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diff --git a/38786.txt b/38786.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c85510f --- /dev/null +++ b/38786.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1822 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, +Feb 3, 1872, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Feb 3, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 8, 2012 [EBook #38786] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 62. +FEBRUARY 3, 1872. + + + =PRIVATE SCHOOL CLASSICS.= + + (_Letter from a Lady._) + + [Illustration] + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +THOUGH you love to laugh, and we all love to laugh with you, I know that +you are kindness itself when an afflicted woman throws herself upon your +sympathy. This letter will not be quite so short as I could wish; but, +unless you have my whole story, you will not understand my sorrow. + +My boy, JOHNNY, is one of the dearest boys you can imagine. I send you +his photograph, though it does not half justice to the sweetness and +intelligence of his features; besides, on the day it was taken, he had a +cold, and his hair had not been properly cut, and the photographer was +very impatient, and after eight or nine sittings, he insisted that I +ought to be satisfied. I could tell you a hundred anecdotes of my boy's +cleverness, but three or four, perhaps, will be enough. + + [_More than enough, dear Madam. We proceed to the paragraph that + follows them._] + +His father, I regret to say, though a kind parent, does not see in +JOHNNY the talent and genius which I am certain he possesses. The child, +who is eleven years and eleven months old, goes (alas, I must say went) +to a Private Academy of the most respectable description. Only twelve +young gentlemen are taken, and the terms are about L100 a-year, and most +things extra. The manners of the pupils are strictly looked after; they +have no coarse amusements; and, to see them neatly dressed, going +arm-in-arm, two and two, for a walk, was quite delightful. I shall never +see them again without tears. + +My husband was desirous that JOHNNY should have a sound classical +education, and we believed--I believe still--that this is given at the +Private School in question. One evening during the holidays, my husband +asked JOHNNY what Latin Book he was reading. The child replied, without +hesitation or thought--"_Horace_." "Very good," said his father, taking +down the odious book. "Let you and me have a little go-in at _Horace_." +I went to my desk, _Mr. Punch_, and, as I write very fast, I resolved to +make notes of what occurred, for I felt that JOHNNY would cover himself +with glory and honour. _This_ is what occurred. Of course, I filled in +the horrid Latin, afterwards, from the book, which I could gladly have +burned. + +_Papa._ Well, let us see, my boy, suppose we take Hymn number xiv. You +know all about that? _Ad Rempublicam._ What does that mean? + +_Johnny._ O, we never learn the titles. + +_Papa._ Pity, because they help you to the meaning. But come, what's +_Rempublicam_? + +_Johnny._ I suppose it means a public thing. _Rem's_ a thing, and +_publicus_ is public. [Was not that clever in the dear fellow, putting +words together like that, _Mr. Punch_? Will you believe it, his Papa did +nothing but give him a grunt?] + +_Papa._ Go on. + + _O navis, referent in mare te novi + Fluctus. O quid agis?_ + + _Johnny._ O, navy, referring to the sea. I have known thee. + What will the waves do? + +[I thought this quite beautiful, like "_What are the Wild Waves +Saying?_"] + +_Papa._ Ah! Proceed. + + ----_fortiter occupa + Portum. Nonne vides_---- + + _Johnny._ Bravely occupy the door. + You see a nun. + +_Papa._ A nun, child. What do you mean? + +_Johnny._ A nun is a holy but mistaken woman, Papa, that lives in a +monastery, and worships graven images. [You see he had been +_beautifully_ taught.] + +_Papa._ But what word, in the name of anachronisms, do you make a nun? + +_Johnny._ _Nonne._ O, I forgot, Pa, that's French. [Instead of being +pleased that the child knew three languages instead of two, his Papa +burst out laughing.] + +_Papa._ Try this:-- + + _Et malus celeri saucius Africo, + Antennaeque gemant? ac sine funibus + Vix durare carinae + Possint imperiosius + AEquor?_ + + _Johnny._ And celery sauce is bad for an African, + And your aunts groan though there is no funeral, + And they could not be more imperious + If they had to endure a sea-voyage. + +_Myself._ Darling! Why don't you say something to encourage him, TOM? +It's delightful. + +_Papa._ Yes, it's encouraging. Go on, Sir. + + ----_non tibi sunt integra lintea; + Non di, quos iterum pressa voces malo._ + + _Johnny._ You have no large pieces of lint. + Do not die, though they again press you to say apple. + + _Papa. Nil pictis timidus navita puppibus + Fidit!_ + +_Johnny._ No sailor is frightened at the dogs in a picture he sees. + +_Papa._ _Fidit's_, he sees, eh? + + ----_Tu, nisi ventis + Debes ludibrium, cave._ + + _Johnny._ If it wasn't for the wind, + You ought to play in a cave. + +_Papa._ Ha! Well, here's the last; we may as well go through it. + +_Myself._ Papa! don't be so cross. + +_Papa._ Mind your letter-writing, will you? [But _I wasn't_ +letter-writing. I was making notes.] + + _Nuper sollicitum quae mihi taedium._ + + _Johnny._ Lately a solicitor was a great bore to me. + +_Papa._ [To do him justice, he recovered his good-humour and roared.] + +A great bore, was he? They _are_ bores sometimes. Now then-- + + _Nunc desiderium, curaque non levis._ + + _Johnny._ I do not care for the light of the stars. + +_Papa._ Hang it, JOHNNY, how do you get at "stars" in that line? + +_Johnny._ _De_, of, _siderium_, dative, no, genitive plural of _sidus_, +a star, Papa, and _levis_ is light. + + _Papa._ Finish. _Interfusa nitentes + Vites aequora Cycladas._ + +What do you make of that? "With an infusion of nitre the vines are equal +to Cyclops"--is that it? + +_Johnny._ I think so, Papa dear. The Cyclops were great giants, who +poked out the eye of Achilles with a hot stick, for throwing stones at +their ship. + +_Papa._ Go to bed! + +_Johnny._ What for, Papa? + +_Myself._ Yes, what for, TOM? I'm sure the dear fellow has done his best +to please you. + +_Papa._ You are right. It is I who ought to be sent to bed. All right, +JOHNNY. Let us have a game at the _Battle of Dorking_--get the board. +That's good fun. But L100 a-year, and _sollicitum_, a solicitor, isn't. +However, we'll alter that. + +And, dear _Mr. Punch_, he gave notice the very next day that JOHNNY +should not go back to the Private School, and is going to send him to a +College, to be starved, fagged, beaten, knocked down with cricket-balls, +trampled down at football, and taught to fight. + + Believe me, yours, + + AN UNHAPPY MOTHER. + + * * * * * + + =True Thomas of Chelsea.= + +IT was MR. CARLYLE who first revealed the existence of Phantasm +Captains, which many people refused to believe in, and laughed at the +notion of. What do they say now that a Board of Captains in command over +Captains and Admirals too is called by its own Secretary a Phantom +Board? Surely that THOMAS of Chelsea is a true Seer, and long since saw +through Simulacra which have, in truth, at last been discovered to be +transparent Shams. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: "THE OLD CLOCK ON THE STARE."] + + * * * * * + + EVENINGS FROM HOME. + +_MR. BARLOW, with MASTERS HARRY SANDFORD and TOMMY MERTON, visits +ASTLEY'S THEATRE, to see the Pantomime of "LADY GODIVA."_ + +"THIS," exclaimed HARRY, "is an exhibition which affords me, and indeed +appears to give to a vast number besides myself, the greatest +gratification. + +_Tommy._ I see, Sir, that _St. George_ appears in this story with _Lady +Godiva_; pray, Sir, who was _St. George_? + +_Mr. Barlow._ There have been, my dear TOMMY, various opinions on this +interesting subject, and some honest folks have sought to identify the +celebrated personage in question with a Butcher, who served bad meat to +the Christians in Palestine, while others have gone equally far towards +proving that he was no Butcher, but an Arian Bishop of Alexandria. +Whether Butcher, or Bishop, it was for a long time most difficult to +determine. + +_Harry._ But pray, Sir, why did not the antagonistic parties bring the +case into a Court of Law so as to obtain a decision. + +_Mr. Barlow._ Your own experience, HARRY, will, doubtless, one of these +days furnish you with sufficient reason for the persons interested not +having given employment to the gentlemen of the long robe. There was no +claimant to the title living, and there was nothing beyond a title to be +claimed; for, whether on the one hand (with EUSEBIUS) revering him as a +Saint, or, on the other (with GIBBON) abusing him as "the infamous +GEORGE," both sides admitted the object of their contention to have been +long since deceased. He is, however, the patron Saint of England, and +owes his great reputation in modern times to managers of Theatres at +Christmas, and writers of extravaganzas and of Pantomimes, to whom his +history is invaluable, as affording marvellous opportunities for great +scenic display, and spectacular effect, while the Saintly Knight himself +seldom fails to find an admirable representative in either a young lady +of considerable personal attractions (as here at ASTLEY'S) or in some +eccentric and grotesque gentleman like one of the lithsome PAYNES, or +the agile MR. VOKES, whose extraordinary feats, with his legs, we have +already witnessed at Drury Lane Theatre. I confess, however, that I do +not perceive by what process _St. George_ has been brought into the +comparatively modern legend of _Lady Godiva_. + +_Harry._ It seems to me, Sir, that you intended us just now to remark +some diverting jest in your use of the words "feats" and "legs," which +TOMMY, I fear, has failed to comprehend. + +_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, HARRY, you are quite right, and I trust that both +you, and TOMMY, will be able to utter such pleasantries yourselves with +a full appreciation of their value. I regret to notice that MISS +SHERIDAN, who, with much discretion, performs the part of the _Lady +Godiva_, is suffering from cold, and is, consequently, a little hoarse. +This is natural at ASTLEY'S. + +Then, turning to TOMMY, and smiling in his usual kind manner, MR. BARLOW +said, "My dear TOMMY, although you have not yet mastered the amusing +puns which I made in my recent discourse, you can, it may be, tell me +why MISS SHERIDAN resembles a pony?" + +TOMMY, whose whole attention was now given to the scene, expressed his +intention of at once renouncing all attempts at solving this problem. +Whereupon MR. BARLOW cheerfully replied that MISS SHERIDAN so far +resembled a pony, inasmuch as she was, unfortunately, on that evening, +"a little hoarse." HARRY laughed at this sally, and, indeed, considered +his beloved tutor a prodigy of wit and ingenuity; but it was otherwise +with TOMMY, who remained silent and depressed during the greater part of +the entertainment; and, indeed, it was not until the very effective +Transformation Scene that TOMMY'S unbounded pleasure and admiration once +more found vent in the most unqualified applause, in which the entire +audience joined. + +_Harry._ These expressions of delight remind me of the story you read to +me the other day, Sir, called _Agesilaeus and the Elastic Nobleman_. As +TOMMY has not heard it I will---- + +But at this moment a vast assemblage of children on the stage, habited +as soldiers, commenced the National Anthem at the top of their voices, +which for the time put an end to further conversation. + +On quitting the theatre, TOMMY, who from having been in a state of the +greatest elation had once more resumed the sober and saddened aspect +with which he had listened to his tutor's discourse during the play, +took HARRY aside, and declared to him, with tears in his eyes, that from +that day forward he would never rest till he had made himself thoroughly +acquainted with all the jokes in the English language, and had perfected +himself in the art of constructing new ones. + +"Your determination, MASTER TOMMY," replied his young friend, "reminds +me of the story of _Darius and the Corrugated Butcher_; but, as I am too +fatigued to-night to remember its main features, I will defer the +recital of it till to-morrow morning." + +TOMMY evinced a great curiosity to know whether there were in this tale +any puns, upon which he might at once exercise his intelligence, but on +HARRY'S repeating his promise, he allowed him to go to bed without +further question. + +Being thus left to his own resources, TOMMY MERTON, in pursuance of his +new resolution, went to the book-shelves and commenced a search which +was not destined to be altogether fruitless. + +MR. BARLOW had scarcely been in bed two hours, when he was aroused from +a most peaceful and refreshing slumber by a loud hammering and knocking +at the door of his chamber. Unable to imagine what had happened, and, +indeed, fearing lest the premises should have unfortunately caught fire, +he was on the point of gathering together such articles of clothing as +he considered strictly necessary, when TOMMY burst into the room +half-undressed, and bawling out, "I've seen it! I've seen it!" + +"What have you seen?" asked MR. BARLOW. + +"Why, Sir," answered TOMMY, "I had a mind to discover, before I went to +bed, what you meant by your two jokes at Astley's. So, Sir, I got down +your book of _Joseph Miller's Jests_, a dictionary, and a grammar; and I +find that the fun you had intended lies in the similarity of +pronunciation in the case of the substantive _horse_ and of the +adjective _hoarse_, and also in _feat_ and _feet_ possessing a like +sound." + +"Well," said MR. BARLOW, pausing, with a boot-jack in hand, "you are +indeed right. And if you will approach a little nearer----" + +But TOMMY, anticipating the purport of his revered tutor's invitation, +had speedily withdrawn himself from the apartment, being careful at the +same time to lock MR. BARLOW'S door on the outside. + +"To-morrow," said MR. BARLOW quietly to himself as he returned to his +bed--"To-morrow we will talk over these things." + +He now perceived that he was in a condition of unwonted restlessness; +and it was not until he had twice repeated to himself the story of _The +Laplander and the Agreeable Peacock_, that he fell asleep. + + * * * * * + + =Doctors in Court.= + +MEDICAL men, experts and others, in the witness-box, are unfortunately +apt to use technical terms for which there are no equivalents in plain +English. For this pedantry the Judge usually snubs them. Quite right. +There are no hard words or phrases, of which the use, by Judges or +Counsel, is sometimes unavoidable, in Law. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AFTER THE PARTY. + +_Mater_ (_aroused by the Horse pulling up_). "WHIT'S THE MATTER, +GUIDMAN?--ONYTHING WRANG?" + +_Pater_ (_bringing his Faculties to a Focus_). "LET US JUST CONSUDER THE +RECENT CIRCUMSTANCES. WAS OOR JOHN IN THE GIG WHEN WE STARTET FRAE +ARDRISHAIG?"] + + +[Illustration: "OOR JOHN" _WAS_ IN THE GIG--_WHEN THEY STARTED!_] + + * * * * * + + OWLS THAT IS NOT HORGANS. + +MR. PUNCH has--need he say it?--the profoundest admiration for the skill +and zeal of the great Healers who have conducted H.R.H. the PRINCE OF +WALES out of the region of bulletins. But he hopes that should any +member of the Royal Family again need medical advice (which good fortune +forefend for many a long day), no name belonging to a member of the +illustrious trio may be signed to the _affiches_. It was not for _Mr. +Punch_ to complain while bulletins issued, but now all else is +happiness, he makes his moan, or rather (as MR. ROEBUCK says Birmingham +is always doing) makes his howl. How many thousand idiots have sent _Mr. +Punch_ jests on the names of the Doctors, he cannot say, but the changes +have been rung, _ad nauseam_, on a "Jennerous diet," a "Lowe fever," a +"bird of good omen--a Gull," until----But not one goose was gratified; +ha! ha! Fire, not vanity, was fed. Still, _Mr. Punch_ has suffered; and +therefore he begs leave to suggest that all the three Doctors be raised +to the Peerage. They have richly deserved it, and so has SIR JAMES PAGET +(whose name happily does not help the small wits); but _Mr. Punch's_ +comfort is the thing to be considered. N.B. He likes to give those who +are "blest in not being simple men" an occasional peep--as thus--at the +circumjacent world of donkeyism. + + * * * * * + +MRS. MALAPROP has lately been studying Latin, with success. But, as a +good Church-woman, she cannot hold with the rule _Festina lente_. She +disapproves of feasting in Lent. + + * * * * * + + GUILDED LADIES. + +LADIES, look at this proposal to promote what some of you may call the +millineryennium:-- + + "A Guild of Ladies is proposed to be formed to promote modesty + of dress to do away with extravagance, and substitute the + neatness and sobriety suitable to Christian women." + +A guild formed to promote the sobriety of women ought to have SIR +WILFRID LAWSON for a patron, and should be supported by every +Teetotaller now living in the land. But the sobriety here mentioned is +that of dress, not drink; and total abstinence from finery and flummery +of fashion is doubtless the chief aim of the promoters of the guild. +Well, if they succeed in reducing even chignons to reasonable +dimensions, they will deserve the thanks of every one afflicted with +good taste; and if they further are successful in reducing the enormous +bills which ladies owe their milliners, they will earn the heartfelt +gratitude of many a poor husband, who can ill afford to pay them. All is +not gold that glitters, but we may guess there is true metal, and not +merely specious glitter, in these Guilded Ladies. + + * * * * * + + =French and British Budgets.= + +M. THIERS has been censured by some of our contemporaries for his fiscal +policy of seeking to impose heavy duties on raw materials. At any rate, +however, France will not be saddled (like an ass) with an Income-tax; so +the taxation to which that country will be subjected, will be +comparatively light, even if it should have the effect of making +butchers' meat as frightfully dear there as it is in England. + + * * * * * + + =A TEMPERANCE HOSPITAL.= + +[Illustration: G]O to! The anti-alcoholic manifesto lately put forth by +the two hundred and fifty first-class Doctors is already producing the +effect which a demonstration, fortified with names some having handles +to them, seldom fails to produce on a portion of the generally +intelligent British Public. It has caused "a movement." The _Daily News_ +announces that:-- + + "A movement has been started to establish a hospital in London + 'for the treatment of diseases apart from the ordinary + administration of alcoholic liquors.'" + +The object of the movement does not appear from the words in which it +is stated quite so clearly as the thinking persons who may attach +importance to it must desire. Do not, in fact, most Doctors, as it is, +treat diseases "apart from the ordinary administration of alcoholic +liquors?" Are not all patients but those labouring under diseases of +debility, as a rule, enjoined by their medical attendant to abstain, +totally or comparatively, from wine, beer, and spirits? In hospitals, +where this abstinence can always be enforced, the treatment of diseases +apart from the ordinary administration of alcoholic liquors is +especially usual. Do the enlightened promoters of a movement for the +establishment of a hospital, whereat diseases shall be so treated still +more especially, mean to say that, in that new institution alcohol, in +diseases in which it has hitherto been wont to be ordinarily +administered as a tonic or stimulant requisite for their cure, shall not +be given--and if so, why? Because alcohol is a poison? Then why stop at +alcohol? Why not also proscribe, instead of prescribing, opium, henbane, +hemlock, deadly nightshade, arsenic, and prussic acid; and indeed--for +what active medicine is not a poison in an over-dose?--nearly every +article in the _Materia Medica_? + +Truly the great Two-Hundred-and-Fifty Against Alcohol, themselves even, +leave some room for question as to their meaning when they proclaim that +"it is believed that the inconsiderate prescription of large quantities +of alcoholic liquids by Medical Men for their patients has given rise, +in many instances, to the formation of intemperate habits." Believed by, +and of whom? By the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty Doctors of their Profession at +large, or by Society in general of it, including them? One would like to +know who the believers are, in order to be enabled to appraise the +belief, and it would also please one to be informed whether or no the +belief includes a confession, which the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty make for +themselves. Did you, gentle reader, in the course of your experience, +ever happen to meet with a victim of the Bottle who dated his +intemperance from taking port wine or brandy, prescribed for him when +convalescent, for example, from typhus fever? + +One can indeed understand and appreciate the advice that "alcohol, in +whatever form, should be prescribed and administered with as much care +as any powerful drug," and peradventure this will create another +movement, a movement of a speculative nature, for the manufacture of +graduated physic glasses, of various sizes, to replace the sherry, +champagne, hock, and claret glasses now in use at table: a minim-glass +to be the new glass for liqueurs and brandy. This practical improvement +in Social Science may be shortly introduced by some of our leading +medical men at their own tables. And when they exhibit alcohol, in +whatever form, perhaps, in future, they will always take care to combine +it with something very nauseous; gin, for instance, with the most +horrible of bitters. This will effectually prevent the administration of +alcohol from originating the formation of intemperate habits. + +Doubtless, on the whole, the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty have spoken wisely; +but the echo of their speech in some quarters has sounded like cackle, +and the "movement," which their utterance has set on foot among +gregarious persons, very much resembles the march of an analogous kind +of birds, under leadership, across a common. + + * * * * * + + RURAL INTELLIGENCE. + + SPLICINGHAM. + +INTERESTING EVENT.--On Thursday the 25th inst. this pretty little +village was early astir, and thrown into a state of pleasurable +excitement, it being the nuptial morn of MISS SELINA SUNNISMILE, +daughter of MR. SUNNISMILE, gardener and florist, with MR. ROBERT +GRUBBINS, pork-butcher, both of this parish. The parents of the happy +couple being held in high esteem, triumphal arches were erected, decked +with appropriate mottoes, and the front of the bride's residence was +festooned with early cauliflowers and other floral ornaments which her +father had purveyed. The choral service terminated with the _Wedding +March_ of MENDELSSOHN, performed on the harmonium by MR. JOSEPH THUMPER +with his accustomed skill. An elegant _dejeuner_, consisting of +pork-pies, pickled herrings, trotters, tripe, and wedding-cake, was then +done ample justice to by a select party of guests; the bride's health +being drunk in bumpers of champagne, expressly made for the occasion +from her father's famous gooseberries, which gained a prize last summer +at the exhibition of the Splicingham Pomological Society. After this +affecting ceremony, the happy pair departed, in a shower of old +slippers, on a trip to the metropolis, to spend their honeymoon. + + WOBBLESWORTH. + +LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.--The second of the series of Halfpenny Readings +was held last Tuesday evening at the Literary Institute, the REV. MR. +MILDMAN being voted to the Chair. It will be noticed from the programme +that something more than mere amusement is the aim of these small +gatherings; and, as a means towards the better education of the country, +we need hardly say we wish them all manner of success:-- + + READING, "_Old Mother Hubbard_" MISS BROWN. + RECITATION, "_Humpty Dumpty_" MASTER JONES. + SONG, "_Twinkle, twinkle, little Star_" MRS. ROBINSON. + RECITAL (in costume), "_Grilling a Grizly_" MR. SMITH. + READING, "_The Humours of Joe Miller_" REV. Z. SNOOKS. + COMIC SONG, "_O, did you twig her Ankle?_" MR. LARKER. + RECITAL, "_My Name is Norval_" MASTER WIGGINS. + GLEE, "_The Cock and Crow_" WOBBLESWORTH WARBLERS. + READING, "_The Bandit's Bride_" REV. H. WALKER. + SONG, "_I seek thee in every Shadow_" MR. GROWLER. + RECITAL, "_The Haunted Hottentot_" DR. BLOBBS. + COMIC SONG, "_Jolly Miss Jemima_" MR. LARKER. + CHORUS, "_Ri fol de riddle ol_" WOBBLESWORTH WARBLERS. + +The company separated at the somewhat advanced hour of half-past nine +o'clock, after spending an enjoyable and instructive evening. + + DUFFERTON AND BLUNDERBURGH. + +SPARROWSHOOTING EXTRAORDINARY.--The annual meeting of the Dufferton and +Blunderburgh Sparrow Club was held on Monday last at the Goose and +Gridiron, Dufferton, the President, MR. BOOBIE, again occupying the +chair. It appeared from the report that, during the past twelvemonth, no +fewer than 5937 sparrows had been slaughtered by the honourable members +of the club. Complaints had been received of increasing devastation by +fly, and slug, and caterpillar, and it was said that this was owing to +the great decrease of small birds effected by the club. The Chairman, +amid cheers, pooh-poohed these allegations, and, after presenting a new +powderflask to MR. JONAH JOWLS, for having made the largest bag of small +birds in the twelvemonth, the Chairman humorously adjourned the meeting +to the supper-room, where mine host served up an elegant light supper, +the _menu_ whereof consisted of sausages, black puddings, Welsh +rarebits, and pork-chops. + + * * * * * + + SCIENCE GOSSIP. + +PROFESSOR AGASSIZ has discovered "a fish which builds a nest." Wonders +are only just beginning. Other Professors, envious of AGASSIZ'S good +fortune, will be stimulated to renewed study of the Animal Kingdom; and +the result will be that at no distant day we shall see the great +Zoological collections, here and in America, enriched by the addition of +a glowworm which lives in a hive, a tortoise which hops from bough to +bough, an oviparous rabbit, and a lobster whose diet consists +exclusively of salad. The fable which deluded our childhood may yet be +realised, and pigeon's milk take its place amongst the common articles +of a free breakfast table. + + * * * * * + + NEW SCHOOL FOR NOBS. + +[Illustration: K]IND _Mr. Punch_, a happy change has come over the +character of our Public Schools. The chief of them, I have been told, of +what is called mediaeval foundation, were originally intended to educate +the sons of poor gentlemen. But now, Sir, the purpose they have come to +serve is just the reverse of that. A correspondent of the _Morning +Post_, signing himself PAVIDUS--evidently a mean, shabby, needy sprig of +gentility, afraid, as his signature means, if I am not misinformed, +which, by the tenor of his letter, he plainly confesses himself to be, +of having to fork out more than he is able--writes to complain, +forsooth, of "the growing abuse of 'tips' and pocket-money allowance." +This contemptible indigent fellow says:-- + + "It is within my knowledge that at one of the chief public + schools--and I am told that the same rule holds good at the + other schools of this class--a boy who does not bring back L5 + each half is set down by 'the house' as a 'duffer' and as of 'no + use.' In other words, he is under the cold shade of his + fellow-boarders, and is subject to constant and galling + humiliation." + +Very well. Let him be off, then. A first-class Public School is no place +for him any more than a first-class carriage. Let the beggar who doesn't +like it, leave it--go second or third class, and be taught the three R's +under FORSTER'S Education Act. But now read what PAVIDUS has the +insolence to say further:-- + + "It is not every lad that can bear lightly the gibes and jeers + of the young cotton lords whose home ethics teach them to + measure the quality of a gentleman by the amount of money he can + spend. The result is inevitable. The 'soc' shop gives credit. A + loan is soon and easily contracted, and the boy, smarting under + the results of his comparative poverty, begins his career of + debt and deceit in order to hold his own among his more + pecunious fellows." + +MR. PAVIDUS, in his pride and poverty, seems very indignant at the idea +of wealthy young cotton lords treating poor young pedigree lords with +contempt. I dare say he is some poor nobleman's relation himself, the +HONOURABLE PAVIDUS, perhaps, or RIGHT HONOURABLE PAVIDUS. + +When he wrote the above sneer at cotton lords probably he turned up +his nose. That is, I mean, he tried to, for it is a nose that don't +turn up by nature, I'm sure. I'll be bound it's one of those aquiline +hook-noses which your bloated aristocrats are so vain of, none of your +jolly button-mushroom snub. I fancy I see PAVIDUS--LORD PAVIDUS, +perhaps--looking down upon myself and sniffing at me, like a footman +with too strong a bouquet in his buttonhole. He and his, and such as +they, had best keep themselves to themselves. If our boys are too +well-off at school for theirs, and yet theirs are above being sent to +regular pauper schools, why don't your Nobs and Swells get up poor's +schools of their own, poor gentlemen's schools, if they like to call +them so? At such schools the rule might be that no boy was to come from +home to school with more than five shillings in his pocket, nor be +allowed above sixpence a week. + +Dress and board could be cut down to the same plain, poverty-stricken +scale. Such regulations would keep the high-bred paupers what they +call select enough without any necessity, which they that pride +themselves so on their pronunciation might perhaps imagine, for an +entrance examination to try if new-comers could pronounce their h's. And +so, poor nobility and gentry, being brought up in that frugal sort of +way, would continue in it, because able to afford no better, and +by-and-by, I dare say, get to pride themselves upon it, and make a merit +and a boast of their despicable economy; so that plain living and +dressing and eating and drinking will some day perhaps be considered the +particular tokens of high birth and breeding, and of class-distinction +between PLANTAGENET MOWBRAY FITZ-MONTAGUE NORFOLK HOWARD and + + SHODDY. + + * * * * * + + TICHBORNE _V._ LUSHINGTON. + +BOYLE'S _Court Guide_ is, as all who dwell or have friends in the Court +District know, as accurate and convenient a book of reference as +possible. No library table can be without this manual. It is with great +reluctance, therefore, that _Mr. Punch_, in the exercise of stern duty, +devotes the new volume of the _Guide_ to the vengeance of LORD CHIEF +JUSTICE BOVILL. But respect for the Bench compels _Mr. Punch_ to offer +this sacrifice. In the issue for January, 1872, on page 797, this may be +read:-- + + "TICHBORNE, SIR ROGER C. D., _Bart._, 10, Harley Road West, + Brompton, S.W." + +NOW _Mr. Punch_ appeals to the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, and to the Universe +to say whether the desire expressed by the former that there should be +no comment on the Tichborne case, _pendente lite_, has not been +scrupulously complied with. Dull as the season has been, there has been +no yielding to the temptation to make smart articles out of the +Australian Romance. _Mr. Punch_ himself, who is above all laws, has set +the most noble example to his contemporaries, and even when he has +borrowed an illustration from the big trial, he has carefully avoided +any expression of opinion as to the merits. But, in the _Court Guide_, +the Claimant, or somebody else, has inserted an entry which prejudges +the case. The name and title of SIR ROGER TICHBORNE are claimed as +calmly as if the ownership were as well established as that of the name +and title of SIR WILLIAM BOVILL, which appear in another page, or as +_Mr. Punch's_ own name and title would be cited, but that it pleases him +to occupy his family mansion East of Temple Bar. This is Contempt of +Court. The Attorney-General has stated his belief that the Claimant is a +cunning and audacious conspirator, a perjurer, a forger, an impostor, +and a villain. He may be all these things, and not SIR ROGER TICHBORNE. +He may be none of these things, and be SIR ROGER TICHBORNE. He may be +only so many of these things as are compatible with his being SIR ROGER +TICHBORNE. No person, except an advocate, has the least right to state +an opinion until the jury shall be finally locked up, and out of the way +of being prejudiced. Whoever took on himself to decide the case, by +sending to the _Court Guide_ a statement that SIR ROGER TICHBORNE +exists, and resides at the above address, did that for which he should +be called on to answer at the bar of the Common Pleas. Roo-ey, too-ey, +too-ey-too-ey too! + + * * * * * + + LIQUOR LAWS SUPERSEDED. + +MOUTHING, spouting, declamatory, meddlesome agitation for the compulsory +enforcement of total abstinence from invigorating, comforting, cheering, +and restorative drinks on people to whom it would be intolerable, is the +very staff of life to the United Kingdom Alliance. Therefore it is +taking the bread out of their mouths to enter into combination for any +purpose like that described by the _Post_ in a paragraph announcing:-- + + "ANOTHER SOCIAL MOVEMENT.--The working-men of the West End have + set on foot a new social movement, the main object of which is + to enable them to hold meetings with their trade and friendly + societies away from public-houses. A body of earnest working-men + have been exerting themselves for some months past to raise + funds for the purpose of building a central hall, in which the + trade and friendly societies of Chelsea, Brompton, and + Kensington may meet, instead of at public-houses. There are + upwards of seventy such societies in the districts named." + +If working-men generally take to courses like these, they will very soon +vindicate their order from the accusation of drunkenness which Liquor +LAWSON, DAWSON BURNS, and their followers, put forward as a pretext for +soliciting the whole people to let themselves be placed under restraint, +like idiots or babies. The sober and earnest working-men, drinking their +beer in moderation, will show themselves to be really the same flesh and +blood with the gentlemen who sip their claret soberly, and are so kind +as to interest themselves in the promotion of schemes for withholding +their poorer kind from indulgence in "intoxicating liquors." But then +the occupation of the United Kingdom Alliance will be gone. That is to +say, they will be deprived of all excuse for vociferating, plotting, and +conspiring to have the pleasure of regulating the habits of others. + + * * * * * + + =Parental Present.= + +THOUGH we have thus far entered on January, the window of a shop in +Fleet Street still exhibits a card bearing the legend of "Presents for +Christmas." This appears amid a lot of walking-sticks, where it is +somewhat suggestive. Perhaps too many schoolboys generally come home for +the holidays would receive the most suitable Christmas-box a fond Father +could present them with if he were to give them the Stick. + [_Mrs. Punch._ "Brute!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HOUSEHOLD WORDS." + +_Young Person_ (_on taking a Situation with Maiden Lady_). "IN THE +COURSE OF CONVERSATION, SHALL I ADDRESS YOU AS _MISS_ OR _MUM_?"!!] + + * * * * * + + THE "PHANTOM BOARD." + + (_See MR. VERNON LUSHINGTON'S evidence before the + Megaera Commission_.) + + A DARKLING place, of shadowy space, + Reached by a silent stair; + A skeleton clock, with a dusty face, + That marks time in the air, + To five grey ghosts, in blue and gold lace, + Each in ghost of a board-room chair. + + Their red-tape is dust, their penknives are rust, + The ink in each standish is sere; + Their ghost-quills glide betwixt margins wide + Of foolscap, that blanks appear; + And their dead tongues' prose into dead ears goes, + And out at as dead an ear! + + But on file and floor, and the tables o'er, + And in pigeon-holes well stored, + Are letters many, and papers more-- + An ever-growing hoard! + No phantom of business, albeit before + My Lords of a Phantom Board! + + So much work to be done, and, alive, but one + To utter five phantoms' will! + The hours they run, but on LUSHINGTON + The papers are pouring still-- + And how record for a Phantom Board, + With a merely mortal quill? + + Those letters come by messengers dumb-- + A hundred thousand a year-- + To this room or that, for ghost-clerks to thumb, + And be opened, here and there: + Who registers? None, all; all, some: + Who minutes? Ghost-hands in air. + + So, registered or unregistered, + As haste or hap may be; + Minuted or un-minuted, + As ghost, or none, may be free; + The gathering letters have come to a head + That a Phantom Board can see! + + Alive but one,--Lone LUSHINGTON + Among that ghostly five, + And all this business to be done-- + Needs must when phantoms drive! + "Enough to sign," he sighs, "not mine + To read, and still survive." + + And while he signs, and signs, and signs, + Its ghost of work upon, + In its red-tape toil the navy to coil, + The Phantom Board sits on: + Essay to seize, your grasp 'twill foil, + Looms, shadowy, and is gone! + + Gone but to meet, in order neat, + As ghost-like as before, + In the navy blue, and cock'd hat a-slue, + That ancient DUNCAN wore, + The Phantom First Lord at the head of the Board, + And, below, the Phantom Four! + + Their ghosts of orders they have sped, + Their ghosts of minutes they sign; + But of ship ill-found, or fleet ill-led + The discredit all decline, + To the shrill "Not mine!" of their phantom-head, + Echoing their "Not mine." + + JOHN BULL, outside, may groan and gride, + May fume and fret at will; + If he deems live heads his navy guide, + His sea-behests fulfil, + The works and the words of these Phantom Lords + No wonder he taketh ill. + + For our ships we know how the sovereigns go. + Hard cash in hard hulls should end: + Why troop-ships are worked till they rotten grow, + We cannot comprehend; + Nor why squalls that blow about REID & CO. + To the bottom should _Captains_ send. + + Some day, I think, with a sneeze and a wink, + Shocked wide-awake again, + JOHN BULL will make free with the Board-room key, + Grope his way to the door, and then, + Round the Board-screen peep at the ghosts that keep + The seats of living men! + + We wouldn't hold posts among those ghosts-- + Nor of Sea, nor of Civil Lord-- + That to build JOHN'S ships, and to guard JOHN'S coasts, + Have borrowed his shield and sword: + If Ghosts _can_ be kicked, kicked out of their posts + Will be the PHANTOM BOARD! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "PHANTOM BOARD." + +MR. BULL. "GHOSTS, BY JINGO!" + +[_What else did he expect to see at the Admiralty, after_ MR. VERNON +LUSHINGTON'S _awful Revelation_?] + + * * * * * + + LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART. + +MRS. LORIMER STACKWORTHY is busy with a new life of one of our earliest +Queens, BOADICEA, based on contemporary documents and family papers, +many of which are in cipher. The publishers, (SPORLE AND MUSSITT) will +be glad to hear of an authentic portrait of the subject of MRS. +STACKWORTHY's interesting monograph. + +The article, in the _Pedantic Review_, on "Pies and Puddings," which has +caused such a stir in literary and culinary circles, bears strong +internal evidence of the practised pen of PROFESSOR PORRINGER. That on +"Extraordinary Ebullitions," in the _Impartialist_, is understood to +emanate from DR. JULIUS TEEZER. + +JEWINI'S great classic Opera--_La Vecchia Madre Ubardio_--will be +revived next season at La Scala. + +A new weekly periodical is announced. It will be printed, published, +edited, written, illustrated, stitched, and sold exclusively by women, +and the type, ink, and paper, will be supplied by manufacturers who +employ none but female artificers. Men will not be allowed to interfere +with this journal in any way, except as purchasers. The title is +_Superior Wisdom_. + +SIGNOR ZAFFERANO-COLLINA has resumed his (open air) Organ performances +on Campden Hill. The Signor's _repertoire_ has not received any +accession during the recess. + +In the course of the ensuing season, MESSRS. BRANE AND BOOKER will bring +to the hammer the valuable Library formed by the late JONATHAN BELL +DIVER, M.A., F.A.S., F.E.L.S. It is remarkably rich in nursery rhymes, +cookery books, gipsyana, and treatises on dentistry and fireworks, and +includes a unique series of privately printed publications relating to +the County of Rutland. + +The result of more extended investigations goes to prove that the +_Octopus_ will not attack man, except in defence of its religion. + +MR. GRANBY FUSSFORTH has completed his arrangements for the delivery of +a course of Six Lectures on "Winds and Windfalls," in the North of +London. He will afterwards make a tour through Lambeth, Surrey, +Southwark, and the Tower Hamlets, and will probably conclude his labours +in the Old Kent Road. + +Telegrams from Trebizond say that MADAME CORALIA VOLANTI has created a +perfect _furore_ there, by her extraordinary performances on the high +rope. + +_Bertha's Black Box_ is the title of a new Serial Story, by a popular +and prolific writer, to be commenced in an early number of _Alsatia_. It +will be illustrated by BANNOCKS. + +MR. WYCHERLEY BIBB has a farcical comedy in preparation which will be +produced at the "Sheridan" in the course of the season. The plot turns +on one of the principal characters mistaking a private mansion for an +hotel. FACEY SMILES has a wonderful part in it. + +MR. SALVATOR ROSE, R.A., is working hard to get all his pictures ready +for the forthcoming Royal Academy Exhibition. Perhaps, the most striking +is a scene from SMITH'S _Classical Dictionary_, in which AGAMEMNON is +represented as blowing a kiss, across the Prytaneum, to CLYTEMNESTRA, +who is pacing the Bema, in the absence of her guardian on a secret +expedition. AEGISTHUS appears in the background, detained by some law +business, and the Chorus is endeavouring to convince him that he is in +the wrong. This powerful painting, with its subtle _nuances_, its +harmonious play of light and shade, its truthful rendering of the +Piraeus, and the splendid drawing of the Chorus's left leg, will carry +conviction to all who can reverence a conscientious manipulation of +another of the grand old trilogies of the Athenian stage. + +The new metal, Fluozinium, is steadily making its way against the +current of scientific prejudice. It has been discovered in almost +limitless quantities in conjunction with tufa and haematite; and the most +delicate persons may inhale its fumes with perfect safety. In specific +gravity Fluozinium is superior both to nickel and cobalt; it will ignite +nowhere but on the box, and not often there; and for porosity, +frangibility, and opalescence, no metal in our time has approached it. + +The Dryrot Society have at the present time two more volumes of unusual +interest ready for their subscribers, who, it must be said, regretfully, +are much in arrear with their subscriptions. One is the Foundation +Deeds, in abbreviated Latin, of the Monastery of St. Kilda, in +Kincardineshire, dating as far back as the fourteenth century; the +other, a list of all persons holding _in capite_ a carucate of land and +upwards, who were in fief to the Crown in the Border Wars. A few copies +will be struck off on large paper, and six on vellum. + + * * * * * + + =THE SPEAKER-ELECT.= + +[Illustration: T]HE details supplied by the newspapers give but an +inadequate idea of the interesting rites and ceremonies which cluster +round the election of a new SPEAKER, and have been observed, with +undeviating fidelity, since those early times, when the original SPEAKER +received the sanction of his Sovereign under the shade of the +"Parliament Oak" in "Merry Sherwood." + +From the first moment that he gets a post-card informing him he is to be +proposed to the House for the vacant Chair, the SPEAKER-designate gives +up the sports of the field, dinner company, and all other pleasures and +amusements, and devotes himself, night and day, to the perusal of the +journals of the House of Commons, the investigation of the Standing +Orders, and the study of the Constitutional History of England, +Parliamentary precedents and privileges, and the Biographies of his +predecessors. + +He reads a fixed portion of _Hansard_ every morning and evening. + +He sees no one but the Clerk of the House and his Assistants, who call +to give him daily private tuition. + +He forms a collection of the photographs of all the Members, that his +recognition of them may be immediate and unerring. + +During the week before the meeting of Parliament he visits all his old +haunts for the last time, and takes leave of his friends, with whom, of +course, as First Commoner, he can never again mix on the same familiar +terms. + +The day before his election he has his hair cut. + +On the eve of the great event he retires to rest early, and on the +morning of the most momentous day in his life he rises with the first +streak of dawn in the east, and paces to and fro on Constitution Hill, +to collect his thoughts and prepare his speech. + +The Sergeant-at-Arms conveys him, attired in a full Court suit to +Westminster, in a close carriage, with the blinds drawn down, and +remains with him in a vault in the Victoria Tower, where he is provided +with the daily papers, writing materials, and refreshments, until his +proposer and seconder arrive to conduct him into the House. (There is a +large looking-glass in the vault, before which he tries on his wig and +gown, with the experienced aid of the Sergeant.) + +The subsequent proceedings are pretty much as the papers have described +them, except that the Proposer and Seconder wear nosegays, and carry +halberds; and that the SPEAKER stands up before he takes his seat in the +chair, which is draped with the Union Jack, brandishes the Mace (decked +with ribbons for the occasion) three times round his head, and in a loud +voice, and in Norman French, invites the whole of the officers of the +House to dine with him that evening at the Albion at seven. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERESTING DEVOTEES. + +_Theresa._ "NO, CHARLES--NEVER! I HAVE LONG DETERMINED TO DEVOTE MY LIFE +TO CHARITY; IN FACT, TO BECOME A SISTER IN AN ANGLICAN NUNNERY." + +_Charles._ "WELL, IF YOU DO, I'LL BURY MYSELF FOR THE REST OF MY +MISERABLE DAYS IN A--IN A--A MONKERY!"] + + * * * * * + + =JOLLY WET.= + + HOORAY! It rains, it pelts, it pours, + At work I shall be free from bores, + Who call and stay. The storm that roars, + The wet, will keep them all in-doors. + + I've but to dread the Postman's knock, + A sharp but momentary shock, + I'll hope that it may bring no worse, + Than some attempt upon my purse. + + Prospectus, Circular, or Puff, + Into the fire just won't I stuff, + And smile, as to myself I say, + "That postage-stamp is thrown away!" + + * * * * * + + INQUESTS QUITE UNNECESSARY. + +On Thursday last week, at a meeting of the Middlesex Magistrates:-- + + "A communication was received from the guardians of the poor of + the parish of St. Pancras, stating that there was an increase in + the number of inquests held upon the bodies of persons dying in + the workhouse, and that a majority of them were unnecessary; but + the guardians were powerless to prevent such inquests being + held, and were of opinion that if the fees receivable by the + medical officers of the workhouses in the metropolis were + abolished, a number of such inquests would no longer be held." + +The insinuation against the metropolitan Poor-Law medical officers of a +charge of obtaining fees under false pretences, does credit to the +shopkeepers in limited lines of business out of whose inner +self-consciousness it sprang. Of course the inquests held upon many of +the paupers who have died in the St. Pancras Workhouse have been +unnecessary. There, not very much more particularly than in other +workhouses, can the majority of paupers be supposed to perish from +special neglect. Most of them, no doubt, die of mere misery. + + * * * * * + + =Victoria and Hahnemann.= + +"The QUEEN has been pleased to send a present of game for the patients +of the Hospital for Consumption, Brompton." + +_Similia similibus._ HER MAJESTY treats, by promoting consumption. But +the First of Lady Doctors does not "exhibit" infinitesimal doses. Truly +Royal practice of homoeopathy. + + * * * * * + + THE SOUTH KENSINGTON BAZAAR. + +MR. PUNCH has seldom been more disgusted--and that is saying a good deal +in these days--than by the low, sordid, Philistine, anticosmopolitan +agitation on the subject of the International Exhibitions. + +He will endeavour to express himself calmly on the topic, but gives no +pledge that he will not be induced to use strong language. + +British manufacturers and vendors complain (he hates people that +complain of anything) that the Foreigner is unduly and unjustly favoured +by the directors of these Exhibitions. "Foreigner!" At the outset, that +word is in itself offensive. All mankind are Brothers, more or less. But +let that pass. + +The Foreigner is allowed to bring to South Kensington whatever wares he +pleases, and to exhibit them to the best advantage at handsome stalls, +for which he pays no rent. To the Exhibition the British public is +invited by every official blandishment--fete, flower-show, and music are +among the attractions--and for several months the very best and most +opulent portion of society is thus brought to be tempted by the +Foreigner's productions. + +Furthermore, the Foreigner is allowed to deprive the Exhibition of its +character as an Exhibition, and to make it a shop. For he may sell +anything which he has brought over (whether it be part of his show, or +any other article which it has occurred to him as likely to be +acceptable), and the purchaser may take it away at once. This is +coarsely described as entirely departing from the theory that it was by +the display and comparison of wares that the interests of Art were to be +promoted. It is irreverently urged that the accomplished Prince who +originally devised those Exhibitions would never have sanctioned their +being converted into Shops and Bazaars. + +The British manufacturers and vendors condescend to urge that this is +not giving them fair play, that the Foreigner is helped in every way to +sell his goods, and that the Briton who pays rent for his own shop, and +heavy taxes for the support of the State, is rendered all the less able +to do so, by reason that custom is drawn away from him in favour of +those who pay neither rent nor taxes. + +_Mr. Punch_ regrets to find that Leading Men of business take these +narrow views, and that the representatives of some of the most eminent +firms in England have met under the auspices of the LORD MAYOR, also a +man of business, to assert that the system is unjust. It may be thought +that when such men deliberately protest against anything, they may be +supposed to have good reasons for their protest. But this is a +commonplace way of thinking. + +Let us try and rise above mere material views, and let the holy and +genial rays of the sun of cosmopolitanism warm up our insular hearts. +All mankind are Brothers, as has been already observed, and who would +grudge his brother anything? Why should the British person be considered +in the matter? Talk of his paying taxes--well, he does not like to pay +them--and if he is ruined, he will not be called upon to pay them any +more. That is a detail beneath contempt. What _Mr. Punch_ is so ashamed +of, is the chill and callous British nature, which refuses to recognise +the holiness of universal philanthropy, and clings to old-fashioned +ideas of a man's duty to his own family and his own nation. The +Englishman who could see in the prosperity of the Rue de Rivoli no +compensation for the ruin of Regent Street, is so low in the scale of +civilisation that we blush to call him countryman. + +_Mr. Punch_ has no such sordid feelings, and his noble heart will leap +with generous joy to behold the wealthy pouring out their gold on the +counter or at the stall of his Foreign Brothers at South Kensington, and +if his British Brother is, as he thinks, unfairly used and impoverished, +let him find consolation in the thought that we are all the same "flesh +and blood." Let him mention this to MR. LOWE'S tax-collector, and it is +certain that the latter will, like STERNE'S angel, drop a gentle tear on +the charge he was going to make, and blot it out for ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PLEASURES OF HUNTING BY RAIL. + +JONES'S NEW HORSE--FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE TRAIN STARTS.] + + * * * * * + + PAST AND PRESENT OBSTRUCTION. + + WHERE now are the Parsons, with too high a hand + Who whilom were wont things to carry? + The sole Clergy known to the Law of the Land, + With charter to bury and marry, + Whose Pluralists lazily fattened, like swine; + Their rubicund joles bloomed like roses: + They were used so to soak themselves full of port-wine, + That it purpled their overgrown noses. + + O where and O where are those proud Parsons gone? + O where and O where shall we find them, + With the waistcoat so full, and the shovel-hat on, + As our limners in their days designed them? + A sinecure mostly the cure of the souls + To which for attention not giving + They never feared being called over the coals, + They showed forth their fruits of good living. + + To the Church they were stanch; they held on with a kind + Of a power like horseleeches' of suction, + Intolerant, bigoted, narrow, and blind, + They but lived to persist in obstruction. + They evermore voted for absolute rule, + For coercion, restraint, and repression, + And exclusion, by tests, from each College and School, + They opposed every kind of concession. + + Those Parsons of old are no longer seen here; + Now no more do they hamper this nation. + They are all gone the way of HERR BREITMANN his beer; + They have ceased to obstruct education. + The Church has grown broad, throwing open each door, + Which, the bigot except, each one enters, + And we now, in the place of the Parsons of yore, + Behold cross-grained and jealous Dissenters. + + * * * * * + + A CARD. + +H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES would convey, through his friend, _Mr. +Punch_, warmest thanks to all his loyal and loving fellow-subjects for +their sympathy, earnest interest, and kind inquiries. In due time H. R. +H. hopes to make public acknowledgment of the national feeling which has +been so nobly testified. + +Meantime, by advice of his friend above mentioned, H. R. H. signifies +that he would be particularly obliged if all Mayors, Beadles, +Corporations, Cocked Hats, Town Clerks, Silver Maces, Respected +Townsmen, and other Activities would kindly allow him some respite +before the flood of Conventional Congratulation is turned on. Might he +ask to be allowed the quiet and peace permitted to other convalescents? +Would Addressers deign to remember that though he is a Prince, "a man's +a man for a' that"? A. E. +_Sandringham._ RESPECT THIS! =PUNCH.= + _Fleet Street._ + + * * * * * + + =Portsmouth or Brighton.= + +SHALL the Easter Monday Volunteer Review be holden at Brighton or +Portsmouth? This question may have been decided in favour of Brighton by +the Sovereign, or by the Shilling, which would have done equally well, +to determine the choice by a toss-up; and sufficient for that, indeed, +would have been "skying a copper." Brighton has downs adapted for the +field of military manoeuvres, but so has Portsmouth; and as to either +place, whether you regard the neighbourhood or the inhabitants, it is +hard to say which is the more downy. + + * * * * * + + =No Mistake in the Name.= + +AS "A Thankoffering from India," a contemporary announces that on +account of the recovery of the PRINCE OF WALES, a charitable donation of +L200 has been sent to London by MR. COWASJEE JEHANGIER READYMONEY. +Anybody would have given MR. READYMONEY credit for having earned his +name, and now everybody must see that he well deserves it. Is MR. +READYMONEY a Parsee? At any rate, he is the reverse of Parsi-monious. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CONNOISSEURS. + +_Groom._ "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, +OR THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S'?" + +_Keeper_ (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT +THERE O' WUM'OODS'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW +THIS 'ERE DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!"] + + * * * * * + + =EDUCATIONAL EPIGRAMS.= + + I. + + ABOUT the Three R's views unite + As voices blend in song. + For the Fourth R, what some hold right, + That all folk else deem wrong. + + Of those Fourth R's as yet while none + The right R proved can be, + To teach them all, therein where one, + Why can't good folk agree? + + II. + + Milk is for babes, wrote one that knew. + Sectarian Educators, you + Who dogmas teach which Doctors question, + Are you not giving babes strong meat, + So much too tough for them to eat, + The upshot must be indigestion? + + * * * * * + + AN OBJECT OF SYMPATHY. + +CAN a man murder his wife? The point seems doubtful, to judge by the +common experience of the Courts, and the general tone of public opinion, +when a charge for this questionable offence is under consideration or +comment. On the whole, it would seem to be desirable that we should +cease to use the term "Murder" of Wife-killing, and create a special +term for that offence--if offence it can be called. May we suggest +either "Wife-icide," or "Spousi-cide," or "Uxori-cide"? It would be the +correlative, in cases of feminine life-taking, of "justifiable homicide" +in the case of male. + +It was very touching to observe the general expression of newspaper +sympathy with an individual lately convicted for having pushed a little +too far, perhaps, the natural feeling of exasperation and impatience +with a wife who may safely be assumed to have been a very aggravating +person. "Poor monomaniac," "unfortunate gentleman," and so forth, are +terms which testify to the natural tenderness of the public feeling +towards one who is subjected to such painful consequences for so venial +an act of temporary irritation. + +We are glad to see that this touching and well-directed sympathy is +confined to this unfortunate victim of a rash impulse. As for the woman +who provoked him, we observe only a considerate silence, or the +expression of a feeling equivalent to the well-known Cornish +verdict--"Sarved her right." + + * * * * * + + NEWS FROM NAPLES. + +MR. PUNCH received a letter stating that in the writer's opinion it +might interest _Mr. P.'s_ readers to know the state of the weather +in Naples. If there be one thing in the world nobody out of Naples +cares one farthing about, _Mr. Punch_ supposes that thing to be +mentioned above. But, _respice finem_. On examining the report enclosed +by his Correspondent, _Mr. Punch_ discovers that the subject is very +interesting indeed. Here is the faithful reprint of an official document +supplied to the _Naples Observer_. Emphatically we call the weather in +question queer weather. We omit barometers and thermometers, and all +that stuff. + + STATE OF THE WEATHER IN NAPLES FROM THE + 6TH TO THE 12TH JAN. 1872. + + -------+------------------------------- + DATE. | OBSERVATIONS. + -------+------------------------------- + Jan. 6 | Rain and p. m + " 7 | Rain right Clouded da_y_. + " 8 | Rain rlg_h_t off on day. + " 9 | Heag rain thurdestorm rain d. + " 10 | Heag rain swig right. + " 11 | Clouded day. + " 12 | Brig_h_th da_y_. + -------+------------------------------- + + * * * * * + + =Spiritualism for Sailors.= + +MR. VERNON LUSHINGTON, Permanent Secretary to the Admiralty, speaking of +that body of naval administrators, doubtless, with knowledge and in +sincerity, calls it a "Phantom Board." A Board of Phantoms may be said +to be a Board of Ghosts, and such a Board of Admiralty sending British +seamen afloat in rotten _Megaeras_, is a Board of Ghosts with power to +add to their number. + + * * * * * + + A MODEST DEMAND. + +THE season might be milder--it could hardly be more malevolent. But here +is mildness:-- + + A WIDOWER of middle age, of quiet and regular habits, who has + three children at boarding school, desires a HOME in the house + of an independent Christian widow or single lady, whose object + in letting apartments is chiefly society, who would accept + merely nominal terms, and where he would be the only lodger. + Nice house and servant desirable.--Address, with every + particular, &c., &c. + +What a charming person must this advertiser be, if we may judge from the +high value which he sets on his society! No doubt he has been deluged +with replies to his advertisement. What independent lady could possibly +decline to offer him the home which he so modestly demands, and to +sacrifice her independence by accepting him as lodger, first, and +finally as lord, as soon as he inclined to offer her his heart? "Beware +of widows, _Sammy!_" said the elder _Mr. Weller_. Beware of widowers, +ladies! adds the wiser _Mr. Punch_. + + * * * * * + + =The Weather and the Paths.= + + Foul weather! Come on, my Macintosh + And my Boots; we'll never mind it, + While the rain the face of the Earth doth wash, + Though the dirtier still we find it. + + * * * * * + + =Freshwomen of the Future.= + +IT is proposed to transfer the Ladies' College to Cambridge. This +addition, if made, to Alma Mater will, in case of future controversy +between disorderly undergraduates and other inhabitants, be obviously an +advantage over Town in favour of Gown. For even the Graduates and Dons +of the gentler sex will all be Gownswomen. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the +speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. For instance, a quotation mark is missing in the +first main paragraph of "Evenings From Home," and the formatting and +spelling of the table under "State of the Weather in Naples from the 6th +to the 12th Jan. 1872" is kept as-is. + +Illustrations with a single letter in their caption were sometimes used +in the original pages to serve as initial capital letters. + +On page 51, last part of the poem "The 'Phantom Board'." was moved to +page 48 so that the full page illustration "The 'Phantom Board'." would +not divide the poem. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +62, Feb 3, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38786.txt or 38786.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/7/8/38786/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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