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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:22:35 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:22:35 -0700 |
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diff --git a/3913-h/3913-h.htm b/3913-h/3913-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac973a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/3913-h/3913-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,25919 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <title> + The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau, by Jean Jacques Rousseau + </title> + <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; text-align: justify; font-size: 80%; font-style: italic;} + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} + .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} + .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} + .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} + .indent40 { margin-left: 40%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {position: absolute; right: 1%; font-size: 0.6em; + font-variant: normal; font-style: normal; + text-align: right; background-color: #FFFACD; + border: 1px solid; padding: 0.3em;text-indent: 0em;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 15%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + .head { float: left; font-size: 90%; width: 98%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: center; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} + span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 0.8 } + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau, by +Jean Jacques Rousseau + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + +Title: The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau + In 12 books--Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus + Society--London, 1903 + +Author: Jean Jacques Rousseau + +Release Date: September 5, 2015 [EBook #3913] +Last Updated: Novemver 13, 2017 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF ROUSSEAU *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU + </h1> + <h3> + Complete + </h3> + <h2> + By Jean Jacques Rousseau + </h2> + <h4> + (In 12 books) + </h4> + <h3> + Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + </h3> + <h5> + London, 1903 + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="cover " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/cover.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="titlepage " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/titlepage.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="frontispiece " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/frontispiece.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/rousseau.jpg" alt="rousseau " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/rousseau.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> BOOK I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> Introduction. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> BOOK II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> BOOK III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> BOOK IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> BOOK V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> BOOK VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> BOOK VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> BOOK VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> BOOK IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> BOOK X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> BOOK XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> BOOK XII. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK I. + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>mong the notable + books of later times—we may say, without exaggeration, of all time—must + be reckoned The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau. It deals with + leading personages and transactions of a momentous epoch, when absolutism + and feudalism were rallying for their last struggle against the modern + spirit, chiefly represented by Voltaire, the Encyclopedists, and Rousseau + himself—a struggle to which, after many fierce intestine quarrels + and sanguinary wars throughout Europe and America, has succeeded the + prevalence of those more tolerant and rational principles by which the + statesmen of our own day are actuated. + </p> + <p> + On these matters, however, it is not our province to enlarge; nor is it + necessary to furnish any detailed account of our author’s political, + religious, and philosophic axioms and systems, his paradoxes and his + errors in logic: these have been so long and so exhaustively disputed over + by contending factions that little is left for even the most assiduous + gleaner in the field. The inquirer will find, in Mr. John Money’s + excellent work, the opinions of Rousseau reviewed succinctly and + impartially. The ‘Contrat Social’, the ‘Lettres Ecrites de la Montagne’, + and other treatises that once aroused fierce controversy, may therefore be + left in the repose to which they have long been consigned, so far as the + mass of mankind is concerned, though they must always form part of the + library of the politician and the historian. One prefers to turn to the + man Rousseau as he paints himself in the remarkable work before us. + </p> + <p> + That the task which he undertook in offering to show himself—as + Persius puts it—‘Intus et in cute’, to posterity, exceeded his + powers, is a trite criticism; like all human enterprises, his purpose was + only imperfectly fulfilled; but this circumstance in no way lessens the + attractive qualities of his book, not only for the student of history or + psychology, but for the intelligent man of the world. Its startling + frankness gives it a peculiar interest wanting in most other + autobiographies. + </p> + <p> + Many censors have elected to sit in judgment on the failings of this + strangely constituted being, and some have pronounced upon him very severe + sentences. Let it be said once for all that his faults and mistakes were + generally due to causes over which he had but little control, such as a + defective education, a too acute sensitiveness, which engendered suspicion + of his fellows, irresolution, an overstrained sense of honour and + independence, and an obstinate refusal to take advice from those who + really wished to befriend him; nor should it be forgotten that he was + afflicted during the greater part of his life with an incurable disease. + </p> + <p> + Lord Byron had a soul near akin to Rousseau’s, whose writings naturally + made a deep impression on the poet’s mind, and probably had an influence + on his conduct and modes of thought: In some stanzas of ‘Childe Harold’ + this sympathy is expressed with truth and power; especially is the + weakness of the Swiss philosopher’s character summed up in the following + admirable lines: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Here the self-torturing sophist, wild Rousseau, + The apostle of affliction, he who threw + Enchantment over passion, and from woe + Wrung overwhelming eloquence, first drew + The breath which made him wretched; yet he knew + How to make madness beautiful, and cast + O’er erring deeds and thoughts a heavenly hue + Of words, like sunbeams, dazzling as they passed + The eyes, which o’er them shed tears feelingly and fast. + + “His life was one long war with self-sought foes, + Or friends by him self-banished; for his mind + Had grown Suspicion’s sanctuary, and chose, + For its own cruel sacrifice, the kind, + ‘Gainst whom he raged with fury strange and blind. + But he was frenzied,—wherefore, who may know? + Since cause might be which skill could never find; + But he was frenzied by disease or woe + To that worst pitch of all, which wears a reasoning show.” + </pre> + <p> + One would rather, however, dwell on the brighter hues of the picture than + on its shadows and blemishes; let us not, then, seek to “draw his + frailties from their dread abode.” His greatest fault was his renunciation + of a father’s duty to his offspring; but this crime he expiated by a long + and bitter repentance. We cannot, perhaps, very readily excuse the way in + which he has occasionally treated the memory of his mistress and + benefactress. That he loved Madame de Warens—his ‘Mamma’—deeply + and sincerely is undeniable, notwithstanding which he now and then dwells + on her improvidence and her feminine indiscretions with an unnecessary and + unbecoming lack of delicacy that has an unpleasant effect on the reader, + almost seeming to justify the remark of one of his most lenient critics—that, + after all, Rousseau had the soul of a lackey. He possessed, however, many + amiable and charming qualities, both as a man and a writer, which were + evident to those amidst whom he lived, and will be equally so to the + unprejudiced reader of the Confessions. He had a profound sense of justice + and a real desire for the improvement and advancement of the race. Owing + to these excellences he was beloved to the last even by persons whom he + tried to repel, looking upon them as members of a band of conspirators, + bent upon destroying his domestic peace and depriving him of the means of + subsistence. + </p> + <p> + Those of his writings that are most nearly allied in tone and spirit to + the ‘Confessions’ are the ‘Reveries d’un Promeneur Solitaire’ and ‘La + Nouvelle Heloise’. His correspondence throws much light on his life and + character, as do also parts of ‘Emile’. It is not easy in our day to + realize the effect wrought upon the public mind by the advent of ‘La + Nouvelle Heloise’. Julie and Saint-Preux became names to conjure with; + their ill-starred amours were everywhere sighed and wept over by the + tender-hearted fair; indeed, in composing this work, Rousseau may be said + to have done for Switzerland what the author of the Waverly Novels did for + Scotland, turning its mountains, lakes and islands, formerly regarded with + aversion, into a fairyland peopled with creatures whose joys and sorrows + appealed irresistibly to every breast. Shortly after its publication began + to flow that stream of tourists and travellers which tends to make + Switzerland not only more celebrated but more opulent every year. It, is + one of the few romances written in the epistolary form that do not oppress + the reader with a sense of languor and unreality; for its creator poured + into its pages a tide of passion unknown to his frigid and stilted + predecessors, and dared to depict Nature as she really is, not as she was + misrepresented by the modish authors and artists of the age. Some persons + seem shy of owning an acquaintance with this work; indeed, it has been + made the butt of ridicule by the disciples of a decadent school. Its + faults and its beauties are on the surface; Rousseau’s own estimate is + freely expressed at the beginning of the eleventh book of the Confessions + and elsewhere. It might be wished that the preface had been differently + conceived and worded; for the assertion made therein that the book may + prove dangerous has caused it to be inscribed on a sort of Index, and good + folk who never read a line of it blush at its name. Its “sensibility,” + too, is a little overdone, and has supplied the wits with opportunities + for satire; for example, Canning, in his ‘New Morality’: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Sweet Sensibility, who dwells enshrined + In the fine foldings + Sweet child of sickly Fancy!—her of yore + From her loved France Rousseau to exile bore; + And while ‘midst lakes and mountains wild he ran, + Full of himself, and shunned the haunts of man, + Taught her o’er each lone vale and Alpine, steep + To lisp the story of his wrongs and weep.” + </pre> + <p> + As might be imagined, Voltaire had slight sympathy with our social + reformer’s notions and ways of promulgating them, and accordingly took up + his wonted weapons—sarcasm and ridicule—against poor + Jean-Jacques. The quarrels of these two great men cannot be described in + this place; but they constitute an important chapter in the literary and + social history of the time. In the work with which we are immediately + concerned, the author seems to avoid frequent mention of Voltaire, even + where we should most expect it. However, the state of his mind when he + penned this record of his life should be always remembered in relation to + this as well as other occurrences. + </p> + <p> + Rousseau had intended to bring his autobiography down to a later date, but + obvious causes prevented this: hence it is believed that a summary of the + chief events that marked his closing years will not be out of place here. + </p> + <p> + On quitting the Ile de Saint-Pierre he travelled to Strasbourg, where he + was warmly received, and thence to Paris, arriving in that city on + December 16, 1765. The Prince de Conti provided him with a lodging in the + Hotel Saint-Simon, within the precincts of the Temple—a place of + sanctuary for those under the ban of authority. ‘Every one was eager to + see the illustrious proscript, who complained of being made a daily show, + “like Sancho Panza in his island of Barataria.” During his short stay in + the capital there was circulated an ironical letter purporting to come + from the Great Frederick, but really written by Horace Walpole. This + cruel, clumsy, and ill-timed joke angered Rousseau, who ascribed it to, + Voltaire. A few sentences may be quoted: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “My Dear Jean-Jacques,—You have renounced Geneva, your native + place. You have caused your expulsion from Switzerland, a country + so extolled in your writings; France has issued a warrant against + you: so do you come to me. My states offer you a peaceful retreat. + I wish you well, and will treat you well, if you will let me. But, + if you persist in refusing my help, do not reckon upon my telling + any one that you did so. If you are bent on tormenting your spirit + to find new misfortunes, choose whatever you like best. I am a + king, and can procure them for you at your pleasure; and, what will + certainly never happen to you in respect of your enemies, I will + cease to persecute you as soon as you cease to take a pride in being + persecuted. Your good friend, + “FREDERICK.” + </pre> + <p> + Early in 1766 David Hume persuaded Rousseau to go with him to England, + where the exile could find a secure shelter. In London his appearance + excited general attention. Edmund Burke had an interview with him and held + that inordinate vanity was the leading trait in his character. Mr. + Davenport, to whom he was introduced by Hume, generously offered Rousseau + a home at Wootton, in Staffordshire, near the Peak Country; the latter, + however, would only accept the offer on condition that he should pay a + rent of L 30 a year. He was accorded a pension of L 100 by George III., + but declined to draw after the first annual payment. The climate and + scenery of Wootton being similar to those of his native country, he was at + first delighted with his new abode, where he lived with Therese, and + devoted his time to herborising and inditing the first six books of his + Confessions. Soon, however, his old hallucinations acquired strength, and + Rousseau convinced himself that enemies were bent upon his capture, if not + his death. In June, 1766, he wrote a violent letter to Hume, calling him + “one of the worst of men.” Literary Paris had combined with Hume and the + English Government to surround him—as he supposed—with guards + and spies; he revolved in his troubled mind all the reports and rumours he + had heard for months and years; Walpole’s forged letter rankled in his + bosom; and in the spring of 1767 he fled; first to Spalding, in + Lincolnshire, and subsequently to Calais, where he landed in May. + </p> + <p> + On his arrival in France his restless and wandering disposition forced him + continually to change his residence, and acquired for him the title of + “Voyageur Perpetuel.” While at Trye, in Gisors, in 1767—8, he wrote + the second part of the Confessions. He had assumed the surname of Renou, + and about this time he declared before two witnesses that Therese was his + wife—a proceeding to which he attached the sanctity of marriage. In + 1770 he took up his abode in Paris, where he lived continuously for seven + years, in a street which now bears his name, and gained a living by + copying music. Bernardin de Saint-Pierre, the author of ‘Paul and + Virginia’, who became acquainted with him in 1772, has left some + interesting particulars of Rousseau’s daily mode of life at this period. + Monsieur de Girardin having offered him an asylum at Ermemonville in the + spring of 1778, he and Therese went thither to reside, but for no long + time. On the 3d of July, in the same year, this perturbed spirit at last + found rest, stricken by apoplexy. A rumor that he had committed suicide + was circulated, but the evidence of trustworthy witnesses, including a + physician, effectually contradicts this accusation. His remains, first + interred in the Ile des Peupliers, were, after the Revolution, removed to + the Pantheon. In later times the Government of Geneva made some reparation + for their harsh treatment of a famous citizen, and erected his statue, + modelled by his compatriot, Pradier, on an island in the Rhone. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “See nations, slowly wise and meanly just, + To buried merit raise the tardy bust.” + </pre> + <p> + November, 1896. S. W. ORSON. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE CONFESSIONS + + OF + + J. J. ROUSSEAU +</pre> + <h3> + BOOK I. + </h3> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have entered upon + a performance which is without example, whose accomplishment will have no + imitator. I mean to present my fellow-mortals with a man in all the + integrity of nature; and this man shall be myself. + </p> + <p> + I know my heart, and have studied mankind; I am not made like any one I + have been acquainted with, perhaps like no one in existence; if not + better, I at least claim originality, and whether Nature did wisely in + breaking the mould with which she formed me, can only be determined after + having read this work. + </p> + <p> + Whenever the last trumpet shall sound, I will present myself before the + sovereign judge with this book in my hand, and loudly proclaim, thus have + I acted; these were my thoughts; such was I. With equal freedom and + veracity have I related what was laudable or wicked, I have concealed no + crimes, added no virtues; and if I have sometimes introduced superfluous + ornament, it was merely to occupy a void occasioned by defect of memory: I + may have supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable, but have + never asserted as truth, a conscious falsehood. Such as I was, I have + declared myself; sometimes vile and despicable, at others, virtuous, + generous and sublime; even as thou hast read my inmost soul: Power + eternal! assemble round thy throne an innumerable throng of my + fellow-mortals, let them listen to my confessions, let them blush at my + depravity, let them tremble at my sufferings; let each in his turn expose + with equal sincerity the failings, the wanderings of his heart, and, if he + dare, aver, I was better than that man. + </p> + <p> + I was born at Geneva, in 1712, son of Isaac Rousseau and Susannah Bernard, + citizens. My father’s share of a moderate competency, which was divided + among fifteen children, being very trivial, his business of a watchmaker + (in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity) was his only + dependence. My mother’s circumstances were more affluent; she was daughter + of a Mons. Bernard, minister, and possessed a considerable share of + modesty and beauty; indeed, my father found some difficulty in obtaining + her hand. + </p> + <p> + The affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as their + existence; at eight or nine years old they walked together every evening + on the banks of the Treille, and before they were ten, could not support + the idea of separation. A natural sympathy of soul confined those + sentiments of predilection which habit at first produced; born with minds + susceptible of the most exquisite sensibility and tenderness, it was only + necessary to encounter similar dispositions; that moment fortunately + presented itself, and each surrendered a willing heart. + </p> + <p> + The obstacles that opposed served only to give a decree of vivacity to + their affection, and the young lover, not being able to obtain his + mistress, was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair. She advised him to + travel—to forget her. He consented—he travelled, but returned + more passionate than ever, and had the happiness to find her equally + constant, equally tender. After this proof of mutual affection, what could + they resolve?—to dedicate their future lives to love! the resolution + was ratified with a vow, on which Heaven shed its benediction. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately, my mother’s brother, Gabriel Bernard, fell in love with one + of my father’s sisters; she had no objection to the match, but made the + marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable preliminary. Love + soon removed every obstacle, and the two weddings were celebrated the same + day: thus my uncle became the husband of my aunt, and their children were + doubly cousins german. Before a year was expired, both had the happiness + to become fathers, but were soon after obliged to submit to a separation. + </p> + <p> + My uncle Bernard, who was an engineer, went to serve in the empire and + Hungary, under Prince Eugene, and distinguished himself both at the siege + and battle of Belgrade. My father, after the birth of my only brother, set + off, on recommendation, for Constantinople, and was appointed watchmaker + to the Seraglio. During his absence, the beauty, wit, and accomplishments + of my mother attracted a number of admirers, among whom Mons. de la + Closure, Resident of France, was the most assiduous in his attentions. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [They were too brilliant for her situation, the minister, her + father, having bestowed great pains on her education. She was taught + drawing, singing, and to play on the theorbo; had learning, and + wrote very agreeable verses. The following is an extempore piece + which she composed in the absence of her husband and brother, in a + conversation with some person relative to them, while walking with + her sister-in-law, and their two children: + + Ces deux messieurs, qui sont absens, + Nous sont chers de bien des manieres; + Ce sont nos amis, nos amans, + Ce sont nos maris et nos freres, + Et les peres de ces enfans. + + These absent ones, who just claim + Our hearts, by every tender name, + To whom each wish extends + Our husbands and our brothers are, + The fathers of this blooming pair, + Our lovers and our friends.] +</pre> + <p> + His passion must have been extremely violent, since after a period of + thirty years I have seen him affected at the very mention of her name. My + mother had a defence more powerful even than her virtue; she tenderly + loved my father, and conjured him to return; his inclination seconding his + request, he gave up every prospect of emolument, and hastened to Geneva. + </p> + <p> + I was the unfortunate fruit of this return, being born ten months after, + in a very weakly and infirm state; my birth cost my mother her life, and + was the first of my misfortunes. I am ignorant how my father supported her + loss at that time, but I know he was ever after inconsolable. In me he + still thought he saw her he so tenderly lamented, but could never forget I + had been the innocent cause of his misfortune, nor did he ever embrace me, + but his sighs, the convulsive pressure of his arms, witnessed that a + bitter regret mingled itself with his caresses, though, as may be + supposed, they were not on this account less ardent. When he said to me, + “Jean Jacques, let us talk of your mother,” my usual reply was, “Yes, + father, but then, you know, we shall cry,” and immediately the tears + started from his eyes. “Ah!” exclaimed he, with agitation, “Give me back + my wife; at least console me for her loss; fill up, dear boy, the void she + has left in my soul. Could I love thee thus wert thou only my son?” Forty + years after this loss he expired in the arms of his second wife, but the + name of the first still vibrated on his lips, still was her image engraved + on his heart. + </p> + <p> + Such were the authors of my being: of all the gifts it had pleased Heaven + to bestow on them, a feeling heart was the only one that descended to me; + this had been the source of their felicity, it was the foundation of all + my misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + I came into the world with so few signs of life, that they entertained but + little hope of preserving me, with the seeds of a disorder that has + gathered strength with years, and from which I am now relieved at + intervals, only to suffer a different, though more intolerable evil. I + owed my preservation to one of my father’s sisters, an amiable and + virtuous girl, who took the most tender care of me; she is yet living, + nursing, at the age of four-score, a husband younger than herself, but + worn out with excessive drinking. Dear aunt! I freely forgive your having + preserved my life, and only lament that it is not in my power to bestow on + the decline of your days the tender solicitude and care you lavished on + the first dawn of mine. My nurse, Jaqueline, is likewise living: and in + good health—the hands that opened my eyes to the light of this world + may close them at my death. We suffer before we think; it is the common + lot of humanity. I experienced more than my proportion of it. I have no + knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth or sixth year; I recollect + nothing of learning to read, I only remember what effect the first + considerable exercise of it produced on my mind; and from that moment I + date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself. + </p> + <p> + Every night, after supper, we read some part of a small collection of + romances which had been my mother’s. My father’s design was only to + improve me in reading, and he thought these entertaining works were + calculated to give me a fondness for it; but we soon found ourselves so + interested in the adventures they contained, that we alternately read + whole nights together, and could not bear to give over until at the + conclusion of a volume. Sometimes, in a morning, on hearing the swallows + at our window, my father, quite ashamed of this weakness, would cry, + “Come, come, let us go to bed; I am more a child than thou art.” + </p> + <p> + I soon acquired, by this dangerous custom, not only an extreme facility in + reading and comprehending, but, for my age, a too intimate acquaintance + with the passions. An infinity of sensations were familiar to me, without + possessing any precise idea of the objects to which they related—I + had conceived nothing—I had felt the whole. This confused succession + of emotions did not retard the future efforts of my reason, though they + added an extravagant, romantic notion of human life, which experience and + reflection have never been able to eradicate. + </p> + <p> + My romance reading concluded with the summer of 1719, the following winter + was differently employed. My mother’s library being quite exhausted, we + had recourse to that part of her father’s which had devolved to us; here + we happily found some valuable books, which was by no means extraordinary, + having been selected by a minister that truly deserved that title, in whom + learning (which was the rage of the times) was but a secondary + commendation, his taste and good sense being most conspicuous. The history + of the Church and Empire by Le Sueur, Bossuett’s Discourses on Universal + History, Plutarch’s Lives, the history of Venice by Nani, Ovid’s + Metamorphoses, La Bruyere, Fontenelle’s World, his Dialogues of the Dead, + and a few volumes of Moliere, were soon ranged in my father’s closet, + where, during the hours he was employed in his business, I daily read + them, with an avidity and taste uncommon, perhaps unprecedented at my age. + </p> + <p> + Plutarch presently became my greatest favorite. The satisfaction I derived + from repeated readings I gave this author, extinguished my passion for + romances, and I shortly preferred Agesilaus, Brutus, and Aristides, to + Orondates, Artemenes, and Juba. These interesting studies, seconded by the + conversations they frequently occasioned with my father, produced that + republican spirit and love of liberty, that haughty and invincible turn of + mind, which rendered me impatient of restraint or servitude, and became + the torment of my life, as I continually found myself in situations + incompatible with these sentiments. Incessantly occupied with Rome and + Athens, conversing, if I may so express myself with their illustrious + heroes; born the citizen of a republic, of a father whose ruling passion + was a love of his country, I was fired with these examples; could fancy + myself a Greek or Roman, and readily give into the character of the + personage whose life I read; transported by the recital of any + extraordinary instance of fortitude or intrepidity, animation flashed from + my eyes, and gave my voice additional strength and energy. One day, at + table, while relating the fortitude of Scoevola, they were terrified at + seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand over a hot chafing—dish, + to represent more forcibly the action of that determined Roman. + </p> + <p> + My brother, who was seven years older than myself, was brought up to my + father’s profession. The extraordinary affection they lavished on me might + be the reason he was too much neglected: this certainly was a fault which + cannot be justified. His education and morals suffered by this neglect, + and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he arrived at an age to + be really one. My father tried what effect placing him with a master would + produce, but he still persisted in the same ill conduct. Though I saw him + so seldom that it could hardly be said we were acquainted, I loved him + tenderly, and believe he had as strong an affection for me as a youth of + his dissipated turn of mind could be supposed capable of. One day, I + remember, when my father was correcting him severely, I threw myself + between them, embracing my brother, whom I covered with my body, receiving + the strokes designed for him; I persisted so obstinately in my protection, + that either softened by my cries and tears, or fearing to hurt me most, + his anger subsided, and he pardoned his fault. In the end, my brother’s + conduct became so bad that he suddenly disappeared, and we learned some + time after that he was in Germany, but he never wrote to us, and from that + day we heard no news of him: thus I became an only son. + </p> + <p> + If this poor lad was neglected, it was quite different with his brother, + for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and + tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy, being the darling of the + family; and what is rather uncommon, though treated as a beloved, never a + spoiled child; was never permitted, while under paternal inspection, to + play in the street with other children; never had any occasion to + contradict or indulge those fantastical humors which are usually + attributed to nature, but are in reality the effects of an injudicious + education. I had the faults common to my age, was talkative, a glutton, + and sometimes a liar, made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats, fruits, or, + indeed, any kind of eatables; but never took delight in mischievous waste, + in accusing others, or tormenting harmless animals. I recollect, indeed, + that one day, while Madam Clot, a neighbor of ours, was gone to church, I + made water in her kettle: the remembrance even now makes me smile, for + Madame Clot (though, if you please, a good sort of creature) was one of + the most tedious grumbling old women I ever knew. Thus have I given a + brief, but faithful, history of my childish transgressions. + </p> + <p> + How could I become cruel or vicious, when I had before my eyes only + examples of mildness, and was surrounded by some of the best people in the + world? My father, my aunt, my nurse, my relations, our friends, our + neighbors, all I had any connection with, did not obey me, it is true, but + loved me tenderly, and I returned their affection. I found so little to + excite my desires, and those I had were so seldom contradicted, that I was + hardly sensible of possessing any, and can solemnly aver I was an absolute + stranger to caprice until after I had experienced the authority of a + master. + </p> + <p> + Those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father, + or walking with my governess, Jaqueline, I spent with my aunt; and whether + seeing her embroider, or hearing her sing, whether sitting or standing by + her side, I was ever happy. Her tenderness and unaffected gayety, the + charms of her figure and countenance have left such indelible impressions + on my mind, that her manner, look, and attitude are still before my eyes; + I recollect a thousand little caressing questions; could describe her + clothes, her head-dress, nor have the two curls of fine black hair which + hung on her temples, according to the mode of that time, escaped my + memory. + </p> + <p> + Though my taste, or rather passion, for music, did not show itself until a + considerable time after, I am fully persuaded it is to her I am indebted + for it. She knew a great number of songs, which she sung with great + sweetness and melody. The serenity and cheerfulness which were conspicuous + in this lovely girl, banished melancholy, and made all round her happy. + </p> + <p> + The charms of her voice had such an effect on me, that not only several of + her songs have ever since remained on my memory, but some I have not + thought of from my infancy, as I grow old, return upon my mind with a + charm altogether inexpressible. Would any one believe that an old dotard + like me, worn out with care and infirmity, should sometime surprise + himself weeping like a child, and in a voice querulous, and broken by age, + muttering out one of those airs which were the favorites of my infancy? + There is one song in particular, whose tune I perfectly recollect, but the + words that compose the latter half of it constantly refuse every effort to + recall them, though I have a confused idea of the rhymes. The beginning, + with what I have been able to recollect of the remainder, is as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Tircis, je n’ose + Ecouter ton Chalumeau + Sous l’Ormeau; + Car on en cause + Deja dans notre hameau. + —— —— ———- + ——— —- un Berger + s’engager + sans danger, + Et toujours l’epine est sons la rose. +</pre> + <p> + I have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on + the recollection of this fragment, but it is altogether inexplicable. I + only know, that before I get to the end of it, I always find my voice + interrupted by tenderness, and my eyes suffused with tears. I have a + hundred times formed the resolution of writing to Paris for the remainder + of these words, if any one should chance to know them: but I am almost + certain the pleasure I take in the recollection would be greatly + diminished was I assured any one but my poor aunt Susan had sung them. + </p> + <p> + Such were my affections on entering this life. Thus began to form and + demonstrate itself, a heart, at once haughty and tender, a character + effeminate, yet invincible; which, fluctuating between weakness and + courage, luxury and virtue, has ever set me in contradiction to myself; + causing abstinence and enjoyment, pleasure and prudence, equally to shun + me. + </p> + <p> + This course of education was interrupted by an accident, whose + consequences influenced the rest of my life. My father had a quarrel with + M. G——, who had a captain’s commission in France, and was + related to several of the Council. This G——, who was an + insolent, ungenerous man, happening to bleed at the nose, in order to be + revenged, accused my father of having drawn his sword on him in the city, + and in consequence of this charge they were about to conduct him to + prison. He insisted (according to the law of this republic) that the + accuser should be confined at the same time; and not being able to obtain + this, preferred a voluntary banishment for the remainder of his life, to + giving up a point by which he must sacrifice his honor and liberty. + </p> + <p> + I remained under the tuition of my uncle Bernard, who was at that time + employed in the fortifications of Geneva. He had lost his eldest daughter, + but had a son about my own age, and we were sent together to Bossey, to + board with the Minister Lambercier. Here we were to learn Latin, with all + the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education. + </p> + <p> + Two years spent in this village softened, in some degree, my Roman + fierceness, and again reduced me to a state of childhood. At Geneva, where + nothing was exacted, I loved reading, which was, indeed, my principal + amusement; but, at Bossey, where application was expected, I was fond of + play as a relaxation. The country was so new, so charming in my idea, that + it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments, and I conceived a + passion for rural life, which time has not been able to extinguish; nor + have I ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil pleasures I enjoyed at + this place in my childhood; the remembrance having followed me through + every age, even to that in which I am hastening again towards it. + </p> + <p> + M. Lambercier was a worthy, sensible man, who, without neglecting our + instruction, never made our acquisitions burthensome, or tasks tedious. + What convinces me of the rectitude of his method is, that notwithstanding + my extreme aversion to restraint, the recollection of my studies is never + attended with disgust; and, if my improvement was trivial, it was obtained + with ease, and has never escaped memory. + </p> + <p> + The simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening my + heart to the reception of true friendship. The sentiments I had hitherto + formed on this subject were extremely elevated, but altogether imaginary. + The habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me tenderly to my + cousin Bernard; my affection was more ardent than that I had felt for my + brother, nor has time ever been able to efface it. He was a tall, lank, + weakly boy, with a mind as mild as his body was feeble, and who did not + wrong the good opinion they were disposed to entertain for the son of my + guardian. Our studies, amusements, and tasks, were the same; we were + alone; each wanted a playmate; to separate would in some measure, have + been to annihilate us. Though we had not many opportunities of + demonstrating our attachment to each other, it was certainly extreme; and + so far from enduring the thought of separation, we could not even form an + idea that we should ever be able to submit to it. Each of a disposition to + be won by kindness, and complaisant, when not soured by contradiction, we + agreed in every particular. If, by the favor of those who governed us he + had the ascendant while in their presence, I was sure to acquire it when + we were alone, and this preserved the equilibrium so necessary in + friendship. If he hesitated in repeating his task, I prompted him; when my + exercises were finished, I helped to write his; and, in our amusements, my + disposition being most active, ever had the lead. In a word, our + characters accorded so well, and the friendship that subsisted between us + was so cordial, that during the five years we were at Bossey and Geneva we + were inseparable: we often fought, it is true, but there never was any + occasion to separate us. No one of our quarrels lasted more than a quarter + of an hour, and never in our lives did we make any complaint of each + other. It may be said, these remarks are frivolous; but, perhaps, a + similiar example among children can hardly be produced. + </p> + <p> + The manner in which I passed my time at Bossey was so agreeable to my + disposition, that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have + fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable, affectionate, + benevolent sentiments for its basis. I believe no individual of our kind + ever possessed less natural vanity than myself. At intervals, by an + extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime ideas, but presently sunk again + into my original languor. To be loved by every one who knew me was my most + ardent wish. I was naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and those who + had the care of us were of similiar dispositions. Everything contributed + to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted in my breast, + and during the two years I was neither the victim nor witness of any + violent emotions. + </p> + <p> + I knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content, not only with + me, but all that concerned them. When repeating our catechism at church, + nothing could give me greater vexation, on being obliged to hesitate, than + to see Miss Lambercier’s countenance express disapprobation and + uneasiness. This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of + faltering before so many witnesses, which, notwithstanding, was + sufficiently painful; for though not oversolicitous of praise, I was + feelingly alive to shame; yet I can truly affirm, the dread of being + reprimanded by Miss Lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of making + her uneasy. + </p> + <p> + Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity, but + as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more afflicted + at their disapprobation than the punishment. Certainly the method of + treating youth would be altered if the distant effects this + indiscriminate, and frequently indiscreet method produces, were more + conspicuous. I would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation, + did not the lesson this example conveys (which points out an evil as + frequent as it is pernicious) forbid my silence. + </p> + <p> + As Miss Lambercier felt a mother’s affection, she sometimes exerted a + mother’s authority, even to inflicting on us when we deserved it, the + punishment of infants. She had often threatened it, and this threat of a + treatment entirely new, appeared to me extremely dreadful; but I found the + reality much less terrible than the idea, and what is still more + unaccountable, this punishment increased my affection for the person who + had inflicted it. All this affection, aided by my natural mildness, was + scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking, by fresh offences, a return of + the same chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the + smart and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I was + well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a + quite contrary effect; but from a man of his disposition this was not + probable, and if I abstained from meriting correction it was merely from a + fear of offending Miss Lambercier, for benevolence, aided by the passions, + has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my heart. + </p> + <p> + This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to accelerate, + arrived without my fault; I should say, without my seeking; and I profited + by it with a safe conscience; but this second, was also the last time, for + Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some reason to imagine this + chastisement did not produce the desired effect, declared it was too + fatiguing, and that she renounced it for the future. Till now we had slept + in her chamber, and during the winter, even in her bed; but two days after + another room was prepared for us, and from that moment I had the honor + (which I could very well have dispensed with) of being treated by her as a + great boy. + </p> + <p> + Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight years old, + from the hands of a woman of thirty, should influence my propensities, my + desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a + contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected? The very + incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires such an extraordinary + turn, that, confined to what I had already experienced, I sought no + further, and, with blood boiling with sensuality, almost from my birth, + preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose + their insensibility; long tormented, without knowing by what, I gazed on + every handsome woman with delight; imagination incessantly brought their + charms to my remembrance, only to transform them into so many Miss + Lamberciers. + </p> + <p> + If ever education was perfectly chaste, it was certainly that I received; + my three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence, but maintained a + degree of modest reserve which women have long since thought unnecessary. + My father, it is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of the + last than the present century, and he never expressed his affection for + any woman he regarded in terms a virgin could have blushed at; indeed, it + was impossible more attention should be paid to that regard we owe the + morals of children than was uniformly observed by every one I had any + concern with. An equal degree of reserve in this particular was observed + at M. Lambercier’s, where a good maid-servant was discharged for having + once made use of an expression before us which was thought to contain some + degree of indelicacy. I had no precise idea of the ultimate effect of the + passions, but the conception I had formed was extremely disgusting; I + entertained a particular aversion for courtesans, nor could I look on a + rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror. + </p> + <p> + These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the first + explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened, as I have + already hinted, by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced in + me, for notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood, I was + satisfied with the species of voluptuousness I had already been acquainted + with, and sought no further. + </p> + <p> + Thus I passed the age of puberty, with a constitution extremely ardent, + without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the + passions than what Miss Lambercier had innocently given me an idea of; and + when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of vanishing, only + associated with the other. This folly, joined to a natural timidity, has + always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have + passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired, without + daring to disclose my wishes. + </p> + <p> + To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates, or + implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and the more my + blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination the more I + acquired the appearance of a whining lover. + </p> + <p> + It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not attended + with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its object; yet, + though I have few favors to boast of, I have not been excluded from + enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in concurrence with a mind + equally timid and romantic, have preserved my moral chaste, and feelings + uncorrupted, with precisely the same inclinations, which, seconded with a + moderate portion of effrontery, might have plunged me into the most + unwarrantable excesses. + </p> + <p> + I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and painful + maze of my Confessions. We never feel so great a degree of repugnance in + divulging what is really criminal, as what is merely ridiculous. I am now + assured of my resolution, for after what I have dared disclose, nothing + can have power to deter me. The difficulty attending these acknowledgments + will be readily conceived, when I declare, that during the whole of my + life, though frequently laboring under the most violent agitation, being + hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which (when in company with + those I loved) deprived me of the faculty of sight and hearing, I could + never, in the course of the most unbounded familiarity, acquire sufficient + resolution to declare my folly, and implore the only favor that remained + to bestow. + </p> + <p> + In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I find + elements, which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to produce a + simple and uniform effect; while others, apparently the same, have, by the + concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such different combinations, + that it would never be imagined they had any affinity; who would believe, + for example, that one of the most vigorous springs of my soul was tempered + in the identical source from whence luxury and ease mingled with my + constitution and circulated in my veins? Before I quit this subject, I + will add a striking instance of the different effects they produced. + </p> + <p> + One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen, the + maid set some of Miss Lambercier’s combs to dry by the fire, and on coming + to fetch them some time after, was surprised to find the teeth of one of + them broken off. Who could be suspected of this mischief? No one but + myself had entered the room: I was questioned, but denied having any + knowledge of it. Mr. and Miss Lambercier consult, exhort, threaten, but + all to no purpose; I obstinately persist in the denial; and, though this + was the first time I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood, + appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations. This + affair was thought serious; the mischief, the lie, the obstinacy, were + considered equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be + administered by Miss Lambercier. My uncle Bernard was written to; he + arrived; and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious, we + were conducted to the same execution, which was inflicted with great + severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself, they had sought ever to + allay my depraved desires, they could not have chosen a shorter method to + accomplish their designs, and, I can assure my readers, I was for a long + time freed from the dominion of them. + </p> + <p> + As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment, which + obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a deplorable + situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined to suffer death + rather than submit. Force, at length, was obliged to yield to the + diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was bestowed on my + constancy, and I came out of this dreadful trial, torn, it is true, but + triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this adventure—the fear + of punishment is no more. Well, then, I aver, in the face of Heaven, I was + absolutely innocent: and, so far from breaking, or even touching the comb, + never came near the fire. It will be asked, how did this mischief happen? + I can form no conception of it, I only know my own innocence. + </p> + <p> + Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits were + docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent, and invincible, in its + passions; a child, hitherto governed by the voice of reason, treated with + mildness, equity, and complaisance, who could not even support the idea of + injustice, experiencing, for the first time, so violent an instance of it, + inflicted by those he most loved and respected. What perversion of ideas! + What confusion in the heart, the brain, in all my little being, + intelligent and moral!—let any one, I say, if possible, imagine all + this, for I am incapable of giving the least idea of what passed in my + mind at that period. + </p> + <p> + My reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in + the place of others, and judge how much appearances condemned me, I only + beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement, inflicted for a crime I had + not committed; yet I can truly affirm, the smart I suffered, though + violent, was inconsiderable compared to what I felt from indignation, + rage, and despair. My cousin, who was almost in similar circumstances, + having been punished for an involuntary fault as guilty of a premediated + crime, became furious by my example. Both in the same bed, we embraced + each other with convulsive transport; we were almost suffocated; and when + our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indigination, + we sat up in the bed, and with all our force, repeated a hundred times, + Carnifex! Carnifex! Carnifex! executioner, tormentor. + </p> + <p> + Even while I write this I feel my pulse quicken, and should I live a + hundred thousand years, the agitation of that moment would still be fresh + in my memory. The first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply + engraved on my soul, that every relative idea renews my emotion: the + sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had reference only to + myself, has acquired such strength, and is at present so completely + detached from personal motives, that my heart is as much inflamed at the + sight or relation of any act of injustice (whatever may be the object, or + wheresoever it may be perpetrated) as if I was the immediate sufferer. + When I read the history of a merciless tyrant, or the dark and the subtle + machination of a knavish designing priest, I could on the instant set off + to stab the miscreants, though I was certain to perish in the attempt. + </p> + <p> + I have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock, a + cow, a dog, or any animal I saw tormenting another, only because it was + conscious of possessing superior strength. This may be natural to me, and + I am inclined to believe it is, though the lively impression of the first + injustice I became the victim of was too long and too powerfully + remembered not to have added considerable force to it. + </p> + <p> + This occurrence terminated my infantine serenity; from that moment I + ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness, and on a retrospection of + the pleasure of my childhood, I yet feel they ended here. We continue at + Bossey some months after this event, but were like our first parents in + the Garden of Eden after they had lost their innocence; in appearance our + situation was the same, in effect it was totally different. + </p> + <p> + Affection, respect; intimacy, confidence, no longer attached the pupils to + their guides; we beheld them no longer as divinities, who could read the + secrets of our hearts; we were less ashamed of committing faults, more + afraid of being accused of them: we learned to dissemble, to rebel, to + lie: all the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy + innocence, mingle with our sports, and embitter our amusements. The + country itself, losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the + heart, appeared a gloomy desert, or covered with a veil that concealed its + beauties. We cultivated our little gardens no more: our flowers were + neglected. We no longer scratched away the mould, and broke out into + exclamations of delight, on discovering that the grain we had sown began + to shoot. We were disgusted with our situation; our preceptors were weary + of us. In a word, my uncle wrote for our return, and we left Mr. and Miss + Lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation. + </p> + <p> + Near thirty years passed away from my leaving Bossey, without once + recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction; but after + having passed the prime of life, as I decline into old age (while more + recent occurrences are wearing out apace) I feel these remembrances revive + and imprint themselves on my heart, with a force and charm that every day + acquires fresh strength; as if, feeling life fleet from me, I endeavored + to catch it again by its commencement. The most trifling incident of those + happy days delight me, for no other reason than being of those days. I + recall every circumstance of time, place, and persons; I see the maid or + footman busy in the chamber, a swallow entering the window, a fly settling + on my hand while repeating my lessons. I see the whole economy of the + apartment; on the right hand Mr. Lambercier’s closet, with a print + representing all the popes, a barometer, a large almanac, the windows of + the house (which stood in a hollow at the bottom of the garden) shaded by + raspberry shrubs, whose shoots sometimes found entrance; I am sensible the + reader has no occasion to know all this, but I feel a kind of necessity + for relating it. Why am I not permitted to recount all the little + anecdotes of that thrice happy age, at the recollection of whose joys I + ever tremble with delight? Five or six particularly—let us + compromise the matter—I will give up five, but then I must have one, + and only one, provided I may draw it out to its utmost length, in order to + prolong my satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + If I only sought yours, I should choose that of Miss Lambercier’s + backside, which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow, was + exposed to the view of the King of Sardinia, who happened to be passing + by; but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing to me, + since here I was an actor, whereas, in the abovementioned scene I was only + a spectator; and I must confess I see nothing that should occasion + risibility in an accident, which, however laughable in itself, alarmed me + for a person I loved as a mother, or perhaps something more. + </p> + <p> + Ye curious readers, whose expectations are already on the stretch for the + noble history of the terrace, listen to the tragedy, and abstain from + trembling, if you can, at the horrible catastrophe! + </p> + <p> + At the outside of the courtyard door, on the left hand, was a terrace; + here they often sat after dinner; but it was subject to one inconvenience, + being too much exposed to the rays of the sun; to obviate this defect, Mr. + Lambercier had a walnut tree set there, the planting of which was attended + with great solemnity. The two boarders were godfathers, and while the + earth was replacing round the root, each held the tree with one hand, + singing songs of triumph. In order to water it with more effect, they + formed a kind of luson around its foot: myself and cousin, who were every + day ardent spectators of this watering, confirmed each other in the very + natural idea that it was nobler to plant trees on the terrace than colors + on a breach, and this glory we were resolved to procure without dividing + it with any one. + </p> + <p> + In pursuance of this resolution, we cut a slip off a willow, and planted + it on the terrace, at about eight or ten feet distance from the august + walnut tree. We did not forget to make a hollow round it, but the + difficulty was how to procure a supply of water, which was brought from a + considerable distance, and we not permitted to fetch it: but water was + absolutely necessary for our willow, and we made use of every stratagem to + obtain it. + </p> + <p> + For a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud, and + throw out small leaves, which we hourly measured convinced (tho’ now + scarce a foot from the ground) it would soon afford us a refreshing shade. + This unfortunate willow, by engrossing our whole time, rendered us + incapable of application to any other study, and the cause of our + inattention not being known, we were kept closer than before. The fatal + moment approached when water must fail, and we were already afflicted with + the idea that our tree must perish with drought. At length necessity, the + parent of industry, suggested an invention, by which we might save our + tree from death, and ourselves from despair; it was to make a furrow + underground, which would privately conduct a part of the water from the + walnut tree to our willow. This undertaking was executed with ardor, but + did not immediately succeed—our descent was not skilfully planned—the + water did not run, the earth falling in and stopping up the furrow; yet, + though all went contrary, nothing discouraged us, ‘omnia vincit labor + improbus’. We made the bason deeper, to give the water a more sensible + descent; we cut the bottom of a box into narrow planks; increased the + channel from the walnut tree to our willow and laying a row flat at the + bottom, set two others inclining towards each other, so as to form a + triangular channel; we formed a kind of grating with small sticks at the + end next the walnut tree, to prevent the earth and stones from stopping it + up, and having carefully covered our work with well-trodden earth, in a + transport of hope and fear attended the hour of watering. After an + interval, which seemed an age of expectation, this hour arrived. Mr. + Lambercier, as usual, assisted at the operation; we contrived to get + between him and our tree, towards which he fortunately turned his back. + They no sooner began to pour the first pail of water, than we perceived it + running to the willow; this sight was too much for our prudence, and we + involuntarily expressed our transport by a shout of joy. The sudden + exclamation made Mr. Lambercier turn about, though at that instant he was + delighted to observe how greedily the earth, which surrounded the root of + his walnut tree, imbibed the water. Surprised at seeing two trenches + partake of it, he shouted in his turn, examines, perceives the roguery, + and, sending instantly for a pick axe, at one fatal blow makes two or + three of our planks fly, crying out meantime with all his strength, an + aqueduct! an aqueduct! His strokes redoubled, every one of which made an + impression on our hearts; in a moment the planks, the channel, the bason, + even our favorite willow, all were ploughed up, nor was one word + pronounced during this terrible transaction, except the above mentioned + exclamation. An aqueduct! repeated he, while destroying all our hopes, an + aqueduct! an aqueduct! + </p> + <p> + It maybe supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the + young architects; this, however, was not the case; the affair ended here. + Mr. Lambercier never reproached us on this account, nor was his + countenance clouded with a frown; we even heard him mention the + circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter. The laugh of Mr. + Lambercier might be heard to a considerable distance. But what is still + more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided, we did + not find ourselves violently afflicted; we planted a tree in another spot, + and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former, repeating with a + significant emphasis, an aqueduct! an aqueduct! Till then, at intervals, I + had fits of ambition, and could fancy myself Brutus or Aristides, but this + was the first visible effect of my vanity. To have constructed an aqueduct + with our own hands, to have set a slip of willow in competition with a + flourishing tree, appeared to me a supreme degree of glory! I had a juster + conception of it at ten than Caesar entertained at thirty. + </p> + <p> + The idea of this walnut tree, with the little anecdotes it gave rise to, + have so well continued, or returned to my memory, that the design which + conveyed the most pleasing sensations, during my journey to Geneva, in the + year 1754, was visiting Bossey, and reviewing the monuments of my + infantine amusement, above all, the beloved walnut tree, whose age at that + time must have been verging on a third of a century, but I was so beset + with company that I could not find a moment to accomplish my design. There + is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed; but should I ever + return to that charming spot, and find my favorite walnut tree still + existing, I am convinced I should water it with my tears. + </p> + <p> + On my return to Geneva, I passed two or three years at my uncle’s, + expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future + establishment. His own son being devoted to genius, was taught drawing, + and instructed by his father in the elements of Euclid; I partook of these + instructions, but was principally fond of drawing. Meantime, they were + irresolute, whether to make me a watchmaker, a lawyer, or a minister. I + should have preferred being a minister, as I thought it must be a charming + thing to preach, but the trifling income which had been my mother’s, and + was to be divided between my brother and myself, was too inconsiderable to + defray the expense attending the prosecution of my studies. As my age did + not render the choice very pressing, I remained with my uncle, passing my + time with very little improvement, and paying pretty dear, though not + unreasonably, for my board. + </p> + <p> + My uncle, like my father, was a man of pleasure, but had not learned, like + him, to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his family, + consequently our education was neglected. My aunt was a devotee, who loved + singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement, so that we were + left entirely to ourselves, which liberty we never abused. + </p> + <p> + Ever inseparable, we were all the world to each other; and, feeling no + inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of our + own age, we learned none of those habits of libertinism to which our idle + life exposed us. Perhaps I am wrong in charging myself and cousin with + idleness at this time, for, in our lives, we were never less so; and what + was extremely fortunate, so incessantly occupied with our amusements, that + we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets. We + made cages, pipes, kites, drums, houses, ships, and bows; spoiled the + tools of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to make watches in + imitation of him; but our favorite amusement was wasting paper, in + drawing, washing, coloring, etc. There came an Italian mountebank to + Geneva, called Gamber-Corta, who had an exhibition of puppets, that he + made play a kind of comedy. We went once to see them, but could not spare + time to go again, being busily employed in making puppets of our own and + inventing comedies, which we immediately set about making them perform, + mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice of Punch; and, to + complete the business, my good aunt and uncle Bernard had the patience to + see and listen to our imitations; but my uncle, having one day read an + elaborate discourse to his family, we instantly gave up our comedies, and + began composing sermons. + </p> + <p> + These details, I confess, are not very amusing, but they serve to + demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed, since + being, at such an early age, the absolute masters of our time, we found no + inclination to abuse it; and so little in want of other companions, that + we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them. When taking our + walks together, we observed their diversions without feeling any + inclination to partake of them. Friendship so entirely occupied our + hearts, that, pleased with each other’s company the simplest pastimes were + sufficient to delight us. + </p> + <p> + We were soon remarked for being thus inseparable: and what rendered us + more conspicuous, my cousin was very tall, myself extremely short, so that + we exhibited a very whimsical contrast. This meagre figure, small, sallow + countenance, heavy air, and supine gait, excited the ridicule of the + children, who, in the gibberish of the country, nicknamed him ‘Barna + Bredanna’; and we no sooner got out of doors than our ears were assailed + with a repetition of “Barna Bredanna.” He bore this indignity with + tolerable patience, but I was instantly for fighting. This was what the + young rogues aimed at. I engaged accordingly, and was beat. My poor cousin + did all in his power to assist me, but he was weak, and a single stroke + brought him to the ground. I then became furious, and received several + smart blows, some of which were aimed at ‘Barna Bredanna’. This quarrel so + far increased the evil, that, to avoid their insults, we could only show + ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school. + </p> + <p> + I had already become a redresser of grievances; there only wanted a lady + in the way to be a knight-errant in form. This defect was soon supplied; I + presently had two. I frequently went to see my father at Nion, a small + city in the Vaudois country, where he was now settled. Being universally + respected, the affection entertained for him extended to me: and, during + my visits, the question seemed to be, who should show me most kindness. A + Madame de Vulson, in particular, loaded me with caresses; and, to complete + all, her daughter made me her gallant. I need not explain what kind of + gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty; the artful + hussies know how to set these puppets up in front, to conceal more serious + engagements. On my part I saw no inequality between myself and Miss + Vulson, was flattered by the circumstance, and went into it with my whole + heart, or rather my whole head, for this passion certainly reached no + further, though it transported me almost to madness, and frequently + produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with laughter. + </p> + <p> + I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have scarce any + affinity, yet each differing materially from tender friendship. My whole + life has been divided between these affections, and I have frequently felt + the power of both at the same instant. For example, at the very time I so + publically and tyrannically claimed Miss Vulson, that I could not suffer + any other of my sex to approach her, I had short, but passionate, + assignations with a Miss Goton, who thought proper to act the + schoolmistress with me. Our meetings, though absolutely childish, afforded + me the height of happiness. I felt the whole charm of mystery, and repaid + Miss Vulson in kind, when she least expected it, the use she made of me in + concealing her amours. To my great mortification, this secret was soon + discovered, and I presently lost my young schoolmistress. + </p> + <p> + Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage. She was not handsome, yet + there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily be + forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of. Her + eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her height, nor + her manner; she had a lofty imposing air, which agreed extremely well with + the character she assumed, but the most extraordinary part of her + composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be + conceived; and while she took the greatest liberties with me, would never + permit any to be taken with her in return, treating me precisely like a + child. This makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one, or + was yet sufficiently so to behold as play the danger to which this folly + exposed her. + </p> + <p> + I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when in + the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in other + respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity. I could have + passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a wish to quit her; + but then, my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity; and, in + numerous companies, I was particularly charmed with her. The sprightly + sallies of her wit, the arch glance of her eye, even jealousy itself, + strengthened my attachment, and I triumphed in the preference she seemed + to bestow on me, while addressed by more powerful rivals; applause, + encouragement, and smiles, gave animation to my happiness. Surrounded by a + throng of observers, I felt the whole force of love—I was + passionate, transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been constrained, + thoughtful, perhaps unhappy. If Miss Vulson was ill, I suffered with her; + would willingly have given up my own health to establish hers (and, + observe I knew the want of it from experience); if absent, she employed my + thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present, her caresses came with + warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses were unaffected. The + familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have supported the idea of + her granting to another; I loved her with a brother’s affection only, but + experienced all the jealousy of a lover. + </p> + <p> + With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; I + should have been a Turk, a tiger, had I once imagined she bestowed her + favors on any but myself. The pleasure I felt on approaching Miss Vulson + was sufficiently ardent, though unattended with uneasy sensations; but at + sight of Miss Goton, I felt myself bewildered—every sense was + absorbed in ecstasy. I believe it would have been impossible to have + remained long with her; I must have been suffocated with the violence of + my palpitations. I equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure; with + one I was more complaisant; with the other, more submissive. I would not + have offended Miss Vulson for the world; but if Miss Goton had commanded + me to throw myself into the flames, I think I should have instantly obeyed + her. Happily, both for her and myself, our amours; or rather rendezvous, + were not of long duration: and though my connection with Miss Vulson was + less dangerous, after a continuance of some greater length, that likewise + had its catastrophe; indeed the termination of a love affair is good for + nothing, unless it partakes of the romantic, and can furnish out at least + an exclamation. + </p> + <p> + Though my correspondence with Miss Vulson was less animated, it was + perhaps more endearing; we never separated without tears, and it can + hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart. I could neither think + nor speak of anything but her. These romantic sorrows were not affected, + though I am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre in her, for + I am persuaded (though I did not perceive it at that time) being deprived + of amusement bore a considerable share in them. + </p> + <p> + To soften the rigor of absence, we agreed to correspond with each other, + and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to + have split a rock. In a word, I had the honor of her not being able to + endure the pain of separation. She came to see me at Geneva. + </p> + <p> + My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she remained + here, I was intoxicated with delight. At her departure, I would have + thrown myself into the water after her, and absolutely rent the air with + my cries. The week following she sent me sweetmeats, gloves, etc. This + certainly would have appeared extremely gallant, had I not been informed + of her marriage at the same instant, and that the journey I had thought + proper to give myself the honor of, was only to buy her wedding suit. + </p> + <p> + My indignation may easily be conceived; I shall not attempt to describe + it. In this heroic fury, I swore never more to see the perfidious girl, + supposing it the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her. This, + however, did not occasion her death, for twenty years after, while on a + visit to my father, being on the lake, I asked who those ladies were in a + boat not far from ours. “What!” said my father smiling, “does not your + heart inform you? It is your former flame, it is Madame Christin, or, if + you please, Miss Vulson.” I started at the almost forgotten name, and + instantly ordered the waterman to turn off, not judging it worth while to + be perjured, however favorable the opportunity for revenge, in renewing a + dispute of twenty years past, with a woman of forty. + </p> + <p> + Thus, before my future destination was determined, did I fool away the + most precious moments of my youth. After deliberating a long time on the + bent of my natural inclination, they resolved to dispose of me in a manner + the most repugnant to them. I was sent to Mr. Masseron, the City Register, + to learn (according to the expression of my uncle Bernard) the thriving + occupation of a scraper. This nickname was inconceivably displeasing to + me, and I promised myself but little satisfaction in the prospect of + heaping up money by a mean employment. The assiduity and subjection + required, completed my disgust, and I never set foot in the office without + feeling a kind of horror, which every day gained fresh strength. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Masseron, who was not better pleased with my abilities than I was with + the employment, treated me with disdain, incessantly upbraiding me with + being a fool and blockhead, not forgetting to repeat, that my uncle had + assured him I was a knowing one, though he could not find that I knew + anything. That he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy, but + had, in truth, sent him an ass. To conclude, I was turned out of the + registry, with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all + Mr. Masseron’s clerks, and fit only to handle a file. + </p> + <p> + My vocation thus determined, I was bound apprentice; not, however, to a + watchmaker, but to an engraver, and I had been so completely humiliated by + the contempt of the register, that I submitted without a murmur. My + master, whose name was M. Ducommon, was a young man of a very violent and + boorish character, who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the + amiable qualities of my childhood, to stupefy a disposition naturally + sprightly, and reduce my feelings, as well as my condition, to an absolute + state of servitude. I forgot my Latin, history, and antiquities; I could + hardly recollect whether such people as Romans ever existed. When I + visited my father, he no longer beheld his idol, nor could the ladies + recognize the gallant Jean Jacques; nay, I was so well convinced that Mr. + and Miss Lambercier would scarce receive me as their pupil, that I + endeavored to avoid their company, and from that time have never seen + them. The vilest inclinations, the basest actions, succeeded my amiable + amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them. I must have + had, in spite of my good education, a great propensity to degenerate, else + the declension could not have followed with such ease and rapidity, for + never did so promising a Caesar so quickly become a Laradon. + </p> + <p> + The art itself did not displease me. I had a lively taste for drawing. + There was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver; and as it + required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a + watchcase engraver, I hoped to arrive at it. Perhaps I should have + accomplished my design, if unreasonable restraint, added to the brutality + of my master, had not rendered my business disgusting. I wasted his time, + and employed myself in engraving medals, which served me and my companions + as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of chivalry, and though + this differed very little from my usual employ, I considered it as a + relaxation. Unfortunately, my master caught me at this contraband labor, + and a severe beating was the consequence. He reproached me at the same + time with attempting to make counterfeit money because our medals bore the + arms of the Republic, though, I can truly aver, I had no conception of + false money, and very little of the true, knowing better how to make a + Roman As than one of our threepenny pieces. + </p> + <p> + My master’s tyranny rendered insupportable that labor I should otherwise + have loved, and drove me to vices I naturally despised, such as falsehood, + idleness, and theft. Nothing ever gave me a clearer demonstration of the + difference between filial dependence and abject slavery, than the + remembrance of the change produced in me at that period. Hitherto I had + enjoyed a reasonable liberty; this I had suddenly lost. I was enterprising + at my father’s, free at Mr. Lambercier’s, discreet at my uncle’s; but, + with my master, I became fearful, and from that moment my mind was + vitiated. Accustomed to live on terms of perfect equality, to be witness + of no pleasures I could not command, to see no dish I was not to partake + of, or be sensible of a desire I might not express; to be able to bring + every wish of my heart to my lips—what a transition!—at my + master’s I was scarce allowed to speak, was forced to quit the table + without tasting what I most longed for, and the room when I had nothing + particular to do there; was incessantly confined to my work, while the + liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed, served only to increase the + weight of my subjection. When disputes happened to arise, though conscious + that I understood the subject better than any of them, I dared not offer + my opinion; in a word, everything I saw became an object of desire, for no + other reason than because I was not permitted to enjoy anything. Farewell + gayety, ease, those happy turns of expressions, which formerly even made + my faults escape correction. I recollect, with pleasure, a circumstance + that happened at my father’s, which even now makes me smile. Being for + some fault ordered to bed without my supper, as I was passing through the + kitchen, with my poor morsel of bread in my hand, I saw the meat turning + on the spit; my father and the rest were round the fire; I must bow to + every one as I passed. When I had gone through this ceremony, leering with + a wistful eye at the roast meat, which looked so inviting, and smelt so + savory, I could not abstain from making that a bow likewise, adding in a + pitiful tone, good bye, roast meal! This unpremeditated pleasantry put + them in such good humor, that I was permitted to stay, and partake of it. + Perhaps the same thing might have produced a similar effect at my + master’s, but such a thought could never have occurred to me, or, if it + had, I should not have had courage to express it. + </p> + <p> + Thus I learned to covet, dissemble, lie, and, at length, to steal, a + propensity I never felt the least idea of before, though since that time I + have never been able entirely to divest myself of it. Desire and inability + united naturally led to this vice, which is the reason pilfering is so + common among footmen and apprentices, though the latter, as they grow up, + and find themselves in a situation where everything is at their command, + lose this shameful propensity. As I never experienced the advantage, I + never enjoyed the benefit. + </p> + <p> + Good sentiments, ill-directed, frequently lead children into vice. + Notwithstanding my continual wants and temptations, it was more than a + year before I could resolve to take even eatables. My first theft was + occasioned by complaisance, but it was productive of others which had not + so plausible an excuse. + </p> + <p> + My master had a journeyman named Verrat, whose mother lived in the + neighborhood, and had a garden at a considerable distance from the house, + which produced excellent asparagus. This Verrat, who had no great plenty + of money, took it in his head to rob her of the most early production of + her garden, and by the sale of it procure those indulgences he could not + otherwise afford himself; but not being very nimble, he did not care to + run the hazard of a surprise. After some preliminary flattery, which I did + not comprehend the meaning of, he proposed this expedition to me, as an + idea which had that moment struck him. At first I would not listen to the + proposal; but he persisted in his solicitation, and as I could never + resist the attacks of flattery, at length prevailed. In pursuance of this + virtuous resolution, I every morning repaired to the garden, gathered the + best of the asparagus, and took it to the Holard where some good old + women, who guessed how I came by it, wishing to diminish the price, made + no secret of their suspicions; this produced the desired effect, for, + being alarmed, I took whatever they offered, which being taken to Mr. + Verrat, was presently metamorphosed into a breakfast, and divided with a + companion of his; for, though I procured it, I never partook of their good + cheer, being fully satisfied with an inconsiderable bribe. + </p> + <p> + I executed my roguery with the greatest fidelity, seeking only to please + my employer; and several days passed before it came into my head, to rob + the robber, and tithe Mr. Verrat’s harvest. I never considered the hazard + I run in these expeditions, not only of a torrent of abuse, but what I + should have been still more sensible of, a hearty beating; for the + miscreant, who received the whole benefit, would certainly have denied all + knowledge of the fact, and I should only have received a double portion of + punishment for daring to accuse him, since being only an apprentice, I + stood no chance of being believed in opposition to a journeyman. Thus, in + every situation, powerful rogues know how to save themselves at the + expense of the feeble. + </p> + <p> + This practice taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had + imagined: I took care to make this discovery turn to some account, helping + myself to everything within my reach, that I conceived an inclination for. + I was not absolutely ill-fed at my master’s, and temperance was only + painful to me by comparing it with the luxury he enjoyed. The custom of + sending young people from table precisely when those things are served up + which seem most tempting, is calculated to increase their longing, and + induces them to steal what they conceive to be so delicious. It may be + supposed I was not backward in this particular: in general my knavery + succeeded pretty well, though quite the reverse when I happened to be + detected. + </p> + <p> + I recollect an attempt to procure some apples, which was attended with + circumstances that make me smile and shudder even at this instant. The + fruit was standing in the pantry, which by a lattice at a considerable + height received light from the kitchen. One day, being alone in the house, + I climbed up to see these precious apples, which being out of my reach, + made this pantry appear the garden of Hesperides. I fetched the spit—tried + if it would reach them—it was too short—I lengthened it with a + small one which was used for game,—my master being very fond of + hunting, darted at them several times without success; at length was more + fortunate; being transported to find I was bringing up an apple, I drew it + gently to the lattice—was going to seize it when (who can express my + grief and astonishment!) I found it would not pass through—it was + too large. I tried every expedient to accomplish my design, sought + supporters to keep the spits in the same position, a knife to divide the + apple, and a lath to hold it with; at length, I so far succeeded as to + effect the division, and made no doubt of drawing the pieces through; but + it was scarcely separated, (compassionate reader, sympathize with my + affliction) when both pieces fell into the pantry. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0028.jpg" alt="0028 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0028.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + Though I lost time by this experiment, I did not lose courage, but, + dreading a surprise, I put off the attempt till next day, when I hoped to + be more successful, and returned to my work as if nothing had happened, + without once thinking of what the two obvious witnesses I had left in the + pantry deposed against me. + </p> + <p> + The next day (a fine opportunity offering) I renew the trial. I fasten the + spits together; get on the stool; take aim; am just going to dart at my + prey—unfortunately the dragon did not sleep; the pantry door opens, + my master makes his appearance, and, looking up, exclaims, “Bravo!”—The + horror of that moment returns—the pen drops from my hand. + </p> + <p> + A continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous; it seemed a + kind of composition for my crimes, which authorized me to continue them, + and, instead of looking back at the punishment, I looked forward to + revenge. Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all the vices + of one. I was convinced that to rob and be punished were inseparable, and + constituted, if I may so express myself, a kind of traffic, in which, if I + perform my part of the bargain, my master would take care not to be + deficient in his; that preliminary settled, I applied myself to thieving + with great tranquility, and whenever this interrogatory occurred to my + mind, “What will be the consequence?” the reply was ready, “I know the + worst, I shall be beat; no matter, I was made for it.” + </p> + <p> + I love good eating; am sensual, but not greedy; I have such a variety of + inclinations to gratify, that this can never predominate; and unless my + heart is unoccupied, which very rarely happens, I pay but little attention + to my appetite; to purloining eatables, but extended this propensity to + everything I wished to possess, and if I did not become a robber in form, + it was only because money never tempted me. + </p> + <p> + My master had a closet in the workshop, which he kept locked; this I + contrived to open and shut as often as I pleased, and laid his best tools, + fine drawings, impressions, in a word, everything he wished to keep from + me, under contribution. + </p> + <p> + These thefts were so far innocent, that they were always employed in his + service, but I was transported at having the trifles in my possession, and + imagined I stole the art with its productions. Besides what I have + mentioned, his boxes contained threads of gold and silver, a number of + small jewels, valuable medals, and money; yet, though I seldom had five + sous in my pocket, I do not recollect ever having cast a wishful look at + them; on the contrary, I beheld these valuables rather with terror than + with delight. + </p> + <p> + I am convinced the dread of taking money was, in a great measure, the + effect of education. There was mingled with the idea of it the fear of + infamy, a prison, punishment, and death: had I even felt the temptation, + these objects would have made me tremble; whereas my failings appeared a + species of waggery, and, in truth, they were little else; they could but + occasion a good trimming, and this I was already prepared for. A sheet of + fine drawing paper was a greater temptation than money sufficient to have + purchased a ream. This unreasonable caprice is connected with one of the + most striking singularities of my character, and has so far influenced my + conduct, that it requires a particular explanation. + </p> + <p> + My passions are extremely violent; while under their influence, nothing + can equal my impetuosity; I am an absolute stranger to discretion, + respect, fear, or decorum; rude, saucy, violent, and intrepid: no shame + can stop, no danger intimidate me. My mind is frequently so engrossed by a + single object, that beyond it the whole world is not worth a thought; this + is the enthusiasm of a moment, the next, perhaps, I am plunged in a state + of annihilation. Take me in my moments of tranquility, I am indolence and + timidity itself; a word to speak, the least trifle to perform, appear an + intolerable labor; everything alarms and terrifies me; the very buzzing of + a fly will make me shudder; I am so subdued by fear and shame, that I + would gladly shield myself from mortal view. + </p> + <p> + When obliged to exert myself, I am ignorant what to do! when forced to + speak, I am at a loss for words; and if any one looks at me, I am + instantly out of countenance. If animated with my subject, I express my + thoughts with ease, but, in ordinary conversations, I can say nothing—absolutely + nothing; and, being obliged to speak, renders them insupportable. + </p> + <p> + I may add, that none of my predominant inclinations centre in those + pleasures which are to be purchased: money empoisons my delight; I must + have them unadulterated; I love those of the table, for instance, but + cannot endure the restraints of good company, or the intemperance of + taverns; I can enjoy them only with a friend, for alone it is equally + impossible; my imagination is then so occupied with other things, that I + find no pleasure in eating. Women who are to be purchased have no charms + for me; my beating heart cannot be satisfied without affection; it is the + same with every other enjoyment, if not truly disinterested, they are + absolutely insipid; in a word, I am fond of those things which are only + estimable to minds formed for the peculiar enjoyment of them. + </p> + <p> + I never thought money so desirable as it is usually imagined; if you would + enjoy you must transform it; and this transformation is frequently + attended with inconvenience; you must bargain, purchase, pay dear, be + badly served, and often duped. I buy an egg, am assured it is new-laid—I + find it stale; fruit in its utmost perfection—‘tis absolutely green. + I love good wine, but where shall I get it? Not at my wine merchant’s—he + will poison me to a certainty. I wish to be universally respected; how + shall I compass my design? I must make friends, send messages, write + letters, come, go, wait, and be frequently deceived. Money is the + perpetual source of uneasiness; I fear it more than I love good wine. + </p> + <p> + A thousand times, both during and since my apprenticeship, have I gone out + to purchase some nicety, I approach the pastry-cook’s, perceive some women + at the counter, and imagine they are laughing at me. I pass a fruit shop, + see some fine pears, their appearance tempts me; but then two or three + young people are near, or a man I am acquainted with is standing at the + door; I take all that pass for persons I have some knowledge of, and my + near sight contributes to deceive me. I am everywhere intimidated, + restrained by some obstacle, and with money in my pocket return as I went, + for want of resolution to purchase what I long for. + </p> + <p> + I should enter into the most insipid details was I to relate the trouble, + shame, repugnance, and inconvenience of all kinds which I have experienced + in parting with my money, whether in my own person, or by the agency of + others; as I proceed, the reader will get acquainted with my disposition, + and perceive all this without my troubling him with the recital. + </p> + <p> + This once comprehended, one of my apparent contradictions will be easily + accounted for, and the most sordid avarice reconciled with the greatest + contempt of money. It is a movable which I consider of so little value, + that, when destitute of it, I never wish to acquire any; and when I have a + sum I keep it by me, for want of knowing how to dispose of it to my + satisfaction; but let an agreeable and convenient opportunity present + itself, and I empty my purse with the utmost freedom; not that I would + have the reader imagine I am extravagant from a motive of ostentation, + quite the reverse; it was ever in subservience to my pleasures, and, + instead of glorying in expense, I endeavor to conceal it. I so well + perceive that money is not made to answer my purposes, that I am almost + ashamed to have any, and, still more, to make use of it. + </p> + <p> + Had I ever possessed a moderate independence, I am convinced I should have + had no propensity to become avaricious. I should have required no more, + and cheerfully lived up to my income; but my precarious situation has + constantly and necessarily kept me in fear. I love liberty, and I loathe + constraint, dependence, and all their kindred annoyances. As long as my + purse contains money it secures my independence, and exempts me from the + trouble of seeking other money, a trouble of which I have always had a + perfect horror; and the dread of seeing the end of my independence, makes + me proportionately unwilling to part with my money. The money that we + possess is the instrument of liberty, that which we lack and strive to + obtain is the instrument of slavery. Thence it is that I hold fast to + aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more. + </p> + <p> + My disinterestedness, then, is in reality only idleness, the pleasure of + possessing is not in my estimation worth the trouble of acquiring: and my + dissipation is only another form of idleness; when we have an opportunity + of disbursing pleasantly we should make the best possible use of it. + </p> + <p> + I am less tempted by money than by other objects, because between the + moment of possessing the money and that of using it to obtain the desired + object there is always an interval, however short; whereas to possess the + thing is to enjoy it. I see a thing and it tempts me; but if I see not the + thing itself but only the means of acquiring it, I am not tempted. + Therefore it is that I have been a pilferer, and am so even now, in the + way of mere trifles to which I take a fancy, and which I find it easier to + take than to ask for; but I never in my life recollect having taken a + farthing from any one, except about fifteen years ago, when I stole seven + francs and ten sous. The story is worth recounting, as it exhibits a + concurrence of ignorance and stupidity I should scarcely credit, did it + relate to any but myself. + </p> + <p> + It was in Paris: I was walking with M. de Franceul at the Palais Royal; he + pulled out his watch, he looked at it, and said to me, “Suppose we go to + the opera?”—“With all my heart.” We go: he takes two box tickets, + gives me one, and enters himself with the other; I follow, find the door + crowded; and, looking in, see every one standing; judging, therefore, that + M. de Franceul might suppose me concealed by the company, I go out, ask + for my ticket, and, getting the money returned, leave the house, without + considering, that by then I had reached the door every one would be + seated, and M. de Franceul might readily perceive I was not there. + </p> + <p> + As nothing could be more opposite to my natural inclination than this + abominable meanness, I note it, to show there are moments of delirium when + men ought not to be judged by their actions: this was not stealing the + money, it was only stealing the use of it, and was the more infamous for + wanting the excuse of a temptation. + </p> + <p> + I should never end these accounts, was I to describe all the gradations + through which I passed, during my apprenticeship, from the sublimity of a + hero to the baseness of a villain. Though I entered into most of the vices + of my situation, I had no relish for its pleasures; the amusements of my + companions were displeasing, and when too much restraint had made my + business wearisome, I had nothing to amuse me. This renewed my taste for + reading which had long been neglected. I thus committed a fresh offence, + books made me neglect my work, and brought on additional punishment, while + inclination, strengthened by constraint, became an unconquerable passion. + La Tribu, a well-known librarian, furnished me with all kinds; good or + bad, I perused them with avidity, and without discrimination. + </p> + <p> + It will be said; “at length, then, money became necessary”—true; but + this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me both of + resolution and activity; totally occupied by this new inclination, I only + wished to read, I robbed no longer. This is another of my peculiarities; a + mere nothing frequently calls me off from what I appear the most attached + to; I give in to the new idea; it becomes a passion, and immediately every + former desire is forgotten. + </p> + <p> + Reading was my new hobby; my heart beat with impatience to run over the + new book I carried in my pocket; the first moment I was alone, I seized + the opportunity to draw it out, and thought no longer of rummaging my + master’s closet. I was even ashamed to think that I had been guilty of + such meanness; and had my amusements been more expensive, I no longer felt + an inclination to continue it. La Tribu gave me credit, and when once I + had the book in my possession, I thought no more of the trifle I was to + pay for it; as money came it naturally passed to this woman; and when she + chanced to be pressing, nothing was so conveniently at hand as my own + effects; to steal in advance required foresight, and robbing to pay was no + temptation. + </p> + <p> + The frequent blows I received from my master, with my private and + ill-chosen studies, rendered me reserved, unsociable, and almost deranged + my reason. Though my taste had not preserved me from silly unmeaning + books, by good fortune I was a stranger to licentious or obscene ones; not + that La Tribu (who was very accommodating) had any scruple of lending + these, on the contrary, to enhance their worth she spoke of them with an + air of mystery; this produced an effect she had not foreseen, for both + shame and disgust made me constantly refuse them. Chance so well seconded + my bashful disposition, that I was past the age of thirty before I saw any + of those dangerous compositions. + </p> + <p> + In less than a year I had exhausted La Tribu’s scanty library, and was + unhappy for want of further amusement. My reading, though frequently bad, + had worn off my childish follies, and brought back my heart to nobler + sentiments than my condition had inspired; meantime disgusted with all + within my reach, and thinking everything charming that was out of it, my + present situation appeared extremely miserable. My passions began to + acquire strength, I felt their influence, without knowing whither they + would conduct me. I sometimes, indeed, thought of my former follies, but + sought no further. + </p> + <p> + At this time my imagination took a turn which helped to calm my increasing + emotions; it was, to contemplate those situations in the books I had read, + which produced the most striking effect on my mind; to recall, combine, + and apply them to myself in such a manner, as to become one of the + personages my recollection presented, and be continually in those fancied + circumstances which were most agreeable to my inclinations; in a word, by + contriving to place myself in these fictitious situations, the idea of my + real one was in a great measure obliterated. + </p> + <p> + This fondness for imaginary objects, and the facility with which I could + gain possession of them, completed my disgust for everything around me, + and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever since been + predominant. We shall have more than once occasion to remark the effects + of a disposition, misanthropic and melancholy in appearance, but which + proceed, in fact, from a heart too affectionate, too ardent, which, for + want of similar dispositions, is constrained to content itself with + nonentities, and be satisfied with fiction. It is sufficient, at present, + to have traced the origin of a propensity which has modified my passions, + set bounds to each, and by giving too much ardor to my wishes, has ever + rendered me too indolent to obtain them. + </p> + <p> + Thus I attained my sixteenth year, uneasy, discontented with myself and + everything that surrounded me; displeased with my occupation; without + enjoying the pleasures common to my age, weeping without a cause, sighing + I knew not why, and fond of my chimerical ideas for want of more valuable + realities. + </p> + <p> + Every Sunday, after sermon-time, my companions came to fetch me out, + wishing me to partake of their diversions. I would willingly have been + excused, but when once engaged in amusement, I was more animated and + enterprising than any of them; it was equally difficult to engage or + restrain me; indeed, this was ever a leading trait in my character. In our + country walks I was ever foremost, and never thought of returning till + reminded by some of my companions. I was twice obliged to be from my + master’s the whole night, the city gates having been shut before I could + reach them. The reader may imagine what treatment this procured me the + following mornings; but I was promised such a reception for the third, + that I made a firm resolution never to expose myself to the danger of it. + Notwithstanding my determination, I repeated this dreaded transgression, + my vigilance having been rendered useless by a cursed captain, named M. + Minutoli, who, when on guard, always shut the gate he had charge of an + hour before the usual time. I was returning home with my two companions, + and had got within half a league of the city, when I heard them beat the + tattoo; I redouble my pace, I run with my utmost speed, I approach the + bridge, see the soldiers already at their posts, I call out to them in a + suffocated voice—it is too late; I am twenty paces from the guard, + the first bridge is already drawn up, and I tremble to see those terrible + horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal and inevitable destiny, + which from this moment began to pursue me. + </p> + <p> + I threw myself on the glacis in a transport of despair, while my + companions, who only laughed at the accident, immediately determined what + to do. My resolution, though different from theirs, was equally sudden; on + the spot, I swore never to return to my master’s, and the next morning, + when my companions entered the city, I bade them an eternal adieu, + conjuring them at the same time to inform my cousin Bernard of my + resolution, and the place where he might see me for the last time. + </p> + <p> + From the commencement of my apprenticeship I had seldom seen him; at + first, indeed, we saw each other on Sundays, but each acquiring different + habits, our meetings were less frequent. I am persuaded his mother + contributed greatly towards this change; he was to consider himself as a + person of consequence, I was a pitiful apprentice; notwithstanding our + relationship, equality no longer subsisted between us, and it was + degrading himself to frequent my company. As he had a natural good heart + his mother’s lessons did not take an immediate effect, and for some time + he continued to visit me. + </p> + <p> + Having learned my resolution, he hastened to the spot I had appointed, + not, however, to dissuade me from it, but to render my flight agreeable, + by some trifling presents, as my own resources would not have carried me + far. He gave me among other things, a small sword, which I was very proud + of, and took with me as far as Turin, where absolute want constrained me + to dispose of it. The more I reflect on his behavior at this critical + moment, the more I am persuaded he followed the instructions of his + mother, and perhaps his father likewise: for, had he been left to his own + feelings, he would have endeavored to retain, or have been tempted to + accompany me; on the contrary, he encouraged the design, and when he saw + me resolutely determined to pursue it, without seeming much affected, left + me to my fate. We never saw or wrote to each other from that time; I + cannot but regret this loss, for his heart was essentially good, and we + seemed formed for a more lasting friendship. + </p> + <p> + Before I abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny, let me contemplate + for a moment the prospect that awaited me had I fallen into the hands of a + better master. Nothing could have been more agreeable to my disposition, + or more likely to confer happiness, than the peaceful condition of a good + artificer, in so respectable a line as engravers are considered at Geneva. + I could have obtained an easy subsistence, if not a fortune; this would + have bounded my ambition; I should have had means to indulge in moderate + pleasures, and should have continued in my natural sphere, without meeting + with any temptation to go beyond it. Having an imagination sufficiently + fertile to embellish with its chimeras every situation, and powerful + enough to transport me from one to another, it was immaterial in which I + was fixed: that was best adapted to me, which, requiring the least care or + exertion, left the mind most at liberty; and this happiness I should have + enjoyed. In my native country, in the bosom of my religion, family and + friends, I should have passed a calm and peaceful life, in the uniformity + of a pleasing occupation, and among connections dear to my heart. I should + have been a good Christian, a good citizen, a good friend, a good man. I + should have relished my condition, perhaps have been an honor to it, and + after having passed a life of happy obscurity, surrounded by my family, I + should have died at peace. Soon it may be forgotten, but while remembered + it would have been with tenderness and regret. + </p> + <p> + Instead of this—what a picture am I about to draw!—Alas! why + should I anticipate the miseries I have endured? The reader will have but + too much of the melancholy subject. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK II. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he moment in which + fear had instigated my flight, did not seem more terrible than that + wherein I put my design in execution appeared delightful. To leave my + relations, my resources, while yet a child, in the midst of my + apprenticeship, before I had learned enough of my business to obtain a + subsistence; to run on inevitable misery and danger: to expose myself in + that age of weakness and innocence to all the temptations of vice and + despair; to set out in search of errors, misfortunes, snares, slavery, and + death; to endure more intolerable evils than those I meant to shun, was + the picture I should have drawn, the natural consequence of my hazardous + enterprise. How different was the idea I entertained of it!—The + independence I seemed to possess was the sole object of my contemplation; + having obtained my liberty, I thought everything attainable: I entered + with confidence on the vast theatre of the world, which my merit was to + captivate: at every step I expected to find amusements, treasures, and + adventures; friends ready to serve, and mistresses eager to please me; I + had but to show myself, and the whole universe would be interested in my + concerns; not but I could have been content with something less; a + charming society, with sufficient means, might have satisfied me. My + moderation was such, that the sphere in which I proposed to shine was + rather circumscribed, but then it was to possess the very quintessence of + enjoyment, and myself the principal object. A single castle, for instance, + might have bounded my ambition; could I have been the favorite of the lord + and lady, the daughter’s lover, the son’s friend, and protector of the + neighbors, I might have been tolerably content, and sought no further. + </p> + <p> + In expectation of this modest fortune, I passed a few days in the environs + of the city, with some country people of my acquaintance, who received me + with more kindness than I should have met with in town; they welcomed, + lodged, and fed me cheerfully; I could be said to live on charity, these + favors were not conferred with a sufficient appearance of superiority to + furnish out the idea. + </p> + <p> + I rambled about in this manner till I got to Confignon, in Savoy, at about + two leagues distance from Geneva. The vicar was called M. de Pontverre; + this name, so famous in the history of the Republic, caught my attention; + I was curious to see what appearance the descendants of the gentlemen of + the spoon exhibited; I went, therefore, to visit this M. de Pontverre, and + was received with great civility. + </p> + <p> + He spoke of the heresy of Geneva, declaimed on the authority of holy + mother church, and then invited me to dinner. I had little to object to + arguments which had so desirable a conclusion, and was inclined to believe + that priests, who gave such excellent dinners, might be as good as our + ministers. Notwithstanding M. de Pontverre’s pedigree, I certainly + possessed most learning; but I rather sought to be a good companion than + an expert theologian; and his Frangi wine, which I thought delicious, + argued so powerfully on his side, that I should have blushed at silencing + so kind a host; I, therefore, yielded him the victory, or rather declined + the contest. Any one who had observed my precaution, would certainly have + pronounced me a dissembler, though, in fact, I was only courteous. + </p> + <p> + Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice in young people; + ‘tis oftener a virtue. When treated with kindness, it is natural to feel + an attachment for the person who confers the obligation; we do not + acquiesce because we wish to deceive, but from dread of giving uneasiness, + or because we wish to avoid the ingratitude of rendering evil for good. + What interest had M. de Pontverre in entertaining, treating with respect, + and endeavoring to convince me? None but mine; my young heart told me + this, and I was penetrated with gratitude and respect for the generous + priest; I was sensible of my superiority, but scorned to repay his + hospitality by taking advantage of it. I had no conception of hypocrisy in + this forbearance, or thought of changing my religion, nay, so far was the + idea from being familiar to me, that I looked on it with a degree of + horror which seemed to exclude the possibility of such an event; I only + wished to avoid giving offence to those I was sensible caressed me from + that motive; I wished to cultivate their good opinion, and meantime leave + them the hope of success by seeming less on my guard than I really was. My + conduct in this particular resembled the coquetry of some very honest + women, who, to obtain their wishes, without permitting or promising + anything, sometimes encourage hopes they never mean to realize. + </p> + <p> + Reason, piety, and love of order, certainly demanded that instead of being + encouraged in my folly, I should have been dissuaded from the ruin I was + courting, and sent back to my family; and this conduct any one that was + actuated by genuine virtue would have pursued; but it should be observed + that though M. de Pontverre was a religious man, he was not a virtuous + one, but a bigot, who knew no virtue except worshipping images and telling + his beads, in a word, a kind of missionary, who thought the height of + merit consisted in writing libels against the ministers of Geneva. Far + from wishing to send me back, he endeavored to favor my escape, and put it + out of my power to return even had I been so disposed. It was a thousand + to one but he was sending me to perish with hunger, or become a villain; + but all this was foreign to his purpose; he saw a soul snatched from + heresy, and restored to the bosom of the church: whether I was an honest + man or a knave was very immaterial, provided I went to mass. + </p> + <p> + This ridiculous mode of thinking is not peculiar to Catholics; it is the + voice of every dogmatical persuasion where merit consists in belief, and + not in virtue. + </p> + <p> + “You are called by the Almighty,” said M. de Pontverre; “go to Annecy, + where you will find a good and charitable lady, whom the bounty of the + king enables to turn souls from those errors she has happily renounced.” + He spoke of a Madam de Warens, a new convert, to whom the priests + contrived to send those wretches who were disposed to sell their faith, + and with these she was in a manner constrained to share a pension of two + thousand francs bestowed on her by the King of Sardinia. I felt myself + extremely humiliated at being supposed to want the assistance of a good + and charitable lady. I had no objection to be accommodated with everything + I stood in need of, but did not wish to receive it on the footing of + charity and to owe this obligation to a devotee was still worse; + notwithstanding my scruples the persuasions of M. de Pontverre, the dread + of perishing with hunger, the pleasures I promised myself from the + journey, and hope of obtaining some desirable situation, determined me; + and I set out though reluctantly, for Annecy. I could easily have reached + it in a day, but being in no great haste to arrive there, it took me + three. My head was filled with the ideas of adventures, and I approached + every country-seat I saw in my way, in expectation of having them + realized. I had too much timidity to knock at the doors, or even enter if + I saw them open, but I did what I dared—which was to sing under + those windows that I thought had the most favorable appearance; and was + very much disconcerted to find I wasted my breath to no purpose, and that + neither old nor young ladies were attracted by the melody of my voice, or + the wit of my poetry, though some songs my companions had taught me I + thought excellent and that I sung them incomparably. At length I arrived + at Annecy, and saw Madam de Warens. + </p> + <p> + As this period of my life, in a great measure, determined my character, I + could not resolve to pass it lightly over. I was in the middle of my + sixteenth year, and though I could not be called handsome, was well made + for my height; I had a good foot, a well turned leg, and animated + countenance; a well proportioned mouth, black hair and eyebrows, and my + eyes, though small and rather too far in my head, sparkling with vivacity, + darted that innate fire which inflamed my blood; unfortunately for me, I + knew nothing of all this, never having bestowed a single thought on my + person till it was too late to be of any service to me. The timidity + common to my age was heightened by a natural benevolence, which made me + dread the idea of giving pain. Though my mind had received some + cultivation, having seen nothing of the world, I was an absolute stranger + to polite address, and my mental acquisitions, so far from supplying this + defect, only served to increase my embarrassment, by making me sensible of + every deficiency. + </p> + <p> + Depending little, therefore, on external appearances, I had recourse to + other expedients: I wrote a most elaborate letter, where, mingling all the + flowers of rhetoric which I had borrowed from books with the phrases of an + apprentice, I endeavored to strike the attention, and insure the good will + of Madam de Warens. I enclosed M. de Pontverre’s letter in my own and + waited on the lady with a heart palpitating with fear and expectation. It + was Palm Sunday, of the year 1728; I was informed she was that moment gone + to church; I hasten after her, overtake, and speak to her.—The place + is yet fresh in my memory—how can it be otherwise? often have I + moistened it with my tears and covered it with kisses.—Why cannot I + enclose with gold the happy spot, and render it the object of universal + veneration? Whoever wishes to honor monuments of human salvation would + only approach it on their knees. + </p> + <p> + It was a passage at the back of the house, bordered on the left hand by a + little rivulet, which separated it from the garden, and, on the right, by + the court yard wall; at the end was a private door which opened into the + church of the Cordeliers. Madam de Warens was just passing this door; but + on hearing my voice, instantly turned about. What an effect did the sight + of her produce! I expected to see a devout, forbidding old woman; M. de + Pontverre’s pious and worthy lady could be no other in my conception; + instead of which, I see a face beaming with charms, fine blue eyes full of + sweetness, a complexion whose whiteness dazzled the sight, the form of an + enchanting neck, nothing escaped the eager eye of the young proselyte; for + that instant I was hers!—a religion preached by such missionaries + must lead to paradise! + </p> + <p> + My letter was presented with a trembling hand; she took it with a smile—opened + it, glanced an eye over M. de Pontverre’s and again returned to mine, + which she read through and would have read again, had not the footman that + instant informed her that service was beginning—“Child,” said she, + in a tone of voice which made every nerve vibrate, “you are wandering + about at an early age—it is really a pity!”—and without + waiting for an answer, added—“Go to my house, bid them give you + something for breakfast, after mass, I will speak to you.” + </p> + <p> + Louisa-Eleanora de Warens was of the noble and ancient family of La Tour + de Pit, of Vevay, a city in the country of the Vaudois. She was married + very young to a M. de Warens, of the house of Loys, eldest son of M. de + Villardin, of Lausanne; there were no children by this marriage, which was + far from being a happy one. Some domestic uneasiness made Madam de Warens + take the resolution of crossing the Lake, and throwing herself at the feet + of Victor Amadeus, who was then at Evian; thus abandoning her husband, + family, and country by a giddiness similar to mine, which precipitation + she, too, has found sufficient time and reason to lament. + </p> + <p> + The king, who was fond of appearing a zealous promoter of the Catholic + faith, took her under his protection, and complimented her with a pension + of fifteen hundred livres of Piedmont, which was a considerable + appointment for a prince who never had the character of being generous; + but finding his liberality made some conjecture he had an affection for + the lady, he sent her to Annecy escorted by a detachment of his guards, + where, under the direction of Michael Gabriel de Bernex, titular bishop of + Geneva, she abjured her former religion at the Convent of the Visitation. + </p> + <p> + I came to Annecy just six years after this event; Madam de Warens was then + eight-and-twenty, being born with the century. Her beauty, consisting more + in the expressive animation of the countenance, than a set of features, + was in its meridian; her manner soothing and tender; an angelic smile + played about her mouth, which was small and delicate; she wore her hair + (which was of an ash color, and uncommonly beautiful) with an air of + negligence that made her appear still more interesting; she was short, and + rather thick for her height, though by no means disagreeably so; but there + could not be a more lovely face, a finer neck, or hands and arms more + exquisitely formed. + </p> + <p> + Her education had been derived from such a variety of sources, that it + formed an extraordinary assemblage. Like me, she had lost her mother at + her birth, and had received instruction as it chanced to present itself; + she had learned something of her governess, something of her father, a + little of her masters, but copiously from her lovers; particularly a M. de + Tavel, who, possessing both taste and information, endeavored to adorn + with them the mind of her he loved. These various instructions, not being + properly arranged, tended to impede each other, and she did not acquire + that degree of improvement her natural good sense was capable of + receiving; she knew something of philosophy and physic, but not enough to + eradicate the fondness she had imbibed from her father for empiricism and + alchemy; she made elixirs, tinctures, balsams, pretended to secrets, and + prepared magestry; while quacks and pretenders, profiting by her weakness, + destroyed her property among furnaces, drugs and minerals, diminishing + those charms and accomplishments which might have been the delight of the + most elegant circles. But though these interested wretches took advantage + of her ill-applied education to obscure her natural good sense, her + excellent heart retained its purity; her amiable mildness, sensibility for + the unfortunate, inexhaustible bounty, and open, cheerful frankness, knew + no variation; even at the approach of old age, when attacked by various + calamities, rendered more cutting by indigence, the serenity of her + disposition preserved to the end of her life the pleasing gayety of her + happiest days. + </p> + <p> + Her errors proceeded from an inexhaustible fund of activity, which + demanded perpetual employment. She found no satisfaction in the customary + intrigues of her sex, but, being formed for vast designs, sought the + direction of important enterprises and discoveries. In her place Madam de + Longueville would have been a mere trifler, in Madam de Longueville’s + situation she would have governed the state. Her talents did not accord + with her fortune; what would have gained her distinction in a more + elevated sphere, became her ruin. In enterprises which suited her + disposition, she arranged the plan in her imagination, which was ever + carried of its utmost extent, and the means she employed being + proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities, she failed by the + mismanagement of those upon whom she depended, and was ruined where + another would scarce have been a loser. This active disposition, which + involved her in so many difficulties, was at least productive of one + benefit as it prevented her from passing the remainder of her life in the + monastic asylum she had chosen, which she had some thought of. The simple + and uniform life of a nun, and the little cabals and gossipings of their + parlor, were not adapted to a mind vigorous and active, which, every day + forming new systems, had occasions for liberty to attempt their + completion. + </p> + <p> + The good bishop of Bernex, with less wit than Francis of Sales, resembled + him in many particulars, and Madam de Warens, whom he loved to call his + daughter, and who was like Madam de Chantel in several respects, might + have increased the resemblance by retiring like her from the world, had + she not been disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent. It was not + want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from giving those proofs of + devotion which might have been expected from a new convert, under the + immediate direction of a prelate. Whatever might have influenced her to + change her religion, she was certainly sincere in that she had embraced; + she might find sufficient occasion to repent having abjured her former + faith, but no inclination to return to it. She not only died a good + Catholic, but truly lived one; nay, I dare affirm (and I think I have had + the opportunity to read the secrets of her heart) that it was only her + aversion to singularity that prevented her acting the devotee in public; + in a word, her piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of it. + But this is not the place to enlarge on her principles: I shall find other + occasions to speak of them. + </p> + <p> + Let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls, explain, if they + know how, why the first glance, the first word of Madam de Warens inspired + me, not only with a lively attachment, but with the most unbounded + confidence, which has since known no abatement. Say this was love (which + will at least appear doubtful to those who read the sequel of our + attachment) how could this passion be attended with sentiments which + scarce ever accompany its commencement, such as peace, serenity, security, + and confidence. How, when making application to an amiable and polished + woman, whose situation in life was so superior to mine, so far above any I + had yet approached, on whom, in a great measure, depended my future + fortune by the degree of interest she might take in it; how, I say with so + many reasons to depress me, did I feel myself as free, as much at my ease, + as if I had been perfectly secure of pleasing her! Why did I not + experience a moment of embarrassment, timidity or restraint? Naturally + bashful, easily confused, having seen nothing of the world, could I, the + first time, the first moment I beheld her, adopt caressing language, and a + familiar tone, as readily as after ten years’ intimacy had rendered these + freedoms natural? Is it possible to possess love, I will not say without + desires, for I certainly had them, but without inquietude, without + jealousy? Can we avoid feeling an anxious wish at least to know whether + our affection is returned? Yet such a question never entered my + imagination; I should as soon have inquired, do I love myself; nor did she + ever express a greater degree of curiosity; there was, certainly, + something extraordinary in my attachment to this charming woman and it + will be found in the sequel, that some extravagances, which cannot be + foreseen, attended it. + </p> + <p> + What could be done for me, was the present question, and in order to + discuss the point with greater freedom, she made me dine with her. This + was the first meal in my life where I had experienced a want of appetite, + and her woman, who waited, observed it was the first time she had seen a + traveller of my age and appearance deficient in that particular: this + remark, which did me no injury in the opinion of her mistress, fell hard + on an overgrown clown, who was my fellow guest, and devoured sufficient to + have served at least six moderate feeders. For me, I was too much charmed + to think of eating; my heart began to imbibe a delicious sensation, which + engrossed my whole being, and left no room for other objects. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warens wished to hear the particulars of my little history—all + the vivacity I had lost during my servitude returned and assisted the + recital. In proportion to the interest this excellent woman took in my + story, did she lament the fate to which I had exposed myself; compassion + was painted on her features, and expressed by every action. She could not + exhort me to return to Geneva, being too well aware that her words and + actions were strictly scrutinized, and that such advice would be thought + high treason against Catholicism, but she spoke so feelingly of the + affliction I must give my father, that it was easy to perceive she would + have approved my returning to console him. Alas! she little thought how + powerfully this pleaded against herself; the more eloquently persuasive + she appeared, the less could I resolve to tear myself from her. I knew + that returning to Geneva would be putting an insuperable barrier between + us, unless I repeated the expedient which had brought me here, and it was + certainly better to preserve than expose myself to the danger of a + relapse; besides all this, my conduct was predetermined, I was resolved + not to return. Madam de Warens, seeing her endeavors would be fruitless, + became less explicit, and only added, with an air of commiseration, “Poor + child! thou must go where Providence directs thee, but one day thou wilt + think of me.”—I believe she had no conception at that time how + fatally her prediction would be verified. + </p> + <p> + The difficulty still remained how I was to gain a subsistence? I have + already observed that I knew too little of engraving for that to furnish + my resource, and had I been more expert, Savoy was too poor a country to + give much encouragement to the arts. The above-mentioned glutton, who ate + for us as well as himself, being obliged to pause in order to gain some + relaxation from the fatigue of it, imparted a piece of advice, which, + according to him, came express from Heaven; though to judge by its effects + it appeared to have been dictated from a direct contrary quarter: this was + that I should go to Turin, where, in a hospital instituted for the + instruction of catechumens, I should find food, both spiritual and + temporal, be reconciled to the bosom of the church, and meet with some + charitable Christians, who would make it a point to procure me a situation + that would turn to my advantage. “In regard to the expenses of the + journey,” continued our advisor, “his grace, my lord bishop, will not be + backward, when once madam has proposed this holy work, to offer his + charitable donation, and madam, the baroness, whose charity is so well + known,” once more addressing himself to the continuation of his meal, + “will certainly contribute.” + </p> + <p> + I was by no means pleased with all these charities; I said nothing, but my + heart was ready to burst with vexation. Madam de Warens, who did not seem + to think so highly of this expedient as the projector pretended to do, + contented herself by saying, everyone should endeavor to promote good + actions, and that she would mention it to his lordship; but the meddling + devil, who had some private interest in this affair, and questioned + whether she would urge it to his satisfaction, took care to acquaint the + almoners with my story, and so far influenced those good priests, that + when Madam de Warens, who disliked the journey on my account, mentioned it + to the bishop, she found it so far concluded on, that he immediately put + into her hands the money designed for my little viaticum. She dared not + advance anything against it; I was approaching an age when a woman like + her could not, with any propriety, appear anxious to retain me. + </p> + <p> + My departure being thus determined by those who undertook the management + of my concerns, I had only to submit; and I did it without much + repugnance. Though Turin was at a greater distance from Madam de Warens + than Geneva, yet being the capital of the country I was now in, it seemed + to have more connection with Annecy than a city under a different + government and of a contrary religion; besides, as I undertook this + journey in obedience to her, I considered myself as living under her + direction, which was more flattering than barely to continue in the + neighborhood; to sum up all, the idea of a long journey coincided with my + insurmountable passion for rambling, which already began to demonstrate + itself. To pass the mountains, to my eye appeared delightful; how charming + the reflection of elevating myself above my companions by the whole height + of the Alps! To see the world is an almost irresistible temptation to a + Genevan, accordingly I gave my consent. + </p> + <p> + He who suggested the journey was to set off in two days with his wife. I + was recommended to their care; they were likewise made my purse-bearers, + which had been augmented by Madam de Warens, who, not contented with these + kindnesses, added secretly a pecuniary reinforcement, attended with the + most ample instructions, and we departed on the Wednesday before Easter. + </p> + <p> + The day following, my father arrived at Annecy, accompanied by his friend, + a Mr. Rival, who was likewise a watchmaker; he was a man of sense and + letters, who wrote better verses than La Motte, and spoke almost as well; + what is still more to his praise, he was a man of the strictest integrity, + but whose taste for literature only served to make one of his sons a + comedian. Having traced me to the house of Madam de Warens, they contented + themselves with lamenting, like her, my fate, instead of overtaking me, + which, (as they were on horseback and I on foot) they might have + accomplished with the greatest ease. + </p> + <p> + My uncle Bernard did the same thing, he arrived at Consignon, received + information that I was gone to Annecy, and immediately returned back to + Geneva; thus my nearest relations seemed to have conspired with my adverse + stars to consign me to misery and ruin. By a similar negligence, my + brother was so entirely lost, that it was never known what was become of + him. + </p> + <p> + My father was not only a man of honor but of the strictest probity, and + endured with that magnanimity which frequently produces the most shining + virtues: I may add, he was a good father, particularly to me whom he + tenderly loved; but he likewise loved his pleasures, and since we had been + separated other connections had weakened his paternal affections. He had + married again at Nion, and though his second wife was too old to expect + children, she had relations; my father was united to another family, + surrounded by other objects, and a variety of cares prevented my returning + to his remembrance. He was in the decline of life and had nothing to + support the inconveniences of old age; my mother’s property devolved to me + and my brother, but, during our absence, the interest of it was enjoyed by + my father: I do not mean to infer that this consideration had an immediate + effect on his conduct, but it had an imperceptible one, and prevented him + making use of that exertion to regain me which he would otherwise have + employed; and this, I think, was the reason that having traced me as far + as Annecy, he stopped short, without proceeding to Chambery, where he was + almost certain I should be found; and likewise accounts why, on visiting + him several times since my flight, he always received me with great + kindness, but never made any efforts to retain me. + </p> + <p> + This conduct in a father, whose affection and virtue I was so well + convinced of, has given birth to reflections on the regulation of my own + conduct which have greatly contributed to preserve the integrity of my + heart. It has taught me this great lesson of morality, perhaps the only + one that can have any conspicuous influence on our actions, that we should + ever carefully avoid putting our interests in competition with our duty, + or promise ourselves felicity from the misfortunes of others; certain that + in such circumstances, however sincere our love of virtue may be, sooner + or later it will give way and we shall imperceptibly become unjust and + wicked, in fact, however upright in our intentions. + </p> + <p> + This maxim, strongly imprinted on my mind, and reduced, though rather too + late, to practice, has given my conduct an appearance of folly and + whimsicality, not only in public, but still more among my acquaintances: + it has been said, I affected originality, and sought to act different from + other people; the truth is, I neither endeavor to conform or be singular, + I desire only to act virtuously and avoid situations, which, by setting my + interest in opposition to that of another person’s, might inspire me with + a secret, though involuntary wish to his disadvantage. + </p> + <p> + Two years ago, My Lord Marshal would have put my name in his will, which I + took every method to prevent, assuring him I would not for the world know + myself in the will of any one, much less in his; he gave up the idea; but + insisted in return, that I should accept an annuity on his life; this I + consented to. It will be said, I find my account in the alteration; + perhaps I may; but oh, my benefactor! my father, I am now sensible that, + should I have the misfortune to survive thee, I should have everything to + lose, nothing to gain. + </p> + <p> + This, in my idea, in true philosophy, the surest bulwark of human + rectitude; every day do I receive fresh conviction of its profound + solidity. I have endeavored to recommend it in all my latter writings, but + the multitude read too superficially to have made the remark. If I survive + my present undertaking, and am able to begin another, I mean, in a + continuation of Emilius, to give such a lively and marking example of this + maxim as cannot fail to strike attention. But I have made reflections + enough for a traveller, it is time to continue my journey. + </p> + <p> + It turned out more agreeable than I expected: my clownish conductor was + not so morose as he appeared to be. He was a middle-aged man, wore his + black, grizzly hair, in a queue, had a martial air, a strong voice, was + tolerably cheerful, and to make up for not having been taught any trade, + could turn his hand to every one. Having proposed to establish some kind + of manufactory at Annecy, he had consulted Madam de Warens, who + immediately gave into the project, and he was now going to Turin to lay + the plan before the minister and get his approbation, for which journey he + took care to be well rewarded. + </p> + <p> + This drole had the art of ingratiating himself with the priests, whom he + ever appeared eager to serve; he adopted a certain jargon which he had + learned by frequenting their company, and thought himself a notable + preacher; he could even repeat one passage from the Bible in Latin, and it + answered his purpose as well as if he had known a thousand, for he + repeated it a thousand times a day. He was seldom at a loss for money when + he knew what purse contained it; yet, was rather artful than knavish, and + when dealing out in an affected tone his unmeaning discourses, resembled + Peter the Hermit, preaching up the crusade with a sabre at his side. + </p> + <p> + Madam Sabran, his wife, was a tolerable, good sort of woman; more + peaceable by day than by night; as I slept in the same chamber I was + frequently disturbed by her wakefulness, and should have been more so had + I comprehended the cause of it; but I was in the chapter of dullness, + which left to nature the whole care of my own instruction. + </p> + <p> + I went on gayly with my pious guide and his hopeful companion, no sinister + accident impeding our journey. I was in the happiest circumstances both of + mind and body that I ever recollect having experienced; young, full of + health and security, placing unbounded confidence in myself and others; in + that short but charming moment of human life, whose expansive energy + carries, if I may so express myself, our being to the utmost extent of our + sensations, embellishing all nature with an inexpressible charm, flowing + from the conscious and rising enjoyment of our existence. + </p> + <p> + My pleasing inquietudes became less wandering: I had now an object on + which imagination could fix. I looked on myself as the work, the pupil, + the friend, almost the lover of Madam de Warens; the obliging things she + had said, the caresses she had bestowed on me; the tender interest she + seemed to take in everything that concerned me; those charming looks, + which seemed replete with love, because they so powerfully inspired it, + every consideration flattered my ideas during this journey, and furnished + the most delicious reveries, which, no doubt, no fear of my future + condition arose to embitter. In sending me to Turin, I thought they + engaged to find me an agreeable subsistence there; thus eased of every + care I passed lightly on, while young desires, enchanting hopes, and + brilliant prospects employed my mind; each object that presented itself + seemed to insure my approaching felicity. I imagined that every house was + filled with joyous festivity, the meadows resounded with sports and + revelry, the rivers offered refreshing baths, delicious fish wantoned in + these streams, and how delightful was it to ramble along the flowery + banks! The trees were loaded with the choicest fruits, while their shade + afforded the most charming and voluptuous retreats to happy lovers; the + mountains abounded with milk and cream; peace and leisure, simplicity and + joy, mingled with the charm of going I knew not whither, and everything I + saw carried to my heart some new cause for rapture. The grandeur, variety, + and real beauty of the scene, in some measure rendered the charm + reasonable, in which vanity came in for its share; to go so young to + Italy, view such an extent of country, and pursue the route of Hannibal + over the Alps, appeared a glory beyond my age; add to all this our + frequent and agreeable halts, with a good appetite and plenty to satisfy + it; for in truth it was not worth while to be sparing; at Mr. Sabran’s + table what I eat could scarce be missed. In the whole course of my life I + cannot recollect an interval more perfectly exempt from care, than the + seven or eight days I was passing from Annecy to Turin. As we were obliged + to walk Madam Sabran’s pace, it rather appeared an agreeable jaunt than a + fatiguing journey; there still remains the most pleasing impressions of it + on my mind, and the idea of a pedestrian excursion, particularly among the + mountains, has from this time seemed delightful. + </p> + <p> + It was only in my happiest days that I travelled on foot, and ever with + the most unbounded satisfaction; afterwards, occupied with business and + encumbered with baggage, I was forced to act the gentleman and employ a + carriage, where care, embarrassment, and restraint, were sure to be my + companions, and instead of being delighted with the journey, I only wished + to arrive at the place of destination. + </p> + <p> + I was a long time at Paris, wishing to meet with two companions of similar + dispositions, who would each agree to appropriate fifty guineas of his + property and a year of his time to making the tour of Italy on foot, with + no other attendance than a young fellow to carry our necessaries; I have + met with many who seemed enchanted with the project, but considered it + only as a visionary scheme, which served well enough to talk of, without + any design of putting it in execution. One day, speaking with enthusiasm + of this project to Diderot and Grimm, they gave into the proposal with + such warmth that I thought the matter concluded on; but it only turned out + a journey on paper, in which Grimm thought nothing so pleasing as making + Diderot commit a number of impieties, and shutting me up in the + Inquisition for them, instead of him. + </p> + <p> + My regret at arriving so soon at Turin was compensated by the pleasure of + viewing a large city, and the hope of figuring there in a conspicuous + character, for my brain already began to be intoxicated with the fumes of + ambition; my present situation appeared infinitely above that of an + apprentice, and I was far from foreseeing how soon I should be much below + it. + </p> + <p> + Before I proceed, I ought to offer an excuse, or justification to the + reader for the great number of unentertaining particulars I am + necessitated to repeat. In pursuance of the resolution I have formed to + enter on this public exhibition of myself, it is necessary that nothing + should bear the appearance of obscurity or concealment. I should be + continually under the eye of the reader, he should be enabled to follow me + In all the wanderings of my heart, through every intricacy of my + adventures; he must find no void or chasm in my relation, nor lose sight + of me an instant, lest he should find occasion to say, what was he doing + at this time; and suspect me of not having dared to reveal the whole. I + give sufficient scope to malignity in what I say; it is unnecessary I + should furnish still more by my silence. + </p> + <p> + My money was all gone, even that I had secretly received from Madam de + Warens: I had been so indiscreet as to divulge this secret, and my + conductors had taken care to profit by it. Madam Sabran found means to + deprive me of everything I had, even to a ribbon embroidered with silver, + with which Madam de Warens had adorned the hilt of my sword; this I + regretted more than all the rest; indeed the sword itself would have gone + the same way, had I been less obstinately bent on retaining it. They had, + it is true, supported me during the journey, but left me nothing at the + end of it, and I arrived at Turin, without money, clothes, or linen, being + precisely in the situation to owe to my merit alone the whole honor of + that fortune I was about to acquire. + </p> + <p> + I took care in the first place to deliver the letters I was charged with, + and was presently conducted to the hospital of the catechumens, to be + instructed in that religion, for which, in return, I was to receive + subsistence. On entering, I passed an iron-barred gate, which was + immediately double-locked on me; this beginning was by no means calculated + to give me a favorable opinion of my situation. I was then conducted to a + large apartment, whose furniture consisted of a wooden altar at the + farther end, on which was a large crucifix, and round it several + indifferent chairs, of the same materials. In this hall of audience were + assembled four or five ill-looking banditti, my comrades in instruction, + who would rather have been taken for trusty servants of the devil than + candidates for the kingdom of heaven. Two of these fellows were + Sclavonians, but gave out they were African Jews, and (as they assured me) + had run through Spain and Italy, embracing the Christian faith, and being + baptised wherever they thought it worth their labor. + </p> + <p> + Soon after they opened another iron gate, which divided a large balcony + that overlooked a court yard, and by this avenue entered our sister + catechumens, who, like me, were going to be regenerated, not by baptism + but a solemn abjuration. A viler set of idle, dirty, abandoned harlots, + never disgraced any persuasion; one among them, however, appeared pretty + and interesting; she might be about my own age, perhaps a year or two + older, and had a pair of roguish eyes, which frequently encountered mine; + this was enough to inspire me with the desire of becoming acquainted with + her, but she had been so strongly recommended to the care of the old + governess of this respectable sisterhood, and was so narrowly watched by + the pious missionary, who labored for her conversion with more zeal than + diligence, that during the two months we remained together in this house + (where she had already been three) I found it absolutely impossible to + exchange a word with her. She must have been extremely stupid, though she + had not the appearance of it, for never was a longer course of + instruction; the holy man could never bring her to a state of mind fit for + abjuration; meantime she became weary of her cloister, declaring that, + Christian or not, she would stay there no longer; and they were obliged to + take her at her word, lest she should grow refractory, and insist on + departing as great a sinner as she came. + </p> + <p> + This hopeful community were assembled in honor of the new-comer; when our + guides made us a short exhortation: I was conjured to be obedient to the + grace that Heaven had bestowed on me; the rest were admonished to assist + me with their prayers, and give me edification by their good example. Our + virgins then retired to another apartment, and I was left to contemplate, + at leisure, that wherein I found myself. + </p> + <p> + The next morning we were again assembled for instruction: I now began to + reflect, for the first time, on the step I was about to take, and the + circumstances which had led me to it. + </p> + <p> + I repeat, and shall perhaps repeat again, an assertion I have already + advanced, and of whose truth I every day receive fresh conviction, which + is, that if ever child received a reasonable and virtuous education, it + was myself. Born in a family of unexceptionable morals, every lesson I + received was replete with maxims of prudence and virtue. My father (though + fond of gallantry) not only possessed distinguished probity, but much + religion; in the world he appeared a man of pleasure, in his family he was + a Christian, and implanted early in my mind those sentiments he felt the + force of. My three aunts were women of virtue and piety; the two eldest + were professed devotees, and the third, who united all the graces of wit + and good sense, was, perhaps, more truly religious than either, though + with less ostentation. From the bosom of this amiable family I was + transplanted to M. Lambercier’s, a man dedicated to the ministry, who + believed the doctrine he taught, and acted up to its precepts. He and his + sister matured by their instructions those principles of judicious piety I + had already imbibed, and the means employed by these worthy people were so + well adapted to the effect they meant to produce, that so far from being + fatigued, I scarce ever listened to their admonitions without finding + myself sensibly affected, and forming resolutions to live virtuously, from + which, except in moments of forgetfulness, I seldom swerved. At my + uncle’s, religion was far more tiresome, because they made it an + employment; with my master I thought no more of it, though my sentiments + continued the same: I had no companions to vitiate my morals: I became + idle, careless, and obstinate, but my principles were not impaired. + </p> + <p> + I possessed as much religion, therefore, as a child could be supposed + capable of acquiring. Why should I now disguise my thoughts? I am + persuaded I had more. In my childhood, I was not a child; I felt, I + thought as a man: as I advanced in years, I mingled with the ordinary + class; in my infancy I was distinguished from it. I shall doubtless incur + ridicule by thus modestly holding myself up for a prodigy—I am + content. Let those who find themselves disposed to it, laugh their fill; + afterward, let them find a child that at six years old is delighted, + interested, affected with romances, even to the shedding floods of tears; + I shall then feel my ridiculous vanity, and acknowledge myself in an + error. + </p> + <p> + Thus when I said we should not converse with children on religion, if we + wished them ever to possess any; when I asserted they were incapable of + communion with the Supreme Being, even in our confined degree, I drew my + conclusions from general observation; I knew they were not applicable to + particular instances: find J. J. Rousseau of six years old, converse with + them on religious subjects at seven, and I will be answerable that the + experiment will be attended with no danger. + </p> + <p> + It is understood, I believe, that a child, or even a man, is likely to be + most sincere while persevering in that religion in whose belief he was + born and educated; we frequently detract from, seldom make any additions + to it: dogmatical faith is the effect of education. In addition to this + general principle which attached me to the religion of my forefathers, I + had that particular aversion our city entertains for Catholicism, which is + represented there as the most monstrous idolatry, and whose clergy are + painted in the blackest colors. This sentiment was so firmly imprinted on + my mind, that I never dared to look into their churches—I could not + bear to meet a priest in his surplice, and never did I hear the bells of a + procession sound without shuddering with horror; these sensations soon + wore off in great cities, but frequently returned in country parishes, + which bore more similarity to the spot where I first experienced them; + meantime this dislike was singularly contrasted by the remembrance of + those caresses which priests in the neighborhood of Geneva are fond of + bestowing on the children of that city. If the bells of the viaticum + alarmed me, the chiming for mass or vespers called me to a breakfast, a + collation, to the pleasure of regaling on fresh butter, fruits, or milk; + the good cheer of M. de Pontverre had produced a considerable effect on + me; my former abhorrence began to diminish, and looking on popery through + the medium of amusement and good living, I easily reconciled myself to the + idea of enduring, though I never entertained but a very transient and + distant idea of making a solemn profession of it. + </p> + <p> + At this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors; I shuddered + at the engagement I had entered into, and its inevitable consequences. The + future neophytes with which I was surrounded were not calculated to + sustain my courage by their example, and I could not help considering the + holy work I was about to perform as the action of a villain. Though young, + I was sufficiently convinced, that whatever religion might be the true + one, I was about to sell mine; and even should I chance to chose the best, + I lied to the Holy Ghost, and merited the disdain of every good man. The + more I considered, the more I despised myself, and trembled at the fate + which had led me into such a predicament, as if my present situation had + not been of my own seeking. There were moments when these compunctions + were so strong that had I found the door open but for an instant, I should + certainly have made my escape; but this was impossible, nor was the + resolution of any long duration, being combated by too many secret motives + to stand any chance of gaining the victory. + </p> + <p> + My fixed determination not to return to Geneva, the shame that would + attend it, the difficulty of repassing the mountains, at a distance from + my country, without friends, and without resources, everything concurred + to make me consider my remorse of conscience, as a too late repentance. I + affected to reproach myself for what I had done, to seek excuses for that + I intended to do, and by aggravating the errors of the past, looked on the + future as an inevitable consequence. I did not say, nothing is yet done, + and you may be innocent if you please; but I said, tremble at the crime + thou hast committed, which hath reduced thee to the necessity of filling + up the measure of thine iniquities. + </p> + <p> + It required more resolution than was natural to my age to revoke those + expectations which I had given them reason to entertain, break those + chains with which I was enthralled, and resolutely declare I would + continue in the religion of my forefathers, whatever might be the + consequence. The affair was already too far advanced, and spite of all my + efforts they would have made a point of bringing it to a conclusion. + </p> + <p> + The sophism which ruined me has had a similar affect on the greater part + of mankind, who lament the want of resolution when the opportunity for + exercising it is over. The practice of virtue is only difficult from our + own negligence; were we always discreet, we should seldom have occasion + for any painful exertion of it; we are captivated by desires we might + readily surmount, give into temptations that might easily be resisted, and + insensibly get into embarrassing, perilous situations, from which we + cannot extricate ourselves but with the utmost difficulty; intimidated by + the effort, we fall into the abyss, saying to the Almighty, why hast thou + made us such weak creatures? But, notwithstanding our vain pretexts, He + replies, by our consciences, I formed ye too weak to get out of the gulf, + because I gave ye sufficient strength not to have fallen into it. + </p> + <p> + I was not absolutely resolved to become a Catholic, but, as it was not + necessary to declare my intentions immediately, I gradually accustomed + myself to the idea; hoping, meantime, that some unforeseen event would + extricate me from my embarrassment. In order to gain time, I resolved to + make the best defence I possibly could in favor of my own opinion; but my + vanity soon rendered this resolution unnecessary, for on finding I + frequently embarrassed those who had the care of my instruction, I wished + to heighten my triumph by giving them a complete overthrow. I zealously + pursued my plan, not without the ridiculous hope of being able to convert + my convertors; for I was simple enough to believe, that could I convince + them of their errors, they would become Protestants; they did not find, + therefore, that facility in the work which they had expected, as I + differed both in regard to will and knowledge from the opinion they had + entertained of me. + </p> + <p> + Protestants, in general, are better instructed in the principles of their + religion than Catholics; the reason is obvious; the doctrine of the former + requires discussion, of the latter a blind submission; the Catholic must + content himself with the decisions of others, the Protestant must learn to + decide for himself; they were not ignorant of this, but neither my age nor + appearance promised much difficulty to men so accustomed to disputation. + They knew, likewise, that I had not received my first communion, nor the + instructions which accompany it; but, on the other hand, they had no idea + of the information I received at M. Lambercier’s, or that I had learned + the history of the church and empire almost by heart at my father’s; and + though, since that time, nearly forgot, when warmed by the dispute (very + unfortunately for these gentlemen), it again returned to my memory. + </p> + <p> + A little old priest, but tolerably venerable, held the first conference; + at which we were all convened. On the part of my comrades, it was rather a + catechism than a controversy, and he found more pains in giving them + instruction than answering their objections; but when it came to my turn, + it was a different matter; I stopped him at every article, and did not + spare a single remark that I thought would create a difficulty: this + rendered the conference long and extremely tiresome to the assistants. My + old priest talked a great deal, was very warm, frequently rambled from the + subject, and extricated himself from difficulties by saying he was not + sufficiently versed in the French language. + </p> + <p> + The next day, lest my indiscreet objections should injure the minds of + those who were better disposed, I was led into a separate chamber and put + under the care of a younger priest, a fine speaker; that is, one who was + fond of long perplexed sentences, and proud of his own abilities, if ever + doctor was. I did not, however, suffer myself to be intimidated by his + overbearing looks: and being sensible that I could maintain my ground, I + combated his assertions, exposed his mistakes, and laid about me in the + best manner I was able. He thought to silence me at once with St. + Augustine, St. Gregory, and the rest of the fathers, but found, to his + ineffable surprise, that I could handle these almost as dexterously as + himself; not that I had ever read them, or he either, perhaps, but I + retained a number of passages taken from my Le Sueur, and when he bore + hard on me with one citation, without standing to dispute, I parried it + with another, which method embarrassed him extremely. At length, however, + he got the better of me for two very potent reasons; in the first place, + he was of the strongest side; young as I was, I thought it might be + dangerous to drive him to extremities, for I plainly saw the old priest + was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition. In the next place, he had + studied, I had not; this gave a degree of method to his arguments which I + could not follow; and whenever he found himself pressed by an unforeseen + objection he put it off to the next conference, pretending I rambled from + the question in dispute. Sometimes he even rejected all my quotations, + maintaining they were false, and, offering to fetch the book, defied me to + find them. He knew he ran very little risk, and that, with all my borrowed + learning, I was not sufficiently accustomed to books, and too poor a + Latinist to find a passage in a large volume, had I been ever so well + assured it was there. I even suspected him of having been guilty of a + perfidy with which he accused our ministers, and that he fabricated + passages sometimes in order to evade an objection that incommoded him. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me, and + seeing but one way to get out of it, I endeavored to hasten my abjuration + with as much eagerness as I had hitherto sought to retard it. + </p> + <p> + The two Africans had been baptised with great ceremony, they were habited + in white from head to foot to signify the purity of their regenerated + souls. My turn came a month after; for all this time was thought necessary + by my directors, that they might have the honor of a difficult conversion, + and every dogma of their faith was recapitulated, in order to triumph the + more completely over my new docility. + </p> + <p> + At length, sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my masters, + I was led in procession to the metropolitan church of St. John, to make a + solemn abjuration, and undergo a ceremony made use of on these occasions, + which, though not baptism, is very similar, and serves to persuade the + people that Protestants are not Christians. I was clothed in a kind of + gray robe, decorated with white Brandenburgs. Two men, one behind, the + other before me, carried copper basins which they kept striking with a + key, and in which those who were charitably disposed put their alms, + according as they found themselves influenced by religion or good will for + the new convert; in a word, nothing of Catholic pageantry was omitted that + could render the solemnity edifying to the populace, or humiliating to me. + The white dress might have been serviceable, but as I had not the honor to + be either Moor or Jew, they did not think fit to compliment me with it. + </p> + <p> + The affair did not end here, I must now go to the Inquisition to be + absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy, and return to the bosom of the + church with the same ceremony to which Henry the Fourth was subjected by + his ambassador. The air and manner of the right reverend Father Inquisitor + was by no means calculated to dissipate the secret horror that seized my + spirits on entering this holy mansion. After several questions relative to + my faith, situation, and family, he asked me bluntly if my mother was + damned? Terror repressed the first gust of indignation; this gave me time + to recollect myself, and I answered, I hope not, for God might have + enlightened her last moments. The monk made no reply, but his silence was + attended with a look by no means expressive of approbation. + </p> + <p> + All these ceremonies ended, the very moment I flattered myself I should be + plentifully provided for, they exhorted me to continue a good Christian, + and live in obedience to the grace I had received; then wishing me good + fortune, with rather more than twenty francs of small money in my pocket, + the produce of the above-mentioned collection, turned me out, shut the + door on me, and I saw no more of them! + </p> + <p> + Thus, in a moment, all my flattering expectations were at an end; and + nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance of + having been made both a dupe and an apostate. It is easy to imagine what a + sudden revolution was produced in my ideas, when every brilliant + expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing myself plunged in the + completest misery. In the morning I was deliberating what palace I should + inhabit, before night I was reduced to seek my lodging in the street. It + may be supposed that I gave myself up to the most violent transports of + despair, rendered more bitter by a consciousness that my own folly had + reduced me to these extremities; but the truth is, I experienced none of + these disagreeable sensations. I had passed two months in absolute + confinement; this was new to me; I was now emancipated, and the sentiment + I felt most forcibly, was joy at my recovered liberty. After a slavery + which had appeared tedious, I was again master of my time and actions, in + a great city, abundant in resources, crowded with people of fortune, to + whom my merit and talents could not fail to recommend me. I had sufficient + time before me to expect this good fortune, for my twenty livres seemed an + inexhaustible treasure, which I might dispose of without rendering an + account of to anyone. It was the first time I had found myself so rich, + and far from giving way to melancholy reflections, I only adopted other + hopes, in which self-love was by no means a loser. Never did I feel so + great a degree of confidence and security; I looked on my fortune as + already made and was pleased to think I should have no one but myself to + thank for the acquisition of it. + </p> + <p> + The first thing I did was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all over the + city, and I seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my liberty; I went + to see the soldiers mount guard, and was delighted with their military + accouterment; I followed processions, and was pleased with the solemn + music of the priests; I next went to see the king’s palace, which I + approached with awe, but seeing others enter, I followed their example, + and no one prevented me; perhaps I owed this favor to the small parcel I + carried under my arm; be that as it may, I conceived a high opinion of my + consequence from this circumstance, and already thought myself an + inhabitant there. The weather was hot; I had walked about till I was both + fatigued and hungry; wishing for some refreshment, I went into a + milk-house; they brought me some cream-cheese curds and whey, and two + slices of that excellent Piedmont bread, which I prefer to any other; and + for five or six sous I had one of the most delicious meals I ever + recollect to have made. + </p> + <p> + It was time to seek a lodging: as I already knew enough of the Piedmontese + language to make myself understood, this was a work of no great + difficulty; and I had so much prudence, that I wished to adapt it rather + to the state of my purse than the bent of my inclinations. In the course + of my inquiries, I was informed that a soldier’s wife, in Po-street, + furnished lodgings to servants out of place at only one sou a night, and + finding one of her poor beds disengaged, I took possession of it. She was + young and newly married, though she already had five or six children. + Mother, children and lodgers, all slept in the same chamber, and it + continued thus while I remained there. She was good-natured, swore like a + carman, and wore neither cap nor handkerchief; but she had a gentle heart, + was officious; and to me both kind and serviceable. + </p> + <p> + For several days I gave myself up to the pleasures of independence and + curiosity; I continued wandering about the city and its environs, + examining every object that seemed curious or new; and, indeed, most + things had that appearance to a young novice. I never omitted visiting the + court, and assisted regularly every morning at the king’s mass. I thought + it a great honor to be in the same chapel with this prince and his + retinue; but my passion for music, which now began to make its appearance, + was a greater incentive than the splendor of the court, which, soon seen + and always the same, presently lost its attraction. The King of Sardinia + had at that time the best music in Europe; Somis, Desjardins, and the + Bezuzzi shone there alternately; all these were not necessary to fascinate + a youth whom the sound of the most simple instrument, provided it was + just, transported with joy. Magnificence only produced a stupid + admiration, without any violent desire to partake of it, my thoughts were + principally employed in observing whether any young princess was present + that merited my homage, and whom I could make the heroine of a romance. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, I was on the point of beginning one; in a less elevated sphere, + it is true, but where could I have brought it to a conclusion, I should + have found pleasures a thousand times more delicious. + </p> + <p> + Though I lived with the strictest economy, my purse insensibly grew + lighter. This economy was, however, less the effect of prudence than that + love of simplicity, which, even to this day, the use of the most expensive + tables has not been able to vitiate. Nothing in my idea, either at that + time or since, could exceed a rustic repast; give me milk, vegetables, + eggs, and brown bread, with tolerable wine and I shall always think myself + sumptuously regaled; a good appetite will furnish out the rest, if the + maitre d’ hotel, with a number of unnecessary footmen, do not satiate me + with their important attentions. Five or six sous would then procure me a + more agreeable meal than as many livres would have done since; I was + abstemious, therefore, for want of a temptation to be otherwise: though I + do not know but I am wrong to call this abstinence, for with my pears, new + cheese, bread and some glasses of Montferrat wine, which you might have + cut with a knife, I was the greatest of epicures. Notwithstanding my + expenses were very moderate, it was possible to see the end of twenty + livres; I was every day more convinced of this, and, spite of the + giddiness of youth, my apprehensions for the future amounted almost to + terror. All my castles in the air were vanished, and I became sensible of + the necessity of seeking some occupation that would procure me a + subsistence. + </p> + <p> + Even this was a work of difficulty; I thought of my engraving, but knew + too little of it to be employed as a journeyman, nor do masters abound in + Turin; I resolved, therefore, till something better presented itself, to + go from shop to shop, offering to engrave ciphers, or coats of arms, on + pieces of plate, etc., and hoped to get employment by working at a low + price; or taking what they chose to give me. Even this expedient did not + answer my expectations; almost all my applications were ineffectual, the + little I procured being hardly sufficient to produce a few scanty meals. + </p> + <p> + Walking one morning pretty early in the ‘Contra nova’, I saw a young + tradeswoman behind a counter, whose looks were so charmingly attractive, + that, notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies, I entered the shop + without hesitation, offered my services as usual: and had the happiness to + have it accepted. She made me sit down and recite my little history, + pitied my forlorn situation; bade me be cheerful, and endeavored to make + me so by an assurance that every good Christian would give me assistance; + then (while she had occasion for) she went up stairs and fetched me + something for breakfast. This seemed a promising beginning, nor was what + followed less flattering: she was satisfied with my work, and, when I had + a little recovered myself, still more with my discourse. She was rather + elegantly dressed and notwithstanding her gentle looks this appearance of + gayety had disconcerted me; but her good-nature, the compassionate tone of + her voice, with her gentle and caressing manner, soon set me at ease with + myself; I saw my endeavors to please were crowned with success, and this + assurance made me succeed the more. Though an Italian, and too pretty to + be entirely devoid of coquetry, she had so much modesty, and I so great a + share of timidity, that our adventure was not likely to be brought to a + very speedy conclusion, nor did they give us time to make any good of it. + I cannot recall the few short moments I passed with this lovely woman + without being sensible of an inexpressible charm, and can yet say, it was + there I tasted in their utmost perfection the most delightful, as well as + the purest pleasures of love. + </p> + <p> + She was a lively pleasing brunette, and the good nature that was painted + on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting. She was called + Madam Basile: her husband, who was considerably older than herself, + consigned her, during his absence, to the care of a clerk, too + disagreeable to be thought dangerous; but who, notwithstanding, had + pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of, except of ill-humors, a + good share of which he bestowed on me; though I was pleased to hear him + play the flute, on which he was a tolerable musician. This second Egistus + was sure to grumble whenever he saw me go into his mistress’ apartment, + treating me with a degree of disdain which she took care to repay him with + interest; seeming pleased to caress me in his presence, on purpose to + torment him. This kind of revenge, though perfectly to my taste, would + have been still more charming in a ‘tete a tete’, but she did not proceed + so far; at least, there was a difference in the expression of her + kindness. Whether she thought me too young, that it was my place to make + advances, or that she was seriously resolved to be virtuous, she had at + such times a kind of reserve, which, though not absolutely discouraging, + kept my passion within bounds. + </p> + <p> + I did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as I did for Madam + de Warens: I was embarrassed, agitated, feared to look, and hardly dared + to breathe in her presence, yet to have left her would have been worse + than death: How fondly did my eyes devour whatever they could gaze on + without being perceived! the flowers on her gown, the point of her pretty + foot, the interval of a round white arm that appeared between her glove + and ruffle, the least part of her neck, each object increased the force of + all the rest, and added to the infatuation. Gazing thus on what was to be + seen, and even more than was to be seen, my sight became confused, my + chest seemed contracted, respiration was every moment more painful. I had + the utmost difficulty to hide my agitation, to prevent my sighs from being + heard, and this difficulty was increased by the silence in which we were + frequently plunged. Happily, Madam Basile, busy at her work, saw nothing + of all this, or seemed not to see it: yet I sometimes observed a kind of + sympathy, especially at the frequent rising of her handkerchief, and this + dangerous sight almost mastered every effort, but when on the point of + giving way to my transports, she spoke a few words to me with an air of + tranquility, and in an instant the agitation subsided. + </p> + <p> + I saw her several times in this manner without a word, a gesture, or even + a look, too expressive, making the least intelligence between us. The + situation was both my torment and delight, for hardly in the simplicity of + my heart, could I imagine the cause of my uneasiness. I should suppose + these ‘tete a tete’ could not be displeasing to her, at least, she sought + frequent occasions to renew them; this was a very disinterested labor, + certainly, as appeared by the use she made, or ever suffered me to make of + them. + </p> + <p> + Being, one day, wearied with the clerk’s discourse, she had retired to her + chamber; I made haste to finish what I had to do in the back shop, and + followed her; the door was half open, and I entered without being + perceived. She was embroidering near a window on the opposite side of the + room; she could not see me; and the carts in the streets made too much + noise for me to be heard. She was always well dressed, but this day her + attire bordered on coquetry. Her attitude was graceful, her head leaning + gently forward, discovered a small circle of her neck; her hair, elegantly + dressed, was ornamented with flowers; her figure was universally charming, + and I had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire it. I was absolutely in a + state of ecstasy, and, involuntary, sinking on my knees, I passionately + extended my arms towards her, certain she could not hear, and having no + conception that she could see me; but there was a chimney glass at the end + of the room that betrayed all my proceedings. I am ignorant what effect + this transport produced on her; she did not speak; she did not look on me; + but, partly turning her head, with the movement of her finger only, she + pointed to the mat that was at her feet—To start up, with an + articulate cry of joy, and occupy the place she had indicated, was the + work of a moment; but it will hardly be believed I dared attempt no more, + not even to speak, raise my eyes to hers, or rest an instant on her knees, + though in an attitude which seemed to render such a support necessary. I + was dumb, immovable, but far enough from a state of tranquility; + agitation, joy, gratitude, ardent indefinite wishes, restrained by the + fear of giving displeasure, which my unpractised heart too much dreaded, + were sufficiently discernible. She neither appeared more tranquil, nor + less intimidated than myself—uneasy at my present situation; + confounded at having brought me there, beginning to tremble for the + effects of a sign which she had made without reflecting on the + consequences, neither giving encouragement, nor expressing disapprobation, + with her eyes fixed on her work, she endeavored to appear unconscious of + everything that passed; but all my stupidity could not hinder me from + concluding that she partook of my embarrassment, perhaps, my transports, + and was only hindered by a bashfulness like mine, without even that + supposition giving me power to surmount it. Five or six years older than + myself, every advance, according to my idea, should have been made by her, + and, since she did nothing to encourage mine, I concluded they would + offend her. Even at this time, I am inclined to believe I thought right; + she certainly had wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had + occasion, not only for encouragement but instruction. + </p> + <p> + I am ignorant how this animated, though dumb scene would have ended, or + how long I should have continued immovable in this ridiculous, though + delicious, situation, had we not been interrupted—in the height of + my agitation, I heard the kitchen door open, which joined Madam Basile’s + chamber; who, being alarmed, said, with a quick voice and action, “Get up! + Here’s Rosina!” Rising hastily I seized one of her hands, which she held + out to me, and gave it two eager kisses; at the second I felt this + charming hand press gently on my lips. Never in my life did I enjoy so + sweet a moment; but the occasion I had lost returned no more, this being + the conclusion of our amours. + </p> + <p> + This may be the reason why her image yet remains imprinted on my heart in + such charming colors, which have even acquired fresh lustre since I became + acquainted with the world and women. Had she been mistress of the least + degree of experience, she would have taken other measures to animate so + youthful a lover; but if her heart was weak, it was virtuous; and only + suffered itself to be borne away by a powerful though involuntary + inclination. This was, apparently, her first infidelity, and I should, + perhaps, have found more difficulty in vanquishing her scruples than my + own; but, without proceeding so far, I experienced in her company the most + inexpressible delights. Never did I taste with any other woman pleasures + equal to those two minutes which I passed at the feet of Madam Basile + without even daring to touch her gown. I am convinced no satisfaction can + be compared to that we feel with a virtuous woman we esteem; all is + transport!—A sign with the finger, a hand lightly pressed against my + lips, were the only favors I ever received from Madam Basile, yet the bare + remembrance of these trifling condescensions continues to transport me. + </p> + <p> + It was in vain I watched the two following days for another tete a tete; + it was impossible to find an opportunity; nor could I perceive on her part + any desire to forward it; her behavior was not colder, but more distant + than usual, and I believe she avoided my looks for fear of not being able + sufficiently to govern her own. The cursed clerk was more vexatious than + ever; he even became a wit, telling me, with a satirical sneer, that I + should unquestionably make my way among the ladies. I trembled lest I + should have been guilty of some indiscretion, and looking at myself as + already engaged in an intrigue, endeavored to cover with an air of mystery + an inclination which hitherto certainly had no great need of it; this made + me more circumspect in my choice of opportunities, and by resolving only + to seize such as should be absolutely free from the danger of a surprise, + I met none. + </p> + <p> + Another romantic folly, which I could never overcome, and which, joined to + my natural timidity, tended directly to contradict the clerk’s + predictions, is, I always loved too sincerely, too perfectly, I may say, + to find happiness easily attainable. Never were passions at the same time + more lively and pure than mine; never was love more tender, more true, or + more disinterested; freely would I have sacrificed my own happiness to + that of the object of my affection; her reputation was dearer than my + life, and I could promise myself no happiness for which I would have + exposed her peace of mind for a moment. This disposition has ever made me + employ so much care, use so many precautions, such secrecy in my + adventures, that all of them have failed; in a word, my want of success + with the women has ever proceeded from having loved them too well. + </p> + <p> + To return to our Egistus, the fluter; it was remarkable that in becoming + more insupportable, the traitor put on the appearance of complaisance. + From the first day Madam Basile had taken me under her protection, she had + endeavored to make me serviceable in the warehouse; and finding I + understood arithmetic tolerably well, she proposed his teaching me to keep + the books; a proposition that was but indifferently received by this + humorist, who might, perhaps, be fearful of being supplanted. As this + failed, my whole employ, besides what engraving I had to do, was to + transcribe some bills and accounts, to write several books over fair, and + translate commercial letters from Italian into French. All at once he + thought fit to accept the before rejected proposal, saying, he would teach + me bookkeeping by double-entry, and put me in a situation to offer my + services to M. Basile on his return; but there was something so false, + malicious, and ironical, in his air and manner, that it was by no means + calculated to inspire me with confidence. Madam Basile, replied archly, + that I was much obliged to him for his kind offer, but she hoped fortune + would be more favorable to my merits, for it would be a great misfortune, + with so much sense, that I should only be a pitiful clerk. + </p> + <p> + She often said, she would procure me some acquaintance that might be + useful; she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me, and had + prudently resolved on it. Our mute declaration had been made on Thursday, + the Sunday following she gave a dinner. A Jacobin of good appearance was + among the guests, to whom she did me the honor to present me. The monk + treated me very affectionately, congratulated me on my late conversion, + mentioned several particulars of my story, which plainly showed he had + been made acquainted with it, then, tapping me familiarly on the cheek, + bade me be good, to keep up my spirits, and come to see him at his + convent, where he should have more opportunity to talk with me. I judged + him to be a person of some consequence by the deference that was paid him; + and by the paternal tone he assumed with Madam Basile, to be her + confessor. I likewise remember that his decent familiarity was attended + with an appearance of esteem, and even respect for his fair penitent, + which then made less impression on me than at present. Had I possessed + more experience how should I have congratulated myself on having touched + the heart of a young woman respected by her confessor! + </p> + <p> + The table not being large enough to accommodate all the company, a small + one was prepared, where I had the satisfaction of dining with our + agreeable clerk; but I lost nothing with regard to attention and good + cheer, for several plates were sent to the side-table which were certainly + not intended for him. + </p> + <p> + Thus far all went well; the ladies were in good spirits, and the gentlemen + very gallant, while Madam Basile did the honors of the table with peculiar + grace. In the midst of the dinner we heard a chaise stop at the door, and + presently some one coming up stairs—it was M. Basile. Methinks I now + see him entering, in his scarlet coat with gold buttons— from that + day I have held the color in abhorrence. M. Basile was a tall handsome + man, of good address: he entered with a consequential look and an air of + taking his family unawares, though none but friends were present. His wife + ran to meet him, threw her arms about his neck, and gave him a thousand + caresses, which he received with the utmost indifference; and without + making any return saluted the company and took his place at table. They + were just beginning to speak of his journey, when casting his eye on the + small table he asked in a sharp tone, what lad that was? Madam Basile + answered ingenuously. He then inquired whether I lodged in the house; and + was answered in the negative. “Why not?” replied he, rudely, “since he + stays here all day, he might as well remain all night too.” The monk now + interfered, with a serious and true eulogium on Madam Basile: in a few + words he made mine also, adding, that so far from blaming, he ought to + further the pious charity of his wife, since it was evident she had not + passed the bounds of discretion. The husband answered with an air of + petulance, which (restrained by the presence of the monk) he endeavored to + stifle; it was, however, sufficient to let me understand he had already + received information of me, and that our worthy clerk had rendered me an + ill office. + </p> + <p> + We had hardly risen from table, when the latter came in triumph from his + employer, to inform me, I must leave the house that instant, and never + more during my life dare to set foot there. He took care to aggravate this + commission by everything that could render it cruel and insulting. I + departed without a word, my heart overwhelmed with sorrow, less for being + obliged to quit this amiable woman, than at the thought of leaving her to + the brutality of such a husband. He was certainly right to wish her + faithful; but though prudent and wellborn, she was an Italian, that is to + say, tender and vindictive; which made me think, he was extremely + imprudent in using means the most likely in the world to draw on himself + the very evil he so much dreaded. + </p> + <p> + Such was the success of my first adventure. I walked several times up and + down the street, wishing to get a sight of what my heart incessantly + regretted; but I could only discover her husband, or the vigilant clerk, + who, perceiving me, made a sign with the ell they used in the shop, which + was more expressive than alluring: finding, therefore, that I was so + completely watched, my courage failed, and I went no more. I wished, at + least, to find out the patron she had provided me, but, unfortunately, I + did not know his name. I ranged several times round the convent, + endeavoring in vain to meet with him. At length, other events banished the + delightful remembrance of Madam Basile; and in a short time I so far + forgot her, that I remained as simple, as much a novice as ever, nor did + my penchant for pretty women even receive any sensible augmentation. + </p> + <p> + Her liberality had, however, increased my little wardrobe, though she had + done this with precaution and prudence, regarding neatness more than + decoration, and to make me comfortable rather than brilliant. The coat I + had brought from Geneva was yet wearable, she only added a hat and some + linen. I had no ruffles, nor would she give me any, not but I felt a great + inclination for them. She was satisfied with having put it in my power to + keep myself clean, though a charge to do this was unnecessary while I was + to appear before her. + </p> + <p> + A few days after this catastrophe; my hostess, who, as I have already + observed, was very friendly, with great satisfaction informed me she had + heard of a situation, and that a lady of rank desired to see me. I + immediately thought myself in the road to great adventures; that being the + point to which all my ideas tended: this, however, did not prove so + brilliant as I had conceived it. I waited on the lady with the servant who + had mentioned me: she asked a number of questions, and my answers not + displeasing her, I immediately entered into her service not, indeed, in + the quality of favorite, but as a footman. I was clothed like the rest of + her people, the only difference being, they wore a shoulder-knot, which I + had not, and, as there was no lace on her livery, it appeared merely a + tradesman’s suit. This was the unforeseen conclusion of all my great + expectancies! + </p> + <p> + The Countess of Vercellis, with whom I now lived, was a widow without + children; her husband was a Piedmontese, but I always believed her to be a + Savoyard, as I could have no conception that a native of Piedmont could + speak such good French, and with so pure an accent. She was a middle-aged + woman, of a noble appearance and cultivated understanding, being fond of + French literature, in which she was well versed. Her letters had the + expression, and almost the elegance of Madam de Savigne’s; some of them + might have been taken for hers. My principal employ, which was by no means + displeasing to me, was to write from her dictating; a cancer in the + breast, from which she suffered extremely, not permitting her to write + herself. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Vercellis not only possessed a good understanding, but a strong + and elevated soul. I was with her during her last illness, and saw her + suffer and die, without showing an instant of weakness, or the least + effort of constraint; still retaining her feminine manners, without + entertaining an idea that such fortitude gave her any claim to philosophy; + a word which was not yet in fashion, nor comprehended by her in the sense + it is held at present. This strength of disposition sometimes extended + almost to apathy, ever appearing to feel as little for others as herself; + and when she relieved the unfortunate, it was rather for the sake of + acting right, than from a principle of real commiseration. I have + frequently experienced this insensibility, in some measure, during the + three months I remained with her. It would have been natural to have had + an esteem for a young man of some abilities, who was incessantly under her + observation, and that she should think, as she felt her dissolution + approaching, that after her death he would have occasion for assistance + and support: but whether she judged me unworthy of particular attention, + or that those who narrowly watched all her motions, gave her no + opportunity to think of any but themselves, she did nothing for me. + </p> + <p> + I very well recollect that she showed some curiosity to know my story, + frequently questioning me, and appearing pleased when I showed her the + letters I wrote to Madam de Warens, or explained my sentiments; but as she + never discovered her own, she certainly did not take the right means to + come at them. My heart, naturally communicative, loved to display its + feelings, whenever I encountered a similar disposition; but dry, cold + interrogatories, without any sign of blame or approbation on my answers, + gave me no confidence. Not being able to determine whether my discourse + was agreeable or displeasing, I was ever in fear, and thought less of + expressing my ideas, than of being careful not to say anything that might + seem to my disadvantage. I have since remarked that this dry method of + questioning themselves into people’s characters is a common trick among + women who pride themselves on superior understanding. These imagine, that + by concealing their own sentiments, they shall the more easily penetrate + into those of others; being ignorant that this method destroys the + confidence so necessary to make us reveal them. A man, on being + questioned, is immediately on his guard: and if once he supposes that, + without any interest in his concerns, you only wish to set him a-talking, + either he entertains you with lies, is silent, or, examining every word + before he utters it, rather chooses to pass for a fool, than to be the + dupe of your curiosity. In short, it is ever a bad method to attempt to + read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Vercellis never addressed a word to me which seemed to express + affection, pity, or benevolence. She interrogated me coldly, and my + answers were uttered with so much timidity, that she doubtless entertained + but a mean opinion of my intellects, for latterly she never asked me any + questions, nor said anything but what was absolutely necessary for her + service. She drew her judgment less from what I really was, than from what + she had made me, and by considering me as a footman prevented my appearing + otherwise. + </p> + <p> + I am inclined to think I suffered at that time by the same interested game + of concealed manoeuvre, which has counteracted me throughout my life, and + given me a very natural aversion for everything that has the least + appearance of it. Madam de Vercellis having no children, her nephew, the + Count de la Roque, was her heir, and paid his court assiduously, as did + her principal domestics, who, seeing her end approaching, endeavored to + take care of themselves; in short, so many were busy about her, that she + could hardly have found time to think of me. At the head of her household + was a M. Lorenzy, an artful genius, with a still more artful wife; who had + so far insinuated herself into the good graces of her mistress, that she + was rather on the footing of a friend than a servant. She had introduced a + niece of hers as lady’s maid: her name was Mademoiselle Pontal; a cunning + gypsy, that gave herself all the airs of a waiting-woman, and assisted her + aunt so well in besetting the countess, that she only saw with their eyes, + and acted through their hands. I had not the happiness to please this + worthy triumvirate; I obeyed, but did not wait on them, not conceiving + that my duty to our general mistress required me to be a servant to her + servants. Besides this, I was a person that gave them some inquietude; + they saw I was not in my proper situation, and feared the countess would + discover it likewise, and by placing me in it, decrease their portions; + for such sort of people, too greedy to be just, look on every legacy given + to others as a diminution of their own wealth; they endeavored, therefore, + to keep me as much out of her sight as possible. She loved to write + letters, in her situation, but they contrived to give her a distaste to + it; persuading her, by the aid of the doctor, that it was too fatiguing; + and, under pretence that I did not understand how to wait on her, they + employed two great lubberly chairmen for that purpose; in a word, they + managed the affair so well, that for eight days before she made her will, + I had not been permitted to enter the chamber. Afterwards I went in as + usual, and was even more assiduous than any one, being afflicted at the + sufferings of the unhappy lady, whom I truly respected and beloved for the + calmness and fortitude with which she bore her illness, and often did I + shed tears of real sorrow without being perceived by any one. + </p> + <p> + At length we lost her—I saw her expire. She had lived like a woman + of sense and virtue, her death was that of a philosopher. I can truly say, + she rendered the Catholic religion amiable to me by the serenity with + which she fulfilled its dictates, without any mixture of negligence or + affectation. She was naturally serious, but towards the end of her illness + she possessed a kind of gayety, too regular to be assumed, which served as + a counterpoise to the melancholy of her situation. She only kept her bed + two days, continuing to discourse cheerfully with those about her to the + very last. + </p> + <p> + She had bequeathed a year’s wages to all the under servants, but, not + being on the household list, I had nothing: the Count de la Roque, + however, ordered me thirty livres, and the new coat I had on, which M. + Lorenzy would certainly have taken from me. He even promised to procure me + a place; giving me permission to wait on him as often as I pleased. + Accordingly, I went two or three times, without being able to speak to + him, and as I was easily repulsed, returned no more; whether I did wrong + will be seen hereafter. + </p> + <p> + Would I had finished what I have to say of my living at Madam de + Vercellis’s. Though my situation apparently remained the same, I did not + leave her house as I had entered it: I carried with me the long and + painful remembrance of a crime; an insupportable weight of remorse which + yet hangs on my conscience, and whose bitter recollection, far from + weakening, during a period of forty years, seems to gather strength as I + grow old. Who would believe, that a childish fault should be productive of + such melancholy consequences? But it is for the more than probable effects + that my heart cannot be consoled. I have, perhaps, caused an amiable, + honest, estimable girl, who surely merited a better fate than myself, to + perish with shame and misery. + </p> + <p> + Though it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without confusion, + and the loss of some property; yet such was the fidelity of the domestics, + and the vigilance of M. and Madam Lorenzy, that no article of the + inventory was found wanting; in short, nothing was missing but a pink and + silver ribbon, which had been worn, and belonged to Mademoiselle Pontal. + Though several things of more value were in my reach, this ribbon alone + tempted me, and accordingly I stole it. As I took no great pains to + conceal the bauble, it was soon discovered; they immediately insisted on + knowing from whence I had taken it; this perplexed me—I hesitated, + and at length said, with confusion, that Marion gave it me. + </p> + <p> + Marion was a young Mauriennese, and had been cook to Madam de Vercellis + ever since she left off giving entertainments, for being sensible she had + more need of good broths than fine ragouts, she had discharged her former + one. Marion was not only pretty, but had that freshness of color only to + be found among the mountains, and, above all, an air of modesty and + sweetness, which made it impossible to see her without affection; she was + besides a good girl, virtuous, and of such strict fidelity, that everyone + was surprised at hearing her named. They had not less confidence in me, + and judged it necessary to certify which of us was the thief. Marion was + sent for; a great number of people were present, among whom was the Count + de la Roque: she arrives; they show her the ribbon; I accuse her boldly: + she remains confused and speechless, casting a look on me that would have + disarmed a demon, but which my barbarous heart resisted. At length, she + denied it with firmness, but without anger, exhorting me to return to + myself, and not injure an innocent girl who had never wronged me. With + infernal impudence, I confirmed my accusation, and to her face maintained + she had given me the ribbon: on which, the poor girl, bursting into tears, + said these words—“Ah, Rousseau! I thought you a good disposition—you + render me very unhappy, but I would not be in your situation.” She + continued to defend herself with as much innocence as firmness, but + without uttering the least invective against me. Her moderation, compared + to my positive tone, did her an injury; as it did not appear natural to + suppose, on one side such diabolical assurance; on the other, such angelic + mildness. The affair could not be absolutely decided, but the presumption + was in my favor; and the Count de la Roque, in sending us both away, + contented himself with saying, “The conscience of the guilty would revenge + the innocent.” His prediction was true, and is being daily verified. + </p> + <p> + I am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny, but there is little + probability of her having been able to place herself agreeably after this, + as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in every + respect. The theft was a trifle, yet it was a theft, and, what was worse, + employed to seduce a boy; while the lie and obstinacy left nothing to hope + from a person in whom so many vices were united. I do not even look on the + misery and disgrace in which I plunged her as the greatest evil: who + knows, at her age, whither contempt and disregarded innocence might have + led her?—Alas! if remorse for having made her unhappy is + insupportable, what must I have suffered at the thought of rendering her + even worse than myself. The cruel remembrance of this transaction, + sometimes so troubles and disorders me, that, in my disturbed slumbers, I + imagine I see this poor girl enter and reproach me with my crime, as + though I had committed it but yesterday. While in easy tranquil + circumstances, I was less miserable on this account, but, during a + troubled agitated life, it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of + persecuted innocence, and made me wofully experience, what, I think, I + have remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps in the calm + sunshine of prosperity, but wakes amid the storms of adversity. I could + never take on me to discharge my heart of this weight in the bosom of a + friend; nor could the closest intimacy ever encourage me to it, even with + Madam de Warens: all I could do, was to own I had to accuse myself of an + atrocious crime, but never said in what it consisted. The weight, + therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to this day; and I can + truly own the desire of relieving myself, in some measure, from it, + contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my Confessions. + </p> + <p> + I have proceeded truly in that I have just made, and it will certainly be + thought I have not sought to palliate the turpitude of my offence; but I + should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking, did I not, at the same + time, divulge my interior disposition, and excuse myself as far as is + conformable with truth. + </p> + <p> + Never was wickedness further from my thoughts, than in that cruel moment; + and when I accused the unhappy girl, it is strange, but strictly true, + that my friendship for her was the immediate cause of it. She was present + to my thoughts; I formed my excuse from the first object that presented + itself: I accused her with doing what I meant to have done, and as I + designed to have given her the ribbon, asserted she had given it to me. + When she appeared, my heart was agonized, but the presence of so many + people was more powerful than my compunction. I did not fear punishment, + but I dreaded shame: I dreaded it more than death, more than the crime, + more than all the world. I would have buried, hid myself in the centre of + the earth: invincible shame bore down every other sentiment; shame alone + caused all my impudence, and in proportion as I became criminal, the fear + of discovery rendered me intrepid. I felt no dread but that of being + detected, of being publicly, and to my face, declared a thief, liar, and + calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this overcame every other sensation. + Had I been left to myself, I should infallibly have declared the truth. Or + if M. de la Roque had taken me aside, and said—“Do not injure this + poor girl; if you are guilty own it,”—I am convinced I should + instantly have thrown myself at his feet; but they intimidated, instead of + encouraging me. I was hardly out of my childhood, or rather, was yet in + it. It is also just to make some allowance for my age. In youth, dark, + premeditated villainy is more criminal than in a riper age, but weaknesses + are much less so; my fault was truly nothing more; and I am less afflicted + at the deed itself than for its consequences. It had one good effect, + however, in preserving me through the rest of my life from any criminal + action, from the terrible impression that has remained from the only one I + ever committed; and I think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great + measure from regret at having been guilty of so black a one. If it is a + crime that can be expiated, as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness + and honor on various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes that + have overwhelmed my latter years, may have completed it. Poor Marion has + found so many avengers in this world, that however great my offence + towards her, I do not fear to bear the guilt with me. Thus have I + disclosed what I had to say on this painful subject; may I be permitted + never to mention it again. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK III. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>eaving the service + of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had entered it, I returned to my former + hostess, and remained there five or six weeks; during which time health, + youth, and laziness, frequently rendered my temperament importunate. I was + restless, absent, and thoughtful: I wept and sighed for a happiness I had + no idea of, though at the same time highly sensible of some deficiency. + This situation is indescribable, few men can even form any conception of + it, because, in general, they have prevented that plenitude of life, at + once tormenting and delicious. My thoughts were incessantly occupied with + girls and women, but in a manner peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my + senses in a perpetual and disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they + did not point out the means of deliverance. I would have given my life to + have met with a Miss Goton, but the time was past in which the play of + infancy predominated; increase of years had introduced shame, the + inseparable companion of a conscious deviation from rectitude, which so + confirmed my natural timidity as to render it invincible; and never, + either at that time or since, could I prevail on myself to offer a + proposition favorable to my wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it + by previous advances) even with those whose scruples I had no cause to + dread. + </p> + <p> + My stay at Madam de Vercellis’s had procured me some acquaintance, which I + thought might be serviceable to me, and therefore wished to retain. Among + others, I sometimes visited a Savoyard abbe, M. Gaime, who was tutor to + the Count of Melarede’s children. He was young, and not much known, but + possessed an excellent cultivated understanding, with great probity, and + was, altogether, one of the best men I ever knew. He was incapable of + doing me the service I then stood most in need of, not having sufficient + interest to procure me a situation, but from him I reaped advantages far + more precious, which have been useful to me through life, lessons of pure + morality, and maxims of sound judgment. + </p> + <p> + In the successive order of my inclinations and ideas, I had ever been too + high or too low. Achilles or Thersites; sometimes a hero, at others a + villain. M. Gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with myself, + without sparing or giving me too much discouragement. He spoke in + advantageous terms of my disposition and talents, adding, that he foresaw + obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them; thus, according to + him, they were to serve less as steps by which I should mount to fortune, + than as resources which might enable me to exist without one. He gave me a + true picture of human life, of which, hitherto, I had formed but a very + erroneous idea, teaching me, that a man of understanding, though destined + to experience adverse fortune, might, by skilful management, arrive at + happiness; that there was no true felicity without virtue, which was + practicable in every situation. He greatly diminished my admiration of + grandeur, by proving that those in a superior situation are neither better + nor happier than those they command. One of his maxims has frequently + returned to my memory: it was, that if we could truly read the hearts of + others we should feel more inclination to descend than rise: this + reflection, the truth of which is striking without extravagance, I have + found of great utility, in the various exigences of my life, as it tended + to make me satisfied with my condition. He gave me the first just + conception of relative duties, which my high-flown imagination had ever + pictured in extremes, making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime + virtues is of little use in society; that while endeavoring to rise too + high we are in danger of falling; and that a virtuous and uniform + discharge of little duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as + actions which are called heroic, and would at the same time procure more + honor and happiness. That it was infinitely more desirable to possess the + lasting esteem of those about us, than at intervals to attract admiration. + </p> + <p> + In properly arranging the various duties between man and man, it was + necessary to ascend to principles; the step I had recently taken, and of + which my present situation was the consequence, naturally led us to speak + of religion. It will easily be conceived that the honest M. Gaime was, in + a great measure, the original of the Savoyard Vicar; prudence only + obliging him to deliver his sentiments, on certain points, with more + caution and reserve, and explain himself with less freedom; but his + sentiments and councils were the same, not even excepting his advice to + return to my country; all was precisely as I have since given it to the + pubic. Dwelling no longer, therefore, on conversations which everyone may + see the substance of, I shall only add, that these wise instructions + (though they did not produce an immediate effect) were as so many seeds of + virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out, and only + required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity. + </p> + <p> + Though my conversation was not very sincere, I was affected by his + discourses, and far from being weary, was pleased with them on account of + their clearness and simplicity, but above all because his heart seemed + interested in what he said. My disposition is naturally tender, I have + ever been less attached to people for the good they have really done me + than for that they designed to do, and my feelings in this particular have + seldom misled me: thus I truly esteemed M. Gaime. I was in a manner his + second disciple, which even at that time was of inestimable service in + turning me from a propensity to vice into which my idleness was leading + me. + </p> + <p> + One day, when I least expected it, I was sent for by the Count de la + Roque. Having frequently called at his house, without being able to speak + with him, I grew weary, and supposing he had either forgot me or retained + some unfavorable impression of me, returned no more: but I was mistaken in + both these conjectures. He had more than once witnessed the pleasure I + took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt: he had even mentioned it to her, + and afterwards spoke of it, when I no longer thought of it myself. + </p> + <p> + He received me graciously, saying that instead of amusing me with useless + promises, he had sought to place me to advantage; that he had succeeded, + and would put me in a way to better my situation, but the rest must depend + on myself. That the family into which he should introduce me being both + powerful and esteemed, I should need no other patrons; and though at first + on the footing of a servant, I might be assured, that if my conduct and + sentiments were found above that station, I should not long remain in it. + The end of this discourse cruelly disappointed the brilliant hopes the + beginning had inspired. “What! forever a footman?” said I to myself, with + a bitterness which confidence presently effaced, for I felt myself too + superior to that situation to fear long remaining there. + </p> + <p> + He took me to the Count de Gauvon, Master of the Horse to the Queen, and + Chief of the illustrious House of Solar. The air of dignity conspicuous in + this respectable old man, rendered the affability with which he received + me yet more interesting. He questioned me with evident interest, and I + replied with sincerity. He then told the Count de la Roque, that my + features were agreeable, and promised intellect, which he believed I was + not deficient in; but that was not enough, and time must show the rest; + after which, turning to me, he said, “Child, almost all situations are + attended with difficulties in the beginning; yours, however, shall not + have too great a portion of them; be prudent, and endeavor to please + everyone, that will be almost your only employment; for the rest fear + nothing, you shall be taken care of.” Immediately after he went to the + Marchioness de Breil, his daughter-in-law, to whom he presented me, and + then to the Abbe de Gauvon, his son. I was elated with this beginning, as + I knew enough of the world already to conclude, that so much ceremony is + not generally used at the reception of a footman. In fact, I was not + treated like one. I dined at the steward’s table; did not wear a livery; + and the Count de Favria (a giddy youth) having commanded me to get behind + his coach, his grandfather ordered that I should get behind no coach, nor + follow any one out of the house. Meantime, I waited at table, and did, + within doors, the business of a footman; but I did it, as it were, of my + own free will, without being appointed to any particular service; and + except writing some letters, which were dictated to me, and cutting out + some ornaments for the Count de Favria, I was almost the absolute master + of my time. This trial of my discretion, which I did not then perceive, + was certainly very dangerous, and not very humane; for in this state of + idleness I might have contracted vices which I should not otherwise have + given into. Fortunately, it did not produce that effect; my memory + retained the lessons of M. Gaime, they had made an impression on my heart, + and I sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition + of them. I believe those who saw me going out, apparently by stealth, had + no conception of my business. Nothing could be more prudent than the + advice he gave me respecting my conduct. My beginning was admirable; so + much attention, assiduity, and zeal, had charmed everyone. The Abby Gaime + advised me to moderate this first ardor, lest I should relax, and that + relaxation should be considered as neglect. “Your setting out,” said he, + “is the rule of what will be expected of you; endeavor gradually to + increase your attentions, but be cautious how you diminish them.” + </p> + <p> + As they paid but little attention to my trifling talents, and supposed I + possessed no more than nature had given me, there was no appearance + (notwithstanding the promises of Count de Gauvon) of my meeting with any + particular consideration. Some objects of more consequence had intervened. + The Marquis de Breil, son of the Count de Gauvon, was then ambassador at + Vienna; some circumstances had occurred at that court which for some weeks + kept the family in continual agitation, and left them no time to think of + me. Meantime I had relaxed but little in my attentions, though one object + in the family did me both good and harm, making me more secure from + exterior dissipation, but less attentive to my duty. + </p> + <p> + Mademoiselle de Breil was about my own age, tolerably handsome, and very + fair complexioned, with black hair, which notwithstanding, gave her + features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen, and which my heart + could never resist. The court dress, so favorable to youth, showed her + fine neck and shape to advantage, and the mourning, which was then worn, + seemed to add to her beauty. It will be said, a domestic should not take + notice of these things; I was certainly to blame, yet I perceived all + this, nor was I the only one; the maitre d’ hotel and valet de chambre + spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that pained me extremely. + My head, however, was not sufficiently turned to allow of my being + entirely in love; I did not forget myself, or my situation. I loved to see + Mademoiselle de Breil; to hear her utter anything that marked wit, sense, + or good humor: my ambition, confined to a desire of waiting on her, never + exceeded its just rights. At table I was ever attentive to make the most + of them; if her footman quitted her chair, I instantly supplied his place; + in default of this, I stood facing her, seeking in her eyes what she was + about to ask for, and watching the moment to change her plate. What would + I not have given to hear her command, to have her look at, or speak the + smallest word to me! but no, I had the mortification to be beneath her + regard; she did not even perceive I was there. Her brother, who frequently + spoke to me while at table, having one day said something which I did not + consider obliging, I made him so arch and well-turned an answer, that it + drew her attention; she cast her eyes upon me, and this glance was + sufficient to fill me with transport. The next day, a second occasion + presented itself, which I fortunately made use of. A great dinner was + given; and I saw, with astonishment, for the first time, the maitre d’ + hotel waiting at table, with a sword by his side, and hat on his head. By + chance, the discourse turned on the motto of the house of Solar, which + was, with the arms, worked in the tapestry: ‘Tel fiert qui ne fue pas’. As + the Piedmontese are not in general very perfect in the French language, + they found fault with the orthography, saying, that in the word fiert + there should be no ‘t’. The old Count de Gauvon was going to reply, when + happening to cast his eyes on me, he perceived I smiled without daring to + say anything; he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion. I then said, + I did not think the ‘t’ superfluous, ‘fiert’ being an old French word, not + derived from the noun ‘ferus’, proud, threatening; but from the verb + ‘ferit’, he strikes, he wounds; the motto, therefore, did not appear to + mean, some threat, but, ‘Some strike who do not kill’. The whole company + fixed their eyes on me, then on each other, without speaking a word; never + was a greater degree of astonishment; but what most flattered me, was an + air of satisfaction which I perceived on the countenance of Mademoiselle + de Breil. This scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least + as valuable as the former, and turning to her grandfather, appeared to + wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me, and which he fully + bestowed, with such apparent satisfaction, that it was eagerly chorused by + the whole table. This interval was short, but delightful in many respects; + it was one of those moments so rarely met with, which place things in + their natural order, and revenge depressed merit for the injuries of + fortune. Some minutes after Mademoiselle de Breil again raised her eyes, + desiring me with a voice of timid affability to give her some drink. It + will easily be supposed I did not let her wait, but advancing towards her, + I was seized with such a trembling, that having filled the glass too full, + I spilled some of the water on her plate, and even on herself. Her brother + asked me, giddily, why I trembled thus? This question increased my + confusion, while the face of Mademoiselle de Breil was suffused with a + crimson blush. + </p> + <p> + Here ended the romance; where it may be remarked (as with Madam Basile, + and others in the continuation of my life) that I was not fortunate in the + conclusion of my amours. In vain I placed myself in the antechamber of + Madam de Breil, I could not obtain one mark of attention from her + daughter; she went in and out without looking at me, nor had I the + confidence to raise my eyes to her; I was even so foolishly stupid, that + one day, on dropping her glove as she passed, instead of seizing and + covering it with kisses, as I would gladly have done, I did not dare to + quit my place, but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a + footman, whom I could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness. + To complete my timidity, I perceived I had not the good fortune to please + Madam de Breil; she not only never ordered, but even rejected, my + services; and having twice found me in her antechamber, asked me, dryly, + “If I had nothing to do?” I was obliged, therefore, to renounce this dear + antechamber; at first it caused me some uneasiness, but other things + intervening, I presently thought no more of it. + </p> + <p> + The disdain of Madam de Breil was fully compensated by the kindness of her + father-in-law, who at length began to think of me. The evening after the + entertainment, I have already mentioned, he had a conversation with me + that lasted half an hour, which appeared to satisfy him, and absolutely + enchanted me. This good man had less sense than Madam de Vercellis, but + possessed more feeling; I therefore succeeded much better with him. He + bade me attach myself to his son, the Abbe Gauvon, who had an esteem for + me, which, if I took care to cultivate, might be serviceable in furnishing + me with what was necessary to complete their views for my future + establishment. The next morning I flew to M. the Abbe, who did not receive + me as a servant, but made me sit by his fireside, and questioned me with + great affability. He soon found that my education, which had attempted + many things, had completed none; but observing that I understood something + of Latin, he undertook to teach me more, and appointed me to attend him + every morning. Thus, by one of the whimsicalities which have marked the + whole course of my life, at once above and below my natural situation, I + was pupil and footman in the same house: and though in servitude, had a + preceptor whose birth entitled him to supply that place only to the + children of kings. + </p> + <p> + The Abbe de Gauvon was a younger son, and designed by his family for a + bishopric, for which reason his studies had been pursued further than is + usual with people of quality. He had been sent to the university of + Sienna, where he had resided some years, and from whence he had brought a + good portion of cruscantism, designing to be that at Turin which the Abbe + de Dangeau was formerly at Paris. Being disgusted with theology, he gave + in to the belle-lettres, which is very frequent in Italy, with those who + have entered the career of prelacy. He had studied the poets, and wrote + tolerable Latin and Italian verses; in a word, his taste was calculated to + form mine, and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash with + which my brain was encumbered; but whether my prating had misled him, or + that he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary parts of + Latin, he put me at first too high; and I had scarcely translated a few + fables of Phoedrus before he put me into Virgil, where I could hardly + understand anything. It will be seen hereafter that I was destined + frequently to learn Latin, but never to attain it. I labored with + assiduity, and the abbe bestowed his attention with a degree of kindness, + the remembrance of which, even at this time, both interests and softens + me. I passed the greater part of the morning with him as much for my own + instruction as his service; not that he ever permitted me to perform any + menial office, but to copy, or write from his dictating; and my employment + of secretary was more useful than that of scholar, and by this means I not + only learned the Italian in its utmost purity, but also acquired a taste + for literature, and some discernment of composition, which could not have + been at La Tribu’s, and which was useful to me when I afterwards wrote + alone. + </p> + <p> + At this period of my life, without being romantic, I might reasonably have + indulged the hope of preferment. The abbe, thoroughly pleased with me, + expressed his satisfaction to everyone, while his father had such a + singular affection for me, that I was assured by the Count de Favria, that + he had spoken of me to the king; even Madam de Breil had laid aside her + disdainful looks; in short I was a general favorite, which gave great + jealousy to the other servants, who seeing me honored by the instructions + of their master’s son, were persuaded I should not remain their equal. + </p> + <p> + As far as I could judge by some words dropped at random, and which I + reflected on afterwards, it appeared to me, that the House of Solar, + wishing to run the career of embassies, and hoping perhaps in time to + arrive at the ministry, wished to provide themselves with a person of + merit and talents, who depending entirely on them, might obtain their + confidence, and be of essential service. This project of the Count de + Gauvon was judicious, magnanimous, and truly worthy of a powerful + nobleman, equally provident and generous; but besides my not seeing, at + that time, its full extent, it was far too rational for my brain, and + required too much confinement. + </p> + <p> + My ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant + adventures, and not finding one woman in all this scheme, it appeared + tedious, painful and melancholy; though I should rather have thought it + more honorable on this account, as the species of merit generally + patronized by women is certainly less worthy that I was supposed to + possess. + </p> + <p> + Everything succeeded to my wish: I had obtained, almost forced, the esteem + of all; the trial was over, and I was universally considered as a young + man with flattering prospects, who was not at present in his proper + sphere, but was expected soon to reach it; but my place was not assigned + me by man, and I was to reach it by very difficult paths. I now come to + one of those characteristic traits, which are so natural to me, and which, + indeed, the reader might have observed without this reflection. + </p> + <p> + There were at Turin several new converts of my own stamp, whom I neither + liked nor wish to see; but I had met with some Genevese who were not of + this description, and among others a M. Mussard, nicknamed Wryneck, a + miniature painter, and a distant relation. This M. Mussard, having learned + my situation at the Count de Gauvon’s, came to see me, with another + Genevese, named Bacle, who had been my comrade during my apprenticeship. + This Bacle was a very sprightly, amusing young fellow, full of lively + sallies, which at his time of life appeared extremely agreeable. At once, + then, behold me delighted with M. Bacle; charmed to such a degree that I + found it impossible to quit him. He was shortly to depart for Geneva; what + a loss had I to sustain! I felt the whole force of it, and resolving to + make the best use of this precious interval, I determined not to leave + him, or, rather, he never quitted me, for my head was not yet sufficiently + turned to think of quitting the house without leave, but it was soon + perceived that he engrossed my whole time, and he was accordingly forbid + the house. This so incensed me, that forgetting everything but my friend + Bacle, I went neither to the abbe nor the count, and was no longer to be + found at home. I paid no attention to repeated reprimands, and at length + was threatened with dismissal. This threat was my ruin, as it suggested + the idea that it was not absolutely necessary that Bacle should depart + alone. From that moment I could think of no other pleasure, no other + situation or happiness than taking this journey. To render the felicity + still more complete, at the end of it (though at an immense distance) I + pictured to myself Madam de Warens; for as to returning to Geneva, it + never entered into my imagination. The hills, fields, brooks and villages, + incessantly succeeded each other with new charms, and this delightful + jaunt seemed worthy to absorb my whole existence. Memory recalled, with + inexpressible pleasure, how charming the country had appeared in coming to + Turin; what then must it be, when, to the pleasure of independence, should + be added the company of a good-humored comrade of my own age and + disposition, without any constraint or obligation, but free to go or stay + as we pleased? Would it not be madness to sacrifice the prospect of so + much felicity to projects of ambition, slow and difficult in their + execution, and uncertain in their event? But even supposing them realized, + and in their utmost splendor, they were not worth one quarter of an hour + of the sweet pleasure and liberty of youth. + </p> + <p> + Full of these wise conclusions, I conducted myself so improperly, that + (not indeed without some trouble) I got myself dismissed; for on my return + one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the count. + This was exactly what I wanted; for feeling, spite of myself, the + extravagance of my conduct, I wished to excuse it by the addition of + injustice and ingratitude, by throwing the blame on others, and sheltering + myself under the idea of necessity. + </p> + <p> + I was told the Count de Favria wished to speak with me the next morning + before my departure; but, being sensible that my head was so far turned as + to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction, the maitre de + hotel declined paying the money designed me, and which certainly I had + very ill earned, till after this visit; for my kind patrons being + unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman, I had not any fixed + wages. + </p> + <p> + The Count de Favria, though young and giddy, talked to me on this occasion + in the most sensible and serious manner: I might add, if it would not be + thought vain, with the utmost tenderness. He reminded me, in the most + flattering terms, of the cares of his uncle, and intentions of his + grandfather; after having drawn in lively colors what I was sacrificing to + ruin, he offered to make my peace, without stipulating any conditions, but + that I should no more see the worthless fellow who had seduced me. + </p> + <p> + It was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself, that + notwithstanding my blind stupidity, I powerfully felt the kindness of my + good old master, but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my + imagination for any consideration to balance the charm. Bereft of + understanding, firm to my purpose, I hardened myself against conviction, + and arrogantly answered, that as they had thought fit to give me warning, + I had resolved to take it, and conceived it was now too late to retract, + since, whatever might happen to me, I was fully resolved not to be driven + a second time from the same house. The count, justly irritated, bestowed + on me some names which I deserved, and putting me out of his apartment by + the shoulders, shut the door on me. I departed triumphant, as if I had + gained the greatest victory, and fearful of sustaining a second combat + even had the ingratitude to leave the house without thanking the abbe for + his kindness. + </p> + <p> + To form a just conception of my delirium at that moment, the excess to + which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents, and + the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive objects + should be conceived. At these times, plans the most ridiculous, childish, + and void of sense, flatter my favorite idea, and persuade me that it is + reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it. Would it be + believed, that when near nineteen, any one could be so stupid as to build + his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial? For example: + </p> + <p> + The Abbe de Gauvon had made me a present, some weeks before, of a very + pretty heron fountain, with which I was highly delighted. Playing with + this toy, and speaking of our departure, the sage Bacle and myself thought + it might be of infinite advantage, and enable us to lengthen our journey. + What in the world was so curious as a heron fountain? This idea was the + foundation on which we built our future fortune: we were to assemble the + country people in every village we might pass through, and delight them + with the sight of it, when feasting and good cheer would be sure to pour + on us abundantly; for we were both firmly persuaded, that provisions could + cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them, and if they did not + stuff travellers, it was downright ill-nature. + </p> + <p> + We pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings, reckoning that + without any expense but wind from our lungs, and the water of our + fountain, we should be maintained through Piedmont, Savoy, France, and + indeed, all the world over. There was no end to our projected travels, and + we immediately directed our course northward, rather for the pleasure of + crossing the Alps, than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to stop + at any place. + </p> + <p> + Such was the plan on which I set out, abandoning without regret, my + preceptors, studies, and hopes, with the almost certain attainment of a + fortune, to lead the life of a real vagabond. Farewell to the capital; + adieu to the court, ambition, love, the fair, and all the great adventures + into which hope had led me during the preceding year! I departed with my + fountain and my friend Bacle, a purse lightly furnished, but a heart + over-flowing with pleasure, and only thinking how to enjoy the extensive + felicity which I supposed my project encircled. + </p> + <p> + This extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as I had + expected, though not exactly on the same plan; not but our fountain highly + amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the ale-houses + where we halted, yet we found it equally necessary to pay on our + departure; but that gave us no concern, as we never thought of depending + on it entirely until our money should be expended. An accident spared us + that trouble, our fountain was broken near Bramant, and in good time, for + we both felt (though without daring to own it to each other) that we began + to be weary of it. This misfortune rendered us gayer than ever; we laughed + heartily at our giddiness in having forgotten that our clothes and shoes + would wear out, or trusting to renew them by the play of our fountain. We + continued our journey as merrily as we had begun it, only drawing faster + towards that termination where our drained purses made it necessary for us + to arrive. + </p> + <p> + At Chambery I became pensive; not for the folly I had committed, for never + did any one think less of the past, but on account of the reception I + should meet with from Madam de Warens; for I looked on her house as my + paternal home. I had written her an account of my reception at the Count + de Gauvon’s; she knew my expectancies, and, in congratulating me on my + good fortune, had added some wise lessons on the return I ought to make + for the kindness with which they treated me. She looked on my fortune as + already made, if not destroyed by my own negligence; what then would she + say on my arrival? for it never entered my mind that she might shut the + door against me, but I dreaded the uneasiness I might give her; I dreaded + her reproaches, to me more wounding than want; I resolved to bear all in + silence, and, if possible to appease her. I now saw nothing but Madam de + Warens in the whole universe, and to live in disgrace with her was + impossible. + </p> + <p> + I was most concerned about my companion, whom I did not wish to offend, + and feared I should not easily get rid of. I prefaced this separation by + an affected coldness during the last day’s journey. The drole understood + me perfectly; in fact, he was rather giddy than deficient in point of + sense—I expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy, but I + was quite mistaken; nothing affected my friend Bacle, for hardly had we + set foot in town, on our arrival in Annecy, before he said, “You are now + at home,”—embraced—bade me adieu—turned on his heel, and + disappeared; nor have I ever heard of him since. + </p> + <p> + How did my heart beat as I approached the habitation of Madam de Warens! + my legs trembled under me, my eyes were clouded with a mist, I neither + saw, heard, nor recollected any one, and was obliged frequently to stop + that I might draw breath, and recall my bewildered senses. Was it fear of + not obtaining that succor I stood in need of, which agitated me to this + degree? At the age I then was, does the fear of perishing with hunger give + such alarms? No: I declare with as much truth as pride, that it was not in + the power of interest or indigence, at any period of my life, to expand or + contract my heart. In the course of a painful life, memorable for its + vicissitudes, frequently destitute of an asylum, and without bread, I have + contemplated, with equal indifference, both opulence and misery. In want I + might have begged or stolen, as others have done, but never could feel + distress at being reduced to such necessities. Few men have grieved more + than myself, few have shed so many tears; yet never did poverty, or the + fear of falling into it, make me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids. My + soul, in despite of fortune, has only been sensible of real good and evil, + which did not depend on her; and frequently, when in possession of + everything that could make life pleasing, I have been the most miserable + of mortals. + </p> + <p> + The first glance of Madam de Warens banished all my fears—my heart + leaped at the sound of her voice; I threw myself at her feet, and in + transports of the most lively joy, pressed my lips upon her hand. I am + ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me. I + discovered but little surprise on her countenance, and no sorrow. “Poor + child!” said she, in an affectionate tone, “art thou here again? I knew + you were too young for this journey; I am very glad, however, that it did + not turn out so bad as I apprehended.” She then made me recount my + history; it was not long, and I did it faithfully: suppressing only some + trifling circumstances, but on the whole neither sparing nor excusing + myself. + </p> + <p> + The question was, where I could lodge: she consulted her maid on this + point—I hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation; but when I + heard I was to sleep in the house, I could scarce contain my joy; and saw + the little bundle I brought with me carried into my destined apartment + with much the same sensations as St. Preux saw his chaise put up at Madam + de Wolmar’s. To complete all, I had the satisfaction to find that this + favor was not to be transitory; for at a moment when they thought me + attentive to something else, I heard Madam de Warens say, “They may talk + as they please, but since Providence has sent him back, I am determined + not to abandon him.” + </p> + <p> + Behold me, then, established at her house; not, however, that I date the + happiest days of my life from this period, but this served to prepare me + for them. Though that sensibility of heart, which enables us truly to + enjoy our being, is the work of Nature, and perhaps a mere effect of + organization, yet it requires situations to unfold itself, and without a + certain concurrence of favorable circumstances, a man born with the most + acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been + acquainted with his own temperament. This was my case till that time, and + such perhaps it might have remained had I never known Madam de Warens, or + even having known her, had I not remained with her long enough to contract + that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with which she inspired me. + I dare affirm, that those who only love, do not feel the most charming + sensations we are capable of: I am acquainted with another sentiment, less + impetuous, but a thousand times more delightful; sometimes joined with + love, but frequently separated from it. This feeling is not simply + friendship; it is more enchanting, more tender; nor do I imagine it can + exist between persons of the same sex; at least I have been truly a + friend, if ever a man was, and yet never experienced it in that kind. This + distinction is not sufficiently clear, but will become so hereafter: + sentiments are only distinguishable by their effects. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warens inhabited an old house, but large enough to have a + handsome spare apartment, which she made her drawing-room. I now occupied + this chamber, which was in the passage I have before mentioned as the + place of our first meeting. Beyond the brook and gardens was a prospect of + the country, which was by no means uninteresting to the young inhabitant, + being the first time, since my residence at Bossey, that I had seen + anything before my windows but walls, roofs, or the dirty street. How + pleasing then was this novelty! it helped to increase the tenderness of my + disposition, for I looked on this charming landscape as the gift of my + dear patroness, who I could almost fancy had placed it there on purpose + for me. Peaceably seated, my eyes pursued her amidst the flowers and the + verdure; her charms seemed to me confounded with those of the spring; my + heart, till now contracted, here found means to expand itself, and my + sighs exhaled freely in this charming retreat. + </p> + <p> + The magnificence I had been accustomed to at Turin was not to be found at + Madam de Warens’, but in lieu of it there was neatness, regularity, and a + patriarchal abundance, which is seldom attached to pompous ostentation. + She had very little plate, no china, no game in her kitchen, or foreign + wines in her cellar, but both were well furnished, and at every one’s + service; and her coffee, though served in earthenware cups, was excellent. + Whoever came to her house was invited to dine there, and never did + laborer, messenger, or traveller, depart without refreshment. Her family + consisted of a pretty chambermaid from Fribourg, named Merceret; a valet + from her own country called Claude Anet (of whom I shall speak hereafter), + a cook, and two hired chairmen when she visited, which seldom happened. + This was a great deal to be done out of two thousand livres a year; yet, + with good management, it might have been sufficient in a country where + land is extremely good, and money very scarce. Unfortunately, economy was + never her favorite virtue; she contracted debts—paid them—thus + her money passed from hand to hand like a weaver’s shuttle, and quickly + disappeared. + </p> + <p> + The arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what I should have chosen, + and I shared it with satisfaction. I was least pleased with the necessity + of remaining too long at table. Madam de Warens was so much incommoded + with the first smell of soup or meat, as almost to occasion fainting; from + this she slowly recovered, talking meantime, and never attempting to eat + for the first half hour. I could have dined thrice in the time, and had + ever finished my meal long before she began; I then ate again for company; + and though by this means I usually dined twice, felt no inconvenience from + it. In short, I was perfectly at my ease, and the happier as my situation + required no care. Not being at this time instructed in the state of her + finances, I supposed her means were adequate to her expense; and though I + afterwards found the same abundance, yet when instructed in her real + situation, finding her pension ever anticipated, prevented me from + enjoying the same tranquility. Foresight with me has always embittered + enjoyment; in vain I saw the approach of misfortunes, I was never the more + likely to avoid them. + </p> + <p> + From the first moment of our meeting, the softest familiarity was + established between us: and in the same degree it continued during the + rest of her life. Child was my name, Mamma was hers, and child and mamma + we have ever continued, even after a number of years had almost effaced + the apparent difference of age between us. I think those names convey an + exact idea of our behavior, the simplicity of our manners, and above all, + the similarity of our dispositions. To me she was the tenderest of + mothers, ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure; and if my own + satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her, it was not to + change its nature, but only to render it more exquisite, and infatuate me + with the charm of having a mother young and handsome, whom I was delighted + to caress: I say literally, to caress, for never did it enter into her + imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and endearments, or + into my heart to abuse them. It will be said, at length our connection was + of a different kind: I confess it; but have patience, that will come in + its turn. + </p> + <p> + The sudden sight of her, on our first interview, was the only truly + passionate moment she ever inspired me with; and even that was principally + the work of surprise. With her I had neither transports nor desires, but + remained in a ravishing calm, sensible of a happiness I could not define, + and thus could I have passed my whole life, or even eternity, without + feeling an instant of uneasiness. + </p> + <p> + She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of + conversation, which to me is so painful to endure. Our tete-a-tetes were + rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could only conclude + from interruption. So far from finding discourse difficult, I rather + thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when contemplating her + projects, she sunk into a reverie; when I silently let her meditate, and + gazing on her, was the happiest of men. I had another singular fancy, + which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete, I was + perpetually seeking occasion to form them, enjoying such opportunities + with rapture; and when importunate visitors broke in upon us, no matter + whether it was man or woman, I went out murmuring, not being able to + remain a secondary object in her company; then, counting the minutes in + her antechamber, I used to curse these eternal visitors, thinking it + inconceivable how they could find so much to say, because I had still + more. + </p> + <p> + If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did not see + her. When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my uneasiness + reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her gave me emotions + of tenderness even to tears. Never shall I forget one great holiday, while + she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the city, my heart full of + her image, and the ardent wish to pass my life with her. I could easily + enough see that at present this was impossible; that the happiness I + enjoyed would be of short duration, and this idea gave to my + contemplations a tincture of melancholy, which, however, was not gloomy, + but tempered with a flattering hope. The ringing of bells, which ever + particularly affects me, the singing of birds, the fineness of the day, + the beauty of the landscape, the scattered country houses, among which in + idea I placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me with an impression + so lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I saw myself in ecstasy + transported into that happy time and abode, where my heart, possessing all + the felicity it could desire, might taste it with raptures inexpressible. + </p> + <p> + I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions + as at that time; and what has particularly struck me in the recollection + of this reverie, is that when realized, I found my situation exactly as I + had imagined it. If ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic + vision, it was assuredly this; I was only deceived in its imaginary + duration, for days, years, and life itself, passed ideally in perfect + tranquility, while the reality lasted but a moment. Alas! my most durable + happiness was but as a dream, which I had no sooner had a glimpse of, than + I instantly awoke. + </p> + <p> + I know not when I should have done, if I was to enter into a detail of all + the follies that affection for my dear Madam de Warens made me commit. + When absent from her, how often have I kissed the bed on a supposition + that she had slept there; the curtains and all the furniture of my + chamber, on recollecting they were hers, and that her charming hands had + touched them; nay, the floor itself, when I considered she had walked + there. Sometimes even in her presence, extravagancies escaped me, which + only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring; in a word, + there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an absolute + lover, and that particular renders my situation almost inconceivable. + </p> + <p> + I had returned from Italy, not absolutely as I went there, but as no one + of my age, perhaps, ever did before, being equally unacquainted with + women. My ardent constitution had found resources in those means by which + youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the expense of + health, vigor, and frequently of life itself. My local situation should + likewise be considered—living with a pretty woman, cherishing her + image in the bottom of my heart, seeing her during the whole day, at night + surrounded with objects that recalled her incessantly to my remembrance, + and sleeping in the bed where I knew she had slept. What a situation! Who + can read this without supposing me on the brink of the grave? But quite + the contrary; that which might have ruined me, acted as a preservative, at + least for a time. Intoxicated with the charm of living with her, with the + ardent desire of passing my life there, absent or present I saw in her a + tender mother, an amiable sister, a respected friend, but nothing more; + meantime, her image filled my heart, and left room far no other object. + The extreme tenderness with which she inspired me excluded every other + woman from my consideration, and preserved me from the whole sex: in a + word, I was virtuous, because I loved her. Let these particulars, which I + recount but indifferently, be considered, and then let any one judge what + kind of attachment I had for her: for my part, all I can say, is, that if + it hitherto appears extraordinary, it will appear much more so in the + sequel. + </p> + <p> + My time passed in the most agreeable manner, though occupied in a way + which was by no means calculated to please me; such as having projects to + digest, bills to write fair, receipts to transcribe, herbs to pick, drugs + to pound, or distillations to attend; and in the midst of all this, came + crowds of travellers, beggars, and visitors of all denominations. Some + times it was necessary to converse at the same time with a soldier, an + apothecary, a prebendary, a fine lady, and a lay brother. I grumbled, + swore, and wished all this troublesome medley at the devil, while she + seemed to enjoy it, laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her + cheeks. What excited her mirth still more, was to see that my anger was + increased by not being able myself to refrain from laughter. These little + intervals, in which I enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling, were charming; + and if, during the dispute, another importunate visitor arrived, she would + add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging the visit, meantime casting + glances at me for which I could almost have beat her; nor could she + without difficulty refrain from laughter on seeing my constrained + politeness, though every moment glancing at her the look of a fury, while, + even in spite of myself, I thought the scene truly diverting. + </p> + <p> + All this, without being pleasing in itself, contributed to amuse, because + it made up a part of a life which I thought delightful. Nothing that was + performed around me, nothing that I was obliged to do, suited my taste, + but everything suited my heart; and I believe, at length, I should have + liked the study of medicine, had not my natural distaste to it perpetually + engaged us in whimsical scenes, that prevented my thinking of it in a + serious light. It was, perhaps, the first time that this art produced + mirth. I pretended to distinguish a physical book by its smell, and what + was more diverting, was seldom mistaken. Madam de Warens made me taste the + most nauseous drugs; in vain I ran, or endeavored to defend myself; spite + of resistance or wry faces, spite of my struggles, or even of my teeth, + when I saw her charming fingers approach my lips, I was obliged to give up + the contest. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0098.jpg" alt="0098 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0098.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + When shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus, any one who + had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather + have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or + elixirs. + </p> + <p> + My time, however, was not entirely passed in these fooleries; in the + apartment which I occupied I found a few books: there was the Spectator, + Puffendorf, St. Everemond, and the Henriade. Though I had not my old + passion for books, yet I amused myself with reading a part of them. The + Spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me. The Abbe de + Gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly, and with a greater degree of + attention, which rendered my studies more serviceable. I accustomed myself + to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition; exercising myself + in discerning pure French from my provincial idiom. For example, I + corrected an orthographical fault (which I had in common with all + Genevese) by these two lines of the Henriade: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Soit qu’ un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres, + Parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres +</pre> + <p> + I was struck with the word ‘parlat’, and found a ‘t’ was necessary to form + the third person of the subjunctive, whereas I had always written and + pronounced it parla, as in the present of the indicative. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with Madam de + Warens; sometimes I read to her, in which I found great satisfaction; and + as I endeavored to read well, it was extremely serviceable to me. I have + already observed that her mind was cultivated; her understanding was at + this time in its meridian. Several people of learning having been + assiduous to ingratiate themselves, had taught her to distinguish works of + merit; but her taste (if I may so express myself) was rather Protestant; + ever speaking warmly of Bayle, and highly esteeming St. Evremond, though + long since almost forgotten in France: but this did not prevent her having + a taste for literature, or expressing her thoughts with elegance. She had + been brought up with polite company, and coming young to Savoy, by + associating with people of the best fashion, had lost the affected manners + of her own country, where the ladies mistake wit for sense, and only speak + in epigram. + </p> + <p> + Though she had seen the court but superficially, that glance was + sufficient to give her a competent idea of it; and notwithstanding secret + jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in debt, she + ever preserved friends there, and never lost her pension. She knew the + world, and was useful. This was her favorite theme in our conversations, + and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas, though the kind of + instruction I particularly had occasion for. We read Bruyere together; he + pleased her more than Rochefoucault, who is a dull, melancholy author, + particularly to youth, who are not fond of contemplating man as he really + is. In moralizing she sometimes bewildered herself by the length of her + discourse; but by kissing her lips or hand from time to time I was easily + consoled, and never found them wearisome. + </p> + <p> + This life was too delightful to be lasting; I felt this, and the + uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my + enjoyment. Even in playfulness she studied my disposition, observed and + interrogated me, forming projects for my future fortune, which I could + readily have dispensed with. Happily it was not sufficient to know my + disposition, inclinations and talents; it was likewise necessary to find a + situation in which they would be useful, and this was not the work of a + day. Even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my + merit put off the time of calling it into action, by rendering her more + difficult in the choice of means; thus (thanks to the good opinion she + entertained of me), everything answered to my wish; but a change soon + happened which put a period to my tranquility. + </p> + <p> + A relation of Madam de Warens, named M. d’Aubonne, came to see her; a man + of great understanding and intrigue, being, like her, fond of projects, + though careful not to ruin himself by them. He had offered Cardinal Fleury + a very compact plan for a lottery, which, however, had not been approved + of, and he was now going to propose it to the court of Turin, where it was + accepted and put into execution. He remained some time at Annecy, where he + fell in love with the Intendant’s lady, who was very amiable, much to my + taste and the only person I saw with pleasure at the house of Madam de + Warens. M. d’Aubonne saw me, I was strongly recommended by his relation; + he promised, therefore, to question and see what I was fit for, and, if he + found me capable, to seek me a situation. Madam de Warens sent me to him + two or three mornings, under pretense of messages, without acquainting me + with her real intention. He spoke to me gayly, on various subjects, + without any appearance of observation; his familiarity presently set me + talking, which by his cheerful and jesting manner he encouraged without + restraint—I was absolutely charmed with him. The result of his + observations was, that notwithstanding the animation of my countenance, + and promising exterior, if not absolutely silly, I was a lad of very + little sense, and without ideas of learning; in fine, very ignorant in all + respects, and if I could arrive at being curate of some village, it was + the utmost honor I ought ever to aspire to. Such was the account he gave + of me to Madam de Warens. This was not the first time such an opinion had + been formed of me, neither was it the last; the judgment of M. Masseron + having been repeatedly confirmed. + </p> + <p> + The cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not to + need a particular explanation; for it will not be supposed that I can in + conscience subscribe to them; and with all possible impartiality, whatever + M. Masseron, M. d’Aubonne and many others may have said, I cannot help + thinking them mistaken. + </p> + <p> + Two things very opposite, unite in me, and in a manner which I cannot + myself conceive. My disposition is extremely ardent, my passions lively + and impetuous, yet my ideas are produced slowly, with great embarrassment + and after much afterthought. It might be said my heart and understanding + do not belong to the same individual. A sentiment takes possession of my + soul with the rapidity of lightning, but instead of illuminating, it + dazzles and confounds me; I feel all, but see nothing; I am warm, but + stupid; to think I must be cool. What is astonishing, my conception is + clear and penetrating, if not hurried: I can make excellent impromptus at + leisure, but on the instant, could never say or do anything worth notice. + I could hold a tolerable conversation by the post, as they say the + Spaniards play at chess, and when I read that anecdote of a duke of Savoy, + who turned himself round, while on a journey, to cry out ‘a votre gorge, + marchand de Paris!’ I said, “Here is a trait of my character!” + </p> + <p> + This slowness of thought, joined to vivacity of feeling, I am not only + sensible of in conversation, but even alone. When I write, my ideas are + arranged with the utmost difficulty. They glance on my imagination and + ferment till they discompose, heat, and bring on a palpitation; during + this state of agitation, I see nothing properly, cannot write a single + word, and must wait till it is over. Insensibly the agitation subsides, + the chaos acquires form, and each circumstance takes its proper place. + Have you never seen an opera in Italy? where during the change of scene + everything is in confusion, the decorations are intermingled, and any one + would suppose that all would be overthrown; yet by little and little, + everything is arranged, nothing appears wanting, and we feel surprised to + see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle. This is a + resemblance of what passes in my brain when I attempt to write; had I + always waited till that confusion was past, and then painted, in their + natural beauties, the objects that had presented themselves, few authors + would have surpassed me. + </p> + <p> + Thence arises the extreme difficulty I find in writing; my manuscripts, + blotted, scratched, and scarcely legible, attest the trouble they cost me; + nor is there one of them but I have been obliged to transcribe four or + five times before it went to press. Never could I do anything when placed + at a table, pen in hand; it must be walking among the rocks, or in the + woods; it is at night in my bed, during my wakeful hours, that I compose; + it may be judged how slowly, particularly for a man who has not the + advantage of verbal memory, and never in his life could retain by heart + six verses. Some of my periods I have turned and returned in my head five + or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper: thus it is that I + succeed better in works that require laborious attention, than those that + appear more trivial, such as letters, in which I could never succeed, and + being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment; nor can I + express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it costing me + hours of fatigue. If I write immediately what strikes me, my letter is a + long, confused, unconnected string of expressions, which, when read, can + hardly be understood. + </p> + <p> + It is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to + receive them. I have studied mankind, and think myself a tolerable + observer, yet I know nothing from what I see, but all from what I + remember, nor have I understanding except in my recollections. From all + that is said, from all that passes in my presence, I feel nothing, + conceive nothing, the exterior sign being all that strikes me; afterwards + it returns to my remembrance; I recollect the place, the time, the manner, + the look, and gesture, not a circumstance escapes me; it is then, from + what has been done or said, that I imagine what has been thought, and I + have rarely found myself mistaken. + </p> + <p> + So little master of my understanding when alone, let any one judge what I + must be in conversation, where to speak with any degree of ease you must + think of a thousand things at the same time: the bare idea that I should + forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me. Nor can I + comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in large + companies, where each word must pass in review before so many, and where + it would be requisite to know their several characters and histories to + avoid saying what might give offence. In this particular, those who + frequent the world would have a great advantage, as they know better where + to be silent, and can speak with greater confidence; yet even they + sometimes let fall absurdities; in what predicament then must he be who + drops as it were from the clouds? It is almost impossible he should speak + ten minutes with impunity. + </p> + <p> + In a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience; that is; the + necessity of talking perpetually, at least, the necessity of answering + when spoken to, and keeping up the conversation when the other is silent. + This insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me with + variety, for I cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being obliged + to speak continually without time for recollection. I know not whether it + proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint; but if I am obliged to + speak, I infallibly talk nonsense. What is still worse, instead of + learning how to be silent when I have absolutely nothing to say, it is + generally at such times that I have a violent inclination: and endeavoring + to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible, I hastily gabble a + number of words without ideas, happy when they only chance to mean + nothing; thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my incapacity, I rarely fail + to show it. + </p> + <p> + I think I have said enough to show that, though not a fool, I have + frequently passed for one, even among people capable of judging; this was + the more vexatious, as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise, and + expectation being frustrated, my stupidity appeared the more shocking. + This detail, which a particular occasion gave birth to, will not be + useless in the sequel, being a key to many of my actions which might + otherwise appear unaccountable; and have been attributed to a savage humor + I do not possess. I love society as much as any man, was I not certain to + exhibit myself in it, not only disadvantageously, but totally different + from what I really am. The plan I have adopted of writing and retirement, + is what exactly suits me. Had I been present, my worth would never have + been known, no one would even have suspected it; thus it was with Madam + Dupin, a woman of sense, in whose house I lived for several years; indeed, + she has often since owned it to me: though on the whole this rule may be + subject to some exceptions. I shall now return to my history. + </p> + <p> + The estimate of my talents thus fixed, the situation I was capable of + promised, the question only remained how to render me capable of + fulfilling my destined vocation. The principle difficulty was, I did not + know Latin enough for a priest. Madam de Warens determined to have me + taught for some time at the seminary, and accordingly spoke of it to the + Superior, who was a Lazarist, called M. Gras, a good-natured little + fellow, half blind, meagre, gray-haired, insensible, and the least + pedantic of any Lazarist I ever knew; which, in fact, is saying no great + matter. + </p> + <p> + He frequently visited Madam de Warens, who entertained, caressed, and made + much of him, letting him sometimes lace her stays, an office he was + willing enough to perform. While thus employed, she would run about the + room, this way or that, as occasion happened to call her. Drawn by the + lace, Monsieur the Superior followed, grumbling, repeating at every + moment, “Pray, madam, do stand still;” the whole forming a scene truly + diverting. + </p> + <p> + M. Gras willingly assented to the project of Madam de Warens, and, for a + very moderate pension, charged himself with the care of instructing me. + The consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary, who not only + granted it, but offered to pay the pension, permitting me to retain the + secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they might + have in my improvement. + </p> + <p> + What a change! but I was obliged to submit; though I went to the seminary + with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to execution. + What a melancholy abode! especially for one who left the house of a pretty + woman. I carried one book with me, that I had borrowed of Madam de Warens, + and found it a capital resource! it will not be easily conjectured what + kind of book this was—it was a music book. Among the talents she had + cultivated, music was not forgotten; she had a tolerable good voice, sang + agreeably, and played on the harpsichord. She had taken the pains to give + me some lessons in singing, though before I was very uninformed in that + respect, hardly knowing the music of our psalms. Eight or ten interrupted + lessons, far from putting me in a condition to improve myself, did not + teach me half the notes; notwithstanding, I had such a passion for the + art, that I determined to exercise myself alone. The book I took was not + of the most easy kind; it was the cantatas of Clerambault. It may be + conceived with what attention and perseverance I studied, when I inform my + reader, that without knowing anything of transposition or quantity, I + contrived to sing with tolerable correctness, the first recitative and air + in the cantata of Alpheus and Arethusa; it is true this air is, so justly + set, that it is only necessary to recite the verses in their just measure + to catch the music. + </p> + <p> + There was at the seminary a curst Lazarist, who by undertaking to teach me + Latin made me detest it. His hair was coarse, black and greasy, his face + like those formed in gingerbread, he had the voice of a buffalo, the + countenance of an owl, and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a beard; his + smile was sardonic, and his limbs played like those of a puppet moved by + wires. I have forgotten his odious name, but the remembrance of his + frightful precise countenance remains with me, though hardly can I + recollect it without trembling; especially when I call to mind our meeting + in the gallery, when he graciously advanced his filthy square cap as a + sign for me to enter his apartment, which appeared more dismal in my + apprehension than a dungeon. Let any one judge the contrast between my + present master and the elegant Abbe de Gauvon. + </p> + <p> + Had I remained two months at the mercy of this monster, I am certain my + head could not have sustained it; but the good M. Gras, perceiving I was + melancholy, grew thin, and did not eat my victuals, guessed the cause of + my uneasiness (which indeed was not very difficult) and taking me from the + claws of this beast, by another yet more striking contrast, placed me with + the gentlest of men, a young Faucigneran abbe, named M. Gatier, who + studied at the seminary, and out of complaisance for M. Gras, and humanity + to myself, spared some time from the prosecution of his own studies in + order to direct mine. Never did I see a more pleasing countenance than + that of M. Gatier. He was fair complexioned, his beard rather inclined to + red; his behavior like that of the generality of his countrymen (who under + a coarseness of countenance conceal much understanding), marked in him a + truly sensible and affectionate soul. In his large blue eyes there was a + mixture of softness, tenderness, and melancholy, which made it impossible + to see him without feeling one’s self interested. From the looks and + manner of this young abbe he might have been supposed to have foreseen his + destiny, and that he was born to be unhappy. + </p> + <p> + His disposition did not belie his physiognomy: full of patience and + complaisance, he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me. So + much was not necessary to make me love him, his predecessor having + rendered that very easy; yet, notwithstanding all the time he bestowed on + me, notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations, and that his plan of + teaching was excellent, with much labor, I made little progress. It is + very singular, that with a clear conception I could never learn much from + masters except my father and M. Lambercier; the little I know besides I + have learned alone, as will be seen hereafter. My spirit, impatient of + every species of constraint, cannot submit to the law of the moment; even + the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive, and a dread of + wearying those who teach, makes me feign to understand them; thus they + proceed faster than I can comprehend, and the conclusion is I learn + nothing. My understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to that + of another. + </p> + <p> + The time of ordination being arrived, M. Gatier returned to his province + as deacon, leaving me with gratitude, attachment, and sorrow for his loss. + The vows I made for him were no more answered than those I offered for + myself. Some years after, I learned, that being vicar of a parish, a young + girl was with child by him, being the only one (though he possessed a very + tender heart) with whom he was ever in love. This was a dreadful scandal + in a diocese severely governed, where the priests (being under good + regulation) ought never to have children—except by married women. + Having infringed this politic law, he was put in prison, defamed, and + driven from his benefice. I know not whether it was ever after in his + power to reestablish his affairs; but the remembrance of his misfortunes, + which were deeply engraven on my heart, struck me when I wrote Emilius, + and uniting M. Gatier with M. Gaime, I formed from these two worthy + priests the character of the Savoyard Vicar, and flatter myself the + imitation has not dishonored the originals. + </p> + <p> + While I was at the seminary, M. d’Aubonne was obliged to quit Annecy, + Moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife, which was acting + like a dog in the manger, for though Madam Moultou was extremely amiable, + he lived very ill with her, treating her with such brutality that a + separation was talked of. Moultou, by repeated oppressions, at length + procured a dismissal from his employment: he was a disagreeable man; a + mole could not be blacker, nor an owl more knavish. It is said the + provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs; M. d’Aubonne + revenged himself on his by a comedy, which he sent to Madam de Warens, who + showed it to me. I was pleased with it, and immediately conceived the idea + of writing one, to try whether I was so silly as the author had pronounced + me. This project was not executed till I went to Chambery, where I wrote + ‘The Lover of Himself’. Thus when I said in the preface to that piece, “it + was written at eighteen,” I cut off a few years. + </p> + <p> + Nearly about this time an event happened, not very important in itself, + but whose consequence affected me, and made a noise in the world when I + had forgotten it. Once a week I was permitted to go out; it is not + necessary to say what use I made of this liberty. Being one Sunday at + Madam de Warens, a building belonging to the Cordeliers, which joined her + house, took fire; this building which contained their oven, being full of + dry fagots, blazed violently and greatly endangered the house; for the + wind happening to drive the flames that way, it was covered with them. The + furniture, therefore, was hastily got out and carried into the garden + which fronted the windows, on the other side the before-mentioned brook. I + was so alarmed that I threw indiscriminately everything that came to hand + out of the window, even to a large stone mortar, which at another time I + should have found it difficult to remove, and should have thrown a + handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me. The good + bishop, who that day was visiting Madam de Warens, did not remain idle; he + took her into the garden, where they went to prayers with the rest that + were assembled there, and where sometime afterwards, I found them on their + knees, and presently joined them. While the good man was at his devotions, + the wind changed, so suddenly and critically, that the flames which had + covered the house and began to enter the windows, were carried to the + other side of the court, and the house received no damage. Two years + after, Monsieur de Berner being dead, the Antoines, his former brethren, + began to collect anecdotes which might serve as arguments of his + beatification; at the desire of Father Baudet, I joined to these an + attestation of what I have just related, in doing which, though I attested + no more than the truth, I certainly acted ill, as it tended to make an + indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle. I had seen the bishop in + prayer, and had likewise seen the wind change during the prayer, and even + much to the purpose, all this I could certify truly; but that one of these + facts was the cause of the other, I ought not to have attested, because it + is what I could not possibly be assured of. Thus much I may say, that as + far as I can recollect what my ideas were at that time, I was sincerely, + and in good earnest a Catholic. Love of the marvellous is natural to the + human heart; my veneration for the virtuous prelate, and secret pride in + having, perhaps, contributed to the event in question, all helped to + seduce me; and certainly, if this miracle was the effect of ardent prayer, + I had a right to claim a share of the merits. + </p> + <p> + More than thirty years after, when I published the ‘Lettres de la + Montagne’, M. Feron (I know not by what means) discovered this + attestation, and made use of it in his paper. I must confess the discovery + was very critically timed, and appeared very diverting, even to me. + </p> + <p> + I was destined to be the outcast of every condition; for notwithstanding + M. Gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my studies, + they plainly saw the improvement I received bore no proportion to the + pains taken to instruct me, which was no encouragement to continue them: + the bishop and superior, therefore, were disheartened, and I was sent back + to Madam de Warens, as a subject not even fit to make a priest of; but as + they allowed, at the same time, that I was a tolerably good lad, and far + from being vicious, this account counterbalanced the former, and + determined her not to abandon me. + </p> + <p> + I carried back in triumph the dear music book, which had been so useful to + me, the air of Alpheus and Arethusa being almost all I had learned at the + seminary. My predilection for this art started the idea of making a + musician of me. A convenient opportunity offered; once a week, at least, + she had a concert at her house, and the music-master from the cathedral, + who directed this little band, came frequently to see her. This was a + Parisian, named M. le Maitre, a good composer, very lively, gay, young, + well made, of little understanding, but, upon the whole, a good sort of + man. Madam de Warens made us acquainted; I attached myself to him, and he + seemed not displeased with me. A pension was talked of, and agreed on; in + short, I went home with him, and passed the winter the more agreeably at + his chambers, as they were not above twenty paces distant from Madam de + Warens’, where we frequently supped together. It may easily be supposed + that this situation, ever gay, and singing with the musicians and children + of the choir, was more pleasing to me than the seminary and fathers of St. + Lazarus. This life, though free, was regular; here I learned to prize + independence, but never to abuse it. For six whole months I never once + went out except to see Madam de Warens, or to church, nor had I any + inclination to it. This interval is one of those in which I enjoyed the + greatest satisfaction, and which I have ever recollected with pleasure. + Among the various situations I have been placed in, some were marked with + such an idea of virtuous satisfaction, that the bare remembrance affects + me as if they were yet present. I vividly recollect the time, the place, + the persons, and even the temperature of the air, while the lively idea of + a certain local impression peculiar to those times, transports me back + again to the very spot; for example, all that was repeated at our + meetings, all that was sung in the choir, everything that passed there; + the beautiful and noble habits of the canons, the chasubles of the + priests, the mitres of the singers, the persons of the musicians; an old + lame carpenter who played the counter-bass, a little fair abbe who + performed on the violin, the ragged cassock which M. le Maitre, after + taking off his sword, used to put over his secular habit, and the fine + surplice with which he covered the rags of the former, when he went to the + choir; the pride with which I held my little flute to my lips, and seated + myself in the orchestra, to assist in a recitative which M. le Maitre had + composed on purpose for me; the good dinner that afterwards awaited us, + and the good appetites we carried to it. This concourse of objects, + strongly retraced in my memory, has charmed me a hundred time as much, or + perhaps more, than ever the reality had done. I have always preserved an + affection for a certain air of the ‘Conditor alme Syderum’, because one + Sunday in Advent I heard that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral, + (according to the custom of that place) as I lay in bed before daybreak. + Mademoiselle Merceret, Madam de Warens’ chambermaid, knew something of + music; I shall never forget a little piece that M. le Maitre made me sing + with her, and which her mistress listened to with great satisfaction. In a + word, every particular, even down to the servant Perrine, whom the boys of + the choir took such delight in teasing. The remembrance of these times of + happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind, both ravish and + affect me. + </p> + <p> + I lived at Annecy during a year without the least reproach, giving + universal satisfaction. Since my departure from Turin I had been guilty of + no folly, committed none while under the eye of Madam de Warens. She was + my conductor, and ever led me right; my attachment for her became my only + passion, and what proves it was not a giddy one, my heart and + understanding were in unison. It is true that a single sentiment, + absorbing all my faculties, put me out of a capacity of learning even + music: but this was not my fault, since to the strongest inclination, I + added the utmost assiduity. I was attentive and thoughtful; what could I + do? Nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me; meantime, + it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion the + commission of new follies: that subject presented itself, chance arranged + it, and (as will be seen hereafter) my inconsiderate head gave in to it. + </p> + <p> + One evening, in the month of February, when it was very cold, being all + sat round the fire, we heard some one knock at the street door. Perrine + took a light, went down and opened it: a young man entering, came + upstairs, presented himself with an easy air, and making M. Maitre a + short, but well-turned compliment, announced himself as a French musician, + constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty. The heart + of the good Le Maitre leaped at the name of a French musician, for he + passionately loved both his country and profession; he therefore offered + the young traveller his service—and use of his apartment, which he + appeared to stand much in need of, and which he accepted without much + ceremony. I observed him while he was chatting and warming himself before + supper; he was short and thick, having some fault in his shape, though + without any particular deformity; he had (if I may so express myself) an + appearance of being hunchbacked, with flat shoulders, and I think he + limped. He wore a black coat, rather worn than old, which hung in tatters, + a very fine but dirty shirt, frayed ruffles; a pair of splatterdashes so + large that he could have put both legs into either of them, and, to secure + himself from the snow, a little hat, only fit to be carried under his arm. + With this whimsical equipage, he had, however, something elegant in his + manners and conversation; his countenance was expressive and agreeable, + and he spoke with facility if not with modesty; in short, everything about + him bore the mark of a young debauchee, who did not crave assistance like + a beggar, but as a thoughtless madcap. He told us his name was Venture de + Villeneuve, that he came from Paris, had lost his way, and seeming to + forget that he had announced himself for a musician, added that he was + going to Grenoble to see a relation that was a member of Parliament. + </p> + <p> + During supper we talked of music, on which subject he spoke well: he knew + all the great virtuosi, all the celebrated works, all the actors, + actresses, pretty women, and powerful lords; in short nothing was + mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with. Though no sooner + was any topic started, than by some drollery, which set every one + a-laughing, he made them forget what had been said. This was on a + Saturday; the next day there was to be music at the cathedral: M. le + Maitre asked if he would sing there—“Very willingly.”—“What + part would he chose?”—“The counter-tenor:” and immediately began + speaking of other things. Before he went to church they offered him his + part to peruse, but he did not even look at it. This Gasconade surprised + Le Maitre—“You’ll see,” said he, whispering to me, “that he does not + know a single note.”—I replied: “I am very much afraid of him.” I + followed them into the church; but was extremely uneasy, and when they + began, my heart beat violently, so much was I interested in his behalf. + </p> + <p> + I was presently out of pain: he sung his two recitatives with all + imaginable taste and judgment; and what was yet more, with a very + agreeable voice. I never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise. After mass, M. + Venture received the highest compliments from the canons and musicians, + which he answered jokingly, though with great grace. M. le Maitre embraced + him heartily; I did the same; he saw I was rejoiced at his success, and + appeared pleased at my satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + It will easily be surmised, that after having been delighted with M. + Bacle, who had little to attract my admiration, I should be infatuated + with M. Venture, who had education, wit, talents, and a knowledge of the + world, and might be called an agreeable rake. This was exactly what + happened, and would, I believe, have happened to any other young man in my + place; especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to + distinguish merit, and more propensity to be engaged by it; for Venture + doubtless possessed a considerable share, and one in particular, very rare + at his age, namely, that of never being in haste to display his talents. + It is true, he boasted of many things he did not understand, but of those + he knew (which were very numerous) he said nothing, patiently waiting some + occasion to display them, which he then did with ease, though without + forwardness, and thus gave them more effect. As there was ever some + intermission between the proofs of his various abilities, it was + impossible to conjecture whether he had ever discovered all his talents. + Playful, giddy, inexhaustible, seducing in conversation, ever smiling, but + never laughing, and repeating the rudest things in the most elegant manner—even + the most modest women were astonished at what they endured from him: it + was in vain for them to determine to be angry; they could not assume the + appearance of it. It was extraordinary that with so many agreeable + talents, in a country where they are so well understood, and so much + admired, he so long remained only a musician. + </p> + <p> + My attachment to M. Venture, more reasonable in its cause, was also less + extravagant in its effects, though more lively and durable than that I had + conceived for M. Bacle. I loved to see him, to hear him, all his actions + appeared charming, everything he said was an oracle to me, but the + enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting him. I + spoke of him with transport to Madam de Warens, Le Maitre likewise spoke + in his praise, and she consented we should bring him to her house. This + interview did not succeed; he thought her affected, she found him a + libertine, and, alarmed that I had formed such an ill acquaintance, not + only forbade me bringing him there again, but likewise painted so strongly + the danger I ran with this young man, that I became a little more + circumspect in giving in to the attachment; and very happily, both for my + manners and wits, we were soon separated. + </p> + <p> + M. le Maitre, like most of his profession, loved good wine; at table he + was moderate, but when busy in his closet he must drink. His maid was so + well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper + to compose, and taken his violoncello, than the bottle and glass arrived, + and was replenished from time to time: thus, without being ever absolutely + intoxicated, he was usually in a state of elevation. This was really + unfortunate, for he had a good heart, and was so playful that Madam de + Warens used to call him the kitten. Unhappily, he loved his profession, + labored much and drank proportionately, which injured his health, and at + length soured his temper. Sometimes he was gloomy and easily offended, + though incapable of rudeness, or giving offence to any one, for never did + he utter a harsh word, even to the boys of the choir: on the other hand, + he would not suffer another to offend him, which was but just: the + misfortune was, having little understanding, he did not properly + discriminate, and was often angry without cause. + </p> + <p> + The Chapter of Geneva, where so many princes and bishops formerly thought + it an honor to be seated, though in exile it lost its ancient splendor, + retained (without any diminution) its pride. To be admitted, you must + either be a gentleman or Doctor of Sorbonne. If there is a pardonable + pride, after that derived from personal merit, it is doubtless that + arising from birth, though, in general, priests having laymen in their + service treat them with sufficient haughtiness, and thus the canons + behaved to poor Le Maitre. The chanter, in particular, who was called the + Abbe de Vidonne, in other respects a well-behaved man, but too full of his + nobility, did not always show him the attention his talents merited. M. le + Maitre could not bear these indignities patiently; and this year, during + passion week, they had a more serious dispute than ordinary. At an + institution dinner that the bishop gave the canons, and to which M. Maitre + was always invited, the abbe failed in some formality, adding, at the same + time, some harsh words, which the other could not digest; he instantly + formed the resolution to quit them the following night; nor could any + consideration make him give up his design, though Madam de Warens (whom he + went to take leave of) spared no pains to appease him. He could not + relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants embarrassed for the Easter + feast, at which time he knew they stood in greatest need of him. He was + most concerned about his music, which he wished to take with him; but this + could not easily be accomplished, as it filled a large case, and was very + heavy, and could not be carried under the arm. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warens did what I should have done in her situation; and indeed, + what I should yet do: after many useless efforts to retain him, seeing he + was resolved to depart, whatever might be the event, she formed the + resolution to give him every possible assistance. I must confess Le Maitre + deserved it of her, for he was (if I may use the expression) dedicated to + her service, in whatever appertained to either his art or knowledge, and + the readiness with which he obliged gave a double value to his + complaisance: thus she only paid back, on an essential occasion, the many + favors he had been long conferring on her; though I should observe, she + possessed a soul that, to fulfill such duties, had no occasion to be + reminded of previous obligations. Accordingly she ordered me to follow Le + Maitre to Lyons, and to continue with him as long as he might have + occasion for my services. She has since avowed, that a desire of detaching + me from Venture had a great hand in this arrangement. She consulted Claude + Anet about the conveyance of the above-mentioned case. He advised, that + instead of hiring a beast at Annecy, which would infallibly discover us, + it would be better, at night, to take it to some neighboring village, and + there hire an ass to carry it to Seyssel, which being in the French + dominions, we should have nothing to fear. This plan was adopted; we + departed the same night at seven, and Madam de Warens, under pretense of + paying my expenses, increased the purse of poor Le Maitre by an addition + that was very acceptable. Claude Anet, the gardiner, and myself, carried + the case to the first village, then hired an ass, and the same night + reached Seyssel. + </p> + <p> + I think I have already remarked that there are times in which I am so + unlike myself that I might be taken for a man of a direct opposite + disposition; I shall now give an example of this. M. Reydelet, curate of + Seyssel, was canon of St. Peter’s, consequently known to M. le Maitre, and + one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to conceal + himself; my advice, on the contrary, was to present ourselves to him, and, + under some pretext, entreat entertainment as if we visited him by consent + of the chapter. Le Maitre adopted the idea, which seemed to give his + revenge the appearance of satire and waggery; in short, we went boldly to + Reydelet, who received us very kindly. Le Maitre told him he was going to + Bellay by desire of the bishop, that he might superintend the music during + the Easter holidays, and that he proposed returning that way in a few + days. To support this tale, I told a hundred others, so naturally that M. + Reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth, and treated me with great + friendship and civility. We were well regaled and well lodged: M. Reydelet + scarcely knew how to make enough of us; and we parted the best friends in + the world, with a promise to stop longer on our return. We found it + difficult to refrain from laughter, or wait till we were alone to give + free vent to our mirth: indeed, even now, the bare recollection of it + forces a smile, for never was waggery better or more fortunately + maintained. This would have made us merry during the remainder of our + journey, if M. le Maitre (who did not cease drinking) had not been two or + three times attacked with a complaint that he afterwards became very + subject to, and which resembled an epilepsy. These fits threw me into the + most fearful embarrassments, from which I resolved to extricate myself + with the first opportunity. + </p> + <p> + According to the information given to M. Reydelet, we passed our Easter + holidays at Bellay, and though not expected there, were received by the + music-master, and welcomed by every one with great pleasure. M. le Maitre + was of considerable note in his profession, and, indeed, merited that + distinction. The music-master of Bellay (who was fond of his own works) + endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge; for besides being + a connoisseur, M. le Maitre was equitable, neither a jealous, ill-natured + critic, nor a servile flatterer. He was so superior to the generality of + country music-masters and they were so sensible of it, that they treated + him rather as their chief than a brother musician. + </p> + <p> + Having passed four or five days very agreeably at Bellay, we departed, and + continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents, except those I + have just spoken of, arrived at Lyons, and were lodged at Notre Dame de + Pitie. While we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned case (which + by the assistance of another lie, and the care of our good patron, M. + Reydelet, we had embarked on the Rhone) M. le Maitre went to visit his + acquaintance, and among others Father Cato, a Cordelier, who will be + spoken of hereafter, and the Abbe Dortan, Count of Lyons, both of whom + received him well, but afterwards betrayed him, as will be seen presently; + indeed, his good fortune terminated with M. Reydelet. + </p> + <p> + Two days after our arrival at Lyons, as we passed a little street not far + from our inn, Le Maitre was attacked by one of his fits; but it was now so + violent as to give me the utmost alarm. I screamed with terror, called for + help, and naming our inn, entreated some one to bear him to it, then + (while the people were assembled, and busy round a man that had fallen + senseless in the street) he was abandoned by the only friend on whom he + could have any reasonable dependence; I seized the instant when no one + heeded me, turned the corner of the street and disappeared. Thanks to + Heaven, I have made my third painful confession; if many such remained, I + should certainly abandon the work I have undertaken. + </p> + <p> + Of all the incidents I have yet related, a few traces are remaining in the + places where I have lived; but what I have to relate in the following book + is almost entirely unknown; these are the greatest extravagancies of my + life, and it is happy they had not worse conclusions. My head, (if I may + use the simile) screwed up to the pitch of an instrument it did not + naturally accord with, had lost its diapason; in time it returned to it + again, when I discontinued my follies, or at least gave in to those more + consonant to my disposition. This epoch of my youth I am least able to + recollect, nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence my + heart, to make me clearly retrace the remembrance. In so many successive + changes, it is difficult not to make some transpositions of time or place. + I write absolutely from memory, without notes or materials to help my + recollection. Some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had recently + happened, but there are certain chasms which I cannot fill up but by the + aid of recital, as confused as the remaining traces of those to which they + refer. It is possible, therefore, that I may have erred in trifles, and + perhaps shall again, but in every matter of importance I can answer that + the account is faithfully exact, and with the same veracity the reader may + depend I shall be careful to continue it. + </p> + <p> + My resolution was soon taken after quitting Le Maitre; I set out + immediately for Annecy. The cause and mystery of our departure had + interested me for the security of our retreat: this interest, which + entirely employed my thoughts for some days, had banished every other + idea; but no sooner was I secure and in tranquility, than my predominant + sentiment regained its place. Nothing flattered, nothing tempted me, I had + no wish but to return to Madam de Warens; the tenderness and truth of my + attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable project, and + all the follies of ambition, I conceived no happiness but living near her, + nor could I take a step without feeling that the distance between us was + increased. I returned, therefore, as soon as possible, with such speed, + and with my spirits in such a state of agitation, that though I recall + with pleasure all my other travels, I have not the least recollection of + this, only remembering my leaving Lyons and reaching Annecy. Let anyone + judge whether this last event can have slipped my memory, when informed + that on my arrival I found Madam de Warens was not there, having set out + for Paris. + </p> + <p> + I was never well informed of the motives of this journey. I am certain she + would have told me had I asked her, but never was man less curious to + learn the secrets of his friend. My heart is ever so entirely filled with + the present, or with past pleasures, which become a principal part of my + enjoyment, that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to enter. All + that I conceive from what I heard of it, is, that in the revolution caused + at Turin by the abdication of the King of Sardinia, she feared being + forgotten, and was willing by favor of the intrigues of M. d’ Aubonne to + seek the same advantage in the court of France, where she has often told + me she should have preferred it, as the multiplicity of business there + prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected. If this was her + business, it is astonishing that on her return she was not ill received; + be that as it will, she continued to enjoy her allowance without any + interruption. Many people imagined she was charged with some secret + commission, either by the bishop, who then had business at the court of + France, where he himself was soon after obliged to go, or some one yet + more powerful, who knew how to insure her a gracious reception at her + return. If this was the case, it is certain the ambassadress was not ill + chosen, since being young and handsome, she had all the necessary + qualifications to succeed in a negotiation. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK IV. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>et any one judge + my surprise and grief at not finding her on my arrival. I now felt regret + at having abandoned M. le Maitre, and my uneasiness increased when I + learned the misfortunes that had befallen him. His box of music, + containing all his fortune, that precious box, preserved with so much care + and fatigue, had been seized on at Lyons by means of Count Dortan, who had + received information from the Chapter of our having absconded with it. In + vain did Le Maitre reclaim his property, his means of existence, the labor + of his life; his right to the music in question was at least subject to + litigation, but even that liberty was not allowed him, the affair being + instantly decided on the principal of superior strength. Thus poor Le + Maitre lost the fruit of his talents, the labor of his youth, and + principal dependence for the support of old age. + </p> + <p> + Nothing was wanting to render the news I had received truly afflicting, + but I was at an age when even the greatest calamities are to be sustained; + accordingly I soon found consolation. I expected shortly to hear news of + Madam de Warens, though I was ignorant of the address, and she knew + nothing of my return. As to my desertion of Le Maitre (all things + considered) I did not find it so very culpable. I had been serviceable to + him at his retreat; it was not in my power to give him any further + assistance. Had I remained with him in France it would not have cured his + complaint. I could not have saved his music, and should only have doubled + his expense: in this point of view I then saw my conduct; I see it + otherwise now. It frequently happens that a villainous action does not + torment us at the instant we commit it, but on recollection, and sometimes + even after a number of years have elapsed, for the remembrance of crimes + is not to be extinguished. + </p> + <p> + The only means I had to obtain news of Madam de Warens was to remain at + Annecy. Where should I seek her in Paris? or how bear the expense of such + a journey? Sooner or later there was no place where I could be so certain + to hear of her as that I was now at; this consideration determined me to + remain there, though my conduct was very indifferent. I did not go to the + bishop, who had already befriended me, and might continue to do so; my + patroness was not present, and I feared his reprimands on the subject of + our flight; neither did I go to the seminary, M. Gras was no longer there; + in short, I went to none of my acquaintances. I should gladly have visited + the intendant’s lady, but did not dare; I did worse, I sought out M. + Venture, whom (notwithstanding my enthusiasm) I had never thought of since + my departure. I found him quite gay, in high spirits, and the universal + favorite of the ladies of Annecy. + </p> + <p> + This success completed my infatuation; I saw nothing but M. Venture; he + almost made me forget even Madam de Warens. That I might profit more at + ease by his instructions and example, I proposed to share his lodgings, to + which he readily consented. It was at a shoemaker’s; a pleasant, jovial + fellow, who, in his county dialect, called his wife nothing but trollop; + an appellation which she certainly merited. Venture took care to augment + their differences, though under an appearance of doing the direct + contrary, throwing out in a distant manner, and provincial accents, hints + that produced the utmost effect, and furnished such scenes as were + sufficient to make any one die with laughter. Thus the mornings passed + without our thinking of them; at two or three o’clock we took some + refreshment. Venture then went to his various engagements, where he + supped, while I walked alone, meditating on his great merit, coveting and + admiring his rare talents, and cursing my own unlucky stars, that did not + call me to so happy a life. How little did I then know of myself! mine had + been a thousand times more delightful, had I not been such a fool, or + known better how to enjoy it. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warens had taken no one with her but Anet: Merceret, the + chambermaid, whom I have before mentioned, still remained in the house. + Merceret was something older than myself, not pretty, but tolerably + agreeable; good-natured, free from malice, having no fault to my knowledge + but being a little refractory with her mistress. I often went to see her; + she was an old acquaintance, who recalled to my remembrance one more + beloved, and this made her dear to me. She had several friends, and among + others one Mademoiselle Giraud, a Genevese, who, for the punishment of my + sins, took it in her head to have an inclination for me, always pressing + Merceret, when she returned her visits, to bring me with her. As I liked + Merceret, I felt no disinclination to accompany her; besides I met there + with some young people whose company pleased me. For Mademoiselle Giraud, + who offered every kind of enticement, nothing could increase the aversion + I had for her. When she drew near me, with her dried black snout, smeared + with Spanish snuff, it was with the utmost difficulty that I could refrain + from expressing my distaste; but, being pleased with her visitors, I took + patience. Among these were two girls who (either to pay their court to + Mademoiselle Giraud or myself) paid me every possible attention. I + conceived this to be only friendship; but have since thought it depended + only on myself to have discovered something more, though I did not even + think of it at the time. + </p> + <p> + There was another reason for my stupidity. Seamstresses, chambermaids, or + milliners, never tempted me; I sighed for ladies! Every one has his + peculiar taste, this has ever been mine; being in this particular of a + different opinion from Horace. Yet it is not vanity of riches or rank that + attracts me; it is a well-preserved complexion, fine hands, elegance of + ornaments, an air of delicacy and neatness throughout the whole person; + more in taste, in the manner of expressing themselves, a finer or better + made gown, a well-turned ankle, small foot, ribbons, lace, and + well-dressed hair; I even prefer those who have less natural beauty, + provided they are elegantly decorated. I freely confess this preference is + very ridiculous; yet my heart gives in to it spite of my understanding. + Well, even this advantage presented itself, and it only depended on my own + resolution to have seized the opportunity. + </p> + <p> + How do I love, from time to time, to return to those moments of my youth, + which were so charmingly delightful; so short, so scarce, and enjoyed at + so cheap a rate!—how fondly do I wish to dwell on them! Even yet the + remembrance of these scenes warms my heart with a chaste rapture, which + appears necessary to reanimate my drooping courage, and enable me to + sustain the weariness of my latter days. + </p> + <p> + The appearance of Aurora seemed so delightful one morning that, putting on + my clothes, I hastened into the country, to see the rising of the sun. I + enjoyed that pleasure in its utmost extent; it was one week after + midsummer; the earth was covered with verdure and flowers, the + nightingales, whose soft warblings were almost concluded, seemed to vie + with each other, and in concert with birds of various kinds to bid adieu + to spring, and hail the approach of a beautiful summer’s day: one of those + lovely days that are no longer to be enjoyed at my age, and which have + never been seen on the melancholy soil I now inhabit. + </p> + <p> + I had rambled insensibly, to a considerable distance from the town—the + heat augmented—I was walking in the shade along a valley, by the + side of a brook, I heard behind me the steps of horses, and the voice of + some females who, though they seemed embarrassed, did not laugh the less + heartily on that account. I turn round, hear myself called by name, and + approaching, find two young people of my acquaintance, Mademoiselle de G—— + and Mademoiselle Galley, who, not being very excellent horsewomen, could + not make their horses cross the rivulet. + </p> + <p> + Mademoiselle de G—— was a young lady of Berne, very amiable; + who, having been sent from that country for some youthful folly, had + imitated Madam de Warens, at whose house I had sometimes seen her; but not + having, like her, a pension, she had been fortunate in this attachment to + Mademoiselle Galley, who had prevailed on her mother to engage her young + friend as a companion, till she could be otherwise provided for. + Mademoiselle Galley was one year younger than her friend, handsomer, more + delicate, more ingenious, and to complete all, extremely well made. They + loved each other tenderly, and the good disposition of both could not fail + to render their union durable, if some lover did not derange it. They + informed me they were going to Toune, an old castle belonging to Madam + Galley, and implored my assistance to make their horses cross the stream, + not being able to compass it themselves. I would have given each a cut or + two with the whip, but they feared I might be kicked, and themselves + thrown; I therefore had recourse to another expedient, I took hold of + Mademoiselle Galley’s horse and led him through the brook, the water + reaching half-way up my legs. The other followed without any difficulty. + This done, I would have paid my compliments to the ladies, and walked off + like a great booby as I was, but after whispering each other, Mademoiselle + de G—— said, “No, no, you must not think to escape thus; you + have got wet in our service, and we ought in conscience to take care and + dry you. If you please you must go with us, you are now our prisoner.” My + heart began to beat—I looked at Mademoiselle Galley—“Yes, + yes,” added she, laughing at my fearful look; “our prisoner of war; come, + get up behind her, we shall give a good account of you.”—“But, + mademoiselle,” continued I, “I have not the honor to be acquainted with + your mother; what will she say on my arrival?”—“Her mother,” replied + Mademoiselle de G—— “is not at Toune, we are alone, we shall + return at night, and you shall come back with us.” + </p> + <p> + The stroke of electricity has not a more instantaneous effect than these + words produced on me. Leaping behind Mademoiselle de G——, I + trembled with joy, and when it became necessary to clasp her in order to + hold myself on, my heart beat so violently that she perceived it, and told + me hers beat also from a fear of falling. In my present posture, I might + naturally have considered this an invitation to satisfy myself of the + truth of her assertion, yet I did not dare, and during the whole way my + arm served as a girdle (a very close one, I must confess), without being a + moment displaced. Some women that may read this would be for giving me a + box on the ear, and, truly, I deserved it. + </p> + <p> + The gayety of the journey, and the chat of these girls, so enlivened me, + that during the whole time we passed together we never ceased talking a + moment. They had set me so thoroughly at ease, that my tongue spoke as + fast as my eyes, though not exactly the same things. Some minutes, indeed, + when I was left alone with either, the conversation became a little + embarrassed, but neither of them was absent long enough to allow time for + explaining the cause. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at Toune, and myself well dried, we breakfasted together; after + which it was necessary to settle the important business of preparing + dinner. The young ladies cooked, kissing from time to time the farmer’s + children, while the poor scullion looked on grumbling. Provisions had been + sent for from town, and there was everything necessary for a good dinner, + but unhappily they had forgotten wine; this forgetfulness was by no means + astonishing to girls who seldom drank any, but I was sorry for the + omission, as I had reckoned on its help, thinking it might add to my + confidence. They were sorry likewise, and perhaps from the same motive; + though I have no reason to say this, for their lively and charming gayety + was innocence itself; besides, there were two of them, what could they + expect from me? they went everywhere about the neighborhood to seek for + wine, but none could be procured, so pure and sober are the peasants in + those parts. As they were expressing their concern, I begged them not to + give themselves any uneasiness on my account, for while with them I had no + occasion for wine to intoxicate me. This was the only gallantry I ventured + at during the whole of the day, and I believe the sly rogues saw well + enough that I said nothing but the truth. + </p> + <p> + We dined in the kitchen; the two friends were seated on the benches, one + on each side the long table, and their guest at the end, between them, on + a three—legged stool. What a dinner! how charming the remembrance! + While we can enjoy, at so small an expense, such pure, such true delights, + why should we be solicitous for others? Never did those ‘petite soupes’, + so celebrated in Paris, equal this; I do not only say for real pleasure + and gayety, but even for sensuality. + </p> + <p> + After dinner, we were economical; instead of drinking the coffee we had + reserved at breakfast, we kept it for an afternoon collation, with cream, + and some cake they had brought with them. To keep our appetites in play, + we went into the orchard, meaning to finish our dessert with cherries. I + got into a tree, throwing them down bunches, from which they returned the + stones through the branches. One time, Mademoiselle Galley, holding out + her apron, and drawing back her head, stood so fair, and I took such good + aim, that I dropped a bunch into her bosom. On her laughing, I said to + myself, “Why are not my lips cherries? How gladly would I throw them there + likewise.” + </p> + <p> + Thus the day passed with the greatest freedom, yet with the utmost + decency; not a single equivocal word, not one attempt at double-meaning + pleasantry; yet this delicacy was not affected, we only performed the + parts our hearts dictated; in short, my modesty, some will say my folly, + was such that the greatest familiarity that escaped me was once kissing + the hand of Mademoiselle Galley; it is true, the attending circumstances + helped to stamp a value on this trifling favor; we were alone, I was + embarrassed, her eyes were fixed on the ground, and my lips, instead of + uttering words, were pressed on her hand, which she drew gently back after + the salute, without any appearance of displeasure. I know not what I + should have said to her; but her friend entered, and at that moment I + thought her ugly. + </p> + <p> + At length, they bethought themselves, that they must return to town before + night; even now we had but just time to reach it by daylight; and we + hastened our departure in the same order we came. Had I pleased myself, I + should certainly have reversed this order, for the glance of Mademoiselle + Galley had reached my heart, but I dared not mention it, and the proposal + could not reasonably come from her. On the way, we expressed our sorrow + that the day was over, but far from complaining of the shortness of its + duration, we were conscious of having prolonged it by every possible + amusement. + </p> + <p> + I quitted them in nearly the same spot where I had taken them up. With + what regret did we part! With what pleasure did we form projects to renew + our meeting! Delightful hours, which we passed innocently together, yet + were worth ages of familiarity! The sweet remembrance of those days cost + those amiable girls nothing; the tender union which reigned among us + equalled more lively pleasures, with which it could not have existed. We + loved each other without shame or mystery, and wished to continue our + reciprocal affection. There is a species of enjoyment connected with + innocence of manners which is superior to any other, because it has no + interval; for myself, the remembrance of such a day touches me nearer, + delights me more, and returns with greater rapture to my heart than any + other pleasure I ever tasted. I hardly knew what I wished with those + charming girls. I do not say: that had the arrangement been in my power, I + should have divided my heart between them; I certainly felt some degree of + preference: though I should have been happy to have had Mademoiselle de G——, + for a mistress, I think, by choice, I should have liked her better as a + confidante; be that as it may, I felt on leaving them as though I could + not live without either. Who would have thought that I should never see + them more; and that here our ephemeral amours must end? + </p> + <p> + Those who read this will not fail to laugh at my gallantries, and remark, + that after very promising preliminaries, my most forward adventures + concluded by a kiss of the hand: yet be not mistaken, reader, in your + estimate of my enjoyments; I have, perhaps, tasted more real pleasure in + my amours, which concluded by a kiss of the hand, than you will ever have + in yours, which, at least, begin there. + </p> + <p> + Venture, who had gone to bed late the night before, came in soon after me. + I did not now see him with my usual satisfaction, and took care not to + inform him how I had passed the day. The ladies had spoken of him + slightingly, and appeared discontented at finding me in such bad hands; + this hurt him in my esteem; besides, whatever diverted my ideas from them + was at this time disagreeable. However, he soon brought me back to him and + myself, by speaking of the situation of my affairs, which was too critical + to last; for, though I spent very little, my slender finances were almost + exhausted. I was without resource; no news of Madam de Warens; not knowing + what would become of me, and feeling a cruel pang at heart to see the + friend of Mademoiselle Galley reduced to beggary. + </p> + <p> + I now learned from Venture that he had spoken of me to the Judge Major, + and would take me next day to dine with him; that he was a man who by + means of his friends might render me essential service. In other respects + he was a desirable acquaintance, being a man of wit and letters, of + agreeable conversation, one who possessed talents and loved them in + others. After this discourse (mingling the most serious concerns with the + most trifling frivolity) he showed me a pretty couplet, which came from + Paris, on an air in one of Mouret’s operas, which was then playing. + Monsieur Simon (the judge major) was so pleased with this couplet, that he + determined to make another in answer to it, on the same air. He had + desired Venture to write one, and he wished me to make a third, that, as + he expressed it, they might see couplets start up next day like incidents + in a comic romance. + </p> + <p> + In the night (not being able to sleep) I composed a couplet, as my first + essay in poetry. It was passable; better, or at least composed with more + taste than it would have been the preceding night, the subject being + tenderness, to which my heart was now entirely disposed. In the morning I + showed my performance to Venture, who, being pleased with the couplet, put + it in his pocket, without informing me whether he had made his. We dined + with M. Simon, who treated us very politely. The conversation was + agreeable; indeed it could not be otherwise between two men of natural + good sense, improved by reading. For me, I acted my proper part, which was + to listen without attempting to join in the conversation. Neither of them + mentioned the couplet nor do I know that it ever passed for mine. M. Simon + appeared satisfied with my behavior; indeed, it was almost all he saw of + me at this interview. We had often met at Madam de Warens, but he had + never paid much attention to me; it is from this dinner, therefore, that I + date our acquaintance, which, though of no use in regard to the object I + then had in view, was afterwards productive of advantages which make me + recollect it with pleasure. I should be wrong not to give some account of + this person, since from his office of magistrate, and the reputation of + wit on which he piqued himself, no idea could be formed of it. The judge + major, Simon, certainly was not two feet high; his legs spare, straight, + and tolerably long, would have added something to his stature had they + been vertical, but they stood in the direction of an open pair of + compasses. His body was not only short, but thin, being in every respect + of most inconceivable smallness—when naked he must have appeared + like a grasshopper. His head was of the common size, to which appertained + a well-formed face, a noble look, and tolerably fine eyes; in short, it + appeared a borrowed head, stuck on a miserable stump. He might very well + have dispensed with dress, for his large wig alone covered him from head + to foot. + </p> + <p> + He had two voices, perfectly different, which intermingled perpetually in + his conversation, forming at first a diverting, but afterwards a very + disagreeable contrast. One grave and sonorous, was, if I may hazard the + expression, the voice of his head: the other, clear, sharp, and piercing, + the voice of his body. When he paid particular attention, and spoke + leisurely, so as to preserve his breath, he could continue his deep tone; + but if he was the least animated, or attempted a lively accent, his voice + sounded like the whistling of a key, and it was with the utmost difficulty + that he could return to the bass. + </p> + <p> + With the figure I have just described, and which is by no means + overcharged, M. Simon was gallant, ever entertaining the ladies with soft + tales, and carrying the decoration of his person even to foppery. Willing + to make use of every advantage he, during the morning, gave audience in + bed, for when a handsome head was discovered on the pillow no one could + have imagined what belonged to it. This circumstance gave birth to scenes, + which I am certain are yet remembered by all Annecy. + </p> + <p> + One morning, when he expected to give audience in bed, or rather on the + bed, having on a handsome night-cap ornamented with rose-colored ribbon, a + countryman arriving knocked at the door; the maid happened to be out; the + judge, therefore, hearing the knock repeated, cried “Come in,” and, as he + spoke rather loud, it was in his shrill tone. The man entered, looked + about, endeavoring to discover whence the female voice proceeded and at + length seeing a handsome head-dress set off with ribbons, was about to + leave the room, making the supposed lady a hundred apologies. M. Simon, in + a rage, screamed the more; and the countryman, yet more confirmed in his + opinion, conceiving himself to be insulted, began railing in his turn, + saying that, “Apparently, she was nothing better than a common + streetwalker, and that the judge major should be ashamed of setting such + ill examples.” The enraged magistrate, having no other weapon than the + jordan under his bed, was just going to throw it at the poor fellow’s head + as his servant returned. + </p> + <p> + This dwarf, ill-used by nature as to his person, was recompensed by + possessing an understanding naturally agreeable, and which he had been + careful to cultivate. Though he was esteemed a good lawyer, he did not + like his profession, delighting more in the finer parts of literature, + which he studied with success: above all, he possessed that superficial + brilliancy, the art of pleasing in conversation, even with the ladies. He + knew by heart a number of little stories, which he perfectly well knew how + to make the most of; relating with an air of secrecy, and as an anecdote + of yesterday, what happened sixty years before. He understood music, and + could sing agreeably; in short, for a magistrate, he had many pleasing + talents. By flattering the ladies of Annecy, he became fashionable among + them, appearing continually in their train. He even pretended to favors, + at which they were much amused. A Madam D’Epigny used to say “The greatest + favor he could aspire to, was to kiss a lady on her knees.” + </p> + <p> + As he was well read, and spoke fluently, his conversation was both amusing + and instructive. When I afterwards took a taste for study, I cultivated + his acquaintance, and found my account in it: when at Chambery, I + frequently went from thence to see him. His praises increased my + emulation, to which he added some good advice respecting the prosecution + of my studies, which I found useful. Unhappily, this weakly body contained + a very feeling soul. Some years after, he was chagrined by I know not what + unlucky affair, but it cost him his life. This was really unfortunate, for + he was a good little man, whom at a first acquaintance one laughed at, but + afterwards loved. Though our situations in life were very little connected + with each other, as I received some useful lessons from him, I thought + gratitude demanded that I should dedicate a few sentences to his memory. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I found myself at liberty, I ran into the street where + Mademoiselle Galley lived, flattering myself that I should see someone go + in or out, or at least open a window, but I was mistaken, not even a cat + appeared, the house remaining as close all the time as if it had been + uninhabited. The street was small and lonely, any one loitering about was, + consequently, more likely to be noticed; from time to time people passed + in and out of the neighborhood; I was much embarrassed, thinking my person + might be known, and the cause that brought me there conjectured; this idea + tortured me, for I have ever preferred the honor and happiness of those I + love to my own pleasures. + </p> + <p> + At length, weary of playing the Spanish lover, and having no guitar, I + determined to write to Mademoiselle de G——. I should have + preferred writing to her friend, but did not dare take that liberty, as it + appeared more proper to begin with her to whom I owed the acquaintance, + and with whom I was most familiar. Having written my letter, I took it to + Mademoiselle Giraud, as the young ladies had agreed at parting, they + having furnished me with this expedient. Mademoiselle Giraud was a + quilter, and sometimes worked at Madam Galley’s, which procured her free + admission to the house. I must confess, I was not thoroughly satisfied + with this messenger, but was cautious of starting difficulties, fearing + that if I objected to her no other might be named, and it was impossible + to intimate that she had an inclination to me herself. I even felt + humiliated that she should think I could imagine her of the same sex as + those young ladies: in a word, I accepted her agency rather than none, and + availed myself of it at all events. + </p> + <p> + At the very first word, Giraud discovered me. I must own this was not a + difficult matter, for if sending a letter to young girls had not spoken + sufficiently plain, my foolish embarrassed air would have betrayed me. It + will easily be supposed that the employment gave her little satisfaction, + she undertook it, however, and performed it faithfully. The next morning I + ran to her house and found an answer ready for me. How did I hurry away + that I might have an opportunity to read and kiss it alone! though this + need not been told, but the plan adopted by Mademoiselle Giraud (and in + which I found more delicacy and moderation than I had expected) should. + She had sense enough to conclude that her thirty-seven years, hare’s eyes, + daubed nose, shrill voice, and black skin, stood no chance against two + elegant young girls, in all the height and bloom of beauty; she resolved, + therefore, nether to betray nor assist them, choosing rather to lose me + entirely than entertain me for them. + </p> + <p> + As Merceret had not heard from her mistress for some time, she thought of + returning to Fribourg, and the persuasions of Giraud determined her; nay + more, she intimated it was proper someone should conduct her to her + father’s and proposed me. As I happened to be agreeable to little + Merceret, she approved the idea, and the same day they mentioned it to me + as a fixed point. Finding nothing displeasing in the manner they had + disposed of me, I consented, thinking it could not be above a week’s + journey at most; but Giraud, who had arranged the whole affair, thought + otherwise. It was necessary to avow the state of my finances, and the + conclusion was, that Merceret should defray my expenses; but to retrench + on one hand what was expended on the other, I advised that her little + baggage should be sent on before, and that we should proceed by easy + journeys on foot. + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to have so many girls in love with me, but as there is nothing + to be very vain of in the success of these amours, I think I may tell the + truth without scruple. Merceret, younger and less artful than Giraud, + never made me so many advances, but she imitated my manners, my actions, + repeated my words, and showed me all those little attentions I ought to + have had for her. Being very timorous, she took great care that we should + both sleep in the same chamber; a circumstance that usually produces some + consequences between a lad of twenty and a girl of twenty-five. + </p> + <p> + For once, however, it went no further; my simplicity being such, that + though Merceret was by no means a disagreeable girl, an idea of gallantry + never entered my head, and even if it had, I was too great a novice to + have profited by it. I could not imagine how two young persons could bring + themselves to sleep together, thinking that such familiarity must require + an age of preparation. If poor Merceret paid my expenses in hopes of any + return, she was terribly cheated, for we arrived at Fribourg exactly as we + had quitted Annecy. + </p> + <p> + I passed through Geneva without visiting any one. While going over the + bridges, I found myself so affected that I could scarcely proceed. Never + could I see the walls of that city, never could I enter it, without + feeling my heart sink from excess of tenderness, at the same time that the + image of liberty elevated my soul. The ideas of equality, union, and + gentleness of manners, touched me even to tears, and inspired me with a + lively regret at having forfeited all these advantages. What an error was + I in! but yet how natural! I imagined I saw all this in my native country, + because I bore it in my heart. + </p> + <p> + It was necessary to pass through Nion: could I do this without seeing my + good father? Had I resolved on doing so, I must afterwards have died with + regret. I left Merceret at the inn, and ventured to his house. How wrong + was I to fear him! On seeing me, his soul gave way to the parental + tenderness with which it was filled. What tears were mingled with our + embraces! He thought I was returned to him: I related my history, and + informed him of my resolution. He opposed it feebly, mentioning the + dangers to which I exposed myself, and telling me the shortest follies + were best, but did not attempt to keep me by force, in which particular I + think he acted right; but it is certain he did not do everything in his + power to detain me, even by fair means. Whether after the step I had + taken, he thought I ought not to return, or was puzzled at my age to know + what to do with me—I have since found that he conceived a very + unjust opinion of my travelling companion. My step-mother, a good woman, a + little coaxingly put on an appearance of wishing me to stay to supper; I + did not, however, comply, but told them I proposed remaining longer with + them on my return; leaving as a deposit my little packet, that had come by + water, and would have been an incumbrance, had I taken it with me. I + continued my journey the next morning, well satisfied that I had seen my + father, and had taken courage to do my duty. + </p> + <p> + We arrived without any accident at Fribourg. Towards the conclusion of the + journey, the politeness of Mademoiselle Merceret rather diminished, and, + after our arrival, she treated me even with coldness. Her father, who was + not in the best circumstances, did not show me much attention, and I was + obliged to lodge at an alehouse. I went to see them the next morning, and + received an invitation to dine there, which I accepted. We separated + without tears at night; I returned to my paltry lodging, and departed the + second day after my arrival, almost without knowing whither to go to. + </p> + <p> + This was a circumstance of my life in which Providence offered me + precisely what was necessary to make my days pass happily. Merceret was a + good girl, neither witty, handsome, nor ugly; not very lively, but + tolerably rational, except while under the influence of some little + humors, which usually evaporated in tears, without any violent outbreak of + temper. She had a real inclination for me; I might have married her + without difficulty, and followed her father’s business. My taste for music + would have made me love her; I should have settled at Fribourg, a small + town, not pretty, but inhabited by very worthy people—I should + certainly have missed great pleasures, but should have lived in peace to + my last hour, and I must know best what I should have gained by such a + step. + </p> + <p> + I did not return to Nion, but to Lausanne, wishing to gratify myself with + a view of that beautiful lake which is seen there in its utmost extent. + The greater part of my secret motives have not been so reasonable. Distant + expectation has rarely strength enough to influence my actions; the + uncertainty of the future ever making me regard projects whose execution + requires a length of time as deceitful lures. I give in to visionary + scenes of hope as well as others, provided they cost nothing, but if + attended with any trouble, I have done with them. The smallest, the most + trifling pleasure that is conveniently within my reach, tempts me more + than all the joys of paradise. I must except, however, those pleasures + which are necessarily followed by pain; I only love those enjoyments which + are unadulterated, which can never be the case where we are conscious they + must be followed by repentance. + </p> + <p> + It was necessary I should arrive at some place, and the nearest was best; + for having lost my way on the road, I found myself in the evening at + Moudon, where I spent all that remained of my little stock except ten + creuzers, which served to purchase my next day’s dinner. Arriving in the + evening at Lausanne, I went into an ale-house, without a penny in my + pocket to pay for my lodging, or knowing what would become of me. I found + myself extremely hungry—setting, therefore, a good face on the + matter, I ordered supper, made my meal, went to bed without thought and + slept with great composure. In the morning, having breakfasted and + reckoned with my host, I offered to leave my waistcoat in pledge for seven + batz, which was the amount of my expenses. The honest man refused this, + saying, thank Heaven, he had never stripped any one, and would not now + begin for seven batz, adding I should keep my waistcoat and pay him when I + could. I was affected with this unexpected kindness, but felt it less than + I ought to have done, or have since experienced on the remembrance of it. + I did not fail sending him his money, with thanks, by one I could depend + on. Fifteen years after, passing Lausanne, on my return from Italy, I felt + a sensible regret at having forgotten the name of the landlord and house. + I wished to see him, and should have felt real pleasure in recalling to + his memory that worthy action. Services which doubtless have been much + more important, but rendered with ostentation, have not appeared to me so + worthy of gratitude as the simple unaffected humanity of this honest man. + </p> + <p> + As I approached Lausanne, I thought of my distress, and the means of + extricating myself, without appearing in want to my step-mother. I + compared myself, in this walking pilgrimage, to my friend Venture, on his + arrival at Annecy, and was so warmed with the idea, that without + recollecting that I had neither his gentility nor his talents, I + determined to act the part of little Venture at Lausanne, to teach music, + which I did not understand, and say I came from Paris, where I had never + been. + </p> + <p> + In consequence of this noble project (as there was no company where I + could introduce myself without expense, and not choosing to venture among + professional people), I inquired for some little inn, where I could lodge + cheap, and was directed to one named Perrotet, who took in boarders. This + Perrotet, who was one of the best men in the world, received me very + kindly, and after having heard my feigned story and profession, promised + to speak of me, and endeavored to procure me scholars, saying he should + not expect any money till I had earned it. His price for board, though + moderate in itself, was a great deal to me; he advised me, therefore, to + begin with half board, which consisted of good soup only for dinner, but a + plentiful supper at night. I closed with this proposition, and the poor + Perrotet trusted me with great cheerfulness, sparing, meantime, no trouble + to be useful to me. + </p> + <p> + Having found so many good people in my youth, why do I find so few in my + age? Is their race extinct? No; but I do not seek them in the same + situation I did formerly, among the commonality, where violent passions + predominate only at intervals, and where nature speaks her genuine + sentiments. In more elevated stations they are entirely smothered, and + under the mask of sentiment, only interest or vanity is heard. + </p> + <p> + Having written to my father from Lausanne, he sent my packet and some + excellent advice, of which I should have profited better. I have already + observed that I have moments of inconceivable delirium, in which I am + entirely out of myself. The adventure I am about to relate is an instance + of this: to comprehend how completely my brain was turned, and to what + degree I had ‘Venturised’ (if I may be allowed the expression), the many + extravagances I ran into at the same time should be considered. Behold me, + then, a singing master, without knowing how to note a common song; for if + the five or six months passed with Le Maitre had improved me, they could + not be supposed sufficient to qualify me for such an undertaking; besides, + being taught by a master was enough (as I have before observed) to make me + learn ill. Being a Parisian from Geneva, and a Catholic in a Protestant + country, I thought I should change my name with my religion and country, + still approaching as near as possible to the great model I had in view. He + called himself Venture de Villeneuve. I changed, by anagram, the name + Rousseau into that of Vaussore, calling myself Monsieur Vaussore de + Villeneuve. Venture was a good composer, though he had not said so; + without knowing anything of the art, I boasted of my skill to every one. + This was not all: being presented to Monsieur de Freytorens, professor of + law, who loved music, and who gave concerts at his house, nothing would do + but I must give him a proof of my talents, and accordingly I set about + composing a piece for his concerts, as boldly as if I had really + understood the science. I had the constancy to labor a fortnight at this + curious business, to copy it fair, write out the different parts, and + distribute them with as much assurance as if they had been masterpieces of + harmony; in short (what will hardly be believed, though strictly true), I + tacked a very pretty minuet to the end of it, that was commonly played + about the streets, and which many may remember from these words, so well + known at that time: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Quel caprice! + Quelle injustice! + Quoi! ta Clarice + Trahirait tes feux! &c. +</pre> + <p> + Venture had taught me this air with the bass, set to other words, by the + help of which I had retained it: thus at the end of my composition, I put + this minuet and bass, suppressing the words, and uttering it for my own as + confidently as if I had been speaking to the inhabitants of the moon. They + assembled to perform my piece; I explain to each the movement, taste of + execution, and references to his part—I was fully occupied. They + were five or six minutes preparing, which were for me so many ages: at + length, everything is adjusted, myself in a conspicuous situation, a fine + roll of paper in my hand, gravely preparing to beat time. I gave four or + five strokes with my paper, attending with “take care!” they begin—No, + never since French operas existed was there such a confused discord! The + minuet, however, presently put all the company in good humor; hardly was + it begun, before I heard bursts of laughter from all parts, every one + congratulated me on my pretty taste for music, declaring this minuet would + make me spoken of, and that I merited the loudest praise. It is not + necessary to describe my uneasiness, or to own how much I deserved it. + </p> + <p> + Next day, one of the musicians, named Lutold, came to see me and was kind + enough to congratulate me on my success. The profound conviction of my + folly, shame, regret, and the state of despair to which I was reduced, + with the impossibility of concealing the cruel agitation of my heart, made + me open it to him; giving, therefore, a loose to my tears, not content + with owning my ignorance, I told all, conjuring him to secrecy; he kept + his word, as every one will suppose. The same evening, all Lausanne knew + who I was, but what is remarkable, no one seemed to know, not even the + good Perrotet, who (notwithstanding what had happened) continued to lodge + and board me. + </p> + <p> + I led a melancholy life here; the consequences of such an essay had not + rendered Lausanne a very agreeable residence. Scholars did not present + themselves in crowds, not a single female, and not a person of the city. I + had only two or three great dunces, as stupid as I was ignorant, who + fatigued me to death, and in my hands were not likely to edify much. + </p> + <p> + At length, I was sent for to a house, where a little serpent of a girl + amused herself by showing me a parcel of music that I could not read a + note of, and which she had the malice to sing before her master, to teach + him how it should be executed; for I was so unable to read an air at first + sight, that in the charming concert I have just described, I could not + possibly follow the execution a moment, or know whether they played truly + what lay before them, and I myself had composed. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of so many humiliating circumstances, I had the pleasing + consolation, from time to time, of receiving letters from my two charming + friends. I have ever found the utmost consolatory virtue in the fair; when + in disgrace, nothing softens my affliction more than to be sensible that + an amiable woman is interested for me. This correspondence ceased soon + after, and was never renewed: indeed it was my own fault, for in changing + situations I neglected sending my address, and forced by necessity to + think perpetually of myself, I soon forgot them. + </p> + <p> + It is a long time since I mentioned Madam de Warens, but it should not be + supposed I had forgotten her; never was she a moment absent from my + thoughts. I anxiously wished to find her, not merely because she was + necessary to my subsistence, but because she was infinitely more necessary + to my heart. My attachment to her (though lively and tender, as it really + was) did not prevent my loving others, but then it was not in the same + manner. All equally claimed my tenderness for their charms, but it was + those charms alone I loved, my passion would not have survived them, while + Madam de Warens might have become old or ugly without my loving her the + less tenderly. My heart had entirely transmitted to herself the homage it + first paid to her beauty, and whatever change she might experience, while + she remained herself, my sentiments could not change. I was sensible how + much gratitude I owed to her, but in truth, I never thought of it, and + whether she served me or not, it would ever have been the same thing. I + loved her neither from duty, interest, nor convenience; I loved her + because I was born to love her. During my attachment to another, I own + this affection was in some measure deranged; I did not think so frequently + of her, but still with the same pleasure, and never, in love or otherwise, + did I think of her without feeling that I could expect no true happiness + in life while in a state of separation. + </p> + <p> + Though in so long a time I had received no news from Madam de Warens, I + never imagined I had entirely lost her, or that she could have forgotten + me. I said to myself, she will know sooner or later that I am wandering + about, and will find some means to inform me of her situation: I am + certain I shall find her. In the meantime, it was a pleasure to live in + her native country, to walk in the streets where she had walked, and + before the houses that she had lived in; yet all this was the work of + conjecture, for one of my foolish peculiarities was, not daring to inquire + after her, or even pronounce her name without the most absolute necessity. + It seemed in speaking of her that I declared all I felt, that my lips + revealed the secrets of my heart, and in some degree injured the object of + my affection. I believe fear was likewise mingled with this idea; I + dreaded to hear ill of her. Her management had been much spoken of, and + some little of her conduct in other respects; fearing, therefore, that + something might be said which I did not wish to hear, I preferred being + silent on the subject. + </p> + <p> + As my scholars did not take up much of my time, and the town where she was + born was not above four leagues from Lausanne, I made it a walk of three + or four days; during which time a most pleasant emotion never left me. A + view of the lake of Geneva and its admirable banks, had ever, in my idea, + a particular attraction which I cannot describe; not arising merely from + the beauty of the prospect, but something else, I know not why, more + interesting, which affects and softens me. Every time I have approached + the Vaudois country I have experienced an impression composed of the + remembrance of Madam de Warens, who was born there; of my father, who + lived there; of Miss Vulson, who had been my first love, and of several + pleasant journeys I had made there in my childhood, mingled with some + nameless charm, more powerfully attractive than all the rest. When that + ardent desire for a life of happiness and tranquility (which ever follows + me, and for which I was born) inflames my mind, ‘tis ever to the country + of Vaud, near the lake, in those charming plains, that imagination leads + me. An orchard on the banks of that lake, and no other, is absolutely + necessary; a firm friend, an amiable woman, a cow, and a little boat; nor + could I enjoy perfect happiness on earth without these concomitants. I + laugh at the simplicity with which I have several times gone into that + country for the sole purpose of seeking this imaginary happiness when I + was ever surprised to find the inhabitants, particularly the women, of a + quite different disposition to what I sought. How strange did this appear + to me! The country and people who inhabit it, were never, in my idea, + formed for each other. + </p> + <p> + Walking along these beautiful banks, on my way to Vevay, I gave myself up + to the soft melancholy; my heart rushed with ardor into a thousand + innocent felicities; melting to tenderness, I sighed and wept like a + child. How often, stopping to weep more at my ease, and seated on a large + stone, did I amuse myself with seeing my tears drop into the water. + </p> + <p> + On my arrival at Vevay, I lodged at the Key, and during the two days I + remained there, without any acquaintance, conceived a love for that city, + which has followed me through all my travels, and was finally the cause + that I fixed on this spot, in the novel I afterwards wrote, for the + residence of my hero and heroines. I would say to any one who has taste + and feeling, go to Vevay, visit the surrounding country, examine the + prospects, go on the lake and then say, whether nature has not designed + this country for a Julia, a Clara, and a St. Preux; but do not seek them + there. I now return to my story. + </p> + <p> + Giving myself out for a Catholic, I followed without mystery or scruple + the religion I had embraced. On a Sunday, if the weather was fine, I went + to hear mass at Assans, a place two leagues distant from Lausanne, and + generally in company with other Catholics, particularly a Parisian + embroiderer, whose name I have forgotten. Not such a Parisian as myself, + but a real native of Paris, an arch-Parisian from his maker, yet honest as + a peasant. He loved his country so well, that he would not doubt my being + his countryman, for fear he should not have so much occasion to speak of + it. The lieutenant-governor, M. de Crouzas, had a gardener, who was + likewise from Paris, but not so complaisant; he thought the glory of his + country concerned, when any one claimed that honor who was not really + entitled to it; he put questions to me, therefore, with an air and tone, + as if certain to detect me in a falsehood, and once, smiling malignantly, + asked what was remarkable in the ‘Marcheneuf’? It may be supposed I asked + the question; but I have since passed twenty years at Paris, and certainly + know that city, yet was the same question repeated at this day, I should + be equally embarrassed to answer it, and from this embarrassment it might + be concluded I had never been there: thus, even when we meet with truths, + we are subject to build our opinions on circumstances, which may easily + deceive us. + </p> + <p> + I formed no ideas, while at Lausanne, that were worth recollecting, nor + can I say exactly how long I remained there; I only know that not finding + sufficient to subsist on, I went from thence to Neuchatel, where I passed + the winter. Here I succeeded better, I got some scholars, and saved enough + to pay my good friend Perrotet, who had faithfully sent my baggage, though + at that time I was considerably in his debt. + </p> + <p> + By continuing to teach music, I insensibly gained some knowledge of it. + The life I led was sufficiently agreeable, and any reasonable man might + have been satisfied, but my unsettled heart demanded something more. On + Sundays, or whenever I had leisure, I wandered, sighing and thoughtful, + about the adjoining woods, and when once out of the city never returned + before night. One day, being at Boudry, I went to dine at a public-house, + where I saw a man with a long beard, dressed in a violet-colored Grecian + habit, with a fur cap, and whose air and manner were rather noble. This + person found some difficulty in making himself understood, speaking only + an unintelligible jargon, which bore more resemblance to Italian than any + other language. I understood almost all he said, and I was the only person + present who could do so, for he was obliged to make his request known to + the landlord and others about him by signs. On my speaking a few words in + Italian, which he perfectly understood, he got up and embraced me with + rapture; a connection was soon formed, and from that moment, I became his + interpreter. His dinner was excellent, mine rather worse than indifferent, + he gave me an invitation to dine with him, which I accepted without much + ceremony. Drinking and chatting soon rendered us familiar, and by the end + of the repast we had all the disposition in the world to become + inseparable companions. He informed me he was a Greek prelate, and + ‘Archimandrite’ of Jerusalem; that he had undertaken to make a gathering + in Europe for the reestablishment of the Holy Sepulchre, and showed me + some very fine patents from the czarina, the emperor, and several other + sovereigns. He was tolerably content with what he had collected hitherto, + though he had experienced inconceivable difficulties in Germany; for not + understanding a word of German, Latin, or French, he had been obliged to + have recourse to his Greek, Turkish Lingua Franca, which did not procure + him much in the country he was travelling through; his proposal, + therefore, to me was, that I should accompany him in the quality of + secretary and interpreter. In spite of my violet-colored coat, which + accorded well enough with the proposed employment, he guessed from my + meagre appearance, that I should easily be gained; and he was not + mistaken. The bargain was soon made, I demanded nothing, and he promised + liberally; thus, without any security or knowledge of the person I was + about to serve, I gave myself up entirely to his conduct, and the next day + behold me on an expedition to Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + We began our expedition unsuccessfully by the canton of Fribourg. + Episcopal dignity would not suffer him to play the beggar, or solicit help + from private individuals; but we presented his commission to the Senate, + who gave him a trifling sum. From thence we went to Berne, where we lodged + at the Falcon, then a good inn, and frequented by respectable company; the + public table being well supplied and numerously attended. I had fared + indifferently so long, that I was glad to make myself amends, therefore + took care to profit by the present occasion. My lord, the Archimandrite, + was himself an excellent companion, loved good cheer, was gay, spoke well + for those who understood him, and knew perfectly well how to make the most + of his Grecian erudition. One day, at dessert while cracking nuts, he cut + his finger pretty deeply, and as it bled freely showed it to the company, + saying with a laugh, “Mirate, signori; questo a sangue Pelasgo.” + </p> + <p> + At Berne, I was not useless to him, nor was my performance so bad as I had + feared: I certainly spoke better and with more confidence than I could + have done for myself. Matters were not conducted here with the same + simplicity as at Fribourg; long and frequent conferences were necessary + with the Premiers of the State, and the examination of his titles was not + the work of a day; at length, everything being adjusted, he was admitted + to an audience by the Senate; I entered with him as interpreter, and was + ordered to speak. I expected nothing less, for it never entered my mind, + that after such long and frequent conferences with the members, it was + necessary to address the assembly collectively, as if nothing had been + said. Judge my embarrassment!—a man so bashful to speak, not only in + public, but before the whole of the Senate of Berne! to speak impromptu, + without a single moment for recollection; it was enough to annihilate me—I + was not even intimidated. I described distinctly and clearly the + commission of the Archimandrite; extolled the piety of those princes who + had contributed, and to heighten that of their excellencies by emulation, + added that less could not be expected from their well-known munificence; + then, endeavoring to prove that this good work was equally interesting to + all Christians, without distinction of sect; and concluded by promising + the benediction of Heaven to all those who took part in it. I will not say + that my discourse was the cause of our success, but it was certainly well + received; and on our quitting the Archimandrite was gratified by a very + genteel present, to which some very handsome compliments were added on the + understanding of his secretary; these I had the agreeable office of + interpreting; but could not take courage to render them literally. + </p> + <p> + This was the only time in my life that I spoke in public, and before a + sovereign; and the only time, perhaps, that I spoke boldly and well. What + difference in the disposition of the same person. Three years ago, having + been to see my old friend, M. Roguin, at Yverdon, I received a deputation + to thank me for some books I had presented to the library of that city; + the Swiss are great speakers; these gentlemen, accordingly, made me a long + harangue, which I thought myself obliged in honor to answer, but so + embarrassed myself in the attempt, that my head became confused, I stopped + short, and was laughed at. Though naturally timid, I have sometimes acted + with confidence in my youth, but never in my advanced age: the more I have + seen of the world the less I have been able to adapt its manners. + </p> + <p> + On leaving Berne, we went to Soleurre: the Archimandrite designing to + re-enter Germany, and return through Hungary or Poland to his own country. + This would have been a prodigious tour; but as the contents of his purse + rather increased than diminished during his journey, he was in no haste to + return. For me, who was almost as much pleased on horseback as on foot, I + would have desired no better than to have travelled thus during my whole + life; but it was pre-ordained that my journey should soon end. + </p> + <p> + The first thing we did after our arrival at Soleurre, was to pay our + respects to the French ambassador there. Unfortunately for my bishop, this + chanced to be the Marquis de Bonac, who had been ambassador at the Porte, + and was acquainted with every particular relative to the Holy Sepulchre. + The Archimandrite had an audience that lasted about a quarter of an hour, + to which I was not admitted, as the ambassador spoke French and Italian at + least as well as myself. On my Grecian’s retiring, I was prepared to + follow him, but was detained: it was now my turn. Having called myself a + Parisian, as such, I was under the jurisdiction of his excellency: he + therefore asked me who I was? exhorting me to tell the truth; this I + promised to do, but entreated a private audience, which was immediately + granted. The ambassador took me to his closet, and shut the door; there, + throwing myself at his feet, I kept my word, nor should I have said less, + had I promised nothing, for a continual wish to unbosom myself, puts my + heart perpetually upon my lips. After having disclosed myself without + reserve to the musician Lutold, there was no occasion to attempt acting + the mysterious with the Marquis de Bonac, who was so well pleased with my + little history, and the ingenuousness with which I had related it, that he + led me to the ambassadress, and presented me, with an abridgment of my + recital. Madam de Bonac received me kindly, saying, I must not be suffered + to follow that Greek monk. It was accordingly resolved that I should + remain at their hotel till something better could be done for me. I wished + to bid adieu to my poor Archimandrite, for whom I had conceived an + attachment, but was not permitted; they sent him word that I was to be + detained there, and in quarter of an hour after, I saw my little bundle + arrive. M. de la Martiniere, secretary of the embassy, had in a manner the + care of me; while following him to the chamber appropriated to my use, he + said, “This apartment was occupied under the Count de Luc, by a celebrated + man of the same name as yourself; it is in your power to succeed him in + every respect, and cause it to be said hereafter, Rousseau the First, + Rousseau the Second.” This similarity which I did not then expect, would + have been less flattering to my wishes could I have foreseen at what price + I should one day purchase the distinction. + </p> + <p> + What M. de la Martiniere had said excited my curiosity; I read the works + of the person whose chamber I occupied, and on the strength of the + compliment that had been paid me (imagining I had a taste for poetry) made + my first essay in a cantata in praise of Madam de Bonac. This inclination + was not permanent, though from time to time I have composed tolerable + verses. I think it is a good exercise to teach elegant turns of + expression, and to write well in prose, but could never find attractions + enough in French poetry to give entirely in to it. + </p> + <p> + M. de la Martiniere wished to see my style, and asked me to write the + detail I had before made the ambassador; accordingly I wrote him a long + letter, which I have since been informed was preserved by M. de Marianne, + who had long been attached to the Marquis de Bonac, and has since + succeeded M. de Martiniere as secretary to the embassy of M. de + Courtellies. + </p> + <p> + The experience I began to acquire tended to moderate my romantic projects; + for example, I did not fall in love with Madam de Bonac, but also felt I + did not stand much chance of succeeding in the service of her husband. M. + de la Martiniere was already in the only place that could have satisfied + my ambition, and M. de Marianne in expectancy: thus my utmost hopes could + only aspire to the office of under secretary, which did not infinitely + tempt me: this was the reason that when consulted on the situation I + should like to be placed in, I expressed a great desire to go to Paris. + The ambassador readily gave in to the idea, which at least tended to + disembarrass him of me. M. de Merveilleux, interpreting secretary to the + embassy, said, that his friend, M. Godard, a Swiss colonel, in the service + of France, wanted a person to be with his nephew, who had entered very + young into the service, and made no doubt that I should suit him. On this + idea, so lightly formed, my departure was determined; and I, who saw a + long journey to perform with Paris at the end of it, was enraptured with + the project. They gave me several letters, a hundred livres to defray the + expenses of my journey, accompanied with some good advice, and thus + equipped I departed. + </p> + <p> + I was a fortnight making the journey, which I may reckon among the + happiest days of my life. I was young, in perfect health, with plenty of + money, and the most brilliant hopes, add to this, I was on foot, and + alone. It may appear strange, I should mention the latter circumstance as + advantageous, if my peculiarity of temper is not already familiar to the + reader. I was continually occupied with a variety of pleasing chimeras, + and never did the warmth of my imagination produce more magnificent ones. + When offered an empty place in a carriage, or any person accosted me on + the road, how vexed was I to see that fortune overthrown, whose edifice, + while walking, I had taken such pains to rear. + </p> + <p> + For once my ideas were all martial: I was going to live with a military + man; nay, to become one, for it was concluded I should begin with being a + cadet. I already fancied myself in regimentals, with a fine white feather + nodding on my hat, and my heart was inflamed by the noble idea. I had some + smattering of geometry and fortification; my uncle was an engineer; I was + in a manner a soldier by inheritance. My short sight, indeed, presented + some little obstacle, but did not by any means discourage me, as I + reckoned to supply that defect by coolness and intrepidity. I had read, + too, that Marshal Schomberg was remarkably shortsighted, and why might not + Marshal Rousseau be the same? My imagination was so warm by these follies, + that it presented nothing but troops, ramparts, gabions, batteries, and + myself in the midst of fire and smoke, an eyeglass in hand, commanding + with the utmost tranquility. Notwithstanding, when the country presented a + delightful prospect, when I saw charming groves and rivulets, the pleasing + sight made me sigh with regret, and feel, in the midst of all this glory, + that my heart was not formed for such havoc; and soon without knowing how, + I found my thoughts wandering among my dear sheep-folds, renouncing + forever the labor of Mars. + </p> + <p> + How much did Paris disappoint the idea I had formed of it! The exterior + decorations I had seen at Turin, the beauty of the streets, the symmetry + and regularity of the houses, contributed to this disappointment, since I + concluded that Paris must be infinitely superior. I had figured to myself + a splendid city, beautiful as large, of the most commanding aspect, whose + streets were ranges of magnificent palaces, composed of marble and gold. + On entering the faubourg St. Marceau, I saw nothing but dirty stinking + streets, filthy black houses, an air of slovenliness and poverty, beggars, + carters, butchers, cries of tisane and old hats. This struck me so + forcibly, that all I have since seen of real magnificence in Paris could + never erase this first impression, which has ever given me a particular + disgust to residing in that capital; and I may say, the whole time I + remained there afterwards, was employed in seeking resources which might + enable me to live at a distance from it. This is the consequence of too + lively imagination, which exaggerates even beyond the voice of fame, and + ever expects more than is told. I have heard Paris so flatteringly + described, that I pictured it like the ancient Babylon, which, perhaps, + had I seen, I might have found equally faulty, and unlike that idea the + account had conveyed. The same thing happened at the Opera-house, to which + I hastened the day after my arrival! I was sensible of the same deficiency + at Versailles! and some time after on viewing the sea. I am convinced this + would ever be the consequence of a too flattering description of any + object; for it is impossible for man, and difficult even for nature + herself, to surpass the riches of my imagination. + </p> + <p> + By the reception I met with from all those to whom my letters were + addressed, I thought my fortune was certainly made. The person who + received me the least kindly was M. de Surbeck, to whom I had the warmest + recommendation. He had retired from the service, and lived philosophically + at Bagneux, where I waited on him several times without his offering me + even a glass of water. I was better received by Madam de Merveilleux, + sister-in-law to the interpreter, and by his nephew, who was an officer in + the guards. The mother and son not only received me kindly, but offered me + the use of their table, which favor I frequently accepted during my stay + at Paris. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Merveilleux appeared to have been handsome; her hair was of a + fine black, which, according to the old mode, she wore curled on the + temples. She still retained (what do not perish with a set of features) + the beauties of an amiable mind. She appeared satisfied with mine, and did + all she could to render me service; but no one seconded her endeavors, and + I was presently undeceived in the great interest they had seemed to take + in my affairs. I must, however, do the French nation the justice to say, + they do not so exhaust themselves with protestations, as some have + represented, and that those they make are usually sincere; but they have a + manner of appearing interested in your affairs, which is more deceiving + than words. The gross compliments of the Swiss can only impose upon fools; + the manners of the French are more seducing, and at the same time so + simple, that you are persuaded they do not express all they mean to do for + you, in order that you may be the more agreeably surprised. I will say + more; they are not false in their protestations, being naturally zealous + to oblige, humane, benevolent, and even (whatever may be said to the + contrary) more sincere than any other nation; but they are too flighty: in + effect they feel the sentiments they profess for you, but that sentiment + flies off as instantaneously as it was formed. In speaking to you, their + whole attention is employed on you alone, when absent you are forgotten. + Nothing is permanent in their hearts, all is the work of the moment. + </p> + <p> + Thus I was greatly flattered, but received little service. Colonel Godard, + for whose nephew I was recommended, proved to be an avaricious old wretch, + who, on seeing my distress (though he was immensely rich), wished to have + my services for nothing, meaning to place me with his nephew, rather as a + valet without wages than a tutor. He represented that as I was to be + continually engaged with him, I should be excused from duty, and might + live on my cadet’s allowance; that is to say, on the pay of a soldier: + hardly would he consent to give me a uniform, thinking the clothing of the + army might serve. Madam de Merveilleux, provoked at his proposals, + persuaded me not to accept them; her son was of the same opinion; + something else was to be thought on, but no situation was procured. + Meantime, I began to be necessitated; for the hundred livres with which I + had commenced my journey could not last much longer; happily, I received a + small remittance from the ambassador, which was very serviceable, nor do I + think he would have abandoned me had I possessed more patience; but + languishing, waiting, soliciting, are to me impossible: I was + disheartened, displeased, and thus all my brilliant expectations came once + more to nothing. I had not all this time forgotten my dear Madam de + Warens, but how was I to find her? Where should I seek her? Madam de + Merveilleux, who knew my story, assisted me in the search, but for a long + time unavailingly; at length, she informed me that Madam de Warens had set + out from Paris about two months before, but it was not known whether for + Savoy or Turin, and that some conjectured she was gone to Switzerland. + Nothing further was necessary to fix my determination to follow her, + certain that wherever she might be, I stood more chance of finding her at + those places than I could possibly do at Paris. + </p> + <p> + Before my departure, I exercised my new poetical talent in an epistle to + Colonel Godard, whom I ridiculed to the utmost of my abilities. I showed + this scribble to Madam de Merveilleux, who, instead of discouraging me, as + she ought to have done, laughed heartily at my sarcasms, as well as her + son, who, I believe, did not like M. Godard; indeed, it must be confessed, + he was a man not calculated to obtain affection. I was tempted to send him + my verses, and they encouraged me in it; accordingly I made them up in a + parcel directed to him, and there being no post then at Paris by which I + could conveniently send this, I put it in my pocket, and sent it to him + from Auxerre, as I passed through that place. I laugh, even yet, + sometimes, at the grimaces I fancy he made on reading this panegyric, + where he was certainly drawn to the life; it began thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Tu croyois, vieux Penard, qu’ une folle manie + D’ elever ton neveu m’inspireroit l’envie. +</pre> + <p> + This little piece, which, it is true, was but indifferently written; did + not want for salt, and announced a turn for satire; it is, + notwithstanding, the only satirical writing that ever came from my pen. I + have too little hatred in my heart to take advantage of such a talent; but + I believe it may be judged from those controversies, in which from time to + time I have been engaged in my own defence, that had I been of a + vindictive disposition, my adversaries would rarely have had the laughter + on their side. + </p> + <p> + What I most regret, is not having kept a journal of my travels, being + conscious that a number of interesting details have slipped my memory; for + never did I exist so completely, never live so thoroughly, never was so + much myself, if I dare use the expression, as in those journeys made on + foot. Walking animates and enlivens my spirits; I can hardly think when in + a state of inactivity; my body must be exercised to make my judgment + active. The view of a fine country, a succession of agreeable prospects, a + free air, a good appetite, and the health I gained by walking; the freedom + of inns, and the distance from everything that can make me recollect the + dependence of my situation, conspire to free my soul, and give boldness to + my thoughts, throwing me, in a manner, into the immensity of beings, where + I combine, choose and appropriate them to my fancy, without constraint or + fear. I dispose of all nature as I please; my heart wandering from object + to object, approximates and unites with those that please it, is + surrounded by charming images, and becomes intoxicated with delicious + sensations. If, attempting to render these permanent, I am amused in + describing to myself, what glow of coloring, what energy of expression, do + I give them!—It has been said, that all these are to be found in my + works, though written in the decline of life. Oh! had those of my early + youth been seen, those made during my travels, composed, but never + written!—Why did I not write them? will be asked; and why should I + have written them? I may answer. Why deprive myself of the actual charm of + my enjoyments to inform others what I enjoyed? What to me were readers, + the public, or all the world, while I was mounting the empyrean. Besides, + did I carry pens, paper and ink with me? Had I recollected all these, not + a thought would have occurred worth preserving. I do not foresee when I + shall have ideas; they come when they please, and not when I call for + them; either they avoid me altogether, or rushing in crowds, overwhelm me + with their force and number. Ten volumes a day would not suffice barely to + enumerate my thoughts; how then should I find time to write them? In + stopping, I thought of nothing but a hearty dinner; on departing, of + nothing but a charming walk; I felt that a new paradise awaited me at the + door, and eagerly leaped forward to enjoy it. + </p> + <p> + Never did I experience this so feelingly as in the perambulation I am now + describing. On coming to Paris, I had confined myself to ideas which + related to the situation I expected to occupy there. I had rushed into the + career I was about to run, and should have completed it with tolerable + eclat, but it was not that my heart adhered to. Some real beings obscured + my imagined ones—Colonel Godard and his nephew could not keep pace + with a hero of my disposition. Thank Heaven, I was soon delivered from all + these obstacles, and could enter at pleasure into the wilderness of + chimeras, for that alone remained before me, and I wandered in it so + completely that I several times lost my way; but this was no misfortune, I + would not have shortened it, for, feeling with regret, as I approached + Lyons, that I must again return to the material world, I should have been + glad never to have arrived there. + </p> + <p> + One day, among others, having purposely gone out of my way to take a + nearer view of a spot that appeared delightful, I was so charmed with it, + and wandered round it so often, that at length I completely lost myself, + and after several hours’ useless walking, weary, fainting with hunger and + thirst, I entered a peasant’s hut, which had not indeed a very promising + appearance, but was the only one I could discover near me. I thought it + was here, as at Geneva, or in Switzerland, where the inhabitants, living + at ease, have it in their power to exercise hospitality. I entreated the + countryman to give me some dinner, offering to pay for it: on which he + presented me with some skimmed milk and coarse barley-bread, saying it was + all he had. I drank the milk with pleasure, and ate the bread, chaff and + all; but it was not very restorative to a man sinking with fatigue. The + countryman, who watched me narrowly, judged the truth of my story by my + appetite, and presently (after having said that he plainly saw I was an + honest, good-natured young man, and did not come to betray him) opened a + little trap door by the side of his kitchen, went down, and returned a + moment after with a good brown loaf of pure wheat, the remains of a + well-flavored ham, and a bottle of wine, the sight of which rejoiced my + heart more than all the rest: he then prepared a good thick omelet, and I + made such a dinner as none but a walking traveller ever enjoyed. + </p> + <p> + When I again offered to pay, his inquietude and fears returned; he not + only would have no money, but refused it with the most evident emotion; + and what made this scene more amusing, I could not imagine the motive of + his fear. At length, he pronounced tremblingly those terrible words, + “Commissioners,” and “Cellar-rats,” which he explained by giving me to + understand that he concealed his wine because of the excise, and his bread + on account of the tax imposed on it; adding, he should be an undone man, + if it was suspected he was not almost perishing with want. What he said to + me on this subject (of which I had not the smallest idea) made an + impression on my mind that can never be effaced, sowing seeds of that + inextinguishable hatred which has since grown up in my heart against the + vexations these unhappy people suffer, and against their oppressors. This + man, though in easy circumstances, dare not eat the bread gained by the + sweat of his brow, and could only escape destruction by exhibiting an + outward appearance of misery!—I left his cottage with as much + indignation as concern, deploring the fate of those beautiful countries, + where nature has been prodigal of her gifts, only that they may become the + prey of barbarous exactors. + </p> + <p> + The incident which I have just related, is the only one I have a distinct + remembrance of during this journey: I recollect, indeed, that on + approaching Lyons, I wished to prolong it by going to see the banks of the + Lignon; for among the romances I had read with my father, Astrea was not + forgotten and returned more frequently to my thoughts than any other. + Stopping for some refreshment (while chatting with my hostess), I inquired + the way to Forez, and was informed that country was an excellent place for + mechanics, as there were many forges, and much iron work done there. This + eulogium instantly calmed my romantic curiosity, for I felt no inclination + to seek Dianas and Sylvanders among a generation of blacksmiths. The good + woman who encouraged me with this piece of information certainly thought I + was a journeyman locksmith. + </p> + <p> + I had some view in going to Lyons: on my arrival, I went to the Chasattes, + to see Mademoiselle du Chatelet, a friend of Madam de Warens, for whom I + had brought a letter when I came there with M. le Maitre, so that it was + an acquaintance already formed. Mademoiselle du Chatelet informed me her + friend had passed through Lyons, but could not tell whether she had gone + on to Piedmont, being uncertain at her departure whether it would not be + necessary to stop in Savoy; but if I choose, she would immediately write + for information, and thought my best plan would be to remain at Lyons till + she received it. I accepted this offer; but did not tell Mademoiselle du + Chatelet how much I was pressed for an answer, and that my exhausted purse + would not permit me to wait long. It was not an appearance of coolness + that withheld me, on the contrary, I was very kindly received, treated on + the footing of equality, and this took from me the resolution of + explaining my circumstances, for I could not bear to descend from a + companion to a miserable beggar. + </p> + <p> + I seem to have retained a very connecting remembrance of that part of my + life contained in this book; yet I think I remember, about the same + period, another journey to Lyons, (the particulars of which I cannot + recollect) where I found myself much straitened, and a confused + remembrance of the extremities to which I was reduced does not contribute + to recall the idea agreeably. Had I been like many others, had I possessed + the talent of borrowing and running in debt at every ale-house I came to, + I might have fared better; but in that my incapacity equalled my + repugnance, and to demonstrate the prevalence of both, it will be + sufficient to say, that though I have passed almost my whole life in + indifferent circumstances, and frequently have been near wanting bread, I + was never once asked for money by a creditor without having it in my power + to pay it instantly; I could never bear to contract clamorous debts, and + have ever preferred suffering to owing. + </p> + <p> + Being reduced to pass my nights in the streets, may certainly be called + suffering, and this was several times the case at Lyons, having preferred + buying bread with the few pence I had remaining, to bestowing them on a + lodging; as I was convinced there was less danger of dying for want of + sleep than of hunger. What is astonishing, while in this unhappy + situation, I took no care for the future, was neither uneasy nor + melancholy, but patiently waited an answer to Mademoiselle du Chatelet’s + letter, and lying in the open air, stretched on the earth, or on a bench, + slept as soundly as if reposing on a bed of roses. I remember, + particularly, to have passed a most delightful night at some distance from + the city, in a road which had the Rhone, or Soane, I cannot recollect + which, on the one side, and a range of raised gardens, with terraces, on + the other. It had been a very hot day, the evening was delightful, the dew + moistened the fading grass, no wind was stirring, the air was fresh + without chillness, the setting sun had tinged the clouds with a beautiful + crimson, which was again reflected by the water, and the trees that + bordered the terrace were filled with nightingales who were continually + answering each other’s songs. I walked along in a kind of ecstasy, giving + up my heart and senses to the enjoyment of so many delights, and sighing + only from a regret of enjoying them alone. Absorbed in this pleasing + reverie, I lengthened my walk till it grew very late, without perceiving I + was tired; at length, however, I discovered it, and threw myself on the + step of a kind of niche, or false door, in the terrace wall. How charming + was the couch! the trees formed a stately canopy, a nightingale sat + directly over me, and with his soft notes lulled me to rest: how pleasing + my repose; my awaking more so. It was broad day; on opening my eyes I saw + the water, the verdure, and the admirable landscape before me. I arose, + shook off the remains of drowsiness, and finding I was hungry, retook the + way to the city, resolving, with inexpressible gayety, to spend the two + pieces of six francs I had yet remaining in a good breakfast. I found + myself so cheerful that I went all the way singing; I even remember I sang + a cantata of Batistin’s called the Baths of Thomery, which I knew by + heart. May a blessing light on the good Batistin and his good cantata, + which procured me a better breakfast than I had expected, and a still + better dinner which I did not expect at all! In the midst of my singing, I + heard some one behind me, and turning round perceived an Antonine, who + followed after and seemed to listen with pleasure to my song. At length + accosting me, he asked, If I understood music. I answered, “A little,” but + in a manner to have it understood I knew a great deal, and as he continued + questioning of me, related a part of my story. He asked me, If I had ever + copied music? I replied, “Often,” which was true: I had learned most by + copying. “Well,” continued he, “come with me, I can employ you for a few + days, during which time you shall want for nothing; provided you consent + not to quit my room.” I acquiesced very willingly, and followed him. + </p> + <p> + This Antonine was called M. Rotichon; he loved music, understood it, and + sang in some little concerts with his friends; thus far all was innocent + and right, but apparently this taste had become a furor, part of which he + was obliged to conceal. He conducted me into a chamber, where I found a + great quantity of music: he gave me some to copy, particularly the cantata + he had heard me singing, and which he was shortly to sing himself. + </p> + <p> + I remained here three or four days, copying all the time I did not eat, + for never in my life was I so hungry, or better fed. M. Rolichon brought + my provisions himself from the kitchen, and it appeared that these good + priests lived well, at least if every one fared as I did. In my life, I + never took such pleasure in eating, and it must be owned this good cheer + came very opportunely, for I was almost exhausted. I worked as heartily as + I ate, which is saying a great deal; ‘tis true I was not as correct as + diligent, for some days after, meeting M. Rolichon in the street, he + informed me there were so many omissions, repetitions, and transpositions, + in the parts I had copied, that they could not be performed. It must be + owned, that in choosing the profession of music, I hit on that I was least + calculated for; yet my voice was good and I copied neatly; but the fatigue + of long works bewilders me so much, that I spend more time in altering and + scratching out than in pricking down, and if I do not employ the strictest + attention in comparing the several parts, they are sure to fail in the + execution. Thus, through endeavoring to do well, my performance was very + faulty; for aiming at expedition, I did all amiss. This did not prevent M. + Rolichon from treating me well to the last, and giving me half-a-crown at + my departure, which I certainly did not deserve, and which completely set + me up, for a few days after I received news from Madam de Warens, who was + at Chambery, with money to defray the expenses of my journey to her, which + I performed with rapture. Since then my finances have frequently been very + low, but never at such an ebb as to reduce me to fasting, and I mark this + period with a heart fully alive to the bounty of Providence, as the last + of my life in which I sustained poverty and hunger. + </p> + <p> + I remained at Lyons seven or eight days to wait for some little + commissions with which Madam de Warens had charged Mademoiselle du + Chatelet, who during this interval I visited more assiduously than before, + having the pleasure of talking with her of her friend, and being no longer + disturbed by the cruel remembrance of my situation, or painful endeavors + to conceal it. Mademoiselle du Chatelet was neither young nor handsome, + but did not want for elegance; she was easy and obliging while her + understanding gave price to her familiarity. She had a taste for that kind + of moral observation which leads to the knowledge of mankind, and from her + originated that study in myself. She was fond of the works of Le Sage, + particularly Gil Blas, which she lent me, and recommended to my perusal. I + read this performance with pleasure, but my judgment was not yet ripe + enough to relish that sort of reading. I liked romances which abounded + with high-flown sentiments. + </p> + <p> + Thus did I pass my time at the grate of Mademoiselle du Chatelet, with as + much profit as pleasure. It is certain that the interesting and sensible + conversation of a deserving woman is more proper to form the understanding + of a young man than all the pedantic philosophy of books. I got acquainted + at the Chasattes with some other boarders and their friends, and among the + rest, with a young person of fourteen, called Mademoiselle Serre, whom I + did not much notice at that time, though I was in love with her eight or + nine years afterwards, and with great reason, for she was a most charming + girl. + </p> + <p> + I was fully occupied with the idea of seeing Madam de Warens, and this + gave some respite to my chimeras, for finding happiness in real objects I + was the less inclined to seek it in nonentities. I had not only found her, + but also by her means, and near her, an agreeable situation, having sent + me word that she had procured one that would suit me, and by which I + should not be obliged to quit her. I exhausted all my conjectures in + guessing what this occupation could be, but I must have possessed the art + of divination to have hit it on the right. I had money sufficient to make + my journey agreeable: Mademoiselle du Chatelet persuaded me to hire a + horse, but this I could not consent to, and I was certainly right, for by + so doing I should have lost the pleasure of the last pedestrian expedition + I ever made; for I cannot give that name to those excursions I have + frequently taken about my own neighborhood, while I lived at Motiers. + </p> + <p> + It is very singular that my imagination never rises so high as when my + situation is least agreeable or cheerful. When everything smiles around + me, I am least amused; my heart cannot confine itself to realities, cannot + embellish, but must create. Real objects strike me as they really are, my + imagination can only decorate ideal ones. If I would paint the spring, it + must be in winter; if describe a beautiful landscape, it must be while + surrounded with walls; and I have said a hundred times, that were I + confined in the Bastille, I could draw the most enchanting picture of + liberty. On my departure from Lyons, I saw nothing but an agreeable + future, the content I now with reason enjoyed was as great as my + discontent had been at leaving Paris, notwithstanding, I had not during + this journey any of those delightful reveries I then enjoyed. My mind was + serene, and that was all; I drew near the excellent friend I was going to + see, my heart overflowing with tenderness, enjoying in advance, but + without intoxication, the pleasure of living near her; I had always + expected this, and it was as if nothing new had happened. Meantime, I was + anxious about the employment Madam de Warens had procured me, as if that + alone had been material. My ideas were calm and peaceable, not ravishing + and celestial; every object struck my sight in its natural form; I + observed the surrounding landscape, remarked the trees, the houses, the + springs, deliberated on the cross-roads, was fearful of losing myself, yet + did not do so; in a word, I was no longer in the empyrean, but precisely + where I found myself, or sometimes perhaps at the end of my journey, never + farther. + </p> + <p> + I am in recounting my travels, as I was in making them, loath to arrive at + the conclusion. My heart beat with joy as I approached my dear Madam de + Warens, but I went no faster on that account. I love to walk at my ease, + and stop at leisure; a strolling life is necessary to me: travelling on + foot, in a fine country, with fine weather and having an agreeable object + to terminate my journey, is the manner of living of all others most suited + to my taste. + </p> + <p> + It is already understood what I mean by a fine country; never can a flat + one, though ever so beautiful, appear such in my eyes: I must have + torrents, fir trees, black woods, mountains to climb or descend, and + rugged roads with precipices on either side to alarm me. I experienced + this pleasure in its utmost extent as I approached Chambery, not far from + a mountain which is called Pas de l’Echelle. Above the main road, which is + hewn through the rock, a small river runs and rushes into fearful chasms, + which it appears to have been millions of ages in forming. The road has + been hedged by a parapet to prevent accidents, which enabled me to + contemplate the whole descent, and gain vertigoes at pleasure; for a great + part of my amusement in these steep rocks, is, they cause a giddiness and + swimming in my head, which I am particularly fond of, provided I am in + safety; leaning, therefore, over the parapet, I remained whole hours, + catching, from time to time, a glance of the froth and blue water, whose + rushing caught my ear, mingled with the cries of ravens, and other birds + of prey that flew from rock to rock, and bush to bush, at six hundred feet + below me. In places where the slope was tolerably regular, and clear + enough from bushes to let stones roll freely, I went a considerable way to + gather them, bringing those I could but just carry, which I piled on the + parapet, and then threw down one after the other, being transported at + seeing them roll, rebound, and fly into a thousand pieces, before they + reached the bottom of the precipice. + </p> + <p> + Near Chambery I enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle, though of a different + kind; the road passing near the foot of the most charming cascade I ever + saw. The water, which is very rapid, shoots from the top of an excessively + steep mountain, falling at such a distance from its base that you may walk + between the cascade and the rock without any inconvenience; but if not + particularly careful it is easy to be deceived as I was, for the water, + falling from such an immense height, separates, and descends in a rain as + fine as dust, and on approaching too near this cloud, without perceiving + it, you may be wet through in an instant. + </p> + <p> + At length I arrived at Madam de Warens; she was not alone, the + intendant-general was with her. Without speaking a word to me, she caught + my hand, and presenting me to him with that natural grace which charmed + all hearts, said: “This, sir, is the poor young man I mentioned; deign to + protect him as long as he deserves it, and I shall feel no concern for the + remainder of his life.” Then added, addressing herself to me, “Child, you + now belong to the king, thank Monsieur the Intendant, who furnishes you + with the means of existence.” I stared without answering, without knowing + what to think of all this; rising ambition almost turned my head; I was + already prepared to act the intendant myself. My fortune, however, was not + so brilliant as I had imagined, but it was sufficient to maintain me, + which, as I was situated, was a capital acquisition. I shall now explain + the nature of my employment. + </p> + <p> + King Victor Amadeus, judging by the event of preceding wars, and the + situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers, that he should not long + be able to maintain it, wished to drain it beforehand. Resolving, + therefore, to tax the nobility, he ordered a general survey of the whole + country, in order that it might be rendered more equal and productive. + This scheme, which was begun under the father, was completed by the son: + two or three hundred men, part surveyors, who were called geometricians, + and part writers, who were called secretaries, were employed in this work: + among those of the latter description Madam de Warens had got me + appointed. This post, without being very lucrative, furnished the means of + living eligibly in that country; the misfortune was, this employment could + not be of any great duration, but it put me in train to procure something + better, as by this means she hoped to insure the particular protection of + the intendant, who might find me some more settled occupation before this + was concluded. + </p> + <p> + I entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival, and as there + was no great difficulty in the business, soon understood it; thus, after + four or five years of unsettled life, folly, and suffering, since my + departure from Geneva, I began, for the first time, to gain my bread with + credit. + </p> + <p> + These long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling, and I am + sorry for it: though born a man, in a variety of instances, I was long a + child, and am so yet in many particulars. I did not promise the public a + great personage: I promised to describe myself as I am, and to know me in + my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in my youth. As, in + general, objects that are present make less impression on me than the bare + remembrance of them (my ideas being all from recollection), the first + traits which were engraven on my mind have distinctly remained: those + which have since been imprinted there, have rather combined with the + former than effaced them. There is a certain, yet varied succession of + affections and ideas, which continue to regulate those that follow them, + and this progression must be known in order to judge rightly of those they + have influenced. I have studied to develop the first causes, the better to + show the concatenation of effects. I would be able by some means to render + my soul transparent to the eyes of the reader, and for this purpose + endeavor to show it in every possible point of view, to give him every + insight, and act in such a manner, that not a motion should escape him, as + by this means he may form a judgment of the principles that produce them. + </p> + <p> + Did I take upon myself to decide, and say to the reader, “Such is my + character,” he might think that if I did not endeavor to deceive him, I at + least deceived myself; but in recounting simply all that has happened to + me, all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, I cannot lead him into an + error, unless I do it wilfully, which by this means I could not easily + effect, since it is his province to compare the elements, and judge of the + being they compose: thus the result must be his work, and if he is then + deceived the error will be his own. It is not sufficient for this purpose + that my recitals should be merely faithful, they must also be minute; it + is not for me to judge of the importance of facts, I ought to declare them + simply as they are, and leave the estimate that is to be formed of them to + him. I have adhered to this principle hitherto, with the most scrupulous + exactitude, and shall not depart from it in the continuation; but the + impressions of age are less lively than those of youth; I began by + delineating the latter: should I recollect the rest with the same + precision, the reader, may, perhaps, become weary and impatient, but I + shall not be dissatisfied with my labor. I have but one thing to apprehend + in this undertaking: I do not dread saying too much, or advancing + falsities, but I am fearful of not saying enough, or concealing truths. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK V. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t was, I believe, + in 1732, that I arrived at Chambery, as already related, and began my + employment of registering land for the king. I was almost twenty-one, my + mind well enough formed for my age, with respect to sense, but very + deficient in point of judgment, and needing every instruction from those + into whose hands I fell, to make me conduct myself with propriety; for a + few years’ experience had not been able to cure me radically of my + romantic ideas; and notwithstanding the ills I had sustained, I knew as + little of the world, or mankind, as if I had never purchased instruction. + I slept at home, that is, at the house of Madam de Warens; but it was not + as at Annecy: here were no gardens, no brook, no landscape; the house was + dark and dismal, and my apartment the most gloomy of the whole. The + prospect a dead wall, an alley instead of a street, confined air, bad + light, small rooms, iron bars, rats, and a rotten floor; an assemblage of + circumstances that do not constitute a very agreeable habitation; but I + was in the same house with my best friend, incessantly near her, at my + desk, or in chamber, so that I could not perceive the gloominess of my + own, or have time to think of it. It may appear whimsical that she should + reside at Chambery on purpose to live in this disagreeable house; but it + was a trait of contrivance which I ought not to pass over in silence. She + had no great inclination for a journey to Turin, fearing that after the + recent revolutions, and the agitation in which the court yet was, she + should not be very favorably received there; but her affairs seemed to + demand her presence, as she feared being forgotten or ill-treated, + particularly as the Count de Saint-Laurent, Intendent-general of the + Finances, was not in her interest. He had an old house in Chambery, + ill-built, and standing in so disagreeable a situation that it was always + untenanted; she hired, and settled in this house, a plan that succeeded + much better than a journey to Turin would have done, for her pension was + not suppressed, and the Count de Saint-Laurent was ever after one of her + best friends. + </p> + <p> + Her household was much on the old footing; her faithful Claude Anet still + remained with her. He was, as I have before mentioned, a peasant of + Moutru, who in his childhood had gathered herbs in Jura for the purpose of + making Swiss tea; she had taken him into her service for his knowledge of + drugs, finding it convenient to have a herbalist among her domestics. + Passionately fond of the study of plants, he became a real botanist, and + had he not died young, might have acquired as much fame in that science as + he deserved for being an honest man. Serious even to gravity, and older + than myself, he was to me a kind of tutor, commanding respect, and + preserving me from a number of follies, for I dared not forget myself + before him. He commanded it likewise from his mistress, who knew his + understanding, uprightness, and inviolable attachment to herself, and + returned it. Claude Anet was of an uncommon temper. I never encountered a + similar disposition: he was slow, deliberate, and circumspect in his + conduct; cold in his manner; laconic and sententious in his discourse; yet + of an impetuosity in his passions, which (though careful to conceal) + preyed upon him inwardly, and urged him to the only folly he ever + committed; that folly, indeed, was terrible, it was poisoning himself. + This tragic scene passed soon after my arrival, and opened my eyes to the + intimacy that subsisted between Claude Anet and his mistress, for had not + the information come from her, I should never have suspected it; yet, + surely, if attachment, fidelity, and zeal, could merit such a recompense, + it was due to him, and what further proves him worthy such a distinction, + he never once abused her confidence. They seldom disputed, and their + disagreements ever ended amicably; one, indeed, was not so fortunate; his + mistress, in a passion, said something affronting, which not being able to + digest, he consulted only with despair, and finding a bottle of laudanum + at hand, drank it off; then went peaceably to bed, expecting to awake no + more. Madam de Warens herself was uneasy, agitated, wandering about the + house and happily—finding the phial empty—guessed the rest. + Her screams, while flying to his assistance, alarmed me; she confessed + all, implored my help, and was fortunate enough, after repeated efforts, + to make him throw up the laudanum. Witness of this scene, I could not but + wonder at my stupidity in never having suspected the connection; but + Claude Anet was so discreet, that a more penetrating observer might have + been deceived. Their reconciliation affected me, and added respect to the + esteem I before felt for him. From this time I became, in some measure, + his pupil, nor did I find myself the worse for his instruction. + </p> + <p> + I could not learn, without pain, that she lived in greater intimacy with + another than with myself: it was a situation I had not even thought of, + but (which was very natural) it hurt me to see another in possession of + it. Nevertheless, instead of feeling any aversion to the person who had + this advantage over me, I found the attachment I felt for her actually + extend to him. I desired her happiness above all things, and since he was + concerned in her plan of felicity, I was content he should be happy + likewise. Meantime he perfectly entered into the views of his mistress; + conceived a sincere friendship for me, and without affecting the authority + his situation might have entitled him to, he naturally possessed that + which his superior judgment gave him over mine. I dared do nothing he + disproved of, but he was sure to disapprove only what merited + disapprobation: thus we lived in an union which rendered us mutually + happy, and which death alone could dissolve. + </p> + <p> + One proof of the excellence of this amiable woman’s character, is, that + all those who loved her, loved each other; even jealousy and rivalship + submitting to the more powerful sentiment with which she inspired them, + and I never saw any of those who surrounded her entertain the least ill + will among themselves. Let the reader pause a moment on this encomium, and + if he can recollect any other woman who deserves it, let him attach + himself to her, if he would obtain happiness. + </p> + <p> + From my arrival at Chambery to my departure for Paris, 1741, included an + interval of eight or nine years, during which time I have few adventures + to relate; my life being as simple as it was agreeable. This uniformity + was precisely what was most wanting to complete the formation of my + character, which continual troubles had prevented from acquiring any + degree of stability. It was during this pleasing interval, that my + unconnected, unfinished education, gained consistence, and made me what I + have unalterably remained amid the storms with which I have since been + surrounded. + </p> + <p> + The progress was slow, almost imperceptible, and attended by few memorable + circumstances; yet it deserves to be followed and investigated. + </p> + <p> + At first, I was wholly occupied with my business, the constraint of a desk + left little opportunity for other thoughts, the small portion of time I + was at liberty was passed with my dear Madam de Warens, and not having + leisure to read, I felt no inclination for it; but when my business (by + daily repetition) became familiar, and my mind was less occupied, study + again became necessary, and (as my desires were ever irritated by any + difficulty that opposed the indulgence of them) might once more have + become a passion, as at my master’s, had not other inclinations interposed + and diverted it. + </p> + <p> + Though our occupation did not demand a very profound skill in arithmetic, + it sometimes required enough to puzzle me. To conquer this difficulty, I + purchased books which treated on that science, and learned well, for I now + studied alone. Practical arithmetic extends further than is usually + supposed if you would attain exact precision. There are operations of + extreme length in which I have sometimes seen good geometricians lose + themselves. Reflection, assisted by practice, gives clear ideas, and + enables you to devise shorter methods, these inventions flatter our + self-complacency, while their exactitude satisfies our understanding, and + renders a study pleasant, which is, of itself, heavy and unentertaining. + At length I became so expert as not to be puzzled by any question that was + solvable by arithmetical calculation; and even now, while everything I + formerly knew fades daily on my memory, this acquirement, in a great + measure remains, through an interval of thirty years. A few days ago, in a + journey I made to Davenport, being with my host at an arithmetical lesson + given his children, I did (with pleasure, and without errors) a most + complicated work. While setting down my figures, methought I was still at + Chambery, still in my days of happiness—how far had I to look back + for them! + </p> + <p> + The colored plans of our geometricians had given me a taste for drawing: + accordingly I bought colors, and began by attempting flowers and + landscapes. It was unfortunate that I had not talents for this art, for my + inclination was much disposed to it, and while surrounded with crayons, + pencils, and colors, I could have passed whole months without wishing to + leave them. This amusement engaged me so much that they were obliged to + force me from it; and thus it is with every inclination I give into, it + continues to augment, till at length it becomes so powerful, that I lose + sight of everything except the favorite amusement. Years have not been + able to cure me of that fault, nay, have not even diminished it; for while + I am writing this, behold me, like an old dotard, infatuated with another, + to me useless study, which I do not understand, and which even those who + have devoted their youthful days to the acquisition of, are constrained to + abandon, at the age I am beginning with it. + </p> + <p> + At that time, the study I am now speaking of would have been well placed, + the opportunity was good, and I had some temptation to profit by it; for + the satisfaction I saw in the eyes of Anet, when he came home loaded with + new discovered plants, set me two or three times on the point of going to + herbalize with him, and I am almost certain that had I gone once, I should + have been caught, and perhaps at this day might have been an excellent + botanist, for I know no study more congenial to my natural inclination, + than that of plants; the life I have led for these ten years past, in the + country, being little more than a continual herbalizing, though I must + confess, without object, and without improvement; but at the time I am now + speaking of I had no inclination for botany, nay, I even despised, and was + disgusted at the idea, considering it only as a fit study for an + apothecary. Madam de Warens was fond of it merely for this purpose, + seeking none but common plants to use in her medical preparations; thus + botany, chemistry, and anatomy were confounded in my idea under the + general denomination of medicine, and served to furnish me with pleasant + sarcasms the whole day, which procured me, from time to time, a box on the + ear, applied by Madam de Warens. Besides this, a very contrary taste grew + up with me, and by degrees absorbed all others; this was music. I was + certainly born for that science, I loved it from my infancy, and it was + the only inclination I have constantly adhered to; but it is astonishing + that what nature seemed to have designed me for should have cost so much + pains to learn, and that I should acquire it so slowly, that after a whole + life spent in the practice of this art, I could never attain to sing with + any certainty at sight. What rendered the study of music more agreeable to + me at that time, was, being able to practise it with Madam de Warens. In + other respects our tastes were widely different: this was a point of + coincidence, which I loved to avail myself of. She had no more objection + to this than myself. I knew at that time almost as much of it as she did, + and after two or three efforts, we could make shift to decipher an air. + Sometimes, when I saw her busy at her furnace, I have said, “Here now is a + charming duet, which seems made for the very purpose of spoiling your + drugs;” her answer would be, “If you make me burn them, I’ll make you eat + them:” thus disputing, I drew her to the harpsichord; the furnace was + presently forgotten, the extract of juniper or wormwood calcined (which I + cannot recollect without transport), and these scenes usually ended by her + smearing my face with the remains of them. + </p> + <p> + It may easily be conjectured that I had plenty of employment to fill up my + leisure hours; one amusement, however, found room, that was well worth all + the rest. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0162.jpg" alt="0162 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0162.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + We lived in such a confined dungeon, that it was necessary sometimes to + breathe the open air; Anet, therefore, engaged Madam de Warens to hire a + garden in the suburbs, both for this purpose and the convenience of + rearing plants, etc.; to this garden was added a summer-house, which was + furnished in the customary manner; we sometimes dined, and I frequently + slept, there. Insensibly I became attached to this little retreat, + decorated it with books and prints, spending part of my time in + ornamenting it during the absence of Madam de Warens, that I might + surprise her the more agreeably on her return. Sometimes I quitted this + dear friend, that I might enjoy the uninterrupted pleasure of thinking on + her; this was a caprice I can neither excuse nor fully explain, I only + know this really was the case, and therefore I avow it. I remember Madam + de Luxembourg told me one day in raillery, of a man who used to leave his + mistress that he might enjoy the satisfaction of writing to her; I + answered, I could have been this man; I might have added, That I had done + the very same. + </p> + <p> + I did not, however, find it necessary to leave Madam de Warens that I + might love her the more ardently, for I was ever as perfectly free with + her as when alone; an advantage I never enjoyed with any other person, man + or woman, however I might be attached to them; but she was so often + surrounded by company who were far from pleasing me, that spite and + weariness drove me to this asylum, where I could indulge the idea, without + danger of being interrupted by impertinence. Thus, my time being divided + between business, pleasure, and instruction, my life passed in the most + absolute serenity. Europe was not equally tranquil: France and the emperor + had mutually declared war, the King of Sardinia had entered into the + quarrel, and a French army had filed off into Piedmont to awe the + Milanese. Our division passed through Chambery, and, among others, the + regiment of Champaigne, whose colonel was the Duke de la Trimouille, to + whom I was presented. He promised many things, but doubtless never more + thought of me. Our little garden was exactly at the end of the suburb by + which the troops entered, so that I could fully satisfy my curiosity in + seeing them pass, and I became as anxious for the success of the war as if + it had nearly concerned me. Till now I had never troubled myself about + politics, for the first time I began reading the gazettes, but with so + much partiality on the side of France, that my heart beat with rapture on + its most trifling advantages, and I was as much afflicted on a reverse of + fortune, as if I had been particularly concerned. + </p> + <p> + Had this folly been transient, I should not, perhaps, have mentioned it, + but it took such root in my heart (without any reasonable cause) that when + I afterwards acted the anti-despot and proud republican at Paris, in spite + of myself, I felt a secret predilection for the nation I declared servile, + and for that government I affected to oppose. The pleasantest of all was + that, ashamed of an inclination so contrary to my professed maxims, I + dared not own it to any one, but rallied the French on their defeats, + while my heart was more wounded than their own. I am certainly the first + man, that, living with a people who treated him well, and whom he almost + adored, put on, even in their own country, a borrowed air of despising + them; yet my original inclination is so powerful, constant, disinterested, + and invincible, that even since my quitting that kingdom, since its + government, magistrates, and authors, have outvied each other in rancor + against me, since it has become fashionable to load me with injustice and + abuse, I have not been able to get rid of this folly, but notwithstanding + their ill-treatment, love them in spite of myself. + </p> + <p> + I long sought the cause of this partiality, but was never able to find + any, except in the occasion that gave it birth. A rising taste for + literature attached me to French books, to their authors, and their + country: at the very moment the French troops were passing Chambery, I was + reading Brantome’s ‘Celebrated Captains’; my head was full of the + Clissons, Bayards, Lautrecs, Colignys, Montmorenceys, and Trimouille, and + I loved their descendants as the heirs of their merit and courage. In each + regiment that passed by methought I saw those famous black bands who had + formerly done so many noble exploits in Piedmont; in fine, I applied to + these all the ideas I had gathered from books; my reading continued, + which, still drawn from the same nation, nourished my affection for that + country, till, at length, it became a blind passion, which nothing could + overcome. I have had occasion to remark several times in the course of my + travels, that this impression was not peculiar to me for France, but was + more or less active in every country, for that part of the nation who were + fond of literature, and cultivated learning; and it was this consideration + that balanced in my mind the general hatred which the conceited air of the + French is so apt to inspire. Their romances, more than their men, attract + the women of all countries, and the celebrated dramatic pieces of France + create a fondness in youth for their theaters; the reputation which that + of Paris in particular has acquired, draws to it crowds of strangers, who + return enthusiasts to their own country: in short, the excellence of their + literature captivates the senses, and in the unfortunate war just ended, I + have seen their authors and philosophers maintain the glory of France, so + tarnished by its warriors. + </p> + <p> + I was, therefore, an ardent Frenchman; this rendered me a politician, and + I attended in the public square, amid a throng of news-mongers, the + arrival of the post, and, sillier than the ass in the fable, was very + uneasy to know whose packsaddle I should next have the honor to carry, for + it was then supposed we should belong to France, and that Savoy would be + exchanged for Milan. I must confess, however, that I experienced some + uneasiness, for had this war terminated unfortunately for the allies, the + pension of Madam de Warens would have been in a dangerous situation; + nevertheless, I had great confidence in my good friends, the French, and + for once (in spite of the surprise of M. de Broglio) my confidence was not + ill-founded—thanks to the King of Sardinia, whom I had never thought + of. + </p> + <p> + While we were fighting in Italy, they were singing in France: the operas + of Rameau began to make a noise there, and once more raise the credit of + his theoretic works, which, from their obscurity, were within the compass + of very few understandings. By chance I heard of his ‘Treatise on + Harmony’, and had no rest till I purchased it. By another chance I fell + sick; my illness was inflammatory, short and violent, but my convalescence + was tedious, for I was unable to go abroad for a whole month. During this + time I eagerly ran over my Treatise on Harmony, but it was so long, so + diffuse, and so badly disposed, that I found it would require a + considerable time to unravel it: accordingly I suspended my inclination, + and recreated my sight with music. + </p> + <p> + The cantatas of Bernier were what I principally exercised myself with. + These were never out of my mind; I learned four or five by heart, and + among the rest, ‘The Sleeping Cupids’, which I have never seen since that + time, though I still retain it almost entirely; as well as ‘Cupid Stung by + a Bee’, a very pretty cantata by Clerambault, which I learned about the + same time. + </p> + <p> + To complete me, there arrived a young organist from Valdoste, called the + Abbe Palais, a good musician and an agreeable companion, who performed + very well on the harpsichord; I got acquainted with him, and we soon + became inseparable. He had been brought up by an Italian monk, who was a + capital organist. He explained to me his principles of music, which I + compared with Rameau; my head was filled with accompaniments, concords and + harmony, but as it was necessary to accustom the ear to all this, I + proposed to Madam de Warens having a little concert once a month, to which + she consented. + </p> + <p> + Behold me then so full of this concert, that night or day I could think of + nothing else, and it actually employed a great part of my time to select + the music, assemble the musicians, look to the instruments, and write out + the several parts. Madam de Warens sang; Father Cato (whom I have before + mentioned, and shall have occasion to speak of again) sang likewise; a + dancing-master named Roche, and his son, played on the violin; Canavas, a + Piedmontese musician (who was employed like myself in the survey, and has + since married at Paris), played on the violoncello; the Abbe Palais + performed on the harpsichord, and I had the honor to conduct the whole. It + may be supposed all this was charming; I cannot say it equalled my concert + at Monsieur de Tretoren’s, but certainly it was not far behind it. + </p> + <p> + This little concert, given by Madam de Warens, the new convert, who lived + (it was expressed) on the king’s charity, made the whole tribe of devotees + murmur, but was a very agreeable amusement to several worthy people, at + the head of whom it would not be easily surmised that I should place a + monk; yet, though a monk, a man of considerable merit, and even of a very + amiable disposition, whose subsequent misfortunes gave me the most lively + concern, and whose idea, attached to that of my happy days, is yet dear to + my memory. I speak of Father Cato, a Cordelier, who, in conjunction with + the Count d’Ortan, had caused the music of poor Le Maitre to be seized at + Lyons; which action was far from being the brightest trait in his history. + He was a Bachelor of Sorbonne, had lived long in Paris among the great + world, and was particularly caressed by the Marquis d’Antremont, then + Ambassador from Sardinia. He was tall and well made; full faced, with very + fine eyes, and black hair, which formed natural curls on each side of his + forehead. His manner was at once noble, open, and modest; he presented + himself with ease and good manners, having neither the hypocritical nor + impudent behavior of a monk, or the forward assurance of a fashionable + coxcomb, but the manners of a well-bred man, who, without blushing for his + habit, set a value on himself, and ever felt in his proper situation when + in good company. Though Father Cato was not deeply studied for a doctor, + he was much so for a man of the world, and not being compelled to show his + talents, he brought them forward so advantageously that they appeared + greater than they really were. Having lived much in the world, he had + rather attached himself to agreeable acquirements than to solid learning; + had sense, made verses, spoke well, sang better, and aided his good voice + by playing on the organ and harpsichord. So many pleasing qualities were + not necessary to make his company sought after, and, accordingly, it was + very much so, but this did not make him neglect the duties of his + function: he was chosen (in spite of his jealous competitors) Definitor of + his Province, or, according to them, one of the greatest pillars of their + order. + </p> + <p> + Father Cato became acquainted with Madam de Warens at the Marquis of + Antremont’s; he had heard of her concerts, wished to assist at them, and + by his company rendered our meetings truly agreeable. We were soon + attached to each other by our mutual taste for music, which in both was a + most lively passion, with this difference, that he was really a musician, + and myself a bungler. Sometimes assisted by Canavas and the Abbe Palais, + we had music in his apartment; or on holidays at his organ, and frequently + dined with him; for, what was very astonishing in a monk, he was generous, + profuse, and loved good cheer, without the least tincture of greediness. + After our concerts, he always used to stay to supper, and these evenings + passed with the greatest gayety and good-humor; we conversed with the + utmost freedom, and sang duets; I was perfectly at my ease, had sallies of + wit and merriment; Father Cato was charming, Madam de Warens adorable, and + the Abbe Palais, with his rough voice, was the butt of the company. + Pleasing moments of sportive youth, how long since have ye fled! + </p> + <p> + As I shall have no more occasion to speak of poor Father Cato, I will here + conclude in a few words his melancholy history. His brother monks, + jealous, or rather exasperated to discover in him a merit and elegance of + manners which favored nothing of monastic stupidity, conceived the most + violent hatred to him, because he was not as despicable as themselves; the + chiefs, therefore, combined against this worthy man, and set on the + envious rabble of monks, who otherwise would not have dared to hazard the + attack. He received a thousand indignities; they degraded him from his + office, took away the apartment which he had furnished with elegant + simplicity, and, at length, banished him, I know not whither: in short, + these wretches overwhelmed him with so many evils, that his honest and + proud soul sank under the pressure, and, after having been the delight of + the most amiable societies, he died of grief, on a wretched bed, hid in + some cell or dungeon, lamented by all worthy people of his acquaintance, + who could find no fault in him, except his being a monk. + </p> + <p> + Accustomed to this manner of life for some time, I became so entirely + attached to music that I could think of nothing else. I went to my + business with disgust, the necessary confinement and assiduity appeared an + insupportable punishment, which I at length wished to relinquish, that I + might give myself up without reserve to my favorite amusement. It will be + readily believed that this folly met with some opposition; to give up a + creditable employment and fixed salary to run after uncertain scholars was + too giddy a plan to be approved of by Madam de Warens, and even supposing + my future success should prove as great as I flattered myself, it was + fixing very humble limits to my ambition to think of reducing myself for + life to the condition of a music-master. She, who formed for me the + brightest projects, and no longer trusted implicitly to the judgment of M. + d’Aubonne, seeing with concern that I was so seriously occupied with a + talent which she thought frivolous, frequently repeated to me that + provincial proverb, which does not hold quite so good in Paris, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Qui biens chante et biens dance, + fait un metier qui peu avance.” + + [He who can sweetly sing and featly dance, + His interests right little shall advance.] +</pre> + <p> + On the other hand, she saw me hurried away by this irresistible passion, + my taste for music having become a furor, and it was much to be feared + that my employment, suffering by my distraction, might draw on me a + discharge, which would be worse than a voluntary resignation. I + represented to her; that this employment could not last long, that it was + necessary I should have some permanent means of subsistence, and that it + would be much better to complete by practice the acquisition of that art + to which my inclination led me than to make fresh essays, which possibly + might not succeed, since by this means, having passed the age most proper + for improvement, I might be left without a single resource for gaining a + livelihood: in short, I extorted her consent more by importunity and + caresses than by any satisfactory reasons. Proud of my success, I + immediately ran to thank M. Coccelli, Director-General of the Survey, as + though I had performed the most heroic action, and quitted my employment + without cause, reason, or pretext, with as much pleasure as I had accepted + it two years before. + </p> + <p> + This step, ridiculous as it may appear, procured me a kind of + consideration, which I found extremely useful. Some supposed I had + resources which I did not possess; others, seeing me totally given up to + music, judged of my abilities by the sacrifice I had made, and concluded + that with such a passion for the art, I must possess it in a superior + degree. In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings. I passed + here for an excellent master, because all the rest were very bad ones. + Possessing taste in singing, and being favored by my age and figure, I + soon procured more scholars than were sufficient to compensate for the + losses of my secretary’s pay. It is certain, that had it been reasonable + to consider the pleasure of my situation only, it was impossible to pass + more speedily from one extreme to the other. At our measuring, I was + confined eight hours in the day to the most unentertaining employment, + with yet more disagreeable company. Shut up in a melancholy + counting-house, empoisoned by the smell and respiration of a number of + clowns, the major part of whom were ill-combed and very dirty, what with + attention, bad air, constraint and weariness, I was sometimes so far + overcome as to occasion a vertigo. Instead of this, behold me admitted + into the fashionable world, sought after in the first houses, and + everywhere received with an air of satisfaction; amiable and gay young + ladies awaiting my arrival, and welcoming me with pleasure; I see nothing + but charming objects, smell nothing but roses and orange flowers; singing, + chatting, laughter, and amusements, perpetually succeed each other. It + must be allowed, that reckoning all these advantages, no hesitation was + necessary in the choice; in fact, I was so content with mine, that I never + once repented it; nor do I even now, when, free from the irrational + motives that influenced me at that time, I weigh in the scale of reason + every action of my life. + </p> + <p> + This is, perhaps, the only time that, listening to inclination, I was not + deceived in my expectations. The easy access, obliging temper, and free + humor of this country, rendered a commerce with the world agreeable, and + the inclination I then felt for it, proves to me, that if I have a dislike + for society, it is more their fault than mine. It is a pity the Savoyards + are not rich: though, perhaps, it would be a still greater pity if they + were so, for altogether they are the best, the most sociable people that I + know, and if there is a little city in the world where the pleasures of + life are experienced in an agreeable and friendly commerce, it is at + Chambery. The gentry of the province who assemble there have only + sufficient wealth to live and not enough to spoil them; they cannot give + way to ambition, but follow, through necessity, the counsel of Cyneas, + devoting their youth to a military employment, and returning home to grow + old in peace; an arrangement over which honor and reason equally preside. + The women are handsome, yet do not stand in need of beauty, since they + possess all those qualifications which enhance its value and even supply + the want of it. It is remarkable, that being obliged by my profession to + see a number of young girls, I do not recollect one at Chambery but what + was charming: it will be said I was disposed to find them so, and perhaps + there may be some truth in the surmise. I cannot remember my young + scholars without pleasure. Why, in naming the most amiable, cannot I + recall them and myself also to that happy age in which our moments, + pleasing as innocent, were passed with such happiness together? The first + was Mademoiselle de Mallarede, my neighbor, and sister to a pupil of + Monsieur Gaime. She was a fine clear brunette, lively and graceful, + without giddiness; thin as girls of that age usually are; but her bright + eyes, fine shape, and easy air, rendered her sufficiently pleasing with + that degree of plumpness which would have given a heightening to her + charms. I went there of mornings, when she was usually in her dishabille, + her hair carelessly turned up, and, on my arrival, ornamented with a + flower, which was taken off at my departure for her hair to be dressed. + There is nothing I fear so much as a pretty woman in an elegant + dishabille; I should dread them a hundred times less in full dress. + Mademoiselle de Menthon, whom I attended in the afternoon, was ever so. + She made an equally pleasing, but quite different impression on me. Her + hair was flaxen, her person delicate, she was very timid and extremely + fair, had a clear voice, capable of just modulation, but which she had not + courage to employ to its full extent. She had the mark of a scald on her + bosom, which a scanty piece of blue chenille did not entirely cover, this + scar sometimes drew my attention, though not absolutely on its own + account. Mademoiselle des Challes, another of my neighbors, was a woman + grown, tall, well-formed, jolly, very pleasing though not a beauty, and + might be quoted for her gracefulness, equal temper, and good humor. Her + sister, Madam de Charly, the handsomest woman of Chambery, did not learn + music, but I taught her daughter, who was yet young, but whose growing + beauty promised to equal her mother’s, if she had not unfortunately been a + little red-haired. I had likewise among my scholars a little French lady, + whose name I have forgotten, but who merits a place in my list of + preferences. She had adopted the slow drawling tone of the nuns, in which + voice she would utter some very keen things, which did not in the least + appear to correspond with her manner; but she was indolent, and could not + generally take pains to show her wit, that being a favor she did not grant + to every one. After a month or two of negligent attendance, this was an + expedient she devised to make me more assiduous, for I could not easily + persuade myself to be so. When with my scholars, I was fond enough of + teaching, but could not bear the idea of being obliged to attend at a + particular hour; constraint and subjection in every shape are to me + insupportable, and alone sufficient to make me hate even pleasure itself. + </p> + <p> + I had some scholars likewise among the tradespeople, and, among others, + one who was the indirect cause of a change of relationship, which (as I + have promised to declare all) I must relate in its place. She was the + daughter of a grocer, and was called Mademoiselle de Larnage, a perfect + model for a Grecian statue, and whom I should quote for the handsomest + girl I have ever seen, if true beauty could exist without life or soul. + Her indolence, reserve, and insensibility were inconceivable; it was + equally impossible to please or make her angry, and I am convinced that + had any one formed a design upon her virtue, he might have succeeded, not + through her inclination, but from her stupidity. Her mother, who would run + no risk of this, did not leave her a single moment. In having her taught + to sing and providing a young master, she had hoped to enliven her, but it + all proved ineffectual. While the master was admiring the daughter, the + mother was admiring the master, but this was equally lost labor. Madam de + Larnage added to her natural vivacity that portion of sprightliness which + should have belonged to the daughter. She was a little, ugly, lively + trollop, with small twinkling ferret eyes, and marked with smallpox. On my + arrival in the morning, I always found my coffee and cream ready, and the + mother never failed to welcome me with a kiss on the lips, which I would + willingly have returned the daughter, to see how she would have received + it. All this was done with such an air of carelessness and simplicity, + that even when M. de Larnage was present, her kisses and caresses were not + omitted. He was a good quiet fellow, the true original of his daughter; + nor did his wife endeavor to deceive him, because there was absolutely no + occasion for it. + </p> + <p> + I received all these caresses with my usual stupidity, taking them only + for marks of pure friendship, though they were sometimes troublesome; for + the lively Madam Lard was displeased, if, during the day, I passed the + shop without calling; it became necessary, therefore (when I had no time + to spare), to go out of my way through another street, well knowing it was + not so easy to quit her house as to enter it. + </p> + <p> + Madam Lard thought so much of me, that I could not avoid thinking + something of her. Her attentions affected me greatly; and I spoke of them + to Madam de Warens, without supposing any mystery in the matter, but had + there been one I should equally have divulged it, for to have kept a + secret of any kind from her would have been impossible. My heart lay as + open to Madam de Warens as to Heaven. She did not understand the matter + quite so simply as I had done, but saw advances where I only discovered + friendship. She concluded that Madam Lard would make a point of not + leaving me as great a fool as she found me, and, some way or other, + contrive to make herself understood; but exclusive of the consideration + that it was not just, that another should undertake the instruction of her + pupil, she had motives more worthy of her, wishing to guard me against the + snares to which my youth and inexperience exposed me. Meantime, a more + dangerous temptation offered which I likewise escaped, but which proved to + her that such a succession of dangers required every preservative she + could possibly apply. + </p> + <p> + The Countess of Menthon, mother to one of my scholars, was a woman of + great wit, and reckoned to possess, at least, an equal share of mischief, + having (as was reported) caused a number of quarrels, and, among others, + one that terminated fatally for the house of D’Antremont. Madam de Warens + had seen enough of her to know her character: for having (very innocently) + pleased some person to whom Madam de Menthon had pretensions, she found + her guilty of the crime of this preference, though Madam de Warens had + neither sought after nor accepted it, and from that moment endeavored to + play her rival a number of ill turns, none of which succeeded. I shall + relate one of the most whimsical, by way of specimen. + </p> + <p> + They were together in the country, with several gentlemen of the + neighborhood, and among the rest the lover in question. Madam de Menthon + took an opportunity to say to one of these gentlemen, that Madam de Warens + was a prude, that she dressed ill, and particularly that she covered her + neck like a tradeswoman. “O, for that matter,” replied the person she was + speaking to (who was fond of a joke), “she has good reason, for I know she + is marked with a great ugly rat on her bosom, so naturally, that it even + appears to be running.” Hatred, as well as love, renders its votaries + credulous. Madam de Menthon resolved to make use of this discovery, and + one day, while Madam de Warens was at cards with this lady’s ungrateful + favorite, she contrived, in passing behind her rival, almost to overset + the chair she sat on, and at the same instant, very dexterously displaced + her handkerchief; but instead of this hideous rat, the gentleman beheld a + far different object, which it was not more easy to forget than to obtain + a sight of, and which by no means answered the intentions of the lady. + </p> + <p> + I was not calculated to engross the attention of Madam de Menthon, who + loved to be surrounded by brilliant company; notwithstanding she bestowed + some attention on me, not for the sake of my person, which she certainly + did not regard, but for the reputation of wit which I had acquired, and + which might have rendered me convenient to her predominant inclination. + She had a very lively passion for ridicule, and loved to write songs and + lampoons on those who displeased her: had she found me possessed of + sufficient talents to aid the fabrication of her verses, and complaisance + enough to do so, we should presently have turned Chambery upside down; + these libels would have been traced to their source, Madam de Menthon + would have saved herself by sacrificing me, and I should have been cooped + up in prison, perhaps, for the rest of my life, as a recompense for having + figured away as the Apollo of the ladies. Fortunately, nothing of this + kind happened; Madam de Menthon made me stay for dinner two or three days, + to chat with me, and soon found I was too dull for her purpose. I felt + this myself, and was humiliated at the discovery, envying the talents of + my friend Venture; though I should rather have been obliged to my + stupidity for keeping me out of the reach of danger. I remained, + therefore, Madam de Menthon’s daughter’s singing-master, and nothing more! + but I lived happily, and was ever well received at Chambery, which was a + thousand times more desirable than passing for a wit with her, and for a + serpent with everybody else. + </p> + <p> + However this might be, Madam de Warens conceived it necessary to guard me + from the perils of youth by treating me as a man: this she immediately set + about, but in the most extraordinary manner that any woman, in similar + circumstances, ever devised. I all at once observed that her manner was + graver, and her discourse more moral than usual. To the playful gayety + with which she used to intermingle her instructions suddenly succeeded an + uniformity of manner, neither familiar nor severe, but which seemed to + prepare me for some explanation. After having vainly racked my brain for + the reason of this change, I mentioned it to her; this she had expected + and immediately proposed a walk to our garden the next day. Accordingly we + went there the next morning; she had contrived that we should remain alone + the whole day, which she employed in preparing me for those favors she + meant to bestow; not as another woman would have done, by toying and + folly, but by discourses full of sentiment and reason, rather tending to + instruct than seduce, and which spoke more to my heart than to my senses. + Meantime, however excellent and to the purpose these discourses might be, + and though far enough from coldness or melancholy, I did not listen to + them with all the attention they merited, nor fix them in my memory as I + should have done at any other time. That air of preparation which she had + adopted gave me a degree of inquietude; while she spoke (in spite of + myself) I was thoughtful and absent, attending less to what she said than + curious to know what she aimed at; and no sooner had I comprehended her + design (which I could not easily do) than the novelty of the idea, which, + during all the years I had passed with her, had never once entered my + imagination, took such entire possession of me that I was no longer + capable of minding what she said! I only thought of her; I heard her no + longer. + </p> + <p> + Thinking to render young minds attentive to reason by proposing some + highly interesting object as the result of it, is an error instructors + frequently run into, and one which I have not avoided in my Umilius. The + young pupil, struck with the object presented to him, is occupied only + with that, and leaping lightly over your preliminary discourses, lights at + once on the point, to which, in his idea, you lead him too tediously. To + render him attentive, he must be prevented from seeing the whole of your + design; and, in this particular, Madam de Warens did not act with + sufficient precaution. + </p> + <p> + By a singularity which adhered to her systematic disposition, she took the + vain precaution of proposing conditions; but the moment I knew the + purchase, I no longer even heard them, but immediately consented to + everything; and I doubt whether there is a man on the whole earth who + would have been sincere or courageous enough to dispute terms, or one + single woman who would have pardoned such a dispute. By a continuation of + the same whimsicality, she attached a number of the gravest formalities to + the acquisition of her favors, and gave me eight days to think of them, + which I assured her I had no need of, though that assurance was far from a + truth: for to complete this assemblage of singularities, I was very glad + to have this intermission; so much had the novelty of these ideas struck + me, and such disorder did I feel in mine, that it required time to arrange + them. + </p> + <p> + It will be supposed, that these eight days appeared to me as many ages; on + the contrary, I should have been very glad had the time been lengthened. I + find it difficult to describe the state I found myself in; it was a + strange chaos of fear and impatience, dreading what I desired, and + studying some civil pretext to evade my happiness. + </p> + <p> + Let the warmth of my constitution be remembered, my age, and my heart + intoxicated with love; let my tender attachment to her be supposed, which, + far from having diminished, had daily gained additional strength; let it + be considered that I was only happy when with her, that my heart was full, + not only of her bounty, of her amiable disposition, but of her shape, of + her person, of herself; in a word, conceive me united to her by every + affinity that could possibly render her dear; nor let it be supposed, + that, being ten or twelve years older than myself, she began to grow an + old woman, or was so in my opinion. From the time the first sight of her + had made such an impression on me, she had really altered very little, + and, in my mind, not at all. To me she was ever charming, and was still + thought so by everyone. She had got something jollier, but had the same + fine eyes, the same clear complexion, the same features, the same + beautiful light hair, the sane gayety, and even the same voice, whose + youthful and silvery sound made so lively an impression on my heart, that, + even to this day, I cannot hear a young woman’s voice, that is at all + harmonious, without emotion. It will be seen, that in a more advanced age, + the bare idea of some trifling favors I had to expect from the person I + loved, inflamed me so far, that I could not support, with any degree of + patience, the time necessary to traverse the short space that separated + us; how then, by what miracle, when in the flower of my youth, had I so + little impatience for a happiness I had never tasted but in idea? How + could I see the moment advancing with more pain than pleasure? Why, + instead of transports that should have intoxicated me with their + deliciousness, did I experience only fears and repugnance? I have no doubt + that if I could have avoided this happiness with any degree of decency, I + should have relinquished it with all my heart. I have promised a number of + extravagancies in the history of my attachment to her; this certainly is + one that no idea could be formed of. + </p> + <p> + The reader (already disgusted) supposes, that being in the situation I + have before described with Claude Anet, she was already degraded in my + opinion by this participation of her favors, and that a sentiment of + disesteem weakened those she had before inspired me with; but he is + mistaken. ‘Tis true that this participation gave me a cruel uneasiness, as + well from a very natural sentiment of delicacy, as because it appeared + unworthy both of her and myself; but as to my sentiments for her, they + were still the same, and I can solemnly aver, that I never loved her more + tenderly than when I felt so little propensity to avail myself of her + condescension. I was too well acquainted with the chastity of her heart + and the iciness of her constitution, to suppose a moment that the + gratification of the senses had any influence over her; I was well + convinced that her only motive was to guard me from dangers, which + appeared otherwise inevitable, by this extraordinary favor, which she did + not consider in the same light that women usually do; as will presently be + explained. + </p> + <p> + The habit of living a long time innocently together, far from weakening + the first sentiments I felt for her, had contributed to strengthen them, + giving a more lively, a more tender, but at the same time a less sensual, + turn to my affection. Having ever accustomed myself to call her Mama (as + formerly observed) and enjoying the familiarity of a son, it became + natural to consider myself as such, and I am inclined to think this was + the true reason of that insensibility with a person I so tenderly loved; + for I can perfectly recollect that my emotions on first seeing her, though + not more lively, were more voluptuous: At Annecy I was intoxicated, at + Chambery I possessed my reason. I always loved her as passionately as + possible, but I now loved her more for herself and less on my own account; + or, at least, I rather sought for happiness than pleasure in her company. + She was more to me than a sister, a mother, a friend, or even than a + mistress, and for this very reason she was not a mistress; in a word, I + loved her too much to desire her. + </p> + <p> + This day, more dreaded than hoped for, at length arrived. I have before + observed, that I promised everything that was required of me, and I kept + my word: my heart confirmed my engagements without desiring the fruits, + though at length I obtained them. Was I happy? No: I felt I know not what + invincible sadness which empoisoned my happiness, it seemed that I had + committed an incest, and two or three times, pressing her eagerly in my + arms, I deluged her bosom with my tears. On her part, as she had never + sought pleasure, she had not the stings of remorse. + </p> + <p> + I repeat it, all her failings were the effect of her errors, never of her + passions. She was well born, her heart was pure, her manners noble, her + desires regular and virtuous, her taste delicate; she seemed formed for + that elegant purity of manners which she ever loved, but never practised, + because instead of listening to the dictates of her heart, she followed + those of her reason, which led her astray: for when once corrupted by + false principles it will ever run counter to its natural sentiments. + Unhappily, she piqued herself on philosophy, and the morals she drew from + thence clouded the genuine purity of her heart. + </p> + <p> + M. Tavel, her first lover, was also her instructor in this philosophy, and + the principles he instilled into her mind were such as tended to seduce + her. Finding her cold and impregnable on the side of her passions, and + firmly attached to her husband and her duty, he attacked her by sophisms, + endeavoring to prove that the list of duties she thought so sacred, was + but a sort of catechism, fit only for children. That the kind of + infidelity she thought so terrible, was, in itself, absolutely + indifferent; that all the morality of conjugal faith consisted in opinion, + the contentment of husbands being the only reasonable rule of duty in + wives; consequently that concealed infidelities, doing no injury, could be + no crime; in a word, he persuaded her that the sin consisted only in the + scandal, that woman being really virtuous who took care to appear so. Thus + the deceiver obtained his end in the subverting the reason of a girl; + whose heart he found it impossible to corrupt, and received his punishment + in a devouring jealousy, being persuaded she would treat him as he had + prevailed on her to treat her husband. + </p> + <p> + I don’t know whether he was mistaken in this respect: the Minister Perret + passed for his successor; all I know, is, that the coldness of temperament + which it might have been supposed would have kept her from embracing this + system, in the end prevented her from renouncing it. She could not + conceive how so much importance should be given to what seemed to have + none for her; nor could she honor with the name of virtue, an abstinence + which would have cost her little. + </p> + <p> + She did not, therefore, give in to this false principle on her own + account, but for the sake of others; and that from another maxim almost as + false as the former, but more consonant to the generosity of her + disposition. + </p> + <p> + She was persuaded that nothing could attach a man so truly to any woman as + an unbounded freedom, and though she was only susceptible of friendship, + this friendship was so tender, that she made use of every means which + depended on her to secure the objects of it, and, which is very + extraordinary, almost always succeeded: for she was so truly amiable, that + an increase of intimacy was sure to discover additional reasons to love + and respect her. Another thing worthy of remark is, that after her first + folly, she only favored the unfortunate. Lovers in a more brilliant + station lost their labor with her, but the man who at first attracted her + pity, must have possessed very few good qualities if in the end he did not + obtain her affection. Even when she made an unworthy choice, far from + proceeding from base inclinations (which were strangers to her noble + heart) it was the effect of a disposition too generous, humane, + compassionate, and sensible, which she did not always govern with + sufficient discernment. + </p> + <p> + If some false principles misled her, how many admirable ones did she not + possess, which never forsook her! By how many virtues did she atone for + her failings! if we can call by that name errors in which the senses had + so little share. The man who in one particular deceived her so completely, + had given her excellent instructions in a thousand others; and her + passions, being far from turbulent, permitted her to follow the dictates. + She ever acted wisely when her sophisms did not intervene, and her designs + were laudable even in her failings. False principles might lead her to do + ill, but she never did anything which she conceived to be wrong. She + abhorred lying and duplicity, was just, equitable, humane, disinterested, + true to her word, her friends, and those duties which she conceived to be + such; incapable of hatred or revenge, and not even conceiving there was a + merit in pardoning; in fine (to return to those qualities which were less + excusable), though she did not properly value, she never made a vile + commerce of her favors; she lavished, but never sold them, though + continually reduced to expedients for a subsistence: and I dare assert, + that if Socrates could esteem Aspasia, he would have respected Madam de + Warens. + </p> + <p> + I am well aware that ascribing sensibility of heart with coldness of + temperament to the same person, I shall generally, and with great + appearance of reason, be accused of a contradiction. Perhaps Nature + sported or blundered, and this combination ought not to have existed; I + only know it did exist. All those who know Madam de Warens (a great number + of whom are yet living) have had opportunities of knowing this was a fact; + I dare even aver she had but one pleasure in the world, which was serving + those she loved. Let every one argue on the point as he pleases, and + gravely prove that this cannot be; my business is to declare the truth, + and not to enforce a belief of it. + </p> + <p> + I became acquainted with the particulars I have just related, in those + conversations which succeeded our union, and alone rendered it delicious. + She was right when she concluded her complaisance would be useful to me; I + derived great advantages from it in point of useful instruction. Hitherto + she had used me as a child, she now began to treat me as a man, and + entertain me with accounts of herself. Everything she said was so + interesting, and I was so sensibly touched with it, that, reasoning with + myself, I applied these confidential relations to my own improvement and + received more instruction from them than from her teaching. When we truly + feel that the heart speaks, our own opens to receive its instructions, nor + can all the pompous morality of a pedagogue have half the effect that is + produced by the tender, affectionate, and artless conversation of a + sensible woman on him who loves her. + </p> + <p> + The intimacy in which I lived with Madam de Warens, having placed me more + advantageously in her opinion than formerly, she began to think + (notwithstanding my awkward manner) that I deserved cultivation for the + polite world, and that if I could one day show myself there in an eligible + situation, I should soon be able to make my way. In consequence of this + idea, she set about forming not only my judgment, but my address, + endeavoring to render me amiable, as well as estimable; and if it is true + that success in this world is consistent with strict virtue (which, for my + part, I do not believe), I am certain there is no other road than that she + had taken, and wished to point out to me. For Madam de Warens knew + mankind, and understood exquisitely well the art of treating all ranks, + without falsehood, and without imprudence, neither deceiving nor provoking + them; but this art was rather in her disposition than her precepts, she + knew better how to practise than explain it, and I was of all the world + the least calculated to become master of such an attainment; accordingly, + the means employed for this purpose were nearly lost labor, as well as the + pains she took to procure me a fencing and a dancing master. + </p> + <p> + Though very well made, I could never learn to dance a minuet; for being + plagued with corns, I had acquired a habit of walking on my heels, which + Roche, the dancing master, could never break me of. It was still worse at + the fencing-school, where, after three months’ practice, I made but very + little progress, and could never attempt fencing with any but my master. + My wrist was not supple enough, nor my arm sufficiently firm to retain the + foil, whenever he chose to make it fly out of my hand. Add to this, I had + a mortal aversion both to the art itself and to the person who undertook + to teach it to me, nor should I ever have imagined, that anyone could have + been so proud of the science of sending men out of the world. To bring + this vast genius within the compass of my comprehension, he explained + himself by comparisons drawn from music, which he understood nothing of. + He found striking analogies between a hit in ‘quarte’ or ‘tierce’ with the + intervals of music which bears those names: when he made a feint he cried + out, “take care of this ‘diesis’,” because anciently they called the + ‘diesis’ a feint: and when he had made the foil fly from my hand, he would + add, with a sneer, that this was a pause: in a word, I never in my life + saw a more insupportable pedant. + </p> + <p> + I made, therefore, but little progress in my exercises, which I presently + quitted from pure disgust; but I succeeded better in an art of a thousand + times more value, namely, that of being content with my situation, and not + desiring one more brilliant, for which I began to be persuaded that Nature + had not designed me. Given up to the endeavor of rendering Madam de Warens + happy, I was ever best pleased when in her company, and, notwithstanding + my fondness for music, began to grudge the time I employed in giving + lessons to my scholars. + </p> + <p> + I am ignorant whether Anet perceived the full extent of our union; but I + am inclined to think he was no stranger to it. He was a young man of great + penetration, and still greater discretion; who never belied his + sentiments, but did not always speak them: without giving me the least + hint that he was acquainted with our intimacy, he appeared by his conduct + to be so; nor did this moderation proceed from baseness of soul, but, + having entered entirely into the principles of his mistress, he could not + reasonably disapprove of the natural consequences of them. Though as young + as herself, he was so grave and thoughtful, that he looked on us as two + children who required indulgence, and we regarded him as a respectable + man, whose esteem we had to preserve. It was not until after she was + unfaithful to Anet, that I learned the strength of her attachment to him. + She was fully sensible that I only thought, felt, or lived for her; she + let me see, therefore, how much she loved Anet, that I might love him + likewise, and dwell less on her friendship, than on her esteem, for him, + because this was the sentiment that I could most fully partake of. How + often has she affected our hearts and made us embrace with tears, by + assuring us that we were both necessary to her happiness! Let not women + read this with an ill-natured smile; with the temperament she possessed, + this necessity was not equivocal, it was only that of the heart. + </p> + <p> + Thus there was established, among us three, a union without example, + perhaps, on the face of the earth. All our wishes, our cares, our very + hearts, were for each other, and absolutely confined to this little + circle. The habit of living together, and living exclusively from the rest + of the world, became so strong, that if at our repasts one of the three + was wanting, or a fourth person came in, everything seemed deranged; and, + notwithstanding our particular attachments, even our tete-a-tete were less + agreeable than our reunion. What banished every species of constraint from + our little community, was a lively reciprocal confidence, and dulness or + insipidity could find no place among us, because we were always fully + employed. Madam de Warens always projecting, always busy, left us no time + for idleness, though, indeed, we had each sufficient employment on our own + account. It is my maxim, that idleness is as much the pest of society as + of solitude. Nothing more contracts the mind, or engenders more tales, + mischief, gossiping, and lies, than for people to be eternally shut up in + the same apartment together, and reduced, from the want of employment, to + the necessity of an incessant chat. When every one is busy (unless you + have really something to say), you may continue silent; but if you have + nothing to do, you must absolutely speak continually, and this, in my + mind, is the most burdensome and the most dangerous constraint. I will go + further, and maintain, that to render company harmless, as well as + agreeable, it is necessary, not only that they should have something to + do, but something that requires a degree of attention. + </p> + <p> + Knitting, for instance, is absolutely as bad as doing nothing; you must + take as much pains to amuse a woman whose fingers are thus employed, as if + she sat with her arms crossed; but let her embroider, and it is a + different matter; she is then so far busied, that a few intervals of + silence may be borne with. What is most disgusting and ridiculous, during + these intermissions of conversation, is to see, perhaps, a dozen + over-grown fellows, get up, sit down again, walk backwards and forwards, + turn on their heels, play with the chimney ornaments, and rack their + brains to maintain an inexhaustible chain of words: what a charming + occupation! Such people, wherever they go, must be troublesome both to + others and themselves. When I was at Motiers, I used to employ myself in + making laces with my neighbors, and were I again to mix with the world, I + would always carry a cup-and-ball in my pocket; I should sometimes play + with it the whole day, that I might not be constrained to speak when I had + nothing to discourse about; and I am persuaded, that if every one would do + the same, mankind would be less mischievous, their company would become + more rational, and, in my opinion, a vast deal more agreeable; in a word, + let wits laugh if they please, but I maintain, that the only practical + lesson of morality within the reach of the present age, is that of the + cup-and-ball. + </p> + <p> + At Chambery they did not give us the trouble of studying expedients to + avoid weariness, when by ourselves, for a troop of important visitors gave + us too much by their company, to feel any when alone. The annoyance they + formerly gave me had not diminished; all the difference was, that I now + found less opportunity to abandon myself to my dissatisfaction. Poor Madam + de Warens had not lost her old predilection for schemes and systems; on + the contrary, the more she felt the pressure of her domestic necessities, + the more she endeavored to extricate herself from them by visionary + projects; and, in proportion to the decrease of her present resources, she + contrived to enlarge, in idea, those of the future. Increase of years only + strengthened this folly: as she lost her relish for the pleasures of the + world and youth, she replaced it by an additional fondness for secrets and + projects; her house was never clear of quacks, contrivers of new + manufactures, alchemists, projects of all kinds and of all descriptions, + whose discourses began by a distribution of millions and concluded by + giving you to understand that they were in want of a crown-piece. No one + went from her empty-handed; and what astonished me most was, how she could + so long support such profusion, without exhausting the source or wearying + her creditors. + </p> + <p> + Her principal project at the time I am now speaking of was that of + establishing a Royal Physical Garden at Chambery, with a Demonstrator + attached to it; it will be unnecessary to add for whom this office was + designed. The situation of this city, in the midst of the Alps, was + extremely favorable to botany, and as Madam de Warens was always for + helping out one project with another, a College of Pharmacy was to be + added, which really would have been a very useful foundation in so poor a + country, where apothecaries are almost the only medical practitioners. The + retreat of the chief physician, Grossi, to Chambery, on the demise of King + Victor, seemed to favor this idea, or perhaps, first suggest it; however + this may be, by flattery and attention she set about managing Grossi, who, + in fact, was not very manageable, being the most caustic and brutal, for a + man who had any pretensions to the quality of a gentleman, that ever I + knew. The reader may judge for himself by two or three traits of + character, which I shall add by way of specimen. + </p> + <p> + He assisted one day at a consultation with some other doctors, and among + the rest, a young gentleman from Annecy, who was physician in ordinary to + the sick person. This young man, being but indifferently taught for a + doctor, was bold enough to differ in opinion from M. Grossi, who only + answered him by asking him when he should return, which way he meant to + take, and what conveyance he should make use of? The other, having + satisfied Grossi in these particulars, asked him if there was anything he + could serve him in? “Nothing, nothing,” answered he, “only I shall place + myself at a window in your way, that I may have the pleasure of seeing an + ass ride on horseback.” His avarice equalled his riches and want of + feeling. One of his friends wanted to borrow some money of him, on good + security. “My friend,” answered he, shaking him by the arm, and grinding + his teeth, “Should St. Peter descend from heaven to borrow ten pistoles of + me, and offer the Trinity as securities, I would not lend them.” One day, + being invited to dinner with Count Picon, Governor of Savoy, who was very + religious, he arrived before it was ready, and found his excellency busy + with his devotions, who proposed to him the same employment; not knowing + how to refuse, he knelt down with a frightful grimace, but had hardly + recited two Ave-Marias, when, not being able to contain himself any + longer, he rose hastily, snatched his hat and cane, and without speaking a + word, was making toward the door; Count Picon ran after him, crying, + “Monsieur Grossi! Monsieur Grossi! stop, there’s a most excellent ortolan + on the spit for you.” “Monsieur le Count,” replied the other, turning his + head, “though you should give me a roasted angel, I would not stay.” Such + was M. Grossi, whom Madam de Warens undertook and succeeded in civilizing. + Though his time was very much occupied, he accustomed himself to come + frequently to her house, conceived a friendship for Anet, seemed to think + him intelligent, spoke of him with esteem, and, what would not have been + expected of such a brute, affected to treat him with respect, wishing to + efface the impressions of the past; for though Anet was no longer on the + footing of a domestic, it was known that he had been one, and nothing less + than the countenance and example of the chief physician was necessary to + set an example of respect which would not otherwise have been paid him. + Thus Claude Anet, with a black coat, a well-dressed wig, a grave, decent + behavior, a circumspect conduct, and a tolerable knowledge in medical and + botanical matters, might reasonably have hoped to fill, with universal + satisfaction, the place of public demonstrator, had the proposed + establishment taken place. Grossi highly approved the plan, and only + waited an opportunity to propose it to the administration, whenever a + return of peace should permit them to think of useful institutions, and + enable them to spare the necessary pecuniary supplies. + </p> + <p> + But this project, whose execution would probably have plunged me into + botanical studies, for which I am inclined to think Nature designed me, + failed through one of those unexpected strokes which frequently overthrow + the best concerted plans. I was destined to become an example of human + misery; and it might be said that Providence, who called me by degrees to + these extraordinary trials, disconcerted every opportunity that could + prevent my encountering them. + </p> + <p> + In an excursion which Anet made to the top of the mountain to seek for + genipi, a scarce plant that grows only on the Alps, and which Monsieur + Grossi had occasion for, unfortunately he heated himself so much, that he + was seized with a pleurisy, which the genipi could not relieve, though + said to be specific in that disorder; and, notwithstanding all the art of + Grossi (who certainly was very skillful), and all the care of his good + mistress and myself, he died the fifth day of his disorder, in the most + cruel agonies. During his illness he had no exhortations but mine, + bestowed with such transports of grief and zeal, that had he been in a + state to understand them, they must have been some consolation to him. + Thus I lost the firmest friend I ever had; a man estimable and + extraordinary; in whom Nature supplied the defects of education, and who + (though in a state of servitude) possessed all the virtues necessary to + form a great man, which, perhaps, he would have shown himself, and been + acknowledged, had he lived to fill the situation he seemed so perfectly + adapted to. + </p> + <p> + The next day I spoke of him to Madam de Warens with the most sincere and + lively affection; when, suddenly, in the midst of our conversation, the + vile, ungrateful thought occurred, that I should inherit his wardrobe, and + particularly a handsome black coat, which I thought very becoming. As I + thought this, I consequently uttered it; for when with her, to think and + to speak was the same thing. Nothing could have made her feel more + forcibly the loss she had sustained, than this unworthy and odious + observation; disinterestedness and greatness of soul being qualities that + poor Anet had eminently possessed. The generous Madam de Warens turned + from me, and (without any reply) burst into tears. Dear and precious + tears! your reprehension was fully felt; ye ran into my very heart, + washing from thence even the smallest traces of such despicable and + unworthy sentiments, never to return. + </p> + <p> + This loss caused Madam de Warens as much inconvenience as sorrow, since + from this moment her affairs were still more deranged. Anet was extremely + exact, and kept everything in order; his vigilance was universally feared, + and this set some bounds to that profusion they were too apt to run into; + even Madam de Warens, to avoid his censure, kept her dissipation within + bounds; his attachment was not sufficient, she wished to preserve his + esteem, and avoid the just remonstrances he sometimes took the liberty to + make her, by representing that she squandered the property of others as + well as her own. I thought as he did, nay, I even sometimes expressed + myself to the same effect, but had not an equal ascendancy over her, and + my advice did not make the same impression. On his decease, I was obliged + to occupy his place, for which I had as little inclination as abilities, + and therefore filled it ill. I was not sufficiently careful, and so very + timid, that though I frequently found fault to myself, I saw + ill-management without taking courage to oppose it; besides, though I + acquired an equal share of respect, I had not the same authority. I saw + the disorder that prevailed, trembled at it, sometimes complained, but was + never attended to. I was too young and lively to have any pretensions to + the exercise of reason, and when I would have acted the reformer, Madam de + Warens calling me her little Mentor, with two or three playful slaps on + the cheek, reduced me to my natural thoughtlessness. Notwithstanding, an + idea of the certain distress in which her ill-regulated expenses, sooner + or later, must necessarily plunge her, made a stronger impression on me + since I had become the inspector of her household, and had a better + opportunity of calculating the inequality that subsisted between her + income and her expenses. I even date from this period the beginning of + that inclination to avarice which I have ever since been sensible of. I + was never foolishly prodigal, except by intervals; but till then I was + never concerned whether I had much or little money. I now began to pay + more attention to this circumstance, taking care of my purse, and becoming + mean from a laudable motive; for I only sought to insure Madam de Warens + some resources against that catastrophe which I dreaded the approach of. I + feared her creditors would seize her pension or that it might be + discontinued and she reduced to want, when I foolishly imagined that the + trifle I could save might be of essential service to her; but to + accomplish this, it was necessary I should conceal what I meant to make a + reserve of; for it would have been an awkward circumstance, while she was + perpetually driven to expedients, to have her know that I hoarded money. + Accordingly, I sought out some hiding-place, where I laid up a few louis, + resolving to augment this stock from time to time, till a convenient + opportunity to lay it at her feet; but I was so incautious in the choice + of my repositories, that she always discovered them, and, to convince me + that she did so, changed the louis I had concealed for a larger sum in + different pieces of coin. Ashamed of these discoveries, I brought back to + the common purse my little treasure, which she never failed to lay out in + clothes, or other things for my use, such as a silver hilted sword, watch, + etc. Being convinced that I should never succeed in accumulating money, + and that what I could save would furnish but a very slender resource + against the misfortune I dreaded, made me wish to place myself in such a + situation that I might be enabled to provide for her, whenever she might + chance to be reduced to want. Unhappily, seeking these resources on the + side of my inclinations, I foolishly determined to consider music as my + principal dependence; and ideas of harmony rising in my brain, I imagined, + that if placed in a proper situation to profit by them, I should acquire + celebrity, and presently become a modern Orpheus, whose mystic sounds + would attract all the riches of Peru. + </p> + <p> + As I began to read music tolerably well, the question was, how I should + learn composition? The difficulty lay in meeting with a good master, for, + with the assistance of my Rameau alone, I despaired of ever being able to + accomplish it; and, since the departure of M. le Maitre, there was nobody + in Savoy who understood anything of the principles of harmony. + </p> + <p> + I am now about to relate another of those inconsequences, which my life is + full of, and which have so frequently carried me directly from my designs, + even when I thought myself immediately within reach of them. Venture had + spoken to me in very high terms of the Abbe Blanchard, who had taught him + composition; a deserving man, possessed of great talents, who was + music-master to the cathedral at Besancon, and is now in that capacity at + the Chapel of Versailles. I therefore determined to go to Besancon, and + take some lessons from the Abbe Blanchard, and the idea appeared so + rational to me, that I soon made Madam de Warens of the same opinion, who + immediately set about the preparations for my journey, in the same style + of profusion with which all her plans were executed. Thus this project for + preventing a bankruptcy, and repairing in future the waste of dissipation, + began by causing her to expend eight hundred livres; her ruin being + accelerated that I might be put in a condition to prevent it. Foolish as + this conduct may appear, the illusion was complete on my part, and even on + hers, for I was persuaded I should labor for her emolument, and she + thought she was highly promoting mine. + </p> + <p> + I expected to find Venture still at Annecy, and promised myself to obtain + a recommendatory letter from him to the Abbe Blanchard; but he had left + that place, and I was obliged to content myself in the room of it, with a + mass in four parts of his composition, which he had left with me. With + this slender recommendation I set out for Besancon by the way of Geneva, + where I saw my relations; and through Nion, where I saw my father, who + received me in his usual manner, and promised to forward my portmanteau, + which, as I travelled on horseback, came after me. I arrived at Besancon, + and was kindly received by the Abbe Blanchard, who promised me his + instruction, and offered his services in any other particular. We had just + set about our music, when I received a letter from my father, informing me + that my portmanteau had been seized and confiscated at Rousses, a French + barrier on the side of Switzerland. Alarmed at the news, I employed the + acquaintance I had formed at Besancon, to learn the motive of this + confiscation. Being certain there was nothing contraband among my baggage, + I could not conceive on what pretext it could have been seized on; at + length, however, I learned the rights of the story, which (as it is a very + curious one) must not be omitted. + </p> + <p> + I became acquainted at Chambery with a very worthy old man, from Lyons, + named Monsieur Duvivier, who had been employed at the Visa, under the + regency, and for want of other business, now assisted at the Survey. He + had lived in the polite world, possessed talents, was good-humored, and + understood music. As we both wrote in the same chamber, we preferred each + other’s acquaintance to that of the unlicked cubs that surrounded us. He + had some correspondents at Paris, who furnished him with those little + nothings, those daily novelties, which circulate one knows not why, and + die one cares not when, without any one thinking of them longer than they + are heard. As I sometimes took him to dine with Madam de Warens, he in + some measure treated me with respect, and (wishing to render himself + agreeable) endeavored to make me fond of these trifles, for which I + naturally had such a distaste, that I never in my life read any of them. + Unhappily one of these cursed papers happened to be in the waistcoat + pocket of a new suit, which I had only worn two or three times to prevent + its being seized by the commissioners of the customs. This paper contained + an insipid Jansenist parody on that beautiful scene in Racine’s + Mithridates: I had not read ten lines of it, but by forgetfulness left it + in my pocket, and this caused all my necessaries to be confiscated. The + commissioners at the head of the inventory of my portmanteau, set a most + pompous verbal process, in which it was taken for granted that this most + terrible writing came from Geneva for the sole purpose of being printed + and distributed in France, and then ran into holy invectives against the + enemies of God and the Church, and praised the pious vigilance of those + who had prevented the execution of these most infernal machinations. They + doubtless found also that my spirits smelt of heresy, for on the strength + of this dreadful paper, they were all seized, and from that time I never + received any account of my unfortunate portmanteau. The revenue officers + whom I applied to for this purpose required so many instructions, + informations, certificates, memorials, etc., etc., that, lost a thousand + times in the perplexing labyrinth, I was glad to abandon them entirely. I + feel a real regret for not having preserved this verbal process from the + office of Rousses, for it was a piece calculated to hold a distinguished + rank in the collection which is to accompany this Work. + </p> + <p> + The loss of my necessities immediately brought me back to Chambery, + without having learned anything of the Abbe Blanchard. Reasoning with + myself on the events of this journey, and seeing that misfortunes attended + all my enterprises, I resolved to attach myself entirely to Madam de + Warens, to share her fortune, and distress myself no longer about future + events, which I could not regulate. She received me as if I had brought + back treasures, replaced by degrees my little wardrobe, and though this + misfortune fell heavy enough on us both, it was forgotten almost as + suddenly as it arrived. + </p> + <p> + Though this mischance had rather dampened my musical ardor, I did not + leave off studying my Rameau, and, by repeated efforts, was at length able + to understand it, and to make some little attempts at composition, the + success of which encouraged me to proceed. The Count de Bellegarde, son of + the Marquis of Antremont, had returned from Dresden after the death of + King Augustus. Having long resided at Paris, he was fond of music, and + particularly that of Rameau. His brother, the Count of Nangis, played on + the violin; the Countess la Tour, their sister, sung tolerably: this + rendered music the fashion at Chambery, and a kind of public concert was + established there, the direction of which was at first designed for me, + but they soon discovered I was not competent to the undertaking, and it + was otherwise arranged. Notwithstanding this, I continued writing a number + of little pieces, in my own way, and, among others, a cantata, which + gained great approbation; it could not, indeed, be called a finished + piece, but the airs were written in a style of novelty, and produced a + good effect, which was not expected from me. These gentlemen could not + believe that, reading music so indifferently, it was possible I should + compose any that was passable, and made no doubt that I had taken to + myself the credit of some other person’s labors. Monsieur de Nangis, + wishing to be assured of this, called on me one morning with a cantata of + Clerambault’s which he had transposed as he said, to suit his voice, and + to which another bass was necessary, the transposition having rendered + that of Clerambault impracticable. I answered, it required considerable + labor, and could not be done on the spot. Being convinced I only sought an + excuse, he pressed me to write at least the bass to a recitative: I did + so, not well, doubtless, because to attempt anything with success I must + have both time and freedom, but I did it at least according to rule, and + he being present, could not doubt but I understood the elements of + composition. I did not, therefore, lose my scholars, though it hurt my + pride that there should be a concert at Chambery in which I was not + necessary. + </p> + <p> + About this time, peace being concluded, the French army repassed the Alps. + Several officers came to visit Madam de Warens, and among others the Count + de Lautrec, Colonel of the regiment of Orleans, since Plenipotentiary of + Geneva, and afterwards Marshal of France, to whom she presented me. On her + recommendation, he appeared to interest himself greatly in my behalf, + promising a great deal, which he never remembered till the last year of + his life, when I no longer stood in need of his assistance. The young + Marquis of Sennecterre, whose father was then ambassador at Turin, passed + through Chambery at the same time, and dined one day at M. de Menthon’s, + when I happened to be among the guests. After dinner; the discourse turned + on music, which the marquis understood extremely well. The opera of + ‘Jephtha’ was then new; he mentioned this piece, it was brought him, and + he made me tremble by proposing to execute it between us. He opened the + book at that celebrated double chorus, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + La Terra, l’Enfer, le Ciel meme, + Tout tremble devant le Seigneur! + + [The Earth, and Hell, and Heaven itself, + tremble before the Lord!] +</pre> + <p> + He said, “How many parts will you take? I will do these six.” I had not + yet been accustomed to this trait of French vivacity, and though + acquainted with divisions, could not comprehend how one man could + undertake to perform six, or even two parts at the same time. Nothing has + cost me more trouble in music than to skip lightly from one part to + another, and have the eye at once on a whole division. By the manner in + which I evaded this trial, he must have been inclined to believe I did not + understand music, and perhaps it was to satisfy himself in this particular + that he proposed my noting a song for Mademoiselle de Menthon, in such a + manner that I could not avoid it. He sang this song, and I wrote from his + voice, without giving him much trouble to repeat it. When finished he read + my performance, and said (which was very true) that it was very correctly + noted. He had observed my embarrassment, and now seemed to enhance the + merit of this little success. In reality, I then understood music very + well, and only wanted that quickness at first sight which I possess in no + one particular, and which is only to be acquired in this art by long and + constant practice. Be that as it may, I was fully sensible of his kindness + in endeavoring to efface from the minds of others, and even from my own, + the embarrassment I had experienced on this occasion. Twelve or fifteen + years afterwards, meeting this gentleman at several houses in Paris, I was + tempted to make him recollect this anecdote, and show him I still + remembered it; but he had lost his sight since that time; I feared to give + him pain by recalling to his memory how useful it formerly had been to + him, and was therefore silent on that subject. + </p> + <p> + I now touch on the moment that binds my past existence to the present, + some friendships of that period, prolonged to the present time, being very + dear to me, have frequently made me regret that happy obscurity, when + those who called themselves my friends were really so; loved me for + myself, through pure good will, and not from the vanity of being + acquainted with a conspicuous character, perhaps for the secret purpose of + finding more occasions to injure him. + </p> + <p> + From this time I date my first acquaintance with my old friend + Gauffecourt, who, notwithstanding every effort to disunite us, has still + remained so.—Still remained so!—No, alas! I have just lost + him!—but his affection terminated only with his life—death + alone could put a period to our friendship. Monsieur de Gauffecourt was + one of the most amiable men that ever existed; it was impossible to see + him without affection, or to live with him without feeling a sincere + attachment. In my life I never saw features more expressive of goodness + and serenity, or that marked more feeling, more understanding, or inspired + greater confidence. However reserved one might be, it was impossible even + at first sight to avoid being as free with him as if he had been an + acquaintance of twenty years; for myself, who find so much difficulty to + be at ease among new faces, I was familiar with him in a moment. His + manner, accent, and conversation, perfectly suited his features: the sound + of his voice was clear, full and musical; it was an agreeable and + expressive bass, which satisfied the ear, and sounded full upon the heart. + It was impossible to possess a more equal and pleasing vivacity, or more + real and unaffected gracefulness, more natural talents, or cultivated with + greater taste; join to all these good qualities an affectionate heart, but + loving rather too diffusively, and bestowing his favors with too little + caution; serving his friends with zeal, or rather making himself the + friend of every one he could serve, yet contriving very dexterously to + manage his own affairs, while warmly pursuing the interests of others. + </p> + <p> + Gauffecourt was the son of a clock-maker, and would have been a + clock-maker himself had not his person and desert called him to a superior + situation. He became acquainted with M. de la Closure, the French Resident + at Geneva, who conceived a friendship for him, and procured him some + connections at Paris, which were useful, and through whose influence he + obtained the privilege of furnishing the salts of Valais, which was worth + twenty thousand livres a year. This very amply satisfied his wishes with + respect to fortune, but with regard to women he was more difficult; he had + to provide for his own happiness, and did what he supposed most conducive + to it. What renders his character most remarkable, and does him the + greatest honor, is, that though connected with all conditions, he was + universally esteemed and sought after without being envied or hated by any + one, and I really believe he passed through life without a single enemy.—Happy + man! + </p> + <p> + He went every year to the baths of Aix, where the best company from the + neighboring countries resorted, and being on terms of friendship with all + the nobility of Savoy, came from Aix to Chambery to see the young Count de + Bellegarde and his father the Marquis of Antremont. It was here Madam de + Warens introduced me to him, and this acquaintance, which appeared at that + time to end in nothing, after many years had elapsed, was renewed on an + occasion which I should relate, when it became a real friendship. I + apprehend I am sufficiently authorized in speaking of a man to whom I was + so firmly attached, but I had no personal interest in what concerned him; + he was so truly amiable, and born with so many natural good qualities + that, for the honor of human nature, I should think it necessary to + preserve his memory. This man, estimable as he certainly was, had, like + other mortals, some failings, as will be seen hereafter; perhaps had it + not been so, he would have been less amiable, since, to render him as + interesting as possible, it was necessary he should sometimes act in such + a manner as to require a small portion of indulgence. + </p> + <p> + Another connection of the same time, that is not yet extinguished, and + continues to flatter me with the idea of temporal happiness, which it is + so difficult to obliterate from the human heart, is Monsieur de Conzie, a + Savoyard gentleman, then young and amiable, who had a fancy to learn + music, or rather to be acquainted with the person who taught it. With + great understanding and taste for polite acquirements, M. de Conzie + possessed a mildness of disposition which rendered him extremely + attractive, and my temper being somewhat similar, when it found a + counterpart, our friendship was soon formed. The seeds of literature and + philosophy, which began to ferment in my brain, and only waited for + culture and emulation to spring up, found in him exactly what was wanting + to render them prolific. M. de Conzie had no great inclination to music, + and even this was useful to me, for the hours destined for lessons were + passed anyhow rather than musically; we breakfasted, chatted, and read new + publications, but not a word of music. + </p> + <p> + The correspondence between Voltaire and the Prince Royal of Prussia, then + made a noise in the world, and these celebrated men were frequently the + subject of our conversation, one of whom recently seated on a throne, + already indicated what he would prove himself hereafter, while the other, + as much disgraced as he is now admired, made us sincerely lament the + misfortunes that seemed to pursue him, and which are so frequently the + appendage of superior talents. The Prince of Prussia had not been happy in + his youth, and it appeared that Voltaire was formed never to be so. The + interest we took in both parties extended to all that concerned them, and + nothing that Voltaire wrote escaped us. The inclination I felt for these + performances inspired me with a desire to write elegantly, and caused me + to endeavor to imitate the colorings of that author, with whom I was so + much enchanted. Some time after, his philosophical letters (though + certainly not his best work) greatly augmented my fondness for study; it + was a rising inclination, which, from that time, has never been + extinguished. + </p> + <p> + But the moment was not yet arrived when I should give into it entirely; my + rambling disposition (rather contracted than eradicated) being kept alive + by our manner of living at Madam de Warens, which was too unsettled for + one of my solitary temper. The crowd of strangers who daily swarmed about + her from all parts, and the certainty I was in that these people sought + only to dupe her, each in his particular mode, rendered home disagreeable. + Since I had succeeded Anet in the confidence of his mistress, I had + strictly examined her circumstances, and saw their evil tendency with + horror. I had remonstrated a hundred times, prayed, argued, conjured, but + all to no purpose. I had thrown myself at her feet, and strongly + represented the catastrophe that threatened her, had earnestly entreated + that she would reform her expenses, and begin with myself, representing + that it was better to suffer something while she was yet young, than by + multiplying her debts and creditors, expose her old age to vexation and + misery. + </p> + <p> + Sensible of the sincerity of my zeal, she was frequently affected, and + would then make the finest promises in the world: but only let an artful + schemer arrive, and in an instant all her good resolutions were forgotten. + After a thousand proofs of the inefficacy of my remonstrances, what + remained but to turn away my eyes from the ruin I could not prevent; and + fly myself from the door I could not guard! I made therefore little + journeys to Geneva and Lyons, which diverted my mind in some measure from + this secret uneasiness, though it increased the cause by these additional + expenses. I can truly aver that I should have acquiesed with pleasure in + every retrenchment, had Madam de Warens really profited by it, but being + persuaded that what I might refuse myself would be distributed among a set + of interested villains, I took advantage of her easiness to partake with + them, and, like the dog returning from the shambles, carried off a portion + of that morsel which I could not protect. + </p> + <p> + Pretences were not wanting for all these journeys; even Madam de Warens + would alone have supplied me with more than were necessary, having plenty + of connections, negotiations, affairs, and commissions, which she wished + to have executed by some trusty hand. In these cases she usually applied + to me; I was always willing to go, and consequently found occasions enough + to furnish out a rambling kind of life. These excursions procured me some + good connections, which have since been agreeable or useful to me. Among + others, I met at Lyons, with M. Perrichon, whose friendship I accuse + myself with not having sufficiently cultivated, considering the kindness + he had for me; and that of the good Parisot, which I shall speak of in its + place, at Grenoble, that of Madam Deybens and Madam la Presidente de + Bardonanche, a woman of great understanding, and who would have + entertained a friendship for me had it been in my power to have seen her + oftener; at Geneva, that of M. de Closure, the French Resident, who often + spoke to me of my mother, the remembrance of whom neither death nor time + had erased from his heart; likewise those of the two Barillots, the + father, who was very amiable, a good companion, and one of the most worthy + men I ever met, calling me his grandson. During the troubles of the + republic, these two citizens took contrary sides, the son siding with the + people, the father with the magistrates. When they took up arms in 1737, I + was at Geneva, and saw the father and son quit the same house armed, the + one going to the townhouse, the other to his quarters, almost certain to + meet face to face in the course of two hours, and prepared to give or + receive death from each other. This unnatural sight made so lively an + impression on me, that I solemnly vowed never to interfere in any civil + war, nor assist in deciding our internal dispute by arms, either + personally or by my influence, should I ever enter into my rights as a + citizen. I can bring proofs of having kept this oath on a very delicate + occasion, and it will be confessed (at least I should suppose so) that + this moderation was of some worth. + </p> + <p> + But I had not yet arrived at that fermentation of patriotism which the + first sight of Geneva in arms has since excited in my heart, as may be + conjectured by a very grave fact that will not tell to my advantage, which + I forgot to put in its proper place, but which ought not to be omitted. + </p> + <p> + My uncle Bernard died at Carolina, where he had been employed some years + in the building of Charles Town, which he had formed the plan of. My poor + cousin, too, died in the Prussian service; thus my aunt lost, nearly at + the same period, her son and husband. These losses reanimated in some + measure her affection for the nearest relative she had remaining, which + was myself. When I went to Geneva, I reckoned her house my home, and + amused myself with rummaging and turning over the books and papers my + uncle had left. Among them I found some curious ones, and some letters + which they certainly little thought of. My aunt, who set no store by these + dusty papers, would willingly have given the whole to me, but I contented + myself with two or three books, with notes written by the Minister + Bernard, my grandfather, and among the rest, the posthumous works of + Rohault in quarto, the margins of which were full of excellent + commentaries, which gave me an inclination to the mathematics. This book + remained among those of Madam de Warens, and I have since lamented that I + did not preserve it. To these I added five or six memorials in manuscript, + and a printed one, composed by the famous Micheli Ducret, a man of + considerable talents, being both learned and enlightened, but too much, + perhaps, inclined to sedition, for which he was cruelly treated by the + magistrates of Geneva, and lately died in the fortress of Arberg, where he + had been confined many years, for being, as it was said, concerned in the + conspiracy of Berne. + </p> + <p> + This memorial was a judicious critique on the extensive but ridiculous + plan of fortification, which had been adopted at Geneva, though censured + by every person of judgment in the art, who was unacquainted with the + secret motives of the council, in the execution of this magnificent + enterprise. Monsieur de Micheli, who had been excluded from the committee + of fortification for having condemned this plan, thought that, as a + citizen, and a member of the two hundred, he might give his advice, at + large, and therefore, did so in this memorial, which he was imprudent + enough to have printed, though he never published it, having only those + copies struck off which were meant for the two hundred, and which were all + intercepted at the post-house by order of the Senate. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [The grand council of Geneva in December, 1728, pronounced this + paper highly disrespectful to the councils, and injurious to the + committee of fortification.] +</pre> + <p> + I found this memorial among my uncle’s papers, with the answer he had been + ordered to make to it, and took both. This was soon after I had left my + place at the survey, and I yet remained on good terms with the Counsellor + de Coccelli, who had the management of it. Some time after, the director + of the custom-house entreated me to stand godfather to his child, with + Madam Coccelli, who was to be godmother: proud of being placed on such + terms of equality with the counsellor, I wished to assume importance, and + show myself worthy of that honor. + </p> + <p> + Full of this idea, I thought I could do nothing better than show him + Micheli’s memorial, which was really a scarce piece, and would prove I was + connected with people of consequence in Geneva, who were intrusted with + the secrets of the state, yet by a kind of reserve which I should find it + difficult to account for, I did not show him my uncle’s answer, perhaps, + because it was manuscript, and nothing less than print was worthy to + approach the counsellor. He understood, however, so well the importance of + this paper, which I had the folly to put into his hands, that I could + never after get it into my possession, and being convinced that every + effort for that purpose would be ineffectual, I made a merit of my + forbearance, transforming the theft into a present. I made no doubt that + this writing (more curious, however, than useful) answered his purpose at + the court of Turin, where probably he took care to be reimbursed in some + way or other for the expense which the acquisition of it might be supposed + to have cost him. Happily, of all future contingencies, the least + probable, is, that ever the King of Sardina should besiege Geneva, but as + that event is not absolutely impossible, I shall ever reproach my foolish + vanity with having been the means of pointing out the greatest defects of + that city to its most ancient enemy. + </p> + <p> + I passed two or three years in this manner, between music, study, + projects, and journeys, floating incessantly from one object to another, + and wishing to fix though I knew not on what, but insensibly inclining + towards study. I was acquainted with men of letters, I had heard them + speak of literature, and sometimes mingled in the conversation, yet rather + adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained. In my + excursions to Geneva, I frequently called on my good old friend Monsieur + Simon, who greatly promoted my rising emulation by fresh news from the + republic of letters, extracted from Baillet or Colomies. I frequently saw + too, at Chambery, a Dominican professor of physic, a good kind of friar, + whose name I have forgotten, who often made little chemical experiments + which greatly amused me. In imitation of him, I attempted to make some + sympathetic ink, and having for that purpose more than half filled a + bottle with quicklime, orpiment, and water, the effervescence immediately + became extremely violent; I ran to unstop the bottle, but had not time to + effect it, for, during the attempt, it burst in my face like a bomb, and I + swallowed so much of the orpiment and lime, that it nearly cost me my + life. I remained blind for six weeks, and by the event of this experiment + learned to meddle no more with experimental Chemistry while the elements + were unknown to me. + </p> + <p> + This adventure happened very unluckily for my health, which, for some time + past, had been visibly on the decline. This was rather extraordinary, as I + was guilty of no kind of excess; nor could it have been expected from my + make, for my chest, being well formed and rather capacious, seemed to give + my lungs full liberty to play; yet I was short breathed, felt a very + sensible oppression, sighed involuntarily, had palpitations of the heart, + and spitting of blood, accompanied with a lingering fever, which I have + never since entirely overcome. How is it possible to fall into such a + state in the flower of one’s age, without any inward decay, or without + having done anything to destroy health? + </p> + <p> + It is sometimes said, “the sword wears the scabbard,” this was truly the + case with me: the violence of my passions both kept me alive and hastened + my dissolution. What passions? will be asked: mere nothings: the most + trivial objects in nature, but which affected me as forcibly as if the + acquisition of a Helen, or the throne of the universe were at stake. My + senses, for instance, were at ease with one woman, but my heart never was, + and the necessities of love consumed me in the very bosom of happiness. I + had a tender, respected and lovely friend, but I sighed for a mistress; my + prolific fancy painted her as such, and gave her a thousand forms, for had + I conceived that my endearments had been lavished on Madam de Warens, they + would not have been less tender, though infinitely more tranquil. But is + it possible for man to taste, in their utmost extent, the delights of + love? I cannot tell, but I am persuaded my frail existence would have sunk + under the weight of them. + </p> + <p> + I was, therefore, dying for love without an object, and this state, + perhaps, is, of all others, the most dangerous. I was likewise uneasy, + tormented at the bad state of poor Madam de Warens’ circumstances, and the + imprudence of her conduct, which could not fail to bring them, in a short + time, to total ruin. My tortured imagination (which ever paints + misfortunes in the extremity) continually beheld this in its utmost + excess, and in all the horror of its consequences. I already saw myself + forced by want to quit her—to whom I had consecrated my future life, + and without whom I could not hope for happiness: thus was my soul + continually agitated, and hopes and fears devoured me alternately. + </p> + <p> + Music was a passion less turbulent, but not less consuming, from the ardor + with which I attached myself to it, by the obstinate study of the obscure + books of Rameau; by an invincible resolution to charge my memory with + rules it could not contain; by continual application, and by long and + immense compilations which I frequently passed whole nights in copying: + but why dwell on these particularly, while every folly that took + possession of my wandering brain, the most transient ideas of a single + day, a journey, a concert, a supper, a walk, a novel to read, a play to + see, things in the world the least premeditated in my pleasures or + occupation became for me the most violent passions, which by their + ridiculous impetuosity conveyed the most serious torments; even the + imaginary misfortunes of Cleveland, read with avidity and frequent + interruption, have, I am persuaded, disordered me more than my own. + </p> + <p> + There was a Genevese, named Bagueret, who had been employed under Peter + the Great, of the court of Russia, one of the most worthless, senseless + fellows I ever met with; full of projects as foolish as himself, which + were to rain down millions on those who took part in them. This man, + having come to Chambery on account of some suit depending before the + senate, immediately got acquainted with Madam de Warens, and with great + reason on his side, since for those imaginary treasures that cost him + nothing, and which he bestowed with the utmost prodigality, he gained, in + exchange, the unfortunate crown pieces one by one out of her pocket. I did + not like him, and he plainly perceived this, for with me it is not a very + difficult discovery, nor did he spare any sort of meanness to gain my good + will, and among other things proposed teaching me to play at chess, which + game he understood something of. I made an attempt, though almost against + my inclination, and after several efforts, having learned the moves, my + progress was so rapid, that before the end of the first sitting I gave him + the rook, which in the beginning he had given me. Nothing more was + necessary; behold me fascinated with chess! I buy a board, with the rest + of the apparatus, and shutting myself up in my chamber, pass whole days + and nights in studying all the varieties of the game, being determined by + playing alone, without end or relaxation, to drive them into my head, + right or wrong. After incredible efforts, during two or three months + passed in this curious employment, I go to the coffee-house, thin, sallow, + and almost stupid; I seat myself, and again attack M. Bagueret: he beats + me, once, twice, twenty times; so many combinations were fermenting in my + head, and my imagination was so stupefied, that all appeared confusion. I + tried to exercise myself with Philidor’s or Stamina’s book of + instructions, but I was still equally perplexed, and, after having + exhausted myself with fatigue, was further to seek than ever, and whether + I abandoned my chess for a time, or resolved to surmount every difficulty + by unremitted practice, it was the same thing. I could never advance one + step beyond the improvement of the first sitting, nay, I am convinced that + had I studied it a thousand ages, I should have ended by being able to + give Bagueret the rook and nothing more. + </p> + <p> + It will be said my time was well employed, and not a little of it passed + in this occupation, nor did I quit my first essay till unable to persist + in it, for on leaving my apartment I had the appearance of a corpse, and + had I continued this course much longer I should certainly have been one. + </p> + <p> + Any one will allow that it would have been extraordinary, especially in + the ardor of youth, that such a head should suffer the body to enjoy + continued health; the alteration of mine had an effect on my temper, + moderating the ardor of my chimerical fancies, for as I grew weaker they + became more tranquil, and I even lost, in some measure, my rage for + travelling. I was not seized with heaviness, but melancholy; vapors + succeeded passions, languor became sorrow: I wept and sighed without + cause, and felt my life ebbing away before I had enjoyed it. I only + trembled to think of the situation in which I should leave my dear Madam + de Warens; and I can truly say, that quitting her, and leaving her in + these melancholy circumstances, was my only concern. At length I fell + quite ill, and was nursed by her as never mother nursed a child. The care + she took of me was of real utility to her affairs, since it diverted her + mind from schemes, and kept projectors at a distance. How pleasing would + death have been at that time, when, if I had not tasted many of the + pleasures of life, I had felt but few of its misfortunes. My tranquil soul + would have taken her flight, without having experienced those cruel ideas + of the injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death. I should + have enjoyed the sweet consolation that I still survived in the dearer + part of myself: in the situation I then was, it could hardly be called + death; and had I been divested of my uneasiness on her account, it would + have appeared but a gentle sleep; yet even these disquietudes had such an + affectionate and tender turn, that their bitterness was tempered by a + pleasing sensibility. I said to her, “You are the depository of my whole + being, act so that I may be happy.” Two or three times, when my disorder + was most violent, I crept to her apartment to give her my advice + respecting her future conduct; and I dare affirm these admonitions were + both wise and equitable, in which the interest I took in her future + concerns was strongly marked. As if tears had been both nourishment and + medicine, I found myself the better for those I shed with her, while + seated on her bed-side, and holding her hands between mine. The hours + crept insensibly away in these nocturnal discourses; I returned to my + chamber better than I had quitted it, being content and calmed by the + promises she made, and the hopes with which she had inspired me: I slept + on them with my heart at peace, and fully resigned to the dispensations of + Providence. God grant, that after having had so many reasons to hate life, + after being agitated with so many storms, after it has even become a + burden, that death, which must terminate all, may be no more terrible than + it would have been at that moment! + </p> + <p> + By inconceivable care and vigilance, she saved my life; and I am convinced + she alone could have done this. I have little faith in the skill of + physicians, but depend greatly on the assistance of real friends, and am + persuaded that being easy in those particulars on which our happiness + depends, is more salutary than any other application. If there is a + sensation in life peculiarly delightful, we experienced it in being + restored to each other; our mutual attachment did not increase, for that + was impossible, but it became, I know not how, more exquisitely tender, + fresh softness being added to its former simplicity. I became in a manner + her work; we got into the habit, though without design, of being + continually with each other, and enjoying, in some measure, our whole + existence together, feeling reciprocally that we were not only necessary, + but entirely sufficient for each other’s happiness. Accustomed to think of + no subject foreign to ourselves, our happiness and all our desires were + confined to that pleasing and singular union, which, perhaps, had no + equal, which is not, as I have before observed, love, but a sentiment + inexpressibly more intimate, neither depending on the senses, age, nor + figure, but an assemblage of every endearing sensation that composes our + rational existence and which can cease only with our being. + </p> + <p> + How was it that this delightful crisis did not secure our mutual felicity + for the remainder of her life and mine? I have the consoling conviction + that it was not my fault; nay, I am persuaded, she did not wilfully + destroy it; the invincible peculiarity of my disposition was doomed soon + to regain its empire; but this fatal return was not suddenly accomplished, + there was, thank Heaven, a short but precious interval, that did not + conclude by my fault, and which I cannot reproach myself with having + employed amiss. + </p> + <p> + Though recovered from my dangerous illness, I did not regain my strength; + my stomach was weak, some remains of the fever kept me in a languishing + condition, and the only inclination I was sensible of, was to end my days + near one so truly dear to me; to confirm her in those good resolutions she + had formed; to convince her in what consisted the real charms of a happy + life, and, as far as depended on me, to render hers so; but I foresaw that + in a gloomy, melancholy house, the continual solitude of our tete-a-tetes + would at length become too dull and monotonous: a remedy presented itself: + Madam de Warens had prescribed milk for me, and insisted that I should + take it in the country; I consented, provided she would accompany me; + nothing more was necessary to gain her compliance, and whither we should + go was all that remained to be determined on. Our garden (which I have + before mentioned) was not properly in the country, being surrounded by + houses and other gardens, and possessing none of those attractions so + desirable in a rural retreat; besides, after the death of Anet, we had + given up this place from economical principles, feeling no longer a desire + to rear plants, and other views making us not regret the loss of that + little retreat. Improving the distaste I found she began to imbibe for the + town, I proposed to abandon it entirely, and settle ourselves in an + agreeable solitude, in some small house, distant enough from the city to + avoid the perpetual intrusion of her hangers-on. She followed my advice, + and this plan, which her good angel and mine suggested, might fully have + secured our happiness and tranquility till death had divided us—but + this was not the state we were appointed to; Madam de Warens was destined + to endure all the sorrows of indigence and poverty, after having passed + the former part of her life in abundance, that she might learn to quit it + with the less regret; and myself, by an assemblage of misfortunes of all + kinds, was to become a striking example to those who, inspired with a love + of justice and the public good, and trusting too implicitly to their own + innocence, shall openly dare to assert truth to mankind, unsupported by + cabals, or without having previously formed parties to protect them. + </p> + <p> + An unhappy fear furnished some objections to our plan: she did not dare to + quit her ill-contrived house, for fear of displeasing the proprietor. + “Your proposed retirement is charming,” said she, “and much to my taste, + but we are necessitated to remain here, for, on quitting this dungeon, I + hazard losing the very means of life, and when these fail us in the woods, + we must again return to seek them in the city. That we may have the least + possible cause for being reduced to this necessity, let us not leave this + house entirely, but pay a small pension to the Count of Saint-Laurent, + that he may continue mine. Let us seek some little habitation, far enough + from the town to be at peace, yet near enough to return when it may appear + convenient.” + </p> + <p> + This mode was finally adopted; and after some small search, we fixed at + Charmettes, on an estate belonging to M. de Conzie, at a very small + distance from Chambery; but as retired and solitary as if it had been a + hundred leagues off. The spot we had concluded on was a valley between two + tolerably high hills, which ran north and south; at the bottom, among the + trees and pebbles, ran a rivulet, and above the declivity, on either side, + were scattered a number of houses, forming altogether a beautiful retreat + for those who love a peaceful romantic asylum. After having examined two + or three of these houses, we chose that which we thought the most + pleasing, which was the property of a gentleman of the army, called M. + Noiret. This house was in good condition, before it a garden, forming a + terrace; below that on the declivity an orchard, and on the ascent, behind + the house, a vineyard: a little wood of chestnut trees opposite; a + fountain just by, and higher up the hill, meadows for the cattle; in + short, all that could be thought necessary for the country retirement we + proposed to establish. To the best of my remembrance, we took possession + of it toward the latter end of the summer of 1736. I was delighted on + going to sleep there—“Oh!” said I, to this dear friend, embracing + her with tears of tenderness and delight, “this is the abode of happiness + and innocence; if we do not find them here together it will be in vain to + seek them elsewhere.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK VI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ita magnus + Hortus ubi, et tecto vicinus aqua fons; + Et paulum sylvae super his foret. +</pre> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> cannot add, + ‘auctius acque di melius fecere’; but no matter, the former is enough for + my purpose; I had no occasion to have any property there, it was + sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long since both said and felt, + that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people, even + leaving husbands and lovers out of the question. + </p> + <p> + At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those peaceful and + rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have lived. Precious + and ever-regretted moments! Ah! recommence your delightful course; pass + more slowly through my memory, if possible, than you actually did in your + fugitive succession. How shall I prolong, according to my inclination, + this recital at once so pleasing and simple? How shall I continue to + relate the same occurrences, without wearying my readers with the + repetition, any more than I was satiated with the enjoyment? Again, if all + this consisted of facts, actions, or words, I could somehow or other + convey an idea of it; but how shall I describe what was neither said nor + done, nor even thought, but enjoyed, felt, without being able to + particularize any other object of my happiness than the bare idea? I rose + with the sun, and was happy; I walked, and was happy; I saw Madam de + Warens, and was happy; I quitted her, and still was happy!—Whether I + rambled through the woods, over the hills, or strolled along the valley; + read, was idle, worked in the garden, or gathered fruits, happiness + continually accompanied me; it was fixed on no particular object, it was + within me, nor could I depart from it a single moment. + </p> + <p> + Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did, said, + or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or followed it, + I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused; but here I remember + all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment. Imagination, which in + my youth was perpetually anticipating the future, but now takes a + retrograde course, makes some amends by these charming recollections for + the deprivation of hope, which I have lost forever. I no longer see + anything in the future that can tempt my wishes, it is a recollection of + the past alone that can flatter me, and the remembrance of the period I am + now describing is so true and lively, that it sometimes makes me happy, + even in spite of my misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give some + idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep at + Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warens rather heavy, she + was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing the chairmen + would be fatigued, she got out about half-way, designing to walk the rest + of it. As we passed along, she saw something blue in the hedge, and said, + “There’s some periwinkle in flower yet!” I had never seen any before, nor + did I stop to examine this: my sight is too short to distinguish plants on + the ground, and I only cast a look at this as I passed: an interval of + near thirty years had elapsed before I saw any more periwinkle, at least + before I observed it, when being at Cressier in 1764, with my friend, M. + du Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on the summit of which there is a + level spot, called, with reason, ‘Belle-vue’, I was then beginning to + herbalize;—walking and looking among the bushes, I exclaimed with + rapture, “Ah, there’s some periwinkle!” Du Peyrou, who perceived my + transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will some day be informed: I + hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by this impression, made by so + small an incident, what an effect must have been produced by every + occurrence of that time. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was + languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was obliged + to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the fashionable + remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a course of it, and + so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not only from my illness but + also from my life. The water I drank was rather hard and difficult to + pass, as water from mountains generally is; in short, I managed so well, + that in the course of two months I totally ruined my stomach, which until + that time had been very good, and no longer digesting anything properly, + had no reason to expect a cure. At this time an accident happened, as + singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences, which can only + terminate with my existence. + </p> + <p> + One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of a + small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution + throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than as a + kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a moment + over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so violently that I + not only felt their motion, but even heard it, particularly that of the + carotids, attended by a loud noise in my ears, which was of three, or + rather four, distinct kinds. For instance, first a grave hollow buzzing; + then a more distinct murmur, like the running of water; then an extremely + sharp hissing, attended by the beating I before mentioned, and whose + throbs I could easily count, without feeling my pulse, or putting a hand + to any part of my body. This internal tumult was so violent that it has + injured my auricular organs, and rendered me, from that time, not entirely + deaf, but hard of hearing. + </p> + <p> + My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the stroke + of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for, trembling with + apprehension, I related my case; judging it past all cure. I believe the + doctor was of the same opinion; however he performed his office, running + over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension, after + which, in consequence of this sublime theory, he set about, ‘in anima + vili’, the experimental part of his art, but the means he was pleased to + adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome, disgusting, and + followed by so little effect, that I soon discontinued it, and after some + weeks, finding I was neither better nor worse, left my bed, and returned + to my usual method of living; but the beating of my arteries and the + buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years’ + time which has elapsed since that time. + </p> + <p> + Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of repose, + with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even to this time, + persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea tranquillized me + for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and being persuaded I + could not prolong life, determined to employ the remainder of it as + usefully as possible. This was practicable by a particular indulgence of + Nature, which, in this melancholy state, exempted me from sufferings which + it might have been supposed I should have experienced. I was incommoded by + the noise, but felt no pain, nor was it accompanied by any habitual + inconvenience, except nocturnal wakefulness, and at all times a shortness + of breath, which is not violent enough to be called an asthma, but was + troublesome when I attempted to run, or use any degree of exertion. + </p> + <p> + This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body, only + killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for the happy effect + produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only began to live when I + considered myself as entering the grave; for, estimating at their real + value those things I was quitting; I began to employ myself on nobler + objects, namely by anticipating those I hoped shortly to have the + contemplation of, and which I had hitherto too much neglected. I had often + made light of religion, but was never totally devoid of it; consequently, + it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject, which is + generally thought melancholy, though highly pleasing to those who make it + an object of hope and consolation; Madam de Warens, therefore, was more + useful to me on this occasion than all the theologians in the world would + have been. + </p> + <p> + She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as much by + religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity to + each other. Some were extremely good, and others very ridiculous, being + made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition, and prejudices + derived from education. Men, in general, make God like themselves; the + virtuous make Him good, and the profligate make Him wicked; ill-tempered + and bilious devotees see nothing but hell, because they would willingly + damn all mankind; while loving and gentle souls disbelieve it altogether; + and one of the astonishments I could never overcome, is to see the good + Fenelon speak of it in his Telemachus as if he really gave credit to it; + but I hope he lied in that particular, for however strict he might be in + regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must lie sometimes. Madam de Warens + spoke truth with me, and that soul, made up without gall, who could not + imagine a revengeful and ever angry God, saw only clemency and + forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible justice, and eternal + punishment. + </p> + <p> + She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being should + He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was necessary + to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than he had + given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell, she was + firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from her not + knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them utterly, + nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become so; and we + must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the wicked are + very troublesome company. + </p> + <p> + It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption of + mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of the + Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that the + Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de Warens, + notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to be one, and + certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her that the + Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing that all we + read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, and the death + of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which should teach + mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the religion + she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of faith, but on a + discussion of each particular article, it was plain she thought + diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she professed to + believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a frankness more + eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her confessor; for + she disguised nothing from him. “I am a good Catholic,” she would say, + “and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of my soul the + decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my faith, but I + am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I will endeavor to + believe all,—what can you require more?” + </p> + <p> + Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she would + have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did they seem + to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was required; and + she would have done the same had there been no such requisition: but all + this morality was subordinate to the principles of M. Tavel, or rather she + pretended to see nothing in religion that contradicted them; thus she + would have favored twenty lovers in a day, without any idea of a crime, + her conscience being no more moved in that particular than her passions. I + know that a number of devotees are not more scrupulous, but the difference + is, they are seduced by constitution, she was blinded by her sophisms. In + the midst of conversations the most affecting, I might say the most + edifying, she would touch on this subject, without any change of air or + manner, and without being sensible of any contradiction in her opinions; + so much was she persuaded that our restrictions on that head are merely + political, and that any person of sense might interpret, apply, or make + exceptions to them, without any danger of offending the Almighty. + </p> + <p> + Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this particular, + I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was situated, it would + have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances, since I could + only have sought to establish my opinion for others, myself being an + exception. Besides, I entertained but little hopes of making her alter + hers, which never had any great influence on her conduct, and at the time + I am speaking of none; but I have promised faithfully to describe her + principles, and I will perform my engagement—I now return to myself. + </p> + <p> + Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the + fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and security + from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I would + willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed ready + to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I had but + a short time to live, and profound security on my future state, arose an + habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every passion that + extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without inquietude or concern + the few days which I imagined remained for me. What contributed to render + them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to encourage her rising taste + for the country, by every amusement I could possibly devise, wishing to + attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons, and cows: I amused myself with + them and these little occupations, which employed my time without injuring + my tranquillity, were more serviceable than a milk diet, or all the + remedies bestowed on my poor shattered machine, even to effecting the + utmost possible reestablishment of it. + </p> + <p> + The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the year; + we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society of our + honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and returned + to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was particularly + gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and thought I took + an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it without kissing the + very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful look as I went towards + Chambery. + </p> + <p> + Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the + amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de + Warens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He was + an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke tolerably + well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and instructive + conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions. I could never + bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so generally + adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me great + pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much pleased with + that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his company, I + anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my soul would + enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I had for him + extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began to look after + books which might better enable me to understand his discourse. Those + which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable to me, + particularly Port Royal’s Oratory, and I began to read or rather to devour + them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called ‘Entretiens + sur les Sciences’, which was a kind of introduction to the knowledge of + those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times, and resolved to + make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding my ill state of + health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and though looking on + each day as the last of my life, read with as much avidity as if certain I + was to live forever. + </p> + <p> + I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am + rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but also + to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful, diverted + my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much less affected + by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute ease, but + having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to languishment and + wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I looked on the + gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive and only to be + terminated by death. + </p> + <p> + This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but + delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had + been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon, + convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task + of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor + Madam de Warens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to + flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor. I + discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the use + of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health, as far + as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no excess; I + even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly M. de Conzie, + whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether it struck me as + heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of life yet lingered + in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the apparent certainty of + death, far from relaxing my inclination for improvement, seemed to animate + it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge for the other world, as if + convinced I should only possess that portion I could carry with me. I took + a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose name was Bouchard, which was + frequented by some men of letters, and as the spring (whose return I had + never expected to see again) was approaching, furnished myself with some + books for Charmettes, in case I should have the happiness to return there. + </p> + <p> + I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture + with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible! The + return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into paradise. + The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon and returned + to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the nightingale. I now + thought no more of dying, and it is really singular, that from this time I + never experienced any dangerous illness in the country. I have suffered + greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often said to those about me, on + finding myself worse than ordinary, “Should you see me at the point of + death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and I promise you I shall + recover.” + </p> + <p> + Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength would + permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our garden + without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the spade + without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I stooped + the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to my head, + that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore confined to + less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the dove-house, and was + so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours there without + feeling a moment’s weariness. The pigeon is very timid and difficult to + tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they followed me + everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I appear in the + garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an instant, and + notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their company became so + troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity. I have ever + taken great pleasure in taming animals, particularly those that are wild + and fearful. It appeared delightful to me, to inspire them with a + confidence which I took care never to abuse, wishing them to love me + freely. + </p> + <p> + I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget to + read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me. I + imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be acquainted + with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from thinking that + the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance from other books, + as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I was stopped every + moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and sometimes, before I + could reach the tenth page of what I was studying, found it necessary to + turn over a whole library. I was so attached to this ridiculous method, + that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had bewildered my head to such a + degree, that I was hardly capable of doing, seeing or comprehending + anything. I fortunately perceived, at length, that I was in the wrong + road, which would entangle me in an inextricable labyrinth, and quitted it + before I was irrevocably lost. + </p> + <p> + When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he + perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they mutually + attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is impossible to + attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the human + understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as the + principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the favorite + study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution to improve + was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I should change + my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a + distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various + branches, but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that I + must take each separately, and trace it to that point where it united with + the rest: thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but returned + thither with a conviction that I was going right. Meditation supplied the + want of knowledge, and a very natural reflection gave strength to my + resolutions, which was, that whether I lived or died, I had no time to + lose; for having learned but little before the age of five-and-twenty, and + then resolving to learn everything, was engaging to employ the future time + profitably. I was ignorant at what point accident or death might put a + period to my endeavors, and resolved at all events to acquire with the + utmost expedition some idea of every species of knowledge, as well to try + my natural disposition, as to judge for myself what most deserved + cultivation. + </p> + <p> + In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had + never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably. + Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application + fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an + hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following + another person’s ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have pursued + my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a few pages of + an author with close application, my understanding is bewildered, and + should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no purpose, a stupefaction + seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what I read; but in a + succession of various subjects, one relieves me from the fatigue of the + other, and without finding respite necessary, I can follow them with + pleasure. + </p> + <p> + I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking + care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is + true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing relaxations; + but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived to find + opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about two things + at the same time, without reflecting that both were consequently + neglected. + </p> + <p> + In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently + tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number, + though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care to + inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the different + methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a manner as to + produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the portion of my + life which I passed in this retirement, though in continual ill-health, + was that in which I was least idle and least wearied. Two or three months + were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius; meantime, I + enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and in a spot it rendered + delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly sensible of, + in such a society, as free as it was charming; if a union so perfect, and + the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called society. It + seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I was only in + pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of learning constituted a + great part of my happiness. + </p> + <p> + I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of + enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness + is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of + felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it; + because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable + incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently guilty + of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the same + thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at length my + variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the following + was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose every morning + before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard into a pleasant + path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery. While walking, I + offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips, but a sincere + elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful nature, whose + beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never love to pray in + a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the little workmanship of + man interposed between God and myself: I love to contemplate Him in his + works, which elevate my soul, and raise my thoughts to Him. My prayers + were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore worthy to be heard:—I + asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts were never divided, only an + innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice, sorrow and want; I prayed that + we might die the death of the just, and partake of their lot hereafter: + for the rest, it was rather admiration and contemplation than request, + being satisfied that the best means to obtain what is necessary from the + Giver of every perfect good, is rather to deserve than to solicit. + Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way by taking a roundabout path, + still contemplating with earnestness and delight the beautiful scenes with + which I was surrounded, those only objects that never fatigue either the + eye or the heart. As I approached our habitation, I looked forward to see + if Madam de Warens was stirring, and when I perceived her shutters open, I + even ran with joy towards the house: if they were yet shut I went into the + garden to wait their opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection + of what I had read the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the + shutter drew back I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and + this salute, pure as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, + possessed a charm which the senses can never bestow. We usually + breakfasted on milk-coffee; this was the time of day when we had most + leisure, and when we chatted with the greatest freedom. These sittings, + which were usually pretty long, have given me a fondness for breakfasts, + and I infinitely prefer those of England, or Switzerland, which are + considered as a meal, at which all the family assemble, than those of + France, where they breakfast alone in their several apartments, or more + frequently have none at all. After an hour or two passed in discourse, I + went to my study till dinner; beginning with some philosophical work, such + as the logic of Port-Royal, Locke’s Essays, Mallebranche, Leibnitz, + Descartes, etc. I soon found that these authors perpetually contradict + each other, and formed the chimerical project of reconciling them, which + cost me much labor and loss of time, bewildering my head without any + profit. At length (renouncing this idea) I adopted one infinitely more + profitable, to which I attribute all the progress I have since made, + notwithstanding the defects of my capacity; for ‘tis certain I had very + little for study. On reading each author, I acquired a habit of following + all his ideas, without suffering my own or those of any other writer to + interfere with them, or entering into any dispute on their utility. I said + to myself, “I will begin by laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but + clearly conceived, till my understanding shall be sufficiently furnished + to enable me to compare and make choice of those that are most estimable.” + I am sensible this method is not without its inconveniences, but it + succeeded in furnishing me with a fund of instruction. Having passed some + years in thinking after others, without reflection, and almost without + reasoning, I found myself possessed of sufficient materials to set about + thinking on my own account, and when journeys of business deprived me of + the opportunities of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting + and comparing what I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of + reason, and frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I + began to exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they + had lost their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been + accused of being a servile disciple or of swearing ‘in verba magistri’. + </p> + <p> + From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went + further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a + hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather + seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred the + geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite + authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and + Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused + Father Reynaud’s Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis + Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the + application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method of + performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about: resolving + geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like playing a tune + by turning round a handle. The first time I found by calculation that the + square of a binocular figure was composed of the square of each of its + parts, and double the product of one by the other; though convinced that + my multiplication was right, I could not be satisfied till I had made and + examined the figure: not but I admire algebra when applied to abstract + quantities, but when used to demonstrate dimensions, I wished to see the + operation, and unless explained by lines, could not rightly comprehend it. + </p> + <p> + After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never + made great progress. I began by Port-Royal’s Rudiments, but without + success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last + forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a man + without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory more + retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which at + length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an easy + author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found it + succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not by + writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to read + Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write that + language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found myself (I + know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters. + </p> + <p> + Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I + never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet, + anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and + verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that + without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition + of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience + to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and + whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately + consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many + errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of + versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in + studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable + labor, as I have experienced more than any one. + </p> + <p> + At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my + friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and + when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite + to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so + indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting till + Madam de Warens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was fine, we + drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I had + decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat; we + usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in + conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the + pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden; + these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a + day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warens. I was greatly + interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the + hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they + could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they stung + me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that let me + approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the hives were + full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been surrounded, + having them on my hands and face without apprehending any danger. All + animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when once assured he + does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so great that he + must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it. + </p> + <p> + After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought + rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study. + I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general + any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I + employed myself, ‘tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read + without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history and + geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as much + progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an inclination to + study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of chronology, but was + disgusted at the critical part, which I found had neither bottom nor + banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement of time by the + course of the celestial bodies. I should even have contracted a fondness + for astronomy, had I been in possession of instruments, but was obliged to + content myself with some of the elements of that art, learned from books, + and a few rude observations made with a telescope, sufficient only to give + me a general idea of the situation of the heavenly bodies; for my short + sight is insufficient to distinguish the stars without the help of a + glass. + </p> + <p> + I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has + often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the + constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were + fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on + four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground, + turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a + candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out) and + then placed in the centre of the above-mentioned four supporters; this + done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time referring + to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various constellations. I + think I have before observed that our garden was on a terrace, and lay + open to the road. One night, some country people passing very late, saw me + in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in these observations: the + light, which struck directly on the planisphere, proceeding from a cause + they could not divine (the candle being concealed by the sides of the + pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper, marked over with various + uncouth figures, with the motion of the telescope, which they saw turning + backwards and forwards, gave the whole an air of conjuration that struck + them with horror and amazement. My figure was by no means calculated to + dispel their fears; a flapped hat put on over my nightcap, and a short + cloak about my shoulder (which Madam de Warens had obliged me to put on) + presented in their idea the image of a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, + they made no doubt but this was the beginning of some diabolical assembly, + and having no curiosity to pry further into these mysteries, they fled + with all possible speed, awakened their neighbors, and described this most + dreadful vision. The story spread so fast that the next day the whole + neighborhood was informed that a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in + the garden that belonged to Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might + have been the consequence of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had + been witness to my conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint + to two Jesuits, who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing + the foundation of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits + told us the whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, + which altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for + the future to make my observations without light, and consult my + planisphere in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the + ‘Letters from the Mountain’, may find that I long since had the reputation + of being a conjurer. + </p> + <p> + Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments, for + they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my + strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little + except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two + things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted in + forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that purpose, I + always carried some book with me, which, while at work, I studied with + inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating something, and am really + amazed that the fatigue of these vain and continual efforts did not render + me entirely stupid. I must have learned and relearned the Eclogues of + Virgil twenty times over, though at this time I cannot recollect a single + line of them. I have lost or spoiled a great number of books by a custom I + had of carrying them with me into the dove-house, the garden, orchard or + vineyard, when, being busy about something else, I laid my book at the + foot of a tree, on the hedge, or the first place that came to hand, and + frequently left them there, finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, + rotted to pieces, or eaten by the ants or snails; and this ardor for + learning became so far a madness that it rendered me almost stupid, and I + was perpetually muttering some passage or other to myself. + </p> + <p> + The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most + read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my + confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell, + which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little + disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warens tranquillized my soul, + would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was hers + likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This was a + Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory I shall + ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity of a + child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely what was + necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by Jansenism. + This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came frequently to visit + us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and tedious for men of + their age. These visits were very comfortable to me, which may the + Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I cannot suppose + them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at Chambery, became + acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the library. The + remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the idea of those + Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and though I have ever + thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find myself in a + disposition to hate them cordially. + </p> + <p> + I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in + the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my + studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding + every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented + me. I asked myself, “What state am I in? Should I die at this instant, + must I be damned?” According to my Jansenists the matter was indubitable, + but according to my conscience it appeared quite the contrary: terrified + and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had recourse to the most + laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which I would willingly shut + up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise the same folly. One day, + meditating on this melancholy subject, I exercised myself in throwing + stones at the trunks of trees, with my usual dexterity, that is to say, + without hitting any of them. In the height of this charming exercise, it + entered my mind to make a kind of prognostic, that might calm my + inquietude; I said, “I will throw this stone at the tree facing me; if I + hit my mark, I will consider it as a sign of salvation; if I miss, as a + token of damnation.” While I said this, I threw the stone with a trembling + hand and beating breast but so happily that it struck the body of the + tree, which truly was not a difficult matter, for I had taken care to + choose one that was very large and very near me. From that moment I never + doubted my salvation: I know not on recollecting this trait, whether I + ought to laugh or shudder at myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh + at my folly, congratulate yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult + not my unhappiness, for I swear to you that I feel it most sensibly. + </p> + <p> + These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were + only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on + my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy than + a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found among my + old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made to myself + on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with serenity, + without having experienced any great evils, either of body or mind. How + much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of what I had to + suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded the fate which + must attend my future days. I have never been so near wisdom as during + this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past, nor tormenting + fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul being the enjoyment + of the present. Serious people usually possess a lively sensuality, which + makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures that are allowed them. + Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them as a crime: or rather, I + well know the cause of this imputation, it is because they envy others the + enjoyment of those simple and pure delights which they have lost the + relish of. I had these inclinations, and found it charming to gratify them + in security of conscience. My yet inexperienced heart gave in to all with + the calm happiness of a child, or rather (if I dare use the expression) + with the raptures of an angel; for in reality these pure delights are as + serene as those of paradise. Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers + in our arbor, gathering in the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with + our neighbors; all these were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warens + took as much pleasure as myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer + pleasure, because in them our hearts expanded with greater freedom: one + particularly remains in my memory; it was on a St. Louis’ day, whose name + Madam de Warens bore: we set out together early and unattended, after + having heard a mass at break of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from + a Carmelite, who attended for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the + hills opposite our dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our + provisions on before; the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de + Warens, though rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from + hill to hill and wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the + shade, resting from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; + speaking of ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and + offering up prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything + conspired to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days + previous to this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a + gentle breeze agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from + clouds, serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was + prepared at a peasant’s house, and shared with him and his family, whose + benedictions we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of + people! After dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up + bits of dried sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warens amused herself + with herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for + her in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural + beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a + taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was + arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me, which + diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my mind at + that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object that had + struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I had at + Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an account of + in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected me even to + tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de Warens. “My + dearest friend,” said I, “this day has long since been promised me: I can + see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means, is at its height; may + it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am sensible of its value—then + it can only finish with my life.” + </p> + <p> + Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing + that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of my + former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another course, + which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the remedy + might accompany the evil. Madam de Warens naturally loved the country, and + this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little she contracted + a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the most of her land, + and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised with pleasure. + </p> + <p> + Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field, + then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of + agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in the + way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see this + passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I was + certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant + disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits; + however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless, + and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form, + this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the + light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual + employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out of + the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover my + health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook her + laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this + naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from + books and study, was serviceable to my health. + </p> + <p> + The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some + books; and among others, the ‘Bontempi’ and ‘la Cartella per Musica’, of + Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for + the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some + time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go to + Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother’s inheritance, or at + least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained what + had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been resolved: + I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had occasionally visited + Geneva a long time since, without its being particularly noticed, though + the decree that had been pronounced against him had never been reversed; + but being esteemed for his courage, and respected for his probity, the + situation of his affairs was pretended to be forgotten; or perhaps, the + magistrates, employed with the great project that broke out some little + time after, were not willing to alarm the citizens by recalling to their + memory, at an improper time, this instance of their former partiality. + </p> + <p> + I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having + changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less + harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his + religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights, + however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how, + reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty that + my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not lay + claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who enjoyed + it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities adjusted, + and I had received my money, some of which I expended in books, than I + flew with the remainder to Madam de Warens; my heart beat with joy during + the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her hands, was + to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it into mine. + She received this with a simplicity common to great souls, who, doing + similar actions without effort, see them without admiration; indeed it was + almost all expended for my use, for it would have been employed in the + same manner had it come from any other quarter. + </p> + <p> + My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as + death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries was + extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a continual + oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I could + scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without + vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the most + tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It is + certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The vapors is + a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I frequently + shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling of a leaf, + or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm of a most + pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of happiness, and + carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We are so + little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not suffer + together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences, the good + state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness of the + other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my weakened frame would + not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without my being able to + particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in the decline of life; + after having encountered very serious and real evils, my body seemed to + regain its strength, as if on purpose to encounter additional misfortunes; + and, at the moment I write this, though infirm, near sixty, and + overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer than + I ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age, and in + the bosom of real happiness. + </p> + <p> + To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other readings: + I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude, movement, and + wonderful construction of the various parts that composed the human + machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected to feel + mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised to find + myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not read the + description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I not been + already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from this study. + Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I had them + all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I yet suffered, + which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent inclination + to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when once a person + begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting, and comparing, I + became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was a polypus at the + heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide with the idea. Reasonably + this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution of considering + myself past cure; this, however, was not the case; on the contrary; I + exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy for a + polypus, resolving to undertake this marvellous cure. + </p> + <p> + In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical garden + there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been informed + that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I fancied myself + afflicted with: Madam de Warens, recollecting this circumstance, mentioned + it to me, and nothing more was necessary to inspire me with a desire to + consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery gave me courage and strength + to undertake the journey; the money from Geneva furnished the means; Madam + de Warens, far from dissuading, entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, + without further ceremony, set out for Montpelier!—but it was not + necessary to go so far to find the cure I was in search of. + </p> + <p> + Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at + Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in a + rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new + married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage, + not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride + was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far + as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity + it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an + acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them; + but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being obliged + to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any + backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very + unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired, for + all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health, + particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens extremely + insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming acquainted with a + man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was precisely what happened + to me. Madam du Colombier was too much surrounded by her young gallants to + have any opportunity of paying much attention to me; besides, it was not + worthwhile, as we were to separate in so short a time; but Madam de + Larnage (less attended to than her young friend) had to provide herself + for the remainder of the journey; behold me, then, attacked by Madam de + Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques, or rather farewell to fever, + vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished when in her presence. The ill + state of my health was the first subject of our conversation; they saw I + was indisposed, knew I was going to Montpelier, but my air and manner + certainly did not exhibit the appearance of a libertine, since it was + clear by what followed they did not suspect I was going there for a reason + that carries many that road. + </p> + <p> + In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take + chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had passed + the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without + thought, I replied, “I did not know,” which answer naturally made them + conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the examination + turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in their opinion, + and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, “He is amiable, but + not sufficiently acquainted with the world.” These words were a great + encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable. + </p> + <p> + As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some little + account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me greatly, + for I was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit, the + very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not by what + whimsicality I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in consequence + of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and was readily + believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the name I assumed + with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who was one of the + company, an invalid like myself, and both old and ill-tempered,took it in + his head to begin a long conversation with me. He spoke of King James, of + the Pretender, and the old court of St. Germain’s; I sat on thorns the + whole time, for I was totally unacquainted with all these except what + little I had picked up in the account of Earl Hamilton, and from the + gazettes; however, I made such fortunate use of the little I did know as + to extricate myself from this dilemma, happy in not being questioned on + the English language, which I did not know a single word of. + </p> + <p> + The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of + separation with regret, and therefore made snails’ journeys. We arrived + one Sunday at St. Marcelein’s; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I + accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest + reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and + conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own + account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part + to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not + easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how I + should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my + figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous idea + there was no folly I was not guilty of. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Larnage persisted in such caressing behavior, that a much wiser + man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously. The more obvious her + advances were, the more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what increased + my torment, I found I was really in love with her. I frequently said to + myself, and sometimes to her, sighing, “Ah! why is not all this real? then + should I be the most fortunate of men.” I am inclined to think my + stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make her determined to get + the better of it. + </p> + <p> + We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de Larnage, the + Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route slowly, and in the + most agreeable manner. The marquis, though indisposed, and rather + ill-humored, was an agreeable companion, but was not best pleased at + seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me, while he passed + unregarded; for Madam de Larnage took so little care to conceal her + inclination, that he perceived it sooner than I did, and his sarcasms must + have given me that confidence I could not presume to take from the + kindness of the lady, if by a surmise, which no one but myself could have + blundered on, I had not imagined they perfectly understood each other, and + were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule. This foolish idea completed + my stupidity, making me act the most ridiculous part, while, had I + listened to the feelings of my heart, I might have been performing one far + more brilliant. I am astonished that Madam de Larnage was not disgusted at + my folly, and did not discard me with disdain; but she plainly perceived + there was more bashfulness than indifference in my composition. + </p> + <p> + We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our usual custom passed + the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of the city, at the St. + James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner, Madam de Larnage + proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no walker, consequently, this + was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete, which she was predetermined to + make the most of. While we were walking round the city by the side of the + moats, I entered on a long history of my complaint, to which she answered + in so tender an accent, frequently pressing my arm, which she held to her + heart, that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced of the + sincerity of her attachment. I have already observed that she was amiable; + love rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth: and she + managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient to have + seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy + circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration; but + the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed at, + ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by the + satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that, though + ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take courage to surmount + it. I had ended the history of my complaints, which I felt the + ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how to look, or what to + say, continued silent, giving the finest opportunity in the world for that + ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily, Madam de Larnage took a more + favorable resolution, and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing + her arms round my neck, while, at the same instant, her lips spoke too + plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood. This was reposing that + confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from + appearing myself: for once I was at ease, my heart, eyes and tongue, spoke + freely what I felt; never did I make better reparation for my mistakes, + and if this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some difficulties, I + have reason to believe she did not regret them. + </p> + <p> + Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming woman. + I say charming, for though neither young nor beautiful, she was neither + old nor ugly, having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit + and accomplishments from producing all their effects. It was possible to + see her without falling in love, but those she favored could not fail to + adore her; which proves, in my opinion, that she was not generally so + prodigal of her favors. It is true, her inclination for me was so sudden + and lively, that it scarce appears excusable; though from the short, but + charming interval I passed with her, I have reason to think her heart was + more influenced than her passions. + </p> + <p> + Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis; not + that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he treated me as + a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the rigors of his mistress; + not a word, smile, or look escaped him by which I could imagine he + suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him completely deceived, + had not Madam de Larnage, who was more clear-sighted than myself, assured + me of the contrary; but he was a well-bred man, and it was impossible to + behave with more attention or greater civility, than he constantly paid me + (notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially after my success, + which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he perhaps gave me the + honor of achieving. It has already been seen that he was mistaken in this + particular; but no matter, I profited by his error, for being conscious + that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies in good part, and + sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for, proud of the + reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to discover in + me, I no longer appeared the same man. + </p> + <p> + We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere + excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I would + willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied + with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to + provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his + master, the rogue always took care that the marquis’ chamber should be + close by Madam de Larnage’s, while mine was at the further end of the + house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our + rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days, + during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure and + serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; and, I + may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the + world without having tasted real pleasure. + </p> + <p> + If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least a + very tender return of what she testified for me; our meetings were so + delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that kind + of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our + happiness. I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that was + not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her which + I had been sensible of, and yet continued to possess, for Madam de Warens; + but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times more + delightful. When with Madam de Warens, my felicity was always disturbed by + a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it impossible to + surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of so much + happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing to render + her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Lamage, I was proud + of my happiness, and gave in to it without repugnance, while my triumph + redoubled every other charm. + </p> + <p> + I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in + this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar, where + Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and accommodate + me with a seat in hers. It will easily be believed, that travelling in + this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I should be very + much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed through. She had + some business at Montelimar, which detained her there two or three days; + during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an hour, for a visit + she could not avoid, which embarrassed her with a number of invitations + she had no inclination to accept, and therefore excused herself by + pleading some indisposition; though she took care this should not prevent + our walking together every day, in the most charming country, and under + the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three days! what reason have I to + regret them! Never did such happiness return again. + </p> + <p> + The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we should + part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I was weary of my + happiness, but I might as well have been. We endeavored to comfort each + other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; and it + was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpelier (which + would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in such a + manner as to prevent scandal) I should return to Saint-Andiol, and spend + the winter under her direction. She gave me ample instruction on what it + was necessary I should know, on what it would be proper to say; and how I + should conduct myself. She spoke much and earnestly on the care of my + health, conjured me to consult skilful physicians, and be attentive and + exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might happen to be. I + believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and gave proofs of her + affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her favors; for judging + by my mode of travelling, that I was not in very affluent circumstances + (though not rich herself), on our parting, she would have had me share the + contents of her purse, which she had brought pretty well furnished from + Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I could make her put up with a + denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full of her idea, and leaving in + hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm attachment to me. + </p> + <p> + While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over + everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well + satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I could + ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited + my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol; of the life I was to lead + there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the + whole universe besides was nothing to me—even Madam de Warens was + forgotten!—I set about combining all the details by which Madam de + Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of the + neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding everything + charming. + </p> + <p> + She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest terms of + maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen, lively, charming, and of an + amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised me her friendship; I had + not forgotten that promise, and was curious to know how Mademoiselle de + Larnage would treat her mother’s ‘bon ami’. These were the subjects of my + reveries from the bridge of St. Esprit to Remoulin: I had been advised to + visit the Pont-du-Gard; hitherto I had seen none of the remaining + monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this worthy the + hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality surpassed my + expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever did so, and the + Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view of this noble and + sublime work, struck me the more forcibly, from being in the midst of a + desert, where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more + striking, and admiration more lively, for though called a bridge it is + nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help exclaiming, what strength + could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry? And + what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men, in a + place that no one inhabited? I remained here whole hours, in the most + ravishing contemplation, and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn. + This reverie was by no means favorable to Madam de Larnage; she had taken + care to forewarn me against the girls of Montpelier, but not against the + Pont-du-Gard—it is impossible to provide for every contingency. + </p> + <p> + On my arrival at Nismes, I went to see the amphitheatre, which is a far + more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a much less + impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been already + exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the latter, in + the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. This vast and superb + circus is surrounded by small dirty houses, while yet smaller and dirtier + fill up the area, in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and + confused effect, in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and + surprise. The amphitheatre at Verona is a vast deal smaller, and less + beautiful than that at Nismes, but preserved with all possible care and + neatness, by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable + impression on me. The French pay no regard to these things, respect no + monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they never finish, nor + preserve anything that is already finished to their hands. + </p> + <p> + I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise, that I + stopped a whole day at Pont-du-Lunel, for the sake of good entertainment + and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in + Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its fortunate situation + turn to advantage, took care to provide both abundance and variety. It was + really curious to find in a lonely country-house, a table every day + furnished with sea and fresh-water fish, excellent game, and choice wines, + served up with all the attention and care, which are only to be expected + among the great or opulent, and all this for thirty five sous each person: + but the Pont-du-Lunel did not long remain on this footing, for the + proprietor, presuming too much on its reputation, at length lost it + entirely. + </p> + <p> + During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but recollected them + again on my arrival at Montpelier. My vapors were absolutely gone, but + every other complaint remained, and though custom had rendered them less + troublesome, they were still sufficient to make any one who had been + suddenly seized with them, suppose himself attacked by some mortal + disease. In effect they were rather alarming than painful, and made the + mind suffer more than the body, though it apparently threatened the latter + with destruction. While my attention was called off by the vivacity of my + passions, I paid no attention to my health; but as my complaints were not + altogether imaginary, I thought of them seriously when the tumult had + subsided. Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam de Larnage, and the + cause of my journey, I consulted the most famous practitioners, + particularly Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance of precaution + boarded at a doctor’s who was an Irishman, and named Fitz-Morris. + </p> + <p> + This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic; + and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he contented + himself with a moderate pension for provisions, lodging, etc., and took + nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician. He even undertook + to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and endeavored to re-establish my + health. He certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment; as to + regimen, indigestions were not to be gained at his table; and though I am + not much hurt at privations of that kind, the objects of comparison were + so near, that I could not help thinking with myself sometimes, that M. de + Torignan was a much better provider than M. Fitz-Morris; notwithstanding, + as there was no danger of dying with hunger, and all the youths were gay + and good-humored, I believe this manner of living was really serviceable, + and prevented my falling into those languors I had latterly been so + subject to. I passed the morning in taking medicines, particularly, I know + not what kind of waters, but believe they were those of Vals, and in + writing to Madam de Larnage: for the correspondence was regularly kept up, + and Rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters for his good friend + Dudding. At noon I took a walk to the Canourgue, with some of our young + boarders, who were all very good lads; after this we assembled for dinner; + when this was over, an affair of importance employed the greater part of + us till night; this was going a little way out of town to take our + afternoon’s collation, and make up two or three parties at mall, or + mallet. As I had neither strength nor skill, I did not play myself but I + betted on the game, and, interested for the success of my wager, followed + the players and their balls over rough and stony roads, procuring by this + means both an agreeable and salutary exercise. We took our afternoon’s + refreshment at an inn out of the city. I need not observe that these + meetings were extremely merry, but should not omit that they were equally + innocent, though the girls of the house were very pretty. M. Fitz-Morris + (who was a great mall player himself) was our president; and I must + observe, notwithstanding the imputation of wildness that is generally + bestowed on students, that I found more virtuous dispositions among these + youths than could easily be found among an equal number of men: they were + rather noisy than fond of wine, and more merry than libertine. + </p> + <p> + I accustomed myself so much to this mode of life, and it accorded so + entirely with my humor, that I should have been very well content with a + continuance of it. Several of my fellow-boarders were Irish, from whom I + endeavored to learn some English words, as a precaution for Saint-Andiol. + The time now drew near for my departure; every letter Madam de Larnage + wrote, she entreated me not to delay it, and at length I prepared to obey + her. + </p> + <p> + I was convinced that the physicians (who understood nothing of my + disorder) looked on my complaint as imaginary, and treated me accordingly, + with their waters and whey. In this respect physicians and philosophers + differ widely from theologians; admitting the truth only of what they can + explain, and making their knowledge the measure of possibilities. These + gentlemen understood nothing of my illness, therefore concluded I could + not be ill; and who would presume to doubt the profound skill of a + physician? I plainly saw they only meant to amuse, and make me swallow my + money; and judging their substitute at Saint-Andiol would do me quite as + much service, and be infinitely more agreeable, I resolved to give her the + preference; full, therefore, of this wise resolution, I quitted + Montpelier. + </p> + <p> + I set off towards the end of November, after a stay of six weeks or two + months in that city, where I left a dozen louis, without either my health + or understanding being the better for it, except from a short course of + anatomy begun under M. Fitz-Morris, which I was soon obliged to abandon, + from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected, which I found it + impossible to endure. + </p> + <p> + Not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this + expedition, as I advanced towards the Bridge of St. Esprit (which was + equally the road to Saint-Andiol and to Chambery) I began to reflect on + Madam de Warens, the remembrance of whose letters, though less frequent + than those from Madam de Larnage, awakened in my heart a remorse that + passion had stifled in the first part of my journey, but which became so + lively on my return, that, setting just estimate on the love of pleasure, + I found myself in such a situation of mind that I could listen wholly to + the voice of reason. Besides, in continuing to act the part of an + adventurer, I might be less fortunate than I had been in the beginning; + for it was only necessary that in all Saint-Andiol there should be one + person who had been in England, or who knew the English or anything of + their language, to prove me an impostor. The family of Madam de Larnage + might not be pleased with me, and would, perhaps, treat me unpolitely; her + daughter too made me uneasy, for, spite of myself, I thought more of her + than was necessary. I trembled lest I should fall in love with this girl, + and that very fear had already half done the business. Was I going, in + return for the mother’s kindness, to seek the ruin of the daughter? To sow + dissension, dishonor, scandal, and hell itself, in her family? The very + idea struck me with horror, and I took the firmest resolution to combat + and vanquish this unhappy attachment, should I be so unfortunate as to + experience it. But why expose myself to this danger? How miserable must + the situation be to live with the mother, whom I should be weary of, and + sigh for the daughter, without daring to make known my affection! What + necessity was there to seek this situation, and expose myself to + misfortunes, affronts and remorse, for the sake of pleasures whose + greatest charm was already exhausted? For I was sensible this attachment + had lost its first vivacity. With these thoughts were mingled reflections + relative to my situation and duty to that good and generous friend, who + already loaded with debts, would become more so from the foolish expenses + I was running into, and whom I was deceiving so unworthily. This reproach + at length became so keen that it triumphed over every temptation, and on + approaching the bridge of St. Esprit I formed the resolution to burn my + whole magazine of letters from Saint-Andiol, and continue my journey right + forward to Chambery. + </p> + <p> + I executed this resolution courageously, with some sighs I confess, but + with the heart-felt satisfaction, which I enjoyed for the first time in my + life, of saying, “I merit my own esteem, and know how to prefer duty to + pleasure.” This was the first real obligation I owed my books, since these + had taught me to reflect and compare. After the virtuous principles I had + so lately adopted, after all the rules of wisdom and honor I had proposed + to myself, and felt so proud to follow, the shame of possessing so little + stability, and contradicting so egregiously my own maxims, triumphed over + the allurements of pleasure. Perhaps, after all, pride had as much share + in my resolution as virtue; but if this pride is not virtue itself, its + effects are so similar that we are pardonable in deceiving ourselves. + </p> + <p> + One advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul to + a disposition of attempting still better; for such is human weakness, that + we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes we are + tempted to commit. No sooner was my resolution confirmed than I became + another man, or rather, I became what I was before I had erred, and saw in + its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either concealed + or disguised. Full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions, I continued + my journey, intending to regulate my future conduct by the laws of virtue, + and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of friends, to whom I + vowed as much fidelity in future as I felt real attachment. The sincerity + of this return to virtue appeared to promise a better destiny; but mine, + alas! was fixed, and already begun: even at the very moment when my heart, + full of good and virtuous sentiments, was contemplating only innocence and + happiness through life, I touched on the fatal period that was to draw + after it the long chain of my misfortunes! + </p> + <p> + My impatience to arrive at Chambery had made me use more diligence than I + meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence, mentioning the day and hour + I should arrive, but I had gained half a day on this calculation, which + time I passed at Chaparillan, that I might arrive exactly at the time I + mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of seeing + her, and preferred deferring this happiness a little, that expectancy + might increase the value of it. This precaution had always succeeded; + hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday; I expected no less this + time, and these preparations, so dear to me, would have been well worth + the trouble of contriving them. + </p> + <p> + I arrived then exactly at the hour, and while at a considerable distance, + looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me. + The beating of my heart increased as I drew near the house; at length I + arrived, quite out of breath; for I had left my chaise in the town. I see + no one in the garden, at the door, or at the windows; I am seized with + terror, fearful that some accident has happened. I enter; all is quiet; + the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen, and far from + observing any preparation, the servants seem surprised to see me, not + knowing I was expected. I go up-stairs, at length see her!—that dear + friend! so tenderly, truly, and entirely beloved. I instantly ran towards + her, and threw myself at her feet. “Ah! child!” said she, “art thou + returned then!” embracing me at the same time. “Have you had a good + journey? How do you do?” This reception amused me for some moments. I then + asked, whether she had received my letter? she answered “Yes.”—“I + should have thought not,” replied I; and the information concluded there. + A young man was with her at this time. I recollected having seen him in + the house before my departure, but at present he seemed established there; + in short, he was so; I found my place already supplied! + </p> + <p> + This young man came from the country of Vaud; his father, named + Vintzenried, was keeper of the prison, or, as he expressed himself, + Captain of the Castle of Chillon. This son of the captain was a journeyman + peruke-maker, and gained his living in that capacity when he first + presented himself to Madam de Warens, who received him kindly, as she did + all comers, particularly those from her own country. He was a tall, fair, + silly youth; well enough made, with an unmeaning face, and a mind of the + same description, speaking always like the beau in a comedy, and mingling + the manners and customs of his former situation with a long history of his + gallantry and success; naming, according to his account, not above half + the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending never to have dressed + the head of a pretty woman, without having likewise decorated her + husband’s; vain, foolish, ignorant and insolent; such was the worthy + substitute taken in my absence, and the companion offered me on my return! + </p> + <p> + O! if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds, yet view from the + bosom of eternal light what passes here below, pardon, dear and + respectable shade, that I show no more favor to your failings than my own, + but equally unveil both. I ought and will be just to you as to myself; but + how much less will you lose by this resolution than I shall! How much do + your amiable and gentle disposition, your inexhaustible goodness of heart, + your frankness and other amiable virtues, compensate for your foibles, if + a subversion of reason alone can be called such. You had errors, but not + vices; your conduct was reprehensible, but your heart was ever pure. + </p> + <p> + The new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little + commissions, which were ever numerous, and he diligently overlooked the + laborers. As noisy and insolent as I was quiet and forbearing, he was seen + or rather heard at the plough, in the hay-loft, wood-house, stable, + farm-yard, at the same instant. He neglected the gardening, this labor + being too peaceful and moderate; his chief pleasure was to load or drive + the cart, to saw or cleave wood; he was never seen without a hatchet or + pick-axe in his hand, running, knocking and hallooing with all his might. + I know not how many men’s labor he performed, but he certainly made noise + enough for ten or a dozen at least. All this bustle imposed on poor Madam + de Warens; she thought this young man a treasure, and, willing to attach + him to herself, employed the means she imagined necessary for that + purpose, not forgetting what she most depended on, the surrender of her + person. + </p> + <p> + Those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some + judgment of my heart; its sentiments were the most constant and sincere, + particularly those which had brought me back to Chambery; what a sudden + and complete overthrow was this to my whole being! but to judge fully of + this, the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation. I saw + all the future felicity I had promised myself vanish in a moment; all the + charming ideas I had indulged so affectionately, disappear entirely; and + I, who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for + a moment as separate from hers, for the first time saw myself utterly + alone. This moment was dreadful, and those that succeeded it were ever + gloomy. I was yet young, but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and + hope, which enliven youth, were extinguished. From that hour my existence + seemed half annihilated. I contemplated in advance the melancholy remains + of an insipid life, and if at any time an image of happiness glanced + through my mind, it was not that which appeared natural to me, and I felt + that even should I obtain it I must still be wretched. + </p> + <p> + I was so dull of apprehension, and my confidence in her was so great, + that, notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer, which I looked + on as an effect of the easy disposition of Madam de Warens, which rendered + her free with everyone, I never should have suspected his real situation + had not she herself informed me of it; but she hastened to make this + avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment, could my + heart have turned to that point. Speaking of this connection as quite + immaterial with respect to herself, she reproached me with negligence in + the care of the family, and mentioned my frequent absence, as though she + had been in haste to supply my place. “Ah!” said I, my heart bursting with + the most poignant grief, “what do you dare to inform me of? Is this the + reward of an attachment like mine? Have you so many times preserved my + life, for the sole purpose of taking from me all that could render it + desirable? Your infidelity will bring me to the grave, but you will regret + my loss!” She answered with a tranquillity sufficient to distract me, that + I talked like a child; that people did not die from such slight causes; + that our friendship need be no less sincere, nor we any less intimate, for + that her tender attachment to me could neither diminish nor end but with + herself; in a word she gave me to understand that my happiness need not + suffer any decrease from the good fortune of this new favorite. + </p> + <p> + Never did the purity, truth and force of my attachment to her appear more + evident; never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more + forcibly, than at that moment. I threw myself at her feet, embracing her + knees with torrents of tears. “No, madam,” replied I, with the most + violent agitation, “I love you too much to disgrace you thus far, and too + truly to share you; the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of + your favors has continued to increase with my affection. I cannot preserve + them by so violent an augmentation of it. You shall ever have my + adoration: be worthy of it; to me that is more necessary than all you can + bestow. It is to you, O my dearest friend! that I resign my rights; it is + to the union of our hearts that I sacrifice my pleasure; rather would I + perish a thousand times than thus degrade her I love.” + </p> + <p> + I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy, I may say, of the + sentiment that gave it birth. From this moment I saw this beloved woman + but with the eyes of a real son. It should be remarked here, that this + resolve did not meet her private approbation, as I too well perceived; yet + she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by + insinuating proposals, caresses, or any of those means which women so well + know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure, and + which seldom fail to succeed. Reduced to seek a fate independent of hers, + and not able to devise one, I passed to the other extreme, placing my + happiness so absolutely in her, that I became almost regardless of myself. + The ardent desire to see her happy, at any rate, absorbed all my + affections; it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from + mine, I felt I had a part in it, spite of every impediment. + </p> + <p> + Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my + misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the + fermentation of adversity to become prolific. The first-fruit of this + disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of + hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me. I even sincerely wished + to attach myself to this young man; to form and educate him; to make him + sensible of his happiness, and, if possible, render him worthy of it; in a + word, to do for him what Anet had formerly done for me. But the similarity + of dispositions was wanting. More insinuating and enlightened than Anet, I + possessed neither his coolness, fortitude, nor commanding strength of + character, which I must have had in order to succeed. Neither did the + young man possess those qualities which Anet found in me; such as + gentleness, gratitude, and above all, the knowledge of a want of his + instructions, and an ardent desire to render them useful. All these were + wanting; the person I wished to improve, saw in me nothing but an + importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary he admired his own + importance in the house, measuring the services he thought he rendered by + the noise he made, and looking on his saws, hatchets, and pick-axes, as + infinitely more useful than all my old books: and, perhaps, in this + particular, he might not be altogether blamable; but he gave himself a + number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with laughter. With the + peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman; presently he did as + much with me, and at length with Madam de Warens herself. His name, + Vintzenried, did not appear noble enough, he therefore changed it to that + of Monsieur de Courtilles, and by the latter appellation he was known at + Chambery, and in Maurienne, where he married. + </p> + <p> + At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of + consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself nothing. When + I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded Madam de Warens, and a + fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to all his + whims, so that every time he cleaved wood (an office which he performed + with singular pride) it was necessary I should be an idle spectator and + admirer of his prowess. This lad was not, however, of a bad disposition; + he loved Madam de Warens, indeed it was impossible to do otherwise; nor + had he any aversion even to me, and when he happened to be out of his airs + would listen to our admonitions, and frankly own he was a fool; yet + notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies continued in the same + proportion. His knowledge was so contracted, and his inclinations so mean, + that it was useless to reason, and almost impossible to be pleased with + him. Not content with a most charming woman, he amused himself with an old + red-haired, toothless waiting-maid, whose unwelcome service Madam de + Warens had the patience to endure, though it was absolutely disgusting. I + soon perceived this new inclination, and was exasperated at it; but I saw + something else, which affected me yet more, and made a deeper impression + on me than anything had hitherto done; this was a visible coldness in the + behavior of Madam de Warens towards me. + </p> + <p> + The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to approve, + is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive. Take the most + sensible, the most philosophic female, one the least attached to pleasure, + and slighting her favors, if within your reach, will be found the most + unpardonable crime, even though she may care nothing for the man. This + rule is certainly without exception; since a sympathy so natural and + ardent was impaired in her, by an abstinence founded only on virtue, + attachment and esteem, I no longer found with her that union of hearts + which constituted all the happiness of mine; she seldom sought me but when + we had occasion to complain of this new-comer, for when they were agreed, + I enjoyed but little of her confidence, and, at length, was scarcely ever + consulted in her affairs. She seemed pleased, indeed, with my company, but + had I passed whole days without seeing her she would hardly have missed + me. + </p> + <p> + Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had + formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express myself, I had + enjoyed a double life, and by degrees, I accustomed myself to disregard + everything that passed, and even those who dwelt there. To avoid continual + mortifications, I shut myself up with my books, or else wept and sighed + unnoticed in the woods. This life soon became insupportable; I felt that + the presence of a woman so dear to me, while estranged from her heart, + increased my unhappiness, and was persuaded, that, ceasing to see her, I + should feel myself less cruelly separated. + </p> + <p> + I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and she, + far from opposing my resolution, approved it. She had an acquaintance at + Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was on terms of + friendship with Monsieur Malby, chief Provost of Lyons. M. Deybens + proposed my educating M. Malby’s children; I accepted this offer, and + departed for Lyons without causing, and almost without feeling, the least + regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a few months before, would + have given us both the most excruciating torments. + </p> + <p> + I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor, and flattered + myself that my method would be unexceptionable; but the year I passed at + M. Malby’s was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular. The natural + gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the employment, if + hastiness had not been mingled with it. While things went favorably, and I + saw the pains (which I did not spare) succeed, I was an angel; but a devil + when they went contrary. If my pupils did not understand me, I was hasty, + and when they showed any symptoms of an untoward disposition, I was so + provoked that I could have killed them; which behavior was not likely to + render them either good or wise. I had two under my care, and they were of + very different tempers. St. Marie, who was between eight and nine years + old, had a good person and quick apprehension, was giddy, lively, playful + and mischievous; but his mischief was ever good-humored. The younger one, + named Condillac, appeared stupid and fretful, was headstrong as a mule, + and seemed incapable of instruction. It may be supposed that between both + I did not want employment, yet with patience and temper I might have + succeeded; but wanting both, I did nothing worth mentioning, and my pupils + profited very little. I could only make use of three means, which are very + weak, and often pernicious with children; namely, sentiment, reasoning, + passion. I sometimes exerted myself so much with St. Marie, that I could + not refrain from tears, and wished to excite similar sensations in him; as + if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such + emotions. Sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning, as if persuaded he + could comprehend me; and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments, + concluded he must be reasonable, because he bid fair to be so good a + logician. + </p> + <p> + The little Condillac was still more embarrassing; for he neither + understood, answered, nor was concerned at anything; he was of an + obstinacy beyond belief, and was never happier than when he had succeeded + in putting me in a rage; then, indeed, he was the philosopher, and I the + child. I was conscious of all my faults, studied the tempers of my pupils, + and became acquainted with them; but where was the use of seeing the evil, + without being able to apply a remedy? My penetration was unavailing, since + it never prevented any mischief; and everything I undertook failed, + because all I did to effect my designs was precisely what I ought not to + have done. + </p> + <p> + I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself, than in + what concerned my pupils. Madam Deybens, in recommending me to her friend + Madam de Malby, had requested her to form my manners, and endeavor to give + me an air of the world. She took some pains on this account, wishing to + teach me how to do the honors of the house; but I was so awkward, bashful, + and stupid, that she found it necessary to stop there. This, however, did + not prevent me from falling in love with her, according to my usual + custom; I even behaved in such a manner, that she could not avoid + observing it; but I never durst declare my passion; and as the lady never + seemed in a humor to make advances, I soon became weary of my sighs and + ogling, being convinced they answered no manner of purpose. + </p> + <p> + I had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with Madam de + Warens; indeed, as everything belonged to me, there was nothing to steal; + besides, the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to have rendered me in + future above such meanness, and generally speaking they certainly did so; + but this rather proceeded from my having learned to conquer temptations, + than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity, and I should even now + greatly dread stealing, as in my infancy, were I yet subject to the same + inclinations. I had a proof of this at M. Malby’s, when, though surrounded + by a number of little things that I could easily have pilfered, and which + appeared no temptation, I took it into my head to covert some white Arbois + wine, some glasses of which I had drank at table, and thought delicious. + It happened to be rather thick, and as I fancied myself an excellent finer + of wine, I mentioned my skill, and this was accordingly trusted to my + care, but in attempting to mend, I spoiled it, though to the sight only, + for it remained equally agreeable to the taste. Profiting by this + opportunity, I furnished myself from time to time with a few bottles to + drink in my own apartment; but unluckily, I could never drink without + eating; the difficulty lay therefore, in procuring bread. It was + impossible to make a reserve of this article, and to have it brought by + the footman was discovering myself, and insulting the master of the house; + I could not bear to purchase it myself; how could a fine gentleman, with a + sword at his side, enter a baker’s shop to buy a small loaf of bread? it + was utterly impossible. At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of + a great princess, who, on being informed that the country people had no + bread, replied, “Then let them eat pastry!” Yet even this resource was + attended with a difficulty. I sometimes went out alone for this very + purpose, running over the whole city, and passing thirty pastry cook’s + shops, without daring to enter any one of them. In the first place, it was + necessary there should be only one person in the shop, and that person’s + physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the + threshold; but when once the dear little cake was procured, and I shut up + in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine, taken cautiously from the + bottom of a cupboard, how much did I enjoy drinking my wine, and reading a + few pages of a novel; for when I have no company I always wish to read + while eating; it seems a substitute for society, and I dispatch + alternately a page and a morsel; ‘tis indeed, as if my book dined with me. + </p> + <p> + I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having been + intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very indiscreet, yet + they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and though no notice was + taken of it, I had no longer the management of the cellar. In all this + Monsieur Malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness, being + really a very deserving man, who, under a manner as harsh as his + employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon + goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what would not be + expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane. + </p> + <p> + Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him, which made + my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have been; but at length, + disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for, and a + situation of great confinement, consequently disagreeable to me, after a + year’s trial, during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my + engagement, I determined to quit my pupils; being convinced I should never + succeed in educating them properly. Monsieur Malby saw this as clearly as + myself, though I am inclined to think he would never have dismissed me had + I not spared him the trouble, which was an excess of condescension in this + particular, that I certainly cannot justify. + </p> + <p> + What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I was + continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had + quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden, trees, fountain + and orchard, but, above all, the company of her who was born to give life + and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to mind our pleasures and + innocent life, I was seized with such oppressions and heaviness of heart, + as deprived me of the power of performing anything as it should be. A + hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on foot to my dear Madam + de Warens, being persuaded that could I once more see her, I should be + content to die that moment: in fine, I could no longer resist the tender + emotions which recalled me back to her, whatever it might cost me. I + accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient, complaisant and + kind; concluding I might yet live happily with her on the terms of tender + friendship, and by showing more for her than I had hitherto done. I formed + the finest projects in the world, burned to execute them, left all, + renounced everything, departed, fled, and arriving in all the transports + of my early youth, found myself once more at her feet. Alas! I should have + died there with joy, had I found in her reception, in her embrace, or in + her heart, one-quarter of what I had formerly found there, and which I yet + found the undiminished warmth of. + </p> + <p> + Fearful illusions of transitory things, how often dost thou torment us in + vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which could only die + with her; but I sought the influence there which could never be recalled, + and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once more convinced + that my former happiness had vanished forever, and that I was in the same + melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly from; yet without + being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness, for Courtilles really + was not to blame, appearing to see my return with more pleasure than + dissatisfaction. But how could I bear to be a secondary person with her to + whom I had been everything, and who could never cease being such to me? + How could I live an alien in that house where I had been the child? The + sight of every object that had been witness to my former happiness, + rendered the comparison yet more distressing; I should have suffered less + in any other habitation, for this incessantly recalled such pleasing + remembrances, that it was irritating the recollection of my loss. + </p> + <p> + Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy melancholy, I + resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at meals; shut up with my + books, I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas, and feeling the + imminent danger of want, which I had so long dreaded, I sought means to + prepare for and receive it, when Madam de Warens should have no other + resource. I had placed her household on a footing not to become worse; but + since my departure everything had been altered. He who now managed her + affairs was a spendthrift, and wished to make a great appearance; such as + keeping a good horse with elegant trappings; loved to appear gay in the + eyes of the neighbors, and was perpetually undertaking something he did + not understand. Her pension was taken up in advance, her rent was in + arrears, debts of every kind continued to accumulate; I could plainly + foresee that her pension would be seized, and perhaps suppressed; in + short, I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune, and the moment appeared + to approach so rapidly that I already felt all its horrors. + </p> + <p> + My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for remedies + for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some against the evil + of distressing circumstances, which I daily expected would fall upon us, + and returning to my old chimeras, behold me once more building castles in + the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which + I saw her ready to fall. I did not believe myself wise enough to shine in + the republic of letters, or to stand any chance of making a fortune by + that means; a new idea, therefore, inspired me with that confidence, which + the mediocrity of my talents could not impart. + </p> + <p> + In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on the + contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well + informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had cost me to + read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at + sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of + noting as from my own dulness, being sensible it was an art which most + people find difficult to understand. By examining the formation of the + signs, I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised. I had before + thought of marking the gamut by figures, to prevent the trouble of having + lines to draw, on noting the plainest air; but had been stopped by the + difficulty of the octaves, and by the distinction of measure and quantity: + this idea returned again to my mind, and on a careful revision of it, I + found the difficulties by no means insurmountable. I pursued it + successfully, and was at length able to note any music whatever by + figures, with the greatest exactitude and simplicity. From this moment I + supposed my fortune made, and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom + I owed everything, thought only of going to Paris, not doubting that on + presenting my project to the Academy, it would be adopted with rapture. I + had brought some money from Lyons; I augmented this stock by the sale of + my books, and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both formed + and executed: in short, full of the magnificent ideas it had inspired, and + which were common to me on every occasion, I departed from Savoy with my + new system of music, as I had formerly done from Turin with my + heron-fountain. + </p> + <p> + Such have been the errors and faults of my youth; I have related the + history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper years + were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them with the same + frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but I must forego this + pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders justice to the characters + of most men, may withdraw the veil; and should my memory reach posterity, + they may one day discover what I had to say—they will then + understand why I am now silent. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK VII. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>fter two years’ + silence and patience, and notwithstanding my resolutions, I again take up + my pen: Reader, suspend your judgment as to the reasons which force me to + such a step: of these you can be no judge until you shall have read my + book. + </p> + <p> + My peaceful youth has been seen to pass away calmly and agreeably without + any great disappointments or remarkable prosperity. This mediocrity was + mostly owing to my ardent yet feeble nature, less prompt in undertaking + than easy to discourage; quitting repose for violent agitations, but + returning to it from lassitude and inclinations, and which, placing me in + an idle and tranquil state for which alone I felt I was born, at a + distance from the paths of great virtues and still further from those of + great vices, never permitted me to arrive at anything great, either good + or bad. What a different account will I soon have to give of myself! Fate, + which for thirty years forced my inclinations, for thirty others has + seemed to oppose them; and this continued opposition, between my situation + and inclinations, will appear to have been the source of enormous faults, + unheard of misfortunes, and every virtue except that fortitude which alone + can do honor to adversity. + </p> + <p> + The history of the first part of my life was written from memory, and is + consequently full of errors. As I am obliged to write the second part from + memory also, the errors in it will probably be still more numerous. The + agreeable remembrance of the finest portion of my years, passed with so + much tranquillity and innocence, has left in my heart a thousand charming + impressions which I love incessantly to call to my recollection. It will + soon appear how different from these those of the rest of my life have + been. To recall them to my mind would be to renew their bitterness. Far + from increasing that of my situation by these sorrowful reflections, I + repel them as much as possible, and in this endeavor often succeed so well + as to be unable to find them at will. This facility of forgetting my + misfortunes is a consolation which Heaven has reserved to me in the midst + of those which fate has one day to accumulate upon my head. My memory, + which presents to me no objects but such as are agreeable, is the happy + counterpoise of my terrified imagination, by which I foresee nothing but a + cruel futurity. + </p> + <p> + All the papers I had collected to aid my recollection, and guide me in + this undertaking, are no longer in my possession, nor can I ever again + hope to regain them. + </p> + <p> + I have but one faithful guide on which I can depend: this is the chain of + the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has been marked, + and by these the events which have been either the cause or the effect of + the manner of it. I easily forget my misfortunes, but I cannot forget my + faults, and still less my virtuous sentiments. The remembrance of these is + too dear to me ever to suffer them to be effaced from my mind. I may omit + facts, transpose events, and fall into some errors of dates; but I cannot + be deceived in what I have felt, nor in that which from sentiment I have + done; and to relate this is the chief end of my present work. The real + object of my confessions is to communicate an exact knowledge of what I + interiorly am and have been in every situation of my life. I have promised + the history of my mind, and to write it faithfully I have no need of other + memoirs: to enter into my own heart, as I have hitherto done, will alone + be sufficient. + </p> + <p> + There is, however, and very happily, an interval of six or seven years, + relative to which I have exact references, in a collection of letters + copied from the originals, in the hands of M. du Peyrou. This collection, + which concludes in 1760, comprehends the whole time of my residence at the + hermitage, and my great quarrel with those who called themselves my + friends; that memorable epocha of my life, and the source of all my other + misfortunes. With respect to more recent original letters which may remain + in my possession, and are but few in number, instead of transcribing them + at the end of this collection, too voluminous to enable me to deceive the + vigilance of my Arguses, I will copy them into the work whenever they + appear to furnish any explanation, be this either for or against myself; + for I am not under the least apprehension lest the reader should forget I + make my confession, and be induced to believe I make my apology; but he + cannot expect I shall conceal the truth when it testifies in my favor. + </p> + <p> + The second part, it is likewise to be remembered, contains nothing in + common with the first, except truth; nor has any other advantage over it, + but the importance of the facts; in everything else, it is inferior to the + former. I wrote the first with pleasure, with satisfaction, and at my + ease, at Wootton, or in the castle Trie: everything I had to recollect was + a new enjoyment. I returned to my closet with an increased pleasure, and, + without constraint, gave that turn to my descriptions which most flattered + my imagination. + </p> + <p> + At present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me almost + incapable of every kind of application: my present undertaking is the + result of constraint, and a heart full of sorrow. I have nothing to treat + of but misfortunes, treacheries, perfidies, and circumstances equally + afflicting. I would give the world, could I bury in the obscurity of time + every thing I have to say, and which, in spite of myself, I am obliged to + relate. I am, at the same time, under the necessity of being mysterious + and subtle, of endeavoring to impose and of descending to things the most + foreign to my nature. The ceiling under which I write has eyes; the walls + of my chamber have ears. Surrounded by spies and by vigilant and + malevolent inspectors, disturbed, and my attention diverted, I hastily + commit to paper a few broken sentences, which I have scarcely time to + read, and still less to correct. I know that, notwithstanding the barriers + which are multiplied around me, my enemies are afraid truth should escape + by some little opening. What means can I take to introduce it to the + world? This, however, I attempt with but few hopes of success. The reader + will judge whether or not such a situation furnishes the means of + agreeable descriptions, or of giving them a seductive coloring! I + therefore inform such as may undertake to read this work, that nothing can + secure them from weariness in the prosecution of their task, unless it be + the desire of becoming more fully acquainted with a man whom they already + know, and a sincere love of justice and truth. + </p> + <p> + In my first part I brought down my narrative to my departure with infinite + regret for Paris, leaving my heart at Charmettes, and, there building my + last castle in the air, intending some day to return to the feet of mamma, + restored to herself, with the treasures I should have acquired, and + depending upon my system of music as upon a certain fortune. + </p> + <p> + I made some stay at Lyons to visit my acquaintance, procure letters of + recommendation to Paris, and to sell my books of geometry which I had + brought with me. I was well received by all whom I knew. M. and Madam de + Malby seemed pleased to see me again, and several times invited me to + dinner. At their house I became acquainted with the Abbe de Malby, as I + had already done with the Abbe de Condillac, both of whom were on a visit + to their brother. The Abbe de Malby gave me letters to Paris; among + others, one to M. de Pontenelle, and another to the Comte de Caylus. These + were very agreeable acquaintances, especially the first, to whose + friendship for me his death only put a period, and from whom, in our + private conversations, I received advice which I ought to have more + exactly followed. + </p> + <p> + I likewise saw M. Bordes, with whom I had been long acquainted, and who + had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the most real + pleasure. He it was who enabled me to sell my books; and he also gave me + from himself good recommendations to Paris. I again saw the intendant for + whose acquaintance I was indebted to M. Bordes, and who introduced me to + the Duke de Richelieu, who was then passing through Lyons. M. Pallu + presented me. The Duke received me well, and invited me to come and see + him at Paris; I did so several times; although this great acquaintance, of + which I shall frequently have occasion to speak, was never of the most + trifling utility to me. + </p> + <p> + I visited the musician David, who, in one of my former journeys, and in my + distress, had rendered me service. He had either lent or given me a cap + and a pair of stockings, which I have never returned, nor has he ever + asked me for them, although we have since that time frequently seen each + other. I, however, made him a present, something like an equivalent. I + would say more upon this subject, were what I have owned in question; but + I have to speak of what I have done, which, unfortunately, is far from + being the same thing. + </p> + <p> + I also saw the noble and generous Perrichon, and not without feeling the + effects of his accustomed munificence; for he made me the same present he + had previously done to the elegant Bernard, by paying for my place in the + diligence. I visited the surgeon Parisot, the best and most benevolent of + men; as also his beloved Godefroi, who had lived with him ten years, and + whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle manners and goodness of heart. + It was impossible to see this woman without pleasure, or to leave her + without regret. Nothing better shows the inclinations of a man, than the + nature of his attachments. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Unless he be deceived in his choice, or that she, to whom he + attaches himself, changes her character by an extraordinary + concurrence of causes, which is not absolutely impossible. Were + this consequence to be admitted without modification, Socrates must + be judged of by his wife Xantippe, and Dion by his friend Calippus, + which would be the most false and iniquitous judgment ever made. + However, let no injurious application be here made to my wife. She + is weak and more easily deceived than I at first imagined, but by + her pure and excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem.] +</pre> + <p> + Those who had once seen the gentle Godefroi, immediately knew the good and + amiable Parisot. + </p> + <p> + I was much obliged to all these good people, but I afterwards neglected + them all; not from ingratitude, but from that invincible indolence which + so often assumes its appearance. The remembrance of their services has + never been effaced from my mind, nor the impression they made from my + heart; but I could more easily have proved my gratitude, than assiduously + have shown them the exterior of that sentiment. Exactitude in + correspondence is what I never could observe; the moment I began to relax, + the shame and embarrassment of repairing my fault made me aggravate it, + and I entirely desist from writing; I have, therefore, been silent, and + appeared to forget them. Parisot and Perrichon took not the least notice + of my negligence, and I ever found them the same. But, twenty years + afterwards it will be seen, in M. Bordes, to what a degree the self-love + of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels himself neglected. + </p> + <p> + Before I leave Lyons, I must not forget an amiable person, whom I again + saw with more pleasure than ever, and who left in my heart the most tender + remembrance. This was Mademoiselle Serre, of whom I have spoken in my + first part; I renewed my acquaintance with her whilst I was at M. de + Malby’s. + </p> + <p> + Being this time more at leisure, I saw her more frequently, and she made + the most sensible impressions on my heart. I had some reason to believe + her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions; but she honored me with her + confidence so far as to remove from me all temptation to allure her + partiality. + </p> + <p> + She had no fortune, and in this respect exactly resembled myself; our + situations were too similar to permit us to become united; and with the + views I then had, I was far from thinking of marriage. She gave me to + understand that a young merchant, one M. Geneve, seemed to wish to obtain + her hand. I saw him once or twice at her lodgings; he appeared to me to be + an honest man, and this was his general character. Persuaded she would be + happy with him, I was desirous he should marry her, which he afterwards + did; and that I might not disturb their innocent love, I hastened my + departure; offering up, for the happiness of that charming woman, prayers, + which, here below were not long heard. Alas! her time was very short, for + I afterwards heard she died in the second or third year after her + marriage. My mind, during the journey, was wholly absorbed in tender + regret. I felt, and since that time, when these circumstances have been + present to my recollection, have frequently done the same; that although + the sacrifices made to virtue and our duty may sometimes be painful, we + are well rewarded by the agreeable remembrance they leave deeply engraven + in our hearts. + </p> + <p> + I this time saw Paris in as favorable a point of view as it had appeared + to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey; not that my ideas of its + brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings; for in consequence of + an address given me by M. Bordes, I resided at the Hotel St. Quentin, Rue + des Cordiers, near the Sorbonne; a vile street, a miserable hotel, and a + wretched apartment: but nevertheless a house in which several men of + merit, such as Gresset, Bordes, Abbe Malby, Condillac, and several others, + of whom unfortunately I found not one, had taken up their quarters; but I + there met with M. Bonnefond, a man unacquainted with the world, lame, + litigious, and who affected to be a purist. To him I owe the acquaintance + of M. Roguin, at present the oldest friend I have and by whose means I + became acquainted with Diderot, of whom I shall soon have occasion to say + a good deal. + </p> + <p> + I arrived at Paris in the autumn of 1741, with fifteen louis in my purse, + and with my comedy of Narcissus and my musical project in my pocket. These + composed my whole stock; consequently I had not much time to lose before I + attempted to turn the latter to some advantage. I therefore immediately + thought of making use of my recommendations. + </p> + <p> + A young man who arrives at Paris, with a tolerable figure, and announces + himself by his talents, is sure to be well received. This was my good + fortune, which procured me some pleasure without leading to anything + solid. Of all the persons to whom I was recommended, three only were + useful to me. M. Damesin, a gentleman of Savoy, at that time equerry, and + I believe favorite, of the Princess of Carignan; M. de Boze, Secretary of + the Academy of Inscriptions, and keeper of the medals of the king’s + cabinet; and Father Castel, a Jesuit, author of the ‘Clavecin oculaire’.—[ocular + harpsichord.] + </p> + <p> + All these recommendations, except that to M. Damesin, were given me by the + Abbe de Malby. + </p> + <p> + M. Damesin provided me with that which was most needful, by means of two + persons with whom he brought me acquainted. One was M. Gase, ‘president a + mortier’ of the parliament of Bordeaux, and who played very well upon the + violin; the other, the Abbe de Leon, who then lodged in the Sorbonne, a + young nobleman; extremely amiable, who died in the flower of his age, + after having, for a few moments, made a figure in the world under the name + of the Chevalier de Rohan. Both these gentlemen had an inclination to + learn composition. In this I gave them lessons for a few months, by which + means my decreasing purse received some little aid. The Abbe Leon + conceived a friendship for me, and wished me to become his secretary; but + he was far from being rich, and all the salary he could offer me was eight + hundred livres, which, with infinite regret, I refused; since it was + insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging, food, and clothing. + </p> + <p> + I was well received by M. de Boze. He had a thirst for knowledge, of which + he possessed not a little, but was somewhat pedantic. Madam de Boze much + resembled him; she was lively and affected. I sometimes dined with them, + and it is impossible to be more awkward than I was in her presence. Her + easy manner intimidated me, and rendered mine more remarkable. When she + presented me a plate, I modestly put forward my fork to take one of the + least bits of what she offered me, which made her give the plate to her + servant, turning her head aside that I might not see her laugh. She had + not the least suspicion that in the head of the rustic with whom she was + so diverted there was some small portion of wit. M. de Boze presented me + to M. de Reaumur, his friend, who came to dine with him every Friday, the + day on which the Academy of Sciences met. He mentioned to him my project, + and the desire I had of having it examined by the academy. M. de Reaumur + consented to make the proposal, and his offer was accepted. On the day + appointed I was introduced and presented by M. de Reaumur, and on the same + day, August 22d, 1742, I had the honor to read to the academy the memoir I + had prepared for that purpose. Although this illustrious assembly might + certainly well be expected to inspire me with awe, I was less intimidated + on this occasion than I had been in the presence of Madam de Boze, and I + got tolerably well through my reading and the answers I was obliged to + give. The memoir was well received, and acquired me some compliments by + which I was equally surprised and flattered, imagining that before such an + assembly, whoever was not a member of it could not have commonsense. The + persons appointed to examine my system were M. Mairan, M. Hellot, and M. + de Fouchy, all three men of merit, but not one of them understood music, + at least not enough of composition to enable them to judge of my project. + </p> + <p> + During my conference with these gentlemen, I was convinced with no less + certainty than surprise, that if men of learning have sometimes fewer + prejudices than others, they more tenaciously retain those they have. + However weak or false most of their objections were, and although I + answered them with great timidity, and I confess, in bad terms, yet with + decisive reasons, I never once made myself understood, or gave them any + explanation in the least satisfactory. I was constantly surprised at the + facility with which, by the aid of a few sonorous phrases, they refuted, + without having comprehended me. They had learned, I know not where, that a + monk of the name of Souhaitti had formerly invented a mode of noting the + gamut by ciphers: a sufficient proof that my system was not new. This + might, perhaps, be the case; for although I had never heard of Father + Souhaitti, and notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven notes + without attending to the octaves was not, under any point of view, worthy + of entering into competition with my simple and commodious invention for + easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music, keys, rests, + octaves, measure, time, and length of note; things on which Souhaitti had + never thought: it was nevertheless true, that with respect to the + elementary expression of the seven notes, he was the first inventor. + </p> + <p> + But besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance than + was due to it, they went still further, and, whenever they spoke of the + fundamental principles of the system, talked nonsense. The greatest + advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions and keys, so that + the same piece of music was noted and transposed at will by means of the + change of a single initial letter at the head of the air. These gentlemen + had heard from the music-masters of Paris that the method of executing by + transposition was a bad one; and on this authority converted the most + evident advantage of my system into an invincible objection against it, + and affirmed that my mode of notation was good for vocal music, but bad + for instrumental; instead of concluding as they ought to have done, that + it was good for vocal, and still better for instrumental. On their report + the academy granted me a certificate full of fine compliments, amidst + which it appeared that in reality it judged my system to be neither new + nor useful. I did not think proper to ornament with such a paper the work + entitled ‘Dissertation sur la musique moderne’, by which I appealed to the + public. + </p> + <p> + I had reason to remark on this occasion that, even with a narrow + understanding, the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is preferable + for the purpose of judging of it, to all the lights resulting from a + cultivation of the sciences, when to these a particular study of that in + question has not been joined. The only solid objection to my system was + made by Rameau. I had scarcely explained it to him before he discovered + its weak part. “Your signs,” said he, “are very good inasmuch as they + clearly and simply determine the length of notes, exactly represent + intervals, and show the simple in the double note, which the common + notation does not do; but they are objectionable on account of their + requiring an operation of the mind, which cannot always accompany the + rapidity of execution. The position of our notes,” continued he, “is + described to the eye without the concurrence of this operation. If two + notes, one very high and the other very low, be joined by a series of + intermediate ones, I see at the first glance the progress from one to the + other by conjoined degrees; but in your system, to perceive this series, I + must necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other; the glance of + the eye is here useless.” The objection appeared to me insurmountable, and + I instantly assented to it. Although it be simple and striking, nothing + can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of the art, and it is by + no means astonishing that not one of the academicians should have thought + of it. But what creates much surprise is, that these men of great + learning, and who are supposed to possess so much knowledge, should so + little know that each ought to confine his judgment to that which relates + to the study with which he has been conversant. + </p> + <p> + My frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system and the + other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming acquainted with the + most distinguished men of letters in Paris, and by this means the + acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my sudden admission + amongst them, which afterwards came to pass, was already established. With + respect to the present moment, absorbed in my new system of music, I + obstinately adhered to my intention of effecting a revolution in the art, + and by that means of acquiring a celebrity which, in the fine arts, is in + Paris mostly accompanied by fortune. I shut myself in my chamber and + labored three or four months with inexpressible ardor, in forming into a + work for the public eye, the memoir I had read before the academy. The + difficulty was to find a bookseller to take my manuscript; and this on + account of the necessary expenses for new characters, and because + booksellers give not their money by handfuls to young authors; although to + me it seemed but just my work should render me the bread I had eaten while + employed in its composition. + </p> + <p> + Bonnefond introduced me to Quillau the father, with whom I agreed to + divide the profits, without reckoning the privilege, of which I paid the + whole expense. Such were the future proceedings of this Quillau that I + lost the expenses of my privilege, never having received a farthing from + that edition; which, probably, had but very middling success, although the + Abbe des Fontaines promised to give it celebrity, and, notwithstanding the + other journalists, had spoken of it very favorably. + </p> + <p> + The greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was the fear, + in case of its not being received, of losing the time necessary to learn + it. To this I answered, that my notes rendered the ideas so clear, that to + learn music by means of the ordinary characters, time would be gained by + beginning with mine. To prove this by experience, I taught music gratis to + a young American lady, Mademoiselle des Roulins, with whom M. Roguin had + brought me acquainted. In three months she read every kind of music, by + means of my notation, and sung at sight better than I did myself, any + piece that was not too difficult. This success was convincing, but not + known; any other person would have filled the journals with the detail, + but with some talents for discovering useful things, I never have + possessed that of setting them off to advantage. + </p> + <p> + Thus was my airy castle again overthrown; but this time I was thirty years + of age, and in Paris, where it is impossible to live for a trifle. The + resolution I took upon this occasion will astonish none but those by whom + the first part of these memoirs has not been read with attention. I had + just made great and fruitless efforts, and was in need of relaxation. + Instead of sinking with despair I gave myself up quietly to my indolence + and to the care of Providence; and the better to wait for its assistance + with patience, I lay down a frugal plan for the slow expenditure of a few + louis, which still remained in my possession, regulating the expense of my + supine pleasures without retrenching it; going to the coffee-house but + every other day, and to the theatre but twice a week. With respect to the + expenses of girls of easy virtue, I had no retrenchment to make; never + having in the whole course of my life applied so much as a farthing to + that use except once, of which I shall soon have occasion to speak. The + security, voluptuousness, and confidence with which I gave myself up to + this indolent and solitary life, which I had not the means of continuing + for three months, is one of the singularities of my life, and the oddities + of my disposition. The extreme desire I had the public should think of me + was precisely what discouraged me from showing myself; and the necessity + of paying visits rendered them to such a degree insupportable, that I + ceased visiting the academicians and other men of letters, with whom I had + cultivated an acquaintance. Marivaux, the Abbe Malby, and Fontenelle, were + almost the only persons whom I sometimes went to see. To the first I + showed my comedy of Narcissus. He was pleased with it, and had the + goodness to make in it some improvements. Diderot, younger than these, was + much about my own age. He was fond of music, and knew it theoretically; we + conversed together, and he communicated to me some of his literary + projects. This soon formed betwixt us a more intimate connection, which + lasted fifteen years, and which probably would still exist were not I, + unfortunately, and by his own fault, of the same profession with himself. + </p> + <p> + It would be impossible to imagine in what manner I employed this short and + precious interval which still remained to me, before circumstances forced + me to beg my bread:—in learning by memory passages from the poets + which I had learned and forgotten a hundred times. Every morning at ten + o’clock, I went to walk in the Luxembourg with a Virgil and a Rousseau in + my pocket, and there, until the hour of dinner, I passed away the time in + restoring to my memory a sacred ode or a bucolic, without being + discouraged by forgetting, by the study of the morning, what I had learned + the evening before. I recollected that after the defeat of Nicias at + Syracuse the captive Athenians obtained a livelihood by reciting the poems + of Homer. The use I made of this erudition to ward off misery was to + exercise my happy memory by learning all the poets by rote. + </p> + <p> + I had another expedient, not less solid, in the game of chess, to which I + regularly dedicated, at Maugis, the evenings on which I did not go to the + theatre. I became acquainted with M. de Legal, M. Husson, Philidor, and + all the great chess players of the day, without making the least + improvement in the game. However, I had no doubt but, in the end, I should + become superior to them all, and this, in my own opinion, was a sufficient + resource. The same manner of reasoning served me in every folly to which I + felt myself inclined. I said to myself: whoever excels in anything is sure + to acquire a distinguished reception in society. Let us therefore excel, + no matter in what, I shall certainly be sought after; opportunities will + present themselves, and my own merit will do the rest. This childishness + was not the sophism of my reason; it was that of my indolence. Dismayed at + the great and rapid efforts which would have been necessary to call forth + my endeavors, I strove to flatter my idleness, and by arguments suitable + to the purpose, veiled from my own eyes the shame of such a state. + </p> + <p> + I thus calmly waited for the moment when I was to be without money; and + had not Father Castel, whom I sometimes went to see in my way to the + coffee-house, roused me from my lethargy, I believe I should have seen + myself reduced to my last farthing without the least emotion. Father + Castel was a madman, but a good man upon the whole; he was sorry to see me + thus impoverish myself to no purpose. “Since musicians and the learned,” + said he, “do not sing by your scale, change the string, and apply to the + women. You will perhaps succeed better with them. I have spoken of you to + Madam de Beuzenval; go to her from me; she is a good woman who will be + glad to see the countryman of her son and husband. You will find at her + house Madam de Broglie, her daughter, who is a woman of wit. Madam Dupin + is another to whom I also have mentioned you; carry her your work; she is + desirous of seeing you, and will receive you well. No thing is done in + Paris without the women. They are the curves, of which the wise are the + asymptotes; they incessantly approach each other, but never touch.” + </p> + <p> + After having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable steps, I at + length took courage, and called upon Madam de Beuzenval. She received me + with kindness; and Madam de Broglio entering the chamber, she said to her: + “Daughter, this is M. Rousseau, of whom Father Castel has spoken to us.” + Madam de Broglie complimented me upon my work, and going to her + harpsichord proved to me she had already given it some attention. + Perceiving it to be about one o’clock, I prepared to take my leave. Madam + de Beuzenval said to me: “You are at a great distance from the quarter of + the town in which you reside; stay and dine here.” I did not want asking a + second time. A quarter of an hour afterwards, I understood, by a word, + that the dinner to which she had invited me was that of her servants’ + hall. Madam de Beuzenval was a very good kind of woman, but of a confined + understanding, and too full of her illustrious Polish nobility: she had no + idea of the respect due to talents. On this occasion, likewise, she judged + me by my manner rather than by my dress, which, although very plain, was + very neat, and by no means announced a man to dine with servants. I had + too long forgotten the way to the place where they eat to be inclined to + take it again. Without suffering my anger to appear, I told Madam de + Beuzenval that I had an affair of a trifling nature which I had just + recollected obliged me to return home, and I immediately prepared to + depart. Madam de Broglie approached her mother, and whispered in her ear a + few words which had their effect. Madam de Beuzenval rose to prevent me + from going, and said, “I expect that you will do us the honor to dine with + us.” In this case I thought to show pride would be a mark of folly, and I + determined to stay. The goodness of Madam de Broglie had besides made an + impression upon me, and rendered her interesting in my eyes. I was very + glad to dine with her, and hoped, that when she knew me better, she would + not regret having procured me that honor. The President de Lamoignon, very + intimate in the family, dined there also. He, as well as Madam de Broglie, + was a master of all the modish and fashionable small talk jargon of Paris. + Poor Jean Jacques was unable to make a figure in this way. I had sense + enough not to pretend to it, and was silent. Happy would it have been for + me, had I always possessed the same wisdom; I should not be in the abyss + into which I am now fallen. I was vexed at my own stupidity, and at being + unable to justify to Madam de Broglie what she had done in my favor. + </p> + <p> + After dinner I thought of my ordinary resource. I had in my pocket an + epistle in verse, written to Parisot during my residence at Lyons. This + fragment was not without some fire, which I increased by my manner of + reading, and made them all three shed tears. Whether it was vanity, or + really the truth, I thought the eyes of Madam de Broglie seemed to say to + her mother: “Well, mamma, was I wrong in telling you this man was fitter + to dine with us than with your women?” Until then my heart had been rather + burdened, but after this revenge I felt myself satisfied. Madam de + Broglie, carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far, thought I + should immediately acquire fame in Paris, and become a favorite with fine + ladies. To guide my inexperience she gave me the confessions of the Count + de ——-. “This book,” said she, “is a Mentor, of which you will + stand in need in the great world. You will do well by sometimes consulting + it.” I kept the book upwards of twenty years with a sentiment of gratitude + to her from whose hand I had received it, although I frequently laughed at + the opinion the lady seemed to have of my merit in gallantry. From the + moment I had read the work, I was desirous of acquiring the friendship of + the author. My inclination led me right; he is the only real friend I ever + possessed amongst men of letters. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [I have so long been of the same opinion, and so perfectly convinced + of its being well founded, that since my return to Paris I confided + to him the manuscript of my confessions. The suspicious J. J. + never suspected perfidy and falsehood until he had been their + victim.] +</pre> + <p> + From this time I thought I might depend on the services of Madam the + Baroness of Beuzenval, and the Marchioness of Broglie, and that they would + not long leave me without resource. In this I was not deceived. But I must + now speak of my first visit to Madam Dupin, which produced more lasting + consequences. + </p> + <p> + Madam Dupin was, as every one in Paris knows, the daughter of Samuel + Bernard and Madam Fontaine. There were three sisters, who might be called + the three graces. Madam de la Touche who played a little prank, and went + to England with the Duke of Kingston. Madam Darby, the eldest of the + three; the friend, the only sincere friend of the Prince of Conti; an + adorable woman, as well by her sweetness and the goodness of her charming + character, as by her agreeable wit and incessant cheerfulness. Lastly, + Madam Dupin, more beautiful than either of her sisters, and the only one + who has not been reproached with some levity of conduct. + </p> + <p> + She was the reward of the hospitality of M. Dupin, to whom her mother gave + her in marriage with the place of farmer general and an immense fortune, + in return for the good reception he had given her in his province. When I + saw her for the first time, she was still one of the finest women in + Paris. She received me at her toilette, her arms were uncovered, her hair + dishevelled, and her combing-cloth ill-arranged. This scene was new to me; + it was too powerful for my poor head, I became confused, my senses + wandered; in short, I was violently smitten by Madam Dupin. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0268.jpg" alt="0268 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0268.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + My confusion was not prejudicial to me; she did not perceive it. She + kindly received the book and the author; spoke with information of my + plan, sung, accompanied herself on the harpsichord, kept me to dinner, and + placed me at table by her side. Less than this would have turned my brain; + I became mad. She permitted me to visit her, and I abused the permission. + I went to see her almost every day, and dined with her twice or thrice a + week. I burned with inclination to speak, but never dared attempt it. + Several circumstances increased my natural timidity. Permission to visit + in an opulent family was a door open to fortune, and in my situation I was + unwilling to run the risk of shutting it against myself. + </p> + <p> + Madam Dupin, amiable as she was, was serious and unanimated; I found + nothing in her manners sufficiently alluring to embolden me. Her house, at + that time, as brilliant as any other in Paris, was frequented by societies + the less numerous, as the persons by whom they were composed were chosen + on account of some distinguished merit. She was fond of seeing every one + who had claims to a marked superiority; the great men of letters, and fine + women. No person was seen in her circle but dukes, ambassadors, and blue + ribbons. The Princess of Rohan, the Countess of Forcalquier, Madam de + Mirepoix, Madam de Brignole, and Lady Hervey, passed for her intimate + friends. The Abbes de Fontenelle, de Saint Pierre, and Saltier, M. de + Fourmont, M. de Berms, M. de Buffon, and M. de Voltaire, were of her + circle and her dinners. If her reserved manner did not attract many young + people, her society inspired the greater awe, as it was composed of graver + persons, and the poor Jean-Jacques had no reason to flatter himself he + should be able to take a distinguished part in the midst of such superior + talents. I therefore had not courage to speak; but no longer able to + contain myself, I took a resolution to write. For the first two days she + said not a word to me upon the subject. On the third day, she returned me + my letter, accompanying it with a few exhortations which froze my blood. I + attempted to speak, but my words expired upon my lips; my sudden passion + was extinguished with my hopes, and after a declaration in form I + continued to live with her upon the same terms as before, without so much + as speaking to her even by the language of the eyes. + </p> + <p> + I thought my folly was forgotten, but I was deceived. M. de Francueil, son + to M. Dupin, and son-in-law to Madam Dupin, was much the same with herself + and me. He had wit, a good person, and might have pretensions. This was + said to be the case, and probably proceeded from his mother-in-law’s + having given him an ugly wife of a mild disposition, with whom, as well as + with her husband, she lived upon the best of terms. M. de Francueil was + fond of talents in others, and cultivated those he possessed. Music, which + he understood very well, was a means of producing a connection between us. + I frequently saw him, and he soon gained my friendship. He, however, + suddenly gave me to understand that Madam Dupin thought my visits too + frequent, and begged me to discontinue them. Such a compliment would have + been proper when she returned my letter; but eight or ten days afterwards, + and without any new cause, it appeared to me ill-timed. This rendered my + situation the more singular, as M. and Madam de Francueil still continued + to give me the same good reception as before. + </p> + <p> + I however made the intervals between my visits longer, and I should + entirely have ceased calling on them, had not Madam Dupin, by another + unexpected caprice, sent to desire I would for a few days take care of her + son, who changing his preceptor, remained alone during that interval. I + passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the pleasure of obeying + Madam Dupin could render supportable: I would not have undertaken to pass + eight other days like them had Madam Dupin given me herself for the + recompense. + </p> + <p> + M. de Francueil conceived a friendship for me, and I studied with him. We + began together a course of chemistry at Rouelles. That I might be nearer + at hand, I left my hotel at Quentin, and went to lodge at the Tennis + Court, Rue Verdelet, which leads into the Rue Platiere, where M. Dupin + lived. There, in consequence of a cold neglected, I contracted an + inflammation of the lungs that had liked to have carried me off. In my + younger days I frequently suffered from inflammatory disorders, + pleurisies, and especially quinsies, to which I was very subject, and + which frequently brought me near enough to death to familiarize me to its + image. + </p> + <p> + During my convalescence I had leisure to reflect upon my situation, and to + lament my timidity, weakness and indolence; these, notwithstanding the + fire with which I found myself inflamed, left me to languish in an + inactivity of mind, continually on the verge of misery. The evening + preceding the day on which I was taken ill, I went to an opera by Royer; + the name I have forgotten. Notwithstanding my prejudice in favor of the + talents of others, which has ever made me distrustful of my own, I still + thought the music feeble, and devoid of animation and invention. I + sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself: I think I could do better than + that. But the terrible idea I had formed of the composition of an opera, + and the importance I heard men of the profession affix to such an + undertaking, instantly discouraged me, and made me blush at having so much + as thought of it. Besides, where was I to find a person to write the + words, and one who would give himself the trouble of turning the poetry to + my liking? These ideas of music and the opera had possession of my mind + during my illness, and in the delirium of my fever I composed songs, + duets, and choruses. I am certain I composed two or three little pieces, + ‘di prima infenzione’, perhaps worthy of the admiration of masters, could + they have heard them executed. Oh, could an account be taken of the dreams + of a man in a fever, what great and sublime things would sometimes proceed + from his delirium! + </p> + <p> + These subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention during my + convalescence, but my ideas were less energetic. Long and frequent + meditations, and which were often involuntary, and made such an impression + upon my mind that I resolved to attempt both words and music. This was not + the first time I had undertaken so difficult a task. Whilst I was at + Chambery I had composed an opera entitled ‘Iphis and Anaxarete’, which I + had the good sense to throw into the fire. At Lyons I had composed + another, entitled ‘La Decouverte du Nouveau Monde’, which, after having + read it to M. Bordes, the Abbes Malby, Trublet, and others, had met the + same fate, notwithstanding I had set the prologue and the first act to + music, and although David, after examining the composition, had told me + there were passages in it worthy of Buononcini. + </p> + <p> + Before I began the work I took time to consider of my plan. In a heroic + ballet I proposed three different subjects, in three acts, detached from + each other, set to music of a different character, taking for each subject + the amours of a poet. I entitled this opera Les Muses Galantes. My first + act, in music strongly characterized, was Tasso; the second in tender + harmony, Ovid; and the third, entitled Anacreon, was to partake of the + gayety of the dithyrambus. I tried my skill on the first act, and applied + to it with an ardor which, for the first time, made me feel the delightful + sensation produced by the creative power of composition. One evening, as I + entered the opera, feeling myself strongly incited and overpowered by my + ideas, I put my money again into my pocket, returned to my apartment, + locked the door, and, having close drawn all the curtains, that every ray + of light might be excluded, I went to bed, abandoning myself entirely to + this musical and poetical ‘oestrum’, and in seven or eight hours rapidly + composed the greatest part of an act. I can truly say my love for the + Princess of Ferrara (for I was Tasso for the moment) and my noble and + lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust brother, procured me a night a + hundred times more delicious than one passed in the arms of the princess + would have been. In the morning but a very little of what I had done + remained in my head, but this little, almost effaced by sleep and + lassitude, still sufficiently evinced the energy of the pieces of which it + was the scattered remains. + </p> + <p> + I this time did, not proceed far with my undertaking, being interrupted by + other affairs. Whilst I attached myself to the family of Dupin, Madam de + Beuzenval and Madam de Broglie, whom I continued to visit, had not + forgotten me. The Count de Montaigu, captain in the guards, had just been + appointed ambassador to Venice. He was an ambassador made by Barjac, to + whom he assiduously paid his court. His brother, the Chevalier de + Montaigu, ‘gentilhomme de la manche’ to the dauphin, was acquainted with + these ladies, and with the Abbe Alary of the French academy, whom I + sometimes visited. Madam de Broglie having heard the ambassador was + seeking a secretary, proposed me to him. A conference was opened between + us. I asked a salary of fifty guineas, a trifle for an employment which + required me to make some appearance. The ambassador was unwilling to give + more than a thousand livres, leaving me to make the journey at my own + expense. The proposal was ridiculous. We could not agree, and M. de + Francueil, who used all his efforts to prevent my departure, prevailed. + </p> + <p> + I stayed, and M. de Montaigu set out on his journey, taking with him + another secretary, one M. Follau, who had been recommended to him by the + office of foreign affairs. They no sooner arrived at Venice than they + quarrelled. Follau perceiving he had to do with a madman, left him there, + and M. de Montaigu having nobody with him, except a young abbe of the name + of Binis, who wrote under the secretary, and was unfit to succeed him, had + recourse to me. The chevalier, his brother, a man of wit, by giving me to + understand there were advantages annexed to the place of secretary, + prevailed upon me to accept the thousand livres. I was paid twenty louis + in advance for my journey, and immediately departed. + </p> + <p> + At Lyons I would most willingly have taken the road to Mount Cenis, to see + my poor mamma. But I went down the Rhone, and embarked at Toulon, as well + on account of the war, and from a motive of economy, as to obtain a + passport from M. de Mirepoix, who then commanded in Provence, and to whom + I was recommended. M. de Montaigu not being able to do without me, wrote + letter after letter, desiring I would hasten my journey; this, however, an + accident considerably prolonged. + </p> + <p> + It was at the time of the plague at Messina, and the English fleet had + anchored there, and visited the Felucca, on board of which I was, and this + circumstance subjected us, on our arrival, after a long and difficult + voyage, to a quarantine of one-and-twenty days. + </p> + <p> + The passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the + Lazaretto, which we were told was not yet furnished. They all chose the + Felucca. The insupportable heat, the closeness of the vessel, the + impossibility of walking in it, and the vermin with which it swarmed, made + me at all risks prefer the Lazaretto. I was therefore conducted to a large + building of two stories, quite empty, in which I found neither window, + bed, table, nor chair, not so much as even a joint-stool or bundle of + straw. My night sack and my two trunks being brought me, I was shut in by + great doors with huge locks, and remained at full liberty to walk at my + ease from chamber to chamber and story to story, everywhere finding the + same solitude and nakedness. + </p> + <p> + This, however, did not induce me to repent that I had preferred the + Lazaretto to the Felucca; and, like another Robinson Crusoe, I began to + arrange myself for my one-and twenty days, just as I should have done for + my whole life. In the first place, I had the amusement of destroying the + vermin I had caught in the Felucca. As soon as I had got clear of these, + by means of changing my clothes and linen, I proceeded to furnish the + chamber I had chosen. I made a good mattress with my waistcoats and + shirts; my napkins I converted, by sewing them together, into sheets; my + robe de chambre into a counterpane; and my cloak into a pillow. I made + myself a seat with one of my trunks laid flat, and a table with the other. + I took out some writing paper and an inkstand, and distributed, in the + manner of a library, a dozen books which I had with me. In a word, I so + well arranged my few movables, that except curtains and windows, I was + almost as commodiously lodged in this Lazeretto, absolutely empty as it + was, as I had been at the Tennis Court in the Rue Verdelet. My dinners + were served with no small degree of pomp; they were escorted by two + grenadiers with bayonets fixed; the staircase was my dining-room, the + landing-place my table, and the steps served me for a seat; and as soon as + my dinner was served up a little bell was rung to inform me I might sit + down to table. + </p> + <p> + Between my repasts, when I did not either read or write or work at the + furnishing of my apartment, I went to walk in the burying-ground of the + Protestants, which served me as a courtyard. From this place I ascended to + a lanthorn which looked into the harbor, and from which I could see the + ships come in and go out. In this manner I passed fourteen days, and + should have thus passed the whole time of the quarantine without the least + weariness had not M. Joinville, envoy from France, to whom I found means + to send a letter, vinegared, perfumed, and half burnt, procured eight days + of the time to be taken off: these I went and spent at his house, where I + confess I found myself better lodged than in the Lazaretto. He was + extremely civil to me. Dupont, his secretary, was a good creature: he + introduced me, as well at Genoa as in the country, to several families, + the company of which I found very entertaining and agreeable; and I formed + with him an acquaintance and a correspondence which we kept up for a + considerable length of time. I continued my journey, very agreeably, + through Lombardy. I saw Milan, Verona, Brescie, and Padua, and at length + arrived at Venice, where I was impatiently expected by the ambassador. + </p> + <p> + I found there piles of despatches, from the court and from other + ambassadors, the ciphered part of which he had not been able to read, + although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose, never having + been employed in any office, nor even seen the cipher of a minister. I was + at first apprehensive of meeting with some embarrassment; but I found + nothing could be more easy, and in less than a week I had deciphered the + whole, which certainly was not worth the trouble; for not to mention the + little activity required in the embassy of Venice, it was not to such a + man as M. de Montaigu that government would confide a negotiation of even + the most trifling importance. Until my arrival he had been much + embarrassed, neither knowing how to dictate nor to write legibly. I was + very useful to him, of which he was sensible; and he treated me well. To + this he was also induced by another motive. Since the time of M. de + Froulay, his predecessor, whose head became deranged, the consul from + France, M. le Blond, had been charged with the affairs of the embassy, and + after the arrival of M. de Montaigu, continued to manage them until he had + put him into the track. M. de Montaigu, hurt at this discharge of his duty + by another, although he himself was incapable of it, became disgusted with + the consul, and as soon as I arrived deprived him of the functions of + secretary to the embassy to give them to me. They were inseparable from + the title, and he told me to take it. As long as I remained with him he + never sent any person except myself under this title to the senate, or to + conference, and upon the whole it was natural enough he should prefer + having for secretary to the embassy a man attached to him, to a consul or + a clerk of office named by the court. + </p> + <p> + This rendered my situation very agreeable, and prevented his gentlemen, + who were Italians, as well as his pages, and most of his suite from + disputing precedence with me in his house. I made an advantageous use of + the authority annexed to the title he had conferred upon me, by + maintaining his right of protection, that is, the freedom of his + neighborhood, against the attempts several times made to infringe it; a + privilege which his Venetian officers took no care to defend. But I never + permitted banditti to take refuge there, although this would have produced + me advantages of which his excellency would not have disdained to partake. + He thought proper, however, to claim a part of those of the secretaryship, + which is called the chancery. It was in time of war, and there were many + passports issued. For each of these passports a sequin was paid to the + secretary who made it out and countersigned it. All my predecessors had + been paid this sequin by Frenchmen and others without distinction. I + thought this unjust, and although I was not a Frenchman, I abolished it in + favor of the French; but I so rigorously demanded my right from persons of + every other nation, that the Marquis de Scotti, brother to the favorite of + the Queen of Spain, having asked for a passport without taking notice of + the sequin: I sent to demand it; a boldness which the vindictive Italian + did not forget. As soon as the new regulation I had made, relative to + passports, was known, none but pretended Frenchmen, who in a gibberish the + most mispronounced, called themselves Provencals, Picards, or Burgundians, + came to demand them. My ear being very fine, I was not thus made a dupe, + and I am almost persuaded that not a single Italian ever cheated me of my + sequin, and that not one Frenchman ever paid it. I was foolish enough to + tell M. de Montaigu, who was ignorant of everything that passed, what I + had done. The word sequin made him open his ears, and without giving me + his opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the French, he pretended I + ought to account with him for the others, promising me at the same time + equivalent advantages. More filled with indignation at this meanness, than + concern for my own interest, I rejected his proposal. He insisted, and I + grew warm. “No, sir,” said I, with some heat, “your excellency may keep + what belongs to you, but do not take from me that which is mine; I will + not suffer you to touch a penny of the perquisites arising from + passports.” Perceiving he could gain nothing by these means he had + recourse to others, and blushed not to tell me that since I had + appropriated to myself the profits of the chancery, it was but just I + should pay the expenses. I was unwilling to dispute upon this subject, and + from that time I furnished at my own expense, ink, paper, wax, wax-candle, + tape, and even a new seal, for which he never reimbursed me to the amount + of a farthing. This, however, did not prevent my giving a small part of + the produce of the passports to the Abbe de Binis, a good creature, and + who was far from pretending to have the least right to any such thing. If + he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an equivalent, and we + always lived together on the best of terms. + </p> + <p> + On the first trial I made of his talents in my official functions, I found + him less troublesome than I expected he would have been, considering he + was a man without experience, in the service of an ambassador who + possessed no more than himself, and whose ignorance and obstinacy + constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense and some + information inspired me for his service and that of the king. The next + thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the Marquis Mari, + ambassador from Spain, an ingenious and artful man, who, had he wished so + to do, might have led him by the nose, yet on account of the union of the + interests of the two crowns he generally gave him good advice, which might + have been of essential service, had not the other, by joining his own + opinion, counteracted it in the execution. The only business they had to + conduct in concert with each other was to engage the Venetians to maintain + their neutrality. These did not neglect to give the strongest assurances + of their fidelity to their engagement at the same time that they publicly + furnished ammunition to the Austrian troops, and even recruits under + pretense of desertion. M. de Montaigu, who I believe wished to render + himself agreeable to the republic, failed not on his part, notwithstanding + my representation to make me assure the government in all my despatches, + that the Venetians would never violate an article of the neutrality. The + obstinacy and stupidity of this poor wretch made me write and act + extravagantly: I was obliged to be the agent of his folly, because he + would have it so, but he sometimes rendered my employment insupportable + and the functions of it almost impracticable. For example, he insisted on + the greatest part of his despatches to the king, and of those to the + minister, being written in cipher, although neither of them contained + anything that required that precaution. I represented to him that between + the Friday, the day the despatches from the court arrived, and Saturday, + on which ours were sent off, there was not sufficient time to write so + much in cipher, and carry on the considerable correspondence with which I + was charged for the same courier. He found an admirable expedient, which + was to prepare on Thursday the answer to the despatches we were expected + to receive on the next day. This appeared to him so happily imagined, that + notwithstanding all I could say on the impossibility of the thing, and the + absurdity of attempting its execution, I was obliged to comply during the + whole time I afterwards remained with him, after having made notes of the + few loose words he spoke to me in the course of the week, and of some + trivial circumstances which I collected by hurrying from place to place. + Provided with these materials I never once failed carrying to him on the + Thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to be sent off + on Saturday, excepting the few additions and corrections I hastily made in + answer to the letters which arrived on the Friday, and to which ours + served for answer. He had another custom, diverting enough and which made + his correspondence ridiculous beyond imagination. He sent back all + information to its respective source, instead of making it follow its + course. To M. Amelot he transmitted the news of the court; to M. Maurepas, + that of Paris; to M. d’ Havrincourt, the news from Sweden; to M. de + Chetardie, that from Petersbourg; and sometimes to each of those the news + they had respectively sent to him, and which I was employed to dress up in + terms different from those in which it was conveyed to us. As he read + nothing of what I laid before him, except the despatches for the court, + and signed those to other ambassadors without reading them, this left me + more at liberty to give what turn I thought proper to the latter, and in + these therefore I made the articles of information cross each other. But + it was impossible for me to do the same by despatches of importance; and I + thought myself happy when M. de Montaigu did not take it into his head to + cram into them an impromptu of a few lines after his manner. This obliged + me to return, and hastily transcribe the whole despatch decorated with his + new nonsense, and honor it with the cipher, without which he would have + refused his signature. I was frequently almost tempted, for the sake of + his reputation, to cipher something different from what he had written, + but feeling that nothing could authorize such a deception, I left him to + answer for his own folly, satisfying myself with having spoken to him with + freedom, and discharged at my own peril the duties of my station. This is + what I always did with an uprightness, a zeal and courage, which merited + on his part a very different recompense from that which in the end I + received from him. It was time I should once be what Heaven, which had + endowed me with a happy disposition, what the education that had been + given me by the best of women, and that I had given myself, had prepared + me for, and I became so. Left to my own reflections, without a friend or + advice, without experience, and in a foreign country, in the service of a + foreign nation, surrounded by a crowd of knaves, who, for their own + interest, and to avoid the scandal of good example, endeavored to prevail + upon me to imitate them; far from yielding to their solicitations, I + served France well, to which I owed nothing, and the ambassador still + better, as it was right and just I should do to the utmost of my power. + Irreproachable in a post, sufficiently exposed to censure, I merited and + obtained the esteem of the republic, that of all the ambassadors with whom + we were in correspondence, and the affection of the French who resided at + Venice, not even excepting the consul, whom with regret I supplanted in + the functions which I knew belonged to him, and which occasioned me more + embarrassment than they afforded me satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + M. de Montaigu, confiding without reserve to the Marquis Mari, who did not + thoroughly understand his duty, neglected it to such a degree that without + me the French who were at Venice would not have perceived that an + ambassador from their nation resided there. Always put off without being + heard when they stood in need of his protection, they became disgusted and + no longer appeared in his company or at his table, to which indeed he + never invited them. I frequently did from myself what it was his duty to + have done; I rendered to the French, who applied to me, all the services + in my power. In any other country I should have done more, but, on account + of my employment, not being able to see persons in place, I was often + obliged to apply to the consul, and the consul, who was settled in the + country with his family, had many persons to oblige, which prevented him + from acting as he otherwise would have done. However, perceiving him + unwilling and afraid to speak, I ventured hazardous measures, which + sometimes succeeded. I recollect one which still makes me laugh. No person + would suspect it was to me the lovers of the theatre at Paris, owe + Coralline and her sister Camille, nothing however, can be more true. + Veronese, their father, had engaged himself with his children in the + Italian company, and after having received two thousand livres for the + expenses of his journey, instead of setting out for France, quietly + continued at Venice, and accepted an engagement in the theatre of Saint + Luke, to which Coralline, a child as she still was, drew great numbers of + people. The Duke de Greves, as first gentleman of the chamber, wrote to + the ambassador to claim the father and the daughter. M. de Montaigu when + he gave me the letter, confined his instructions to saying, ‘voyez cela’, + examine and pay attention to this. I went to M. Blond to beg he would + speak to the patrician, to whom the theatre belonged, and who, I believe, + was named Zustinian, that he might discharge Veronese, who had engaged in + the name of the king. Le Blond, to whom the commission was not very + agreeable, executed it badly. + </p> + <p> + Zustinian answered vaguely, and Veronese was not discharged. I was piqued + at this. It was during the carnival, and having taken the bahute and a + mask, I set out for the palace Zustinian. Those who saw my gondola arrive + with the livery of the ambassador, were lost in astonishment. Venice had + never seen such a thing. I entered, and caused myself to be announced by + the name of ‘Una Siora Maschera’. As soon as I was introduced I took off + my mask and told my name. The senator turned pale and appeared stupefied + with surprise. “Sir;” said I to him in Venetian, “it is with much regret I + importune your excellency with this visit; but you have in your theatre of + Saint Luke, a man of the name of Veronese, who is engaged in the service + of the king, and whom you have been requested, but in vain, to give up: I + come to claim him in the name of his majesty.” My short harangue was + effectual. I had no sooner left the palace than Zustinian ran to + communicate the adventure to the state inquisitors, by whom he was + severely reprehended. Veronese was discharged the same day. I sent him + word that if he did not set off within a week I would have him arrested. + He did not wait for my giving him this intimation a second time. + </p> + <p> + On another occasion I relieved from difficulty solely by my own means, and + almost without the assistance of any other person, the captain of a + merchant-ship. This was one Captain Olivet, from Marseilles; the name of + the vessel I have forgotten. His men had quarreled with the Sclavonians in + the service of the republic, some violence had been committed, and the + vessel was under so severe an embargo that nobody except the master was + suffered to go on board or leave it without permission. He applied to the + ambassador, who would hear nothing he had to say. He afterwards went to + the consul, who told him it was not an affair of commerce, and that he + could not interfere in it. Not knowing what further steps to take he + applied to me. I told M. de Montaigu he ought to permit me to lay before + the senate a memoir on the subject. I do not recollect whether or not he + consented, or that I presented the memoir; but I perfectly remember that + if I did it was ineffectual, and the embargo still continuing, I took + another method, which succeeded. I inserted a relation of the affairs in + one of our letters to M. de Maurepas, though I had difficulty in + prevailing upon M. de Montaigne to suffer the article to pass. + </p> + <p> + I knew that our despatches, although their contents were insignificant, + were opened at Venice. Of this I had a proof by finding the articles they + contained, verbatim in the gazette, a treachery of which I had in vain + attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to complain. My object in + speaking of the affair in the letter was to turn the curiosity of the + ministers of the republic to advantage, to inspire them with some + apprehensions, and to induce the state to release the vessel: for had it + been necessary to this effect to wait for an answer from the court, the + captain would have been ruined before it could have arrived. I did still + more, I went alongside the vessel to make inquiries of the ship’s company. + I took with me the Abbe Patizel, chancellor of the consulship, who would + rather have been excused, so much were these poor creatures afraid of + displeasing the Senate. As I could not go on board, on account of the + order from the states, I remained in my gondola, and there took the + depositions successively, interrogating each of the mariners, and + directing my questions in such a manner as to produce answers which might + be to their advantage. I wished to prevail upon Patizel to put the + questions and take depositions himself, which in fact was more his + business than mine; but to this he would not consent; he never once opened + his mouth and refused to sign the depositions after me. This step, + somewhat bold, was however, successful, and the vessel was released long + before an answer came from the minister. The captain wished to make me a + present; but without being angry with him on that account, I tapped him on + the shoulder, saying, “Captain Olivet, can you imagine that he who does + not receive from the French his perquisite for passports, which he found + his established right, is a man likely to sell them the king’s + protection?” He, however, insisted on giving me a dinner on board his + vessel, which I accepted, and took with me the secretary to the Spanish + embassy, M. Carrio, a man of wit and amiable manners, to partake of it: he + has since been secretary to the Spanish embassy at Paris and charge des + affaires. I had formed an intimate connection with him after the example + of our ambassadors. + </p> + <p> + Happy should I have been, if, when in the most disinterested manner I did + all the service I could, I had known how to introduce sufficient order + into all these little details, that I might not have served others at my + own expense. But in employments similar to that I held, in which the most + trifling faults are of consequence, my whole attention was engaged in + avoiding all such mistakes as might be detrimental to my service. I + conducted, till the last moment, everything relative to my immediate duty, + with the greatest order and exactness. Excepting a few errors which a + forced precipitation made me commit in ciphering, and of which the clerks + of M. Amelot once complained, neither the ambassador nor any other person + had ever the least reason to reproach me with negligence in any one of my + functions. This is remarkable in a man so negligent as I am. But my memory + sometimes failed me, and I was not sufficiently careful in the private + affairs with which I was charged; however, a love of justice always made + me take the loss on myself, and this voluntarily, before anybody thought + of complaining. I will mention but one circumstance of this nature; it + relates to my departure from Venice, and I afterwards felt the effects of + it in Paris. + </p> + <p> + Our cook, whose name was Rousselot, had brought from France an old note + for two hundred livres, which a hairdresser, a friend of his, had received + from a noble Venetian of the name of Zanetto Nani, who had had wigs of him + to that amount. Rousselot brought me the note, begging I would endeavor to + obtain payment of some part of it, by way of accommodation. I knew, and he + knew it also, that the constant custom of noble Venetians was, when once + returned to their country, never to pay the debts they had contracted + abroad. When means are taken to force them to payment, the wretched + creditor finds so many delays, and incurs such enormous expenses, that he + becomes disgusted and concludes by giving up his debtor accepting the most + trifling composition. I begged M. le Blond to speak to Zanetto. The + Venetian acknowledged the note, but did not agree to payment. After a long + dispute he at length promised three sequins; but when Le Blond carried him + the note even these were not ready, and it was necessary to wait. In this + interval happened my quarrel with the ambassador and I quitted his + service. I had left the papers of the embassy in the greatest order, but + the note of Rousselot was not to be found. M. le Blond assured me he had + given it me back. I knew him to be too honest a man to have the least + doubt of the matter; but it was impossible for me to recollect what I had + done with it. As Zanetto had acknowledged the debt, I desired M. le Blond + to endeavor to obtain from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt + for the amount, or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of + duplicate. Zanetto, knowing the note to be lost, would not agree to + either. I offered Rousselot the three sequins from my own purse, as a + discharge of the debt. He refused them, and said I might settle the matter + with the creditor at Paris, of whom he gave me the address. The + hair-dresser, having been informed of what had passed, would either have + his note or the whole sum for which it was given. What, in my indignation, + would I have given to have found this vexatious paper! I paid the two + hundred livres, and that in my greatest distress. In this manner the loss + of the note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole sum, whereas + had it, unfortunately for him, been found, he would have had some + difficulty in recovering even the ten crowns, which his excellency, + Zanetto Nani, had promised to pay. + </p> + <p> + The talents I thought I felt in myself for my employment made me discharge + the functions of it with satisfaction, and except the society of my friend + de Carrio, that of the virtuous Altuna, of whom I shall soon have an + occasion to speak, the innocent recreations of the place Saint Mark, of + the theatre, and of a few visits which we, for the most part, made + together, my only pleasure was in the duties of my station. Although these + were not considerable, especially with the aid of the Abbe de Binis, yet + as the correspondence was very extensive and there was a war, I was a good + deal employed. I applied to business the greatest part of every morning, + and on the days previous to the departure of the courier, in the evenings, + and sometimes till midnight. The rest of my time I gave to the study of + the political professions I had entered upon, and in which I hoped, from + my successful beginning, to be advantageously employed. In fact I was in + favor with every one; the ambassador himself spoke highly of my services, + and never complained of anything I did for him; his dissatisfaction + proceeded from my having insisted on quitting him, in consequence of the + useless complaints I had frequently made on several occasions. The + ambassadors and ministers of the king with whom we were in correspondence + complimented him on the merit of his secretary, in a manner by which he + ought to have been flattered, but which in his poor head produced quite a + contrary effect. He received one in particular relative to an affair of + importance, for which he never pardoned me. + </p> + <p> + He was so incapable of bearing the least constraint, that on the Saturday, + the day of the despatches for most of the courts, he could not contain + himself, and wait till the business was done before he went out, and + incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to the king and + ministers, he signed them with precipitation, and immediately went I know + not where, leaving most of the other letters without signing; this obliged + me, when these contained nothing but news, to convert them into journals; + but when affairs which related to the king were in question it was + necessary somebody should sign, and I did it. This once happened relative + to some important advice we had just received from M. Vincent, charge des + affaires from the king, at Vienna. The Prince Lobkowitz was then marching + to Naples, and Count Gages had just made the most memorable retreat, the + finest military manoeuvre of the whole century, of which Europe has not + sufficiently spoken. The despatch informed us that a man, whose person M. + Vincent described, had set out from Vienna, and was to pass by Venice, in + his way into Abruzzo, where he was secretly to stir up the people at the + approach of the Austrians. + </p> + <p> + In the absence of M. le Comte de Montaigu, who did not give himself the + least concern about anything, I forwarded this advice to the Marquis de + l’Hopital, so apropos, that it is perhaps to the poor Jean Jacques, so + abused and laughed at, that the house of Bourbon owes the preservation of + the kingdom of Naples. + </p> + <p> + The Marquis de l’Hopital, when he thanked his colleague, as it was proper + he should do, spoke to him of his secretary, and mentioned the service he + had just rendered to the common cause. The Comte de Montaigu, who in that + affair had to reproach himself with negligence, thought he perceived in + the compliment paid him by M. de l’Hopital, something like a reproach, and + spoke of it to me with signs of ill-humor. I found it necessary to act in + the same manner with the Count de Castellane, ambassador at + Constantinople, as I had done with the Marquis de l’Hopital, although in + things of less importance. As there was no other conveyance to + Constantinople than by couriers, sent from time to time by the senate to + its Bailli, advice of their departure was given to the ambassador of + France, that he might write by them to his colleague, if he thought proper + so to do. This advice was commonly sent a day or two beforehand; but M. de + Montaigu was held in so little respect, that merely for the sake of form + he was sent to, a couple of hours before the couriers set off. This + frequently obliged me to write the despatch in his absence. M. de + Castellane, in his answer made honorable mention of me; M. de Jonville, at + Genoa, did the same, and these instances of their regard and esteem became + new grievances. + </p> + <p> + I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known; + but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I thought I had a + right to aspire to the natural return for essential services; the esteem + of those capable of judging of, and rewarding them. I will not say whether + or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment was a just + subject of complaint from the ambassador; but I cannot refrain from + declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned previous to our + separation. + </p> + <p> + His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was constantly filled + with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it, and the ascendancy was + given to the Italians; of these even, the more honest part, they who had + long been in the service of the embassy, were indecently discharged, his + first gentleman in particular, whom he had taken from the Comte de + Froulay, and who, if I remember right, was called Comte de Peati, or + something very like that name. The second gentleman, chosen by M. de + Montaigu, was an outlaw highwayman from Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to + whom the ambassador intrusted the care of his house, and who had by means + of flattery and sordid economy, obtained his confidence, and became his + favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still had + about him, and of the secretary who was at their head. The countenance of + an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves. Nothing more was + necessary to make Vitali conceive a hatred against me: but for this + sentiment there was still another cause which rendered it more cruel. Of + this I must give an account, that I may be condemned if I am found in the + wrong. + </p> + <p> + The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the theaters. + Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention to + go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes. When + I went out I took the key of the box I had chosen. One day, Vitali not + being in the way, I ordered the footman who attended on me, to bring me + the key to a house which I named to him. Vitali, instead of sending the + key, said he had disposed of it. I was the more enraged at this as the + footman delivered his message in public. In the evening Vitali wished to + make me some apology, to which however I would not listen. “To-morrow, + sir,” said I to him, “you will come at such an hour and apologize to me in + the house where I received the affront, and in the presence of the persons + who were witnesses to it; or after to-morrow, whatever may be the + consequences, either you or I will leave the house.” This firmness + intimidated him. He came to the house at the hour appointed, and made me a + public apology, with a meanness worthy of himself. But he afterwards took + his measures at leisure, and at the same time that he cringed to me in + public, he secretly acted in so vile a manner, that although unable to + prevail on the ambassador to give me my dismission, he laid me under the + necessity of resolving to leave him. + </p> + <p> + A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew enough of my + character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew I was mild to an + excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs; but haughty and + impatient when insulted with premeditated offences; loving decency and + dignity in things in which these were requisite, and not more exact in + requiring the respect due to myself, than attentive in rendering that + which I owed to others. In this he undertook to disgust me, and in this he + succeeded. He turned the house upside down, and destroyed the order and + subordination I had endeavored to establish in it. A house without a woman + stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that modesty + which is inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a place of + filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of knaves and + debauchees. He procured for second gentleman to his excellency, in the + place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp like himself, who kept a + house of ill-fame, at the Cross of Malta; and the indecency of these two + rascals was equalled by nothing but their insolence. Except the + bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was not in very good order, + there was not a corner in the whole house supportable to an modest man. + </p> + <p> + As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a private + table, at which the Abbe Binis and the pages also ate. In the most paltry + ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency, have + cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but one little and very + filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks. + </p> + <p> + I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of my + gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged to + hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no longer + accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides, everything + which passed in the house was known in the city. All those who were in the + service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed; Dominic, the only cause + of all, exclaimed louder than anybody, well knowing the indecency with + which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other person. + Though I was the only one in the house who said nothing of the matter + abroad, I complained loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as of + himself, who, secretly excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his + will, daily made me suffer some new affront. Obliged to spend a good deal + to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself, and to + make are appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a farthing + of my salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his esteem for + me, and his confidence, as if either of these could have filled my purse, + and provided for everything. + </p> + <p> + These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master, who + naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a continual traffic, and + by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst they persuaded him they were + greatly in his favor. They persuaded him to take upon the Brenta, a + Palazzo, at twice the rent it was worth, and divided the surplus with the + proprietor. The apartments were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented with + columns and pilasters, in the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, had + all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason than + because at Paris apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a similar + reason that he only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, took from + his pages their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such was the + man, who, perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on account of + my serving him faithfully. + </p> + <p> + I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment, as long + as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they had in them + no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design formed of depriving + me of the honor I merited by my faithful services, I resolved to resign my + employment. The first mark I received of his ill will was relative to a + dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena and his family, who were at + Venice, and at which he signified to me I should not be present. I + answered, piqued, but not angry, that having the honor daily to dine at + his table, if the Duke of Modena, when he came, required I should not + appear at it, my duty as well as the dignity of his excellency would not + suffer me to consent to such a request. “How;” said he passionately, “my + secretary, who is not a gentleman, pretends to dine with a sovereign when + my gentlemen do not!” “Yes, sir,” replied I, “the post with which your + excellency has honored me, as long as I discharge the functions of it, so + far ennobles me that my rank is superior to that of your gentlemen or of + the persons calling themselves such; and I am admitted where they cannot + appear. You cannot but know that on the day on which you shall make your + public entry, I am called to the ceremony by etiquette; and by an + immemorial custom, to follow you in a dress of ceremony, and afterwards to + dine with you at the palace of St. Mark; and I know not why a man who has + a right and is to eat in public with the doge and the senate of Venice + should not eat in private with the Duke of Modena.” Though this argument + was unanswerable, it did not convince the ambassador; but we had no + occasion to renew the dispute, as the Duke of Modena did not come to dine + with him. + </p> + <p> + From that moment he did everything in his power to make things + disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights, by + taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment, to give + them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he dared to send him + to the senate, in my place, he would have done it. He commonly employed + the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his private letters: he made use of + him to write to M. de Maurepas an account of the affair of Captain Olivet, + in which, far from taking the least notice of me, the only person who gave + himself any concern about the matter, he deprived me of the honor of the + depositions, of which he sent him a duplicate, for the purpose of + attributing them to Patizel, who had not opened his mouth. He wished to + mortify me, and please his favorite; but had no desire to dismiss me his + service. He perceived it would be more difficult to find me a successor, + than M. Follau, who had already made him known to the world. An Italian + secretary was absolutely necessary to him, on account of the answers from + the senate; one who could write all his despatches, and conduct his + affairs, without his giving himself the least trouble about anything; a + person who, to the merit of serving him well, could join the baseness of + being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, without honor, merit, or + principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, by keeping me far from my + country, and his own, without money to return to either, and in which he + would, perhaps, had succeeded, had he began with more moderation: but + Vitali, who had other views, and wished to force me to extremities, + carried his point. The moment I perceived, I lost all my trouble, that the + ambassador imputed to me my services as so many crimes, instead of being + satisfied with them; that with him I had nothing to expect, but things + disagreeable at home, and injustice abroad; and that, in the general + disesteem into which he was fallen, his ill offices might be prejudicial + to me, without the possibility of my being served by his good ones; I took + my resolution, and asked him for my dismission, leaving him sufficient + time to provide himself with another secretary. Without answering yes or + no, he continued to treat me in the same manner, as if nothing had been + said. Perceiving things to remain in the same state, and that he took no + measures to procure himself a new secretary, I wrote to his brother, and, + explaining to him my motives, begged he would obtain my dismission from + his excellency, adding that whether I received it or not, I could not + possibly remain with him. I waited a long time without any answer, and + began to be embarrassed: but at length the ambassador received a letter + from his brother, which must have remonstrated with him in very plain + terms; for although he was extremely subject to ferocious rage, I never + saw him so violent as on this occasion. After torrents of unsufferable + reproaches, not knowing what more to say, he accused me of having sold his + ciphers. I burst into a loud laughter, and asked him, in a sneering + manner, if he thought there was in Venice a man who would be fool enough + to give half a crown for them all. He threatened to call his servants to + throw me out of the window. Until then I had been very composed; but on + this threat, anger and indignation seized me in my turn. I sprang to the + door, and after having turned a button which fastened it within: “No, + count,” said I, returning to him with a grave step, “Your servants shall + have nothing to do with this affair; please to let it be settled between + ourselves.” My action and manner instantly made him calm; fear and + surprise were marked in his countenance. The moment I saw his fury abated, + I bid him adieu in a very few words, and without waiting for his answer, + went to the door, opened it, and passed slowly across the antechamber, + through the midst of his people, who rose according to custom, and who, I + am of opinion, would rather have lent their assistance against him than + me. Without going back to my apartment, I descended the stairs, and + immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it. + </p> + <p> + I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had + happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me to + dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid. All the + French of consequence who were at Venice, partook of it. The ambassador + had not a single person. The consul related my case to the company. The + cry was general, and by no means in favor of his excellency. He had not + settled my account, nor paid me a farthing, and being reduced to the few + louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely embarrassed about my return to + France. Every purse was opened to me. I took twenty sequins from that of + M. le Blond, and as many from that of M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. le + Blond, I was the most intimately connected. I returned thanks to the rest; + and, till my departure, went to lodge at the house of the chancellor of + the consulship, to prove to the public, the nation was not an accomplice + in the injustice of the ambassador. + </p> + <p> + His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune, at + the same time that, notwithstanding his being an ambassador, nobody went + near his house, quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman. He forgot + himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me arrested. On + being informed of this by the Abbe de Binis, I resolved to remain a + fortnight longer, instead of setting off the next day as I had intended. + My conduct had been known and approved of by everybody; I was universally + esteemed. The senate did not deign to return an answer to the extravagant + memoir of the ambassador, but sent me word I might remain in Venice as + long as I thought proper, without making myself uneasy about the attempts + of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I went to take leave of the + ambassador from Spain, who received me well, and of the Comte de + Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not find at home. I wrote + him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite and obliging + answer. At length I took my departure, leaving behind me, notwithstanding + my embarrassment, no other debts than the two sums I had borrowed, and of + which I have just spoken; and an account of fifty crowns with a + shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio promised to pay, and + which I have never reimbursed him, although we have frequently met since + that time; but with respect to the two sums of money, I returned them very + exactly the moment I had it in my power. + </p> + <p> + I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the celebrated + amusements of that city, or at least of the little part of them of which I + partook during my residence there. It has been seen how little in my youth + I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those that are so called. My + inclinations did not change at Venice, but my occupations, which moreover + would have prevented this, rendered more agreeable to me the simple + recreations I permitted myself. The first and most pleasing of all was the + society of men of merit. M. le Blond, de St. Cyr, Carrio Altuna, and a + Forlinian gentleman, whose name I am very sorry to have forgotten, and + whom I never call to my recollection without emotion: he was the man of + all I ever knew whose heart most resembled my own. We were connected with + two or three Englishmen of great wit and information, and, like ourselves, + passionately fond of music. All these gentlemen had their wives, female + friends, or mistresses: the latter were most of them women of talents, at + whose apartments there were balls and concerts. There was but little play; + a lively turn, talents, and the theatres rendered this amusement incipid. + Play is the resource of none but men whose time hangs heavy on their + hands. I had brought with me from Paris the prejudice of that city against + Italian music; but I had also received from nature a sensibility and + niceness of distinction which prejudice cannot withstand. I soon + contracted that passion for Italian music with which it inspires all those + who are capable of feeling its excellence. In listening to barcaroles, I + found I had not yet known what singing was, and I soon became so fond of + the opera that, tired of babbling, eating, and playing in the boxes when I + wished to listen, I frequently withdrew from the company to another part + of the theater. There, quite alone, shut up in my box, I abandoned myself, + notwithstanding the length of the representation, to the pleasure of + enjoying it at ease unto the conclusion. One evening at the theatre of + Saint Chrysostom, I fell into a more profound sleep than I should have + done in my bed. The loud and brilliant airs did not disturb my repose. But + who can explain the delicious sensations given me by the soft harmony of + the angelic music, by which I was charmed from sleep; what an awaking! + what ravishment! what ecstasy, when at the same instant I opened my ears + and eyes! My first idea was to believe I was in paradise. The ravishing + air, which I still recollect and shall never forget, began with these + words: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Conservami la bella, + Che si m’accende il cor. +</pre> + <p> + I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it was not + the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the same but the + thing was different. This divine composition can never be executed but in + my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on which it woke me from + sleep. + </p> + <p> + A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas, and which + in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole world, is that of + the ‘scuole’. The ‘scuole’ are houses of charity, established for the + education of young girls without fortune, to whom the republic afterwards + gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister. Amongst talents + cultivated in these young girls, music is in the first rank. Every Sunday + at the church of each of the four ‘scuole’, during vespers, motettos or + anthems with full choruses, accompanied by a great orchestra, and composed + and directed by the best masters in Italy, are sung in the galleries by + girls only; not one of whom is more than twenty years of age. I have not + an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting as this music; the + richness of the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal part, the excellence + of the voices, the justness of the execution, everything in these + delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which certainly is + not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart is secure. Carrio + and I never failed being present at these vespers of the ‘Mendicanti’, and + we were not alone. The church was always full of the lovers of the art, + and even the actors of the opera came there to form their tastes after + these excellent models. What vexed me was the iron grate, which suffered + nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed from me the angels of which + they were worthy. I talked of nothing else. One day I spoke of it at Le + Blond’s; “If you are so desirous,” said he, “to see those little girls, it + will be an easy matter to satisfy your wishes. I am one of the + administrators of the house, I will give you a collation with them.” I did + not let him rest until he had fulfilled his promise. In entering the + saloon, which contained these beauties I so much sighed to see, I felt a + trembling of love which I had never before experienced. M. le Blond + presented to me one after the other, these celebrated female singers, of + whom the names and voices were all with which I was acquainted. Come, + Sophia,—she was horrid. Come, Cattina,—she had but one eye. + Come, Bettina,—the small-pox had entirely disfigured her. Scarcely + one of them was without some striking defect. + </p> + <p> + Le Blond laughed at my surprise; however, two or three of them appeared + tolerable; these never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in despair. + During the collation we endeavored to excite them, and they soon became + enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found they + possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner without + intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine, my manner of + seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house almost in love + with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage enough to return to + vespers. But after having seen the girls, the danger was lessened. I still + found their singing delightful; and their voices so much embellished their + persons that, in spite of my eyes, I obstinately continued to think them + beautiful. + </p> + <p> + Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it is not + worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the + pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for half a crown, I had + at my apartment four or five symphonists, with whom I practised once a + week in executing such airs, etc., as had given me most pleasure at the + opera. I also had some symphonies performed from my ‘Muses Galantes’. + Whether these pleased the performers, or the ballet-master of St. John + Chrysostom wished to flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I had + afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable + orchestra. They were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable, + and kept by a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often + went to spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is not + in Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to confess, + somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something to say upon + it, and I will proceed to the confession with the same ingenuousness with + which I have made my former ones. + </p> + <p> + I always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure, but at Venice those + were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut against me + on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were very amiable, + but difficult of access; and I had too much respect for the father and + mother ever once to have the least desire for them. + </p> + <p> + I should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named + Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia, + but Carrio was in love with her: there was even between them some question + of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no fortune: his + salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine amounted to no more + than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) and, besides my being + unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all places, and especially at + Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine was, gallantry was out of + the question. I had not lost the pernicious custom of deceiving my wants. + Too busily employed forcibly to feel those proceeding from the climate, I + lived upwards of a year in that city as chastely as I had done in Paris, + and at the end of eighteen months I quitted it without having approached + the sex, except twice by means of the singular opportunities of which I am + going to speak. + </p> + <p> + The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time + after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at the + table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached me + with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all; at + the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the women + of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to all others + of the same description in any other part of the world. Dominic said I + must make the acquaintance of the most amiable of them all; and he offered + to take me to her apartments, and assured me I should be pleased with her. + I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count Piati, a man in years and + venerable, observed to me, with more candor than I should have expected + from an Italian, that he thought me too prudent to suffer myself to be + taken to such a place by my enemy. In fact I had no inclination to do it: + but notwithstanding this, by an incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I + at length was prevailed upon to go, contrary to my inclination, the + sentiment of my heart, my reason, and even my will; solely from weakness, + and being ashamed to show an appearance to the least mistrust; and + besides, as the expression of the country is, ‘per non parer troppo + cogliono’—[Not to appear too great a blockhead.]—The ‘Padoana’ + whom we went to visit was pretty, she was even handsome, but her beauty + was not of that kind that pleased me. Dominic left me with her, I sent for + Sorbetti, and asked her to sing. In about half an hour I wished to take my + leave, after having put a ducat on the table, but this by a singular + scruple she refused until she had deserved it, and I from as singular a + folly consented to remove her doubts. I returned to the palace so fully + persuaded that I should feel the consequences of this step, that the first + thing I did was to send for the king’s surgeon to ask him for ptisans. + Nothing can equal the uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, + without its being justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I + could not believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms + of the ‘padoana’. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in + removing my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by + persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected: + and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any other man + would have done, my health in that respect never having suffered the least + inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right. However, this + has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have received such an + advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never abused it. + </p> + <p> + My second adventure, although likewise with a common girl, was of a nature + very different, as well in its origin as in its effects; I have already + said that Captain Olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel, and that I + took with me the secretary of the Spanish embassy. I expected a salute of + cannon. + </p> + <p> + The ship’s company was drawn up to receive us, but not so much as a + priming was burnt, at which I was mortified, on account of Carrio, whom I + perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect. A salute of cannon was given + on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we were; I + besides thought I deserved some distinguished mark of respect from the + captain. I could not conceal my thoughts, because this at all times was + impossible to me, and although the dinner was a very good one, and Olivet + did the honors of it perfectly well, I began it in an ill humor, eating + but little, and speaking still less. At the first health, at least, I + expected a volley; nothing. Carrio, who read what passed within, me, + laughed at hearing me grumble like a child. Before dinner was half over I + saw a gondola approach the vessel. “Bless me, sir,” said the captain, + “take care of yourself, the enemy approaches.” I asked him what he meant, + and he answered jocosely. The gondola made the ship’s side, and I observed + a gay young damsel come on board very lightly, and coquettishly dressed, + and who at three steps was in the cabin, seated by my side, before I had + time to perceive a cover was laid for her. She was equally charming and + lively, a brunette, not more than twenty years of age. She spoke nothing + but Italian, and her accent alone was sufficient to turn my head. As she + ate and chattered she cast her eyes upon me; steadfastly looked at me for + a moment, and then exclaimed, “Good Virgin! Ah, my dear Bremond, what an + age it is since I saw thee!” Then she threw herself into my arms, sealed + her lips to mine, and pressed me almost to strangling. Her large black + eyes, like those of the beauties of the East, darted fiery shafts into my + heart, and although the surprise at first stupefied my senses, + voluptuousness made a rapid progress within, and this to such a degree + that the beautiful seducer herself was, notwithstanding the spectators, + obliged to restrain my ardor, for I was intoxicated, or rather become + furious. When she perceived she had made the impression she desired, she + became more moderate in her caresses, but not in her vivacity, and when + she thought proper to explain to us the real or false cause of all her + petulance, she said I resembled M. de Bremond, director of the customs of + Tuscany, to such a degree as to be mistaken for him; that she had turned + this M. de Bremond’s head, and would do it again; that she had quitted him + because he was a fool; that she took me in his place; that she would love + me because it pleased her so to do, for which reason I must love her as + long as it was agreeable to her, and when she thought proper to send me + about my business, I must be patient as her dear Bremond had been. What + was said was done. She took possession of me as of a man that belonged to + her, gave me her gloves to keep, her fan, her ‘cinda’, and her coif, and + ordered me to go here or there, to do this or that, and I instantly obeyed + her. She told me to go and send away her gondola, because she chose to + make use of mine, and I immediately sent it away; she bid me to move from + my place, and pray Carrio to sit down in it, because she had something to + say to him; and I did as she desired. They chatted a good while together, + but spoke low, and I did not interrupt them. She called me, and I + approached her. “Hark thee, Zanetto,” said she to me, “I will not be loved + in the French manner; this indeed will not be well. In the first moment of + lassitude, get thee gone: but stay not by the way, I caution thee.” After + dinner we went to see the glass manufactory at Murano. She bought a great + number of little curiosities; for which she left me to pay without the + least ceremony. But she everywhere gave away little trinkets to a much + greater amount than of the things we had purchased. By the indifference + with which she threw away her money, I perceived she annexed to it but + little value. When she insisted upon a payment, I am of opinion it was + more from a motive of vanity than avarice. She was flattered by the price + her admirers set upon her favors. + </p> + <p> + In the evening we conducted her to her apartments. As we conversed + together, I perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette. “Ah! Ah!” + said I, taking one of them up, “this is a patchbox of a new construction: + may I ask what is its use? I know you have other arms which give more fire + than those upon your table.” After a few pleasantries of the same kind, + she said to us, with an ingenuousness which rendered her still more + charming, “When I am complaisant to persons whom I do not love, I make + them pay for the weariness they cause me; nothing can be more just; but if + I suffer their caresses, I will not bear their insults; nor miss the first + who shall be wanting to me in respect.” + </p> + <p> + At taking leave of her, I made another appointment for the next day. I did + not make her wait. I found her in ‘vestito di confidenza’, in an undress + more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which I will not + amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly well. I + shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk network + ornamented with rose-colored pompons. This, in my eyes, much enlivened a + beautiful complexion. I afterwards found it to be the mode at Venice, and + the effect is so charming that I am surprised it has never been introduced + in France. I had no idea of the transports which awaited me. I have spoken + of Madam de Larnage with the transport which the remembrance of her still + sometimes gives me; but how old, ugly and cold she appeared, compared with + my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form to yourself an idea of the charms and + graces of this enchanting girl, you will be far too short of truth. Young + virgins in cloisters are not so fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are + less animated: the houris of paradise less engaging. Never was so sweet an + enjoyment offered to the heart and senses of a mortal. Ah! had I at least + been capable of fully tasting of it for a single moment! I had tasted of + it, but without a charm. I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as + at will. No; Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment. She has infused + into my wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire + of which she first placed in my heart. + </p> + <p> + If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is + that which I am going to relate. The forcible manner in which I at this + moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in contempt + the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it. Whoever you + may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage to read the two + or three following pages, and you will become fully acquainted with J. J. + Rousseau. + </p> + <p> + I entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue, as the sanctuary of love + and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity. I should have + been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was impossible + to feel anything like that which she made me experience. Scarcely had I, + in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her charms and + caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of them, to gather + it beforehand. Suddenly, instead of the flame which consumed me, I felt a + mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs failed me; and ready to + faint away, I sat down and wept like a child. + </p> + <p> + Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed + within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece of + love; her wit and person equally approach perfection; she is as good and + generous as she is amiable and beautiful. Yet she is a miserable + prostitute, abandoned to the public. The captain of a merchantship + disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although she + knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be acquainted, + can be to her no inducement. In this there is something inconceivable. + Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and makes me the dupe + of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I am ignorant, + destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious in the eyes of + those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed. I endeavored, by an + extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect, but it did not so + much as strike me that even the consequences to be apprehended, might + possibly have some influence. The clearness of her skin, the brilliancy of + her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath, and the appearance of + neatness about her person, so far removed from me this idea, that, still + in doubt relative to my situation after the affair of the ‘padoana’, I + rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in health for her: and I am + firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my opinion. These reflections, so + apropos, agitated me to such a degree as to make me shed tears. Zuliette, + to whom the scene was quite novel, was struck speechless for a moment. But + having made a turn in her chamber, and passing before her glass, she + comprehended, and my eyes confirmed her opinion, that disgust had no part + in what had happened. It was not difficult for her to recover me and + dispel this shamefacedness. + </p> + <p> + But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for + the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a + man, I perceived she had a withered ‘teton’. I struck my forehead: I + examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the + other. I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such a + defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, I + was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of whom I + could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a monster, the + refuse of nature, of men and of love. I carried my stupidity so far as to + speak to her of the discovery I had made. She, at first, took what I said + jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and said things which made me + die of love. But perceiving an inquietude I could not conceal, she at + length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised herself up, and without saying + a word, went and placed herself at a window. I attempted to place myself + by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, rose from it the next moment, and + fanning herself as she walked about the chamber, said to me in a reserved + and disdainful tone of voice, “Zanetto, ‘lascia le donne, a studia la + matematica.”—[Leave women and study mathematics.] + </p> + <p> + Before I took leave I requested her to appoint another rendezvous for the + next day, which she postponed for three days, adding, with a satirical + smile, that I must needs be in want of repose. I was very ill at ease + during the interval; my heart was full of her charms and graces; I felt my + extravagance, and reproached myself with it, regretting the loss of the + moments I had so ill employed, and which, had I chosen, I might have + rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life; waiting with the most + burning impatience for the moment in which I might repair the loss, and + yet, notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what I had discovered, anxious + to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl with the indignity of + her situation. I ran, I flew to her apartment at the hour appointed. I + know not whether or not her ardor would have been more satisfied with this + visit, her pride at least would have been flattered by it, and I already + rejoiced at the idea of my convincing her, in every respect, that I knew + how to repair the wrongs I had done. She spared me this justification. The + gondolier whom I had sent to her apartment brought me for answer that she + had set off, the evening before, for Florence. If I had not felt all the + love I had for her person when this was in my possession, I felt it in the + most cruel manner on losing her. Amiable and charming as she was in my + eyes, I could not console myself for the loss of her; but this I have + never been able to do relative to the contemptuous idea which at her + departure she must have had of me. + </p> + <p> + These are my two narratives. The eighteen months I passed at Venice + furnished me with no other of the same kind, except a simple prospect at + most. Carrio was a gallant. Tired of visiting girls engaged to others, he + took a fancy to have one to himself, and, as we were inseparable, he + proposed to me an arrangement common enough at Venice, which was to keep + one girl for us both. To this I consented. The question was, to find one + who was safe. He was so industrious in his researches that he found out a + little girl from eleven to twelve years of age, whom her infamous mother + was endeavoring to sell, and I went with Carrio to see her. The sight of + the child moved me to the most lively compassion. She was fair and as + gentle as a lamb. Nobody would have taken her for an Italian. Living is + very cheap in Venice; we gave a little money to the mother, and provided + for the subsistence of her daughter. She had a voice, and to procure her + some resource we gave her a spinnet, and a singing-master. All these + expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a month, and we + contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters; but as we were + obliged to wait until she became of a riper age, this was sowing a long + time before we could possibly reap. However, satisfied with passing our + evenings, chatting and innocently playing with the child, we perhaps + enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the last favors. So true + is it that men are more attached to women by a certain pleasure they have + in living with them, than by any kind of libertinism. My heart became + insensibly attached to the little Anzoletta, but my attachment was + paternal, in which the senses had so little share, that in proportion as + the former increased, to have connected it with the latter would have been + less possible; and I felt I should have experienced, at approaching this + little creature when become nubile, the same horror with which the + abominable crime of incest would have inspired me. I perceived the + sentiments of Carrio take, unobserved by himself, exactly the same turn. + We thus prepared for ourselves, without intending it, pleasure not less + delicious, but very different from that of which we first had an idea; and + I am fully persuaded that however beautiful the poor child might have + become, far from being the corrupters of her innocence we should have been + the protectors of it. The circumstance which shortly afterwards befell me + deprived me of the happiness of taking a part in this good work, and my + only merit in the affair was the inclination of my heart. + </p> + <p> + I will now return to my journey. + </p> + <p> + My first intentions after leaving M. de Montaigu, was to retire to Geneva, + until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed the + obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma; but the quarrel + between me and M. de Montaigu being become public, and he having had the + folly to write about it to the court, I resolved to go there to give an + account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman. I communicated my + intention, from Venice, to M. du Theil, charged per interim with foreign + affairs after the death of M. Amelot. I set off as soon as my letter, and + took my route through Bergamo, Como, and Domo D’Oscela, and crossing Saint + Plomb. At Sion, M. de Chaignon, charge des affaires from France, showed me + great civility; at Geneva M. de la Closure treated me with the same polite + attention. I there renewed my acquaintance with M. de Gauffecourt, from + whom I had some money to receive. I had passed through Nion without going + to see my father: not that this was a matter of indifference to me, but + because I was unwilling to appear before my mother-in-law, after the + disaster which had befallen me, certain of being condemned by her without + being heard. The bookseller, Du Villard, an old friend of my father’s, + reproached me severely with this neglect. I gave him my reasons for it, + and to repair my fault, without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law, + I took a chaise and we went together to Nion and stopped at a public + house. Du Villard went to fetch my father, who came running to embrace me. + We supped together, and, after passing an evening very agreeable to the + wishes of my heart, I returned the next morning to Geneva with Du Villard, + for whom I have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in return for + the service he did me on this occasion. + </p> + <p> + Lyons was a little out of my direct road, but I was determined to pass + through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played me + by M. de Montaigu. I had sent me from Paris a little box containing a + waistcoat, embroidered with gold, a few pairs of ruffles, and six pairs of + white silk stockings; nothing more. Upon a proposition made me by M. de + Montaigu, I ordered this box to be added to his baggage. In the + apothecary’s bill he offered me in payment of my salary, and which he + wrote out himself, he stated the weight of this box, which he called a + bale, at eleven hundred pounds, and charged me with the carriage of it at + an enormous rate. By the cares of M. Boy de la Tour, to whom I was + recommended by M. Roquin, his uncle, it was proved from the registers of + the customs of Lyons and Marseilles, that the said bale weighed no more + than forty-five pounds, and had paid carriage according to that weight. I + joined this authentic extract to the memoir of M, de Montaigu, and + provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts, I + returned to Paris, very impatient to make use of them. During the whole of + this long journey I had little adventures; at Como, in Valais, and + elsewhere. I there saw many curious things, amongst others the Boroma + islands, which are worthy of being described. But I am pressed by time, + and surrounded by spies. I am obliged to write in haste, and very + imperfectly, a work which requires the leisure and tranquility I do not + enjoy. If ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm, I + shall destine them to new modelling this work, should I be able to do it, + or at least to giving a supplement, of which I perceive it stands in the + greatest need.—[I have given up this project.] + </p> + <p> + The news of my quarrel had reached Paris before me and on my arrival I + found the people in all the offices, and the public in general, + scandalized at the follies of the ambassador. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding this, the public talk at Venice, and the unanswerable + proof I exhibited, I could not obtain even the shadow of justice. Far from + obtaining satisfaction or reparation, I was left at the discretion of the + ambassador for my salary, and this for no other reason than because, not + being a Frenchman, I had no right to national protection, and that it was + a private affair between him and myself. Everybody agreed I was insulted, + injured, and unfortunate; that the ambassador was mad, cruel, and + iniquitous, and that the whole of the affair dishonored him forever. But + what of this! He was the ambassador, and I was nothing more than the + secretary. + </p> + <p> + Order, or that which is so called, was in opposition to my obtaining + justice, and of this the least shadow was not granted me. I supposed that, + by loudly complaining, and by publicly treating this madman in the manner + he deserved, I should at length be told to hold my tongue; this was what I + wished for, and I was fully determined not to obey until I had obtained + redress. But at that time there was no minister for foreign affairs. I was + suffered to exclaim, nay, even encouraged to do it, and joined with; but + the affair still remained in the same state, until, tired of being in the + right without obtaining justice, my courage at length failed me, and let + the whole drop. + </p> + <p> + The only person by whom I was ill received, and from whom I should have + least expected such an injustice, was Madam de Beuzenval. Full of the + prerogatives of rank and nobility, she could not conceive it was possible + an ambassador could ever be in the wrong with respect to his secretary. + The reception she gave me was conformable to this prejudice. I was so + piqued at it that, immediately after leaving her, I wrote her perhaps one + of the strongest and most violent letters that ever came from my pen, and + since that time I never once returned to her house. I was better received + by Father Castel; but, in the midst of his Jesuitical wheedling I + perceived him faithfully to follow one of the great maxims of his society, + which is to sacrifice the weak to the powerful. The strong conviction I + felt of the justice of my cause, and my natural greatness of mind did not + suffer me patiently to endure this partiality. I ceased visiting Father + Castel, and on that account, going to the college of the Jesuits, where I + knew nobody but himself. Besides the intriguing and tyrannical spirit of + his brethren, so different from the cordiality of the good Father Hemet, + gave me such a disgust for their conversation that I have never since been + acquainted with, nor seen anyone of them except Father Berthier, whom I + saw twice or thrice at M. Dupin’s, in conjunction with whom he labored + with all his might at the refutation of Montesquieu. + </p> + <p> + That I may not return to the subject, I will conclude what I have to say + of M. de Montaigu. I had told him in our quarrels that a secretary was not + what he wanted, but an attorney’s clerk. He took the hint, and the person + whom he procured to succeed me was a real attorney, who in less than a + year robbed him of twenty or thirty thousand livres. He discharged him, + and sent him to prison, dismissed his gentleman with disgrace, and, in + wretchedness, got himself everywhere into quarrels, received affronts + which a footman would not have put up with, and, after numerous follies, + was recalled, and sent from the capital. It is very probable that among + the reprimands he received at court, his affair with me was not forgotten. + At least, a little time after his return he sent his maitre d’ hotel, to + settle my account, and give me some money. I was in want of it at that + moment; my debts at Venice, debts of honor, if ever there were any, lay + heavy upon my mind. I made use of the means which offered to discharge + them, as well as the note of Zanetto Nani. I received what was offered me, + paid all my debts, and remained as before, without a farthing in my + pocket, but relieved from a weight which had become insupportable. From + that time I never heard speak of M. de Montaigu until his death, with + which I became acquainted by means of the Gazette. The peace of God be + with that poor man! He was as fit for the functions of an ambassador as in + my infancy I had been for those of Grapignan.—However, it was in his + power to have honorably supported himself by my services, and rapidly to + have advanced me in a career to which the Comte de Gauvon had destined me + in my youth, and of the functions of which I had in a more advanced age + rendered myself capable. + </p> + <p> + The justice and inutility of my complaints, left in my mind seeds of + indignation against our foolish civil institutions, by which the welfare + of the public and real justice are always sacrificed to I know not what + appearance of order, and which does nothing more than add the sanction of + public authority to the oppression of the weak, and the iniquity of the + powerful. Two things prevented these seeds from putting forth at that time + as they afterwards did: one was, myself being in question in the affair, + and private interest, whence nothing great or noble ever proceeded, could + not draw from my heart the divine soarings, which the most pure love, only + of that which is just and sublime, can produce. The other was the charm of + friendship which tempered and calmed my wrath by the ascendancy of a more + pleasing sentiment. I had become acquainted at Venice with a Biscayan, a + friend of my friend Carrio’s, and worthy of being that of every honest + man. This amiable young man, born with every talent and virtue, had just + made the tour of Italy to gain a taste for the fine arts, and, imagining + he had nothing more to acquire, intended to return by the most direct road + to his own country. I told him the arts were nothing more than a + relaxation to a genius like his, fit to cultivate the sciences; and to + give him a taste for these, I advised him to make a journey to Paris and + reside there for six months. He took my advice, and went to Paris. He was + there and expected me when I arrived. His lodging was too considerable for + him, and he offered me the half of it, which I instantly accepted. I found + him absorbed in the study of the sublimest sciences. Nothing was above his + reach. He digested everything with a prodigious rapidity. How cordially + did he thank me for having procured him this food for his mind, which was + tormented by a thirst after knowledge, without his being aware of it! What + a treasure of light and virtue I found in the vigorous mind of this young + man! I felt he was the friend I wanted. We soon became intimate. Our + tastes were not the same, and we constantly disputed. Both opinionated, we + never could agree about anything. Nevertheless we could not separate; and, + notwithstanding our reciprocal and incessant contradiction, we neither of + us wished the other to be different from what he was. + </p> + <p> + Ignacio Emanuel de Altuna was one of those rare beings whom only Spain + produces, and of whom she produces too few for her glory. He had not the + violent national passions common in his own country. The idea of vengeance + could no more enter his head, than the desire of it could proceed from his + heart. His mind was too great to be vindictive, and I have frequently + heard him say, with the greatest coolness, that no mortal could offend + him. He was gallant, without being tender. He played with women as with so + many pretty children. He amused himself with the mistresses of his + friends, but I never knew him to have one of his own, nor the least desire + for it. The emanations from the virtue with which his heart was stored, + never permitted the fire of the passions to excite sensual desires. + </p> + <p> + After his travels he married, died young, and left children; and, I am as + convinced as of my existence, that his wife was the first and only woman + with whom he ever tasted of the pleasures of love. + </p> + <p> + Externally he was devout, like a Spaniard, but in his heart he had the + piety of an angel. Except myself, he is the only man I ever saw whose + principles were not intolerant. He never in his life asked any person his + opinion in matters of religion. It was not of the least consequence to him + whether his friend was a Jew, a Protestant, a Turk, a Bigot, or an + Atheist, provided he was an honest man. Obstinate and headstrong in + matters of indifference, but the moment religion was in question, even the + moral part, he collected himself, was silent, or simply said: “I am + charged with the care of myself, only.” It is astonishing so much + elevation of mind should be compatible with a spirit of detail carried to + minuteness. He previously divided the employment of the day by hours, + quarters and minutes; and so scrupulously adhered to this distribution, + that had the clock struck while he was reading a phrase, he would have + shut his book without finishing it. His portions of time thus laid out, + were some of them set apart to studies of one kind, and others to those of + another: he had some for reflection, conversation, divine service, the + reading of Locke, for his rosary, for visits, music and painting; and + neither pleasure, temptation, nor complaisance, could interrupt this + order: a duty he might have had to discharge was the only thing that could + have done it. When he gave me a list of his distribution, that I might + conform myself thereto, I first laughed, and then shed tears of + admiration. He never constrained anybody nor suffered constraint: he was + rather rough with people, who from politeness, attempted to put it upon + him. He was passionate without being sullen. I have often seen him warm, + but never saw him really angry with any person. Nothing could be more + cheerful than his temper: he knew how to pass and receive a joke; raillery + was one of his distinguished talents, and with which he possessed that of + pointed wit and repartee. When he was animated, he was noisy and heard at + a great distance; but whilst he loudly inveighed, a smile was spread over + his countenance, and in the midst of his warmth he used some diverting + expression which made all his hearers break out into a loud laugh. He had + no more of the Spanish complexion than of the phlegm of that country. His + skin was white, his cheeks finely colored, and his hair of a light + chestnut. He was tall and well made; his body was well formed for the + residence of his mind. + </p> + <p> + This wise-hearted as well as wise-headed man, knew mankind, and was my + friend; this was my only answer to such as are not so. We were so + intimately united, that our intention was to pass our days together. In a + few years I was to go to Ascoytia to live with him at his estate; every + part of the project was arranged the eve of his departure; nothing was + left undetermined, except that which depends not upon men in the best + concerted plans, posterior events. My disasters, his marriage, and + finally, his death, separated us forever. Some men would be tempted to + say, that nothing succeeds except the dark conspiracies of the wicked, and + that the innocent intentions of the good are seldom or never accomplished. + I had felt the inconvenience of dependence, and took a resolution never + again to expose myself to it; having seen the projects of ambition, which + circumstances had induced me to form, overturned in their birth. + Discouraged in the career I had so well begun, from which, however, I had + just been expelled, I resolved never more to attach myself to any person, + but to remain in an independent state, turning my talents to the best + advantage: of these I at length began to feel the extent, and that I had + hitherto had too modest an opinion of them. I again took up my opera, + which I had laid aside to go to Venice; and that I might be less + interrupted after the departure of Altuna, I returned to my old hotel St. + Quentin; which, in a solitary part of the town, and not far from the + Luxembourg, was more proper for my purpose than noisy Rue St. Honor. + </p> + <p> + There the only consolation which Heaven suffered me to taste in my misery, + and the only one which rendered it supportable, awaited me. This was not a + trancient acquaintance; I must enter into some detail relative to the + manner in which it was made. + </p> + <p> + We had a new landlady from Orleans; she took for a needlewoman a girl from + her own country, of between twenty-two and twenty-three years of age, and + who, as well as the hostess, ate at our table. This girl, named Theresa le + Vasseur, was of a good family; her father was an officer in the mint of + Orleans, and her mother a shopkeeper; they had many children. The function + of the mint of Orleans being suppressed, the father found himself without + employment; and the mother having suffered losses, was reduced to narrow + circumstances. She quitted her business and came to Paris with her husband + and daughter, who, by her industry, maintained all the three. + </p> + <p> + The first time I saw this girl at table, I was struck with her modesty; + and still more so with her lively yet charming look, which, with respect + to the impression it made upon me, was never equalled. Beside M. de + Bonnefond, the company was composed of several Irish priests, Gascons and + others of much the same description. Our hostess herself had not made the + best possible use of her time, and I was the only person at the table who + spoke and behaved with decency. Allurements were thrown out to the young + girl. I took her part, and the joke was then turned against me. Had I had + no natural inclination to the poor girl, compassion and contradiction + would have produced it in me: I was always a great friend to decency in + manners and conversation, especially in the fair sex. I openly declared + myself her champion, and perceived she was not insensible of my attention; + her looks, animated by the gratitude she dared not express by words, were + for this reason still more penetrating. + </p> + <p> + She was very timid, and I was as much so as herself. The connection which + this disposition common to both seemed to remove to a distance, was + however rapidly formed. Our landlady perceiving its progress, became + furious, and her brutality forwarded my affair with the young girl, who, + having no person in the house except myself to give her the least support, + was sorry to see me go from home, and sighed for the return of her + protector. The affinity our hearts bore to each other, and the similarity + of our dispositions, had soon their ordinary effect. She thought she saw + in me an honest man, and in this she was not deceived. I thought I + perceived in her a woman of great sensibility, simple in her manners, and + devoid of all coquetry:—I was no more deceived in her than she in + me. I began by declaring to her that I would never either abandon or marry + her. Love, esteem, artless sincerity were the ministers of my triumph, and + it was because her heart was tender and virtuous, that I was happy without + being presuming. + </p> + <p> + The apprehensions she was under of my not finding in her that for which I + sought, retarded my happiness more than every other circumstance. I + perceived her disconcerted and confused before she yielded her consent, + wishing to be understood and not daring to explain herself. Far from + suspecting the real cause of her embarrassment, I falsely imagined it to + proceed from another motive, a supposition highly insulting to her morals, + and thinking she gave me to understand my health might be exposed to + danger, I fell into so perplexed a state that, although it was no + restraint upon me, it poisoned my happiness during several days. As we did + not understand each other, our conversations upon this subject were so + many enigmas more than ridiculous. She was upon the point of believing I + was absolutely mad; and I on my part was as near not knowing what else to + think of her. At last we came to an explanation; she confessed to me with + tears the only fault of the kind of her whole life, immediately after she + became nubile; the fruit of her ignorance and the address of her seducer. + The moment I comprehended what she meant, I gave a shout of joy. “A + Hymen!” exclaimed I; “sought for at Paris, and at twenty years of age! Ah + my Theresa! I am happy in possessing thee, virtuous and healthy as thou + art, and in not finding that for which I never sought.” + </p> + <p> + At first amusement was my only object; I perceived I had gone further and + had given myself a companion. A little intimate connection with this + excellent girl, and a few reflections upon my situation, made me discover + that, while thinking of nothing more than my pleasures, I had done a great + deal towards my happiness. In the place of extinguished ambition, a life + of sentiment, which had entire possession of my heart, was necessary to + me. In a word, I wanted a successor to mamma: since I was never again to + live with her, it was necessary some person should live with her pupil, + and a person, too, in whom I might find that simplicity and docility of + mind and heart which she had found in me. It was, moreover, necessary that + the happiness of domestic life should indemnify me for the splendid career + I had just renounced. When I was quite alone there was a void in my heart, + which wanted nothing more than another heart to fill it up. Fate had + deprived me of this, or at least in part alienated me from that for which + by nature I was formed. From that moment I was alone, for there never was + for me the least thing intermediate between everything and nothing. I + found in Theresa the supplement of which I stood in need; by means of her + I lived as happily as I possibly could do, according to the course of + events. + </p> + <p> + I at first attempted to improve her mind. In this my pains were useless. + Her mind is as nature formed it: it was not susceptible of cultivation. I + do not blush in acknowledging she never knew how to read well, although + she writes tolerably. When I went to lodge in the Rue Neuve des Petits + Champs, opposite to my windows at the Hotel de Ponchartrain, there was a + sun-dial, on which for a whole month I used all my efforts to teach her to + know the hours; yet, she scarcely knows them at present. She never could + enumerate the twelve months of the year in order, and cannot distinguish + one numeral from another, notwithstanding all the trouble I took + endeavoring to teach them to her. She neither knows how to count money, + nor to reckon the price of anything. The word which when she speaks, + presents itself to her mind, is frequently opposite to that of which she + means to make use. I formerly made a dictionary of her phrases, to amuse + M. de Luxembourg, and her ‘qui pro quos’ often became celebrated among + those with whom I was most intimate. But this person, so confined in her + intellects, and, if the world pleases, so stupid, can give excellent + advice in cases of difficulty. In Switzerland, in England and in France, + she frequently saw what I had not myself perceived; she has often given me + the best advice I could possibly follow; she has rescued me from dangers + into which I had blindly precipitated myself, and in the presence of + princes and the great, her sentiments, good sense, answers, and conduct + have acquired her universal esteem, and myself the most sincere + congratulations on her merit. With persons whom we love, sentiment + fortifies the mind as well as the heart; and they who are thus attached, + have little need of searching for ideas elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + I lived with my Theresa as agreeably as with the finest genius in the + world. Her mother, proud of having been brought up under the Marchioness + of Monpipeau, attempted to be witty, wished to direct the judgment of her + daughter, and by her knavish cunning destroyed the simplicity of our + intercourse. + </p> + <p> + The fatigue of this opportunity made me in some degree surmount the + foolish shame which prevented me from appearing with Theresa in public; + and we took short country walks, tete-a-tete, and partook of little + collations, which, to me, were delicious. I perceived she loved me + sincerely, and this increased my tenderness. This charming intimacy left + me nothing to wish; futurity no longer gave me the least concern, or at + most appeared only as the present moment prolonged: I had no other desire + than that of insuring its duration. + </p> + <p> + This attachment rendered all other dissipation superfluous and insipid to + me. As I only went out for the purpose of going to the apartment of + Theresa, her place of residence almost became my own. My retirement was so + favorable to the work I had undertaken, that, in less than three months, + my opera was entirely finished, both words and music, except a few + accompaniments, and fillings up which still remained to be added. This + maneuvering business was very fatiguing to me. I proposed it to Philidor, + offering him at the same time a part of the profits. He came twice, and + did something to the middle parts in the act of Ovid; but he could not + confine himself to an assiduous application by the allurement of + advantages which were distant and uncertain. He did not come a third time, + and I finished the work myself. + </p> + <p> + My opera completed, the next thing was to make something of it: this was + by much the more difficult task of the two. A man living in solitude in + Paris will never succeed in anything. I was on the point of making my way + by means of M. de la Popliniere, to whom Gauffecourt, at my return to + Geneva, had introduced me. M. de la Popliniere was the Mecaenas of Rameau; + Madam de la Popliniere his very humble scholar. Rameau was said to govern + in that house. Judging that he would with pleasure protect the work of one + of his disciples, I wished to show him what I had done. He refused to + examine it; saying he could not read score, it was too fatiguing to him. + M. de la Popliniere, to obviate this difficulty, said he might hear it; + and offered me to send for musicians to execute certain detached pieces. I + wished for nothing better. Rameau consented with an ill grace, incessantly + repeating that the composition of a man not regularly bred to the science, + and who had learned music without a master, must certainly be very fine! I + hastened to copy into parts five or six select passages. Ten symphonies + were procured, and Albert, Berard, and Mademoiselle Bourbonnais undertook + the vocal part. Rameau, the moment he heard the overture, was purposely + extravagant in his eulogium, by which he intended it should be understood + it could not be my composition. He showed signs of impatience at every + passage: but after a counter tenor song, the air of which was noble and + harmonious, with a brilliant accompaniment, he could no longer contain + himself; he apostrophised me with a brutality at which everybody was + shocked, maintaining that a part of what he had heard was by a man + experienced in the art, and the rest by some ignorant person who did not + so much as understand music. It is true my composition, unequal and + without rule, was sometimes sublime, and at others insipid, as that of a + person who forms himself in an art by the soarings of his own genius, + unsupported by science, must necessarily be. Rameau pretended to see + nothing in me but a contemptible pilferer, without talents or taste. The + rest of the company, among whom I must distinguish the master of the + house, were of a different opinion. M. de Richelieu, who at that time + frequently visited M. and Madam de la Popliniere, heard them speak of my + work, and wished to hear the whole of it, with an intention, if it pleased + him, to have it performed at court. The opera was executed with full + choruses, and by a great orchestra, at the expense of the king, at M. de + Bonneval’s intendant of the Menus; Francoeur directed the band. The effect + was surprising: the duke never ceased to exclaim and applaud; and, at the + end of one of the choruses, in the act of Tasso, he arose and came to me, + and, pressing my hand, said: “M. Rousseau, this is transporting harmony. I + never heard anything finer. I will get this performed at Versailles.” + </p> + <p> + Madam de la Poliniere, who was present, said not a word. Rameau, although + invited, refused to come. The next day, Madam de la Popliniere received me + at her toilette very ungraciously, affected to undervalue my piece, and + told me, that although a little false glitter had at first dazzled M. de + Richelieu, he had recovered from his error, and she advised me not to + place the least dependence upon my opera. The duke arrived soon after, and + spoke to me in quite a different language. He said very flattering things + of my talents, and seemed as much disposed as ever to have my composition + performed before the king. “There is nothing,” said he, “but the act of + Tasso which cannot pass at court: you must write another.” Upon this + single word I shut myself up in my apartment; and in three weeks produced, + in the place of Tasso, another act, the subject of which was Hesiod + inspired by the muses. In this I found the secret of introducing a part of + the history of my talents, and of the jealousy with which Rameau had been + pleased to honor me. There was in the new act an elevation less gigantic + and better supported than in the act of Tasso. The music was as noble and + the composition better; and had the other two acts been equal to this, the + whole piece would have supported a representation to advantage. But whilst + I was endeavoring to give it the last finishing, another undertaking + suspended the completion of that I had in my hand. In the winter which + succeeded the battle of Fontenoi, there were many galas at Versailles, and + several operas performed at the theater of the little stables. Among the + number of the latter was the dramatic piece of Voltaire, entitled ‘La + Princesse de Navarre’, the music by Rameau, the name of which has just + been changed to that of ‘Fetes de Ramire’. This new subject required + several changes to be made in the divertissements, as well in the poetry + as in the music. + </p> + <p> + A person capable of both was now sought after. Voltaire was in Lorraine, + and Rameau also; both of whom were employed on the opera of the Temple of + Glory, and could not give their attention to this. M. de Richelieu thought + of me, and sent to desire I would undertake the alterations; and, that I + might the better examine what there was to do, he gave me separately the + poem and the music. In the first place, I would not touch the words + without the consent of the author, to whom I wrote upon the subject a very + polite and respectful letter, such a one as was proper; and received from + him the following answer: + </p> + <p> + “SIR: In you two talents, which hitherto have always been separated, are + united. These are two good reasons for me to esteem and to endeavor to + love you. I am sorry, on your account, you should employ these talents in + a work which is so little worthy of them. A few months ago the Duke de + Richelieu commanded me to make, absolutely in the twinkling of an eye, a + little and bad sketch of a few insipid and imperfect scenes to be adapted + to divertissements which are not of a nature to be joined with them. I + obeyed with the greatest exactness. I wrote very fast, and very ill. I + sent this wretched production to M. de Richelieu, imagining he would make + no use of it, or that I should have it again to make the necessary + corrections. Happily it is in your hands, and you are at full liberty to + do with it whatever you please: I have entirely lost sight of the thing. I + doubt not but you will have corrected all the faults which cannot but + abound in so hasty a composition of such a very simple sketch, and am + persuaded you will have supplied whatever was wanting. + </p> + <p> + “I remember that, among other stupid inattentions, no account is given in + the scenes which connect the divertissements of the manner in which the + Princess Grenadine immediately passes from a prison to a garden or palace. + As it is not a magician but a Spanish nobleman who gives her the gala, I + am of opinion nothing should be effected by enchantment. + </p> + <p> + “I beg, sir, you will examine this part, of which I have but a confused + idea. + </p> + <p> + “You will likewise consider, whether or not it be necessary the prison + should be opened, and the princess conveyed from it to a fine palace, gilt + and varnished, and prepared for her. I know all this is wretched, and that + it is beneath a thinking being to make a serious affair of such trifles; + but, since we must displease as little as possible, it is necessary we + should conform to reason, even in a bad divertissement of an opera. + </p> + <p> + “I depend wholly upon you and M. Ballot, and soon expect to have the honor + of returning you my thanks, and assuring you how much I am, etc.” + </p> + <p> + There is nothing surprising in the great politeness of this letter, + compared with the almost crude ones which he has since written to me. He + thought I was in great favor with Madam Richelieu; and the courtly + suppleness, which everyone knows to be the character of this author, + obliged him to be extremely polite to a new comer, until he become better + acquainted with the measure of the favor and patronage he enjoyed. + </p> + <p> + Authorized by M. de Voltaire, and not under the necessity of giving myself + the least concern about M. Rameau, who endeavored to injure me, I set to + work, and in two months my undertaking was finished. With respect to the + poetry, it was confined to a mere trifle; I aimed at nothing more than to + prevent the difference of style from being perceived, and had the vanity + to think I had succeeded. The musical part was longer and more laborious. + Besides my having to compose several preparatory pieces, and, amongst + others, the overture, all the recitative, with which I was charged, was + extremely difficult on account of the necessity there was of connecting, + in a few verses, and by very rapid modulations, symphonies and choruses, + in keys very different from each other; for I was determined neither to + change nor transpose any of the airs, that Rameau might not accuse me of + having disfigured them. I succeeded in the recitative; it was well + accented, full of energy and excellent modulation. The idea of two men of + superior talents, with whom I was associated, had elevated my genius, and + I can assert, that in this barren and inglorious task, of which the public + could have no knowledge, I was for the most part equal to my models. + </p> + <p> + The piece, in the state to which I had brought it, was rehearsed in the + great theatre of the opera. Of the three authors who had contributed to + the production, I was the only one present. Voltaire was not in Paris, and + Rameau either did not come, or concealed himself. The words of the first + monologue were very mournful; they began with: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + O Mort! viens terminer les malheurs de ma vie. + + [O Death! hasten to terminate the misfortunes of my life.] +</pre> + <p> + To these, suitable music was necessary. It was, however, upon this that + Madam de la Popliniere founded her censure; accusing me, with much + bitterness, of having composed a funeral anthem. M. de Richelieu very + judiciously began by informing himself who was the author of the poetry of + this monologue; I presented him the manuscript he had sent me, which + proved it was by Voltaire. “In that case,” said the duke, “Voltaire alone + is to blame.” During the rehearsal, everything I had done was disapproved + by Madam de la Popliniere, and approved of by M. de Richelieu; but I had + afterwards to do with too powerful an adversary. It was signified to me + that several parts of my composition wanted revising, and that on this it + was necessary I should consult M. Rameau; my heart was wounded by such a + conclusion, instead of the eulogium I expected, and which certainly I + merited, and I returned to my apartment overwhelmed with grief, exhausted + with fatigue, and consumed by chagrin. I was immediately taken ill, and + confined to my chamber for upwards of six weeks. + </p> + <p> + Rameau, who was charged with the alterations indicated by Madam de la + Popliniere, sent to ask me for the overture of my great opera, to + substitute it to that I had just composed. Happily I perceived the trick + he intended to play me, and refused him the overture. As the performance + was to be in five or six days, he had not time to make one, and was + obliged to leave that I had prepared. It was in the Italian taste, and in + a style at that time quite new in France. It gave satisfaction, and I + learned from M. de Valmalette, maitre d’hotel to the king, and son-in-law + to M. Mussard, my relation and friend, that the connoisseurs were highly + satisfied with my work, and that the public had not distinguished it from + that of Rameau. However, he and Madam de la Popliniere took measures to + prevent any person from knowing I had any concern in the matter. In the + books distributed to the audience, and in which the authors are always + named, Voltaire was the only person mentioned, and Rameau preferred the + suppression of his own name to seeing it associated with mine. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I was in a situation to leave my room, I wished to wait upon M. + de Richelieu, but it was too late; he had just set off for Dunkirk, where + he was to command the expedition destined to Scotland. At his return, said + I to myself, to authorize my idleness, it will be too late for my purpose, + not having seen him since that time. I lost the honor of mywork and the + emoluments it should have produced me, besides considering my time, + trouble, grief, and vexation, my illness, and the money this cost me, + without ever receiving the least benefit, or rather, recompense. However, + I always thought M. de Richelieu was disposed to serve me, and that he had + a favorable opinion of my talents; but my misfortune, and Madam de la + Popliniere, prevented the effect of his good wishes. + </p> + <p> + I could not divine the reason of the aversion this lady had to me. I had + always endeavored to make myself agreeable to her, and regularly paid her + my court. Gauffecourt explained to me the causes of her dislike: “The + first,” said he, “is her friendship for Rameau, of whom she is the + declared panegyrist, and who will not suffer a competitor; the next is an + original sin, which ruins you in her estimation, and which she will never + forgive; you are a Genevese.” Upon this he told me the Abbe Hubert, who + was from the same city, and the sincere friend of M. de la Popliniere, had + used all his efforts to prevent him from marrying this lady, with whose + character and temper he was very well acquainted; and that after the + marriage she had vowed him an implacable hatred, as well as all the + Genevese. “Although La Popliniere has a friendship for you, do not,” said + he, “depend upon his protection: he is still in love with his wife: she + hates you, and is vindictive and artful; you will never do anything in + that house.” All this I took for granted. + </p> + <p> + The same Gauffecourt rendered me much about this time, a service of which + I stood in the greatest need. I had just lost my virtuous father, who was + about sixty years of age. I felt this loss less severely than I should + have done at any other time, when the embarrassments of my situation had + less engaged my attention. During his life-time I had never claimed what + remained of the property of my mother, and of which he received the little + interest. His death removed all my scruples upon this subject. But the + want of a legal proof of the death of my brother created a difficulty + which Gauffecourt undertook to remove, and this he effected by means of + the good offices of the advocate De Lolme. As I stood in need of the + little resource, and the event being doubtful, I waited for a definitive + account with the greatest anxiety. + </p> + <p> + One evening on entering my apartment I found a letter, which I knew to + contain the information I wanted, and I took it up with an impatient + trembling, of which I was inwardly ashamed. What? said I to myself, with + disdain, shall Jean Jacques thus suffer himself to be subdued by interest + and curiosity? I immediately laid the letter again upon the chimney-piece. + I undressed myself, went to bed with great composure, slept better than + ordinary, and rose in the morning at a late hour, without thinking more of + my letter. As I dressed myself, it caught my eye; I broke the seal very + leisurely, and found under the envelope a bill of exchange. I felt a + variety of pleasing sensations at the same time: but I can assert, upon my + honor, that the most lively of them all was that proceeding from having + known how to be master of myself. + </p> + <p> + I could mention twenty such circumstances in my life, but I am too much + pressed for time to say everything. I sent a small part of this money to + my poor mamma; regretting, with my eyes suffused with tears, the happy + time when I should have laid it all at her feet. All her letters contained + evident marks of her distress. She sent me piles of recipes, and numerous + secrets, with which she pretended I might make my fortune and her own. The + idea of her wretchedness already affected her heart and contracted her + mind. The little I sent her fell a prey to the knaves by whom she was + surrounded; she received not the least advantage from anything. The idea + of dividing what was necessary to my own subsistence with these wretches + disgusted me, especially after the vain attempt I had made to deliver her + from them, and of which I shall have occasion to speak. Time slipped away, + and with it the little money I had; we were two, or indeed, four persons; + or, to speak still more correctly, seven or eight. Although Theresa was + disinterested to a degree of which there are but few examples, her mother + was not so. She was no sooner a little relieved from her necessities by my + cares, than she sent for her whole family to partake of the fruits of + them. Her sisters, sons, daughters, all except her eldest daughter, + married to the director of the coaches of Augers, came to Paris. + Everything I did for Theresa, her mother diverted from its original + destination in favor of these people who were starving. I had not to do + with an avaricious person; and, not being under the influence of an unruly + passion, I was not guilty of follies. Satisfied with genteelly supporting + Theresa without luxury, and unexposed to pressing wants, I readily + consented to let all the earnings of her industry go to the profit of her + mother; and to this even I did not confine myself; but, by a fatality by + which I was pursued, whilst mamma was a prey to the rascals about her + Theresa was the same to her family; and I could not do anything on either + side for the benefit of her to whom the succor I gave was destined. It was + odd enough the youngest child of M. de la Vasseur, the only one who had + not received a marriage portion from her parents, should provide for their + subsistence; and that, after having a long time been beaten by her + brothers, sisters, and even her nieces, the poor girl should be plundered + by them all, without being more able to defend herself from their thefts + than from their blows. One of her nieces, named Gorton le Duc, was of a + mild and amiable character; although spoiled by the lessons and examples + of the others. As I frequently saw them together, I gave them names, which + they afterwards gave to each other; I called the niece my niece, and the + aunt my aunt; they both called me uncle. Hence the name of aunt, by which + I continued to call Theresa, and which my friends sometimes jocosely + repeated. It will be judged that in such a situation I had not a moment to + lose, before I attempted to extricate myself. Imagining M. de Richelieu + had forgotten me, and having no more hopes from the court, I made some + attempts to get my opera brought out at Paris; but I met with difficulties + which could not immediately be removed, and my situation became daily more + painful. I presented my little comedy of Narcisse to the Italians; it was + received, and I had the freedom of the theatre, which gave much pleasure. + But this was all; I could never get my piece performed, and, tired of + paying my court to players, I gave myself no more trouble about them. At + length I had recourse to the last expedient which remained to me, and the + only one of which I ought to have made use. While frequenting the house of + M. de la Popliniere, I had neglected the family of Dupin. The two ladies, + although related, were not on good terms, and never saw each other. There + was not the least intercourse between the two families, and Thieriot was + the only person who visited both. He was desired to endeavor to bring me + again to M. Dupin’s. M. de Francueil was then studying natural history and + chemistry, and collecting a cabinet. I believe he aspired to become a + member of the Academy of Sciences; to this effect he intended to write a + book, and judged I might be of use to him in the undertaking. Madam de + Dupin, who, on her part, had another work in contemplation, had much the + same views in respect to me. They wished to have me in common as a kind of + secretary, and this was the reason of the invitations of Thieriot. + </p> + <p> + I required that M. de Francueil should previously employ his interest with + that of Jelyote to get my work rehearsed at the opera-house; to this he + consented. The Muses Galantes were several times rehearsed, first at the + Magazine, and afterwards in the great theatre. The audience was very + numerous at the great rehearsal, and several parts of the composition were + highly applauded. However, during this rehearsal, very ill-conducted by + Rebel, I felt the piece would not be received; and that, before it could + appear, great alterations were necessary. I therefore withdrew it without + saying a word, or exposing myself to a refusal; but I plainly perceived, + by several indications, that the work, had it been perfect, could not have + succeeded. M. de Francueil had promised me to get it rehearsed, but not + that it should be received. He exactly kept his word. I thought I + perceived on this occasion, as well as many others, that neither Madam + Dupin nor himself were willing I should acquire a certain reputation in + the world, lest, after the publication of their books, it should be + supposed they had grafted their talents upon mine. Yet as Madam Dupin + always supposed those I had to be very moderate, and never employed me + except it was to write what she dictated, or in researches of pure + erudition, the reproach, with respect to her, would have been unjust. + </p> + <p> + This last failure of success completed my discouragement. I abandoned + every prospect of fame and advancement; and, without further troubling my + head about real or imaginary talents, with which I had so little success, + I dedicated my whole time and cares to procure myself and Theresa a + subsistence in the manner most pleasing to those to whom it should be + agreeable to provide for it. I therefore entirely attached myself to Madam + Dupin and M. de Francueil. This did not place me in a very opulent + situation; for with eight or nine hundred livres, which I had the first + two years, I had scarcely enough to provide for my primary wants; being + obliged to live in their neighborhood, a dear part of the town, in a + furnished lodging, and having to pay for another lodging at the extremity + of Paris, at the very top of the Rue Saint Jacques, to which, let the + weather be as it would, I went almost every evening to supper. I soon got + into the track of my new occupations, and conceived a taste for them. I + attached myself to the study of chemistry, and attended several courses of + it with M. de Francueil at M. Rouelle’s, and we began to scribble over + paper upon that science, of which we scarcely possessed the elements. In + 1717, we went to pass the autumn in Tourraine, at the castle of + Chenonceaux, a royal mansion upon the Cher, built by Henry the II, for + Diana of Poitiers, of whom the ciphers are still seen, and which is now in + the possession of M. Dupin, a farmer general. We amused ourselves very + agreeably in this beautiful place, and lived very well: I became as fat + there as a monk. Music was a favorite relaxation. I composed several trios + full of harmony, and of which I may perhaps speak in my supplement if ever + I should write one. Theatrical performances were another resource. I wrote + a comedy in fifteen days, entitled ‘l’Engagement Temeraire’,—[The + Rash Engagement]—which will be found amongst my papers; it has no + other merit than that of being lively. I composed several other little + things: amongst others a poem entitled, ‘l’Aliee de Sylvie’, from the name + of an alley in the park upon the bank of the Cher; and this without + discontinuing my chemical studies, or interrupting what I had to do for + Madam Dupin. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I was increasing my corpulency at Chenonceaux, that of my poor + Theresa was augmented at Paris in another manner, and at my return I found + the work I had put upon the frame in greater forwardness than I had + expected. This, on account of my situation, would have thrown me into the + greatest embarrassment, had not one of my messmates furnished me with the + only resource which could relieve me from it. This is one of those + essential narratives which I cannot give with too much simplicity; + because, in making an improper use of their names, I should either excuse + or inculpate myself, both of which in this place are entirely out of the + question. + </p> + <p> + During the residence of Altuna at Paris, instead of going to eat at a + ‘Traiteurs’, he and I commonly ate in the neighborhood, almost opposite + the cul de sac of the opera, at the house of a Madam la Selle, the wife of + a tailor, who gave but very ordinary dinners, but whose table was much + frequented on account of the safe company which generally resorted to it; + no person was received without being introduced by one of those who used + the house. The commander, De Graville, an old debauchee, with much wit and + politeness, but obscene in conversation, lodged at the house, and brought + to it a set of riotous and extravagant young men; officers in the guards + and mousquetaires. The Commander de Nonant, chevalier to all the girls of + the opera, was the daily oracle, who conveyed to us the news of this + motley crew. M. du Plessis, a lieutenant-colonel, retired from the + service, an old man of great goodness and wisdom; and M. Ancelet, an + officer in the mousquetaires, kept the young people in a certain kind of + order. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [It was to this M. Ancelet I gave a little comedy, after my own + manner entitled ‘les Prisouniers de Guerre’, which I wrote after the + disasters of the French in Bavaria and Bohemia: I dared not either + avow this comedy or show it, and this for the singular reason that + neither the King of France nor the French were ever better spoken of + nor praised with more sincerity of heart than in my piece though + written by a professed republican, I dared not declare myself the + panegyrist of a nation, whose maxims were exactly the reverse of my + own. More grieved at the misfortunes of France than the French + themselves I was afraid the public would construe into flattery and + mean complaisance the marks of a sincere attachment, of which in my + first part I have mentioned the date and the cause, and which I was + ashamed to show.] +</pre> + <p> + This table was also frequented by commercial people, financiers and + contractors, but extremely polite, and such as were distinguished amongst + those of the same profession. M. de Besse, M. de Forcade, and others whose + names I have forgotten, in short, well-dressed people of every description + were seen there; except abbes and men of the long robe, not one of whom I + ever met in the house, and it was agreed not to introduce men of either of + these professions. This table, sufficiently resorted to, was very cheerful + without being noisy, and many of the guests were waggish, without + descending to vulgarity. The old commander with all his smutty stories, + with respect to the substance, never lost sight of the politeness of the + old court; nor did any indecent expression, which even women would not + have pardoned him, escape his lips. His manner served as a rule to every + person at table; all the young men related their adventures of gallantry + with equal grace and freedom, and these narratives were the more complete, + as the seraglio was at the door; the entry which led to it was the same; + for there was a communication between this and the shop of Le Duchapt, a + celebrated milliner, who at that time had several very pretty girls, with + whom our young people went to chat before or after dinner. I should thus + have amused myself as well as the rest, had I been less modest: I had only + to go in as they did, but this I never had courage enough to do. With + respect to Madam de Selle, I often went to eat at her house after the + departure of Altuna. I learned a great number of amusing anecdotes, and by + degrees I adopted, thank God, not the morals, but the maxims I found to be + established there. Honest men injured, husbands deceived, women seduced, + were the most ordinary topics, and he who had best filled the foundling + hospital was always the most applauded. I caught the manners I daily had + before my eyes: I formed my manner of thinking upon that I observed to be + the reigning one amongst amiable, and upon the whole, very honest people. + I said to myself, since it is the custom of the country, they who live + here may adopt it; this is the expedient for which I sought. I cheerfully + determined upon it without the least scruple, and the only one I had to + overcome was that of Theresa, whom, with the greatest imaginable + difficulty, I persuaded to adopt this only means of saving her honor. Her + mother, who was moreover apprehensive of a new embarrassment by an + increase of family, came to my aid, and she at length suffered herself to + be prevailed upon. We made choice of a midwife, a safe and prudent woman, + Mademoiselle Gouin, who lived at the Point Saint Eustache, and when the + time came, Theresa was conducted to her house by her mother. + </p> + <p> + I went thither several times to see her, and gave her a cipher which I had + made double upon two cards; one of them was put into the linen of the + child, and by the midwife deposited with the infant in the office of the + foundling hospital according to the customary form. The year following, a + similar inconvenience was remedied by the same expedient, excepting the + cipher, which was forgotten: no more reflection on my part, nor + approbation on that of the mother; she obeyed with trembling. All the + vicissitudes which this fatal conduct has produced in my manner of + thinking, as well as in my destiny, will be successively seen. For the + present, we will confine ourselves to this first period; its cruel and + unforeseen consequences will but too frequently oblige me to refer to it. + </p> + <p> + I here mark that of my first acquaintance with Madam D’Epinay, whose name + will frequently appear in these memoirs. She was a Mademoiselle D’ + Esclavelles, and had lately been married to M. D’Epinay, son of M. de + Lalive de Bellegarde, a farmer general. She understood music, and a + passion for the art produced between these three persons the greatest + intimacy. Madam Francueil introduced me to Madam D’Epinay, and we + sometimes supped together at her house. She was amiable, had wit and + talent, and was certainly a desirable acquaintance; but she had a female + friend, a Mademoiselle d’Ette, who was said to have much malignancy in her + disposition; she lived with the Chevalier de Valory, whose temper was far + from being one of the best. I am of opinion, an acquaintance with these + two persons was prejudicial to Madam D’Epinay, to whom, with a disposition + which required the greatest attention from those about her, nature had + given very excellent qualities to regulate or counterbalance her + extravagant pretensions. M. de Francueil inspired her with a part of the + friendship he had conceived for me, and told me of the connection between + them, of which, for that reason, I would not now speak, were it not become + so public as not to be concealed from M. D’Epinay himself. + </p> + <p> + M. de Francueil confided to me secrets of a very singular nature relative + to this lady, of which she herself never spoke to me, nor so much as + suspected my having a knowledge; for I never opened my lips to her upon + the subject, nor will I ever do it to any person. The confidence all + parties had in my prudence rendered my situation very embarrassing, + especially with Madam de Francueil, whose knowledge of me was sufficient + to remove from her all suspicion on my account, although I was connected + with her rival. I did everything I could to console this poor woman, whose + husband certainly did not return the affection she had for him. I listened + to these three persons separately; I kept all their secrets so faithfully + that not one of the three ever drew from me those of the two others, and + this, without concealing from either of the women my attachment to each of + them. Madam de Francueil, who frequently wished to make me an agent, + received refusals in form, and Madam D’Epinay, once desiring me to charge + myself with a letter to M. de Francueil received the same mortification, + accompanied by a very express declaration, that if ever she wished to + drive me forever from the house, she had only a second time to make me a + like proposition. + </p> + <p> + In justice to Madam D’Epinay, I must say, that far from being offended + with me she spoke of my conduct to M. de Francueil in terms of the highest + approbation, and continued to receive me as well, and as politely as ever. + It was thus, amidst the heart-burnings of three persons to whom I was + obliged to behave with the greatest circumspection, on whom I in some + measure depended, and for whom I had conceived an attachment, that by + conducting myself with mildness and complaisance, although accompanied + with the greatest firmness, I preserved unto the last not only their + friendship, but their esteem and confidence. Notwithstanding my + absurdities and awkwardness, Madam D’Epinay would have me make one of the + party to the Chevrette, a country-house, near Saint Denis, belonging to M. + de Bellegarde. There was a theatre, in which performances were not + unfrequent. I had a part given me, which I studied for six months without + intermission, and in which, on the evening of the representation, I was + obliged to be prompted from the beginning to the end. After this + experiment no second proposal of the kind was ever made to me. + </p> + <p> + My acquaintance with M. D’Epinay procured me that of her sister-in-law, + Mademoiselle de Bellegarde, who soon afterwards became Countess of + Houdetot. The first time I saw her she was upon the point of marriage; + when she conversed with me a long time, with that charming familiarity + which was natural to her. I thought her very amiable, but I was far from + perceiving that this young person would lead me, although innocently, into + the abyss in which I still remain. + </p> + <p> + Although I have not spoken of Diderot since my return from Venice, no more + than of my friend M. Roguin, I did not neglect either of them, especially + the former, with whom I daily became more intimate. He had a Nannette, as + well as I a Theresa; this was between us another conformity of + circumstances. But my Theresa, as fine a woman as his Nannette, was of a + mild and amiable character, which might gain and fix the affections of a + worthy man; whereas Nannette was a vixen, a troublesome prater, and had no + qualities in the eyes of others which in any measure compensated for her + want of education. However he married her, which was well done of him, if + he had given a promise to that effect. I, for my part, not having entered + into any such engagement, was not in the least haste to imitate him. + </p> + <p> + I was also connected with the Abbe de Condillac, who had acquired no more + literary fame than myself, but in whom there was every appearance of his + becoming what he now is. I was perhaps the first who discovered the extent + of his abilities, and esteemed them as they deserved. He on his part + seemed satisfied with me, and, whilst shut up in my chamber in the Rue + Jean Saint Denis, near the opera-house, I composed my act of Hesiod, he + sometimes came to dine with me tete-a-tete. We sent for our dinner, and + paid share and share alike. He was at that time employed on his Essay on + the Origin of Human Knowledge, which was his first work. When this was + finished, the difficulty was to find a bookseller who would take it. The + booksellers of Paris are shy of every author at his beginning, and + metaphysics, not much then in vogue, were no very inviting subject. I + spoke to Diderot of Condillac and his work, and I afterwards brought them + acquainted with each other. They were worthy of each other’s esteem, and + were presently on the most friendly terms. Diderot persuaded the + bookseller, Durand, to take the manuscript from the abbe, and this great + metaphysician received for his first work, and almost as a favor, a + hundred crowns, which perhaps he would not have obtained without my + assistance. As we lived in a quarter of the town very distant from each + other, we all assembled once a week at the Palais Royal, and went to dine + at the Hotel du Panier Fleuri. These little weekly dinners must have been + extremely pleasing to Diderot; for he who failed in almost all his + appointments never missed one of these. At our little meeting I formed the + plan of a periodical paper, entitled ‘le Persifleur’—[The Jeerer]—which + Diderot and I were alternately to write. I sketched out the first sheet, + and this brought me acquainted with D’Alembert, to whom Diderot had + mentioned it. Unforeseen events frustrated our intention, and the project + was carried no further. + </p> + <p> + These two authors had just undertaken the ‘Dictionnaire Encyclopedique’, + which at first was intended to be nothing more than a kind of translation + of Chambers, something like that of the Medical Dictionary of James, which + Diderot had just finished. Diderot was desirous I should do something in + this second undertaking, and proposed to me the musical part, which I + accepted. This I executed in great haste, and consequently very ill, in + the three months he had given me, as well as all the authors who were + engaged in the work. But I was the only person in readiness at the time + prescribed. I gave him my manuscript, which I had copied by a lackey, + belonging to M. de Francueil, of the name of Dupont, who wrote very well. + I paid him ten crowns out of my own pocket, and these have never been + reimbursed me. Diderot had promised me a retribution on the part of the + booksellers, of which he has never since spoken to me nor I to him. + </p> + <p> + This undertaking of the ‘Encyclopedie’ was interrupted by his + imprisonment. The ‘Pensees Philosophiques’ drew upon him some temporary + inconvenience which had no disagreeable consequences. He did not come off + so easily on account of the ‘Lettre sur les Aveugles’, in which there was + nothing reprehensible, but some personal attacks with which Madam du Pre + St. Maur, and M. de Raumur were displeased: for this he was confined in + the dungeon of Vincennes. Nothing can describe the anguish I felt on + account of the misfortunes of my friend. My wretched imagination, which + always sees everything in the worst light, was terrified. I imagined him + to be confined for the remainder of his life. I was almost distracted with + the thought. I wrote to Madam de Pompadour, beseeching her to release him + or obtain an order to shut me up in the same dungeon. I received no answer + to my letter: this was too reasonable to be efficacious, and I do not + flatter myself that it contributed to the alleviation which, some time + afterwards, was granted to the severities of the confinement of poor + Diderot. Had this continued for any length of time with the same rigor, I + verily believe I should have died in despair at the foot of the hated + dungeon. However, if my letter produced but little effect, I did not on + account of it attribute to myself much merit, for I mentioned it but to + very few people, and never to Diderot himself. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK VIII. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>t the end of the + preceding book a pause was necessary. With this begins the long chain of + my misfortunes deduced from their origin. + </p> + <p> + Having lived in the two most splendid houses in Paris, I had, + notwithstanding my candor and modesty, made some acquaintance. Among + others at Dupin’s, that of the young hereditary prince of Saxe-Gotha, and + of the Baron de Thun, his governor; at the house of M. de la Popliniere, + that of M. Seguy, friend to the Baron de Thun, and known in the literary + world by his beautiful edition of Rousseau. The baron invited M. Seguy and + myself to go and pass a day or two at Fontenai sous bois, where the prince + had a house. As I passed Vincennes, at the sight of the dungeon, my + feelings were acute; the effect of which the baron perceived on my + countenance. At supper the prince mentioned the confinement of Diderot. + The baron, to hear what I had to say, accused the prisoner of imprudence; + and I showed not a little of the same in the impetuous manner in which I + defended him. This excess of zeal, inspired by the misfortune which had + befallen my friend, was pardoned, and the conversation immediately + changed. There were present two Germans in the service of the prince. M. + Klupssel, a man of great wit, his chaplain, and who afterwards, having + supplanted the baron, became his governor. The other was a young man named + M. Grimm, who served him as a reader until he could obtain some place, and + whose indifferent appearance sufficiently proved the pressing necessity he + was under of immediately finding one. From this very evening Klupssel and + I began an acquaintance which soon led to friendship. That with the Sieur + Grimm did not make quite so rapid a progress; he made but few advances, + and was far from having that haughty presumption which prosperity + afterwards gave him. The next day at dinner, the conversation turned upon + music; he spoke well on the subject. I was transported with joy when I + learned from him he could play an accompaniment on the harpsichord. After + dinner was over music was introduced, and we amused ourselves the rest of + the afternoon on the harpischord of the prince. Thus began that friendship + which, at first, was so agreeable to me, afterwards so fatal, and of which + I shall hereafter have so much to say. + </p> + <p> + At my return to Paris, I learned the agreeable news that Diderot was + released from the dungeon, and that he had on his parole the castle and + park of Vincennes for a prison, with permission to see his friends. How + painful was it to me not to be able instantly to fly to him! But I was + detained two or three days at Madam Dupin’s by indispensable business. + After ages of impatience, I flew to the arms of my friend. He was not + alone: D’ Alembert and the treasurer of the Sainte Chapelle were with him. + As I entered I saw nobody but himself, I made but one step, one cry; I + riveted my face to his: I pressed him in my arms, without speaking to him, + except by tears and sighs: I stifled him with my affection and joy. The + first thing he did, after quitting my arms, was to turn himself towards + the ecclesiastic, and say: “You see, sir, how much I am beloved by my + friends.” My emotion was so great, that it was then impossible for me to + reflect upon this manner of turning it to advantage; but I have since + thought that, had I been in the place of Diderot, the idea he manifested + would not have been the first that would have occurred to me. + </p> + <p> + I found him much affected by his imprisonment. The dungeon had made a + terrible impression upon his mind, and, although he was very agreeably + situated in the castle, and at liberty to walk where he pleased in the + park, which was not inclosed even by a wall, he wanted the society of his + friends to prevent him from yielding to melancholy. As I was the person + most concerned for his sufferings, I imagined I should also be the friend, + the sight of whom would give him consolation; on which account, + notwithstanding very pressing occupations, I went every two days at + farthest, either alone, or accompanied by his wife, to pass the afternoon + with him. + </p> + <p> + The heat of the summer was this year (1749) excessive. Vincennes is two + leagues from Paris. The state of my finances not permitting me to pay for + hackney coaches, at two o’clock in the afternoon, I went on foot, when + alone, and walked as fast as possible, that I might arrive the sooner. The + trees by the side of the road, always lopped, according to the custom of + the country, afforded but little shade, and exhausted by fatigue, I + frequently threw myself on the ground, being unable to proceed any + further. I thought a book in my hand might make me moderate my pace. One + day I took the Mercure de France, and as I walked and read, I came to the + following question proposed by the academy of Dijon, for the premium of + the ensuing year, ‘Has the progress of sciences and arts contributed to + corrupt or purify morals?’ + </p> + <p> + The moment I had read this, I seemed to behold another world, and became a + different man. Although I have a lively remembrance of the impression it + made upon me, the detail has escaped my mind, since I communicated it to + M. de Malesherbes in one of my four letters to him. This is one of the + singularities of my memory which merits to be remarked. It serves me in + proportion to my dependence upon it; the moment I have committed to paper + that with which it was charged, it forsakes me, and I have no sooner + written a thing than I had forgotten it entirely. This singularity is the + same with respect to music. Before I learned the use of notes I knew a + great number of songs; the moment I had made a sufficient progress to sing + an air set to music, I could not recollect any one of them; and, at + present, I much doubt whether I should be able entirely to go through one + of those of which I was the most fond. All I distinctly recollect upon + this occasion is, that on my arrival at Vincennes, I was in an agitation + which approached a delirium. Diderot perceived it; I told him the cause, + and read to him the prosopopoeia of Fabricius, written with a pencil under + a tree. He encouraged me to pursue my ideas, and to become a competitor + for the premium. I did so, and from that moment I was ruined. + </p> + <p> + All the rest of my misfortunes during my life were the inevitable effect + of this moment of error. + </p> + <p> + My sentiments became elevated with the most inconceivable rapidity to the + level of my ideas. All my little passions were stifled by the enthusiasm + of truth, liberty, and virtue; and, what is most astonishing, this + effervescence continued in my mind upwards of five years, to as great a + degree perhaps as it has ever done in that of any other man. I composed + the discourse in a very singular manner, and in that style which I have + always followed in my other works. I dedicated to it the hours of the + night in which sleep deserted me, I meditated in my bed with my eyes + closed, and in my mind turned over and over again my periods with + incredible labor and care; the moment they were finished to my + satisfaction, I deposited them in my memory, until I had an opportunity of + committing them to paper; but the time of rising and putting on my clothes + made me lose everything, and when I took up my pen I recollected but + little of what I had composed. I made Madam le Vasseur my secretary; I had + lodged her with her daughter, and husband, nearer to myself; and she, to + save me the expense of a servant, came every morning to make my fire, and + to do such other little things as were necessary. As soon as she arrived I + dictated to her while in bed what I had composed in the night, and this + method, which for a long time I observed, preserved me many things I + should otherwise have forgotten. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the discourse was finished, I showed it to Diderot. He was + satisfied with the production, and pointed out some corrections he thought + necessary to be made. + </p> + <p> + However, this composition, full of force and fire, absolutely wants logic + and order; of all the works I ever wrote, this is the weakest in + reasoning, and the most devoid of number and harmony. With whatever talent + a man may be born, the art of writing is not easily learned. + </p> + <p> + I sent off this piece without mentioning it to anybody, except, I think, + to Grimm, with whom, after his going to live with the Comte de Vriese, I + began to be upon the most intimate footing. His harpsichord served as a + rendezvous, and I passed with him at it all the moments I had to spare, in + singing Italian airs, and barcaroles; sometimes without intermission, from + morning till night, or rather from night until morning; and when I was not + to be found at Madam Dupin’s, everybody concluded I was with Grimm at his + apartment, the public walk, or theatre. I left off going to the Comedie + Italienne, of which I was free, to go with him, and pay, to the Comedie + Francoise, of which he was passionately fond. In short, so powerful an + attraction connected me with this young man, and I became so inseparable + from him, that the poor aunt herself was rather neglected, that is, I saw + her less frequently; for in no moment of my life has my attachment to her + been diminished. + </p> + <p> + This impossibility of dividing, in favor of my inclinations, the little + time I had to myself, renewed more strongly than ever the desire I had + long entertained of having but one home for Theresa and myself; but the + embarrassment of her numerous family, and especially the want of money to + purchase furniture, had hitherto withheld me from accomplishing it. An + opportunity to endeavor at it presented itself, and of this I took + advantage. M. de Francueil and Madam Dupin, clearly perceiving that eight + or nine hundred livres a year were unequal to my wants, increased, of + their own accord, my salary to fifty guineas; and Madam Dupin, having + heard I wished to furnish myself lodgings, assisted me with some articles + for that purpose. With this furniture and that Theresa already had, we + made one common stock, and, having an apartment in the Hotel de Languedoc, + Rue de Grenelle-Saint-Honore, kept by very honest people, we arranged + ourselves in the best manner we could, and lived there peaceably and + agreeably during seven years, at the end of which I removed to go and live + at the Hermitage. + </p> + <p> + Theresa’s father was a good old man, very mild in his disposition, and + much afraid of his wife; for this reason he had given her the surname of + Lieutenant Criminal, which Grimm, jocosely, afterwards transferred to the + daughter. Madam le Vasseur did not want sense, that is address; and + pretended to the politeness and airs of the first circles; but she had a + mysterious wheedling, which to me was insupportable, gave bad advice to + her daughter, endeavored to make her dissemble with me, and separately, + cajoled my friends at my expense, and that of each other; excepting these + circumstances, she was a tolerably good mother, because she found her + account in being so, and concealed the faults of her daughter to turn them + to her own advantage. This woman, who had so much of my care and + attention, to whom I made so many little presents, and by whom I had it + extremely at heart to make myself beloved, was, from the impossibility of + my succeeding in this wish, the only cause of the uneasiness I suffered in + my little establishment. Except the effects of this cause I enjoyed, + during these six or seven years, the most perfect domestic happiness of + which human weakness is capable. The heart of my Theresa was that of an + angel; our attachment increased with our intimacy, and we were more and + more daily convinced how much we were made for each other. Could our + pleasures be described, their simplicity would cause laughter. Our walks, + tete-a-tete, on the outside of the city, where I magnificently spent eight + or ten sous in each guinguette.—[Ale-house]—Our little suppers + at my window, seated opposite to each other upon two little chairs, placed + upon a trunk, which filled up the spare of the embrasure. In this + situation the window served us as a table, we respired the fresh air, + enjoyed the prospect of the environs and the people who passed; and, + although upon the fourth story, looked down into the street as we ate. + </p> + <p> + Who can describe, and how few can feel, the charms of these repasts, + consisting of a quartern loaf, a few cherries, a morsel of cheese, and + half-a-pint of wine which we drank between us? Friendship, confidence, + intimacy, sweetness of disposition, how delicious are your reasonings! We + sometimes remained in this situation until midnight, and never thought of + the hour, unless informed of it by the old lady. But let us quit these + details, which are either insipid or laughable; I have always said and + felt that real enjoyment was not to be described. + </p> + <p> + Much about the same time I indulged in one not so delicate, and the last + of the kind with which I have to reproach myself. I have observed that the + minister Klupssel was an amiable man; my connections with him were almost + as intimate as those I had with Grimm, and in the end became as familiar; + Grimm and he sometimes ate at my apartment. These repasts, a little more + than simple, were enlivened by the witty and extravagant wantonness of + expression of Klupssel, and the diverting Germanicisms of Grimm, who was + not yet become a purist. + </p> + <p> + Sensuality did not preside at our little orgies, but joy, which was + preferable, reigned in them all, and we enjoyed ourselves so well together + that we knew not how to separate. Klupssel had furnished a lodging for a + little girl, who, notwithstanding this, was at the service of anybody, + because he could not support her entirely himself. One evening as we were + going into the coffee-house, we met him coming out to go and sup with her. + We rallied him; he revenged himself gallantly, by inviting us to the same + supper, and there rallying us in our turn. The poor young creature + appeared to be of a good disposition, mild and little fitted to the way of + life to which an old hag she had with her, prepared her in the best manner + she could. Wine and conversation enlivened us to such a degree that we + forgot ourselves. The amiable Klupssel was unwilling to do the honors of + his table by halves, and we all three successively took a view of the next + chamber, in company with his little friend, who knew not whether she + should laugh or cry. Grimm has always maintained that he never touched + her; it was therefore to amuse himself with our impatience, that he + remained so long in the other chamber, and if he abstained, there is not + much probability of his having done so from scruple, because previous to + his going to live with the Comte de Friese, he lodged with girls of the + town in the same quarter of St. Roch. + </p> + <p> + I left the Rue des Moineaux, where this girl lodged, as much ashamed as + Saint Preux left the house in which he had become intoxicated, and when I + wrote his story I well remembered my own. Theresa perceived by some sign, + and especially by my confusion, I had something with which I reproached + myself; I relieved my mind by my free and immediate confession. I did + well, for the next day Grimm came in triumph to relate to her my crime + with aggravation, and since that time he has never failed maliciously to + recall it to her recollection; in this he was the more culpable, since I + had freely and voluntarily given him my confidence, and had a right to + expect he would not make me repent of it. I never had a more convincing + proof than on this occasion, of the goodness of my Theresa’s heart; she + was more shocked at the behavior of Grimm than at my infidelity, and I + received nothing from her but tender reproaches, in which there was not + the least appearance of anger. + </p> + <p> + The simplicity of mind of this excellent girl was equal to her goodness of + heart; and this is saying everything: but one instance of it, which is + present to my recollection, is worthy of being related. I had told her + Klupssel was a minister, and chaplain to the prince of Saxe-Gotha. A + minister was to her so singular a man, that oddly confounding the most + dissimilar ideas, she took it into her head to take Klupssel for the pope; + I thought her mad the first time she told me when I came in, that the pope + had called to see me. I made her explain herself and lost not a moment in + going to relate the story to Grimm and Klupssel, who amongst ourselves + never lost the name of pope. We gave to the girl in the Rue des Moineaux + the name of Pope Joan. Our laughter was incessant; it almost stifled us. + They, who in a letter which it hath pleased them to attribute to me, have + made me say I never laughed but twice in my life, did not know me at this + period, nor in my younger days; for if they had, the idea could never have + entered into their heads. + </p> + <p> + The year following (1750), not thinking more of my discourse; I learned it + had gained the premium at Dijon. This news awakened all the ideas which + had dictated it to me, gave them new animation, and completed the + fermentation of my heart of that first leaven of heroism and virtue which + my father, my country, and Plutarch had inspired in my infancy. Nothing + now appeared great in my eyes but to be free and virtuous, superior to + fortune and opinion, and independent of all exterior circumstances; + although a false shame, and the fear of disapprobation at first prevented + me from conducting myself according to these principles, and from suddenly + quarreling with the maxims of the age in which I lived, I from that moment + took a decided resolution to do it.—[And of this I purposely delayed + the execution, that irritated by contradiction, it might be rendered + triumphant.] + </p> + <p> + While I was philosophizing upon the duties of man, an event happened which + made me better reflect upon my own. Theresa became pregnant for the third + time. Too sincere with myself, too haughty in my mind to contradict my + principles by my actions, I began to examine the destination of my + children, and my connections with the mother, according to the laws of + nature, justice, and reason, and those of that religion, pure, holy, and + eternal, like its author, which men have polluted while they pretended to + purify it, and which by their formularies they have reduced to a religion + of words, since the difficulty of prescribing impossibilities is but + trifling to those by whom they are not practised. + </p> + <p> + If I deceived myself in my conclusions, nothing can be more astonishing + than the security with which I depended upon them. Were I one of those men + unfortunately born deaf to the voice of nature, in whom no sentiment of + justice or humanity ever took the least root, this obduracy would be + natural. But that warmth of heart, strong sensibility, and facility of + forming attachments; the force with which they subdue me; my cruel + sufferings when obliged to break them; the innate benevolence I cherished + towards my fellow-creatures; the ardent love I bear to great virtues, to + truth and justice, the horror in which I hold evil of every kind; the + impossibility of hating, of injuring or wishing to injure anyone; the soft + and lively emotion I feel at the sight of whatever is virtuous, generous + and amiable; can these meet in the same mind with the depravity which + without scruple treads under foot the most pleasing of all our duties? No, + I feel, and openly declare this to be impossible. Never in his whole life + could J. J. be a man without sentiment or an unnatural father. I may have + been deceived, but it is impossible I should have lost the least of my + feelings. Were I to give my reasons, I should say too much; since they + have seduced me, they would seduce many others. I will not therefore + expose those young persons by whom I may be read to the same danger. I + will satisfy myself by observing that my error was such, that in + abandoning my children to public education for want of the means of + bringing them up myself; in destining them to become workmen and peasants, + rather than adventurers and fortune-hunters, I thought I acted like an + honest citizen, and a good father, and considered myself as a member of + the republic of Plato. Since that time the regrets of my heart have more + than once told me I was deceived; but my reason was so far from giving me + the same intimation, that I have frequently returned thanks to Heaven for + having by this means preserved them from the fate of their father, and + that by which they were threatened the moment I should have been under the + necessity of leaving them. Had I left them to Madam d’Upinay, or Madam de + Luxembourg, who, from friendship, generosity, or some other motive, + offered to take care of them in due time, would they have been more happy, + better brought up, or honester men? To this I cannot answer; but I am + certain they would have been taught to hate and perhaps betray their + parents: it is much better that they have never known them. + </p> + <p> + My third child was therefore carried to the foundling hospital as well as + the two former, and the next two were disposed of in the same manner; for + I have had five children in all. This arrangement seemed to me to be so + good, reasonable and lawful, that if I did not publicly boast of it, the + motive by which I was withheld was merely my regard for their mother: but + I mentioned it to all those to whom I had declared our connection, to + Diderot, to Grimm, afterwards to M. d’Epinay, and after another interval + to Madam de Luxembourg; and this freely and voluntarily, without being + under the least necessity of doing it, having it in my power to conceal + the step from all the world; for La Gouin was an honest woman, very + discreet, and a person on whom I had the greatest reliance. The only one + of my friends to whom it was in some measure my interest to open myself, + was Thierry the physician, who had the care of my poor aunt in one of her + lyings in, in which she was very ill. In a word, there was no mystery in + my conduct, not only on account of my never having concealed anything from + my friends, but because I never found any harm in it. Everything + considered, I chose the best destination for my children, or that which I + thought to be such. I could have wished, and still should be glad, had I + been brought up as they have been. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I was thus communicating what I had done, Madam le Vasseur did the + same thing amongst her acquaintance, but with less disinterested views. I + introduced her and her daughter to Madam Dupin, who, from friendship to + me, showed them the greatest kindness. The mother confided to her the + secret of the daughter. Madam Dupin, who is generous and kind, and to whom + she never told how attentive I was to her, notwithstanding my moderate + resources, in providing for everything, provided on her part for what was + necessary, with a liberality which, by order of her mother, the daughter + concealed from me during my residence in Paris, nor ever mentioned it + until we were at the Hermitage, when she informed me of it, after having + disclosed to me several other secrets of her heart. I did not know Madam + Dupin, who never took the least notice to me of the matter, was so well + informed: I know not yet whether Madam de Chenonceaux, her + daughter-in-law, was as much in the secret: but Madam de Brancueil knew + the whole and could not refrain from prattling. She spoke of it to me the + following year, after I had left her house. This induced me to write her a + letter upon the subject, which will be found in my collections, and + wherein I gave such of my reasons as I could make public, without exposing + Madam le Vasseur and her family; the most determinative of them came from + that quarter, and these I kept profoundly secret. + </p> + <p> + I can rely upon the discretion of Madam Dupin, and the friendship of Madam + de Chenonceaux; I had the same dependence upon that of Madam de Francueil, + who, however, was long dead before my secret made its way into the world. + This it could never have done except by means of the persons to whom I + intrusted it, nor did it until after my rupture with them. By this single + fact they are judged; without exculpating myself from the blame I deserve, + I prefer it to that resulting from their malignity. My fault is great, but + it was an error. I have neglected my duty, but the desire of doing an + injury never entered my heart; and the feelings of a father were never + more eloquent in favor of children whom he never saw. But: betraying the + confidence of friendship, violating the most sacred of all engagements, + publishing secrets confided to us, and wantonly dishonoring the friend we + have deceived, and who in detaching himself from our society still + respects us, are not faults, but baseness of mind, and the last degree of + heinousness. + </p> + <p> + I have promised my confession and not my justification; on which account I + shall stop here. It is my duty faithfully to relate the truth, that of the + reader to be just; more than this I never shall require of him. + </p> + <p> + The marriage of M. de Chenonceaux rendered his mother’s house still more + agreeable to me, by the wit and merit of the new bride, a very amiable + young person, who seemed to distinguish me amongst the scribes of M. + Dupin. She was the only daughter of the Viscountess de Rochechouart, a + great friend of the Comte de Friese, and consequently of Grimm’s, who was + very attentive to her. However, it was I who introduced him to her + daughter; but their characters not suiting each other, this connection was + not of long duration; and Grimm, who from that time aimed at what was + solid, preferred the mother, a woman of the world, to the daughter who + wished for steady friends, such as were agreeable to her, without + troubling her head about the least intrigue, or making any interest + amongst the great. Madam Dupin no longer finding in Madam de Chenonceaux + all the docility she expected, made her house very disagreeable to her, + and Madam de Chenonceaux, having a great opinion of her own merit, and, + perhaps, of her birth, chose rather to give up the pleasures of society, + and remain almost alone in her apartment, than to submit to a yoke she was + not disposed to bear. This species of exile increased my attachment to + her, by that natural inclination which excites me to approach the + wretched, I found her mind metaphysical and reflective, although at times + a little sophistical; her conversation, which was by no means that of a + young woman coming from a convent, had for me the greatest attractions; + yet she was not twenty years of age. Her complexion was seducingly fair; + her figure would have been majestic had she held herself more upright. Her + hair, which was fair, bordering upon ash color, and uncommonly beautiful, + called to my recollection that of my poor mamma in the flower of her age, + and strongly agitated my heart. But the severe principles I had just laid + down for myself, by which at all events I was determined to be guided, + secured me from the danger of her and her charms. During the whole summer + I passed three or four hours a day in a tete-a-tete conversation with her, + teaching her arithmetic, and fatiguing her with my innumerable ciphers, + without uttering a single word of gallantry, or even once glancing my eyes + upon her. Five or six years later I should not have had so much wisdom or + folly; but it was decreed I was never to love but once in my life, and + that another person was to have the first and last sighs of my heart. + </p> + <p> + Since I had lived in the house of Madam Dupin, I had always been satisfied + with my situation, without showing the least sign of a desire to improve + it. The addition which, in conjunction with M. de Francueil, she had made + to my salary, was entirely of their own accord. This year M. de Francueil, + whose friendship for me daily increased, had it in his thoughts to place + me more at ease, and in a less precarious situation. He was + receiver-general of finance. M. Dudoyer, his cash-keeper, was old and + rich, and wished to retire. M. de Francueil offered me his place, and to + prepare myself for it, I went during a few weeks, to Dudoyer, to take the + necessary instructions. But whether my talents were ill-suited to the + employment, or that M. Dudoyer, who I thought wished to procure his place + for another, was not in earnest in the instructions he gave me, I acquired + by slow degrees, and very imperfectly, the knowledge I was in want of, and + could never understand the nature of accounts, rendered intricate, perhaps + designedly. However, without having possessed myself of the whole scope of + the business, I learned enough of the method to pursue it without the + least difficulty; I even entered on my new office; I kept the cashbook and + the cash; I paid and received money, took and gave receipts; and although + this business was so ill suited to my inclinations as to my abilities, + maturity of years beginning to render me sedate, I was determined to + conquer my disgust, and entirely devote myself to my new employment. + </p> + <p> + Unfortunately for me, I had no sooner begun to proceed without difficulty, + than M. de Francueil took a little journey, during which I remained + intrusted with the cash, which, at that time, did not amount to more than + twenty-five to thirty thousand livres. The anxiety of mind this sum of + money occasioned me, made me perceive I was very unfit to be a + cash-keeper, and I have no doubt but my uneasy situation, during his + absence, contributed to the illness with which I was seized after his + return. + </p> + <p> + I have observed in my first part that I was born in a dying state. A + defect in the bladder caused me, during my early years, to suffer an + almost continual retention of urine, and my Aunt Susan, to whose care I + was intrusted, had inconceivable difficulty in preserving me. However, she + succeeded, and my robust constitution at length got the better of all my + weakness, and my health became so well established that except the illness + from languor, of which I have given an account, and frequent heats in the + bladder which the least heating of the blood rendered troublesome, I + arrived at the age of thirty almost without feeling my original infirmity. + The first time this happened was upon my arrival at Venice. The fatigue of + the voyage, and the extreme heat I had suffered, renewed the burnings, and + gave me a pain in the loins, which continued until the beginning of + winter. After having seen padoana, I thought myself near the end of my + career, but I suffered not the least inconvenience. After exhausting my + imagination more than my body for my Zulietta, I enjoyed better health + than ever. It was not until after the imprisonment of Diderot that the + heat of blood, brought on by my journeys to Vincennes during the terrible + heat of that summer, gave me a violent nephritic colic, since which I have + never recovered my primitive good state of health. + </p> + <p> + At the time of which I speak, having perhaps fatigued myself too much in + the filthy work of the cursed receiver-general’s office, I fell into a + worse state than ever, and remained five or six weeks in my bed in the + most melancholy state imaginable. Madam Dupin sent me the celebrated + Morand who, notwithstanding his address and the delicacy of his touch, + made me suffer the greatest torments. He advised me to have recourse to + Daran, who, in fact gave me some relief: but Morand, when he gave Madam + Dupin an account of the state I was in, declared to her I should not be + alive in six months. This afterwards came to my ear, and made me reflect + seriously on my situation and the folly of sacrificing the repose of the + few days I had to live to the slavery of an employment for which I felt + nothing but disgust. Besides, how was it possible to reconcile the severe + principles I had just adopted to a situation with which they had so little + relation? Should not I, the cash-keeper of a receiver-general of finances, + have preached poverty and disinterestedness with a very ill grace? These + ideas fermented so powerfully in my mind with the fever, and were so + strongly impressed, that from that time nothing could remove them; and, + during my convalescence, I confirmed myself with the greatest coolness in + the resolutions I had taken during my delirium. I forever abandoned all + projects of fortune and advancement, resolved to pass in independence and + poverty the little time I had to exist. I made every effort of which my + mind was capable to break the fetters of prejudice, and courageously to do + everything that was right without giving myself the least concern about + the judgment of others. The obstacles I had to combat, and the efforts I + made to triumph over them, are inconceivable. I succeeded as much as it + was possible I should, and to a greater degree than I myself had hoped + for. Had I at the same time shaken off the yoke of friendship as well as + that of prejudice, my design would have been accomplished, perhaps the + greatest, at least the most useful one to virtue, that mortal ever + conceived; but whilst I despised the foolish judgments of the vulgar tribe + called great and wise, I suffered myself to be influenced and led by + persons who called themselves my friends. These, hurt at seeing me walk + alone in a new path, while I seemed to take measures for my happiness, + used all their endeavors to render me ridiculous, and that they might + afterwards defame me, first strove to make me contemptible. It was less my + literary fame than my personal reformation, of which I here state the + period, that drew upon me their jealousy; they perhaps might have pardoned + me for having distinguished myself in the art of writing; but they could + never forgive my setting them, by my conduct, an example, which, in their + eyes, seemed to reflect on themselves. I was born for friendship; my mind + and easy disposition nourished it without difficulty. As long as I lived + unknown to the public I was beloved by all my private acquaintance, and I + had not a single enemy. But the moment I acquired literary fame, I had no + longer a friend. This, was a great misfortune; but a still greater was + that of being surrounded by people who called themselves my friends, and + used the rights attached to that sacred name to lead me on to destruction. + The succeeding part of these memoirs will explain this odious conspiracy. + I here speak of its origin, and the manner of the first intrigue will + shortly appear. + </p> + <p> + In the independence in which I lived, it was, however, necessary to + subsist. To this effect I thought of very simple means: which were copying + music at so much a page. If any employment more solid would have fulfilled + the same end I would have taken it up; but this occupation being to my + taste, and the only one which, without personal attendance, could procure + me daily bread, I adopted it. Thinking I had no longer need of foresight, + and, stifling the vanity of cash-keeper to a financier, I made myself a + copyist of music. I thought I had made an advantageous choice, and of this + I so little repented, that I never quitted my new profession until I was + forced to do it, after taking a fixed resolution to return to it as soon + as possible. + </p> + <p> + The success of my first discourse rendered the execution of this + resolution more easy. As soon as it had gained the premium, Diderot + undertook to get it printed. Whilst I was in my bed, he wrote me a note + informing me of the publication and effect: “It takes,” said he, “beyond + all imagination; never was there an instance of a like success.” + </p> + <p> + This favor of the public, by no means solicited, and to an unknown author, + gave me the first real assurance of my talents, of which, notwithstanding + an internal sentiment, I had always had my doubts. I conceived the great + advantage to be drawn from it in favor of the way of life I had determined + to pursue; and was of opinion, that a copyist of some celebrity in the + republic of letters was not likely to want employment. + </p> + <p> + The moment my resolution was confirmed, I wrote a note to M. de Francueil, + communicating to him my intentions, thanking him and Madam Dupin for all + goodness, and offering them my services in the way of my new profession. + Francueil did not understand my note, and, thinking I was still in the + delirium of fever, hastened to my apartment; but he found me so + determined, that all he could say to me was without the least effect. He + went to Madam Dupin, and told her and everybody he met, that I had become + insane. I let him say what he pleased, and pursued the plan I had + conceived. I began the change in my dress; I quitted laced clothes and + white stockings; I put on a round wig, laid aside my sword, and sold my + watch; saying to myself, with inexpressible pleasure: “Thank Heaven! I + shall no longer want to know the hour!” M. de Francueil had the goodness + to wait a considerable time before he disposed of my place. At length + perceiving me inflexibly resolved, he gave it to M. d’Alibard, formerly + tutor to the young Chenonceaux, and known as a botanist by his Flora + Parisiensis. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [I doubt not but these circumstances are now differently related by + M. Francueil and his consorts: but I appeal to what he said of them + at the time and long afterwards, to everybody he knew, until the + forming of the conspiracy, and of which men of common sense and + honor, must have preserved a remembrance.] +</pre> + <p> + However austere my sumptuary reform might be, I did not at first extend it + to my linen, which was fine and in great quantity, the remainder of my + stock when at Venice, and to which I was particularly attached. I had made + it so much an object of cleanliness, that it became one of luxury, which + was rather expensive. Some persons, however, did me the favor to deliver + me from this servitude. On Christmas Eve, whilst the governesses were at + vespers, and I was at the spiritual concert, the door of a garret, in + which all our linen was hung up after being washed, was broken open. + Everything was stolen; and amongst other things, forty-two of my shirts, + of very fine linen, and which were the principal part of my stock. By the + manner in which the neighbors described a man whom they had seen come out + of the hotel with several parcels whilst we were all absent, Theresa and + myself suspected her brother, whom we knew to be a worthless man. The + mother strongly endeavored to remove this suspicion, but so many + circumstances concurred to prove it to be well founded, that, + notwithstanding all she could say, our opinions remained still the same: I + dared not make a strict search for fear of finding more than I wished to + do. The brother never returned to the place where I lived, and, at length, + was no more heard of by any of us. I was much grieved Theresa and myself + should be connected with such a family, and I exhorted her more than ever + to shake off so dangerous a yoke. This adventure cured me of my + inclination for fine linen, and since that time all I have had has been + very common, and more suitable to the rest of my dress. + </p> + <p> + Having thus completed the change of that which related to my person, all + my cares tendered to render it solid and lasting, by striving to root out + from my heart everything susceptible of receiving an impression from the + judgment of men, or which, from the fear of blame, might turn me aside + from anything good and reasonable in itself. In consequence of the success + of my work, my resolution made some noise in the world also, and procured + me employment; so that I began my new profession with great appearance of + success. However, several causes prevented me from succeeding in it to the + same degree I should under any other circumstances have done. In the first + place my ill state of health. The attack I had just had, brought on + consequences which prevented my ever being so well as I was before; and I + am of opinion, the physicians, to whose care I intrusted myself, did me as + much harm as my illness. I was successively under the hands of Morand, + Daran, Helvetius, Malouin, and Thyerri: men able in their profession, and + all of them my friends, who treated me each according to his own manner, + without giving me the least relief, and weakened me considerably. The more + I submitted to their direction, the yellower, thinner, and weaker I + became. My imagination, which they terrified, judging of my situation by + the effect of their drugs, presented to me, on this side of the tomb, + nothing but continued sufferings from the gravel, stone, and retention of + urine. Everything which gave relief to others, ptisans, baths, and + bleeding, increased my tortures. Perceiving the bougees of Daran, the only + ones that had any favorable effect, and without which I thought I could no + longer exist, to give me a momentary relief, I procured a prodigious + number of them, that, in case of Daran’s death, I might never be at a + loss. During the eight or ten years in which I made such frequent use of + these, they must, with what I had left, have cost me fifty louis. + </p> + <p> + It will easily be judged, that such expensive and painful means did not + permit me to work without interruption; and that a dying man is not + ardently industrious in the business by which he gains his daily bread. + </p> + <p> + Literary occupations caused another interruption not less prejudicial to + my daily employment. My discourse had no sooner appeared than the + defenders of letters fell upon me as if they had agreed with each to do + it. My indignation was so raised at seeing so many blockheads, who did not + understand the question, attempt to decide upon it imperiously, that in my + answer I gave some of them the worst of it. One M. Gautier, of Nancy, the + first who fell under the lash of my pen, was very roughly treated in a + letter to M. Grimm. The second was King Stanislaus, himself, who did not + disdain to enter the lists with me. The honor he did me, obliged me to + change my manner in combating his opinions; I made use of a graver style, + but not less nervous; and without failing in respect to the author, I + completely refuted his work. I knew a Jesuit, Father de Menou, had been + concerned in it. I depended on my judgment to distinguish what was written + by the prince, from the production of the monk, and falling without mercy + upon all the jesuitical phrases, I remarked, as I went along, an + anachronism which I thought could come from nobody but the priest. This + composition, which, for what reason I knew not, has been less spoken of + than any of my other writings, is the only one of its kind. I seized the + opportunity which offered of showing to the public in what manner an + individual may defend the cause of truth even against a sovereign. It is + difficult to adopt a more dignified and respectful manner than that in + which I answered him. I had the happiness to have to do with an adversary + to whom, without adulation, I could show every mark of the esteem of which + my heart was full; and this I did with success and a proper dignity. My + friends, concerned for my safety, imagined they already saw me in the + Bastile. This apprehension never once entered my head, and I was right in + not being afraid. The good prince, after reading my answer, said: “I have + enough of at; I will not return to the charge.” I have, since that time + received from him different marks of esteem and benevolence, some of which + I shall have occasion to speak of; and what I had written was read in + France, and throughout Europe, without meeting the least censure. + </p> + <p> + In a little time I had another adversary whom I had not expected; this was + the same M. Bordes, of Lyons, who ten years before had shown me much + friendship, and from whom I had received several services. I had not + forgotten him, but had neglected him from idleness, and had not sent him + my writings for want of an opportunity, without seeking for it, to get + them conveyed to his hands. I was therefore in the wrong, and he attacked + me; this, however, he did politely, and I answered in the same manner. He + replied more decidedly. This produced my last answer; after which I heard + no more from him upon the subject; but he became my most violent enemy, + took the advantage of the time of my misfortunes, to publish against me + the most indecent libels, and made a journey to London on purpose to do me + an injury. + </p> + <p> + All this controversy employed me a good deal, and caused me a great loss + of my time in my copying, without much contributing to the progress of + truth, or the good of my purse. Pissot, at that time my bookseller, gave + me but little for my pamphlets, frequently nothing at all, and I never + received a farthing for my first discourse. Diderot gave it him. I was + obliged to wait a long time for the little he gave me, and to take it from + him in the most trifling sums. Notwithstanding this, my copying went on + but slowly. I had two things together upon my hands, which was the most + likely means of doing them both ill. + </p> + <p> + They were very opposite to each other in their effects by the different + manners of living to which they rendered me subject. The success of my + first writings had given me celebrity. My new situation excited curiosity. + Everybody wished to know that whimsical man who sought not the + acquaintance of any one, and whose only desire was to live free and happy + in the manner he had chosen; this was sufficient to make the thing + impossible to me. My apartment was continually full of people, who, under + different pretences, came to take up my time. The women employed a + thousand artifices to engage me to dinner. The more unpolite I was with + people, the more obstinate they became. I could not refuse everybody. + While I made myself a thousand enemies by my refusals, I was incessantly a + slave to my complaisance, and, in whatever manner I made my engagements, I + had not an hour in a day to myself. + </p> + <p> + I then perceived it was not so easy to be poor and independent, as I had + imagined. I wished to live by my profession: the public would not suffer + me to do it. A thousand means were thought of to indemnify me for the time + I lost. The next thing would have been showing myself like Punch, at so + much each person. I knew no dependence more cruel and degrading than this. + I saw no other method of putting an end to it than refusing all kinds of + presents, great and small, let them come from whom they would. This had no + other effect than to increase the number of givers, who wished to have the + honor of overcoming my resistance, and to force me, in spite of myself, to + be under an obligation to them. + </p> + <p> + Many, who would not have given me half-a-crown had I asked it from them, + incessantly importuned me with their offers, and, in revenge for my + refusal, taxed me with arrogance and ostentation. + </p> + <p> + It will naturally be conceived that the resolutions I had taken, and the + system I wished to follow, were not agreeable to Madam le Vasseur. All the + disinterestedness of the daughter did not prevent her from following the + directions of her mother; and the governesses, as Gauffecourt called them, + were not always so steady in their refusals as I was. Although many things + were concealed from me, I perceived so many as were necessary to enable me + to judge that I did not see all, and this tormented me less by the + accusation of connivance, which it was so easy for me to foresee, than by + the cruel idea of never being master in my own apartments, nor even of my + own person. I prayed, conjured, and became angry, all to no purpose; the + mother made me pass for an eternal grumbler, and a man who was peevish and + ungovernable. She held perpetual whisperings with my friends; everything + in my little family was mysterious and a secret to me; and, that I might + not incessantly expose myself to noisy quarrelling, I no longer dared to + take notice of what passed in it. A firmness of which I was not capable, + would have been necessary to withdraw me from this domestic strife. I knew + how to complain, but not how to act: they suffered me to say what I + pleased, and continued to act as they thought proper. + </p> + <p> + This constant teasing, and the daily importunities to which I was subject, + rendered the house, and my residence at Paris, disagreeable to me. When my + indisposition permitted me to go out, and I did not suffer myself to be + led by my acquaintance first to one place and then to another, I took a + walk, alone, and reflected on my grand system, something of which I + committed to paper, bound up between two covers, which, with a pencil, I + always had in my pocket. In this manner, the unforeseen disagreeableness + of a situation I had chosen entirely led me back to literature, to which + unsuspectedly I had recourse as a means of releaving my mind, and thus, in + the first works I wrote, I introduced the peevishness and ill-humor which + were the cause of my undertaking them. There was another circumstance + which contributed not a little to this; thrown into the world despite of + myself, without having the manners of it, or being in a situation to adopt + and conform myself to them, I took it into my head to adopt others of my + own, to enable me to dispense with those of society. My foolish timidity, + which I could not conquer, having for principle the fear of being wanting + in the common forms, I took, by way of encouraging myself, a resolution to + tread them under foot. I became sour and cynic from shame, and affected to + despise the politeness which I knew not how to practice. This austerity, + conformable to my new principles, I must confess, seemed to ennoble itself + in my mind; it assumed in my eyes the form of the intrepidity of virtue, + and I dare assert it to be upon this noble basis, that it supported itself + longer and better than could have been expected from anything so contrary + to my nature. Yet, not withstanding, I had the name of a misanthrope, + which my exterior appearance and some happy expressions had given me in + the world: it is certain I did not support the character well in private, + that my friends and acquaintance led this untractable bear about like a + lamb, and that, confining my sarcasms to severe but general truths, I was + never capable of saying an uncivil thing to any person whatsoever. + </p> + <p> + The ‘Devin du Village’ brought me completely into vogue, and presently + after there was not a man in Paris whose company was more sought after + than mine. The history of this piece, which is a kind of era in my life, + is joined with that of the connections I had at that time. I must enter a + little into particulars to make what is to follow the better understood. + </p> + <p> + I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends: Diderot and + Grimm. By an effect of the desire I have ever felt to unite everything + that is dear to me, I was too much a friend to both not to make them + shortly become so to each other. I connected them: they agreed well + together, and shortly become more intimate with each other than with me. + Diderot had a numerous acquaintance, but Grimm, a stranger and a + new-comer, had his to procure, and with the greatest pleasure I procured + him all I could. I had already given him Diderot. I afterwards brought him + acquainted with Gauffecourt. I introduced him to Madam Chenonceaux, Madam + D’Epinay, and the Baron d’Holbach; with whom I had become connected almost + in spite of myself. All my friends became his: this was natural: but not + one of his ever became mine; which was inclining to the contrary. Whilst + he yet lodged at the house of the Comte de Friese, he frequently gave us + dinners in his apartment, but I never received the least mark of + friendship from the Comte de Friese, Comte de Schomberg, his relation, + very familiar with Grimm, nor from any other person, man or woman, with + whom Grimm, by their means, had any connection. I except the Abbe Raynal, + who, although his friend, gave proofs of his being mine; and in cases of + need, offered me his purse with a generosity not very common. But I knew + the Abbe Raynal long before Grimm had any acquaintance with him, and had + entertained a great regard for him on account of his delicate and + honorable behavior to me upon a slight occasion, which I shall never + forget. + </p> + <p> + The Abbe Raynal is certainly a warm friend; of this I saw a proof, much + about the time of which I speak, with respect to Grimm himself, with whom + he was very intimate. Grimm, after having been sometime on a footing of + friendship with Mademoiselle Fel, fell violently in love with her, and + wished to supplant Cahusac. The young lady, piquing herself on her + constancy, refused her new admirer. He took this so much to heart, that + the appearance of his affliction became tragical. He suddenly fell into + the strangest state imaginable. He passed days and nights in a continued + lethargy. He lay with his eyes open; and although his pulse continued to + beat regularly, without speaking, eating, or stirring, yet sometimes + seeming to hear what was said to him, but never answering, not even by a + sign, and remaining almost as immovable as if he had been dead, yet + without agitation, pain, or fever. The Abbe Raynal and myself watched over + him; the abbe, more robust, and in better health than I was, by night, and + I by day, without ever both being absent at one time. The Comte de Friese + was alarmed, and brought to him Senac, who, after having examined the + state in which he was, said there was nothing to apprehend, and took his + leave without giving a prescription. My fears for my friend made me + carefully observe the countenance of the physician, and I perceived him + smile as he went away. However, the patient remained several days almost + motionless, without taking anything except a few preserved cherries, which + from time to time I put upon his tongue, and which he swallowed without + difficulty. At length he, one morning, rose, dressed himself, and returned + to his usual way of life, without either at that time or afterwards + speaking to me or the Abbe Raynal, at least that I know of, or to any + other person, of this singular lethargy, or the care we had taken of him + during the time it lasted. + </p> + <p> + The affair made a noise, and it would really have been a wonderful + circumstance had the cruelty of an opera girl made a man die of despair. + This strong passion brought Grimm into vogue; he was soon considered as a + prodigy in love, friendship, and attachments of every kind. Such an + opinion made his company sought after, and procured him a good reception + in the first circles; by which means he separated from me, with whom he + was never inclined to associate when he could do it with anybody else. I + perceived him to be on the point of breaking with me entirely; for the + lively and ardent sentiments, of which he made a parade, were those which + with less noise and pretensions, I had really conceived for him. I was + glad he succeeded in the world; but I did not wish him to do this by + forgetting his friend. I one day said to him: “Grimm, you neglect me, and + I forgive you for it. When the first intoxication of your success is over, + and you begin to perceive a void in your enjoyments, I hope you will + return to your friend, whom you will always find in the same sentiments; + at present do not constrain yourself, I leave you at liberty to act as you + please, and wait your leisure.” He said I was right, made his arrangements + in consequence, and shook off all restraint, so that I saw no more of him + except in company with our common friends. + </p> + <p> + Our chief rendezvous, before he was connected with Madam d’Epinay as he + afterwards became, was at the house of Baron d’Holbach. This said baron + was the son of a man who had raised himself from obscurity. His fortune + was considerable, and he used it nobly, receiving at his house men of + letters and merit: and, by the knowledge he himself had acquired, was very + worthy of holding a place amongst them. Having been long attached to + Diderot, he endeavored to become acquainted with me by his means, even + before my name was known to the world. A natural repugnancy prevented me a + long time from answering his advances. One day, when he asked me the + reason of my unwillingness, I told him he was too rich. He was, however, + resolved to carry his point, and at length succeeded. My greatest + misfortune proceeded from my being unable to resist the force of marked + attention. I have ever had reason to repent of having yielded to it. + </p> + <p> + Another acquaintance which, as soon as I had any pretensions to it, was + converted into friendship, was that of M. Duclos. I had several years + before seen him, for the first time, at the Chevrette, at the house of + Madam d’Epinay, with whom he was upon very good terms. On that day we only + dined together, and he returned to town in the afternoon. But we had a + conversation of a few moments after dinner. Madam d’Epinay had mentioned + me to him, and my opera of the ‘Muses Gallantes’. Duclos, endowed with too + great talents not to be a friend to those in whom the like were found, was + prepossessed in my favor, and invited me to go and see him. + Notwithstanding my former wish, increased by an acquaintance, I was + withheld by my timidity and indolence, as long as I had no other passport + to him than his complaisance. But encouraged by my first success, and by + his eulogiums, which reached my ears, I went to see him; he returned my + visit, and thus began the connection between us, which will ever render + him dear to me. By him, as well as from the testimony of my own heart, I + learned that uprightness and probity may sometimes be connected with the + cultivation of letters. + </p> + <p> + Many other connections less solid, and which I shall not here + particularize, were the effects of my first success, and lasted until + curiosity was satisfied. I was a man so easily known, that on the next day + nothing new was to be discovered in me. However, a woman, who at that time + was desirous of my acquaintance, became much more solidly attached to me + than any of those whose curiosity I had excited: this was the Marchioness + of Crequi, niece to M. le Bailli de Froulay, ambassador from Malta, whose + brother had preceded M. de Montaigu in the embassy to Venice, and whom I + had gone to see on my return from that city. Madam de Crequi wrote to me: + I visited her: she received me into her friendship. I sometimes dined with + her. I met at her table several men of letters, amongst others M. Saurin, + the author of Spartacus, Barnevelt, etc., since become my implacable + enemy; for no other reason, at least that I can imagine, than my bearing + the name of a man whom his father has cruelly persecuted. + </p> + <p> + It will appear that for a copyist, who ought to be employed in his + business from morning till night, I had many interruptions, which rendered + my days not very lucrative, and prevented me from being sufficiently + attentive to what I did to do it well; for which reason, half the time I + had to myself was lost in erasing errors or beginning my sheet anew. This + daily importunity rendered Paris more unsupportable, and made me ardently + wish to be in the country. I several times went to pass a few days at + Mercoussis, the vicar of which was known to Madam le Vasseur, and with + whom we all arranged ourselves in such a manner as not to make things + disagreeable to him. Grimm once went thither with us. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Since I have neglected to relate here a trifling, but memorable + adventure I had with the said Grimm one day, on which we were to + dine at the fountain of St. Vandrille, I will let it pass: but when + I thought of it afterwards, I concluded that he was brooding in his + heart the conspiracy he has, with so much success, since carried + into execution.] +</pre> + <p> + The vicar had a tolerable voice, sung well, and, although he did not read + music, learned his part with great facility and precision. We passed our + time in singing the trios I had composed at Chenonceaux. To these I added + two or three new ones, to the words Grimm and the vicar wrote, well or + ill. I cannot refrain from regretting these trios composed and sung in + moments of pure joy, and which I left at Wootton, with all my music. + Mademoiselle Davenport has perhaps curled her hair with them; but they are + worthy of being preserved, and are, for the most part, of very good + counterpoint. It was after one of these little excursions in which I had + the pleasure of seeing the aunt at her ease and very cheerful, and in + which my spirits were much enlivened, that I wrote to the vicar very + rapidly and very ill, an epistle in verse which will be found amongst my + papers. + </p> + <p> + I had nearer to Paris another station much to my liking with M. Mussard, + my countryman, relation and friend, who at Passy had made himself a + charming retreat, where I have passed some very peaceful moments. M. + Mussard was a jeweller, a man of good sense, who, after having acquired a + genteel fortune, had given his only daughter in marriage to M. de + Valmalette, the son of an exchange broker, and maitre d’hotel to the king, + took the wise resolution to quit business in his declining years, and to + place an interval of repose and enjoyment between the hurry and the end of + life. The good man Mussard, a real philosopher in practice, lived without + care, in a very pleasant house which he himself had built in a very pretty + garden, laid out with his own hands. In digging the terraces of this + garden he found fossil shells, and in such great quantities that his + lively imagination saw nothing but shells in nature. He really thought the + universe was composed of shells and the remains of shells, and that the + whole earth was only the sand of these in different stratae. His attention + thus constantly engaged with his singular discoveries, his imagination + became so heated with the ideas they gave him, that, in his head, they + would soon have been converted into a system, that is into folly, if, + happily for his reason, but unfortunately for his friends, to whom he was + dear, and to whom his house was an agreeable asylum, a most cruel and + extraordinary disease had not put an end to his existence. A constantly + increasing tumor in his stomach prevented him from eating, long before the + cause of it was discovered, and, after several years of suffering, + absolutely occasioned him to die of hunger. I can never, without the + greatest affliction of mind, call to my recollection the last moments of + this worthy man, who still received with so much pleasure Leneips and + myself, the only friends whom the sight of his sufferings did not separate + from him until his last hour, when he was reduced to devouring with his + eyes the repasts he had placed before us, scarcely having the power of + swallowing a few drops of weak tea, which came up again a moment + afterwards. But before these days of sorrow, how many have I passed at his + house, with the chosen friends he had made himself! At the head of the + list I place the Abbe Prevot, a very amiable man, and very sincere, whose + heart vivified his writings, worthy of immortality, and who, neither in + his disposition nor in society, had the least of the melancholy coloring + he gave to his works. Procope, the physician, a little Esop, a favorite + with the ladies; Boulanger, the celebrated posthumous author of + ‘Despotisme Oriental’, and who, I am of opinion, extended the systems of + Mussard on the duration of the world. The female part of his friends + consisted of Madam Denis, niece to Voltaire, who, at that time, was + nothing more than a good kind of woman, and pretended not to wit: Madam + Vanloo, certainly not handsome, but charming, and who sang like an angel: + Madam de Valmalette, herself, who sang also, and who, although very thin, + would have been very amiable had she had fewer pretensions. Such, or very + nearly such, was the society of M. Mussard, with which I should had been + much pleased, had not his conchyliomania more engaged my attention; and I + can say, with great truth, that, for upwards of six months, I worked with + him in his cabinet with as much pleasure as he felt himself. + </p> + <p> + He had long insisted upon the virtue of the waters of Passy, that they + were proper in my case, and recommended me to come to his house to drink + them. To withdraw myself from the tumult of the city, I at length + consented, and went to pass eight or ten days at Passy, which, on account + of my being in the country, were of more service to me than the waters I + drank during my stay there. Mussard played the violincello, and was + passionately found of Italian music. This was the subject of a long + conversation we had one evening after supper, particularly the + ‘opera-buffe’ we had both seen in Italy, and with which we were highly + delighted. My sleep having forsaken me in the night, I considered in what + manner it would be possible to give in France an idea of this kind of + drama. The ‘Amours de Ragonde’ did not in the least resemble it. In the + morning, whilst I took my walk and drank the waters, I hastily threw + together a few couplets to which I adapted such airs as occurred to me at + the moments. I scribbled over what I had composed, in a kind of vaulted + saloon at the end of the garden, and at tea. I could not refrain from + showing the airs to Mussard and to Mademoiselle du Vernois, his + ‘gouvernante’, who was a very good and amiable girl. Three pieces of + composition I had sketched out were the first monologue: ‘J’ai perdu mon + serviteur;’—the air of the Devin; ‘L’amour croit s’il s’inquiete;’ + and the last duo: ‘A jamais, Colin, je t’engage, etc.’ I was so far from + thinking it worth while to continue what I had begun, that, had it not + been for the applause and encouragement I received from both Mussard and + Mademoiselle, I should have thrown my papers into the fire and thought no + more of their contents, as I had frequently done by things of much the + same merit; but I was so animated by the encomiums I received, that in six + days, my drama, excepting a few couplets, was written. The music also was + so far sketched out, that all I had further to do to it after my return + from Paris, was to compose a little of the recitative, and to add the + middle parts, the whole of which I finished with so much rapidity, that in + three weeks my work was ready for representation. The only thing now + wanting, was the divertissement, which was not composed until a long time + afterwards. + </p> + <p> + My imagination was so warmed by the composition of this work that I had + the strongest desire to hear it performed, and would have given anything + to have seen and heard the whole in the manner I should have chosen, which + would have been that of Lully, who is said to have had ‘Armide’ performed + for himself only. As it was not possible I should hear the performance + unaccompanied by the public, I could not see the effect of my piece + without getting it received at the opera. Unfortunately it was quite a new + species of composition, to which the ears of the public were not + accustomed; and besides the ill success of the ‘Muses Gallantes’ gave too + much reason to fear for the Devin, if I presented it in my own name. + Duclos relieved me from this difficulty, and engaged to get the piece + rehearsed without mentioning the author. That I might not discover myself, + I did not go to the rehearsal, and the ‘Petits violons’, by whom it was + directed, knew not who the author was until after a general plaudit had + borne the testimony of the work. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Rebel and Frauneur, who, when they were very young, went together + from house to house playing on the violin, were so called.] +</pre> + <p> + Everybody present was so delighted with it, that, on the next day, nothing + else was spoken of in the different companies. M. de Cury, Intendant des + Menus, who was present at the rehearsal, demanded the piece to have it + performed at court. Duclos, who knew my intentions, and thought I should + be less master of my work at the court than at Paris, refused to give it. + Cury claimed it authoratively. Duclos persisted in his refusal, and the + dispute between them was carried to such a length, that one day they would + have gone out from the opera-house together had they not been separated. + M. de Cury applied to me, and I referred him to Duclos. This made it + necessary to return to the latter. The Duke d’Aumont interfered; and at + length Duclos thought proper to yield to authority, and the piece was + given to be played at Fontainebleau. + </p> + <p> + The part to which I had been most attentive, and in which I had kept at + the greatest distance from the common track, was the recitative. Mine was + accented in a manner entirely new, and accompanied the utterance of the + word. The directors dared not suffer this horrid innovation to pass, lest + it should shock the ears of persons who never judge for themselves. + Another recitative was proposed by Francueil and Jelyotte, to which I + consented; but refused at the same time to have anything to do with it + myself. + </p> + <p> + When everything was ready and the day of performance fixed, a proposition + was made me to go to Fontainebleau, that I might at least be at the last + rehearsal. I went with Mademoiselle Fel, Grimm, and I think the Abbe + Raynal, in one of the stages to the court. The rehearsal was tolerable: I + was more satisfied with it than I expected to have been. The orchestra was + numerous, composed of the orchestras of the opera and the king’s band. + Jelyotte played Colin, Mademoiselle Fel, Colette, Cuvillier the Devin: the + choruses were those of the opera. I said but little; Jelyotte had prepared + everything; I was unwilling either to approve of or censure what he had + done; and notwithstanding I had assumed the air of an old Roman, I was, in + the midst of so many people, as bashful as a schoolboy. + </p> + <p> + The next morning, the day of performance, I went to breakfast at the + coffee-house ‘du grand commun’, where I found a great number of people. + The rehearsal of the preceding evening, and the difficulty of getting into + the theatre, were the subjects of conversation. An officer present said he + entered with the greatest ease, gave a long account of what had passed, + described the author, and related what he had said and done; but what + astonished me most in this long narrative, given with as much assurance as + simplicity, was that it did not contain a syllable of truth. It was clear + to me that he who spoke so positively of the rehearsal had not been at it, + because, without knowing him, he had before his eyes that author whom he + said he had seen and examined so minutely. However, what was more singular + still in this scene, was its effect upon me. The officer was a man rather + in years, he had nothing of the appearance of a coxcomb; his features + appeared to announce a man of merit; and his cross of Saint Louis, an + officer of long standing. He interested me: notwithstanding his impudence. + Whilst he uttered his lies, I blushed, looked down, and was upon thorns; + I, for some time, endeavored within myself to find the means of believing + him to be in an involuntary error. At length, trembling lest some person + should know me, and by this means confound him, I hastily drank my + chocolate, without saying a word, and, holding down my head, I passed + before him, got out of the coffee-house as soon as possible, whilst the + company were making their remarks upon the relation that had been given. I + was no sooner in the street than I was in a perspiration, and had anybody + known and named me before I left the room, I am certain all the shame and + embarrassment of a guilty person would have appeared in my countenance, + proceeding from what I felt the poor man would have had to have suffered + had his lie been discovered. + </p> + <p> + I come to one of the critical moments of my life, in which it is difficult + to do anything more than to relate, because it is almost impossible that + even narrative should not carry with it the marks of censure or apology. I + will, however, endeavor to relate how and upon what motives I acted, with + out adding either approbation or censure. + </p> + <p> + I was on that day in the same careless undress as usual, with a long beard + and wig badly combed. Considering this want of decency as an act of + courage, I entered the theatre wherein the king, queen, the royal family, + and the whole court were to enter immediately after. I was conducted to a + box by M. de Cury, and which belonged to him. It was very spacious, upon + the stage and opposite to a lesser, but more elevated one, in which the + king sat with Madam de Pompadour. + </p> + <p> + As I was surrounded by women, and the only man in front of the box, I had + no doubt of my having been placed there purposely to be exposed to view. + As soon as the theatre was lighted up, finding I was in the midst of + people all extremely well dressed, I began to be less at my ease, and + asked myself if I was in my place? whether or not I was properly dressed? + After a few minutes of inquietude: “Yes,” replied I, with an intrepidity + which perhaps proceeded more from the impossibility of retracting than the + force of all my reasoning, “I am in my place, because I am going to see my + own piece performed, to which I have been invited, for which reason only I + am come here; and after all, no person has a greater right than I have to + reap the fruit of my labor and talents; I am dressed as usual, neither + better nor worse; and if I once begin to subject myself to public opinion, + I shall shortly become a slave to it in everything. To be always + consistent with myself, I ought not to blush, in any place whatever, at + being dressed in a manner suitable to the state I have chosen. My exterior + appearance is simple, but neither dirty nor slovenly; nor is a beard + either of these in itself, because it is given us by nature, and according + to time, place and custom, is sometimes an ornament. People think I am + ridiculous, nay, even absurd; but what signifies this to me? I ought to + know how to bear censure and ridicule, provided I do not deserve them.” + After this little soliloquy I became so firm that, had it been necessary, + I could have been intrepid. But whether it was the effect of the presence + of his majesty, or the natural disposition of those about me, I perceived + nothing but what was civil and obliging in the curiosity of which I was + the object. This so much affected me that I began to be uneasy for myself, + and the fate of my piece; fearing I should efface the favorable prejudices + which seemed to lead to nothing but applause. I was armed against + raillery; but, so far overcome, by the flattering and obliging treatment I + had not expected, that I trembled like a child when the performance was + begun. + </p> + <p> + I had soon sufficient reason to be encouraged. The piece was very ill + played with respect to the actors, but the musical part was well sung and + executed. During the first scene, which was really of a delightful + simplicity, I heard in the boxes a murmur of surprise and applause, which, + relative to pieces of the same kind, had never yet happened. The + fermentation was soon increased to such a degree as to be perceptible + through the whole audience, and of which, to speak—after the manner + of Montesquieu—the effect was augmented by itself. In the scene + between the two good little folks, this effect was complete. There is no + clapping of hands before the king; therefore everything was heard, which + was advantageous to the author and the piece. I heard about me a + whispering of women, who appeared as beautiful as angels. They said to + each other in a low voice: “This is charming: That is ravishing: There is + not a sound which does not go to the heart.” The pleasure of giving this + emotion to so many amiable persons moved me to tears; and these I could + not contain in the first duo, when I remarked that I was not the only + person who wept. I collected myself for a moment, on recollecting the + concert of M. de Treitorens. This reminiscence had the effect of the slave + who held the crown over the head of the general who triumphed, but my + reflection was short, and I soon abandoned myself without interruption to + the pleasure of enjoying my success. However, I am certain the + voluptuousness of the sex was more predominant than the vanity of the + author, and had none but men been present, I certainly should not have had + the incessant desire I felt of catching on my lips the delicious tears I + had caused to flow. I have known pieces excite more lively admiration, but + I never saw so complete, delightful, and affecting an intoxication of the + senses reign, during a whole representation, especially at court, and at a + first performance. They who saw this must recollect it, for it has never + yet been equalled. + </p> + <p> + The same evening the Duke d’ Aumont sent to desire me to be at the palace + the next day at eleven o’clock, when he would present me to the king. M. + de Cury, who delivered me the message, added that he thought a pension was + intended, and that his majesty wished to announce it to me himself. Will + it be believed that the night of so brilliant a day was for me a night of + anguish and perplexity? My first idea, after that of being presented, was + that of my frequently wanting to retire; this had made me suffer very + considerably at the theatre, and might torment me the next day when I + should be in the gallery, or in the king’s apartment, amongst all the + great, waiting for the passing of his majesty. My infirmity was the + principal cause which prevented me from mixing in polite companies, and + enjoying the conversation of the fair. The idea alone of the situation in + which this want might place me, was sufficient to produce it to such a + degree as to make me faint away, or to recur to means to which, in my + opinion, death was much preferable. None but persons who are acquainted + with this situation can judge of the horror which being exposed to the + risk of it inspires. + </p> + <p> + I then supposed myself before the king, presented to his majesty, who + deigned to stop and speak to me. In this situation, justness of expression + and presence of mind were peculiarly necessary in answering. Would my + timidity which disconcerts me in presence of any stranger whatever, have + been shaken off in presence of the King of France; or would it have + suffered me instantly to make choice of proper expressions? I wished, + without laying aside the austere manner I had adopted, to show myself + sensible of the honor done me by so great a monarch, and in a handsome and + merited eulogium to convey some great and useful truth. I could not + prepare a suitable answer without exactly knowing what his majesty was to + say to me; and had this been the case, I was certain that, in his + presence, I should not recollect a word of what I had previously + meditated. “What,” said I, “will become of me in this moment, and before + the whole court, if, in my confusion, any of my stupid expressions should + escape me?” This danger alarmed and terrified me. I trembled to such a + degree that at all events I was determined not to expose myself to it. + </p> + <p> + I lost, it is true, the pension which in some measure was offered me; but + I at the same time exempted myself from the yoke it would have imposed. + Adieu, truth, liberty, and courage! How should I afterwards have dared to + speak of disinterestedness and independence? Had I received the pension I + must either have become a flatterer or remained silent; and, moreover, who + would have insured to me the payment of it! What steps should I have been + under the necessity of taking! How many people must I have solicited! I + should have had more trouble and anxious cares in preserving than in doing + without it. Therefore, I thought I acted according to my principles by + refusing, and sacrificing appearances to reality. I communicated my + resolution to Grimm, who said nothing against it. To others I alleged my + ill state of health, and left the court in the morning. + </p> + <p> + My departure made some noise, and was generally condemned. My reasons + could not be known to everybody, it was therefore easy to accuse me of + foolish pride, and thus not irritate the jealousy of such as felt they + would not have acted as I had done. The next day Jelyotte wrote me a note, + in which he stated the success of my piece, and the pleasure it had + afforded the king. “All day long,” said he, “his majesty sings, with the + worst voice in his kingdom: ‘J’ai perdu mon serviteur: J’ai perdu tout mon + bonheur.’” He likewise added, that in a fortnight the Devin was to be + performed a second time; which confirmed in the eyes of the public the + complete success of the first. + </p> + <p> + Two days afterwards, about nine o’clock in the evening, as I was going to + sup with Madam D’Epinay, I perceived a hackney-coach pass by the door. + Somebody within made a sign to me to approach. I did so, and got into it, + and found the person to be Diderot. He spoke of the pension with more + warmth than, upon such a subject, I should have expected from a + philosopher. He did not blame me for having been unwilling to be presented + to the king, but severely reproached me with my indifference about the + pension. He observed that although on my own account I might be + disinterested, I ought not to be so on that of Madam Vasseur and her + daughter; that it was my duty to seize every means of providing for their + subsistence; and that as, after all, it could not be said I had refused + the pension, he maintained I ought, since the king seemed disposed to + grant it to me, to solicit and obtain it by one means or another. Although + I was obliged to him for his good wishes, I could not relish his maxims, + which produced a warm dispute, the first I ever had with him. All our + disputes were of this kind, he prescribing to me what he pretended I ought + to do, and I defending myself because I was of a different opinion. + </p> + <p> + It was late when we parted. I would have taken him to supper at Madam d’ + Epinay’s, but he refused to go; and, notwithstanding all the efforts which + at different times the desire of uniting those I love induced me to make, + to prevail upon him to see her, even that of conducting her to his door + which he kept shut against us, he constantly refused to do it, and never + spoke of her but with the utmost contempt. It was not until after I had + quarrelled with both that they became acquainted and that he began to + speak honorably of her. + </p> + <p> + From this time Diderot and Grimm seemed to have undertaken to alienate + from me the governesses, by giving them to understand that if they were + not in easy circumstances the fault was my own, and that they never would + be so with me. They endeavored to prevail on them to leave me, promising + them the privilege for retailing salt, a snuff shop, and I know not what + other advantages by means of the influence of Madam d’ Epinay. They + likewise wished to gain over Duclos and d’Holbach, but the former + constantly refused their proposals. I had at the time some intimation of + what was going forward, but I was not fully acquainted with the whole + until long afterwards; and I frequently had reason to lament the effects + of the blind and indiscreet zeal of my friends, who, in my ill state of + health, striving to reduce me to the most melancholy solitude, endeavored, + as they imagined, to render me happy by the means which, of all others, + were the most proper to make me miserable. + </p> + <p> + In the carnival following the conclusion of the year 1753, the Devin was + performed at Paris, and in this interval I had sufficient time to compose + the overture and divertissement. This divertissement, such as it stands + engraved, was to be in action from the beginning to the end, and in a + continued subject, which in my opinion, afforded very agreeable + representations. But when I proposed this idea at the opera-house, nobody + would so much as hearken to me, and I was obliged to tack together music + and dances in the usual manner: on this account the divertissement, + although full of charming ideas which do not diminish the beauty of + scenes, succeeded but very middlingly. I suppressed the recitative of + Jelyotte, and substituted my own, such as I had first composed it, and as + it is now engraved; and this recitative a little after the French manner, + I confess, drawled out, instead of pronounced by the actors, far from + shocking the ears of any person, equally succeeded with the airs, and + seemed in the judgment of the public to possess as much musical merit. I + dedicated my piece to Duclos, who had given it his protection, and + declared it should be my only dedication. I have, however, with his + consent, written a second; but he must have thought himself more honored + by the exception, than if I had not written a dedication to any person. + </p> + <p> + I could relate many anecdotes concerning this piece, but things of greater + importance prevent me from entering into a detail of them at present. I + shall perhaps resume the subject in a supplement. There is however one + which I cannot omit, as it relates to the greater part of what is to + follow. I one day examined the music of D’Holbach, in his closet. After + having looked over many different kinds, he said, showing me a collection + of pieces for the harpsichord: “These were composed for me; they are full + of taste and harmony, and unknown to everybody but myself. You ought to + make a selection from them for your divertissement.” Having in my head + more subjects of airs and symphonies than I could make use of, I was not + the least anxious to have any of his. However, he pressed me so much, + that, from a motive of complaisance, I chose a Pastoral, which I abridged + and converted into a trio, for the entry of the companions of Colette. + Some months afterwards, and whilst the Devin still continued to be + performed, going into Grimms I found several people about his harpsichord, + whence he hastily rose on my arrival. As I accidently looked toward his + music stand, I there saw the same collection of the Baron d’Holbach, + opened precisely at the piece he had prevailed upon me to take, assuring + me at the same time that it should never go out of his hands. Some time + afterwards, I again saw the collection open on the harpischord of M. + d’Papinay, one day when he gave a little concert. Neither Grimm, nor + anybody else, ever spoke to me of the air, and my reason for mentioning it + here is that some time afterwards, a rumor was spread that I was not the + author of Devin. As I never made a great progress in the practical part, I + am persuaded that had it not been for my dictionary of music, it would in + the end have been said I did not understand composition. + </p> + <p> + Sometime before the ‘Devin du Village’ was performed, a company of Italian + Bouffons had arrived at Paris, and were ordered to perform at the + opera-house, without the effect they would produce there being foreseen. + Although they were detestable, and the orchestra, at that time very + ignorant, mutilated at will the pieces they gave, they did the French + opera an injury that will never be repaired. The comparison of these two + kinds of music, heard the same evening in the same theatre, opened the + ears of the French; nobody could endure their languid music after the + marked and lively accents of Italian composition; and the moment the + Bouffons had done, everybody went away. The managers were obliged to + change the order of representation, and let the performance of the + Bouffons be the last. ‘Egle Pigmalion’ and ‘le Sylphe’ were successively + given: nothing could bear the comparison. The ‘Devin du Village’ was the + only piece that did it, and this was still relished after ‘la Serva + Padrona’. When I composed my interlude, my head was filled with these + pieces, and they gave me the first idea of it: I was, however, far from + imagining they would one day be passed in review by the side of my + composition. Had I been a plagiarist, how many pilferings would have been + manifest, and what care would have been taken to point them out to the + public! But I had done nothing of the kind. All attempts to discover any + such thing were fruitless: nothing was found in my music which led to the + recollection of that of any other person; and my whole composition + compared with the pretended original, was found to be as new as the + musical characters I had invented. Had Mondonville or Rameau undergone the + same ordeal, they would have lost much of their substance. + </p> + <p> + The Bouffons acquired for Italian music very warm partisans. All Paris was + divided into two parties, the violence of which was greater than if an + affair of state or religion had been in question. One of them, the most + powerful and numerous, composed of the great, of men of fortune, and the + ladies, supported French music; the other, more lively and haughty, and + fuller of enthusiasm, was composed of real connoisseurs, and men of + talents, and genius. This little group assembled at the opera-house, under + the box belonging to the queen. The other party filled up the rest of the + pit and the theatre; but the heads were mostly assembled under the box of + his majesty. Hence the party names of Coin du Roi, Coin de la Reine,—[King’s + corner,—Queen’s corner.]—then in great celebrity. The dispute, + as it became more animated, produced several pamphlets. The king’s corner + aimed at pleasantry; it was laughed at by the ‘Petit Prophete’. It + attempted to reason; the ‘Lettre sur la Musique Francoise’ refuted its + reasoning. These two little productions, the former of which was by Grimm, + the latter by myself, are the only ones which have outlived the quarrel; + all the rest are long since forgotten. + </p> + <p> + But the Petit Prophete, which, notwithstanding all I could say, was for a + long time attributed to me, was considered as a pleasantry, and did not + produce the least inconvenience to the author: whereas the letter on music + was taken seriously, and incensed against me the whole nation, which + thought itself offended by this attack on its music. The description of + the incredible effect of this pamphlet would be worthy of the pen of + Tacitus. The great quarrel between the parliament and the clergy was then + at its height. The parliament had just been exiled; the fermentation was + general; everything announced an approaching insurrection. The pamphlet + appeared: from that moment every other quarrel was forgotten; the perilous + state of French music was the only thing by which the attention of the + public was engaged, and the only insurrection was against myself. This was + so general that it has never since been totally calmed. At court, the + bastile or banishment was absolutely determined on, and a ‘lettre de + cachet’ would have been issued had not M. de Voyer set forth in the most + forcible manner that such a step would be ridiculous. Were I to say this + pamphlet probably prevented a revolution, the reader would imagine I was + in a dream. It is, however, a fact, the truth of which all Paris can + attest, it being no more than fifteen years since the date of this + singular fact. Although no attempts were made on my liberty, I suffered + numerous insults; and even my life was in danger. The musicians of the + opera orchestra humanely resolved to murder me as I went out of the + theatre. Of this I received information; but the only effect it produced + on me was to make me more assiduously attend the opera; and I did not + learn, until a considerable time afterwards, that M. Ancelot, officer in + the mousquetaires, and who had a friendship for me, had prevented the + effect of this conspiracy by giving me an escort, which, unknown to + myself, accompanied me until I was out of danger. The direction of the + opera-house had just been given to the hotel de ville. The first exploit + performed by the Prevot des Marchands, was to take from me my freedom of + the theatre, and this in the most uncivil manner possible. Admission was + publicly refused me on my presenting myself, so that I was obliged to take + a ticket that I might not that evening have the mortification to return as + I had come. This injustice was the more shameful, as the only price I had + set on my piece when I gave it to the managers was a perpetual freedom of + the house; for although this was a right, common to every author, and + which I enjoyed under a double title, I expressly stipulated for it in + presence of M. Duclos. It is true, the treasurer brought me fifty louis, + for which I had not asked; but, besides the smallness of the sum, compared + with that which, according to the rule, established in such cases, was due + to me, this payment had nothing in common with the right of entry formerly + granted, and which was entirely independent of it. There was in this + behavior such a complication of iniquity and brutality, that the public, + notwithstanding its animosity against me, which was then at its highest, + was universally shocked at it, and many persons who insulted me the + preceding evening, the next day exclaimed in the open theatre, that it was + shameful thus to deprive an author of his right of entry; and particularly + one who had so well deserved it, and was entitled to claim it for himself + and another person. So true is the Italian proverb: Ogn’un ama la + giustizia in cosa d’altrui.—[Every one loves justice in the affairs + of another.] + </p> + <p> + In this situation the only thing I had to do was to demand my work, since + the price I had agreed to receive for it was refused me. For this purpose + I wrote to M. d’Argenson, who had the department of the opera. I likewise + enclosed to him a memoir which was unanswerable; but this, as well as my + letter, was ineffectual, and I received no answer to either. The silence + of that unjust man hurt me extremely, and did not contribute to increase + the very moderate good opinion I always had of his character and + abilities. It was in this manner the managers kept my piece while they + deprived me of that for which I had given it them. From the weak to the + strong, such an act would be a theft: from the strong to the weak, it is + nothing more than an appropriation of property, without a right. + </p> + <p> + With respect to the pecuniary advantages of the work, although it did not + produce me a fourth part of the sum it would have done to any other + person, they were considerable enough to enable me to subsist several + years, and to make amends for the ill success of copying, which went on + but very slowly. I received a hundred louis from the king; fifty from + Madam de Pompadour, for the performance at Bellevue, where she herself + played the part of Colin; fifty from the opera; and five hundred livres + from Pissot, for the engraving; so that this interlude, which cost me no + more than five or six weeks’ application, produced, notwithstanding the + ill treatment I received from the managers and my stupidity at court, + almost as much money as my ‘Emilius’, which had cost me twenty years’ + meditation, and three years’ labor. But I paid dearly for the pecuniary + ease I received from the piece, by the infinite vexations it brought upon + me. It was the germ of the secret jealousies which did not appear until a + long time afterwards. After its success I did not remark, either in Grimm, + Diderot, or any of the men of letters, with whom I was acquainted, the + same cordiality and frankness, nor that pleasure in seeing me, I had + previously experienced. The moment I appeared at the baron’s, the + conversation was no longer general; the company divided into small + parties; whispered into each other’s ears; and I remained alone, without + knowing to whom to address myself. I endured for a long time this + mortifying neglect; and, perceiving that Madam d’Holbach, who was mild and + amiable, still received me well, I bore with the vulgarity of her husband + as long as it was possible. But he one day attacked me without reason or + pretence, and with such brutality, in presence of Diderot, who said not a + word, and Margency, who since that time has often told me how much he + admired the moderation and mildness of my answers, that, at length driven + from his house, by this unworthy treatment, I took leave with a resolution + never to enter it again. This did not, however, prevent me from speaking + honorably of him and his house, whilst he continually expressed himself + relative to me in the most insulting terms, calling me that ‘petit + cuistre’: the little college pedant, or servitor in a college, without, + however, being able to charge me with having done either to himself or any + person to whom he was attached the most trifling injury. In this manner he + verified my fears and predictions. I am of opinion my pretended friends + would have pardoned me for having written books, and even excellent ones, + because this merit was not foreign to themselves; but that they could not + forgive my writing an opera, nor the brilliant success it had; because + there was not one amongst them capable of the same, nor in a situation to + aspire to like honors. Duclos, the only person superior to jealousy, + seemed to become more attached to me: he introduced me to Mademoiselle + Quinault, in whose house I received polite attention, and civility to as + great an extreme, as I had found a want of it in that of M. d’Holbach. + </p> + <p> + Whilst the performance of the ‘Devin du Village’ was continued at the + opera-house, the author of it had an advantageous negotiation with the + managers of the French comedy. Not having, during seven or eight years, + been able to get my ‘Narcissis’ performed at the Italian theatre, I had, + by the bad performance in French of the actors, become disgusted with it, + and should rather have had my piece received at the French theatre than by + them. I mentioned this to La None, the comedian, with whom I had become + acquainted, and who, as everybody knows, was a man of merit and an author. + He was pleased with the piece, and promised to get it performed without + suffering the name of the author to be known; and in the meantime procured + me the freedom of the theatre, which was extremely agreeable to me, for I + always preferred it to the two others. The piece was favorably received, + and without the author’s name being mentioned; but I have reason to + believe it was known to the actors and actresses, and many other persons. + Mademoiselles Gauffin and Grandval played the amorous parts; and although + the whole performance was, in my opinion, injudicious, the piece could not + be said to be absolutely ill played. The indulgence of the public, for + which I felt gratitude, surprised me; the audience had the patience to + listen to it from the beginning to the end, and to permit a second + representation without showing the least sign of disapprobation. For my + part, I was so wearied with the first, that I could not hold out to the + end; and the moment I left the theatre, I went into the Cafe de Procope, + where I found Boissi, and others of my acquaintance, who had probably been + as much fatigued as myself. I there humbly or haughtily avowed myself the + author of the piece, judging it as everybody else had done. This public + avowal of an author of a piece which had not succeeded, was much admired, + and was by no means painful to myself. My self-love was flattered by the + courage with which I made it: and I am of opinion, that, on this occasion, + there was more pride in speaking, than there would have been foolish shame + in being silent. However, as it was certain the piece, although insipid in + the performance would bear to be read, I had it printed: and in the + preface, which is one of the best things I ever wrote, I began to make my + principles more public than I had before done. + </p> + <p> + I soon had an opportunity to explain them entirely in a work of the + greatest importance: for it was, I think, this year, 1753, that the + programma of the Academy of Dijon upon the ‘Origin of the Inequality of + Mankind’ made its appearance. Struck with this great question, I was + surprised the academy had dared to propose it: but since it had shown + sufficient courage to do it, I thought I might venture to treat it, and + immediately undertook the discussion. + </p> + <p> + That I might consider this grand subject more at my ease, I went to St. + Germain for seven or eight days with Theresa, our hostess, who was a good + kind of woman, and one of her friends. I consider this walk as one of the + most agreeable ones I ever took. The weather was very fine. These good + women took upon themselves all the care and expense. Theresa amused + herself with them; and I, free from all domestic concerns, diverted + myself, without restraint, at the hours of dinner and supper. All the rest + of the day wandering in the forest, I sought for and found there the image + of the primitive ages of which I boldly traced the history. I confounded + the pitiful lies of men; I dared to unveil their nature; to follow the + progress of time, and the things by which it has been disfigured; and + comparing the man of art with the natural man, to show them, in their + pretended improvement, the real source of all their misery. My mind, + elevated by these contemplations, ascended to the Divinity, and thence, + seeing my fellow creatures follow in the blind track of their prejudices + that of their errors and misfortunes, I cried out to them, in a feeble + voice, which they could not hear: “Madmen! know that all your evils + proceed from yourselves!” + </p> + <p> + From these meditations resulted the discourse on Inequality, a work more + to the taste of Diderot than any of my other writings, and in which his + advice was of the greatest service to me. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [At the time I wrote this, I had not the least suspicion of the + grand conspiracy of Diderot and Grimm. Otherwise I should easily + have discovered how much the former abused my confidence, by giving + to my writings that severity and melancholy which were not to be + found in them from the moments he ceased to direct me. The passage + of the philosopher, who argues with himself, and stops his ears + against the complaints of a man in distress, is after his manner: + and he gave me others still more extraordinary; which I could never + resolve to make use of. But, attributing, this melancholy to that + he had acquired in the dungeon of Vincennes, and of which there is a + very sufficient dose in his Clairoal, I never once suspected the + least unfriendly dealing. ] +</pre> + <p> + It was, however, understood but by few readers, and not one of these would + ever speak of it. I had written it to become a competitor for the premium, + and sent it away fully persuaded it would not obtain it; well convinced it + was not for productions of this nature that academies were founded. + </p> + <p> + This excursion and this occupation enlivened my spirits and was of service + to my health. Several years before, tormented by my disorder, I had + entirely given myself up to the care of physicians, who, without + alleviating my sufferings, exhausted my strength and destroyed my + constitution. At my return from St. Germain, I found myself stronger and + perceived my health to be improved. I followed this indication, and + determined to cure myself or die without the aid of physicians and + medicine. I bade them forever adieu, and lived from day to day, keeping + close when I found myself indisposed, and going abroad the moment I had + sufficient strength to do it. The manner of living in Paris amidst people + of pretensions was so little to my liking; the cabals of men of letters, + their little candor in their writings, and the air of importance they gave + themselves in the world, were so odious to me; I found so little mildness, + openness of heart and frankness in the intercourse even of my friends; + that, disgusted with this life of tumult, I began ardently to wish to + reside in the country, and not perceiving that my occupation permitted me + to do it, I went to pass there all the time I had to spare. For several + months I went after dinner to walk alone in the Bois de Boulogne, + meditating on subjects for future works, and not returning until evening. + </p> + <p> + Gauffecourt, with whom I was at that time extremely intimate, being on + account of his employment obliged to go to Geneva, proposed to me the + journey, to which I consented. The state of my health was such as to + require the care of the governess; it was therefore decided she should + accompany us, and that her mother should remain in the house. After thus + having made our arrangements, we set off on the first of June, 1754. + </p> + <p> + This was the period when at the age of forty-two, I for the first time in + my life felt a diminution of my natural confidence to which I had + abandoned myself without reserve or inconvenience. We had a private + carriage, in which with the same horses we travelled very slowly. I + frequently got out and walked. We had scarcely performed half our journey + when Theresa showed the greatest uneasiness at being left in the carriage + with Gauffecourt, and when, notwithstanding her remonstrances, I would get + out as usual, she insisted upon doing the same, and walking with me. I + chid her for this caprice, and so strongly opposed it, that at length she + found herself obliged to declare to me the cause whence it proceeded. I + thought I was in a dream; my astonishment was beyond expression, when I + learned that my friend M. de Gauffecourt, upwards of sixty years of age, + crippled by the gout, impotent and exhausted by pleasures, had, since our + departure, incessantly endeavored to corrupt a person who belonged to his + friend, and was no longer young nor handsome, by the most base and + shameful means, such as presenting to her a purse, attempting to inflame + her imagination by the reading of an abominable book, and by the sight of + infamous figures, with which it was filled. Theresa, full of indignation, + once threw his scandalous book out of the carriage; and I learned that on + the first evening of our journey, a violent headache having obliged me to + retire to bed before supper, he had employed the whole time of this + tete-a-tete in actions more worthy of a satyr than a man of worth and + honor, to whom I thought I had intrusted my companion and myself. What + astonishment and grief of heart for me! I, who until then had believed + friendship to be inseparable from every amiable and noble sentiment which + constitutes all its charm, for the first time in my life found myself + under the necessity of connecting it with disdain, and of withdrawing my + confidence from a man for whom I had an affection, and by whom I imagined + myself beloved! The wretch concealed from me his turpitude; and that I + might not expose Theresa, I was obliged to conceal from him my contempt, + and secretly to harbor in my heart such sentiments as were foreign to its + nature. Sweet and sacred illusion of friendship! Gauffecourt first took + the veil from before my eyes. What cruel hands have since that time + prevented it from again being drawn over them! + </p> + <p> + At Lyons I quitted Gauffecourt to take the road to Savoy, being unable to + be so near to mamma without seeing her. I saw her—Good God, in what + a situation! How contemptible! What remained to her of primitive virtue? + Was it the same Madam de Warens, formerly so gay and lively, to whom the + vicar of Pontverre had given me recommendations? How my heart was wounded! + The only resource I saw for her was to quit the country. I earnestly but + vainly repeated the invitation I had several times given her in my letters + to come and live peacefully with me, assuring her I would dedicate the + rest of my life, and that of Theresa, to render her happy. Attached to her + pension, from which, although it was regularly paid, she had not for a + long time received the least advantage, my offers were lost upon her. I + again gave her a trifling part of the contents of my purse, much less than + I ought to have done, and considerably less than I should have offered her + had not I been certain of its not being of the least service to herself. + During my residence at Geneva, she made a journey into Chablais, and came + to see me at Grange-canal. She was in want of money to continue her + journey: what I had in my pocket was insufficient to this purpose, but an + hour afterwards I sent it her by Theresa. Poor mamma! I must relate this + proof of the goodness of her heart. A little diamond ring was the last + jewel she had left. She took it from her finger, to put it upon that of + Theresa, who instantly replaced it upon that whence it had been taken, + kissing the generous hand which she bathed with her tears. Ah! this was + the proper moment to discharge my debt! I should have abandoned everything + to follow her, and share her fate: let it be what it would. I did nothing + of the kind. My attention was engaged by another attachment, and I + perceived the attachment I had to her was abated by the slender hopes + there were of rendering it useful to either of us. I sighed after her, my + heart was grieved at her situation, but I did not follow her. Of all the + remorse I felt this was the strongest and most lasting. I merited the + terrible chastisement with which I have since that time incessantly been + overwhelmed: may this have expiated my ingratitude! Of this I appear + guilty in my conduct, but my heart has been too much distressed by what I + did ever to have been that of an ungrateful man. + </p> + <p> + Before my departure from Paris I had sketched out the dedication of my + discourse on the ‘Inequality of Mankind’. I finished it at Chambery, and + dated it from that place, thinking that, to avoid all chicane, it was + better not to date it either from France or Geneva. The moment I arrived + in that city I abandoned myself to the republican enthusiasm which had + brought me to it. This was augmented by the reception I there met with. + Kindly treated by persons of every description, I entirely gave myself up + to a patriotic zeal, and mortified at being excluded from the rights of a + citizen by the possession of a religion different from that of my + forefathers, I resolved openly to return to the latter. I thought the + gospel being the same for every Christian, and the only difference in + religious opinions the result of the explanations given by men to that + which they did not understand, it was the exclusive right of the sovereign + power in every country to fix the mode of worship, and these + unintelligible opinions; and that consequently it was the duty of a + citizen to admit the one, and conform to the other in the manner + prescribed by the law. The conversation of the encyclopaedists, far from + staggering my faith, gave it new strength by my natural aversion to + disputes and party. The study of man and the universe had everywhere shown + me the final causes and the wisdom by which they were directed. The + reading of the Bible, and especially that of the New Testament, to which I + had for several years past applied myself, had given me a sovereign + contempt for the base and stupid interpretations given to the words of + Jesus Christ by persons the least worthy of understanding his divine + doctrine. In a word, philosophy, while it attached me to the essential + part of religion, had detached me from the trash of the little formularies + with which men had rendered it obscure. Judging that for a reasonable man + there were not two ways of being a Christian, I was also of opinion that + in each country everything relative to form and discipline was within the + jurisdiction of the laws. From this principle, so social and pacific, and + which has brought upon me such cruel persecutions, it followed that, if I + wished to be a citizen of Geneva, I must become a Protestant, and conform + to the mode of worship established in my country. This I resolved upon; I + moreover put myself under the instructions of the pastor of the parish in + which I lived, and which was without the city. All I desired was not to + appear at the consistory. However, the ecclesiastical edict was expressly + to that effect; but it was agreed upon to dispense with it in my favor, + and a commission of five or six members was named to receive my profession + of faith. Unfortunately, the minister Perdriau, a mild and an amiable man, + took it into his head to tell me the members were rejoiced at the thoughts + of hearing me speak in the little assembly. This expectation alarmed me to + such a degree that having night and day during three weeks studied a + little discourse I had prepared, I was so confused when I ought to have + pronounced it that I could not utter a single word, and during the + conference I had the appearance of the most stupid schoolboy. The persons + deputed spoke for me, and I answered yes and no, like a blockhead; I was + afterwards admitted to the communion, and reinstated in my rights as a + citizen. I was enrolled as such in the lists of guards, paid by none but + citizens and burgesses, and I attended at a council-general extraordinary + to receive the oath from the syndic Mussard. I was so impressed with the + kindness shown me on this occasion by the council and the consistory, and + by the great civility and obliging behavior of the magistrates, ministers + and citizens, that, pressed by the worthy De Luc, who was incessant in his + persuasions, and still more so by my own inclination, I did not think of + going back to Paris for any other purpose than to break up housekeeping, + find a situation for M. and Madam le Vasseur, or provide for their + subsistence, and then return with Theresa to Geneva, there to settle for + the rest of my days. + </p> + <p> + After taking this resolution I suspended all serious affairs the better to + enjoy the company of my friends until the time of my departure. Of all the + amusements of which I partook, that with which I was most pleased, was + sailing round the lake in a boat, with De Luc, the father, his + daughter-in-law, his two sons, and my Theresa. We gave seven days to this + excursion in the finest weather possible. I preserved a lively remembrance + of the situation which struck me at the other extremity of the lake, and + of which I, some years afterwards, gave a description in my New Eloisa. + </p> + <p> + The principal connections I made at Geneva, besides the De Lucs, of which + I have spoken, were the young Vernes, with whom I had already been + acquainted at Paris, and of whom I then formed a better opinion than I + afterwards had of him. M. Perdriau, then a country pastor, now professor + of Belles Lettres, whose mild and agreeable society will ever make me + regret the loss of it, although he has since thought proper to detach + himself from me; M. Jalabert, at that time professor of natural + philosophy, since become counsellor and syndic, to whom I read my + discourse upon Inequality (but not the dedication), with which he seemed + to be delighted; the Professor Lullin, with whom I maintained a + correspondence until his death, and who gave me a commission to purchase + books for the library; the Professor Vernet, who, like most other people, + turned his back upon me after I had given him proofs of attachment and + confidence of which he ought to have been sensible, if a theologian can be + affected by anything; Chappins, clerk and successor to Gauffecourt, whom + he wished to supplant, and who, soon afterwards, was himself supplanted; + Marcet de Mezieres, an old friend of my father’s, and who had also shown + himself to be mine: after having well deserved of his country, he became a + dramatic author, and, pretending to be of the council of two hundred, + changed his principles, and, before he died, became ridiculous. But he + from whom I expected most was M. Moultou, a very promising young man by + his talents and his brilliant imagination, whom I have always loved, + although his conduct with respect to me was frequently equivocal, and, not + withstanding his being connected with my most cruel enemies, whom I cannot + but look upon as destined to become the defender of my memory and the + avenger of his friend. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of these dissipations, I neither lost the taste for my + solitary excursions, nor the habit of them; I frequently made long ones + upon the banks of the lake, during which my mind, accustomed to + reflection, did not remain idle; I digested the plan already formed of my + political institutions, of which I shall shortly have to speak; I + meditated a history of the Valais; the plan of a tragedy in prose, the + subject of which, nothing less than Lucretia, did not deprive me of the + hope of succeeding, although I had dared again to exhibit that unfortunate + heroine, when she could no longer be suffered upon any French stage. I at + that time tried my abilities with Tacitus, and translated the first books + of his history, which will be found amongst my papers. + </p> + <p> + After a residence of four months at Geneva, I returned in the month of + October to Paris; and avoided passing through Lyons that I might not again + have to travel with Gauffecourt. As the arrangement I had made did not + require my being at Geneva until the spring following, I returned, during + the winter, to my habits and occupations; the principal of the latter was + examining the proof sheets of my discourse on the Inequality of Mankind, + which I had procured to be printed in Holland, by the bookseller Rey, with + whom I had just become acquainted at Geneva. This work was dedicated to + the republic; but as the publication might be unpleasing to the council, I + wished to wait until it had taken its effect at Geneva before I returned + thither. This effect was not favorable to me; and the dedication, which + the most pure patriotism had dictated, created me enemies in the council, + and inspired even many of the burgesses with jealousy. M. Chouet, at that + time first syndic, wrote me a polite but very cold letter, which will be + found amongst my papers. I received from private persons, amongst others + from Du Luc and De Jalabert, a few compliments, and these were all. I did + not perceive that a single Genevese was pleased with the hearty zeal found + in the work. This indifference shocked all those by whom it was remarked. + I remember that dining one day at Clichy, at Madam Dupin’s, with + Crommelin, resident from the republic, and M. de Mairan, the latter openly + declared the council owed me a present and public honors for the work, and + that it would dishonor itself if it failed in either. Crommelin, who was a + black and mischievous little man, dared not reply in my presence, but he + made a frightful grimace, which however forced a smile from Madam Dupin. + The only advantage this work procured me, besides that resulting from the + satisfaction of my own heart, was the title of citizen given me by my + friends, afterwards by the public after their example, and which I + afterwards lost by having too well merited. + </p> + <p> + This ill success would not, however, have prevented my retiring to Geneva, + had not more powerful motives tended to the same effect. M. D’Epinay, + wishing to add a wing which was wanting to the chateau of the Chevrette, + was at an immense expense in completing it. Going one day with Madam + D’Epinay to see the building, we continued our walk a quarter of a league + further to the reservoir of the waters of the park which joined the forest + of Montmorency, and where there was a handsome kitchen garden, with a + little lodge, much out of repair, called the Hermitage. This solitary and + very agreeable place had struck me when I saw it for the first time before + my journey to Geneva. I had exclaimed in my transport: “Ah, madam, what a + delightful habitation! This asylum was purposely prepared for me.” Madam + D’Epinay did not pay much attention to what I said; but at this second + journey I was quite surprised to find, instead of the old decayed + building, a little house almost entirely new, well laid out, and very + habitable for a little family of three persons. Madam D’Epinay had caused + this to be done in silence, and at a very small expense, by detaching a + few materials and some of the work men from the castle. She now said to + me, on remarking my surprise: “My dear, here behold your asylum; it is you + who have chosen it; friendship offers it to you. I hope this will remove + from you the cruel idea of separating from me.” I do not think I was ever + in my life more strongly or more deliciously affected. I bathed with tears + the beneficent hand of my friend; and if I were not conquered from that + very instant even, I was extremely staggered. Madam D’Epinay, who would + not be denied, became so pressing, employed so many means, so many people + to circumvent me, proceeding even so far as to gain over Madam le Vasseur + and her daughter, that at length she triumphed over all my resolutions. + Renouncing the idea of residing in my own country, I resolved, I promised, + to inhabit the Hermitage; and, whilst the building was drying, Madam + D’Epinay took care to prepare furniture, so that everything was ready the + following spring. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="frontispiece " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/frontispiece.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + One thing which greatly aided me in determining, was the residence + Voltaire had chosen near Geneva; I easily comprehended this man would + cause a revolution there, and that I should find in my country the + manners, which drove me from Paris; that I should be under the necessity + of incessantly struggling hard, and have no other alternative than that of + being an unsupportable pedant, a poltroon, or a bad citizen. The letter + Voltaire wrote me on my last work, induced me to insinuate my fears in my + answer; and the effect this produced confirmed them. From that moment I + considered Geneva as lost, and I was not deceived. I perhaps ought to have + met the storm, had I thought myself capable of resisting it. But what + could I have done alone, timid, and speaking badly, against a man, + arrogant, opulent, supported by the credit of the great, eloquent, and + already the idol of the women and young men? I was afraid of uselessly + exposing myself to danger to no purpose. I listened to nothing but my + peaceful disposition, to my love of repose, which, if it then deceived me, + still continues to deceive me on the same subject. By retiring to Geneva, + I should have avoided great misfortunes; but I have my doubts whether, + with all my ardent and patriotic zeal, I should have been able to effect + anything great and useful for my country. + </p> + <p> + Tronchin, who about the same time went to reside at Geneva, came + afterwards to Paris and brought with him treasures. At his arrival he came + to see me, with the Chevalier Jaucourt. Madam D’Epinay had a strong desire + to consult him in private, but this it was not easy to do. She addressed + herself to me, and I engaged Tronchin to go and see her. Thus under my + auspices they began a connection, which was afterwards increased at my + expense. Such has ever been my destiny: the moment I had united two + friends who were separately mine, they never failed to combine against me. + Although, in the conspiracy then formed by the Tronchins, they must all + have borne me a mortal hatred. He still continued friendly to me: he even + wrote me a letter after his return to Geneva, to propose to me the place + of honorary librarian. But I had taken my resolution, and the offer did + not tempt me to depart from it. + </p> + <p> + About this time I again visited M. d’Holbach. My visit was occasioned by + the death of his wife, which, as well as that of Madam Francueil, happened + whilst I was at Geneva. Diderot, when he communicated to me these + melancholy events, spoke of the deep affliction of the husband. His grief + affected my heart. I myself was grieved for the loss of that excellent + woman, and wrote to M. d’Holbach a letter of condolence. I forgot all the + wrongs he had done me, and at my return from Geneva, and after he had made + the tour of France with Grimm and other friends to alleviate his + affliction, I went to see him, and continued my visits until my departure + for the Hermitage. As soon as it was known in his circle that Madam + D’Epinay was preparing me a habitation there, innumerable sarcasms, + founded upon the want I must feel of the flattery and amusement of the + city, and the supposition of my not being able to support the solitude for + a fortnight, were uttered against me. Feeling within myself how I stood + affected, I left him and his friends to say what they pleased, and pursued + my intention. M. d’Holbach rendered me some services in finding a place + for the old Le Vasseur, who was eighty years of age and a burden to his + wife, from which she begged me to relieve her. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [This is an instance of the treachery of my memory. A long time + after I had written what I have stated above, I learned, in + conversing with my wife, that it was not M. d’Holbach, but M. de + Chenonceaux, then one of the administrators of the Hotel Dieu, who + procured this place for her father. I had so totally forgotten the + circumstance, and the idea of M. d’Holbach’s having done it was so + strong in my mind that I would have sworn it had been him.] +</pre> + <p> + He was put into a house of charity, where, almost as soon as he arrived + there, age and the grief of finding himself removed from his family sent + him to the grave. His wife and all his children, except Theresa, did not + much regret his loss. But she, who loved him tenderly, has ever since been + inconsolable, and never forgiven herself for having suffered him, at so + advanced an age, to end his days in any other house than her own. + </p> + <p> + Much about the same time I received a visit I little expected, although it + was from a very old acquaintance. My friend Venture, accompanied by + another man, came upon me one morning by surprise. What a change did I + discover in his person! Instead of his former gracefulness, he appeared + sottish and vulgar, which made me extremely reserved with him. My eyes + deceived me, or either debauchery had stupefied his mind, or all his first + splendor was the effect of his youth, which was past. I saw him almost + with indifference, and we parted rather coolly. But when he was gone, the + remembrance of our former connection so strongly called to my recollection + that of my younger days, so charmingly, so prudently dedicated to that + angelic woman (Madam de Warens) who was not much less changed than + himself; the little anecdotes of that happy time, the romantic day of + Toune passed with so much innocence and enjoyment between those two + charming girls, from whom a kiss of the hand was the only favor, and + which, notwithstanding its being so trifling, had left me such lively, + affecting and lasting regrets; and the ravishing delirium of a young + heart, which I had just felt in all its force, and of which I thought the + season forever past for me. The tender remembrance of these delightful + circumstances made me shed tears over my faded youth and its transports + for ever lost to me. Ah! how many tears should I have shed over their + tardy and fatal return had I foreseen the evils I had yet to suffer from + them. + </p> + <p> + Before I left Paris, I enjoyed during the winter which preceded my + retreat, a pleasure after my own heart, and of which I tasted in all its + purity. Palissot, academician of Nancy, known by a few dramatic + compositions, had just had one of them performed at Luneville before the + King of Poland. He perhaps thought to make his court by representing in + his piece a man who had dared to enter into a literary dispute with the + king. Stanislaus, who was generous, and did not like satire, was filled + with indignation at the author’s daring to be personal in his presence. + The Comte de Tressan, by order of the prince, wrote to M. d’Alembert, as + well as to myself, to inform me that it was the intention of his majesty + to have Palissot expelled his academy. My answer was a strong solicitation + in favor of Palissot, begging M. de Tressan to intercede with the king in + his behalf. His pardon was granted, and M. de Tressan, when he + communicated to me the information in the name of the monarch, added that + the whole of what had passed should be inserted in the register of the + academy. I replied that this was less granting a pardon than perpetuating + a punishment. At length, after repeated solicitations, I obtained a + promise, that nothing relative to the affair should be inserted in the + register, and that no public trace should remain of it. The promise was + accompanied, as well on the part of the king as on that of M. de Tressan, + with assurance of esteem and respect, with which I was extremely + flattered; and I felt on this occasion that the esteem of men who are + themselves worthy of it, produced in the mind a sentiment infinitely more + noble and pleasing than that of vanity. I have transcribed into my + collection the letters of M. de Tressan, with my answers to them: and the + original of the former will be found amongst my other papers. + </p> + <p> + I am perfectly aware that if ever these memoirs become public, I here + perpetuate the remembrance of a fact of which I would wish to efface every + trace; but I transmit many others as much against my inclination. The + grand object of my undertaking, constantly before my eyes, and the + indispensable duty of fulfilling it to its utmost extent, will not permit + me to be turned aside by trifling considerations, which would lead me from + my purpose. In my strange and unparalleled situation, I owe too much to + truth to be further than this indebted to any person whatever. They who + wish to know me well must be acquainted with me in every point of view, in + every relative situation, both good and bad. My confessions are + necessarily connected with those of many other people: I write both with + the same frankness in everything that relates to that which has befallen + me; and am not obliged to spare any person more than myself, although it + is my wish to do it. I am determined always to be just and true, to say of + others all the good I can, never speaking of evil except when it relates + to my own conduct, and there is a necessity for my so doing. Who, in the + situation in which the world has placed me, has a right to require more at + my hands? My confessions are not intended to appear during my lifetime, + nor that of those they may disagreeably affect. Were I master of my own + destiny, and that of the book I am now writing, it should never be made + public until after my death and theirs. But the efforts which the dread of + truth obliges my powerful enemies to make to destroy every trace of it, + render it necessary for me to do everything, which the strictest right, + and the most severe justice, will permit, to preserve what I have written. + Were the remembrance of me to be lost at my dissolution, rather than + expose any person alive, I would without a murmur suffer an unjust and + momentary reproach. But since my name is to live, it is my duty to + endeavor to transmit with it to posterity the remembrance of the + unfortunate man by whom it was borne, such as he really was, and not such + as his unjust enemies incessantly endeavored to describe him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK IX. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>y impatience to + inhabit the Hermitage not permitting me to wait until the return of fine + weather, the moment my lodging was prepared I hastened to take possession + of it, to the great amusement of the ‘Coterie Holbachique’, which publicly + predicted I should not be able to support solitude for three months, and + that I should unsuccessfully return to Paris, and live there as they did. + For my part, having for fifteen years been out of my element, finding + myself upon the eve of returning to it, I paid no attention to their + pleasantries. Since contrary to my inclinations, I have again entered the + world, I have incessantly regretted my dear Charmettes, and the agreeable + life I led there. I felt a natural inclination to retirement and the + country: it was impossible for me to live happily elsewhere. At Venice, in + the train of public affairs, in the dignity of a kind of representation, + in the pride of projects of advancement; at Paris, in the vortex of the + great world, in the luxury of suppers, in the brilliancy of spectacles, in + the rays of splendor; my groves, rivulets, and solitary walks, constantly + presented themselves to my recollection, interrupted my thought, rendered + me melancholy, and made me sigh with desire. All the labor to which I had + subjected myself, every project of ambition which by fits had animated my + ardor, all had for object this happy country retirement, which I now + thought near at hand. Without having acquired a genteel independence, + which I had judged to be the only means of accomplishing my views, I + imagined myself, in my particular situation, to be able to do without it, + and that I could obtain the same end by a means quite opposite. I had no + regular income; but I possessed some talents, and had acquired a name. My + wants were few, and I had freed myself from all those which were most + expensive, and which merely depended on prejudice and opinion. Besides + this, although naturally indolent, I was laborious when I chose to be so. + and my idleness was less that of an indolent man, than that of an + independent one who applies to business when it pleases him. My profession + of a copyist of music was neither splendid nor lucrative, but it was + certain. The world gave me credit for the courage I had shown in making + choice of it. I might depend upon having sufficient employment to enable + me to live. Two thousand livres which remained of the produce of the + ‘Devin du Village’, and my other writings, were a sum which kept me from + being straitened, and several works I had upon the stocks promised me, + without extorting money from the booksellers, supplies sufficient to + enable me to work at my ease without exhausting myself, even by turning to + advantage the leisure of my walks. My little family, consisting of three + persons, all of whom were usefully employed, was not expensive to support. + Finally, from my resources, proportioned to my wants and desires, I might + reasonably expect a happy and permanent existence, in that manner of life + which my inclination had induced me to adopt. + </p> + <p> + I might have taken the interested side of the question, and, instead of + subjecting my pen to copying, entirely devoted it to works which, from the + elevation to which I had soared, and at which I found myself capable of + continuing, might have enabled me to live in the midst of abundance, nay, + even of opulence, had I been the least disposed to join the manoeuvres of + an author to the care of publishing a good book. But I felt that writing + for bread would soon have extinguished my genius, and destroyed my + talents, which were less in my pen than in my heart, and solely proceeded + from an elevated and noble manner of thinking, by which alone they could + be cherished and preserved. Nothing vigorous or great can come from a pen + totally venal. Necessity, nay, even avarice, perhaps, would have made me + write rather rapidly than well. If the desire of success had not led me + into cabals, it might have made me endeavor to publish fewer true and + useful works than those which might be pleasing to the multitude; and + instead of a distinguished author, which I might possibly become, I should + have been nothing more than a scribbler. No: I have always felt that the + profession of letters was illustrious in proportion as it was less a + trade. It is too difficult to think nobly when we think for a livelihood. + To be able to dare even to speak great truths, an author must be + independent of success. I gave my books to the public with a certainty of + having written for the general good of mankind, without giving myself the + least concern about what was to follow. If the work was thrown aside, so + much the worse for such as did not choose to profit by it. Their + approbation was not necessary to enable me to live, my profession was + sufficient to maintain me had not my works had a sale, for which reason + alone they all sold. + </p> + <p> + It was on the ninth of August, 1756, that I left cities, never to reside + in them again: for I do not call a residence the few days I afterwards + remained in Paris, London, or other cities, always on the wing, or + contrary to my inclinations. Madam d’Epinay came and took us all three in + her coach; her farmer carted away my little baggage, and I was put into + possession the same day. I found my little retreat simply furnished, but + neatly, and with some taste. The hand which had lent its aid in this + furnishing rendered it inestimable in my eyes, and I thought it charming + to be the guest of my female friend in a house I had made choice of, and + which she had caused to be built purposely for me. + </p> + <p> + Although the weather was cold, and the ground lightly covered with snow, + the earth began to vegetate: violets and primroses already made their + appearance, the trees began to bud, and the evening of my arrival was + distinguished by the song of the nightingale, which was heard almost under + my window, in a wood adjoining the house. After a light sleep, forgetting + when I awoke my change of abode, I still thought myself in the Rue + Grenelle, when suddenly this warbling made me give a start, and I + exclaimed in my transport: “At length, all my wishes are accomplished!” + The first thing I did was to abandon myself to the impression of the rural + objects with which I was surrounded. Instead of beginning to set things in + order in my new habitation, I began by doing it for my walks, and there + was not a path, a copse, a grove, nor a corner in the environs of my place + of residence that I did not visit the next day. The more I examined this + charming retreat, the more I found it to my wishes. This solitary, rather + than savage, spot transported me in idea to the end of the world. It had + striking beauties which are but seldom found near cities, and never, if + suddenly transported thither, could any person have imagined himself + within four leagues of Paris. + </p> + <p> + After abandoning myself for a few days to this rural delirium, I began to + arrange my papers, and regulate my occupations. I set apart, as I had + always done, my mornings to copying, and my afternoons to walking, + provided with my little paper book and a pencil, for never having been + able to write and think at my ease except ‘sub dio’, I had no inclination + to depart from this method, and I was persuaded the forest of Montmorency, + which was almost at my door, would in future be my closet and study. I had + several works begun; these I cast my eye over. My mind was indeed fertile + in great projects, but in the noise of the city the execution of them had + gone on but slowly. I proposed to myself to use more diligence when I + should be less interrupted. I am of opinion I have sufficiently fulfilled + this intention; and for a man frequently ill, often at La Chevrette, at + Epinay, at Raubonne, at the castle of Montmorency, at other times + interrupted by the indolent and curious, and always employed half the day + in copying, if what I produced during the six years I passed at the + Hermitage and at Montmorency be considered, I am persuaded it will appear + that if, in this interval, I lost my time, it was not in idleness. + </p> + <p> + Of the different works I had upon the stocks, that I had longest resolved + in my mind which was most to my taste, to which I destined a certain + portion of my life, and which, in my opinion, was to confirm the + reputation I had acquired, was my ‘Institutions Politiques’. I had, + fourteen years before, when at Venice, where I had an opportunity of + remarking the defects of that government so much boasted of, conceived the + first idea of them. Since that time my views had become much more extended + by the historical study of morality. I had perceived everything to be + radically connected with politics, and that, upon whatever principles + these were founded, a people would never be more than that which the + nature of the government made them; therefore the great question of the + best government possible appeared to me to be reduced to this: What is the + nature of a government the most proper to form the most virtuous and + enlightened, the wisest and best people, taking the last epithet in its + most extensive meaning? I thought this question was much if not quite of + the same nature with that which follows: What government is that which, by + its nature, always maintains itself nearest to the laws, or least deviates + from the laws. Hence, what is the law? and a series of questions of + similar importance. I perceived these led to great truths, useful to the + happiness of mankind, but more especially to that of my country, wherein, + in the journey I had just made to it, I had not found notions of laws and + liberty either sufficiently just or clear. I had thought this indirect + manner of communicating these to my fellow-citizens would be least + mortifying to their pride, and might obtain me forgiveness for having seen + a little further than themselves. + </p> + <p> + Although I had already labored five or six years at the work, the progress + I had made in it was not considerable. Writings of this kind require + meditation, leisure and tranquillity. I had besides written the + ‘Institutions Politiques’, as the expression is, ‘en bonne fortune’, and + had not communicated my project to any person; not even to Diderot. I was + afraid it would be thought too daring for the age and country in which I + wrote, and that the fears of my friends would restrain me from carrying it + into execution. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [It was more especially the wise severity of Duclos which inspired + me with this fear; as for Diderot, I know not by what means all my + conferences with him tended to make me more satirical than my + natural disposition inclined me to be. This prevented me from + consulting him upon an undertaking, in which I wished to introduce + nothing but the force of reasoning without the least appearance of + ill humor or partiality. The manner of this work may be judged of + by that of the ‘Contrat Social’, which is taken from it.] +</pre> + <p> + I did not yet know that it would be finished in time, and in such a manner + as to appear before my decease. I wished fearlessly to give to my subject + everything it required; fully persuaded that not being of a satirical + turn, and never wishing to be personal, I should in equity always be + judged irreprehensible. I undoubtedly wished fully to enjoy the right of + thinking which I had by birth; but still respecting the government under + which I lived, without ever disobeying its laws, and very attentive not to + violate the rights of persons, I would not from fear renounce its + advantages. + </p> + <p> + I confess, even that, as a stranger, and living in France, I found my + situation very favorable in daring to speak the truth; well knowing that + continuing, as I was determined to do, not to print anything in the + kingdom without permission, I was not obliged to give to any person in it + an account of my maxims nor of their publication elsewhere. I should have + been less independent even at Geneva, where, in whatever place my books + might have been printed, the magistrate had a right to criticise their + contents. This consideration had greatly contributed to make me yield to + the solicitations of Madam d’Epinay, and abandon the project of fixing my + residence at Geneva. I felt, as I have remarked in my Emilius, that unless + an author be a man of intrigue, when he wishes to render his works really + useful to any country whatsoever, he must compose them in some other. + </p> + <p> + What made me find my situation still more happy, was my being persuaded + that the government of France would, perhaps, without looking upon me with + a very favorable eye, make it a point to protect me, or at least not to + disturb my tranquillity. It appeared to me a stroke of simple, yet + dexterous policy, to make a merit of tolerating that which there was no + means of preventing; since, had I been driven from France, which was all + government had the right to do, my work would still have been written, and + perhaps with less reserve; whereas if I were left undisturbed, the author + remained to answer for what he wrote, and a prejudice, general throughout + all Europe, would be destroyed by acquiring the reputation of observing a + proper respect for the rights of persons. + </p> + <p> + They who, by the event, shall judge I was deceived, may perhaps be + deceived in their turn. In the storm which has since broken over my head, + my books served as a pretence, but it was against my person that every + shaft was directed. My persecutors gave themselves but little concern + about the author, but they wished to ruin Jean Jacques; and the greatest + evil they found in my writings was the honor they might possibly do me. + Let us not encroach upon the future. I do not know that this mystery, + which is still one to me, will hereafter be cleared up to my readers; but + had my avowed principles been of a nature to bring upon me the treatment I + received, I should sooner have become their victim, since the work in + which these principles are manifested with most courage, not to call it + audacity, seemed to have had its effect previous to my retreat to the + Hermitage, without I will not only say my having received the least + censure, but without any steps having been taken to prevent the + publication of it in France, where it was sold as publicly as in Holland. + The New Eloisa afterwards appeared with the same facility, I dare add; + with the same applause: and, what seems incredible, the profession of + faith of this Eloisa at the point of death is exactly similar to that of + the Savoyard vicar. Every strong idea in the Social Contract had been + before published in the discourse on Inequality; and every bold opinion in + Emilius previously found in Eloisa. This unrestrained freedom did not + excite the least murmur against the first two works; therefore it was not + that which gave cause to it against the latter. + </p> + <p> + Another undertaking much of the same kind, but of which the project was + more recent, then engaged my attention: this was the extract of the works + of the Abbe de Saint Pierre, of which, having been led away by the thread + of my narrative, I have not hitherto been able to speak. The idea was + suggested to me, after my return from Geneva, by the Abbe Malby, not + immediately from himself, but by the interposition of Madam Dupin, who had + some interest in engaging me to adopt it. She was one of the three or four + pretty women of Paris, of whom the Abbe de Saint Pierre had been the + spoiled child, and although she had not decidedly had the preference, she + had at least partaken of it with Madam d’Aiguillon. She preserved for the + memory of the good man a respect and an affection which did honor to them + both; and her self-love would have been flattered by seeing the still-born + works of her friend brought to life by her secretary. These works + contained excellent things, but so badly told that the reading of them was + almost insupportable; and it is astonishing the Abbe de Saint Pierre, who + looked upon his readers as schoolboys, should nevertheless have spoken to + them as men, by the little care he took to induce them to give him a + hearing. It was for this purpose that the work was proposed to me as + useful in itself, and very proper for a man laborious in manoeuvre, but + idle as an author, who finding the trouble of thinking very fatiguing, + preferred, in things which pleased him, throwing a light upon and + extending the ideas of others, to producing any himself. Besides, not + being confined to the functions of a translator, I was at liberty + sometimes to think for myself; and I had it in my power to give such a + form to my work, that many important truths would pass in it under the + name of the Abbe de Saint Pierre, much more safely than under mine. The + undertaking also was not trifling; the business was nothing less than to + read and meditate twenty-three volumes, diffuse, confused, full of long + narrations and periods, repetitions, and false or little views, from + amongst which it was necessary to select some few that were good and + useful, and sufficiently encouraging to enable me to support the painful + labor. I frequently wished to have given it up, and should have done so, + could I have got it off my hands with a great grace; but when I received + the manuscripts of the abbe, which were given to me by his nephew, the + Comte de Saint Pierre, I had, by the solicitation of St. Lambert, in some + measure engaged to make use of them, which I must either have done, or + have given them back. It was with the former intention I had taken the + manuscripts to the Hermitage, and this was the first work to which I + proposed to dedicate my leisure hours. + </p> + <p> + I had likewise in my own mind projected a third, the idea of which I owed + to the observations I had made upon myself and I felt the more disposed to + undertake this work, as I had reason to hope I could make it a truly + useful one, and perhaps, the most so of any that could be offered to the + world, were the execution equal to the plan I had laid down. It has been + remarked that most men are in the course of their lives frequently unlike + themselves, and seem to be transformed into others very different from + what they were. It was not to establish a thing so generally known that I + wished to write a book; I had a newer and more important object. This was + to search for the causes of these variations, and, by confining my + observations to those which depend on ourselves, to demonstrate in what + manner it might be possible to direct them, in order to render us better + and more certain of our dispositions. For it is undoubtedly more painful + to an honest man to resist desires already formed, and which it is his + duty to subdue, than to prevent, change, or modify the same desires in + their source, were he capable of tracing them to it. A man under + temptation resists once because he has strength of mind, he yields another + time because this is overcome; had it been the same as before he would + again have triumphed. + </p> + <p> + By examining within myself, and searching in others what could be the + cause of these different manners of being, I discovered that, in a great + measure they depended on the anterior impressions of external objects; and + that, continually modified by our senses and organs, we, without knowing + it, bore in our ideas, sentiments, and even actions, the effect of these + modifications. The striking and numerous observations I had collected were + beyond all manner of dispute, and by their natural principle seemed proper + to furnish an exterior regimen, which varied according to circumstances, + might place and support the mind in the state most favorable to virtue. + From how many mistakes would reason be preserved, how many vices would be + stifled in their birth, were it possible to force animal economy to favor + moral order, which it so frequently disturbs! Climate, seasons, sounds, + colors, light, darkness, the elements, ailments, noise, silence, motion, + rest, all act on the animal machine, and consequently on the mind: all + offer a thousand means, almost certain of directing in their origin the + sentiments by which we suffer ourselves to be governed. Such was the + fundamental idea of which I had already made a sketch upon paper, and + whence I hoped for an effect the more certain, in favor of persons well + disposed, who, sincerely loving virtue, were afraid of their own weakness, + as it appeared to me easy to make of it a book as agreeable to read as it + was to compose. I have, however, applied myself but very little to this + work, the title of which was to have been ‘Morale Sensitive’ ou le + Materialisme du Sage.——Interruptions, the cause of which will + soon appear, prevented me from continuing it, and the fate of the sketch, + which is more connected with my own than it may appear to be, will + hereafter be seen. + </p> + <p> + Besides this, I had for some time meditated a system of education, of + which Madam de Chenonceaux, alarmed for her son by that of her husband, + had desired me to consider. The authority of friendship placed this + object, although less in itself to my taste, nearer to my heart than any + other. On which account this subject, of all those of which I have just + spoken, is the only one I carried to its utmost extent. The end I proposed + to myself in treating of it should, I think, have procured the author a + better fate. But I will not here anticipate this melancholy subject. I + shall have too much reason to speak of it in the course of my work. + </p> + <p> + These different objects offered me subjects of meditation for my walks; + for, as I believed I had already observed, I am unable to reflect when I + am not walking: the moment I stop, I think no more, and as soon as I am + again in motion my head resumes its workings. I had, however, provided + myself with a work for the closet upon rainy days. This was my dictionary + of music, which my scattered, mutilated, and unshapen materials made it + necessary to rewrite almost entirely. I had with me some books necessary + to this purpose; I had spent two months in making extracts from others, I + had borrowed from the king’s library, whence I was permitted to take + several to the Hermitage. I was thus provided with materials for composing + in my apartment when the weather did not permit me to go out, and my + copying fatigued me. This arrangement was so convenient that it made it + turn to advantage as well at the Hermitage as at Montmorency, and + afterwards even at Motiers, where I completed the work whilst I was + engaged in others, and constantly found a change of occupation to be a + real relaxation. + </p> + <p> + During a considerable time I exactly followed the distribution I had + prescribed myself, and found it very agreeable; but as soon as the fine + weather brought Madam d’Epinay more frequently to Epinay, or to the + Chervette, I found that attentions, in the first instance natural to me, + but which I had not considered in my scheme, considerably deranged my + projects. I have already observed that Madam d’Epinay had many amiable + qualities; she sincerely loved her friends; served them with zeal; and, + not sparing for them either time or pains, certainly deserved on their + part every attention in return. I had hitherto discharged this duty + without considering it as one, but at length I found that I had given + myself a chain of which nothing but friendship prevented me from feeling + the weight, and this was still aggravated by my dislike to numerous + societies. Madam d’ Epinay took advantage of these circumstances to make + me a proposition seemingly agreeable to me, but which was more so to + herself; this was to let me know when she was alone, or had but little + company. I consented, without perceiving to what a degree I engaged + myself. The consequence was that I no longer visited her at my own hour—but + at hers, and that I never was certain of being master of myself for a day + together. This constraint considerably diminished the pleasure I had in + going to see her. I found the liberty she had so frequently promised was + given me upon no other condition than that of my never enjoying it; and + once or twice when I wished to do this there were so many messages, notes, + and alarms relative to my health, that I perceived that I could have no + excuse but being confined to my bed, for not immediately running to her + upon the first intimation. It was necessary I should submit to this yoke, + and I did it, even more voluntarily than could be expected from so great + an enemy to dependence: the sincere attachment I had to Madam D’Epinay + preventing me, in a great measure, from feeling the inconvenience with + which it was accompanied. She, on her part, filled up, well or ill, the + void which the absence of her usual circle left in her amusements. This + for her was but a very slender supplement, although preferable to absolute + solitude, which she could not support. She had the means of doing it much + more at her ease after she began with literature, and at all events to + write novels, letters, comedies, tales, and other trash of the same kind. + But she was not so much amused in writing these as in reading them; and + she never scribbled over two or three pages—at one sitting—without + being previously assured of having, at least, two or three benevolent + auditors at the end of so much labor. I seldom had the honor of being one + of the chosen few except by means of another. When alone, I was, for the + most part, considered as a cipher in everything; and this not only in the + company of Madam D’Epinay, but in that of M. d’Holbach, and in every place + where Grimm gave the ‘ton’. This nullity was very convenient to me, except + in a tete-a-tete, when I knew not what countenance to put on, not daring + to speak of literature, of which it was not for me to say a word; nor of + gallantry, being too timid, and fearing, more than death, the + ridiculousness of an old gallant; besides that, I never had such an idea + when in the company of Madam D’Epinay, and that it perhaps would never + have occurred to me, had I passed my whole life with her; not that her + person was in the least disagreeable to me; on the contrary, I loved her + perhaps too much as a friend to do it as a lover. I felt a pleasure in + seeing and speaking to her. Her conversation, although agreeable enough in + a mixed company, was uninteresting in private; mine, not more elegant or + entertaining than her own, was no great amusement to her. Ashamed of being + long silent, I endeavored to enliven our tete-a-tete and, although this + frequently fatigued me, I was never disgusted with it. I was happy to show + her little attentions, and gave her little fraternal kisses, which seemed + not to be more sensual to herself; these were all. She was very thin, very + pale, and had a bosom which resembled the back of her hand. This defect + alone would have been sufficient to moderate my most ardent desires; my + heart never could distinguish a woman in a person who had it; and besides + other causes useless to mention, always made me forget the sex of this + lady. + </p> + <p> + Having resolved to conform to an assiduity which was necessary, I + immediately and voluntarily entered upon it, and for the first year at + least, found it less burthensome than I could have expected. Madam + d’Epinay, who commonly passed the summer in the country, continued there + but a part of this; whether she was more detained by her affairs in Paris, + or that the absence of Grimm rendered the residence of the Chevrette less + agreeable to her, I know not. I took the advantage of the intervals of her + absence, or when the company with her was numerous, to enjoy my solitude + with my good Theresa and her mother, in such a manner as to taste all its + charms. Although I had for several years past been frequently in the + country, I seldom had enjoyed much of its pleasures; and these excursions, + always made in company with people who considered themselves as persons of + consequence, and rendered insipid by constraint, served to increase in me + the natural desire I had for rustic pleasures. The want of these was the + more sensible to me as I had the image of them immediately before my eyes. + I was so tired of saloons, jets d’eau, groves, parterres, and of more + fatiguing persons by whom they were shown; so exhausted with pamphlets, + harpsichords, trios, unravellings of plots, stupid bon mots, insipid + affections, pitiful storytellers, and great suppers; that when I gave a + side glance at a poor simple hawthorn bush, a hedge, a barn, or a meadow; + when, in passing through a hamlet, I scented a good chervil omelette, and + heard at a distance the burden of a rustic song of the Bisquieres; I + wished all rouge, furbelows and ambergris at the devil, and envying the + dinner of the good housewife, and the wine of her own vineyard, I heartily + wished to give a slap on the chaps to Monsieur le Chef and Monsieur le + Maitre, who made me dine at the hour of supper, and sup when I should have + been asleep, but especially to Messieurs the lackeys, who devoured with + their eyes the morsel I put into my mouth, and upon pain of my dying with + thirst, sold me the adulterated wine of their master, ten times dearer + than that of a better quality would have cost me at a public house. + </p> + <p> + At length I was settled in an agreeable and solitary asylum, at liberty to + pass there the remainder of my days, in that peaceful, equal, and + independent life for which I felt myself born. Before I relate the effects + this situation, so new to me, had upon my heart, it is proper I should + recapitulate its secret affections, that the reader may better follow in + their causes the progress of these new modifications. + </p> + <p> + I have always considered the day on which I was united to Theresa as that + which fixed my moral existence. An attachment was necessary for me, since + that which should have been sufficient to my heart had been so cruelly + broken. The thirst after happiness is never extinguished in the heart of + man. Mamma was advancing into years, and dishonored herself! I had proofs + that she could never more be happy here below; it therefore remained to me + to seek my own happiness, having lost all hopes of partaking of hers. I + was sometimes irresolute, and fluctuated from one idea to another, and + from project to project. My journey to Venice would have thrown me into + public life, had the man with whom, almost against my inclination, I was + connected there had common sense. I was easily discouraged, especially in + undertakings of length and difficulty. The ill success of this disgusted + me with every other; and, according to my old maxims, considering distant + objects as deceitful allurements, I resolved in future to provide for + immediate wants, seeing nothing in life which could tempt me to make + extraordinary efforts. + </p> + <p> + It was precisely at this time we became acquainted. The mild character of + the good Theresa seemed so fitted to my own, that I united myself to her + with an attachment which neither time nor injuries have been able to + impair, and which has constantly been increased by everything by which it + might have been expected to be diminished. The force of this sentiment + will hereafter appear when I come to speak of the wounds she has given my + heart in the height of my misery, without my ever having, until this + moment, once uttered a word of complaint to any person whatever. + </p> + <p> + When it shall be known, that after having done everything, braved + everything, not to separate from her; that after passing with her twenty + years in despite of fate and men; I have in my old age made her my wife, + without the least expectation or solicitation on her part, or promise or + engagement on mine, the world will think that love bordering upon madness, + having from the first moment turned my head, led me by degrees to the last + act of extravagance; and this will no longer appear doubtful when the + strong and particular reasons which should forever have prevented me from + taking such a step are made known. What, therefore, will the reader think + when I shall have told him, with all the truth he has ever found in me, + that, from the first moment in which I saw her, until that wherein I + write, I have never felt the least love for her, that I never desired to + possess her more than I did to possess Madam de Warens, and that the + physical wants which were satisfied with her person were, to me, solely + those of the sex, and by no means proceeding from the individual? He will + think that, being of a constitution different from that of other men, I + was incapable of love, since this was not one of the sentiments which + attached me to women the most dear to my heart. Patience, O my dear + reader! the fatal moment approaches in which you will be but too much + undeceived. + </p> + <p> + I fall into repetitions; I know it; and these are necessary. The first of + my wants, the greatest, strongest and most insatiable, was wholly in my + heart; the want of an intimate connection, and as intimate as it could + possibly be: for this reason especially, a woman was more necessary to me + than a man, a female rather than a male friend. This singular want was + such that the closest corporal union was not sufficient: two souls would + have been necessary to me in the same body, without which I always felt a + void. I thought I was upon the point of filling it up forever. This young + person, amiable by a thousand excellent qualities, and at that time by her + form, without the shadow of art or coquetry, would have confined within + herself my whole existence, could hers, as I had hoped it would, have been + totally confined to me. I had nothing to fear from men; I am certain of + being the only man she ever really loved and her moderate passions seldom + wanted another, not even after I ceased in this respect to be one to her. + I had no family; she had one; and this family was composed of individuals + whose dispositions were so different from mine, that I could never make it + my own. This was the first cause of my unhappiness. What would I not have + given to be the child of her mother? I did everything in my power to + become so, but could never succeed. I in vain attempted to unite all our + interests: this was impossible. She always created herself one different + from mine, contrary to it, and to that even of her daughter, which already + was no longer separated from it. She, her other children, and + grand-children, became so many leeches, and the least evil these did to + Theresa was robbing her. The poor girl, accustomed to submit, even to her + nieces, suffered herself to be pilfered and governed without saying a + word; and I perceived with grief that by exhausting my purse, and giving + her advice, I did nothing that could be of any real advantage to her. I + endeavored to detach her from her mother; but she constantly resisted such + a proposal. I could not but respect her resistance, and esteemed her the + more for it; but her refusal was not on this account less to the prejudice + of us both. Abandoned to her mother and the rest of her family, she was + more their companion than mine, and rather at their command than mistress + of herself. Their avarice was less ruinous than their advice was + pernicious to her; in fact, if, on account of the love she had for me, + added to her good natural disposition, she was not quite their slave, she + was enough so to prevent in a great measure the effect of the good maxims + I endeavored to instil into her, and, notwithstanding all my efforts, to + prevent our being united. + </p> + <p> + Thus was it, that notwithstanding a sincere and reciprocal attachment, in + which I had lavished all the tenderness of my heart, the void in that + heart was never completely filled. Children, by whom this effect should + have been produced, were brought into the world, but these only made + things worse. I trembled at the thought of intrusting them to a family ill + brought up, to be still worse educated. The risk of the education of the + foundling hospital was much less. This reason for the resolution I took, + much stronger than all those I stated in my letter to Madam de Francueil, + was, however, the only one with which I dared not make her acquainted; I + chose rather to appear less excusable than to expose to reproach the + family of a person I loved. But by the conduct of her wretched brother, + notwithstanding all that can be said in his defence, it will be judged + whether or not I ought to have exposed my children to an education similar + to his. + </p> + <p> + Not having it in my power to taste in all its plentitude the charms of + that intimate connection of which I felt the want, I sought for + substitutes which did not fill up the void, yet they made it less + sensible. Not having a friend entirely devoted to me, I wanted others, + whose impulse should overcome my indolence; for this reason I cultivated + and strengthened my connection with Diderot and the Abbe de Condillac, + formed with Grimm a new one still more intimate, till at length by the + unfortunate discourse, of which I have related some particulars, I + unexpectedly found myself thrown back into a literary circle which I + thought I had quitted forever. + </p> + <p> + My first steps conducted me by a new path to another intellectual world, + the simple and noble economy of which I cannot contemplate without + enthusiasm. I reflected so much on the subject that I soon saw nothing but + error and folly in the doctrine of our sages, and oppression and misery in + our social order. In the illusion of my foolish pride, I thought myself + capable of destroying all imposture; and thinking that, to make myself + listened to, it was necessary my conduct should agree with my principles, + I adopted the singular manner of life which I have not been permitted to + continue, the example of which my pretended friends have never forgiven + me, which at first made me ridiculous, and would at length have rendered + me respectable, had it been possible for me to persevere. + </p> + <p> + Until then I had been good; from that moment I became virtuous, or at + least infatuated with virtue. This infatuation had begun in my head, but + afterwards passed into my heart. The most noble pride there took root + amongst the ruins of extirpated vanity. I affected nothing; I became what + I appeared to be, and during four years at least, whilst this + effervescence continued at its greatest height, there is nothing great and + good that can enter the heart of man, of which I was not capable between + heaven and myself. Hence flowed my sudden eloquence; hence, in my first + writings, that fire really celestial, which consumed me, and whence during + forty years not a single spark had escaped, because it was not yet lighted + up. + </p> + <p> + I was really transformed; my friends and acquaintance scarcely knew me. I + was no longer that timid, and rather bashful than modest man, who neither + dared to present himself, nor utter a word; whom a single pleasantry + disconcerted, and whose face was covered with a blush the moment his eyes + met those of a woman. I became bold, haughty, intrepid, with a confidence + the more firm, as it was simple, and resided in my soul rather than in my + manner. The contempt with which my profound meditations had inspired me + for the manners, maxims and prejudices of the age in which I lived, + rendered me proof against the raillery of those by whom they were + possessed, and I crushed their little pleasantries with a sentence, as I + would have crushed an insect with my fingers. + </p> + <p> + What a change! All Paris repeated the severe and acute sarcasms of the + same man who, two years before, and ten years afterwards, knew not how to + find what he had to say, nor the word he ought to employ. Let the + situation in the world the most contrary to my natural disposition be + sought after, and this will be found. Let one of the short moments of my + life in which I became another man, and ceased to be myself, be + recollected, this also will be found in the time of which I speak; but, + instead of continuing only six days, or six weeks, it lasted almost six + years, and would perhaps still continue, but for the particular + circumstances which caused it to cease, and restored me to nature, above + which I had wished to soar. + </p> + <p> + The beginning of this change took place as soon as I had quitted Paris, + and the sight of the vices of that city no longer kept up the indignation + with which it had inspired me. I no sooner had lost sight of men than I + ceased to despise them, and once removed from those who designed me evil, + my hatred against them no longer existed. My heart, little fitted for + hatred, pitied their misery, and even their wickedness. This situation, + more pleasing but less sublime, soon allayed the ardent enthusiasm by + which I had so long been transported; and I insensibly, almost to myself + even, again became fearful, complaisant and timid; in a word, the same + Jean Jacques I before had been. + </p> + <p> + Had this resolution gone no further than restoring me to myself, all would + have been well; but unfortunately it rapidly carried me away to the other + extreme. From that moment my mind in agitation passed the line of repose, + and its oscillations, continually renewed, have never permitted it to + remain here. I must enter into some detail of this second revolution; + terrible and fatal era, of a fate unparalleled amongst mortals. + </p> + <p> + We were but three persons in our retirement; it was therefore natural our + intimacy should be increased by leisure and solitude. This was the case + between Theresa and myself. We passed in conversations in the shade the + most charming and delightful hours, more so than any I had hitherto + enjoyed. She seemed to taste of this sweet intercourse more than I had + until then observed her to do; she opened her heart, and communicated to + me, relative to her mother and family, things she had had resolution + enough to conceal for a great length of time. Both had received from Madam + Dupin numerous presents, made them on my account, and mostly for me, but + which the cunning old woman, to prevent my being angry, had appropriated + to her own use and that of her other children, without suffering Theresa + to have the least share, strongly forbidding her to say a word to me of + the matter: an order the poor girl had obeyed with an incredible + exactness. + </p> + <p> + But another thing which surprised me more than this had done, was the + discovery that besides the private conversations Diderot and Grimm had + frequently had with both to endeavor to detach them from me, in which, by + means of the resistance of Theresa, they had not been able to succeed, + they had afterwards had frequent conferences with the mother, the subject + of which was a secret to the daughter. However, she knew little presents + had been made, and that there were mysterious goings backward and forward, + the motive of which was entirely unknown to her. When we left Paris, Madam + le Vasseur had long been in the habit of going to see Grimm twice or + thrice a month, and continuing with him for hours together, in + conversation so secret that the servant was always sent out of the room. + </p> + <p> + I judged this motive to be of the same nature with the project into which + they had attempted to make the daughter enter, by promising to procure her + and her mother, by means of Madam d’Epinay, a salt huckster’s license, or + snuff-shop; in a word, by tempting her with the allurements of gain. They + had been told that, as I was not in a situation to do anything for them, I + could not, on their account, do anything for myself. As in all this I saw + nothing but good intentions, I was not absolutely displeased with them for + it. The mystery was the only thing which gave me pain, especially on the + part of the old woman, who moreover daily became more parasitical and + flattering towards me. This, however, did not prevent her from reproaching + her daughter in private with telling me everything, and loving me too + much, observing to her she was a fool and would at length be made a dupe. + </p> + <p> + This woman possessed, to a supreme degree, the art of multiplying the + presents made her, by concealing from one what she received from another, + and from me what she received from all. I could have pardoned her avarice, + but it was impossible I should forgive her dissimulation. What could she + have to conceal from me whose happiness she knew principally consisted in + that of herself and her daughter? What I had done for the daughter I had + done for myself, but the services I rendered the mother merited on her + part some acknowledgment. She ought, at least, to have thought herself + obliged for them to her daughter, and to have loved me for the sake of her + by whom I was already beloved. I had raised her from the lowest state of + wretchedness; she received from my hands the means of subsistence, and was + indebted to me for her acquaintance with the persons from whom she found + means to reap considerable benefit. Theresa had long supported her by her + industry, and now maintained her with my bread. She owed everything to + this daughter, for whom she had done nothing, and her other children, to + whom she had given marriage portions, and on whose account she had ruined + herself, far from giving her the least aid, devoured her substance and + mine. I thought that in such a situation she ought to consider me as her + only friend and most sure protector, and that, far from making of my own + affairs a secret to me, and conspiring against me in my house, it was her + duty faithfully to acquaint me with everything in which I was interested, + when this came to her knowledge before it did to mine. In what light, + therefore, could I consider her false and mysterious conduct? What could I + think of the sentiments with which she endeavored to inspire her daughter? + What monstrous ingratitude was hers, to endeavor to instil it into her + from whom I expected my greatest consolation? + </p> + <p> + These reflections at length alienated my affections from this woman, and + to such a degree that I could no longer look upon her but with contempt. I + nevertheless continued to treat with respect the mother of the friend of + my bosom, and in everything to show her almost the reverence of a son; but + I must confess I could not remain long with her without pain, and that I + never knew how to bear restraint. + </p> + <p> + This is another short moment of my life, in which I approached near to + happiness without being able to attain it, and this by no fault of my own. + Had the mother been of a good disposition we all three should have been + happy to the end of our days; the longest liver only would have been to be + pitied. Instead of which, the reader will see the course things took, and + judge whether or not it was in my power to change it. + </p> + <p> + Madam le Vasseur, who perceived I had got more full possession of the + heart of Theresa, and that she had lost ground with her, endeavored to + regain it; and instead of striving to restore herself to my good opinion + by the mediation of her daughter attempted to alienate her affections from + me. One of the means she employed was to call her family to her aid. I had + begged Theresa not to invite any of her relations to the Hermitage, and + she had promised me she would not. These were sent for in my absence, + without consulting her, and she was afterwards prevailed upon to promise + not to say anything of the matter. After the first step was taken all the + rest were easy. When once we make a secret of anything to the person we + love, we soon make little scruple of doing it in everything; the moment I + was at the Chevrette the Hermitage was full of people who sufficiently + amused themselves. A mother has always great power over a daughter of a + mild disposition; yet notwithstanding all the old woman could do, she was + never able to prevail upon Theresa to enter into her views, nor to + persuade her to join in the league against me. For her part, she resolved + upon doing it forever, and seeing on one side her daughter and myself, who + were in a situation to live, and that was all; on the other, Diderot, + Grimm, D’ Holbach and Madam d’Epinay, who promised great things, and gave + some little ones, she could not conceive it was possible to be in the + wrong with the wife of a farmer-general and baron. Had I been more clear + sighted, I should from this moment have perceived I nourished a serpent in + my bosom. But my blind confidence, which nothing had yet diminished, was + such that I could not imagine she wished to injure the person she ought to + love. Though I saw numerous conspiracies formed on every side, all I + complain of was the tyranny of persons who called themselves my friends, + and who, as it seemed, would force me to be happy in the manner they + should point out, and not in that I had chosen for myself. + </p> + <p> + Although Theresa refused to join in the confederacy with her mother, she + afterwards kept her secret. For this her motive was commendable, although + I will not determine whether she did it well or ill. Two women, who have + secrets between them, love to prattle together; this attracted them + towards each other, and Theresa, by dividing herself, sometimes let me + feel I was alone; for I could no longer consider as a society that which + we all three formed. + </p> + <p> + I now felt the neglect I had been guilty of during the first years of our + connection, in not taking advantage of the docility with which her love + inspired her, to improve her talents and give her knowledge, which, by + more closely connecting us in our retirement would agreeably have filled + up her time and my own, without once suffering us to perceive the length + of a private conversation. Not that this was ever exhausted between us, or + that she seemed disgusted with our walks; but we had not a sufficient + number of ideas common to both to make ourselves a great store, and we + could not incessantly talk of our future projects which were confined to + those of enjoying the pleasures of life. The objects around us inspired me + with reflections beyond the reach of her comprehension. An attachment of + twelve years’ standing had no longer need of words: we were too well + acquainted with each other to have any new knowledge to acquire in that + respect. The resource of puns, jests, gossiping and scandal, was all that + remained. In solitude especially is it, that the advantage of living with + a person who knows how to think is particularly felt. I wanted not this + resource to amuse myself with her; but she would have stood in need of it + to have always found amusement with me. The worst of all was our being + obliged to hold our conversations when we could; her mother, who become + importunate, obliged me to watch for opportunities to do it. I was under + constraint in my own house: this is saying everything; the air of love was + prejudicial to good friendship. We had an intimate intercourse without + living in intimacy. + </p> + <p> + The moment I thought I perceived that Theresa sometimes sought for a + pretext to elude the walks I proposed to her, I ceased to invite her to + accompany me, without being displeased with her for not finding in them so + much amusement as I did. Pleasure is not a thing which depends upon the + will. I was sure of her heart, and the possession of this was all I + desired. As long as my pleasures were hers, I tasted of them with her; + when this ceased to be the case I preferred her contentment to my own. + </p> + <p> + In this manner it was that, half deceived in my expectation, leading a + life after my own heart, in a residence I had chosen with a person who was + dear to me, I at length found myself almost alone. What I still wanted + prevented me from enjoying what I had. With respect to happiness and + enjoyment, everything or nothing, was what was necessary to me. The reason + of these observations will hereafter appear. At present I return to the + thread of my narrative. + </p> + <p> + I imagined that I possessed treasures in the manuscripts given me by the + Comte de St. Pierre. On examination I found they were a little more than + the collection of the printed works of his uncle, with notes and + corrections by his own hand, and a few other trifling fragments which had + not yet been published. I confirmed myself by these moral writings in the + idea I had conceived from some of his letters, shown me by Madam de + Crequi, that he had more sense and ingenuity than at first I had imagined; + but after a careful examination of his political works, I discerned + nothing but superficial notions, and projects that were useful but + impracticable, in consequence of the idea from which the author never + could depart, that men conducted themselves by their sagacity rather than + by their passions. The high opinion he had of the knowledge of the moderns + had made him adopt this false principle of improved reason, the basis of + all the institutions he proposed, and the source of his political + sophisms. This extraordinary man, an honor to the age in which he lived, + and to the human species, and perhaps the only person, since the creation + of mankind, whose sole passion was that of reason, wandered in all his + systems from error to error, by attempting to make men like himself, + instead of taking them as they were, are, and will continue to be. He + labored for imaginary beings, while he thought himself employed for the + benefit of his contemporaries. + </p> + <p> + All these things considered, I was rather embarrassed as to the form I + should give to my work. To suffer the author’s visions to pass was doing + nothing useful; fully to refute them would have been unpolite, as the care + of revising and publishing his manuscripts, which I had accepted, and even + requested, had been intrusted to me; this trust had imposed on me the + obligation of treating the author honorably. I at length concluded upon + that which to me appeared the most decent, judicious, and useful. This was + to give separately my own ideas and those of the author, and, for this + purpose, to enter into his views, to set them in a new light, to amplify, + extend them, and spare nothing which might contribute to present them in + all their excellence. + </p> + <p> + My work therefore was to be composed of two parts absolutely distinct: + one, to explain, in the manner I have just mentioned, the different + projects of the author; in the other, which was not to appear until the + first had had its effect, I should have given my opinion upon these + projects, which I confess might sometimes have exposed them to the fate of + the sonnet of the misanthrope. At the head of the whole was to have been + the life of the author. For this I had collected some good materials, and + which I flattered myself I should not spoil in making use of them. I had + been a little acquainted with the Abbe de St. Pierre, in his old age, and + the veneration I had for his memory warranted to me, upon the whole, that + the comte would not be dissatisfied with the manner in which I should have + treated his relation. + </p> + <p> + I made my first essay on the ‘Perpetual Peace’, the greatest and most + elaborate of all the works which composed the collection; and before I + abandoned myself to my reflections I had the courage to read everything + the abbe had written upon this fine subject, without once suffering myself + to be disgusted either by his slowness or his repetitions. The public has + seen the extract, on which account I have nothing to say upon the subject. + My opinion of it has not been printed, nor do I know that it ever will be; + however, it was written at the same time the extract was made. From this I + passed to the ‘Polysynodie’, or Plurality of Councils, a work written + under the regent to favor the administration he had chosen, and which + caused the Abbe de Saint Pierre to be expelled from the academy, on + account of some remarks unfavorable to the preceding administration, and + with which the Duchess of Maine and the Cardinal de Polignac were + displeased. I completed this work as I did the former, with an extract and + remarks; but I stopped here without intending to continue the undertaking + which I ought never to have begun. + </p> + <p> + The reflection which induced me to give it up naturally presents itself, + and it was astonishing I had not made it sooner. + </p> + <p> + Most of the writings of the Abbe de Saint Pierre were either observations, + or contained observations, on some parts of the government of France, and + several of these were of so free a nature, that it was happy for him he + had made them with impunity. But in the offices of all the ministers of + state the Abbe de St. Pierre had ever been considered as a kind of + preacher rather than a real politician, and he was suffered to say what he + pleased, because it appeared that nobody listened to him. Had I procured + him readers the case would have been different. He was a Frenchman, and I + was not one; and by repeating his censures, although in his own name, I + exposed myself to be asked, rather rudely, but without injustice, what it + was with which I meddled. Happily before I proceeded any further, I + perceived the hold I was about to give the government against me, and I + immediately withdrew. I knew that, living alone in the midst of men more + powerful than myself, I never could by any means whatever be sheltered + from the injury they chose to do me. There was but one thing which + depended upon my own efforts: this was, to observe such a line of conduct + that whenever they chose to make me feel the weight of authority they + could not do it without being unjust. The maxim which induced me to + decline proceeding with the works of the Abbe de Saint Pierre, has + frequently made me give up projects I had much more at heart. People who + are always ready to construe adversity into a crime, would be much + surprised were they to know the pains I have taken, that during my + misfortunes it might never with truth be said of me, Thou hast deserved + them. + </p> + <p> + After having given up the manuscript, I remained some time without + determining upon the work which should succeed it, and this interval of + inactivity was destructive; by permitting me to turn my reflections on + myself, for want of another object to engage my attention. I had no + project for the future which could amuse my imagination. It was not even + possible to form any, as my situation was precisely that in which all my + desires were united. I had not another to conceive, and yet there was a + void in my heart. This state was the more cruel, as I saw no other that + was to be preferred to it. I had fixed my most tender affections upon a + person who made me a return of her own. I lived with her without + constraint, and, so to speak, at discretion. Notwithstanding this, a + secret grief of mind never quitted me for a moment, either when she was + present or absent. In possessing Theresa, I still perceived she wanted + something to her happiness; and the sole idea of my not being everything + to her had such an effect upon my mind that she was next to nothing to me. + </p> + <p> + I had friends of both sexes, to whom I was attached by the purest + friendship and most perfect esteem; I depended upon a real return on their + part, and a doubt of their sincerity never entered my mind; yet this + friendship was more tormenting than agreeable to me, by their obstinate + perseverance and even by their affectation, in opposing my taste, + inclinations and manner of living; and this to such a degree, that the + moment I seemed to desire a thing which interested myself only, and + depended not upon them, they immediately joined their efforts to oblige me + to renounce it. This continued desire to control me in all my wishes, the + more unjust, as I did not so much as make myself acquainted with theirs, + became so cruelly oppressive, that I never received one of their letters + without feeling a certain terror as I opened it, and which was but too + well justified by the contents. I thought being treated like a child by + persons younger than myself, and who, of themselves, stood in great need + of the advice they so prodigally bestowed on me, was too much: “Love me,” + said I to them, “as I love you, but, in every other respect, let my + affairs be as indifferent to you, as yours are to me: this is all I ask.” + If they granted me one of these two requests, it was not the latter. + </p> + <p> + I had a retired residence in a charming solitude, was master of my own + house, and could live in it in the manner I thought proper, without being + controlled by any person. This habitation imposed on me duties agreeable + to discharge, but which were indispensable. My liberty was precarious. In + a greater state of subjection than a person at the command of another, it + was my duty to be so by inclination. When I arose in the morning, I never + could say to myself, I will employ this day as I think proper. And, + moreover, besides my being subject to obey the call of Madam d’Epinay, I + was exposed to the still more disagreeable importunities of the public and + chance comers. The distance I was at from Paris did not prevent crowds of + idlers, not knowing how to spend their time, from daily breaking in upon + me, and, without the least scruple, freely disposing of mine. When I least + expected visitors I was unmercifully assailed by them, and I seldom made a + plan for the agreeable employment of the day that was not counteracted by + the arrival of some stranger. + </p> + <p> + In short, finding no real enjoyment in the midst of the pleasures I had + been most desirous to obtain, I, by sudden mental transitions, returned in + imagination to the serene days of my youth, and sometimes exclaimed with a + sigh: “Ah! this is not Les Charmettes!” + </p> + <p> + The recollection of the different periods of my life led me to reflect + upon that at which I was arrived, and I found I was already on the + decline, a prey to painful disorders, and imagined I was approaching the + end of my days without having, tasted, in all its plentitude, scarcely any + one of the pleasures after which my heart had so much thirsted, or having + given scope to the lively sentiments I felt it had in reserve. I had not + favored even that intoxicating voluptuousness with which my mind was + richly stored, and which, for want of an object, was always compressed, + and never exhaled but by signs. + </p> + <p> + How was it possible that, with a mind naturally expansive, I, with whom to + live was to love, should not hitherto have found a friend entirely devoted + to me; a real friend: I who felt myself so capable of being such a friend + to another? How can it be accounted for that with such warm affections, + such combustible senses, and a heart wholly made up of love, I had not + once, at least, felt its flame for a determinate object? Tormented by the + want of loving, without ever having been able to satisfy it, I perceived + myself approaching the eve of old age, and hastening on to death without + having lived. + </p> + <p> + These melancholy but affecting recollections led me to others, which, + although accompanied with regret, were not wholly unsatisfactory. I + thought something I had not yet received was still due to me from destiny. + </p> + <p> + To what end was I born with exquisite faculties? To suffer them to remain + unemployed? the sentiment of conscious merit, which made me consider + myself as suffering injustice, was some kind of reparation, and caused me + to shed tears which with pleasure I suffered to flow. + </p> + <p> + These were my mediations during the finest season of the year, in the + month of June, in cool shades, to the songs of the nightingale, and the + warbling of brooks. Everything concurred in plunging me into that too + seducing state of indolence for which I was born, and from which my + austere manner, proceeding from a long effervescence, should forever have + delivered me. I unfortunately remembered the dinner of the Chateau de + Toune, and my meeting with the two charming girls in the same season, in + places much resembling that in which I then was. The remembrance of these + circumstances, which the innocence that accompanied them rendered to me + still more dear, brought several others of the nature to my recollection. + I presently saw myself surrounded by all the objects which, in my youth, + had given me emotion. Mademoiselle Galley, Mademoiselle de Graffenried, + Mademoiselle de Breil, Madam Basile, Madam de Larnage, my pretty scholars, + and even the bewitching Zulietta, whom my heart could not forget. I found + myself in the midst of a seraglio of houris of my old acquaintance, for + whom the most lively inclination was not new to me. My blood became + inflamed, my head turned, notwithstanding my hair was almost gray, and the + grave citizen of Geneva, the austere Jean Jacques, at forty-five years of + age, again became the fond shepherd. The intoxication, with which my mind + was seized, although sudden and extravagant, was so strong and lasting, + that, to enable me to recover from it, nothing less than the unforeseen + and terrible crisis it brought on was necessary. + </p> + <p> + This intoxication, to whatever degree it was carried, went not so far as + to make me forget my age and situation, to flatter me that I could still + inspire love, nor to make me attempt to communicate the devouring flame by + which ever since my youth I had felt my heart in vain consumed. For this I + did not hope; I did not even desire it. I knew the season of love was + past; I knew too well in what contempt the ridiculous pretensions of + superannuated gallants were held, ever to add one to the number, and I was + not a man to become an impudent coxcomb in the decline of life, after + having been so little such during the flower of my age. Besides, as a + friend to peace, I should have been apprehensive of domestic dissensions; + and I too sincerely loved Theresa to expose her to the mortification of + seeing me entertain for others more lively sentiments than those with + which she inspired me for herself. + </p> + <p> + What step did I take upon this occasion? My reader will already have + guessed it, if he has taken the trouble to pay the least attention to my + narrative. The impossibility of attaining real beings threw me into the + regions of chimera, and seeing nothing in existence worthy of my delirium, + I sought food for it in the ideal world, which my imagination quickly + peopled with beings after my own heart. This resource never came more + apropos, nor was it ever so fertile. In my continual ecstasy I intoxicated + my mind with the most delicious sentiments that ever entered the heart of + man. Entirely forgetting the human species, I formed to myself societies + of perfect beings, whose virtues were as celestial as their beauty, tender + and faithful friends, such as I never found here below. I became so fond + of soaring in the empyrean, in the midst of the charming objects with + which I was surrounded, that I thus passed hours and days without + perceiving it; and, losing the remembrance of all other things, I scarcely + had eaten a morsel in haste before I was impatient to make my escape and + run to regain my groves. When ready to depart for the enchanted world, I + saw arrive wretched mortals who came to detain me upon earth, I could + neither conceal nor moderate my vexation; and no longer master of myself, + I gave them so uncivil a reception, that it might justly be termed brutal. + This tended to confirm my reputation as a misanthrope, from the very cause + which, could the world have read my heart, should have acquired me one of + a nature directly opposite. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of my exultation I was pulled down like a paper kite, and + restored to my proper place by means of a smart attack of my disorder. I + recurred to the only means that had before given me relief, and thus made + a truce with my angelic amours; for besides that it seldom happens that a + man is amorous when he suffers, my imagination, which is animated in the + country and beneath the shade of trees, languishes and becomes + extinguished in a chamber, and under the joists of a ceiling. I frequently + regretted that there existed no dryads; it would certainly have been + amongst these that I should have fixed my attachment. + </p> + <p> + Other domestic broils came at the same time to increase my chagrin. Madam + le Vasseur, while making me the finest compliments in the world, alienated + from me her daughter as much as she possibly could. I received letters + from my late neighborhood, informing me that the good old lady had + secretly contracted several debts in the name of Theresa, to whom these + became known, but of which she had never mentioned to me a word. The debts + to be paid hurt me much less than the secret that had been made of them. + How could she, for whom I had never had a secret, have one from me? Is it + possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love? The ‘Coterie + Holbachique’, who found I never made a journey to Paris, began seriously + to be afraid I was happy and satisfied in the country, and madman enough + to reside there. + </p> + <p> + Hence the cabals by which attempts were made to recall me indirectly to + the city. Diderot, who did not immediately wish to show himself, began by + detaching from me De Leyre, whom I had brought acquainted with him, and + who received and transmitted to me the impressions Diderot chose to give + without suspecting to what end they were directed. + </p> + <p> + Everything seemed to concur in withdrawing me from my charming and mad + reverie. I was not recovered from the late attack I had when I received + the copy of the poem on the destruction of Lisbon, which I imagined to be + sent by the author. This made it necessary I should write to him and speak + of his composition. I did so, and my letter was a long time afterwards + printed without my consent, as I shall hereafter have occasion to remark. + </p> + <p> + Struck by seeing this poor man overwhelmed, if I may so speak, with + prosperity and honor, bitterly exclaiming against the miseries of this + life, and finding everything to be wrong, I formed the mad project of + making him turn his attention to himself, and of proving to him that + everything was right. Voltaire, while he appeared to believe in God, never + really believed in anything but the devil; since his pretended deity is a + malicious being, who, according to him, had no pleasure but in evil. The + glaring absurdity of this doctrine is particularly disgusting from a man + enjoying the greatest prosperity; who, from the bosom of happiness, + endeavors, by the frightful and cruel image of all the calamities from + which he is exempt, to reduce his fellow creatures to despair. I, who had + a better right than he to calculate and weigh all the evils of human life, + impartially examined them, and proved to him that of all possible evils + there was not one to be attributed to Providence, and which had not its + source rather in the abusive use man made of his faculties than in nature. + I treated him, in this letter, with the greatest respect and delicacy + possible. Yet, knowing his self-love to be extremely irritable, I did not + send the letter immediately to himself, but to Doctor Tronchin, his + physician and friend, with full power either to give it him or destroy it. + Voltaire informed me in a few lines that being ill, having likewise the + care of a sick person, he postponed his answer until some future day, and + said not a word on the subject. Tronchin, when he sent me the letter, + inclosed in it another, in which he expressed but very little esteem for + the person from whom he received it. + </p> + <p> + I have never published, nor even shown, either of these two letters, not + liking to make a parade of such little triumphs; but the originals are in + my collections. Since that time Voltaire has published the answer he + promised me, but which I never received. This is the novel of ‘Candide’, + of which I cannot speak because I have not read it. + </p> + <p> + All these interruptions ought to have cured me of my fantastic amours, and + they were perhaps the means offered me by Heaven to prevent their + destructive consequences; but my evil genius prevailed, and I had scarcely + begun to go out before my heart, my head, and my feet returned to the same + paths. I say the same in certain respects; for my ideas, rather less + exalted, remained this time upon earth, but yet were busied in making so + exquisite a choice of all that was to be found there amiable of every + kind, that it was not much less chimerical than the imaginary world I had + abandoned. + </p> + <p> + I figured to myself love and friendship, the two idols of my heart, under + the most ravishing images. I amused myself in adorning them with all the + charms of the sex I had always adored. I imagined two female friends + rather than two of my own sex, because, although the example be more rare, + it is also more amiable. I endowed them with different characters, but + analogous to their connection, with two faces, not perfectly beautiful, + but according to my taste, and animated with benevolence and sensibility. + I made one brown and the other fair, one lively and the other languishing, + one wise and the other weak, but of so amiable a weakness that it seemed + to add a charm to virtue. I gave to one of the two a lover, of whom the + other was the tender friend, and even something more, but I did not admit + either rivalry, quarrels, or jealousy: because every painful sentiment is + painful for me to imagine, and I was unwilling to tarnish this delightful + picture by anything which was degrading to nature. Smitten with my two + charming models, I drew my own portrait in the lover and the friend, as + much as it was possible to do it; but I made him young and amiable, giving + him, at the same time, the virtues and the defects which I felt in myself. + </p> + <p> + That I might place my characters in a residence proper for them, I + successively passed in review the most beautiful places I had seen in my + travels. But I found no grove sufficiently delightful, no landscape that + pleased me. The valleys of Thessaly would have satisfied me had I but once + had a sight of them; but my imagination, fatigued with invention, wished + for some real place which might serve it as a point to rest upon, and + create in me an illusion with respect to the real existence of the + inhabitants I intended to place there. I thought a good while upon the + Borromean Islands, the delightful prospect of which had transported me, + but I found in them too much art and ornament for my lovers. I however + wanted a lake, and I concluded by making choice of that about which my + heart has never ceased to wander. I fixed myself upon that part of the + banks of this lake where my wishes have long since placed my residence in + the imaginary happiness to which fate has confined me. The native place of + my poor mamma had still for me a charm. The contrast of the situations, + the richness and variety of the sites, the magnificence, the majesty of + the whole, which ravishes the senses, affects the heart, and elevates the + mind, determined me to give it the preference, and I placed my young + pupils at Vervey. This is what I imagined at the first sketch; the rest + was not added until afterwards. + </p> + <p> + I for a long time confined myself to this vague plan, because it was + sufficient to fill my imagination with agreeable objects, and my heart + with sentiments in which it delighted. These fictions, by frequently + presenting themselves, at length gained a consistence, and took in my mind + a determined form. I then had an inclination to express upon paper some of + the situations fancy presented to me, and, recollecting everything I had + felt during my youth, thus, in some measure, gave an object to that desire + of loving, which I had never been able to satisfy, and by which I felt + myself consumed. + </p> + <p> + I first wrote a few incoherent letters, and when I afterwards wished to + give them connection, I frequently found a difficulty in doing it. What is + scarcely credible, although most strictly true, is my having written the + first two parts almost wholly in this manner, without having any plan + formed, and not foreseeing I should one day be tempted to make it a + regular work. For this reason the two parts afterwards formed of materials + not prepared for the place in which they are disposed, are full of + unmeaning expressions not found in the others. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of my reveries I had a visit from Madam d’Houdetot, the first + she had ever made me, but which unfortunately was not the last, as will + hereafter appear. The Comtesse d’Houdetot was the daughter of the late M. + de Bellegarde, a farmer-general, sister to M. d’Epinay, and Messieurs de + Lalive and De la Briche, both of whom have since been introductors to + ambassadors. I have spoken of the acquaintance I made with her before she + was married: since that event I had not seen her, except at the fetes at + La Chevrette, with Madam d’Epinay, her sister-in-law. Having frequently + passed several days with her, both at La Chevrette and Epinay, I always + thought her amiable, and that she seemed to be my well-wisher. She was + fond of walking with me; we were both good walkers, and the conversation + between us was inexhaustible. However, I never went to see her in Paris, + although she had several times requested and solicited me to do it. Her + connections with M. de St. Lambert, with whom I began to be intimate, + rendered her more interesting to me, and it was to bring me some account + of that friend who was, I believe, then at Mahon, that she came to see me + at the Hermitage. + </p> + <p> + This visit had something of the appearance of the beginning of a romance. + She lost her way. Her coachman, quitting the road, which turned to the + right, attempted to cross straight over from the mill of Clairvaux to the + Hermitage: her carriage stuck in a quagmire in the bottom of the valley, + and she got out and walked the rest of the road. Her delicate shoes were + soon worn through; she sunk into the dirt, her servants had the greatest + difficulty in extricating her, and she at length arrived at the Hermitage + in boots, making the place resound with her laughter, in which I most + heartily joined. She had to change everything. Theresa provided her with + what was necessary, and I prevailed upon her to forget her dignity and + partake of a rustic collation, with which she seemed highly satisfied. It + was late, and her stay was short; but the interview was so mirthful that + it pleased her, and she seemed disposed to return. She did not however put + this project into execution until the next year: but, alas! the delay was + not favorable to me in anything. + </p> + <p> + I passed the autumn in an employment no person would suspect me of + undertaking: this was guarding the fruit of M. d’Epinay. The Hermitage was + the reservoir of the waters of the park of the Chevrette; there was a + garden walled round and planted with espaliers and other trees, which + produced M. d’Epinay more fruit than his kitchen-garden at the Chevrette, + although three-fourths of it were stolen from him. That I might not be a + guest entirely useless, I took upon myself the direction of the garden and + the inspection of the conduct of the gardener. Everything went on well + until the fruit season, but as this became ripe, I observed that it + disappeared without knowing in what manner it was disposed of. The + gardener assured me it was the dormice which eat it all. I destroyed a + great number of these animals, notwithstanding which the fruit still + diminished. I watched the gardener’s motions so narrowly, that I found he + was the great dormouse. He lodged at Montmorency, whence he came in the + night with his wife and children to take away the fruit he had concealed + in the daytime, and which he sold in the market at Paris as publicly as if + he had brought it from a garden of his own. The wretch whom I loaded with + kindness, whose children were clothed by Theresa, and whose father, who + was a beggar, I almost supported, robbed us with as much ease as + effrontery, not one of the three being sufficiently vigilant to prevent + him: and one night he emptied my cellar. + </p> + <p> + Whilst he seemed to address himself to me only, I suffered everything, but + being desirous of giving an account of the fruit, I was obliged to declare + by whom a great part of it had been stolen. Madam d’Epinay desired me to + pay and discharge him, and look out for another; I did so. As this rascal + rambled about the Hermitage in the night, armed with a thick club staff + with an iron ferrule, and accompanied by other villains like himself, to + relieve the governesses from their fears, I made his successor sleep in + the house with us; and this not being sufficient to remove their + apprehensions, I sent to ask M. d’Epinay for a musket, which I kept in the + chamber of the gardener, with a charge not to make use of it except an + attempt was made to break open the door or scale the walls of the garden, + and to fire nothing but powder, meaning only to frighten the thieves. This + was certainly the least precaution a man indisposed could take for the + common safety of himself and family, having to pass the winter in the + midst of a wood, with two timid women. I also procured a little dog to + serve as a sentinel. De Leyre coming to see me about this time, I related + to him my situation, and we laughed together at my military apparatus. At + his return to Paris he wished to amuse Diderot with the story, and by this + means the ‘Coterie d’Holbachique’ learned that I was seriously resolved to + pass the winter at the Hermitage. This perseverance, of which they had not + imagined me to be capable, disconcerted them, and, until they could think + of some other means of making my residence disagreeable to me, they sent + back, by means of Diderot, the same De Leyre, who, though at first he had + thought my precautions quite natural, now pretended to discover that they + were inconsistent with my principles, and styled them more than ridiculous + in his letters, in which he overwhelmed me with pleasantries sufficiently + bitter and satirical to offend me had I been the least disposed to take + offence. But at that time being full of tender and affectionate + sentiments, and not susceptible of any other, I perceived in his biting + sarcasms nothing more than a jest, and believed him only jocose when + others would have thought him mad. + </p> + <p> + By my care and vigilance I guarded the garden so well, that, although + there had been but little fruit that year the produce was triple that of + the preceding years; it is true, I spared no pains to preserve it, and I + went so far as to escort what I sent to the Chevrette and to Epinay, and + to carry baskets of it myself. The aunt and I carried one of these, which + was so heavy that we were obliged to rest at every dozen steps, and which + we arrived with it we were quite wet with perspiration. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the bad season began to confine me to the house, I wished to + return to my indolent amusements, but this I found impossible. I had + everywhere two charming female friends before my eyes, their friend, + everything by which they were surrounded, the country they inhabited, and + the objects created or embellished for them by my imagination. I was no + longer myself for a moment, my delirium never left me. After many useless + efforts to banish all fictions from my mind, they at length seduced me, + and my future endeavors were confined to giving them order and coherence, + for the purpose of converting them into a species of novel. + </p> + <p> + What embarrassed me most was, that I had contradicted myself so openly and + fully. After the severe principles I had just so publicly asserted, after + the austere maxims I had so loudly preached, and my violent invectives + against books which breathed nothing but effeminacy and love, could + anything be less expected or more extraordinary, than to see me, with my + own hand, write my name in the list of authors of those books I had so + severely censured? I felt this incoherence in all its extent. I reproached + myself with it, I blushed at it and was vexed; but all this could not + bring me back to reason. Completely overcome, I was at all risks obliged + to submit, and to resolve to brave whatever the world might say of it. + Except only deliberating afterwards whether or not I should show my work, + for I did not yet suppose I should ever determine to publish it. + </p> + <p> + This resolution taken, I entirely abandoned myself to my reveries, and, by + frequently resolving these in my mind, formed with them the kind of plan + of which the execution has been seen. This was certainly the greatest + advantage that could be drawn from my follies; the love of good which has + never once been effaced from my heart, turned them towards useful objects, + the moral of which might have produced its good effects. My voluptuous + descriptions would have lost all their graces, had they been devoid of the + coloring of innocence. + </p> + <p> + A weak girl is an object of pity, whom love may render interesting, and + who frequently is not therefore the less amiable; but who can see without + indignation the manners of the age; and what is more disgusting than the + pride of an unchaste wife, who, openly treading under foot every duty, + pretends that her husband ought to be grateful for her unwillingness to + suffer herself to be taken in the fact? Perfect beings are not in nature, + and their examples are not near enough to us. But whoever says that the + description of a young person born with good dispositions, and a heart + equally tender and virtuous, who suffers herself, when a girl, to be + overcome by love, and when a woman, has resolution enough to conquer in + her turn, is upon the whole scandalous and useless, is a liar and a + hypocrite; hearken not to him. + </p> + <p> + Besides this object of morality and conjugal chastity which is radically + connected with all social order, I had in view one more secret in behalf + of concord and public peace, a greater, and perhaps more important object + in itself, at least for the moment for which it was created. The storm + brought on by the ‘Encyclopedie’, far from being appeased, was at the time + at its height. Two parties exasperated against each other to the last + degree of fury soon resembled enraged wolves, set on for their mutual + destruction, rather than Christians and philosophers, who had a reciprocal + wish to enlighten and convince each other, and lead their brethren to the + way of truth. Perhaps nothing more was wanting to each party than a few + turbulent chiefs, who possessed a little power, to make this quarrel + terminate in a civil war; and God only knows what a civil war of religion + founded on each side upon the most cruel intolerance would have produced. + Naturally an enemy to all spirit of party, I had freely spoken severe + truths to each, of which they had not listened. I thought of another + expedient, which, in my simplicity, appeared to me admirable: this was to + abate their reciprocal hatred by destroying their prejudices, and showing + to each party the virtue and merit which in the other was worthy of public + esteem and respect. This project, little remarkable for its wisdom, which + supported sincerity in mankind, and whereby I fell into the error with + which I reproached the Abbe de Saint Pierre, had the success that was to + be expected from it: it drew together and united the parties for no other + purpose than that of crushing the author. Until experience made me + discover my folly, I gave my attention to it with a zeal worthy of the + motive by which I was inspired; and I imagined the two characters of + Wolmar and Julia in an ecstasy, which made me hope to render them both + amiable, and, what is still more, by means of each other. + </p> + <p> + Satisfied with having made a rough sketch of my plan, I returned to the + situations in detail, which I had marked out; and from the arrangement I + gave them resulted the first two parts of the Eloisa, which I finished + during the winter with inexpressible pleasure, procuring gilt-paper to + receive a fair copy of them, azure and silver powder to dry the writing, + and blue narrow ribbon to tack my sheets together; in a word, I thought + nothing sufficiently elegant and delicate for my two charming girls, of + whom, like another Pygmalion, I became madly enamoured. Every evening, by + the fireside, I read the two parts to the governesses. The daughter, + without saying a word, was like myself moved to tenderness, and we mingled + our sighs; her mother, finding there were no compliments, understood + nothing of the matter, remained unmoved, and at the intervals when I was + silent always repeated: “Sir, that is very fine.” + </p> + <p> + Madam d’Epinay, uneasy at my being alone, in winter, in a solitary house, + in the midst of woods, often sent to inquire after my health. I never had + such real proofs of her friendship for me, to which mine never more fully + answered. It would be wrong in me were not I, among these proofs, to make + special mention of her portrait, which she sent me, at the same time + requesting instructions from me in what manner she might have mine, + painted by La Tour, and which had been shown at the exhibition. I ought + equally to speak of another proof of her attention to me, which, although + it be laughable, is a feature in the history of my character, on account + of the impression received from it. One day when it froze to an extreme + degree, in opening a packet she had sent me of several things I had + desired her to purchase for me, I found a little under-petticoat of + English flannel, which she told me she had worn, and desired I would make + of it an under-waistcoat. + </p> + <p> + This care, more than friendly, appeared to me so tender, and as if she had + stripped herself to clothe me, that in my emotion I repeatedly kissed, + shedding tears at the same time, both the note and the petticoat. Theresa + thought me mad. It is singular that of all the marks of friendship Madam + d’Epinay ever showed me this touched me the most, and that ever since our + rupture I have never recollected it without being very sensibly affected. + I for a long time preserved her little note, and it would still have been + in my possession had not it shared the fate of my other notes received at + the same period. + </p> + <p> + Although my disorder then gave me but little respite in winter, and a part + of the interval was employed in seeking relief from pain, this was still + upon the whole the season which since my residence in France I had passed + with most pleasure and tranquillity. During four or five months, whilst + the bad weather sheltered me from the interruptions of importunate visits, + I tasted to a greater degree than I had ever yet or have since done, of + that equal simple and independent life, the enjoyment of which still made + it more desirable to me; without any other company than the two + governesses in reality, and the two female cousins in idea. It was then + especially that I daily congratulated myself upon the resolution I had had + the good sense to take, unmindful of the clamors of my friends, who were + vexed at seeing me delivered from their tyranny; and when I heard of the + attempt of a madman, when De Leyre and Madam d’Epinay spoke to me in + letters of the trouble and agitation which reigned in Paris, how thankful + was I to Heaven for having placed me at a distance from all such + spectacles of horror and guilt. These would have been continued and + increased the bilious humor which the sight of public disorders had given + me; whilst seeing nothing around me in my retirement but gay and pleasing + objects, my heart was wholly abandoned to sentiments which were amiable. + </p> + <p> + I remark here with pleasure the course of the last peaceful moments that + were left me. The spring succeeding to this winter, which had been so + calm, developed the germ of the misfortunes I have yet to describe; in the + tissue of which, a like interval, wherein I had leisure to respite, will + not be found. + </p> + <p> + I think however, I recollect, that during this interval of peace, and in + the bosom of my solitude, I was not quite undisturbed by the Holbachiens. + Diderot stirred me up some strife, and I am much deceived if it was not in + the course of this winter that the ‘Fils Naturel’—[Natural Son]—of + which I shall soon have occasion to speak, made its appearance. + Independently of the causes which left me but few papers relative to that + period, those even which I have been able to preserve are not very exact + with respect to dates. Diderot never dated his letters—Madam + d’Epinay and Madam d’ Houdetot seldom dated theirs except the day of the + week, and De Leyre mostly confined himself to the same rules. When I was + desirous of putting these letters in order I was obliged to supply what + was wanting by guessing at dates, so uncertain that I cannot depend upon + them. Unable therefore to fix with certainty the beginning of these + quarrels, I prefer relating in one subsequent article everything I can + recollect concerning them. + </p> + <p> + The return of spring had increased my amorous delirium, and in my + melancholy, occasioned by the excess of my transports, I had composed for + the last parts of Eloisa several letters, wherein evident marks of the + rapture in which I wrote them are found. Amongst others I may quote those + from the Elysium, and the excursion upon the lake, which, if my memory + does not deceive me, are at the end of the fourth part. Whoever, in + reading these letters, does not feel his heart soften and melt into the + tenderness by which they were dictated, ought to lay down the book: nature + has refused him the means of judging of sentiment. + </p> + <p> + Precisely at the same time I received a second unforeseen visit from Madam + d’Houdetot, in the absence of her husband, who was captain of the + Gendarmarie, and of her lover, who was also in the service. She had come + to Eaubonne, in the middle of the Valley of Montmorency, where she had + taken a pretty house, from thence she made a new excursion to the + Hermitage. She came on horseback, and dressed in men’s clothes. Although I + am not very fond of this kind of masquerade, I was struck with the + romantic appearance she made, and, for once, it was with love. As this was + the first and only time in all my life, the consequence of which will + forever render it terrible to my remembrance, I must take the permission + to enter into some particulars on the subject. + </p> + <p> + The Countess d’Houdetot was nearly thirty years of age, and not handsome; + her face was marked with the smallpox, her complexion coarse, she was + short-sighted, and her eyes were rather round; but she had fine long black + hair, which hung down in natural curls below her waist; her figure was + agreeable, and she was at once both awkward and graceful in her motions; + her wit was natural and pleasing; to this gayety, heedlessness and + ingenuousness were perfectly suited: she abounded in charming sallies, + after which she so little sought, that they sometimes escaped her lips in + spite of herself. She possessed several agreeable talents, played the + harpsichord, danced well, and wrote pleasing poetry. Her character was + angelic—this was founded upon a sweetness of mind, and except + prudence and fortitude, contained in it every virtue. She was besides so + much to be depended upon in all intercourse, so faithful in society, even + her enemies were not under the necessity of concealing from her their + secrets. I mean by her enemies the men, or rather the women, by whom she + was not beloved; for as to herself she had not a heart capable of hatred, + and I am of opinion this conformity with mine greatly contributed towards + inspiring me with a passion for her. In confidence of the most intimate + friendship, I never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent, not + even of her sister-in-law. She could neither conceal her thoughts from + anyone, nor disguise any of her sentiments, and I am persuaded she spoke + of her lover to her husband, as she spoke of him to her friends and + acquaintances, and to everybody without distinction of persons. What + proved, beyond all manner of doubt, the purity and sincerity of her nature + was, that subject to very extraordinary absences of mind, and the most + laughable inconsiderateness, she was often guilty of some very imprudent + ones with respect to herself, but never in the least offensive to any + person whatsoever. + </p> + <p> + She had been married very young and against her inclinations to the Comte + d’Houdetot, a man of fashion, and a good officer; but a man who loved play + and chicane, who was not very amiable, and whom she never loved. She found + in M. de Saint Lambert all the merit of her husband, with more agreeable + qualities of mind, joined with virtue and talents. If anything in the + manners of the age can be pardoned, it is an attachment which duration + renders more pure, to which its effects do honor, and which becomes + cemented by reciprocal esteem. It was a little from inclination, as I am + disposed to think, but much more to please Saint Lambert, that she came to + see me. He had requested her to do it, and there was reason to believe the + friendship which began to be established between us would render this + society agreeable to all three. She knew I was acquainted with their + connection, and as she could speak to me without restraint, it was natural + she should find my conversation agreeable. She came; I saw her; I was + intoxicated with love without an object; this intoxication fascinated my + eyes; the object fixed itself upon her. I saw my Julia in Madam + d’Houdetot, and I soon saw nothing but Madam d’Houdetot, but with all the + perfections with which I had just adorned the idol of my heart. To + complete my delirium she spoke to me of Saint Lambert with a fondness of a + passionate lover. Contagious force of love! while listening to her, and + finding myself near her, I was seized with a delicious trembling, which I + had never before experienced when near to any person whatsoever. She + spoke, and I felt myself affected; I thought I was nothing more than + interested in her sentiments, when I perceived I possessed those which + were similar; I drank freely of the poisoned cup, of which I yet tasted + nothing more than the sweetness. Finally, imperceptibly to us both, she + inspired me for herself with all she expressed for her lover. Alas! it was + very late in life, and cruel was it to consume with a passion not less + violent than unfortunate for a woman whose heart was already in the + possession of another. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the extraordinary emotions I had felt when near to her, I + did not at first perceive what had happened to me; it was not until after + her departure that, wishing to think of Julia, I was struck with surprise + at being unable to think of anything but Madam d’Houdetot. Then was it my + eyes were opened: I felt my misfortune, and lamented what had happened, + but I did not foresee the consequences. + </p> + <p> + I hesitated a long time on the manner in which I should conduct myself + towards her, as if real love left behind it sufficient reason to + deliberate and act accordingly. I had not yet determined upon this when + she unexpectedly returned and found me unprovided. It was this time, + perfectly acquainted with my situation, shame, the companion of evil, + rendered me dumb, and made me tremble in her presence; I neither dared to + open my mouth or raise my eyes; I was in an inexpressible confusion which + it was impossible she should not perceive. I resolved to confess to her my + troubled state of mind, and left her to guess the cause whence it + proceeded: this was telling her in terms sufficiently clear. + </p> + <p> + Had I been young and amiable, and Madam d’Houdetot afterwards weak, I + should here blame her conduct; but this was not the case, and I am obliged + to applaud and admire it. The resolution she took was equally prudent and + generous. She could not suddenly break with me without giving her reasons + for it to Saint Lambert, who himself had desired her to come and see me; + this would have exposed two friends to a rupture, and perhaps a public + one, which she wished to avoid. She had for me esteem and good wishes; she + pitied my folly without encouraging it, and endeavored to restore me to + reason. She was glad to preserve to her lover and herself a friend for + whom she had some respect; and she spoke of nothing with more pleasure + than the intimate and agreeable society we might form between us three the + moment I should become reasonable. She did not always confine herself to + these friendly exhortations, and, in case of need, did not spare me more + severe reproaches, which I had richly deserved. + </p> + <p> + I spared myself still less: the moment I was alone I began to recover; I + was more calm after my declaration—love, known to the person by whom + it is inspired, becomes more supportable. + </p> + <p> + The forcible manner in which I approached myself with mine, ought to have + cured me of it had the thing been possible. What powerful motives did I + not call to my mind to stifle it? My morals, sentiments and principles; + the shame, the treachery and crime, of abusing what was confided to + friendship, and the ridiculousness of burning, at my age, with the most + extravagant passion for an object whose heart was preengaged, and who + could neither make me a return, nor least hope; moreover with a passion + which, far from having anything to gain by constancy, daily became less + sufferable. + </p> + <p> + We would imagine that the last consideration which ought to have added + weight to all the others, was that whereby I eluded them! What scruple, + thought I, ought I to make of a folly prejudicial to nobody but myself? Am + I then a young man of whom Madam d’Houdetot ought to be afraid? Would not + it be said by my presumptive remorse that, by my gallantry, manner and + dress, I was going to seduce her? Poor Jean Jacques, love on at thy ease, + in all safety of conscience, and be not afraid that thy sighs will be + prejudicial to Saint Lambert. + </p> + <p> + It has been seen that I never was a coxcomb, not even in my youth. The + manner of thinking, of which I have spoken, was according to my turn of + mind, it flattered my passion; this was sufficient to induce me to abandon + myself to it without reserve, and to laugh even at the impertinent scruple + I thought I had made from vanity, rather than from reason. This is a great + lesson for virtuous minds, which vice never attacks openly; it finds means + to surprise them by masking itself with sophisms, and not unfrequently + with a virtue. + </p> + <p> + Guilty without remorse, I soon became so without measure; and I entreat it + may be observed in what manner my passion followed my nature, at length to + plunge me into an abyss. In the first place, it assumed the air of + humility to encourage me; and to render me intrepid it carried this + humility even to mistrust. Madam d’Houdetot incessantly putting in mind of + my duty, without once for a single moment flattering my folly, treated me + with the greatest mildness, and remained with me upon the footing of the + most tender friendship. This friendship would, I protest, have satisfied + my wishes, had I thought it sincere; but finding it too strong to be real, + I took it into my head that love, so ill-suited to my age and appearance, + had rendered me contemptible in the eyes of Madam d’Houdetot; that this + young mad creature only wished to divert herself with me and my + superannuated passion; that she had communicated this to Saint Lambert; + and that the indignation caused by my breach of friendship, having made + her lover enter into her views, they were agreed to turn my head and then + to laugh at me. This folly, which at twenty-six years of age, had made me + guilty of some extravagant behavior to Madam de Larnage, whom I did not + know, would have been pardonable in me at forty-five with Madam d’Houdetot + had not I known that she and her lover were persons of too much + uprightness to indulge themselves in such a barbarous amusement. + </p> + <p> + Madam d’ Houdetot continued her visits, which I delayed not to return. + She, as well as myself, was fond of walking, and we took long walks in an + enchanting country. Satisfied with loving and daring to say I loved, I + should have been in the most agreeable situation had not my extravagance + spoiled all the charm of it. She, at first, could not comprehend the + foolish pettishness with which I received her attentions; but my heart, + incapable of concealing what passed in it, did not long leave her ignorant + of my suspicions; she endeavored to laugh at them, but this expedient did + not succeed; transports of rage would have been the consequence, and she + changed her tone. Her compassionate gentleness was invincible; she made me + reproaches, which penetrated my heart; she expressed an inquietude at my + unjust fears, of which I took advantage. I required proofs of her being in + earnest. She perceived there was no other means of relieving me from my + apprehensions. I became pressing: the step was delicate. It is + astonishing, and perhaps without example, that a woman having suffered + herself to be brought to hesitate should have got herself off so well. She + refused me nothing the most tender friendship could grant; yet she granted + me nothing that rendered her unfaithful, and I had the mortification to + see that the disorder into which the most trifling favors had thrown all + my senses had not the least effect upon hers. + </p> + <p> + I have somewhere said, that nothing should be granted to the senses, when + we wished to refuse them anything. To prove how false this maxim was + relative to Madam d’ Houdetot, and how far she was right to depend upon + her own strength of mind, it would be necessary to enter into the detail + of our long and frequent conversations, and follow them, in all their + liveliness during the four months we passed together in an intimacy almost + without example between two friends of different sexes who contain + themselves within the bounds which we never exceeded. Ah! if I had lived + so long without feeling the power of real love, my heart and senses + abundantly paid the arrears. What, therefore, are the transports we feel + with the object of our affections by whom we are beloved, since the + passions of which my idol did not partake inspired such as I felt? + </p> + <p> + But I am wrong in saying Madam Houdetot did not partake of the passion of + love; that which I felt was in some measure confined to myself; yet love + was equal on both sides, but not reciprocal. We were both intoxicated with + the passion, she for her lover, and I for herself; our sighs and delicious + tears were mingled together. Tender confidants of the secrets of each + other, there was so great a similarity in our sentiments that it was + impossible they should not find some common point of union. In the midst + of this delicious intoxication, she never forgot herself for a moment, and + I solemnly protest that, if ever, led away by my senses, I have attempted + to render her unfaithful, I was never really desirous of succeeding. The + vehemence itself of my passion restrained it within bounds. The duty of + self-denial had elevated my mind. The lustre of every virture adorned in + my eyes the idol of my heart; to have soiled their divine image would have + been to destroy it. I might have committed the crime; it has been a + hundred times committed in my heart; but to dishonor my Sophia! Ah! was + this ever possible? No! I have told her a hundred times it was not. Had I + had it in my power to satisfy my desires, had she consented to commit + herself to my discretion, I should, except in a few moments of delirium, + have refused to be happy at the price of her honor. I loved her too well + to wish to possess her. + </p> + <p> + The distance from the Hermitage to Raubonne is almost a league; in my + frequent excursions to it I have sometimes slept there. One evening after + having supped tete-a-tete we went to walk in the garden by a fine + moonlight. At the bottom of the garden a considerable copse, through which + we passed on our way to a pretty grove ornamented with a cascade, of which + I had given her the idea, and she had procured it to be executed + accordingly. + </p> + <p> + Eternal remembrance of innocence and enjoyment! It was in this grove that, + seated by her side upon a seat of turf under an acacia in full bloom, I + found for the emotions of my heart a language worthy of them. It was the + first and only time of my life; but I was sublime: if everything amiable + and seducing with which the most tender and ardent love can inspire the + heart of man can be so called. What intoxicating tears did I shed upon her + knees! how many did I make her to shed involuntarily! At length in an + involuntary transport she exclaimed: “No, never was a man so amiable, nor + ever was there one who loved like you! But your friend Saint Lambert hears + us, and my heart is incapable of loving twice.” I exhausted myself with + sighs; I embraced her—what an embrace! But this was all. She had + lived alone for the last six months, that is absent from her husband and + lover; I had seen her almost every day during three months, and love + seldom failed to make a third. We had supped tete-a-tete, we were alone, + in the grove by moonlight, and after two hours of the most lively and + tender conversation, she left this grove at midnight, and the arms of her + lover, as morally and physically pure as she had entered it. Reader, weigh + all these circumstances; I will add nothing more. + </p> + <p> + Do not, however, imagine that in this situation my passions left me as + undisturbed as I was with Theresa and mamma. I have already observed I was + this time inspired not only with love, but with love and all its energy + and fury. I will not describe either the agitations, tremblings, + palpitations, convulsionary emotions, nor faintings of the heart, I + continually experienced; these may be judged of by the effect her image + alone made upon me. I have observed the distance from the Hermitage to + Eaubonne was considerable; I went by the hills of Andilly, which are + delightful; I mused, as I walked, on her whom I was going to see, the + charming reception she would give me, and upon the kiss which awaited me + at my arrival. This single kiss, this pernicious embrace, even before I + received it, inflamed my blood to such a degree as to affect my head, my + eyes were dazzled, my knees trembled, and were unable to support me; I was + obliged to stop and sit down; my whole frame was in inconceivable + disorder, and I was upon the point of fainting. Knowing the danger, I + endeavored at setting out to divert my attention from the object, and + think of something else. I had not proceeded twenty steps before the same + recollection, and all that was the consequence of it, assailed me in such + a manner that it was impossible to avoid them, and in spite of all my + efforts I do not believe I ever made this little excursion alone with + impunity. I arrived at Eaubonne, weak, exhausted, and scarcely able to + support myself. The moment I saw her everything was repaired; all I felt + in her presence was the importunity of an inexhaustible and useless ardor. + Upon the road to Raubonne there was a pleasant terrace called Mont Olympe, + at which we sometimes met. I arrived first, it was proper I should wait + for her; but how dear this waiting cost me! To divert my attention, I + endeavored to write with my pencil billets, which I could have written + with the purest drops of my blood; I never could finish one which was + eligible. When she found a note in the niche upon which we had agreed, all + she learned from the contents was the deplorable state in which I was when + I wrote it. This state and its continuation, during three months of + irritation and self-denial, so exhausted me, that I was several years + before I recovered from it, and at the end of these it left me an ailment + which I shall carry with me, or which will carry me to the grave. Such was + the sole enjoyment of a man of the most combustible constitution, but who + was, at the same time, perhaps, one of the most timid mortals nature ever + produced. Such were the last happy days I can reckon upon earth; at the + end of these began the long train of evils, in which there will be found + but little interruption. + </p> + <p> + It has been seen that, during the whole course of my life, my heart, as + transparent as crystal, has never been capable of concealing for the space + of a moment any sentiment in the least lively which had taken refuge in + it. It will therefore be judged whether or not it was possible for me long + to conceal my affection for Madam d’Houdetot. Our intimacy struck the eyes + of everybody, we did not make of it either a secret or a mystery. It was + not of a nature to require any such precaution, and as Madam d’Houdetot + had for me the most tender friendship with which she did not reproach + herself, and I for her an esteem with the justice of which nobody was + better acquainted than myself; she frank, absent, heedless; I true, + awkward, haughty, impatient and choleric; We exposed ourselves more in + deceitful security than we should have done had we been culpable. We both + went to the Chevrette; we sometimes met there by appointment. We lived + there according to our accustomed manner; walking together every day + talking of our amours, our duties, our friend, and our innocent projects; + all this in the park opposite the apartment of Madam d’Epinay, under her + windows, whence incessantly examining us, and thinking herself braved, she + by her eyes filled her heart with rage and indignation. + </p> + <p> + Women have the art of concealing their anger, especially when it is great. + Madam d’Epinay, violent but deliberate, possessed this art to an eminent + degree. She feigned not to see or suspect anything, and at the same time + that she doubled towards me her cares, attention, and allurements, she + affected to load her sister-in-law with incivilities and marks of disdain, + which she seemingly wished to communicate to me. It will easily be + imagined she did not succeed; but I was on the rack. Torn by opposite + passions, at the same time that I was sensible of her caresses, I could + scarcely contain my anger when I saw her wanting in good manners to Madam + d’Houdetot. The angelic sweetness of this lady made her endure everything + without complaint, or even without being offended. + </p> + <p> + She was, in fact, so absent, and always so little attentive to these + things, that half the time she did not perceive them. + </p> + <p> + I was so taken up with my passion, that, seeing nothing but Sophia (one of + the names of Madam d’Houdetot), I did not perceive that I was become the + laughing-stock of the whole house, and all those who came to it. The Baron + d’Holbach, who never, as I heard of, had been at the Chevrette, was one of + the latter. Had I at that time been as mistrustful as I am since become, I + should strongly have suspected Madam d’Epinay to have contrived this + journey to give the baron the amusing spectacle of an amorous citizen. But + I was then so stupid that I saw not that even which was glaring to + everybody. My stupidity did not, however, prevent me from finding in the + baron a more jovial and satisfied appearance than ordinary. Instead of + looking upon me with his usual moroseness, he said to me a hundred jocose + things without my knowing what he meant. Surprise was painted in my + countenance, but I answered not a word: Madam d’Epinay shook her sides + with laughing; I knew not what possessed them. As nothing yet passed the + bounds of pleasantry, the best thing I could have done, had I been in the + secret, would have been to have humored the joke. It is true I perceived + amid the rallying gayety of the baron, that his eyes sparkled with a + malicious joy, which could have given me pain had I then remarked it to + the degree it has since occurred to my recollection. + </p> + <p> + One day when I went to see Madam d’Houdetot, at Eaubonne, after her return + from one of her journeys to Paris, I found her melancholy, and observed + that she had been weeping. I was obliged to put a restraint on myself, + because Madam de Blainville, sister to her husband, was present; but the + moment I found an opportunity, I expressed to her my uneasiness. “Ah,” + said she, with a sigh, “I am much afraid your follies will cost me the + repose of the rest of my days. St. Lambert has been informed of what has + passed, and ill informed of it. He does me justice, but he is vexed; and + what is still worse, he conceals from me a part of his vexation. + Fortunately I have not concealed from him anything relative to our + connection which was formed under his auspices. My letters, like my heart, + were full of yourself; I made him acquainted with everything, except your + extravagant passion, of which I hoped to cure you; and which he imputes to + me as a crime. Somebody has done us ill offices. I have been injured, but + what does this signify? Either let us entirely break with each other, or + do you be what you ought to be. I will not in future have anything to + conceal from my lover.” + </p> + <p> + This was the first moment in which I was sensible of the shame of feeling + myself humbled by the sentiment of my fault, in presence of a young woman + of whose just reproaches I approved, and to whom I ought to have been a + mentor. The indignation I felt against myself would, perhaps, have been + sufficient to overcome my weakness, had not the tender passion inspired me + by the victim of it, again softened my heart. Alas! was this a moment to + harden it when it was overflowed by the tears which penetrated it in every + part? This tenderness was soon changed into rage against the vile + informers, who had seen nothing but the evil of a criminal but involuntary + sentiment, without believing or even imagining the sincere uprightness of + heart by which it was counteracted. We did not remain long in doubt about + the hand by which the blow was directed. + </p> + <p> + We both knew that Madam d’Epinay corresponded with St. Lambert. This was + not the first storm she had raised up against Madam d’Houdetot, from whom + she had made a thousand efforts to detach her lover, the success of some + of which made the consequences to be dreaded. Besides, Grimm, who, I + think, had accompanied M. de Castries to the army, was in Westphalia, as + well as Saint Lambert; they sometimes visited. Grimm had made some + attempts on Madam d’Houdetot, which had not succeeded, and being extremely + piqued, suddenly discontinued his visits to her. Let it be judged with + what calmness, modest as he is known to be, he supposed she preferred to + him a man older than himself, and of whom, since he had frequented the + great, he had never spoken but as a person whom he patronized. + </p> + <p> + My suspicions of Madam d’Epinay were changed into a certainty the moment I + heard what had passed in my own house. When I was at the Chevrette, + Theresa frequently came there, either to bring me letters or to pay me + that attention which my ill state of health rendered necessary. Madam + d’Epinay had asked her if Madam d’Houdetot and I did not write to each + other. Upon her answering in the affirmative, Madam d’Epinay pressed her + to give her the letters of Madam d’Houdetot, assuring her that she would + reseal them in such a manner as it should never be known. Theresa, without + showing how much she was shocked at the proposition, and without even + putting me upon my guard, did nothing more than seal the letters she + brought me more carefully; a lucky precaution, for Madam d’Epinay had her + watched when she arrived, and, waiting for her in the passage, several + times carried her audaciousness as far as to examine her tucker. She did + more even than this: having one day invited herself with M. de Margency to + dinner at the Hermitage, for the first time since I resided there, she + seized the moment I was walking with Margency to go into my closet with + the mother and daughter, and to press them to show her the letters of + Madam d’Houdetot. Had the mother known where the letters were, they would + have been given to her; fortunately, the daughter was the only person who + was in the secret, and denied my having preserved any one of them. A + virtuous, faithful and generous falsehood; whilst truth would have been a + perfidy. Madam d’ Epinay, perceiving Theresa was not to be seduced, + endeavored to irritate her by jealousy, reproaching her with her easy + temper and blindness. “How is it possible,” said she to her, “you cannot + perceive there is a criminal intercourse between them? If besides what + strikes your eyes you stand in need of other proofs, lend your assistance + to obtain that which may furnish them; you say he tears the letters from + Madam d’Houdetot as soon as he has read them. Well, carefully gather up + the pieces and give them to me; I will take upon myself to put them + together.” + </p> + <p> + Such were the lessons my friend gave to the partner of my bed. + </p> + <p> + Theresa had the discretion to conceal from me, for a considerable time, + all these attempts; but perceiving how much I was perplexed, she thought + herself obliged to inform me of everything, to the end that knowing with + whom I had to do, I might take my measures accordingly. My rage and + indignation are not to be described. Instead of dissembling with Madam + d’Epinay, according to her own example, and making use of counterplots, I + abandoned myself without reserve to the natural impetuosity of my temper; + and with my accustomed inconsiderateness came to an open rupture. My + imprudence will be judged of by the following letters, which sufficiently + show the manner of proceeding of both parties on this occasion: + </p> + <p> + NOTE FROM MADAM D’EPINAY. “Why, my dear friend, do I not see you? You make + me uneasy. You have so often promised me to do nothing but go and come + between this place and the Hermitage! In this I have left you at liberty; + and you have suffered a week to pass without coming. Had not I been told + you were well I should have imagined the contrary. I expected you either + the day before yesterday, or yesterday, but found myself disappointed. My + God, what is the matter with you? You have no business, nor can you have + any uneasiness; for had this been the case, I flatter myself you would + have come and communicated it to me. You are, therefore, ill! Relieve me, + I beseech you, speedily from my fears. Adieu, my dear friend: let this + adieu produce me a good-morning from you.” + </p> + <p> + ANSWER. “I cannot yet say anything to you. I wait to be better informed, + and this I shall be sooner or later. In the meantime be persuaded that + innocence will find a defender sufficiently powerful to cause some + repentance in the slanderers, be they who they may.” + </p> + <p> + SECOND NOTE FROM THE SAME. “Do you know that your letter frightens me? + What does it mean? I have read it twenty times. In truth I do not + understand what it means. All I can perceive is, that you are uneasy and + tormented, and that you wait until you are no longer so before you speak + to me upon the subject. Is this, my dear friend, what we agreed upon? What + then is become of that friendship and confidence, and by what means have I + lost them? Is it with me or for me that you are angry? However this may + be, come to me this evening I conjure you; remember you promised me no + longer than a week ago to let nothing remain upon your mind, but + immediately to communicate to me whatever might make it uneasy. My dear + friend, I live in that confidence—There—I have just read your + letter again; I do not understand the contents better, but they make me + tremble. You seem to be cruelly agitated. I could wish to calm your mind, + but as I am ignorant of the cause whence your uneasiness arises, I know + not what to say, except that I am as wretched as yourself, and shall + remain so until we meet. If you are not here this evening at six o’clock, + I set off to morrow for the Hermitage, let the weather be how it will, and + in whatever state of health I may be; for I can no longer support the + inquietude I now feel. Good day, my dear friend, at all risks I take the + liberty to tell you, without knowing whether or not you are in need of + such advice, to endeavor to stop the progress uneasiness makes in + solitude. A fly becomes a monster. I have frequently experienced it.” + </p> + <p> + ANSWER. “I can neither come to see you nor receive your visit so long as + my present inquietude continues. The confidence of which you speak no + longer exists, and it will be easy for you to recover it. I see nothing + more in your present anxiety than the desire of drawing from the + confessions of others some advantage agreeable to your views; and my + heart, so ready to pour its overflowings into another which opens itself + to receive them, is shut against trick and cunning. I distinguish your + ordinary address in the difficulty you find in understanding my note. Do + you think me dupe enough to believe you have not comprehended what it + meant? No: but I shall know how to overcome your subtleties by my + frankness. I will explain myself more clearly, that you may understand me + still less. + </p> + <p> + “Two lovers closely united and worthy of each other’s love are dear to me; + I expect you will not know who I mean unless I name them. I presume + attempts have been made to disunite them, and that I have been made use of + to inspire one of the two with jealousy. The choice was not judicious, but + it appeared convenient to the purposes of malice, and of this malice it is + you whom I suspect to be guilty. I hope this becomes more clear. + </p> + <p> + “Thus the woman whom I most esteem would, with my knowledge, have been + loaded with the infamy of dividing her heart and person between two + lovers, and I with that of being one of these wretches. If I knew that, + for a single moment in your life, you ever had thought this, either of her + or myself, I should hate you until my last hour. But it is with having + said, and not with having thought it, that I charge you. In this case, I + cannot comprehend which of the three you wished to injure; but, if you + love peace of mind, tremble lest you should have succeeded. I have not + concealed either from you or her all the ill I think of certain + connections, but I wish these to end by a means as virtuous as their + cause, and that an illegitimate love may be changed into an eternal + friendship. Should I, who never do ill to any person, be the innocent + means of doing it to my friends? No, I should never forgive you; I should + become your irreconcilable enemy. Your secrets are all I should respect; + for I will never be a man without honor. + </p> + <p> + “I do not apprehend my present perplexity will continue a long time. I + shall soon know whether or not I am deceived; I shall then perhaps have + great injuries to repair, which I will do with as much cheerfulness as + that with which the most agreeable act of my life has been accompanied. + But do you know in what manner I will make amends for my faults during the + short space of time I have to remain near to you? By doing what nobody but + myself would do; by telling you freely what the world thinks of you, and + the breaches you have to repair in your reputation. Notwithstanding all + the pretended friends by whom you are surrounded, the moment you see me + depart you may bid adieu to truth, you will no longer find any person who + will tell it to you.” + </p> + <h3> + THIRD LETTER FROM THE SAME. + </h3> + <p> + “I did not understand your letter of this morning; this I told you because + it was the case. I understand that of this evening; do not imagine I shall + ever return an answer to it; I am too anxious to forget what it contains; + and although you excite my pity, I am not proof against the bitterness + with which it has filled my mind. I! descend to trick and cunning with + you! I! accused of the blackest of all infamies! Adieu, I regret your + having the adieu. I know not what I say adieu: I shall be very anxious to + forgive you. You will come when you please; you will be better received + than your suspicions deserve. All I have to desire of you is not to + trouble yourself about my reputation. The opinion of the world concerning + me is of but little importance in my esteem. My conduct is good, and this + is sufficient for me. Besides, I am ignorant of what has happened to the + two persons who are dear to me as they are to you.” + </p> + <p> + This last letter extricated me from a terrible embarrassment, and threw me + into another of almost the same magnitude. Although these letters and + answers were sent and returned the same day with an extreme rapidity, the + interval had been sufficient to place another between my rage and + transport, and to give me time to reflect on the enormity of my + imprudence. Madam d’Houdetot had not recommended to me anything so much as + to remain quiet, to leave her the care of extricating herself, and to + avoid, especially at that moment, all noise and rupture; and I, by the + most open and atrocious insults, took the properest means of carrying rage + to its greatest height in the heart of a woman who was already but too + well disposed to it. I now could naturally expect nothing from her but an + answer so haughty, disdainful, and expressive of contempt, that I could + not, without the utmost meanness, do otherwise than immediately quit her + house. Happily she, more adroit than I was furious, avoided, by the manner + of her answer, reducing me to that extremity. But it was necessary either + to quit or immediately go and see her; the alternative was inevitable; I + resolved on the latter, though I foresaw how much I must be embarrassed in + the explanation. For how was I to get through it without exposing either + Madam d’Houdetot or Theresa? and woe to her whom I should have named! + There was nothing that the vengeance of an implacable and an intriguing + woman did not make me fear for the person who should be the object of it. + It was to prevent this misfortune that in my letter I had spoken of + nothing but suspicions, that I might not be under the necessity of + producing my proofs. This, it is true, rendered my transports less + excusable; no simple suspicions being sufficient to authorize me to treat + a woman, and especially a friend, in the manner I had treated Madam + d’Epinay. But here begins the noble task I worthily fulfilled of expiating + my faults and secret weaknesses by charging myself with such of the former + as I was incapable of committing, and which I never did commit. + </p> + <p> + I had not to bear the attack I had expected, and fear was the greatest + evil I received from it. At my approach, Madam d’ Epinay threw her arms + about my neck, bursting into tears. This unexpected reception, and by an + old friend, extremely affected me; I also shed many tears. I said to her a + few words which had not much meaning; she uttered others with still less, + and everything ended here. Supper was served; we sat down to table, where, + in expectation of the explanation I imagined to be deferred until supper + was over, I made a very poor figure; for I am so overpowered by the most + trifling inquietude of mind that I cannot conceal it from persons the + least clear-sighted. My embarrassed appearance must have given her + courage, yet she did not risk anything upon that foundation. There was no + more explanation after than before supper: none took place on the next + day, and our little tete-a-tete conversations consisted of indifferent + things, or some complimentary words on my part, by which, while I informed + her I could not say more relative to my suspicions, I asserted, with the + greatest truth, that, if they were ill-founded, my whole life should be + employed in repairing the injustice. She did not show the least curiosity + to know precisely what they were, nor for what reason I had formed them, + and all our peacemaking consisted, on her part as well as on mine, in the + embrace at our first meeting. Since Madam d’Epinay was the only person + offended, at least in form, I thought it was not for me to strive to bring + about an eclaircissement for which she herself did not seem anxious, and I + returned as I had come; continuing, besides, to live with her upon the + same footing as before, I soon almost entirely forgot the quarrel, and + foolishly believed she had done the same, because she seemed not to + remember what had passed. + </p> + <p> + This, it will soon appear, was not the only vexation caused me by + weakness; but I had others not less disagreeable which I had not brought + upon myself. The only cause of these was a desire of forcing me from my + solitude, by means of tormenting me. These originated from Diderot and the + d’Holbachiens. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [That is to take from it the old woman who was wanted in the + conspiracy. It is astonishing that, during this long quarrel, + my stupid confidence presented me from comprehending that it was + not me but her whom they wanted in Paris.] +</pre> + <p> + Since I had resided at the Hermitage, Diderot incessantly harrassed me, + either himself or by means of De Leyre, and I soon perceived from the + pleasantries of the latter upon my ramblings in the groves, with what + pleasure he had travestied the hermit into the gallant shepherd. But this + was not the question in my quarrels with Diderot; the cause of these were + more serious. After the publication of Fils Naturel he had sent me a copy + of it, which I had read with the interest and attention I ever bestowed on + the works of a friend. In reading the kind of poem annexed to it, I was + surprised and rather grieved to find in it, amongst several things, + disobliging but supportable against men in solitude, this bitter and + severe sentence without the least softening: ‘Il n’y a que le méchant qui + soit seul.’ —This sentence is equivocal, and seems to present a + double meaning; the one true, the other false, since it is impossible that + a man who is determined to remain alone can do the least harm to anybody, + and consequently he cannot be wicked. The sentence in itself therefore + required an interpretation; the more so from an author who, when he sent + it to the press, had a friend retired from the world. It appeared to me + shocking and uncivil, either to have forgotten that solitary friend, or, + in remembering him, not to have made from the general maxim the honorable + and just exception which he owed, not only to his friend, but to so many + respectable sages, who, in all ages, have sought for peace and + tranquillity in retirement, and of whom, for the first time since the + creation of the world, a writer took it into his head indiscriminately to + make so many villains. + </p> + <p> + I had a great affection and the most sincere esteem for Diderot, and fully + depended upon his having the same sentiments for me. But tired with his + indefatigable obstinacy in continually opposing my inclinations, taste, + and manner of living, and everything which related to no person but + myself; shocked at seeing a man younger than I was wish, at all events, to + govern me like a child; disgusted with his facility in promising, and his + negligence in performing; weary of so many appointments given by himself, + and capriciously broken, while new ones were again given only to be again + broken; displeased at uselessly waiting for him three or four times a + month on the days he had assigned, and in dining alone at night after + having gone to Saint Denis to meet him, and waited the whole day for his + coming; my heart was already full of these multiplied injuries. This last + appeared to me still more serious, and gave me infinite pain. I wrote to + complain of it, but in so mild and tender a manner that I moistened my + paper with my tears, and my letter was sufficiently affecting to have + drawn others from himself. It would be impossible to guess his answer on + this subject: it was literally as follows: “I am glad my work has pleased + and affected you. You are not of my opinion relative to hermits. Say as + much good of them as you please, you will be the only one in the world of + whom I shall think well: even on this there would be much to say were it + possible to speak to you without giving you offence. A woman eighty years + of age! etc. A phrase of a letter from the son of Madam d’Epinay which, if + I know you well, must have given you much pain, has been mentioned to me.” + </p> + <p> + The last two expressions of this letter want explanation. + </p> + <p> + Soon after I went to reside at the Hermitage, Madam le Vasseur seemed + dissatisfied with her situation, and to think the habitation too retired. + Having heard she had expressed her dislike to the place, I offered to send + her back to Paris, if that were more agreeable to her; to pay her lodging, + and to have the same care taken of her as if she remained with me. She + rejected my offer, assured me she was very well satisfied with the + Hermitage, and that the country air was of service to her. This was + evident, for, if I may so speak, she seemed to become young again, and + enjoyed better health than at Paris. Her daughter told me her mother + would, on the whole, have been very sorry to quit the Hermitage, which was + really a very delightful abode, being fond of the little amusements of the + garden and the care of the fruit of which she had the handling, but that + she had said, what she had been desired to say, to induce me to return to + Paris. + </p> + <p> + Failing in this attempt they endeavored to obtain by a scruple the effect + which complaisance had not produced, and construed into a crime my keeping + the old woman at a distance from the succors of which, at her age, she + might be in need. They did not recollect that she, and many other old + people, whose lives were prolonged by the air of the country, might obtain + these succors at Montmorency, near to which I lived; as if there were no + old people, except in Paris, and that it was impossible for them to live + in any other place. Madam le Vasseur who ate a great deal, and with + extreme voracity, was subject to overflowings of bile and to strong + diarrhoeas, which lasted several days, and served her instead of clysters. + At Paris she neither did nor took anything for them, but left nature to + itself. She observed the same rule at the Hermitage, knowing it was the + best thing she could do. No matter, since there were not in the country + either physicians or apothecaries, keeping her there must, no doubt, be + with the desire of putting an end to her existence, although she was in + perfect health. Diderot should have determined at what age, under pain of + being punished for homicide, it is no longer permitted to let old people + remain out of Paris. + </p> + <p> + This was one of the atrocious accusations from which he did not except me + in his remark; that none but the wicked were alone: and the meaning of his + pathetic exclamation with the et cetera, which he had benignantly added: A + woman of eighty years of age, etc. + </p> + <p> + I thought the best answer that could be given to this reproach would be + from Madam le Vasseur herself. I desired her to write freely and naturally + her sentiments to Madam d’Epinay. To relieve her from all constraint I + would not see her letter. I showed her that which I am going to + transcribe. I wrote it to Madam d’Epinay upon the subject of an answer I + wished to return to a letter still more severe from Diderot, and which she + had prevented me from sending. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Thursday. +</pre> + <p> + “My good friend. Madam le Vasseur is to write to you: I have desired her + to tell you sincerely what she thinks. To remove from her all constraint, + I have intimated to her that I will not see what she writes, and I beg of + you not to communicate to me any part of the contents of her letter. + </p> + <p> + “I will not send my letter because you do not choose I should; but, + feeling myself grievously offended, it would be baseness and falsehood, of + either of which it is impossible for me to be guilty, to acknowledge + myself in the wrong. Holy writ commands him to whom a blow is given, to + turn the other cheek, but not to ask pardon. Do you remember the man in + comedy who exclaims, while he is giving another blows with his staff, + ‘This is the part of a philosopher!’ + </p> + <p> + “Do not flatter yourself that he will be prevented from coming by the bad + weather we now have. His rage will give him the time and strength which + friendship refuses him, and it will be the first time in his life he ever + came upon the day he had appointed. + </p> + <p> + “He will neglect nothing to come and repeat to me verbally the injuries + with which he loads me in his letters; I will endure them all with + patience—he will return to Paris to be ill again; and, according to + custom, I shall be a very hateful man. What is to be done? Endure it all. + </p> + <p> + “But do not you admire the wisdom of the man who would absolutely come to + Saint Denis in a hackney-coach to dine there, bring me home in a + hackney-coach, and whose finances, eight days afterwards, obliges him to + come to the Hermitage on foot? It is not possible, to speak his own + language, that this should be the style of sincerity. But were this the + case, strange changes of fortune must have happened in the course of a + week. + </p> + <p> + “I join in your affliction for the illness of madam, your mother, but you + will perceive your grief is not equal to mine. We suffer less by seeing + the persons we love ill than when they are unjust and cruel. + </p> + <p> + “Adieu, my good friend, I shall never again mention to you this unhappy + affair. You speak of going to Paris with an unconcern, which, at any other + time, would give me pleasure.” + </p> + <p> + I wrote to Diderot, telling him what I had done, relative to Madam le + Vasseur, upon the proposal of Madam d’Epinay herself; and Madam le Vasseur + having, as it may be imagined, chosen to remain at the Hermitage, where + she enjoyed a good state of health, always had company, and lived very + agreeably, Diderot, not knowing what else to attribute to me as a crime, + construed my precaution into one, and discovered another in Madam le + Vasseur continuing to reside at the Hermitage, although this was by her + own choice; and though her going to Paris had depended, and still depended + upon herself, where she would continue to receive the same succors from me + as I gave her in my house. + </p> + <p> + This is the explanation of the first reproach in the letter of Diderot. + That of the second is in the letter which follows: “The learned man (a + name given in a joke by Grimm to the son of Madam d’Epinay) must have + informed you there were upon the rampart twenty poor persons who were + dying with cold and hunger, and waiting for the farthing you customarily + gave them. This is a specimen of our little babbling.....And if you + understand the rest it will amuse you perhap.” + </p> + <p> + My answer to this terrible argument, of which Diderot seemed so proud, was + in the following words: + </p> + <p> + “I think I answered the learned man; that is, the farmer-general, that I + did not pity the poor whom he had seen upon the rampart, waiting for my + farthing; that he had probably amply made it up to them; that I appointed + him my substitute, that the poor of Paris would have no reason to complain + of the change; and that I should not easily find so good a one for the + poor of Montmorency, who were in much greater need of assistance. Here is + a good and respectable old man, who, after having worked hard all his + lifetime, no longer being able to continue his labors, is in his old days + dying with hunger. My conscience is more satisfied with the two sous I + give him every Monday, than with the hundred farthings I should have + distributed amongst all the beggars on the rampart. You are pleasant men, + you philosophers, while you consider the inhabitants of the cities as the + only persons whom you ought to befriend. It is in the country men learn + how to love and serve humanity; all they learn in cities is to despise + it.” + </p> + <p> + Such were the singular scruples on which a man of sense had the folly to + attribute to me as a crime my retiring from Paris, and pretended to prove + to me by my own example, that it was not possible to live out of the + capital without becoming a bad man. I cannot at present conceive how I + could be guilty of the folly of answering him, and of suffering myself to + be angry instead of laughing in his fare. However, the decisions of Madam + d’Epinay and the clamors of the ‘Coterie Holbachique’ had so far operated + in her favor, that I was generally thought to be in the wrong; and the + D’Houdetot herself, very partial to Diderot, insisted upon my going to see + him at Paris, and making all the advances towards an accommodation which, + full and sincere as it was on my part, was not of long duration. The + victorious argument by which she subdued my heart was, that at that moment + Diderot was in distress. Besides the storm excited against the + ‘Encyclopedie’, he had then another violent one to make head against, + relative to his piece, which, notwithstanding the short history he had + printed at the head of it, he was accused of having entirely taken from + Goldoni. Diderot, more wounded by criticisms than Voltaire, was + overwhelmed by them. Madam de Grasigny had been malicious enough to spread + a report that I had broken with him on this account. I thought it would be + just and generous publicly to prove the contrary, and I went to pass two + days, not only with him, but at his lodgings. This, since I had taken up + my abode at the Hermitage, was my second journey to Paris. I had made the + first to run to poor Gauffecourt, who had had a stroke of apoplexy, from + which he has never perfectly recovered: I did not quit the side of his + pillow until he was so far restored as to have no further need of my + assistance. + </p> + <p> + Diderot received me well. How many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of a + friend! after these, what resentment can remain in the heart? We came to + but little explanation. This is needless for reciprocal invectives. The + only thing necessary is to know how to forget them. There had been no + underhand proceedings, none at least that had come to my knowledge: the + case was not the same with Madam d’ Epinay. He showed me the plan of the + ‘Pere de Famille’. “This,” said I to him, “is the best defence to the + ‘Fils Naturel’. Be silent, give your attention to this piece, and then + throw it at the head of your enemies as the only answer you think proper + to make them.” He did so, and was satisfied with what he had done. + </p> + <p> + I had six months before sent him the first two parts of my ‘Eloisa’ to + have his opinion upon them. He had not yet read the work over. We read a + part of it together. He found this ‘feuillet’, that was his term, by which + he meant loaded with words and redundancies. I myself had already + perceived it; but it was the babbling of the fever: I have never been able + to correct it. The last parts are not the same. The fourth especially, and + the sixth, are master-pieces of diction. + </p> + <p> + The day after my arrival, he would absolutely take me to sup with M. + d’Holbach. We were far from agreeing on this point; for I wished even to + get rid of the bargain for the manuscript on chemistry, for which I was + enraged to be obliged to that man. Diderot carried all before him. He + swore D’Holbach loved me with all his heart, said I must forgive him his + manner, which was the same to everybody, and more disagreeable to his + friends than to others. He observed to me that, refusing the produce of + this manuscript, after having accepted it two years before, was an affront + to the donor which he had not deserved, and that my refusal might be + interpreted into a secret reproach, for having waited so long to conclude + the bargain. “I see,” added he, “D’Holbach every day, and know better than + you do the nature of his disposition. Had you reason to be dissatisfied + with him, do you think your friend capable of advising you to do a mean + thing?” In short, with my accustomed weakness, I suffered myself to be + prevailed upon, and we went to sup with the baron, who received me as he + usually had done. But his wife received me coldly and almost uncivilly. I + saw nothing in her which resembled the amiable Caroline, who, when a maid, + expressed for me so many good wishes. I thought I had already perceived + that since Grimm had frequented the house of D’Aine, I had not met there + so friendly a reception. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I was at Paris, Saint Lambert arrived there from the army. As I was + not acquainted with his arrival, I did not see him until after my return + to the country, first at the Chevrette, and afterwards at the Hermitage; + to which he came with Madam d’Houdetot, and invited himself to dinner with + me. It may be judged whether or not I received him with pleasure! But I + felt one still greater at seeing the good understanding between my guests. + Satisfied with not having disturbed their happiness, I myself was happy in + being a witness to it, and I can safely assert that, during the whole of + my mad passion, and especially at the moment of which I speak, had it been + in my power to take from him Madam d’Houdetot I would not have done it, + nor should I have so much as been tempted to undertake it. I found her so + amiable in her passion for Saint Lambert, that I could scarcely imagine + she would have been as much so had she loved me instead of him; and + without wishing to disturb their union, all I really desired of her was to + permit herself to be loved. Finally, however violent my passion may have + been for this lady, I found it as agreeable to be the confidant, as the + object of her amours, and I never for a moment considered her lover as a + rival, but always as my friend. It will be said this was not love: be it + so, but it was something more. + </p> + <p> + As for Saint Lambert, he behaved like an honest and judicious man: as I + was the only person culpable, so was I the only one who was punished; + this, however, was with the greatest indulgence. He treated me severely, + but in a friendly manner, and I perceived I had lost something in his + esteem, but not the least part of his friendship. For this I consoled + myself, knowing it would be much more easy to me to recover the one than + the other, and that he had too much sense to confound an involuntary + weakness and a passion with a vice of character. If even I were in fault + in all that had passed, I was but very little so. Had I first sought after + his mistress? Had not he himself sent her to me? Did not she come in + search of me? Could I avoid receiving her? What could I do? They + themselves had done the evil, and I was the person on whom it fell. In my + situation they would have done as much as I did, and perhaps more; for, + however estimable and faithful Madam d’Houdetot might be, she was still a + woman; her lover was absent; opportunities were frequent; temptations + strong; and it would have been very difficult for her always to have + defended herself with the same success against a more enterprising man. We + certainly had done a great deal in our situation, in placing boundaries + beyond which we never permitted ourselves to pass. + </p> + <p> + Although at the bottom of my heart I found evidence sufficiently honorable + in my favor, so many appearances were against me, that the invincible + shame always predominant in me, gave me in his presence the appearance of + guilt, and of this he took advantage for the purpose of humbling me: a + single circumstance will describe this reciprocal situation. I read to + him, after dinner, the letter I had written the preceding year to + Voltaire, and of which Saint Lambert had heard speak. Whilst I was reading + he fell asleep, and I, lately so haughty, at present so foolish, dared not + stop, and continued to read whilst he continued to snore. Such were my + indignities and such his revenge; but his generosity never permitted him + to exercise them; except between ourselves. + </p> + <p> + After his return to the army, I found Madam d’Houdetot greatly changed in + her manner with me. At this I was as much surprised as if it had not been + what I ought to have expected; it affected me more than it ought to have + done, and did me considerable harm. It seemed that everything from which I + expected a cure, still plunged deeper into my heart the dart, which I at + length broke in rather than draw out. + </p> + <p> + I was quite determined to conquer myself, and leave no means untried to + change my foolish passion into a pure and lasting friendship. For this + purpose I had formed the finest projects in the world; for the execution + of which the concurrence of Madam d’ Houdetot was necessary. When I wished + to speak to her I found her absent and embarrassed; I perceived I was no + longer agreeable to her, and that something had passed which she would not + communicate to me, and which I have never yet known. This change, and the + impossibility of knowing the reason of it, grieved me to the heart. + </p> + <p> + She asked me for her letters; these I returned her with a fidelity of + which she did me the insult to doubt for a moment. + </p> + <p> + This doubt was another wound given to my heart, with which she must have + been so well acquainted. She did me justice, but not immediately: I + understood that an examination of the packet I had sent her, made her + perceive her error; I saw she reproached herself with it, by which I was a + gainer of something. She could not take back her letters without returning + me mine. She told me she had burnt them: of this I dared to doubt in my + turn, and I confess I doubt of it at this moment. No, such letters as mine + to her were, are never thrown into the fire. Those of Eloisa have been + found ardent. + </p> + <p> + Heavens! what would have been said of these! No, No, she who can inspire a + like passion, will never have the courage to burn the proofs of it. But I + am not afraid of her having made a bad use of them: of this I do not think + her capable; and besides I had taken proper measures to prevent it. The + foolish, but strong apprehension of raillery, had made me begin this + correspondence in a manner to secure my letters from all communication. I + carried the familiarity I permitted myself with her in my intoxication so + far as to speak to her in the singular number: but what theeing and + thouing! she certainly could not be offended with it. Yet she several + times complained, but this was always useless: her complaints had no other + effect than that of awakening my fears, and I besides could not suffer + myself to lose ground. If these letters be not yet destroyed, and should + they ever be made public, the world will see in what manner I have loved. + </p> + <p> + The grief caused me by the coldness of Madam d’Houdetot, and the certainty + of not having merited it, made me take the singular resolution to complain + of it to Saint Lambert himself. While waiting the effect of the letter I + wrote to him, I sought dissipations to which I ought sooner to have had + recourse. Fetes were given at the Chevrette for which I composed music. + The pleasure of honoring myself in the eyes of Madam d’Houdetot by a + talent she loved, warmed my imagination, and another object still + contributed to give it animation, this was the desire the author of the + ‘Devin du Village’ had of showing he understood music; for I had perceived + some persons had, for a considerable time past, endeavored to render this + doubtful, at least with respect to composition. My beginning at Paris, the + ordeal through which I had several times passed there, both at the house + of M. Dupin and that of M. de la Popliniere; the quantity of music I had + composed during fourteen years in the midst of the most celebrated masters + and before their eyes:—finally, the opera of the ‘Muses Gallantes’, + and that even of the ‘Devin’; a motet I had composed for Mademoiselle Fel, + and which she had sung at the spiritual concert; the frequent conferences + I had had upon this fine art with the first composers, all seemed to + prevent or dissipate a doubt of such a nature. This however existed even + at the Chevrette, and in the mind of M. d’Epinay himself. Without + appearing to observe it, I undertook to compose him a motet for the + dedication of the chapel of the Chevrette, and I begged him to make choice + of the words. He directed de Linant, the tutor to his son, to furnish me + with these. De Linant gave me words proper to the subject, and in a week + after I had received them the motet was finished. This time, spite was my + Apollo, and never did better music come from my hand. The words began + with: ‘Ecce sedes hic Tonantis’. (I have since learned these were by + Santeuil, and that M. de Linant had without scruple appropriated them to + himself.) The grandeur of the opening is suitable to the words, and the + rest of the motet is so elegantly harmonious that everyone was struck with + it. I had composed it for a great orchestra. D’Epinay procured the best + performers. Madam Bruna, an Italian singer, sung the motet, and was well + accompanied. The composition succeeded so well that it was afterwards + performed at the spiritual concert, where, in spite of secret cabals, and + notwithstanding it was badly executed, it was twice generally applauded. I + gave for the birthday of M. d’Epinay the idea of a kind of piece half + dramatic and half pantomimical, of which I also composed the music. Grimm, + on his arrival, heard speak of my musical success. An hour afterwards not + a word more was said on the subject; but there no longer remained a doubt, + not at least that I know of, of my knowledge of composition. + </p> + <p> + Grimm was scarcely arrived at the Chevrette, where I already did not much + amuse myself, before he made it insupportable to me by airs I never before + saw in any person, and of which I had no idea. The evening before he came, + I was dislodged from the chamber of favor, contiguous to that of Madam + d’Epinay; it was prepared for Grimm, and instead of it, I was put into + another further off. “In this manner,” said I, laughingly, to Madam + d’Epinay, “new-comers displace those which are established.” She seemed + embarrassed. I was better acquainted the same evening with the reason for + the change, in learning that between her chamber and that I had quitted + there was a private door which she had thought needless to show me. Her + intercourse with Grimm was not a secret either in her own house or to the + public, not even to her husband; yet, far from confessing it to me, the + confidant of secrets more important to her, and which was sure would be + faithfully kept, she constantly denied it in the strongest manner. I + comprehended this reserve proceeded from Grimm, who, though intrusted with + all my secrets, did not choose I should be with any of his. + </p> + <p> + However prejudiced I was in favor of this man by former sentiments, which + were not extinguished, and by the real merit he had, all was not proof + against the cares he took to destroy it. He received me like the Comte de + Tuffiere; he scarcely deigned to return my salute; he never once spoke to + me, and prevented my speaking to him by not making me any answer; he + everywhere passed first, and took the first place without ever paying me + the least attention. All this would have been supportable had he not + accompanied it with a shocking affectation, which may be judged of by one + example taken from a hundred. One evening Madam d’Epinay, finding herself + a little indisposed, ordered something for her supper to be carried into + her chamber, and went up stairs to sup by the side of the fire. She asked + me to go with her, which I did. Grimm came afterwards. The little table + was already placed, and there were but two covers. Supper was served; + Madam d’ Epinay took her place on one side of the fire, Grimm took an + armed chair, seated himself at the other, drew the little table between + them, opened his napkin, and prepared himself for eating without speaking + to me a single word. + </p> + <p> + Madam d’ Epinay blushed at his behavior, and, to induce him to repair his + rudeness, offered me her place. He said nothing, nor did he ever look at + me. Not being able to approach the fire, I walked about the chamber until + a cover was brought. Indisposed as I was, older than himself, longer + acquainted in the house than he had been, the person who had introduced + him there, and to whom as a favorite of the lady he ought to have done the + honors of it, he suffered me to sup at the end of the table, at a distance + from the fire, without showing me the least civility. His whole behavior + to me corresponded with this example of it. He did not treat me precisely + as his inferior, but he looked upon me as a cipher. I could scarcely + recognize the same Grimm, who, at the house of the Prince de Saxe-Gotha, + thought himself honored when I cast my eyes upon him. I had still more + difficulty in reconciling this profound silence and insulting haughtiness + with the tender friendship he professed for me to those whom he knew to be + real friends. It is true the only proofs he gave of it was pitying my + wretched fortune, of which I did not complain; compassionating my sad + fate, with which I was satisfied; and lamenting to see me obstinately + refuse the benevolent services, he said, he wished to render me. Thus was + it he artfully made the world admire his affectionate generosity, blame my + ungrateful misanthropy, and insensibly accustomed people to imagine there + was nothing more between a protector like him and a wretch like myself, + than a connection founded upon benefactions on one part and obligations on + the other, without once thinking of a friendship between equals. For my + part, I have vainly sought to discover in what I was under an obligation + to this new protector. I had lent him money, he had never lent me any; I + had attended him in his illness, he scarcely came to see me in mine; I had + given him all my friends, he never had given me any of his; I had said + everything I could in his favor, and if ever he has spoken of me it has + been less publicly and in another manner. He has never either rendered or + offered me the least service of any kind. How, therefore, was he my + Mecaenas? In what manner was I protected by him? This was incomprehensible + to me, and still remains so. + </p> + <p> + It is true, he was more or less arrogant with everybody, but I was the + only person with whom he was brutally so. I remember Saint Lambert once + ready to throw a plate at his head, upon his, in some measure, giving him + the lie at table by vulgarly saying, “That is not true.” With his + naturally imperious manner he had the self-sufficiency of an upstart, and + became ridiculous by being extravagantly impertinent. An intercourse with + the great had so far intoxicated him that he gave himself airs which none + but the contemptible part of them ever assume. He never called his lackey + but by “Eh!” as if amongst the number of his servants my lord had not + known which was in waiting. When he sent him to buy anything, he threw the + money upon the ground instead of putting it into his hand. In short, + entirely forgetting he was a man, he treated him with such shocking + contempt, and so cruel a disdain in everything, that the poor lad, a very + good creature, whom Madam d’Epinay had recommended, quitted his service + without any other complaint than that of the impossibility of enduring + such treatment. This was the la Fleur of this new presuming upstart. + </p> + <p> + As these things were nothing more than ridiculous, but quite opposite to + my character, they contributed to render him suspicious to me. I could + easily imagine that a man whose head was so much deranged could not have a + heart well placed. He piqued himself upon nothing so much as upon + sentiments. How could this agree with defects which are peculiar to little + minds? How can the continued overflowings of a susceptible heart suffer it + to be incessantly employed in so many little cares relative to the person? + He who feels his heart inflamed with this celestial fire strives to + diffuse it, and wishes to show what he internally is. He would wish to + place his heart in his countenance, and thinks not of other paint for his + cheeks. + </p> + <p> + I remember the summary of his morality which Madam d’Epinay had mentioned + to me and adopted. This consisted in one single article; that the sole + duty of man is to follow all the inclinations of his heart. This morality, + when I heard it mentioned, gave me great matter of reflection, although I + at first considered it solely as a play of wit. But I soon perceived it + was a principle really the rule of his conduct, and of which I afterwards + had, at my own expense, but too many convincing proofs. It is the interior + doctrine Diderot has so frequently intimated to me, but which I never + heard him explain. + </p> + <p> + I remember having several years before been frequently told that Grimm was + false, that he had nothing more than the appearance of sentiment, and + particularly that he did not love me. I recollected several little + anecdotes which I had heard of him by M. de Francueil and Madam de + Chenonceaux, neither of whom esteemed him, and to whom he must have been + known, as Madam de Chenonceaux was daughter to Madam de Rochechouart, the + intimate friend of the late Comte de Friese, and that M. de Francueil, at + that time very intimate with the Viscount de Polignac, had lived a good + deal at the Palais Royal precisely when Grimm began to introduce himself + there. All Paris heard of his despair after the death of the Comte de + Friese. It was necessary to support the reputation he had acquired after + the rigors of Mademoiselle Fel, and of which I, more than any other + person, should have seen the imposture, had I been less blind. He was + obliged to be dragged to the Hotel de Castries where he worthily played + his part, abandoned to the most mortal affliction. There, he every morning + went into the garden to weep at his ease, holding before his eyes his + handkerchief moistened with tears, as long as he was in sight of the + hotel, but at the turning of a certain alley, people, of whom he little + thought, saw him instantly put his handkerchief in his pocket and take out + of it a book. This observation, which was repeatedly made, soon became + public in Paris, and was almost as soon forgotten. I myself had forgotten + it; a circumstance in which I was concerned brought it to my recollection. + I was at the point of death in my bed, in the Rue de Grenelle, Grimm was + in the country; he came one morning, quite out of breath, to see me, + saying, he had arrived in town that very instant; and a moment afterwards + I learned he had arrived the evening before, and had been seen at the + theatre. + </p> + <p> + I heard many things of the same kind; but an observation, which I was + surprised not to have made sooner, struck me more than anything else. I + had given to Grimm all my friends without exception, they were become his. + I was so inseparable from him, that I should have had some difficulty in + continuing to visit at a house where he was not received. Madam de Crequi + was the only person who refused to admit him into her company, and whom + for that reason I have seldom since seen. Grimm on his part made himself + other friends, as well by his own means, as by those of the Comte de + Friese. Of all these not one of them ever became my friend: he never said + a word to induce me even to become acquainted with them, and not one of + those I sometimes met at his apartments ever showed me the least good + will; the Comte de Friese, in whose house he lived, and with whom it + consequently would have been agreeable to me to form some connection, not + excepted, nor the Comte de Schomberg, his relation, with whom Grimm was + still more intimate. + </p> + <p> + Add to this, my own friends, whom I made his, and who were all tenderly + attached to me before this acquaintance, were no longer so the moment it + was made. He never gave me one of his. I gave him all mine, and these he + has taken from me. If these be the effects of friendship, what are those + of enmity? + </p> + <p> + Diderot himself told me several times at the beginning that Grimm in whom + I had so much confidence, was not my friend. He changed his language the + moment he was no longer so himself. + </p> + <p> + The manner in which I had disposed of my children wanted not the + concurrence of any person. Yet I informed some of my friends of it, solely + to make it known to them, and that I might not in their eyes appear better + than I was. These friends were three in number: Diderot, Grimm, and Madam + d’Epinay. Duclos, the most worthy of my confidence, was the only real + friend whom I did not inform of it. He nevertheless knew what I had done. + By whom? This I know not. It is not very probable the perfidy came from + Madam d’Epinay, who knew that by following her example, had I been capable + of doing it, I had in my power the means of a cruel revenge. It remains + therefore between Grimm and Diderot, then so much united, especially + against me, and it is probable this crime was common to them both. I would + lay a wager that Duclos, to whom I never told my secret, and who + consequently was at liberty to make what use he pleased of his + information, is the only person who has not spoken of it again. + </p> + <p> + Grimm and Diderot, in their project to take from me the governesses, had + used the greatest efforts to make Duclos enter into their views; but this + he refused to do with disdain. It was not until sometime afterwards that I + learned from him what had passed between them on the subject; but I + learned at the time from Theresa enough to perceive there was some secret + design, and that they wished to dispose of me, if not against my own + consent, at least without my knowledge, or had an intention of making + these two persons serve as instruments of some project they had in view. + This was far from upright conduct. The opposition of Duclos is a + convincing proof of it. They who think proper may believe it to be + friendship. + </p> + <p> + This pretended friendship was as fatal to me at home as it was abroad. The + long and frequent conversations with Madam le Vasseur, for several years + past, had made a sensible change in this woman’s behavior to me, and the + change was far from being in my favor. What was the subject of these + singular conversations? Why such a profound mystery? Was the conversation + of that old woman agreeable enough to take her into favor, and of + sufficient importance to make of it so great a secret? During the two or + three years these colloquies had, from time to time, been continued, they + had appeared to me ridiculous; but when I thought of them again, they + began to astonish me. This astonishment would have been carried to + inquietude had I then known what the old creature was preparing for me. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the pretended zeal for my welfare of which Grimm made such + a public boast, difficult to reconcile with the airs he gave himself when + we were together, I heard nothing of him from any quarter the least to my + advantage, and his feigned commiseration tended less to do me service than + to render me contemptible. He deprived me as much as he possibly could of + the resource I found in the employment I had chosen, by decrying me as a + bad copyist. I confess he spoke the truth; but in this case it was not for + him to do it. He proved himself in earnest by employing another copyist, + and prevailing upon everybody he could, by whom I was engaged, to do the + same. His intention might have been supposed to be that of reducing me to + a dependence upon him and his credit for a subsistence, and to cut off the + latter until I was brought to that degree of distress. + </p> + <p> + All things considered, my reason imposed silence upon my former prejudice, + which still pleaded in his favor. I judged his character to be at least + suspicious, and with respect to his friendship I positively decided it to + be false. I then resolved to see him no more, and informed Madam d’Epinay + of the resolution I had taken, supporting, it with several unanswerable + facts, but which I have now forgotten. + </p> + <p> + She strongly combated my resolution without knowing how to reply to the + reasons on which it was founded. She had not concerted with him; but the + next day, instead of explaining herself verbally, she, with great address, + gave me a letter they had drawn up together, and by which, without + entering into a detail of facts, she justified him by his concentrated + character, attributed to me as a crime my having suspected him of perfidy + towards his friend, and exhorted me to come to an accommodation with him. + This letter staggered me. In a conversation we afterwards had together, + and in which I found her better prepared than she had been the first time, + I suffered myself to be quite prevailed upon, and was inclined to believe + I might have judged erroneously. In this case I thought I really had done + a friend a very serious injury, which it was my duty to repair. In short, + as I had already done several times with Diderot, and the Baron d’Holbach, + half from inclination, and half from weakness, I made all the advances I + had a right to require; I went to M. Grimm, like another George Dandin, to + make him my apologies for the offence he had given me; still in the false + persuasion, which, in the course of my life has made me guilty of a + thousand meannesses to my pretended friends, that there is no hatred which + may not be disarmed by mildness and proper behavior; whereas, on the + contrary, the hatred of the wicked becomes still more envenomed by the + impossibility of finding anything to found it upon, and the sentiment of + their own injustice is another cause of offence against the person who is + the object of it. I have, without going further than my own history, a + strong proof of this maxim in Grimm, and in Tronchin; both became my + implacable enemies from inclination, pleasure and fancy, without having + been able to charge me with having done either of them the most trifling + injury, and whose rage, like that of tigers, becomes daily more fierce by + the facility of satiating it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [I did not give the surname of Jongleur to the latter until a + long time after his enmity had been declared, and the persecutions + he brought upon me at Geneva and elsewhere. I soon suppressed the + name the moment I perceived I was entirely his victim. Mean + vengeance is unworthy of my heart, and hatred never takes the least + root in it.] +</pre> + <p> + I expected that Grimm, confused by my condescension and advances, would + receive me with open arms, and the most tender friendship. He received me + as a Roman Emperor would have done, and with a haughtiness I never saw in + any person but himself. I was by no means prepared for such a reception. + When, in the embarrassment of the part I had to act, and which was so + unworthy of me, I had, in a few words and with a timid air, fulfilled the + object which had brought me to him; before he received me into favor, he + pronounced, with a deal of majesty, an harangue he had prepared, and which + contained a long enumeration of his rare virtues, and especially those + connected with friendship. He laid great stress upon a thing which at + first struck me a great deal: this was his having always preserved the + same friends. Whilst he was yet speaking, I said to myself, it would be + cruel for me to be the only exception to this rule. He returned to the + subject so frequently, and with such emphasis, that I thought, if in this + he followed nothing but the sentiments of his heart, he would be less + struck with the maxim, and that he made of it an art useful to his views + by procuring the means of accomplishing them. Until then I had been in the + same situation; I had preserved all my first friends, those even from my + tenderest infancy, without having lost one of them except by death, and + yet I had never before made the reflection: it was not a maxim I had + prescribed myself. Since, therefore, the advantage was common to both, why + did he boast of it in preference, if he had not previously intended to + deprive me of the merit? He afterwards endeavored to humble me by proofs + of the preference our common friends gave to him. With this I was as well + acquainted as himself; the question was, by what means he had obtained it? + whether it was by merit or address? by exalting himself, or endeavoring to + abase me? At last, when he had placed between us all the distance that he + could add to the value of the favor he was about to confer, he granted me + the kiss of peace, in a slight embrace which resembled the accolade which + the king gives to newmade knights. I was stupefied with surprise: I knew + not what to say; not a word could I utter. The whole scene had the + appearance of the reprimand a preceptor gives to his pupil while he + graciously spares inflicting the rod. I never think of it without + perceiving to what degree judgments, founded upon appearances to which the + vulgar give so much weight, are deceitful, and how frequently + audaciousness and pride are found in the guilty, and shame and + embarrassment in the innocent. + </p> + <p> + We were reconciled: this was a relief to my heart, which every kind of + quarrel fills with anguish. It will naturally be supposed that a like + reconciliation changed nothing in his manners; all it effected was to + deprive me of the right of complaining of them. For this reason I took a + resolution to endure everything, and for the future to say not a word. + </p> + <p> + So many successive vexations overwhelmed me to such a degree as to leave + me but little power over my mind. Receiving no answer from Saint Lambert, + neglected by Madam d’Houdetot, and no longer daring to open my heart to + any person, I began to be afraid that by making friendship my idol, I + should sacrifice my whole life to chimeras. After putting all those with + whom I had been acquainted to the test, there remained but two who had + preserved my esteem, and in whom my heart could confide: Duclos, of whom + since my retreat to the Hermitage I had lost sight, and Saint Lambert. I + thought the only means of repairing the wrongs I had done the latter, was + to open myself to him without reserve, and I resolved to confess to him + everything by which his mistress should not be exposed. I have no doubt + but this was another snare of my passions to keep me nearer to her person; + but I should certainly have had no reserve with her lover, entirely + submitting to his direction, and carrying sincerity as far as it was + possible to do it. I was upon the point of writing to him a second letter, + to which I was certain he would have returned an answer, when I learned + the melancholy cause of his silence relative to the first. He had been + unable to support until the end the fatigues of the campaign. Madam + d’Epinay informed me he had had an attack of the palsy, and Madam + d’Houdetot, ill from affliction, wrote me two or three days after from + Paris, that he was going to Aix-la-Chapelle to take the benefit of the + waters. I will not say this melancholy circumstance afflicted me as it did + her; but I am of opinion my grief of heart was as painful as her tears. + The pain of knowing him to be in such a state, increased by the fear least + inquietude should have contributed to occasion it, affected me more than + anything that had yet happened, and I felt most cruelly a want of + fortitude, which in my estimation was necessary to enable me to support so + many misfortunes. Happily this generous friend did not long leave me so + overwhelmed with affliction; he did not forget me, notwithstanding his + attack; and I soon learned from himself that I had ill judged his + sentiments, and been too much alarmed for his situation. It is now time I + should come to the grand revolution of my destiny, to the catastrophe + which has divided my life in two parts so different from each other, and, + from a very trifling cause, produced such terrible effects. + </p> + <p> + One day, little thinking of what was to happen, Madam d’Epinay sent for me + to the Chevrette. The moment I saw her I perceived in her eyes and whole + countenance an appearance of uneasiness, which struck me the more, as this + was not customary, nobody knowing better than she did how to govern her + features and her movements. “My friend,” said she to me, “I am immediately + going to set off for Geneva; my breast is in a bad state, and my health so + deranged that I must go and consult Tronchin.” I was the more astonished + at this resolution so suddenly taken, and at the beginning of the bad + season of the year, as thirty-six hours before she had not, when I left + her, so much as thought of it. I asked her who she would take with her. + She said her son and M. de Linant; and afterwards carelessly added, “And + you, dear, will not you go also?” As I did not think she spoke seriously, + knowing that at the season of the year I was scarcely in a situation to go + to my chamber, I joked upon the utility of the company, of one sick person + to another. She herself had not seemed to make the proposition seriously, + and here the matter dropped. The rest of our conversation ran upon the + necessary preparations for her journey, about which she immediately gave + orders, being determined to set off within a fortnight. She lost nothing + by my refusal, having prevailed upon her husband to accompany her. + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards I received from Diderot the note I am going to + transcribe. This note, simply doubled up, so that the contents were easily + read, was addressed to me at Madam d’Epinay’s, and sent to M. de Linant, + tutor to the son, and confidant to the mother. + </p> + <h3> + NOTE FROM DIDEROT. + </h3> + <p> + “I am naturally disposed to love you, and am born to give you trouble. I + am informed Madam d’Epinay is going to Geneva, and do not hear you are to + accompany her. My friend, you are satisfied with Madam d’Epinay, you must + go, with her; if dissatisfied you ought still less to hesitate. Do you + find the weight of the obligations you are under to her uneasy to you? + This is an opportunity of discharging a part of them, and relieving your + mind. Do you ever expect another opportunity like the present one, of + giving her proofs of your gratitude? She is going to a country where she + will be quite a stranger. She is ill, and will stand in need of amusement + and dissipation. The winter season too! Consider, my friend. Your ill + state of health may be a much greater objection than I think it is; but + are you now more indisposed than you were a month ago, or than you will be + at the beginning of spring? Will you three months hence be in a situation + to perform the journey more at your ease than at present? For my part I + cannot but observe to you that were I unable to bear the shaking of the + carriage I would take my staff and follow her. Have you no fears lest your + conduct should be misinterpreted? You will be suspected of ingratitude or + of a secret motive. I well know, that let you do as you will you will have + in your favor the testimony of your conscience, but will this alone be + sufficient, and is it permitted to neglect to a certain degree that which + is necessary to acquire the approbation of others? What I now write, my + good friend, is to acquit myself of what I think I owe to us both. Should + my letter displease you, throw it into the fire and let it be forgotten. I + salute, love and embrace you.” + </p> + <p> + Although trembling and almost blind with rage whilst I read this epistle, + I remarked the address with which Diderot affected a milder and more + polite language than he had done in his former ones, wherein he never went + further than “My dear,” without ever deigning to add the name of friend. I + easily discovered the secondhand means by which the letter was conveyed to + me; the subscription, manner and form awkwardly betrayed the manoeuvre; + for we commonly wrote to each other by post, or the messenger of + Montmorency, and this was the first and only time he sent me his letter by + any other conveyance. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the first transports of my indignation permitted me to write, + I, with great precipitation, wrote him the following answer, which I + immediately carried from the Hermitage, where I then was, to Chevrette, to + show it to Madam d’ Epinay; to whom, in my blind rage, I read the + contents, as well as the letter from Diderot. + </p> + <p> + “You cannot, my dear friend, either know the magnitude of the obligations + I am under to Madam d’Epinay, to what a degree I am bound by them, whether + or not she is desirous of my accompanying her, that this is possible, or + the reasons I may have for my noncompliance. I have no objection to + discuss all these points with you; but you will in the meantime confess + that prescribing to me so positively what I ought to do, without first + enabling yourself to judge of the matter, is, my dear philosopher, acting + very inconsiderately. What is still worse, I perceive the opinion you give + comes not from yourself. Besides my being but little disposed to suffer + myself to be led by the nose under your name by any third or fourth + person, I observe in this secondary advice certain underhand dealing, + which ill agrees with your candor, and from which you will on your + account, as well as mine, do well in future to abstain. + </p> + <p> + “You are afraid my conduct should be misinterpreted; but I defy a heart + like yours to think ill of mine. Others would perhaps speak better of me + if I resembled them more. God preserve me from gaining their approbation! + Let the vile and wicked watch over my conduct and misinterpret my actions, + Rousseau is not a man to be afraid of them, nor is Diderot to be prevailed + upon to hearken to what they say. + </p> + <p> + “If I am displeased with your letter, you wish me to throw it into the + fire, and pay no attention to the contents. Do you imagine that anything + coming from you can be forgotten in such a manner? You hold, my dear + friend, my tears as cheap in the pain you give me, as you do my life and + health, in the cares you exhort me to take. Could you but break yourself + of this, your friendship would be more pleasing to me, and I should be + less to be pitied.” + </p> + <p> + On entering the chamber of Madam d’Epinay I found Grimm with her, with + which I was highly delighted. I read to them, in a loud and clear voice, + the two letters, with an intrepidity of which I should not have thought + myself capable, and concluded with a few observations not in the least + derogatory to it. At this unexpected audacity in a man generally timid, + they were struck dumb with surprise; I perceived that arrogant man look + down upon the ground, not daring to meet my eyes, which sparkled with + indignation; but in the bottom of his heart he from that instant resolved + upon my destruction, and, with Madam d’ Epinay, I am certain concerted + measures to that effect before they separated. + </p> + <p> + It was much about this time that I at length received, by Madam + d’Houdetot, the answer from Saint Lambert, dated from Wolfenbüttel, a few + days after the accident had happened to him, to my letter which had been + long delayed upon the road. This answer gave me the consolation of which I + then stood so much in need; it was full of assurance of esteem and + friendship, and these gave me strength and courage to deserve them. From + that moment I did my duty, but had Saint Lambert been less reasonable, + generous and honest, I was inevitably lost. + </p> + <p> + The season became bad, and people began to quit the country. Madam + d’Houdetot informed me of the day on which she intended to come and bid + adieu to the valley, and gave me a rendezvous at Eaubonne. This happened + to be the same day on which Madam d’Epinay left the Chevrette to go to + Paris for the purpose of completing preparations for her journey. + Fortunately she set off in the morning, and I had still time to go and + dine with her sister-in-law. I had the letter from Saint Lambert in my + pocket, and read it over several times as I walked along, This letter + served me as a shield against my weakness. I made and kept to the + resolution of seeing nothing in Madam d’Houdetot but my friend and the + mistress of Saint Lambert; and I passed with her a tete-a-tete of four + hours in a most delicious calm, infinitely preferable, even with respect + to enjoyment, to the paroxysms of a burning fever, which, always, until + that moment, I had had when in her presence. As she too well knew my heart + not to be changed, she was sensible of the efforts I made to conquer + myself, and esteemed me the more for them, and I had the pleasure of + perceiving that her friendship for me was not extinguished. She announced + to me the approaching return of Saint Lambert, who, although well enough + recovered from his attack, was unable to bear the fatigues of war, and was + quitting the service to come and live in peace with her. We formed the + charming project of an intimate connection between us three, and had + reason to hope it would be lasting, since it was founded on every + sentiment by which honest and susceptible hearts could be united; and we + had moreover amongst us all the knowledge and talents necessary to be + sufficient to ourselves without the aid of any foreign supplement. Alas! + in abandoning myself to the hope of so agreeable a life I little suspected + that which awaited me. + </p> + <p> + We afterwards spoke of my situation with Madam d’Epinay. I showed her the + letter from Diderot, with my answer to it; I related to her everything + that had passed upon the subject, and declared to her my resolution of + quitting the Hermitage. + </p> + <p> + This she vehemently opposed, and by reasons all powerful over my heart. + She expressed to me how much she could have wished I had been of the party + to Geneva, foreseeing she should inevitably be considered as having caused + the refusal, which the letter of Diderot seemed previously to announce. + However, as she was acquainted with my reasons, she did not insist upon + this point, but conjured me to avoid coming to an open rupture let it cost + me what mortification it would, and to palliate my refusal by reasons + sufficiently plausible to put away all unjust suspicions of her having + been the cause of it. I told her the task she imposed on me was not easy; + but that, resolved to expiate my faults at the expense of my reputation, I + would give the preference to hers in everything that honor permitted me to + suffer. It will soon be seen whether or not I fulfilled this engagement. + </p> + <p> + My passion was so far from having lost any part of its force that I never + in my life loved my Sophia so ardently and tenderly as on that day, but + such was the impression made upon me by the letter of Saint Lambert, the + sentiment of my duty and the horror in which I held perfidy, that during + the whole time of the interview my senses left me in peace, and I was not + so much as tempted to kiss her hand. At parting she embraced me before her + servants. This embrace, so different from those I had sometimes stolen + from her under the foliage, proved I was become master of myself; and I am + certain that had my mind, undisturbed, had time to acquire more firmness, + three months would have cured me radically. + </p> + <p> + Here ends my personal connections with Madam d’Houdetot; connections of + which each has been able to judge by appearance according to the + disposition of his own heart, but in which the passion inspired me by that + amiable woman, the most lively passion, perhaps, man ever felt, will be + honorable in our own eyes by the rare and painful sacrifice we both made + to duty, honor, love, and friendship. We each had too high an opinion of + the other easily to suffer ourselves to do anything derogatory to our + dignity. We must have been unworthy of all esteem had we not set a proper + value upon one like this, and the energy of my sentiments which have + rendered us culpable, was that which prevented us from becoming so. + </p> + <p> + Thus after a long friendship for one of these women, and the strongest + affection for the other, I bade them both adieu the same day, to one never + to see her more, to the other to see her again twice, upon occasions of + which I shall hereafter speak. + </p> + <p> + After their departure, I found myself much embarrassed to fulfill so many + pressing and contradictory duties, the consequences of my imprudence; had + I been in my natural situation, after the proposition and refusal of the + journey to Geneva, I had only to remain quiet, and everything was as it + should be. But I had foolishly made of it an affair which could not remain + in the state it was, and an explanation was absolutely necessary, unless I + quitted the Hermitage, which I had just promised Madam d’Houdetot not to + do, at least for the present. Moreover she had required me to make known + the reasons for my refusal to my pretended friends, that it might not be + imputed to her. Yet I could not state the true reason without doing an + outrage to Madam d’Epinay, who certainly had a right to my gratitude for + what she had done for me. Everything well considered, I found myself + reduced to the severe but indispensable necessity of failing in respect, + either to Madam d’Upinay, Madam d’Houdetot or to myself; and it was the + last I resolved to make my victim. This I did without hesitation, openly + and fully, and with so much generosity as to make the act worthy of + expiating the faults which had reduced me to such an extremity. This + sacrifice, taken advantage of by my enemies, and which they, perhaps, did + not expect, has ruined my reputation, and by their assiduity, deprived me + of the esteem of the public; but it has restored to me my own, and given + me consolation in my misfortune. This, as it will hereafter appear, is not + the last time I made such a sacrifice, nor that advantages were taken of + it to do me an injury. + </p> + <p> + Grimm was the only person who appeared to have taken no part in the + affair, and it was to him I determined to address myself. I wrote him a + long letter, in which I set forth the ridiculousness of considering it as + my duty to accompany Madam d’ Epinay to Geneva, the inutility of the + measure, and the embarrassment even it would have caused her, besides the + inconvenience to myself. I could not resist the temptation of letting him + perceive in this letter how fully I was informed in what manner things + were arranged, and that to me it appeared singular I should be expected to + undertake the journey whilst he himself dispensed with it, and that his + name was never mentioned. This letter, wherein, on account of my not being + able clearly to state my reasons, I was often obliged to wander from the + text, would have rendered me culpable in the eyes of the public, but it + was a model of reservedness and discretion for the people who, like Grimm, + were fully acquainted with the things I forbore to mention, and which + justified my conduct. I did not even hesitate to raise another prejudice + against myself in attributing the advice of Diderot, to my other friends. + This I did to insinuate that Madam d’Houdetot had been in the same opinion + as she really was, and in not mentioning that, upon the reasons I gave + her, she thought differently, I could not better remove the suspicion of + her having connived at my proceedings than appearing dissatisfied with her + behavior. + </p> + <p> + This letter was concluded by an act of confidence which would have had an + effect upon any other man; for, in desiring Grimm to weigh my reasons and + afterwards to give me his opinion, I informed him that, let this be what + it would, I should act accordingly, and such was my intention had he even + thought I ought to set off; for M. d’Epinay having appointed himself the + conductor of his wife, my going with them would then have had a different + appearance; whereas it was I who, in the first place, was asked to take + upon me that employment, and he was out of the question until after my + refusal. + </p> + <p> + The answer from Grimm was slow incoming; it was singular enough, on which + account I will here transcribe it. + </p> + <p> + “The departure of Madam d’Epinay is postponed; her son is ill, and it is + necessary to wait until his health is re-established. I will consider the + contents of your letter. Remain quiet at your Hermitage. I will send you + my opinion as soon as this shall be necessary. As she will certainly not + set off for some days, there is no immediate occasion for it. In the + meantime you may, if you think proper, make her your offers, although this + to me seems a matter of indifference. For, knowing your situation as well + as you do yourself, I doubt not of her returning to your offer such an + answer as she ought to do; and all the advantage which, in my opinion, can + result from this, will be your having it in your power to say to those by + whom you may be importuned, that your not being of the travelling party + was not for want of having made your offers to that effect. Moreover, I do + not see why you will absolutely have it that the philosopher is the + speaking-trumpet of all the world, nor because he is of opinion you ought + to go, why you should imagine all your friends think as he does? If you + write to Madam d’Epinay, her answer will be yours to all your friends, + since you have it so much at heart to give them all an answer. Adieu. I + embrace Madam le Vasseur and the Criminal.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [M. le Vasseur, whose wife governed him rather rudely, called her + the Lieutenant Criminal. Grimm in a joke gave the same name to the + daughter, and by way of abridgment was pleased to retrench the first + word.] +</pre> + <p> + Struck with astonishment at reading this letter I vainly endeavored to + find out what it meant. How! instead of answering me with simplicity, he + took time to consider of what I had written, as if the time he had already + taken was not sufficient! He intimates even the state of suspense in which + he wishes to keep me, as if a profound problem was to be resolved, or that + it was of importance to his views to deprive me of every means of + comprehending his intentions until the moment he should think proper to + make them known. What therefore did he mean by these precautions, delays, + and mysteries? Was this manner of acting consistent with honor and + uprightness? I vainly sought for some favorable interpretation of his + conduct; it was impossible to find one. Whatever his design might be, were + this inimical to me, his situation facilitated the execution of it without + its being possible for me in mine to oppose the least obstacle. In favor + in the house of a great prince, having an extensive acquaintance, and + giving the tone to common circles of which he was the oracle, he had it in + his power, with his usual address, to dispose everything in his favor; and + I, alone in my Hermitage, far removed from all society, without the + benefit of advice, and having no communication with the world, had nothing + to do but to remain in peace. All I did was to write to Madam d’Epinay + upon the illness of her son, as polite a letter as could be written, but + in which I did not fall into the snare of offering to accompany her to + Geneva. + </p> + <p> + After waiting for a long time in the most cruel uncertainty, into which + that barbarous man had plunged me, I learned, at the expiration of eight + or ten days, that Madam d’Epinay was set off, and received from him a + second letter. It contained not more than seven or eight lines which I did + not entirely read. It was a rupture, but in such terms as the most + infernal hatred only can dictate, and these became unmeaning by the + excessive degree of acrimony with which he wished to charge them. He + forbade me his presence as he would have forbidden me his states. All that + was wanting to his letter to make it laughable, was to be read over with + coolness. Without taking a copy of it, or reading the whole of the + contents, I returned it him immediately, accompanied by the following + note: + </p> + <p> + “I refused to admit the force of the just reasons I had of suspicion: I + now, when it is too late, am become sufficiently acquainted with your + character. + </p> + <p> + “This then is the letter upon which you took time to meditate: I return it + to you, it is not for me. You may show mine to the whole world and hate me + openly; this on your part will be a falsehood the less.” + </p> + <p> + My telling he might show my preceding letter related to an article in his + by which his profound address throughout the whole affair will be judged + of. + </p> + <p> + I have observed that my letter might inculpate me in the eyes of persons + unacquainted with the particulars of what had passed. This he was + delighted to discover; but how was he to take advantage of it without + exposing himself? By showing the letter he ran the risk of being + reproached with abusing the confidence of his friend. + </p> + <p> + To relieve himself from this embarrassment he resolved to break with me in + the most violent manner possible, and to set forth in his letter the favor + he did me in not showing mine. He was certain that in my indignation and + anger I should refuse his feigned discretion, and permit him to show my + letter to everybody; this was what he wished for, and everything turned + out as he expected it would. He sent my letter all over Paris, with his + own commentaries upon it, which, however, were not so successful as he had + expected them to be. It was not judged that the permission he had extorted + to make my letter public exempted him from the blame of having so lightly + taken me at my word to do me an injury. People continually asked what + personal complaints he had against me to authorize so violent a hatred. + Finally, it was thought that if even my behavior had been such as to + authorize him to break with me, friendship, although extinguished, had + rights which he ought to have respected. But unfortunately the inhabitants + of Paris are frivolous; remarks of the moment are soon forgotten; the + absent and unfortunate are neglected; the man who prospers secures favor + by his presence; the intriguing and malicious support each other, renew + their vile efforts, and the effects of these, incessantly succeeding each + other, efface everything by which they were preceded. + </p> + <p> + Thus, after having so long deceived me, this man threw aside his mask; + convinced that, in the state to which he had brought things, he no longer + stood in need of it. Relieved from the fear of being unjust towards the + wretch, I left him to his reflections, and thought no more of him. A week + afterwards I received an answer from Madam d’Epinay, dated from Geneva. I + understood from the manner of her letter, in which for the first time in + her life, she put on airs of state with me, that both depending but little + upon the success of their measures, and considering me a man inevitably + lost, their intentions were to give themselves the pleasure of completing + my destruction. + </p> + <p> + In fact, my situation was deplorable. I perceived all my friends withdrew + themselves from me without knowing how or for why. Diderot, who boasted of + the continuation of his attachment, and who, for three months past, had + promised me a visit, did not come. The winter began to make its + appearance, and brought with it my habitual disorders. My constitution, + although vigorous, had been unequal to the combat of so many opposite + passions. I was so exhausted that I had neither strength nor courage + sufficient to resist the most trifling indisposition. Had my engagements, + and the continued remonstrances of Diderot and Madam d’Houdetot then + permitted me to quit the Hermitage, I knew not where to go, nor in what + manner to drag myself along. I remained stupid and immovable. The idea + alone of a step to take, a letter to write, or a word to say, made me + tremble. I could not however do otherwise than reply to the letter of + Madam d’Epinay without acknowledging myself to be worthy of the treatment + with which she and her friend overwhelmed me. I determined upon notifying + to her my sentiments and resolutions, not doubting a moment that from + humanity, generosity, propriety, and the good manner of thinking, I + imagined I had observed in her, notwithstanding her bad one, she would + immediately subscribe to them. My letter was as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HERMITAGE 23d NOV., 1757. +</pre> + <p> + “Were it possible to die of grief I should not now be alive. + </p> + <p> + “But I have at length determined to triumph over everything. Friendship, + madam, is extinguished between us, but that which no longer exists still + has its rights, and I respect them. + </p> + <p> + “I have not forgotten your goodness to me, and you may, on my part, expect + as much gratitude as it is possible to have towards a person I no longer + can love. All further explanation would be useless. I have in my favor my + own conscience, and I return you your letter. + </p> + <p> + “I wished to quit the Hermitage, and I ought to have done it. My friends + pretend I must stay there until spring; and since my friends desire it I + will remain there until that season if you will consent to my stay.” + </p> + <p> + After writing and despatching this letter all I thought of was remaining + quiet at the Hermitage and taking care of my health; of endeavoring to + recover my strength, and taking measures to remove in the spring without + noise or making the rupture public. But these were not the intentions + either of Grimm or Madam d’Epinay, as it will presently appear. + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards, I had the pleasure of receiving from Diderot the + visit he had so frequently promised, and in which he had as constantly + failed. He could not have come more opportunely; he was my oldest friend: + almost the only one who remained to me; the pleasure I felt in seeing him, + as things were circumstanced, may easily be imagined. My heart was full, + and I disclosed it to him. I explained to him several facts which either + had not come to his knowledge, or had been disguised or suppressed. I + informed him, as far as I could do it with propriety, of all that had + passed. I did not affect to conceal from him that with which he was but + too well acquainted, that a passion equally unreasonable and unfortunate, + had been the cause of my destruction; but I never acknowledged that Madam + d’Houdetot had been made acquainted with it, or at least that I had + declared it to her. I mentioned to him the unworthy manoeuvres of Madam + d’Epinay to intercept the innocent letters her sister-in-law wrote to me. + I was determined he should hear the particulars from the mouth of the + persons whom she had attempted to seduce. Theresa related them with great + precision; but what was my astonishment when the mother came to speak, and + I heard her declare and maintain that nothing of this had come to her + knowledge? These were her words from which she would never depart. Not + four days before she herself had recited to me all the particulars Theresa + had just stated, and in presence of my friend she contradicted me to my + face. This, to me, was decisive, and I then clearly saw my imprudence in + having so long a time kept such a woman near me. I made no use of + invective; I scarcely deigned to speak to her a few words of contempt. I + felt what I owed to the daughter, whose steadfast uprightness was a + perfect contrast to the base monoeuvres of the mother. But from the + instant my resolution was taken relative to the old woman, and I waited + for nothing but the moment to put it into execution. + </p> + <p> + This presented itself sooner than I expected. On the 10th of December I + received from Madam d’Epinay the following answer to my preceding letter: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GENEVA, 1st December, 1757. +</pre> + <p> + “After having for several years given you every possible mark of + friendship all I can now do is to pity you. You are very unhappy. I wish + your conscience may be as calm as mine. This may be necessary to the + repose of your whole life. + </p> + <p> + “Since you are determined to quit the Hermitage, and are persuaded that + you ought to do it, I am astonished your friends have prevailed upon you + to stay there. For my part I never consult mine upon my duty, and I have + nothing further to say to you upon your own.” + </p> + <p> + Such an unforeseen dismission, and so fully pronounced, left me not a + moment to hesitate. It was necessary to quit immediately, let the weather + and my health be in what state they might, although I were to sleep in the + woods and upon the snow, with which the ground was then covered, and in + defiance of everything Madam d’Houdetot might say; for I was willing to do + everything to please her except render myself infamous. + </p> + <p> + I never had been so embarrassed in my whole life as I then was; but my + resolution was taken. I swore, let what would happen, not to sleep at the + Hermitage on the night of that day week. I began to prepare for sending + away my effects, resolving to leave them in the open field rather than not + give up the key in the course of the week: for I was determined everything + should be done before a letter could be written to Geneva, and an answer + to it received. I never felt myself so inspired with courage: I had + recovered all my strength. Honor and indignation, upon which Madam + d’Epinay had not calculated, contributed to restore me to vigor. Fortune + aided my audacity. M. Mathas, fiscal procurer, heard of my embarrassment. + He sent to offer me a little house he had in his garden of Mont Louis, at + Montmorency. I accepted it with eagerness and gratitude. The bargain was + soon concluded: I immediately sent to purchase a little furniture to add + to that we already had. My effects I had carted away with a deal of + trouble, and a great expense: notwithstanding the ice and snow my removal + was completed in a couple of days, and on the fifteenth of December I gave + up the keys of the Hermitage, after having paid the wages of the gardener, + not being able to pay my rent. + </p> + <p> + With respect to Madam le Vasseur, I told her we must part; her daughter + attempted to make me renounce my resolution, but I was inflexible. I sent + her off, to Paris in a carriage of the messenger with all the furniture + and effects she and her daughter had in common. I gave her some money, and + engaged to pay her lodging with her children, or elsewhere to provide for + her subsistence as much as it should be possible for me to do it, and + never to let her want bread as long as I should have it myself. + </p> + <p> + Finally the day after my arrival at Mont Louis, I wrote to Madam d’Epinay + the following letter: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MONTMORENCY, 17th December 1757. +</pre> + <p> + “Nothing, madam, is so natural and necessary as to leave your house the + moment you no longer approve of my remaining there. Upon you refusing your + consent to my passing the rest of the winter at the Hermitage I quitted it + on the fifteenth of December. My destiny was to enter it in spite of + myself and to leave it the same. I thank you for the residence you + prevailed upon me to make there, and I would thank you still more had I + paid for it less dear. You are right in believing me unhappy; nobody upon + earth knows better than yourself to what a degree I must be so. If being + deceived in the choice of our friends be a misfortune, it is another not + less cruel to recover from so pleasing an error.” + </p> + <p> + Such is the faithful narrative of my residence at the Hermitage, and of + the reasons which obliged me to leave it. I could not break off the + recital, it was necessary to continue it with the greatest exactness; this + epoch of my life having had upon the rest of it an influence which will + extend to my latest remembrance. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK X. + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0156.jpg" alt="0156 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0156.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he extraordinary + degree of strength a momentary effervescence had given me to quit the + Hermitage, left me the moment I was out of it. I was scarcely established + in my new habitation before I frequently suffered from retentions, which + were accompanied by a new complaint; that of a rupture, from which I had + for some time, without knowing what it was, felt great inconvenience. I + soon was reduced to the most cruel state. The physician Thieiry, my old + friend, came to see me, and made me acquainted with my situation. The + sight of all the apparatus of the infirmities of years, made me severely + feel that when the body is no longer young, the heart is not so with + impunity. The fine season did not restore me, and I passed the whole year, + 1758, in a state of languor, which made me think I was almost at the end + of my career. I saw, with impatience, the closing scene approach. + Recovered from the chimeras of friendship, and detached from everything + which had rendered life desirable to me, I saw nothing more in it that + could make it agreeable; all I perceived was wretchedness and misery, + which prevented me from enjoying myself. I sighed after the moment when I + was to be free and escape from my enemies. But I must follow the order of + events. + </p> + <p> + My retreat to Montmorency seemed to disconcert Madam d’Epinay; probably + she did not expect it. My melancholy situation, the severity of the + season, the general dereliction of me by my friends, all made her and + Grimm believe, that by driving me to the last extremity, they should + oblige me to implore mercy, and thus, by vile meanness, render myself + contemptible, to be suffered to remain in an asylum which honor commanded + me to leave. I left it so suddenly that they had not time to prevent the + step from being taken, and they were reduced to the alternative of double + or quit, to endeavor to ruin me entirely, or to prevail upon me to return. + Grimm chose the former; but I am of opinion Madam d’Epinay would have + preferred the latter, and this from her answer to my last letter, in which + she seemed to have laid aside the airs she had given herself in the + preceding ones, and to give an opening to an accommodation. The long delay + of this answer, for which she made me wait a whole month, sufficiently + indicates the difficulty she found in giving it a proper turn, and the + deliberations by which it was preceded. She could not make any further + advances without exposing herself; but after her former letters, and my + sudden retreat from her house, it is impossible not to be struck with the + care she takes in this letter not to suffer an offensive expression to + escape her. I will copy it at length to enable my reader to judge of what + she wrote: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GENEVA, January 17, 1758. +</pre> + <p> + “SIR: I did not receive your letter of the 17th of December until + yesterday. It was sent me in a box filled with different things, and which + has been all this time upon the road. I shall answer only the postscript. + You may recollect, sir, that we agreed the wages of the gardener of the + Hermitage should pass through your hands, the better to make him feel that + he depended upon you, and to avoid the ridiculous and indecent scenes + which happened in the time of his predecessor. As a proof of this, the + first quarter of his wages were given to you, and a few days before my + departure we agreed I should reimburse you what you had advanced. I know + that of this you, at first, made some difficulty; but I had desired you to + make these advances; it was natural I should acquit myself towards you, + and this we concluded upon. Cahouet informs me that you refused to receive + the money. There is certainly some mistake in the matter. I have given + orders that it may again be offered to you, and I see no reason for your + wishing to pay my gardener, notwithstanding our conventions, and beyond + the term even of your inhabiting the Hermitage. I therefore expect, sir, + that recollecting everything I have the honor to state, you will not + refuse to be reimbursed for the sums you have been pleased to advance for + me.” + </p> + <p> + After what had passed, not having the least confidence in Madam d’ Epinay, + I was unwilling to renew my connection with her; I returned no answer to + this letter, and there our correspondence ended. Perceiving I had taken my + resolution, she took hers; and, entering into all the views of Grimm and + the Coterie Holbachique, she united her efforts with theirs to accomplish + my destruction. Whilst they manoevured at Paris, she did the same at + Geneva. Grimm, who afterwards went to her there, completed what she had + begun. Tronchin, whom they had no difficulty in gaining over, seconded + them powerfully, and became the most violent of my persecutors, without + having against me, any more than Grimm had, the least subject of + complaint. They all three spread in silence that of which the effects were + seen there four years afterwards. + </p> + <p> + They had more trouble at Paris, where I was better known to the citizens, + whose hearts, less disposed to hatred, less easily received its + impressions. The better to direct their blow, they began by giving out + that it was I who had left them. Thence, still feigning to be my friends, + they dexterously spread their malignant accusations by complaining of the + injustice of their friend. Their auditors, thus thrown off their guard, + listened more attentively to what was said of me, and were inclined to + blame my conduct. The secret accusations of perfidy and ingratitude were + made with greater precaution, and by that means with greater effect. I + knew they imputed to me the most atrocious crimes without being able to + learn in what these consisted. All I could infer from public rumor was + that this was founded upon the four following capital offences: my + retiring to the country; my passion for Madam d’Houdetot; my refusing to + accompany Madam d’Epinay to Geneva, and my leaving the Hermitage. If to + these they added other griefs, they took their measures so well that it + has hitherto been impossible for me to learn the subject of them. + </p> + <p> + It is therefore at this period that I think I may fix the establishment of + a system, since adopted by those by whom my fate has been determined, and + which has made such a progress as will seem miraculous to persons who know + not with what facility everything which favors the malignity of man is + established. I will endeavor to explain in a few words what to me appeared + visible in this profound and obscure system. + </p> + <p> + With a name already distinguished and known throughout all Europe, I had + still preserved my primitive simplicity. My mortal aversion to all party + faction and cabal had kept me free and independent, without any other + chain than the attachments of my heart. Alone, a stranger, without family + or fortune, and unconnected with everything except my principles and + duties, I intrepidly followed the paths of uprightness, never flattering + or favoring any person at the expense of truth and justice. Besides, + having lived for two years past in solitude, without observing the course + of events, I was unconnected with the affairs of the world, and not + informed of what passed, nor desirous of being acquainted with it. I lived + four leagues from Paris as much separated from that capital by my + negligence as I should have been in the Island of Tinian by the sea. + </p> + <p> + Grimm, Diderot and D’Holbach were, on the contrary, in the centre of the + vortex, lived in the great world, and divided amongst them almost all the + spheres of it. The great wits, men of letters, men of long robe, and + women, all listened to them when they chose to act in concert. The + advantage three men in this situation united must have over a fourth in + mine, cannot but already appear. It is true Diderot and D’Holbach were + incapable, at least I think so, of forming black conspiracies; one of them + was not base enough, nor the other sufficiently able; but it was for this + reason that the party was more united. Grimm alone formed his plan in his + own mind, and discovered more of it than was necessary to induce his + associates to concur in the execution. The ascendency he had gained over + them made this quite easy, and the effect of the whole answered to the + superiority of his talents. + </p> + <p> + It was with these, which were of a superior kind, that, perceiving the + advantage he might acquire from our respective situations, he conceived + the project of overturning my reputation, and, without exposing himself, + of giving me one of a nature quite opposite, by raising up about me an + edifice of obscurity which it was impossible for me to penetrate, and by + that means throw a light upon his manoevures and unmask him. + </p> + <p> + This enterprise was difficult, because it was necessary to palliate the + iniquity in the eyes of those of whose assistance he stood in need. He had + honest men to deceive, to alienate from me the good opinion of everybody, + and to deprive me of all my friends. What say I? He had to cut off all + communication with me, that not a single word of truth might reach my + ears. Had a single man of generosity come and said to me, “You assume the + appearance of virtue, yet this is the manner in which you are treated, and + these the circumstances by which you are judged: what have you to say?” + truth would have triumphed and Grimm have been undone. Of this he was + fully convinced; but he had examined his own heart and estimated men + according to their merit. I am sorry, for the honor of humanity, that he + judged with so much truth. + </p> + <p> + In these dark and crooked paths his steps to be the more sure were + necessarily slow. He has for twelve years pursued his plan and the most + difficult part of the execution of it is still to come; this is to deceive + the public entirely. He is afraid of this public, and dares not lay his + conspiracy open. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Since this was written he has made the dangerous step with the + fullest and most inconceivable success. I am of opinion it was + Tronchin who inspired him with courage, and supplied him with the + means.] +</pre> + <p> + But he has found the easy means of accompanying it with power, and this + power has the disposal of me. Thus supported he advances with less danger. + The agents of power piquing themselves but little on uprightness, and + still less on candor, he has no longer the indiscretion of an honest man + to fear. His safety is in my being enveloped in an impenetrable obscurity, + and in concealing from me his conspiracy, well knowing that with whatever + art he may have formed it, I could by a single glance of the eye discover + the whole. His great address consists in appearing to favor whilst he + defames me, and in giving to his perfidy an air of generosity. + </p> + <p> + I felt the first effects of this system by the secret accusations of the + Coterie Holbachique without its being possible for me to know in what the + accusations consisted, or to form a probable conjecture as to the nature + of them. De Leyre informed me in his letters that heinous things were + attributed to me. Diderot more mysteriously told me the same thing, and + when I came to an explanation with both, the whole was reduced to the + heads of accusation of which I have already spoken. I perceived a gradual + increase of coolness in the letters from Madam d’Houdetot. This I could + not attribute to Saint Lambert; he continued to write to me with the same + friendship, and came to see me after his return. It was also impossible to + think myself the cause of it, as we had separated well satisfied with each + other, and nothing since that time had happened on my part, except my + departure from the Hermitage, of which she felt the necessity. Therefore, + not knowing whence this coolness, which she refused to acknowledge, + although my heart was not to be deceived, could proceed, I was uneasy upon + every account. I knew she greatly favored her sister-in-law and Grimm, in + consequence of their connections with Saint Lambert; and I was afraid of + their machinations. This agitation opened my wounds, and rendered my + correspondence so disagreeable as quite to disgust her with it. I saw, as + at a distance, a thousand cruel circumstances, without discovering + anything distinctly. I was in a situation the most insupportable to a man + whose imagination is easily heated. Had I been quite retired from the + world, and known nothing of the matter I should have become more calm; but + my heart still clung to attachments, by means of which my enemies had + great advantages over me; and the feeble rays which penetrated my asylum + conveyed to me nothing more than a knowledge of the blackness of the + mysteries which were concealed from my eyes. + </p> + <p> + I should have sunk, I have not a doubt of it, under these torments, too + cruel and insupportable to my open disposition, which, by the + impossibility of concealing my sentiments, makes me fear everything from + those concealed from me, if fortunately objects sufficiently interesting + to my heart to divert it from others with which, in spite of myself, my + imagination was filled, had not presented themselves. In the last visit + Diderot paid me, at the Hermitage, he had spoken of the article ‘Geneva’, + which D’Alembert had inserted in the ‘Encyclopedie’; he had informed me + that this article, concerted with people of the first consideration, had + for object the establishment of a theatre at Geneva, that measures had + been taken accordingly, and that the establishment would soon take place. + As Diderot seemed to think all this very proper, and did not doubt of the + success of the measure, and as I had besides to speak to him upon too many + other subjects to touch upon that article, I made him no answer: but + scandalized at these preparatives to corruption and licentiousness in my + country, I waited with impatience for the volume of the ‘Encyclopedie’, in + which the article was inserted; to see whether or not it would be possible + to give an answer which might ward off the blow. I received the volume + soon after my establishment at Mont Louis, and found the articles to be + written with much art and address, and worthy of the pen whence it + proceeded. This, however, did not abate my desire to answer it, and + notwithstanding the dejection of spirits I then labored under, my griefs + and pains, the severity of the season, and the inconvenience of my new + abode, in which I had not yet had time to arrange myself, I set to work + with a zeal which surmounted every obstacle. + </p> + <p> + In a severe winter, in the month of February, and in the situation I have + described, I went every day, morning and evening, to pass a couple of + hours in an open alcove which was at the bottom of the garden in which my + habitation stood. This alcove, which terminated an alley of a terrace, + looked upon the valley and the pond of Montmorency, and presented to me, + as the closing point of a prospect, the plain but respectable castle of + St. Gratien, the retreat of the virtuous Catinat. It was in this place, + then, exposed to freezing cold, that without being sheltered from the wind + and snow, and having no other fire than that in my heart; I composed, in + the space of three weeks, my letter to D’Alembert on theatres. It was in + this, for my ‘Eloisa’ was not then half written, that I found charms in + philosophical labor. Until then virtuous indignation had been a substitute + to Apollo, tenderness and a gentleness of mind now became so. The + injustice I had been witness to had irritated me, that of which I became + the object rendered me melancholy; and this melancholy without bitterness + was that of a heart too tender and affectionate, and which, deceived by + those in whom it had confided, was obliged to remain concentred. Full of + that which had befallen me, and still affected by so many violent + emotions, my heart added the sentiment of its sufferings to the ideas with + which a meditation on my subject had inspired me; what I wrote bore + evident marks of this mixture. Without perceiving it I described the + situation I was then in, gave portraits of Grimm, Madam d’Epinay, Madam d’ + Houdetot, Saint Lambert and myself. What delicious tears did I shed as I + wrote! Alas! in these descriptions there are proofs but too evident that + love, the fatal love of which I made such efforts to cure myself, still + remained in my heart. With all this there was a certain sentiment of + tenderness relative to myself; I thought I was dying, and imagined I bid + the public my last adieu. Far from fearing death, I joyfully saw it + approach; but I felt some regret at leaving my fellow creatures without + their having perceived my real merit, and being convinced how much I + should have deserved their esteem had they known me better. These are the + secret causes of the singular manner in which this work, opposite to that + of the work by which it was preceded, is written.—[Discours sur + l’Inegalite. Discourse on the Inequality of Mankind.] + </p> + <p> + I corrected and copied the letter, and was preparing to print it when, + after a long silence, I received one from Madam d’Houdetot, which brought + upon me a new affliction more painful than any I had yet suffered. She + informed me that my passion for her was known to all Paris, that I had + spoken of it to persons who had made it public, that this rumor, having + reached the ears of her lover, had nearly cost him his life; yet he did + her justice, and peace was restored between them; but on his account, as + well as on hers, and for the sake of her reputation, she thought it her + duty to break off all correspondence with me, at the same time assuring me + that she and her friend were both interested in my welfare, that they + would defend me to the public, and that she herself would, from time to + time, send to inquire after my health. + </p> + <p> + “And thou also, Diderot,” exclaimed I, “unworthy friend!” + </p> + <p> + I could not, however, yet resolve to condemn him. My weakness was known to + others who might have spoken of it. I wished to doubt, but this was soon + out of my power. Saint Lambert shortly after performed an action worthy of + himself. Knowing my manner of thinking, he judged of the state in which I + must be; betrayed by one part of my friends and forsaken by the other. He + came to see me. The first time he had not many moments to spare. He came + again. Unfortunately, not expecting him, I was not at home. Theresa had + with him a conversation of upwards of two hours, in which they informed + each other of facts of great importance to us all. The surprise with which + I learned that nobody doubted of my having lived with Madam d’Epinay, as + Grimm then did, cannot be equalled, except by that of Saint Lambert, when + he was convinced that the rumor was false. He, to the great + dissatisfaction of the lady, was in the same situation with myself, and + the eclaircissements resulting from the conversation removed from me all + regret, on account of my having broken with her forever. Relative to Madam + d’Houdetot, he mentioned several circumstances with which neither Theresa + nor Madam d’Houdetot herself were acquainted; these were known to me only + in the first instance, and I had never mentioned them except to Diderot, + under the seal of friendship; and it was to Saint Lambert himself to whom + he had chosen to communicate them. This last step was sufficient to + determine me. I resolved to break with Diderot forever, and this without + further deliberation, except on the manner of doing it; for I had + perceived secret ruptures turned to my prejudice, because they left the + mask of friendship in possession of my most cruel enemies. + </p> + <p> + The rules of good breeding, established in the world on this head, seem to + have been dictated by a spirit of treachery and falsehood. To appear the + friend of a man when in reality we are no longer so, is to reserve to + ourselves the means of doing him an injury by surprising honest men into + an error. I recollected that when the illustrious Montesquieu broke with + Father de Tournemine, he immediately said to everybody: “Listen neither to + Father Tournemine nor myself, when we speak of each other, for we are no + longer friends.” This open and generous proceeding was universally + applauded. I resolved to follow the example with Diderot; but what method + was I to take to publish the rupture authentically from my retreat, and + yet without scandal? I concluded on inserting in the form of a note, in my + work, a passage from the book of Ecclesiasticus, which declared the + rupture and even the subject of it, in terms sufficiently clear to such as + were acquainted with the previous circumstances, but could signify nothing + to the rest of the world. I determined not to speak in my work of the + friend whom I renounced, except with the honor always due to extinguished + friendship. The whole may be seen in the work itself. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing in this world but time and misfortune, and every act of + courage seems to be a crime in adversity. For that which has been admired + in Montesquieu, I received only blame and reproach. As soon as my work was + printed, and I had copies of it, I sent one to Saint Lambert, who, the + evening before, had written to me in his own name and that of Madam d’ + Houdetot, a note expressive of the most tender friendship. + </p> + <p> + The following is the letter he wrote to me when he returned the copy I had + sent him. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + EAUBONNE, 10th October, 1758. +</pre> + <p> + “Indeed, sir, I cannot accept the present you have just made me. In that + part of your preface where, relative to Diderot, you quote a passage from + Ecclesiastes (he mistakes, it is from Ecclesiasticus) the book dropped + from my hand. In the conversations we had together in the summer, you + seemed to be persuaded Diderot was not guilty of the pretended + indiscretions you had imputed to him. You may, for aught I know to the + contrary, have reason to complain of him, but this does not give you a + right to insult him publicly. You are not unacquainted with the nature of + the persecutions he suffers, and you join the voice of an old friend to + that of envy. I cannot refrain from telling you, sir, how much this + heinous act of yours has shocked me. I am not acquainted with Diderot, but + I honor him, and I have a lively sense of the pain you give to a man, + whom, at least not in my hearing, you have never reproached with anything + more than a trifling weakness. You and I, sir, differ too much in our + principles ever to be agreeable to each other. Forget that I exist; this + you will easily do. I have never done to men either good or evil of a + nature to be long remembered. I promise you, sir, to forget your person + and to remember nothing relative to you but your talents.” + </p> + <p> + This letter filled me with indignation and affliction; and, in the excess + of my pangs, feeling my pride wounded, I answered him by the following + note: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MONTMORENCY, 11th October, 1758. +</pre> + <p> + “SIR: While reading your letter, I did you the honor to be surprised at + it, and had the weakness to suffer it to affect me; but I find it unworthy + of an answer. + </p> + <p> + “I will no longer continue the copies of Madam d’Houdetot. If it be not + agreeable to her to keep that she has, she may send it me back and I will + return her money. If she keeps it, she must still send for the rest of her + paper and the money; and at the same time I beg she will return me the + prospectus which she has in her possession. Adieu, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Courage under misfortune irritates the hearts of cowards, but it is + pleasing to generous minds. This note seemed to make Saint Lambert reflect + with himself and to regret his having been so violent; but too haughty in + his turn to make open advances, he seized and perhaps prepared, the + opportunity of palliating what he had done. + </p> + <p> + A fortnight afterwards I received from Madam d’Epinay the following + letter: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Thursday, 26th. +</pre> + <p> + “SIR: I received the book you had the goodness to send me, and which I + have read with much pleasure. I have always experienced the same sentiment + in reading all the works which have come from your pen. Receive my thanks + for the whole. I should have returned you these in person had my affairs + permitted me to remain any time in your neighborhood; but I was not this + year long at the Chevrette. M. and Madam Dupin come there on Sunday to + dinner. I expect M. de Saint Lambert, M. de Francueil, and Madam + d’Houdetot will be of the party; you will do me much pleasure by making + one also. All the persons who are to dine with me, desire, and will, as + well as myself, be delighted to pass with you a part of the day. I have + the honor to be with the most perfect consideration,” etc. + </p> + <p> + This letter made my heart beat violently; after having for a year past + been the subject of conversation of all Paris, the idea of presenting + myself as a spectacle before Madam d’Houdetot, made me tremble, and I had + much difficulty to find sufficient courage to support that ceremony. Yet + as she and Saint Lambert were desirous of it, and Madam d’Epinay spoke in + the name of her guests without naming one whom I should not be glad to + see, I did not think I should expose myself accepting a dinner to which I + was in some degree invited by all the persons who with myself were to + partake of it. I therefore promised to go: on Sunday the weather was bad, + and Madam D’Epinay sent me her carriage. + </p> + <p> + My arrival caused a sensation. I never met a better reception. An observer + would have thought the whole company felt how much I stood in need of + encouragement. None but French hearts are susceptible of this kind of + delicacy. However, I found more people than I expected to see. Amongst + others the Comte d’ Houdetot, whom I did not know, and his sister Madam de + Blainville, without whose company I should have been as well pleased. She + had the year before came several times to Eaubonne, and her sister-in-law + had left her in our solitary walks to wait until she thought proper to + suffer her to join us. She had harbored a resentment against me, which + during this dinner she gratified at her ease. The presence of the Comte d’ + Houdetot and Saint Lambert did not give me the laugh on my side, and it + may be judged that a man embarrassed in the most common conversations was + not very brilliant in that which then took place. I never suffered so + much, appeared so awkward, or received more unexpected mortifications. As + soon as we had risen from table, I withdrew from that wicked woman; I had + the pleasure of seeing Saint Lambert and Madam d’Houdetot approach me, and + we conversed together a part of the afternoon, upon things very + indifferent it is true, but with the same familiarity as before my + involuntary error. This friendly attention was not lost upon my heart, and + could Saint Lambert have read what passed there, he certainly would have + been satisfied with it. I can safely assert that although on my arrival + the presence of Madam d’Houdetot gave me the most violent palpitations, on + returning from the house I scarcely thought of her; my mind was entirely + taken up with Saint Lambert. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the malignant sarcasms of Madam de Blainville, the dinner + was of great service to me, and I congratulated myself upon not having + refused the invitation. I not only discovered that the intrigues of Grimm + and the Holbachiens had not deprived me of my old acquaintance, but, what + flattered me still more, that Madam d’Houdetot and Saint Lambert were less + changed than I had imagined, and I at length understood that his keeping + her at a distance from me proceeded more from jealousy than from + disesteem. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Such in the simplicity of my heart was my opinion when I wrote + these confessions.] +</pre> + <p> + This was a consolation to me, and calmed my mind. Certain of not being an + object of contempt in the eyes of persons whom I esteemed, I worked upon + my own heart with greater courage and success. If I did not quite + extinguish in it a guilty and an unhappy passion, I at least so well + regulated the remains of it that they have never since that moment led me + into the most trifling error. The copies of Madam d’ Houdetot, which she + prevailed upon me to take again, and my works, which I continued to send + her as soon as they appeared, produced me from her a few notes and + messages, indifferent but obliging. She did still more, as will hereafter + appear, and the reciprocal conduct of her lover and myself, after our + intercourse had ceased, may serve as an example of the manner in which + persons of honor separate when it is no longer agreeable to them to + associate with each other. + </p> + <p> + Another advantage this dinner procured me was its being spoken of in + Paris, where it served as a refutation of the rumor spread by my enemies, + that I had quarrelled with every person who partook of it, and especially + with M. d’Epinay. When I left the Hermitage I had written him a very + polite letter of thanks, to which he answered not less politely, and + mutual civilities had continued, as well between us as between me and M. + de la Lalive, his brother-in-law, who even came to see me at Montmorency, + and sent me some of his engravings. Excepting the two sisters-in-law of + Madam d’Houdetot, I have never been on bad terms with any person of the + family. + </p> + <p> + My letter to D’Alembert had great success. All my works had been very well + received, but this was more favorable to me. It taught the public to guard + against the insinuations of the Coterie Holbachique. When I went to the + Hermitage, this Coterie predicted with its usual sufficiency, that I + should not remain there three months. When I had stayed there twenty + months, and was obliged to leave it, I still fixed my residence in the + country. The Coterie insisted this was from a motive of pure obstinacy, + and that I was weary even to death of my retirement; but that, eaten up + with pride, I chose rather to become a victim of my stubbornness than to + recover from it and return to Paris. The letter to D’Alembert breathed a + gentleness of mind which every one perceived not to be affected. Had I + been dissatisfied with my retreat, my style and manner would have borne + evident marks of my ill-humor. This reigned in all the works I had written + in Paris; but in the first I wrote in the country not the least appearance + of it was to be found. To persons who knew how to distinguish, this remark + was decisive. They perceived I was returned to my element. + </p> + <p> + Yet the same work, notwithstanding all the mildness it breathed, made me + by a mistake of my own and my usual ill-luck, another enemy amongst men of + letters. I had become acquainted with Marmontel at the house of M. de la + Popliniere, and his acquaintance had been continued at that of the baron. + Marmontel at that time wrote the ‘Mercure de France’. As I had too much + pride to send my works to the authors of periodical publications, and + wishing to send him this without his imagining it was in consequence of + that title, or being desirous he should speak of it in the Mercure, I + wrote upon the book that it was not for the author of the Mercure, but for + M. Marmontel. I thought I paid him a fine compliment; he mistook it for a + cruel offence, and became my irreconcilable enemy. He wrote against the + letter with politeness, it is true, but with a bitterness easily + perceptible, and since that time has never lost an opportunity of injuring + me in society, and of indirectly ill-treating me in his works. Such + difficulty is there in managing the irritable self-love of men of letters, + and so careful ought every person to be not to leave anything equivocal in + the compliments they pay them. + </p> + <p> + Having nothing more to disturb me, I took advantage of my leisure and + independence to continue my literary pursuits with more coherence. I this + winter finished my Eloisa, and sent it to Rey, who had it printed the year + following. I was, however, interrupted in my projects by a circumstance + sufficiently disagreeable. I heard new preparations were making at the + opera-house to give the ‘Devin du Village’. Enraged at seeing these people + arrogantly dispose of my property, I again took up the memoir I had sent + to M. D’Argenson, to which no answer had been returned, and having made + some trifling alterations in it, I sent the manuscript by M. Sellon, + resident from Geneva, and a letter with which he was pleased to charge + himself, to the Comte de St. Florentin, who had succeeded M. D’Argenson in + the opera department. Duclos, to whom I communicated what I had done, + mentioned it to the ‘petits violons’, who offered to restore me, not my + opera, but my freedom of the theatre, which I was no longer in a situation + to enjoy. Perceiving I had not from any quarter the least justice to + expect, I gave up the affair; and the directors of the opera, without + either answering or listening to my reasons, have continued to dispose as + of their own property, and to turn to their profit, the Devin du Village, + which incontestably belongs to nobody but myself. + </p> + <p> + Since I had shaken off the yoke of my tyrants, I led a life sufficiently + agreeable and peaceful; deprived of the charm of too strong attachments I + was delivered from the weight of their chains. Disgusted with the friends + who pretended to be my protectors, and wished absolutely to dispose of me + at will, and in spite of myself, to subject me to their pretended good + services, I resolved in future to have no other connections than those of + simple benevolence. These, without the least constraint upon liberty, + constitute the pleasure of society, of which equality is the basis. I had + of them as many as were necessary to enable me to taste of the charm of + liberty without being subject to the dependence of it; and as soon as I + had made an experiment of this manner of life, I felt it was the most + proper to my age, to end my days in peace, far removed from the + agitations, quarrels and cavillings in which I had just been half + submerged. + </p> + <p> + During my residence at the Hermitage, and after my settlement at + Montmorency, I had made in the neighborhood some agreeable acquaintance, + and which did not subject me to any inconvenience. The principal of these + was young Loyseau de Mauleon, who, then beginning to plead at the bar, did + not yet know what rank he would one day hold there. I for my part was not + in the least doubt about the matter. I soon pointed out to him the + illustrious career in the midst of which he is now seen, and predicted + that, if he laid down to himself rigid rules for the choice of causes, and + never became the defender of anything but virtue and justice, his genius, + elevated by this sublime sentiment, would be equal to that of the greatest + orators. He followed my advice, and now feels the good effects of it. His + defence of M. de Portes is worthy of Demosthenes. He came every year + within a quarter of a league of the Hermitage to pass the vacation at St. + Brice, in the fief of Mauleon, belonging to his mother, and where the + great Bossuet had formerly lodged. This is a fief, of which a like + succession of proprietors would render nobility difficult to support. + </p> + <p> + I had also for a neighbor in the same village of St. Brice, the bookseller + Guerin, a man of wit, learning, of an amiable disposition, and one of the + first in his profession. He brought me acquainted with Jean Neaulme, + bookseller of Amsterdam, his friend and correspondent, who afterwards + printed Emilius. + </p> + <p> + I had another acquaintance still nearer than St. Brice, this was M. + Maltor, vicar of Groslay, a man better adapted for the functions of a + statesman and a minister, than for those of the vicar of a village, and to + whom a diocese at least would have been given to govern if talents decided + the disposal of places. He had been secretary to the Comte de Luc, and was + formerly intimately acquainted with Jean Bapiste Rousseau. Holding in as + much esteem the memory of that illustrious exile, as he held the villain + who ruined him in horror; he possessed curious anecdotes of both, which + Segur had not inserted in the life, still in manuscript, of the former, + and he assured me that the Comte de Luc, far from ever having had reason + to complain of his conduct, had until his last moment preserved for him + the warmest friendship. M. Maltor, to whom M. de Vintimille gave this + retreat after the death of his patron, had formerly been employed in many + affairs of which, although far advanced in years, he still preserved a + distinct remembrance, and reasoned upon them tolerably well. His + conversation, equally amusing and instructive, had nothing in it + resembling that of a village pastor: he joined the manners of a man of the + world to the knowledge of one who passes his life in study. He, of all my + permanent neighbors, was the person whose society was the most agreeable + to me. + </p> + <p> + I was also acquainted at Montmorency with several fathers of the oratory, + and amongst others Father Berthier, professor of natural philosophy; to + whom, notwithstanding some little tincture of pedantry, I become attached + on account of a certain air of cordial good nature which I observed in + him. I had, however, some difficulty to reconcile this great simplicity + with the desire and the art he had of everywhere thrusting himself into + the company of the great, as well as that of the women, devotees, and + philosophers. He knew how to accommodate himself to every one. I was + greatly pleased with the man, and spoke of my satisfaction to all my other + acquaintances. Apparently what I said of him came to his ear. He one day + thanked me for having thought him a good-natured man. I observed something + in his forced smile which, in my eyes, totally changed his physiognomy, + and which has since frequently occurred to my mind. I cannot better + compare this smile than to that of Panurge purchasing the Sheep of + Dindenaut. Our acquaintance had begun a little time after my arrival at + the Hermitage, to which place he frequently came to see me. I was already + settled at Montmorency when he left it to go and reside at Paris. He often + saw Madam le Vasseur there. One day, when I least expected anything of the + kind, he wrote to me in behalf of that woman, informing me that Grimm + offered to maintain her, and to ask my permission to accept the offer. + This I understood consisted in a pension of three hundred livres, and that + Madam le Vasseur was to come and live at Deuil, between the Chevrette and + Montmorency. I will not say what impression the application made on me. It + would have been less surprising had Grimm had ten thousand livres a year, + or any relation more easy to comprehend with that woman, and had not such + a crime been made of my taking her to the country, where, as if she had + become younger, he was now pleased to think of placing her. I perceived + the good old lady had no other reason for asking my permission, which she + might easily have done without, but the fear of losing what I already gave + her, should I think ill of the step she took. Although this charity + appeared to be very extraordinary, it did not strike me so much then as + afterwards. But had I known even everything I have since discovered, I + should still as readily have given my consent as I did and was obliged to + do, unless I had exceeded the offer of M. Grimm. Father Berthier + afterwards cured me a little of my opinion of his good nature and + cordiality, with which I had so unthinkingly charged him. + </p> + <p> + This same Father Berthier was acquainted with two men, who, for what + reason I know not, were to become so with me; there was but little + similarity between their taste and mine. They were the children of + Melchisedec, of whom neither the country nor the family was known, no more + than, in all probability, the real name. They were Jansenists, and passed + for priests in disguise, perhaps on account of their ridiculous manner of + wearing long swords, to which they appeared to have been fastened. The + prodigious mystery in all their proceedings gave them the appearance of + the heads of a party, and I never had the least doubt of their being the + authors of the ‘Gazette Ecclesiastique’. The one, tall, smooth-tongued, + and sharping, was named Ferrand; the other, short, squat, a sneerer, and + punctilious, was a M. Minard. They called each other cousin. They lodged + at Paris with D’Alembert, in the house of his nurse named Madam Rousseau, + and had taken at Montmorency a little apartment to pass the summers there. + They did everything for themselves, and had neither a servant nor runner; + each had his turn weekly to purchase provisions, do the business of the + kitchen, and sweep the house. They managed tolerably well, and we + sometimes ate with each other. I know not for what reason they gave + themselves any concern about me: for my part, my only motive for beginning + an acquaintance with them was their playing at chess, and to make a poor + little party I suffered four hours’ fatigue. As they thrust themselves + into all companies, and wished to intermeddle in everything, Theresa + called them the gossips, and by this name they were long known at + Montmorency. + </p> + <p> + Such, with my host M. Mathas, who was a good man, were my principal + country acquaintance. I still had a sufficient number at Paris to live + there agreeably whenever I chose it, out of the sphere of men of letters, + amongst whom Duclos, was the only friend I reckoned: for De Leyre was + still too young, and although, after having been a witness to the + manoeuvres of the philosophical tribe against me, he had withdrawn from + it, at least I thought so, I could not yet forget the facility with which + he made himself the mouthpiece of all the people of that description. + </p> + <p> + In the first place I had my old and respectable friend Roguin. This was a + good old-fashioned friend for whom I was not indebted to my writings but + to myself, and whom for that reason I have always preserved. I had the + good Lenieps, my countryman, and his daughter, then alive, Madam Lambert. + I had a young Genevese, named Coindet, a good creature, careful, + officious, zealous, who came to see me soon after I had gone to reside at + the Hermitage, and, without any other introducer than himself, had made + his way into my good graces. He had a taste for drawing, and was + acquainted with artists. He was of service to me relative to the + engravings of the New Eloisa; he undertook the direction of the drawings + and the plates, and acquitted himself well of the commission. + </p> + <p> + I had free access to the house of M. Dupin, which, less brilliant than in + the young days of Madam Dupin, was still, by the merit of the heads of the + family, and the choice of company which assembled there, one of the best + houses in Paris. As I had not preferred anybody to them, and had separated + myself from their society to live free and independent, they had always + received me in a friendly manner, and I was always certain of being well + received by Madam Dupin. I might even have counted her amongst my country + neighbors after her establishment at Clichy, to which place I sometimes + went to pass a day or two, and where I should have been more frequently + had Madam Dupin and Madam de Chenonceaux been upon better terms. But the + difficulty of dividing my time in the same house between two women whose + manner of thinking was unfavorable to each other, made this disagreeable: + however I had the pleasure of seeing her more at my ease at Deuil, where, + at a trifling distance from me, she had taken a small house, and even at + my own habitation, where she often came to see me. + </p> + <p> + I had likewise for a friend Madam de Crequi, who, having become devout, no + longer received D’Alembert, Marmontel, nor a single man of letters, + except, I believe the Abbe Trublet, half a hypocrite, of whom she was + weary. I, whose acquaintance she had sought, lost neither her good wishes + nor intercourse. She sent me young fat pullets from Mons, and her + intention was to come and see me the year following had not a journey, + upon which Madam de Luxembourg determined, prevented her. I here owe her a + place apart; she will always hold a distinguished one in my remembrance. + </p> + <p> + In this list I should also place a man whom, except Roguin, I ought to + have mentioned as the first upon it; my old friend and brother politician, + De Carrio, formerly titulary secretary to the embassy from Spain to + Venice, afterwards in Sweden, where he was charge des affaires, and at + length really secretary to the embassy from Spain at Paris. He came and + surprised me at Montmorency when I least expected him. He was decorated + with the insignia of a Spanish order, the name of which I have forgotten, + with a fine cross in jewelry. He had been obliged, in his proofs of + nobility, to add a letter to his name, and to bear that of the Chevalier + de Carrion. I found him still the same man, possessing the same excellent + heart, and his mind daily improving, and becoming more and more amiable. + We would have renewed our former intimacy had not Coindet interposed + according to custom, taken advantage of the distance I was at from town to + insinuate himself into my place, and, in my name, into his confidence, and + supplant me by the excess of his zeal to render me services. + </p> + <p> + The remembrance of Carrion makes me recollect one of my country neighbors, + of whom I should be inexcusable not to speak, as I have to make confession + of an unpardonable neglect of which I was guilty towards him: this was the + honest M. le Blond, who had done me a service at Venice, and, having made + an excursion to France with his family, had taken a house in the country, + at Birche, not far from Montmorency. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [When I wrote this, full of my blind confidence, I was far from + suspecting the real motive and the effect of his journey to Paris.] +</pre> + <p> + As soon as I heard he was my neighbor, I, in the joy of my heart, and + making it more a pleasure than a duty, went to pay him a visit. I set off + upon this errand the next day. I was met by people who were coming to see + me, and with whom I was obliged to return. Two days afterwards I set off + again for the same purpose: he had dined at Paris with all his family. A + third time he was at home: I heard the voice of women, and saw, at the + door, a coach which alarmed me. I wished to see him, at least for the + first time, quite at my ease, that we might talk over what had passed + during our former connection. + </p> + <p> + In fine, I so often postponed my visit from day to day, that the shame of + discharging a like duty so late prevented me from doing it at all; after + having dared to wait so long, I no longer dared to present myself. This + negligence, at which M. le Blond could not but be justly offended, gave, + relative to him, the appearance of ingratitude to my indolence, and yet I + felt my heart so little culpable that, had it been in my power to do M. le + Blond the least service, even unknown to himself, I am certain he would + not have found me idle. But indolence, negligence and delay in little + duties to be fulfilled have been more prejudicial to me than great vices. + My greatest faults have been omissions: I have seldom done what I ought + not to have done, and unfortunately it has still more rarely happened that + I have done what I ought. + </p> + <p> + Since I am now upon the subject of my Venetian acquaintance, I must not + forget one which I still preserved for a considerable time after my + intercourse with the rest had ceased. This was M. de Joinville, who + continued after his return from Genoa to show me much friendship. He was + fond of seeing me and of conversing with me upon the affairs of Italy, and + the follies of M. de Montaigu, of whom he of himself knew many anecdotes, + by means of his acquaintance in the office for foreign affairs in which he + was much connected. I had also the pleasure of seeing at my house my old + comrade Dupont who had purchased a place in the province of which he was, + and whose affairs had brought him to Paris. M. de Joinville became by + degrees so desirous of seeing me, that he in some measure laid me under + constraint; and, although our places of residence were at a great distance + from each other, we had a friendly quarrel when I let a week pass without + going to dine with him. When he went to Joinville he was always desirous + of my accompanying him; but having once been there to pass a week I had + not the least desire to return. M. de Joinville was certainly an honest + man, and even amiable in certain respects but his understanding was + beneath mediocrity; he was handsome, rather fond of his person and + tolerably fatiguing. He had one of the most singular collections perhaps + in the world, to which he gave much of his attention and endeavored to + acquire it that of his friends, to whom it sometimes afforded less + amusement than it did to himself. This was a complete collection of songs + of the court and Paris for upwards of fifty years past, in which many + anecdotes were to be found that would have been sought for in vain + elsewhere. These are memoirs for the history of France, which would + scarcely be thought of in any other country. + </p> + <p> + One day, whilst we were still upon the very best terms, he received me so + coldly and in a manner so different from that which was customary to him, + that after having given him an opportunity to explain, and even having + begged him to do it, I left his house with a resolution, in which I have + persevered, never to return to it again; for I am seldom seen where I have + been once ill received, and in this case there was no Diderot who pleaded + for M. de Joinville. I vainly endeavored to discover what I had done to + offend him; I could not recollect a circumstance at which he could + possibly have taken offence. I was certain of never having spoken of him + or his in any other than in the most honorable manner; for he had acquired + my friendship, and besides my having nothing but favorable things to say + of him, my most inviolable maxim has been that of never speaking but in an + honorable manner of the houses I frequented. + </p> + <p> + At length, by continually ruminating. I formed the following conjecture: + the last time we had seen each other, I had supped with him at the + apartment of some girls of his acquaintance, in company with two or three + clerks in the office of foreign affairs, very amiable men, and who had + neither the manner nor appearance of libertines; and on my part, I can + assert that the whole evening passed in making melancholy reflections on + the wretched fate of the creatures with whom we were. I did not pay + anything, as M. de Joinville gave the supper, nor did I make the girls the + least present, because I gave them not the opportunity I had done to the + padoana of establishing a claim to the trifle I might have offered. We all + came away together, cheerfully and upon very good terms. Without having + made a second visit to the girls, I went three or four days afterwards to + dine with M. de Joinville, whom I had not seen during that interval, and + who gave me the reception of which I have spoken. Unable to suppose any + other cause for it than some misunderstanding relative to the supper, and + perceiving he had no inclination to explain, I resolved to visit him no + longer, but I still continued to send him my works: he frequently sent me + his compliments, and one evening, meeting him in the green-room of the + French theatre, he obligingly reproached me with not having called to see + him, which, however, did not induce me to depart from my resolution. + Therefore this affair had rather the appearance of a coolness than a + rupture. However, not having heard of nor seen him since that time, it + would have been too late after an absence of several years, to renew my + acquaintance with him. It is for this reason M. de Joinville is not named + in my list, although I had for a considerable time frequented his house. + </p> + <p> + I will not swell my catalogue with the names of many other persons with + whom I was or had become less intimate, although I sometimes saw them in + the country, either at my own house or that of some neighbor, such for + instance as the Abbes de Condillac and De Malby, MM. de Mairan, de Lalive, + De Boisgelou, Vatelet, Ancelet, and others. I will also pass lightly over + that of M. de Margency, gentleman in ordinary of the king, an ancient + member of the ‘Coterie Holbachique’, which he had quitted as well as + myself, and the old friend of Madam d’Epinay from whom he had separated as + I had done; I likewise consider that of M. Desmahis, his friend, the + celebrated but short-lived author of the comedy of the Impertinent, of + much the same importance. The first was my neighbor in the country, his + estate at Margency being near to Montmorency. We were old acquaintances, + but the neighborhood and a certain conformity of experience connected us + still more. The last died soon afterwards. He had merit and even wit, but + he was in some degree the original of his comedy, and a little of a + coxcomb with women, by whom he was not much regretted. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0178.jpg" alt="0178 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0178.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + I cannot, however, omit taking notice of a new correspondence I entered + into at this period, which has had too much influence over the rest of my + life not to make it necessary for me to mark its origin. The person in + question is De Lamoignon de Malesherbes of the ‘Cour des aides’, then + censor of books, which office he exercised with equal intelligence and + mildness, to the great satisfaction of men of letters. I had not once been + to see him at Paris; yet I had never received from him any other than the + most obliging condescensions relative to the censorship, and I knew that + he had more than once very severely reprimanded persons who had written + against me. I had new proofs of his goodness upon the subject of the + edition of Eloisa. The proofs of so great a work being very expensive from + Amsterdam by post, he, to whom all letters were free, permitted these to + be addressed to him, and sent them to me under the countersign of the + chancellor his father. When the work was printed he did not permit the + sale of it in the kingdom until, contrary to my wishes, an edition had + been sold for my benefit. As the profit of this would on my part have been + a theft committed upon Rey, to whom I had sold the manuscript, I not only + refused to accept the present intended me, without his consent, which he + very generously gave, but persisted upon dividing with him the hundred + pistoles (a thousand livres—forty pounds), the amount of it but of + which he would not receive anything. For these hundred pistoles I had the + mortification, against which M. de Malesherbes had not guarded me, of + seeing my work horribly mutilated, and the sale of the good edition + stopped until the bad one was entirely disposed of. + </p> + <p> + I have always considered M. de Malesherbes as a man whose uprightness was + proof against every temptation. Nothing that has happened has even made me + doubt for a moment of his probity; but, as weak as he is polite, he + sometimes injures those he wishes to serve by the excess of his zeal to + preserve them from evil. He not only retrenched a hundred pages in the + edition of Paris, but he made another retrenchment, which no person but + the author could permit himself to do, in the copy of the good edition he + sent to Madam de Pompadour. It is somewhere said in that work that the + wife of a coal-heaver is more respectable than the mistress of a prince. + This phrase had occurred to me in the warmth of composition without any + application. In reading over the work I perceived it would be applied, yet + in consequence of the very imprudent maxim I had adopted of not + suppressing anything, on account of the application which might be made, + when my conscience bore witness to me that I had not made them at the time + I wrote, I determined not to expunge the phrase, and contented myself with + substituting the word Prince to King, which I had first written. This + softening did not seem sufficient to M. de Malesherbes: he retrenched the + whole expression in a new sheet which he had printed on purpose and stuck + in between the other with as much exactness as possible in the copy of + Madam de Pompadour. She was not ignorant of this manoeuvre. Some + good-natured people took the trouble to inform her of it. For my part, it + was not until a long time afterwards, and when I began to feel the + consequences of it, that the matter came to my knowledge. + </p> + <p> + Is not this the origin of the concealed but implacable hatred of another + lady who was in a like situation, without my knowing it, or even being + acquainted with her person when I wrote the passage? When the book was + published the acquaintance was made, and I was very uneasy. I mentioned + this to the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who laughed at me, and said the lady was + so little offended that she had not even taken notice of the matter. I + believed him, perhaps rather too lightly, and made myself easy when there + was much reason for my being otherwise. + </p> + <p> + At the beginning of the winter I received an additional mark of the + goodness of M. de Malesherbes of which I was very sensible, although I did + not think proper to take advantage of it. A place was vacant in the + ‘Journal des Savans’. Margency wrote to me, proposing to me the place, as + from himself. But I easily perceived from the manner of the letter that he + was dictated to and authorized; he afterwards told me he had been desired + to make me the offer. The occupations of this place were but trifling. All + I should have had to do would have been to make two abstracts a month, + from the books brought to me for that purpose, without being under the + necessity of going once to Paris, not even to pay the magistrate a visit + of thanks. By this employment I should have entered a society of men of + letters of the first merit; M. de Mairan, Clairaut, De Guignes and the + Abbe Barthelemi, with the first two of whom I had already made an + acquaintance, and that of the two others was very desirable. In fine, for + this trifling employment, the duties of which I might so commodiously have + discharged, there was a salary of eight hundred livres (thirty-three + pounds); I was for a few hours undecided, and this from a fear of making + Margency angry and displeasing M. de Malesherbes. But at length the + insupportable constraint of not having it in my power to work when I + thought proper, and to be commanded by time; and moreover the certainty of + badly performing the functions with which I was to charge myself, + prevailed over everything, and determined me to refuse a place for which I + was unfit. I knew that my whole talent consisted in a certain warmth of + mind with respect to the subjects of what I had to treat, and that nothing + but the love of that which was great, beautiful and sublime, could animate + my genius. What would the subjects of the extracts I should have had to + make from books, or even the books themselves, have signified to me? My + indifference about them would have frozen my pen, and stupefied my mind. + People thought I could make a trade of writing, as most of the other men + of letters did, instead of which I never could write but from the warmth + of imagination. This certainly was not necessary for the ‘Journal des + Savans’. I therefore wrote to Margency a letter of thanks, in the politest + terms possible, and so well explained to him my reasons, that it was not + possible that either he or M. de Malesherbes could imagine there was pride + or ill-humor in my refusal. They both approved of it without receiving me + less politely, and the secret was so well kept that it was never known to + the public. + </p> + <p> + The proposition did not come in a favorable moment. I had some time before + this formed the project of quitting literature, and especially the trade + of an author. I had been disgusted with men of letters by everything that + had lately befallen me, and had learned from experience that it was + impossible to proceed in the same track without having some connections + with them. I was not much less dissatisfied with men of the world, and in + general with the mixed life I had lately led, half to myself and half + devoted to societies for which I was unfit. I felt more than ever, and by + constant experience, that every unequal association is disadvantageous to + the weaker person. Living with opulent people, and in a situation + different from that I had chosen, without keeping a house as they did, I + was obliged to imitate them in many things; and little expenses, which + were nothing to their fortunes, were for me not less ruinous than + indispensable. Another man in the country-house of a friend, is served by + his own servant, as well at table as in his chamber; he sends him to seek + for everything he wants; having nothing directly to do with the servants + of the house, not even seeing them, he gives them what he pleases, and + when he thinks proper; but I, alone, and without a servant, was at the + mercy of the servants of the house, of whom it was necessary to gain the + good graces, that I might not have much to suffer; and being treated as + the equal of their master, I was obliged to treat them accordingly, and + better than another would have done, because, in fact, I stood in greater + need of their services. This, where there are but few domestics, may be + complied with; but in the houses I frequented there were a great number, + and the knaves so well understood their interests that they knew how to + make me want the services of them all successively. The women of Paris, + who have so much wit, have no just idea of this inconvenience, and in + their zeal to economize my purse they ruined me. If I supped in town, at + any considerable distance from my lodgings, instead of permitting me to + send for a hackney coach, the mistress of the house ordered her horses to + be put to and sent me home in her carriage. She was very glad to save me + the twenty-four sous (shilling) for the fiacre, but never thought of the + half-crown I gave to her coachman and footman. If a lady wrote to me from + Paris to the Hermitage or to Montmorency, she regretted the four sous (two + pence) the postage of the letter would have cost me, and sent it by one of + her servants, who came sweating on foot, and to whom I gave a dinner and + half a crown, which he certainly had well earned. If she proposed to me to + pass with her a week or a fortnight at her country-house, she still said + to herself, “It will be a saving to the poor man; during that time his + eating will cost him nothing.” She never recollected that I was the whole + time idle, that the expenses of my family, my rent, linen and clothes were + still going on, that I paid my barber double that it cost me more being in + her house than in my own, and although I confined my little largesses to + the house in which I customarily lived, that these were still ruinous to + me. I am certain I have paid upwards of twenty-five crowns in the house of + Madam d’Houdetot, at Raubonne, where I never slept more than four or five + times, and upwards of a thousand livres (forty pounds) as well at Epinay + as at the Chevrette, during the five or six years I was most assiduous + there. These expenses are inevitable to a man like me, who knows not how + to provide anything for himself, and cannot support the sight of a lackey + who grumbles and serves him with a sour look. With Madam Dupin, even where + I was one of the family, and in whose house I rendered many services to + the servants, I never received theirs but for my money. In course of time + it was necessary to renounce these little liberalities, which my situation + no longer permitted me to bestow, and I felt still more severely the + inconvenience of associating with people in a situation different from my + own. + </p> + <p> + Had this manner of life been to my taste, I should have been consoled for + a heavy expense, which I dedicated to my pleasures; but to ruin myself at + the same time that I fatigued my mind, was insupportable, and I had so + felt the weight of this, that, profiting by the interval of liberty I then + had, I was determined to perpetuate it, and entirely to renounce great + companies, the composition of books, and all literary concerns, and for + the remainder of my days to confine myself to the narrow and peaceful + sphere in which I felt I was born to move. + </p> + <p> + The produce of this letter to D’Alembert, and of the New Elosia, had a + little improved the state of my finances, which had been considerably + exhausted at the Hermitage. Emilius, to which, after I had finished + Eloisa, I had given great application, was in forwardness, and the produce + of this could not be less than the sum of which I was already in + possession. I intended to place this money in such a manner as to produce + me a little annual income, which, with my copying, might be sufficient to + my wants without writing any more. I had two other works upon the stocks. + The first of these was my ‘Institutions Politiques’. I examined the state + of this work, and found it required several years’ labor. I had not + courage enough to continue it, and to wait until it was finished before I + carried my intentions into execution. Therefore, laying the book aside, I + determined to take from it all I could, and to burn the rest; and + continuing this with zeal without interrupting Emilius, I finished the + ‘Contrat Social’. + </p> + <p> + The dictionary of music now remained. This was mechanical, and might be + taken up at any time; the object of it was entirely pecuniary. I reserved + to myself the liberty of laying it aside, or of finishing it at my ease, + according as my other resources collected should render this necessary or + superfluous. With respect to the ‘Morale Sensitive’, of which I had made + nothing more than a sketch, I entirely gave it up. + </p> + <p> + As my last project, if I found I could not entirely do without copying, + was that of removing from Paris, where the affluence of my visitors + rendered my housekeeping expensive, and deprived me of the time I should + have turned to advantage to provide for it; to prevent in my retirement + the state of lassitude into which an author is said to fall when he has + laid down his pen, I reserved to myself an occupation which might fill up + the void in my solitude without tempting me to print anything more. I know + not for what reason they had long tormented me to write the memoirs of my + life. Although these were not until that time interesting as to the facts, + I felt they might become so by the candor with which I was capable of + giving them, and I determined to make of these the only work of the kind, + by an unexampled veracity, that, for once at least, the world might see a + man such as he internally was. I had always laughed at the false + ingenuousness of Montaigne, who, feigning to confess his faults, takes + great care not to give himself any, except such as are amiable; whilst I, + who have ever thought, and still think myself, considering everything, the + best of men, felt there is no human being, however pure he may be, who + does not internally conceal some odious vice. I knew I was described to + the public very different from what I really was, and so opposite, that + notwithstanding my faults, all of which I was determined to relate, I + could not but be a gainer by showing myself in my proper colors. This, + besides, not being to be done without setting forth others also in theirs + and the work for the same reason not being of a nature to appear during my + lifetime, and that of several other persons, I was the more encouraged to + make my confession, at which I should never have to blush before any + person. I therefore resolved to dedicate my leisure to the execution of + this undertaking, and immediately began to collect such letters and papers + as might guide or assist my memory, greatly regretting the loss of all I + had burned, mislaid and destroyed. + </p> + <p> + The project of absolute retirement, one of the most reasonable I had ever + formed, was strongly impressed upon my mind, and for the execution of it I + was already taking measures, when Heaven, which prepared me a different + destiny, plunged me into a another vortex. + </p> + <p> + Montmorency, the ancient and fine patrimony of the illustrious family of + that name, was taken from it by confiscation. It passed by the sister of + Duke Henry, to the house of Conde, which has changed the name of + Montmorency to that of Enguien, and the duchy has no other castle than an + old tower, where the archives are kept, and to which the vassals come to + do homage. But at Montmorency, or Enguien, there is a private house, built + by Crosat, called ‘le pauvre’, which having the magnificence of the most + superb chateaux, deserves and bears the name of a castle. The majestic + appearance of this noble edifice, the view from it, not equalled perhaps + in any country; the spacious saloon, painted by the hand of a master; the + garden, planted by the celebrated Le Notre; all combined to form a whole + strikingly majestic, in which there is still a simplicity that enforces + admiration. The Marechal Duke de Luxembourg who then inhabited this house, + came every year into the neighborhood where formerly his ancestors were + the masters, to pass, at least, five or six weeks as a private inhabitant, + but with a splendor which did not degenerate from the ancient lustre of + his family. On the first journey he made to it after my residing at + Montmorency, he and his lady sent to me a valet de chambre, with their + compliments, inviting me to sup with them as often as it should be + agreeable to me; and at each time of their coming they never failed to + reiterate the same compliments and invitation. This called to my + recollection Madam Beuzenval sending me to dine in the servants’ hall. + Times were changed; but I was still the same man. I did not choose to be + sent to dine in the servants’ hall, and was but little desirous of + appearing at the table of the great; I should have been much better + pleased had they left me as I was, without caressing me and rendering me + ridiculous. I answered politely and respectfully to Monsieur and Madam de + Luxembourg, but I did not accept their offers, and my indisposition and + timidity, with my embarrassment in speaking; making me tremble at the idea + alone of appearing in an assembly of people of the court. I did not even + go to the castle to pay a visit of thanks, although I sufficiently + comprehended this was all they desired, and that their eager politeness + was rather a matter of curiosity than benevolence. + </p> + <p> + However, advances still were made, and even became more pressing. The + Countess de Boufflers, who was very intimate with the lady of the + marechal, sent to inquire after my health, and to beg I would go and see + her. I returned her a proper answer, but did not stir from my house. At + the journey of Easter, the year following, 1759, the Chevalier de Lorenzy, + who belonged to the court of the Prince of Conti, and was intimate with + Madam de Luxembourg, came several times to see me, and we became + acquainted; he pressed me to go to the castle, but I refused to comply. At + length, one afternoon, when I least expected anything of the kind, I saw + coming up to the house the Marechal de Luxembourg, followed by five or six + persons. There was now no longer any means of defence; and I could not, + without being arrogant and unmannerly, do otherwise than return this + visit, and make my court to Madam la Marechale, from whom the marechal had + been the bearer of the most obliging compliments to me. Thus, under + unfortunate auspices, began the connections from which I could no longer + preserve myself, although a too well-founded foresight made me afraid of + them until they were made. + </p> + <p> + I was excessively afraid of Madam de Luxembourg. I knew she was amiable as + to manner. I had seen her several times at the theatre, when she was + Duchess of Boufflers, and in the bloom of her beauty; but she was said to + be malignant; and this in a woman of her rank made me tremble. I had + scarcely seen her before I was subjugated. I thought her charming, with + that charm proof against time and which had the most powerful action upon + my heart. I expected to find her conversation satirical and full of + pleasantries and points. It was not so; it was much better. The + conversation of Madam de Luxembourg is not remarkably full of wit; it has + no sallies, nor even finesse; it is exquisitely delicate, never striking, + but always pleasing. Her flattery is the more intoxicating as it is + natural; it seems to escape her involuntarily, and her heart to overflow + because it is too full. I thought I perceived, on my first visit, that + notwithstanding my awkward manner and embarrassed expression, I was not + displeasing to her. All the women of the court know how to persuade us of + this when they please, whether it be true or not, but they do not all, + like Madam de Luxembourg, possess the art of rendering that persuasion so + agreeable that we are no longer disposed ever to have a doubt remaining. + From the first day my confidence in her would have been as full as it soon + afterwards became, had not the Duchess of Montmorency, her + daughter-in-law, young, giddy, and malicious also, taken it into her head + to attack me, and in the midst of the eulogiums of her mamma, and feigned + allurements on her own account, made me suspect I was only considered by + them as a subject of ridicule. + </p> + <p> + It would perhaps have been difficult to relieve me from this fear with + these two ladies had not the extreme goodness of the marechal confirmed me + in the belief that theirs was not real. Nothing is more surprising, + considering my timidity, than the promptitude with which I took him at his + word on the footing of equality to which he would absolutely reduce + himself with me, except it be that with which he took me at mine with + respect to the absolute independence in which I was determined to live. + Both persuaded I had reason to be content with my situation, and that I + was unwilling to change it, neither he nor Madam de Luxembourg seemed to + think a moment of my purse or fortune; although I can have no doubt of the + tender concern they had for me, they never proposed to me a place nor + offered me their interest, except it were once, when Madam de Luxembourg + seemed to wish me to become a member of the French Academy. I alleged my + religion; this she told me was no obstacle, or if it was one she engaged + to remove it. I answered, that however great the honor of becoming a + member of so illustrious a body might be, having refused M. de Tressan, + and, in some measure, the King of Poland, to become a member of the + Academy at Nancy, I could not with propriety enter into any other. Madam + de Luxembourg did not insist, and nothing more was said upon the subject. + This simplicity of intercourse with persons of such rank, and who had the + power of doing anything in my favor, M. de Luxembourg being, and highly + deserving to be, the particular friend of the king, affords a singular + contrast with the continual cares, equally importunate and officious, of + the friends and protectors from whom I had just separated, and who + endeavored less to serve me than to render me contemptible. + </p> + <p> + When the marechal came to see me at Mont Louis, I was uneasy at receiving + him and his retinue in my only chamber; not because I was obliged to make + them all sit down in the midst of my dirty plates and broken pots, but on + account of the state of the floor, which was rotten and falling to ruin, + and I was afraid the weight of his attendants would entirely sink it. Less + concerned on account of my own danger than for that to which the + affability of the marechal exposed him, I hastened to remove him from it + by conducting him, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, to my + alcove, which was quite open to the air, and had no chimney. When he was + there I told him my reason for having brought him to it; he told it to his + lady, and they both pressed me to accept, until the floor was repaired, a + lodging of the castle; or, if I preferred it, in a separate edifice called + the Little Castle which was in the middle of the park. This delightful + abode deserves to be spoken of. + </p> + <p> + The park or garden of Montmorency is not a plain, like that of the + Chevrette. It is uneven, mountainous, raised by little hills and valleys, + of which the able artist has taken advantage; and thereby varied his + groves, ornaments, waters, and points of view, and, if I may so speak, + multiplied by art and genius a space in itself rather narrow. This park is + terminated at the top by a terrace and the castle; at bottom it forms a + narrow passage which opens and becomes wider towards the valley, the angle + of which is filled up with a large piece of water. Between the orangery, + which is in this widening, and the piece of water, the banks of which are + agreeably decorated, stands the Little Castle of which I have spoken. This + edifice, and the ground about it, formerly belonged to the celebrated Le + Brun, who amused himself in building and decorating it in the exquisite + taste of architectual ornaments which that great painter had formed to + himself. The castle has since been rebuilt, but still, according to the + plan and design of its first master. It is little and simple, but elegant. + As it stands in a hollow between the orangery and the large piece of + water, and consequently is liable to be damp, it is open in the middle by + a peristyle between two rows of columns, by which means the air + circulating throughout the whole edifice keeps it dry, notwithstanding its + unfavorable situation. When the building is seen from the opposite + elevation, which is a point of view, it appears absolutely surrounded with + water, and we imagine we have before our eyes an enchanted island, or the + most beautiful of the three Boromeans, called Isola Bella, in the greater + lake. + </p> + <p> + In this solitary edifice I was offered the choice of four complete + apartments it contains, besides the ground floor, consisting of a dancing + room, billiard room and a kitchen. I chose the smallest over the kitchen, + which also I had with it. It was charmingly neat, with blue and white + furniture. In this profound and delicious solitude, in the midst of the + woods, the singing of birds of every kind, and the perfume of orange + flowers, I composed, in a continual ecstasy, the fifth book of Emilius, + the coloring of which I owe in a great measure to the lively impression I + received from the place I inhabited. + </p> + <p> + With what eagerness did I run every morning at sunrise to respire the + perfumed air in the peristyle! What excellent coffee I took there + tete-a-tete with my Theresa. My cat and dog were our company. This retinue + alone would have been sufficient for me during my whole life, in which I + should not have had one weary moment. I was there in a terrestrial + paradise; I lived in innocence and tasted of happiness. + </p> + <p> + At the journey of July, M. and Madam de Luxembourg showed me so much + attention, and were so extremely kind, that, lodged in their house, and + overwhelmed with their goodness, I could not do less than make them a + proper return in assiduous respect near their persons; I scarcely quitted + them; I went in the morning to pay my court to Madam la Marechale; after + dinner I walked with the marechal; but did not sup at the castle on + account of the numerous guests, and because they supped too late for me. + Thus far everything was as it should be, and no harm would have been done + could I have remained at this point. But I have never known how to + preserve a medium in my attachments, and simply fulfil the duties of + society. I have ever been everything or nothing. I was soon everything; + and receiving the most polite attention from persons of the highest rank, + I passed the proper bounds, and conceived for them a friendship not + permitted except among equals. Of these I had all the familiarity in my + manners, whilst they still preserved in theirs the same politeness to + which they had accustomed me. Yet I was never quite at my ease with Madam + de Luxembourg. Although I was not quite relieved from my fears relative to + her character, I apprehended less danger from it than from her wit. It was + by this especially that she impressed me with awe. I knew she was + difficult as to conversation, and she had a right to be so. I knew women, + especially those of her rank, would absolutely be amused, that it was + better to offend than to weary them, and I judged by her commentaries upon + what the people who went away had said what she must think of my blunders. + I thought of an expedient to spare me with her the embarrassment of + speaking; this was reading. She had heard of my Eloisa, and knew it was in + the press; she expressed a desire to see the work; I offered to read it to + her, and she accepted my offer. I went to her every morning at ten + o’clock; M. de Luxembourg was present, and the door was shut. I read by + the side of her bed, and so well proportioned my readings that there would + have been sufficient for the whole time she had to stay, had they even not + been interrupted. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [The loss of a great battle, which much afflicted the King, + obliged M. de Luxembourg precipitately to return to court.] +</pre> + <p> + The success of this expedient surpassed my expectation. Madam de + Luxembourg took a great liking to Julia and the author; she spoke of + nothing but me, thought of nothing else, said civil things to me from + morning till night, and embraced me ten times a day. She insisted on me + always having my place by her side at table, and when any great lords + wished it she told them it was mine, and made them sit down somewhere + else. The impression these charming manners made upon me, who was + subjugated by the least mark of affection, may easily be judged of. I + became really attached to her in proportion to the attachment she showed + me. All my fear in perceiving this infatuation, and feeling the want of + agreeableness in myself to support it, was that it would be changed into + disgust; and unfortunately this fear was but too well founded. + </p> + <p> + There must have been a natural opposition between her turn of mind and + mine, since, independently of the numerous stupid things which at every + instant escaped me in conversation, and even in my letters, and when I was + upon the best terms with her, there were certain other things with which + she was displeased without my being able to imagine the reason. I will + quote one instance from among twenty. She knew I was writing for Madam + d’Houdetot a copy of the New Eloisa. She was desirous to have one on the + same footing. This I promised her, and thereby making her one of my + customers, I wrote her a polite letter upon the subject, at least such was + my intention. Her answer, which was as follows, stupefied me with + surprise. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VERSAILLES, Tuesday. +</pre> + <p> + “I am ravished, I am satisfied: your letter has given me infinite + pleasure, and I take the earliest moment to acquaint you with, and thank + you for it. + </p> + <p> + “These are the exact words of your letter: ‘Although you are certainly a + very good customer, I have some pain in receiving your money: according to + regular order I ought to pay for the pleasure I should have in working for + you.’ I will say nothing more on the subject. I have to complain of your + not speaking of your state of health: nothing interests me more. I love + you with all my heart: and be assured that I write this to you in a very + melancholy mood, for I should have much pleasure in telling it to you + myself. M. de Luxembourg loves and embraces you with all his heart. + </p> + <p> + “On receiving the letter I hastened to answer it, reserving to myself more + fully to examine the matter, protesting against all disobliging + interpretation, and after having given several days to this examination + with an inquietude which may easily be conceived, and still without being + able to discover in what I could have erred, what follows was my final + answer on the subject. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “MONTMORENCY, 8th December, 1759. +</pre> + <p> + “Since my last letter I have examined a hundred times the passage in + question. I have considered it in its proper and natural meaning, as well + as in every other which may be given to it, and I confess to you, madam, + that I know not whether it be I who owe to you excuses, or you from whom + they are due to me.” + </p> + <p> + It is now ten years since these letters were written. I have since that + time frequently thought of the subject of them; and such is still my + stupidity that I have hitherto been unable to discover what in the + passages, quoted from my letter, she could find offensive, or even + displeasing. + </p> + <p> + I must here mention, relative to the manuscript copy of Eloisa Madam de + Luxembourg wished to have, in what manner I thought to give it some marked + advantage which should distinguish it from all others. I had written + separately the adventures of Lord Edward, and had long been undetermined + whether I should insert them wholly, or in extracts, in the work in which + they seemed to be wanting. I at length determined to retrench them + entirely, because, not being in the manner of the rest, they would have + spoiled the interesting simplicity, which was its principal merit. I had + still a stronger reason when I came to know Madam de Luxembourg: There was + in these adventures a Roman marchioness, of a bad character, some parts of + which, without being applicable, might have been applied to her by those + to whom she was not particularly known. I was therefore, highly pleased + with the determination to which I had come, and resolved to abide by it. + But in the ardent desire to enrich her copy with something which was not + in the other, what should I fall upon but these unfortunate adventures, + and I concluded on making an extract from them to add to the work; a + project dictated by madness, of which the extravagance is inexplicable, + except by the blind fatality which led me on to destruction. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ‘Quos vult perdere Jupiter dementet.’ +</pre> + <p> + I was stupid enough to make this extract with the greatest care and pains, + and to send it her as the finest thing in the world; it is true, I at the + same time informed her the original was burned, which was really the case, + that the extract was for her alone, and would never be seen, except by + herself, unless she chose to show it; which, far from proving to her my + prudence and discretion, as it was my intention to do, clearly intimated + what I thought of the application by which she might be offended. My + stupidity was such, that I had no doubt of her being delighted with what I + had done. She did not make me the compliment upon it which I expected, + and, to my great surprise, never once mentioned the paper I had sent her. + I was so satisfied with myself, that it was not until a long time + afterwards, I judged, from other indications, of the effect it had + produced. + </p> + <p> + I had still, in favor of her manuscript, another idea more reasonable, but + which, by more distant effects, has not been much less prejudicial to me; + so much does everything concur with the work of destiny, when that hurries + on a man to misfortune. I thought of ornamenting the manuscript with the + engravings of the New Eloisa, which were of the same size. I asked Coindet + for these engravings, which belonged to me by every kind of title, and the + more so as I had given him the produce of the plates, which had a + considerable sale. Coindet is as cunning as I am the contrary. By + frequently asking him for the engravings he came to the knowledge of the + use I intended to make of them. He then, under pretence of adding some new + ornament, still kept them from me; and at length presented them himself. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ‘Ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.’ +</pre> + <p> + This gave him an introduction upon a certain footing to the Hotel de + Luxembourg. After my establishment at the little castle he came rather + frequently to see me, and always in the morning, especially when M. and + Madam de Luxembourg were at Montmorency. Therefore that I might pass the + day with him, I did not go the castle. Reproaches were made me on account + of my absence; I told the reason of them. I was desired to bring with me + M. Coindet; I did so. This was, what he had sought after. Therefore, + thanks to the excessive goodness M. and Madam de Luxembourg had for me, a + clerk to M. Thelusson, who was sometimes pleased to give him his table + when he had nobody else to dine with him, was suddenly placed at that of a + marechal of France, with princes, duchesses, and persons of the highest + rank at court. I shall never forget, that one day being obliged to return + early to Paris, the marechal said, after dinner, to the company, “Let us + take a walk upon the road to St. Denis, and we will accompany M. Coindet.” + This was too much for the poor man; his head was quite turned. For my + part, my heart was so affected that I could not say a word. I followed the + company, weeping like a child, and having the strongest desire to kiss the + foot of the good marechal; but the continuation of the history of the + manuscript has made me anticipate. I will go a little back, and, as far as + my memory will permit, mark each event in its proper order. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the little house of Mont Louis was ready, I had it neatly + furnished and again established myself there. I could not break through + the resolution I had made on quitting the Hermitage of always having my + apartment to myself; but I found a difficulty in resolving to quit the + little castle. I kept the key of it, and being delighted with the charming + breakfasts of the peristyle, frequently went to the castle to sleep, and + stayed three or four days as at a country-house. I was at that time + perhaps better and more agreeably lodged than any private individual in + Europe. My host, M. Mathas, one of the best men in the world, had left me + the absolute direction of the repairs at Mont Louis, and insisted upon my + disposing of his workmen without his interference. I therefore found the + means of making of a single chamber upon the first story, a complete set + of apartments consisting of a chamber, antechamber, and a water closet. + Upon the ground-floor was the kitchen and the chamber of Theresa. The + alcove served me for a closet by means of a glazed partition and a chimney + I had made there. After my return to this habitation, I amused myself in + decorating the terrace, which was already shaded by two rows of linden + trees; I added two others to make a cabinet of verdure, and placed in it a + table and stone benches: I surrounded it with lilies, syringa and + woodbines, and had a beautiful border of flowers parallel with the two + rows of trees. This terrace, more elevated than that of the castle, from + which the view was at least as fine, and where I had tamed a great number + of birds, was my drawing-room, in which I received M. and Madam de + Luxembourg, the Duke of Villeroy, the Prince of Tingry, the Marquis of + Armentieres, the Duchess of Montmorency, the Duchess of Bouffiers, the + Countess of Valentinois, the Countess of Boufflers, and other persons of + the first rank; who, from the castle disdained not to make, over a very + fatiguing mountain, the pilgrimage of Mont Louis. I owed all these visits + to the favor of M. and Madam de Luxembourg; this I felt, and my heart on + that account did them all due homage. It was with the same sentiment that + I once said to M. de Luxembourg, embracing him: “Ah! Monsieur le Marechal, + I hated the great before I knew you, and I have hated them still more + since you have shown me with what ease they might acquire universal + respect.” Further than this I defy any person with whom I was then + acquainted, to say I was ever dazzled for an instant with splendor, or + that the vapor of the incense I received ever affected my head; that I was + less uniform in my manner, less plain in my dress, less easy of access to + people of the lowest rank, less familiar with neighbors, or less ready to + render service to every person when I had it in my power so to do, without + ever once being discouraged by the numerous and frequently unreasonable + importunities with which I was incessantly assailed. + </p> + <p> + Although my heart led me to the castle of Montmorency, by my sincere + attachment to those by whom it was inhabited, it by the same means drew me + back to the neighborhood of it, there to taste the sweets of the equal and + simple life, in which my only happiness consisted. Theresa had contracted + a friendship with the daughter of one of my neighbors, a mason of the name + of Pilleu; I did the same with the father, and after having dined at the + castle, not without some constraint, to please Madam de Luxembourg, with + what eagerness did I return in the evening to sup with the good man Pilleu + and his family, sometimes at his own house and at others at mine. + </p> + <p> + Besides my two lodgings in the country, I soon had a third at the Hotel de + Luxembourg, the proprietors of which pressed me so much to go and see them + there, that I consented, notwithstanding my aversion to Paris, where, + since my retiring to the Hermitage, I had been but twice, upon the two + occasions of which I have spoken. I did not now go there except on the + days agreed upon, solely to supper, and the next morning I returned to the + country. I entered and came out by the garden which faces the boulevard, + so that I could with the greatest truth, say I had not set my foot upon + the stones of Paris. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of this transient prosperity, a catastrophe, which was to be + the conclusion of it, was preparing at a distance. A short time after my + return to Mont Louis, I made there, and as it was customary, against my + inclination, a new acquaintance, which makes another era in my private + history. Whether this be favorable or unfavorable, the reader will + hereafter be able to judge. The person with whom I became acquainted was + the Marchioness of Verdelin, my neighbor, whose husband had just bought a + country-house at Soisy, near Montmorency. Mademoiselle d’Ars, daughter to + the Comte d’Ars, a man of fashion, but poor, had married M. de Verdelin, + old, ugly, deaf, uncouth, brutal, jealous, with gashes in his face, and + blind of one eye, but, upon the whole, a good man when properly managed, + and in possession of a fortune of from fifteen to twenty thousand a year. + This charming object, swearing, roaring, scolding, storming, and making + his wife cry all day long, ended by doing whatever she thought proper, and + this to set her in a rage, because she knew how to persuade him that it + was he who would, and she would not have it so. M. de Margency, of whom I + have spoken, was the friend of madam, and became that of monsieur. He had + a few years before let them his castle of Margency, near Eaubonne and + Andilly, and they resided there precisely at the time of my passion for + Madam d’Houdetot. Madam d’Houdetot and Madam de Verdelin became acquainted + with each other, by means of Madam d’Aubeterre their common friend; and as + the garden of Margency was in the road by which Madam d’Houdetot went to + Mont Olympe, her favorite walk, Madam de Verdelin gave her a key that she + might pass through it. By means of this key I crossed it several times + with her; but I did not like unexpected meetings, and when Madam de + Verdelin was by chance upon our way I left them together without speaking + to her, and went on before. This want of gallantry must have made on her + an impression unfavorable to me. Yet when she was at Soisy she was anxious + to have my company. She came several times to see me at Mont Louis, + without finding me at home, and perceiving I did not return her visit, + took it into her head, as a means of forcing me to do it, to send me pots + of flowers for my terrace. I was under the necessity of going to thank + her; this was all she wanted, and we thus became acquainted. + </p> + <p> + This connection, like every other I formed; or was led into contrary to my + inclination, began rather boisterously. There never reigned in it a real + calm. The turn of mind of Madam de Verdelinwas too opposite to mine. + Malignant expressions and pointed sarcasms came from her with so much + simplicity, that a continual attention too fatiguing for me was necessary + to perceive she was turning into ridicule the person to whom she spoke. + One trivial circumstance which occurs to my recollection will be + sufficient to give an idea of her manner. Her brother had just obtained + the command of a frigate cruising against the English. I spoke of the + manner of fitting out this frigate without diminishing its swiftness of + sailing. “Yes,” replied she, in the most natural tone of voice, “no more + cannon are taken than are necessary for fighting.” I seldom have heard her + speak well of any of her absent friends without letting slip something to + their prejudice. What she did not see with an evil eye she looked upon + with one of ridicule, and her friend Margency was not excepted. What I + found most insupportable in her was the perpetual constraint proceeding + from her little messages, presents and billets, to which it was a labor + for me to answer, and I had continual embarrassments either in thanking or + refusing. However, by frequently seeing this lady I became attached to + her. She had her troubles as well as I had mine. Reciprocal confidence + rendered our conversations interesting. Nothing so cordially attaches two + persons as the satisfaction of weeping together. We sought the company of + each other for our reciprocal consolation, and the want of this has + frequently made me pass over many things. I had been so severe in my + frankness with her, that after having sometimes shown so little esteem for + her character, a great deal was necessary to be able to believe she could + sincerely forgive me. + </p> + <p> + The following letter is a specimen of the epistles I sometimes wrote to + her, and it is to be remarked that she never once in any of her answers to + them seemed to be in the least degree piqued. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MONTMORENCY, 5th November, 1760. +</pre> + <p> + “You tell me, madam, you have not well explained yourself, in order to + make me understand I have explained myself ill. You speak of your + pretended stupidity for the purpose of making me feel my own. You boast of + being nothing more than a good kind of woman, as if you were afraid to + being taken at your word, and you make me apologies to tell me I owe them + to you. Yes, madam, I know it; it is I who am a fool, a good kind of man; + and, if it be possible, worse than all this; it is I who make a bad choice + of my expressions in the opinion of a fine French lady, who pays as much + attention to words, and speaks as well as you do. But consider that I take + them in the common meaning of the language without knowing or troubling my + head about the polite acceptations in which they are taken in the virtuous + societies of Paris. If my expressions are sometimes equivocal, I + endeavored by my conduct to determine their meaning,” etc. The rest of the + letter is much the same. + </p> + <p> + Coindet, enterprising, bold, even to effrontery, and who was upon the + watch after all my friends, soon introduced himself in my name to the + house of Madam de Verdelin, and, unknown to me, shortly became there more + familiar than myself. This Coindet was an extraordinary man. He presented + himself in my name in the houses of all my acquaintance, gained a footing + in them, and ate there without ceremony. Transported with zeal to do me + service, he never mentioned my name without his eyes being suffused with + tears; but, when he came to see me, he kept the most profound silence on + the subject of all these connections, and especially on that in which he + knew I must be interested. Instead of telling me what he had heard, said, + or seen, relative to my affairs, he waited for my speaking to him, and + even interrogated me. He never knew anything of what passed in Paris, + except that which I told him: finally, although everybody spoke to me of + him, he never once spoke to me of any person; he was secret and mysterious + with his friend only; but I will for the present leave Coindet and Madam + de Verdelin, and return to them at a proper time. + </p> + <p> + Sometime after my return to Mont Louis, La Tour, the painter, came to see + me, and brought with him my portrait in crayons, which a few years before + he had exhibited at the salon. He wished to give me this portrait, which I + did not choose to accept. But Madam d’Epinay, who had given me hers, and + would have had this, prevailed upon me to ask him for it. He had taken + some time to retouch the features. In the interval happened my rupture + with Madam d’Epinay; I returned her her portrait; and giving her mine + being no longer in question, I put it into my chamber, in the castle. M. + de Luxembourg saw it there, and found it a good one; I offered it him, he + accepted it, and I sent it to the castle. He and his lady comprehended I + should be very glad to have theirs. They had them taken in miniature by a + very skilful hand, set in a box of rock crystal, mounted with gold, and in + a very handsome manner, with which I was delighted, made me a present of + both. Madam de Luxenbourg would never consent that her portrait should be + on the upper part of the box. She had reproached me several times with + loving M. de Luxembourg better than I did her; I had not denied it because + it was true. By this manner of placing her portrait she showed very + politely, but very clearly, she had not forgotten the preference. + </p> + <p> + Much about this time I was guilty of a folly which did not contribute to + preserve me to her good graces. Although I had no knowledge of M. de + Silhoutte, and was not much disposed to like him, I had a great opinion of + his administration. When he began to let his hand fall rather heavily upon + financiers, I perceived he did not begin his operation in a favorable + moment, but he had my warmest wishes for his success; and as soon as I + heard he was displaced I wrote to him, in my intrepid, heedless manner, + the following letter, which I certainly do not undertake to justify. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MONTMORENCY, 2d December, 1759. +</pre> + <p> + “Vouchsafe, sir, to receive the homage of a solitary man, who is not known + to you, but who esteems you for your talents, respects you for your + administration, and who did you the honor to believe you would not long + remain in it. Unable to save the State, except at the expense of the + capital by which it has been ruined, you have braved the clamors of the + gainers of money. When I saw you crush these wretches, I envied you your + place; and at seeing you quit it without departing from your system, I + admire you. Be satisfied with yourself, sir; the step you have taken will + leave you an honor you will long enjoy without a competitor. The + malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man.” + </p> + <p> + Madam de Luxembourg, who knew I had written this letter, spoke to me of it + when she came into the country at Easter. I showed it to her and she was + desirous of a copy; this I gave her, but when I did it I did not know she + was interested in under-farms, and the displacing of M. de Silhoutte. By + my numerous follies any person would have imagined I wilfully endeavored + to bring on myself the hatred of an amiable woman who had power, and to + whom, in truth, I daily became more attached, and was far from wishing to + occasion her displeasure, although by my awkward manner of proceeding, I + did everything proper for that purpose. I think it superfluous to remark + here, that it is to her the history of the opiate of M. Tronchin, of which + I have spoken in the first part of my memoirs, relates; the other lady was + Madam de Mirepoix. They have never mentioned to me the circumstance, nor + has either of them, in the least, seemed to have preserved a remembrance + of it; but to presume that Madam de Luxembourg can possibly have forgotten + it appears to me very difficult, and would still remain so, even were the + subsequent events entirely unknown. For my part, I fell into a deceitful + security relative to the effects of my stupid mistakes, by an internal + evidence of my not having taken any step with an intention to offend; as + if a woman could ever forgive what I had done, although she might be + certain the will had not the least part in the matter. + </p> + <p> + Although she seemed not to see or feel anything, and that I did not + immediately find either her warmth of friendship diminished or the least + change in her manner, the continuation and even increase of a too well + founded foreboding made me incessantly tremble, lest disgust should + succeed to infatuation. Was it possible for me to expect in a lady of such + high rank, a constancy proof against my want of address to support it? I + was unable to conceal from her this secret foreboding, which made me + uneasy, and rendered me still more disagreeable. This will be judged of by + the following letter, which contains a very singular prediction. + </p> + <p> + N. B. This letter, without date in my rough copy, was written in October, + 1760, at latest. + </p> + <p> + “How cruel is your goodness? Why disturb the peace of a solitary mortal + who had renounced the pleasures of life, that he might no longer suffer + the fatigues of them. I have passed my days in vainly searching for solid + attachments. I have not been able to form any in the ranks to which I was + equal; is it in yours that I ought to seek for them? Neither ambition nor + interest can tempt me: I am not vain, but little fearful; I can resist + everything except caresses. Why do you both attack me by a weakness which + I must overcome, because in the distance by which we are separated, the + over-flowings of susceptible hearts cannot bring mine near to you? Will + gratitude be sufficient for a heart which knows not two manners of + bestowing its affections, and feels itself incapable of everything except + friendship? Of friendship, madam la marechale! Ah! there is my misfortune! + It is good in you and the marechal to make use of this expression; but I + am mad when I take you at your word. You amuse yourselves, and I become + attached; and the end of this prepares for me new regrets. How I do hate + all your titles, and pity you on account of your being obliged to bear + them? You seem to me to be so worthy of tasting the charms of private + life! Why do not you reside at Clarens? I would go there in search of + happiness; but the castle of Montmorency, and the Hotel de Luxembourg! Is + it in these places Jean Jacques ought to be seen? Is it there a friend to + equality ought to carry the affections of a sensible heart, and who thus + paying the esteem in which he is held, thinks he returns as much as he + receives? You are good and susceptible also: this I know and have seen; I + am sorry I was not sooner convinced of it; but in the rank you hold, in + the manner of living, nothing can make a lasting impression; a succession + of new objects efface each other so that not one of them remains. You will + forget me, madam, after having made it impossible for me to imitate you. + You have done a great deal to make me unhappy, to be inexcusable.” + </p> + <p> + I joined with her the marechal, to render the compliment less severe; for + I was moreover so sure of him, that I never had a doubt in my mind of the + continuation of his friendship. Nothing that intimidated me in madam la + marechale, ever for a moment extended to him. I never have had the least + mistrust relative to his character, which I knew to be feeble, but + constant. I no more feared a coldness on his part than I expected from him + an heroic attachment. The simplicity and familiarity of our manners with + each other proved how far dependence was reciprocal. We were both always + right: I shall ever honor and hold dear the memory of this worthy man, + and, notwithstanding everything that was done to detach him from me, I am + as certain of his having died my friend as if I had been present in his + last moments. + </p> + <p> + At the second journey to Montmorency, in the year 1760, the reading of + Eloisa being finished, I had recourse to that of Emilius, to support + myself in the good graces of Madam de Luxembourg; but this, whether the + subject was less to her taste; or that so much reading at length fatigued + her, did not succeed so well. However, as she reproached me with suffering + myself to be the dupe of booksellers, she wished me to leave to her care + the printing the work, that I might reap from it a greater advantage. I + consented to her doing it, on the express condition of its not being + printed in France, on which we had along dispute; I affirming that it was + impossible to obtain, and even imprudent to solicit, a tacit permission; + and being unwilling to permit the impression upon any other terms in the + kingdom; she, that the censor could not make the least difficulty, + according to the system government had adopted. She found means to make M. + de Malesherbes enter into her views. He wrote to me on the subject a long + letter with his own hand, to prove the profession of faith of the Savoyard + vicar to be a composition which must everywhere gain the approbation of + its readers and that of the court, as things were then circumstanced. I + was surprised to see this magistrate, always so prudent, become so smooth + in the business, as the printing of a book was by that alone legal, I had + no longer any objection to make to that of the work. Yet, by an + extraordinary scruple, I still required it should be printed in Holland, + and by the bookseller Neaulme, whom, not satisfied with indicating him, I + informed of my wishes, consenting the edition should be brought out for + the profit of a French bookseller, and that as soon as it was ready it + should be sold at Paris, or wherever else it might be thought proper, as + with this I had no manner of concern. This is exactly what was agreed upon + between Madam de Luxembourg and myself, after which I gave her my + manuscript. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Luxembourg was this time accompanied by her granddaughter + Mademoiselle de Boufflers, now Duchess of Lauzun. Her name was Amelia. She + was a charming girl. She really had a maiden beauty, mildness and + timidity. Nothing could be more lovely than her person, nothing more + chaste and tender than the sentiments she inspired. She was, besides, + still a child under eleven years of age. Madam de Luxembourg, who thought + her too timid, used every endeavor to animate her. She permitted me + several times to give her a kiss, which I did with my usual awkwardness. + Instead of saying flattering things to her, as any other person would have + done, I remained silent and disconcerted, and I know not which of the two, + the little girl or myself, was most ashamed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0202.jpg" alt="0202 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0202.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + I met her one day alone in the staircase of the little castle. She had + been to see Theresa, with whom her governess still was. Not knowing what + else to say, I proposed to her a kiss, which, in the innocence of her + heart, she did not refuse; having in the morning received one from me by + order of her grandmother, and in her presence. The next day, while reading + Emilius by the side of the bed of Madam de Luxembourg, I came to a passage + in which I justly censure that which I had done the preceding evening. She + thought the reflection extremely just, and said some very sensible things + upon the subject which made me blush. How was I enraged at my incredible + stupidity, which has frequently given me the appearance of guilt when I + was nothing more than a fool and embarrassed! A stupidity, which in a man + known to be endowed with some wit, is considered as a false excuse. I can + safely swear that in this kiss, as well as in the others, the heart and + thoughts of Mademoiselle Amelia were not more pure than my own, and that + if I could have avoided meeting her I should have done it; not that I had + not great pleasure in seeing her, but from the embarrassment of not + finding a word proper to say. Whence comes it that even a child can + intimidate a man, whom the power of kings has never inspired with fear? + What is to be done? How, without presence of mind, am I to act? If I + strive to speak to the persons I meet, I certainly say some stupid thing + to them; if I remain silent, I am a misanthrope, an unsociable animal, a + bear. Total imbecility would have been more favorable to me; but the + talents which I have failed to improve in the world have become the + instruments of my destruction, and of that of the talents I possessed. + </p> + <p> + At the latter end of this journey, Madam de Luxembourg did a good action + in which I had some share. Diderot having very imprudently offended the + Princess of Robeck, daughter of M. de Luxembourg, Palissot, whom she + protected, took up the quarrel, and revenged her by the comedy of ‘The + Philosophers’, in which I was ridiculed, and Diderot very roughly handled. + The author treated me with more gentleness, less, I am of opinion, on + account of the obligation he was under to me, than from the fear of + displeasing the father of his protectress, by whom he knew I was beloved. + The bookseller Duchesne, with whom I was not at that time acquainted, sent + me the comedy when it was printed, and this I suspect was by the order of + Palissot, who, perhaps, thought I should have a pleasure in seeing a man + with whom I was no longer connected defamed. He was greatly deceived. When + I broke with Diderot, whom I thought less ill-natured than weak and + indiscreet, I still always preserved for his person an attachment, an + esteem even, and a respect for our ancient friendship, which I know was + for a long time as sincere on his part as on mine. The case was quite + different with Grimm; a man false by nature, who never loved me, who is + not even capable of friendship, and a person who, without the least + subject of complaint, and solely to satisfy his gloomy jealousy, became, + under the mask of friendship, my most cruel calumniator. This man is to me + a cipher; the other will always be my old friend. + </p> + <p> + My very bowels yearned at the sight of this odious piece: the reading of + it was insupportable to me, and, without going through the whole, I + returned the copy to Duchesne with the following letter: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MONTMORENCY, 21st, May, 1760. +</pre> + <p> + “In casting my eyes over the piece you sent me, I trembled at seeing + myself well spoken of in it. I do not accept the horrid present. I am + persuaded that in sending it me, you did not intend an insult; but you do + not know, or have forgotten, that I have the honor to be the friend of a + respectable man, who is shamefully defamed and calumniated in this libel.” + </p> + <p> + Duchense showed the letter. Diderot, upon whom it ought to have had an + effect quite contrary, was vexed at it. His pride could not forgive me the + superiority of a generous action, and I was informed his wife everywhere + inveighed against me with a bitterness with which I was not in the least + affected, as I knew she was known to everybody to be a noisy babbler. + </p> + <p> + Diderot in his turn found an avenger in the Abbe Morrellet, who wrote + against Palissot a little work, imitated from the ‘Petit Prophete’, and + entitled the Vision. In this production he very imprudently offended Madam + de Robeck, whose friends got him sent to the Bastile; though she, not + naturally vindictive, and at that time in a dying state, I am certain had + nothing to do with the affair. + </p> + <p> + D’Alembert, who was very intimately connected with Morrellet, wrote me a + letter, desiring I would beg of Madam de Luxembourg to solicit his + liberty, promising her in return encomiums in the ‘Encyclopedie’; my + answer to this letter was as follows: + </p> + <p> + “I did not wait the receipt of your letter before I expressed to Madam de + Luxembourg the pain the confinement of the Abbe Morrellet gave me. She + knows my concern, and shall be made acquainted with yours, and her knowing + that the abbe is a man of merit will be sufficient to make her interest + herself in his behalf. However, although she and the marechal honor me + with a benevolence which is my greatest consolation, and that the name of + your friend be to them a recommendation in favor of the Abbe Morrellet, I + know not how far, on this occasion, it may be proper for them to employ + the credit attached to the rank they hold, and the consideration due to + their persons. I am not even convinced that the vengeance in question + relates to the Princess Robeck so much as you seem to imagine; and were + this even the case, we must not suppose that the pleasure of vengeance + belongs to philosophers exclusively, and that when they choose to become + women, women will become philosophers. + </p> + <p> + “I will communicate to you whatever Madam de Luxembourg may say to me + after having shown her your letter. In the meantime, I think I know her + well enough to assure you that, should she have the pleasure of + contributing to the enlargement of the Abbe Morrellet, she will not accept + the tribute of acknowledgment you promise her in the Encyclopedie, + although she might think herself honored by it, because she does not do + good in the expectation of praise, but from the dictates of her heart.” + </p> + <p> + I made every effort to excite the zeal and commiseration of Madam de + Luxembourg in favor of the poor captive, and succeeded to my wishes. She + went to Versailles on purpose to speak to M. de St. Florentin, and this + journey shortened the residence at Montmorency, which the marechal was + obliged to quit at the same time to go to Rouen, whither the king sent him + as governor of Normandy, on account of the motions of the parliament, + which government wished to keep within bounds. Madam de Luxembourg wrote + me the following letter the day after her departure: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VERSAILLES, Wednesday. +</pre> + <p> + “M. de Luxembourg set off yesterday morning at six o’clock. I do not yet + know that I shall follow him. I wait until he writes to me, as he is not + yet certain of the stay it will be necessary for him to make. I have seen + M. de St. Florentin, who is as favorably disposed as possible towards the + Abbe Morrellet; but he finds some obstacles to his wishes which however, + he is in hopes of removing the first time he has to do business with the + king, which will be next week. I have also desired as a favor that he + might not be exiled, because this was intended; he was to be sent to + Nancy. This, sir, is what I have been able to obtain; but I promise you I + will not let M. de St. Florentin rest until the affair is terminated in + the manner you desire. Let me now express to you how sorry I am on account + of my being obliged to leave you so soon, of which I flatter myself you + have not the least doubt. I love you with all my heart, and shall do so + for my whole life.” + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards I received the following note from D’Alembert, which + gave me real joy. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + August 1st. +</pre> + <p> + “Thanks to your cares, my dear philosopher, the abbe has left the Bastile, + and his imprisonment will have no other consequence. He is setting off for + the country, and, as well as myself, returns you a thousand thanks and + compliments. ‘Vale et me ama’.” + </p> + <p> + The abbe also wrote to me a few days afterwards a letter of thanks, which + did not, in my opinion, seem to breathe a certain effusion of the heart, + and in which he seemed in some measure to extenuate the service I had + rendered him. Some time afterwards, I found that he and D’Alembert had, to + a certain degree, I will not say supplanted, but succeeded me in the good + graces of Madam de Luxembourg, and that I had lost in them all they had + gained. However, I am far from suspecting the Abbe Morrellet of having + contributed to my disgrace; I have too much esteem for him to harbor any + such suspicion. With respect to D’Alembert, I shall at present leave him + out of the question, and hereafter say of him what may seem necessary. + </p> + <p> + I had, at the same time, another affair which occasioned the last letter I + wrote to Voltaire; a letter against which he vehemently exclaimed, as an + abominable insult, although he never showed it to any person. I will here + supply the want of that which he refused to do. + </p> + <p> + The Abbe Trublet, with whom I had a slight acquaintance, but whom I had + but seldom seen, wrote to me on the 13th of June, 1760, informing me that + M. Formey, his friend and correspondent, had printed in his journal my + letter to Voltaire upon the disaster at Lisbon. The abbe wished to know + how the letter came to be printed, and in his jesuitical manner, asked me + my opinion, without giving me his own on the necessity of reprinting it. + As I most sovereignly hate this kind of artifice and strategem, I returned + such thanks as were proper, but in a manner so reserved as to make him + feel it, although this did not prevent him from wheedling me in two or + three other letters until he had gathered all he wished to know. + </p> + <p> + I clearly understood that, not withstanding all Trublet could say, Formey + had not found the letter printed, and that the first impression of it came + from himself. I knew him to be an impudent pilferer, who, without + ceremony, made himself a revenue by the works of others. Although he had + not yet had the incredible effrontery to take from a book already + published the name of the author, to put his own in the place of it, and + to sell the book for his own profit. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [In this manner he afterwards appropriated to himself Emilius.] +</pre> + <p> + But by what means had this manuscript fallen into his hands? That was a + question not easy to resolve, but by which I had the weakness to be + embarrassed. Although Voltaire was excessively honored by the letter, as + in fact, notwithstanding his rude proceedings, he would have had a right + to complain had I had it printed without his consent, I resolved to write + to him upon the subject. The second letter was as follows, to which he + returned no answer, and giving greater scope to his brutality, he feigned + to be irritated to fury. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MONTMORENCY, 17th June, 1760. +</pre> + <p> + “I did not think, sir, I should ever have occasion to correspond with you. + But learning the letter I wrote to you in 1756 had been printed at Berlin, + I owe you an account of my conduct in that respect, and will fulfil this + duty with truth and simplicity. + </p> + <p> + “The letter having really been addressed to you was not intended to be + printed. I communicated the contents of it, on certain conditions, to + three persons, to whom the right of friendship did not permit me to refuse + anything of the kind, and whom the same rights still less permitted to + abuse my confidence by betraying their promise. These persons are Madam de + Chenonceaux, daughter-in-law to Madam Dupin, the Comtesse d’Houdetot, and + a German of the name of Grimm. Madam de Chenonceaux was desirous the + letter should be printed, and asked my consent. I told her that depended + upon yours. This was asked of you which you refused, and the matter + dropped. + </p> + <p> + “However, the Abbe Trublet, with whom I have not the least connection, has + just written to me from a motive of the most polite attention that having + received the papers of the journal of M. Formey, he found in them this + same letter with an advertisement, dated on the 23d of October, 1759, in + which the editor states that he had a few weeks before found it in the + shops of the booksellers of Berlin, and, as it is one of those loose + sheets which shortly disappear, he thought proper to give it a place in + his journal. + </p> + <p> + “This, sir, is all I know of the matter. It is certain the letter had not + until lately been heard of at Paris. It is also as certain that the copy, + either in manuscript or print, fallen into the hands of M. de Formey, + could never have reached them except by your means (which is not probable) + or of those of one of the three persons I have mentioned. Finally, it is + well known the two ladies are incapable of such a perfidy. I cannot, in my + retirement learn more relative to the affair. You have a correspondence by + means of which you may, if you think it worth the trouble, go back to the + source and verify the fact. + </p> + <p> + “In the same letter the Abbe Trublet informs me that he keeps the paper in + reserve, and will not lend it without my consent, which most assuredly I + will not give. But it is possible this copy may not be the only one in + Paris. I wish, sir, the letter may not be printed there, and I will do all + in my power to prevent this from happening; but if I cannot succeed, and + that, timely perceiving it, I can have the preference, I will not then + hesitate to have it immediately printed. This to me appears just and + natural. + </p> + <p> + “With respect to your answer to the same letter, it has not been + communicated to anyone, and you may be assured it shall not be printed + without your consent, which I certainly shall not be indiscreet enough to + ask of you, well knowing that what one man writes to another is not + written to the public. But should you choose to write one you wish to have + published, and address it to me, I promise you faithfully to add to it my + letter and not to make to it a single word of reply. + </p> + <p> + “I love you not, sir; you have done me, your disciple and enthusiastic + admirer; injuries which might have caused me the most exquisite pain. You + have ruined Geneva, in return for the asylum it has afforded you; you have + alienated from me my fellow-citizens, in return for eulogiums I made of + you amongst them; it is you who render to me the residence of my own + country insupportable; it is you who will oblige me to die in a foreign + land, deprived of all the consolations usually administered to a dying + person; and cause me, instead of receiving funeral rites, to be thrown to + the dogs, whilst all the honors a man can expect will accompany you in my + country. Finally I hate you because you have been desirous I should; but I + hate you as a man more worthy of loving you had you chosen it. Of all the + sentiments with which my heart was penetrated for you, admiration, which + cannot be refused your fine genius, and a partiality to your writings, are + those you have not effaced. If I can honor nothing in you except your + talents, the fault is not mine. I shall never be wanting in the respect + due to them, nor in that which this respect requires.” + </p> + <p> + In the midst of these little literary cavillings, which still fortified my + resolution, I received the greatest honor letters ever acquired me, and of + which I was the most sensible, in the two visits the Prince of Conti + deigned to make to me, one at the Little Castle and the other at Mont + Louis. He chose the time for both of these when M. de Luxembourg was not + at Montmorency, in order to render it more manifest that he came there + solely on my account. I have never had a doubt of my owing the first + condescensions of this prince to Madam de Luxembourg and Madam de + Boufflers; but I am of opinion I owe to his own sentiments and to myself + those with which he has since that time continually honored me. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [Remark the perseverance of this blind and stupid confidence in the + midst of all the treatment which should soonest have undeceived me. + It continued until my return to Paris in 1770.] +</pre> + <p> + My apartments at Mont Louis being small, and the situation of the alcove + charming, I conducted the prince to it, where, to complete the + condescension he was pleased to show me, he chose I should have the honor + of playing with him a game of chess. I knew he beat the Chevalier de + Lorenzy, who played better than I did. However, notwithstanding the signs + and grimace of the chevalier and the spectators, which I feigned not to + see, I won the two games we played: When they were ended, I said to him in + a respectful but very grave manner: “My lord, I honor your serene highness + too much not to beat you always at chess.” This great prince, who had real + wit, sense, and knowledge, and so was worthy not to be treated with mean + adulation, felt in fact, at least I think so, that I was the only person + present who treated him like a man, and I have every reason to believe he + was not displeased with me for it. + </p> + <p> + Had this even been the case, I should not have reproached myself with + having been unwilling to deceive him in anything, and I certainly cannot + do it with having in my heart made an ill return for his goodness, but + solely with having sometimes done it with an ill grace, whilst he himself + accompanied with infinite gracefulness the manner in which he showed me + the marks of it. A few days afterwards he ordered a hamper of game to be + sent me, which I received as I ought. This in a little time was succeeded + by another, and one of his gamekeepers wrote me, by order of his highness, + that the game it contained had been shot by the prince himself. I received + this second hamper, but I wrote to Madam de Boufflers that I would not + receive a third. This letter was generally blamed, and deservedly so. + Refusing to accept presents of game from a prince of the blood, who + moreover sends it in so polite a manner, is less the delicacy of a haughty + man, who wishes to preserve his independence, than the rusticity of a + clown, who does not know himself. I have never read this letter in my + collection without blushing and reproaching myself for having written it. + But I have not undertaken my Confession with an intention of concealing my + faults, and that of which I have just spoken is too shocking in my own + eyes to suffer me to pass it over in silence. + </p> + <p> + If I were not guilty of the offence of becoming his rival I was very near + doing it; for Madam de Boufflers was still his mistress, and I knew + nothing of the matter. She came rather frequently to see me with the + Chevalier de Lorenzy. She was yet young and beautiful, affected to be + whimsical, and my mind was always romantic, which was much of the same + nature. I was near being laid hold of; I believe she perceived it; the + chevalier saw it also, at least he spoke to me upon the subject, and in a + manner not discouraging. But I was this time reasonable, and at the age of + fifty it was time I should be so. Full of the doctrine I had just preached + to graybeards in my letter to D’Alembert, I should have been ashamed of + not profiting by it myself; besides, coming to the knowledge of that of + which I had been ignorant, I must have been mad to have carried my + pretensions so far as to expose myself to such an illustrious rivalry. + Finally, ill cured perhaps of my passion for Madam de Houdetot, I felt + nothing could replace it in my heart, and I bade adieu to love for the + rest of my life. I have this moment just withstood the dangerous + allurements of a young woman who had her views; and if she feigned to + forget my twelve lustres I remember them. After having thus withdrawn + myself from danger, I am no longer afraid of a fall, and I answer for + myself for the rest of my days. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Boufflers, perceiving the emotion she caused in me, might also + observe I had triumphed over it. I am neither mad nor vain enough to + believe I was at my age capable of inspiring her with the same feelings; + but, from certain words which she let drop to Theresa, I thought I had + inspired her with a curiosity; if this be the case, and that she has not + forgiven me the disappointment she met with, it must be confessed I was + born to be the victim of my weaknesses, since triumphant love was so + prejudicial to me, and love triumphed over not less so. + </p> + <p> + Here finishes the collection of letters which has served me as a guide in + the last two books. My steps will in future be directed by memory only; + but this is of such a nature, relative to the period to which I am now + come, and the strong impression of objects has remained so perfectly upon + my mind, that lost in the immense sea of my misfortunes, I cannot forget + the detail of my first shipwreck, although the consequences present to me + but a confused remembrance. I therefore shall be able to proceed in the + succeeding book with sufficient confidence. If I go further it will be + groping in the dark. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK XI. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>lthough Eloisa, + which for a long time had been in the press, did not yet, at the end of + the year, 1760, appear, the work already began to make a great noise. + Madam de Luxembourg had spoken of it at court, and Madam de Houdetot at + Paris. The latter had obtained from me permission for Saint Lambert to + read the manuscript to the King of Poland, who had been delighted with it. + Duclos, to whom I had also given the perusal of the work, had spoken of it + at the academy. All Paris was impatient to see the novel; the booksellers + of the Rue Saint Jacques, and that of the Palais Royal, were beset with + people who came to inquire when it was to be published. It was at length + brought out, and the success it had, answered, contrary to custom, to the + impatience with which it had been expected. The dauphiness, who was one of + the first who read it, spoke of it to M. de Luxembourg as a ravishing + performance. The opinions of men of letters differed from each other, but + in those of any other class approbation was general, especially with the + women, who became so intoxicated with the book and the author, that there + was not one in high life with whom I might not have succeeded had I + undertaken to do it. Of this I have such proofs as I will not commit to + paper, and which without the aid of experience, authorized my opinion. It + is singular that the book should have succeeded better in France than in + the rest of Europe, although the French, both men and women, are severely + treated in it. Contrary to my expectation it was least successful in + Switzerland, and most so in Paris. Do friendship, love and virtue reign in + this capital more than elsewhere? Certainly not; but there reigns in it an + exquisite sensibility which transports the heart to their image, and makes + us cherish in others the pure, tender and virtuous sentiments we no longer + possess. Corruption is everywhere the same; virtue and morality no longer + exist in Europe; but if the least love of them still remains, it is in + Paris that this will be found.—[I wrote this in 1769.] + </p> + <p> + In the midst of so many prejudices and feigned passions, the real + sentiments of nature are not to be distinguished from others, unless we + well know to analyze the human heart. A very nice discrimination, not to + be acquired except by the education of the world, is necessary to feel the + finesses of the heart, if I dare use the expression, with which this work + abounds. I do not hesitate to place the fourth part of it upon an equality + with the Princess of Cleves; nor to assert that had these two works been + read nowhere but in the provinces, their merit would never have been + discovered. It must not, therefore, be considered as a matter of + astonishment, that the greatest success of my work was at court. It + abounds with lively but veiled touches of the pencil, which could not but + give pleasure there, because the persons who frequent it are more + accustomed than others to discover them. A distinction must, however, be + made. The work is by no means proper for the species of men of wit who + have nothing but cunning, who possess no other kind of discernment than + that which penetrates evil, and see nothing where good only is to be + found. If, for instance, Eloisa had been published in a certain country, I + am convinced it would not have been read through by a single person, and + the work would have been stifled in its birth. + </p> + <p> + I have collected most of the letters written to me on the subject of this + publication, and deposited them, tied up together, in the hands of Madam + de Nadillac. Should this collection ever be given to the world, very + singular things will be seen, and an opposition of opinion, which shows + what it is to have to do with the public. The thing least kept in view, + and which will ever distinguish it from every other work, is the + simplicity of the subject and the continuation of the interest, which, + confined to three persons, is kept up throughout six volumes, without + episode, romantic adventure, or anything malicious either in the persons + or actions. Diderot complimented Richardson on the prodigious variety of + his portraits and the multiplicity of his persons. In fact, Richardson has + the merit of having well characterized them all; but with respect to their + number, he has that in common with the most insipid writers of novels who + attempt to make up for the sterility of their ideas by multiplying persons + and adventures. It is easy to awaken the attention by incessantly + presenting unheard of adventures and new faces, which pass before the + imagination as the figures in a magic lanthorn do before the eye; but to + keep up that attention to the same objects, and without the aid of the + wonderful, is certainly more difficult; and if, everything else being + equal, the simplicity of the subject adds to the beauty of the work, the + novels of Richardson, superior in so many other respects, cannot in this + be compared to mine. I know it is already forgotten, and the cause of its + being so; but it will be taken up again. All my fear was that, by an + extreme simplicity, the narrative would be fatiguing, and that it was not + sufficiently interesting to engage the attention throughout the whole. I + was relieved from this apprehension by a circumstance which alone was more + flattering to my pride than all the compliments made me upon the work. + </p> + <p> + It appeared at the beginning of the carnival; a hawker carried it to the + Princess of Talmont—[It was not the princess, but some other lady, + whose name I do not know.]—on the evening of a ball night at the + opera. After supper the Princess dressed herself for the ball, and until + the hour of going there, took up the new novel. At midnight she ordered + the horses to be put into the carriage, and continued to read. The servant + returned to tell her the horses were put to; she made no answer. Her + people perceiving she forgot herself, came to tell her it was two o’clock. + “There is yet no hurry,” replied the princess, still reading on. Some time + afterwards, her watch having stopped, she rang to know the hour. She was + told it was four o’clock. “That being the case,” she said, “it is too late + to go to the ball; let the horses be taken off.” She undressed herself and + passed the rest of the night in reading. + </p> + <p> + Ever since I came to the knowledge of this circumstance, I have had a + constant desire to see the lady, not only to know from herself whether or + not what I have related be exactly true, but because I have always thought + it impossible to be interested in so lively a manner in the happiness of + Julia, without having that sixth and moral sense with which so few hearts + are endowed, and without which no person whatever can understand the + sentiments of mine. + </p> + <p> + What rendered the women so favorable to me was, their being persuaded that + I had written my own history, and was myself the hero of the romance. This + opinion was so firmly established, that Madam de Polignac wrote to Madam + de Verdelin, begging she would prevail upon me to show her the portrait of + Julia. Everybody thought it was impossible so strongly to express + sentiments without having felt them, or thus to describe the transports of + love, unless immediately from the feelings of the heart. This was true, + and I certainly wrote the novel during the time my imagination was + inflamed to ecstasy; but they who thought real objects necessary to this + effect were deceived, and far from conceiving to what a degree I can at + will produce it for imaginary beings. Without Madam d’Houdetot, and the + recollection of a few circumstances in my youth, the amours I have felt + and described would have been with fairy nymphs. I was unwilling either to + confirm or destroy an error which was advantageous to me. The reader may + see in the preface a dialogue, which I had printed separately, in what + manner I left the public in suspense. Rigorous people say, I ought to have + explicity declared the truth. For my part I see no reason for this, nor + anything that could oblige me to it, and am of opinion there would have + been more folly than candor in the declaration without necessity. + </p> + <p> + Much about the same time the ‘Paix Perpetuelle’ made its appearance, of + this I had the year before given the manuscript to a certain M. de + Bastide, the author of a journal called Le Monde, into which he would at + all events cram all my manuscripts. He was known to M. Duclos, and came in + his name to beg I would help him to fill the Monde. He had heard speak of + Eloisa, and would have me put this into his journal; he was also desirous + of making the same use of Emilius; he would have asked me for the Social + Contract for the same purpose, had he suspected it to be written. At + length, fatigued with his importunities, I resolved upon letting him have + the Paix Perpetuelle, which I gave him for twelve louis. Our agreement + was, that he should print it in his journal; but as soon as he became the + proprietor of the manuscript, he thought proper to print it separately, + with a few retrenchments, which the censor required him to make. What + would have happened had I joined to the work my opinion of it, which + fortunately I did not communicate to M. de Bastide, nor was it + comprehended in our agreement? This remains still in manuscript amongst my + papers. If ever it be made public, the world will see how much the + pleasantries and self-sufficient manner of M. de Voltaire on the subject + must have made me, who was so well acquainted with the short-sightedness + of this poor man in political matters, of which he took it into his head + to speak, shake my sides with laughter. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of my success with the women and the public, I felt I lost + ground at the Hotel de Luxembourg, not with the marechal, whose goodness + to me seemed daily to increase, but with his lady. Since I had had nothing + more to read to her, the door of her apartment was not so frequently open + to me, and during her stay at Montmorency, although I regularly presented + myself, I seldom saw her except at table. My place even there was not + distinctly marked out as usual. As she no longer offered me that by her + side, and spoke to me but seldom, not having on my part much to say to + her, I was well satisfied with another, where I was more at my ease, + especially in the evening; for I mechanically contracted the habit of + placing myself nearer and nearer to the marechal. + </p> + <p> + Apropos of the evening: I recollect having said I did not sup at the + castle, and this was true, at the beginning of my acquaintance there; but + as M. de Luxembourg did not dine, nor even sit down to table, it happened + that I was for several months, and already very familiar in the family, + without ever having eaten with him. This he had the goodness to remark, + upon which I determined to sup there from time to time, when the company + was not numerous; I did so, and found the suppers very agreeable, as the + dinners were taken almost standing; whereas the former were long, + everybody remaining seated with pleasure after a long walk; and very good + and agreeable, because M. de Luxembourg loved good eating, and the honors + of them were done in a charming manner by madam de marechale. Without this + explanation it would be difficult to understand the end of a letter from + M. de Luxembourg, in which he says he recollects our walks with the + greatest pleasure; especially, adds he, when in the evening we entered the + court and did not find there the traces of carriages. The rake being every + morning drawn over the gravel to efface the marks left by the coach + wheels, I judged by the number of ruts of that of the persons who had + arrived in the afternoon. + </p> + <p> + This year, 1761, completed the heavy losses this good man had suffered + since I had had the honor of being known to him. As if it had been + ordained that the evils prepared for me by destiny should begin by the man + to whom I was most attached, and who was the most worthy of esteem. The + first year he lost his sister, the Duchess of Villeroy; the second, his + daughter, the Princess of Robeck; the third, he lost in the Duke of + Montmorency his only son; and in the Comte de Luxembourg, his grandson, + the last two supporters of the branch of which he was, and of his name. He + supported all these losses with apparent courage, but his heart + incessantly bled in secret during the rest of his life, and his health was + ever after upon the decline. The unexpected and tragical death of his son + must have afflicted him the more, as it happened immediately after the + king had granted him for his child, and given him the promise for his + grandson, the reversion of the commission he himself then held of the + captain of the Gardes de Corps. He had the mortification to see the last, + a most promising young man, perish by degrees from the blind confidence of + the mother in the physician, who giving the unhappy youth medicines for + food, suffered him to die of inanition. Alas! had my advice been taken, + the grandfather and the grandson would both still have been alive. What + did not I say and write to the marechal, what remonstrances did I make to + Madam de Montmorency, upon the more than severe regimen, which, upon the + faith of physicians, she made her son observe! Madam de Luxembourg, who + thought as I did, would not usurp the authority of the mother; M. de + Luxembourg, a man of mild and easy character, did not like to contradict + her. Madam de Montmorency had in Borden a confidence to which her son at + length became a victim. How delighted was the poor creature when he could + obtain permission to come to Mont Louis with Madam de Boufflers, to ask + Theresa for some victuals for his famished stomach! How did I secretly + deplore the miseries of greatness in seeing this only heir to a immense + fortune, a great name, and so many dignified titles, devour with the + greediness of a beggar a wretched morsel of bread! At length, + notwithstanding all I could say and do, the physician triumphed, and the + child died of hunger. + </p> + <p> + The same confidence in quacks, which destroyed the grandson, hastened the + dissolution of the grandfather, and to this he added the pusillanimity of + wishing to dissimulate the infirmities of age. M. de Luxembourg had at + intervals a pain in the great toe; he was seized with it at Montmorency, + which deprived him of sleep, and brought on slight fever. I had courage + enough to pronounce the word gout. Madam de Luxembourg gave me a + reprimand. The surgeon, valet de chambre of the marechal, maintained it + was not the gout, and dressed the suffering part with beaume tranquille. + Unfortunately the pain subsided, and when it returned the same remedy was + had recourse to. The constitution of the marechal was weakened, and his + disorder increased, as did his remedies in the same proportion. Madam de + Luxembourg, who at length perceived the primary disorder to be the gout, + objected to the dangerous manner of treating it. Things were afterwards + concealed from her, and M. de Luxembourg in a few years lost his life in + consequence of his obstinate adherence to what he imagined to be a method + of cure. But let me not anticipate misfortune: how many others have I to + relate before I come to this! + </p> + <p> + It is singular with what fatality everything I could say and do seemed of + a nature to displease Madam de Luxembourg, even when I had it most at + heart to preserve her friendship. The repeated afflictions which fell upon + M. de Luxembourg still attached me to him the more, and consequently to + Madam de Luxembourg; for they always seemed to me to be so sincerely + united, that the sentiments in favor of the one necessarily extended to + the other. The marechal grew old. His assiduity at court, the cares this + brought on, continually hunting, fatigue, and especially that of the + service during the quarter he was in waiting, required the vigor of a + young man, and I did not perceive anything that could support his in that + course of life; since, besides after his death, his dignities were to be + dispersed and his name extinct, it was by no means necessary for him to + continue a laborious life of which the principal object had been to + dispose the prince favorably to his children. One day when we three were + together, and he complained of the fatigues of the court, as a man who had + been discouraged by his losses, I took the liberty to speak of retirement, + and to give him the advice Cyneas gave to Pyrrhus. He sighed, and returned + no positive answer. But the moment Madam de Luxembourg found me alone she + reprimanded me severely for what I had said, at which she seemed to be + alarmed. She made a remark of which I so strongly felt the justness that I + determined never again to touch upon the subject: this was, that the long + habit of living at court made that life necessary, that it was become a + matter of amusement for M. de Luxembourg, and that the retirement I + proposed to him would be less a relaxation from care than an exile, in + which inactivity, weariness and melancholy would soon put an end to his + existence. Although she must have perceived I was convinced, and ought to + have relied upon the promise I made her, and which I faithfully kept, she + still seemed to doubt of it; and I recollect that the conversations I + afterwards had with the marechal were less frequent and almost always + interrupted. + </p> + <p> + Whilst my stupidity and awkwardness injured me in her opinion, persons + whom she frequently saw and most loved, were far from being disposed to + aid me in gaining what I had lost. The Abbe de Boufflers especially, a + young man as lofty as it was possible for a man to be, never seemed well + disposed towards me; and besides his being the only person of the society + of Madam de Luxembourg who never showed me the least attention, I thought + I perceived I lost something with her every time he came to the castle. It + is true that without his wishing this to be the case, his presence alone + was sufficient to produce the effect; so much did his graceful and elegant + manner render still more dull my stupid propositi. During the first two + years he seldom came to Montmorency, and by the indulgence of Madam de + Luxembourg I had tolerably supported myself, but as soon as his visits + began to be regular I was irretrievably lost. I wished to take refuge + under his wing, and gain his friendship; but the same awkwardness which + made it necessary I should please him prevented me from succeeding in the + attempt I made to do it, and what I did with that intention entirely lost + me with Madam de Luxembourg, without being of the least service to me with + the abbe. With his understanding he might have succeeded in anything, but + the impossibility of applying himself, and his turn for dissipation, + prevented his acquiring a perfect knowledge of any subject. His talents + are however various, and this is sufficient for the circles in which he + wishes to distinguish himself. He writes light poetry and fashionable + letters, strums on the cithern, and pretends to draw with crayon. He took + it into his head to attempt the portrait of Madam de Luxembourg; the + sketch he produced was horrid. She said it did not in the least resemble + her and this was true. The traitorous abbe consulted me, and I like a fool + and a liar, said there was a likeness. I wished to flatter the abbe, but I + did not please the lady who noted down what I had said, and the abbe, + having obtained what he wanted, laughed at me in his turn. I perceived by + the ill success of this my late beginning the necessity of making another + attempt to flatter ‘invita Minerva’. + </p> + <p> + My talent was that of telling men useful but severe truths with energy and + courage; to this it was necessary to confine myself. Not only I was not + born to flatter, but I knew not how to commend. The awkwardness of the + manner in which I have sometimes bestowed eulogium has done me more harm + than the severity of my censure. Of this I have to adduce one terrible + instance, the consequences of which have not only fixed my fate for the + rest of my life, but will perhaps decide on my reputation throughout all + posterity. + </p> + <p> + During the residence of M. de Luxembourg at Montmorency, M. de Choiseul + sometimes came to supper at the castle. He arrived there one day after I + had left it. My name was mentioned, and M. de Luxembourg related to him + what had happened at Venice between me and M. de Montaigu. M. de Choiseul + said it was a pity I had quitted that track, and that if I chose to enter + it again he would most willingly give me employment. M. de Luxembourg told + me what had passed. Of this I was the more sensible as I was not + accustomed to be spoiled by ministers, and had I been in a better state of + health it is not certain that I should not have been guilty of a new + folly. Ambition never had power over my mind except during the short + intervals in which every other passion left me at liberty; but one of + these intervals would have been sufficient to determine me. This good + intention of M. de Choiseul gained him my attachment and increased the + esteem which, in consequence of some operations in his administration, I + had conceived for his talents; and the family compact in particular had + appeared to me to evince a statesman of the first order. He moreover + gained ground in my estimation by the little respect I entertained for his + predecessors, not even excepting Madam de Pompadour, whom I considered as + a species of prime minister, and when it was reported that one of these + two would expel the other, I thought I offered up prayers for the honor of + France when I wished that M. de Choiseul might triumph. I had always felt + an antipathy to Madam de Pompadour, even before her preferment; I had seen + her with Madam de la Popliniere when her name was still Madam d’Etioles. I + was afterwards dissatisfied with her silence on the subject of Diderot, + and with her proceedings relative to myself, as well on the subject of the + ‘Muses Galantes’, as on that of the ‘Devin du Village’, which had not in + any manner produced me advantages proportioned to its success; and on all + occasions I had found her but little disposed to serve me. This however + did not prevent the Chevalier de Lorenzy from proposing to me to write + something in praise of that lady, insinuating that I might acquire some + advantage by it. The proposition excited my indignation, the more as I + perceived it did not come from himself, knowing that, passive as he was, + he thought and acted according to the impulsion he received. I am so + little accustomed to constraint that it was impossible for me to conceal + from him my disdain, nor from anybody the moderate opinion I had of the + favorite; this I am sure she knew, and thus my own interest was added to + my natural inclination in the wishes I formed for M. de Choiseul. Having a + great esteem for his talents, which was all I knew of him, full of + gratitude for his kind intentions, and moreover unacquainted in my + retirement with his taste and manner of living, I already considered him + as the avenger of the public and myself; and being at that time writing + the conclusion of my Social Contract, I stated in it, in a single passage, + what I thought of preceding ministers, and of him by whom they began to be + eclipsed. On this occasion I acted contrary to my most constant maxim; and + besides, I did not recollect that, in bestowing praise and strongly + censuring in the same article, without naming the persons, the language + must be so appropriated to those to whom it is applicable, that the most + ticklish pride cannot find in it the least thing equivocal. I was in this + respect in such an imprudent security, that I never once thought it was + possible any one should make a false application. It will soon appear + whether or not I was right. + </p> + <p> + One of my misfortunes was always to be connected with some female author. + This I thought I might avoid amongst the great. I was deceived; it still + pursued me. Madam de Luxembourg was not, however; at least that I know of, + attacked with the mania of writing; but Madam de Boufflers was. She wrote + a tragedy in prose, which, in the first place, was read, handed about, and + highly spoken of in the society of the Prince Conti, and upon which, not + satisfied with the encomiums she received, she would absolutely consult me + for the purpose of having mine. This she obtained, but with that + moderation which the work deserved. She besides had with it the + information I thought it my duty to give her, that her piece, entitled + ‘L’Esclave Genereux’, greatly resembled the English tragedy of ‘Oroonoko’, + but little known in France, although translated into the French language. + Madam de Bouffiers thanked me for the remark, but, however, assured me + there was not the least resemblance between her piece and the other. I + never spoke of the plagiarisms except to herself, and I did it to + discharge a duty she had imposed on me; but this has not since prevented + me from frequently recollecting the consequences of the sincerity of Gil + Blas to the preaching archbishop. + </p> + <p> + Besides the Abbe de Bouffiers, by whom I was not beloved, and Madam de + Bouffiers, in whose opinion I was guilty of that which neither women nor + authors ever pardon, the other friends of Madam de Luxembourg never seemed + much disposed to become mine, particularly the President Henault, who, + enrolled amongst authors, was not exempt from their weaknesses; also Madam + du Deffand, and Mademoiselle de Lespinasse, both intimate with Voltaire + and the friends of D’Alembert, with whom the latter at length lived, + however upon an honorable footing, for it cannot be understood I mean + otherwise. I first began to interest myself for Madam du Deffand, whom the + loss of her eyes made an object of commiseration in mine; but her manner + of living so contrary to my own, that her hour of going to bed was almost + mine for rising; her unbounded passion for low wit, the importance she + gave to every kind of printed trash, either complimentary or abusive, the + despotism and transports of her oracles, her excessive admiration or + dislike of everything, which did not permit her to speak upon any subject + without convulsions, her inconceivable prejudices, invincible obstinacy, + and the enthusiasm of folly to which this carried her in her passionate + judgments; all disgusted me and diminished the attention I wished to pay + her. I neglected her and she perceived it; this was enough to set her in a + rage, and, although I was sufficiently aware how much a woman of her + character was to be feared, I preferred exposing myself to the scourge of + her hatred rather than to that of her friendship. + </p> + <p> + My having so few friends in the society of Madam de Luxembourg would not + have been in the least dangerous had I had no enemies in the family. Of + these I had but one, who, in my then situation, was as powerful as a + hundred. It certainly was not M. de Villeroy, her brother; for he not only + came to see me, but had several times invited me to Villeroy; and as I had + answered to the invitation with all possible politeness and respect, he + had taken my vague manner of doing it as a consent, and arranged with + Madam de Luxembourg a journey of a fortnight, in which it was proposed to + me to make one of the party. As the cares my health then required did not + permit me to go from home without risk, I prayed Madam de Luxembourg to + have the goodness to make my apologies. Her answer proves this was done + with all possible ease, and M. de Villeroy still continued to show me his + usual marks of goodness. His nephew and heir, the young Marquis of + Villeroy, had not for me the same benevolence, nor had I for him the + respect I had for his uncle. His harebrained manner rendered him + insupportable to me, and my coldness drew upon me his aversion. He + insultingly attacked me one evening at table, and I had the worst of it + because I am a fool, without presence of mind; and because anger, instead + of rendering my wit more poignant, deprives me of the little I have. I had + a dog which had been given me when he was quite young, soon after my + arrival at the Hermitage, and which I had called Duke. This dog, not + handsome, but rare of his kind, of which I had made my companion and + friend, a title which he certainly merited much more than most of the + persons by whom it was taken, became in great request at the castle of + Montmorency for his good nature and fondness, and the attachment we had + for each other; but from a foolish pusillanimity I had changed his name to + Turk, as if there were not many dogs called Marquis, without giving the + least offence to any marquis whatsoever. The Marquis of Villeroy, who knew + of the change of name, attacked me in such a manner that I was obliged + openly at table to relate what I had done. Whatever there might be + offensive in the name of duke, it was not in my having given but in my + having taken it away. The worst of it all was, there were many dukes + present, amongst others M. de Luxembourg and his son; and the Marquis de + Villeroy, who was one day to have, and now has the title, enjoyed in the + most cruel manner the embarrassment into which he had thrown me. I was + told the next day his aunt had severely reprimanded him, and it may be + judged whether or not, supposing her to have been serious, this put me + upon better terms with him. + </p> + <p> + To enable me to support his enmity I had no person, neither at the Hotel + de Luxembourg nor at the Temple, except the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who + professed himself my friend; but he was more that of D’Alembert, under + whose protection he passed with women for a great geometrician. He was + moreover the cicisbeo, or rather the complaisant chevalier of the Countess + of Boufflers, a great friend also to D’Alembert, and the Chevalier de + Lorenzy was the most passive instrument in her hands. Thus, far from + having in that circle any counter-balance to my inaptitude, to keep me in + the good graces of Madam de Luxembourg, everybody who approached her + seemed to concur in injuring me in her good opinion. Yet, besides Emilius, + with which she charged herself, she gave me at the same time another mark + of her benevolence, which made me imagine that, although wearied with my + conversation, she would still preserve for me the friendship she had so + many times promised me for life. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I thought I could depend upon this, I began to ease my heart, + by confessing to her all my faults, having made it an inviolable maxim to + show myself to my friends such as I really was, neither better nor worse. + I had declared to her my connection with Theresa, and everything that had + resulted from it, without concealing the manner in which I had disposed of + my children. She had received my confessions favorably, and even too much + so, since she spared me the censures I so much merited; and what made the + greatest impression upon me was her goodness to Theresa, making her + presents, sending for her, and begging her to come and see her, receiving + her with caresses, and often embracing her in public. This poor girl was + in transports of joy and gratitude, of which I certainly partook; the + friendship Madam de Luxembourg showed me in her condescensions to Theresa + affected me much more than if they had been made immediately to myself. + </p> + <p> + Things remained in this state for a considerable time; but at length Madam + de Luxembourg carried her goodness so far as to have a desire to take one + of my children from the hospital. She knew I had put a cipher into the + swaddling clothes of the eldest; she asked me for the counterpart of the + cipher, and I gave it to her. In this research she employed La Roche, her + valet de chambre and confidential servant, who made vain inquiries, + although after only about twelve or fourteen years, had the registers of + the foundling hospital been in order, or the search properly made, the + original cipher ought to have been found. However this may be, I was less + sorry for his want of success than I should have been had I from time to + time continued to see the child from its birth until that moment. If by + the aid of the indications given, another child had been presented as my + own, the doubt of its being so in fact, and the fear of having one thus + substituted for it, would have contracted my affections, and I should not + have tasted of the charm of the real sentiment of nature. This during + infancy stands in need of being supported by habit. The long absence of a + child whom the father has seen but for an instant, weakens, and at length + annihilates paternal sentiment, and parents will never love a child sent + to nurse, like that which is brought up under their eyes. This reflection + may extenuate my faults in their effects, but it must aggravate them in + their source. + </p> + <p> + It may not perhaps be useless to remark that by the means of Theresa, the + same La Roche became acquainted with Madam le Vasseur, whom Grimm still + kept at Deuil, near La Chevrette, and not far from Montmorency. + </p> + <p> + After my departure it was by means of La Roche that I continued to send + this woman the money I had constantly sent her at stated times, and I am + of opinion he often carried her presents from Madam de Luxembourg; + therefore she certainly was not to be pitied, although she constantly + complained. With respect to Grimm, as I am not fond of speaking of persons + whom I ought to hate, I never mentioned his name to Madam de Luxembourg, + except when I could not avoid it; but she frequently made him the subject + of conversation, without telling me what she thought of the man, or + letting me discover whether or not he was of her acquaintance. Reserve + with people I love and who are open with me being contrary to my nature, + especially in things relating to themselves, I have since that time + frequently thought of that of Madam de Luxembourg; but never, except when + other events rendered the recollection natural. + </p> + <p> + Having waited a long time without hearing speak of Emilius, after I had + given it to Madam de Luxembourg, I at last heard the agreement was made at + Paris, with the bookseller Duchesne, and by him with Neaulme, of + Amsterdam. Madam de Luxembourg sent me the original and the duplicate of + my agreement with Duchesne, that I might sign them. I discovered the + writing to be by the same hand as that of the letters of M. de + Malesherbes, which he himself did not write. The certainty that my + agreement was made by the consent, and under the eye of that magistrate, + made me sign without hesitation. Duchesne gave me for the manuscript six + thousand livres (two hundred and fifty pounds), half in specie, and one or + two hundred copies. After having signed the two parts, I sent them both to + Madam de Luxembourg, according to her desire; she gave one to Duchesne, + and instead of returning the other kept it herself, so that I never saw it + afterwards. + </p> + <p> + My acquaintance with M. and Madam de Luxembourg, though it diverted me a + little from my plan of retirement, did not make me entirely renounce it. + Even at the time I was most in favor with Madam de Luxembourg, I always + felt that nothing but my sincere attachment to the marechal and herself + could render to me supportable the people with whom they were connected, + and all the difficulty I had was in conciliating this attachment with a + manner of life more agreeable to my inclination, and less contrary to my + health, which constraint and late suppers continually deranged, + notwithstanding all the care taken to prevent it; for in this, as in + everything else, attention was carried as far as possible; thus, for + instance, every evening after supper the marechal, who went early to bed, + never failed, notwithstanding everything that could be said to the + contrary, to make me withdraw at the same time. It was not until some + little time before my catastrophe that, for what reason I know not, he + ceased to pay me that attention. Before I perceived the coolness of Madam + de Luxembourg, I was desirous, that I might not expose myself to it, to + execute my old project; but not having the means to that effect, I was + obliged to wait for the conclusion of the agreement for ‘Emilius’, and in + the time I finished the ‘Social Contract’, and sent it to Rey, fixing the + price of the manuscript at a thousand livres (forty-one pounds), which he + paid me. + </p> + <p> + I ought not perhaps to omit a trifling circumstance relative to this + manuscript. I gave it, well sealed up, to Du Voisin, a minister in the + pays de Vaud and chaplain at the Hotel de Hollande, who sometimes came to + see me, and took upon himself to send the packet to Rey, with whom he was + connected. The manuscript, written in a small letter, was but very + trifling, and did not fill his pocket. Yet, in passing the barriere, the + packet fell, I know not by what means, into the hands of the Commis, who + opened and examined it, and afterwards returned it to him, when he had + reclaimed it in the name of the ambassador. This gave him an opportunity + of reading it himself, which he ingeniously wrote me he had done, speaking + highly of the work, without suffering a word of criticism or censure to + escape him; undoubtedly reserving to himself to become the avenger of + Christianity as soon as the work should appear. He resealed the packet and + sent it to Rey. Such is the substance of his narrative in the letter in + which he gave an account of the affair, and is all I ever knew of the + matter. + </p> + <p> + Besides these two books and my dictionary of music, at which I still did + something as opportunity offered, I had other works of less importance + ready to make their appearance, and which I proposed to publish either + separately or in my general collection, should I ever undertake it. The + principal of these works, most of which are still in manuscript in the + hands of De Peyrou, was an essay on the origin of Languages, which I had + read to M. de Malesherbes and the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who spoke + favorably of it. I expected all the productions together would produce me + a net capital of from eight to ten thousand livres (three to four hundred + pounds), which I intended to sink in annuities for my life and that of + Theresa; after which, our design, as I have already mentioned, was to go + and live together in the midst of some province, without further troubling + the public about me, or myself with any other project than that of + peacefully ending my days and still continuing to do in my neighborhood + all the good in my power, and to write at leisure the memoirs which I + intended. + </p> + <p> + Such was my intention, and the execution of it was facilitated by an act + of generosity in Rey, upon which I cannot be silent. This bookseller, of + whom so many unfavorable things were told me in Paris, is, + notwithstanding, the only one with whom I have always had reason to be + satisfied. It is true, we frequently disagreed as to the execution of my + works. He was heedless and I was choleric; but in matters of interest + which related to them, although I never made with him an agreement in + form, I always found in him great exactness and probity. He is also the + only person of his profession who frankly confessed to me he gained + largely by my means; and he frequently, when he offered me a part of his + fortune, told me I was the author of it all. Not finding the means of + exercising his gratitude immediately upon myself, he wished at least to + give me proofs of it in the person of my governante, upon whom he settled + an annuity of three hundred livres (twelve pounds), expressing in the deed + that it was an acknowledgment for the advantages I had procured him. This + he did between himself and me, without ostentation, pretension, or noise, + and had not I spoken of it to anybody, not a single person would ever have + known anything of the matter. I was so pleased with this action that I + became attached to Rey, and conceived for him a real friendship. Sometime + afterwards he desired I would become godfather to one of his children; I + consented, and a part of my regret in the situation to which I am reduced, + is my being deprived of the means of rendering in future my attachment of + my goddaughter useful to her and her parents. Why am I, who am so sensible + of the modest generosity of this bookseller, so little so of the noisy + eagerness of many persons of the highest rank, who pompously fill the + world with accounts of the services they say they wished to render me, but + the good effects of which I never felt? Is it their fault or mine? Are + they nothing more than vain; is my insensibility purely ingratitude? + Intelligent reader, weigh and determine; for my part I say no more. + </p> + <p> + This pension was a great resource to Theresa and considerable alleviation + to me, although I was far from receiving from it a direct advantage, any + more than from the presents that were made her. + </p> + <p> + She herself has always disposed of everything. When I kept her money I + gave her a faithful account of it, without ever applying any part of the + deposit to our common expenses, not even when she was richer than myself. + “What is mine is ours,” said I to her; “and what is thine is thine.” I + never departed from this maxim. They who have had the baseness to accuse + me of receiving by her hands that which I refused to take with mine, + undoubtedly judged of my heart by their own, and knew but little of me. I + would willingly eat with her the bread she should have earned, but not + that she should have had given her. For a proof of this I appeal to + herself, both now and hereafter, when, according to the course of nature, + she shall have survived me. Unfortunately, she understands but little of + economy in any respect, and is, besides, careless and extravagant, not + from vanity nor gluttony, but solely from negligence. No creature is + perfect here below, and since the excellent qualities must be accompanied + with some defects; I prefer these to vices; although her defects are more + prejudicial to us both. The efforts I have made, as formerly I did for + mamma, to accumulate something in advance which might some day be to her a + never-failing resource, are not to be conceived; but my cares were always + ineffectual. + </p> + <p> + Neither of these women ever called themselves to an account, and, + notwithstanding all my efforts, everything I acquired was dissipated as + fast as it came. Notwithstanding the great simplicity of Theresa’s dress, + the pension from Rey has never been sufficient to buy her clothes, and I + have every year been under the necessity of adding something to it for + that purpose. We are neither of us born to be rich, and this I certainly + do not reckon amongst our misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + The ‘Social Contract’ was soon printed. This was not the case with + ‘Emilius’, for the publication of which I waited to go into the retirement + I meditated. Duchesne, from time to time, sent me specimens of impression + to choose from; when I had made my choice, instead of beginning he sent me + others. When, at length, we were fully determined on the size and letter, + and several sheets were already printed off, on some trifling alteration I + made in a proof, he began the whole again; and at the end of six months we + were in less forwardness than on the first day. During all these + experiments I clearly perceived the work was printing in France as well as + in Holland, and that two editions of it were preparing at the same time. + What could I do? The manuscript was no longer mine. Far from having + anything to do with the edition in France, I was always against it; but + since, at length, this was preparing in spite of all opposition, and was + to serve as a model to the other, it was necessary I should cast my eyes + over it and examine the proofs, that my work might not be mutilated. It + was, besides, printed so much by the consent of the magistrate, that it + was he who, in some measure, directed the undertaking; he likewise wrote + to me frequently, and once came to see me and converse on the subject upon + an occasion of which I am going to speak. + </p> + <p> + Whilst Duchesne crept like a snail, Neaulme, whom he withheld, scarcely + moved at all. The sheets were not regularly sent him as they were printed. + He thought there was some trick in the manoeuvre of Duchesne, that is, of + Guy who acted for him; and perceiving the terms of the agreement to be + departed from, he wrote me letter after letter full of complaints, and it + was less possible for me to remove the subject of them than that of those + I myself had to make. His friend Guerin, who at that time came frequently + to see my house, never ceased speaking to me about the work, but always + with the greatest reserve. He knew and he did not know that it was + printing in France, and that the magistrate had a hand in it. In + expressing his concern for my embarrassment, he seemed to accuse me of + imprudence without ever saying in what this consisted; he incessantly + equivocated, and seemed to speak for no other purpose than to hear what I + had to say. I thought myself so secure that I laughed at his mystery and + circumspection as at a habit he had contracted with ministers and + magistrates whose offices he much frequented. Certain of having conformed + to every rule with the work, and strongly persuaded that I had not only + the consent and protection of the magistrate, but that the book merited + and had obtained the favor of the minister, I congratulated myself upon my + courage in doing good, and laughed at my pusillanimous friends who seemed + uneasy on my account. Duclos was one of these, and I confess my confidence + in his understanding and uprightness might have alarmed me, had I had less + in the utility of the work and in the probity of those by whom it was + patronized. He came from the house of M. Baille to see me whilst ‘Emilius’ + was in the press; he spoke to me concerning it; I read to him the + ‘Profession of Faith of the Savoyard Vicar’, to which he listened + attentively and, as it seemed to me with pleasure. When I had finished he + said: “What! citizen, this is a part of a work now printing in Paris?”—“Yes,” + answered I, and it ought to be printed at the Louvre by order of the + king.”—I confess it,” replied he; “but pray do not mention to + anybody your having read to me this fragment.” + </p> + <p> + This striking manner of expressing himself surprised without alarming me. + I knew Duclos was intimate with M. de Malesherbes, and I could not + conceive how it was possible he should think so differently from him upon + the same subject. + </p> + <p> + I had lived at Montmorency for the last four years without ever having had + there one day of good health. Although the air is excellent, the water is + bad, and this may possibly be one of the causes which contributed to + increase my habitual complaints. Towards the end of the autumn of 1767, I + fell quite ill, and passed the whole winter in suffering almost without + intermission. The physical ill, augmented by a thousand inquietudes, + rendered these terrible. For some time past my mind had been disturbed by + melancholy forebodings without my knowing to what these directly tended. I + received anonymous letters of an extraordinary nature, and others, that + were signed, much of the same import. I received one from a counsellor of + the parliament of Paris, who, dissatisfied with the present constitution + of things, and foreseeing nothing but disagreeable events, consulted me + upon the choice of an asylum at Geneva or in Switzerland, to retire to + with his family. Another was brought me from M. de ——-, + ‘president a mortier’ of the parliament of ——-, who proposed + to me to draw up for this Parliament, which was then at variance with the + court, memoirs and remonstrances, and offering to furnish me with all the + documents and materials necessary for that purpose. + </p> + <p> + When I suffer I am subject to ill humor. This was the case when I received + these letters, and my answers to them, in which I flatly refused + everything that was asked of me, bore strong marks of the effect they had + had upon my mind. I do not however reproach myself with this refusal, as + the letters might be so many snares laid by my enemies, and what was + required of me was contrary to the principles from which I was less + willing than ever to swerve. But having it within my power to refuse with + politeness I did it with rudeness, and in this consists my error. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [I knew, for instance, the President de ——- to be connected with + the Encyclopedists and the Holbachiens.] +</pre> + <p> + The two letters of which I have just spoken will be found amongst my + papers. The letter from the chancellor did not absolutely surprise me, + because I agreed with him in opinion, and with many others, that the + declining constitution of France threatened an approaching destruction. + The disasters of an unsuccessful war, all of which proceeded from a fault + in the government; the incredible confusion in the finances; the perpetual + drawings upon the treasury by the administration, which was then divided + between two or three ministers, amongst whom reigned nothing but discord, + and who, to counteract the operations of each other, let the kingdom go to + ruin; the discontent of the people, and of every other rank of subjects; + the obstinacy of a woman who, constantly sacrificing her judgment, if she + indeed possessed any, to her inclinations, kept from public employment + persons capable of discharging the duties of them, to place in them such + as pleased her best; everything occurred in justifying the foresight of + the counsellor, that of the public, and my own. This, made me several + times consider whether or not I myself should seek an asylum out of the + kingdom before it was torn by the dissensions by which it seemed to be + threatened; but relieved from my fears by my insignificance, and the + peacefulness of my disposition, I thought that in the state of solitude in + which I was determined to live, no public commotion could reach me. I was + sorry only that, in this state of things, M. de Luxembourg should accept + commissions which tended to injure him in the opinion of the persons of + the place of which he was governor. I could have wished he had prepared + himself a retreat there, in case the great machine had fallen in pieces, + which seemed much to be apprehended; and still appears to me beyond a + doubt, that if the reins of government had not fallen into a single hand, + the French monarchy would now be at the last gasp. + </p> + <p> + Whilst my situation became worse the printing of ‘Emilius’ went on more + slowly, and was at length suspended without my being able to learn the + reason why; Guy did not deign to answer my letter of inquiry, and I could + obtain no information from any person of what was going forward, M. de + Malesherbes being then in the country. A misfortune never makes me uneasy + provided I know in what it consists; but it is my nature to be afraid of + darkness, I tremble at the appearance of it; mystery always gives me + inquietude, it is too opposite to my natural disposition, in which there + is an openness bordering on imprudence. The sight of the most hideous + monster would, I am of opinion, alarm me but little; but if by night I + were to see a figure in a white sheet I should be afraid of it. My + imagination, wrought upon by this long silence, was now employed in + creating phantoms. I tormented myself the more in endeavoring to discover + the impediment to the printing of my last and best production, as I had + the publication of it much at heart; and as I always carried everything to + an extreme, I imagined that I perceived in the suspension the suppression + of the work. Yet, being unable to discover either the cause or manner of + it, I remained in the most cruel state of suspense. I wrote letter after + letter to Guy, to M. de Malesherbes and to Madam de Luxembourg, and not + receiving answers, at least when I expected them, my head became so + affected that I was not far from a delirium. I unfortunately heard that + Father Griffet, a Jesuit, had spoken of ‘Emilius’ and repeated from it + some passages. My imagination instantly unveiled to me the mystery of + iniquity; I saw the whole progress of it as clearly as if it had been + revealed to me. I figured to myself that the Jesuits, furious on account + of the contemptuous manner in which I had spoken of colleges, were in + possession of my work; that it was they who had delayed the publication; + that, informed by their friend Guerin of my situation, and foreseeing my + approaching dissolution, of which I myself had no manner of doubt, they + wished to delay the appearance of the work until after that event, with an + intention to curtail and mutilate it, and in favor of their own views, to + attribute to me sentiments not my own. The number of facts and + circumstances which occurred to my mind, in confirmation of this silly + proposition, and gave it an appearance of truth supported by evidence and + demonstration, is astonishing. I knew Guerin to be entirely in the + interest of the Jesuits. I attributed to them all the friendly advances he + had made me; I was persuaded he had, by their entreaties, pressed me to + engage with Neaulme, who had given them the first sheets of my work; that + they had afterwards found means to stop the printing of it by Duchesne, + and perhaps to get possession of the manuscript to make such alterations + in it as they should think proper, that after my death they might publish + it disguised in their own manner. I had always perceived, notwithstanding + the wheedling of Father Berthier, that the Jesuits did not like me, not + only as an Encyclopedist, but because all my principles were more in + opposition to their maxims and influence than the incredulity of my + colleagues, since atheistical and devout fanaticism, approaching each + other by their common enmity to toleration, may become united; a proof of + which is seen in China, and in the cabal against myself; whereas religion, + both reasonable and moral, taking away all power over the conscience, + deprives those who assume that power of every resource. I knew the + chancellor was a great friend to the Jesuits, and I had my fears less the + son, intimidated by the father, should find himself under the necessity of + abandoning the work he had protected. I besides imagined that I perceived + this to be the case in the chicanery employed against me relative to the + first two volumes, in which alterations were required for reasons of which + I could not feel the force; whilst the other two volumes were known to + contain things of such a nature as, had the censor objected to them in the + manner he did to the passages he thought exceptionable in the others, + would have required their being entirely written over again. I also + understood, and M. de Malesherbes himself told me of it, that the Abbe de + Grave, whom he had charged with the inspection of this edition, was + another partisan of the Jesuits. I saw nothing but Jesuits, without + considering that, upon the point of being suppressed, and wholly taken up + in making their defence, they had something which interested them much + more than the cavillings relative to a work in which they were not in + question. I am wrong, however, in saying this did not occur to me; for I + really thought of it, and M. de Malesherbes took care to make the + observation to me the moment he heard of my extravagant suspicions. But by + another of those absurdities of a man, who, from the bosom of obscurity, + will absolutely judge of the secret of great affairs, with which he is + totally unacquainted. I never could bring myself to believe the Jesuits + were in danger, and I considered the rumor of their suppression as an + artful manoeuvre of their own to deceive their adversaries. Their past + successes, which had been uninterrupted, gave me so terrible an idea of + the power, that I already was grieved at the overthrow of the parliament. + I knew M. de Choiseul had prosecuted his studies under the Jesuits, that + Madam de Pompadour was not upon bad terms with them, and that their league + with favorites and ministers had constantly appeared advantageous to their + order against their common enemies. The court seemed to remain neutral, + and persuaded as I was that should the society receive a severe check it + would not come from the parliament, I saw in the inaction of government + the ground of their confidence and the omen of their triumph. In fine, + perceiving in the rumors of the day nothing more than art and + dissimulation on their part, and thinking they, in their state of + security, had time to watch over all their interests, I had had not the + least doubt of their shortly crushing Jansenism, the parliament and the + Encyclopedists, with every other association which should not submit to + their yoke; and that if they ever suffered my work to appear, this would + not happen until it should be so transformed as to favor their + pretensions, and thus make use of my name the better to deceive my + readers. + </p> + <p> + I felt my health and strength decline; and such was the horror with which + my mind was filled, at the idea of dishonor to my memory in the work most + worthy of myself, that I am surprised so many extravagant ideas did not + occasion a speedy end to my existence. I never was so much afraid of death + as at this time, and had I died with the apprehensions I then had upon my + mind, I should have died in despair. At present, although I perceive no + obstacle to the execution of the blackest and most dreadful conspiracy + ever formed against the memory of a man, I shall die much more in peace, + certain of leaving in my writings a testimony in my favor, and one which, + sooner or later, will triumph over the calumnies of mankind. + </p> + <p> + M. de Malesherbes, who discovered the agitation of my mind, and to whom I + acknowledged it, used such endeavors to restore me to tranquility as + proved his excessive goodness of heart. Madam de Luxembourg aided him in + his good work, and several times went to Duchesne to know in what state + the edition was. At length the impression was again begun, and the + progress of it became more rapid than ever, without my knowing for what + reason it had been suspended. M. de Malesherbes took the trouble to come + to Montmorency to calm my mind; in this he succeeded, and the full + confidence I had in his uprightness having overcome the derangement of my + poor head, gave efficacy to the endeavors he made to restore it. After + what he had seen of my anguish and delirium, it was natural he should + think I was to be pitied; and he really commiserated my situation. The + expressions, incessantly repeated, of the philosophical cabal by which he + was surrounded, occurred to his memory. When I went to live at the + Hermitage, they, as I have already remarked, said I should not remain + there long. When they saw I persevered, they charged me with obstinacy and + pride, proceeding from a want of courage to retract, and insisted that my + life was there a burden to me; in short, that I was very wretched. M. de + Malesherbes believed this really to be the case, and wrote to me upon the + subject. This error in a man for whom I had so much esteem gave me some + pain, and I wrote to him four letters successively, in which I stated the + real motives of my conduct, and made him fully acquainted with my taste, + inclination and character, and with the most interior sentiments of my + heart. These letters, written hastily, almost without taking pen from + paper, and which I neither copied, corrected, nor even read, are perhaps + the only things I ever wrote with facility, which, in the midst of my + sufferings, was, I think, astonishing. I sighed, as I felt myself + declining, at the thought of leaving in the midst of honest men an opinion + of me so far from truth; and by the sketch hastily given in my four + letters, I endeavored, in some measure, to substitute them to the memoirs + I had proposed to write. They are expressive of my grief to M. de + Malesherbes, who showed them in Paris, and are, besides, a kind of summary + of what I here give in detail, and, on this account, merit preservation. + The copy I begged of them some years afterwards will be found amongst my + papers. + </p> + <p> + The only thing which continued to give me pain, in the idea of my + approaching dissolution, was my not having a man of letters for a friend, + to whom I could confide my papers, that after my death he might take a + proper choice of such as were worthy of publication. + </p> + <p> + After my journey to Geneva, I conceived a friendship for Moultou; this + young man pleased me, and I could have wished him to receive my last + breath. I expressed to him this desire, and am of opinion he would readily + have complied with it, had not his affairs prevented him from so doing. + Deprived of this consolation, I still wished to give him a mark of my + confidence by sending him the ‘Profession of Faith of the Savoyard Vicar’ + before it was published. He was pleased with the work, but did not in his + answer seem so fully to expect from it the effect of which I had but + little doubt. He wished to receive from me some fragment which I had not + given to anybody else. I sent him the funeral oration of the late Duke of + Orleans; this I had written for the Abbe Darty, who had not pronounced it, + because, contrary to his expectation, another person was appointed to + perform that ceremony. + </p> + <p> + The printing of Emilius, after having been again taken in hand, was + continued and completed without much difficulty; and I remarked this + singularity, that after the curtailings so much insisted upon in the first + two volumes, the last two were passed over without an objection, and their + contents did not delay the publication for a moment. I had, however, some + uneasiness which I must not pass over in silence. After having been afraid + of the Jesuits, I begun to fear the Jansenists and philosophers. An enemy + to party, faction and cabal, I never heard the least good of parties + concerned in them. The gossips had quitted their old abode and taken up + their residence by the side of me, so that in their chamber, everything + said in mine, and upon the terrace, was distinctly heard; and from their + garden it would have been easy to scale the low wall by which it was + separated from my alcove. This was become my study; my table was covered + with proofsheets of Emilius and the Social Contract and stitching these + sheets as they were sent to me, I had all my volumes a long time before + they were published. My negligence and the confidence I had in M. Mathas, + in whose garden I was shut up, frequently made me forget to lock the door + at night, and in the morning I several times found it wide open; this, + however, would not have given me the least inquietude had I not thought my + papers seemed to have been deranged. After having several times made the + same remark, I became more careful, and locked the door. The lock was a + bad one, and the key turned in it no more than half round. As I became + more attentive, I found my papers in a much greater confusion than they + were when I left everything open. At length I missed one of my volumes + without knowing what was become of it until the morning of the third day, + when I again found it upon the table. I never suspected either M. Mathas + or his nephew M. du Moulin, knowing myself to be beloved by both, and my + confidence in them was unbounded. That I had in the gossips began to + diminish. Although they were Jansenists, I knew them to have some + connection with D’ Alembert, and moreover they all three lodged in the + same house. This gave me some uneasiness, and put me more upon my guard. I + removed my papers from the alcove to my chamber, and dropped my + acquaintance with these people, having learned they had shown in several + houses the first volume of ‘Emilius’, which I had been imprudent enough to + lend them. Although they continued until my departure to be my neighbors I + never, after my first suspicions, had the least communication with them. + The ‘Social Contract’ appeared a month or two before ‘Emilius’. Rey, whom + I had desired never secretly to introduce into France any of my books, + applied to the magistrate for leave to send this book by Rouen, to which + place he sent his package by sea. He received no answer, and his bales, + after remaining at Rouen several months, were returned to him, but not + until an attempt had been made to confiscate them; this, probably, would + have been done had not he made a great clamor. Several persons, whose + curiosity the work had excited, sent to Amsterdam for copies, which were + circulated without being much noticed. Maulion, who had heard of this, and + had, I believe, seen the work, spoke to me on the subject with an air of + mystery which surprised me, and would likewise have made me uneasy if, + certain of having conformed to every rule, I had not by virtue of my grand + maxim, kept my mind calm. I moreover had no doubt but M. de Choiseul, + already well disposed towards me, and sensible of the eulogium of his + administration, which my esteem for him had induced me to make in the + work, would support me against the malevolence of Madam de Pompadour. + </p> + <p> + I certainly had then as much reason as ever to hope for the goodness of M. + de Luxembourg, and even for his assistance in case of need; for he never + at any time had given me more frequent and more pointed marks of his + friendship. At the journey of Easter, my melancholy state no longer + permitting me to go to the castle, he never suffered a day to pass without + coming to see me, and at length, perceiving my sufferings to be incessant, + he prevailed upon me to determine to see Friar Come. He immediately sent + for him, came with him, and had the courage, uncommon to a man of his + rank, to remain with me during the operation which was cruel and tedious. + Upon the first examination, Come thought he found a great stone, and told + me so; at the second, he could not find it again. After having made a + third attempt with so much care and circumspection that I thought the time + long, he declared there was no stone, but that the prostate gland was + schirrous and considerably thickened. He besides added, that I had a great + deal to suffer, and should live a long time. Should the second prediction + be as fully accomplished as the first, my sufferings are far from being at + an end. + </p> + <p> + It was thus I learned after having been so many years treated for + disorders which I never had, that my incurable disease, without being + mortal, would last as long as myself. My imagination, repressed by this + information, no longer presented to me in prospective a cruel death in the + agonies of the stone. + </p> + <p> + Delivered from imaginary evils, more cruel to me than those which were + real, I more patiently suffered the latter. It is certain I have since + suffered less from my disorder than I had done before, and every time I + recollect that I owe this alleviation to M. de Luxembourg, his memory + becomes more dear to me. + </p> + <p> + Restored, as I may say, to life, and more than ever occupied with the plan + according to which I was determined to pass the rest of my days, all the + obstacle to the immediate execution of my design was the publication of + ‘Emilius’. I thought of Touraine where I had already been and which + pleased me much, as well on account of the mildness of the climate, as on + that of the character of the inhabitants. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ‘La terra molle lieta a dilettosa + Simile a se l’habitator produce.’ +</pre> + <p> + I had already spoken of my project to M. de Luxembourg, who endeavored to + dissuade me from it; I mentioned it to him a second time as a thing + resolved upon. He then offered me the castle of Merlon, fifteen leagues + from Paris, as an asylum which might be agreeable to me, and where he and + Madam de Luxembourg would have a real pleasure in seeing me settled. The + proposition made a pleasing impression on my mind. But the first thing + necessary was to see the place, and we agreed upon a day when the marechal + was to send his valet de chambre with a carriage to take me to it. On the + day appointed, I was much indisposed; the journey was postponed, and + different circumstances prevented me from ever making it. I have since + learned the estate of Merlou did not belong to the marechal but to his + lady, on which account I was the less sorry I had not gone to live there. + </p> + <p> + ‘Emilius’ was at length given to the public, without my having heard + further of retrenchments or difficulties. Previous to the publication, the + marechal asked me for all the letters M. de Malesherbes had written to me + on the subject of the work. My great confidence in both, and the perfect + security in which I felt myself, prevented me from reflecting upon this + extraordinary and even alarming request. I returned all the letters + excepting one or two which, from inattention, were left between the leaves + of a book. A little time before this, M. de Malesherbes told me he should + withdraw the letters I had written to Duchesne during my alarm relative to + the Jesuits, and, it must be confessed, these letters did no great honor + to my reason. But in my answer I assured him I would not in anything pass + for being better than I was, and that he might leave the letters where + they were. I know not what he resolved upon. + </p> + <p> + The publication of this work was not succeeded by the applause which had + followed that of all my other writings. No work was ever more highly + spoken of in private, nor had any literary production ever had less public + approbation. What was said and written to me upon the subject by persons + most capable of judging, confirmed me in my opinion that it was the best, + as well as the most important of all the works I had produced. But + everything favorable was said with an air of the most extraordinary + mystery, as if there had been a necessity of keeping it a secret. Madam de + Boufflers, who wrote to me that the author of the work merited a statue, + and the homage of mankind, at the end of her letter desired it might be + returned to her. D’Alembert, who in his note said the work gave me a + decided superiority, and ought to place me at the head of men of letters, + did not sign what he wrote, although he had signed every note I had before + received from him. Duclos, a sure friend, a man of veracity, but + circumspect, although he had a good opinion of the work, avoided + mentioning it in his letters to me. La Condomine fell upon the Confession + of Faith, and wandered from the subject. Clairaut confined himself to the + same part; but he was not afraid of expressing to me the emotion which the + reading of it had caused in him, and in the most direct terms wrote to me + that it had warmed his old imagination: of all those to whom I had sent my + book, he was the only person who spoke freely what he thought of it. + </p> + <p> + Mathas, to whom I also had given a copy before the publication, lent it to + M. de Blaire, counsellor in the parliament of Strasbourg. M. de Blaire had + a country-house at St. Gratien, and Mathas, his old acquaintance, + sometimes went to see him there. He made him read Emilius before it was + published. When he returned it to him, M. de Blaire expressed himself in + the following terms, which were repeated to me the same day: “M. Mathas, + this is a very fine work, but it will in a short time be spoken of more + than, for the author, might be wished.” I laughed at the prediction, and + saw in it nothing more than the importance of a man of the robe, who + treats everything with an air of mystery. All the alarming observations + repeated to me made no impression upon my mind, and, far from foreseeing + the catastrophe so near at hand, certain of the utility and excellence of + my work, and that I had in every respect conformed to established rules; + convinced, as I thought I was that I should be supported by all the credit + of M. de Luxembourg and the favor of the ministry, I was satisfied with + myself for the resolution I had taken to retire in the midst of my + triumphs, and at my return to crush those by whom I was envied. + </p> + <p> + One thing in the publication of the work alarmed me, less on account of my + safety than for the unburdening of my mind. At the Hermitage and at + Montmorency I had seen with indignation the vexations which the jealous + care of the pleasures of princes causes to be exercised on wretched + peasants, forced to suffer the havoc made by game in their fields, without + daring to take any other measure to prevent this devastation than that of + making a noise, passing the night amongst the beans and peas, with drums, + kettles and bells, to keep off the wild boars. As I had been a witness to + the barbarous cruelty with which the Comte de Charolois treated these poor + people, I had toward the end of Emilius exclaimed against it. This was + another infraction of my maxims, which has not remained unpunished. I was + informed that the people of the Prince of Conti were but little less + severe upon his estates; I trembled lest that prince, for whom I was + penetrated with respect and gratitude, should take to his own account what + shocked humanity had made me say on that of others, and feel himself + offended. Yet, as my conscience fully acquitted me upon this article, I + made myself easy, and by so doing acted wisely: at least, I have not heard + that this great prince took notice of the passage, which, besides, was + written long before I had the honor of being known to him. + </p> + <p> + A few days either before or after the publication of my work, for I do not + exactly recollect the time, there appeared another work upon the same + subject, taken verbatim from my first volume, except a few stupid things + which were joined to the extract. The book bore the name of a Genevese, + one Balexsert, and, according to the title-page, had gained the premium in + the Academy of Harlem. I easily imagined the academy and the premium to be + newly founded, the better to conceal the plagiarism from the eyes of the + public; but I further perceived there was some prior intrigue which I + could not unravel; either by the lending of my manuscript, without which + the theft could not have been committed, or for the purpose of forging the + story of the pretended premium, to which it was necessary to give some + foundation. It was not until several years afterwards, that by a word + which escaped D’Ivernois, I penetrated the mystery and discovered those by + whom Balexsert had been brought forward. + </p> + <p> + The low murmurings which precede a storm began to be heard, and men of + penetration clearly saw there was something gathering, relative to me and + my book, which would shortly break over my head. For my part my stupidity + was such, that, far from foreseeing my misfortune, I did not suspect even + the cause of it after I had felt its effect. It was artfully given out + that while the Jesuits were treated with severity, no indulgence could be + shown to books nor the authors of them in which religion was attacked. I + was reproached with having put my name to Emilius, as if I had not put it + to all my other works of which nothing was said. Government seemed to fear + it should be obliged to take some steps which circumstances rendered + necessary on account of my imprudence. Rumors to this effect reached my + ears, but gave me not much uneasiness: it never even came into my head, + that there could be the least thing in the whole affair which related to + me personally, so perfectly irreproachable and well supported did I think + myself; having besides conformed to every ministerial regulation, I did + not apprehend Madam de Luxembourg would leave me in difficulties for an + error, which, if it existed, proceeded entirely from herself. But knowing + the manner of proceeding in like cases, and that it was customary to + punish booksellers while authors were favored; I had some uneasiness on + account of poor Duchesne, whom I saw exposed to danger, should M. de + Malesherbes abandon him. + </p> + <p> + My tranquility still continued. Rumors increased and soon changed their + nature. The public, and especially the parliament, seemed irritated by my + composure. In a few days the fermentation became terrible, and the object + of the menaces being changed, these were immediately addressed to me. The + parliamentarians were heard to declare that burning books was of no + effect, the authors also should be burned with them; not a word was said + of the booksellers. The first time these expressions, more worthy of an + inquisitor of Goa than a senator, were related to me, I had no doubt of + their coming from the Holbachiques with an intention to alarm me and drive + me from France. I laughed at their puerile manoeuvre, and said they would, + had they known the real state of things, have thought of some other means + of inspiring me with fear; but the rumor at length became such that I + perceived the matter was serious. M. and Madam de Luxembourg had this year + come to Montmorency in the month of June, which, for their second journey, + was more early than common. I heard but little there of my new books, + notwithstanding the noise they made in Paris; neither the marechal nor his + lady said a single word to me on the subject. However, one morning, when + M. de Luxembourg and I were together, he asked me if, in the ‘Social + Contract’, I had spoken ill of M. de Choiseul. “I?” said I, retreating a + few steps with surprise; “no, I swear to you I have not; but on the + contrary, I have made on him, and with a pen not given to praise, the + finest eulogium a minister ever received.” I then showed him the passage. + “And in Emilius?” replied he. “Not a word,” said I; “there is not in it a + single word which relates to him.”—“Ah!” said he, with more vivacity + than was common to him, “you should have taken the same care in the other + book, or have expressed yourself more clearly!” “I thought,” replied I, + “what I wrote could not be misconstrued; my esteem for him was such as to + make me extremely cautious not to be equivocal.” + </p> + <p> + He was again going to speak; I perceived him ready to open his mind: he + stopped short and held his tongue. Wretched policy of a courtier, which in + the best of hearts, subjugates friendship itself! + </p> + <p> + This conversation although short, explained to me my situation, at least + in certain respects, and gave me to understand that it was against myself + the anger of administration was raised. The unheard of fatality, which + turned to my prejudice all the good I did and wrote, afflicted my heart. + Yet, feeling myself shielded in this affair by Madam de Luxembourg and M. + de Malesherbes, I did not perceive in what my persecutors could deprive me + of their protection. However, I, from that moment was convinced equity and + judgment were no longer in question, and that no pains would be spared in + examining whether or not I was culpable. The storm became still more + menacing. Neaulme himself expressed to me, in the excess of his babbling, + how much he repented having had anything to do in the business, and his + certainty of the fate with which the book and the author were threatened. + One thing, however, alleviated my fears: Madam de Luxembourg was so calm, + satisfied and cheerful, that I concluded she must necessarily be certain + of the sufficiency of her credit, especially if she did not seem to have + the least apprehension on my account; moreover, she said not to me a word + either of consolation or apology, and saw the turn the affair took with as + much unconcern as if she had nothing to do with it or anything else that + related to me. What surprised me most was her silence. I thought she + should have said something on the subject. Madam de Boufflers seemed + rather uneasy. She appeared agitated, strained herself a good deal, + assured me the Prince of Conti was taking great pains to ward off the blow + about to be directed against my person, and which she attributed to the + nature of present circumstances, in which it was of importance to the + parliament not to leave the Jesuits an opening whereby they might bring an + accusation against it as being indifferent with respect to religion. She + did not, however, seem to depend much either upon the success of her own + efforts or even those of the prince. Her conversations, more alarming than + consolatory, all tended to persuade me to leave the kingdom and go to + England, where she offered me an introduction to many of her friends, + amongst others one to the celebrated Hume, with whom she had long been + upon a footing of intimate friendship. Seeing me still unshaken, she had + recourse to other arguments more capable of disturbing my tranquillity. + She intimated that, in case I was arrested and interrogated, I should be + under the necessity of naming Madam de Luxembourg, and that her friendship + for me required, on my part, such precautions as were necessary to prevent + her being exposed. My answer was, that should what she seemed to apprehend + come to pass, she need not be alarmed; that I should do nothing by which + the lady she mentioned might become a sufferer. She said such a resolution + was more easily taken than adhered to, and in this she was right, + especially with respect to me, determined as I always have been neither to + prejudice myself nor lie before judges, whatever danger there might be in + speaking the truth. + </p> + <p> + Perceiving this observation had made some impression upon my mind, without + however inducing me to resolve upon evasion, she spoke of the Bastile for + a few weeks, as a means of placing me beyond the reach of the jurisdiction + of the parliament, which has nothing to do with prisoners of state. I had + no objection to this singular favor, provided it were not solicited in my + name. As she never spoke of it a second time, I afterwards thought her + proposition was made to sound me, and that the party did not think proper + to have recourse to an expedient which would have put an end to + everything. + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards the marechal received from the Cure de Dueil, the + friend of Grimm and Madam d’Epinay, a letter informing him, as from good + authority, that the parliament was to proceed against me with the greatest + severity, and that, on a day which he mentioned, an order was to be given + to arrest me. I imagined this was fabricated by the Holbachiques; I knew + the parliament to be very attentive to forms, and that on this occasion, + beginning by arresting me before it was juridically known I avowed myself + the author of the book was violating them all. I observed to Madam de + Boufflers that none but persons accused of crimes which tend to endanger + the public safety were, on a simple information, ordered to be arrested + lest they should escape punishment. But when government wish to punish a + crime like mine, which merits honor and recompense, the proceedings are + directed against the book, and the author is as much as possible left out + of the question. + </p> + <p> + Upon this she made some subtle distinction, which I have forgotten, to + prove that ordering me to be arrested instead of summoning me to be heard + was a matter of favor. The next day I received a letter from Guy, who + informed me that having in the morning been with the attorney-general, he + had seen in his office a rough draft of a requisition against Emilius and + the author. Guy, it is to be remembered, was the partner of Duchesne, who + had printed the work, and without apprehensions on his own account, + charitably gave this information to the author. The credit I gave to him + maybe judged of. + </p> + <p> + It was, no doubt, a very probable story, that a bookseller, admitted to an + audience by the attorney-general, should read at ease scattered rough + drafts in the office of that magistrate! Madam de Boufflers and others + confirmed what he had said. By the absurdities which were incessantly rung + in my ears, I was almost tempted to believe that everybody I heard speak + had lost their senses. + </p> + <p> + Clearly perceiving that there was some mystery, which no one thought + proper to explain to me, I patiently awaited the event, depending upon my + integrity and innocence, and thinking myself happy, let the persecution + which awaited me be what it would, to be called to the honor of suffering + in the cause of truth. Far from being afraid and concealing myself, I went + every day to the castle, and in the afternoon took my usual walk. On the + eighth of June, the evening before the order was concluded on, I walked in + company with two professors of the oratory, Father Alamanni and Father + Mandard. We carried to Champeaux a little collation, which we ate with a + keen appetite. We had forgotten to bring glasses, and supplied the want of + them by stalks of rye, through which we sucked up the wine from the + bottle, piquing ourselves upon the choice of large tubes to vie with each + other in pumping up what we drank. I never was more cheerful in my life. + </p> + <p> + I have related in what manner I lost my sleep during my youth. I had since + that time contracted a habit of reading every night in my bed, until I + found my eyes begin to grow heavy. I then extinguished my wax taper, and + endeavored to slumber for a few moments, which were in general very short. + The book I commonly read at night was the Bible, which, in this manner I + read five or six times from the beginning to the end. This evening, + finding myself less disposed to sleep than ordinary, I continued my + reading beyond the usual hour, and read the whole book which finishes at + the Levite of Ephraim, the Book of judges, if I mistake not, for since + that time I have never once seen it. This history affected me exceedingly, + and, in a kind of a dream, my imagination still ran on it, when suddenly I + was roused from my stupor by a noise and light. Theresa carrying a candle, + lighted M. la Roche, who perceiving me hastily raise myself up, said: “Do + not be alarmed; I come from Madam de Luxembourg, who, in her letter + incloses you another from the Prince of Conti.” In fact, in the letter of + Madam de Luxembourg I found another, which an express from the prince had + brought her, stating that, notwithstanding all his efforts, it was + determined to proceed against me with the utmost rigor. “The + fermentation,” said he, “is extreme; nothing can ward off the blow; the + court requires it, and the parliament will absolutely proceed; at seven + o’clock in the morning an order will be made to arrest him, and persons + will immediately be sent to execute it. I have obtained a promise that he + shall not be pursued if he makes his escape; but if he persists in + exposing himself to be taken this will immediately happen.” La Roche + conjured me in behalf of Madam de Luxembourg to rise and go and speak to + her. It was two o’clock and she had just retired to bed. “She expects + you,” added he, “and will not go to sleep without speaking to you.” I + dressed myself in haste and ran to her. + </p> + <p> + She appeared to be agitated; this was for the first time. Her distress + affected me. In this moment of surprise and in the night, I myself was not + free from emotion; but on seeing her I forgot my own situation, and + thought of nothing but the melancholy part she would have to act should I + suffer myself to be arrested; for feeling I had sufficient courage + strictly to adhere to truth, although I might be certain of its being + prejudicial or even destructive to me, I was convinced I had not presence + of mind, address, nor perhaps firmness enough, not to expose her should I + be closely pressed. This determined me to sacrifice my reputation to her + tranquillity, and to do for her that which nothing could have prevailed + upon me to do for myself. The moment I had come to this resolution, I + declared it, wishing not to diminish the magnitude of the sacrifice by + giving her the least trouble to obtain it. I am sure she could not mistake + my motive, although she said not a word, which proved to me she was + sensible of it. I was so much shocked at her indifference that I, for a + moment, thought of retracting; but the marechal came in, and Madam de + Boufflers arrived from Paris a few moments afterwards. They did what Madam + de Luxembourg ought to have done. I suffered myself to be flattered; I was + ashamed to retract; and the only thing that remained to be determined upon + was the place of my retreat and the time of my departure. M. de Luxembourg + proposed to me to remain incognito a few days at the castle, that we might + deliberate at leisure, and take such measures as should seem most proper; + to this I would not consent, no more than to go secretly to the temple. I + was determined to set off the same day rather than remain concealed in any + place whatever. + </p> + <p> + Knowing I had secret and powerful enemies in the kingdom, I thought, + notwithstanding my attachment to France, I ought to quit it, the better to + insure my future tranquillity. My first intention was to retire to Geneva, + but a moment of reflection was sufficient to dissuade me from committing + that act of folly; I knew the ministry of France, more powerful at Geneva + than at Paris, would not leave me more at peace in one of these cities + than in the other, were a resolution taken to torment me. I was also + convinced the ‘Discourse upon Inequality’ had excited against me in the + council a hatred the more dangerous as the council dared not make it + manifest. I had also learned, that when the New Eloisa appeared, the same + council had immediately forbidden the sale of that work, upon the + solicitation of Doctor Tronchin; but perceiving the example not to be + imitated, even in Paris, the members were ashamed of what they had done, + and withdrew the prohibition. + </p> + <p> + I had no doubt that, finding in the present case a more favorable + opportunity, they would be very careful to take advantage of it. + Notwithstanding exterior appearances, I knew there reigned against me in + the heart of every Genevese a secret jealousy, which, in the first + favorable moment, would publicly show itself. Nevertheless, the love of my + country called me to it, and could I have flattered myself I should there + have lived in peace, I should not have hesitated; but neither honor nor + reason permitting me to take refuge as a fugitive in a place of which I + was a citizen, I resolved to approach it only, and to wait in Switzerland + until something relative to me should be determined upon in Geneva. This + state of uncertainty did not, as it will soon appear, continue long. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Boufflers highly disapproved this resolution, and renewed her + efforts to induce me to go to England, but all she could say was of no + effect; I had never loved England nor the English, and the eloquence of + Madam de Boufflers, far from conquering my repugnancy, seemed to increase + it without my knowing why. Determined to set off the same day, I was from + the morning inaccessible to everybody, and La Roche, whom I sent to fetch + my papers, would not tell Theresa whether or not I was gone. Since I had + determined to write my own memoirs, I had collected a great number of + letters and other papers, so that he was obliged to return several times. + A part of these papers, already selected, were laid aside, and I employed + the morning in sorting the rest, that I might take with me such only as + were necessary and destroy what remained. M. de Luxembourg was kind enough + to assist me in this business, which we could not finish before it was + necessary I should set off, and I had not time to burn a single paper. The + marechal offered to take upon himself to sort what I should leave behind + me, and throw into the fire every sheet that he found useless, without + trusting to any person whomsoever, and to send me those of which he should + make choice. I accepted his offer, very glad to be delivered from that + care, that I might pass the few hours I had to remain with persons so dear + to me, from whom I was going to separate forever. He took the key of the + chamber in which I had left these papers; and, at my earnest solicitation, + sent for my poor aunt, who, not knowing what had become of me, or what was + to become of herself, and in momentary expectation of the arrival of the + officers of justice, without knowing how to act or what to answer them, + was miserable to an extreme. La Roche accompanied her to the castle in + silence; she thought I was already far from Montmorency; on perceiving me, + she made the place resound with her cries, and threw herself into my arms. + Oh, friendship, affinity of sentiment, habit and intimacy. In this + pleasing yet cruel moment, the remembrance of so many days of happiness, + tenderness and peace passed together augmented the grief of a first + separation after an union of seventeen years during which we had scarcely + lost sight of each other for a single day. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/0248.jpg" alt="0248 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/0248.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> + </h5> + <p> + The marechal, who saw this embrace, could not suppress his tears. He + withdrew. Theresa determined never more to leave me out of her sight. I + made her feel the inconvenience of accompanying me at that moment, and the + necessity of her remaining to take care of my effects and collect my + money. When an order is made to arrest a man, it is customary to seize his + papers and put a seal upon his effects, or to make an inventory of them + and appoint a guardian to whose care they are intrusted. It was necessary + Theresa should remain to observe what passed, and get everything settled + in the most advantageous manner possible. I promised her she should + shortly come to me; the marechal confirmed my promise; but I did not + choose to tell her to what place I was going, that, in case of being + interrogated by the persons who came to take me into custody, she might + with truth plead ignorance upon that head. In embracing her the moment + before we separated I felt within me a most extraordinary emotion, and I + said to her with an agitation which, alas! was but too prophetic: “My dear + girl, you must arm yourself with courage. You have partaken of my + prosperity; it now remains to you, since you have chosen it, to partake of + my misery. Expect nothing in future but insult and calamity in following + me. The destiny begun for me by this melancholy day will pursue me until + my latest hour.” + </p> + <p> + I had now nothing to think of but my departure. The officers were to + arrive at ten o’clock. It was four in the afternoon when I set off, and + they were not yet come. It was determined I should take post. I had no + carriage, The marechal made me a present of a cabriolet, and lent me + horses and a postillion the first stage, where, in consequence of the + measures he had taken, I had no difficulty in procuring others. + </p> + <p> + As I had not dined at table, nor made my appearance in the castle, the + ladies came to bid me adieu in the entresol where I had passed the day. + Madam de Luxembourg embraced me several times with a melancholy air; but I + did not in these embraces feel the pressing I had done in those she had + lavished upon me two or three years before. Madam de Boufflers also + embraced me, and said to me many civil things. An embrace which surprised + me more than all the rest had done was one from Madam de Mirepoix, for she + also was at the castle. Madam la Marechale de Mirepoix is a person + extremely cold, decent, and reserved, and did not, at least as she + appeared to me, seem quite exempt from the natural haughtiness of the + house of Lorraine. She had never shown me much attention. Whether, + flattered by an honor I had not expected, I endeavored to enhance the + value of it; or that there really was in the embrace a little of that + commiseration natural to generous hearts, I found in her manner and look + something energetical which penetrated me. I have since that time + frequently thought that, acquainted with my destiny, she could not refrain + from a momentary concern for my fate. + </p> + <p> + The marechal did not open his mouth; he was as pale as death. He would + absolutely accompany me to the carriage which waited at the watering + place. We crossed the garden without uttering a single word. I had a key + of the park with which I opened the gate, and instead of putting it again + into my pocket, I held it out to the marechal without saying a word. He + took it with a vivacity which surprised me, and which has since frequently + intruded itself upon my thoughts. + </p> + <p> + I have not in my whole life had a more bitter moment than that of this + separation. Our embrace was long and silent: we both felt that this was + our last adieu. + </p> + <p> + Between Barre and Montmorency I met, in a hired carriage, four men in + black, who saluted me smilingly. According to what Theresa has since told + me of the officers of justice, the hour of their arrival and their manner + of behavior, I have no doubt, that they were the persons I met, especially + as the order to arrest me, instead of being made out at seven o’clock, as + I had been told it would, had not been given till noon. I had to go + through Paris. A person in a cabriolet is not much concealed. I saw + several persons in the streets who saluted me with an air of familiarity + but I did not know one of them. The same evening I changed my route to + pass Villeroy. At Lyons the couriers were conducted to the commandant. + This might have been embarrassing to a man unwilling either to lie or + change his name. I went with a letter from Madam de Luxembourg to beg M. + de Villeroy would spare me this disagreeable ceremony. M. de Villeroy gave + me a letter of which I made no use, because I did not go through Lyons. + This letter still remains sealed up amongst my papers. The duke pressed me + to sleep at Villeroy, but I preferred returning to the great road, which I + did, and travelled two more stages the same evening. + </p> + <p> + My carriage was inconvenient and uncomfortable, and I was too much + indisposed to go far in a day. My appearance besides was not sufficiently + distinguished for me to be well served, and in France post-horses feel the + whip in proportion to the favorable opinion the postillion has of his + temporary master. By paying the guides generously thought I should make up + for my shabby appearance: this was still worse. They took me for a + worthless fellow who was carrying orders, and, for the first time in my + life, travelling post. From that moment I had nothing but worn-out hacks, + and I became the sport of the postillions. I ended as I should have begun + by being patient, holding my tongue, and suffering myself to be driven as + my conductors thought proper. + </p> + <p> + I had sufficient matter of reflection to prevent me from being weary on + the road, employing myself in the recollection of that which had just + happened; but this was neither my turn of mind nor the inclination of my + heart. The facility with which I forget past evils, however recent they + may be, is astonishing. The remembrance of them becomes feeble, and, + sooner or later, effaced, in the inverse proportion to the greater degree + of fear with which the approach of them inspires me. My cruel imagination, + incessantly tormented by the apprehension of evils still at a distance, + diverts my attention, and prevents me from recollecting those which are + past. Caution is needless after the evil has happened, and it is time lost + to give it a thought. I, in some measure, put a period to my misfortunes + before they happen: the more I have suffered at their approach the greater + is the facility with which I forget them; whilst, on the contrary, + incessantly recollecting my past happiness, I, if I may so speak, enjoy it + a second time at pleasure. It is to this happy disposition I am indebted + for an exemption from that ill humor which ferments in a vindictive mind, + by the continual remembrance of injuries received, and torments it with + all the evil it wishes to do its enemy. Naturally choleric, I have felt + all the force of anger, which in the first moments has sometimes been + carried to fury, but a desire of vengeance never took root within me. I + think too little of the offence to give myself much trouble about the + offender. I think of the injury I have received from him on account of + that he may do me a second time, but were I certain he would never do me + another the first would be instantly forgotten. Pardon of offences is + continually preached to us. I knew not whether or not my heart would be + capable of overcoming its hatred, for it never yet felt that passion, and + I give myself too little concern about my enemies to have the merit of + pardoning them. I will not say to what a degree, in order to torment me, + they torment themselves. I am at their mercy, they have unbounded power, + and make of it what use they please. There is but one thing in which I set + them at defiance: which is in tormenting themselves about me, to force me + to give myself the least trouble about them. + </p> + <p> + The day after my departure I had so perfectly forgotten what had passed, + the parliament, Madam de Pompadour, M. de Choiseul, Grimm, and D’Alembert, + with their conspiracies, that had not it been for the necessary + precautions during the journey I should have thought no more of them. The + remembrance of one thing which supplied the place of all these was what I + had read the evening before my departure. I recollect, also, the pastorals + of Gessner, which his translator Hubert had sent me a little time before. + These two ideas occurred to me so strongly, and were connected in such a + manner in my mind, that I was determined to endeavor to unite them by + treating after the manner of Gessner, the subject of the Levite of + Ephraim. His pastoral and simple style appeared to me but little fitted to + so horrid a subject, and it was not to be presumed the situation I was + then in would furnish me with such ideas as would enliven it. However, I + attempted the thing, solely to amuse myself in my cabriolet, and without + the least hope of success. I had no sooner begun than I was astonished at + the liveliness of my ideas, and the facility with which I expressed them. + In three days I composed the first three cantos of the little poem I + finished at Motiers, and I am certain of not having done anything in my + life in which there is a more interesting mildness of manners, a greater + brilliancy of coloring, more simple delineations, greater exactness of + proportion, or more antique simplicity in general, notwithstanding the + horror of the subject which in itself is abominable, so that besides every + other merit I had still that of a difficulty conquered. If the Levite of + Ephraim be not the best of my works, it will ever be that most esteemed. I + have never read, nor shall I ever read it again without feeling interiorly + the applause of a heart without acrimony, which, far from being embittered + by misfortunes, is susceptible of consolation in the midst of them, and + finds within itself a resource by which they are counterbalanced. Assemble + the great philosophers, so superior in their books to adversity which they + do not suffer, place them in a situation similar to mine, and, in the + first moments of the indignation of their injured honor, give them a like + work to compose, and it will be seen in what manner they will acquit + themselves of the task. + </p> + <p> + When I set off from Montmorency to go into Switzerland, I had resolved to + stop at Yverdon, at the house of my old friend Roguin, who had several + years before retired to that place, and had invited me to go and see him. + I was told Lyons was not the direct road, for which reason I avoided going + through it. But I was obliged to pass through Besancon, a fortified town, + and consequently subject to the same inconvenience. I took it into my head + to turn about and to go to Salins, under the pretense of going to see M. + de Marian, the nephew of M. Dupin, who had an employment at the + salt-works, and formerly had given me many invitations to his house. The + expedition succeeded: M. de Marian was not in the way, and, happily, not + being obliged to stop, I continued my journey without being spoken to by + anybody. + </p> + <p> + The moment I was within the territory of Berne, I ordered the postillion + to stop; I got out of my carriage, prostrated myself, kissed the ground, + and exclaimed in a transport of joy: “Heaven, the protector of virtue be + praised, I touch a land of liberty!” Thus blind and unsuspecting in my + hopes, have I ever been passionately attached to that which was to make me + unhappy. The man thought me mad. I got into the carriage, and a few hours + afterwards I had the pure and lively satisfaction of feeling myself + pressed within the arms of the respectable Rougin. Ah! let me breathe for + a moment with this worthy host! It is necessary I should gain strength and + courage before I proceed further. I shall soon find that in my way which + will give employment to them both. It is not without reason that I have + been diffuse in the recital of all the circumstances I have been able to + recollect. Although they may seem uninteresting, yet, when once the thread + of the conspiracy is got hold of, they may throw some light upon the + progress of it; and, for instance, without giving the first idea of the + problem I am going to propose, afford some aid in solving it. + </p> + <p> + Suppose that, for the execution of the conspiracy of which I was the + object, my absence was absolutely necessary, everything tending to that + effect could not have happened otherwise than it did; but if without + suffering myself to be alarmed by the nocturnal embassy of Madam de + Luxembourg, I had continued to hold out, and, instead of remaining at the + castle, had returned to my bed and quietly slept until morning, should I + have equally had an order of arrest made out against me? This is a great + question upon which the solution of many others depends, and for the + examination of it, the hour of the comminatory decree of arrest, and that + of the real decree may be remarked to advantage. A rude but sensible + example of the importance of the least detail in the exposition of facts, + of which the secret causes are sought for to discover them by induction. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK XII. + </h2> + <p class="pfirst"> + <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>ith this book + begins the work of darkness, in which I have for the last eight years been + enveloped, though it has not by any means been possible for me to + penetrate the dreadful obscurity. In the abyss of evil into which I am + plunged, I feel the blows reach me, without perceiving the hand by which + they are directed or the means it employs. Shame and misfortune seem of + themselves to fall upon me. When in the affliction of my heart I suffer a + groan to escape me, I have the appearance of a man who complains without + reason, and the authors of my ruin have the inconceivable art of rendering + the public, unknown to itself, or without its perceiving the effects of + it, accomplice in their conspiracy. Therefore, in my narrative of + circumstances relative to myself, of the treatment I have received, and + all that has happened to me, I shall not be able to indicate the hand by + which the whole has been directed, nor assign the causes, while I state + the effect. The primitive causes are all given in the preceding books; and + everything in which I am interested, and all the secret motives pointed + out. But it is impossible for me to explain, even by conjecture, that in + which the different causes are combined to operate the strange events of + my life. If amongst my readers one even of them should be generous enough + to wish to examine the mystery to the bottom, and discover the truth, let + him carefully read over a second time the three preceding books, + afterwards at each fact he shall find stated in the books which follow, + let him gain such information as is within his reach, and go back from + intrigue to intrigue, and from agent to agent, until he comes to the first + mover of all. I know where his researches will terminate; but in the + meantime I lose myself in the crooked and obscure subterraneous path + through which his steps must be directed. + </p> + <p> + During my stay at Yverdon, I became acquainted with all the family of my + friend Roguin, and amongst others with his niece, Madam Boy de la Tour, + and her daughters, whose father, as I think I have already observed, I + formerly knew at Lyons. She was at Yverdon, upon a visit to her uncle and + his sister; her eldest daughter, about fifteen years of age, delighted me + by her fine understanding and excellent disposition. I conceived the most + tender friendship for the mother and the daughter. The latter was destined + by M. Rougin to the colonel, his nephew, a man already verging towards the + decline of life, and who showed me marks of great esteem and affection; + but although the heart of the uncle was set upon this marriage, which was + much wished for by the nephew also, and I was greatly desirous to promote + the satisfaction of both, the great disproportion of age, and the extreme + repugnancy of the young lady, made me join with the mother in postponing + the ceremony, and the affair was at length broken off. The colonel has + since married Mademoiselle Dillan, his relation, beautiful, and amiable as + my heart could wish, and who has made him the happiest of husbands and + fathers. However, M. Rougin has not yet forgotten my opposition to his + wishes. My consolation is in the certainty of having discharged to him, + and his family, the duty of the most pure friendship, which does not + always consist in being agreeable, but in advising for the best. + </p> + <p> + I did not remain long in doubt about the reception which awaited me at + Geneva, had I chosen to return to that city. My book was burned there, and + on the 18th of June, nine days after an order to arrest me had been given + at Paris, another to the same effect was determined upon by the republic. + So many incredible absurdities were stated in this second decree, in which + the ecclesiastical edict was formally violated, that I refused to believe + the first accounts I heard of it, and when these were well confirmed, I + trembled lest so manifest an infraction of every law, beginning with that + of common-sense, should create the greatest confusion in the city. I was, + however, relieved from my fears; everything remained quiet. If there was + any rumor amongst the populace, it was unfavorable to me, and I was + publicly treated by all the gossips and pedants like a scholar threatened + with a flogging for not having said his catechism. + </p> + <p> + These two decrees were the signal for the cry of malediction, raised + against me with unexampled fury in every part of Europe. All the gazettes, + journals and pamphlets, rang the alarm-bell. The French especially, that + mild, generous, and polished people, who so much pique themselves upon + their attention and proper condescension to the unfortunate, instantly + forgetting their favorite virtues, signalized themselves by the number and + violence of the outrages with which, while each seemed to strive who + should afflict me most, they overwhelmed me. I was impious, an atheist, a + madman, a wild beast, a wolf. The continuator of the Journal of Trevoux + was guilty of a piece of extravagance in attacking my pretended + Lycanthropy, which was by no means proof of his own. A stranger would have + thought an author in Paris was afraid of incurring the animadversion of + the police, by publishing a work of any kind without cramming into it some + insult to me. I sought in vain the cause of this unanimous animosity, and + was almost tempted to believe the world was gone mad. What! said I to + myself, the editor of the ‘Perpetual Peace’, spread discord; the author of + the ‘Confession of the Savoyard Vicar’, impious; the writer of the ‘New + Eloisa’, a wolf; the author of ‘Emilius’, a madman! Gracious God! what + then should I have been had I published the treatise of ‘Esprit’, or any + similar work? And yet, in the storm raised against the author of that + book, the public, far from joining the cry of his persecutors, revenged + him of them by eulogium. Let his book and mine, the receptions the two + works met with, and the treatment of the two authors in the different + countries of Europe, be compared; and for the difference let causes + satisfactory to a man of sense be found, and I will ask no more. + </p> + <p> + I found the residence of Yverdon so agreeable that I resolved to yield to + the solicitations of M. Roguin and his family, who, were desirous of + keeping me there. M. de Moiry de Gingins, bailiff of that city, encouraged + me by his goodness to remain within his jurisdiction. The colonel pressed + me so much to accept for my habitation a little pavilion he had in his + house between the court and the garden, that I complied with his request, + and he immediately furnished it with everything necessary for my little + household establishment. The banneret Roguin, one of the persons who + showed me the most assiduous attention, did not leave me for an instant + during the whole day. I was much flattered by his civilities, but they + sometimes importuned me. The day on which I was to take possession of my + new habitation was already fixed, and I had written to Theresa to come to + me, when suddenly a storm was raised against me in Berne, which was + attributed to the devotees, but I have never been able to learn the cause + of it. The senate, excited against me, without my knowing by whom, did not + seem disposed to suffer me to remain undisturbed in my retreat. The moment + the bailiff was informed of the new fermentation, he wrote in my favor to + several of the members of the government, reproaching them with their + blind intolerance, and telling them it was shameful to refuse to a man of + merit, under oppression, the asylum which such a numerous banditti found + in their states. Sensible people were of opinion the warmth of his + reproaches had rather embittered than softened the minds of the + magistrates. However this may be, neither his influence nor eloquence + could ward off the blow. Having received an intimation of the order he was + to signify to me, he gave me a previous communication of it; and that I + might wait its arrival, I resolved to set off the next day. The difficulty + was to know where to go, finding myself shut out from Geneva and all + France, and foreseeing that in the affair each state would be anxious to + imitate its neighbor. + </p> + <p> + Madam Boy de la Tour proposed to me to go and reside in an uninhabited but + completely furnished house, which belonged to her son in the village of + Motiers, in the Val de Travers, in the county of Neuchatel. I had only a + mountain to cross to arrive at it. The offer came the more opportunely, as + in the states of the King of Prussia I should naturally be sheltered from + all persecution, at least religion could not serve as a pretext for it. + But a secret difficulty: improper for me at that moment to divulge, had in + it that which was very sufficient to make me hesitate. The innnate love of + justice, to which my heart was constantly subject, added to my secret + inclination to France, had inspired me with an aversion to the King of + Prussia, who by his maxims and conduct, seemed to tread under foot all + respect for natural law and every duty of humanity. Amongst the framed + engravings, with which I had decorated my alcove at Montmorency, was a + portrait of this prince, and under it a distich, the last line of which + was as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Il pense en philosophe, et se conduit en roi. + + [He thinks like a philosopher, and acts like a king.] +</pre> + <p> + This verse, which from any other pen would have been a fine eulogium, from + mine had an unequivocal meaning, and too clearly explained the verse by + which it was preceded. The distich had been, read by everybody who came to + see me, and my visitors were numerous. The Chevalier de Lorenzy had even + written it down to give it to D’Alembert, and I had no doubt but D’ + Alembert had taken care to make my court with it to the prince. I had also + aggravated this first fault by a passage in ‘Emilius’, where under the + name of Adrastus, king of the Daunians, it was clearly seen whom I had in + view, and the remark had not escaped critics, because Madam de Boufflers + had several times mentioned the subject to me. I was, therefore, certain + of being inscribed in red ink in the registers of the King of Prussia, and + besides, supposing his majesty to have the principles I had dared to + attribute to him, he, for that reason, could not but be displeased with my + writings and their author; for everybody knows the worthless part of + mankind, and tyrants have never failed to conceive the most mortal hatred + against me, solely on reading my works, without being acquainted with my + person. + </p> + <p> + However, I had presumption enough to depend upon his mercy, and was far + from thinking I ran much risk. I knew none but weak men were slaves to the + base passions, and that these had but little power over strong minds, such + as I had always thought his to be. According to his art of reigning, I + thought he could not but show himself magnanimous on this occasion, and + that being so in fact was not above his character. I thought a mean and + easy vengeance would not for a moment counterbalance his love of glory, + and putting myself in his place, his taking advantage of circumstances to + overwhelm with the weight of his generosity a man who had dared to think + ill of him, did not appear to me impossible. I therefore went to settle at + Motiers, with a confidence of which I imagined he would feel all the + value, and said to myself: When Jean Jacques rises to the elevation of + Coriolanus, will Frederick sink below the General of the Volsci? + </p> + <p> + Colonel Roguin insisted on crossing the mountain with me, and installing + me at Moiters. A sister-in-law to Madam Boy de la Tour, named Madam + Girardier, to whom the house in which I was going to live was very + convenient, did not see me arrive there with pleasure; however, she with a + good grace put me in possession of my lodgings, and I ate with her until + Theresa came, and my little establishment was formed. + </p> + <p> + Perceiving at my departure from Montmorency I should in future be a + fugitive upon the earth, I hesitated about permitting her to come to me + and partake of the wandering life to which I saw myself condemned. I felt + the nature of our relation to each other was about to change, and that + what until then had on my part been favor and friendship, would in future + become so on hers. If her attachment was proof against my misfortunes, to + this I knew she must become a victim, and that her grief would add to my + pain. Should my disgrace weaken her affections, she would make me consider + her constancy as a sacrifice, and instead of feeling the pleasure I had in + dividing with her my last morsel of bread, she would see nothing but her + own merit in following me wherever I was driven by fate. + </p> + <p> + I must say everything; I have never concealed the vices either of my poor + mamma or myself; I cannot be more favorable to Theresa, and whatever + pleasure I may have in doing honor to a person who is dear to me, I will + not disguise the truth, although it may discover in her an error, if an + involuntary change of the affections of the heart be one. I had long + perceived hers to grow cooler towards me, and that she was no longer for + me what she had been in our younger days. Of this I was the more sensible, + as for her I was what I had always been. I fell into the same + inconvenience as that of which I had felt the effect with mamma, and this + effect was the same now I was with Theresa. Let us not seek for + perfection, which nature never produces; it would be the same thing with + any other woman. The manner in which I had disposed of my children, + however reasonable it had appeared to me, had not always left my heart at + ease. While writing my ‘Treatise on Education’, I felt I had neglected + duties with which it was not possible to dispense. Remorse at length + became so strong that it almost forced from me a public confession of my + fault at the beginning of my ‘Emilius’, and the passage is so clear, that + it is astonishing any person should, after reading it, have had the + courage to reproach me with my error. My situation was however still the + same, or something worse, by the animosity of my enemies, who sought to + find me in a fault. I feared a relapse, and unwilling to run the risk, I + preferred abstinence to exposing Theresa to a similar mortification. I had + besides remarked that a connection with women was prejudicial to my + health; this double reason made me form resolutions to which I had but + sometimes badly kept, but for the last three or four years I had more + constantly adhered to them. It was in this interval I had remarked + Theresa’s coolness; she had the same attachment to me from duty, but not + the least from love. Our intercourse naturally became less agreeable, and + I imagined that, certain of the continuation of my cares wherever she + might be, she would choose to stay at Paris rather than to wander with me. + Yet she had given such signs of grief at our parting, had required of me + such positive promises that we should meet again, and, since my departure, + had expressed to the Prince de Conti and M. de Luxembourg so strong a + desire of it, that, far from having the courage to speak to her of + separation, I scarcely had enough to think of it myself; and after having + felt in my heart how impossible it was for me to do without her, all I + thought of afterwards was to recall her to me as soon as possible. I wrote + to her to this effect, and she came. It was scarcely two months since I + had quitted her; but it was our first separation after a union of so many + years. We had both of us felt it most cruelly. What emotion in our first + embrace! O how delightful are the tears of tenderness and joy! How does my + heart drink them up! Why have I not had reason to shed them more + frequently? + </p> + <p> + On my arrival at Motiers I had written to Lord Keith, marshal of Scotland + and governor of Neuchatel, informing him of my retreat into the states of + his Prussian majesty, and requesting of him his protection. He answered me + with his well-known generosity, and in the manner I had expected from him. + He invited me to his house. I went with M. Martinet, lord of the manor of + Val de Travers, who was in great favor with his excellency. The venerable + appearance of this illustrious and virtuous Scotchman powerfully affected + my heart, and from that instant began between him and me the strong + attachment, which on my part still remains the same, and would be so on + his, had not the traitors, who have deprived me of all the consolation of + life, taken advantage of my absence to deceive his old age and depreciate + me in his esteem. + </p> + <p> + George Keith, hereditary marshal of Scotland, and brother to the famous + General Keith, who lived gloriously and died in the bed of honor, had + quitted his country at a very early age, and was proscribed on account of + his attachment to the house of Stuart. With that house, however, he soon + became disgusted with the unjust and tyrannical spirit he remarked in the + ruling character of the Stuart family. He lived a long time in Spain, the + climate of which pleased him exceedingly, and at length attached himself, + as his brother had done, to the service of the King of Prussia, who knew + men and gave them the reception they merited. His majesty received a great + return for this reception, in the services rendered him by Marshal Keith, + and by what was infinitely more precious, the sincere friendship of his + lordship. The great mind of this worthy man, haughty and republican, could + stoop to no other yoke than that of friendship, but to this it was so + obedient, that with very different maxims he saw nothing but Frederic the + moment he became attached to him. The king charged the marshal with + affairs of importance, sent him to Paris, to Spain, and at length, seeing + he was already advanced in years, let him retire with the government of + Neuchatel, and the delightful employment of passing there the remainder of + his life in rendering the inhabitants happy. + </p> + <p> + The people of Neuchatel, whose manners are trivial, know not how to + distinguish solid merit, and suppose wit to consist in long discourses. + When they saw a sedate man of simple manners appear amongst them, they + mistook his simplicity for haughtiness, his candor for rusticity, his + laconism for stupidity, and rejected his benevolent cares, because, + wishing to be useful, and not being a sycophant, he knew not how to + flatter people he did not esteem. In the ridiculous affair of the minister + Petitpierre, who was displaced by his colleagues, for having been + unwilling they should be eternally damned, my lord, opposing the + usurpations of the ministers, saw the whole country of which he took the + part, rise up against him, and when I arrived there the stupid murmur had + not entirely subsided. He passed for a man influenced by the prejudices + with which he was inspired by others, and of all the imputations brought + against him it was the most devoid of truth. My first sentiment on seeing + this venerable old man, was that of tender commiseration, on account of + his extreme leanness of body, years having already left him little else + but skin and bone; but when I raised my eyes to his animated, open, noble + countenance, I felt a respect, mingled with confidence, which absorbed + every other sentiment. He answered the very short compliment I made him + when I first came into his presence by speaking of something else, as if I + had already been a week in his house. He did not bid us sit down. The + stupid chatelain, the lord of the manor, remained standing. For my part I + at first sight saw in the fine and piercing eye of his lordship something + so conciliating that, feeling myself entirely at ease, I without ceremony, + took my seat by his side upon the sofa. By the familiarity of his manner I + immediately perceived the liberty I took gave him pleasure, and that he + said to himself: This is not a Neuchatelois. + </p> + <p> + Singular effect of the similarity of characters! At an age when the heart + loses its natural warmth, that of this good old man grew warm by his + attachment to me to a degree which surprised everybody. He came to see me + at Motiers under the pretence of quail shooting, and stayed there two days + without touching a gun. We conceived such a friendship for each other that + we knew not how to live separate; the castle of Colombier, where he passed + the summer, was six leagues from Motiers; I went there at least once a + fortnight, and made a stay of twenty-four hours, and then returned like a + pilgrim with my heart full of affection for my host. The emotion I had + formerly experienced in my journeys from the Hermitage to Eaubonne was + certainly very different, but it was not more pleasing than that with + which I approached Columbier. + </p> + <p> + What tears of tenderness have I shed when on the road to it, while + thinking of the paternal goodness, amiable virtues, and charming + philosophy of this respectable old man! I called him father, and he called + me son. These affectionate names give, in some measure, an idea of the + attachment by which we were united, but by no means that of the want we + felt of each other, nor of our continual desire to be together. He would + absolutely give me an apartment at the castle of Columbier, and for a long + time pressed me to take up my residence in that in which I lodged during + my visits. I at length told him I was more free and at my ease in my own + house, and that I had rather continue until the end of my life to come and + see him. He approved of my candor, and never afterwards spoke to me on the + subject. Oh, my good lord! Oh, my worthy father! How is my heart still + moved when I think of your goodness? Ah, barbarous wretches! how deeply + did they wound me when they deprived me of your friendship? But no, great + man, you are and ever will be the same for me, who am still the same. You + have been deceived, but you are not changed. My lord marechal is not + without faults; he is a man of wisdom, but he is still a man. With the + greatest penetration, the nicest discrimination, and the most profound + knowledge of men, he sometimes suffers himself to be deceived, and never + recovers his error. His temper is very singular and foreign to his general + turn of mind. He seems to forget the people he sees every day, and thinks + of them in a moment when they least expect it; his attention seems + ill-timed; his presents are dictated by caprice and not by propriety. He + gives or sends in an instant whatever comes into his head, be the value of + it ever so small. A young Genevese, desirous of entering into the service + of Prussia, made a personal application to him; his lordship, instead of + giving him a letter, gave him a little bag of peas, which he desired him + to carry to the king. On receiving this singular recommendation his + majesty gave a commission to the bearer of it. These elevated geniuses + have between themselves a language which the vulgar will never understand. + The whimsical manner of my lord marechal, something like the caprice of a + fine woman, rendered him still more interesting to me. I was certain, and + afterwards had proofs, that it had not the least influence over his + sentiments, nor did it affect the cares prescribed by friendship on + serious occasions, yet in his manner of obliging there is the same + singularity as in his manners in general. Of this I will give one instance + relative to a matter of no great importance. The journey from Motiers to + Colombier being too long for me to perform in one day, I commonly divided + it by setting off after dinner and sleeping at Brot, which is half way. + The landlord of the house where I stopped, named Sandoz, having to solicit + at Berlin a favor of importance to him, begged I would request his + excellency to ask it in his behalf. “Most willingly,” said I, and took him + with me. I left him in the antechamber, and mentioned the matter to his + lordship, who returned me no answer. After passing with him the whole + morning, I saw as I crossed the hall to go to dinner, poor Sandoz, who was + fatigued to death with waiting. Thinking the governor had forgotten what I + had said to him, I again spoke of the business before we sat down to + table, but still received no answer. I thought this manner of making me + feel I was importunate rather severe, and, pitying the poor man in + waiting, held my tongue. On my return the next day I was much surprised at + the thanks he returned me for the good dinner his excellency had given him + after receiving his paper. Three weeks afterwards his lordship sent him + the rescript he had solicited, dispatched by the minister, and signed by + the king, and this without having said a word either to myself or Sandoz + concerning the business, about which I thought he did not wish to give + himself the least concern. + </p> + <p> + I could wish incessantly to speak of George Keith; from him proceeds my + recollection of the last happy moments I have enjoyed: the rest of my + life, since our separation, has been passed in affliction and grief of + heart. The remembrance of this is so melancholy and confused that it was + impossible for me to observe the least order in what I write, so that in + future I shall be under the necessity of stating facts without giving them + a regular arrangement. + </p> + <p> + I was soon relieved from my inquietude arising from the uncertainty of my + asylum, by the answer from his majesty to the lord marshal, in whom, as it + will readily be believed, I had found an able advocate. The king not only + approved of what he had done, but desired him, for I must relate + everything, to give me twelve louis. The good old man, rather embarrassed + by the commission, and not knowing how to execute it properly, endeavored + to soften the insult by transforming the money into provisions, and + writing to me that he had received orders to furnish me with wood and coal + to begin my little establishment; he moreover added, and perhaps from + himself, that his majesty would willingly build me a little house, such a + one as I should choose to have, provided I would fix upon the ground. I + was extremely sensible of the kindness of the last offer, which made me + forget the weakness of the other. Without accepting either, I considered + Frederic as my benefactor and protector, and became so sincerely attached + to him, that from that moment I interested myself as much in his glory as + until then I had thought his successes unjust. At the peace he made soon + after, I expressed my joy by an illumination in a very good taste: it was + a string of garlands, with which I decorated the house I inhabited, and in + which, it is true, I had the vindictive haughtiness to spend almost as + much money as he had wished to give me. The peace ratified, I thought as + he was at the highest pinnacle of military and political fame, he would + think of acquiring that of another nature, by reanimating his states, + encouraging in them commerce and agriculture, creating a new soil, + covering it with a new people, maintaining peace amongst his neighbors, + and becoming the arbitrator, after having been the terror, of Europe. He + was in a situation to sheath his sword without danger, certain that no + sovereign would oblige him again to draw it. Perceiving he did not disarm, + I was afraid he would profit but little by the advantages he had gained, + and that he would be great only by halves. I dared to write to him upon + the subject, and with a familiarity of a nature to please men of his + character, conveying to him the sacred voice of truth, which but few kings + are worthy to hear. The liberty I took was a secret between him and + myself. I did not communicate it even to the lord marshal, to whom I sent + my letter to the king sealed up. His lordship forwarded my dispatch + without asking what it contained. His majesty returned me no answer and + the marshal going soon after to Berlin, the king told him he had received + from me a scolding. By this I understood my letter had been ill received, + and the frankness of my zeal had been mistaken for the rusticity of a + pedant. In fact, this might possibly be the case; perhaps I did not say + what was necessary, nor in the manner proper to the occasion. All I can + answer for is the sentiment which induced me to take up the pen. + </p> + <p> + Shortly after my establishment at Motiers, Travers having every possible + assurance that I should be suffered to remain there in peace, I took the + Armenian habit. This was not the first time I had thought of doing it. I + had formerly had the same intention, particularly at Montmorency, where + the frequent use of probes often obliging me to keep my chamber, made me + more clearly perceive the advantages of a long robe. The convenience of an + Armenian tailor, who frequently came to see a relation he had at + Montmorency, almost tempted me to determine on taking this new dress, + troubling myself but little about what the world would say of it. Yet, + before I concluded about the matter, I wished to take the opinion of M. de + Luxembourg, who immediately advised me to follow my inclination. I + therefore procured a little Armenian wardrobe, but on account of the storm + raised against me, I was induced to postpone making use of it until I + should enjoy tranquillity, and it was not until some months afterwards + that, forced by new attacks of my disorder, I thought I could properly, + and without the least risk, put on my new dress at Motiers, especially + after having consulted the pastor of the place, who told me I might wear + it even in the temple without indecency. I then adopted the waistcoat, + caffetan, fur bonnet, and girdle; and after having in this dress attended + divine service, I saw no impropriety in going in it to visit his lordship. + His excellency in seeing me clothed in this manner made me no other + compliment than that which consisted in saying “Salaam aleki,” i.e., + “Peace be with you;” the common Turkish salutation; after which nothing + more was said upon the subject, and I continued to wear my new dress. + </p> + <p> + Having quite abandoned literature, all I now thought of was leading a + quiet life, and one as agreeable as I could make it. When alone, I have + never felt weariness of mind, not even in complete inaction; my + imagination filling up every void, was sufficient to keep up my attention. + The inactive babbling of a private circle, where, seated opposite to each + other, they who speak move nothing but the tongue, is the only thing I + have ever been unable to support. When walking and rambling about there is + some satisfaction in conversation; the feet and eyes do something; but to + hear people with their arms across speak of the weather, of the biting of + flies, or what is still worse, compliment each other, is to me an + insupportable torment. That I might not live like a savage, I took it into + my head to learn to make laces. Like the women, I carried my cushion with + me, when I went to make visits, or sat down to work at my door, and + chatted with passers-by. This made me the better support the emptiness of + babbling, and enabled me to pass my time with my female neighbors without + weariness. Several of these were very amiable and not devoid of wit. One + in particular, Isabella d’Ivernois, daughter of the attorney-general of + Neuchatel, I found so estimable as to induce me to enter with her into + terms of particular friendship, from which she derived some advantage by + the useful advice I gave her, and the services she received from me on + occasions of importance, so that now a worthy and virtuous mother of a + family, she is perhaps indebted to me for her reason, her husband, her + life, and happiness. On my part, I received from her gentle consolation, + particularly during a melancholy winter, throughout the whole of which + when my sufferings were most cruel, she came to pass with Theresa and me + long evenings, which she made very short for us by her agreeable + conversation, and our mutual openness of heart. She called me papa, and I + called her daughter, and these names, which we still give to each other, + will, I hope, continue to be as dear to her as they are to me. That my + laces might be of some utility, I gave them to my young female friends at + their marriages, upon condition of their suckling their children; + Isabella’s eldest sister had one upon these terms, and well deserved it by + her observance of them; Isabella herself also received another, which, by + intention, she as fully merited. She has not been happy enough to be able + to pursue her inclination. When I sent the laces to the two sisters, I + wrote each of them a letter; the first has been shown about in the world; + the second has not the same celebrity: friendship proceeds with less + noise. + </p> + <p> + Amongst the connections I made in my neighborhood, of which I will not + enter into a detail, I must mention that with Colonel Pury, who had a + house upon the mountain, where he came to pass the summer. I was not + anxious to become acquainted with him, because I knew he was upon bad + terms at court, and with the lord marshal, whom he did not visit. Yet, as + he came to see me, and showed me much attention, I was under the necessity + of returning his visit; this was repeated, and we sometimes dined with + each other. At his house I became acquainted with M. du Perou, and + afterwards too intimately connected with him to pass his name over in + silence. + </p> + <p> + M. du Perou was an American, son to a commandant of Surinam, whose + successor, M. le Chambrier, of Neuchatel, married his widow. Left a widow + a second time, she came with her son to live in the country of her second + husband. + </p> + <p> + Du Perou, an only son, very rich, and tenderly beloved by his mother, had + been carefully brought up, and his education was not lost upon him. He had + acquired much knowledge, a taste for the arts, and piqued himself upon his + having cultivated his rational faculty: his Dutch appearance, yellow + complexion, and silent and close disposition, favored this opinion. + Although young, he was already deaf and gouty. This rendered his motions + deliberate and very grave, and although he was fond of disputing, he in + general spoke but little because his hearing was bad. I was struck with + his exterior, and said to myself, this is a thinker, a man of wisdom, such + a one as anybody would be happy to have for a friend. He frequently + addressed himself to me without paying the least compliment, and this + strengthened the favorable opinion I had already formed of him. He said + but little to me of myself or my books, and still less of himself; he was + not destitute of ideas, and what he said was just. This justness and + equality attracted my regard. He had neither the elevation of mind, nor + the discrimination of the lord marshal, but he had all his simplicity: + this was still representing him in something. I did not become infatuated + with him, but he acquired my attachment from esteem; and by degrees this + esteem led to friendship, and I totally forgot the objection I made to the + Baron Holbach: that he was too rich. + </p> + <p> + For a long time I saw but little of Du Perou, because I did not go to + Neuchatel, and he came but once a year to the mountain of Colonel Pury. + Why did I not go to Neuchatel? This proceeded from a childishness upon + which I must not be silent. + </p> + <p> + Although protected by the King of Prussia and the lord marshal, while I + avoided persecution in my asylum, I did not avoid the murmurs of the + public, of municipal magistrates and ministers. After what had happened in + France it became fashionable to insult me; these people would have been + afraid to seem to disapprove of what my persecutors had done by not + imitating them. The ‘classe’ of Neuchatel, that is, the ministers of that + city, gave the impulse, by endeavoring to move the council of state + against me. This attempt not having succeeded, the ministers addressed + themselves to the municipal magistrate, who immediately prohibited my + book, treating me on all occasions with but little civility, and saying, + that had I wished to reside in the city I should not have been suffered to + do it. They filled their Mercury with absurdities and the most stupid + hypocrisy, which, although, it makes every man of sense laugh, animated + the people against me. This, however, did not prevent them from setting + forth that I ought to be very grateful for their permitting me to live at + Motiers, where they had no authority; they would willingly have measured + me the air by the pint, provided I had paid for it a dear price. They + would have it that I was obliged to them for the protection the king + granted me in spite of the efforts they incessantly made to deprive me of + it. Finally, failing of success, after having done me all the injury they + could, and defamed me to the utmost of their power, they made a merit of + their impotence, by boasting of their goodness in suffering me to stay in + their country. I ought to have laughed at their vain efforts, but I was + foolish enough to be vexed at them, and had the weakness to be unwilling + to go to Neuchatel, to which I yielded for almost two years, as if it was + not doing too much honor to such wretches, to pay attention to their + proceedings, which, good or bad, could not be imputed to them, because + they never act but from a foreign impulse. Besides, minds without sense or + knowledge, whose objects of esteem are influence, power and money, and far + from imagining even that some respect is due to talents, and that it is + dishonorable to injure and insult them. + </p> + <p> + A certain mayor of a village, who from sundry malversations had been + deprived of his office, said to the lieutenant of Val de Travers, the + husband of Isabella: “I am told this Rousseau has great wit,—bring + him to me that I may see whether he has or not.” The disapprobation of + such a man ought certainly to have no effect upon those on whom it falls. + </p> + <p> + After the treatment I had received at Paris, Geneva, Berne, and even at + Neuchatel, I expected no favor from the pastor of this place. I had, + however, been recommended to him by Madam Boy de la Tour, and he had given + me a good reception; but in that country where every new-comer is + indiscriminately flattered, civilities signify but little. Yet, after my + solemn union with the reformed church, and living in a Protestant country, + I could not, without failing in my engagements, as well as in the duty of + a citizen, neglect the public profession of the religion into which I had + entered; I therefore attended divine service. On the other hand, had I + gone to the holy table, I was afraid of exposing myself to a refusal, and + it was by no means probable, that after the tumult excited at Geneva by + the council, and at Neuchatel by the classe (the ministers), he would, + without difficulty, administer to me the sacrament in his church. The time + of communion approaching, I wrote to M. de Montmollin, the minister, to + prove to him my desire of communicating, and declaring myself heartily + united to the Protestant church; I also told him, in order to avoid + disputing upon articles of faith, that I would not hearken to any + particular explanation of the point of doctrine. After taking these steps + I made myself easy, not doubting but M. de Montmollin would refuse to + admit me without the preliminary discussion to which I refused to consent, + and that in this manner everything would be at an end without any fault of + mine. I was deceived: when I least expected anything of the kind, M. de + Montmollin came to declare to me not only that he admitted me to the + communion under the condition which I had proposed, but that he and the + elders thought themselves much honored by my being one of their flock. I + never in my whole life felt greater surprise or received from it more + consolation. Living always alone and unconnected appeared to me a + melancholy destiny, especially in adversity. In the midst of so many + proscriptions and persecutions, I found it extremely agreeable to be able + to say to myself: I am at least amongst my brethren; and I went to the + communion with an emotion of heart, and my eyes suffused with tears of + tenderness, which perhaps were the most agreeable preparation to Him to + whose table I was drawing near. + </p> + <p> + Sometime afterwards his lordship sent me a letter from Madam de Boufflers, + which he had received, at least I presumed so, by means of D’Alembert, who + was acquainted with the marechal. In this letter, the first this lady had + written to me after my departure from Montmorency, she rebuked me severely + for having written to M. de Montmollin, and especially for having + communicated. I the less understood what she meant by her reproof, as + after my journey to Geneva, I had constantly declared myself a Protestant, + and had gone publicly to the Hotel de Hollande without incurring the least + censure from anybody. It appeared to me diverting enough, that Madam de + Boufflers should wish to direct my conscience in matters of religion. + However, as I had no doubt of the purity of her intention, I was not + offended by this singular sally, and I answered her without anger, stating + to her my reasons. + </p> + <p> + Calumnies in print were still industriously circulated, and their benign + authors reproached the different powers with treating me too mildly. For + my part, I let them say and write what they pleased, without giving myself + the least concern about the matter. I was told there was a censure from + the Sorbonne, but this I could not believe. What could the Sorbonne have + to do in the matter? Did the doctors wish to know to a certainty that I + was not a Catholic? Everybody already knew I was not one. Were they + desirous of proving I was not a good Calvinist? Of what consequence was + this to them? It was taking upon themselves a singular care, and becoming + the substitutes of our ministers. Before I saw this publication I thought + it was distributed in the name of the Sorbonne, by way of mockery: and + when I had read it I was convinced this was the case. But when at length + there was not a doubt of its authenticity, all I could bring myself to + believe was, that the learned doctors would have been better placed in a + madhouse than they were in the college. + </p> + <p> + I was more affected by another publication, because it came from a man for + whom I always had an esteem, and whose constancy I admired, though I + pitied his blindness. I mean the mandatory letter against me by the + archbishop of Paris. I thought to return an answer to it was a duty I owed + myself. This I felt I could do without derogating from my dignity; the + case was something similar to that of the King of Poland. I had always + detested brutal disputes, after the manner of Voltaire. I never combat but + with dignity, and before I deign to defend myself I must be certain that + he by whom I am attacked will not dishonor my retort. I had no doubt but + this letter was fabricated by the Jesuits, and although they were at that + time in distress, I discovered in it their old principle of crushing the + wretched. I was therefore at liberty to follow my ancient maxim, by + honoring the titulary author, and refuting the work which I think I did + completely. + </p> + <p> + I found my residence at Motiers very agreeable, and nothing was wanting to + determine me to end my days there, but a certainty of the means of + subsistence. Living is dear in that neighborhood, and all my old projects + had been overturned by the dissolution of my household arrangements at + Montmorency, the establishment of others, the sale or squandering of my + furniture, and the expenses incurred since my departure. The little + capital which remained to me daily diminished. Two or three years were + sufficient to consume the remainder without my having the means of + renewing it, except by again engaging in literary pursuits: a pernicious + profession which I had already abandoned. Persuaded that everything which + concerned me would change, and that the public, recovered from its frenzy, + would make my persecutors blush, all my endeavors tended to prolong my + resources until this happy revolution should take place, after which I + should more at my ease choose a resource from amongst those which might + offer themselves. To this effect I took up my Dictionary of Music, which + ten years’ labor had so far advanced as to leave nothing wanting to it but + the last corrections. My books which I had lately received, enabled me to + finish this work; my papers sent me by the same conveyance, furnished me + with the means of beginning my memoirs to which I was determined to give + my whole attention. I began by transcribing the letters into a book, by + which my memory might be guided in the order of fact and time. I had + already selected those I intended to keep for this purpose, and for ten + years the series was not interrupted. However, in preparing them for + copying I found an interruption at which I was surprised. This was for + almost six months, from October, 1756, to March following. I recollected + having put into my selection a number of letters from Diderot, De Leyre, + Madam d’ Epinay, Madam de Chenonceaux, etc., which filled up the void and + were missing. What was become of them? Had any person laid their hands + upon my papers whilst they remained in the Hotel de Luxembourg? This was + not conceivable, and I had seen M. de Luxembourg take the key of the + chamber in which I had deposited them. Many letters from different ladies, + and all those from Diderot, were without date, on which account I had been + under the necessity of dating them from memory before they could be put in + order, and thinking I might have committed errors, I again looked them + over for the purpose of seeing whether or not I could find those which + ought to fill up the void. This experiment did not succeed. I perceived + the vacancy to be real, and that the letters had certainly been taken + away. By whom and for what purpose? This was what I could not comprehend. + These letters, written prior to my great quarrels, and at the time of my + first enthusiasm in the composition of ‘Eloisa’, could not be interesting + to any person. They contained nothing more than cavillings by Diderot, + jeerings from De Leyre, assurances of friendship from M. de Chenonceaux, + and even Madam d’Epinay, with whom I was then upon the best of terms. To + whom were these letters of consequence? To what use were they to be put? + It was not until seven years afterwards that I suspected the nature of the + theft. + </p> + <p> + The deficiency being no longer doubtful, I looked over my rough drafts to + see whether or not it was the only one. I found several, which on account + of the badness of my memory, made me suppose others in the multitude of my + papers. Those I remarked were that of the ‘Morale Sensitive’, and the + extract of the adventures of Lord Edward. The last, I confess, made me + suspect Madam de Luxembourg. La Roche, her valet de chambre, had sent me + the papers, and I could think of nobody but herself to whom this fragment + could be of consequence; but what concern could the other give her, any + more than the rest of the letters missing, with which, even with evil + intentions, nothing to my prejudice could be done, unless they were + falsified? As for the marechal, with whose friendship for me, and + invariable integrity, I was perfectly acquainted, I never could suspect + him for a moment. The most reasonable supposition, after long tormenting + my mind in endeavoring to discover the author of the theft, was that which + imputed it to D’Alembert, who, having thrust himself into the company of + Madam de Luxembourg, might have found means to turn over these papers, and + take from amongst them such manuscripts and letters as he might have + thought proper, either for the purpose of endeavoring to embroil me with + the writer of them, or to appropriate those he should find useful to his + own private purposes. I imagined that, deceived by the title of Morale + Sensitive, he might have supposed it to be the plan of a real treatise + upon materialism, with which he would have armed himself against me in a + manner easy to be imagined. Certain that he would soon be undeceived by + reading the sketch and determined to quit all literary pursuits, these + larcenies gave me but little concern. They besides were not the first the + same hand had committed upon me without having complained of these + pilferings. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [I had found in his ‘Elemens de Musique’ (Elements of Music) + several things taken from what I had written for the ‘Encyclopedie’, + and which were given to him several years before the publication of + his elements. I know not what he may have had to do with a book + entitled ‘Dictionaire des Beaux Arts’ (Dictionary of the Fine Arts) + but I found in it articles transcribed word for word from mine, and + this long before the same articles were printed in the + Encyclopedie.] +</pre> + <p> + In a very little time I thought no more of the trick that had been played + me than if nothing had happened, and began to collect the materials I had + left for the purpose of undertaking my projected confessions. + </p> + <p> + I had long thought the company of ministers, or at least the citizens and + burgesses of Geneva, would remonstrate against the infraction of the edict + in the decree made against me. Everything remained quiet, at least to all + exterior appearance; for discontent was general, and ready, on the first + opportunity, openly to manifest itself. My friends, or persons calling + themselves such, wrote letter after letter exhorting me to come and put + myself at their head, assuring me of public separation from the council. + The fear of the disturbance and troubles which might be caused by my + presence, prevented me from acquiescing with their desires, and, faithful + to the oath I had formerly made, never to take the least part in any civil + dissension in my country, I chose rather to let the offence remain as it + was, and banish myself forever from the country, than to return to it by + means which were violent and dangerous. It is true, I expected the + burgesses would make legal remonstrances against an infraction in which + their interests were deeply concerned; but no such steps were taken. They + who conducted the body of citizens sought less the real redress of + grievances than an opportunity to render themselves necessary. They + caballed but were silent, and suffered me to be bespattered by the gossips + and hypocrites set on to render me odious in the eyes of the populace, and + pass off their misdemeanors as religious zeal. + </p> + <p> + After having, during a whole year, vainly expected that some one would + remonstrate against an illegal proceeding, and seeing myself abandoned by + my fellow-citizens, I determined to renounce my ungrateful country in + which I never had lived, from which I had not received either inheritance + or services, and by which, in return for the honor I had endeavored to do + it, I saw myself so unworthily treated by unanimous consent, since they, + who should have spoken, had remained silent. I therefore wrote to the + first syndic for that year, to M. Favre, if I remember right, a letter in + which I solemnly gave up my freedom of the city of Geneva, carefully + observing in it, however, that decency and moderation, from which I have + never departed in the acts of haughtiness which, in my misfortunes, the + cruelty of my enemies have frequently forced upon me, + </p> + <p> + This step opened the eyes of the citizens, who feeling they had neglected + their own interests by abandoning my defence, took my part when it was too + late. They had wrongs of their own which they joined to mine, and made + these the subject of several well-reasoned representations, which they + strengthened and extended, as the refusal of the council, supported by the + ministry of France, made them more clearly perceive the project formed to + impose on them a yoke. These altercations produced several pamphlets which + were undecisive, until that appeared entitled ‘Lettres ecrites de la + Campagne’, a work written in favor of the council, with infinite art, and + by which the remonstrating party, reduced to silence, was crushed for a + time. This production, a lasting monument of the rare talents of its + author, came from the Attorney-General Tronchin, a man of wit and an + enlightened understanding, well versed in the laws and government of the + republic. ‘Siluit terra’. + </p> + <p> + The remonstrators, recovered from their first overthrow, undertook to give + an answer, and in time produced one which brought them off tolerably well. + But they all looked to me, as the only person capable of combating a like + adversary with hope of success. I confess I was of their opinion, and + excited by my former fellow-citizens, who thought it was my duty to aid + them with my pen, as I had been the cause of their embarrassment, I + undertook to refute the ‘Lettres ecrites de la Campagne’, and parodied the + title of them by that of ‘Lettres ecrites de la Montagne,’ which I gave to + mine. I wrote this answer so secretly, that at a meeting I had at Thonon, + with the chiefs of the malcontents to talk of their affairs, and where + they showed me a sketch of their answer, I said not a word of mine, which + was quite ready, fearing obstacles might arise relative to the impression + of it, should the magistrate or my enemies hear of what I had done. This + work was, however known in France before the publication; but government + chose rather to let it appear, than to suffer me to guess at the means by + which my secret had been discovered. Concerning this I will state what I + know, which is but trifling: what I have conjectured shall remain with + myself. + </p> + <p> + I received, at Motiers, almost as many visits as at the Hermitage and + Montmorency; but these, for the most part were a different kind. They who + had formerly come to see me were people who, having taste, talents, and + principles, something similar to mine, alleged them as the causes of their + visits, and introduced subjects on which I could converse. At Motiers the + case was different, especially with the visitors who came from France. + They were officers or other persons who had no taste for literature, nor + had many of them read my works, although, according to their own accounts, + they had travelled thirty, forty, sixty, and even a hundred leagues to + come and see me, and admire the illustrious man, the very celebrated, the + great man, etc. For from the time of my settling at Motiers, I received + the most impudent flattery, from which the esteem of those with whom I + associated had formerly sheltered me. As but few of my new visitors + deigned to tell me who or what they were, and as they had neither read nor + cast their eye over my works, nor had their researches and mine been + directed to the same objects, I knew not what to speak to them upon: I + waited for what they had to say, because it was for them to know and tell + me the purpose of their visit. It will naturally be imagined this did not + produce conversations very interesting to me, although they, perhaps, were + so to my visitors, according to the information they might wish to + acquire; for as I was without suspicion, I answered without reserve, to + every question they thought proper to ask me, and they commonly went away + as well informed as myself of the particulars of my situation. + </p> + <p> + I was, for example, visited in this manner by M. de Feins, equerry to the + queen, and captain of cavalry, who had the patience to pass several days + at Motiers, and to follow me on foot even to La Ferriere, leading his + horse by the bridle, without having with me any point of union, except our + acquaintance with Mademoiselle Fel, and that we both played at + ‘bilboquet’. [A kind of cup and ball.] + </p> + <p> + Before this I had received another visit much more extraordinary. Two men + arrived on foot, each leading a mule loaded with his little baggage, + lodging at the inn, taking care of their mules and asking to see me. By + the equipage of these muleteers they were taken for smugglers, and the + news that smugglers were come to see me was instantly spread. Their manner + of addressing me sufficiently showed they were persons of another + description; but without being smugglers they might be adventurers, and + this doubt kept me for some time on my guard. They soon removed my + apprehensions. One was M. de Montauban, who had the title of Comte de la + Tour du Pin, gentleman to the dauphin; the other, M. Dastier de + Carpentras, an old officer who had his cross of St. Louis in his pocket, + because he could not display it. These gentlemen, both very amiable, were + men of sense, and their manner of travelling, so much to my own taste, and + but little like that of French gentlemen, in some measure gained them my + attachment, which an intercourse with them served to improve. Our + acquaintance did not end with the visit; it is still kept up, and they + have since been several times to see me, not on foot, that was very well + for the first time; but the more I have seen of these gentlemen the less + similarity have I found between their taste and mine; I have not + discovered their maxims to be such as I have ever observed, that my + writings are familiar to them, or that there is any real sympathy between + them and myself. What, therefore, did they want with me? Why came they to + see me with such an equipage? Why repeat their visit? Why were they so + desirous of having me for their host? I did not at that time propose to + myself these questions; but they have sometimes occurred to me since. + </p> + <p> + Won by their advances, my heart abandoned itself without reserve, + especially to M. Dastier, with whose open countenance I was more + particularly pleased. I even corresponded with him, and when I determined + to print the ‘Letters from the Mountains’, I thought of addressing myself + to him, to deceive those by whom my packet was waited for upon the road to + Holland. He had spoken to me a good deal, and perhaps purposely, upon the + liberty of the press at Avignon; he offered me his services should I have + anything to print there: I took advantage of the offer and sent him + successively by the post my first sheets. After having kept these for some + time, he sent them back to me, “Because,” said he, “no bookseller dared to + sell them;” and I was obliged to have recourse to Rey taking care to send + my papers, one after the other, and not to part with those which succeeded + until I had advice of the reception of those already sent. Before the work + was published, I found it had been seen in the office of the ministers, + and D’Escherny, of Neuchatel, spoke to me of the book, entitled ‘De + l’Homme de la Montagne’, which D’Holbach had told him was by me. I assured + him, and it was true, that I never had written a book which bore that + title. When the letters appeared he became furious, and accused me of + falsehood; although I had told him truth. By this means I was certain my + manuscript had been read; as I could not doubt the fidelity of Rey, the + most rational conjecture seemed to be, that my packets had been opened at + the post-house. + </p> + <p> + Another acquaintance I made much about the same time, but which was begun + by letters, was that with M. Laliand of Nimes, who wrote to me from Paris, + begging I would send him my profile; he said he was in want of it for my + bust in marble, which Le Moine was making for him to be placed in his + library. If this was a pretence invented to deceive me, it fully + succeeded. I imagined that a man who wished to have my bust in marble in + his library had his head full of my works, consequently of my principles, + and that he loved me because his mind was in unison with mine. It was + natural this idea should seduce me. I have since seen M. Laliand. I found + him very ready to render me many trifling services, and to concern himself + in my little affairs, but I have my doubts of his having, in the few books + he ever read, fallen upon any one of those I have written. I do not know + that he has a library, or that such a thing is of any use to him; and for + the bust he has a bad figure in plaster, by Le Moine, from which has been + engraved a hideous portrait that bears my name, as if it bore to me some + resemblance. + </p> + <p> + The only Frenchman who seemed to come to see me, on account of my + sentiments, and his taste for my works, was a young officer of the + regiment of Limousin, named Seguier de St. Brisson. He made a figure in + Paris, where he still perhaps distinguishes himself by his pleasing + talents and wit. He came once to Montmorency, the winter which preceded my + catastrophe. I was pleased with his vivacity. He afterwards wrote to me at + Motiers, and whether he wished to flatter me, or that his head was turned + with Emilius, he informed me he was about to quit the service to live + independently, and had begun to learn the trade of a carpenter. He had an + elder brother, a captain in the same regiment, the favorite of the mother, + who, a devotee to excess, and directed by I know not what hypocrite, did + not treat the youngest son well, accusing him of irreligion, and what was + still worse, of the unpardonable crime of being connected with me. These + were the grievances, on account of which he was determined to break with + his mother, and adopt the manner of life of which I have just spoken, all + to play the part of the young Emilius. Alarmed at his petulance, I + immediately wrote to him, endeavoring to make him change his resolution, + and my exhortations were as strong as I could make them. They had their + effect. He returned to his duty, to his mother, and took back the + resignation he had given the colonel, who had been prudent enough to make + no use of it, that the young man might have time to reflect upon what he + had done. St. Brisson, cured of these follies, was guilty of another less + alarming, but, to me, not less disagreeable than the rest: he became an + author. He successively published two or three pamphlets which announced a + man not devoid of talents, but I have not to reproach myself with having + encouraged him by my praises to continue to write. + </p> + <p> + Some time afterwards he came to see me, and we made together a pilgrimage + to the island of St. Pierre. During this journey I found him different + from what I saw of him at Montmorency. He had, in his manner, something + affected, which at first did not much disgust me, although I have since + thought of it to his disadvantage. He once visited me at the hotel de St. + Simon, as I passed through Paris on my way to England. I learned there + what he had not told me, that he lived in the great world, and often + visited Madam de Luxembourg. Whilst I was at Trie, I never heard from him, + nor did he so much as make inquiry after me, by means of his relation + Mademoiselle Seguier, my neighbor. This lady never seemed favorably + disposed towards me. In a word, the infatuation of M. de St. Brisson ended + suddenly, like the connection of M. de Feins: but this man owed me + nothing, and the former was under obligations to me, unless the follies I + prevented him from committing were nothing more than affectation; which + might very possibly be the case. + </p> + <p> + I had visits from Geneva also. The Delucs, father and son, successively + chose me for their attendant in sickness. The father was taken ill on the + road, the son was already sick when he left Geneva; they both came to my + house. Ministers, relations, hypocrites, and persons of every description + came from Geneva and Switzerland, not like those from France, to laugh at + and admire me, but to rebuke and catechise me. The only person amongst + them who gave me pleasure, was Moultou, who passed with me three or four + days, and whom I wished to remain much longer; the most persevering of + all, the most obstinate, and who conquered me by importunity, was a M. + d’Ivernois, a merchant at Geneva, a French refugee, and related to the + attorney-general of Neuchatel. This man came from Geneva to Motiers twice + a year, on purpose to see me, remained with me several days together from + morning to night, accompanied me in my walks, brought me a thousand little + presents, insinuated himself in spite of me into my confidence, and + intermeddled in all my affairs, notwithstanding there was not between him + and myself the least similarity of ideas, inclination, sentiment, or + knowledge. I do not believe he ever read a book of any kind throughout, or + that he knows upon what subject mine are written. When I began to + herbalize, he followed me in my botanical rambles, without taste for that + amusement, or having anything to say to me or I to him. He had the + patience to pass with me three days in a public house at Goumoins, whence, + by wearying him and making him feel how much he wearied me, I was in hopes + of driving him away. I could not, however, shake his incredible + perseverance, nor by any means discover the motive of it. + </p> + <p> + Amongst these connections, made and continued by force, I must not omit + the only one that was agreeable to me, and in which my heart was really + interested: this was that I had with a young Hungarian who came to live at + Neuchatel, and from that place to Motiers, a few months after I had taken + up my residence there. He was called by the people of the country the + Baron de Sauttern, by which name he had been recommended from Zurich. He + was tall, well made, had an agreeable countenance, and mild and social + qualities. He told everybody, and gave me also to understand that he came + to Neuchatel for no other purpose, than that of forming his youth to + virtue, by his intercourse with me. His physiognomy, manner, and behavior, + seemed well suited to his conversation, and I should have thought I failed + in one of the greatest duties had I turned my back upon a young man in + whom I perceived nothing but what was amiable, and who sought my + acquaintance from so respectable a motive. My heart knows not how to + connect itself by halves. He soon acquired my friendship, and all my + confidence, and we were presently inseparable. He accompanied me in all my + walks, and became fond of them. I took him to the marechal, who received + him with the utmost kindness. As he was yet unable to explain himself in + French, he spoke and wrote to me in Latin, I answered in French, and this + mingling of the two languages did not make our conversations either less + smooth or lively. He spoke of his family, his affairs, his adventures, and + of the court of Vienna, with the domestic details of which he seemed well + acquainted. In fine, during two years which we passed in the greatest + intimacy, I found in him a mildness of character proof against everything, + manners not only polite but elegant, great neatness of person, an extreme + decency in his conversation, in a word, all the marks of a man born and + educated a gentleman, and which rendered him in my eyes too estimable not + to make him dear to me. + </p> + <p> + At the time we were upon the most intimate and friendly terms, D’ Ivernois + wrote to me from Geneva, putting me upon my guard against the young + Hungarian who had taken up his residence in my neighborhood; telling me he + was a spy whom the minister of France had appointed to watch my + proceedings. This information was of a nature to alarm me the more, as + everybody advised me to guard against the machinations of persons who were + employed to keep an eye upon my actions, and to entice me into France for + the purpose of betraying me. To shut the mouths, once for all, of these + foolish advisers, I proposed to Sauttern, without giving him the least + intimation of the information I had received, a journey on foot to + Pontarlier, to which he consented. As soon as we arrived there I put the + letter from D’Ivernois into his hands, and after giving him an ardent + embrace, I said: “Sauttern has no need of a proof of my confidence in him, + but it is necessary I should prove to the public that I know in whom to + place it.” This embrace was accompanied with a pleasure which persecutors + can neither feel themselves, nor take away from the oppressed. + </p> + <p> + I will never believe Sauttern was a spy, nor that he betrayed me: but I + was deceived by him. When I opened to him my heart without reserve, he + constantly kept his own shut, and abused me by lies. He invented I know + not what kind of story, to prove to me his presence was necessary in his + own country. I exhorted him to return to it as soon as possible. He set + off, and when I thought he was in Hungary, I learned he was at + Strasbourgh. This was not the first time he had been there. He had caused + some disorder in a family in that city; and the husband knowing I received + him in my house, wrote to me. I used every effort to bring the young woman + back to the paths of virtue, and Sauttern to his duty. + </p> + <p> + When I thought they were perfectly detached from each other, they renewed + their acquaintance, and the husband had the complaisance to receive the + young man at his house; from that moment I had nothing more to say. I + found the pretended baron had imposed upon me by a great number of lies. + His name was not Sauttern, but Sauttersheim. With respect to the title of + baron, given him in Switzerland, I could not reproach him with the + impropriety, because he had never taken it; but I have not a doubt of his + being a gentleman, and the marshal, who knew mankind, and had been in + Hungary, always considered and treated him as such. + </p> + <p> + He had no sooner left my neighborhood, than the girl at the inn where he + ate, at Motiers, declared herself with child by him. She was so dirty a + creature, and Sauttern, generally esteemed in the country for his conduct + and purity of morals, piqued himself so much upon cleanliness, that + everybody was shocked at this impudent pretension. The most amiable women + of the country, who had vainly displayed to him their charms, were + furious: I myself was almost choked with indignation. I used every effort + to get the tongue of this impudent woman stopped, offering to pay all + expenses, and to give security for Sauttersheim. I wrote to him in the + fullest persuasion, not only that this pregnancy could not relate to him, + but that it was feigned, and the whole a machination of his enemies and + mine. I wished him to return and confound the strumpet, and those by whom + she was dictated to. The pusillanimity of his answer surprised me. He + wrote to the master of the parish to which the creature belonged, and + endeavored to stifle the matter. Perceiving this, I concerned myself no + more about it, but I was astonished that a man who could stoop so low + should have been sufficiently master of himself to deceive me by his + reserve in the closest familiarity. + </p> + <p> + From Strasbourgh, Sauttersheim went to seek his fortune in Paris, and + found there nothing but misery. He wrote to me acknowledging his error. My + compassion was excited by the recollection of our former friendship, and I + sent him a sum of money. The year following, as I passed through Paris, I + saw him much in the same situation; but he was the intimate friend of M. + de Laliand, and I could not learn by what means he had formed this + acquaintance, or whether it was recent or of long standing. Two years + afterwards Sauttersheim returned to Strasbourgh, whence he wrote to me and + where he died. This, in a few words, is the history of our connection, and + what I know of his adventures; but while I mourn the fate of the unhappy + young man, I still, and ever shall, believe he was the son of people of + distinction, and the impropriety of his conduct was the effect of the + situations to which he was reduced. + </p> + <p> + Such were the connections and acquaintance I acquired at Motiers. How many + of these would have been necessary to compensate the cruel losses I + suffered at the same time. + </p> + <p> + The first of these was that of M. de Luxembourg, who, after having been + long tormented by the physicians, at length became their victim, by being + treated for the gout which they would not acknowledge him to have, as for + a disorder they thought they could cure. + </p> + <p> + According to what La Roche, the confidential servant of Madam de + Luxembourg, wrote to me relative to what had happened, it is by this cruel + and memorable example that the miseries of greatness are to be deplored. + </p> + <p> + The loss of this good nobleman afflicted me the more, as he was the only + real friend I had in France, and the mildness of his character was such as + to make me quite forget his rank, and attach myself to him as his equal. + Our connection was not broken off on account of my having quitted the + kingdom; he continued to write to me as usual. + </p> + <p> + I nevertheless thought I perceived that absence, or my misfortune, had + cooled his affection for me. It is difficult to a courtier to preserve the + same attachment to a person whom he knows to be in disgrace with courts. I + moreover suspected the great ascendancy Madam de Luxembourg had over his + mind had been unfavorable to me, and that she had taken advantage of our + separation to injure me in his esteem. For her part, notwithstanding a few + affected marks of regard, which daily became less frequent, she less + concealed the change in her friendship. She wrote to me four or five times + into Switzerland, after which she never wrote to me again, and nothing but + my prejudice, confidence and blindness, could have prevented my + discovering in her something more than a coolness towards me. + </p> + <p> + Guy the bookseller, partner with Duchesne, who, after I had left + Montmorency, frequently went to the hotel de Luxembourg, wrote to me that + my name was in the will of the marechal. There was nothing in this either + incredible or extraordinary, on which account I had no doubt of the truth + of the information. I deliberated within myself whether or not I should + receive the legacy. Everything well considered, I determined to accept it, + whatever it might be, and to do that honor to the memory of an honest man, + who, in a rank in which friendship is seldom found, had had a real one for + me. I had not this duty to fulfill. I heard no more of the legacy, whether + it were true or false; and in truth I should have felt some pain in + offending against one of the great maxims of my system of morality, in + profiting by anything at the death of a person whom I had once held dear. + During the last illness of our friend Mussard, Leneips proposed to me to + take advantage of the grateful sense he expressed for our cares, to + insinuate to him dispositions in our favor. “Ah! my dear Leneips,” said I, + “let us not pollute by interested ideas the sad but sacred duties we + discharge towards our dying friend. I hope my name will never be found in + the testament of any person, at least not in that of a friend.” It was + about this time that my lord marshal spoke to me of his, of what he + intended to do in it for me, and that I made him the answer of which I + have spoken in the first part of my memoirs. + </p> + <p> + My second loss, still more afflicting and irreparable, was that of the + best of women and mothers, who, already weighed down with years, and + overburthened with infirmities and misery, quitted this vale of tears for + the abode of the blessed, where the amiable remembrance of the good we + have done here below is the eternal reward of our benevolence. Go, gentle + and beneficent shade, to those of Fenelon, Bernex, Catinat, and others, + who in a more humble state have, like them, opened their hearts to pure + charity; go and taste of the fruit of your own benevolence, and prepare + for your son the place he hopes to fill by your side. Happy in your + misfortunes that Heaven, in putting to them a period, has spared you the + cruel spectacle of his! Fearing, lest I should fill her heart with sorrow + by the recital of my first disasters, I had not written to her since my + arrival in Switzerland; but I wrote to M. de Conzie, to inquire after her + situation, and it was from him I learned she had ceased to alleviate the + sufferings of the afflicted, and that her own were at an end. I myself + shall not suffer long; but if I thought I should not see her again in the + life to come, my feeble imagination would less delight in the idea of the + perfect happiness I there hope to enjoy. + </p> + <p> + My third and last loss, for since that time I have not had a friend to + lose, was that of the lord marshal. He did not die but tired of serving + the ungrateful, he left Neuchatel, and I have never seen him since. He + still lives, and will, I hope, survive me: he is alive, and thanks to him + all my attachments on earth are not destroyed. There is one man still + worthy of my friendship; for the real value of this consists more in what + we feel than in that which we inspire; but I have lost the pleasure I + enjoyed in his, and can rank him in the number of those only whom I love, + but with whom I am no longer connected. He went to England to receive the + pardon of the king, and acquired the possession of the property which + formerly had been confiscated. We did not separate without an intention of + again being united, the idea of which seemed to give him as much pleasure + as I received from it. He determined to reside at Keith Hall, near + Aberdeen, and I was to join him as soon as he was settled there: but this + project was too flattering to my hopes to give me any of its success. He + did not remain in Scotland. The affectionate solicitations of the King of + Prussia induced him to return to Berlin, and the reason of my not going to + him there will presently appear. + </p> + <p> + Before this departure, foreseeing the storm which my enemies began to + raise against me, he of his own accord sent me letters of naturalization, + which seemed to be a certain means of preventing me from being driven from + the country. The community of the Convent of Val de Travers followed the + example of the governor, and gave me letters of Communion, gratis, as they + were the first. Thus, in every respect, become a citizen, I was sheltered + from legal expulsion, even by the prince; but it has never been by + legitimate means, that the man who, of all others, has shown the greatest + respect for the laws, has been persecuted. I do not think I ought to + enumerate, amongst the number of my losses at this time, that of the Abbe + Malby. Having lived sometime at the house of his mother, I have been + acquainted with the abbe, but not very intimately, and I have reason to + believe the nature of his sentiments with respect to me changed after I + acquired a greater celebrity than he already had. But the first time I + discovered his insincerity was immediately after the publication of the + ‘Letters from the Mountain’. A letter attributed to him, addressed to + Madam Saladin, was handed about in Geneva, in which he spoke of this work + as the seditious clamors of a furious demagogue. + </p> + <p> + The esteem I had for the Abbe Malby, and my great opinion of his + understanding, did not permit me to believe this extravagant letter was + written by him. I acted in this business with my usual candor. I sent him + a copy of the letter, informing him he was said to be the author of it. He + returned me no answer. This silence astonished me: but what was my + surprise when by a letter I received from Madam de Chenonceaux, I learned + the Abbe was really the author of that which was attributed to him, and + found himself greatly embarrassed by mine. For even supposing for a moment + that what he stated was true, how could he justify so public an attack, + wantonly made, without obligation or necessity, for the sole purpose of + overwhelming in the midst of his greatest misfortunes, a man to whom he + had shown himself a well-wisher, and who had not done anything that could + excite his enmity? In a short time afterwards the ‘Dialogues of Phocion’, + in which I perceived nothing but a compilation, without shame or + restraint, from my writings, made their appearance. + </p> + <p> + In reading this book I perceived the author had not the least regard for + me, and that in future I must number him among my most bitter enemies. I + do not believe he has ever pardoned me for the Social Contract, far + superior to his abilities, or the Perpetual Peace; and I am, besides, of + opinion that the desire he expressed that I should make an extract from + the Abbe de St. Pierre, proceeded from a supposition in him that I should + not acquit myself of it so well. + </p> + <p> + The further I advance in my narrative, the less order I feel myself + capable of observing. The agitation of the rest of my life has deranged in + my ideas the succession of events. These are too numerous, confused, and + disagreeable to be recited in due order. The only strong impression they + have left upon my mind is that of the horrid mystery by which the cause of + them is concealed, and of the deplorable state to which they have reduced + me. My narrative will in future be irregular, and according to the events + which, without order, may occur to my recollection. I remember about the + time to which I refer, full of the idea of my confessions, I very + imprudently spoke of them to everybody, never imagining it could be the + wish or interest, much less within the power of any person whatsoever, to + throw an obstacle in the way of this undertaking, and had I suspected it, + even this would not have rendered me more discreet, as from the nature of + my disposition it is totally impossible for me to conceal either my + thoughts or feelings. The knowledge of this enterprise was, as far as I + can judge, the cause of the storm that was raised to drive me from + Switzerland, and deliver me into the hands of those by whom I might be + prevented from executing it. + </p> + <p> + I had another project in contemplation which was not looked upon with a + more favorable eye by those who were afraid of the first: this was a + general edition of my works. I thought this edition of them necessary to + ascertain what books, amongst those to which my name was affixed, were + really written by me, and to furnish the public with the means of + distinguishing them from the writings falsely attributed to me by my + enemies, to bring me to dishonor and contempt. This was besides a simple + and an honorable means of insuring to myself a livelihood, and the only + one that remained to me. As I had renounced the profession of an author, + my memoirs not being of a nature to appear during my lifetime; as I no + longer gained a farthing in any manner whatsoever, and constantly lived at + a certain expense, I saw the end of my resources in that of the produce of + the last things I had written. This reason had induced me to hasten the + finishing of my Dictionary of Music, which still was incomplete. I had + received for it a hundred louis (guineas) and a life annuity of three + hundred livres; but a hundred louis could not last long in the hands of a + man who annually expended upwards of sixty, and three-hundred livres + (twelve guineas) a year was but a trifling sum to one upon whom parasites + and beggarly visitors lighted like a swarm of flies. + </p> + <p> + A company of merchants from Neuchatel came to undertake the general + edition, and a printer or bookseller of the name of Reguillat, from Lyons, + thrust himself, I know not by what means, amongst them to direct it. The + agreement was made upon reasonable terms, and sufficient to accomplish my + object. I had in print and manuscript, matter for six volumes in quarto. I + moreover agreed to give my assistance in bringing out the edition. The + merchants were, on their part, to pay me a thousand crowns (one hundred + and twenty-five pounds) down, and to assign me an annuity of sixteen + hundred livres (sixty-six pounds) for life. + </p> + <p> + The agreement was concluded but not signed, when the Letters from the + Mountain appeared. The terrible explosion caused by this infernal work, + and its abominable author, terrified the company, and the undertaking was + at an end. I would compare the effect of this last production to that of + the Letter on French Music, had not that letter, while it brought upon me + hatred, and exposed me to danger, acquired me respect and esteem. But + after the appearance of the last work, it was a matter of astonishment at + Geneva and Versailles that such a monster as the author of it should be + suffered to exist. The little council, excited by the French resident, and + directed by the attorney-general, made a declaration against my work, by + which, in the most severe terms, it was declared to be unworthy of being + burned by the hands of the hangman, adding, with an address which bordered + upon the burlesque, there was no possibility of speaking of or answering + it without dishonor. I would here transcribe the curious piece of + composition, but unfortunately I have it not by me. I ardently wish some + of my readers, animated by the zeal of truth and equity, would read over + the Letters from the Mountain: they will, I dare hope, feel the stoical + moderation which reigns throughout the whole, after all the cruel outrages + with which the author was loaded. But unable to answer the abuse, because + no part of it could be called by that name nor to the reasons because + these were unanswerable, my enemies pretended to appear too much enraged + to reply: and it is true, if they took the invincible arguments it + contains for abuse, they must have felt themselves roughly treated. + </p> + <p> + The remonstrating party, far from complaining of the odious declaration, + acted according to the spirit of it, and instead of making a trophy of the + Letters from the Mountain, which they veiled to make them serve as a + shield, were pusillanimous enough not to do justice or honor to that work, + written to defend them, and at their own solicitation. They did not either + quote or mention the letters, although they tacitly drew from them all + their arguments, and by exactly following the advice with which they + conclude, made them the sole cause of their safety and triumph. They had + imposed on me this duty: I had fulfilled it, and unto the end had served + their cause and the country. I begged of them to abandon me, and in their + quarrels to think of nobody but themselves. They took me at my word, and I + concerned myself no more about their affairs, further than constantly to + exhort them to peace, not doubting, should they continue to be obstinate, + of their being crushed by France; this however did not happen; I know the + reason why it did not, but this is not the place to explain what I mean. + </p> + <p> + The effect produced at Neuchatel by the Letters from the Mountain was at + first very mild. I sent a copy of them to M. de Montmollin, who received + it favorably, and read it without making any objection. He was ill as well + as myself; as soon as he recovered he came in a friendly manner to see me, + and conversed on general subjects. A rumor was however begun; the book was + burned I know not where. From Geneva, Berne, and perhaps from Versailles, + the effervescence quickly passed to Neuchatel, and especially to Val de + Travers, where, before even the ministers had taken any apparent steps, an + attempt was secretly made to stir up the people. I ought, I dare assert, + to have been beloved by the people of that country in which I have lived, + giving alms in abundance, not leaving about me an indigent person without + assistance, never refusing to do any service in my power, and which was + consistent with justice, making myself perhaps too familiar with + everybody, and avoiding, as far as it was possible for me to do it, all + distinction which might excite the least jealousy. This, however, did not + prevent the populace, secretly stirred up against me, by I know not whom, + from being by degrees irritated against me, even to fury, nor from + publicly insulting me, not only in the country and upon the road, but in + the street. Those to whom I had rendered the greatest services became most + irritated against me, and even people who still continued to receive my + benefactions, not daring to appear, excited others, and seemed to wish + thus to be revenged of me for their humiliation, by the obligations they + were under for the favors I had conferred upon them. Montmollin seemed to + pay no attention to what was passing, and did not yet come forward. But as + the time of communion approached, he came to advise me not to present + myself at the holy table, assuring me, however, he was not my enemy, and + that he would leave me undisturbed. I found this compliment whimsical + enough; it brought to my recollection the letter from Madam de Boufflers, + and I could not conceive to whom it could be a matter of such importance + whether I communicated or not. Considering this condescension on my part + as an act of cowardice, and moreover, being unwilling to give to the + people a new pretext under which they might charge me with impiety, I + refused the request of the minister, and he went away dissatisfied, giving + me to understand I should repent of my obstinacy. + </p> + <p> + He could not of his own authority forbid me the communion: that of the + Consistory, by which I had been admitted to it, was necessary, and as long + as there was no objection from that body I might present myself without + the fear of being refused. Montmollin procured from the Classe (the + ministers) a commission to summon me to the Consistory, there to give an + account of the articles of my faith, and to excommunicate me should I + refuse to comply. This excommunication could not be pronounced without the + aid of the Consistory also, and a majority of the voices. But the + peasants, who under the appellation of elders, composed this assembly, + presided over and governed by their minister, might naturally be expected + to adopt his opinion, especially in matters of the clergy, which they + still less understood than he did. I was therefore summoned, and I + resolved to appear. + </p> + <p> + What a happy circumstance and triumph would this have been to me could I + have spoken, and had I, if I may so speak, had my pen in my mouth! With + what superiority, with what facility even, should I have overthrown this + poor minister in the midst of his six peasants! The thirst after power + having made the Protestant clergy forget all the principles of the + reformation, all I had to do to recall these to their recollection and to + reduce them to silence, was to make comments upon my first ‘Letters from + the Mountain’, upon which they had the folly to animadvert. + </p> + <p> + My text was ready, and I had only to enlarge on it, and my adversary was + confounded. I should not have been weak enough to remain on the defensive; + it was easy to me to become an assailant without his even perceiving it, + or being able to shelter himself from my attack. The contemptible priests + of the Classe, equally careless and ignorant, had of themselves placed me + in the most favorable situation I could desire to crush them at pleasure. + But what of this? It was necessary I should speak without hesitation, and + find ideas, turn of expression, and words at will, preserving a presence + of mind, and keeping myself collected, without once suffering even a + momentary confusion. For what could I hope, feeling as I did, my want of + aptitude to express myself with ease? I had been reduced to the most + mortifying silence at Geneva, before an assembly which was favorable to + me, and previously resolved to approve of everything I should say. Here, + on the contrary, I had to do with a cavalier who, substituting cunning to + knowledge, would spread for me a hundred snares before I could perceive + one of them, and was resolutely determined to catch me in an error let the + consequence be what it would. The more I examined the situation in which I + stood, the greater danger I perceived myself exposed to, and feeling the + impossibility of successfully withdrawing from it, I thought of another + expedient. I meditated a discourse which I intended to pronounce before + the Consistory, to exempt myself from the necessity of answering. The + thing was easy. I wrote the discourse and began to learn it by memory, + with an inconceivable ardor. Theresa laughed at hearing me mutter and + incessantly repeat the same phrases, while endeavoring to cram them into + my head. I hoped, at length, to remember what I had written: I knew the + chatelain as an officer attached to the service of the prince, would be + present at the Consistory, and that notwithstanding the manoeuvres and + bottles of Montmollin, most of the elders were well disposed towards me. I + had, moreover, in my favor, reason, truth, and justice, with the + protection of the king, the authority of the council of state, and the + good wishes of every real patriot, to whom the establishment of this + inquisition was threatening. In fine, everything contributed to encourage + me. + </p> + <p> + On the eve of the day appointed, I had my discourse by rote, and recited + it without missing a word. I had it in my head all night: in the morning I + had forgotten it. I hesitated at every word, thought myself before the + assembly, became confused, stammered, and lost my presence of mind. In + fine, when the time to make my appearance was almost at hand, my courage + totally failed me. I remained at home and wrote to the Consistory, hastily + stating my reasons, and pleaded my disorder, which really, in the state to + which apprehension had reduced me, would scarcely have permitted me to + stay out the whole sitting. + </p> + <p> + The minister, embarrassed by my letter, adjourned the Consistory. In the + interval, he of himself, and by his creatures, made a thousand efforts to + seduce the elders, who, following the dictates of their consciences, + rather than those they received from him, did not vote according to his + wishes, or those of the Classe. Whatever power his arguments drawn from + his cellar might have over this kind of people, he could not gain one of + them, more than the two or three who were already devoted to his will, and + who were called his ‘ames damnees’.—[damned souls]—The officer + of the prince, and the Colonel Pury, who, in this affair, acted with great + zeal, kept the rest to their duty, and when Montmollin wished to proceed + to excommunication, his Consistory, by a majority of voices, flatly + refused to authorize him to do it. Thus reduced to the last expedient, + that of stirring up the people against me, he, his colleagues, and other + persons, set about it openly, and were so successful, that + not-withstanding the strong and frequent rescripts of the king, and the + orders of the council of state, I was at length obliged to quit the + country, that I might not expose the officer of the king to be himself + assassinated while he protected me. + </p> + <p> + The recollection of the whole of this affair is so confused, that it is + impossible for me to reduce to or connect the circumstances of it. I + remember a kind of negotiation had been entered into with the Classe, in + which Montmollin was the mediator. He feigned to believe it was feared I + should, by my writings, disturb the peace of the country, in which case, + the liberty I had of writing would be blamed. He had given me to + understand that if I consented to lay down my pen, what was past would be + forgotten. I had already entered into this engagement with myself, and did + not hesitate in doing it with the Classe, but conditionally and solely in + matters of religion. He found means to have a duplicate of the agreement + upon some change necessary to be made in it, the condition having been + rejected by the Classe; I demanded back the writing, which was returned to + me, but he kept the duplicate, pretending it was lost. After this, the + people, openly excited by the ministers, laughed at the rescripts of the + king, and the orders of the council of state, and shook off all restraint. + I was declaimed against from the pulpit, called antichrist, and pursued in + the country like a mad wolf. My Armenian dress discovered me to the + populace; of this I felt the cruel inconvenience, but to quit it in such + circumstances, appeared to me an act of cowardice. I could not prevail + upon myself to do it, and I quietly walked through the country with my + caffetan and fur bonnet in the midst of the hootings of the dregs of the + people, and sometimes through a shower of stones. Several times as I + passed before houses, I heard those by whom they were inhabited call out: + “Bring me my gun that I may fire at him.” As I did not on this account + hasten my pace, my calmness increased their fury, but they never went + further than threats, at least with respect to firearms. + </p> + <p> + During the fermentation I received from two circumstances the most + sensible pleasure. The first was my having it in my power to prove my + gratitude by means of the lord marshal. The honest part of the inhabitants + of Neuchatel, full of indignation at the treatment I received, and the + manoeuvres of which I was the victim, held the ministers in execration, + clearly perceiving they were obedient to a foreign impulse, and the vile + agents of people, who, in making them act, kept themselves concealed; they + were moreover afraid my case would have dangerous consequences, and be + made a precedent for the purpose of establishing a real inquisition. + </p> + <p> + The magistrates, and especially M. Meuron, who had succeeded M. d’ + Ivernois in the office of attorney-general, made every effort to defend + me. Colonel Pury, although a private individual, did more and succeeded + better. It was the colonel who found means to make Montmollin submit in + his Consistory, by keeping the elders to their duty. He had credit, and + employed it to stop the sedition; but he had nothing more than the + authority of the laws, and the aid of justice and reason, to oppose to + that of money and wine: the combat was unequal, and in this point + Montmollin was triumphant. However, thankful for his zeal and cares, I + wished to have it in my power to make him a return of good offices, and in + some measure discharge a part of the obligations I was under to him. I + knew he was very desirous of being named a counsellor of state; but having + displeased the court by his conduct in the affair of the minister + Petitpierre, he was in disgrace with the prince and governor. I however + undertook, at all risks, to write to the lord marshal in his favor: I went + so far as even to mention the employment of which he was desirous, and my + application was so well received that, contrary to the expectations of his + most ardent well wishers, it was almost instantly conferred upon him by + the king. In this manner fate, which has constantly raised me to too great + an elevation, or plunged me into an abyss of adversity, continued to toss + me from one extreme to another, and whilst the populace covered me with + mud I was able to make a counsellor of state. + </p> + <p> + The other pleasing circumstance was a visit I received from Madam de + Verdelin with her daughter, with whom she had been at the baths of + Bourbonne, whence they came to Motiers and stayed with me two or three + days. By her attention and cares, she at length conquered my long + repugnancy; and my heart, won by her endearing manner, made her a return + of all the friendship of which she had long given me proofs. This journey + made me extremely sensible of her kindness: my situation rendered the + consolations of friendship highly necessary to support me under my + sufferings. I was afraid she would be too much affected by the insults I + received from the populace, and could have wished to conceal them from her + that her feelings might not be hurt, but this was impossible; and although + her presence was some check upon the insolent populace in our walks, she + saw enough of their brutality to enable her to judge of what passed when I + was alone. During the short residence she made at Motiers, I was still + attacked in my habitation. One morning her chambermaid found my window + blocked up with stones, which had been thrown at it during the night. A + very heavy bench placed in the street by the side of the house, and + strongly fastened down, was taken up and reared against the door in such a + manner as, had it not been perceived from the window, to have knocked down + the first person who should have opened the door to go out. Madam de + Verdelin was acquainted with everything that passed; for, besides what she + herself was witness to, her confidential servant went into many houses in + the village, spoke to everybody, and was seen in conversation with + Montmollin. She did not, however, seem to pay the least attention to that + which happened to me, nor never mentioned Montmollin nor any other person, + and answered in a few words to what I said to her of him. Persuaded that a + residence in England would be more agreeable to me than any other, she + frequently spoke of Mr. Hume who was then at Paris, of his friendship for + me, and the desire he had of being of service to me in his own country. It + is time I should say something of Hume. + </p> + <p> + He had acquired a great reputation in France amongst the Encyclopedists by + his essays on commerce and politics, and in the last place by his history + of the House of Stuart, the only one of his writings of which I had read a + part, in the translation of the Abbe Prevot. For want of being acquainted + with his other works, I was persuaded, according to what I heard of him, + that Mr. Hume joined a very republican mind to the English Paradoxes in + favor of luxury. In this opinion I considered his whole apology of Charles + I. as a prodigy of impartiality, and I had as great an idea of his virtue + as of his genius. The desire of being acquainted with this great man, and + of obtaining his friendship, had greatly strengthened the inclination I + felt to go to England, induced by the solicitations of Madam de Boufflers, + the intimate friend of Hume. After my arrival in Switzerland, I received + from him, by means of this lady, a letter extremely flattering; in which, + to the highest encomiums on my genius, he subjoined a pressing invitation + to induce me to go to England, and the offer of all his interest, and that + of his friends, to make my residence there agreeable. I found in the + country to which I had retired, the lord marshal, the countryman and + friend of Hume, who confirmed my good opinion of him, and from whom I + learned a literary anecdote, which did him great honor in the opinion of + his lordship and had the same effect in mine. Wallace, who had written + against Hume upon the subject of the population of the ancients, was + absent whilst his work was in the press. Hume took upon himself to examine + the proofs, and to do the needful to the edition. This manner of acting + was according to my way of thinking. I had sold at six sous (three pence) + a piece, the copies of a song written against myself. I was, therefore, + strongly prejudiced in favor of Hume, when Madam de Verdelin came and + mentioned the lively friendship he expressed for me, and his anxiety to do + me the honors of England; such was her expression. She pressed me a good + deal to take advantage of this zeal and to write to him. As I had not + naturally an inclination to England, and did not intend to go there until + the last extremity, I refused to write or make any promise; but I left her + at liberty to do whatever she should think necessary to keep Mr. Hume + favorably disposed towards me. When she went from Motiers, she left me in + the persuasion, by everything she had said to me of that illustrious man, + that he was my friend, and she herself still more his. + </p> + <p> + After her departure, Montmollin carried on his manoeuvres with more vigor, + and the populace threw off all restraint. Yet I still continued to walk + quietly amidst the hootings of the vulgar; and a taste for botany, which I + had begun to contract with Doctor d’Ivernois, making my rambling more + amusing, I went through the country herbalising, without being affected by + the clamors of this scum of the earth, whose fury was still augmented by + my calmness. What affected me most was, seeing families of my friends, or + of persons who gave themselves that name, openly join the league of my + persecutors; such as the D’Ivernois, without excepting the father and + brother of my Isabel le Boy de la Tour, a relation to the friend in whose + house I lodged, and Madam Girardier, her sister-in-law. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [This fatality had begun with my residence at Yverdon; the banneret + Roguin dying a year or two after my departure from that city, the + old papa Roguin had the candor to inform me with grief, as he said, + that in the papers of his relation, proofs had been found of his + having been concerned in the conspiracy to expel me from Yverdon and + the state of Berne. This clearly proved the conspiracy not to be, + as some people pretended to believe, an affair of hypocrisy; since + the banneret, far from being a devotee, carried materialism and + incredulity to intolerance and fanaticism. Besides, nobody at + Yverdon had shown me more constant attention, nor had so prodigally + bestowed upon me praises and flattery as this banneret. He + faithfully followed the favorite plan of my persecutors.] +</pre> + <p> + This Peter Boy was such a brute; so stupid, and behaved so uncouthly, + that, to prevent my mind from being disturbed, I took the liberty to + ridicule him; and after the manner of the ‘Petit Prophete’, I wrote a + pamphlet of a few pages, entitled, ‘la Vision de Pierre de la Montagne dit + le Voyant,—[The vision of Peter of the Mountain called the Seer.]—in + which I found means to be diverting enough on the miracles which then + served as the great pretext for my persecution. Du Peyrou had this scrap + printed at Geneva, but its success in the country was but moderate; the + Neuchatelois with all their wit, taste but weakly attic salt or pleasantry + when these are a little refined. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of decrees and persecutions, the Genevese had distinguished + themselves by setting up a hue and cry with all their might; and my friend + Vernes amongst others, with an heroical generosity, chose that moment + precisely to publish against me letters in which he pretended to prove I + was not a Christian. These letters, written with an air of + self-sufficiency, were not the better for it, although it was positively + said the celebrated Bonnet had given them some correction: for this man, + although a materialist, has an intolerant orthodoxy the moment I am in + question. There certainly was nothing in this work which could tempt me to + answer it; but having an opportunity of saying a few words upon it in my + ‘Letters from the Mountain’, I inserted in them a short note sufficiently + expressive of disdain to render Vernes furious. He filled Geneva with his + furious exclamations, and D’Ivernois wrote me word he had quite lost his + senses. Sometime afterwards appeared an anonymous sheet, which instead of + ink seemed to be written with water of Phlegethon. In this letter I was + accused of having exposed my children in the streets, of taking about with + me a soldier’s trull, of being worn out with debaucheries..., and other + fine things of a like nature. It was not difficult for me to discover the + author. My first idea on reading this libel, was to reduce to its real + value everything the world calls fame and reputation amongst men; seeing + thus a man who was never in a brothel in his life, and whose greatest + defect was in being as timid and shy as a virgin, treated as a frequenter + of places of that description; and in finding myself charged with + being......, I, who not only never had the least taint of such disorder, + but, according to the faculty, was so constructed as to make it almost + impossible for me to contract it. Everything well considered, I thought I + could not better refute this libel than by having it printed in the city + in which I longest resided, and with this intention I sent it to Duchesne + to print it as it was with an advertisement in which I named M. Vernes and + a few short notes by way of eclaircissement. Not satisfied with printing + it only, I sent copies to several persons, and amongst others one copy to + the Prince Louis of Wirtemberg, who had made me polite advances and with + whom I was in correspondence. The prince, Du Peyrou, and others, seemed to + have their doubts about the author of the libel, and blamed me for having + named Vernes upon so slight a foundation. Their remarks produced in me + some scruples, and I wrote to Duchesne to suppress the paper. Guy wrote to + me he had suppressed it: this may or may not be the case; I have been + deceived on so many occasions that there would be nothing extraordinary in + my being so on this, and from the time of which I speak, was so enveloped + in profound darkness that it was impossible for me to come at any kind of + truth. + </p> + <p> + M. Vernes bore the imputation with a moderation more than astonishing in a + man who was supposed not to have deserved it, and after the fury with + which he was seized on former occasions. He wrote me two or three letters + in very guarded terms, with a view, as it appeared to me, to endeavor by + my answers to discover how far I was certain of his being the author of + the paper, and whether or not I had any proofs against him. I wrote him + two short answers, severe in the sense, but politely expressed, and with + which he was not displeased. To his third letter, perceiving he wished to + form with me a kind of correspondence, I returned no answer, and he got + D’Ivernois to speak to me. Madam Cramer wrote to Du Peyrou, telling him + she was certain the libel was not by Vernes. This however, did not make me + change my opinion. But as it was possible I might be deceived, and as it + is certain that if I were, I owed Vernes an explicit reparation, I sent + him word by D’Ivernois that I would make him such a one as he should think + proper, provided he would name to me the real author of the libel, or at + least prove that he himself was not so. I went further: feeling that, + after all, were he not culpable, I had no right to call upon him for + proofs of any kind, I stated in a memoir of considerable length, the + reasons whence I had inferred my conclusion, and determined to submit them + to the judgment of an arbitrator, against whom Vernes could not except. + But few people would guess the arbitrator of whom I made choice. I + declared at the end of the memoir, that if, after having examined it, and + made such inquiries as should seem necessary, the council pronounced M. + Vernes not to be the author of the libel, from that moment I should be + fully persuaded he was not, and would immediately go and throw myself at + his feet, and ask his pardon until I had obtained it. I can say with the + greatest truth that my ardent zeal for equity, the uprightness and + generosity of my heart, and my confidence in the love of justice innate in + every mind never appeared more fully and perceptible than in this wise and + interesting memoir, in which I took, without hesitation, my most + implacable enemies for arbitrators between a calumniator and myself. I + read to Du Peyrou what I had written: he advised me to suppress it, and I + did so. He wished me to wait for the proofs Vernes promised, and I am + still waiting for them: he thought it best that I should in the meantime + be silent, and I held my tongue, and shall do so the rest of my life, + censured as I am for having brought against Vernes a heavy imputation, + false and unsupportable by proof, although I am still fully persuaded, + nay, as convinced as I am of my existence, that he is the author of the + libel. My memoir is in the hands of Du Peyrou. Should it ever be published + my reasons will be found in it, and the heart of Jean Jacques, with which + my contemporaries would not be acquainted, will I hope be known. + </p> + <p> + I have now to proceed to my catastrophe at Motiers, and to my departure + from Val de Travers, after a residence of two years and a half, and an + eight months suffering with unshaken constancy of the most unworthy + treatment. It is impossible for me clearly to recollect the circumstances + of this disagreeable period, but a detail of them will be found in a + publication to that effect by Du Peyrou, of which I shall hereafter have + occasion to speak. + </p> + <p> + After the departure of Madam de Verdelin the fermentation increased, and, + notwithstanding the reiterated rescripts of the king, the frequent orders + of the council of state, and the cares of the chatelain and magistrates of + the place, the people, seriously considering me as antichrist, and + perceiving all their clamors to be of no effect, seemed at length + determined to proceed to violence; stones were already thrown after me in + the roads, but I was however in general at too great a distance to receive + any harm from them. At last, in the night of the fair of Motiers, which is + in the beginning of September, I was attacked in my habitation in such a + manner as to endanger the lives of everybody in the house. + </p> + <p> + At midnight I heard a great noise in the gallery which ran along the back + part of the house. A shower of stones thrown against the window and the + door which opened to the gallery fell into it with so much noise and + violence, that my dog, which usually slept there, and had begun to bark, + ceased from fright, and ran into a corner gnawing and scratching the + planks to endeavor to make his escape. I immediately rose, and was + preparing to go from my chamber into the kitchen, when a stone thrown by a + vigorous arm crossed the latter, after having broken the window, forced + open the door of my chamber, and fell at my feet, so that had I been a + moment sooner upon the floor I should have had the stone against my + stomach. I judged the noise had been made to bring me to the door, and the + stone thrown to receive me as I went out. I ran into the kitchen, where I + found Theresa, who also had risen, and was tremblingly making her way to + me as fast as she could. We placed ourselves against the wall out of the + direction of the window to avoid the stones, and deliberate upon what was + best to be done; for going out to call assistance was the certain means of + getting ourselves knocked on the head. Fortunately the maid-servant of an + old man who lodged under me was waked by the noise, and got up and ran to + call the chatelain, whose house was next to mine. He jumped from his bed, + put on his robe de chambre, and instantly came to me with the guard, + which, on account of the fair, went the round that night, and was just at + hand. The chatelain was so alarmed at the sight of the effects of what had + happened that he turned pale and on seeing the stones in the gallery, + exclaimed, “Good God! here is a quarry!” On examining below stairs, a door + of a little court was found to have been forced, and there was an + appearance of an attempt having been made to get into the house by the + gallery. On inquiring the reason why the guard had neither prevented nor + perceived the disturbance, it came out that the guards of Motiers had + insisted upon doing duty that night, although it was the turn of those of + another village. + </p> + <p> + The next day the chatelain sent his report to the council of state, which + two days afterwards sent an order to inquire into the affair, to promise a + reward and secrecy to those who should impeach such as were guilty, and in + the meantime to place, at the expense of the king, guards about my house, + and that of the chatelain, which joined to it. The day after the + disturbance, Colonel Pury, the Attorney-General Meuron, the Chatelain + Martinet, the Receiver Guyenet, the Treasurer d’Ivernois and his father, + in a word, every person of consequence in the country, came to see me, and + united their solicitations to persuade me to yield to the storm and leave, + at least for a time, a place in which I could no longer live in safety nor + with honor. I perceived that even the chatelain was frightened at the fury + of the people, and apprehending it might extend to himself, would be glad + to see me depart as soon as possible, that he might no longer have the + trouble of protecting me there, and be able to quit the parish, which he + did after my departure. I therefore yielded to their solicitations, and + this with but little pain, for the hatred of the people so afflicted my + heart that I was no longer able to support it. + </p> + <p> + I had a choice of places to retire to. After Madam de Verdelin returned to + Paris, she had, in several letters, mentioned a Mr. Walpole, whom she + called my lord, who, having a strong desire to serve me, proposed to me an + asylum at one of his country houses, of the situation of which she gave me + the most agreeable description; entering, relative to lodging and + subsistence, into a detail which proved she and Lord Walpole had held + particular consultations upon the project. My lord marshal had always + advised me to go to England or Scotland, and in case of my determining + upon the latter, offered me there an asylum. But he offered me another at + Potsdam, near to his person, and which tempted me more than all the rest. + </p> + <p> + He had just communicated to me what the king had said to him about my + going there, which was a kind of invitation to me from that monarch, and + the Duchess of Saxe-Gotha depended so much upon my taking the journey that + she wrote to me desiring I should go to see her in my way to the court of + Prussia, and stay some time before I proceeded farther; but I was so + attached to Switzerland that I could not resolve to quit it so long as it + was possible for me to live there, and I seized this opportunity to + execute a project of which I had for several months conceived the idea, + and of which I have deferred speaking, that I might not interrupt my + narrative. + </p> + <p> + This project consisted in going to reside in the island of St. Peter, an + estate belonging to the Hospital of Berne, in the middle of the lake of + Bienne. In a pedestrian pilgrimage I had made the preceding year with Du + Peyrou we had visited this isle, with which I was so much delighted that I + had since that time incessantly thought of the means of making it my place + of residence. The greatest obstacle to my wishes arose from the property + of the island being vested in the people of Berne, who three years before + had driven me from amongst them; and besides the mortification of + returning to live with people who had given me so unfavorable a reception, + I had reason to fear they would leave me no more at peace in the island + than they had done at Yverdon. I had consulted the lord marshal upon the + subject, who thinking as I did, that the people of Berne would be glad to + see me banished to the island, and to keep me there as a hostage for the + works I might be tempted to write, and sounded their dispositions by means + of M. Sturler, his old neighbor at Colombier. M. Sturler addressed himself + to the chiefs of the state, and, according to their answer assured the + marshal the Bernois, sorry for their past behavior, wished to see me + settled in the island of St. Peter, and to leave me there at peace. As an + additional precaution, before I determined to reside there, I desired the + Colonel Chaillet to make new inquiries. He confirmed what I had already + heard, and the receiver of the island having obtained from his superiors + permission to lodge me in it, I thought I might without danger go to the + house, with the tacit consent of the sovereign and the proprietors; for I + could not expect the people of Berne would openly acknowledge the + injustice they had done me, and thus act contrary to the most inviolable + maxim of all sovereigns. + </p> + <p> + The island of St. Peter, called at Neuchatel the island of La Motte, in + the middle of the lake of Bienne, is half a league in circumference; but + in this little space all the chief productions necessary to subsistence + are found. The island has fields, meadows, orchards, woods, and vineyards, + and all these, favored by variegated and mountainous situations, form a + distribution of the more agreeable, as the parts, not being discovered all + at once, are seen successively to advantage, and make the island appear + greater than it really is. A very elevated terrace forms the western part + of it, and commands Gleresse and Neuverville. This terrace is planted with + trees which form a long alley, interrupted in the middle by a great + saloon, in which, during the vintage, the people from the neighboring + shores assemble and divert themselves. There is but one house in the whole + island, but that is very spacious and convenient, inhabited by the + receiver, and situated in a hollow by which it is sheltered from the + winds. + </p> + <p> + Five or six hundred paces to the south of the island of St. Peter is + another island, considerably less than the former, wild and uncultivated, + which appears to have been detached from the greater island by storms: its + gravelly soil produces nothing but willows and persicaria, but there is in + it a high hill well covered with greensward and very pleasant. The form of + the lake is an almost regular oval. The banks, less rich than those of the + lake of Geneva and Neuchatel, form a beautiful decoration, especially + towards the western part, which is well peopled, and edged with vineyards + at the foot of a chain of mountains, something like those of Cote-Rotie, + but which produce not such excellent wine. The bailiwick of St. John, + Neuveville, Berne, and Bienne, lie in a line from the south to the north, + to the extremity of the lake, the whole interspersed with very agreeable + villages. + </p> + <p> + Such was the asylum I had prepared for myself, and to which I was + determined to retire after quitting Val de Travers. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + [It may perhaps be necessary to remark that I left there an enemy in + M. du Teneaux, mayor of Verrieres, not much esteemed in the country, + but who has a brother, said to be an honest man, in the office of M. + de St. Florentin. The mayor had been to see him some time before my + adventure. Little remarks of this kind, though of no consequence, + in themselves, may lead to the discovery of many underhand + dealings.] +</pre> + <p> + This choice was so agreeable to my peaceful inclinations, and my solitary + and indolent disposition, that I consider it as one of the pleasing + reveries of which I became the most passionately fond. I thought I should + in that island be more separated from men, more sheltered from their + outrages, and sooner forgotten by mankind: in a word, more abandoned to + the delightful pleasures of the inaction of a contemplative life. I could + have wished to have been confined in it in such a manner as to have had no + intercourse with mortals, and I certainly took every measure I could + imagine to relieve me from the necessity of troubling my head about them. + </p> + <p> + The great question was that of subsistence, and by the dearness of + provisions, and the difficulty of carriage, this is expensive in the + island; the inhabitants are besides at the mercy of the receiver. This + difficulty was removed by an arrangement which Du Peyrou made with me in + becoming a substitute to the company which had undertaken and abandoned my + general edition. I gave him all the materials necessary, and made the + proper arrangement and distribution. To the engagement between us I added + that of giving him the memoirs of my life, and made him the general + depositary of all my papers, under the express condition of making no use + of them until after my death, having it at heart quietly to end my days + without doing anything which should again bring me back to the + recollection of the public. The life annuity he undertook to pay me was + sufficient to my subsistence. My lord marshal having recovered all his + property, had offered me twelve hundred livres (fifty pounds) a year, half + of which I accepted. He wished to send me the principal, and this I + refused on account of the difficulty of placing it. He then sent the + amount to Du Peyrou, in whose hands it remained, and who pays me the + annuity according to the terms agreed upon with his lordship. Adding + therefore to the result of my agreement with Du Peyrou, the annuity of the + marshal, two-thirds of which were reversible to Theresa after my death, + and the annuity of three hundred livres from Duchesne, I was assured of a + genteel subsistence for myself, and after me for Theresa, to whom I left + seven hundred livres (twenty-nine pounds) a year, from the annuities paid + me by Rey and the lord marshal; I had therefore no longer to fear a want + of bread. But it was ordained that honor should oblige me to reject all + these resources which fortune and my labors placed within my reach, and + that I should die as poor as I had lived. It will be seen whether or not, + without reducing myself to the last degree of infamy, I could abide by the + engagements which care has always taken to render ignominious, by + depriving me of every other resource to force me to consent to my own + dishonor. How was it possible anybody could doubt of the choice I should + make in such an alternative? Others have judged of my heart by their own. + </p> + <p> + My mind at ease relative to subsistence was without care upon every other + subject. Although I left in the world the field open to my enemies, there + remained in the noble enthusiasm by which my writings were dictated, and + in the constant uniformity of my principles, an evidence of the + uprightness of my heart which answered to that deducible from my conduct + in favor of my natural disposition. I had no need of any other defense + against my calumniators. They might under my name describe another man, + but it was impossible they should deceive such as were unwilling to be + imposed upon. I could have given them my whole life to animadvert upon, + with a certainty, notwithstanding all my faults and weaknesses, and my + want of aptitude to support the lightest yoke, of their finding me in + every situation a just and good man, without bitterness, hatred, or + jealousy, ready to acknowledge my errors, and still more prompt to forget + the injuries I received from others; seeking all my happiness in love, + friendship, and affection, and in everything carrying my sincerity even to + imprudence and the most incredible disinterestedness. + </p> + <p> + I therefore in some measure took leave of the age in which I lived and my + contemporaries, and bade adieu to the world, with an intention to confine + myself for the rest of my days to that island; such was my resolution, and + it was there I hoped to execute the great project of the indolent life to + which I had until then consecrated the little activity with which Heaven + had endowed me. The island was to become to me that of Papimanie, that + happy country where the inhabitants sleep: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + On n’y fait plus, on n’y fait nulle chose. + + [There they do no more: there they do nothing.] +</pre> + <p> + This ‘no more’ was everything for me, for I never much regretted sleep; + indolence is sufficient to my happiness, and provided I do nothing, I had + rather dream waking than asleep. Being past the age of romantic projects, + and having been more stunned than flattered by the trumpet of fame, my + only hope was that of living at ease, and constantly at leisure. This is + the life of the blessed in the world to come, and for the rest of mine + here below I made it my supreme happiness. + </p> + <p> + They who reproach me with so many contradictions, will not fail here to + add another to the number. I have observed the indolence of great + companies made them unsupportable to me, and I am now seeking solitude for + the sole purpose of abandoning myself to inaction. This however is my + disposition; if there be in it a contradiction, it proceeds from nature + and not from me; but there is so little that it is precisely on that + account that I am always consistent. The indolence of company is + burdensome because it is forced. That of solitude is charming because it + is free, and depends upon the will. In company I suffer cruelly by + inaction, because this is of necessity. I must there remain nailed to my + chair, or stand upright like a picket, without stirring hand or foot, not + daring to run, jump, sing, exclaim, nor gesticulate when I please, not + allowed even to dream, suffering at the same time the fatigue of inaction + and all the torment of constraint; obliged to pay attention to every + foolish thing uttered, and to all the idle compliments paid, and + constantly to keep my mind upon the rack that I may not fail to introduce + in my turn my jest or my lie. And this is called idleness! It is the labor + of a galley slave. + </p> + <p> + The indolence I love is not that of a lazy fellow who sits with his arms + across in total inaction, and thinks no more than he acts, but that of a + child which is incessantly in motion doing nothing, and that of a dotard + who wanders from his subject. I love to amuse myself with trifles, by + beginning a hundred things and never finishing one of them, by going or + coming as I take either into my head, by changing my project at every + instant, by following a fly through all its windings, in wishing to + overturn a rock to see what is under it, by undertaking with ardor the + work of ten years, and abandoning it without regret at the end of ten + minutes; finally, in musing from morning until night without order or + coherence, and in following in everything the caprice of a moment. + </p> + <p> + Botany, such as I have always considered it, and of which after my own + manner I began to become passionately fond, was precisely an idle study, + proper to fill up the void of my leisure, without leaving room for the + delirium of imagination or the weariness of total inaction. Carelessly + wandering in the woods and the country, mechanically gathering here a + flower and there a branch; eating my morsel almost by chance, observing a + thousand and a thousand times the same things, and always with the same + interest, because I always forgot them, were to me the means of passing an + eternity without a weary moment. However elegant, admirable, and + variegated the structure of plants may be, it does not strike an ignorant + eye sufficiently to fix the attention. The constant analogy, with, at the + same time, the prodigious variety which reigns in their conformation, + gives pleasure to those only who have already some idea of the vegetable + system. Others at the sight of these treasures of nature feel nothing more + than a stupid and monotonous admiration. They see nothing in detail + because they know not for what to look, nor do they perceive the whole, + having no idea of the chain of connection and combinations which + overwhelms with its wonders the mind of the observer. I was arrived at + that happy point of knowledge, and my want of memory was such as + constantly to keep me there, that I knew little enough to make the whole + new to me, and yet everything that was necessary to make me sensible to + the beauties of all the parts. The different soils into which the island, + although little, was divided, offered a sufficient variety of plants, for + the study and amusement of my whole life. I was determined not to leave a + blade of grass without analyzing it, and I began already to take measures + for making, with an immense collection of observations, the ‘Flora + Petrinsularis’. + </p> + <p> + I sent for Theresa, who brought with her my books and effects. We boarded + with the receiver of the island. His wife had sisters at Nidau, who by + turns came to see her, and were company for Theresa. I here made the + experiment of the agreeable life which I could have wished to continue to + the end of my days, and the pleasure I found in it only served to make me + feel to a greater degree the bitterness of that by which it was shortly to + be succeeded. + </p> + <p> + I have ever been passionately fond of water, and the sight of it throws me + into a delightful reverie, although frequently without a determinate + object. + </p> + <p> + Immediately after I rose from my bed I never failed, if the weather was + fine, to run to the terrace to respire the fresh and salubrious air of the + morning, and glide my eye over the horizon of the lake, bounded by banks + and mountains, delightful to the view. I know no homage more worthy of the + divinity than the silent admiration excited by the contemplation of his + works, and which is not externally expressed. I can easily comprehend the + reason why the inhabitants of great cities, who see nothing but walls, and + streets, have but little faith; but not whence it happens that people in + the country, and especially such as live in solitude, can possibly be + without it. How comes it to pass that these do not a hundred times a day + elevate their minds in ecstasy to the Author of the wonders which strike + their senses. For my part, it is especially at rising, wearied by a want + of sleep, that long habit inclines me to this elevation which imposes not + the fatigue of thinking. But to this effect my eyes must be struck with + the ravishing beauties of nature. In my chamber I pray less frequently, + and not so fervently; but at the view of a fine landscape I feel myself + moved, but by what I am unable to tell. I have somewhere read of a wise + bishop who in a visit to his diocese found an old woman whose only prayer + consisted in the single interjection “Oh!”—“Good mother,” said he to + her, “continue to pray in this manner; your prayer is better than ours.” + This better prayer is mine also. + </p> + <p> + After breakfast, I hastened, with a frown on my brow, to write a few + pitiful letters, longing ardently for the moment after which I should have + no more to write. I busied myself for a few minutes about my books and + papers, to unpack and arrange them, rather than to read what they + contained; and this arrangement, which to me became the work of Penelope, + gave me the pleasure of musing for a while. I then grew weary, and quitted + my books to spend the three or four hours which remained to me of the + morning in the study of botany, and especially of the system of Linnaeus, + of which I became so passionately fond, that, after having felt how + useless my attachment to it was, I yet could not entirely shake it off. + This great observer is, in my opinion, the only one who, with Ludwig, has + hitherto considered botany as a naturalist, and a philosopher; but he has + too much studied it in herbals and gardens, and not sufficiently in nature + herself. For my part, whose garden was always the whole island, the moment + I wanted to make or verify an observation, I ran into the woods or meadows + with my book under my arm, and there laid myself upon the ground near the + plant in question, to examine it at my ease as it stood. This method was + of great service to me in gaining a knowledge of vegetables in their + natural state, before they had been cultivated and changed in their nature + by the hands of men. Fagon, first physician to Louis XIV., and who named + and perfectly knew all the plants in the royal garden, is said to have + been so ignorant in the country as not to know how to distinguish the same + plants. I am precisely the contrary. I know something of the work of + nature, but nothing of that of the gardener. + </p> + <p> + I gave every afternoon totally up to my indolent and careless disposition, + and to following without regularity the impulse of the moment. When the + weather was calm, I frequently went immediately after I rose from dinner, + and alone got into the boat. The receiver had taught me to row with one + oar; I rowed out into the middle of the lake. The moment I withdrew from + the bank, I felt a secret joy which almost made me leap, and of which it + is impossible for me to tell or even comprehend the cause, if it were not + a secret congratulation on my being out of the reach of the wicked. I + afterwards rowed about the lake, sometimes approaching the opposite bank, + but never touching at it. I often let my boat float at the mercy of the + wind and water, abandoning myself to reveries without object, and which + were not the less agreeable for their stupidity. I sometimes exclaimed, “O + nature! O my mother! I am here under thy guardianship alone; here is no + deceitful and cunning mortal to interfere between thee and me.” In this + manner I withdrew half a league from land; I could have wished the lake + had been the ocean. However, to please my poor dog, who was not so fond as + I was of such a long stay on the water, I commonly followed one constant + course; this was going to land at the little island where I walked an hour + or two, or laid myself down on the grass on the summit of the hill, there + to satiate myself with the pleasure of admiring the lake and its environs, + to examine and dissect all the herbs within my reach, and, like another + Robinson Crusoe, built myself an imaginary place of residence in the + island. I became very much attached to this eminence. When I brought + Theresa, with the wife of the receiver and her sisters, to walk there, how + proud was I to be their pilot and guide! We took there rabbits to stock + it. This was another source of pleasure to Jean Jacques. These animals + rendered the island still more interesting to me. I afterwards went to it + more frequently, and with greater pleasure to observe the progress of the + new inhabitants. + </p> + <p> + To these amusements I added one which recalled to my recollection the + delightful life I led at the Charmettes, and to which the season + particularly invited me. This was assisting in the rustic labors of + gathering of roots and fruits, of which Theresa and I made it a pleasure + to partake with the wife of the receiver and his family. I remember a + Bernois, one M. Kirkeberguer, coming to see me, found me perched upon a + tree with a sack fastened to my waist, and already so full of apples that + I could not stir from the branch on which I stood. I was not sorry to be + caught in this and similar situations. I hoped the people of Berne, + witnesses to the employment of my leisure, would no longer think of + disturbing my tranquillity but leave me at peace in my solitude. I should + have preferred being confined there by their desire: this would have + rendered the continuation of my repose more certain. + </p> + <p> + This is another declaration upon which I am previously certain of the + incredulity of many of my readers, who obstinately continue to judge me by + themselves, although they cannot but have seen, in the course of my life, + a thousand internal affections which bore no resemblance to any of theirs. + But what is still more extraordinary is, that they refuse me every + sentiment, good or indifferent, which they have not, and are constantly + ready to attribute to me such bad ones as cannot enter into the heart of + man: in this case they find it easy to set me in opposition to nature, and + to make of me such a monster as cannot in reality exist. Nothing absurd + appears to them incredible, the moment it has a tendency to blacken me, + and nothing in the least extraordinary seems to them possible, if it tends + to do me honor. + </p> + <p> + But, notwithstanding what they may think or say, I will still continue + faithfully to state what J. J. Rousseau was, did, and thought; without + explaining, or justifying, the singularity of his sentiments and ideas, or + endeavoring to discover whether or not others have thought as he did. I + became so delighted with the island of St. Peter, and my residence there + was so agreeable to me that, by concentrating all my desires within it, I + formed the wish that I might stay there to the end of my life. The visits + I had to return in the neighborhood, the journeys I should be under the + necessity of making to Neuchatel, Bienne, Yverdon, and Nidau, already + fatigued my imagination. A day passed out of the island, seemed to me a + loss of so much happiness, and to go beyond the bounds of the lake was to + go out of my element. Past experience had besides rendered me + apprehensive. The very satisfaction that I received from anything whatever + was sufficient to make me fear the loss of it, and the ardent desire I had + to end my days in that island, was inseparable from the apprehension of + being obliged to leave it. I had contracted a habit of going in the + evening to sit upon the sandy shore, especially when the lake was + agitated. I felt a singular pleasure in seeing the waves break at my feet. + I formed of them in my imagination the image of the tumult of the world + contrasted with the peace of my habitation; and this pleasing idea + sometimes softened me even to tears. The repose I enjoyed with ecstasy was + disturbed by nothing but the fear of being deprived of it, and this + inquietude was accompanied with some bitterness. I felt my situation so + precarious as not to dare to depend upon its continuance. “Ah! how + willingly,” said I to myself, “would I renounce the liberty of quitting + this place, for which I have no desire, for the assurance of always + remaining in it. Instead of being permitted to stay here by favor, why am + I not detained by force! They who suffer me to remain may in a moment + drive me away, and can I hope my persecutors, seeing me happy, will leave + me here to continue to be so? Permitting me to live in the island is but a + trifling favor. I could wish to be condemned to do it, and constrained to + remain here that I may not be obliged to go elsewhere.” I cast an envious + eye upon Micheli du Cret, who, quiet in the castle of Arbourg, had only to + determine to be happy to become so. In fine, by abandoning myself to these + reflections, and the alarming apprehensions of new storms always ready to + break over my head, I wished for them with an incredible ardor, and that + instead of suffering me to reside in the island, the Bernois would give it + me for a perpetual prison; and I can assert that had it depended upon me + to get myself condemned to this, I would most joyfully have done it, + preferring a thousand times the necessity of passing my life there to the + danger of being driven to another place. + </p> + <p> + This fear did not long remain on my mind. When I least expected what was + to happen, I received a letter from the bailiff of Nidau, within whose + jurisdiction the island of St. Peter was; by his letter he announced to me + from their excellencies an order to quit the island and their states. I + thought myself in a dream. Nothing could be less natural, reasonable, or + foreseen than such an order: for I considered my apprehensions as the + result of inquietude in a man whose imagination was disturbed by his + misfortunes, and not to proceed from a foresight which could have the + least foundation. The measures I had taken to insure myself the tacit + consent of the sovereign, the tranquillity with which I had been left to + make my establishment, the visits of several people from Berne, and that + of the bailiff himself, who had shown me such friendship and attention, + and the rigor of the season in which it was barbarous to expel a man who + was sickly and infirm, all these circumstances made me and many people + believe that there was some mistake in the order and that ill-disposed + people had purposely chosen the time of the vintage and the vacation of + the senate suddenly to do me an injury. + </p> + <p> + Had I yielded to the first impulse of my indignation, I should immediately + have departed. But to what place was I to go? What was to become of me at + the beginning of the winter, without object, preparation, guide or + carriage? Not to leave my papers and effects at the mercy of the first + comer, time was necessary to make proper arrangements, and it was not + stated in the order whether or not this would be granted me. The + continuance of misfortune began to weigh down my courage. For the first + time in my life I felt my natural haughtiness stoop to the yoke of + necessity, and, notwithstanding the murmurs of my heart, I was obliged to + demean myself by asking for a delay. I applied to M. de Graffenried, who + had sent me the order, for an explanation of it. His letter, conceived in + the strongest terms of disapprobation of the step that had been taken, + assured me it was with the greatest regret he communicated to me the + nature of it, and the expressions of grief and esteem it contained seemed + so many gentle invitations to open to him my heart: I did so. I had no + doubt but my letter would open the eyes of my persecutors, and that if so + cruel an order was not revoked, at least a reasonable delay, perhaps the + whole winter, to make the necessary preparations for my retreat, and to + choose a place of abode, would be granted me. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I waited for an answer, I reflected upon my situation, and + deliberated upon the steps I had to take. I perceived so many difficulties + on all sides, the vexation I had suffered had so strongly affected me, and + my health was then in such a bad state, that I was quite overcome, and the + effect of my discouragement was to deprive me of the little resource which + remained in my mind, by which I might, as well as it was possible to do + it, have withdrawn myself from my melancholy situation. In whatever asylum + I should take refuge, it appeared impossible to avoid either of the two + means made use of to expel me. One of which was to stir up against me the + populace by secret manoeuvres; and the other to drive me away by open + force, without giving a reason for so doing. I could not, therefore, + depend upon a safe retreat, unless I went in search of it farther than my + strength and the season seemed likely to permit. These circumstances again + bringing to my recollection the ideas which had lately occurred to me, I + wished my persecutors to condemn me to perpetual imprisonment rather than + oblige me incessantly to wander upon the earth, by successively expelling + me from the asylums of which I should make choice: and to this effect I + made them a proposal. Two days after my first letter to M. de Graffenried, + I wrote him a second, desiring he would state what I had proposed to their + excellencies. The answer from Berne to both was an order, conceived in the + most formal and severe terms, to go out of the island, and leave every + territory, mediate and immediate of the republic, within the space of + twenty-four hours, and never to enter them again under the most grievous + penalties. + </p> + <p> + This was a terrible moment. I have since that time felt greater anguish, + but never have I been more embarrassed. What afflicted me most was being + forced to abandon the project which had made me desirous to pass the + winter in the island. It is now time I should relate the fatal anecdote + which completed my disasters, and involved in my ruin an unfortunate + people, whose rising virtues already promised to equal those of Rome and + Sparta, I had spoken of the Corsicans in the ‘Social Contract’ as a new + people, the only nation in Europe not too worn out for legislation, and + had expressed the great hope there was of such a people, if it were + fortunate enough to have a wise legislator. My work was read by some of + the Corsicans, who were sensible of the honorable manner in which I had + spoken of them; and the necessity under which they found themselves of + endeavoring to establish their republic, made their chiefs think of asking + me for my ideas upon the subject. M. Buttafuoco, of one of the first + families in the country, and captain in France, in the Royal Italians, + wrote to me to that effect, and sent me several papers for which I had + asked to make myself acquainted with the history of the nation and the + state of the country. M. Paoli, also, wrote to me several times, and + although I felt such an undertaking to be superior to my abilities; I + thought I could not refuse to give my assistance to so great and noble a + work, the moment I should have acquired all the necessary information. It + was to this effect I answered both these gentlemen, and the correspondence + lasted until my departure. + </p> + <p> + Precisely at the same time, I heard that France was sending troops to + Corsica, and that she had entered into a treaty with the Genoese. This + treaty and sending of troops gave me uneasiness, and, without imagining I + had any further relation with the business, I thought it impossible and + the attempt ridiculous, to labor at an undertaking which required such + undisturbed tranquillity as the political institution of a people in the + moment when perhaps they were upon the point of being subjugated. I did + not conceal my fears from M. Buttafuoco, who rather relieved me from them + by the assurance that, were there in the treaty things contrary to the + liberty of his country, a good citizen like himself would not remain as he + did in the service of France. In fact, his zeal for the legislation of the + Corsicans, and his connections with M. Paoli, could not leave a doubt on + my mind respecting him; and when I heard he made frequent journeys to + Versailles and Fontainebleau, and had conversations with M. de Choiseul, + all I concluded from the whole was, that with respect to the real + intentions of France he had assurances which he gave me to understand, but + concerning which he did not choose openly to explain himself by letter. + </p> + <p> + This removed a part of my apprehensions. Yet, as I could not comprehend + the meaning of the transportation of troops from France, nor reasonably + suppose they were sent to Corsica to protect the liberty of the + inhabitants, which they of themselves were very well able to defend + against the Genoese, I could neither make myself perfectly easy, nor + seriously undertake the plan of the proposed legislation, until I had + solid proofs that the whole was serious, and that the parties meant not to + trifle with me. I much wished for an interview with M. Buttafuoco, as that + was certainly the best means of coming at the explanation I wished. Of + this he gave me hopes, and I waited for it with the greatest impatience. I + know not whether he really intended me any interview or not; but had this + even been the case, my misfortunes would have prevented me from profiting + by it. + </p> + <p> + The more I considered the proposed undertaking, and the further I advanced + in the examination of the papers I had in my hands, the greater I found + the necessity of studying, in the country, the people for whom + institutions were to be made, the soil they inhabited, and all the + relative circumstances by which it was necessary to appropriate to them + that institution. I daily perceived more clearly the impossibility of + acquiring at a distance all the information necessary to guide me. This I + wrote to M. Buttafuoco, and he felt as I did. Although I did not form the + precise resolution of going to Corsica. I considered a good deal of the + means necessary to make that voyage. I mentioned it to M. Dastier, who + having formerly served in the island under M. de Maillebois, was + necessarily acquainted with it. He used every effort to dissuade me from + this intention, and I confess the frightful description he gave me of the + Corsicans and their country, considerably abated the desire I had of going + to live amongst them. + </p> + <p> + But when the persecutions of Motiers made me think of quitting + Switzerland, this desire was again strengthened by the hope of at length + finding amongst these islanders the repose refused me in every other + place. One thing only alarmed me, which was my unfitness for the active + life to which I was going to be condemned, and the aversion I had always + had to it. My disposition, proper for meditating at leisure and in + solitude, was not so for speaking and acting, and treating of affairs with + men. Nature, which had endowed me with the first talent, had refused me + the last. Yet I felt that, even without taking a direct and active part in + public affairs, I should as soon as I was in Corsica, be under the + necessity of yielding to the desires of the people, and of frequently + conferring with the chiefs. The object even of the voyage required that, + instead of seeking retirement, I should in the heart of the country + endeavor to gain the information of which I stood in need. It was certain + that I should no longer be master of my own time, and that, in spite of + myself, precipitated into the vortex in which I was not born to move, I + should there lead a life contrary to my inclination, and never appear but + to disadvantage. I foresaw that ill-supporting by my presence the opinion + my books might have given the Corsicans of my capacity, I should lose my + reputation amongst them, and, as much to their prejudice as my own, be + deprived of the confidence they had in me, without which, however, I could + not successfully produce the work they expected from my pen. I am certain + that, by thus going out of my sphere, I should become useless to the + inhabitants, and render myself unhappy. + </p> + <p> + Tormented, beaten by storms from every quarter, and, for several years + past, fatigued by journeys and persecution, I strongly felt a want of the + repose of which my barbarous enemies wantonly deprived me: I sighed more + than ever after that delicious indolence, that soft tranquillity of body + and mind, which I had so much desired, and to which, now that I had + recovered from the chimeras of love and friendship, my heart limited its + supreme felicity. I viewed with terror the work I was about to undertake; + the tumultuous life into which I was to enter made me tremble, and if the + grandeur, beauty, and utility of the object animated my courage, the + impossibility of conquering so many difficulties entirely deprived me of + it. + </p> + <p> + Twenty years of profound meditation in solitude would have been less + painful to me than an active life of six months in the midst of men and + public affairs, with a certainty of not succeeding in my undertaking. + </p> + <p> + I thought of an expedient which seemed proper to obviate every difficulty. + Pursued by the underhand dealings of my secret persecutors to every place + in which I took refuge, and seeing no other except Corsica where I could + in my old days hope for the repose I had until then been everywhere + deprived of, I resolved to go there with the directions of M. Buttafuoco + as soon as this was possible, but to live there in tranquillity; + renouncing, in appearance, everything relative to legislation, and, in + some measure, to make my hosts a return for their hospitality, to confine + myself to writing in the country the history of the Corsicans, with a + reserve in my own mind of the intention of secretly acquiring the + necessary information to become more useful to them should I see a + probability of success. In this manner, by not entering into an + engagement, I hoped to be enabled better to meditate in secret and more at + my ease, a plan which might be useful to their purpose, and this without + much breaking in upon my dearly beloved solitude, or submitting to a kind + of life which I had ever found insupportable. + </p> + <p> + But the journey was not, in my situation, a thing so easy to get over. + According to what M. Dastier had told me of Corsica, I could not expect to + find there the most simple conveniences of life, except such as I should + take with me; linen, clothes, plate, kitchen furniture, and books, all + were to be conveyed thither. To get there myself with my gouvernante, I + had the Alps to cross, and in a journey of two hundred leagues to drag + after me all my baggage; I had also to pass through the states of several + sovereigns, and according to the example set to all Europe, I had, after + what had befallen me, naturally to expect to find obstacles in every + quarter, and that each sovereign would think he did himself honor by + overwhelming me with some new insult, and violating in my person all the + rights of persons and humanity. The immense expense, fatigue, and risk of + such a journey made a previous consideration of them, and weighing every + difficulty, the first step necessary. The idea of being alone, and, at my + age, without resource, far removed from all my acquaintance, and at the + mercy of these semi-barbarous and ferocious people, such as M. Dastier had + described them to me, was sufficient to make me deliberate before I + resolved to expose myself to such dangers. I ardently wished for the + interview for which M. Buttafuoco had given me reason to hope, and I + waited the result of it to guide me in my determination. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I thus hesitated came on the persecutions of Motiers, which obliged + me to retire. I was not prepared for a long journey, especially to + Corsica. I expected to hear from Buttafuoco; I took refuge in the island + of St. Peter, whence I was driven at the beginning of winter, as I have + already stated. The Alps, covered with snow, then rendered my emigration + impracticable, especially with the promptitude required from me. It is + true, the extravagant severity of a like order rendered the execution of + it almost impossible; for, in the midst of that concentred solitude, + surrounded by water, and having but twenty-four hours after receiving the + order to prepare for my departure, and find a boat and carriages to get + out of the island and the territory, had I had wings, I should scarcely + have been able to pay obedience to it. This I wrote to the bailiff of + Nidau, in answer to his letter, and hastened to take my departure from a + country of iniquity. In this manner was I obliged to abandon my favorite + project, for which reason, not having in my oppression been able to + prevail upon my persecutors to dispose of me otherwise, I determined, in + consequence of the invitation of my lord marshal, upon a journey to + Berlin, leaving Theresa to pass the winter in the island of St. Peter, + with my books and effects, and depositing my papers in the hands of M. du + Peyrou. I used so much diligence that the next morning I left the island + and arrived at Bienne before noon. An accident, which I cannot pass over + in silence, had here well nigh put an end to my journey. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the news or my having received an order to quit my asylum was + circulated, I received a great number of visits from the neighborhood, and + especially from the Bernois, who came with the most detestable falsehood + to flatter and soothe me, protesting that my persecutors had seized the + moment of the vacation of the senate to obtain and send me the order, + which, said they, had excited the indignation of the two hundred. Some of + these comforters came from the city of Bienne, a little free state within + that of Berne, and amongst others a young man of the name of Wildremet + whose family was of the first rank, and had the greatest credit in that + city. Wildremet strongly solicited me in the name of his fellow-citizens + to choose my retreat amongst them, assuring me that they were anxiously + desirous of it, and that they would think it an honor and their duty to + make me forget the persecutions I had suffered; that with them I had + nothing to fear from the influence of the Bernois, that Bienne was a free + city, governed by its own laws, and that the citizens were unanimously + resolved not to hearken to any solicitation which should be unfavorable to + me. + </p> + <p> + Wildremet perceiving all he could say to be ineffectual, brought to his + aid several other persons, as well from Bienne and the environs as from + Berne; even, and amongst others, the same Kirkeberguer, of whom I have + spoken, who, after my retreat to Switzerland had endeavored to obtain my + esteem, and by his talents and principles had interested me in his favor. + But I received much less expected and more weighty solicitations from M. + Barthes, secretary to the embassy from France, who came with Wildremet to + see me, exhorted me to accept his invitation, and surprised me by the + lively and tender concern he seemed to feel for my situation. I did not + know M. Barthes; however I perceived in what he said the warmth and zeal + of friendship, and that he had it at heart to persuade me to fix my + residence at Bienne. He made the most pompous eulogium of the city and its + inhabitants, with whom he showed himself so intimately connected as to + call them several times in my presence his patrons and fathers. + </p> + <p> + This from Barthes bewildered me in my conjectures. I had always suspected + M. de Choisuel to be the secret author of all the persecutions I suffered + in Switzerland. The conduct of the resident of Geneva, and that of the + ambassador at Soleure but too much confirmed my suspicion; I perceived the + secret influence of France in everything that happened to me at Berne, + Geneva and Neuchatel, and I did not think I had any powerful enemy in that + kingdom, except the Duke de Choiseul. What therefore could I think of the + visit of Barthes and the tender concern he showed for my welfare? My + misfortunes had not yet destroyed the confidence natural to my heart, and + I had still to learn from experience to discern snares under the + appearance of friendship. I sought with surprise the reason of the + benevolence of M. Barthes; I was not weak enough to believe he had acted + from himself; there was in his manner something ostentatious, an + affectation even which declared a concealed intention, and I was far from + having found in any of these little subaltern agents, that generous + intrepidity which, when I was in a similar employment, had often caused a + fermentation in my heart. I had formerly known something of the Chevalier + Beauteville, at the castle of Montmorency; he had shown me marks of + esteem; since his appointment to the embassy he had given me proofs of his + not having entirely forgotten me, accompanied with an invitation to go and + see him at Soleure. Though I did not accept this invitation, I was + extremely sensible of his civility, not having been accustomed to be + treated with such kindness by people in place. I presume M. de + Beauteville, obliged to follow his instructions in what related to the + affairs of Geneva, yet pitying me under my misfortunes, had by his private + cares prepared for me the asylum of Bienne, that I might live there in + peace under his auspices. I was properly sensible of his attention, but + without wishing to profit by it and quite determined upon the journey to + Berlin, I sighed after the moment in which I was to see my lord marshal, + persuaded I should in future find real repose and lasting happiness + nowhere but near his person. + </p> + <p> + On my departure from the island, Kirkeberguer accompanied me to Bienne. I + found Wildremet and other Biennois, who, by the water side, waited my + getting out of the boat. We all dined together at the inn, and on my + arrival there my first care was to provide a chaise, being determined to + set off the next morning. Whilst we were at dinner these gentlemen + repeated their solicitations to prevail upon me to stay with them, and + this with such warmth and obliging protestations, that notwithstanding all + my resolutions, my heart, which has never been able to resist friendly + attentions, received an impression from theirs; the moment they perceived + I was shaken, they redoubled their efforts with so much effect that I was + at length overcome, and consented to remain at Bienne, at least until the + spring. + </p> + <p> + Wildremet immediately set about providing me with a lodging, and boasted, + as of a fortunate discovery, of a dirty little chamber in the back of the + house, on the third story, looking into a courtyard, where I had for a + view the display of the stinking skins of a dresser of chamois leather. My + host was a man of a mean appearance, and a good deal of a rascal; the next + day after I went to his house I heard that he was a debauchee, a gamester, + and in bad credit in the neighborhood. He had neither wife, children, nor + servants, and shut up in my solitary chamber, I was in the midst of one of + the most agreeable countries in Europe, lodged in a manner to make me die + of melancholy in the course of a few days. What affected me most was, + that, notwithstanding what I had heard of the anxious wish of the + inhabitants to receive me amongst them, I had not perceived, as I passed + through the streets, anything polite towards me in their manners, or + obliging in their looks. I was, however, determined to remain there; but I + learned, saw, and felt, the day after, that there was in the city a + terrible fermentation, of which I was the cause. Several persons hastened + obligingly to inform me that on the next day I was to receive an order + conceived in the most severe terms, immediately to quit the state, that is + the city. I had nobody in whom I could confide; they who had detained me + were dispersed. Wildremet had disappeared; I heard no more of Barthes, and + it did not appear that his recommendation had brought me into great favor + with those whom he had styled his patrons and fathers. One M. de Van + Travers, a Bernois, who had an agreeable house not far from the city, + offered it to me for my asylum, hoping, as he said, that I might there + avoid being stoned. The advantage this offer held out was not sufficiently + flattering to tempt me to prolong my abode with these hospitable people. + </p> + <p> + Yet, having lost three days by the delay, I had greatly exceeded the + twenty-four hours the Bernois had given me to quit their states, and + knowing their severity, I was not without apprehensions as to the manner + in which they would suffer me to cross them, when the bailiff of Nidau + came opportunely and relieved me from my embarrassment. As he had highly + disapproved of the violent proceedings of their excellencies, he thought, + in his generosity, he owed me some public proof of his taking no part in + them, and had courage to leave his bailiwick to come and pay me a visit at + Bienne. He did me this favor the evening before my departure, and far from + being incognito he affected ceremony, coming in fiocchi in his coach with + his secretary, and brought me a passport in his own name that I might + cross the state of Berne at my ease, and without fear of molestation. I + was more flattered by the visit than by the passport, and should have been + as sensible of the merit of it, had it had for object any other person + whatsoever. Nothing makes a greater impression on my heart than a + well-timed act of courage in favor of the weak unjustly oppressed. + </p> + <p> + At length, after having with difficulty procured a chaise, I next morning + left this barbarous country, before the arrival of the deputation with + which I was to be honored, and even before I had seen Theresa, to whom I + had written to come to me, when I thought I should remain at Bienne, and + whom I had scarcely time to countermand by a short letter, informing her + of my new disaster. In the third part of my memoirs, if ever I be able to + write them, I shall state in what manner, thinking to set off for Berlin, + I really took my departure for England, and the means by which the two + ladies who wished to dispose of my person, after having by their + manoeuvres driven me from Switzerland, where I was not sufficiently in + their power, at last delivered me into the hands of their friend. + </p> + <p> + I added what follows on reading my memoirs to M. and Madam, the Countess + of Egmont, the Prince Pignatelli, the Marchioness of Mesme, and the + Marquis of Juigne. + </p> + <p> + I have written the truth: if any person has heard of things contrary to + those I have just stated, were they a thousand times proved, he has heard + calumny and falsehood; and if he refuses thoroughly to examine and compare + them with me whilst I am alive, he is not a friend either to justice or + truth. For my part, I openly, and without the least fear declare, that + whoever, even without having read my works, shall have examined with his + own eyes, my disposition, character, manners, inclinations, pleasures, and + habits, and pronounce me a dishonest man, is himself one who deserves a + gibbet. + </p> + <p> + Thus I concluded, and every person was silent; Madam d’Egmont was the only + person who seemed affected; she visibly trembled, but soon recovered + herself, and was silent like the rest of the company. Such were the fruits + of my reading and declaration. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + <i>[NOTE: Here is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, for those who + may wish to sample the author’s ideas before making an entire meal of + them. D.W.]</i> + </p> + <h3> + ETEXT EDITOR’S BOOKMARKS: + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A feeling heart the foundation of all my misfortunes + A religion preached by such missionaries must lead to paradise! + A subject not even fit to make a priest of + A man, on being questioned, is immediately on his guard + Adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained + All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason + All your evils proceed from yourselves! + An author must be independent of success + Ardor for learning became so far a madness + Aversion to singularity + Avoid putting our interests in competition with our duty + Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all vices + Bilboquet + Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others + Caution is needless after the evil has happened + Cemented by reciprocal esteem + Considering this want of decency as an act of courage + Conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions + Degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame + Die without the aid of physicians + Difficult to think nobly when we think for a livelihood + Dine at the hour of supper; sup when I should have been asleep + Disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent + Dissembler, though, in fact, I was only courteous + Dying for love without an object + Endeavoring to hide my incapacity, I rarely fail to show it + Endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling + Ever appearing to feel as little for others as herself + Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine + First instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved + First time in my life, of saying, “I merit my own esteem” + Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice + Force me to be happy in the manner they should point out + Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment + Hastening on to death without having lived + Hat, only fit to be carried under his arm + Have the pleasure of seeing an ass ride on horseback + Have ever preferred suffering to owing + Her excessive admiration or dislike of everything + Hold fast to aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more + Hopes, in which self-love was by no means a loser + How many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of a friend! + I never much regretted sleep + I strove to flatter my idleness + I never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent + I loved her too well to wish to possess her + I felt no dread but that of being detected + I was long a child, and am so yet in many particulars + I am charged with the care of myself only + I only wished to avoid giving offence + I did not fear punishment, but I dreaded shame + I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends + Idea of my not being everything to her + Idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude + If you have nothing to do, you must absolutely speak continually + In the course of their lives frequently unlike themselves + In company I suffer cruelly by inaction + In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings + Indolence, negligence and delay in little duties to be fulfilled + Indolence of company is burdensome because it is forced + Injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death + Insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education + Instead of being delighted with the journey only wished arrival + Is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love? + Jean Bapiste Rousseau + Knew how to complain, but not how to act + Law that the accuser should be confined at the same time + Left to nature the whole care of my own instruction + Less degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal + Letters illustrious in proportion as it was less a trade + Loaded with words and redundancies + Looking on each day as the last of my life + Love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart + Make men like himself, instead of taking them as they were + Making their knowledge the measure of possibilities + Making me sensible of every deficiency + Manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book + Men, in general, make God like themselves + Men of learning more tenaciously retain their predjudices + Mistake wit for sense + Moment I acquired literary fame, I had no longer a friend + Money that we possess is the instrument of liberty + Money we lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery + More stunned than flattered by the trumpet of fame + More folly than candor in the declaration without necessity + Multiplying persons and adventures + My greatest faults have been omissions + Myself the principal object + Necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention + Neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions + No sooner had lost sight of men than I ceased to despise them + No longer permitted to let old people remain out of Paris + Not so easy to quit her house as to enter it + Not knowing how to spend their time, daily breaking in upon me + Nothing absurd appears to them incredible + Obliged to pay attention to every foolish thing uttered + Obtain their wishes, without permitting or promising anything + One of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive + Only prayer consisted in the single interjection “Oh!” + Painful to an honest man to resist desires already formed + Passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admire + Piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of it + Placing unbounded confidence in myself and others + Prescriptions serve to flatter the hopes of the patient + Priests ought never to have children—except by married women + Proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities + Protestants, in general, are better instructed + Rather bashful than modest + Rather appeared to study with than to instruct me + Read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own + Read description of any malady without thinking it mine + Read without studying + Remorse wakes amid the storms of adversity + Remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine of prosperity + Reproach me with so many contradictions + Return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave + Rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble + Satisfaction of weeping together + Seeking, by fresh offences, a return of the same chastisement + Sin consisted only in the scandal + Slighting her favors, if within your reach, a unpardonable crime + Sometimes encourage hopes they never mean to realize + Substituting cunning to knowledge + Supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable + Taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had imagined + That which neither women nor authors ever pardon + The malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man + The conscience of the guilty would revenge the innocent + There is nothing in this world but time and misfortune + There is no clapping of hands before the king + This continued desire to control me in all my wishes + Though not a fool, I have frequently passed for one + To make him my apologies for the offence he had given me + True happiness is indescribable, it is only to be felt + Trusting too implicitly to their own innocence + Tyranny of persons who called themselves my friends + Virtuous minds, which vice never attacks openly + Voltaire was formed never to be happy + We learned to dissemble, to rebel, to lie + What facility everything which favors the malignity of man + When once we make a secret of anything to the person we love + When everyone is busy, you may continue silent + Whence comes it that even a child can intimidate a man + Where merit consists in belief, and not in virtue + Whole universe would be interested in my concerns + Whose discourses began by a distribution of millions + Wish thus to be revenged of me for their humiliation + Without the least scruple, freely disposing of my time + Writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius + Yielded him the victory, or rather declined the contest +</pre> + <div 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