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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: January 15, 2012 [EBook #38586]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+    MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+    Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+    Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in
+    itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the
+    masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to
+    "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF NATURE'S GALLANTS. _Loafer (to fair occupant on
+her way to Court)._ "Ullo, Ethel! All alone?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR
+
+IN PICTURE AND STORY
+
+_WITH 133 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+  BY
+
+  PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE,
+  L. RAVEN-HILL, TOM BROWNE,
+  C. SHEPPERSON, E. T. REED,
+  BERNARD PARTRIDGE, J. A.
+  SHEPHERD, G. D. ARMOUR,
+  GEORGE DU MAURIER, AND
+  OTHERS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages, fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+EDITOR'S NOTE
+
+Cockney humour smacks, of course, of the town and makes up in smartness
+and shrewdness what it lacks in mellowness. The Cockney is as a rule a
+conscious humorist; you laugh _with_ him very often, whereas you nearly
+always laugh _at_ the rustic humorist.
+
+George Du Maurier concerned himself a good deal with Cockney character,
+but he was not in sympathy with the Cockney; generally he had an obvious
+contempt for him, and most of his jokes turn on the dropped H, the
+mispronounced word, and educational deficiencies. He portrays some of
+the Cockney's superficial characteristics; he despises him too much to
+be able to get at the heart of him and reveal his character.
+
+Take Phil May's pictures and jokes, and the difference is at once
+apparent. He was fully alive to the Cockney's deficiencies of manner and
+culture; now and then he quite genially and without the least touch of
+scorn or self-complacency makes fun of them; but he really gives you the
+Cockney character. Take, for instance, such a picture as his "Politics
+and Gallantry," his "I say, 'Arry, don't we look frights!" his "Informal
+Introduction"--(the self-consciousness of the girl's expression, and the
+blatant pride of the man's)--here, and in almost any of his drawings you
+turn to, you have the absolutely natural Cockney; his types are full of
+character and so true and free from condescension that not only are we
+moved irresistibly to laugh at them, but the Cockney himself would be
+the first to recognise their truth and to laugh joyously at them too. We
+may say pretty much the same of Charles Keene, of Mr. Raven-Hill, of Mr.
+Bernard Partridge, and of others of the "Punch" artists represented
+here, who illustrate the essential Cockney character, and do not go on
+the easy assumption that dropped H's and mispronounced words and
+aggressive vulgarity are the beginning and the end of it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR
+
+"All's swell that ends swell," as 'Arry remarked when he purchased a
+pair of "misfits."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY AND 'ARRIET'S FAVOURITE ITALIAN POET.--'Ariosto.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTHER WIT.--_First Coster._ I say, Bill, wot's the meanin' o' Congress?
+
+_Second Coster._ A shee heel. Female of conger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LONDONER'S RURAL REFLECTION.--The Hayfield is better than the
+Haymarket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY'S LAMENT
+
+"A public meeting was held at Hampstead last night to protest against
+the tampering with the Heath by tube railway promoters."--_Daily Paper._
+
+  Wot! Toobs on 'appy 'Amstid?
+    A stytion at _Jack Strors_?
+  I 'old the sime a bloomin' shim
+    An' clean agin the lors,
+      Leastwyes it oughter be--
+      If lors wos mide by me
+      No toobs yer wouldn't see
+        On 'appy 'Amstid.
+
+  Wy, wheer are we ter go, Liz,
+    Ter git a breath of air?
+  Yer'll set yer teeth agin the 'eath
+    When theer's a toob up there.
+      A pinky-yaller stytion
+      By wye o' deckyrytion--
+      I calls it desecrytion,
+        'Appy 'Amstid.
+
+  Oh! sive us 'appy 'Amstid!
+    It's Parrydise, you bet!
+  Theer ain't no smoke ter 'arm a bloke.
+    Nor yet no smuts as yet.
+      An' so I 'opes they'll tell
+      This bloomin' Yanky swell
+      Ter send 'is toobs ter--well,
+        Not 'appy 'Amstid!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WILD WILD EAST
+
+_First Coster._ "Say, Bill, 'ow d'yer like my new kickseys? Good fit,
+eh?"
+
+_Second Coster._ "Fit! They ain't no _fit_. They're a _haper-plictick
+stroke_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST
+
+The common blackbeetles (_Scarabaeus niger_) which so abundantly infest
+the culinary regions of Cockaigne are alleged to be agreeable, although
+profuse, in flavour, provided they be delicately larded before crimping,
+and then fricasseed or simply fried. Care should specially be taken not
+to injure their antennae, which, when crisp with egg and breadcrumbs,
+exquisitely tickle the palate of the gourmet, and provoke him to the
+liveliest of gastronomic feats. There lurks in vulgar minds a savage
+prejudice against these interesting insects, by reason, very likely, of
+the popular impression that at times they have been manufactured into
+Soy. But this may be assumed to be mere idle superstition, and Soyer,
+the great _chef_, wisely set his face against it, remarking, as he did
+so, "_Honi Soy qui mal y pense._"
+
+Among the warblers which abound in the vicinity of the metropolis, one
+of the most interesting is the little mudlark (_Alauda Greenwichiensis_)
+whose plaintive cry may nightly be heard upon the shore of the river,
+where these little creatures congregate in flocks, and pick up any grub
+which they may chance to meet with.
+
+Doubts have been entertained by sundry Cockney naturalists whether the
+pyramids of oyster shells, which in the early part of August used to be
+noticed in the streets, should be regarded as a proof of the migratory
+habits of the mollusc. That the oyster is a sluggard and objects to
+leave his bed seems pretty generally admitted; but that he is endowed
+with the power of locomotion has, fortunately for science, been placed
+beyond a doubt. Whether oysters shed their shells when they are crossed
+in love is a point on which the naturalist is still somewhat in the
+dark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SELF-EVIDENT.--It must have been a cockney who said that St. Bees came
+from St. 'Ives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DEAD LETTER.--Too often H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, Bill, 'ere comes two champion doners! Let's kid
+'em 'at we're hofficers!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EPSOM UP TO DATE.
+
+_'Arry._ "Ain't ye comin' to see the 'orse run for yer money?"
+
+_Cholley._ "Not me! No bloomin' fear! I'm goin' to see this cove don't
+run _with_ my money!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ROYAL ALBERT HALL
+
+  TO DAY AT 3 PATTI
+
+"I 'ear this 'ere Patti ain't _'arf_ bad!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Would you gentlemen like to look at the old church?"
+
+"Ho, yus. We're _nuts_ on old churches!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Quoth an eminent literary man, in the hearing of 'Arry, "All George
+Meredith's poetry might be republished under one title as 'Our
+Georgics.'"
+
+"Oo's 'Icks'?" asked 'Arry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE TEACHING OF ERSE IN IRELAND."--"Well," says 'Arry, "it sounds
+uncommon funereal. O' course I knew an erse and plumes and coal black
+'osses is what they call a 'moral lesson.' But why make such a fuss
+about it in Ireland?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AWKWARD NAME.--'Arry, on a marine excursion, hearing mention made of
+the two sea-birds the great auk and the little auk, inquired if the
+little auk was a sparrow-'awk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"He is the greatest liar on (H)earth," as the Cockney said of the
+lap-dog he often saw lying before the fire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE VERNACULAR.
+
+"Yer know that young Germin feller as come ter sty in our 'ouse six
+months agow? Well, w'en fust 'e come, I give yer my word'e didn' know
+nothink but 'is own lengwidge; but we bin learnin' 'im English, an' now
+e' can speak it puffick--jes' the sime as wot you an' me can."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNER FOR THE H-LESS. GOOD EDUCATIONAL COURSE FOR AN UNEDUCATED
+COCKNEY.--An _aitch_-bone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEYS AT ALDERSHOT.--_First Cockney._ "'Ere, 'Arry, where's the
+colonel?"
+
+_Second Cockney._ "The _colonel_, bless yer, 'e's in _an 'ut_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOUSEHOLD NOTE.--_(By a Cockney). What to do with cold mutton. H_eat
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY CONUNDRUM.--Wot lake in Hengland's got the glassiest buzzum?
+
+Windermere.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR CIVES ROMANI.--The way to 'Ampton races?--The 'Appy 'Un (Appian) of
+course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Bus Conductor._ "Emmersmith! Emmersmith! 'Ere ye are
+Emmersmith!"
+
+_Liza Ann._ "Oo er yer callin' Emmer Smith? Sorcy 'ound!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POOR LETTER "A."
+
+"Do you sell type?"--"Type, sir? No, sir. This is an ironmonger's.
+You'll find type at the linendryper's over the w'y!"
+
+"I don't mean _tape_, man! _Type_, for _printing_!"
+
+"Oh, _toype_ yer mean! I beg yer pardon, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MYOPIA
+
+_Little Binks (to unsteady party who had lurched heavily against him)._
+"I beg your pardon, I'm sure, but I'm very short-sighted----"
+
+_Dissipated Stranger._ "Do' mensh't, shir--I've met goo' many shor'
+sight peopl'sh morn', bu' you're firsh gen'l'm'sh made 'shli'sht
+'pology!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR 'ARRY AGAIN!
+
+  'Arry _is at a hotel where the boarding system prevails, and sees the
+  following notice posted on the walls--"Breakfast, 9 a.m."_
+
+_'Arry (to Waiter)._ "Breakfast, and some 'am."
+
+_Waiter._ "We've no 'am."
+
+_'Arry._ "No 'am! _(Pointing to notice.)_ What's that?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Says one 'Arry to another 'Arry._ "I say, old man, the papers say they
+'ope 1882 will be the openin' of a new era. What's that?"
+
+_Second 'Arry._ "Openin' of a new 'earer? Why, a telephone, of course,
+you juggins!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG FOR COCKNEY SPORTSMEN
+
+  The hart's in the Highlands,
+    Of that there's no fear,
+  And 'tis there you may buy lands
+    For stalking the deer:
+  But the hills are no trifle,
+    And they're windy and cold,
+  So your wish you'd best stifle,
+    Or buy, and be--sold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOOD NEWS
+
+_'Arry._ "T'aint no good miking a fuss about it, yer know, guv'nor! Me
+and my pals must 'ave our 'd'y out'!"
+
+_Foreign Fellow-traveller._ "Aha! Die out! You go to die out? Mon Dieu!
+I am vairy glad to 'ear it. It is time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FORCE OF HABIT; OR, CITY SUSPICIONS
+
+_'Arry (who is foraging for his camping party)._ "Look here, my good
+woman, are these cabbages fresh?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Dobbs._ "Hullo! what's that? Looks like a mowing
+machine."
+
+_Hairdresser (who does not appreciate "chaff")._ "No, sir, 'tain't a
+mowin' machine. It's meant to give gentlemen fresh _h_air."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BITING SARCASM
+
+_Gentleman with the Broom (who has inadvertently splashed the artist's
+favourite shipwreck)._ "Ow yus! I suppose yer think ye're the president
+o' the Roy'l Acadermy! A settin' there in the lap er luxury!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOREIGN COMPETITION
+
+_British Habitual Criminal._ "Well, if these 'ere furrin aliens is
+a-goin' ter take the bread out of a honest man's mouth--blimey if I
+don't turn copper!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY APPROPRIATE.--Says 'Arry, "Regular good place for a medical man to
+live in is 'Ill Street, Berkeley Square. But why don't he cure it and
+make it Quite Well Street?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMENT BY A COCKNEY
+
+  Bad-Gastein! Sounds more fit than nice, and yet
+    They say most healing waters there are had.
+  Strange, though, that people fancy good to get
+    By going to the Bad!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'Arriet read from a daily paper, "Navigation in the Ouse." "I s'pose,"
+said 'Arry, "as the members are goin' to 'ave a 'ouse-boat this season.
+Which 'ouse? Hupper or lower? Whichever's to steer? The Speaker or Lord
+'Igh Chancellor?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO DISTINCT CLASSES.--The aristocracy and the '_Arry_-stocracy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WITHERING.
+
+_'Arry._ "I s'y--does one tip the witers 'ere?"
+
+_Alphonse._ "Not onless you are reecher zan ze vaiter, sare!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BLESSED HERITAGE
+
+["Poverty is a blessed heritage."--_Mr. Carnegie._]
+
+  'Ere, Lizer, wheer's yer gratitood? 'E ses, ses Mr. C.,
+  As it's a blessed 'eritage, is poverty, ses 'e.
+  Then think 'ow thankful an' 'ow blest we oughter feel, us two,
+  But yet yer that contrairy that I'm blest, Liz, if yer do.
+
+  Wot? 'Ungry? Wot is 'unger? Don't it vary the monotony
+  An' Wooster sorce yer vittles, that's supposin' as yer've got any?
+  Then think of them pore millionaires wot misses the delight
+  Of 'avin' 'ad no breakfast on a roarin' happytite.
+
+  Then money! I Think, Elizer, of them cruel stocks and shares
+  Wot makes their lives a torter to them martyred millionaires
+  Oh, ain't we much more appy when the sticks is up the spout
+  An' the kids is wantin' dinner and 'as got ter go without?
+
+  And don't it make yer 'eart bleed, too, to think of all the care
+  Of mansions in the country and an 'ouse in Grosvenor Square?
+  Ah, what would them pore fellers give if honly they could come
+  An' live with all their fam'ly in our garret hup the slum?
+
+  Wot, Liz? Yer'd like ter see 'em come? 'Ere, none o' that theer charf!
+  Yer'd sell yer bloomin' birthright for a pot of 'arf-an-'arf?
+  Lor, Liz! Ter think as you should be in sich a thankless mood!
+  Yer've got a "blessed 'eritage," an' 'ere's yer gratitood!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY EXAMINED.--_Q._ "What is meant by 'Higher Education'"?
+
+_'Arry._ "Getting a tutor at so much a week. That's the way I should
+'ire education--if I wanted it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY HE IS SUCH A DULL BOY.
+
+"'Arry," said an eminent comic singer to his friend, confidentially at
+the Oxford, "I'm exclusively engaged at the music 'alls; mayn't perform
+in a theatre."
+
+"Then," replied 'Arry, knowingly, "it's all work and no play with you."
+
+The conclusion was so evident that, had it not been for a good deal of
+soothing syrup at 'Arry's expense, there might have been a serious
+breach of the peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Toff._ "I say, my boy, would you like to drive me to
+Piccadilly?"
+
+_Boy._ "I shouldn't mind, old sport, only I don't fink the 'arness would
+fit yer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IDDEN AND POOR LETTER H
+
+_Tout Contractor (who has been paid a shilling per man, and sees his way
+to a little extra profit)._ "Now look 'ere, you two H's! The public
+don't want yer--nor _I_ don't, nor nobody don't; so jist drop them
+boards, and then 'ook it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OBSERVATIONS BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST
+
+A nightingale has been heard singing in Kensington Gardens (_vide
+Times_, April 19). A salmon has been seen swimming close to London
+Bridge. A trout has been observed (reposing on a marble slab) near to
+Charing Cross. Sticklebacks have been captured in the waters of the
+Serpentine. Plovers eggs have been discovered in the middle of Covent
+Garden: I myself have found there as many as two dozen in a single walk.
+There is a rookery in St. Giles's, well known to the police. I have seen
+a pigeon shot not far from Shepherd's Bush, and I have heard one has
+been plucked by a member of the hawk tribe at another West-End haunt.
+Blackbeetles are common in the back kitchens of Belgravia, and
+bluebottles abound among the butchers of Whitechapel during the warm
+months. There is another kind of fly, which is said to be indigenous to
+the stables of the jobmasters, and which also may be seen by observant
+Cockney naturalists, but less seldom in Whitechapel than near the
+Regent's Park. Sparrow-clubs have not been established yet in London,
+but pea-shooters are common in many of its streets. I am told that early
+risers may hear a male canary singing in the neighbourhood of Islington
+at four o'clock, A.M., and may also hear a cock crow any morning, except
+Sunday, between five and six o'clock. The thrush has been observed among
+sundry of the children, under medical inspection, in the nurseries and
+infant hospitals of town. Little ducks are plentiful in the _salons_ of
+Tyburnia, and in Bayswater and Brompton there are numbers of great
+geese. Welsh rabbits may be seen close to Covent Garden, and wild
+turkeys have been noticed even in the Strand, hanging by the beak. In
+the purlieus of St. Stephen's, where are the sacred haunts of the
+collective wisdom of the kingdom, I have heard the hootings of many an
+old owl. From information which I have received from members of the
+metropolitan police, I may assert that larks are common in the
+Haymarket, and that on the shores of the silver Thames at Wapping there
+is frequently observable a goodly flock of mudlarks. From similar
+information, I may add that there are careful observers in the streets
+who rarely pass a day without their setting their eyes upon a robbin'.
+Who shall say that in the very midst of the metropolis there is not
+abundant evidence of a truly rural, and a tooral-looral life?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NIGHT-BIRDS THAT MAKE WEST-END NIGHT HIDEOUS.--The 'owls of 'Arry after
+his larks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARADE FOR COSTERMONGERS.--My first is unfathomable, my second
+odoriferous, and my whole is a people of Africa.--_Abyss-inians._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLATION FOR COCKNEYS.--It is all very well to talk of the fine
+boulevards of Paris; but in the French metropolis, where the rent is so
+high, and the living so dear, there is not one street to be named with
+Cheapside.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Arry (encountering a shut gate for the first time)._
+"Wonder which end the thing opens? Ah, 'ere y'are! 'Ere's the 'ooks an'
+eyes!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BEAN HARVEST
+
+_Cockney Tourist._ "Tut-t-t! Good gracious! What ever can 'ave made the
+corn turn so black?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EASTER VACATION.
+
+_Owner._ "Well, the poor old moke ain't been quite 'isself lately, so we
+thought a day in the country 'ud do im good!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISTAKES ABOUT SCOTLAND
+
+_(Contributed by a Converted Cockney)_
+
+It is a mistake to believe that every Scotchman, when he goes to
+Edinburgh, immediately walks down Princes Street clad in the ancient
+costume of the Highlanders.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that the _piece de resistance_ at every
+Scotch dinner-party is a haggis.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman does not enjoy a joke every
+bit as much as an Englishman.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that a Scotch Sabbath in the country is a
+whit more _triste_ than an English Sunday in the provinces.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman sets a greater value upon
+his "bawbee" than an Englishman upon his shilling or an American upon
+his dollar.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that inns in Scotland are dearer and less
+comfortable than hotels in England.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that we have a city in England that can
+compare favourably (from an architectural point of view) with the town
+of Edinburgh.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that it always rains in the Isle of Skye.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that there are no more "Fair Maids" in the
+houses of Perth.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that Hampstead Heath is as beautiful as
+Dunkeld.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that the Caledonian Canal is at all like the
+Serpentine.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that Aberdeen is less imposing in appearance
+than Chelsea or Islington.
+
+It is a mistake to believe that the countrymen of Scott and Burns do not
+appreciate the works of Shakspeare, Milton, Byron, Dickens, Thackeray,
+and Tennyson.
+
+And, lastly (this is added to the Cockney's list by the wisest sage of
+this or any other age), it is the greatest mistake of all to believe
+that _Mr. Punch_ does not like and respect (in spite of an occasional
+joke at their expense) the kindly, homely, sound-hearted people who live
+north of the Tweed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE RACES.
+
+_Little 'Arry (who has had a "bad day"--to driver of public coach)._
+"Ever lose any money backin' 'orses, coachie?"
+
+_Driver._ "Not 'alf! Lost twenty quid once--backed a pair of 'orses and
+a homnibus into a shop window in Regent Street!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "Dear me, what a nice refined-looking little
+boy. Why, Jane, he has a mouth fit for a cherub; I really must give him
+sixpence."
+
+    [_Does so._
+
+_The Cherub (five seconds later)._ "S-s-s-s!! Billee! the old gal's give
+me a tanner!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY OUR COCKNEY
+
+When is a yew tree not a yew tree? When it's a 'igh tree.
+
+Talking of that, _Mr. P._, what a nice line the Great Northern to
+Hedgware is, to be sure. I am, as you know, werry partickler about my
+"H"s, but "'ang me," as my friend 'Arry Belleville says, "if t'ain't
+'nough to spoil your pronunshiashun for a hage and hall time to 'ave to
+'ear such names of stations one atop of tother, as the followin', as
+called out by the porters an' guards:"
+
+  'Olloway.
+  Seven Scissors Road.
+  Crouch Hend.
+  'Ighgate and 'Ampstead.
+  Heast Hend.
+  Finchley and 'Endon.
+  Mill 'Ill.
+  Hedgware.
+
+There's a lot for you! And t'other line goes to 'Arford, 'Atfield, and
+Saint All-buns. Saint _All Buns_ would be a good feast, eh, sir?
+
+  Yours,
+
+    _Hivy 'Ouse, 'Oxton._
+
+      ENERY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Combatant._ "----!----!----! &c."
+
+_Bystander._ "Why don't yer answer 'im back?"
+
+_Second Combatant._ "'Ow can I? 'E's used all the best words!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COCKNEY RHAPSODY
+
+    [A critic in the _Daily News_ accuses artists generally of
+    ignorance in their treatment of rural subjects, and declares that
+    nearly every picture of work in the hay or harvest field is
+      incorrect.]
+
+  Come revel with me in the country's delights,
+  Its rapturous pleasures, its marvellous sights;
+  No landscape of common or garden I praise,
+  But Nature's strange charms that the painter pourtrays.
+
+  No summer begins there, and spring never ends,
+  It mingles with autumn, with winter it blends;
+  Its primroses bloom when the barley is ripe,
+  Amid its red apples the nightingales pipe.
+
+  There often the shadow falls southward at noon,
+  And sunrise is hailed by the pale crescent moon,
+  The sun sets at will in the east or the west,
+  In the grove where the cuckoo is building her nest.
+
+  There the milkmaid sits down to the left of the cow,
+  In harvest they sow, and in haytime they plough;
+  While mowers, in attitudes gladsome and blythe,
+  Impossible antics perform with the scythe.
+
+  There huntsmen in June after foxes may roam,
+  And horses unbridled go champing with foam;
+  From torrents by winter fierce swollen and high,
+  The proud salmon leaps in pursuit of the fly.
+
+  Ah Nature! it's little--I own for my part--
+  I know of your face save as mirrored in art;
+  Yet, vainly shall critics begrudge me that charm,
+  For a fellow can paint without learning to farm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BETHNAL GREEN.
+
+_East-Ender._ "'Ary Scheffer!' Hignorant fellers, these foreigners Bill!
+Spells 'Enery without the haitch!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT A MEETING OF THE UP-IN-A-BALLOON SOCIETY.
+
+_'Arry._ Wot's the difference between Nelson and that cove in the chair?
+
+_Charlie._ Give it up, mate.
+
+_'Arry._ Wy, _Nelson_ was a nautical 'ero, and this chap's a _'ero
+nautical_, to be sure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY 'AD--FOR ONCE.--SCENE--_Exterior of St. James's Hall on a Schumann
+and Joachim Night._
+
+_'Arry (meeting High-Art Musical Friend, who has come out during an
+interval, after assisting at Madame Schumann's magnificent reception)._
+'Ullo! What's up? What are they at now?
+
+_High-Art Friend (consulting programme)._ Let me see. They've done "Op.
+13." Ah, yes! They've just got to "Op. 44."
+
+_'Arry (astounded)._ 'Op forty-four! St. James's 'All got a dancin'
+licence! Hooray! I'm all there! I'll go in for 'Op forty-five. What is
+it, a waltz or a polka?
+
+    [_Rushes to the pay-place._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "RUDE AM I IN MY SPEECH" (OTHELLO)
+
+THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWER GIRLS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMPLAINT OF THE COCKNEY CLERK
+
+    "I know of no cure but for the Englishman (1) to do his best to
+    compete in the particulars where the German now excels; (2) to try
+    to show that, taken all round, he is worth more than the
+    German."--_Mr. Gladstone on English Clerks and German Competition._
+
+  All very fine, O orator illustrious!
+    But I as soon would be a mole or merman,
+  As a short-grubbing, horribly industrious,
+            Linguistic German.
+
+  A clerk's a clerk, that is a cove who scribbles
+    All day, and then goes in for cue, and "jigger,"
+  And not a mere machine who feeds by nibbles,
+            Slaves like a nigger.
+
+  Learn languages? And for two quid a week?
+    Cut barmaids, billiards, bitter beer and betting?
+  Yah! that may suit a sausage, or a sneak!
+            Whistles need wetting.
+
+  That is if they are genuine English whistles,
+    And not dry, hoarse, yah-yah Teutonic throttles.
+  _I_'m not a donkey who can thrive on thistles.
+            No, that's "no bottles."
+
+  I've learned my native tongue,--and that's a teaser--
+    I've also learned a lot of slang and patter;
+  But German, French, Italian, Portuguese, sir,
+            For "screw" no fatter?
+
+  Not me, my old exuberant wood-chopper!
+    Level _me_ to the straw-haired Carls and Hermanns?
+  No; there's another trick would do me proper,--
+            Kick out the Germans!
+
+  Old Bismarck's "blood and iron's" a receipt meant
+    For sour-krautt gobblers, sandy and sardonic!
+  But for us Britons that Teutonic treatment
+            Is much too tonic.
+
+  The cheek of 'em just puts me in a rage,
+    Send 'em back home, ah! even pay their passage
+  Or soon, by Jove, we'll have to call our age,
+            The German "sauce"-age!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.
+
+_'Arry (shouting across the street to his "Pal")._ "Hi! Bill! This is
+'er!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ON A CLIFF BY THE SEA"
+
+    (_Whit Monday_)
+
+  A verse for "'Arry"? Well, I'm shot!
+    (Excuse my language plain and terse)
+  For such a nuisance I have not
+            A verse.
+
+  His praise don't ask me to rehearse,
+    But, if you like--I'll tell you what--
+  The _role_ of Baalam I'll reverse.
+
+  Only, like Balak, from this spot
+    Desire me 'Arry's tribe to curse,
+  To grant that prayer you'll find me not
+            Averse!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Arriet._ "Wot toime his the next troine fer
+'Ammersmith?" _Clerk._ "Due now."
+
+_'Arriet._ "'Course Oi dawn't now, stoopid, or I wouldn't be harskin'
+yer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY IN ROME AND LONDON
+
+A kind correspondent calls _Mr. Punch's_ attention to the fact that
+'Arry the ubiquitous crops up even in the classics as Arrius, in fact,
+in _Carmen_ lxxxiv. of Catullus. How proud 'Arry will be to hear of his
+classical prototype! Our correspondent "dropping into verse,"
+exclaims:--
+
+  Yes! Your Cockney is eternal;
+    Arrius speaks in 'Arry still;
+  Vaunts 'is "hincome" by paternal
+    "Hartful" tricks hup 'Olborn 'Ill.
+
+     How well he is justified may be seen by a glance at the text of
+        Catullus:--
+
+        DE ARRIO.
+
+  "C_h_ommoda" dicebat, si quando commoda vellet
+    Dicere, et "_h_indsidias" Arrius insidias:
+  Et tum mirifice sperabat se esse locutum.
+    Cum, quantum poterat, dixerat "_h_insidias."
+  Credo, sic mater, sic Liber avunculus ejus.
+    Sic maternus avus dixerit, atque avia.
+
+                               Catullus, _Carmen_ lxxxiv.
+
+    Which--for the benefit of 'Arry himself, who is not perhaps
+    familiar with the "Lingo Romano"--though he may know something of a
+    "Romano" dear to certain young sportsmen, though not dearer to
+    them than other caterers--may thus be _very_ freely  adapted:--
+
+  'Arry to _H_oxford gives the aspirate still
+  He cruelly denies to 'Igate 'Ill;
+  Yet deems in diction he can ape the "swell,"
+  And "git the 'ang of it" exceeding well.
+  Doubtless his sire, the 'atter, and his mother,
+  The hupper 'ousemaid, so addressed each other;
+  For spite of all that wrangling Board Schools teach,
+  There seems heredity in Cockney speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.--According to a trade circular issued by a
+Cockney company, Florence and Lucca, whence the finer description of
+oils have been heretofore imported, are threatened with a vigorous
+competition by the Iles of Greece.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RICHEST DISH IN THE WORLD.--The "weal" of fortune.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY'S MOTTO.--"Youth on the prowl and pleasure at the 'elm."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady._ "Half-a-crown, indeed! Your fare is
+eighteen-pence. I looked it up in Bradshaw."
+
+_Cabman._ "Well, to be sure! Wot a good wife you _would 'ave_ made for a
+pore man!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BACK TO THE LAND.
+
+_Farmer's Wife (who has told the new lad from London to collect eggs)._
+"Well, Jack, have you got many?"
+
+_Jack (who has raided a sitting hen)._ "Rauther! One old 'en she's bin
+and layed thirteen, and I don't think she's finished yet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINES BY A COCKNEY
+
+_Addressed to A Young Lady, but dropped by some mistake into Mr. Punch's
+letter-box._
+
+  Sweet hangel, whom I met last heve
+    Hat Mrs. Harthur's 'op,
+  I 'ope that you will give me leave
+    A question now to pop.
+
+  I mind me 'ow when in the 'all
+    Your carriage was hannounced,
+  You hasked me to hadjust your shawl,
+    Hon which with 'aste I pounced.
+
+  Then heager to your Ma you ran,
+    She anxious to be gone,
+  I 'eard 'er call you Mary-Hann,
+    Or helse 'twas Mari-hon.
+
+  Now, Mary-Hann's a name I 'ate
+    Has much as Betsy-Jane,
+  I could not bear to link my fate
+    With such a 'orrid name;
+
+  But Mari-hon I like as well
+    As hany name I know;
+  Then, hangel, I emplore thee tell,
+    Dost spell it with a Ho?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POLITICS AND GALLANTRY
+
+_First 'Arry._ "Hay, wot's this 'ere Rosebery a torkin' abaat? Bless'd
+if he ain't a goin' to do awy with the Lords!"
+
+_Second 'Arry (more of a Don Juan than a Politician)._ "Do awy with the
+'ole bloomin' lot o' Lords, if he likes, as long as he don't do away
+with the lidies!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND _SHE_ OUGHT TO KNOW!"
+
+"That's supposed to be a portograph of Lady Solsbury. But, bless yer, it
+ain't like her a bit in private!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 'ARRY'S AUNT UPON THE CLIFF
+
+A study in perspective done by 'Arry with a 'and camera.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECHO'S ANSWERS
+
+  _To a Cockney Inquirer who consults her concerning the inevitable Annual
+  "Outing" and its probable issues._
+
+_Inquirer._ What subject sets me worrying and doubting?
+
+_Echo. "Outing._"
+
+_Inquirer._ My wife suggests for family health's improving?--
+
+_Echo. Roving._
+
+_Inquirer._ What's the first requisite for taking pleasure?
+
+_Echo. Leisure._
+
+_Inquirer._ The second (for a slave to matrimony)?
+
+_Echo. Money._
+
+_Inquirer._ You say that woman of all founts of mischief--
+
+_Echo. Is chief._
+
+_Inquirer._ What is this close agreement of _my_ women?
+
+_Echo. Omen._
+
+_Inquirer._ I fear for me they'll prove a deal too clever?
+
+_Echo. Ever._
+
+_Inquirer._ What is the manner of my buxom Mary?
+
+_Echo. Airy._
+
+_Inquirer._ And what's her goal in every hint and notion?
+
+_Echo. Ocean._
+
+_Inquirer._ How recommends she Ramsgate, shrimpy, sandy?
+
+_Echo. 'Andy._
+
+_Inquirer._ Whereas _I_ hold it at this season torrid?--
+
+_Echo. 'Orrid!_
+
+_Inquirer._ And hint, with a faint view to scare or stop her?--
+
+_Echo. 'Opper!_
+
+_Inquirer._ (Meaning the _Pulex_.) Answers she politely?
+
+_Echo. Lightly._
+
+_Inquirer._ How then am I inclined to view the mater?
+
+_Echo. 'Ate her._
+
+_Inquirer._ What feel I when she hints at sea-side clothing?
+
+_Echo. Loathing._
+
+_Inquirer._ Mention of what makes all my family scoffers?
+
+_Echo. Coffers._
+
+_Inquirer._ Then if I storm, what word breaks sequent stillness?
+
+_Echo. Illness!_
+
+_Inquirer._ What feels a man when women 'gin to blubber?
+
+_Echo. Lubber._
+
+_Inquirer._ What is the show of patience that may follow?
+
+_Echo. Hollow!_
+
+_Inquirer._ What would the sex when it assumes that virtue?
+
+_Echo. Hurt you._
+
+_Inquirer._ What's the result of halting and misgiving?
+
+_Echo. Giving._
+
+_Inquirer._ What is man's share anent this yearly yearning?
+
+_Echo. Earning._
+
+_Inquirer._ What's the chief issue of this seaward flowing?
+
+_Echo. Owing._
+
+_Inquirer_. How long before I'm free of tradesmen's pages?
+
+_Echo. Ages!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOORS.
+
+Our Cockney correspondent says that the birds are very wild, and that
+the heath being extremely slippery, the attempt to run after them is apt
+to be attended with numerous falls, especially in patent-leather boots.
+He says the exercise is fatiguing in the extreme, and complains that
+there are no cabs to be had on the hills though there are plenty of
+flies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOUBLE COCKNEY CONUNDRUM FOR THE DERBY DAY.--"What eminent composer
+would in England have probably been 'in the ring'?"
+
+"_'Aydn._"
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because who ever 'eard of 'Aydn alone? Ain't it always a '_Aydn and
+abettin_'? Eh? Now then! Come up, can't yer!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EUPHEMISM.
+
+_Cab Tout (exasperated by the persistent attentions of constable)._
+"Look 'ere, ole lightnin'-ketcher, w'ere the missin' word are yer
+shovin' us to?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Coster (to acquaintance, who has been away for some
+months)._ "Wot are yer bin doin' all this time?"
+
+_(Bill Robbins who has been "doing time")._ "Oh I've bin wheelin' a
+bit, ole man--wheelin' a bit!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE THOUGHT HE WAS SAFE.
+
+_Irascible Old Gentleman._ "Buy a comb! What the devil should I buy a
+comb for? You don't see any hair on my head, do you?"
+
+_Unlicensed Hawker._ "Lor' bless yer, sir!--yer don't want no 'air on
+yer 'ead for a tooth-comb!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUESTION OF TASTE
+
+_Liz (to Emily)._ "Mind yer, it's all roight so fur as it goes. All I
+sez is, it wants a fevver or two, or a bit o' plush somewhares, to give
+it what I call _stoyle_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAND OF THE 'ARRY'UNS.--'Am'stead 'eath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a vulgar husband drops his h's, a good wife drops her eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SNOW CURE!!
+
+_Fiendish Little Boy (to elderly gentleman, who has come a cropper for
+the fourth time in a hundred yards)._ "'Ere I say, guv'nor, you're fair
+wallerin' in it this mornin'! H'anyone 'ud think as you'd bin hordered
+it by your medical man!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OPEN TO DOUBT
+
+_Ostler (dubiously, to 'Arry, who is trying to mount on the wrong
+side)._ "Beg pard'n, sir, I suppose you're quite accustomed to 'osses,
+sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST
+
+There are various kinds of larks to be observed by Cockney naturalists,
+which are more or less, and rather less than more, indigenous to London.
+There is first of all the cage lark (_Alauda Miserrima_) which is
+chiefly found on grass-plats measuring about two inches square, and may
+be heard singing plaintively in many a back slum. Then there is the mud
+lark (_Alauda Greenwichiensis_), which is principally seen towards
+nightfall on the shores of the river, when the whitebait is in season.
+This little lark is a migratory bird, and flits from place to place in
+quest of anything worth picking up that may happen to be thrown to it.
+Finally, there is the street lark (_Alauda Nocturna_), which is known to
+most policemen in the neighbourhood of the Haymarket, and the like
+nocturnal haunts.
+
+As a gratifying proof of our progressing civilisation, there has been of
+recent years a very marked decrease in the number of white mice, and
+monkeys dressed as soldiers, exhibited by organ-grinders in the London
+streets. Trained dogs appear, however, decidedly more numerous, and
+performing canaries may be met with not infrequently in the squares of
+the West End. The naturalist should note, moreover, that the learned
+British pig (_Porcus Sapiens Britannicus_) which, within the memory of
+men who are still living, used commonly to infest the fairs near the
+metropolis, has recently well nigh completely disappeared and is
+believed by sundry naturalists to be utterly extinct.
+
+The rum shrub (_Shrubbus Curiosus_) which, although deserving of close
+investigation has somehow escaped mention in the pages of Linnaeus, is
+found in great profusion in the purlieus of Whitechapel, as well as
+other parts of London where dram-drinkers do congregate. It may be
+generally discovered in proximity to the Pot-tree (_Arbor
+Pewteriferens_), which may be readily recognised by its metallic fruit.
+
+The common cat of the metropolis (_Felis Catterwaulans_) is remarkable,
+especially for the exceeding frequency and shrillness of its cries when
+it goes upon the tiles, or proceeds to other spots of feline popular
+resort. Sleep becomes impossible within earshot of its yellings, and the
+injury they cause to property as well as human temper is immense. It
+has, indeed, been roughly estimated that thirty thousand water-jugs are
+annually sacrificed, within a circuit of not more than six miles from
+St. Paul's, by being hurled from bedroom windows with the aim to stop
+these squalling feline "Voices of the night."
+
+A certain proof that oysters are amphibious may be noted in the fact
+that they always build their grottoes in the courts and the back streets
+of the metropolis where, in the month of August, with extravagant
+profusion, their shells are yearly cast.
+
+The scarlet-coated lobster (_Le Homard Militaire_, Cuvier) has been
+frequently discovered on the shores of the Serpentine, or basking by the
+margin of the water in St. James's Park. This crustacean, when treated
+well, will drink like a fish, excepting that, unlike a fish, he does not
+confine himself to water for his drink. His shell (jacket) is of a
+bright red colour, which is not produced, as in the lobster species
+generally, by the agency of the caloric in the act of being boiled. The
+scarlet-coated lobster leads, while in London, a very peaceful life,
+notwithstanding his presumed propensities for fighting.
+
+If we may credit the statistics which, with no slight labour, have been
+recently collected, no fewer than five million and eleven blue-bottles
+are annually slaughtered in the butchers' shops of London, before
+depositing their ova in the primest joints of meat. The number of the
+smaller flies which, merely in the City, are every year destroyed for
+buzzing round the bald heads of irritable bank clerks, amounts, it has
+been calculated, to one million three hundred thousand and thirteen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM TAPLOW.--_First 'Arry._ I'll tell you a good name for a riverside
+inn--_"The Av-a-launch"._
+
+_Second 'Arry._ I'll tell you a better--"The 'Ave-a-lunch." Come along!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Did yer order any ile round the corner?"
+
+"What do you mean by ile? Do you mean oil?"
+
+"Naw. Not ile, but ILE wot yer drinks!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUESTION OF THE SENSES.
+
+_First County Councillor._ "I'm told the _acoustics_ of this hall leave
+much to be desired, Mr. Brown!"
+
+_Second C. C. (delicately sniffing)._ "Indeed, Sir Pompey? Can't say as
+I perceive anythink amiss, myself; and my nose is pretty sharp, too!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUICK WORK.
+
+_Guttersnipe._ "Please muvver wants sixpence on this 'ere fryin' pan."
+
+_Pawnbroker._ "Hallo! it's _hot_!"
+
+_Guttersnipe._ "Yus, muvver's just cooked the sossidges, an' wants the
+money for the beer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WE MUSTN'T ALWAYS JUDGE BY APPEARANCES.
+
+"I say, Bill, you aren't got such a thing as the price of 'arf a pint
+about you, are yer? I'm so blooming dry!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Philanthropic Coster' (who has been crying
+"Perry-wink-wink-wink!" till he's hoarse--and no buyers)._ "I wonder
+what the p'or unfort'nate creeters in these 'ere low neighb'r'oods do
+live on!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUDE INQUIRY
+
+_Street Arabs._ "Hoo curls yer 'air, gov'nour?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BILLINGSGATE UP-TO-DATE.
+
+_'Enery._ "'Ullo, Chawley? Wot's up? 'As yer motor broke down?"
+
+_Chawley (whose "moke" is a "bit below himself")._ "Yuss, smashed me
+'sparking plug.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First "Growler"._ "'Ulloah, William, where are yer
+takin' that little lot?"
+
+_Second "Growler"._ "Hararat! Don't yer see I'm navigatin' the Hark?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Arriet._ "I will say this for Bill, 'e _do_ look the
+gentleman!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Urchin._ "Fifth o' November, sir! Only a copper,
+sir! Jist a penny, sir!"
+
+_Second Urchin._ "Let 'im alone. _Cawn't yer see 'e's one of the
+family!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS FOR THE NATION
+
+"[Greek: Lays are a luxury songs essential.]"
+
+    _'Arrystophanes._
+
+
+It is evident that the nation is yearning for singable songs in the
+'Arry dialect. The late lamented Artemus Ward would probably have said,
+"Let her yearn"; but a stern sense of duty impels me to try and meet the
+need, created by the _Daily Chronicle_. I have a comforting impression
+that all that is necessary to insure correctness is to "chinge" as many
+"a"s as possible into "i"s. By this means I secure the "local
+colouring," which, by the way, has undergone a complete change since
+Dickens spelt Weller "with a wee, my lord." A catchword, a propos of
+nothing, is always useful, so I have duly provided it.
+
+        'ARRY THE OPTIMIST
+
+                  I.
+    Oh! you should see
+    My gal and me
+  (Mariar is 'er nime),
+    When we go daown
+    To Brighton taown
+  To 'ave a gorjus time.
+
+  She wears sich feathers in 'er 'at,
+    She's beautiful and guy,
+  But it ain't all beer and skittles--flat
+    And 'ere's the reason why:
+  _Refrine--_
+    She 'urries me, she worries me,
+      To ketch the bloomin' trine;
+    She 'ustles me, she bustles me,
+      She grumbles 'arf the time:
+    It's "'Arry do," and "'Arry don't,"
+    Which "'Arry" will, or "'Arry" won't
+      (It goes against the grine),
+    But--
+  (_Triumphantly._)
+        We 'as a 'appy 'ollidy,
+    We gets there all the sime.
+        --'Urry up, 'Arry.
+
+
+                 II.
+
+          And when we reach
+          The Brighton beach
+        It's sure to pour with rine
+          A pub is not
+          A 'appy spot
+        For us to set and drine
+  Yet there we set and tike our beer
+    And while awy the dy,
+  Though we don't 'ave words, no bloomin' fear
+    Mariar 'as 'er sy.
+  _Refrine--_
+    'Er langwidge is for sangwidges,
+      She's sorry that she cime;
+        The weather's wrong, 'er feather's wrong,
+          I 'as to tike the blime.
+        It's "'Arry" 'ere, and "'Arry" there,
+        And "'Arry, you're a bloomin' bear,"
+          And "'Arry, it's a shime"--
+  (_Spoken._)--Which is 'ard on a feller! And then we 'as
+  to ketch the bloomin' trine again, and she _do_ talk, but
+  never mind--
+        (_Brightly._)
+          We've 'ad a 'appy 'ollidy,
+        We gits 'ome all the sime.
+          --'Urry up, 'Arry!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY SPORT EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+Well-known sporting character, residing at Putney, being unable to reach
+the moors this season, and having lost his gun, has lately amused
+himself by bringing down several brace of grouse by means of the
+Brompton omnibus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE ZOO. (A FACT).--_'Arriet (looking at the Java sparrows)._ Wot's
+them? Sparrerkeets?
+
+_'Arry._ Sparrerkeets be 'anged--them's live 'umming birds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COMMON OBJECTS OF THE SEA SHORE.
+
+_First seaside saddle polisher._ "Wot cheer, 'Arry? 'Ow are yer gettin'
+on?"
+
+_'Arry._ "First-rate, old pal. Only this--beggar always--bumps--at the
+wrong--time!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNDER CORRECTION.
+
+Fare. "Hans Mansions."
+
+_Cabby._ "_Queen_ Hanne's Mansions, I suppose you mean, miss?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Penny 'addick."
+
+"Finen?"
+
+"No; thick 'un!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Frenchman._ "Ah, mon cher ami!"
+
+_Second Frenchman._ "Ah, c'est mon cher Alphonse!"
+
+_British Workman._ "Bloomin' Germans!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Clerk of Booking-Office._ "There is _no_ first class by
+this train, sir." _'Arry._ "Then wot are we going ter do, Bill?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Fader's gettin' better. 'E's beginnin' ter swear
+again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vendor of Pirated Songs._ "Er y'are, lidy! ''Oly City',
+'Bu'ful Star,' 'Hi cawn't think why Hi lubs yer, but Hi do!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY ON HIS 'OLIDAY
+
+_Being an epistle from that notorious and ubiquitous person, luxuriating
+for the time in rural parts, to his chum Charlie, confined in town._
+
+  Wha' cheer, my dear Charlie? 'Ow are yer? I promised I'd drop yer
+      a line.
+  I'm out on the trot for a fortnit; and ain't it golumpshusly fine?
+  Bin dooing the swell pretty proper, I beg to assure yer, old man.
+  Jest go it tip-top while you're at it, and blow the expense, is
+      _my_ plan.
+
+  Bin took for a nob, and no error this time; which my tailor's A 1.
+  The cut of these bags, sir, beats Poole _out of_ fits. (Are yer fly
+      to the pun?)
+  And this gridiron pattern in treacle and mustard is something uneek,
+  As the girls--but there, Charlie, _you_ know me, and so there's no
+      call for to speak.
+
+  My merstach is a coming on proper--that fetches 'em, Charlie, my boy;
+  Though one on 'em called me young spiky, which doubtless was meant
+      to annoy.
+  But, bless yer! 'twas only a touch of the green-eyed, 'acos I looked
+      sweet
+  On a tidy young parcel in pink as 'ung out in the very same street.
+
+  O Charlie, such larks as I'm 'aving. To toddle about on the sands,
+  And watch the blue beauties a-bathing, and spot the sick muffs as
+      they lands,
+  Awful flabby and white in the gills, and with hoptics so sheepishly
+      sad,
+  And twig 'em go green as we chaff 'em; I tell yer it isn't half bad.
+
+  Then, s'rimps! Wy, I pooty near lives on 'em; got arf a pocketful
+      here,
+  There's a flavour of bird's-eye about 'em; but that's soon took off
+      by the beer.
+  The "bitter" round here is jest lummy, and as for their soda-and-b.,
+  It's ekal to "fizz" and no error, and suits this small child to a t.
+
+  The weeds as I've blown is a caution;--I'm nuts on a tuppenny smoke.
+  Don't care for the baths, but there's sailing, and rollicking rides
+      on a moke.
+  I've sung comic songs on the cliffs after dark, and wot's fun if
+      that ain't?
+  And I've chiselled my name in a church on the cheek of a rummy stone
+      saint.
+
+  So, Charlie, I think you will see, I've been doing the tourist
+      to rights.
+  Good grub and prime larks in the daytime, and billiards and bitter
+      at nights;
+  That's wot _I_ calls 'oliday-making, my pippin. I wish _you_ was here,
+  Jest wouldn't we go it extensive! But now I am off for the pier.
+
+  To ogle the girls. 'Ow they likes it! though some of their dragons
+      looks blue.
+  But lor'! if a chap _has_ a way with the sex, what the doose can
+      he do?
+  The toffs may look thunder and tommy on me and my spicey rig out,
+  But they don't stare yours faithfully down, an' it's all nasty envy,
+      no doubt.
+
+  Ta! ta! There's a boat coming in, and the sea has been roughish
+      all day;
+  All our fellows will be on the watch, and _I_ mustn't be out of
+      the way.
+  Carn't yer manige to run down on Sunday? I tell yer it's larks,
+      and no kid!
+                      Yours bloomingly,
+                                            'ARRY.
+
+    P.S.--I have parted with close on four quid!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POISON IN THE BOWL.--_Hot weather._--Advice by our own Cockney. Don't
+put ice in your champagne. It's pison. How do I know this? Because it
+comes from Venom Lake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE.--_'Arry's friend._ What's the proper dinner for Ash
+Wednesday?
+
+_'Arry._ Why, 'ash mutton, o' course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SELF-RESPECT.
+
+_The Missus._ "Oh, Jem, you said you'd give me your photergrarf. Now,
+let's go in, and get it done."
+
+_Jem._ "Oh, I dessay! an' 'ave my 'Carte de Wisete' stuck up in the
+winder along o' all these 'ere bally-gals an' 'igh-church parsons! No,
+Sairey!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRIALS OF OUR ARTISTIC FRIEND, LEONARDO DA TOMPKINS
+
+(_Who lives in an unappreciative Suburb_)
+
+_'Arriet (nudging her lidy friend, and in an ostentatious
+stage-whisper)._ "'Amlet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tenor (singing)._ "Oh, 'appy, 'appy, 'appy be thy
+dreams----"
+
+_Professor._ "Stop, stop! Why don't you sound the H?"
+
+_Tenor._ "It don't go no 'igher than G!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Newspaper Boy._ "Hullo, Bill! Who's 'e?"
+
+_Second Newspaper Boy._ "I suppose 'e's the North Pole as 'as just been
+discovered!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gorgeous-looking Individual._ "Most 'strordinary
+weather, ain't it? First it's 'ot, then it's cold. Blow me, if one knows
+'ow to dress!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, Bill, wot 's a Prodigal?"
+
+"Why, a Prodigal's a sort o' cove as keeps on coming back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT WHAT SHE EXPECTED
+
+SCENE--_Canal side, Sunday morning_
+
+_Lady._ "Do you know where little boys go to who bathe on Sunday?"
+
+_First Arab._ "Yus. It's farder up the canal side. But you can't go.
+Girls ain't allowed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY ON 'APPINESS
+
+DEAR CHARLIE,
+
+        A 'Appy New Year to yer! That's the straight tip for to-day,
+  So I'm bound to be in it, old chip, though things don't _look_
+      remarkable gay.
+  I inclose you a card--a correct one, I 'ope, though it strikes one
+      as queer
+  That such picters is thought _apprypo_ this perticular time of the
+      year.
+
+  You'll observe there's a hangel in muslin a twisting 'erself all awry,
+  With some plums, happle-blossoms, and marigolds, backed by a dab
+      o' blue sky.
+  Dekkyrative it's called, so the mivvy informed me who nobbled
+      my tanner;
+  _I_ call it a little bit mixed, like the art on a Odd-Fellow's
+      banner.
+
+  But, bless you, it's all of a piece, Charlie--life is so muddled
+      with rot
+  That it takes rayther more than a judge or a jury to tell yer
+      wot's wot.
+  Whether knifing a boy 'cos one's peckish means murder if lyings are
+      libels,
+  Seem questions as bothers the big wigs, in spite of their blue books
+      and Bibles.
+
+  Where are we, old pal? that's the question. Perhaps it would add to
+      one's ease
+  If life wos declared a "mixed wobble," it's motter a "go as you
+      please."
+  But 'tisn't all cinder-path, Charlie, wus luck! if it was, with
+      "all in,"
+  You wouldn't go fur wrong, I fancy, in backing "yours truly" to win.
+
+  "A 'Appy New Year!" That's the cackle all over the shop like to-day.
+  Wot's 'Appiness? Praps Mister Ruskin and little Lord Garmoyle will say.
+  You an' me's got _our_ notions of yum-yum, as isn't fur wide
+      o' the mark,
+  But who'll give us change for 'em, Charlie? Ah! that's where we're
+      left in the dark.
+
+  The Reform Bill won't do it, my pippin, on that you may lay your
+      last dollar.
+  The fact is this 'Appy New Year fake is 'oller, mate, hutterly 'oller.
+  'Twon't fly--like the Christmas card hangels, it doesn't fit into
+      the facks;
+  All it does is to spread tommy-rot, and to break all the postmen's
+      poor backs.
+
+  You'll be thinking I've got the blue-mouldies, old man, and you
+      won't be fur hout.
+  Funds low with yours truly, my bloater, no chances of getting about.
+  Larks, any amount of 'em, going, advertisements gassing like fun,
+  But 'Arry, for once in the way, 's a stone-broker and not in the run.
+
+  It's cutting, that's wot it is, _cutting_. I'm so used to leading
+      the field,
+  That place as fust-fly at life's fences is one as I _don't_ like
+      to yield,
+  Espechly to one like Bill Blossit--no style, not a bit about Bill!
+  And they talk of a 'Appy New Year, mate, and cackle o' peace
+      and goodwill!
+
+  Oh yus, I'd goodwill 'em, Bill Blossit and false Fanny Friswell, a lot!
+  They are off to the world's fair to-night, sir, and _that's_ wy I
+      say it's such rot.
+  If form such as mine's to go 'obbling whilst mugginses win out
+      o' sight,
+  I say the world's handicap's wrong, mate, and Christmas cards won't
+      set it right.
+
+  Lor bless yer, 'e ain't got no patter, not more than a nutmeg,
+      Bill ain't;
+  But the railway has taken his shop, and he's come out as fresh as
+      new paint.
+  And so because _I'm_ out of luck, and that duffer has landed the chink,
+  She 'ooks onto him _like_ a bat to a belfry, sir! What do _you_ think?
+
+  A 'Appy New Year? Yus, it looks like it! Charlie, old chap, I've
+      heard tell
+  Of parties called pessymists, writers as swear the whole world's
+      a big sell;
+  No doubt they've bin jilted, or jockeyed by some such a juggins
+      as Bill;
+  And without real jam--cash and kisses--this world is a bitterish
+      pill.
+
+  Still, I wish you a 'Appy New Year, if you care for the kibosh,
+      old chappie,
+  Though 'taint 'igh art cards full o' gush and green paint'll make
+      you and me 'appy.
+  Wot _we_ want is lucre and larks, love and lotion as much as you'll
+      carry!
+  Give me them, and one slap at that Bill,--They're the new year
+      gifts to suit.
+
+       'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT SCARBOROUGH.--_'Arriet (pointing to postillions of pony-chaises)._
+Why do all them boys wear them jackets?
+
+_'Arry._ There's a stoopid question! Why, they're all jockeys a-training
+for the Ledger, of course!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EGGING HIM ON.--_Knowing old Gentleman._ Now, sir, talking of eggs, can
+you tell me where a ship lays to?
+
+_Smart Youth (not in the least disconcerted)._ Don't know, sir, unless
+it is in the hatchway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RETREAT FOR COCKNEY IDLERS.--Earn nil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON
+
+(_At the Natural History Museum_)
+
+_Visitor._ "Hullo! I say, I've got 'em agin! Gi' me the blue ribbon!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIS BEST "SOOT."
+
+_Short-tempered Gentleman in Black (after violent collision with a
+stonemason fresh from work)._ "Now, I'll arsk you jest to look at the
+narsty beastly mess as you've gone and mide me in! Why, I'm simply
+smothered in some 'orrid white stuff!! Why don't yer be more
+careful!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD DURING ONE OF OUR RECENT STORMY DAYS.
+
+"What cheer, matey! Doin' any business?"
+
+"Garn! Wot yer gettin' at? I ain't 'ere to do business. I'm takin' the
+hopen hair treatment!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS.
+
+_Master._ "Jim!"
+
+_Page._ "Yessir."
+
+_Master._ "Rather a 'igh 'ill we're comin' to, ain't it?"
+
+_Page._ "Very 'igh 'ill indeed, sir."
+
+_Master._ "Ah! well, jest you jump down, Jim, and walk alongside a bit;
+it'll make it easier for the poor 'orse, you know."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REAL SYMPATHY.
+
+_'Arry (reading account of the war in the East)._ "Ow, I s'y, 'Arriet,
+they've bin an' took old Li 'Ung Chang's three-heyed peacock's feathers
+all off 'im!"
+
+_'Arriet (compassionately)._ "Pore old feller!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SWEET LAVENDER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AUT CAESAR AUT NULLUS."
+
+_Architect._ "What aspect would you like, Mr. Smithers?" _(who is about
+to build a house)_.
+
+_Mr. Smithers._ "Has Muggles"--(_a rival tradesman_)--"got a haspect?
+'Cause--mind yer, I should like mine made a good deal bigger than
+'is!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST STRAW.
+
+_Miss Effie has left her sun-shade on the other side of the rivulet. The
+chivalrous young De Korme attempts the dangerous pass in order to
+restore it to her.
+
+Obnoxiously Festive 'Arry (to him)._ "Ho, yuss! Delighted, I'm sure!
+_Drop in any time you're passin'!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY ON THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY
+
+    DEAR CHARLIE,
+
+  'Ow are yer, old Turmuts? Gone mouldy, or moon-struck, or wot?
+  Sticking down in the country, like you do, I tell yer, is all
+      tommy-rot.
+  Its town makes a man of one, Charlie, as me and the nobs 'as found out,
+  And a snide 'un like you should be fly to it. Carn't fancy wot you're
+      about.
+
+  Old Ruskin, I know, sez quite t'other, but then _he_ is clean off his
+      chump.
+  Where's the _life_ in long lanes, with no gas-lamps? Their smell
+      always give me the 'ump.
+  Come hout on it, mate, it'll spile yer. It's May, and the season's
+      begun,
+  All the toffs is in town--ah! you trust 'em! _they_ know where
+      to dropon the fun.
+
+  Don't ketch _them_ a-Maying, my pippin, like bloomin' old
+      Jacks-in-the-Green,
+  A-sloppin' about in damp medders, with never a pub to be seen.
+  No fear! We've primroses in tons--thanks to Beakey--for them as
+      can pay.
+  And other larks as _is_ larks, mate, they know meet in London in May.
+
+  It is all very well, on a Sunday, for just arf a dozen or so
+  To take a chay-cart down to Epsom, and cut down the may as yer go.
+  I've 'ad 'igh old times on that lay, Charlie, gals, don't yer know,
+      and all that,
+  Returning at dusk with the beer on, and may branches all round yer 'at.
+
+  With plenty of tuppenny smokes and 'am san'wiches, Charlie, old man,
+  And a bit of good goods in pink musling, it ain't arf a bad sort
+      o' plan.
+  Concertina, in course, and tin whistle, to give 'em a rouser all round,
+  And "chorus," all over the shop, till the winders'll shake at
+      the sound.
+
+  That's "May, merry May," if yer like, mate, and does your's ancetrar
+      a treat.
+  But the rural's a dose as wants mixing, it won't do to swaller it neat;
+  That's wy the Haristos and 'Arry, and all as is fly to wot's wot,
+  Likes passing the season in London, in spite of yer poetry rot.
+
+  Country's all jolly fine in the autumn, with plenty of killing about--
+  Day's rabbitin's not a bad barney, and gull-potting's lummy, no doubt;
+  But green fields with nothink to slorter, no pubs, no theaytres,
+      no gas!--
+  No, no, it won't wash, and the muggins as tells yer it will is a hass.
+
+  But May in "the village," my biffin, the mighty metrolopus,--ah!
+  That's paradise, sir, and no kid, with a dash of the true lah-di-dah.
+  Covent Garden licks Eden, I reckon, at least it'll do _me_ A 1;
+  Button-'oler and Bond Street, old pal, that's yer fair top-row
+      sarmple for fun!
+
+  Wy, we git all the best of the country in London, with dollups
+      chucked in.
+  _Rush in herby!_--ascuse the Hitalian!--Ah, mate, ony wish I'd
+      the tin;
+  I'd take 'em a trot, and no flounders! It's 'ard, bloomin' 'ard,
+      my dear boy,
+  When form as is form ain't no fling, as a German ud say,
+      _fo der quoy._
+
+  _I_'d make Mister Ruskin sit up, and the rest of the 'owlers see
+      snakes,
+  With their rot about old Mother Nature, as _never_ don't make no
+      mistakes.
+  Yah! Nature's a fraud and a fizzle, that is if yer can't fake her
+      out
+  With the taste of a man about town, ony sort as knows wot he 's
+      about.
+
+  Well, London's all yum-yum jest now. Hexhibitions all hover the shop,
+  I tell yer it keeps one a-movin'. _I_'m on the perpetual 'op,
+  Like the prince. Aitch har aitch _is_ a stayer, a fair royal Rowell,
+      I say.
+  (I landed a quid on _that_ "Mix," but I carnt git the beggar to pay.)
+
+  "Inventories" open, you know. Rayther dry, but the _extrys_ O.K.
+  It's the extrys, I 'old, make up life, arf the pleasure and most o'
+     the pay.
+  Yus, princes and painters, philanterpists, premiers and patriots may
+      gush,
+  But wot ud become of their shows if it weren't for the larks and the
+      lush?
+
+ Lor bless yer, dear boy, picter galleries, balls, sandwich sworries
+     and all,--
+ It's fun and the fizz makes 'em go, not the picter, the speech or
+     the squall.
+ Keep yer eye on the buffet's my maxim, look out for the "jam" and
+     the laugh,
+ And you'll collar the pick o' the basket, the rest is all sordust
+     and chaff.
+
+  That's philosophy, Charlie, my pippin; the parsons and prigs may
+      demur,
+  But if you would foller _their_ tip, wy, you'll 'ave to go
+      thundering fur.
+  Ah! "May, merry May!" up in town, fills your snide 'un as full as
+      he'll carry
+  Of laughter and lotion. That's gospel to toffs and yours
+      scrumptiously,
+
+      'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A JUDGE OF CHARACTER.
+
+_Sympathetic Friend (to sweeper)._ "What's the use o' arstin' _'im_,
+Bill? _'E_ don't give away nothink less than a Gover'ment appointment,
+_'e_ don't!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BI-METALLISTIC DISCUSSION
+
+_Jim._ "What's this 'ere 'Bi-metallism,' Bill?"
+
+_Bill (of superior intelligence)._ "Well, yer see, Jim, it 's heither a
+licens'd wittlers' or a teetotal dodge. The wages'll be paid in silver,
+and no more coppers. So you can't get no arf-pint nor hanythink under a
+sixpence or a thrip'ny. Then you heither leaves it alone, and takes to
+water like a duck, or you runs up a score."
+
+_Jim._ "Ah! But if there ain't no more coppers, 'ow about the 'buses and
+the hunderground rileway?"
+
+_Bill (profoundly)._ "Ah!"
+
+    [_Left sitting._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cockney Macbeth (a trifle "fluffy" in his words) bellows
+out:_ "'Ang out our banners on the houtward walls! The cry is--'Let 'em
+_all_ come!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hedwin._ "Hangeleener! Won't yer 'ear me? Wot 'ud yer sy
+if I told yer as I'd 'took the shillin'?"
+
+_Hangelina._ "Sy? Why--'halves'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Man Cleaning the Horse._ "Naa then lazy, w'y don't yer
+do some work?"
+
+_New Hand (loafing)._ "I'm agoin' to."
+
+_M. C. H._ "Wot are yer goin' ter do?"
+
+_N. H._ "'Elp you."
+
+_M. C. H._ "Come alorng, then."
+
+_N. H._ "All rite. You go orn, I'm agoin' ter do the 'issing."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BACK TO THE LAND."
+
+_Old Farmer Worsell (who is experimenting with unemployed from London)._
+"Now then, young feller, 'ow long are you goin' to be with that 'ere
+milk?"
+
+_Young Feller._ "I caunt 'elp it, guv'nor. I bin watchin' 'er arf an
+hour, and she ain't laid any yit."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'Ere, just 'old my broom a minute. I'm just goin' up the
+street. If any of my regular customers comes, just arst 'em to wait a
+bit!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ART IN WHITECHAPEL.
+
+"Well, that's what I calls a himpossible persition to get yerself
+into!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Loafer (looking at a hundred pound dressing-bag)._ "I
+wonder wot sort of a bloke it is as wants a bag of tools like that to
+doss 'isself up with?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Comin' up to 'Yde Park to 'ave a bave, 'Arry?"
+
+"Yers--an' 'ave all me cloves run orf wiv. Not if _I_ know it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COCKNEY'S ADDRESS TO THE SEA.--"With all thy faults I love thee
+_still_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COSTERMONGER'S CANT
+
+  Bill Coster said, "See them two fish?
+    Them there's both females, mister;
+  A pilchard she in this here dish:
+    That 'ere's her errin' sister."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS.--(_By a Cockney._) Why should not Dr. Watts'
+poems be read by youth?
+
+Because they contain _Hymn-morality_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LINE FROM BROWNING
+
+(_For hairdressers who recommend a wonderful "Restorative," and are
+careless of the aspirate._)
+
+"An everlasting wash of air."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COCKNEY CON.--When may a man really be supposed to be hungry?
+
+When he goes to Nor-(gnaw)wood for his dinner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO VERY CONSIDERATE.
+
+_Stout Coster._ "Where are ye goin' to, Bill?"
+
+_Bill._ "Inter the country for a nice drive, bein' Bank 'Olidy."
+
+_Stout Coster._ "Same 'ere. I sy! don't yer think we might swop misseses
+just for a few hours? It would be so much kinder to the hanimile!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Arry (whose "Old Dutch" has been shopping, and has kept
+him waiting a considerable time)._ "Wot d'yer mean, keepin' me standin'
+abaat 'ere like a bloomin' fool?"
+
+_'Arriet._ "_I_ can't 'elp the way yer stand, 'Arry."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERY DRY WEATHER.
+
+"'Ooray, Bill! 'Ere's luck! I gorr' 'nother tanner! Leshgobackag'in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 'EARD ON 'AMPSTEAD 'EATH
+
+----"And talk of our bein' be'ind the French in general edication, why
+all I can say is as it's the commonest thing in Paree, for instance
+(over fust-class restorongs, too, mind yer), to see 'dinner' spelt with
+only one 'N'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIAGNOSIS.
+
+"I can tell you what _you're_ suffering from, my good fellow! You're
+suffering from _acne_!"
+
+"_'Ackney?_ Why, that's just what _t'other_ medical gent he told me! _I
+only wish I'd never been near the place!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAD'S CALENDAR
+
+  JANUARY.
+
+  January! Tailor's bill comes in.
+  Blow that blooming snip! I'm short o' tin.
+  Werry much enjoyed my Autumn caper,
+  But three quid fifteen do look queer paper.
+  Want another new rig out, wuss luck,
+  Gurl at Boodle's bar seems awful struck,
+  Like to take her to the pantermime;
+  That and oysters after _would_ be prime.
+  Fan's a screamer; this top coat would blue it,
+  Yaller at the seams, black ink won't do it.
+  Wonder if old snip would spring another?
+  Boots, too, rayther seedy; beastly bother!
+  Lots o' larks that empty pockets "queer."
+  Can't do much on fifty quid a year.
+
+  FEBRUARY.
+
+  Febrywary! High old time for sprees!
+  Now's yer chance the gals to please or tease,
+  Dowds to guy and pooty ones to wheedle,
+  And to give all rival chaps the needle.
+  Crab your enemies,--I've got a many,
+  You can pot 'em proper for a penny.
+  My! Them walentines do 'it 'em 'ot.
+  Fust-rate fun; I always buy a lot.
+  Prigs complain they're spiteful,
+      Lor' wot stuff!
+  I can't ever get 'em strong enough.
+  Safe too; no one twigs your little spree,
+  If you do it on the strict Q. T.
+  If you're spoons, a flowery one's your plan.
+  Mem: I sent a proper one to Fan.
+
+  MARCH.
+
+  March! I'm nuts upon a windy day,
+  Gurls do git in such a awful way.
+  Petticoats yer know, and pooty feet;
+  Hair all flying--tell you it's a treat.
+  Pancake day. Don't like 'em--flabby, tough,
+  Rayther do a pennorth o' plum-duff.
+  Seediness shows up as Spring advances,
+  Ah! the gurls do lead us pretty dances.
+  Days a-lengthening.
+      Think I spotted Fan
+  Casting sheep's eyes at another man.
+  Quarter-day, too, no more chance of tick.
+  Fancy I shall 'ave to cut my stick.
+  Got the doldrums dreadful, that is clear.
+  Two _d._ left--must go and do a beer.
+
+
+  APRIL.
+
+  April! All Fools' Day's a proper time.
+  Cop old gurls and guy old buffers prime.
+  Scissors! don't they goggle and look blue
+  When you land them with a regular "do"?
+  Lor! the world would not be worth a mivvey
+  If there warn't no fools to cheek and chivy.
+  Then comes Easter. Got some coin in 'and,
+  Trot a bonnet out and do the grand.
+  Fan all flounce and flower; fellows mad
+  Heye us henvious; nuts to me, my lad.
+  'Ampstead! 'Ampton! Which is it to be?
+  Fan--no flat--prefers the Crystal P.
+  Nobby togs, high jinks, and lots o' lotion,
+  That's the style to go it, I've a notion!
+
+  MAY.
+
+  May! The month o' flowers. Spooney sell!
+  "Rum 'ot with," is wot _I_ likes to smell.
+  Beats yer roses holler. A chice weed
+  Licks all flowers that ever run to seed.
+  Nobby button'oler very well
+  When one wants to do the 'eavy swell;
+  Otherwise don't care not one brass farden,
+  For the best ever blowed in Covent Garden.
+  Fan, though, likes 'em, cost a pretty pile,
+  Rayther stiff, a tanner for a smile.
+  Blued ten bob last time I took 'er out,
+  Left my silver ticker up the spout.
+  Women are sech sharks! If I don't drop 'er.
+  Guess that I shall come a hawful cropper!
+
+  JUNE.
+
+  June! A jolly month; sech stunning weather.
+  Fan and I have lots of outs together:
+  Rorty on the river, sech prime 'unts,
+  Foul the racers, run into the punts.
+  Prime to 'ear the anglers rave and cuss,
+  When in quiet "swims" we raise a muss.
+  Snack on someone's lawn upon the quiet.
+  Won't the owner raise a tidy riot
+  When he twigs our scraps and broken bottles?
+  Cheaper this than rustyrongs or hottles,
+  Whitsuntide 'ud be a lot more gay
+  If it warn't so near to quarter-day.
+  Snip turns sour, pulls "county-courting" faces.
+  Must try and land a little on the races.
+
+  JULY.
+
+  'Ot July! Just nicked a handy fiver
+  (Twenty-five to one on old "Screw-driver"!)
+  New rig-out. This mustard colour mixture
+  Suits me nobby. Fan appears a fixture.
+  Gurls like style, you know, and colour ketches 'em,
+  But good show of ochre,--_that's_ what fetches 'em,
+  Wimbledon! _I'm_ not a Wolunteer.
+  Discipline don't suit this child--no fear!
+  But we 'ave fine capers at the camp,
+  Proper, but for that confounded scamp:
+  Punched my 'ead because I guyed his shooting.
+  Fan I fancied rather 'ighfaluting;
+  Ogled the big beggar as he propped me.
+  Would 'a licked 'im if _she_ 'adn't stopped me.
+
+  AUGUST.
+
+  August! Time to think about my outing.
+  No dibs yet, though, so it's no use shouting.
+  Make the best of the Bank 'Oliday.
+  Fan "engaged"! Don't look too bloomin' gay,
+  Drop into the bar to do a beer,
+  Twig her talking to that Volunteer.
+  Sling my 'ook instanter sharp and short,
+  Took Jemimer down to 'Ampton Court.
+  Not 'arf bad, that gurl. Got rather screwed,
+  Little toff complained as I was rude.
+  'It 'im in the wind, he went like death;
+  Weak, consumptive cove and short o' breath.
+  Licked 'im proper, dropped 'im like a shot,--
+  Only wish that Fan had seen _that_ lot.
+
+  SEPTEMBER.
+
+  'Ere's September! 'Oliday at last!
+  Off to Margit--mean to go it fast.
+  Mustard-coloured togs still fresh as paint,
+  Like to know who's natty, if _I_ ain't.
+  Got three quid; have cried a go with Fan,
+  Game to spend my money like a man.
+  But sticking tight to one gal ain't no fun--
+  Here's no end of prime 'uns on the run;
+  Carn't resist me somehow, togs and tile
+  All A 1--make even swell ones smile.
+  Lor! if I'd the ochre, make no doubt
+  I could cut no end of big pots out.
+  Call me cad? When money's in the game,
+  Cad and swell are pooty much the same.
+
+  OCTOBER.
+
+  Now October! Back again to collar,
+  Funds run low, reduced to last 'arf-dollar.
+  Snip on rampage, boots a getting thin,
+  'Ave to try the turf to raise some tin.
+  Evenings getting gloomy; high old games;
+  Music 'alls! Look up the taking names.
+  Proper swells them pros.! If I'd my choice,
+  There's my mark. Just wish I'd got a voice;
+  Cut the old den to-morrow, lots of cham.,
+  Cabs and diamonds,--ain't that real jam?
+  Got the straight tip for the Siezerwitch,
+  If I _honly_ land it, I'll be rich.
+  Guess next mornin' wouldn't find me sober--
+  Allays get the blues about October.
+
+  NOVEMBER.
+
+  Dull November! Didn't land that lot.
+  Fear my father's son is going to pot.
+  Fan jest passed me, turned away 'er eyes,
+  Guess she ranked me with the _other_ guys,
+  Nobby larks upon the ninth, my joker;
+  But it queers a chap to want the ochre.
+  Nothing like a crowd for regular sprees,
+  Ain't it fine to do a rush, and squeeze?
+  Twig the women fainting! Oh, it's proper!
+  Bonnet buffers when the blooming copper
+  Can't get near yer nohow. Then the fogs!
+  Rare old time for regular jolly dogs.
+  If a chap's a genuine 'ot member,
+  He _can_ keep the game up in November!
+
+  DECEMBER.
+
+  Dun December! Dismal, dingy, dirty.
+  Still short commons--makes a chap feel shirty.
+  Snip rampageous, drops a regular summons.
+  Fan gets married; ah! them gurls is rum 'uns!
+  After all the coin I squandered on 'er!
+  Want it now. A 'eap too bad, 'pon honour,
+  Snow! Ah, that's yer sort, though, and no error.
+  Treat to twig the women scud in terror.
+  Hot 'un in the eye for that old feller;
+  Cold 'un down 'is neck, bust his umbreller.
+  Ha! ha! Then Christmas,--'ave a jolly feast!
+  The boss will drop a tip,--hope so, at least.
+  If I don't land some tin, my look-out's queer.
+  Well, let's drink, boys--"Better luck next year!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE.
+
+The chick-a-leary cochin.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Swell (who won't be done)._ "H 'yars my kyard if
+you'd--ah--like to summon me."
+
+_Cabby (who has pulled up and heard the dispute)._ "Don't you take it,
+Bill. It's his ticket o' leave!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE!
+
+_Benevolent Lady (who has with infinite trouble organised a country
+excursion for some over-worked London dressmakers)._ "Then mind you're
+at the station at nine to-morrow, Eliza. I do hope it won't rain!"
+
+"_Rine_, miss! I 'owp not, to be sure! The country's bad enough when
+it's _foine_, yn't it, miss?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON EPSOM DOWNS
+
+"Get onto 'is neck, like me, Halfred, an' they'll take us for jockeys!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Tompkins._ "That fellow Brown tried to stuff me
+up with some of his travellers' tales the other day. Talked about his
+trip to Italy, and the waving fields of macaroni, but he didn't catch
+me, you know. They _don't_ wave!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GUILE.
+
+_Old Lady._ "You know the 'Royal Oak'? Well, you turn to the right, past
+the 'Jolly Gardener,' till you come to the 'Red Lion'----"
+
+_Artful Cabby._ "O, don't tell me the 'ouses, mum! Name some o' the
+churches, and then I shall know where I am!!"
+
+    [_Asks, and gets, an exorbitant fare without a murmur._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUS IN URBE
+
+(_A Cockney Rhapsody_)
+
+  As I stroll through Piccadilly,
+  Scent of blossoms borne from Scilly
+  Greet me. Jonquil, rose, and lily,
+  Violet and daffydowndilly.
+  Oh, the feeling sweet and thrilly
+  That these blossoms flounced and frilly
+  From soft plains and headlands hilly
+  Bring my breast in Piccadilly!
+  It subdues me, willy nilly,
+  Though such sentiment seems silly,
+  And a bunch, dear, buys your Willy,
+  To dispatch, by post, to Milly,
+  Dwelling, far from Piccadilly,
+  In moist lowlands, rushed and rilly,
+  Blossomy as Penzance or Scilly.
+  Sweets to the sweet! "Poor Silly-Billy!"
+  You may say in accents trilly.
+  When the postman in the stilly
+  Eve, from distant Piccadilly,
+  Bears this box of rose and lily,
+  Violet and daffodilly,
+  To the rural maiden, Milly,
+  From her urban lover,
+                           Willy.
+
+  P.S.--
+
+      Dry as toke and skilly,
+  Is this arid Piccadilly,
+  Notwithstanding rose and lily,
+  All the beauteous blooms of Scilly,
+  Reft of that flower of flowers--Milly.
+  So, at least, thinks
+                      "Silly Billy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COCKNEY'S EXCLAMATION UPON SEEING THE CELEBRATED HEIDELBERG
+TON.--"Well, it is (s)ton-ning!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY NOTES
+
+_Country Cousin._ "Lor, Bill, ain't that a horstrich?"
+
+_Bill._ "_Horstrich?_ 'Corse not. That 'ere's a _mongoose_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKESPEARE ON BLACKHEATH
+
+  I saw young 'Arry with his billycock on,
+  Checked trousers on his thighs, with knob stick armed,
+  Climb from the ground like fat pig up a pole,
+  And flop with such sore toil into his saddle,
+  As though a bran-bag dropped down from the clouds,
+  To turn and wind a slow "Jerusalem,"
+  And shock the world with clumsy assmanship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY'S LATEST CONUNDRUM.--Why is a title-page like charity?--Becos it
+always begins a tome. (Begins at 'ome, don'tcher see!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cockney Friend._ "Good 'evins! there's a pheasant!"
+
+_Country Friend._ "Well, what of it?"
+
+_Cockney._ "Why, it ain't the fust of Hoctober?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady Visitor (at work-girls' club, giving some advice on
+manners)._ "And you know ladies never speak to gentlemen without an
+introduction."
+
+_'Liza._ "We knows yer don't, miss, an' we offen pities yer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN IDYLL
+
+_Hemma._ "Oh, 'Arry, hain't this 'eavenly! You'll promise to give me 'am
+sandwiches always, when we're married, won't yer?"
+
+_'Arry._ "'Corse I will!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Workman._ "Why don't yer buy yer _own_ matches,
+'stead of always cadgin' mine?"
+
+_Second Workman._ "You're uncommon mean with yer matches. I'll just take
+a few"--(_helps himself to two-thirds_)--"and be hinderpendent of yer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ERRAND BOYS
+
+_First Boy._ "Where are yer goin' to, Bill?"
+
+_Second Boy._ "I've got to go right over 'Ammersmith Bridge to Barnes,
+then I'se got to go to Putney and back by Fulham Road, then to 'Igh
+Street, Kensington."
+
+_First Boy._ "Why, I've got to go to 'Igh Street. You go on. I'm in a
+bit of a hurry, but _I'll wait for yer_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY.--A Cockney gentleman who had been hearing
+a concert of old music, where every piece that was performed was in the
+programme termed an "op.," observed, as he went out, "Well, after all
+these 'ops, I vote we have some malt."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEYISM IN THE COUNTRY.--_1st Cockney._ I say, what sort of a 'ouse
+will do for a fowl-'ouse?
+
+_2nd Cockney._ Lor' bless yer, _hen_-ny 'ouse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONUNDRUM FOR COCKNEYS.--Which has the greater amount of animal heat,
+the beaver or the otter? Why, of course, the _otter_ of the two.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF THE COCKNEY SPORTSMAN
+
+  How happy could I be in heather,
+    At the grouse gaily blazing away!
+  But then, somehow, I can't touch a feather,
+    So 'tis better at Brighton to stay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRO BONO.--There is one first-rate joint that comes to table which is
+the Cockney's prime aversion--the h-bone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MODEL MODEL.
+
+(_The artist is rather shy, and has left his model to do the honours of
+his studio._) "From whom did Mr. M'Gilp paint that head?"
+
+"From yours obediently, madam. I sit for the 'eads of all 'is 'oly men."
+
+"He must find you a very useful person."
+
+"Yes, madam. I order his frames, stretch his canvases, wash his brushes,
+set his palette, and mix his colours. All _he's_ got to do is just to
+_shove 'em on!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tripper._ "'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Where's the change out o'
+that bob I gave yer?"
+
+_Bystander._ "Don't worry about it, cocky; ain't you got the bloomin'
+'oss as security!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Holiday Driver (returning from a pic-nic)._ "Excuse me,
+sir, but can you see anything wrong with the 'arness of this 'ere
+'orse?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPORTSMEN AT SEA.
+
+_(Tom exhibiting a tern which he has shot)._ I say, 'Arry, wot bird 's
+this 'ere?
+
+_'Arry._ A auk, I should say.
+
+_Tom._ What yer calls a sparrerawk?
+
+_'Arry._ No. Hay, u, k, auk, without the sparrer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COCKNEY'S EPITAPH
+
+  THINK! "From the cradle to the grave!" my brother,
+  A nurse takes you from one, an 'earse to t'other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VULGAR ERROR.--Misplacing the haspirate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEVALIERESQUE CONUNDRUM.--_Coster Bill (to 'Arriet)._ I si! When is
+your young man like a fish out of water?
+
+_'Arriet._ Oh, g'long! Give't up.
+
+_Coster Bill._ Why, when 'es a _witin'_ round the corner.
+
+    [Short encounter, and exeunt severally.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAPITAL ANSWER.
+
+_"Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager)._ "Now,
+boy, what's the capital of 'Olland?"
+
+_Boy._ "An 'H,' sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCOVERED IN DRURY LANE
+
+(_Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County
+Council._)
+
+  I 'old it true wote'er befall,
+    I feel it when things go most cross,
+    Better do a fi'penny doss,
+  Than never do a doss at all!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY SYMPATHY.
+
+_First Errand Boy (after the University Boat Race)._ Wot 'ave yer got a
+light blue ribbon in yer button 'ole for, Tommy?
+
+_Second E. B. (promptly)._ 'Cos our 'ouse allus sells Cambridge
+sausages!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MATTER OF TASTE.
+
+_Vulgar Parvenu (who is watching the interior decorations of his
+house)._ "Don't you think that tapestry 'eats the rooms?"
+
+_Artistic Decorator._ "Very possibly, sir; you see, it's Goblin
+(_Gobelin_)."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IRREPRESSIBLE.
+
+_Street Boy (to cabby, in a block)._ "Look 'ere, are you a goin' on wi'
+this four wheeler?--'r else me an' my friend'll get down an' walk!"
+
+    [_Retires hastily._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUDACIOUS 'ARRYISM.--Our friend 'Arry objects to the title of a recently
+published novel, "Airy Fairy Lilian." He says that he can't imagine a
+fairy all over 'air, though he might an 'obgoblin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BAGMAN'S BAG
+
+  Hark how the cockney sportsman drops
+    His aitches o'er the glades and glens,
+  But, at hen pheasents though he pops,
+    Your 'Arry never drops his n's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAIR OF "NIPPERS."--A coster's twins.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY CLASSICS.
+
+"Jack," said Robins, "which varsity would you rayther go to, Hoxford or
+'Idleberg?"
+
+"Hoxford, Jemmy, to be sure, you muff," answered Robbins. "'Cos vy, I
+prefers hindustry to hidleness."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BANK HOLIDAY REMINISCENCE.
+
+_'Arry._ "Ow much an hour, guv'nor?"
+
+_Horsekeeper._ "Eighteenpence."
+
+_'Arry._ "All right. I'll have a ride."
+
+_Horsekeeper._ "Well, you've got to leave 'arf a crown on the 'orse?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POOR LETTER "H"
+
+"Have you got any _whole_ strawberry jam?"
+
+"No, miss. All ours is quite new!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS OF THE SUMMER
+
+"The weather seems to be improving, Nupkins!"
+
+"Yes, miss; the nightingale and the cuckoo is a-'ollerin', every
+night!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK
+
+  Our 'Arry goes 'unting and sings with a will,
+  "The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill";
+  And oft, when a saddle looks terribly bare,
+  The 'eels of our 'Arry are seen in the air!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY EPITAPH FOR A COOK.--"Peace to his hashes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A Horse," observed a Scotch vet., "may have a very good appetite, and
+yet be unable to eat a bit."
+
+"Ah," said 'Arry, "there's the difference between a 'oss and a ostridge,
+which could eat bit, snaffle, curb and all."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LE SPORT.
+
+A Cockney sportsman, wishing to introduce hare-hunting into France, is
+seriously meditating a work on the subject, to be entitled,
+_Arriere-pensees_; _or, Thoughts on Keeping 'Ariers_. His _nom de plume_
+will be _Le petit Jean du_ Jockey Club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Arriet (as a bee alights on her hand)._
+"My word, 'Arry, wot a pretty fly!"
+
+(_Sting._)
+
+"Crikey! ain't 'is feet 'ot!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'Ullo, Jim, look 'ere! 'Ere's a noo stachoo! Lend us yer
+knife!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jinks._ "I want to buy a dog. I don't know what they
+call the breed, but it is something the shape of a greyhound, with a
+short curly tail and rough hair. Do you keep dogs like that?"
+
+_Fancier._ "No. I drowns 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY PHILOSOPHY.
+
+The Socratic mode of argument is the only true mode of chopping logic,
+because it proceeds altogether on the principle of axing questions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY PUTS 'EM RIGHT.
+
+The _Daily Chronicle_--recently suggested that the plural of rhinoceros
+is a disputed point. 'Arry writes: "What O, _Mr. P._, 'disputed'?--not a
+bit. Any kiddy as 'as 'ad 'arf an eddication knows what the plural of
+''oss' is, don't he? No matter as to its bein' spelt ''os' or ''oss.'
+Plural, anyway ''osses.' 'Bus-'os'--'Bus-'osses.'
+'Rhinocer-os'--'Rhinocer-osses.' That's as plain as an 'aystack, ain't
+it?"
+
+    "Yours,
+
+          "'ARRY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEFINITION FOR A DINER-OUT.--An unlicensed wittler, quoth our worthy
+'ost.--'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FERVOUR IN THE FOG
+
+_Unpromising Individual (suddenly--his voice vibrating with passion)._
+
+  "She's moy unney;
+  Oim 'er joy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ah!" exclaimed, enthusiastically, a hairdresser's assistant who had
+been out for a holiday. "'Ind 'Ead, in Surrey! That's the place for
+hair!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL LONDON PRIDE.--We know an inveterate Cockney who declares that
+London milk beats the country milk, and beats it "_by many chalks_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD PAPER FOR DEAF COCKNEYS.--_The 'Earer._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUSICAL COSTER CRAZE.--_Customer._ Have you a copy of Costa's _Eli_?
+
+_Shopman._ No, sir; we have none of Chevalier's songs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, 'Arry, don't we look frights!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, Bill, oo was this 'ere Nelson as everybody wos a
+talkin' about?" "Why, 'e was the chap as turned the French out of
+Trafalgar Square!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Bill, can you lend me twopence?"
+
+"Wot a silly question to arst! Why, if I 'ad twopence, wot 'ud I be
+doin' standin' outside a public 'ouse?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF SPRING
+
+_By a Cockney Poet._
+
+  All hail, thou jocund time of year,
+  To Cockneys and cock-robins dear!
+  All hail, thou flowery, showery season,
+  When throstles, mating, perch the trees on:
+  When sparrows on the house-tops sit,
+  And court their loves with cheery twit:
+  While opera songsters tune their throats,
+  Exchanging for our gold their notes!
+  Now Nature her new dress receives,
+  And dinner-tables spread their leaves;
+  Asparagus again one sees,
+  And early ducklings, served with peas;
+  Again the crisp whitebait we crunch,
+  And chops of lambkin blithely munch;
+  Salmon again our shops afford,
+  And plovers' eggs adorn the board;
+  While for one day at least our sons
+  May stuff themselves with hot cross buns!
+    See now the swells begin to show
+  Their horsemanship in Rotten Row:
+  See now the Drive is thronged once more,
+  And idlers lounge there as of yore:
+  See now fair April fills Mayfair,
+  And gives new life to Grosvenor Square.
+  See now what crowds flock to the Zoo,
+  Where Master Hippo is on view
+  See daffodils, and daisies pied
+  In bloom, and buttercups beside:
+  See now the thorn, and e'en the rose
+  Signs of returning Spring disclose:
+  See now the lilac large in bud;
+  While costermongers, splashed with mud,
+  The product of the passing showers,
+  Cry, "Here's yer all a blowing flowers!"
+  Or wake the echoes of the groves[A]
+  With "Hornaments for yer fire-stoves!"
+
+[Footnote A: Westbourne Grove, Lisson Grove, Camden Grove, &c.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Appy 'Arry_--
+
+  "With my new panama-a-ar
+  And tupp'ny ciga-a-ar."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENCOURAGING, VERY!
+
+_Cockney Art-Teacher (newly arrived and nervous--after a long silence)._
+"If you _should_ see a chance o' drorin' any thing correctly--DO SO!!"
+
+    [_Collapse of expectant student._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STANDING NO NONSENSE.
+
+_'Arry._ "Phew!"--(_the weather was warm, and they had walked over from
+'Ammersmith_)--"bring us a bottle o'champagne, waiter."
+
+_Waiter._ "Yessir--dry, sir?"
+
+_'Arry (aughtily, to put a stop to this familiarity at once)._ "Never
+you mind whether we're dry or whether we ain't!--bring the wine!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHEREDITY.
+
+_Lady._ "You don't mean to tell me that this little girl is fit to wait
+at table!"
+
+_Mother (proudly)._ "Well 'm, she _ought_ to be, seein' as 'ow 'er
+father 'as been a _plate layer_ for five-and-twenty year!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (referring to programme, to friend)._ "'Schumann,
+op. 2.' What's the meaning of 'op. 2'?"
+
+_'Arry (who thinks he is being addressed, and always ready to oblige
+with information)._ "Oh, op. 2. Second dance; second 'op, yer know. May
+I 'ave the pleasure?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SALE OF INTOXICANTS TO CHILDREN BILL.
+
+"It's another hinjustice to hus pore wimmen, it is! They won't let us
+send the kids for it now, an' if my heldest boy goes for it 'e 'as 'arf
+of it 'isself, 'an' if my old man goes 'e never comes back! so the hend
+of it is, I 'ave to go for it myself!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISCOURAGING.
+
+_Nervous Philanthropist (on a slumming excursion)._ "Can you tell me if
+this is Little Erebus Street, my man?"
+
+_Suspicious-looking Party._ "Yus."
+
+_Nervous P._ "Er--rather a rough sort of thoroughfare, isn't it?"
+
+_Suspicious-looking P._ "Yus; it is a bit thick. The further yer gows
+daown, the thicker it gits. I lives in the last 'aouse."
+
+    [_Exit philanthropist hurriedly in the opposite direction._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.
+
+_First Burglar._ "'Ere's a go, mate! This 'ere bit o' turkey, knuckile
+hend of an 'am, arf a sossidge, and the 'olly off the plum-puddin'!
+Might as well 'ave looked in on a bloomin' vegetarian!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Temperance Orator._ "Ho, pause, my dear friends, pause!"
+_A Voice._ "Ye're right, ole man, _they are_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COCKNEY HOBSERVATION.
+
+Cockneys are not the only people who drop or exasperate the "h's." It is
+done by common people in the provinces, and you may laugh at them for
+it. The deduction therefore is, that a peasant, with an "h," is fair
+game.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW COCKNEY SAINT.--Mrs. Malaprop declares that if she lives to be a
+hundred--and all her family detain a venerated age--she will certainly
+have a Saint 'Enery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIDDLE BY 'ARRY.--"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried
+lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?--Why,
+'_Miss is 'ippy_,' o' course."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EASTER MONDAY
+
+_'Arry._ "Do you pass any pubs on the way to Broadstairs, cabby?"
+
+_Cabby._ "Yes. Lots."
+
+_'Arry._ "Well, _don't!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I think you dropped
+this?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR ***
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