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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+June 14, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 14, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 10, 2012 [EBook #38824]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150
+
+JUNE 14, 1916
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The German IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR'S Reichstag speech with regard to the
+Battle of Jutland was, according to _The Daily Mail_, delivered with
+"an eye on Washington." Not GEORGE, of course.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to the German official announcement, the sinking of the
+_Lützow_ was concealed for "military reasons." It is only reasonable
+to assume that other and larger prevarications concerning the North
+Sea battle may be ascribed to "naval reasons."
+
+       * * *
+
+A remarkable omission from the German account of the Naval battle off
+Jutland is observed. There is no mention of the destruction of H.M.S.
+_Blockade_.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to the Croydon Public Library Committee, "readers are
+turning to Thackeray, Dickens, George Eliot and Jane Austen for relief
+from war worry." This authoritative statement will come as a great
+shock to Mr. BALFOUR, who appears to have been under the impression
+that WINSTON CHURCHILL was the popular author of the moment.
+
+       * * *
+
+Under the heading, "Fish-shaped Zeppelin," _The Daily Mail_, quoting
+the Zurich correspondent of the _Nieuwe Courant_, describes a monster
+supposed to have been recently launched by the Germans, which fires
+an aerial torpedo weighing 420 lbs. a distance of nine miles. We
+ourselves would have preferred the heading, "Fish-shaped Story."
+
+       * * *
+
+An A.B., fresh from the Naval fight, had read a statement in the Press
+that the KAISER had given three Hochs! for his Navy. "Well, I don't
+give a Dam for it!" said the British tar.
+
+       * * *
+
+The President of the Republic of San Domingo has resigned, "to save
+the State from armed American intervention." We fear that somebody has
+been pulling the gentleman's leg.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Pall Mall Gazette_ on the Jumble Sale at the Caledonian Market:
+"But there were bargains for everybody, whether it was an elephant or
+a daintily bejewelled carrier, a Paris hat or a three-year-old, or a
+motor-car, or an elephant." One of the lady helpers, discovering at
+the last moment that she had a duplicate elephant, appears to have
+brought it along just in time to catch our contemporary before it went
+to press.
+
+       * * *
+
+In connection with the occupation of Fort Rupel by the Bulgarians it
+is announced that General SARRAIL is taking the "necessary steps." Yet
+we cannot be blind to the fact that it would have been better to have
+forestalled the enemy and taken the necessary front-door.
+
+       * * *
+
+At a meeting of the Church Reading Union at Sion College, Sir FRANCIS
+FOX, J.P., said that a boy who was arrested for setting fire to a
+church had told him that he "had seen it on the cinematograph." This
+statement has drawn a spirited protest from a number of our leading
+film manufacturers, who point out that the thing could not possibly
+have happened, as in all their dramas they have always made it a rule
+never to burn anything less expensive than a cathedral.
+
+       * * *
+
+An advertisement from _The Times:_ "Very stout gentleman, ineligible
+Army, requires permanent engagement to act for Cinema. Had some
+experience in comedy pictures; fatter than any other movey actor;
+weight 22 stone; exceptional opportunity for British producers, but
+willing go abroad." What about an exchange, on a weight basis, with
+America, who might send us Sir HERBERT TREE and CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
+
+       * * *
+
+At the Bow County Court a man who was questioned regarding his
+occupation said that he was a tinsmith, a carrier, a job-buyer,
+a milkman and a general dealer; that he was training about
+120 carrier-pigeons for the Government and also did a bit of
+prize-fighting. There the matter seems to have ended, but one cannot
+help thinking that a really expert cross-examiner would not have let
+him go without finding out what he did in his spare time.
+
+       * * *
+
+Reports from all the agricultural districts refer in glowing terms to
+the cheerful manner in which women workers on the farms are carrying
+on their duties. We are, however, informed that in one district a
+woman voluntary worker was heard to express the opinion that she
+would be more keen upon her part of the work if the ground were not so
+horribly far down.
+
+       * * *
+
+The popularity of police passes is due to the fact that they can often
+be kept and used as a testimonial to character. Thus a well-known
+Irishman of county family, on applying for a pass to England, received
+the following: "Mr. ---- is known to all the police of the county, and
+they consider him a fit man to leave Ireland."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Member of the Royal Flying Corps (first day out of
+hospital)._ "SPEED UP, MAN--SPEED UP!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Decline of Chivalry.
+
+    "The Minister for Lands, the Minister for Agriculture, and the
+    Under-Secretary for Agriculture paid a visit to the old Zoo
+    at Moore Park, and decided to adopt the suggestion that it be
+    utilised as a horticultural college for women students. It is
+    expected the animals will take up their new quarters by July
+    next."--_Australian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Headline to an account of German outrages in the Baltic:--
+
+    "HENS ANNOYING SWEDES."
+
+  _Rand Daily Mail._
+
+This quite takes us back to the LLOYD GEORGE of the old days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SWEET maid (experienced) for restaurant."
+
+  _Scottish Paper._
+
+
+We hope she knows her KINGSLEY:--"Be good, sweet maid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Gas Attack?
+
+    "With whatever object, offensive or defensive, the German
+    General Staff is concentrating all EGGS SEVENPENCE EACH."
+
+  _Glasgow Evening Times._
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Kind Motherly Person wanted urgently to mind baby girl during
+    day; easy distance from Reservoir:."--_Auckland Star._
+
+So, if the child becomes too troublesome----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To the Memory
+
+of
+
+Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener.
+
+BORN JUNE 24TH, 1850.
+
+DIED ON SERVICE JUNE 5TH, 1916.
+
+  Soldier of England, you who served her well
+    And in that service, silent and apart,
+  Achieved a name that never lost its spell
+          Over your country's heart;--
+
+  Who saw your work accomplished ere at length
+    Shadows of evening fell, and creeping Time
+  Had bent your stature or resolved the strength
+          That kept its manhood's prime;--
+
+  Great was your life, and great the end you made,
+    As through the plunging seas that whelmed your head
+  Your spirit passed, unconquered, unafraid,
+          To join the gallant dead.
+
+  But not by death that spell could pass away
+    That fixed our gaze upon the far-off goal,
+  Who, by your magic, stand in arms to-day
+          A nation one and whole,
+
+  Now doubly pledged to bring your vision true
+    Of darkness vanquished and the dawn set free
+  In that full triumph which your faith foreknew
+          But might not live to see.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_HERR VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and FRAU VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG._)
+
+_She._ You are late again, Theobald. How often must I----
+
+_He._ Oh, please do not worry me, my dear Martha. After what I have
+been forced to go through it is a wonder that I am here at all.
+
+_She._ What--have you been seeing _him_ again? I thought he was away
+with one of the armies and you would be having a holiday.
+
+_He._ So did I think; but it was not to be. Holiday, indeed! When do I
+ever get even a moment in which to think my own thoughts?
+
+_She._ At any rate I hope he acknowledged what Germany owes to you.
+Where would he have been, I wonder, if it had not been for your
+constant devotion to his service throughout this terrible time? Does
+he realise what that has meant for him and his?
+
+_He._ Kaisers never realise anything. That's my experience of one of
+them, at any rate. If you flatter them they smile on you and take all
+the credit of your work. But I am not cut out of that sort of wood,
+and the result is that he looks at me as if he had bitten into a lemon
+by mistake. You know that look, don't you?
+
+_She._ Yes, my poor Theobald, I know that look. It makes everything
+black and uncomfortable. But if he is like that and does not consider
+your feelings, why do you continue to serve him? You should assert
+yourself, and if he does not improve you should send in your
+resignation. After all there are better things in the world than to be
+Chancellor to a man who does not appreciate your work.
+
+_He._ Of course I have thought of that, but I have put the idea aside.
+If I were to resign now it would only give joy to my enemies, and they
+are the last people in the world to whom I wish to give joy. He
+won't get rid of me just yet, for he finds me too useful as a
+lightning-conductor. Still, I know that some day he'll give me a push
+by sending me a letter condoling with me on the state of my health,
+and then good-bye to the office of Chancellor.
+
+_She._ And, for my part, Theobald, I hope that time will come soon,
+though I shudder to think what will become of the country when you go.
+However, we won't talk of that any more. Tell me rather what he has
+been saying to you to-day.
+
+_He._ Oh, to-day he was displeased with my speech in the Reichstag.
+
+_She._ Displeased with that beautiful speech so sun-clear and
+patriotic! Why, the man must be mad. Never in all my life have I read
+anything so patriotic and convincing. What _does_ he complain of?
+
+_He._ What does he not complain of? First, he is angry that I defend
+myself against attacks made in an anonymous pamphlet.
+
+_She._ Then I am sure he wrote it himself or inspired it.
+
+_He._ I have not the evidence to prove that, but it is, of course,
+possible. It would be just like him to play me a trick like that.
+But what chiefly provoked his anger was what I said about the naval
+battle.
+
+_She._ Yes, I remember you said that England was not thereby defeated.
+If you will pardon me, Theobald, I myself thought that this was a rash
+statement.
+
+_He._ So you're going to turn against me too, are you? It was a true
+statement, whatever he or you may say. They lost ships, yes, and we
+lost ships too, and we can afford to lose ships much less that the
+English can. What is the use of pretending that we've won the War
+and beaten down England because our sailors shot straight and fought
+bravely? So did the English, and they've got more ships left than we
+have, more's the pity.
+
+_She._ But _he_ has made a glorification speech about it, hasn't he?
+
+_He._ Yes, he has. In another day or two he will have worked himself
+up to the point of believing that he commanded our ships in the
+battle. I know him; but he needn't think _I_'m going to encourage him
+in this laughable pretension.
+
+_She._ Do not think about him any more, but go to bed and have a good
+sleep.
+
+_He._ I will try, but the telephone will ring, I am sure, and he will
+command me to come and see him. (_The telephone rings._) There, I told
+you so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Is it true that the KAISER intends to confer upon Admiral VON SCHEER
+the title of Baron von Sheer-off?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Classicists.
+
+    "Another relic was a torpedo propeller. 'It came from a German
+    submarine that got into an awkward place rather foolishly--but
+    de mortibus, and the rest of it.'"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Never mind about the rest of it. "De mortibus" is enough, thank you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Deep down in the ship I came across a strange sight. Some
+    twenty or thirty boys, seated at desks, were being taught
+    the mysteries of compound fractures by a petty
+    officer."--_Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+As a preliminary to teaching the German Fleet the art of recurring
+decimation?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Private Willie----has returned from France looking extremely
+    robust and well. He will, I understand, enter for a course of
+    instruction at Baal College, Oxford, before proceeding again
+    to the front."--_Irish Paper._
+
+As this new foundation, originally intended no doubt for the German
+Rhodes Scholars, has apparently been diverted to better use, the
+authorities might now alter the name.
+
+[Illustration: UNCONSCIOUS CANDOUR.
+
+_German Father._ "Can't we see our victorious fleet?"
+
+_Official._ "No, you can't. Nobody can!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR WAR PHOTOGRAPHER ON THE CORNISH RIVIERA.
+
+THE SALONIKA SENTRY.
+
+_Voice from the house._ "IF YOU KEEP YOUR FATHER OUT TOO LONG HE'LL BE
+CATCHING ANOTHER NASTY COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPY TRAIL.
+
+The milkman told Jimmy that the KAISER was like a gambler who had
+mortgaged his resources up to bursting point, and now with every tooth
+drawn was chewing the bitter dregs of remorse to the bone. The milkman
+says these things come to him whilst he is milking, and the reason is
+that when he presses his head to the cow's side the heat of the cow
+thaws the blood in his brain for a time.
+
+He told Jimmy that he could make a speech with anybody when he had got
+his brain like that, and that he thought of addressing meetings, but
+that the cow would be uneasy on a public platform.
+
+Then he looked round to see where Jimmy's bloodhound, Faithful, was.
+You see Faithful sometimes makes the milkman's horse try to get into
+the milk-cart and hide its head under the seat, you know, like an
+ostrich in the dreary desert when it is pursued by its enemies. But
+Faithful was chained up for the sake of the deaf-and-dumb woman who
+comes round once a fortnight. The deaf-and-dumb woman has a blind
+husband, who squeezes a concertina whilst she shakes some coppers in a
+tin cup at you. Jimmy's mother always gives her sixpence.
+
+Jimmy says bloodhounds don't like coppers jumping about in tin cups;
+it makes them harbour resentment, and then you have to show people
+where the piece came out of your dress. The milkman told Jimmy that he
+had met the deaf-and-dumb woman that morning. She was all by herself
+in one of his fields, practising "Where is my wandering boy to-night"
+Her husband had enlisted, that was why, and she had sold the business.
+Jimmy wanted to see the woman, but she never came past, so he went
+down to the railway-station with Faithful to see if she were there.
+But there was only a man with a parcel under his arm looking about for
+a train.
+
+Jimmy says that people often go to the station like that, just to see
+if there is a train in it; they want to use up their return tickets,
+Jimmy says. But there is only the porter to look at, Jimmy says. The
+man seemed to think the porter was hiding the trains somewhere, and
+asked him for a _Bradshaw_. Jimmy says the porter scratched his head
+so hard that Jimmy thought he would get a splinter in his finger,
+you know, like they tell you at school, and then he fetched the man a
+bradawl. "Didn't he ask me for a gimlet and didn't I bring him one?"
+the porter appealed to Jimmy.
+
+Jimmy says the man was very rude to the porter; he said things you
+have to be sorry about when you have time to think them over. Jimmy
+says the man actually made the porter unlock the waiting-room door and
+throw open the window, although the porter told him that he had a hen
+sitting on some eggs there.
+
+The man seemed very restless, Jimmy says, because he didn't stay long
+in the waiting-room. You see Jimmy's bloodhound wanted to see what the
+hen smelt like, and how it was getting on; but the hen was not quite
+herself that day, and would keep on flying about the waiting-room at
+Faithful, just to try and vex him.
+
+Jimmy says Faithful did his best to get the hen to go back and be busy
+sitting on eggs again, but she wouldn't listen to reason.
+
+Jimmy says the man tried to throw the waiting-room at Faithful and the
+hen, so Faithful came out through the window, until the furniture
+had settled down. Bloodhounds are like that, Jimmy says, they avoid a
+disturbance; Faithful is a very good avoider, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says he thinks one of eggs must have been addled, and come
+undone in the excitement of the moment, by what the man said. He
+didn't seem to like addled eggs much, Jimmy says, and he called
+Faithful an animal.
+
+There was a luggage train due, and Jimmy thought he would just see it
+come in and then take Faithful away, when on looking round he saw that
+his bloodhound had suddenly thrown himself on the Spy trail. He
+kept sniffing at the parcel the man had placed on the seat, and then
+sniffed hard at the man; after that he sat down and scratched himself
+whilst he compared the sniffs. Jimmy says it is splendid to see a
+prize bloodhound sifting evidence like that; Faithful is a very good
+sifter, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says the man picked up the parcel and put it under his arm; you
+could see he was anxious by the way he kept one foot drawn back at the
+ready. But Jimmy knows all about parcels under people's arms; you do
+it with a fishing-line, and it is a surprise to cure people when they
+have got the hiccough.
+
+What you have to do is to get the fishing-line ready, and when the
+train comes in to the station you tie one end of the line to one of
+the railway trucks, and then, if you are lucky, you manage to hook the
+other end through the string of the parcel.
+
+Jimmy says that when you see the parcel you are carrying suddenly jump
+from under your arm and go bumping along after the train as it goes
+out of the station, you forget to hiccough.
+
+You can do it with buns in refreshment rooms or with the green baize
+on bookstalls--it only depends on who has got the hiccough, Jimmy
+says.
+
+Jimmy says the man hadn't got the hiccough, but he was very surprised
+to see his parcel start chasing the luggage train; it was because of
+its activity, Jimmy says. Jimmy was on the bridge watching. Jimmy says
+the parcel gave a squeak every time it bumped, and Faithful followed
+the squeak all down the platform, and when the parcel burst he hurled
+himself at it.
+
+It was the blind man's concertina! and when Jimmy saw Faithful emerge
+with the deaf-and-dumb label which the woman used to wear he ran for a
+policeman as hard as he could.
+
+The man wanted the policeman to take Jimmy in charge for destroying
+his property, Jimmy says. He explained to the policeman about the
+concertina; he said he had bought it from a woman who did not know its
+value, and that it was a genuine "Strad."
+
+Jimmy says the policeman might have let the man off if it hadn't been
+for the porter. You see when the man's parcel was bumping along after
+the train, the man opened his mouth so wide that some German words
+fell out, and the porter had heard them. The porter knows German,
+Jimmy says; he learned it before the War began from a German whose
+luggage he had put into the wrong train.
+
+When the German spy was searched it was found that he hadn't much
+money, and the policeman said he must have bought the concertina and
+label to try to get people to give him money and so work his way to
+the coast.
+
+It turned out afterwards that he had escaped from a concentrated camp,
+Jimmy says. When Jimmy told the milkman about it, the milkman said
+that it was "Ha, ha, one more feather plucked from the horde of German
+rats that pollute the air with their diabolical designs."
+
+He was just telling Jimmy that the KAISER was standing on the brink of
+a deep abscess, when he heard Jimmy's bloodhound taking his horse home
+to put it to bed, and this disturbed his flow of thought.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Mess Bore (innocent of small gunpowder plot)._
+"DEPEND UPON IT, SIR, THERE'LL BE SOMETHING HAPPENING QUITE SOON NOW,
+AND NEARER THAN WE THINK FOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A testimonial:--
+
+    "I have much pleasure in recommending Mrs. D---- as a very
+    efficient masseuse after breaking my wrist."
+
+It was the least she could do to put it right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUPER-LUTHERAN CHURCH.
+
+    [_The Tägliche Rundschau_ has published an article by Judge
+    VON ZASTROW, of Berlin, on the Future National Church. It is
+    to unite religion and love of the Fatherland; to reconcile
+    the Sermon on the Mount with war; to make room for Pietists,
+    Materialists, and Laodiceans; and to remove all sectional and
+    sectarian differences. In short, the Church will bathe itself
+    in "the new streams of German power, it will drink from the
+    water which will make our German Will strong and healthy for
+    battle. Our German piety, our German Christianity will assume
+    an heroic colouring, in place of the sentimental tone which
+    has hitherto characterised it."]
+
+  When the fighting is finally over,
+    And victory smiles on our land,
+  And we 're living in comfort and clover,
+    We must take our religion in hand;
+  We must make it heroic and German,
+    With "Fatherland-love" as its fount;
+  We must reconcile War with the Sermon
+      Once preached on the Mount.
+
+  'Twill embrace the disciples of HAECKEL'S
+    Monistic material creed,
+  The Mammonite worship of shekels,
+    The gospel of hunger and greed;
+  And the layman, so Laodicean,
+    No more his devotions will shirk,
+  But will kneel with the mild Manichean,
+      The amiable Turk.
+
+  In fine, there'll be nothing sectarian
+    In Germany's National Church;
+  And the pedants, Pelagian and Arian,
+    Will be knocked from their petulant perch;
+  All paltry divisions 'twill level
+    That tend to enfeeble the Hun,
+  And the worship of God and the Devil
+      Will merge into one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss ---- has a sweet voice.... Perhaps her greatest appeal
+    was simplicity and an entire lack of effectiveness."
+
+  _"Journal," Meriden, Conn._
+
+
+We have singers just like that in the old country, too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lieutenant ---- is reported wounded by the War
+    Office."--_Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+He is not the only one who has been hurt by this agency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED immediately for Boys' Industrial School (temporarily
+    and possibly permanently), an All-round Tanner."--_Natal
+    Mercury._
+
+There is evidently a good deal of leathering to be done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From JACK LONDON'S _A Son of the Sun_:--
+
+    "She had been hung up by one arm in the sun for two days and
+    nights."
+
+Somewhere north of the Arctic Circle, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNCHARTED SEAS.
+
+He boarded the 'bus just as it was leaving Piccadilly Circus. "Full
+ahtside," chanted the conductor, so the A.B. squeezed into a totally
+inadequate space between a girl of sixteen and an elderly and
+benevolent-looking lady. Squaring himself forward, he placed a hand
+like a boxing-glove on either knee and glanced genially up and down
+the 'bus. He was a large man, dark and hairy, and it was quite easy
+to associate him with pigtails, tar and cutlasses. After the first
+impression there came to one a sense of something odd and un-nautical.
+Then one became suddenly aware that, instead of the regulation Navy
+cap, he was wearing a rough woollen tam-o'-shanter, which hung coyly
+over one ear.
+
+A thin man in a top-hat was the first to notice it.
+
+"Still pretty cold in the North Sea?" he ventured, with an eye upon
+the tam-o'-shanter.
+
+"So I've 'eard," the sailor replied guardedly; "but this 'ere," he
+touched his headgear, "ain't an Arctic brow-mitten. I got this from
+a friend, 'avin' lost me own little 'at jest after the second torpedo
+was fired."
+
+"Gracious!" ejaculated the elderly lady, and the occupants of the 'bus
+became magnetised to attention.
+
+"Now that's extremely interesting," exclaimed the thin man with a
+nervous movement of his hand; "could you tell us the name of the
+ship?"
+
+"Can't say as I can, Sir," was the discouraging reply.
+
+"Of course not, of course not," spluttered a testy old gentleman in
+white spats; "a very injudicious question in a public conveyance." He
+glared at the thin man with intention.
+
+"Sort o' fancy name she 'ad," the sailor continued, quite unmoved by
+this outburst; "fact she was a bit fancy all round."
+
+"Ha! disguised, I presume?" exclaimed the old gentleman, his
+discretion for a moment overcome.
+
+"Did she float for any length of time after being torpedoed?" The thin
+man put the question with a legal incisiveness.
+
+"Went to pieces like a paymaster's digestion as soon as the second
+mouldy got 'er. Most unnatural."
+
+He rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand and ruminated on the
+peculiarity of it.
+
+"I suppose you got dreadfully wet?" the elderly lady asked feelingly.
+
+"Well, Mum," he said gravely, "I wasn't exactly dry. Yer see, after
+the show sharp squalls set in from the Sou'-west, an' me 'avin' made
+fast to my mate's bow awnin', I 'adn't no claim to the umbereller. So
+I did get a bit soused round the superstructure, but not, so to speak,
+flooded right down to my propeller casins."
+
+"Dear! dear! How truly terrible."
+
+She relapsed into silence convulsively, while the old gentleman
+wheezed with great ferocity and muttered something about a good answer
+to a d----d silly question.
+
+"A submarine, of course?" The thin man pursued his examination
+relentlessly.
+
+"So we presoomed from events which 'appened later."
+
+"Artful them blinkin'--beg pardon, ladies--pirits is," vouchsafed a
+man of toil from the far end of the 'bus; "my brother wot's----"
+
+"All this occurred at night, I assume?" the old gentleman interrupted
+snappily.
+
+"Yes, Sir, it was an evenin' performance." He glanced out into
+the murky night. "Put me down at Sydney Terrace," he said to the
+conductor.
+
+"Wy, ye're there nah," grumbled that caustic individual as he jerked
+sharply at the bell-cord.
+
+"Well," exclaimed the thin man as the sailor rose to go, "I
+congratulate you very heartily on your good luck--very heartily
+indeed!"
+
+For the first time the hero of the incident seemed to exhibit signs of
+impatience.
+
+"Good luck!" he repeated sarcastically. "Call it good luck to 'ave
+your cap pinched out o' the 'arf-dollar seats an' then 'ave to take
+yer best girl 'ome in this crabbin' _chappoo_. I'm goin' to see the
+brass-'atted owner to-morrow, an' if 'e don't pay out I'll wreck
+the 'ole bloomin' theatre. Good luck, yer call it!" He swung off the
+foot-board and disappeared into the gloom, muttering incoherently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"He--he!" tittered the flapper. It was the only audible comment on the
+situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A War Office statement this afternoon reports another
+    successful operation by Australian and New Zealand mounted
+    troops in Egypt.
+
+    At the enemy port of Barsalmana the enemy were compelled to
+    abandon their camp, and were then combed by aeroplane."
+
+  _Liverpool Echo._
+
+
+An appropriate sequel to a brush with the Cavalry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If you stand the piano out into the room, you will want a
+    cur-choke soup, mayonaise of lamb, macaroni with tomatoes."
+
+  _Ladies' Paper._
+
+
+In the interests of the cur it would be more merciful to keep the
+piano in the corner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUESTION AND ANSWER.
+
+I.
+
+"A GENTLEMAN seeking information for forthcoming book about the recent
+developments and inventions in Glass and Pottery manufacture, also
+Bottle-making, would be pleased to hear from anyone capable of
+furnishing such information."--_The Times._
+
+II.
+
+DEAR SIR,--It is very fortunate that I caught sight of your
+advertisement, for I am just the man you need. You want to know all
+about bottles and things. I can tell you.
+
+Let us begin with pottery.
+
+Pottery is made in the Five Towns, a district in the Midlands to which
+references may be found by the industrious, using a microscope, in the
+works of Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, the famous Caledonian Market salesman.
+How it is made I have not room here to indicate, but its effect on
+those who make it is to fill their lives with romance and excitement.
+Thus, if they don't become Town Councillors for Hanbridge they join
+the School Board at Hanley; and if they are not taking the new tram to
+Burslem they are catching the fast train to Manchester at Knype.
+
+And now for glass.
+
+Glass is an invisible substance made in some mysterious way. It is
+used for a multiplicity of things, but principally for windows and
+bottles. It is when used for windows that its special quality of
+transparency comes in so happily, for it enables you to see through.
+This, when it is the window of a hat shop and you are out with your
+wife or fiancée, is not an unmixed blessing, but at other times it
+can be very convenient. Thus, when looking through the window, oneself
+being carefully concealed behind the blind, one can see undesirable
+callers approaching and beat a safe retreat. Windows can also be shut,
+both in houses and railway carriages, and thus keep the place warm and
+pleasantly insanitary and comfortable. It has been said that the pure
+air of many German towns is due to the fact that the Germans keep
+their windows shut.
+
+Glass is also used for the chimneys of lamps, which, when the wick
+is turned up too high, as it usually is, break. It is employed
+furthermore in the manufacture of glass eyes, which, as all who have
+visited _A Kiss for Cinderella_ know, do not always match the real
+ones.
+
+But the best thing that glass does is to become bottles. Bottles are
+of two kinds: one kind for medicine, and the less said about those
+the better; and the other for wine. It was a happy thought which
+substituted glass for the skin and leather of which earlier bottles
+were made, for one can now see, by holding it to the light, how little
+the bottle contains, and order another. The principal fault of bottles
+is that they are rarely big enough. A half-bottle does not contain
+sufficient for one, and a whole bottle rarely satisfies two. Some men
+are so lost to shame as to set only one bottle of wine before three or
+even four persons.
+
+Before the War old bottles were used chiefly as targets in rifle
+saloons. Now that they have become scarce, and targets are made in
+Germany, they are worth money and should be carefully saved.
+
+Glass is useful also for making glasses--the receptacles from which
+wine is drunk. Without glasses we should be hard put to it to consume
+our liquor and should have to resort to half-cocoanuts, cups, the
+hollow of the hand, or even sponges.
+
+Just at the moment bottles--I mean the more genial variety--are under
+a cloud. It is a penal offence to sell a bottle before noon, between
+half-past two and half-past six, and after half-past nine at night.
+But they are expected to come to their own again when Peace is
+celebrated.
+
+I think that is all.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  FIRST AID.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Niece._ "HURRAH, AUNTIE! TED HAS BEEN MADE A
+LANCE-CORPORAL!"
+
+_Auntie._ "I DO WISH TED WOULD BE CONTENT WITH BEING A SOLDIER, AND
+NOT GO IN FOR THESE FORMS OF NOTORIETY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XIX.--HAYMARKET.
+
+  I went up to the Hay-market upon a summer day,
+  I went up to the Hay-market to sell a load of hay--
+  To sell a load of hay and a little bit over,
+  And I sold it all to a pretty girl for a nosegay of red clover.
+
+  A nosegay of red clover and a hollow golden straw;
+  Now wasn't that a bargain, the best you ever saw?
+  I whistled on my straw in the market-place all day,
+  And the London folk came flocking for to foot it in the hay.
+
+XX.--THE ANGEL.
+
+        The Angel flew down
+        One morning to town,
+  But didn't know where to rest;
+    For they shut her out of the East End
+  And they shut her out of the West.
+
+        The Angel went on
+        To Islington,
+  And there the people were kinder.
+    If ever you go to Islington
+  That's where you will find her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those who _do_ hold the victory--BEATTY _possidentes_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+    "---- & SON, WINDOW-CLEANERS. We spare no panes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Optimists.
+
+    "As a result of Wednesday's battle the strength of the British
+    Fleet is now greater, not relatively, but absolutely, than it
+    was."
+
+  _Daily Telegraph._
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ships in WOLFF'S clothing: the "victorious" German Fleet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Villagers here are heartily congratulating Mr. Charles Gibbs
+    on his marvellous escape from the great North Sea Battle,
+    from one of our lost cruisers. He reached home on Sunday, and
+    brings with him a portion of a shell that pierced his cap,
+    and an engine of the vessel tattered in the conflict."--_Thame
+    Gazette._
+
+"Some" souvenir.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans are using guns twenty-one centimetres in length,
+    which can be fired from railway lines and transported with
+    facility."
+
+  _Westminster Gazette._
+
+
+This appears under the heading, "Big Guns the Deciding Factor." But
+should it not have been "Pocket Pistols"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Talking parrots from 12s. 6d., 3 months' trial."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+After that you get used to it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, MAN for Tipping Russian Army by hand, piece work."
+
+  _Northampton Chronicle._
+
+
+It should be rather a long job.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'AVE YOU FETCHED DOWN MANY ZEPPERLEANS THIS MORNING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+U.A.
+
+It is very odd how suddenly and completely a new idea gets about.
+Yesterday you had never heard of it, or not in any way to take notice
+of it; to-day you hear about it consciously for the first time, and
+to-morrow it is a commonplace of conversation.
+
+It is so with U.A.
+
+I had, of course, heard of U.A. as a menace, a hidden terror, the
+old man's dread, the _bon vivant's_ heritage, and so forth. But
+only vaguely. No one had talked about it; I had seen the words in
+advertisements and had forgotten them again. I had never associated
+myself with them. Whatever might happen to me, U.A. would be
+unrepresented.
+
+And then the blow fell. Suddenly U.A. became omnipresent. I met a
+friend who only last week I had found doing himself with his customary
+thoroughness at dinner. This evening he was dining again, but his sole
+companion was a chilly and depressing bottle of French natural water.
+
+"What is this?" I asked. "War economy?"
+
+"No," he said; "merely U.A."
+
+I should have thought little of that were it not that half-an-hour
+later I overheard two men talking about the difficulty of getting rid
+of U.A. once it had established itself.
+
+Another man, to whom I complained of some trifling discomfort, said it
+was probably U.A.
+
+An hour later I was sitting at a farce which, like all the farces in
+London at the present moment, is the funniest thing ever staged--only
+this, if the management is to be believed, is more so; and the only
+thing I was able to laugh at was a joke about U.A.
+
+The next morning I received a letter from a solicitous relation
+warning me to be more careful or I should be at the mercy of U.A.
+
+And to crown all I went to see a doctor about something really quite
+negligible, and, after beginning by conjecturing that it was due to
+U.A., he ended by feeling certain of it.
+
+He asked me a hundred questions about myself, and after every reply he
+said either, "That's U.A.," or "U.A. again."
+
+"Almost everything that is wrong with people," he said finally, "is
+caused by U.A."
+
+I came away feeling thoroughly fashionable, but also dejected beyond
+words, for he had condemned me to a _régime_ from which every spark of
+happiness was excluded.
+
+I have since become a source of embarrassment to my friends, for more
+than half the nice things that everyone else eats and all the nice
+things that they drink are denied me. U.A. forbids.
+
+Wine--oh no. Spirits--not on your life. Underdone beef--poison.
+Tobacco--very unwise. And so forth.
+
+As for my own kitchen, which does not think very quickly, it considers
+me mad; and after one of the melancholy meals that are now my lot I am
+disposed to agree.
+
+The question I ask myself is, Which is it to be--a long life of
+joyless food and no U.A., or a shorter but merrier life with U.A.
+thrown in? And "What's the harm in a little U.A. anyway?" I say as I
+light a forbidden cigar.
+
+However I answer the great problem, of one thing I am certain, and
+that is that with all this U.A. about there ought to be a restaurant
+with enough intelligence to provide an anti Uric Acid menu.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of the German assaults at Verdun:--
+
+    "The last regiment, which attacked in ass formation, was
+    terribly handled."
+
+We understand that it was not led by the CROWN PRINCE in person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THAT the new Service Act will decimate the Hythe Town Band.
+
+    THAT when the call has been answered there will only be five
+    members left."
+
+  _Kentish Express._
+
+
+The present strength of the Hythe Town Band appears to be 5-5/9: five
+men and five tailors?
+
+[Illustration: THE LOST CHIEF.
+
+IN MEMORY OF FIELD-MARSHAL EARL KITCHENER, MAKER OF ARMIES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wife._ "I _QUITE_ AGREE THAT DISCHARGED SOLDIERS
+SHOULD HAVE A MEDAL, OR SOME DISTINGUISHING BADGE. IT REALLY HAS BEEN
+MOST UNPLEASANT FOR ME SOMETIMES WHEN I HAVE SPOKEN TO LIKELY-LOOKING
+MEN, ONLY TO FIND THEY HAVE ALREADY SERVED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAFETY-VALVE.
+
+The trouble started a week ago, when the eagle eye of a Very Great Man
+chanced on a piece of paper lying in the neighbourhood of our camp.
+On being hastily summoned, I could not offhand give any reasonable
+explanation of its presence. To any lesser personage I should
+undoubtedly have proved it to belong to one of the A.S.C. people who
+live next door; but as it was I could only agree that it was a piece
+of paper, and as such was serving no useful purpose.
+
+Two days later the blow fell. The V.G.M. would inspect the camp, and
+us in full marching order, the following day.
+
+In the meantime we had learnt that several neighbouring camps had been
+tried thus, found wanting, and soundly strafed. From them we gleaned
+some useful hints:--
+
+    (1) That any unnecessary oddments, human or other, left lying
+    about in the camp would be certain to elicit caustic comment;
+
+    (2) That tired or dissipated-looking animals, soiled harness
+    or lustreless buttons would probably bring about atmospheric
+    changes on parade; and
+
+    (3) That pieces of paper would mean indefinite home leave for
+    somebody.
+
+It was still moonlight when our cloud of skirmishers was abroad. The
+camp is entirely on soft sand, so that burying is a beautifully
+simple operation. In every tent parties could be seen rapidly putting
+home-made chairs, beds, boxes, tins and cooking utensils below ground.
+Personally I was fastening my less sleek mules to a somewhat soiled
+waggon, collecting odd men who wouldn't be nice for the great to see,
+and despatching the lot behind a neighbouring wood. They looked very
+like a troupe of roving gipsies. A sentry was posted in case the
+V.G.M. should come round the wood, when the troupe would, with
+infinite stealth, track round in his wake.
+
+Eventually the camp was an absolute picture--not a superfluous
+article in view; kits dressed with mathematical exactitute; cookhouse
+spotless, with a faultlessly attired cook fingering his implements
+in the manner indicated in the text-book. On the horse-lines were
+stablemen, assiduously raking away at wisps of straw previously laid
+down for the purpose.
+
+He arrived about five minutes early, but the last tin of sardines was
+safely concealed, and we felt almost confident. We were inspected very
+minutely and asked seemingly ingenuous questions, each doubtless with
+a subtle trap for the unwary. I shivered when his horse pawed the
+ground and unearthed a bottle of Bass. I was also horrified to
+perceive the faces of several particularly grimy cook's mates
+continually popping round the edge of the wood. However, the
+inspection of the wagons concluded without untoward incident, and when
+the camp's turn came we felt we were on safe ground. We had that rare
+and comfortable feeling that nothing had been forgotten. I saw the
+Great Man start as his eye encountered the spotless scene. Then a look
+of grim determination was apparent as he began his tour, his glance,
+trained to an extraordinary pitch of perception, seeking its wonted
+prey. But no prey was forthcoming. Up and down the lines he went,
+peering into tents, digging at kits and deputing members of his
+retinue to test them for tooth-brushes. Exasperation gradually took
+the place of determination on his countenance. As he neared the end of
+his tour he was swelling very visibly and muttering to himself. We saw
+that some terrible eruption was about to occur, and we played our last
+card. At a sign from me a stealthy figure emerged from behind a
+bush, dropped a piece of orange peel and disappeared again. As the
+procession turned the last corner a wild light broke upon the face
+of the Central Figure. His step quickened as he approached the orange
+peel. He turned and cleared his throat. "This piece of orange peel,"
+he began, addressing our CO., and rapidly deflating the while. The
+situation was saved.
+
+We have a great reputation now, and intend to do "Inspections
+Complete" at a reasonable figure, inclusive of harness,
+bright-buttoned soldiers, guard for presenting arms, diggers, a
+concealed spot for unsightly men and appliances, and--our special
+line--a safety-valve.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SERVANT PROBLEM.
+
+"PLEASE, SIR, A GENTLEMAN CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT."
+
+"OH! WHAT WAS HIS NAME?"
+
+"DUNNO, SIR."
+
+"WHAT WAS HE LIKE? CAN YOU DESCRIBE HIM?"
+
+"NO, SIR."
+
+"WELL, HAD HE A FAIR MOUSTACHE?"
+
+"DUNNO, SIR. 'E 'AD IS 'AT ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEST SELLERS.
+
+I have seen many flag-days and met many flag-sellers. Some were false
+(they had flags with rusty pins and jabbed them treacherously into my
+best blouse), and many were frivolous (that sort doesn't trouble about
+old-maid customers); but of those who were neither false nor frivolous
+Jack and Jill stand easily first.
+
+I saw them coming up the garden path very early in the morning, Jack
+in a sailor suit and Jill in a minute white frock. Their combined ages
+might have totalled nine--at a generous guess.
+
+There was a furious ring at the door, and when I opened it a small
+brown hand was thrust in, full of flags, whose pins must have been
+very prickly to hold, while he of the sailor suit addressed me
+eagerly.
+
+"Look! This sort's a penny. It's paper. And this sort's thruppence.
+It's real silk. Which'll you have?"
+
+The hand held two silk and four paper flags. I took a silk one, and
+the girl nodded approval. "I think," said she, "the silk ones will
+_wear_ better."
+
+While I found my purse the boy had a sudden idea, which he instantly
+communicated with the sincere intention of doing the best he could
+for me. Said he, "You'd better have the bofe. You'll want one for
+your--for the father." And then he had a brighter thought still. "And
+the childrens. This paper kind would do for them. It's no use buying
+_good_ ones for them, is it?"
+
+"No, they're sure to lose them," agreed Jill. "You see, they're rather
+loose on their pins," she added with commercial candour.
+
+"Else they wouldn't waggle properly," put in the boy hastily, in case
+I might be thinking this a defect.
+
+"I'll take the lot," said I, "if you can tell me what it's all for."
+
+"You c'n see," said Jack, "it's on the back of them," and he poked
+one round. "'For Woun-ded He-roes,'" he read out with pride and great
+deliberation.
+
+"_He_ can't read very well," said Jill, who was a wee bit jealous. "It
+doesn't mean dead. It only means wounded."
+
+But Jack smiled at me understandingly, refusing to argue with anything
+so small as Jill, and they departed, counting the spoil.
+
+At the gate Jack turned and came back. "If you have more than four
+children," he said earnestly, "I could bring you some more paper
+ones."
+
+I think they must have had a successful day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BAPTISMAL TROUSERS AND GOWNS
+
+    FOR MINISTERS.
+
+    Used throughout Wales for 40 years."
+
+  _Baptist Times._
+
+
+As the posters should have said, "It is worse than unpatriotic, it is
+bad form, to wear new clothes in war-time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EPIGRAM.
+
+George and I had been discussing the prospect for elderly and slightly
+shop-soiled _littérateurs_ under present circumstances. The result was
+not wholly enlivening.
+
+"If I had a few hundreds clear," said George at last, "I'd give up
+Fleet Street and start a farm. I've always loved the country."
+
+"My dear George," I answered, speaking slowly, "for a man to take a
+farm because he loves the country is to make a master of what should
+remain a mistress."
+
+Just like that. Because I was going slowly I was able at the last
+moment to substitute the word "mistress" for "servant," which would
+have been merely banal. Not till then did I recognise the bright
+perfection of the completed remark. No wonder George stared enviously.
+
+"What's that out of?" he asked.
+
+"Nothing as yet." But I had already determined that it should not
+long remain unset. I mean, in these days one simply can't afford to
+go chucking gems about in gratuitous conversation. The difficulty was
+what exactly to do with it.
+
+The sparkling _causerie_ was my first idea. That evening I refilled my
+fountain-pen, opened a fresh packet of foolscap, and began:--
+
+"AGRICULTURE AND ÆSTHETICS.
+
+"It has been wittily observed that for a man to start farming
+because----"
+
+But there the adverb began to worry me. After all, perhaps it wasn't
+quite so witty as I had hoped, or at least others might not think
+it so. And in any case I got no personal credit. Subsequent pages
+recorded other attempts, as--"Who was the cynical philosopher
+who----?" or "It may perhaps be objected by the prudent that for a man
+to start----"
+
+After this I must have decided against starting at all, for nothing
+more came of the _causerie_.
+
+My next attempt took the form of fiction. I resolved to enshrine the
+masterpiece in a short story. "The Farm that Failed" seemed to me,
+and does still, an attractive title. You see the idea of it? Pastoral
+humour; George, as an amateur husbandman, scored off by sheep and
+confused by cows. Arrival of town friend, _Amber Dextrius_, on visit.
+Some sort of love interest. And finally the Epigram. "Ah, my dear
+fellow," said _Dextrius_, as he flung away his cigarette, "after all
+you have only proved the great truth that----" And so on.
+
+It looked promising. I hardly know why I abandoned it. Perhaps the
+love interest proved an obstacle. Perhaps I feared lest George
+(that good sort) should detect himself and be hurt. Anyhow it got no
+further.
+
+The inspiration that followed had even less fortune. It is represented
+by a sheet headed:--
+
+"THE BUCOLICS.
+
+(_A Fantastic Comedy in Five Acts._)
+
+    [ACT I.--_Morning-room of_ Lord Amber Dextrius' _house in Hill
+    Street, W. A large luxuriously-furnished apartment. Doors in
+    right and left wall. Two doors in back wall. Three windows
+    also in back wall. The light is that of a brilliant morning in
+    May._]
+
+_Enter_ Lord Amber, _a handsome faultlessly-dressed man of about
+five-and-thirty. He walks towards the door_ L."
+
+But he never reached it. Perhaps an entire ignorance of what he should
+do when he got there paralysed him, as it did his creator. After all,
+you can hardly run a five-Act comedy on stage directions and a single
+epigram, though I admit that the attempt has been made.
+
+So there the thing rested. From time to time I had wild ideas of
+advertising it in the literary papers: "For sale, original epigram,
+mint condition, wide application, never been used. Cheap; or would
+accept typewriter, or workable film-plots." But even then I might have
+no offers. I began to think that my little property was going to prove
+unrealisable.
+
+But only yesterday something happened.
+
+"I'm awfully sorry, dear," said Ursula, entering the study with an
+air of contrition. "It isn't my fault; but the Carter girls are here
+having tea, and the eldest one has brought her birthday-book." She
+held out the detestable little volume as she spoke.
+
+"You know perfectly well that I never---- Is the eldest the one with
+dark eyes?"
+
+"Yes, that's the girl. She's going to be a lady-gardener."
+
+It was like a voice from heaven. "For this once," I said benevolently,
+"I will make an exception." I took the book, already open at some
+absurd date in April, and wrote in a clear hand:--
+
+"The professional horticulturist should beware lest he (or she) make
+that a master which should remain a mistress."
+
+Ursula read it twice. "It's awfully clever," she said, "and on
+the spur of the moment too! I can't imagine how you think of these
+things."
+
+"Oh, they just come," I said. So it was not wholly wasted, though
+I own I should have preferred cash on delivery. Still we can't have
+everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS FOR THE RED CROSS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    [Lines written for the Catalogue of the Royal Horticultural
+    Society's Exhibition to be held at the Society's Hall in
+    Vincent Square, on June 27, 28 and 29, for the benefit of the
+    Red Cross.]
+
+  Think not that Earth unheeding lies
+    Tranced by the summer's golden air,
+  Indifferent, under azure skies,
+    What blows of War her children bear.
+
+  She that has felt our tears like rain,
+    And shared our wounds of body and soul,
+  Gives of her flowers to ease our pain,
+    Gives of her heart to make us whole.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Swiss cinematograph periodical learns that the hissing of
+    the Kaiser's picture occurred decently at one of the largest
+    cinema houses in Berlin."--_Glasgow Evening Times._
+
+One of the few decent things the Prussians have done in this War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant (to Brown)._ "ARE YOU IN A
+CONTROLLED ESTABLISHMENT?"
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ "YES, HE IS--AND HAS BEEN FOR TWENTY YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TEACHER TAUGHT.
+
+  Essay-writing in my schooldays certainly was not my forte;
+  "Lack of concentration" always figured in the term's report,
+  And my undistinguished diction made my worthy master snort.
+
+  Now enlisted as an usher--so a freakish fate ordains--
+  I employ my best endeavours and the remnant of my brains
+  Setting and correcting essays written by scholastic swains.
+
+  "Whether they derive advantage from this mental interplay,
+  Modesty, if not misgiving, makes it hard for me to say,
+  But I'm much inclined to fancy that it's just the other way.
+
+  Anyhow, from this experience I have learned a lot of things
+  Hidden from the ken of scholars or Prime Ministers or Kings,
+  Though revealed to youthful schoolboys lately freed from
+          leading-strings.
+
+  On the relative importance of the classics, "maths," and "stinks";
+  On the charm of pink-hued ices, on the choice of gaseous drinks;
+  On the special sort of sermon which induces forty winks;
+
+  On the various ways of pulling pompous seniors by the leg;
+  On effective ways of bringing uppish juniors down a peg;
+  On the scientific mode of blowing any kind of egg;
+
+  On the forms of condescension which the human boy insult;
+  On the picture-palace mania, on the CHARLIE CHAPLIN cult;
+  On the latest modern weapons which supplant the catapult--
+
+  On these elemental matters, and indeed on many more,
+  I have now accumulated quite a valuable store
+  Of instructive, entertaining and authoritative lore.
+
+  And I hope, on my returning to my humdrum normal life--
+  When we've scotched the KAISER's yearning after sanguinary strife--
+  Fortified by modern learning, to electrify my wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "VAN (sleeping), on iron wheels, to accommodate two men, not
+    under 12ft. by 6ft."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+Such giants should certainly go in the van.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Resuscitation.
+
+Extract from official memo.:--
+
+    "This man has been medically examined ... with the result that
+    he is believed to be feigning decease. The penalty attached to
+    trial by C.M. on this charge has been explained to him, and he
+    has elected to return to duty."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the Line of Methuselah.
+
+    "In France the northern men were accorded high honours.
+    Louis had a bodyguard of twenty-four Scotsmen, and this band
+    continued in existence as a Royal guard to nine monarchs for
+    one hundred and fifty years." _The War Illustrated._
+
+What happened at this point of their interesting career we are not
+told--possibly they went into the Reserves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR RISKS OF AN UNCLE.
+
+I have been made a fool of by the Government. No, you needn't all hold
+up your hands at once. Mine Was different from yours. I have always
+looked upon myself as an efficient uncle, but now--well, one more
+incident of this kind and I shall be definitely _passé_.
+
+The technique of being an uncle I mastered quite early. For instance,
+at stated seasons in the year I choose with some concentration two
+toys and two improving books. The toys I give to my nieces, Lillah and
+Phyllis; the books I send to a hospital. In the same spirit, when I
+take them for a treat and they over-eat themselves, I simply finance
+the operation and at the same time buy a large bottle of castor oil
+and send it anonymously to St. Bartholomew's. You see the idea? It
+is simply technique. I have explained this system to Margaret, their
+mother. But she is not one who sees reason very easily.
+
+In spite of opposition, however, I continue to do my duty.
+
+In this spirit I dashed into the nursery the other day and declared
+my afternoon and my finances at the service of Lillah and Phyllis.
+Margaret definitely forbade a cinema, from a curious notion that
+their patrons consisted exclusively of bacilli. So Lillah and Phyllis
+declared at once for CHARLIE CHAPLIN or nothing. This was only
+natural, so I bought two tickets for the latest exhibition of War
+cartoons and sent them to my Aunt Julia at Harpenden. Then I took the
+children to the Pictures.
+
+This is just to show you that I know my job. But mark now how Fate
+rushed me on to destruction.
+
+"Uncle James," said Lillah, "I love you!"
+
+I braced myself up.
+
+"So do I," said Phyllis.
+
+It looked like trouble.
+
+"Can we go and see the tin soldiers before they go to bed?" said
+Lillah.
+
+"The horseback ones," added Phyllis.
+
+Oh, this was too simple: a nice quiet look at the guardians of
+Whitehall, with perhaps a glimpse for the infant mind of the vast
+resources of the British Empire; a word in season, perhaps, from Uncle
+James; and a detailed report to Margaret of instruction combined with
+amusement.
+
+Of course we went.
+
+"This," I said, as Phyllis gazed round-eyed at one of the motionless
+warriors--"this is but a symbol of the dignity of that great Empire
+upon which the sun----"
+
+"Soldiers," said Phyllis with a wisdom beyond her years, "like girls
+to look at them ever so long."
+
+Then she went away to Lillah, and I saw them with their heads close
+together. A wonderful thing, the child-mind. Only beginning perhaps,
+but they were learning doubtless to think imperially. The foundation
+of that pride of race----? I broke the thread of thought and looked
+up. Instantly I was gibbering with horror.
+
+Phyllis, standing on tiptoe and clinging precariously to his
+saddle-cloth, was dropping a roll of paper neatly into the jackboot of
+Hercules.
+
+"Phyllis!" I gasped. "What are you doing?"
+
+She turned to me happily.
+
+"That's what Nannie does," she said, without a blush for her sex. "I
+put 'I love you.--PHYLLIS.' Do you think he'll be pleased?"
+
+I seized both girls and hurried into the Park. My soul cried out for
+the open spaces. I stole a look at Hercules over my shoulder, but he
+was granite.
+
+On Olympus the Olympians are above shame.
+
+"Phyllis," I said gravely, "don't you think that was very naughty of
+you?"
+
+"No," said that small Delilah firmly; "soldiers like it."
+
+The even voice of Lillah broke in.
+
+"And soldiers ought to have what they like, oughtn't they?"
+
+"Certainly," I answered patriotically.
+
+"Well, then," said Phyllis crushingly.
+
+"If I had done that I should feel very much ashamed of myself," I
+said.
+
+"Well, you didn't," said Lillah, and that finished it.
+
+They evidently had an offensive and defensive alliance against this
+sort of thing.
+
+"If your mother," I began.
+
+"Sand!, Sand!" shrieked Phyllis.
+
+"Sand,", echoed Lillah, and both children were gone.
+
+They had just noticed the present possibilities of the empty lake as
+a substitute for Margate. Two best frocks! Essentially a moment for
+efficiency.
+
+I stepped firmly across the railings. And there the British Government
+stepped in. I turned to regard a policeman (out-size).
+
+"May I call your attention to this, Sir?" he said.
+
+I gazed at the notice like a fish:--
+
+  "ONLY CHILDREN ARE ALLOWED
+  ON THE BED OF THE LAKE."
+
+It is still there; you can go and see it for yourself. I argued, I
+entreated. Either the constable had a sense of humour (and should be
+reported) or else a perverted sense of duty.
+
+A crowd collected. Out of the corner of my eye I could see those two
+best frocks.
+
+"As usual," I said bitterly but with dignity, "the British Government
+is too late."
+
+By the time I had persuaded the children that tea was superior to sand
+castles their clothes--but no, why repeat what Margaret said? I'm sure
+she regretted it when I had gone.
+
+But my reputation as an uncle of any technical knowledge is finished.
+
+I was so moved that I even forgot my gift to St. Bartholomew's after
+tea--and now I am writing a personal letter to Mr. SAMUEL about that
+notice in the Park.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROUTE MARCH.
+
+(_In Training._)
+
+  We've got our foreign-service boots--we've 'ad 'em 'alf a day;
+  If it wasn't for the Adjutant I'd sling the brutes away;
+  If I could 'ave my old ones back I'd give a fortnight's pay,
+        And chuck 'em in the pair I got this morning!
+
+  We've marched a 'undred miles to-day, we've 'undreds more to go,
+  An' if you don't believe me, why, I'll tell you 'ow I know--
+  I've measured out the distance by the blister on my toe,
+        For I got my foreign-service boots this morning!
+
+  We've got our foreign-service boots--I wish that I was dead;
+  I wish I'd got the Colonel's 'orse an' 'im my feet instead;
+  I wish I was a nacrobat, I'd walk upon my 'ead,
+        For I got my foreign-service boots this morning!
+
+  We're 'oppin' and we're 'obblin' to a cock-eyed ragtime tune,
+  Not a soul what isn't limpin' in the bloomin' 'ole balloon.
+  But buck you up, my com-e-rades, we're off to Flanders soon,
+        For we got our foreign-service boots this morning!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The full tale of the German losses is being sedulously
+    concealed. Their battered ships are licking their wounds under
+    the Kaiser's moustache, which has been badly singed."--_The
+    Star._
+
+It is thought that by this time they have had quite enough of his lip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "No further infantry attack had been delivered by either side
+    in this area between June 3rd and June 5th. At least four
+    battleships belonging to three different German regiments have
+    been identified as having taken part in the original attack."
+
+  _Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+
+Now we understand why the Germans were in such a hurry to get home
+from Jutland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Town Lady._ "BY-THE-BY, SIR WILLIAM, DO TELL ME.
+I'VE BEEN WONDERING ALL THE AFTERNOON HOW YOU TELL THE TIME BY THIS
+SUNDIAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+If you only like listening to a talker with whom you agree, who is
+of your type and school, then don't bother with _What is Coming?_
+(CASSELL), which purports to be H. G. WELLS'S forecasts of things
+after the War. It's perhaps hardly so serious as that, but just
+good speculative talk, the kind that offers the first thing that is
+signalled to the lips from a quick reflective brain without pauses
+to consider objections by the way. Yet perhaps, after all, the author
+cannot be dismissed too lightly as a prophet. He did see further into
+the air than most, at the time when the experts were blandly proving
+all sorts of impossibilities; and, as he recalls, he made a lucky shot
+in foretelling the immobility of trench warfare. He still believes in
+the BLOCH deadlock, and gives victory to the Allies merely for better
+staying power. For British training and method he naturally has
+nothing but scorn, which takes him further than most of us can follow
+him. At least when he says that the university-trained class has been
+found "under the fiery test of war an evasive, temporising class of
+people, individualistic, ungenerous and unable either to produce or
+obey vigorous leadership," he badly needs to justify the confining of
+that diagnosis to _that_ particular class. And when he further says of
+British administration of subject territories that "the British are
+a race coldly aloof. They have nothing to give a black people and
+no disposition to give"--well, it isn't an obvious truth. These
+are blemishes of a kind to which a quick-thinking man, a little too
+anxious to set everybody right by wholesale methods, is naturally
+subject. But you will miss a good deal of fresh-air sanity, of
+illumination (for the man _can_ see and find the vivid phrase to
+express his vision) on war and peace and education and feminism and
+internationalism and citizenship, if you let yourself be alienated by
+such lapses. So please don't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"If only those old things could speak, what stories, etc., etc.!"
+Most of us, at one time or another, have endured or inflicted that
+well-intentioned banality. And here is Miss MARJORIE BOWEN, most
+skilful of historical romancers, setting out to tell us precisely what
+stories. She calls her volume _Shadows of Yesterday_ (SMITH, ELDER),
+explaining in a preface that is by no means the least attractive
+chapter that they are supposed to be the histories attached to a
+collection of antique oddments in a little Italian museum. No one who
+remembers with what persuasive charm Miss BOWEN has handled her long
+costume novels will be astonished at the atmosphere with which she
+manages to invest these little episodes; a ring, a jewel, a CHARLES
+II. jug--these are the materials out of which by aid of fancy she
+recreates the past. Of the lot, I myself should give the palm to the
+jug's story, a spirited little thing enough, in which a country maid,
+awaiting in a cottage the coming of a lover, whom she knows as "Lord
+Anthony," meets instead my Lady CASTLEMAINE, who tells her that the
+defaulting swain is really His Majesty, and explains that there
+exist (to put it tactfully) certain prior engagements of the royal
+affection. The end is a brilliant comedy stroke, which I will not
+spoil by anticipation for you. It is this capacity for the unexpected
+that saves Miss BOWEN from the danger, obviously inherent in her plan,
+of being too tightly bound down by the need of forcing her catalogue
+of relics into prominence. She has done larger work, but nothing more
+agreeable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I could not, if I would, apply quite the customary severities of
+criticism to _Twilight_ (HUTCHINSON). It is too personal, and the
+death of its author, the clever woman who elected to be known as FRANK
+DANBY, is too fresh in memory for me to regard it with detachment. It
+is one of the tragedies of literature that only in her last two books,
+this and the one that preceded it, did the author give the world a
+taste of her true quality. There is evidence in _Twilight_ of gifts
+that might well have raised its writer to a place among the greatest.
+But frankly it is not possible to consider it apart from the
+circumstances of its origin. Two stories there are in it: one
+personal, autobiography at its most intimate; the other a work of
+imagination. It is supposed that the writer, a woman novelist, wrecked
+with disease and the drugs that bring endurance, goes down into the
+country and there becomes obsessed with the history of another woman,
+in circumstances much like to her own, who had once lived and loved in
+the same remote house. So, side by side, you have the two tragedies,
+one of the sick bed, one of the soul, both told with an incisive and
+compelling art, and with a realism often painful. But, as at once
+a document of fact and imagination, the book is perhaps unique.
+Certainly no one can read it without feeling that the death of its
+author has left literature poorer by the loss of a personality whose
+real power was yet to be shown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The demand for an eleventh edition of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S book,
+_The First Seven Divisions_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is no more than a
+deserved tribute to what has already taken rank as the best history,
+so far, of the most critical period of the World War. Lord ERNEST
+HAMILTON writes as one having authority. He tells the facts as he
+knows them--facts in many cases hitherto undisclosed, and given here
+with adequate detail and just; enough of explanation to make the
+account clear even to the most unmilitary reader. There has been no
+attempt by the writer to embellish his theme. It remains a simple
+story of sheer heroism, told in a straightforward soldierly
+manner--and the reading of it must make the most unemotional Briton
+feel the thrill of pride and pity and gratitude. "Nothing," says the
+writer, "can ever surpass, as a story of simple sublime pluck, the
+history of the first three months of England's participation in the
+Great War." This is what you can follow day by day in these pages.
+There are many new maps in the present edition, which greatly help to
+explain the situation, as it developed from Mons, through the battle
+of the Marne, to the trenches before Ypres. I can only say that I hope
+there will soon be few school libraries in which this most inspiring
+book has not an honourable place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Elderly Gentleman (alone in a compartment with
+fully-armed soldier, next stop one hour)._ "EXCUSE ME, MY MAN, BUT
+YOUR FACE IS STRANGELY FAMILIAR TO ME."
+
+_Soldier (with meaning)._ "QUITE LIKELY, SIR, SEEIN' AS YOU WERE
+THE GENT IN THE TRIBUNAL WHO MADE GAME OF ME BEIN' A CONSCIENTIOUS
+OBJECTOR. BUT YOU'LL BE GLAD TO 'EAR I'VE CHANGED MY MIND, AND I AIN'T
+_NOW_ GOT ANY OBJECTION TO TAKIN' 'UMAN LIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. FRANKFORT MOORE is not out to be funny I enjoy his novels,
+and _The Rise of Raymond_ (HUTCHINSON) is pleasantly free from
+humorous intent. _Raymond's_ father, a cheap house-furnisher by trade,
+was a terribly blighting person of peculiar religious views. By rod
+and rote he tried to instil his narrow creed into his son, and the
+latter's suffering during this process is revealed all the more
+forcibly because it is not unduly insisted upon. Though _Raymond_ has
+his quiverful of virtues, one's powers of belief in them, though taxed
+heavily enough, are not super-taxed. It may seem curious that this
+young man, whose vocation it was during some of the best years of his
+life to handle and sell uninspiring things like linoleum, should have
+had artistic tastes; but as the reason for this endowment is not given
+away until the very end of the story I prefer not to give it away
+at all. In contrast to the scorn and ridicule scattered over the
+puritanical sect of which _Raymond's_ parents were members, the Church
+of England parson, _Mr. Bosover_, receives a very warm pat on the
+back. "The tradition of gentleman is kept alive by the English parson.
+He is the only remaining interpreter of that ancient _culte_." So now
+you know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Woman in the Balkans_ (HUTCHINSON) is a book of which the
+publishers very properly observe that it "will undoubtedly make a wide
+appeal at the present moment." These are times when the records of
+anybody intelligent "in the Balkans" must be attractive reading; and
+Mrs. WILL GORDON (WINIFRED GORDON) is not only intelligent, but--what
+is even more important in the writer of a popular memoir--excellent
+good company. Her vivid account of her pre-War travels in Serbia,
+Bulgaria, and Roumania gives one the feeling of being the fortunate
+friend of a correspondent whose views on home-writing are not confined
+to picture post-cards. In short a pleasant, not too professional,
+record of adventure and observation. The many excellent photographs
+that illustrate it are in precisely the same style, being, many of
+them, the successful little snapshots of an artistic amateur, such
+as often convey a far better impression of places and people than
+the more ambitious products of expert science. Not all the pictures,
+however, are from the writer's own camera. Two, which, with a
+grim sense of drama, are placed next to each other, represent the
+Coronation of King PETER of Serbia, and the tragic ride of the Monarch
+from his invaded country. There is a whole tremendous chapter of
+European history in the contrasted pictures. Small wonder if books
+about the Balkans should make "a wide appeal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a trade circular:--
+
+    "Since the beginning of the War we have encouraged our men to
+    enlist, and have filled their places with girls of military
+    ineligibles."
+
+But why not give the girls of our fighting men a chance?
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, June 14, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 38824-8.txt or 38824-8.zip *****
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+  <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 4th 1914.</title>
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+June 14, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 14, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 10, 2012 [EBook #38824]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page385" id="page385"></a>[pg 385]</span>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,</h1>
+<h1>OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 150</h2>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>June 14, 1916</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>The German <span class="sc">Imperial Chancellor's</span>
+Reichstag speech with regard to the
+Battle of Jutland was, according to <i>The
+Daily Mail</i>, delivered with "an eye on
+Washington." Not <span class="sc">George</span>, of course.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to the German official announcement,
+the sinking of the <i>Lützow</i>
+was concealed for "military reasons."
+It is only reasonable to assume that
+other and larger prevarications concerning
+the North Sea battle may be
+ascribed to "naval reasons."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A remarkable omission from the
+German account of the Naval battle
+off Jutland is observed. There is no
+mention of the destruction of H.M.S.
+<i>Blockade</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to the Croydon
+Public Library Committee,
+"readers are turning
+to Thackeray, Dickens,
+George Eliot and Jane
+Austen for relief from war
+worry." This authoritative
+statement will come
+as a great shock to Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span>, who appears to
+have been under the impression
+that <span class="sc">Winston
+Churchill</span> was the popular
+author of the moment.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Under the heading,
+"Fish-shaped Zeppelin,"
+<i>The Daily Mail</i>, quoting
+the Zurich correspondent
+of the <i>Nieuwe Courant</i>,
+describes a monster supposed
+to have been recently
+launched by the Germans, which
+fires an aerial torpedo weighing 420 lbs.
+a distance of nine miles. We ourselves
+would have preferred the heading,
+"Fish-shaped Story."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An A.B., fresh from the Naval fight,
+had read a statement in the Press that
+the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> had given three Hochs! for
+his Navy. "Well, I don't give a Dam
+for it!" said the British tar.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The President of the Republic of San
+Domingo has resigned, "to save the
+State from armed American intervention."
+We fear that somebody has
+been pulling the gentleman's leg.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Pall Mall Gazette</i> on the Jumble
+Sale at the Caledonian Market: "But
+there were bargains for everybody,
+whether it was an elephant or a daintily
+bejewelled carrier, a Paris hat or a
+three-year-old, or a motor-car, or an
+elephant." One of the lady helpers,
+discovering at the last moment that
+she had a duplicate elephant, appears
+to have brought it along just in time
+to catch our contemporary before it
+went to press.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In connection with the occupation
+of Fort Rupel by the Bulgarians it is
+announced that General <span class="sc">Sarrail</span> is
+taking the "necessary steps." Yet we
+cannot be blind to the fact that it would
+have been better to have forestalled the
+enemy and taken the necessary front-door.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At a meeting of the Church Reading
+Union at Sion College, Sir <span class="sc">Francis
+Fox</span>, J.P., said that a boy who was
+arrested for setting fire to a church
+had told him that he "had seen it on
+the cinematograph." This statement
+has drawn a spirited protest from a
+number of our leading film manufacturers,
+who point out that the thing
+could not possibly have happened, as
+in all their dramas they have always
+made it a rule never to burn anything
+less expensive than a cathedral.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An advertisement from <i>The Times:</i>
+"Very stout gentleman, ineligible Army,
+requires permanent engagement to act
+for Cinema. Had some experience in
+comedy pictures; fatter than any other
+movey actor; weight 22 stone; exceptional
+opportunity for British producers,
+but willing go abroad." What about
+an exchange, on a weight basis, with
+America, who might send us Sir
+<span class="sc">Herbert Tree</span> and <span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span>?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>At the Bow County Court a man
+who was questioned regarding his
+occupation said that he was a tinsmith,
+a carrier, a job-buyer, a milkman
+and a general dealer; that he was
+training about 120 carrier-pigeons for
+the Government and also did a bit of
+prize-fighting. There the matter seems
+to have ended, but one cannot help
+thinking that a really expert cross-examiner
+would not have let him go
+without finding out what he did in his
+spare time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Reports from all the agricultural
+districts refer in glowing terms to
+the cheerful manner in which women
+workers on the farms are carrying on
+their duties. We are, however, informed
+that in one district a woman
+voluntary worker was heard to express
+the opinion that she would be more
+keen upon her part of the work if the
+ground were not so horribly far down.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The popularity of police
+passes is due to the fact
+that they can often be
+kept and used as a testimonial
+to character. Thus
+a well-known Irishman of
+county family, on applying
+for a pass to England,
+received the following:
+"Mr. &mdash;&mdash; is known to all
+the police of the county,
+and they consider him a
+fit man to leave Ireland."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/385-1000.png"><img src="images/385-600.png" width="600" height="448" alt="Member of the Royal Flying Corps (first day out of hospital)." /></a>
+<p><i>Member of the Royal Flying Corps (first day out of hospital).</i> "<span class="sc">Speed
+up, man&mdash;speed up!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>The Decline of Chivalry.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Minister for Lands,
+the Minister for Agriculture,
+and the Under-Secretary for
+Agriculture paid a visit to the
+old Zoo at Moore Park, and
+decided to adopt the suggestion
+that it be utilised as a horticultural
+college for women
+students. It is expected the
+animals will take up their new quarters by
+July next."&mdash;<i>Australian Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Headline to an account of German outrages in the Baltic:&mdash;</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Hens Annoying Swedes.</span>"
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Rand Daily Mail.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind2">This quite takes us back to the <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> of the old days.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Sweet</span> maid (experienced) for restaurant."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Scottish Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind2">We hope she knows her <span class="sc">Kingsley</span>:&mdash;"Be
+good, sweet maid."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A New Gas Attack?</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"With whatever object, offensive or defensive,
+the German General Staff is concentrating all
+<span class="sc">Eggs Sevenpence Each</span>."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Glasgow Evening Times.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Kind Motherly Person wanted urgently to
+mind baby girl during day; easy distance
+from Reservoir:."&mdash;<i>Auckland Star.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">So, if the child becomes too troublesome&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page386" id="page386"></a>[pg 386]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2><span class="oes">To the Memory</span></h2>
+
+<h4 style="margin-top: -0.5em; margin-bottom: -0.5em;"><span class="oes">of</span></h4>
+
+<h2><span class="oes">Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener.</span></h2>
+
+<h4 style="margin-top: 2em;"><span class="sc">Born June 24th, 1850.</span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="sc">Died on Service June 5th, 1916.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Soldier of England, you who served her well</p>
+<p class="i2">And in that service, silent and apart,</p>
+<p>Achieved a name that never lost its spell</p>
+<p class="i8">Over your country's heart;&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Who saw your work accomplished ere at length</p>
+<p class="i2">Shadows of evening fell, and creeping Time</p>
+<p>Had bent your stature or resolved the strength</p>
+<p class="i8">That kept its manhood's prime;&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Great was your life, and great the end you made,</p>
+<p class="i2">As through the plunging seas that whelmed your head</p>
+<p>Your spirit passed, unconquered, unafraid,</p>
+<p class="i8">To join the gallant dead.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But not by death that spell could pass away</p>
+<p class="i2">That fixed our gaze upon the far-off goal,</p>
+<p>Who, by your magic, stand in arms to-day</p>
+<p class="i8">A nation one and whole,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now doubly pledged to bring your vision true</p>
+<p class="i2">Of darkness vanquished and the dawn set free</p>
+<p>In that full triumph which your faith foreknew</p>
+<p class="i8">But might not live to see.      O. S.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i><span class="sc">Herr von Bethmann-Hollweg</span> and <span class="sc">Frau von
+Bethmann-Hollweg</span>.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> You are late again, Theobald. How often must I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Oh, please do not worry me, my dear Martha.
+After what I have been forced to go through it is a wonder
+that I am here at all.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> What&mdash;have you been seeing <i>him</i> again? I thought
+he was away with one of the armies and you would be
+having a holiday.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> So did I think; but it was not to be. Holiday,
+indeed! When do I ever get even a moment in which to
+think my own thoughts?</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> At any rate I hope he acknowledged what Germany
+owes to you. Where would he have been, I wonder, if it
+had not been for your constant devotion to his service
+throughout this terrible time? Does he realise what that
+has meant for him and his?</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Kaisers never realise anything. That's my experience
+of one of them, at any rate. If you flatter them they
+smile on you and take all the credit of your work. But I
+am not cut out of that sort of wood, and the result is that
+he looks at me as if he had bitten into a lemon by mistake.
+You know that look, don't you?</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Yes, my poor Theobald, I know that look. It
+makes everything black and uncomfortable. But if he is
+like that and does not consider your feelings, why do you
+continue to serve him? You should assert yourself, and if
+he does not improve you should send in your resignation.
+After all there are better things in the world than to be
+Chancellor to a man who does not appreciate your work.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Of course I have thought of that, but I have put
+the idea aside. If I were to resign now it would only give
+joy to my enemies, and they are the last people in the world
+to whom I wish to give joy. He won't get rid of me just
+yet, for he finds me too useful as a lightning-conductor.
+Still, I know that some day he'll give me a push by
+sending me a letter condoling with me on the state of my
+health, and then good-bye to the office of Chancellor.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> And, for my part, Theobald, I hope that time will
+come soon, though I shudder to think what will become of
+the country when you go. However, we won't talk of
+that any more. Tell me rather what he has been saying to
+you to-day.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Oh, to-day he was displeased with my speech in the
+Reichstag.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Displeased with that beautiful speech so sun-clear
+and patriotic! Why, the man must be mad. Never in all
+my life have I read anything so patriotic and convincing.
+What <i>does</i> he complain of?</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> What does he not complain of? First, he is angry
+that I defend myself against attacks made in an anonymous
+pamphlet.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Then I am sure he wrote it himself or inspired it.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> I have not the evidence to prove that, but it is, of
+course, possible. It would be just like him to play me a
+trick like that. But what chiefly provoked his anger was
+what I said about the naval battle.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Yes, I remember you said that England was not
+thereby defeated. If you will pardon me, Theobald, I myself
+thought that this was a rash statement.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> So you're going to turn against me too, are you?
+It was a true statement, whatever he or you may say.
+They lost ships, yes, and we lost ships too, and we can
+afford to lose ships much less that the English can. What
+is the use of pretending that we've won the War and
+beaten down England because our sailors shot straight and
+fought bravely? So did the English, and they've got more
+ships left than we have, more's the pity.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> But <i>he</i> has made a glorification speech about it,
+hasn't he?</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Yes, he has. In another day or two he will have
+worked himself up to the point of believing that he commanded
+our ships in the battle. I know him; but he
+needn't think <i>I</i>'m going to encourage him in this laughable
+pretension.</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Do not think about him any more, but go to bed
+and have a good sleep.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> I will try, but the telephone will ring, I am sure,
+and he will command me to come and see him. (<i>The telephone
+rings.</i>) There, I told you so.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">Is it true that the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> intends to confer upon Admiral
+<span class="sc">von Scheer</span> the title of Baron von Sheer-off?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Our Classicists.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Another relic was a torpedo propeller. 'It came from a German
+submarine that got into an awkward place rather foolishly&mdash;but de
+mortibus, and the rest of it.'"&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">Never mind about the rest of it. "De mortibus" is enough,
+thank you.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Deep down in the ship I came across a strange sight. Some
+twenty or thirty boys, seated at desks, were being taught the mysteries
+of compound fractures by a petty officer."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">As a preliminary to teaching the German Fleet the art
+of recurring decimation?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Private Willie&mdash;&mdash;has returned from France looking extremely
+robust and well. He will, I understand, enter for a course of instruction
+at Baal College, Oxford, before proceeding again to the
+front."&mdash;<i>Irish Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">As this new foundation, originally intended no doubt for
+the German Rhodes Scholars, has apparently been diverted
+to better use, the authorities might now alter the name.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page387" id="page387"></a>[pg 387]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/387-1500.png"><img src="images/387-600.png" width="600" height="752" alt="UNCONSCIOUS CANDOUR." /></a>
+<h2>UNCONSCIOUS CANDOUR.</h2>
+
+<p><i>German Father.</i> "Can't we see our victorious fleet?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Official.</i> "No, you can't. Nobody can!"</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page388" id="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/388-900.png"><img src="images/388-500.png" width="500" height="336" alt="OUR WAR PHOTOGRAPHER ON THE CORNISH RIVIERA." /></a>
+<h3>OUR WAR PHOTOGRAPHER ON THE CORNISH RIVIERA.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">The Salonika Sentry.</span></h4>
+
+<p><i>Voice from the house.</i> "<span class="sc">If you keep your father out too long
+he'll be catching another nasty cold.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ON THE SPY TRAIL.</h2>
+
+<p>The milkman told Jimmy that the
+<span class="sc">Kaiser</span> was like a gambler who had
+mortgaged his resources up to bursting
+point, and now with every tooth drawn
+was chewing the bitter dregs of remorse
+to the bone. The milkman says these
+things come to him whilst he is milking,
+and the reason is that when he presses
+his head to the cow's side the heat of
+the cow thaws the blood in his brain
+for a time.</p>
+
+<p>He told Jimmy that he could make a
+speech with anybody when he had got
+his brain like that, and that he thought
+of addressing meetings, but that the
+cow would be uneasy on a public
+platform.</p>
+
+<p>Then he looked round to see where
+Jimmy's bloodhound, Faithful, was.
+You see Faithful sometimes
+makes the milkman's horse
+try to get into the milk-cart
+and hide its head under
+the seat, you know, like an
+ostrich in the dreary desert
+when it is pursued by its
+enemies. But Faithful was
+chained up for the sake of
+the deaf-and-dumb woman
+who comes round once a
+fortnight. The deaf-and-dumb
+woman has a blind
+husband, who squeezes a
+concertina whilst she shakes
+some coppers in a tin cup
+at you. Jimmy's mother
+always gives her sixpence.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says bloodhounds
+don't like coppers jumping
+about in tin cups; it makes
+them harbour resentment,
+and then you have to show
+people where the piece came out of
+your dress. The milkman told Jimmy
+that he had met the deaf-and-dumb
+woman that morning. She was all by
+herself in one of his fields, practising
+"Where is my wandering boy to-night"
+Her husband had enlisted,
+that was why, and she had sold the
+business. Jimmy wanted to see the
+woman, but she never came past, so
+he went down to the railway-station
+with Faithful to see if she were there.
+But there was only a man with a parcel
+under his arm looking about for a train.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says that people often go to
+the station like that, just to see if there
+is a train in it; they want to use up
+their return tickets, Jimmy says. But
+there is only the porter to look at,
+Jimmy says. The man seemed to
+think the porter was hiding the trains
+somewhere, and asked him for a <i>Bradshaw</i>.
+Jimmy says the porter scratched
+his head so hard that Jimmy thought
+he would get a splinter in his finger,
+you know, like they tell you at school,
+and then he fetched the man a bradawl.
+"Didn't he ask me for a gimlet and
+didn't I bring him one?" the porter
+appealed to Jimmy.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the man was very rude to
+the porter; he said things you have to
+be sorry about when you have time to
+think them over. Jimmy says the man
+actually made the porter unlock the
+waiting-room door and throw open the
+window, although the porter told him
+that he had a hen sitting on some eggs
+there.</p>
+
+<p>The man seemed very restless, Jimmy
+says, because he didn't stay long in
+the waiting-room. You see Jimmy's
+bloodhound wanted to see what the
+hen smelt like, and how it was getting
+on; but the hen was not quite herself
+that day, and would keep on flying
+about the waiting-room at Faithful,
+just to try and vex him.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says Faithful did his best to
+get the hen to go back and be busy
+sitting on eggs again, but she wouldn't
+listen to reason.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the man tried to throw
+the waiting-room at Faithful and the
+hen, so Faithful came out through the
+window, until the furniture had settled
+down. Bloodhounds are like that,
+Jimmy says, they avoid a disturbance;
+Faithful is a very good avoider, Jimmy
+says.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says he thinks one of
+eggs must have been addled, and come
+undone in the excitement of the moment,
+by what the man said. He didn't
+seem to like addled eggs much, Jimmy
+says, and he called Faithful an animal.</p>
+
+<p>There was a luggage train due, and
+Jimmy thought he would just see it
+come in and then take Faithful away,
+when on looking round he saw that
+his bloodhound had suddenly thrown
+himself on the Spy trail. He kept sniffing
+at the parcel the man had placed
+on the seat, and then sniffed hard at
+the man; after that he sat down and
+scratched himself whilst he compared
+the sniffs. Jimmy says it is splendid to
+see a prize bloodhound sifting evidence
+like that; Faithful is a very good sifter,
+Jimmy says.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the man picked up the
+parcel and put it under his arm; you
+could see he was anxious by the way he
+kept one foot drawn back at the ready.
+But Jimmy knows all about parcels
+under people's arms; you do it with a
+fishing-line, and it is a surprise to cure
+people when they have got the hiccough.</p>
+
+<p>What you have to do is to get the
+fishing-line ready, and when the train
+comes in to the station you tie one
+end of the line to one of the railway
+trucks, and then, if you are
+lucky, you manage to hook
+the other end through the
+string of the parcel.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says that when
+you see the parcel you are
+carrying suddenly jump
+from under your arm and
+go bumping along after the
+train as it goes out of the
+station, you forget to hiccough.</p>
+
+<p>You can do it with buns
+in refreshment rooms or
+with the green baize on
+bookstalls&mdash;it only depends
+on who has got the hiccough,
+Jimmy says.</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the man
+hadn't got the hiccough,
+but he was very surprised
+to see his parcel start chasing
+the luggage train; it
+was because of its activity, Jimmy
+says. Jimmy was on the bridge watching.
+Jimmy says the parcel gave a
+squeak every time it bumped, and
+Faithful followed the squeak all down
+the platform, and when the parcel burst
+he hurled himself at it.</p>
+
+<p>It was the blind man's concertina!
+and when Jimmy saw Faithful emerge
+with the deaf-and-dumb label which
+the woman used to wear he ran for a
+policeman as hard as he could.</p>
+
+<p>The man wanted the policeman to
+take Jimmy in charge for destroying
+his property, Jimmy says. He explained
+to the policeman about the
+concertina; he said he had bought it
+from a woman who did not know its
+value, and that it was a genuine
+"Strad."</p>
+
+<p>Jimmy says the policeman might
+have let the man off if it hadn't been
+for the porter. You see when the
+man's parcel was bumping along after
+the train, the man opened his mouth
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page389" id="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span>
+so wide that some German words fell
+out, and the porter had heard them.
+The porter knows German, Jimmy
+says; he learned it before the War
+began from a German whose luggage
+he had put into the wrong train.</p>
+
+<p>When the German spy was searched
+it was found that he hadn't much
+money, and the policeman said he must
+have bought the concertina and label
+to try to get people to give him money
+and so work his way to the coast.</p>
+
+<p>It turned out afterwards that he had
+escaped from a concentrated camp,
+Jimmy says. When Jimmy told the
+milkman about it, the milkman said
+that it was "Ha, ha, one more feather
+plucked from the horde of German rats
+that pollute the air with their diabolical
+designs."</p>
+
+<p>He was just telling Jimmy that the
+<span class="sc">Kaiser</span> was standing on the brink of
+a deep abscess, when he heard Jimmy's
+bloodhound taking his horse home to
+put it to bed, and this disturbed his
+flow of thought.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/389-1500.png"><img src="images/389-600.png" width="600" height="381" alt="The Mess Bore (innocent of small gunpowder plot)." /></a>
+<p><i>The Mess Bore (innocent of small gunpowder plot).</i>
+"<span class="sc">Depend upon it, Sir, there'll be something happening quite soon
+now, and nearer than we think for.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind3">A testimonial:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"I have much pleasure in recommending
+Mrs. D&mdash;&mdash; as a very efficient masseuse after
+breaking my wrist."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">It was the least she could do to put it
+right.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">THE SUPER-LUTHERAN CHURCH.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>The Tägliche Rundschau</i> has published an
+article by Judge <span class="sc">von Zastrow</span>, of Berlin, on
+the Future National Church. It is to unite
+religion and love of the Fatherland; to reconcile
+the Sermon on the Mount with war; to
+make room for Pietists, Materialists, and
+Laodiceans; and to remove all sectional and
+sectarian differences. In short, the Church
+will bathe itself in "the new streams of German
+power, it will drink from the water which will
+make our German Will strong and healthy
+for battle. Our German piety, our German
+Christianity will assume an heroic colouring,
+in place of the sentimental tone which has
+hitherto characterised it."]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When the fighting is finally over,</p>
+<p class="i2">And victory smiles on our land,</p>
+<p>And we 're living in comfort and clover,</p>
+<p class="i2">We must take our religion in hand;</p>
+<p>We must make it heroic and German,</p>
+<p class="i2">With "Fatherland-love" as its fount;</p>
+<p>We must reconcile War with the Sermon</p>
+<p class="i4">Once preached on the Mount.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>'Twill embrace the disciples of <span class="sc">Haeckel's</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Monistic material creed,</p>
+<p>The Mammonite worship of shekels,</p>
+<p class="i2">The gospel of hunger and greed;</p>
+<p>And the layman, so Laodicean,</p>
+<p class="i2">No more his devotions will shirk,</p>
+<p>But will kneel with the mild Manichean,</p>
+<p class="i4">The amiable Turk.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In fine, there'll be nothing sectarian</p>
+<p class="i2">In Germany's National Church;</p>
+<p>And the pedants, Pelagian and Arian,</p>
+<p class="i2">Will be knocked from their petulant perch;</p>
+<p>All paltry divisions 'twill level</p>
+<p class="i2">That tend to enfeeble the Hun,</p>
+<p>And the worship of God and the Devil</p>
+<p class="i4">Will merge into one.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Miss &mdash;&mdash; has a sweet voice.... Perhaps
+her greatest appeal was simplicity and an
+entire lack of effectiveness."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>"Journal," Meriden, Conn.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind2">We have singers just like that in the
+old country, too.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Lieutenant &mdash;&mdash; is reported wounded by
+the War Office."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Daily Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">He is not the only one who has been
+hurt by this agency.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Wanted</span> immediately for Boys' Industrial
+School (temporarily and possibly permanently),
+an All-round Tanner."&mdash;<i>Natal Mercury.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">There is evidently a good deal of
+leathering to be done.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind3">From <span class="sc">Jack London's</span> <i>A Son of the
+Sun</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"She had been hung up by one arm in the
+sun for two days and nights."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">Somewhere north of the Arctic Circle,
+we presume.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page390" id="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">UNCHARTED SEAS.</h2>
+
+<p>He boarded the 'bus just as it
+was leaving Piccadilly Circus. "Full
+ahtside," chanted the conductor, so
+the A.B. squeezed into a totally inadequate
+space between a girl of
+sixteen and an elderly and benevolent-looking
+lady. Squaring himself forward,
+he placed a hand like a boxing-glove
+on either knee and glanced genially
+up and down the 'bus. He was a
+large man, dark and hairy, and it was
+quite easy to associate him with pigtails,
+tar and cutlasses. After the first
+impression there came to one a sense
+of something odd and un-nautical.
+Then one became suddenly aware that,
+instead of the regulation Navy cap, he
+was wearing a rough woollen tam-o'-shanter,
+which hung coyly over one ear.</p>
+
+<p>A thin man in a top-hat was the
+first to notice it.</p>
+
+<p>"Still pretty cold in the North Sea?"
+he ventured, with an eye upon the
+tam-o'-shanter.</p>
+
+<p>"So I've 'eard," the sailor replied
+guardedly; "but this 'ere," he touched
+his headgear, "ain't an Arctic brow-mitten.
+I got this from a friend, 'avin'
+lost me own little 'at jest after the
+second torpedo was fired."</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious!" ejaculated the elderly
+lady, and the occupants of the 'bus
+became magnetised to attention.</p>
+
+<p>"Now that's extremely interesting,"
+exclaimed the thin man with a nervous
+movement of his hand; "could you
+tell us the name of the ship?"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't say as I can, Sir," was the
+discouraging reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course not, of course not,"
+spluttered a testy old gentleman in
+white spats; "a very injudicious question
+in a public conveyance." He glared
+at the thin man with intention.</p>
+
+<p>"Sort o' fancy name she 'ad," the
+sailor continued, quite unmoved by this
+outburst; "fact she was a bit fancy
+all round."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! disguised, I presume?" exclaimed
+the old gentleman, his discretion
+for a moment overcome.</p>
+
+<p>"Did she float for any length of
+time after being torpedoed?" The
+thin man put the question with a
+legal incisiveness.</p>
+
+<p>"Went to pieces like a paymaster's
+digestion as soon as the second mouldy
+got 'er. Most unnatural."</p>
+
+<p>He rubbed his forehead with the back
+of his hand and ruminated on the
+peculiarity of it.</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose you got dreadfully wet?"
+the elderly lady asked feelingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mum," he said gravely, "I
+wasn't exactly dry. Yer see, after the
+show sharp squalls set in from the
+Sou'-west, an' me 'avin' made fast to
+my mate's bow awnin', I 'adn't no
+claim to the umbereller. So I did get
+a bit soused round the superstructure,
+but not, so to speak, flooded right down
+to my propeller casins."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear! dear! How truly terrible."</p>
+
+<p>She relapsed into silence convulsively,
+while the old gentleman wheezed with
+great ferocity and muttered something
+about a good answer to a d&mdash;&mdash;d silly
+question.</p>
+
+<p>"A submarine, of course?" The
+thin man pursued his examination
+relentlessly.</p>
+
+<p>"So we presoomed from events which
+'appened later."</p>
+
+<p>"Artful them blinkin'&mdash;beg pardon,
+ladies&mdash;pirits is," vouchsafed a man of
+toil from the far end of the 'bus; "my
+brother wot's&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"All this occurred at night, I assume?"
+the old gentleman interrupted snappily.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Sir, it was an evenin' performance."
+He glanced out into the murky
+night. "Put me down at Sydney
+Terrace," he said to the conductor.</p>
+
+<p>"Wy, ye're there nah," grumbled that
+caustic individual as he jerked sharply
+at the bell-cord.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," exclaimed the thin man as
+the sailor rose to go, "I congratulate
+you very heartily on your good luck&mdash;very
+heartily indeed!"</p>
+
+<p>For the first time the hero of the
+incident seemed to exhibit signs of
+impatience.</p>
+
+<p>"Good luck!" he repeated sarcastically.
+"Call it good luck to 'ave your
+cap pinched out o' the 'arf-dollar seats
+an' then 'ave to take yer best girl 'ome
+in this crabbin' <i>chappoo</i>. I'm goin' to
+see the brass-'atted owner to-morrow,
+an' if 'e don't pay out I'll wreck the
+'ole bloomin' theatre. Good luck, yer
+call it!" He swung off the foot-board
+and disappeared into the gloom, muttering
+incoherently.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind">"He&mdash;he!" tittered the flapper.
+It was the only audible comment on
+the situation.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A War Office statement this afternoon
+reports another successful operation by Australian
+and New Zealand mounted troops in
+Egypt.</p>
+
+<p>At the enemy port of Barsalmana the enemy
+were compelled to abandon their camp, and
+were then combed by aeroplane."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Liverpool Echo.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind1">An appropriate sequel to a brush with
+the Cavalry.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"If you stand the piano out into the room,
+you will want a cur-choke soup, mayonaise of
+lamb, macaroni with tomatoes."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Ladies' Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind1">In the interests of the cur it would be
+more merciful to keep the piano in the
+corner.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>QUESTION AND ANSWER.</h2>
+
+<h4>I.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">A gentleman</span> seeking information
+for forthcoming book about the recent
+developments and inventions in Glass
+and Pottery manufacture, also Bottle-making,
+would be pleased to hear from
+anyone capable of furnishing such information."&mdash;<i>The
+Times.</i></p>
+
+<h4>II.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir,</span>&mdash;It is very fortunate that
+I caught sight of your advertisement,
+for I am just the man you need. You
+want to know all about bottles and
+things. I can tell you.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">Let us begin with pottery.</p>
+
+<p>Pottery is made in the Five Towns,
+a district in the Midlands to which
+references may be found by the industrious,
+using a microscope, in the works
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span>, the famous
+Caledonian Market salesman. How it
+is made I have not room here to indicate,
+but its effect on those who make
+it is to fill their lives with romance and
+excitement. Thus, if they don't become
+Town Councillors for Hanbridge they
+join the School Board at Hanley; and
+if they are not taking the new tram to
+Burslem they are catching the fast
+train to Manchester at Knype.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">And now for glass.</p>
+
+<p>Glass is an invisible substance made
+in some mysterious way. It is used
+for a multiplicity of things, but principally
+for windows and bottles. It is
+when used for windows that its special
+quality of transparency comes in so
+happily, for it enables you to see
+through. This, when it is the window
+of a hat shop and you are out with your
+wife or fiancée, is not an unmixed
+blessing, but at other times it can be
+very convenient. Thus, when looking
+through the window, oneself being
+carefully concealed behind the blind,
+one can see undesirable callers approaching
+and beat a safe retreat.
+Windows can also be shut, both in
+houses and railway carriages, and thus
+keep the place warm and pleasantly
+insanitary and comfortable. It has
+been said that the pure air of many
+German towns is due to the fact that
+the Germans keep their windows shut.</p>
+
+<p>Glass is also used for the chimneys of
+lamps, which, when the wick is turned
+up too high, as it usually is, break.
+It is employed furthermore in the
+manufacture of glass eyes, which, as
+all who have visited <i>A Kiss for
+Cinderella</i> know, do not always match
+the real ones.</p>
+
+<p>But the best thing that glass does is
+to become bottles. Bottles are of two
+kinds: one kind for medicine, and the
+less said about those the better; and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page391" id="page391"></a>[pg 391]</span>
+the other for wine. It was a happy
+thought which substituted glass for
+the skin and leather of which earlier
+bottles were made, for one can now
+see, by holding it to the light, how
+little the bottle contains, and order
+another. The principal fault of bottles
+is that they are rarely big enough. A
+half-bottle does not contain sufficient
+for one, and a whole bottle rarely satisfies
+two. Some men are so lost to
+shame as to set only one bottle of wine
+before three or even four persons.</p>
+
+<p>Before the War old bottles were
+used chiefly as targets in rifle saloons.
+Now that they have become scarce, and
+targets are made in Germany, they are
+worth money and should be carefully
+saved.</p>
+
+<p>Glass is useful also for making
+glasses&mdash;the receptacles from which
+wine is drunk. Without glasses we
+should be hard put to it to consume
+our liquor and should have to resort
+to half-cocoanuts, cups, the hollow of
+the hand, or even sponges.</p>
+
+<p>Just at the moment bottles&mdash;I mean
+the more genial variety&mdash;are under a
+cloud. It is a penal offence to sell a
+bottle before noon, between half-past
+two and half-past six, and after half-past
+nine at night. But they are expected
+to come to their own again when Peace
+is celebrated.</p>
+
+<p class="ind3">I think that is all.</p>
+
+<p class="author1">Yours, etc.,</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">First Aid.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/391-1500.png"><img src="images/391-600.png" width="600" height="348" alt="Niece. 'Hurrah, Auntie! Ted has been made a lance-corporal!'" /></a>
+<p><i>Niece.</i> "
+<span class="sc">Hurrah, Auntie! Ted has been made a
+lance-corporal!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Auntie.</i> "<span class="sc">I do wish Ted would be content with being a soldier, and not
+go in for these forms of notoriety.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">XIX.&mdash;Haymarket.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I went up to the Hay-market upon a summer day,</p>
+<p>I went up to the Hay-market to sell a load of hay&mdash;</p>
+<p>To sell a load of hay and a little bit over,</p>
+<p>And I sold it all to a pretty girl for a nosegay of red clover.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A nosegay of red clover and a hollow golden straw;</p>
+<p>Now wasn't that a bargain, the best you ever saw?</p>
+<p>I whistled on my straw in the market-place all day,</p>
+<p>And the London folk came flocking for to foot it in the hay.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">XX.&mdash;The Angel.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">The Angel flew down</p>
+<p class="i6">One morning to town,</p>
+<p>But didn't know where to rest;</p>
+<p class="i2">For they shut her out of the East End</p>
+<p>And they shut her out of the West.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">The Angel went on</p>
+<p class="i6">To Islington,</p>
+<p>And there the people were kinder.</p>
+<p class="i2">If ever you go to Islington</p>
+<p>That's where you will find her.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">Those who <i>do</i> hold the victory&mdash;<br />
+<i><span class="sc">Beatty</span> possidentes</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<p class="center1">
+"&mdash;&mdash; &amp; SON,<br />
+<span class="sc">Window-Cleaners</span>.<br />
+We spare no panes."
+</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Our Optimists.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"As a result of Wednesday's battle the
+strength of the British Fleet is now greater,
+not relatively, but absolutely, than it was."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2">Ships in <span class="sc">Wolff's</span> clothing: the
+"victorious" German Fleet.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Villagers here are heartily congratulating
+Mr. Charles Gibbs on his marvellous escape
+from the great North Sea Battle, from one of
+our lost cruisers. He reached home on Sunday,
+and brings with him a portion of a shell that
+pierced his cap, and an engine of the vessel
+tattered in the conflict."&mdash;<i>Thame Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">"Some" souvenir.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Germans are using guns twenty-one
+centimetres in length, which can be fired from
+railway lines and transported with facility."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind1">This appears under the heading, "Big
+Guns the Deciding Factor." But should
+it not have been "Pocket Pistols"?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Talking parrots from 12s. 6d., 3 months'
+trial."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">After that you get used to it.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Wanted, Man</span> for Tipping Russian Army
+by hand, piece work."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Northampton Chronicle.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind2">It should be rather a long job.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page392" id="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/392-1500.png"><img src="images/392-600.png" width="600" height="375" alt="'Ave you fetched down many Zepperleans this morning?'" /></a>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">'Ave you fetched down many Zepperleans this morning?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>U.A.</h2>
+
+<p>It is very odd how suddenly and
+completely a new idea gets about.
+Yesterday you had never heard of it, or
+not in any way to take notice of it;
+to-day you hear about it consciously
+for the first time, and to-morrow it is a
+commonplace of conversation.</p>
+
+<p>It is so with U.A.</p>
+
+<p>I had, of course, heard of U.A. as a
+menace, a hidden terror, the old man's
+dread, the <i>bon vivant's</i> heritage, and so
+forth. But only vaguely. No one had
+talked about it; I had seen the words
+in advertisements and had forgotten
+them again. I had never associated
+myself with them. Whatever might
+happen to me, U.A. would be unrepresented.</p>
+
+<p>And then the blow fell. Suddenly
+U.A. became omnipresent. I met a
+friend who only last week I had found
+doing himself with his customary thoroughness
+at dinner. This evening he
+was dining again, but his sole companion
+was a chilly and depressing
+bottle of French natural water.</p>
+
+<p>"What is this?" I asked. "War
+economy?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," he said; "merely U.A."</p>
+
+<p>I should have thought little of that
+were it not that half-an-hour later I
+overheard two men talking about the
+difficulty of getting rid of U.A. once it
+had established itself.</p>
+
+<p>Another man, to whom I complained
+of some trifling discomfort, said it was
+probably U.A.</p>
+
+<p>An hour later I was sitting at a farce
+which, like all the farces in London at
+the present moment, is the funniest
+thing ever staged&mdash;only this, if the
+management is to be believed, is more
+so; and the only thing I was able to
+laugh at was a joke about U.A.</p>
+
+<p>The next morning I received a letter
+from a solicitous relation warning me
+to be more careful or I should be at the
+mercy of U.A.</p>
+
+<p>And to crown all I went to see a
+doctor about something really quite
+negligible, and, after beginning by conjecturing
+that it was due to U.A., he
+ended by feeling certain of it.</p>
+
+<p>He asked me a hundred questions
+about myself, and after every reply he
+said either, "That's U.A.," or "U.A.
+again."</p>
+
+<p>"Almost everything that is wrong
+with people," he said finally, "is caused
+by U.A."</p>
+
+<p>I came away feeling thoroughly
+fashionable, but also dejected beyond
+words, for he had condemned me to a
+<i>régime</i> from which every spark of
+happiness was excluded.</p>
+
+<p>I have since become a source of
+embarrassment to my friends, for more
+than half the nice things that everyone
+else eats and all the nice things that
+they drink are denied me. U.A. forbids.</p>
+
+<p>Wine&mdash;oh no. Spirits&mdash;not on your life.
+Underdone beef&mdash;poison. Tobacco&mdash;very
+unwise. And so forth.</p>
+
+<p>As for my own kitchen, which does
+not think very quickly, it considers me
+mad; and after one of the melancholy
+meals that are now my lot I am disposed
+to agree.</p>
+
+<p>The question I ask myself is, Which
+is it to be&mdash;a long life of joyless food and
+no U.A., or a shorter but merrier life
+with U.A. thrown in? And "What's
+the harm in a little U.A. anyway?" I
+say as I light a forbidden cigar.</p>
+
+<p>However I answer the great problem,
+of one thing I am certain, and that is
+that with all this U.A. about there
+ought to be a restaurant with enough
+intelligence to provide an anti Uric
+Acid menu.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind3">From a description of the German
+assaults at Verdun:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The last regiment, which attacked in ass
+formation, was terribly handled."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">We understand that it was not led by
+the <span class="sc">Crown Prince</span> in person.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">That</span> the new Service Act will decimate
+the Hythe Town Band.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">That</span> when the call has been answered
+there will only be five members left."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Kentish Express.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind1">The present strength of the Hythe
+Town Band appears to be 5&nbsp;<span style="font-size: 0.8em;"><sup>5</sup></span>&frasl;<span style="font-size: 0.8em;">9</span>: &nbsp;five
+men and five tailors?</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page393" id="page393"></a>[pg 393]</span>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/393-1200.png"><img src="images/393-500.png" width="500" height="652" alt="THE LOST CHIEF." /></a>
+<h2>THE LOST CHIEF.</h2>
+
+<p>IN MEMORY OF FIELD-MARSHAL EARL KITCHENER, MAKER OF ARMIES.</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page394" id="page394"></a>[pg 394]</span>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/394-1500.png"><img src="images/394-600.png" width="600" height="393" alt="Wife. 'I quite agree that discharged soldiers should have a medal...." /></a>
+<p><i>Wife.</i> "<span class="sc">I <i>quite</i> agree that discharged soldiers
+should have a medal, or some distinguishing badge. It really has
+been most unpleasant for me sometimes when I have spoken to likely-looking men,
+only to find they have
+already served.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">THE SAFETY-VALVE.</h2>
+
+<p>The trouble started a week ago,
+when the eagle eye of a Very Great
+Man chanced on a piece of paper lying
+in the neighbourhood of our camp. On
+being hastily summoned, I could not
+offhand give any reasonable explanation
+of its presence. To any lesser
+personage I should undoubtedly have
+proved it to belong to one of the A.S.C.
+people who live next door; but as it
+was I could only agree that it was a
+piece of paper, and as such was serving
+no useful purpose.</p>
+
+<p>Two days later the blow fell. The
+V.G.M. would inspect the camp, and
+us in full marching order, the following
+day.</p>
+
+<p>In the meantime we had learnt that
+several neighbouring camps had been
+tried thus, found wanting, and soundly
+strafed. From them we gleaned some
+useful hints:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+(1) That any unnecessary oddments,
+human or other, left lying about in
+the camp would be certain to elicit
+caustic comment;</p>
+
+<p>(2) That tired or dissipated-looking
+animals, soiled harness or lustreless
+buttons would probably bring
+about atmospheric changes on
+parade; and</p>
+
+<p>(3) That pieces of paper would mean
+indefinite home leave for somebody.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It was still moonlight when our
+cloud of skirmishers was abroad. The
+camp is entirely on soft sand, so that
+burying is a beautifully simple operation.
+In every tent parties could be
+seen rapidly putting home-made chairs,
+beds, boxes, tins and cooking utensils
+below ground. Personally I was
+fastening my less sleek mules to a
+somewhat soiled waggon, collecting
+odd men who wouldn't be nice for the
+great to see, and despatching the lot
+behind a neighbouring wood. They
+looked very like a troupe of roving
+gipsies. A sentry was posted in case
+the V.G.M. should come round the wood,
+when the troupe would, with infinite
+stealth, track round in his wake.</p>
+
+<p>Eventually the camp was an absolute
+picture&mdash;not a superfluous article in
+view; kits dressed with mathematical
+exactitute; cookhouse spotless, with a
+faultlessly attired cook fingering his
+implements in the manner indicated in
+the text-book. On the horse-lines were
+stablemen, assiduously raking away at
+wisps of straw previously laid down
+for the purpose.</p>
+
+<p>He arrived about five minutes early,
+but the last tin of sardines was safely
+concealed, and we felt almost confident.
+We were inspected very minutely and
+asked seemingly ingenuous questions,
+each doubtless with a subtle trap for
+the unwary. I shivered when his
+horse pawed the ground and unearthed
+a bottle of Bass. I was also horrified
+to perceive the faces of several particularly
+grimy cook's mates continually
+popping round the edge of the wood.
+However, the inspection of the wagons
+concluded without untoward incident,
+and when the camp's turn came we
+felt we were on safe ground. We had
+that rare and comfortable feeling that
+nothing had been forgotten. I saw
+the Great Man start as his eye
+encountered the spotless scene. Then
+a look of grim determination was
+apparent as he began his tour, his
+glance, trained to an extraordinary
+pitch of perception, seeking its wonted
+prey. But no prey was forthcoming.
+Up and down the lines he went,
+peering into tents, digging at kits and
+deputing members of his retinue to
+test them for tooth-brushes. Exasperation
+gradually took the place of
+determination on his countenance. As
+he neared the end of his tour he was
+swelling very visibly and muttering to
+himself. We saw that some terrible
+eruption was about to occur, and we
+played our last card. At a sign from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page395" id="page395"></a>[pg 395]</span>
+me a stealthy figure emerged from
+behind a bush, dropped a piece of
+orange peel and disappeared again.
+As the procession turned the last
+corner a wild light broke upon the
+face of the Central Figure. His step
+quickened as he approached the orange
+peel. He turned and cleared his throat.
+"This piece of orange peel," he began,
+addressing our CO., and rapidly deflating
+the while. The situation was
+saved.</p>
+
+<p>We have a great reputation now, and
+intend to do "Inspections Complete"
+at a reasonable figure, inclusive of
+harness, bright-buttoned soldiers, guard
+for presenting arms, diggers, a concealed
+spot for unsightly men and
+appliances, and&mdash;our special line&mdash;a
+safety-valve.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/395-1000.png"><img src="images/395-400.png" width="400" height="593" alt="THE SERVANT PROBLEM." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">THE SERVANT PROBLEM.</h3></div>
+
+<table align="center" summary="layout">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" colspan="2">"<span class="sc">Please, Sir, a gentleman called when you was out.</span>"</td>
+
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">"<span class="sc">Oh! What was his name?</span>"</td>
+       <td class="right">"<span class="sc">Dunno, Sir.</span>"</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">"<span class="sc">What was he like? Can you describe him?</span>"</td>
+       <td class="right">"<span class="sc">No, Sir.</span>"</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">"<span class="sc">Well, had he a fair moustache?</span>"</td>
+       <td class="right">"<span class="sc">Dunno, Sir. 'E 'ad is 'at on.</span>"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>BEST SELLERS.</h2>
+
+<p>I have seen many flag-days and met
+many flag-sellers. Some were false
+(they had flags with rusty pins and
+jabbed them treacherously into my
+best blouse), and many were frivolous
+(that sort doesn't trouble about old-maid
+customers); but of those who
+were neither false nor frivolous Jack
+and Jill stand easily first.</p>
+
+<p>I saw them coming up the garden
+path very early in the morning, Jack
+in a sailor suit and Jill in a minute
+white frock. Their combined ages might
+have totalled nine&mdash;at a generous
+guess.</p>
+
+<p>There was a furious ring at the door,
+and when I opened it a small brown
+hand was thrust in, full of flags, whose
+pins must have been very prickly to
+hold, while he of the sailor suit addressed
+me eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>"Look! This sort's a penny. It's
+paper. And this sort's thruppence.
+It's real silk. Which'll you have?"</p>
+
+<p>The hand held two silk and four
+paper flags. I took a silk one, and the
+girl nodded approval. "I think," said
+she, "the silk ones will <i>wear</i> better."</p>
+
+<p>While I found my purse the boy had
+a sudden idea, which he instantly communicated
+with the sincere intention
+of doing the best he could for me.
+Said he, "You'd better have the bofe.
+You'll want one for your&mdash;for the
+father." And then he had a brighter
+thought still. "And the childrens.
+This paper kind would do for them.
+It's no use buying <i>good</i> ones for them,
+is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, they're sure to lose them,"
+agreed Jill. "You see, they're rather
+loose on their pins," she added with
+commercial candour.</p>
+
+<p>"Else they wouldn't waggle properly,"
+put in the boy hastily, in case
+I might be thinking this a defect.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll take the lot," said I, "if you
+can tell me what it's all for."</p>
+
+<p>"You c'n see," said Jack, "it's on
+the back of them," and he poked one
+round. "'For Woun-ded He-roes,'" he
+read out with pride and great deliberation.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>He</i> can't read very well," said Jill,
+who was a wee bit jealous. "It doesn't
+mean dead. It only means wounded."</p>
+
+<p>But Jack smiled at me understandingly,
+refusing to argue with anything
+so small as Jill, and they departed,
+counting the spoil.</p>
+
+<p>At the gate Jack turned and came
+back. "If you have more than four
+children," he said earnestly, "I could
+bring you some more paper ones."</p>
+
+<p>I think they must have had a successful
+day.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"BAPTISMAL TROUSERS AND GOWNS</h3>
+
+<p class="center1">
+FOR MINISTERS.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>Used throughout Wales for 40 years."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Baptist Times.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind1">As the posters should have said, "It is
+worse than unpatriotic, it is bad form,
+to wear new clothes in war-time."</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page396" id="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">THE EPIGRAM.</h2>
+
+<p>George and I had been discussing
+the prospect for elderly and slightly
+shop-soiled <i>littérateurs</i> under present
+circumstances. The result was not
+wholly enlivening.</p>
+
+<p>"If I had a few hundreds clear,"
+said George at last, "I'd give up Fleet
+Street and start a farm. I've always
+loved the country."</p>
+
+<p>"My dear George," I answered,
+speaking slowly, "for a man to
+take a farm because he loves the
+country is to make a master of
+what should remain a mistress."</p>
+
+<p>Just like that. Because I was
+going slowly I was able at the
+last moment to substitute the
+word "mistress" for "servant,"
+which would have been merely
+banal. Not till then did I recognise
+the bright perfection of the
+completed remark. No wonder
+George stared enviously.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that out of?" he
+asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing as yet." But I had
+already determined that it should
+not long remain unset. I mean,
+in these days one simply can't
+afford to go chucking gems about
+in gratuitous conversation. The
+difficulty was what exactly to do
+with it.</p>
+
+<p>The sparkling <i>causerie</i> was
+my first idea. That evening I
+refilled my fountain-pen, opened
+a fresh packet of foolscap, and
+began:&mdash;</p>
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">Agriculture and Æsthetics.</span></h4>
+
+<p>"It has been wittily observed
+that for a man to start farming
+because&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But there the adverb began to
+worry me. After all, perhaps it
+wasn't quite so witty as I had
+hoped, or at least others might
+not think it so. And in any case
+I got no personal credit. Subsequent
+pages recorded other
+attempts, as&mdash;"Who was the
+cynical philosopher who&mdash;&mdash;?"
+or "It may perhaps be objected
+by the prudent that for a man to
+start&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>After this I must have decided against
+starting at all, for nothing more came
+of the <i>causerie</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My next attempt took the form of
+fiction. I resolved to enshrine the
+masterpiece in a short story. "The
+Farm that Failed" seemed to me, and
+does still, an attractive title. You see
+the idea of it? Pastoral humour;
+George, as an amateur husbandman,
+scored off by sheep and confused by
+cows. Arrival of town friend, <i>Amber
+Dextrius</i>, on visit. Some sort of love
+interest. And finally the Epigram.
+"Ah, my dear fellow," said <i>Dextrius</i>,
+as he flung away his cigarette, "after
+all you have only proved the great truth
+that&mdash;&mdash;" And so on.</p>
+
+<p>It looked promising. I hardly know
+why I abandoned it. Perhaps the love
+interest proved an obstacle. Perhaps
+I feared lest George (that good sort)
+should detect himself and be hurt.
+Anyhow it got no further.</p>
+
+<p>The inspiration that followed had
+even less fortune. It is represented by
+a sheet headed:&mdash;</p>
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">The Bucolics.</span></h4>
+
+<h4>(<i>A Fantastic Comedy in Five Acts.</i>)</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<span class="sc">Act I.</span>&mdash;<i>Morning-room of</i> Lord Amber
+Dextrius' <i>house in Hill Street, W.
+A large luxuriously-furnished apartment.
+Doors in right and left wall.
+Two doors in back wall. Three windows
+also in back wall. The light
+is that of a brilliant morning in
+May.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Enter</i> Lord Amber, <i>a handsome faultlessly-dressed
+man of about five-and-thirty.
+He walks towards the
+door</i> <span class="sc">L</span>."</p>
+
+<p>But he never reached it. Perhaps
+an entire ignorance of what he should
+do when he got there paralysed him,
+as it did his creator. After all, you can
+hardly run a five-Act comedy on
+stage directions and a single epigram,
+though I admit that the
+attempt has been made.</p>
+
+<p>So there the thing rested.
+From time to time I had wild
+ideas of advertising it in the
+literary papers: "For sale, original
+epigram, mint condition,
+wide application, never been used.
+Cheap; or would accept typewriter,
+or workable film-plots."
+But even then I might have no
+offers. I began to think that my
+little property was going to prove
+unrealisable.</p>
+
+<p>But only yesterday something
+happened.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm awfully sorry, dear," said
+Ursula, entering the study with
+an air of contrition. "It isn't
+my fault; but the Carter girls are
+here having tea, and the eldest
+one has brought her birthday-book."
+She held out the detestable
+little volume as she
+spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"You know perfectly well that
+I never&mdash;&mdash; Is the eldest the
+one with dark eyes?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that's the girl. She's
+going to be a lady-gardener."</p>
+
+<p>It was like a voice from heaven.
+"For this once," I said benevolently,
+"I will make an exception."
+I took the book, already
+open at some absurd date in April,
+and wrote in a clear hand:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"The professional horticulturist
+should beware lest he (or she)
+make that a master which should
+remain a mistress."</p>
+
+<p>Ursula read it twice. "It's
+awfully clever," she said, "and
+on the spur of the moment too!
+I can't imagine how you think of these
+things."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, they just come," I said.
+So it was not wholly wasted, though
+I own I should have preferred cash
+on delivery. Still we can't have
+everything.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">FLOWERS FOR THE RED CROSS.</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/396-700.png"><img src="images/396-400.png" width="400" height="571" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Lines written for the Catalogue of the Royal Horticultural
+Society's Exhibition to be held at the Society's
+Hall in Vincent Square, on June 27, 28 and 29, for the
+benefit of the Red Cross.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Think not that Earth unheeding lies</p>
+<p class="i2">Tranced by the summer's golden air,</p>
+<p>Indifferent, under azure skies,</p>
+<p class="i2">What blows of War her children bear.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>She that has felt our tears like rain,</p>
+<p class="i2">And shared our wounds of body and soul,</p>
+<p>Gives of her flowers to ease our pain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Gives of her heart to make us whole.</p>
+  </div>   <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i26">O. S.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A Swiss cinematograph periodical learns
+that the hissing of the Kaiser's picture occurred
+decently at one of the largest cinema houses
+in Berlin."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Evening Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">One of the few decent things the
+Prussians have done in this War.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page397" id="page397"></a>[pg 397]</span>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/397-1500.png"><img src="images/397-600.png" width="600" height="433" alt="Recruiting Sergeant (to Brown). Are you in a controlled establishment?" /></a>
+<p><i>Recruiting Sergeant (to Brown).</i> "<span class="sc">Are you in a
+controlled establishment?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, he is&mdash;and has been for twenty years.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">THE TEACHER TAUGHT.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Essay-writing in my schooldays certainly was not my forte;</p>
+<p>"Lack of concentration" always figured in the term's report,</p>
+<p>And my undistinguished diction made my worthy master snort.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now enlisted as an usher&mdash;so a freakish fate ordains&mdash;</p>
+<p>I employ my best endeavours and the remnant of my brains</p>
+<p>Setting and correcting essays written by scholastic swains.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Whether they derive advantage from this mental interplay,</p>
+<p>Modesty, if not misgiving, makes it hard for me to say,</p>
+<p>But I'm much inclined to fancy that it's just the other way.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Anyhow, from this experience I have learned a lot of things</p>
+<p>Hidden from the ken of scholars or Prime Ministers or Kings,</p>
+<p>Though revealed to youthful schoolboys lately freed from leading-strings.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>On the relative importance of the classics, "maths," and "stinks";</p>
+<p>On the charm of pink-hued ices, on the choice of gaseous drinks;</p>
+<p>On the special sort of sermon which induces forty winks;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>On the various ways of pulling pompous seniors by the leg;</p>
+<p>On effective ways of bringing uppish juniors down a peg;</p>
+<p>On the scientific mode of blowing any kind of egg;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>On the forms of condescension which the human boy insult;</p>
+<p>On the picture-palace mania, on the <span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span> cult;</p>
+<p>On the latest modern weapons which supplant the catapult&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>On these elemental matters, and indeed on many more,</p>
+<p>I have now accumulated quite a valuable store</p>
+<p>Of instructive, entertaining and authoritative lore.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And I hope, on my returning to my humdrum normal life&mdash;</p>
+<p>When we've scotched the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>'s yearning after sanguinary strife&mdash;</p>
+<p>Fortified by modern learning, to electrify my wife.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Van</span> (sleeping), on iron wheels, to accommodate two men, not
+under 12ft. by 6ft."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Herald.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">Such giants should certainly go in the van.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Resuscitation.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind3">Extract from official memo.:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"This man has been medically examined ... with the result
+that he is believed to be feigning decease. The penalty attached to
+trial by C.M. on this charge has been explained to him, and he
+has elected to return to duty."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>In the Line of Methuselah.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In France the northern men were accorded high honours. Louis
+had a bodyguard of twenty-four Scotsmen, and this band continued
+in existence as a Royal guard to nine monarchs for one hundred and
+fifty years."             <i>The War Illustrated.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">What happened at this point of their interesting career
+we are not told&mdash;possibly they went into the Reserves.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page398" id="page398"></a>[pg 398]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">WAR RISKS OF AN UNCLE.</h2>
+
+<p>I have been made a fool of by the
+Government. No, you needn't all hold
+up your hands at once. Mine Was
+different from yours. I have always
+looked upon myself as an efficient uncle,
+but now&mdash;well, one more incident of this
+kind and I shall be definitely <i>passé</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The technique of being an uncle I
+mastered quite early. For instance, at
+stated seasons in the year I choose with
+some concentration two toys and two
+improving books. The toys I give to
+my nieces, Lillah and Phyllis; the
+books I send to a hospital. In the same
+spirit, when I take them for a treat
+and they over-eat themselves, I simply
+finance the operation and at the same
+time buy a large bottle of castor oil
+and send it anonymously to St. Bartholomew's.
+You see the idea? It is
+simply technique. I have explained
+this system to Margaret, their mother.
+But she is not one who sees reason
+very easily.</p>
+
+<p>In spite of opposition, however, I
+continue to do my duty.</p>
+
+<p>In this spirit I dashed into the nursery
+the other day and declared my afternoon
+and my finances at the service of
+Lillah and Phyllis. Margaret definitely
+forbade a cinema, from a curious notion
+that their patrons consisted exclusively
+of bacilli. So Lillah and Phyllis declared
+at once for <span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span> or
+nothing. This was only natural, so I
+bought two tickets for the latest exhibition
+of War cartoons and sent them to
+my Aunt Julia at Harpenden. Then I
+took the children to the Pictures.</p>
+
+<p>This is just to show you that I know
+my job. But mark now how Fate
+rushed me on to destruction.</p>
+
+<p>"Uncle James," said Lillah, "I love
+you!"</p>
+
+<p>I braced myself up.</p>
+
+<p>"So do I," said Phyllis.</p>
+
+<p>It looked like trouble.</p>
+
+<p>"Can we go and see the tin soldiers
+before they go to bed?" said Lillah.</p>
+
+<p>"The horseback ones," added Phyllis.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, this was too simple: a nice quiet
+look at the guardians of Whitehall, with
+perhaps a glimpse for the infant mind
+of the vast resources of the British
+Empire; a word in season, perhaps,
+from Uncle James; and a detailed
+report to Margaret of instruction combined
+with amusement.</p>
+
+<p>Of course we went.</p>
+
+<p>"This," I said, as Phyllis gazed
+round-eyed at one of the motionless
+warriors&mdash;"this is but a symbol of the
+dignity of that great Empire upon
+which the sun&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Soldiers," said Phyllis with a wisdom
+beyond her years, "like girls to
+look at them ever so long."</p>
+
+<p>Then she went away to Lillah, and I
+saw them with their heads close together.
+A wonderful thing, the child-mind.
+Only beginning perhaps, but
+they were learning doubtless to think
+imperially. The foundation of that
+pride of race&mdash;&mdash;? I broke the thread
+of thought and looked up. Instantly I
+was gibbering with horror.</p>
+
+<p>Phyllis, standing on tiptoe and clinging
+precariously to his saddle-cloth, was
+dropping a roll of paper neatly into the
+jackboot of Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"Phyllis!" I gasped. "What are
+you doing?"</p>
+
+<p>She turned to me happily.</p>
+
+<p>"That's what Nannie does," she
+said, without a blush for her sex. "I
+put 'I love you.&mdash;<span class="sc">Phyllis.</span>' Do you
+think he'll be pleased?"</p>
+
+<p>I seized both girls and hurried into
+the Park. My soul cried out for the
+open spaces. I stole a look at Hercules
+over my shoulder, but he was granite.</p>
+
+<p>On Olympus the Olympians are
+above shame.</p>
+
+<p>"Phyllis," I said gravely, "don't you
+think that was very naughty of you?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said that small Delilah firmly;
+"soldiers like it."</p>
+
+<p>The even voice of Lillah broke in.</p>
+
+<p>"And soldiers ought to have what
+they like, oughtn't they?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," I answered patriotically.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then," said Phyllis crushingly.</p>
+
+<p>"If I had done that I should feel
+very much ashamed of myself," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you didn't," said Lillah, and
+that finished it.</p>
+
+<p>They evidently had an offensive and
+defensive alliance against this sort of
+thing.</p>
+
+<p>"If your mother," I began.</p>
+
+<p>"Sand!, Sand!" shrieked Phyllis.</p>
+
+<p>"Sand,", echoed Lillah, and both
+children were gone.</p>
+
+<p>They had just noticed the present
+possibilities of the empty lake as a
+substitute for Margate. Two best
+frocks! Essentially a moment for
+efficiency.</p>
+
+<p>I stepped firmly across the railings.
+And there the British Government
+stepped in. I turned to regard a
+policeman (out-size).</p>
+
+<p>"May I call your attention to this,
+Sir?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>I gazed at the notice like a fish:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="center">"ONLY CHILDREN ARE ALLOWED<br /> ON THE BED OF THE LAKE."</p>
+
+<p>It is still there; you can go and see
+it for yourself. I argued, I entreated.
+Either the constable had a sense of
+humour (and should be reported) or
+else a perverted sense of duty.</p>
+
+<p>A crowd collected. Out of the corner
+of my eye I could see those two best
+frocks.</p>
+
+<p>"As usual," I said bitterly but with
+dignity, "the British Government is
+too late."</p>
+
+<p>By the time I had persuaded the
+children that tea was superior to sand
+castles their clothes&mdash;but no, why repeat
+what Margaret said? I'm sure
+she regretted it when I had gone.</p>
+
+<p>But my reputation as an uncle of
+any technical knowledge is finished.</p>
+
+<p>I was so moved that I even forgot
+my gift to St. Bartholomew's after tea&mdash;and
+now I am writing a personal
+letter to Mr. <span class="sc">Samuel</span> about that notice
+in the Park.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE ROUTE MARCH.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>In Training.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>We've got our foreign-service boots&mdash;we've 'ad 'em 'alf a day;</p>
+<p>If it wasn't for the Adjutant I'd sling the brutes away;</p>
+<p>If I could 'ave my old ones back I'd give a fortnight's pay,</p>
+<p class="i6">And chuck 'em in the pair I got this morning!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We've marched a 'undred miles to-day, we've 'undreds more to go,</p>
+<p>An' if you don't believe me, why, I'll tell you 'ow I know&mdash;</p>
+<p>I've measured out the distance by the blister on my toe,</p>
+<p class="i6">For I got my foreign-service boots this morning!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We've got our foreign-service boots&mdash;I wish that I was dead;</p>
+<p>I wish I'd got the Colonel's 'orse an' 'im my feet instead;</p>
+<p>I wish I was a nacrobat, I'd walk upon my 'ead,</p>
+<p class="i6">For I got my foreign-service boots this morning!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We're 'oppin' and we're 'obblin' to a cock-eyed ragtime tune,</p>
+<p>Not a soul what isn't limpin' in the bloomin' 'ole balloon.</p>
+<p>But buck you up, my com-e-rades, we're off to Flanders soon,</p>
+<p class="i6">For we got our foreign-service boots this morning!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The full tale of the German losses is
+being sedulously concealed. Their battered
+ships are licking their wounds under the
+Kaiser's moustache, which has been badly
+singed."&mdash;<i>The Star.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind1">It is thought that by this time they
+have had quite enough of his lip.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"No further infantry attack had been delivered
+by either side in this area between
+June 3rd and June 5th. At least four battleships
+belonging to three different German
+regiments have been identified as having
+taken part in the original attack."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind3"><i>Newcastle Daily Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind1">Now we understand why the Germans
+were in such a hurry to get home from
+Jutland.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page399" id="page399"></a>[pg 399]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/399-1500.png"><img src="images/399-600.png" width="600" height="412" alt="Town Lady. 'By-the-by, Sir William, do tell me." /></a>
+<p><i>Town Lady.</i> "<span class="sc">By-the-by, Sir William, do tell me. I've
+been wondering all the afternoon how you tell the time
+by this sundial.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>If you only like listening to a talker with whom you
+agree, who is of your type and school, then don't bother
+with <i>What is Coming?</i> (<span class="sc">Cassell</span>), which purports to
+be <span class="sc">H. G. Wells's</span> forecasts of things after the War. It's
+perhaps hardly so serious as that, but just good speculative
+talk, the kind that offers the first thing that is signalled to
+the lips from a quick reflective brain without pauses to
+consider objections by the way. Yet perhaps, after all, the
+author cannot be dismissed too lightly as a prophet. He
+did see further into the air than most, at the time when the
+experts were blandly proving all sorts of impossibilities;
+and, as he recalls, he made a lucky shot in foretelling the
+immobility of trench warfare. He still believes in the
+<span class="sc">Bloch</span> deadlock, and gives victory to the Allies merely for
+better staying power. For British training and method he
+naturally has nothing but scorn, which takes him further
+than most of us can follow him. At least when he says
+that the university-trained class has been found "under the
+fiery test of war an evasive, temporising class of people,
+individualistic, ungenerous and unable either to produce or
+obey vigorous leadership," he badly needs to justify the
+confining of that diagnosis to <i>that</i> particular class. And
+when he further says of British administration of subject
+territories that "the British are a race coldly aloof. They
+have nothing to give a black people and no disposition to
+give"&mdash;well, it isn't an obvious truth. These are blemishes
+of a kind to which a quick-thinking man, a little too anxious
+to set everybody right by wholesale methods, is naturally
+subject. But you will miss a good deal of fresh-air sanity,
+of illumination (for the man <i>can</i> see and find the vivid
+phrase to express his vision) on war and peace and education
+and feminism and internationalism and citizenship, if you
+let yourself be alienated by such lapses. So please don't.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>"If only those old things could speak, what stories, etc.,
+etc.!" Most of us, at one time or another, have endured
+or inflicted that well-intentioned banality. And here is
+Miss <span class="sc">Marjorie Bowen</span>, most skilful of historical romancers,
+setting out to tell us precisely what stories. She calls her
+volume <i>Shadows of Yesterday</i> (<span class="sc">Smith</span>, <span class="sc">Elder</span>), explaining
+in a preface that is by no means the least attractive chapter
+that they are supposed to be the histories attached to a
+collection of antique oddments in a little Italian museum.
+No one who remembers with what persuasive charm
+Miss <span class="sc">Bowen</span> has handled her long costume novels will be
+astonished at the atmosphere with which she manages to
+invest these little episodes; a ring, a jewel, a <span class="sc">Charles II.</span> jug&mdash;these
+are the materials out of which by aid of fancy she
+recreates the past. Of the lot, I myself should give the
+palm to the jug's story, a spirited little thing enough, in
+which a country maid, awaiting in a cottage the coming of
+a lover, whom she knows as "Lord Anthony," meets
+instead my Lady <span class="sc">Castlemaine</span>, who tells her that the
+defaulting swain is really His Majesty, and explains that
+there exist (to put it tactfully) certain prior engagements
+of the royal affection. The end is a brilliant comedy
+stroke, which I will not spoil by anticipation for you. It
+is this capacity for the unexpected that saves Miss <span class="sc">Bowen</span>
+from the danger, obviously inherent in her plan, of being
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page400" id="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span>
+too tightly bound down by the need of forcing her catalogue
+of relics into prominence. She has done larger work, but
+nothing more agreeable.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>I could not, if I would, apply quite the customary
+severities of criticism to <i>Twilight</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>). It is too
+personal, and the death of its author, the clever woman
+who elected to be known as <span class="sc">Frank Danby</span>, is too fresh in
+memory for me to regard it with detachment. It is one of
+the tragedies of literature that only in her last two books,
+this and the one that preceded it, did the author give the
+world a taste of her true quality. There is evidence in
+<i>Twilight</i> of gifts that might well have raised its writer to
+a place among the greatest. But frankly it is not possible
+to consider it apart from the circumstances of its origin.
+Two stories there are in it: one personal, autobiography at
+its most intimate; the other a work of imagination. It is
+supposed that the writer, a woman novelist, wrecked with
+disease and the drugs that bring endurance, goes down into
+the country and there becomes
+obsessed with the
+history of another woman,
+in circumstances much like
+to her own, who had once
+lived and loved in the same
+remote house. So, side by
+side, you have the two
+tragedies, one of the sick
+bed, one of the soul, both
+told with an incisive and
+compelling art, and with a
+realism often painful. But,
+as at once a document of fact
+and imagination, the book
+is perhaps unique. Certainly
+no one can read it
+without feeling that the
+death of its author has left
+literature poorer by the loss
+of a personality whose real
+power was yet to be shown.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>The demand for an
+eleventh edition of Lord
+<span class="sc">Ernest Hamilton's</span> book,
+<i>The First Seven Divisions</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hurst and Blackett</span>) is no
+more than a deserved tribute
+to what has already taken rank as the best history, so far,
+of the most critical period of the World War. Lord <span class="sc">Ernest
+Hamilton</span> writes as one having authority. He tells the
+facts as he knows them&mdash;facts in many cases hitherto
+undisclosed, and given here with adequate detail and just;
+enough of explanation to make the account clear even to the
+most unmilitary reader. There has been no attempt by the
+writer to embellish his theme. It remains a simple story
+of sheer heroism, told in a straightforward soldierly manner&mdash;and
+the reading of it must make the most unemotional
+Briton feel the thrill of pride and pity and gratitude.
+"Nothing," says the writer, "can ever surpass, as a story
+of simple sublime pluck, the history of the first three
+months of England's participation in the Great War." This
+is what you can follow day by day in these pages. There
+are many new maps in the present edition, which greatly
+help to explain the situation, as it developed from Mons,
+through the battle of the Marne, to the trenches before
+Ypres. I can only say that I hope there will soon be few
+school libraries in which this most inspiring book has not
+an honourable place.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/400-900.png"><img src="images/400-500.png" width="500" height="413" alt="Elderly Gentleman (alone in a compartment with fully-armed soldier, next stop one hour)." /></a>
+<p><i>Elderly Gentleman (alone in a compartment with fully-armed soldier,
+next stop one hour).</i> "<span class="sc">Excuse me, my man, but your face is
+strangely familiar to me.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Soldier (with meaning).</i> "<span class="sc">Quite likely, Sir, seein' as you were
+the gent in the Tribunal who made game of me bein' a conscientious
+objector. But you'll be glad to 'ear I've changed
+my mind, and I ain't <i>now</i> got any objection to takin' 'uman life.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>When Mr. <span class="sc">Frankfort Moore</span> is not out to be funny I
+enjoy his novels, and <i>The Rise of Raymond</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>)
+is pleasantly free from humorous intent. <i>Raymond's</i>
+father, a cheap house-furnisher by trade, was a terribly
+blighting person of peculiar religious views. By rod and
+rote he tried to instil his narrow creed into his son, and
+the latter's suffering during this process is revealed all the
+more forcibly because it is not unduly insisted upon.
+Though <i>Raymond</i> has his quiverful of virtues, one's
+powers of belief in them, though taxed heavily enough, are
+not super-taxed. It may seem curious that this young
+man, whose vocation it was during some of the best years
+of his life to handle and sell uninspiring things like linoleum,
+should have had artistic tastes; but as the reason for
+this endowment is not given away until the very end of
+the story I prefer not to give it away at all. In contrast
+to the scorn and ridicule scattered over the puritanical sect
+of which <i>Raymond's</i> parents were members, the Church of
+England parson, <i>Mr. Bosover</i>, receives a very warm pat on
+the back. "The tradition
+of gentleman is kept alive
+by the English parson. He
+is the only remaining interpreter
+of that ancient
+<i>culte</i>." So now you know.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><i>A Woman in the Balkans</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) is a book of
+which the publishers very
+properly observe that it
+"will undoubtedly make a
+wide appeal at the present
+moment." These are times
+when the records of anybody
+intelligent "in the
+Balkans" must be attractive
+reading; and Mrs. <span class="sc">Will
+Gordon</span> (<span class="sc">Winifred Gordon</span>)
+is not only intelligent,
+but&mdash;what is even more important
+in the writer of a
+popular memoir&mdash;excellent
+good company. Her vivid
+account of her pre-War
+travels in Serbia, Bulgaria,
+and Roumania gives one the
+feeling of being the fortunate
+friend of a correspondent
+whose views on home-writing are not confined to
+picture post-cards. In short a pleasant, not too professional,
+record of adventure and observation. The many
+excellent photographs that illustrate it are in precisely
+the same style, being, many of them, the successful little
+snapshots of an artistic amateur, such as often convey a
+far better impression of places and people than the more
+ambitious products of expert science. Not all the pictures,
+however, are from the writer's own camera. Two, which,
+with a grim sense of drama, are placed next to each other,
+represent the Coronation of King <span class="sc">Peter</span> of Serbia, and the
+tragic ride of the Monarch from his invaded country. There
+is a whole tremendous chapter of European history in the
+contrasted pictures. Small wonder if books about the
+Balkans should make "a wide appeal."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind3">From a trade circular:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Since the beginning of the War we have encouraged our men to
+enlist, and have filled their places with girls of military ineligibles."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">But why not give the girls of our fighting men a chance?</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, June 14, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 ***
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+June 14, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 14, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 10, 2012 [EBook #38824]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150
+
+JUNE 14, 1916
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The German IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR'S Reichstag speech with regard to the
+Battle of Jutland was, according to _The Daily Mail_, delivered with
+"an eye on Washington." Not GEORGE, of course.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to the German official announcement, the sinking of the
+_Luetzow_ was concealed for "military reasons." It is only reasonable
+to assume that other and larger prevarications concerning the North
+Sea battle may be ascribed to "naval reasons."
+
+       * * *
+
+A remarkable omission from the German account of the Naval battle off
+Jutland is observed. There is no mention of the destruction of H.M.S.
+_Blockade_.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to the Croydon Public Library Committee, "readers are
+turning to Thackeray, Dickens, George Eliot and Jane Austen for relief
+from war worry." This authoritative statement will come as a great
+shock to Mr. BALFOUR, who appears to have been under the impression
+that WINSTON CHURCHILL was the popular author of the moment.
+
+       * * *
+
+Under the heading, "Fish-shaped Zeppelin," _The Daily Mail_, quoting
+the Zurich correspondent of the _Nieuwe Courant_, describes a monster
+supposed to have been recently launched by the Germans, which fires
+an aerial torpedo weighing 420 lbs. a distance of nine miles. We
+ourselves would have preferred the heading, "Fish-shaped Story."
+
+       * * *
+
+An A.B., fresh from the Naval fight, had read a statement in the Press
+that the KAISER had given three Hochs! for his Navy. "Well, I don't
+give a Dam for it!" said the British tar.
+
+       * * *
+
+The President of the Republic of San Domingo has resigned, "to save
+the State from armed American intervention." We fear that somebody has
+been pulling the gentleman's leg.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Pall Mall Gazette_ on the Jumble Sale at the Caledonian Market:
+"But there were bargains for everybody, whether it was an elephant or
+a daintily bejewelled carrier, a Paris hat or a three-year-old, or a
+motor-car, or an elephant." One of the lady helpers, discovering at
+the last moment that she had a duplicate elephant, appears to have
+brought it along just in time to catch our contemporary before it went
+to press.
+
+       * * *
+
+In connection with the occupation of Fort Rupel by the Bulgarians it
+is announced that General SARRAIL is taking the "necessary steps." Yet
+we cannot be blind to the fact that it would have been better to have
+forestalled the enemy and taken the necessary front-door.
+
+       * * *
+
+At a meeting of the Church Reading Union at Sion College, Sir FRANCIS
+FOX, J.P., said that a boy who was arrested for setting fire to a
+church had told him that he "had seen it on the cinematograph." This
+statement has drawn a spirited protest from a number of our leading
+film manufacturers, who point out that the thing could not possibly
+have happened, as in all their dramas they have always made it a rule
+never to burn anything less expensive than a cathedral.
+
+       * * *
+
+An advertisement from _The Times:_ "Very stout gentleman, ineligible
+Army, requires permanent engagement to act for Cinema. Had some
+experience in comedy pictures; fatter than any other movey actor;
+weight 22 stone; exceptional opportunity for British producers, but
+willing go abroad." What about an exchange, on a weight basis, with
+America, who might send us Sir HERBERT TREE and CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
+
+       * * *
+
+At the Bow County Court a man who was questioned regarding his
+occupation said that he was a tinsmith, a carrier, a job-buyer,
+a milkman and a general dealer; that he was training about
+120 carrier-pigeons for the Government and also did a bit of
+prize-fighting. There the matter seems to have ended, but one cannot
+help thinking that a really expert cross-examiner would not have let
+him go without finding out what he did in his spare time.
+
+       * * *
+
+Reports from all the agricultural districts refer in glowing terms to
+the cheerful manner in which women workers on the farms are carrying
+on their duties. We are, however, informed that in one district a
+woman voluntary worker was heard to express the opinion that she
+would be more keen upon her part of the work if the ground were not so
+horribly far down.
+
+       * * *
+
+The popularity of police passes is due to the fact that they can often
+be kept and used as a testimonial to character. Thus a well-known
+Irishman of county family, on applying for a pass to England, received
+the following: "Mr. ---- is known to all the police of the county, and
+they consider him a fit man to leave Ireland."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Member of the Royal Flying Corps (first day out of
+hospital)._ "SPEED UP, MAN--SPEED UP!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Decline of Chivalry.
+
+    "The Minister for Lands, the Minister for Agriculture, and the
+    Under-Secretary for Agriculture paid a visit to the old Zoo
+    at Moore Park, and decided to adopt the suggestion that it be
+    utilised as a horticultural college for women students. It is
+    expected the animals will take up their new quarters by July
+    next."--_Australian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Headline to an account of German outrages in the Baltic:--
+
+    "HENS ANNOYING SWEDES."
+
+  _Rand Daily Mail._
+
+This quite takes us back to the LLOYD GEORGE of the old days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SWEET maid (experienced) for restaurant."
+
+  _Scottish Paper._
+
+
+We hope she knows her KINGSLEY:--"Be good, sweet maid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Gas Attack?
+
+    "With whatever object, offensive or defensive, the German
+    General Staff is concentrating all EGGS SEVENPENCE EACH."
+
+  _Glasgow Evening Times._
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Kind Motherly Person wanted urgently to mind baby girl during
+    day; easy distance from Reservoir:."--_Auckland Star._
+
+So, if the child becomes too troublesome----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To the Memory
+
+of
+
+Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener.
+
+BORN JUNE 24TH, 1850.
+
+DIED ON SERVICE JUNE 5TH, 1916.
+
+  Soldier of England, you who served her well
+    And in that service, silent and apart,
+  Achieved a name that never lost its spell
+          Over your country's heart;--
+
+  Who saw your work accomplished ere at length
+    Shadows of evening fell, and creeping Time
+  Had bent your stature or resolved the strength
+          That kept its manhood's prime;--
+
+  Great was your life, and great the end you made,
+    As through the plunging seas that whelmed your head
+  Your spirit passed, unconquered, unafraid,
+          To join the gallant dead.
+
+  But not by death that spell could pass away
+    That fixed our gaze upon the far-off goal,
+  Who, by your magic, stand in arms to-day
+          A nation one and whole,
+
+  Now doubly pledged to bring your vision true
+    Of darkness vanquished and the dawn set free
+  In that full triumph which your faith foreknew
+          But might not live to see.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_HERR VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and FRAU VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG._)
+
+_She._ You are late again, Theobald. How often must I----
+
+_He._ Oh, please do not worry me, my dear Martha. After what I have
+been forced to go through it is a wonder that I am here at all.
+
+_She._ What--have you been seeing _him_ again? I thought he was away
+with one of the armies and you would be having a holiday.
+
+_He._ So did I think; but it was not to be. Holiday, indeed! When do I
+ever get even a moment in which to think my own thoughts?
+
+_She._ At any rate I hope he acknowledged what Germany owes to you.
+Where would he have been, I wonder, if it had not been for your
+constant devotion to his service throughout this terrible time? Does
+he realise what that has meant for him and his?
+
+_He._ Kaisers never realise anything. That's my experience of one of
+them, at any rate. If you flatter them they smile on you and take all
+the credit of your work. But I am not cut out of that sort of wood,
+and the result is that he looks at me as if he had bitten into a lemon
+by mistake. You know that look, don't you?
+
+_She._ Yes, my poor Theobald, I know that look. It makes everything
+black and uncomfortable. But if he is like that and does not consider
+your feelings, why do you continue to serve him? You should assert
+yourself, and if he does not improve you should send in your
+resignation. After all there are better things in the world than to be
+Chancellor to a man who does not appreciate your work.
+
+_He._ Of course I have thought of that, but I have put the idea aside.
+If I were to resign now it would only give joy to my enemies, and they
+are the last people in the world to whom I wish to give joy. He
+won't get rid of me just yet, for he finds me too useful as a
+lightning-conductor. Still, I know that some day he'll give me a push
+by sending me a letter condoling with me on the state of my health,
+and then good-bye to the office of Chancellor.
+
+_She._ And, for my part, Theobald, I hope that time will come soon,
+though I shudder to think what will become of the country when you go.
+However, we won't talk of that any more. Tell me rather what he has
+been saying to you to-day.
+
+_He._ Oh, to-day he was displeased with my speech in the Reichstag.
+
+_She._ Displeased with that beautiful speech so sun-clear and
+patriotic! Why, the man must be mad. Never in all my life have I read
+anything so patriotic and convincing. What _does_ he complain of?
+
+_He._ What does he not complain of? First, he is angry that I defend
+myself against attacks made in an anonymous pamphlet.
+
+_She._ Then I am sure he wrote it himself or inspired it.
+
+_He._ I have not the evidence to prove that, but it is, of course,
+possible. It would be just like him to play me a trick like that.
+But what chiefly provoked his anger was what I said about the naval
+battle.
+
+_She._ Yes, I remember you said that England was not thereby defeated.
+If you will pardon me, Theobald, I myself thought that this was a rash
+statement.
+
+_He._ So you're going to turn against me too, are you? It was a true
+statement, whatever he or you may say. They lost ships, yes, and we
+lost ships too, and we can afford to lose ships much less that the
+English can. What is the use of pretending that we've won the War
+and beaten down England because our sailors shot straight and fought
+bravely? So did the English, and they've got more ships left than we
+have, more's the pity.
+
+_She._ But _he_ has made a glorification speech about it, hasn't he?
+
+_He._ Yes, he has. In another day or two he will have worked himself
+up to the point of believing that he commanded our ships in the
+battle. I know him; but he needn't think _I_'m going to encourage him
+in this laughable pretension.
+
+_She._ Do not think about him any more, but go to bed and have a good
+sleep.
+
+_He._ I will try, but the telephone will ring, I am sure, and he will
+command me to come and see him. (_The telephone rings._) There, I told
+you so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Is it true that the KAISER intends to confer upon Admiral VON SCHEER
+the title of Baron von Sheer-off?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Classicists.
+
+    "Another relic was a torpedo propeller. 'It came from a German
+    submarine that got into an awkward place rather foolishly--but
+    de mortibus, and the rest of it.'"--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Never mind about the rest of it. "De mortibus" is enough, thank you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Deep down in the ship I came across a strange sight. Some
+    twenty or thirty boys, seated at desks, were being taught
+    the mysteries of compound fractures by a petty
+    officer."--_Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+As a preliminary to teaching the German Fleet the art of recurring
+decimation?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Private Willie----has returned from France looking extremely
+    robust and well. He will, I understand, enter for a course of
+    instruction at Baal College, Oxford, before proceeding again
+    to the front."--_Irish Paper._
+
+As this new foundation, originally intended no doubt for the German
+Rhodes Scholars, has apparently been diverted to better use, the
+authorities might now alter the name.
+
+[Illustration: UNCONSCIOUS CANDOUR.
+
+_German Father._ "Can't we see our victorious fleet?"
+
+_Official._ "No, you can't. Nobody can!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR WAR PHOTOGRAPHER ON THE CORNISH RIVIERA.
+
+THE SALONIKA SENTRY.
+
+_Voice from the house._ "IF YOU KEEP YOUR FATHER OUT TOO LONG HE'LL BE
+CATCHING ANOTHER NASTY COLD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPY TRAIL.
+
+The milkman told Jimmy that the KAISER was like a gambler who had
+mortgaged his resources up to bursting point, and now with every tooth
+drawn was chewing the bitter dregs of remorse to the bone. The milkman
+says these things come to him whilst he is milking, and the reason is
+that when he presses his head to the cow's side the heat of the cow
+thaws the blood in his brain for a time.
+
+He told Jimmy that he could make a speech with anybody when he had got
+his brain like that, and that he thought of addressing meetings, but
+that the cow would be uneasy on a public platform.
+
+Then he looked round to see where Jimmy's bloodhound, Faithful, was.
+You see Faithful sometimes makes the milkman's horse try to get into
+the milk-cart and hide its head under the seat, you know, like an
+ostrich in the dreary desert when it is pursued by its enemies. But
+Faithful was chained up for the sake of the deaf-and-dumb woman who
+comes round once a fortnight. The deaf-and-dumb woman has a blind
+husband, who squeezes a concertina whilst she shakes some coppers in a
+tin cup at you. Jimmy's mother always gives her sixpence.
+
+Jimmy says bloodhounds don't like coppers jumping about in tin cups;
+it makes them harbour resentment, and then you have to show people
+where the piece came out of your dress. The milkman told Jimmy that he
+had met the deaf-and-dumb woman that morning. She was all by herself
+in one of his fields, practising "Where is my wandering boy to-night"
+Her husband had enlisted, that was why, and she had sold the business.
+Jimmy wanted to see the woman, but she never came past, so he went
+down to the railway-station with Faithful to see if she were there.
+But there was only a man with a parcel under his arm looking about for
+a train.
+
+Jimmy says that people often go to the station like that, just to see
+if there is a train in it; they want to use up their return tickets,
+Jimmy says. But there is only the porter to look at, Jimmy says. The
+man seemed to think the porter was hiding the trains somewhere, and
+asked him for a _Bradshaw_. Jimmy says the porter scratched his head
+so hard that Jimmy thought he would get a splinter in his finger,
+you know, like they tell you at school, and then he fetched the man a
+bradawl. "Didn't he ask me for a gimlet and didn't I bring him one?"
+the porter appealed to Jimmy.
+
+Jimmy says the man was very rude to the porter; he said things you
+have to be sorry about when you have time to think them over. Jimmy
+says the man actually made the porter unlock the waiting-room door and
+throw open the window, although the porter told him that he had a hen
+sitting on some eggs there.
+
+The man seemed very restless, Jimmy says, because he didn't stay long
+in the waiting-room. You see Jimmy's bloodhound wanted to see what the
+hen smelt like, and how it was getting on; but the hen was not quite
+herself that day, and would keep on flying about the waiting-room at
+Faithful, just to try and vex him.
+
+Jimmy says Faithful did his best to get the hen to go back and be busy
+sitting on eggs again, but she wouldn't listen to reason.
+
+Jimmy says the man tried to throw the waiting-room at Faithful and the
+hen, so Faithful came out through the window, until the furniture
+had settled down. Bloodhounds are like that, Jimmy says, they avoid a
+disturbance; Faithful is a very good avoider, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says he thinks one of eggs must have been addled, and come
+undone in the excitement of the moment, by what the man said. He
+didn't seem to like addled eggs much, Jimmy says, and he called
+Faithful an animal.
+
+There was a luggage train due, and Jimmy thought he would just see it
+come in and then take Faithful away, when on looking round he saw that
+his bloodhound had suddenly thrown himself on the Spy trail. He
+kept sniffing at the parcel the man had placed on the seat, and then
+sniffed hard at the man; after that he sat down and scratched himself
+whilst he compared the sniffs. Jimmy says it is splendid to see a
+prize bloodhound sifting evidence like that; Faithful is a very good
+sifter, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says the man picked up the parcel and put it under his arm; you
+could see he was anxious by the way he kept one foot drawn back at the
+ready. But Jimmy knows all about parcels under people's arms; you do
+it with a fishing-line, and it is a surprise to cure people when they
+have got the hiccough.
+
+What you have to do is to get the fishing-line ready, and when the
+train comes in to the station you tie one end of the line to one of
+the railway trucks, and then, if you are lucky, you manage to hook the
+other end through the string of the parcel.
+
+Jimmy says that when you see the parcel you are carrying suddenly jump
+from under your arm and go bumping along after the train as it goes
+out of the station, you forget to hiccough.
+
+You can do it with buns in refreshment rooms or with the green baize
+on bookstalls--it only depends on who has got the hiccough, Jimmy
+says.
+
+Jimmy says the man hadn't got the hiccough, but he was very surprised
+to see his parcel start chasing the luggage train; it was because of
+its activity, Jimmy says. Jimmy was on the bridge watching. Jimmy says
+the parcel gave a squeak every time it bumped, and Faithful followed
+the squeak all down the platform, and when the parcel burst he hurled
+himself at it.
+
+It was the blind man's concertina! and when Jimmy saw Faithful emerge
+with the deaf-and-dumb label which the woman used to wear he ran for a
+policeman as hard as he could.
+
+The man wanted the policeman to take Jimmy in charge for destroying
+his property, Jimmy says. He explained to the policeman about the
+concertina; he said he had bought it from a woman who did not know its
+value, and that it was a genuine "Strad."
+
+Jimmy says the policeman might have let the man off if it hadn't been
+for the porter. You see when the man's parcel was bumping along after
+the train, the man opened his mouth so wide that some German words
+fell out, and the porter had heard them. The porter knows German,
+Jimmy says; he learned it before the War began from a German whose
+luggage he had put into the wrong train.
+
+When the German spy was searched it was found that he hadn't much
+money, and the policeman said he must have bought the concertina and
+label to try to get people to give him money and so work his way to
+the coast.
+
+It turned out afterwards that he had escaped from a concentrated camp,
+Jimmy says. When Jimmy told the milkman about it, the milkman said
+that it was "Ha, ha, one more feather plucked from the horde of German
+rats that pollute the air with their diabolical designs."
+
+He was just telling Jimmy that the KAISER was standing on the brink of
+a deep abscess, when he heard Jimmy's bloodhound taking his horse home
+to put it to bed, and this disturbed his flow of thought.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Mess Bore (innocent of small gunpowder plot)._
+"DEPEND UPON IT, SIR, THERE'LL BE SOMETHING HAPPENING QUITE SOON NOW,
+AND NEARER THAN WE THINK FOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A testimonial:--
+
+    "I have much pleasure in recommending Mrs. D---- as a very
+    efficient masseuse after breaking my wrist."
+
+It was the least she could do to put it right.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUPER-LUTHERAN CHURCH.
+
+    [_The Taegliche Rundschau_ has published an article by Judge
+    VON ZASTROW, of Berlin, on the Future National Church. It is
+    to unite religion and love of the Fatherland; to reconcile
+    the Sermon on the Mount with war; to make room for Pietists,
+    Materialists, and Laodiceans; and to remove all sectional and
+    sectarian differences. In short, the Church will bathe itself
+    in "the new streams of German power, it will drink from the
+    water which will make our German Will strong and healthy for
+    battle. Our German piety, our German Christianity will assume
+    an heroic colouring, in place of the sentimental tone which
+    has hitherto characterised it."]
+
+  When the fighting is finally over,
+    And victory smiles on our land,
+  And we 're living in comfort and clover,
+    We must take our religion in hand;
+  We must make it heroic and German,
+    With "Fatherland-love" as its fount;
+  We must reconcile War with the Sermon
+      Once preached on the Mount.
+
+  'Twill embrace the disciples of HAECKEL'S
+    Monistic material creed,
+  The Mammonite worship of shekels,
+    The gospel of hunger and greed;
+  And the layman, so Laodicean,
+    No more his devotions will shirk,
+  But will kneel with the mild Manichean,
+      The amiable Turk.
+
+  In fine, there'll be nothing sectarian
+    In Germany's National Church;
+  And the pedants, Pelagian and Arian,
+    Will be knocked from their petulant perch;
+  All paltry divisions 'twill level
+    That tend to enfeeble the Hun,
+  And the worship of God and the Devil
+      Will merge into one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss ---- has a sweet voice.... Perhaps her greatest appeal
+    was simplicity and an entire lack of effectiveness."
+
+  _"Journal," Meriden, Conn._
+
+
+We have singers just like that in the old country, too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lieutenant ---- is reported wounded by the War
+    Office."--_Liverpool Daily Post._
+
+He is not the only one who has been hurt by this agency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED immediately for Boys' Industrial School (temporarily
+    and possibly permanently), an All-round Tanner."--_Natal
+    Mercury._
+
+There is evidently a good deal of leathering to be done.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From JACK LONDON'S _A Son of the Sun_:--
+
+    "She had been hung up by one arm in the sun for two days and
+    nights."
+
+Somewhere north of the Arctic Circle, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNCHARTED SEAS.
+
+He boarded the 'bus just as it was leaving Piccadilly Circus. "Full
+ahtside," chanted the conductor, so the A.B. squeezed into a totally
+inadequate space between a girl of sixteen and an elderly and
+benevolent-looking lady. Squaring himself forward, he placed a hand
+like a boxing-glove on either knee and glanced genially up and down
+the 'bus. He was a large man, dark and hairy, and it was quite easy
+to associate him with pigtails, tar and cutlasses. After the first
+impression there came to one a sense of something odd and un-nautical.
+Then one became suddenly aware that, instead of the regulation Navy
+cap, he was wearing a rough woollen tam-o'-shanter, which hung coyly
+over one ear.
+
+A thin man in a top-hat was the first to notice it.
+
+"Still pretty cold in the North Sea?" he ventured, with an eye upon
+the tam-o'-shanter.
+
+"So I've 'eard," the sailor replied guardedly; "but this 'ere," he
+touched his headgear, "ain't an Arctic brow-mitten. I got this from
+a friend, 'avin' lost me own little 'at jest after the second torpedo
+was fired."
+
+"Gracious!" ejaculated the elderly lady, and the occupants of the 'bus
+became magnetised to attention.
+
+"Now that's extremely interesting," exclaimed the thin man with a
+nervous movement of his hand; "could you tell us the name of the
+ship?"
+
+"Can't say as I can, Sir," was the discouraging reply.
+
+"Of course not, of course not," spluttered a testy old gentleman in
+white spats; "a very injudicious question in a public conveyance." He
+glared at the thin man with intention.
+
+"Sort o' fancy name she 'ad," the sailor continued, quite unmoved by
+this outburst; "fact she was a bit fancy all round."
+
+"Ha! disguised, I presume?" exclaimed the old gentleman, his
+discretion for a moment overcome.
+
+"Did she float for any length of time after being torpedoed?" The thin
+man put the question with a legal incisiveness.
+
+"Went to pieces like a paymaster's digestion as soon as the second
+mouldy got 'er. Most unnatural."
+
+He rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand and ruminated on the
+peculiarity of it.
+
+"I suppose you got dreadfully wet?" the elderly lady asked feelingly.
+
+"Well, Mum," he said gravely, "I wasn't exactly dry. Yer see, after
+the show sharp squalls set in from the Sou'-west, an' me 'avin' made
+fast to my mate's bow awnin', I 'adn't no claim to the umbereller. So
+I did get a bit soused round the superstructure, but not, so to speak,
+flooded right down to my propeller casins."
+
+"Dear! dear! How truly terrible."
+
+She relapsed into silence convulsively, while the old gentleman
+wheezed with great ferocity and muttered something about a good answer
+to a d----d silly question.
+
+"A submarine, of course?" The thin man pursued his examination
+relentlessly.
+
+"So we presoomed from events which 'appened later."
+
+"Artful them blinkin'--beg pardon, ladies--pirits is," vouchsafed a
+man of toil from the far end of the 'bus; "my brother wot's----"
+
+"All this occurred at night, I assume?" the old gentleman interrupted
+snappily.
+
+"Yes, Sir, it was an evenin' performance." He glanced out into
+the murky night. "Put me down at Sydney Terrace," he said to the
+conductor.
+
+"Wy, ye're there nah," grumbled that caustic individual as he jerked
+sharply at the bell-cord.
+
+"Well," exclaimed the thin man as the sailor rose to go, "I
+congratulate you very heartily on your good luck--very heartily
+indeed!"
+
+For the first time the hero of the incident seemed to exhibit signs of
+impatience.
+
+"Good luck!" he repeated sarcastically. "Call it good luck to 'ave
+your cap pinched out o' the 'arf-dollar seats an' then 'ave to take
+yer best girl 'ome in this crabbin' _chappoo_. I'm goin' to see the
+brass-'atted owner to-morrow, an' if 'e don't pay out I'll wreck
+the 'ole bloomin' theatre. Good luck, yer call it!" He swung off the
+foot-board and disappeared into the gloom, muttering incoherently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"He--he!" tittered the flapper. It was the only audible comment on the
+situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A War Office statement this afternoon reports another
+    successful operation by Australian and New Zealand mounted
+    troops in Egypt.
+
+    At the enemy port of Barsalmana the enemy were compelled to
+    abandon their camp, and were then combed by aeroplane."
+
+  _Liverpool Echo._
+
+
+An appropriate sequel to a brush with the Cavalry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If you stand the piano out into the room, you will want a
+    cur-choke soup, mayonaise of lamb, macaroni with tomatoes."
+
+  _Ladies' Paper._
+
+
+In the interests of the cur it would be more merciful to keep the
+piano in the corner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUESTION AND ANSWER.
+
+I.
+
+"A GENTLEMAN seeking information for forthcoming book about the recent
+developments and inventions in Glass and Pottery manufacture, also
+Bottle-making, would be pleased to hear from anyone capable of
+furnishing such information."--_The Times._
+
+II.
+
+DEAR SIR,--It is very fortunate that I caught sight of your
+advertisement, for I am just the man you need. You want to know all
+about bottles and things. I can tell you.
+
+Let us begin with pottery.
+
+Pottery is made in the Five Towns, a district in the Midlands to which
+references may be found by the industrious, using a microscope, in the
+works of Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, the famous Caledonian Market salesman.
+How it is made I have not room here to indicate, but its effect on
+those who make it is to fill their lives with romance and excitement.
+Thus, if they don't become Town Councillors for Hanbridge they join
+the School Board at Hanley; and if they are not taking the new tram to
+Burslem they are catching the fast train to Manchester at Knype.
+
+And now for glass.
+
+Glass is an invisible substance made in some mysterious way. It is
+used for a multiplicity of things, but principally for windows and
+bottles. It is when used for windows that its special quality of
+transparency comes in so happily, for it enables you to see through.
+This, when it is the window of a hat shop and you are out with your
+wife or fiancee, is not an unmixed blessing, but at other times it
+can be very convenient. Thus, when looking through the window, oneself
+being carefully concealed behind the blind, one can see undesirable
+callers approaching and beat a safe retreat. Windows can also be shut,
+both in houses and railway carriages, and thus keep the place warm and
+pleasantly insanitary and comfortable. It has been said that the pure
+air of many German towns is due to the fact that the Germans keep
+their windows shut.
+
+Glass is also used for the chimneys of lamps, which, when the wick
+is turned up too high, as it usually is, break. It is employed
+furthermore in the manufacture of glass eyes, which, as all who have
+visited _A Kiss for Cinderella_ know, do not always match the real
+ones.
+
+But the best thing that glass does is to become bottles. Bottles are
+of two kinds: one kind for medicine, and the less said about those
+the better; and the other for wine. It was a happy thought which
+substituted glass for the skin and leather of which earlier bottles
+were made, for one can now see, by holding it to the light, how little
+the bottle contains, and order another. The principal fault of bottles
+is that they are rarely big enough. A half-bottle does not contain
+sufficient for one, and a whole bottle rarely satisfies two. Some men
+are so lost to shame as to set only one bottle of wine before three or
+even four persons.
+
+Before the War old bottles were used chiefly as targets in rifle
+saloons. Now that they have become scarce, and targets are made in
+Germany, they are worth money and should be carefully saved.
+
+Glass is useful also for making glasses--the receptacles from which
+wine is drunk. Without glasses we should be hard put to it to consume
+our liquor and should have to resort to half-cocoanuts, cups, the
+hollow of the hand, or even sponges.
+
+Just at the moment bottles--I mean the more genial variety--are under
+a cloud. It is a penal offence to sell a bottle before noon, between
+half-past two and half-past six, and after half-past nine at night.
+But they are expected to come to their own again when Peace is
+celebrated.
+
+I think that is all.
+
+  Yours, etc.,
+  FIRST AID.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Niece._ "HURRAH, AUNTIE! TED HAS BEEN MADE A
+LANCE-CORPORAL!"
+
+_Auntie._ "I DO WISH TED WOULD BE CONTENT WITH BEING A SOLDIER, AND
+NOT GO IN FOR THESE FORMS OF NOTORIETY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+XIX.--HAYMARKET.
+
+  I went up to the Hay-market upon a summer day,
+  I went up to the Hay-market to sell a load of hay--
+  To sell a load of hay and a little bit over,
+  And I sold it all to a pretty girl for a nosegay of red clover.
+
+  A nosegay of red clover and a hollow golden straw;
+  Now wasn't that a bargain, the best you ever saw?
+  I whistled on my straw in the market-place all day,
+  And the London folk came flocking for to foot it in the hay.
+
+XX.--THE ANGEL.
+
+        The Angel flew down
+        One morning to town,
+  But didn't know where to rest;
+    For they shut her out of the East End
+  And they shut her out of the West.
+
+        The Angel went on
+        To Islington,
+  And there the people were kinder.
+    If ever you go to Islington
+  That's where you will find her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those who _do_ hold the victory--BEATTY _possidentes_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+    "---- & SON, WINDOW-CLEANERS. We spare no panes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Optimists.
+
+    "As a result of Wednesday's battle the strength of the British
+    Fleet is now greater, not relatively, but absolutely, than it
+    was."
+
+  _Daily Telegraph._
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ships in WOLFF'S clothing: the "victorious" German Fleet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Villagers here are heartily congratulating Mr. Charles Gibbs
+    on his marvellous escape from the great North Sea Battle,
+    from one of our lost cruisers. He reached home on Sunday, and
+    brings with him a portion of a shell that pierced his cap,
+    and an engine of the vessel tattered in the conflict."--_Thame
+    Gazette._
+
+"Some" souvenir.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Germans are using guns twenty-one centimetres in length,
+    which can be fired from railway lines and transported with
+    facility."
+
+  _Westminster Gazette._
+
+
+This appears under the heading, "Big Guns the Deciding Factor." But
+should it not have been "Pocket Pistols"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Talking parrots from 12s. 6d., 3 months' trial."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+After that you get used to it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, MAN for Tipping Russian Army by hand, piece work."
+
+  _Northampton Chronicle._
+
+
+It should be rather a long job.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'AVE YOU FETCHED DOWN MANY ZEPPERLEANS THIS MORNING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+U.A.
+
+It is very odd how suddenly and completely a new idea gets about.
+Yesterday you had never heard of it, or not in any way to take notice
+of it; to-day you hear about it consciously for the first time, and
+to-morrow it is a commonplace of conversation.
+
+It is so with U.A.
+
+I had, of course, heard of U.A. as a menace, a hidden terror, the
+old man's dread, the _bon vivant's_ heritage, and so forth. But
+only vaguely. No one had talked about it; I had seen the words in
+advertisements and had forgotten them again. I had never associated
+myself with them. Whatever might happen to me, U.A. would be
+unrepresented.
+
+And then the blow fell. Suddenly U.A. became omnipresent. I met a
+friend who only last week I had found doing himself with his customary
+thoroughness at dinner. This evening he was dining again, but his sole
+companion was a chilly and depressing bottle of French natural water.
+
+"What is this?" I asked. "War economy?"
+
+"No," he said; "merely U.A."
+
+I should have thought little of that were it not that half-an-hour
+later I overheard two men talking about the difficulty of getting rid
+of U.A. once it had established itself.
+
+Another man, to whom I complained of some trifling discomfort, said it
+was probably U.A.
+
+An hour later I was sitting at a farce which, like all the farces in
+London at the present moment, is the funniest thing ever staged--only
+this, if the management is to be believed, is more so; and the only
+thing I was able to laugh at was a joke about U.A.
+
+The next morning I received a letter from a solicitous relation
+warning me to be more careful or I should be at the mercy of U.A.
+
+And to crown all I went to see a doctor about something really quite
+negligible, and, after beginning by conjecturing that it was due to
+U.A., he ended by feeling certain of it.
+
+He asked me a hundred questions about myself, and after every reply he
+said either, "That's U.A.," or "U.A. again."
+
+"Almost everything that is wrong with people," he said finally, "is
+caused by U.A."
+
+I came away feeling thoroughly fashionable, but also dejected beyond
+words, for he had condemned me to a _regime_ from which every spark of
+happiness was excluded.
+
+I have since become a source of embarrassment to my friends, for more
+than half the nice things that everyone else eats and all the nice
+things that they drink are denied me. U.A. forbids.
+
+Wine--oh no. Spirits--not on your life. Underdone beef--poison.
+Tobacco--very unwise. And so forth.
+
+As for my own kitchen, which does not think very quickly, it considers
+me mad; and after one of the melancholy meals that are now my lot I am
+disposed to agree.
+
+The question I ask myself is, Which is it to be--a long life of
+joyless food and no U.A., or a shorter but merrier life with U.A.
+thrown in? And "What's the harm in a little U.A. anyway?" I say as I
+light a forbidden cigar.
+
+However I answer the great problem, of one thing I am certain, and
+that is that with all this U.A. about there ought to be a restaurant
+with enough intelligence to provide an anti Uric Acid menu.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of the German assaults at Verdun:--
+
+    "The last regiment, which attacked in ass formation, was
+    terribly handled."
+
+We understand that it was not led by the CROWN PRINCE in person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THAT the new Service Act will decimate the Hythe Town Band.
+
+    THAT when the call has been answered there will only be five
+    members left."
+
+  _Kentish Express._
+
+
+The present strength of the Hythe Town Band appears to be 5-5/9: five
+men and five tailors?
+
+[Illustration: THE LOST CHIEF.
+
+IN MEMORY OF FIELD-MARSHAL EARL KITCHENER, MAKER OF ARMIES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wife._ "I _QUITE_ AGREE THAT DISCHARGED SOLDIERS
+SHOULD HAVE A MEDAL, OR SOME DISTINGUISHING BADGE. IT REALLY HAS BEEN
+MOST UNPLEASANT FOR ME SOMETIMES WHEN I HAVE SPOKEN TO LIKELY-LOOKING
+MEN, ONLY TO FIND THEY HAVE ALREADY SERVED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAFETY-VALVE.
+
+The trouble started a week ago, when the eagle eye of a Very Great Man
+chanced on a piece of paper lying in the neighbourhood of our camp.
+On being hastily summoned, I could not offhand give any reasonable
+explanation of its presence. To any lesser personage I should
+undoubtedly have proved it to belong to one of the A.S.C. people who
+live next door; but as it was I could only agree that it was a piece
+of paper, and as such was serving no useful purpose.
+
+Two days later the blow fell. The V.G.M. would inspect the camp, and
+us in full marching order, the following day.
+
+In the meantime we had learnt that several neighbouring camps had been
+tried thus, found wanting, and soundly strafed. From them we gleaned
+some useful hints:--
+
+    (1) That any unnecessary oddments, human or other, left lying
+    about in the camp would be certain to elicit caustic comment;
+
+    (2) That tired or dissipated-looking animals, soiled harness
+    or lustreless buttons would probably bring about atmospheric
+    changes on parade; and
+
+    (3) That pieces of paper would mean indefinite home leave for
+    somebody.
+
+It was still moonlight when our cloud of skirmishers was abroad. The
+camp is entirely on soft sand, so that burying is a beautifully
+simple operation. In every tent parties could be seen rapidly putting
+home-made chairs, beds, boxes, tins and cooking utensils below ground.
+Personally I was fastening my less sleek mules to a somewhat soiled
+waggon, collecting odd men who wouldn't be nice for the great to see,
+and despatching the lot behind a neighbouring wood. They looked very
+like a troupe of roving gipsies. A sentry was posted in case the
+V.G.M. should come round the wood, when the troupe would, with
+infinite stealth, track round in his wake.
+
+Eventually the camp was an absolute picture--not a superfluous
+article in view; kits dressed with mathematical exactitute; cookhouse
+spotless, with a faultlessly attired cook fingering his implements
+in the manner indicated in the text-book. On the horse-lines were
+stablemen, assiduously raking away at wisps of straw previously laid
+down for the purpose.
+
+He arrived about five minutes early, but the last tin of sardines was
+safely concealed, and we felt almost confident. We were inspected very
+minutely and asked seemingly ingenuous questions, each doubtless with
+a subtle trap for the unwary. I shivered when his horse pawed the
+ground and unearthed a bottle of Bass. I was also horrified to
+perceive the faces of several particularly grimy cook's mates
+continually popping round the edge of the wood. However, the
+inspection of the wagons concluded without untoward incident, and when
+the camp's turn came we felt we were on safe ground. We had that rare
+and comfortable feeling that nothing had been forgotten. I saw the
+Great Man start as his eye encountered the spotless scene. Then a look
+of grim determination was apparent as he began his tour, his glance,
+trained to an extraordinary pitch of perception, seeking its wonted
+prey. But no prey was forthcoming. Up and down the lines he went,
+peering into tents, digging at kits and deputing members of his
+retinue to test them for tooth-brushes. Exasperation gradually took
+the place of determination on his countenance. As he neared the end of
+his tour he was swelling very visibly and muttering to himself. We saw
+that some terrible eruption was about to occur, and we played our last
+card. At a sign from me a stealthy figure emerged from behind a
+bush, dropped a piece of orange peel and disappeared again. As the
+procession turned the last corner a wild light broke upon the face
+of the Central Figure. His step quickened as he approached the orange
+peel. He turned and cleared his throat. "This piece of orange peel,"
+he began, addressing our CO., and rapidly deflating the while. The
+situation was saved.
+
+We have a great reputation now, and intend to do "Inspections
+Complete" at a reasonable figure, inclusive of harness,
+bright-buttoned soldiers, guard for presenting arms, diggers, a
+concealed spot for unsightly men and appliances, and--our special
+line--a safety-valve.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SERVANT PROBLEM.
+
+"PLEASE, SIR, A GENTLEMAN CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT."
+
+"OH! WHAT WAS HIS NAME?"
+
+"DUNNO, SIR."
+
+"WHAT WAS HE LIKE? CAN YOU DESCRIBE HIM?"
+
+"NO, SIR."
+
+"WELL, HAD HE A FAIR MOUSTACHE?"
+
+"DUNNO, SIR. 'E 'AD IS 'AT ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEST SELLERS.
+
+I have seen many flag-days and met many flag-sellers. Some were false
+(they had flags with rusty pins and jabbed them treacherously into my
+best blouse), and many were frivolous (that sort doesn't trouble about
+old-maid customers); but of those who were neither false nor frivolous
+Jack and Jill stand easily first.
+
+I saw them coming up the garden path very early in the morning, Jack
+in a sailor suit and Jill in a minute white frock. Their combined ages
+might have totalled nine--at a generous guess.
+
+There was a furious ring at the door, and when I opened it a small
+brown hand was thrust in, full of flags, whose pins must have been
+very prickly to hold, while he of the sailor suit addressed me
+eagerly.
+
+"Look! This sort's a penny. It's paper. And this sort's thruppence.
+It's real silk. Which'll you have?"
+
+The hand held two silk and four paper flags. I took a silk one, and
+the girl nodded approval. "I think," said she, "the silk ones will
+_wear_ better."
+
+While I found my purse the boy had a sudden idea, which he instantly
+communicated with the sincere intention of doing the best he could
+for me. Said he, "You'd better have the bofe. You'll want one for
+your--for the father." And then he had a brighter thought still. "And
+the childrens. This paper kind would do for them. It's no use buying
+_good_ ones for them, is it?"
+
+"No, they're sure to lose them," agreed Jill. "You see, they're rather
+loose on their pins," she added with commercial candour.
+
+"Else they wouldn't waggle properly," put in the boy hastily, in case
+I might be thinking this a defect.
+
+"I'll take the lot," said I, "if you can tell me what it's all for."
+
+"You c'n see," said Jack, "it's on the back of them," and he poked
+one round. "'For Woun-ded He-roes,'" he read out with pride and great
+deliberation.
+
+"_He_ can't read very well," said Jill, who was a wee bit jealous. "It
+doesn't mean dead. It only means wounded."
+
+But Jack smiled at me understandingly, refusing to argue with anything
+so small as Jill, and they departed, counting the spoil.
+
+At the gate Jack turned and came back. "If you have more than four
+children," he said earnestly, "I could bring you some more paper
+ones."
+
+I think they must have had a successful day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BAPTISMAL TROUSERS AND GOWNS
+
+    FOR MINISTERS.
+
+    Used throughout Wales for 40 years."
+
+  _Baptist Times._
+
+
+As the posters should have said, "It is worse than unpatriotic, it is
+bad form, to wear new clothes in war-time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EPIGRAM.
+
+George and I had been discussing the prospect for elderly and slightly
+shop-soiled _litterateurs_ under present circumstances. The result was
+not wholly enlivening.
+
+"If I had a few hundreds clear," said George at last, "I'd give up
+Fleet Street and start a farm. I've always loved the country."
+
+"My dear George," I answered, speaking slowly, "for a man to take a
+farm because he loves the country is to make a master of what should
+remain a mistress."
+
+Just like that. Because I was going slowly I was able at the last
+moment to substitute the word "mistress" for "servant," which would
+have been merely banal. Not till then did I recognise the bright
+perfection of the completed remark. No wonder George stared enviously.
+
+"What's that out of?" he asked.
+
+"Nothing as yet." But I had already determined that it should not
+long remain unset. I mean, in these days one simply can't afford to
+go chucking gems about in gratuitous conversation. The difficulty was
+what exactly to do with it.
+
+The sparkling _causerie_ was my first idea. That evening I refilled my
+fountain-pen, opened a fresh packet of foolscap, and began:--
+
+"AGRICULTURE AND AESTHETICS.
+
+"It has been wittily observed that for a man to start farming
+because----"
+
+But there the adverb began to worry me. After all, perhaps it wasn't
+quite so witty as I had hoped, or at least others might not think
+it so. And in any case I got no personal credit. Subsequent pages
+recorded other attempts, as--"Who was the cynical philosopher
+who----?" or "It may perhaps be objected by the prudent that for a man
+to start----"
+
+After this I must have decided against starting at all, for nothing
+more came of the _causerie_.
+
+My next attempt took the form of fiction. I resolved to enshrine the
+masterpiece in a short story. "The Farm that Failed" seemed to me,
+and does still, an attractive title. You see the idea of it? Pastoral
+humour; George, as an amateur husbandman, scored off by sheep and
+confused by cows. Arrival of town friend, _Amber Dextrius_, on visit.
+Some sort of love interest. And finally the Epigram. "Ah, my dear
+fellow," said _Dextrius_, as he flung away his cigarette, "after all
+you have only proved the great truth that----" And so on.
+
+It looked promising. I hardly know why I abandoned it. Perhaps the
+love interest proved an obstacle. Perhaps I feared lest George
+(that good sort) should detect himself and be hurt. Anyhow it got no
+further.
+
+The inspiration that followed had even less fortune. It is represented
+by a sheet headed:--
+
+"THE BUCOLICS.
+
+(_A Fantastic Comedy in Five Acts._)
+
+    [ACT I.--_Morning-room of_ Lord Amber Dextrius' _house in Hill
+    Street, W. A large luxuriously-furnished apartment. Doors in
+    right and left wall. Two doors in back wall. Three windows
+    also in back wall. The light is that of a brilliant morning in
+    May._]
+
+_Enter_ Lord Amber, _a handsome faultlessly-dressed man of about
+five-and-thirty. He walks towards the door_ L."
+
+But he never reached it. Perhaps an entire ignorance of what he should
+do when he got there paralysed him, as it did his creator. After all,
+you can hardly run a five-Act comedy on stage directions and a single
+epigram, though I admit that the attempt has been made.
+
+So there the thing rested. From time to time I had wild ideas of
+advertising it in the literary papers: "For sale, original epigram,
+mint condition, wide application, never been used. Cheap; or would
+accept typewriter, or workable film-plots." But even then I might have
+no offers. I began to think that my little property was going to prove
+unrealisable.
+
+But only yesterday something happened.
+
+"I'm awfully sorry, dear," said Ursula, entering the study with an
+air of contrition. "It isn't my fault; but the Carter girls are here
+having tea, and the eldest one has brought her birthday-book." She
+held out the detestable little volume as she spoke.
+
+"You know perfectly well that I never---- Is the eldest the one with
+dark eyes?"
+
+"Yes, that's the girl. She's going to be a lady-gardener."
+
+It was like a voice from heaven. "For this once," I said benevolently,
+"I will make an exception." I took the book, already open at some
+absurd date in April, and wrote in a clear hand:--
+
+"The professional horticulturist should beware lest he (or she) make
+that a master which should remain a mistress."
+
+Ursula read it twice. "It's awfully clever," she said, "and on
+the spur of the moment too! I can't imagine how you think of these
+things."
+
+"Oh, they just come," I said. So it was not wholly wasted, though
+I own I should have preferred cash on delivery. Still we can't have
+everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS FOR THE RED CROSS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    [Lines written for the Catalogue of the Royal Horticultural
+    Society's Exhibition to be held at the Society's Hall in
+    Vincent Square, on June 27, 28 and 29, for the benefit of the
+    Red Cross.]
+
+  Think not that Earth unheeding lies
+    Tranced by the summer's golden air,
+  Indifferent, under azure skies,
+    What blows of War her children bear.
+
+  She that has felt our tears like rain,
+    And shared our wounds of body and soul,
+  Gives of her flowers to ease our pain,
+    Gives of her heart to make us whole.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Swiss cinematograph periodical learns that the hissing of
+    the Kaiser's picture occurred decently at one of the largest
+    cinema houses in Berlin."--_Glasgow Evening Times._
+
+One of the few decent things the Prussians have done in this War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant (to Brown)._ "ARE YOU IN A
+CONTROLLED ESTABLISHMENT?"
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ "YES, HE IS--AND HAS BEEN FOR TWENTY YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TEACHER TAUGHT.
+
+  Essay-writing in my schooldays certainly was not my forte;
+  "Lack of concentration" always figured in the term's report,
+  And my undistinguished diction made my worthy master snort.
+
+  Now enlisted as an usher--so a freakish fate ordains--
+  I employ my best endeavours and the remnant of my brains
+  Setting and correcting essays written by scholastic swains.
+
+  "Whether they derive advantage from this mental interplay,
+  Modesty, if not misgiving, makes it hard for me to say,
+  But I'm much inclined to fancy that it's just the other way.
+
+  Anyhow, from this experience I have learned a lot of things
+  Hidden from the ken of scholars or Prime Ministers or Kings,
+  Though revealed to youthful schoolboys lately freed from
+          leading-strings.
+
+  On the relative importance of the classics, "maths," and "stinks";
+  On the charm of pink-hued ices, on the choice of gaseous drinks;
+  On the special sort of sermon which induces forty winks;
+
+  On the various ways of pulling pompous seniors by the leg;
+  On effective ways of bringing uppish juniors down a peg;
+  On the scientific mode of blowing any kind of egg;
+
+  On the forms of condescension which the human boy insult;
+  On the picture-palace mania, on the CHARLIE CHAPLIN cult;
+  On the latest modern weapons which supplant the catapult--
+
+  On these elemental matters, and indeed on many more,
+  I have now accumulated quite a valuable store
+  Of instructive, entertaining and authoritative lore.
+
+  And I hope, on my returning to my humdrum normal life--
+  When we've scotched the KAISER's yearning after sanguinary strife--
+  Fortified by modern learning, to electrify my wife.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "VAN (sleeping), on iron wheels, to accommodate two men, not
+    under 12ft. by 6ft."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+Such giants should certainly go in the van.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Resuscitation.
+
+Extract from official memo.:--
+
+    "This man has been medically examined ... with the result that
+    he is believed to be feigning decease. The penalty attached to
+    trial by C.M. on this charge has been explained to him, and he
+    has elected to return to duty."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the Line of Methuselah.
+
+    "In France the northern men were accorded high honours.
+    Louis had a bodyguard of twenty-four Scotsmen, and this band
+    continued in existence as a Royal guard to nine monarchs for
+    one hundred and fifty years." _The War Illustrated._
+
+What happened at this point of their interesting career we are not
+told--possibly they went into the Reserves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR RISKS OF AN UNCLE.
+
+I have been made a fool of by the Government. No, you needn't all hold
+up your hands at once. Mine Was different from yours. I have always
+looked upon myself as an efficient uncle, but now--well, one more
+incident of this kind and I shall be definitely _passe_.
+
+The technique of being an uncle I mastered quite early. For instance,
+at stated seasons in the year I choose with some concentration two
+toys and two improving books. The toys I give to my nieces, Lillah and
+Phyllis; the books I send to a hospital. In the same spirit, when I
+take them for a treat and they over-eat themselves, I simply finance
+the operation and at the same time buy a large bottle of castor oil
+and send it anonymously to St. Bartholomew's. You see the idea? It
+is simply technique. I have explained this system to Margaret, their
+mother. But she is not one who sees reason very easily.
+
+In spite of opposition, however, I continue to do my duty.
+
+In this spirit I dashed into the nursery the other day and declared
+my afternoon and my finances at the service of Lillah and Phyllis.
+Margaret definitely forbade a cinema, from a curious notion that
+their patrons consisted exclusively of bacilli. So Lillah and Phyllis
+declared at once for CHARLIE CHAPLIN or nothing. This was only
+natural, so I bought two tickets for the latest exhibition of War
+cartoons and sent them to my Aunt Julia at Harpenden. Then I took the
+children to the Pictures.
+
+This is just to show you that I know my job. But mark now how Fate
+rushed me on to destruction.
+
+"Uncle James," said Lillah, "I love you!"
+
+I braced myself up.
+
+"So do I," said Phyllis.
+
+It looked like trouble.
+
+"Can we go and see the tin soldiers before they go to bed?" said
+Lillah.
+
+"The horseback ones," added Phyllis.
+
+Oh, this was too simple: a nice quiet look at the guardians of
+Whitehall, with perhaps a glimpse for the infant mind of the vast
+resources of the British Empire; a word in season, perhaps, from Uncle
+James; and a detailed report to Margaret of instruction combined with
+amusement.
+
+Of course we went.
+
+"This," I said, as Phyllis gazed round-eyed at one of the motionless
+warriors--"this is but a symbol of the dignity of that great Empire
+upon which the sun----"
+
+"Soldiers," said Phyllis with a wisdom beyond her years, "like girls
+to look at them ever so long."
+
+Then she went away to Lillah, and I saw them with their heads close
+together. A wonderful thing, the child-mind. Only beginning perhaps,
+but they were learning doubtless to think imperially. The foundation
+of that pride of race----? I broke the thread of thought and looked
+up. Instantly I was gibbering with horror.
+
+Phyllis, standing on tiptoe and clinging precariously to his
+saddle-cloth, was dropping a roll of paper neatly into the jackboot of
+Hercules.
+
+"Phyllis!" I gasped. "What are you doing?"
+
+She turned to me happily.
+
+"That's what Nannie does," she said, without a blush for her sex. "I
+put 'I love you.--PHYLLIS.' Do you think he'll be pleased?"
+
+I seized both girls and hurried into the Park. My soul cried out for
+the open spaces. I stole a look at Hercules over my shoulder, but he
+was granite.
+
+On Olympus the Olympians are above shame.
+
+"Phyllis," I said gravely, "don't you think that was very naughty of
+you?"
+
+"No," said that small Delilah firmly; "soldiers like it."
+
+The even voice of Lillah broke in.
+
+"And soldiers ought to have what they like, oughtn't they?"
+
+"Certainly," I answered patriotically.
+
+"Well, then," said Phyllis crushingly.
+
+"If I had done that I should feel very much ashamed of myself," I
+said.
+
+"Well, you didn't," said Lillah, and that finished it.
+
+They evidently had an offensive and defensive alliance against this
+sort of thing.
+
+"If your mother," I began.
+
+"Sand!, Sand!" shrieked Phyllis.
+
+"Sand,", echoed Lillah, and both children were gone.
+
+They had just noticed the present possibilities of the empty lake as
+a substitute for Margate. Two best frocks! Essentially a moment for
+efficiency.
+
+I stepped firmly across the railings. And there the British Government
+stepped in. I turned to regard a policeman (out-size).
+
+"May I call your attention to this, Sir?" he said.
+
+I gazed at the notice like a fish:--
+
+  "ONLY CHILDREN ARE ALLOWED
+  ON THE BED OF THE LAKE."
+
+It is still there; you can go and see it for yourself. I argued, I
+entreated. Either the constable had a sense of humour (and should be
+reported) or else a perverted sense of duty.
+
+A crowd collected. Out of the corner of my eye I could see those two
+best frocks.
+
+"As usual," I said bitterly but with dignity, "the British Government
+is too late."
+
+By the time I had persuaded the children that tea was superior to sand
+castles their clothes--but no, why repeat what Margaret said? I'm sure
+she regretted it when I had gone.
+
+But my reputation as an uncle of any technical knowledge is finished.
+
+I was so moved that I even forgot my gift to St. Bartholomew's after
+tea--and now I am writing a personal letter to Mr. SAMUEL about that
+notice in the Park.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROUTE MARCH.
+
+(_In Training._)
+
+  We've got our foreign-service boots--we've 'ad 'em 'alf a day;
+  If it wasn't for the Adjutant I'd sling the brutes away;
+  If I could 'ave my old ones back I'd give a fortnight's pay,
+        And chuck 'em in the pair I got this morning!
+
+  We've marched a 'undred miles to-day, we've 'undreds more to go,
+  An' if you don't believe me, why, I'll tell you 'ow I know--
+  I've measured out the distance by the blister on my toe,
+        For I got my foreign-service boots this morning!
+
+  We've got our foreign-service boots--I wish that I was dead;
+  I wish I'd got the Colonel's 'orse an' 'im my feet instead;
+  I wish I was a nacrobat, I'd walk upon my 'ead,
+        For I got my foreign-service boots this morning!
+
+  We're 'oppin' and we're 'obblin' to a cock-eyed ragtime tune,
+  Not a soul what isn't limpin' in the bloomin' 'ole balloon.
+  But buck you up, my com-e-rades, we're off to Flanders soon,
+        For we got our foreign-service boots this morning!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The full tale of the German losses is being sedulously
+    concealed. Their battered ships are licking their wounds under
+    the Kaiser's moustache, which has been badly singed."--_The
+    Star._
+
+It is thought that by this time they have had quite enough of his lip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "No further infantry attack had been delivered by either side
+    in this area between June 3rd and June 5th. At least four
+    battleships belonging to three different German regiments have
+    been identified as having taken part in the original attack."
+
+  _Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+
+Now we understand why the Germans were in such a hurry to get home
+from Jutland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Town Lady._ "BY-THE-BY, SIR WILLIAM, DO TELL ME.
+I'VE BEEN WONDERING ALL THE AFTERNOON HOW YOU TELL THE TIME BY THIS
+SUNDIAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+If you only like listening to a talker with whom you agree, who is
+of your type and school, then don't bother with _What is Coming?_
+(CASSELL), which purports to be H. G. WELLS'S forecasts of things
+after the War. It's perhaps hardly so serious as that, but just
+good speculative talk, the kind that offers the first thing that is
+signalled to the lips from a quick reflective brain without pauses
+to consider objections by the way. Yet perhaps, after all, the author
+cannot be dismissed too lightly as a prophet. He did see further into
+the air than most, at the time when the experts were blandly proving
+all sorts of impossibilities; and, as he recalls, he made a lucky shot
+in foretelling the immobility of trench warfare. He still believes in
+the BLOCH deadlock, and gives victory to the Allies merely for better
+staying power. For British training and method he naturally has
+nothing but scorn, which takes him further than most of us can follow
+him. At least when he says that the university-trained class has been
+found "under the fiery test of war an evasive, temporising class of
+people, individualistic, ungenerous and unable either to produce or
+obey vigorous leadership," he badly needs to justify the confining of
+that diagnosis to _that_ particular class. And when he further says of
+British administration of subject territories that "the British are
+a race coldly aloof. They have nothing to give a black people and
+no disposition to give"--well, it isn't an obvious truth. These
+are blemishes of a kind to which a quick-thinking man, a little too
+anxious to set everybody right by wholesale methods, is naturally
+subject. But you will miss a good deal of fresh-air sanity, of
+illumination (for the man _can_ see and find the vivid phrase to
+express his vision) on war and peace and education and feminism and
+internationalism and citizenship, if you let yourself be alienated by
+such lapses. So please don't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"If only those old things could speak, what stories, etc., etc.!"
+Most of us, at one time or another, have endured or inflicted that
+well-intentioned banality. And here is Miss MARJORIE BOWEN, most
+skilful of historical romancers, setting out to tell us precisely what
+stories. She calls her volume _Shadows of Yesterday_ (SMITH, ELDER),
+explaining in a preface that is by no means the least attractive
+chapter that they are supposed to be the histories attached to a
+collection of antique oddments in a little Italian museum. No one who
+remembers with what persuasive charm Miss BOWEN has handled her long
+costume novels will be astonished at the atmosphere with which she
+manages to invest these little episodes; a ring, a jewel, a CHARLES
+II. jug--these are the materials out of which by aid of fancy she
+recreates the past. Of the lot, I myself should give the palm to the
+jug's story, a spirited little thing enough, in which a country maid,
+awaiting in a cottage the coming of a lover, whom she knows as "Lord
+Anthony," meets instead my Lady CASTLEMAINE, who tells her that the
+defaulting swain is really His Majesty, and explains that there
+exist (to put it tactfully) certain prior engagements of the royal
+affection. The end is a brilliant comedy stroke, which I will not
+spoil by anticipation for you. It is this capacity for the unexpected
+that saves Miss BOWEN from the danger, obviously inherent in her plan,
+of being too tightly bound down by the need of forcing her catalogue
+of relics into prominence. She has done larger work, but nothing more
+agreeable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I could not, if I would, apply quite the customary severities of
+criticism to _Twilight_ (HUTCHINSON). It is too personal, and the
+death of its author, the clever woman who elected to be known as FRANK
+DANBY, is too fresh in memory for me to regard it with detachment. It
+is one of the tragedies of literature that only in her last two books,
+this and the one that preceded it, did the author give the world a
+taste of her true quality. There is evidence in _Twilight_ of gifts
+that might well have raised its writer to a place among the greatest.
+But frankly it is not possible to consider it apart from the
+circumstances of its origin. Two stories there are in it: one
+personal, autobiography at its most intimate; the other a work of
+imagination. It is supposed that the writer, a woman novelist, wrecked
+with disease and the drugs that bring endurance, goes down into the
+country and there becomes obsessed with the history of another woman,
+in circumstances much like to her own, who had once lived and loved in
+the same remote house. So, side by side, you have the two tragedies,
+one of the sick bed, one of the soul, both told with an incisive and
+compelling art, and with a realism often painful. But, as at once
+a document of fact and imagination, the book is perhaps unique.
+Certainly no one can read it without feeling that the death of its
+author has left literature poorer by the loss of a personality whose
+real power was yet to be shown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The demand for an eleventh edition of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S book,
+_The First Seven Divisions_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is no more than a
+deserved tribute to what has already taken rank as the best history,
+so far, of the most critical period of the World War. Lord ERNEST
+HAMILTON writes as one having authority. He tells the facts as he
+knows them--facts in many cases hitherto undisclosed, and given here
+with adequate detail and just; enough of explanation to make the
+account clear even to the most unmilitary reader. There has been no
+attempt by the writer to embellish his theme. It remains a simple
+story of sheer heroism, told in a straightforward soldierly
+manner--and the reading of it must make the most unemotional Briton
+feel the thrill of pride and pity and gratitude. "Nothing," says the
+writer, "can ever surpass, as a story of simple sublime pluck, the
+history of the first three months of England's participation in the
+Great War." This is what you can follow day by day in these pages.
+There are many new maps in the present edition, which greatly help to
+explain the situation, as it developed from Mons, through the battle
+of the Marne, to the trenches before Ypres. I can only say that I hope
+there will soon be few school libraries in which this most inspiring
+book has not an honourable place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Elderly Gentleman (alone in a compartment with
+fully-armed soldier, next stop one hour)._ "EXCUSE ME, MY MAN, BUT
+YOUR FACE IS STRANGELY FAMILIAR TO ME."
+
+_Soldier (with meaning)._ "QUITE LIKELY, SIR, SEEIN' AS YOU WERE
+THE GENT IN THE TRIBUNAL WHO MADE GAME OF ME BEIN' A CONSCIENTIOUS
+OBJECTOR. BUT YOU'LL BE GLAD TO 'EAR I'VE CHANGED MY MIND, AND I AIN'T
+_NOW_ GOT ANY OBJECTION TO TAKIN' 'UMAN LIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. FRANKFORT MOORE is not out to be funny I enjoy his novels,
+and _The Rise of Raymond_ (HUTCHINSON) is pleasantly free from
+humorous intent. _Raymond's_ father, a cheap house-furnisher by trade,
+was a terribly blighting person of peculiar religious views. By rod
+and rote he tried to instil his narrow creed into his son, and the
+latter's suffering during this process is revealed all the more
+forcibly because it is not unduly insisted upon. Though _Raymond_ has
+his quiverful of virtues, one's powers of belief in them, though taxed
+heavily enough, are not super-taxed. It may seem curious that this
+young man, whose vocation it was during some of the best years of his
+life to handle and sell uninspiring things like linoleum, should have
+had artistic tastes; but as the reason for this endowment is not given
+away until the very end of the story I prefer not to give it away
+at all. In contrast to the scorn and ridicule scattered over the
+puritanical sect of which _Raymond's_ parents were members, the Church
+of England parson, _Mr. Bosover_, receives a very warm pat on the
+back. "The tradition of gentleman is kept alive by the English parson.
+He is the only remaining interpreter of that ancient _culte_." So now
+you know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Woman in the Balkans_ (HUTCHINSON) is a book of which the
+publishers very properly observe that it "will undoubtedly make a wide
+appeal at the present moment." These are times when the records of
+anybody intelligent "in the Balkans" must be attractive reading; and
+Mrs. WILL GORDON (WINIFRED GORDON) is not only intelligent, but--what
+is even more important in the writer of a popular memoir--excellent
+good company. Her vivid account of her pre-War travels in Serbia,
+Bulgaria, and Roumania gives one the feeling of being the fortunate
+friend of a correspondent whose views on home-writing are not confined
+to picture post-cards. In short a pleasant, not too professional,
+record of adventure and observation. The many excellent photographs
+that illustrate it are in precisely the same style, being, many of
+them, the successful little snapshots of an artistic amateur, such
+as often convey a far better impression of places and people than
+the more ambitious products of expert science. Not all the pictures,
+however, are from the writer's own camera. Two, which, with a
+grim sense of drama, are placed next to each other, represent the
+Coronation of King PETER of Serbia, and the tragic ride of the Monarch
+from his invaded country. There is a whole tremendous chapter of
+European history in the contrasted pictures. Small wonder if books
+about the Balkans should make "a wide appeal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a trade circular:--
+
+    "Since the beginning of the War we have encouraged our men to
+    enlist, and have filled their places with girls of military
+    ineligibles."
+
+But why not give the girls of our fighting men a chance?
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, June 14, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 14, 1916 ***
+
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