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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book II.
+by Jean Jacques Rousseau
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book II.
+
+Author: Jean Jacques Rousseau
+
+Release Date: December 6, 2004 [EBook #3902]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUSSEAU ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
+(In 12 books)
+
+Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society
+
+London, 1903
+
+
+
+BOOK II.
+
+
+The moment in which fear had instigated my flight, did not seem more
+terrible than that wherein I put my design in execution appeared
+delightful.  To leave my relations, my resources, while yet a child,
+in the midst of my apprenticeship, before I had learned enough of my
+business to obtain a subsistence; to run on inevitable misery and danger:
+to expose myself in that age of weakness and innocence to all the
+temptations of vice and despair; to set out in search of errors,
+misfortunes, snares, slavery, and death; to endure more intolerable evils
+than those I meant to shun, was the picture I should have drawn, the
+natural consequence of my hazardous enterprise.  How different was the
+idea I entertained of it!--The independence I seemed to possess was the
+sole object of my contemplation; having obtained my liberty, I thought
+everything attainable: I entered with confidence on the vast theatre of
+the world, which my merit was to captivate: at every step I expected to
+find amusements, treasures, and adventures; friends ready to serve, and
+mistresses eager to please me; I had but to show myself, and the whole
+universe would be interested in my concerns; not but I could have been
+content with something less; a charming society, with sufficient means,
+might have satisfied me.  My moderation was such, that the sphere in
+which I proposed to shine was rather circumscribed, but then it was to
+possess the very quintessence of enjoyment, and myself the principal
+object.  A single castle, for instance, might have bounded my ambition;
+could I have been the favorite of the lord and lady, the daughter's
+lover, the son's friend, and protector of the neighbors, I might have
+been tolerably content, and sought no further.
+
+In expectation of this modest fortune, I passed a few days in the
+environs of the city, with some country people of my acquaintance, who
+received me with more kindness than I should have met with in town; they
+welcomed, lodged, and fed me cheerfully; I could be said to live on
+charity, these favors were not conferred with a sufficient appearance of
+superiority to furnish out the idea.
+
+I rambled about in this manner till I got to Confignon, in Savoy, at
+about two leagues distance from Geneva.  The vicar was called M. de
+Pontverre; this name, so famous in the history of the Republic, caught my
+attention; I was curious to see what appearance the descendants of the
+gentlemen of the spoon exhibited; I went, therefore, to visit this M. de
+Pontverre, and was received with great civility.
+
+He spoke of the heresy of Geneva, declaimed on the authority of holy
+mother church, and then invited me to dinner.  I had little to object to
+arguments which had so desirable a conclusion, and was inclined to
+believe that priests, who gave such excellent dinners, might be as good
+as our ministers.  Notwithstanding M. de Pontverre's pedigree, I
+certainly possessed most learning; but I rather sought to be a good
+companion than an expert theologian; and his Frangi wine, which I thought
+delicious, argued so powerfully on his side, that I should have blushed
+at silencing so kind a host; I, therefore, yielded him the victory, or
+rather declined the contest.  Any one who had observed my precaution,
+would certainly have pronounced me a dissembler, though, in fact, I was
+only courteous.
+
+Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice in young people;
+'tis oftener a virtue.  When treated with kindness, it is natural to feel
+an attachment for the person who confers the obligation; we do not
+acquiesce because we wish to deceive, but from dread of giving
+uneasiness, or because we wish to avoid the ingratitude of rendering evil
+for good.  What interest had M. de Pontverre in entertaining, treating
+with respect, and endeavoring to convince me?  None but mine; my young
+heart told me this, and I was penetrated with gratitude and respect for
+the generous priest; I was sensible of my superiority, but scorned to
+repay his hospitality by taking advantage of it.  I had no conception of
+hypocrisy in this forbearance, or thought of changing my religion, nay,
+so far was the idea from being familiar to me, that I looked on it with a
+degree of horror which seemed to exclude the possibility of such an
+event; I only wished to avoid giving offence to those I was sensible
+caressed me from that motive; I wished to cultivate their good opinion,
+and meantime leave them the hope of success by seeming less on my guard
+than I really was.  My conduct in this particular resembled the coquetry
+of some very honest women, who, to obtain their wishes, without
+permitting or promising anything, sometimes encourage hopes they never
+mean to realize.
+
+Reason, piety, and love of order, certainly demanded that instead of
+being encouraged in my folly, I should have been dissuaded from the ruin
+I was courting, and sent back to my family; and this conduct any one that
+was actuated by genuine virtue would have pursued; but it should be
+observed that though M. de Pontverre was a religious man, he was not a
+virtuous one, but a bigot, who knew no virtue except worshipping images
+and telling his beads, in a word, a kind of missionary, who thought the
+height of merit consisted in writing libels against the ministers of
+Geneva.  Far from wishing to send me back, he endeavored to favor my
+escape, and put it out of my power to return even had I been so disposed.
+It was a thousand to one but he was sending me to perish with hunger, or
+become a villain; but all this was foreign to his purpose; he saw a soul
+snatched from heresy, and restored to the bosom of the church: whether I
+was an honest man or a knave was very immaterial, provided I went to
+mass.
+
+This ridiculous mode of thinking is not peculiar to Catholics; it is the
+voice of every dogmatical persuasion where merit consists in belief, and
+not in virtue.
+
+"You are called by the Almighty," said M. de Pontverre; "go to Annecy,
+where you will find a good and charitable lady, whom the bounty of the
+king enables to turn souls from those errors she has happily renounced."
+He spoke of a Madam de Warrens, a new convert, to whom the priests
+contrived to send those wretches who were disposed to sell their faith,
+and with these she was in a manner constrained to share a pension of two
+thousand francs bestowed on her by the King of Sardinia.  I felt myself
+extremely humiliated at being supposed to want the assistance of a good
+and charitable lady.  I had no objection to be accommodated with
+everything I stood in need of, but did not wish to receive it on the
+footing of charity and to owe this obligation to a devotee was still
+worse; notwithstanding my scruples the persuasions of M. de Pontverre,
+the dread of perishing with hunger, the pleasures I promised myself from
+the journey, and hope of obtaining some desirable situation, determined
+me; and I set out though reluctantly, for Annecy.  I could easily have
+reached it in a day, but being in no great haste to arrive there, it took
+me three.  My head was filled with the ideas of adventures, and I
+approached every country-seat I saw in my way, in expectation of having
+them realized.  I had too much timidity to knock at the doors, or even
+enter if I saw them open, but I did what I dared--which was to sing under
+those windows that I thought had the most favorable appearance; and was
+very much disconcerted to find I wasted my breath to no purpose, and that
+neither old nor young ladies were attracted by the melody of my voice, or
+the wit of my poetry, though some songs my companions had taught me I
+thought excellent and that I sung them incomparably.  At length I arrived
+at Annecy, and saw Madam de Warrens.
+
+As this period of my life, in a great measure, determined my character,
+I could not resolve to pass it lightly over.  I was in the middle of my
+sixteenth year, and though I could not be called handsome, was well made
+for my height; I had a good foot, a well turned leg, and animated
+countenance; a well proportioned mouth, black hair and eyebrows, and my
+eyes, though small and rather too far in my head, sparkling with
+vivacity, darted that innate fire which inflamed my blood; unfortunately
+for me, I knew nothing of all this, never having bestowed a single
+thought on my person till it was too late to be of any service to me.
+The timidity common to my age was heightened by a natural benevolence,
+which made me dread the idea of giving pain.  Though my mind had received
+some cultivation, having seen nothing of the world, I was an absolute
+stranger to polite address, and my mental acquisitions, so far from
+supplying this defect, only served to increase my embarrassment, by
+making me sensible of every deficiency.
+
+Depending little, therefore, on external appearances, I had recourse to
+other expedients: I wrote a most elaborate letter, where, mingling all
+the flowers of rhetoric which I had borrowed from books with the phrases
+of an apprentice, I endeavored to strike the attention, and insure the
+good will of Madam de Warrens.  I enclosed M. de Pontverre's letter in my
+own and waited on the lady with a heart palpitating with fear and
+expectation.  It was Palm Sunday, of the year 1728; I was informed she
+was that moment gone to church; I hasten after her, overtake, and speak
+to her.--The place is yet fresh in my memory--how can it be otherwise?
+often have I moistened it with my tears and covered it with kisses.--Why
+cannot I enclose with gold the happy spot, and render it the object of
+universal veneration?  Whoever wishes to honor monuments of human
+salvation would only approach it on their knees.
+
+It was a passage at the back of the house, bordered on the left hand by a
+little rivulet, which separated it from the garden, and, on the right, by
+the court yard wall; at the end was a private door which opened into the
+church of the Cordeliers.  Madam de Warrens was just passing this door;
+but on hearing my voice, instantly turned about.  What an effect did the
+sight of her produce!  I expected to see a devout, forbidding old woman;
+M. de Pontverre's pious and worthy lady could be no other in my
+conception; instead of which, I see a face beaming with charms, fine blue
+eyes full of sweetness, a complexion whose whiteness dazzled the sight,
+the form of an enchanting neck, nothing escaped the eager eye of the
+young proselyte; for that instant I was hers!--a religion preached by
+such missionaries must lead to paradise!
+
+My letter was presented with a trembling hand; she took it with a smile
+--opened it, glanced an eye over M. de Pontverre's and again returned to
+mine, which she read through and would have read again, had not the
+footman that instant informed her that service was beginning--"Child,"
+said she, in a tone of voice which made every nerve vibrate, "you are
+wandering about at an early age--it is really a pity!"--and without
+waiting for an answer, added--"Go to my house, bid them give you
+something for breakfast, after mass, I will speak to you."
+
+Louisa--Eleanora de Warrens was of the noble and ancient family of La
+Tour de Pit, of Vevay, a city in the country of the Vaudois.  She was
+married very young to a M. de Warrens, of the house of Loys, eldest son
+of M. de Villardin, of Lausanne; there were no children by this marriage,
+which was far from being a happy one.  Some domestic uneasiness made
+Madam de Warrens take the resolution of crossing the Lake, and throwing
+herself at the feet of Victor Amadeus, who was then at Evian; thus
+abandoning her husband, family, and country by a giddiness similar to
+mine, which precipitation she, too, has found sufficient time and reason
+to lament.
+
+The king, who was fond of appearing a zealous promoter of the Catholic
+faith, took her under his protection, and complimented her with a pension
+of fifteen hundred livres of Piedmont, which was a considerable
+appointment for a prince who never had the character of being generous;
+but finding his liberality made some conjecture he had an affection for
+the lady, he sent her to Annecy escorted by a detachment of his guards,
+where, under the direction of Michael Gabriel de Bernex, titular bishop
+of Geneva, she abjured her former religion at the Convent of the
+Visitation.
+
+I came to Annecy just six years after this event; Madam de Warrens was
+then eight--and--twenty, being born with the century.  Her beauty,
+consisting more in the expressive animation of the countenance, than a
+set of features, was in its meridian; her manner soothing and tender; an
+angelic smile played about her mouth, which was small and delicate; she
+wore her hair (which was of an ash color, and uncommonly beautiful) with
+an air of negligence that made her appear still more interesting; she was
+short, and rather thick for her height, though by no means disagreeably
+so; but there could not be a more lovely face, a finer neck, or hands and
+arms more exquisitely formed.
+
+Her education had been derived from such a variety of sources, that it
+formed an extraordinary assemblage.  Like me, she had lost her mother at
+her birth, and had received instruction as it chanced to present itself;
+she had learned something of her governess, something of her father, a
+little of her masters, but copiously from her lovers; particularly a M.
+de Tavel, who, possessing both taste and information, endeavored to adorn
+with them the mind of her he loved.  These various instructions, not
+being properly arranged, tended to impede each other, and she did not
+acquire that degree of improvement her natural good sense was capable of
+receiving; she knew something of philosophy and physic, but not enough to
+eradicate the fondness she had imbibed from her father for empiricism and
+alchemy; she made elixirs, tinctures, balsams, pretended to secrets, and
+prepared magestry; while quacks and pretenders, profiting by her
+weakness, destroyed her property among furnaces, drugs and minerals,
+diminishing those charms and accomplishments which might have been the
+delight of the most elegant circles.  But though these interested
+wretches took advantage of her ill-applied education to obscure her
+natural good sense, her excellent heart retained its purity; her amiable
+mildness, sensibility for the unfortunate, inexhaustible bounty, and
+open, cheerful frankness, knew no variation; even at the approach of old
+age, when attacked by various calamities, rendered more cutting by
+indigence, the serenity of her disposition preserved to the end of her
+life the pleasing gayety of her happiest days.
+
+Her errors proceeded from an inexhaustible fund of activity, which
+demanded perpetual employment.  She found no satisfaction in the
+customary intrigues of her sex, but, being formed for vast designs,
+sought the direction of important enterprises and discoveries.  In her
+place Madam de Longueville would have been a mere trifler, in Madam de
+Longueville's situation she would have governed the state.  Her talents
+did not accord with her fortune; what would have gained her distinction
+in a more elevated sphere, became her ruin.  In enterprises which suited
+her disposition, she arranged the plan in her imagination, which was ever
+carried of its utmost extent, and the means she employed being
+proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities, she failed by the
+mismanagement of those upon whom she depended, and was ruined where
+another would scarce have been a loser.  This active disposition, which
+involved her in so many difficulties, was at least productive of one
+benefit as it prevented her from passing the remainder of her life in the
+monastic asylum she had chosen, which she had some thought of.  The
+simple and uniform life of a nun, and the little cabals and gossipings of
+their parlor, were not adapted to a mind vigorous and active, which,
+every day forming new systems, had occasions for liberty to attempt their
+completion.
+
+The good bishop of Bernex, with less wit than Francis of Sales, resembled
+him in many particulars, and Madam de Warrens, whom he loved to call his
+daughter, and who was like Madam de Chantel in several respects, might
+have increased the resemblance by retiring like her from the world, had
+she not been disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent.  It was not
+want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from giving those proofs of
+devotion which might have been expected from a new convert, under the
+immediate direction of a prelate.  Whatever might have influenced her to
+change her religion, she was certainly sincere in that she had embraced;
+she might find sufficient occasion to repent having abjured her former
+faith, but no inclination to return to it.  She not only died a good
+Catholic, but truly lived one; nay, I dare affirm (and I think I have had
+the opportunity to read the secrets of her heart) that it was only her
+aversion to singularity that prevented her acting the devotee in public;
+in a word, her piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of
+it.  But this is not the place to enlarge on her principles: I shall find
+other occasions to speak of them.
+
+Let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls, explain, if they
+know how, why the first glance, the first word of Madam de Warrens
+inspired me, not only with a lively attachment, but with the most
+unbounded confidence, which has since known no abatement.  Say this was
+love (which will at least appear doubtful to those who read the sequel of
+our attachment) how could this passion be attended with sentiments which
+scarce ever accompany its commencement, such as peace, serenity,
+security, and confidence.  How, when making application to an amiable and
+polished woman, whose situation in life was so superior to mine, so far
+above any I had yet approached, on whom, in a great measure, depended my
+future fortune by the degree of interest she might take in it; how, I say
+with so many reasons to depress me, did I feel myself as free, as much at
+my ease, as if I had been perfectly secure of pleasing her!  Why did I
+not experience a moment of embarrassment, timidity or restraint?
+Naturally bashful, easily confused, having seen nothing of the world,
+could I, the first time, the first moment I beheld her, adopt caressing
+language, and a familiar tone, as readily as after ten years' intimacy
+had rendered these freedoms natural?  Is it possible to possess love, I
+will not say without desires, for I certainly had them, but without
+inquietude, without jealousy?  Can we avoid feeling an anxious wish at
+least to know whether our affection is returned?  Yet such a question
+never entered my imagination; I should as soon have inquired, do I love
+myself; nor did she ever express a greater degree of curiosity; there
+was, certainly, something extraordinary in my attachment to this charming
+woman and it will be found in the sequel, that some extravagances, which
+cannot be foreseen, attended it.
+
+What could be done for me, was the present question, and in order to
+discuss the point with greater freedom, she made me dine with her.  This
+was the first meal in my life where I had experienced a want of appetite,
+and her woman, who waited, observed it was the first time she had seen a
+traveller of my age and appearance deficient in that particular: this
+remark, which did me no injury in the opinion of her mistress, fell hard
+on an overgrown clown, who was my fellow guest, and devoured sufficient
+to have served at least six moderate feeders.  For me, I was too much
+charmed to think of eating; my heart began to imbibe a delicious
+sensation, which engrossed my whole being, and left no room for other
+objects.
+
+Madam de Warrens wished to hear the particulars of my little history--all
+the vivacity I had lost during my servitude returned and assisted the
+recital.  In proportion to the interest this excellent woman took in my
+story, did she lament the fate to which I had exposed myself; compassion
+was painted on her features, and expressed by every action.  She could
+not exhort me to return to Geneva, being too well aware that her words
+and actions were strictly scrutinized, and that such advice would be
+thought high treason against Catholicism, but she spoke so feelingly of
+the affliction I must give her(my) father, that it was easy to perceive
+she would have approved my returning to console him.  Alas!  she little
+thought how powerfully this pleaded against herself; the more eloquently
+persuasive she appeared, the less could I resolve to tear myself from
+her.  I knew that returning to Geneva would be putting an insuperable
+barrier between us, unless I repeated the expedient which had brought me
+here, and it was certainly better to preserve than expose myself to the
+danger of a relapse; besides all this, my conduct was predetermined, I
+was resolved not to return.  Madam de Warrens, seeing her endeavors would
+be fruitless, became less explicit, and only added, with an air of
+commiseration, "Poor child!  thou must go where Providence directs thee,
+but one day thou wilt think of me."--I believe she had no conception at
+that time how fatally her prediction would be verified.
+
+The difficulty still remained how I was to gain a subsistence?  I have
+already observed that I knew too little of engraving for that to furnish
+my resource, and had I been more expert, Savoy was too poor a country to
+give much encouragement to the arts.  The above-mentioned glutton, who
+eat for us as well as himself, being obliged to pause in order to gain
+some relaxation from the fatigue of it, imparted a piece of advice,
+which, according to him, came express from Heaven; though to judge by its
+effects it appeared to have been dictated from a direct contrary quarter:
+this was that I should go to Turin, where, in a hospital instituted for
+the instruction of catechumens, I should find food, both spiritual and
+temporal, be reconciled to the bosom of the church, and meet with some
+charitable Christians, who would make it a point to procure me a
+situation that would turn to my advantage.  "In regard to the expenses of
+the journey," continued our advisor, "his grace, my lord bishop, will not
+be backward, when once madam has proposed this holy work, to offer his
+charitable donation, and madam, the baroness, whose charity is so well
+known," once more addressing himself to the continuation of his meal,
+"will certainly contribute."
+
+I was by no means pleased with all these charities; I said nothing, but
+my heart was ready to burst with vexation.  Madam de Warrens, who did not
+seem to think so highly of this expedient as the projector pretended to
+do, contented herself by saying, everyone should endeavor to promote good
+actions, and that she would mention it to his lordship; but the meddling
+devil, who had some private interest in this affair, and questioned
+whether she would urge it to his satisfaction, took care to acquaint the
+almoners with my story, and so far influenced those good priests, that
+when Madam de Warrens, who disliked the journey on my account, mentioned
+it to the bishop, she found it so far concluded on, that he immediately
+put into her hands the money designed for my little viaticum.  She dared
+not advance anything against it; I was approaching an age when a woman
+like her could not, with any propriety, appear anxious to retain me.
+
+My departure being thus determined by those who undertook the management
+of my concerns, I had only to submit; and I did it without much
+repugnance.  Though Turin was at a greater distance from Madam de Warrens
+than Geneva, yet being the capital of the country I was now in, it seemed
+to have more connection with Annecy than a city under a different
+government and of a contrary religion; besides, as I undertook this
+journey in obedience to her, I considered myself as living under her
+direction, which was more flattering than barely to continue in the
+neighborhood; to sum up all, the idea of a long journey coincided with my
+insurmountable passion for rambling, which already began to demonstrate
+itself.  To pass the mountains, to my eye appeared delightful; how
+charming the reflection of elevating myself above my companions by the
+whole height of the Alps!  To see the world is an almost irresistible
+temptation to a Genevan, accordingly I gave my consent.
+
+He who suggested the journey was to set off in two days with his wife.
+I was recommended to their care; they were likewise made my purse
+--bearers, which had been augmented by Madam de Warrens, who, not contented
+with these kindnesses, added secretly a pecuniary reinforcement, attended
+with the most ample instructions, and we departed on the Wednesday before
+Easter.
+
+The day following, my father arrived at Annecy, accompanied by his
+friend, a Mr. Rival, who was likewise a watchmaker; he was a man of sense
+and letters, who wrote better verses than La Motte, and spoke almost as
+well; what is still more to his praise, he was a man of the strictest
+integrity, but whose taste for literature only served to make one of his
+sons a comedian.  Having traced me to the house of Madam de Warrens, they
+contented themselves with lamenting, like her, my fate, instead of
+overtaking me, which, (as they were on horseback and I on foot) they
+might have accomplished with the greatest ease.
+
+My uncle Bernard did the same thing, he arrived at Consignon, received
+information that I was gone to Annecy, and immediately returned back to
+Geneva; thus my nearest relations seemed to have conspired with my
+adverse stars to consign me to misery and ruin.  By a similar negligence,
+my brother was so entirely lost, that it was never known what was become
+of him.
+
+My father was not only a man of honor but of the strictest probity, and
+endured with that magnanimity which frequently produces the most shining
+virtues: I may add, he was a good father, particularly to me whom he
+tenderly loved; but he likewise loved his pleasures, and since we had
+been separated other connections had weakened his paternal affections.
+He had married again at Nion, and though his second wife was too old to
+expect children, she had relations; my father was united to another
+family, surrounded by other objects, and a variety of cares prevented my
+returning to his remembrance.  He was in the decline of life and had
+nothing to support the inconveniences of old age; my mother's property
+devolved to me and my brother, but, during our absence, the interest of
+it was enjoyed by my father: I do not mean to infer that this
+consideration had an immediate effect on his conduct, but it had an
+imperceptible one, and prevented him making use of that exertion to
+regain me which he would otherwise have employed; and this, I think, was
+the reason that having traced me as far as Annecy, he stopped short,
+without proceeding to Chambery, where he was almost certain I should be
+found; and likewise accounts why, on visiting him several times since my
+flight, he always received me with great kindness, but never made any
+efforts to retain me.
+
+This conduct in a father, whose affection and virtue I was so well
+convinced of, has given birth to reflections on the regulation of my own
+conduct which have greatly contributed to preserve the integrity of my
+heart.  It has taught me this great lesson of morality, perhaps the only
+one that can have any conspicuous influence on our actions, that we
+should ever carefully avoid putting our interests in competition with our
+duty, or promise ourselves felicity from the misfortunes of others;
+certain that in such circumstances, however sincere our love of virtue
+may be, sooner or later it will give way and we shall imperceptibly
+become unjust and wicked, in fact, however upright in our intentions.
+
+This maxim, strongly imprinted on my mind, and reduced, though rather too
+late, to practice, has given my conduct an appearance of folly and
+whimsicality, not only in public, but still more among my acquaintances:
+it has been said, I affected originality, and sought to act different
+from other people; the truth is, I neither endeavor to conform or be
+singular, I desire only to act virtuously and avoid situations, which,
+by setting my interest in opposition to that of another person's, might
+inspire me with a secret, though involuntary wish to his disadvantage.
+
+Two years ago, My Lord Marshal would have put my name in his will, which
+I took every method to prevent, assuring him I would not for the world
+know myself in the will of any one, much less in his; he gave up the
+idea; but insisted in return, that I should accept an annuity on his
+life; this I consented to.  It will be said, I find my account in the
+alteration; perhaps I may; but oh, my benefactor!  my father, I am now
+sensible that, should I have the misfortune to survive thee, I should
+have everything to lose, nothing to gain.
+
+This, in my idea, in true philosophy, the surest bulwark of human
+rectitude; every day do I receive fresh conviction of its profound
+solidity.  I have endeavored to recommend it in all my latter writings,
+but the multitude read too superficially to have made the remark.  If I
+survive my present undertaking, and am able to begin another, I mean, in
+a continuation of Emilius, to give such a lively and marking example of
+this maxim as cannot fail to strike attention.  But I have made
+reflections enough for a traveller, it is time to continue my journey.
+
+It turned out more agreeable than I expected: my clownish conductor was
+not so morose as he appeared to be.  He was a middle-aged man, wore his
+black, grizzly hair, in a queue, had a martial air, a strong voice, was
+tolerably cheerful, and to make up for not having been taught any trade,
+could turn his hand to every one.  Having proposed to establish some kind
+of manufactory at Annecy, he had consulted Madam de Warrens, who
+immediately gave into the project, and he was now going to Turin to lay
+the plan before the minister and get his approbation, for which journey
+he took care to be well rewarded.
+
+This drole had the art of ingratiating himself with the priests, whom he
+ever appeared eager to serve; he adopted a certain jargon which he had
+learned by frequenting their company, and thought himself a notable
+preacher; he could even repeat one passage from the Bible in Latin, and
+it answered his purpose as well as if he had known a thousand, for he
+repeated it a thousand times a day.  He was seldom at a loss for money
+when he knew what purse contained it; yet, was rather artful than
+knavish, and when dealing out in an affected tone his unmeaning
+discourses, resembled Peter the Hermit, preaching up the crusade with a
+sabre at his side.
+
+Madam Sabran, his wife, was a tolerable, good sort of woman; more
+peaceable by day than by night; as I slept in the same chamber I was
+frequently disturbed by her wakefulness, and should have been more so had
+I comprehended the cause of it; but I was in the chapter of dullness,
+which left to nature the whole care of my own instruction.
+
+I went on gayly with my pious guide and his hopeful companion, no
+sinister accident impeding our journey.  I was in the happiest
+circumstances both of mind and body that I ever recollect having
+experienced; young, full of health and security, placing unbounded
+confidence in myself and others; in that short but charming moment of
+human life, whose expansive energy carries, if I may so express myself,
+our being to the utmost extent of our sensations, embellishing all nature
+with an inexpressible charm, flowing from the conscious and rising
+enjoyment of our existence.
+
+My pleasing inquietudes became less wandering: I had now an object on
+which imagination could fix.  I looked on myself as the work, the pupil,
+the friend, almost the lover of Madam de Warrens; the obliging things she
+had said, the caresses she had bestowed on me; the tender interest she
+seemed to take in everything that concerned me; those charming looks,
+which seemed replete with love, because they so powerfully inspired it,
+every consideration flattered my ideas during this journey, and furnished
+the most delicious reveries, which, no doubt, no fear of my future
+condition arose to embitter.  In sending me to Turin, I thought they
+engaged to find me an agreeable subsistence there; thus eased of every
+care I passed lightly on, while young desires, enchanting hopes, and
+brilliant prospects employed my mind; each object that presented itself
+seemed to insure my approaching felicity.  I imagined that every house
+was filled with joyous festivity, the meadows resounded with sports and
+revelry, the rivers offered refreshing baths, delicious fish wantoned in
+these streams, and how delightful was it to ramble along the flowery
+banks!  The trees were loaded with the choicest fruits, while their shade
+afforded the most charming and voluptuous retreats to happy lovers; the
+mountains abounded with milk and cream; peace and leisure, simplicity and
+joy, mingled with the charm of going I knew not whither, and everything I
+saw carried to my heart some new cause for rapture.  The grandeur,
+variety, and real beauty of the scene, in some measure rendered the charm
+reasonable, in which vanity came in for its share; to go so young to
+Italy, view such an extent of country, and pursue the route of Hannibal
+over the Alps, appeared a glory beyond my age; add to all this our
+frequent and agreeable halts, with a good appetite and plenty to satisfy
+it; for in truth it was not worth while to be sparing; at Mr. Sabran's
+table what I eat could scarce be missed.  In the whole course of my life
+I cannot recollect an interval more perfectly exempt from care, than the
+seven or eight days I was passing from Annecy to Turin.  As we were
+obliged to walk Madam Sabran's pace, it rather appeared an agreeable
+jaunt than a fatiguing journey; there still remains the most pleasing
+impressions of it on my mind, and the idea of a pedestrian excursion,
+particularly among the mountains, has from this time seemed delightful.
+
+It was only in my happiest days that I travelled on foot, and ever with
+the most unbounded satisfaction; afterwards, occupied with business and
+encumbered with baggage, I was forced to act the gentleman and employ a
+carriage, where care, embarrassment, and restraint, were sure to be my
+companions, and instead of being delighted with the journey, I only
+wished to arrive at the place of destination.
+
+I was a long time at Paris, wishing to meet with two companions of
+similar dispositions, who would each agree to appropriate fifty guineas
+of his property and a year of his time to making the tour of Italy on
+foot, with no other attendance than a young fellow to carry our
+necessaries; I have met with many who seemed enchanted with the project,
+but considered it only as a visionary scheme, which served well enough to
+talk of, without any design of putting it in execution.  One day,
+speaking with enthusiasm of this project to Diderot and Grimm, they gave
+into the proposal with such warmth that I thought the matter concluded
+on; but it only turned out a journey on paper, in which Grimm thought
+nothing so pleasing as making Diderot commit a number of impieties, and
+shutting me up in the Inquisition for them, instead of him.
+
+My regret at arriving so soon at Turin was compensated by the pleasure of
+viewing a large city, and the hope of figuring there in a conspicuous
+character, for my brain already began to be intoxicated with the fumes of
+ambition; my present situation appeared infinitely above that of an
+apprentice, and I was far from foreseeing how soon I should be much below
+it.
+
+Before I proceed, I ought to offer an excuse, or justification to the
+reader for the great number of unentertaining particulars I am
+necessitated to repeat.  In pursuance of the resolution I have formed to
+enter on this public exhibition of myself, it is necessary that nothing
+should bear the appearance of obscurity or concealment.  I should be
+continually under the eye of the reader, he should be enabled to follow
+me In all the wanderings of my heart, through every intricacy of my
+adventures; he must find no void or chasm in my relation, nor lose sight
+of me an instant, lest he should find occasion to say, what was he doing
+at this time; and suspect me of not having dared to reveal the whole.  I
+give sufficient scope to malignity in what I say; it is unnecessary I
+should furnish still more by my science.
+
+My money was all gone, even that I had secretly received from Madam de
+Warrens: I had been so indiscreet as to divulge this secret, and my
+conductors had taken care to profit by it.  Madam Sabran found means to
+deprive me of everything I had, even to a ribbon embroidered with silver,
+with which Madam de Warrens had adorned the hilt of my sword; this I
+regretted more than all the rest; indeed the sword itself would have gone
+the same way, had I been less obstinately bent on retaining it.  They
+had, it is true, supported me during the journey, but left me nothing at
+the end of it, and I arrived at Turin, without money, clothes, or linen,
+being precisely in the situation to owe to my merit alone the whole honor
+of that fortune I was about to acquire.
+
+I took care in the first place to deliver the letters I was charged with,
+and was presently conducted to the hospital of the catechumens, to be
+instructed in that religion, for which, in return, I was to receive
+subsistence.  On entering, I passed an iron-barred gate, which was
+immediately double-locked on me; this beginning was by no means
+calculated to give me a favorable opinion of my situation.  I was then
+conducted to a large apartment, whose furniture consisted of a wooden
+altar at the farther end, on which was a large crucifix, and round it
+several indifferent chairs, of the same materials.  In this hall of
+audience were assembled four or five ill-looking banditti, my comrades in
+instruction, who would rather have been taken for trusty servants of the
+devil than candidates for the kingdom of heaven.  Two of these fellows
+were Sclavonians, but gave out they were African Jews, and (as they
+assured me) had run through Spain and Italy, embracing the Christian
+faith, and being baptised wherever they thought it worth their labor.
+
+Soon after they opened another iron gate, which divided a large balcony
+that overlooked a court yard, and by this avenue entered our sister
+catechumens, who, like me, were going to be regenerated, not by baptism
+but a solemn abjuration.  A viler set of idle, dirty, abandoned harlots,
+never disgraced any persuasion; one among them, however, appeared pretty
+and interesting; she might be about my own age, perhaps a year or two
+older, and had a pair of roguish eyes, which frequently encountered mine;
+this was enough to inspire me with the desire of becoming acquainted with
+her, but she had been so strongly recommended to the care of the old
+governess of this respectable sisterhood, and was so narrowly watched by
+the pious missionary, who labored for her conversion with more zeal than
+diligence, that during the two months we remained together in this house
+(where she had already been three) I found it absolutely impossible to
+exchange a word with her.  She must have been extremely stupid, though
+she had not the appearance of it, for never was a longer course of
+instruction; the holy man could never bring her to a state of mind fit
+for abjuration; meantime she became weary of her cloister, declaring
+that, Christian or not, she would stay there no longer; and they were
+obliged to take her at her word, lest she should grow refractory, and
+insist on departing as great a sinner as she came.
+
+This hopeful community were assembled in honor of the new-comer; when our
+guides made us a short exhortation: I was conjured to be obedient to the
+grace that Heaven had bestowed on me; the rest were admonished to assist
+me with their prayers, and give me edification by their good example.
+Our virgins then retired to another apartment, and I was left to
+contemplate, at leisure, that wherein I found myself.
+
+The next morning we were again assembled for instruction: I now began to
+reflect, for the first time, on the step I was about to take, and the
+circumstances which had led me to it.
+
+I repeat, and shall perhaps repeat again, an assertion I have already
+advanced, and of whose truth I every day receive fresh conviction, which
+is, that if ever child received a reasonable and virtuous education, it
+was myself.  Born in a family of unexceptionable morals, every lesson I
+received was replete with maxims of prudence and virtue.  My father
+(though fond of gallantry) not only possessed distinguished probity, but
+much religion; in the world he appeared a man of pleasure, in his family
+he was a Christian, and implanted early in my mind those sentiments he
+felt the force of.  My three aunts were women of virtue and piety; the
+two eldest were professed devotees, and the third, who united all the
+graces of wit and good sense, was, perhaps, more truly religious than
+either, though with less ostentation.  From the bosom of this amiable
+family I was transplanted to M. Lambercier's, a man dedicated to the
+ministry, who believed the doctrine he taught, and acted up to its
+precepts.  He and his sister matured by their instructions those
+principles of judicious piety I had already imbibed, and the means
+employed by these worthy people were so well adapted to the effect they
+meant to produce, that so far from being fatigued, I scarce ever listened
+to their admonitions without finding myself sensibly affected, and
+forming resolutions to live virtuously, from which, except in moments of
+forgetfulness, I seldom swerved.  At my uncle's, religion was far more
+tiresome, because they made it an employment; with my master I thought no
+more of it, though my sentiments continued the same: I had no companions
+to vitiate my morals: I became idle, careless, and obstinate, but my
+principles were not impaired.
+
+I possessed as much religion, therefore, as a child could be supposed
+capable of acquiring.  Why should I now disguise my thoughts?  I am
+persuaded I had more.  In my childhood, I was not a child; I felt, I
+thought as a man: as I advanced in years, I mingled with the ordinary
+class; in my infancy I was distinguished from it.  I shall doubtless
+incur ridicule by thus modestly holding myself up for a prodigy--I am
+content.  Let those who find themselves disposed to it, laugh their fill;
+afterward, let them find a child that at six years old is delighted,
+interested, affected with romances, even to the shedding floods of tears;
+I shall then feel my ridiculous vanity, and acknowledge myself in an
+error.
+
+Thus when I said we should not converse with children on religion, if we
+wished them ever to possess any; when I asserted they were incapable of
+communion with the Supreme Being, even in our confined degree, I drew my
+conclusions from general observation; I knew they were not applicable to
+particular instances: find J. J. Rousseau of six years old, converse with
+them on religious subjects at seven, and I will be answerable that the
+experiment will be attended with no danger.
+
+It is understood, I believe, that a child, or even a man, is likely to be
+most sincere while persevering in that religion in whose belief he was
+born and educated; we frequently detract from, seldom make any additions
+to it: dogmatical faith is the effect of education.  In addition to this
+general principle which attached me to the religion of my forefathers, I
+had that particular aversion our city entertains for Catholicism, which
+is represented there as the most monstrous idolatry, and whose clergy are
+painted in the blackest colors.  This sentiment was so firmly imprinted
+on my mind, that I never dared to look into their churches--I could not
+bear to meet a priest in his surplice, and never did I hear the bells of
+a procession sound without shuddering with horror; these sensations soon
+wore off in great cities, but frequently returned in country parishes,
+which bore more similarity to the spot where I first experienced them;
+meantime this dislike was singularly contrasted by the remembrance of
+those caresses which priests in the neighborhood of Geneva are fond of
+bestowing on the children of that city.  If the bells of the viaticum
+alarmed me, the chiming for mass or vespers called me to a breakfast, a
+collation, to the pleasure of regaling on fresh butter, fruits, or milk;
+the good cheer of M. de Pontverre had produced a considerable effect on
+me; my former abhorrence began to diminish, and looking on popery through
+the medium of amusement and good living, I easily reconciled myself to
+the idea of enduring, though I never entertained but a very transient and
+distant idea of making a solemn profession of it.
+
+At this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors; I
+shuddered at the engagement I had entered into, and its inevitable
+consequences.  The future neophytes with which I was surrounded were not
+calculated to sustain my courage by their example, and I could not help
+considering the holy work I was about to perform as the action of a
+villain.  Though young, I was sufficiently convinced, that whatever
+religion might be the true one, I was about to sell mine; and even should
+I chance to chose the best, I lied to the Holy Ghost, and merited the
+disdain of every good man.  The more I considered, the more I despised
+myself, and trembled at the fate which had led me into such a
+predicament, as if my present situation had not been of my own seeking.
+There were moments when these compunctions were so strong that had I
+found the door open but for an instant, I should certainly have made my
+escape; but this was impossible, nor was the resolution of any long
+duration, being combated by too many secret motives to stand any chance
+of gaining the victory.
+
+My fixed determination not to return to Geneva, the shame that would
+attend it, the difficulty of repassing the mountains, at a distance from
+my country, without friends, and without resources, everything concurred
+to make me consider my remorse of conscience, as a too late repentance.
+I affected to reproach myself for what I had done, to seek excuses for
+that I intended to do, and by aggravating the errors of the past, looked
+on the future as an inevitable consequence.  I did not say, nothing is
+yet done, and you may be innocent if you please; but I said, tremble at
+the crime thou hast committed, which hath reduced thee to the necessity
+of filling up the measure of thine iniquities.
+
+It required more resolution than was natural to my age to revoke those
+expectations which I had given them reason to entertain, break those
+chains with which I was enthralled, and resolutely declare I would
+continue in the religion of my forefathers, whatever might be the
+consequence.  The affair was already too far advanced, and spite of all
+my efforts they would have made a point of bringing it to a conclusion.
+
+The sophism which ruined me has had a similar affect on the greater part
+of mankind, who lament the want of resolution when the opportunity for
+exercising it is over.  The practice of virtue is only difficult from our
+own negligence; were, we always discreet, we should seldom have occasion
+for any painful exertion of it; we are captivated by desires we might
+readily surmount, give into temptations that might easily be resisted,
+and insensibly get into embarrassing, perilous situations, from which we
+cannot extricate ourselves but with the utmost difficulty; intimidated by
+the effort, we fall into the abyss, saying to the Almighty, why hast thou
+made us such weak creatures?  But, notwithstanding our vain pretexts, He
+replies, by our consciences, I formed ye too weak to get out of the gulf,
+because I gave ye sufficient strength not to have fallen into it.
+
+I was not absolutely resolved to become a Catholic, but, as it was not
+necessary to declare my intentions immediately, I gradually accustomed
+myself to the idea; hoping, meantime, that some unforeseen event would
+extricate me from my embarrassment.  In order to gain time, I resolved to
+make the best defence I possibly could in favor of my own opinion; but my
+vanity soon rendered this resolution unnecessary, for on finding I
+frequently embarrassed those who had the care of my instruction, I wished
+to heighten my triumph by giving them a complete overthrow.  I zealously
+pursued my plan, not without the ridiculous hope of being able to convert
+my convertors; for I was simple enough to believe, that could I convince
+them of their errors, they would become Protestants; they did not find,
+therefore, that facility in the work which they had expected, as I
+differed both in regard to will and knowledge from the opinion they had
+entertained of me.
+
+Protestants, in general, are better instructed in the principles of their
+religion than Catholics; the reason is obvious; the doctrine of the
+former requires discussion, of the latter a blind submission; the
+Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others, the
+Protestant must learn to decide for himself; they were not ignorant of
+this, but neither my age nor appearance promised much difficulty to men
+so accustomed to disputation.  They knew, likewise, that I had not
+received my first communion, nor the instructions which accompany it;
+but, on the other hand, they had no idea of the information I received at
+M. Lambercier's, or that I had learned the history of the church and
+empire almost by heart at my father's; and though (since that time,
+nearly forgot, when warmed by the dispute, very unfortunately for these
+gentlemen), it again returned to my memory.
+
+A little old priest, but tolerably venerable, held the first conference;
+at which we were all convened.  On the part of my comrades, it was rather
+a catechism than a controversy, and he found more pains in giving them
+instruction than answering their objections; but when it came to my turn,
+it was a different matter; I stopped him at every article, and did not
+spare a single remark that I thought would create a difficulty: this
+rendered the conference long and extremely tiresome to the assistants.
+My old priest talked a great deal, was very warm, frequently rambled from
+the subject, and extricated himself from difficulties by saying he was
+not sufficiently versed in the French language.
+
+The next day, lest my indiscreet objections should injure the minds of
+those who were better disposed, I was led into a separate chamber and put
+under the care of a younger priest, a fine speaker; that is, one who was
+fond of long perplexed sentences, and proud of his own abilities, if ever
+doctor was.  I did not, however, suffer myself to be intimidated by his
+overbearing looks: and being sensible that I could maintain my ground, I
+combated his assertions, exposed his mistakes, and laid about me in the
+best manner I was able.  He thought to silence me at once with St.
+Augustine, St. Gregory, and the rest of the fathers, but found, to his
+ineffable surprise, that I could handle these almost as dexterously as
+himself; not that I had ever read them, or he either, perhaps, but I
+retained a number of passages taken from my Le Sueur, and when he bore
+hard on me with one citation, without standing to dispute, I parried it
+with another, which method embarrassed him extremely.  At length,
+however, he got the better of me for two very potent reasons; in the
+first place, he was of the strongest side; young as I was, I thought it
+might be dangerous to drive him to extremities, for I plainly saw the old
+priest was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition.  In the next
+place, he had studied, I had not; this gave a degree of method to his
+arguments which I could not follow; and whenever he found himself pressed
+by an unforeseen objection he put it off to the next conference,
+pretending I rambled from the question in dispute.  Sometimes he even
+rejected all my quotations, maintaining they were false, and, offering to
+fetch the book, defied me to find them.  He knew he ran very little risk,
+and that, with all my borrowed learning, I was not sufficiently
+accustomed to books, and too poor a Latinist to find a passage in a large
+volume, had I been ever so well assured it was there.  I even suspected
+him of having been guilty of a perfidy with which he accused our
+ministers, and that he fabricated passages sometimes in order to evade an
+objection that incommoded him.
+
+Meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me, and
+seeing but one way to get out of it, I endeavored to hasten my abjuration
+with as much eagerness as I had hitherto sought to retard it.
+
+The two Africans had been baptised with great ceremony, they were habited
+in white from head to foot to signify the purity of their regenerated
+souls.  My turn came a month after; for all this time was thought
+necessary by my directors, that they might have the honor of a difficult
+conversion, and every dogma of their faith was recapitulated, in order to
+triumph the more completely over my new docility.
+
+At length, sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my
+masters, I was led in procession to the metropolitan church of St. John,
+to make a solemn abjuration, and undergo a ceremony made use of on these
+occasions, which, though not baptism, is very similar, and serves to
+persuade the people that Protestants are not Christians.  I was clothed
+in a kind of gray robe, decorated with white Brandenburgs.  Two men, one
+behind, the other before me, carried copper basins which they kept
+striking with a key, and in which those who were charitably disposed put
+their alms, according as they found themselves influenced by religion or
+good will for the new convert; in a word, nothing of Catholic pageantry
+was omitted that could render the solemnity edifying to the populace, or
+humiliating to me.  The white dress might have been serviceable, but as I
+had not the honor to be either Moor or Jew, they did not think fit to
+compliment me with it.
+
+The affair did not end here, I must now go to the Inquisition to be
+absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy, and return to the bosom of the
+church with the same ceremony to which Henry the Fourth was subjected by
+his ambassador.  The air and manner of the right reverend Father
+Inquisitor was by no means calculated to dissipate the secret horror that
+seized my spirits on entering this holy mansion.  After several questions
+relative to my faith, situation, and family, he asked me bluntly if my
+mother was damned?  Terror repressed the first gust of indignation; this
+gave me time to recollect myself, and I answered, I hope not, for God
+might have enlightened her last moments.  The monk made no reply, but his
+silence was attended with a look by no means expressive of approbation.
+
+All these ceremonies ended, the very moment I flattered myself I should
+be plentifully provided for, they exhorted me to continue a good
+Christian, and live in obedience to the grace I had received; then
+wishing me good fortune, with rather more than twenty francs of small
+money in my pocket, the produce of the above--mentioned collection,
+turned me out, shut the door on me, and I saw no more of them!
+
+Thus, in a moment, all my flattering expectations were at an end; and
+nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance of
+having been made both a dupe and an apostate.  It is easy to imagine what
+a sudden revolution was produced in my ideas, when every brilliant
+expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing myself plunged
+in the completest misery.  In the morning I was deliberating what palace
+I should inhabit, before night I was reduced to seek my lodging in the
+street.  It may be supposed that I gave myself up to the most violent
+transports of despair, rendered more bitter by a consciousness that my
+own folly had reduced me to these extremities; but the truth is, I
+experienced none of these disagreeable sensations.  I had passed two
+months in absolute confinement; this was new to me; I was now
+emancipated, and the sentiment I felt most forcibly, was joy at my
+recovered liberty.  After a slavery which had appeared tedious, I was
+again master of my time and actions, in a great city, abundant in
+resources, crowded with people of fortune, to whom my merit and talents
+could not fail to recommend me.  I had sufficient time before me to
+expect this good fortune, for my twenty livres seemed an inexhaustible
+treasure, which I might dispose of without rendering an account of to
+anyone.  It was the first time I had found myself so rich, and far from
+giving way to melancholy reflections, I only adopted other hopes, in
+which self-love was by no means a loser.  Never did I feel so great a
+degree of confidence and security; I looked on my fortune as already made
+and was pleased to think I should have no one but myself to thank for the
+acquisition of it.
+
+The first thing I did was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all over
+the city, and I seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my liberty; I
+went to see the soldiers mount guard, and was delighted with their
+military accouterment; I followed processions, and was pleased with the
+solemn music of the priests; I next went to see the king's palace, which
+I approached with awe, but seeing others enter, I followed their example,
+and no one prevented me; perhaps I owed this favor to the small parcel I
+carried under my arm; be that as it may, I conceived a high opinion of my
+consequence from this circumstance, and already thought myself an
+inhabitant there.  The weather was hot; I had walked about till I was
+both fatigued and hungry; wishing for some refreshment, I went into a
+milk-house; they brought me some cream-cheese curds and whey, and two
+slices of that excellent Piedmont bread, which I prefer to any other; and
+for five or six sous I had one of the most delicious meals I ever
+recollect to have made.
+
+It was time to seek a lodging: as I already knew enough of the
+Piedmontese language to make myself understood, this was a work of no
+great difficulty; and I had so much prudence, that I wished to adapt it
+rather to the state of my purse than the bent of my inclinations.  In the
+course of my inquiries, I was informed that a soldier's wife, in
+Po-street, furnished lodgings to servants out of place at only one sou a
+night, and finding one of her poor beds disengaged, I took possession of
+it.  She was young and newly married, though she already had five or six
+children.  Mother, children and lodgers, all slept in the same chamber,
+and it continued thus while I remained there.  She was good-natured,
+swore like a carman, and wore neither cap nor handkerchief; but she had a
+gentle heart, was officious; and to me both kind and serviceable.
+
+For several days I gave myself up to the pleasures of independence and
+curiosity; I continued wandering about the city and its environs,
+examining every object that seemed curious or new; and, indeed, most
+things had that appearance to a young novice.  I never omitted visiting
+the court, and assisted regularly every morning at the king's mass.
+I thought it a great honor to be in the same chapel with this prince
+and his retinue; but my passion for music, which now began to make its
+appearance, was a greater incentive than the splendor of the court,
+which, soon seen and always the same, presently lost its attraction.
+The King of Sardinia had at that time the best music in Europe; Somis,
+Desjardins, and the Bezuzzi shone there alternately; all these were not
+necessary to fascinate a youth whom the sound of the most simple
+instrument, provided it was just, transported with joy.  Magnificence
+only produced a stupid admiration, without any violent desire to partake
+of it, my thoughts were principally employed in observing whether any
+young princess was present that merited my homage, and whom I could make
+the heroine of a romance.
+
+Meantime, I was on the point of beginning one; in a less elevated sphere,
+it is true, but where could I have brought it to a conclusion, I should
+have found pleasures a thousand times more delicious.
+
+Though I lived with the strictest economy, my purse insensibly grew
+lighter.  This economy was, however, less the effect of prudence than
+that love of simplicity, which, even to this day, the use of the most
+expensive tables has not been able to vitiate.  Nothing in my idea,
+either at that time or since, could exceed a rustic repast; give me milk,
+vegetables, eggs, and brown bread, with tolerable wine and I shall always
+think myself sumptuously regaled; a good appetite will furnish out the
+rest, if the maitre d' hotel, with a number of unnecessary footmen, do
+not satiate me with their important attentions.  Five or six sous would
+then procure me a more agreeable meal than as many livres would have done
+since; I was abstemious, therefore, for want of a temptation to be
+otherwise: though I do not know but I am wrong to call this abstinence,
+for with my pears, new cheese, bread and some glasses of Montferrat wine,
+which you might have cut with a knife, I was the greatest of epicures.
+Notwithstanding my expenses were very moderate, it was possible to see
+the end of twenty livres; I was every day more convinced of this, and,
+spite of the giddiness of youth, my apprehensions for the future amounted
+almost to terror.  All my castles in the air were vanished, and I became
+sensible of the necessity of seeking some occupation that would procure
+me a subsistence.
+
+Even this was a work of difficulty; I thought of my engraving, but knew
+too little of it to be employed as a journeyman, nor do masters abound in
+Turin; I resolved, therefore, till something better presented itself, to
+go from shop to shop, offering to engrave ciphers, or coats of arms, on
+pieces of plate, etc., and hoped to get employment by working at a low
+price; or taking what they chose to give me.  Even this expedient did not
+answer my expectations; almost all my applications were ineffectual, the
+little I procured being hardly sufficient to produce a few scanty meals.
+
+Walking one morning pretty early in the 'Contra nova', I saw a young
+tradeswoman behind a counter, whose looks were so charmingly attractive,
+that, notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies, I entered the shop
+without hesitation, offered my services as usual: and had the happiness
+to have it accepted.  She made me sit down and recite my little history,
+pitied my forlorn situation; bade me be cheerful, and endeavored to make
+me so by an assurance that every good Christian would give me assistance;
+then (while she had occasion for) she went up stairs and fetched me
+something for breakfast.  This seemed a promising beginning, nor was what
+followed less flattering: she was satisfied with my work, and, when I had
+a little recovered myself, still more with my discourse.  She was rather
+elegantly dressed and notwithstanding her gentle looks this appearance of
+gayety had disconcerted me; but her good-nature, the compassionate tone
+of her voice, with her gentle and caressing manner, soon set me at ease
+with myself; I saw my endeavors to please were crowned with success, and
+this assurance made me succeed the more.  Though an Italian, and too
+pretty to be entirely devoid of coquetry, she had so much modesty, and I
+so great a share of timidity, that our adventure was not likely to be
+brought to a very speedy conclusion, nor did they give us time to make
+any good of it.  I cannot recall the few short moments I passed with this
+lovely woman without being sensible of an inexpressible charm, and can
+yet say, it was there I tasted in their utmost perfection the most
+delightful, as well as the purest pleasures of love.
+
+She was a lively pleasing brunette, and the good nature that was painted
+on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting.  She was
+called Madam Basile: her husband, who was considerably older than
+herself, consigned her, during his absence, to the care of a clerk, too
+disagreeable to be thought dangerous; but who, notwithstanding, had
+pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of, except of ill--humors, a
+good share of which he bestowed on me; though I was pleased to hear him
+play the flute, on which he was a tolerable musician.  This second
+Egistus was sure to grumble whenever he saw me go into his mistress'
+apartment, treating me with a degree of disdain which she took care to
+repay him with interest; seeming pleased to caress me in his presence,
+on purpose to torment him.  This kind of revenge, though perfectly to my
+taste, would have been still more charming in a 'tete a tete', but she
+did not proceed so far; at least, there was a difference in the
+expression of her kindness.  Whether she thought me too young, that it
+was my place to make advances, or that she was seriously resolved to be
+virtuous, she had at such times a kind of reserve, which, though not
+absolutely discouraging, kept my passion within bounds.
+
+I did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as I did for
+Madam de Warrens: I was embarrassed, agitated, feared to look, and hardly
+dared to breathe in her presence, yet to have left her would have been
+worse than death: How fondly did my eyes devour whatever they could gaze
+on without being perceived! the flowers on her gown, the point of her
+pretty foot, the interval of a round white arm that appeared between her
+glove and ruffle, the least part of her neck, each object increased the
+force of all the rest, and added to the infatuation.  Gazing thus on what
+was to be seen, and even more than was to be seen, my sight became
+confused, my chest seemed contracted, respiration was every moment more
+painful.  I had the utmost difficulty to hide my agitation, to prevent my
+sighs from being heard, and this difficulty was increased by the silence
+in which we were frequently plunged.  Happily, Madam Basile, busy at her
+work, saw nothing of all this, or seemed not to see it: yet I sometimes
+observed a kind of sympathy, especially at the frequent rising of her
+handkerchief, and this dangerous sight almost mastered every effort, but
+when on the point of giving way to my transports, she spoke a few words
+to me with an air of tranquility, and in an instant the agitation
+subsided.
+
+I saw her several times in this manner without a word, a gesture, or even
+a look, too expressive, making the least intelligence between us.  The
+situation was both my torment and delight, for hardly in the simplicity
+of my heart, could I imagine the cause of my uneasiness.  I should
+suppose these 'tete a tete' could not be displeasing to her, at least,
+she sought frequent occasions to renew them; this was a very
+disinterested labor, certainly, as appeared by the use she made, or ever
+suffered me to make of them.
+
+Being, one day, wearied with the clerk's discourse, she had retired to
+her chamber; I made haste to finish what I had to do in the back shop,
+and followed her; the door was half open, and I entered without being
+perceived.  She was embroidering near a window on the opposite side of
+the room; she could not see me; and the carts in the streets made too
+much noise for me to be heard.  She was always well dressed, but this day
+her attire bordered on coquetry.  Her attitude was graceful, her head
+leaning gently forward, discovered a small circle of her neck; her hair,
+elegantly dressed was ornamented with flowers; her figure was universally
+charming, and I had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire it.  I was
+absolutely in a state of ecstasy, and, involuntary, sinking on my knees,
+I passionately extended my arms towards her, certain she could not hear,
+and having no conception that she could see me; but there was a chimney
+glass at the end of the room that betrayed all my proceedings.  I am
+ignorant what effect this transport produced on her; she did not speak;
+she did not look on me; but, partly turning her head, with the movement
+of her finger only, she pointed to the mat that was at her feet--To start
+up, with an articulate cry of joy, and occupy the place she had
+indicated, was the work of a moment; but it will hardly be believed I
+dared attempt no more, not even to speak, raise my eyes to hers, or rest
+an instant on her knees, though in an attitude which seemed to render
+such a support necessary.  I was dumb, immovable, but far enough from a
+state of tranquility; agitation, joy, gratitude, ardent indefinite
+wishes, restrained by the fear of giving displeasure, which my
+unpractised heart too much dreaded, were sufficiently discernible.  She
+neither appeared more tranquil, nor less intimidated than myself--uneasy
+at my present situation; confounded at having brought me there, beginning
+to tremble for the effects of a sign which she had made without
+reflecting on the consequences, neither giving encouragement, nor
+expressing disapprobation, with her eyes fixed on her work, she
+endeavored to appear unconscious of everything that passed; but all my
+stupidity could not hinder me from concluding that she partook of my
+embarrassment, perhaps, my transports, and was only hindered by a
+bashfulness like mine, without even that supposition giving me power to
+surmount it.  Five or six years older than myself, every advance,
+according to my idea, should have been made by her, and, since she did
+nothing to encourage mine, I concluded they would offend her.  Even at
+this time, I am inclined to believe I thought right; she certainly had
+wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had occasion, not only for
+encouragement but instruction.
+
+I am ignorant how this animated, though dumb scene would have ended, or
+how long I should have continued immovable in this ridiculous, though
+delicious, situation, had we not been interrupted--in the height of my
+agitation, I heard the kitchen door open, which joined Madam Basile's
+chamber; who, being alarmed, said, with a quick voice and action, "Get
+up!  Here's Rosina!"  Rising hastily I seized one of her hands, which she
+held out to me, and gave it two eager kisses; at the second I felt this
+charming hand press gently on my lips.  Never in my life did I enjoy so
+sweet a moment; but the occasion I had lost returned no more, this being
+the conclusion of our amours.
+
+This may be the reason why her image yet remains imprinted on my heart
+in such charming colors, which have even acquired fresh lustre since I
+became acquainted with the world and women.  Had she been mistress of the
+least degree of experience, she would have taken other measures to
+animate so youthful a lover; but if her heart was weak, it was virtuous;
+and only suffered itself to be borne away by a powerful though
+involuntary inclination.  This was, apparently, her first infidelity, and
+I should, perhaps, have found more difficulty in vanquishing her scruples
+than my own; but, without proceeding so far, I experienced in her company
+the most inexpressible delights.  Never did I taste with any other woman
+pleasures equal to those two minutes which I passed at the feet of Madam
+Basile without even daring to touch her gown.  I am convinced no
+satisfaction can be compared to that we feel with a virtuous woman we
+esteem; all is transport!--A sign with the finger, a hand lightly pressed
+against my lips, were the only favors I ever received from Madam Basile,
+yet the bare remembrance of these trifling condescensions continues to
+transport me.
+
+It was in vain I watched the two following days for another tete a tete;
+it was impossible to find an opportunity; nor could I perceive on her
+part any desire to forward it; her behavior was not colder, but more
+distant than usual, and I believe she avoided my looks for fear of not
+being able sufficiently to govern her own.  The cursed clerk was more
+vexatious than ever; he even became a wit, telling me, with a satirical
+sneer, that I should unquestionably make my way among the ladies.  I
+trembled lest I should have been guilty of some indiscretion, and looking
+at myself as already engaged in an intrigue, endeavored to cover with an
+air of mystery an inclination which hitherto certainly had no great need
+of it; this made me more circumspect in my choice of opportunities, and
+by resolving only to seize such as should be absolutely free from the
+danger of a surprise, I met none.
+
+Another romantic folly, which I could never overcome, and which, joined
+to my natural timidity, tended directly to contradict the clerk's
+predictions, is, I always loved too sincerely, too perfectly, I may say,
+to find happiness easily attainable.  Never were passions at the same
+time more lively and pure than mine; never was love more tender, more
+true, or more disinterested; freely would I have sacrificed my own
+happiness to that of the object of my affection; her reputation was
+dearer than my life, and I could promise myself no happiness for which I
+would have exposed her peace of mind for a moment.  This disposition has
+ever made me employ so much care, use so many precautions, such secrecy
+in my adventures, that all of them have failed; in a word, my want of
+success with the women has ever proceeded from having loved them too
+well.
+
+To return to our Egistus, the fluter; it was remarkable that in becoming
+more insupportable, the traitor put on the appearance of complaisance.
+From the first day Madam Basile had taken me under her protection, she
+had endeavored to make me serviceable in the warehouse; and finding I
+understood arithmetic tolerably well, she proposed his teaching me to
+keep the books; a proposition that was but indifferently received by this
+humorist, who might, perhaps, be fearful of being supplanted.  As this
+failed, my whole employ, besides what engraving I had to do, was to
+transcribe some bills and accounts, to write several books over fair,
+and translate commercial letters from Italian into French.  All at once
+he thought fit to accept the before rejected proposal, saying, he would
+teach me bookkeeping, by double--entry, and put me in a situation to
+offer my services to M. Basile on his return; but there was something so
+false, malicious, and ironical, in his air and manner, that it was by no
+means calculated to inspire me with confidence.  Madam Basile, replied
+archly, that I was much obliged to him for his kind offer, but she hoped
+fortune would be more favorable to my merits, for it would be a great
+misfortune, with so much sense, that I should only be a pitiful clerk.
+
+She often said, she would procure me some acquaintance that might be
+useful; she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me, and had
+prudently resolved on it.  Our mute declaration had been made on
+Thursday, the Sunday following she gave a dinner.  A Jacobin of good
+appearance was among the guests, to whom she did me the honor to present
+me.  The monk treated me very affectionately, congratulated me on my late
+conversion, mentioned several particulars of my story, which plainly
+showed he had been made acquainted with it, then, tapping me familiarly
+on the cheek, bade me be good, to keep up my spirits, and come to see him
+at his convent, where he should have more opportunity to talk with me.
+I judged him to be a person of some consequence by the deference that was
+paid him; and by the paternal tone he assumed with Madam Basile, to be
+her confessor.  I likewise remember that his decent familiarity was
+attended with an appearance of esteem, and even respect for his fair
+penitent, which then made less impression on me than at present.  Had I
+possessed more experience how should I have congratulated myself on
+having touched the heart of a young woman respected by her confessor!
+
+The table not being large enough to accommodate all the company, a small
+one was prepared, where I had the satisfaction of dining with our
+agreeable clerk; but I lost nothing with regard to attention and good
+cheer, for several plates were sent to the side-table which were
+certainly not intended for him.
+
+Thus far all went well; the ladies were in good spirits, and the
+gentlemen very gallant, while Madam Basile did the honors of the table
+with peculiar grace.  In the midst of the dinner we heard a chaise stop
+at the door, and presently some one coming up stairs--it was M. Basile.
+Methinks I now see him entering, in his scarlet coat with gold buttons
+--from that day I have held the color in abhorrence.  M. Basile was a tall
+handsome man, of good address: he entered with a consequential look and
+an air of taking his family unawares, though none but friends were
+present.  His wife ran to meet him, threw her arms about his neck, and
+gave him a thousand caresses, which he received with the utmost
+indifference; and without making any return saluted the company and took
+his place at table.  They were just beginning to speak of his journey,
+when casting his eye on the small table he asked in a sharp tone, what
+lad that was?  Madam Basile answered ingenuously.  He then inquired
+whether I lodged in the house; and was answered in the negative.  "Why
+not?"  replied he, rudely, "since he stays here all day, he might as well
+remain all night too."  The monk now interfered, with a serious and true
+eulogium on Madam Basile: in a few words he made mine also, adding, that
+so far from blaming, he ought to further the pious charity of his wife,
+since it was evident she had not passed the bounds of discretion.  The
+husband answered with an air of petulance, which (restrained by the
+presence of the monk) he endeavored to stifle; it was, however,
+sufficient to let me understand he had already received information of
+me, and that our worthy clerk had rendered me an ill office.
+
+We had hardly risen from table, when the latter came in triumph from his
+employer, to inform me, I must leave the house that instant, and never
+more during my life dare to set foot there.  He took care to aggravate
+this commission by everything that could render it cruel and insulting.
+I departed without a word, my heart overwhelmed with sorrow, less for
+being obliged to quit this amiable woman, than at the thought of leaving
+her to the brutality of such a husband.  He was certainly right to wish
+her faithful; but though prudent and wellborn, she was an Italian, that
+is to say, tender and vindictive; which made me think, he was extremely
+imprudent in using means the most likely in the world to draw on himself
+the very evil he so much dreaded.
+
+Such was the success of my first adventure.  I walked several times up
+and down the street, wishing to get a sight of what my heart incessantly
+regretted; but I could only discover her husband, or the vigilant clerk,
+who, perceiving me, made a sign with the ell they used in the shop, which
+was more expressive than alluring: finding, therefore, that I was so
+completely watched, my courage failed, and I went no more.  I wished,
+at least, to find out the patron she had provided me, but, unfortunately,
+I did not know his name.  I ranged several times round the convent,
+endeavoring in vain to meet with him.  At length, other events banished
+the delightful remembrance of Madam Basile; and in a short time I so far
+forgot her, that I remained as simple, as much a novice as ever, nor did
+my penchant for pretty women even receive any sensible augmentation.
+
+Her liberality had, however, increased my little wardrobe, though she had
+done this with precaution and prudence, regarding neatness more than
+decoration, and to make me comfortable rather than brilliant.  The coat I
+had brought from Geneva was yet wearable, she only added a hat and some
+linen.  I had no ruffles, nor would she give me any, not but I felt a
+great inclination for them.  She was satisfied with having put it in my
+power to keep myself clean, though a charge to do this was unnecessary
+while I was to appear before her.
+
+A few days after this catastrophe; my hostess, who, as I have already
+observed, was very friendly, with great satisfaction informed me she had
+heard of a situation, and that a lady of rank desired to see me.  I
+immediately thought myself in the road to great adventures; that being
+the point to which all my ideas tended: this, however, did not prove so
+brilliant as I had conceived it.  I waited on the lady with the servant;
+who had mentioned me: she asked a number of questions, and my answers not
+displeasing her, I immediately entered into her service not, indeed, in
+the quality of favorite, but as a footman.  I was clothed like the rest
+of her people, the only difference being, they wore a shoulder--knot,
+which I had not, and, as there was no lace on her livery, it appeared
+merely a tradesman's suit.  This was the unforeseen conclusion of all my
+great expectancies!
+
+The Countess of Vercellis, with whom I now lived, was a widow without
+children; her husband was a Piedmontese, but I always believed her to be
+a Savoyard, as I could have no conception that a native of Piedmont could
+speak such good French, and with so pure an accent.  She was a
+middle-aged woman, of a noble appearance and cultivated understanding,
+being fond of French literature, in which she was well versed.  Her
+letters had the expression, and almost the elegance of Madam de
+Savigne's; some of them might have been taken for hers.  My principal
+employ, which was by no means displeasing to me, was to write from her
+dictating; a cancer in the breast, from which she suffered extremely,
+not permitting her to write herself.
+
+Madam de Vercellis not only possessed a good understanding, but a strong
+and elevated soul.  I was with her during her last illness, and saw her
+suffer and die, without showing an instant of weakness, or the least
+effort of constraint; still retaining her feminine manners, without
+entertaining an idea that such fortitude gave her any claim to
+philosophy; a word which was not yet in fashion, nor comprehended by her
+in the sense it is held at present.  This strength of disposition
+sometimes extended almost to apathy, ever appearing to feel as little for
+others as herself; and when she relieved the unfortunate, it was rather
+for the sake of acting right, than from a principle of real
+commiseration.  I have frequently experienced this insensibility, in some
+measure, during the three months I remained with her.  It would have been
+natural to have had an esteem for a young man of some abilities, who was
+incessantly under her observation, and that she should think, as she felt
+her dissolution approaching, that after her death he would have occasion
+for assistance and support: but whether she judged me unworthy of
+particular attention, or that those who narrowly watched all her motions,
+gave her no opportunity to think of any but themselves, she did nothing
+for me.
+
+I very well recollect that she showed some curiosity to know my story,
+frequently questioning me, and appearing pleased when I showed her the
+letters I wrote to Madam de Warrens, or explained my sentiments; but as
+she never discovered her own, she certainly did not take the right means
+to come at them.  My heart, naturally communicative, loved to display its
+feelings, whenever I encountered a similar disposition; but dry, cold
+interrogatories, without any sign of blame or approbation on my answers,
+gave me no confidence.  Not being able to determine whether my discourse
+was agreeable or displeasing, I was ever in fear, and thought less of
+expressing my ideas, than of being careful not to say anything that might
+seem to my disadvantage.  I have since remarked that this dry method of
+questioning themselves into people's characters is a common trick among
+women who pride themselves on superior understanding.  These imagine,
+that by concealing their own sentiments, they shall the more easily
+penetrate into those of others; being ignorant that this method destroys
+the confidence so necessary to make us reveal them.  A man, on being
+questioned, is immediately on his guard: and if once he supposes that,
+without any interest in his concerns, you only wish to set him a-talking,
+either he entertains you with lies, is silent, or, examining every word
+before he utters it, rather chooses to pass for a fool, than to be the
+dupe of your curiosity.  In short, it is ever a bad method to attempt to
+read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own.
+
+Madam de Vercellis never addressed a word to me which seemed to express
+affection, pity, or benevolence.  She interrogated me coldly, and my
+answers were uttered with so much timidity, that she doubtless
+entertained but a mean opinion of my intellects, for latterly she never
+asked me any questions, nor said anything but what was absolutely
+necessary for her service.  She drew her judgment less from what I really
+was, than from what she had made me, and by considering me as a footman
+prevented my appearing otherwise.
+
+I am inclined to think I suffered at that time by the same interested
+game of concealed manoeuvre, which has counteracted me throughout my
+life, and given me a very natural aversion for everything that has the
+least appearance of it.  Madam de Vercellis having no children, her
+nephew, the Count de la Roque, was her heir, and paid his court
+assiduously, as did her principal domestics, who, seeing her end
+approaching, endeavored to take care of themselves; in short, so many
+were busy about her, that she could hardly have found time to think of
+me.  At the head of her household was a M. Lorenzy, an artful genius,
+with a still more artful wife; who had so far insinuated herself into the
+good graces of her mistress, that she was rather on the footing of a
+friend than a servant.  She had introduced a niece of hers as lady's
+maid: her name was Mademoiselle Pontal; a cunning gypsy, that gave
+herself all the airs of a waiting-woman, and assisted her aunt so well in
+besetting the countess, that she only saw with their eyes, and acted
+through their hands.  I had not the happiness to please this worthy
+triumvirate; I obeyed, but did not wait on them, not conceiving that my
+duty to our general mistress required me to be a servant to her servants.
+Besides this, I was a person that gave them some inquietude; they saw I
+was not in my proper situation, and feared the countess would discover it
+likewise, and by placing me in it, decrease their portions; for such sort
+of people, too greedy to be just, look on every legacy given to others as
+a diminution of their own wealth; they endeavored, therefore, to keep me
+as much out of her sight as possible.  She loved to write letters, in her
+situation, but they contrived to give her a distaste to it; persuading
+her, by the aid of the doctor, that it was too fatiguing; and, under
+pretence that I did not understand how to wait on her, they employed two
+great lubberly chairmen for that purpose; in a word, they managed the
+affair so well, that for eight days before she made her will, I had not
+been permitted to enter the chamber.  Afterwards I went in as usual, and
+was even more assiduous than any one, being afflicted at the sufferings
+of the unhappy lady, whom I truly respected and beloved for the calmness
+and fortitude with which she bore her illness, and often did I shed tears
+of real sorrow without being perceived by any one.
+
+At length we lost her--I saw her expire.  She had lived like a woman of
+sense and virtue, her death was that of a philosopher.  I can truly say,
+she rendered the Catholic religion amiable to me by the serenity with
+which she fulfilled its dictates, without any mixture of negligence or
+affectation.  She was naturally serious, but towards the end of her
+illness she possessed a kind of gayety, too regular to be assumed, which
+served as a counterpoise to the melancholy of her situation.  She only
+kept her bed two days, continuing to discourse cheerfully with those
+about her to the very last.
+
+She had bequeathed a year's wages to all the under servants, but, not
+being on the household list, I had nothing: the Count de la Roque,
+however, ordered me thirty livres, and the new coat I had on, which M.
+Lorenzy would certainly have taken from me.  He even promised to procure
+me a place; giving me permission to wait on him as often as I pleased.
+Accordingly, I went two or three times, without being able to speak to
+him, and as I was easily repulsed, returned no more; whether I did wrong
+will be seen hereafter.
+
+Would I had finished what I have to say of my living at Madam de
+Vercellis's.  Though my situation apparently remained the same, I did not
+leave her house as I had entered it: I carried with me the long and
+painful remembrance of a crime; an insupportable weight of remorse which
+yet hangs on my conscience, and whose bitter recollection, far from
+weakening, during a period of forty years, seems to gather strength as I
+grow old.  Who would believe, that a childish fault should be productive
+of such melancholy consequences?  But it is for the more than probable
+effects that my heart cannot be consoled.  I have, perhaps, caused an
+amiable, honest, estimable girl, who surely merited a better fate than
+myself, to perish with shame and misery.
+
+Though it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without confusion,
+and the loss of some property; yet such was the fidelity of the
+domestics, and the vigilance of M. and Madam Lorenzy, that no article of
+the inventory was found wanting; in short, nothing was missing but a pink
+and silver ribbon, which had been worn, and belonged to Mademoiselle
+Pontal.  Though several things of more value were in my reach, this
+ribbon alone tempted me, and accordingly I stole it.  As I took no great
+pains to conceal the bauble, it was soon discovered; they immediately
+insisted on knowing from whence I had taken it; this perplexed me--I
+hesitated, and at length said, with confusion, that Marion gave it me.
+
+Marion was a young Mauriennese, and had been cook to Madam de Vercellis
+ever since she left off giving entertainments, for being sensible she had
+more need of good broths than fine ragouts, she had discharged her former
+one.  Marion was not only pretty, but had that freshness of color only to
+be found among the mountains, and, above all, an air of modesty and
+sweetness, which made it impossible to see her without affection; she was
+besides a good girl, virtuous, and of such strict fidelity, that everyone
+was surprised at hearing her named.  They had not less confidence in me,
+and judged it necessary to certify which of us was the thief.  Marion was
+sent for; a great number of people were present, among whom was the Count
+de la Roque: she arrives; they show her the ribbon; I accuse her boldly:
+she remains confused and speechless, casting a look on me that would have
+disarmed a demon, but which my barbarous heart resisted.  At length, she
+denied it with firmness, but without anger, exhorting me to return to
+myself, and not injure an innocent girl who had never wronged me.  With
+infernal impudence, I confirmed my accusation, and to her face maintained
+she had given me the ribbon: on which, the poor girl, bursting into
+tears, said these words--"Ah, Rousseau!  I thought you a good
+disposition--you render me very unhappy, but I would not be in your
+situation."  She continued to defend herself with as much innocence as
+firmness, but without uttering the least invective against me.  Her
+moderation, compared to my positive tone, did her an injury; as it did
+not appear natural to suppose, on one side such diabolical assurance; on
+the other, such angelic mildness.  The affair could not be absolutely
+decided, but the presumption was in my favor; and the Count de la Roque,
+in sending us both away, contented himself with saying, "The conscience
+of the guilty would revenge the innocent."  His prediction was true, and
+is being daily verified.
+
+I am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny, but there is
+little probability of her having been able to place herself agreeably
+after this, as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in
+every respect.  The theft was a trifle, yet it was a theft, and, what was
+worse, employed to seduce a boy; while the lie and obstinacy left nothing
+to hope from a person in whom so many vices were united.  I do not even
+look on the misery and disgrace in which I plunged her as the greatest
+evil: who knows, at her age, whither contempt and disregarded innocence
+might have led her?--Alas! if remorse for having made her unhappy is
+insupportable, what must I have suffered at the thought of rendering her
+even worse than myself.  The cruel remembrance of this transaction,
+sometimes so troubles and disorders me, that, in my disturbed slumbers,
+I imagine I see this poor girl enter and reproach me with my crime,
+as though I had committed it but yesterday.  While in easy tranquil
+circumstances, I was less miserable on this account, but, during a
+troubled agitated life, it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of
+persecuted innocence, and made me wofully experience, what, I think, I
+have remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps in the calm
+sunshine of prosperity, but wakes amid the storms of adversity.  I could
+never take on me to discharge my heart of this weight in the bosom of a
+friend; nor could the closest intimacy ever encourage me to it, even with
+Madam de Warrens: all I could do, was to own I had to accuse myself of an
+atrocious crime, but never said in what it consisted.  The weight,
+therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to this day; and I can
+truly own the desire of relieving myself, in some measure, from it,
+contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my Confessions.
+
+I have proceeded truly in that I have just made, and it will certainly be
+thought I have not sought to palliate the turpitude of my offence; but I
+should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking, did I not, at the
+same time, divulge my interior disposition, and excuse myself as far as
+is conformable with truth.
+
+Never was wickedness further from my thoughts, than in that cruel moment;
+and when I accused the unhappy girl, it is strange, but strictly true,
+that my friendship for her was the immediate cause of it.  She was
+present to my thoughts; I formed my excuse from the first object that
+presented itself: I accused her with doing what I meant to have done,
+and as I designed to have given her the ribbon, asserted she had given
+it to me.  When she appeared, my heart was agonized, but the presence
+of so many people was more powerful than my compunction.  I did not fear
+punishment, but I dreaded shame: I dreaded it more than death, more than
+the crime, more than all the world.  I would have buried, hid myself in
+the centre of the earth: invincible shame bore down every other
+sentiment; shame alone caused all my impudence, and in proportion as I
+became criminal, the fear of discovery rendered me intrepid.  I felt no
+dread but that of being detected, of being publicly, and to my face,
+declared a thief, liar, and calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this
+overcame every other sensation.  Had I been left to myself, I should
+infallibly have declared the truth.  Or if M. de la Rogue had taken me
+aside, and said--"Do not injure this poor girl; if you are guilty own
+it,"--I am convinced I should instantly have thrown myself at his feet;
+but they intimidated, instead of encouraging me.  I was hardly out of my
+childhood, or rather, was yet in it.  It is also just to make some
+allowance for my age.  In youth, dark, premeditated villainy is more
+criminal than in a riper age, but weaknesses are much less so; my fault
+was truly nothing more; and I am less afflicted at the deed itself than
+for its consequences.  It had one good effect, however, in preserving me
+through the rest of my life from any criminal action, from the terrible
+impression that has remained from the only one I ever committed; and I
+think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great measure from regret at
+having been guilty of so black a one.  If it is a crime that can be
+expiated, as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness and honor on
+various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes that have
+overwhelmed my latter years, may have completed it.  Poor Marion has
+found so many avengers in this world, that however great my offence
+towards her, I do not fear to bear the guilt with me.  Thus have I
+disclosed what I had to say on this painful subject; may I be permitted
+never to mention it again.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau,
+Book II., by Jean Jacques Rousseau
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUSSEAU ***
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