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diff --git a/38824.txt b/38824.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1642fb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/38824.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2176 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +June 14, 1916, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 14, 1916 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 10, 2012 [EBook #38824] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + * * * * * + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 150 + +JUNE 14, 1916 + + * * * * * + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The German IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR'S Reichstag speech with regard to the +Battle of Jutland was, according to _The Daily Mail_, delivered with +"an eye on Washington." Not GEORGE, of course. + + * * * + +According to the German official announcement, the sinking of the +_Luetzow_ was concealed for "military reasons." It is only reasonable +to assume that other and larger prevarications concerning the North +Sea battle may be ascribed to "naval reasons." + + * * * + +A remarkable omission from the German account of the Naval battle off +Jutland is observed. There is no mention of the destruction of H.M.S. +_Blockade_. + + * * * + +According to the Croydon Public Library Committee, "readers are +turning to Thackeray, Dickens, George Eliot and Jane Austen for relief +from war worry." This authoritative statement will come as a great +shock to Mr. BALFOUR, who appears to have been under the impression +that WINSTON CHURCHILL was the popular author of the moment. + + * * * + +Under the heading, "Fish-shaped Zeppelin," _The Daily Mail_, quoting +the Zurich correspondent of the _Nieuwe Courant_, describes a monster +supposed to have been recently launched by the Germans, which fires +an aerial torpedo weighing 420 lbs. a distance of nine miles. We +ourselves would have preferred the heading, "Fish-shaped Story." + + * * * + +An A.B., fresh from the Naval fight, had read a statement in the Press +that the KAISER had given three Hochs! for his Navy. "Well, I don't +give a Dam for it!" said the British tar. + + * * * + +The President of the Republic of San Domingo has resigned, "to save +the State from armed American intervention." We fear that somebody has +been pulling the gentleman's leg. + + * * * + +_The Pall Mall Gazette_ on the Jumble Sale at the Caledonian Market: +"But there were bargains for everybody, whether it was an elephant or +a daintily bejewelled carrier, a Paris hat or a three-year-old, or a +motor-car, or an elephant." One of the lady helpers, discovering at +the last moment that she had a duplicate elephant, appears to have +brought it along just in time to catch our contemporary before it went +to press. + + * * * + +In connection with the occupation of Fort Rupel by the Bulgarians it +is announced that General SARRAIL is taking the "necessary steps." Yet +we cannot be blind to the fact that it would have been better to have +forestalled the enemy and taken the necessary front-door. + + * * * + +At a meeting of the Church Reading Union at Sion College, Sir FRANCIS +FOX, J.P., said that a boy who was arrested for setting fire to a +church had told him that he "had seen it on the cinematograph." This +statement has drawn a spirited protest from a number of our leading +film manufacturers, who point out that the thing could not possibly +have happened, as in all their dramas they have always made it a rule +never to burn anything less expensive than a cathedral. + + * * * + +An advertisement from _The Times:_ "Very stout gentleman, ineligible +Army, requires permanent engagement to act for Cinema. Had some +experience in comedy pictures; fatter than any other movey actor; +weight 22 stone; exceptional opportunity for British producers, but +willing go abroad." What about an exchange, on a weight basis, with +America, who might send us Sir HERBERT TREE and CHARLIE CHAPLIN? + + * * * + +At the Bow County Court a man who was questioned regarding his +occupation said that he was a tinsmith, a carrier, a job-buyer, +a milkman and a general dealer; that he was training about +120 carrier-pigeons for the Government and also did a bit of +prize-fighting. There the matter seems to have ended, but one cannot +help thinking that a really expert cross-examiner would not have let +him go without finding out what he did in his spare time. + + * * * + +Reports from all the agricultural districts refer in glowing terms to +the cheerful manner in which women workers on the farms are carrying +on their duties. We are, however, informed that in one district a +woman voluntary worker was heard to express the opinion that she +would be more keen upon her part of the work if the ground were not so +horribly far down. + + * * * + +The popularity of police passes is due to the fact that they can often +be kept and used as a testimonial to character. Thus a well-known +Irishman of county family, on applying for a pass to England, received +the following: "Mr. ---- is known to all the police of the county, and +they consider him a fit man to leave Ireland." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Member of the Royal Flying Corps (first day out of +hospital)._ "SPEED UP, MAN--SPEED UP!"] + + * * * * * + +The Decline of Chivalry. + + "The Minister for Lands, the Minister for Agriculture, and the + Under-Secretary for Agriculture paid a visit to the old Zoo + at Moore Park, and decided to adopt the suggestion that it be + utilised as a horticultural college for women students. It is + expected the animals will take up their new quarters by July + next."--_Australian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +Headline to an account of German outrages in the Baltic:-- + + "HENS ANNOYING SWEDES." + + _Rand Daily Mail._ + +This quite takes us back to the LLOYD GEORGE of the old days. + + * * * * * + + "SWEET maid (experienced) for restaurant." + + _Scottish Paper._ + + +We hope she knows her KINGSLEY:--"Be good, sweet maid." + + * * * * * + +A New Gas Attack? + + "With whatever object, offensive or defensive, the German + General Staff is concentrating all EGGS SEVENPENCE EACH." + + _Glasgow Evening Times._ + + + * * * * * + + "Kind Motherly Person wanted urgently to mind baby girl during + day; easy distance from Reservoir:."--_Auckland Star._ + +So, if the child becomes too troublesome---- + + * * * * * + +To the Memory + +of + +Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener. + +BORN JUNE 24TH, 1850. + +DIED ON SERVICE JUNE 5TH, 1916. + + Soldier of England, you who served her well + And in that service, silent and apart, + Achieved a name that never lost its spell + Over your country's heart;-- + + Who saw your work accomplished ere at length + Shadows of evening fell, and creeping Time + Had bent your stature or resolved the strength + That kept its manhood's prime;-- + + Great was your life, and great the end you made, + As through the plunging seas that whelmed your head + Your spirit passed, unconquered, unafraid, + To join the gallant dead. + + But not by death that spell could pass away + That fixed our gaze upon the far-off goal, + Who, by your magic, stand in arms to-day + A nation one and whole, + + Now doubly pledged to bring your vision true + Of darkness vanquished and the dawn set free + In that full triumph which your faith foreknew + But might not live to see. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_HERR VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and FRAU VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG._) + +_She._ You are late again, Theobald. How often must I---- + +_He._ Oh, please do not worry me, my dear Martha. After what I have +been forced to go through it is a wonder that I am here at all. + +_She._ What--have you been seeing _him_ again? I thought he was away +with one of the armies and you would be having a holiday. + +_He._ So did I think; but it was not to be. Holiday, indeed! When do I +ever get even a moment in which to think my own thoughts? + +_She._ At any rate I hope he acknowledged what Germany owes to you. +Where would he have been, I wonder, if it had not been for your +constant devotion to his service throughout this terrible time? Does +he realise what that has meant for him and his? + +_He._ Kaisers never realise anything. That's my experience of one of +them, at any rate. If you flatter them they smile on you and take all +the credit of your work. But I am not cut out of that sort of wood, +and the result is that he looks at me as if he had bitten into a lemon +by mistake. You know that look, don't you? + +_She._ Yes, my poor Theobald, I know that look. It makes everything +black and uncomfortable. But if he is like that and does not consider +your feelings, why do you continue to serve him? You should assert +yourself, and if he does not improve you should send in your +resignation. After all there are better things in the world than to be +Chancellor to a man who does not appreciate your work. + +_He._ Of course I have thought of that, but I have put the idea aside. +If I were to resign now it would only give joy to my enemies, and they +are the last people in the world to whom I wish to give joy. He +won't get rid of me just yet, for he finds me too useful as a +lightning-conductor. Still, I know that some day he'll give me a push +by sending me a letter condoling with me on the state of my health, +and then good-bye to the office of Chancellor. + +_She._ And, for my part, Theobald, I hope that time will come soon, +though I shudder to think what will become of the country when you go. +However, we won't talk of that any more. Tell me rather what he has +been saying to you to-day. + +_He._ Oh, to-day he was displeased with my speech in the Reichstag. + +_She._ Displeased with that beautiful speech so sun-clear and +patriotic! Why, the man must be mad. Never in all my life have I read +anything so patriotic and convincing. What _does_ he complain of? + +_He._ What does he not complain of? First, he is angry that I defend +myself against attacks made in an anonymous pamphlet. + +_She._ Then I am sure he wrote it himself or inspired it. + +_He._ I have not the evidence to prove that, but it is, of course, +possible. It would be just like him to play me a trick like that. +But what chiefly provoked his anger was what I said about the naval +battle. + +_She._ Yes, I remember you said that England was not thereby defeated. +If you will pardon me, Theobald, I myself thought that this was a rash +statement. + +_He._ So you're going to turn against me too, are you? It was a true +statement, whatever he or you may say. They lost ships, yes, and we +lost ships too, and we can afford to lose ships much less that the +English can. What is the use of pretending that we've won the War +and beaten down England because our sailors shot straight and fought +bravely? So did the English, and they've got more ships left than we +have, more's the pity. + +_She._ But _he_ has made a glorification speech about it, hasn't he? + +_He._ Yes, he has. In another day or two he will have worked himself +up to the point of believing that he commanded our ships in the +battle. I know him; but he needn't think _I_'m going to encourage him +in this laughable pretension. + +_She._ Do not think about him any more, but go to bed and have a good +sleep. + +_He._ I will try, but the telephone will ring, I am sure, and he will +command me to come and see him. (_The telephone rings._) There, I told +you so. + + * * * * * + +Is it true that the KAISER intends to confer upon Admiral VON SCHEER +the title of Baron von Sheer-off? + + * * * * * + +Our Classicists. + + "Another relic was a torpedo propeller. 'It came from a German + submarine that got into an awkward place rather foolishly--but + de mortibus, and the rest of it.'"--_Provincial Paper._ + +Never mind about the rest of it. "De mortibus" is enough, thank you. + + * * * * * + + "Deep down in the ship I came across a strange sight. Some + twenty or thirty boys, seated at desks, were being taught + the mysteries of compound fractures by a petty + officer."--_Liverpool Daily Post._ + +As a preliminary to teaching the German Fleet the art of recurring +decimation? + + * * * * * + + "Private Willie----has returned from France looking extremely + robust and well. He will, I understand, enter for a course of + instruction at Baal College, Oxford, before proceeding again + to the front."--_Irish Paper._ + +As this new foundation, originally intended no doubt for the German +Rhodes Scholars, has apparently been diverted to better use, the +authorities might now alter the name. + +[Illustration: UNCONSCIOUS CANDOUR. + +_German Father._ "Can't we see our victorious fleet?" + +_Official._ "No, you can't. Nobody can!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR WAR PHOTOGRAPHER ON THE CORNISH RIVIERA. + +THE SALONIKA SENTRY. + +_Voice from the house._ "IF YOU KEEP YOUR FATHER OUT TOO LONG HE'LL BE +CATCHING ANOTHER NASTY COLD."] + + * * * * * + +ON THE SPY TRAIL. + +The milkman told Jimmy that the KAISER was like a gambler who had +mortgaged his resources up to bursting point, and now with every tooth +drawn was chewing the bitter dregs of remorse to the bone. The milkman +says these things come to him whilst he is milking, and the reason is +that when he presses his head to the cow's side the heat of the cow +thaws the blood in his brain for a time. + +He told Jimmy that he could make a speech with anybody when he had got +his brain like that, and that he thought of addressing meetings, but +that the cow would be uneasy on a public platform. + +Then he looked round to see where Jimmy's bloodhound, Faithful, was. +You see Faithful sometimes makes the milkman's horse try to get into +the milk-cart and hide its head under the seat, you know, like an +ostrich in the dreary desert when it is pursued by its enemies. But +Faithful was chained up for the sake of the deaf-and-dumb woman who +comes round once a fortnight. The deaf-and-dumb woman has a blind +husband, who squeezes a concertina whilst she shakes some coppers in a +tin cup at you. Jimmy's mother always gives her sixpence. + +Jimmy says bloodhounds don't like coppers jumping about in tin cups; +it makes them harbour resentment, and then you have to show people +where the piece came out of your dress. The milkman told Jimmy that he +had met the deaf-and-dumb woman that morning. She was all by herself +in one of his fields, practising "Where is my wandering boy to-night" +Her husband had enlisted, that was why, and she had sold the business. +Jimmy wanted to see the woman, but she never came past, so he went +down to the railway-station with Faithful to see if she were there. +But there was only a man with a parcel under his arm looking about for +a train. + +Jimmy says that people often go to the station like that, just to see +if there is a train in it; they want to use up their return tickets, +Jimmy says. But there is only the porter to look at, Jimmy says. The +man seemed to think the porter was hiding the trains somewhere, and +asked him for a _Bradshaw_. Jimmy says the porter scratched his head +so hard that Jimmy thought he would get a splinter in his finger, +you know, like they tell you at school, and then he fetched the man a +bradawl. "Didn't he ask me for a gimlet and didn't I bring him one?" +the porter appealed to Jimmy. + +Jimmy says the man was very rude to the porter; he said things you +have to be sorry about when you have time to think them over. Jimmy +says the man actually made the porter unlock the waiting-room door and +throw open the window, although the porter told him that he had a hen +sitting on some eggs there. + +The man seemed very restless, Jimmy says, because he didn't stay long +in the waiting-room. You see Jimmy's bloodhound wanted to see what the +hen smelt like, and how it was getting on; but the hen was not quite +herself that day, and would keep on flying about the waiting-room at +Faithful, just to try and vex him. + +Jimmy says Faithful did his best to get the hen to go back and be busy +sitting on eggs again, but she wouldn't listen to reason. + +Jimmy says the man tried to throw the waiting-room at Faithful and the +hen, so Faithful came out through the window, until the furniture +had settled down. Bloodhounds are like that, Jimmy says, they avoid a +disturbance; Faithful is a very good avoider, Jimmy says. + +Jimmy says he thinks one of eggs must have been addled, and come +undone in the excitement of the moment, by what the man said. He +didn't seem to like addled eggs much, Jimmy says, and he called +Faithful an animal. + +There was a luggage train due, and Jimmy thought he would just see it +come in and then take Faithful away, when on looking round he saw that +his bloodhound had suddenly thrown himself on the Spy trail. He +kept sniffing at the parcel the man had placed on the seat, and then +sniffed hard at the man; after that he sat down and scratched himself +whilst he compared the sniffs. Jimmy says it is splendid to see a +prize bloodhound sifting evidence like that; Faithful is a very good +sifter, Jimmy says. + +Jimmy says the man picked up the parcel and put it under his arm; you +could see he was anxious by the way he kept one foot drawn back at the +ready. But Jimmy knows all about parcels under people's arms; you do +it with a fishing-line, and it is a surprise to cure people when they +have got the hiccough. + +What you have to do is to get the fishing-line ready, and when the +train comes in to the station you tie one end of the line to one of +the railway trucks, and then, if you are lucky, you manage to hook the +other end through the string of the parcel. + +Jimmy says that when you see the parcel you are carrying suddenly jump +from under your arm and go bumping along after the train as it goes +out of the station, you forget to hiccough. + +You can do it with buns in refreshment rooms or with the green baize +on bookstalls--it only depends on who has got the hiccough, Jimmy +says. + +Jimmy says the man hadn't got the hiccough, but he was very surprised +to see his parcel start chasing the luggage train; it was because of +its activity, Jimmy says. Jimmy was on the bridge watching. Jimmy says +the parcel gave a squeak every time it bumped, and Faithful followed +the squeak all down the platform, and when the parcel burst he hurled +himself at it. + +It was the blind man's concertina! and when Jimmy saw Faithful emerge +with the deaf-and-dumb label which the woman used to wear he ran for a +policeman as hard as he could. + +The man wanted the policeman to take Jimmy in charge for destroying +his property, Jimmy says. He explained to the policeman about the +concertina; he said he had bought it from a woman who did not know its +value, and that it was a genuine "Strad." + +Jimmy says the policeman might have let the man off if it hadn't been +for the porter. You see when the man's parcel was bumping along after +the train, the man opened his mouth so wide that some German words +fell out, and the porter had heard them. The porter knows German, +Jimmy says; he learned it before the War began from a German whose +luggage he had put into the wrong train. + +When the German spy was searched it was found that he hadn't much +money, and the policeman said he must have bought the concertina and +label to try to get people to give him money and so work his way to +the coast. + +It turned out afterwards that he had escaped from a concentrated camp, +Jimmy says. When Jimmy told the milkman about it, the milkman said +that it was "Ha, ha, one more feather plucked from the horde of German +rats that pollute the air with their diabolical designs." + +He was just telling Jimmy that the KAISER was standing on the brink of +a deep abscess, when he heard Jimmy's bloodhound taking his horse home +to put it to bed, and this disturbed his flow of thought. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Mess Bore (innocent of small gunpowder plot)._ +"DEPEND UPON IT, SIR, THERE'LL BE SOMETHING HAPPENING QUITE SOON NOW, +AND NEARER THAN WE THINK FOR."] + + * * * * * + +A testimonial:-- + + "I have much pleasure in recommending Mrs. D---- as a very + efficient masseuse after breaking my wrist." + +It was the least she could do to put it right. + + * * * * * + +THE SUPER-LUTHERAN CHURCH. + + [_The Taegliche Rundschau_ has published an article by Judge + VON ZASTROW, of Berlin, on the Future National Church. It is + to unite religion and love of the Fatherland; to reconcile + the Sermon on the Mount with war; to make room for Pietists, + Materialists, and Laodiceans; and to remove all sectional and + sectarian differences. In short, the Church will bathe itself + in "the new streams of German power, it will drink from the + water which will make our German Will strong and healthy for + battle. Our German piety, our German Christianity will assume + an heroic colouring, in place of the sentimental tone which + has hitherto characterised it."] + + When the fighting is finally over, + And victory smiles on our land, + And we 're living in comfort and clover, + We must take our religion in hand; + We must make it heroic and German, + With "Fatherland-love" as its fount; + We must reconcile War with the Sermon + Once preached on the Mount. + + 'Twill embrace the disciples of HAECKEL'S + Monistic material creed, + The Mammonite worship of shekels, + The gospel of hunger and greed; + And the layman, so Laodicean, + No more his devotions will shirk, + But will kneel with the mild Manichean, + The amiable Turk. + + In fine, there'll be nothing sectarian + In Germany's National Church; + And the pedants, Pelagian and Arian, + Will be knocked from their petulant perch; + All paltry divisions 'twill level + That tend to enfeeble the Hun, + And the worship of God and the Devil + Will merge into one. + + * * * * * + + "Miss ---- has a sweet voice.... Perhaps her greatest appeal + was simplicity and an entire lack of effectiveness." + + _"Journal," Meriden, Conn._ + + +We have singers just like that in the old country, too. + + * * * * * + + "Lieutenant ---- is reported wounded by the War + Office."--_Liverpool Daily Post._ + +He is not the only one who has been hurt by this agency. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED immediately for Boys' Industrial School (temporarily + and possibly permanently), an All-round Tanner."--_Natal + Mercury._ + +There is evidently a good deal of leathering to be done. + + * * * * * + +From JACK LONDON'S _A Son of the Sun_:-- + + "She had been hung up by one arm in the sun for two days and + nights." + +Somewhere north of the Arctic Circle, we presume. + + * * * * * + +UNCHARTED SEAS. + +He boarded the 'bus just as it was leaving Piccadilly Circus. "Full +ahtside," chanted the conductor, so the A.B. squeezed into a totally +inadequate space between a girl of sixteen and an elderly and +benevolent-looking lady. Squaring himself forward, he placed a hand +like a boxing-glove on either knee and glanced genially up and down +the 'bus. He was a large man, dark and hairy, and it was quite easy +to associate him with pigtails, tar and cutlasses. After the first +impression there came to one a sense of something odd and un-nautical. +Then one became suddenly aware that, instead of the regulation Navy +cap, he was wearing a rough woollen tam-o'-shanter, which hung coyly +over one ear. + +A thin man in a top-hat was the first to notice it. + +"Still pretty cold in the North Sea?" he ventured, with an eye upon +the tam-o'-shanter. + +"So I've 'eard," the sailor replied guardedly; "but this 'ere," he +touched his headgear, "ain't an Arctic brow-mitten. I got this from +a friend, 'avin' lost me own little 'at jest after the second torpedo +was fired." + +"Gracious!" ejaculated the elderly lady, and the occupants of the 'bus +became magnetised to attention. + +"Now that's extremely interesting," exclaimed the thin man with a +nervous movement of his hand; "could you tell us the name of the +ship?" + +"Can't say as I can, Sir," was the discouraging reply. + +"Of course not, of course not," spluttered a testy old gentleman in +white spats; "a very injudicious question in a public conveyance." He +glared at the thin man with intention. + +"Sort o' fancy name she 'ad," the sailor continued, quite unmoved by +this outburst; "fact she was a bit fancy all round." + +"Ha! disguised, I presume?" exclaimed the old gentleman, his +discretion for a moment overcome. + +"Did she float for any length of time after being torpedoed?" The thin +man put the question with a legal incisiveness. + +"Went to pieces like a paymaster's digestion as soon as the second +mouldy got 'er. Most unnatural." + +He rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand and ruminated on the +peculiarity of it. + +"I suppose you got dreadfully wet?" the elderly lady asked feelingly. + +"Well, Mum," he said gravely, "I wasn't exactly dry. Yer see, after +the show sharp squalls set in from the Sou'-west, an' me 'avin' made +fast to my mate's bow awnin', I 'adn't no claim to the umbereller. So +I did get a bit soused round the superstructure, but not, so to speak, +flooded right down to my propeller casins." + +"Dear! dear! How truly terrible." + +She relapsed into silence convulsively, while the old gentleman +wheezed with great ferocity and muttered something about a good answer +to a d----d silly question. + +"A submarine, of course?" The thin man pursued his examination +relentlessly. + +"So we presoomed from events which 'appened later." + +"Artful them blinkin'--beg pardon, ladies--pirits is," vouchsafed a +man of toil from the far end of the 'bus; "my brother wot's----" + +"All this occurred at night, I assume?" the old gentleman interrupted +snappily. + +"Yes, Sir, it was an evenin' performance." He glanced out into +the murky night. "Put me down at Sydney Terrace," he said to the +conductor. + +"Wy, ye're there nah," grumbled that caustic individual as he jerked +sharply at the bell-cord. + +"Well," exclaimed the thin man as the sailor rose to go, "I +congratulate you very heartily on your good luck--very heartily +indeed!" + +For the first time the hero of the incident seemed to exhibit signs of +impatience. + +"Good luck!" he repeated sarcastically. "Call it good luck to 'ave +your cap pinched out o' the 'arf-dollar seats an' then 'ave to take +yer best girl 'ome in this crabbin' _chappoo_. I'm goin' to see the +brass-'atted owner to-morrow, an' if 'e don't pay out I'll wreck +the 'ole bloomin' theatre. Good luck, yer call it!" He swung off the +foot-board and disappeared into the gloom, muttering incoherently. + + * * * * * + +"He--he!" tittered the flapper. It was the only audible comment on the +situation. + + * * * * * + + "A War Office statement this afternoon reports another + successful operation by Australian and New Zealand mounted + troops in Egypt. + + At the enemy port of Barsalmana the enemy were compelled to + abandon their camp, and were then combed by aeroplane." + + _Liverpool Echo._ + + +An appropriate sequel to a brush with the Cavalry. + + * * * * * + + "If you stand the piano out into the room, you will want a + cur-choke soup, mayonaise of lamb, macaroni with tomatoes." + + _Ladies' Paper._ + + +In the interests of the cur it would be more merciful to keep the +piano in the corner. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION AND ANSWER. + +I. + +"A GENTLEMAN seeking information for forthcoming book about the recent +developments and inventions in Glass and Pottery manufacture, also +Bottle-making, would be pleased to hear from anyone capable of +furnishing such information."--_The Times._ + +II. + +DEAR SIR,--It is very fortunate that I caught sight of your +advertisement, for I am just the man you need. You want to know all +about bottles and things. I can tell you. + +Let us begin with pottery. + +Pottery is made in the Five Towns, a district in the Midlands to which +references may be found by the industrious, using a microscope, in the +works of Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, the famous Caledonian Market salesman. +How it is made I have not room here to indicate, but its effect on +those who make it is to fill their lives with romance and excitement. +Thus, if they don't become Town Councillors for Hanbridge they join +the School Board at Hanley; and if they are not taking the new tram to +Burslem they are catching the fast train to Manchester at Knype. + +And now for glass. + +Glass is an invisible substance made in some mysterious way. It is +used for a multiplicity of things, but principally for windows and +bottles. It is when used for windows that its special quality of +transparency comes in so happily, for it enables you to see through. +This, when it is the window of a hat shop and you are out with your +wife or fiancee, is not an unmixed blessing, but at other times it +can be very convenient. Thus, when looking through the window, oneself +being carefully concealed behind the blind, one can see undesirable +callers approaching and beat a safe retreat. Windows can also be shut, +both in houses and railway carriages, and thus keep the place warm and +pleasantly insanitary and comfortable. It has been said that the pure +air of many German towns is due to the fact that the Germans keep +their windows shut. + +Glass is also used for the chimneys of lamps, which, when the wick +is turned up too high, as it usually is, break. It is employed +furthermore in the manufacture of glass eyes, which, as all who have +visited _A Kiss for Cinderella_ know, do not always match the real +ones. + +But the best thing that glass does is to become bottles. Bottles are +of two kinds: one kind for medicine, and the less said about those +the better; and the other for wine. It was a happy thought which +substituted glass for the skin and leather of which earlier bottles +were made, for one can now see, by holding it to the light, how little +the bottle contains, and order another. The principal fault of bottles +is that they are rarely big enough. A half-bottle does not contain +sufficient for one, and a whole bottle rarely satisfies two. Some men +are so lost to shame as to set only one bottle of wine before three or +even four persons. + +Before the War old bottles were used chiefly as targets in rifle +saloons. Now that they have become scarce, and targets are made in +Germany, they are worth money and should be carefully saved. + +Glass is useful also for making glasses--the receptacles from which +wine is drunk. Without glasses we should be hard put to it to consume +our liquor and should have to resort to half-cocoanuts, cups, the +hollow of the hand, or even sponges. + +Just at the moment bottles--I mean the more genial variety--are under +a cloud. It is a penal offence to sell a bottle before noon, between +half-past two and half-past six, and after half-past nine at night. +But they are expected to come to their own again when Peace is +celebrated. + +I think that is all. + + Yours, etc., + FIRST AID. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Niece._ "HURRAH, AUNTIE! TED HAS BEEN MADE A +LANCE-CORPORAL!" + +_Auntie._ "I DO WISH TED WOULD BE CONTENT WITH BEING A SOLDIER, AND +NOT GO IN FOR THESE FORMS OF NOTORIETY."] + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +XIX.--HAYMARKET. + + I went up to the Hay-market upon a summer day, + I went up to the Hay-market to sell a load of hay-- + To sell a load of hay and a little bit over, + And I sold it all to a pretty girl for a nosegay of red clover. + + A nosegay of red clover and a hollow golden straw; + Now wasn't that a bargain, the best you ever saw? + I whistled on my straw in the market-place all day, + And the London folk came flocking for to foot it in the hay. + +XX.--THE ANGEL. + + The Angel flew down + One morning to town, + But didn't know where to rest; + For they shut her out of the East End + And they shut her out of the West. + + The Angel went on + To Islington, + And there the people were kinder. + If ever you go to Islington + That's where you will find her. + + * * * * * + +Those who _do_ hold the victory--BEATTY _possidentes_. + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + + "---- & SON, WINDOW-CLEANERS. We spare no panes." + + * * * * * + +Our Optimists. + + "As a result of Wednesday's battle the strength of the British + Fleet is now greater, not relatively, but absolutely, than it + was." + + _Daily Telegraph._ + + + * * * * * + +Ships in WOLFF'S clothing: the "victorious" German Fleet. + + * * * * * + + "Villagers here are heartily congratulating Mr. Charles Gibbs + on his marvellous escape from the great North Sea Battle, + from one of our lost cruisers. He reached home on Sunday, and + brings with him a portion of a shell that pierced his cap, + and an engine of the vessel tattered in the conflict."--_Thame + Gazette._ + +"Some" souvenir. + + * * * * * + + "The Germans are using guns twenty-one centimetres in length, + which can be fired from railway lines and transported with + facility." + + _Westminster Gazette._ + + +This appears under the heading, "Big Guns the Deciding Factor." But +should it not have been "Pocket Pistols"? + + * * * * * + + "Talking parrots from 12s. 6d., 3 months' trial."--_Daily + Paper._ + +After that you get used to it. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED, MAN for Tipping Russian Army by hand, piece work." + + _Northampton Chronicle._ + + +It should be rather a long job. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'AVE YOU FETCHED DOWN MANY ZEPPERLEANS THIS MORNING?"] + + * * * * * + +U.A. + +It is very odd how suddenly and completely a new idea gets about. +Yesterday you had never heard of it, or not in any way to take notice +of it; to-day you hear about it consciously for the first time, and +to-morrow it is a commonplace of conversation. + +It is so with U.A. + +I had, of course, heard of U.A. as a menace, a hidden terror, the +old man's dread, the _bon vivant's_ heritage, and so forth. But +only vaguely. No one had talked about it; I had seen the words in +advertisements and had forgotten them again. I had never associated +myself with them. Whatever might happen to me, U.A. would be +unrepresented. + +And then the blow fell. Suddenly U.A. became omnipresent. I met a +friend who only last week I had found doing himself with his customary +thoroughness at dinner. This evening he was dining again, but his sole +companion was a chilly and depressing bottle of French natural water. + +"What is this?" I asked. "War economy?" + +"No," he said; "merely U.A." + +I should have thought little of that were it not that half-an-hour +later I overheard two men talking about the difficulty of getting rid +of U.A. once it had established itself. + +Another man, to whom I complained of some trifling discomfort, said it +was probably U.A. + +An hour later I was sitting at a farce which, like all the farces in +London at the present moment, is the funniest thing ever staged--only +this, if the management is to be believed, is more so; and the only +thing I was able to laugh at was a joke about U.A. + +The next morning I received a letter from a solicitous relation +warning me to be more careful or I should be at the mercy of U.A. + +And to crown all I went to see a doctor about something really quite +negligible, and, after beginning by conjecturing that it was due to +U.A., he ended by feeling certain of it. + +He asked me a hundred questions about myself, and after every reply he +said either, "That's U.A.," or "U.A. again." + +"Almost everything that is wrong with people," he said finally, "is +caused by U.A." + +I came away feeling thoroughly fashionable, but also dejected beyond +words, for he had condemned me to a _regime_ from which every spark of +happiness was excluded. + +I have since become a source of embarrassment to my friends, for more +than half the nice things that everyone else eats and all the nice +things that they drink are denied me. U.A. forbids. + +Wine--oh no. Spirits--not on your life. Underdone beef--poison. +Tobacco--very unwise. And so forth. + +As for my own kitchen, which does not think very quickly, it considers +me mad; and after one of the melancholy meals that are now my lot I am +disposed to agree. + +The question I ask myself is, Which is it to be--a long life of +joyless food and no U.A., or a shorter but merrier life with U.A. +thrown in? And "What's the harm in a little U.A. anyway?" I say as I +light a forbidden cigar. + +However I answer the great problem, of one thing I am certain, and +that is that with all this U.A. about there ought to be a restaurant +with enough intelligence to provide an anti Uric Acid menu. + + * * * * * + +From a description of the German assaults at Verdun:-- + + "The last regiment, which attacked in ass formation, was + terribly handled." + +We understand that it was not led by the CROWN PRINCE in person. + + * * * * * + + "THAT the new Service Act will decimate the Hythe Town Band. + + THAT when the call has been answered there will only be five + members left." + + _Kentish Express._ + + +The present strength of the Hythe Town Band appears to be 5-5/9: five +men and five tailors? + +[Illustration: THE LOST CHIEF. + +IN MEMORY OF FIELD-MARSHAL EARL KITCHENER, MAKER OF ARMIES.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wife._ "I _QUITE_ AGREE THAT DISCHARGED SOLDIERS +SHOULD HAVE A MEDAL, OR SOME DISTINGUISHING BADGE. IT REALLY HAS BEEN +MOST UNPLEASANT FOR ME SOMETIMES WHEN I HAVE SPOKEN TO LIKELY-LOOKING +MEN, ONLY TO FIND THEY HAVE ALREADY SERVED."] + + * * * * * + +THE SAFETY-VALVE. + +The trouble started a week ago, when the eagle eye of a Very Great Man +chanced on a piece of paper lying in the neighbourhood of our camp. +On being hastily summoned, I could not offhand give any reasonable +explanation of its presence. To any lesser personage I should +undoubtedly have proved it to belong to one of the A.S.C. people who +live next door; but as it was I could only agree that it was a piece +of paper, and as such was serving no useful purpose. + +Two days later the blow fell. The V.G.M. would inspect the camp, and +us in full marching order, the following day. + +In the meantime we had learnt that several neighbouring camps had been +tried thus, found wanting, and soundly strafed. From them we gleaned +some useful hints:-- + + (1) That any unnecessary oddments, human or other, left lying + about in the camp would be certain to elicit caustic comment; + + (2) That tired or dissipated-looking animals, soiled harness + or lustreless buttons would probably bring about atmospheric + changes on parade; and + + (3) That pieces of paper would mean indefinite home leave for + somebody. + +It was still moonlight when our cloud of skirmishers was abroad. The +camp is entirely on soft sand, so that burying is a beautifully +simple operation. In every tent parties could be seen rapidly putting +home-made chairs, beds, boxes, tins and cooking utensils below ground. +Personally I was fastening my less sleek mules to a somewhat soiled +waggon, collecting odd men who wouldn't be nice for the great to see, +and despatching the lot behind a neighbouring wood. They looked very +like a troupe of roving gipsies. A sentry was posted in case the +V.G.M. should come round the wood, when the troupe would, with +infinite stealth, track round in his wake. + +Eventually the camp was an absolute picture--not a superfluous +article in view; kits dressed with mathematical exactitute; cookhouse +spotless, with a faultlessly attired cook fingering his implements +in the manner indicated in the text-book. On the horse-lines were +stablemen, assiduously raking away at wisps of straw previously laid +down for the purpose. + +He arrived about five minutes early, but the last tin of sardines was +safely concealed, and we felt almost confident. We were inspected very +minutely and asked seemingly ingenuous questions, each doubtless with +a subtle trap for the unwary. I shivered when his horse pawed the +ground and unearthed a bottle of Bass. I was also horrified to +perceive the faces of several particularly grimy cook's mates +continually popping round the edge of the wood. However, the +inspection of the wagons concluded without untoward incident, and when +the camp's turn came we felt we were on safe ground. We had that rare +and comfortable feeling that nothing had been forgotten. I saw the +Great Man start as his eye encountered the spotless scene. Then a look +of grim determination was apparent as he began his tour, his glance, +trained to an extraordinary pitch of perception, seeking its wonted +prey. But no prey was forthcoming. Up and down the lines he went, +peering into tents, digging at kits and deputing members of his +retinue to test them for tooth-brushes. Exasperation gradually took +the place of determination on his countenance. As he neared the end of +his tour he was swelling very visibly and muttering to himself. We saw +that some terrible eruption was about to occur, and we played our last +card. At a sign from me a stealthy figure emerged from behind a +bush, dropped a piece of orange peel and disappeared again. As the +procession turned the last corner a wild light broke upon the face +of the Central Figure. His step quickened as he approached the orange +peel. He turned and cleared his throat. "This piece of orange peel," +he began, addressing our CO., and rapidly deflating the while. The +situation was saved. + +We have a great reputation now, and intend to do "Inspections +Complete" at a reasonable figure, inclusive of harness, +bright-buttoned soldiers, guard for presenting arms, diggers, a +concealed spot for unsightly men and appliances, and--our special +line--a safety-valve. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERVANT PROBLEM. + +"PLEASE, SIR, A GENTLEMAN CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT." + +"OH! WHAT WAS HIS NAME?" + +"DUNNO, SIR." + +"WHAT WAS HE LIKE? CAN YOU DESCRIBE HIM?" + +"NO, SIR." + +"WELL, HAD HE A FAIR MOUSTACHE?" + +"DUNNO, SIR. 'E 'AD IS 'AT ON."] + + * * * * * + +BEST SELLERS. + +I have seen many flag-days and met many flag-sellers. Some were false +(they had flags with rusty pins and jabbed them treacherously into my +best blouse), and many were frivolous (that sort doesn't trouble about +old-maid customers); but of those who were neither false nor frivolous +Jack and Jill stand easily first. + +I saw them coming up the garden path very early in the morning, Jack +in a sailor suit and Jill in a minute white frock. Their combined ages +might have totalled nine--at a generous guess. + +There was a furious ring at the door, and when I opened it a small +brown hand was thrust in, full of flags, whose pins must have been +very prickly to hold, while he of the sailor suit addressed me +eagerly. + +"Look! This sort's a penny. It's paper. And this sort's thruppence. +It's real silk. Which'll you have?" + +The hand held two silk and four paper flags. I took a silk one, and +the girl nodded approval. "I think," said she, "the silk ones will +_wear_ better." + +While I found my purse the boy had a sudden idea, which he instantly +communicated with the sincere intention of doing the best he could +for me. Said he, "You'd better have the bofe. You'll want one for +your--for the father." And then he had a brighter thought still. "And +the childrens. This paper kind would do for them. It's no use buying +_good_ ones for them, is it?" + +"No, they're sure to lose them," agreed Jill. "You see, they're rather +loose on their pins," she added with commercial candour. + +"Else they wouldn't waggle properly," put in the boy hastily, in case +I might be thinking this a defect. + +"I'll take the lot," said I, "if you can tell me what it's all for." + +"You c'n see," said Jack, "it's on the back of them," and he poked +one round. "'For Woun-ded He-roes,'" he read out with pride and great +deliberation. + +"_He_ can't read very well," said Jill, who was a wee bit jealous. "It +doesn't mean dead. It only means wounded." + +But Jack smiled at me understandingly, refusing to argue with anything +so small as Jill, and they departed, counting the spoil. + +At the gate Jack turned and came back. "If you have more than four +children," he said earnestly, "I could bring you some more paper +ones." + +I think they must have had a successful day. + + * * * * * + +"BAPTISMAL TROUSERS AND GOWNS + + FOR MINISTERS. + + Used throughout Wales for 40 years." + + _Baptist Times._ + + +As the posters should have said, "It is worse than unpatriotic, it is +bad form, to wear new clothes in war-time." + + * * * * * + +THE EPIGRAM. + +George and I had been discussing the prospect for elderly and slightly +shop-soiled _litterateurs_ under present circumstances. The result was +not wholly enlivening. + +"If I had a few hundreds clear," said George at last, "I'd give up +Fleet Street and start a farm. I've always loved the country." + +"My dear George," I answered, speaking slowly, "for a man to take a +farm because he loves the country is to make a master of what should +remain a mistress." + +Just like that. Because I was going slowly I was able at the last +moment to substitute the word "mistress" for "servant," which would +have been merely banal. Not till then did I recognise the bright +perfection of the completed remark. No wonder George stared enviously. + +"What's that out of?" he asked. + +"Nothing as yet." But I had already determined that it should not +long remain unset. I mean, in these days one simply can't afford to +go chucking gems about in gratuitous conversation. The difficulty was +what exactly to do with it. + +The sparkling _causerie_ was my first idea. That evening I refilled my +fountain-pen, opened a fresh packet of foolscap, and began:-- + +"AGRICULTURE AND AESTHETICS. + +"It has been wittily observed that for a man to start farming +because----" + +But there the adverb began to worry me. After all, perhaps it wasn't +quite so witty as I had hoped, or at least others might not think +it so. And in any case I got no personal credit. Subsequent pages +recorded other attempts, as--"Who was the cynical philosopher +who----?" or "It may perhaps be objected by the prudent that for a man +to start----" + +After this I must have decided against starting at all, for nothing +more came of the _causerie_. + +My next attempt took the form of fiction. I resolved to enshrine the +masterpiece in a short story. "The Farm that Failed" seemed to me, +and does still, an attractive title. You see the idea of it? Pastoral +humour; George, as an amateur husbandman, scored off by sheep and +confused by cows. Arrival of town friend, _Amber Dextrius_, on visit. +Some sort of love interest. And finally the Epigram. "Ah, my dear +fellow," said _Dextrius_, as he flung away his cigarette, "after all +you have only proved the great truth that----" And so on. + +It looked promising. I hardly know why I abandoned it. Perhaps the +love interest proved an obstacle. Perhaps I feared lest George +(that good sort) should detect himself and be hurt. Anyhow it got no +further. + +The inspiration that followed had even less fortune. It is represented +by a sheet headed:-- + +"THE BUCOLICS. + +(_A Fantastic Comedy in Five Acts._) + + [ACT I.--_Morning-room of_ Lord Amber Dextrius' _house in Hill + Street, W. A large luxuriously-furnished apartment. Doors in + right and left wall. Two doors in back wall. Three windows + also in back wall. The light is that of a brilliant morning in + May._] + +_Enter_ Lord Amber, _a handsome faultlessly-dressed man of about +five-and-thirty. He walks towards the door_ L." + +But he never reached it. Perhaps an entire ignorance of what he should +do when he got there paralysed him, as it did his creator. After all, +you can hardly run a five-Act comedy on stage directions and a single +epigram, though I admit that the attempt has been made. + +So there the thing rested. From time to time I had wild ideas of +advertising it in the literary papers: "For sale, original epigram, +mint condition, wide application, never been used. Cheap; or would +accept typewriter, or workable film-plots." But even then I might have +no offers. I began to think that my little property was going to prove +unrealisable. + +But only yesterday something happened. + +"I'm awfully sorry, dear," said Ursula, entering the study with an +air of contrition. "It isn't my fault; but the Carter girls are here +having tea, and the eldest one has brought her birthday-book." She +held out the detestable little volume as she spoke. + +"You know perfectly well that I never---- Is the eldest the one with +dark eyes?" + +"Yes, that's the girl. She's going to be a lady-gardener." + +It was like a voice from heaven. "For this once," I said benevolently, +"I will make an exception." I took the book, already open at some +absurd date in April, and wrote in a clear hand:-- + +"The professional horticulturist should beware lest he (or she) make +that a master which should remain a mistress." + +Ursula read it twice. "It's awfully clever," she said, "and on +the spur of the moment too! I can't imagine how you think of these +things." + +"Oh, they just come," I said. So it was not wholly wasted, though +I own I should have preferred cash on delivery. Still we can't have +everything. + + * * * * * + +FLOWERS FOR THE RED CROSS. + +[Illustration] + + [Lines written for the Catalogue of the Royal Horticultural + Society's Exhibition to be held at the Society's Hall in + Vincent Square, on June 27, 28 and 29, for the benefit of the + Red Cross.] + + Think not that Earth unheeding lies + Tranced by the summer's golden air, + Indifferent, under azure skies, + What blows of War her children bear. + + She that has felt our tears like rain, + And shared our wounds of body and soul, + Gives of her flowers to ease our pain, + Gives of her heart to make us whole. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + + "A Swiss cinematograph periodical learns that the hissing of + the Kaiser's picture occurred decently at one of the largest + cinema houses in Berlin."--_Glasgow Evening Times._ + +One of the few decent things the Prussians have done in this War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant (to Brown)._ "ARE YOU IN A +CONTROLLED ESTABLISHMENT?" + +_Mrs. Brown._ "YES, HE IS--AND HAS BEEN FOR TWENTY YEARS."] + + * * * * * + +THE TEACHER TAUGHT. + + Essay-writing in my schooldays certainly was not my forte; + "Lack of concentration" always figured in the term's report, + And my undistinguished diction made my worthy master snort. + + Now enlisted as an usher--so a freakish fate ordains-- + I employ my best endeavours and the remnant of my brains + Setting and correcting essays written by scholastic swains. + + "Whether they derive advantage from this mental interplay, + Modesty, if not misgiving, makes it hard for me to say, + But I'm much inclined to fancy that it's just the other way. + + Anyhow, from this experience I have learned a lot of things + Hidden from the ken of scholars or Prime Ministers or Kings, + Though revealed to youthful schoolboys lately freed from + leading-strings. + + On the relative importance of the classics, "maths," and "stinks"; + On the charm of pink-hued ices, on the choice of gaseous drinks; + On the special sort of sermon which induces forty winks; + + On the various ways of pulling pompous seniors by the leg; + On effective ways of bringing uppish juniors down a peg; + On the scientific mode of blowing any kind of egg; + + On the forms of condescension which the human boy insult; + On the picture-palace mania, on the CHARLIE CHAPLIN cult; + On the latest modern weapons which supplant the catapult-- + + On these elemental matters, and indeed on many more, + I have now accumulated quite a valuable store + Of instructive, entertaining and authoritative lore. + + And I hope, on my returning to my humdrum normal life-- + When we've scotched the KAISER's yearning after sanguinary strife-- + Fortified by modern learning, to electrify my wife. + + * * * * * + + "VAN (sleeping), on iron wheels, to accommodate two men, not + under 12ft. by 6ft."--_Glasgow Herald._ + +Such giants should certainly go in the van. + + * * * * * + +Resuscitation. + +Extract from official memo.:-- + + "This man has been medically examined ... with the result that + he is believed to be feigning decease. The penalty attached to + trial by C.M. on this charge has been explained to him, and he + has elected to return to duty." + + * * * * * + +In the Line of Methuselah. + + "In France the northern men were accorded high honours. + Louis had a bodyguard of twenty-four Scotsmen, and this band + continued in existence as a Royal guard to nine monarchs for + one hundred and fifty years." _The War Illustrated._ + +What happened at this point of their interesting career we are not +told--possibly they went into the Reserves. + + * * * * * + +WAR RISKS OF AN UNCLE. + +I have been made a fool of by the Government. No, you needn't all hold +up your hands at once. Mine Was different from yours. I have always +looked upon myself as an efficient uncle, but now--well, one more +incident of this kind and I shall be definitely _passe_. + +The technique of being an uncle I mastered quite early. For instance, +at stated seasons in the year I choose with some concentration two +toys and two improving books. The toys I give to my nieces, Lillah and +Phyllis; the books I send to a hospital. In the same spirit, when I +take them for a treat and they over-eat themselves, I simply finance +the operation and at the same time buy a large bottle of castor oil +and send it anonymously to St. Bartholomew's. You see the idea? It +is simply technique. I have explained this system to Margaret, their +mother. But she is not one who sees reason very easily. + +In spite of opposition, however, I continue to do my duty. + +In this spirit I dashed into the nursery the other day and declared +my afternoon and my finances at the service of Lillah and Phyllis. +Margaret definitely forbade a cinema, from a curious notion that +their patrons consisted exclusively of bacilli. So Lillah and Phyllis +declared at once for CHARLIE CHAPLIN or nothing. This was only +natural, so I bought two tickets for the latest exhibition of War +cartoons and sent them to my Aunt Julia at Harpenden. Then I took the +children to the Pictures. + +This is just to show you that I know my job. But mark now how Fate +rushed me on to destruction. + +"Uncle James," said Lillah, "I love you!" + +I braced myself up. + +"So do I," said Phyllis. + +It looked like trouble. + +"Can we go and see the tin soldiers before they go to bed?" said +Lillah. + +"The horseback ones," added Phyllis. + +Oh, this was too simple: a nice quiet look at the guardians of +Whitehall, with perhaps a glimpse for the infant mind of the vast +resources of the British Empire; a word in season, perhaps, from Uncle +James; and a detailed report to Margaret of instruction combined with +amusement. + +Of course we went. + +"This," I said, as Phyllis gazed round-eyed at one of the motionless +warriors--"this is but a symbol of the dignity of that great Empire +upon which the sun----" + +"Soldiers," said Phyllis with a wisdom beyond her years, "like girls +to look at them ever so long." + +Then she went away to Lillah, and I saw them with their heads close +together. A wonderful thing, the child-mind. Only beginning perhaps, +but they were learning doubtless to think imperially. The foundation +of that pride of race----? I broke the thread of thought and looked +up. Instantly I was gibbering with horror. + +Phyllis, standing on tiptoe and clinging precariously to his +saddle-cloth, was dropping a roll of paper neatly into the jackboot of +Hercules. + +"Phyllis!" I gasped. "What are you doing?" + +She turned to me happily. + +"That's what Nannie does," she said, without a blush for her sex. "I +put 'I love you.--PHYLLIS.' Do you think he'll be pleased?" + +I seized both girls and hurried into the Park. My soul cried out for +the open spaces. I stole a look at Hercules over my shoulder, but he +was granite. + +On Olympus the Olympians are above shame. + +"Phyllis," I said gravely, "don't you think that was very naughty of +you?" + +"No," said that small Delilah firmly; "soldiers like it." + +The even voice of Lillah broke in. + +"And soldiers ought to have what they like, oughtn't they?" + +"Certainly," I answered patriotically. + +"Well, then," said Phyllis crushingly. + +"If I had done that I should feel very much ashamed of myself," I +said. + +"Well, you didn't," said Lillah, and that finished it. + +They evidently had an offensive and defensive alliance against this +sort of thing. + +"If your mother," I began. + +"Sand!, Sand!" shrieked Phyllis. + +"Sand,", echoed Lillah, and both children were gone. + +They had just noticed the present possibilities of the empty lake as +a substitute for Margate. Two best frocks! Essentially a moment for +efficiency. + +I stepped firmly across the railings. And there the British Government +stepped in. I turned to regard a policeman (out-size). + +"May I call your attention to this, Sir?" he said. + +I gazed at the notice like a fish:-- + + "ONLY CHILDREN ARE ALLOWED + ON THE BED OF THE LAKE." + +It is still there; you can go and see it for yourself. I argued, I +entreated. Either the constable had a sense of humour (and should be +reported) or else a perverted sense of duty. + +A crowd collected. Out of the corner of my eye I could see those two +best frocks. + +"As usual," I said bitterly but with dignity, "the British Government +is too late." + +By the time I had persuaded the children that tea was superior to sand +castles their clothes--but no, why repeat what Margaret said? I'm sure +she regretted it when I had gone. + +But my reputation as an uncle of any technical knowledge is finished. + +I was so moved that I even forgot my gift to St. Bartholomew's after +tea--and now I am writing a personal letter to Mr. SAMUEL about that +notice in the Park. + + * * * * * + +THE ROUTE MARCH. + +(_In Training._) + + We've got our foreign-service boots--we've 'ad 'em 'alf a day; + If it wasn't for the Adjutant I'd sling the brutes away; + If I could 'ave my old ones back I'd give a fortnight's pay, + And chuck 'em in the pair I got this morning! + + We've marched a 'undred miles to-day, we've 'undreds more to go, + An' if you don't believe me, why, I'll tell you 'ow I know-- + I've measured out the distance by the blister on my toe, + For I got my foreign-service boots this morning! + + We've got our foreign-service boots--I wish that I was dead; + I wish I'd got the Colonel's 'orse an' 'im my feet instead; + I wish I was a nacrobat, I'd walk upon my 'ead, + For I got my foreign-service boots this morning! + + We're 'oppin' and we're 'obblin' to a cock-eyed ragtime tune, + Not a soul what isn't limpin' in the bloomin' 'ole balloon. + But buck you up, my com-e-rades, we're off to Flanders soon, + For we got our foreign-service boots this morning! + + * * * * * + + "The full tale of the German losses is being sedulously + concealed. Their battered ships are licking their wounds under + the Kaiser's moustache, which has been badly singed."--_The + Star._ + +It is thought that by this time they have had quite enough of his lip. + + * * * * * + + "No further infantry attack had been delivered by either side + in this area between June 3rd and June 5th. At least four + battleships belonging to three different German regiments have + been identified as having taken part in the original attack." + + _Newcastle Daily Journal._ + + +Now we understand why the Germans were in such a hurry to get home +from Jutland. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Town Lady._ "BY-THE-BY, SIR WILLIAM, DO TELL ME. +I'VE BEEN WONDERING ALL THE AFTERNOON HOW YOU TELL THE TIME BY THIS +SUNDIAL."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +If you only like listening to a talker with whom you agree, who is +of your type and school, then don't bother with _What is Coming?_ +(CASSELL), which purports to be H. G. WELLS'S forecasts of things +after the War. It's perhaps hardly so serious as that, but just +good speculative talk, the kind that offers the first thing that is +signalled to the lips from a quick reflective brain without pauses +to consider objections by the way. Yet perhaps, after all, the author +cannot be dismissed too lightly as a prophet. He did see further into +the air than most, at the time when the experts were blandly proving +all sorts of impossibilities; and, as he recalls, he made a lucky shot +in foretelling the immobility of trench warfare. He still believes in +the BLOCH deadlock, and gives victory to the Allies merely for better +staying power. For British training and method he naturally has +nothing but scorn, which takes him further than most of us can follow +him. At least when he says that the university-trained class has been +found "under the fiery test of war an evasive, temporising class of +people, individualistic, ungenerous and unable either to produce or +obey vigorous leadership," he badly needs to justify the confining of +that diagnosis to _that_ particular class. And when he further says of +British administration of subject territories that "the British are +a race coldly aloof. They have nothing to give a black people and +no disposition to give"--well, it isn't an obvious truth. These +are blemishes of a kind to which a quick-thinking man, a little too +anxious to set everybody right by wholesale methods, is naturally +subject. But you will miss a good deal of fresh-air sanity, of +illumination (for the man _can_ see and find the vivid phrase to +express his vision) on war and peace and education and feminism and +internationalism and citizenship, if you let yourself be alienated by +such lapses. So please don't. + + * * * * * + +"If only those old things could speak, what stories, etc., etc.!" +Most of us, at one time or another, have endured or inflicted that +well-intentioned banality. And here is Miss MARJORIE BOWEN, most +skilful of historical romancers, setting out to tell us precisely what +stories. She calls her volume _Shadows of Yesterday_ (SMITH, ELDER), +explaining in a preface that is by no means the least attractive +chapter that they are supposed to be the histories attached to a +collection of antique oddments in a little Italian museum. No one who +remembers with what persuasive charm Miss BOWEN has handled her long +costume novels will be astonished at the atmosphere with which she +manages to invest these little episodes; a ring, a jewel, a CHARLES +II. jug--these are the materials out of which by aid of fancy she +recreates the past. Of the lot, I myself should give the palm to the +jug's story, a spirited little thing enough, in which a country maid, +awaiting in a cottage the coming of a lover, whom she knows as "Lord +Anthony," meets instead my Lady CASTLEMAINE, who tells her that the +defaulting swain is really His Majesty, and explains that there +exist (to put it tactfully) certain prior engagements of the royal +affection. The end is a brilliant comedy stroke, which I will not +spoil by anticipation for you. It is this capacity for the unexpected +that saves Miss BOWEN from the danger, obviously inherent in her plan, +of being too tightly bound down by the need of forcing her catalogue +of relics into prominence. She has done larger work, but nothing more +agreeable. + + * * * * * + +I could not, if I would, apply quite the customary severities of +criticism to _Twilight_ (HUTCHINSON). It is too personal, and the +death of its author, the clever woman who elected to be known as FRANK +DANBY, is too fresh in memory for me to regard it with detachment. It +is one of the tragedies of literature that only in her last two books, +this and the one that preceded it, did the author give the world a +taste of her true quality. There is evidence in _Twilight_ of gifts +that might well have raised its writer to a place among the greatest. +But frankly it is not possible to consider it apart from the +circumstances of its origin. Two stories there are in it: one +personal, autobiography at its most intimate; the other a work of +imagination. It is supposed that the writer, a woman novelist, wrecked +with disease and the drugs that bring endurance, goes down into the +country and there becomes obsessed with the history of another woman, +in circumstances much like to her own, who had once lived and loved in +the same remote house. So, side by side, you have the two tragedies, +one of the sick bed, one of the soul, both told with an incisive and +compelling art, and with a realism often painful. But, as at once +a document of fact and imagination, the book is perhaps unique. +Certainly no one can read it without feeling that the death of its +author has left literature poorer by the loss of a personality whose +real power was yet to be shown. + + * * * * * + +The demand for an eleventh edition of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S book, +_The First Seven Divisions_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is no more than a +deserved tribute to what has already taken rank as the best history, +so far, of the most critical period of the World War. Lord ERNEST +HAMILTON writes as one having authority. He tells the facts as he +knows them--facts in many cases hitherto undisclosed, and given here +with adequate detail and just; enough of explanation to make the +account clear even to the most unmilitary reader. There has been no +attempt by the writer to embellish his theme. It remains a simple +story of sheer heroism, told in a straightforward soldierly +manner--and the reading of it must make the most unemotional Briton +feel the thrill of pride and pity and gratitude. "Nothing," says the +writer, "can ever surpass, as a story of simple sublime pluck, the +history of the first three months of England's participation in the +Great War." This is what you can follow day by day in these pages. +There are many new maps in the present edition, which greatly help to +explain the situation, as it developed from Mons, through the battle +of the Marne, to the trenches before Ypres. I can only say that I hope +there will soon be few school libraries in which this most inspiring +book has not an honourable place. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Elderly Gentleman (alone in a compartment with +fully-armed soldier, next stop one hour)._ "EXCUSE ME, MY MAN, BUT +YOUR FACE IS STRANGELY FAMILIAR TO ME." + +_Soldier (with meaning)._ "QUITE LIKELY, SIR, SEEIN' AS YOU WERE +THE GENT IN THE TRIBUNAL WHO MADE GAME OF ME BEIN' A CONSCIENTIOUS +OBJECTOR. BUT YOU'LL BE GLAD TO 'EAR I'VE CHANGED MY MIND, AND I AIN'T +_NOW_ GOT ANY OBJECTION TO TAKIN' 'UMAN LIFE."] + + * * * * * + +When Mr. FRANKFORT MOORE is not out to be funny I enjoy his novels, +and _The Rise of Raymond_ (HUTCHINSON) is pleasantly free from +humorous intent. _Raymond's_ father, a cheap house-furnisher by trade, +was a terribly blighting person of peculiar religious views. By rod +and rote he tried to instil his narrow creed into his son, and the +latter's suffering during this process is revealed all the more +forcibly because it is not unduly insisted upon. Though _Raymond_ has +his quiverful of virtues, one's powers of belief in them, though taxed +heavily enough, are not super-taxed. It may seem curious that this +young man, whose vocation it was during some of the best years of his +life to handle and sell uninspiring things like linoleum, should have +had artistic tastes; but as the reason for this endowment is not given +away until the very end of the story I prefer not to give it away +at all. In contrast to the scorn and ridicule scattered over the +puritanical sect of which _Raymond's_ parents were members, the Church +of England parson, _Mr. Bosover_, receives a very warm pat on the +back. "The tradition of gentleman is kept alive by the English parson. +He is the only remaining interpreter of that ancient _culte_." So now +you know. + + * * * * * + +_A Woman in the Balkans_ (HUTCHINSON) is a book of which the +publishers very properly observe that it "will undoubtedly make a wide +appeal at the present moment." These are times when the records of +anybody intelligent "in the Balkans" must be attractive reading; and +Mrs. WILL GORDON (WINIFRED GORDON) is not only intelligent, but--what +is even more important in the writer of a popular memoir--excellent +good company. Her vivid account of her pre-War travels in Serbia, +Bulgaria, and Roumania gives one the feeling of being the fortunate +friend of a correspondent whose views on home-writing are not confined +to picture post-cards. In short a pleasant, not too professional, +record of adventure and observation. The many excellent photographs +that illustrate it are in precisely the same style, being, many of +them, the successful little snapshots of an artistic amateur, such +as often convey a far better impression of places and people than +the more ambitious products of expert science. Not all the pictures, +however, are from the writer's own camera. Two, which, with a +grim sense of drama, are placed next to each other, represent the +Coronation of King PETER of Serbia, and the tragic ride of the Monarch +from his invaded country. There is a whole tremendous chapter of +European history in the contrasted pictures. Small wonder if books +about the Balkans should make "a wide appeal." + + * * * * * + +From a trade circular:-- + + "Since the beginning of the War we have encouraged our men to + enlist, and have filled their places with girls of military + ineligibles." + +But why not give the girls of our fighting men a chance? + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +150, June 14, 1916, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 *** + +***** This file should be named 38824.txt or 38824.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/8/2/38824/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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