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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book III.
+by Jean Jacques Rousseau
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book III.
+
+Author: Jean Jacques Rousseau
+
+Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #3903]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUSSEAU ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
+(In 12 books)
+
+Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society
+
+London, 1903
+
+
+
+BOOK III.
+
+
+Leaving the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had entered it,
+I returned to my former hostess, and remained there five or six weeks;
+during which time health, youth, and laziness, frequently rendered my
+temperament importunate.  I was restless, absent, and thoughtful: I wept
+and sighed for a happiness I had no idea of, though at the same time
+highly sensible of some deficiency.  This situation is indescribable,
+few men can even form any conception of it, because, in general, they
+have prevented that plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious.
+My thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a
+manner peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and
+disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the
+means of deliverance.  I would have given my life to have met with a Miss
+Goton, but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated;
+increase of years had introduced shame, the inseparable companion of a
+conscious deviation from rectitude, which so confirmed my natural
+timidity as to render it invincible; and never, either at that time or
+since, could I prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my
+wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances) even
+with those whose scruples I had no cause to dread.
+
+My stay at Madam de Vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance, which
+I thought might be serviceable to me, and therefore wished to retain.
+Among others, I sometimes visited a Savoyard abbe, M. Gaime, who was
+tutor to the Count of Melarede's children.  He was young, and not much
+known, but possessed an excellent cultivated understanding, with great
+probity, and was, altogether, one of the best men I ever knew.  He was
+incapable of doing me the service I then stood most in need of, not
+having sufficient interest to procure me a situation, but from him I
+reaped advantages far more precious, which have been useful to me through
+life, lessons of pure morality, and maxims of sound judgment.
+
+In the successive order of my inclinations and ideas, I had ever been too
+high or too low.  Achilles or Thersites; sometimes a hero, at others a
+villain.  M. Gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with myself,
+without sparing or giving me too much discouragement.  He spoke in
+advantageous terms of my disposition and talents, adding, that he foresaw
+obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them; thus, according to
+him, they were to serve less as steps by which I should mount to fortune,
+than as resources which might enable me to exist without one.  He gave me
+a true picture of human life, of which, hitherto, I had formed but a very
+erroneous idea, teaching me, that a man of understanding, though destined
+to experience adverse fortune, might, by skilful management, arrive at
+happiness; that there was no true felicity without virtue, which was
+practicable in every situation.  He greatly diminished my admiration of
+grandeur, by proving that those in a superior situation are neither
+better nor happier than those they command.  One of his maxims has
+frequently returned to my memory: it was, that if we could truly read the
+hearts of others we should feel more inclination to descend than rise:
+this reflection, the truth of which is striking without extravagance,
+I have found of great utility, in the various exigences of my life, as it
+tended to make me satisfied with my condition.  He gave me the first just
+conception of relative duties, which my high-flown imagination had ever
+pictured in extremes, making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime
+virtues is of little use in society; that while endeavoring to rise too
+high we are in danger of falling; and that a virtuous and uniform
+discharge of little duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as
+actions which are called heroic, and would at the same time procure more
+honor and happiness.  That it was infinitely more desirable to possess
+the lasting esteem of those about us, than at intervals to attract
+admiration.
+
+In properly arranging the various duties between man and man, it was
+necessary to ascend to principles; the step I had recently taken, and of
+which my present situation was the consequence, naturally led us to speak
+of religion.  It will easily be conceived that the honest M. Gaime was,
+in a great measure, the original of the Savoyard Vicar; prudence only
+obliging him to deliver his sentiments, on certain points, with more
+caution and reserve, and explain himself with less freedom; but his
+sentiments and councils were the same, not even excepting his advice to
+return to my country; all was precisely as I have since given it to the
+pubic.  Dwelling no longer, therefore, on conversations which everyone
+may see the substance of, I shall only add, that these wise instructions
+(though they did not produce an immediate effect) were as so many seeds
+of virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out, and only
+required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity.
+
+Though my conversation was not very sincere, I was affected by his
+discourses, and far from being weary, was pleased with them on account of
+their clearness and simplicity, but above all because his heart seemed
+interested in what he said.  My disposition is naturally tender, I have
+ever been less attached to people for the good they have really done me
+than for that they designed to do, and my feelings in this particular
+have seldom misled me: thus I truly esteemed M. Gaime.  I was in a manner
+his second disciple, which even at that time was of inestimable service
+in turning me from a propensity to vice into which my idleness was
+leading me.
+
+One day, when I least expected it, I was sent for by the Count de la
+Roque.  Having frequently called at his house, without being able to
+speak with him, I grew weary, and supposing he had either forgot me or
+retained some unfavorable impression of me, returned no more: but I was
+mistaken in both these conjectures.  He had more than once witnessed the
+pleasure I took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt: he had even mentioned
+it to her, and afterwards spoke of it, when I no longer thought of it
+myself.
+
+He received me graciously, saying that instead of amusing me with useless
+promises, he had sought to place me to advantage; that he had succeeded,
+and would put me in a way to better my situation, but the rest must
+depend on myself.  That the family into which he should introduce me
+being both powerful and esteemed, I should need no other patrons; and
+though at first on the footing of a servant, I might be assured, that if
+my conduct and sentiments were found above that station, I should not
+long remain in it.  The end of this discourse cruelly disappointed the
+brilliant hopes the beginning had inspired.  "What! forever a footman?"
+said I to myself, with a bitterness which confidence presently effaced,
+for I felt myself too superior to that situation to fear long remaining
+there.
+
+He took me to the Count de Gauvon, Master of the Horse to the Queen, and
+Chief of the illustrious House of Solar.  The air of dignity conspicuous
+in this respectable old man, rendered the affability with which he
+received me yet more interesting.  He questioned me with evident
+interest, and I replied with sincerity.  He then told the Count de la
+Roque, that my features were agreeable, and promised intellect, which he
+believed I was not deficient in; but that was not enough, and time must
+show the rest; after which, turning to me, he said, "Child, almost all
+situations are attended with difficulties in the beginning; yours,
+however, shall not have too great a portion of them; be prudent, and
+endeavor to please everyone, that will be almost your only employment;
+for the rest fear nothing, you shall be taken care of."  Immediately
+after he went to the Marchioness de Breil, his daughter-in-law, to whom
+he presented me, and then to the Abbe de Gauvon, his son.  I was elated
+with this beginning, as I knew enough of the world already to conclude,
+that so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a
+footman.  In fact, I was not treated like one.  I dined at the steward's
+table; did not wear a livery; and the Count de Favria (a giddy youth)
+having commanded me to get behind his coach, his grandfather ordered that
+I should get behind no coach, nor follow any one out of the house.
+Meantime, I waited at table, and did, within doors, the business of a
+footman; but I did it, as it were, of my own free will, without being
+appointed to any particular service; and except writing some letters,
+which were dictated to me, and cutting out some ornaments for the Count
+de Favria, I was almost the absolute master of my time.  This trial of my
+discretion, which I did not then perceive, was certainly very dangerous,
+and not very humane; for in this state of idleness I might have
+contracted vices which I should not otherwise have given into.
+Fortunately, it did not produce that effect; my memory retained the
+lessons of M. Gaime, they had made an impression on my heart, and I
+sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition of
+them.  I believe those who saw me going out, apparently by stealth, had
+no conception of my business.  Nothing could be more prudent than the
+advice he gave me respecting my conduct.  My beginning was admirable; so
+much attention, assiduity, and zeal, had charmed everyone.  The Abby
+Gaime advised me to moderate this first ardor, lest I should relax, and
+that relaxation should be considered as neglect.  "Your setting out,"
+said he, "is the rule of what will be expected of you; endeavor gradually
+to increase your attentions, but be cautious how you diminish them."
+
+As they paid but little attention to my trifling talents, and supposed I
+possessed no more than nature had given me, there was no appearance
+(notwithstanding the promises of Count de Gauvon) of my meeting with any
+particular consideration.  Some objects of more consequence had
+intervened.  The Marquis de Breil, son of the Count de Gauvon, was then
+ambassador at Vienna; some circumstances had occurred at that court which
+for some weeks kept the family in continual agitation, and left them no
+time to think of me.  Meantime I had relaxed but little in my attentions,
+though one object in the family did me both good and harm, making me more
+secure from exterior dissipation, but less attentive to my duty.
+
+Mademoiselle de Breil was about my own age, tolerably handsome, and very
+fair complexioned, with black hair, which notwithstanding, gave her
+features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen, and which my
+heart could never resist.  The court dress, so favorable to youth, showed
+her fine neck and shape to advantage, and the mourning, which was then
+worn, seemed to add to her beauty.  It will be said, a domestic should
+not take notice of these things; I was certainly to blame, yet I
+perceived all this, nor was I the only one; the maitre d' hotel and valet
+de chambre spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that pained
+me extremely.  My head, however, was not sufficiently turned to allow of
+my being entirely in love; I did not forget myself, or my situation.
+I loved to see Mademoiselle de Breil; to hear her utter anything that
+marked wit, sense, or good humor: my ambition, confined to a desire of
+waiting on her, never exceeded its just rights.  At table I was ever
+attentive to make the most of them; if her footman quitted her chair,
+I instantly supplied his place; in default of this, I stood facing her,
+seeking in her eyes what she was about to ask for, and watching the
+moment to change her plate.  What would I not have given to hear her
+command, to have her look at, or speak the smallest word to me! but no,
+I had the mortification to be beneath her regard; she did not even
+perceive I was there.  Her brother, who frequently spoke to me while at
+table, having one day said something which I did not consider obliging,
+I made him so arch and well-turned an answer, that it drew her attention;
+she cast her eyes upon me, and this glance was sufficient to fill me with
+transport.  The next day, a second occasion presented itself, which I
+fortunately made use of.  A great dinner was given; and I saw, with
+astonishment, for the first time, the maitre d' hotel waiting at table,
+with a sword by his side, and hat on his head.  By chance, the discourse
+turned on the motto of the house of Solar, which was, with the arms,
+worked in the tapestry: 'Tel fiert qui ne fue pas'.  As the Piedmontese
+are not in general very perfect in the French language, they found fault
+with the orthography, saying, that in the word fiert there should be no
+'t'.  The old Count de Gauvon was going to reply, when happening to cast
+his eyes on me, he perceived I smiled without daring to say anything;
+he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion.  I then said, I did not
+think the 't' superfluous, 'fiert' being an old French word, not derived
+from the noun 'ferus', proud, threatening; but from the verb 'ferit', he
+strikes, he wounds; the motto, therefore, did not appear to mean, some
+threat, but, 'Some strike who do not kill'.  The whole company fixed
+their eyes on me, then on each other, without speaking a word; never was
+a greater degree of astonishment; but what most flattered me, was an air
+of satisfaction which I perceived on the countenance of Mademoiselle de
+Breil.  This scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least
+as valuable as the former, and turning to her grandfather, appeared to
+wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me, and which he
+fully bestowed, with such apparent satisfaction, that it was eagerly
+chorused by the whole table.  This interval was short, but delightful in
+many respects; it was one of those moments so rarely met with, which
+place things in their natural order, and revenge depressed merit for the
+injuries of fortune.  Some minutes after Mademoiselle de Breil again
+raised her eyes, desiring me with a voice of timid affability to give her
+some drink.  It will easily be supposed I did not let her wait, but
+advancing towards her, I was seized with such a trembling, that having
+filled the glass too full, I spilled some of the water on her plate,
+and even on herself.  Her brother asked me, giddily, why I trembled thus?
+This question increased my confusion, while the face of Mademoiselle de
+Breil was suffused with a crimson blush.
+
+Here ended the romance; where it may be remarked (as with Madam Basile,
+and others in the continuation of my life) that I was not fortunate in
+the conclusion of my amours.  In vain I placed myself in the antechamber
+of Madam de Breil, I could not obtain one mark of attention from her
+daughter; she went in and out without looking at me, nor had I the
+confidence to raise my eyes to her; I was even so foolishly stupid, that
+one day, on dropping her glove as she passed, instead of seizing and
+covering it with kisses, as I would gladly have done, I did not dare to
+quit my place, but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a
+footman, whom I could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness.
+To complete my timidity, I perceived I had not the good fortune to please
+Madam de Breil; she not only never ordered, but even rejected, my
+services; and having twice found me in her antechamber, asked me, dryly,
+"If I had nothing to do?"  I was obliged, therefore, to renounce this
+dear antechamber; at first it caused me some uneasiness, but other things
+intervening, I presently thought no more of it.
+
+The disdain of Madam de Breil was fully compensated by the kindness of
+her father-in-law, who at length began to think of me.  The evening after
+the entertainment, I have already mentioned, he had a conversation with
+me that lasted half an hour, which appeared to satisfy him, and
+absolutely enchanted me.  This good man had less sense than Madam de
+Vercellis, but possessed more feeling; I therefore succeeded much better
+with him.  He bade me attach myself to his son, the Abbe Gauvon, who had
+an esteem for me, which, if I took care to cultivate, might be
+serviceable in furnishing me with what was necessary to complete their
+views for my future establishment.  The next morning I flew to M. the
+Abbe, who did not receive me as a servant, but made me sit by his
+fireside, and questioned me with great affability.  He soon found that my
+education, which had attempted many things, had completed none; but
+observing that I understood something of Latin, he undertook to teach me
+more, and appointed me to attend him every morning.  Thus, by one of the
+whimsicalities which have marked the whole course of my life, at once
+above and below my natural situation, I was pupil and footman in the same
+house: and though in servitude, had a preceptor whose birth entitled him
+to supply that place only to the children of kings.
+
+The Abbe de Gauvon was a younger son, and designed by his family for a
+bishopric, for which reason his studies had been pursued, further than is
+usual with people of quality.  He had been sent to the university of
+Sienna, where he had resided some years, and from whence he had brought a
+good portion of cruscantism, designing to be that at Turin which the Abbe
+de Dangeau was formerly at Paris.  Being disgusted with theology, he gave
+in to the belle-lettres, which is very frequent in Italy, with those who
+have entered the career of prelacy.  He had studied the poets, and wrote
+tolerable Latin and Italian verses; in a word, his taste was calculated
+to form mine, and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash
+with which my brain was encumbered; but whether my prating had misled
+him, or that he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary
+parts of Latin, he put me at first too high; and I had scarcely
+translated a few fables of Phoedrus before he put me into Virgil, where I
+could hardly understand anything.  It will be seen hereafter that I was
+destined frequently to learn Latin, but never to attain it.  I labored
+with assiduity, and the abbe bestowed his attention with a degree of
+kindness, the remembrance of which, even at this time, both interests and
+softens me.  I passed the greater part of the morning with him as much
+for my own instruction as his service; not that he ever permitted me to
+perform any menial office, but to copy, or write from his dictating; and
+my employment of secretary was more useful than that of scholar, and by
+this means I not only learned the Italian in its utmost purity, but also
+acquired a taste for literature, and some discernment of composition,
+which could not have been at La Tribu's, and which was useful to me when
+I afterwards wrote alone.
+
+At this period of my life, without being romantic, I might reasonably
+have indulged the hope of preferment.  The abbe, thoroughly pleased with
+me, expressed his satisfaction to everyone, while his father had such a
+singular affection for me, that I was assured by the Count de Favria,
+that he had spoken of me to the king; even Madam de Breil had laid aside
+her disdainful looks; in short I was a general favorite, which gave great
+jealousy to the other servants, who seeing me honored by the instructions
+of their master's son, were persuaded I should not remain their equal.
+
+As far as I could judge by some words dropped at random, and which I
+reflected on afterwards, it appeared to me, that the House of Solar,
+wishing to run the career of embassies, and hoping perhaps in time to
+arrive at the ministry, wished to provide themselves with a person of
+merit and talents, who depending entirely on them, might obtain their
+confidence, and be of essential service.  This project of the Count de
+Gauvon was judicious, magnanimous, and truly worthy of a powerful
+nobleman, equally provident and generous; but besides my not seeing, at
+that time, its full extent, it was far too rational for my brain, and
+required too much confinement.
+
+My ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant
+adventures, and not finding one woman in all this scheme, it appeared
+tedious, painful and melancholy; though I should rather have thought it
+more honorable on this account, as the species of merit generally
+patronized by women is certainly less worthy that I was supposed to
+possess.
+
+Everything succeeded to my wish: I had obtained, almost forced, the
+esteem of all; the trial was over, and I was universally considered as a
+young man with flattering prospects, who was not at present in his proper
+sphere, but was expected soon to reach it; but my place was not assigned
+me by man, and I was to reach it by very difficult paths.  I now come to
+one of those characteristic traits, which are so natural to me, and
+which, indeed, the reader might have observed without this reflection.
+
+There were at Turin several new converts of my own stamp, whom I neither
+liked nor wish to see; but I had met with some Genevese who were not of
+this description, and among others a M. Mussard, nicknamed Wryneck, a
+miniature painter, and a distant relation.  This M. Mussard, having
+learned my situation at the Count de Gauvon's, came to see me, with
+another Genevese, named Bacle, who had been my comrade during my
+apprenticeship.  This Bacle was a very sprightly, amusing young fellow,
+full of lively sallies, which at his time of life appeared extremely
+agreeable.  At once, then, behold me delighted with M. Bacle; charmed to
+such a degree that I found it impossible to quit him.  He was shortly to
+depart for Geneva; what a loss had I to sustain!  I felt the whole force
+of it, and resolving to make the best use of this precious interval, I
+determined not to leave him, or, rather, he never quitted me, for my head
+was not yet sufficiently turned to think of quitting the house without
+leave, but it was soon perceived that he engrossed my whole time, and he
+was accordingly forbid the house.  This so incensed me, that forgetting
+everything but my friend Bacle, I went neither to the abbe nor the count,
+and was no longer to be found at home.  I paid no attention to repeated
+reprimands, and at length was threatened with dismissal.  This threat was
+my ruin, as it suggested the idea that it was not absolutely necessary
+that Bacle should depart alone.  From that moment I could think of no
+other pleasure, no other situation or happiness than taking this journey.
+To render the felicity still more complete, at the end of it (though at
+an immense distance) I pictured to myself Madam de Warrens; for as to
+returning to Geneva, it never entered into my imagination.  The hills,
+fields, brooks and villages, incessantly succeeded each other with new
+charms, and this delightful jaunt seemed worthy to absorb my whole
+existence.  Memory recalled, with inexpressible pleasure, how charming
+the country had appeared in coming to Turin; what then must it be, when,
+to the pleasure of independence, should be added the company of a
+good-humored comrade of my own age and disposition, without any
+constraint or obligation, but free to go or stay as we pleased?  Would
+it not be madness to sacrifice the prospect of so much felicity to
+projects of ambition, slow and difficult in their execution, and
+uncertain in their event?  But even supposing them realized, and in
+their utmost splendor, they were not worth one quarter of an hour of the
+sweet pleasure and liberty of youth.
+
+Full of these wise conclusions, I conducted myself so improperly, that
+(not indeed without some trouble) I got myself dismissed; for on my
+return one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the
+count.  This was exactly what I wanted; for feeling, spite of myself,
+the extravagance of my conduct, I wished to excuse it by the addition of
+injustice and ingratitude, by throwing the blame on others, and
+sheltering myself under the idea of necessity.
+
+I was told the Count de Favria wished to speak with me the next morning
+before my departure; but, being sensible that my head was so far turned
+as to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction, the maitre de
+hotel declined paying the money designed me, and which certainly I had
+very ill earned, till after this visit; for my kind patrons being
+unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman, I had not any fixed
+wages.
+
+The Count de Favria, though young and giddy, talked to me on this
+occasion in the most sensible and serious manner: I might add, if it
+would not be thought vain, with the utmost tenderness.  He reminded me,
+in the most flattering terms, of the cares of his uncle, and intentions
+of his grandfather; after having drawn in lively colors what I was
+sacrificing to ruin, he offered to make my peace, without stipulating any
+conditions, but that I should no more see the worthless fellow who had
+seduced me.
+
+It was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself, that
+notwithstanding my blind stupidity, I powerfully felt the kindness of my
+good old master, but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my
+imagination for any consideration to balance the charm.  Bereft of
+understanding, firm to my purpose, I hardened myself against conviction,
+and arrogantly answered, that as they had thought fit to give me warning,
+I had resolved to take it, and conceived it was now too late to retract,
+since, whatever might happen to me, I was fully resolved not to be driven
+a second time from the same house.  The count, justly irritated, bestowed
+on me some names which I deserved, and putting me out of his apartment by
+the shoulders, shut the door on me.  I departed triumphant, as if I had
+gained the greatest victory, and fearful of sustaining a second combat
+even had the ingratitude to leave the house without thanking the abbe for
+his kindness.
+
+To form a just conception of my delirium at that moment, the excess to
+which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents,
+and the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive
+objects should be conceived.  At these times, plans the most ridiculous,
+childish, and void of sense, flatter my favorite idea, and persuade me
+that it is reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it.
+Would it be believed, that when near nineteen, any one could be so stupid
+as to build his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial?  For
+example:
+
+The Abbe de Gauvon had made me a present, some weeks before, of a very
+pretty heron fountain, with which I was highly delighted.  Playing with
+this toy, and speaking of our departure, the sage Bacle and myself
+thought it might be of infinite advantage, and enable us to lengthen our
+journey.  What in the world was so curious as a heron fountain?  This
+idea was the foundation on which we built our future fortune: we were to
+assemble the country people in every village we might pass through, and
+delight them with the sight of it, when feasting and good cheer would be
+sure to pour on us abundantly; for we were both firmly persuaded, that
+provisions could cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them, and if
+they did not stuff travellers, it was downright ill-nature.
+
+We pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings, reckoning that
+without any expense but wind from our lungs, and the water of our
+fountain, we should be maintained through Piedmont, Savoy, France, and
+indeed, all the world over.  There was no end to our projected travels,
+and we immediately directed our course northward, rather for the pleasure
+of crossing the Alps, than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to
+stop at any place.
+
+Such was the plan on which I set out, abandoning without regret, my
+preceptors, studies, and hopes, with the almost certain attainment of a
+fortune, to lead the life of a real vagabond.  Farewell to the capital;
+adieu to the court, ambition, love, the fair, and all the great
+adventures into which hope had led me during the preceding year!  I
+departed with my fountain and my friend Bacle, a purse lightly furnished,
+but a heart over-flowing with pleasure, and only thinking how to enjoy
+the extensive felicity which I supposed my project encircled.
+
+This extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as I had
+expected, though not exactly on the same plan; not but our fountain
+highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the
+ale-houses where we halted, yet we found it equally necessary to pay on
+our departure; but that gave us no concern, as we never thought of
+depending on it entirely until our money should be expended.  An
+accident spared us that trouble, our fountain was broken near Bramant,
+and in good time, for we both felt (though without daring to own it to
+each other) that we began to be weary of it.  This misfortune rendered
+us gayer than ever; we laughed heartily at our giddiness in having
+forgotten that our clothes and shoes would wear out, or trusting to
+renew them by the play of our fountain.  We continued our journey as
+merrily as we had begun it, only drawing faster towards that termination
+where our drained purses made it necessary for us to arrive.
+
+At Chambery I became pensive; not for the folly I had committed, for
+never did any one think less of the past, but on account of the reception
+I should meet with from Madam de Warrens; for I looked on her house as my
+paternal home.  I had written her an account of my reception at the Count
+de Gauvon's; she knew my expectancies, and, in congratulating me on my
+good fortune, had added some wise lessons on the return I ought to make
+for the kindness with which they treated me.  She looked on my fortune as
+already made, if not destroyed by my own negligence; what then would she
+say on my arrival? for it never entered my mind that she might shut the
+door against me, but I dreaded the uneasiness I might give her; I dreaded
+her reproaches, to me more wounding than want; I resolved to bear all in
+silence, and, if possible to appease her.  I now saw nothing but Madam de
+Warrens in the whole universe, and to live in disgrace with her was
+impossible.
+
+I was most concerned about my companion, whom I did not wish to offend,
+and feared I should not easily get rid of.  I prefaced this separation by
+an affected coldness during the last day's journey.  The drole understood
+me perfectly; in fact, he was rather giddy than deficient in point of
+sense--I expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy, but I was
+quite mistaken; nothing affected my friend Bacle, for hardly had we set
+foot in town, on our arrival in Annecy, before he said, "You are now at
+home,"--embraced--bade me adieu--turned on his heel, and disappeared; nor
+have I ever heard of him since.
+
+How did my heart beat as I approached the habitation of Madam de Warrens!
+my legs trembled under me, my eyes were clouded with a mist, I neither
+saw, heard, nor recollected any one, and was obliged frequently to stop
+that I might draw breath, and recall my bewildered senses.  Was it fear
+of not obtaining that succor I stood in need of, which agitated me to
+this degree?  At the age I then was, does the fear of perishing with
+hunger give such alarms?  No: I declare with as much truth as pride, that
+it was not in the power of interest or indigence, at any period of my
+life, to expand or contract my heart.  In the course of a painful life,
+memorable for its vicissitudes, frequently destitute of an asylum, and
+without bread, I have contemplated, with equal indifference, both
+opulence and misery.  In want I might have begged or stolen, as others
+have done, but never could feel distress at being reduced to such
+necessities.  Few men have grieved more than myself, few have shed so
+many tears; yet never did poverty, or the fear of falling into it, make
+me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids.  My soul, in despite of fortune,
+has only been sensible of real good and evil, which did not depend on
+her; and frequently, when in possession of everything that could make
+life pleasing, I have been the most miserable of mortals.
+
+The first glance of Madam de Warrens banished all my fears--my heart
+leaped at the sound of her voice; I threw myself at her feet, and in
+transports of the most lively joy, pressed my lips upon her hand.
+I am ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me.
+I discovered but little surprise on her countenance, and no sorrow.
+"Poor child!"  said she, in an affectionate tone, "art thou here again?
+I knew you were too young for this journey; I am very glad, however, that
+it did not turn out so bad as I apprehended."  She then made me recount
+my history; it was not long, and I did it faithfully: suppressing only
+some trifling circumstances, but on the whole neither sparing nor
+excusing myself.
+
+The question was, where I could lodge: she consulted her maid on this
+point--I hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation; but when I
+heard I was to sleep in the house, I could scarce contain my joy; and saw
+the little bundle I brought with me carried into my destined apartment
+with much the same sensations as St. Preux saw his chaise put up at Madam
+de Wolmar's.  To complete all, I had the satisfaction to find that this
+favor was not to be transitory; for at a moment when they thought me
+attentive to something else, I heard Madam de Warrens say, "They may talk
+as they please, but since Providence has sent him back, I am determined
+not to abandon him."
+
+Behold me, then, established at her house; not, however, that I date the
+happiest days of my life from this period, but this served to prepare me
+for them.  Though that sensibility of heart, which enables us truly to
+enjoy our being, is the work of Nature, and perhaps a mere effect of
+organization, yet it requires situations to unfold itself, and without a
+certain concurrence of favorable circumstances, a man born with the most
+acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been
+acquainted with his own temperament.  This was my case till that time,
+and such perhaps it might have remained had I never known Madam de
+Warrens, or even having known her, had I not remained with her long
+enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with
+which she inspired me.  I dare affirm, that those who only love, do not
+feel the most charming sensations we are capable of: I am acquainted with
+another sentiment, less impetuous, but a thousand times more delightful;
+sometimes joined with love, but frequently separated from it.  This
+feeling is not simply friendship; it is more enchanting, more tender; nor
+do I imagine it can exist between persons of the same sex; at least I
+have been truly a friend, if ever a man was, and yet never experienced it
+in that kind.  This distinction is not sufficiently clear, but will
+become so hereafter: sentiments are only distinguishable by their
+effects.
+
+Madam de Warrens inhabited an old house, but large enough to have a
+handsome spare apartment, which she made her drawing-room.  I now
+occupied this chamber, which was in the passage I have before mentioned
+as the place of our first meeting.  Beyond the brook and gardens was a
+prospect of the country, which was by no means uninteresting to the young
+inhabitant, being the first time, since my residence at Bossey, that I
+had seen anything before my windows but walls, roofs, or the dirty
+street.  How pleasing then was this novelty! it helped to increase the
+tenderness of my disposition, for I looked on this charming landscape as
+the gift of my dear patroness, who I could almost fancy had placed it
+there on purpose for me.  Peaceably seated, my eyes pursued her amidst
+the flowers and the verdure; her charms seemed to me confounded with
+those of the spring; my heart, till now contracted, here found means to
+expand itself, and my sighs exhaled freely in this charming retreat.
+
+The magnificence I had been accustomed to at Turin was not to be found at
+Madam de Warrens, but in lieu of it there was neatness, regularity, and a
+patriarchal abundance, which is seldom attached to pompous ostentation.
+She had very little plate, no china, no game in her kitchen, or foreign
+wines in her cellar, but both were well furnished, and at every one's
+service; and her coffee, though served in earthenware cups, was
+excellent.  Whoever came to her house was invited to dine there, and
+never did laborer, messenger, or traveller, depart without refreshment.
+Her family consisted of a pretty chambermaid from Fribourg, named
+Merceret; a valet from her own country called Claude Anet (of whom I
+shall speak hereafter), a cook, and two hired chairmen when she visited,
+which seldom happened.  This was a great deal to be done out of two
+thousand livres a year; yet, with good management, it might have been
+sufficient in a country where land is extremely good, and money very
+scarce.  Unfortunately, economy was never her favorite virtue; she
+contracted debts--paid them--thus her money passed from hand to hand like
+a weaver's shuttle, and quickly disappeared.
+
+The arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what I should have
+chosen, and I shared it with satisfaction.  I was least pleased with the
+necessity of remaining too long at table.  Madam de Warrens was so much
+incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat, as almost to occasion
+fainting; from this she slowly recovered, talking meantime, and never
+attempting to eat for the first half hour.  I could have dined thrice in
+the time, and had ever finished my meal long before she began; I then ate
+again for company; and though by this means I usually dined twice, felt
+no inconvenience from it.  In short, I was perfectly at my ease, and the
+happier as my situation required no care.  Not being at this time
+instructed in the state of her finances, I supposed her means were
+adequate to her expense; and though I afterwards found the same
+abundance, yet when instructed in her real situation, finding her pension
+ever anticipated, prevented me from enjoying the same tranquility.
+Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment; in vain I saw the
+approach of misfortunes, I was never the more likely to avoid them.
+
+From the first moment of our meeting, the softest familiarity was
+established between us: and in the same degree it continued during the
+rest of her life.  Child was my name, Mamma was hers, and child and mamma
+we have ever continued, even after a number of years had almost effaced
+the apparent difference of age between us.  I think those names convey an
+exact idea of our behavior, the simplicity of our manners, and above all,
+the similarity of our dispositions.  To me she was the tenderest of
+mothers, ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure; and if my own
+satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her, it was not to
+change its nature, but only to render it more exquisite, and infatuate me
+with the charm of having a mother young and handsome, whom I was
+delighted to caress: I say literally, to caress, for never did it enter
+into her imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and
+endearments, or into my heart to abuse them.  It will be said, at length
+our connection was of a different kind: I confess it; but have patience,
+that will come in its turn.
+
+The sudden sight of her, on our first interview, was the only truly
+passionate moment she ever inspired me with; and even that was
+principally the work of surprise.  With her I had neither transports nor
+desires, but remained in a ravishing calm, sensible of a happiness I
+could not define, and thus could I have passed my whole life, or even
+eternity, without feeling an instant of uneasiness.
+
+She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of
+conversation, which to me is so painful to endure.  Our tete-a-tetes were
+rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could only conclude
+from interruption.  So far from finding discourse difficult, I rather
+thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when contemplating her
+projects, she sunk into a reverie; when I silently let her meditate, and
+gazing on her, was the happiest of men.  I had another singular fancy,
+which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete, I was
+perpetually seeking occasion to form them, enjoying such opportunities
+with rapture; and when importunate visitors broke in upon us, no matter
+whether it was man or woman, I went out murmuring, not being able to
+remain a secondary object in her company; then, counting the minutes in
+her antechamber, I used to curse these eternal visitors, thinking it
+inconceivable how they could find so much to say, because I had still
+more.
+
+If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did not see
+her.  When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my
+uneasiness reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her gave
+me emotions of tenderness even to tears.  Never shall I forget one great
+holiday, while she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the city,
+my heart full of her image, and the ardent wish to pass my life with her.
+I could easily enough see that at present this was impossible; that the
+happiness I enjoyed would be of short duration, and this idea gave to my
+contemplations a tincture of melancholy, which, however, was not gloomy,
+but tempered with a flattering hope.  The ringing of bells, which ever
+particularly affects me, the singing of birds, the fineness of the day,
+the beauty of the landscape, the scattered country houses, among which in
+idea I placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me with an
+impression so lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I saw myself
+in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode, where my heart,
+possessing all the felicity it could desire, might taste it with raptures
+inexpressible.
+
+I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions
+as at that time; and what has particularly struck me in the recollection
+of this reverie, is that when realized, I found my situation exactly as I
+had imagined it.  If ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic
+vision, it was assuredly this; I was only deceived in its imaginary
+duration, for days, years, and life itself, passed ideally in perfect
+tranquility, while the reality lasted but a moment.  Alas!  my most
+durable happiness was but as a dream, which I had no sooner had a glimpse
+of, than I instantly awoke.
+
+I know not when I should have done, if I was to enter into a detail of
+all the follies that affection for my dear Madam de Warrens made me
+commit.  When absent from her, how often have I kissed the bed on a
+supposition that she had slept there; the curtains and all the furniture
+of my chamber, on recollecting they were hers, and that her charming
+hands had touched them; nay, the floor itself, when I considered she had
+walked there.  Sometimes even in her presence, extravagancies escaped me,
+which only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring; in a
+word, there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an
+absolute lover, and that particular renders my situation almost
+inconceivable.
+
+I had returned from Italy, not absolutely as I went there, but as no one
+of my age, perhaps, ever did before, being equally unacquainted with
+women.  My ardent constitution had found resources in those means by
+which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the
+expense of health, vigor, and frequently of life itself.  My local
+situation should likewise be considered--living with a pretty woman,
+cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart, seeing her during the
+whole day, at night surrounded with objects that recalled her incessantly
+to my remembrance, and sleeping in the bed where I knew she had slept.
+What a situation!  Who can read this without supposing me on the brink of
+the grave?  But quite the contrary; that which might have ruined me,
+acted as a preservative, at least for a time.  Intoxicated with the charm
+of living with her, with the ardent desire of passing my life there,
+absent or present I saw in her a tender mother, an amiable sister, a
+respected friend, but nothing more; meantime, her image filled my heart,
+and left room far no other object.  The extreme tenderness with which she
+inspired me excluded every other woman from my consideration, and
+preserved me from the whole sex: in a word, I was virtuous, because I
+loved her.  Let these particulars, which I recount but indifferently, be
+considered, and then let any one judge what kind of attachment I had for
+her: for my part, all I can say, is, that if it hitherto appears
+extraordinary, it will appear much more so in the sequel.
+
+My time passed in the most agreeable manner, though occupied in a way
+which was by no means calculated to please me; such as having projects to
+digest, bills to write fair, receipts to transcribe, herbs to pick, drugs
+to pound, or distillations to attend; and in the midst of all this, came
+crowds of travellers, beggars, and visitors of all denominations.  Some
+times it was necessary to converse at the same time with a soldier, an
+apothecary, a prebendary, a fine lady, and a lay brother.  I grumbled,
+swore, and wished all this troublesome medley at the devil, while she
+seemed to enjoy it, laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her
+cheeks.  What excited her mirth still more, was to see that my anger was
+increased by not being able myself to refrain from laughter.  These
+little intervals, in which I enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling, were
+charming; and if, during the dispute, another importunate visitor
+arrived, she would add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging the
+visit, meantime casting glances at me for which I could almost have beat
+her; nor could she without difficulty refrain from laughter on seeing my
+constrained politeness, though every moment glancing at her the look of
+a fury, while, even in spite of myself, I thought the scene truly
+diverting.
+
+All this, without being pleasing in itself, contributed to amuse, because
+it made up a part of a life which I thought delightful.  Nothing that was
+performed around me, nothing that I was obliged to do, suited my taste,
+but everything suited my heart; and I believe, at length, I should have
+liked the study of medicine, had not my natural distaste to it
+perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes, that prevented my thinking of
+it in a serious light.  It was, perhaps, the first time that this art
+produced mirth.  I pretended to distinguish a physical book by its smell,
+and what was more diverting, was seldom mistaken.  Madam de Warrens made
+me taste the most nauseous drugs; in vain I ran, or endeavored to defend
+myself; spite of resistance or wry faces, spite of my struggles, or even
+of my teeth, when I saw her charming fingers approach my lips, I was
+obliged to give up the contest.
+
+When shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus, any one who
+had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather
+have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or
+elixirs.
+
+My time, however, was not entirely passed in these fooleries; in the
+apartment which I occupied I found a few books: there was the Spectator,
+Puffendorf, St. Everemond, and the Henriade.  Though I had not my old
+passion for books, yet I amused myself with reading a part of them.  The
+Spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me.  The Abbe de
+Gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly, and with a greater degree of
+attention, which rendered my studies more serviceable.  I accustomed
+myself to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition;
+exercising myself in discerning pure French from my provincial idiom.
+For example, I corrected an orthographical fault (which I had in common
+with all Genevese) by these two lines of the Henriade:
+
+     Soit qu' un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres,
+     Parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres
+
+I was struck with the word 'parlat', and found a 't' was necessary to
+form the third person of the subjunctive, whereas I had always written
+and pronounced it parla, as in the present of the indicative.
+
+Sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with Madam de
+Warrens; sometimes I read to her, in which I found great satisfaction;
+and as I endeavored to read well, it was extremely serviceable to me.
+I have already observed that her mind was cultivated; her understanding
+was at this time in its meridian.  Several people of learning having been
+assiduous to ingratiate themselves, had taught her to distinguish works
+of merit; but her taste (if I may so express myself) was rather
+Protestant; ever speaking warmly of Bayle, and highly esteeming St.
+Evremond, though long since almost forgotten in France: but this did not
+prevent her having a taste for literature, or expressing her thoughts
+with elegance.  She had been brought up with polite company, and coming
+young to Savoy, by associating with people of the best fashion, had lost
+the affected manners of her own country, where the ladies mistake wit for
+sense, and only speak in epigram.
+
+Though she had seen the court but superficially, that glance was
+sufficient to give her a competent idea of it; and notwithstanding secret
+jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in debt,
+she ever preserved friends there, and never lost her pension.  She knew
+the world, and was useful.  This was her favorite theme in our
+conversations, and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas, though
+the kind of instruction I particularly had occasion for.  We read Bruyere
+together; he pleased her more than Rochefoucault, who is a dull,
+melancholy author, particularly to youth, who are not fond of
+contemplating man as he really is.  In moralizing she sometimes
+bewildered herself by the length of her discourse; but by kissing her
+lips or hand from time to time I was easily consoled, and never found
+them wearisome.
+
+This life was too delightful to be lasting; I felt this, and the
+uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my
+enjoyment.  Even in playfulness she studied my disposition, observed and
+interrogated me, forming projects for my future fortune, which I could
+readily have dispensed with.  Happily it was not sufficient to know my
+disposition, inclinations and talents; it was likewise necessary to find
+a situation in which they would be useful, and this was not the work of a
+day.  Even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my
+merit put off the time of calling it into action, by rendering her more
+difficult in the choice of means; thus (thanks to the good opinion she
+entertained of me), everything answered to my wish; but a change soon
+happened which put a period to my tranquility.
+
+A relation of Madam de Warrens, named M. d'Aubonne, came to see her; a
+man of great understanding and intrigue, being, like her, fond of
+projects, though careful not to ruin himself by them.  He had offered
+Cardinal Fleury a very compact plan for a lottery, which, however, had
+not been approved of, and he was now going to propose it to the court of
+Turin, where it was accepted and put into execution.  He remained some
+time at Annecy, where he fell in love with the Intendant's lady, who was
+very amiable, much to my taste and the only person I saw with pleasure at
+the house of Madam de Warrens.  M. d'Aubonne saw me, I was strongly
+recommended by his relation; he promised, therefore, to question and see
+what I was fit for, and, if he found me capable to seek me a situation.
+Madam de Warrens sent me to him two or three mornings, under pretense of
+messages, without acquainting me with her real intention.  He spoke to me
+gayly, on various subjects, without any appearance of observation; his
+familiarity presently set me talking, which by his cheerful and jesting
+manner he encouraged without restraint--I was absolutely charmed with
+him.  The result of his observations was, that notwithstanding the
+animation of my countenance, and promising exterior, if not absolutely
+silly, I was a lad of very little sense, and without ideas of learning;
+in fine, very ignorant in all respects, and if I could arrive at being
+curate of some village, it was the utmost honor I ought ever to aspire
+to.  Such was the account he gave of me to Madam de Warrens.  This was
+not the first time such an opinion had been formed of me, neither was it
+the last; the judgment of M. Masseron having been repeatedly confirmed.
+
+The cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not
+to need a particular explanation; for it will not be supposed that I can
+in conscience subscribe to them; and with all possible impartiality,
+whatever M. Masseron, M. d'Aubonne and many others may have said, I
+cannot help thinking them mistaken.
+
+Two things very opposite, unite in me, and in a manner which I cannot
+myself conceive.  My disposition is extremely ardent, my passions lively
+and impetuous, yet my ideas are produced slowly, with great embarrassment
+and after much afterthought.  It might be said my heart and understanding
+do not belong to the same individual.  A sentiment takes possession of my
+soul with the rapidity of lightning, but instead of illuminating, it
+dazzles and confounds me; I feel all, but see nothing; I am warm, but
+stupid; to think I must be cool.  What is astonishing, my conception is
+clear and penetrating, if not hurried: I can make excellent impromptus at
+leisure, but on the instant, could never say or do anything worth notice.
+I could hold a tolerable conversation by the post, as they say the
+Spaniards play at chess, and when I read that anecdote of a duke of
+Savoy, who turned himself round, while on a journey, to cry out 'a votre
+gorge, marchand de Paris!'  I said, "Here is a trait of my character!"
+
+This slowness of thought, joined to vivacity of feeling, I am not only
+sensible of in conversation, but even alone.  When I write, my ideas are
+arranged with the utmost difficulty.  They glance on my imagination and
+ferment till they discompose, heat, and bring on a palpitation; during
+this state of agitation, I see nothing properly, cannot write a single
+word, and must wait till it is over.  Insensibly the agitation subsides,
+the chaos acquires form, and each circumstance takes its proper place.
+Have you never seen an opera in Italy? where during the change of scene
+everything is in confusion, the decorations are intermingled, and any one
+would suppose that all would be overthrown; yet by little and little,
+everything is arranged, nothing appears wanting, and we feel surprised to
+see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle.  This is a
+resemblance of what passes in my brain when I attempt to write; had I
+always waited till that confusion was past, and then painted, in their
+natural beauties, the objects that had presented themselves, few authors
+would have surpassed me.
+
+Thence arises the extreme difficulty I find in writing; my manuscripts,
+blotted, scratched, and scarcely legible, attest the trouble they cost
+me; nor is there one of them but I have been obliged to transcribe four
+or five times before it went to press.  Never could I do anything when
+placed at a table, pen in hand; it must be walking among the rocks, or in
+the woods; it is at night in my bed, during my wakeful hours, that I
+compose; it may be judged how slowly, particularly for a man who has not
+the advantage of verbal memory, and never in his life could retain by
+heart six verses.  Some of my periods I have turned and returned in my
+head five or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper: thus it
+is that I succeed better in works that require laborious attention, than
+those that appear more trivial, such as letters, in which I could never
+succeed, and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment;
+nor can I express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it
+costing me hours of fatigue.  If I write immediately what strikes me, my
+letter is a long, confused, unconnected string of expressions, which,
+when read, can hardly be understood.
+
+It is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to
+receive them.  I have studied mankind, and think myself a tolerable
+observer, yet I know nothing from what I see, but all from what I
+remember, nor have I understanding except in my recollections.  From all
+that is said, from all that passes in my presence, I feel nothing,
+conceive nothing, the exterior sign being all that strikes me; afterwards
+it returns to my remembrance; I recollect the place, the time, the
+manner, the look, and gesture, not a circumstance escapes me; it is then,
+from what has been done or said, that I imagine what has been thought,
+and I have rarely found myself mistaken.
+
+So little master of my understanding when alone, let any one judge what I
+must be in conversation, where to speak with any degree of ease you must
+think of a thousand things at the same time: the bare idea that I should
+forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me.  Nor can
+I comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in large
+companies, where each word must pass in review before so many, and where
+it would be requisite to know their several characters and histories to
+avoid saying what might give offence.  In this particular, those who
+frequent the world would have a great advantage, as they know better
+where to be silent, and can speak with greater confidence; yet even they
+sometimes let fall absurdities; in what predicament then must he be who
+drops as it were from the clouds? it is almost impossible he should speak
+ten minutes with impunity.
+
+In a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience; that is; the
+necessity of talking perpetually, at least, the necessity of answering
+when spoken to, and keeping up the conversation when the other is silent.
+This insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me with
+variety, for I cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being
+obliged to speak continually without time for recollection.  I know not
+whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint; but if I am
+obliged to speak, I infallibly talk nonsense.  What is still worse,
+instead of learning how to be silent when I have absolutely nothing to
+say, it is generally at such times that I have a violent inclination: and
+endeavoring to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible, I
+hastily gabble a number of words without ideas, happy when they only
+chance to mean nothing; thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my
+incapacity, I rarely fail to show it.
+
+I think I have said enough to show that, though not a fool, I have
+frequently passed for one, even among people capable of judging; this was
+the more vexatious, as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise, and
+expectation being frustrated, my stupidity appeared the more shocking.
+This detail, which a particular occasion gave birth to, will not be
+useless in the sequel, being a key to many of my actions which might
+otherwise appear unaccountable; and have been attributed to a savage
+humor I do not possess.  I love society as much as any man, was I not
+certain to exhibit myself in it, not only disadvantageously, but totally
+different from what I really am.  The plan I have adopted of writing and
+retirement, is what exactly suits me.  Had I been present, my worth would
+never have been known, no one would even have suspected it; thus it was
+with Madam Dupin, a woman of sense, in whose house I lived for several
+years; indeed, she has often since owned it to me: though on the whole
+this rule may be subject to some exceptions.  I shall now return to my
+history.
+
+The estimate of my talents thus fixed, the situation I was capable of
+promised, the question only remained how to render her capable of
+fulfilling my destined vocation.  The principle difficulty was, I did not
+know Latin enough for a priest.  Madam de Warrens determined to have me
+taught for some time at the seminary, and accordingly spoke of it to the
+Superior, who was a Lazarist, called M. Gras, a good-natured little
+fellow, half blind, meagre, gray-haired, insensible, and the least
+pedantic of any Lazarist I ever knew; which, in fact, is saying no great
+matter.
+
+He frequently visited Madam de Warrens, who entertained, caressed, and
+made much of him, letting him sometimes lace her stays, an office he was
+willing enough to perform.  While thus employed, she would run about the
+room, this way or that, as occasion happened to call her.  Drawn by the
+lace, Monsieur the Superior followed, grumbling, repeating at every
+moment, "Pray, madam, do stand still;" the whole forming a scene truly
+diverting.
+
+M. Gras willingly assented to the project of Madam de Warrens, and, for a
+very moderate pension, charged himself with the care of instructing me.
+The consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary, who not only
+granted it, but offered to pay the pension, permitting me to retain the
+secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they might
+have in my improvement.
+
+What a change! but I was obliged to submit; though I went to the seminary
+with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to execution.
+What a melancholy abode! especially for one who left the house of a
+pretty woman.  I carried one book with me, that I had borrowed of Madam
+de Warrens, and found it a capital resource! it will not be easily
+conjectured what kind of book this was--it was a music book.  Among the
+talents she had cultivated, music was not forgotten; she had a tolerable
+good voice, sang agreeably, and played on the harpsichord.  She had taken
+the pains to give me some lessons in singing, though before I was very
+uninformed in that respect, hardly knowing the music of our psalms.
+Eight or ten interrupted lessons, far from putting me in a condition to
+improve myself, did not teach me half the notes; notwithstanding, I had
+such a passion for the art, that I determined to exercise myself alone.
+The book I took was not of the most easy kind; it was the cantatas of
+Clerambault.  It may be conceived with what attention and perseverance I
+studied, when I inform my reader, that without knowing anything of
+transposition or quantity, I contrived to sing with tolerable
+correctness, the first recitative and air in the cantata of Alpheus and
+Arethusa; it is true this air is, so justly set, that it is only
+necessary to recite the verses in their just measure to catch the music.
+
+There was at the seminary a curst Lazarist, who by undertaking to teach
+me Latin made me detest it.  His hair was coarse, black and greasy, his
+face like those formed in gingerbread, he had the voice of a buffalo, the
+countenance of an owl, and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a beard; his
+smile was sardonic, and his limbs played like those of a puppet moved by
+wires.  I have forgotten his odious name, but the remembrance of his
+frightful precise countenance remains with me, though hardly can I
+recollect it without trembling; especially when I call to mind our
+meeting in the gallery, when he graciously advanced his filthy square cap
+as a sign for me to enter his apartment, which appeared more dismal in my
+apprehension than a dungeon.  Let any one judge the contrast between my
+present master and the elegant Abbe de Gauvon.
+
+Had I remained two months at the mercy of this monster, I am certain my
+head could not have sustained it; but the good M. Gras, perceiving I was
+melancholy, grew thin, and did not eat my victuals, guessed the cause of
+my uneasiness (which indeed was not very difficult) and taking me from
+the claws of this beast, by another yet more striking contrast, placed me
+with the gentlest of men, a young Faucigneran abbe, named M. Gatier,
+who studied at the seminary, and out of complaisance for M. Gras, and
+humanity to myself, spared some time from the prosecution of his own
+studies in order to direct mine.  Never did I see a more pleasing
+countenance than that of M. Gatier.  He was fair complexioned, his beard
+rather inclined to red; his behavior like that of the generality of his
+countrymen (who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much
+understanding), marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul.
+In his large blue eyes there was a mixture of softness, tenderness, and
+melancholy, which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's
+self interested.  From the looks and manner of this young abbe he might
+have been supposed to have foreseen his destiny, and that he was born to
+be unhappy.
+
+His disposition did not belie his physiognomy: full of patience and
+complaisance, he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me.
+So much was not necessary to make me love him, his predecessor having
+rendered that very easy; yet, notwithstanding all the time he bestowed on
+me, notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations, and that his plan of
+teaching was excellent, with much labor, I made little progress.  It is
+very singular, that with a clear conception I could never learn much from
+masters except my father and M. Lambercier; the little I know besides I
+have learned alone, as will be seen hereafter.  My spirit, impatient of
+every species of constraint, cannot submit to the law of the moment; even
+the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive, and a dread of
+wearying those who teach, makes me feign to understand them; thus they
+proceed faster than I can comprehend, and the conclusion is I learn
+nothing.  My understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to
+that of another.
+
+The time of ordination being arrived, M. Gatier returned to his province
+as deacon, leaving me with gratitude, attachment, and sorrow for his
+loss.  The vows I made for him were no more answered than those I offered
+for myself.  Some years after, I learned, that being vicar of a parish,
+a young girl was with child by him, being the only one (though he
+possessed a very tender heart) with whom he was ever in love.  This was a
+dreadful scandal in a diocese severely governed, where the priests (being
+under good regulation) ought never to have children--except by married
+women.  Having infringed this politic law, he was put in prison, defamed,
+and driven from his benefice.  I know not whether it was ever after in
+his power to reestablish his affairs; but the remembrance of his
+misfortunes, which were deeply engraven on my heart, struck me when I
+wrote Emilius, and uniting M. Gatier with M. Gaime, I formed from these
+two worthy priests the character of the Savoyard Vicar, and flatter
+myself the imitation has not dishonored the originals.
+
+While I was at the seminary, M. d'Aubonne was obliged to quit Annecy,
+Moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife, which was acting
+like a dog in the manger, for though Madam Moultou was extremely amiable,
+he lived very ill with her, treating her with such brutality that a
+separation was talked of.  Moultou, by repeated oppressions, at length
+procured a dismissal from his employment: he was a disagreeable man; a
+mole could not be blacker, nor an owl more knavish.  It is said the
+provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs; M. d'Aubonne
+revenged himself on his by a comedy, which he sent to Madam de Warrens,
+who showed it to me.  I was pleased with it, and immediately conceived
+the idea of writing one, to try whether I was so silly as the author had
+pronounced me.  This project was not executed till I went to Chambery,
+where I wrote 'The Lover of Himself'.  Thus when I said in the preface to
+that piece, "it was written at eighteen," I cut off a few years.
+
+Nearly about this time an event happened, not very important in itself,
+but whose consequence affected me, and made a noise in the world when I
+had forgotten it.  Once a week I was permitted to go out; it is not
+necessary to say what use I made of this liberty.  Being one Sunday at
+Madam de Warrens, a building belonging to the Cordeliers, which joined
+her house, took fire; this building which contained their oven, being
+full of dry fagots, blazed violently and greatly endangered the house;
+for the wind happening to drive the flames that way, it was covered with
+them.  The furniture, therefore, was hastily got out and carried into the
+garden which fronted the windows, on the other side the before-mentioned
+brook.  I was so alarmed that I threw indiscriminately everything that
+came to hand out of the window, even to a large stone mortar, which at
+another time I should have found it difficult to remove, and should have
+thrown a handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me.
+The good bishop, who that day was visiting Madam de Warrens, did not
+remain idle; he took her into the garden, where they went to prayers with
+the rest that were assembled there, and where sometime afterwards,
+I found them on their knees, and presently joined them.  While the good
+man was at his devotions, the wind changed, so suddenly and critically,
+that the flames which had covered the house and began to enter the
+windows, were carried to the other side of the court, and the house
+received no damage.  Two years after, Monsieur de Berner being dead, the
+Antoines, his former brethren, began to collect anecdotes which might
+serve as arguments of his beatification; at the desire of Father Baudet,
+I joined to these an attestation of what I have just related, in doing
+which, though I attested no more than the truth, I certainly acted ill,
+as it tended to make an indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle.  I had
+seen the bishop in prayer, and had likewise seen the wind change during
+the prayer, and even much to the purpose, all this I could certify truly;
+but that one of these facts was the cause of the other, I ought not to
+have attested, because it is what I could not possibly be assured of.
+Thus much I may say, that as far as I can recollect what my ideas were at
+that time, I was sincerely, and in good earnest a Catholic.  Love of the
+marvellous is natural to the human heart; my veneration for the virtuous
+prelate, and secret pride in having, perhaps, contributed to the event in
+question, all helped to seduce me; and certainly, if this miracle was the
+effect of ardent prayer, I had a right to claim a share of the merits.
+
+More than thirty years after, when I published the 'Lettres de la
+Montagne', M. Feron (I know not by what means) discovered this
+attestation, and made use of it in his paper.  I must confess the
+discovery was very critically timed, and appeared very diverting,
+even to me.
+
+I was destined to be the outcast of every condition; for notwithstanding
+M. Gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my
+studies, they plainly saw the improvement I received bore no proportion
+to the pains taken to instruct me, which was no encouragement to continue
+them: the bishop and superior, therefore, were disheartened, and I was
+sent back to Madam de Warrens, as a subject not even fit to make a priest
+of; but as they allowed, at the same time, that I was a tolerably good
+lad, and far from being vicious, this account counterbalanced the former,
+and determined her not to abandon me.
+
+I carried back in triumph the dear music book, which had been so useful
+to me, the air of Alpheus and Arethusa being almost all I had learned at
+the seminary.  My predilection for this art started the idea of making a
+musician of, me.  A convenient opportunity offered; once a week, at
+least, she had a concert at her house, and the music-master from the
+cathedral, who directed this little band, came frequently to see her.
+This was a Parisian, named M. le Maitre, a good composer, very lively,
+gay, young, well made, of little understanding, but, upon the whole, a
+good sort of man.  Madam de Warrens made us acquainted; I attached myself
+to him, and he seemed not displeased with me.  A pension was talked of,
+and agreed on; in short, I went home with him, and passed the winter the
+more agreeably at his chambers, as they were not above twenty paces
+distant from Madam de Warrens', where we frequently supped together.
+It may easily be supposed that this situation, ever gay, and singing with
+the musicians and children of the choir, was more pleasing to me than the
+seminary and fathers of St. Lazarus.  This life, though free, was
+regular; here I learned to prize independence, but never to abuse it.
+For six whole months I never once went out except to see Madam de
+Warrens, or to church, nor had I any inclination to it.  This interval is
+one of those in which I enjoyed the greatest satisfaction, and which I
+have ever recollected with pleasure.  Among the various situations I have
+been placed in, some were marked with such an idea of virtuous
+satisfaction, that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet
+present.  I vividly recollect the time, the place, the persons, and even
+the temperature of the air, while the lively idea of a certain local
+impression peculiar to those times, transports me back again to the very
+spot; for example, all that was repeated at our meetings, all that was
+sung in the choir, everything that passed there; the beautiful and noble
+habits of the canons, the chasubles of the priests, the mitres of the
+singers, the persons of the musicians; an old lame carpenter who played
+the counter-bass, a little fair abbe who performed on the violin, the
+ragged cassock which M. le Maitre, after taking off his sword, used to
+put over his secular habit, and the fine surplice with which he covered
+the rags of the former, when he went to the choir; the pride with which I
+held my little flute to my lips, and seated myself in the orchestra, to
+assist in a recitative which M. le Maitre had composed on purpose for me;
+the good dinner that afterwards awaited us, and the good appetites we
+carried to it.  This concourse of objects, strongly retraced in my
+memory, has charmed me a hundred time as much, or perhaps more, than ever
+the reality had done.  I have always preserved an affection for a certain
+air of the 'Conditor alme Syderum', because one Sunday in Advent I heard
+that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral, (according to the custom of
+that place) as I lay in bed before daybreak.  Mademoiselle Merceret,
+Madam de Warrens' chambermaid, knew something of music; I shall never
+forget a little piece that M. le Maitre made me sing with her, and which
+her mistress listened to with great satisfaction.  In a word, every
+particular, even down to the servant Perrine, whom the boys of the choir
+took such delight in teasing.  The remembrance of these times of
+happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind, both ravish and
+affect me.
+
+I lived at Annecy during a year without the least reproach, giving
+universal satisfaction.  Since my departure from Turin I had been guilty
+of no folly, committed none while under the eye of Madam de Warrens.
+She was my conductor, and ever led me right; my attachment for her became
+my only passion, and what proves it was not a giddy one, my heart and
+understanding were in unison.  It is true that a single sentiment,
+absorbing all my faculties, put me out of a capacity of learning even
+music: but this was not my fault, since to the strongest inclination,
+I added the utmost assiduity.  I was attentive and thoughtful; what could
+I do?  Nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me;
+meantime, it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion
+the commission of new follies: that subject presented itself, chance
+arranged it, and (as will be seen hereafter) my inconsiderate head gave
+in to it.
+
+One evening, in the month of February, when it was very cold, being all
+sat round the fire, we heard some one knock at the street door.  Perrine
+took a light, went down and opened it: a young man entering, came
+upstairs, presented himself with an easy air, and making M. Maitre a
+short, but well-turned compliment, announced himself as a French
+musician, constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty.
+The hart of the good Le Maitre leaped at the name of a French musician,
+for he passionately loved both his country and profession; he therefore
+offered the young traveller his service--and use of his apartment, which
+he appeared to stand much in need of, and which he accepted without much
+ceremony.  I observed him while he was chatting and warming himself
+before supper; he was short and thick, having some fault in his shape,
+though without any particular deformity; he had (if I may so express
+myself) an appearance of being hunchbacked, with flat shoulders, and I
+think he limped.  He wore a black coat, rather worn than old, which hung
+in tatters, a very fine but dirty shirt, frayed ruffles; a pair of
+splatterdashes so large that he could have put both legs into either of
+them, and, to secure himself from the snow, a little hat, only fit to be
+carried under his arm.  With this whimsical equipage, he had, however,
+something elegant in his manners and conversation; his countenance was
+expressive and agreeable, and he spoke with facility if not with modesty;
+in short, everything about him bore the mark of a young debauchee, who
+did not crave assistance like a beggar, but as a thoughtless madcap.
+He told us his name was Venture de Villeneuve, that he came from Paris,
+had lost his way, and seeming to forget that he had announced himself for
+a musician, added that he was going to Grenoble to see a relation that
+was a member of Parliament.
+
+During supper we talked of music, on which subject he spoke well: he knew
+all the great virtuosi, all the celebrated works, all the actors,
+actresses, pretty women, and powerful lords; in short nothing was
+mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with.  Though no
+sooner was any topic started, than by some drollery, which set every one
+a-laughing, he made them forget what had been said.  This was on a
+Saturday; the next day there was to be music at the cathedral: M. le
+Maitre asked if he would sing there--"Very willingly."--"What part would
+he chose?"--"The counter-tenor:" and immediately began speaking of other
+things.  Before he went to church they offered him his part to peruse,
+but he did not even look at it.  This Gasconade surprised Le Maitre
+--"You'll see," said he, whispering to me, "that he does not know a single
+note."--I replied: "I am very much afraid of him."  I followed them into
+the church; but was extremely uneasy, and when they began, my heart beat
+violently, so much was I interested in his behalf.
+
+I was presently out of pain: he sung his two recitatives with all
+imaginable taste and judgment; and what was yet more, with a very
+agreeable voice.  I never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise.  After mass,
+M. Venture received the highest compliments from the canons and
+musicians, which he answered jokingly, though with great grace.  M. le
+Maitre embraced him heartily; I did the same; he saw I was rejoiced at
+his success, and appeared pleased at my satisfaction.
+
+It will easily be surmised, that after having been delighted with M.
+Bacle, who had little to attract my admiration, I should be infatuated
+with M. Venture, who had education, wit, talents, and a knowledge of the
+world, and might be called an agreeable rake.  This was exactly what
+happened, and would, I believe, have happened to any other young man in
+my place; especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to
+distinguish merit, and more propensity to be engaged by it; for Venture
+doubtless possessed a considerable share, and one in particular, very
+rare at his age, namely, that of never being in haste to display his
+talents.  It is true, he boasted of many things he did not understand,
+but of those he knew (which were very numerous) he said nothing,
+patiently waiting some occasion to display them, which he then did with
+ease, though without forwardness, and thus gave them more effect.
+As there was ever some intermission between the proofs of his various
+abilities, it was impossible to conjecture whether he had ever discovered
+all his talents.  Playful, giddy, inexhaustible, seducing in
+conversation, ever smiling, but never laughing, and repeating the rudest
+things in the most elegant manner--even the most modest women were
+astonished at what they endured from him: it was in vain for them to
+determine to be angry; they could not assume the appearance of it.
+It was extraordinary that with so many agreeable talents, in a country
+where they are so well understood, and so much admired, he so long
+remained only a musician.
+
+My attachment to M. Venture, more reasonable in its cause, was also less
+extravagant in its effects, though more lively and durable than that I
+had conceived for M. Bacle.  I loved to see him, to hear him, all his
+actions appeared charming, everything he said was an oracle to me, but
+the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting
+him.  I spoke of him with transport to Madam de Warrens, Le Maitre
+likewise spoke in his praise, and she consented we should bring him to
+her house.  This interview did not succeed; he thought her affected, she
+found him a libertine, and, alarmed that I had formed such an ill
+acquaintance, not only forbade me bringing him there again, but likewise
+painted so strongly the danger I ran with this young man, that I became a
+little more circumspect in giving in to the attachment; and very happily,
+both for my manners and wits, we were soon separated.
+
+M. le Maitre, like most of his profession, loved good wine; at table he
+was moderate, but when busy in his closet he must drink.  His maid was so
+well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper
+to compose, and taken his violoncello, than the bottle and glass arrived,
+and was replenished from time to time: thus, without being ever
+absolutely intoxicated, he was usually in a state of elevation.  This was
+really unfortunate, for he had a good heart, and was so playful that
+Madam de Warrens used to call him the kitten.  Unhappily, he loved his
+profession, labored much and drank proportionately, which injured his
+health, and at length soured his temper.  Sometimes he was gloomy and
+easily offended, though incapable of rudeness, or giving offence to any
+one, for never did he utter a harsh word, even to the boys of the choir:
+on the other hand, he would not suffer another to offend him, which was
+but just: the misfortune was, having little understanding, he did not
+properly discriminate, and was often angry without cause.
+
+The Chapter of Geneva, where so many princes and bishops formerly thought
+it an honor to be seated, though in exile it lost its ancient splendor,
+retained (without any diminution) its pride.  To be admitted, you must
+either be a gentleman or Doctor of Sorbonne.  If there is a pardonable
+pride, after that derived from personal merit, it is doubtless that
+arising from birth, though, in general, priests having laymen in their
+service treat them with sufficient haughtiness, and thus the canons
+behaved to poor Le Maitre.  The chanter, in particular, who was called
+the Abbe de Vidonne, in other respects a well-behaved man, but too full
+of his nobility, did not always show him the attention his talents
+merited.  M. le Maitre could not bear these indignities patiently;
+and this year, during passion week, they had a more serious dispute than
+ordinary.  At an institution dinner that the bishop gave the canons, and
+to which M. Maitre was always invited, the abbe failed in some formality,
+adding, at the same time, some harsh words, which the other could not
+digest; he instantly formed the resolution to quit them the following
+night; nor could any consideration make him give up his design, though
+Madam de Warrens (whom he went to take leave of) spared no pains to
+appease him.  He could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants
+embarrassed for the Easter feast, at which time he knew they stood in
+greatest need of him.  He was most concerned about his music, which he
+wished to take with him; but this could not easily be accomplished, as it
+filled a large case, and was very heavy, and could not be carried under
+the arm.
+
+Madam de Warrens did what I should have done in her situation; and
+indeed, what I should yet do: after many useless efforts to retain him,
+seeing he was resolved to depart, whatever might be the event, she formed
+the resolution to give him every possible assistance.  I must confess Le
+Maitre deserved it of her, for he was (if I may use the expression)
+dedicated to her service, in whatever appertained to either his art or
+knowledge, and the readiness with which he obliged gave a double value to
+his complaisance: thus she only paid back, on an essential occasion, the
+many favors he had been long conferring on her; though I should observe,
+she possessed a soul that, to fulfill such duties, had no occasion to be
+reminded of previous obligations.  Accordingly she ordered me to follow
+Le Maitre to Lyons, and to continue with him as long as he might have
+occasion for my services.  She has since avowed, that a desire of
+detaching me from Venture had a great hand in this arrangement.  She
+consulted Claude Anet about the conveyance of the above-mentioned case.
+He advised, that instead of hiring a beast at Annecy, which would
+infallibly discover us, it would be better, at night, to take it to some
+neighboring village, and there hire an ass to carry it to Seyssel, which
+being in the French dominions, we should have nothing to fear.  This plan
+was adopted; we departed the same night at seven, and Madam de Warrens,
+under pretense of paying my expenses, increased the purse of poor Le
+Maitre by an addition that was very acceptable.  Claude Anet, the
+gardiner, and myself, carried the case to the first village, then hired
+an ass, and the same night reached Seyssel.
+
+I think I have already remarked that there are times in which I am so
+unlike myself that I might be taken for a man of a direct opposite
+disposition; I shall now give an example of this.  M. Reydelet, curate of
+Seyssel, was canon of St. Peter's, consequently known to M. le Maitre,
+and one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to
+conceal himself; my advice, on the contrary, was to present ourselves to
+him, and, under some pretext, entreat entertainment as if we visited him
+by consent of the chapter.  Le Maitre adopted the idea, which seemed to
+give his revenge the appearance of satire and waggery; in short, we went
+boldly to Reydelet, who received us very kindly.  Le Maitre told him he
+was going to Bellay by desire of the bishop, that he might superintend
+the music during the Easter holidays, and that he proposed returning that
+way in a few days.  To support this tale, I told a hundred others, so
+naturally that M. Reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth, and treated
+me with great friendship and civility.  We were well regaled and well
+lodged: M. Reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us; and we parted
+the best friends in the world, with a promise to stop longer on our
+return.  We found it difficult to refrain from laughter, or wait till we
+were alone to give free vent to our mirth: indeed, even now, the bare
+recollection of it forces a smile, for never was waggery better or more
+fortunately maintained.  This would have made us merry during the
+remainder of our journey, if M. le Maitre (who did not cease drinking)
+had not been two or three times attacked with a complaint that he
+afterwards became very subject to, and which resembled an epilepsy.
+These fits threw me into the most fearful embarrassments, from which I
+resolved to extricate myself with the first opportunity.
+
+According to the information given to M. Reydelet, we passed our Easter
+holidays at Bellay, and though not expected there, were received by the
+music--master, and welcomed by every one with great pleasure.  M. le
+Maitre was of considerable note in his profession, and, indeed, merited
+that distinction.  The music-master of Bellay (who was fond of his own
+works) endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge; for
+besides being a connoisseur, M. le Maitre was equitable, neither a
+jealous, ill-natured critic, nor a servile flatterer.  He was so superior
+to the generality of country music-masters and they were so sensible of
+it, that they treated him rather as their chief than a brother musician.
+
+Having passed four or five days very agreeably at Bellay, we departed,
+and continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents, except
+those I have just spoken of, arrived at Lyons, and were lodged at Notre
+Dame de Pitie.  While we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned
+case (which by the assistance of another lie, and the care of our good
+patron, M. Reydelet, we had embarked on the Rhone) M. le Maitre went to
+visit his acquaintance, and among others Father Cato, a Cordelier, who
+will be spoken of hereafter, and the Abbe Dortan, Count of Lyons, both of
+whom received him well, but afterwards betrayed him, as will be seen
+presently; indeed, his good fortune terminated with M. Reydelet.
+
+Two days after our arrival at Lyons, as we passed a little street not far
+from our inn, Le Maitre was attacked by one of his fits; but it was now
+so violent as to give me the utmost alarm.  I screamed with terror,
+called for help, and naming our inn, entreated some one to bear him to
+it, then (while the people were assembled, and busy round a man that had
+fallen senseless in the street) he was abandoned by the only friend on
+whom he could have any reasonable dependence; I seized the instant when
+no one heeded me, turned the corner of the street and disappeared.
+Thanks to Heaven, I have made my third painful confession; if many such
+remained, I should certainly abandon the work I have undertaken.
+
+Of all the incidents I have yet related, a few traces are remaining in
+the places where I have lived; but what I have to relate in the following
+book is almost entirely unknown; these are the greatest extravagancies of
+my life, and it is happy they had not worse conclusions.  My head, (if I
+may use the simile) screwed up to the pitch of an instrument it did not
+naturally accord with, had lost its diapason; in time it returned to it
+again, when I discontinued my follies, or at least gave in to those more
+consonant to my disposition.  This epoch of my youth I am least able to
+recollect, nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence my
+heart, to make me clearly retrace the remembrance.  In so many successive
+changes, it is difficult not to make some transpositions of time or
+place.  I write absolutely from memory, without notes or materials to
+help my recollection.  Some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had
+recently happened, but there are certain chasms which I cannot fill up
+but by the aid of recital, as confused as the remaining traces of those
+to which they refer.  It is possible, therefore, that I may have erred in
+trifles, and perhaps shall again, but in every matter of importance I can
+answer that the account is faithfully exact, and with the same veracity
+the reader may depend I shall be careful to continue it.
+
+My resolution was soon taken after quitting Le Maitre; I set out
+immediately for Annecy.  The cause and mystery of our departure had
+interested me for the security of our retreat: this interest, which
+entirely employed my thoughts for some days, had banished every other
+idea; but no sooner was I secure and in tranquility, than my predominant
+sentiment regained its place.  Nothing flattered, nothing tempted me, I
+had no wish but to return to Madam de Warrens; the tenderness and truth
+of my attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable
+project, and all the follies of ambition, I conceived no happiness but
+living near her, nor could I take a step without feeling that the
+distance between us was increased.  I returned, therefore, as soon as
+possible, with such speed, and with my spirits in such a state of
+agitation, that though I recall with pleasure all my other travels, I
+have not the least recollection of this, only remembering my leaving
+Lyons and reaching Annecy.  Let anyone judge whether this last event can
+have slipped my memory, when informed that on my arrival I found Madam de
+Warrens was not there, having set out for Paris.
+
+I was never well informed of the motives of this journey.  I am certain
+she would have told me had I asked her, but never was man less curious to
+learn the secrets of his friend.  My heart is ever so entirely filled
+with the present, or with past pleasures, which become a principal part
+of my enjoyment, that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to
+enter.  All that I conceive from what I heard of it, is, that in the
+revolution caused at Turin by the abdication of the King of Sardinia,
+she feared being forgotten, and was willing by favor of the intrigues of
+M. d' Aubonne to seek the same advantage in the court of France, where
+she has often told me she should, have preferred it, as the multiplicity
+of business there prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected.
+If this was her business, it is astonishing that on her return she was
+not ill received; be that as it will, she continued to enjoy her
+allowance without any interruption.  Many people imagined she was charged
+with some secret commission, either by the bishop, who then had business
+at the court of France, where he himself was soon after obliged to go,
+or some one yet more powerful, who knew how to insure her a gracious
+reception at her return.  If this was the case, it is certain the
+ambassadress was not ill chosen, since being young and handsome, she had
+all the necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau,
+Book III., by Jean Jacques Rousseau
+
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book 3
+#3 in our series by Jean Jacques Rousseau
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+Title: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book 3
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+Author: Jean Jacques Rousseau
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+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
+(In 12 books)
+
+Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society
+
+London, 1903
+
+
+
+BOOK III.
+
+
+Leaving the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had entered it,
+I returned to my former hostess, and remained there five or six weeks;
+during which time health, youth, and laziness, frequently rendered my
+temperament importunate.  I was restless, absent, and thoughtful: I wept
+and sighed for a happiness I had no idea of, though at the same time
+highly sensible of some deficiency.  This situation is indescribable,
+few men can even form any conception of it, because, in general, they
+have prevented that plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious.
+My thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a
+manner peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and
+disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the
+means of deliverance.  I would have given my life to have met with a Miss
+Goton, but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated;
+increase of years had introduced shame, the inseparable companion of a
+conscious deviation from rectitude, which so confirmed my natural
+timidity as to render it invincible; and never, either at that time or
+since, could I prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my
+wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances) even
+with those whose scruples I had no cause to dread.
+
+My stay at Madam de Vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance, which
+I thought might be serviceable to me, and therefore wished to retain.
+Among others, I sometimes visited a Savoyard abbe, M. Gaime, who was
+tutor to the Count of Melarede's children.  He was young, and not much
+known, but possessed an excellent cultivated understanding, with great
+probity, and was, altogether, one of the best men I ever knew.  He was
+incapable of doing me the service I then stood most in need of, not
+having sufficient interest to procure me a situation, but from him I
+reaped advantages far more precious, which have been useful to me through
+life, lessons of pure morality, and maxims of sound judgment.
+
+In the successive order of my inclinations and ideas, I had ever been too
+high or too low.  Achilles or Thersites; sometimes a hero, at others a
+villain.  M. Gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with myself,
+without sparing or giving me too much discouragement.  He spoke in
+advantageous terms of my disposition and talents, adding, that he foresaw
+obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them; thus, according to
+him, they were to serve less as steps by which I should mount to fortune,
+than as resources which might enable me to exist without one.  He gave me
+a true picture of human life, of which, hitherto, I had formed but a very
+erroneous idea, teaching me, that a man of understanding, though destined
+to experience adverse fortune, might, by skilful management, arrive at
+happiness; that there was no true felicity without virtue, which was
+practicable in every situation.  He greatly diminished my admiration of
+grandeur, by proving that those in a superior situation are neither
+better nor happier than those they command.  One of his maxims has
+frequently returned to my memory: it was, that if we could truly read the
+hearts of others we should feel more inclination to descend than rise:
+this reflection, the truth of which is striking without extravagance,
+I have found of great utility, in the various exigences of my life, as it
+tended to make me satisfied with my condition.  He gave me the first just
+conception of relative duties, which my high-flown imagination had ever
+pictured in extremes, making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime
+virtues is of little use in society; that while endeavoring to rise too
+high we are in danger of falling; and that a virtuous and uniform
+discharge of little duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as
+actions which are called heroic, and would at the same time procure more
+honor and happiness.  That it was infinitely more desirable to possess
+the lasting esteem of those about us, than at intervals to attract
+admiration.
+
+In properly arranging the various duties between man and man, it was
+necessary to ascend to principles; the step I had recently taken, and of
+which my present situation was the consequence, naturally led us to speak
+of religion.  It will easily be conceived that the honest M. Gaime was,
+in a great measure, the original of the Savoyard Vicar; prudence only
+obliging him to deliver his sentiments, on certain points, with more
+caution and reserve, and explain himself with less freedom; but his
+sentiments and councils were the same, not even excepting his advice to
+return to my country; all was precisely as I have since given it to the
+pubic.  Dwelling no longer, therefore, on conversations which everyone
+may see the substance of, I shall only add, that these wise instructions
+(though they did not produce an immediate effect) were as so many seeds
+of virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out, and only
+required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity.
+
+Though my conversation was not very sincere, I was affected by his
+discourses, and far from being weary, was pleased with them on account of
+their clearness and simplicity, but above all because his heart seemed
+interested in what he said.  My disposition is naturally tender, I have
+ever been less attached to people for the good they have really done me
+than for that they designed to do, and my feelings in this particular
+have seldom misled me: thus I truly esteemed M. Gaime.  I was in a manner
+his second disciple, which even at that time was of inestimable service
+in turning me from a propensity to vice into which my idleness was
+leading me.
+
+One day, when I least expected it, I was sent for by the Count de la
+Roque.  Having frequently called at his house, without being able to
+speak with him, I grew weary, and supposing he had either forgot me or
+retained some unfavorable impression of me, returned no more: but I was
+mistaken in both these conjectures.  He had more than once witnessed the
+pleasure I took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt: he had even mentioned
+it to her, and afterwards spoke of it, when I no longer thought of it
+myself.
+
+He received me graciously, saying that instead of amusing me with useless
+promises, he had sought to place me to advantage; that he had succeeded,
+and would put me in a way to better my situation, but the rest must
+depend on myself.  That the family into which he should introduce me
+being both powerful and esteemed, I should need no other patrons; and
+though at first on the footing of a servant, I might he assured, that if
+my conduct and sentiments were found above that station, I should not
+long remain in it.  The end of this discourse cruelly disappointed the
+brilliant hopes the beginning had inspired.  "What! forever a footman?"
+said I to myself, with a bitterness which confidence presently effaced,
+for I felt myself too superior to that situation to fear long remaining
+there.
+
+He took me to the Count de Gauvon, Master of the Horse to the Queen, and
+Chief of the illustrious House of Solar.  The air of dignity conspicuous
+in this respectable old man, rendered the affability with which he
+received me yet more interesting.  He questioned me with evident
+interest, and I replied with sincerity.  He then told the Count de la
+Roque, that my features were agreeable, and promised intellect, which he
+believed I was not deficient in; but that was not enough, and time must
+show the rest; after which, turning to me, he said, "Child, almost all
+situations are attended with difficulties in the beginning; yours,
+however, shall not have too great a portion of them; be prudent, and
+endeavor to please everyone, that will be almost your only employment;
+for the rest fear nothing, you shall be taken care of."  Immediately
+after he went to the Marchioness de Breil, his daughter-in-law, to whom
+he presented me, and then to the Abbe de Gauvon, his son.  I was elated
+with this beginning, as I knew enough of the world already to conclude,
+that so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a
+footman.  In fact, I was not treated like one.  I dined at the steward's
+table; did not wear a livery; and the Count de Favria (a giddy youth)
+having commanded me to get behind his coach, his grandfather ordered that
+I should get behind no coach, nor follow any one out of the house.
+Meantime, I waited at table, and did, within doors, the business of a
+footman; but I did it, as it were, of my own free will, without being
+appointed to any particular service; and except writing some letters,
+which were dictated to me, and cutting out some ornaments for the Count
+de Favria, I was almost the absolute master of my time.  This trial of my
+discretion, which I did not then perceive, was certainly very dangerous,
+and not very humane; for in this state of idleness I might have
+contracted vices which I should not otherwise have given into.
+Fortunately, it did not produce that effect; my memory retained the
+lessons of M. Gaime, they had made an impression on my heart, and I
+sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition of
+them.  I believe those who saw me going out, apparently by stealth, had
+no conception of my business.  Nothing could be more prudent than the
+advice he gave me respecting my conduct.  My beginning was admirable; so
+much attention, assiduity, and zeal, had charmed everyone.  The Abby
+Gaime advised me to moderate this first ardor, lest I should relax, and
+that relaxation should be considered as neglect.  "Your setting out,"
+said he, "is the rule of what will be expected of you; endeavor gradually
+to increase your attentions, but be cautious how you diminish them."
+
+As they paid but little attention to my trifling talents, and supposed I
+possessed no more than nature had given me, there was no appearance
+(notwithstanding the promises of Count de Gauvon) of my meeting with any
+particular consideration.  Some objects of more consequence had
+intervened.  The Marquis de Breil, son of the Count de Gauvon, was then
+ambassador at Vienna; some circumstances had occurred at that court which
+for some weeks kept the family in continual agitation, and left them no
+time to think of me.  Meantime I had relaxed but little in my attentions,
+though one object in the family did me both good and harm, making me more
+secure from exterior dissipation, but less attentive to my duty.
+
+Mademoiselle de Breil was about my own age, tolerably handsome, and very
+fair complexioned, with black hair, which notwithstanding, gave her
+features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen, and which my
+heart could never resist.  The court dress, so favorable to youth, showed
+her fine neck and shape to advantage, and the mourning, which was then
+worn, seemed to add to her beauty.  It will be said, a domestic should
+not take notice of these things; I was certainly to blame, yet I
+perceived all this, nor was I the only one; the maitre d' hotel and valet
+de chambre spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that pained
+me extremely.  My head, however, was not sufficiently turned to allow of
+my being entirely in love; I did not forget myself, or my situation.
+I loved to see Mademoiselle de Breil; to hear her utter anything that
+marked wit, sense, or good humor: my ambition, confined to a desire of
+waiting on her, never exceeded its just rights.  At table I was ever
+attentive to make the most of them; if her footman quitted her chair,
+I instantly supplied his place; in default of this, I stood facing her,
+seeking in her eyes what she was about to ask for, and watching the
+moment to change her plate.  What would I not have given to hear her
+command, to have her look at, or speak the smallest word to me! but no,
+I had the mortification to be beneath her regard; she did not even
+perceive I was there.  Her brother, who frequently spoke to me while at
+table, having one day said something which I did not consider obliging,
+I made him so arch and well-turned an answer, that it drew her attention;
+she cast her eyes upon me, and this glance was sufficient to fill me with
+transport.  The next day, a second occasion presented itself, which I
+fortunately made use of.  A great dinner was given; and I saw, with
+astonishment, for the first time, the maitre d' hotel waiting at table,
+with a sword by his side, and hat on his head.  By chance, the discourse
+turned on the motto of the house of Solar, which was, with the arms,
+worked in the tapestry: 'Tel fiert qui ne fue pas'.  As the Piedmontese
+are not in general very perfect in the French language, they found fault
+with the orthography, saying, that in the word fiert there should be no
+'t'.  The old Count de Gauvon was going to reply, when happening to cast
+his eyes on me, he perceived I smiled without daring to say anything;
+he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion.  I then said, I did not
+think the 't' superfluous, 'fiert' being an old French word, not derived
+from the noun 'ferus', proud, threatening; but from the verb 'ferit', he
+strikes, he wounds; the motto, therefore, did not appear to mean, some
+threat, but, 'Some strike who do not kill'.  The whole company fixed
+their eyes on me, then on each other, without speaking a word; never was
+a greater degree of astonishment; but what most flattered me, was an air
+of satisfaction which I perceived on the countenance of Mademoiselle de
+Breil.  This scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least
+as valuable as the former, and turning to her grandfather, appeared to
+wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me, and which he
+fully bestowed, with such apparent satisfaction, that it was eagerly
+chorused by the whole table.  This interval was short, but delightful in
+many respects; it was one of those moments so rarely met with, which
+place things in their natural order, and revenge depressed merit for the
+injuries of fortune.  Some minutes after Mademoiselle de Breil again
+raised her eyes, desiring me with a voice of timid affability to give her
+some drink.  It will easily be supposed I did not let her wait, but
+advancing towards her, I was seized with such a trembling, that having
+filled the glass too full, I spilled some of the water on her plate,
+and even on herself.  Her brother asked me, giddily, why I trembled thus?
+This question increased my confusion, while the face of Mademoiselle de
+Breil was suffused with a crimson blush.
+
+Here ended the romance; where it may be remarked (as with Madam Basile,
+and others in the continuation of my life) that I was not fortunate in
+the conclusion of my amours.  In vain I placed myself in the antechamber
+of Madam de Breil, I could not obtain one mark of attention from her
+daughter; she went in and out without looking at me, nor had I the
+confidence to raise my eyes to her; I was even so foolishly stupid, that
+one day, on dropping her glove as she passed, instead of seizing and
+covering it with kisses, as I would gladly have done, I did not dare to
+quit my place, but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a
+footman, whom I could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness.
+To complete my timidity, I perceived I had not the good fortune to please
+Madam de Breil; she not only never ordered, but even rejected, my
+services; and having twice found me in her antechamber, asked me, dryly,
+"If I had nothing to do?"  I was obliged, therefore, to renounce this
+dear antechamber; at first it caused me some uneasiness, but other things
+intervening, I presently thought no more of it.
+
+The disdain of Madam de Breil was fully compensated by the kindness of
+her father-in-law, who at length began to think of me.  The evening after
+the entertainment, I have already mentioned, he had a conversation with
+me that lasted half an hour, which appeared to satisfy him, and
+absolutely enchanted me.  This good man had less sense than Madam de
+Vercellis, but possessed more feeling; I therefore succeeded much better
+with him.  He bade me attach myself to his son, the Abbe Gauvon, who had
+an esteem for me, which, if I took care to cultivate, might be
+serviceable in furnishing me with what was necessary to complete their
+views for my future establishment.  The next morning I flew to M. the
+Abbe, who did not receive me as a servant, but made me sit by his
+fireside, and questioned me with great affability.  He soon found that my
+education, which had attempted many things, had completed none; but
+observing that I understood something of Latin, he undertook to teach me
+more, and appointed me to attend him every morning.  Thus, by one of the
+whimsicalities which have marked the whole course of my life, at once
+above and below my natural situation, I was pupil and footman in the same
+house: and though in servitude, had a preceptor whose birth entitled him
+to supply that place only to the children of kings.
+
+The Abbe de Gauvon was a younger son, and designed by his family for a
+bishopric, for which reason his studies had been pursued, further than is
+usual with people of quality.  He had been sent to the university of
+Sienna, where he had resided some years, and from whence he had brought a
+good portion of cruscantism, designing to be that at Turin which the Abbe
+de Dangeau was formerly at Paris.  Being disgusted with theology, he gave
+in to the belle-lettres, which is very frequent in Italy, with those who
+have entered the career of prelacy.  He had studied the poets, and wrote
+tolerable Latin and Italian verses; in a word, his taste was calculated
+to form mine, and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash
+with which my brain was encumbered; but whether my prating had misled
+him, or that he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary
+parts of Latin, he put me at first too high; and I had scarcely
+translated a few fables of Phoedrus before he put me into Virgil, where I
+could hardly understand anything.  It will be seen hereafter that I was
+destined frequently to learn Latin, but never to attain it.  I labored
+with assiduity, and the abbe bestowed his attention with a degree of
+kindness, the remembrance of which, even at this time, both interests and
+softens me.  I passed the greater part of the morning with him as much
+for my own instruction as his service; not that he ever permitted me to
+perform any menial office, but to copy, or write from his dictating; and
+my employment of secretary was more useful than that of scholar, and by
+this means I not only learned the Italian in its utmost purity, but also
+acquired a taste for literature, and some discernment of composition,
+which could not have been at La Tribu's, and which was useful to me when
+I afterwards wrote alone.
+
+At this period of my life, without being romantic, I might reasonably
+have indulged the hope of preferment.  The abbe, thoroughly pleased with
+me, expressed his satisfaction to everyone, while his father had such a
+singular affection for me, that I was assured by the Count de Favria,
+that he had spoken of me to the king; even Madam de Breil had laid aside
+her disdainful looks; in short I was a general favorite, which gave great
+jealousy to the other servants, who seeing me honored by the instructions
+of their master's son, were persuaded I should not remain their equal.
+
+As far as I could judge by some words dropped at random, and which I
+reflected on afterwards, it appeared to me, that the House of Solar,
+wishing to run the career of embassies, and hoping perhaps in time to
+arrive at the ministry, wished to provide themselves with a person of
+merit and talents, who depending entirely on them, might obtain their
+confidence, and be of essential service.  This project of the Count de
+Gauvon was judicious, magnanimous, and truly worthy of a powerful
+nobleman, equally provident and generous; but besides my not seeing, at
+that time, its full extent, it was far too rational for my brain, and
+required too much confinement.
+
+My ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant
+adventures, and not finding one woman in all this scheme, it appeared
+tedious, painful and melancholy; though I should rather have thought it
+more honorable on this account, as the species of merit generally
+patronized by women is certainly less worthy that I was supposed to
+possess.
+
+Everything succeeded to my wish: I had obtained, almost forced, the
+esteem of all; the trial was over, and I was universally considered as a
+young man with flattering prospects, who was not at present in his proper
+sphere, but was expected soon to reach it; but my place was not assigned
+me by man, and I was to reach it by very difficult paths.  I now come to
+one of those characteristic traits, which are so natural to me, and
+which, indeed, the reader might have observed without this reflection.
+
+There were at Turin several new converts of my own stamp, whom I neither
+liked nor wish to see; but I had met with some Genevese who were not of
+this description, and among others a M. Mussard, nicknamed Wryneck, a
+miniature painter, and a distant relation.  This M. Mussard, having
+learned my situation at the Count de Gauvon's, came to see me, with
+another Genevese, named Bacle, who had been my comrade during my
+apprenticeship.  This Bacle was a very sprightly, amusing young fellow,
+full of lively sallies, which at his time of life appeared extremely
+agreeable.  At once, then, behold me delighted with M. Bacle; charmed to
+such a degree that I found it impossible to quit him.  He was shortly to
+depart for Geneva; what a loss had I to sustain!  I felt the whole force
+of it, and resolving to make the best use of this precious interval, I
+determined not to leave him, or, rather, he never quitted me, for my head
+was not yet sufficiently turned to think of quitting the house without
+leave, but it was soon perceived that he engrossed my whole time, and he
+was accordingly forbid the house.  This so incensed me, that forgetting
+everything but my friend Bacle, I went neither to the abbe nor the count,
+and was no longer to be found at home.  I paid no attention to repeated
+reprimands, and at length was threatened with dismissal.  This threat was
+my ruin, as it suggested the idea that it was not absolutely necessary
+that Bacle should depart alone.  From that moment I could think of no
+other pleasure, no other situation or happiness than taking this journey.
+To render the felicity still more complete, at the end of it (though at
+an immense distance) I pictured to myself Madam de Warrens; for as to
+returning to Geneva, it never entered into my imagination.  The hills,
+fields, brooks and villages, incessantly succeeded each other with new
+charms, and this delightful jaunt seemed worthy to absorb my whole
+existence.  Memory recalled, with inexpressible pleasure, how charming
+the country had appeared in coming to Turin; what then must it be, when,
+to the pleasure of independence, should be added the company of a good-
+humored comrade of my own age and disposition, without any constraint or
+obligation, but free to go or stay as we pleased?  Would it not be
+madness to sacrifice the prospect of so much felicity to projects of
+ambition, slow and difficult in their execution, and uncertain in their
+event?  But even supposing them realized, and in their utmost splendor,
+they were not worth one quarter of an hour of the sweet pleasure and
+liberty of youth.
+
+Full of these wise conclusions, I conducted myself so improperly, that
+(not indeed without some trouble) I got myself dismissed; for on my
+return one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the
+count.  This was exactly what I wanted; for feeling, spite of myself,
+the extravagance of my conduct, I wished to excuse it by the addition of
+injustice and ingratitude, by throwing the blame on others, and
+sheltering myself under the idea of necessity.
+
+I was told the Count de Favria wished to speak with me the next morning
+before my departure; but, being sensible that my head was so far turned
+as to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction, the maitre de
+hotel declined paying the money designed me, and which certainly I had
+very ill earned, till after this visit; for my kind patrons being
+unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman, I had not any fixed
+wages.
+
+The Count de Favria, though young and giddy, talked to me on this
+occasion in the most sensible and serious manner: I might add, if it
+would not be thought vain, with the utmost tenderness.  He reminded me,
+in the most flattering terms, of the cares of his uncle, and intentions
+of his grandfather; after having drawn in lively colors what I was
+sacrificing to ruin, he offered to make my peace, without stipulating any
+conditions, but that I should no more see the worthless fellow who had
+seduced me.
+
+It was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself, that
+notwithstanding my blind stupidity, I powerfully felt the kindness of my
+good old master, but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my
+imagination for any consideration to balance the charm.  Bereft of
+understanding, firm to my purpose, I hardened myself against conviction,
+and arrogantly answered, that as they had thought fit to give me warning,
+I had resolved to take it, and conceived it was now too late to retract,
+since, whatever might happen to me, I was fully resolved not to be driven
+a second time from the same house.  The count, justly irritated, bestowed
+on me some names which I deserved, and putting me out of his apartment by
+the shoulders, shut the door on me.  I departed triumphant, as if I had
+gained the greatest victory, and fearful of sustaining a second combat
+even had the ingratitude to leave the house without thanking the abbe for
+his kindness.
+
+To form a just conception of my delirium at that moment, the excess to
+which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents,
+and the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive
+objects should be conceived.  At these times, plans the most ridiculous,
+childish, and void of sense, flatter my favorite idea, and persuade me
+that it is reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it.
+Would it be believed, that when near nineteen, any one could be so stupid
+as to build his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial?  For
+example:
+
+The Abbe de Gauvon had made me a present, some weeks before, of a very
+pretty heron fountain, with which I was highly delighted.  Playing with
+this toy, and speaking of our departure, the sage Bacle and myself
+thought it might be of infinite advantage, and enable us to lengthen our
+journey.  What in the world was so curious as a heron fountain?  This
+idea was the foundation on which we built our future fortune: we were to
+assemble the country people in every village we might pass through, and
+delight them with the sight of it, when feasting and good cheer would be
+sure to pour on us abundantly; for we were both firmly persuaded, that
+provisions could cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them, and if
+they did not stuff travellers, it was downright ill-nature.
+
+We pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings, reckoning that
+without any expense but wind from our lungs, and the water of our
+fountain, we should be maintained through Piedmont, Savoy, France, and
+indeed, all the world over.  There was no end to our projected travels,
+and we immediately directed our course northward, rather for the pleasure
+of crossing the Alps, than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to
+stop at any place.
+
+Such was the plan on which I set out, abandoning without regret, my
+preceptors, studies, and hopes, with the almost certain attainment of a
+fortune, to lead the life of a real vagabond.  Farewell to the capital;
+adieu to the court, ambition, love, the fair, and all the great
+adventures into which hope had led me during the preceding year!  I
+departed with my fountain and my friend Bacle, a purse lightly furnished,
+but a heart over-flowing with pleasure, and only thinking how to enjoy
+the extensive felicity which I supposed my project encircled.
+
+This extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as I had
+expected, though not exactly on the same plan; not but our fountain
+highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the ale-
+houses where we halted, yet we found it equally necessary to pay on our
+departure; but that gave us no concern, as we never thought of depending
+on it entirely until our money should be expended.  An accident spared us
+that trouble, our fountain was broken near Bramant, and in good time, for
+we both felt (though without daring to own it to each other) that we
+began to be weary of it.  This misfortune rendered us gayer than ever; we
+laughed heartily at our giddiness in having forgotten that our clothes
+and shoes would wear out, or trusting to renew them by the play of our
+fountain.  We continued our journey as merrily as we had begun it, only
+drawing faster towards that termination where our drained purses made it
+necessary for us to arrive.
+
+At Chambery I became pensive; not for the folly I had committed, for
+never did any one think less of the past, but on account of the reception
+I should meet with from Madam de Warrens; for I looked on her house as my
+paternal home.  I had written her an account of my reception at the Count
+de Gauvon's; she knew my expectancies, and, in congratulating me on my
+good fortune, had added some wise lessons on the return I ought to make
+for the kindness with which they treated me.  She looked on my fortune as
+already made, if not destroyed by my own negligence; what then would she
+say on my arrival? for it never entered my mind that she might shut the
+door against me, but I dreaded the uneasiness I might give her; I dreaded
+her reproaches, to me more wounding than want; I resolved to bear all in
+silence, and, if possible to appease her.  I now saw nothing but Madam de
+Warrens in the whole universe, and to live in disgrace with her was
+impossible.
+
+I was most concerned about my companion, whom I did not wish to offend,
+and feared I should not easily get rid of.  I prefaced this separation by
+an affected coldness during the last day's journey.  The drole understood
+me perfectly; in fact, he was rather giddy than deficient in point of
+sense--I expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy, but I was
+quite mistaken; nothing affected my friend Bacle, for hardly had we set
+foot in town, on our arrival in Annecy, before he said, "You are now at
+home,"--embraced--bade me adieu--turned on his heel, and disappeared; nor
+have I ever heard of him since.
+
+How did my heart beat as I approached the habitation of Madam de Warrens!
+my legs trembled under me, my eyes were clouded with a mist, I neither
+saw, heard, nor recollected any one, and was obliged frequently to stop
+that I might draw breath, and recall my bewildered senses.  Was it fear
+of not obtaining that succor I stood in need of, which agitated me to
+this degree?  At the age I then was, does the fear of perishing with
+hunger give such alarms?  No: I declare with as much truth as pride, that
+it was not in the power of interest or indigence, at any period of my
+life, to expand or contract my heart.  In the course of a painful life,
+memorable for its vicissitudes, frequently destitute of an asylum, and
+without bread, I have contemplated, with equal indifference, both
+opulence and misery.  In want I might have begged or stolen, as others
+have done, but never could feel distress at being reduced to such
+necessities.  Few men have grieved more than myself, few have shed so
+many tears; yet never did poverty, or the fear of falling into it, make
+me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids.  My soul, in despite of fortune,
+has only been sensible of real good and evil, which did not depend on
+her; and frequently, when in possession of everything that could make
+life pleasing, I have been the most miserable of mortals.
+
+The first glance of Madam de Warrens banished all my fears--my heart
+leaped at the sound of her voice; I threw myself at her feet, and in
+transports of the most lively joy, pressed my lips upon her hand.
+I am ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me.
+I discovered but little surprise on her countenance, and no sorrow.
+"Poor child!"  said she, in an affectionate tone, "art thou here again?
+I knew you were too young for this journey; I am very glad, however, that
+it did not turn out so bad as I apprehended."  She then made me recount
+my history; it was not long, and I did it faithfully: suppressing only
+some trifling circumstances, but on the whole neither sparing nor
+excusing myself.
+
+The question was, where I could lodge: she consulted her maid on this
+point--I hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation; but when I
+heard I was to sleep in the house, I could scarce contain my joy; and saw
+the little bundle I brought with me carried into my destined apartment
+with much the same sensations as St. Preux saw his chaise put up at Madam
+de Wolmar's.  To complete all, I had the satisfaction to find that this
+favor was not to be transitory; for at a moment when they thought me
+attentive to something else, I heard Madam de Warrens say, "They may talk
+as they please, but since Providence has sent him back, I am determined
+not to abandon him."
+
+Behold me, then, established at her house; not, however, that I date the
+happiest days of my life from this period, but this served to prepare me
+for them.  Though that sensibility of heart, which enables us truly to
+enjoy our being, is the work of Nature, and perhaps a mere effect of
+organization, yet it requires situations to unfold itself, and without a
+certain concurrence of favorable circumstances, a man born with the most
+acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been
+acquainted with his own temperament.  This was my case till that time,
+and such perhaps it might have remained had I never known Madam de
+Warrens, or even having known her, had I not remained with her long
+enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with
+which she inspired me.  I dare affirm, that those who only love, do not
+feel the most charming sensations we are capable of: I am acquainted with
+another sentiment, less impetuous, but a thousand times more delightful;
+sometimes joined with love, but frequently separated from it.  This
+feeling is not simply friendship; it is more enchanting, more tender; nor
+do I imagine it can exist between persons of the same sex; at least I
+have been truly a friend, if ever a man was, and yet never experienced it
+in that kind.  This distinction is not sufficiently clear, but will
+become so hereafter: sentiments are only distinguishable by their
+effects.
+
+Madam de Warrens inhabited an old house, but large enough to have a
+handsome spare apartment, which she made her drawing-room.  I now
+occupied this chamber, which was in the passage I have before mentioned
+as the place of our first meeting.  Beyond the brook and gardens was a
+prospect of the country, which was by no means uninteresting to the young
+inhabitant, being the first time, since my residence at Bossey, that I
+had seen anything before my windows but walls, roofs, or the dirty
+street.  How pleasing then was this novelty! it helped to increase the
+tenderness of my disposition, for I looked on this charming landscape as
+the gift of my dear patroness, who I could almost fancy had placed it
+there on purpose for me.  Peaceably seated, my eyes pursued her amidst
+the flowers and the verdure; her charms seemed to me confounded with
+those of the spring; my heart, till now contracted, here found means to
+expand itself, and my sighs exhaled freely in this charming retreat.
+
+The magnificence I had been accustomed to at Turin was not to be found at
+Madam de Warrens, but in lieu of it there was neatness, regularity, and a
+patriarchal abundance, which is seldom attached to pompous ostentation.
+She had very little plate, no china, no game in her kitchen, or foreign
+wines in her cellar, but both were well furnished, and at every one's
+service; and her coffee, though served in earthenware cups, was
+excellent.  Whoever came to her house was invited to dine there, and
+never did laborer, messenger, or traveller, depart without refreshment.
+Her family consisted of a pretty chambermaid from Fribourg, named
+Merceret; a valet from her own country called Claude Anet (of whom I
+shall speak hereafter), a cook, and two hired chairmen when she visited,
+which seldom happened.  This was a great deal to be done out of two
+thousand livres a year; yet, with good management, it might have been
+sufficient in a country where land is extremely good, and money very
+scarce.  Unfortunately, economy was never her favorite virtue; she
+contracted debts--paid them--thus her money passed from hand to hand like
+a weaver's shuttle, and quickly disappeared.
+
+The arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what I should have
+chosen, and I shared it with satisfaction.  I was least pleased with the
+necessity of remaining too long at table.  Madam de Warrens was so much
+incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat, as almost to occasion
+fainting; from this she slowly recovered, talking meantime, and never
+attempting to eat for the first half hour.  I could have dined thrice in
+the time, and had ever finished my meal long before she began; I then ate
+again for company; and though by this means I usually dined twice, felt
+no inconvenience from it.  In short, I was perfectly at my ease, and the
+happier as my situation required no care.  Not being at this time
+instructed in the state of her finances, I supposed her means were
+adequate to her expense; and though I afterwards found the same
+abundance, yet when instructed in her real situation, finding her pension
+ever anticipated, prevented me from enjoying the same tranquility.
+Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment; in vain I saw the
+approach of misfortunes, I was never the more likely to avoid them.
+
+From the first moment of our meeting, the softest familiarity was
+established between us: and in the same degree it continued during the
+rest of her life.  Child was my name, Mamma was hers, and child and mamma
+we have ever continued, even after a number of years had almost effaced
+the apparent difference of age between us.  I think those names convey an
+exact idea of our behavior, the simplicity of our manners, and above all,
+the similarity of our dispositions.  To me she was the tenderest of
+mothers, ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure; and if my own
+satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her, it was not to
+change its nature, but only to render it more exquisite, and infatuate me
+with the charm of having a mother young and handsome, whom I was
+delighted to caress: I say literally, to caress, for never did it enter
+into her imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and
+endearments, or into my heart to abuse them.  It will be said, at length
+our connection was of a different kind: I confess it; but have patience,
+that will come in its turn.
+
+The sudden sight of her, on our first interview, was the only truly
+passionate moment she ever inspired me with; and even that was
+principally the work of surprise.  With her I had neither transports nor
+desires, but remained in a ravishing calm, sensible of a happiness I
+could not define, and thus could I have passed my whole life, or even
+eternity, without feeling an instant of uneasiness.
+
+She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of
+conversation, which to me is so painful to endure.  Our tete-a-tetes were
+rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could only conclude
+from interruption.  So far from finding discourse difficult, I rather
+thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when contemplating her
+projects, she sunk into a reverie; when I silently let her meditate, and
+gazing on her, was the happiest of men.  I had another singular fancy,
+which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete, I was
+perpetually seeking occasion to form them, enjoying such opportunities
+with rapture; and when importunate visitors broke in upon us, no matter
+whether it was man or woman, I went out murmuring, not being able to
+remain a secondary object in her company; then, counting the minutes in
+her antechamber, I used to curse these eternal visitors, thinking it
+inconceivable how they could find so much to say, because I had still
+more.
+
+If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did not see
+her.  When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my
+uneasiness reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her gave
+me emotions of tenderness even to tears.  Never shall I forget one great
+holiday, while she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the city,
+my heart full of her image, and the ardent wish to pass my life with her.
+I could easily enough see that at present this was impossible; that the
+happiness I enjoyed would be of short duration, and this idea gave to my
+contemplations a tincture of melancholy, which, however, was not gloomy,
+but tempered with a flattering hope.  The ringing of bells, which ever
+particularly affects me, the singing of birds, the fineness of the day,
+the beauty of the landscape, the scattered country houses, among which in
+idea I placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me with an
+impression so lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I saw myself
+in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode, where my heart,
+possessing all the felicity it could desire, might taste it with raptures
+inexpressible.
+
+I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions
+as at that time; and what has particularly struck me in the recollection
+of this reverie, is that when realized, I found my situation exactly as I
+had imagined it.  If ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic
+vision, it was assuredly this; I was only deceived in its imaginary
+duration, for days, years, and life itself, passed ideally in perfect
+tranquility, while the reality lasted but a moment.  Alas!  my most
+durable happiness was but as a dream, which I had no sooner had a glimpse
+of, than I instantly awoke.
+
+I know not when I should have done, if I was to enter into a detail of
+all the follies that affection for my dear Madam de Warrens made me
+commit.  When absent from her, how often have I kissed the bed on a
+supposition that she had slept there; the curtains and all the furniture
+of my chamber, on recollecting they were hers, and that her charming
+hands had touched them; nay, the floor itself, when I considered she had
+walked there.  Sometimes even in her presence, extravagancies escaped me,
+which only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring; in a
+word, there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an
+absolute lover, and that particular renders my situation almost
+inconceivable.
+
+I had returned from Italy, not absolutely as I went there, but as no one
+of my age, perhaps, ever did before, being equally unacquainted with
+women.  My ardent constitution had found resources in those means by
+which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the
+expense of health, vigor, and frequently of life itself.  My local
+situation should likewise be considered--living with a pretty woman,
+cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart, seeing her during the
+whole day, at night surrounded with objects that recalled her incessantly
+to my remembrance, and sleeping in the bed where I knew she had slept.
+What a situation!  Who can read this without supposing me on the brink of
+the grave?  But quite the contrary; that which might have ruined me,
+acted as a preservative, at least for a time.  Intoxicated with the charm
+of living with her, with the ardent desire of passing my life there,
+absent or present I saw in her a tender mother, an amiable sister, a
+respected friend, but nothing more; meantime, her image filled my heart,
+and left room far no other object.  The extreme tenderness with which she
+inspired me excluded every other woman from my consideration, and
+preserved me from the whole sex: in a word, I was virtuous, because I
+loved her.  Let these particulars, which I recount but indifferently, be
+considered, and then let any one judge what kind of attachment I had for
+her: for my part, all I can say, is, that if it hitherto appears
+extraordinary, it will appear much more so in the sequel.
+
+My time passed in the most agreeable manner, though occupied in a way
+which was by no means calculated to please me; such as having projects to
+digest, bills to write fair, receipts to transcribe, herbs to pick, drugs
+to pound, or distillations to attend; and in the midst of all this, came
+crowds of travellers, beggars, and visitors of all denominations.  Some
+times it was necessary to converse at the same time with a soldier, an
+apothecary, a prebendary, a fine lady, and a lay brother.  I grumbled,
+swore, and wished all this troublesome medley at the devil, while she
+seemed to enjoy it, laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her
+cheeks.  What excited her mirth still more, was to see that my anger was
+increased by not being able myself to refrain from laughter.  These
+little intervals, in which I enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling, were
+charming; and if, during the dispute, another importunate visitor
+arrived, she would add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging the
+visit, meantime casting glances at me for which I could almost have beat
+her; nor could she without difficulty refrain from laughter on seeing my
+constrained politeness, though every moment glancing at her the look of
+a fury, while, even in spite of myself, I thought the scene truly
+diverting.
+
+All this, without being pleasing in itself, contributed to amuse, because
+it made up a part of a life which I thought delightful.  Nothing that was
+performed around me, nothing that I was obliged to do, suited my taste,
+but everything suited my heart; and I believe, at length, I should have
+liked the study of medicine, had not my natural distaste to it
+perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes, that prevented my thinking of
+it in a serious light.  It was, perhaps, the first time that this art
+produced mirth.  I pretended to distinguish a physical book by its smell,
+and what was more diverting, was seldom mistaken.  Madam de Warrens made
+me taste the most nauseous drugs; in vain I ran, or endeavored to defend
+myself; spite of resistance or wry faces, spite of my struggles, or even
+of my teeth, when I saw her charming fingers approach my lips, I was
+obliged to give up the contest.
+
+When shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus, any one who
+had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather
+have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or
+elixirs.
+
+My time, however, was not entirely passed in these fooleries; in the
+apartment which I occupied I found a few books: there was the Spectator,
+Puffendorf, St. Everemond, and the Henriade.  Though I had not my old
+passion for books, yet I amused myself with reading a part of them.  The
+Spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me.  The Abbe de
+Gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly, and with a greater degree of
+attention, which rendered my studies more serviceable.  I accustomed
+myself to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition;
+exercising myself in discerning pure French from my provincial idiom.
+For example, I corrected an orthographical fault (which I had in common
+with all Genevese) by these two lines of the Henriade:
+
+     Soit qu' un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres,
+     Parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres
+
+I was struck with the word 'parlat', and found a 't' was necessary to
+form the third person of the subjunctive, whereas I had always written
+and pronounced it parla, as in the present of the indicative.
+
+Sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with Madam de
+Warrens; sometimes I read to her, in which I found great satisfaction;
+and as I endeavored to read well, it was extremely serviceable to me.
+I have already observed that her mind was cultivated; her understanding
+was at this time in its meridian.  Several people of learning having been
+assiduous to ingratiate themselves, had taught her to distinguish works
+of merit; but her taste (if I may so express myself) was rather
+Protestant; ever speaking warmly of Bayle, and highly esteeming St.
+Evremond, though long since almost forgotten in France: but this did not
+prevent her having a taste for literature, or expressing her thoughts
+with elegance.  She had been brought up with polite company, and coming
+young to Savoy, by associating with people of the best fashion, had lost
+the affected manners of her own country, where the ladies mistake wit for
+sense, and only speak in epigram.
+
+Though she had seen the court but superficially, that glance was
+sufficient to give her a competent idea of it; and notwithstanding secret
+jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in debt,
+she ever preserved friends there, and never lost her pension.  She knew
+the world, and was useful.  This was her favorite theme in our
+conversations, and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas, though
+the kind of instruction I particularly had occasion for.  We read Bruyere
+together; he pleased her more than Rochefoucault, who is a dull,
+melancholy author, particularly to youth, who are not fond of
+contemplating man as he really is.  In moralizing she sometimes
+bewildered herself by the length of her discourse; but by kissing her
+lips or hand from time to time I was easily consoled, and never found
+them wearisome.
+
+This life was too delightful to be lasting; I felt this, and the
+uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my
+enjoyment.  Even in playfulness she studied my disposition, observed and
+interrogated me, forming projects for my future fortune, which I could
+readily have dispensed with.  Happily it was not sufficient to know my
+disposition, inclinations and talents; it was likewise necessary to find
+a situation in which they would be useful, and this was not the work of a
+day.  Even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my
+merit put off the time of calling it into action, by rendering her more
+difficult in the choice of means; thus (thanks to the good opinion she
+entertained of me), everything answered to my wish; but a change soon
+happened which put a period to my tranquility.
+
+A relation of Madam de Warrens, named M. d'Aubonne, came to see her; a
+man of great understanding and intrigue, being, like her, fond of
+projects, though careful not to ruin himself by them.  He had offered
+Cardinal Fleury a very compact plan for a lottery, which, however, had
+not been approved of, and he was now going to propose it to the court of
+Turin, where it was accepted and put into execution.  He remained some
+time at Annecy, where he fell in love with the Intendant's lady, who was
+very amiable, much to my taste and the only person I saw with pleasure at
+the house of Madam de Warrens.  M. d'Aubonne saw me, I was strongly
+recommended by his relation; he promised, therefore, to question and see
+what I was fit for, and, if he found me capable to seek me a situation.
+Madam de Warrens sent me to him two or three mornings, under pretense of
+messages, without acquainting me with her real intention.  He spoke to me
+gayly, on various subjects, without any appearance of observation; his
+familiarity presently set me talking, which by his cheerful and jesting
+manner he encouraged without restraint--I was absolutely charmed with
+him.  The result of his observations was, that notwithstanding the
+animation of my countenance, and promising exterior, if not absolutely
+silly, I was a lad of very little sense, and without ideas of learning;
+in fine, very ignorant in all respects, and if I could arrive at being
+curate of some village, it was the utmost honor I ought ever to aspire
+to.  Such was the account he gave of me to Madam de Warrens.  This was
+not the first time such an opinion had been formed of me, neither was it
+the last; the judgment of M. Masseron having been repeatedly confirmed.
+
+The cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not
+to need a particular explanation; for it will not be supposed that I can
+in conscience subscribe to them; and with all possible impartiality,
+whatever M. Masseron, M. d'Aubonne and many others may have said, I
+cannot help thinking them mistaken.
+
+Two things very opposite, unite in me, and in a manner which I cannot
+myself conceive.  My disposition is extremely ardent, my passions lively
+and impetuous, yet my ideas are produced slowly, with great embarrassment
+and after much afterthought.  It might be said my heart and understanding
+do not belong to the same individual.  A sentiment takes possession of my
+soul with the rapidity of lightning, but instead of illuminating, it
+dazzles and confounds me; I feel all, but see nothing; I am warm, but
+stupid; to think I must be cool.  What is astonishing, my conception is
+clear and penetrating, if not hurried: I can make excellent impromptus at
+leisure, but on the instant, could never say or do anything worth notice.
+I could hold a tolerable conversation by the post, as they say the
+Spaniards play at chess, and when I read that anecdote of a duke of
+Savoy, who turned himself round, while on a journey, to cry out 'a votre
+gorge, marchand de Paris!'  I said, "Here is a trait of my character!"
+
+This slowness of thought, joined to vivacity of feeling, I am not only
+sensible of in conversation, but even alone.  When I write, my ideas are
+arranged with the utmost difficulty.  They glance on my imagination and
+ferment till they discompose, heat, and bring on a palpitation; during
+this state of agitation, I see nothing properly, cannot write a single
+word, and must wait till it is over.  Insensibly the agitation subsides,
+the chaos acquires form, and each circumstance takes its proper place.
+Have you never seen an opera in Italy? where during the change of scene
+everything is in confusion, the decorations are intermingled, and any one
+would suppose that all would be overthrown; yet by little and little,
+everything is arranged, nothing appears wanting, and we feel surprised to
+see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle.  This is a
+resemblance of what passes in my brain when I attempt to write; had I
+always waited till that confusion was past, and then pointed, in their
+natural beauties, the objects that had presented themselves, few authors
+would have surpassed me.
+
+Thence arises the extreme difficulty I find in writing; my manuscripts,
+blotted, scratched, and scarcely legible, attest the trouble they cost
+me; nor is there one of them but I have been obliged to transcribe four
+or five times before it went to press.  Never could I do anything when
+placed at a table, pen in hand; it must be walking among the rocks, or in
+the woods; it is at night in my bed, during my wakeful hours, that I
+compose; it may be judged how slowly, particularly for a man who has not
+the advantage of verbal memory, and never in his life could retain by
+heart six verses.  Some of my periods I have turned and returned in my
+head five or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper: thus it
+is that I succeed better in works that require laborious attention, than
+those that appear more trivial, such as letters, in which I could never
+succeed, and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment;
+nor can I express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it
+costing me hours of fatigue.  If I write immediately what strikes me, my
+letter is a long, confused, unconnected string of expressions, which,
+when read, can hardly be understood.
+
+It is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to
+receive them.  I have studied mankind, and think myself a tolerable
+observer, yet I know nothing from what I see, but all from what I
+remember, nor have I understanding except in my recollections.  From all
+that is said, from all that passes in my presence, I feel nothing,
+conceive nothing, the exterior sign being all that strikes me; afterwards
+it returns to my remembrance; I recollect the place, the time, the
+manner, the look, and gesture, not a circumstance escapes me; it is then,
+from what has been done or said, that I imagine what has been thought,
+and I have rarely found myself mistaken.
+
+So little master of my understanding when alone, let any one judge what I
+must be in conversation, where to speak with any degree of ease you must
+think of a thousand things at the same time: the bare idea that I should
+forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me.  Nor can
+I comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in large
+companies, where each word must pass in review before so many, and where
+it would be requisite to know their several characters and histories to
+avoid saying what might give offence.  In this particular, those who
+frequent the world would have a great advantage, as they know better
+where to be silent, and can speak with greater confidence; yet even they
+sometimes let fall absurdities; in what predicament then must he be who
+drops as it were from the clouds? it is almost impossible he should speak
+ten minutes with impunity.
+
+In a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience; that is; the
+necessity of talking perpetually, at least, the necessity of answering
+when spoken to, and keeping up the conversation when the other is silent.
+This insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me with
+variety, for I cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being
+obliged to speak continually without time for recollection.  I know not
+whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint; but if I am
+obliged to speak, I infallibly talk nonsense.  What is still worse,
+instead of learning how to be silent when I have absolutely nothing to
+say, it is generally at such times that I have a violent inclination: and
+endeavoring to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible, I
+hastily gabble a number of words without ideas, happy when they only
+chance to mean nothing; thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my
+incapacity, I rarely fail to show it.
+
+I think I have said enough to show that, though not a fool, I have
+frequently passed for one, even among people capable of judging; this was
+the more vexatious, as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise, and
+expectation being frustrated, my stupidity appeared the more shocking.
+This detail, which a particular occasion gave birth to, will not be
+useless in the sequel, being a key to many of my actions which might
+otherwise appear unaccountable; and have been attributed to a savage
+humor I do not possess.  I love society as much as any man, was I not
+certain to exhibit myself in it, not only disadvantageously, but totally
+different from what I really am.  The plan I have adopted of writing and
+retirement, is what exactly suits me.  Had I been present, my worth would
+never have been known, no one would even have suspected it; thus it was
+with Madam Dupin, a woman of sense, in whose house I lived for several
+years; indeed, she has often since owned it to me: though on the whole
+this rule may be subject to some exceptions.  I shall now return to my
+history.
+
+The estimate of my talents thus fixed, the situation I was capable of
+promised, the question only remained how to render her capable of
+fulfilling my destined vocation.  The principle difficulty was, I did not
+know Latin enough for a priest.  Madam de Warrens determined to have me
+taught for some time at the seminary, and accordingly spoke of it to the
+Superior, who was a Lazarist, called M. Gras, a good-natured little
+fellow, half blind, meagre, gray-haired, insensible, and the least
+pedantic of any Lazarist I ever knew; which, in fact, is saying no great
+matter.
+
+He frequently visited Madam de Warrens, who entertained, caressed, and
+made much of him, letting him sometimes lace her stays, an office he was
+willing enough to perform.  While thus employed, she would run about the
+room, this way or that, as occasion happened to call her.  Drawn by the
+lace, Monsieur the Superior followed, grumbling, repeating at every
+moment, "Pray, madam, do stand still;" the whole forming a scene truly
+diverting.
+
+M. Gras willingly assented to the project of Madam de Warrens, and, for a
+very moderate pension, charged himself with the care of instructing me.
+The consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary, who not only
+granted it, but offered to pay the pension, permitting me to retain the
+secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they might
+have in my improvement.
+
+What a change! but I was obliged to submit; though I went to the seminary
+with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to execution.
+What a melancholy abode! especially for one who left the house of a
+pretty woman.  I carried one book with me, that I had borrowed of Madam
+de Warrens, and found it a capital resource! it will not be easily
+conjectured what kind of book this was--it was a music book.  Among the
+talents she had cultivated, music was not forgotten; she had a tolerable
+good voice, sang agreeably, and played on the harpsichord.  She had taken
+the pains to give me some lessons in singing, though before I was very
+uninformed in that respect, hardly knowing the music of our psalms.
+Eight or ten interrupted lessons, far from putting me in a condition to
+improve myself, did not teach me half the notes; notwithstanding, I had
+such a passion for the art, that I determined to exercise myself alone.
+The book I took was not of the most easy kind; it was the cantatas of
+Clerambault.  It may be conceived with what attention and perseverance I
+studied, when I inform my reader, that without knowing anything of
+transposition or quantity, I contrived to sing with tolerable
+correctness, the first recitative and air in the cantata of Alpheus and
+Arethusa; it is true this air is, so justly set, that it is only
+necessary to recite the verses in their just measure to catch the music.
+
+There was at the seminary a curst Lazarist, who by undertaking to teach
+me Latin made me detest it.  His hair was coarse, black and greasy, his
+face like those formed in gingerbread, he had the voice of a buffalo, the
+countenance of an owl, and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a beard; his
+smile was sardonic, and his limbs played like those of a puppet moved by
+wires.  I have forgotten his odious name, but the remembrance of his
+frightful precise countenance remains with me, though hardly can I
+recollect it without trembling; especially when I call to mind our
+meeting in the gallery, when he graciously advanced his filthy square cap
+as a sign for me to enter his apartment, which appeared more dismal in my
+apprehension than a dungeon.  Let any one judge the contrast between my
+present master and the elegant Abbe de Gauvon.
+
+Had I remained two months at the mercy of this monster, I am certain my
+head could not have sustained it; but the good M. Gras, perceiving I was
+melancholy, grew thin, and did not eat my victuals, guessed the cause of
+my uneasiness (which indeed was not very difficult) and taking me from
+the claws of this beast, by another yet more striking contrast, placed me
+with the gentlest of men, a young Faucigneran abbe, named M. Gatier,
+who studied at the seminary, and out of complaisance for M. Gras, and
+humanity to myself, spared some time from the prosecution of his own
+studies in order to direct mine.  Never did I see a more pleasing
+countenance than that of M. Gatier.  He was fair complexioned, his beard
+rather inclined to red; his behavior like that of the generality of his
+countrymen (who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much
+understanding), marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul.
+In his large blue eyes there was a mixture of softness, tenderness, and
+melancholy, which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's
+self interested.  From the looks and manner of this young abbe he might
+have been supposed to have foreseen his destiny, and that he was born to
+be unhappy.
+
+His disposition did not belie his physiognomy: full of patience and
+complaisance, he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me.
+So much was not necessary to make me love him, his predecessor having
+rendered that very easy; yet, notwithstanding all the time he bestowed on
+me, notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations, and that his plan of
+teaching was excellent, with much labor, I made little progress.  It is
+very singular, that with a clear conception I could never learn much from
+masters except my father and M. Lambercier; the little I know besides I
+have learned alone, as will be seen hereafter.  My spirit, impatient of
+every species of constraint, cannot submit to the law of the moment; even
+the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive, and a dread of
+wearying those who teach, makes me feign to understand them; thus they
+proceed faster than I can comprehend, and the conclusion is I learn
+nothing.  My understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to
+that of another.
+
+The time of ordination being arrived, M. Gatier returned to his province
+as deacon, leaving me with gratitude, attachment, and sorrow for his
+loss.  The vows I made for him were no more answered than those I offered
+for myself.  Some years after, I learned, that being vicar of a parish,
+a young girl was with child by him, being the only one (though he
+possessed a very tender heart) with whom he was ever in love.  This was a
+dreadful scandal in a diocese severely governed, where the priests (being
+under good regulation) ought never to have children--except by married
+women.  Having infringed this politic law, he was put in prison, defamed,
+and driven from his benefice.  I know not whether it was ever after in
+his power to reestablish his affairs; but the remembrance of his
+misfortunes, which were deeply engraven on my heart, struck me when I
+wrote Emilius, and uniting M. Gatier with M. Gaime, I formed from these
+two worthy priests the character of the Savoyard Vicar, and flatter
+myself the imitation has not dishonored the originals.
+
+While I was at the seminary, M. d'Aubonne was obliged to quit Annecy,
+Moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife, which was acting
+like a dog in the manger, for though Madam Moultou was extremely amiable,
+he lived very ill with her, treating her with such brutality that a
+separation was talked of.  Moultou, by repeated oppressions, at length
+procured a dismissal from his employment: he was a disagreeable man; a
+mole could not be blacker, nor an owl more knavish.  It is said the
+provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs; M. d'Aubonne
+revenged himself on his by a comedy, which he sent to Madam de Warrens,
+who showed it to me.  I was pleased with it, and immediately conceived
+the idea of writing one, to try whether I was so silly as the author had
+pronounced me.  This project was not executed till I went to Chambery,
+where I wrote 'The Lover of Himself'.  Thus when I said in the preface to
+that piece, "it was written at eighteen," I cut off a few years.
+
+Nearly about this time an event happened, not very important in itself,
+but whose consequence affected me, and made a noise in the world when I
+had forgotten it.  Once a week I was permitted to go out; it is not
+necessary to say what use I made of this liberty.  Being one Sunday at
+Madam de Warrens, a building belonging to the Cordeliers, which joined
+her house, took fire; this building which contained their oven, being
+full of dry fagots, blazed violently and greatly endangered the house;
+for the wind happening to drive the flames that way, it was covered with
+them.  The furniture, therefore, was hastily got out and carried into the
+garden which fronted the windows, on the other side the before-mentioned
+brook.  I was so alarmed that I threw indiscriminately everything that
+came to hand out of the window, even to a large stone mortar, which at
+another time I should have found it difficult to remove, and should have
+thrown a handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me.
+The good bishop, who that day was visiting Madam de Warrens, did not
+remain idle; he took her into the garden, where they went to prayers with
+the rest that were assembled there, and where sometime afterwards,
+I found them on their knees, and presently joined them.  While the good
+man was at his devotions, the wind changed, so suddenly and critically,
+that the flames which had covered the house and began to enter the
+windows, were carried to the other side of the court, and the house
+received no damage.  Two years after, Monsieur de Berner being dead, the
+Antoines, his former brethren, began to collect anecdotes which might
+serve as arguments of his beatification; at the desire of Father Baudet,
+I joined to these an attestation of what I have just related, in doing
+which, though I attested no more than the truth, I certainly acted ill,
+as it tended to make an indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle.  I had
+seen the bishop in prayer, and had likewise seen the wind change during
+the prayer, and even much to the purpose, all this I could certify truly;
+but that one of these facts was the cause of the other, I ought not to
+have attested, because it is what I could not possibly be assured of.
+Thus much I may say, that as far as I can recollect what my ideas were at
+that time, I was sincerely, and in good earnest a Catholic.  Love of the
+marvellous is natural to the human heart; my veneration for the virtuous
+prelate, and secret pride in having, perhaps, contributed to the event in
+question, all helped to seduce me; and certainly, if this miracle was the
+effect of ardent prayer, I had a right to claim a share of the merits.
+
+More than thirty years after, when I published the 'Lettres de la
+Montagne', M. Feron (I know not by what means) discovered this
+attestation, and made use of it in his paper.  I must confess the
+discovery was very critically timed, and appeared very diverting,
+even to me.
+
+I was destined to be the outcast of every condition; for notwithstanding
+M. Gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my
+studies, they plainly saw the improvement I received bore no proportion
+to the pains taken to instruct me, which was no encouragement to continue
+them: the bishop and superior, therefore, were disheartened, and I was
+sent back to Madam de Warrens, as a subject not even fit to make a priest
+of; but as they allowed, at the same time, that I was a tolerably good
+lad, and far from being vicious, this account counterbalanced the former,
+and determined her not to abandon me.
+
+I carried back in triumph the dear music book, which had been so useful
+to me, the air of Alpheus and Arethusa being almost all I had learned at
+the seminary.  My predilection for this art started the idea of making a
+musician of, me.  A convenient opportunity offered; once a week, at
+least, she had a concert at her house, and the music-master from the
+cathedral, who directed this little band, came frequently to see her.
+This was a Parisian, named M. le Maitre, a good composer, very lively,
+gay, young, well made, of little understanding, but, upon the whole, a
+good sort of man.  Madam de Warrens made us acquainted; I attached myself
+to him, and he seemed not displeased with me.  A pension was talked of,
+and agreed on; in short, I went home with him, and passed the winter the
+more agreeably at his chambers, as they were not above twenty paces
+distant from Madam de Warrens', where we frequently supped together.
+It may easily be supposed that this situation, ever gay, and singing with
+the musicians and children of the choir, was more pleasing to me than the
+seminary and fathers of St. Lazarus.  This life, though free, was
+regular; here I learned to prize independence, but never to abuse it.
+For six whole months I never once went out except to see Madam de
+Warrens, or to church, nor had I any inclination to it.  This interval is
+one of those in which I enjoyed the greatest satisfaction, and which I
+have ever recollected with pleasure.  Among the various situations I have
+been placed in, some were marked with such an idea of virtuous
+satisfaction, that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet
+present.  I vividly recollect the time, the place, the persons, and even
+the temperature of the air, while the lively idea of a certain local
+impression peculiar to those times, transports me back again to the very
+spot; for example, all that was repeated at our meetings, all that was
+sung in the choir, everything that passed there; the beautiful and noble
+habits of the canons, the chasubles of the priests, the mitres of the
+singers, the persons of the musicians; an old lame carpenter who played
+the counter-bass, a little fair abbe who performed on the violin, the
+ragged cassock which M. le Maitre, after taking off his sword, used to
+put over his secular habit, and the fine surplice with which he covered
+the rags of the former, when he went to the choir; the pride with which I
+held my little flute to my lips, and seated myself in the orchestra, to
+assist in a recitative which M. le Maitre had composed on purpose for me;
+the good dinner that afterwards awaited us, and the good appetites we
+carried to it.  This concourse of objects, strongly retraced in my
+memory, has charmed me a hundred time as much, or perhaps more, than ever
+the reality had done.  I have always preserved an affection for a certain
+air of the 'Conditor alme Syderum', because one Sunday in Advent I heard
+that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral, (according to the custom of
+that place) as I lay in bed before daybreak.  Mademoiselle Merceret,
+Madam de Warrens' chambermaid, knew something of music; I shall never
+forget a little piece that M. le Maitre made me sing with her, and which
+her mistress listened to with great satisfaction.  In a word, every
+particular, even down to the servant Perrine, whom the boys of the choir
+took such delight in teasing.  The remembrance of these times of
+happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind, both ravish and
+affect me.
+
+I lived at Annecy during a year without the least reproach, giving
+universal satisfaction.  Since my departure from Turin I had been guilty
+of no folly, committed none while under the eye of Madam de Warrens.
+She was my conductor, and ever led me right; my attachment for her became
+my only passion, and what proves it was not a giddy one, my heart and
+understanding were in unison.  It is true that a single sentiment,
+absorbing all my faculties, put me out of a capacity of learning even
+music: but this was not my fault, since to the strongest inclination,
+I added the utmost assiduity.  I was attentive and thoughtful; what could
+I do?  Nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me;
+meantime, it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion
+the commission of new follies: that subject presented itself, chance
+arranged it, and (as will be seen hereafter) my inconsiderate head gave
+in to it.
+
+One evening, in the month of February, when it was very cold, being all
+sat round the fire, we heard some one knock at the street door.  Perrine
+took a light, went down and opened it: a young man entering, came
+upstairs, presented himself with an easy air, and making M. Maitre a
+short, but well-turned compliment, announced himself as a French
+musician, constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty.
+The hart of the good Le Maitre leaped at the name of a French musician,
+for he passionately loved both his country and profession; he therefore
+offered the young traveller his service--and use of his apartment, which
+he appeared to stand much in need of, and which he accepted without much
+ceremony.  I observed him while he was chatting and warming himself
+before supper; he was short and thick, having some fault in his shape,
+though without any particular deformity; he had (if I may so express
+myself) an appearance of being hunchbacked, with flat shoulders, and I
+think he limped.  He wore a black coat, rather worn than old, which hung
+in tatters, a very fine but dirty shirt, frayed ruffles; a pair of
+splatterdashes so large that he could have put both legs into either of
+them, and, to secure himself from the snow, a little hat, only fit to be
+carried under his arm.  With this whimsical equipage, he had, however,
+something elegant in his manners and conversation; his countenance was
+expressive and agreeable, and he spoke with facility if not with modesty;
+in short, everything about him bore the mark of a young debauchee, who
+did not crave assistance like a beggar, but as a thoughtless madcap.
+He told us his name was Venture de Villeneuve, that he came from Paris,
+had lost his way, and seeming to forget that he had announced himself for
+a musician, added that he was going to Grenoble to see a relation that
+was a member of Parliament.
+
+During supper we talked of music, on which subject he spoke well: he knew
+all the great virtuosi, all the celebrated works, all the actors,
+actresses, pretty women, and powerful lords; in short nothing was
+mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with.  Though no
+sooner was any topic started, than by some drollery, which set every one
+a-laughing, he made them forget what had been said.  This was on a
+Saturday; the next day there was to be music at the cathedral: M. le
+Maitre asked if he would sing there--"Very willingly."--"What part would
+he chose?"--"The counter-tenor:" and immediately began speaking of other
+things.  Before he went to church they offered him his part to peruse,
+but he did not even look at it.  This Gasconade surprised Le Maitre--
+"You'll see," said he, whispering to me, "that he does not know a single
+note."--I replied: "I am very much afraid of him."  I followed them into
+the church; but was extremely uneasy, and when they began, my heart beat
+violently, so much was I interested in his behalf.
+
+I was presently out of pain: he sung his two recitatives with all
+imaginable taste and judgment; and what was yet more, with a very
+agreeable voice.  I never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise.  After mass,
+M. Venture received the highest compliments from the canons and
+musicians, which he answered jokingly, though with great grace.  M. le
+Maitre embraced him heartily; I did the same; he saw I was rejoiced at
+his success, and appeared pleased at my satisfaction.
+
+It will easily be surmised, that after having been delighted with M.
+Bacle, who had little to attract my admiration, I should be infatuated
+with M. Venture, who had education, wit, talents, and a knowledge of the
+world, and might be called an agreeable rake.  This was exactly what
+happened, and would, I believe, have happened to any other young man in
+my place; especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to
+distinguish merit, and more propensity to be engaged by it; for Venture
+doubtless possessed a considerable share, and one in particular, very
+rare at his age, namely, that of never being in haste to display his
+talents.  It is true, he boasted of many things he did not understand,
+but of those he knew (which were very numerous) he said nothing,
+patiently waiting some occasion to display them, which he then did with
+ease, though without forwardness, and thus gave them more effect.
+As there was ever some intermission between the proofs of his various
+abilities, it was impossible to conjecture whether he had ever discovered
+all his talents.  Playful, giddy, inexhaustible, seducing in
+conversation, ever smiling, but never laughing, and repeating the rudest
+things in the most elegant manner--even the most modest women were
+astonished at what they endured from him: it was in vain for them to
+determine to be angry; they could not assume the appearance of it.
+It was extraordinary that with so many agreeable talents, in a country
+where they are so well understood, and so much admired, he so long
+remained only a musician.
+
+My attachment to M. Venture, more reasonable in its cause, was also less
+extravagant in its effects, though more lively and durable than that I
+had conceived for M. Bacle.  I loved to see him, to hear him, all his
+actions appeared charming, everything he said was an oracle to me, but
+the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting
+him.  I spoke of him with transport to Madam de Warrens, Le Maitre
+likewise spoke in his praise, and she consented we should bring him to
+her house.  This interview did not succeed; he thought her affected, she
+found him a libertine, and, alarmed that I had formed such an ill
+acquaintance, not only forbade me bringing him there again, but likewise
+painted so strongly the danger I ran with this young man, that I became a
+little more circumspect in giving in to the attachment; and very happily,
+both for my manners and wits, we were soon separated.
+
+M. le Maitre, like most of his profession, loved good wine; at table he
+was moderate, but when busy in his closet he must drink.  His maid was so
+well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper
+to compose, and taken his violoncello, than the bottle and glass arrived,
+and was replenished from time to time: thus, without being ever
+absolutely intoxicated, he was usually in a state of elevation.  This was
+really unfortunate, for he had a good heart, and was so playful that
+Madam de Warrens used to call him the kitten.  Unhappily, he loved his
+profession, labored much and drank proportionately, which injured his
+health, and at length soured his temper.  Sometimes he was gloomy and
+easily offended, though incapable of rudeness, or giving offence to any
+one, for never did he utter a harsh word, even to the boys of the choir:
+on the other hand, he would not suffer another to offend him, which was
+but just: the misfortune was, having little understanding, he did not
+properly discriminate, and was often angry without cause.
+
+The Chapter of Geneva, where so many princes and bishops formerly thought
+it an honor to be seated, though in exile it lost its ancient splendor,
+retained (without any diminution) its pride.  To be admitted, you must
+either be a gentleman or Doctor of Sorbonne.  If there is a pardonable
+pride, after that derived from personal merit, it is doubtless that
+arising from birth, though, in general, priests having laymen in their
+service treat them with sufficient haughtiness, and thus the canons
+behaved to poor Le Maitre.  The chanter, in particular, who was called
+the Abbe de Vidonne, in other respects a well-behaved man, but too full
+of his nobility, did not always show him the attention his talents
+merited.  M. le Maitre could not bear these indignities patiently;
+and this year, during passion week, they had a more serious dispute than
+ordinary.  At an institution dinner that the bishop gave the canons, and
+to which M. Maitre was always invited, the abbe failed in some formality,
+adding, at the same time, some harsh words, which the other could not
+digest; he instantly formed the resolution to quit them the following
+night; nor could any consideration make him give up his design, though
+Madam de Warrens (whom he went to take leave of) spared no pains to
+appease him.  He could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants
+embarrassed for the Easter feast, at which time he knew they stood in
+greatest need of him.  He was most concerned about his music, which he
+wished to take with him; but this could not easily be accomplished, as it
+filled a large case, and was very heavy, and could not be carried under
+the arm.
+
+Madam de Warrens did what I should have done in her situation; and
+indeed, what I should yet do: after many useless efforts to retain him,
+seeing he was resolved to depart, whatever might be the event, she formed
+the resolution to give him every possible assistance.  I must confess Le
+Maitre deserved it of her, for he was (if I may use the expression)
+dedicated to her service, in whatever appertained to either his art or
+knowledge, and the readiness with which he obliged gave a double value to
+his complaisance: thus she only paid back, on an essential occasion, the
+many favors he had been long conferring on her; though I should observe,
+she possessed a soul that, to fulfill such duties, had no occasion to be
+reminded of previous obligations.  Accordingly she ordered me to follow
+Le Maitre to Lyons, and to continue with him as long as he might have
+occasion for my services.  She has since avowed, that a desire of
+detaching me from Venture had a great hand in this arrangement.  She
+consulted Claude Anet about the conveyance of the above-mentioned case.
+He advised, that instead of hiring a beast at Annecy, which would
+infallibly discover us, it would be better, at night, to take it to some
+neighboring village, and there hire an ass to carry it to Seyssel, which
+being in the French dominions, we should have nothing to fear.  This plan
+was adopted; we departed the same night at seven, and Madam de Warrens,
+under pretense of paying my expenses, increased the purse of poor Le
+Maitre by an addition that was very acceptable.  Claude Anet, the
+gardiner, and myself, carried the case to the first village, then hired
+an ass, and the same night reached Seyssel.
+
+I think I have already remarked that there are times in which I am so
+unlike myself that I might be taken for a man of a direct opposite
+disposition; I shall now give an example of this.  M. Reydelet, curate of
+Seyssel, was canon of St. Peter's, consequently known to M. le Maitre,
+and one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to
+conceal himself; my advice, on the contrary, was to present ourselves to
+him, and, under some pretext, entreat entertainment as if we visited him
+by consent of the chapter.  Le Maitre adopted the idea, which seemed to
+give his revenge the appearance of satire and waggery; in short, we went
+boldly to Reydelet, who received us very kindly.  Le Maitre told him he
+was going to Bellay by desire of the bishop, that he might superintend
+the music during the Easter holidays, and that he proposed returning that
+way in a few days.  To support this tale, I told a hundred others, so
+naturally that M. Reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth, and treated
+me with great friendship and civility.  We were well regaled and well
+lodged: M. Reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us; and we parted
+the best friends in the world, with a promise to stop longer on our
+return.  We found it difficult to refrain from laughter, or wait till we
+were alone to give free vent to our mirth: indeed, even now, the bare
+recollection of it forces a smile, for never was waggery better or more
+fortunately maintained.  This would have made us merry during the
+remainder of our journey, if M. le Maitre (who did not cease drinking)
+had not been two or three times attacked with a complaint that he
+afterwards became very subject to, and which resembled an epilepsy.
+These fits threw me into the most fearful embarrassments, from which I
+resolved to extricate myself with the first opportunity.
+
+According to the information given to M. Reydelet, we passed our Easter
+holidays at Bellay, and though not expected there, were received by the
+music--master, and welcomed by every one with great pleasure.  M. le
+Maitre was of considerable note in his profession, and, indeed, merited
+that distinction.  The music-master of Bellay (who was fond of his own
+works) endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge; for
+besides being a connoisseur, M. le Maitre was equitable, neither a
+jealous, ill-natured critic, nor a servile flatterer.  He was so superior
+to the generality of country music-masters and they were so sensible of
+it, that they treated him rather as their chief than a brother musician.
+
+Having passed four or five days very agreeably at Bellay, we departed,
+and continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents, except
+those I have just spoken of, arrived at Lyons, and were lodged at Notre
+Dame de Pitie.  While we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned
+case (which by the assistance of another lie, and the care of our good
+patron, M. Reydelet, we had embarked on the Rhone) M. le Maitre went to
+visit his acquaintance, and among others Father Cato, a Cordelier, who
+will be spoken of hereafter, and the Abbe Dortan, Count of Lyons, both of
+whom received him well, but afterwards betrayed him, as will be seen
+presently; indeed, his good fortune terminated with M. Reydelet.
+
+Two days after our arrival at Lyons, as we passed a little street not far
+from our inn, Le Maitre was attacked by one of his fits; but it was now
+so violent as to give me the utmost alarm.  I screamed with terror,
+called for help, and naming our inn, entreated some one to bear him to
+it, then (while the people were assembled, and busy round a man that had
+fallen senseless in the street) he was abandoned by the only friend on
+whom he could have any reasonable dependence; I seized the instant when
+no one heeded me, turned the corner of the street and disappeared.
+Thanks to Heaven, I have made my third painful confession; if many such
+remained, I should certainly abandon the work I have undertaken.
+
+Of all the incidents I have yet related, a few traces are remaining in
+the places where I have lived; but what I have to relate in the following
+book is almost entirely unknown; these are the greatest extravagancies of
+my life, and it is happy they had not worse conclusions.  My head, (if I
+may use the simile) screwed up to the pitch of an instrument it did not
+naturally accord with, had lost its diapason; in time it returned to it
+again, when I discontinued my follies, or at least gave in to those more
+consonant to my disposition.  This epoch of my youth I am least able to
+recollect, nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence my
+heart, to make me clearly retrace the remembrance.  In so many successive
+changes, it is difficult not to make some transpositions of time or
+place.  I write absolutely from memory, without notes or materials to
+help my recollection.  Some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had
+recently happened, but there are certain chasms which I cannot fill up
+but by the aid of recital, as confused as the remaining traces of those
+to which they refer.  It is possible, therefore, that I may have erred in
+trifles, and perhaps shall again, but in every matter of importance I can
+answer that the account is faithfully exact, and with the same veracity
+the reader may depend I shall be careful to continue it.
+
+My resolution was soon taken after quitting Le Maitre; I set out
+immediately for Annecy.  The cause and mystery of our departure had
+interested me for the security of our retreat: this interest, which
+entirely employed my thoughts for some days, had banished every other
+idea; but no sooner was I secure and in tranquility, than my predominant
+sentiment regained its place.  Nothing flattered, nothing tempted me, I
+had no wish but to return to Madam de Warrens; the tenderness and truth
+of my attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable
+project, and all the follies of ambition, I conceived no happiness but
+living near her, nor could I take a step without feeling that the
+distance between us was increased.  I returned, therefore, as soon as
+possible, with such speed, and with my spirits in such a state of
+agitation, that though I recall with pleasure all my other travels, I
+have not the least recollection of this, only remembering my leaving
+Lyons and reaching Annecy.  Let anyone judge whether this last event can
+have slipped my memory, when informed that on my arrival I found Madam de
+Warrens was not there, having set out for Paris.
+
+I was never well informed of the motives of this journey.  I am certain
+she would have told me had I asked her, but never was man less curious to
+learn the secrets of his friend.  My heart is ever so entirely filled
+with the present, or with past pleasures, which become a principal part
+of my enjoyment, that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to
+enter.  All that I conceive from what I heard of it, is, that in the
+revolution caused at Turin by the abdication of the King of Sardinia,
+she feared being forgotten, and was willing by favor of the intrigues of
+M. d' Aubonne to seek the same advantage in the court of France, where
+she has often told me she should, have preferred it, as the multiplicity
+of business there prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected.
+If this was her business, it is astonishing that on her return she was
+not ill received; be that as it will, she continued to enjoy her
+allowance without any interruption.  Many people imagined she was charged
+with some secret commission, either by the bishop, who then had business
+at the court of France, where he himself was soon after obliged to go,
+or some one yet more powerful, who knew how to insure her a gracious
+reception at her return.  If this was the case, it is certain the
+ambassadress was not ill chosen, since being young and handsome, she had
+all the necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation.
+
+
+
+
+ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:
+
+A subject not even fit to make a priest of
+Endeavoring to hide my incapacity, I rarely fail to show it
+Endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling
+Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment
+Hat only fit to be carried under his arm
+Love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart
+Mistake wit for sense
+Priests ought never to have children--except by married women
+Rather appeared to study with than to instruct me
+Though not a fool, I have frequently passed for one
+
+
+
+
+End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v3
+by Jean Jacques Rousseau
+
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