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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Feb 3, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 8, 2012 [EBook #38786] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 62.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>February 3, 1872.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page043" id="page043"></a>[pg 043]</span></p> + +<h2>PRIVATE SCHOOL CLASSICS.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Letter from a Lady.</i>)</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> <a href="images/043.png"><img width="100%" src="images/043.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Though</span> you love to laugh, and we all love to laugh with +you, I know that you are kindness itself when an afflicted woman +throws herself upon your sympathy. This letter will not be quite +so short as I could wish; but, unless you have my whole story, you +will not understand my sorrow.</p> + +<p class="indent">My boy, <span class="smcap">Johnny</span>, is one of the dearest boys you can imagine. I +send you his photograph, though it does not half justice to the +sweetness and intelligence of his features; besides, on the day it was +taken, he had a cold, and his hair had not been properly cut, and +the photographer was very impatient, and after eight or nine sittings, +he insisted that I ought to be satisfied. I could tell you a hundred +anecdotes of my boy's cleverness, but three or four, perhaps, will be +enough.</p> + +<blockquote> +[<i>More than enough, dear Madam. We proceed to the paragraph +that follows them.</i>] +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">His father, I regret to say, though a kind parent, does not see in +<span class="smcap">Johnny</span> the talent and genius which I am certain he possesses. The +child, who is eleven years and eleven months old, goes (alas, I must +say went) to a Private Academy of the most respectable description. +Only twelve young gentlemen are taken, and the terms are about +£100 a-year, and most things extra. The manners of the pupils are +strictly looked after; they have no coarse amusements; and, to see +them neatly dressed, going arm-in-arm, two and two, for a walk, +was quite delightful. I shall never see them again without tears.</p> + +<p class="indent">My husband was desirous that <span class="smcap">Johnny</span> should have a sound classical +education, and we believed—I believe still—that this is given at +the Private School in question. One evening during the holidays, my +husband asked <span class="smcap">Johnny</span> what Latin Book he was reading. The child +replied, without hesitation or thought—"<i>Horace</i>." "Very good," +said his father, taking down the odious book. "Let you and me +have a little go-in at <i>Horace</i>." I went to my desk, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, and, +as I write very fast, I resolved to make notes of what occurred, for I +felt that <span class="smcap">Johnny</span> would cover himself with glory and honour. <i>This</i> +is what occurred. Of course, I filled in the horrid Latin, afterwards, +from the book, which I could gladly have burned.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Well, let us see, my boy, suppose we take Hymn number +xiv. You know all about that? <i>Ad Rempublicam.</i> What does that +mean?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> O, we never learn the titles.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Pity, because they help you to the meaning. But come, +what's <i>Rempublicam</i>?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> I suppose it means a public thing. <i>Rem's</i> a thing, and +<i>publicus</i> is public. [Was not that clever in the dear fellow, putting +words together like that, <i>Mr. Punch</i>? Will you believe it, his Papa +did nothing but give him a grunt?]</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Go on.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>O navis, referent in mare te novi</i></p> +<p><i>Fluctus. O quid agis?</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O, navy, referring to the sea. I have known thee.</p> +<p>What will the waves do?</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">[I thought this quite beautiful, like "<i>What are the Wild Waves +Saying?</i>"]</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Ah! Proceed.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">——<i>fortiter occupa</i></p> +<p><i>Portum. Nonne vides</i>——</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Bravely occupy the door.</p> +<p>You see a nun.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> A nun, child. What do you mean?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> A nun is a holy but mistaken woman, Papa, that lives in +a monastery, and worships graven images. [You see he had been +<i>beautifully</i> taught.]</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> But what word, in the name of anachronisms, do you +make a nun?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> <i>Nonne.</i> O, I forgot, Pa, that's French. [Instead of being +pleased that the child knew three languages instead of two, his +Papa burst out laughing.]</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Try this:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Et malus celeri saucius Africo,</i></p> +<p><i>Antennæque gemant? ac sine funibus</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Vix durare carinæ</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Possint imperiosius</i></p> +<p><i>Æquor?</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And celery sauce is bad for an African,</p> +<p>And your aunts groan though there is no funeral,</p> +<p class="i2">And they could not be more imperious</p> +<p class="i2">If they had to endure a sea-voyage.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Myself.</i> Darling! Why don't you say something to encourage +him, <span class="smcap">Tom</span>? It's delightful.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Yes, it's encouraging. Go on, Sir.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">——<i>non tibi sunt integra lintea;</i></p> +<p><i>Non di, quos iterum pressa voces malo.</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You have no large pieces of lint.</p> +<p>Do not die, though they again press you to say apple.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Nil pictis timidus navita puppibus</i></p> +<p><i>Fidit!</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> No sailor is frightened at the dogs in a picture he sees.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> <i>Fidit's</i>, he sees, eh?</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">——<i>Tu, nisi ventis</i></p> +<p><i>Debes ludibrium, cave.</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If it wasn't for the wind,</p> +<p>You ought to play in a cave.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Ha! Well, here's the last; we may as well go through it.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Myself.</i> Papa! don't be so cross.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Mind your letter-writing, will you? [But <i>I wasn't</i> letter-writing. +I was making notes.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="indent"><i>Nuper sollicitum quæ mihi tædium.</i> +</p></div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> Lately a solicitor was a great bore to me.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> [To do him justice, he recovered his good-humour and +roared.]</p> + +<p class="indent">A great bore, was he? They <i>are</i> bores sometimes. Now +then—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="indent"><i>Nunc desiderium, curaque non levis.</i> +</p></div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> I do not care for the light of the stars.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Hang it, <span class="smcap">Johnny</span>, how do you get at "stars" in that line?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> <i>De</i>, of, <i>siderium</i>, dative, no, genitive plural of <i>sidus</i>, a +star, Papa, and <i>levis</i> is light.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Finish.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Interfusa nitentes</i></p> +<p><i>Vites æquora Cycladas.</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">What do you make of that? "With an infusion of nitre the +vines are equal to Cyclops"—is that it?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> I think so, Papa dear. The Cyclops were great giants, +who poked out the eye of Achilles with a hot stick, for throwing +stones at their ship.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> Go to bed!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Johnny.</i> What for, Papa?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Myself.</i> Yes, what for, <span class="smcap">Tom</span>? I'm sure the dear fellow has done +his best to please you.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Papa.</i> You are right. It is I who ought to be sent to bed. All +right, <span class="smcap">Johnny</span>. Let us have a game at the <i>Battle of Dorking</i>—get +the board. That's good fun. But £100 a-year, and <i>sollicitum</i>, a solicitor, +isn't. However, we'll alter that.</p> + +<p class="indent">And, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, he gave notice the very next day that +<span class="smcap">Johnny</span> should not go back to the Private School, and is going to send +him to a College, to be starved, fagged, beaten, knocked down with +cricket-balls, trampled down at football, and taught to fight.</p> + +<p class="center">Believe me, yours,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">An Unhappy Mother</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>True Thomas of Chelsea.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">It</span> was <span class="smcap">Mr. Carlyle</span> who first revealed the existence of Phantasm +Captains, which many people refused to believe in, and laughed at +the notion of. What do they say now that a Board of Captains in +command over Captains and Admirals too is called by its own +Secretary a Phantom Board? Surely that <span class="smcap">Thomas</span> of Chelsea is a +true Seer, and long since saw through Simulacra which have, in +truth, at last been discovered to be transparent Shams.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page044" id="page044"></a>[pg 044]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> <a href="images/044.png"><img width="100%" src="images/044.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>"THE OLD CLOCK ON THE STARE."</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EVENINGS FROM HOME.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><i><span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, with <span class="smcap">Masters Harry Sandford</span> and <span class="smcap">Tommy Merton</span>, +visits <span class="smcap">Astley's Theatre</span>, to see the Pantomime of "<span class="smcap">Lady Godiva</span>."</i></p> + +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">This</span>," exclaimed <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, "is an exhibition which affords me, +and indeed appears to give to a vast number besides myself, the +greatest gratification.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tommy.</i> I see, Sir, that <i>St. George</i> appears in this story with +<i>Lady Godiva</i>; pray, Sir, who was <i>St. George</i>?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> There have been, my dear <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, various opinions +on this interesting subject, and some honest folks have sought to +identify the celebrated personage in question with a Butcher, who +served bad meat to the Christians in Palestine, while others have +gone equally far towards proving that he was no Butcher, but an +Arian Bishop of Alexandria. Whether Butcher, or Bishop, it was for +a long time most difficult to determine.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Harry.</i> But pray, Sir, why did not the antagonistic parties bring +the case into a Court of Law so as to obtain a decision.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> Your own experience, <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, will, doubtless, one +of these days furnish you with sufficient reason for the persons +interested not having given employment to the gentlemen of the +long robe. There was no claimant to the title living, and there was +nothing beyond a title to be claimed; for, whether on the one hand +(with <span class="smcap">Eusebius</span>) revering him as a Saint, or, on the other (with +<span class="smcap">Gibbon</span>) abusing him as "the infamous <span class="smcap">George</span>," both sides +admitted the object of their contention to have been long since +deceased. He is, however, the patron Saint of England, and owes +his great reputation in modern times to managers of Theatres at +Christmas, and writers of extravaganzas and of Pantomimes, to +whom his history is invaluable, as affording marvellous opportunities +for great scenic display, and spectacular effect, while the Saintly +Knight himself seldom fails to find an admirable representative in +either a young lady of considerable personal attractions (as here at +<span class="smcap">Astley's</span>) or in some eccentric and grotesque gentleman like one of +the lithsome <span class="smcap">Paynes</span>, or the agile <span class="smcap">Mr. Vokes</span>, whose extraordinary +feats, with his legs, we have already witnessed at Drury Lane +Theatre. I confess, however, that I do not perceive by what process +<i>St. George</i> has been brought into the comparatively modern +legend of <i>Lady Godiva</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Harry.</i> It seems to me, Sir, that you intended us just now to +remark some diverting jest in your use of the words "feats" and +"legs," which <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, I fear, has failed to comprehend.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> Indeed, <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, you are quite right, and I trust +that both you, and <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, will be able to utter such pleasantries +yourselves with a full appreciation of their value. I regret to notice +that <span class="smcap">Miss Sheridan</span>, who, with much discretion, performs the part +of the <i>Lady Godiva</i>, is suffering from cold, and is, consequently, a +little hoarse. This is natural at <span class="smcap">Astley's</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent">Then, turning to <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, and smiling in his usual kind manner, +<span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> said, "My dear <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, although you have not yet +mastered the amusing puns which I made in my recent discourse, +you can, it may be, tell me why <span class="smcap">Miss Sheridan</span> resembles a pony?"</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, whose whole attention was now given to the scene, +expressed his intention of at once renouncing all attempts at solving +this problem. Whereupon <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> cheerfully replied that +<span class="smcap">Miss Sheridan</span> so far resembled a pony, inasmuch as she was, +unfortunately, on that evening, "a little hoarse." <span class="smcap">Harry</span> laughed at +this sally, and, indeed, considered his beloved tutor a prodigy of wit +and ingenuity; but it was otherwise with <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, who remained +silent and depressed during the greater part of the entertainment; +and, indeed, it was not until the very effective Transformation +Scene that <span class="smcap">Tommy's</span> unbounded pleasure and admiration once more +found vent in the most unqualified applause, in which the entire +audience joined.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Harry.</i> These expressions of delight remind me of the story you +read to me the other day, Sir, called <i>Agesiläus and the Elastic +Nobleman</i>. As <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> has not heard it I will——</p> + +<p class="indent">But at this moment a vast assemblage of children on the stage, +habited as soldiers, commenced the National Anthem at the top of +their voices, which for the time put an end to further conversation.</p> + +<p class="indent">On quitting the theatre, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, who from having been in a state +of the greatest elation had once more resumed the sober and saddened +aspect with which he had listened to his tutor's discourse +during the play, took <span class="smcap">Harry</span> aside, and declared to him, with +tears in his eyes, that from that day forward he would never rest +till he had made himself thoroughly acquainted with all the jokes +in the English language, and had perfected himself in the art of +constructing new ones.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Your determination, <span class="smcap">Master Tommy</span>," replied his young friend, +"reminds me of the story of <i>Darius and the Corrugated Butcher</i>; +but, as I am too fatigued to-night to remember its main features, I +will defer the recital of it till to-morrow morning."</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Tommy</span> evinced a great curiosity to know whether there were in +this tale any puns, upon which he might at once exercise his +intelligence, but on <span class="smcap">Harry's</span> repeating his promise, he allowed him +to go to bed without further question.</p> + +<p class="indent">Being thus left to his own resources, <span class="smcap">Tommy Merton</span>, in pursuance +of his new resolution, went to the book-shelves and commenced +a search which was not destined to be altogether fruitless.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> had scarcely been in bed two hours, when he was +aroused from a most peaceful and refreshing slumber by a loud +hammering and knocking at the door of his chamber. Unable to +imagine what had happened, and, indeed, fearing lest the premises +should have unfortunately caught fire, he was on the point of +gathering together such articles of clothing as he considered strictly +necessary, when <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> burst into the room half-undressed, and +bawling out, "I've seen it! I've seen it!"</p> + +<p class="indent">"What have you seen?" asked <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Why, Sir," answered <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, "I had a mind to discover, before +I went to bed, what you meant by your two jokes at Astley's. So, +Sir, I got down your book of <i>Joseph Miller's Jests</i>, a dictionary, and +a grammar; and I find that the fun you had intended lies in the +similarity of pronunciation in the case of the substantive <i>horse</i> and +of the adjective <i>hoarse</i>, and also in <i>feat</i> and <i>feet</i> possessing a like +sound."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Well," said <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, pausing, with a boot-jack in hand, +"you are indeed right. And if you will approach a little nearer——"</p> + +<p class="indent">But <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, anticipating the purport of his revered tutor's invitation, +had speedily withdrawn himself from the apartment, being +careful at the same time to lock <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow's</span> door on the outside.</p> + +<p class="indent">"To-morrow," said <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> quietly to himself as he returned +to his bed—"To-morrow we will talk over these things."</p> + +<p class="indent">He now perceived that he was in a condition of unwonted restlessness; +and it was not until he had twice repeated to himself the story +of <i>The Laplander and the Agreeable Peacock</i>, that he fell asleep.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Doctors in Court.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Medical</span> men, experts and others, in the witness-box, are unfortunately +apt to use technical terms for which there are no equivalents +in plain English. For this pedantry the Judge usually snubs +them. Quite right. There are no hard words or phrases, of which +the use, by Judges or Counsel, is sometimes unavoidable, in Law.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page045" id="page045"></a>[pg 045]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <a href="images/045.png"><img width="100%" src="images/045.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>AFTER THE PARTY.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mater</i> (<i>aroused by the Horse pulling up</i>). "<span class="smcap">Whit's the Matter, Guidman?—Onything Wrang?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Pater</i> (<i>bringing his Faculties to a Focus</i>). "<span class="smcap">Let us just Consuder the recent Circumstances. Was oor John in the Gig when we Startet frae Ardrishaig?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> <a href="images/045a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/045a.png" alt="" /></a> +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Oor John</span>" <span class="smcap"><i>was</i> in the Gig—<i>when they +Started!</i></span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OWLS THAT IS NOT HORGANS.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has—need he say it?—the +profoundest admiration for the skill and +zeal of the great Healers who have conducted +H.R.H. the <span class="smcap">Prince of Wales</span> +out of the region of bulletins. But he +hopes that should any member of the +Royal Family again need medical advice +(which good fortune forefend for +many a long day), no name belonging to +a member of the illustrious trio may be +signed to the <i>affiches</i>. It was not for +<i>Mr. Punch</i> to complain while bulletins +issued, but now all else is happiness, he +makes his moan, or rather (as <span class="smcap">Mr. Roebuck</span> +says Birmingham is always doing) +makes his howl. How many thousand +idiots have sent <i>Mr. Punch</i> jests on the +names of the Doctors, he cannot say, but +the changes have been rung, <i>ad nauseam</i>, +on a "Jennerous diet," a "Lowe fever," +a "bird of good omen—a Gull," until——But +not one goose was gratified; ha! ha! Fire, not vanity, +was fed. Still, <i>Mr. Punch</i> has suffered; and therefore he begs +leave to suggest that all the three Doctors be raised to the Peerage. +They have richly deserved it, and so has <span class="smcap">Sir James Paget</span> (whose +name happily does not help the small wits); but <i>Mr. Punch's</i> +comfort is the thing to be considered. N.B. He likes to give those +who are "blest in not being simple men" an occasional peep—as +thus—at the circumjacent world of donkeyism.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Malaprop</span> has lately been studying Latin, with success. +But, as a good Church-woman, she cannot hold with the rule +<i>Festina lentè</i>. She disapproves of feasting in Lent.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>GUILDED LADIES.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Ladies</span>, look at this proposal to promote +what some of you may call the +millineryennium:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"A Guild of Ladies is proposed to be formed +to promote modesty of dress to do away with +extravagance, and substitute the neatness and +sobriety suitable to Christian women." +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">A guild formed to promote the sobriety +of women ought to have <span class="smcap">Sir Wilfrid +Lawson</span> for a patron, and should be +supported by every Teetotaller now +living in the land. But the sobriety +here mentioned is that of dress, not +drink; and total abstinence from finery +and flummery of fashion is doubtless +the chief aim of the promoters of the +guild. Well, if they succeed in reducing +even chignons to reasonable +dimensions, they will deserve the thanks +of every one afflicted with good taste; and +if they further are successful in reducing +the enormous bills which ladies owe their milliners, they will earn the +heartfelt gratitude of many a poor husband, who can ill afford to +pay them. All is not gold that glitters, but we may guess there is +true metal, and not merely specious glitter, in these Guilded Ladies.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>French and British Budgets.</h2> + +<p class="indent">M. <span class="smcap">Thiers</span> has been censured by some of our contemporaries for +his fiscal policy of seeking to impose heavy duties on raw materials. +At any rate, however, France will not be saddled (like an ass) with +an Income-tax; so the taxation to which that country will be subjected, +will be comparatively light, even if it should have the effect of +making butchers' meat as frightfully dear there as it is in England.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page046" id="page046"></a>[pg 046]</span></p> + +<h2>A TEMPERANCE HOSPITAL.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> <a href="images/046.png"><img width="100%" src="images/046.png" title="G" alt="G" /></a></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">o</span> to! The anti-alcoholic manifesto +lately put +forth by the two +hundred and fifty +first-class Doctors +is already producing +the effect +which a demonstration, +fortified +with names some +having handles to +them, seldom fails +to produce on a +portion of the +generally intelligent +British Public. +It has caused +"a movement." +The <i>Daily News</i> +announces that:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"A movement has +been started to establish +a hospital in +London 'for the +treatment of diseases +apart from the ordinary +administration +of alcoholic +liquors.'" +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The object of +the movement +does not appear +from the words in which it is stated quite so clearly as the thinking +persons who may attach importance to it must desire. Do not, in +fact, most Doctors, as it is, treat diseases "apart from the ordinary +administration of alcoholic liquors?" Are not all patients but those +labouring under diseases of debility, as a rule, enjoined by their +medical attendant to abstain, totally or comparatively, from wine, +beer, and spirits? In hospitals, where this abstinence can always be +enforced, the treatment of diseases apart from the ordinary administration +of alcoholic liquors is especially usual. Do the enlightened +promoters of a movement for the establishment of a hospital, whereat +diseases shall be so treated still more especially, mean to say that, in +that new institution alcohol, in diseases in which it has hitherto been +wont to be ordinarily administered as a tonic or stimulant requisite +for their cure, shall not be given—and if so, why? Because alcohol +is a poison? Then why stop at alcohol? Why not also proscribe, +instead of prescribing, opium, henbane, hemlock, deadly nightshade, +arsenic, and prussic acid; and indeed—for what active medicine +is not a poison in an over-dose?—nearly every article in the +<i>Materia Medica</i>?</p> + +<p class="indent">Truly the great Two-Hundred-and-Fifty Against Alcohol, themselves +even, leave some room for question as to their meaning when +they proclaim that "it is believed that the inconsiderate prescription +of large quantities of alcoholic liquids by Medical Men for their +patients has given rise, in many instances, to the formation of intemperate +habits." Believed by, and of whom? By the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty +Doctors of their Profession at large, or by +Society in general of it, including them? One would like to know +who the believers are, in order to be enabled to appraise the belief, +and it would also please one to be informed whether or no the belief +includes a confession, which the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty make for +themselves. Did you, gentle reader, in the course of your experience, +ever happen to meet with a victim of the Bottle who dated his +intemperance from taking port wine or brandy, prescribed for him +when convalescent, for example, from typhus fever?</p> + +<p class="indent">One can indeed understand and appreciate the advice that +"alcohol, in whatever form, should be prescribed and administered +with as much care as any powerful drug," and peradventure this will +create another movement, a movement of a speculative nature, for +the manufacture of graduated physic glasses, of various sizes, to +replace the sherry, champagne, hock, and claret glasses now in use +at table: a minim-glass to be the new glass for liqueurs and brandy. +This practical improvement in Social Science may be shortly introduced +by some of our leading medical men at their own tables. +And when they exhibit alcohol, in whatever form, perhaps, in +future, they will always take care to combine it with something +very nauseous; gin, for instance, with the most horrible of bitters. +This will effectually prevent the administration of alcohol from +originating the formation of intemperate habits.</p> + +<p class="indent">Doubtless, on the whole, the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty have spoken +wisely; but the echo of their speech in some quarters has sounded +like cackle, and the "movement," which their utterance has set on +foot among gregarious persons, very much resembles the march of +an analogous kind of birds, under leadership, across a common.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>RURAL INTELLIGENCE.</h2> + +<p class="center">SPLICINGHAM.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Interesting Event.</span>—On Thursday the 25th inst. this pretty +little village was early astir, and thrown into a state of pleasurable +excitement, it being the nuptial morn of <span class="smcap">Miss Selina Sunnismile</span>, +daughter of <span class="smcap">Mr. Sunnismile</span>, gardener and florist, with <span class="smcap">Mr. Robert +Grubbins</span>, pork-butcher, both of this parish. The parents of the +happy couple being held in high esteem, triumphal arches were +erected, decked with appropriate mottoes, and the front of the +bride's residence was festooned with early cauliflowers and other +floral ornaments which her father had purveyed. The choral service +terminated with the <i>Wedding March</i> of <span class="smcap">Mendelssohn</span>, performed +on the harmonium by <span class="smcap">Mr. Joseph Thumper</span> with his accustomed +skill. An elegant <i>déjeûner</i>, consisting of pork-pies, pickled herrings, +trotters, tripe, and wedding-cake, was then done ample justice to +by a select party of guests; the bride's health being drunk in +bumpers of champagne, expressly made for the occasion from her +father's famous gooseberries, which gained a prize last summer at +the exhibition of the Splicingham Pomological Society. After this +affecting ceremony, the happy pair departed, in a shower of old +slippers, on a trip to the metropolis, to spend their honeymoon.</p> + +<p class="center">WOBBLESWORTH.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Literary Entertainment.</span>—The second of the series of Halfpenny +Readings was held last Tuesday evening at the Literary +Institute, the <span class="smcap">Rev. Mr. Mildman</span> being voted to the Chair. It will +be noticed from the programme that something more than mere +amusement is the aim of these small gatherings; and, as a means +towards the better education of the country, we need hardly say we +wish them all manner of success:—</p> + +<table border="0" summary="participants"> +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Reading</span>, "<i>Old Mother Hubbard</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Miss Brown</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Recitation</span>, "<i>Humpty Dumpty</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Master Jones</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Song</span>, "<i>Twinkle, twinkle, little Star</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Mrs. Robinson</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Recital</span> (in costume), "<i>Grilling a Grizly</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Mr. Smith</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Reading</span>, "<i>The Humours of Joe Miller</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Rev. Z. Snooks</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Comic Song</span>, "<i>O, did you twig her Ankle?</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Mr. Larker</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Recital</span>, "<i>My Name is Norval</i>" </td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Master Wiggins</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Glee</span>, "<i>The Cock and Crow</i>" </td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Wobblesworth Warblers</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Reading</span>, "<i>The Bandit's Bride</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Rev. H. Walker</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Song</span>, "<i>I seek thee in every Shadow</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Mr. Growler</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Recital</span>, "<i>The Haunted Hottentot</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Dr. Blobbs</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Comic Song</span>, "<i>Jolly Miss Jemima</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Mr. Larker</span>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Chorus</span>, "<i>Ri fol de riddle ol</i>" +</td> +<td> +<span class="smcap">Wobblesworth Warblers</span>. +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p class="indent">The company separated at the somewhat advanced hour of half-past +nine o'clock, after spending an enjoyable and instructive +evening.</p> + +<p class="center">DUFFERTON AND BLUNDERBURGH.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Sparrowshooting Extraordinary.</span>—The annual meeting of the +Dufferton and Blunderburgh Sparrow Club was held on Monday last +at the Goose and Gridiron, Dufferton, the President, <span class="smcap">Mr. Boobie</span>, +again occupying the chair. It appeared from the report that, during +the past twelvemonth, no fewer than 5937 sparrows had been slaughtered +by the honourable members of the club. Complaints had been +received of increasing devastation by fly, and slug, and caterpillar, +and it was said that this was owing to the great decrease of small +birds effected by the club. The Chairman, amid cheers, pooh-poohed +these allegations, and, after presenting a new powderflask to <span class="smcap">Mr. +Jonah Jowls</span>, for having made the largest bag of small birds in the +twelvemonth, the Chairman humorously adjourned the meeting to +the supper-room, where mine host served up an elegant light supper, +the <i>menu</i> whereof consisted of sausages, black puddings, Welsh +rarebits, and pork-chops.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SCIENCE GOSSIP.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Professor Agassiz</span> has discovered "a fish which builds a nest." +Wonders are only just beginning. Other Professors, envious of +<span class="smcap">Agassiz's</span> good fortune, will be stimulated to renewed study of the +Animal Kingdom; and the result will be that at no distant day we +shall see the great Zoological collections, here and in America, +enriched by the addition of a glowworm which lives in a hive, a +tortoise which hops from bough to bough, an oviparous rabbit, and +a lobster whose diet consists exclusively of salad. The fable which +deluded our childhood may yet be realised, and pigeon's milk take +its place amongst the common articles of a free breakfast table.</p> + +<hr/> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page047" id="page047"></a>[pg 047]</span></p> + +<h2>NEW SCHOOL FOR NOBS.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> <a href="images/047.png"><img width="100%" src="images/047.png" title="K" alt="K" /></a></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">ind</span> <i>Mr. Punch</i>, a happy +change has come over the +character of our Public +Schools. The chief of them, +I have been told, of what +is called mediæval foundation, +were originally intended +to educate the sons +of poor gentlemen. But +now, Sir, the purpose they +have come to serve is just +the reverse of that. A correspondent +of the <i>Morning +Post</i>, signing himself <span class="smcap">Pavidus</span>—evidently +a mean, +shabby, needy sprig of gentility, +afraid, as his signature +means, if I am not +misinformed, which, by +the tenor of his letter, he +plainly confesses himself +to be, of having to fork +out more than he is able—writes +to complain, forsooth, +of "the growing +abuse of 'tips' and pocket-money +allowance." This +contemptible indigent fellow +says:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"It is within my knowledge +that at one of the chief public +schools—and I am told that the +same rule holds good at the +other schools of this class—a +boy who does not bring back £5 each half is set down by 'the house' as a +'duffer' and as of 'no use.' In other words, he is under the cold shade of +his fellow-boarders, and is subject to constant and galling humiliation." +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Very well. Let him be off, then. A first-class Public School is +no place for him any more than a first-class carriage. Let the +beggar who doesn't like it, leave it—go second or third class, and be +taught the three R's under <span class="smcap">Forster's</span> Education Act. But now +read what <span class="smcap">Pavidus</span> has the insolence to say further:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"It is not every lad that can bear lightly the gibes and jeers of the young +cotton lords whose home ethics teach them to measure the quality of a gentleman +by the amount of money he can spend. The result is inevitable. The +'soc' shop gives credit. A loan is soon and easily contracted, and the boy, +smarting under the results of his comparative poverty, begins his career of +debt and deceit in order to hold his own among his more pecunious fellows." +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Pavidus</span>, in his pride and poverty, seems very indignant at +the idea of wealthy young cotton lords treating poor young pedigree +lords with contempt. I dare say he is some poor nobleman's relation +himself, the <span class="smcap">Honourable Pavidus</span>, perhaps, or <span class="smcap">Right Honourable +Pavidus</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent">When he wrote the above sneer at cotton lords probably he +turned up his nose. That is, I mean, he tried to, for it is a nose +that don't turn up by nature, I'm sure. I'll be bound it's one of +those aquiline hook-noses which your bloated aristocrats are so vain +of, none of your jolly button-mushroom snub. I fancy I see +<span class="smcap">Pavidus—Lord Pavidus</span>, perhaps—looking down upon myself and +sniffing at me, like a footman with too strong a bouquet in his +buttonhole. He and his, and such as they, had best keep themselves +to themselves. If our boys are too well-off at school for theirs, +and yet theirs are above being sent to regular pauper schools, why +don't your Nobs and Swells get up poor's schools of their own, poor +gentlemen's schools, if they like to call them so? At such schools +the rule might be that no boy was to come from home to school with +more than five shillings in his pocket, nor be allowed above sixpence +a week.</p> + +<p class="indent">Dress and board could be cut down to the same plain, poverty-stricken +scale. Such regulations would keep the high-bred paupers +what they call select enough without any necessity, which they +that pride themselves so on their pronunciation might perhaps +imagine, for an entrance examination to try if new-comers could +pronounce their h's. And so, poor nobility and gentry, being brought +up in that frugal sort of way, would continue in it, because able to +afford no better, and by-and-by, I dare say, get to pride themselves +upon it, and make a merit and a boast of their despicable economy; +so that plain living and dressing and eating and drinking will some +day perhaps be considered the particular tokens of high birth and +breeding, and of class-distinction between <span class="smcap">Plantagenet Mowbray +Fitz-Montague Norfolk Howard</span> and</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Shoddy</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TICHBORNE <i>V.</i> LUSHINGTON.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Boyle's</span> <i>Court Guide</i> is, as all who dwell or have friends in the +Court District know, as accurate and convenient a book of reference +as possible. No library table can be without this manual. It is +with great reluctance, therefore, that <i>Mr. Punch</i>, in the exercise of +stern duty, devotes the new volume of the <i>Guide</i> to the vengeance +of <span class="smcap">Lord Chief Justice Bovill</span>. But respect for the Bench compels +<i>Mr. Punch</i> to offer this sacrifice. In the issue for January, 1872, +on page 797, this may be read:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"<span class="smcap">Tichborne, Sir Roger C. D.</span>, <i>Bart.</i>, 10, Harley Road West, Brompton, +S.W." +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Now</span> <i>Mr. Punch</i> appeals to the <span class="smcap">Lord Chief Justice</span>, and to the +Universe to say whether the desire expressed by the former that +there should be no comment on the Tichborne case, <i>pendente lite</i>, +has not been scrupulously complied with. Dull as the season has +been, there has been no yielding to the temptation to make smart +articles out of the Australian Romance. <i>Mr. Punch</i> himself, who +is above all laws, has set the most noble example to his contemporaries, +and even when he has borrowed an illustration from the big +trial, he has carefully avoided any expression of opinion as to the +merits. But, in the <i>Court Guide</i>, the Claimant, or somebody else, +has inserted an entry which prejudges the case. The name and title +of <span class="smcap">Sir Roger Tichborne</span> are claimed as calmly as if the ownership +were as well established as that of the name and title of <span class="smcap">Sir William +Bovill</span>, which appear in another page, or as <i>Mr. Punch's</i> own +name and title would be cited, but that it pleases him to occupy his +family mansion East of Temple Bar. This is Contempt of Court. +The Attorney-General has stated his belief that the Claimant is a +cunning and audacious conspirator, a perjurer, a forger, an impostor, +and a villain. He may be all these things, and not <span class="smcap">Sir Roger +Tichborne</span>. He may be none of these things, and be <span class="smcap">Sir Roger +Tichborne</span>. He may be only so many of these things as are compatible +with his being <span class="smcap">Sir Roger Tichborne</span>. No person, except +an advocate, has the least right to state an opinion until the jury +shall be finally locked up, and out of the way of being prejudiced. +Whoever took on himself to decide the case, by sending to the <i>Court +Guide</i> a statement that <span class="smcap">Sir Roger Tichborne</span> exists, and resides at +the above address, did that for which he should be called on to +answer at the bar of the Common Pleas. Roo-ey, too-ey, too-ey-too-ey +too!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LIQUOR LAWS SUPERSEDED.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mouthing</span>, spouting, declamatory, meddlesome agitation for the +compulsory enforcement of total abstinence from invigorating, comforting, +cheering, and restorative drinks on people to whom it would +be intolerable, is the very staff of life to the United Kingdom Alliance. +Therefore it is taking the bread out of their mouths to enter +into combination for any purpose like that described by the <i>Post</i> in +a paragraph announcing:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"<span class="smcap">Another Social Movement.</span>—The working-men of the West End have +set on foot a new social movement, the main object of which is to enable them +to hold meetings with their trade and friendly societies away from public-houses. +A body of earnest working-men have been exerting themselves for +some months past to raise funds for the purpose of building a central hall, in +which the trade and friendly societies of Chelsea, Brompton, and Kensington +may meet, instead of at public-houses. There are upwards of seventy such +societies in the districts named." +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">If working-men generally take to courses like these, they will +very soon vindicate their order from the accusation of drunkenness +which Liquor <span class="smcap">Lawson</span>, <span class="smcap">Dawson Burns</span>, and their followers, put +forward as a pretext for soliciting the whole people to let themselves +be placed under restraint, like idiots or babies. The sober +and earnest working-men, drinking their beer in moderation, will +show themselves to be really the same flesh and blood with the gentlemen +who sip their claret soberly, and are so kind as to interest themselves +in the promotion of schemes for withholding their poorer kind +from indulgence in "intoxicating liquors." But then the occupation +of the United Kingdom Alliance will be gone. That is to say, they +will be deprived of all excuse for vociferating, plotting, and conspiring +to have the pleasure of regulating the habits of others.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Parental Present.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Though</span> we have thus far entered on January, the window of a +shop in Fleet Street still exhibits a card bearing the legend of +"Presents for Christmas." This appears amid a lot of walking-sticks, +where it is somewhat suggestive. Perhaps too many schoolboys +generally come home for the holidays would receive the most +suitable Christmas-box a fond Father could present them with if he +were to give them the Stick.</p> + +<p class="author">[<i>Mrs. Punch.</i> "Brute!"]</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page048" id="page048"></a>[pg 048]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <a href="images/048.png"><img width="100%" src="images/048.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>"HOUSEHOLD WORDS."</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>Young Person</i> (<i>on taking a Situation with Maiden Lady</i>). "<span class="smcap">In the Course of Conversation, shall I address you as <i>Miss</i> or <i>Mum</i>?</span>"!!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE "PHANTOM BOARD."</h2> + +<p class="indent">(<i>See <span class="smcap">Mr. Vernon Lushington's</span> evidence before the +Megæra Commission</i>.)</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A <span class="smcap">darkling</span> place, of shadowy space,</p> +<p class="i2">Reached by a silent stair;</p> +<p>A skeleton clock, with a dusty face,</p> +<p class="i2">That marks time in the air,</p> +<p>To five grey ghosts, in blue and gold lace,</p> +<p class="i2">Each in ghost of a board-room chair.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Their red-tape is dust, their penknives are rust,</p> +<p class="i2">The ink in each standish is sere;</p> +<p>Their ghost-quills glide betwixt margins wide</p> +<p class="i2">Of foolscap, that blanks appear;</p> +<p>And their dead tongues' prose into dead ears goes,</p> +<p class="i2">And out at as dead an ear!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="indent">But on file and floor, and the tables o'er,</p> +<p class="i2">And in pigeon-holes well stored,</p> +<p>Are letters many, and papers more—</p> +<p class="i2">An ever-growing hoard!</p> +<p>No phantom of business, albeit before</p> +<p class="i2">My Lords of a Phantom Board!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>So much work to be done, and, alive, but one</p> +<p class="i2">To utter five phantoms' will!</p> +<p>The hours they run, but on <span class="smcap">Lushington</span></p> +<p class="i2">The papers are pouring still—</p> +<p>And how record for a Phantom Board,</p> +<p class="i2">With a merely mortal quill?</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Those letters come by messengers dumb—</p> +<p class="i2">A hundred thousand a year—</p> +<p>To this room or that, for ghost-clerks to thumb,</p> +<p class="i2">And be opened, here and there:</p> +<p>Who registers? None, all; all, some:</p> +<p class="i2">Who minutes? Ghost-hands in air.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>So, registered or unregistered,</p> +<p class="i2">As haste or hap may be;</p> +<p>Minuted or un-minuted,</p> +<p class="i2">As ghost, or none, may be free;</p> +<p>The gathering letters have come to a head</p> +<p class="i2">That a Phantom Board can see!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Alive but one,—Lone <span class="smcap">Lushington</span></p> +<p class="i2">Among that ghostly five,</p> +<p>And all this business to be done—</p> +<p class="i2">Needs must when phantoms drive!</p> +<p>"Enough to sign," he sighs, "not mine</p> +<p class="i2">To read, and still survive."</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And while he signs, and signs, and signs,</p> +<p class="i2">Its ghost of work upon,</p> +<p>In its red-tape toil the navy to coil,</p> +<p class="i2">The Phantom Board sits on:</p> +<p>Essay to seize, your grasp 'twill foil,</p> +<p class="i2">Looms, shadowy, and is gone!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Gone but to meet, in order neat,</p> +<p class="i2">As ghost-like as before,</p> +<p>In the navy blue, and cock'd hat a-slue,</p> +<p class="i2">That ancient <span class="smcap">Duncan</span> wore,</p> +<p>The Phantom First Lord at the head of the Board,</p> +<p class="i2">And, below, the Phantom Four!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Their ghosts of orders they have sped,</p> +<p class="i2">Their ghosts of minutes they sign;</p> +<p>But of ship ill-found, or fleet ill-led</p> +<p class="i2">The discredit all decline,</p> +<p>To the shrill "Not mine!" of their phantom-head,</p> +<p class="i2">Echoing their "Not mine."</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">John Bull</span>, outside, may groan and gride,</p> +<p class="i2">May fume and fret at will;</p> +<p>If he deems live heads his navy guide,</p> +<p class="i2">His sea-behests fulfil,</p> +<p>The works and the words of these Phantom Lords</p> +<p class="i2">No wonder he taketh ill.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For our ships we know how the sovereigns go.</p> +<p class="i2">Hard cash in hard hulls should end:</p> +<p>Why troop-ships are worked till they rotten grow,</p> +<p class="i2">We cannot comprehend;</p> +<p>Nor why squalls that blow about <span class="smcap">Reid & Co.</span></p> +<p class="i2">To the bottom should <i>Captains</i> send.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Some day, I think, with a sneeze and a wink,</p> +<p class="i2">Shocked wide-awake again,</p> +<p><span class="smcap">John Bull</span> will make free with the Board-room key,</p> +<p class="i2">Grope his way to the door, and then,</p> +<p>Round the Board-screen peep at the ghosts that keep</p> +<p class="i2">The seats of living men!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>We wouldn't hold posts among those ghosts—</p> +<p class="i2">Nor of Sea, nor of Civil Lord—</p> +<p>That to build <span class="smcap">John's</span> ships, and to guard <span class="smcap">John's</span> coasts,</p> +<p class="i2">Have borrowed his shield and sword:</p> +<p>If Ghosts <i>can</i> be kicked, kicked out of their posts</p> +<p class="i2">Will be the <span class="smcap">Phantom Board</span>!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <a href="images/049.png"><img width="100%" src="images/049.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>THE "PHANTOM BOARD."</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Bull.</span> "GHOSTS, BY JINGO!"</p> + +<p class="indent">[<i>What else did he expect to see at the Admiralty, after</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Vernon Lushington's</span> <i>awful Revelation</i>?</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page051" id="page051"></a>[pg 051]</span></p> + +<h2>LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Lorimer Stackworthy</span> is busy with a new life of one of +our earliest Queens, <span class="smcap">Boadicea</span>, based on contemporary documents +and family papers, many of which are in cipher. The publishers, +(<span class="smcap">Sporle and Mussitt</span>) will be glad to hear of an authentic portrait +of the subject of <span class="smcap">Mrs. Stackworthy'</span>s interesting monograph.</p> + +<p class="indent">The article, in the <i>Pedantic Review</i>, on "Pies and Puddings," +which has caused such a stir in literary and culinary circles, bears +strong internal evidence of the practised pen of <span class="smcap">Professor Porringer</span>. +That on "Extraordinary Ebullitions," in the <i>Impartialist</i>, +is understood to emanate from <span class="smcap">Dr. Julius Teezer</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Jewini's</span> great classic Opera—<i>La Vecchia Madre Ubardio</i>—will +be revived next season at La Scala.</p> + +<p class="indent">A new weekly periodical is announced. It will be printed, published, +edited, written, illustrated, stitched, and sold exclusively by +women, and the type, ink, and paper, will be supplied by manufacturers +who employ none but female artificers. Men will not be +allowed to interfere with this journal in any way, except as purchasers. +The title is <i>Superior Wisdom</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Signor Zafferano-Collina</span> has resumed his (open air) Organ +performances on Campden Hill. The Signor's <i>répertoire</i> has not +received any accession during the recess.</p> + +<p class="indent">In the course of the ensuing season, <span class="smcap">Messrs. Brane and Booker</span> +will bring to the hammer the valuable Library formed by the late +<span class="smcap">Jonathan Bell Diver</span>, M.A., F.A.S., F.E.L.S. It is remarkably +rich in nursery rhymes, cookery books, gipsyana, and treatises on +dentistry and fireworks, and includes a unique series of privately +printed publications relating to the County of Rutland.</p> + +<p class="indent">The result of more extended investigations goes to prove that the +<i>Octopus</i> will not attack man, except in defence of its religion.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Granby Fussforth</span> has completed his arrangements for the +delivery of a course of Six Lectures on "Winds and Windfalls," +in the North of London. He will afterwards make a tour through +Lambeth, Surrey, Southwark, and the Tower Hamlets, and will +probably conclude his labours in the Old Kent Road.</p> + +<p class="indent">Telegrams from Trebizond say that <span class="smcap">Madame Coralia Volanti</span> +has created a perfect <i>furore</i> there, by her extraordinary performances +on the high rope.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertha's Black Box</i> is the title of a new Serial Story, by a popular +and prolific writer, to be commenced in an early number of <i>Alsatia</i>. +It will be illustrated by <span class="smcap">Bannocks</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Wycherley Bibb</span> has a farcical comedy in preparation which +will be produced at the "Sheridan" in the course of the season. +The plot turns on one of the principal characters mistaking a private +mansion for an hotel. <span class="smcap">Facey Smiles</span> has a wonderful part in it.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Salvator Rose</span>, R.A., is working hard to get all his pictures +ready for the forthcoming Royal Academy Exhibition. Perhaps, +the most striking is a scene from <span class="smcap">Smith's</span> <i>Classical Dictionary</i>, in +which <span class="smcap">Agamemnon</span> is represented as blowing a kiss, across the +Prytaneum, to <span class="smcap">Clytemnestra</span>, who is pacing the Bema, in the +absence of her guardian on a secret expedition. <span class="smcap">Ægisthus</span> appears +in the background, detained by some law business, and the Chorus +is endeavouring to convince him that he is in the wrong. This +powerful painting, with its subtle <i>nuances</i>, its harmonious play of +light and shade, its truthful rendering of the Piraeus, and the +splendid drawing of the Chorus's left leg, will carry conviction to +all who can reverence a conscientious manipulation of another of the +grand old trilogies of the Athenian stage.</p> + +<p class="indent">The new metal, Fluozinium, is steadily making its way against +the current of scientific prejudice. It has been discovered in almost +limitless quantities in conjunction with tufa and hæmatite; and +the most delicate persons may inhale its fumes with perfect safety. +In specific gravity Fluozinium is superior both to nickel and cobalt; +it will ignite nowhere but on the box, and not often there; and for +porosity, frangibility, and opalescence, no metal in our time has +approached it.</p> + +<p class="indent">The Dryrot Society have at the present time two more volumes of +unusual interest ready for their subscribers, who, it must be said, +regretfully, are much in arrear with their subscriptions. One is +the Foundation Deeds, in abbreviated Latin, of the Monastery of +St. Kilda, in Kincardineshire, dating as far back as the fourteenth +century; the other, a list of all persons holding <i>in capite</i> a carucate +of land and upwards, who were in fief to the Crown in the +Border Wars. A few copies will be struck off on large paper, and +six on vellum.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SPEAKER-ELECT.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> <a href="images/051.png"><img width="100%" src="images/051.png" title="T" alt="T" /></a></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">he</span> details supplied by the +newspapers give but an +inadequate idea of the +interesting rites and +ceremonies which cluster +round the election of a +new <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>, and have +been observed, with undeviating +fidelity, since +those early times, when the +original <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> received +the sanction of his Sovereign +under the shade of +the "Parliament Oak" in +"Merry Sherwood."</p> + +<p class="indent">From the first moment +that he gets a post-card +informing him he is to be +proposed to the House for +the vacant Chair, the +<span class="smcap">Speaker</span>-designate gives +up the sports of the field, +dinner company, and all +other pleasures and amusements, +and devotes himself, +night and day, to the perusal of the journals of the House of +Commons, the investigation of the Standing Orders, and the study +of the Constitutional History of England, Parliamentary precedents +and privileges, and the Biographies of his predecessors.</p> + +<p class="indent">He reads a fixed portion of <i>Hansard</i> every morning and evening.</p> + +<p class="indent">He sees no one but the Clerk of the House and his Assistants, +who call to give him daily private tuition.</p> + +<p class="indent">He forms a collection of the photographs of all the Members, that +his recognition of them may be immediate and unerring.</p> + +<p class="indent">During the week before the meeting of Parliament he visits all his +old haunts for the last time, and takes leave of his friends, with +whom, of course, as First Commoner, he can never again mix on the +same familiar terms.</p> + +<p class="indent">The day before his election he has his hair cut.</p> + +<p class="indent">On the eve of the great event he retires to rest early, and on the +morning of the most momentous day in his life he rises with the +first streak of dawn in the east, and paces to and fro on Constitution +Hill, to collect his thoughts and prepare his speech.</p> + +<p class="indent">The Sergeant-at-Arms conveys him, attired in a full Court suit +to Westminster, in a close carriage, with the blinds drawn down, +and remains with him in a vault in the Victoria Tower, where +he is provided with the daily papers, writing materials, and refreshments, +until his proposer and seconder arrive to conduct him into +the House. (There is a large looking-glass in the vault, before which +he tries on his wig and gown, with the experienced aid of the +Sergeant.)</p> + +<p class="indent">The subsequent proceedings are pretty much as the papers have +described them, except that the Proposer and Seconder wear nosegays, +and carry halberds; and that the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> stands up before he +takes his seat in the chair, which is draped with the Union Jack, +brandishes the Mace (decked with ribbons for the occasion) three +times round his head, and in a loud voice, and in Norman French, +invites the whole of the officers of the House to dine with him that +evening at the Albion at seven.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page052" id="page052"></a>[pg 052]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> <a href="images/052.png"><img width="100%" src="images/052.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>INTERESTING DEVOTEES.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>Theresa.</i> <span class="smcap">"No, Charles—never! I have long determined to Devote +my Life to Charity; in fact, to become a Sister in an Anglican +Nunnery."</span></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Charles.</i> <span class="smcap">"Well, if you do, I'll bury myself for the rest of my miserable +Days in a—in a—a Monkery!"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>JOLLY WET.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">Hooray</span>! It rains, it pelts, it pours,</p> +<p>At work I shall be free from bores,</p> +<p>Who call and stay. The storm that roars,</p> +<p>The wet, will keep them all in-doors.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I've but to dread the Postman's knock,</p> +<p>A sharp but momentary shock,</p> +<p>I'll hope that it may bring no worse,</p> +<p>Than some attempt upon my purse.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Prospectus, Circular, or Puff,</p> +<p>Into the fire just won't I stuff,</p> +<p>And smile, as to myself I say,</p> +<p>"That postage-stamp is thrown away!"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>INQUESTS QUITE UNNECESSARY.</h2> + +<p class="indent">On Thursday last week, at a meeting of the Middlesex +Magistrates:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"A communication was received from the guardians of the +poor of the parish of St. Pancras, stating that there was an increase +in the number of inquests held upon the bodies of persons +dying in the workhouse, and that a majority of them were unnecessary; +but the guardians were powerless to prevent such +inquests being held, and were of opinion that if the fees receivable +by the medical officers of the workhouses in the metropolis +were abolished, a number of such inquests would no longer be +held." +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The insinuation against the metropolitan Poor-Law +medical officers of a charge of obtaining fees under false +pretences, does credit to the shopkeepers in limited lines +of business out of whose inner self-consciousness it +sprang. Of course the inquests held upon many of the +paupers who have died in the St. Pancras Workhouse +have been unnecessary. There, not very much more particularly +than in other workhouses, can the majority of +paupers be supposed to perish from special neglect. +Most of them, no doubt, die of mere misery.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Victoria and Hahnemann.</h2> + +<p class="indent">"The <span class="smcap">Queen</span> has been pleased to send a present of game for +the patients of the Hospital for Consumption, Brompton."</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Similia similibus.</i> <span class="smcap">Her Majesty</span> treats, by promoting +consumption. But the First of Lady Doctors does not +"exhibit" infinitesimal doses. Truly Royal practice of +homœopathy.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SOUTH KENSINGTON BAZAAR.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> has seldom been more disgusted—and that is saying +a good deal in these days—than by the low, sordid, Philistine, +anticosmopolitan agitation on the subject of the International +Exhibitions.</p> + +<p class="indent">He will endeavour to express himself calmly on the topic, but +gives no pledge that he will not be induced to use strong language.</p> + +<p class="indent">British manufacturers and vendors complain (he hates people that +complain of anything) that the Foreigner is unduly and unjustly +favoured by the directors of these Exhibitions. "Foreigner!" At +the outset, that word is in itself offensive. All mankind are Brothers, +more or less. But let that pass.</p> + +<p class="indent">The Foreigner is allowed to bring to South Kensington whatever +wares he pleases, and to exhibit them to the best advantage at handsome +stalls, for which he pays no rent. To the Exhibition the +British public is invited by every official blandishment—fête, flower-show, +and music are among the attractions—and for several months +the very best and most opulent portion of society is thus brought to +be tempted by the Foreigner's productions.</p> + +<p class="indent">Furthermore, the Foreigner is allowed to deprive the Exhibition +of its character as an Exhibition, and to make it a shop. For +he may sell anything which he has brought over (whether it be +part of his show, or any other article which it has occurred to him +as likely to be acceptable), and the purchaser may take it away at +once. This is coarsely described as entirely departing from the +theory that it was by the display and comparison of wares that the +interests of Art were to be promoted. It is irreverently urged +that the accomplished Prince who originally devised those Exhibitions +would never have sanctioned their being converted into +Shops and Bazaars.</p> + +<p class="indent">The British manufacturers and vendors condescend to urge that +this is not giving them fair play, that the Foreigner is helped in +every way to sell his goods, and that the Briton who pays rent for +his own shop, and heavy taxes for the support of the State, is rendered +all the less able to do so, by reason that custom is drawn away +from him in favour of those who pay neither rent nor taxes.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Punch</i> regrets to find that Leading Men of business take +these narrow views, and that the representatives of some of the most +eminent firms in England have met under the auspices of the <span class="smcap">Lord +Mayor</span>, also a man of business, to assert that the system is unjust. +It may be thought that when such men deliberately protest against +anything, they may be supposed to have good reasons for their +protest. But this is a commonplace way of thinking.</p> + +<p class="indent">Let us try and rise above mere material views, and let the holy +and genial rays of the sun of cosmopolitanism warm up our insular +hearts. All mankind are Brothers, as has been already observed, and +who would grudge his brother anything? Why should the British +person be considered in the matter? Talk of his paying taxes—well, +he does not like to pay them—and if he is ruined, he will not be called +upon to pay them any more. That is a detail beneath contempt. +What <i>Mr. Punch</i> is so ashamed of, is the chill and callous British +nature, which refuses to recognise the holiness of universal philanthropy, +and clings to old-fashioned ideas of a man's duty to his own +family and his own nation. The Englishman who could see in the +prosperity of the Rue de Rivoli no compensation for the ruin of +Regent Street, is so low in the scale of civilisation that we blush to +call him countryman.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Punch</i> has no such sordid feelings, and his noble heart will +leap with generous joy to behold the wealthy pouring out their gold +on the counter or at the stall of his Foreign Brothers at South Kensington, +and if his British Brother is, as he thinks, unfairly used +and impoverished, let him find consolation in the thought that we +are all the same "flesh and blood." Let him mention this to <span class="smcap">Mr. +Lowe's</span> tax-collector, and it is certain that the latter will, like +<span class="smcap">Sterne's</span> angel, drop a gentle tear on the charge he was going to +make, and blot it out for ever.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page053" id="page053"></a>[pg 053]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <a href="images/053.png"><img width="100%" src="images/053.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>PLEASURES OF HUNTING BY RAIL.</h3> + +<p class="indent">JONES'S NEW HORSE—FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE TRAIN STARTS.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PAST AND PRESENT OBSTRUCTION.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">Where</span> now are the Parsons, with too high a hand</p> +<p class="i2">Who whilom were wont things to carry?</p> +<p>The sole Clergy known to the Law of the Land,</p> +<p class="i2">With charter to bury and marry,</p> +<p>Whose Pluralists lazily fattened, like swine;</p> +<p class="i2">Their rubicund joles bloomed like roses:</p> +<p>They were used so to soak themselves full of port-wine,</p> +<p class="i2">That it purpled their overgrown noses.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O where and O where are those proud Parsons gone?</p> +<p class="i2">O where and O where shall we find them,</p> +<p>With the waistcoat so full, and the shovel-hat on,</p> +<p class="i2">As our limners in their days designed them?</p> +<p>A sinecure mostly the cure of the souls</p> +<p class="i2">To which for attention not giving</p> +<p>They never feared being called over the coals,</p> +<p class="i2">They showed forth their fruits of good living.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To the Church they were stanch; they held on with a kind</p> +<p class="i2">Of a power like horseleeches' of suction,</p> +<p>Intolerant, bigoted, narrow, and blind,</p> +<p class="i2">They but lived to persist in obstruction.</p> +<p>They evermore voted for absolute rule,</p> +<p class="i2">For coercion, restraint, and repression,</p> +<p>And exclusion, by tests, from each College and School,</p> +<p class="i2">They opposed every kind of concession.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Those Parsons of old are no longer seen here;</p> +<p class="i2">Now no more do they hamper this nation.</p> +<p>They are all gone the way of <span class="smcap">Herr Breitmann</span> his beer;</p> +<p class="i2">They have ceased to obstruct education.</p> +<p>The Church has grown broad, throwing open each door,</p> +<p class="i2">Which, the bigot except, each one enters,</p> +<p>And we now, in the place of the Parsons of yore,</p> +<p class="i2">Behold cross-grained and jealous Dissenters.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A CARD.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">H.R.H. the Prince of Wales</span> would convey, through his friend, +<i>Mr. Punch</i>, warmest thanks to all his loyal and loving fellow-subjects +for their sympathy, earnest interest, and kind inquiries. In +due time H. R. H. hopes to make public acknowledgment of the +national feeling which has been so nobly testified.</p> + +<p class="indent">Meantime, by advice of his friend above mentioned, H. R. H. +signifies that he would be particularly obliged if all Mayors, Beadles, +Corporations, Cocked Hats, Town Clerks, Silver Maces, Respected +Townsmen, and other Activities would kindly allow him some respite +before the flood of Conventional Congratulation is turned on. Might +he ask to be allowed the quiet and peace permitted to other convalescents? +Would Addressers deign to remember that though he is a +Prince, "a man's a man for a' that"?</p> + +<p class="author">A. E.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Sandringham.</i> Respect This! <b>PUNCH.</b></p> + +<p class="author"><i>Fleet Street.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Portsmouth or Brighton.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Shall</span> the Easter Monday Volunteer Review be holden at Brighton +or Portsmouth? This question may have been decided in favour of +Brighton by the Sovereign, or by the Shilling, which would have +done equally well, to determine the choice by a toss-up; and sufficient +for that, indeed, would have been "skying a copper." Brighton has +downs adapted for the field of military manœuvres, but so has Portsmouth; +and as to either place, whether you regard the neighbourhood +or the inhabitants, it is hard to say which is the more downy.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>No Mistake in the Name.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">As</span> "A Thankoffering from India," a contemporary announces +that on account of the recovery of the <span class="smcap">Prince of Wales</span>, a +charitable donation of £200 has been sent to London by <span class="smcap">Mr. Cowasjee +Jehangier Readymoney</span>. Anybody would have given <span class="smcap">Mr. +Readymoney</span> credit for having earned his name, and now everybody +must see that he well deserves it. Is <span class="smcap">Mr. Readymoney</span> a +Parsee? At any rate, he is the reverse of Parsi-monious.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page054" id="page054"></a>[pg 054]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> <a href="images/054.png"><img width="100%" src="images/054.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>THE CONNOISSEURS.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>Groom.</i> <span class="smcap">"Whew's Beer do you Like Best—this 'ere Hom'brewed o' +Fisk's, or that there Ale they gives yer at the White Ho's'?"</span></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Keeper</i> (<i>critically</i>). <span class="smcap">"Well, o' the Tew I prefers this 'ere. That there +o' Wum'oods's don't Fare to me to Taste o' Nawthun at all. Now this +'ere dew Taste o' the Cask!!"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EDUCATIONAL EPIGRAMS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">I.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="smcap">About</span> the Three R's views unite</p> +<p class="i2">As voices blend in song.</p> +<p>For the Fourth R, what some hold right,</p> +<p class="i2">That all folk else deem wrong.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Of those Fourth R's as yet while none</p> +<p class="i2">The right R proved can be,</p> +<p>To teach them all, therein where one,</p> +<p class="i2">Why can't good folk agree?</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">II.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Milk is for babes, wrote one that knew.</p> +<p>Sectarian Educators, you</p> +<p class="i2">Who dogmas teach which Doctors question,</p> +<p>Are you not giving babes strong meat,</p> +<p>So much too tough for them to eat,</p> +<p class="i2">The upshot must be indigestion?</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AN OBJECT OF SYMPATHY.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Can</span> a man murder his wife? The point seems doubtful, +to judge by the common experience of the Courts, +and the general tone of public opinion, when a charge +for this questionable offence is under consideration or +comment. On the whole, it would seem to be desirable +that we should cease to use the term "Murder" of Wife-killing, +and create a special term for that offence—if +offence it can be called. May we suggest either "Wife-icide," +or "Spousi-cide," or "Uxori-cide"? It would +be the correlative, in cases of feminine life-taking, of +"justifiable homicide" in the case of male.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was very touching to observe the general expression +of newspaper sympathy with an individual lately convicted +for having pushed a little too far, perhaps, the +natural feeling of exasperation and impatience with a +wife who may safely be assumed to have been a very +aggravating person. "Poor monomaniac," "unfortunate +gentleman," and so forth, are terms which +testify to the natural tenderness of the public feeling +towards one who is subjected to such painful consequences +for so venial an act of temporary irritation.</p> + +<p class="indent">We are glad to see that this touching and well-directed +sympathy is confined to this unfortunate victim of a +rash impulse. As for the woman who provoked him, we +observe only a considerate silence, or the expression of a +feeling equivalent to the well-known Cornish verdict—"Sarved +her right."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NEWS FROM NAPLES.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> received a letter stating that in the writer's opinion it +might interest <i>Mr. P.'s</i> readers to know the state of the weather in +Naples. If there be one thing in the world nobody out of Naples +cares one farthing about, <i>Mr. Punch</i> supposes that thing to be +mentioned above. But, <i>respice finem</i>. On examining the report +enclosed by his Correspondent, <i>Mr. Punch</i> discovers that the subject +is very interesting indeed. Here is the faithful reprint of an +official document supplied to the <i>Naples Observer</i>. Emphatically +we call the weather in question queer weather. We omit barometers +and thermometers, and all that stuff.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">State of the Weather in Naples from the 6th to the +12th Jan. 1872.</span></p> + +<table border="1" width="100%" summary="naples"> +<tr> +<td> +DATE. +</td> +<td> +OBSERVATIONS. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +Jan. 6 +</td> +<td> +Rain and p. m +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +7</td> +<td> +Rain right Clouded da<i>y</i>. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +8</td> +<td> +Rain rlg<i>h</i>t off on day. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +9</td> +<td> +Heag rain thurdestorm rain d. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +10</td> +<td> +Heag rain swig right. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +11</td> +<td> +Clouded day. +</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> +12</td> +<td> +Brig<i>h</i>th da<i>y</i>. +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Spiritualism for Sailors.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mr. Vernon Lushington</span>, Permanent Secretary to the Admiralty, +speaking of that body of naval administrators, doubtless, with +knowledge and in sincerity, calls it a "Phantom Board." A Board +of Phantoms may be said to be a Board of Ghosts, and such a Board +of Admiralty sending British seamen afloat in rotten <i>Megæras</i>, is a +Board of Ghosts with power to add to their number.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A MODEST DEMAND.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">The</span> season might be milder—it could hardly be more malevolent. +But here is mildness:—</p> + +<blockquote> +A WIDOWER of middle age, of quiet and regular habits, who has +three children at boarding school, desires a HOME in the house of an +independent Christian widow or single lady, whose object in letting apartments +is chiefly society, who would accept merely nominal terms, and where +he would be the only lodger. Nice house and servant desirable.—Address, +with every particular, &c., &c. +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">What a charming person must this advertiser be, if we may judge +from the high value which he sets on his society! No doubt he has +been deluged with replies to his advertisement. What independent +lady could possibly decline to offer him the home which he so modestly +demands, and to sacrifice her independence by accepting him as +lodger, first, and finally as lord, as soon as he inclined to offer her +his heart? "Beware of widows, <i>Sammy!</i>" said the elder <i>Mr. +Weller</i>. Beware of widowers, ladies! adds the wiser <i>Mr. Punch</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Weather and the Paths.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Foul weather! Come on, my Macintosh</p> +<p class="i2">And my Boots; we'll never mind it,</p> +<p>While the rain the face of the Earth doth wash,</p> +<p class="i2">Though the dirtier still we find it.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Freshwomen of the Future.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">It</span> is proposed to transfer the Ladies' College to Cambridge. This +addition, if made, to Alma Mater will, in case of future controversy +between disorderly undergraduates and other inhabitants, be +obviously an advantage over Town in favour of Gown. For even +the Graduates and Dons of the gentler sex will all be Gownswomen.</p> + +<hr class="full"/> + +<h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.</p> + +<p class="indent">Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. For instance, a quotation mark is missing in the +first main paragraph of "Evenings From Home," and the formatting and spelling of the table under "State of the Weather in Naples from the 6th to the +12th Jan. 1872" is kept as-is.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 51, last part of the poem "The 'Phantom Board'." was moved to page 48 so that the full page illustration "The 'Phantom Board'." would not divide the poem.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +62, Feb 3, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38786-h.htm or 38786-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/7/8/38786/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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