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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/38510-8.txt b/38510-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8939364 --- /dev/null +++ b/38510-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15862 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Discipline, by Mary Brunton + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Discipline + + +Author: Mary Brunton + + + +Release Date: January 6, 2012 [eBook #38510] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DISCIPLINE*** + + +E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau, Paula Franzini, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +DISCIPLINE + +by + +MARY BRUNTON + + + + +CONTENTS + + + Chapter I 1 + Chapter II 11 + Chapter III 19 + Chapter IV 32 + Chapter V 41 + Chapter VI 51 + Chapter VII 61 + Chapter VIII 73 + Chapter IX 83 + Chapter X 101 + Chapter XI 114 + Chapter XII 124 + Chapter XIII 143 + Chapter XIV 156 + Chapter XV 165 + Chapter XVI 178 + Chapter XVII 193 + Chapter XVIII 210 + Chapter XIX 217 + Chapter XX 231 + Chapter XXI 244 + Chapter XXII 257 + Chapter XXIII 269 + Chapter XXIV 286 + Chapter XXV 301 + Chapter XXVI 313 + Chapter XXVII 327 + Chapter XXVIII 340 + Chapter XXIX 351 + Chapter XXX 367 + + + + +CHAPTER I + + _--I was wayward, bold, and wild; + A self-willed imp; a grandame's child; + But, half a plague and half a jest, + Was still endured, beloved, carest._ + + Walter Scott + + +I have heard it remarked, that he who writes his own history ought to +possess Irish humour, Scotch prudence, and English sincerity;--the +first, that his work may be read; the second that it may be read without +injury to himself; the third, that the perusal of it may be profitable +to others. I might, perhaps, with truth declare, that I possess only the +last of these qualifications. But, besides that my readers will probably +take the liberty of estimating for themselves my merits as a narrator, I +suspect, that professions of humility may possibly deceive the professor +himself; and that, while I am honestly confessing my disqualifications, +I may be secretly indemnifying my pride, by glorying in the candour of +my confession. + +Any expression of self-abasement might, indeed, appear peculiarly +misplaced as a preface to whole volumes of egotism; the world being +generally uncharitable enough to believe, that vanity may somewhat +influence him who chooses himself for his theme. Nor can I be certain +that this charge is wholly inapplicable to me; since it is notorious to +common observation, that, rather than forego their darling subject, the +vain will expatiate even on their errors. A better motive, however, +mingles with those which impel me to relate my story. It is no unworthy +feeling which leads such as are indebted beyond return, to tell of the +benefits they have received; or which prompts one who has escaped from +eminent peril, to warn others of the danger of their way. + +It is, I believe, usual with those who undertake to be their own +biographers, to begin with tracing their illustrious descent. I fear +this portion of my history must be compiled from very scanty materials; +for my father, the only one of the race who was ever known to me, never +mentioned his family, except to preface a philippic against all +dignities in church and state. Against these he objected, as fostering +'that aristocratical contumely, which flesh and blood cannot endure'; a +vice which I have heard him declare to be, above all others, the object +of his special antipathy. For this selection, which will probably obtain +sympathy only from the base-born, my father was not without reason; for, +to the pride of birth it was doubtless owing that my grandfather, a +cadet of an ancient family, was doomed to starve upon a curacy, in +revenge for his contaminating the blood of the Percys by an unequal +alliance; and, when disappointment and privation had brought him to an +early grave, it was probably the same sentiment which induced his +relations to prolong his punishment in the person of his widow and +infants, who, with all possible dignity and unconcern, were left to +their fate. My father, therefore, began the world with very slender +advantages; an accident of which he was so far from being ashamed, that +he often triumphantly recorded it, ascribing his subsequent affluence to +his own skill and diligence alone. + +He was, as I first recollect him, a muscular dark-complexioned man, with +a keen black eye, cased in an extraordinary perplexity of wrinkle, and +shaded by a heavy beetling eyebrow. The peculiarity of his face was a +certain arching near the corner of his upper lip, to which it was +probably owing that a smile did not improve his countenance; but this +was of the less consequence, as he did not often smile. He had, indeed, +arrived at that age when gravity is at least excusable; although no +trace of infirmity appeared in his portly figure and strong-sounding +tread. + +His whole appearance and demeanour were an apt contrast to those of my +mother, in whose youthful form and features symmetry gained a charm from +that character of fragility which presages untimely decay, and that air +of melancholy which seems to welcome decline. I have her figure now +before me. I recollect the tender brightness of her eyes, as laying her +hand upon my head, she raised them silently to heaven. I love to +remember the fine flush that was called to her cheek by the fervour of +the half-uttered blessing. She was, in truth, a gentle being; and bore +my wayward humour with an angel's patience. But she exercised a control +too gentle over a spirit which needed to be reined by a firmer hand than +hers. She shrunk from bestowing even merited reproof, and never +inflicted pain without suffering much more than she caused. Yet, let not +these relentings of nature be called weakness--or if the stern morality +refuse to spare, let it disarm his severity, to learn that I was an only +child. + +I know not whether it was owing to the carelessness of nurses, or the +depravity of waiting-maids, or whether, 'to say all, nature herself +wrought in me so'; but, from the earliest period of my recollection, I +furnished an instance at least, if not a proof, of the corruption of +human kind; being proud, petulant, and rebellious. Some will probably +think the growth of such propensities no more unaccountable than that of +briars and thorns; being prepared, from their own experience and +observation, to expect that both should spring without any particular +culture. But whoever is dissatisfied with this compendious deduction, +may trace my faults to certain accidents in my early education. + +I was, of course, a person of infinite importance to my mother. While +she was present, her eye followed my every motion, and watched every +turn of my countenance. Anxious to anticipate every wish, and vigilant +to relieve every difficulty, she never thought of allowing me to pay the +natural penalties of impatience or self-indulgence. If one servant was +driven away by my caprice, another attended my bidding. If my toys were +demolished, new baubles were ready at my call. Even when my mother was +reluctantly obliged to testify displeasure, her coldness quickly yielded +to my tears; and I early discovered, that I had only to persevere in the +demonstrations of obstinate sorrow, in order to obtain all the +privileges of the party offended. When she was obliged to consign me to +my maid, it was with earnest injunctions that I should be +amused,--injunctions which it every day became more difficult to fulfil. +Her return was always marked by fond inquiries into my proceedings +during her absence; and I must do my attendants the justice to say, that +their replies were quite as favourable as truth would permit. They were +too politic to hazard, at once, my favour and hers, by being officiously +censorious. On the contrary, they knew how to ingratiate themselves, by +rehearsing my witticisms, with such additions and improvements as made +my original property in them rather doubtful. My mother, pleased with +the imposition, usually listened with delight; or, if she suspected the +fraud, was too gentle to repulse it with severity, and too partial +herself, to blame what she ascribed to a kindred partiality. On my +father's return from the counting-house, my double rectified _bon mots_ +were commonly repeated to him, in accents low enough to draw my +attention, as to somewhat not intended for my ear, yet so distinct as +not to balk my curiosity. This record of my wit served a triple purpose. +It confirmed my opinion of my own consequence, and of the vast +importance of whatever I was pleased to say or do: it strengthened the +testimony which my mother's visiters bore to my miraculous prematurity; +and it established in my mind that association so favourable to feminine +character, between repartee and applause! + +To own the truth, my mother lay under strong temptation to report my +sallies, for my father always listened to them with symptoms of +pleasure. They sometimes caused his countenance to relax into a smile; +and sometimes, either when they were more particularly brilliant, or his +spirits in a more harmonious tone, he would say, 'Come, Fanny, get me +something nice for supper, and keep Ellen in good humour, and I won't go +to the club to-night.' He generally, however, had reason to repent of +this resolution; for though my mother performed her part to perfection, +I not unfrequently experienced, in my father's presence, that restraint +which has fettered elder wits under a consciousness of being expected to +entertain. Or, if my efforts were more successful, he commonly closed +his declining eulogiums by saying, 'It is a confounded pity she is a +girl. If she had been of the right sort, she might have got into +Parliament, and made a figure with the best of them. But now what use is +her sense of?'--'I hope it will contribute to her happiness,' said my +mother, sighing as if she had thought the fulfilment of her hope a +little doubtful. 'Poh!' quoth my father, 'no fear of her happiness. +Won't she have two hundred thousand pounds, and never know the trouble +of earning it, nor need to do one thing from morning to night but amuse +herself?' My mother made no answer;--so by this and similar +conversations, a most just and desirable connection was formed in my +mind between the ideas of amusement and happiness, of labour and misery. + +If to such culture as this I owed the seeds of my besetting sins, at +least, it must be owned that the soil was propitious, for the bitter +root spread with disastrous vigour; striking so deep, that the iron +grasp of adversity, the giant strength of awakened conscience, have +failed to tear it wholly from the heart, though they have crushed its +outward luxuriance. + +Self-importance was fixed in my mind long before I could examine the +grounds of this preposterous sentiment. It could not properly be said to +rest on my talents, my beauty, or my prospects. Though these had each +its full value in my estimation, they were but the trappings of my idol, +which, like other idols, owed its dignity chiefly to the misjudging +worship which I saw it receive. Children seldom reflect upon their own +sentiments; and their self-conceit may, humanly speaking, be incurable, +before they have an idea of its turpitude, or even of its existence. +During the many years in which mine influenced every action and every +thought, whilst it hourly appeared in the forms of arrogance, of +self-will, impatience of reproof, love of flattery, and love of sway, I +should have heard of its very existence with an incredulous smile, or +with an indignation which proved its power. And when at last I learnt to +bestow on one of its modifications a name which the world agrees to +treat with some respect, I could own that I was even 'proud of my +pride;' representing every instance of a contrary propensity as the +badge of a servile and grovelling disposition. + +Meanwhile my encroachments upon the peace and liberty of all who +approached me, were permitted for the very reason which ought to have +made them be repelled,--namely, that I was but a child! I was the +dictatrix of my playfellows, the tyrant of the servants, and the +idolised despot of both my parents. My father, indeed, sometimes +threatened transient rebellion, and announced opposition in the tone of +one determined to conquer or die; but, though justice might be on his +side, perseverance, a surer omen of success, was upon mine. Hour after +hour, nay, day after day, I could whine, pout, or importune, encouraged +by the remembrance of former victories. My obstinacy always at length +prevailed, and of course gathered strength for future combat. Nor did it +signify how trivial might be the matter originally in dispute. Nothing +could be unimportant which opposed my sovereign will. That will became +every day more imperious; so that, however much it governed others, I +was myself still more its slave, knowing no rest or peace but in its +gratification. I had often occasion to rue its triumphs, since not even +the cares of my fond mother could always shield me from the consequences +of my perverseness; and by the time I had reached my eighth year, I was +one of the most troublesome, and, in spite of great natural hilarity of +temper, at times one of the most unhappy beings, in that great +metropolis which contains such variety of annoyance and of misery. + +Upon retracing this sketch of the progress and consequences of my early +education, I begin to fear, that groundless censure may fall upon the +guardians of my infancy; and that defect of understanding or of +principle may be imputed to those who so unsuccessfully executed their +trust. Let me hasten to remove such a prejudice. My father's +understanding was respectable in the line to which he chose to confine +its exertions. Indifference to my happiness or my improvement cannot +surely be alleged against him, for I was the pride of his heart. I have +seen him look up from his newspaper, while reading the 'shipping +intelligence,' or the opposition speeches, to listen to the praises of +my beauty or my talents; and, except when his temper was irritated by my +perverseness, I was the object of his almost exclusive affection. But he +was a man of business. His days were spent in the toil and bustle of +commerce; and, if the evening brought him to his home, it was not +unnatural that he should there seek domestic peace and relaxation,--a +purpose wholly incompatible with the correction of a spoiled child. My +mother was indeed one of the finer order of spirits. She had an elegant, +a tender, a pious mind. Often did she strive to raise my young heart to +Him from whom I had so lately received my being. But, alas! her too +partial fondness overlooked in her darling the growth of that pernicious +weed, whose shade is deadly to every plant of celestial origin. She +continued unconsciously to foster in me that spirit of pride, which may +indeed admit the transient admiration of excellence, or even the passing +fervours of gratitude, but which is manifestly opposite to vital +piety;--to that piety which consists in a surrender of self-will, of +self-righteousness, of self in every form, to the Divine justice, +holiness, and sovereignty. It was, perhaps, for training us to this +temper, of such difficult, yet such indispensable attainment, that the +discipline of parental authority was intended. I have long seen reason +to repent the folly which deprived me of the advantages of this useful +apprenticeship, but this conviction has been the fruit of discipline far +more painful. + +In the mean time, my self-will was preparing for me an immediate +punishment, and eventually a heavy, and irremediable misfortune. I had +just entered my ninth year, when one evening an acquaintance of my +mother's sent me an invitation to her box in the theatre. As I had been +for some days confined at home by a cold, and sore throat, my mother +judged it proper to refuse. But the message had been unwarily delivered +in my hearing, and I was clamorous for permission to go. The danger of +compliance being, in this instance, manifest, my mother resisted my +entreaties with unwonted firmness. After arguing with me, and soothing +me in vain, she took the tone of calm command, and forbade me to urge +her further. I then had recourse to a mode of attack which I often found +successful, and began to scream with all my might. My mother, though +with tears in her eyes, ordered a servant to take me out of the room. +But, at the indignity of plebeian coercion, my rage was so nearly +convulsive, that, in terror, she consented to let me remain, upon +condition of quietness. I was, however, so far from fulfilling my part +of this compact, that my father, who returned in the midst of the +contest, lost patience; and, turning somewhat testily to my mother, +said, 'The child will do herself more harm by roaring there, than by +going to fifty plays.' + +I observed (for my agonies by no means precluded observation) that my +mother only replied by a look, which seemed to say that she could have +spared this apostrophe; but my father growing a little more out of +humour as he felt himself somewhat in the wrong, chose to answer to that +look, by saying, in an angry tone, 'It really becomes you well, Mrs +Percy, to pretend that I spoil the child, when you know you can refuse +her nothing.' + +'That, I fear,' said my mother, with a sigh, 'will be Ellen's great +misfortune. Her dispositions seem such as to require restraint.' + +'Poh!' quoth my father, 'her dispositions will do well enough. A woman +is the better for a spice of the devil!'--an aphorism, which we have +owed at first to some gentleman who, like my father, had slender +experience in the pungencies of female character. + +Gathering hopes from this dialogue, I redoubled my vociferation, till my +father, out of all patience, closed the contest, as others had been +closed before, by saying, 'Well, well, you perverse, ungovernable brat, +do take your own way, and have done with it.' I instantly profited by +the permission, was dressed, and departed for the play. + +I paid dearly for my triumph. The first consequence of it was a +dangerous fever. My mother,--but what words can do justice to the cares +which saved my quivering life; what language shall paint the tenderness +that watched my restless bed, and pillowed my aching temples on her +bosom; that shielded from the light the burning eye, and warded from +every sound the morbid ear; that persevered in these cares of love till +nature failed beneath the toil, and till, with her own precious life, +she had redeemed me from the grave! My mother--first, fondest love of my +soul! is this barren, feeble record, the only return I can make for all +thy matchless affection? + +After hanging for three weeks upon the very brink of the grave, I +recovered. But anxiety and fatigue had struck to the gentlest, the +kindest of hearts; and she to whom I twice owed my life, was removed +from me before I had even a thought of my vast debt of gratitude. For +some months her decline was visible to every eye, except that of the +poor heedless being who had most reason to dread its progress. Yet even +I, when I saw her fatigued with my importunate prattle, or exhausted by +my noisy merriment, would check my spirits, soften my voice to a +whisper, and steal round her sofa on tiptoe. Ages would not efface from +my mind the tenderness with which she received these feeble attributes +of an affection, alas! so dearly earned. By degrees, the constant +intercourse which had been the blessing of my life was exchanged for +short occasional visits to my mother's chamber. Again these were +restricted to a few moments, while the morning lent her a short-lived +vigour; and a few more, while I received her evening blessing. + +At length three days passed, in which I had not seen my mother. I was +then summoned to her presence; and, full of the improvident rapture of +childhood, I bounded gaily to her apartment. But all gladness fled, when +my mother, folding me in her arms, burst into a feeble cry, followed by +the big convulsive sob which her weakness was unable to repress. Many a +time did she press her pale lips to every feature of my face; and often +strove to speak, but found no utterance. An attendant, who was a +stranger to me, now approached to remove me, saying, that my mother +would injure herself. In the dread of being parted from her child, my +fond parent found momentary strength; and, still clinging to me, hid her +face on my shoulder, and became more composed. 'Ellen,' said she, in a +feeble broken voice, 'lift up thy little hands, and pray that we may +meet again.' Unconscious of her full meaning, I knelt down by her; and, +resting my lifted hands upon her knees as I was wont to do while she +taught me to utter my infant petitions, I said, 'Oh! let mamma see her +dear Ellen again!' Once more she made me repeat my simple prayer; then, +bending over me, she rested her locked hands upon my head, and the +warmth of a last blessing burst into tremulous interrupted whispers. One +only of these parting benedictions is imprinted on my mind. Wonder +impressed it there at first; and, when nearly effaced by time, the +impression was restored with force irresistible. These were the +well-remembered words: 'Oh be kinder than her earthly parents, and show +thyself a father, though it be in chastising.' + +Many a tender wish did she breathe, long since forgotten by her +thoughtless child, till at last the accents of love were again lost in +the thick struggling sobs of weakness. Again the attendant offered to +remove me; and I, half-wearied with the sadness of the scene, was not +unwilling to go. Yet I tried to soothe a sorrow which I could not +comprehend, by promising that I would soon return. Once more, with the +strength of agony, my mother pressed me to her bosom; then, turning away +her head, she pushed me gently from her. I was led from her chamber--the +door closed--I heard again the feeble melancholy cry, and her voice was +silent to my ear for ever. + +The next day I pleaded in vain to see my mother. Another came, and every +face looked mournfully busy. I saw not my father; but the few domestics +who approached me, gazed sadly on my childish pastime, or uttered an +expression of pity, and hurried away. Unhappily, I scarcely knew why, I +remembered my resort in all my little distresses, and insisted upon +being admitted to my mother. My attendant long endeavoured to evade +compliance, and when she found me resolute, was forced to tell the +melancholy truth. She had so often combated my wilfulness by deceit, +that I listened without believing; yet, when I saw her serious +countenance, something like alarm added to my impatience, and, bursting +from her, I flew to my mother's chamber. + +The door which used to fly open at my signal was fastened, and no one +answered my summons; but the key remained in the lock, and I soon +procured admission. All seemed strangely altered since I saw it last. No +trace appeared of my mother's presence. Here reigned the order and the +stillness of desolation. The curtains were drawn back, and the bed +arranged with more than wonted care: yet it seemed pressed by the +semblance of a human form. I drew away the cover, and beheld my mother's +face. I thought she slept; yet the stern quietness of her repose was +painful to me. 'Wake, dear mamma,' I hastily cried, and wondered when +the smile of love answered not my call. I reached my hand to touch her +cheek, and started at its coldness; yet, still childishly incredulous of +my loss, I sprang upon the bed, and threw my arm round her neck. + +A frightful shriek made me turn, and I beheld my attendant stretching +her arms towards me, as if fearing to approach. Her looks of horror and +alarm,--her incoherent expressions,--the motionless form before me, at +last convinced me of the truth; and all the vulgar images of death and +sepulture rushing on my mind, I burst into agonies of mingled grief and +fear. To be carried hence by strangers, laid in the earth, shut out for +ever from the light and from me!--I clung to the senseless clay, +resolved, while I had life, to shield my dear mother from such a fate. + +My cries assembled the family, who attempted to withdraw me from the +scene. In vain they endeavoured to persuade or to terrify me. I +continued to hang on the bosom which had nourished me, and to mingle my +cries of Mother! mother! with vows that I would never leave her, not +though they should hide me with her in the earth. At last my father +commanded the servants to remove me by force. In vain I struggled and +shrieked in anguish. I was torn from her,--and the tie was severed for +ever! + + + + +CHAPTER II + + _Such little wasps, and yet so full of spite; + For bulk mere insects, yet in mischief strong._ + + Tate's Juvenal + + +For some hours I was inconsolable; but at length tired nature befriended +me, and I wept myself to sleep. The next morning, before I was +sufficiently awake for recollection, I again, in a confused sense of +pain, began my instinctive wailing. I was, however, somewhat comforted +by the examination of my new jet ornaments; and the paroxysms of my +grief thenceforth returned at lengthening intervals, and with abating +force. Yet when I passed my mother's chamber-door, and remembered that +all within was desolate, I would cast myself down at the threshold, and +mix with shrieks of agony the oft-repeated cry of Mother! mother! Or, +when I was summoned to the parlour, where no one now was concerned to +promote my pastimes, or remove my difficulties, or grant my +requests,--on the failure of some of my little projects, I would lean my +head on her now vacant seat, and vent a quieter sorrow, till reproof +swelled it into loud lamentation. + +These passing storms my father found to be very hostile to the calm +which he had promised himself in a fortnight of decent seclusion from +the cares of the counting-house. Besides, I became, in other respects, +daily more troublesome. The only influence which could bend my stubborn +will being now removed, he was hourly harassed with complaints of my +refractory conduct. It was constantly, 'Sir, Miss Ellen won't go to +bed,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't get up,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't have her +hair combed,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't learn her lesson.' My father +having tried his authority some half-a-dozen times in vain, declared, +not without reason, that the child was completely spoiled; so, by way +of a summary cure for the evil, so far at least as it affected himself, +he determined to send me to a fashionable boarding-school. + +In pursuance of this determination I was conveyed to ---- House, then +one of the most polite seminaries of the metropolis, and committed to +the tuition of Madame Duprè. My father, who did not pique himself on his +acquaintance with the mysteries of education, gave no instructions in +regard to mine, except that expense should not be spared on it; and he +certainly never found reason to complain that this injunction was +neglected. For my own part, I submitted, without opposition, to the +change in my situation. The prospect of obtaining companions of my own +age reconciled me to quitting the paternal roof, which I had of late +found a melancholy abode. + +A school,--it has been observed so often, that we are all tired of the +observation,--a school is an epitome of the world. I am not even sure +that the bad passions are not more conspicuous in the baby commonwealth, +than among the 'children of a larger growth;' since, in after-life, +experience teaches some the policy of concealing their evil +propensities; while others, in a course of virtuous effort, gain +strength to subdue them. Be that as it may, I was scarcely domesticated +in my new abode ere I began at once to indulge and to excite the most +unamiable feelings of our nature. + +'What a charming companion Miss Percy will make for Lady Maria,' said +one of the teachers to another who was sitting near her. 'Yes,' returned +the other in a very audible whisper, 'and a lovely pair they are.' The +first speaker, directing to me a disapproving look, lowered her voice, +and answered something of which only the words 'not to be compared' +reached my ear. The second, with seeming astonishment at the sentiments +of her opponent, and a glance of complacency to me, permitted me to hear +that the words 'animation,' 'sensibility,' 'intelligence,' formed part +of her reply. The first drew up her head, giving her antagonist a +disdainful smile; and the emphatical parts of her speech were, 'air of +fashion,' 'delicacy,' 'mien of noble birth,' &c. &c. A comparison was +next instituted aloud between the respective ages of Lady Maria and +myself; and at this point of the controversy, the said Lady Maria +happened to enter the room. + +I must confess that I had reason to be flattered by any personal +comparison between myself and my little rival, who was indeed one of the +loveliest children in the world. So dazzling was the fairness of her +complexion, so luxuriant her flaxen hair, so bright her large blue +eyes, that, in my approbation of her beauty, I forgot to draw from the +late conversation an obvious inference in favour of my own. But I was +not long permitted to retain this desirable abstraction from self. 'Here +is a young companion for you, Lady Maria,' said the teacher:--'come, and +I will introduce you to each other.' + +Her little Ladyship, eyeing me askance, answered, 'I can't come now--the +dress-maker is waiting to fit on my frock.' + +'Come hither at once when you are desired, young lady,' said my +champion, in no conciliating tone; and Lady Maria, pouting her pretty +under lip, obeyed. + +The teacher, who seemed to take pleasure in thwarting her impatience to +begone, detained her after the introduction, till it should be +ascertained which of us was eldest, and then till we should measure +which was tallest. Lady Maria, who had confessed herself to be two years +older than I was, reddened with mortification when my champion +triumphantly declared me to have the advantage in stature. It was not +till the little lady seemed thoroughly out of humour that she was +permitted to retire; and I saw her no more till we met in school, where +the same lesson was prescribed to both. Desirous that the first +impression of my abilities should be favourable, I was diligent in +performing my task. Perhaps some remains of ill-humour made Lady Maria +neglect hers. Of consequence, I was commended, Lady Maria reproved. Had +the reproof and the commendation extended only to our respective degrees +of diligence, the equitable sentence would neither have inflamed the +conceit of the one, nor the jealousy of the other; but my former +champion, whose business it was to examine our proficiency, incautiously +turned the spirit of competition into a channel not only unprofitable +but mischievous, by making our different success the test of our +abilities, not of our industry; and while I cast a triumphant glance +upon my fair competitor, I saw her eyes fill with tears not quite 'such +as angels shed.' + +At length we were all dismissed to our pastimes; and 'every one strolled +off his own glad way;' every one but I; who finding myself, for the +first time in my life, of consequence to nobody, and restrained partly +by pride, partly by bashfulness, from making advances to my new +associates, sat down alone, looking wistfully from one merry party to +another. My attention was arrested by a group more quiet than the rest; +where, however, my new rival seemed to play the orator, speaking very +earnestly to two of her companions, and laying one hand on the shoulder +of each, as if to enforce attention. Her Ladyship spoke in whispers, for +good manners are not hereditary; casting, at intervals, such glances +towards me as showed that I was the subject of remarks not over +laudatory. + +Presently the group began to move; and Lady Maria, leading it, as if by +accident, to the place where I sat, accosted me with an air of +restrained haughtiness. 'Pray, Miss Percy,' said she, 'are you of the +Duke of Northumberland's family?'--'No,' answered I.--'What Percys, +then, do you belong to?'--'I belong to my father, Mr. Percy, the great +West India merchant, in Bloomsbury Square,' returned I, not doubting +that my consequence would be raised by this information. To my great +surprise, however, Lady Maria's ideas of my importance did not seem +affected by this intelligence; for she said in a familiar tone, 'But who +was your grandfather, my dear? I suppose you had a grandfather!'--and +she looked round for applause at this sally. + +Now it happened that I was then wholly ignorant of the dignity which may +be derived from this relative, having never heard whether I had a +grandfather or not; but I plainly perceived that the question was not +graciously meant; and therefore I answered, with mixed simplicity and +ill-humour, 'Oh! I am not a fool,--I know I must have had a grandfather; +but I think he could not be a duke, for I have heard papa say he had +just five shillings to begin the world with!' + +'So, for aught you can tell,' said Lady Maria, shrugging her shoulders +and tittering, 'your father may be the son of a blacksmith or a +cobbler!' + +'No, no,' interrupted one of her Ladyship's abettors, 'don't you hear +Miss Percy say that he owed his being to a crown!' + +This piece of boarding-school wit seemed to delight Lady Maria, who, +looking me full in the face, burst into a most vociferous fit of +laughter; an impertinence which I resented with more spirit than +elegance, by giving her Ladyship a hearty box on the ear. A moment of +dead silence ensued; the by-standers looking at each in consternation, +while my pretty antagonist collected her breath for screams of pain and +rage. + +The superior powers were speedily assembled on the field of conflict; +and the grounds of quarrel were investigated. The incivility of mine +adversaries was reproved; but my more heinous outrage was judged worthy +of imprisonment. In consequence of my being a stranger, it was proposed +that this punishment should be remitted, upon condition of my +apologising to Lady Maria, and promising future good behaviour. With +these conditions, however, I positively refused to comply; declaring +that, if they were necessary to my release, I would remain in +confinement till my father removed me from school. In vain did the +teachers entreat, and Madame Duprè command. I insisted, with sobs of +indignation, that Lady Maria was justly punished for her impertinence; +and stoutly asserted my right to defend myself from aggression. The +maintenance of order required that I should be subdued; and, finding me +altogether inflexible in regard to the terms of capitulation, the +governess, in spite of the wildest transports of my rage, committed me +to close custody. + +Left to itself, my fury, by degrees, subsided into sullen resolution. +Conceiving that I had been unjustly treated, I determined not to yield. +This humour lasted till the second day of my captivity, when I began to +entertain some thoughts of a compromise with my dignity. Yet, when the +original terms were again proposed to me without abatement, pride +forbade me to accept what I had so often refused; and I remained another +day in durance. At last, when I was heartily wearied of solitude and +inaction, I received a visit from my champion; and though I had +stubbornly withstood higher authority, I was moved by remembrance of the +favour she had shown me, to consent, that, provided Lady Maria would +humble herself before me for her impertinence, I would apologise for the +blow which I had given. It was now her Ladyship's turn to be obstinate. +She refused to comply; so after another day's confinement I was +liberated unconditionally, as having sufficiently expiated my fault. + +From that time an ill-humour prevailed between Lady Maria and myself, +which was kept alive by mutual indications of insolence and ill-will. It +had too little dignity to bear the name of hatred; and might rather be +characterised as a kind of snappishness, watchful to give and to take +offence. Our companions enlisted in our quarrels. By degrees almost +every girl in the school had been drawn to engage on one side or other; +and our mutual bickerings were often carried on with as much rancour as +ever envenomed the contests of Whig and Tory. + +Of all my adherents, the last to declare in my favour, the most steady +when fixed, was Miss Juliet Arnold, the daughter of an insurance-broker +lately deceased. Mr Arnold, finding it impossible to derive from himself +or his ancestors sufficient consequence to satisfy his desires, was +obliged to draw for importance upon posterity, by becoming the founder +of a family; therefore, leaving his daughter almost in a state of +dependence, he bequeathed the bulk of a considerable fortune to his son. +This young gentleman calculated that the most frugal way of providing +for his sister would be to aid her in obtaining an establishment. Miss +Juliet Arnold, therefore, was educated to be married. + +Let no simple reader, trained by an antiquated grandmother in the +country, imagine my meaning to be that Miss Arnold was practised in the +domestic, the economical, the submissive virtues; that she was skilled +in excusing frailty, enlivening solitude, or scattering sunshine upon +the passing clouds of life!--I only mean that Miss Arnold was taught +accomplishments which were deemed likely to attract notice and +admiration; that she knew what to withdraw from the view, and what to +prepare for exhibition; that she was properly instructed in the value of +settlements; and duly convinced of the degradation and misery of failure +in the grand purpose of a lady's existence. For the rest, nature had +done much to qualify Juliet for her profession; for she had a pliant +temper, and an easy address; she could look undesigning, and flatter +fearlessly; her manners were caressing, her passions cool, and her +person was generally agreeable, without being handsome enough to awaken +the caution of the one sex or the envy of the other. Even when a child, +she had an instinctive preference for companions superior to herself in +rank and fortune; and though she was far from being a general favourite, +was sure to make herself acceptable where she chose to conciliate. + +Miss Arnold balanced long between my party and that of Lady Maria de +Burgh. She affected to be equally well inclined to both, and even +assumed the character of mediatrix. An invitation from Lady Maria to +spend the holidays at the seat of her father the Duke of C----, entirely +alienated Miss Arnold from my interests for a time; but just as she had +finished her preparations for the important journey, the fickle dame of +quality transferred her choice of a travelling companion to a young lady +of her own rank, whose holiday festivities she was desirous of sharing +in her turn. + +From this time, Miss Arnold was my firm ally. She praised me much, +defended me pertinaciously, and, right or wrong, embraced my opinions. +Of course, she convinced me of her ardent affection for me; and I, +accustomed almost from my birth to love with my whole heart, seized the +first object that promised to fill the place which was now vacant there. +Miss Arnold and I, therefore, became inseparable. We espoused each +other's quarrels, abetted each other's frolics, assisted each other's +plots, and excused each other's misdemeanours. I smuggled forbidden +novels into school for her; and she introduced contraband sweetmeats for +me. In short, to use the language often applied to such confederations, +we were 'great friends.' + +This compact was particularly advantageous to me; for having, partly +from nature, partly from habitual confidence of indulgence, a tendency +to blunt plain-dealing, I was altogether inadequate to the invention of +the hundred sly tricks and convenient excuses which I owed to the +superior genius of my confederate. Often when I would have resigned +myself, like a simpleton, to merited reproof, did she, with a bold +flight of imagination, interpose, and bear me through in triumph. If +these efforts of invention had been made in the cause of another, I +might have been tempted to brand them with their proper title; as it +was, I first learnt to pardon them because of their good nature, and +then to admire them for their ingenuity. + +Meanwhile our education proceeded _selon les règles_. We were taught the +French and Italian languages; but, in as far as was compatible with +these acquisitions, we remained in ignorance of the accurate science, or +elegant literature to which they might have introduced us. We learnt to +draw landscape; but, secluded from the fair originals of nature, we +gained not one idea from the art, except such as were purely mechanical. +Miss Arnold painted beautiful fans, and I was an adept in the +manufacture of card purses and match figures. But had we been restricted +to the use of such apparel as we could make, I fear we should have been +reduced to even more than fashionable scantiness of attire. The +advertisements from ---- House protested that 'the utmost attention +should be paid to the morals of the pupils;' which promise was +performed, by requiring, that every Sunday afternoon, we should repeat +by rote a page of the Catechism, after which we were sent 'forth to +meditate, at even tide,' in the Park. We were instructed in the art of +wearing our clothes fashionably, and arranging our decorations with +grace and effect; but as for 'the ornaments of a meek and quiet spirit,' +they were in no higher estimation at ---- House than 'wimples and round +tires like the moon.' + +At the end of seven years of laborious and expensive trifling, the only +accomplishment, perhaps, in which I had attained real proficiency, was +music. I had naturally a clear voice, a delicate ear, and a strong +sensibility to sweet sounds; but I should never have exercised the +perseverance necessary to excellence, had it not been from emulation of +Lady Maria de Burgh. This stimulant, of doubtful character, even when +untainted with the poison of enmity, operated so effectually, that I at +last outstripped all my competitors; and my musical powers were +pronounced equal to any which the public may command for hire. This +acquisition (I blush whilst I write it) cost me the labour of seven +hours a day!--full half the time which, after deducting the seasons of +rest and refreshment, remained for all the duties of a rational, a +social, an immortal being! Wise Providence! was it to be squandered +thus, that leisure was bestowed upon a happy few!--leisure, the most +precious distinction of wealth!--leisure, the privilege of Eden! for +which fallen man must so often sigh and toil in vain! + +Not such were the sentiments with which at sixteen I reviewed my +acquirements. I considered them as not less creditable to my genius and +industry, than suitable to the sphere in which I expected to move; and I +earnestly longed to exhibit them in a world which my imagination peopled +with admiring friends. I had, besides, an indistinct desire to challenge +notice for gifts of more universal attraction. I knew that I was rich; I +more than half suspected that I was handsome; and my heart throbbed to +taste the pleasures and the pomps of wealth, but much more to claim the +respectful homage, the boundless sway, which I imagined to be the +prerogative of beauty. + +In the summer of my sixteenth year, Lady Maria was removed from school +to accompany the duchess her mother, on a tour to the watering places; +and the accounts with which she favoured her less fortunate companions, +of her dresses, her amusements, and her beaux, stimulated my impatience +for release. My father at last yielded to my importunities; and +consented, that, at the beginning of the fashionable winter, I should +enter a world which looked so alluring from afar; where the objects, +like sparks glittering in the distant fallow, flashed with a splendour +which they owed only to the position of the eye that gazed on them. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + _Lamented goodness!--Yet I see + The fond affection melting in her eye. + She bends its tearful orb on me, + And heaves the tender sigh; + As thoughtful she the toils surveys, + That crowd in life's perplexing maze._ + + Langhorne + + +My father signalised my return from school by a change in his mode of +life. He had been accustomed to repair regularly every morning at ten +o'clock, to the counting-house; and there, or upon 'Change, he spent the +greater part of the day in a routine of business, which twenty years had +seen uninterrupted, save by the death of my mother, and a weekly journey +to his villa at Richmond, where he always spent Saturday and Sunday. +Upon placing me at the head of his establishment, my father, not aware +of the difference between possessing leisure and enjoying it, determined +to shake off, in part, the cares of business, and to exchange a life of +toil for one of recreation, or rather of repose. Upon this account, and +tempted by a valuable consideration, he admitted into the house a junior +partner, who undertook to perform all the drudgery of superintending one +of the most extensive mercantile concerns in London, while my father +retained a large share of the profits. + +At the Christmas holidays I quitted school, impatient to enter on the +delights of womanhood. My father, whose ideas of relaxation were all +associated with his villa at Richmond, determined that I should there +spend the time which intervened before the commencement of the gay +winter. In compliance with my request, he invited Miss Arnold, whose +liberation took place at the same time with my own, to spend a few weeks +with me,--an invitation which was gladly accepted. + +This indulgence, however, was somewhat balanced by the presence of a +very different companion. My mother was a woman of real piety; and to +her was accorded that 'medicine of life,' which respectable authority +has assigned exclusively to persons of that character. She had a +'faithful friend.' This friend still survived, and in her my father +sought a kind and judicious adviser for my inexperience. He pressed her +to make his house her permanent abode, and to share with him in the +government of my turbulent spirit, until it should be consigned to other +authority. Miss Elizabeth Mortimer, therefore, though she refused to +relinquish entirely the independence of a home, left her cottage for a +while to the care of her only maid-servant; and rejoicing in an occasion +of manifesting affection for her departed friend, and pleasing herself +with the idea that one bond of sympathy yet remained between them, +prepared to revive her friendship to the mother in acts of kindness to +the child. + +I regret to say that she was received with sentiments much less +amicable. Miss Arnold and I considered her as a spy upon our actions, +and a restraint upon our pleasures. We called her Argus and duenna; +voted her a stick, a bore, a quiz, or, to sum up all reproach in one +comprehensive epithet, a Methodist. Not that she really was a sectary. +On the contrary, she was an affectionate and dutiful daughter of the +establishment, countenancing schismatics no further, than by adopting +such of their doctrines and practices as are plainly scriptural, and by +testifying towards them, on all occasions, whether of opposition or +conformity, a charity which evinced the divinity of its own origin. But +Miss Mortimer displayed a practical conviction, that grey hairs ought to +be covered with a cap; and that a neck of five-and-forty is the better +for a handkerchief; she attended church regularly; was seldom seen in a +public place; and, above all, was said to have the preposterous custom +of condescending to join her own servants in daily prayer. Miss Arnold +and I were persuaded that our duenna would attempt to import this +'pernicious superstition' into her new residence, and we resolved upon a +vigorous resistance of her authority. + +Our spirit, however, was not put to the proof. Miss Mortimer affected no +authority. She seemed indeed anxious to be useful, but afraid to be +officious. She was even so sparing of direct advice, that, had she not +been the most humble of human beings, I should have said that she +trusted to the dignity and grace of her general sentiments, and the +beautiful consistency of her example, for effecting the enormous +transition from what I was to what I ought to be. + +Her gentleness converted the dislike of her charge into feelings +somewhat less hostile. My friend and I could find nothing offensive in +her singularities; we therefore attempted to make them amusing. We +invented dismal cases of calamity, and indited piteous appeals to her +charity, making her often trudge miles over the snow in search of +fictitious objects of compassion; that we might laugh at the credulity +which was never deaf to the cry of want, and at the principle which +refused to give without enquiry. We hid her prayer-book; purloined her +hoards of baby linen and worsted stockings; and pasted caricatures on +the inside of her pew in church. + +Much of the zest of these excellent jokes was destroyed by the calm +temper and perverse simplicity of Miss Mortimer. If by chance she was +betrayed into situations really ludicrous, nobody laughed with more +hearty relish than she. Even on the more annoying of these practical +jests, she smiled with good-natured contempt; never, even by the +slightest glance, directing to Miss Arnold or myself the pity which she +expressed for the folly of the contriver. We could never perceive that +she suspected us of being her persecutors; and her simplicity, whether +real or affected, compelled us to a caution and respect which we would +have renounced had we been openly detected. Our jokes, however, such as +they were, we carried on with no small industry and perseverance; every +day producing some invention more remarkable for mischief than for wit. +At last the tragical issue of one of our frolics inclined me to a +suspension of hostilities; and had it not been for the superior firmness +of my friend Miss Arnold, I believe I should have finally laid down my +arms. + +We were invited one day to dine with a neighbouring gentleman, a +widower; whose family of dissipated boys and giddy girls were the chosen +associates of Miss Arnold and myself. My father was otherwise engaged, +and could not go; but Miss Mortimer accepted the invitation, very little +to the satisfaction of the junior members of the party, who had +projected a plan for the evening, with which her presence was likely to +interfere. Miss Arnold and I, therefore, exerted all our ingenuity to +keep her at home. We spilt a dish of tea upon her best silk gown; we +pressed her to eat pine-apple in hopes of exasperating her toothach; +and we related to her a horrible robbery and murder which had been +committed only the night before, in the very lane through which we were +to pass. These and many other contrivances proved ineffectual. As Miss +Mortimer could not wear her best gown, she could go in a worse; she +would not eat pine-apple; and she insisted that those who had committed +the murder only the night before must be bloody-minded indeed if they +were ready to commit another. Next I bribed the coachman to say that the +barouche could not stir till it was repaired; but my father, who, on +this occasion, seemed as determined as Miss Mortimer, insisting that we +should go under her auspices or not go at all, settled that Miss Arnold +should ride, while I drove Miss Mortimer in the curricle. + +Highly displeased with this decision, I resolved that Miss Mortimer, +whose forte certainly was not strength of nerve, should rue the mettle +of her charioteer. With this good-natured purpose, I privately arranged +that a race should be run between my steeds, and those which were +mounted by Miss Arnold, and one of the fry which had already begun to +swarm round the rich Miss Percy. We set off quietly enough, but we were +no sooner out of sight of my father's windows, than the signal was +given, and away we flew with the speed of lightning. I saw poor Miss +Mortimer look aghast, though she betrayed no other sign of fear, and I +had a malicious triumph in the thoughts of compelling her to sue for +quarter. + +'Is it not better, my dear,' said she at last, 'to drive a little more +deliberately? The road is narrow here, and if we were to run over some +poor creature, I know you would never forgive yourself.' + +There was such irresistible mildness in the manner of this +expostulation, that I could not disregard it; and I was checking my +horses at the moment, when my beau, who had fallen behind, suddenly +passed me. He gave them a triumphant smack with his whip, and the +high-mettled animals sprang forward with a vigour that baffled my +opposition: At this moment a decent-looking woman, in standing aside to +let me pass, unfortunately threw herself into the line of his course; +and I felt the horror which I deserved to feel, when my companions, each +bounding over her, left her lying senseless within a step of the +destruction which I had lost the power to avert. + +From the guilt of murder I was saved by the fortitude of a stranger. He +boldly seized the rein; and, with British strength of arm turning the +horses short round, they reared, backed, and in an instant overturned +the carriage. The stranger, alarmed by this consequence of his +interference, hastened to extricate Miss Mortimer and myself; while our +jockeys, too intent on the race to look back, were already out of sight. + +Miss Mortimer looked pale as death, and trembled exceedingly; yet the +moment she was at liberty she flew to the poor woman, whom the stranger +raised from the ground. They chafed her temples, and administered every +little remedy which they could command, while I stood gazing on her in +inactive alarm. At length she opened her eyes; and so heavy a weight was +lifted from my heart, that I could not refrain from bursting into tears; +but unwilling to exhibit these marks of a reproving conscience, I turned +proudly away. + +It soon appeared that the woman was not materially hurt,--the horses, +more sagacious and humane than their riders, having cleared without +striking her. Her cottage was not fifty yards distant from the spot, and +Miss Mortimer, with the stranger, conducted her home; whilst I stood +biting my glove, and affecting to superintend the people who were +raising our overturned vehicle. The charitable pair soon returned. +Neither of us being inclined to mount the curricle again, Miss Mortimer +proposed that we should walk home, and send an apology to our party. But +dreading that the temptation of an evening's _tête-à-tête_ might draw +something like a lecture from Miss Mortimer, I determined to accomplish +my visit; and she consented that we should proceed on foot, giving, at +the same time, permission to her companion to attend us. + +I felt a sullen disinclination to talk, and therefore had full leisure +to examine the stranger, whom Miss Mortimer introduced to me by the name +of Maitland, adding that he was her old acquaintance. He was a tall, +erect man, of a figure more athletic than graceful. His features were +tolerably regular, and his eyes the brightest I have ever seen; but he +was deprived of his pretensions to be called handsome, by a certain +_bony_ squareness of countenance, which we on the south side of the +Tweed are accustomed to account a national deformity. His smile was +uncommonly pleasing, either from its contrast with the ordinary cast of +his countenance, or because it displayed the whitest and most regular +teeth in the world; but he smiled so seldom as almost to forfeit these +advantages. His accent was certainly provincial; yet I believe that, +without the assistance of his name, I could not decidedly have +pronounced him to be a Scotchman. His language, however, was that of a +gentleman; always correct, often forcible, and sometimes elegant. But he +spoke little, and his conversation borrowed neither strength nor grace +from his manner, which was singularly calm, motionless, and +unimpassioned. + +Either from habitual reserve with strangers, or from particular +disapprobation of me, he addressed himself almost entirely to Miss +Mortimer, paying me no other attentions than bare civility required; and +I, who had already begun to expect far other devoirs, from every man who +accosted me, rejoiced when the conclusion of our walk separated us from +the presumptuous being who had dared to treat me as a secondary person. + +As soon as we entered Mr Vancouver's house, my young companions +surrounded me, laughing and hallooing,--'Beaten, beaten,--fairly +beaten!' The victors pressed forward before the rest. 'Down with your +five guineas, Ellen,' cried Miss Arnold.--'Oh! faith 'twas a hollow +thing!' shouted the other. Real sorrow for my fault would have made me +gentle to those of my fellow-transgressors; but the shame of a proud +heart had a contrary effect.--'Take your five guineas,' said I, throwing +them my purse with great disdain, 'and you had better help yourself to a +little more--_that_ will scarcely repay the risk of being tried for +murder.' My ill-humour effected an instantaneous change on the +countenances of the group. Miss Arnold, quite crest-fallen, picked up +the purse, and stood twisting it in her hand, looking very silly, while +she tried to excuse herself, and to throw all the blame upon her +companion. He retorted, and their mutual recriminations were +occasionally renewed during the afternoon; banishing whatever good +humour had been spared by the disappointment which Miss Mortimer had +undesignedly occasioned. At last, to our mutual satisfaction, the party +separated; and Miss Mortimer, with her hopeful charge, returned home. + +Never, during the whole day, did a syllable of reproof escape the lips +of Miss Mortimer. She seemed willing to leave me to my conscience, and +confident that its sentence would be just. But when, on retiring for the +night, I could not help exclaiming, 'Thank heaven! this day is +done!'--she took my hand, and said, with a look of great kindness, 'Let +me dispose of one hour of your time to-morrow, dear Ellen, and I will +endeavour to make it pass more agreeably.' I felt no real gratitude for +her forbearance, because I had argued myself, with Miss Arnold's +assistance, into a conviction that Miss Mortimer had no right to +interfere; but I could not withstand the soothing gentleness of her +manner, and therefore promised that I should be at her command at any +hour she pleased. + +Next day, therefore, while Miss Arnold was shopping in town, I became +the companion of Miss Mortimer's morning walk; but I own, I began to +repent of my complaisance, when I perceived that she was conducting me +to the cottage of the poor woman who had so nearly been the victim of my +late frolic. 'Is this,' thought I, 'the way that Miss Elizabeth fulfils +her promise of making the hour pass agreeably? Such a finesse might do +mighty well for a methodist; but what would she have said, had I been +the author of it? It is wonderfully delightful to detect the errors of a +saint. On first discovering our destination, my feelings had wavered +between shame and anger; but the detection of Miss Mortimer's supposed +peccadillo restored me to so much self-complacency, that I was able at +least to conceal my reluctance, and entered the cottage with a pretty +good grace. + +The apartment was clean and comfortable. The furniture, though simple, +was rather more abundant and more tasteful than is common in the abodes +of labour. Two neat shelves on the wall contained a few books; and in +the window stood a tambouring frame. On one side of the fire-place our +old woman was busy at her spinning-wheel; on the other, in all the ease +of a favourite, lay a beautiful Italian greyhound. Miss Mortimer, with +the frankness of old acquaintance, accosted our hostess, who received +her with respectful kindness. While they were asking and answering +questions of courtesy and good-will, the dog, who had started up on our +entrance, did the honours to me. He looked up in my face, smelled my +clothes, examined me again, and, wagging his tail, seemed to claim +acquaintance. I, too, thought I remembered the animal, though I could +not recollect where I had seen him; and I own, I was glad to relieve a +certain embarrassment which the old woman's presence occasioned me, by +returning his caresses with interest. + +'Mrs Wells,' said Miss Mortimer, when she had finished her enquiries, 'I +have brought Miss Percy to visit you.' + +In spite of my affected nonchalance, I was not a little relieved when I +discovered, by the old woman's answer, that she had not recognised me as +the author of her accident. 'Miss Ellen!' she exclaimed, as if with +surprise and pleasure. Then taking my hand with a sort of obsequious +affection, she said, 'Dear young lady, I should never have known you +again, you are so grown! and I have never seen you since I lost my best +friend,' added she, shaking her head mournfully. 'Poor Fido,' resumed +she, 'he has more sagacity. He knew you again in a minute.' + +'Fido, mamma's Fido!' cried I, and I stooped over the animal to hide the +tears that were rushing to my eyes. + +'Yes, miss, your papa sent him here, because he said he did not like to +have him killed, being that he was but a young thing, and the very last +thing that worthy Mrs Percy had ever taken a liking to; and he could not +keep him about the house, because you never set eyes on him but you +cried fit to break your heart. So he sent him here, where he was very +welcome, as he had a good right to be, having belonged to her; for it +was owing to her that I had a home to bring him to.' + +'How was that?' enquired I, with some eagerness; for, to this day, my +heart beats warm when I hear the praises of my mother. + +'Why, ma'am,' returned she, 'my husband was a sober, industrious man, +but we were unfortunate in working for great people, who never thought +of our wants, because they had no wants of their own. So we became +bankrupt, and that went to my husband's heart; for he had a high spirit. +So he pined and pined away. I sold our little furniture, and then our +clothes; and paid for all honestly, as far as it would go. But what with +the doctors and what with the funeral, my two poor little girls and I +were quite destitute. I believe it was the second night after my Thomas +was laid in his grave, that my youngest girl was crying for bread, and I +had none to give her. I saw the eldest cry too; but she said it was not +for hunger. So, with one thing and another, I was desperate, and told +the children I would go and beg for them. The little one bid me go, for +she was hungry; but Sally said I should never beg for her, and followed +me to the door, holding me back, and crying bitterly. So, just then, +Providence sent that good spirit, Mrs Percy, by our house, and she +looked so earnestly at us--for it was not in her nature to see any +creature in sorrow, and pass by on the other side:--I thought I could +take courage to speak to her; but, when I tried it, I had not the heart; +for I had never begged before. But when she saw how things were, I did +not need to beg; for she had the heart of a Christian, and the hand of a +princess. She put us into this house, and gave us whatever was really +needful for us. I was a good worker with my needle then, though my eyes +are failing me now; and she got me as much work as I could overtake. She +came, besides, every forenoon herself, and taught my eldest girl to make +gowns, and my youngest to tambour, so that now they can earn their own +bread, and the most part of mine. Yes, Miss Ellen,' continued the woman, +perceiving that she had fixed my pleased attention, 'your worthy mother +did more than this; she brought heavenly hopes to me when I had few +hopes upon earth; she gave pious counsels to my children, and they +minded them the more for coming from so great a lady; so that they are +good girls, and a real comfort to my old age.' + +After some further conversation, Miss Mortimer put an end to our visit. +I own I was somewhat struck with the contrast between the cottager's +obligations to my mother and to myself; and I had a desire to place this +matter on a footing less painful to my feelings, or, to speak more +justly, less galling to my pride. For this reason, when we had gone a +few steps from the cottage, I returned, pretending that I had forgotten +my handkerchief. 'Mrs Wells,' said I, 'I have a great desire to possess +Fido,--will you make an exchange with me?' continued I, presenting my +purse to her. + +The good woman coloured deeply; and, drawing back with a little air of +stateliness, said, 'You are welcome to poor Fido, ma'am. Indeed, as for +that, your mother's child is welcome to the best I have; but I cannot +think of selling the poor dumb animal. No,' said she, her spirit +struggling with the sob that was rising in her throat, 'I shall be +poorly off indeed, before I sell the least thing that ever was hers.' + +I own, I felt myself colour in my turn, as I awkwardly withdrew my +purse; and I had not the confidence to look the woman in the face, while +I said, 'Give me poor Fido, then, for my mother's sake; and perhaps the +time may come when you will allow me the pleasure of assisting you for +my own.' + +'One of the girls, ma'am, shall take him to the Park this evening. I +know Miss Mortimer wished to have him, but you have the best right to +him; and I hope you will make him be kindly treated, ma'am; he is used +to kindness.' + +I thanked the good woman, promised attention to her favourite, and +hurried away. Fido arrived at the Park that afternoon, and soon became +the most formidable rival of Miss Arnold; nor unjustly, for he was +playful, fawning, and seemingly affectionate,--the very qualities to +which she owed my favour. + +'See, my dear Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, when I rejoined her, 'see how +your mother's mornings were spent.' Had any one but my mother furnished +the subject of this apostrophe; or had my friend Miss Arnold been +present to witness its application, I should certainly have turned it +off, by ridiculing the absurdity of a handsome woman of fashion spending +her time in teaching cottage girls mantua-making and morality. But now, +tenderness stealing on my self-reproach, I only answered with a sigh, +'Ah! my mother was an angel; I must not pretend to resemble her.' + +'My dearest child!' cried Miss Mortimer, catching my hand with more +animation than she had ever shown in speaking to me, 'why this ill-timed +humility? Born to such splendid advantages, why should you not aspire to +make your life a practical thanksgiving to the bestower? I acknowledge, +that your own strength is not "sufficient for these things," but He who +has called you to be perfect, will----' + +'Oh! pray now, my good Miss Mortimer,' interrupted I, 'give over for +to-day,--I am more than half melancholy already. Ten or a dozen years +hence, I shall attend to all these matters.' + +Before my reader comment on the wisdom of this reply, let him examine, +whether there be any more weight in the reasons which delay his own +endeavours after Christian perfection. + +Our dialogue was interrupted by the appearance of Mr Maitland, who +alighted at the wicket of the cottage garden, with the intention of +enquiring after the widow; but, upon hearing that she felt no bad +effects from her accident, he gave his horse to his servant, and +accompanied us, or rather Miss Mortimer, to the Park. A few civil +enquiries were indeed, the only notice which he deigned to bestow upon +me; and, to own the truth, I was not at all more gracious to him. + +At the door of Sedly Park, stood my father as usual with one arm resting +in the hollow of his back, the other supported by his gold-headed cane; +and he not only discomposed this favourite attitude by offering his hand +to Mr Maitland, but advanced some steps to meet him, a mark of regard +which I do not recollect having seen him bestow on any other visiter. He +followed up this courtesy, by pressing his guest to dine with him, and +Mr Maitland was at length induced to comply; while I stood wondering +what my father could mean, by expending so much civility upon a person +of whom nobody had ever heard before. + +I cannot pretend to have made any observations upon Mr Maitland's +manners or conversation during this visit, having previously convinced +myself, that neither was worth observing. After dinner, while he +discoursed with my father and Miss Mortimer, I, agreeably to the polite +practice of many young ladies, formed, apart with Miss Arnold and the +young Vancouvers, a coterie which, if not the most entertaining, was at +least the most noisy part of the company; the sound and form holding due +proportion to the shallowness. My father made some ineffectual attempts +to reduce us to order; and Miss Mortimer endeavoured to dissolve our +combination, by addressing her remarks to me; but I, scarcely answering +her, continued to talk and titter apart with my companions till it was +time for our visiters to depart. + +As soon as they were gone, my father strode gravely to the upper end of +the room, planted himself firmly with his back to the fire, and, +knitting his brows, addressed me as I stood at the further +window;--'Miss Percy,' said he 'I do not approve of your behaviour this +afternoon. I have placed you at the head of a splendid establishment, +and I desire you will consider it as your duty to entertain my +guests,--all my guests, Miss Percy.' + +A few moments of dead silence followed, and my father quitted the room. + +Had this well-deserved reproof been given in private, I might have +acknowledged its justice, but Miss Mortimer and my friend were present +to stimulate my abhorrence of blame; and, as soon as my father +disappeared, I began a surly complaint of his ill humour, wondering +'whether he expected me to sit starched by the side of every tiresome +old fellow he brought to his house, like the wooden cuts of William and +Mary.' + +Miss Arnold joined me in ridiculing the absurdity of such an +expectation; but Miss Mortimer took part with my father. 'Indeed, my +dear,' said she, 'you must allow me to say, that Mr Percy's guests, of +whatever age, have an equal right to your attentions. I particularly +wish you had distributed them more impartially to-day; for I would have +had you appear with advantage to Mr Maitland, whom I imagine you would +not have found tiresome and who is certainly not very old.' + +'Appear with advantage to Mr Maitland!' exclaimed I:--'oh! now the +murder is out. My father and Miss Mortimer want me to make a conquest of +Stiffy.' + +Miss Arnold laughed immoderately at the idea. 'You make a conquest of Mr +Maitland!' repeated Miss Mortimer in her turn, gazing in my face with +grave simplicity; 'no, my dear, that, indeed, surpasses my expectation. +Mr Maitland!' exclaimed she again, in a sort of smiling soliloquy over +her knitting;--'no, that would indeed be too absurd.' + +I own my pride was piqued by this opinion of Miss Mortimer's; and I felt +some inclination to convince her, that there was no such violent +absurdity in expecting that a stiff old bachelor should be caught by a +handsome heiress of seventeen. I half determined to institute a +flirtation. + +The idea was too amusing to be abandoned, and Mr Maitland soon gave me +an opportunity of commencing my operations. He again visited Sedly Park; +and, in spite of several repulses, I contrived to draw him into +conversation; and even succeeded in obtaining my full share of his +attention. But when he rose to be gone, I recollected with surprise, +that I had spent half an hour without talking much nonsense, or hearing +any. Our second interview was not more effective. At the end of the +third I renounced my attack as utterly hopeless; and should as soon have +thought of shaping a dangler out of Cincinnatus. Mr Maitland's heart, +too, seemed as impregnable as his dignity; and I was glad to forget that +I had ever formed so desperate a project as an attempt upon either. + +Our acquaintance, however, continued to make some progress; and if at +any luckless hour I happened to be deserted by more animating +companions, I could pass the time very tolerably with Mr Maitland. I +believe he was a scholar, and to this perhaps he owed that force and +variety of language which was often amusing, independently of the +sentiment which it conveyed. He possessed, besides, a certain dry +sententious humour, of which the effect was heightened by the inflexible +gravity of his countenance, and by the low tones of a voice altogether +unambitious of emphasis. His stiffness, which was too gentle for +hauteur, and too self-possessed for bashfulness, was a constitutional or +rather, perhaps, a national reserve; which made some amends for its +repulsive effect upon strangers, by gratifying the vanity of those who +were able to overcome it. I own that I was selfish enough to be +flattered by the distinction which he appeared to make between Miss +Arnold and myself; the more so, because there was, I know not what, in +Mr Maitland, which impressed me with the idea of a sturdy rectitude that +bowed to no extrinsic advantage. This gratification, however, was +balanced by the preference which he constantly showed for Miss Mortimer; +and such was my craving for adulation, that I was at times absolutely +nettled by this preference, although Mr Maitland was some years above +thirty. + +Towards the end of our stay at Sedly Park, his visits became more +frequent; but in spite of his company, and that of many other gentlemen +more agreeable to me, I was dying with impatience for our removal to +town. My eagerness increased, when I accidentally heard, that Lady Maria +de Burgh had already started as the reigning beauty of the winter. When +this intelligence was conveyed to me, I was standing opposite to a large +mirror. I glanced towards it, recalled with some contempt the miniature +charms of my fairy competitor, and sprung away to entreat that my father +would immediately remove to town. But my father had already fixed the +fourteenth of January for his removal; and Miss Arnold alleged, that +nothing short of a fire would have hastened his departure, or reduced +him to the degradation of acquainting the family that he had changed his +mind. + +The fourteenth of January, however, at length arrived, and I was +permitted to enter the scene of my imaginary triumphs. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + _Next in the daunce followit invy, + Fild full of feid and fellony, + Hid malice and dispyte. + For pryvie haterit that traitour trymlit; + Him followit mony freik dissymlit, + With fenyeit wordes quhyte; + And flattereris into menis facis, + And back-bytaris in secreit placis, + To ley that had delyte; + With rownaris of fals lesingis; + Allace! that courtis of noble kingis, + Of thame can nevir be quyte._ + + Dunbar (Daunce.) + + +The Countess of ----'s ball was fixed upon as the occasion of my first +appearance. What meditation did it not cost me, to decide upon the style +of my costume for that eventful evening! How did my preference fluctuate +between the gorgeous and the simple, the airy and the magnificent! The +balance was cast in favour of the latter, by the possession of my +mother's jewels; which my father ordered to be reset for me, with superb +additions. 'He could afford it,' he said, 'as well as Lady ---- or any +of her company, and he saw no reason why I should not be as fine as the +proudest of them.' My heart bounded with delight, when I at last saw the +brilliants flash in my dark hair, mark the contour of my neck, and +circle a waist slender as the form of a sylph. All that flattery had +told, and vanity believed, seemed now to gain confirmation; yet, still +some doubts allayed my self-conceit, till it received its consummation +from the cold, the stately Mr Maitland. I overheard Miss Arnold whisper +to him, as I entered the drawing-room where he and a large party were +waiting to escort me, 'look what lovely diamonds Mr Percy has given +Ellen.'--'They would have been better bestowed elsewhere,' returned Mr +Maitland; 'nobody that looks at Miss Percy will observe them.' + +Though certain that this compliment was not meant for my ear, I had the +hardihood to acknowledge it, by saying, 'Thank you, sir; I shall put +that into my memorandum-book, and preserve it like a Queen Anne's +farthing, not much worth in itself, but precious, because she never made +but one.' + +'The farthing was never meant for circulation,' returned he dryly; 'but +it unluckily fell into the hands of a child, who could not keep it to +herself.' + +The word 'child' was particularly offensive on this first night of my +womanhood; and, in the intoxication of my spirits, I should have made +some very impertinent rejoinder, if I had not been prevented by Miss +Mortimer. 'What, Ellen!' said she, 'quarrelling with Mr Maitland for +compliments! Is it not enough to satisfy you, that he who is so seldom +seen in places of that sort accompanies you to the ball to-night?' + +'Oh! pray,' returned I, 'since Mr Maitland has so few _bienséances_ to +spare, allow him to dispose of them as he pleases. His attendance +to-night is meant as a compliment to my father.' + +'Do not make me pay a whole evening's comfort for what is only a +farthing's worth, you know,' said Maitland good-humouredly; 'but leave +off trying to be disagreeable and witty. Nay, do not frown now; your +face will not have time to recover itself. I see the carriage is at the +door.' + +I did not wait for a second intimation, but bounded down stairs, and I +was already seated in the barouche, with Miss Arnold before my +deliberate beau made his appearance. I was too full of expectation to +talk; and we had proceeded for some time in silence, when I was awakened +from a dream of triumph by Mr Maitland's saying, and, as I thought, with +a sigh, 'What a pleasing woman is Miss Mortimer! That feminine +simplicity and sweetness make the merest commonplace delightful!' + +I suppose it was my vanity grasping at a monopoly of praise which made +me feel myself teazed by this encomium; and I pettishly answered, 'That +it was a pity Miss Mortimer did not hear this compliment, for she might +keep it to herself, since she at least was no _child_.' + +'Within these few years,' said Mr Maitland, 'she was a very enchanting +woman.' + +'Indeed!' exclaimed I, more and more out of humour at the unusual warmth +of his expressions, 'Miss Mortimer has no wit, and she has never been +pretty.' + +'True,' returned Mr Maitland, 'but I dislike wits. I am not even fond of +beauties. It is in bad taste for a woman to "flash on the startled eye." +Miss Mortimer did not burst on us like a meteor,--she stole on us like +the dawn, cheering and delightful, not dazzling.' + +This speech seemed so manifest an attack upon me who dealt with a +certain fearless repartee that passed for wit, and who was already a +beauty by profession, that my eyes filled with tears of mortification. +Of what use is beauty, thought I, if it be thus despised by men of +sense, and draw the gaze only of silly boys? Yet men of sense have felt +its power; and when people have, like Mr Maitland, outlived human +feelings, they should leave the world, and not stay to damp the +pleasures of the young and the happy. + +The next moment, however, sparkling eyes and skins of alabaster +recovered their full value in my estimation, when, as we pressed into +Lady ----'s crowded rooms, a hundred whispers met my ear of +'Lovely!'--'Charming!' and 'Devilish handsome!' My buoyant spirits rose +again, and I looked up to take a triumphant survey of my admirers. Yet, +when I met the universal gaze which was attracted by the splendour of my +dress, or the novelty of my appearance, nature for a moment stirred in +me; and though I had indignantly turned from Mr Maitland, and accepted +the devoirs of a more obsequious attendant, I now instinctively caught +his arm, and shrunk awkwardly behind him. + +I quickly, however, recovered my self-possession, and began to enjoy the +gaiety of the scene. Not so my companion; who seemed miserably out of +place at a ball, and whose manner appeared even more grave and repulsive +than usual. I shall never forget the solemn abstracted air with which he +sat silently gazing on a chandelier; and then suddenly interrupting my +conversation with a half a dozen beaux, resumed the discussion of a +plan, to which I had listened with interest a few days before, for +bettering the condition of the negroes upon his plantations. But my +attention was at once withdrawn from his discourse, and from the titter +which it occasioned, when a sudden movement opening the circle which +surrounded me, gave to my view the figure of Lady Maria de Burgh. + +Never had she looked so lovely. Her Ariel-like form was flying through +the dance; her blue eyes sparkling with pleasure; exercise flushing her +snowy skin with the hues of life and health. I observed the graceful +fall of her white drapery, the unadorned braids of her sunny hair, and +distrusted the taste which had loaded me with ornament. + +The dance ended; and Lady Maria was going to throw herself upon a seat, +when it was suddenly taken possession of by a young man, who withdrew my +attention even from Lady Maria. The easy rudeness of this action, his +dress, his manner, his whole air, announced him to be of the first +fashion. He languidly extended a limb of the most perfect symmetry, +viewed it attentively in every direction, drew his fingers through his +elegantly dishevelled hair; then, composing himself into an attitude of +rest, began to examine the company, through an eye-glass set with +brilliants. Lady Maria having, with some difficulty, wedged herself into +a place by his side, was beginning to address him, but he turned from +her with the most fashionable yawn imaginable. Presently his eyes were +directed, or rather fell upon me; and I felt myself inclined to excuse +the plebeian vivacity, with which he instantly pointed me out to his +fair companion, seeming to enquire who I was. Her Ladyship looked, and a +toss of her head seemed to indicate that her reply was not very +favourable. An altercation then appeared to ensue; for the gentleman +rising offered the lady his hand, as if to lead her forward; the lady +frowned, pouted, flounced, and at last, with a very cloudy aspect, rose +and suffered him to conduct her towards me. Scarcely relaxing her pretty +features, she addressed me with a few words of very stately recognition; +introduced me to her brother, Lord Frederick de Burgh; and then turned +away. Miss Arnold claimed her acquaintance by a humble courtesy. Her +Ladyship, looking her full in the face, passed, 'and gave no sign.' I +was instantly possessed with the spirit of patronage; and though I had +before forgotten that Miss Arnold was in the room, I now gave her my +arm, and all the attention which I could spare from Lord Frederick de +Burgh. + +For a man of fashion, Lord Frederick was tolerably amusing. He knew the +name, and a little of the private history, of every person in the room. +He flattered with considerable industry; and it was not difficult to +flatter him in return. He asked me to dance. I was engaged for the three +next dances; but disappointed one of my partners that I might sit with +Lord Frederick. His Lordship next proposed that I should waltz with him. +So much native feeling yet remained in me that I shrunk from making such +an exhibition, and at first positively refused; but, happening to +observe that Lady Maria was watching, with an eye of jealous +displeasure, her brother's attentions to me, I could not resist the +temptation of provoking her, by exhibiting these attentions to the whole +assembly; and therefore consented to dance the waltz. + +I own that I bitterly repented this compliance when I found myself +standing with Lord Frederick alone, in the midst of the circle which was +instantly formed round us. I forgot even the possibility of the +admiration of which I had before been so secure. My knees knocked +together, and a mist swam before my eyes. But there was now no retreat, +and the dance began. My feelings of disquiet, however, did not rise to +their height till, towards the close of the dance, I met the eye of Mr +Maitland fixed on me in stern disapprobation. I have never yet met with +any person whose displeasure was so disagreeably awful as that of Mr +Maitland. At that moment it was more than I could bear. Hastily +concluding the dance, I darted through the crowd of spectators, +regardless of their praise or censure; and, faint and unhappy, I sunk +upon a seat. + +I was instantly surrounded by persons who offered me every sort of +assistance and refreshment. Lord Frederick was particularly assiduous. +But I owed the recovery of my spirits chiefly to the sarcastic smile +with which I was eyed by Lady Maria de Burgh, whom I overheard say, with +a scornful glance at the gentlemen who crowded round me, 'Really the +trick takes admirably!' Mr Maitland now making his way towards me, said +very coldly, 'Miss Percy, if you are inclined to go home, I shall attend +you.' I was provoked at his unconcern for an uneasiness of which he had +been the chief cause; and carelessly answering that I should not go home +for an hour or two, accepted Lord Frederick's arm, and sauntered round +the room. + +During the rest of the evening, I paid no further attention to my +father's friend. Once or twice I thought of him, and with an indistinct +feeling of self-reproach; but I was occupied with the assiduities of my +new admirer, and had no leisure to consider of propriety. I saw, too, or +fancied that I saw, Lady Maria make some attempts to detach her brother +from me, and I had therefore double enjoyment in detaining him by my +side. Though she affected indifference, I could easily see that she +continued to watch us; and as often as I perceived her eye turned +towards us, I laughed, flirted, and redoubled the demonstrations of our +mutual good understanding. About five in the morning the party +separated; and I, more worn out by the affectation, than exhilarated by +the reality of merriment, returned home. Lord Frederick attended me to +my carriage; and Mr Maitland having handed in Miss Arnold, bowed without +speaking, and retired. + +Some very excellent and judicious persons maintain a custom of calling +to mind every night the transactions of the day; but even if the habit +of self-examination had at all entered into my system, this was +manifestly no season for its exercise. Completely exhausted, I dropped +asleep even while my poor weary maid was undressing me; and closed a day +of folly, pride, and enmity, without one serious, one repentant thought. + +But why do I particularise one day? My whole course of life was aptly +described in a short dialogue with Mr Maitland. 'Miss Percy,' said he, +'I hope you are not the worse for the fatigues of last night.'--'Not in +the least, sir.'--'Well, then, are you any thing the better for them? Do +you look back on your amusement with pleasure?'--'No, I must confess, I +do not. Besides, I have not leisure to look back, I am so busily looking +forward to this evening's opera.' + +Mr Maitland, sighing from the very bottom of his heart, gave me a look +which said, as intelligibly as a look could speak, 'Unfortunate, +misguided girl!' We were alone; and I was half inclined to bid him give +utterance to his sentiments, and tell me all the follies which, in his +secret soul, he ascribed to me. Pride was struggling with my respect for +his opinion, when Lord Frederick de Burgh was admitted; and the voice of +candour, and of common sense, was never again allowed to mingle discord +with the sounds of the 'harp and the viol.' + +I had entered the throng who were in chase of pleasure, and I was not +formed for a languid pursuit. It became the employment of every day, of +every hour. My mornings were spent at auctions, exhibitions, and +milliners' shops; my evenings wherever fashionable folly held her court. +Miss Mortimer attempted gently to stem the torrent. She endeavoured to +remove my temptation to seek amusement abroad, by providing it for me at +home; but I had drunk of the inebriating cup, and the temperate draught +was become tasteless to me. She tried to convince my reason; but reason +was in a deep sleep, and stirred no further than to repulse the hand +which would have roused. She attempted to persuade me; and I, to escape +the subject, told her, that when I had fulfilled the engagements which +were to occupy every moment of my time for the six succeeding weeks, I +would, on some rainy Sunday, stay at home all day, and patiently swallow +my whole dose of lecture at a sitting. I look back with astonishment +upon her patient endurance of my impertinences. But she saw my follies +with the pity of a superior nature; aware, indeed, of the tremendous +difference between her state and mine, yet remembering who it was that +had 'made her to differ.' + +Finding her own efforts fruitless, she endeavoured to obtain my father's +interposition. But my father considered all human kind as divided into +two classes, those who were to labour for riches, and those who were to +enjoy them; and he saw no reason for restricting me in the use of any +pleasure for which I could afford to pay. Besides, he secretly regarded +with some contempt the confined notions of Miss Mortimer, and was not +without his share of elation in the triumphs which I won. He delighted +to read, in the Morning Chronicle, that at Lady G----'s ball, the +brilliancy of Miss Percy's jewels had never been surpassed, save by the +eyes of the lovely wearer. He chuckled over the paragraph which +announced my approaching nuptials with the young Duke of ----, although +he, at the same time, declared with an oath, that 'he would take care +how he gave his daughter and his money to a fellow who might be ashamed +of his father-in-law.' Indeed he took great pleasure in bringing my +suitors, especially those of noble birth, to the point of explicit +proposal, and then overwhelming them with a tremendous preponderance of +settlement. He rejected, in this way, some unexceptionable offers; for +my splendid prospects outweighed all my folly and extravagance. I left +these matters entirely to his arrangement, for I had neither wish nor +love that did not centre in amusement. I sometimes wondered, however, +what were his intentions in regard of me, and more than half suspected +that they pointed towards Mr Maitland; but I never recollected Mr +Maitland's manner towards me, without laughing at the absurdity of such +a scheme. + +In the mean time, along with a few sober suitors, I attracted danglers +innumerable; for I was the fashion; admired by fashionable men; envied +by fashionable women; and, of course, raved of by their humbler mimics +of both sexes. Each had his passing hour of influence, but the lord of +the ascendant was Lord Frederick de Burgh. He was handsome, showy, +extravagant, and even more the fashion than myself. He danced well, +drove four-in-hand, and was a very Oedipus in expounding anagrams and +conundrums. Yet it was not to these advantages alone that he owed my +preference. These might have won for him the smiles which he shared with +fifty others; but he was indebted for my peculiar grace to his +relationship with Lady Maria. + +The mutual dislike of this lady and myself had been confirmed by seven +years interchange of impertinences; nor was it in the least degree +mitigated by the new circumstances in which we were placed. The leader +of fashion, for the winter, was nearly related to the De Burgh family, +and she had perhaps a stronger connection with me--she owed my father +12,000_l._ Thus she naturally became the chaperon, both to Lady Maria +and myself; and we often met in circles where a person of my rank is +usually considered as an intruder. Lady Maria, proud of an ancient +family, resented this intrusion, the more, perhaps, because I trespassed +upon rights, still dearer than the privileges of rank. I, too proud +myself to tolerate pride in another, lost no opportunity of retort; and +my ingenuity in discovering these occasions was probably heightened by +the necessity of improving them with due regard to the rules of +politeness. Our mutual acquaintance, accustomed to witness genteel +indications of hatred, soon learnt to please, by gentle sarcasms against +an absent rival; and we were never without some good-natured friend, who +could hint to each whatever debt she owed to the malice of the other. I +know not how Lady Maria might feel; but I was alternately pleased with +these sacrifices to my malevolence, and mortified by perceiving, that it +was visible to every common observer. I attempted to conceal what I was +ashamed to avow; but the arrogance and irascibility, still more than the +natural openness of my temper, unfitted me for caution; and between the +fear of exposing my rancour, and my eagerness to give it vent,--between +my quick sensibility to civil scorn, and my impatience to repay it in +kind,--I endured more pain than it would have cost me to banish from my +breast every vindictive thought. + +How does one disorderly passion place us at the mercy of every creature +who will use it as a tool to serve his purpose! Even my maid endeavoured +to make her peace after the destruction of a favourite cap, by telling +me that she had quitted Lady Maria's service for mine, because she had +no pleasure in dressing her last lady, who, she said, 'was little bigger +than a doll, and not much wiser.' Miss Arnold, who, in spite of her +obsequious endeavours to please, had one day the misfortune to offend +her capricious patroness, was restored to immediate favour, by +informing me, that 'the whole town believed Lady Maria's pretended cold +to be nothing but a fit of vexation, because her father had permitted +Lord Frederick to pay his addresses to me.' + +In spite of the belief of the 'whole town,' however, Lord Frederick was +still nothing more than a dangler; nor had I the slightest desire to +attract his more particular regards. I was even afraid that he should, +by a serious proposal, oblige me to dispense with his future attentions, +and thereby deprive me of the amusement of witnessing the frowns, and +tosses, and fidgetings, with which Lady Maria watched a flirtation +always redoubled when she was near. + +This amusement, indeed, was obtained at the expense of incurring some +animadversion. My competitors for fashion, and of course for the notice +of fashionable men, revenged themselves for my superior success by +sarcastic comments upon my supposed conquest; each obliquely +insinuating, that she might have transferred it to herself, if she could +have descended to such means as I employed. These innuendos, however, +were softened ere they reached my ear, into gentle raillery,--friendly +questions, as to the time when I was to bless Lord Frederick with my +hand,--and tender-hearted expostulations on the cruelty of delay. Miss +G---- would speak to me in the most compassionate terms, of the envy +which my conquest excited in her poor friend Miss L----; and Miss L----, +in her turn, would implore me to marry Lord Frederick, were it only to +put poor Miss G---- out of suspense. That which should have alarmed my +caution, only flattered my vanity. Instead of discountenancing the +attacks of my acquaintance by calm and steady opposition, I invited them +by feeble defence; or at best, parried them with a playfulness which +authorised their repetition. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + _Here eloquence herself might plead in vain, + Nor one of all the heartless crowd could gain. + And thou! O sweeter than the muse's song, + Affection's voice divine! with cold disdain, + Even thou art heard; while mid th' insulting throng + Thy daunted shivering form moves timidly along._ + + Mrs Tighe. + + +Marriage is like sin; if we often allow it to be presented to our view, +we learn to look without starting. I was supremely indifferent towards +Lord Frederick, and never entertained one serious thought of becoming +his wife; but I suffered myself to be rallied upon our future +connection, till the idea excited no distinct sentiment of +disapprobation; and till by degrees I forgot to make up for the +faintness of my denials, by the strength of my inward resolutions +against the match. Perhaps I should describe my case more correctly, +were I to own that I formed no plan for the future; all my serious +consideration being reserved for the comparative merits of satin and +velvet, or of an assembly and an opera. The reputation of Lord +Frederick's attentions gave me much more pleasure than the attentions +themselves; and my companions knew how to flatter me, by reminding me of +his assiduities. + +Of all my remembrancers, the most persevering, if not the most vehement, +was Miss Arnold. She had made her calculations on the increased +importance which rank might give her patroness; and, with her accustomed +shrewdness, chose the means most effectual for promoting her object. She +did not, indeed, like others of my acquaintance, rally me upon marriage; +on the contrary, she rather affected some delicacy upon that subject; +but, in Lord Frederick's absence, she made him her constant theme; and +the moment he approached, she resigned to him her place by my side. As +she had intimate access to my mind, she knew how to accommodate her +attacks to my prevailing sentiments. At first, she confined herself to +chronicling the symptoms of Lady Maria's jealousy and spite; amusing me +with pictures, half mimic, half descriptive, of the ill-concealed malice +of my foe, and instigating me to further irritation. Next, she began to +mingle her register with hints of having observed, that the sport was +becoming a serious one to Lord Frederick. I was at first little inclined +to credit a circumstance which would have added to the impropriety of my +favourite amusement; but when at last Miss Arnold's instances, and my +own exuberant vanity, convinced me of the fact, some remains of justice +and humanity prompted me to a change of conduct. + +'If Lord Frederick has really taken it into his wise head to be in love +with me,' said I to her one day when we were alone, 'I believe, Juliet, +I ought to carry the jest no farther.' + +I spoke with great gravity, for I was half afraid that she must be of my +opinion. She looked steadily in my face, as if to see whether I were in +earnest; and then burst into a hearty fit of laughter.--'Ridiculous!' +cried she: 'what! you expect him to die of it, do you? Really, my dear, +I did not think you had been so romantic.' + +I believe I blushed for appearing to over-rate a passion which my +companion considered as so frivolous; and answered carelessly, 'Oh! I +dare say he'll survive it; but one would not wilfully give uneasiness, +however trivial, you know.' + +'Bagatelle! you, who make a hundred hearts ache every day, to trouble +your conscience about one stray thing! Besides, I'll answer for it, that +the affair upon the whole will give him more pleasure than pain. How +many sighs, such as lordlings breathe, would it require to repay Lord +Frederick for that air of yours, as you turned to him last night from +young Lord Glendower!' + +'Ah! but that pleasure was a free gift, Juliet. I have no right to make +him pay for it; besides, Glendower is such a fool, that it was really a +relief to get rid of him. But, to be serious, I believe I shall effect +my retreat with the better grace, the sooner I begin it.' + +Miss Arnold was silent for a few moments, apparently pondering the +matter; then, with an air of mature reflection, said, 'Well! perhaps, +upon the whole, you may be right. Your indifference will probably cure +Lord Frederick; besides, it will be a double charity,--it will be such a +relief to Lady Maria, poor girl! I confess, Ellen, I am often sorry for +her. Did you observe what a passion she was in last night when Lord +Frederick would not quit you to dance with Lady Augusta Loftus?' + +'It was provoking to see one's brother show so little taste,' answered +I, pulling myself up, and trying to suppress a simper. 'I should have +thought I had no chance with Lady Augusta.' + +'Not, indeed,' returned Miss Arnold, with a contemptuous smile, 'if +every one judged like Lady Maria de Burgh; and estimated a woman, like a +carrot, by the length of root she had under ground! Oh! what a passion +she will be in when Lord Frederick makes his proposals, and is refused!' + +'But if I go much farther, Juliet, how can I refuse him? I can't tell +the man that I have been drawing him on merely for the purpose of +teasing his sister.' + +'Well,' returned Miss Arnold, 'after all, I believe you are right; so +just do as you please. Your father, to be sure, might easily manage that +matter,--but do as you please.' + +She knew that she might safely intrust me with this permission; secure +that, even if my resolutions were good, they would be ineffective. To +shake off the attentions of a man who has once been encouraged, requires +more firmness than usually falls to the lot of woman. Besides, Lord +Frederick had habit in his favour; and, with those who are neither +guided by reason nor principle, habit is omnipotent. Pride, too, refused +to resign the only means of repaying Lady Maria's scorn; and, in spite +of the momentary checks of conscience, the flirtation proceeded just as +before. + +While my soi-disant friend encouraged my follies, no Mentor was at hand +to repress them. My father, mingling little in the circles which I +frequented, was ignorant of the encouragement which I gave to Lord +Frederick. Miss Mortimer, ill calculated to arrest the notice of the gay +and the giddy, was almost excluded from the endless invitations which +were addressed to me. The public amusements, which consumed so much of +my time, were unsuitable to her habits, to her principles, and to the +delicacy of her health. Thus she was seldom the witness of my +indiscretions. There is, indeed, no want of people who serve all +scandalous tales as the monasteries were wont to do poor strangers, +dress them out a little, and help them on their way. But these +charitable persons care not to consign a calumny to those who will +neither welcome nor advance it; and Miss Mortimer's declared aversion to +scandal kept her ignorant of some of the real, and much of the fabulous +history of her acquaintance. Accordingly, my intimacy with Lord +Frederick had, for almost three months, excited the smiles, the envy, or +the censure of 'every body one knows,' when Miss Mortimer was surprised +into hearing a copious account of my imprudence from a lady, who +declared 'that she was quite concerned to see that lovely girl, Miss +Percy, give so much occasion for censorious tales!' Who could doubt the +kindness of that concern which led her to detail my errors to my friend, +while she delicately forbore from hinting them to myself! My entrance +happening to interrupt her narrative, I heard her say, with great +emphasis,--'So very ridiculous, that I thought it an act of +friendship----' But, seeing me, she stopped; frowned very significantly +at Miss Mortimer; and then, resuming her complacency of countenance, she +accosted me in the most affectionate manner, protesting that she +rejoiced in being so fortunate as to meet with me. 'I was just telling +Miss Mortimer,' said she, 'that I never saw you look so lovely as when +you were delighting us all with that divine concerto upon the harp last +night.' In the same style she ran on for about three minutes; then +declaring, that she always forgot how time went when she was visiting +us, she hurried away; first, however, repeating her frown to Miss +Mortimer, accompanied with a cautioning shake of the head. + +I turned towards my real friend, and observed that she was looking on me +through rising tears. We were alone, and I think I was always less +indocile, less unamiable, when there were few witnesses of my behaviour. +Touched with the affectionate concern that was painted in her face, +before I knew what I was doing, I had locked her hand in mine, and had +enquired 'what was the matter with my good friend?' + +'My dearest Ellen,' returned she, and her mild eyes filled again, 'would +you but allow me to be your friend! But I will not talk to you now. That +prating woman has discomposed me.' + +My conscience at that moment giving warning of a lecture in embryo, I +instantly recollected myself. 'Oh!' cried I, 'how can you mind what she +says? She is so prodigal of her talk, that her own stores are nothing to +her. She must depend upon the public for supply, and you know what the +proverb says of "begging and choosing." But I must be gone; I promised +to meet Lady Waller at the exhibition. Good-by.' + +My reader, especially if he be a male reader, will more easily conceive +than I can express, the abhorrence of rebuke which, at this period of my +life, was strong upon me. I believe I could with more patience have +endured a fit of cramp, than the most gentle reproof that ever +friendship administered. By Miss Arnold's help, I for some days escaped +the admonitions of Miss Mortimer, till I was unfortunately placed at her +mercy, by an indisposition which I caught in striving, for two hours, to +make my way through the Duchess of ----'s lobby on the night of a rout. +The first day of my illness, Miss Arnold was pretty constantly at my +bed-side. The second, she was obliged to dine abroad, and could not +return before two o'clock in the morning. The third, while she was gone +to the auction to buy some toy which I had intended purchasing, I +received permission to leave my chamber; and Miss Mortimer, who had +scarcely quitted me by day or night, attended me to my dressing-room. + +From mere habit, I approached my glass; but three days of illness had +destroyed its power to please. 'Bless me,' cried I, 'what shall I do? I +am not fit to be seen! And I am dying to see somebody or other. Do, +Grant, tell them to let in Mr Maitland, if he calls. It is ten to one +that he will not observe what a haggard wretch I look.' + +'I have heard,' said Miss Mortimer, 'that love-lorn damsels sigh for +solitude. I hope your inclination for company is a sign that your heart +is still safe, in spite of reports to the contrary.' She forced a smile, +yet looked in my face with such sad earnestness, as if she had wished, +but feared to read my soul. + +There is no escape now, thought I, so I must make the best of it. 'Quite +safe,' answered I; 'so safe that I scarcely know whether I have one. I +rather imagine, that in me, as in certain heroines whom I have read of +at school, a deficiency has been made on one side, on purpose that I +might wound with greater dexterity and success.' + +'I rejoice to hear you say so,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'and still more +to see by that candid countenance, that you are not deceiving yourself. +I knew that you were above deceiving me.' + +'Nay,' said I, 'I won't answer for that, if I had any thing serious to +conceal; but there is no cause for deceit. I would not give my dear Fido +here for all other animals of his sex upon earth, except my father +and----' + +'And whom?' asked Miss Mortimer. + +'I was going to say Mr Maitland,' answered I, 'because he is so good a +man; but Fido is a hundred times more affectionate and amusing.' + +Miss Mortimer now smiled without trying it. 'Mr Maitland is, indeed, a +good man,' said she; 'and if you would show him half the kindness and +attention that you do to Fido----' + +She too, left the sentence unfinished. Now, though I had not, I believe, +a thought of finding a lover in Mr Maitland, I often recollected, not +without pique, Miss Mortimer's first decision on that subject; and, with +a vague idea that she was going to recant, I said, with some quickness, +'Well, what would happen if I did?' + +'You would find him quite as amusing,' answered she. + +'Is that all?' said I, poutingly; 'then I may as well amuse myself with +Lord Frederick, who does not give me the trouble of drawing him out.' + +In my momentary pet I had started the very subject which I wished to +avoid. Miss Mortimer instantly took advantage of my inadvertence. 'A +little more caution,' said she, gravely, 'may be necessary in the one +case than in the other; for Mr Maitland, far from wilfully misleading +you, would guard the delicacy of your good name with a father's +jealousy.' + +'In what respect does Lord Frederick mislead me?' + +'Nay, I will not assert that he does; but, my dear Ellen, our +grandmothers used to warn us against the arts of men. They represented +lovers as insidious spoilers, subtle to contrive, and forward to seize +every occasion of advantage. I fear the nature of the pursuer remains +the same, though the pursuit be transferred from our persons to our +fortunes.' + +'Gorgons, and hydras, and chimeras dire!' exclaimed I; 'what a train you +have conjured up! But I can assure you, Lord Frederick is no insidious +spoiler, nor subtle, nor very bold; but a good-natured, giddy-brained +fellow, no more a match for me in cunning than I am for him at the +small-sword.' + +'Take care, Ellen. We all over-rate ourselves where we are deficient. No +part of your character is more striking than your perfect singleness of +heart.' + +'But what need is there of so much caution. I may as well marry Lord +Frederick as any body else. He wants fortune, I want rank. The bargain +would be very equitable. What objection could there be to it?' + +'None,' replied Miss Mortimer, with a deep sigh, 'provided that your +father were satisfied; and, which is, if possible, of still more +importance, provided you are sure that Lord Frederick is the man whom +your sober judgment would approve.' + +'What! would you have me marry on mere sober judgment?' + +'No, I would not go quite so far; but, at least, I would not have you +marry against your sober judgment. Much, very much, will depend upon the +character of your husband. Toys cannot always please you, Ellen; for you +have warm affections. These affections may meet with neglect, perhaps +with unkindness; and have your habits fitted you for patient endurance? +You have strong feelings; and have you learnt the blessed art of +weakening their power upon your own mind, by diverting them into less +selfish channels?' + +She spoke with such warmth as flushed her cheek with almost youthful +bloom; while I smiled at the solemnity with which she treated a subject +so far from serious; and inwardly pitied that ignorance of the world, +which could so much mistake the nature of a harmless flirtation. 'Oh!' +cried I, 'if I were to marry Lord Frederick, I should support his +neglect with great philosophy; and as for unkindness, we could provide +against that in the settlements.' + +Miss Mortimer's manner grew still more solemn. 'Answer me as gaily as +you will,' said she, 'but, by all that you value, my dearest child, I +adjure you to be serious with yourself. You have told me that you mean +one day to change your plan of life,--to put away childish things,--to +begin your education for eternity. Is Lord Frederick well fitted to be +your companion,--your assistant in this mighty work?' + +This view of the subject was far too awful for sport, far too just for +raillery, and far too grave for my taste; so I hastened to dismiss the +theme. 'Well, well, my good Miss Mortimer,' said I, 'be under no +apprehensions; I have not the slightest intention of marrying Lord +Frederick.' + +'If that be the case,' returned she, 'suffer me to ask why you encourage +his attentions.' + +'Merely for the sake of a little amusement,' answered I. + +'Ah, Ellen!' said Miss Mortimer, 'how many young women are lured on by +the same bait, till they have no honourable means of escape; and marry +without even inclination to excuse their folly or mitigate its effects! +Let the warning voice of experience----' + +The warning voice was, at that moment, silenced by the entrance of Miss +Arnold. 'Here, Ellen,' said she, 'is a packet for you, which I found in +the lobby.--What have you got there?' continued she, as I opened it. + +'A note from Lord Frederick, and two tickets to Lady St Edmunds' masked +ball.' + +'Delightful! When is it to be?' + +'On Monday, the fifth of May.' + +'Oh, we have no engagement; that is charming!' + +Miss Arnold skipped about, and seemed quite in ecstasies. Miss Mortimer, +on the contrary, looked gravely intent upon her work. Her gravity, and +the extravagance of Juliet's raptures, alike restrained my pleasure; and +I only expressed it by saying, with tolerable composure, that of all +amusements, a masked ball was the one which I most desired to see. + +'Oh! it will be enchanting!' cried Miss Arnold. 'What dresses shall we +wear, Ellen?' + +Miss Mortimer having cut a cap, which she had been shaping, into more +than fifty shreds, now leant earnestly towards me; and, timid and +faltering, as if she feared my answer, asked, 'if I would accept of Lord +Frederick's tickets?' + +'To be sure she will,' said Miss Arnold, answering for me. + +'Why should I not?' said I. + +'I hope you will at least consider the matter,' returned Miss Mortimer, +still addressing herself particularly to me. 'This sort of amusement is +regarded with suspicion by all sober-minded persons; and I own I could +wish that Miss Percy thought this a sufficient reason for refusing it +her countenance.' + +'I am sure that is a nonsensical prejudice,' cried Miss Arnold. 'At a +subscription masquerade, indeed, one might meet with low people, but at +Lady St Edmunds' there will be none but the best company in town.' + +'The best _born_ company, I suppose you mean,' answered Miss Mortimer; +'but I imagine, that the very use of masks is to banish the privileges +and the restraints of personal respectability.' + +'Nay now, my dear Miss Mortimer!' cried I, playfully laying my hand upon +her mouth, 'pray don't throw away that nice lecture; you know I never +was at a masquerade in my life, and you would not be so savage as to +prose me out of going to one! only one!' + +'If I thought there were any chance of success,' said Miss Mortimer, +smiling affectionately on me, 'I would make captives of these little +hands till I tried all my rhetoric.' + +'It would be all lost,' cried I, 'for positively I must and will go.' +Miss Mortimer's countenance fell; for she knew that in spite of the +sportiveness of my manner, I was inaccessible to conviction; she +clearly perceived, though I was unconscious of the association, that my +pride connected an idea of rebellious presumption with whatever thwarted +my inclination; and she saw that no argument was likely to find +admission, where, instead of being welcomed as an honest counsellor, it +was guarded against as an insolent mutineer. + +After a short silence, she changed her point of attack. 'If,' said she, +'your acceptance of Lord Frederick's tickets implies any obligation to +accept his particular attendance, I think, Ellen, you will see the +prudence of refusing them.' + +Recollecting our late conversation, I felt myself embarrassed, and knew +not what to answer. But my companion quickly relieved my dilemma. +'Indeed, Miss Mortimer,' said she, 'you know nothing of these matters. +Ellen cannot invite gentlemen to Lady St Edmunds' house, so it is clear +that we must allow Lord Frederick to go with us; but when we are there, +we shall soon find attendants enough.' + +'Yes,' said I, willing to satisfy Miss Mortimer; 'and when we get into +the rooms, we shall be under the Countess's protection, and may shake +off the gentlemen as soon as we choose.' + +Miss Mortimer looked more and more anxious. 'What protection can Lady St +Edmunds afford you,' said she, 'where hundreds around her have equal +claims; and left in such a place without any guard but your own +discretion?--dearest Ellen, I beseech you, return these tickets.' + +Though I was far from owning to myself that Miss Mortimer was in the +right, I could not entirely suppress the consciousness that my +resistance was wrong. The consequence was, that I grew angry with her +for making me displeased with myself, and peevishly answered, that I +would not return the tickets, nor be debarred from a harmless amusement +by any body's unfounded prejudices. + +'Call them prejudices, or what you will, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, in +a voice which I must have been a savage to resist, 'only yield to them!' + +My self-condemnation, and of course my ill-humour, were increased by her +mildness; and, forgetting all her claims to my respect, all her patient +affection, all her saint-like forbearance, I turned upon her with the +petulance of a spoiled child, and asked, 'who gave her a right to thwart +and importune me?' Tears rushed to her meek eyes. 'It was your mother! +Ellen,' cried she; 'when she bade me, in remembrance of our long and +faithful friendship, to watch and advise, and restrain her child. Will +you not give me up a few short hours of pleasure for her sake?' + +I was overpowered and burst into tears; yet tears, I must own, as much +of spleen as of tenderness. Such as they were, I was ashamed of them; +and dashing them away, snatched the tickets and enclosed them in a short +note of apology to Lord Frederick. 'Are you going to return them?' cried +Miss Arnold, looking over my shoulder at what I had written, and +speaking in a tone of the utmost surprise. 'Certainly!' said I, in a +manner so decided, that without the least attempt to oppose my design, +she sat down opposite to me, as if taking wistfully her last look of the +tickets. + +'Pull the bell, Juliet,' said I, somewhat triumphantly, as I sealed the +note. + +'Give me the note,' said Miss Arnold, 'I am going down stairs, and will +give it to a servant. It is a pity the poor creatures should have +unnecessary trouble.' She took the packet, and quitted the room. + +Miss Mortimer, the big drops still trickling down her cheek, pressed my +hand, as if she would have thanked me, had her voice been at her +command. Conscious of having made a proper sacrifice, I involuntarily +recovered my good humour; but my pride refused to let my kind friend +think her victory complete; and, releasing my hand, I turned away with +cold stateliness. + +But what am I doing? Is the world peopled with Miss Mortimers, that I +should expect its forbearance for such a character as mine?--No; but I +will endure the shame which I have merited. Detest me, reader. I was +worthy of your detestation! Throw aside, if you will, my story in +disgust. Yet remember, that indignation against vice is not of itself +virtue. Your abhorrence of pride and ingratitude is no farther genuine, +than, as it operates against your own pride, your own ingratitude. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + _Yet still thy good and amiable gifts + The sober dignity of virtue wear not._ + + Joanna Baillie. + + +As soon as Miss Arnold and I were alone, she renewed the subject of the +masked ball. 'Well, Ellen!' cried she, 'I protest, I never was so much +astonished as at your simplicity in returning those tickets. That old +woman really winds you about just as she pleases.' + +'No, I am not quite so pliant,' answered I, somewhat piqued; 'but after +the footing upon which Miss Mortimer put her request, I do not see how I +could refuse it.' + +'She has art enough to know where you are most accessible,' said Miss +Arnold, well knowing that nothing was more likely to stir the proud +spirit than a suspicion of being duped. 'It is really provoking to see +you so managed!' continued she; 'and now to have her trick us out of +this ball, where we should have been so happy! You would have looked +quite enchanting as a sultana! and your diamond plume would have been +divine in the front of your turban, and----' + +She ran on describing our dresses and characters, enlarging on the +amusement of which my ill-timed facility had deprived us, till I was +thoroughly indignant at Miss Mortimer's interference. 'I am sure,' +interrupted I, 'I wish I had not allowed myself to be wheedled over like +a great baby; but I promise you that she shan't find it so easy to +persuade me another time.' Then I proceeded to reproach my own want of +spirit; for we can all attack ourselves where we are invulnerable. 'If I +had not been the tamest creature in the world,' said I, 'I should not +have yielded the matter; but it is in vain to talk of it now.' + +'Why in vain?' cried Miss Arnold with vivacity. + +'You know,' answered I, 'that now when we have returned the tickets +nothing more can be done.' + +'What if we could still have the tickets?' said Miss Arnold. + +'Impossible!' said I; 'I would not condescend to ask them again from +Lord Frederick.' + +'But,' said Miss Arnold, throwing her arm round my neck with an +insinuating smile, 'what if I, seeing that my dearest Ellen's heart was +set upon this ball, and guessing that she would soon repent of her +saint-errantry, had slily put the tickets into my pocket, and could +produce them thus' (showing me a corner of them), 'at this very moment?' + +I was thunderstruck. In spite of eight years' intimacy, Miss Arnold had +miscalculated upon my sentiments, when she expected me to approve of +this manoeuvre. Confidence in my mother's mildness and affection had +instilled into my infant mind habits of sincerity; habits which she had +strengthened less by precept than by encouragement and example. The tint +had been infused at the fountain head, and it still coloured the stream. +A dead silence followed Miss Arnold's discovery; she, waiting to hear my +sentiments, I not caring to speak them; she looking intently in my face, +I gazing steadfastly on the tickets, without recollecting that I held +them in my hand. + +'How could we produce them to Miss Mortimer?' said I, at last, pursuing +my reflections aloud. 'She confidently believes that they are gone; and +she will think this such a piece of--' cunning, I would have said, but I +could not utter the ungracious truth to the kind creature, who had erred +purely to oblige me. 'She would be so astonished!' continued I: 'and +only this morning she praised my ingenuousness! I cannot keep these +tickets.' + +'Oh!' cried Miss Arnold, 'I am sure there is no disingenuousness on your +part. It was not you who detained the tickets. I will tell her honestly +how the matter stands. I would be chidden for a month rather than that +you should lose this ball,--you would be so happy, and so much admired!' + +'My dear, kind-hearted Juliet! you cannot suppose that I will take +advantage of your good nature! You would not have me buy my pleasure at +the expense of injuring you in any one's good opinion? No, no; were I to +keep these tickets it should be at my own hazard.' + +I think Miss Arnold blushed; and she certainly hesitated a moment before +she replied,--'I assure you I do not care a straw for her good opinion. +What signify the whims of people who think like nobody else?' + +Of all my acquaintance, Mr Maitland alone joined Miss Mortimer in +'thinking like nobody else;' and a recollection of him glanced across my +mind. The association was not over favourable to Miss Arnold's purpose. +'Some of the most sensible men in the kingdom think like Miss Mortimer,' +said I. + +'The most sensible men in the kingdom often think wrong,' returned Miss +Arnold. 'Besides, what signify their thoughts, so long as they dare not +tell us them?' + +'Some of them do dare,' said I with a sigh. + +'Come, come, Ellen,' said Juliet, 'do you keep the tickets, and I shall +willingly take the blame. Be satisfied with being afraid of the men and +the methodists yourself; you will never make me so.' + +'Afraid!' The word jarred upon my spirit. 'Afraid!' repeated I; 'I fear +no mortal! but I scorn to do what the coldest, most correct man in +England could think dishonourable. I would not be despised for all the +pleasures under heaven! I will send back these tickets this moment.' + +I turned proudly away, wholly unconscious how much the sense of honour +was indebted to the opportune remembrance of Mr Maitland, and as +confident in my own integrity as if it had already been seven times +tried in the furnace. I rang the bell; delivered, with my own hand, the +tickets to a servant; and never in my life felt more conscious of my +advantages of stature. I forgot the languor of indisposition. I walked +with the springing step of exultation. I forgave Miss Mortimer my +disappointment. I was grateful to Juliet for her kind intentions. Every +object was pleasing, for it shone with the reflected light of +self-approbation. My evening was cheerful, though comparatively lonely; +my sleep refreshing, though unbought by exercise. I could have wished +that it had been allowable to tell Miss Mortimer all my cause of +triumph; and once (such is the selfishness of pride) I entertained a +thought of boasting to her my second sacrifice to propriety; but, when I +remembered the meanness of betraying my friend to censure, the base +suggestion vanished from my mind; and again I inwardly applauded my own +rectitude, instead of blushing that such a thought could have found +entrance into my soul. + +Almost for the first time in my life I wished for Mr Maitland's +presence; probably, though I did not shape the idea to myself, in the +hope that he would confirm my self-esteem. But he came not to take +advantage of my order for excluding all visiters except himself. The +next day, however, he called; and as I was still somewhat indisposed, he +was admitted to my _boudoir_. He had not been seated many minutes, when +Miss Mortimer adverted to my late sacrifice. 'You must assist me with +your invention, Mr Maitland,' said she. 'I want to make Monday, the 5th +of May, the happiest day in the season, and as gay as is consistent with +happiness.' + +'My intention is quite at your service,' said Mr Maitland; 'but why is +the 5th of May to be so distinguished?' + +'I am deeply in Miss Percy's debt for amusement on that day; for it was +fixed for a masked ball, which she has given up at my request.' + +I stole a glance at Mr Maitland, and saw his countenance relax +pleasantly. 'I dare say,' said he, 'you owe Miss Percy nothing on that +account, for she will have more pleasure in complying with your wish +than twenty masked balls would have given her.' + +'I am not sure of that,' cried I; 'for of all things on earth, I should +like to see a masked ball.' + +'Must I then, per force, allow you some merit for relinquishing this +one?' said Mr Maitland, seating himself by my side, with such a smile of +playful kindness as he sometimes bestowed on Miss Mortimer. 'But why,' +continued he, 'should you, of all women, desire to appear in masquerade? +Come, confess that you believe you may conceal more charms than fall to +the lot of half your sex, and still defy competition.' + +'You may more charitably suppose,' returned I, 'that I am humbly +desirous to escape comparisons.' + +'Nay,' said Mr Maitland, with a smile which banished all the severity of +truth, 'that would imply too sudden a reformation. Would you have me +believe that you have conquered your besetting sin since the last time +we met?' + +'How have you the boldness,' said I, smiling, 'to talk to me of +besetting sin?' + +'As I would talk to a soldier of his scars,' said Mr Maitland. 'You +think it an honourable blemish.' + +'This is too bad!' cried I, 'not only to call me vain, but to tell me +that I pique myself on my vanity!' + +'Ay,' returned Mr Maitland, dryly, 'on your vanity, or your pride, or +your----, call it what you will.' + +'Well, pride let it be,' said I. 'Surely there is a becoming pride, +which every woman ought to have.' + +'A becoming pride!' repeated Mr Maitland; 'the phrase sounds well; now +tell me what it means.' + +'It means--it means--that is, I believe it means--that sort of dignity +which keeps your saucy sex from presuming too far.' + +'What connection is there, think you, between cautious decency,--that +peculiar endearing instinct of a woman,--and inordinate +self-estimation?' + +'Oh! I would not have my pride inordinate. I would merely have a +comfortable respect for myself and my endowments, to keep up my spirit, +that I might not be a poor domestic animal to run about tame with the +chickens, and cower with them into a corner as oft as lordly man +presented his majestic port before me!--No! I hope I shall never lose my +spirit. What should I be without it?' + +'Far be it from me to reduce you so deplorably!' said Mr Maitland; +beginning with a smile, though, before he ceased to speak, the +seriousness of strong interest stole over his countenance. 'But what if +Miss Percy, intrusted with every gift of nature and of fortune, should +remember that still they were only trusts, and should fear to abuse +them? What if, like a wise steward, instead of valuing herself upon the +extent of her charge, she should study how to render the best account of +it? What would you then be? All that your warmest friends could wish +you. You would cease to covet--perhaps to receive--the adulation of +fools; and gain, in exchange, the respect, the strong affection, of +those who can look beyond a set of features.' + +The earnestness with which Mr Maitland spoke was so opposite to the cold +composure of his general manner; his eyes, which ever seemed to +penetrate the soul, flashed with such added brightness, that mine fell +before them, and I felt the warm crimson burn on my cheek. I believe no +other man upon earth could have quelled my humour for a moment; but I +had an habitual awe of Mr Maitland, and felt myself really relieved, +when the entrance of my father excused me from replying. + +I knew, by my father's face, that he was full of an important something; +for he merely paid the customary compliment to Mr Maitland, and then +walked silently up and down the room with an air of unusual stateliness +and satisfaction. 'What has pleased you so much this morning, papa?' +enquired I. + +'Pleased, Miss Percy!' returned my father, knitting his brow, and +endeavouring to look out of humour; 'I tell you I am not pleased. I am +teased out of my life on your account by one fellow or another.' Then, +turning to Maitland, he formally apologised for troubling him with +family affairs, though I believe he was, on this occasion, not at all +sorry to have his friend for a hearer. + +'Which of them has been teasing you now, sir?' said I, carelessly. + +'The Duke of C----,' said my father, in a fretful tone, though a smile +was lurking at the corner of his mouth, 'has been here this morning to +make proposals for a match between you and his son Frederick.' + +'Well, sir,' said I, with some little interest in the issue of the +conference; but my curiosity was instantly diverted into another +channel, by a sudden and not very gentle pressure of the hand, which Mr +Maitland had still held, and which he now released. The gesture, however +inadvertent, attracted my eye towards him; but his face was averted, and +my vanity could not extract one particle of food from the careless air +with which he began to turn over the pages of a book which lay upon my +work-table. + +My father proceeded. 'His Grace proposed to settle two thousand pounds +a-year upon his son; no great matter he was forced to confess; but then +he harangued about supporting the dignity of the title, and the hardship +of burdening the representative of the family with extravagant provision +for younger children. But, to balance that, Ellen, he hinted that you +might be a Duchess; for the Marquis, like most of these sprigs of +quality, is of a very weakly constitution. Pity that ancient blood +should so often lose strength in the keeping! Eh, Ellen!' + +My father made a pause, and looked as if he expected that I should now +express some curiosity in regard to his decision, but my pride was +concerned to show my total indifference on the subject; so I sat quietly +adjusting my bracelet, without offering him the slightest encouragement +to proceed. He looked towards Maitland; but Maitland was reading most +intently. He turned to Miss Mortimer; and at last found a listener, who +was trembling with interest which she had not power to express. + +'What think you of the great man's liberality' continued my father. 'Is +not two thousand pounds a-year a mighty splendid offer for a girl like +my Ellen there, with a hundred thousand pounds down, and perhaps twice +as much more before she dies? Eh, Miss Elizabeth? Should not I be a very +sensible fellow, to bring a jackanapes into my house to marry my +daughter, and spend my money, and be obliged to me for the very coat on +his back, and all by way of doing me a great honour forsooth? No, no. +I'll never pay for having myself and my girl looked down upon. She's a +pretty girl, and a clever girl, and the d----l a De Burgh in England can +make his daughter as well worth an honest man's having: eh, Maitland?' + +'Not in your opinion and mine, undoubtedly, sir,' said Maitland, with +the air of a man who is obliged to pay a compliment. + +'I told the old gentleman my mind very distinctly,' said my father, +drawing up his head, and advancing his chest. 'I have given his grandee +pride something to digest, I warrant you. And now he is ashamed of his +repulse, and wants the whole affair kept private forsooth. I am sure it +is none of my concern to trumpet the matter. All the world knows I have +refused better offers for Miss Percy.' + +'If his Grace wishes the affair to be so private,' cried I, 'I am afraid +he won't inform his daughters of it.' + +'You of course will consider it as quite at an end,' said my father, +addressing himself to me. + +'Oh certainly, sir,' answered I; 'but how shall I get the news conveyed +to Lady Maria?' + +'Tell it to a mutual friend as a profound secret,' said Mr Maitland, +dryly. 'But why are you so anxious that Lady Maria should hear of her +brother's disappointment?' + +'Oh because it will provoke her so delightfully,' cried I. 'The +descendant of a hundred and fifty De Burghs to be rejected by a city +merchant's daughter! It will ruin her in laces and lip-salve.' + +I was so enchanted with the prospect of my rival's vexation, that it was +some moments ere I observed that Mr Maitland, actually turning pale, had +shrunk from me as far as the end of the couch would permit him, and sat +leaning his head on his hand with an air of melancholy reflection. +Presently afterwards he was rising to take his leave, when a servant +came to inform Miss Mortimer that Mrs Wells, the woman whom Mr Maitland +had rescued from the effect of my rashness, was below waiting to speak +with her. 'Stay a few minutes, Mr Maitland, and see your protegée,' said +Miss Mortimer to him, as he was bidding her good morning. He immediately +consented; while my father quitted the room, saying, 'If the woman is +come for money, Miss Mortimer, you may let me know. I always send these +people what they want, and have done with them.' + +Mrs Wells, however, was come, not in quest of money, but of a commodity +which the poor need almost as often, though they ask it less frequently. +She wanted advice. Finding that Miss Mortimer was not alone, she was at +first modestly unwilling to intrude upon the attention of the company. +But Mr Maitland, who, I believe, possessed some talisman to unlock at +his pleasure every heart but mine, engaged her by a few simple +expressions of interest to unfold the purpose of her coming. She told +us, that her eldest daughter, Sally, had for some time been courted by a +young man of decent character, and was inclined to marry him. 'The girl +must be a great fool,' thought I, 'for she can neither expect carriages +nor jewels, and what else should tempt any woman to marry?' The lover, +Mrs Wells said, could earn five-and-twenty or thirty shillings a week by +his trade, which was that of a house-carpenter. This, together with +Sally's earnings as a mantua-maker, might maintain the young couple in +tolerable comfort. But they had no house, and could not furnish one +without incurring debts which would be a severe clog on their future +industry. The young man, however, being in love, was inclined to despise +all prudential considerations; and, in spite of her mother's counsels, +had almost inspired his mistress with similar temerity. Mrs Wells +therefore begged of Miss Mortimer to fortify Sally with her advice, and +to set before her the folly of so desperate a venture. 'Thanks to your +excellent mother, Miss Percy,' said she, 'my children have forgotten +poverty; and, indeed, no one rightly knows what it is, but they who have +striven with it as I have. Any other distress one may now and then +forget; but hard creditors, and cold hungry children will not allow one +to forget them.' Her proposal was, that Miss Mortimer should prevail +with the girl to resist her lover's solicitations for a few years, till +the joint savings of the pair might amount to forty or fifty pounds, +which she said would enable them to begin the world reputably. + +'Forty or fifty pounds,' cried I; 'is that all?--Oh! if you are sure +that Sally really wants to be married, I can settle that in a minute. I +am sure I must have more than that left of my quarterly allowance.' + +'What are you talking of, Ellen?' cried Miss Arnold, who had just +entered the room. 'You are not going to give away fifty pounds at once?' + +'Why not?' answered I. 'Probably I shall not want the money; or if I do, +papa will advance my next quarter.' + +I had, I believe, at first offered my gift from a simple emotion of +good-will; but now, taught by my friend's resistance, I began to claim +some merit for my generosity; and glanced towards Mr Maitland in search +of his approving look. But Mr Maitland had no approving look to reward a +liberality which sprang from no principle, and called for no labour, +and inferred no self-denial. His eye was fixed upon me with an +expression of calm compassion, which seemed to say, 'Poor girl! have +even thy best actions no solid virtue in them?' Mrs Wells, however, had +less discrimination. The poor know not what it is to give without +generosity, for they possess nothing which can be spared without +self-denial. Tears of gratitude filled her eyes while she praised and +thanked me; but she positively refused to deprive me of such a sum. 'No, +no,' said she, 'let Robert and Sally work and save for two or three +years; and in that time they will get a habit of patience and good +management, which will be of as much use to them as money.' The +approving look which I had sought was now bestowed upon Mrs Wells. 'You +judge very wisely, Mrs Wells,' said Mr Maitland. 'But two or three years +will seem endless to them; say one year, that we may not frighten them, +and whatever they can both save in that time, I will double to them.' + +Mrs Wells thanked him, not with the servility of dependence, but with +the warmth of one whom kindness had made bold. Then turning to me, and +apologising for the liberty she took, she begged my patronage for Sally +in the way of her business. 'I assure you, ma'am,' said she, 'that Sally +works very nicely; and if she could get the name of being employed by +such as you, she would soon have her hands full.' + +I was thoroughly discomposed by this request. I could part with fifty +pounds with inconvenience, but to wear a gown not made by Mrs Beetham, +was a humiliation to which I could not possibly submit. Unwilling to +disappoint, I knew not what to answer; but Miss Arnold instantly +relieved my dilemma. 'Bless you, good woman,' cried she, 'how could Miss +Percy wear such things as your daughter would make? Before she could +have a pattern, it would be hacked about among half the low creatures in +town.' + +Mrs Wells coloured very deeply. 'I meant no offence,' said she: 'I +thought, perhaps, Miss Percy might direct Sally how she wished her gowns +to be made, and I am sure Sally would do as she was directed.' + +'Indeed, my good friend,' answered I, 'I can no more direct Sally in +making a gown, than in making a steam-engine. But I will ask employment +for her wherever I think I am likely to be successful. Come, Miss +Mortimer, I shall begin with you.' + +'Do,' said Mr Maitland, in his dry manner. 'Miss Mortimer can afford to +spare the attraction of a fashionable gown.' + +It has been since discovered, that Mr Maitland did, that very day, +provide for the accomplishment of his promise, in case that death or +accident should prevent his fulfilling it in person. Miss Mortimer +easily persuaded Sally to pursue the prudent course; and, besides, +exerted her influence so successfully, as to procure employment for +every hour of the girl's time. My profuse offer passed from my mind, +and was forgotten. But their charity,--the charity of Christians,--had +at all times little resemblance to the spurious quality which in my +breast usurped the name. Theirs was the animated virtue, instinct with +life divine!--mine, the mutilated stony image, which even if it had +been complete in all its parts, would still have wanted the living +principle. Theirs was the blessed beam of Heaven, active, constant, +universal!--mine the unprofitable, unsteady flash of the 'troubled sea, +which cannot rest.' + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + _'Her reputation?' That was like her wit, + And seemed her manner and her state to fit. + Something there was--what, none presumed to say, + Clouds lightly passing on a smiling day; + Whispers and hints which went from ear to ear, + And mixed reports no judge on earth could clear._ + + Crabbe. + + +Recovered from my indisposition, I resumed my gay career. But who ever +spent a week in retirement, without projecting some reform, however +partial, some small restraint upon desire, or some new caution in its +gratification? I determined to observe more circumspection in my conduct +towards Lord Frederick; though Miss Arnold laboured to convince me, that +our flirtation might now be carried on with more safety than ever, since +the parties were aware that it could have no serious issue. +_Tête-à-tête_ with her in my dressing-room, I could detect the fallacy +of her arguments, and refused to be misled by them. The most imprudent +being upon earth makes many a judicious resolution; and may trace his +errors less to the weakness of his judgment, than to the feebleness of +his self-command. + +The first party which I joined after my convalescence, was at a concert +and _petit souper_ which Lady G. gave to fifty-eight of her particular +friends. As soon as I entered the room, my attention was arrested by a +group, consisting of Lady Maria de Burgh, her favourite Lady Augusta +Loftus, Lord Frederick, and Lord Glendower. Lady Augusta seemed +assiduous to entertain my admirer, who, lounging against a pillar with +his eyes half shut, appeared only to study how he might answer her with +the slightest possible exertion of mind or muscle. Perceiving me, Lady +Maria touched her friend's arm, as if to direct her eye towards me; then +whispered behind her fan somewhat which seemed immoderately entertaining +to both. A rudeness which ought to have awakened only my pity, roused my +resentment, and I piously resolved to seize an early opportunity of +retort. The party continued their merriment, and I even observed Lady +Augusta endeavouring to engage Lord Frederick to join in it. This was +too much; and I resolved to show Lady Augusta that I was no such +despicable rival. But I had been accustomed to accept, not to solicit +the attentions of Lord Frederick, and I waited till he should accost me. +Lord Frederick, however, seemed entirely insensible to my presence. His +eye did not once wander towards me; indeed the assiduity of his +companion left scarcely even his eyes at liberty. Weary of watching Lady +Augusta's advances to my quondam admirer, I at last condescended to +claim his notice by passing close to him. A distant bow was the only +courtesy which I obtained. I was asked to sing, and chose an elaborate +bravura, which Lord Frederick had often declared to be divine. In the +midst of it I saw him break from his obsequious fair one and approach +me. My heart, I own, bounded with triumph. Premature triumph, alas! He +addressed our hostess, who was bending over me; pleaded indispensable +business; and leaving the divine bravura to more disengaged hearers, +withdrew. + +I was disconcerted; for, like other beauties, I liked better to repulse +presumption than to endure neglect. My song ended, I had remained for +some time sullen and silent, regardless of the lavish commendations +which were poured upon me; when, recollecting that my discomposure would +afford matter of exultation to my rivals, I suddenly rallied my spirits, +and looked round for some new instrument of offence. Lord Glendower, the +reputed suitor of Lady Maria, still kept his station by her side. I +contrived to engage him during the remainder of the evening. The penalty +of my malice was three hours' close attention to the dullest fool in +England; for vice, too, requires her self-denials, though her disciples +are not, like those of virtue, forewarned of the requisition. Languid, +disgusted and out of humour, I fatigued myself with laborious +playfulness, till the separation of the party released me from penance. + +Lord Frederick's 'indispensable business' was the next day explained by +a report, that he had passed the night in a gaming-house, where he had +lost five-and-twenty thousand pounds. Miss Arnold spoke with the +tenderest compassion of this disaster, 'smoothing my ruffled plumes,' +by ascribing it to the desperation occasioned by his late +disappointment. Forgetting that she had so lately ridiculed my romantic +estimate of the force of his passion, she suddenly appeared convinced +that it was strong enough to account for the most frantic actions. Folly +itself is not so credulous as self-conceit. I more than half believed, +though I affected to disprove her assertion. It approached, indeed, to +the truth more nearly than she suspected. Money, however obtained, was +absolutely necessary to Lord Frederick; and mine being beyond his reach, +he had recourse to fortune. But, in calculating upon the actions of the +gay, the liberal Lord Frederick, the narrow motives of interest never +once entered into my account. Dazzled by the false spirit, indicated by +the magnitude of his loss, and pleased with the cause to which vanity +ascribed it, I had half pardoned his late neglect, when I that evening +met him at Mrs Clermont's rout. + +So crowded were the rooms that I was not aware when he entered; and when +I first observed him, he was standing in close conversation with Miss +Arnold. Even pride can make concessions where it imagines cause of pity. +I condescended to give Lord Frederick another opportunity of renewing +his attention, and moved towards him through the crowd. My friend and he +were conversing with great earnestness; and, as I approached them from +behind, I caught the last words of their dialogue. His Lordship's speech +concluded with the expression, 'I should look confoundedly silly;'--Miss +Arnold's answer was, 'The thing is impossible:--he has not another +relation upon earth, except----' Seeing me at her side, Miss Arnold +stopped abruptly, and, I think, changed colour; but I had no time to +make observations, for Lord Frederick, seizing my hand, exclaimed, 'Ah, +you cruel creature, have you at last given me an opportunity to speak +with you. I thought you had been determined to cut me, since old +squaretoes interfered.' I carelessly answered that I had not made up my +mind on that subject:--but, had my reply been delayed a few moments, it +could not have been uttered with truth; for just then Lady Maria came to +request, with no small earnestness, that her brother would go and +exhibit to Lady Augusta Loftus a trick with cards, which it seems he +could perform with singular dexterity. 'We shall see who will prevail,' +thought I, and I seated myself as if to evince my resolution of +remaining where I was. Lord Frederick immediately excused himself to his +sister; and she at last, in evident vexation, relinquished her attempt. + +This little victory raised my spirits; and I enjoyed with double relish, +and provoked with double industry, the jealous glances with which I was +watched by Lady Maria and her fair friend. Lord Frederick, on his part, +had never been so assiduous to entertain. He flattered, made love, spoke +scandal, and even threw out some sarcasms upon the jealousy of his +sister. How had enmity perverted my mind, when I could tolerate this +unnatural assassination! How had it darkened my understanding, when I +shrunk not with suspicion from the heart which was dead to the sacred +charities of kindred! + +In the course of our conversation, Lord Frederick rallied me on the +subject of the masked ball, urging me to give my reasons for refusing +the tickets. Weakly ashamed to be suspected of submitting to authority, +I employed every excuse except the true one; and, among others, alleged, +that I was unacquainted with the lady by whom the ball was to be given. +Lord Frederick insisted upon introducing his relation, Lady St Edmunds, +to me; declaring that he had often heard her express a desire to be of +my acquaintance. I could not resist the temptation of this introduction, +for Lady St Edmunds was of the highest fashion. I protested, indeed, +that my resolution, with regard to the masquerade, was immutable, but I +suffered Lord Frederick to go in search of his gay relative. + +He soon returned, leading a lady, in whose appearance some half-a-dozen +wrinkles alone indicated the approach of the years of discretion. Her +cheek glowed with more than youthful roses. Her eye flashed with more +than cheerful fires. Her splendid drapery loosely falling from her +shoulders, displayed the full contour of a neck whiter than virgin +innocence, pure even from the faintest of those varying hues which stain +the lilies of nature. She addressed me with much of the grace and all +the ease of fashion, loaded me with compliments and caresses, and +charmed me with the artful condescension which veils itself in +respectful courtesy. She proposed to wait upon me the next day, and +entreated that I would allow her the privilege of old acquaintance, by +giving orders that she should be admitted. I readily consented, for +indeed I was delighted with my new friend. I was dazzled with the +freedom of her language, the boldness of her sentiments, and her +apparent knowledge of the world. The partial admiration expressed for +me, by one so much my superior in years and rank, warmed a heart +accessible through every avenue of vanity; and I spent an hour in lively +chit-chat with her and Lord Frederick, without once recollecting that +her Ladyship's fame was not quite so spotless as her bosom. + +Faithful to her appointment, Lady St Edmunds called upon me the next +morning; and though she looked less youthful, was as fascinating as +ever. No charm of graceful sportiveness, of artful compliment, or of +kindly seeming, was wanting to the attraction of her manners. I was +accustomed to the adulation of men; and sometimes, when it was less +dexterously applied, or when I was in a more rational humour, I could +ask myself which the obsequious gentleman admired the most,--Miss Percy, +or the pretty things they said to her. But let no one boast of being +inaccessible to flattery, till he had withstood that of a superior; and +let that superior be highly bred, seemingly disinterested, and a woman. +I did not, at the time, perceive that Lady St Edmunds flattered me; I +merely was convinced that she had a lively sensibility towards a kindred +mind, and a generosity which could bestow unenvying admiration upon +superior youth and beauty. + +When she was about to retire, she mentioned her masked ball, expressing +a strong desire to see me there, and extending the request to Miss +Arnold. With one of the deepest sighs I ever breathed, I told her of my +unfeigned regret that it was out of my power to accept her invitation. +Lady St Edmunds looked as if she read my thoughts. 'I won't be denied,' +said she; 'be as late as you will; but surely you may escape from your +engagement for an hour or two at least. Come, dear Miss Percy, you would +not be so mischievous as to spoil my whole evening's pleasure; and now +that I know you, there is no thinking of pleasure without you.' + +I was again on the point of declining, though with tears in my eyes, +when I was interrupted by Miss Arnold. 'I can assure your Ladyship,' +said she, 'that we have no engagement; only, our duenna does not approve +of masquerades, and Ellen happens to be in a submissive frame just now.' + +I could better endure the weight of my shackles than the exhibition of +them; and, the warm blood rushing to my cheek, I answered, 'That I did +not suppose Miss Mortimer, or any other person, pretended a right to +control me; that I had merely yielded to entreaties, not submitted to +authority.' + +'And why must the duenna's entreaties be more powerful than mine?' said +Lady St Edmunds, laying her white hand upon my arm, and looking in my +face with a soul-subduing smile. + +'Dear Lady St Edmunds!' cried I, kissing her hand, 'do not talk of +entreaty. Lay some command upon me less agreeable to my inclination, +that I may show how eager I am to obey you. But indeed, I fear--I +think--I--after giving my promise to Miss Mortimer, I believe I ought +not to retract.' + +'Why not, my dear?' said Lady St Edmunds. 'It is only changing your +mind, you know, which the whole sex does every day.' + +'You know, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, 'the case is quite altered since +you talked of it with Miss Mortimer. She did not object so much to the +masked ball, as to your going with----' + +'Juliet!' said I, stopping her with a frown, for I felt shocked that she +should tell Lady St Edmunds that her nephew's attendance was objected to +by Miss Mortimer. + +'Ah!' cried Lady St Edmunds, with the prettiest air of reproach +imaginable, 'I see Miss Arnold is more inclined to oblige me than you +are; so to her I commit my cause for the present, for now I positively +must tear myself away. Good-by, my pretty advocate. Be sure you make me +victorious over the duenna. Farewell, my lovely perverse one,' continued +she, kissing my cheek. 'I shall send you tickets, however. I issue only +three hundred.' + +Lady St Edmunds retired, and left my heart divided between her and the +masquerade. She was scarcely gone, when Miss Mortimer came in; and, full +of my charming visiter, I instantly began to pronounce her eulogium. I +thought Miss Mortimer listened with very repulsive coldness; of course, +a little heat of a less gentle kind was added to the warmth of my +admiration, and my language became more impassioned. 'I have been told +that Lady St Edmunds is very insinuating,' said Miss Mortimer; and this +was all the answer I could obtain. My praise became more rapturous than +ever. Miss Mortimer remained silent for some moments after I had talked +myself out of breath. Perhaps she was considering how she might reply +without offence. 'Such manners,' said she, 'must indeed be engaging. I +see their effect in the eloquence of your praise. I wish it were always +safe to yield to their attraction.' + +'Bless me! Miss Mortimer,' interrupted I, 'you are the most suspicious +being! I see you want me to suspect Lady St Edmunds of every thing that +is bad, and for no earthly reason but because she is delightful!' + +'Indeed, my dear Ellen,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'you wrong me. I should +be the last person to taint your mind with any unfounded suspicion. But +it is natural, you know, that years should teach us caution.' + +'Oh!' exclaimed I, fervently clasping my hands, 'if age must chill all +my affections, and leave me only a dead soul chained to a half-living +body, may Heaven grant that my years may be few! May I go to my grave +ere my heart cease to love and trust its fellows!' + +'Dearest child!' cried Miss Mortimer, 'may many a happy year improve and +refine your affections; and may they long survive the enthusiasm which +paints their objects as faultless! But is it not better that you should +know a little of Lady St Edmunds' character, before intimacy confirm her +power over you?' + +'Why should I know any thing more of her than I do? I can see that she +has the most penetrating understanding, the most affectionate heart!' + +'No doubt these are great endowments; but something more may be +necessary. The proverb is not the less true for its vulgarity, which +tells us, that the world will estimate us by our associates; and, what +is still more important, the estimate will prove just. If you form +intimacies with the worthless, or even with the suspected----' + +'Worthless! suspected!' exclaimed I, my blood boiling with indignation; +'who dares to use such epithets in speaking of Lady St Edmunds?' + +'Be calm, Ellen. I did not, at the moment that I uttered these offensive +words, intend any personal application. If I had, my language should +have been less severe. But I can inform you, that the world has been +less cautious, and that those epithets have been very freely applied to +Lady St Edmunds!' + +'Yes! perhaps by a set of waspish bigots, envious of her, who is herself +so far above the meanness of envy,--or who cannot pardon her for +refusing to make Sunday a day of penance!' + +Miss Mortimer, though naturally one of the most timid creatures upon +earth, was as inflexible in regard to some particular opinions, as if +she had had the nerves of a Hercules. 'Indeed, Ellen,' said she, calmly, +'it would be ungrateful in you, or any other woman of fashion, to charge +the world with intolerance towards Sabbath-breakers. I fear that Lady St +Edmunds would give little offence by her Sunday's parties, if she were +circumspect in her more private conduct.' + +'Bless my heart, Miss Mortimer!' cried I, 'what have I to do with the +private conduct of all my acquaintance? What is it to me, if Lady St +Edmunds spoil her children, or rule her husband, or lose a few hundred +pounds at cards now and then?' + +Miss Mortimer smiled.--'Even bigots,' said she, 'must acquit her +Ladyship of all these faults, for she takes no concern with her +children,--she is separated from her husband,--and certainly does not +_lose_ at cards.' + +'And so you, who pretend to preach charity towards all mankind, can +condescend to retail second-hand calumny! You would have me desert an +amiable, and, I am persuaded, an injured woman, merely because she has +the misfortune to be slandered!' + +'When you know me better, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, meekly, 'you will +find, that it is not my practice to repeat any scandalous tale, without +some better reason than my belief that it is true. I shall not at +present defend the justice of the censures which have fallen upon Lady +St Edmunds. I will merely offer you my opinion, in hopes that, a few +hours hence, you may reconsider it. If a friend, whose worth you had +proved, whose affection you had secured, were made a mark for the shafts +of calumny,--far be it from you to seek a base shelter, leaving her +unshielded, to be 'hit by the archers;' but, against the formation of a +new acquaintance, the slightest suspicion ought, in my opinion, to be +decisive. The frailty of a good name is as proverbial as its value; and +virgin fame is far too precious to be ventured upon uncertainty, and far +too frail to escape uninjured even from the appearance of hazard.' + +This speech was so long that it gave me time to cool, and so +incontrovertible, that I found some difficulty in replying. Before I +could summon a rejoinder, Miss Mortimer, who never pursued a victory, +had quitted the room. She had left me an unpleasant subject of +meditation; but she had allowed me to postpone the consideration of it +for a few hours; so, in the mean time, I turned my thoughts to the +masquerade. + +And first, by way of safeguard against temptation, I thought it best to +lay down an immutable resolution that I would not go. It was very hard, +indeed, to be deprived of such a harmless amusement; but, as I had given +an unlucky promise, I purposed magnanimously to adhere to it, resolving, +however, to indemnify myself the next opportunity. Thus mortified, I +began to indulge my fancy in painting what _might have been_ the +pleasures of the masquerade. I imagined (there was surely no harm in +imagining!) how well I could have personated the fair Fatima,--how +happily the turban would have accorded with the Grecian turn of my +head,--how softly the transparent sleeves of my caftan would have shaded +my rounded arm,--how favourably the Turkish costume would have shown the +light limb, and the elastic step. I invented a hundred witticisms which +I might have uttered,--a hundred compliments which I might have +received. Above all, I dwelt upon the approbation, the endearments of +the charming Lady St Edmunds, till my heart bounded with the ideal joy. +When I retired to rest, the same gay visions surrounded me; and I gladly +awoke to pursue them again in my waking dreams. + +How suitable to our nature is that commandment which places upon the +thoughts the first restraints of virtue! It was painful to interrupt my +delightful reverie, by renewing my resolutions of self-denial, so I +passed them over as already fixed, insensible how fatally I was +undermining their foundations. The bribe must be poor indeed, which the +aids of imagination cannot render irresistible. The longer my fancy +dwelt upon my lost pleasure, the more severe seemed my privation, the +more unfounded Miss Mortimer's prejudice. From the wish that the thing +had been right, the step was easy to the belief that it could not be +_very_ wrong. Before the morning, my inclination had so far bewildered +my judgment, that Miss Arnold found no difficulty in persuading me to +refer the matter to my father; and, regardless of my promise, to abide +by his decision. + +She herself undertook the statement of the case; for it happened, I know +not how, that, even when she spoke only truth, her statements always +served a purpose better than mine. The effect of her adroit +representation was, that my father decided in favour of the masquerade; +observing that 'Miss Mortimer, though a very good woman, had some odd +notions, which it would not do for every body to adopt.' + +Thus it seemed determined that I was to enjoy the amusement upon which I +had set my heart. And yet I was not satisfied. My gay visions were no +sooner likely to be realised, than they lost half their charms. A slight +scrutiny into my own mind would have enabled me to trace the cause of +this change to a consciousness of error; but a vague anticipation of the +issue was sufficient to prevent me from entering upon the enquiry. I +therefore contented myself with attempting to impose upon my own +judgment, by asserting that, since my father was satisfied, I was at +full liberty to pursue my inclination. 'To be sure,' said Miss Arnold, +'when Mr Percy has given his permission, who else has any right to +interfere?' + +'And will you, my dear sir, speak of it to Miss Mortimer,' said I, +anxious to transfer that task to any one who would undertake it. + +'Oh, I'll manage all that,' cried Miss Arnold. 'If Mr Percy were to +mention the matter to Miss Mortimer, it would look as if he thought +himself accountable to her; and then there would be no end of it; for +she fancies already that she should be consulted in every thing that +concerns you,--as if Mr Percy, who has so long superintended the +greatest concerns in the kingdom, could not direct his own family +without her interference!' + +I believe my father, as well as myself, might have some latent +misgivings of mind, which made him not unwilling to accept of Miss +Arnold's offered services. 'I have so many important affairs to mind,' +said he, 'that I shall probably think no more of such a trifle; so I +commission you, Miss Juliet, to let Miss Mortimer know my opinion; +which, I dare say, you will do discreetly, for you seem a civil, +judicious young lady. Elizabeth, poor soul, meant all for the best; +thinking to save me a few pounds, I suppose. But you may let her know, +that what it may be very commendable in her to save is altogether below +my notice. When a man has thousands, and tens of thousands passing +through his hands every day, it gives him a liberal way of thinking. But +as for a woman, who never was mistress of a hundred pounds at a time, +what can she know of liberality?' + +My father had now entered on a favourite topic, the necessary connection +between riches and munificence. Miss Arnold listened respectfully, +approving by smiles, nods, and single words of assent; while I stood +wrapt in my meditations, if I may give that name to the succession of +unsightly images which conscience forced into my mind, and which I as +quickly banished. Having triumphantly convinced an antagonist who +ventured not upon opposition, my father withdrew; and left my friend and +me to consult upon our communication to Miss Mortimer. + +'She will be in a fine commotion,' said I, endeavouring to smile, 'when +she hears that we are going to this masquerade after all. But since you +have undertaken the business, Juliet, you may break it to her to-night, +while I am at the opera; and then the fracas will be partly over before +I come home.' + +'I have been just thinking,' said Miss Arnold, 'all the time that your +father was making that fine oration, that it would be wiser not to break +it to her at all. Where is the necessity for her knowing any thing of +the matter? We shall have other invitations for the same evening; so we +may go somewhere else first, and afterwards look in for an hour or two +at the ball. Nobody need know that we have been there.' + +'What, Juliet! would you have me steal off in that clandestine way, as +if I were afraid or ashamed to do what my father approves of? If I am to +act in defiance of Miss Mortimer, I will do it openly, and not slavishly +pilfer my right, as if I did not dare to assert it.' + +'Don't be angry, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, soothingly; 'I shall most +willingly do whatever you think best. But, for my part, I would almost +as soon give up the masquerade, as be lectured about it for the next +three weeks.' + +'But, to give Miss Mortimer her due,' returned I, 'she does not lecture +much.' + +'That is true,' replied Miss Arnold. 'But then she will look so +dolefully at us. I am sure I would rather be scolded heartily at once.' + +In this last sentiment, I cordially sympathised; for the silent +upbraiding of the eye is the very poetry of reproach--it addresses +itself to the imagination. 'I wish,' cried I, sighing from the very +bottom of my heart, 'that I had never heard of this ball!' + +'In my opinion,' said Miss Arnold, 'it would save both us and Miss +Mortimer a great deal of vexation, if she were never to hear more of +it.' + +'Say no more of that, Juliet,' interrupted I; 'I am determined not to +take another step in the business without her knowledge.' + +Miss Arnold was silent for a few moments; and when her voice again drew +my attention, I perceived tears in her eyes. 'Well, Ellen,' said she, +'since you are so determined, I see only one way of settling the matter +quietly. I will give my ticket to Miss Mortimer,--she can have no +objection to your going, if she be there herself to watch you.' + +'Never name such a thing to me, Juliet! What! leave you moping alone, +fancying all the pleasure you might have had, while I am amusing myself +abroad. I had rather never see a mask in my life!' + +'I should prefer any thing to bringing her ill-humour upon you,' said +Miss Arnold; 'and since you persist in telling her, I see no other way +of escape. I shall most cheerfully resign the masquerade to give you +pleasure.' + +'My own dear Juliet!' cried I, locking my arms round her neck, while +unbidden tears filled my eyes, 'how can you talk of giving my pleasure +by sacrificing your own, when you know that more than half the delight +in my life is to share its joys with you.' Nor were these the empty +sounds of compliment, nor even the barren expression of a passing +fervour. My purse, my ornaments, my amusements, even the assiduities of +my admirers, all on which my foolish heart was most fixed, I freely +shared with her. Yet, this same Juliet--but is it for me to complain of +ingratitude?--for me, who, favoured by an all-bountiful Benefactor, +abused his gifts, despised his warnings, neglected his commands, +abhorred his intercourse! Let those who are conscious of similar demerit +cease to reproach the less flagrant baseness, which repays with evil the +feeble benefits that man bestows on man. + +On the present occasion, Juliet's influence prevailed with me so far, +that, before we separated, I had agreed to a compromise. I persisted, +indeed, in refusing to go clandestinely to the masquerade, but I adhered +to my purpose of going; and pledged my word, that, in order to avoid all +importunity on the subject, I would leave Miss Mortimer in ignorance of +my determination, till the very hour of its accomplishment. Miss Arnold +undertook to keep my father silent, which she performed in the most +dexterous manner; and with the more ease, because, perhaps, he was +conscious that the subject furnished materials for confession as well as +for narrative. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + _--You squander freely, + But have you wherewithal? Have you the fund + For these outgoings? If you have, go on; + If you have not--stop in good time, before + You outrun honesty._ + + Cumberland (from Diphilus). + + +In defiance of Miss Mortimer's advice, I returned Lady St Edmunds' visit +without delay. I made, indeed, some general enquiries into the character +of my new favourite; myself unwilling to hear, I learnt that she was +said to play games of chance with extraordinary skill and success; and +that she was suspected of impropriety in a point where detection is +still more fatal. It is unfortunate that prudence and self-sufficiency +are so rarely found together since he who will make no use of the wisdom +of others, certainly needs an extraordinary fund of his own. I was +predetermined to consider whatever could be advanced against Lady St +Edmunds, as the effect of malicious misrepresentation. My self-conceit +pointed me out as no improper person to stem the tide of unjustice; and, +by an admirable, though in this case an abused, provision in our nature, +my kindly feelings towards her were strengthened at once by my +intentions to serve her, and by my resentment of her supposed wrongs. + +Lady St Edmunds, on her part, more than met my advances. She treated me +with a distinction which I ascribed solely to the most flattering +partiality; and sought my society with an eagerness in which I suspected +no aim beyond its own gratification. Even now, when experience has +taught me to look through these fair seemings, I am convinced that her +affection was not entirely feigned; for I have seldom met with a heart +so callous, as not to be touched with a transient sympathy at least, by +the honest enthusiasm of youth. In the mean time, I had the more +confidence in the disinterestedness of her regard, because I could +detect no sinister motive for her attentions. Once, and only once, she +had engaged me in play; but the stake was not large, and I rose a +winner. + +Miss Mortimer nevertheless continued her opposition to the acquaintance, +remonstrating against it with a perseverance and warmth which +alternately surprised and provoked me. Regarding her warnings as the +voice of that cold ungenerous suspicion which I imagined to be incident +to age, I took a perverse delight in extolling the attractions of my new +friend, and in magnifying their power over me. One prophecy of my +Cassandra was impressed upon my recollection, by its containing the only +severe expression that ever my incorrigible wilfulness could exert from +the forbearing spirit of the Christian. Among other rapturous epithets, +I called Lady St Edmunds my dear enchantress. 'Well may you give her +that name,' said Miss Mortimer, 'for she is drawing you into a circle +where nothing good or holy must tread; and if you will follow her to the +tempter's own ground, you must bid farewell to better spirits. The wise +and the virtuous will one by one forsake you, until you have no guide +but such as lead to evil, and no companions but such as take advantage +of your errors, or share in your ruin.' + +It is astonishing, that beings formed to look forward so anxiously to +the future, when anxiety can be of no avail, should often treat it with +such perverse disregard, when foresight might indeed be useful. Will it +be believed, that, from this very conversation, I went to exhibit myself +to half the town, as Lady St Edmunds' companion, by attending her to an +auction? + +The sale was in consequence of an execution in the house of a lady of +high fashion; and thither of course came all those of her own rank, who +wished to be relieved of their time, their money, or their curiosity. +Lord Frederick de Burgh, who seemed the almost constant associate of his +fair relative, was of our party. Indeed I could not help observing, upon +all occasions, that his attentions to me were infinitely more +particular, since my father had announced his decision. But I regarded +that decision as final; and merely inferred, that Lord Frederick, like +Miss Arnold, perceived the safety of a flirtation, which could lead to +no consequence; or that, in the true spirit of his sex, he grew eager in +pursuit, when attainment appeared difficult. + +As the sale proceeded, a hundred useless toys were exposed, and called +forth a hundred vain and unlovely emotions. Curiosity, admiration, +desire, impatience, envy, and resentment, chased each other over many a +fair face; and the flush of angry disappointment, or of unprofitable +victory, stained many a cheek from whence the blush of modesty had faded +for ever. I took out my pencil to caricature a group, in which a spare +dame, whose face combined no common contrast of projection and +concavity, was darting from her sea-green eyes sidelong flames upon a +china jar, which was surveyed with complacent smiles by its round and +rosy purchaser. But my labours were interrupted, and from an amused +spectator of the scene, I was converted into a keen actor, when the +auctioneer exposed a tortoise-shell dressing-box, magnificently inlaid +with gold. Art had exhausted itself in the elegance of the pattern and +the delicacy of the workmanship. It was every way calculated to arrest +the regards of fine ladies; for, like them, it was useless and expensive +in proportion to its finery. It was put up at fifty guineas; less, as we +were assured by the auctioneer, than half its value. Rather than allow +such matchless beauty to be absolutely thrown away, I bade for the +bauble. It proved equally attractive to others, and my fair opponents +soon raised its price to seventy pounds. There for a while it made a +pause, and no one seemed inclined to go farther; but this was still far +below its value. I hesitated for a few moments; and then, in the +conviction that nobody would bid more, increased my offer. It seems I +was mistaken. The lady with whom, but for my perseverance, the prize +would have remained, measured me with a very contemptuous look, and bade +again with a composure which seemed to say, 'Does the girl fancy she can +contend with me?' This was attacking me on the weak side. I instantly +bade again. The lady coolly did the same. I, growing more warm, went on. +The lady proceeded, with smiles not quite of courtesy; till, in exchange +for my discretion, my temper, and a hundred and fifteen pounds, I had +gained the tortoise-shell dressing-box. + +The costly toy was already in my possession, and already every eye was +turned upon me with envy, sarcasm, or compassion, before I remembered +that it was necessary to pay for my purchase. In some perplexity I began +to search for my purse; recollecting, not without dismay, that it did +not contain above twenty guineas. I had indeed a further supply at home, +but the law of the sale required that every purchase should be paid for +upon the spot, and I was obliged to apply to Lady St Edmunds for +assistance. This was the first time that ever I had found occasion to +borrow money; and I shall never forget the embarrassment which it cost +me. With a confusion which would have dearly paid for the possession of +ten thousand baubles, I, in a timid, scarcely intelligible whisper, +begged Lady St Edmunds to lend me the necessary sum, assuring her that +it should be repaid that very day. Her Ladyship at first frankly +consented to my request; but suddenly recollecting herself, declared +that she had not a guinea about her; and, without waiting for my +concurrence, called upon Lord Frederick to relieve my difficulty. Giddy +and imprudent as I was, I shrunk from incurring this obligation to Lord +Frederick. I at first positively refused his aid; and while, for a few +minutes, I sat affecting to examine my purchase, I was cordially wishing +that its materials were still in opposite hemispheres, and endeavouring +to gain courage for a petition to some other of my acquaintance. + +I at last fixed upon a young lady of fortune with whom I had contracted +some intimacy; and, under pretence of exhibiting my box, beckoned her +towards me, and requested her to lend me the money. With an aspect of +profound amazement, she exclaimed, 'La, my dear! how can you think of +such a thing? I have not ten pounds in the world. I never have. It is +always spent before I can lay a finger on it.'--'Indeed! I was in hopes +you were in cash just now, for I thought I observed you bid for this +box.'--'Oh, one must bid now and then for a little amusement! But I +assure you I had no thoughts of buying such a splendid affair. I must +leave that to those who have more money than they know what to do with.' + +I could perceive a tincture of malice in the smile which accompanied +these words; and turning from her, resumed my conversation with Lady St +Edmunds. Her Ladyship rallied me unmercifully upon what she called my +prudery; asking me, in a very audible whisper, what sort of interest I +expected Lord Frederick to exact, which made me so afraid of becoming +his debtor. Lord Frederick himself joined in the raillery; and, +laughing, offered to recommend me to an honest Jew, if I preferred such +a creditor. Their manner of treating the subject made me almost ashamed +of having refused Lord Frederick's assistance, especially as I was +certain that the obligation might be discharged in an hour. I suspected, +indeed, though I was but imperfectly acquainted with the state of my +funds, that they were insufficient for this demand; but I knew that Miss +Arnold had money, because I had divided my quarterly allowance with +her, and had not since observed her to incur any serious expense. +Besides, I was convinced that my father would permit me to draw upon him +in advance, so that at all events I should be able to discharge my debt +on the following day. I therefore half playfully, half in earnest, +accepted of Lord Frederick's offered aid; and he instantly delivered the +money to me with a gallantry, which showed that a man of fashion can, +upon extraordinary occasions, be polite. + +When I had received the notes, I jestingly asked him what security I +should give him for their repayment? Lord Frederick took my hand, and +drawing from my finger a ring of small value, said, with more +seriousness than I expected, 'This shall be my pledge; but you must not +imagine that I shall restore it for a few paltry guineas. You may have +it again as soon as you will, on a fit occasion.' I could have dispensed +with this piece of gallantry, which was conducted too seriously for my +taste; but a lady, like a member of Parliament, must accept of no +favours if she would preserve the right of remonstrance, and I allowed +Lord Frederick to keep the ring. + +Soon afterwards we returned home, and I proceeded to examine the state +of my funds. I was astonished to find that my bureau did not contain +above ten pounds. I searched every drawer and concealment, wondering at +intervals what could possibly have become of my money,--a wonder, I +believe, in which the fugitive nature of guineas involves every fair +lady who keeps no exact register of their departure. Thus employed, I +was found by Miss Arnold, to whom I immediately unfolded my dilemma; +calling upon her to assist me with her recollection, as to the disposal +of my funds, and with her purse, in supply of their present deficiency. +On the first point, she was tolerably helpful to me, recalling to my +mind many expenses which I had utterly forgotten; but, in regard to the +second, she protested, with expressions of deep regret, that she could +yield me no assistance. 'You may well look astonished, dearest Ellen,' +pursued she, 'considering your noble generosity to me. But, indeed, +nothing could have happened more unfortunately. It was only yesterday +that I visited my brother, and happened to tell him what a princely +spirit you had, and how liberal you had been to me. The deuce take my +tongue for being so nimble,--but it is all your own fault, Ellen; for +you won't let me praise you to your face, and one can't always be +silent. So, just then, in came a fellow with a long bill for some vile +thing or another, and my brother bid me lend him my money that he might +settle with the creature. What could I do, you know? I could not +refuse. But if I had once guessed that you could possibly want it, I +should as soon have lent him my heart's blood.' + +I suffered the tale to conclude without interruption; for indeed I was +fully as much astonished as I looked. I had by no means understood that +my friend was upon such terms with her brother as to incline her to lend +him money; nor that he was in such circumstances as to need to borrow. A +doubt of her truth, however, never once darkened my mind. Self-love +prevented me, as it daily prevents thousands, from making the very +obvious reflection, that one who could be disingenuous with others to +serve me, might be disingenuous with me to serve herself. Miss Arnold +proceeded to reproach herself in the bitterest manner for her +improvidence in parting with the money, and seemed so heartily vexed, +that the little spleen which my disappointment had at first excited +entirely subsided; and I comforted my friend as well as I was able, by +assuring her that my father would advance whatever money I desired. + +Miss Arnold now, in her turn, was silent, wearing a look of grave +consideration. 'If I were in your place, Ellen,' said she, at last, 'I +don't think I would mention this matter to Mr Percy.' + +'Not mention it!' said I, 'why not?' + +'Because,' returned Miss Arnold, 'I see no end it can serve, except to +make him angry. You know his pompous notions; and, after what has +passed, I am sure he will think you borrowing money from Lord Frederick +an act of downright rebellion.' + +'Indeed,' returned I, 'that is very likely; but I promised to repay Lord +Frederick to-morrow; and I have no other way of obtaining the money.' + +'Poh! my dear, you are so punctilious about trifles! What can it +possibly signify to Lord Frederick whether he be repaid to-morrow, or +the day after?' + +'Why, to be sure, it cannot signify much; only, as I have given my +promise, I do not like to break it.' + +'Well, really, Ellen, if I were to shut my eyes, I could sometimes fancy +you had been brought up with some queer old aunt in the country. What +difference can one day make? And I am sure, by the end of the week, at +farthest, I could get the money from my brother, and settle the whole +matter peaceably. Do take my advice, and say nothing about it to your +father; he will be so angry; and you know, at the worst, you can tell +him at any time.' + +Had my mind been well regulated, or my judgment sound, Miss Arnold's +argument would itself have defeated her purpose; and the very conviction +of my father's disliking my debt to Lord Frederick would have determined +me that it should, at all hazards, be repaid. But I was fated, in many +instances, to suffer the penalty of those perverted habits of mind, +which imposed upon me a sort of moral disability of choosing right, as +often as a choice was presented to me. Misled by an artful adviser, or +rather, perhaps, by my own inveterate abhorrence of reproof, I chose +that clandestine path, in which none can tread with peace or safety. In +this fatal decision began a long train of evil. + +Warned by my example, let him who is entering upon life review, with a +suspicious eye, the transactions which he is inclined to conceal from +the appointed guardians of his virtue. If the subject be of moment, let +him be wisely fearful to rely upon his own judgment;--if it be trivial, +let not concealment swell it to disastrous importance. If he have, +unfortunately, a tendency to creep through the winding covered path, let +him not strengthen by one additional act a habit so fatal to the lofty +port of honour. If, like me, he be of a frank and open nature, let him +not, to escape a transient evil, sink the light heart, and pervert the +simple purpose, and bend the erect dignity of truth. Let him who can +tread firm in conscious soundness of mind leave the stealthy course for +those to whom nature has given no better means of attaining their end. +The low and tangled way, the subtle tortuous progress, suits the base +earth-worm; let creatures of a nobler mould advance erect and steady. + +Having dissuaded me from using the only means of discharging my debt +without delay, Miss Arnold, like a cautious general, contented herself +with fortifying the post she had taken; and, for the present, carried +her operations no further. But, the next day, she took occasion to ask +me, with a careless air, 'whether I had written a note of excuse to Lord +Frederick?' I answered that I had not thought of it. 'You intend +writing, of course,' said Miss Arnold, with that look of decision which +has often served the purpose of argument. + +'Don't you think it will be rather awkward?' said I. + +'That you should not write, you mean?--Very awkward, indeed. And then I +am sure you ought never to lose an opportunity of writing a note, for I +know nobody who has such a talent for turning these things neatly.' + +The indistinct idea of impropriety which was floating in my mind was put +to flight by the nonchalance of Miss Arnold's manner; for, when reason +and conscience are deposed from their rightful authority at home, it is +amazing how abjectly they learn to bend, not to the passions only, but +to impulse merely external. I wrote the note to Lord Frederick. My +lover, for now I may fairly call him so, contrived to reply to my billet +in such terms as, with the help of Miss Arnold's counsels, produced a +rejoinder. This again occasioned another; and notes, sonnets, epistles +in verse, and billet-doux passed between us, till the folly had nearly +assumed the form of a regular correspondence. All this was, of course, +carried on without the knowledge of my father or Miss Mortimer; and so +rapid are the inroads of evil, that I soon began to find a mysterious +pleasure in the dexterity which compassed this furtive intercourse. + +In the mean time, Miss Arnold was in no haste to perform her promise. +Day after day she found some excuse for not going to ask her money, or +some pretence for returning without it; and day after day she persuaded +me to wait for its restitution; till the uneasy feeling of undischarged +obligation subsided by degrees, and the natural disquiet of a debtor was +nearly lost in the giddiness of perpetual amusement. + +As the masked ball drew near, my eagerness for it had completely +revived. It may seem strange, considering the multitude of my frivolous +pleasures, that any single one should have awakened such ardour. But a +masquerade was now the only amusement which was new to me; and I had +already begun to experience that craving for novelty which is incident +to all who seek for happiness where it never was and never will be +found,--in bubbles which amuse the sense, but cheat the longing soul. + +So entirely was I occupied in anticipating my new pleasure, that I +should have had neither thought nor observation to bestow upon any other +subject, had not conscience sometimes turned my attention to Miss +Mortimer. I thought she looked ill and melancholy. Her complexion, +always delicate, had faded to a sickly hue. Her eyes were sunk and +hollow; and the jealous watchfulness of one who has given cause of +complaint, made me remark that they were often fixed sadly upon me. I +half suspected that she had discovered my intended breach of faith; and +wondered whether it were possible that my misconduct could make such an +impression upon her mind. I was relieved from this suspicion by the +frankness with which she one day lamented to me that my father, for some +reason which she could not divine, refused to permit a party to be +formed for the 5th of May. 'I could have wished,' said she, 'to make +that evening pass more gaily than I fear it will. Dear Ellen, how like +you are to your mother when you blush!' + +'Then I am sure,' said I, 'I wish I could blush always, for there is +nobody I should like so much to resemble.' + +'Well,' said Miss Mortimer, 'were it not for the fear of making you +vain, I could tell you, that there is a more substantial resemblance; +for she, like you, knew how to resign her strongest inclinations in +compliance with the wishes of her friends.' + +This was too much. Conscience-struck, and quite thrown off my guard, I +exclaimed, 'Like me! Oh! she was no more like me, than an angel of light +is to a dark designing----' Recollecting that I was betraying myself, I +stopped. + +Miss Mortimer turned upon me a smile so kind, so confiding, that as oft +as it rises to my memory I abhor myself. 'Nay, Ellen,' said she, 'if I +am to be your confessor lay open the sins which do really beset you; +unless, as Mr Maitland would say, you are afraid that I should have a +sinecure.' + +'I have a great mind,' cried I, 'to make a resolution, that I will never +do a wrong thing again without confessing it to somebody!' + +'The resolution would be a good one,' said Miss Mortimer, 'provided you +could rely upon the judgment and integrity of your confessor; and +provided you are sure that the pain of exposing your faults to another +will not lead you to conceal them more industriously from yourself.' + +'Oh! I am sure I could never do wrong without being sensible of it. But +the misfortune is, that people have not the right method of talking of +my faults. They always contrive to say something provoking. You need not +smile. It is not that I am so uncandid that I cannot endure to be +blamed; for there's Juliet often finds fault with me, and I never grow +angry.' + +'Well, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, 'if ever you should be inclined to +make trial of me, I promise you never intentionally to say any thing +provoking. In dexterity I shall not pretend to vie with Miss Arnold, but +in affectionate interest I will yield to none. You have a claim upon my +indulgence, which your errors can never cancel; especially as I am sure +that they will never lean towards artifice or meanness.' + +The heart must be callously vile, which can bear to be stabbed with the +words of abused confidence. I sprung away in search of Miss Arnold, that +I might retract my promise of concealing from Miss Mortimer the affair +of the masquerade. I was met by the dress-maker, who, loaded with +parcels and band-boxes, came to fit on the attire of the fair Fatima; +and, during the hour which was consumed on this operation, the ardour of +my sincerity had cooled so far, that Miss Arnold easily prevailed on me +to let matters remain as we had first arranged them. + +How often, I may say how invariably, did my better feelings vanish, ere +they issued into action! But feeling is, in its very nature, transient. +It is at best the meteor's blaze, shedding strong, but momentary day; +while principle, the true principle, be it faint at first as the star +whose ray hath newly reached our earth is yet the living light of the +higher heaven; which never more will leave us in utter darkness, but +lend a steady beam to guide our way. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + _--There we + Solicit pleasure, hopeless of success; + Waste youth in occupations only fit + For second childhood; and devote old age + To sports which only childhood could excuse. + There they are happiest who dissemble best + Their weariness; and they the most polite, + Who squander time and treasure with a smile, + Though at their own destruction._ + + Cowper. + + +The fifth of May arrived; and never did lover, waiting the hour of +meeting, suffer more doubts and tremours than I did, lest Mrs Beetham +should disappoint me of my evening's paraphernalia. Although I had +ordered the dress to be at my bed-side as soon as I awoke, the faithless +mantua-maker detained it till after two o'clock; and the intermediate +hours were consumed in fits of anger, suspense, and despondency. At last +it came; and I hastened to ascertain its becomingness and effect. I knew +that Miss Mortimer was closeted with a medical friend; I had, therefore, +no interruption to fear from her. Yet I locked myself into my +dressing-room, because I could not, without constraint, allow even Miss +Arnold to witness those rehearsals of vanity, which I was not ashamed to +exhibit before Him who remembers that we are but dust. Others may smile +at this and many other instances of my folly. I look back upon them as +on the illusions of delirium, and shudder whilst I smile. + +I was practising before a looking-glass the attitudes most favourable to +the display of my dress and figure, when my attention was drawn by the +sound of bustle in the staircase. I opened my door to discover the cause +of the noise, and perceived some of the servants bearing Miss Mortimer, +to all appearance lifeless. In horror and alarm I sprung towards her; +and in answer to some incoherent questions, I learnt, that she had had a +long private conference with Dr ----, and that he had scarcely left the +house, when she had fainted away. A servant had hastened to recall the +surgeon, but his carriage had driven off too quickly to be overtaken. + +The dastardly habits of self-indulgence had so estranged me from the +very forms of sickness or of sorrow, that I now stood confounded by +their appearance; and if a menial, whose very existence I scarcely +deigned to remember, had not far excelled me in considerate presence of +mind, the world might then have lost one of its chief ornaments, and I +the glorious lesson of a Christian's life--of a Christian's death! By +means of the simple prescriptions of this poor girl, Miss Mortimer +revived. Her first words were those of thankfulness for all our cares; +her next request that she might be left alone. Recollecting my strange +attire, which alarm had driven from my mind, I felt no disinclination to +obey; but the girl, whose assistance had already been so useful, begged +for permission to remain. 'Indeed, ma'am,' said she, 'you ought not to +be left alone while you are so weak and ill.' + +'Oh I am weaker than a child!' cried Miss Mortimer; 'but go, my dear: I +shall not be alone! I know where the weakest shall assuredly find +strength!' + +The countenance of the person to whom she spoke gave signal of +intelligence; the rest stared with vacant wonder. All obeyed Miss +Mortimer's command; and I hastened to lay aside my Turkish drapery, +which, for some minutes, I had almost unconsciously been screening from +observation behind the magnitude of our fat housekeeper. + +As soon as I had resumed my ordinary dress, I stole back to the door of +Miss Mortimer's apartment. I listened for a while,--but all was still. I +entered softly, and beheld Miss Mortimer upon her knees, her hands +clasped in supplication; the flush of hope glowing through the tears +which yet trembled on her cheek; her eyes raised with meek confidence, +as the asking infant looks up in his mother's face. I was not +unacquainted with the attitude of devotion. _That_ I might have studied +even at our theatres, where a mockery of prayer often insults both taste +and decency. I had even preserved from my childish days a habit of +uttering every morning a short 'form of sound words.' But the spirit of +prayer had never touched my heart; and when I beheld the signs of vital +warmth attend that which I had considered as altogether lifeless, it +seemed like the moving pictures in the gallery of Otranto, portentous of +something strange and terrible. 'Good heavens! my dear Miss Mortimer,' +exclaimed I, advancing towards her as she rose, and wiped the tears from +her eyes, 'surely something very distressing has happened to you.' + +'Nothing new has happened,' answered she, holding out her hand kindly +towards me; 'only I have an additional proof that I am, by nature, a +poor, timid, trustless creature.' + +'Ah!' cried I, 'do trust me. I can be as secret as the grave, and there +is nothing on earth I won't do to make you comfortable again.' + +'I thank you, dear Ellen,' answered Miss Mortimer; 'but I have no secret +to tell; and, to make me comfortable, you must minister to both body and +mind. I have long been trifling with a dangerous disorder. I have acted +in regard to it as we are wont to do in regard to the diseases of our +souls,--deceived myself as to its existence, because I feared to +encounter the cure,--and now I must submit to an operation so tedious, +so painful!'--She stopped, shuddering. I was so much shocked, that I had +scarcely power to enquire whether there were danger in the experiment. +'Some danger there must be,' said Miss Mortimer; 'but it is not the +danger which I fear. Even such cowards as I can meet that which they are +daily accustomed to contemplate. If it had been the will of Heaven, I +would rather have died than----But it is not for me to choose. Shall I +presume to reject any means by which my life may be prolonged? Often, +often have I vowed,' continued she with strong energy of manner, 'that I +would not "live to myself." And was all false and hollow? Was this but +the vow of the hypocrite, the self-deceiver?' + +'Oh no!' cried I, 'that is impossible. Before I knew you I might be +prejudiced. But now I see that you are always good,--always the same. +You cannot be a hypocrite.' + +This testimony, extorted from me by uniform, consistent uprightness, was +answered only by a distrustful shake of the head; for Miss Mortimer +habitually lent a suspicious ear to the praise of her own virtues; and +was accustomed to judge of her thoughts and actions, not by the opinion +of others, but by a careful comparison with the standard of excellence. +Tears trickled down her cheeks while she upbraided herself as one who, +having pretended to give up all, kept back a part; and even those tears +she reproached as symbols of distrust and fear, rather than of +repentance. We soon grow weary of witnessing strong feeling in which we +cannot fully sympathise. I hinted to Miss Mortimer that a short rest +would compose her spirits, and recruit her strength; and, having +persuaded her to lie down, I left her. + +Only a few months had passed since the fairest dream of pleasure would +have vanished from my mind at the thought that the life of the meanest +servant of our household was to hang upon the issue of a doubtful, +dangerous experiment. Only a few months had passed since the sufferings +of a friend would have banished sleep from my pillow, and joy from my +chosen delights. But intemperate pleasure is not more fatal to the +understanding than to the heart. It is not more adverse to the 'spirit +of a sound mind,' than to the 'spirit of love.' Social pleasures, call +we them! Let the name no more be prostituted to that which is poison to +every social feeling. Four months of dissipation had elapsed; and the +distress, the danger of my own friend, and my mother's friend, now made +no change in my scheme of pleasure for the evening. I was merely +perplexed how to impart that scheme to the poor invalid. Conscience, +indeed, did not fail to remind me, that to bestow this night upon +amusement was robbery of friendship and humanity; but I was unhappily +practised in the art of silencing her whispers. I assured myself that if +my presence could have been essentially useful to Miss Mortimer, I +should cheerfully have sacrificed my enjoyment to hers; but I was +certain that if I remained at home, the sight of her melancholy would +depress me so much as to make my company a mere burden. I endeavoured to +persuade myself that, after the scene of the morning, my spirits needed +a cordial; and a sudden fit of economy represented to me the impropriety +of throwing aside as useless, a dress which had cost an incredible sum. +At the recollection of this dress, my thoughts at once flew from +excusing my folly to anticipating its delights; and, in a moment, I was +already in the ball-room, surrounded with every pleasure, but those of +reason, taste, and virtue. + +This heartless selfishness may well awaken resentment or contempt; but +it ought not to excite surprise. The sickly child, whose helplessness +needs continual care, whose endless cravings require endless supplies, +whose incessant complainings extort incessant consolation, acquires the +undeserved partiality of his mother. The very flower which we have +cherished in the sunshine, and sheltered from the storm, attains, in +our regard, a value not its own; and whoever confines his cares, and his +ingenuity, to his own gratification, will find, that self-love is not +less rapid, or less vigorous in its progress, than any better affection +of the soul. + +All my endeavours, however, could not make me satisfied with my +determination. I therefore resorted to my convenient friend, with whose +honied words I could always qualify my self-upbraidings. I opened the +case, by saying, that I believed we should be obliged to give up the +masquerade after all; but I should have been terribly disappointed if +that opinion had passed uncontroverted. I was, however, in no danger. +Miss Arnold knew exactly when she might contradict without offence; and +did not fail to employ all her persuasion on the side where it was least +necessary. This question, therefore, was quickly settled; but another +still remained,--how were we to announce our purpose to Miss Mortimer? +With this part of the subject inclination had nothing to do; and +therefore we found this point so much more difficult to decide, that +when we were dressed, and ready to depart, the matter was still in +debate. + +It was, however, suddenly brought to an issue, by the appearance of Miss +Mortimer. She had remained alone in her apartment during the early part +of the evening; and now entered the drawing-room with her wonted aspect +of serene benevolence, a little 'sicklied o'er by the pale cast of +thought.' I involuntarily retreated behind Miss Arnold, who herself +could not help shrinking back. Miss Mortimer advanced towards her with +the most unconscious air of kindness. 'You are quite equipped for +conquest, Miss Arnold,' said she. 'I never saw any thing so gracefully +fantastic.' She had now obtained a view of my figure, and the truth +seemed to flash upon her at once; for she started, and changed colour. + +A dead silence followed, for indeed I did not dare to look up, much less +speak. Miss Arnold first recovered herself. 'Mr Percy,' said she, +endeavouring to speak carelessly, 'has given Ellen and me permission to +go out for an hour.' + +'Yes,' rejoined I hesitatingly, 'papa has given us leave, and we shall +only stay a very little while.'--Miss Mortimer made no answer. I stole a +glance at her, and saw that she was pale as death. I ventured a step +nearer to her. 'You are not very angry with us,' said I. + +'No, Miss Percy,' said she, in a low constrained voice; 'I never claimed +a right to dictate where you should or should not go. There was, +therefore, on this occasion, the less necessity for having recourse +to----' + +She left the sentence unfinished; but my conscience filled up the pause. +'Indeed, my dear Miss Mortimer,' said I, for at that moment I was +thoroughly humbled, 'I never meant to go without your knowledge. Miss +Arnold will tell you that we have been all day contriving how we should +mention it to you.' + +'Your word did not use to need confirmation,' said Miss Mortimer, +sighing heavily. 'I did hope,' continued she, 'that you would have +spared to me a part of this evening; for I have many things to say, and +this is the last----' + +Miss Mortimer stopped, cleared her throat, bit her quivering lip, and +began industriously to arrange the drapery upon my shoulder; but all +would not do,--she burst into tears. I could not withstand Miss +Mortimer's emotion, and, throwing my arms round her neck,--'My dear, +dear friend,' I cried, 'be angry with me, scold me as much as you will, +only do not grieve yourself. If I could once have guessed that you were +to be ill to-night, I should never have thought of this vile ball; and I +am sure, if it will please you, I will send away the carriage, and stay +at home still.' + +This proposal was perfectly sincere, but not very intelligible; for the +thought of such a sacrifice overpowered me so completely, that the last +words were choked with sobs. Miss Mortimer seemed at first to hesitate +whether she should not accept of my offer; but, after a few moments' +reflection, 'No, Ellen,' said she, 'I will not cause you so cruel a +disappointment; for surely--surely this masquerade has seized upon a +most disproportionate share of your wishes. You must soon be left to +your own discretion; and why should I impose an unavailing hardship? Go +then, my love, and be as happy as you can.' + +My heart leapt light at this concession. 'Dear, good, kind Miss +Mortimer,' cried I, kissing her cheek, 'do not be afraid of me. I assure +you, I shall be more discreet and prudent this evening than ever I was +in my life.' + +Miss Mortimer gave me an April smile. 'This is not much like the garb of +discretion,' said she, looking at my dress, which indeed approached the +utmost limit of fashionable allurement. 'It seems time that I should +cease to advise, else I should beg of you to make some little addition +to your dress. You may meet with people, even at a masquerade, who think +that no charm can atone for any defect of modesty; and I should imagine, +that your spirit would scarcely brook the remarks they might make.' + +'I am sure,' said I, with a blush which owed its birth as much to pique +as to shame, 'I never thought of being immodest, nor of any thing else, +except to look as well as I could; but if it will please you, I shall +get a tucker, and let you cover me as much as you will.' + +Miss Mortimer good-naturedly accepted this little office; saying, while +she performed it, 'it is a good principle in dress, that the chief use +of clothing is concealment. I am persuaded, that you would never offend +in this point, were you to remember, that if ever an exposed figure +pleases, it must be in some way in which no modest woman would wish to +please.' + +Meanwhile Miss Arnold, who was even more impatient than myself to be +gone, had ordered the carriage to the door. Miss Mortimer took leave of +me with a seriousness of manner approaching to solemnity; and we +departed. The moment we were alone, Juliet proposed to undo Miss +Mortimer's labours, declaring that 'they had quite made a fright of me.' +Fortunately for such a world as this, the most questionable principle +may produce insulated acts of propriety. My pride for once espoused the +right side. 'Forbear, Juliet!' cried I indignantly. 'Would you have +people to look at me as they do at the very outcasts of womankind,--some +with pity, some with scorn?' + +Miss Arnold's 'hour' had elapsed long before the concourse of carriages +would allow us to alight at Lady St Edmunds' door. On my first entrance, +I was so bewildered by the confusion of the scene, and the grotesque +figures of the masks, that I could scarcely recognise the mistress of +the revels, although we had previously concerted the dress which she was +to wear. She presently, however, relieved this dilemma, by addressing me +in character; though she was, or pretended to be, unable to penetrate my +disguise. The tinge of seriousness which Miss Mortimer had left upon my +spirits being aided by the alarm created by so many unsightly shapes, I +determined not to quit Lady St Edmunds' side during the evening; and was +just going to tell her my name in a whisper, when I was accosted by a +Grand Signior, whom, in spite of his disguise, I thought I discovered to +be Lord Frederick de Burgh. I was somewhat surprised at this coincidence +in our characters, as I had kept that in which I intended to appear a +profound secret from all but Miss Arnold, who protested that she had +never breathed it to any human being. Lord Frederick, however, for I was +convinced that it was he, addressed me as a stranger; and, partly from +the vanity of pleasing in a new character, I answered in the same +strain. We were speedily engaged in a conversation, in the course of +which a conviction of our previous acquaintance placed me so much at +ease with my Turk, that I felt little disturbance, when, on looking +round, I perceived that our matron had mingled with the crowd, leaving +Miss Arnold and me to his protection. I supposed, however, to my friend, +that we should go in search of Lady St Edmunds; and, still attended by +our Grand Signior, we began our round. + +And here let me honestly confess, that my pastime very poorly +compensated the concealment, anxiety, and remorse which it had already +cost me. Even novelty, that idol of spoilt children, could scarcely +defend me from weariness and disgust. In the more intellectual part of +my anticipated amusement I was completely disappointed; for the attempts +made to support character were few and feeble. The whole entertainment, +for the sake of which I had broken my promise, implied, if not +expressed,--for the sake of which I had given the finishing stroke to +the unkindness, ingratitude, and contumacy of my behaviour towards my +mother's friend,--amounted to nothing more than looking at a multitude +of motley habits, for the most part mean, tawdry, and unbecoming; and +listening to disjointed dialogues, consisting of dull questions and +unmeaning answers, thinly bestrown with constrained witticisms, and puns +half a century old. The easy flow of conversation, which makes even +trifles pass agreeably, was destroyed by the supposed necessity of being +smart; and the eloquence of the human eye, of the human smile, was +wanting to add interest to what was vapid, and kindliness to what was +witty. Lord Frederick, indeed, did what he could to enliven the scene. +He pointed out the persons whom he knew through their disguises; and +desired me to observe how generally each affected the character which he +found the least attainable in common life. 'That,' said he, 'is +Glendower in the dress of a conjurer. That virgin of the sun is Lady +B----, whose divorce-bill is to be before the House to-morrow. That +Minerva is Lady Maria de Burgh; and that figure next to her is Miss +Sarah Winterfield, who has stuck a flaxen wig upon her grizzled pate +that she may for once pass for a Venus.' + +'If I am to judge by your rule,' said I, 'you must be content to be +taken for some Christian slave, snatching a transitory greatness.' + +'You guess well, fair Fatima; I am indeed a slave; and these royal robes +are meant to conceal my chains from all but my lovely mistress.' + +'Why then do you confess them so freely to me?' + +'Because I am persuaded that this envious mask conceals the face of my +sultana.' + +'No, no; by your rule I must be some stern old gouvernante, who have +locked up your sultana, and come to seize the pleasures which I deny to +her.' + +'Oh! here my rule is useless; for, from what I see, I can guess very +correctly what is concealed. For instance, there is first a pair of +saucy hazel eyes, sparkling through their long fringes. Cheeks of +roses----' + +'Pshaw! commonplace----' + +'Nay, not common vulgar country roses--but living and speaking, like the +roses in a poet's fancy.' + +'Well, that's better, go on.' + +'A sly, mischievous, dimple, that, Parthian-like, kills and is fled.' + +'You can guess flatteringly, I see.' + +'Yes; and truly too. Nature would never mould a form like this, and +leave her work imperfect; therefore there is but one face that can +belong to it; and that face is--Miss Percy's.' + +'And I think nature would never have bestowed such talents for flattery +without giving a corresponding dauntlessness of countenance; and that I +am persuaded belongs only to Lord Frederick de Burgh.' + +My attention was diverted from the Sultan's reply by a deep low voice, +which, seemingly close to my ear, pronounced the words, 'Use caution; +you have need of it.' I started, and turned to see who had spoken; but a +crowd of masks were round us, and I could not distinguish the speaker, I +applied to Miss Arnold and the Turk, but neither of them had observed +the circumstance. I was rather inclined to ascribe it to chance, not +conceiving that any one present could be interested in advising me; yet +the solemn tone in which the words were uttered, uniting with the +impression which, almost unknown to myself, Miss Mortimer's averseness +to my present situation had left upon my mind, I again grew anxious to +find protection with Lady St Edmunds. + +Being now a little more in earnest in my search, I soon discovered the +object of it, and I immediately made myself known to her. Lady St +Edmunds appeared to receive the intelligence with delighted surprise, +and reproached me kindly with having concealed myself so long; then +suddenly transferred her reproaches to herself for having, even for a +moment, overlooked my identity, 'since, however disguised, my figure +remained as unique as that of the Medicean Venus.' I can smile now at +the simplicity with which I swallowed this and a hundred other +absurdities of the same kind. A superior may always apply his flattery +with very little caution, secure that it will be gratefully received; +and the young are peculiarly liable to its influence, because their +estimate of themselves being as yet but imperfectly formed, they are +glad of any testimony on the pleasing side. + +I kept my station for some time between Lady St Edmunds and Lord +Frederick, drinking large draughts of vanity and pleasure, till Miss +Mortimer and my unknown adviser were alike forgotten. A group of +Spaniards having finished a fandango, the Countess proposed that Lord +Frederick and I should succeed them in a Turkish dance. A faint +recollection crossed my mind of the disgust with which I had read a +description of this Mahometan exhibition, so well suited to those whose +prospective sensuality extends even beyond the grave. I refused, +therefore, alleging ignorance as my excuse; but, as I had an absolute +passion for dancing, I offered to join in any more common kind of my +favourite exercise. Lady St Edmunds, however, insisted that, unless in +character, it would be awkward to dance at all; and that I might easily +copy the Turkish dances which I had seen performed upon the stage. These +had, so far as I could see, no resemblance to the licentious spectacles +of which I had read, excepting what consisted in the shameless attire of +the performers, in which I sincerely believe that the _Christian_ +dancing-women have pre-eminence. Blessed be the providential +arrangements which make the majority of womankind bow to the restraints +of public opinion! Hardened depravity may despise them, piety may +sacrifice them to a sense of duty: but, in the intermediate classes, +they hold the place of wisdom and of virtue. They direct many a judgment +which ought not to rely on itself; they aid faltering rectitude with the +strength of numbers; for, degenerate as we are, numbers are still upon +the side of feminine decorum. Had I been unmasked, no earthly inducement +would have made me consent to this blamable act of levity; but, in the +intoxication of spirits which was caused by the adulation of my +companions, the consciousness that I was unknown to all but my tempters +induced me to yield, and I suffered Lord Frederick to lead me out. Yet, +concealed, as I fancied myself, I performed with a degree of +embarrassment which must have precluded all grace; though this +embarrassment only served to enhance the praises which were lavished on +me by Lord Frederick. + +When the dance was ended, and I was going eagerly to rejoin Lady St +Edmunds, I looked round for her in vain; but Miss Arnold, with an +acquaintance who had joined her, waited for me, and once more we set out +in search of our erratic hostess. In the course of our progress, we +passed a buffet spread with wines, ices, and sherbets. Exhausted with +the heat occasioned by the crowd, my mask, and the exercise I had just +taken, I was going to swallow an ice; when Lord Frederick, vehemently +dissuading me from so dangerous a refreshment, poured out a large glass +of champagne, and insisted upon my drinking it. I had raised it to my +lips, when I again heard the same low solemn voice which had before +addressed me. 'Drink sparingly,' it said, 'the cup is poisoned.' Looking +hastily round, I thought I discovered that the warning came from a +person in a black domino; but in his air and figure I could trace +nothing which was familiar to my recollection. My thoughts, I know not +why, glanced towards Mr Maitland; but there was no affinity whatever +between his tall athletic figure, and the spare, bending diminutive form +of the black domino. + +No metaphorical meaning occurring to my mind, the caution of the mask +appeared so manifestly absurd, that I concluded it to be given in jest; +and, with a careless smile, drank the liquor off. Through my previous +fatigue, it produced an immediate effect upon my spirits, which rose to +an almost extravagant height. I rattled, laughed; and, but for the +crowd, would have skipped along the chalked floors, as I again passed +from room to room in quest of Lady St Edmunds. Our search, however was +vain. In none of the crowded apartments was Lady St Edmunds to be found. + +In traversing one of the lobbies, we observed a closed door; Lord +Frederick threw it open, and we entered, still followed by Miss Arnold +and her companion. The room to which it led was splendidly furnished. +Like the rest of those we had seen, it was lighted up, and supplied with +elegant refreshments. But it was entirely unoccupied, and the fresh +coolness of the air formed a delightful contrast to the loaded +atmosphere which we had just quitted. Having shut out the crowd, Lord +Frederick, throwing himself on the sofa by my side, advised me to lay +aside my mask; and the relief was too agreeable to be rejected. He +himself unmasked also, and, handsome as he always undoubtedly was, I +think never saw him appear to such advantage. While Miss Arnold and her +companion busied themselves in examining the drawings which hung round +the room, Lord Frederick whispered in my ear a hundred flatteries, +seasoned with that degree of passion, which, according to the humour of +the hour, destroys all their power to please, or makes them doubly +pleasing. If I know myself, I never felt the slightest spark of real +affection for Lord Frederick; yet, whether it was that pleased vanity +can sometimes take the form of inclination, or whether, to say all in +Miss Mortimer's words, 'having ventured upon the tempter's own ground, +better spirits had forsaken me,' I listened to my admirer with a favour +different from any which I had ever before shown him. + +I even carried this folly so far as to suffer him to detain me after +Miss Arnold and her companion had quitted the room, although I began to +suspect that I could already discern the effects of the wine, which, +from time to time, he swallowed freely. Not that it appeared to affect +his intellects; on the contrary, it seemed to inspire him with +eloquence; for he pleaded his passion with increasing ardour, and +pursued every advantage in my sportive opposition, with a subtlety which +I had never suspected him of possessing. He came at length to the point +of proposing an expedition to Scotland, urging it with a warmth and +dexterity which I was puzzled how to evade. In this hour of folly, I +mentally disposed of his request among the subjects which might deserve +to be reconsidered. Meantime, I opposed the proposal with a playful +resistance, which I intended should leave my sentence in suspense, but +which I have since learnt to know that lovers prefer to more direct +victory. Lord Frederick at first affected the raptures of a successful +petitioner; and though I contrived to set him right in this particular, +his extravagance increased, till I began to wish for some less elevated +companion. He was even in the act of attempting to snatch a kiss,--for a +lord in the inspiration of champagne is not many degrees more gentle or +respectful than a clown,--when the door flew open, and admitted Lady +Maria de Burgh, Mrs Sarah Winterfield, and my black domino. + +Our indiscretions never flash more strongly upon our view than when +reflected from the eye of an enemy. All the impropriety of my situation +bursting upon me at once, the blood rushed in boiling torrents to my +face and neck; while Mrs Sarah, with a giggle, in which envy mingled +with triumphant detection, exclaimed, 'Bless my heart! we have +interrupted a flirtation!'--'A flirtation!' repeated Lady Maria, with a +toss expressive of ineffable disdain; while I, for the first time, +shrinking from her eye, stood burning with shame and anger. Lord +Frederick's spirits were less fugitive:--'Damn it!' cried he +impatiently, 'if either of you had a thousandth part of this lady's +charms, you might expect a man sometimes to forget himself; but I'll +answer for it, neither of you is in any danger. Forgive me, I beseech +you, dear Miss Percy,' continued he, turning to me: 'if you would not +make me the most unhappy fellow in England, you must forgive me.' But I +was in no humour to be conciliated by a compliment, even at the expense +of Lady Maria. 'Oh! certainly, my Lord,' returned I, glancing from him +to his sister; 'I can consider impertinence and presumption only as +diseases which run in the family.' I tried to laugh as I uttered this +sally; but the effort failed, and I burst into tears. + +Lord Frederick, now really disconcerted, endeavoured to soothe me by +every means in his power; while the two goddesses stood viewing us with +shrugs and sneers, and the black domino appeared to contemplate the +scene with calm curiosity. More mortified than ever by my own +imbecility, I turned from them all, uttering some impatient reflection +on the inattention of my hostess. 'She will not be so difficult of +discovery _now_,' said the black domino sarcastically; 'you will find +her with your convenient friend in the great drawing-room.' I followed +the direction of my mysterious inspector, and found Lady St Edmunds, as +he had said, in company with Miss Arnold. + +Angrily reproaching my friend with her unseasonable desertion, and even +betraying some displeasure against the charming Countess, I announced my +intention of returning home immediately. Lady St Edmunds endeavoured to +dissuade me, but I was inflexible; and at last Lord Frederick, who still +obsequiously attended me, offered to go and enquire for my carriage. 'I +commit my sultana to you,' said he, with an odd kind of emphasis to his +aunt. She seemed fully inclined to accept the trust; for she assailed my +ill-humour with such courteous submissions, such winning blandishments, +such novel remark, and such amusing repartee, that, in spite of myself, +I recovered both temper and spirits. + +Such was the fascination which she could exercise at pleasure, that I +scarcely observed the extraordinary length of time which Lord Frederick +took to execute his mission. I was beginning, however, to wonder that he +did not return, when I was once more accosted by the black domino. +'Infatuated girl!' said he, in the low impressive whisper, to which I +now began to listen with alarm, 'whither are you going?' + +'Home,' returned I, 'where I wish I had been an hour ago.' + +'Are you false as well as weak?' rejoined the mask. 'You are not +destined to see home this night.' + +'Not see home!' repeated I, with amazement. 'What is it you mean,--or +have you any meaning beyond a teasing jest?' + +'I know,' replied the mask, 'that the carriage waits which conveys you +to Scotland.' + +I started at the odd coincidence between the stranger's intelligence and +my previous conversation with Lord Frederick. Yet a moment's +consideration convinced me, that his behaviour either proceeded from +waggery or mistake. 'Get better information,' said I, 'before you +commence fortune-teller. It is my father's carriage and servants that +wait for me.' + +The mask shook his head, and retreated without answering. I enquired of +Lady St Edmunds whether she knew him, but she was unacquainted with his +appearance. I was just going to relate to her the strange conversation +which he had carried on with me in an under-voice, when Lord Frederick +returned to tell me, that the carriage was at the door; adding, that he +feared he must hasten me, lest it should be obliged to drive off. +Hastily taking leave of Lady St Edmunds, Miss Arnold and I took each an +arm of Lord Frederick, and hurried down stairs. + +My foot was already on the step of the carriage, when I suddenly +recoiled:-- + +'This is not our carriage?' cried I. + +'It is mine, which is the same thing,' said Lord Frederick. + +'No, no! it is not the same,' said I, with quickness; the warning of the +black domino flashing on my recollection. 'I should greatly prefer going +in my own.' + +'I fear,' returned Lord Frederick, 'that it will be impossible for yours +to come up in less than an hour or two.' + +I own, I felt some pleasure on hearing him interrupted by the voice of +my strange adviser. 'If Miss Percy will trust to me,' said he, 'I shall +engage to place her in her carriage, in one tenth part of that time.' + +'Trust you!' cried Lord Frederick very angrily.--'And who are you?' + +'Miss Percy's guard for the present,' answered the mask dryly. + +'Her guard!' exclaimed Lord Frederick. 'From whom?' + +'From you, my Lord, if you make it necessary,' retorted the stranger. + +'Oh mercy,' interrupted Miss Arnold, 'here will be a quarrel:--do, for +heaven's sake, Ellen, let us be gone.' + +'Do not alarm yourself, young lady,' said the stranger, in a sarcastic +tone; 'the dispute will end very innocently. Miss Percy, let me lead you +to your carriage; or, if you prefer remaining here while I go in search +of it, for once show yourself firm, and resist every attempt to entice +you from this spot.' + +I embraced the latter alternative, and the stranger left us. The moment +he was gone, Miss Arnold began to wonder who the impudent officious +fellow could be, and to enquire whether we were to wait his pleasure in +the lobby for the rest of the night. She protested her belief, that I +had been infected by that precise old maid Miss Mortimer; and could by +no means imagine what was my objection to Lord Frederick's carriage. I +coldly persisted in preferring my own, though my suspicions were +staggered by the readiness with which Lord Frederick appeared to +acquiesce in my decision. Notwithstanding his impatience at the +stranger's first interference, he now treated the matter so carelessly, +that my doubts were fast giving ground, when the black domino returned, +followed by one of my servants, who informed me that my carriage was now +easily accessible. + +Leaving Lord Frederick to Miss Arnold, I gave my hand to my mysterious +guardian; and, curiosity mingling with a desire to show some little +return of civility, I enquired, whether he would allow me to set him +down. The stranger declined; but, offering to escort me home, took his +place by my side; giving orders to a servant in a plain but handsome +livery, that his chariot should follow him to Mr Percy's. + +During our drive, I was occupied in endeavouring to discover the name of +my unknown attendant, and the means by which he had gained his +intelligence. Upon the first point he was utterly impracticable. Upon +the second, he frankly declared, that having no business at the +masquerade, except to watch me and those with whom I appeared connected +for the evening, he had, without difficulty, traced all our motions; but +why he had chosen such an office he refused to discover. When he again +mentioned the intended expedition to Scotland, Miss Arnold averred that +she was lost in astonishment, and asserted her utter incredulity. I too +expressed my doubts; alleging, that Lord Frederick could not believe me +weak enough to acquiesce in such an outrage. 'As I have not the honour +of Miss Percy's acquaintance,' returned the stranger dryly, 'I cannot +determine, whether a specious flatterer had reason to despair of +reconciling her to a breach of propriety.' The glow of offended pride +rose to my cheek; but the carriage stopped, and I had no time to reply; +for the stranger instantly took his leave. + +As soon as he was gone, Miss Arnold grew more fervent in her expressions +of wonder at his strange conduct, and his more strange discovery, of +which she repeated her entire disbelief. I had no defined suspicion of +my friend, nor even any conviction of Lord Frederick's intended +treachery; but I perceived that there was something in the events of the +night which I could not unravel; and, weary and bewildered, I listened +to her without reply. + +We were about to separate for the night, when a servant brought me a +note which, he said, he had found in the bottom of the carriage. It was +not mine; it belonged to the stranger. 'Oh now!' cried Miss Arnold, +eagerly advancing to look at it, 'we shall discover the mystery.' But I +was not in a communicative humour; so, putting the note in my pocket, I +bade her good night more coldly than I had ever done before, and retired +to my chamber. + +The note was addressed to a person known to me only by character; but +one whose name commands the respect of the wise, and the love of the +virtuous. The hand-writing, I thought, was that of Mr Maitland. This +circumstance strongly excited my curiosity. But, could I take a base +advantage of the accident which empowered me to examine a paper never +meant for my inspection? The thing was not to be thought of; and I +turned my reflections to the events of the evening. + +Nothing agreeable attended the retrospect. Conscience, an after-wise +counsellor, upbraided me with the futility of that pleasure which I had +purchased at the price of offending my own friend, and my mother's +friend. The temptation, which in its approach had allured me with the +forms of life and joy, had passed by; and to the backward glance, seemed +all lifeless and loathsome. Unknown and concealed, I had failed to +attract the attention which was now becoming customary to me. Lady St +Edmunds, whose society had been my chief attraction to this ill-fated +masquerade, had appeared rather to shun than to seek me. Above all, the +indecorous situation in which I had been surprised by Lady Maria, and +the aspect which her malice might give to my indiscretion, haunted me, +like an evil genius, meeting my 'mind's eye' at every turn. + +I was glad to revert from these tormenting thoughts, to my speculations +concerning the black domino. I was unable to divine the motive which +could induce a stranger to interest himself in my conduct. I fancied, +indeed, that I recognised Mr Maitland's hand-writing; and thought for a +moment that he might have instigated my mysterious protector. But what +concern had Mr Maitland in my behaviour? What interest could I possibly +have excited in the composed, stately, impracticable Mr Maitland? +Besides, I was neither sure that he really was the writer of the note, +nor that its contents had any reference to me. I again carefully +examined the address, but still I remained in doubt. There could be no +_great_ harm, I thought, in looking merely at the signature. I threw the +cautious glance of guilt round the room, and then ventured to convince +myself. Before I could restore the note to its folds, I had undesignedly +read a few words which roused my eager curiosity. Almost unconscious of +what I was doing, I finished the sentence which contained them. + +Those who are accustomed to watch the progress of temptation, will be at +no loss to guess the issue of this ominous first step. Had I been +earnest in my resolution to pursue the right path, I ought to have put +it out of my own power to choose the wrong. As it was, I first +wished--then doubted--hesitated--ventured--and ventured farther--till +there was nothing left for curiosity to desire, or honour to forego. The +note was as follows:-- + + 'My dear sir,--Our worthy friend, Miss Mortimer, has just now sent + to beg that I will follow her young charge to Lady St E's masked + ball, whither she has been decoyed by that unprincipled woman. I + fear there is some sinister purpose against this poor thoughtless + girl. But it is impossible for me to go. The great cause which I am + engaged to plead to-morrow must not be postponed to any personal + consideration. Will you then undertake the office which I must + refuse? Will you watch over the safety of this strange being, who + needs an excuse every moment, and finds one in every heart? She + must not, and shall not, be entrapped by that heartless Lord F. He + cannot love her. He may covet her fortune--perhaps her person too, + as he would covet any other fashionable gewgaw; but he is safe from + the witchery of her _naif_ sensibility, her lovely singleness of + mind. I enclose the description which has been sent me of her + dress. Should another wear one similar, you will distinguish Miss + Percy by a peculiar elegance of air and motion. She is certainly + the most graceful of women. Or you may know her by the inimitable + beauty of her arm. I once saw it thrown round her father's neck. My + dear friend, if you are not most particularly engaged, lose not a + moment. She is already among these designing people. I have told + you that I am interested in her, for the sake of Miss Mortimer; but + I did not express half the interest I feel. + + 'Yours faithfully, + 'H. MAITLAND.' + +In spite of the checks of conscience, I read this billet with +exultation. I skipped before my looking-glass; and, tossing back the +long tresses which I had let fall on my shoulders, surveyed with no +small complacency the charms which were acknowledged by the stoical Mr +Maitland. Then I again glanced over some of his expressions, wondering +what kind of interest it was that he had 'left half told.' Was it love? +thought I. But when I recollected his general manner towards me, I was, +in spite of vanity and the billet, obliged to doubt. I resolved, +however, to ascertain the point; 'and if he be readily caught,' thought +I, 'what glorious revenge will I take for all his little sly sarcasms.' +To play off a fool was nothing; that I could do every day. But the +grave, wise Mr Maitland would be so divertingly miserable, that I was in +raptures at the prospect of my future amusement. + +Along with this inundation of vanity, however, came its faithful +attendant, vexation of spirit. I could not doubt, that the domino would +report to his employer the events of the evening. I knew that Mr +Maitland's notions of feminine decorum were particularly strict; and I +felt almost as much chagrined by the thought of his being made +acquainted with the real extent of my indiscretion, as by the prospect +of the form which it might take in the world's eye under the colouring +of Lady Maria's malice. Harassed with fatigue, my mind tossed between +self-accusings, disappointment, curiosity, and mortification, I passed a +restless night; nor was it till late in the morning that I fell into a +feverish unquiet slumber. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + _Think you the soul, when this life's rattles cease, + Has nothing of more manly to succeed! + Contract the taste immortal. Learn e'en now + To relish what alone subsists hereafter._ + + Young + + +The next morning, on entering the breakfast-parlour, the first object +which met my eye was Miss Mortimer, in a travelling dress. +Notwithstanding our conversation on the preceding day, the consciousness +of having done amiss made me ascribe her departure, or at least the +suddenness of it, to displeasure against me; and, 'soon moved with touch +of blame,' I would not deign to notice the circumstance, but took my +place at the breakfast-table in surly silence. Our meal passed gloomily +enough. I sat trying to convince myself that Miss Mortimer was +unreasonably offended; my father wrinkled his dark brows till his eyes +were scarcely visible; Miss Arnold fidgeted upon her chair; and Miss +Mortimer bent over her untasted chocolate, stealing up her fingers now +and then to arrest the tear ere it reached her cheek. + +'Truly, Miss Mortimer,' said my father at last, 'I must say I think it a +little strange that you should leave us so suddenly, before we have had +time to provide a person to be with Ellen.' This speech, or the manner +in which it was spoken, roused Miss Mortimer; for she answered with a +degree of spirit which broke upon the meekness of her usual manner like +summer lightning on the twilight. 'While I had a hope of being useful to +Miss Percy,' said she, 'I was willing to doubt of the necessity for +leaving her; but every such hope must end since it is judged advisable +to use concealment with me. Besides, I am now fully aware of my +situation. Dr ---- has told me that any delay will be fatal to all +chance of success.' + +'Well,' said my father, 'every one is the best judge of his own affairs; +but my opinion is that you had better have staid where you are. You +might have had my family surgeon to attend you when you chose, without +expense. I take it your accommodations would have been somewhat +different from what you can have in that confined hovel of yours.' + +Miss Mortimer shook her head. 'I cannot doubt your liberality, sir,' +said she; 'but the very name of home compensates many a want; and I find +it is doubly dear to the sick and the dying.' + +Miss Mortimer's last words, and the sound of her carriage as it drove to +the door, brought our comfortless meal to a close; and, in a mood +between sorrow and anger, I retreated to a window, where I stood gazing +as steadfastly into the street, as if I had really observed what was +passing there. I did not venture to look round while I listened to Miss +Mortimer's last farewell to my father; and I averted my face still more +when she drew near and took the hand which hung listless by my side. +'Ellen,' said her sweet plaintive voice, 'shall we not part friends?' + +I would have given the universe at that moment for the obduracy to utter +a careless answer; but it was impossible:--so I stretched my neck as if +to watch somewhat at the farther end of the street, though in truth my +eyes were dim with tears more bitter than those of sorrow. Miss Mortimer +for a while stood by me silent, and when she spoke, her voice was broken +with emotion. 'Perhaps we may meet again,' whispered she, 'if I live, +perhaps. I know it is in vain to tell you now that you are leaning on a +broken reed; but if it should pierce you--if worldly pleasures fail +you--if you should ever long for the sympathy of a faithful heart, will +you think of me, Ellen? Will you remember your natural, unalienable +right over her whom your mother loved and trusted?' + +I answered not. Indeed I could not answer. My father and Miss Arnold +were present; and, in the cowardice of pride, I could not dare the +humiliation of exposing to them the better feeling which swelled my +heart to bursting,--I snatched my hand from the grasp of my friend,--my +only real friend,--darted from her presence, and shut myself up alone. + +By mere accident the place of my refuge was my mother's parlour. All was +there as she had left it; for when the other apartments were new +modelled to the fashion of the day, I had rescued hers from change. +There lay the drawing-case where she had sketched flowers for me. There +was the work-box where I had ravelled her silks unchidden. There stood +the footstool on which I used to sit at her feet; and there stood the +couch on which at last the lovely shadow leaned, when she was wasting +away from our sight. 'Oh mother, mother!' I cried aloud; 'mother who +loved me so fondly, who succoured me with thy life! is this my gratitude +for all thy love! Thou hadst one friend, one dear and true to thee; and +I have slighted, abused, driven her from me, sick and dying! Oh why +didst thou cast away thy precious life for such a heartless, thankless +thing as I am!' + +My well-deserved self-reproach was interrupted by something that touched +me. It was poor Fido; who, laying his paw upon my knee, looked up in my +face, and gave a short low whine, as if enquiring what ailed me? 'Fido! +poor Fido!' said I, 'what right have I to you?--you should have been +Miss Mortimer's. She would not misuse even a dog of my mother's. Go, +go!' I continued, as the poor creature still fawned on me; 'all kindness +is lost upon _me_. Miss Mortimer better deserves to have the only living +memorial of her friend.' + +The parting steps of my neglected monitress now sounded on my ear as she +passed to the carriage; and, catching my little favourite up in my arms, +I sprang towards the door. 'I will bid her keep him for my mother's +sake,' thought I, 'and ask her too, for my mother's sake, to pardon me.' +My hand was on the lock, when I heard Miss Arnold's voice, uttering, +unmoved, a cold parting compliment; and I was not yet sufficiently +humbled to let her witness my humiliation. I did not dare to meet the +stoical scrutiny of her eye, and hastily retreated from the door. After +a moment's hesitation I pulled the bell, and a servant came, 'Take that +dog to Miss Mortimer,' said I, turning away to hide my swollen eyes, +'and tell her I beg as a particular favour that she will carry him away +with her--he has grown intolerably troublesome.' The man stood staring +in inquisitive surprise; for all the household knew that Fido was my +passion. 'Why don't you do as you are desired?' cried I, impatiently. +The servant disappeared with my favourite; I listened till I heard the +carriage drive off; then threw myself on my mother's couch, and wept +bitterly. + +But the dispositions which mingled with my sorrow foreboded its +transient duration. My faults stood before me as frightful +apparitions,--objects of terror, not of examination; and I hastened to +shut them from my offended sight. I quickly turned from reproaching my +own persevering rejection of Miss Mortimer's counsels, to blame her +method of counselling. Why would she always take such a timid, +circuitous way of advising me? If she had told me directly that she +suspected Lord Frederick of wishing to entrap me at that odious +masquerade, I was sure that I should have consented to stay at home; and +I repeated to myself again and again, that I was sure I should,--as we +sometimes do in our soliloquies, when we are not quite so sure as we +wish to be. + +Glad to turn my thoughts from a channel in which nothing pleasurable was +to be found, I now reverted to the incidents of the former evening. But +there, too, all was comfortless or obscure. The situation in which I had +been surprised by Lady Maria was gall and wormwood to my recollection. I +could neither endure nor forbear to anticipate the form which the +ingenuity of hatred might give to the story of my indiscretion; and, +while I pictured myself already the object of sly sarcasm,--of direct +reproach,--of insulting pity,--every vein throbbed feverishly with proud +impatience of disgrace, and redoubled hatred of my enemy. In the tumult +of my thoughts, a wish crossed my mind, that I had once sheltered myself +from calumny, and inflicted vengeance on my foe, by consenting to +accompany Lord Frederick to Scotland; but this was only the thought of a +moment; and the next I relieved my mind from the crowd of tormenting +images which pressed upon it, by considering whether my lover had really +meditated a bold experiment upon my pliability, or whether my masquerade +friend had been mistaken in his intelligence. Finding myself unable to +solve this question, I went to seek the assistance of Miss Arnold. I was +told she was abroad; and, after wondering a little whither she could +have gone without acquainting me, I ordered the carriage, and went to +escape from my doubts, and from myself, by a consultation with Lady St +Edmunds. + +Her Ladyship's servant seemed at first little inclined to admit me; but +observing that a hackney coach moved from the door to let my barouche +draw up, I concluded that my friend was at home, and resolutely made my +way into the house. The servant, seeing me determined, ushered me into a +back drawing-room; where, after waiting some time, I was joined by Lady +St Edmunds. She never received me with more seeming kindness. She +regretted having been detained from me so long; wondered at the +stupidity of her domestics in denying her at any time to me; and thanked +me most cordially for having made good my entrance. In the course of our +conversation, I related, so far as it was known to me, the whole story +of the mask; and ended by asking her opinion of the affair. She listened +to my tale with every appearance of curiosity and interest; and, when I +paused for a reply, declared, without hesitation, that she considered +the whole interference and behaviour of my strange protector as a jest. +I opposed this opinion, and Lady St Edmunds defended it; till I +inadvertently confessed that I had private reasons for believing him to +be perfectly serious. Her Ladyship's countenance now expressed a lively +curiosity, but I was too much ashamed of my 'private reasons' to +acknowledge them; and she was either too polite to urge me, or confident +of gaining the desired information by less direct means. + +Finding me assured upon this point, she averred that the information +given by my black domino, if not meant in jest, must at least have +originated in mistake. 'These prying geniuses,' said she, 'will always +find a mystery, or make one. But of this I am sure, Frederick has too +much of your own open undesigning temper to entrap you; even though,' +added she, with a sly smile, 'he were wholly without hopes from +persuasion.' I was defending myself in some confusion from this attack, +when Lady St Edmunds interrupted me by crying out, 'Oh I can guess now +how this mystery of yours has been manufactured! I have this moment +recollected that Frederick intended setting out early this morning for +Lincolnshire. Probably he might go the first stage in the carriage which +took him home from the ball; and your black domino having discovered +this circumstance, has knowingly worked it up into a little romance.' + +Glad to escape from the uneasiness of suspicion, and perhaps from the +necessity of increasing my circumspection, I eagerly laid hold on this +explanation, and declared myself perfectly satisfied; but Lady St +Edmunds, who seemed anxious to make my conviction as complete as +possible, insisted on despatching a messenger to enquire into her +nephew's motions. + +She left the room for this purpose; and I almost unconsciously began to +turn over some visiting cards which were strewed on her table. One of +them bore Miss Arnold's name, underneath which this sentence was written +in French: 'Admit me for five minutes; I have something particular to +say.' These words were pencilled, and so carelessly, that I was not +absolutely certain of their being Miss Arnold's hand-writing. I was +still examining this point, when Lady St Edmunds returned; and, quite +unsuspectingly, I showed her the card; asking her smiling, 'What was +this deep mystery of Juliet's?' + +'That?' said Lady St Edmunds;--'oh, that was--a--let me see--upon my +word, I have forgotten what it was--a consultation about a cap, or a +feather, or some such important affair--I suppose it has lain on that +table these six months.' + +'Six months!' repeated I simply. 'I did not know that you had been so +long acquainted.' + +'How amusingly precise you are!' cried Lady St Edmunds, laughing. 'I did +not mean to say exactly six times twenty-nine days and six hours, but +merely that the story is so old that I have not the least recollection +of the matter.' + +She then immediately changed the subject. With a countenance full of +concern, and with apologies for the liberty she took, she begged that I +would enable her to contradict a malicious tale which, she said, Lady +Maria de Burgh had, after I left the masquerade, half-hinted, half-told, +to almost every member of the company. Ready to weep with vexation, I +was obliged to confess that the tale was not wholly unfounded; and I +related the affair as it had really happened. Lady St Edmunds lifted her +hands and eyes, ejaculating upon the effects of malice and envy in such +a manner, as convinced me that my indiscretion had been dreadfully +aggravated in the narration; but when I pressed to know the particulars, +she drew back, as if unwilling to wound me further, and even affected to +make light of the whole affair. She declared that, being now acquainted +with the truth, she should find it very easy to defend me:--'At all +events,' added she, 'considering the terms on which you and Frederick +stand with each other, nobody, except an old prude or two, will think +the matter worth mentioning.' I was going to protest against this ground +of acquittal, when the servant came to inform his mistress aloud, that +Lord Frederick had set out for Lincolnshire at five o'clock that +morning. This confirmation of Lady St Edmunds' conjecture entirely +removed my suspicions; and convinced me, that my black domino, having +executed his commission with more zeal than discernment, had utterly +mistaken Lord Frederick's intentions. + +Some other visiters being now admitted, I left Lady St Edmunds, and +ordered my carriage home, intending to take up Miss Arnold before I +began my usual morning rounds. At the corner of Bond Street, the +overturn of a heavy coal-waggon had occasioned considerable +interruption; and, while one line of carriages passed cautiously on, +another was entirely stopped. My dexterous coachman, experienced in +surmounting that sort of difficulty, contrived to dash into the moving +line. As we slowly passed along, I thought I heard Miss Arnold's voice. +She was urging the driver of a hackney coach to proceed, while he +surlily declared, 'that he would not break his line and have his wheels +torn off to please anybody.' The coach had in its better days been the +property of an acquaintance of mine, whose arms were still blazoned on +the panel; and this circumstance made me distinctly remember, that it +was the same which I had seen that morning at Lady St Edmunds' door. + +On observing me, Miss Arnold at first drew back; but presently +afterwards looked out, and nodding familiarly, made a sign for me to +stop and take her into my barouche. I obeyed the signal; but not, I must +own, with the cordial good-will which usually impelled me towards Miss +Arnold. My friend's manner, however, did not partake of the restraint of +mine. To my cold enquiry, 'where she had been,' she answered, with ready +frankness, that she had been looking at spring silks in a shop at the +end of the street. In spite of the manner in which this assertion was +made, I must own that I was not entirely satisfied of its truth. The +incident of the hackney-coach, and the words which I had seen written on +the card, recurring together to my mind, I could not help suspecting +that Miss Arnold had paid Lady St Edmunds a visit which was intended to +be kept secret from me. Already out of humour, and dispirited, I +admitted this suspicion with unwonted readiness; and, after conjecturing +for some moments of surly silence, what could be the motive of this +little circumvention, I bluntly asked my friend, whether she had not +been in Grosvenor Square that morning? + +Miss Arnold reddened. 'In Grosvenor Square!' repeated she. 'What should +make you think so?' + +'Because the very carriage from which you have just alighted I saw at +Lady St Edmunds' door not half an hour ago.' + +'Very likely,' retorted my friend, 'but you did not see me in it, I +suppose.' + +I owned that I did not, but mentioned the card, which was connected with +it in my mind; confessing, however, simply enough, that Lady St Edmunds +denied all recollection of it. Miss Arnold now raised her handkerchief +to her eyes. 'Unkind Ellen!' said she, 'what is it you suspect? Why +should I visit Lady St Edmunds without your knowledge? But, since +yesterday, you are entirely changed,--and, after seven years of faithful +friendship----' She stopped, and turned from me as if to weep. + +I was uneasy, but not sufficiently so to make concessions. 'If my manner +is altered, Juliet,' said I, 'you well know the cause of the change. Was +it not owing to you that I was so absurdly committed to the malice of +that hateful Lady Maria? And now there is I know not what of mystery in +your proceedings that puts me quite out of patience.' + +'Yes, well I know the cause,' answered Miss Arnold, as if still in +tears. 'Your generous nature would never have punished so severely an +error of mere thoughtlessness, if that cruel Miss Mortimer had not +prejudiced you against me. She is gone indeed herself; but she has left +her sting behind. And I must go too!' continued Miss Arnold, sobbing +more violently. 'I could have borne any thing, except to be suspected.' + +My ungoverned temper often led me to inflict pain, which, with a +selfishness sometimes miscalled good nature, I could not endure to +witness. Entirely vanquished by the tears of my friend, I locked my arms +round her neck, assured her of my restored confidence; and, as friends +of my sex and age are accustomed to do, offered amends for my transient +estrangement in a manner more natural than wise, by recanting aloud +every suspicion, however momentary, which had formerly crossed my mind. +A person of much less forecast than Miss Arnold might have learned from +this recantation where to place her guards for the future. + +My friend heard me to an end, and then with great candour confessed, +what she could not now conceal, that Lord Frederick had her wishes for +his success; but she magnanimously forgave my imagining, even for a +moment, that she could condescend to assist him; and appealed to myself, +what motive she could have for favouring his suit, except the wish of +seeing me rise to a rank worthy of me. She then justified herself from +any clandestine transaction with Lady St Edmunds, giving me some very +unimportant explanation of the card which had perplexed me. + +It is so painful to suspect a friend, and I was so accustomed to shun +pain by all possible means, that I willingly suffered myself to be +convinced; and harmony being restored by Miss Arnold's address, we +engaged ourselves in shopping and visiting till it was time to prepare +for the pleasures of the night. My spirits were low, and my head ached +violently; but I had not the fortitude to venture upon a solitary +evening. From the dread of successful malice,--from the recollection of +abused friendship,--in a word, from myself,--I fled, vainly fled, to +the opera, and three parties; from whence I returned home, more languid +and comfortless than ever. + +I had just retired to my apartment, when a letter was brought me which +Miss Mortimer had left, with orders that it might be delivered when I +retired for the night. 'Oh mercy!' cried I, 'was I not wretched enough +without this new torment? But give it me. She has some right to make me +miserable.' In this spirit of penance I dismissed my maid, and began to +read my letter, which ran as follows:-- + + 'When you read this letter, my dear Ellen, one circumstance may + perhaps assist its influence. My counsels, however received, + whether used or rejected, are now drawing to a close; and you may + safely grant them the indulgence we allow to troubles which will + soon cease to molest us. I know not how far this consideration may + affect you, but I cannot think of it without strong emotion. I have + often and deeply regretted that my usefulness to you has been so + little answerable to my wishes; yet, with the sympathy which rivets + our eyes on danger which we cannot avert, I would fain have + lingered with you still; watching, with the same painful + solicitude, the approach of evils, which I in vain implored you to + avoid. But it must not be. Aware of my situation, I dare not trifle + with a life which is not mine to throw away. I must leave you, my + dearest child, probably for ever. I must loosen this last hold + which the world has on a heart already severed from all its + earliest affections. And can I quit you without one last effort for + your safety;--without once again earnestly striving to rouse your + watchfulness, ere you have cast away your all for trifles without + use or value? + + 'Ellen, your mother was my first friend. We grew up together. We + shared in common the sports and the improvements of youth; and + common sorrows, in maturer life, formed a still stronger bond. Yet + I know not if my friend herself awakened a tenderness so touching, + as that which remembrance mingles with my affection for you, when + your voice or your smile reminds me of what she was in her short + years of youth and joy. Nor is it only in trifles such as these + that the resemblance rises to endear you. You have your mother's + simplicity and truth,--your mother's warm affections,--your + mother's implicit confidence in the objects of her love. This last + was indeed the shade, perhaps the only shade of her character. But + she possessed that "alchemy divine" which could transform even her + dross into gold; and what might have been her weakness became her + strength, when she placed her supreme regards upon excellence + supreme. The nature of your affections also seems to give their + object, whatever it be, implicit influence with you; and thus it + becomes doubly important that they be worthily bestowed. It is this + which has made me watch, with peculiar anxiety, the channels in + which they seemed inclined to flow; and lament, with peculiar + bitterness, that a propensity capable of such glorious application + should be lost, or worse than lost to you. + + 'These, however, are subjects upon which you have never permitted + me to enter. You have repelled them in anger; evaded them in sport; + or barred them at once as points upon which you were determined to + act, I must not say to judge, for yourself. If, indeed, you would + have used your own judgment, one unpleasing part of this letter + might have been spared; for surely your unbiased judgment might + show you the danger of some connections into which you have + entered. It might remind you, that the shafts of calumny are seldom + so accurately directed, as not to glance aside from their chief + mark to those who incautiously approach; that those whom it has + once justly or unjustly suspected, the world views with an eye so + jaundiced as may discolour even the most innocent action of their + willing associate. Even upon these grounds I think your judgment, + had it been consulted, must have given sentence against your + intimacy with Lady St Edmunds. But these are not all. Persons who + know her Ladyship better than I pretend to do, represent her as a + mixture, more common than amiable, of improvidence in the selection + of her ends, with freedom in the choice, and dexterity in the use + of the means which she employs; in short (pardon the severity of + truth), as a mixture of imprudence and artifice. My dearest girl, + what variety of evil may not result to you from such a connection! + Whatever may be my suspicions, I am not prepared to assert that + Lady St Edmunds has any sinister design against you. Your manifest + indifference towards her nephew makes me feel more security on the + point where I should otherwise have dreaded her influence the most. + But I am convinced, that the mere love of manoeuvring becomes in + itself a sufficient motive for intrigue, and is of itself + sufficient to endanger the safety of all who venture within its + sphere. The frank and open usually possess an instinct which, + independently of caution, repels them from the designing. I must + not name to you that unhappy trait in your character, by which this + instinct has been made unavailing to you; by which the artful wind + themselves into your confidence, and the heartless cheat you of + your affection. Has not the ceaseless incense which Miss Arnold + offers blinded you to faults, which far less talent for observation + than you possess might have exposed to your knowledge and to your + disdain? Do not throw aside my letter with indignation; but, if the + words of truth offend you, consider that from me they will wound + you no more; and pardon me, too, when I confess, that, in despair + of influencing you upon this point, I have entreated your father + not to renew his invitation to Miss Arnold, but rather to + discourage, by every gentle and reasonable means, an intimacy so + eminently prejudicial to you. + + 'And now I think I see you raise your indignant head; and, with the + lofty scorn of baseness which I have so often seen expressed in + your countenance and mien, I hear you exclaim, "Shall I desert my + earliest friend!--repay with cold ingratitude her long-tried, + ardent attachment?" Your indignation, Ellen, is virtuous, but + mistaken. If Miss Arnold's attachment be real, she has a claim to + your gratitude, indeed; but not to your intimacy, your confidence, + your imitation. These are due to far other qualifications. But are + you sure, Ellen, that the warm return you make to Miss Arnold's + supposed affection is itself entirely real? Are you sure, that it + is not rather the form under which you choose to conceal from + yourself, that her adulation is become necessary to you? Before you + indignantly repel this charge, ask your own heart, whether you are, + in every instance, thus grateful for disinterested love? Is there + not a friend of whose love you are regardless?--whose counsels you + neglect?--whose presence you shun?--from whom you withhold your + trust, though the highest confidence were here the highest + wisdom?--whom you refuse to imitate, though here the most imperfect + imitation were glorious? You exchange your affection, and all the + influence which your affection bestows, for a mere shadow of + good-will. The very dog that fawns upon you, is caressed with + childish fondness. Oh, Ellen, does it never strike you with strong + amazement to reflect, that you are sensible to every love but that + which is boundless? grateful for every kindness but that which is + wholly undeserved--wholly beyond return? Is nothing due to an + unwearied friend? Is it fitting, that one who lives, who enjoys so + much to sweeten life, by the providence, the bounty, the + forbearance of a benefactor, should live to herself alone? Yet ask + your own conscience, what part of your plan of life, or rather, + since I believe your life is without a plan, which of your habits + is inspired by gratitude. Dare to be candid with yourself, and + though the odious word will grate upon your ear, enquire whether + selfishness be not rather your chosen guide;--whether you be not + selfish in your pursuit of pleasure;--selfish in your fondness for + the flatterer who soothes your vanity,--selfish in the profuse + liberality with which you vainly hope to purchase an affection + which it is not in her nature to bestow,--selfish even in the + relief which you indiscriminately lavish on every complainer whose + cry disturbs you on your bed of roses. Is this the temper of a + Christian--of one "who is not her own, but is bought with a price?" + Consider this awful price, and how will your own conduct change in + your estimation? How will you start as from a fearful dream, when + you remember, that of this mighty debt you have hitherto lived + regardless? How will you then abhor that pursuit of selfish + pleasure which has hitherto alienated your mind from all that best + deserves your care,--blasted the very sense by which you should + have perceived the excellence of your benefactor,--diverted your + regards from the deeper and deeper death which is palsying your + soul; and closed your ear against the renovating voice which calls + you to arise and live? This voice, once heard, would exalt your + confiding temper to the elevations of faith,--ennoble your careless + generosity to the self-devotion of saints and martyrs,--your warmth + of affection, now squandered on the meanest of objects, to the love + of God. The true religion once received, would change the whole + current of your hopes and fears;--would ennoble your desires, + subdue passion, humble the proud heart, overcome the world. But you + will not give her whereon to plant her foot; for where, amidst the + multitude of your toys, shall religion find a place? Oh, why should + we, by continual sacrifice, confirm our natural idolatry of created + things? Why fill, with the veriest baubles of this unsubstantial + scene, hearts already too much inclined to exclude their rightful + possessor? The pursuit of selfish pleasure is indeed natural, for + self is the idol of fallen man; but the great end of his present + state of being is to prostrate that idol before the Supreme. The + stony Dagon bows unwillingly, but bow he must. Our heavenly Father, + though a merciful, is not a fond or partial parent; and the same + lot is more or less the portion of us all. He has freely given. He + has done more; he has warned us of the real uses of his gifts. + Perverse by nature, we abuse his bounty. Again, he exhorts us by + the ministry of his servants; and often graciously sweetens his + warnings, by conveying them in the voice of partial friendship, or + parental love. We reject counsel; and the father unwillingly + chastises. He withdraws the gifts which we have perverted, or + suffers them to become themselves the punishment of their own + abuse. If kindness cannot touch, nor exhortation move, nor warning + alarm, nor chastisement reclaim, what other means can be employed + with a moral being: What remains but the fearful sentence, "He is + joined to his idols; let him alone." Oh, Ellen, my blood freezes at + the thought that such a sentence may ever go forth against you. + Rouse you, dear child of my love,--rouse you from your ill-boding + security. Tremble, lest you already approach that state where mercy + itself assumes the form of punishment. You have hitherto lived to + yourself alone. Now venture to examine this god of your + idolatry;--for the being whose pleasure and whose honour you seek, + is your god, call it by what name you will. See if it be worthy to + divide even your least service with Him who, infinite in goodness, + accepts the imperfect,--showers his bounty on the + unprofitable,--and opens, even to the rebel, the arms of a + father!--who meets your offences with undesired pardon, and + anticipates your wants with offers of himself! Think you that this + generous love could lay on you a galling yoke? I know that, though + you should distrust my judgment, you will credit my testimony; and + I solemnly protest to you, that I have found his service to be + "perfect freedom." He exalts my joys as gifts of his bounty; He + blesses my sorrows as tokens of his love; He lightens my duties by + honouring them, poor as they are, with his acceptance; and even the + pang with which I feel and own myself a lost sinner is sweetened by + remembrance of that mercy which came to seek and to save me, + _because_ I was lost. These are my pleasures; and I know that they + can counterbalance poverty, and loneliness, and pain. Your + pleasures too I have tried; and I know them to be cold, fleeting, + and unsubstantial, as the glories of a winter sky. Oh for the + eloquence of angels, that I might persuade you to exchange them for + the real treasure! Yet vain were the eloquence of angels, if the + "still small voice" be wanting, which alone can speak to the heart. + I may plead, and testify, and entreat; but is aught else within my + power?--Yes,--I will go and pray for you. + + 'E. MORTIMER.' + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + _He had the skill, when cunning's gaze would seek + To probe his heart, and watch his changing cheek, + At once the observer's purpose to espy, + And on himself roll back his scrutiny._ + + Lord Byron. + + +My friend's letter cost me a whole night's repose. I could not read +without emotion the expressions of an affection so ill repaid,--an +affection now lost to me for ever. A thousand instances of my +ingratitude forced themselves upon my recollection; and who can tell the +bitterness of that pity which we feel for those whom we have injured, +when we know that our pity can no longer avail? The mild form of Miss +Mortimer perpetually rose to my fancy. I saw her alone in her solitary +dwelling, suffering pain which was unsoothed by the voice of sympathy, +and weakness which no friend was at hand to sustain. I saw her weep over +the wounds of my unkindness, and bless me, though 'the iron had entered +into her soul!'--'But she shall not weep,--she shall not be alone and +comfortless,' I cried, starting like one who has taken a sudden +resolution: 'I will go to her. I will show her, that I am not altogether +thankless. I will spend whole days with her. I will read to her,--sing +to her,--amuse her a thousand ways. To-morrow I will go--no--to-morrow I +am engaged at Lady G.'s,--how provoking! and the day after, we must dine +with Mrs Sidney,--was ever any thing so unfortunate? However, some day +soon I will most certainly go.' So with this opiate I lulled the most +painful of my self-upbraidings. + +That part of the letter which related to my chosen associates, was not +immediately dismissed from my mind. Had no accident awakened my +suspicions, I should have indignantly rejected my friend's insinuations, +or despised them as the sentiments of a narrow-minded though +well-intentioned person; but now, my own observation coming in aid of +her remonstrances, I was obliged to own that they were not wholly +unfounded. I received them, however, as a _bon vivant_ does the advice +of his physician. He is told that temperance is necessary; and he +assents, reserving the liberty of explaining the term. I was convinced +that it was advisable to restrain my intimacy with Lady St Edmunds; I +resolved to be less frank in communicating my sentiments, less open in +regard to my affairs; and this resolution held, till the next time it +was exposed to the blandishments of Lady St Edmunds. As to Miss Arnold, +her faults, like my own, I could review only to excuse them; or rather, +they entered my mind only to be banished by some affectionate +recollection. Whatever has long ministered to our gratification, is at +last valued without reference to its worth; and thus I valued Juliet. +Nay, perhaps my perverted heart loved her the more for her deficiency in +virtues, which must have oppressed me with a painful sense of +inferiority. In short, 'I could have better spared a better' person. +But, amidst my present 'compunctious visitings,' I thought of atoning +for my former rebellions by one heroic act of submission. I resolved +that, in compliance with Miss Mortimer's advice, I would refrain from +urging my father to detain Miss Arnold as an inmate of the family. I +was, however, spared this effort of self-command. The termination of +Miss Arnold's visit was never again mentioned, either by herself, or by +my father. In fact, she had become almost as necessary to him as to me; +and I have reason to believe, that he was very little pleased with Miss +Mortimer's interference on the subject. + +But the more serious part of my friend's letter was that which +disquieted me the most. The darkness of midnight was around me. The +glittering baubles which dazzled me withdrawn for a time, I saw, not +without alarm, the great realities which she presented to my mind. I +could not disguise from myself the uselessness of my past life; and I +shrunk under a confused dread of vengeance. In the silence, in the +loneliness of night,--without defence against that awful voice which I +had so often refused to hear,--I trembled, as conscience loudly +reproached me with the bounties of my benefactor, and the ingratitude +with which they were repaid. A sense of unworthiness wrung from me some +natural tears of remorse; a sense of danger produced some vague desires +of reformation; and this, I fancied, was repentance. How many useless +or poisonous nostrums of our own compounding do we call by the name of +the true restorative! + +But though false medicines may assume the appellation, and sometimes +even the semblance of the real, they cannot counterfeit its effects. The +cures which they perform are at best partial or transient,--the true +medicine alone gives permanent and universal health. I passed the night +under the scourge of conscience; and the strokes were repeated, though +at lengthening intervals, for several days. I was resolved, that I would +no longer be an unprofitable servant; that I would devote part of my +time and my fortune to the service of the Giver; that I would earn the +gratitude of the poor,--the applauses of my own conscience,--the +approbation of Heaven! Of the permanence of my resolutions,--of my own +ability to put them in practice,--it never entered my imagination to +doubt. I remembered having heard my duties summed up in three +comprehensive epithets, 'sober, righteous, and godly.' To be 'righteous' +was, I thought, an injunction chiefly adapted to the poor. In the +limited sense which I affixed to the command, the rich had no temptation +to break it; at all events I did not,--for I defrauded no one. 'Godly' I +certainly intended one day or other to become; but for the present I +deferred fixing upon the particulars of this change. It was better not +to attempt too much at once,--so I determined to begin by living +'soberly.' I would withdraw a little from the gay world in which I had +of late been so busy. I would pass more of my time at home. I would find +out some poor but amiable family, who had perhaps seen better days. I +would assist and comfort them; and, confining myself to a simple +neatness in my dress, would expend upon them the liberal allowance of my +indulgent father. I was presently transported by fancy to a scene of +elegant distress, and theatrical gratitude, common enough in her airy +regions, but exceedingly scarce upon the face of this vulgar earth. The +idea was delightful. 'Who,' cried I, 'would forfeit the pleasures of +benevolence for toys which nature and good sense can so well dispense +with? And, after all, what shall I lose by retreating a little from a +world where envy and malice are watchful to distort the veriest +casualties into the hideous forms upon which slander loves to scowl! No +doubt, Lady Maria's malice will find food in my new way of life,--but no +matter, I will despise it.' It is so easy to despise malice in our +closets! 'Mr Maitland,' thought I, 'will approve of my altered conduct;' +and then I considered that retirement would allow me to make +observations on the 'interest' which I had excited in Mr Maitland; for, +in the present sobered state of my mind, I thought of making +observations, rather than experiments. + +Circumstances occurred to quicken the ardour with which vanity pursued +those observations. Maitland had hitherto been content to perform the +duties of a quiet citizen. Secure of respect, and careless of +admiration, he had been satisfied to promote by conscientious industry +his means of usefulness, and, with conscientious benevolence, to devote +those means to their proper end. With characteristic reserve, he had +withdrawn even from the gratitude of mankind. He had been the unknown, +though liberal benefactor of unfriended genius. He had given liberty to +the debtor who scarcely knew of his existence; and had cheered many a +heart which throbbed not at the name of Maitland. But now the name of +Maitland became the theme of every tongue; for, in the cause of justice, +he had put forth the powers of his manly mind; and orators, such as our +senates must hope no more to own, had hung with warm applause, or with +silent rapture, upon the eloquence of Maitland! Himself a West India +merchant, and interested, of course, in the continuation of the +slave-trade, he opposed, with all the zeal of honour and humanity, this +vilest traffic that ever degraded the name and the character of man. In +the senate of his country he lifted up his testimony against this foul +blot upon her fame,--this tiger-outrage upon fellow-man,--this daring +violation of the image of God. Alas! that a more lasting page than mine +must record, that the cry of the oppressed often came up before British +senates, ere they would deign to hear! But, amidst the tergiversation of +friends, and the virulence of foes, some still maintained the cause of +justice. They poured forth the eloquence which makes the wicked tremble, +and the good man exult in the strength of virtue. The base ear of +interest refused indeed to hear; but the words of truth were not +scattered to the winds. All England, all Europe, caught the inspiration; +and burnt with an ardour which reason and humanity had failed to kindle, +till they borrowed the eloquence of Maitland. + +And now his praise burst upon me from every quarter. Those who affected +intimacy with the great, retailed it as the private sentiment of +ministers and princes. Our political augurs foretold his rise to the +highest dignities of the state. Those who love to give advice were eager +that he should forsake his humbler profession, and devote his +extraordinary talents to the good of his country. The newspapers +panegyrised him; and fashion, rank, and beauty, crowded round the happy +few who could give information concerning the age, manners, and +appearance of Mr Maitland. Not all his wisdom, nor all his worth, could +ever have moved my vain mind so much as did these tributes of applause, +from persons unqualified to estimate either. When I heard admiration +dwell upon his name, my heart bounded at the recollection of the +'interest' which he had expressed in me; and again I wondered whether +that interest were love? I would have given a universe to be able to +answer 'yes.' To see the eye which could penetrate the soul hang captive +on a glance of mine!--to hear the voice which could awe a senate falter +when it spoke to me!--to feel the hand which was judged worthy to hold +the helm of state tremble at my touch!--the very thought was +inspiration. Let not the forgiving smile which belongs to the innocent +weakness of nature be lavished on a vice which leads to such cold, such +heartless selfishness. Let it rather be remembered that avarice, +oppression, cruelty, all the iron vices which harden the heart of man, +are not more rigidly selfish, more wantonly regardless of another's +feelings, than unrestrained, active vanity. + +Meanwhile, Mr Maitland allowed me abundant opportunities for +observation. Instead of withdrawing from us after Miss Mortimer's +departure, as I feared he would, he visited us more frequently than +ever. He sometimes breakfasted with us in his way to the city; often +returned when the House adjourned in the evening; and in short seemed +inclined to spend with us the greater part of his few abstemious hours +of leisure. Yet even my vanity could trace nothing in his behaviour +which might explain this constant attendance. On the contrary, his +manner, often cold, was sometimes even severe. He was naturally far from +being morose; and often casting off the cares of business, he would +catch infectious spirits from my lightness of heart; yet even in those +moments, somewhat painful would not unfrequently appear to cross his +mind, and he would turn from me as if half in sorrow, half in anger. I +could perceive that he listened with interest when I spoke; but that +interest seemed of no pleasing kind. He often, indeed, looked amused, +but seldom approving; and if once or twice I caught a more tender +glance, it was one of such mournful kindness as less resembled love than +compassion. + +All this was provokingly unsatisfactory. I found that it was vain to +expect discoveries from observation; I was obliged to have recourse to +experiment; and it is not to be imagined what tricks I practised to +steal poor Maitland's fancied secret. So mean is vanity! and so little +security have they who submit to its power, that they may not stoop to +faults the most remote from their natural tendencies. I flourished the +arm of which he had praised the beauty, that I might watch whether his +gaze followed it in admiration. I was laboriously 'graceful;' and +sported my '_naif_ sensibility' till it was any thing but _naif_. I +obtruded my 'lovely singleness of mind,' till, I believe, I should have +become a disgusting mass of affectation, had it not been for the manly +plainness of Mr Maitland. He at first appeared to look with surprise +upon my altered demeanour; then fairly showed me by his manner that he +detected my little arts, and that he was alternately grieved to find me +condescending to plot, and angry that I could plot no better. 'That +certainly is the finest arm in England,' whispered he one evening when I +had been leaning upon it, exactly opposite to him, for five minutes, 'so +now you may put on your glove. Nay, instead of frowning, you should +thank me for that blush; for though pride and anger may have some share +in it, it is not unbecoming, since it is natural.' I was sullen for a +little, and muttered something about 'impertinence,'--but I never +flourished my arm again. + +'Lady Maria de Burgh is certainly the most beautiful girl in London,' +said I to Miss Arnold one day when the subject was in debate. This was a +fit of artificial candour; for I had observed, that Maitland detested +all symptoms of animosity; and I appealed to him, in hopes that he would +at least except me from his affirmative. 'Yes,' returned he, directing, +by one flash of his eloquent eye, the warning distinctly to me, 'Yes; +but she reminds me of the dog in the fable. Nature has given her beauty +enough; but she grasps at more, and thus loses all.' + +Affectation seemed likely to be as unavailing as watchfulness; yet, the +longer my search lasted, the more eager it became. Whatever occupied +attention long, will occupy it much; and, in my vain investigation, I +often endured the anxiety of the philosopher, who, having sailed to the +antipodes to observe the transit of Venus, saw, at the critical hour, a +cloud rise to obstruct his observations. 'How shall I fathom the heart +of that impenetrable being?' exclaimed I to my confidante one day, when, +in pursuance of my new plan of soberness and charity, I sat learning to +knit a child's stocking at the rate of a row in the hour. + +'Bless me, Ellen,' returned Miss Arnold, 'what signifies the heart of a +musty old bachelor?' + +'I don't know what you call old, Juliet; but, in my opinion, I should +be more than woman, or less, if I could suspect my power over such a man +as Maitland, and not wish to ascertain the point.' + +'I do not believe,' returned Juliet, 'that any woman upon earth has +power over him,--a cold, cynical, sarcastic----' + +'You forget,' interrupted I, 'that he has owned a strong interest in +me;' for, in the soft hour of returning confidence, I had showed his +billet to my friend. + +'Yes,' answered Miss Arnold, 'that is true; but don't you think he may +once have been a lover of your mother's, and that on her account----' + +'My mother's!' cried I. 'Ridiculous! impossible! Maitland must have been +a mere child when my mother married.' + +'Let me see,' said Miss Arnold, with calculating brow, 'your mother, had +she been alive, would now have been near forty.' + +'And Maitland, I am sure, cannot be more than two-and-thirty.' + +'Is he not?' said Miss Arnold, who had ventured as far as she thought +prudent. Silence ensued; for I was now in no very complacent frame. Miss +Arnold was the first to speak. 'Perhaps,' said she, 'Mr Maitland only +wishes to conceal his own sentiments, till he makes sure of +yours,--perhaps he would be secure of success before he condescends to +sue.' + +'If I thought the man were such a coxcomb,' cried I, 'I would have no +mercy in tormenting. I detest pride.' + +'If I have guessed right,' pursued Miss Arnold, 'a little fit of +jealousy would do excellently well to prove him, and punish him at the +same time; I am sure he deserves it very well, for making so much +mystery of nothing.' A by-stander might have indulged a melancholy smile +at my detestation of pride, and Miss Arnold's antipathy to mystery. But +our abhorrence of evil is never more vehemently, perhaps never more +sincerely expressed, than when our own besetting sin thwarts us in the +conduct of others. + +'But,' said I, for experience had begun to teach me some awe for +Maitland's penetration, 'what if he should see through our design, and +only laugh at us and our manoeuvring?' + +'Oh! as for that,' returned Juliet, 'choose his rival well, and there is +no sort of danger. A dull, every-day creature, to be sure, would never +do: but fix upon something handsome, lively, fashionable, and it must +appear the most natural thing in the world. By the by, did he ever seem +to suspect any one in particular?' + +'What! don't you remember that, in his note, he speaks with tolerably +decent alarm of Lord Frederick?' + +'Oh! true,' returned Miss Arnold, 'I had forgotten.--Well, do you think +you could pitch upon a better flirt?' + +Now my friend knew that I happened at that moment to have no choice of +flirts; for, besides that Lord Frederick was the only dangler whom I had +ever systematically encouraged, he was the only one of my present +admirers who could boast any particular advantages of figure or +situation. 'He might answer the purpose well enough,' returned I, 'if we +knew how to bring Maitland and him together; but you know he does not +visit here since his foolish old father thought fit to interfere.' + +'That may be easily managed,' replied Juliet. 'The slightest hint from +you would bring him back.' + +I had once determined to listen with caution to Miss Arnold's advice, +where Lord Frederick was concerned; but now her advice favoured my +inclination; and that which ought to have made me doubly suspicious of +her counsels, was the cause why I followed them without hesitation. The +hint to Lord Frederick was given at the first opportunity, and proved as +effectual as its instigator had foretold. Still, however, some +contrivance was necessary to bring the rivals together; for the man of +fashion and the man of business seldom paid their visits at the same +hour. At length I effected an interview; and never was visiter more +partially distinguished than Lord Frederick. We placed ourselves +together upon a sofa, apart from the rest of the company, and forthwith +entered upon all the evolutions of flirtation; for I whispered without a +secret, laughed without a joke, frowned without anger, and talked +without discretion. + +It was Miss Arnold's allotted province to watch the effect of these +fooleries upon Maitland; but I could not refrain from sharing her task, +by stealing at times a glance towards him. These glances animated my +exertions; for I was almost sure that he looked disturbed; and fancied, +more than once, that I saw his colour change. But if he was uneasy at +witnessing Lord Frederick's success, he did not long subject himself to +the pain; for, after having endured my folly for a quarter of an hour, +without offering it the least interruption, he took a very frozen leave, +and departed. I laughed at his coldness; convinced, as I now was, that +it was only the pettishness of jealousy. Miss Arnold, however, gently +insinuated a contrary opinion. 'She might, indeed, be mistaken, she +could not pretend to my talent for piercing disguise; but she must +confess, that Maitland had succeeded in concealing from her every trace +of emotion.' It may easily be imagined, that this opinion, however +seasoned with flattery, and however cautiously expressed, was not very +agreeable to me. To dispel my friend's doubts, rather than my own, I +proposed a second trial; but some time elapsed before that trial could +be made. In the mean while, Lord Frederick failed not to profit by his +recent admission. His visits even became so frequent, that, dreading an +altercation with my father, I began to wish that I had been more guarded +in my invitation. + +But, this did not prevent me from re-acting my coquetry the next time +that the supposed rivals met in my presence. After this second +interview, Miss Arnold, though with great deference, persisted in her +former sentence; and I was unwillingly obliged to soften somewhat the +vehemence of my dissent; for if Maitland was wounded by my preference of +Lord Frederick, he certainly endured the smart with Spartan fortitude. I +was somewhat disconcerted; and should have laid aside all my vain +surmises, had not the recollection of Maitland's note constantly +returned to strengthen them. + +Our experiments, however, were brought to a close by a disclosure of my +father's. 'Miss Percy,' said he one day, taking his posture of +exhortation, 'I think Lord Frederick de Burgh seems to wait upon you +every day. Now, after what has passed, this is indiscreet; and, +therefore, it is my desire that you give him no encouragement to +frequent my house. I would have put a stop to the thing at once, but I +can perceive that you don't care for the puppy; and Maitland, who is a +very sharp fellow, makes the very same observation.' + +Now, I knew that this was Mr Percy's method of adopting the stray +remarks which he judged worthy to be fathered by himself; and I fully +understood, that all my laboured favour to Lord Frederick had failed to +impose upon Maitland. What could be more vexatious? I had no resource, +however; except, like the fox in the fable, to despise what was +unattainable. I vowed that I would concern myself no more with a person +who was too wise to have the common feelings of humanity. I assured my +confidante that his sentiments were a matter of perfect indifference to +me. I hope, for my conscience' sake, that this was true, for I repeated +it at least ten times every day. + +Meanwhile, in the ardour of my investigation, I had, from time to time, +deferred my purposed visit to Miss Mortimer. My heart had not failed to +reproach me with this delay; but I had constantly soothed it with +promises for to-morrow,--to-morrow, that word of evil omen to all +purposes of reformation! At last, however, I was resolved to repair my +neglect; for the day after Maitland's quick-sightedness happened to be +Sunday; and how could the Sabbath be better employed than in a necessary +and pious work? It is no new thing to see that day burdened with the +necessity of works which might as well have belonged to any other. +Instead, therefore, of going to hear a fashionable preacher, I ordered +my carriage to ----. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + _----Oh my fate! + That never would consent that I should see + How worthy thou wert both of love and duty, + Before I lost you;----_ + + _With justice, therefore, you may cut me off, + And from your memory wash the remembrance + That e'er I was; like to some vicious purpose, + Which in your better judgment you repent of, + And study to forget._ + + Massinger. + + +The morning shone bright with a summer sun. The trees, though now rich +in foliage, were still varied with the fresh hues of spring. The river +flashed gaily in the sun beam; or rolled foaming from the prows of +stately vessels, which now veered as in conscious grace, now moved +onward as in power without effort, bearing wealth and plenty from +distant lands. What heart, that is not chilled by misery, or hardened by +guilt, is insensible to the charms of renovated nature! What human heart +exults not in the tokens of human power! Mine rejoiced in the splendid +scene before me; but it was the rejoicing of the proud, always akin to +boasting. 'How richly,' I exclaimed, 'has the Creator adorned this fair +dwelling of his children! A glorious dwelling, worthy of the noble +creatures for whom it was designed;--creatures whose courage braves the +mighty ocean,--whose power compels the service of the elements,--whose +wisdom scales the heavens, and unlocks the springs of a moving universe! +And can there be zealots whose gloomy souls behold in this magnificent +frame of things, only the scene of a dull and toilsome pilgrimage, for +beings wayworn, guilty, wretched?' + +In these thoughts, and others of like reasonableness and humility, I +reached the dwelling of my friend. It was a low thatched cottage, +standing somewhat apart from a few scattered dwellings, which scarcely +deserved the name of a village. I had seen it in my childhood, when a +holiday had dismissed me from confinement; and it was associated in my +mind with images of gaiety and freedom. Alas! those images but ill +accorded with its present aspect. It looked deserted and forlorn. She, +by whose taste it had been adorned, was now a prisoner within its walls. +The flowers which she had planted were blooming in confused luxuriance. +The rose-tree, which she had taught to climb the latticed porch, now +half-impeded entrance, and the jessamine which she had twined round her +casement, now threw back its dishevelled sprays as if to shade her +death-bed. The carriage stopped at the wicket of the neglected garden; +and I, my lofty thoughts somewhat quelled by the desolateness of the +scene, passed thoughtfully towards the cottage, along a walk once kept +with a neatness the most precise, now faintly marked with a narrow track +which alone repressed the disorderly vegetation. + +The door was opened for me by Miss Mortimer's only domestic; a grave and +reverend-looking person, with silver grey hair, combed smooth under a +neat crimped coif, and with a starched white handkerchief crossed +decently upon her breast. Nor were her manners less a contrast to those +of the flippant gentlewomen to whose attendance I was accustomed. With +abundance of ceremony, she ushered me up stairs; then passing me with a +low courtesy, and a few words of respectful apology, she went before me +into her mistress's apartment, and announced my arrival in terms in +which the familiar kindness of a friend blended oddly with the reverence +of an inferior. Miss Mortimer, with an exclamation of joy, stretched her +arms fondly towards me. Prepared as I was for an alteration in her +appearance, I was shocked at the change which a few weeks had effected. +A faint glow flushed her face for a moment, and vanished. Her eyes, that +were wont to beam with such dove-like softness, now shed an ominous +brilliance. The hand which she extended towards me, scarcely seemed to +exclude the light, and every little vein was perceptible in its sickly +transparency. Yet her wasted countenance retained its serenity; and her +feeble voice still spoke the accents of cheerfulness. 'My dearest +Ellen,' said she, 'this is so kind! And yet I expected it too! I knew +you would come.' + +Blushing at praise which my tardy kindness had so ill deserved, I +hastily enquired concerning her health. 'I believe,' said she smiling, +though she sighed too, 'that I am still to cumber the ground a little +longer. I am told that my immediate danger is past.' + +'Heavens be praised,' cried I, with fervent sincerity. + +'God's will be done,' said Miss Mortimer: 'I once seemed so near my +haven! I little thought to be cast back upon the stormy ocean; but, +God's will be done.' + +'Nay, call it not the stormy ocean,' said I. 'Say rather, upon a +cheerful stream, where you and I shall glide peacefully on together. You +will soon be able to come to us at Richmond; and then I will show you +all the affection and all the respect which----' 'I ought always to have +shown,' were the words which rose to my lips; but pride stifled the +accents of confession. 'Were you once able,' continued I, 'to taste the +blessed air that stirs all living things so joyously to-day, and see how +all earth and heaven are gladdened with this glorious sunshine, you +would gain new life and vigour every moment.' + +'Ay, he is shining brightly,' said Miss Mortimer, looking towards her +darkened casement. 'And a better sun, too, is gladdening all earth and +heaven; but I, confined in a low cottage, see only the faint reflection +of his brightness. But I know that He is shining gloriously,' continued +she, the flush of rapture mounting to her face, 'and I shall yet see Him +and rejoice!' + +I made no reply. 'It is fortunate,' thought I, 'that they who have no +pleasure in this life can solace themselves with the prospect of +another.' Little did I at that moment imagine, that I myself was +destined to furnish proof, that the loss of all worldly comfort cannot +of itself procure this solace; that the ruin of all our earthly +prospects cannot of itself elevate the hope long used to grovel among +earthly things. + +I spent almost two hours with my friend; during which, though so weak +that the slightest exertions seemed oppressive to her, she at intervals +conversed cheerfully. She enquired with friendly interest into my +employments and recreations; but she knew me too well to hazard more +direct interrogation concerning the effect of her monitory letter. In +the course of our conversation, she asked, whether I often saw Mr +Maitland? The question was a very simple one; but my roused watchfulness +upon that subject made me fancy something particular in her manner of +asking it. It had occurred to me, that she might possibly be able to +solve the difficulty which had of late so much perplexed me; but I could +not prevail upon myself to state the case directly. 'I wonder,' said I, +'now that you are gone, what can induce Maitland to visit us so often?' +I thought there was meaning in Miss Mortimer's smile; but her reply was +prevented by the entrance of the maid with refreshments. I wished +Barbara a thousand miles off with her tray, though it contained rich +wines, and some of the most costly fruits of the season. Miss Mortimer +pressed me to partake of them, telling me, that she was regularly and +profusely supplied. 'The giver,' said she, 'withholds nothing except his +name, and that, too, I believe I can guess.' + +A gentle knock at the house-door now drew Barbara from the room, and I +instantly began to contrive how I might revert to the subject of my +curiosity. 'Could you have imagined,' said I, 'that my father was the +kind of man likely to attract Maitland so much?' + +My enemy again made her appearance. 'Mr Maitland is below, madam,' said +she: 'I asked him in, because I thought you would not turn his worthy +worship away the third time he is come to ask for you.' + +'Well, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, smiling, 'as your presence may +protect my character, I think I may see him to-day.' + +As Mr Maitland entered the room, I saw my friend make a feeble effort to +rise from her seat; and, bending towards her, I supported her in my +arms. The moment Maitland's eye fell upon me, it lightened with +satisfaction. After speaking to my friend he turned to me. 'Miss Percy!' +said he; and he said no more; but I would not have exchanged these words +and the look which accompanied them for all the compliments of all +mankind. Yet at that moment the spirit of coquetry slept; I quite forgot +to calculate upon his love, and thought only of his approbation. + +I believe neither Maitland nor I recollected that he still held the hand +he had taken, till Miss Mortimer offered him some fruit, hinting that +she suspected him of having a peculiar right to it. A slight change of +colour betrayed him; but he only answered carelessly, that fruit came +seasonably after a walk of seven miles in a sultry day. 'You never +travel otherwise than on foot on Sunday,' said Miss Mortimer. 'I seldom +find occasion to travel on Sunday at all,' answered Maitland; 'but I +knew that I could spend an hour with you without violating the spirit of +the fourth commandment.' + +The hour was spent, and spent without weariness even to me; yet I cannot +recollect that a single sentence was uttered in reference to worldly +business or amusement; except that Maitland once bitterly lamented his +disappointed hopes of usefulness to the African cause. 'However,' added +he, 'I believe I had need of that lesson. Our Master is the only one +whose servants venture to be displeased if they may not direct what +service he will accept from them.' + +'Nobody is more in want of such a lesson than I,' said Miss Mortimer, +'when my foolish heart is tempted to repine at the prospect of being +thus laid aside, perhaps for years; useless as it should seem to myself +and to all human kind.' + +'My good friend,' returned Maitland (and a tear for a moment quenched +the lightning of that eye before which the most untameable spirit must +have bowed submissive), 'say not that you are useless, while you can +show forth the praise of your Creator. His goodness shines gloriously +when he bestows and blesses the gifts of nature and of fortune; but more +gloriously when his mercy gladdens life after all these gifts are +withdrawn. It is the high privilege of your condition to prove that our +Father is of himself alone sufficient for the happiness of his +children.' + +'I am sure, my friend,' cried I, 'of all people upon earth, you need the +least regret being made idle for a little while; for the recollection of +the good which you have already done must furnish your mind with a +continual feast.' + +'Indeed, Ellen,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'you never were more mistaken. +I do not recollect one action of my life, not even among those which +originated in a sense of duty, that has not been degraded by some +mixture of evil, either in the motive or in the performance.' + +'Oh but you know perfection is not expected from us.' + +Maitland shook his head. 'I fear,' said he, 'we must not trust much to +your plea, so long as we are commanded to "be perfect." Miss Mortimer +will feel at peace; not because she hopes that her King will, instead of +her just tribute, accept of counters; but because she knows that the +full tribute has been paid.' + +While I saw the truths of religion affect the vigorous mind of +Maitland,--while I saw them triumph in a feebler soul over pain, and +loneliness, and fear,--how could I remain wholly insensible to their +power? Whilst I listened to the conversation of these Christians, how +could I suppress a wish that their comforts might one day be mine? 'Pray +for me,' I whispered to Miss Mortimer, half-desirous, half-afraid to +extend my petition to Maitland, 'pray for me that, when I am sick and +dying, your God may bless me as he now blesses you.' I know not how my +friend replied; for Maitland laid his hand upon my head, with a look in +which all kind and holy feeling was so blended, that raptured saints can +image nothing more seraphic. He spoke not--but the language of man is +feeble to the eloquence of that pause! + +But my mind was as yet unfit to retain any serious impression. The voice +of truth played over it as the breeze upon the unstable waters, moving +it gently for a moment, and then passing away. My religious humour +vanished with the scene by which it was excited; and even Miss +Mortimer's parting whisper helped to replace it by a far different +spirit. 'I can guess now,' said she, 'what carries Mr Maitland so often +to Bloomsbury Square.' Before hearing this remark, I had offered to +convey Maitland to town in my carriage; and now the heart which had so +lately swelled with better feelings, beat with a little coquettish +fluttering, when, having taken leave of my friend, I found myself seated +_tête-à-tête_ with my supposed admirer. Maitland was, however, the very +innocent cause of my flutterings; since for a whole mile he talked of +Miss Mortimer, and nothing but Miss Mortimer; then, perceiving that I +was little inclined to answer, he was silent, and left me to my +reflections. + +The softness of evening was beginning to mingle with the cheerfulness of +day, and a fresher breeze began to lighten the sultry air. 'What an +Arcadian day!' cried I. 'Pity that you and I were not lovers, to enjoy +it thus alone together!' + +I meant to utter this with the prettiest air of simplicity imaginable, +but found it quite impossible to suppress the conscious glow that stole +over my face. I was certain that Maitland coloured too, though he +answered with great self-possession. 'I make no pretensions to the +character of a lover,' said he; 'but you may allow me to converse with +you like a friend, which will do as well.' + +'Oh the very worst substitute in nature,' cried I; 'for the conversation +of lovers is all complaisance; whereas I find that those who beg leave +to talk like friends always mean to ask something which I do not wish to +tell, or to tell something which I do not wish to hear.' + +'Perhaps I may mean to do both,' said Maitland; 'for there is a question +which I have often wished to ask you; and when you have answered, I may +perhaps undertake the other office too. Are you aware that common report +joins your name with that of Lord Frederick de Burgh?' + +'Stop!' cried I; 'positively you must not be my confessor.' + +'That must be as you please,' returned Maitland. 'Then I will in charity +suppose you ignorant; and when I tell you that every gossip's tongue is +busy with his good fortune, I think you will grant him no additional +triumph; unless indeed it be possible that----' He paused, and then +added with unusual warmth,--'but I will not think of such profanation, +much less utter it.' + +'Now, do Mr Maitland desist, I entreat you,' cried I, half-smiling, half +in earnest; 'for I never was lectured in my life without being guilty of +some impertinence; and there is nobody living whom I would not rather +offend than you.' + +'I believe I must venture,' returned Maitland, looking at me with a +good-humoured smile. 'I would hazard much for your advantage.' + +'Nay, positively you shall not,' said I, playfully laying my hand upon +his mouth. + +This gesture, which, I protest, originated in mere thoughtlessness, +ended in utter confusion; for Maitland, seizing my hand, pressed it to +his lips. The whole affair was transacted in far less time than I can +tell it; and we both sat looking, I believe, abundantly silly; though +neither, I fancy, had the courage to take a view of the other. + +The silence was first broken by a splenetic ejaculation from Maitland. +'Pshaw,' said he, 'you will compel me to act the puppy in spite of +myself.' Now, whatever colour Maitland might try to throw upon his +inadvertence, I plainly perceived that it had not originated in a cool +sense of the duty of gallantry; for he was even studiously inattentive +to all the common gallantries which I was accustomed to expect from +others. My breast swelled with the pride of victory; and yet my +situation was embarrassing enough; for Maitland, far from confirming my +dreams of conquest, much more from empowering me to pursue my triumph, +maintained a frozen silence, and seemed wrapt in a very unlover-like +meditation. + +The first words which he uttered were these: 'Although Parliament +refuses justice to these Africans, much might be done for those already +in slavery. Much might be done by a person residing among them, +determined to own no interest but their welfare.' I could not at that +time follow the chain which had led to this idea. Unfortunately for me, +I was soon enabled to trace the connection. + +As soon as we entered the town, Maitland expressed a wish to alight, and +immediately took a cold and formal leave. I returned home, with every +thought full of my new discovery, every affection absorbed in vanity. +Convinced of Maitland's attachment, I now only wondered why it was not +avowed. The most probable conjecture I could form was, that he wished to +save his pride the pain of a repulse; and again I piously resolved to +spare no torture within my power. I was determined that, cost what it +would, the secret should be explicitly told; after which I should, of +course, be entitled to exhibit and sport with my captive at pleasure. +Beyond this mean and silly triumph I looked not. I forgot that the lion, +even when tamed, will not learn the tricks of a monkey. Weaker souls, I +knew, might be led contented in their silken fetters: I forgot that the +strongest cords bound Samson only whilst he slept. To reward the +expected patience of my lover was not in all my thoughts. I should as +soon have dreamt of marrying my father. + +Meanwhile Maitland was in no haste to renew my opportunities of +coquetting. Business, or, as I then thought, the fear of committing +himself, kept him a whole week from visiting us. During that week, I had +canvassed the subject with Miss Arnold under every possible aspect, +except those in which it would have appeared to a rational mind. I +believe my friend began to be, as perhaps the reader is, heartily tired +of my confidence. She certainly wished the occasion of our discussion at +an end; but she had no desire that it should end favourably to my +wishes. She dreaded the increase of Maitland's influence. A mutual +dislike, indeed, subsisted between them. He seemed to have an intuitive +perception of the dark side of her character; and she to feel a +revolting awe of his undeceiving, undeceivable sagacity. I have often +seen the artful, though they despise defenceless simplicity, and delight +to exert their skill against weapons like their own, yet shrink with +instinctive dread from plain, undesigning common sense. Maitland's +presence always imposed a visible restraint upon Miss Arnold; but she +had more cogent reasons than her dislike of Maitland, for wishing to +arrest the progress of an intercourse which threatened to baffle certain +schemes of her own. Meaning to interrupt our good understanding, she +gave me the advice which appeared most likely to effect her purpose. Of +this I have now no doubt; though, at that time, I harboured not a +suspicion of any motive less friendly than a desire to forward every +purpose of mine. + +'If you don't flirt more sentimentally,' said she, 'you will never make +any impression upon Maitland. He knows you would never rattle away as +you do to De Burgh, with any man you really cared for. You should +endeavour to seem in earnest.' + +'Oh, I am quite tired of endeavouring to "seem." And then I really can't +be sentimental: it is not in my nature. Besides, it would be all in +vain. Maitland has found out that I am not in love with Lord Frederick; +and it will be impossible to convince him of the contrary.' + +'No matter; you may make him believe that you are somehow bound in +honour to Lord Frederick, which will quite answer the purpose.' + +'No Juliet; that I cannot possibly do, without downright falsehood.' + +'Oh, I'll engage to make him believe it, without telling him one word of +untruth. Let me manage the matter, and I'll make him as jealous as a +very Osmyn; that is, provided he be actually in love.' + +The scepticism of my friend upon this point was a continual source of +irritation to me; and, to own the truth, furnished one great cause of my +eagerness to ascertain my conquest beyond cavil. 'Well!' returned I, +already beginning to yield, 'if you could accomplish it honourably: +but--no--I should not like to be thought weak enough to entangle myself +with a man for whom I had no particular attachment.' + +'I am certain,' returned Miss Arnold, more gravely, 'that if Mr Maitland +thought your honour concerned, far from considering the fulfilment of +even a tacit engagement as a weakness, he would highly admire you for +the sacrifice.' + +The prospect of being 'highly admired' by Mr Maitland blinded me to the +sophistry of this answer; yet I felt myself unwilling that he should +actually believe me to be under engagement, and I expressed that +unwillingness to my adviser. 'Oh!' cried she, 'we must guard against +making him too sure. I would merely hint the thing, as what I feared +might happen, and leave you an opening to deny or explain at any time. +As I live, there he comes, just at the lucky moment! Now, leave him to +me for half an hour, and I will engage to bring him to confession; that +is, if he has any thing to confess.' + +'Well! I should like to see you convinced for once, if it be possible to +convince you; and yet what if he should----' + +'Oh, there's his knock!' interrupted Juliet. 'If we stand here +objecting, we shall lose the opportunity. Sure you can trust to my +management.' + +'Well, Juliet,' said I, with a prophetic sigh, 'do as you please; but, +for Heaven's sake, be cautious!' She instantly accepted the permission, +and flew down stairs to receive him in the parlour. + +Let no woman retain in her confidence the treacherous ally who once +persuades or assists her to depart from the plain path of simplicity. +Such an ally, whatever partial fondness may allege, must be deficient +either in understanding or in integrity. That the associate who incites +you to deceive others will in time deceive yourself, is the least evil +to be apprehended from such a connection. The young are notoriously +liable to the guidance of their intimates; and most women are, in this +respect, young all their lives. If I had naturally any good tendency, it +was toward sincerity; and yet a false friend, working on my ruling +passion, had led me to the brink of actual deceit. So stable are the +virtues which are founded only in constitution or humour! Had I been +wisely unrelenting to the first artifice of pretended friendship, and +honestly abhorrent even of the wile which professed to favour me, the +bitterest misfortunes of my life might have been spared; and I might +have escaped from sufferings never to be forgotten, from errors never to +be cancelled. + +My punishment began even during the moments of Miss Arnold's conference +with Maitland. I was restless and agitated. My heart throbbed violently, +less with the hopes of triumph than with the anxiousness of duplicity, +and the dread of detection. I trembled; I breathed painfully; at every +noise I started, thinking it betokened the close of the conference, +which yet seemed endless. Again and again I approached the parlour door, +and as often retreated, fearing to spoil all by a premature +interruption. I was once more resolving to join my friend, when I heard +some one leave the house. I flew to a window, and saw Maitland walk +swiftly along the square, and disappear, without once looking back. This +seemed ominous; but as my friend did not come to make her report, I went +in search of her. + +I found her in an attitude of meditation; and though she instantly +advanced towards me with a smile, her countenance bore traces of +discomposure. 'Well, I protest,' cried she, 'there is no dealing with +these men without a little management.' + +This sounded somewhat like a boast; and, my spirits reviving, I enquired +'how her management had succeeded?' + +'You shall judge,' returned Miss Arnold. 'I will tell you all exactly +and candidly.' People seldom vouch for the candour of their narratives +when it is above suspicion. 'I could not be abrupt, you know,' proceeded +my _candid_ narrator; 'but I contrived to lead dexterously towards the +point; and, after smoothing my way a little just hinted a possibility +that Lord Frederick might succeed. Signor Maestoso took not the least +notice. Then I grew a little more explicit. Still without effect! He +only fixed his staring black eyes upon me, as if he would have looked +through me, to see what was my purpose in telling him all that. At last +I was obliged to say downrightly (Heaven forgive me for the fib!) that I +was afraid you might marry De Burgh at last, though I owned you had no +serious regard for him. All this while Don Pompous had been walking +about the room; but at this he stopped short, just opposite to me, and +asked me, with a frown as dark as a thunder cloud, "what reason I had to +say so?"--I--I declare, I was quite frightened.' + +Miss Arnold stopped, and seemed to hesitate. 'Well! Go on!' cried I +impatiently.--'You know,' continued she, 'I could not answer his +question in any other way, except by giving him some little instances of +your--your good understanding with De Burgh; but still I could extort no +answer from the impenetrable creature, except now and then a kind of +grunt.' + +'How tedious you are! Do proceed.' + +'At last, when I found nothing else would do, I--I was obliged to have +recourse to--to an expedient, which produced an immediate effect. And +now, Ellen, I am convinced that Maitland loves you to distraction!' + +'Indeed! What? How?' + +'Ah, Ellen! you have a thousand times more penetration than I. I would +give the world for your faculty of reading the heart.' + +'But, dear Juliet! how was it,--how did you discover----' + +'Why, when nothing else seemed likely to avail, I--I thought I might +venture to hint, just by way of a trifling instance of your intimacy +with Lord Frederick, that--that you had--had borrowed a small sum from +him.' + +'Good heaven, Juliet! did you tell Maitland this? Oh! he will despise me +for ever. Leave me,--treacherous,--you have undone me.' + +'Ellen, my dearest Ellen,' said my friend, caressing me with the most +humble affection, 'I own I was very wrong; but indeed--indeed, if you +had seen how he was affected, you would have been convinced, that +nothing else could have been so effectual. If you had seen how pale he +grew, and how he trembled, and gasped for breath! You never saw a man in +such agitation. Dear Ellen, forgive me! You know I could have no motive +except to serve you.' + +In spite of my vexation, I was not insensible to this statement, to +which my vanity gave full credit; though the slightest comparison of the +circumstances with the character of Maitland must have convinced me that +they were exaggerated. At length, curiosity so far prevailed over my +wrath, that I condescended to enquire what answer he had given to Miss +Arnold's information? Miss Arnold replied, that the first words which he +was able to utter, announced, that he must see me instantly. 'And why +then,' I asked, 'is he gone in such haste?' + +My friend made me repeat this question before she could hear it;--an +expedient which often serves those whose answer is not quite ready. +'Because he--he afterwards changed his mind, and said he would call upon +you in an hour.' + +Before the hour had elapsed, my resentment had yielded partly to my +friend's representations, partly to a new subject of alarm. I dreaded +lest, if Maitland considered my debt to Lord Frederick in so serious a +light, he might think it a duty of friendship to apprize my father of my +involvement; and, anxious to secure his secrecy, yet too proud to beg +it, I suffered him, at his return, to be admitted to my dressing-room, +although I had never before been so unwilling to encounter him. +Maitland, on his part, seemed little less embarrassed than myself. He +began to speak, but his words were inarticulate. He cleared his throat, +and seized my attention by a look full of meaning; and the effort ended +in some insignificant enquiry, to the answer of which he was evidently +insensible. At last, suddenly laying his hand upon my arm, 'Miss Percy,' +said he, 'pardon my abruptness,--I really can neither think nor talk of +trifles at this moment. Let me speak plainly to you. Allow me for once +the privilege of a friend. You cannot have one more sincere than myself; +nor,' added he with a deep sigh, 'one more disinterested.' + +'Well!' returned I, moved by the kindness of his voice and manner, and +willing to shake off my embarrassment; 'use the privilege generously, +and I don't care if, for once, I grant it you.' + +Maitland instantly, without compliment or apology, availed himself of my +concession. 'I presume,' said he, 'that Miss Arnold has acquainted you +with her very strange communication to me this morning.' I only bowed in +answer, and did not venture again to raise my head. 'Did she tell you, +too,' proceeded Maitland, in the tone of strong indignation, 'that she +meant to conceal from you this most unprovoked act of treachery, had I +not insisted upon warning you against a confidant who could betray your +secret,--and such a secret!' + +Abashed and humbled, conscious that since my friend had been partly +licensed by myself, she was less blamable than she appeared, yet unable, +without exposing myself still farther, to state what little could be +alleged in her vindication, I stammered out a few words; implying, that +perhaps Miss Arnold did not affix any importance to the secret. + +'The inferences she drew,' cried Maitland, 'leave no doubt, that she +thought it important; or, granting it were as you say, is the woman fit +to be a friend who could regard such a transaction as immaterial? Is +there any real friend to whom you could confide it without reluctance? I +need not ask if you have intrusted it to your father.' + +The tears of mortification and resentment which had been collected in my +eyes while Maitland spoke, burst from them when I attempted to answer. +But my wounded pride quickly came to my assistance. 'No, sir,' returned +I; 'but if you think your own reproofs insufficient you will of course +aid them with my father's.' + +Maitland could not resist the sight of my uneasiness. His countenance +expressed the most gentle compassion; and his voice softened even to +tenderness. 'And is the reproof of a father,' said he, 'more formidable +to you than all that your delicacy must suffer under obligation to a +confident admirer? Dearest Miss Percy, as a friend--a most attached, +most anxious friend--I beseech you to----' + +He stopped short, and coloured very deeply,--suddenly aware, I believe, +that he was speaking with a warmth which friendship seldom assumes; then +taking refuge in a double intrenchment of formality, he begged me to +pardon a freedom which he ascribed to his friendship for my father and +Miss Mortimer. In spite of my mortifying situation, my heart bounded +with triumph as I traced through this disguise the proofs of my power +over the affections of Maitland. Recovering my spirits, I told him +frankly, that I was determined to make no application to my father, +since a few weeks would enable me to escape from my difficulty without +the hazard of incensing him. Maitland looked distressed, but made no +further attempt to persuade me. 'This is what I feared,' said he; 'but I +am sensible that I have no right to urge you.' + +He was silent for some moments, and seemed labouring with something +which he knew not how to utter. A certain tremour began to steal over +me too, and expectation made my breath come short when I again heard +his voice. 'There may be an impropriety,' he began, but again he +stopped embarrassed. 'There may be objections against your--your +condescension to Lord Frederick, which do not apply to all your +acquaintance;--and--and I have taken the liberty to--to bring a few +hundred pounds in case you would do me the honour to----' The manly +brown of Maitland's cheek flushed with a warmer tint as he spoke; and +the eye which had so often awed my turbulent spirit, now sunk timidly +before mine; for he was conferring an obligation, and his generous +heart entered by sympathy into the situation of one compelled to accept +a pecuniary favour. But I was teazed and disappointed; for here was +nothing of the expected declaration; on the contrary, Maitland had +wilfully marked the difference between himself and a lover. + +He probably read vexation in my face, though he ascribed it to a wrong +cause. 'I see,' said he, in a tone of mortification, 'that this is a +degree of confidence which I must not expect. Perhaps you will suffer me +to mention the matter to Miss Mortimer--she I am sure will allow me to +be her banker for any sum you may require.' + +Shame on the heartless being who could see in this delicate kindness +only a triumph for the most despicable vanity! In vain did Maitland veil +his interest under the semblance of friendship. Seeing, and glorying to +see, that passion lurked under the disguise, I could not restrain my +impatience to force the mask away. I thanked Maitland, but told him that +the delay of a few weeks could be of little importance; adding, gaily, +that I fancied Lord Frederick was in no haste for payment; and would +prefer the right of a creditor over the liberty of his debtor. + +Maitland almost shuddered. 'Can you jest upon such a subject?' said he. +The expression of uneasiness which crossed his features only encouraged +me to proceed. 'No, really,' said I, with affected seriousness, 'I am +quite in earnest. One day or other I suppose I must give somebody a +right to me, and it may as well be Lord Frederick as another. Marriage +will be at best but a heartless business to me--Heigho!' + +'I hope it will be otherwise,' said Maitland, with a sigh not quite so +audible as mine, but a little more sincere. + +'No, no,' said I, sighing again, 'love is out of the question with me. +The creatures that dangle after me want either a toy upon which to throw +away their money, or money to throw away upon their toys. A heart would +be quite lost upon any of them. If, indeed, a man of sense and worth had +attached himself to me,--a man with sincerity enough to tell me my +faults,--with gentleness to do it kindly,--with--with something in his +character, perhaps in his manners, to secure respect,--he might +have--have found me not incapable of--of an animated--I mean of a--a +very respectful friendship.' + +I could not utter this last sentence without palpable emotion. Nature, +which had done much to unfit me for deliberate coquetry, faltered in my +voice; and stained my cheek with burning blushes. In the confusion which +I had brought upon myself, I should have utterly forgotten to watch the +success of my experiment, had not my attention been drawn by the tremor +of Maitland's hand. I ventured, thus encouraged, to steal a glance at +his countenance. + +His eye was fixed upon me with a keenness which seemed to search my very +soul. Deep glowing crimson flushed his face. It was only for a moment. +His colour instantly fading to more than its natural paleness, he almost +threw from him the hand which he had held. 'Oh, Ellen!' he cried in a +tone of bitter reproach, 'how can you! suspecting, as I see you do, the +power of your witchery over me, how can you!--Others might despise my +weakness--I myself despise it--but with you it should have been sacred!' + +Where is the spirit of prophecy which can foretell how that, which at a +distance seems desirable, will affect us when it meets our grasp? Who +could have believed that this avowal, so long expected, so eagerly +anticipated, should have been heard only with shame and mortification! +Far, indeed, from the elation of conquest were my feelings, while I +shrunk from the rebuke of him, whose displeasure had, with me, the power +of a reproving angel. Abashed and confounded, I did not even dare to +raise my eyes; whilst Maitland, retreating from me, stood for some +moments in thoughtful silence. Approaching me again, 'No,' said he, in a +low constrained voice, 'I cannot speak to you now. Give me a few minutes +to-morrow:--they shall be the last.' + +Before I could have articulated a word, had the universe depended upon +my utterance, Maitland was gone. + +As soon as my recollection returned, I stole, like a culprit, to my own +apartment, where, locking myself in, I fell into a reverie; in which +stifled self-reproach, resentment against Miss Arnold, and an undefined +dread of the consequences of Maitland's displeasure, were but faintly +relieved by complacency towards my own victorious charms. Maitland's +parting words rung in my ears; and though I endeavoured to persuade +myself that they were dictated by a resentment which could not resist +the slightest concession from me, they never recurred to my mind +unattended by some degree of alarm. I was determined, however, that no +consideration should tempt me to betray the cause of my sex, by humbling +myself before a proud lover; 'and, if he be resolved to break my chains, +let him do so,' said I, 'if he can.' I justly considered the loss of a +lover as no very grievous misfortune. Alas! I could not then estimate +the evil of losing such a friend as Maitland. + +The next morning he came early to claim his audience; not such as I had +seen him the evening before; but calm, self-possessed, and dignified. He +entered upon his subject with apparent effort; telling me that he was +come to give me, if I had the patience to receive it, the explanation to +which he conceived me entitled, after the inadvertencies which had at +different times betrayed his secret. Provoked by his composure, I +answered, that 'explanation was quite unnecessary, since I did not +apprehend that either his conduct or motives could at all affect me.' + +'Suffer me then,' said he, mildly, 'to explain them for my own sake, +that I may, if I can, escape the imputation of caprice.' I made some +light, silly reply; and, affecting the utmost indifference, took my +knotting and sat down. 'Have you no curiosity,' said Maitland, 'to know +how you won and how you have lost a heart that could have loved you +faithfully? Though my affections are of no value to you, you may one day +prize those which the same errors might alienate.' + +'That is not very likely, sir,' said I. 'I shall probably not approach +so near the last stage of celibacy as to catch my advantage of any +wandering fancy which may cross a man's mind.' + +'This was no wandering fancy,' said Maitland, with calm seriousness. +'You are the first woman I ever loved; and I shall retain the most +tender, the most peculiar interest in your welfare, long after what is +painful in my present feelings has passed away. But I must fly while I +can--before I lose the power to relinquish what I know it would be +misery to obtain.' + +'Oh, sir, I assure you that this is a misery I should spare you,' cried +I; my heart swelling with impatience at a style of profession, for it +cannot be called courtship, to which I was so little accustomed. + +'Now this is childish,' said Maitland. 'Are you angry at having escaped +being teazed with useless importunity? If you would have me feel all the +pang of leaving you, call back the candour and sweetness that first +bewitched me. For it was not your beauty, Ellen. I had seen you more +than once ere I observed that you were beautiful, and twenty times ere +I felt it. It was your playful simplicity, your want of all design, your +perfect transparency of mind, that won upon me before I was aware; and +when I was weary of toil and sick of the heartlessness and duplicity of +mankind, I turned to you, and thought--, it matters not what.' + +Maitland paused, but I was in no humour to break the silence. My anger +gave place to a more gentle feeling. I felt that I had possessed, that I +had lost, the approbation of Maitland, and the tears were rising to my +eyes; but the fear that he should ascribe them to regret for the loss of +his stoic-love, forced them back to the proud heart. + +'Yet,' continued Maitland, 'I perceived, pardon my plainness, that your +habits and inclinations were such as must be fatal to every plan of +domestic comfort; and at four-and-thirty a man begins to foresee, that, +after the raptures of the lover are past, the husband has a long life +before him; in which he must either share his joys and his sorrows with +a friend, or exact the submission of an inferior. To be a restraint upon +your pleasure is what I could not endure; yet otherwise they must have +interfered with every pursuit of my life,--nay, must every hour have +shocked my perceptions of right and wrong. Nor is this all,' continued +Maitland, guiding my comprehension by the increased solemnity of his +manner. 'Who that seeks a friend would choose one who would consider his +employments as irksome, his pleasures as fantastic, his hopes as a +dream?--one who would regard the object of his supreme desire as men do +a fearful vision, visiting them unwelcome in their hours of darkness, +but slighted or forgotten in every happier season? No, Ellen! the wife +of a Christian must be more than the toy of his leisure;--she must be +his fellow-labourer, his fellow-worshipper.' + +'Very well, sir!' interrupted I, my spirit of impatience again beginning +to stir. 'Enough of my disqualifications for an office which I really +have no ambition to fill.' + +'I believe you, Miss Percy,' returned Maitland, 'and that belief is all +that reconciles me to my sacrifice;--therefore beware how you weaken it +by these affected airs of scorn. I assure you, they were not necessary +to convince me that you are not to be won unsought. It was this +conviction which made me follow you even when I saw my danger. I +flattered myself that I might be useful to you,--or rather, perhaps, +this was the only device by which I could excuse my weakness to myself. +In a vain trust in the humility of a woman, and a trust yet more vain in +the prudence of a lover, I purposed to conceal my feelings till they +should be lost amidst the cares of a busy life. Your penetration, or my +own imprudence, has defeated that purpose, just as I begin to perceive +that you are too powerful for cares and business. Nothing, then, remains +but to fly whilst I have the power. In a fortnight hence, I shall sail +for the West Indies.' + +I started, as if a dart had pierced me. The utmost which I had +apprehended from Maitland's threats of desertion, was, that he should +withdraw from our family circle. 'For the West Indies!' I faintly +repeated. + +'Yes. It happens not unfortunately that I have business there. But I +have dwelt too long upon myself and my concerns. Since I must "cut off +the right hand," better the stroke were past. I have only one request to +make,--one earnest request, and then----' He paused. I would have asked +the nature of his request, but a rising in my throat threatened to +betray me, and I only ventured an enquiring look. Maitland took my hand: +and the demon of coquetry was now so entirely laid, that I suffered him +to retain it, without a struggle. 'Dear, ever dear Ellen,' said he, +'many an anxious thought will turn to you when we are far +asunder,--repay me for them all, by granting one petition. It is, that +you will confide your difficulties, whatever they be, to Miss Mortimer; +and, when you do so, give her this packet.' + +'No, no,' interrupted I, with quickness. 'The sum I owe Lord Frederick +is a trifle compared to what you suppose it. It was the price of a +bauble,--a vile bauble. It was no secret,--hundreds saw it,--accident, +mere accident made me----' + +Shocked at the emotion I was betraying, and in horror lest Maitland +should impute it to a humbling cause, I suddenly changed my manner; +haughtily declaring that I would neither distress my friend in her +illness nor incur any new obligation. Maitland modestly endeavoured to +shake my determination; but, finding me resolute, he rose to be gone. +'Farewell, Ellen,' said he,--'every blessing----,' the rest could not +reach my ear, but while I have being, I shall remember his look as he +turned from me. It was anguish, rendered more touching by a faint +struggle for a smile, that came like a watery beam upon the troubled +deep, making the sadness more dreary. I turned to a window, and watched +till he disappeared. + +I have lived to be deserted by all mankind,--to wander houseless in a +land of strangers,--to gaze upon the crowds of an unknown city, assured +that I should see no friend,--to be secluded, as in a living grave, from +human intelligence and human sympathy; but never did I feel so +desolately alone, as when I turned to the chamber where Maitland had +been and felt that he was gone. Miss Mortimer's words flashed on my +mind. 'The good and the wise will one by one forsake you.'--'They have +forsaken me! all forsaken me!' I cried, as, throwing myself upon the +ground, I rested my head upon the seat which Maitland had left, hid my +face in my arm, and wept. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + _In a dull stream, which moving slow, + You hardly see the current flow, + When a small breeze obstructs the course, + It whirls about for want of force; + And in its narrow circle, gathers + Nothing but chaff, and straw, and feathers. + The current of a female mind + Stops thus, and turns with every wind. + Thus whirling round, together draws, + Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws._ + + Swift. + + +I imagine that such of my readers as are still in their teens, and of +course expect to find Cupid in ambush at every corner, will now smile +sagaciously, and pronounce, 'that poor Ellen was certainly in love.' If +so, I must unequivocally assert, that, in this instance, their +penetration has failed them. Maitland had piqued my vanity, he had of +late interested my curiosity; his conversation often amused me, and the +more I was accustomed to it, the more it pleased. It is said, that they +who have been restored to sight, find pleasure in the mere exercise of +their newly regained faculty, without reference to its usefulness, or +even to the beauty of the objects they behold; so I, without a thought +of improving by Maitland's conversation, and with feeble perceptions of +its excellence, was pleased to find in it occupation for faculties, +which, but for him, might have slumbered inactive. I had a sort of +filial confidence in his good will, and a respect approaching to +reverence for his abilities and character. But this was all; for amidst +all my follies, I had escaped that susceptibility which makes so many +young women idle, and so many old ones ridiculous. + +Lest, however, my assertion seem liable to the suspicion which attaches +to the declarations of the accused, I shall mention an irrefragable +proof of its truth. In less than twelve hours after Maitland had taken +his final leave, I was engaged in an animated flirtation with Lord +Frederick de Burgh. It is true, that for some days I used to start when +the knocker sounded at the usual hour of Maitland's visit, and to hear +with a vague sensation of disappointment some less familiar step +approach. It is true, that I loved not to see his seat occupied by +others, and that I never again looked towards the spot where he finally +disappeared from my sight, without feeling its association with +something painful. But I suppose it may be laid down as a maxim, that no +woman who is seriously attached to one man, will trifle, _con spirito_, +with another; and my flirtations with Lord Frederick were not only +continued, but soon began to threaten a decisive termination. + +In spite of my father's remonstrance, Lord Frederick's daily visits were +continued; for how could I interdict them after his Lordship had said, +nay sworn, that I must admit him, or make London a desert to him? We +also met often at the house of Lady St Edmunds, where, after Maitland's +departure, I became a more frequent guest than ever. Placable as Miss +Arnold had hitherto found me, I could not immediately forgive her +discovery to Maitland; for, willing to throw from myself the blame of +losing him, I more than half ascribed his desertion to her interference. +In resentment against one favourite, I betook myself with more ardour to +the other; with whom I spent many an hour, more pleasant, it must be +owned, than profitable. + +Lady St Edmunds had a boudoir to which only her most select associates +were admitted. Nothing which taste could approve was wanting to its +decoration,--nothing which sense desires could be added to its luxury. +The walls glowed with the sultry scenes of Claude, and the luxuriant +designs of Titian. The daylight stole mellowed on the eye through a +bower of flowering orange trees and myrtles; or alabaster lamps +imitated the softness of moonshine. Airy Grecian couches lent grace to +the forms which rested on them; and rose-coloured draperies shed on +the cheek a becoming bloom. No cumbrous footmen were permitted to +invade this retreat of luxury. Their office was here supplied by a +fairy-footed smiling girl, whose figure and attire partook the +elegance of all around. Had books been needful to kill the time, here +were abundance well suited to their place; not works of puzzling +science or dull morality; but modern plays, novels enriched with +slanderous tales or caricatures of living characters, and fashionable +sonnets, guarded to the ear of decency, but deadly to her spirit. In +this temple of effeminacy, Lady St Edmunds and I generally passed our +morning hours, and it usually happened that Lord Frederick joined the +party. Here I often called forth my musical powers to delight my +companions, soothed in my turn by the yet sweeter sounds of flattery +and love. The easy manners of my hostess banished all restraint. The +timidity which had at first admired without venturing to copy, fled +before her neat raillery and free example; and high spirits, +encouragement, and inconsiderateness, often led me to the utmost +limits of discretion. + +In such a scene, with such associates, can it be wondered, that I forgot +the manly sense, the hardy virtues of Maitland? No longer counteracted +by his ascendency, or checked by the warnings of Miss Mortimer, Lady St +Edmunds' influence increased every day, and strengthened into an +affection which utterly blinded me to every impropriety in her conduct +and sentiments;--an awful influence, which almost every girl of +seventeen allows more or less to some favourite. Happy the daughter who +finds that favourite where nature has secured to her a real +friend;--happy the mother who gains support for her authority in the +enthusiastic attachments of youth! + +As Lady St Edmunds was no restraint upon me, her presence in our coterie +was rather advantageous to Lord Frederick, banishing the reserve of a +_tête-à-tête_, and allowing him constantly to offer gallantries too +indirect to provoke repulse, yet too pointed to be overlooked. Indeed, +such attentions from him were now become so habitual to me, that I +accepted of them as things of course, without consideration either of +motive or consequence. They amused and flattered me; and amusement and +flattery were the sum of my desires. + +Things were in this train, when, one morning, the usual party being met +in the boudoir, Lady St Edmunds was called away to receive a visiter. +She went without ceremony; for she never reminded me of our difference +of rank, by any of those correct formalities by which the great are +accustomed to distance their inferiors. She gaily enjoined Lord +Frederick to entertain me; and he accepted of the office with a look +which prompted me, I know not why, to move hastily towards a harp, on +which I struck some chords. Lord Frederick stopped me; addressing me so +much more seriously than he had ever done before, that, in my surprise, +I suffered him to proceed without interruption. In the warmest phrase of +passion he besought me to tell him how long I meant to continue his +lingering probation; and protested, that he was no longer able to endure +my delays. The presumptuousness of this language was softened by tones +and gestures so humble, that I found it impossible to be angry! but I +was not a little confounded at a security which I had been far from +intending to authorise. Recovering myself as well as I was able, I +affected to receive his protestations in jest, telling him his +gallantries were now so hackneyed, that I had already exhausted all my +wit in replying to them; and that if he wished to find me at all +entertaining, he must positively call a new subject. + +His Lordship abated nothing of his solemnity. He fell upon his knees, +conjured me to be serious, and talked of as many cruelties, racks, and +tortures, as would have furnished the dungeons of the Inquisition; yet +still the drift of his rhetoric seemed to be only this, that he had now +been for a very competent time the martyr of my charms, and therefore +was entitled to claim his reward. + +Though somewhat alarmed, I still tried to laugh off the attack; telling +him that he had changed his manner much to the worse, since gravity in +him seemed the most preposterous thing in nature. 'Was it possible,' +Lord Frederick enquired with a tragedy exclamation, 'that I could thus +punish him for a disguise of gaiety which he had assumed only to mislead +indifferent eyes, but which he was certain had never deceived my +penetration?' And then he boldly appealed to my candour, 'whether I had +ever for a moment misunderstood him?' Too much startled and confounded +to persevere in my levity, I replied in the words of simple truth, 'that +I had never bestowed any consideration upon his meaning, since my father +had settled the matter.' + +Lord Frederick poured forth all the established forms of abuse against +parental authority; execrating, in a most lover-like manner, the idea of +subjecting the affections to its control, and protesting his belief that +I had too much spirit to sacrifice him to such tyranny. Piqued at my +lover's implied security, I answered, 'that I had no inclination to +resist my father's will; and that so long as he did not require me to +marry any man who was particularly disagreeable to me, I should very +willingly leave a negative in his power.' Lord Frederick struck his hand +upon his forehead, and raised his handkerchief to his eyes, as if to +conceal extreme agitation. 'Cruel, cruel, Miss Percy!' he cried, 'if +such are, indeed, your sentiments,--if you are, indeed, determined to +submit to the decision of your inhuman father, why--why did you, with +such barbarous kindness, restore the hopes which he had destroyed? Why +did you, in this very room, allow me to hope that you would reward my +faithful love,--that you would fly with me to that happy land where +marriage is still free!' + +My masquerade folly thus recalled to my recollection, the blood rushed +tumultuously to my face and bosom. Unable to repel the charge, and +terrified by this glimpse of the shackles which my imprudence had forged +for me, I stammered out, that, 'whatever I might have said in a +thoughtless moment, I was sure that no friend of Lord Frederick's or +mine would advise either of us to so rash a step.' + +'No friend of mine,' returned Lord Frederick, using the gestures of +drying his fine blue eyes, 'shall ever again be consulted. Could I have +foreseen your cruel treatment, never would I have put it in the power, +even of my nearest relative, to injure you by publishing the hopes you +had given.' + +The hint, conveyed in these words, was not lost upon me. I concluded, +that Lord Frederick had thought himself authorised to talk of the +encouragement he had received. Our sense of impropriety is rarely so +just as to gain nothing from anticipating the judgment of our +fellow-creatures; and the levity which I had practised as an innocent +trifling, took a very different form, when I saw it by sympathy, in the +light in which it might soon be seen by hundreds. The folly into which I +had been seduced by malice, vanity, and the love of amusement, would +stand charactered in the world's sentence, as unjustifiable coquetry. +Viewed in its consequences, as ruinous to the peace of a heart that +loved me, I myself scarcely bestowed upon it a gentler name. + +Confused, perplexed, and distressed, not daring to meet the eye of the +man whom I had injured, I sat looking wistfully towards the door, more +eager to escape from my present embarrassment than able to provide +against the future. Lord Frederick instantly saw his advantage. 'I have +wronged you, my heavenly Ellen,' he cried, throwing himself in rapture +at my feet. 'I see that, upon reflection, you will yet allow my claim. +How could I suspect my dear, generous Miss Percy of trifling with the +fondest passion that ever warmed a human breast!' + +I involuntarily recoiled, for I had never been less tenderly disposed +towards Lord Frederick than at that moment. 'Really, my Lord,' I said, +'even if I could return all this enthusiasm, which indeed I cannot, I +should give a poor specimen of my generosity by consenting to involve +you in the difficulties which might be the consequence of disobliging my +father.' + +Lord Frederick cursed wealth in the most disinterested manner +imaginable,--swore that 'the possession of his adorable Ellen was all he +asked of Heaven,'--and fervently wished, that 'the splendour of his +fortune, and the humbleness of mine, had given him an opportunity of +proving how lightly he prized the dross when put in balance with my +charms.' Though the loftiness of this style was too incongruous with +Lord Frederick's general manner to excite no surprise, I must own, that +it awakened not one doubt of his sincerity,--for what will not vanity +believe? The more credit I gave his generosity, the more did I feel the +injustice of my past conduct, yet the more painful it became to enter +upon explanation; and I was not yet practised enough in coquetry to +suppress the embarrassment which faltered on my tongue, as I told Lord +Frederick, that 'I was sorry--very sorry, and much astonished; and that +I had never suspected him of allowing such a romantic fancy to take +possession of his mind; that my father's determination must excuse me to +his Lordship and to the world, for refusing to sanction his hopes.' + +Lord Frederick, in answer, vehemently averred, that his hopes had no +connection with my father's decision, since, after that decision, he had +been permitted to express his passion without repulse. He recalled +several thoughtless concessions which I had forgotten as soon as made. +Without formal detail, he dexterously contrived to remind me of the ring +which I had allowed him to keep; and of the clandestine correspondence +which I had begun from folly, and continued from weakness. He again +referred to my half consent at the masquerade. Finally, he once more +appealed to myself, whether, all these circumstances considered, his +hopes deserved to be called presumptuous. + +During this almost unanswerable appeal, I had instinctively moved +towards the door; but Lord Frederick placed himself so as to intercept +my escape. Terrified, and revolting from the bonds which awaited me, yet +conscious that I had virtually surrendered my freedom,--eager to escape +from an engagement which yet I had not the courage to break,--I began a +hesitating, incoherent reply; but I felt like one who is roused from the +oppression of nightmare, when it was interrupted by the entrance of +Lady St Edmunds. I almost embraced my friend in my gratitude for this +fortunate deliverance; but I was too much disconcerted to prolong my +visit; and, taking a hasty leave, I returned home. + +I had so long been accustomed to find relief from every difficulty in +the superior ingenuity of Miss Arnold, that my late resentment, which +had already begun to evaporate, entirely gave way to my habitual +dependence upon her counsels. Not that I, at the time, acknowledged this +motive to myself. Far from it. I placed my renewed confidence solely to +the credit of a generous placability of nature; for when any action of +mine claimed kindred with virtue, I could not afford to enquire too +seriously into its real parentage. However, I took an early opportunity +of acquainting Juliet with my dilemma. But my friend's readiness of +resource appeared now to have forsaken her. She protested that 'no +surprise could exceed hers; that she had never suspected Lord Frederick +of carrying the matter so far.' She feared 'that, however unjustly, he +might consider himself as aggrieved by a sudden rupture of our intimacy; +hinted how much the affair might be misrepresented by the industrious +malice of Lady Maria; and lamented that, on such occasions, a censorious +world was but too apt to take part with the accuser. But then, to be +sure, every thing must be ventured rather than disobey my father: she +would be the last person to advise me to a breach of duty, though she +had little doubt that it would be speedily forgiven.' + +In short, all my skill in cross-examination was insufficient to discover +whether Miss Arnold thought I should dismiss Lord Frederick, or fly with +him to Scotland; or, taking that middle course so inviting to those who +waver between the right and the convenient, endeavour to keep him in +suspense till circumstances should guide my decision. Like a prudent +counsellor, she gave no direct advice, except that which alone she was +certain would be followed: she entreated me to hear the opinion of Lady +St Edmunds, and then to judge for myself. + +The opinion of Lady St Edmunds was much more explicitly given. She +insisted that an overstrained delicacy made me trifle with the man whom +I really preferred. She laughed at my denials; asserting that it was +impossible I could be such a little actress as to have deceived all my +acquaintance, not one of whom entertained a doubt of my partiality for +Lord Frederick. One exception to this position I remembered with a sigh; +but he who best could have read my heart, and most wisely guided it, +was already far on his way to another hemisphere. In vain did I protest +my indifference towards all mankind. Lady St Edmunds, kissing my cheek, +told me she would save my blushes, by guessing for me what I had not yet +confessed to myself. + +'Well!' cried I, a little impatiently, 'if I am in love with Lord +Frederick, I am sure I don't wish to marry him. I cannot be mistaken +upon that point. Some time ago, I should not much have cared; but now, +_indeed_ I would rather not.' + +'Why should you be more reluctant now than formerly,' enquired Lady St +Edmunds, looking me intently in the face, 'unless you have begun to +prefer another?' + +'Oh, not at all,' answered I, with great simplicity; 'I prefer nobody in +particular. But of late I have sometimes thought that, if I must marry, +I would have a husband whom I could respect,--whom all the world +respect; one who could enlighten and convince, ay, and awe other men; +one who need only raise his hand to silence an assembled nation; one +whose very glance----' + +I stopped, and the glow which warmed my cheek deepened with an altered +feeling; for a smile began to play upon the lip of Lady St Edmunds, and +where is the enthusiasm that shrinks not from a smile? My friend, +laughing, asked which of the heroes of romance I chose to have revived +for my mate. 'But,' added she, shaking her head, 'when Oroondates makes +his appearance, we must not let Frederick tell tales; for constancy and +generosity were indispensable to a heroine in his time.' + +Seeing me look disconcerted, she paused; then throwing her white arm +round my neck, 'My dearest Ellen,' said she, 'let me candidly own that +your treatment of poor De Burgh is not quite what I should have expected +from you. But,' continued she, with a tender sigh, 'had you been all +that my partiality expected, you must have become too--too dear to me! +You would have wiled my heart away from all living beings.' + +'Dear Lady St Edmunds,' cried I, clasping her to my breast, 'tell me +what you expect from me now, and trust me I will never disappoint you.' + +'My charming girl!' exclaimed Lady St Edmunds, 'far be it from me to +dictate to you. Let your own excellent heart and understanding be your +counsellors.' + +'Indeed,' returned I, 'it would be an act of real charity to decide for +me. I am so terribly bewildered. I would not for the world act basely to +Lord Frederick; and I rather think that before he began to teaze me +about marrying him, I liked him better than any body--that is than any +man--almost. But then when I think of my father--and I love him so +dearly, and he has no other child--no one to love him but only me! +Indeed I cannot bear to thwart him.' + +'My dear Ellen,' said Lady St Edmunds, 'I believe your father to be a +very worthy old gentleman, and I have a great respect for him; but, +indeed, his cause could not be committed to worse hands than mine; for I +can see no earthly business that he has to interfere in the matter. It +is not he who is to be married. For my own part, I married in very spite +of my father; and if I live till my children are marriageable, I shall +assuredly be reasonable enough to let them be happy in their own way.' + +For a while, I defended the parental right, or rather the natural +sentiment which still remained to restrain my folly;--but the proper +foundation of filial duty, of all duty, was wanting in my mind, and +therefore the superstructure was unstable as the vapour curling before +the breeze. Even my good propensities had not the healthy nature of real +virtue. They were at best but the fevered flush adorning my sickly state +in the eyes of others, and fatally disguising it from my own. By +frequent argument, by occasional reflections, and by dexterous +confounding of truth and falsehood, Lady St Edmunds so far darkened my +moral perceptions, that Lord Frederick's claim seemed to outweigh that +of my father. Nor was the task hard; for honour and humanity are sounds +more soothing to human pride than the harsh name of submission. + +Lord Frederick himself meanwhile watched vigilantly over his own +interests, and was abundantly importunate and encroaching. Miss Arnold, +indeed, continued to affect prudent counsels; but while she offered me +such feeble dissuasives as rather served to excite than to deter, she +procured or invented intelligence, which, with every expression of +indignation, she communicated to me, that Lady Maria had so far +misrepresented my indiscretion at the masquerade, as to make my marriage +with Lord Frederick a matter of prudence at least, if not of necessity. + +Thus goaded on every side, without steadiness to estimate the real +extent of my difficulties, or resolution to break through them, having +no special dislike to Lord Frederick, nor any conscious preference for +another, I sanctioned in weakness the claims which I had conferred in +folly. I gave my lover permission to believe that I would soon reward +his constancy; if it can be called reward to obtain a wife, whose +violation of her early ties gives the strongest pledge that she will +disregard those which are new. + +Still a lingering reluctance, the constitution of my sex, and the +expiring struggles of duty, made me defer, from time to time, the +performance of my engagement. But I was hurried at last into its +fulfilment, by one of those casualties which are allowed to decide the +most important concerns of the thoughtless and unprincipled. My father +one day surprised Lord Frederick at my feet; and, glad perhaps of an +opportunity to mark his contempt for the artificial distinctions of +society, as well as justly indignant at the disregard shown to his +injunctions, he dismissed my lover from the house, in terms more decided +than courtly. + +As my father had four stout footmen to enforce his commands, his +Lordship had no choice but acquiescence. He therefore retired; and my +father, raising his foot to the panel of the room door, shut it with a +force that made the house shake. His sense of dignity for once giving +way to indignation, my father, instead of taking his well-known posture +of exhortation with his back to the fire, walked up to me, and strongly +grasping my hand, exclaimed, 'What the d--l do you mean, Ellen Percy? +Did not I tell you, I wouldn't have this puppy of a lord coming here a +fortune-hunting? Don't I know the kidney of you all; Don't I know, that +if you let a fellow chatter nonsense to you long enough, he is sure of +you at last?--Look you, Ellen Percy, let me have no more of this. I can +give you three hundred thousand pounds, and I have a scheme in my head +that may make it twice as much;--and I'll have your eldest son called +John Percy, ay, and his son after him; and you shall marry no proud, +saucy, aristocratical beggar, to look down upon the man who was the +making of him; d----n me, if you do, Ellen Percy.' Then throwing my arm +from him, with a vehemence that made me stagger, he quitted the room. + +Even in minds far better regulated than mine, violence is more likely to +produce resentment than submission. My surprise quickly gave place to +indignation. The unceremonious expulsion of my visiter seemed nothing +short of an insult. To place me at the head of a family into which I +must admit no guest without permission, was treating me like a baby!--a +disgrace scarcely endurable to those who are still a little doubtful of +their right to be treated like women. + +I earnestly recommend to all ladies who see cause of offence against +their rightful governors (an accident which will sometimes happen, +notwithstanding the universal meekness of ladies, and the well-known +moderation of gentlemen,) never to indulge in meditations upon past +injury, much less to exercise their prophetic eye upon future +aggression. Ill-humour gives contingent evils such a marvellous +appearance of certainty, that we seldom think it unjust to punish them +as if already committed. + +No inference should have been drawn from my father's hasty words, except +that, being spoken in anger, they could not convey his permanent +sentiments; but I pondered them until I discovered that they clearly +foretold my being sacrificed to some ugly, old, vulgar, ignorant, gouty, +purse-proud, blinking-eyed, bandy-legged, stock-jobbing animal, with a +snuff-coloured coat, a brown wig, and a pen behind his ear. No wonder if +the assured prospect of such outrage redoubled mine ire! + +But it had not yet reached its consummation. At dinner, Miss Arnold +happened to mention a public breakfast, to which Lady B---- had invited +us for the following morning. My father, who was far from affecting +privacy in his injunctions or reproofs, informed me, without +circumlocution, that I should go neither to Lady B----'s nor any where +else, till I gave him my word of honour that I would have no intercourse +with Lord Frederick de Burgh. 'I must stay at home, then,' said I, with +an air of surly resolution; 'for there is to be a ball after the +breakfast, and I have promised to dance with Lord Frederick.' + +'Eat your breakfast at home then, Miss Percy,' said my father; 'and no +fear but you shall have as good a one as any Lady B---- in the land.' + +Great was my disappointment at this sentence; for I had procured for the +occasion a dress upon which Lady Maria de Burgh had fixed her heart, +when there was no longer time to make another robe with similar +embroidery. But my wrath scorned to offer entreaty or compromise; and, +leaving the table, I retreated to my chamber, seeking sullen comfort in +the thought that I might soon emancipate myself from thraldom. In the +course of the evening, however, Miss Arnold, whose influence with my +father had of late increased surprizingly, found means to obtain a +mitigation of his sentence; but the good humour which might have been +restored by this concession, was banished by an angry command to refrain +from all such engagements with Lord Frederick for the future. + +The next morning, while we were at breakfast (for a public breakfast by +no means supersedes the necessity of a private one) my father received a +letter, which he read with visible discomposure; and, hastily quitting +his unfinished meal, immediately left the house. I was somewhat startled +by his manner, and Miss Arnold appeared to sympathise still more deeply +in his uneasiness; but the hour of dressing approached, and, in that +momentous concern, I forgot my father's disquiet. + +The fête passed as fêtes are wont to do. Every one wore the face of +pleasure, and a few were really pleased. The dancing began, and I joined +in it with Lord Frederick. Among the spectators who crowded round the +dancers, were Lady Maria de Burgh and her silly Strephon, Lord +Glendower. I at first imagined that she declined dancing, because the +lady who was first in the set was one of whom she might have found it +difficult to obtain precedence; but, just as it was my turn to begin, +she advanced and took her station above me. Provoked by an impertinence +which I ought to have despised, I remonstrated against this breach of +ball-room laws. Lady Maria answered, with a haughty smile, that she +rather conceived she had a right to dance before me. In vain did Lord +Frederick interfere. In vain did I angrily represent, that the right +claimed by her Ladyship ceased after the dance was begun. How could Lady +Maria yield while the disputed dress was full in her eye? At last, +seeing that the dance was suspended by our dispute, I proposed to those +who stood below me, that, rather than allow such an infringement of our +privileges, we should sit down. They, however, had no inclination to +punish themselves for the ill-breeding of another; and I, scorning to +yield, indignantly retired alone. + +Lord Frederick followed me, as usual; and--but why should I dwell upon +my folly? Remaining displeasure against my father, a desire to have +revenge and precedence of Lady Maria, overcame for an hour my reluctance +to the fulfilment of my ill-starred engagement; and in that hour, Lord +Frederick had obtained my consent to set out with him the very next +morning for Scotland. Such are the amiable motives that sometimes enter +into what is called a love match! + +To prevent suspicion, and by that means to delay pursuit, it was agreed, +that Lady St Edmunds should be made acquainted with our design; that she +should call for me early, and convey me in her carriage to Barnet, where +she was to resign me to the guardianship of my future lord. Miss Arnold +I determined not to trust; because she had of late been accustomed to +beg, with a very moral shake of the head, that I would never confide an +intended elopement to her, lest she should feel it a duty to acquaint my +father with my purpose. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + _Fair laughs the morn, and soft the zephyr blows, + While, proudly riding o'er the azure realm, + In gallant trim the gilded vessel goes, + Youth on the prow, and pleasure at the helm; + Regardless of the sweeping whirlwind's sway, + That, hush'd in grim repose, expects his evening prey._ + + Gray. + + +No sooner had I acquiesced in the arrangements for that event which was +to seal my destiny, than a confused feeling of regret came upon me. An +oppression stole upon my spirits. The sounds of flattery and +protestation I heard like a drowsy murmur, reaching the ear without +impressing the mind; and the gay forms of my companions flitted before +me like their fellow-moths in the sun-beam, which the eye pursues, but +not the thoughts. Yet I had not resolution to quit the scene, which had +lost its charms for me. To think of meeting my father's eye; or being +left to meditate alone in a home which I was so soon to desert; of +seeing the objects which had been familiar to my childhood wear the +dreary aspect of that which we look upon perhaps for the last time, +might have appalled one far better enured than I to dare the assaults of +pain. But at last even the haunts of dissipation were forsaken by the +throng, and I had no choice but to go. + +Late in the night, silently, with the stealthy pace of guilt, I +re-entered that threshold which, till now, I had never trod but with the +first step of confidence. With breath suppressed, with the half reverted +eye of fear, I passed my father's chamber; as superstition passes the +haunt of departed spirits. In profound silence I suffered my attendant +to do her office; then threw myself upon my bed, with an eager but +fruitless wish to escape the tumult of my thoughts in forgetfulness. + +Sleep, however, came not at my bidding. Yet, watchful as I was, I might +rather be said to dream than to think. A well ordered mind can dare to +confront difficulty,--can choose whether patience shall endure, or +prudence mitigate, or resolution overcome, the threatened evil. But when +was this vigorous frame of soul gained in the lap of self-indulgence? +When was the giant foiled by him who is accustomed to shrink even from +shadows? The dread of my father's displeasure,--an undefined reluctance +to the connection I was forming,--these, and a thousand other feelings +which crowded on my mind, were met with the plea, that no choice now +remained to me; the stale resort of those who are averse from their +fate, but more averse from the exertion which might overcome it. The +upbraidings of conscience, I answered with the supposed claims of +honour; silencing the inward voice, which might have told me, how +culpable was that levity which had set justice and filial duty at +unnatural variance. Considerate review of the past, rational plan for +the future, had no more place in my thoughts, than in the fevered fancy +that sees on every side a thousand unsightly shapes, which, ere it can +define one of them, have given place to a thousand more. At last this +turmoil yielded to mere bodily exhaustion; and my distressful musings +were interrupted by short slumbers, from which I started midway in my +fall from the precipice, or chilled with struggling in the flood. + +I rose long before my usual hour, and sought relief from inaction in +preparations for my ill-omened journey. After selecting and packing up +some necessary articles of dress, I sat down to write a few lines to be +delivered to my father after my departure. But I found it impossible to +express my feelings, yet disguise my purpose; and having written nearly +twenty billets, and destroyed them all, I determined to defer asking +forgiveness till I had consummated my offence. + +The hour of breakfast, which my father always insisted upon having +punctually observed, was past before I could summon courage to enter the +parlour. I approached the door; then, losing resolution, retired;--drew +near again, and listened whether my father's voice sounded from within. +All was still, and I ventured to proceed, ashamed that a servant, who +stood near, should witness my hesitation. I cast a timid glance towards +my father's accustomed seat; it was vacant, and I drew a deep breath, as +if a mountain had been lifted from my breast. 'Where is Mr Percy?' I +enquired. 'He went out early, ma'am,' answered the servant, 'and said he +should not breakfast at home.' Miss Arnold and I sat down to a silent +and melancholy meal. I could neither speak of the subject which weighed +upon my heart, nor force my attention to any other theme. + +And now a new distress assailed me. While I had every moment expected +the presence of an injured parent, dread of that presence was all +powerful. But now when that expectation was withdrawn, my soul recoiled +from tearing asunder the bonds of affection, ere they were loosened by +one parting word,--one look of farewell. I remembered, that our last +intercourse had been chilled by mutual displeasure, and could I go +without uttering one kindly expression?--without striving to win one +little endearment which I might treasure in my heart, as perhaps a last +relic of a father's love? I quitted my scarcely tasted meal, to watch at +a window for his coming. My eye accidentally rested on the spot where +Maitland had disappeared, and another shade was added to the dark colour +of my thoughts. 'He will never know,' thought I, 'how deeply my honour +is pledged; and what will he think of me, when he hears that I have left +my father?--left him without even one farewell! No! this I will not do.' + +The resolution was scarcely formed, when I saw Lady St Edmunds' carriage +drive rapidly up to the door. I hastened to receive her; and drawing her +apart, informed her of my father's absence, and besought her, either to +send or go, and excuse me to Lord Frederick for this one day at least. +Lady St Edmunds expostulated against this instance of caprice. She +represented my father's absence as a favourable circumstance tending to +save me the pain of suppressing, and the danger of betraying my +feelings. She protested, that she would never be accessory to inflicting +so cruel a disappointment upon a lover of Lord Frederick's passionate +temperament. She remonstrated so warmly against the barbarity of such a +breach of promise, and expressed such apprehension of its consequences, +that, in the blindness of vanity, I suffered myself to imagine it more +inhuman to destroy an expectation of yesterday, than to blight the hopes +of seventeen years. Lady St Edmunds immediately followed up her victory, +and hurried me away. + +I sought the companion of my early day, and hastily took such an +ambiguous farewell as my fatal secret would allow. 'Juliet,' said I, +wringing her hand, 'I must leave you for a while. If my father miss me, +you must supply my place. I charge you, dearest Juliet, if you have any +regard for me, show him such kindness as--as I ought to have done.' My +strange expressions,--my faltering voice,--my strong emotion, could not +escape the observation of Miss Arnold; but she was determined not to +discover a secret which it was against her interest to know. With an air +of the most unconscious carelessness, she dropped the hand which +lingered in her hold; and not a shade crossed the last smile that ever +she bestowed upon the friend of her youth. + +A dark mist spread before my eyes, as I quitted the dwelling of my +father; and ere I was again sensible to the objects which surrounded me, +all that had been familiar to my sight were left far behind. Lady St +Edmunds cheered my failing spirits,--she soothed me with the words of +kindness,--pressed me to become her guest immediately on my return from +Scotland,--and to call her house my home, until my reconciliation with +my father; a reconciliation of which she spoke as of no uncertain event. +She interested me by lively characters of my new connections, pointing +out, with great acuteness, my probable avenues to the favour of each, +although it appeared that she herself had missed the way. Her +conversation had its usual effect upon me; and, by the time we reached +Barnet, my elastic spirits had in part risen from their depression. Yet, +when we stopped at the inn-door, something in the nature of woman made +me shrink from the expected sight of my bridegroom; and I drew back into +the corner of the carriage, while Lady St Edmunds alighted. But the +flush of modesty deepened to that of anger, when I perceived that my +lover was not waiting to welcome his bride. 'A good specimen this of the +ardour of a secure admirer,' thought I, as in moody silence I followed +my companion into a parlour. + +The attendant whom Lady St Edmunds had despatched to enquire for Lord +Frederick now returned to inform her that his Lordship had not arrived. +'He must be here in five minutes at farthest,' said Lady St Edmunds, in +answer to a kind of sarcastic laugh with which I received this +intimation; and she stationed herself at a window, to watch for his +arrival, while I affected to be wholly occupied with the portraits of +the Durham Ox and the Godolphin Arabian. The five minutes, however, were +doubly past, and still no Lord Frederick appeared. Lady St Edmunds +continued to watch for them, foretelling his approach in every carriage +that drove up; but when her prediction had completely failed, she began +to lose patience. 'I could have betted a thousand guineas,' said she, +'that he would serve us this trick; for he never kept an appointment in +his life.' + +'His Lordship need not hurry himself,' said I, 'for I mean to beg a +place in your Ladyship's carriage to town.' + +After another pause, however, Lady St Edmunds declared her opinion, that +some accident must have befallen her nephew. 'Only an accident to his +memory, madam, I fancy,' said I, and went on humming an opera tune. + +After waiting, however, nearly an hour, my spirit could brook the slight +no longer; and I impatiently urged Lady St Edmunds to return with me +instantly to town. My friend, for a while, endeavoured to obtain some +further forbearance towards the tardy bridegroom; but, finding me +peremptory, she consented to go. Still, however, she contrived to delay +our departure, by calling for refreshments, and ordering her horses to +be fed. At length my indignant pride overcoming even the ascendency of +Lady St Edmunds, I impatiently declared, that if she would not instantly +accompany me, I would order a carriage, and return home alone. + +We had now remained almost two hours at the inn; and my companion +beginning herself to despair of Lord Frederick's appearance, no longer +protracted our stay. She had already ordered her sociable to the door, +when a horseman was heard gallopping up with such speed, that, before +she could reach the window, he was already dismounted. 'This must be he +at last!' cried Lady St Edmunds. 'Now he really deserves that you should +torment him a little.' + +A man's step approached the door. It opened, and I turned away pouting, +yet cast back a look askance, to ascertain whether the intruder was Lord +Frederick. I saw only a servant, who delivered a letter to Lady St +Edmunds, and retired. The renewed anger and mortification which swelled +my breast were soon, however, diverted by an exclamation from my +companion, of astonishment not unmixed with dismay. Strong curiosity now +mingled with my indignant feelings. I turned to Lady St Edmunds; and +thought I gathered from her confused expressions, that she held in her +hand a letter of apology from Lord Frederick, which also contained +intelligence of disastrous importance. + +What this intelligence was, I saw that she hesitated to announce. Her +hesitation alarmed me, for I was obliged to infer from it, that she had +news to communicate which concerned me yet more nearly than the +desertion of Lord Frederick. Already in a state of irritation which +admitted not of cool enquiry, I mixed my scornful expressions of +indifference as to the conduct of my renegado lover, with breathless, +half-uttered questions of its cause. 'Indeed, Miss Percy,' stammered +Lady St Edmunds, 'it is a very--very disagreeable office which Lord +Frederick has thought fit to lay upon me. To be sure, every one is +liable to misfortune, and I dare say you will show that you can bear it +with proper spirit. Your father--but you tremble--you had better swallow +a little wine.' + +'What of my father?' I exclaimed; and with an impatience which burst +through all restraints, I snatched the letter from her hands; and, in +spite of her endeavours to prevent me, glanced over its contents. I have +accidentally preserved this specimen of modern sentiment, and shall here +transcribe it:-- + + 'My dear St E.,--The Percys are blown to the devil. The old one has + failed for near a million. By the luckiest chance upon earth, I + heard of it not five minutes before I was to set out. See what a + narrow escape I have had from blowing out my own brains. I would + have despatched Hodson sooner, but waited to make sure of the fact. + I shall set about Darnel immediately--a confounded exchange, for + the Percy was certainly the finest girl in London. By the by, make + the best story you can for me. I know she likes me, for all her + wincing; and I shall need some little private comfort, if I marry + that ugly thing Darnel. + + 'Yours ever, + 'F. DE BURGH. + + 'You need not quake for your five thousand--Darnel will bite at + once.' + +The amazement with which I read this letter instantly gave place to +doubts of the misfortune which it announced. I had been so accustomed to +rest secure in the possession of splendid affluence, that a sudden +reverse appeared incredible. It occurred to me that some groundless +report must have misled Lord Frederick, who was thus outwitted by his +own avarice. But, when I reached the close of his sentimental billet, +scorn and indignation overpowered every other feeling. 'The luckiest +chance!' I exclaimed. 'Well may he call it so! Oh what a wretch have I +escaped! What a complication of all that is basest and vilest!--No!' +said I, detaining with a disdainful smile the letter, which Lady St +Edmunds reached her hand to receive, 'No! this I will keep, as a +memorial of the disinterestedness of man, and the "passionate +temperament" of Lord Frederick de Burgh. Now, I suppose your Ladyship +will not object to returning instantly to town.' + +Lady St Edmunds, who actually seemed to quail beneath my eye, made no +objection to this proposal; but followed in silence, as I haughtily led +the way to the carriage. We entered, and it drove rapidly homewards. + +My thoughts again recurring to the letter, another light now flashed +upon me; and a stronger burst of resentment swelled my heart. 'This +epistle,' I suddenly exclaimed, 'is a master-teacher. It shows me the +sincerity of friends, as well as the tenderness of lovers. Where was +your boasted friendship, Lady St Edmunds?--where was your common +humanity, when you took advantage of a foolish pity--a mistaken sense of +honour--to lure me into a marriage with that heartless earth-worm? Me, +whom you pretended to love,--me, whom in common justice and +gratitude----' The remembrance of all my affection for this treacherous +friend choked my voice, and forced bitter--bitter tears to my eyes; but +pride, with a strong effort, suppressed the gentler feeling, and I +turned scornfully from the futile excuses and denials of my false +counsellor. + +Resentment, however, at length began to give place to apprehension, when +I reflected upon the decisive terms in which Lord Frederick announced my +father's ruin, and the certainty which he must have attained of the +fact, before he could have determined finally to relinquish his pursuit. +Some circumstances tended to confirm his assertion. I now recollected +the letter which my father had read with such evident emotion; and his +unusual absence in the morning, before the customary hours of business. +I vainly endeavoured to balance against these his late boast of his +immense possessions, and the improbability of a wreck so sudden. + +In spite of myself, an anxious dread fell upon me. My knees trembled; my +face now glowed with a hurried flush; and now a cold shudder ran through +my limbs. But disdaining to expose my alarm to her who had betrayed my +security, I proudly struggled with my anguish, affecting a careless +disbelief of my misfortune, and an easy scorn of the summer friendships +which had fled from its very name. I even strove to jest upon Lord +Frederick's premature desertion, bursting at times into wild hysterical +laughter. + +The duration of our journey seemed endless; yet when I came within sight +of my father's house, I would have given a universe to delay the +certainty of what I feared. Every breath became almost a sob,--every +movement convulsive, while, in the agony of suppressed emotion, I fixed +my straining eyes upon my home, as if they could have penetrated into +the souls of its inhabitants. The carriage stopped; and, scarcely +hearing Lady St Edmunds' polite excuse for not entering the house of +mourning, I sprang towards the door. + +It was long ere my repeated summons was answered. 'Has my father enquired +for me?' I hastily demanded, as I entered. + +'No, ma'am,--he never spoke.' + +'Is he at home?' + +'Mr Percy is--is in the house, ma'am, but----' The man paused, and his +face wore a ghastly expression of horror. + +A dark and shapeless dread rushed across my mind; but the cup was +already full, and I could bear no more. I sunk down in strong +convulsions. + +And must I recall those hours of horror?--Must I bare, one by one, the +wounds which no time can heal?--Must I retrace, step by step, the +fearful way which led me to the very verge of madness? + +Could I but escape one horrible picture, I would meet, without +recoiling, the remembrance of the rest. But it must not be. To make my +melancholy tale intelligible, the arrow must once more enter into my +soul, and the truth be told, though it palsy the hand that writes it. + +A long forgetfulness was varied only by dim recollections, which came +and went like the fitful dreams of delirium. My first distinct +impression of the past was formed, when, awaking as if from a deep +sleep, I found myself alone in my chamber. My flight,--the humiliation +which it had brought upon me,--the treachery of my friend,--the prospect +of ruin, all stood at once before me. + +My soul, already wounded by affection abused, felt the deserted +loneliness in which I was left as a confirmation of the dreaded evil. +Juliet Arnold, the companion of my pleasures, came to my thoughts, and +her absence stung me like neglect. 'All, all have forsaken me,' thought +I. 'Yet there is one heart still open to me. My father will love me +still. My father will take me to his breast. And if I must hear the +worst, I will hear it from him who has never betrayed me,--who will +never cast me off.' + +With thoughts like these I quitted my bed, and stole feebly towards my +father's apartment. The lights which were wont to blaze cheerfully,--the +attendants who used to crowd the halls,--were vanished. A dark twilight +faintly showed my way. A strange and dreary silence reigned around me. + +I entered my father's chamber. A red glare from the sky gave it a dismal +increase of light. Upon a couch lay a form that seemed my father's. The +face I saw not. A cloth frightfully stained with blood----No!--It cannot +be told. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + _----And yet I breathed! + But not the breath of human life! + A serpent round my heart was wreathed, + And stung my every thought to strife. + Alike all time! Abhorred all place! + Shuddering I shrunk from nature's face, + Where every line that charmed before, + The blackness of my bosom wore._ + + Lord Byron. + + +From long and dangerous faintings, I revived almost to frenzy. I shed no +tears. These are the expression of a milder form of suffering. One +horrible image filled my soul; one sense of anguish so strong, so +terrible, that every other feeling,--every faculty of mind and body was +benumbed in its grasp. Vainly did my awful duties summon me to their +performance. I was incapable of action, almost of thought. My eye +wandered over surrounding objects, but saw them not. The words which +were spoken to me conveyed no meaning to my mind. + +At length the form of my early friend seemed to flit before me. She +spoke; and though I could not follow the meaning of her words, the +sounds were those of kindness. The familiar voice, long associated with +so many kindly thoughts, reached the heart, waking a milder tone of +feeling; and resting my throbbing head upon her breast, I found relief +in a passionate burst of tears. Little did I think how small was the +share which friendship or compassion could claim in this visit of my +friend to the house of mourning! Little did I guess that its chief +motive was to rescue the gifts of my prodigality from being confounded +with the property of a bankrupt! + +She did not long remain with me; for friends more sympathising than she +are soon weary of witnessing the unrestrained indulgence of grief. Yet +she did not leave me abruptly. She was too much accustomed to follow the +smooth path of conciliation, that she continued to pursue it even when +it no longer promised advantage; and she satisfied me with some +plausible excuse for going, and with a promise of speedy return. + +The tears which for many hours I continued to shed relieved my oppressed +spirit; and by degrees I awoke to a full sense of my altered state. From +the proudest security of affluence,--from a fearless confidence in +myself, and in all around me, one fatal stroke had dashed me for ever. A +darker storm had burst upon me, and wrought a ruin more deep, more +irretrievable. That tie, which not the hardest heart resigns without +pain, had been torn from mine with force sudden and terrible; and a pang +unutterable had been added to that misfortune which turns love, and +reverence, and gratitude into anguish. What could be added to those +horrors, except that conscience should rise in her fury to remind me +that, when my presence might have soothed my father's sorrows, I had +been absent with an injurious purpose; and that the arrows of misfortune +had been rendered mortal by the rebellion of his child? This last +incurable pang the mercy of Heaven has saved me. I learned that my +father died ignorant of my intended flight. + +Miss Arnold, I found, had quitted our house for that of her brother, as +soon as our last and worst disaster was discovered by the domestics. Of +all the summer friends who had amused my prosperity, not one approached +to comfort my affliction. Even my servants, chosen without regard to +their moral character, and treated with reference to its improvement; +corrupted by the example of dissipation; undisciplined and +uninstructed,--repaid the neglect of my domestic duties by a hardened +carelessness of my wants and will. After the first transports of grief +had subsided, I observed this desertion; and I felt it with all the +jealousy of misfortune. Not three days were passed since a crowd of +obsequious attendants had anticipated my commands; now I could scarcely +obtain even the slight service which real necessity required. + +The remains of my unfortunate father still lay near me; and, unable to +overcome my horror of passing the chamber of death, I remained entirely +secluded in my apartment. The first intruder upon this seclusion was the +person who came to seal my father's repositories of papers and money. +Having performed his office elsewhere, he entered my apartment with +little ceremony; and, telling me that he understood my father had +intrusted me with jewels of value, informed me, that it was necessary to +prevent access to them for the present. Accustomed as I was to receive +all outward testimonies of respect, the intrusion of a stranger at such +a time appeared to me a savage outrage. I was ignorant of all the forms +of business; and his errand assumed the nature of the most insulting +suspicion. Had all the jewels of the earth lain at my feet he might have +borne them away unresisted by me; but the proud spirit which grief had +bowed almost to the dust roused itself at once to repel insult; and, +pointing to the casket, I haughtily commanded him to do his office +quickly and begone. By this sally of impatience, a few trinkets of value +which I might have justly claimed as my own were lost to me, being +contained in the casket which I thus suffered to be appropriated. + +Insulted as I thought, and persecuted in my only place of refuge, I +became desirous to quit my dismal abode. I imagined, that whatever +impropriety there might be in the continuance of Juliet's residence in +my desolate habitation, there could be no reason to deter me from taking +refuge with my friend;--my gentle, my affectionate friend, who had ever +rejoiced in my prosperity, and gloried in my accomplishments, and loved +even my faults. Checking the tears which gushed from my eyes at the +thought that a father's roof must shelter me no more, I announced my +intention to my friend in a short billet:--'Come to me, dearest Juliet,' +I said, 'come and take me from this house of misery, I only stipulate, +that you will not ask me to join your brother's family circle. I wish to +see no human being except yourself,--for who is there left me to love +but you?--Your own ELLEN PERCY.' + +The servant whom I despatched with this note brought back for answer, +that Miss Arnold was not at home. I had been accustomed to find every +one, but especially Miss Arnold, ever ready to attend my pleasure; and +even the easiest lessons of patience were yet new to the spoiled child +of prosperity. My little disappointment was aggravated by the +captiousness with which the unfortunate watch for instances of +coldness and neglect. 'Not at home! Ah,' thought I, 'what pleasure +should I have found in idle visiting or amusement, while she was +wretched?' Still I never doubted, that the very hour of her return +would bring her to welcome and to comfort her desolate friend. I +waited impatiently,--listened to every sound; and started at every +footstep which echoed through my dreary dwelling. But the cheerless +evening closed in, and brought no friend. I passed the hours, now in +framing her excuse, now in reproaching her unkindness, till the night +was far spent; then laid my weary head upon my pillow, and wept myself +to sleep. + +The morning came, and I rose early, that I might be ready to accompany +my friend without delay. But I took my comfortless meal alone. Alone I +passed the hour in which Juliet and I had been accustomed to plan the +pastime of the day. The hour came at which my gay equipage was wont to +attend our call. Just then I heard a carriage stop at the door, and my +sad heart gave one feeble throb of pleasure; for I doubted not that +Juliet was come. It was the hearse which came to bear my father to his +grave.--Juliet, and all things but my lost father, were for a time +forgotten. + +But as the paroxysm of sorrow subsided, I again became sensible to this +unkind delay. My billet had now been so long despatched without +obtaining a reply even of cold civility, that I began to doubt the +faithfulness of my messenger, I refused to believe that my note had ever +reached Miss Arnold; and I endeavoured to shut my eyes against the +indifference which even in that case was implied in her leaving me so +long to solitary affliction. I was going once more to summon the bearer +of my melancholy billet, that I might renew my enquiries in regard to +its delivery, when the long expected answer was at length brought to me. +I impatiently tore it open, anxious to learn what strong necessity had +compelled my friend to substitute for her own presence this colder form +of welcome. No welcome, even of the coldest form, was there. With many +expressions of condolence, and some even of affection, she informed me +of her sorrow 'that she could not receive my visit. I must be aware,' +she said, 'that one whose good name was her only dowry should guard the +frail treasure with double care. Grieved as she was to wound me, she was +obliged to say, that the publicity of my elopement appeared to her +brother an insuperable bar to the continuance of our intimacy. +Resistance to his will,' she said, 'was impossible, even if that will +had been less reasonable than, with grief, she confessed it to be. But +though she must withhold all outward demonstrations of regard, she would +ever remain my grateful and obedient servant.' + +I sat motionless as the dead, whilst I deciphered these inhuman words. +The icebolt had struck me to the heart. For a time I was stunned by the +blow, and a dull stupor overpowered all recollection. Then, suddenly the +anguish of abused affection,--the iron fangs of ingratitude,--entered +into my soul; and all that grief, and all that indignation can inflict, +burst in bitterness upon the wounded spirit. I gazed wildly on the cruel +billet, while, twisting it in the grasp of agony, I wrenched it to atoms; +then, raising to heaven an eye of blasphemy, I dared to insult the Father +of Mercies with a cry for vengeance. + +But the transport of passion quickly subsided into despair. I threw +myself upon the ground; longing that the earth would open and shelter me +from the baseness of mankind. I closed my eyes, and wished in bitterness +of soul that it were for ever. Sometimes, as memory recalled some kinder +endearment of my ill-requited affection, I would start as beneath the +sudden stab of murder; then bow again my miserable head, and remain in +the stillness of the grave. + +No ray of consolation cheered me. The world, which had so lately +appeared bright with pleasure,--the worthy habitation of beings +benevolent and happy, was now involved in the gloom, and peopled with +the unsightly shapes of darkness. While my mind glanced towards the +selfishness of Lord Frederick, and the treachery of Lady St +Edmunds,--while it dwelt upon the desertion of her who, for seven years, +had shared my heart and all else that I had to bestow, the human kind +appeared to me tainted with the malignity of fiends, and I alone born to +be the victim of their craft,--the sport of their cruelty! + +How often has the same merciless aspersion been cast upon their +fellow-creatures by those who, like me, have repelled the friendship of +the virtuous? How often, and how unjustly, do they who choose their +associate for the hour of sunshine, complain when he shrinks from the +bitter blast? Oh that my severe experience could warn unwary beings like +myself! Oh that they would learn from my fate to shun the fellowship of +the unprincipled! Even common reason may teach them to despair of +awakening real regard in her whom infinite benefits cannot attach,--nor +infinite excellence delight,--nor infinite forgiveness constrain. She +wants the very stamina of generous affection; and is destined to wind +her way through all the heartless schemes and cowardly apostasies of +selfishness. + +From the stupor of despair, I was roused by the entrance of the stranger +who had before intruded. In the jealous reserve of an anguish too mighty +to be profaned by exposure, I rose from my dejected posture; and, with +frozen steadiness, enquired, 'what new indignity I had now to bear?' +The stranger, awed as it seemed by something in my look and manner, +informed me, not without respectful hesitation, that he was commissioned +by the creditors to tell me I know not what of forms and rights, of +willingness to allow me all reasonable accommodation, and such property +as I might justly claim, and to remind me of the propriety of appointing +a friend to watch over my further interests. One word only of the speech +was fitted to arrest my attention. 'Friend!' I repeated, with a smile +such as wrings the heart more than floods of womanly tears. 'Any one may +do the office of a friend! Ay, even one of those kindly souls who drove +my father to desperation,--who refused him the poor boon of delay, when +delay might have retrieved all! Any of them can insult and renounce me. +This is the modern office of a friend, is it not?' + +The stranger, gazing on me with astonishment, proceeded to request, that +I would name an early day for removing from my present habitation; since +the creditors only waited for my departure, to dismiss the servants, and +to bring my father's house, with all that it contained, to public sale. +He added, that he was commissioned by them to present me with a small +sum for my immediate occasions. + +To be thus forcibly expelled from the home, where, till now, I could +command; to be offered as an alms a pittance from funds which I had +considered as my hereditary right; to be driven forth to the cold world +with all my wounds yet bleeding, stung me as instances of severe +injustice and oppression. My spirit, sore with recent injury, writhed +under the rude touch. Already goaded almost to frenzy, I told the +stranger, that 'had I recollected the rights of his employers, I would +not have owed the shelter even of a single night to those whose +barbarous exactions had destroyed my father; nor would I ever be +indebted to their charity, so long as the humanity of the laws would +bestow a little earth to cover me.' + +I pulled the bell violently, and gave orders that a hackney-coach should +be procured for me. It came almost immediately; and, without uttering +another word,--without raising my eyes,--without one expression of +feeling, except the convulsive shudderings of my frame, and the cold +drops that stood upon my forehead, I passed the apartment where my +father perished,--the spot where my mother poured upon me her last +blessing,--and cast myself upon the wide world without a friend or home. + +I ordered the carriage to an obscure street in the city; a narrow, dark, +and airless lane. I had once in my life been obliged to pass through +it, and it had impressed my mind as a scene of all that is dismal in +poverty and confinement. This very impression made me now choose it for +my abode; and I felt a strange and dreary satisfaction in adding this +consummation to the horrors of my fate. As the carriage proceeded, I +became sensible to the extreme disorder of my frame. Noise and motion +were torture to nerves already in the highest state of irritation. Fever +throbbed in every vein, and red flashes of light seemed to glare before +my heavy eyes. A hope stole upon my mind that all was near a close. I +felt a gloomy satisfaction in the thought, that surely my death would +reach the heart of my false friend; that surely when she knew that I had +found refuge in the grave from calumny and unkindness, she would wish +that she had spared me the deadly pang; and would lament that she had +doubled the burden which weighed me to the earth. + +When the carriage reached the place of its destination, the coachman +again applied to me for instructions; and I directed him to stop at any +house where lodgings could be obtained. After several ineffectual +enquiries, he drew up to the door of a miserable shop, where he was told +that a single room was to be hired. 'Would you please to look into my +little place yourself, madam?' said a decent-looking woman, who advanced +to meet me. 'It is clean, though it be small, and I should be very happy +that it would suit.' + +'Any thing will suit me,' answered I. + +'You, ma'am!' cried the woman in a tone of extreme surprise; then +placing herself just opposite to me, she seemed hesitating whether or +not she should allow me to pass. Indeed the contrast of my appearance +with the accommodation which I sought might well have awakened +suspicion. My mourning, in the choice of which I had taken no share, was +in material the most expensive, and in form of the highest fashion. The +wildness of despair was probably impressed on my countenance; and my +tall figure, lately so light and so elastic, bent under sickness and +dejection. The woman surveyed me with a curiosity, which in better days +I would have ill endured; but perceiving me ready to sink to the ground, +she relaxed her scrutiny, while she offered me a seat, which I eagerly +accepted. She then went to the door, upon pretence of desiring the +coachman to wait till I should ascertain whether her lodgings were such +as I approved; and they entered on a conversation in which I heard my +own name repeated. When she returned to me, she poured forth a torrent +of words, the meaning of which I was unable to follow, but which seemed +intended to apologise for some suspicion. Never imagining that my +character could be the cause of hesitation, I fancied that the poor +woman doubted of my ability to pay for my accommodation; and drawing out +my purse, I put into her hands all that remained of an affluence which +had so lately been the envy of thousands. 'It is but a little,' said I, +'but it will outlast me.' + +I now desired to be shown to my apartment; and laboriously followed my +landlady up a steep miserable stair, into a chamber, low, close, and +gloomy. In a sort of recess, shaded by a patched curtain of faded +chintz, stood a bed, which, only a few days before, no degree of fatigue +could have induced me to occupy. Worn out, and heartbroken as I was, I +yet recoiled from it for a moment. 'But it matters not,' thought I, 'I +shall not occupy it long;' so I laid myself down without undressing, and +desired that I might be left alone. + +I was now, indeed, alone. In the wilfulness of desperation, I had myself +severed the few and slender ties which might still have bound me to +mankind; and I felt a sullen pleasure in the thought that my retreat was +inscrutable alike to feeble compassion and to idle curiosity. The widow, +whose roof afforded my humble shelter, and her daughter, a sickly, +ignorant, but industrious creature, at first persecuted me with +attentions; vainly trying to bribe, with such delicacies as they could +procure, the appetite which turned from all with the loathing of +disease. They urged me to send for my friends, and for medical advice. +They tried, though ignorant of my real distemper, to soothe me with +words of rude comfort. All was in vain. I seldom looked up, or returned +any other answer than a faint gesture of impatience; and, weary of my +obstinate silence, they at last desisted from their assiduities, nor +ever intruded on my solitude, except to bring relief to the parching +thirst which consumed me. + +Day after day passed on in the same dreary quiet. Night, and the +twilight of my gloomy habitation, succeeded each other, unnoticed by me. +Disease was preying on my constitution,--hopeless and indignant +rejection rankled in my mind. My ceaseless brooding over injury and +misfortune was only varied by the dreary consolation that all would soon +be lost in the forgetfulness of the grave. + +And could a rational and immortal creature turn on the grave a hope in +which religion had no part? Could a being, formed for hope and for +enjoyment, lose all that the earth has to offer, without reaching +forward an eager grasp towards joys less transient? When the meteors +which I had so fondly pursued were banished for ever, did no ray from +the Fountain of Light descend to cheer my dark dwelling?--No. They who +have tasted that the Lord is good, return in their adversity with double +eagerness to taste his goodness. But I had lived without God in my +prosperity, and my sorrow was without consolation. In the sunshine of my +day I had refused the guiding cloud; and the pillar of fire was +withdrawn from my darkness. I had forgotten Him who filleth heaven and +earth,--and the heavens and the earth were become one dreary blank to +me. The tumult of feeling, indeed, unavoidably subsided; but it was into +a calm,--frozen, stern, and cheerless as the long night-calm of a polar +sea. + +From the supineness of sickness and despair, I was at last forced to +momentary exertion. My landlady renewed her entreaties that I would send +for my friends; enforcing her request by informing me that my little +fund was nearly exhausted. Disturbed with her importunity, and careless +of providing against difficulties from which I expected soon to escape, +I commanded her to desist. But my commands were no longer indisputable. +The woman probably fearing, from the continuance of my disorder, that my +death might soon involve her in trouble and expense, persisted in her +importunity. Finding me obstinately determined to persevere in +concealment, she proceeded to hint not obscurely, that it would be +necessary to consider of some means of supply, or to provide myself with +another abode. Only a few days were past since an insinuation like this +would have driven me indignant from a palace; but now the depression of +sickness was added to that of sorrow, and I only answered, that when I +could no longer repay her trouble, I would release her from it. + +Dissatisfied, however, with an assurance which she foresaw that I might +be unable to fulfil, the widow proceeded to enquire whether I retained +any properly which could be converted into money; and mentioned a ring +which she observed me to wear. Dead as I was to all earthly affection, I +firmly refused to part with this ring, for it had been my mother's. I +had drawn it a hundred times from her slender hand, and she thought it +best employed as a toy for her little Ellen, while yet its quickly +shifting rays made its only value to me. 'No!' said I, as the woman +urged me to dispose of it, 'this shall go with me to the grave, in +memory that one heart had human feeling towards me.' The landlady, +however, venturing a tedious remonstrance against this resolution, the +dying fire again gave a momentary flash. 'Be silent,' I cried. 'Speak to +me no more till I am penniless; then tell me so at once, and I will that +instant leave your house, though I die at the threshold!' Highly +offended by this haughty command, the woman immediately retired, leaving +me for the rest of that day in total solitude. + +An evil was now ready to fall upon me, for which I was wholly unprepared +either by experience or reflection. Unaccustomed as I was to approach +the abodes of poverty, the very form of want was new to me; and since I +had myself been numbered with the poor, my thoughts had chiefly dwelt +upon my past misfortunes, or taken refuge from the anticipation of +future distress in the prospect of dissolution. But, in spite of my +wishes and my prophecies, abstinence, and the strength of my +constitution, prevailed over my disorder. My heavy eyes were this night +visited by a deep and refreshing sleep, from which I awoke not till a +mid-day sun glanced through the smoke a dull ray upon the chimney crags +that bounded my horizon. + +I looked up with a murmur of regret that I was restored to +consciousness. 'Why,' thought I, 'must the flaring light revisit those +to whom it brings no comfort?' and I closed my eyes in thankless +impatience of my prolonged existence. Oh, where is the _human_ +physician, whose patience would endure to have his every prescription +questioned, and vilified, and rejected! whose pitying hand would offer +again and again the medicine which in scorn we dash from our lips!--No! +Such forbearance dwells with one Being alone; and such perverseness we +reserve for the infallible Physician. + +I presently became sensible that my fever had abated. With a deep +feeling of disappointment I perceived that death had eluded my desires; +and that I must return to the thorny and perplexing path where the +serpent lurked to sting, and tigers prowled for prey. While my thoughts +were thus engaged, a footstep crossed my chamber; but, lost in my gloomy +reverie, I suffered it, ere I raised my eyes, to approach close to my +bed. I was roused by a cry of strong and mingled feeling. 'Miss +Mortimer!' I exclaimed; but she could not speak. She threw herself upon +my bed, and wept aloud. The voice of true affection for a moment touched +my heart; but I remembered that the words of kindness had soothed only +to deceive; and stern recollection of my wrongs steeled me against +better thoughts. + +'Why are you come hither, Miss Mortimer?' said I, coldly withdrawing +myself from her arms. + +'Unkind Ellen!' returned my weeping friend; 'could I know that you were +in sorrow and not seek you? May I not comfort,--or, if that cannot be, +may I not mourn with you?' + +'I do not mourn--I want no comfort--leave me.' + +'Oh say not so, dearest child. You are not forbidden to feel. Let us +weep together under the chastisement, and trust together that there is +mercy in it.' + +'Mercy! no. I have been dashed without pity to the earth, and there will +I lie till it open to receive me.' + +Miss Mortimer gazed on me in sorrowful amazement; then, wringing her +hands as in sudden anguish, 'Oh, Heaven!' she cried, 'is this my +Ellen?--Is this the joyous spirit that brought cheerfulness wherever it +came?--Is this the face that was bright with life and pleasure? +Loveliest, dearest, how hast thou lost the comfort which belongs even to +the lowest of mankind,--the hope which is offered even to the worst of +sinners?' + +'Leave me, Miss Mortimer!' I cried, impatient of the self-reproach which +her sorrow awakened in my breast. 'I wish only to die in peace. Must +even this be denied me?' + +'Ellen, my beloved Ellen, is that what you call peace?--Oh Thou who +alone canst, deign to visit this troubled soul with the peace of thy +children!' Miss Mortimer turned from me, and ceased to speak; but I saw +her wasted hand lifted as in prayer, and her sobs attested the fervency +of the petition. After a short silence, making a visible effort to +compose herself, she again addressed me. 'Do not ask me to leave you, +Ellen,' said she. 'I came hither, resolved not to return without you. If +you are too weak to-day for our little journey, I will nurse you here. +Nay, you must not forbid me. I will sit by you as still as death. Or, +make an effort, my love, to reach home with me, and I will not intrude +on you for a minute. You shall not even be urged to join my solitary +meals. It will be comfort enough for me to feel that you are near.' + +I could not be wholly insensible to an invitation so affectionate; but I +struggled against my better self, and pronounced a hasty and peremptory +refusal. Miss Mortimer looked deeply grieved and disappointed; but hers +was that truly Christian spirit whose kindness no ingratitude could +discourage, whose meekness no perverseness could provoke. She might have +checked the untoward plant in its summer pride; but the lightning had +scathed it, and it was become sacred in her eyes. + +Sparing the irritability of the wounded spirit, she forbore to fret it +by further urging her request. She rather endeavoured to soothe me by +every expression of tenderness and respect. She at last submitted so +far to my wayward humour, as to quit my apartment; aware, perhaps, that +the spirit which roused itself against opposition might yield to +solitary reflection. The voice of kindness, which I had expected never +more to hear, stirred in my breast a milder nature; and as my eye +followed the feeble step of Miss Mortimer, and read her wasted +countenance, my heart smote me for my resistance to her love. 'She has +risen from a sick-bed to seek me,' thought I; 'me, renounced as I have +been by all mankind,--bereft as I am of all that allured the perfidious. +Surely _this_ is not treachery.' + +My reverie was suddenly interrupted by poor Fido, who made good his +entrance as Miss Mortimer left the room; and instantly began to express, +as he could, his recognition of his altered mistress. The sight of him +awakened at once a thousand recollections. It recalled to my mind my +former petulant treatment of my mother's friend, her invariable patience +and affection, and the remorse excited by our separation. My mother +herself rose to my view, such as she was when Fido and I had gamboled +together by her side,--such as she was when sinking in untimely decay. I +felt again the caress which memory shall ever hold dear and holy. I saw +again the ominous flush brighten her sunken cheek; knelt once more at +her feet to pray that we might meet again; and heard once more the +melancholy cry which spoke the pang of a last farewell. The stubborn +spirit failed. I threw my arms round my mother's poor old favourite, and +melted into tears. These tears were the first which I had shed since the +unkindness of my altered friend had turned my gentler affections into +gall;--and let those who would know the real luxury of grief turn from +the stern anguish of a proud heart to the mild regrets which follow +those who are gone beyond the reach of our gratitude and our love. + +Miss Mortimer did not leave me long alone. She returned to bring me +refreshment better suited to my past habits and present weakness than to +her own very limited finances. As she entered, I hastily concealed my +tears; but when her accents of heartfelt affection mingled in my soul +with the recollections which were already there, the claim of my +mother's friend grew irresistible. A half confession of my late +ingratitude rose to my lips; but that to which Ellen, the favoured child +of fortune, might have condescended as an instance of graceful candour, +seemed an act of meanness in Ellen fallen and dependent. I pressed Miss +Mortimer's hand between mine. 'My best, my only friend!' said I; and +Miss Mortimer asked no more. It was sufficient for the generous heart +that its kindness was at last felt and accepted. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + _----Fruit----some harsh, 'tis true, + Pick'd from the thorns and briars of reproof; + But wholesome, well-digested; grateful some + To palates that can taste immortal truth; + Insipid else, and sure to be despised._ + + Cowper. + + +The news of my father's misfortune no sooner reached Miss Mortimer's +retirement, than she made an exertion beyond her strength, that she +might visit and comfort me. At my father's house, she learnt that I was +gone no one knew whither; but the conveyance which I had chosen enabled +her at last to trace my retreat, and she lost not a moment in following +me thither. There, with all the tenderness of love, and all the +perseverance of duty, she watched over my returning health; nor ever +quitted me by night or by day, till I was able to accompany her home. + +It was on a golden summer morning that we together left my dreary +lurking-place. The sun shone forth as brightly as on the last day that I +had visited Miss Mortimer's abode; the trees were in yet fuller foliage; +and the hues of spring were ripening to the richer tints of autumn. The +river flashed as gaily in the beam, and the vessels veered as proudly to +the breeze. My friend sought to cheer my mind by calling my attention to +the bright and busy scene. But the smile which I called up to answer her +cares, came not from the heart. Cold and undelighted I turned from the +view. 'To what end,' thought I, 'should this prison-house be so adorned? +this den of the wretched and the base!' So dismal a change had a few +weeks wrought upon this goodly frame of things to me. But thus it ever +fares with those who refuse to contemplate the world with the eye of +reason and of religion. In the day of prosperity, this foreign land is +their chosen rest, for which they willingly forget their Father's house, +but when the hours of darkness come, they refuse to find in it even +accommodations fitted for the pilgrim 'that tarries but a night.' + +When we had reached the cottage, and Miss Mortimer, with every testimony +of affection had welcomed me home, she led me to the apartment which was +thenceforth to be called my own. It was the gayest in my friend's simple +mansion. Its green walls, snowy curtains, and light furniture, were +models of neatness and order; and though the jessamine had been lately +pruned from the casement to enlarge my view, enough still remained to +adorn the projecting thatch with a little starry wreath. + +On one side of my window were placed some shelves containing a few +volumes of history, and the best works of our British essayists and +poets; on the other was a chest of drawers, in which I found all the +more useful part of my own wardrobe, secured to me by the considerate +attention of Miss Mortimer. My friend rigidly performed her promise of +leaving my time wholly at my own command. As soon as she had established +me in my apartment, she resigned it solely to me: nor ever reminded me, +by officious attentions, that I was a guest rather than an inmate. She +told me the hours at which her meals were punctually served, giving me +to understand that when I did not choose to join them, no warning or +apology was necessary; since, if I did not appear in the family-room, I +should be waited upon in my own. These arrangements being made, she +advised me to repose myself after the fatigue of my journey, and left me +alone. Wearied out by an exertion to which my strength was yet scarcely +equal, I laid myself on a bed more inviting than the last which I had +pressed, and soon dropped asleep. + +The evening was closing, when I was awakened by a strain of music so +soft, so low, that it seemed at first like a dream of the songs of +spirits. I listened, and distinguished the sounds of the evening hymn. +It was sung by Miss Mortimer; and never did humble praise,--never did +filial gratitude,--find a voice more suited to their expression. The +touching sweetness of her notes, heightened by the stillness of the +hour, roused an attention little used of late to fix on outward things. +'These are the sounds of thankfulness,' thought I. 'I saw her this +morning thank God, as if from the heart, for the light of a new day; and +now, having been spent in deeds of kindness, it is closed as it began +in an act of thanksgiving. What does she possess above all women, to +call forth such gratitude? She is poor, lonely, neglected. She knows +that she has obtained but a short reprieve from a disease which will +waste away her life in lingering torture. Good Heaven! What is there in +all this to cause that prevailing temper of her mind; that principle as +it would appear, of all her actions?--She must have been born with this +happy turn of thought. And, besides, she has never known a better +fate;--blest, that poverty and solitude have kept her ignorant of the +treachery and selfishness of man!' + +The strain had ceased, and my thoughts returned to my own melancholy +fate. To escape from tormenting recollection, or rather in the mere +restlessness of pain, I opened a book which lay upon my table. It was my +mother's Bible. The first page was inscribed with her name, and the date +of my birth, written with her own hand. Below, my baptism was recorded +in the following words:-- + +'This eleventh of January, 1775, I dedicated my dearest child to God. +May He accept and purify the offering, though it be with fire!' + +As I read these lines, the half prophetic words of my mother's parting +blessing flashed on my recollection. 'Oh, my mother!' I cried, 'couldst +thou have foreseen how bitter would be my "chastisement," couldst thou +have known, that the "fire" would consume all, would not thy love have +framed a far different prayer? Yes! for thou hadst a fellow-feeling in +every suffering, and how much above all in mine!' + +I proceeded to look for some further traces of a hand so dear. The book +opened of itself at a passage to which a natural feeling had often led +the parent who was soon to forget even her child in the unconsciousness +of the grave; and a slight mark in the margin directed my eye to this +sentence: 'Can a mother forget her sucking babe, that she should not +have compassion upon the son of her womb? Yea, she may forget, yet will +not I forget thee.' + +These words had often been read in my hearing, when my wandering mind +scarcely affixed a meaning to them; or when their touching condescension +was lost upon the proud child of prosperity. But now their coincidence +with the previous current of my thoughts seized at once my whole +attention. I started as if some strange and new discovery had burst upon +my understanding. Again I read the passage, and with a care which I had +never before bestowed on any part of the book which contains it. 'Is +this,' I enquired, 'an expression of the divine concern in each +individual of human kind?--No. It seems merely a national promise. Yet, +my mother has regarded it in another light; else why has she marked it +so carefully?' + +It was in vain that I debated this question with myself. Such was my +miserable ignorance of all which it most behoved me to know, that I +never thought of explaining the letter of the Scriptures by resorting to +their spirit. My habitual propensities resisting every pious impression, +my mind revolted from the belief that parental love had adjusted every +circumstance of a lot which I accounted so severe as mine. To admit +this, was virtually to confess that I had need of correction; that I +had, to use Miss Mortimer's words, 'already reached that state when +mercy itself assumes the form of punishment.' Yet the soothing beauty of +the sentiment, the natural yearning of the friendless after an Almighty +friend, made me turn to the same passage again and again, till the +darkness closed in, and lulled me to a deep and solemn reverie. + +'Does the Great Spirit,' thought I, 'indeed watch over us? Does He work +all the changes of this changeful world? Does He rule with ceaseless +vigilance,--with irresistible control, whatever can affect my +destiny?--Can this be true?--If it be even possible, by what strange +infatuation has it been banished from my thoughts till now? But it +cannot be so. A man's own actions often mould his destiny; and if his +actions be compelled by an extraneous energy, he is no more than a mere +machine. The very idea is absurd.' And thus, to escape from a sense of +my own past insanity, I entered a labyrinth where human reason might +stray for ever, + + And find no end, in wandering mazes lost. + +But the subject, perplexing as it was to my darkened understanding, had +seized upon my whole mind; and sleep fled my pillow, whilst in spite of +myself the question again and again recurred; 'If I be at the mercy of a +resistless power, why have I utterly neglected to propitiate this mighty +arbitrator? If the success of every purpose even possibly depended upon +his will, why was that will forgotten in all my purposes?' + +As soon as it was day I arose; and, with the eagerness of one who would +escape from suspense, I resorted to the book which had so lately +arrested my regard. I no longer glanced over its pages in careless +haste; for it offered my only present lights upon the questions, +interesting by their novelty as well as by their importance--whether I +had been guilty of the worse than childish improvidence, which, in +attending to trifles, overlooks the capital circumstance? or whether the +Creator, having dismissed us like orphans into a fatherless world, is +regardless of our improvement, and deaf to our cry? My impatience of +doubt made me forget, for a time, that the very fact which confers upon +Scripture its authority, supposes a divine interference in human +concerns. The great truth, however, shone forth in every page. All spoke +of a vigilant witness, a universal, a ceaseless energy. Nor was this +all. I could scarcely open the book without finding somewhat applicable +to my own character or situation; I was, therefore, no longer obliged to +compel my attention, as to the concerns of a stranger; it was powerfully +attracted by interests peculiarly my own. The study, indeed, was often +painful; but yet I returned to it, as the heir to the deed which is to +make him rich or a beggar. + +My search, however, produced nothing to elate. I read of benefits which +I had forgotten; of duties which I had neglected; of threatenings which +I had despised. The 'first and great commandment,' directed every +affection of my soul to Him who had scarcely occupied even the least of +my thoughts. The most glorious examples were proposed to my imitation, +and my heart sunk when I compared them with myself. A temper of +universal forbearance, habits of diligent benevolence, were made the +infallible marks of a character which I had no right to claim. The happy +few were represented as entering with difficulty, and treading with +perseverance, the 'strait and narrow way,' which not even self-deceit +could persuade me that I had found. That self-denial, which was enjoined +to all as an unremitting habit, was new to me almost even in name. The +'lovers of pleasure,' among whom I had been avowedly enrolled, were +ranked, by my new guide, with 'traitors and blasphemers.' The pride +which, if I considered it at all as an error, I accounted the 'glorious +fault' of noble minds, was reprobated as an impious absurdity. The +anguish of repentance,--the raptures of piety,--the 'full assurance of +hope,' were poured forth; but, with the restless anxiety of him who +obtains an imperfect glimpse of the secret upon which his all depends, I +perceived, that their language was to me the language of a foreign land. + +By degrees, something of my real self was opened to my sight. The view +was terrible; but, once seen, I vainly endeavoured to avert my eye. At +midnight, and in the blaze of day, in the midst of every employment, in +defiance of every effort, my offences stood before me. With the sense of +guilt, came the fear before which the boldest spirit fails. I saw the +decree already executed which took from me the 'talent buried in the +earth;' but, the stroke which had deprived me of all, seemed only a +prelude to that more awful sentence which consigns the unprofitable +servant to 'outer darkness.' As one who starts from sleep beneath the +uplifted sword,--as he to whom the lightning's flash reveals the +precipice,--as the mother waked by the struggles of her half-smothered +babe,--so I--but what material images of horror can shadow forth the +terrors of him who feels that he is by his own act undone? In an +overwhelming sense of my folly and my danger, I often sunk into the +attitude of supplication; but I had now a meaning to unfold not to be +expressed in a few formal phrases which I had been accustomed to hurry +over. I saw that I had need of mercy which I had not deserved, and which +I had no words to ask. How little do they know of repentance who propose +to repay with it, at their own 'convenient season,' the pleasures which +they are at all hazards determined to seize! + +Meanwhile, though my misfortunes could not be banished from my mind, +they no longer held their sullen reign alone. New interests had awakened +in my breast; new fears; new regrets. I felt that there is an evil +greater than the loss of fame, of fortune, or of friends; that there is +a pang compared with which sorrow is pleasure. This anguish I endured +alone. The proud spirit could pour into no human ear the language of its +humiliation and its dread. I suffered Miss Mortimer to attribute to +grief the dejection which at times overpowered me; to impatience of +deprivation, the anxious disquiet of one who is seeking rest, and +finding none. Yet I no longer shunned her society. I sought relief in +the converse of a person rich in the knowledge in which I was wanting, +impressed with the only subjects which could interest me now. Miss +Mortimer was precisely the companion best calculated to be useful to me. +She never willingly oppressed me with a sense of her superiority,--never +upbraided my cold reception of doctrines which I was not yet fitted to +receive,--never expressed surprise at my hesitation, or impatience with +my prejudices,--never aggravated my sense of the danger of my state, nor +boasted of the security of her own; but answered my questions in terms +direct and perspicuous; opposed my doubts and prejudices with meek +reason; represented the condition of the worst of mankind as admitting +of hope,--that of the best, as implying warfare. + +From the first month of my residence with Miss Mortimer I may date a new +era of my existence. My mind had received a new impulse, and new views +had opened to me of my actions, my situation, and my prospects. An +important step had been made towards a change in my character. But +still it was only a step. The tendencies of nature, strengthened by the +habits of seventeen years, remained to be overcome, and this was not the +work of a month, or a year. I was not, however, of a temper long to +endure the sense of helpless misery. Encouraged by the promises which +are made to the repentant, and guided now by the example which I had +once overlooked or ridiculed, I resolved to associate myself as much as +possible, in Miss Mortimer's acts of devotion and of charity. I joined +in her family worship,--I visited her pensioners,--and industriously +assisted her in working for the poor; an employment to which she +punctually devoted part of her time. Little did I then suspect how much +the value of the same action was varied by our different motives. She +laboured to please a Father,--I to propitiate a hard Master. She was +humbly offering a token of gratitude,--I was poorly toiling for a hire. + +It was now that I began to feel the effects of my former habits of life. +While my feelings were in a state of strong excitement, they held the +place of the stimulants to which I had been accustomed; and I should +have turned in disgust from the trivial interests which had formerly +engaged me. But whenever my mind settled into its more natural state, I +became sensible of a vacancy,--a wearisome craving for an undefined +something to rouse and interest me. The great truths indeed which I had +lately discovered, often supplied this want; and I had only to turn my +newly acquired powers of sight towards my own character to be awakened +into strong emotion. But compared with my new standards, my own heart +offered a prospect so little inviting, that I turned from it as often as +I dared; endeavouring to 'lay the flattering unction to my soul,' by +wilfully mistaking the resolution to be virtuous for virtue itself. + +The activity of my mind had hitherto been so unhappily directed, that it +now revolted from every impulse, except such as was either pleasurable +or of overwhelming force. Besides, although nothing be more sublime than +a life of charity and self-denial in the abstract, nothing is less so in +the detail. I was unused to difficulty, and therefore submitted with +impatience to difficulties which my own inexperience rendered more +numerous. Poverty I had known only as she is exhibited in the graceful +draperies of tragedy and romance; therefore I met her real form in all +its squalor and loathsomeness, with more, I fear, of disgust than of +pity. My imaginary poor had all been innocent and grateful. Short +experience in realities corrected this belief; and when I found among +the real poor the vices common to mankind, added to those which +peculiarly belong to a state of dependence,--when I found them selfish, +proud, and sensual, as well as cunning and improvident,--I almost forgot +that alms were never meant as a tribute to the virtues of man; and that +it is absurd to pretend compassion for the bodily necessities of our +fellow-creature, while we exercise none towards the more deplorable +wants of his mind. Not knowing, however, what spirit I was of, I called +my impatience of their defects a virtuous indignation; and witnessed, +with something like resentment, the moderation of Miss Mortimer, who +always viewed mental debasement as others do bodily decrepitude, with an +averseness which inclined her to withdraw her eye, but with a pity which +stretched forth her hand to help. Yet when I beheld the ignorance, the +miseries, the crimes of beings in whom I had now, in some degree, learnt +to reverence the character of immortality, how did I lament, that, with +respect to them, I had hitherto lived in vain! How did I reproach +myself, that, while thousands of sensitive and accountable creatures +were daily within the sphere of my influence, that influence had served +only to deepen, with additional shades, the blackness of human misery +and of human guilt. + +Accident served to heighten this self-upbraiding. One day when Miss +Mortimer, with the assistance of my arm, was walking round her garden, +she observed a meagre, barefooted little girl; who, reaching her sallow +hand through the bars of the wicket, asked alms in a strong Caledonian +accent. My friend, who never dismissed any supplicant unheard, patiently +enquired into a tale which was rendered almost unintelligible by the +uncouth dialect and national bashfulness of the narrator. All that we +could understand from the child was, that she was starving, because her +father was ill, and her mother prevented from working, by attendance +upon an infant who was dying of the small-pox. Miss Mortimer, who always +conscientiously endeavoured to ascertain that the alms which she +subtracted from her own humble comforts were not squandered in +profligacy, accepted of my offer to examine into the truth of this +story; and I accompanied the child to the abode of her parents. + +After the longest walk which I had ever taken, my conductress ushered me +into a low dark apartment in the meanest part of Greenwich. Till my eye +was accommodated to the obscurity, I could very imperfectly distinguish +the objects which surrounded me; and, for some minutes after leaving +the gladdening air of heaven, I could scarcely breathe the vapour +stagnant in the abode of disease and wretchedness. The little light +which entered through a window half filled with boards fell upon a +miserable pallet, where lay the emaciated figure of a man; his face +ghastly wan, till the exertion of a hollow cough flushed it with +unnatural red; and his eye glittering with the melancholy brightness +which indicates hopeless consumption. + +Upon a low stool, close by the expiring embers, sat a woman, vainly +trying to still the hoarse cry of an infant. On my entrance, she started +up to offer me the only seat which her apartment contained; and the poor +Scotchman, with national courtesy to a superior, would have risen to +receive me,--but he was unable to move without help. His wife, that she +might be at liberty to assist him, called upon the little girl to take +charge of her brother. Startled at seeing an infant committed to such +care, I thoughtlessly offered my services; and held out my arms for the +child. The mother, evidently pleased with what she seemed to regard as +condescension, and not aware that the being whom she was fondly +caressing could be an object of disgust to others, held the child +towards me; but at the first glance I recoiled, with an exclamation of +horror, from a creature who scarcely retained a trace of human likeness. +That dreadful plague, which the most fortunate of discoveries now +promises to banish from the earth, had disguised, or rather concealed, +every feature; and, deprived of light, of nourishment, and rest, the +sufferer scarcely retained the power to express its misery in a hoarse +and smothered wailing. The poor woman, sensibly hurt by my expression of +disgust, shed tears, while she reminded me of the evanescent nature of +beauty, and enumerated all the charms of which a few days had deprived +her boy. I had wounded where I came to heal; and all my address could +scarcely atone for an error, that increased the difficulties which my +errand already found in the decent reserve of spirits unsubdued to +beggary, and in a dialect which I could very imperfectly comprehend. + +What I at length learnt of the story of these poor people may be told in +a few words; the man was a gardener, who had been allured from his +country by the demand in England for Scotchmen of his trade. Unable to +procure immediate employment, he and his family had suffered much +difficulty; till, encouraged by the name of a countryman, they had +applied to Mr Maitland. By his interest, the man had obtained the +situation of under-gardener in Mr Percy's villa at Richmond. + +I started at the name of my father, but having been often deceived, I +was become cautious; and, without betraying myself, asked whether they +had ever seen Miss Percy. The woman answered that they had not; having +entered on their service the same day that their master's family removed +to town. The evil influence of Miss Percy, however, had blasted all +their hopes and comforts. She had given peremptory orders that some +delicate exotics should be forced into flower to adorn an entertainment. +Poor Campbell, deputed to take care of them, watched them all night in +the hot-house; then walked two miles to his lodging through a thick +drift of snow; breathed ever afterwards with pain; struggled against +disease; wrought hard in the sharp mornings and chilly evenings of +spring; and, when my father could no longer repay his services, was +dismissed to die, unheeded by a mistress equally selfish in the +indulgence of her sorrow as in the thoughtlessness of her prosperity. + +As I listened to this tale, I found it confirmed by circumstances which +admitted not of doubt. While I looked on the death-struck figure of +poor Campbell, saw the misery that surrounded me, and felt that it was +_my_ work, my situation was more pitiable than that of any mortal, +except him who can see that he has done irreparable injury, yet see it +without a pang. When I recovered utterance, I enquired whether Campbell +had any medical assistance?--a needless question; he had not wherewith +to purchase food, much less medicine.--'But if I were once able, +madam,' said he, 'to earn what would be our passage home, I should soon +be well,--the air in Scotland is so pure, and breathes so +pleasantly!'--'You shall get home, cost what it will,' cried I, and +instantly delivered the whole contents of my purse; without considering +that it could scarcely be called mine, and that it could be replenished +only from the scanty store of her whose generosity would fain, if +possible, have made me forget that I was no longer the rich Miss Percy. + +Ignorant as I was of Greenwich and its inhabitants, I next undertook to +find medical advice. By enquiring at a shop, I obtained the address of a +Mr Sidney, to whom I immediately repaired. He was a young man of a very +prepossessing appearance, tall and handsome enough for a hero of +romance. Will it be believed that, in spite of the humbling sense of +guilt which in that hour was strong upon me, my besetting weakness made +me observe with pleasure the surprise and admiration with which my +appearance seemed to fill this stranger? But vanity, though powerful in +me, was no longer unresisted. I pulled my bonnet over my face; nor once +again looked up while I conducted Sidney to the abode of his new +patient. + +I cannot express the horror which I felt, when, after examining the +situation of the poor man, Sidney informed me, in a whisper, that no aid +could save his life. I turned faint; and, to save myself from sinking to +the ground, retreated to the door for air. At that moment, I overheard +Sidney ask, 'Who is that angel?' and the term, applied to one who was +little less than a murderer, sharpened the stab of conscience. I hastily +turned to proclaim my name, and submit myself to the execrations of this +injured family; but I wanted courage for the confession, and the words +died upon my lips. + +The disfigured infant next engaged Sidney's attention. He discovered +that the mother had, according to what I have since found to be the +custom of her country, aggravated the dreadful disease, by loading her +unhappy child with all the clothes she could command, and carefully +defending him from the fresh air. She had even deprived herself of food, +that she might procure ardent spirits, which she compelled the hapless +being to swallow; to drive, as she expressed it, 'the small-pox from his +heart.' Yet this poor woman, so ignorant of the treatment of the most +common disorder, possessed, as I afterwards found, a knowledge of the +principles of religion, and an acquaintance with the scope of its +doctrines and precepts, which, at that time, appeared to me very +wonderful in a person of her rank. They are, however, less surprising to +me since I became a denizen of Scotland. + +But to close a tale, on which its strong impression on my mind has +perhaps made me dwell too long, the boy, by means of better treatment, +recovered; his father's disease was beyond the reach of human skill. One +day, while I was in the act of holding a cordial to his lips, he fell +back; and, with a momentary struggle, expired. The little ingenious +works which I had been taught at school, were, for the first time, +employed by me to a useful purpose, when his widow and children were +enabled, by the sale of them, to procure a passage to Scotland. + +I cannot express the effect which this incident had upon my mind. A new +load of guilt seemed to oppress me. I perceived that actions and habits +might have tendencies unsuspected by the agent; that the influence of a +fault,--venial, perhaps, in the eyes of the transgressor,--might reach +the character and fate of those who are not within the compass of his +thoughts; and, therefore, that the real evil of sin could be known only +to Him, by whom effects which as yet exist not are traced through their +eternal course. Thus a fearful addition of 'secret sins' was made to all +those with which conscience could distinctly charge me; and my +examinations of my past conduct were like the descent into a dismal +cavern, where every step discloses some terrifying sight, and all that +is imperfectly distinguished in the gloom is imagined to be still more +appalling. + +It is true, I had resolved upon a better course of life; but my +resolutions were very partially kept; nor, had it been otherwise, could +present submission atone for past disobedience. Even my best actions, +when weighed in the right balance, were 'found wanting,' and rather in +need of forgiveness than deserving of reward. My best efforts seemed but +the sacrifice of the ignorant Indian, who vows to his god an ingot of +gold, and then gilds a worthless offering to defraud him. Nor had they, +in truth, one vestige of real worth, void as they still were of that +which gives a value to things of small account. It is the fire from +heaven which distinguishes the acceptable sacrifice. + +Who that had seen me under the depression which these convictions +occasioned could have imagined that I had entered on 'ways of +pleasantness,' and 'paths of peace?' Anxious and fearful,--seeking rest, +and finding none, because remaining pride prevented me from seeking it +where alone it was to be found,--I struggled hard to escape the +convictions which were forced upon my conscience. I opposed to the +truths of religion a hundred objections which had never before occurred +to me, only because the subject was new to my thoughts; and I +recollected an infinity of the silly jests, and ridiculous associations, +by which unhappy sinners try to hide from themselves the dignity of that +which they are predetermined to despise. I remember, with amazement, +Miss Mortimer's patience in replying to the oft-refuted objection; +oft-refuted, I say, because I am certain that far more ingenuity than I +can boast would be necessary to invent, upon this subject, a cavil which +has not been answered again and again. Far from desiring me, however, to +rely upon her authority, she recommended to me such books as she thought +likely to secure my rational assent to the truth; carefully reminding +me, at the same time, that they could do no more, and that mere rational +assent fell far short of that faith to which such mighty effects are +ascribed. The direct means of obtaining a gift, she said, was to ask it; +and faith she considered as a gift. + +'To what purpose,' said I to her one day, after I had laboured through +Butler's Analogy, and Macknight's Truth of the Gospel History,--'to what +purpose should I perplex myself with these books, when you own that some +of the best Christians you have ever known were persons who had never +thought of reasoning upon the evidences of their faith?'--'Because, my +dear,' answered Miss Mortimer, 'the exercise of your highest natural +faculties upon your religion is calculated to fix it in your mind, and +endear it to your affections. It is true, that piety as pure and as +efficient as any I ever knew, I have witnessed in persons who had no +leisure, and perhaps no capacity for reasoning themselves into a +conviction of the historical truth of Christianity. The author of faith +is not bound to any particular method of bestowing his gift. He may, and +I believe often does, compensate for the means which he withholds; but +this gives no ground to suppose that he will make up for those which we +neglect.' + +Through Miss Mortimer's persuasion, I steadily persevered in this line +of study; and, if my understanding possesses any degree of soundness or +vigour, it is to be attributed to this discipline. My education, if the +word signify learning what is afterwards to be useful, was now properly +beginning; and every day added something to my very slender stock of +information. My friend, who was herself no mean proficient in general +literature, encouraged me to devote many of my leisure hours to books of +instruction and harmless entertainment; and our evenings were commonly +enlivened by reading history, travels, or criticism. + +Leisure, like other treasures, is best husbanded when it is least +abundant; and it was no longer entirely at my command. I still retained +enough of the spirit of Ellen Percy, to hold dependence in rather more +than Christian scorn,--yet to be ashamed of openly contributing to my +own subsistence. In how many shapes does our ruling passion assail us! +If we resist it in the form of vice, it will even put on the semblance +of virtue. I firmly believed at that time, that a virtuous motive alone +induced me to escape, by means of my own labour, from all necessity for +applying to the funds of Miss Mortimer; and I forgot to enquire into the +reason why my work was always privately done, and privately disposed of. + +The manufacture of a variety of ingenious trifles now become useful by +ministering to my own wants and those of others,--the share I took in +Miss Mortimer's charitable employments,--hours of devotion and serious +study, reading, and often writing abstracts of what I read,--left no +portion of my time for weariness. But had I been deprived of all bodily +employment, the very condition of my mind precluded ennui. I was full of +one concern of overwhelming importance. At one time, the truth shone +upon me, gladdening me to rapture with its brightness; at another, error +darkened my sinking soul, and I was eager in my search for light. Alas! +our infirmity loads with many a cloud the dawning even of that true +light which 'shineth more and more unto the perfect day.' The natural +warmth of my temper, and my long-confirmed habit of yielding to all its +impulses, often hurried me into little superstitious austerities, +needless scruples, and vehement disputes, which, had they been exposed +to common eyes, would have drawn upon me the derision of some, and the +suspicion of others; but fortunately Miss Mortimer had few visiters, and +my foibles were little seen, except by one who could discover errors in +religious judgment, without imputing them either to fanaticism or +hypocrisy. + +My altercations, for discourse in which passion is permitted to mingle +cannot deserve the name of argument, were chiefly carried on with +Sidney; who, from the time of his assistance to the Campbells, had +become a frequent guest at Miss Mortimer's. His dispositions were +amiable, his character unblemished; but his opinions upon some lesser +points of doctrine differed widely from mine. This he happened one day +accidentally to betray; and I, with the rashness which inclines us to +fancy all lately-discovered truths to be of equal importance, combated +what I considered as his fatal heresy. Sidney, with great good-humour, +rather excited me to speak; perhaps for the same reason as he taught his +dog to quarrel with him for his glove. + +Miss Mortimer never took part in our disputations, not even by a look. +'How can you,' said I to her one day, when he had just left us, 'suffer +such opinions to be advanced without contradiction?' + +'I am afraid of losing my temper,' answered she with an arch smile; 'and +that I am sure is forbidden in terms more explicit than Mr Sidney's +heresy.' + +'And would you have me,' cried I, instantly sensible of the implied +reproof, 'seem to approve what I know to be false?' + +'No, my dear,' returned Miss Mortimer; 'but perhaps you might disapprove +without disputing; and I think it is not obscurely hinted by the highest +authority, that the modest example of a Christian woman is likely to be +more convincing than her arguments. Besides, though we are most zealous +in our new opinions, we are most steady in our old ones; therefore I +believe, that, upon consideration, you will see it best to ensure your +steadiness for the present, and to husband your zeal for a time when it +will be more likely to fail.' + +When I was cool, I perceived that my friend was in the right; and, by a +strong effort, I thenceforth forbore my disputes with Sidney; to which +forbearance it probably was owing, that he soon after became my declared +admirer. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + _Shift not thy colour at the sound of death! + For death---- + Seems not a blank to me; a loss of all + Those fond sensations,--those enchanting dreams, + Which cheat a toiling world from day to day, + And form the whole of happiness it knows. + Death is to me perfection, glory, triumph!_ + + Thomson. + + +Sidney's overtures cost me some hesitation. They were unquestionably +disinterested; and they were made with a plainness rather prepossessing +to one who had so lately experienced the hollowness of more flowery +profession. Nothing could be objected to his person, manners, or +reputation. Miss Mortimer's ill health rendered the protection I enjoyed +more than precarious. Honourable guardianship, and plain sufficiency, +offered me a tempting alternative to labour and dependence. But I was +not in love; and as I had no inclination to marry, I had leisure to see +the folly of entering upon peculiar and difficult duties, while I was +yet a novice in those which are binding upon all mankind. Sidney had, +indeed, by that natural and involuntary hypocrisy, which assumes for the +time the sentiments of a beloved object, convinced me that he was of a +religious turn of mind; and from his avowed heresies I made no doubt of +being able to reclaim him; but he wanted a certain masculine dignity of +character, which had, I scarcely knew how, become a _sine qua non_ in my +matrimonial views. These things considered, I decided against Sidney; +and it so happened, that this decision was formed in an hour after I had +received a long and friendly letter from Mr Maitland. + +Now this letter did not contain one word of Maitland's former avowal; +nor one insinuation of affection, which might not, with equal propriety, +have been expressed by my grandmother. But it spoke a strong feeling for +my misfortunes; a kindly interest in my welfare; it represented the +duties and the advantages of my new condition; and reminded me, that, in +so far as independence is attainable by man, it belongs to every one who +can limit his desires to that which can be purchased by his labour. + +'I see no advantage in being married,' said I, rousing myself from a +reverie into which I had fallen after the third reading of my letter. +'Mr Maitland can advise me as well as any husband could; and in ten or a +dozen years hence, I might make myself very useful to him too. I might +manage his household, and amuse him; and there could be nothing absurd +in that after we were both so old.' + +'Not quite old enough for that sort of life, I am afraid,' said Miss +Mortimer, smiling. 'If, indeed, Mr Maitland were to marry, the woman of +his choice would probably be an invaluable protector to you.' + +'Oh he won't marry. I am sure he will not; and I wonder, Miss Mortimer, +what makes you so anxious to dispose of all your favourites? For my +part, I hate to hear of people being married.' + +I thought there was meaning in Miss Mortimer's half suppressed smile; +but she did not raise her eyes, and only answered good humouredly, that, +'indeed, all her matrimonial plans for the last twenty years had been +for others.' + +Some expressions of curiosity on my part now drew from Miss Mortimer a +narrative of her uneventful life; which, as it is connected with the +little I knew of Mr Maitland's, and with the story of my mother's early +days, I shall give in my own words:-- + +Miss Mortimer and my mother were hereditary friends. Their fathers +fought side by side,--their mothers became widows together.--Together +the surviving parents retired to quiet neglect, and mutually devoted +themselves to the duties which still remained for them. Those which fell +to the lot of Mrs Warburton were the more difficult; for, while a +moderate patrimony placed the only child of her friend above dependence, +it was her task to reconcile to poverty and toil the high spirit of a +youth of genius; and to arm, for the rude encounters of the world, a +being to whom gentleness made them terrible, to whom beauty increased +their danger. + +The splendid progress of young Warburton's education had been the boast +of his teachers,--the delight of his parents,--the pride, the only pride +of his sister's heart. But his father's death blasted the fair prospect. +The widow's pittance could not afford to her son the means of +instruction; and from the pursuit of knowledge,--the pleasures of +success,--and the hopes of distinction,--poor Warburton unwillingly +turned to earn, by the toil of the day, the support which was to fit him +for the toil of the morrow. Disgusted and desponding, he yet refrained +from aggravating by complaint the sorrows of his mother and his sister. +To Miss Mortimer, the companion of his childhood, he mourned his +disappointed ambition, and was heard with sympathy; he deplored the +failure of hopes more interesting, and won something more than pity. + +In the counting-house, which was the scene of his cheerless labour, he +found, however, a friend; and Maitland, though nearly seven years +younger than he, gained first his respect, and then his affection. + +Maitland, while thus in age a boy, was a tall, vigorous, hardy +mountaineer. His nerves had been braced by toilsome exercise and +inclement skies; his strong mind had gained power under a discipline +which allowed no other rest than change of employment. He had left his +native land, and renounced his paternal home, in compliance with the +will of his parents, and the caprice of his uncle, who, upon these +conditions, offered him the reversion of a splendid affluence. His +country he remembered with the virtuous partiality which so strongly +distinguishes, and so well becomes, her children. Of his paternal home +he seldom spoke. Silent and shy, he escaped the smile of vulgar scorn, +which would have avenged the confession that the bribes of fortune +poorly repaid the endearments of brethren and friends; that all the +charms of spectacle and song could not please like the rude verse which +first taught him the legends of a gallant ancestry; that all the +treasures of art he would have gladly exchanged for permission to bend +once more from the precipice which no foot but his had ever dared to +climb, or linger once more in the valley whose freshness had rewarded +his first infant adventure. Curiosity is feeble in the busy and the gay. +No one asked, no one heard the story of Maitland's youth; and Warburton +alone knew the full cost of a sacrifice too great and too painful to be +made a theme with strangers. Maitland the elder, retaining his national +prejudice in favour of a liberal education, permitted his nephew to +pursue and enlarge his studies under the inspection of a man of sense +and learning; designing to send him at a proper age to the university. +Meanwhile he required him to spend a few hours daily in attendance upon +his future profession. + +In Maitland, young as he was, Warburton found a companion who could task +his mind to its full strength. In classical acquirements, Maitland was +already little inferior to his friend; and, if he had less imagination, +he had more acuteness and sagacity. Enduring in quiet scorn the derision +which his provincial accent excited in the sharers of his humbler +lessons, he was pleased to find in Warburton manners more congenial with +his own habits. The young scholars had subjects of mutual interest in +which the others could not sympathise. The few hours which Maitland +spent daily in the counting-house, alone broke the dull monotony of +Warburton's labour; and Warburton alone listened with the enthusiasm +which unlocks the heart, to Maitland's descriptions of his native +scenes, of torrents roaring from the precipice, and woods dishevelled by +the storm. They became friends, and Warburton confided his lost hopes, +and bewailed the untimely close of his attainments. The hardier mind of +Maitland suggested a remedy for the evil. He advised his friend to earn +by severer toil, and to save by stricter parsimony, a fund which might +in time afford the advantage of a college life. From that hour he +himself gave the example of the toil and the parsimony which he +recommended. He abridged his rest, he renounced his recreations for the +drudgery of translating for a bookseller. The allowance which he had +been accustomed to spend, he hoarded with a miser's care. He was invited +to share the pleasures of his companions, and resolutely refused. He +listened to hints of his penurious temper, and deigned no other answer +than a smile. But, when he was better known, few were so unprincipled as +to find in him the subject of a jest, and fewer still so daring as to +betray their scorn; for Maitland possessed, even then, qualities which +ensure command,--integrity which no bribe could warp,--decision which +feared no difficulty,--penetration which admitted of no disguise. After +two years of silent perseverance, he presented to his friend the fruits +of his self-denial, and was more than recompensed when Warburton +accompanied him to Oxford. + +It was a few months before the completion of this arrangement, that Mr +Percy, taking shelter from a shower in a parish church at the hour of +morning prayer, was captivated by the beauty, the modesty, and the +devotion of Frances Warburton. He followed her home; obtained an +introduction; and soon made proposals, with little form and much +liberality. Frances shrunk from her new lover; for a difference of +thirty years in their ages was the least point of their dissimilarity. +The lover, sensible of no disparity but such as a settlement might +counterbalance, enlarged his offers. He would have scorned to let any +expectation outgo his liberality. He promised competence for life to her +mother, and Frances faltered in her refusal. Mrs Warburton did not use +direct persuasion; but she sometimes lamented to her daughter that +poverty should mar the promise of her Edmund's genius. 'Had he but one +friend,' said she, 'even one to encourage or assist him, he would yet be +the glory of my old age.'--'He shall have a friend,' returned the +weeping Frances;--and she married Mr Percy. + +But the sacrifice was unavailing. Young Warburton was not destined to +need such aid as riches can give, nor to attain such advancement as +riches can buy. His constitution, already broken by confinement, was +unequal to his more willing exertions; yet, insensible to his danger, he +pursued his enticing bane; rejected the friendly warning which told him +that he was labouring his life away; and was one morning found dead in +his study; the essay lying before him which was that day to have +introduced him to fame and fortune. + +Miss Mortimer and her friend suffering together, became the more +endeared to each other. My mother, indeed, had found a new object of +interest; and she transferred a part, perhaps too large a part, of her +widowed affections to her child. Miss Mortimer raised hers to a better +world; and recalled them to this fleeting scene no more. + +Maitland, defended from the dangers of a university by steady principles +and habits of application, passed safely, even at Oxford, the perilous +years between boyhood and majority; then turned his attention to studies +more peculiarly belonging to his intended profession. He visited the +greatest commercial cities upon the Continent; conversed with the most +enlightened of their merchants; and, far from limiting his inquiries to +the mere means of gain, he embraced in his comprehensive mind all the +mutual relations and mutual benefits of trading nations. At the age of +twenty-five he returned home, to take a principal share in the direction +of one of the greatest mercantile houses in Britain. Before he was +thirty, the death of his uncle had put him in possession of a noble +independence, and left him chief partner in a concern which promised to +realise the wildest dreams of avarice. But the love of wealth had no +place in Maitland's soul. A small part of his princely revenue sufficed +for one whose habits were frugal, whose pleasures were simple, whose +tastes were domestic. The remainder stole forth in many a channel; like +unseen rills, betraying its course only by the riches which it brought. + +Awake, as he ever was, to the claims of justice and humanity, it was not +personal interest that could shield the slave trade from the reprobation +of Maitland. He conquered his retiring nature that, in the senate of his +country, he might lend his testimony against this foulest of her crimes; +and when that senate stilled the general cry with a poor promise of +distant reform, he blushed for England and for human kind. Somewhat of +the same honest shame he felt at the recollection that he was himself +the proprietor of many hundreds of his fellow-creatures; and when he +found that his public exertions in their cause did not avail, he braved +the danger of a pestilent climate to mitigate the evil which he could +not cure, and to gain, by personal investigation, knowledge which might +yet be useful in better times. + +Such was Maitland. I dwell upon his character with mingled pleasure and +regret: pleasure, perhaps, not untainted with womanly vanity; regret, +that, when I might have shared the labours, the virtues, the love of his +noble soul, a senseless vanity made me cold to his affection,--a mean +coquetry wrecked me in his esteem! I might once, indeed, have bound him +to me for ever; but it was now plain that he had cast off his inglorious +shackles. Although I answered his letter, he showed no intention of +continuing our correspondence, and to Miss Mortimer he noticed me only +as a common friend; nor did he ever mention his return to Britain as +likely to take place before the lapse of many years. + +Warned by the consequences of my past folly, and beginning now to act, +however imperfectly, by the only rule which will ever lead us to uniform +justice, I had no sooner formed my resolution in regard to Sidney, than +I gave him an opportunity of learning my sentiments. I will not deny +that this cost me an effort, for I was afraid of losing a pleasant +acquaintance; and besides, as the young gentleman was sentimentally in +love, his little anxieties and tremours were really, in spite of myself, +amusing. But vanity, though unconquerably rooted in me by nature and +habit, was no longer overlooked as a venial error. I struggled against +it, as a part of that selfish, earth-born spirit, which was altogether +inconsistent with my new profession, and which except at the moment of +temptation, seemed now too despicable to bias the actions even of an +infant. Sidney was a man of sense; and therefore, by a very few efforts +of firmness I convinced him that he could be nothing more. + +Nor did the explanation occasion even a temporary suspension of our +intercourse. Unfortunately, his professional visits were become +necessary to Miss Mortimer; and with me he had long before started a +topic, amply compensating that which I had interdicted. He had an +excellent chemical library, and a tolerable apparatus. By means of +these, and a degree of patience not to be expected from any man but a +lover, he contrived to initiate me into the first rudiments of a +science, which has no detriment except its unbounded power of enticing +those who pursue it. By informing me what I might read with advantage, +he saved me the time which I might have lost in making the discovery +myself; and though he had not always leisure to watch my progress, he +could direct me what to attempt. After all, it must be confessed that my +attainments in chemistry were contemptible; but even this feeble +beginning of a habit of patient enquiry was invaluable. Besides, in the +course of my experiments, I made a discovery infinitely more important +to me than that of latent heat or galvanism; namely, that the prospect +of exhibition is not necessary to the interest of study. + +Nothing is more important in its issue, nothing more dull in relation, +than a life of quiet and regular employment. A narrative of my first +year's residence with Miss Mortimer would be a mere detail of feelings +and reflections, mixed with confessions of a thousand instances of +rashness, impatience, and pride. My original blemishes were still +conspicuous enough to establish my identity; yet one momentous change +had taken place, for those blemishes were no longer unobserved or +wilful. I had become more afraid of erring than of seeing my +error,--more anxious to escape from my faults than from my conscience. +Not that her rebukes were become more gentle: on the contrary, an +unutterable sense of depravity and ingratitude was added to my +self-accusings; for, in receiving the forgiveness of a father, I had +awakened to the feelings of a child, and in every act of disobedience I +sinned against all the affections of my soul. Let it not be objected to +religion, if my judgment was disproportioned to the force of sentiments +like these; and if, though no devotion can be extravagant in its degree, +mine was sometimes indiscreet in its expression. The fault lay in my +education, not in my faith. Christianity justly claims for her own the +'spirit of a sound mind;' but that spirit dwells most frequently with +those whose devout feelings have been accustomed to find their chief +vent in virtuous actions. + +My walk happened one day to lead near a dissenting chapel; and the +eagerness to hear which characterises recent converts made me join the +multitude who thronged the entrance. 'The truth,' thought I, 'is +despised by the gay and the giddy; but to me it shall be welcome, come +when it will.' Was there nothing pharisaical in the temper of this +welcome? In spite, however, of the liberality for which I was applauding +myself, my expectations were influenced by my early prejudices; and I +presupposed the preacher, zealous indeed, but loud, stern, and +inelegant. Surprise, therefore, added force to my impressions. The +unadorned pulpit was occupied by a youth not yet in his prime, nor +destined, as it seemed, ever to reach that period. The bloom of youth +had given place in his countenance to a wandering glow, that came and +went with the mind's or the body's fever. His bright blue eyes--now cast +down in humility, now flashing with rapturous hope--had never shone with +less gentle fires. His manner had the mild seriousness of entreaty,--his +composition the careless vigour of genius; or rather the eloquence of +one, who, feeling the essential glory of truth, thinks not of decking +her with tinsel. + +Reasoning must convince the understanding, and a power which neither +human reasoning nor human eloquence can boast must bend the will to +goodness; but that which comes from the heart will, for a time at least, +reach the heart. Mine was strongly moved. The novel simplicity of +form,--the fervour of extemporary prayer,--the zeal of the youthful +teacher, his faithful descriptions of a debasement which I strongly +felt, his unqualifying application of the only medicine which can +minister to this mortal disease,--roused me at once to all the energy of +passion. I abhorred the coldness of my ordinary convictions; and, +compared with what I now felt, disparaged the impression of regular +instruction. I forgot, or I had yet to learn, that the genuine spirit of +the Gospel is described as the 'spirit of peace,' not of rapture; that +the heavenly weapon is not characterised as dazzling us with its lustre, +but as 'bringing into captivity every thought.' Feeling an increase of +heat, I rashly inferred that I had received an accession of light; and +immediately resolved to join the favoured congregation of a pastor so +useful. + +My recollection of the prejudice which confounds in one undistinguishing +charge of fanaticism many thousands of virtuous and sober-minded persons +rather strengthened that resolution; for fire and faggot are not the +only species of persecution which arms our natural feelings on the side +of the suffering cause. I gloried in the thought of sharing contempt +for conscience-sake; and longed with more, it must be owned, of zeal +than of humility, to enter upon this minor martyrdom. + +That very evening I announced my purpose to my friend, in a tone of +premature triumph. Miss Mortimer was so habitually averse to +contradicting, that I was obliged to interpret into dissent the grave +silence in which she received my communication. Dissent I might have +borne, but not such dissent as barred all disputation; and I entered on +a warm defence of my sentiments, as if they had been attacked. Miss +Mortimer waited the subsiding of that part of my warmth which belonged +to mere temper; then gave a mild but firm opinion. 'It had been +allowed,' she told me, 'by an author of equal candour and acuteness, +that "there is, perhaps, no establishment so corrupt as not to make the +bulk of mankind better than they would be without it." Our countenance, +therefore,' she said, 'to the establishment of the country in which we +lived was a debt we owed to society; unless, indeed, the higher duty +which we owed to God were outraged by the doctrines of the national +church. As for mere form, it had always,' she said, 'appeared to her +utterly immaterial, except as it served to express or to strengthen +devotion; therefore, it seemed unnecessary to forsake a ritual which had +been found to answer these purposes. If the ordinances, as administered +by our church, were less efficacious to me than they had been to others, +she would wish me to examine whether this were not owing to some +unobserved error in my manner of using them; but if, after diligent +attention, humble self-examination, and earnest prayer for guidance, I +continued to find the national worship unsuitable to my particular case, +she might regret, but she could not condemn, my secession; since I +should then be not only privileged, but bound, to forsake her +communion.' + +The time was not long past, since even this mild resistance would have +only confirmed me in a favourite purpose; but I was becoming less +confident in my own judgment, and Miss Mortimer's consistent worth had +established an influence over me beyond even that to which my +obligations entitled her. Though her natural abilities were merely +respectable, her opinions upon every point of duty had such precision +and good sense that, without being aware of it, I leant upon her +judgment of right and wrong, as naturally as the infant trusts his first +unsteady steps to his mother's sustaining hand. She prevailed upon me to +pause, ere I forsook the forms in which my fathers had worshipped; and +though her own principle has since connected me with a church of +simpler government and ritual, I have never seen reason to repent of the +delay. + +And now, deprived as I was of all the baubles which I had once imagined +necessary to comfort, almost to existence, I was nearer to happiness +than I had ever been while in the full enjoyment of all that pleasure, +wealth, and flattery can bestow; for I now possessed all the materials +of such happiness as this state of trial admits,--good health, constant +employment, the necessaries of this life, and the steady hope of a +better. And let the lover of pleasure, the slave of Mammon, the sage who +renounces the light of heaven for the spark which himself has kindled, +smile in scorn whilst I avow, that I at times felt rapture, compared +with which their highest triumph of success is tame. I can bear the +smile, for I know that they are compelled to mingle it with a sigh; that +they envy the creature whom they affect to scorn; and wish--vainly wish, +that they could choose the better part. + +The bitter drop which is found in every cup, was infused into mine by +the increasing illness of Miss Mortimer; and by a strong suspicion, that +poverty aggravated to her the evils of disease. This latter +circumstance, however, was conjectural; for Miss Mortimer, though +confidingly open with me upon every other subject, was here most +guarded. From the restraint visibly laid upon inclinations which I knew +to be liberal in the extreme,--from my friend's obstinate refusal to +indulge in any of the little luxuries which sickness and debility +require,--from many trifles which cannot evade the eye of an inmate, I +began to form conjectures which I soon accidentally discovered to be but +too well founded. A gentleman happened to make a visit of business to +Miss Mortimer one day when she was too much indisposed to receive him; +and he incautiously committed to me a message for her, by which I +discovered, that her whole patrimony had been involved in the ruin of my +father; that, except the income of the current year, which she had +fortunately rescued a few weeks before the wreck, she had lost all; +that, while she made exertions beyond her strength to seek and to +comfort me, while she soothed my sullen despair, she was herself +shrinking before the gaunt aspect of poverty; and that, while she +contrived for me indulgences which she denied to herself, her generous +soul abhorred to divulge what might have rendered my feeling of +dependence more painful. + +When the certainty of all this burst upon me, I felt as if I had been in +some sort responsible for the injury which my father had inflicted; and, +overwhelmed with a sense of most undeserved obligation, I almost sunk +to the ground. The moment I recovered myself, I flew to my friend, and +with floods of tears, and the most passionate expressions of gratitude, +I protested that I would no longer be a burden upon her generosity; and +besought her to consider of some situation in which I might earn my +subsistence. But Miss Mortimer resisted my proposal upon grounds which I +felt it impossible to dispute. 'I cannot spare you yet, my dear child,' +said she. 'I have been assured, that in a very few months you must be at +liberty; but you will not leave me yet!--you will not leave me to die +alone.' + +This was the first intimation which I had received of the inevitable +fate of one whose gentle virtues and unwearied kindness had centered in +herself all my widowed affections; and it wholly overpowered the +fortitude which not an hour before I had thought invincible. I hurried +from human sight, while I mingled with bitter cries a passionate +entreaty, that I might suffer any thing rather than the loss of my only +friend. We often ask in folly; but we are answered in wisdom. The decree +was gone forth; and no selfish entreaties availed to detain the saint +from her reward. When the first emotions were past, I saw, and +confessed, that a petition such as mine, clothed in whatever language, +was wanting in the very nature of prayer; which has the promise of +obtaining what we need, not of extorting what we desire. + +In the present situation of my friend, it was impossible for me to +forsake her; yet I could not endure to feel myself a burden upon the +little wreck which the misfortunes or imprudence of my family had left +her. Hour after hour I pondered the means of making my labour answer to +my subsistence. But there my early habits were doubly against me. +Accustomed to seek in trifling pastimes relaxation from employment +scarcely less trifling, perseverance in mere manual industry was to me +almost impossible. Habituated to confound the needful with the +desirable, I had no idea how large a proportion of what we think +necessary to the decencies of our station belongs solely to the wants of +our fancy. My highest notion of economy in dress went no farther than +the relinquishing of ornament; therefore, all my little works of +ingenuity were barely sufficient to supply my own wardrobe, and another +channel of expense which I had of late learnt to think at least as +necessary. I saw no means, therefore, of escaping my dependence upon +Miss Mortimer. Yet it made me miserable to think, that, for my sake, she +must deny herself the necessaries of decaying life. + +My heart gave a bound as my eye chanced to be caught by the sparkle of +my mother's ring, and I recollected that its value might relieve my +unwilling pressure upon my friend. But when I had looked at it till a +thousand kindly recollections rose to my mind, my courage failed; and I +thought it impossible to part with the memorial of my first and fondest +attachment. Again my obligations to Miss Mortimer,--the rights of my +mother's friend,--the dread of subtracting from the few comforts of a +life which was so soon to close, upbraided my reluctance to sacrifice a +selfish feeling; but a casuistry, which has often aided me against +disagreeable duty, made me judge it best to act deliberately; and thus +to defer indefinitely what I could neither willingly do, nor peacefully +leave undone. + +My decision, however, was hastened by one of those accidents which, I am +ashamed to say, have determined half the actions of my life. The next +morning, as I was reading to Miss Mortimer in her ground parlour, a +woman came to the window offering for sale a basket of beautiful fruit. +Fruit had been recommended as a medicine to my friend. I fancied, too, +though perhaps it was only fancy, that she looked wistfully at it; and +when she turned away without buying any, the scalding tears rushed to my +eyes. Hastily producing the money which I had privately received for +some painted screens, I heaped all the finest fruit before Miss +Mortimer; and when, in spite of her mild remonstrances, I had laid out +almost my whole fortune, I was seized with a sudden impatience to visit +London; and thither I immediately went, promising to return before +night. + +I began my journey with a heavy heart. A stage-coach, the only +conveyance suited to my circumstances, was quite new to me; and I shrunk +with some alarm from companions, much like those usually to be met with +in such vehicles, vulgar, prying, and communicative. Finding, however, +that they offered me no incivility, I re-assured myself; and began to +consider what price I was likely to obtain for my ring, and how I might +best present my offering to Miss Mortimer. The first of these points I +settled more agreeably to my wishes than to truth; the second was still +undetermined when the coach stopped. Then I first recollected, that, +with my usual inconsiderateness, I had not left myself the means of +hiring a conveyance through the town. I had therefore no choice but to +walk alone in some of the most crowded streets of the city. + +And now I had some cause for the alarm that seized me, for I was more +than once boldly accosted; and, ere I reached the shop where I intended +to offer my ring, I was so thoroughly discomposed, that I entered +without observing an equipage of the De Burghs at the door. + +The shop was full of gay company; but one figure alone fixed my +attention. It was that of my heartless friend. I recoiled like one who +treads upon a serpent. My first impulse was to fly; but ere I had time +to retreat, a deadly sickness arrested my steps; and I stood motionless +and crouching towards the earth, as if struck by the power of the +basilisk. A person belonging to the shop, who came to enquire my +commands, seeing me, I suppose, ready to sink, offered me a chair; upon +which I unconsciously dropped, still unable to withdraw my gaze from my +apostate friend. Presently I almost started from my seat as her eye met +mine. Her deepening colour alone told that she recognized me; for she +instantly turned away. + +Indignation now began to displace the stupor which had seized me. 'Shall +I let this unfeeling creature see,' thought I, 'that she has power to +move me thus? Or shall I tamely slink away, as if it were I who should +dread the glance of reproach?--as if it were I who had stabbed the heart +which trusted me?' My breast swelling with pain, pride, and resentment, +I arose; and walking across the shop with steps as stately as if I had +been about to purchase all the splendours it contained, I began to +transact the business which brought me thither. My attention, however, +was so much pre-occupied, that I was scarcely sensible of surprise when +the jeweller named five-and-twenty pounds as the price of my ring; a sum +less than one third of what I had expected. + +I now perceived that Miss Arnold accompanied Lady Maria de Burgh. They +talked familiarly together, and I was probably their subject; for Lady +Maria stared full upon me, though her companion did not venture another +glance towards the spot where I stood. Not satisfied with her arrogant +scrutiny, Lady Maria, as if curious to know whether I were the buyer or +the seller, made some pretence for approaching close to me, though +without any sign of recognition. I had a hundred times abjured my enmity +to Lady Maria. I had wept over it as ungrateful, unchristian. In +cool-blooded solitude I had vowed a hundred times, that, having been +forgiven a debt of ten thousand talents, I would never more wrangle for +trifles with my fellow-servants. But when I was fretted with the insults +of strangers, and sore with the unkindness of my early friend, when +perhaps my pride was wounded by the circumstances in which she was about +to detect me, her Ladyship's little impertinence, attacking me on the +weak side, stirred at once the gall of my temper. Suspending a bargain +which, indeed, I did not wish her to witness, 'Pray,' said I to the +shopman, 'attend in the first place to that lady's business; if indeed +she has any except to pry into mine.' + +Lady Maria, who knew by experience that she was no match for me in a war +of words, muttered something, and retreated, tossing her pretty head +with disdain. Eager to be gone, I closed with the offer which had been +made for my ring; and after delays which I thought almost endless, had +received my money, and was about to depart, when Miss Arnold, who was in +close conversation with her companion, in a distant part of the shop, +suddenly advanced, as if with an intention to accost me. I was +breathless with agitation and resentment. 'I will be cool, scornfully +cool,' thought I; 'I will show her that I can forget all my long-tried +affection, and remember only----' I turned away, and remembrance wrung +tears from me. But the formal effrontery with which she addressed me +restored in a moment my fortitude and my indignation. She excused +herself for not speaking to me sooner, by asserting that she 'really had +not observed me.' + +Scorning the paltry falsehood, 'That is no wonder, Miss Arnold,' +answered I, 'for I am much lessened since you saw me last.' + +I was moving away; but Miss Arnold, who had probably received her +instructions, detained me. 'Do stay a few minutes,' said she coaxingly, +'I have a great deal to say to you. Lady Maria will be here for an hour, +for she and Glendower are choosing their wedding finery; so if you lodge +any way hereabouts, I can take the carriage and set you down.' + +The days of my credulous inadvertence were past; and, at once perceiving +the drift of this proposal, I answered with ineffable scorn, 'If you or +Lady Maria have any curiosity to know my present situation, you may be +gratified without hazarding your reputation by being seen with a +runaway. I live with Miss Mortimer.' + +I think Miss Arnold had the grace to blush, but I did not wait to +examine. I hurried away; threw myself into the first hackney coach I +could find; and returned home, exhausted and dispirited. I was +dissatisfied with myself. The time had been when I should have thought +the impertinence of a rival, the cool effrontery and paltry cunning of +Miss Arnold, sufficient justification of any degree of resentment or +contempt; but now I needed only the removal of temptation to remind me +how unsuitable were scorn and anger to the circumstances of one who was +herself so undeservedly, so lately, and still so imperfectly reclaimed. +I firmly resolved, that if ever I should again meet Miss Arnold or her +new protectress, I should treat them with that cool, guarded courtesy +which is the unalienable right of all human kind. The strength of this +resolution was not immediately tried. All my resentments had time to +subside before I again saw or heard of my false friend. + +Indeed, my seclusion now became more complete than ever; for Miss +Mortimer's malady, the increase of which she had hitherto endeavoured to +conceal from me, suddenly became so severe as to baffle all disguise. +Yet it was no expression of impatience which betrayed her. For four +months I scarcely quitted her bed-side, by day or by night. During this +long protracted season of suffering, neither cry nor groan escaped her. +Often have I wiped the big drops of agony from her forehead; but she +never complained. She was more than patient; the settled temper of her +mind was thankfulness. The decay of its prison-house seemed only to give +the spirit a foretaste for freedom. Timid by nature, beyond the usual +fearfulness of her sex, she yet endured pain, not with the iron +contumacy of a savage, but with the submission of filial love. The +approach of death she watched more in the spirit of the conqueror than +the victim; yet she expressed her willingness to linger on till +suffering should have extinguished every tendency to self-will, and +helplessness should have destroyed every vestige of pride. Her desire +was granted. Her trials brought with them an infallible token that they +came from a Father's hand; for her character, excellent as it had +seemed, was exalted by suffering; and that which in life was lovely, was +in death sublime. + +At last, the great work was finished. Her education for eternity was +completed; and, from the severe lessons of this land of discipline, she +was called to the boundless improvement, the intuitive knowledge, the +glorious employments of her Father's house. One morning, after more than +ordinary suffering, I saw her suddenly relieved from pain; and, grasping +at a deceitful hope, I looked forward to no less than years of her +prolonged life. But she was not so deceived. With pity she beheld my +short-sighted reasoning. 'Dear child,' said she, 'must that sanguine +spirit cheat thee to the end? Think not now of wishing for my +life,--pray rather that my death may profit thee.' She paused for a +moment, and then added emphatically, 'Do you not every morning pray for +a blessing on the events which _that day_ will produce?' + +Long as I had anticipated this sentence, it was more than I could bear. +'This day! this very day!' I cried. 'It cannot,--it shall not be. It is +sinful in you thus to limit your days! this very day! oh, I will not +believe it;' and I threw myself upon my friend's death-bed in an agony +which belied my words. + +She gently reproved my vehemence. 'Ellen, my dear Ellen, my friend, my +comforter, how can you lament my release? Your affection has been a +blessing in my time of trial,--will you let it disturb the hour of my +rejoicing? Had I been necessary to you, my child, I hope I could have +wished for your sake to linger here; but "one thing"--only one--"is +needful." That one you have received,--and when the light of heaven has +risen upon you, can you mourn, that one feeble spark is darkened?' + +The physicians, whom I sent in haste to summon, came only to confirm her +prediction. She forced them to number the hours she had to live; and +heard with a placid smile that the morning's sun would rise in vain for +her. She bade farewell to them and to her attendants, bestowing, with +her own hand, some small memorial upon each; then gently dismissed all, +except myself and the hereditary servant who had grown old with her, and +who now watched the close of a life which she had witnessed from its +beginning. 'I saw her baptism,' said the faithful creature to me, the +big tears rolling down her furrowed face, 'and now--but it is as the +Lord will.' + +By my dying friend's own desire, she was visited by the clergyman upon +whose ministry she had attended; and with him she conversed with her +accustomed serenity, directing his attention to some of her own poor, +who were likely to become more destitute by her loss; and affectionately +commending to his care the unfortunate girl whom her death was to cast +once more friendless upon the world. + +While he read to her the office for the sick, she listened with the +steady attention of a mind in its full strength. When he came to the +words, 'Thou hast been my hope from my youth!'--'Yes!' said she; 'He has +indeed been my hope from my youth. He blessed the prayers and the +labours of my parents, so that I never remember a time when I could rest +in any other trust; yet, till now, I never knew that hope in its full +strength and brightness.' Then laying her hand, now chill with the damps +of death, upon my arm, she said with great energy, 'Ellen, I trust I can +triumphantly appeal to you whether our blessed faith brings not comfort +unspeakable;--but how strong, how suitable, how glorious its +consolations are, you will never know, till, like me, you are bereft of +all others, and, like me, find them sufficient, when all others fail.' + +Towards evening her voice became feeble, she breathed with pain, and all +her bodily powers seemed to decay. But that which was heaven-born was +imperishable. The love of God and man remained unshaken. Complaining +that her mind was grown too feeble to form a connected prayer, she bade +me repeat to her the triumphant strains in which David exults in the +care of the Good Shepherd. When I had ended, 'Yes,' said she; 'He knows +how to comfort me in the dark valley, for He has trod it before me;--and +what am I that I should die amidst the cares of kind friends, and He +amidst the taunts of his enemies! Ellen your mind is entire;--thank Him, +thank Him fervently for me, that I am mercifully dealt with.' + +As I knelt down to obey her, she laid her hand upon my head as if to +bless me. At first, she repeated after me the expressions which pleased +her, afterwards single words, then, after a long interval, the name of +Him in whom she trusted. When I rose from my knees, her eyes were +closed,--the hand which had been lifted in prayer was sunk upon her +breast. A smile of triumph lingered on her face. It was the beam of a +sun that had set. The saint had entered into rest. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + _----She hath ta'en farewell.---- + Upon her hearth the fire is dead, + The smoke in air hath vanished. + The last long lingering look is given; + The shuddering start! the inward groan! + And the pilgrim on her way is gone._ + + John Wilson. + + +As I tore myself from the remains of my friend, I felt that I had +nothing more to lose. My soul, which had so obstinately clung to the +earth, had no longer whereon to fix her hold. Words cannot describe the +moment when, having assisted in the last sad office of woman, I was led +from the chamber of death to wander through my desolate dwelling. Man +cannot utter what I felt when I left the grave of my friend, and turned +me to the solitary wilderness again. + +Yet even the agony of my grief had no likeness to the stern horror which +had once overwhelmed my soul. I was in sorrow indeed, but not in +despair; I was lonely, but not forsaken. My interests in this scene of +things were shaken,--were changed,--but not annihilated; for the world +can never be a desert while gladdened by the sensible presence of its +Maker; nor life be a blank to one who acts for eternity. The mere effort +to become resigned, forbade the listlessness of despair; and even +partial success gave some relief from uniformity of anguish. But I was +new to the lesson of resignation, and as yet faintly imbued with that +spirit which accepts with filial thankfulness the chastisements of a +father. The accents of submission were choked by those of sorrow; and +when I tried to say, 'Thy will be done,' I could only bow my head and +weep. + +It was not till the first bitterness of grief was past, that I +recollected all the cause I had to grieve. My first feeling of +desolateness was scarcely heightened by the reflection, that I was once +more cast upon the world without refuge or means of subsistence. A few +days after the death of my friend, her legal heir arrived to assert his +rights; and the will by which she had intended to secure in her cottage +a shelter for her old servant and myself was too informal to entitle us +to resist his more valid claim. The will was written with Miss +Mortimer's own hand, and expressed with all the touching solemnity of a +last address to the object of strong affection. To resist it, seemed to +me an instance of almost impious hardness of heart; and when the heir, +fretted perhaps by finding his inheritance fall so far below his +expectations, gave me notice, that I must either purchase the remainder +of the lease, or, within a month, seek another habitation, I resolved +that I would owe nothing to the forbearance of a being so callous;--that +I would instantly resign to him whatever the relentless law made his +own. + +But whither could I go? I was as friendless as the first outcast that +was driven forth a wanderer. I had no claim of gratitude, relationship, +or intimacy on any living being. The few friends of my mother who had +visited me after my return from school, I had neglected as persons of a +character too grave, and of habits too retiring for the circle in which +I desired to move. In that circle, a few months had sufficed to procure +me some hundreds of acquaintances; ages probably would not have +furnished me with one friend. My own labour, therefore, was now become +my only means of obtaining shelter or subsistence; and, foreign as the +effort was to all my habits, the struggle must be made. But how was I to +direct my attempts? What channel had the customs of society left open to +the industry of woman? The only one which seemed within my reach was the +tuition of youth; and I felt myself less dependent when I recollected my +thorough knowledge of music, and my acquaintance with other arts of +idleness. When, indeed, I considered how small a part of the education +of a rational and accountable being I was after all fitted to undertake, +I shrunk from the awful responsibility of the charge, and I fear pride +was still more averse to the task than principle; but there seemed no +alternative, and my plan was fixed. + +To enter on a state of dependence amidst scenes which had witnessed my +better fortunes,--to be recognised in a condition little removed from +servitude by those who had seen me at the summit of prosperity,--to +meet scorn in the glances of once envious rivals,--and pity in the eye +of once rejected lovers, would have furnished exercise for more humility +than I had yet attained. Almost the first resolution which I formed on +the subject was, that the scene of my labours should be far distant from +London. Other circumstances in the situation which I was about to seek, +I determined not to weigh too fastidiously; for though the most +ambiguous praise from a person of fashion is often thought sufficient +introduction to the most momentous of trusts, I had seen enough of the +world to know, that it would be difficult to obtain the office of a +teacher upon the mere strength of my acquaintance with what I pretended +to teach; and I was resolved to owe no recommendation to any of those +summer friends, by whom I seemed now utterly neglected and forgotten. + +To the clergyman, whose compassion my dying friend had claimed for me, I +explained my situation and my purpose. He showed me every kindness which +genuine benevolence could dictate,--offered to write in my behalf to a +married sister settled in a remote part of the kingdom,--and invited me +to reside in his family till I found a preferable situation. + +Meanwhile, a most unexpected occurrence placed me beyond the reach of +immediate want. Among Miss Mortimer's papers was found a sealed packet +addressed to me. It enclosed a bank-bill for 300_l._; and in the +envelope these words were written:-- + + 'My dear Ellen, use the enclosed sum without scruple and without + enquiry; for it is your own. Mine it never was, and none else has + any claim upon it. It came into my possession within this hour, + from whence you may never know; but I will conceal it till all is + over, lest you squander upon the dying that which the living will + need. + + 'E. MORTIMER.' + +I instantly conjectured that this sum was the gift of Mr Maitland. 'And +yet,' said I to myself, 'he has no interest in me now, except such as he +would take in any one whom he thought unfortunate. Perhaps--if I could +see his letters to Miss Mortimer--but I am sure his sentiments are of no +consequence to me,--only, if this money be really his, I ought +undoubtedly to restore it; and this from no impulse of pride certainly. +Is there not a wide difference between humility and meanness?' +Persuading myself, that it was quite necessary to ascertain the true +owner of the money, I obtained permission to examine the correspondence +which my friend had left behind. I found it to contain many letters from +Mr Maitland, but only one in which I was mentioned, otherwise than in +the words of common courtesy; and of that one, the tantalising caution +of my friend had spared only the following fragment:-- + +'I will not be dazzled by your pictures of your young friend's +improvement. I consider, that while you are drawing them, she is before +you; turning up her transparent cheek as she used to do, and looking up +in your face half sideways through her long black eyelashes, with that +air of arch ingenuousness that must tempt you to give her credit for +every virtue. I will not allow your partiality to blind me nor yourself +to the probability, that all her apparent progress is not real. Ellen +has warm passions and a vivid imagination; therefore, it is impossible +that she should fail to receive a strong impression from events which +have changed the whole colour of her fate. But the passions and the +imagination are not the seat of religion. Besides, admitting that she +has received a new principle of action, we must recollect, that pride +and self-indulgence are not to be cured in an hour; nor can the opposite +virtues spring without culture. The principle which guides our habits +may be suddenly changed; and perhaps no means is more frequently +employed for this change than severe calamity: but our habits themselves +are of slow growth; slowly the seeds of evil are eradicated; laboriously +the good ground is prepared; watered with the dews of heaven, the good +seed, in progress that baffles human observation, advances from the +feeble germ that scarcely rears itself from the dust, to the mature +plant which bringeth forth an hundred fold. So you see, my good friend, +I am determined to be wise; to read your encomiums with allowance; and, +having painfully escaped from danger, to be cautious how I tempt it +again. + +'The execution of my present plans must detain me in exile for years to +come; otherwise I could dream of a time when, having vanquished the +power of that strange girl over my happiness, I might venture to watch +over hers, perhaps be permitted to aid her improvement. I think I had +some slight influence over her. If it were fit that a social being +should waste feeling and affection in dreams, I could dream delightfully +of----' + +'Of what?' thought I, when I reached this provoking interruption,--and I +too began to dream. 'Does he still love me?' I asked myself. 'Can the +grave, wise Mr Maitland still remember the rosy cheek and the long black +eyelashes? Can he do no more than fly from his bane, but long after it +still?' In spite of the regulations under which I had laid my heart,--in +spite of the sorrow which weighed heavily upon it, the spirit of Ellen +Percy fluttered in it for a moment. 'But why should I smile at his +weakness, though I am myself exempt from that strange whim called love. +Yes, certainly, for ever exempt. I have not withstood Maitland to be won +by the monkey tricks and mawkish commonplace of ordinary men. "Power +over his happiness!" But for this strange coldness of heart, and my own +unpardonable folly, I might have made him happy. But that is all over +now. Now I can only wish and pray for his happiness. And if it be +necessary to his peace that he forget me, I will pray that he may. No +one heart on earth will then, indeed, beat warm to me; but the earth and +all that it contains will soon pass away.'--And I shed some tears either +over the transitory nature of all things here below, or over some +reflection not quite so well defined. + +Having perused the mutilated letter more than once, and finding my +curiosity rather stimulated than gratified by the perusal, I certainly +did not relax in the diligence with which I examined my friend's +repositories. But I could not discover one line from Mr Maitland of a +later date than six months before the death of Miss Mortimer; and I +recollected, that though she regularly received his letters, and +affected no mystery in regard to them, she never desired me to read +them, but often in my presence destroyed them with her own hand. For the +preservation of the fragment I seemed indebted to accident alone; and I +more than half suspected, that Mr Maitland's later correspondence had +purposely been concealed from the one who formed its principal subject. +I wondered at my friend's caution. 'Could she know me so little,' +thought I, 'as to fear that I should be infected by this folly of +Maitland's?--That I should be won by this involuntary second-hand sort +of courtship?--That I should be mean enough to like a man who in a +manner rejected me?' But whatever was the motive of Miss Mortimer's +caution, she had left no indication of Mr Maitland's present sentiments +towards me; nor any clue by which I could trace to him the source of my +unexpected wealth. + +Still I scarcely doubted, that I owed my three hundred pounds to the +generosity of Maitland, and I often thought of restoring the money to +him; since, considering the terms upon which we had parted, few things +could be more humiliating for me than to become a pensioner on his +bounty. But I was restrained from writing to him, by the fear that, as +possibly he had never intended to offer me such a gift, he might +consider my addressing him upon the subject as a mere device, to obtain +the renewal of an intercourse which he had voluntarily renounced. + +Besides, Miss Mortimer's bequest furnished my only means of discharging +another debt which had long occasioned me more mortification than I +could have suffered from any obligation to Mr Maitland. My degrading +debt to Lord Frederick was still unpaid; and my deliverance from +absolute and immediate want was less gratifying to me, than the power of +escaping from obligation to a wretch who had given proof of such +heartless selfishness. I, therefore, resolved to comply with my friend's +injunction to use without further enquiry the money which had so +providentially been placed within my reach; and the first purpose to +which it was devoted, was the repayment of Lord Frederick's loan, with +every shilling of interest to which law could have entitled him. The +remainder I could not help dividing with Miss Mortimer's old servant; as +the poor creature, who had grown grey in the family of my friend, had +been deprived of the bequest by which her mistress had intended to +acknowledge her services. The purchase of a few decencies which my own +wardrobe required, and the expense of a plain grave-stone to mark the +resting-place of the best of women, reduced my possessions to thirty +pounds. With this provision, which, small as it was, I owed to most +singular good fortune, I was obliged to quit the asylum which had +sheltered me from my bitterest sorrow, and had witnessed my most +substantial joys; the home which was endeared to me by the kindness of a +lost friend,--the birth-place of my better being,--the spot which was +hallowed by my first worship. + +It was on a stormy winter night, I remember it well, that I turned +weeping from the door of my only home. All day I had wandered through +the cottage; I had sat by my friend's death-bed, and laid my head upon +her pillow. I had placed her chair as she was wont to place it; had +realised her presence in every well known spot, and bidden her a +thousand and a thousand times farewell. When I left the house, the +closing door sounded as drearily as the earth which I had heard rattle +on her coffin. It seemed the signal, that I was shut out from all +familiar sights and sounds for ever. The storm that was beating on me +became, by a natural thought, the type of my after life; and when all +there seemed darkness, my mind wandered back to the sorrows of the +past. I recalled another time when the wide earth, which lodges and +supports her children of every various tribe, and opens at least in her +bosom a resting place for them all, contained no home for me. I +remembered a time when I had felt myself alone, though in the presence +of the universal Father,--destitute, in a world stored with his +bounty,--desolate, though Omnipotence was pledged to answer my cry. My +deliverance from this orphan state,--from this disastrous darkness, +rushed upon my mind. I thought upon the mighty transformation which had +gladdened the desert for me, and made the solitary place rejoice. The +cry of thanksgiving burst from my lips, although it died amidst the +storm. 'Oh Thou!' I exclaimed, 'who from pollution didst reclaim,--from +rebellion didst receive,--from despair didst revive me,--let but Thy +presence be with me; and let my path lead where it will!' + +As I passed the village churchyard, I turned to visit the grave of her +whom I had lost. The stone had been placed upon it since I had seen it +last; and I felt as if the performance of the last duty had made our +separation more complete. 'And is this all that I can do for thee, my +friend?' said I. 'Are all the kindly charities cut off between us for +ever? Hast thou, who wert so lately alive to the joys and the sorrows of +every living thing, no share in all that is done or suffered here? Hast +thou, who so lately wert my other soul, no feeling now that owns kindred +with any thought of mine?--Yes. On one theme, in one employment we can +sympathise still. We can still worship together.' Kneeling upon the +grave of my last earthly friend, I commended myself to a heavenly one, +and was comforted. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + _They hate to mingle in the filthy fray, + Where the soul sours, and gradual rancour grows + Imbittered more from peevish day to day._ + + Thomson. + + +Though I was no longer of a temper to reject the means of comfort which +still remained within my reach, or scornfully to repulse the mercies +both of God and man, I had accepted with reluctance the asylum offered +by the clergyman to whom Miss Mortimer had recommended me; for the +reserve which shrinks from obligation is one of the most unconquerable +forms of pride. Besides, though the Doctor's professional duties had +made me somewhat acquainted with him, his family were, even by +character, strangers to me. The state of Miss Mortimer's health had long +precluded us from paying or receiving visits; and my friend had none of +those habits of moral portrait-painting which seduce so many into +caricature. My reluctance to accept of the good man's hospitality had, +however, yielded partly to necessity, partly to the recollection that I +had once heard the 'Doctor's lady' called 'the cleverest woman in the +country.' For ability I had always entertained a high regard; which is +one of vanity's least bare-faced ways of claiming kindred with it. A +residence with persons of education and good manners was irresistible, +when the only alternative was an abode in a mean lodging, in which pride +or prudence would forbid me to receive even the few who still owned my +acquaintance. I had therefore consented to remain with Dr ---- till an +answer should arrive from the sister to whom he had written on my +behalf. + +Though I knew that I was expected at the parsonage on the evening when +I left Miss Mortimer's, I lingered long by the way. The spirit which, +for a moment, had raised me above my fate, could not tarry; and earthly +woes and earthly passions soon resumed their power. A feeling of +loneliness and neglect returned to weigh upon my heart; and when I +reached the gate within which I was about to seek a shelter, I stopped; +leant my head against it; and wept, as if I had never committed myself +to a Father's protection,--never exulted in a Father's care. I felt it +unkind that no one came to save me the embarrassment of introducing +myself; and perhaps even my pride would not have stooped to the effort, +had I not at last been accosted by my host; who excused himself for not +having come to escort me, by saying that he had been unavoidably engaged +in professional duty. He now welcomed me cordially; expressing a hope +that I should soon feel myself at home,--'that is,' continued he, 'as +soon as the exertions of my good woman will allow you.' + +To this odd proviso I could only answer, 'That I was afraid my visit +might put Mrs ---- to inconvenience.' + +'I wish that were possible, Miss Percy,' returned he; 'for then she +would be quite in her element.' + +By this time we had reached the door, and Dr ---- knocked loudly. No +answer came, though the sounds of busy feet were heard within, and +lights glanced swiftly across the windows. After another vigorous +assault upon the knocker, the door was opened by a panting maid-servant; +in time to exhibit the descent of my hostess from a stool which she had +mounted, as it appeared, to light a lamp that hung from the ceiling. +Snatching off a checked apron, which she threw into a corner, she +advanced to receive me. 'Miss Percy!' she cried, 'I am so glad to see +you!--Doctor, I had no notion you could have got back so soon;--and +indeed ma'am I am quite proud that you will accept of such +accommodations as--Lord bless me, girl! did ever any body see such a +candlestick?--This way ma'am, if you please,--To bring up a thing like +that before strangers!' + +During this miscellaneous oration, I had made my way into the parlour, +and taken possession of the first seat I could find. But this was too +natural an arrangement of things to satisfy my good hostess. 'Oh dear! +Miss Percy,' said she, 'you are quite in the way of the door,--pray take +this side; Doctor, can't you give Miss Percy that chair?' + +At last the turmoil of placing us was over; and the good lady was +compelled to be quiet for a little. The scenes which I had lately +witnessed, the sense of being a stranger in what was now my only home, +depressed my spirits; yet good manners inclined me to enter into +conversation with my hostess. I soon found, however, that this was, for +the present, out of the question; for though, under a sense of duty, she +frequently spoke to her guest, my replies evidently escaped her powers +of attention, these being occupied by certain sounds proceeding from the +kitchen. For a while she kept fidgeting upon her chair, looking +wistfully towards the door; her politeness maintaining doubtful strife +with her anxieties. At last a crash of crockery overcame her +self-denial, and she ran out of the room. + +Our ears were presently invaded by all the discords of wrath and hurry; +but the Doctor, who seemed accustomed to such tumults, quietly drew his +chair close to mine, and began to discuss the merits of a late +publication, repeating his remarks with immovable patience, as often as +they were lost in the din. At length, however, he was touched in a +tender point; for now an audible kick produced a howl from the old +house-dog. The Doctor started up, took three strides across the room, +wiped his forehead, and sat down again. 'I thank Heaven,' said he, 'that +the children are all in bed,'--and he went on with his criticism. + +Late came the supper; and with it mine hostess, looking 'unutterable +things.' She forced her mouth, however, into an incongruous smile, while +she apologised to me for her absence; but she was too full of her recent +disaster long to deny herself the comforts of complaint and condolence. +'I hope, Miss Percy, you will try to eat a little bit of supper; though +to be sure it is a pretty supper indeed for one who has been accustomed +as you have been!' + +The looks of the speaker showed me that this speech was less intended +for me than for the poor girl who waited at table. 'I assure you, madam, +the supper is much better than any I ever was accustomed to. I never +exceed a biscuit or a jelly.' + +'Oh you are very good to say so; but I am sure,--and then to have it +served upon such mean-looking, nasty old cracked rubbish,--but I hope +you'll excuse it, ma'am; for Kitty there has thought fit to break no +less than three dozen of our blue china supper-set at one crash.' + +'That is a great pity.' + +'Pity! I declare my patience is quite worn out.' + +'We have reason to be thankful,' said the Doctor, 'that she did the +thing at once; it puts you into only one fury, instead of three dozen. +The treatise we were talking of, Miss Percy----' + +'Mercy upon me!' interrupted the lady, 'there is no salt in this +stuffing!' + +'I say the author appears to me to reason upon false premises when----' + +'Hand the sauce to Miss Percy, do, that she may have something to +flavour that tasteless mess.' + +The poor fluttered girl, in her haste to obey, dropped the sauce-boat +into my lap. 'Heaven preserve me!' exclaimed the lady; 'she has finished +your new sarcenet gown, I declare.--Well! if you an't enough to drive +one distracted!' + +In vain did I protest that the gown was very little injured;--in vain +did I represent that the poor girl was unavoidably fluttered by her +former misdemeanour; peace was not re-established till the close of +supper allowed the delinquent to retire. Mrs ---- then seemed to collect +her thoughts, and to recollect the propriety of conversing with her +guest. 'It must have been very hard upon poor Miss Mortimer,' said she, +'to be so long confined, and all the affairs of her family at sixes and +sevens all the while. To be sure, I dare say you would spare no trouble; +but, after all, there is nothing like the eye of a mistress.' + +Shocked as I was at this careless mention of my friend, I forced myself +to answer; 'Miss Mortimer's method was so regular that I never could +perceive where any trouble was necessary.' + +'That might be the case in Miss Mortimer's family. For my part I have +hard enough work with mine from morning to night. I really can't +conceive how people get on, who take matters so easily. To be sure there +must be great waste; but some people can afford that better than +others.' + +'There was no waste in Miss Mortimer's family, madam,' answered I, my +spirit rising at this reflection on my friend, 'not even a waste of +power.' + +I repented of this taunt almost the moment it was uttered. But it was +lost upon my hostess; who went on to demonstrate, that, without her +ceaseless intervention, disorder and ruin must ensue. 'Miss Percy', said +the Doctor gravely, 'are you satisfied with the order of pins in +ordinary paper; or do you purchase the pins wholesale, that you may +arrange them more correctly for yourself?' + +'Oh, none of your gibes, Dr ----; you know very well I don't spend my +time in sticking pins, or any such trifles. I have work enough, and more +than enough, in attending to your family.' + +'Ay, my dear,--and fortunate it is that all your industry has taken that +turn, for you can never be industrious by proxy; you can work with no +hands but your own.' + +It was now the hour of rest; or, more properly speaking, it was bedtime; +for I was disturbed by the bustle of the household long after I had +retired to a chamber, finical enough to keep me in mind that it was the +'stranger's room.' With a sigh, I remembered the quiet shelter I had +lost, and that true hospitality which never once reminded me, even by +officious cares, that I was a stranger. I hoped, however, that the +turmoil occasioned by my arrival, and the destruction of the blue +supper-set being over, peace might be restored in the family; and the +calm of the following morning be the sweeter for the hurricane of the +night. But the tumult of the evening was a lulling murmur to the full +chorus of busy morn. Ringing, trampling, scraping, knocking, scrubbing, +and all the clatter of housewifery, were mingled with the squalls of +children, and the clang of chastisement; and above all swelled my +landlady's tones, in every variety of exhortation and impatience. + +In short, Mrs ---- was one of those who could not be satisfied with +putting the machine in motion, unless she watched and impelled the +action of every wheel and pivot. The interference was of course more +productive of derangement than of despatch. Besides, by taking upon +herself all the business of the maids, my hostess necessarily neglected +that of the mistress; the consequence of which was general confusion and +discomfort. Few can be so ignorant of human nature as to wonder that I +endured the petty miseries to which I was thus subjected with less +patience than I had lately shown under real misfortune. A little +religion will suffice to produce acts of resignation, when events have +tinctured the mind with their own solemnity, or when, 'by the sadness of +the countenance the heart is,' for a time, 'made better;' but Christian +patience finds exercise on a thousand occasions, when the dignity of her +name would be misapplied; and I had yet much to gain of that heavenly +temper, which extends its influence to lesser actions and lesser +foibles. A few hours served to make me completely weary of my new abode; +and I anxiously wished for the summons which was to transfer me to +another. Dr ---- assured me that his sister would lose no time in +endeavouring to serve me; and I was determined to accept of any +situation which she should propose. + +Mrs Murray, the lady to whose patronage I had been recommended, was the +wife of a naval officer. Captain Murray was then at sea; and she, with +her son and daughter, resided in Edinburgh. Far from being averse to +follow my fortunes in this distant quarter, I preferred a residence +where I was wholly unknown. The friendship of Mr Sidney procured for me +the offer of an eligible situation in town; but I was predetermined +against hazarding the humiliations to which such a situation must have +exposed me. The wisdom of this resolution, I must own, would not bear +examination, and therefore I was never examined; for I retained too much +adroitness in self-deceit to let prudence fairly contest the point with +pride. I was destined to pay the penalty of my choice, and to illustrate +the invariable sequence of a 'haughty spirit' and a 'fall.' + +The expected letter at length arrived; and I thought myself fortunate +beyond my hopes, when I found that Mrs Murray was inclined to receive me +into her own family. My knowledge of music, particularly my skill in +playing on the harp, had recommended me as a teacher in a country which +pays for her fruitfulness in poetry by a singular sterility in the other +fine arts. Mrs Murray enquired upon what terms I would undertake the +tuition of her daughter; and seemed only fearful that my demands might +exceed her powers. After the receipt of her letter I was most eager to +depart. To terms I was utterly indifferent. All I wanted was quiet, and +an asylum which inferred no obligation to strangers. It is true, that my +hostess often assured me of the pleasure she received from my visit; but +my presence evidently occasioned such an infinity of trouble, that, if +her assurances were sincere, she must have been filled with more than +the spirit of martyrdom in my service. I was too impatient to be gone to +wait the formal arrangement of my engagement with Mrs Murray. I +instantly wrote to commit the terms of it entirely to herself; and then +took measures to obtain my immediate conveyance to Scotland. + +A journey by land was too expensive to be thought of; I therefore +secured my passage in a merchant vessel. It was in vain that Dr ---- +advised me to wait further instructions from his sister; in hopes +that she might suggest a more eligible mode of travelling, or at least +give me notice that she was prepared for my reception. My dislike of my +present abode, my restlessness under a sense of obligation to such a +person as Mrs ----, prevailed against his counsels. In vain did he +represent the discomforts of a voyage at such a season of the year. I +was not more habitually impatient of present evil than fearless of that +which was yet to come. In short, after a little more than a week's +residence at the parsonage, I insisted upon making my début as a sailor +in the auspicious month of February, and committing myself, at that +stormy season, to an element which as yet I knew only from description. + +Dr ---- and Mr Sidney accompanied me to the vessel; and I own I began to +repent of my obstinacy, when they bade me farewell. As I saw their boat +glide from the vessel's side, and answered their parting signals, and +saw first the known features, then the forms, then the little bark +itself, fade from my sight, I wept over the rashness which had exiled me +among strangers; and coveted the humblest station cheered by the face of +friend or kinsman. The wind blowing strong and cold soon obliged me to +leave the deck; and, when I entered the close airless den in which I was +to be imprisoned with fourteen fellow-sufferers, I cordially wished +myself once more under the restraint imposed by nice arrangement and +finical decoration. + +I was soon obliged to retreat to a bed, compared with which the worst I +had ever occupied was the very couch of luxury. 'It must be owned,' +thought I, 'that a sea voyage affords good lessons for a fine lady.' +Sleep was out of the question. I was stunned with such variety of noise +as made me heartily regret the quiet of the parsonage. The rattling of +the cordage, the lashing of the waves, the heavy measured tread, the +tuneless song repeated without end, interrupted only by the sudden +dissonant call, and then begun again,--these, besides a hundred +inexplicable disturbances, continued day and night. To these was soon +added another, which attacked my quiet through other mediums than my +senses, the ship sprung a leak, and the pumps were worked without +intermission. + +Meanwhile the wind rose to what I thought a hurricane; and, among us +passengers, whose ignorance probably magnified the danger, all was alarm +and dismay. A general fit of piety bespoke the general dread; and they +who had before been chiefly intent upon establishing their importance +with their fellow-travellers, seemed now feelingly convinced of their +own dependence and insignificancy. For my part, I prepared for death +with much greater resignation than I had found to bestow upon the +previous evils of my voyage;--not surely that it is easier to resign +life than to submit to a few inconveniences,--but that I had a tendency +to treat my religion like one of the fabled divinities, who are not to +be called into action except upon worthy occasions; whereas, it is +indeed her agency in matters of ordinary occurrence that shows her true +power and value. I am much mistaken, if it be not easier to die like a +martyr than to live like a Christian; and if the glory of our faith be +not better displayed in a life of meekness, humility, and self-denial, +than even in a death of triumph. I am sure the question would not bear +dispute, if all mankind were unhappily born with feelings as lively, and +passions as strong as mine. Whether my faith would have been equal even +to what I account the lesser victory, remains to be proved; for, on the +second day, the gale abated, and, from our heart-sinking prison we were +once more released, to breathe the fresh breeze which now blew from the +near coast of Holland. + +The bloody conflict was then only beginning which has won for my country +such imperishable honours. At Rotterdam we could then find safety, and +the means of refitting our crazy vessel, so far as was necessary for the +completion of our voyage. It will readily be believed, that those of our +company who were least accustomed to brave the ocean were eager to tread +the steady earth once more. We all went on shore; and I, wholly ignorant +of all methods of economy in a situation so new to me, took up my abode +in a comfortable hotel; where I remained during the week which elapsed +before we were able to proceed upon our voyage. At the end of that time, +I discovered, with surprise and consternation, that my wealth had +diminished to little more than ten guineas. I comforted myself, however, +by recollecting, that once under the protection of Mrs Murray I should +have little occasion for money; and that a few shillings were all the +expense which I was likely to incur before I was safely lodged in my new +home. + +The remainder of the voyage was prosperous; and in little more than a +fortnight after my first embarkation, I found myself seated in the +hackney-coach which was to convey me from the harbour to Edinburgh. Not +even the beauty and singularity of this romantic town could divert my +imagination from the person upon whom I expected so much of my future +happiness to depend. I anticipated the character, the manners, the +appearance, the very attire of Mrs Murray; imagined the circumstances of +my introduction, and planned the general form of our future intercourse. +'Oh that she may be one whom I can love, and love safely,' thought I; +'one endowed with somewhat of the spirit of her whom I have lost!' My +intercourse with the world, perhaps my examination of my own heart, had +destroyed much of my fearless confidence in every thing that bore the +human form; and now my spirits sunk, as I recollected how small was my +chance of finding another Miss Mortimer. + +A sudden twilight was closing as I entered the street of dull +magnificence, in which stood the dwelling of my patroness. Though in the +midst of a large city, all seemed still and forsaken. The bustle of +business or amusement was silent here. Single carriages, passing now and +then at long intervals, sounded through the vacant street till the noise +died in the distance. The busy multitudes whom I was accustomed to +associate with the idea of a city had retired to their homes; and I +envied them who could so retire,--who could enter the sanctuary of their +own roof, sit in their own accustomed seat, hear the familiar voice, and +grasp the hand that had ten thousand times returned the pressure. + +All around me strengthened the feelings of loneliness which are so apt +to visit the heart of a stranger; and I anxiously looked from the +carriage to descry the only spot in which I would claim an interest. The +coach stopped at the door of a large house, handsome indeed, but more +dark, I thought, and dismal if possible than the rest. I scarcely +breathed till my summons was answered; nor was it without an effort that +I enquired whether Mrs Murray was at home? + +'No, madam,' was the answer; 'she has been gone this fortnight.' + +'Gone! Good heavens! Whither?' + +'To Portsmouth, madam. As soon as the news came of the Captain's coming +in wounded, Mrs Murray and Miss Arabella set out immediately.' + +'And did she leave no letter for me? No instructions?' + +The servant's answer convinced me that my arrival was even wholly +unexpected. Struck with severe disappointment, overwhelmed with a sense +of utter desertedness, my spirits failed; and I sunk back into the +carriage faint and forlorn. + +'Do you alight here ma'am?' enquired the coachman. + +'No!' answered I, scarcely knowing what I said. + +'Where do you go next?' asked the man. + +I replied only by a bitter passion of tears. 'Alas!' thought I, 'I once, +in the mere wilfulness of despair, rejected the blessings of a home and +a friend. How righteous is the retribution which leaves me now homeless +and friendless!' + +'Perhaps, ma'am,' said the servant, seemingly touched by my distress, +'Mrs Murray may have left some message with Mr Henry for you.' + +'Mr Henry!' cried I; 'is Mrs Murray's son here?' + +'Yes, ma'am. Mr Henry staid to finish his classes in the college. He is +not at home just now; but I expect him every minute. Will you please to +come in and rest a little?' + +With this invitation I thought it best to comply; and dismissing the +coach, followed the servant into the house. I was shown into a handsome +parlour, where the cheerful blaze of a Scotch coal fire gave light +enough to show that all was elegance and comfort. My buoyant heart rose +again; and, not considering how improbable it was that my patroness +should commit a girl of eighteen to the guardianship of a youth little +above the same age, I began to hope that Mrs Murray had given her son +directions to receive me. In this hope I sat waiting his return; now +listening for his approach; now trying to conjecture what instructions +he would bring me; now beguiling the time with the books which were +scattered round the room. + +Though some of these were works of general literature, there was +sufficient peculiarity in the selection, to show that the young student +was intended for the bar. Indeed, before he arrived, I had formed, from +a view of the family apartment, a tolerable guess of the habits and +pursuits of its owners. Open upon a sofa was a pocket Tibullus; within a +Dictionary of Decisions lay a well-read first volume of the Nouvelle +Eloise. Then there were Le Vaillant's Travels; Erskine's Institutes; and +a Vindication of Queen Mary. 'If the young lawyer has not disposed of +his heart already, I shall be too pretty for my place,' thought I: 'and +now for my patroness!' The card-racks contained some twenty visiting +tickets, upon which the same matronly names were repeated at least four +times. A large work-bag, which hung near the great chair, was too well +stuffed to close over a half-knitted stocking, and a prayer-book, which +opened of itself at the prayer for those who travel by sea. My +imagination instantly pictured a faded, serious countenance, with that +air of tender abstraction which belongs to those whose thoughts are +fixed upon the absent and the dear. Miss Arabella's magnificent harp +stood in a window, and her likeness in the act of dancing a hornpipe +hung over the chimney; her music-stand was loaded with easy sonatas and +Scotch songs; and her portfolio was bursting with a humble progression +of water-colour drawings. + +My conjectures were interrupted by a loud larum at the house-door, which +announced the return of my young host. My heart beat anxiously. I +started from the sofa like one who felt no right to be seated there; and +sat down again, because I felt myself awkward when standing. I thought I +heard the servant announce my arrival to his master as he passed through +the lobby; and after a few questions asked and answered in an under +voice, the young man entered the parlour with a countenance which +plainly said, 'What in the world am I to do with the creature?' As I +rose to receive him, however, I saw this expression give place to +another. Strong astonishment was pictured in his face, then yielded +again to the glow of youthful complacency and admiration. + +On my part I was little less struck with my student's exterior, than he +appeared to be with mine. Instead of the awkward, mawkish school-boy +whom I had fancied, he was a tall, elegant young man, with large +sentimental black eyes, and a clear brown complexion, whose paleness +repaid in interest whatever it subtracted from the youthfulness of his +appearance. + +I was the first to speak. Having expressed my regret at Mrs Murray's +absence, and the cause of it, I begged to know whether she had left any +commands for me. Murray replied, that he believed his mother had written +to me before her departure; and that she had hoped her letter might +reach me in time to delay my journey to a milder season. + +'Unfortunately,' said I, 'most unfortunately, I had set out before that +letter arrived.' + +'Excuse me,' returned my companion, with polite vivacity, 'if I cannot +call any accident unfortunate which has procured me this pleasure.' I +could answer this civility only by a gesture, for my heart was full. I +saw that I had no claim to my present shelter; and other place of refuge +I had none. Oh how did I repent the self-will which had reduced me to so +cruel a dilemma! 'In a few weeks at farthest,' continued Mr Murray, 'my +father will be able to travel; and then I am certain my mother will +bring Arabella home immediately.' + +Still I could make no reply. 'A few weeks!' thought I, 'what is to +become of me even for one week, even for one night!' Tears were +struggling for vent; but to have yielded to my weakness, would have +seemed like an appeal to compassion; and the moment this thought +occurred, the necessary effort was made. I rose, and requested that Mr +Murray would allow his servant to procure a carriage for me, and direct +me to some place where I could find respectable accommodation. + +To this proposal Murray warmly objected. 'I hope,--I beg Miss Percy,' +said he eagerly, 'you will not think of leaving my mother's house +to-night. Though she has been obliged to refuse herself the pleasure of +receiving you, I know she would be deeply mortified to find that you +would not remain, even for one night, under her roof.' + +I made my acknowledgments for his invitation; but said, I had neither +title nor desire to intrude upon any part of Mrs Murray's family, and +renewed my request. Murray persevered in urgent and respectful +entreaties. They were so well seconded by the lateness of the hour, for +it was now near ten o'clock, and by the contrast of the comfort within +doors, with the storm which was raging abroad, that my scruples began to +give way; and the first symptom of concession was so eagerly seized, +that, before I had leisure to consider of proprieties, my young host had +ordered his mother's bedchamber to be prepared for my reception. + +This arrangement made, he turned the conversation to general topics, and +amused me very agreeably till we separated for the night. I know not if +ever I had offered up more hearty thanksgivings for shelter and security +than I did in that evening's prayer; so naturally do we reserve our +chief gratitude for blessings of precarious tenure. But I omitted my +self-examination that night; either because I was worn out and languid, +or because I was half conscious of having done what prudence would not +justify. + +I slept soundly, however, and awoke in revived spirits. My host renewed +all his attentions. We conversed, in a manner very interesting to +ourselves, of public places, of the last new novel; and this naturally +led us into the labyrinths of the human heart, and the mysteries of the +tender passion. Then I played on the harp, which threw my young lawyer +into raptures; then I sung, which drew tears into the large black eyes. +In short, the forenoon was pretty far advanced before my student +recollected that he had missed his law-class by two hours. + +All this was the effect of mere thoughtlessness; for I was guiltless of +all design upon Murray's affections, or even upon his admiration. I now, +however, suddenly recollected myself, and renewed my enquiries for some +eligible abode; but Murray, with more warmth than ever, objected to my +removal. He laboured to convince me that his mother's house, for so he +dexterously called it, was the most eligible residence for me, at least +till I should learn how Mrs Murray wished me to act. Finding me a little +hard of conviction, he proposed a new expedient. He offered to call upon +a sister of his father's, and to obtain for me her advice or assistance. +Most cordially did I thank him for this proposal, and urged him to +execute it instantly. He lingered, however, and endeavoured to escape +the subject; and when I persisted in pressing it, he fairly owned his +unwillingness to perform his promise. 'If Mrs St Clare should wile you +away from me,' said he with a very Arcadian sigh, 'how will you ever +repay me for such self-devotion?' + +'With an old song,' answered I gaily; 'payment enough for such a +sacrifice.' But I registered the sigh notwithstanding. 'Touched +already!' thought I. 'So much for Tibullus and the Nouvelle Eloise!' + +At last I drove him away; but he soon returned, and told me he had not +found Mrs St Clare at home. I made him promise to renew his attempt in +the evening, and proposed meanwhile to write to Mrs Murray an account of +my situation. My companion at first made no objection; but afterwards +discovered that it was almost too late to overtake that day's post, and +offered to save time, by mentioning the matter in the postscript of a +letter which he had already written. I consented; but afterwards obliged +him to tell me, rather unwillingly, in what terms he had put his +communication. + +'From the way in which you have written,' said I, when he had ended, +'Mrs Murray will never discover that I am residing in her house. Were it +not better to say distinctly that I am here?' + +I looked at my young lawyer as I spoke, and saw him blush very deeply. +He hesitated too; and stammered while he answered, 'that it was +unnecessary, since his mother could not suppose me to reside anywhere +else.' + +The full impropriety of my situation flashed upon me at once. Murray +evidently felt that there was something in it which he was unwilling to +submit to the judgment of his mother. My delicacy, or rather perhaps my +pride, thus alarmed, my resolution was taken in a moment; but as I could +not well avow the grounds of my determination, I retired in silence to +make what little preparation was necessary for my immediate departure. + +If my purpose had wanted confirmation, it would have been confirmed by a +dialogue which I accidentally overheard, between Murray and a youth who +just then called for him. My host seemed pressing his friend to return +to supper. 'Do come,' said he, 'and I will show you an angel--the +loveliest girl----'--'Where? in this house?'--'Yes, my sister's +governess.'--'Left to keep house for you? Eh? a good judicious +arrangement, faith.'--'Hush--I assure you her manners are as correct as +her person is beautiful;--such elegance,--such modest vivacity,--and +then she sings! Oh, Harry, if you did but hear her sing!'--'Well I +believe I must come and take a look of this wonder.'--'The wonder,' +thought I, 'shall not be made a spectacle to idle boys,--nor remain in a +situation of which even they can see the impropriety.' I rang for the +housemaid; and putting half-a-guinea into her hand, requested that she +would direct me to reputable lodgings, and procure a hackney-coach to +convey me thither. Both of these services she performed without delay; +meanwhile, I went to take leave of my young host. + +He heard of my intention with manifest discomposure, and exerted all his +eloquence to shake my purpose; entreating me at least to remain with him +till he had seen Mrs St Clare; but I was more disposed to anger than to +acquiescence, when I recollected that all his entreaties were intended +to make me do what he himself felt to need disguise or apology. Finding +me resolute, he next begged to know where he might bring Mrs St Clare to +wait upon me; but suspecting that my apartments might not be such as I +chose to exhibit, I declined this favour. I took, however, the lady's +address, meaning to avail myself of her assistance in procuring +employment. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + _Lend me thy clarion, goddess! Let me try + To sound the praise of merit ere it dies; + Such as I oft have chanced to espy, + Lost in the dreary shades of dull obscurity._ + + Shenstone. + + +With a feeling of dignity and independence which had forsaken me in my +more splendid abode, I took possession of an apartment contrived to +serve the double purposes of parlour and bedchamber. 'I have done +right,' thought I, 'whatever be the consequences; and these are in the +hands of One who has given me the strongest pledge that he will +over-rule them for my advantage.' Yet, alas for my folly! I was almost +the next moment visited by the fear, that the advantage might not be +palpable to present observation, and that it might belong more to my +improvement than to my convenience. + +I now felt no reluctance to address Mrs Murray; and to enquire whether +it were still her wish to receive me into her family. One circumstance +alone embarrassed me; I plainly perceived, that I had already made such +an impression upon Henry, as his mother was not likely to approve; and +it seemed dishonourable to owe my admission into her family to her +ignorance of that which she would probably deem sufficient reason to +exclude me. I knew the world, indeed, too well, to expect that the +passion of a youth of twenty, for a girl with a fortune of nine pounds +three shillings, was itself likely to be either serious or lasting; but +its consequences might be both, if it relaxed industry, or destroyed +cheerfulness, darkening the sunny morning with untimely shade. + +But how could I forewarn my patroness of her danger? Could I tell her, +not only that one day's acquaintance with her son had sufficed me to +make the conquest, but, which was still less _selon les règles_, to +discover that I had made it? I dared not brave the smile which would +have avenged such an absurdity. After some consideration, I took my +resolution. I determined to introduce myself the next day to Mrs St +Clare, who, I imagined, would not long leave her sister-in-law in +ignorance of my personal attractions; for I have often observed, that we +ladies, while we grudge to a beauty the admiration and praise of the +other sex, generally make her amends by the sincerity and profuseness of +our own. + +'And if her description alarm Mrs Murray,' thought I; 'if it deter her +from admitting me under the roof with her son, what then is to become of +me?--What will my pretty features do for me then?--What have they ever +done for me, except to fill my ears with flatteries, and my mind with +conceit, and the hearts of others with envy and malice. Maitland, +indeed,--but no--it was not my face that Maitland loved. Rather to the +pride of beauty I owe that wretched spirit of coquetry by which I lost +him. And now this luckless gift may deprive me of respectable protection +and subsistence. Surely I shall at last be cured of my value for a +bauble so mischievous--so full of temptation--so incapable of +ministering either to the glory of God or the good of man!' Ah, how easy +it is to despise baubles while musing by fire-light in a solitary +chamber! + +The evening passed in solitude, but not in weariness; for I was not +idle. I spent the time in writing to Mrs Murray, and in giving to my +friend Dr ---- an account of my voyage, and of my disappointment. The +hour soon came which I now habitually devoted to the invitation of +better thoughts, the performance of higher duties; and thanks be to +Heaven, that neither human converse, nor human protection, nor ought +else that the worldly can enjoy or value, is necessary to the comfort of +that hour! + +The next day Murray came early, under pretence of enquiring how I was +satisfied with my accommodation; and I was pleased that the mission +which he had undertaken to Mrs St Clare, gave me a pretext for being +glad to see him. I know not what excuse he could make for a visit of +three hours long; but my plea for permitting it was the impossibility of +ordering him away. He left me, however, at last; and, more convinced +than ever that his mother would do well to dispense with my services, I +went to present myself to Mrs St Clare. + +Arrived at her house, I was ushered into the presence of a tall, +elderly, hard-favoured gentlewoman; who, seated most perpendicularly on +a great chair, was employed in working open stitches on a French lawn +apron. I cannot say that her exterior was much calculated to dispel the +reserve of a stranger. Her figure might have served to illustrate all +the doctrines of the acute angle. Her countenance was an apt epitome of +the face of her native land;--rough with deep furrow and uncouth +prominence, and grim with one dusky uniformity of hue. As I entered, +this erect personage rose from her seat, and, therefore, almost +necessarily advanced one step to meet me. I offered some apology for my +intrusion. From a certain rustle of her stiff lutestring gown, I guessed +that the lady made some gesture of courtesy, though I cannot pretend +that I saw the fact. + +'Mr Murray, I believe, has been so good as to mention me,' said I. + +The lady looked towards a chair; and this I was obliged to accept as an +invitation to sit down. + +'I have been particularly unfortunate in missing Mrs Murray,' said I. + +'Hum!' returned the lady, with a scarcely perceptible nod; and a pause +followed. + +'She left Scotland very unexpectedly.' + +'Very unexpectedly.' + +Another pause. + +'I happened unluckily to have begun my journey before I learnt that it +was unnecessary.' + +'That was a pity.' + +'I hope she is not likely to be long absent?' + +'Indeed there is no saying.' + +'Perhaps she may not choose that I should wait her return?' + +'Really I can't tell.' + +Until this hour, I had never known what it was to shrink before the +repulse of frozen reserve; for the cordiality which had once been +obtained for me by the gifts of nature or of fortune had of late been +secured to me by partial affection and Christian benevolence. My temper +began to rebel; but struggles with my temper were now habitual with me. +I drew a long breath, and renewed my animating dialogue. 'May I ask +whether, in case Mrs Murray should not want my services, you think I am +likely to find employment here as a governess?' + +'Indeed I don't know. Few people like to take entire strangers into +their families.' + +'The same recommendation which introduced me to Mrs Murray, I can still +command.' + +'Hum.' + +A long silence followed, for I had another conflict with my temper; but +I was fully victorious before I spoke again. + +'I am afraid, madam,' said I, 'that you will not think me entitled to +use Mrs Murray's name with you so far as to beg that, upon her account, +if you should hear of any situation in which I can be useful, you will +have the goodness to recollect me.' + +'It is not likely, Miss Percy, that I should hear of any thing to suit +you. At any rate, I make it a rule never to interfere in people's +domestic arrangements.' + +My patience now quite exhausted, I took my leave with an air, I fear, +not less ungracious than that of my hostess; and pursued my lonely way +homewards, fully inclined to defer the revolting task of soliciting +employment, till I should ascertain that Mrs Murray's plans made it +indispensable. + +How often, as I passed along the street, did I start, as my eye caught +some slight resemblance to a known face, and sigh over the futility of +my momentary hope! He who in the wildest nook of earth possesses one +friend 'to whom he may tell that solitude is sweet,' knows not how +cheerless it is to enter a home drearily secure from the intrusion of a +friend. Yet, having now abundance of leisure for reflection, I should +have been inexcusable, if I had made no use of this advantage; and if, +in the single point of conduct which seemed left to my decision, I had +acted with imprudence. There was evident impropriety in Murray's visits. +To encourage his boyish admiration would have been cruel to him, +ungenerous towards Mrs Murray, and incautious with respect to myself. It +was hard, indeed, to resign the only social pleasure within my reach; +but was pleasure to be deliberately purchased at the hazard of causing +disquiet to the parent, and rebellion in the son? and this too by one +engaged to exercise self-denial as the mere instrument of self-command? +I peremptorily renounced the company of my young admirer; and whoever +would know what this effort cost me, must reject earnest entreaty, and +resist sorrowful upbraiding, and listen to a farewell which is the known +prelude to utter solitude. + +A dull unvaried week passed away, during which I never went abroad +except to church. My landlady, indeed, insisted, that even women of +condition might with safety and decorum traverse her native city +unattended; and pointed out from my window persons whom she averred to +be of that description; but the assured gait and gaudy attire of these +ladies made me suspect that she was rather unfortunate in her choice of +instances. At last, in a mere weariness of confinement, I one day +consented to accompany her abroad. + +We passed the singular bridge which delighted me with the strangely +varied prospect of antique grandeur and modern regularity,--of a city +cleft into a noble vista towards naked rock and cultivated plain,--seas +busy with commerce, and mountains that shelter distant solitudes. I +could scarcely be dragged away from this interesting spot; but my +landlady, to whom it offered nothing new, was, soon after leaving it, +much more attracted by a little scarlet flag, upon which was printed in +large letters, 'A rouping in here.' This she told me announced a sale of +household furniture, which she expressed much curiosity to see; and I +suffered her to conduct me down a lane, or rather passage, so narrow as +to afford us scarcely room to walk abreast, or light enough to guide us +through the filth that encumbered our way. A second notice directed us +to ascend a dark winding staircase; leading, as I afterwards learned, to +the abodes of about thirty families. We had climbed, I think, about as +high as the whispering gallery of St Paul's, when our progress was +arrested by the crowd which the auction had attracted to one of the +several compartments into which each floor seemed divided. I recoiled +from joining a party apparently composed of the lowest orders of +mankind. But my companion averring that in such places she could often +make a good bargain, elbowed her way into the scene of action. + +While I hesitated whether to follow her, my attention was caught by the +beauty of a child, who now half hiding his rosy face on the shoulder of +his mother, cast a sidelong glance on the strangers, and now ventured to +take a more direct view; while she, regardless of the objects of his +curiosity, stood leaning her forehead against the wall in an attitude of +quiet dejection. I watched her for a few moments, and saw the tears +trickle from her face. So venerable is unobtrusive sorrow, that I could +with more ease have accosted a duchess than this poor woman, though her +dress denoted her to be one of those upon whom has fallen a double +portion of the primeval curse. Her distress, however, did not seem so +awe-inspiring to her equals; for one of them presently approaching, gave +her a smart slap upon the shoulder, and, in a tone between pity and +reproach, enquired, 'what ailed her?' The poor woman looked up, wiped +the tears from her eyes, and faintly tried to smile. 'There is not much +ails me,' said she; but the words were scarcely articulate. + +'Many a one has been rouped out before now,' said the other. + +The reflection was ill-timed; for my poor woman covered her face with +her apron, and burst into a violent fit of sobbing. I had now found a +person of whom I could more freely ask questions, which, indeed, all +seemed eager to answer; and I quickly discovered that Cecil Graham, for +so my mourner was called, was the wife of a soldier, whom the first and +firmest sentiment of a Highlander had lured from his native glen to +follow the banner of his chieftain; that when his regiment had been +ordered abroad, she had unwillingly been left behind; that, in the +decent abode which Highland frugality had procured for her, she had, by +her labour, supported herself and two children; but that, on the night +before her rent became due, she had been robbed of the little deposit +which was meant to pay it; and that her landlord, after some months of +vain delay, had availed himself of his right over the property of his +debtor. + +'And will he,' cried I, touched with a fellow-feeling, 'will he drive +this poor young woman abroad among strangers! without a home or a +friend! God forgive him.' + +'I do not want for friends, and good friends, madam,' said the +Highlander, in the strong accent of her country, but with far less of +its peculiar pronunciation than disguised the language of her +companions; 'all the streams of Benarde canna' wash my blood from the +laird's himsel'.' + +'What laird?' enquired I, smiling at the metaphorical language of my new +acquaintance. 'Eredine himsel', lady; his grandfather and my +great-grandmother were sister and brother childer:' meaning, as I +afterwards found, that these ancestors were cousins. + +'And will the laird do nothing for his relation?' said I. + +'That's what _he_ would, madam, and that indeed would _he_,' returned +Cecil, laying an odd emphasis upon the pronoun, and gesticulating with +great solemnity. 'He's no' the man to take the child out of the cradle +and put out the smoke.' + +'Why do you not apply to him then?' + +'Indeed lady I'm no' going to trouble the laird. You see he might think +that I judged he was like bound to uphold me and mine, because Jemmy was +away wi' Mr Kenneth, ye see.' + +'What then will you do? Will you allow yourself to be stripped of all?' + +'If I could make my way home, lady,' returned the Highlander, 'I should +do well enough;--we must not expect to be always full-handed. What I +think the most upon is, that they should sell the bit cloth that mysel' +span to row us in.' + +'To roll you in!' repeated I, utterly unable to guess what constituted +the peculiar value of this bit of cloth. + +'Ay,' returned Cecil, 'to wind Jemmy and me in, with your leave, when we +are at our rest; and a bonnier bit linen ye could na' see. The like of +yoursel' might have lain in it, lady, or Miss Graham hersel'.' + +I could scarcely help smiling at the tears which poor Cecil was now +shedding over the loss of this strange luxury; and looked up to find +some trace of folly in the countenance of one who, robbed of all her +worldly possessions, bestowed her largest regrets upon a fine +winding-sheet. But no trace of folly was there. The cool sagacity, +indicated by the clear broad forehead and the distinct low-set eyebrow, +was enlivened by the sparkle of a quick black eye; and her firm sharply +chiseled face, though disfigured by its national latitude of cheek, +presented a strong contrast to the dull vulgarity of feature which +surrounded her. When my examination was closed, I enquired how far +distant was the home of which she had spoken. + +'Did you ever hear of a place they call Glen Eredine?' said Cecil, +answering my question by another. 'It is like a hundred miles and a bit, +west and north from this.' + +'And how do you propose to travel so far at such a season?' + +'If it be the will of the Best, I must just ask a morsel, with your +leave, upon the way. I'll not have much to carry--only the infant on my +breast, and a pickle snuff I have gathered for my mother. This one is a +stout lad-bairn--God save him[1]; he'll walk on's feet a bit now and +then.' + +Though my English feelings revolted from the ease with which my +Highlander condescended to begging, I could not help admiring the +fortitude with which this young creature, for she did not seem above +two-and-twenty, looked forward to a journey over frozen mountains, and +lonely wilds; which she must traverse on foot, encumbered by two +infants, and exposed to the rigour of a stormy season. I stood pondering +the means of preventing these evils; and at last asked her 'whether the +parish would not bestow somewhat towards procuring her a conveyance?' + +'What's your will?' said Cecil, as if she did not quite comprehend me; +though at the same time. I saw her redden deeply. + +Thinking she had misunderstood me, I varied the terms of my question. + +Cecil's eyes flashed fire. 'The poor's box!' said she, breathing short +from the effort to suppress her indignation, 'Good troth, there's nobody +needs _even_ me to the like. The parish, indeed! No, no, we have come to +much; but we have no come to that yet:' she paused, and tears rose to +her eyes. 'My dear dog[2],' said she, caressing her little boy, 'ye +shall want both house and hauld before your mother cast shame upon ye; +and your father so far away.' + +Confounded at the emotion which I had unwittingly occasioned, I +apologised as well as I was able, assuring her that I had not the least +intention to offend; and that in my country, persons of the most +respectable character accounted it no discredit to accept of parish aid. +At last I partly succeeded in pacifying my Highlander. 'To be sure,' +said she, 'every place must have its _oun_ fashion, and it may come easy +enough to the like of _them_; but its no' to be thought that people +that's come of respected gentles will go to _demean_ themselves and all +that belongs them.' + +I was acknowledging my mistake, and endeavouring to excuse it upon the +plea of a stranger's ignorance, when one of the crowd advanced to inform +Cecil that her treasured web was then offering for sale; and, so far as +I could understand the barbarous jargon of the speaker, seemed to urge +the rightful owner to buy it back. Cecil's answer was rather more +intelligible. 'Well, well,' said she, 'if it be ordained, mysel' shall +lie in the bare boards; for that pound shall never be broken by me.' + +'What pound?' enquired I. + +'A note that Jemmy willed to his mother,' answered Cecil; 'and I never +had convenience to send her yet.' + +She spoke with perfect simplicity, as if wholly unconscious of the +generous fidelity which her words implied. + +I had so long been accustomed to riches that I could not always remember +my poverty. In five minutes I had glided through the crowd, purchased +Cecil's treasure, restored it to its owner, and recollected that, +without doing her any real service, I had spent what I could ill afford +to spare. + +The time had been when I could have mistaken this impulse of +constitutional good nature for an act of virtue; but I had learnt to +bestow that title with more discrimination. I was more embarrassed than +delighted by the blessings which Cecil, half in Gaelic, half in English, +uttered with great solemnity. 'Is it enough,' asked conscience, 'to +humour the prejudices of this poor creature, and leave her real wants +unrelieved?'--'But can they,' replied selfishness, 'spare relief to the +wants of others, who are themselves upon the brink of want?'--'She is +like you, alone in the land of strangers,' whispered sympathy.--'She is +the object,' said piety, 'of the same compassion to which you are +indebted for life--life in its highest, noblest sense!'--'Is it right,' +urged worldly-wisdom, 'to part with your only visible means of +subsistence?'--'You have but little to give,' pleaded my better reason; +'seize then the opportunity which converts the mite into a treasure.' +The issue of the debate was, that I purchased for poor Cecil the more +indispensable articles of her furniture; secured for her a shelter till +a milder season might permit her to travel more conveniently; and found +my wealth diminished to a sum which, with economy, might support my +existence for another week. + +Much have I heard of the rewards of an approving conscience, but I am +obliged to confess, that my own experience does not warrant my +recommending them as motives of conduct. I have uniformly found my best +actions, like other fruits of an ungenial climate, less to be admired +because they were good, than tolerated because they were no worse. I +suspect, indeed, that the comforts of self-approbation are generally +least felt when they are most needed; and that no one, who in depressing +circumstances enters on a serious examination of his conduct, ever finds +his spirits raised by the review. If this suspicion be just, it will +obviously follow, that the boasted dignity of conscious worth is not +exactly the sentiment which has won so many noble triumphs over +adversity. For my part, as I shrunk into my lonely chamber, and sighed +over my homely restricted meal, I felt more consolation in remembering +the goodness which clothes the unprofitable lily of the field, and feeds +the improvident tenants of the air, than in exulting that I could bestow +'half my goods to feed the poor.' + +That recollection, and the natural hilarity of temper which has survived +all the buffetings of fortune, supported my spirits during the lonely +days which passed in waiting Mrs Murray's reply. At length it came; to +inform me, that the state of Captain Murray's health would induce my +patroness to shun in a milder climate the chilling winds of a Scotch +spring; to express her regrets for my unavailing journey, and for her +own inability to further my plans; and, as the best substitute for her +own presence, to refer me once more to the erect Mrs St Clare. This +reference I at first vehemently rejected; for I had not yet digested the +courtesies which I already owed to this lady's urbanity. But, moneyless +and friendless as I was, what alternative remained? I was at last forced +to submit, and that only with the worse grace for my delay. + +To Mrs St Clare's then I went; in a humour which will be readily +conceived by any one who remembers the time when sobbing under a sense +of injury he was forced to kiss his hand and beg pardon. The lady's mien +was nothing sweetened since our last interview. While I was taking +uninvited possession of a seat, she leisurely folded up her work, pulled +on her gloves, and crossing her arms, drew up into the most stony +rigidity of aspect. Willing to despatch my business as quickly as +possible, I presented Mrs Murray's letter, begging that she would +consider it as an apology for my intrusion. 'I have heard from Mrs +Murray,' said my gracious hostess, without advancing so much as a finger +towards the letter which I offered. I felt myself redden, but I bit my +lip and made a new attempt. + +'Mrs Murray,' said I, 'gives me reason to hope that I may be favoured +with your advice.' + +'You are a much better judge of your own concerns, Miss Percy, than I +can be.' + +'I am so entirely a stranger here, madam, that I should be indebted to +any advice which might assist me in procuring respectable employment.' + +'I really know nobody just now that wants a person in your line, Miss +Percy.' In my line! The phrase was certainly not conciliating. 'Indeed I +rather wonder what could make my friend Mrs Murray direct you to me.' + +'A confidence in your willingness to oblige her, I presume, madam,' +answered I; no longer able to brook the cool insolence of my companion. + +'I should be glad to oblige her,' returned the impenetrable Mrs St +Clare; without discomposing a muscle except those necessary to +articulation; 'so if I happen to hear of any thing in your way I will +let you know. In the mean time, it may be prudent to go home to your +friends, and remain with them till you find a situation.' + +'Had it been possible for me to follow this advice, madam,' cried I, the +scalding tears filling my eyes, 'you had never been troubled with this +visit.' + +'Hum. I suppose you have not money to carry you home. Eh?' + +I would have retorted the insolent freedom of this question with a burst +of indignant reproof; but my utterance was choked; I had not power to +articulate a syllable. + +'Though I am not fond of advancing money to people I know nothing +about,' continued the lady, 'yet upon Mrs Murray's account here are five +pounds, which I suppose will pay your passage to London.' + +For more than a year I had maintained a daily struggle with my pride; +and I fancied that I had, in no small degree, prevailed. Alas! occasion +only was wanting to show me the strength of my enemy. To be thus +coarsely offered an alms by a common stranger, roused at once the +sleeping serpent. A sense of my destitute state, dependent upon +compassion, defenceless from insult; a remembrance of my better fortune; +pride, shame, indignation, and a struggle to suppress them all, entirely +overcame me. A darkness passed before my eyes; the blood sprang +violently from my nostrils; I darted from the room without uttering a +word; and, before I was sensible of my actions, found myself in the open +air. + +I was presently surrounded by persons of all ranks; for the people of +Scotland have yet to learn that unity of purpose which carries forward +my townsmen without a glance to the right hand or the left; and I know +not if ever the indisposition of a court beauty was enquired after in +such varied tones of sympathy as now reached my ear. In a few minutes +the fresh air had so completely restored me, that the only disagreeable +consequence of my indisposition was the notice which it had attracted. I +took refuge from the awkwardness of my situation in the only shop which +was then within sight; and soon afterwards proceeded unmolested to my +lonely home. + +There I had full leisure to reconsider my morning's adventure. The time +had been when the bare suspicion of a wound would have made my +conscience recoil from the probe. The time had been when I would have +shaded my eye from the light which threatened to show the full form and +stature of my bosom foe; for then, a treacherous will took part against +me, and even my short conflicts were enfeebled by relentings towards the +enemy. But now the will, though feeble, was honest; and I could bear to +look my sin in the face, without fear, that lingering love should forbid +its extermination. A review of my feelings and behaviour towards Mrs St +Clare brought me to a full sense of the unsubdued and unchristian temper +which they betrayed. I saw that whilst I had imagined my 'mountain to +stand strong,' it was yet heaving with the wreckful fire. I felt, and +shuddered to feel, that I had yet part in the spirit of the arch-rebel; +and I wept in bitterness of heart, to see that my renunciation of my +former self had spared so much to show that I was still the same. + +Yet had this sorrow no connection with the fear of punishment. I had +long since exchanged the horror of the culprit who trembles before his +judge, for the milder anguish which bewails offence against the father +and the friend; and when I considered that my offences would cease but +with my life,--that the polluted mansion must be rased ere the incurable +taint could be removed,--I breathed from the heart the language in which +the patriarch deprecates an earthly immortality; and even at nineteen, +when the youthful spirit was yet unbroken, and the warm blood yet +bounded cheerily, I rejoiced from the soul that I should 'not live +alway.' Nor had my sorrow any resemblance to despair. A sense of my +obstinate tendency to evil did but rouse me to resolutions of exertion; +for I knew that will and strength to continue the conflict were a pledge +of final victory. + +Considering that humility, like other habits, was best promoted by its +own acts, I that very hour forced my unwilling spirit to submission, by +despatching the following billet to Mrs St Clare:-- + + 'Madam,--Strong, and I confess blamable, emotion prevented me this + morning from acknowledging your bounty, for which I am not + certainly the less indebted that I decline availing myself of it. I + feel excused for this refusal, by the knowledge that circumstances, + with which it is unnecessary to trouble you, preclude the + possibility of applying your charity to the purpose for which it + was offered. + + 'I am, &c. + + 'ELLEN PERCY.' + +If others should be of opinion, as I now am, that the language of this +billet inclined more to the stately than the conciliating, let them look +back to the time when duty, compassion, and gratitude, could not extort +from me one word of concession to answer the parting kindness of my +mother's friend. And let them learn to judge of the characters of others +with a mercy which I do not ask them to bestow upon mine; let them +remember that, while men's worst actions are necessarily exposed to +their fellow-men, there are few who, like me, unfold their temptations, +or record their repentance. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 1: No Highlander praises any living creature without adding +this benediction. It is not confined, in its application, to human +beings. If the subject of it belong to the speaker, this expression of +dependence is intended to exclude boasting; if you commend what is the +property of another, the Highland dread of an evil eye obliged you to +intimate that you praise without envy. To be vain of a possession is +justly considered as provoking Heaven to withdraw it, or to make it an +instrument of punishment; and no true Highlander ever expected comfort +in what had been envied or greedily desired by another. + +Upon the same account, it is not judged polite to ask, nor safe to tell +the number of a flock, or of a family. I once asked a countrywoman the +number of a fine brood of chickens. 'They're as many as were gi'en,' +said she; 'I'm sure I never counted them.'] + +[Footnote 2: Mo cuilean ghaolach.--_Gaelic._] + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + _His years are young, but his experience old. + His head unmellowed,--but his judgment ripe. + And, in a word, (for far behind his worth, + Come all the praises that I now bestow,) + He is complete in feature and in mind, + With all good grace to grace a gentleman._ + + Shakspeare. + + +I was now in a situation which might have alarmed the fears even of one +born to penury and inured to hardship. Every day diminished a pittance +which I had no means of replacing; and, in an isolation which debarred +me alike from sympathy and protection, I was suffering the penalty of +that perverse temper, which had preferred exile among strangers to an +imaginary degradation among 'my own people.' + +As it became absolutely necessary to discover some means of immediate +subsistence, I expended part of my slender finances in advertising my +wishes and qualifications; but not one enquiry did the advertisement +produce. Perhaps the Scottish mothers in those days insisted upon some +acquaintance with the woman to whom they committed the education of +their daughters, beyond what was necessary to ascertain her knowledge of +the various arts of squandering time. I endeavoured to ward off actual +want by such pastime work as had once ministered to my amusement, and +afterwards to my convenience; but I soon found that my labours were as +useless as they were light; for Edinburgh, at that time, contained no +market for the fruits of feminine ingenuity. + +In such emergency, it is not to be wondered if my spirits faltered. My +improvident lightness of heart forsook me; and though I often resolved +to face the storm bravely, I resolved it with the tears in my eyes. I +asked myself a hundred times a day, what better dependence I could wish +than on goodness which would never withhold, and power which could never +be exhausted? And yet, a hundred times a day I looked forward as +anxiously as if my dependence had been upon the vapour tossed by the +wind. I felt that, though I had possessed the treasures of the earth, +the blessing of Heaven would have been necessary to me; and I knew that +it would be sufficient, although that earth should vanish from her +place. Yet I often examined my decaying means of support as mournfully +as if I had reversed the sentiment of the Roman; and 'to live,' had been +the only thing necessary. + +I was thus engaged one morning, when I heard the voice of Murray +enquiring for me. Longing to meet once more the glance of a friendly +eye, I was more than half tempted to retract my general order for his +exclusion. I had only a moment to weigh the question, yet the prudent +side prevailed; because, if the truth must be told, I chanced just then +to look into my glass; and was ill satisfied with the appearance of my +swoln eyes and colourless cheeks; so well did the motives of my +unpremeditated actions furnish a clue to the original defects of my +mind. However, though I dare not say that my decision was wise, I may at +least call it fortunate; since it probably saved me from one of those +frothy passions which idleness, such as I was condemned to, sometimes +engenders in the heads of those whose hearts are by nature placed in +unassailable security. This ordinary form of the passion was certainly +the only one in which it could then have affected me; for what woman, +educated as I had been, early initiated like me into heartless +dissipation, was ever capable of that deep, generous, self-devoting +sentiment which, in retirement, springs amid mutual charities and mutual +pursuits; links itself with every interest of this life; and twines +itself even with the hopes of immortality? My affections and my +imagination were yet to receive their culture in the native land of +strong attachment, ere I could be capable of such a sentiment. + +As I persevered in excluding Murray, the only being with whom I could +now exchange sympathies was my new Highland friend, Cecil Graham. I +often saw her; and when I had a little conquered my disgust at the filth +and disorder of her dwelling, I found my visits there as amusing as many +of more 'pomp and circumstance.' She was to me an entirely new specimen +of human character; an odd mixture of good sense and superstition,--of +minute parsimony and liberal kindness,--of shrewd observation, and a +land of romantic abstraction from sensible objects. Every thing that was +said or done, suggested to her memory an adventure of some 'gallant +Graham,' or, to her fancy, the agency of some unseen being. + +I had heard Maitland praise the variety, grace, and vigour of the Gaelic +language. 'If we should ever meet again,' thought I, 'I should like to +surprise him pleasantly;' so, in mere dearth of other employment, I +obliged Cecil to instruct me in her mother-tongue. The undertaking was +no doubt a bold one, for I had no access to Gaelic books; nor if I had, +could Cecil have read one page of them, though she could laboriously +decipher a little English. But I cannot recollect that I was ever +deterred by difficulty. While Cecil was busy at her spinning, I made her +translate every name and phrase which occurred to me; tried to imitate +the uncouth sounds she uttered; and then wrote them down with vast +expense of consonants and labour. My progress would, however, have been +impossible, if Cecil's dialect had been as perplexing to me as that of +the Lowlanders of her own rank. But though her language was not exactly +English, it certainly was not Scotch. It was foreign rather than +provincial. It was often odd, but seldom unintelligible. 'I learnt by +book,' said she once when I complimented her on this subject; 'and I had +a good deal of English; though I have lost some of it now, speaking +among this uncultivate' people.' + +Cecil, who had no idea that labour could be its own reward, was very +desirous to unriddle my perseverance in the study of Gaelic. But she +never questioned me directly; for, with all her honesty, Cecil liked to +exert her ingenuity in discovering by-ways to her purpose. 'You'll be +thinking of going to the North Country?' said she one day, in the tone +of interrogation. I told her I had no such expectation. 'You'll may be +get a good husband to take you there yet; and that's what I am sure I +wish,' said Cecil; as if she thought she had invocated for me the sum of +all earthly good. + +'Thank you, Cecil; I am afraid I have no great chance.' + +'You don't know,' answered Cecil, in a voice of encouragement. 'Lady +Eredine hersel' was but a Southron, with your leave.' + +I laughed; for I had observed that Cecil always used this latter form of +apology when she had occasion to mention any thing mean or offensive. +'How came the laird,' said I, 'to marry one who was but a Southron?' + +'Indeed, she was just his fortune, lady,' said Cecil, 'and he could not +go past her. And Mr Kenneth himsel' too is ordained, if he live, save +him, to one from your country.' + +'Have you the second-sight, Cecil, that you know so well what is +ordained for Mr Kenneth?' + +'No, no, lady,' said Cecil, shaking her head with great solemnity, 'if +you'll believe me, I never saw any thing _by_ common. But we have a word +that goes in our country, that "a doe will come from the strangers' land +to couch in the best den in Glen Eredine." And the wisest man in +Killifoildich, and that's Donald MacIan, told me, that "the loveliest of +the Saxon flowers would root and spread next the hall hearth of Castle +Eredine."' + +'A very flattering prophecy indeed, Cecil; and if you can only make it +clear that it belongs to me, I must set out for Glen Eredine, and push +my fortune.' + +'That's not to laugh at, lady,' said Cecil very gravely; 'there's nobody +can tell where a blessing may light. You might even get our dear Mr +Henry himsel', if he knew but what a good lady you are.' + +Now this 'Mr Henry himsel' was Cecil's hero. She thought Mr Kenneth, +indeed, entitled to precedence as the elder brother and heir-apparent; +but her affections plainly inclined towards Henry. He was her constant +theme. Wherever her tales began, they always ended in the praises of +Henry Graham. She told me a hundred anecdotes to illustrate his contempt +of danger, his scorn of effeminacy, his condescension and liberality; +and twice as many which illustrated nothing but her enthusiasm upon the +subject. Her enthusiasm had, indeed, warmth and nature enough to be +contagious. Henry Graham soon ceased to be a mere stranger to me. I +listened to her tales till I knew how to picture his air and +gestures,--till I learned to anticipate his conduct like that of an old +acquaintance; and till Cecil herself was not more prepared than I, to +expect from him every thing noble, resolute, and kind. + +To her inexpressible sorrow, however, this idol of her fancy was only an +occasional visiter in Glen Eredine; for which misfortune she accounted +as follows:-- + +'It will be twenty years at Michaelmas[3], since some of that Clan +Alpine, who, by your leave, were never what they should be, came and +lifted the cattle of Glen Eredine; and no less would serve them but they +took Lady Eredine's _oun_ cow, that was called Lady Eredine after the +lady's _oun_ sel'. Well! you may judge, lady, if Eredine was the man to +let them keep _that_ with peace and pleasure. Good troth, the laird +swore that he would have them all back, hoof and horn, if there was a +stout heart in Glen Eredine. Mr Kenneth was in the town then at his +learning; more was the pity--but it was not his fault that he was not +there to fight for's _oun_. So the laird would ha' won the beasts home +himsel', and that would _he_. But Mr Henry was just set upon going; and +he begged so long and so sore, that the laird just let him take's will. +Donald MacIan minds it all; for he was standing next the laird's own +chair when he laid's hand upon Mr Henry's head, and says he, "Boy," says +he, "I am sure you'll never shame Glen Eredine and come back +empty-handed." And then his honour gave a bit nod with's head to Donald, +as much as bid him be near Mr Henry; and Donald told me his heart grew +great, and it was no gi'en him to say one word; but thinks he, "I shall +be _cutted_ in inches before he miss me away from him." + +'So ye see, there were none went but Donald and three more; for Mr Henry +said that he would make no more dispeace than enough; so much +forethought had he, although he was but, I may say, a child; and Donald +told me that he followed these cattle by the lay of the heather, just as +if he had been thirty years of age; for the eagle has not an eye like +his; ay, and he travelled the whole day without so much as stopping to +break bread, although you may well think, lady, that, in those days, his +teeth were longer than's beard. And at night he rolled him in's plaid, +and laid him down with the rest, as many other good gentles have done +before, when we had no inns, nor coaches, nor such like niceties. + +'Well! in the morning he's astir before the roes; and, with grey light, +the first sight he sees coming down Bonoghrie is the Glen Eredine +cattle, and Lady Eredine the foremost. And there was Neil Roy Vich +Roban, and Callum Dubh, and five or six others little worth, with your +leave; and Donald knew not how many more might be in the shealing. Ill +days were then; for the red soldier were come in long before that, and +they had taken away both dirk and gun; ay, and the very claymore that +Ronald Graham wagged in's hand o'er Colin Campbell's neck, was taken and +a'. So he that was born to as many good swords, and targes, and dirks, +as would have busked all Glen Eredine, had no a weapon to lift but what +grew on's _oun_ hazels! But the Grahams, lady, will grip to their foe +when the death-stound's in their fingers. So Mr Henry he stood foremost, +as was well his due; and he bade Neil Roy to give up these beasts with +peace. Well! what think you, lady? the fellow, with your leave, had the +face to tell the laird's son that he had ta'en, and he would keep. "If +you can," quo' Mr Henry, "with your eight men against five." Then Neil +he swore that the like should never be said of him; and he bade Mr Henry +choose any five of his company to fight the Glen Eredine men. "A +bargain!" says Mr Henry, "so Neil I choose you; and shame befa' the +Graham that takes no the stoutest foe he finds." Och on! lady, if you +did but hear Donald tell of that fight. It would make your very skin +creep cold. Well, Mr Henry he held off himsel' so well that Neil at the +length flew up in a rage, and out with's dirk to stick her in our sweet +lamb's heart; but she was guided to light in's arm. Then Donald he got +sight of the blood, and he to Neil like a hawk on a muir-hen, and +gripped him with both's hands round the throat, and held him there till +the dirk fell out of's fingers; and all the time Callum Dubh was +threshing at Donald as had he been corn, but Donald never heeded. Then +Mr Henry was so good that he ordered to let Neil go, and helped him up +with's _oun_ hand; but he flung the dirk as far as he could look at her. + +'Well! by this time two of the Macgregors had their backs to the earth; +so the Glen Eredine men that had settled them, shouted and hurra'd, and +away to the cattle. And one cried Lady Eredine, and the other cried +Dubhbhoidheach[4]; and the poor beasts knew their voices and came to +them. But Mr Henry caused save Janet Donelach's cows first, because she +was a widow, and had four young mouths to fill. Be's will, one way or +other, they took the cattle, as the laird had said, hoof and horn; and +the Aberfoyle men durst not lift a hand to hinder them, because Neil +had bound himsel' under promise, that none but five should meddle.' + +'But Cecil,' interrupted I, growing weary of this rude story, 'what has +all this to do with Henry Graham's exile from Glen Eredine?' + +'Yes, lady,' answered Cecil, 'it has to do; for it was the very thing +that parted him from's own. For, you see, the Southron sheriffs were set +up before that time; and the laird himsel' could not get's will of any +body, as he had a good right; for they must meddle, with your leave, in +every thing. The thistle's beard must na' flee by, but they must catch +and look into. So when the sheriff heard of the Glen Eredine spraith, he +sent out the red soldiers, and took Neil Roy, and Callum Dubh, and +prisoned them in Stirling Castle; and the word went that they were to be +hanged, with your leave, if witness could be had against them; and +Donald, and the rest of them that fought the Aberfoyle men, were bidden +come and swear again' them. Then the word gaed that the sheriff would +have Mr Henry too; but Lady Eredine being a Southron herself, with your +leave, was always wishing to send Mr Henry to the strangers, so now she +harped upon the laird till he just let her take her will. + +'So, rather than spill man's life, Mr Henry left both friend and +foster-brother, and them that could have kissed the ground he trode +upon. Och hone! Either I mind that day, or else I have been well told +of; for it comes like a dream to me, how my mother took me up in her +arms, and followed him down the glen. Young and old were there; and the +piper he went foremost, playing the lament. Not one spake above their +breath. My mother wouldno' make up to bid farewell; but when she had +gone till she was no' able for more, she stood and looked, and sent her +blessing with him; wishing him well back, and soon. But the babies that +were in arms that day ran miles to meet him the next time he saw Glen +Eredine.' + +'And what became of the two prisoners?' I enquired at the close of this +long story. + +''Deed, lady,' replied Cecil, 'they were just forced to let them out +again; for two of our lads hid themselves not to bear witness; and as +for Donald MacIan and Duncan Bane, they answered so wisely that nobody +could make mischief of what they said. So Neil, that very night he was +let out, he lifted four of the sheriffs cows, just for a warning to him; +and drave them to Glen Eredine, in a compliment to Mr Henry.' + +This tale, and twenty others of the same sort, while they strengthened +my interest in Cecil's hero, awakened some curiosity to witness the +singular manners which they described. I was not aware how much the +innovations and oppressions of twenty years had defaced the bold +peculiarities of Highland character; how, stripped of their national +garb, deprived of the weapons which were at once their ornament, +amusement, and defence, this hardy race had bent beneath their fate, +seeking safety in evasion, and power in deceit. Nor did I at all suspect +how much my ignorance of their language disqualified me from observing +their remaining characteristics. + +But curiosity is seldom very troublesome to the poor; and the vulgar +fear of want was soon strong enough to divert my interest from all that +Cecil could tell me of the romantic barbarisms of her countrymen; or of +the bright eye, the manly port, the primitive hardihood, and the +considerate benevolence of Henry Graham. + +I was soon obliged to apply to her for information of a different kind. +My wretched fund was absolutely exhausted, and still no prospect opened +of employment in any form. Having no longer the means of procuring a +decent shelter, I seemed inevitably doomed to be destitute and homeless. +One resource, indeed, remained to me in the plain but decent wardrobe +which I had brought to Scotland. It is true, this could furnish only a +short-lived abundance, since principle, no less than convenience, had +prescribed to me frugality in my attire: but our ideas accommodate +themselves to our fortunes; and I, who once should have thought myself +beggared if reduced to spend 500_l._ a year, now rejoiced over a +provision for the wants of one week as over treasure inexhaustible. + +I found it easier, however, to resolve upon parting with my superfluous +apparel, than to execute my resolution. Ignorant of the means of +transacting this humbling business, I had not the courage to expose my +poverty, by asking instructions. I often argued this point with myself; +and proved, to my own entire conviction, that poverty was no disgrace, +since it had been the lot of patriots, endured by sages, and preferred +by saints. Nevertheless, it is not to be told with what contrivance I +obtained from Cecil the information necessary for my purpose, nor with +what cautious concealment I carried it into effect. Having once, +however, conquered the first difficulties, I went on without hesitation: +it was so much more easy to part with a superfluous trifle than to beg +the assistance, or sue for the patronage, of strangers. + +My last resource, however, proved even more transient than I had +expected. I soon found it absolutely necessary to bend my spirit to my +fortunes, and to begin a personal search for employment. On a stern +wintry morning I set out for this purpose, with that feeling of dreary +independence which belongs to those who know that they can claim no +favour from any living soul. I applied at every music shop, and made +known my qualifications at every boarding-school I could discover. At +some I was called, with forward curiosity, to exhibit my talent; and the +disgust of my forced compliance was heightened by the coarse applause I +received. From some I was dismissed, with a permission to call again; at +others I was informed that every department of tuition was already +overstocked with teachers of preeminent skill. + +At last I thought myself most fortunate in obtaining the address of a +lady who wanted a governess for six daughters; but having examined me +from head to foot, she dismissed me, with a declaration that she saw I +would not do. Before I could shut the room-door, I heard the word +'beauty' uttered with most acrimonious emphasis. The eldest of the young +ladies squinted piteously, and the second was marked with the small-pox. + +All that I gained by a whole day wandering was the opportunity of +economising, by remaining abroad till the dinner hour was past. Heroines +of romance often show a marvellous contempt for the common necessaries +of life; from whence I am obliged to infer that their biographers never +knew the real evils of penury. For my part, I must confess that +remembrance of my better days, and prospects of the dreary future, were +not the only feelings which drew tears down my cheek, as I cowered over +the embers of a fire almost as low as my fortunes, and almost as cold as +my hopes. We generally make the most accurate estimate of ourselves when +we are stripped of all the externals which serve to magnify us in our +own eyes. I had often confessed that all my comforts were +undeserved,--that I escaped every evil only by the mitigation of a +righteous sentence; but I had never so truly felt the justice of this +confession as now, when nothing was left me which could, by any latitude +of language, be called my own. Yet, though depressed, I was not +comfortless; for I knew that my deserts were not the measure of my +blessings; and when I remembered that my severest calamities had led to +substantial benefit,--that even my presumption and self-will had often +been over-ruled to my advantage,--I felt at once a disposition to +distrust my own judgment of present appearances, and an irresistible +conviction that, however bereaved, I should not be forsaken. I fear it +is not peculiar to me to reserve a real trust in Providence for the time +which offers nothing else to trust. However, I mingled tears with +prayers, and doubtful anticipation with acts of confidence, till, my +mind as weary as my frame, I found refuge from all my cares in a sleep +more peaceful than had often visited my pillow when every luxury that +whim could crave waited my awaking. + +I was scarcely dressed, next morning, when my landlady bustled into my +apartment with an air of great importance. She seated herself with the +freedom which she thought my situation entitled her to use; and abruptly +enquired, whether I was not seeking employment as a governess? A sense +of the helplessness and desolation which I had brought upon myself had +so well subdued my spirit, that I answered this unceremonious question +only by a meek affirmative. Mrs Milne then, with all the exultation of a +patroness, declared that she would recommend me to an excellent +situation; and proceeded to harangue concerning her 'willingness to +befriend people, because there was no saying how soon she herself might +need a friend.' + +I submitted, resignedly enough, to the ostentation of vulgar patronage, +while Mrs Milne unfolded her plan. Her sister, she told me, was +waiting-maid to a lady who wanted a governess for her only child,--a +girl about ten years old. She added, that believing me to have come into +Scotland with a view to employment of that kind, she had mentioned me to +this sister; who, she hinted, had no small influence with her mistress. +Finally, she advised me to lose no time in offering my services; +because, as Mrs Boswell's plan of education was now full four-and-twenty +hours old, nobody who knew her could expect its continuance, unless +circumstances proved peculiarly favourable to its stability. + +Though I could not help smiling at my new channel of introduction, I was +in no situation to despise any prospect of employment; and I immediately +proceeded to enquire into the particulars of the offered situation, and +into my chance of obtaining it. I was informed that Mr Boswell, having, +in the course of a long residence in one of the African settlements, +realised a competent fortune, had returned home to spend it among his +relations; that he was a good-natured, easy man, who kept a handsome +establishment, loved quiet, a good dinner, and a large allowance of +claret; that in the first of these luxuries he was rather sparingly +indulged by his lady, who, nevertheless, was a very endurable sort of +person to those who could suit themselves to her way. These, however, +were so few, that but for one or two persons made obsequious by +necessity, the Boswells would have eaten their ragouts and drunk their +claret alone. + +All this was not very encouraging; but it was not for me to startle at +trifles; and I only expressed my fears that the recommendation of the +waiting-maid might not be thought quite sufficient to procure for me +such a trust as the education of an only child. 'Oh! for that matter,' +said my landlady, 'if you put yourself in luck's way, you have as good a +chance as another; for Mrs Boswell will never fash to look after only +but them that looks after her.' + +Agreeably to this opinion, I had no sooner swallowed my spare breakfast +than I walked to George Square, to present myself to Mrs Boswell. I was +informed at her door that she was in bed; but that if I returned about +one o'clock, I should probably find her stirring. At the hour appointed, +I returned accordingly; and, after some demur and consultation between +the footman and the housemaid, I was shown into a handsome breakfast +parlour, where, upon a fashionable couch, half sat, half lay, Mrs +Boswell. + +Her thin sharp face, high nose, and dark eyes, gave her at the first +glance, an air of intelligence; but when I looked again, her curveless +mouth, her wandering eyebrows, and low contracted forehead, obliged me +to form a different judgment. The last impression was probably +heightened by the employment in which I found her engaged. From a large +box of trinkets which stood before her, she was bedizening herself and a +pretty little fair-haired girl with every possible variety of bauble. +Each was decked with at least half a dozen necklaces, studded all over +with _mal-à-propos_ clasps and broaches, and shackled with a multitude +of rings and bracelets; so that they looked like two princesses of the +South Sea Islands. All this was surveyed with such gravity and +self-importance, as showed that the elder baby had her full share in the +amusement. + +Mrs Boswell did not rise to receive me; but she stirred, which was a +great deal for Mrs Boswell. I made my obeisance with no very good will; +and told her, that hearing she wanted a governess for Miss Boswell, I +had taken the liberty to wait upon her. + +Mrs Boswell only answered me by something which she intended for a +smile. Most smiles express either benevolence or gaiety; but Mrs +Boswell's did neither. It was a mere extension of the mouth; she never +used any other. 'My pretty love,' said she, addressing herself to the +child, 'will you go and tell Campbell to find my--a--my musk-box; and +you can help her to seek it, you know.' + +'No, I won't!' bawled the child; 'for I know you only want to send me +away that you may talk to the lady about that nasty governess.' + +'I an't going to talk about any nasty governess. Do go now, there's a +dear; and I'll take you out in the carriage, and buy you another new +doll,--a large one with blue eyes.' + +'No you won't,' retorted miss; 'for you promised me the doll if I would +learn to write _O_, and you did not give it me then; no more will you +now.' + +'A pretty ground-work for my labours!' thought I. + +The altercation was carried on long and briskly, mingled with occasional +appeals to me. 'Miss Percy, did you ever see such a child?' + +'Oh yes, madam,--a great many such.' + +'She has, to be sure, such an unmanageable temper! But then' (in a half +whisper), 'the wonderfullest clever little creature! Now, do, Jessie, go +out of the room when you are bid.' + +At last, command and stratagem being found equally unavailing, Mrs +Boswell was obliged to take the course which many people would have +preferred from the first; and proceeded to her business in spite of the +presence of Miss Jessie. + +'Can you teach the _piano_?' + +'I believe I understand music tolerably well; and though I am a very +inexperienced teacher, I would endeavour to show no want of patience or +assiduity.' + +'And singing?' said Mrs Boswell, yawning. + +'I have been taught to sing.' + +'And French, and geography, and all the rest of it?' + +I was spared the difficulty of answering this comprehensive question by +my pupil elect, who by this time had sidled close up to me, and was +looking intently in my face. 'You an't the governess your own self? Are +you?' said she. + +'I hope I shall be so, my dear.' + +'I thought you had been an ugly cross old thing! You an't cross. Are +you?' + +'No. I do not think I am.' + +'I dare say you are very funny and good-natured.' + +Mrs Boswell gave me a glance which she intended should express sly +satisfaction. 'You would like to _larn_ music and every thing of that +pretty lady, wouldn't you?' said she to her daughter. + +'No. I would never like to _larn_ nothing at all; but I should like her +to stay with me, if she would play with me, and never bother me with +that nasty spelling-book.' + +'Well, she shan't bother you. Miss Percy, what terms do you expect?' + +'These I leave entirely to you and Mr Boswell, madam. Respectable +protection is the more important consideration with me.' + +'To be sure protection is very important,' said Mrs Boswell, once more +elongating her mouth; and she made a pause of at least five minutes, to +recruit after such an unusual expense of idea. This time I employed in +making my court so effectually to the young lady, that when her mother +at last mentioned the time of my removal to George Square, she became +clamorous for my returning that evening. A new set of stratagems was +vainly tried to quiet my obstreperous inviter; and then mamma, as usual, +gave up the point. 'Pray come to-night, if you can,' said she, 'or there +will be no peace.' + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 3: 'The tract of country which has been described appears, +however, to have enjoyed a considerable degree of tranquillity, till +about the year 1746. At that time it became infested with a lawless band +of depredators, whose fortunes had been rendered desperate by the event +of 1745, and whose habits had become incompatible with a life of +sobriety and honesty. These banditti consisted chiefly of emigrants from +Lochaber and the remoter parts of the Highlands.' + +'In convenient spots they erected temporary huts, where they met from +time to time, and regaled themselves at the expense of the peaceable +and defenceless inhabitants. The ruins of these huts are still to be +seen in the woods. They laid the country under contribution; and +whenever any individual was so unfortunate as to incur their +resentment, he might lay his account with having his cattle carried off +before morning.'--_Graham's Sketches of Perthshire._] + +[Footnote 4: Black beauty--pronounced tu voiach.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + _Dependence! heavy, heavy, are thy chains, + And happier they who from the dangerous sea, + Or the dark mine, procure with ceaseless pains, + A hard-earned pittance--than who trust to thee._ + + Charlotte Smith. + + +By some untoward fate, the government of husbands generally falls into +the hands of those who are not likely to bring the art into repute. +Women of principle refuse the forbidden office; women of sense steadily +shut their eyes against its necessity in their own case; warm affection +delights more in submission than in sway; and against the influence of +genius an ample guard is provided in the jealousy of man. Mrs Boswell +being happily exempt from any of these disqualifications, did her best +to govern her husband. There was nothing extraordinary in the attempt, +but I was long perplexed to account for its success, for Mr Boswell was +not a fool. The only theory I could ever form on the subject was, that +being banished during his exile in the colony from all civilised +society, having little employment, and none of the endless resource +supplied by literary habits, Mr Boswell had found himself dependent for +comfort and amusement upon his wife. She, on her part, possessed one +qualification for improving this circumstance to the advancement of her +authority; she was capable of a perseverance in sullenness, which no +entreaties could move, and no submissions could mollify. She had, +besides, some share of beauty; and though this was of course a very +transient engine of conjugal sway, she gained perhaps as much from the +power of habit over an indolent mind, as she lost by the invariable law +of wedlock. Finally, where authority failed, Mrs Boswell could have +recourse to cunning. A screw will often work where more direct force is +useless; and whatever understanding Mrs Boswell possessed was of the +tortuous kind. All her talents for rule, however, were exerted upon Mr +Boswell. Her child, her servants, any body who would take the trouble, +performed the same office for herself. Except when she was capriciously +seized with a fit of what she thought firmness, clamour or flattery were +all-prevailing with her. + +The very first evening which I spent in her house, furnished me with a +specimen of her habits. 'Will you begin French with Jessie to-morrow?' +said she to me, with one of her most complaisant simpers. + +'I should think, my darling,' said Mr Boswell, not much in the tone of a +master, 'that, if you please, it may be as well to exercise her a little +more in English first.' + +'She can learn that at any time,' said Mrs Boswell, dismissing her +smiles. + +'Don't you think she had better begin with what is most necessary?' said +the husband. + +'We can't be losing Miss Percy's time with English,' returned the wife, +without deigning to turn her eyes or her head. + +Mr Boswell paused to recruit his courage; and then said meekly, 'I dare +say Miss Percy will not consider her time as lost in teaching any thing +you may think for the child's advantage.' + +'Certainly not,' answered I; for Mr Boswell spoke with a look of appeal +to me. + +Mrs Boswell sat silent for five minutes, settling all the rings upon all +her fingers. 'Any body can hear the child read,' said she, at last, +without altering her tone or a muscle of her face. + +'But Miss Percy's language and pronunciation are such admirable models, +that----' Mr Boswell stopped short, arrested by symptoms which I had not +yet learned to discern. The lady uttered not another syllable, nor did +she once raise her eyes till we were about to retire for the night. + +'Shall I then give Miss Jessie a lesson in English grammar to-morrow +morning?' said I, addressing myself to Mr Boswell; merely from a feeling +that the father had a right to direct the education of his child. + +'As--as you think best--as you please,' answered Mr Boswell +hesitatingly; and casting towards his spouse a glance of timid enquiry, +which she did not answer even by a look. + +I attended her to her bedchamber, where to my great surprise she drew +me in and hastily locked the door; leaving Mr Boswell, who was following +close behind, to amuse himself in the lobby. She then seated herself; +and, with all the coolness in the world, began talking to me of negroes, +gold dust, and ivory. Presently Mr Boswell came, and gently requested +admission. Of this request the lady took no notice whatever. Some time +afterwards the summons was repeated, but still without effect. 'I am +afraid I exclude Mr Boswell,' said I, rising and wishing her good night. +'Oh never mind,' said the lady, nodding her head, and endeavouring to +look arch. Again I offered to go, but she would not allow me to move; +and as she had put the key of the room-door into her pocket, I had no +means of retreat. At last Mr Boswell, hopeless of effecting a lodgment +in his own apartment, retired to another; and as soon as the lady had, +by listening, ascertained this fact, she opened the door and permitted +me to depart. + +For four days Mrs Boswell never honoured her lord with the slightest +mark of her notice. When he addressed her, whether in the tone of remark +or of conciliation, she gave no sign of hearing. She would not even +condescend to account for her behaviour by seeming out of humour; for to +me she was all smiles and courtesy; and towards poor Mr Boswell she +merely assumed an air of unconquerable nonchalance. It was in vain that +he acceded to his lady's plan for her daughter's studies. The obdurate +fair was not so to be mollified. At length, on the fifth morning, she +deigned to acknowledge his presence by a short and sullen answer to some +trifle which he uttered. His restoration to favour, however, went on +with rapid progression; and before evening the pair were upon the most +gracious footing imaginable. Being now admitted behind the scenes, I was +perfectly aware of the reason of this change. Mrs Boswell wanted money. + +Indeed I was early made a sort of confidante; that is to say, Mrs +Boswell told me all her likings and dislikes, all her husband's faults, +and all her grounds of quarrel with his relations and her own. She +unfolded to me, besides, many ingenious devices for managing Miss +Jessie, for detecting the servants, and for cajoling Mr Boswell. I must +own I never could discover the necessity for these artifices; but there +is pleasure in every effort of understanding, and I verily believe these +tricks afforded the only exercise of which Mrs Boswell's was capable. + +It is not to be told with what disgust I contemplated this poor woman's +character. Her uniform selfishness, her pitiful cunning, her feeble +stratagems to compass baby ends, filled me with unconquerable contempt; +a contempt which, indeed, I scarcely strove to repress. I imagined it to +be the natural stirring of an honourable indignation. I often repeated +to myself, that 'I would willingly serve the poor creature if I could.' +I always behaved to her with such a show of deference as our mutual +relation demanded, and thus concealed from myself 'what spirit I was +of.' To forgive substantial injury is sometimes less a test of right +temper than to turn an eye of Christian compassion upon the dwarfish +distortion of a mind crippled in all its nobler parts. + +But of all Mrs Boswell's perversions, the most provoking was her +mischievous interference with my pupil. Either from jealousy of my +influence, or from the mere habit of circumvention, a sort of intriguing +was carried on, which the folly of the mother and the simplicity of the +child constantly forced upon my notice. Some indulgence was bestowed, +which was to be kept profoundly secret from the governess; or some +neglected task was to be slily performed by proxy. If the child was +depressed by a sense of my disapprobation, she was to be comforted with +gingerbread and sugar-plums; and then exhorted to wash her mouth, that +Miss Percy might not discover this judicious supply of consolation. + +I believe it is a mistake to suppose that we are not liable to be angry +with those whom we despise. I know I was often so much irritated by the +petty arts of Mrs Boswell, that necessity alone detained me under her +roof. I was the more harassed by her folly; because, duty apart, I had +become extremely interested in the improvement of my young charge. The +_élève_ of such a mother was, of course, idle, sly, and self-willed; but +Jessie was a pretty, playful creature, with capacity enough to show that +talents are not hereditary, and such a strength of natural kindliness as +had outlived circumstances the most unfavourable to its culture. This +latter quality is always irresistible; and it was more particularly so +to an outcast like myself, who had no living thing to love or trust. + +But for this child, indeed, Mr Boswell's house would have been to me a +perfect solitude. Mrs Boswell was utterly incapable of any thing that +deserved the name of conversation. Six pages a week of a novel, or of +the Lady's Magazine, were the utmost extent of her reading. She did +nothing; therefore we could have no fellowship of employment. She +thought nothing; therefore we could have no intercourse of mind. All +her subjects of interest were strictly selfish; therefore we could not +exchange sympathies. Either her extreme indolence, or a latent +consciousness of inferiority, made her averse to the society of her +equals in rank. Her ignorance or disregard of all established courtesies +had banished from her table every guest, except one old maiden relative, +whose circumstances obliged, and whose meanness inclined, her to grasp +at the stinted civilities of Mrs Boswell. To extort even the slightest +attention from Mr Boswell was, as I soon found, an unpardonable offence. +Thus, though once more nominally connected with my fellow-creatures, I +was, in fact, as lonely as when I first set foot upon a land where every +face was new, and every accent was strange to me. + +In the many thoughtful hours I spent, what lessons did not my proud +spirit receive! All the comforts which I drew from human converse, or +human affection, I owed to a child. For my subsistence I depended upon +one of the most despicable of human beings. But my self-knowledge, +however imperfect, was now sufficient to render me satisfied with any +circumstances which tended to repress my prevailing sin; a temper from +which I even then endeavoured to forebode final, though, alas! +far-distant, victory. + +Almost the only worldly interest or pleasure which remained for me to +forego, I found myself obliged to sacrifice to my new situation. I could +not introduce my pupil to the lowly habitation of my Highland friend; +and I was too completely shackled to go abroad alone. Thus ended my +expectations of reading Ossian in the original; and, what was perhaps a +greater disappointment, thus perished my hopes of surprising Mr +Maitland--if Maitland and I were ever again to meet. That we should meet +I believe I entertained an undefined conviction; for I often caught +myself referring to his opinions, and anticipating his decision. +Unfortunately this belief had no rational foundation. It was merely the +work of fancy, which, wandering over a world that to me had been +desolated, could find no other resting-place. + +Though I had no longer leisure to pursue my Gaelic studies, I could not +entirely relinquish my interest in Cecil Graham; and I seized an hour to +visit and bid her farewell, one morning while Mrs Boswell and my pupil +were gone to purchase toys. + +When I entered Cecil's apartment, she was kneading oat cakes upon the +only chair which it contained, the litter upon her table not leaving +space for such an operation; but on seeing me, she threw aside the +dough; and pulling down a ragged stocking from a rope that stretched +across the room, she wiped the chair, and very cordially invited me to +sit down. 'Don't let me interrupt you, Cecil,' said I. + +'Oh it's no interruption, lady,' returned Cecil. 'I'm sure ye have a +lucky foot; and I was feared that I was no' to see you again, 'at I +was.' + +'Why did not you come and visit me then Cecil?' + +''Deed lady, I was at your lodging one day; and they told me you were +away, and where you were gone to; and I went two or three times and sat +with the childer' upon the step of the door to see if you would, may be, +come out; but I never had luck to see you.' + +'Why did you not enquire for me?' + +'I'se warrant, lady,' said Cecil, with a smile of proud humility, 'they +might have thought a wonder to see the like of me enquiring for you. But +much thought have I had about you. They say "cold is the breath of +strangers[5];" but troth, if you like to believe me, my heart warmed to +you whenever I saw you first.' + +'Truly, Cecil, I like very much to believe you; for there are not many +hearts that warm to me.' + +'I'se tell you, lady, the last time I saw you, ye were no like yoursel'; +ye were a white's canna[6]; and I just thought that, may be, an ill ee, +with your leave, had taken you.' + +'Does an evil eye injure the complexion of any body except the owner, +think you, Cecil?' said I. + +'An eye will split a stone[7], as they'll say in Glen Eredine,' said +Cecil, shaking her head very gravely. 'But I have something, if you +would please to accept; she hit mysel' just on the coat, with your +leave, one night going through under the face of Benarde.' While she +spoke she was searching about her bed, and at length produced a small +stone shaped somewhat like a gun flint.[8] 'Now,' proceeded she, 'ye'll +just sew that within the lining of your stays, lady; or, with your +leave, in the band of your petticoat; and there'll nobody _can_ harm +you.' + +'Thank you, Cecil. But if I rob you of this treasure, who knows how far +your own good fortune may suffer?' + +'Oh laogh mo chridhe[9],' cried Cecil affectionately, 'it's good my part +to venture any thing for your sake; and if it just please Providence to +keep us till we be at Glen Eredine, I'll, may be, get another.' + +I could not help smiling at Cecil's humble substitute for the care of +Providence, and inwardly moralising upon the equal inefficacy of others +which are in more common repute. But as a casual attempt to correct her +superstition would have been more likely to shake her confidence in +myself than in the elfin arrow, I quietly accepted of her gift; +enquiring when she would be in a situation to replace it. + +'I don't know, lady,' answered Cecil with a sigh. 'The weather's clear +and bonny, and I am wearying sore for home; but--but I'm half feared +that Jemmy might no be easy, ye see, when he heard that I was at +Eredine.' + +'How should it make your husband uneasy to hear that you were at home?' + +'I don't know,' said Cecil, looking down with a faint smile, and +stopped; then sighing deeply, she proceeded, relieving her embarrassment +by twisting the string of her apron with great industry. 'Ye see, lady, +I have a friend in Glen Eredine,--I--I--' + +'So much the better, Cecil. That cannot surely be an objection to your +going thither.' + +'I mean,--I would say, a lad like that--I should have married, if it had +been so ordered.' Cecil stopped, and sighed again. + +'And do you think your husband would scruple to trust you, Cecil?' said +I. + +Her embarrassment instantly vanished, and she looked up steadily in my +face. 'No, no, lady!' said she, 'I'll never think such a thought of him. +He's no' so ill-hearted. But he would think that I might be dowie[10] +there, and he so far away; for it's a sore heart to me, that the poor +lad has never been rightly himsel', since my father bade marry Jemmy. +And he'll no be forbidden to stand and look after me, and to make of +little Kenneth there, and fetch hame our cows at night. And ever since +my father died, he'll no be hindered to shear[11] my mother's peats, +although I have never spoken one word to him, good or bad, since that +day that----' + +Cecil paused, and drew her sleeve across her eyes. 'It was so ordered,' +said she, 'and all's for the best.' + +'Yes, but, Cecil, were not you a little hard-hearted, to forsake such a +faithful lover?' + +'Ochone! lady, what could I do? It was well kent he was no fitting for +me. His forbeers were but strangers, with your leave; and though I say +it, I'm sib[12] to the best gentles in the land. So you see my father +would never be brought in.' + +'And you dutifully submitted to your father!' said I, my heart swelling +as I contrasted the filial conduct of this untutored being with my own. + +'Woe's me, lady,--I was his own;--he had a good right that I should do +his bidding. And besides that, I knew that Robert was no ordained for +me;--well knew I that,--that I knew well.' And while I was musing upon +my ill-fated rebellion, Cecil kept ringing changes upon these words; for +she would rather have repeated the same idea twenty times, then have +allowed of a long pause in conversation, where she was the entertainer. + +'How did you discover,' I enquired at length, 'that there was a decree +against your marrying Robert?' + +'I'se tell you, lady,' answered Cecil, lowering her voice; 'we have a +seer[13] in Glen Eredine; and he was greatly troubled with me plainly +standing at Jemmy's left hand. And first he saw it in the morning, and +always farther up in the day, as the time came near. So he had no +freedom in his mind but to tell me. Well, when I heard it, I fell down +just as I had been shot; for I knew then what would be. But we must all +have our fortune, lady. No' that I'm reflecting; for Jemmy's a good man +to me; and an easy life I have had with him.' + +'That is no more than you deserve, Cecil. A dutiful daughter deserves to +be a happy wife.' + +'Well, now, that's the very word that Miss Graham said, when she was +that humble as to busk my first curch[14] with her _oun_ hand; ay that's +what she did; and when she saw me sobbing as my heart would break; +hersel' laid her _oun_ arm about my neck; and says she, just as had I +been her equal, "My dear Cecil," says she. The Lord bless her! I thought +more of these two words, than of all the good plenishing[15] she gave +me. But for a' that, I had a sorrowful time of it at the first; and a +sorrowfuller wedding was never in Glen Eredine, altho' Mr Henry was the +best man himsel'; for you see, Jemmy's his foster-brother.' + +'The best man? Cecil; I do not understand you. I should have thought +the bridegroom might be the most important personage for that day at +least.' + +Cecil soon made me comprehend, that she meant a brideman; whose office, +she said, was to accompany the bridegroom when he went to invite guests +to his wedding, and to attend him when he conducted his bride to her +home. She told me, that, according to the custom of her country, her +wedding was not celebrated till some weeks after she had taken the vows +of wedlock; the Highland husband, once secure of his prize, prudently +postponing the nuptial festivities and the honey-moon, till the close of +harvest brought an interval of leisure. Meanwhile, the forsaken lover, +whose attachment had become respectable by its constancy, as well as +pitiable by its disappointment, was removed from the scene of his +rival's success by the humanity of Henry Graham, who contrived to employ +him in a distant part of the country. But, in the restlessness of a +disordered understanding, poor Robert left his post; wandered +unconsciously many a mile; and reached his native glen on the day of +Cecil's wedding. + +By means of much rhetoric and gesticulation upon Cecil's part, and +innumerable questions upon mine, I obtained a tolerably distinct idea of +the ceremonial of this wedding. Upon the eventful morning, the reluctant +bride presided at a public breakfast, which was attended by all her +acquaintance, and honoured by the presence of 'the laird himsel'.' I +will not bring discredit upon the refinement of my Gael, by specifying +the materials of this substantial repast, as they were detailed to me +with _naïve_ vanity by Cecil; but I may venture to tell, that, like more +elegant fêtes of the same name, it was succeeded by dancing. 'I danced +with the rest,' said Cecil, 'tho', with your leave, it made my very +heart sick; and many a time I thought, oh, if this dancing were but for +my lykwake.'[16] The harbingers of the bridegroom, (or, to use Cecil's +phrase, the _send_,) a party of gay young men and women, arrived. Cecil, +according to etiquette, met them at the door, welcomed, and offered them +refreshments; then turned from them, as the prisoner from one who +brings his death-warrant, struggling to gather decent fortitude from +despair. + +At last the report of a musket announced the approach of the bridegroom; +and it was indispensable that the unwilling bride should go forth to +meet him. 'The wind might have blawn me like the withered leaf,' said +Cecil, 'I was so powerless; but Miss Graham thought nothing to help me +with her _oun_ arm. Jemmy and I _may_ be lucky,' continued she, with a +boding sigh; 'but I am sure it was an unchancy place where we had luck +to meet;--just where the road goes low down into Dorch'thalla[17]; the +very place where Kenneth Roy, that was the laird's grandfather, saw +something that he followed for's ill; and it beguiled him over the rock, +where he would have been dashed in pieces though he had been iron. The +sun never shines where he fell, and the water's aye black there. Well, +it was just there that Jemmy had luck to get sight of us; so then, ye +see, he ran forward to meet me, as the custom is in our country. Oh, +I'll never forget that meeting!' Cecil stopped, shuddering with a look +of horror, which I dared not ask her to explain. 'He took off his +bonnet,' she continued, 'to take, with your leave, what he never took +off my mouth before; but,--oh, I'll never forget that cry! It was like +something unearthly. "Cecil! Cecil!" it cried; and when I looked up, +there's Robert, just where the eagle's nest was wont to be; he was just +setting back's foot, as he would that moment spring down.' + +'Did you save him?' + +'I, lady! I could not have saved him though he had lighted at my foot. I +could do nothing but hide my eyes; and my hands closed so hard, that the +nails drew the very blood!' + +'Dreadful!' I exclaimed, Cecil's infectious horror making the scene +present to me,--'could nobody save him?' + +'Nobody had power to do ought,' answered Cecil, 'save Mr Henry, that's +always ready for good. He spoke with a voice that made the craigs shake +again; and they that saw his eyes, saw the very fire, as he looked +steadily upon Robert, and waved him back with's arm. So then the poor +lad was not so _un_sensible, but he knew to do _his_ bidding, for +they're no born that dare gainsay _him_. And then Mr Henry rounded by +the foot of the craig, and up the hill as he'd been a roe; and he caused +Robert go home with him to the Castle, and caused keep him there, +because he could no settle to work. No' that he's _un_sensible, except +when a notion takes him. There's a glen where we were used to make +carkets[18] when we were herds; and he'll no let the childer' pluck so +much as a gowan there; and ever since the lightning tore the great oak, +he'll sit beside her sometimes the summer's day, and calls her always +"Poor Robert."' + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 5: Is fuar gaoth nan coimheach.] + +[Footnote 6: The down of a plant.] + +[Footnote 7: Sgoltich suil a chlach.] + +[Footnote 8: Elfin _arrow_; more properly, elfin 'bolt.' The Gaelic term +signifies, 'that which can be darted with destructive force;' there is, +therefore, no reason to expect, that these weapons should be feathered +and barbed like common arrows. These bolts are believed to be discharged +by fairies with deadly intent. Nevertheless, when once in the possession +of mortals, they are accounted talismans against witchcraft, evil eyes, +and elfish attacks. They are especially used in curing all such diseases +of cattle as may have been inflicted by the malice of unholy powers. + +The author is in possession of one of these talismans; which +connoisseurs affirm to be no common elfin arrow, but the weapon of an +elf of dignity. It was hurled at a country beauty, whose charms had +captivated the Adonis of the district. The elf being enamoured of this +swain, projected a deadly attack upon her rival. But these arrows are +lethal only when they smite the uncovered skin. This proved the security +of the Gaelic Phillis. The weapon struck her petticoat; she instantly +possessed herself of the talisman, and was ever afterwards invulnerable +to the attacks of fairies. + +Within these twenty years, a staunch Highlander contrived to make her +way into a bridal chamber; and, slitting the bride's new corsets, +introduced an elfin arrow between the folds. The lady, feeling some +inconvenience from this unusual addition to her dress, removed the +charm; in consequence of which rash act she has proved childless!] + +[Footnote 9: A common term of endearment--literally, 'Calf of my +heart.'] + +[Footnote 10: Low-spirited.] + +[Footnote 11: Cut her turf for firing.] + +[Footnote 12: Related.] + +[Footnote 13: One who has the second-sight.] + +[Footnote 14: Until very lately, no unmarried woman in the Highlands +wore any covering on the head; not even at church, or in the open air. A +_snood_, or bandeau of riband or worsted tape, was the only head-dress +for maidens. On the morning after marriage, the cap or curch was put on +with great ceremony, and the matron never again appeared without this +badge of subjection. + +In some parts of the Highlands it is still customary to delay the +wedding for weeks, often for months after the ceremony of marriage has +taken place. The interval is spent by the bride in preparing her bed, +bedding, &c. which it is always her part to supply. The wedding is, with +a coolness of calculation which might satisfy Mr Malthus, generally +postponed till the end of harvest, when labour is scarce, and provisions +plentiful. About a week before the bride's removal to her new home, the +bridegroom and she go separately to invite their acquaintance, sometimes +to the number of hundreds, to the wedding. The bride's approach to her +future dwelling is preceded by that of her household stuff; which +affords the grand occasion of display for Highland vanity. The furniture +is carefully exhibited upon a cart; always surmounted by a +spinning-wheel, the _rock_ loaded with as much lint as it can carry. It +is accompanied by the bride's nearest female relative, and attended by a +piper to announce its progress. The procession is met and welcomed by +the bridegroom and a few select friends. + +The ceremonial of the wedding is conducted exactly according to Cecil's +statement. + +The next morning, the matrons of the neighbourhood commence a visiting +acquaintance, by breakfasting with the married pair; each bringing with +her a present suited to her means, such as lint, pieces of linen, or +dishes of various sorts. Some of these good women generally 'busk the +bride's first curch.' The hair, which the day before hung down in +tresses mixed with riband, is now rolled tightly up on a wooden bodkin, +and fixed on the top of the head. It is then covered with the curch; a +square piece of linen doubled diagonally, and passed round the head +close to the forehead. Young women fasten the ends behind; the old wear +them tied under the chin. The corner behind hangs loosely down. Thus +attired, the bride sits in state, without engaging in any occupation +whatever, until she be 'kirked.' If, however, it happens that the parish +church is vacant, or if it be otherwise inconvenient to attend public +worship, this ceremony can be supplied by her walking three times round +the church, or any of the consecrated ruins with which the Highlands +abound.] + +[Footnote 15: Household furniture.] + +[Footnote 16: Latewake. Watching a corpse before interment. Dancing on +these occasions was once customary, though this practice is now +discontinued. + +'It was a mournful kind of movement, but still it was dancing. The +nearest relation of the deceased often began the ceremony weeping; but +did, however, begin it, to give the example of fortitude and +resignation.'--_Mrs Grant's Essays on the Superstitions of the +Highlanders_, vol. i, p. 188.] + +[Footnote 17: The Dark Den.] + +[Footnote 18: Garlands of flowers for the neck.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + _Not quite an idiot; for her busy brain + Sought, by poor cunning, trifling points to gain; + Success in childish projects her delight._ + + _----So weak a mind, + No art could lead, and no compulsion bind. + The rudest force would fail such mind to tame, + And she was callous to rebuke and shame._ + + Crabbe. + + +Cecil's tale, which included all the evening festivities,--the +ball,--the throwing of the stocking, and the libation of whisky, which +was dashed over the married pair, detained me so long, that Mrs Boswell +and my pupil were at home an hour before me. Mrs Boswell, however, +received me with her usual simper; and suffered the evening to arrive +before she began to investigate, with great contrivance and +circumlocution, the cause of my unusual absence. Though provoked at her +useless cunning, I readily told her where I had been. But, though the +lady had taken me into high favour, and made me the depository of fifty +needless secrets, I saw that she did not believe a word of my statement; +for Mrs Boswell was one of the many whose defects of the head create a +craving for a confidant, while those of the heart will never allow them +to confide. Perceiving that my word was doubted, I disdained further +explanation; and suffered Mrs Boswell to hint and soliloquise without +deigning reply. + +The little dingy cloud, which scarcely added to their accustomed +dulness, was beginning to settle on the features of my hostess, when +another attack was made upon her good humour. My pupil, in a romping +humour which I could not always restrain, pulled out the comb that +confined my hair; which unfortunately extorted from Mr Boswell a +compliment on its luxuriance and beauty. Now Mrs Boswell's _chevelure_ +happened to have an unlucky resemblance to that of a dancing-bear; a +circumstance which I verily believe her poor husband had forgotten, when +he incautiously expressed admiration of auburn curls. The lady's face +was for once intelligible; her lips grew actually livid; and for some +moments she seemed speechless. At last she broke forth. 'Her hair may +well be pretty,' said she; 'I am sure it costs her pains enough.' + +With a smile, more I fear of sarcasm than of good-humour, I thanked her +for helping me to some merit, where I was ignorant that I could claim +any. Mrs Boswell, either fearing to measure her powers of impertinence +with mine, or finding sullenness the most natural expression of her +displeasure, made no reply; but sat for a full hour twisting the corner +of her pocket-handkerchief, without raising her eyes, or uttering a +syllable. At last, she suddenly recovered her spirits; and for the rest +of the evening was remarkably gracious and entertaining. + +I was not yet sufficiently acquainted with Mrs Boswell to perceive any +thing ominous in this change. The next day, however, while I was alone +with my pupil, the child began to frolic round me with a pair of +scissors in her hand; making a feint, as if in sport, to cut off my +hair. A little afraid of such a play-thing, I desired her to desist; +speaking to her, as I always did, in a tone of kindness. 'Would you be +very sorry,' said she, clasping her arms round my neck, and speaking in +a half whisper, 'very, very sorry if all your pretty curls were cut +off?' + +'Indeed, Jessie,' answered I smiling, 'I am afraid I should; more sorry +than the matter would deserve.' + +'Then,' cried the child, throwing away the scissors, 'I won't never cut +off your hair; not though I should be bid a thousand thousand times.' + +'Bid!' repeated I, thrown off my guard by astonishment; 'who could bid +you do such a thing?' + +'Ah! I must not tell you that, unless you were to promise upon your +word----' + +'No,' interrupted I. 'Do not tell me. Be honourable in this at least. +And another time, if you wish to injure me, do so openly. I will endure +all the little evil in your power to inflict, rather than you should +grow up in the habits of cunning.' + +That a mother should thus lay a snare for the rectitude of her child, +must have appeared incredible, could the fact have admitted of a doubt. +I had still too many faults myself to look with calmness upon those of +others; and I was seriously angry. 'How is it possible,' thought I, 'to +form in this child the habits of rectitude, while I am thus provokingly +counteracted; and useless as I am compelled to be, how can I endure to +receive the bread of dependence from a creature whose mischief has +neither bound nor excuse, except in the weakness of her understanding?' +In the height of my indignation, I resolved to upbraid Mrs Boswell with +her baseness and folly, and then resign my hopeless task. But I had so +often and so severely smarted for acting under irritation, that the +lesson had at length begun to take effect; and I recollected that it +might be wise to defer my remonstrances till I could suppress a temper +which was likely to render them both imprudent and useless. I fear my +forbearance was somewhat aided by considering the consequences of +renouncing my present situation. However, when I was cool, I conducted +my reproofs with what I thought great address. I hid my offending +ringlets under a cap, and never more exposed them to the admiration of +Mr Boswell. It would have been mere waste of oratory to harangue to Mrs +Boswell upon the meanness of artifice; and rather uncivil, all things +considered, to talk to her of its inseparable connection with folly; but +I represented to her, that the time might come when her daughter would +turn against her the arts which she had taught. A fool can never divest +an argument of its reference to one particular case. 'If she should cut +off my hair,' said the impracticable Mrs Boswell, 'I shan't care much, +for wigs are coming into fashion.' + +'But if even in trifles she learn to betray, how can you be sure that, +in the most important concerns of life, she will not play the +traitress?' + +'Oh no fear,' cried Mrs Boswell, nodding her head as she always did when +she meant to look sagacious; 'I shall be too knowing for her, I +warrant.' + +'A blessed emulation!' thought I. + +Our dialogue was interrupted by the entrance of Mr Boswell, whose +features seemed animated by some incipient scheme. He took his place +beside his mate, and forthwith began to toy and flatter; looking, +however, as if he would fain have ventured to change the subject. At +length the secret came forth. He had met a college companion, with whom +he had a great inclination to dine that day. Mrs Boswell said nothing; +but she looked denial. Mr Boswell sat silent for a little, and then +renewed his manoeuvres. The praises of a favourite cap soothed the lady +into quiescence; for good-humour is too lively a term to express the +more amiable turns of Mrs Boswell's temper. The petitioner seized the +favourite moment. 'I should really like to dine with poor Tom Hamilton +to-day,' said he. + +'Poor fiddlesticks!' returned the polite wife. 'What have you to do +dining with Tom Hamilton?' + +'I don't know, my love: we have not met for twenty years; and he pressed +me so much to come and talk over old stories, that--that I was obliged +to give him a kind of half-promise.' + +'Nonsense!' quoth the lady, with a decisive tone and aspect; and poor Mr +Boswell, with a sigh of resignation, moved his chair towards the +fire-place, and began to draw figures in the ashes. + +Whether this operation assisted his courage, I know not; but, in about +ten minutes, he told me, in a half whisper, 'that, if I would entertain +Mrs Boswell, he rather thought he would dine with Tom Hamilton.' + +'And why should you not? For a husband to go out, it is sufficient that +he wills it,' said I; parodying a maxim which was at that time the +watchword of a more important revolt. I fancy the smile which +accompanied my words was, for the moment, more terrific to Mr Boswell +than his lady's frown, for he instantly left us; and having secured his +retreat beyond the door, put his head back into the room, saying, with a +farewell nod, and a voice of constrained ease. '_Au revoir_, my darling! +I dine with Hamilton.' + +'Why, Mr Boswell!' screamed the wife, in a tone between wrath and +amazement; but the rebel was beyond recall. + +The lady was forthwith invested with an obstinate fit of the sullens. +Considering me as the cause of her husband's misconduct, she suffered +dinner and some succeeding hours to pass without deigning me even a look +or a word. My forte, certainly, was not submission; therefore, after +speaking to her once or twice without receiving an answer, I made no +further effort to soothe her, but amused myself with reading, work, or +music, exactly as if Mrs Boswell's chair had been vacant. She made +several attempts to disturb my amusement: she spilled the ink upon my +clothes. But though she made no apology, I assured her, with wicked +good-humour, that a farthing's worth of spirit of salt would repair the +disaster. She beat poor Fido; yet even this did not provoke me to speak. +She could not make me angry; because, by showing me that such was her +purpose, she engaged my pride to disappoint her. Left to itself, her +temper at last made a tolerable recovery; or, rather, she spared me, +that she might discharge its full venom upon Mr Boswell. + +At a late hour the culprit returned; fortified, as it appeared, by a +double allowance of claret, but in high spirits and good-humour. +Forgetting that he was in disgrace, he walked as directly as he could +towards his offended fair; and, with a look of stupid kindness, offered +her his hand. The lady flounced away with great disdain. 'Come now, my +darling,' stammered the husband, coaxingly; 'don't be cross. Be a good +girl, and give me a kiss.' + +'Brute!' replied the judicious wife, giving him a push, which, with the +help of the extra bottle, made him stagger to the other side of the +room. There he placed himself beside me; protesting that I was a sweet, +lovely, good-humoured creature, and that he was sure I had never been +out of temper in my life; with many other equally well-turned +compliments. This was the consummation of his misdeeds. Mrs Boswell +pulled the bell till the wire broke. 'Put that creature to bed,' said +she to the servant; 'don't you see he's not fit to be any where else?' +Mr Boswell was not so much intoxicated as to be insensible to this +indignity, which he angrily resisted; while, shocked and disgusted +beyond expression, I escaped from the scene of this disgraceful +altercation. + +The next day Mrs Boswell had recourse, as usual, to silent sullenness; +to which she added another mode of tormenting. She constantly held her +handkerchief to her eyes, and affected to shed tears. All this, however, +was reserved for Mr Boswell's presence, as she soon discovered that it +was needless to waste either anger or sensibility upon me. Lest her +distress should not sufficiently aggravate the culprit's self-reproach, +she pretended that her health was affected by her feelings. It was +always one of her Lilliputian ambitions to obtain the reputation of a +feeble appetite. But now this infirmity increased to such a degree, that +Mrs Boswell absolutely could not swallow a morsel; nor, which was much +worse, could she see food tasted by another without demonstrations of +loathing. Nevertheless, she regularly appeared at table; and, for three +days, every meal was disquieted by the landlady's disgust at our +voracity. + +Poor Mr Boswell, now completely quelled, did what man could do to +restore peace and appetite. He coaxed, entreated; and offered her, I +believe, all the compounds recorded in all the cookery books; but in +vain. Deaf as the coldest damsel of romance to the prayer of offending +love was Mrs Boswell. She retained her youthful passion for sweetmeats; +and her good-natured husband came one morning into her dressing-room +fraught with such variety of confections, that I was surprised at the +self-command with which she refused them all. I could not help laughing +to see him court the great baby with sugar-plums; she answering, like +any other spoilt child, only by twisting her face, and thrusting forward +her shoulder; nor was my gravity at all improved when Fido, making his +way into some concealment, drew forth the remains of a portly sirloin. + +Mr Boswell looked as if he would fain have joined in my laugh; but he +foresaw the coming storm, and prudently effected his retreat. Mrs +Boswell's face grew livid with rage. She snatched the poker; and would +have struck the poor animal dead, had I not arrested her arm. 'Stop, +woman!' said I, in a voice at which I myself was almost startled; +'degrade yourself no further.' It is not the rage of such a creature as +Mrs Boswell that can resist the voice of stern authority. Her eye fixed +by mine as by the gaze of a rattle-snake, she timidly laid aside her +weapon; and shrunk back, muttering that she did not mean to hurt my dog. + +From that time Mrs Boswell discovered a degree of enmity towards the +poor animal, which I could not have imagined even her to feel towards +any thing less than a moral agent. Not that she avowed her antipathy; +but I now knew her well enough to detect it even in the caresses which +she bestowed on him. She was constantly treading on him, scalding him, +tormenting him in every possible way, all by mere accident; and if I +left him within her reach, I was sure to be recalled by his howlings. +The poor animal cowered at the very sight of her. At last he was +provoked to avail himself of his natural means of defence; and one +evening, when she had risen from her sofa on purpose to stumble over +him, he bit her to the bone. + +The moment she recovered from the panic and confusion which this +accident occasioned, she insisted upon having the animal destroyed, upon +the vulgar plea, that, if he should ever go mad, she must immediately be +affected with hydrophobia. Pitying her uneasiness, I at first tried to +combat this ridiculous idea; but I soon found that she was determined to +resist conviction. 'All I said might be true, but she had heard of such +things; and, for her part, she should never know rest or peace, while +the life of that animal left the possibility of such a horrible +catastrophe.' At last I was obliged to tell her peremptorily that +nothing should induce me to permit the destruction of my poor old +favourite,--the relic of better times, the last of my friends. I +humoured her folly, however, so far as to promise that I would find a +new abode for him on the following day. Mrs Boswell was relentlessly +sullen all the evening; but I was inflexible. + +The only way which occurred to me of disposing of poor Fido was to +commit him to the care of Cecil Graham, at least till she should leave +Edinburgh. In the morning, therefore, I prepared for a walk, intending +to convey my favourite to his new protectress. My pupil was, as usual +eager to accompany me; and when I refused to permit her, she took the +course which had often led her to victory elsewhere, and began to cry +bitterly. This, however, was less effectual with me than with her +mother. I persisted in my refusal; telling her that her tears only gave +me an additional motive for doing so, since I loved her too well to +encourage her in fretfulness and self-will. Mrs Boswell, however, moved +somewhat by her child's lamentations, but more by rivalry towards me, +soothed and caressed the little rebel; and finally insisted that I +should yield the point. Angry as I was, I commanded my temper +sufficiently to let the mother legislate for her child; and submitted in +silence. But when we were about to set out, Fido was no where to be +found. After seeking him in vain, I would have given up my expedition; +but Mrs Boswell would not suffer Jessie to be disappointed, so we +departed. + +I found Cecil's apartment vacant, and all its humble furniture removed. +I comprehended that she had returned to her native wilds; and I felt +that the connection must be slight indeed which we can without pain see +broken for ever! She was gone, and had not left among the thousands, +whose hum even now broke upon my ear, one being who would bestow upon me +a wish or a care. 'Poor feeble Ellen!' said I to myself, as I dashed the +tears from my eyes, 'where foundest thou the disastrous daring which +could once renounce the charities of nature, and spurn the intercourse +of thy kind?' + +A natural feeling leading me to enquire into the particulars of Cecil's +departure, I made my way to an adjoining apartment, which was occupied +by another family. + +On my first entrance, the noisome atmosphere almost overcame me; and, +unwilling to expose my little charge to its effects, I desired her to +remain without, and wait my return; but her morning's lesson of +disobedience had not been lost, and I presently found her at my side. + +In answer to my enquiries, the people of the house told me that Cecil +had been gone for several days; but as to the particulars of her fate, +they showed an ignorance and unconcern scarcely credible in persons who +had lived under the same roof. Disgusted with all I saw, I was turning +away; when a groan, which seemed to issue from a darker part of the +room, drew my steps towards a wretched bed, where lay a young woman in +the last stage of disease. I had enquired whether she had any medical +assistance, and been answered that she had none,--I had bent over her +for some minutes, touched the parched skin, and tried to count the +fluttering pulse--before, my eye accommodating itself to the obscurity, +I perceived the unconscious gaze and flushed cheek which indicate +delirious fever. I turned hastily away; but more serious alarm took +possession of me, when I observed that my pupil had followed me close to +the bed-side, and in childish curiosity was inhaling the very breath of +infection. I instantly hurried her away, and returned home. + +Though expecting that Mrs Boswell would throw upon me the blame which +more properly belonged to herself, I did not hesitate to acquaint her +with this accident; begging her to advise with the family surgeon +whether any antidote could still be applied. But Mrs Boswell was touched +with a more lively alarm than poor Jessie's danger could awaken. 'Bless +me!' she cried, 'did you touch the woman? Pray don't come near me. +Campbell! get me ever so much vinegar. Pray go away, Miss Percy. I would +not be near a person that had the fever for the whole world.' + +'Were every one of your opinion, madam,' said I, 'a fever would be +almost as great a misfortune as infamy itself; but since you are so +apprehensive, Jessie and I will remain above stairs for the rest of the +day.' + +At the door of my apartment I found poor Fido extended, stiff and +motionless. Startled by somewhat unnatural in his posture, I called to +him. The poor animal looked at me, but did not stir. 'Fido!' I called +again, stooping to pat his head. He looked up once more; wagged his +tail; gave a short low whine; and died. + +Many would smile were I to describe what I felt at that moment; and yet +I believe there are none who could unmoved lose the last memorial of +friend and parent, or part unmoved with the creature which had sported +with their infancy, and grown old beneath their care. Fido was my last +earthly possession. Besides him I had nothing. I thank Heaven that the +greater part of my kind must look back to the deprivations of early +childhood, ere they can know what a melancholy value this single +circumstance gives to what is in itself of little worth. + +My feelings took a new turn, when it suddenly occurred to me that my +poor old favourite owed his death not to disease, but to poison. His +appearance, as well as the suddenness of his death, confirmed the +suspicion. Strong indignation already working in my breast, I hastened +to question the servants. They all denied the deed; but with such +reservations, as showed me that they at least guessed at the +perpetrator. Breathless with resentment, and with a vain desire to vent +it all, yet to vent it calmly, I entered Mrs Boswell's apartment, and +steadily questioned her upon the fact. Mrs Boswell forgot her late +alarm, or rather my flashing eye was for a moment an over-match for the +fever. She changed colour more than once; but she answered me with that +forced firmness of gaze, which often indicates determined falsehood. +'She could not imagine who could do such a thing. She could not believe +that the animal was poisoned. She did not suppose that any of the +servants would venture. In short, she was persuaded that Fido died a +natural death.' + +'That shall be examined into,' said I, still looking at her in stern +enquiry. Again she changed colour, and resumed her denials, but with a +more restless and evasive aspect. Presently my glance followed hers to +some papers which lay upon the table. I saw her as if by accident cover +them with her hand, then dexterously throw them upon the ground; and she +was just endeavouring to conceal them with her foot when I snatched up +one of them. I observed that it had been the envelope of a small parcel; +and turning the reverse, saw that it was marked with the word 'arsenic.' + +Dumb for a moment with unutterable scorn, I merely presented the paper +to Mrs Boswell, and hearing her stammer out some lying explanation, +turned in disgust away. But indignation again supplied me with words. +'Find another instructor for your child, Mrs Boswell,' said I; 'I will +no longer tell her to despise treachery, and falsehood, and cruelty, +lest I teach her to scorn her mother.' + +Then, without waiting reply, I left the room. + +'Dost thou well to be angry?' said my conscience, as soon as she had +time to speak. I answered, as every angry woman will answer, 'Yes. I do +well to be angry. Vile were the spirit that would not stir against such +inhuman baseness!' This was well spoken,--perhaps it was well felt. Yet +I would advise all lofty spirits to be abstemious in their use of noble +indignation. It borders too nearly on their prevailing sin. + +I soon recollected, that I had renounced my only means of support; but +it is a feeble passion which cannot justify its own acts. 'Better so,' +said I, 'than receive the bread of dependence from one whom I ought to +despise; or cling to an office in which I can perform nothing.' + +I began, however, to look with some uneasiness to the consequences of my +rashness. I had neither home, property, nor friends. That which gives +independence--the only real independence--to the poorest menial, was +wanting to me; for I had neither strength for bodily labour, nor +resolution to endure want. Nor could I claim the irresistible +consolation of tracing, in the circumstances of my lot, the arrangements +of a Father's wisdom. My own temerity had shaped my fate. My own +impatience of human wickedness and folly was about to cut me off from +human support; and I, who had no forbearance for the weakness of my +brethren, was about to try what strength was in myself. + +All this might perhaps pass darkly through my mind, but was not +permitted to take a determinate form. The sin, whatever it be, which +easily besets us, is to each of us the arch-deceiver. It is the first +which the Christian renounces in general, the last which he learns to +detect in its particulars. I had resolved to call my self-will 'virtuous +indignation;' for indeed my ruling frailty has had, in its time, as many +styles and titles as any ruler upon earth, though seldom like them +designed by its _Christian_ name. + +It was an obvious escape from examining the past, to anticipate the +future. I had some experience of the difficulties which awaited me; and +knew how little my merits, such as they were, would avail towards the +advancement of an unfriended stranger. Yet the fearless buoyancy of my +temper supported me. I had now spent in Mrs Boswell's family three +months of weariness and drudgery, for which I had received no +remuneration; I concluded, of course, that she was my debtor for some +return, however small. Upon this sum I expected to subsist till some +favourable change should take place in my situation. How or whence this +change should come, I fancy I should have been puzzled to divine; so I +was content with assuring myself that come it certainly would. + +At the beginning of my connection with Mrs Boswell, I had, with more +politeness than prudence, submitted the recompense of my services to her +decision. From that time she seemed to have forgotten the subject; and +delicacy, or perhaps pride, forbade me to bring it to her recollection. +It was now absolutely necessary to surmount this feeling; but it was +surmounted in vain. Mrs Boswell reminded me, that I had stipulated for +protection only; and declared, that she understood me as engaged to +serve her without any other reward. Confounded as I was at her meanness +and effrontery, I yet retained sufficient command of temper to address a +civil appeal to a faculty which, in Mrs Boswell's mind, was an absolute +blank; but argument was vain, and my only resource was an application to +Mr Boswell. + +Well knowing that his lady's presence would give a fatal bias to the +scales of justice, I requested to speak with him in private. Unwilling +to shock him by a detail of his wife's baseness, I assigned no reason +for the resolution which I announced of quitting his family. I merely +submitted to his arbitration the misunderstanding which had arisen in +regard to the terms of my servitude. I had reason to be flattered by the +regret, perhaps I might rather say dismay, with which the good man heard +of my intended removal. With every expression of affectionate and +fatherly regard he entreated me to reconsider my purpose. He assured me, +that it was the first wish of his heart that his child should resemble +me; he said, that he could neither hope nor even desire to see another +obtain such influence as I had already gained over her; and that all his +prospects of comfort depended on the use of this influence. 'I need not +affect to disguise from you, my dear Miss Percy,' said he, 'that Mrs +Boswell, however willing, is not likely to assist much in forming +Jessie's temper and manners. The variableness of her spirits----' + +'Spirits!' repeated I involuntarily. + +'Well,' resumed Mr Boswell with a heavy sigh, 'perhaps I should rather +have said temper. But whatever it be, the more useless it makes her to +Jessie, and the more vexatious to me, the more have we both need of that +delightful gaiety, that blessed sweetness which breathes peace and +cheerfulness wherever you come. Dear Miss Percy, say that you will +remain with my girl, that you will teach her to be as delightful as +yourself, and you will repay me for ten of the most comfortless years +that ever a poor creature spent.' + +Somewhat embarrassed by this strange sort of confidence, I answered, +that were I to accept the trust he offered I should only disappoint his +expectations, since all my influence with my pupil was as nothing +compared with that which was thrown into the opposite scale. I therefore +renewed my request, that he would enable me immediately to relinquish my +charge. + +Mr Boswell employed all his rhetoric to change my resolution, but I was +inflexible. 'Well, well!' said he at last, with a sigh and a shrug, 'I +see how it is. The same confounded nonsense that has driven every +comfort from my doors for these ten years past is driving you away too. +Well, well! Hang me if I can help it. A man must submit to any thing for +the sake of peace.' + +'Undoubtedly,' said I, suppressing a smile; 'while he finds that he +actually reaps that fruit from his submission.' + +'Why as to that I can't say much. But bad as matters are, they might be +worse if I were as determined to have my own way as my wife is. I have +tried it once or twice, indeed; but--really her perseverance is most +wonderful!' Mr Boswell pursued the subject at great length; labouring to +convince me, or rather to convince himself, that where submission was +unattainable on the one side, the defect ought to be supplied by the +other; always inferring, from the necessary unhappiness of this +situation, that I ought not, by my departure, to deprive him of his only +remaining comfort. All he could obtain, however, was my consent to +continue in his family for a few days longer. In return, he promised the +full discharge of my claim upon Mrs Boswell, as soon as he should find +means to dispose of such a sum _peaceably_; that is, as soon as he could +by stealth abstract so much of his own property. + +I suppose the pleasures of complaint increase in proportion to the folly +and impropriety of complaining. I never could otherwise account for the +frequent lamentations over the perfidy of lovers and the obduracy of +parents; nor imagine any other reason why Mr Boswell, having once +entered on the subject of his conjugal distresses, returned to it on +every possible occasion. In his wife's presence it was recalled to my +recollection by cautious hints, and by significant sighs and looks. In +her absence the theme seemed inexhaustible. + +The embarrassment inflicted on me by this continual reference to a +secret was increased, when I perceived that Mrs Boswell, whose jealousy +in this instance supplied her want of penetration, suspected some +intelligence between her husband and myself. She was now, indeed, under +a stubborn fit of taciturnity; but I had at last learnt to read a +countenance which never forsook its stony blank, except to express some +modification of malevolence. I alarmed Mr Boswell into more caution; but +when the lady's suspicions once were roused, it was not in the most +guarded prudence, nor in the most open simplicity of conduct, to lull +them. + +Unfortunately Mr Boswell and I soon found a more legitimate subject of +sympathy. The very day after her ill-fated visit to the abode of +disease, poor Jessie showed symptoms of infection; and before the week +expired, was pronounced to be in extreme danger. The mother, on this +occasion, showed a degree of anxiety, which was wonderful in Mrs +Boswell. She sent for nurse after nurse, and for doctors innumerable. +She made diligent enquiry after a fortune-teller, to unveil the fate of +her child; and she actually shed tears when the fire emitted a splinter +which she called a coffin. Stronger minds than Mrs Boswell's become +superstitious, when their most important concerns depend upon +circumstances over which they have no control. Finally, she questioned +every member of the family concerning the best cure for a fever, and +insisted that all their prescriptions should be applied. Fortunately, +however, no consideration could prevail upon her to superintend the +application. To approach the infected chamber, she would have thought +nothing less than _felo de se_;--therefore the poor little sufferer was +spared many unnecessary torments. + +Mrs Boswell carried her dread of infection so far, that she would hold +no direct communication with any one who entered the sick room; and she +positively forbade her husband to approach his suffering child. But to +this interdiction the father could not submit. His visits were stolen, +indeed, but they were frequent; and he evinced on these occasions a +sensibility which could scarcely have been expected from the easy +indifference of his general temper. Often, while others were at rest, +did the father hang over the sick bed of his child; offer the draught to +her parched lips; and shed upon her altered face the tear of him who +trembles for his only hope. + +To his kindness and his sorrow she was alike insensible. Her fondness +for me seemed the only recollection which her delirium had spared. She +would accept of no sustenance except from my hand. If I was withdrawn +from her sight, her eye wandered in restless search of something +desired; though when I appeared, it often fixed on me with a +heart-breaking vacancy of gaze. Thus circumstanced, I could no longer +think of deserting her. Indeed I never quitted her even for an hour; and +when wearied out I sunk to sleep, it was only to start again at her +slightest summons. These attentions, which I must have been a savage to +withhold, extorted from Mr Boswell the warmest expressions of +gratitude;--gratitude, which springs so readily in every human heart, +yet so rarely takes root there, and so very rarely becomes fruitful. + +'God, reward thee, blessed creature!' said he once, when late in the +night we were separating at the door of the sick-room, where he had been +sharing the vigils of the nurse and me. 'My child's own mother forsakes +her, while you!--God reward you.' As he spoke, he clasped my hand +between his, and fervently pressed his lips to my forehead. But I +started with a confusion like that of detected guilt, when I perceived, +at a little distance, the half-concealed face of Mrs Boswell, scowling +malignity and detection. Whilst I stood for a moment in motionless +expectation of what was to follow, she darted forward, undressed as she +was; her lip quivering, her face void of all colour except a line of +strong scarlet bordering her eyelids. 'Mighty well!' cried she, in +accents half choked by something between a hysterical giggle and a sob. +'Mighty well, indeed! I knew how it was! I have seen it all well enough. +But I'm not such a fool as you think! I won't endure it--that I won't.' + +Provoked by the recollection that this degrading remonstrance was +uttered within hearing of a domestic, I looked towards Mr Boswell for +defence; but seeing him cower like a condemned culprit, I was obliged to +answer for myself. 'What will you not endure, madam?' said I. 'Your own +preposterous fancy?--I know of nothing else that you have to endure.' + +Mrs Boswell's natural cowardice always took part against her with a +resolute antagonist. 'I am sure,' said she, whimpering between fear and +wrath, 'I don't want to have any words with you, Miss Percy--only I +wish--I am sure it would be very obliging if you would go quietly out of +this house--and not stay here enticing other people's husbands----' + +At this coarse accusation, the indignant blood rose to my forehead. But +the provocation was great enough to remind me that this was a fit +occasion of forbearance; and I subdued my voice and countenance into +stern composure, while I said, 'Woman! I would answer you, were I sure +of speaking only what a Christian ought to speak.' Then turning from +her, I took refuge from further insult in the apartment which I knew she +did not dare to approach. + +There I sat down to consider what course I should pursue, I had been +insolently forbidden the house; and every moment that I remained in it +might subject me to new affront. The very attendants in the sick-room +could, with difficulty, restrain the merriment excited by Mrs Boswell's +ridiculous attack; and I felt as if the impertinence of their +half-suppressed smiles was partly directed against me. They had heard my +dismission; and every instant that I delayed to avail myself of it +seemed a new degradation. The most rooted passion of my nature, +therefore, urged my immediate departure; but I had now learned to lend a +suspicious ear to its suggestions. 'I shall never be humble,' thought I, +'if I resist every occasion of humiliation;' and when I looked upon the +altered countenance of my poor little charge, I could have endured any +thing rather than have withdrawn its last comfort from her ebbing life. +I resumed my place by her side, resolved never voluntarily to quit her +while my cares could administer to her relief. + +My task was now of short duration. The very next day the physician +informed me that the crisis of the disorder was at hand; and that an +hour which he named would either bring material amendment, or lasting +release from suffering. I entreated that the anxiety of the parents +might not be aggravated by a knowledge of this circumstance; and +undertook myself to watch the event of the critical hour. + +The day passed in silent suspense. Mrs Boswell did not dare to approach +me; and she contrived, by what means I know not, to keep her husband +away. I was truly thankful to be thus spared from contest; for I had +begun to feel the consequences of breathing the polluted air of +confinement. A heavy languor was upon me. My eyes turned pained from the +light. I was restless; yet I moved uneasily, for my limbs seemed +burdened beyond their strength. In vain I tried to struggle against +these harbingers of disease. Infection had done its work, and my +disorder increased every hour. The physician, at this evening visit, +observing my haggard looks, desired that I should immediately endeavour +to obtain some rest. But to sleep during the hour that was to decide +poor Jessie's fate, I should at any time have found impossible. I +watched her till the appointed time was past; saw her drop into the +promised sleep; sat motionless beside her during the anxious hours of +its continuance; and, with a joy which brightened even the progress of +disease, beheld her lifting upon me once more the eye of intelligence, +and beaming upon me once more the smile of ease. + +Thinking only of the joyful news I had to tell, I ran to enquire for Mr +Boswell. He was in his dressing-room; and thither I hastened to seek +him. I entered; and told my tale, I know not how. 'Thank God!' the +father tried to say, but could not. He burst into tears. The first +words he spoke blessed me for having saved his child; the next expressed +his eager wish to see her. We were leaving the dressing-room together, +when we met Mrs Boswell. Her face growing livid with rage, and her voice +sharpening to something like the scream of a Guinea fowl, she exclaimed, +'Well! if this is not beyond every thing! To go into his very room! You +are a shameless, abominable man, Mr Boswell. But I will be revenged on +you--that I will.' + +'I went into Mr Boswell's room, madam,' interrupted I, calmly, 'to tell +him that his daughter is out of immediate danger; and I was just going +to convey the same news to you.' + +'Oh! no doubt but you'll be clever enough to find some excuse. But I +don't wish to have any thing to say to you, Miss Percy,--only I tell you +civilly, go away out of my house. I'm sure the house is my own; and it +is very hard if I can't--so go this moment, I tell you----' + +She had gone too far. The mildest spirits are, when roused, the most +tremendous; and Mr Boswell's was, for the moment, completely roused. +Seizing her with a grasp, which made me tremble, 'Speak that again at +your peril, Mrs Boswell,' said he. 'Her stay depends upon herself, +whilst I have a roof to shelter her.' Then, throwing her from him, he +passed on, whilst I shuddered at perceiving that his grasp had wrung the +blood-drops from her fingers. The poor creature, terrified by this first +instance of violence, stood gazing after him in trembling silence. +'Compose yourself, Mrs Boswell,' said I, as soon as he was out of +hearing; 'I will immediately begone. I staid only for the sake of poor +Jessie; now, nothing would tempt me to remain here another hour.' + +Spent with the exertion which I had made, I could scarcely reach my +chamber. I immediately began to collect my little property for removal; +but before my preparations, trifling as they were, could be finished, my +strength failed, and I sunk upon my bed. + +A strange confusion seemed now to seize me. Black shadows swam before my +eyes, succeeded by glares of bloody light. The hideous phantoms crowded +round me, till my very breathing was oppressed by their numbers; and one +of them, more frightful than the rest, laid on my forehead the weight of +his fiery hand. Then came a confused hope that all was but a frightful +dream, from which I struggled to rouse myself. I spoke, as if my own +voice could dispel the terrible illusion. I endeavoured to rise, that I +might shake off this dreadful sleep. In an instant I was on the brink of +a fearful precipice, from which I shrunk in vain. Hands invisible +hurried me down the fathomless abyss. + +Again I perceived that these horrors were illusory. I strove to convince +myself, that I was indeed in my own chamber, surrounded by objects +familiar to my sight. My mind rallied its last strength, to recall the +remembrance of my situation. Along with this, a dark suspicion of the +truth stole upon me. + +'Merciful Heaven!' I cried, 'are my senses indeed wandering; and must I +be driven forth homeless while fever is raging in my brain! Forbid it! +Oh forbid it!' + +By a violent effort I flung myself on my knees. With an earnestness +which hastened the dreaded evil, I supplicated an escape from this worst +calamity; and implored, that the body might perish before the spirit +were darkened. But ere the melancholy petition was closed, its fervour +had wandered into delirium. + +A time passed which I have no means to measure; and I saw a female form +approach me. She seemed alternately to wear the aspect of my mother and +of Miss Mortimer; yet she rejected my embrace; and when I called her by +their names, she answered not. She clothed me in what seemed the chill +vestments of the grave; she hurried me through the air with the rapidity +of light; then consigned me to two dark and fearful shapes; and again I +was hurried on. + +At last the breath of heaven for a moment cooled my throbbing brow. I +looked up and saw that I was in the hands of two persons of unknown and +rugged countenance. They lifted me into a carriage. It drove off with +distracting speed. + +The succeeding days are a blank in my being. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + _For he has wings which neither sickness, pain, + Nor penury can cripple or confine. + No nook so narrow, but he spreads them there + With ease, and is at large. The oppressor holds + His body bound; but knows not what a range + His spirit takes, unconscious of a chain._ + + Cowper. + + +I was awakened as from the deepest sleep, by a cry wild and horrible. It +was followed by shouts of dissonant laughter, unlike the cheering sounds +of human mirth. They seemed but the body's convulsion, in which the +spirit had no part. I started and listened;--a ceaseless hum of voices +wearied my ear. + +A recollection of the past came upon me, mixed with a strange +uncertainty of my present state. The darkness of midnight was around me; +why then was its stillness broken by more than the discords of day? I +spoke, in hopes that some attendant might be watching my sick-bed;--no +one answered to my call. I half-raised my feeble frame to try what +objects I could discern through the gloom. High above my reach, a small +lattice poured in the chill night wind; but gave no light that could +show aught beyond its own form and position. As I looked fixedly towards +it, I perceived that it was grated. 'Am I then a prisoner?' thought I. +'But it matters not. A narrower cell will soon contain all of poor Ellen +that a prison can confine.' And, worn out with my effort, I laid myself +down with that sense of approaching dissolution, which sinks all human +situations to equality. + +I closed my eyes, and my thoughts now flew unbidden to that unknown +world from which, in these days of levity, they had shrunk affrighted; +and to which, even in better times they had often been turned with +effort. + +Presently a female voice, as if from the adjoining chamber, began a +plaintive song; which now died away, now swelled in mournful caprice, +till, as it approached the final cadence, it wandered with pathetic +wildness into speech. I listened to the hopeless lamentation;--heard it +quicken into rapid utterance, sink into the low inward voice, then burst +into causeless energy;--and I felt that I was near the haunt of madness. +The shuddering of horror came over me for a moment. But one thought +alone has power to darken the departing spirit with abiding gloom. The +worst earthly sorrows play over her as a passing shadow, and are gone. +'Poor maniac!' thought I, 'thou and the genius which now guides and +delights mankind will soon alike be as I am.' + +But why record the feeble disjointed efforts of a soul struggling with +her clog of earth? Oh, had my strivings to enter the strait gate been +_then_ to begin, where should I, humanly speaking, have found strength +for the endeavour? My mind, weakened with my body, could feel, indeed, +but could no longer reason; it could keenly hope and fear, but it could +no longer exercise over thought that guidance which makes thinking a +rational act. Worn out at last with feelings too strong for my frame, I +sunk to sleep; and, in spite of the dreariest sounds which rise from +human misery, slept quietly till morning. + +Then the daylight gave a full view of my melancholy abode. Its extent +was little more than sufficient to contain the low flock-bed on which I +lay. The naked walls were carved with many a quaint device; and one name +was written on them in every possible direction, and joined with every +epithet of endearment. Well may I remember them; for often, often, after +having studied them all, have I turned wearily to study them again. + +As I lay contemplating my prison, a step approached the door; the key +grated in the lock; and a man of a severe and swarthy countenance stood +before me. He came near, and offered me some food of the coarsest kind, +from which my sickly appetite turned with disgust; but when he held a +draught of milk and water to my lips, I eagerly swallowed it, making a +faint gesture of thanks for the relief. The stern countenance relaxed a +little! 'You are better this morning,' said the man. + +'I soon shall be so,' answered I, with a languid smile. + +Without farther conference he was turning to depart; when, recollecting +that I should soon need other cares, and shrinking with womanly +reluctance from owing the last offices to any but a woman, I detained +him by a sign. 'I have a favour to beg of you,' said I. 'I shall not +want many.' + +'Well!' said the man, lingering with a look of idle curiosity. + +'When I am gone,' said I, 'will you persuade some charitable woman to do +whatever must be done for me; for I was once a gentlewoman, and have +never known indignity.' + +The man promised without hesitation to grant my request. Encouraged by +my success, I proceeded. 'I have a friend, too; perhaps you would write +to him.' + +'Oh yes--who is he?' said the man, looking inquisitively. + +'Mr Maitland, the great West India merchant. Tell him that Ellen Percy +died here; and dying, remembered him with respect and gratitude.' + +The man looked at me with a strong expression of surprise, which quickly +gave place to an incredulous smile; then turned away, saying carelessly, +'Oh, yes, I'll be sure to tell him;' and quitted the cell. + +During that day, my trembling hopes, my solemn anticipations, were +interrupted only by the return of the keeper, to bring my food at stated +hours. But on the following day, I became sensible of such amendment, +that the natural love of life began to struggle with the hopes and the +fears of 'untried being.' + +With the prospect of prolonged existence, however, returned those +anxieties which, in one form or another, beset every heart that turns a +thought earthward. The idea of confinement in such a place of +imprisonment, perhaps perpetual, mingled the expectations of recovery +with horror. To live only to be sensible to the death of all my +affections, of all my hopes, of all my enjoyments!--To retain a living +consciousness in that place where was no 'knowledge, nor work, nor +device.'--To look back upon a dreary blank of time, and forward to one +unvaried waste!--To pine for the fair face of nature! perhaps to live +till it was remembered but as a dream! Gracious Heaven! what strength +supported me under such thoughts of horror? Language cannot express the +fearful anxiety with which I awaited the return of the only person who +could relieve my apprehensions. + +The moment he appeared, I eagerly accosted him. 'Tell me,' I cried, 'why +I am here: surely I am no object for such an institution as this. Mr and +Mrs Boswell know that my fever was caught in attending their own +child.' + +'To be sure they do,' said the man soothingly. + +'Why then have they sent me to such a place as this?' + +The man was silent for a moment, and then answered, 'Why, what sort of a +place do you take it for? You don't think this is a madhouse, do you?' +Seeing that I looked at him with surprise and doubt, he added, 'This is +only an asylum, a sort of infirmary for people who have your kind of +fever.' + +I now perceived that he thought it necessary to humour me as a lunatic. +'For mercy's sake,' I cried, 'do not trifle with me. You may easily +convince yourself that I am in perfect possession of my reason; do so +then, and let me be gone. This place is overpowering to my spirits.' + +'The moment you get well,' returned the man coolly, 'you shall go. We +would not keep you after that, though you would give us ever so much. +But I could not be answerable to let you out just now, for fear of +bringing back your fever.' + +With this assurance I was obliged for the present to be contented. Yet a +horrible fear sometimes returned, that he would only beguile me with +false hope from day to day; and when he next brought my homely repast, I +again urged him to fix a time for my release. 'I am recovering strength +so rapidly,' said I, 'that I am sure in a few days I may remove.' + +'Oh yes!' answered he; 'I think in a fortnight at farthest you will be +quite well; provided you keep quiet, and don't fret yourself about +fancies.' + +While he spoke, I fixed my eyes earnestly upon him, to see whether I +could discover any sign of mental reservation; but he spoke with all the +appearance of good faith, and I was satisfied. + +My spirits now reviving with my health and my hopes I endeavoured to +view my condition with something more than resignation. 'Surely,' said I +to myself, 'it should even be my choice to dwell for a time amidst +scenes of humiliation, if here I can find the weapons of my warfare +against the stubborn pride of nature and of habit. And whatever be _my_ +choice, this place has been selected for me by Him whose will is my +improvement. Let me not then frustrate his gracious purpose. Let me +consider what advantage he intends me in my present state. Alas! why +have I so often deferred to seasons of rare occurrence the lessons which +the events of the most ordinary life might have taught me?' + +Carefully I now reviewed my actions, my sentiments, and my purposes, as +they had lately appeared to me in the anticipation of a righteous +sentence. What tremendous importance did each then assume! The work +perhaps of a moment seemed to extend its influence beyond the duration +of worlds. The idle word, uttered with scarcely an effort of the will, +indicated perhaps a temper which might colour the fate of eternity. In a +few days, I learnt more of myself than nineteen years had before taught +me; for the light which gleamed upon me, as it were from another world, +was of power to show all things in their true form and colour. I saw the +insidious nature, the gigantic strength, the universal despotism of my +bosom sin. I saw its power even in actions which had veiled its form; +its stamp was upon sentiments which bore not its name; its impression +had often made even 'the fine gold become dim.' Its baleful influence +had begun in my cradle, had increased through my childhood, had dictated +alike the enmities and the friendships of my youth. It had rejected the +counsels of Miss Mortimer; trifled with the affections of Maitland; +spurned the authority of my father; and hurried me to the brink of a +connection in which neither heart nor understanding had part. It had +embittered the cup of misfortune; poisoned the wounds of treachery; and +dashed from me the cordial of human sympathy. It had withheld gratitude +in my prosperity; it had robbed my adversity of resignation. It had +mingled even with the tears of repentance, while the proud heart +unwillingly felt its own vileness; it had urged, I fear, even the +labours of virtue, with the hope of earning other than unmerited favour. +It had eluded my pursuit, resisted my struggles, betrayed my +watchfulness. It had driven me from an imaginary degradation among 'mine +own people,' to desolation, want, and dependence, among strangers. When +were greater sacrifices extorted by self-denial, that 'lion in the way' +which has scared so many from the paths of peace? Even the employment, +which, by an undeserved good fortune, I had obtained, was degraded into +slavery by the temper which represented my employer as alike below my +gratitude and my indignation; while the pleasure with which pride +contemplates its own eminence had blinded me to the awful danger +denounced against those who cherish habitual contempt for the meanest of +their brethren. + +I now saw that, even with the despised Mrs Boswell, I had need to +exchange forgiveness; since, against the evils which she had inflicted +on me, I had to balance a scorn even more galling than injury. Of the +injustice of this scorn I became sensible, when I considered that it +was directed less against her faults than her understanding; less +against the baseness of her means than the insignificance of her ends; +since what was at once the excuse and the mitigation of her vices formed +the only reason why they were less endurable to me than the craft and +the cruelty of politicians and conquerors. When I remembered that a few +hours of sickness had sufficed to reduce me in intellect far below even +the despised Mrs Boswell; that a derangement of the animal frame, so +minute as to baffle human search, might blot the rarest genius from the +scale of moral being; while I shrunk from the harrowing ravings of +creatures who could once reason and reflect like myself, I felt the +force of the warning which forbids the wise to 'glory in his wisdom.' I +admitted as a principle what I had formerly owned as an opinion, that +the true glory of man consists not in the ingenuity by which he builds +systems, or unlocks the secrets of nature, or guides the opinions of a +wondering world; but in that capacity of knowing, loving, and serving +God, of which all are by nature equally destitute, and which all are +equally and freely invited to receive. + +The reflections of those few days it would require months to record. +They furnished indeed my sole business, devotion my sole pleasure. My +cell contained no object to divert my attention; and the stated returns +of the keeper were the only varieties of my condition. My strength, +however, gradually returned. I was able to rise from my bed, and to +walk, if the size of my apartment had admitted of walking.[19] + +It may well be believed that I counted the hours of my captivity, and I +did not fail to remind the keeper daily of his promise. It was not till +the day preceding that which he had fixed for my liberation, that I +discovered any sign of an intention to retract. + +'To-morrow I shall breathe the air of freedom,' said I to him +exultingly, while I was taking my humble repast. + +'I am sure you have air enough where you are,' returned the man. + +'Oh but you may well imagine how a prisoner longs for liberty!' + +'You are no more a prisoner than any body else that is not well. I am +sure, though I were to let you out, you are not fit to go about yet.' + +'Though you were to----Oh Heaven! you do not mean to detain me still! +You will keep your promise with me!' + +'Oh yes,' said the man, with that voice of horrible soothing which made +my blood run cold; 'never fear, you shall get out to-morrow;' and, +regardless of my endeavours to detain him, he instantly left me. + +'You shall get out to-morrow,' I repeated a thousand times, in +distressful attempt to convince myself that a promise so explicit could +not be broken. Yet the horrible doubt returned again and again. Drops of +agony stood upon my forehead as I looked distractedly upon those narrow +walls, and thought they might inclose me for ever. 'God of mercy,' I +cried, casting myself wildly on my knees, 'wilt thou permit this? Hast +thou supported me hitherto only to forsake me in my extremity of need? +Oh no! I wrong thy goodness by the very thought.' + +Well may our religion be called the religion of hope; for who can +remember that 'unspeakable gift' which every address to Heaven must +recall to the Christian's view, without feeling a trust which outweighs +all causes of fear? By degrees I recovered composure, then hope, then +cheerfulness; and when, at the keeper's evening visit, I had extorted +from him another renewal of his promise, I was so far satisfied as to +prepare myself by a quiet sleep for the trials which awaited my waking. + +The next morning a bright sun was gleaming through my grated window; and +anxiously I watched the lingering progress of its shadow along the wall. +Long, long, I listened for the heavy tread of the keeper; thought myself +sure that his hour of coming was past; and dreaded that his stay was +ominous of evil. When at last I heard the welcome sounds of his +approach, and felt that at last the moment of certainty was come, a +faintness seized me, and I remained motionless, unable to enquire my +doom. + +The man looked keenly at the fixed eye which wanted power to turn from +him. 'I thought as much,' said he triumphantly. 'I'll lay a crown you +don't wish to go out to-day.' + +'Oh yes, indeed!' I cried, starting up with sudden hope and animation: +'I would go this instant!' + +The man again examined my face inquisitively. 'Eat your breakfast then,' +said he, 'and put on these clothes I have brought you. I shall come back +for you presently.' + +Language cannot express the rapture with which I heard this promise. +Overpowered with emotions of joy and gratitude, I sunk at the feet of +the keeper; pouring forth, in the fulness of my heart, blessings made +inarticulate by tears. Then recollecting how my suspicions had wronged +him, 'Pardon me,' I cried, 'oh pardon me, that ever I doubted your word. +I ought to have known that you were too good to deceive me.' + +'Hush! quiet!' said the man knitting his brow, with a frown which forced +the blood back chill upon the throbbing heart; and in a moment he was +gone. + +It was some time before I became composed enough to remember or to +execute the command which I had received; but my mysterious +apprehensions, my tumults of delight giving way to sober certainty, I +changed my dress, and sat down to await the return of my liberator. Then +while I recollected the horrible dread from which I was delivered, the +fate from which I seemed to have escaped, gratitude which could not be +restrained burst into a song of thanksgiving. + +It was interrupted by the return of the keeper, who, without speaking, +threw open the door of my cell, and then proceeded to that of the one +adjoining. I sprung from my prison, and hurried along a passage which +terminated in the open air. + +I presently found myself in a small square court, surrounded by high +walls, and occupied by twenty or thirty squalid beings of both sexes. +Concluding that I had mistaken the way, I returned to beg the directions +of the keeper. 'I am busy just now,' said he, 'so amuse yourself there +for a little; the people are all quite harmless.' + +'Amuse myself!' thought I. 'What strange perversion must have taken +place in the mind which could associate such a scene and such objects +with an idea of amusement!' I had no choice, however; and I returned to +the court. I was instantly accosted by several unfortunate beings of my +own sex, all at once talking without coherence and without pause. In +some alarm I was going to retreat, when a little ugly affected-looking +man approached; and, with a bow which in any other place would have +provoked a smile, desired that he might be allowed the honour of +attending me. Little relieved by this politeness, I was again looking +towards retreat, when the party was joined by a person of very different +appearance from the rest. Large waves of silver hair adorned a face of +green old age, and the lines of deep thought on his brow were relieved +by a smile of perfect benignity; while his air, figure, and attire were +so much those of a gentleman, that I instantly concluded he must be the +visiter, not the inhabitant of such a dwelling. + +Reproving the intrusion of the rest with an authority from which they +all seemed to shrink, he politely offered to attend me; and I accepted +of the escort with a feeling of perfect security. + +While we walked round the court, my companion conversed as if he +believed me also to be a visiter. 'I sometimes indulge in a melancholy +smile,' said he, 'on observing how well the characteristics of the sexes +are preserved even here. The men, you see, are commonly silent and +contemplative, the women talkative and restless. Here, just as in that +larger madhouse, the world, pride makes the men surly and quarrelsome, +while the ladies must be indulged in a little harmless vanity. Now and +then, however, we encroach on your prerogative. The little man, for +instance, who spoke to you just now, fancies that every woman is in love +with him; and that he is detained here by a conspiracy of jealous +husbands.' He proceeded to comment upon the more remarkable cases; +showing such acquaintance with each, that I concluded him to be the +medical attendant of the establishment. This belief inspired me with a +very embarrassing desire to convince him of my sanity; and I endured the +toil of being laboriously wise, while we moralised together on the +various illusions which possessed the people round us, and on the +curious analogy of their freaks to those of the more sober madmen who +are left at large. Some strutted in mock majesty, expecting that all +should do them homage. Some decked themselves with rags, and then +fancied themselves fair. Some made hoards of straws and pebbles, then +called the worthless mass a treasure. Some sported in unmeaning mirth; +while a few ingenious spirits toiled to form baubles, which the rest +quickly demolished; and a few miserable beings sat apart, shrinking from +companions whom they imagined only evil spirits clothed in human form. +In one respect, however, all were agreed. Each scorned or pitied every +form of madness but his own. 'Let us then,' said I, 'be of those who +pity; since we too have probably our points of sanity, though where they +lie we may never know till we reach the land of perfection.' + +'Perfection!' exclaimed my companion; 'is not its dawn arisen on the +earth! Are not the splendours of day at hand? That glorious light! in +which man shall see that his true honour is peace, his true interest +benevolence! Yes, it is advancing; and though the perverseness of the +ignorant and the base have for a time concealed me here, soon shall the +gratitude of a regenerated world call me to rejoice in my own work!' + +'Sir!' said I, startled by this speech, which was pronounced with the +utmost vehemence of voice and manner. + +'Yes!' proceeded he; 'the labours of twenty years shall be repaid! +Punishment and pain shall be banished from the world. A patriarchal +reign of love shall assemble my renovated children around their father +and their friend. All government shall cease. All----' + +'Silence!' cried a voice of tremendous power; and immediately the keeper +stood beside us. He rudely seized the old man's arm, and the flush of +animation was instantly blanched by fear. I saw the reverend form of age +thus bow before brute violence, and I forgot for a moment that I was +powerless to defend. 'Inhuman!' I exclaimed; 'will you not reverence +grey hairs and misfortune?' + +Without deigning me a look, the keeper led his captive away; while I +followed him with eyes in which the tears of alarm now mingled with +those of pity. He presently returned, and sternly commanded me to go +with him. Eager as I was for my dismission, I yet trembled while I +obeyed. We reached the door of my cell; and though I expected to pass +it, I involuntarily recoiled. 'Go in!' said the keeper, in a voice of +terrible authority. + +'Here!' I exclaimed, with a start of agony. 'Oh, Heaven! did you not +say--did you not promise----' + +'Ay, ay,' interrupted the man; 'but I must see you a little quieter +first. Get in, get in!' + +'No, no! I will not! Though I perish, I will not!' + +A withering smile crossing that dark countenance, he seized me with a +force which reduced me to the helplessness of infancy; and regardless of +the shriek wrung from me by hopeless anguish, he bore me into the cell, +shook off my imploring hold, and departed. I heard the dreary creaking +of the bolt; and I heard no more. I fell down senseless. + +When I revived, I found myself supported by the arm of a person who was +administering restoratives to me. The first accents to which I were +sensible were those of the keeper; who said, as if in answer to some +question, 'She has been almost as high this morning ever.' + +'So, so!' returned the other. 'Well! she'll do for the present, so I +must be gone. Keep an eye on her, and tell me how she comes on. And +harkye, give her a better place--if they don't pay for it, I will. I am +sure she is a gentlewoman.' + +In the hope that I might now effectually appeal to justice or to pity, I +made a strong effort to rouse myself; but my compassionate attendant +was gone. The keeper, however, who perhaps was severe only from a +mistaken sense of duty, had been alarmed into treating me with more +caution. He watched me till I was completely revived; and as soon as I +could make the necessary exertion, removed me to a different part of the +building. + +My new place of confinement, though somewhat larger and better furnished +than the first, was equally contrived to prevent all chance of escape. +But I quickly discovered that I had, by the change, gained a treasure, +which, whoever would estimate, must like me be cut off from the +sympathies of living being. A swallow had built her nest in my window. I +saw her feed her nurslings day by day. I watched her leaving her nest, +and longed for her return. Her twittering awoke me every morning; and I +knew the chirp which invited her young to the food she had brought. +Their first flight was an event in my life as well as in theirs; for the +interests of kindred are scarcely stronger than those which we take in +the single living thing, however mean, whose feelings we can make our +own. + +Meanwhile I learnt from the keeper that the person to whose humanity I +owed the improvement in my situation was the surgeon who attended the +institution; and I looked forward to his next visit with all the +eagerness of hope. Remembering, however, the dependence he had shown on +the keeper's information, I became doubly anxious to remove the +impression which I saw was entertained against the soundness of my mind. +Alas! I forgot that it is not for the prejudiced eye to detect the +almost imperceptible bound which separates soundness of mind from +insanity. + +'You assure me,' said I, one day, to my inexorable gaoler, 'that you +have no instructions to detain me here, and you promise that I shall be +dismissed the moment I am well: tell me how you propose to ascertain my +recovery.' + +'Oh, no fear but I shall know that before you know it yourself.' + +'But what reason have you to doubt that I am already in perfect +possession of my senses? I speak rationally enough.' + +'Oh ay, I can't say but you have spoken rationally enough these three or +four days. They all do that, at times.' + +'What other proof of my recovery can you expect? Here I have no means of +proving it by my actions.' + +'Well, well. We'll see one of these days.' + +'But if it be true that you have no wish to detain me, why must I linger +on in this place of horror? Put me to any proof you will. Propose, for +instance, the most complicated question in arithmetic to me; and see +whether I do not answer it like a rational creature.' + +'I make no doubt. We have a gentleman here these fourteen years, that +works at the counting from morning to night.' + +'Fourteen years! Good Heavens!--Oh try me for mercy's sake in any way +you please. Think of any experiment that will satisfy yourself;--let it +only be made quickly.' + +The man promised; for he always promised. He thought it a part of his +duty. It is not to be told with what horror I at last heard that 'Oh +yes,' which always began the heart-breaking assents addressed to me as +to one whom it were needless and cruel to contradict. + +All my anxieties were aggravated by the dread that his promises of +release were deceitful like the rest; and that even, though he had no +longer doubted of my recovery, the jealousy of Mrs Boswell might have +bribed him to detain me. I balanced in my mind the improbability of so +daring an outrage with the stories which I had heard of elder brothers +removed, and wives concealed for ever. Where much is felt and nothing +can be done, it is difficult indeed to fix the judgment. + +To relieve my doubts, I enquired whether Mr Boswell knew of my +confinement. The keeper could not tell. He only knew that the petition +for my admission and the bond for my expenses were signed by Mrs Boswell +alone. This circumstance was quite sufficient to convince me that Mr +Boswell was ignorant of my fate; and I thought if I could find means to +make him acquainted with my situation, he would undoubtedly accomplish +my release. I implored of the keeper to inform him where I was; and he +promised, but with that ominous 'Oh yes,' which assured me the promise +was void. + +By degrees, however, I had learnt to bear my disappointments with +composure. I must not venture to say that I was becoming reconciled to +my condition; I must not even assert that I endured its continuance with +resignation,--for how often did my impatience for release virtually +retract the submissions which I breathed to Heaven! But I had +experienced that there are pleasures which no walls can exclude, and +hopes which no disappointments can destroy; pleasures which flourish in +solitude and in adversity; hopes, which fear no wreck but from the +storms of passion. I had believed that religion could bring comfort to +the dreariest dwelling. I now experienced that comfort. The friend whom +we trust may be dear; the friend whom we have tried is inestimable. +Religion, perhaps, best shows her strength when she rules the +prosperous, but her full value is felt by the unfortunate alone. + +Among my other requests to the keeper, I had entreated that he would +allow me the use of that precious book, which has diffused more wisdom, +peace, and truth, than all the works of men. He promised, as he was wont +to promise; but weary of a request which was repeated every time he +appeared, he at last yielded to my importunity. From that hour an +inexhaustible source of enjoyment was opened to me. Devotion had before +sometimes gladdened my prison with the visits of a friend; now his +written language spoke to my heart, answering every feeling. How +different was this solitude from the self-inflicted desolation which I +had once endured? Nay, did not the blank of all earthly interests leave +me a blessed animation compared with that dread insensibility which had +once left me without God in the world. + + 'This is to be alone! This, this is solitude!' + +But while I bore my disappointments with more fortitude, I did not, it +will easily be imagined, relax my endeavours after liberty. On certain +days, the institution was open to the inspection of strangers. On these +days I was always furnished with a change of dress, and led out to make +part of the show; and my spirit was for the time so thoroughly subdued, +that I submitted to this exhibition without a murmur, almost without a +pang. Circumstances had so far overcome my natural temper, that I more +than once appealed to the humanity of those whom a strange curiosity led +to this dreariest scene of human woe. But prejudice always confounded my +story with those which most of my companions in confinement were eager +to tell. I addressed it to an old man; he heard me in silence; then +turning to the keeper, remarked, that it was odd that one fancy +possessed us all, the desire to leave our present dwelling. 'Ay,' said +the keeper, 'that is always the burden of the song;' and they turned to +listen to the ravings of some other object. I told my tale to a youth, +and thought I had prevailed, for tears filled his eyes. 'Good God!' +cried he, instantly flying from a painful compassion, 'to see so lovely +a creature lost to herself and to the world!' + +The ladies had courage to bear a sight which might shake the strongest +nerves, but not to venture upon close conference with me. They shrunk +behind their guards, whispering something about the unnatural brightness +of my eyes. + +My only hope, therefore, rested upon the return of the humane surgeon, +and upon the chance that he might find leisure to examine me himself, +instead of trusting to the representation of the keeper. Yet, even +there, might not prejudice operate against me? I had felt its effects, +and had reason to tremble. + +The day came which preceded his periodical visit to the department +whither I had been removed. It was a stormy one, and heavy rain beat +against my grated window. My swallows, who had tried their first flight +only the day before, cowered close in their nest; or peeped from its +little round opening, as if to watch the return of their mother. They +had grown so accustomed to me, that the sight of me never disturbed +them. In the pride of my heart I showed them to the keeper when he +brought my morning repast. 'Who knows,' said I, 'if the doctor come +to-morrow, but they and I may take our departure together.' As I spoke, +a gust of the storm loosened the little fabric from its hold. I sprung +in consternation to the window. The ruin was complete; my treasure was +dashed to the ground. Let those smile who can, when I own that I uttered +a cry of sorrow; and, renouncing my unfinished meal, threw myself on my +bed and wept. + +'Help the girl!' exclaimed the keeper. 'A woman almost as big as I am, +crying for a swallow's nest. Well, as I shall answer, I thought you had +got quite well almost.' + +Aware too late of the impression which my ill-timed weakness had given, +I did my utmost, at his subsequent visits, to repair my error; but +prejudice, even in its last stage of decay, is more easily revived than +destroyed, and I saw that he remained at best sceptical. + +The day came which was to decide my fate. No lover waiting the sentence +of a cautious mistress,--no gamester pausing in dread to look at the +decisive die,--no British mother trembling with the Gazette in her +hand,--ever felt such anxiety as I did, at the approach of my medical +judge. With as much coherence, however, as I could command, I related to +him the circumstances to which I attributed my confinement. He heard me +with attention, questioned, and cross-examined me. 'Have you any +objection,' said he, 'to my making enquiries of Mr Boswell?' + +'None, certainly,' said I, 'if you cannot otherwise convince yourself +that I ought to be set at liberty; else I should be unwilling to add to +his domestic discomfort. I am persuaded that he has no part in this +cruelty.' + +The surgeon remained with me long; talking on various subjects, and +ingeniously contriving to withdraw my attention from the ordeal which I +was undergoing. The keeper, to justify his own sagacity, detailed with +exaggeration every instance he had witnessed of my supposed +eccentricity. 'To this good day,' said he, 'she'll be crying one minute, +and singing the next.' + +'Mr Smith,' said the doctor, shaking his head gravely, 'if you shut up +all the women who change their humour every minute, who will make our +shirts and puddings?' + +He related the transports of my premature gratitude. 'By the time you +are a little older, Miss Percy,' said the doctor, 'you will guess better +how far sympathy will go; and then you will not run the risk of being +thought crazy, by showing more sensibility than other people.' + +Other instances of my extravagance were not more successful; for the +doctor's prejudice had fortunately taken the other side. 'You know, Mr +Smith,' said he, 'that I always suspected this was not a case for your +management; and that if I had been in the way when admission was asked +for this lady, she would never have been here.' My departure was +therefore authorised; and, at my earnest request, it was fixed for that +day. + +And who shall paint the rapture of the prisoner, who tells himself, what +yet he scarcely dares believe, 'This day I shall be free?' Who shall +utter the gratitude which swells the heart of him whom this day has made +free? That I was to go I knew not whither,--to subsist I knew not +how,--could not damp the joys of deliverance. The wide world was indeed +before me; but even that of itself was happiness. The free air,--the +open face of heaven,--the unfettered grace of nature,--the joyous sport +of animals,--the cheerful tools of man,--sounds of intelligence, and +sights of bliss were there; and the wide world was to me, the native +land of the exile, lovely with every delightful recollection, and +populous with brethren and friends. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 19: Miss Percy's description is far, indeed, from exaggerating +the horrors of some lunatic asylums in Edinburgh, as they existed twenty +years ago. One of these, which was even more recently the disgrace of +Scotland and of human nature, is now managed with great attention to the +health and cleanliness of its miserable inmates.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + _Oh! grief has changed me since you saw me last; + And careful hours, and time's deforming hand + Have written strange defeatures in my face._ + + Shakspeare. + + +Though I resisted all idea of returning, even for an hour, to the +control of Mrs Boswell, it was thought necessary, since I had been +confined upon her authority and at her expense, that, before my +departure, she should be informed of my recovery, and consequent +dismission. After waiting impatiently the return of a message despatched +for this purpose; I learnt that Mr Boswell's house was shut up; the +whole family having removed to the country. My kind friend, Dr ----, +however, would not permit this to retard my departure. He undertook for +Mrs Boswell's performance of her engagement; which, he said, he could +easily compel, by threatening to expose her conduct. For my part, I had +no doubt that she had fled from the fear of detection, and with the +design of preventing her husband from discovering the barbarity she had +practised; for I knew that it was not the love of rural life, nor even +of the fashion, which could have roused Mrs Boswell to the exertion of +travelling fifty miles. + +So far as I was concerned, however, her precaution was unnecessary; for +she had injured me too seriously to have any return of injury to fear. +Nothing short of necessity could have induced me to expose her, while I +saw reason to dread that self-deceit might, under the name of justice, +countenance the spirit of revenge. The only reason I had to regret her +departure was, that I was thus prevented from receiving the money which +Mr Boswell had acknowledged to be my right. Every thing else which +could be called mine had been sent with me from the house, and was now +faithfully restored to me. Feeble indeed must have been the honesty to +which my possessions could have furnished a temptation! The whole +consisted in a few shillings, and a scanty assortment of the plainest +attire. And yet the heir of the noblest domain never looked round him +with such elation as I did, when I once more found myself under the open +canopy of heaven; nor did ever the 'harp and the viol' delight the ear +like the sound of the heavy gate which closed upon my departing steps. I +paused for a moment, to ask myself if all was not a dream; then leant my +forehead against the threshold, and wept the thanksgiving I could not +utter. + +I was roused by an enquiry from the person who was carrying my +portmanteau, 'whither I chose to have it conveyed?' The only residence +which had occurred to me, the only place with which I seemed entitled to +claim acquaintance, was my old abode at Mrs Milne's; and I desired the +man to conduct me thither. + +Though the gladness of my heart disposed me to good-humour with every +living thing, I could not help observing that my landlady received me +coolly. To my enquiry whether my former apartment was vacant, I could +scarcely obtain an intelligible reply; and when I requested that, if she +could not accommodate me, she would recommend another lodging-house to +me, the flame burst forth. She told me 'that she had had enough of +recommending people she knew nothing about. Mrs Boswell had very near +turned away her sister for recommending me already.' I assured the woman +that I should have sincerely regretted being the occasion of any +misfortune to her sister; and declared that I was utterly unconscious of +having ever done discredit to her recommendation. 'It might be so,' the +landlady said, 'but she did not know; it seemed very odd that I had been +sent away in a hurry from Mr Boswell's, and that I had never been heard +of from that day to this. To be sure,' said she, 'it was no wonder that +Mrs Boswell dismissed a person who had brought so much distress and +trouble into the family, and almost been the death of both Mr Boswell +and little miss.' + +'Mr Boswell! did he catch the infection too?' + +'To be sure he did; and so I dare say would the whole house, if you had +not been sent away.' + +I expressed my unfeigned sorrow for the mischief which I had innocently +caused; for I was at this moment less disposed to resent impertinence +than to sympathise in the joys and sorrows of all human kind. + +My landlady's countenance at last relaxed a little; and either won by my +good-humour, or prompted by her curiosity to discover my adventures +during my mysterious disappearance, or by a desire to dispose of her +lodging at a season when they were not very disposable, she told me that +I might, if I chose, take possession of my former accommodation. With +this ungracious permission I was obliged to comply; for the day was +already closing, and my scarcely recovered strength was fast yielding to +fatigue. + +I was aware, however, that in those lodgings it was impossible for me, +with only my present funds, to remain; for humble as were my +accommodations, they were far too costly for my means of payment. Mr +Boswell had, indeed, acknowledged himself my debtor for a sum, which, in +my situation, appeared positive riches; but my prospect of receiving it +was so small, or at least so distant, that I dared not include the +disposal of it in any plan for the present. That I might not, however, +lose it by my own neglect, I immediately wrote to remind Mr Boswell of +his promise, and to acquaint him whither he might transmit the money. I +had no very sanguine hopes that this letter would ever reach the person +for whom it was intended; and was more sorry than surprised, when day +after day passed, and brought no answer. + +In the mean time, I made every exertion to obtain a new situation. I +enquired for Mrs Murray; and found that she was still in England, where +she had been joined by her son. I went unwittingly to the house of her +repulsive sister; and found, to my great relief, that it was, like half +the houses in its neighbourhood, deserted for the season. It was in vain +that I endeavoured to procure employment as a teacher. The season was +against my success. The town was literally empty; for though this is a +mere figure of speech when applied to London, it becomes a matter of +fact in Edinburgh. Besides, I had no introduction; and I believe there +is no place under Heaven where an introduction is so indispensable. +Without it, scarcely the humblest employment was to be obtained. Had I +asked for alms, I should probably have been bountifully supplied; but +the charity which in Scotland is bestowed upon a nameless stranger, is +not of that kind which 'thinketh no evil.' + +Observing one day in the window of a toy-shop some of those ingenious +trifles, in the making of which I had once been accustomed to amuse +myself, I offered to supply the shop with as many of them as I could +manufacture. The shopman received my proposal coolly. Had I ordered the +most expensive articles of his stock, they would probably have been +intrusted to me without hesitation; but even he seemed to think that +pin-cushions and work-baskets must be made only by persons of +unequivocal repute. At last, though he would not intrust me with his +materials, he permitted me to work with my own; promising that, if my +baubles pleased him, he would purchase them. Even for this slender +courtesy I was obliged to be thankful; for I had now during a week +subsisted upon my miserable fund, and, in spite of the most rigid +economy, it was exhausted. The price of my lodging too for that week was +still undischarged; and it only remained to choose what part of my +little wardrobe should be applied to the payment of this debt. + +The choice was difficult; for nothing remained that could be spared +without inconvenience; and when it was at length fixed, I was still +doubtful how I should employ this last wreck of my possessions. I was +strongly tempted to use it in the purchase of materials for the work I +had undertaken; because I expected that in this way it might swell into +a fund which might not only repay my landlady, but contribute to my +future subsistence. But, fallen as I was, I could not condescend to +hazard, without permission, what was now, in fact, the property of +another: and, humbled as I had been, my heart revolted from owing the +use of my little capital to the forbearance of one from whom I could +scarcely extort respect. Once more, however, stubborn nature was forced +to bow; for, between humiliation and manifest injustice, there was no +room for hesitation; and I summoned my landlady to my apartment. 'Mrs +Milne,' said I, 'I can this evening pay what I owe you; and I can do no +more. I shall then have literally nothing.' + +The woman stood staring at me with a face of curious surprise; for this +was the first time that I had ever spoken to her of my circumstances or +situation. 'If you choose to have your money,' I continued, 'it is +yours. If you prefer letting it remain with me for a few days longer, it +will procure to me the means of subsistence, and to you the continuance +of a tenant for your apartment.' + +After enquiring into my plan with a freedom which I could ill brook, Mrs +Milne told me, 'that she had no wish to be severe upon any body; and +therefore would, for the present, be content with half her demand.' This +arrangement made, nothing remained except to procure the money; and, +for this purpose, I hasted to the place which I had formerly visited on +a similar errand. + +It was a shop little larger than a closet, dark, dirty, and confused; +and yet, I believe, Edinburgh, at that time, contained none more +respectable in its particular line. Some women, apparently of the lowest +rank, were searching for bargains among the trash which lay upon the +counter; while others seemed waiting to add to the heap. All bore the +brand of vice and wretchedness. Their squalid attire, their querulous or +broken voices, their haggard and bloated countenances, filled me with +dread and loathing. + +Having despatched my business, I was hastening to depart, when I was +arrested by a voice less ungentle than the others. It spoke in a +melancholy importunate half whisper; but it spoke in the accents of my +native land, and I started as if at the voice of a friend. The face of +the speaker was turned away from me. Her figure, too, was partly +concealed by a cloak, tawdry with shreds of what had once been lace. An +arm, on which the deathy skin clung to the bones, dragged rather than +supported a languid infant. She seemed making a last effort to renew a +melancholy pleading. 'If it were but the smallest trifle, sir,' said +she. + +'I tell you woman, I cannot afford it,' was the answer. 'You have had +more than the gown is worth already.' + +'God help me then,' said the woman, 'for I must perish;' and she turned +to be gone. The light rested upon her features. Altered as they were, +they could not be forgotten. 'Juliet! Miss Arnold!' I exclaimed; and the +long tale of credulity and ingratitude passed across my mind in an +instant. I stood gazing upon her for a moment. Sickness, want and +sorrow, were written in her face. I remembered it bright with all the +sportive graces of youth and gaiety. The contrast overcame me. 'Juliet! +dear Juliet!' I cried, and fell upon her neck. + +Strong emotion long kept me silent; while she seemed overpowered by +surprise. At length she recovered utterance. 'Ah, Ellen!' said she, 'you +are avenged on me now.' + +'Avenged! oh, Juliet!' + +It was then that I remembered the vengeance which I had imprecated upon +her head; and it was she who was avenged! + +When I again raised my eyes to her face, it was crossed by a faint +flush; and she looked down as if with shame upon her wretched attire. 'I +am sadly changed since you saw me last, Miss Percy,' said she. + +I could not bear to own the horrible truth of her words. 'Let us leave +this place,' said I. 'Come where you may tell me what has caused this +wreck.' + +I offered her my arm, and, with a look of surprise, she accepted it. +'Sure,' said she, 'you must be ashamed to be seen with a person of my +appearance.' + +'Can you imagine,' said I, 'that appearance is in my thoughts at such a +moment as this?' and vexed and chilled by this cold attention to +trifles, I silently conducted her towards my home. + +It was at a considerable distance from the place of our meeting; and the +strength of my companion was scarcely equal to the journey. We had not +gone far before she stopped, arrested by the breathlessness of +consumption. Alarmed, I held out my arms to relieve her from the burden +of the infant. Then first a painful suspicion struck a sickness to my +heart. I looked at her, then at the child, and feared to ask if it was +her own. She seemed to interpret the look, for a blush deepened the +hectic upon her cheek. 'My boy is not the child of shame, Miss Percy,' +said she. My breast was lightened of a load--I pressed her arm to me, +and again we went on. + +We at length reached my lodgings; and, regardless of the suspicious +looks which were cast upon us by the people of the house, I led Miss +Arnold to my apartment, and shared with her the last refreshment I could +command. During our repast, I could not help observing that the change +in Miss Arnold's appearance had but partially extended to her manners. +She was no sooner a little revived than she began to find occasions of +flattering me upon my improved beauty, which she hinted had become only +more interesting by losing the glow of health. + +'In one respect, Juliet,' said I coldly, 'you will find me changed. I +have lost my taste for compliments.' Then fearing I had spoken with +severity, I added more gaily, 'Besides, you can talk of me at any time. +Now tell me rather why I find you here so far from home, so much--tell +me every thing that it will not pain you to tell.' + +Miss Arnold showed no disinclination to enter on her tale. She told me +that, in consequence of her intimacy with Lady St Edmunds, she had, +after leaving me, _necessarily_ improved her acquaintance with her +Ladyship's niece, Lady Maria de Burgh. A smile of self-complacency +crossed her wasted face as she told me that a very few interviews had +served to dispel all Lady Maria's prejudices against her. 'But to be +sure,' added she, 'Lady Maria is such a fool, that I had no great glory +in changing her opinion.' I remembered with a sigh the time when this +comment would have given me pleasure; but I did not answer; and Miss +Arnold went on to relate, that Lady Maria soon pressed her, with such +unwearied importunity to become her guest, that the invitation was +absolutely not to be resisted without incivility. + +Lord Glendower was at that time Lady Maria's suitor; or rather, Miss +Arnold said, he talked and trifled in such a way, that her Ladyship was +in anxious expectation of his becoming so. 'However,' continued she, 'I +soon saw that, had our situations been equal, he might have preferred me +to his would-be bride.' + +She stopped, but I waited in silence the continuation of her story. 'You +know, Ellen,' said she, 'it was not to be supposed that I would neglect +so splendid a prospect. I had no obligation to Lady Maria which bound me +to sacrifice my happiness.' + +'Happiness!' repeated I involuntarily, while I recollected my humble +estimate of Lord Glendower's talents for bestowing it. + +'Any thing, you know, was happiness,' said Miss Arnold, 'compared with +the life of dependence and subjection which I must have endured with my +brother.' She went on detailing innumerable circumstances which seemed +to lay her under a kind of necessity to encourage Lord Glendower. + +'Ay, ay, Juliet,' interrupted I, 'as Mr Maitland used to say, we ladies +can always make up in the number of our reasons whatever they want in +weight.' + +Miss Arnold seemed to feel some difficulty in proceeding to the next +step of her narrative. 'At last,' said she, hesitating, 'it was +agreed;--I consented to--to go with Glendower to Scotland.' + +'To Scotland! Was not Lord Glendower his own master? Could he not marry +where he pleased?' + +'It was his wish,' said Miss Arnold, blushing and hesitating; 'and--and +you know, Ellen, when a woman is attached--you know----' + +'Don't appeal to my knowledge, Juliet, for I never was attached, and +never shall be.' + +A pause followed; and it was only at my request that Miss Arnold went on +with her story. 'When we arrived here,' said she, 'I found Glendower's +attentions were not what I expected. You may judge of my despair! I +knew, though I was innocent, nobody would believe my innocence;--I saw +that I was as much undone as if I had been really guilty.' + +'Oh no, Juliet!' cried I, 'there is, indeed, only one step between +imprudence and guilt; but that one is the passage from uneasiness to +misery, abiding misery. But what did you resolve upon?' + +'What could I do, Ellen? A little dexterity is the only means of defence +which we poor women possess.' + +'Any means of defence was lawful,' said I rashly, 'where all that is +valuable in this world or the next was to be defended.' + +'Certainly,' said Miss Arnold. 'Therefore, what I did cannot be blamed. +I had heard something of the Scotch laws in regard to marriage; and I +refused to see Glendower, unless he would at least persuade the people +of the lodging-house that I was his wife. Afterwards, I contrived to +make him send me a note, addressed to Lady Glendower. The note itself +was of no consequence, but it answered the purpose, and I have preserved +it. I took care, too, to ascertain that the people about us observed him +address me as his wife; and in Scotland this is as good as a thousand +ceremonies. Besides, you know, Ellen, a ceremony is nothing. Whatever +joins people irrevocably, is a marriage in the sight of God and man.' + +'Yes,' answered I, 'provided that both parties understand themselves to +be irrevocably bound.' + +Miss Arnold averted her eye for a moment; then looked up more steadily, +and went on with her story. 'After this, I had no hesitation to +accompany him to a shooting lodge, which he had hired, in the Highlands. +We were there some months: I am sure I was heartily sick of it. In +winter last we came here, and Glendower talked of going to town; but I +was not able, nor indeed much inclined to go with him; he has got into +such a shocking habit of drinking. So he left me here, promising to come +back after I was confined; but he had not been gone above two months, +when I saw in a newspaper an account of his marriage with Lady Maria. It +came upon me like a thunder-stroke. The shock brought on a premature +confinement, and I was long in extreme danger. However, I dictated +letters both to Glendower and Lady Maria, asserting my claims, and +declaring that, if they were resisted, the law should do me justice. I +wrote often before I could obtain an answer; and at last Glendower had +the effrontery to write, denying that I had any right over him. He had +even the cruelty to allege, that the time of my poor little boy's birth +in part refuted my story.' Juliet, who had hitherto told her tale with +astonishing self-possession, now burst into tears. 'As I hope for mercy, +Ellen,' said she, folding her infant to her breast with all the natural +fondness of a mother,--'as I hope for mercy, this boy is Glendower's; +and, as I truly believe, is his only lawful heir, if I could see him +once restored to his rights, I should ask no more.' + +She soon composed herself, and resumed her disastrous story. Lord +Glendower, incensed by her claim, refused to remit her money. She wrote +to her brother an account of her situation. He answered, that he had +already spent upon her education a sum sufficient, if she had acted +prudently, to have made her fortune; that he was not such a fool as to +spend more in publishing her disgrace in a court of law, where he was +sure no judge would award her five shillings of damages;--that he sent +her thirty pounds to furnish a shop of small wares, and desired he might +never hear of her more. The money came in time to rescue her from a +prison; but the payment of her debts left her penniless. She had +subsisted for some time by the sale of her trinkets and clothes. Lower +and lower her resources had fallen; narrower and more narrow had become +the circle of her comforts, till she was now completely a beggar. + +She had also long struggled with ill health. 'This exhausting cough,' +said she, 'and this weakness that makes every thing a burden to me, are +very disheartening, though I know they are not dangerous.' I looked at +her, and shuddered. If ever consumption had set its deadly seal upon any +face, hers bore the impression. + +'What is the matter, Ellen?' said she, 'I assure you I am not so ill as +I look.' + +'I hope not,' said I, trying to smile. + +Evening was now closing; and as I knew that the place which Juliet had +for some days called her home was at a considerable distance, I was +about to propose sharing my apartment with her for the night; when my +landlady opening my door, desired, in a very surly tone, that I would +speak with her. Half guessing the subject of our conference, I followed +her out of hearing of my unfortunate companion. In terms which I must +rather attempt to translate than record, she enquired what right I had +to fill her house with vagrants. With some warmth I resisted the +application of the phrase, telling her that the misfortunes of a +gentlewoman gave no one a right to load her with suspicion or abuse. +'Troth, as for gentility,' said the landlady, 'I believe you are both +much about it. I might have my notion; but I never knew rightly what you +were, till I saw the company you keep. A creature painted to the eyes!' + +'Painted! The painting of death!' + +'Well, well, painted or not painted, send her out of this house; for +here she shall stay no longer!' + +'Mrs Milne,' said I, scorning the altercation in which I was engaged, +'while that apartment is called mine, it shall receive or exclude +whomsoever I please.' I turned from her, determined to use the right +which I had asserted. + +'Yours, indeed!' cried the enraged landlady, following me. 'It shall not +be called yours long then. Either pay for the week you have had it, or +else leave it this moment; and don't stay here bringing disgrace upon +creditable people that never bore but a good character till now.' + +I am ashamed to own that the insolence of this low woman overcame my +frail temper. 'Disgrace!' I began in the tone of strong indignation; but +recollecting that I could only degrade myself by the contest, I again +turned away in silence. + +She now forced herself into my apartment; and, addressing Miss Arnold, +commanded her to leave the house instantly. Miss Arnold cast a +supplicating look upon me. 'I shall never reach home alone,' said she. + +'There is no need for your attempting it,' returned I; 'for if you go, I +will accompany you.' + +To this proposal, however, Miss Arnold appeared averse. She showed a +strong inclination to remain where she was, and even condescended to +remonstrate with the insolent landlady. Had I guessed the reason of this +condescension, I might have been saved one of the most horrible moments +of my existence. It had no other effect than to increase the +impertinence it was meant to disarm; for the 'soft answer which turns +away wrath' must at least seem disinterested. Disgusted with this scene +of vulgar oppression and spiritless endurance, 'Come, Juliet,' said I, +'if I cannot protect you from insolence here, I will attend you home; +and since you cannot share my apartment, let me take part of yours.' + +Miss Arnold still lingered, however, and again made a fruitless appeal +to the compassion of Mrs Milne; but finding her inexorable, she +consented to depart. + +I threw my purse upon the table. 'Mrs Milne,' said I, 'after what you +have obliged me to hear, I will not put it in your power to insult me by +farther suspicion. There is the money I owe you.' + +The landlady, now somewhat softened, followed us to the door, assuring +me that it was not to me she made objections. I left her without reply; +and giving Juliet my arm, supported her during a long and melancholy +walk. + +It was almost dark; and the thoughts of passing unprotected through the +streets of a great city filled me with alarm. I breathed painfully, and +scarcely dared to speak even in a whisper. Every time that my exhausted +companion stopped to gather strength, I shook with the dread that we +should attract observation; and when we proceeded, I shrunk from every +passenger, as if from an assassin. Without molestation, however, we +reached Miss Arnold's abode. + +It was in the attic story of a building, of which each floor seemed +inhabited by two separate families; and in this respect alone it seemed +superior to the dwelling of my poor friend Cecil, who shared her +habitation with a whole community. Miss Arnold knocked; and a dirty, +wretched-looking woman cautiously opened the door. Presenting me, Miss +Arnold began, 'I have brought you a lady who wishes to take----' But the +moment the woman perceived us, her eyes flashed fury; and she +interrupted Miss Arnold with a torrent of invective; from which I could +only learn, that my companion, being her debtor, had deceived her as to +her means of payment, and that she was resolved to admit her no more. +Having talked herself out of breath, she shut the door with a violence +which made the house shake. + +I turned to the ghastly figure of my companion, and grew sick with +consternation. Half bent to the earth, she was leaning against the +threshold, as if unable to support herself. 'Plead for me, Ellen,' said +she faintly. 'I can go no farther.' In compliance with this piteous +request, I knocked again and again; but no answer was returned. + +I now addressed myself to Juliet; entreating her to exert herself, and +assuring her of my persuasion, that if she could once more reach my +lodgings, even the inexorable Mrs Milne would not permit her to pass the +night without a shelter. But the weakness of the disease had extended to +the mind. Miss Arnold sunk upon the ground. 'Oh, I can go no farther!' +she cried; wringing her hands, and weeping like an infant. 'Go--go home, +and leave me, Ellen. I left you in your extremity, and now judgment has +overtaken me! Go, and leave me.' + +It was in vain that I entreated her to have mercy on herself, and on her +child; imploring that she would not, by despair, create the evil she +dreaded. 'Oh, I cannot go, I cannot go,' said she; and she continued to +repeat, weeping, the same hopeless reply to all that I could urge to +rouse her. + +The expectation which I had tried to awaken in her was but feeble in my +own breast; and I at last desisted from my fruitless importunity. But +what course remained for me? Even the poorest shelter I had not the +means to procure. We were in a land of strangers; and many a heart open +to human sympathies was closed against us. To solicit pity was to +provoke suspicion, perhaps to encounter scorn. I myself might return to +my inhospitable home, but what would then become of the unfortunate +Juliet? While I gazed upon the dying figure before me, and weighed the +horrible alternative of leaving her perhaps to perish alone, or +remaining with her exposed to all from which the nature of woman most +recoils, my spirits failed; and the bitter tears of anguish burst from +my eyes. But there are thoughts of comfort which ever hover near the +soul, like the good spirits that walk the earth unseen. There is a hope +that presses for admission into the heart from which all other hope is +fled. 'Juliet,' said I, 'let us commend ourselves to God. It is His will +that we should this night have no protection but His own. Be the +consequence what it may, I will not leave you.' + +My unhappy companion answered only by a continuance of that feeble +wailing which was now more the effect of weakness than of grief; while +I, turning from her, addressed myself to Heaven, with a confidence which +they only know who have none other confidence. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + _It is too late. The life of all_ her _blood + Is touched corruptibly; and_ her _poor brain + (Which some suppose the soul's frail dwelling-house) + Doth, by the idle comments which it makes, + Foretell the ending of mortality._ + + Shakspeare. + + +I was startled by the approach of a heavy footstep. Trembling, I +whispered to Miss Arnold an earnest entreaty that she would command +herself, and not invite curiosity, perhaps insult, to our last retreat. +But I asked an impossibility; poor Juliet could not restrain her +sobbing. The step continued to ascend the stair. Though now hopeless of +concealment, I instinctively shrunk aside. But I breathed more freely, +when I perceived through the dusk that the cause of my alarm was a +woman. + +Crossing the landing, she knocked at the door adjacent to that which had +been closed against us; then approaching my companion, she enquired into +the cause of her distress. 'She is a stranger, sick, and unfortunate,' +said I, now coming forward. 'The only place where she could this night +find shelter is so distant, that she is quite unable to reach it.' + +A youthful voice now calling from within was answered by the woman; and +presently the door was opened by a girl carrying a lamp. Several joyous +faces crowded to welcome a mother's return; and beyond, the light of a +cheerful fire danced on the roof of a clean though humble dwelling. I +turned an eye almost of envy towards the woman. The lamp threw a strong +gleam upon her features; they were familiar to my recollection. She was +the widow of the poor gardener who died in my presence at Greenwich. + +She had turned to address some words of compassion to Miss Arnold; when +the little girl pulled her by the apron, and, casting a sidelong look at +me, said in a half whisper, 'Mother, _she_ is like the good English +lady.' The widow turned towards me, and uttered an exclamation of +surprise; then doubting the evidence of her senses, 'No,' said she, 'it +is not possible.' + +'It is but too possible, Mrs Campbell,' said I; 'the changes of this +restless world have made me the stranger now.' + +'And its yoursel', miss! exclaimed the widow, looking at me with a glad +smile. 'God bless you! ye shall never be strange to me. Please just to +come in, and rest you a little.' Then recollecting Juliet, she added, +'If ye be concerned for this poor body, just bid her come in too.' + +The wanderer, who, benighted in the enemy's land, has been welcomed to +the abode of charity and peace, will imagine the gladness with which I +accepted this invitation. I raised my dejected companion from the +ground, led her to her new asylum, and fervently thanked Heaven for the +joyful sense of her safety and my own. + +We presently found ourselves in an apartment which served in the double +capacity of kitchen and parlour; and our hostess placing a large stuffed +elbow-chair close to the fire, cordially invited me to sit. She looked +back towards my companion, as if doubtful whether she were entitled to +similar courtesy. 'Lady Glendower,' said I, offering to her the place of +honour. It was the first time I had called Juliet by her new name. After +all my impressive lessons of humility, I fear I was not entirely +disinterested in asserting the disparity between the rank of my +companion and her appearance; but I fancied for the moment, that I was +merely claiming respect and compassion for the unfortunate. I had, +however, some difficulty in conveying the desired impression of my +friend's dignity; and it was not until I had succeeded, that I enquired +whether Mrs Campbell could give her the accommodation which she so much +needed. The good woman seemed delighted to have an opportunity of +serving me; and her little girl, who, with the awkward bashfulness +common to the children of her country, had resisted all the advances of +her old acquaintance, now whispered to her mother an offer to resign her +bed to the stranger. This was, however, unnecessary. Mrs Campbell +informed me, that since I had enabled her to return to her own +connections, she had never known want, having obtained constant +employment as a laundress; that her brother, a thriving tradesman, +having lately become a widower, had invited her to superintend his +family; and his business having for the present carried him from home, +she offered Juliet the use of his apartment. + +My companion thus provided with a decent shelter, I began to indulge +some anxiety on my own account. It was near midnight; and I was almost a +mile from home, if I could indeed be said to have a home. I had never +traversed a city by night without all the protections of equipage and +retinue. Now, without defence from outrage, except in the neglect of the +passers by, I was to steal timidly to a threshold where my admission was +at best doubtful. The only alternative was to request that the widow +would extend to me the kindness which she had just shown to my friend; +and this request required an effort which I found almost impracticable. + +I hesitated in my choice of evils till the hour almost decided the +question; then half resolved to utter my proposal, I began to speak; but +the favour which I had petitioned for another, I found it impossible to +ask for myself; and I was obliged to conclude my hesitating preface by a +request, that Mrs Campbell would accompany me home. + +Juliet no sooner saw me about to depart, than she was seized with the +idea that I was going to forsake her for ever; and reduced by illness +and fatigue to the weakness of infancy, she again began to weep. In vain +did I promise to return in the morning. 'Oh no,' said she, 'I cannot +expect it. I cannot expect you to visit me--me, forlorn and wretched.' + +'These very circumstances, Juliet,' said I, 'would of themselves ensure +my return. But if you will not rely on my friendship, at least trust my +word. That you have never had reason to doubt.' + +Miss Arnold did not venture to offend me by expressing her suspicions of +a promise so formally given; but when I offered to go, she clung to me, +entreating with an earnestness which betrayed her fears, that I would +not leave her to want and desolation. + +Overcome by her tears, or glad perhaps of a pretext for yielding +decently, I now offered to remain with her, and proposed to share her +apartment. Our grateful hostess willingly consented to this arrangement; +and, with a hundred apologies for the poorness of my accommodations, +conducted us to our chamber. She little guessed how sumptuous it was, +compared with others which I had occupied! It was to be sure of no +modern date; it shook at every step; and the dark lining of wainscot +gave it a gloomy appearance; but its size and furniture were handsome, +compared with what I had been accustomed to find in the dwellings of +labour. An excellent bed was rendered luxurious by linens which, in +purity and texture, might have suited a palace; and here I had soon the +satisfaction of seeing my exhausted companion and her infant sink into +profound repose. + +For my part, I felt no inclination to sleep. My mind was occupied in +considering the difficulties of my situation. While I had scarcely any +apparent provision for my real wants, I was in a manner called to supply +those of another; for Juliet was even more destitute than myself. +Health, spirits, and activity still remained to me; blessings compared +with which all that I had lost were as nothing; while the disease which +was dragging her to the grave had already left her neither power to +struggle, nor courage to endure. To desert her was an obduracy of +selfishness which never entered my contemplation. But it remained for me +to consider whether I should first provide for my own indispensable +wants, and bestow upon her all else that constant diligence could +supply; or whether we should share in common our scanty support, and +when it failed, endure together. + +'Were I to supply her occasionally,' thought I, 'every trifling gift +would be dearly paid by the recollection that she forsook me in my +extremity. If we live together, nothing will remind her that she owes +any thing to me, and in time she may forget it. And shall not I indeed +be the debtor? What shall I not owe her for the occasion to testify my +sense of the great, the overwhelming forgiveness which has been heaped +upon me? O Author of peace and pardon! enable me joyfully to toil, and +to suffer for her, that I may at last trace, in this dark soul, a +dawning of thine own brightness!' + +My resolution was taken, and I lost no time in carrying it into effect. +Understanding that our present apartment was to be unoccupied for some +weeks, I hired it upon terms almost suitable to the state of my +finances. I explained to Juliet my situation and my intentions; telling +her gaily, that I appointed her my task-mistress, and expected she would +look well to her duty. I next proposed to go and settle the demands of +my former landlady, and to remove my small possessions to my new abode. +Juliet made no resistance to this proposal; though I could read +suspicion in the eye which scrutinised my face as I spoke. When I was +ready to depart, she suddenly requested me to carry her little boy with +me, under pretence that she herself was unable to give him exercise. I +was instantly sensible of this palpable contrivance to secure my return. +To feel myself suspected of treachery at the very moment when I was +impatient to make every sacrifice, assailed my temper, where, alas! it +has ever been most assailable. 'What right have you to insult me?'--I +indignantly began; but when my eye rested on the faded countenance, the +neglected form, the spiritless air of my once playful companion, my +anger vanished. 'Oh, Juliet!' said I, 'do not add to all your other +distresses the pain of suspecting your friend. Thoughtless, selfish, you +may have found me; but why should you think me treacherous?' Miss Arnold +protested immutable confidence, and unbounded gratitude; but I was no +longer the credulous child of self-conceit and prosperity; and pained +and disgusted, I turned away. Common discretion, however, required that +I should not, by dwelling upon her unworthiness, render the task of +befriending her more burdensome. I had indeed neither time nor spirits +to spare for any disagreeable subject of contemplation. + +After settling my accounts with Mrs Milne, I expended the miserable +remainder of my money, partly on indispensable supply for the wants of +the day,--partly on materials for the work which I hoped to earn +subsistence for the morrow. Of these I was obliged to be content with a +very humble assortment. I remembered that, in our better days, Juliet, +as well as myself, had shown inexhaustible ingenuity in the creation of +toys; and I fancied that we might again, with pleasure, share these +light labours together. But no one who has not made the experiment can +imagine how deadly compulsion is to pleasure;--how wearisome the very +sport becomes which must of necessity be continued the livelong +day;--how inviting is every gleam of sunshine, every glimpse of the open +face of Heaven, to one who dares not spare a moment to enjoy them! +Oppressed by the listlessness of disease, Juliet could scarcely make +this experiment; or rather perhaps her early habits could not give way +to a sense of duty, or even of necessity. Her work was taken up and +relinquished a hundred times a day. The trifle which was begun one hour, +was the next deserted for another, to be in its turn forsaken. But what +was worse, a series of efforts defeated,--the sense of a fault which she +had not courage to amend, had an unfortunate effect upon her temper; and +the once playful and caressing Juliet became discontented and peevish. + +These humours indeed she seldom directly vented upon me; but her ill +health, her misfortunes, her privations, the treachery of her husband, +the cruelty of her brother, and the ill qualities of mankind in general, +furnished her with sufficient subjects of impatience. Once indeed, for a +moment, her self-command forsook her so far, that she turned her +displeasure on a trifling occasion against me. I kept my temper, +however; and she instantly recovered hers. But the cowardly fear of +alienating me, the most provoking of all her weaknesses, prompted her +soon after to overwhelm me with promises which were to be performed when +she should be restored to her rights and dignities. I had resolved never +to wound her by one severe expression, and even now I kept my purpose, +though I wept with indignation. + +But in spite of my forbearance, and Juliet's caution, I was often +sensible that I had involuntarily given her pain. I could see that she +often mistook the most casual expressions for subtle reproach, or +insinuated threat. Though I forgave, I found it impossible to convince +her of my forgiveness. However suppressed, the latent impression of her +mind certainly was, that I must, in some sort, avenge myself for her +former desertion; nor could she always conceal the mingled sentiment of +fear and anger which this impression inspired. + +But no expression of impatience, nor even of suspicion, was so +tormenting to me as the abject entreaties for forgiveness, which were +reiterated after the most solemn assurances that they were needless. +'For Heaven's sake, Juliet,' I would say to her, 'let this subject be +dropped for ever. I beseech you to let me forget that I have any thing +to forgive you. If ever you see me fail in kindness, if ever I seem to +prefer my own comfort or advantage to yours, then--then remind me that +you once did me wrong, that you may rouse me by the strongest of motives +to love and benefit you.' But all I could say, did only, at best, +impress her with momentary conviction. More frequently her efforts +failed to conceal from me that she thought me more capable of inventing +Christian sentiments than of feeling them. + +In the mean time, her feeble frame declined from day to day; yet, while +she was thus a prey to groundless apprehensions, the melancholy +security, which is so frequent a symptom of her disease, blinded her to +the approach of inevitable fate. It was heart-breaking to see her +spending her last breath in devising schemes of vanity or revenge; +fixing, with suspicious dread, her dying eye upon a fellow-worm, +regardless of all that the Creator could threaten or bestow. Often did I +resolve to awaken her to her danger; but so profound seemed her +security, that my courage was unequal to the task. I did not, indeed, +deceive her with the language of hope, but I forbore, explicitly, to +express my fears; and with this concealment, so cowardly, so unfriendly, +so cruel, I shall never cease to reproach myself. + +It was, perhaps, for want of this very act of resolution, that I found +it impossible to rouse her to any serious examination of her own mind, +any alarming impressions of her condition as an accountable creature. +Having once settled it that I had been converted to methodism by Miss +Mortimer, she was as impenetrable to all that I could urge, as if the +name she gave to the speaker could have affected the nature and +importance of the truth spoken. + +My desertion was the sole object of her serious fears; her hopes all +centered in her little boy, or rather in the honours which she expected +him to attain. She was constantly urging me to find out some lawyer, +whom the love of justice, or the hope of future recompense, might induce +to undertake her cause. The ruin which her success was to bring upon one +whom I had once regarded as an enemy made me unwilling to take any part +in Miss Arnold's scheme; and my extreme dislike to asking favours +rendered me particularly averse to make the application she desired. At +last, weary of my delays, she herself undertook the business. + +As she was no longer able to walk abroad, the earnings of two entire +days were spent in conveying her to and from the chambers of an eminent +lawyer; but we forgot our wants and our toils together, when she +received a written opinion, that her claims were at least tenable. + +The exertion she had made was death to the unfortunate Juliet. Her cough +and fever increased to an alarming degree. Her sickly appetite revolted +from our homely meals; and every thing which I had the means to procure +was in turn rejected with loathing. That which at times she fancied +might be less distasteful was no sooner procured, sometimes with +difficulty enough, than it became offensive. The most unremitting +diligence, the most rigid self-denial, could not provide for the +caprices of the distempered palate; while the habits of indulgence, +uniting with the feebleness of disease, rendered even the trivial +disappointments of appetite important to poor Juliet. She would fret +like an infant over the want of that which I had not to give; and would +repeat again and again the wish which she knew could not be gratified. I +cannot boast that my temper was always proof against this chiding. +Sometimes I found safety in flight,--sometimes in the remembrance of +Miss Mortimer's patient suffering,--and in a heartfelt prayer, that my +life and my death might want every other comfort, rather than those +which had to the last supported the spirit of my friend. + +To all our other difficulties, a new cause of perplexity was suddenly +added. The toyman who purchased my work one evening informed me, that he +had an overstock of my baubles; and that unless I would greatly lower +their price, he could for the present employ me no more. I was +thunderstruck at this disaster. My earnings were already barely adequate +to our wants, therefore, to reduce my wretched gains, was to incur at +once all the real miseries of poverty. After my former experience in the +difficulty of procuring employment, the loss of my present one seemed +the sentence of ruin; and I, who should once have felt intolerable +hardship in one day of labour, could now foresee no greater misfortune +than idleness. + +I wandered home irresolute and disconsolate. I seemed burdened beyond my +strength, and felt the listless patience which succeeds a last vain +struggle. I entered my home with the heavy careless step of one who has +lost hope. My companion had sunk into a slumber; and as I watched her +peaceful insensibility, I almost wished that she might awaken no more. + +In such dark hours our departed sins ever return to haunt us. I +remembered the thoughtless profusion with which I had wasted the gifts +of fortune. I remembered that, with respect to every valuable purpose, +they had been bestowed upon me in vain. It was strictly just, that the +trust so abused should be entirely withdrawn; and, forgetful of all my +better prospects, I sunk into the despondence of one who feels the grasp +of inflexible, merciless justice. 'I will struggle with my fate no +more,' said I. 'I have deserved and will endure it patiently.' +Patiently! did I call it? Were my feelings those of one invited in a +course of steady endeavours to hope for a blessing, but forewarned that +this blessing might not wear the form of success? Did they not rather +resemble the sullen resignation of him who is thwarted by a resistless +adversary? + +A sentiment like this could not harbour long in a mind accustomed to +dwell upon the proofs of goodness unspeakable,--accustomed to commit its +cares to a Father's wisdom, to expect all its joys from a Father's love. +The hour came, the solemn hour, appointed perhaps to teach us at once +our dependence and our security, when, by the very constitution of our +frame, all mortal being resigns itself into the hands of the Guardian +who slumbereth not;--when all mortal being is forced to commit its +possessions, its powers, to His care, in order to receive them renovated +from His bounty again. I know not how it is with others, but I cannot +help considering the helplessness of sleep as an invitation to cast +myself implicitly upon His protection; nor can I feel the healthful +vivacity of the waking hour, without receiving in it a pledge of His +patience and His love. The morning found me in peace and in hope, +although I was as little as ever able to devise the means of my escape +from penury. + +One scheme at last occurred to me, which nothing but dire necessity +could have suggested; and which, in spite of the bitter medicine I had +received, still gave me pain enough to indicate the original disease of +my mind. This scheme was, to request that our landlady would endeavour +to dispose of my work among the families by whom she was employed. +Though she must have guessed at my situation, it could only be partially +known to her; for I had always taken care to discharge her claims with +scrupulous punctuality; submitting to many a privation, rather than fail +to lay aside daily the pittance necessary to answer her weekly demand. +To tell her of my wants,--to commit the story of them to her +discretion,--to claim her aid in a traffic which I myself had been +accustomed to consider as only a more modest kind of begging,--was so +revolting to my feelings, that, had my own wants alone been in question, +the effort would never have been made, while they were any thing less +than intolerable. But I did not _dare_ to resist the wants of Juliet, +for Juliet had wronged me. I could not resist them; for a series of +kindnesses, begun in a sense of duty, had awakened in my heart something +of its early affection towards her; and her melancholy decay of body and +of mind touched all that was compassionate in my nature. + +Yet I gladly recollected, that Mrs Campbell's absence would afford me +some hours of reprieve; and in the evening, the sound of her return made +my breath come short. Coldly and concisely I made my request, striving +the while for a look of unconcern. The request was cordially granted; +and the good woman proceeded to ask a hundred questions and +instructions; for she had none of that quick observation and instinctive +politeness which would have made my Highland friend instantly perceive +and avoid a painful subject. The only directions, however, which I was +inclined to give her, were to spare my name, and to use no solicitation. +Having prepared some toys, of which the workmanship constituted almost +the sole value, I committed them to her charge. + +The first day, she brought back my poor merchandise undiminished; and, +in consequence, I was obliged to let the toyman take it at little more +than the price of the materials. The second, however, she was more +fortunate. She sold a little painted basket for more than the sum I had +expected it to bring; and conveyed to me, besides, a message from the +purchaser, desiring that I would undertake to paint a set of ornaments +for a chimney-piece. My satisfaction was somewhat damped by the lady's +making it a condition of her employing me, that I should receive her +directions in person. There was no room for hesitation, however, and I +was obliged to consent. + +Poor Juliet was childishly delighted with out good fortune. 'Now,' cried +she, 'I may have the glass of Burgundy and water that you have been +refusing me these two days.' For two days she had almost entirely +rejected the simple fare which I could offer, though day and night she +ceased not to complain that she was pining for the support which her +languid frame required; and this same glass of Burgundy and water was +constantly declared to be the only endurable form of sustenance, the +panacea which was instantly to cure all her ailments. + +'Indeed, Juliet,' said I, 'we must endeavour to think of something else +that you can take. All the money we have, excepting what must be paid +Mrs Campbell to-morrow, would not buy the smallest quantity of Burgundy +that is sold.' + +'I am sure Mrs Campbell would wait,' returned Juliet: 'she does not want +the money.' + +'But we have no right to make her wait, Juliet. The money is not ours +but hers. Besides, you know, we find it difficult to meet even our +regular expense, so that to recover from debt, would, I am sure, be +impossible.' + +'Oh, from such a small debt as that,--but I cannot expect that you +should inconvenience yourself for me. I have not deserved it from you. I +have no right to hope that you should care for my wants or my +sufferings,--only from pity to the poor infant at my breast.' + +Juliet shed tears, and continued to weep and to complain, till, unable +to resist, yet determined not to make a concession which I knew by +experience would be as useless as ruinous, I started up and quitted her +without reply. I left her for some time alone, in hopes that she would +recollect the folly of her perseverance, or that her inclination might +wander to something more attainable. But when I again opened the door, +her hand was upon the lock. 'Oh!' cried she, 'I thought you would never +come! Where is it?' + +'Dear Juliet,' said I, sickened with her obstinacy, 'you know you ask +impossibilities.' + +She had persuaded herself that she had prevailed; and the +disappointment, however trivial, was more than she could bear. She burst +into violent sobs, which by degrees increased into a sort of asthmatic +fit, seeming to threaten immediate dissolution. Fortunately the family +were not yet in bed; and medical assistance, though of the humblest +kind, was almost immediately procured. As soon as the fit was removed, +the apothecary's apprentice, or as Mrs Campbell called him, 'the +doctor,' administered to his patient an opiate, which was so effectual, +that she was still in a quiet sleep when the hour came for visiting my +new employer. + +My reluctance to this visit was almost forgotten in the anxiety +occasioned by the situation of poor Juliet. All night as I watched by +her bed-side, I had half doubted the virtue of my resistance to her +wishes, and thought I would sacrifice any thing rather than again +exercise such hazardous fortitude. My blood ran cold at the thought that +I had nearly been in some sort the means of hurrying her to her great +account; an account for which she seemed, alas! so miserably unprepared. +The danger she had just escaped increased the anxiety which I had long +felt to obtain medical advice for her; and seemed to make it a moral +duty that I should no longer trust to my own unskilful management, that +which was so unspeakably important, and so lamentably frail. But the +means of purchasing advice were beyond my reach; and the thought of +procuring it in a manner more suitable to my condition had been often +dismissed as too humbling to bear consideration. + +My new employment now offered hopes of obtaining the assistance so much +desired. But the accomplishments of these hopes must of necessity be +distant, while Juliet's situation was no longer such as to admit of +delay. The only way of escaping from this perplexity was one to which I +felt extreme repugnance. This was, to request that the lady for whom I +was to paint the ornaments would advance part of the price of my work. + +I know not why I was so averse to make this request. Surely I was not so +silly as to be ashamed of poverty, nor weak enough to feel my +self-estimation lessened by the absence of that which could never be +considered as part of myself, but only of my outward situation! +Besides, whatever disgrace might rest upon a petition for charity, no +shame could reasonably attach to a fair demand upon the price +voluntarily offered for my labour. Though in spite of these, and many +other reasonable considerations, my averseness to this request remained +in full force, I never exactly discovered the grounds of it; because +experience had taught me, that when duty is ascertained to lie on one +side, it is better to omit all consideration of what might be said on +the other. Now, as it was certainly my duty, however painful, to procure +assistance for poor Juliet, it would have been imprudent to pry into the +reasons which might disincline me to the task. + +All this, with a hundred anticipations of success and of disappointment, +passed through my mind as I proceeded towards the place of my +destination. I was shown into the presence of an elderly lady of very +prepossessing appearance. The consistent, unaffected gravity of her +dress, air, and demeanour, claimed the respect due to her age, while her +benevolent countenance and gracious manner seemed to offer the +indulgence which youth requires. She received me with more than +courtesy; and entered into conversation with an ease which quickly made +me forget what was embarrassing in my visit. I soon perceived that our +favourable impressions were mutual; and was at no loss to account for +this good fortune on my part, when the lady hinted that she had borrowed +her sentiments from the grateful Mrs Campbell. + +It was not until near the close of a long interview that she contrived, +with a delicacy which spared the jealous sensibility of dependence, to +give directions for the work which she expected me to do; and to make me +understand that she would willingly proportion the recompense to the +labour bestowed. But the more her politeness invited me to respect +myself, the more painful became the thought of sinking at once from an +equal to a suppliant; and as the moment approached when the effort must +be made, my spirits forsook me. I became absent and embarrassed. I +hesitated; and half persuaded myself, that I had no right to tax the +kindness of a stranger. Then I remembered Juliet's extreme danger, the +scene which was still before my eyes, her frightful struggles for +breath, the deadly exhaustion which followed; and it seemed as if my +humiliation would scarcely cost me an effort. 'There is a favour,'--I +began; but when I met the enquiring eye, I hastily withdrew mine; the +scorching blood rushed to my cheeks; and I stood abashed and silent. + +'You were going to say something,' said the lady. I stammered I know +not what. She took my hand with the kind familiarity of a friend. 'I +wish,' said she, in a voice of gentle solicitude, 'that I could make you +forget the shortness of our acquaintance. It is hard that you should +think of me as a stranger, while I feel as if I had known you from your +cradle.' + +The voice of kindness has ever found instant access to my heart; yet it +was not gratitude alone which filled my eyes with tears as I uttered my +confused reply. 'Oh, you are good--I see that you are good,' said I; +'and I know I ought not to feel--I ought not to give way to--but not +even extreme necessity could have----' + +I stopped; but the lady's purse was already in her hand. 'If I dared,' +said she, 'I could chide you well; for I fear you are one of those who +will scarcely accept the bounty of Providence if He administer it by any +hand but his own. Try to receive this trifle as if it came directly from +Himself.' + +I now quickly recovered my powers of speech, while I assured the lady +that she had mistaken my meaning, and explained to her the favour which +I had really intended to ask. Then, recollecting the justice of her +reproof, 'Yes, chide me as you will,' said I; 'I have not deserved so +gentle a monitor. I deserve to be severely reminded of the humility with +which every gift of Heaven ought to be received by one who has so often +forfeited them all.' + +The lady, who seemed perfectly to understand the character with which +she had to do, now frankly bestowed the assistance asked, and delicately +offered no more. As I was taking my leave, she enquired my address; +adding, that she believed Mrs Campbell had neglected to mention my name. +Again I felt my face glow; but I had seen my error, and would not +persist in it. 'No, madam,' said I, 'a blamable weakness made me +desirous to conceal my name; but you are not one of those who will think +the worse of Ellen Percy because she contributes to her own support.' + +'Percy!' repeated the lady, as if struck with some sudden recollection. +'But I think Mrs Campbell mentioned that you had no connections in +Scotland.' + +'None, madam; scarcely even an acquaintance.' + +'Then,' said the lady, 'it must be another person for whom my friend is +enquiring so assiduously.' + +I would fain have asked who this friend was; but the lady did not +explain herself, and I was obliged to depart without gratifying my +curiosity. That curiosity, however, presently gave way to stronger +interests. It was now in my power to obtain a real benefit for poor +Juliet. As for the morbid inclination which had cost her so dear, I +found it fixed upon a new trifle, which was soon procured, and as soon +rejected. But I could now obtain medical advice for her, and I did not +delay to use the advantage; though she was herself so insensible to her +danger that she was with difficulty brought to consent that a physician +should be called. Recollecting the person to whom I owed my escape from +the most horrible of confinements, and naturally preferring his +attendance to that of a stranger, I sent to request his presence; and he +immediately obeyed the summons. + +I watched his countenance and manner as he interrogated his poor +patient, and could easily perceive that he judged the case hopeless; +while she evidently tried to mislead him, as she had deceived herself, +retracting or qualifying the statement of every symptom which he +appeared to think unfavourable. At the close of his visit, I quitted the +room with him. He had written no prescription; and I enquired whether he +had no directions to give. 'None,' said he, hastening to be gone, +'except to let her do as she pleases.' I offered him the customary fee. +'No, no, child,' said he; 'it is needless to throw away both my time and +your money; either of them is enough to lose.' + +Strong as had been my conviction of the danger, I was shocked at this +unequivocal opinion. 'Oh, sir!' cried I, 'can nothing be done?' + +'Nothing in the world, my dear,' said he, carelessly: 'all the +physicians in Europe could not keep her alive a week.' + +Our melancholy dialogue was interrupted by a noise as of somebody +falling to the ground. I sprung back into the passage, and found Juliet +lying senseless on the floor. Some apprehension excited by Dr ----'s +manner had induced her to steal from her apartment, and listen to our +conversation. The intelligence thus obtained she had not fortitude to +bear. She recovered from her insensibility, only to give way to the most +pitiable anguish. She wept aloud, and wrung her wasted hands in agony. +'Oh, I shall die! I shall die!' she cried; and she continued to repeat +this mournful cry, as if all the energies of her mind could furnish only +one frightful thought. In vain did I attempt to console her; in vain +endeavour to lead towards a better world the hope which was driven from +its rest below. To all sights and sounds she was already dead. At last +exhausted nature could struggle with its burden no more; and the cries +of despair, and the sobs of weakness, sunk by degrees into the moanings +of an unquiet slumber. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + _A chieftain's daughter seemed the maid._ + * * * * * + _And seldom o'er a breast so fair + Mantled a plaid with modest care; + And never brooch the folds confined + Above a heart more good and kind._ + + Walter Scott. + + +In the morning, when I opened my eyes, Juliet was so peacefully still, +that I listened doubtfully for her breathing; and felt myself relieved +by the certainly that she was alive. I was astonished to find that she +was awake, though so composed; and was wondering at this unaccountable +change, when she suddenly asked me whether Dr ---- was reckoned a man of +any skill in his profession? 'for,' said she, 'he seemed to know nothing +at all of my disorder, except what he learnt from myself; so most likely +he mistakes it altogether.' Shocked to see her thus obstinately cling to +the broken reed, yet wanting courage to wrest it from her hold, I +entreated her to consider that it would not add to the justice of Dr +----'s fears, if she should act as though they were well founded; nor +shorten her life, if she should hasten to accomplish whatever she would +wish to perform ere its close. She was silent for a little; then, with a +deep sigh, 'You are right,' said she. 'Sit down, and I will dictate a +letter, which you shall write, to my brother.' + +I obeyed; and she began to dictate with wonderful precision a letter, in +which she detailed the opinion of her counsel; named the persons who +could evidence her claims; and dexterously appealed to the ruling +passion of Mr Arnold, by reminding him, that if he could establish the +legitimacy of his nephew, he must, in case of Lord Glendower's death, +become the natural guardian of a youth possessed of five-and-twenty +thousand pounds a year. Who could observe without a sigh, that, while +with a sort of instinctive tact she addressed herself to the faults of +others, she remained in melancholy blindness to her own; and that the +transient strength which the morning restored to her mind, could not +reach her more than childish improvidence in regard to her most +important concerns? But her powers were soon exhausted; before the +letter was finished, her thoughts wandered, and she lay for some hours +as if in a sort of waking dream. + +How little do they know of a death-bed who have seen it only in the +graceful pictures of fiction! How little do they guess the ghastly +horrors of sudden dissolution, the humiliating weakness of slow decay! +Paint them even from the life, and much remains to tell which no +spectator can record, much which no language can unfold. 'Oh, who that +could see thee thus,' thought I, as I looked upon the languid, +inexpressive countenance of the once playful Juliet,--'who that could +see thee thus, would defer to an hour like this, the hard task of +learning to die with decency?' + +I was sitting by the bed-side of my companion, supporting with one hand +her poor deserted baby, and making with the other an awkward attempt to +sketch designs for the ornaments which I had undertaken to paint, when +the door was gently opened; and the lady for whom I was employed +entered, followed by another, whose appearance instantly fixed my +attention. Her stature was majestic; her figure of exquisite proportion. +Her complexion, though brunette, was admirably transparent; and her +colour, though perhaps too florid for a sentimental eye, glowed with the +finest tints of health. Her black eyebrows, straight but flexible, +approached close to a pair of eyes so dark and sparkling, that their +colour was undistinguishable. No simile in oriental poetry could +exaggerate the regularity and whiteness of her teeth; nor painter's +dream of Euphrosyne exceed the arch vivacity of her smile. Perhaps a +critic might have said that her figure was too large, and too angular +for feminine beauty; that it was finely, but not delicately formed. Even +I could have wished the cheek-bones depressed, the contour somewhat +rounded, and the lines made more soft and flowing. But Charlotte Graham +had none of that ostentation of beauty which provokes the gazer to +criticise. + +Her face, though too handsome to be a common one, struck me at first +sight as one not foreign to my acquaintance. When her companion named +her, I recollected my friend Cecil; and there certainly was a family +likeness between these relations, although the latter was a short +square-built personage, with no great pretensions to beauty. The +expressions of the two countenances were more dissimilar than the +features. Cecil's was grave, penetrating, and, considering her age and +sex, severe; Miss Graham's was arch, frank, and animated. Yet there was +in the eye of both a keen sagacity, which seemed accustomed to look +beyond the words of the speaker to his motive. + +The deep mourning which Miss Graham wore accounted to me for the cast of +sorrow which often crossed a face formed by nature to far different +expression. Her manners had sufficient freedom to banish restraint, and +sufficient polish to make that freedom graceful; yet for me they +possessed an interesting originality. They were polite, but not +fashionable; they were courtly, but not artificial. They were perfectly +affable, and as free from arrogance as those of a doubting lover; yet in +her mien, in her gait, in every motion, in every word, Miss Graham +showed the unsubdued majesty of one who had never felt the presence of a +superior; of one much accustomed to grant, but not to solicit +indulgence. + +Such were the impressions which I had received, almost as soon as Miss +Graham's companion, with a polite apology for their intrusion, had +introduced her to me by name. I was able to make the necessary +compliment without any breach of sincerity; for feebler attractions +would have interested me in the person with whom Cecil had already made +me so well acquainted. But when Miss Graham spoke, her voice alone must +have won any hearer. + +'If Miss Percy excuses us,' said she in tones, which, in spite of the +lively imperative accents of her country, were sweetness itself, 'my +conscience will be quite at rest, for I am persuaded it is with her that +my business lies. No two persons could answer the description.' + +'You may remember,' said her companion, smiling at my surprised and +inquisitive look, 'I yesterday mentioned a friend who was in search of a +young lady of your name. We are now in hopes that her search ends in +you; and this must be our apology for a great many impertinent +questions.' + +'Oh no,' said Miss Graham, 'one will be sufficient. Suffer me only to +ask who were your parents.' + +I answered the question readily and distinctly. 'Then,' said Miss +Graham, with a smile, which at once made its passage to my heart, 'I +have the happiness to bring you a pleasant little surprise. My brother +has been so fortunate as to recover a debt due to Mr Percy. He has +transmitted it hither; and Sir William Forbes will honour your draft for +1500_l._' + +There are persons who will scarcely believe that I at first heard this +intelligence with little joy. 'Alas!' thought I, looking at poor Juliet, +'it has come too late.' But recollecting that I was not the less +indebted to the kindness of my benefactors, I turned to Miss Graham, and +offered, as I could, my warm acknowledgments. Miss Graham assured me, +with looks which evinced sincerity, that she was already more than +repaid for the service she had rendered me; and prevented further +thanks, by proceeding in her explanation. + +'My brother,' said she, 'traced you to the house of a Miss Mortimer and +from thence to Edinburgh; but here he lost you; and being himself at a +distance, he commissioned me to search for you. I received some +assistance from a very grateful _protegée_ of yours and mine, whom I +dare say you recollect by the name of Cecil Graham. She directed me to +the Boswells; but they pretended to know nothing of you: so I came to +town a few days ago, very much at a loss how to proceed, though +determined not to see Glen Eredine again till I found you.' + +'And is it possible,' exclaimed I, 'that I have indeed excited such +generous interest in strangers?' + +'Call me stranger, if you will,' said Miss Graham, 'provided you allow +that the name gives me a right to a kind reception. But do you include +my brother under that title? I am sure the description he has given of +you shows that he is, at least, well acquainted with your appearance.' + +'The dimple and the black eyelashes tally exactly,' said her companion. +'And I could swear to the smile,' returned Miss Graham. 'Nevertheless,' +said I, 'it is only from the praises of his admirer, Cecil, that I know +Mr Kenneth Graham, to whom I presume I am so much indebted.' + +The playful smile, the bright hues of health, vanished from Charlotte's +face; and her eyes filled with tears, 'No,' said she, 'it is not to----' +She paused, as if to utter the name had been an effort beyond her +fortitude. 'It is Mr Henry Graham,' said her companion, as if to spare +her the pain of explanation, 'who has been so fortunate as to do you +this service.' + +I know not exactly why, but my heart beat quicker at this intelligence. +I had listened so often to Cecil's prophecies, and omens, and good +wishes, that I believe I felt a foolish kind of consciousness at the +name of this Henry Graham, and the mention of my obligation to him. + +'Have you no recollection then of ever having met with Henry?' enquired +Miss Graham, recovering herself. + +I rubbed my forehead and did my very utmost; but was obliged to confess +that it was all in vain. The rich Miss Percy had been so accustomed to +crowds of attending beaux, that my eye might have been familiar with his +appearance, while his name was unknown to me. + +'Well,' said Miss Graham, 'I can vouch for the possibility of +remembering you for ever after a very transient interview; and when you +know Henry better, I dare say you will not forget him.' + +We now talked of our mutual acquaintance, Cecil; which led Miss Graham +to comment upon the peculiar manners of her countrymen, and upon the +contrast which they offered to those of the Lowland Scotch. Though her +conversation upon this, and other subjects, betrayed no marks of +extraordinary culture, it discovered a native sagacity, a quickness and +accuracy of observation, which I have seldom found surpassed. Her visit +was over before I guessed that it had lasted nearly two hours; and so +great were her attractions, so delightful seemed the long untasted +pleasures of equal and friendly converse, that I thought less of the +unexpected news which she had brought me, than of the hour which she +fixed for her return. + +My thoughts, indeed, no sooner turned towards my newly acquired riches, +than I perceived that they could not, with any shadow of justice, be +called mine; and that they in truth belonged to those who had suffered +by the misfortunes of my father. I therefore resolved to forget that the +money was within my reach; and to labour as I should have done, had no +kind friend intended my relief. Still this did not lessen my sense of +obligation; and gratitude enlivened the curiosity which often turned my +speculations towards Henry Graham. Once as I kept my solitary watch over +Juliet's heavy unrefreshing slumbers, I thought I recollected hearing +her, and some of our mutual acquaintance, descant upon the graces of an +Adonis, who, for one night, had shone the meteor of the fashionable +hemisphere, and then been seen no more. I had been present at his +appearance, but too much occupied with Lord Frederick to observe the +wonder. I afterwards endeavoured to make Juliet assist my recollection; +but her memory no longer served even for much more important affairs; +and all my efforts ended at last in retouching the pictures which I had +accustomed myself to embody of this same Henry Graham. I imaged him with +more than his sister's dignity of form and gesture,--with all her +regularity of feature, and somewhat of her national squareness of +contour;--with all the vivacity and intelligence of her countenance, +strengthened into masculine spirit and sagacity;--with the eye which +Cecil had described, as able to quell even the sallies of frenzy;--with +the smile which his sister could send direct to the heart. At +Charlotte's next visit, I obliged her to describe her brother; and I had +guessed so well, that she only improved my picture, by adding some +minuter strokes to the likeness. + +At the same time she removed all my scruples in regard to appropriating +the sum which he had obtained for me, by assuring me, that he had +undertaken the recovery of the debt only upon this express condition, +that half the amount should belong to me; and that to this condition the +creditors had readily consented. + +The possession of this little fortune soon became a real blessing; for +Juliet's increasing helplessness loaded my time with a burden which +almost precluded other labour. She was emaciated to a degree which made +stillness and motion alike painful to her; a restless desire of change +seemed the only human feeling which the hand of death had not already +palsied; and a childish sense of her dependence upon me was the sole +wreck of human affection which her decay had spared. Even the fear of +death subsided into the listless acquiescence of necessity. Yet no +nobler solicitudes seemed to replace the waning interests of this life. +Feeble as it was, her mind yet retained the inexplicable power to +exclude thoughts of overwhelming force. + +I had seen the inanity of her life; I had alas! shared in her mad +neglect of all the serious duties, of all the best hopes of man; and I +did not dare to see her die in this portentous lethargy of soul. At +every short revival of her strength, or transient clearness of her +intellect, I spoke to her of all which I most desired to impress upon +her mind. At first she answered me by tears and complainings, then by a +listless silence; nor did better success attend the efforts of persons +more skilled in rousing the sleeping conscience. The eloquence of friend +and pastor was alike unavailing to extort one tear of genuine penitence; +for the energy was wanting, without which a prophet might have smitten +the rock in vain. + +I must have been more or less than human, could my spirits have resisted +the influence of a scene so dreary as a death-chamber without hope; yet +when I saw my companion sinking to an untimely grave, closing a life +without honour in a death without consolation; when I remembered that we +had begun our career of folly together,--that, from equal wanderings, I +had alone been restored,--from equal shipwrecks, I had alone escaped,--I +felt that I had reason to mingle strong gratitude for what I was, with +deep humiliation for what I might have been! + +It was not that I became sensible of the treasure which I had found in +Charlotte Graham. Taught by experience, I had at first yielded with +caution to the attraction of her manners; and often (though in her +absence only I must own) remembered with a sigh how many other qualities +must conspire to fit the companion for the friend. But now, when she +daily forsook admiration, and gaiety, and elegance, to share with me the +cares of a sick-chamber, I daily felt the benefits of her piety, +discretion, and sweetness of temper; and a friendship began, which, I +trust, will outlast our lives. + +Although she had too much of the politeness of good feeling to hint an +expectation that I should forsake my unhappy charge, she constantly +spoke of my visiting Castle Eredine, as of a pleasure which she could +not bear to leave in uncertainty; and she detailed plans for our +employments, for our studies, for our excursions among her native hills, +with a minuteness which showed how much the subject occupied her mind. +All her plans bore a constant reference to Glen Eredine. They were +incapable of completion elsewhere. My lessons on the harp were to be +given under the rock of echoes,--in a certain cave she was to teach me +the songs of Selma,--we were to climb Benarde together,--from +Dorch'thalla we were to sketch the lake beyond, with all its mountain +shadows on its breast; while the rocks, which a nameless torrent had +severed from the cliff, and the roots which, with emblematic constancy, +had still clung to them in their fall, were to furnish fore-grounds +unequalled in the tameness of Lowland scenery. + +To all the objects round her native vale, Charlotte's imagination seemed +to lend a kind of vitality. She loved them as I should have loved an +animated being; and the more characteristic, or, as I should then have +expressed it, the more savage they were, the stronger seemed their hold +on her affection. I like a little innocent prejudice, so long as it does +not thwart my own. I verily believe, that Charlotte would have thought +Glen Eredine insulted by a comparison to the vale of Tempe. She often +spoke with enthusiastic respect of her father, whom she had left at +Castle Eredine; and with so much solicitude of the blank which her +absence would occasion to him, that I could not help wondering why she +delayed her return. She never mentioned any business that might detain +her; and amusement could not be her bribe, for her time was chiefly +spent in my melancholy dwelling. + +Our cheerless task, however, at length was closed. By a change scarcely +perceptible to us, Juliet passed from the lethargy of exhausted life to +deeper and more solemn repose. I felt the intermitting pulse,--I watched +the failing breath; yet so gradual and so complete was her decay, that I +knew not the moment of her departure. All suffering she was spared; for +suffering would, to human apprehension, have been useless to her. I did +not commit her remains to the cares of a stranger. The hand of a friend +composed her for her last repose; the tears of a friend dropped upon her +clay; but they were not the tears of sorrow. Poor Juliet! Less ingenuity +than that which led thee through a degraded life to an unlamented grave +would have procured for thee the best which this world has to give, an +unmolested passage to a better. + +Two days after her death, I received from her brother a promise of +protection to the heir of Lord Glendower, and permission, in case of +that event, to send the boy to his uncle, together with the pledges of +legitimacy, which constituted his sole hold upon the justice or +compassion of Mr Arnold. Fortunately for the poor infant, the question +upon which depended the tender cares of his uncle was decided in his +favour. Juliet's marriage was sanctioned; and though her death left Lord +Glendower at liberty to repair, in some sort, the injury which he had +done to Lady Maria, the rights of his first-born son could not be +transferred to the children of his more regular marriage. + +When my cares were no longer necessary to my ill-fated companion, I +yielded to the kind persuasions of Miss Graham; and suffered her to +introduce me to whatever was most worthy of observation in a city which +I had as yet so imperfectly seen. Our mornings were generally spent in +examining the town or its environs; our evenings in a kind of society +which I had till now known only in detached specimens; a society in +which there was every thing to delight, though nothing to +astonish,--much good manners, and therefore little singularity,--general +information, and therefore little pedantry,--much good taste, and +therefore little notoriety. I could no longer complain that the ladies +were inaccessible. Introduced by Miss Graham, I was every where received +with more than courtesy; and I, who a few weeks before could scarcely +obtain permission to earn a humble subsistence, was now overwhelmed with +a hospitality which scarcely left me the command of an hour. + +And now I was again assailed by the temptation which had formerly +triumphed unresisted. There is no place on earth where beauty is more +surely made dangerous to its possessor; and Charlotte and I could +scarcely have attracted more attention, had we appeared mounted upon +elephants. But I had lost my taste for admiration. I disliked the +constant watchfulness which it imposed upon me; and its pleasures poorly +compensated the pain of upbraiding myself the next moment with my folly +in being so pleased. As to open compliment, it cost me an effort to +answer it with good humour. 'The man suspects that I am vain,' thought +I, as often as I was so addressed; and the suspicion was too near truth +to be forgiven. The only real satisfaction which I derived from the +preposterous homage paid to me, arose from the new light in which it +displayed the generous nature of Charlotte Graham. Yes; trifles serve to +display a great mind; and there was true generosity in the graceful +willingness with which Charlotte, at a time of life when the +precariousness of attentions begin to give them value, withdrew from +competition with a rival inferior to her in every charm which is not +affected by seven years difference of age. + +Upon the whole, nothing could be more agreeably amusing, than my +residence in Edinburgh; and the contrast of my late confinement +heightened pleasure to delight. From the time of Lady Glendower's death, +it had been settled that I was to accompany Charlotte to Glen Eredine; +but I must own that I felt no inclination to hasten our departure. +Without once uttering a word, which could place the delay to my account, +Miss Graham deferred our departure from day to day. Yet some involuntary +look or expression constantly betrayed to me, that her heart was in Glen +Eredine. + +'Ah, that very sun is setting behind Benarde!' said she with a sigh, one +evening when, from a promenade such as no other city can present, we +were contemplating a gorgeous sunset. + +'One would imagine by that sigh, Charlotte,' said I smiling, 'that you +and some dear friend not far from Benarde had made an appointment to +watch the setting sun together.' + +'There's a flight!' cried she laughing. 'No am I sure, that such a fancy +would never have entered your mind, if you had not been in love. Come; +look me in the face, and let me catechise you.' + +'Not guilty, upon my honour.' + +'Humph! This does look very like a face of innocence, I confess. But +stay till you know Henry. Let me see how you will stand examination +then.' + +'Just as I do now, I promise you. I ought to have been in love long ago, +if the thing had been possible.' + +'Ought? Pray what might impose the duty upon you?' + +'The regard of one of the best and wisest of mankind, Charlotte. It was +once my fate to draw the attention of your countryman,--the generous, +the eloquent Mr Maitland.' + +I saw Miss Graham start; but she remained silent. 'You must have heard +of him?' continued I; but at that moment, casting my eyes upon +Charlotte, I saw her blush painfully. 'You know him then,' said I. + +'Yes I--I do,' answered she hesitatingly; and walked on, in a profound +reverie. + +A long silence followed; for Charlotte's blushes and abstraction had +told me a tale in which I could not be uninterested. I perceived that +her acquaintance with Maitland, however slight, had been sufficient to +fix her affections on a spirit so congenial to her own. 'Well, well,' +thought I, 'they will meet one day or other; and he will find out that +she likes him, and the discovery will cost him trouble enough to make it +worth something. She will devote herself willingly to love and solitude, +which is just what he wishes, and I dare say they will be very happy. +Men can be happy with any body. And yet Maitland hates beauties; and +Miss Graham certainly is a beauty.' However, when I threw a glance upon +Charlotte, I thought I had never seen her look so little handsome; for +it must be confessed that the lover must be more than indifferent, whom +his old mistress can willingly resign to a new one. + +I soon, however, began to reproach myself with the uneasiness to which I +was subjecting the generous friend to whom I owed such varied forms of +kindness. But the difficulty was, how I should return to the subject +which we had quitted; for, in spite of the frankness of Charlotte's +manners, my freedom with her had limits which were impassable. When she +had once indicated the point upon which she would not be touched, I +dared not even to approach it. The silence, therefore, continued till +she interrupted it by saying, 'You are offended with me, Ellen, and you +have reason to be so; for I put a question which no friend has a right +to ask.' + +'Dear Charlotte,' returned I, 'surely you have a right to expect from me +any confidence that you will accept; and I shall most readily----' + +'No,' interrupted Miss Graham, 'such questions as mine ought neither to +be asked nor answered. If an attachment is fortunate, it is to be +supposed that the event will soon publish it; if not, the confession is +a degradation to which no human being has a right to subject another.' + +'Well,' thought I, 'this is very intelligible, and I shall take care not +to trespass. But I will not keep thy generous heart in pain. Cost what +it will, thou shalt know that thou hast nothing to fear from me.' It was +more easy to resolve than to execute; and I felt my cheek glow with +blushes, more, I fear, of pride than modesty, while I struggled to +relieve the anxiety of my friend. 'Nay, Charlotte,' said I, 'you must +listen to a confession, which is humbling enough, though not exactly of +the kind you allude to. I must do Mr Maitland the justice to say, that +he never put it in my power to reject him. He saw that I was no fit wife +for him; and, at the very moment of confessing his weakness, he +renounced it for ever. Do not look incredulous. It is not a pretty face, +nor even the noble fortune I then expected, that could bribe Maitland to +marry a heartless, unprincipled ----. Thanks be to Heaven that I am +changed--greatly changed. But I assure you, Charlotte, I have not now +the slightest reason to believe myself any bar to your--to Mr Maitland's +happiness with some--some--with somebody who has not my unlucky +incapacity for being in love.' + +To this confession, Miss Graham answered only by affectionately pressing +my hand; and then escaped from the subject, by turning from me to speak +to a passing acquaintance. From that time Charlotte, though in other +points perfectly confiding, spoke no more of Maitland; and I must own, +that my respect for her was increased by her reserve upon a topic +prohibited alike by delicacy and discretion. We had indeed no need of +boarding-school confidences to enliven our intercourse. Each eager for +improvement and for information, we had been so differently educated, +that each had much to communicate and to learn. Our views of common +subjects were different enough to keep conversation from stagnating; +while our accordance upon more important points formed a lasting bond +of union. Whoever understands the delights of a kitten and a cork, may +imagine that I was at times no bad companion: and Charlotte was +peculiarly fitted for a friend; for she had sound principles, +unconquerable sweetness of temper, sleepless discretion, and a +politeness which followed her into the homeliest scenes of domestic +privacy. + +How often, as her character unfolded itself, did I wonder what strange +fatality had forbidden Maitland to return the affection of a woman so +formed to satisfy his fastidious judgment. But I was forced to wonder in +silence. Charlotte, open as day on every other theme, was here as +impenetrable, as unapproachable, as virgin dignity could make her. +Notwithstanding the recency of our friendship, it was already strong +enough to render every other interest mutual; and Charlotte easily drew +from me the little story of my life and sentiments, while I listened +with insatiable curiosity, to the accounts she gave me of her home, of +her family, and, above all, of her brother Henry. + +This was a theme in which she seemed very willing to indulge me. She +spoke of him frequently; and the passages which she read to me from his +letters often made me remember with a sigh that I had no brother. He +seemed to address her as a friend, as an equal; and yet with the +tenderness which difference of sex imposes upon a man of right feeling. +She was his almoner. Through her he transmitted many a humble comfort to +his native valley; and though he had been so many years an alien, he was +astonishingly minute and skilful in the direction of his benevolence. He +appeared to be acquainted with the character and situation of an +incredible number of his clansmen; and the interest and authority with +which he wrote of them seemed little less than patriarchal. Though I +must own that his commands were not always consonant to English ideas of +liberty, they seemed uniformly dictated by the spirit of disinterested +justice and humanity; and Graham, in exercising almost the control of an +absolute prince, was guided by the feelings of a father. + +Though Glen Eredine seemed the passion of his soul,--though every letter +was full of the concerns of his clansmen,--there was nothing theatrical +in his plans for their interest or improvement. They were minute and +practicable, rather than magnificent. No whole communities were to be +hurried into civilisation, nor districts depopulated by way of +improvement; but some encouragement was to be given to the schoolmaster; +Bibles were to be distributed to his best scholars; or Henry would +account to his father for the rent of a tenant, who, with his own hands, +had reclaimed a field from rock and broom; or, at his expense, the new +cottages were to be plastered, and furnished with doors and sashed +windows. The execution of these humble plans was, for the present, +committed to Charlotte; and the details which she gave me concerning +them described a mode of life so oddly compounded of refinement and +simplicity, that curiosity somewhat balanced my regret in leaving +Edinburgh. + +On a fine morning in September we began our journey; and though I was +accompanied by all on earth I had to love, and though I was leaving what +had been to me the scene of severe suffering, I could not help looking +back with watery eyes upon a place which perhaps no traveller, uncertain +of return, ever quitted without a sigh. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + _----Every good his native wilds impart + Imprints the patriot passion on his heart; + And even those hills that round his mansion rise + Enhance the bliss his scanty fund supplies. + Dear is that shed to which his soul conforms; + And dear that hill which lifts him to the storms. + And as a babe, when scaring sounds molest, + Clings close and closer to the mother's breast, + So the loud torrent, and the whirlwind's roar, + But bind him to his native mountains more._ + + Goldsmith. + + +During our first day's journey, the road lay through a country so rich +and so level, that but for the deep indenting of the horizon, I could +have fancied myself in England. 'That would be thought a fine park even +in my country,' said I, as we were passing a princely place. 'Ah, stay +till you see the parks of Eredine!' said Charlotte.[20] It is not to be +told what superb conceptions I formed of these same parks of Eredine; +for my companion did not enter on the description. I thought Blenheim +was to be a paddock compared with them! + +Towards evening, the mountains which had once seemed as soft in the +distance as the clouds which rested on them, began to be marked by the +grey lights on the rock, and the deep shadows of the ravine. The morning +brought a complete change of scene. Corn fields and massive foliage had +given place to dull heath, varied only by streaks of verdure, which +betrayed a sheep-track or the path of a nameless rill; while here and +there, a solitary birch 'shivered in silvery brightness.' The hill, +climbed long and painfully, rewarded us with no change of prospect; and +the short descent was immediately succeeded by a more tedious climb. + +At last, in a narrow valley, which by contrast looked rich and inviting, +we beheld traces of human habitation; and the change of garb, of +countenance, and of accommodation, announced that we were now, as +Charlotte said, in her 'unconquered country.'--'The Roman,' said she, +'when he had bowed "the sons of little men" to the dust, was forced to +shrink behind his ramparts from the valour of _our_ fathers.' + +I own that I was somewhat confused between my own perceptions and the +enthusiasm of my companion. Her eyes flashing through tears of joy, she +shook me triumphantly by the hand. 'You are welcome to the Highlands!' +cried she; 'to the land where never friend found a traitor, nor enemy a +coward!' + +In spite of this burst of _amor partiæ_, we were still almost a day's +journey from Charlotte's native place. The mountains had become more +precipitous, and the valleys more clothed, when my companion pointed out +the spot where we were to dine; and intimated, that we must there +exchange our carriage for a mode of conveyance better suited to the way +which lay before us. + +The exterior of our inn was certainly none of the most inviting. The +walls, composed of turf and loose stones, were too low to prevent me +from plucking the hare-bells which grew on the top of them; and the +thatch, varied with every hue of moss and lichen, was more to be admired +for picturesque effect, than for any more useful quality of a roof. The +chimney-crag seemed composed of the wreck of what had once been a tub; +the hoops of which, having yielded to the influence of time and the +seasons, were rather imperfectly supplied by bands of twisted heath. The +hut was, however, distinguished from its fellow hovels, by a sashed +window on one side of the door, a most incondite picture of a bottle and +glass on the other, and a stone lintel, bearing, in characters of no +modern shape, the following inscription:-- + + 16..W.M.T. Pilgrims we be ilk ane, M.M.B...07. + That passen and are gane; + Then here sall pilgrim be + Welcom'd wi' courtesie. + +Before we could draw up to the door of this superb hotel[21], it poured +forth a swarm of children, more numerous than I could have thought it +possible for such a place to contain. I was prepared to expect the +savage nakedness of legs and feet, which was universal among these +little barbarians. For the rest, their attire was rather ludicrous than +mean. The boys, even though still in their infancy, were helmed in the +martial bonnet of their countrymen; and their short tartan petticoats +were appended to a certain scarlet or blue _juste au corps_, laced up +the back, as if to prevent these children of nature from asserting a +primeval contempt of clothing. With the girls, however, this point +seemed intrusted to feminine sense of propriety; for their upper garment +consisted either of a loose jacket, or a square piece of woollen cloth +thrown round the shoulders, and fastened under the chin only by a huge +brass pin, or a wooden skewer. The absurdity of their appearance was +heightened by the premature gravity of their countenances; which were +more like the grim-visaged babes in an old family picture, than the +animation of youthful life. In profound silence they stood courtesying +as we passed; while the boys remained cap in hand till we entered the +hut. + +It consisted of two apartments; one of which I dimly discerned through +the smoke to be occupied by a group of peasants, collected round some +embers which lay in the middle of the floor. Into the other, which was +the state-chamber, Miss Graham and I made our way. It appeared to have +been hastily cleared for our reception; for the earthen floor, as well +as an oaken table, which stood in the middle of it, was covered with +_debris_ of cheese, oat-cakes, and raw onions, intermixed with slops of +whisky. The good woman, however, who was doing the honours, rectified +the disorder seemingly to her own satisfaction, by taking up the corner +of her apron, and sweeping the rubbish from the table to the floor. +Meanwhile she entered into a conversation with Miss Graham, in which +every possible question was directly or indirectly asked, except the +only one which on such occasions I was accustomed to hear, namely, what +we chose to have for dinner. But as it proved, this question would have +been the most unnecessary of all; for, upon enquiry, we learnt that our +choice was limited to a fowl, or, as the landlady termed it, 'a hen.' + +While this point was settling, the head waiter and chamber-maid appeared +in the person of a square built wench, naked up to the middle of a +scarlet leg, and without any head-dress except a bandeau of blue worsted +tape. Having tossed a lapfull of brushwood into the chimney (for the +state-chamber had a chimney), she next brought, upon a piece of slate, +some embers which she added to the heap; then squatting herself upon the +hearth, she took hold of her petticoat with both hands at the hem, +tightening it by her elbows; and moving her arms quickly up and down, +she soon fanned the fire into a blaze. + +Next came our landlord in the full garb of his country; and great was my +astonishment to see him hold out his hand to Miss Graham as to a +familiar acquaintance. Nor was my surprise at all lessened, when he +coolly took his seat between us, and began to favour us with his +opinions upon continental politics. Provoked by this impertinence, and +by the courtesy with which Miss Graham received it, I interrupted his +remarks, by desiring he would get me a glass of water. Without moving +from his position, he communicated my demand to the maid; and went on +with his conversation. I took the first opportunity of reproving +Charlotte's tame endurance of all this. 'What would you have had me do?' +said she: 'he is a discreet, sensible man, and a gentleman.' + +'A gentleman!' repeated I. + +'Yes,' returned Charlotte, 'I assure you he is my father's third cousin; +and can count kindred, besides, with the best in Perthshire.' + +It was plain that Miss Graham and I affixed somewhat different ideas to +the word 'gentleman;' however, upon the claims of his ancestors, I was +obliged to admit this _gentleman_ to our dinner-table; when, after a +violent commotion among the poultry had announced mortal preparation for +our repast, it at last appeared. Our unhappy 'hen,' whose dying limbs no +civilised hand had composed, was reinforced by a dish of salmon (large +enough to satisfy ten dragoons), which Miss Graham with some difficulty, +persuaded the landlady that the stranger might condescend to taste. + +Towards the close of our meal, our attendant pushed aside the panel of a +large wooden bed, which occupied one side of our apartment; and, from a +shelf within, produced a large cheese, and an earthen pitcher full of +butter, which she placed upon the table. Then, from the coverlet, where +they had been arranged to cool, she brought us a large supply of +oat-cakes. I fear I was not polite enough to suppress some natural signs +of loathing; for the girl, with the quick observation of her countrymen, +instantly apologised for the cause of my disgust. 'It is just for sake +of keeping them clean, with your leave,' said she; 'there's so many +soot-drops fall through this house.' In spite of this apology, however, +I was so thoroughly disgusted, that I heard with great joy the trampling +of our horses at the door; and immediately ran out to survey the +cavalcade which had been despatched from Castle Eredine for our +accommodation. + +It consisted of three horses of very diminutive size; two of which were +intended to carry Miss Graham and myself, and the third to transport our +baggage. This last was caparisoned somewhat like a gipsy's ass, with two +panniers slung across his back by means of a rope that seemed composed +of his own hair. Into one of these panniers the _gille trushannich_[22] +pushed Miss Graham's portmanteau; and finding that mine was too light to +balance it on the other side, he added a few turfs to make up the +difference. Besides this domestic, we were each provided with a sort of +running footman[23], whose office it was to keep pace with our horses +and to lead them at any difficult or dangerous step; and our equipage +was completed by six or seven sturdy Highlanders, who, in mere courtesy +to their chieftain's daughter, had walked fifteen or twenty miles to +escort her home. + +Thus guarded, we set out; our attendants, seemingly without effort, +keeping pace with the horses. With all of them Miss Graham occasionally +conversed in their native tongue; and I could perceive that they +answered her with perfect readiness and self-possession; but none of +them ever accosted her until he was addressed, nor could she prevail +with any of them to wear his bonnet while she spoke. + +Henry's name was so often repeated by them all, that I felt no small +curiosity to learn more minutely the subject of their conversation. But +though I had resumed my Gaelic studies under Charlotte's tuition, I was +not yet sufficiently initiated to follow the utterance of a native; and +my friend had already begun to smile so slily at my questions concerning +her brother, that the very circumstance which awakened my curiosity made +me half afraid to gratify it. At last, looking as unconscious as I +could, I asked Charlotte on what subject her servant was speaking with +such ardour. 'My _friend_ Kenneth,' answered she emphatically, 'is +reminding me of an expedition of Henry's to extricate his nurse's sheep +from the snow. But talk to him yourself; he speaks English.--Kenneth, +poor Miss Percy cannot speak Gaelic; so tell her that story in English. +I know you like to speak a good word for your friend Henry.'--'If he +were here,' said Kenneth, making a gesture of courtesy, which did not +absolutely amount to a bow, 'he would need nobody to speak a good word +for him to a pretty lady.' He then related very minutely how Henry and +he had climbed the rocky side of Benarde; and, from a crag midway in the +precipice, had rescued the whole wealth of a Highland cottager. + +'And do you in the Highlands think nothing of risking your lives for a +few sheep?' said I. + +'Do you not think, lady,' said Kenneth, 'that I had a good right to risk +my life for my own mother's beasts? And you know the young gentleman was +not to be forbidden by the like of me. His life! I would not have +ventured a hair of his head for all the sheep in Argyll.' Then speaking +to my special attendant, he uttered, with great emphasis, a Gaelic +phrase, which obliged him to translate, signifying, that 'a man's friend +may be dear, but his foster-brother is a piece of his heart.' + +'My mother,' continued Kenneth, 'would have lost the _best-beloved lamb +of her fold_, if Mr Henry had not followed me that day; for the frost +had seized me; and I would have laid me down to sleep for a far-off +waking; but Mr Henry drew me, and carried me, and I do not know what he +made of me, but the first sound I heard was my mother crying, "Och chone +a rie, mo cuillean ghaolach." Blessings on his face for her sake! for +had it not been for him, she would have had none but a fremd hand to lay +the sod on her.' Kenneth had obeyed his lady's command; and he now +modestly fell back, as if disclaiming further right to attention. + +'Surely Charlotte,' cried I, 'you are the happiest sister in the world. +How deep, how indelible, are the attachments which your brother seems to +awaken! Though he has been so long a stranger among them, these people +are absolutely enthusiastic in his praise. It is strange! I never saw +any thing like affection in servants, except in a novel.' + +Charlotte looked at me with an aspect of amazement; but she was too +polite either to charge me with the true cause of my ill fortune, or to +acquit me at the expense of my countrymen. 'Henry will not let his +friends here forget him,' said she; 'for, however engaged, he never +forgets them. He sends them advice, encouragement, reproof, and whatever +else they most need. Poor Henry! I remember a letter which he wrote to +acquaint me with one of the severest disappointments of his life--a +letter written in the midst of toil and bustle. It contained an order +for comfortable bedding for his bed-ridden nurse.' + +'But how could your brother,--how could your parents allow a mere +prejudice to banish him from such strong attachments? Surely he could +have felt no self-reproach for giving evidence against a common thief, a +miscreant who attempted his life!' + +'I don't know,' said Charlotte, doubtingly. 'Neil Roy was a well-born +gentleman; and in many respects a very honest man. Besides, where the +punishment is so unjustly disproportioned to the offence, it is not very +pleasant to be concerned in inflicting it. However, it was not that +affair alone which first drove my brother from home. Cecil was partly +right, and partly wrong, in the account she gave you. My mother, you +know, was a stranger; and though she was one of the best and most +respectable of women, yet it was natural that she should retain some of +the prejudices of her country. My father intended settling Henry in a +farm, or educating him for the church; but my mother, I believe, would +have thought either little less than burying him alive. However, she +must have submitted to necessity if the affair of Neil Roy had not +assisted her in persuading my father to send Henry away. Her health, +too, was so fast declining, that my father could refuse her nothing. So +poor Henry was made a peace-offering to my mother's relations, who would +never have any connection with her after her marriage with a Highland +rebel--as they were pleased to call the best born and the most loyal in +the land! Oh, Ellen! it sometimes goes to my heart to think he should +owe so much as a shoe-latchet to those who dared to look down upon his +father. But whatever may happen, Henry can never regret having obeyed a +parent.' + +This little narrative was given with as much freedom as if Charlotte and +I had been alone, for our attendants no sooner observed us inclined to +talk apart, than they retreated to such a distance as left us at perfect +liberty. At last, however, they advanced, and the two _gillen comsrian_ +took our horses by the bridles, while the rest began to clear away the +loose stones from the tract which was leading us round the brow of an +abrupt mountain. My eyes were involuntarily fixed upon a dell which had +no interest except what it gained from the certainty that a single false +step would bring me a hundred fathoms nearer to it. The golden clouds +that linger after sunset were still throwing strong light upon our path, +while the dell lay in deep shade. I was so new to Highland travelling, +that, in some alarm, I was consulting my attendant upon the expediency +of dismounting, when my attention was diverted by Charlotte. 'Benarde!' +cried she, with such a voice as, had my mother been on earth, I could +have cried, 'My mother!' I looked up; and saw between me and the glowing +west only a naked crag, towering above the vapour which was floating in +the vale. + +Presently our path wound round the brow of the mountain which we were +descending; and, gorgeous in all the tints of autumn, harmonised by the +sober shades of evening, Eredine burst on our sight. Charlotte uttered +not a sound. She uncovered her head as if she had entered a temple; and +raised her eyes as if in thanksgiving which words could not speak. + +I myself was little more inclined to break the silence imposed by the +scene. Far below our feet lay a lake, motionless, as if never breeze had +ruffled its calm. All there was still as the yet unpeopled earth, except +the gliding shadow of a solitary eagle sailing down the vale. A faint +flush still tinged the silver towards the east; to the west, the huge +Benarde threw upon the waters his own sober majesty of hue. But where +the shade would have been the deepest, it was softened by the long lines +of grey light that imaged the walls of Castle Eredine. Beyond, in a +sheltered valley, the evening smokes floating among the copse-wood +alone betrayed the hamlets, concealed by their own unobtrusive chastity +of colouring. + +We continued to descend; and the woods gradually closed the scene from +our view. First, the birch drooped here and there its light sprays from +the crag; then gigantic roots of oak, grappling with the rock, sent +forth their dwarf stems in unprofitable abundance; lower, the vigorous +beech and massy plane threw their strong shadows, and, by degrees, +arranged themselves into a noble avenue. Yet this approach did not +peculiarly belong to Castle Eredine; it led equally to many a more +humble abode. Several of these were scattered by the way-side; and each, +as we passed, poured forth a swarm to welcome Charlotte's return. Every +eye shone with pleasure; yet all was calm and silence. No shouting, no +tumult; none of the sounds which, in my native country, announce vulgar +gladness, disturbed the quiet of the scene. The very children hung down +their smiling sun-burnt faces, and waited with sidelong looks for the +expected notice. + +Issuing from the wood, the path now become a well beaten road, led us +through a few small half-enclosed fields of corn and pasture, to a sort +of natural bridge, or rather isthmus; the only access to the rock upon +which Castle Eredine projected into the lake. I must own, that its lofty +title, and Cecil's romantic tales of its ancient possessors, had +ill-prepared me for the edifice which I now beheld. A square tower, with +its narrow arched doorway, was the only trace which remained of warlike +array; and a range of more modern building, with its steep roof, into +which the walls rose in awkward triangles, and its clumsy windows, +through which cross lights streamed from behind, gave me no exalted idea +of the accommodations of Castle Eredine. It seemed, however, that others +found no want of space within its walls; for at least thirty persons, of +different ranks and ages, came forth to receive us. + +The foremost of these must have attracted my attention and respect, even +though Charlotte's gesture and joyful exclamation had not announced her +father. Age had not impaired the firmness of his step, nor the erect +majesty of a figure Herculean in all its proportions. His eye retained +its fire; his cheek its ruddy brown; the snowy locks which waved from +beneath his bonnet alone betokened that he had already passed the common +age of man. The plumes by which these locks were shaded chiefly +distinguished his attire; for the rest of his dress was entirely +composed of the scarlet and blue tartan of his clan. Saluting me first +on one cheek, and then on the other, he welcomed me to Eredine, with +little more ceremony, and little less kindness than he received his own +Charlotte; then giving an arm to each, he led us into the sitting-room. + +It was a large apartment, panelled all round. Each panel seemed to open +into either a cupboard or a closet,--the walls being thick enough to +admit of either; while each side was a little enlivened by a row of +windows sunk in recesses, every one of which might have contained a +dozen persons. But the gloom of this apartment was completely dispelled +by the blazing of a wood fire, proportioned in size to what more +resembled an alcove than a chimney, and by the cordial looks and kind +attentions which every one seemed disposed to exchange. + +So little restraint did my presence occasion,--so easily and naturally +did Eredine, Charlotte, and even the servants, admit me to the +interchange of cordial courtesy, which seemed the established habit of +the family, that, before our substantial supper was ended, I had almost +forgotten that I was a stranger. Indeed, so well did they all understand +and practise the delicacies of hospitality, that, in less than a week, I +was as much at home as if I had been born in Glen Eredine. + +In the spirit with which she constantly sought to impress me with +feelings of equality and sisterhood, Charlotte offered to share her +apartment with me, on pretence of its being the most modern in the +Castle. + +'Since I have dragged you to the land of ghosts,' said she, 'I am bound +in honour to protect you as well as I can; and Henry has so modernised +my room, that no true Highland ghost would condescend to show his face +in it.' + +This room was indeed furnished very differently from the rest, yet still +so that nothing incongruous struck the eye. Many of the elegant +conveniences of modern life found a place there; book-shelves, +drawing-cases, cabinets, all that can be imagined necessary to the light +employments of a gentlewoman, were supplied in abundance; but all were +of such substantial form and materials, that they seemed no intruders +among the more venerable heir-looms of Castle Eredine. A closet, opening +from our bedchamber, and stored with a small but select collection of +books, was appropriated solely to me. + +When we had retired for the night, Charlotte, after a thoughtful +silence, laid her arm on my shoulder, and said, 'Ellen, there is a +caution I would give you; I should rather say a favour which I am going +to ask.' + +'A favour, dearest Charlotte! I thought it had been decreed that all the +favours were to come from one side! Well! how can you hesitate so?' + +'There is a gentleman whom you once mentioned to me, a--a mutual +acquaintance.' + +Charlotte's complexion explained her meaning. 'Mr Maitland?' said I. + +'Oblige me so far, my dear Ellen, as never to mention his name to my +father.' + +'Certainly, since you desire it, I promise you that I never will. I am +persuaded that the reasons must be strong and well weighed which induce +you to use caution with a parent.' + +'Yes, they are strong,' said Charlotte, thoughtfully; 'And one day +perhaps you may be satisfied that they are so. It grieves me, my dear +Ellen, to have even the appearance of a secret with you, but I am +satisfied that I am acting as I ought--that the happiness of--of my +life--that even your happiness----' + +'Stop, dear Charlotte!' interrupted I:--'believe me I have no wish to +listen to any subject which can give you pain. Continue to do what you +think right. Only let me once more assure you, that I have no interest +whatever in Mr Maitland, except as in the best of men,--the most +disinterested of friends,--a friend whose kindness withstood all my +unworthiness. Oh Charlotte, if Mr Graham knew him as I do, he would let +no prejudice of birth, or of country, deprive his daughter of +happiness,--the honour----' + +I was obliged to stop; for I had talked myself into a fit of enthusiasm, +and tears filled my eyes. A pleased smile played round Charlotte's +beautiful mouth; but she turned away without reply, as if unwilling to +cherish a hope which might prove fallacious. + +I had some curiosity to know whether the only obstacle to her wishes lay +with her father; but I was deterred from asking questions, by +recollecting her language on a former occasion. Besides, I was afraid +that she might fancy I felt some interest in the disposal of Maitland's +affections. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 20: 'Near adjoining are the parks; that is, one large tract of +ground, surrounded with a low wall of loose stones, and divided into +several pans by partitions of the same. The surface of the ground is all +over heath, or, as they call it, _heather_, without any trees; but some +of it has lately been sown with a seed of firs, which are now grown +about a foot and a half high, but are hardly to be seen for the heath. + +'An English captain, the afternoon of the day following his arrival +here, desired me to ride out with him and show him the parks of +Culloden, without telling me the reason of his curiosity. Accordingly we +set out; and when we were pretty near the place, he asked me; "Where are +these parks? for," says he, "there is nothing near in view but heath, +and at a distance rocks and mountains." I pointed to the enclosures; +and, being a little way before him, heard him cursing in soliloquy; +which occasioned my making a halt, and asking if any thing displeased +him? Then he told me, that, at a coffee-house in London, he was one day +commending the park of Studley in Yorkshire, and those of several +gentlemen in other parts of England, when a Scots Captain who was by, +cried out, "Ah, sir, but if you were to see the parks of Culloden in +Scotland!"'--_Letters from a Gentleman in the North of Scotland to his +Friend in London_, vol. i, p. 297.] + +[Footnote 21: Whoever recollects the inns at C----i----gh and +B----rr----le, and no doubt many others, as they stood two-and-twenty +years ago, will be at no loss for the prototypes of Miss Percy's house +of entertainment. Later travellers in the Highlands may not find her +description agree with their experience. The 'land of the mountain and +the flood' has of late been the fashionable resort of the lovers of the +picturesque, and of grouse-shooting; the refuge of those who wish to +skulk or to economise; of fine gentlemen and fine ladies, who find the +world not quite bad enough for them. The accommodations for travellers +are of course improved. It were devoutly to be wished that this had been +the only change effected by such visitants.] + +[Footnote 22: A packer.] + +[Footnote 23: Gille cumsrian.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + _Hail awful scenes that calm the troubled breast, + And woo the weary to profound repose; + Can passion's wildest uproar lay to rest, + And whisper comfort to the man of woes! + Here Innocence may wander safe from foes, + And Contemplation soar on seraph wings._ + + Beattie. + + +'No wonder that my countryman has celebrated the merits of a Scotch +breakfast,' said I, upon seeing the splendour and abundance of the +morning repast at Castle Eredine. The linen and china were exquisitely +delicate; and the table, though loaded with a plenty approaching to +profusion, was arranged with perfect order and neatness. Eredine, for so +I found it was the custom to call Mr Graham, having placed me in a +sturdy, square-built, elbow-chair, with a back lofty and solid enough to +serve every purpose of a screen, began to heap before me all the variety +of food within his reach. In vain did I remonstrate. The ceremonial of +hospitality required that I should be urged even unto loathing. When I +turned to supplicate my host for quarter, and hoped that he was inclined +to relent, an old lady, who sat by me on the other side, assailed me in +the unguarded moment with a new charge of ham and marmalade. + +'Ah! if he had seen the breakfasts in my young days!' said Eredine, in +answer to my comment. 'A Glen Eredine breakfast was something +substantial then. It was not children's food that bred the fellows who +fought at Prestonpans.' + +'What could you possibly have, sir, that is wanting here?' + +The chieftain smiled compassionately upon me, as on a representative of +the sons of little men. 'Why, strong venison soup,' said he, 'and potted +ptarmigans; or, if we were a hunting, a roasted salmon:--hunters are not +nice, you know.' + +As soon as we rose from table, Charlotte went to resume her office of +housekeeper, which had, in her absence, been most zealously filled by +one of her innumerable cousins. To associate me in this employment was +one of the friendly arts by which Charlotte contrived to domesticate me +at Eredine; and household affairs furnished some little occupation for +us both, although the establishment at the Castle was then smaller than +it had ever been from time immemorial. + +Feudal habits were extinct; and the days were long since gone, when +bands of kinsmen, united in one great family, repaid hospitality and +protection with more than filial veneration and love. Eredine had +outlived three elder sisters, who for the greater part of a century had +resided under the roof where they were born; and two younger brothers, +who, after expiating, by thirty years of exile, their adherence to their +hereditary sovereign, had returned to lay their ashes with those of +their fathers. His eldest son had, a few months before, fallen a +sacrifice to a West Indian climate; his second was banished from home by +circumstances which I have already mentioned. The family, therefore, +consisted of Eredine, his daughter, and myself; four men and seven women +servants; Charlotte's nurse; a blind woman, who, being fit for nothing +else, was stocking-knitter-general to the family, and served, moreover, +as a humble substitute for the bard of other times; two little girls, +one humpbacked, the other sickly; and three boys, two of whom were +maintained because they were orphans, and the third because his +grandmother had been the laird's favourite, some sixty years before; +and, finally, Roban Gorach, Cecil's deserted lover; who, as the humour +served, tended Henry's old white pony, or wandered to all the sacraments +administered within sixty miles round, or sat by his torn oak from morn +to night unquestioned. + +But these were by no means the only persons who daily shared in the good +cheer of Castle Eredine. Besides several superannuated people of both +sexes, who, for this very purpose, had been provided with cottages +adjacent to the castle, we had stable-boys, and errand-boys, and +cow-herds, and goose-herds; beggars and travellers by dozens; besides +maintaining, for the day, every tradesman who executed the most trivial +order for the family without doors or within. How was I surprised to +learn, that this establishment was supported by an estate of little +more than a thousand pounds a year! + +This family party was, for the present, reinforced by visiters of all +ranks, who came to congratulate Charlotte's return. Among the earliest +of these was my old friend Cecil, who recognized me with tears of joy. +Recovering herself, she began to applaud her own skill in prophecy. 'I +told you,' cried she, 'that ye knew not where a blessing might light; +and there, ye see, ye're in Castle Eredine. And now Mr Henry will be +gathered to you, and that will be seen.' + +In answer to my enquiries into her own situation, she informed me that +her husband had returned home, having been disabled by sickness, and +discharged from his regiment as unfit for service. She talked of his +illness, however, without any alarm; for she had travelled on foot to +Breadalbane to bring water from a certain consecrated spring[24], on +which she fully relied for his cure. 'What grieves us the most,' said +she to me apart, 'is that he's no' fit to help at the laird's shearing +this year; as he had a good right, as well as the rest. And ye see, I +cannot speak to Miss Graham upon that to make his excuse, for she might +think we were _reflecting_, because he got's trouble tending Mr +Kenneth.' + +The next day brought the harvest party of which Cecil had spoken. About +four o'clock in the morning, I was awakened by the shrieking and +groaning of a bagpipe under my window; and starting out of bed to +ascertain the occasion of this annoyance, saw about a couple of hundred +men and women collected near the house. These I found were the tenantry +of Glen Eredine, assembled to cut down the landlord's corn; a service +which they were bound to perform without hire. Yet never, in scenes +professedly devoted to amusement, had I witnessed such animating +hilarity as cheered this unrewarded labour. The work was carried on all +day, in measured time to the sound of the bagpipe, yet without causing +any interruption to the jests of the young or the legends of the old. Mr +Graham himself frequently joined in both, without incurring the +slightest danger of forfeiting respect by condescension. Dinner for the +whole party was, of course, despatched from the castle. Fortunately, the +cookery was not very complex, for the old nurse and the blind +stocking-knitter were the only persons left at home to assist Charlotte +and myself in the preparation. + +It was customary for the festivities of the day to conclude with a ball +on the old bowling-green; and promising myself some amusement from the +novelty, I repaired to the spot soon after the time when the dancers had +been accustomed to assemble. But no dancers were there. Not a person was +to be seen, except one sickly emaciated creature, wearing a faded +regimental coat over his tartan waistcoat and philibeg, who stood +leaning against a tree with an aspect of hopeless dejection. + +Supposing that I had mistaken the place, I enquired of this person +whither I must go to seek the dancers. 'Think ye, lady,' said the man, +with a look somewhat indignant, 'that they would dance here this night? +I hope they're no' so ill-mannered. It would be a fine story for them to +be dancing, and the best blood in Eredine not well cold i' the grave +yet!' + +I perceived that he alluded to the recent death of Kenneth Graham; and, +struck with such an instance of delicacy in persons whom I considered as +little better than savages, I was going to enter into further +conversation with the man, when seeing Charlotte at a distance, I +hastened to meet her. I could not prevail upon her to express the +slightest surprise at the sensibility of her countrymen. 'It is just as +I expected,' said she; and she proceeded to inform me, that the person +whom I had quitted was the husband of my old friend Cecil, and the +foster-brother of Kenneth Graham. 'Poor James!' said she; 'I believe it +would have broken his heart if that bowling-green had been profaned with +the sounds of merriment. He visits it every evening at the same hour +when he was wont to come five-and-twenty years ago to play with my +brothers. That poor fellow has given the strongest proofs of the +attachment to a superior which you think so uncommon. As soon as he +heard that my brother was ordered abroad, he left his wife and children, +and explored his way on foot to the south of Ireland, where the +regiment was already embarked. He enlisted; watched his master in the +dreadful disease which few could be found daring enough even to relieve; +followed the remains of his foster-brother to the grave, when sickness +had made him unable to return from the spot; and lay all night on the +earth which covered the head he loved best. Alas! alas! it lies among +stranger-dust, far from us all.' + +Although, ever since we had been on confidential habits, Charlotte had +spoken of her dead brother almost as much as of the living one, these +were the only words of lamentation which I ever heard her utter. + +On the contrary, the associations with which the remembrance of the dead +was joined seemed to be pleasurable. She appeared to sympathise in the +delight with which Lady Eredine and her son would meet; speaking of them +exactly as she would of living persons possessed of all the sentiments +and functions of mortality. + +From these themes the transition was easy to the subject of Henry +Graham,--a subject in which I took almost as much interest as she did +herself; for what girl of one-and-twenty could be uninterested in an +unknown lover? a lover described as handsome, brave, generous, good! and +who had besides fallen in love at first sight; a compliment which, by +the value some ladies put upon it, I suppose is estimated more by its +rarity than its worth. Now, all this my imagination found in Henry +Graham; for I was in the land of imagination. I was more than half +persuaded of my conquest. There was no other way of accounting for his +assiduous good offices; his flattering yet minute description of my +appearance. But Charlotte never directly admitted this explanation of +his conduct, and I durst not venture to show her how far vanity could +lead me in conjecture; though curiosity often made me come as near to +the subject as I dared. 'After all,' I would say to myself, 'what can it +signify to me? I shall never like the man; and I would far rather earn +my bread by labour than by marriage.' + +In the mean time, I was as much domesticated at Eredine as if I had +already been a daughter of the family. My kind friend soon found means +to make me consider it as for the present my permanent abode. She knew +me too well to expect, that this could ever take place so long as I felt +myself a useless dependent; and this was, I am persuaded the real cause +which inspired her with an enthusiastic desire to excel in music. There +was no danger that this plea for my detention should soon be exhausted; +for Charlotte's skill hitherto went no farther than jingling a +strathspey upon an excruciating harpsichord. Precisely at the lucky +moment, however, arrived a splendid harp, a present from her considerate +brother; and our labours began with much zeal and some success. + +In return, she exerted surprising patience in assisting my study of her +native tongue; and the whole family, myself included, were delighted +with my progress. We make rapid advances in a dialect which is the only +medium of communication with three fourths of the persons around us; +and, in justice to Highland politeness, I must assert, that there is no +language which may be attempted with more perfect security from +ridicule. This acquisition, together with my performance of some Gaelic +songs, brought me into high estimation with my venerable host. He +declared, 'that I could turn Chro challin or Oran gaoil almost as well +as his mother,--_white be the place of her soul!_' and only regretted, +that instead of 'that unhandy thing of a harp, which made trews where +trews should not be, I had not the light lady-like Clarsach, that the +d----d Hanoverians burnt when they ransacked Glen Eredine.' + +There might have been danger that my favourite recreation, to which long +abstinence gave all the charm of novelty, should make unreasonable +encroachment on my time. But almost the earliest work of my renovated +judgment had been to impress me with a solemn conviction of the value of +time; and when I recollected that, of the few allotted years of man, +seventeen had already been worse than squandered; that of the uncertain +remainder, a third must be devoted to the harmless enjoyments, a part +rifled by the idle fooleries of others,--an unknown portion laid waste +of joy and usefulness, by sickness, by sorrow, or by that overpowering +languor which palsies at times even the most active spirit;--when I +remembered, that the whole is fugitive in its nature as the colours of +the morning sky, irreversible in its consequence as the fixed decree of +Heaven, I could no longer waste the treasure on the sports of children, +or suffer the jewel to slip from the nerveless grasp of an idiot. I had +formed a plan for the distribution of my time; to which I adhered so +steadily, that I seldom spent an hour altogether unprofitably; that is, +I seldom spent an hour of which the employment had no tendency to +produce rational, benevolent, or devout habits in myself or in others. + +Let it not, therefore, be imagined that my whole life and conversation +were as solemn, and as wise, and as tiresome as possible. The flowers of +the moral world were doubtless intended to scatter cheerfulness and +pleasure there; and the woman who contributes nothing to the innocent +amusement of mankind has renounced one purpose of her being. I am +persuaded, that a happier party, or at times a merrier never met, than +assembled round our fireside at Eredine. + +Nor was it always confined to the members of our own family. Our +neighbours--and all within twenty miles were our neighbours--often came +with half-a-dozen of their sons and daughters, two or three servants, +and a few horses, to spend some days at Castle Eredine. Uninvited and +unexpected, they were always welcome. No preparation could be made; no +bustle ensued. The guests were for the time members of the household, +and partook in its business, its enjoyments, and its privations. The +morning amusements of the gentlemen furnished us with game; those of the +ladies, with lighter dainties; and our evenings were enlivened by music, +more abundant, it must be confessed, than excellent. + +But, though my hours were neither dull nor solitary, I must own, that my +heart leaped light with the hope of something new, when, one morning, +Charlotte, running into the room breathless with delight, exclaimed, 'He +is coming, dearest Ellen! he is coming! He will give up all his +habits,--his pursuits,--he will give back their trash,--he will return +to his father,--to us all!' + +'Henry! When, dear Charlotte?' + +'Now! Soon! In a week! Oh, if that week were past!' + +Charlotte was restless with joy. She left me almost immediately; and I +followed her to her father. The good old man folded us both to his +breast. 'God grant I live this week,' said he, 'and then----' He paused +a little, half ashamed of his emotion; 'I doubt,' said he, with a smile, +'my eyes are not so strong as they have been.' Then disengaging himself +from us, he hurried out upon the road which led to Edinburgh, as if he +had already hoped to meet his son; and repeated the same walk full +twenty times that day. Next, he would count every stage of Henry's +journey, and fix the very hour of his arrival, and order an infinity of +preparations for his reception; and, when he had quite exhausted +himself, he sunk into his great oak-chair ruminating, while a delighted +smile at times crossed his face. 'The little curly-pated dog was his +mother's darling,' cried he; 'and yet I never could find out how that +happened, for there never was a Southron blood-drop in him. He was +always a Graham to the heart's core.' + +Had I before been wholly uninterested in Henry's arrival,--had I owed no +obligation to him as the bestower of a secure though humble +independence,--had all the suggestions of vanity been silenced, I must +have sympathised in the joy expressed in every face I saw, in every +voice I heard. The house-maids all claimed the honour of arranging his +apartment; and as the division of labour, and all the distinctions +between cook and chamber-maid, were quite unknown in Glen Eredine, the +honour was bestowed according to seniority. The spinners celebrated +their young master's return in the extemporary songs, so common among +their countrywomen. The men brought home for him as many rocs, +black-cock, and ptarmigan, as would have satiated[25] courteous King +Jamie's ravenous visiter. Charlotte's nurse told me endless anecdotes of +his childhood; and I heard the blind knitter cry out in a tone of +triumph, 'He led me up the loan with's _oun_ hand, sirs; and that's what +he never did to one o' ye all. And shame fa' me, if ever a man lead me +by the right hand again, an it be no Eredine himsel'; and that's not to +be thought.' + +The only one who took no share in the cheerful bustle was poor Roban +Gorach; yet he too could in his way, testify affection for his young +master. I had strolled out; and taking my favourite station on a ledge +of rock which overhung the lake, I had suffered my thoughts to shape, I +know not what romantic dream, of Henry Graham, and friendship, and +Charlotte, and Maitland, and Castle Eredine, and castles in the air; +when I was roused by the approach of poor Roban, attended by the old +white pony, which followed him like a dog. He accosted me with an +earnest look, lowering his voice to a confidential tone. 'They say +you're ordained for him,' said he; 'so blessings on your face! take him +peaceably.' + +Since I had become a favourite in Glen Eredine, so many dreams and +prophecies had announced me its future mistress, that I had no +difficulty in apprehending his meaning. 'Oh! you must let me refuse a +little at first for decency-sake, Robert,' said I, laughing. + +'Mysel' would fain you do's bidding before you be hindered,' said he; +laying his fingers pleadingly upon my arm. 'What if he _would_ see you +going down the loan there, and through the wood, with another man's boy +in bosom?'--he raised his arm, tracing as he spoke the path towards +Cecil's dwelling; then letting it drop unconsciously, he proceeded in +his native tongue, as if he had forgotten my presence. 'He would care +no more for his fine golden watch, and all the parks and _towns_ of +Eredine, than for the wind when _she_ flies by him.'--'But, Robert,' +said I, interrupting his mournful reverie, 'how should you all like to +have a Saxon mistress in the Castle?'--'If it were so ordered,' answered +Robert, 'who could say against?--and we might be very well, though it +were so. Just you forget that you're a stepmother, with your leave; and +we'll all forget it too.' + +When I returned to the house, I learnt, what I had indeed inferred from +Roban's language, that Cecil had been there. She came to ask medicine +and advice for her dying husband; but when told the good news of the +day, she retired without suffering Miss Graham's joy to be interrupted +by her melancholy errand. Though, after having lived three months in +Glen Eredine, I could no longer be surprised at this delicacy, it can +never cease to please; and I immediately requested Charlotte to direct +our evening walk toward Cecil's cottage. + +We were received at the door by Cecil, who loaded us both with +congratulations; and invited us, as she was accustomed to do, into her +chamber of state, or as she phrased it, 'ben a house.' This apartment +was at that time no unfavourable specimen of Glen Eredine parlours. It +had to be sure an earthen floor not levelled with much nicety, but it +was tolerably clean; it was ceiled with whitened boards, lighted by a +sashed window, furnished with plane-tree chairs and tables, and +ornamented with an open corner cupboard filled with gaudy stone-bowls, +and jugs enriched with humble anacreontics. This was not, however, the +family room; and, finding that poor James inhabited the other end of the +building, we insisted upon adjourning thither. + +The humbler apartment was separated from the other by a panelled closet +or rather box, which served the double purpose of bed and partition. The +remaining walls were imperfectly plastered with clay; and the rude +frame-work of the roof was visible, where light enough to make it so was +admitted by the aperture which served for a chimney, and by a window of +four panes, one of which was boarded, and another stuffed with rags. +Beneath the above-mentioned aperture, the bounds of the fire-place were +marked only by a narrow piece of pavement, upon which a turf-fire +smouldered unconfined against the wall. The smoke, thus left at large, +had dyed the rafters of an ebon hue; and, mixing with the condensed +vapour, distilled in inky drops from the roof. The floor was strewed +with water-pails, iron-pots, wooden-ware, and broken crockery. Cecil's +eldest child, a boy of about four years old, tartaned and capped as +martially as any 'gallant Graham' of them all, sprawled contentedly in +the middle of the litter, sharing his supper of barley-bread with an +overgrown pet lamb; and the youngest attired with rather less ceremony, +crouched by the side of a black pot, contesting with the cock the +remains of a mess of oatmeal pottage. + +From these postures of ease, however, Cecil instantly snatched them +both. 'Up, ill manners!' cried she; 'think it your credit to stand when +the gentles come to see you.' This maxim she enforced by example, for no +entreaties could prevail upon her to be seated in our presence. + +The sallow, haggard countenance of poor James appeared through the open +panel of the bed; and Miss Graham approaching, enquired 'how he felt +himself?' + +'Ye're good that asks,' said Cecil, answering for him; 'but he'll never +be better, and he has no worse to be.' + +'These people are savages, after all!' thought I. 'Would any humanised +being have pronounced such a sentence in the sick man's hearing?' I +stole a glance towards the bed, half fearing to witness the effect of +her barbarity. + +'Trouble must have its time,' said the man cheerfully; 'but we must just +hope it'll no be long now.' + +This was so little like fear, that I was obliged to convert the words of +encouragement into those of congratulation; and after Miss Graham had +made some more particular enquiries, I expressed my satisfaction in +observing such apparent resignation. + +'Deed, ma'am,' said James, 'I cannot say but that I am willing enough to +depart; I'm whiles feared, indeed; but then I'm whiles newfangled.' + +'I'm sure, lady,' said Cecil, tears now streaming down her cheeks, 'he +has no reason to be feared; for he's been a well-living Christian all's +days, and a good husband he's been;--and he shall have no reason to +reflect that he has no' as decent a burial as ever the ground was broken +for in Eredine. And for that we're partly much beholden to you, Miss +Percy,--a blessing on you for that,--and a decent departure might you +have therefor! And thankful may we be, Jamie, that ye'll no lie in +unkent ground, among strangers, and heathens, and all the offscourings +of the earth!' + +'No!' said Miss Graham; 'among strangers you shall not lie. You shall be +laid by the place where your foster-brother should have lain; and your +head-stone shall be my memorial of him, and of what you did for him.' + +A flash of joy brightened the face of the dying man. He looked at Miss +Graham as if he would fain have thanked her; but though his lips moved, +they uttered no sound. Cecil was voluble in her thanks; and I verily +believe was half reconciled to the prospect of her misfortune, by the +honour which it was to procure for her husband. + +'When you see my dear brother,' proceeded Miss Graham, 'tell him, James, +that my only regret now is, that I should show neither love nor honour +to his remains; and that they must rest so far from mine!'[26] + +At this moment a casual change of posture made me observe, through the +window, a human figure, partially hid by an old ash tree which grew +within a few feet of the cottage wall. The figure advanced a step; and I +perceived through the dusk of the evening that it was Roban Gorach. He +was leaning against the tree, with his eyes fixed on the window; his +head and arms hanging listlessly down, with that undefinable singularity +of mien which betokens the wandering of the mind. + +I was going to call Miss Graham's attention to the circumstance, when +our strange conversation was interrupted by a scream from the youngest +child, whom Cecil had hastily caught up in her arms. The scream was +certainly the shriek of pain, perhaps partly of surprise; yet Cecil +apologising for her child's temper, began to soothe him with the sounds +which nurses apply to mere frowardness, mixing them at times with the +hum of a song. Her remonstrances to the child were given in Gaelic, +interrupted by apologies in English to Miss Graham and myself. More than +once she pronounced the word[27] which signifies 'Go,' 'begone!' with +strong emphasis; holding the child from her as if threatening to forsake +him. He still continued to cry, and she to hush him with a song, which +was at first irregular and indistinct; but which, by degrees, formed +itself into regular rhythm, pronounced with such precision, that even my +slender knowledge of her language was sufficient to render it +intelligible to me; while its occasional interruptions gave me time to +fix the meaning at least in my memory. Of the plaintive simplicity of +the original,--of the effect it derived from the wild and touching air +to which it was sung,--my feeble translation can convey no idea; but I +give the literal English of the whole[28] + + Go to thy rest, oh beloved; + My soul is pained with thy wailing; + The wrath of a father is kindled by thy complaining: + Go to thy rest. + + Choice of my heart thou hast been, + But now I lay thee from my bosom + That it may receive my betrothed: + Go to thy rest. + + Oh cease thy lamentation; + Disquiet me no more. + Till the long night bring morning of pleasant meetings: + Go to thy rest. + +Though I, having seen that Roban Gorach was one of Cecil's auditors, was +at no loss to perceive the double meaning of the song, neither poor +James nor Miss Graham could observe any thing peculiar in it. Cecil +never appeared to cast a glance towards the real object of her address; +and at every pause in the air she conversed with an appearance of +perfect unconcern. + +I own my esteem for my first Highland friend was far from being improved +by this specimen of her dexterity in intrigue. As soon as Charlotte and +I had taken our leave, I told her what I had observed; but, unwilling +to express a harsh opinion, I waited for her comments. The incident, +however, made no unfavourable impression upon her. 'I know,' said she, +'that Cecil has a great deal of discretion and presence of mind.' + +'Presence of mind, I allow; but really it seems to me, that if her +husband had witnessed this piece of management, he would have been very +pardonable for doubting her discretion.' + +'How so? do you not think it was prudent to prevent her dying husband +from being shocked by the sight of that poor creature?' + +'To tell you the truth, Charlotte, I think such readiness in intrigue +betokens Cecil's fidelity to be at least in danger.' + +'Surely you do not suspect--you cannot suppose--setting aside all fear +of God, think you she could make outcasts of her children!--transmit her +name, black with the infamy of being the first unfaithful wife that ever +disgraced Glen Eredine! No, no; Cecil would rather be buried under +Benarde: ay, silly as he is, Robert would rather lay her head in the +grave! No, no, Miss Percy; whatever may be the practice in other +countries, we have reason to be thankful that such atrocities are +unknown in Eredine.'[29] + +Charlotte's warm defence was interrupted by the approach of poor Robert, +who was following us home. 'Would ye just please to bid _her_,' said he, +pointing towards Cecil's cottage, 'let me thrash two or three sheaves +for her. She has nobody now to do for her; and if ye'll just allow me, +it's as sure's death, I'll stay in barn, and never go near house to +plague her.' + +'I think, Robert,' answered Charlotte, 'it would be very foolish in you +to take so much trouble for one who never even speaks to you.' + +'Ay, but yoursel' knows I'm no very wise,' said Robert, with a feeble +smile. Then, after a few moments' silence, he repeated his request. Miss +Graham gave an evasive answer, and he again fell behind; but, during our +walk, he came forward again and again to urge his petition, as if he had +forgotten having offered it before. + +'I beg pardon of Cecil and Glen Eredine, Charlotte,' said I. 'I had +forgotten the nature and constancy of this poor young man's attachment, +when I suspected her of imprudence. I am sure that a virtuous man alone +can feel, a woman of discretion alone can inspire, such disinterested, +such unconquerable affection.' + +'You are right, Ellen. Looseness of morals on the one side, or even a +very venial degree of levity on the other, is fatal to all the loftier +forms of passion. I believe even perfect frankness of manners is hostile +to them: it leaves too little for the imagination.' + +We both walked on musing, till my dream was broken by our arrival at the +gate. 'Is your brother reserved?' said I, very consciously. + +'I never found him so,' returned Charlotte, laughing; 'but you have so +much imagination that I believe it will do, notwithstanding.' + +The day approached when this object of universal interest was to arrive; +and every stage of his journey, every hour of its duration, was counted +a hundred times. 'Four whole days still!'--'To-night he will sleep in +Scotland!'--'By this time to-morrow!'--In how many tones of impatience, +of exultation, of delight, were these sentences uttered! + +The father's joy was the least exclamatory. After the first emotion was +past, he seemed to think much expression of his feelings unsuitable to +his years; though every thing 'put him in mind what Henry said when he +was last at home;' or, 'what Henry did when a boy;' and he every now and +then shook Charlotte and me by the hand with such a look of +congratulation! + +He hinted some intention of riding as far as Aberfoyle to meet his son; +though he seemed to doubt whether this were altogether consistent with +his paternal dignity. 'It is not what one could do for every young man,' +said he; 'but Henry was never a sort of boy that is easily spoiled.' So +with this salvo, with which many a father has excused his +self-indulgence, Eredine determined to meet Henry at Aberfoyle. + +On the eventful morning the whole family arose with the dawn. Almost the +first person I saw was Eredine, arrayed and accoutred in the perfect +costume of his country, marching up and down in the court with even more +than his usual elasticity of step. The good old gentleman prepared for +his journey with all the alertness of five-and-twenty. 'Come, +Charlotte,' said he, 'get me a breakfast fit for a man. Remember I have +more than sixty miles to ride to-day. Miss Percy, do you think any of +your Lowland lads of seventy-six could do as much? Well, well, wait till +nine o'clock at night; and, God willing, I'll show you a lad worth a +fine woman's looking at.' + +In spite of the entreaties of old Donald MacIan and the family piper, +who would fain have led forth the whole clan, Eredine set out attended +only by his household servants. But as soon as the laird was gone, +Donald followed his own inclinations. The piper marched through every +_baile_[30] in the Glen, pouring forth a torrent of vigorous discords, +which he called the '_Graham's Gathering_;' then took the road towards +Aberfoyle, followed by the train whom he had assembled. By noon, +scarcely a man was left in Glen Eredine. + +On the other hand, the women came in crowds to the Castle, each bringing +a cheese, a kid, a pullet, or whatever else her cabin could supply; and, +having deposited these '_compliments_,' as they called them, they +quietly returned to their homes. The servants ran idly bustling about +the house, forgetting every part of their business which did not refer +to Mr Henry. One began to air his linen as soon as day dawned. Another +piled heap after heap of turf upon his fire. A third, at the expense of +the state bedchamber, embellished his apartment with a carpet not +unlike, both in pattern and size, to a chess-board. I found a fourth +busied in anointing his leather-bottomed chairs with a mixture of oil +and soot; scrubbing this Hottentot embrocation into the grain with a +shoe-brush. 'I'm just giving them a bit clean for him,' said she, in +answer to my exclamation of amazement. 'He had always a cleanly +turn,--God save him!' + +At last all preparations perforce were finished; and the day then seemed +endless to us all. Charlotte was silent and restless. She tried to work; +but it would not do; she tried to read, and succeeded no better. She +visited her brother's apartment again and again, and could never satisfy +herself that all was ready for his reception. She began to fear that he +might not arrive that night, yet she was half angry with me for +admitting the possibility. Towards evening she stationed herself in a +window to watch for him; turning away sometimes with tears of +disappointment in her eyes, and then resuming her watch once more. + +Twilight closed in the stillness of a frosty night. Charlotte drew me to +the gate to listen. All was profoundly quiet. At last a dog bayed at a +distance. 'I hear the pipe!' said Charlotte, grasping my arm. I +listened. The sound was faintly heard, then lost, then heard again. By +degrees it swelled into distinctness; the trampling of horses,--the +tread of a multitude was heard,--voices mingled with the sound. +Charlotte ran forward, and then returned again. 'No! I cannot meet him +before all these people,' said she; and we retreated to the house. + +I saw through the dusk the stately figures of the chief and his son +approaching on foot from the gate where they had dismounted; and I stole +back into the parlour, unwilling that my presence should embarrass the +expected meeting. Yet, with a fluttering heart, I listened eagerly to +their quickened steps,--to the clasp of affection,--to the whisper of +rapture. 'Brother!'--'Charlotte!' pronounced in the scarcely articulate +accents of ecstasy, were for some moments the only words uttered; the +next that reached my ear, were those in which the traveller eagerly +enquired for me. I sprang forward, for it was a well remembered voice +that spoke; but the next moment I shrank before the flashing glance of +Maitland! + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 24: The said Breadalbane spring once existed in Atholl; but +its guardian Saint having been offended by some failure in respect, or +in liberality, removed it to its present site. This neglect was the more +unpardonable, because Highland saints have a very saint-like facility of +propitiation. A halfpenny is considered as a profuse offering; a nail, a +pin, or a rag, is all that the saints exact in return for the benefit of +these healing waters. The saints' wells can generally be distinguished +by the shreds of cloth hung upon the impending bushes; and other +offerings of like value dropped into the basin. + +Some of these springs are resorted to annually by way of preventative; +others are visited as occasion requires. Some of the waters are taken as +a medicine. Others--and these, I apprehend, the most useful--are +externally applied. In this case, the ablutions must be repeated for +three years successively; and if the patient die in the interim, a +friend must complete this ceremony in his stead, bringing away at the +same time a bottle of water, to be poured upon the grave of the +deceased. Within these few years, an old woman, for this pious purpose, +twice performed a journey of nearly a hundred miles.] + +[Footnote 25: See Scott's Border Minstrelsy.] + +[Footnote 26: Messages from the living to the dead are not uncommon in +the Highlands. The Gael have such a ceaseless consciousness of +immortality, that their departed friends are considered as merely absent +for a time; and permitted to relieve the hours of separation by +occasional intercourse with the objects of their earliest affection.] + +[Footnote 27: Falbh bi falbh.] + +[Footnote 28: Extemporary songs are common among the Highlanders. With +these they beguile their labours; often, of course, at small expense of +taste or invention. The readiness with which they apply their verses to +compliment, to banter, often to graver purposes, is, however, very +remarkable; and Cecil is far from furnishing a rare or exalted specimen +of the powers of Highland _improvisatori_. + +I have been told, that an Argyllshire woman, one evening, while +expecting her husband's return, was surprised by a visit from some +persons whom she guessed to be officers of justice sent to apprehend +him. Finding the man absent, they determined to wait his arrival in the +hut; taking care, of course, that his wife should not go out to apprise +him of his danger. She contrived, however, to hush her baby with an +extemporary song, which, without alarming the vigilance of the guards, +warned her husband from his perilous threshold, and he escaped. Other +instances, somewhat of a similar kind, suggested the incident in the +text. + +Indeed, the only merit which the Highland scenes in Discipline presume +to claim, is, that, however inartificially joined, they are all borrowed +from fact.] + +[Footnote 29: Although, in the remoter parts of Scotland, chastity is by +no means the universal virtue of unmarried persons, instances of +conjugal infidelity are still rare. Within the present generation they +were almost unknown. + +About twenty years ago, it happened, in a remote country town, that two +persons of the lower rank were accused of adultery. The charge, whether +true or false, had such an effect, that the man was driven like a wild +beast from human converse. The very children pelted him with mud in the +street; crying out, 'There goes the adulterer.'] + +[Footnote 30: Hamlet,--_Town_.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + _Here have I found at last a home of peace, + To hide me from the world! far from its noise, + To feed that spirit which, though---- + ----linked to human beings by the bond + Of earthly love, hath yet a loftier aim + Than perishable joy! and through the calm + That sleeps amid this mountain solitude, + Can hear the billows of eternity, + And hear delighted!_ + + John Wilson. + + +'But seriously, Charlotte,' said I, when at a late hour we found +ourselves once more alone in our chamber, 'seriously, do you think it +was quite right in you to use this concealment with me?' + +'Seriously, I think it was. Long before I knew you, I could have guessed +that you would dislike receiving even a trifling service from Mr ----. +No, I never yet called Henry Graham by that upstart mercantile name, and +I never will. To tell you the truth, Ellen, my brother had so far made +me his confidant, that, judging of you by myself, I thought you would +rather lose your money than owe it to his good offices.' + +'I am sorry you thought it necessary to humour my pride at such an +expense. Humbled and mortified I might have been by any kindness from Mr +Maitland; but I have perhaps deserved the humiliation more than the +kindness. He owes me a little mortification, for drawing him into the +greatest folly he ever was guilty of.' + +'Oh you must not imagine that all my discretion was exerted only to +humour your saucy spirit. I had a purpose of my own to serve. I dare +say we should never have slid into any real intimacy, if you had known +me to be the sister of a quondam lover; watching, no doubt, with a +little womanly jealousy, the character of one whom my favourite brother +_once_ loved better than me.' + +'I am persuaded this could have made little difference; for my faults, +unfortunately, will not be concealed; and my good qualities I shall +always be willing enough to display.' + +'Oh, to be sure, my dear humble Miss Percy would knowingly and wittingly +have come here to ingratiate herself with us all! No doubt, you would +have been much more at home with us, had you known our connection with +your old admirer! and no doubt, you would have quietly waited his +arrival here, that you might be courted in due form!' + +'Pshaw, Charlotte, I am sure that it--I hope--I mean, I am quite certain +that your brother has no such nonsense in his thoughts. And I am sure it +is much better it should be so; for you know I have always told you that +I have a natural indifference about me--Heigho!' + +'What! even after you have seen that "it was your duty to be in love +long ago!" Will you "deprive" yourself of "the honour," the +"happiness"----' + +'Surely, Charlotte, you will never be so mischievous, so cruel, as to +repeat these thoughtless, unmeaning expressions to your brother! You +know they were spoken under entire misconception. And, besides, to be +sensible of what I ought once to have done is a very different thing +from being able to do it now.' + +'Make yourself quite easy, my dear Ellen,' said Charlotte, with a +provoking smile, 'I have more _esprit de corps_ than to tell a lady's +secret. Besides, even for my brother's own sake, I shall leave him to +make discoveries for himself. But by the way, it is very good-natured in +me to promise all this; for I have reason to be angry, that you think it +necessary to warn me against repeating any thing uttered in the mere +unguardedness of chit-chat.' + +I made no apology; for I have such an abhorrence of trick and +contrivance of every kind, that, to own the truth, I, at that moment, +felt half-justified in withdrawing part of my confidence from Charlotte. +'How in the world did such a scheme occur to you?' said I, after a +pause. 'Nothing like a plot ever enters my head.' + +'It occurred to me in the simplest way possible, my dear. Henry writes +to me remitting your money; describing you so as to prevent any chance +of imposition; and charging me not to rest till I have found you. "It +will distress her," says he, "to owe this little service to me, but +perhaps there is no remedy." Now, was not the very spirit of +contradiction enough to make one devise a remedy? Then he goes on--stay, +here is the letter:-- + +'"If she be found, I do not ask you to receive her to your acquaintance, +to your intimacy. There is something in Miss Percy which will +irresistibly win you to both. But I do ask you to tell me, with perfect +candour, the impression which her character makes upon your mind. Tell +me, with minute exactness, of her temper, her sentiments, her +employments, her pleasures. Describe even her looks and gestures. There +is meaning in the least of them. Write fearlessly--I am no weak lover +now. I know you ladies are all firm believers in the eternity of love; +and one part of the passion is indeed immortal in a heart of ordinary +warmth and delicacy. My interest in Miss Percy's welfare and improvement +is not less strong than in yours, my own Charlotte. Perhaps the +precariousness of her situation even turns my anxieties more strongly +towards her. Of course, this will no longer be the case when I know that +she is safe at Eredine; for you must prevail upon her to visit Eredine. +She has a thousand little _womanlinesses_ about her, which you could +never observe in an ordinary acquaintance of calls and tea-drinkings; +and you must be intimate with her before you can know or value that +delightful warmth and singleness of heart, which cannot but attach you. +I am sure she will bewitch my father. There is a gladness in her smile +that will delight his very soul." + +'Have not Henry and I shown a very decent portion of Highland +second-sight and discretion, think you, Ellen? His prediction has been +quite verified; and I am sure I have managed the plot incomparably.' + +'Ah, but Charlotte, after all, I wonder how you found it practicable. It +was a hundred to one that somebody should have let me into the secret.' + +'Hum! I might have been in some danger while we were in Edinburgh, +though few people there knew any thing of the matter. But, from the +moment we reached Glen Eredine, I knew we were safe. Nobody here would +mention to an inmate of our family the only shade that ever rested on +its name. Thank Heaven, even this stain is effaced now;--if, indeed, it +be a stain to submit to a temporary degradation in obedience to a +mother. You need not smile, Ellen. I am not so prejudiced as you think +me. I know that, if the name of those merchants had been mean as +obscurity could make it, it would have become honourable when borne by +Henry Graham. And to be sure, all professions are alike in the eye of +reason; only there are some which I think a gentleman should leave to +people who need money to distinguish them.' + +'Well,' said I, laughing, 'now that you have convinced me that you have +no prejudice, tell me how you could be sure that I only knew your +brother by his "upstart mercantile name." If he had had the spirit of +his sister, he could not have refrained from hinting his right to be +called a Graham.' + +'Oh, but Henry has nothing boastful in his disposition; and I knew that, +having given up his name to please his uncle, he scorned to make the +sacrifice by halves. The old gentleman hated us all as a clan of rebels; +and, while he lived, my mother would never even allow us to address our +letters to Henry under his real name; and I don't believe poor Henry +himself ever mentioned it to a human being. So, before I saw you, I +guessed that you might not be in the secret; and the moment I entered on +the business with you, I found I had guessed right. But I dare say Henry +will tell you his whole story now; for you must have many a confidential +_tête-à-tête_.' + +Confidential _tête-à-têtes_ with Mr Maitland! The idea led me into such +a reverie, that before I spoke again Charlotte was in bed, and asleep. + +I rose early; and yet, in three months of country negligence, my clothes +had all grown so troublesomely unbecoming, that, before I could make +them look tolerable, the family were assembled at breakfast. Maitland +took his place by me. 'I will sit between my sisters,' said he; and from +that time he called me, 'Sister Ellen.' The kindness of his manner made +me burn with shame at the recollection of my ungenerous purpose against +his peace. I held down my head, and was ready to thank Heaven that I saw +him well and happy. I was very glad, however, when I handed him his tea, +that my hand and arm were quite as beautiful as ever. My embarrassment +soon wore away. Maitland had evidently forgiven, he had almost, I +thought, forgotten my misconduct. So respectful, so kind were his +attentions, so equally divided between Charlotte and me, that I soon +forgot my restraint; and caught myself chattering and playing the fool +in my own natural manner. + +The day was past before I was aware; and every day stole away I know not +how. Their flight was marked only by our progress in the books which +Maitland read with Charlotte and me; or by that of a large plantation +which we all superintended together. Yet I protest, I have suffered more +weariness in one party of pleasure, than I did in a whole winter in Glen +Eredine. For, though the gentlemen always spent the mornings apart from +us, Charlotte and I were at no loss to fill up the hours of their +absence in the duties consequent upon being not only joint housewives in +the Castle, but schoolmistresses, chamber-council, physicians, +apothecaries, and listeners-general to all the female inhabitants of +Glen Eredine. What endless, what innumerable stories did this latter +office oblige me to hear? I am persuaded that I know not only the +present circumstances and characters of every person in the Glen, but +their family history from time immemorial, besides certain prophetic +glimpses of their future fortunes. + +I entirely escaped, however, the heavier labour of entertaining idle +gentlemen; for the bitterest storm of winter never confined Eredine or +Mr Graham to the fireside. Wrapped in their plaids, they braved the +blast, as the sports or the employments of the field required; and +returned prepared to be pleased with every thing at home. Our evenings +were delightful; enlivened as they were by Eredine's cheerfulness, +Charlotte's frank vivacity, and Henry's sly quiet humour. + +How often in their course did I wonder that I could ever think Maitland +cold and stately? His extensive information, his acquaintance with +scenes and manners which were new to us all, did indeed render his +conversation a source of instruction, as well as of amusement; but no +man was ever more free from that tendency towards dogma and harangue, +which is so apt to infect those who chiefly converse with inferiors. He +joined his family circle, neither determined to be wise nor to be witty, +but to give and receive pleasure. His was the true fire of conversation; +the kindly warmth was essential to its nature, the brilliance was an +accident. Maitland, indeed--but I must bid farewell to that name, the +only subject on which I cannot sympathise with the friends whom I love +the best. To me, though it be coupled with feeling of self-reproach and +regret, it is associated too with all that is venerable in worth, and +all that is splendid in eloquence. I exchange it for a noble name,--a +name which has mingled with many a wild verse, and many a romantic +tale,--a name which the historian and the poet shall celebrate when they +blazon actions more dazzling, but not more virtuous than those which +daily marked the life of Henry Graham! + +Spring came; and never, since the first spring adorned Eden, did that +season appear so lovely! So soft were its colours, so balmy its breezes, +so pure, so peaceful its moonlight,--such repose, such blest seclusion, +such confidential kindly home-breathing sweetness were in every scene! I +shall never forget the delightful coolness of a shower that dimpled the +calm lake, as Graham and I stood sheltered by an old fantastic fir-tree. +No sound was heard but the hush of the rain drops, and now and then the +distant wailing of the water-fowl. 'How often, both sleeping and awake, +have I dreamt of this!' said Graham, in the low confiding tone which +scarcely disturbed the stillness. 'And even now, I can scarcely believe +that it is not all a dream. This profound repose! every shadow sleeping +just where it lay, when I used to wonder what immeasurable depth of +waters could so represent the vault of heaven! And after my weary exile, +to be thus near to all that is dearest to me,--to feel their very +touch,--their very breath on my cheek----' + +I know not how it happened, but at that moment, I breathed with some +difficulty, and moved a little away. But then I suddenly recollected +that Charlotte was standing at his other side; and I moved back again, +lest he should think me very silly indeed. For Mr Graham was no lover of +mine; that is, he never talked of love to me; but I had begun to feel an +odd curiosity to know whether he ever would talk of it, and when. + +I pondered this matter very deeply for some days; and, after sundry +lonely rambles, and sederunts under the aforesaid fir-tree, I convinced +myself that, if Mr Graham chose to make love, I could not, without +abominable ingratitude, refuse to listen. + +I had returned from one of these rambles, and was just going to enter +the parlour, when, as I opened the door, I was arrested by the voice of +Graham within, speaking in that impressive tone of suppressed emotion +which he had already fixed irrevocably in my recollection. 'If it be +so,' said he, 'I am gone to-morrow. This day se'nnight I shall be in +London.' + +I was thunderstruck. He was going then without a thought of me! My hand +dropped from the lock; and I turned away, in a confused desire to escape +from his sight and hearing. + +'Bless me! Ellen! what is the matter with you?' cried Charlotte, whom I +met on the stair. I hurried past her without speaking, and shut myself +into my own apartment. + +'What _is_ the matter with me!' said I, throwing myself on a seat. The +question was no sooner asked than answered; and, though I was alone, I +could not help covering my face with my hands. The first distinct +purpose which broke in upon my amazement and consternation was, to see +Graham no more; to remain in my place of refuge till he was gone; and +then--it did not signify what then!--all after-life must be a blank +then! + +However, I was obliged to yield to Charlotte's entreaties for admission; +and, though all the interests of life were so soon to close, I was +obliged to take my tea; and then I was half forced to try the open air, +as a remedy for the headach, to which, like all heroines, I ascribed my +agitation. I somewhat repented of this compliance, however, when I found +that Graham was to be the companion of my walk; and, though I could not +decently refuse to take his arm, I endeavoured to look as frozen and +disagreeable as possible. He spoke to me, however, with such kind +solicitude; such respectful tenderness, that I was soon a little +reconciled to myself and him; and when Charlotte declared that she must +stop to visit a sick cottager, and he would by no means allow me to +breathe the close air of the cabin, I must own that I began to feel an +instinctive desire to escape a _tête-à-tête_. But I had not presence of +mind enough to defeat his purpose, and we pursued our walk together. + +He led me towards a little woody dell; I talking laboriously without +having any thing to say, he preserving an abstracted silence. But this +could not long continue; and, by the time we had lost sight of human +dwelling, our conversation was confined to short sentences, which, at +intervals of some minutes, made the listener start. In mere escape from +the awkwardness of my situation, I uttered some commonplace on the +beauty of the scenery; and desired Graham to look back towards the +bright lake, seen through the vista formed by the shaggy rocks, which +threw a twilight round us. + +'Yes,' said he, with a faint smile; 'let us stand and look at it +together for a few short moments. Perhaps one of us will never again see +it with pleasure. Lean on me, dear Miss Percy, as you are used to do, +and let me be happy while I dare.' + +He paused, but my eloquence was exhausted. I could not utter a word. + +'This night, this very hour,' he went on, 'must make all these beauties +a sickening blank to me, or perhaps heighten their interest a thousand +fold! Before we part this night, Ellen, I must learn from you whether +duty and pleasure are never to unite for me. You know how long I have +loved you, but I fear you can scarcely guess how tenderly. Dearest +Ellen! think what the affection must be, which withstood your errors, +your indifference, your scorn;--which neither time nor absence, nor +reason, could overcome. Think what it must be now, when I see thee all +that man ought to love! To live without you now, to remember thy form in +every scene, and know that thou art gone:--oh, Ellen! do not force me to +bear this! Say that you will permit me to try what perseverance, what +love unutterable, can do to win for me such affection as will satisfy +your own sense of duty, your own innocent mind, in that blessed +connection which would make us more than lovers or friends to each +other.' + +He paused in vain for a reply. If the fate of the universe had depended +on my speaking, I could have uttered nothing intelligible. I suppose, +however, the pleader began to conceive good hopes of his cause; for a +certain degree of saucy exultation mingled with the tones of entreaty, +as he said, 'Speak to me, dearest Ellen--only one word. Tell me that I +may one day hope to hear you own, that friendship, or habit, or call it +what you will, has made me necessary to your happiness.' + +I would have given the world for some expression that should convey +decent security to the worthy heart of Graham, without quite betraying +the weakness of my own. 'I cannot promise,' said I, without daring to +look up, 'that ever you will bring me to actual confession.' + +'Nay, Ellen,' said the unreasonable creature, 'think you this little +coquettish answer will content a man who asks his whole happiness from +you?' + +'I am sure I do not mean to coquet. Tell me what you wish me--what I +ought to say, and I will say it,--if I can.' + +'My own, my bewitching Ellen--' said Graham. + +But hold! I will not tell what he said. If Henry Graham for once spoke +nonsense, it would ill become me to record it. Nor will I relate my +answer; because, in truth, I know not what it was. But Graham understood +it to mean, that I was no longer the arrogant girl whose understanding, +dazzled by prosperity, was blind to his merit; whose heart, hardened by +vanity, was insensible to his love; no longer the thoughtless being +whose hopes and wishes were engrossed by the most substantial of all the +cheats that delude us in this world of shadows;--but a humbled creature, +thankful to find, in his sound mind and steady principle, a support for +her acknowledged weakness;--a traveller to a better country, pleased to +meet a fellow-pilgrim, who, animating her diligence, and checking her +wanderings, might soothe the toils of her journey, and rejoice with her +for ever in its blessed termination. + +I have now been many years a wife; and, in all that time, have never +left, nor wished to leave, Glen Eredine. Graham is still a kind of +lover; and though I retain a little of the coquettish sauciness of Ellen +Percy, I here confess that he is, if it be possible, dearer to me than +when he first folded his bride to his heart, and whispered, 'Mine for +ever.' + +We are still the guests of our venerable father; and within this hour he +told me, that his heart makes no difference between me and his own +Charlotte. Some misses lately arrived from a boarding-school, have begun +to call my sister an old maid; yet I do not perceive that this +cabalistic term has produced any ill effect on Charlotte's temper, or on +her happiness. + +I am the mother of three hardy, generous boys, and two pretty, +affectionate little girls. But far beyond my own walls extend the +charities of kindred. Many a smoke, curling in the morning sun, guides +my eye to the abode of true, though humble friends; for every one of +this faithful romantic race is united to me by the ties of relationship. +I am the mother of their future chieftain. Their interests, their joys, +their sorrows, are become my own. + +Having in my early days seized the enjoyments which selfish pleasure can +bestow, I might now compare them with those of enlarged affections, of +useful employment, of relaxations truly social, of lofty contemplation, +of devout thankfulness, of glorious hope. I might compare them!--but the +Lowland tongue wants energy for the contrast. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +Punctuation has been standardized except on page 25, after "'the way +that Miss Elizabeth ...," where it is unclear where the quotation ends. +Hyphenation has been made consistent. Spelling has been retained as it +appears in the original publication, except as follows: + + Page 2, doubless changed to doubtless + Page 5, perserverance changed to perseverance + Page 15, behavioiur changed to behaviour + Page 17, selon les regles changed to selon les règles + Page 23, pretentions changed to pretensions + Page 33, bienseances changed to bienséances + Page 33, "made some some" extra some removed + Page 36, waltze changed to waltz, twice + Page 38, father-in-aw changed to father-in-law + Page 45, decieving changed to deceiving + Page 52, "when we have have" extra have removed + Page 53, himsef changed to himself + Page 54, Mailtland changed to Maitland + Page 54, solider changed to soldier + Page 55, peculiuar changed to peculiar + Page 55, ambiguous check/cheek in original text changed to cheek + Page 62, digusted changed to disgusted + Page 79, nonchâlance changed to nonchalance + Page 83, disappoiont changed to disappoint + Page 92, Mohametan changed to Mahometan + Page 99, curiousity changed to curiosity + Page 104, intellignce changed to intelligence + "she was was abroad" changed to "she was abroad" + Page 111, forebearance changed to forbearance + Page 117, "blot upon her frame" frame changed to fame + Page 135, teachery changed to treachery + Page 137, mainly changed to manly + Page 138, dictatated changed to dictated + Page 144, sounder changed to sounded + Page 147, publishng changed to publishing + Page 158, assunder changed to asunder + Page 162, upn changed to upon + Page 167, instrusion changed to intrusion + Page 173, "than when I could no longer repay..." than changed to that + Page 175, forebore changed to forbore + Page 180, forseen changed to foreseen + Page 186, incresased changed to increased + Page 193, sine quâ non changed to sine qua non + Page 201, efficious changed to efficacious + Page 225, "(set) our immediately" our changed to out + Page 227, substracted changed to subtracted + Page 229, amd changed to and + Page 232, selon les regles changed to selon les règles + Page 242, reununciation changed to renunciation + Page 244, endeavourd changed to endeavoured + Page 253, stablity changed to stability + Page 259, nonchâlance changed to nonchalance + Page 260, elève changed to élève + Page 266, acquaitnance changed to acquaintance + Page 266, "many a time I though," though changed to thought + Page 266, fetes changed to fêtes + Page 268, (footnote 14) consecreted changed to consecrated + Page 270, sbroke changed to broke + Page 277, apearance changed to appearance + Page 303, relaxd changed to relaxed + Page 304, arrangmement changed to arrangement + Page 308, posssession changed to possession + Page 310, impertience changed to impertinence + Page 318, involuntairly changed to involuntarily + Page 322, recollet changed to recollect + Page 341, "valour of _out_ fathers." out changed to our + Page 342, grimvisaged changed to grim-visaged + Page 352, ptarmagans changed to ptarmigans + Page 358, ptarmagan changed to ptarmigan + Page 363, unfatihful changed to unfaithful + Page 366, foward changed to forward + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DISCIPLINE*** + + +******* This file should be named 38510-8.txt or 38510-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/8/5/1/38510 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Discipline</p> +<p>Author: Mary Brunton</p> +<p>Release Date: January 6, 2012 [eBook #38510]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DISCIPLINE***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau, Paula Franzini,<br /> + and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + +<h1 class="booktitle">DISCIPLINE</h1> + +<p class="h3">BY</p> + +<p class="h2">MARY BRUNTON</p> + + + +<p class="spacer"> </p> +<hr class="chap" /> +<h2 id="CONTENTS">CONTENTS.</h2> + +<div class="center600"> +<p> +<a href="#CHAPTER_I">CHAPTER I</a> +<span class="right">1</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_II">CHAPTER II</a> +<span class="right">11</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_III">CHAPTER III</a> +<span class="right">19</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_IV">CHAPTER IV</a> +<span class="right">32</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_V">CHAPTER V</a> +<span class="right">41</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_VI">CHAPTER VI</a> +<span class="right">51</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_VII">CHAPTER VII</a> +<span class="right">61</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">CHAPTER VIII</a> +<span class="right">73</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_IX">CHAPTER IX</a> +<span class="right">83</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_X">CHAPTER X</a> +<span class="right">101</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XI">CHAPTER XI</a> +<span class="right">114</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XII">CHAPTER XII</a> +<span class="right">124</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XIII">CHAPTER XIII</a> +<span class="right">143</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XIV">CHAPTER XIV</a> +<span class="right">156</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XV">CHAPTER XV</a> +<span class="right">165</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XVI">CHAPTER XVI</a> +<span class="right">178</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XVII">CHAPTER XVII</a> +<span class="right">193</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII">CHAPTER XVIII</a> +<span class="right">210</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XIX">CHAPTER XIX</a> +<span class="right">217</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XX">CHAPTER XX</a> +<span class="right">231</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXI">CHAPTER XXI</a> +<span class="right">244</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXII">CHAPTER XXII</a> +<span class="right">257</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIII">CHAPTER XXIII</a> +<span class="right">269</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIV">CHAPTER XXIV</a> +<span class="right">286</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXV">CHAPTER XXV</a> +<span class="right">301</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVI">CHAPTER XXVI</a> +<span class="right">313</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVII">CHAPTER XXVII</a> +<span class="right">327</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVIII">CHAPTER XXVIII</a> +<span class="right">340</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIX">CHAPTER XXIX</a> +<span class="right">351</span><br /> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XXX">CHAPTER XXX</a> +<span class="right">367</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +—<i>I was wayward, bold, and wild;<br /> +A self-willed imp; a grandame's child;<br /> +But, half a plague and half a jest,<br /> +Was still endured, beloved, carest.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Walter Scott<br /> +<br /> +</p> + +<p>I have heard it remarked, that he who writes his own history ought to +possess Irish humour, Scotch prudence, and English sincerity;—the +first, that his work may be read; the second that it may be read without +injury to himself; the third, that the perusal of it may be profitable +to others. I might, perhaps, with truth declare, that I possess only the +last of these qualifications. But, besides that my readers will probably +take the liberty of estimating for themselves my merits as a narrator, I +suspect, that professions of humility may possibly deceive the professor +himself; and that, while I am honestly confessing my disqualifications, +I may be secretly indemnifying my pride, by glorying in the candour of +my confession.</p> + +<p>Any expression of self-abasement might, indeed, appear peculiarly +misplaced as a preface to whole volumes of egotism; the world being +generally uncharitable enough to believe, that vanity may somewhat +influence him who chooses himself for his theme. Nor can I be certain +that this charge is wholly inapplicable to me; since it is notorious to +common observation, that, rather than forego their darling subject, the +vain will expatiate even on their errors. A better motive, however, +mingles with those which impel me to relate my story. It is no unworthy +feeling which leads such as are indebted beyond return, to tell of the +benefits they have received; or which prompts one who has escaped from +eminent peril, to warn others of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span> the danger of their way.</p> + +<p>It is, I believe, usual with those who undertake to be their own +biographers, to begin with tracing their illustrious descent. I fear +this portion of my history must be compiled from very scanty materials; +for my father, the only one of the race who was ever known to me, never +mentioned his family, except to preface a philippic against all +dignities in church and state. Against these he objected, as fostering +'that aristocratical contumely, which flesh and blood cannot endure'; a +vice which I have heard him declare to be, above all others, the object +of his special antipathy. For this selection, which will probably obtain +sympathy only from the base-born, my father was not without reason; for, +to the pride of birth it was <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'doubless'">doubtless</ins> owing that my grandfather, a +cadet of an ancient family, was doomed to starve upon a curacy, in +revenge for his contaminating the blood of the Percys by an unequal +alliance; and, when disappointment and privation had brought him to an +early grave, it was probably the same sentiment which induced his +relations to prolong his punishment in the person of his widow and +infants, who, with all possible dignity and unconcern, were left to +their fate. My father, therefore, began the world with very slender +advantages; an accident of which he was so far from being ashamed, that +he often triumphantly recorded it, ascribing his subsequent affluence to +his own skill and diligence alone.</p> + +<p>He was, as I first recollect him, a muscular dark-complexioned man, with +a keen black eye, cased in an extraordinary perplexity of wrinkle, and +shaded by a heavy beetling eyebrow. The peculiarity of his face was a +certain arching near the corner of his upper lip, to which it was +probably owing that a smile did not improve his countenance; but this +was of the less consequence, as he did not often smile. He had, indeed, +arrived at that age when gravity is at least excusable; although no +trace of infirmity appeared in his portly figure and strong-sounding +tread.</p> + +<p>His whole appearance and demeanour were an apt contrast to those of my +mother, in whose youthful form and features symmetry gained a charm from +that character of fragility which presages untimely decay, and that air +of melancholy which seems to welcome decline. I have her figure now +before me. I recollect the tender brightness of her eyes, as laying her +hand upon my head, she raised them silently to heaven. I love to +remember the fine flush that was called to her cheek by the fervour of +the half-uttered blessing. She<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span> was, in truth, a gentle being; and bore +my wayward humour with an angel's patience. But she exercised a control +too gentle over a spirit which needed to be reined by a firmer hand than +hers. She shrunk from bestowing even merited reproof, and never +inflicted pain without suffering much more than she caused. Yet, let not +these relentings of nature be called weakness—or if the stern morality +refuse to spare, let it disarm his severity, to learn that I was an only +child.</p> + +<p>I know not whether it was owing to the carelessness of nurses, or the +depravity of waiting-maids, or whether, 'to say all, nature herself +wrought in me so'; but, from the earliest period of my recollection, I +furnished an instance at least, if not a proof, of the corruption of +human kind; being proud, petulant, and rebellious. Some will probably +think the growth of such propensities no more unaccountable than that of +briars and thorns; being prepared, from their own experience and +observation, to expect that both should spring without any particular +culture. But whoever is dissatisfied with this compendious deduction, +may trace my faults to certain accidents in my early education.</p> + +<p>I was, of course, a person of infinite importance to my mother. While +she was present, her eye followed my every motion, and watched every +turn of my countenance. Anxious to anticipate every wish, and vigilant +to relieve every difficulty, she never thought of allowing me to pay the +natural penalties of impatience or self-indulgence. If one servant was +driven away by my caprice, another attended my bidding. If my toys were +demolished, new baubles were ready at my call. Even when my mother was +reluctantly obliged to testify displeasure, her coldness quickly yielded +to my tears; and I early discovered, that I had only to persevere in the +demonstrations of obstinate sorrow, in order to obtain all the +privileges of the party offended. When she was obliged to consign me to +my maid, it was with earnest injunctions that I should be +amused,—injunctions which it every day became more difficult to fulfil. +Her return was always marked by fond inquiries into my proceedings +during her absence; and I must do my attendants the justice to say, that +their replies were quite as favourable as truth would permit. They were +too politic to hazard, at once, my favour and hers, by being officiously +censorious. On the contrary, they knew how to ingratiate themselves, by +rehearsing my witticisms, with such additions and improvements as made +my original property in them rather doubtful. My mother,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> pleased with +the imposition, usually listened with delight; or, if she suspected the +fraud, was too gentle to repulse it with severity, and too partial +herself, to blame what she ascribed to a kindred partiality. On my +father's return from the counting-house, my double rectified <i>bon mots</i> +were commonly repeated to him, in accents low enough to draw my +attention, as to somewhat not intended for my ear, yet so distinct as +not to balk my curiosity. This record of my wit served a triple purpose. +It confirmed my opinion of my own consequence, and of the vast +importance of whatever I was pleased to say or do: it strengthened the +testimony which my mother's visiters bore to my miraculous prematurity; +and it established in my mind that association so favourable to feminine +character, between repartee and applause!</p> + +<p>To own the truth, my mother lay under strong temptation to report my +sallies, for my father always listened to them with symptoms of +pleasure. They sometimes caused his countenance to relax into a smile; +and sometimes, either when they were more particularly brilliant, or his +spirits in a more harmonious tone, he would say, 'Come, Fanny, get me +something nice for supper, and keep Ellen in good humour, and I won't go +to the club to-night.' He generally, however, had reason to repent of +this resolution; for though my mother performed her part to perfection, +I not unfrequently experienced, in my father's presence, that restraint +which has fettered elder wits under a consciousness of being expected to +entertain. Or, if my efforts were more successful, he commonly closed +his declining eulogiums by saying, 'It is a confounded pity she is a +girl. If she had been of the right sort, she might have got into +Parliament, and made a figure with the best of them. But now what use is +her sense of?'—'I hope it will contribute to her happiness,' said my +mother, sighing as if she had thought the fulfilment of her hope a +little doubtful. 'Poh!' quoth my father, 'no fear of her happiness. +Won't she have two hundred thousand pounds, and never know the trouble +of earning it, nor need to do one thing from morning to night but amuse +herself?' My mother made no answer;—so by this and similar +conversations, a most just and desirable connection was formed in my +mind between the ideas of amusement and happiness, of labour and misery.</p> + +<p>If to such culture as this I owed the seeds of my besetting sins, at +least, it must be owned that the soil was propitious, for the bitter +root spread with disastrous vigour; striking so deep, that the iron +grasp of adversity, the giant strength of awakened conscience, have +failed to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> tear it wholly from the heart, though they have crushed its +outward luxuriance.</p> + +<p>Self-importance was fixed in my mind long before I could examine the +grounds of this preposterous sentiment. It could not properly be said to +rest on my talents, my beauty, or my prospects. Though these had each +its full value in my estimation, they were but the trappings of my idol, +which, like other idols, owed its dignity chiefly to the misjudging +worship which I saw it receive. Children seldom reflect upon their own +sentiments; and their self-conceit may, humanly speaking, be incurable, +before they have an idea of its turpitude, or even of its existence. +During the many years in which mine influenced every action and every +thought, whilst it hourly appeared in the forms of arrogance, of +self-will, impatience of reproof, love of flattery, and love of sway, I +should have heard of its very existence with an incredulous smile, or +with an indignation which proved its power. And when at last I learnt to +bestow on one of its modifications a name which the world agrees to +treat with some respect, I could own that I was even 'proud of my +pride;' representing every instance of a contrary propensity as the +badge of a servile and grovelling disposition.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile my encroachments upon the peace and liberty of all who +approached me, were permitted for the very reason which ought to have +made them be repelled,—namely, that I was but a child! I was the +dictatrix of my playfellows, the tyrant of the servants, and the +idolised despot of both my parents. My father, indeed, sometimes +threatened transient rebellion, and announced opposition in the tone of +one determined to conquer or die; but, though justice might be on his +side, <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'perserverance'">perseverance</ins>, a surer omen of success, was upon mine. Hour after +hour, nay, day after day, I could whine, pout, or importune, encouraged +by the remembrance of former victories. My obstinacy always at length +prevailed, and of course gathered strength for future combat. Nor did it +signify how trivial might be the matter originally in dispute. Nothing +could be unimportant which opposed my sovereign will. That will became +every day more imperious; so that, however much it governed others, I +was myself still more its slave, knowing no rest or peace but in its +gratification. I had often occasion to rue its triumphs, since not even +the cares of my fond mother could always shield me from the consequences +of my perverseness; and by the time I had reached my eighth year, I was +one of the most troublesome, and, in spite of great natural hilarity of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> +temper, at times one of the most unhappy beings, in that great +metropolis which contains such variety of annoyance and of misery.</p> + +<p>Upon retracing this sketch of the progress and consequences of my early +education, I begin to fear, that groundless censure may fall upon the +guardians of my infancy; and that defect of understanding or of +principle may be imputed to those who so unsuccessfully executed their +trust. Let me hasten to remove such a prejudice. My father's +understanding was respectable in the line to which he chose to confine +its exertions. Indifference to my happiness or my improvement cannot +surely be alleged against him, for I was the pride of his heart. I have +seen him look up from his newspaper, while reading the 'shipping +intelligence,' or the opposition speeches, to listen to the praises of +my beauty or my talents; and, except when his temper was irritated by my +perverseness, I was the object of his almost exclusive affection. But he +was a man of business. His days were spent in the toil and bustle of +commerce; and, if the evening brought him to his home, it was not +unnatural that he should there seek domestic peace and relaxation,—a +purpose wholly incompatible with the correction of a spoiled child. My +mother was indeed one of the finer order of spirits. She had an elegant, +a tender, a pious mind. Often did she strive to raise my young heart to +Him from whom I had so lately received my being. But, alas! her too +partial fondness overlooked in her darling the growth of that pernicious +weed, whose shade is deadly to every plant of celestial origin. She +continued unconsciously to foster in me that spirit of pride, which may +indeed admit the transient admiration of excellence, or even the passing +fervours of gratitude, but which is manifestly opposite to vital +piety;—to that piety which consists in a surrender of self-will, of +self-righteousness, of self in every form, to the Divine justice, +holiness, and sovereignty. It was, perhaps, for training us to this +temper, of such difficult, yet such indispensable attainment, that the +discipline of parental authority was intended. I have long seen reason +to repent the folly which deprived me of the advantages of this useful +apprenticeship, but this conviction has been the fruit of discipline far +more painful.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, my self-will was preparing for me an immediate +punishment, and eventually a heavy, and irremediable misfortune. I had +just entered my ninth year, when one evening an acquaintance of my +mother's sent me an invitation to her box in the theatre. As I had been +for some days confined at home by a cold, and sore throat, my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> mother +judged it proper to refuse. But the message had been unwarily delivered +in my hearing, and I was clamorous for permission to go. The danger of +compliance being, in this instance, manifest, my mother resisted my +entreaties with unwonted firmness. After arguing with me, and soothing +me in vain, she took the tone of calm command, and forbade me to urge +her further. I then had recourse to a mode of attack which I often found +successful, and began to scream with all my might. My mother, though +with tears in her eyes, ordered a servant to take me out of the room. +But, at the indignity of plebeian coercion, my rage was so nearly +convulsive, that, in terror, she consented to let me remain, upon +condition of quietness. I was, however, so far from fulfilling my part +of this compact, that my father, who returned in the midst of the +contest, lost patience; and, turning somewhat testily to my mother, +said, 'The child will do herself more harm by roaring there, than by +going to fifty plays.'</p> + +<p>I observed (for my agonies by no means precluded observation) that my +mother only replied by a look, which seemed to say that she could have +spared this apostrophe; but my father growing a little more out of +humour as he felt himself somewhat in the wrong, chose to answer to that +look, by saying, in an angry tone, 'It really becomes you well, Mrs +Percy, to pretend that I spoil the child, when you know you can refuse +her nothing.'</p> + +<p>'That, I fear,' said my mother, with a sigh, 'will be Ellen's great +misfortune. Her dispositions seem such as to require restraint.'</p> + +<p>'Poh!' quoth my father, 'her dispositions will do well enough. A woman +is the better for a spice of the devil!'—an aphorism, which we have +owed at first to some gentleman who, like my father, had slender +experience in the pungencies of female character.</p> + +<p>Gathering hopes from this dialogue, I redoubled my vociferation, till my +father, out of all patience, closed the contest, as others had been +closed before, by saying, 'Well, well, you perverse, ungovernable brat, +do take your own way, and have done with it.' I instantly profited by +the permission, was dressed, and departed for the play.</p> + +<p>I paid dearly for my triumph. The first consequence of it was a +dangerous fever. My mother,—but what words can do justice to the cares +which saved my quivering life; what language shall paint the tenderness +that watched my restless bed, and pillowed my aching temples on her +bosom; that shielded from the light the burning eye, and warded from +every sound the morbid ear; that persevered in these cares of love till +nature failed beneath the toil, and till, with her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span> own precious life, +she had redeemed me from the grave! My mother—first, fondest love of my +soul! is this barren, feeble record, the only return I can make for all +thy matchless affection?</p> + +<p>After hanging for three weeks upon the very brink of the grave, I +recovered. But anxiety and fatigue had struck to the gentlest, the +kindest of hearts; and she to whom I twice owed my life, was removed +from me before I had even a thought of my vast debt of gratitude. For +some months her decline was visible to every eye, except that of the +poor heedless being who had most reason to dread its progress. Yet even +I, when I saw her fatigued with my importunate prattle, or exhausted by +my noisy merriment, would check my spirits, soften my voice to a +whisper, and steal round her sofa on tiptoe. Ages would not efface from +my mind the tenderness with which she received these feeble attributes +of an affection, alas! so dearly earned. By degrees, the constant +intercourse which had been the blessing of my life was exchanged for +short occasional visits to my mother's chamber. Again these were +restricted to a few moments, while the morning lent her a short-lived +vigour; and a few more, while I received her evening blessing.</p> + +<p>At length three days passed, in which I had not seen my mother. I was +then summoned to her presence; and, full of the improvident rapture of +childhood, I bounded gaily to her apartment. But all gladness fled, when +my mother, folding me in her arms, burst into a feeble cry, followed by +the big convulsive sob which her weakness was unable to repress. Many a +time did she press her pale lips to every feature of my face; and often +strove to speak, but found no utterance. An attendant, who was a +stranger to me, now approached to remove me, saying, that my mother +would injure herself. In the dread of being parted from her child, my +fond parent found momentary strength; and, still clinging to me, hid her +face on my shoulder, and became more composed. 'Ellen,' said she, in a +feeble broken voice, 'lift up thy little hands, and pray that we may +meet again.' Unconscious of her full meaning, I knelt down by her; and, +resting my lifted hands upon her knees as I was wont to do while she +taught me to utter my infant petitions, I said, 'Oh! let mamma see her +dear Ellen again!' Once more she made me repeat my simple prayer; then, +bending over me, she rested her locked hands upon my head, and the +warmth of a last blessing burst into tremulous interrupted whispers. One +only of these parting benedictions is imprinted on my mind. Wonder +impressed it there at first; and, when nearly effaced by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> time, the +impression was restored with force irresistible. These were the +well-remembered words: 'Oh be kinder than her earthly parents, and show +thyself a father, though it be in chastising.'</p> + +<p>Many a tender wish did she breathe, long since forgotten by her +thoughtless child, till at last the accents of love were again lost in +the thick struggling sobs of weakness. Again the attendant offered to +remove me; and I, half-wearied with the sadness of the scene, was not +unwilling to go. Yet I tried to soothe a sorrow which I could not +comprehend, by promising that I would soon return. Once more, with the +strength of agony, my mother pressed me to her bosom; then, turning away +her head, she pushed me gently from her. I was led from her chamber—the +door closed—I heard again the feeble melancholy cry, and her voice was +silent to my ear for ever.</p> + +<p>The next day I pleaded in vain to see my mother. Another came, and every +face looked mournfully busy. I saw not my father; but the few domestics +who approached me, gazed sadly on my childish pastime, or uttered an +expression of pity, and hurried away. Unhappily, I scarcely knew why, I +remembered my resort in all my little distresses, and insisted upon +being admitted to my mother. My attendant long endeavoured to evade +compliance, and when she found me resolute, was forced to tell the +melancholy truth. She had so often combated my wilfulness by deceit, +that I listened without believing; yet, when I saw her serious +countenance, something like alarm added to my impatience, and, bursting +from her, I flew to my mother's chamber.</p> + +<p>The door which used to fly open at my signal was fastened, and no one +answered my summons; but the key remained in the lock, and I soon +procured admission. All seemed strangely altered since I saw it last. No +trace appeared of my mother's presence. Here reigned the order and the +stillness of desolation. The curtains were drawn back, and the bed +arranged with more than wonted care: yet it seemed pressed by the +semblance of a human form. I drew away the cover, and beheld my mother's +face. I thought she slept; yet the stern quietness of her repose was +painful to me. 'Wake, dear mamma,' I hastily cried, and wondered when +the smile of love answered not my call. I reached my hand to touch her +cheek, and started at its coldness; yet, still childishly incredulous of +my loss, I sprang upon the bed, and threw my arm round her neck.</p> + +<p>A frightful shriek made me turn, and I beheld my attendant stretching +her arms towards me, as if fearing to approach. Her looks<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> of horror and +alarm,—her incoherent expressions,—the motionless form before me, at +last convinced me of the truth; and all the vulgar images of death and +sepulture rushing on my mind, I burst into agonies of mingled grief and +fear. To be carried hence by strangers, laid in the earth, shut out for +ever from the light and from me!—I clung to the senseless clay, +resolved, while I had life, to shield my dear mother from such a fate.</p> + +<p>My cries assembled the family, who attempted to withdraw me from the +scene. In vain they endeavoured to persuade or to terrify me. I +continued to hang on the bosom which had nourished me, and to mingle my +cries of Mother! mother! with vows that I would never leave her, not +though they should hide me with her in the earth. At last my father +commanded the servants to remove me by force. In vain I struggled and +shrieked in anguish. I was torn from her,—and the tie was severed for +ever! +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Such little wasps, and yet so full of spite;<br /> +For bulk mere insects, yet in mischief strong.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Tate's Juvenal<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>For some hours I was inconsolable; but at length tired nature befriended +me, and I wept myself to sleep. The next morning, before I was +sufficiently awake for recollection, I again, in a confused sense of +pain, began my instinctive wailing. I was, however, somewhat comforted +by the examination of my new jet ornaments; and the paroxysms of my +grief thenceforth returned at lengthening intervals, and with abating +force. Yet when I passed my mother's chamber-door, and remembered that +all within was desolate, I would cast myself down at the threshold, and +mix with shrieks of agony the oft-repeated cry of Mother! mother! Or, +when I was summoned to the parlour, where no one now was concerned to +promote my pastimes, or remove my difficulties, or grant my +requests,—on the failure of some of my little projects, I would lean my +head on her now vacant seat, and vent a quieter sorrow, till reproof +swelled it into loud lamentation.</p> + +<p>These passing storms my father found to be very hostile to the calm +which he had promised himself in a fortnight of decent seclusion from +the cares of the counting-house. Besides, I became, in other respects, +daily more troublesome. The only influence which could bend my stubborn +will being now removed, he was hourly harassed with complaints of my +refractory conduct. It was constantly, 'Sir, Miss Ellen won't go to +bed,'—'Sir, Miss Ellen won't get up,'—'Sir, Miss Ellen won't have her +hair combed,'—'Sir, Miss Ellen won't learn her lesson.' My father +having tried his authority some half-a-dozen times in vain, declared, +not without reason, that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> the child was completely spoiled; so, by way +of a summary cure for the evil, so far at least as it affected himself, +he determined to send me to a fashionable boarding-school.</p> + +<p>In pursuance of this determination I was conveyed to —— House, then +one of the most polite seminaries of the metropolis, and committed to +the tuition of Madame Duprè. My father, who did not pique himself on his +acquaintance with the mysteries of education, gave no instructions in +regard to mine, except that expense should not be spared on it; and he +certainly never found reason to complain that this injunction was +neglected. For my own part, I submitted, without opposition, to the +change in my situation. The prospect of obtaining companions of my own +age reconciled me to quitting the paternal roof, which I had of late +found a melancholy abode.</p> + +<p>A school,—it has been observed so often, that we are all tired of the +observation,—a school is an epitome of the world. I am not even sure +that the bad passions are not more conspicuous in the baby commonwealth, +than among the 'children of a larger growth;' since, in after-life, +experience teaches some the policy of concealing their evil +propensities; while others, in a course of virtuous effort, gain +strength to subdue them. Be that as it may, I was scarcely domesticated +in my new abode ere I began at once to indulge and to excite the most +unamiable feelings of our nature.</p> + +<p>'What a charming companion Miss Percy will make for Lady Maria,' said +one of the teachers to another who was sitting near her. 'Yes,' returned +the other in a very audible whisper, 'and a lovely pair they are.' The +first speaker, directing to me a disapproving look, lowered her voice, +and answered something of which only the words 'not to be compared' +reached my ear. The second, with seeming astonishment at the sentiments +of her opponent, and a glance of complacency to me, permitted me to hear +that the words 'animation,' 'sensibility,' 'intelligence,' formed part +of her reply. The first drew up her head, giving her antagonist a +disdainful smile; and the emphatical parts of her speech were, 'air of +fashion,' 'delicacy,' 'mien of noble birth,' &c. &c. A comparison was +next instituted aloud between the respective ages of Lady Maria and +myself; and at this point of the controversy, the said Lady Maria +happened to enter the room.</p> + +<p>I must confess that I had reason to be flattered by any personal +comparison between myself and my little rival, who was indeed one of the +loveliest children in the world. So dazzling was the fairness of her +complexion, so luxuriant her flaxen hair, so bright her large blue<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> +eyes, that, in my approbation of her beauty, I forgot to draw from the +late conversation an obvious inference in favour of my own. But I was +not long permitted to retain this desirable abstraction from self. 'Here +is a young companion for you, Lady Maria,' said the teacher:—'come, and +I will introduce you to each other.'</p> + +<p>Her little Ladyship, eyeing me askance, answered, 'I can't come now—the +dress-maker is waiting to fit on my frock.'</p> + +<p>'Come hither at once when you are desired, young lady,' said my +champion, in no conciliating tone; and Lady Maria, pouting her pretty +under lip, obeyed.</p> + +<p>The teacher, who seemed to take pleasure in thwarting her impatience to +begone, detained her after the introduction, till it should be +ascertained which of us was eldest, and then till we should measure +which was tallest. Lady Maria, who had confessed herself to be two years +older than I was, reddened with mortification when my champion +triumphantly declared me to have the advantage in stature. It was not +till the little lady seemed thoroughly out of humour that she was +permitted to retire; and I saw her no more till we met in school, where +the same lesson was prescribed to both. Desirous that the first +impression of my abilities should be favourable, I was diligent in +performing my task. Perhaps some remains of ill-humour made Lady Maria +neglect hers. Of consequence, I was commended, Lady Maria reproved. Had +the reproof and the commendation extended only to our respective degrees +of diligence, the equitable sentence would neither have inflamed the +conceit of the one, nor the jealousy of the other; but my former +champion, whose business it was to examine our proficiency, incautiously +turned the spirit of competition into a channel not only unprofitable +but mischievous, by making our different success the test of our +abilities, not of our industry; and while I cast a triumphant glance +upon my fair competitor, I saw her eyes fill with tears not quite 'such +as angels shed.'</p> + +<p>At length we were all dismissed to our pastimes; and 'every one strolled +off his own glad way;' every one but I; who finding myself, for the +first time in my life, of consequence to nobody, and restrained partly +by pride, partly by bashfulness, from making advances to my new +associates, sat down alone, looking wistfully from one merry party to +another. My attention was arrested by a group more quiet than the rest; +where, however, my new rival seemed to play the orator, speaking very +earnestly to two of her companions, and laying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> one hand on the shoulder +of each, as if to enforce attention. Her Ladyship spoke in whispers, for +good manners are not hereditary; casting, at intervals, such glances +towards me as showed that I was the subject of remarks not over +laudatory.</p> + +<p>Presently the group began to move; and Lady Maria, leading it, as if by +accident, to the place where I sat, accosted me with an air of +restrained haughtiness. 'Pray, Miss Percy,' said she, 'are you of the +Duke of Northumberland's family?'—'No,' answered I.—'What Percys, +then, do you belong to?'—'I belong to my father, Mr. Percy, the great +West India merchant, in Bloomsbury Square,' returned I, not doubting +that my consequence would be raised by this information. To my great +surprise, however, Lady Maria's ideas of my importance did not seem +affected by this intelligence; for she said in a familiar tone, 'But who +was your grandfather, my dear? I suppose you had a grandfather!'—and +she looked round for applause at this sally.</p> + +<p>Now it happened that I was then wholly ignorant of the dignity which may +be derived from this relative, having never heard whether I had a +grandfather or not; but I plainly perceived that the question was not +graciously meant; and therefore I answered, with mixed simplicity and +ill-humour, 'Oh! I am not a fool,—I know I must have had a grandfather; +but I think he could not be a duke, for I have heard papa say he had +just five shillings to begin the world with!'</p> + +<p>'So, for aught you can tell,' said Lady Maria, shrugging her shoulders +and tittering, 'your father may be the son of a blacksmith or a +cobbler!'</p> + +<p>'No, no,' interrupted one of her Ladyship's abettors, 'don't you hear +Miss Percy say that he owed his being to a crown!'</p> + +<p>This piece of boarding-school wit seemed to delight Lady Maria, who, +looking me full in the face, burst into a most vociferous fit of +laughter; an impertinence which I resented with more spirit than +elegance, by giving her Ladyship a hearty box on the ear. A moment of +dead silence ensued; the by-standers looking at each in consternation, +while my pretty antagonist collected her breath for screams of pain and +rage.</p> + +<p>The superior powers were speedily assembled on the field of conflict; +and the grounds of quarrel were investigated. The incivility of mine +adversaries was reproved; but my more heinous outrage was judged worthy +of imprisonment. In consequence of my being a stranger, it was proposed +that this punishment should be remitted,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> upon condition of my +apologising to Lady Maria, and promising future good <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'behavioiur'">behaviour</ins>. With +these conditions, however, I positively refused to comply; declaring +that, if they were necessary to my release, I would remain in +confinement till my father removed me from school. In vain did the +teachers entreat, and Madame Duprè command. I insisted, with sobs of +indignation, that Lady Maria was justly punished for her impertinence; +and stoutly asserted my right to defend myself from aggression. The +maintenance of order required that I should be subdued; and, finding me +altogether inflexible in regard to the terms of capitulation, the +governess, in spite of the wildest transports of my rage, committed me +to close custody.</p> + +<p>Left to itself, my fury, by degrees, subsided into sullen resolution. +Conceiving that I had been unjustly treated, I determined not to yield. +This humour lasted till the second day of my captivity, when I began to +entertain some thoughts of a compromise with my dignity. Yet, when the +original terms were again proposed to me without abatement, pride +forbade me to accept what I had so often refused; and I remained another +day in durance. At last, when I was heartily wearied of solitude and +inaction, I received a visit from my champion; and though I had +stubbornly withstood higher authority, I was moved by remembrance of the +favour she had shown me, to consent, that, provided Lady Maria would +humble herself before me for her impertinence, I would apologise for the +blow which I had given. It was now her Ladyship's turn to be obstinate. +She refused to comply; so after another day's confinement I was +liberated unconditionally, as having sufficiently expiated my fault.</p> + +<p>From that time an ill-humour prevailed between Lady Maria and myself, +which was kept alive by mutual indications of insolence and ill-will. It +had too little dignity to bear the name of hatred; and might rather be +characterised as a kind of snappishness, watchful to give and to take +offence. Our companions enlisted in our quarrels. By degrees almost +every girl in the school had been drawn to engage on one side or other; +and our mutual bickerings were often carried on with as much rancour as +ever envenomed the contests of Whig and Tory.</p> + +<p>Of all my adherents, the last to declare in my favour, the most steady +when fixed, was Miss Juliet Arnold, the daughter of an insurance-broker +lately deceased. Mr Arnold, finding it impossible to derive from himself +or his ancestors sufficient consequence to satisfy his desires, was +obliged to draw for importance upon posterity, by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> becoming the founder +of a family; therefore, leaving his daughter almost in a state of +dependence, he bequeathed the bulk of a considerable fortune to his son. +This young gentleman calculated that the most frugal way of providing +for his sister would be to aid her in obtaining an establishment. Miss +Juliet Arnold, therefore, was educated to be married.</p> + +<p>Let no simple reader, trained by an antiquated grandmother in the +country, imagine my meaning to be that Miss Arnold was practised in the +domestic, the economical, the submissive virtues; that she was skilled +in excusing frailty, enlivening solitude, or scattering sunshine upon +the passing clouds of life!—I only mean that Miss Arnold was taught +accomplishments which were deemed likely to attract notice and +admiration; that she knew what to withdraw from the view, and what to +prepare for exhibition; that she was properly instructed in the value of +settlements; and duly convinced of the degradation and misery of failure +in the grand purpose of a lady's existence. For the rest, nature had +done much to qualify Juliet for her profession; for she had a pliant +temper, and an easy address; she could look undesigning, and flatter +fearlessly; her manners were caressing, her passions cool, and her +person was generally agreeable, without being handsome enough to awaken +the caution of the one sex or the envy of the other. Even when a child, +she had an instinctive preference for companions superior to herself in +rank and fortune; and though she was far from being a general favourite, +was sure to make herself acceptable where she chose to conciliate.</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold balanced long between my party and that of Lady Maria de +Burgh. She affected to be equally well inclined to both, and even +assumed the character of mediatrix. An invitation from Lady Maria to +spend the holidays at the seat of her father the Duke of C——, entirely +alienated Miss Arnold from my interests for a time; but just as she had +finished her preparations for the important journey, the fickle dame of +quality transferred her choice of a travelling companion to a young lady +of her own rank, whose holiday festivities she was desirous of sharing +in her turn.</p> + +<p>From this time, Miss Arnold was my firm ally. She praised me much, +defended me pertinaciously, and, right or wrong, embraced my opinions. +Of course, she convinced me of her ardent affection for me; and I, +accustomed almost from my birth to love with my whole heart, seized the +first object that promised to fill the place which was now vacant there. +Miss Arnold and I, therefore, became inseparable.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> We espoused each +other's quarrels, abetted each other's frolics, assisted each other's +plots, and excused each other's misdemeanours. I smuggled forbidden +novels into school for her; and she introduced contraband sweetmeats for +me. In short, to use the language often applied to such confederations, +we were 'great friends.'</p> + +<p>This compact was particularly advantageous to me; for having, partly +from nature, partly from habitual confidence of indulgence, a tendency +to blunt plain-dealing, I was altogether inadequate to the invention of +the hundred sly tricks and convenient excuses which I owed to the +superior genius of my confederate. Often when I would have resigned +myself, like a simpleton, to merited reproof, did she, with a bold +flight of imagination, interpose, and bear me through in triumph. If +these efforts of invention had been made in the cause of another, I +might have been tempted to brand them with their proper title; as it +was, I first learnt to pardon them because of their good nature, and +then to admire them for their ingenuity.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile our education proceeded <i>selon les <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'regles'">règles</ins></i>. We were taught the +French and Italian languages; but, in as far as was compatible with +these acquisitions, we remained in ignorance of the accurate science, or +elegant literature to which they might have introduced us. We learnt to +draw landscape; but, secluded from the fair originals of nature, we +gained not one idea from the art, except such as were purely mechanical. +Miss Arnold painted beautiful fans, and I was an adept in the +manufacture of card purses and match figures. But had we been restricted +to the use of such apparel as we could make, I fear we should have been +reduced to even more than fashionable scantiness of attire. The +advertisements from —— House protested that 'the utmost attention +should be paid to the morals of the pupils;' which promise was +performed, by requiring, that every Sunday afternoon, we should repeat +by rote a page of the Catechism, after which we were sent 'forth to +meditate, at even tide,' in the Park. We were instructed in the art of +wearing our clothes fashionably, and arranging our decorations with +grace and effect; but as for 'the ornaments of a meek and quiet spirit,' +they were in no higher estimation at —— House than 'wimples and round +tires like the moon.'</p> + +<p>At the end of seven years of laborious and expensive trifling, the only +accomplishment, perhaps, in which I had attained real proficiency, was +music. I had naturally a clear voice, a delicate ear, and a strong +sensibility to sweet sounds; but I should never have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> exercised the +perseverance necessary to excellence, had it not been from emulation of +Lady Maria de Burgh. This stimulant, of doubtful character, even when +untainted with the poison of enmity, operated so effectually, that I at +last outstripped all my competitors; and my musical powers were +pronounced equal to any which the public may command for hire. This +acquisition (I blush whilst I write it) cost me the labour of seven +hours a day!—full half the time which, after deducting the seasons of +rest and refreshment, remained for all the duties of a rational, a +social, an immortal being! Wise Providence! was it to be squandered +thus, that leisure was bestowed upon a happy few!—leisure, the most +precious distinction of wealth!—leisure, the privilege of Eden! for +which fallen man must so often sigh and toil in vain!</p> + +<p>Not such were the sentiments with which at sixteen I reviewed my +acquirements. I considered them as not less creditable to my genius and +industry, than suitable to the sphere in which I expected to move; and I +earnestly longed to exhibit them in a world which my imagination peopled +with admiring friends. I had, besides, an indistinct desire to challenge +notice for gifts of more universal attraction. I knew that I was rich; I +more than half suspected that I was handsome; and my heart throbbed to +taste the pleasures and the pomps of wealth, but much more to claim the +respectful homage, the boundless sway, which I imagined to be the +prerogative of beauty.</p> + +<p>In the summer of my sixteenth year, Lady Maria was removed from school +to accompany the duchess her mother, on a tour to the watering places; +and the accounts with which she favoured her less fortunate companions, +of her dresses, her amusements, and her beaux, stimulated my impatience +for release. My father at last yielded to my importunities; and +consented, that, at the beginning of the fashionable winter, I should +enter a world which looked so alluring from afar; where the objects, +like sparks glittering in the distant fallow, flashed with a splendour +which they owed only to the position of the eye that gazed on them. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Lamented goodness!—Yet I see<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The fond affection melting in her eye.</span><br /> +She bends its tearful orb on me,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And heaves the tender sigh;</span><br /> +As thoughtful she the toils surveys,<br /> +That crowd in life's perplexing maze.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Langhorne<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>My father signalised my return from school by a change in his mode of +life. He had been accustomed to repair regularly every morning at ten +o'clock, to the counting-house; and there, or upon 'Change, he spent the +greater part of the day in a routine of business, which twenty years had +seen uninterrupted, save by the death of my mother, and a weekly journey +to his villa at Richmond, where he always spent Saturday and Sunday. +Upon placing me at the head of his establishment, my father, not aware +of the difference between possessing leisure and enjoying it, determined +to shake off, in part, the cares of business, and to exchange a life of +toil for one of recreation, or rather of repose. Upon this account, and +tempted by a valuable consideration, he admitted into the house a junior +partner, who undertook to perform all the drudgery of superintending one +of the most extensive mercantile concerns in London, while my father +retained a large share of the profits.</p> + +<p>At the Christmas holidays I quitted school, impatient to enter on the +delights of womanhood. My father, whose ideas of relaxation were all +associated with his villa at Richmond, determined that I should there +spend the time which intervened before the commencement of the gay +winter. In compliance with my request, he invited<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> Miss Arnold, whose +liberation took place at the same time with my own, to spend a few weeks +with me,—an invitation which was gladly accepted.</p> + +<p>This indulgence, however, was somewhat balanced by the presence of a +very different companion. My mother was a woman of real piety; and to +her was accorded that 'medicine of life,' which respectable authority +has assigned exclusively to persons of that character. She had a +'faithful friend.' This friend still survived, and in her my father +sought a kind and judicious adviser for my inexperience. He pressed her +to make his house her permanent abode, and to share with him in the +government of my turbulent spirit, until it should be consigned to other +authority. Miss Elizabeth Mortimer, therefore, though she refused to +relinquish entirely the independence of a home, left her cottage for a +while to the care of her only maid-servant; and rejoicing in an occasion +of manifesting affection for her departed friend, and pleasing herself +with the idea that one bond of sympathy yet remained between them, +prepared to revive her friendship to the mother in acts of kindness to +the child.</p> + +<p>I regret to say that she was received with sentiments much less +amicable. Miss Arnold and I considered her as a spy upon our actions, +and a restraint upon our pleasures. We called her Argus and duenna; +voted her a stick, a bore, a quiz, or, to sum up all reproach in one +comprehensive epithet, a Methodist. Not that she really was a sectary. +On the contrary, she was an affectionate and dutiful daughter of the +establishment, countenancing schismatics no further, than by adopting +such of their doctrines and practices as are plainly scriptural, and by +testifying towards them, on all occasions, whether of opposition or +conformity, a charity which evinced the divinity of its own origin. But +Miss Mortimer displayed a practical conviction, that grey hairs ought to +be covered with a cap; and that a neck of five-and-forty is the better +for a handkerchief; she attended church regularly; was seldom seen in a +public place; and, above all, was said to have the preposterous custom +of condescending to join her own servants in daily prayer. Miss Arnold +and I were persuaded that our duenna would attempt to import this +'pernicious superstition' into her new residence, and we resolved upon a +vigorous resistance of her authority.</p> + +<p>Our spirit, however, was not put to the proof. Miss Mortimer affected no +authority. She seemed indeed anxious to be useful, but afraid to be +officious. She was even so sparing of direct advice, that,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> had she not +been the most humble of human beings, I should have said that she +trusted to the dignity and grace of her general sentiments, and the +beautiful consistency of her example, for effecting the enormous +transition from what I was to what I ought to be.</p> + +<p>Her gentleness converted the dislike of her charge into feelings +somewhat less hostile. My friend and I could find nothing offensive in +her singularities; we therefore attempted to make them amusing. We +invented dismal cases of calamity, and indited piteous appeals to her +charity, making her often trudge miles over the snow in search of +fictitious objects of compassion; that we might laugh at the credulity +which was never deaf to the cry of want, and at the principle which +refused to give without enquiry. We hid her prayer-book; purloined her +hoards of baby linen and worsted stockings; and pasted caricatures on +the inside of her pew in church.</p> + +<p>Much of the zest of these excellent jokes was destroyed by the calm +temper and perverse simplicity of Miss Mortimer. If by chance she was +betrayed into situations really ludicrous, nobody laughed with more +hearty relish than she. Even on the more annoying of these practical +jests, she smiled with good-natured contempt; never, even by the +slightest glance, directing to Miss Arnold or myself the pity which she +expressed for the folly of the contriver. We could never perceive that +she suspected us of being her persecutors; and her simplicity, whether +real or affected, compelled us to a caution and respect which we would +have renounced had we been openly detected. Our jokes, however, such as +they were, we carried on with no small industry and perseverance; every +day producing some invention more remarkable for mischief than for wit. +At last the tragical issue of one of our frolics inclined me to a +suspension of hostilities; and had it not been for the superior firmness +of my friend Miss Arnold, I believe I should have finally laid down my +arms.</p> + +<p>We were invited one day to dine with a neighbouring gentleman, a +widower; whose family of dissipated boys and giddy girls were the chosen +associates of Miss Arnold and myself. My father was otherwise engaged, +and could not go; but Miss Mortimer accepted the invitation, very little +to the satisfaction of the junior members of the party, who had +projected a plan for the evening, with which her presence was likely to +interfere. Miss Arnold and I, therefore, exerted all our ingenuity to +keep her at home. We spilt a dish of tea upon her best silk gown; we +pressed her to eat pine-apple in hopes of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> exasperating her toothach; +and we related to her a horrible robbery and murder which had been +committed only the night before, in the very lane through which we were +to pass. These and many other contrivances proved ineffectual. As Miss +Mortimer could not wear her best gown, she could go in a worse; she +would not eat pine-apple; and she insisted that those who had committed +the murder only the night before must be bloody-minded indeed if they +were ready to commit another. Next I bribed the coachman to say that the +barouche could not stir till it was repaired; but my father, who, on +this occasion, seemed as determined as Miss Mortimer, insisting that we +should go under her auspices or not go at all, settled that Miss Arnold +should ride, while I drove Miss Mortimer in the curricle.</p> + +<p>Highly displeased with this decision, I resolved that Miss Mortimer, +whose forte certainly was not strength of nerve, should rue the mettle +of her charioteer. With this good-natured purpose, I privately arranged +that a race should be run between my steeds, and those which were +mounted by Miss Arnold, and one of the fry which had already begun to +swarm round the rich Miss Percy. We set off quietly enough, but we were +no sooner out of sight of my father's windows, than the signal was +given, and away we flew with the speed of lightning. I saw poor Miss +Mortimer look aghast, though she betrayed no other sign of fear, and I +had a malicious triumph in the thoughts of compelling her to sue for +quarter.</p> + +<p>'Is it not better, my dear,' said she at last, 'to drive a little more +deliberately? The road is narrow here, and if we were to run over some +poor creature, I know you would never forgive yourself.'</p> + +<p>There was such irresistible mildness in the manner of this +expostulation, that I could not disregard it; and I was checking my +horses at the moment, when my beau, who had fallen behind, suddenly +passed me. He gave them a triumphant smack with his whip, and the +high-mettled animals sprang forward with a vigour that baffled my +opposition: At this moment a decent-looking woman, in standing aside to +let me pass, unfortunately threw herself into the line of his course; +and I felt the horror which I deserved to feel, when my companions, each +bounding over her, left her lying senseless within a step of the +destruction which I had lost the power to avert.</p> + +<p>From the guilt of murder I was saved by the fortitude of a stranger. He +boldly seized the rein; and, with British strength of arm turning the +horses short round, they reared, backed, and in an instant overturned +the carriage. The stranger, alarmed by this consequence<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> of his +interference, hastened to extricate Miss Mortimer and myself; while our +jockeys, too intent on the race to look back, were already out of sight.</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer looked pale as death, and trembled exceedingly; yet the +moment she was at liberty she flew to the poor woman, whom the stranger +raised from the ground. They chafed her temples, and administered every +little remedy which they could command, while I stood gazing on her in +inactive alarm. At length she opened her eyes; and so heavy a weight was +lifted from my heart, that I could not refrain from bursting into tears; +but unwilling to exhibit these marks of a reproving conscience, I turned +proudly away.</p> + +<p>It soon appeared that the woman was not materially hurt,—the horses, +more sagacious and humane than their riders, having cleared without +striking her. Her cottage was not fifty yards distant from the spot, and +Miss Mortimer, with the stranger, conducted her home; whilst I stood +biting my glove, and affecting to superintend the people who were +raising our overturned vehicle. The charitable pair soon returned. +Neither of us being inclined to mount the curricle again, Miss Mortimer +proposed that we should walk home, and send an apology to our party. But +dreading that the temptation of an evening's <i>tête-à-tête</i> might draw +something like a lecture from Miss Mortimer, I determined to accomplish +my visit; and she consented that we should proceed on foot, giving, at +the same time, permission to her companion to attend us.</p> + +<p>I felt a sullen disinclination to talk, and therefore had full leisure +to examine the stranger, whom Miss Mortimer introduced to me by the name +of Maitland, adding that he was her old acquaintance. He was a tall, +erect man, of a figure more athletic than graceful. His features were +tolerably regular, and his eyes the brightest I have ever seen; but he +was deprived of his <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'pretentions'">pretensions</ins> to be called handsome, by a certain +<i>bony</i> squareness of countenance, which we on the south side of the +Tweed are accustomed to account a national deformity. His smile was +uncommonly pleasing, either from its contrast with the ordinary cast of +his countenance, or because it displayed the whitest and most regular +teeth in the world; but he smiled so seldom as almost to forfeit these +advantages. His accent was certainly provincial; yet I believe that, +without the assistance of his name, I could not decidedly have +pronounced him to be a Scotchman. His language, however, was that of a +gentleman; always correct, often forcible, and sometimes elegant. But he +spoke little, and his conversation borrowed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> neither strength nor grace +from his manner, which was singularly calm, motionless, and +unimpassioned.</p> + +<p>Either from habitual reserve with strangers, or from particular +disapprobation of me, he addressed himself almost entirely to Miss +Mortimer, paying me no other attentions than bare civility required; and +I, who had already begun to expect far other devoirs, from every man who +accosted me, rejoiced when the conclusion of our walk separated us from +the presumptuous being who had dared to treat me as a secondary person.</p> + +<p>As soon as we entered Mr Vancouver's house, my young companions +surrounded me, laughing and hallooing,—'Beaten, beaten,—fairly +beaten!' The victors pressed forward before the rest. 'Down with your +five guineas, Ellen,' cried Miss Arnold.—'Oh! faith 'twas a hollow +thing!' shouted the other. Real sorrow for my fault would have made me +gentle to those of my fellow-transgressors; but the shame of a proud +heart had a contrary effect.—'Take your five guineas,' said I, throwing +them my purse with great disdain, 'and you had better help yourself to a +little more—<i>that</i> will scarcely repay the risk of being tried for +murder.' My ill-humour effected an instantaneous change on the +countenances of the group. Miss Arnold, quite crest-fallen, picked up +the purse, and stood twisting it in her hand, looking very silly, while +she tried to excuse herself, and to throw all the blame upon her +companion. He retorted, and their mutual recriminations were +occasionally renewed during the afternoon; banishing whatever good +humour had been spared by the disappointment which Miss Mortimer had +undesignedly occasioned. At last, to our mutual satisfaction, the party +separated; and Miss Mortimer, with her hopeful charge, returned home.</p> + +<p>Never, during the whole day, did a syllable of reproof escape the lips +of Miss Mortimer. She seemed willing to leave me to my conscience, and +confident that its sentence would be just. But when, on retiring for the +night, I could not help exclaiming, 'Thank heaven! this day is +done!'—she took my hand, and said, with a look of great kindness, 'Let +me dispose of one hour of your time to-morrow, dear Ellen, and I will +endeavour to make it pass more agreeably.' I felt no real gratitude for +her forbearance, because I had argued myself, with Miss Arnold's +assistance, into a conviction that Miss Mortimer had no right to +interfere; but I could not withstand the soothing gentleness of her +manner, and therefore promised that I should be at her command at any +hour she pleased.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> + +<p>Next day, therefore, while Miss Arnold was shopping in town, I became +the companion of Miss Mortimer's morning walk; but I own, I began to +repent of my complaisance, when I perceived that she was conducting me +to the cottage of the poor woman who had so nearly been the victim of my +late frolic. 'Is this,' thought I, 'the way that Miss Elizabeth fulfils +her promise of making the hour pass agreeably? Such a finesse might do +mighty well for a methodist; but what would she have said, had I been +the author of it? It is wonderfully delightful to detect the errors of a +saint. On first discovering our destination, my feelings had wavered +between shame and anger; but the detection of Miss Mortimer's supposed +peccadillo restored me to so much self-complacency, that I was able at +least to conceal my reluctance, and entered the cottage with a pretty +good grace.</p> + +<p>The apartment was clean and comfortable. The furniture, though simple, +was rather more abundant and more tasteful than is common in the abodes +of labour. Two neat shelves on the wall contained a few books; and in +the window stood a tambouring frame. On one side of the fire-place our +old woman was busy at her spinning-wheel; on the other, in all the ease +of a favourite, lay a beautiful Italian greyhound. Miss Mortimer, with +the frankness of old acquaintance, accosted our hostess, who received +her with respectful kindness. While they were asking and answering +questions of courtesy and good-will, the dog, who had started up on our +entrance, did the honours to me. He looked up in my face, smelled my +clothes, examined me again, and, wagging his tail, seemed to claim +acquaintance. I, too, thought I remembered the animal, though I could +not recollect where I had seen him; and I own, I was glad to relieve a +certain embarrassment which the old woman's presence occasioned me, by +returning his caresses with interest.</p> + +<p>'Mrs Wells,' said Miss Mortimer, when she had finished her enquiries, 'I +have brought Miss Percy to visit you.'</p> + +<p>In spite of my affected nonchalance, I was not a little relieved when I +discovered, by the old woman's answer, that she had not recognised me as +the author of her accident. 'Miss Ellen!' she exclaimed, as if with +surprise and pleasure. Then taking my hand with a sort of obsequious +affection, she said, 'Dear young lady, I should never have known you +again, you are so grown! and I have never seen you since I lost my best +friend,' added she, shaking her head mournfully. 'Poor Fido,' resumed +she, 'he has more sagacity. He knew you again in a minute.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Fido, mamma's Fido!' cried I, and I stooped over the animal to hide the +tears that were rushing to my eyes.</p> + +<p>'Yes, miss, your papa sent him here, because he said he did not like to +have him killed, being that he was but a young thing, and the very last +thing that worthy Mrs Percy had ever taken a liking to; and he could not +keep him about the house, because you never set eyes on him but you +cried fit to break your heart. So he sent him here, where he was very +welcome, as he had a good right to be, having belonged to her; for it +was owing to her that I had a home to bring him to.'</p> + +<p>'How was that?' enquired I, with some eagerness; for, to this day, my +heart beats warm when I hear the praises of my mother.</p> + +<p>'Why, ma'am,' returned she, 'my husband was a sober, industrious man, +but we were unfortunate in working for great people, who never thought +of our wants, because they had no wants of their own. So we became +bankrupt, and that went to my husband's heart; for he had a high spirit. +So he pined and pined away. I sold our little furniture, and then our +clothes; and paid for all honestly, as far as it would go. But what with +the doctors and what with the funeral, my two poor little girls and I +were quite destitute. I believe it was the second night after my Thomas +was laid in his grave, that my youngest girl was crying for bread, and I +had none to give her. I saw the eldest cry too; but she said it was not +for hunger. So, with one thing and another, I was desperate, and told +the children I would go and beg for them. The little one bid me go, for +she was hungry; but Sally said I should never beg for her, and followed +me to the door, holding me back, and crying bitterly. So, just then, +Providence sent that good spirit, Mrs Percy, by our house, and she +looked so earnestly at us—for it was not in her nature to see any +creature in sorrow, and pass by on the other side:—I thought I could +take courage to speak to her; but, when I tried it, I had not the heart; +for I had never begged before. But when she saw how things were, I did +not need to beg; for she had the heart of a Christian, and the hand of a +princess. She put us into this house, and gave us whatever was really +needful for us. I was a good worker with my needle then, though my eyes +are failing me now; and she got me as much work as I could overtake. She +came, besides, every forenoon herself, and taught my eldest girl to make +gowns, and my youngest to tambour, so that now they can earn their own +bread, and the most part of mine. Yes, Miss Ellen,' continued the woman, +perceiving that she had fixed my pleased attention, 'your worthy mother +did more than this; she brought heavenly hopes to me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> when I had few +hopes upon earth; she gave pious counsels to my children, and they +minded them the more for coming from so great a lady; so that they are +good girls, and a real comfort to my old age.'</p> + +<p>After some further conversation, Miss Mortimer put an end to our visit. +I own I was somewhat struck with the contrast between the cottager's +obligations to my mother and to myself; and I had a desire to place this +matter on a footing less painful to my feelings, or, to speak more +justly, less galling to my pride. For this reason, when we had gone a +few steps from the cottage, I returned, pretending that I had forgotten +my handkerchief. 'Mrs Wells,' said I, 'I have a great desire to possess +Fido,—will you make an exchange with me?' continued I, presenting my +purse to her.</p> + +<p>The good woman coloured deeply; and, drawing back with a little air of +stateliness, said, 'You are welcome to poor Fido, ma'am. Indeed, as for +that, your mother's child is welcome to the best I have; but I cannot +think of selling the poor dumb animal. No,' said she, her spirit +struggling with the sob that was rising in her throat, 'I shall be +poorly off indeed, before I sell the least thing that ever was hers.'</p> + +<p>I own, I felt myself colour in my turn, as I awkwardly withdrew my +purse; and I had not the confidence to look the woman in the face, while +I said, 'Give me poor Fido, then, for my mother's sake; and perhaps the +time may come when you will allow me the pleasure of assisting you for +my own.'</p> + +<p>'One of the girls, ma'am, shall take him to the Park this evening. I +know Miss Mortimer wished to have him, but you have the best right to +him; and I hope you will make him be kindly treated, ma'am; he is used +to kindness.'</p> + +<p>I thanked the good woman, promised attention to her favourite, and +hurried away. Fido arrived at the Park that afternoon, and soon became +the most formidable rival of Miss Arnold; nor unjustly, for he was +playful, fawning, and seemingly affectionate,—the very qualities to +which she owed my favour.</p> + +<p>'See, my dear Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, when I rejoined her, 'see how +your mother's mornings were spent.' Had any one but my mother furnished +the subject of this apostrophe; or had my friend Miss Arnold been +present to witness its application, I should certainly have turned it +off, by ridiculing the absurdity of a handsome woman of fashion spending +her time in teaching cottage girls mantua-making and morality. But now, +tenderness stealing on my self-reproach, I only answered with a sigh, +'Ah! my mother was an angel; I must not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span> pretend to resemble her.'</p> + +<p>'My dearest child!' cried Miss Mortimer, catching my hand with more +animation than she had ever shown in speaking to me, 'why this ill-timed +humility? Born to such splendid advantages, why should you not aspire to +make your life a practical thanksgiving to the bestower? I acknowledge, +that your own strength is not "sufficient for these things," but He who +has called you to be perfect, will——'</p> + +<p>'Oh! pray now, my good Miss Mortimer,' interrupted I, 'give over for +to-day,—I am more than half melancholy already. Ten or a dozen years +hence, I shall attend to all these matters.'</p> + +<p>Before my reader comment on the wisdom of this reply, let him examine, +whether there be any more weight in the reasons which delay his own +endeavours after Christian perfection.</p> + +<p>Our dialogue was interrupted by the appearance of Mr Maitland, who +alighted at the wicket of the cottage garden, with the intention of +enquiring after the widow; but, upon hearing that she felt no bad +effects from her accident, he gave his horse to his servant, and +accompanied us, or rather Miss Mortimer, to the Park. A few civil +enquiries were indeed, the only notice which he deigned to bestow upon +me; and, to own the truth, I was not at all more gracious to him.</p> + +<p>At the door of Sedly Park, stood my father as usual with one arm resting +in the hollow of his back, the other supported by his gold-headed cane; +and he not only discomposed this favourite attitude by offering his hand +to Mr Maitland, but advanced some steps to meet him, a mark of regard +which I do not recollect having seen him bestow on any other visiter. He +followed up this courtesy, by pressing his guest to dine with him, and +Mr Maitland was at length induced to comply; while I stood wondering +what my father could mean, by expending so much civility upon a person +of whom nobody had ever heard before.</p> + +<p>I cannot pretend to have made any observations upon Mr Maitland's +manners or conversation during this visit, having previously convinced +myself, that neither was worth observing. After dinner, while he +discoursed with my father and Miss Mortimer, I, agreeably to the polite +practice of many young ladies, formed, apart with Miss Arnold and the +young Vancouvers, a coterie which, if not the most entertaining, was at +least the most noisy part of the company; the sound and form holding due +proportion to the shallowness. My father made some ineffectual attempts +to reduce us to order; and Miss Mortimer endeavoured to dissolve our +combination,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> by addressing her remarks to me; but I, scarcely answering +her, continued to talk and titter apart with my companions till it was +time for our visiters to depart.</p> + +<p>As soon as they were gone, my father strode gravely to the upper end of +the room, planted himself firmly with his back to the fire, and, +knitting his brows, addressed me as I stood at the further +window;—'Miss Percy,' said he 'I do not approve of your behaviour this +afternoon. I have placed you at the head of a splendid establishment, +and I desire you will consider it as your duty to entertain my +guests,—all my guests, Miss Percy.'</p> + +<p>A few moments of dead silence followed, and my father quitted the room.</p> + +<p>Had this well-deserved reproof been given in private, I might have +acknowledged its justice, but Miss Mortimer and my friend were present +to stimulate my abhorrence of blame; and, as soon as my father +disappeared, I began a surly complaint of his ill humour, wondering +'whether he expected me to sit starched by the side of every tiresome +old fellow he brought to his house, like the wooden cuts of William and +Mary.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold joined me in ridiculing the absurdity of such an +expectation; but Miss Mortimer took part with my father. 'Indeed, my +dear,' said she, 'you must allow me to say, that Mr Percy's guests, of +whatever age, have an equal right to your attentions. I particularly +wish you had distributed them more impartially to-day; for I would have +had you appear with advantage to Mr Maitland, whom I imagine you would +not have found tiresome and who is certainly not very old.'</p> + +<p>'Appear with advantage to Mr Maitland!' exclaimed I:—'oh! now the +murder is out. My father and Miss Mortimer want me to make a conquest of +Stiffy.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold laughed immoderately at the idea. 'You make a conquest of Mr +Maitland!' repeated Miss Mortimer in her turn, gazing in my face with +grave simplicity; 'no, my dear, that, indeed, surpasses my expectation. +Mr Maitland!' exclaimed she again, in a sort of smiling soliloquy over +her knitting;—'no, that would indeed be too absurd.'</p> + +<p>I own my pride was piqued by this opinion of Miss Mortimer's; and I felt +some inclination to convince her, that there was no such violent +absurdity in expecting that a stiff old bachelor should be caught by a +handsome heiress of seventeen. I half determined to institute a +flirtation.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> + +<p>The idea was too amusing to be abandoned, and Mr Maitland soon gave me +an opportunity of commencing my operations. He again visited Sedly Park; +and, in spite of several repulses, I contrived to draw him into +conversation; and even succeeded in obtaining my full share of his +attention. But when he rose to be gone, I recollected with surprise, +that I had spent half an hour without talking much nonsense, or hearing +any. Our second interview was not more effective. At the end of the +third I renounced my attack as utterly hopeless; and should as soon have +thought of shaping a dangler out of Cincinnatus. Mr Maitland's heart, +too, seemed as impregnable as his dignity; and I was glad to forget that +I had ever formed so desperate a project as an attempt upon either.</p> + +<p>Our acquaintance, however, continued to make some progress; and if at +any luckless hour I happened to be deserted by more animating +companions, I could pass the time very tolerably with Mr Maitland. I +believe he was a scholar, and to this perhaps he owed that force and +variety of language which was often amusing, independently of the +sentiment which it conveyed. He possessed, besides, a certain dry +sententious humour, of which the effect was heightened by the inflexible +gravity of his countenance, and by the low tones of a voice altogether +unambitious of emphasis. His stiffness, which was too gentle for +hauteur, and too self-possessed for bashfulness, was a constitutional or +rather, perhaps, a national reserve; which made some amends for its +repulsive effect upon strangers, by gratifying the vanity of those who +were able to overcome it. I own that I was selfish enough to be +flattered by the distinction which he appeared to make between Miss +Arnold and myself; the more so, because there was, I know not what, in +Mr Maitland, which impressed me with the idea of a sturdy rectitude that +bowed to no extrinsic advantage. This gratification, however, was +balanced by the preference which he constantly showed for Miss Mortimer; +and such was my craving for adulation, that I was at times absolutely +nettled by this preference, although Mr Maitland was some years above +thirty.</p> + +<p>Towards the end of our stay at Sedly Park, his visits became more +frequent; but in spite of his company, and that of many other gentlemen +more agreeable to me, I was dying with impatience for our removal to +town. My eagerness increased, when I accidentally heard, that Lady Maria +de Burgh had already started as the reigning beauty of the winter. When +this intelligence was conveyed to me, I was standing opposite to a large +mirror. I glanced towards it, recalled with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> some contempt the miniature +charms of my fairy competitor, and sprung away to entreat that my father +would immediately remove to town. But my father had already fixed the +fourteenth of January for his removal; and Miss Arnold alleged, that +nothing short of a fire would have hastened his departure, or reduced +him to the degradation of acquainting the family that he had changed his +mind.</p> + +<p>The fourteenth of January, however, at length arrived, and I was +permitted to enter the scene of my imaginary triumphs. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Next in the daunce followit invy,<br /> +Fild full of feid and fellony,<br /> +Hid malice and dispyte.<br /> +For pryvie haterit that traitour trymlit;<br /> +Him followit mony freik dissymlit,<br /> +With fenyeit wordes quhyte;<br /> +And flattereris into menis facis,<br /> +And back-bytaris in secreit placis,<br /> +To ley that had delyte;<br /> +With rownaris of fals lesingis;<br /> +Allace! that courtis of noble kingis,<br /> +Of thame can nevir be quyte.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Dunbar (Daunce.)<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>The Countess of ——'s ball was fixed upon as the occasion of my first +appearance. What meditation did it not cost me, to decide upon the style +of my costume for that eventful evening! How did my preference fluctuate +between the gorgeous and the simple, the airy and the magnificent! The +balance was cast in favour of the latter, by the possession of my +mother's jewels; which my father ordered to be reset for me, with superb +additions. 'He could afford it,' he said, 'as well as Lady —— or any +of her company, and he saw no reason why I should not be as fine as the +proudest of them.' My heart bounded with delight, when I at last saw the +brilliants flash in my dark hair, mark the contour of my neck, and +circle a waist slender as the form of a sylph. All that flattery had +told, and vanity believed, seemed now to gain confirmation; yet, still +some doubts allayed my self-conceit, till it received its consummation +from the cold, the stately Mr Maitland.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> I overheard Miss Arnold whisper +to him, as I entered the drawing-room where he and a large party were +waiting to escort me, 'look what lovely diamonds Mr Percy has given +Ellen.'—'They would have been better bestowed elsewhere,' returned Mr +Maitland; 'nobody that looks at Miss Percy will observe them.'</p> + +<p>Though certain that this compliment was not meant for my ear, I had the +hardihood to acknowledge it, by saying, 'Thank you, sir; I shall put +that into my memorandum-book, and preserve it like a Queen Anne's +farthing, not much worth in itself, but precious, because she never made +but one.'</p> + +<p>'The farthing was never meant for circulation,' returned he dryly; 'but +it unluckily fell into the hands of a child, who could not keep it to +herself.'</p> + +<p>The word 'child' was particularly offensive on this first night of my +womanhood; and, in the intoxication of my spirits, I should have made +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'some some'">some</ins> very impertinent rejoinder, if I had not been prevented by Miss +Mortimer. 'What, Ellen!' said she, 'quarrelling with Mr Maitland for +compliments! Is it not enough to satisfy you, that he who is so seldom +seen in places of that sort accompanies you to the ball to-night?'</p> + +<p>'Oh! pray,' returned I, 'since Mr Maitland has so few <i><ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'bienseances'">bienséances</ins></i> to +spare, allow him to dispose of them as he pleases. His attendance +to-night is meant as a compliment to my father.'</p> + +<p>'Do not make me pay a whole evening's comfort for what is only a +farthing's worth, you know,' said Maitland good-humouredly; 'but leave +off trying to be disagreeable and witty. Nay, do not frown now; your +face will not have time to recover itself. I see the carriage is at the +door.'</p> + +<p>I did not wait for a second intimation, but bounded down stairs, and I +was already seated in the barouche, with Miss Arnold before my +deliberate beau made his appearance. I was too full of expectation to +talk; and we had proceeded for some time in silence, when I was awakened +from a dream of triumph by Mr Maitland's saying, and, as I thought, with +a sigh, 'What a pleasing woman is Miss Mortimer! That feminine +simplicity and sweetness make the merest commonplace delightful!'</p> + +<p>I suppose it was my vanity grasping at a monopoly of praise which made +me feel myself teazed by this encomium; and I pettishly answered, 'That +it was a pity Miss Mortimer did not hear this compliment, for she might +keep it to herself, since she at least was no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> <i>child</i>.'</p> + +<p>'Within these few years,' said Mr Maitland, 'she was a very enchanting +woman.'</p> + +<p>'Indeed!' exclaimed I, more and more out of humour at the unusual warmth +of his expressions, 'Miss Mortimer has no wit, and she has never been +pretty.'</p> + +<p>'True,' returned Mr Maitland, 'but I dislike wits. I am not even fond of +beauties. It is in bad taste for a woman to "flash on the startled eye." +Miss Mortimer did not burst on us like a meteor,—she stole on us like +the dawn, cheering and delightful, not dazzling.'</p> + +<p>This speech seemed so manifest an attack upon me who dealt with a +certain fearless repartee that passed for wit, and who was already a +beauty by profession, that my eyes filled with tears of mortification. +Of what use is beauty, thought I, if it be thus despised by men of +sense, and draw the gaze only of silly boys? Yet men of sense have felt +its power; and when people have, like Mr Maitland, outlived human +feelings, they should leave the world, and not stay to damp the +pleasures of the young and the happy.</p> + +<p>The next moment, however, sparkling eyes and skins of alabaster +recovered their full value in my estimation, when, as we pressed into +Lady ——'s crowded rooms, a hundred whispers met my ear of +'Lovely!'—'Charming!' and 'Devilish handsome!' My buoyant spirits rose +again, and I looked up to take a triumphant survey of my admirers. Yet, +when I met the universal gaze which was attracted by the splendour of my +dress, or the novelty of my appearance, nature for a moment stirred in +me; and though I had indignantly turned from Mr Maitland, and accepted +the devoirs of a more obsequious attendant, I now instinctively caught +his arm, and shrunk awkwardly behind him.</p> + +<p>I quickly, however, recovered my self-possession, and began to enjoy the +gaiety of the scene. Not so my companion; who seemed miserably out of +place at a ball, and whose manner appeared even more grave and repulsive +than usual. I shall never forget the solemn abstracted air with which he +sat silently gazing on a chandelier; and then suddenly interrupting my +conversation with a half a dozen beaux, resumed the discussion of a +plan, to which I had listened with interest a few days before, for +bettering the condition of the negroes upon his plantations. But my +attention was at once withdrawn from his discourse, and from the titter +which it occasioned, when a sudden movement opening the circle which +surrounded me, gave to my view<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> the figure of Lady Maria de Burgh.</p> + +<p>Never had she looked so lovely. Her Ariel-like form was flying through +the dance; her blue eyes sparkling with pleasure; exercise flushing her +snowy skin with the hues of life and health. I observed the graceful +fall of her white drapery, the unadorned braids of her sunny hair, and +distrusted the taste which had loaded me with ornament.</p> + +<p>The dance ended; and Lady Maria was going to throw herself upon a seat, +when it was suddenly taken possession of by a young man, who withdrew my +attention even from Lady Maria. The easy rudeness of this action, his +dress, his manner, his whole air, announced him to be of the first +fashion. He languidly extended a limb of the most perfect symmetry, +viewed it attentively in every direction, drew his fingers through his +elegantly dishevelled hair; then, composing himself into an attitude of +rest, began to examine the company, through an eye-glass set with +brilliants. Lady Maria having, with some difficulty, wedged herself into +a place by his side, was beginning to address him, but he turned from +her with the most fashionable yawn imaginable. Presently his eyes were +directed, or rather fell upon me; and I felt myself inclined to excuse +the plebeian vivacity, with which he instantly pointed me out to his +fair companion, seeming to enquire who I was. Her Ladyship looked, and a +toss of her head seemed to indicate that her reply was not very +favourable. An altercation then appeared to ensue; for the gentleman +rising offered the lady his hand, as if to lead her forward; the lady +frowned, pouted, flounced, and at last, with a very cloudy aspect, rose +and suffered him to conduct her towards me. Scarcely relaxing her pretty +features, she addressed me with a few words of very stately recognition; +introduced me to her brother, Lord Frederick de Burgh; and then turned +away. Miss Arnold claimed her acquaintance by a humble courtesy. Her +Ladyship, looking her full in the face, passed, 'and gave no sign.' I +was instantly possessed with the spirit of patronage; and though I had +before forgotten that Miss Arnold was in the room, I now gave her my +arm, and all the attention which I could spare from Lord Frederick de +Burgh.</p> + +<p>For a man of fashion, Lord Frederick was tolerably amusing. He knew the +name, and a little of the private history, of every person in the room. +He flattered with considerable industry; and it was not difficult to +flatter him in return. He asked me to dance. I was engaged for the three +next dances; but disappointed one of my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> partners that I might sit with +Lord Frederick. His Lordship next proposed that I should <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'waltze'">waltz</ins> with him. +So much native feeling yet remained in me that I shrunk from making such +an exhibition, and at first positively refused; but, happening to +observe that Lady Maria was watching, with an eye of jealous +displeasure, her brother's attentions to me, I could not resist the +temptation of provoking her, by exhibiting these attentions to the whole +assembly; and therefore consented to dance the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'waltze'">waltz</ins>.</p> + +<p>I own that I bitterly repented this compliance when I found myself +standing with Lord Frederick alone, in the midst of the circle which was +instantly formed round us. I forgot even the possibility of the +admiration of which I had before been so secure. My knees knocked +together, and a mist swam before my eyes. But there was now no retreat, +and the dance began. My feelings of disquiet, however, did not rise to +their height till, towards the close of the dance, I met the eye of Mr +Maitland fixed on me in stern disapprobation. I have never yet met with +any person whose displeasure was so disagreeably awful as that of Mr +Maitland. At that moment it was more than I could bear. Hastily +concluding the dance, I darted through the crowd of spectators, +regardless of their praise or censure; and, faint and unhappy, I sunk +upon a seat.</p> + +<p>I was instantly surrounded by persons who offered me every sort of +assistance and refreshment. Lord Frederick was particularly assiduous. +But I owed the recovery of my spirits chiefly to the sarcastic smile +with which I was eyed by Lady Maria de Burgh, whom I overheard say, with +a scornful glance at the gentlemen who crowded round me, 'Really the +trick takes admirably!' Mr Maitland now making his way towards me, said +very coldly, 'Miss Percy, if you are inclined to go home, I shall attend +you.' I was provoked at his unconcern for an uneasiness of which he had +been the chief cause; and carelessly answering that I should not go home +for an hour or two, accepted Lord Frederick's arm, and sauntered round +the room.</p> + +<p>During the rest of the evening, I paid no further attention to my +father's friend. Once or twice I thought of him, and with an indistinct +feeling of self-reproach; but I was occupied with the assiduities of my +new admirer, and had no leisure to consider of propriety. I saw, too, or +fancied that I saw, Lady Maria make some attempts to detach her brother +from me, and I had therefore double enjoyment in detaining him by my +side. Though she affected indifference, I could easily see that she +continued to watch us; and as often as I perceived her eye<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> turned +towards us, I laughed, flirted, and redoubled the demonstrations of our +mutual good understanding. About five in the morning the party +separated; and I, more worn out by the affectation, than exhilarated by +the reality of merriment, returned home. Lord Frederick attended me to +my carriage; and Mr Maitland having handed in Miss Arnold, bowed without +speaking, and retired.</p> + +<p>Some very excellent and judicious persons maintain a custom of calling +to mind every night the transactions of the day; but even if the habit +of self-examination had at all entered into my system, this was +manifestly no season for its exercise. Completely exhausted, I dropped +asleep even while my poor weary maid was undressing me; and closed a day +of folly, pride, and enmity, without one serious, one repentant thought.</p> + +<p>But why do I particularise one day? My whole course of life was aptly +described in a short dialogue with Mr Maitland. 'Miss Percy,' said he, +'I hope you are not the worse for the fatigues of last night.'—'Not in +the least, sir.'—'Well, then, are you any thing the better for them? Do +you look back on your amusement with pleasure?'—'No, I must confess, I +do not. Besides, I have not leisure to look back, I am so busily looking +forward to this evening's opera.'</p> + +<p>Mr Maitland, sighing from the very bottom of his heart, gave me a look +which said, as intelligibly as a look could speak, 'Unfortunate, +misguided girl!' We were alone; and I was half inclined to bid him give +utterance to his sentiments, and tell me all the follies which, in his +secret soul, he ascribed to me. Pride was struggling with my respect for +his opinion, when Lord Frederick de Burgh was admitted; and the voice of +candour, and of common sense, was never again allowed to mingle discord +with the sounds of the 'harp and the viol.'</p> + +<p>I had entered the throng who were in chase of pleasure, and I was not +formed for a languid pursuit. It became the employment of every day, of +every hour. My mornings were spent at auctions, exhibitions, and +milliners' shops; my evenings wherever fashionable folly held her court. +Miss Mortimer attempted gently to stem the torrent. She endeavoured to +remove my temptation to seek amusement abroad, by providing it for me at +home; but I had drunk of the inebriating cup, and the temperate draught +was become tasteless to me. She tried to convince my reason; but reason +was in a deep sleep, and stirred no further than to repulse the hand +which would have roused. She attempted to persuade me; and I, to escape +the subject, told her, that when I had fulfilled the engagements which +were to occupy every<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> moment of my time for the six succeeding weeks, I +would, on some rainy Sunday, stay at home all day, and patiently swallow +my whole dose of lecture at a sitting. I look back with astonishment +upon her patient endurance of my impertinences. But she saw my follies +with the pity of a superior nature; aware, indeed, of the tremendous +difference between her state and mine, yet remembering who it was that +had 'made her to differ.'</p> + +<p>Finding her own efforts fruitless, she endeavoured to obtain my father's +interposition. But my father considered all human kind as divided into +two classes, those who were to labour for riches, and those who were to +enjoy them; and he saw no reason for restricting me in the use of any +pleasure for which I could afford to pay. Besides, he secretly regarded +with some contempt the confined notions of Miss Mortimer, and was not +without his share of elation in the triumphs which I won. He delighted +to read, in the Morning Chronicle, that at Lady G——'s ball, the +brilliancy of Miss Percy's jewels had never been surpassed, save by the +eyes of the lovely wearer. He chuckled over the paragraph which +announced my approaching nuptials with the young Duke of ——, although +he, at the same time, declared with an oath, that 'he would take care +how he gave his daughter and his money to a fellow who might be ashamed +of his <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'father-in-aw'">father-in-law</ins>.' Indeed he took great pleasure in bringing my +suitors, especially those of noble birth, to the point of explicit +proposal, and then overwhelming them with a tremendous preponderance of +settlement. He rejected, in this way, some unexceptionable offers; for +my splendid prospects outweighed all my folly and extravagance. I left +these matters entirely to his arrangement, for I had neither wish nor +love that did not centre in amusement. I sometimes wondered, however, +what were his intentions in regard of me, and more than half suspected +that they pointed towards Mr Maitland; but I never recollected Mr +Maitland's manner towards me, without laughing at the absurdity of such +a scheme.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, along with a few sober suitors, I attracted danglers +innumerable; for I was the fashion; admired by fashionable men; envied +by fashionable women; and, of course, raved of by their humbler mimics +of both sexes. Each had his passing hour of influence, but the lord of +the ascendant was Lord Frederick de Burgh. He was handsome, showy, +extravagant, and even more the fashion than myself. He danced well, +drove four-in-hand, and was a very Œdipus in expounding anagrams and +conundrums. Yet it was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> not to these advantages alone that he owed my +preference. These might have won for him the smiles which he shared with +fifty others; but he was indebted for my peculiar grace to his +relationship with Lady Maria.</p> + +<p>The mutual dislike of this lady and myself had been confirmed by seven +years interchange of impertinences; nor was it in the least degree +mitigated by the new circumstances in which we were placed. The leader +of fashion, for the winter, was nearly related to the De Burgh family, +and she had perhaps a stronger connection with me—she owed my father +12,000<i>l.</i> Thus she naturally became the chaperon, both to Lady Maria +and myself; and we often met in circles where a person of my rank is +usually considered as an intruder. Lady Maria, proud of an ancient +family, resented this intrusion, the more, perhaps, because I trespassed +upon rights, still dearer than the privileges of rank. I, too proud +myself to tolerate pride in another, lost no opportunity of retort; and +my ingenuity in discovering these occasions was probably heightened by +the necessity of improving them with due regard to the rules of +politeness. Our mutual acquaintance, accustomed to witness genteel +indications of hatred, soon learnt to please, by gentle sarcasms against +an absent rival; and we were never without some good-natured friend, who +could hint to each whatever debt she owed to the malice of the other. I +know not how Lady Maria might feel; but I was alternately pleased with +these sacrifices to my malevolence, and mortified by perceiving, that it +was visible to every common observer. I attempted to conceal what I was +ashamed to avow; but the arrogance and irascibility, still more than the +natural openness of my temper, unfitted me for caution; and between the +fear of exposing my rancour, and my eagerness to give it vent,—between +my quick sensibility to civil scorn, and my impatience to repay it in +kind,—I endured more pain than it would have cost me to banish from my +breast every vindictive thought.</p> + +<p>How does one disorderly passion place us at the mercy of every creature +who will use it as a tool to serve his purpose! Even my maid endeavoured +to make her peace after the destruction of a favourite cap, by telling +me that she had quitted Lady Maria's service for mine, because she had +no pleasure in dressing her last lady, who, she said, 'was little bigger +than a doll, and not much wiser.' Miss Arnold, who, in spite of her +obsequious endeavours to please, had one day the misfortune to offend +her capricious patroness, was restored to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> immediate favour, by +informing me, that 'the whole town believed Lady Maria's pretended cold +to be nothing but a fit of vexation, because her father had permitted +Lord Frederick to pay his addresses to me.'</p> + +<p>In spite of the belief of the 'whole town,' however, Lord Frederick was +still nothing more than a dangler; nor had I the slightest desire to +attract his more particular regards. I was even afraid that he should, +by a serious proposal, oblige me to dispense with his future attentions, +and thereby deprive me of the amusement of witnessing the frowns, and +tosses, and fidgetings, with which Lady Maria watched a flirtation +always redoubled when she was near.</p> + +<p>This amusement, indeed, was obtained at the expense of incurring some +animadversion. My competitors for fashion, and of course for the notice +of fashionable men, revenged themselves for my superior success by +sarcastic comments upon my supposed conquest; each obliquely +insinuating, that she might have transferred it to herself, if she could +have descended to such means as I employed. These innuendos, however, +were softened ere they reached my ear, into gentle raillery,—friendly +questions, as to the time when I was to bless Lord Frederick with my +hand,—and tender-hearted expostulations on the cruelty of delay. Miss +G—— would speak to me in the most compassionate terms, of the envy +which my conquest excited in her poor friend Miss L——; and Miss L——, +in her turn, would implore me to marry Lord Frederick, were it only to +put poor Miss G—— out of suspense. That which should have alarmed my +caution, only flattered my vanity. Instead of discountenancing the +attacks of my acquaintance by calm and steady opposition, I invited them +by feeble defence; or at best, parried them with a playfulness which +authorised their repetition. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Here eloquence herself might plead in vain,<br /> +Nor one of all the heartless crowd could gain.<br /> +And thou! O sweeter than the muse's song,<br /> +Affection's voice divine! with cold disdain,<br /> +Even thou art heard; while mid th' insulting throng<br /> +Thy daunted shivering form moves timidly along.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Mrs Tighe.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>Marriage is like sin; if we often allow it to be presented to our view, +we learn to look without starting. I was supremely indifferent towards +Lord Frederick, and never entertained one serious thought of becoming +his wife; but I suffered myself to be rallied upon our future +connection, till the idea excited no distinct sentiment of +disapprobation; and till by degrees I forgot to make up for the +faintness of my denials, by the strength of my inward resolutions +against the match. Perhaps I should describe my case more correctly, +were I to own that I formed no plan for the future; all my serious +consideration being reserved for the comparative merits of satin and +velvet, or of an assembly and an opera. The reputation of Lord +Frederick's attentions gave me much more pleasure than the attentions +themselves; and my companions knew how to flatter me, by reminding me of +his assiduities.</p> + +<p>Of all my remembrancers, the most persevering, if not the most vehement, +was Miss Arnold. She had made her calculations on the increased +importance which rank might give her patroness; and, with her accustomed +shrewdness, chose the means most effectual for promoting her object. She +did not, indeed, like others of my acquaintance, rally me upon marriage; +on the contrary, she rather<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> affected some delicacy upon that subject; +but, in Lord Frederick's absence, she made him her constant theme; and +the moment he approached, she resigned to him her place by my side. As +she had intimate access to my mind, she knew how to accommodate her +attacks to my prevailing sentiments. At first, she confined herself to +chronicling the symptoms of Lady Maria's jealousy and spite; amusing me +with pictures, half mimic, half descriptive, of the ill-concealed malice +of my foe, and instigating me to further irritation. Next, she began to +mingle her register with hints of having observed, that the sport was +becoming a serious one to Lord Frederick. I was at first little inclined +to credit a circumstance which would have added to the impropriety of my +favourite amusement; but when at last Miss Arnold's instances, and my +own exuberant vanity, convinced me of the fact, some remains of justice +and humanity prompted me to a change of conduct.</p> + +<p>'If Lord Frederick has really taken it into his wise head to be in love +with me,' said I to her one day when we were alone, 'I believe, Juliet, +I ought to carry the jest no farther.'</p> + +<p>I spoke with great gravity, for I was half afraid that she must be of my +opinion. She looked steadily in my face, as if to see whether I were in +earnest; and then burst into a hearty fit of laughter.—'Ridiculous!' +cried she: 'what! you expect him to die of it, do you? Really, my dear, +I did not think you had been so romantic.'</p> + +<p>I believe I blushed for appearing to over-rate a passion which my +companion considered as so frivolous; and answered carelessly, 'Oh! I +dare say he'll survive it; but one would not wilfully give uneasiness, +however trivial, you know.'</p> + +<p>'Bagatelle! you, who make a hundred hearts ache every day, to trouble +your conscience about one stray thing! Besides, I'll answer for it, that +the affair upon the whole will give him more pleasure than pain. How +many sighs, such as lordlings breathe, would it require to repay Lord +Frederick for that air of yours, as you turned to him last night from +young Lord Glendower!'</p> + +<p>'Ah! but that pleasure was a free gift, Juliet. I have no right to make +him pay for it; besides, Glendower is such a fool, that it was really a +relief to get rid of him. But, to be serious, I believe I shall effect +my retreat with the better grace, the sooner I begin it.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold was silent for a few moments, apparently pondering the +matter; then, with an air of mature reflection, said, 'Well! perhaps, +upon the whole, you may be right. Your indifference will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> probably cure +Lord Frederick; besides, it will be a double charity,—it will be such a +relief to Lady Maria, poor girl! I confess, Ellen, I am often sorry for +her. Did you observe what a passion she was in last night when Lord +Frederick would not quit you to dance with Lady Augusta Loftus?'</p> + +<p>'It was provoking to see one's brother show so little taste,' answered +I, pulling myself up, and trying to suppress a simper. 'I should have +thought I had no chance with Lady Augusta.'</p> + +<p>'Not, indeed,' returned Miss Arnold, with a contemptuous smile, 'if +every one judged like Lady Maria de Burgh; and estimated a woman, like a +carrot, by the length of root she had under ground! Oh! what a passion +she will be in when Lord Frederick makes his proposals, and is refused!'</p> + +<p>'But if I go much farther, Juliet, how can I refuse him? I can't tell +the man that I have been drawing him on merely for the purpose of +teasing his sister.'</p> + +<p>'Well,' returned Miss Arnold, 'after all, I believe you are right; so +just do as you please. Your father, to be sure, might easily manage that +matter,—but do as you please.'</p> + +<p>She knew that she might safely intrust me with this permission; secure +that, even if my resolutions were good, they would be ineffective. To +shake off the attentions of a man who has once been encouraged, requires +more firmness than usually falls to the lot of woman. Besides, Lord +Frederick had habit in his favour; and, with those who are neither +guided by reason nor principle, habit is omnipotent. Pride, too, refused +to resign the only means of repaying Lady Maria's scorn; and, in spite +of the momentary checks of conscience, the flirtation proceeded just as +before.</p> + +<p>While my soi-disant friend encouraged my follies, no Mentor was at hand +to repress them. My father, mingling little in the circles which I +frequented, was ignorant of the encouragement which I gave to Lord +Frederick. Miss Mortimer, ill calculated to arrest the notice of the gay +and the giddy, was almost excluded from the endless invitations which +were addressed to me. The public amusements, which consumed so much of +my time, were unsuitable to her habits, to her principles, and to the +delicacy of her health. Thus she was seldom the witness of my +indiscretions. There is, indeed, no want of people who serve all +scandalous tales as the monasteries were wont to do poor strangers, +dress them out a little, and help them on their way. But these +charitable persons care not to consign a calumny to those<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> who will +neither welcome nor advance it; and Miss Mortimer's declared aversion to +scandal kept her ignorant of some of the real, and much of the fabulous +history of her acquaintance. Accordingly, my intimacy with Lord +Frederick had, for almost three months, excited the smiles, the envy, or +the censure of 'every body one knows,' when Miss Mortimer was surprised +into hearing a copious account of my imprudence from a lady, who +declared 'that she was quite concerned to see that lovely girl, Miss +Percy, give so much occasion for censorious tales!' Who could doubt the +kindness of that concern which led her to detail my errors to my friend, +while she delicately forbore from hinting them to myself! My entrance +happening to interrupt her narrative, I heard her say, with great +emphasis,—'So very ridiculous, that I thought it an act of +friendship——' But, seeing me, she stopped; frowned very significantly +at Miss Mortimer; and then, resuming her complacency of countenance, she +accosted me in the most affectionate manner, protesting that she +rejoiced in being so fortunate as to meet with me. 'I was just telling +Miss Mortimer,' said she, 'that I never saw you look so lovely as when +you were delighting us all with that divine concerto upon the harp last +night.' In the same style she ran on for about three minutes; then +declaring, that she always forgot how time went when she was visiting +us, she hurried away; first, however, repeating her frown to Miss +Mortimer, accompanied with a cautioning shake of the head.</p> + +<p>I turned towards my real friend, and observed that she was looking on me +through rising tears. We were alone, and I think I was always less +indocile, less unamiable, when there were few witnesses of my behaviour. +Touched with the affectionate concern that was painted in her face, +before I knew what I was doing, I had locked her hand in mine, and had +enquired 'what was the matter with my good friend?'</p> + +<p>'My dearest Ellen,' returned she, and her mild eyes filled again, 'would +you but allow me to be your friend! But I will not talk to you now. That +prating woman has discomposed me.'</p> + +<p>My conscience at that moment giving warning of a lecture in embryo, I +instantly recollected myself. 'Oh!' cried I, 'how can you mind what she +says? She is so prodigal of her talk, that her own stores are nothing to +her. She must depend upon the public for supply, and you know what the +proverb says of "begging and choosing." But I must be gone; I promised +to meet Lady Waller at the exhibition. Good-by.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> + +<p>My reader, especially if he be a male reader, will more easily conceive +than I can express, the abhorrence of rebuke which, at this period of my +life, was strong upon me. I believe I could with more patience have +endured a fit of cramp, than the most gentle reproof that ever +friendship administered. By Miss Arnold's help, I for some days escaped +the admonitions of Miss Mortimer, till I was unfortunately placed at her +mercy, by an indisposition which I caught in striving, for two hours, to +make my way through the Duchess of ——'s lobby on the night of a rout. +The first day of my illness, Miss Arnold was pretty constantly at my +bed-side. The second, she was obliged to dine abroad, and could not +return before two o'clock in the morning. The third, while she was gone +to the auction to buy some toy which I had intended purchasing, I +received permission to leave my chamber; and Miss Mortimer, who had +scarcely quitted me by day or night, attended me to my dressing-room.</p> + +<p>From mere habit, I approached my glass; but three days of illness had +destroyed its power to please. 'Bless me,' cried I, 'what shall I do? I +am not fit to be seen! And I am dying to see somebody or other. Do, +Grant, tell them to let in Mr Maitland, if he calls. It is ten to one +that he will not observe what a haggard wretch I look.'</p> + +<p>'I have heard,' said Miss Mortimer, 'that love-lorn damsels sigh for +solitude. I hope your inclination for company is a sign that your heart +is still safe, in spite of reports to the contrary.' She forced a smile, +yet looked in my face with such sad earnestness, as if she had wished, +but feared to read my soul.</p> + +<p>There is no escape now, thought I, so I must make the best of it. 'Quite +safe,' answered I; 'so safe that I scarcely know whether I have one. I +rather imagine, that in me, as in certain heroines whom I have read of +at school, a deficiency has been made on one side, on purpose that I +might wound with greater dexterity and success.'</p> + +<p>'I rejoice to hear you say so,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'and still more +to see by that candid countenance, that you are not <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'decieving'">deceiving</ins> yourself. +I knew that you were above deceiving me.'</p> + +<p>'Nay,' said I, 'I won't answer for that, if I had any thing serious to +conceal; but there is no cause for deceit. I would not give my dear Fido +here for all other animals of his sex upon earth, except my father +and——'</p> + +<p>'And whom?' asked Miss Mortimer.</p> + +<p>'I was going to say Mr Maitland,' answered I, 'because he is so good a +man; but Fido is a hundred times more affectionate and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> amusing.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer now smiled without trying it. 'Mr Maitland is, indeed, a +good man,' said she; 'and if you would show him half the kindness and +attention that you do to Fido——'</p> + +<p>She too, left the sentence unfinished. Now, though I had not, I believe, +a thought of finding a lover in Mr Maitland, I often recollected, not +without pique, Miss Mortimer's first decision on that subject; and, with +a vague idea that she was going to recant, I said, with some quickness, +'Well, what would happen if I did?'</p> + +<p>'You would find him quite as amusing,' answered she.</p> + +<p>'Is that all?' said I, poutingly; 'then I may as well amuse myself with +Lord Frederick, who does not give me the trouble of drawing him out.'</p> + +<p>In my momentary pet I had started the very subject which I wished to +avoid. Miss Mortimer instantly took advantage of my inadvertence. 'A +little more caution,' said she, gravely, 'may be necessary in the one +case than in the other; for Mr Maitland, far from wilfully misleading +you, would guard the delicacy of your good name with a father's +jealousy.'</p> + +<p>'In what respect does Lord Frederick mislead me?'</p> + +<p>'Nay, I will not assert that he does; but, my dear Ellen, our +grandmothers used to warn us against the arts of men. They represented +lovers as insidious spoilers, subtle to contrive, and forward to seize +every occasion of advantage. I fear the nature of the pursuer remains +the same, though the pursuit be transferred from our persons to our +fortunes.'</p> + +<p>'Gorgons, and hydras, and chimeras dire!' exclaimed I; 'what a train you +have conjured up! But I can assure you, Lord Frederick is no insidious +spoiler, nor subtle, nor very bold; but a good-natured, giddy-brained +fellow, no more a match for me in cunning than I am for him at the +small-sword.'</p> + +<p>'Take care, Ellen. We all over-rate ourselves where we are deficient. No +part of your character is more striking than your perfect singleness of +heart.'</p> + +<p>'But what need is there of so much caution. I may as well marry Lord +Frederick as any body else. He wants fortune, I want rank. The bargain +would be very equitable. What objection could there be to it?'</p> + +<p>'None,' replied Miss Mortimer, with a deep sigh, 'provided that your +father were satisfied; and, which is, if possible, of still more +importance, provided you are sure that Lord Frederick is the man<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> whom +your sober judgment would approve.'</p> + +<p>'What! would you have me marry on mere sober judgment?'</p> + +<p>'No, I would not go quite so far; but, at least, I would not have you +marry against your sober judgment. Much, very much, will depend upon the +character of your husband. Toys cannot always please you, Ellen; for you +have warm affections. These affections may meet with neglect, perhaps +with unkindness; and have your habits fitted you for patient endurance? +You have strong feelings; and have you learnt the blessed art of +weakening their power upon your own mind, by diverting them into less +selfish channels?'</p> + +<p>She spoke with such warmth as flushed her cheek with almost youthful +bloom; while I smiled at the solemnity with which she treated a subject +so far from serious; and inwardly pitied that ignorance of the world, +which could so much mistake the nature of a harmless flirtation. 'Oh!' +cried I, 'if I were to marry Lord Frederick, I should support his +neglect with great philosophy; and as for unkindness, we could provide +against that in the settlements.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer's manner grew still more solemn. 'Answer me as gaily as +you will,' said she, 'but, by all that you value, my dearest child, I +adjure you to be serious with yourself. You have told me that you mean +one day to change your plan of life,—to put away childish things,—to +begin your education for eternity. Is Lord Frederick well fitted to be +your companion,—your assistant in this mighty work?'</p> + +<p>This view of the subject was far too awful for sport, far too just for +raillery, and far too grave for my taste; so I hastened to dismiss the +theme. 'Well, well, my good Miss Mortimer,' said I, 'be under no +apprehensions; I have not the slightest intention of marrying Lord +Frederick.'</p> + +<p>'If that be the case,' returned she, 'suffer me to ask why you encourage +his attentions.'</p> + +<p>'Merely for the sake of a little amusement,' answered I.</p> + +<p>'Ah, Ellen!' said Miss Mortimer, 'how many young women are lured on by +the same bait, till they have no honourable means of escape; and marry +without even inclination to excuse their folly or mitigate its effects! +Let the warning voice of experience——'</p> + +<p>The warning voice was, at that moment, silenced by the entrance of Miss +Arnold. 'Here, Ellen,' said she, 'is a packet for you, which I found in +the lobby.—What have you got there?' continued she, as I opened it.</p> + +<p>'A note from Lord Frederick, and two tickets to Lady St Edmunds'<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> masked +ball.'</p> + +<p>'Delightful! When is it to be?'</p> + +<p>'On Monday, the fifth of May.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, we have no engagement; that is charming!'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold skipped about, and seemed quite in ecstasies. Miss Mortimer, +on the contrary, looked gravely intent upon her work. Her gravity, and +the extravagance of Juliet's raptures, alike restrained my pleasure; and +I only expressed it by saying, with tolerable composure, that of all +amusements, a masked ball was the one which I most desired to see.</p> + +<p>'Oh! it will be enchanting!' cried Miss Arnold. 'What dresses shall we +wear, Ellen?'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer having cut a cap, which she had been shaping, into more +than fifty shreds, now leant earnestly towards me; and, timid and +faltering, as if she feared my answer, asked, 'if I would accept of Lord +Frederick's tickets?'</p> + +<p>'To be sure she will,' said Miss Arnold, answering for me.</p> + +<p>'Why should I not?' said I.</p> + +<p>'I hope you will at least consider the matter,' returned Miss Mortimer, +still addressing herself particularly to me. 'This sort of amusement is +regarded with suspicion by all sober-minded persons; and I own I could +wish that Miss Percy thought this a sufficient reason for refusing it +her countenance.'</p> + +<p>'I am sure that is a nonsensical prejudice,' cried Miss Arnold. 'At a +subscription masquerade, indeed, one might meet with low people, but at +Lady St Edmunds' there will be none but the best company in town.'</p> + +<p>'The best <i>born</i> company, I suppose you mean,' answered Miss Mortimer; +'but I imagine, that the very use of masks is to banish the privileges +and the restraints of personal respectability.'</p> + +<p>'Nay now, my dear Miss Mortimer!' cried I, playfully laying my hand upon +her mouth, 'pray don't throw away that nice lecture; you know I never +was at a masquerade in my life, and you would not be so savage as to +prose me out of going to one! only one!'</p> + +<p>'If I thought there were any chance of success,' said Miss Mortimer, +smiling affectionately on me, 'I would make captives of these little +hands till I tried all my rhetoric.'</p> + +<p>'It would be all lost,' cried I, 'for positively I must and will go.' +Miss Mortimer's countenance fell; for she knew that in spite of the +sportiveness of my manner, I was inaccessible to conviction; she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> +clearly perceived, though I was unconscious of the association, that my +pride connected an idea of rebellious presumption with whatever thwarted +my inclination; and she saw that no argument was likely to find +admission, where, instead of being welcomed as an honest counsellor, it +was guarded against as an insolent mutineer.</p> + +<p>After a short silence, she changed her point of attack. 'If,' said she, +'your acceptance of Lord Frederick's tickets implies any obligation to +accept his particular attendance, I think, Ellen, you will see the +prudence of refusing them.'</p> + +<p>Recollecting our late conversation, I felt myself embarrassed, and knew +not what to answer. But my companion quickly relieved my dilemma. +'Indeed, Miss Mortimer,' said she, 'you know nothing of these matters. +Ellen cannot invite gentlemen to Lady St Edmunds' house, so it is clear +that we must allow Lord Frederick to go with us; but when we are there, +we shall soon find attendants enough.'</p> + +<p>'Yes,' said I, willing to satisfy Miss Mortimer; 'and when we get into +the rooms, we shall be under the Countess's protection, and may shake +off the gentlemen as soon as we choose.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer looked more and more anxious. 'What protection can Lady St +Edmunds afford you,' said she, 'where hundreds around her have equal +claims; and left in such a place without any guard but your own +discretion?—dearest Ellen, I beseech you, return these tickets.'</p> + +<p>Though I was far from owning to myself that Miss Mortimer was in the +right, I could not entirely suppress the consciousness that my +resistance was wrong. The consequence was, that I grew angry with her +for making me displeased with myself, and peevishly answered, that I +would not return the tickets, nor be debarred from a harmless amusement +by any body's unfounded prejudices.</p> + +<p>'Call them prejudices, or what you will, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, in +a voice which I must have been a savage to resist, 'only yield to them!'</p> + +<p>My self-condemnation, and of course my ill-humour, were increased by her +mildness; and, forgetting all her claims to my respect, all her patient +affection, all her saint-like forbearance, I turned upon her with the +petulance of a spoiled child, and asked, 'who gave her a right to thwart +and importune me?' Tears rushed to her meek eyes. 'It was your mother! +Ellen,' cried she; 'when she bade me, in remembrance of our long and +faithful friendship, to watch and advise, and restrain her child. Will +you not give me up a few short<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> hours of pleasure for her sake?'</p> + +<p>I was overpowered and burst into tears; yet tears, I must own, as much +of spleen as of tenderness. Such as they were, I was ashamed of them; +and dashing them away, snatched the tickets and enclosed them in a short +note of apology to Lord Frederick. 'Are you going to return them?' cried +Miss Arnold, looking over my shoulder at what I had written, and +speaking in a tone of the utmost surprise. 'Certainly!' said I, in a +manner so decided, that without the least attempt to oppose my design, +she sat down opposite to me, as if taking wistfully her last look of the +tickets.</p> + +<p>'Pull the bell, Juliet,' said I, somewhat triumphantly, as I sealed the +note.</p> + +<p>'Give me the note,' said Miss Arnold, 'I am going down stairs, and will +give it to a servant. It is a pity the poor creatures should have +unnecessary trouble.' She took the packet, and quitted the room.</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer, the big drops still trickling down her cheek, pressed my +hand, as if she would have thanked me, had her voice been at her +command. Conscious of having made a proper sacrifice, I involuntarily +recovered my good humour; but my pride refused to let my kind friend +think her victory complete; and, releasing my hand, I turned away with +cold stateliness.</p> + +<p>But what am I doing? Is the world peopled with Miss Mortimers, that I +should expect its forbearance for such a character as mine?—No; but I +will endure the shame which I have merited. Detest me, reader. I was +worthy of your detestation! Throw aside, if you will, my story in +disgust. Yet remember, that indignation against vice is not of itself +virtue. Your abhorrence of pride and ingratitude is no farther genuine, +than, as it operates against your own pride, your own ingratitude. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Yet still thy good and amiable gifts<br /> +The sober dignity of virtue wear not.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Joanna Baillie.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>As soon as Miss Arnold and I were alone, she renewed the subject of the +masked ball. 'Well, Ellen!' cried she, 'I protest, I never was so much +astonished as at your simplicity in returning those tickets. That old +woman really winds you about just as she pleases.'</p> + +<p>'No, I am not quite so pliant,' answered I, somewhat piqued; 'but after +the footing upon which Miss Mortimer put her request, I do not see how I +could refuse it.'</p> + +<p>'She has art enough to know where you are most accessible,' said Miss +Arnold, well knowing that nothing was more likely to stir the proud +spirit than a suspicion of being duped. 'It is really provoking to see +you so managed!' continued she; 'and now to have her trick us out of +this ball, where we should have been so happy! You would have looked +quite enchanting as a sultana! and your diamond plume would have been +divine in the front of your turban, and——'</p> + +<p>She ran on describing our dresses and characters, enlarging on the +amusement of which my ill-timed facility had deprived us, till I was +thoroughly indignant at Miss Mortimer's interference. 'I am sure,' +interrupted I, 'I wish I had not allowed myself to be wheedled over like +a great baby; but I promise you that she shan't find it so easy to +persuade me another time.' Then I proceeded to reproach my own want of +spirit; for we can all attack ourselves where we are invulnerable. 'If I +had not been the tamest creature in the world,' said I, 'I should not +have yielded the matter; but it is in vain to talk of it now.'</p> + +<p>'Why in vain?' cried Miss Arnold with vivacity.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> + +<p>'You know,' answered I, 'that now when we <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'have have'">have</ins> returned the tickets +nothing more can be done.'</p> + +<p>'What if we could still have the tickets?' said Miss Arnold.</p> + +<p>'Impossible!' said I; 'I would not condescend to ask them again from +Lord Frederick.'</p> + +<p>'But,' said Miss Arnold, throwing her arm round my neck with an +insinuating smile, 'what if I, seeing that my dearest Ellen's heart was +set upon this ball, and guessing that she would soon repent of her +saint-errantry, had slily put the tickets into my pocket, and could +produce them thus' (showing me a corner of them), 'at this very moment?'</p> + +<p>I was thunderstruck. In spite of eight years' intimacy, Miss Arnold had +miscalculated upon my sentiments, when she expected me to approve of +this manœuvre. Confidence in my mother's mildness and affection had +instilled into my infant mind habits of sincerity; habits which she had +strengthened less by precept than by encouragement and example. The tint +had been infused at the fountain head, and it still coloured the stream. +A dead silence followed Miss Arnold's discovery; she, waiting to hear my +sentiments, I not caring to speak them; she looking intently in my face, +I gazing steadfastly on the tickets, without recollecting that I held +them in my hand.</p> + +<p>'How could we produce them to Miss Mortimer?' said I, at last, pursuing +my reflections aloud. 'She confidently believes that they are gone; and +she will think this such a piece of—' cunning, I would have said, but I +could not utter the ungracious truth to the kind creature, who had erred +purely to oblige me. 'She would be so astonished!' continued I: 'and +only this morning she praised my ingenuousness! I cannot keep these +tickets.'</p> + +<p>'Oh!' cried Miss Arnold, 'I am sure there is no disingenuousness on your +part. It was not you who detained the tickets. I will tell her honestly +how the matter stands. I would be chidden for a month rather than that +you should lose this ball,—you would be so happy, and so much admired!'</p> + +<p>'My dear, kind-hearted Juliet! you cannot suppose that I will take +advantage of your good nature! You would not have me buy my pleasure at +the expense of injuring you in any one's good opinion? No, no; were I to +keep these tickets it should be at my own hazard.'</p> + +<p>I think Miss Arnold blushed; and she certainly hesitated a moment before +she replied,—'I assure you I do not care a straw for her good opinion. +What signify the whims of people who think like nobody<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> else?'</p> + +<p>Of all my acquaintance, Mr Maitland alone joined Miss Mortimer in +'thinking like nobody else;' and a recollection of him glanced across my +mind. The association was not over favourable to Miss Arnold's purpose. +'Some of the most sensible men in the kingdom think like Miss Mortimer,' +said I.</p> + +<p>'The most sensible men in the kingdom often think wrong,' returned Miss +Arnold. 'Besides, what signify their thoughts, so long as they dare not +tell us them?'</p> + +<p>'Some of them do dare,' said I with a sigh.</p> + +<p>'Come, come, Ellen,' said Juliet, 'do you keep the tickets, and I shall +willingly take the blame. Be satisfied with being afraid of the men and +the methodists yourself; you will never make me so.'</p> + +<p>'Afraid!' The word jarred upon my spirit. 'Afraid!' repeated I; 'I fear +no mortal! but I scorn to do what the coldest, most correct man in +England could think dishonourable. I would not be despised for all the +pleasures under heaven! I will send back these tickets this moment.'</p> + +<p>I turned proudly away, wholly unconscious how much the sense of honour +was indebted to the opportune remembrance of Mr Maitland, and as +confident in my own integrity as if it had already been seven times +tried in the furnace. I rang the bell; delivered, with my own hand, the +tickets to a servant; and never in my life felt more conscious of my +advantages of stature. I forgot the languor of indisposition. I walked +with the springing step of exultation. I forgave Miss Mortimer my +disappointment. I was grateful to Juliet for her kind intentions. Every +object was pleasing, for it shone with the reflected light of +self-approbation. My evening was cheerful, though comparatively lonely; +my sleep refreshing, though unbought by exercise. I could have wished +that it had been allowable to tell Miss Mortimer all my cause of +triumph; and once (such is the selfishness of pride) I entertained a +thought of boasting to her my second sacrifice to propriety; but, when I +remembered the meanness of betraying my friend to censure, the base +suggestion vanished from my mind; and again I inwardly applauded my own +rectitude, instead of blushing that such a thought could have found +entrance into my soul.</p> + +<p>Almost for the first time in my life I wished for Mr Maitland's +presence; probably, though I did not shape the idea to myself, in the +hope that he would confirm my self-esteem. But he came not to take +advantage of my order for excluding all visiters except <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'himsef'">himself</ins>. The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> +next day, however, he called; and as I was still somewhat indisposed, he +was admitted to my <i>boudoir</i>. He had not been seated many minutes, when +Miss Mortimer adverted to my late sacrifice. 'You must assist me with +your invention, Mr Maitland,' said she. 'I want to make Monday, the 5th +of May, the happiest day in the season, and as gay as is consistent with +happiness.'</p> + +<p>'My intention is quite at your service,' said Mr Maitland; 'but why is +the 5th of May to be so distinguished?'</p> + +<p>'I am deeply in Miss Percy's debt for amusement on that day; for it was +fixed for a masked ball, which she has given up at my request.'</p> + +<p>I stole a glance at Mr Maitland, and saw his countenance relax +pleasantly. 'I dare say,' said he, 'you owe Miss Percy nothing on that +account, for she will have more pleasure in complying with your wish +than twenty masked balls would have given her.'</p> + +<p>'I am not sure of that,' cried I; 'for of all things on earth, I should +like to see a masked ball.'</p> + +<p>'Must I then, per force, allow you some merit for relinquishing this +one?' said Mr Maitland, seating himself by my side, with such a smile of +playful kindness as he sometimes bestowed on Miss Mortimer. 'But why,' +continued he, 'should you, of all women, desire to appear in masquerade? +Come, confess that you believe you may conceal more charms than fall to +the lot of half your sex, and still defy competition.'</p> + +<p>'You may more charitably suppose,' returned I, 'that I am humbly +desirous to escape comparisons.'</p> + +<p>'Nay,' said Mr <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Mailtland'">Maitland</ins>, with a smile which banished all the severity of +truth, 'that would imply too sudden a reformation. Would you have me +believe that you have conquered your besetting sin since the last time +we met?'</p> + +<p>'How have you the boldness,' said I, smiling, 'to talk to me of +besetting sin?'</p> + +<p>'As I would talk to a <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'solider'">soldier</ins> of his scars,' said Mr Maitland. 'You +think it an honourable blemish.'</p> + +<p>'This is too bad!' cried I, 'not only to call me vain, but to tell me +that I pique myself on my vanity!'</p> + +<p>'Ay,' returned Mr Maitland, dryly, 'on your vanity, or your pride, or +your——, call it what you will.'</p> + +<p>'Well, pride let it be,' said I. 'Surely there is a becoming pride, +which every woman ought to have.'</p> + +<p>'A becoming pride!' repeated Mr Maitland; 'the phrase sounds<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> well; now +tell me what it means.'</p> + +<p>'It means—it means—that is, I believe it means—that sort of dignity +which keeps your saucy sex from presuming too far.'</p> + +<p>'What connection is there, think you, between cautious decency,—that +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'peculiuar'">peculiar</ins> endearing instinct of a woman,—and inordinate +self-estimation?'</p> + +<p>'Oh! I would not have my pride inordinate. I would merely have a +comfortable respect for myself and my endowments, to keep up my spirit, +that I might not be a poor domestic animal to run about tame with the +chickens, and cower with them into a corner as oft as lordly man +presented his majestic port before me!—No! I hope I shall never lose my +spirit. What should I be without it?'</p> + +<p>'Far be it from me to reduce you so deplorably!' said Mr Maitland; +beginning with a smile, though, before he ceased to speak, the +seriousness of strong interest stole over his countenance. 'But what if +Miss Percy, intrusted with every gift of nature and of fortune, should +remember that still they were only trusts, and should fear to abuse +them? What if, like a wise steward, instead of valuing herself upon the +extent of her charge, she should study how to render the best account of +it? What would you then be? All that your warmest friends could wish +you. You would cease to covet—perhaps to receive—the adulation of +fools; and gain, in exchange, the respect, the strong affection, of +those who can look beyond a set of features.'</p> + +<p>The earnestness with which Mr Maitland spoke was so opposite to the cold +composure of his general manner; his eyes, which ever seemed to +penetrate the soul, flashed with such added brightness, that mine fell +before them, and I felt the warm crimson burn on my <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original unclear 'cheek or check'">cheek</ins>. I believe no +other man upon earth could have quelled my humour for a moment; but I +had an habitual awe of Mr Maitland, and felt myself really relieved, +when the entrance of my father excused me from replying.</p> + +<p>I knew, by my father's face, that he was full of an important something; +for he merely paid the customary compliment to Mr Maitland, and then +walked silently up and down the room with an air of unusual stateliness +and satisfaction. 'What has pleased you so much this morning, papa?' +enquired I.</p> + +<p>'Pleased, Miss Percy!' returned my father, knitting his brow, and +endeavouring to look out of humour; 'I tell you I am not pleased. I am +teased out of my life on your account by one fellow or another.' Then, +turning to Maitland, he formally apologised for troubling him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> with +family affairs, though I believe he was, on this occasion, not at all +sorry to have his friend for a hearer.</p> + +<p>'Which of them has been teasing you now, sir?' said I, carelessly.</p> + +<p>'The Duke of C——,' said my father, in a fretful tone, though a smile +was lurking at the corner of his mouth, 'has been here this morning to +make proposals for a match between you and his son Frederick.'</p> + +<p>'Well, sir,' said I, with some little interest in the issue of the +conference; but my curiosity was instantly diverted into another +channel, by a sudden and not very gentle pressure of the hand, which Mr +Maitland had still held, and which he now released. The gesture, however +inadvertent, attracted my eye towards him; but his face was averted, and +my vanity could not extract one particle of food from the careless air +with which he began to turn over the pages of a book which lay upon my +work-table.</p> + +<p>My father proceeded. 'His Grace proposed to settle two thousand pounds +a-year upon his son; no great matter he was forced to confess; but then +he harangued about supporting the dignity of the title, and the hardship +of burdening the representative of the family with extravagant provision +for younger children. But, to balance that, Ellen, he hinted that you +might be a Duchess; for the Marquis, like most of these sprigs of +quality, is of a very weakly constitution. Pity that ancient blood +should so often lose strength in the keeping! Eh, Ellen!'</p> + +<p>My father made a pause, and looked as if he expected that I should now +express some curiosity in regard to his decision, but my pride was +concerned to show my total indifference on the subject; so I sat quietly +adjusting my bracelet, without offering him the slightest encouragement +to proceed. He looked towards Maitland; but Maitland was reading most +intently. He turned to Miss Mortimer; and at last found a listener, who +was trembling with interest which she had not power to express.</p> + +<p>'What think you of the great man's liberality' continued my father. 'Is +not two thousand pounds a-year a mighty splendid offer for a girl like +my Ellen there, with a hundred thousand pounds down, and perhaps twice +as much more before she dies? Eh, Miss Elizabeth? Should not I be a very +sensible fellow, to bring a jackanapes into my house to marry my +daughter, and spend my money, and be obliged to me for the very coat on +his back, and all by way of doing me a great honour forsooth? No, no. +I'll never pay for having myself and my girl<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> looked down upon. She's a +pretty girl, and a clever girl, and the d——l a De Burgh in England can +make his daughter as well worth an honest man's having: eh, Maitland?'</p> + +<p>'Not in your opinion and mine, undoubtedly, sir,' said Maitland, with +the air of a man who is obliged to pay a compliment.</p> + +<p>'I told the old gentleman my mind very distinctly,' said my father, +drawing up his head, and advancing his chest. 'I have given his grandee +pride something to digest, I warrant you. And now he is ashamed of his +repulse, and wants the whole affair kept private forsooth. I am sure it +is none of my concern to trumpet the matter. All the world knows I have +refused better offers for Miss Percy.'</p> + +<p>'If his Grace wishes the affair to be so private,' cried I, 'I am afraid +he won't inform his daughters of it.'</p> + +<p>'You of course will consider it as quite at an end,' said my father, +addressing himself to me.</p> + +<p>'Oh certainly, sir,' answered I; 'but how shall I get the news conveyed +to Lady Maria?'</p> + +<p>'Tell it to a mutual friend as a profound secret,' said Mr Maitland, +dryly. 'But why are you so anxious that Lady Maria should hear of her +brother's disappointment?'</p> + +<p>'Oh because it will provoke her so delightfully,' cried I. 'The +descendant of a hundred and fifty De Burghs to be rejected by a city +merchant's daughter! It will ruin her in laces and lip-salve.'</p> + +<p>I was so enchanted with the prospect of my rival's vexation, that it was +some moments ere I observed that Mr Maitland, actually turning pale, had +shrunk from me as far as the end of the couch would permit him, and sat +leaning his head on his hand with an air of melancholy reflection. +Presently afterwards he was rising to take his leave, when a servant +came to inform Miss Mortimer that Mrs Wells, the woman whom Mr Maitland +had rescued from the effect of my rashness, was below waiting to speak +with her. 'Stay a few minutes, Mr Maitland, and see your protegée,' said +Miss Mortimer to him, as he was bidding her good morning. He immediately +consented; while my father quitted the room, saying, 'If the woman is +come for money, Miss Mortimer, you may let me know. I always send these +people what they want, and have done with them.'</p> + +<p>Mrs Wells, however, was come, not in quest of money, but of a commodity +which the poor need almost as often, though they ask it less frequently. +She wanted advice. Finding that Miss Mortimer was not alone, she was at +first modestly unwilling to intrude upon the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> attention of the company. +But Mr Maitland, who, I believe, possessed some talisman to unlock at +his pleasure every heart but mine, engaged her by a few simple +expressions of interest to unfold the purpose of her coming. She told +us, that her eldest daughter, Sally, had for some time been courted by a +young man of decent character, and was inclined to marry him. 'The girl +must be a great fool,' thought I, 'for she can neither expect carriages +nor jewels, and what else should tempt any woman to marry?' The lover, +Mrs Wells said, could earn five-and-twenty or thirty shillings a week by +his trade, which was that of a house-carpenter. This, together with +Sally's earnings as a mantua-maker, might maintain the young couple in +tolerable comfort. But they had no house, and could not furnish one +without incurring debts which would be a severe clog on their future +industry. The young man, however, being in love, was inclined to despise +all prudential considerations; and, in spite of her mother's counsels, +had almost inspired his mistress with similar temerity. Mrs Wells +therefore begged of Miss Mortimer to fortify Sally with her advice, and +to set before her the folly of so desperate a venture. 'Thanks to your +excellent mother, Miss Percy,' said she, 'my children have forgotten +poverty; and, indeed, no one rightly knows what it is, but they who have +striven with it as I have. Any other distress one may now and then +forget; but hard creditors, and cold hungry children will not allow one +to forget them.' Her proposal was, that Miss Mortimer should prevail +with the girl to resist her lover's solicitations for a few years, till +the joint savings of the pair might amount to forty or fifty pounds, +which she said would enable them to begin the world reputably.</p> + +<p>'Forty or fifty pounds,' cried I; 'is that all?—Oh! if you are sure +that Sally really wants to be married, I can settle that in a minute. I +am sure I must have more than that left of my quarterly allowance.'</p> + +<p>'What are you talking of, Ellen?' cried Miss Arnold, who had just +entered the room. 'You are not going to give away fifty pounds at once?'</p> + +<p>'Why not?' answered I. 'Probably I shall not want the money; or if I do, +papa will advance my next quarter.'</p> + +<p>I had, I believe, at first offered my gift from a simple emotion of +good-will; but now, taught by my friend's resistance, I began to claim +some merit for my generosity; and glanced towards Mr Maitland in search +of his approving look. But Mr Maitland had no approving look to reward a +liberality which sprang from no principle, and called for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span> no labour, +and inferred no self-denial. His eye was fixed upon me with an +expression of calm compassion, which seemed to say, 'Poor girl! have +even thy best actions no solid virtue in them?' Mrs Wells, however, had +less discrimination. The poor know not what it is to give without +generosity, for they possess nothing which can be spared without +self-denial. Tears of gratitude filled her eyes while she praised and +thanked me; but she positively refused to deprive me of such a sum. 'No, +no,' said she, 'let Robert and Sally work and save for two or three +years; and in that time they will get a habit of patience and good +management, which will be of as much use to them as money.' The +approving look which I had sought was now bestowed upon Mrs Wells. 'You +judge very wisely, Mrs Wells,' said Mr Maitland. 'But two or three years +will seem endless to them; say one year, that we may not frighten them, +and whatever they can both save in that time, I will double to them.'</p> + +<p>Mrs Wells thanked him, not with the servility of dependence, but with +the warmth of one whom kindness had made bold. Then turning to me, and +apologising for the liberty she took, she begged my patronage for Sally +in the way of her business. 'I assure you, ma'am,' said she, 'that Sally +works very nicely; and if she could get the name of being employed by +such as you, she would soon have her hands full.'</p> + +<p>I was thoroughly discomposed by this request. I could part with fifty +pounds with inconvenience, but to wear a gown not made by Mrs Beetham, +was a humiliation to which I could not possibly submit. Unwilling to +disappoint, I knew not what to answer; but Miss Arnold instantly +relieved my dilemma. 'Bless you, good woman,' cried she, 'how could Miss +Percy wear such things as your daughter would make? Before she could +have a pattern, it would be hacked about among half the low creatures in +town.'</p> + +<p>Mrs Wells coloured very deeply. 'I meant no offence,' said she: 'I +thought, perhaps, Miss Percy might direct Sally how she wished her gowns +to be made, and I am sure Sally would do as she was directed.'</p> + +<p>'Indeed, my good friend,' answered I, 'I can no more direct Sally in +making a gown, than in making a steam-engine. But I will ask employment +for her wherever I think I am likely to be successful. Come, Miss +Mortimer, I shall begin with you.'</p> + +<p>'Do,' said Mr Maitland, in his dry manner. 'Miss Mortimer can afford to +spare the attraction of a fashionable gown.'</p> + +<p>It has been since discovered, that Mr Maitland did, that very day,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span> +provide for the accomplishment of his promise, in case that death or +accident should prevent his fulfilling it in person. Miss Mortimer +easily persuaded Sally to pursue the prudent course; and, besides, +exerted her influence so successfully, as to procure employment for +every hour of the girl's time. My profuse offer passed from my mind, and +was forgotten. But their charity,—the charity of Christians,—had at +all times little resemblance to the spurious quality which in my breast +usurped the name. Theirs was the animated virtue, instinct with life +divine!—mine, the mutilated stony image, which even if it had been +complete in all its parts, would still have wanted the living principle. +Theirs was the blessed beam of Heaven, active, constant, +universal!—mine the unprofitable, unsteady flash of the 'troubled sea, +which cannot rest.' +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>'Her reputation?' That was like her wit,<br /> +And seemed her manner and her state to fit.<br /> +Something there was—what, none presumed to say,<br /> +Clouds lightly passing on a smiling day;<br /> +Whispers and hints which went from ear to ear,<br /> +And mixed reports no judge on earth could clear.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Crabbe.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>Recovered from my indisposition, I resumed my gay career. But who ever +spent a week in retirement, without projecting some reform, however +partial, some small restraint upon desire, or some new caution in its +gratification? I determined to observe more circumspection in my conduct +towards Lord Frederick; though Miss Arnold laboured to convince me, that +our flirtation might now be carried on with more safety than ever, since +the parties were aware that it could have no serious issue. +<i>Tête-à-tête</i> with her in my dressing-room, I could detect the fallacy +of her arguments, and refused to be misled by them. The most imprudent +being upon earth makes many a judicious resolution; and may trace his +errors less to the weakness of his judgment, than to the feebleness of +his self-command.</p> + +<p>The first party which I joined after my convalescence, was at a concert +and <i>petit souper</i> which Lady G. gave to fifty-eight of her particular +friends. As soon as I entered the room, my attention was arrested by a +group, consisting of Lady Maria de Burgh, her favourite Lady Augusta +Loftus, Lord Frederick, and Lord Glendower. Lady Augusta seemed +assiduous to entertain my admirer, who, lounging against a pillar with +his eyes half shut, appeared only to study how he might answer her with +the slightest possible exertion of mind or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> muscle. Perceiving me, Lady +Maria touched her friend's arm, as if to direct her eye towards me; then +whispered behind her fan somewhat which seemed immoderately entertaining +to both. A rudeness which ought to have awakened only my pity, roused my +resentment, and I piously resolved to seize an early opportunity of +retort. The party continued their merriment, and I even observed Lady +Augusta endeavouring to engage Lord Frederick to join in it. This was +too much; and I resolved to show Lady Augusta that I was no such +despicable rival. But I had been accustomed to accept, not to solicit +the attentions of Lord Frederick, and I waited till he should accost me. +Lord Frederick, however, seemed entirely insensible to my presence. His +eye did not once wander towards me; indeed the assiduity of his +companion left scarcely even his eyes at liberty. Weary of watching Lady +Augusta's advances to my quondam admirer, I at last condescended to +claim his notice by passing close to him. A distant bow was the only +courtesy which I obtained. I was asked to sing, and chose an elaborate +bravura, which Lord Frederick had often declared to be divine. In the +midst of it I saw him break from his obsequious fair one and approach +me. My heart, I own, bounded with triumph. Premature triumph, alas! He +addressed our hostess, who was bending over me; pleaded indispensable +business; and leaving the divine bravura to more disengaged hearers, +withdrew.</p> + +<p>I was disconcerted; for, like other beauties, I liked better to repulse +presumption than to endure neglect. My song ended, I had remained for +some time sullen and silent, regardless of the lavish commendations +which were poured upon me; when, recollecting that my discomposure would +afford matter of exultation to my rivals, I suddenly rallied my spirits, +and looked round for some new instrument of offence. Lord Glendower, the +reputed suitor of Lady Maria, still kept his station by her side. I +contrived to engage him during the remainder of the evening. The penalty +of my malice was three hours' close attention to the dullest fool in +England; for vice, too, requires her self-denials, though her disciples +are not, like those of virtue, forewarned of the requisition. Languid, +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'digusted'">disgusted</ins> and out of humour, I fatigued myself with laborious +playfulness, till the separation of the party released me from penance.</p> + +<p>Lord Frederick's 'indispensable business' was the next day explained by +a report, that he had passed the night in a gaming-house, where he had +lost five-and-twenty thousand pounds. Miss Arnold spoke with the +tenderest compassion of this disaster,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> 'smoothing my ruffled plumes,' +by ascribing it to the desperation occasioned by his late +disappointment. Forgetting that she had so lately ridiculed my romantic +estimate of the force of his passion, she suddenly appeared convinced +that it was strong enough to account for the most frantic actions. Folly +itself is not so credulous as self-conceit. I more than half believed, +though I affected to disprove her assertion. It approached, indeed, to +the truth more nearly than she suspected. Money, however obtained, was +absolutely necessary to Lord Frederick; and mine being beyond his reach, +he had recourse to fortune. But, in calculating upon the actions of the +gay, the liberal Lord Frederick, the narrow motives of interest never +once entered into my account. Dazzled by the false spirit, indicated by +the magnitude of his loss, and pleased with the cause to which vanity +ascribed it, I had half pardoned his late neglect, when I that evening +met him at Mrs Clermont's rout.</p> + +<p>So crowded were the rooms that I was not aware when he entered; and when +I first observed him, he was standing in close conversation with Miss +Arnold. Even pride can make concessions where it imagines cause of pity. +I condescended to give Lord Frederick another opportunity of renewing +his attention, and moved towards him through the crowd. My friend and he +were conversing with great earnestness; and, as I approached them from +behind, I caught the last words of their dialogue. His Lordship's speech +concluded with the expression, 'I should look confoundedly silly;'—Miss +Arnold's answer was, 'The thing is impossible:—he has not another +relation upon earth, except——' Seeing me at her side, Miss Arnold +stopped abruptly, and, I think, changed colour; but I had no time to +make observations, for Lord Frederick, seizing my hand, exclaimed, 'Ah, +you cruel creature, have you at last given me an opportunity to speak +with you. I thought you had been determined to cut me, since old +squaretoes interfered.' I carelessly answered that I had not made up my +mind on that subject:—but, had my reply been delayed a few moments, it +could not have been uttered with truth; for just then Lady Maria came to +request, with no small earnestness, that her brother would go and +exhibit to Lady Augusta Loftus a trick with cards, which it seems he +could perform with singular dexterity. 'We shall see who will prevail,' +thought I, and I seated myself as if to evince my resolution of +remaining where I was. Lord Frederick immediately excused himself to his +sister; and she at last, in evident vexation, relinquished her attempt.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p> + +<p>This little victory raised my spirits; and I enjoyed with double relish, +and provoked with double industry, the jealous glances with which I was +watched by Lady Maria and her fair friend. Lord Frederick, on his part, +had never been so assiduous to entertain. He flattered, made love, spoke +scandal, and even threw out some sarcasms upon the jealousy of his +sister. How had enmity perverted my mind, when I could tolerate this +unnatural assassination! How had it darkened my understanding, when I +shrunk not with suspicion from the heart which was dead to the sacred +charities of kindred!</p> + +<p>In the course of our conversation, Lord Frederick rallied me on the +subject of the masked ball, urging me to give my reasons for refusing +the tickets. Weakly ashamed to be suspected of submitting to authority, +I employed every excuse except the true one; and, among others, alleged, +that I was unacquainted with the lady by whom the ball was to be given. +Lord Frederick insisted upon introducing his relation, Lady St Edmunds, +to me; declaring that he had often heard her express a desire to be of +my acquaintance. I could not resist the temptation of this introduction, +for Lady St Edmunds was of the highest fashion. I protested, indeed, +that my resolution, with regard to the masquerade, was immutable, but I +suffered Lord Frederick to go in search of his gay relative.</p> + +<p>He soon returned, leading a lady, in whose appearance some half-a-dozen +wrinkles alone indicated the approach of the years of discretion. Her +cheek glowed with more than youthful roses. Her eye flashed with more +than cheerful fires. Her splendid drapery loosely falling from her +shoulders, displayed the full contour of a neck whiter than virgin +innocence, pure even from the faintest of those varying hues which stain +the lilies of nature. She addressed me with much of the grace and all +the ease of fashion, loaded me with compliments and caresses, and +charmed me with the artful condescension which veils itself in +respectful courtesy. She proposed to wait upon me the next day, and +entreated that I would allow her the privilege of old acquaintance, by +giving orders that she should be admitted. I readily consented, for +indeed I was delighted with my new friend. I was dazzled with the +freedom of her language, the boldness of her sentiments, and her +apparent knowledge of the world. The partial admiration expressed for +me, by one so much my superior in years and rank, warmed a heart +accessible through every avenue of vanity; and I spent an hour in lively +chit-chat with her and Lord Frederick, without once recollecting that +her Ladyship's fame was not quite so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> spotless as her bosom.</p> + +<p>Faithful to her appointment, Lady St Edmunds called upon me the next +morning; and though she looked less youthful, was as fascinating as +ever. No charm of graceful sportiveness, of artful compliment, or of +kindly seeming, was wanting to the attraction of her manners. I was +accustomed to the adulation of men; and sometimes, when it was less +dexterously applied, or when I was in a more rational humour, I could +ask myself which the obsequious gentleman admired the most,—Miss Percy, +or the pretty things they said to her. But let no one boast of being +inaccessible to flattery, till he had withstood that of a superior; and +let that superior be highly bred, seemingly disinterested, and a woman. +I did not, at the time, perceive that Lady St Edmunds flattered me; I +merely was convinced that she had a lively sensibility towards a kindred +mind, and a generosity which could bestow unenvying admiration upon +superior youth and beauty.</p> + +<p>When she was about to retire, she mentioned her masked ball, expressing +a strong desire to see me there, and extending the request to Miss +Arnold. With one of the deepest sighs I ever breathed, I told her of my +unfeigned regret that it was out of my power to accept her invitation. +Lady St Edmunds looked as if she read my thoughts. 'I won't be denied,' +said she; 'be as late as you will; but surely you may escape from your +engagement for an hour or two at least. Come, dear Miss Percy, you would +not be so mischievous as to spoil my whole evening's pleasure; and now +that I know you, there is no thinking of pleasure without you.'</p> + +<p>I was again on the point of declining, though with tears in my eyes, +when I was interrupted by Miss Arnold. 'I can assure your Ladyship,' +said she, 'that we have no engagement; only, our duenna does not approve +of masquerades, and Ellen happens to be in a submissive frame just now.'</p> + +<p>I could better endure the weight of my shackles than the exhibition of +them; and, the warm blood rushing to my cheek, I answered, 'That I did +not suppose Miss Mortimer, or any other person, pretended a right to +control me; that I had merely yielded to entreaties, not submitted to +authority.'</p> + +<p>'And why must the duenna's entreaties be more powerful than mine?' said +Lady St Edmunds, laying her white hand upon my arm, and looking in my +face with a soul-subduing smile.</p> + +<p>'Dear Lady St Edmunds!' cried I, kissing her hand, 'do not talk of +entreaty. Lay some command upon me less agreeable to my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> inclination, +that I may show how eager I am to obey you. But indeed, I fear—I +think—I—after giving my promise to Miss Mortimer, I believe I ought +not to retract.'</p> + +<p>'Why not, my dear?' said Lady St Edmunds. 'It is only changing your +mind, you know, which the whole sex does every day.'</p> + +<p>'You know, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, 'the case is quite altered since +you talked of it with Miss Mortimer. She did not object so much to the +masked ball, as to your going with——'</p> + +<p>'Juliet!' said I, stopping her with a frown, for I felt shocked that she +should tell Lady St Edmunds that her nephew's attendance was objected to +by Miss Mortimer.</p> + +<p>'Ah!' cried Lady St Edmunds, with the prettiest air of reproach +imaginable, 'I see Miss Arnold is more inclined to oblige me than you +are; so to her I commit my cause for the present, for now I positively +must tear myself away. Good-by, my pretty advocate. Be sure you make me +victorious over the duenna. Farewell, my lovely perverse one,' continued +she, kissing my cheek. 'I shall send you tickets, however. I issue only +three hundred.'</p> + +<p>Lady St Edmunds retired, and left my heart divided between her and the +masquerade. She was scarcely gone, when Miss Mortimer came in; and, full +of my charming visiter, I instantly began to pronounce her eulogium. I +thought Miss Mortimer listened with very repulsive coldness; of course, +a little heat of a less gentle kind was added to the warmth of my +admiration, and my language became more impassioned. 'I have been told +that Lady St Edmunds is very insinuating,' said Miss Mortimer; and this +was all the answer I could obtain. My praise became more rapturous than +ever. Miss Mortimer remained silent for some moments after I had talked +myself out of breath. Perhaps she was considering how she might reply +without offence. 'Such manners,' said she, 'must indeed be engaging. I +see their effect in the eloquence of your praise. I wish it were always +safe to yield to their attraction.'</p> + +<p>'Bless me! Miss Mortimer,' interrupted I, 'you are the most suspicious +being! I see you want me to suspect Lady St Edmunds of every thing that +is bad, and for no earthly reason but because she is delightful!'</p> + +<p>'Indeed, my dear Ellen,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'you wrong me. I should +be the last person to taint your mind with any unfounded suspicion. But +it is natural, you know, that years should teach us caution.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Oh!' exclaimed I, fervently clasping my hands, 'if age must chill all +my affections, and leave me only a dead soul chained to a half-living +body, may Heaven grant that my years may be few! May I go to my grave +ere my heart cease to love and trust its fellows!'</p> + +<p>'Dearest child!' cried Miss Mortimer, 'may many a happy year improve and +refine your affections; and may they long survive the enthusiasm which +paints their objects as faultless! But is it not better that you should +know a little of Lady St Edmunds' character, before intimacy confirm her +power over you?'</p> + +<p>'Why should I know any thing more of her than I do? I can see that she +has the most penetrating understanding, the most affectionate heart!'</p> + +<p>'No doubt these are great endowments; but something more may be +necessary. The proverb is not the less true for its vulgarity, which +tells us, that the world will estimate us by our associates; and, what +is still more important, the estimate will prove just. If you form +intimacies with the worthless, or even with the suspected——'</p> + +<p>'Worthless! suspected!' exclaimed I, my blood boiling with indignation; +'who dares to use such epithets in speaking of Lady St Edmunds?'</p> + +<p>'Be calm, Ellen. I did not, at the moment that I uttered these offensive +words, intend any personal application. If I had, my language should +have been less severe. But I can inform you, that the world has been +less cautious, and that those epithets have been very freely applied to +Lady St Edmunds!'</p> + +<p>'Yes! perhaps by a set of waspish bigots, envious of her, who is herself +so far above the meanness of envy,—or who cannot pardon her for +refusing to make Sunday a day of penance!'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer, though naturally one of the most timid creatures upon +earth, was as inflexible in regard to some particular opinions, as if +she had had the nerves of a Hercules. 'Indeed, Ellen,' said she, calmly, +'it would be ungrateful in you, or any other woman of fashion, to charge +the world with intolerance towards Sabbath-breakers. I fear that Lady St +Edmunds would give little offence by her Sunday's parties, if she were +circumspect in her more private conduct.'</p> + +<p>'Bless my heart, Miss Mortimer!' cried I, 'what have I to do with the +private conduct of all my acquaintance? What is it to me, if Lady St +Edmunds spoil her children, or rule her husband, or lose a few hundred +pounds at cards now and then?'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer smiled.—'Even bigots,' said she, 'must acquit her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> +Ladyship of all these faults, for she takes no concern with her +children,—she is separated from her husband,—and certainly does not +<i>lose</i> at cards.'</p> + +<p>'And so you, who pretend to preach charity towards all mankind, can +condescend to retail second-hand calumny! You would have me desert an +amiable, and, I am persuaded, an injured woman, merely because she has +the misfortune to be slandered!'</p> + +<p>'When you know me better, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, meekly, 'you will +find, that it is not my practice to repeat any scandalous tale, without +some better reason than my belief that it is true. I shall not at +present defend the justice of the censures which have fallen upon Lady +St Edmunds. I will merely offer you my opinion, in hopes that, a few +hours hence, you may reconsider it. If a friend, whose worth you had +proved, whose affection you had secured, were made a mark for the shafts +of calumny,—far be it from you to seek a base shelter, leaving her +unshielded, to be 'hit by the archers;' but, against the formation of a +new acquaintance, the slightest suspicion ought, in my opinion, to be +decisive. The frailty of a good name is as proverbial as its value; and +virgin fame is far too precious to be ventured upon uncertainty, and far +too frail to escape uninjured even from the appearance of hazard.'</p> + +<p>This speech was so long that it gave me time to cool, and so +incontrovertible, that I found some difficulty in replying. Before I +could summon a rejoinder, Miss Mortimer, who never pursued a victory, +had quitted the room. She had left me an unpleasant subject of +meditation; but she had allowed me to postpone the consideration of it +for a few hours; so, in the mean time, I turned my thoughts to the +masquerade.</p> + +<p>And first, by way of safeguard against temptation, I thought it best to +lay down an immutable resolution that I would not go. It was very hard, +indeed, to be deprived of such a harmless amusement; but, as I had given +an unlucky promise, I purposed magnanimously to adhere to it, resolving, +however, to indemnify myself the next opportunity. Thus mortified, I +began to indulge my fancy in painting what <i>might have been</i> the +pleasures of the masquerade. I imagined (there was surely no harm in +imagining!) how well I could have personated the fair Fatima,—how +happily the turban would have accorded with the Grecian turn of my +head,—how softly the transparent sleeves of my caftan would have shaded +my rounded arm,—how favourably the Turkish costume would have shown the +light limb, and the elastic<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> step. I invented a hundred witticisms which +I might have uttered,—a hundred compliments which I might have +received. Above all, I dwelt upon the approbation, the endearments of +the charming Lady St Edmunds, till my heart bounded with the ideal joy. +When I retired to rest, the same gay visions surrounded me; and I gladly +awoke to pursue them again in my waking dreams.</p> + +<p>How suitable to our nature is that commandment which places upon the +thoughts the first restraints of virtue! It was painful to interrupt my +delightful reverie, by renewing my resolutions of self-denial, so I +passed them over as already fixed, insensible how fatally I was +undermining their foundations. The bribe must be poor indeed, which the +aids of imagination cannot render irresistible. The longer my fancy +dwelt upon my lost pleasure, the more severe seemed my privation, the +more unfounded Miss Mortimer's prejudice. From the wish that the thing +had been right, the step was easy to the belief that it could not be +<i>very</i> wrong. Before the morning, my inclination had so far bewildered +my judgment, that Miss Arnold found no difficulty in persuading me to +refer the matter to my father; and, regardless of my promise, to abide +by his decision.</p> + +<p>She herself undertook the statement of the case; for it happened, I know +not how, that, even when she spoke only truth, her statements always +served a purpose better than mine. The effect of her adroit +representation was, that my father decided in favour of the masquerade; +observing that 'Miss Mortimer, though a very good woman, had some odd +notions, which it would not do for every body to adopt.'</p> + +<p>Thus it seemed determined that I was to enjoy the amusement upon which I +had set my heart. And yet I was not satisfied. My gay visions were no +sooner likely to be realised, than they lost half their charms. A slight +scrutiny into my own mind would have enabled me to trace the cause of +this change to a consciousness of error; but a vague anticipation of the +issue was sufficient to prevent me from entering upon the enquiry. I +therefore contented myself with attempting to impose upon my own +judgment, by asserting that, since my father was satisfied, I was at +full liberty to pursue my inclination. 'To be sure,' said Miss Arnold, +'when Mr Percy has given his permission, who else has any right to +interfere?'</p> + +<p>'And will you, my dear sir, speak of it to Miss Mortimer,' said I, +anxious to transfer that task to any one who would undertake it.</p> + +<p>'Oh, I'll manage all that,' cried Miss Arnold. 'If Mr Percy were to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> +mention the matter to Miss Mortimer, it would look as if he thought +himself accountable to her; and then there would be no end of it; for +she fancies already that she should be consulted in every thing that +concerns you,—as if Mr Percy, who has so long superintended the +greatest concerns in the kingdom, could not direct his own family +without her interference!'</p> + +<p>I believe my father, as well as myself, might have some latent +misgivings of mind, which made him not unwilling to accept of Miss +Arnold's offered services. 'I have so many important affairs to mind,' +said he, 'that I shall probably think no more of such a trifle; so I +commission you, Miss Juliet, to let Miss Mortimer know my opinion; +which, I dare say, you will do discreetly, for you seem a civil, +judicious young lady. Elizabeth, poor soul, meant all for the best; +thinking to save me a few pounds, I suppose. But you may let her know, +that what it may be very commendable in her to save is altogether below +my notice. When a man has thousands, and tens of thousands passing +through his hands every day, it gives him a liberal way of thinking. But +as for a woman, who never was mistress of a hundred pounds at a time, +what can she know of liberality?'</p> + +<p>My father had now entered on a favourite topic, the necessary connection +between riches and munificence. Miss Arnold listened respectfully, +approving by smiles, nods, and single words of assent; while I stood +wrapt in my meditations, if I may give that name to the succession of +unsightly images which conscience forced into my mind, and which I as +quickly banished. Having triumphantly convinced an antagonist who +ventured not upon opposition, my father withdrew; and left my friend and +me to consult upon our communication to Miss Mortimer.</p> + +<p>'She will be in a fine commotion,' said I, endeavouring to smile, 'when +she hears that we are going to this masquerade after all. But since you +have undertaken the business, Juliet, you may break it to her to-night, +while I am at the opera; and then the fracas will be partly over before +I come home.'</p> + +<p>'I have been just thinking,' said Miss Arnold, 'all the time that your +father was making that fine oration, that it would be wiser not to break +it to her at all. Where is the necessity for her knowing any thing of +the matter? We shall have other invitations for the same evening; so we +may go somewhere else first, and afterwards look in for an hour or two +at the ball. Nobody need know that we have been there.'</p> + +<p>'What, Juliet! would you have me steal off in that clandestine way,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> as +if I were afraid or ashamed to do what my father approves of? If I am to +act in defiance of Miss Mortimer, I will do it openly, and not slavishly +pilfer my right, as if I did not dare to assert it.'</p> + +<p>'Don't be angry, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, soothingly; 'I shall most +willingly do whatever you think best. But, for my part, I would almost +as soon give up the masquerade, as be lectured about it for the next +three weeks.'</p> + +<p>'But, to give Miss Mortimer her due,' returned I, 'she does not lecture +much.'</p> + +<p>'That is true,' replied Miss Arnold. 'But then she will look so +dolefully at us. I am sure I would rather be scolded heartily at once.'</p> + +<p>In this last sentiment, I cordially sympathised; for the silent +upbraiding of the eye is the very poetry of reproach—it addresses +itself to the imagination. 'I wish,' cried I, sighing from the very +bottom of my heart, 'that I had never heard of this ball!'</p> + +<p>'In my opinion,' said Miss Arnold, 'it would save both us and Miss +Mortimer a great deal of vexation, if she were never to hear more of +it.'</p> + +<p>'Say no more of that, Juliet,' interrupted I; 'I am determined not to +take another step in the business without her knowledge.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold was silent for a few moments; and when her voice again drew +my attention, I perceived tears in her eyes. 'Well, Ellen,' said she, +'since you are so determined, I see only one way of settling the matter +quietly. I will give my ticket to Miss Mortimer,—she can have no +objection to your going, if she be there herself to watch you.'</p> + +<p>'Never name such a thing to me, Juliet! What! leave you moping alone, +fancying all the pleasure you might have had, while I am amusing myself +abroad. I had rather never see a mask in my life!'</p> + +<p>'I should prefer any thing to bringing her ill-humour upon you,' said +Miss Arnold; 'and since you persist in telling her, I see no other way +of escape. I shall most cheerfully resign the masquerade to give you +pleasure.'</p> + +<p>'My own dear Juliet!' cried I, locking my arms round her neck, while +unbidden tears filled my eyes, 'how can you talk of giving my pleasure +by sacrificing your own, when you know that more than half the delight +in my life is to share its joys with you.' Nor were these the empty +sounds of compliment, nor even the barren expression of a passing +fervour. My purse, my ornaments, my amusements, even the assiduities of +my admirers, all on which my foolish heart was most fixed, I freely +shared with her. Yet, this same Juliet—but is it for me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span> to complain of +ingratitude?—for me, who, favoured by an all-bountiful Benefactor, +abused his gifts, despised his warnings, neglected his commands, +abhorred his intercourse! Let those who are conscious of similar demerit +cease to reproach the less flagrant baseness, which repays with evil the +feeble benefits that man bestows on man.</p> + +<p>On the present occasion, Juliet's influence prevailed with me so far, +that, before we separated, I had agreed to a compromise. I persisted, +indeed, in refusing to go clandestinely to the masquerade, but I adhered +to my purpose of going; and pledged my word, that, in order to avoid all +importunity on the subject, I would leave Miss Mortimer in ignorance of +my determination, till the very hour of its accomplishment. Miss Arnold +undertook to keep my father silent, which she performed in the most +dexterous manner; and with the more ease, because, perhaps, he was +conscious that the subject furnished materials for confession as well as +for narrative. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;"><i>—You squander freely,</i></span><br /> +<i>But have you wherewithal? Have you the fund<br /> +For these outgoings? If you have, go on;<br /> +If you have not—stop in good time, before<br /> +You outrun honesty.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Cumberland (from Diphilus).<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>In defiance of Miss Mortimer's advice, I returned Lady St Edmunds' visit +without delay. I made, indeed, some general enquiries into the character +of my new favourite; myself unwilling to hear, I learnt that she was +said to play games of chance with extraordinary skill and success; and +that she was suspected of impropriety in a point where detection is +still more fatal. It is unfortunate that prudence and self-sufficiency +are so rarely found together since he who will make no use of the wisdom +of others, certainly needs an extraordinary fund of his own. I was +predetermined to consider whatever could be advanced against Lady St +Edmunds, as the effect of malicious misrepresentation. My self-conceit +pointed me out as no improper person to stem the tide of unjustice; and, +by an admirable, though in this case an abused, provision in our nature, +my kindly feelings towards her were strengthened at once by my +intentions to serve her, and by my resentment of her supposed wrongs.</p> + +<p>Lady St Edmunds, on her part, more than met my advances. She treated me +with a distinction which I ascribed solely to the most flattering +partiality; and sought my society with an eagerness in which I suspected +no aim beyond its own gratification. Even now, when experience has +taught me to look through these fair seemings, I am convinced that her +affection was not entirely feigned; for I have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span> seldom met with a heart +so callous, as not to be touched with a transient sympathy at least, by +the honest enthusiasm of youth. In the mean time, I had the more +confidence in the disinterestedness of her regard, because I could +detect no sinister motive for her attentions. Once, and only once, she +had engaged me in play; but the stake was not large, and I rose a +winner.</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer nevertheless continued her opposition to the acquaintance, +remonstrating against it with a perseverance and warmth which +alternately surprised and provoked me. Regarding her warnings as the +voice of that cold ungenerous suspicion which I imagined to be incident +to age, I took a perverse delight in extolling the attractions of my new +friend, and in magnifying their power over me. One prophecy of my +Cassandra was impressed upon my recollection, by its containing the only +severe expression that ever my incorrigible wilfulness could exert from +the forbearing spirit of the Christian. Among other rapturous epithets, +I called Lady St Edmunds my dear enchantress. 'Well may you give her +that name,' said Miss Mortimer, 'for she is drawing you into a circle +where nothing good or holy must tread; and if you will follow her to the +tempter's own ground, you must bid farewell to better spirits. The wise +and the virtuous will one by one forsake you, until you have no guide +but such as lead to evil, and no companions but such as take advantage +of your errors, or share in your ruin.'</p> + +<p>It is astonishing, that beings formed to look forward so anxiously to +the future, when anxiety can be of no avail, should often treat it with +such perverse disregard, when foresight might indeed be useful. Will it +be believed, that, from this very conversation, I went to exhibit myself +to half the town, as Lady St Edmunds' companion, by attending her to an +auction?</p> + +<p>The sale was in consequence of an execution in the house of a lady of +high fashion; and thither of course came all those of her own rank, who +wished to be relieved of their time, their money, or their curiosity. +Lord Frederick de Burgh, who seemed the almost constant associate of his +fair relative, was of our party. Indeed I could not help observing, upon +all occasions, that his attentions to me were infinitely more +particular, since my father had announced his decision. But I regarded +that decision as final; and merely inferred, that Lord Frederick, like +Miss Arnold, perceived the safety of a flirtation, which could lead to +no consequence; or that, in the true spirit of his sex, he grew eager in +pursuit, when attainment appeared difficult.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p> + +<p>As the sale proceeded, a hundred useless toys were exposed, and called +forth a hundred vain and unlovely emotions. Curiosity, admiration, +desire, impatience, envy, and resentment, chased each other over many a +fair face; and the flush of angry disappointment, or of unprofitable +victory, stained many a cheek from whence the blush of modesty had faded +for ever. I took out my pencil to caricature a group, in which a spare +dame, whose face combined no common contrast of projection and +concavity, was darting from her sea-green eyes sidelong flames upon a +china jar, which was surveyed with complacent smiles by its round and +rosy purchaser. But my labours were interrupted, and from an amused +spectator of the scene, I was converted into a keen actor, when the +auctioneer exposed a tortoise-shell dressing-box, magnificently inlaid +with gold. Art had exhausted itself in the elegance of the pattern and +the delicacy of the workmanship. It was every way calculated to arrest +the regards of fine ladies; for, like them, it was useless and expensive +in proportion to its finery. It was put up at fifty guineas; less, as we +were assured by the auctioneer, than half its value. Rather than allow +such matchless beauty to be absolutely thrown away, I bade for the +bauble. It proved equally attractive to others, and my fair opponents +soon raised its price to seventy pounds. There for a while it made a +pause, and no one seemed inclined to go farther; but this was still far +below its value. I hesitated for a few moments; and then, in the +conviction that nobody would bid more, increased my offer. It seems I +was mistaken. The lady with whom, but for my perseverance, the prize +would have remained, measured me with a very contemptuous look, and bade +again with a composure which seemed to say, 'Does the girl fancy she can +contend with me?' This was attacking me on the weak side. I instantly +bade again. The lady coolly did the same. I, growing more warm, went on. +The lady proceeded, with smiles not quite of courtesy; till, in exchange +for my discretion, my temper, and a hundred and fifteen pounds, I had +gained the tortoise-shell dressing-box.</p> + +<p>The costly toy was already in my possession, and already every eye was +turned upon me with envy, sarcasm, or compassion, before I remembered +that it was necessary to pay for my purchase. In some perplexity I began +to search for my purse; recollecting, not without dismay, that it did +not contain above twenty guineas. I had indeed a further supply at home, +but the law of the sale required that every purchase should be paid for +upon the spot, and I was obliged to apply<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> to Lady St Edmunds for +assistance. This was the first time that ever I had found occasion to +borrow money; and I shall never forget the embarrassment which it cost +me. With a confusion which would have dearly paid for the possession of +ten thousand baubles, I, in a timid, scarcely intelligible whisper, +begged Lady St Edmunds to lend me the necessary sum, assuring her that +it should be repaid that very day. Her Ladyship at first frankly +consented to my request; but suddenly recollecting herself, declared +that she had not a guinea about her; and, without waiting for my +concurrence, called upon Lord Frederick to relieve my difficulty. Giddy +and imprudent as I was, I shrunk from incurring this obligation to Lord +Frederick. I at first positively refused his aid; and while, for a few +minutes, I sat affecting to examine my purchase, I was cordially wishing +that its materials were still in opposite hemispheres, and endeavouring +to gain courage for a petition to some other of my acquaintance.</p> + +<p>I at last fixed upon a young lady of fortune with whom I had contracted +some intimacy; and, under pretence of exhibiting my box, beckoned her +towards me, and requested her to lend me the money. With an aspect of +profound amazement, she exclaimed, 'La, my dear! how can you think of +such a thing? I have not ten pounds in the world. I never have. It is +always spent before I can lay a finger on it.'—'Indeed! I was in hopes +you were in cash just now, for I thought I observed you bid for this +box.'—'Oh, one must bid now and then for a little amusement! But I +assure you I had no thoughts of buying such a splendid affair. I must +leave that to those who have more money than they know what to do with.'</p> + +<p>I could perceive a tincture of malice in the smile which accompanied +these words; and turning from her, resumed my conversation with Lady St +Edmunds. Her Ladyship rallied me unmercifully upon what she called my +prudery; asking me, in a very audible whisper, what sort of interest I +expected Lord Frederick to exact, which made me so afraid of becoming +his debtor. Lord Frederick himself joined in the raillery; and, +laughing, offered to recommend me to an honest Jew, if I preferred such +a creditor. Their manner of treating the subject made me almost ashamed +of having refused Lord Frederick's assistance, especially as I was +certain that the obligation might be discharged in an hour. I suspected, +indeed, though I was but imperfectly acquainted with the state of my +funds, that they were insufficient for this demand; but I knew that Miss +Arnold had money, because I had divided my quarterly allowance<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> with +her, and had not since observed her to incur any serious expense. +Besides, I was convinced that my father would permit me to draw upon him +in advance, so that at all events I should be able to discharge my debt +on the following day. I therefore half playfully, half in earnest, +accepted of Lord Frederick's offered aid; and he instantly delivered the +money to me with a gallantry, which showed that a man of fashion can, +upon extraordinary occasions, be polite.</p> + +<p>When I had received the notes, I jestingly asked him what security I +should give him for their repayment? Lord Frederick took my hand, and +drawing from my finger a ring of small value, said, with more +seriousness than I expected, 'This shall be my pledge; but you must not +imagine that I shall restore it for a few paltry guineas. You may have +it again as soon as you will, on a fit occasion.' I could have dispensed +with this piece of gallantry, which was conducted too seriously for my +taste; but a lady, like a member of Parliament, must accept of no +favours if she would preserve the right of remonstrance, and I allowed +Lord Frederick to keep the ring.</p> + +<p>Soon afterwards we returned home, and I proceeded to examine the state +of my funds. I was astonished to find that my bureau did not contain +above ten pounds. I searched every drawer and concealment, wondering at +intervals what could possibly have become of my money,—a wonder, I +believe, in which the fugitive nature of guineas involves every fair +lady who keeps no exact register of their departure. Thus employed, I +was found by Miss Arnold, to whom I immediately unfolded my dilemma; +calling upon her to assist me with her recollection, as to the disposal +of my funds, and with her purse, in supply of their present deficiency. +On the first point, she was tolerably helpful to me, recalling to my +mind many expenses which I had utterly forgotten; but, in regard to the +second, she protested, with expressions of deep regret, that she could +yield me no assistance. 'You may well look astonished, dearest Ellen,' +pursued she, 'considering your noble generosity to me. But, indeed, +nothing could have happened more unfortunately. It was only yesterday +that I visited my brother, and happened to tell him what a princely +spirit you had, and how liberal you had been to me. The deuce take my +tongue for being so nimble,—but it is all your own fault, Ellen; for +you won't let me praise you to your face, and one can't always be +silent. So, just then, in came a fellow with a long bill for some vile +thing or another, and my brother bid me lend him my money that he might +settle with the creature. What could I do, you know? I could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> not +refuse. But if I had once guessed that you could possibly want it, I +should as soon have lent him my heart's blood.'</p> + +<p>I suffered the tale to conclude without interruption; for indeed I was +fully as much astonished as I looked. I had by no means understood that +my friend was upon such terms with her brother as to incline her to lend +him money; nor that he was in such circumstances as to need to borrow. A +doubt of her truth, however, never once darkened my mind. Self-love +prevented me, as it daily prevents thousands, from making the very +obvious reflection, that one who could be disingenuous with others to +serve me, might be disingenuous with me to serve herself. Miss Arnold +proceeded to reproach herself in the bitterest manner for her +improvidence in parting with the money, and seemed so heartily vexed, +that the little spleen which my disappointment had at first excited +entirely subsided; and I comforted my friend as well as I was able, by +assuring her that my father would advance whatever money I desired.</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold now, in her turn, was silent, wearing a look of grave +consideration. 'If I were in your place, Ellen,' said she, at last, 'I +don't think I would mention this matter to Mr Percy.'</p> + +<p>'Not mention it!' said I, 'why not?'</p> + +<p>'Because,' returned Miss Arnold, 'I see no end it can serve, except to +make him angry. You know his pompous notions; and, after what has +passed, I am sure he will think you borrowing money from Lord Frederick +an act of downright rebellion.'</p> + +<p>'Indeed,' returned I, 'that is very likely; but I promised to repay Lord +Frederick to-morrow; and I have no other way of obtaining the money.'</p> + +<p>'Poh! my dear, you are so punctilious about trifles! What can it +possibly signify to Lord Frederick whether he be repaid to-morrow, or +the day after?'</p> + +<p>'Why, to be sure, it cannot signify much; only, as I have given my +promise, I do not like to break it.'</p> + +<p>'Well, really, Ellen, if I were to shut my eyes, I could sometimes fancy +you had been brought up with some queer old aunt in the country. What +difference can one day make? And I am sure, by the end of the week, at +farthest, I could get the money from my brother, and settle the whole +matter peaceably. Do take my advice, and say nothing about it to your +father; he will be so angry; and you know, at the worst, you can tell +him at any time.'</p> + +<p>Had my mind been well regulated, or my judgment sound, Miss<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> Arnold's +argument would itself have defeated her purpose; and the very conviction +of my father's disliking my debt to Lord Frederick would have determined +me that it should, at all hazards, be repaid. But I was fated, in many +instances, to suffer the penalty of those perverted habits of mind, +which imposed upon me a sort of moral disability of choosing right, as +often as a choice was presented to me. Misled by an artful adviser, or +rather, perhaps, by my own inveterate abhorrence of reproof, I chose +that clandestine path, in which none can tread with peace or safety. In +this fatal decision began a long train of evil.</p> + +<p>Warned by my example, let him who is entering upon life review, with a +suspicious eye, the transactions which he is inclined to conceal from +the appointed guardians of his virtue. If the subject be of moment, let +him be wisely fearful to rely upon his own judgment;—if it be trivial, +let not concealment swell it to disastrous importance. If he have, +unfortunately, a tendency to creep through the winding covered path, let +him not strengthen by one additional act a habit so fatal to the lofty +port of honour. If, like me, he be of a frank and open nature, let him +not, to escape a transient evil, sink the light heart, and pervert the +simple purpose, and bend the erect dignity of truth. Let him who can +tread firm in conscious soundness of mind leave the stealthy course for +those to whom nature has given no better means of attaining their end. +The low and tangled way, the subtle tortuous progress, suits the base +earth-worm; let creatures of a nobler mould advance erect and steady.</p> + +<p>Having dissuaded me from using the only means of discharging my debt +without delay, Miss Arnold, like a cautious general, contented herself +with fortifying the post she had taken; and, for the present, carried +her operations no further. But, the next day, she took occasion to ask +me, with a careless air, 'whether I had written a note of excuse to Lord +Frederick?' I answered that I had not thought of it. 'You intend +writing, of course,' said Miss Arnold, with that look of decision which +has often served the purpose of argument.</p> + +<p>'Don't you think it will be rather awkward?' said I.</p> + +<p>'That you should not write, you mean?—Very awkward, indeed. And then I +am sure you ought never to lose an opportunity of writing a note, for I +know nobody who has such a talent for turning these things neatly.'</p> + +<p>The indistinct idea of impropriety which was floating in my mind was put +to flight by the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'nonchâlance'">nonchalance</ins> of Miss Arnold's manner; for,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span> when reason +and conscience are deposed from their rightful authority at home, it is +amazing how abjectly they learn to bend, not to the passions only, but +to impulse merely external. I wrote the note to Lord Frederick. My +lover, for now I may fairly call him so, contrived to reply to my billet +in such terms as, with the help of Miss Arnold's counsels, produced a +rejoinder. This again occasioned another; and notes, sonnets, epistles +in verse, and billet-doux passed between us, till the folly had nearly +assumed the form of a regular correspondence. All this was, of course, +carried on without the knowledge of my father or Miss Mortimer; and so +rapid are the inroads of evil, that I soon began to find a mysterious +pleasure in the dexterity which compassed this furtive intercourse.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, Miss Arnold was in no haste to perform her promise. +Day after day she found some excuse for not going to ask her money, or +some pretence for returning without it; and day after day she persuaded +me to wait for its restitution; till the uneasy feeling of undischarged +obligation subsided by degrees, and the natural disquiet of a debtor was +nearly lost in the giddiness of perpetual amusement.</p> + +<p>As the masked ball drew near, my eagerness for it had completely +revived. It may seem strange, considering the multitude of my frivolous +pleasures, that any single one should have awakened such ardour. But a +masquerade was now the only amusement which was new to me; and I had +already begun to experience that craving for novelty which is incident +to all who seek for happiness where it never was and never will be +found,—in bubbles which amuse the sense, but cheat the longing soul.</p> + +<p>So entirely was I occupied in anticipating my new pleasure, that I +should have had neither thought nor observation to bestow upon any other +subject, had not conscience sometimes turned my attention to Miss +Mortimer. I thought she looked ill and melancholy. Her complexion, +always delicate, had faded to a sickly hue. Her eyes were sunk and +hollow; and the jealous watchfulness of one who has given cause of +complaint, made me remark that they were often fixed sadly upon me. I +half suspected that she had discovered my intended breach of faith; and +wondered whether it were possible that my misconduct could make such an +impression upon her mind. I was relieved from this suspicion by the +frankness with which she one day lamented to me that my father, for some +reason which she could not divine, refused to permit a party to be +formed for the 5th of May. 'I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span> could have wished,' said she, 'to make +that evening pass more gaily than I fear it will. Dear Ellen, how like +you are to your mother when you blush!'</p> + +<p>'Then I am sure,' said I, 'I wish I could blush always, for there is +nobody I should like so much to resemble.'</p> + +<p>'Well,' said Miss Mortimer, 'were it not for the fear of making you +vain, I could tell you, that there is a more substantial resemblance; +for she, like you, knew how to resign her strongest inclinations in +compliance with the wishes of her friends.'</p> + +<p>This was too much. Conscience-struck, and quite thrown off my guard, I +exclaimed, 'Like me! Oh! she was no more like me, than an angel of light +is to a dark designing——' Recollecting that I was betraying myself, I +stopped.</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer turned upon me a smile so kind, so confiding, that as oft +as it rises to my memory I abhor myself. 'Nay, Ellen,' said she, 'if I +am to be your confessor lay open the sins which do really beset you; +unless, as Mr Maitland would say, you are afraid that I should have a +sinecure.'</p> + +<p>'I have a great mind,' cried I, 'to make a resolution, that I will never +do a wrong thing again without confessing it to somebody!'</p> + +<p>'The resolution would be a good one,' said Miss Mortimer, 'provided you +could rely upon the judgment and integrity of your confessor; and +provided you are sure that the pain of exposing your faults to another +will not lead you to conceal them more industriously from yourself.'</p> + +<p>'Oh! I am sure I could never do wrong without being sensible of it. But +the misfortune is, that people have not the right method of talking of +my faults. They always contrive to say something provoking. You need not +smile. It is not that I am so uncandid that I cannot endure to be +blamed; for there's Juliet often finds fault with me, and I never grow +angry.'</p> + +<p>'Well, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, 'if ever you should be inclined to +make trial of me, I promise you never intentionally to say any thing +provoking. In dexterity I shall not pretend to vie with Miss Arnold, but +in affectionate interest I will yield to none. You have a claim upon my +indulgence, which your errors can never cancel; especially as I am sure +that they will never lean towards artifice or meanness.'</p> + +<p>The heart must be callously vile, which can bear to be stabbed with the +words of abused confidence. I sprung away in search of Miss Arnold, that +I might retract my promise of concealing from Miss<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> Mortimer the affair +of the masquerade. I was met by the dress-maker, who, loaded with +parcels and band-boxes, came to fit on the attire of the fair Fatima; +and, during the hour which was consumed on this operation, the ardour of +my sincerity had cooled so far, that Miss Arnold easily prevailed on me +to let matters remain as we had first arranged them.</p> + +<p>How often, I may say how invariably, did my better feelings vanish, ere +they issued into action! But feeling is, in its very nature, transient. +It is at best the meteor's blaze, shedding strong, but momentary day; +while principle, the true principle, be it faint at first as the star +whose ray hath newly reached our earth is yet the living light of the +higher heaven; which never more will leave us in utter darkness, but +lend a steady beam to guide our way. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 11em;"><i>—There we</i></span><br /> +<i>Solicit pleasure, hopeless of success;<br /> +Waste youth in occupations only fit<br /> +For second childhood; and devote old age<br /> +To sports which only childhood could excuse.<br /> +There they are happiest who dissemble best<br /> +Their weariness; and they the most polite,<br /> +Who squander time and treasure with a smile,<br /> +Though at their own destruction.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Cowper.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>The fifth of May arrived; and never did lover, waiting the hour of +meeting, suffer more doubts and tremours than I did, lest Mrs Beetham +should <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'disappoiont'">disappoint</ins> me of my evening's paraphernalia. Although I had +ordered the dress to be at my bed-side as soon as I awoke, the faithless +mantua-maker detained it till after two o'clock; and the intermediate +hours were consumed in fits of anger, suspense, and despondency. At last +it came; and I hastened to ascertain its becomingness and effect. I knew +that Miss Mortimer was closeted with a medical friend; I had, therefore, +no interruption to fear from her. Yet I locked myself into my +dressing-room, because I could not, without constraint, allow even Miss +Arnold to witness those rehearsals of vanity, which I was not ashamed to +exhibit before Him who remembers that we are but dust. Others may smile +at this and many other instances of my folly. I look back upon them as +on the illusions of delirium, and shudder whilst I smile.</p> + +<p>I was practising before a looking-glass the attitudes most favourable to +the display of my dress and figure, when my attention<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span> was drawn by the +sound of bustle in the staircase. I opened my door to discover the cause +of the noise, and perceived some of the servants bearing Miss Mortimer, +to all appearance lifeless. In horror and alarm I sprung towards her; +and in answer to some incoherent questions, I learnt, that she had had a +long private conference with Dr ——, and that he had scarcely left the +house, when she had fainted away. A servant had hastened to recall the +surgeon, but his carriage had driven off too quickly to be overtaken.</p> + +<p>The dastardly habits of self-indulgence had so estranged me from the +very forms of sickness or of sorrow, that I now stood confounded by +their appearance; and if a menial, whose very existence I scarcely +deigned to remember, had not far excelled me in considerate presence of +mind, the world might then have lost one of its chief ornaments, and I +the glorious lesson of a Christian's life—of a Christian's death! By +means of the simple prescriptions of this poor girl, Miss Mortimer +revived. Her first words were those of thankfulness for all our cares; +her next request that she might be left alone. Recollecting my strange +attire, which alarm had driven from my mind, I felt no disinclination to +obey; but the girl, whose assistance had already been so useful, begged +for permission to remain. 'Indeed, ma'am,' said she, 'you ought not to +be left alone while you are so weak and ill.'</p> + +<p>'Oh I am weaker than a child!' cried Miss Mortimer; 'but go, my dear: I +shall not be alone! I know where the weakest shall assuredly find +strength!'</p> + +<p>The countenance of the person to whom she spoke gave signal of +intelligence; the rest stared with vacant wonder. All obeyed Miss +Mortimer's command; and I hastened to lay aside my Turkish drapery, +which, for some minutes, I had almost unconsciously been screening from +observation behind the magnitude of our fat housekeeper.</p> + +<p>As soon as I had resumed my ordinary dress, I stole back to the door of +Miss Mortimer's apartment. I listened for a while,—but all was still. I +entered softly, and beheld Miss Mortimer upon her knees, her hands +clasped in supplication; the flush of hope glowing through the tears +which yet trembled on her cheek; her eyes raised with meek confidence, +as the asking infant looks up in his mother's face. I was not +unacquainted with the attitude of devotion. <i>That</i> I might have studied +even at our theatres, where a mockery of prayer often insults both taste +and decency. I had even preserved from my childish days a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> habit of +uttering every morning a short 'form of sound words.' But the spirit of +prayer had never touched my heart; and when I beheld the signs of vital +warmth attend that which I had considered as altogether lifeless, it +seemed like the moving pictures in the gallery of Otranto, portentous of +something strange and terrible. 'Good heavens! my dear Miss Mortimer,' +exclaimed I, advancing towards her as she rose, and wiped the tears from +her eyes, 'surely something very distressing has happened to you.'</p> + +<p>'Nothing new has happened,' answered she, holding out her hand kindly +towards me; 'only I have an additional proof that I am, by nature, a +poor, timid, trustless creature.'</p> + +<p>'Ah!' cried I, 'do trust me. I can be as secret as the grave, and there +is nothing on earth I won't do to make you comfortable again.'</p> + +<p>'I thank you, dear Ellen,' answered Miss Mortimer; 'but I have no secret +to tell; and, to make me comfortable, you must minister to both body and +mind. I have long been trifling with a dangerous disorder. I have acted +in regard to it as we are wont to do in regard to the diseases of our +souls,—deceived myself as to its existence, because I feared to +encounter the cure,—and now I must submit to an operation so tedious, +so painful!'—She stopped, shuddering. I was so much shocked, that I had +scarcely power to enquire whether there were danger in the experiment. +'Some danger there must be,' said Miss Mortimer; 'but it is not the +danger which I fear. Even such cowards as I can meet that which they are +daily accustomed to contemplate. If it had been the will of Heaven, I +would rather have died than——But it is not for me to choose. Shall I +presume to reject any means by which my life may be prolonged? Often, +often have I vowed,' continued she with strong energy of manner, 'that I +would not "live to myself." And was all false and hollow? Was this but +the vow of the hypocrite, the self-deceiver?'</p> + +<p>'Oh no!' cried I, 'that is impossible. Before I knew you I might be +prejudiced. But now I see that you are always good,—always the same. +You cannot be a hypocrite.'</p> + +<p>This testimony, extorted from me by uniform, consistent uprightness, was +answered only by a distrustful shake of the head; for Miss Mortimer +habitually lent a suspicious ear to the praise of her own virtues; and +was accustomed to judge of her thoughts and actions, not by the opinion +of others, but by a careful comparison with the standard of excellence. +Tears trickled down her cheeks while she upbraided herself as one who, +having pretended to give up all, kept<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span> back a part; and even those tears +she reproached as symbols of distrust and fear, rather than of +repentance. We soon grow weary of witnessing strong feeling in which we +cannot fully sympathise. I hinted to Miss Mortimer that a short rest +would compose her spirits, and recruit her strength; and, having +persuaded her to lie down, I left her.</p> + +<p>Only a few months had passed since the fairest dream of pleasure would +have vanished from my mind at the thought that the life of the meanest +servant of our household was to hang upon the issue of a doubtful, +dangerous experiment. Only a few months had passed since the sufferings +of a friend would have banished sleep from my pillow, and joy from my +chosen delights. But intemperate pleasure is not more fatal to the +understanding than to the heart. It is not more adverse to the 'spirit +of a sound mind,' than to the 'spirit of love.' Social pleasures, call +we them! Let the name no more be prostituted to that which is poison to +every social feeling. Four months of dissipation had elapsed; and the +distress, the danger of my own friend, and my mother's friend, now made +no change in my scheme of pleasure for the evening. I was merely +perplexed how to impart that scheme to the poor invalid. Conscience, +indeed, did not fail to remind me, that to bestow this night upon +amusement was robbery of friendship and humanity; but I was unhappily +practised in the art of silencing her whispers. I assured myself that if +my presence could have been essentially useful to Miss Mortimer, I +should cheerfully have sacrificed my enjoyment to hers; but I was +certain that if I remained at home, the sight of her melancholy would +depress me so much as to make my company a mere burden. I endeavoured to +persuade myself that, after the scene of the morning, my spirits needed +a cordial; and a sudden fit of economy represented to me the impropriety +of throwing aside as useless, a dress which had cost an incredible sum. +At the recollection of this dress, my thoughts at once flew from +excusing my folly to anticipating its delights; and, in a moment, I was +already in the ball-room, surrounded with every pleasure, but those of +reason, taste, and virtue.</p> + +<p>This heartless selfishness may well awaken resentment or contempt; but +it ought not to excite surprise. The sickly child, whose helplessness +needs continual care, whose endless cravings require endless supplies, +whose incessant complainings extort incessant consolation, acquires the +undeserved partiality of his mother. The very flower which we have +cherished in the sunshine, and sheltered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> from the storm, attains, in +our regard, a value not its own; and whoever confines his cares, and his +ingenuity, to his own gratification, will find, that self-love is not +less rapid, or less vigorous in its progress, than any better affection +of the soul.</p> + +<p>All my endeavours, however, could not make me satisfied with my +determination. I therefore resorted to my convenient friend, with whose +honied words I could always qualify my self-upbraidings. I opened the +case, by saying, that I believed we should be obliged to give up the +masquerade after all; but I should have been terribly disappointed if +that opinion had passed uncontroverted. I was, however, in no danger. +Miss Arnold knew exactly when she might contradict without offence; and +did not fail to employ all her persuasion on the side where it was least +necessary. This question, therefore, was quickly settled; but another +still remained,—how were we to announce our purpose to Miss Mortimer? +With this part of the subject inclination had nothing to do; and +therefore we found this point so much more difficult to decide, that +when we were dressed, and ready to depart, the matter was still in +debate.</p> + +<p>It was, however, suddenly brought to an issue, by the appearance of Miss +Mortimer. She had remained alone in her apartment during the early part +of the evening; and now entered the drawing-room with her wonted aspect +of serene benevolence, a little 'sicklied o'er by the pale cast of +thought.' I involuntarily retreated behind Miss Arnold, who herself +could not help shrinking back. Miss Mortimer advanced towards her with +the most unconscious air of kindness. 'You are quite equipped for +conquest, Miss Arnold,' said she. 'I never saw any thing so gracefully +fantastic.' She had now obtained a view of my figure, and the truth +seemed to flash upon her at once; for she started, and changed colour.</p> + +<p>A dead silence followed, for indeed I did not dare to look up, much less +speak. Miss Arnold first recovered herself. 'Mr Percy,' said she, +endeavouring to speak carelessly, 'has given Ellen and me permission to +go out for an hour.'</p> + +<p>'Yes,' rejoined I hesitatingly, 'papa has given us leave, and we shall +only stay a very little while.'—Miss Mortimer made no answer. I stole a +glance at her, and saw that she was pale as death. I ventured a step +nearer to her. 'You are not very angry with us,' said I.</p> + +<p>'No, Miss Percy,' said she, in a low constrained voice; 'I never claimed +a right to dictate where you should or should not go. There was, +therefore, on this occasion, the less necessity for having recourse<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span> +to——'</p> + +<p>She left the sentence unfinished; but my conscience filled up the pause. +'Indeed, my dear Miss Mortimer,' said I, for at that moment I was +thoroughly humbled, 'I never meant to go without your knowledge. Miss +Arnold will tell you that we have been all day contriving how we should +mention it to you.'</p> + +<p>'Your word did not use to need confirmation,' said Miss Mortimer, +sighing heavily. 'I did hope,' continued she, 'that you would have +spared to me a part of this evening; for I have many things to say, and +this is the last——'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer stopped, cleared her throat, bit her quivering lip, and +began industriously to arrange the drapery upon my shoulder; but all +would not do,—she burst into tears. I could not withstand Miss +Mortimer's emotion, and, throwing my arms round her neck,—'My dear, +dear friend,' I cried, 'be angry with me, scold me as much as you will, +only do not grieve yourself. If I could once have guessed that you were +to be ill to-night, I should never have thought of this vile ball; and I +am sure, if it will please you, I will send away the carriage, and stay +at home still.'</p> + +<p>This proposal was perfectly sincere, but not very intelligible; for the +thought of such a sacrifice overpowered me so completely, that the last +words were choked with sobs. Miss Mortimer seemed at first to hesitate +whether she should not accept of my offer; but, after a few moments' +reflection, 'No, Ellen,' said she, 'I will not cause you so cruel a +disappointment; for surely—surely this masquerade has seized upon a +most disproportionate share of your wishes. You must soon be left to +your own discretion; and why should I impose an unavailing hardship? Go +then, my love, and be as happy as you can.'</p> + +<p>My heart leapt light at this concession. 'Dear, good, kind Miss +Mortimer,' cried I, kissing her cheek, 'do not be afraid of me. I assure +you, I shall be more discreet and prudent this evening than ever I was +in my life.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer gave me an April smile. 'This is not much like the garb of +discretion,' said she, looking at my dress, which indeed approached the +utmost limit of fashionable allurement. 'It seems time that I should +cease to advise, else I should beg of you to make some little addition +to your dress. You may meet with people, even at a masquerade, who think +that no charm can atone for any defect of modesty; and I should imagine, +that your spirit would scarcely brook the remarks they might make.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p> + +<p>'I am sure,' said I, with a blush which owed its birth as much to pique +as to shame, 'I never thought of being immodest, nor of any thing else, +except to look as well as I could; but if it will please you, I shall +get a tucker, and let you cover me as much as you will.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer good-naturedly accepted this little office; saying, while +she performed it, 'it is a good principle in dress, that the chief use +of clothing is concealment. I am persuaded, that you would never offend +in this point, were you to remember, that if ever an exposed figure +pleases, it must be in some way in which no modest woman would wish to +please.'</p> + +<p>Meanwhile Miss Arnold, who was even more impatient than myself to be +gone, had ordered the carriage to the door. Miss Mortimer took leave of +me with a seriousness of manner approaching to solemnity; and we +departed. The moment we were alone, Juliet proposed to undo Miss +Mortimer's labours, declaring that 'they had quite made a fright of me.' +Fortunately for such a world as this, the most questionable principle +may produce insulated acts of propriety. My pride for once espoused the +right side. 'Forbear, Juliet!' cried I indignantly. 'Would you have +people to look at me as they do at the very outcasts of womankind,—some +with pity, some with scorn?'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold's 'hour' had elapsed long before the concourse of carriages +would allow us to alight at Lady St Edmunds' door. On my first entrance, +I was so bewildered by the confusion of the scene, and the grotesque +figures of the masks, that I could scarcely recognise the mistress of +the revels, although we had previously concerted the dress which she was +to wear. She presently, however, relieved this dilemma, by addressing me +in character; though she was, or pretended to be, unable to penetrate my +disguise. The tinge of seriousness which Miss Mortimer had left upon my +spirits being aided by the alarm created by so many unsightly shapes, I +determined not to quit Lady St Edmunds' side during the evening; and was +just going to tell her my name in a whisper, when I was accosted by a +Grand Signior, whom, in spite of his disguise, I thought I discovered to +be Lord Frederick de Burgh. I was somewhat surprised at this coincidence +in our characters, as I had kept that in which I intended to appear a +profound secret from all but Miss Arnold, who protested that she had +never breathed it to any human being. Lord Frederick, however, for I was +convinced that it was he, addressed me as a stranger; and, partly from +the vanity of pleasing in a new character, I answered in the same +strain. We were speedily engaged in a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> conversation, in the course of +which a conviction of our previous acquaintance placed me so much at +ease with my Turk, that I felt little disturbance, when, on looking +round, I perceived that our matron had mingled with the crowd, leaving +Miss Arnold and me to his protection. I supposed, however, to my friend, +that we should go in search of Lady St Edmunds; and, still attended by +our Grand Signior, we began our round.</p> + +<p>And here let me honestly confess, that my pastime very poorly +compensated the concealment, anxiety, and remorse which it had already +cost me. Even novelty, that idol of spoilt children, could scarcely +defend me from weariness and disgust. In the more intellectual part of +my anticipated amusement I was completely disappointed; for the attempts +made to support character were few and feeble. The whole entertainment, +for the sake of which I had broken my promise, implied, if not +expressed,—for the sake of which I had given the finishing stroke to +the unkindness, ingratitude, and contumacy of my behaviour towards my +mother's friend,—amounted to nothing more than looking at a multitude +of motley habits, for the most part mean, tawdry, and unbecoming; and +listening to disjointed dialogues, consisting of dull questions and +unmeaning answers, thinly bestrown with constrained witticisms, and puns +half a century old. The easy flow of conversation, which makes even +trifles pass agreeably, was destroyed by the supposed necessity of being +smart; and the eloquence of the human eye, of the human smile, was +wanting to add interest to what was vapid, and kindliness to what was +witty. Lord Frederick, indeed, did what he could to enliven the scene. +He pointed out the persons whom he knew through their disguises; and +desired me to observe how generally each affected the character which he +found the least attainable in common life. 'That,' said he, 'is +Glendower in the dress of a conjurer. That virgin of the sun is Lady +B——, whose divorce-bill is to be before the House to-morrow. That +Minerva is Lady Maria de Burgh; and that figure next to her is Miss +Sarah Winterfield, who has stuck a flaxen wig upon her grizzled pate +that she may for once pass for a Venus.'</p> + +<p>'If I am to judge by your rule,' said I, 'you must be content to be +taken for some Christian slave, snatching a transitory greatness.'</p> + +<p>'You guess well, fair Fatima; I am indeed a slave; and these royal robes +are meant to conceal my chains from all but my lovely mistress.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Why then do you confess them so freely to me?'</p> + +<p>'Because I am persuaded that this envious mask conceals the face of my +sultana.'</p> + +<p>'No, no; by your rule I must be some stern old gouvernante, who have +locked up your sultana, and come to seize the pleasures which I deny to +her.'</p> + +<p>'Oh! here my rule is useless; for, from what I see, I can guess very +correctly what is concealed. For instance, there is first a pair of +saucy hazel eyes, sparkling through their long fringes. Cheeks of +roses——'</p> + +<p>'Pshaw! commonplace——'</p> + +<p>'Nay, not common vulgar country roses—but living and speaking, like the +roses in a poet's fancy.'</p> + +<p>'Well, that's better, go on.'</p> + +<p>'A sly, mischievous, dimple, that, Parthian-like, kills and is fled.'</p> + +<p>'You can guess flatteringly, I see.'</p> + +<p>'Yes; and truly too. Nature would never mould a form like this, and +leave her work imperfect; therefore there is but one face that can +belong to it; and that face is—Miss Percy's.'</p> + +<p>'And I think nature would never have bestowed such talents for flattery +without giving a corresponding dauntlessness of countenance; and that I +am persuaded belongs only to Lord Frederick de Burgh.'</p> + +<p>My attention was diverted from the Sultan's reply by a deep low voice, +which, seemingly close to my ear, pronounced the words, 'Use caution; +you have need of it.' I started, and turned to see who had spoken; but a +crowd of masks were round us, and I could not distinguish the speaker, I +applied to Miss Arnold and the Turk, but neither of them had observed +the circumstance. I was rather inclined to ascribe it to chance, not +conceiving that any one present could be interested in advising me; yet +the solemn tone in which the words were uttered, uniting with the +impression which, almost unknown to myself, Miss Mortimer's averseness +to my present situation had left upon my mind, I again grew anxious to +find protection with Lady St Edmunds.</p> + +<p>Being now a little more in earnest in my search, I soon discovered the +object of it, and I immediately made myself known to her. Lady St +Edmunds appeared to receive the intelligence with delighted surprise, +and reproached me kindly with having concealed myself so long; then +suddenly transferred her reproaches to herself for having, even for a +moment, overlooked my identity, 'since, however<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> disguised, my figure +remained as unique as that of the Medicean Venus.' I can smile now at +the simplicity with which I swallowed this and a hundred other +absurdities of the same kind. A superior may always apply his flattery +with very little caution, secure that it will be gratefully received; +and the young are peculiarly liable to its influence, because their +estimate of themselves being as yet but imperfectly formed, they are +glad of any testimony on the pleasing side.</p> + +<p>I kept my station for some time between Lady St Edmunds and Lord +Frederick, drinking large draughts of vanity and pleasure, till Miss +Mortimer and my unknown adviser were alike forgotten. A group of +Spaniards having finished a fandango, the Countess proposed that Lord +Frederick and I should succeed them in a Turkish dance. A faint +recollection crossed my mind of the disgust with which I had read a +description of this <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Mohametan'">Mahometan</ins> exhibition, so well suited to those whose +prospective sensuality extends even beyond the grave. I refused, +therefore, alleging ignorance as my excuse; but, as I had an absolute +passion for dancing, I offered to join in any more common kind of my +favourite exercise. Lady St Edmunds, however, insisted that, unless in +character, it would be awkward to dance at all; and that I might easily +copy the Turkish dances which I had seen performed upon the stage. These +had, so far as I could see, no resemblance to the licentious spectacles +of which I had read, excepting what consisted in the shameless attire of +the performers, in which I sincerely believe that the <i>Christian</i> +dancing-women have pre-eminence. Blessed be the providential +arrangements which make the majority of womankind bow to the restraints +of public opinion! Hardened depravity may despise them, piety may +sacrifice them to a sense of duty: but, in the intermediate classes, +they hold the place of wisdom and of virtue. They direct many a judgment +which ought not to rely on itself; they aid faltering rectitude with the +strength of numbers; for, degenerate as we are, numbers are still upon +the side of feminine decorum. Had I been unmasked, no earthly inducement +would have made me consent to this blamable act of levity; but, in the +intoxication of spirits which was caused by the adulation of my +companions, the consciousness that I was unknown to all but my tempters +induced me to yield, and I suffered Lord Frederick to lead me out. Yet, +concealed, as I fancied myself, I performed with a degree of +embarrassment which must have precluded all grace; though this +embarrassment only served to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> enhance the praises which were lavished on +me by Lord Frederick.</p> + +<p>When the dance was ended, and I was going eagerly to rejoin Lady St +Edmunds, I looked round for her in vain; but Miss Arnold, with an +acquaintance who had joined her, waited for me, and once more we set out +in search of our erratic hostess. In the course of our progress, we +passed a buffet spread with wines, ices, and sherbets. Exhausted with +the heat occasioned by the crowd, my mask, and the exercise I had just +taken, I was going to swallow an ice; when Lord Frederick, vehemently +dissuading me from so dangerous a refreshment, poured out a large glass +of champagne, and insisted upon my drinking it. I had raised it to my +lips, when I again heard the same low solemn voice which had before +addressed me. 'Drink sparingly,' it said, 'the cup is poisoned.' Looking +hastily round, I thought I discovered that the warning came from a +person in a black domino; but in his air and figure I could trace +nothing which was familiar to my recollection. My thoughts, I know not +why, glanced towards Mr Maitland; but there was no affinity whatever +between his tall athletic figure, and the spare, bending diminutive form +of the black domino.</p> + +<p>No metaphorical meaning occurring to my mind, the caution of the mask +appeared so manifestly absurd, that I concluded it to be given in jest; +and, with a careless smile, drank the liquor off. Through my previous +fatigue, it produced an immediate effect upon my spirits, which rose to +an almost extravagant height. I rattled, laughed; and, but for the +crowd, would have skipped along the chalked floors, as I again passed +from room to room in quest of Lady St Edmunds. Our search, however was +vain. In none of the crowded apartments was Lady St Edmunds to be found.</p> + +<p>In traversing one of the lobbies, we observed a closed door; Lord +Frederick threw it open, and we entered, still followed by Miss Arnold +and her companion. The room to which it led was splendidly furnished. +Like the rest of those we had seen, it was lighted up, and supplied with +elegant refreshments. But it was entirely unoccupied, and the fresh +coolness of the air formed a delightful contrast to the loaded +atmosphere which we had just quitted. Having shut out the crowd, Lord +Frederick, throwing himself on the sofa by my side, advised me to lay +aside my mask; and the relief was too agreeable to be rejected. He +himself unmasked also, and, handsome as he always undoubtedly was, I +think never saw him appear to such advantage. While Miss Arnold and her +companion busied themselves in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> examining the drawings which hung round +the room, Lord Frederick whispered in my ear a hundred flatteries, +seasoned with that degree of passion, which, according to the humour of +the hour, destroys all their power to please, or makes them doubly +pleasing. If I know myself, I never felt the slightest spark of real +affection for Lord Frederick; yet, whether it was that pleased vanity +can sometimes take the form of inclination, or whether, to say all in +Miss Mortimer's words, 'having ventured upon the tempter's own ground, +better spirits had forsaken me,' I listened to my admirer with a favour +different from any which I had ever before shown him.</p> + +<p>I even carried this folly so far as to suffer him to detain me after +Miss Arnold and her companion had quitted the room, although I began to +suspect that I could already discern the effects of the wine, which, +from time to time, he swallowed freely. Not that it appeared to affect +his intellects; on the contrary, it seemed to inspire him with +eloquence; for he pleaded his passion with increasing ardour, and +pursued every advantage in my sportive opposition, with a subtlety which +I had never suspected him of possessing. He came at length to the point +of proposing an expedition to Scotland, urging it with a warmth and +dexterity which I was puzzled how to evade. In this hour of folly, I +mentally disposed of his request among the subjects which might deserve +to be reconsidered. Meantime, I opposed the proposal with a playful +resistance, which I intended should leave my sentence in suspense, but +which I have since learnt to know that lovers prefer to more direct +victory. Lord Frederick at first affected the raptures of a successful +petitioner; and though I contrived to set him right in this particular, +his extravagance increased, till I began to wish for some less elevated +companion. He was even in the act of attempting to snatch a kiss,—for a +lord in the inspiration of champagne is not many degrees more gentle or +respectful than a clown,—when the door flew open, and admitted Lady +Maria de Burgh, Mrs Sarah Winterfield, and my black domino.</p> + +<p>Our indiscretions never flash more strongly upon our view than when +reflected from the eye of an enemy. All the impropriety of my situation +bursting upon me at once, the blood rushed in boiling torrents to my +face and neck; while Mrs Sarah, with a giggle, in which envy mingled +with triumphant detection, exclaimed, 'Bless my heart! we have +interrupted a flirtation!'—'A flirtation!' repeated Lady Maria, with a +toss expressive of ineffable disdain; while I, for the first time, +shrinking from her eye, stood burning with shame and anger.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> Lord +Frederick's spirits were less fugitive:—'Damn it!' cried he +impatiently, 'if either of you had a thousandth part of this lady's +charms, you might expect a man sometimes to forget himself; but I'll +answer for it, neither of you is in any danger. Forgive me, I beseech +you, dear Miss Percy,' continued he, turning to me: 'if you would not +make me the most unhappy fellow in England, you must forgive me.' But I +was in no humour to be conciliated by a compliment, even at the expense +of Lady Maria. 'Oh! certainly, my Lord,' returned I, glancing from him +to his sister; 'I can consider impertinence and presumption only as +diseases which run in the family.' I tried to laugh as I uttered this +sally; but the effort failed, and I burst into tears.</p> + +<p>Lord Frederick, now really disconcerted, endeavoured to soothe me by +every means in his power; while the two goddesses stood viewing us with +shrugs and sneers, and the black domino appeared to contemplate the +scene with calm curiosity. More mortified than ever by my own +imbecility, I turned from them all, uttering some impatient reflection +on the inattention of my hostess. 'She will not be so difficult of +discovery <i>now</i>,' said the black domino sarcastically; 'you will find +her with your convenient friend in the great drawing-room.' I followed +the direction of my mysterious inspector, and found Lady St Edmunds, as +he had said, in company with Miss Arnold.</p> + +<p>Angrily reproaching my friend with her unseasonable desertion, and even +betraying some displeasure against the charming Countess, I announced my +intention of returning home immediately. Lady St Edmunds endeavoured to +dissuade me, but I was inflexible; and at last Lord Frederick, who still +obsequiously attended me, offered to go and enquire for my carriage. 'I +commit my sultana to you,' said he, with an odd kind of emphasis to his +aunt. She seemed fully inclined to accept the trust; for she assailed my +ill-humour with such courteous submissions, such winning blandishments, +such novel remark, and such amusing repartee, that, in spite of myself, +I recovered both temper and spirits.</p> + +<p>Such was the fascination which she could exercise at pleasure, that I +scarcely observed the extraordinary length of time which Lord Frederick +took to execute his mission. I was beginning, however, to wonder that he +did not return, when I was once more accosted by the black domino. +'Infatuated girl!' said he, in the low impressive whisper, to which I +now began to listen with alarm, 'whither are you going?'</p> + +<p>'Home,' returned I, 'where I wish I had been an hour ago.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Are you false as well as weak?' rejoined the mask. 'You are not +destined to see home this night.'</p> + +<p>'Not see home!' repeated I, with amazement. 'What is it you mean,—or +have you any meaning beyond a teasing jest?'</p> + +<p>'I know,' replied the mask, 'that the carriage waits which conveys you +to Scotland.'</p> + +<p>I started at the odd coincidence between the stranger's intelligence and +my previous conversation with Lord Frederick. Yet a moment's +consideration convinced me, that his behaviour either proceeded from +waggery or mistake. 'Get better information,' said I, 'before you +commence fortune-teller. It is my father's carriage and servants that +wait for me.'</p> + +<p>The mask shook his head, and retreated without answering. I enquired of +Lady St Edmunds whether she knew him, but she was unacquainted with his +appearance. I was just going to relate to her the strange conversation +which he had carried on with me in an under-voice, when Lord Frederick +returned to tell me, that the carriage was at the door; adding, that he +feared he must hasten me, lest it should be obliged to drive off. +Hastily taking leave of Lady St Edmunds, Miss Arnold and I took each an +arm of Lord Frederick, and hurried down stairs.</p> + +<p>My foot was already on the step of the carriage, when I suddenly +recoiled:—</p> + +<p>'This is not our carriage?' cried I.</p> + +<p>'It is mine, which is the same thing,' said Lord Frederick.</p> + +<p>'No, no! it is not the same,' said I, with quickness; the warning of the +black domino flashing on my recollection. 'I should greatly prefer going +in my own.'</p> + +<p>'I fear,' returned Lord Frederick, 'that it will be impossible for yours +to come up in less than an hour or two.'</p> + +<p>I own, I felt some pleasure on hearing him interrupted by the voice of +my strange adviser. 'If Miss Percy will trust to me,' said he, 'I shall +engage to place her in her carriage, in one tenth part of that time.'</p> + +<p>'Trust you!' cried Lord Frederick very angrily.—'And who are you?'</p> + +<p>'Miss Percy's guard for the present,' answered the mask dryly.</p> + +<p>'Her guard!' exclaimed Lord Frederick. 'From whom?'</p> + +<p>'From you, my Lord, if you make it necessary,' retorted the stranger.</p> + +<p>'Oh mercy,' interrupted Miss Arnold, 'here will be a quarrel:—do,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span> for +heaven's sake, Ellen, let us be gone.'</p> + +<p>'Do not alarm yourself, young lady,' said the stranger, in a sarcastic +tone; 'the dispute will end very innocently. Miss Percy, let me lead you +to your carriage; or, if you prefer remaining here while I go in search +of it, for once show yourself firm, and resist every attempt to entice +you from this spot.'</p> + +<p>I embraced the latter alternative, and the stranger left us. The moment +he was gone, Miss Arnold began to wonder who the impudent officious +fellow could be, and to enquire whether we were to wait his pleasure in +the lobby for the rest of the night. She protested her belief, that I +had been infected by that precise old maid Miss Mortimer; and could by +no means imagine what was my objection to Lord Frederick's carriage. I +coldly persisted in preferring my own, though my suspicions were +staggered by the readiness with which Lord Frederick appeared to +acquiesce in my decision. Notwithstanding his impatience at the +stranger's first interference, he now treated the matter so carelessly, +that my doubts were fast giving ground, when the black domino returned, +followed by one of my servants, who informed me that my carriage was now +easily accessible.</p> + +<p>Leaving Lord Frederick to Miss Arnold, I gave my hand to my mysterious +guardian; and, curiosity mingling with a desire to show some little +return of civility, I enquired, whether he would allow me to set him +down. The stranger declined; but, offering to escort me home, took his +place by my side; giving orders to a servant in a plain but handsome +livery, that his chariot should follow him to Mr Percy's.</p> + +<p>During our drive, I was occupied in endeavouring to discover the name of +my unknown attendant, and the means by which he had gained his +intelligence. Upon the first point he was utterly impracticable. Upon +the second, he frankly declared, that having no business at the +masquerade, except to watch me and those with whom I appeared connected +for the evening, he had, without difficulty, traced all our motions; but +why he had chosen such an office he refused to discover. When he again +mentioned the intended expedition to Scotland, Miss Arnold averred that +she was lost in astonishment, and asserted her utter incredulity. I too +expressed my doubts; alleging, that Lord Frederick could not believe me +weak enough to acquiesce in such an outrage. 'As I have not the honour +of Miss Percy's acquaintance,' returned the stranger dryly, 'I cannot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> +determine, whether a specious flatterer had reason to despair of +reconciling her to a breach of propriety.' The glow of offended pride +rose to my cheek; but the carriage stopped, and I had no time to reply; +for the stranger instantly took his leave.</p> + +<p>As soon as he was gone, Miss Arnold grew more fervent in her expressions +of wonder at his strange conduct, and his more strange discovery, of +which she repeated her entire disbelief. I had no defined suspicion of +my friend, nor even any conviction of Lord Frederick's intended +treachery; but I perceived that there was something in the events of the +night which I could not unravel; and, weary and bewildered, I listened +to her without reply.</p> + +<p>We were about to separate for the night, when a servant brought me a +note which, he said, he had found in the bottom of the carriage. It was +not mine; it belonged to the stranger. 'Oh now!' cried Miss Arnold, +eagerly advancing to look at it, 'we shall discover the mystery.' But I +was not in a communicative humour; so, putting the note in my pocket, I +bade her good night more coldly than I had ever done before, and retired +to my chamber.</p> + +<p>The note was addressed to a person known to me only by character; but +one whose name commands the respect of the wise, and the love of the +virtuous. The hand-writing, I thought, was that of Mr Maitland. This +circumstance strongly excited my curiosity. But, could I take a base +advantage of the accident which empowered me to examine a paper never +meant for my inspection? The thing was not to be thought of; and I +turned my reflections to the events of the evening.</p> + +<p>Nothing agreeable attended the retrospect. Conscience, an after-wise +counsellor, upbraided me with the futility of that pleasure which I had +purchased at the price of offending my own friend, and my mother's +friend. The temptation, which in its approach had allured me with the +forms of life and joy, had passed by; and to the backward glance, seemed +all lifeless and loathsome. Unknown and concealed, I had failed to +attract the attention which was now becoming customary to me. Lady St +Edmunds, whose society had been my chief attraction to this ill-fated +masquerade, had appeared rather to shun than to seek me. Above all, the +indecorous situation in which I had been surprised by Lady Maria, and +the aspect which her malice might give to my indiscretion, haunted me, +like an evil genius, meeting my 'mind's eye' at every turn.</p> + +<p>I was glad to revert from these tormenting thoughts, to my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> speculations +concerning the black domino. I was unable to divine the motive which +could induce a stranger to interest himself in my conduct. I fancied, +indeed, that I recognised Mr Maitland's hand-writing; and thought for a +moment that he might have instigated my mysterious protector. But what +concern had Mr Maitland in my behaviour? What interest could I possibly +have excited in the composed, stately, impracticable Mr Maitland? +Besides, I was neither sure that he really was the writer of the note, +nor that its contents had any reference to me. I again carefully +examined the address, but still I remained in doubt. There could be no +<i>great</i> harm, I thought, in looking merely at the signature. I threw the +cautious glance of guilt round the room, and then ventured to convince +myself. Before I could restore the note to its folds, I had undesignedly +read a few words which roused my eager <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'curiousity'">curiosity</ins>. Almost unconscious of +what I was doing, I finished the sentence which contained them.</p> + +<p>Those who are accustomed to watch the progress of temptation, will be at +no loss to guess the issue of this ominous first step. Had I been +earnest in my resolution to pursue the right path, I ought to have put +it out of my own power to choose the wrong. As it was, I first +wished—then doubted—hesitated—ventured—and ventured farther—till +there was nothing left for curiosity to desire, or honour to forego. The +note was as follows:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>'My dear sir,—Our worthy friend, Miss Mortimer, has just now sent +to beg that I will follow her young charge to Lady St E's masked +ball, whither she has been decoyed by that unprincipled woman. I +fear there is some sinister purpose against this poor thoughtless +girl. But it is impossible for me to go. The great cause which I am +engaged to plead to-morrow must not be postponed to any personal +consideration. Will you then undertake the office which I must +refuse? Will you watch over the safety of this strange being, who +needs an excuse every moment, and finds one in every heart? She +must not, and shall not, be entrapped by that heartless Lord F. He +cannot love her. He may covet her fortune—perhaps her person too, +as he would covet any other fashionable gewgaw; but he is safe from +the witchery of her <i>naif</i> sensibility, her lovely singleness of +mind. I enclose the description which has been sent me of her +dress. Should another wear one similar, you will distinguish Miss +Percy by a peculiar elegance of air and motion. She is certainly +the most graceful of women. Or you may know her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span> by the inimitable +beauty of her arm. I once saw it thrown round her father's neck. My +dear friend, if you are not most particularly engaged, lose not a +moment. She is already among these designing people. I have told +you that I am interested in her, for the sake of Miss Mortimer; but +I did not express half the interest I feel.</p> + +<p class="blocksig"> +'Yours faithfully,<br /> +<span class="blocksig2">'H. Maitland'</span>.<br /> +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>In spite of the checks of conscience, I read this billet with +exultation. I skipped before my looking-glass; and, tossing back the +long tresses which I had let fall on my shoulders, surveyed with no +small complacency the charms which were acknowledged by the stoical Mr +Maitland. Then I again glanced over some of his expressions, wondering +what kind of interest it was that he had 'left half told.' Was it love? +thought I. But when I recollected his general manner towards me, I was, +in spite of vanity and the billet, obliged to doubt. I resolved, +however, to ascertain the point; 'and if he be readily caught,' thought +I, 'what glorious revenge will I take for all his little sly sarcasms.' +To play off a fool was nothing; that I could do every day. But the +grave, wise Mr Maitland would be so divertingly miserable, that I was in +raptures at the prospect of my future amusement.</p> + +<p>Along with this inundation of vanity, however, came its faithful +attendant, vexation of spirit. I could not doubt, that the domino would +report to his employer the events of the evening. I knew that Mr +Maitland's notions of feminine decorum were particularly strict; and I +felt almost as much chagrined by the thought of his being made +acquainted with the real extent of my indiscretion, as by the prospect +of the form which it might take in the world's eye under the colouring +of Lady Maria's malice. Harassed with fatigue, my mind tossed between +self-accusings, disappointment, curiosity, and mortification, I passed a +restless night; nor was it till late in the morning that I fell into a +feverish unquiet slumber. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Think you the soul, when this life's rattles cease,<br /> +Has nothing of more manly to succeed!<br /> +Contract the taste immortal. Learn e'en now<br /> +To relish what alone subsists hereafter.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Young<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>The next morning, on entering the breakfast-parlour, the first object +which met my eye was Miss Mortimer, in a travelling dress. +Notwithstanding our conversation on the preceding day, the consciousness +of having done amiss made me ascribe her departure, or at least the +suddenness of it, to displeasure against me; and, 'soon moved with touch +of blame,' I would not deign to notice the circumstance, but took my +place at the breakfast-table in surly silence. Our meal passed gloomily +enough. I sat trying to convince myself that Miss Mortimer was +unreasonably offended; my father wrinkled his dark brows till his eyes +were scarcely visible; Miss Arnold fidgeted upon her chair; and Miss +Mortimer bent over her untasted chocolate, stealing up her fingers now +and then to arrest the tear ere it reached her cheek.</p> + +<p>'Truly, Miss Mortimer,' said my father at last, 'I must say I think it a +little strange that you should leave us so suddenly, before we have had +time to provide a person to be with Ellen.' This speech, or the manner +in which it was spoken, roused Miss Mortimer; for she answered with a +degree of spirit which broke upon the meekness of her usual manner like +summer lightning on the twilight. 'While I had a hope of being useful to +Miss Percy,' said she, 'I was willing to doubt of the necessity for +leaving her; but every such hope must end since it is judged advisable +to use concealment with me. Besides, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> am now fully aware of my +situation. Dr —— has told me that any delay will be fatal to all +chance of success.'</p> + +<p>'Well,' said my father, 'every one is the best judge of his own affairs; +but my opinion is that you had better have staid where you are. You +might have had my family surgeon to attend you when you chose, without +expense. I take it your accommodations would have been somewhat +different from what you can have in that confined hovel of yours.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer shook her head. 'I cannot doubt your liberality, sir,' +said she; 'but the very name of home compensates many a want; and I find +it is doubly dear to the sick and the dying.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer's last words, and the sound of her carriage as it drove to +the door, brought our comfortless meal to a close; and, in a mood +between sorrow and anger, I retreated to a window, where I stood gazing +as steadfastly into the street, as if I had really observed what was +passing there. I did not venture to look round while I listened to Miss +Mortimer's last farewell to my father; and I averted my face still more +when she drew near and took the hand which hung listless by my side. +'Ellen,' said her sweet plaintive voice, 'shall we not part friends?'</p> + +<p>I would have given the universe at that moment for the obduracy to utter +a careless answer; but it was impossible:—so I stretched my neck as if +to watch somewhat at the farther end of the street, though in truth my +eyes were dim with tears more bitter than those of sorrow. Miss Mortimer +for a while stood by me silent, and when she spoke, her voice was broken +with emotion. 'Perhaps we may meet again,' whispered she, 'if I live, +perhaps. I know it is in vain to tell you now that you are leaning on a +broken reed; but if it should pierce you—if worldly pleasures fail +you—if you should ever long for the sympathy of a faithful heart, will +you think of me, Ellen? Will you remember your natural, unalienable +right over her whom your mother loved and trusted?'</p> + +<p>I answered not. Indeed I could not answer. My father and Miss Arnold +were present; and, in the cowardice of pride, I could not dare the +humiliation of exposing to them the better feeling which swelled my +heart to bursting,—I snatched my hand from the grasp of my friend,—my +only real friend,—darted from her presence, and shut myself up alone.</p> + +<p>By mere accident the place of my refuge was my mother's parlour. All was +there as she had left it; for when the other apartments were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span> new +modelled to the fashion of the day, I had rescued hers from change. +There lay the drawing-case where she had sketched flowers for me. There +was the work-box where I had ravelled her silks unchidden. There stood +the footstool on which I used to sit at her feet; and there stood the +couch on which at last the lovely shadow leaned, when she was wasting +away from our sight. 'Oh mother, mother!' I cried aloud; 'mother who +loved me so fondly, who succoured me with thy life! is this my gratitude +for all thy love! Thou hadst one friend, one dear and true to thee; and +I have slighted, abused, driven her from me, sick and dying! Oh why +didst thou cast away thy precious life for such a heartless, thankless +thing as I am!'</p> + +<p>My well-deserved self-reproach was interrupted by something that touched +me. It was poor Fido; who, laying his paw upon my knee, looked up in my +face, and gave a short low whine, as if enquiring what ailed me? 'Fido! +poor Fido!' said I, 'what right have I to you?—you should have been +Miss Mortimer's. She would not misuse even a dog of my mother's. Go, +go!' I continued, as the poor creature still fawned on me; 'all kindness +is lost upon <i>me</i>. Miss Mortimer better deserves to have the only living +memorial of her friend.'</p> + +<p>The parting steps of my neglected monitress now sounded on my ear as she +passed to the carriage; and, catching my little favourite up in my arms, +I sprang towards the door. 'I will bid her keep him for my mother's +sake,' thought I, 'and ask her too, for my mother's sake, to pardon me.' +My hand was on the lock, when I heard Miss Arnold's voice, uttering, +unmoved, a cold parting compliment; and I was not yet sufficiently +humbled to let her witness my humiliation. I did not dare to meet the +stoical scrutiny of her eye, and hastily retreated from the door. After +a moment's hesitation I pulled the bell, and a servant came, 'Take that +dog to Miss Mortimer,' said I, turning away to hide my swollen eyes, +'and tell her I beg as a particular favour that she will carry him away +with her—he has grown intolerably troublesome.' The man stood staring +in inquisitive surprise; for all the household knew that Fido was my +passion. 'Why don't you do as you are desired?' cried I, impatiently. +The servant disappeared with my favourite; I listened till I heard the +carriage drive off; then threw myself on my mother's couch, and wept +bitterly.</p> + +<p>But the dispositions which mingled with my sorrow foreboded its +transient duration. My faults stood before me as frightful +apparitions,—objects of terror, not of examination; and I hastened to +shut them from my offended sight. I quickly turned from reproaching my +own<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span> persevering rejection of Miss Mortimer's counsels, to blame her +method of counselling. Why would she always take such a timid, +circuitous way of advising me? If she had told me directly that she +suspected Lord Frederick of wishing to entrap me at that odious +masquerade, I was sure that I should have consented to stay at home; and +I repeated to myself again and again, that I was sure I should,—as we +sometimes do in our soliloquies, when we are not quite so sure as we +wish to be.</p> + +<p>Glad to turn my thoughts from a channel in which nothing pleasurable was +to be found, I now reverted to the incidents of the former evening. But +there, too, all was comfortless or obscure. The situation in which I had +been surprised by Lady Maria was gall and wormwood to my recollection. I +could neither endure nor forbear to anticipate the form which the +ingenuity of hatred might give to the story of my indiscretion; and, +while I pictured myself already the object of sly sarcasm,—of direct +reproach,—of insulting pity,—every vein throbbed feverishly with proud +impatience of disgrace, and redoubled hatred of my enemy. In the tumult +of my thoughts, a wish crossed my mind, that I had once sheltered myself +from calumny, and inflicted vengeance on my foe, by consenting to +accompany Lord Frederick to Scotland; but this was only the thought of a +moment; and the next I relieved my mind from the crowd of tormenting +images which pressed upon it, by considering whether my lover had really +meditated a bold experiment upon my pliability, or whether my masquerade +friend had been mistaken in his <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'intellignce'">intelligence</ins>. Finding myself unable to +solve this question, I went to seek the assistance of Miss Arnold. I was +told she <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'was was'">was</ins> abroad; and, after wondering a little whither she could +have gone without acquainting me, I ordered the carriage, and went to +escape from my doubts, and from myself, by a consultation with Lady St +Edmunds.</p> + +<p>Her Ladyship's servant seemed at first little inclined to admit me; but +observing that a hackney coach moved from the door to let my barouche +draw up, I concluded that my friend was at home, and resolutely made my +way into the house. The servant, seeing me determined, ushered me into a +back drawing-room; where, after waiting some time, I was joined by Lady +St Edmunds. She never received me with more seeming kindness. She +regretted having been detained from me so long; wondered at the +stupidity of her domestics in denying her at any time to me; and thanked +me most cordially for having made good my entrance. In the course of our +conversation, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> related, so far as it was known to me, the whole story +of the mask; and ended by asking her opinion of the affair. She listened +to my tale with every appearance of curiosity and interest; and, when I +paused for a reply, declared, without hesitation, that she considered +the whole interference and behaviour of my strange protector as a jest. +I opposed this opinion, and Lady St Edmunds defended it; till I +inadvertently confessed that I had private reasons for believing him to +be perfectly serious. Her Ladyship's countenance now expressed a lively +curiosity, but I was too much ashamed of my 'private reasons' to +acknowledge them; and she was either too polite to urge me, or confident +of gaining the desired information by less direct means.</p> + +<p>Finding me assured upon this point, she averred that the information +given by my black domino, if not meant in jest, must at least have +originated in mistake. 'These prying geniuses,' said she, 'will always +find a mystery, or make one. But of this I am sure, Frederick has too +much of your own open undesigning temper to entrap you; even though,' +added she, with a sly smile, 'he were wholly without hopes from +persuasion.' I was defending myself in some confusion from this attack, +when Lady St Edmunds interrupted me by crying out, 'Oh I can guess now +how this mystery of yours has been manufactured! I have this moment +recollected that Frederick intended setting out early this morning for +Lincolnshire. Probably he might go the first stage in the carriage which +took him home from the ball; and your black domino having discovered +this circumstance, has knowingly worked it up into a little romance.'</p> + +<p>Glad to escape from the uneasiness of suspicion, and perhaps from the +necessity of increasing my circumspection, I eagerly laid hold on this +explanation, and declared myself perfectly satisfied; but Lady St +Edmunds, who seemed anxious to make my conviction as complete as +possible, insisted on despatching a messenger to enquire into her +nephew's motions.</p> + +<p>She left the room for this purpose; and I almost unconsciously began to +turn over some visiting cards which were strewed on her table. One of +them bore Miss Arnold's name, underneath which this sentence was written +in French: 'Admit me for five minutes; I have something particular to +say.' These words were pencilled, and so carelessly, that I was not +absolutely certain of their being Miss Arnold's hand-writing. I was +still examining this point, when Lady St Edmunds returned; and, quite +unsuspectingly, I showed her the card; asking her smiling, 'What was +this deep mystery of Juliet's?'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span></p> + +<p>'That?' said Lady St Edmunds;—'oh, that was—a—let me see—upon my +word, I have forgotten what it was—a consultation about a cap, or a +feather, or some such important affair—I suppose it has lain on that +table these six months.'</p> + +<p>'Six months!' repeated I simply. 'I did not know that you had been so +long acquainted.'</p> + +<p>'How amusingly precise you are!' cried Lady St Edmunds, laughing. 'I did +not mean to say exactly six times twenty-nine days and six hours, but +merely that the story is so old that I have not the least recollection +of the matter.'</p> + +<p>She then immediately changed the subject. With a countenance full of +concern, and with apologies for the liberty she took, she begged that I +would enable her to contradict a malicious tale which, she said, Lady +Maria de Burgh had, after I left the masquerade, half-hinted, half-told, +to almost every member of the company. Ready to weep with vexation, I +was obliged to confess that the tale was not wholly unfounded; and I +related the affair as it had really happened. Lady St Edmunds lifted her +hands and eyes, ejaculating upon the effects of malice and envy in such +a manner, as convinced me that my indiscretion had been dreadfully +aggravated in the narration; but when I pressed to know the particulars, +she drew back, as if unwilling to wound me further, and even affected to +make light of the whole affair. She declared that, being now acquainted +with the truth, she should find it very easy to defend me:—'At all +events,' added she, 'considering the terms on which you and Frederick +stand with each other, nobody, except an old prude or two, will think +the matter worth mentioning.' I was going to protest against this ground +of acquittal, when the servant came to inform his mistress aloud, that +Lord Frederick had set out for Lincolnshire at five o'clock that +morning. This confirmation of Lady St Edmunds' conjecture entirely +removed my suspicions; and convinced me, that my black domino, having +executed his commission with more zeal than discernment, had utterly +mistaken Lord Frederick's intentions.</p> + +<p>Some other visiters being now admitted, I left Lady St Edmunds, and +ordered my carriage home, intending to take up Miss Arnold before I +began my usual morning rounds. At the corner of Bond Street, the +overturn of a heavy coal-waggon had occasioned considerable +interruption; and, while one line of carriages passed cautiously on, +another was entirely stopped. My dexterous coachman, experienced in +surmounting that sort of difficulty, contrived to dash<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> into the moving +line. As we slowly passed along, I thought I heard Miss Arnold's voice. +She was urging the driver of a hackney coach to proceed, while he +surlily declared, 'that he would not break his line and have his wheels +torn off to please anybody.' The coach had in its better days been the +property of an acquaintance of mine, whose arms were still blazoned on +the panel; and this circumstance made me distinctly remember, that it +was the same which I had seen that morning at Lady St Edmunds' door.</p> + +<p>On observing me, Miss Arnold at first drew back; but presently +afterwards looked out, and nodding familiarly, made a sign for me to +stop and take her into my barouche. I obeyed the signal; but not, I must +own, with the cordial good-will which usually impelled me towards Miss +Arnold. My friend's manner, however, did not partake of the restraint of +mine. To my cold enquiry, 'where she had been,' she answered, with ready +frankness, that she had been looking at spring silks in a shop at the +end of the street. In spite of the manner in which this assertion was +made, I must own that I was not entirely satisfied of its truth. The +incident of the hackney-coach, and the words which I had seen written on +the card, recurring together to my mind, I could not help suspecting +that Miss Arnold had paid Lady St Edmunds a visit which was intended to +be kept secret from me. Already out of humour, and dispirited, I +admitted this suspicion with unwonted readiness; and, after conjecturing +for some moments of surly silence, what could be the motive of this +little circumvention, I bluntly asked my friend, whether she had not +been in Grosvenor Square that morning?</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold reddened. 'In Grosvenor Square!' repeated she. 'What should +make you think so?'</p> + +<p>'Because the very carriage from which you have just alighted I saw at +Lady St Edmunds' door not half an hour ago.'</p> + +<p>'Very likely,' retorted my friend, 'but you did not see me in it, I +suppose.'</p> + +<p>I owned that I did not, but mentioned the card, which was connected with +it in my mind; confessing, however, simply enough, that Lady St Edmunds +denied all recollection of it. Miss Arnold now raised her handkerchief +to her eyes. 'Unkind Ellen!' said she, 'what is it you suspect? Why +should I visit Lady St Edmunds without your knowledge? But, since +yesterday, you are entirely changed,—and, after seven years of faithful +friendship——' She stopped, and turned from me as if to weep.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span></p> + +<p>I was uneasy, but not sufficiently so to make concessions. 'If my manner +is altered, Juliet,' said I, 'you well know the cause of the change. Was +it not owing to you that I was so absurdly committed to the malice of +that hateful Lady Maria? And now there is I know not what of mystery in +your proceedings that puts me quite out of patience.'</p> + +<p>'Yes, well I know the cause,' answered Miss Arnold, as if still in +tears. 'Your generous nature would never have punished so severely an +error of mere thoughtlessness, if that cruel Miss Mortimer had not +prejudiced you against me. She is gone indeed herself; but she has left +her sting behind. And I must go too!' continued Miss Arnold, sobbing +more violently. 'I could have borne any thing, except to be suspected.'</p> + +<p>My ungoverned temper often led me to inflict pain, which, with a +selfishness sometimes miscalled good nature, I could not endure to +witness. Entirely vanquished by the tears of my friend, I locked my arms +round her neck, assured her of my restored confidence; and, as friends +of my sex and age are accustomed to do, offered amends for my transient +estrangement in a manner more natural than wise, by recanting aloud +every suspicion, however momentary, which had formerly crossed my mind. +A person of much less forecast than Miss Arnold might have learned from +this recantation where to place her guards for the future.</p> + +<p>My friend heard me to an end, and then with great candour confessed, +what she could not now conceal, that Lord Frederick had her wishes for +his success; but she magnanimously forgave my imagining, even for a +moment, that she could condescend to assist him; and appealed to myself, +what motive she could have for favouring his suit, except the wish of +seeing me rise to a rank worthy of me. She then justified herself from +any clandestine transaction with Lady St Edmunds, giving me some very +unimportant explanation of the card which had perplexed me.</p> + +<p>It is so painful to suspect a friend, and I was so accustomed to shun +pain by all possible means, that I willingly suffered myself to be +convinced; and harmony being restored by Miss Arnold's address, we +engaged ourselves in shopping and visiting till it was time to prepare +for the pleasures of the night. My spirits were low, and my head ached +violently; but I had not the fortitude to venture upon a solitary +evening. From the dread of successful malice,—from the recollection of +abused friendship,—in a word, from myself,—I fled, vainly fled, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> +the opera, and three parties; from whence I returned home, more languid +and comfortless than ever.</p> + +<p>I had just retired to my apartment, when a letter was brought me which +Miss Mortimer had left, with orders that it might be delivered when I +retired for the night. 'Oh mercy!' cried I, 'was I not wretched enough +without this new torment? But give it me. She has some right to make me +miserable.' In this spirit of penance I dismissed my maid, and began to +read my letter, which ran as follows:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>'When you read this letter, my dear Ellen, one circumstance may +perhaps assist its influence. My counsels, however received, +whether used or rejected, are now drawing to a close; and you may +safely grant them the indulgence we allow to troubles which will +soon cease to molest us. I know not how far this consideration may +affect you, but I cannot think of it without strong emotion. I have +often and deeply regretted that my usefulness to you has been so +little answerable to my wishes; yet, with the sympathy which rivets +our eyes on danger which we cannot avert, I would fain have +lingered with you still; watching, with the same painful +solicitude, the approach of evils, which I in vain implored you to +avoid. But it must not be. Aware of my situation, I dare not trifle +with a life which is not mine to throw away. I must leave you, my +dearest child, probably for ever. I must loosen this last hold +which the world has on a heart already severed from all its +earliest affections. And can I quit you without one last effort for +your safety;—without once again earnestly striving to rouse your +watchfulness, ere you have cast away your all for trifles without +use or value?</p> + +<p>'Ellen, your mother was my first friend. We grew up together. We +shared in common the sports and the improvements of youth; and +common sorrows, in maturer life, formed a still stronger bond. Yet +I know not if my friend herself awakened a tenderness so touching, +as that which remembrance mingles with my affection for you, when +your voice or your smile reminds me of what she was in her short +years of youth and joy. Nor is it only in trifles such as these +that the resemblance rises to endear you. You have your mother's +simplicity and truth,—your mother's warm affections,—your +mother's implicit confidence in the objects of her love. This last +was indeed the shade, perhaps the only shade of her character. But +she possessed that "alchemy divine" which could transform even her +dross into gold; and what might have been her weakness <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span>became her +strength, when she placed her supreme regards upon excellence +supreme. The nature of your affections also seems to give their +object, whatever it be, implicit influence with you; and thus it +becomes doubly important that they be worthily bestowed. It is this +which has made me watch, with peculiar anxiety, the channels in +which they seemed inclined to flow; and lament, with peculiar +bitterness, that a propensity capable of such glorious application +should be lost, or worse than lost to you.</p> + +<p>'These, however, are subjects upon which you have never permitted +me to enter. You have repelled them in anger; evaded them in sport; +or barred them at once as points upon which you were determined to +act, I must not say to judge, for yourself. If, indeed, you would +have used your own judgment, one unpleasing part of this letter +might have been spared; for surely your unbiased judgment might +show you the danger of some connections into which you have +entered. It might remind you, that the shafts of calumny are seldom +so accurately directed, as not to glance aside from their chief +mark to those who incautiously approach; that those whom it has +once justly or unjustly suspected, the world views with an eye so +jaundiced as may discolour even the most innocent action of their +willing associate. Even upon these grounds I think your judgment, +had it been consulted, must have given sentence against your +intimacy with Lady St Edmunds. But these are not all. Persons who +know her Ladyship better than I pretend to do, represent her as a +mixture, more common than amiable, of improvidence in the selection +of her ends, with freedom in the choice, and dexterity in the use +of the means which she employs; in short (pardon the severity of +truth), as a mixture of imprudence and artifice. My dearest girl, +what variety of evil may not result to you from such a connection! +Whatever may be my suspicions, I am not prepared to assert that +Lady St Edmunds has any sinister design against you. Your manifest +indifference towards her nephew makes me feel more security on the +point where I should otherwise have dreaded her influence the most. +But I am convinced, that the mere love of manœuvring becomes in +itself a sufficient motive for intrigue, and is of itself +sufficient to endanger the safety of all who venture within its +sphere. The frank and open usually possess an instinct which, +independently of caution, repels them from the designing. I must +not name to you that unhappy trait in your character, by which this +instinct has been made unavailing to you;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span> by which the artful wind +themselves into your confidence, and the heartless cheat you of +your affection. Has not the ceaseless incense which Miss Arnold +offers blinded you to faults, which far less talent for observation +than you possess might have exposed to your knowledge and to your +disdain? Do not throw aside my letter with indignation; but, if the +words of truth offend you, consider that from me they will wound +you no more; and pardon me, too, when I confess, that, in despair +of influencing you upon this point, I have entreated your father +not to renew his invitation to Miss Arnold, but rather to +discourage, by every gentle and reasonable means, an intimacy so +eminently prejudicial to you.</p> + +<p>'And now I think I see you raise your indignant head; and, with the +lofty scorn of baseness which I have so often seen expressed in +your countenance and mien, I hear you exclaim, "Shall I desert my +earliest friend!—repay with cold ingratitude her long-tried, +ardent attachment?" Your indignation, Ellen, is virtuous, but +mistaken. If Miss Arnold's attachment be real, she has a claim to +your gratitude, indeed; but not to your intimacy, your confidence, +your imitation. These are due to far other qualifications. But are +you sure, Ellen, that the warm return you make to Miss Arnold's +supposed affection is itself entirely real? Are you sure, that it +is not rather the form under which you choose to conceal from +yourself, that her adulation is become necessary to you? Before you +indignantly repel this charge, ask your own heart, whether you are, +in every instance, thus grateful for disinterested love? Is there +not a friend of whose love you are regardless?—whose counsels you +neglect?—whose presence you shun?—from whom you withhold your +trust, though the highest confidence were here the highest +wisdom?—whom you refuse to imitate, though here the most imperfect +imitation were glorious? You exchange your affection, and all the +influence which your affection bestows, for a mere shadow of +good-will. The very dog that fawns upon you, is caressed with +childish fondness. Oh, Ellen, does it never strike you with strong +amazement to reflect, that you are sensible to every love but that +which is boundless? grateful for every kindness but that which is +wholly undeserved—wholly beyond return? Is nothing due to an +unwearied friend? Is it fitting, that one who lives, who enjoys so +much to sweeten life, by the providence, the bounty, the +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'forebearance'">forbearance</ins> of a benefactor, should live to herself alone? Yet ask +your own conscience, what part of your plan of life, or rather, +since<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> I believe your life is without a plan, which of your habits +is inspired by gratitude. Dare to be candid with yourself, and +though the odious word will grate upon your ear, enquire whether +selfishness be not rather your chosen guide;—whether you be not +selfish in your pursuit of pleasure;—selfish in your fondness for +the flatterer who soothes your vanity,—selfish in the profuse +liberality with which you vainly hope to purchase an affection +which it is not in her nature to bestow,—selfish even in the +relief which you indiscriminately lavish on every complainer whose +cry disturbs you on your bed of roses. Is this the temper of a +Christian—of one "who is not her own, but is bought with a price?" +Consider this awful price, and how will your own conduct change in +your estimation? How will you start as from a fearful dream, when +you remember, that of this mighty debt you have hitherto lived +regardless? How will you then abhor that pursuit of selfish +pleasure which has hitherto alienated your mind from all that best +deserves your care,—blasted the very sense by which you should +have perceived the excellence of your benefactor,—diverted your +regards from the deeper and deeper death which is palsying your +soul; and closed your ear against the renovating voice which calls +you to arise and live? This voice, once heard, would exalt your +confiding temper to the elevations of faith,—ennoble your careless +generosity to the self-devotion of saints and martyrs,—your warmth +of affection, now squandered on the meanest of objects, to the love +of God. The true religion once received, would change the whole +current of your hopes and fears;—would ennoble your desires, +subdue passion, humble the proud heart, overcome the world. But you +will not give her whereon to plant her foot; for where, amidst the +multitude of your toys, shall religion find a place? Oh, why should +we, by continual sacrifice, confirm our natural idolatry of created +things? Why fill, with the veriest baubles of this unsubstantial +scene, hearts already too much inclined to exclude their rightful +possessor? The pursuit of selfish pleasure is indeed natural, for +self is the idol of fallen man; but the great end of his present +state of being is to prostrate that idol before the Supreme. The +stony Dagon bows unwillingly, but bow he must. Our heavenly Father, +though a merciful, is not a fond or partial parent; and the same +lot is more or less the portion of us all. He has freely given. He +has done more; he has warned us of the real uses of his gifts. +Perverse by nature, we abuse his bounty. Again,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> he exhorts us by +the ministry of his servants; and often graciously sweetens his +warnings, by conveying them in the voice of partial friendship, or +parental love. We reject counsel; and the father unwillingly +chastises. He withdraws the gifts which we have perverted, or +suffers them to become themselves the punishment of their own +abuse. If kindness cannot touch, nor exhortation move, nor warning +alarm, nor chastisement reclaim, what other means can be employed +with a moral being: What remains but the fearful sentence, "He is +joined to his idols; let him alone." Oh, Ellen, my blood freezes at +the thought that such a sentence may ever go forth against you. +Rouse you, dear child of my love,—rouse you from your ill-boding +security. Tremble, lest you already approach that state where mercy +itself assumes the form of punishment. You have hitherto lived to +yourself alone. Now venture to examine this god of your +idolatry;—for the being whose pleasure and whose honour you seek, +is your god, call it by what name you will. See if it be worthy to +divide even your least service with Him who, infinite in goodness, +accepts the imperfect,—showers his bounty on the +unprofitable,—and opens, even to the rebel, the arms of a +father!—who meets your offences with undesired pardon, and +anticipates your wants with offers of himself! Think you that this +generous love could lay on you a galling yoke? I know that, though +you should distrust my judgment, you will credit my testimony; and +I solemnly protest to you, that I have found his service to be +"perfect freedom." He exalts my joys as gifts of his bounty; He +blesses my sorrows as tokens of his love; He lightens my duties by +honouring them, poor as they are, with his acceptance; and even the +pang with which I feel and own myself a lost sinner is sweetened by +remembrance of that mercy which came to seek and to save me, +<i>because</i> I was lost. These are my pleasures; and I know that they +can counterbalance poverty, and loneliness, and pain. Your +pleasures too I have tried; and I know them to be cold, fleeting, +and unsubstantial, as the glories of a winter sky. Oh for the +eloquence of angels, that I might persuade you to exchange them for +the real treasure! Yet vain were the eloquence of angels, if the +"still small voice" be wanting, which alone can speak to the heart. +I may plead, and testify, and entreat; but is aught else within my +power?—Yes,—I will go and pray for you.</p> + +<p class="blocksig"> +'<span class="smcap">E. Mortimer.</span>'<br /> +</p></blockquote> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>He had the skill, when cunning's gaze would seek<br /> +To probe his heart, and watch his changing cheek,<br /> +At once the observer's purpose to espy,<br /> +And on himself roll back his scrutiny.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Lord Byron.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>My friend's letter cost me a whole night's repose. I could not read +without emotion the expressions of an affection so ill repaid,—an +affection now lost to me for ever. A thousand instances of my +ingratitude forced themselves upon my recollection; and who can tell the +bitterness of that pity which we feel for those whom we have injured, +when we know that our pity can no longer avail? The mild form of Miss +Mortimer perpetually rose to my fancy. I saw her alone in her solitary +dwelling, suffering pain which was unsoothed by the voice of sympathy, +and weakness which no friend was at hand to sustain. I saw her weep over +the wounds of my unkindness, and bless me, though 'the iron had entered +into her soul!'—'But she shall not weep,—she shall not be alone and +comfortless,' I cried, starting like one who has taken a sudden +resolution: 'I will go to her. I will show her, that I am not altogether +thankless. I will spend whole days with her. I will read to her,—sing +to her,—amuse her a thousand ways. To-morrow I will go—no—to-morrow I +am engaged at Lady G.'s,—how provoking! and the day after, we must dine +with Mrs Sidney,—was ever any thing so unfortunate? However, some day +soon I will most certainly go.' So with this opiate I lulled the most +painful of my self-upbraidings.</p> + +<p>That part of the letter which related to my chosen associates, was not +immediately dismissed from my mind. Had no accident awakened<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span> my +suspicions, I should have indignantly rejected my friend's insinuations, +or despised them as the sentiments of a narrow-minded though +well-intentioned person; but now, my own observation coming in aid of +her remonstrances, I was obliged to own that they were not wholly +unfounded. I received them, however, as a <i>bon vivant</i> does the advice +of his physician. He is told that temperance is necessary; and he +assents, reserving the liberty of explaining the term. I was convinced +that it was advisable to restrain my intimacy with Lady St Edmunds; I +resolved to be less frank in communicating my sentiments, less open in +regard to my affairs; and this resolution held, till the next time it +was exposed to the blandishments of Lady St Edmunds. As to Miss Arnold, +her faults, like my own, I could review only to excuse them; or rather, +they entered my mind only to be banished by some affectionate +recollection. Whatever has long ministered to our gratification, is at +last valued without reference to its worth; and thus I valued Juliet. +Nay, perhaps my perverted heart loved her the more for her deficiency in +virtues, which must have oppressed me with a painful sense of +inferiority. In short, 'I could have better spared a better' person. +But, amidst my present 'compunctious visitings,' I thought of atoning +for my former rebellions by one heroic act of submission. I resolved +that, in compliance with Miss Mortimer's advice, I would refrain from +urging my father to detain Miss Arnold as an inmate of the family. I +was, however, spared this effort of self-command. The termination of +Miss Arnold's visit was never again mentioned, either by herself, or by +my father. In fact, she had become almost as necessary to him as to me; +and I have reason to believe, that he was very little pleased with Miss +Mortimer's interference on the subject.</p> + +<p>But the more serious part of my friend's letter was that which +disquieted me the most. The darkness of midnight was around me. The +glittering baubles which dazzled me withdrawn for a time, I saw, not +without alarm, the great realities which she presented to my mind. I +could not disguise from myself the uselessness of my past life; and I +shrunk under a confused dread of vengeance. In the silence, in the +loneliness of night,—without defence against that awful voice which I +had so often refused to hear,—I trembled, as conscience loudly +reproached me with the bounties of my benefactor, and the ingratitude +with which they were repaid. A sense of unworthiness wrung from me some +natural tears of remorse; a sense of danger produced some vague desires +of reformation; and this, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> fancied, was repentance. How many useless +or poisonous nostrums of our own compounding do we call by the name of +the true restorative!</p> + +<p>But though false medicines may assume the appellation, and sometimes +even the semblance of the real, they cannot counterfeit its effects. The +cures which they perform are at best partial or transient,—the true +medicine alone gives permanent and universal health. I passed the night +under the scourge of conscience; and the strokes were repeated, though +at lengthening intervals, for several days. I was resolved, that I would +no longer be an unprofitable servant; that I would devote part of my +time and my fortune to the service of the Giver; that I would earn the +gratitude of the poor,—the applauses of my own conscience,—the +approbation of Heaven! Of the permanence of my resolutions,—of my own +ability to put them in practice,—it never entered my imagination to +doubt. I remembered having heard my duties summed up in three +comprehensive epithets, 'sober, righteous, and godly.' To be 'righteous' +was, I thought, an injunction chiefly adapted to the poor. In the +limited sense which I affixed to the command, the rich had no temptation +to break it; at all events I did not,—for I defrauded no one. 'Godly' I +certainly intended one day or other to become; but for the present I +deferred fixing upon the particulars of this change. It was better not +to attempt too much at once,—so I determined to begin by living +'soberly.' I would withdraw a little from the gay world in which I had +of late been so busy. I would pass more of my time at home. I would find +out some poor but amiable family, who had perhaps seen better days. I +would assist and comfort them; and, confining myself to a simple +neatness in my dress, would expend upon them the liberal allowance of my +indulgent father. I was presently transported by fancy to a scene of +elegant distress, and theatrical gratitude, common enough in her airy +regions, but exceedingly scarce upon the face of this vulgar earth. The +idea was delightful. 'Who,' cried I, 'would forfeit the pleasures of +benevolence for toys which nature and good sense can so well dispense +with? And, after all, what shall I lose by retreating a little from a +world where envy and malice are watchful to distort the veriest +casualties into the hideous forms upon which slander loves to scowl! No +doubt, Lady Maria's malice will find food in my new way of life,—but no +matter, I will despise it.' It is so easy to despise malice in our +closets! 'Mr Maitland,' thought I, 'will approve of my altered conduct;' +and then I considered that retirement would allow me to make +observations on the 'interest' which I had excited in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span> Mr Maitland; for, +in the present sobered state of my mind, I thought of making +observations, rather than experiments.</p> + +<p>Circumstances occurred to quicken the ardour with which vanity pursued +those observations. Maitland had hitherto been content to perform the +duties of a quiet citizen. Secure of respect, and careless of +admiration, he had been satisfied to promote by conscientious industry +his means of usefulness, and, with conscientious benevolence, to devote +those means to their proper end. With characteristic reserve, he had +withdrawn even from the gratitude of mankind. He had been the unknown, +though liberal benefactor of unfriended genius. He had given liberty to +the debtor who scarcely knew of his existence; and had cheered many a +heart which throbbed not at the name of Maitland. But now the name of +Maitland became the theme of every tongue; for, in the cause of justice, +he had put forth the powers of his manly mind; and orators, such as our +senates must hope no more to own, had hung with warm applause, or with +silent rapture, upon the eloquence of Maitland! Himself a West India +merchant, and interested, of course, in the continuation of the +slave-trade, he opposed, with all the zeal of honour and humanity, this +vilest traffic that ever degraded the name and the character of man. In +the senate of his country he lifted up his testimony against this foul +blot upon her <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'frame'">fame</ins>,—this tiger-outrage upon fellow-man,—this daring +violation of the image of God. Alas! that a more lasting page than mine +must record, that the cry of the oppressed often came up before British +senates, ere they would deign to hear! But, amidst the tergiversation of +friends, and the virulence of foes, some still maintained the cause of +justice. They poured forth the eloquence which makes the wicked tremble, +and the good man exult in the strength of virtue. The base ear of +interest refused indeed to hear; but the words of truth were not +scattered to the winds. All England, all Europe, caught the inspiration; +and burnt with an ardour which reason and humanity had failed to kindle, +till they borrowed the eloquence of Maitland.</p> + +<p>And now his praise burst upon me from every quarter. Those who affected +intimacy with the great, retailed it as the private sentiment of +ministers and princes. Our political augurs foretold his rise to the +highest dignities of the state. Those who love to give advice were eager +that he should forsake his humbler profession, and devote his +extraordinary talents to the good of his country. The newspapers +panegyrised him; and fashion, rank, and beauty, crowded round the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> happy +few who could give information concerning the age, manners, and +appearance of Mr Maitland. Not all his wisdom, nor all his worth, could +ever have moved my vain mind so much as did these tributes of applause, +from persons unqualified to estimate either. When I heard admiration +dwell upon his name, my heart bounded at the recollection of the +'interest' which he had expressed in me; and again I wondered whether +that interest were love? I would have given a universe to be able to +answer 'yes.' To see the eye which could penetrate the soul hang captive +on a glance of mine!—to hear the voice which could awe a senate falter +when it spoke to me!—to feel the hand which was judged worthy to hold +the helm of state tremble at my touch!—the very thought was +inspiration. Let not the forgiving smile which belongs to the innocent +weakness of nature be lavished on a vice which leads to such cold, such +heartless selfishness. Let it rather be remembered that avarice, +oppression, cruelty, all the iron vices which harden the heart of man, +are not more rigidly selfish, more wantonly regardless of another's +feelings, than unrestrained, active vanity.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, Mr Maitland allowed me abundant opportunities for +observation. Instead of withdrawing from us after Miss Mortimer's +departure, as I feared he would, he visited us more frequently than +ever. He sometimes breakfasted with us in his way to the city; often +returned when the House adjourned in the evening; and in short seemed +inclined to spend with us the greater part of his few abstemious hours +of leisure. Yet even my vanity could trace nothing in his behaviour +which might explain this constant attendance. On the contrary, his +manner, often cold, was sometimes even severe. He was naturally far from +being morose; and often casting off the cares of business, he would +catch infectious spirits from my lightness of heart; yet even in those +moments, somewhat painful would not unfrequently appear to cross his +mind, and he would turn from me as if half in sorrow, half in anger. I +could perceive that he listened with interest when I spoke; but that +interest seemed of no pleasing kind. He often, indeed, looked amused, +but seldom approving; and if once or twice I caught a more tender +glance, it was one of such mournful kindness as less resembled love than +compassion.</p> + +<p>All this was provokingly unsatisfactory. I found that it was vain to +expect discoveries from observation; I was obliged to have recourse to +experiment; and it is not to be imagined what tricks I practised to +steal poor Maitland's fancied secret. So mean is vanity! and so little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> +security have they who submit to its power, that they may not stoop to +faults the most remote from their natural tendencies. I flourished the +arm of which he had praised the beauty, that I might watch whether his +gaze followed it in admiration. I was laboriously 'graceful;' and +sported my '<i>naif</i> sensibility' till it was any thing but <i>naif</i>. I +obtruded my 'lovely singleness of mind,' till, I believe, I should have +become a disgusting mass of affectation, had it not been for the manly +plainness of Mr Maitland. He at first appeared to look with surprise +upon my altered demeanour; then fairly showed me by his manner that he +detected my little arts, and that he was alternately grieved to find me +condescending to plot, and angry that I could plot no better. 'That +certainly is the finest arm in England,' whispered he one evening when I +had been leaning upon it, exactly opposite to him, for five minutes, 'so +now you may put on your glove. Nay, instead of frowning, you should +thank me for that blush; for though pride and anger may have some share +in it, it is not unbecoming, since it is natural.' I was sullen for a +little, and muttered something about 'impertinence,'—but I never +flourished my arm again.</p> + +<p>'Lady Maria de Burgh is certainly the most beautiful girl in London,' +said I to Miss Arnold one day when the subject was in debate. This was a +fit of artificial candour; for I had observed, that Maitland detested +all symptoms of animosity; and I appealed to him, in hopes that he would +at least except me from his affirmative. 'Yes,' returned he, directing, +by one flash of his eloquent eye, the warning distinctly to me, 'Yes; +but she reminds me of the dog in the fable. Nature has given her beauty +enough; but she grasps at more, and thus loses all.'</p> + +<p>Affectation seemed likely to be as unavailing as watchfulness; yet, the +longer my search lasted, the more eager it became. Whatever occupied +attention long, will occupy it much; and, in my vain investigation, I +often endured the anxiety of the philosopher, who, having sailed to the +antipodes to observe the transit of Venus, saw, at the critical hour, a +cloud rise to obstruct his observations. 'How shall I fathom the heart +of that impenetrable being?' exclaimed I to my confidante one day, when, +in pursuance of my new plan of soberness and charity, I sat learning to +knit a child's stocking at the rate of a row in the hour.</p> + +<p>'Bless me, Ellen,' returned Miss Arnold, 'what signifies the heart of a +musty old bachelor?'</p> + +<p>'I don't know what you call old, Juliet; but, in my opinion, I should<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> +be more than woman, or less, if I could suspect my power over such a man +as Maitland, and not wish to ascertain the point.'</p> + +<p>'I do not believe,' returned Juliet, 'that any woman upon earth has +power over him,—a cold, cynical, sarcastic——'</p> + +<p>'You forget,' interrupted I, 'that he has owned a strong interest in +me;' for, in the soft hour of returning confidence, I had showed his +billet to my friend.</p> + +<p>'Yes,' answered Miss Arnold, 'that is true; but don't you think he may +once have been a lover of your mother's, and that on her account——'</p> + +<p>'My mother's!' cried I. 'Ridiculous! impossible! Maitland must have been +a mere child when my mother married.'</p> + +<p>'Let me see,' said Miss Arnold, with calculating brow, 'your mother, had +she been alive, would now have been near forty.'</p> + +<p>'And Maitland, I am sure, cannot be more than two-and-thirty.'</p> + +<p>'Is he not?' said Miss Arnold, who had ventured as far as she thought +prudent. Silence ensued; for I was now in no very complacent frame. Miss +Arnold was the first to speak. 'Perhaps,' said she, 'Mr Maitland only +wishes to conceal his own sentiments, till he makes sure of +yours,—perhaps he would be secure of success before he condescends to +sue.'</p> + +<p>'If I thought the man were such a coxcomb,' cried I, 'I would have no +mercy in tormenting. I detest pride.'</p> + +<p>'If I have guessed right,' pursued Miss Arnold, 'a little fit of +jealousy would do excellently well to prove him, and punish him at the +same time; I am sure he deserves it very well, for making so much +mystery of nothing.' A by-stander might have indulged a melancholy smile +at my detestation of pride, and Miss Arnold's antipathy to mystery. But +our abhorrence of evil is never more vehemently, perhaps never more +sincerely expressed, than when our own besetting sin thwarts us in the +conduct of others.</p> + +<p>'But,' said I, for experience had begun to teach me some awe for +Maitland's penetration, 'what if he should see through our design, and +only laugh at us and our manœuvring?'</p> + +<p>'Oh! as for that,' returned Juliet, 'choose his rival well, and there is +no sort of danger. A dull, every-day creature, to be sure, would never +do: but fix upon something handsome, lively, fashionable, and it must +appear the most natural thing in the world. By the by, did he ever seem +to suspect any one in particular?'</p> + +<p>'What! don't you remember that, in his note, he speaks with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span> tolerably +decent alarm of Lord Frederick?'</p> + +<p>'Oh! true,' returned Miss Arnold, 'I had forgotten.—Well, do you think +you could pitch upon a better flirt?'</p> + +<p>Now my friend knew that I happened at that moment to have no choice of +flirts; for, besides that Lord Frederick was the only dangler whom I had +ever systematically encouraged, he was the only one of my present +admirers who could boast any particular advantages of figure or +situation. 'He might answer the purpose well enough,' returned I, 'if we +knew how to bring Maitland and him together; but you know he does not +visit here since his foolish old father thought fit to interfere.'</p> + +<p>'That may be easily managed,' replied Juliet. 'The slightest hint from +you would bring him back.'</p> + +<p>I had once determined to listen with caution to Miss Arnold's advice, +where Lord Frederick was concerned; but now her advice favoured my +inclination; and that which ought to have made me doubly suspicious of +her counsels, was the cause why I followed them without hesitation. The +hint to Lord Frederick was given at the first opportunity, and proved as +effectual as its instigator had foretold. Still, however, some +contrivance was necessary to bring the rivals together; for the man of +fashion and the man of business seldom paid their visits at the same +hour. At length I effected an interview; and never was visiter more +partially distinguished than Lord Frederick. We placed ourselves +together upon a sofa, apart from the rest of the company, and forthwith +entered upon all the evolutions of flirtation; for I whispered without a +secret, laughed without a joke, frowned without anger, and talked +without discretion.</p> + +<p>It was Miss Arnold's allotted province to watch the effect of these +fooleries upon Maitland; but I could not refrain from sharing her task, +by stealing at times a glance towards him. These glances animated my +exertions; for I was almost sure that he looked disturbed; and fancied, +more than once, that I saw his colour change. But if he was uneasy at +witnessing Lord Frederick's success, he did not long subject himself to +the pain; for, after having endured my folly for a quarter of an hour, +without offering it the least interruption, he took a very frozen leave, +and departed. I laughed at his coldness; convinced, as I now was, that +it was only the pettishness of jealousy. Miss Arnold, however, gently +insinuated a contrary opinion. 'She might, indeed, be mistaken, she +could not pretend to my talent for piercing disguise; but she must +confess, that Maitland<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> had succeeded in concealing from her every trace +of emotion.' It may easily be imagined, that this opinion, however +seasoned with flattery, and however cautiously expressed, was not very +agreeable to me. To dispel my friend's doubts, rather than my own, I +proposed a second trial; but some time elapsed before that trial could +be made. In the mean while, Lord Frederick failed not to profit by his +recent admission. His visits even became so frequent, that, dreading an +altercation with my father, I began to wish that I had been more guarded +in my invitation.</p> + +<p>But, this did not prevent me from re-acting my coquetry the next time +that the supposed rivals met in my presence. After this second +interview, Miss Arnold, though with great deference, persisted in her +former sentence; and I was unwillingly obliged to soften somewhat the +vehemence of my dissent; for if Maitland was wounded by my preference of +Lord Frederick, he certainly endured the smart with Spartan fortitude. I +was somewhat disconcerted; and should have laid aside all my vain +surmises, had not the recollection of Maitland's note constantly +returned to strengthen them.</p> + +<p>Our experiments, however, were brought to a close by a disclosure of my +father's. 'Miss Percy,' said he one day, taking his posture of +exhortation, 'I think Lord Frederick de Burgh seems to wait upon you +every day. Now, after what has passed, this is indiscreet; and, +therefore, it is my desire that you give him no encouragement to +frequent my house. I would have put a stop to the thing at once, but I +can perceive that you don't care for the puppy; and Maitland, who is a +very sharp fellow, makes the very same observation.'</p> + +<p>Now, I knew that this was Mr Percy's method of adopting the stray +remarks which he judged worthy to be fathered by himself; and I fully +understood, that all my laboured favour to Lord Frederick had failed to +impose upon Maitland. What could be more vexatious? I had no resource, +however; except, like the fox in the fable, to despise what was +unattainable. I vowed that I would concern myself no more with a person +who was too wise to have the common feelings of humanity. I assured my +confidante that his sentiments were a matter of perfect indifference to +me. I hope, for my conscience' sake, that this was true, for I repeated +it at least ten times every day.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, in the ardour of my investigation, I had, from time to time, +deferred my purposed visit to Miss Mortimer. My heart had not failed to +reproach me with this delay; but I had constantly soothed it with +promises for to-morrow,—to-morrow, that word of evil omen to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> all +purposes of reformation! At last, however, I was resolved to repair my +neglect; for the day after Maitland's quick-sightedness happened to be +Sunday; and how could the Sabbath be better employed than in a necessary +and pious work? It is no new thing to see that day burdened with the +necessity of works which might as well have belonged to any other. +Instead, therefore, of going to hear a fashionable preacher, I ordered +my carriage to ——. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 7em;"><i>——Oh my fate!</i></span><br /> +<i>That never would consent that I should see<br /> +How worthy thou wert both of love and duty,<br /> +Before I lost you;——</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>With justice, therefore, you may cut me off,<br /> +And from your memory wash the remembrance<br /> +That e'er I was; like to some vicious purpose,<br /> +Which in your better judgment you repent of,<br /> +And study to forget.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Massinger.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>The morning shone bright with a summer sun. The trees, though now rich +in foliage, were still varied with the fresh hues of spring. The river +flashed gaily in the sun beam; or rolled foaming from the prows of +stately vessels, which now veered as in conscious grace, now moved +onward as in power without effort, bearing wealth and plenty from +distant lands. What heart, that is not chilled by misery, or hardened by +guilt, is insensible to the charms of renovated nature! What human heart +exults not in the tokens of human power! Mine rejoiced in the splendid +scene before me; but it was the rejoicing of the proud, always akin to +boasting. 'How richly,' I exclaimed, 'has the Creator adorned this fair +dwelling of his children! A glorious dwelling, worthy of the noble +creatures for whom it was designed;—creatures whose courage braves the +mighty ocean,—whose power compels the service of the elements,—whose +wisdom scales the heavens, and unlocks the springs of a moving universe! +And can there be zealots whose gloomy souls behold in this magnificent +frame of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span> things, only the scene of a dull and toilsome pilgrimage, for +beings wayworn, guilty, wretched?'</p> + +<p>In these thoughts, and others of like reasonableness and humility, I +reached the dwelling of my friend. It was a low thatched cottage, +standing somewhat apart from a few scattered dwellings, which scarcely +deserved the name of a village. I had seen it in my childhood, when a +holiday had dismissed me from confinement; and it was associated in my +mind with images of gaiety and freedom. Alas! those images but ill +accorded with its present aspect. It looked deserted and forlorn. She, +by whose taste it had been adorned, was now a prisoner within its walls. +The flowers which she had planted were blooming in confused luxuriance. +The rose-tree, which she had taught to climb the latticed porch, now +half-impeded entrance, and the jessamine which she had twined round her +casement, now threw back its dishevelled sprays as if to shade her +death-bed. The carriage stopped at the wicket of the neglected garden; +and I, my lofty thoughts somewhat quelled by the desolateness of the +scene, passed thoughtfully towards the cottage, along a walk once kept +with a neatness the most precise, now faintly marked with a narrow track +which alone repressed the disorderly vegetation.</p> + +<p>The door was opened for me by Miss Mortimer's only domestic; a grave and +reverend-looking person, with silver grey hair, combed smooth under a +neat crimped coif, and with a starched white handkerchief crossed +decently upon her breast. Nor were her manners less a contrast to those +of the flippant gentlewomen to whose attendance I was accustomed. With +abundance of ceremony, she ushered me up stairs; then passing me with a +low courtesy, and a few words of respectful apology, she went before me +into her mistress's apartment, and announced my arrival in terms in +which the familiar kindness of a friend blended oddly with the reverence +of an inferior. Miss Mortimer, with an exclamation of joy, stretched her +arms fondly towards me. Prepared as I was for an alteration in her +appearance, I was shocked at the change which a few weeks had effected. +A faint glow flushed her face for a moment, and vanished. Her eyes, that +were wont to beam with such dove-like softness, now shed an ominous +brilliance. The hand which she extended towards me, scarcely seemed to +exclude the light, and every little vein was perceptible in its sickly +transparency. Yet her wasted countenance retained its serenity; and her +feeble voice still spoke the accents of cheerfulness. 'My dearest +Ellen,' said she, 'this is so kind! And yet I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> expected it too! I knew +you would come.'</p> + +<p>Blushing at praise which my tardy kindness had so ill deserved, I +hastily enquired concerning her health. 'I believe,' said she smiling, +though she sighed too, 'that I am still to cumber the ground a little +longer. I am told that my immediate danger is past.'</p> + +<p>'Heavens be praised,' cried I, with fervent sincerity.</p> + +<p>'God's will be done,' said Miss Mortimer: 'I once seemed so near my +haven! I little thought to be cast back upon the stormy ocean; but, +God's will be done.'</p> + +<p>'Nay, call it not the stormy ocean,' said I. 'Say rather, upon a +cheerful stream, where you and I shall glide peacefully on together. You +will soon be able to come to us at Richmond; and then I will show you +all the affection and all the respect which——' 'I ought always to have +shown,' were the words which rose to my lips; but pride stifled the +accents of confession. 'Were you once able,' continued I, 'to taste the +blessed air that stirs all living things so joyously to-day, and see how +all earth and heaven are gladdened with this glorious sunshine, you +would gain new life and vigour every moment.'</p> + +<p>'Ay, he is shining brightly,' said Miss Mortimer, looking towards her +darkened casement. 'And a better sun, too, is gladdening all earth and +heaven; but I, confined in a low cottage, see only the faint reflection +of his brightness. But I know that He is shining gloriously,' continued +she, the flush of rapture mounting to her face, 'and I shall yet see Him +and rejoice!'</p> + +<p>I made no reply. 'It is fortunate,' thought I, 'that they who have no +pleasure in this life can solace themselves with the prospect of +another.' Little did I at that moment imagine, that I myself was +destined to furnish proof, that the loss of all worldly comfort cannot +of itself procure this solace; that the ruin of all our earthly +prospects cannot of itself elevate the hope long used to grovel among +earthly things.</p> + +<p>I spent almost two hours with my friend; during which, though so weak +that the slightest exertions seemed oppressive to her, she at intervals +conversed cheerfully. She enquired with friendly interest into my +employments and recreations; but she knew me too well to hazard more +direct interrogation concerning the effect of her monitory letter. In +the course of our conversation, she asked, whether I often saw Mr +Maitland? The question was a very simple one; but my roused watchfulness +upon that subject made me fancy something<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span> particular in her manner of +asking it. It had occurred to me, that she might possibly be able to +solve the difficulty which had of late so much perplexed me; but I could +not prevail upon myself to state the case directly. 'I wonder,' said I, +'now that you are gone, what can induce Maitland to visit us so often?' +I thought there was meaning in Miss Mortimer's smile; but her reply was +prevented by the entrance of the maid with refreshments. I wished +Barbara a thousand miles off with her tray, though it contained rich +wines, and some of the most costly fruits of the season. Miss Mortimer +pressed me to partake of them, telling me, that she was regularly and +profusely supplied. 'The giver,' said she, 'withholds nothing except his +name, and that, too, I believe I can guess.'</p> + +<p>A gentle knock at the house-door now drew Barbara from the room, and I +instantly began to contrive how I might revert to the subject of my +curiosity. 'Could you have imagined,' said I, 'that my father was the +kind of man likely to attract Maitland so much?'</p> + +<p>My enemy again made her appearance. 'Mr Maitland is below, madam,' said +she: 'I asked him in, because I thought you would not turn his worthy +worship away the third time he is come to ask for you.'</p> + +<p>'Well, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, smiling, 'as your presence may +protect my character, I think I may see him to-day.'</p> + +<p>As Mr Maitland entered the room, I saw my friend make a feeble effort to +rise from her seat; and, bending towards her, I supported her in my +arms. The moment Maitland's eye fell upon me, it lightened with +satisfaction. After speaking to my friend he turned to me. 'Miss Percy!' +said he; and he said no more; but I would not have exchanged these words +and the look which accompanied them for all the compliments of all +mankind. Yet at that moment the spirit of coquetry slept; I quite forgot +to calculate upon his love, and thought only of his approbation.</p> + +<p>I believe neither Maitland nor I recollected that he still held the hand +he had taken, till Miss Mortimer offered him some fruit, hinting that +she suspected him of having a peculiar right to it. A slight change of +colour betrayed him; but he only answered carelessly, that fruit came +seasonably after a walk of seven miles in a sultry day. 'You never +travel otherwise than on foot on Sunday,' said Miss Mortimer. 'I seldom +find occasion to travel on Sunday at all,' answered Maitland; 'but I +knew that I could spend an hour with you without violating the spirit of +the fourth commandment.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span></p> + +<p>The hour was spent, and spent without weariness even to me; yet I cannot +recollect that a single sentence was uttered in reference to worldly +business or amusement; except that Maitland once bitterly lamented his +disappointed hopes of usefulness to the African cause. 'However,' added +he, 'I believe I had need of that lesson. Our Master is the only one +whose servants venture to be displeased if they may not direct what +service he will accept from them.'</p> + +<p>'Nobody is more in want of such a lesson than I,' said Miss Mortimer, +'when my foolish heart is tempted to repine at the prospect of being +thus laid aside, perhaps for years; useless as it should seem to myself +and to all human kind.'</p> + +<p>'My good friend,' returned Maitland (and a tear for a moment quenched +the lightning of that eye before which the most untameable spirit must +have bowed submissive), 'say not that you are useless, while you can +show forth the praise of your Creator. His goodness shines gloriously +when he bestows and blesses the gifts of nature and of fortune; but more +gloriously when his mercy gladdens life after all these gifts are +withdrawn. It is the high privilege of your condition to prove that our +Father is of himself alone sufficient for the happiness of his +children.'</p> + +<p>'I am sure, my friend,' cried I, 'of all people upon earth, you need the +least regret being made idle for a little while; for the recollection of +the good which you have already done must furnish your mind with a +continual feast.'</p> + +<p>'Indeed, Ellen,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'you never were more mistaken. +I do not recollect one action of my life, not even among those which +originated in a sense of duty, that has not been degraded by some +mixture of evil, either in the motive or in the performance.'</p> + +<p>'Oh but you know perfection is not expected from us.'</p> + +<p>Maitland shook his head. 'I fear,' said he, 'we must not trust much to +your plea, so long as we are commanded to "be perfect." Miss Mortimer +will feel at peace; not because she hopes that her King will, instead of +her just tribute, accept of counters; but because she knows that the +full tribute has been paid.'</p> + +<p>While I saw the truths of religion affect the vigorous mind of +Maitland,—while I saw them triumph in a feebler soul over pain, and +loneliness, and fear,—how could I remain wholly insensible to their +power? Whilst I listened to the conversation of these Christians, how +could I suppress a wish that their comforts might one day be mine? 'Pray +for me,' I whispered to Miss Mortimer, half-desirous, half-afraid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> to +extend my petition to Maitland, 'pray for me that, when I am sick and +dying, your God may bless me as he now blesses you.' I know not how my +friend replied; for Maitland laid his hand upon my head, with a look in +which all kind and holy feeling was so blended, that raptured saints can +image nothing more seraphic. He spoke not—but the language of man is +feeble to the eloquence of that pause!</p> + +<p>But my mind was as yet unfit to retain any serious impression. The voice +of truth played over it as the breeze upon the unstable waters, moving +it gently for a moment, and then passing away. My religious humour +vanished with the scene by which it was excited; and even Miss +Mortimer's parting whisper helped to replace it by a far different +spirit. 'I can guess now,' said she, 'what carries Mr Maitland so often +to Bloomsbury Square.' Before hearing this remark, I had offered to +convey Maitland to town in my carriage; and now the heart which had so +lately swelled with better feelings, beat with a little coquettish +fluttering, when, having taken leave of my friend, I found myself seated +<i>tête-à-tête</i> with my supposed admirer. Maitland was, however, the very +innocent cause of my flutterings; since for a whole mile he talked of +Miss Mortimer, and nothing but Miss Mortimer; then, perceiving that I +was little inclined to answer, he was silent, and left me to my +reflections.</p> + +<p>The softness of evening was beginning to mingle with the cheerfulness of +day, and a fresher breeze began to lighten the sultry air. 'What an +Arcadian day!' cried I. 'Pity that you and I were not lovers, to enjoy +it thus alone together!'</p> + +<p>I meant to utter this with the prettiest air of simplicity imaginable, +but found it quite impossible to suppress the conscious glow that stole +over my face. I was certain that Maitland coloured too, though he +answered with great self-possession. 'I make no pretensions to the +character of a lover,' said he; 'but you may allow me to converse with +you like a friend, which will do as well.'</p> + +<p>'Oh the very worst substitute in nature,' cried I; 'for the conversation +of lovers is all complaisance; whereas I find that those who beg leave +to talk like friends always mean to ask something which I do not wish to +tell, or to tell something which I do not wish to hear.'</p> + +<p>'Perhaps I may mean to do both,' said Maitland; 'for there is a question +which I have often wished to ask you; and when you have answered, I may +perhaps undertake the other office too. Are you aware that common report +joins your name with that of Lord<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> Frederick de Burgh?'</p> + +<p>'Stop!' cried I; 'positively you must not be my confessor.'</p> + +<p>'That must be as you please,' returned Maitland. 'Then I will in charity +suppose you ignorant; and when I tell you that every gossip's tongue is +busy with his good fortune, I think you will grant him no additional +triumph; unless indeed it be possible that——' He paused, and then +added with unusual warmth,—'but I will not think of such profanation, +much less utter it.'</p> + +<p>'Now, do Mr Maitland desist, I entreat you,' cried I, half-smiling, half +in earnest; 'for I never was lectured in my life without being guilty of +some impertinence; and there is nobody living whom I would not rather +offend than you.'</p> + +<p>'I believe I must venture,' returned Maitland, looking at me with a +good-humoured smile. 'I would hazard much for your advantage.'</p> + +<p>'Nay, positively you shall not,' said I, playfully laying my hand upon +his mouth.</p> + +<p>This gesture, which, I protest, originated in mere thoughtlessness, +ended in utter confusion; for Maitland, seizing my hand, pressed it to +his lips. The whole affair was transacted in far less time than I can +tell it; and we both sat looking, I believe, abundantly silly; though +neither, I fancy, had the courage to take a view of the other.</p> + +<p>The silence was first broken by a splenetic ejaculation from Maitland. +'Pshaw,' said he, 'you will compel me to act the puppy in spite of +myself.' Now, whatever colour Maitland might try to throw upon his +inadvertence, I plainly perceived that it had not originated in a cool +sense of the duty of gallantry; for he was even studiously inattentive +to all the common gallantries which I was accustomed to expect from +others. My breast swelled with the pride of victory; and yet my +situation was embarrassing enough; for Maitland, far from confirming my +dreams of conquest, much more from empowering me to pursue my triumph, +maintained a frozen silence, and seemed wrapt in a very unlover-like +meditation.</p> + +<p>The first words which he uttered were these: 'Although Parliament +refuses justice to these Africans, much might be done for those already +in slavery. Much might be done by a person residing among them, +determined to own no interest but their welfare.' I could not at that +time follow the chain which had led to this idea. Unfortunately for me, +I was soon enabled to trace the connection.</p> + +<p>As soon as we entered the town, Maitland expressed a wish to alight, and +immediately took a cold and formal leave. I returned<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> home, with every +thought full of my new discovery, every affection absorbed in vanity. +Convinced of Maitland's attachment, I now only wondered why it was not +avowed. The most probable conjecture I could form was, that he wished to +save his pride the pain of a repulse; and again I piously resolved to +spare no torture within my power. I was determined that, cost what it +would, the secret should be explicitly told; after which I should, of +course, be entitled to exhibit and sport with my captive at pleasure. +Beyond this mean and silly triumph I looked not. I forgot that the lion, +even when tamed, will not learn the tricks of a monkey. Weaker souls, I +knew, might be led contented in their silken fetters: I forgot that the +strongest cords bound Samson only whilst he slept. To reward the +expected patience of my lover was not in all my thoughts. I should as +soon have dreamt of marrying my father.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile Maitland was in no haste to renew my opportunities of +coquetting. Business, or, as I then thought, the fear of committing +himself, kept him a whole week from visiting us. During that week, I had +canvassed the subject with Miss Arnold under every possible aspect, +except those in which it would have appeared to a rational mind. I +believe my friend began to be, as perhaps the reader is, heartily tired +of my confidence. She certainly wished the occasion of our discussion at +an end; but she had no desire that it should end favourably to my +wishes. She dreaded the increase of Maitland's influence. A mutual +dislike, indeed, subsisted between them. He seemed to have an intuitive +perception of the dark side of her character; and she to feel a +revolting awe of his undeceiving, undeceivable sagacity. I have often +seen the artful, though they despise defenceless simplicity, and delight +to exert their skill against weapons like their own, yet shrink with +instinctive dread from plain, undesigning common sense. Maitland's +presence always imposed a visible restraint upon Miss Arnold; but she +had more cogent reasons than her dislike of Maitland, for wishing to +arrest the progress of an intercourse which threatened to baffle certain +schemes of her own. Meaning to interrupt our good understanding, she +gave me the advice which appeared most likely to effect her purpose. Of +this I have now no doubt; though, at that time, I harboured not a +suspicion of any motive less friendly than a desire to forward every +purpose of mine.</p> + +<p>'If you don't flirt more sentimentally,' said she, 'you will never make +any impression upon Maitland. He knows you would never<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> rattle away as +you do to De Burgh, with any man you really cared for. You should +endeavour to seem in earnest.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, I am quite tired of endeavouring to "seem." And then I really can't +be sentimental: it is not in my nature. Besides, it would be all in +vain. Maitland has found out that I am not in love with Lord Frederick; +and it will be impossible to convince him of the contrary.'</p> + +<p>'No matter; you may make him believe that you are somehow bound in +honour to Lord Frederick, which will quite answer the purpose.'</p> + +<p>'No Juliet; that I cannot possibly do, without downright falsehood.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, I'll engage to make him believe it, without telling him one word of +untruth. Let me manage the matter, and I'll make him as jealous as a +very Osmyn; that is, provided he be actually in love.'</p> + +<p>The scepticism of my friend upon this point was a continual source of +irritation to me; and, to own the truth, furnished one great cause of my +eagerness to ascertain my conquest beyond cavil. 'Well!' returned I, +already beginning to yield, 'if you could accomplish it honourably: +but—no—I should not like to be thought weak enough to entangle myself +with a man for whom I had no particular attachment.'</p> + +<p>'I am certain,' returned Miss Arnold, more gravely, 'that if Mr Maitland +thought your honour concerned, far from considering the fulfilment of +even a tacit engagement as a weakness, he would highly admire you for +the sacrifice.'</p> + +<p>The prospect of being 'highly admired' by Mr Maitland blinded me to the +sophistry of this answer; yet I felt myself unwilling that he should +actually believe me to be under engagement, and I expressed that +unwillingness to my adviser. 'Oh!' cried she, 'we must guard against +making him too sure. I would merely hint the thing, as what I feared +might happen, and leave you an opening to deny or explain at any time. +As I live, there he comes, just at the lucky moment! Now, leave him to +me for half an hour, and I will engage to bring him to confession; that +is, if he has any thing to confess.'</p> + +<p>'Well! I should like to see you convinced for once, if it be possible to +convince you; and yet what if he should——'</p> + +<p>'Oh, there's his knock!' interrupted Juliet. 'If we stand here +objecting, we shall lose the opportunity. Sure you can trust to my +management.'</p> + +<p>'Well, Juliet,' said I, with a prophetic sigh, 'do as you please; but, +for Heaven's sake, be cautious!' She instantly accepted the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> permission, +and flew down stairs to receive him in the parlour.</p> + +<p>Let no woman retain in her confidence the treacherous ally who once +persuades or assists her to depart from the plain path of simplicity. +Such an ally, whatever partial fondness may allege, must be deficient +either in understanding or in integrity. That the associate who incites +you to deceive others will in time deceive yourself, is the least evil +to be apprehended from such a connection. The young are notoriously +liable to the guidance of their intimates; and most women are, in this +respect, young all their lives. If I had naturally any good tendency, it +was toward sincerity; and yet a false friend, working on my ruling +passion, had led me to the brink of actual deceit. So stable are the +virtues which are founded only in constitution or humour! Had I been +wisely unrelenting to the first artifice of pretended friendship, and +honestly abhorrent even of the wile which professed to favour me, the +bitterest misfortunes of my life might have been spared; and I might +have escaped from sufferings never to be forgotten, from errors never to +be cancelled.</p> + +<p>My punishment began even during the moments of Miss Arnold's conference +with Maitland. I was restless and agitated. My heart throbbed violently, +less with the hopes of triumph than with the anxiousness of duplicity, +and the dread of detection. I trembled; I breathed painfully; at every +noise I started, thinking it betokened the close of the conference, +which yet seemed endless. Again and again I approached the parlour door, +and as often retreated, fearing to spoil all by a premature +interruption. I was once more resolving to join my friend, when I heard +some one leave the house. I flew to a window, and saw Maitland walk +swiftly along the square, and disappear, without once looking back. This +seemed ominous; but as my friend did not come to make her report, I went +in search of her.</p> + +<p>I found her in an attitude of meditation; and though she instantly +advanced towards me with a smile, her countenance bore traces of +discomposure. 'Well, I protest,' cried she, 'there is no dealing with +these men without a little management.'</p> + +<p>This sounded somewhat like a boast; and, my spirits reviving, I enquired +'how her management had succeeded?'</p> + +<p>'You shall judge,' returned Miss Arnold. 'I will tell you all exactly +and candidly.' People seldom vouch for the candour of their narratives +when it is above suspicion. 'I could not be abrupt, you know,' proceeded +my <i>candid</i> narrator; 'but I contrived to lead dexterously towards the +point; and, after smoothing my way a little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> just hinted a possibility +that Lord Frederick might succeed. Signor Maestoso took not the least +notice. Then I grew a little more explicit. Still without effect! He +only fixed his staring black eyes upon me, as if he would have looked +through me, to see what was my purpose in telling him all that. At last +I was obliged to say downrightly (Heaven forgive me for the fib!) that I +was afraid you might marry De Burgh at last, though I owned you had no +serious regard for him. All this while Don Pompous had been walking +about the room; but at this he stopped short, just opposite to me, and +asked me, with a frown as dark as a thunder cloud, "what reason I had to +say so?"—I—I declare, I was quite frightened.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold stopped, and seemed to hesitate. 'Well! Go on!' cried I +impatiently.—'You know,' continued she, 'I could not answer his +question in any other way, except by giving him some little instances of +your—your good understanding with De Burgh; but still I could extort no +answer from the impenetrable creature, except now and then a kind of +grunt.'</p> + +<p>'How tedious you are! Do proceed.'</p> + +<p>'At last, when I found nothing else would do, I—I was obliged to have +recourse to—to an expedient, which produced an immediate effect. And +now, Ellen, I am convinced that Maitland loves you to distraction!'</p> + +<p>'Indeed! What? How?'</p> + +<p>'Ah, Ellen! you have a thousand times more penetration than I. I would +give the world for your faculty of reading the heart.'</p> + +<p>'But, dear Juliet! how was it,—how did you discover——'</p> + +<p>'Why, when nothing else seemed likely to avail, I—I thought I might +venture to hint, just by way of a trifling instance of your intimacy +with Lord Frederick, that—that you had—had borrowed a small sum from +him.'</p> + +<p>'Good heaven, Juliet! did you tell Maitland this? Oh! he will despise me +for ever. Leave me,—treacherous,—you have undone me.'</p> + +<p>'Ellen, my dearest Ellen,' said my friend, caressing me with the most +humble affection, 'I own I was very wrong; but indeed—indeed, if you +had seen how he was affected, you would have been convinced, that +nothing else could have been so effectual. If you had seen how pale he +grew, and how he trembled, and gasped for breath! You never saw a man in +such agitation. Dear Ellen, forgive me! You know I could have no motive +except to serve you.'</p> + +<p>In spite of my vexation, I was not insensible to this statement, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> +which my vanity gave full credit; though the slightest comparison of the +circumstances with the character of Maitland must have convinced me that +they were exaggerated. At length, curiosity so far prevailed over my +wrath, that I condescended to enquire what answer he had given to Miss +Arnold's information? Miss Arnold replied, that the first words which he +was able to utter, announced, that he must see me instantly. 'And why +then,' I asked, 'is he gone in such haste?'</p> + +<p>My friend made me repeat this question before she could hear it;—an +expedient which often serves those whose answer is not quite ready. +'Because he—he afterwards changed his mind, and said he would call upon +you in an hour.'</p> + +<p>Before the hour had elapsed, my resentment had yielded partly to my +friend's representations, partly to a new subject of alarm. I dreaded +lest, if Maitland considered my debt to Lord Frederick in so serious a +light, he might think it a duty of friendship to apprize my father of my +involvement; and, anxious to secure his secrecy, yet too proud to beg +it, I suffered him, at his return, to be admitted to my dressing-room, +although I had never before been so unwilling to encounter him. +Maitland, on his part, seemed little less embarrassed than myself. He +began to speak, but his words were inarticulate. He cleared his throat, +and seized my attention by a look full of meaning; and the effort ended +in some insignificant enquiry, to the answer of which he was evidently +insensible. At last, suddenly laying his hand upon my arm, 'Miss Percy,' +said he, 'pardon my abruptness,—I really can neither think nor talk of +trifles at this moment. Let me speak plainly to you. Allow me for once +the privilege of a friend. You cannot have one more sincere than myself; +nor,' added he with a deep sigh, 'one more disinterested.'</p> + +<p>'Well!' returned I, moved by the kindness of his voice and manner, and +willing to shake off my embarrassment; 'use the privilege generously, +and I don't care if, for once, I grant it you.'</p> + +<p>Maitland instantly, without compliment or apology, availed himself of my +concession. 'I presume,' said he, 'that Miss Arnold has acquainted you +with her very strange communication to me this morning.' I only bowed in +answer, and did not venture again to raise my head. 'Did she tell you, +too,' proceeded Maitland, in the tone of strong indignation, 'that she +meant to conceal from you this most unprovoked act of <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'teachery'">treachery</ins>, had I +not insisted upon warning you against a confidant who could betray your +secret,—and such a secret!'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span></p> + +<p>Abashed and humbled, conscious that since my friend had been partly +licensed by myself, she was less blamable than she appeared, yet unable, +without exposing myself still farther, to state what little could be +alleged in her vindication, I stammered out a few words; implying, that +perhaps Miss Arnold did not affix any importance to the secret.</p> + +<p>'The inferences she drew,' cried Maitland, 'leave no doubt, that she +thought it important; or, granting it were as you say, is the woman fit +to be a friend who could regard such a transaction as immaterial? Is +there any real friend to whom you could confide it without reluctance? I +need not ask if you have intrusted it to your father.'</p> + +<p>The tears of mortification and resentment which had been collected in my +eyes while Maitland spoke, burst from them when I attempted to answer. +But my wounded pride quickly came to my assistance. 'No, sir,' returned +I; 'but if you think your own reproofs insufficient you will of course +aid them with my father's.'</p> + +<p>Maitland could not resist the sight of my uneasiness. His countenance +expressed the most gentle compassion; and his voice softened even to +tenderness. 'And is the reproof of a father,' said he, 'more formidable +to you than all that your delicacy must suffer under obligation to a +confident admirer? Dearest Miss Percy, as a friend—a most attached, +most anxious friend—I beseech you to——'</p> + +<p>He stopped short, and coloured very deeply,—suddenly aware, I believe, +that he was speaking with a warmth which friendship seldom assumes; then +taking refuge in a double intrenchment of formality, he begged me to +pardon a freedom which he ascribed to his friendship for my father and +Miss Mortimer. In spite of my mortifying situation, my heart bounded +with triumph as I traced through this disguise the proofs of my power +over the affections of Maitland. Recovering my spirits, I told him +frankly, that I was determined to make no application to my father, +since a few weeks would enable me to escape from my difficulty without +the hazard of incensing him. Maitland looked distressed, but made no +further attempt to persuade me. 'This is what I feared,' said he; 'but I +am sensible that I have no right to urge you.'</p> + +<p>He was silent for some moments, and seemed labouring with something +which he knew not how to utter. A certain tremour began to steal over +me too, and expectation made my breath come short when I again heard +his voice. 'There may be an impropriety,' he began, but again he +stopped embarrassed. 'There may be objections<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> against your—your +condescension to Lord Frederick, which do not apply to all your +acquaintance;—and—and I have taken the liberty to—to bring a few +hundred pounds in case you would do me the honour to——' The <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'mainly'">manly</ins> +brown of Maitland's cheek flushed with a warmer tint as he spoke; and +the eye which had so often awed my turbulent spirit, now sunk timidly +before mine; for he was conferring an obligation, and his generous +heart entered by sympathy into the situation of one compelled to +accept a pecuniary favour. But I was teazed and disappointed; for here +was nothing of the expected declaration; on the contrary, Maitland had +wilfully marked the difference between himself and a lover.</p> + +<p>He probably read vexation in my face, though he ascribed it to a wrong +cause. 'I see,' said he, in a tone of mortification, 'that this is a +degree of confidence which I must not expect. Perhaps you will suffer me +to mention the matter to Miss Mortimer—she I am sure will allow me to +be her banker for any sum you may require.'</p> + +<p>Shame on the heartless being who could see in this delicate kindness +only a triumph for the most despicable vanity! In vain did Maitland veil +his interest under the semblance of friendship. Seeing, and glorying to +see, that passion lurked under the disguise, I could not restrain my +impatience to force the mask away. I thanked Maitland, but told him that +the delay of a few weeks could be of little importance; adding, gaily, +that I fancied Lord Frederick was in no haste for payment; and would +prefer the right of a creditor over the liberty of his debtor.</p> + +<p>Maitland almost shuddered. 'Can you jest upon such a subject?' said he. +The expression of uneasiness which crossed his features only encouraged +me to proceed. 'No, really,' said I, with affected seriousness, 'I am +quite in earnest. One day or other I suppose I must give somebody a +right to me, and it may as well be Lord Frederick as another. Marriage +will be at best but a heartless business to me—Heigho!'</p> + +<p>'I hope it will be otherwise,' said Maitland, with a sigh not quite so +audible as mine, but a little more sincere.</p> + +<p>'No, no,' said I, sighing again, 'love is out of the question with me. +The creatures that dangle after me want either a toy upon which to throw +away their money, or money to throw away upon their toys. A heart would +be quite lost upon any of them. If, indeed, a man of sense and worth had +attached himself to me,—a man with sincerity enough to tell me my +faults,—with gentleness to do it kindly,—with—with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> something in his +character, perhaps in his manners, to secure respect,—he might +have—have found me not incapable of—of an animated—I mean of a—a +very respectful friendship.'</p> + +<p>I could not utter this last sentence without palpable emotion. Nature, +which had done much to unfit me for deliberate coquetry, faltered in my +voice; and stained my cheek with burning blushes. In the confusion which +I had brought upon myself, I should have utterly forgotten to watch the +success of my experiment, had not my attention been drawn by the tremor +of Maitland's hand. I ventured, thus encouraged, to steal a glance at +his countenance.</p> + +<p>His eye was fixed upon me with a keenness which seemed to search my very +soul. Deep glowing crimson flushed his face. It was only for a moment. +His colour instantly fading to more than its natural paleness, he almost +threw from him the hand which he had held. 'Oh, Ellen!' he cried in a +tone of bitter reproach, 'how can you! suspecting, as I see you do, the +power of your witchery over me, how can you!—Others might despise my +weakness—I myself despise it—but with you it should have been sacred!'</p> + +<p>Where is the spirit of prophecy which can foretell how that, which at a +distance seems desirable, will affect us when it meets our grasp? Who +could have believed that this avowal, so long expected, so eagerly +anticipated, should have been heard only with shame and mortification! +Far, indeed, from the elation of conquest were my feelings, while I +shrunk from the rebuke of him, whose displeasure had, with me, the power +of a reproving angel. Abashed and confounded, I did not even dare to +raise my eyes; whilst Maitland, retreating from me, stood for some +moments in thoughtful silence. Approaching me again, 'No,' said he, in a +low constrained voice, 'I cannot speak to you now. Give me a few minutes +to-morrow:—they shall be the last.'</p> + +<p>Before I could have articulated a word, had the universe depended upon +my utterance, Maitland was gone.</p> + +<p>As soon as my recollection returned, I stole, like a culprit, to my own +apartment, where, locking myself in, I fell into a reverie; in which +stifled self-reproach, resentment against Miss Arnold, and an undefined +dread of the consequences of Maitland's displeasure, were but faintly +relieved by complacency towards my own victorious charms. Maitland's +parting words rung in my ears; and though I endeavoured to persuade +myself that they were <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'dictatated'">dictated</ins> by a resentment which could not resist +the slightest concession from me,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> they never recurred to my mind +unattended by some degree of alarm. I was determined, however, that no +consideration should tempt me to betray the cause of my sex, by humbling +myself before a proud lover; 'and, if he be resolved to break my chains, +let him do so,' said I, 'if he can.' I justly considered the loss of a +lover as no very grievous misfortune. Alas! I could not then estimate +the evil of losing such a friend as Maitland.</p> + +<p>The next morning he came early to claim his audience; not such as I had +seen him the evening before; but calm, self-possessed, and dignified. He +entered upon his subject with apparent effort; telling me that he was +come to give me, if I had the patience to receive it, the explanation to +which he conceived me entitled, after the inadvertencies which had at +different times betrayed his secret. Provoked by his composure, I +answered, that 'explanation was quite unnecessary, since I did not +apprehend that either his conduct or motives could at all affect me.'</p> + +<p>'Suffer me then,' said he, mildly, 'to explain them for my own sake, +that I may, if I can, escape the imputation of caprice.' I made some +light, silly reply; and, affecting the utmost indifference, took my +knotting and sat down. 'Have you no curiosity,' said Maitland, 'to know +how you won and how you have lost a heart that could have loved you +faithfully? Though my affections are of no value to you, you may one day +prize those which the same errors might alienate.'</p> + +<p>'That is not very likely, sir,' said I. 'I shall probably not approach +so near the last stage of celibacy as to catch my advantage of any +wandering fancy which may cross a man's mind.'</p> + +<p>'This was no wandering fancy,' said Maitland, with calm seriousness. +'You are the first woman I ever loved; and I shall retain the most +tender, the most peculiar interest in your welfare, long after what is +painful in my present feelings has passed away. But I must fly while I +can—before I lose the power to relinquish what I know it would be +misery to obtain.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, sir, I assure you that this is a misery I should spare you,' cried +I; my heart swelling with impatience at a style of profession, for it +cannot be called courtship, to which I was so little accustomed.</p> + +<p>'Now this is childish,' said Maitland. 'Are you angry at having escaped +being teazed with useless importunity? If you would have me feel all the +pang of leaving you, call back the candour and sweetness that first +bewitched me. For it was not your beauty, Ellen. I had seen you more +than once ere I observed that you were beautiful, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span> twenty times ere +I felt it. It was your playful simplicity, your want of all design, your +perfect transparency of mind, that won upon me before I was aware; and +when I was weary of toil and sick of the heartlessness and duplicity of +mankind, I turned to you, and thought—, it matters not what.'</p> + +<p>Maitland paused, but I was in no humour to break the silence. My anger +gave place to a more gentle feeling. I felt that I had possessed, that I +had lost, the approbation of Maitland, and the tears were rising to my +eyes; but the fear that he should ascribe them to regret for the loss of +his stoic-love, forced them back to the proud heart.</p> + +<p>'Yet,' continued Maitland, 'I perceived, pardon my plainness, that your +habits and inclinations were such as must be fatal to every plan of +domestic comfort; and at four-and-thirty a man begins to foresee, that, +after the raptures of the lover are past, the husband has a long life +before him; in which he must either share his joys and his sorrows with +a friend, or exact the submission of an inferior. To be a restraint upon +your pleasure is what I could not endure; yet otherwise they must have +interfered with every pursuit of my life,—nay, must every hour have +shocked my perceptions of right and wrong. Nor is this all,' continued +Maitland, guiding my comprehension by the increased solemnity of his +manner. 'Who that seeks a friend would choose one who would consider his +employments as irksome, his pleasures as fantastic, his hopes as a +dream?—one who would regard the object of his supreme desire as men do +a fearful vision, visiting them unwelcome in their hours of darkness, +but slighted or forgotten in every happier season? No, Ellen! the wife +of a Christian must be more than the toy of his leisure;—she must be +his fellow-labourer, his fellow-worshipper.'</p> + +<p>'Very well, sir!' interrupted I, my spirit of impatience again beginning +to stir. 'Enough of my disqualifications for an office which I really +have no ambition to fill.'</p> + +<p>'I believe you, Miss Percy,' returned Maitland, 'and that belief is all +that reconciles me to my sacrifice;—therefore beware how you weaken it +by these affected airs of scorn. I assure you, they were not necessary +to convince me that you are not to be won unsought. It was this +conviction which made me follow you even when I saw my danger. I +flattered myself that I might be useful to you,—or rather, perhaps, +this was the only device by which I could excuse my weakness to myself. +In a vain trust in the humility of a woman, and a trust yet more vain in +the prudence of a lover, I purposed to conceal<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> my feelings till they +should be lost amidst the cares of a busy life. Your penetration, or my +own imprudence, has defeated that purpose, just as I begin to perceive +that you are too powerful for cares and business. Nothing, then, remains +but to fly whilst I have the power. In a fortnight hence, I shall sail +for the West Indies.'</p> + +<p>I started, as if a dart had pierced me. The utmost which I had +apprehended from Maitland's threats of desertion, was, that he should +withdraw from our family circle. 'For the West Indies!' I faintly +repeated.</p> + +<p>'Yes. It happens not unfortunately that I have business there. But I +have dwelt too long upon myself and my concerns. Since I must "cut off +the right hand," better the stroke were past. I have only one request to +make,—one earnest request, and then——' He paused. I would have asked +the nature of his request, but a rising in my throat threatened to +betray me, and I only ventured an enquiring look. Maitland took my hand: +and the demon of coquetry was now so entirely laid, that I suffered him +to retain it, without a struggle. 'Dear, ever dear Ellen,' said he, +'many an anxious thought will turn to you when we are far +asunder,—repay me for them all, by granting one petition. It is, that +you will confide your difficulties, whatever they be, to Miss Mortimer; +and, when you do so, give her this packet.'</p> + +<p>'No, no,' interrupted I, with quickness. 'The sum I owe Lord Frederick +is a trifle compared to what you suppose it. It was the price of a +bauble,—a vile bauble. It was no secret,—hundreds saw it,—accident, +mere accident made me——'</p> + +<p>Shocked at the emotion I was betraying, and in horror lest Maitland +should impute it to a humbling cause, I suddenly changed my manner; +haughtily declaring that I would neither distress my friend in her +illness nor incur any new obligation. Maitland modestly endeavoured to +shake my determination; but, finding me resolute, he rose to be gone. +'Farewell, Ellen,' said he,—'every blessing——,' the rest could not +reach my ear, but while I have being, I shall remember his look as he +turned from me. It was anguish, rendered more touching by a faint +struggle for a smile, that came like a watery beam upon the troubled +deep, making the sadness more dreary. I turned to a window, and watched +till he disappeared.</p> + +<p>I have lived to be deserted by all mankind,—to wander houseless in a +land of strangers,—to gaze upon the crowds of an unknown city, assured +that I should see no friend,—to be secluded, as in a living grave, from +human intelligence and human sympathy; but never did I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span> feel so +desolately alone, as when I turned to the chamber where Maitland had +been and felt that he was gone. Miss Mortimer's words flashed on my +mind. 'The good and the wise will one by one forsake you.'—'They have +forsaken me! all forsaken me!' I cried, as, throwing myself upon the +ground, I rested my head upon the seat which Maitland had left, hid my +face in my arm, and wept. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>In a dull stream, which moving slow,<br /> +You hardly see the current flow,<br /> +When a small breeze obstructs the course,<br /> +It whirls about for want of force;<br /> +And in its narrow circle, gathers<br /> +Nothing but chaff, and straw, and feathers.<br /> +The current of a female mind<br /> +Stops thus, and turns with every wind.<br /> +Thus whirling round, together draws,<br /> +Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Swift.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>I imagine that such of my readers as are still in their teens, and of +course expect to find Cupid in ambush at every corner, will now smile +sagaciously, and pronounce, 'that poor Ellen was certainly in love.' If +so, I must unequivocally assert, that, in this instance, their +penetration has failed them. Maitland had piqued my vanity, he had of +late interested my curiosity; his conversation often amused me, and the +more I was accustomed to it, the more it pleased. It is said, that they +who have been restored to sight, find pleasure in the mere exercise of +their newly regained faculty, without reference to its usefulness, or +even to the beauty of the objects they behold; so I, without a thought +of improving by Maitland's conversation, and with feeble perceptions of +its excellence, was pleased to find in it occupation for faculties, +which, but for him, might have slumbered inactive. I had a sort of +filial confidence in his good will, and a respect approaching to +reverence for his abilities and character. But this was all; for amidst +all my follies, I had escaped that susceptibility<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> which makes so many +young women idle, and so many old ones ridiculous.</p> + +<p>Lest, however, my assertion seem liable to the suspicion which attaches +to the declarations of the accused, I shall mention an irrefragable +proof of its truth. In less than twelve hours after Maitland had taken +his final leave, I was engaged in an animated flirtation with Lord +Frederick de Burgh. It is true, that for some days I used to start when +the knocker <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'sounder'">sounded</ins> at the usual hour of Maitland's visit, and to hear +with a vague sensation of disappointment some less familiar step +approach. It is true, that I loved not to see his seat occupied by +others, and that I never again looked towards the spot where he finally +disappeared from my sight, without feeling its association with +something painful. But I suppose it may be laid down as a maxim, that no +woman who is seriously attached to one man, will trifle, <i>con spirito</i>, +with another; and my flirtations with Lord Frederick were not only +continued, but soon began to threaten a decisive termination.</p> + +<p>In spite of my father's remonstrance, Lord Frederick's daily visits were +continued; for how could I interdict them after his Lordship had said, +nay sworn, that I must admit him, or make London a desert to him? We +also met often at the house of Lady St Edmunds, where, after Maitland's +departure, I became a more frequent guest than ever. Placable as Miss +Arnold had hitherto found me, I could not immediately forgive her +discovery to Maitland; for, willing to throw from myself the blame of +losing him, I more than half ascribed his desertion to her interference. +In resentment against one favourite, I betook myself with more ardour to +the other; with whom I spent many an hour, more pleasant, it must be +owned, than profitable.</p> + +<p>Lady St Edmunds had a boudoir to which only her most select associates +were admitted. Nothing which taste could approve was wanting to its +decoration,—nothing which sense desires could be added to its luxury. +The walls glowed with the sultry scenes of Claude, and the luxuriant +designs of Titian. The daylight stole mellowed on the eye through a +bower of flowering orange trees and myrtles; or alabaster lamps +imitated the softness of moonshine. Airy Grecian couches lent grace to +the forms which rested on them; and rose-coloured draperies shed on +the cheek a becoming bloom. No cumbrous footmen were permitted to +invade this retreat of luxury. Their office was here supplied by a +fairy-footed smiling girl, whose figure and attire partook the +elegance of all around. Had books been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> needful to kill the time, here +were abundance well suited to their place; not works of puzzling +science or dull morality; but modern plays, novels enriched with +slanderous tales or caricatures of living characters, and fashionable +sonnets, guarded to the ear of decency, but deadly to her spirit. In +this temple of effeminacy, Lady St Edmunds and I generally passed our +morning hours, and it usually happened that Lord Frederick joined the +party. Here I often called forth my musical powers to delight my +companions, soothed in my turn by the yet sweeter sounds of flattery +and love. The easy manners of my hostess banished all restraint. The +timidity which had at first admired without venturing to copy, fled +before her neat raillery and free example; and high spirits, +encouragement, and inconsiderateness, often led me to the utmost +limits of discretion.</p> + +<p>In such a scene, with such associates, can it be wondered, that I forgot +the manly sense, the hardy virtues of Maitland? No longer counteracted +by his ascendency, or checked by the warnings of Miss Mortimer, Lady St +Edmunds' influence increased every day, and strengthened into an +affection which utterly blinded me to every impropriety in her conduct +and sentiments;—an awful influence, which almost every girl of +seventeen allows more or less to some favourite. Happy the daughter who +finds that favourite where nature has secured to her a real +friend;—happy the mother who gains support for her authority in the +enthusiastic attachments of youth!</p> + +<p>As Lady St Edmunds was no restraint upon me, her presence in our coterie +was rather advantageous to Lord Frederick, banishing the reserve of a +<i>tête-à-tête</i>, and allowing him constantly to offer gallantries too +indirect to provoke repulse, yet too pointed to be overlooked. Indeed, +such attentions from him were now become so habitual to me, that I +accepted of them as things of course, without consideration either of +motive or consequence. They amused and flattered me; and amusement and +flattery were the sum of my desires.</p> + +<p>Things were in this train, when, one morning, the usual party being met +in the boudoir, Lady St Edmunds was called away to receive a visiter. +She went without ceremony; for she never reminded me of our difference +of rank, by any of those correct formalities by which the great are +accustomed to distance their inferiors. She gaily enjoined Lord +Frederick to entertain me; and he accepted of the office with a look +which prompted me, I know not why, to move hastily towards a harp, on +which I struck some chords. Lord Frederick stopped me; addressing me so +much more seriously than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span> he had ever done before, that, in my surprise, +I suffered him to proceed without interruption. In the warmest phrase of +passion he besought me to tell him how long I meant to continue his +lingering probation; and protested, that he was no longer able to endure +my delays. The presumptuousness of this language was softened by tones +and gestures so humble, that I found it impossible to be angry! but I +was not a little confounded at a security which I had been far from +intending to authorise. Recovering myself as well as I was able, I +affected to receive his protestations in jest, telling him his +gallantries were now so hackneyed, that I had already exhausted all my +wit in replying to them; and that if he wished to find me at all +entertaining, he must positively call a new subject.</p> + +<p>His Lordship abated nothing of his solemnity. He fell upon his knees, +conjured me to be serious, and talked of as many cruelties, racks, and +tortures, as would have furnished the dungeons of the Inquisition; yet +still the drift of his rhetoric seemed to be only this, that he had now +been for a very competent time the martyr of my charms, and therefore +was entitled to claim his reward.</p> + +<p>Though somewhat alarmed, I still tried to laugh off the attack; telling +him that he had changed his manner much to the worse, since gravity in +him seemed the most preposterous thing in nature. 'Was it possible,' +Lord Frederick enquired with a tragedy exclamation, 'that I could thus +punish him for a disguise of gaiety which he had assumed only to mislead +indifferent eyes, but which he was certain had never deceived my +penetration?' And then he boldly appealed to my candour, 'whether I had +ever for a moment misunderstood him?' Too much startled and confounded +to persevere in my levity, I replied in the words of simple truth, 'that +I had never bestowed any consideration upon his meaning, since my father +had settled the matter.'</p> + +<p>Lord Frederick poured forth all the established forms of abuse against +parental authority; execrating, in a most lover-like manner, the idea of +subjecting the affections to its control, and protesting his belief that +I had too much spirit to sacrifice him to such tyranny. Piqued at my +lover's implied security, I answered, 'that I had no inclination to +resist my father's will; and that so long as he did not require me to +marry any man who was particularly disagreeable to me, I should very +willingly leave a negative in his power.' Lord Frederick struck his hand +upon his forehead, and raised his handkerchief to his eyes, as if to +conceal extreme agitation. 'Cruel,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span> cruel, Miss Percy!' he cried, 'if +such are, indeed, your sentiments,—if you are, indeed, determined to +submit to the decision of your inhuman father, why—why did you, with +such barbarous kindness, restore the hopes which he had destroyed? Why +did you, in this very room, allow me to hope that you would reward my +faithful love,—that you would fly with me to that happy land where +marriage is still free!'</p> + +<p>My masquerade folly thus recalled to my recollection, the blood rushed +tumultuously to my face and bosom. Unable to repel the charge, and +terrified by this glimpse of the shackles which my imprudence had forged +for me, I stammered out, that, 'whatever I might have said in a +thoughtless moment, I was sure that no friend of Lord Frederick's or +mine would advise either of us to so rash a step.'</p> + +<p>'No friend of mine,' returned Lord Frederick, using the gestures of +drying his fine blue eyes, 'shall ever again be consulted. Could I have +foreseen your cruel treatment, never would I have put it in the power, +even of my nearest relative, to injure you by <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'publishng'">publishing</ins> the hopes you +had given.'</p> + +<p>The hint, conveyed in these words, was not lost upon me. I concluded, +that Lord Frederick had thought himself authorised to talk of the +encouragement he had received. Our sense of impropriety is rarely so +just as to gain nothing from anticipating the judgment of our +fellow-creatures; and the levity which I had practised as an innocent +trifling, took a very different form, when I saw it by sympathy, in the +light in which it might soon be seen by hundreds. The folly into which I +had been seduced by malice, vanity, and the love of amusement, would +stand charactered in the world's sentence, as unjustifiable coquetry. +Viewed in its consequences, as ruinous to the peace of a heart that +loved me, I myself scarcely bestowed upon it a gentler name.</p> + +<p>Confused, perplexed, and distressed, not daring to meet the eye of the +man whom I had injured, I sat looking wistfully towards the door, more +eager to escape from my present embarrassment than able to provide +against the future. Lord Frederick instantly saw his advantage. 'I have +wronged you, my heavenly Ellen,' he cried, throwing himself in rapture +at my feet. 'I see that, upon reflection, you will yet allow my claim. +How could I suspect my dear, generous Miss Percy of trifling with the +fondest passion that ever warmed a human breast!'</p> + +<p>I involuntarily recoiled, for I had never been less tenderly disposed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span> +towards Lord Frederick than at that moment. 'Really, my Lord,' I said, +'even if I could return all this enthusiasm, which indeed I cannot, I +should give a poor specimen of my generosity by consenting to involve +you in the difficulties which might be the consequence of disobliging my +father.'</p> + +<p>Lord Frederick cursed wealth in the most disinterested manner +imaginable,—swore that 'the possession of his adorable Ellen was all he +asked of Heaven,'—and fervently wished, that 'the splendour of his +fortune, and the humbleness of mine, had given him an opportunity of +proving how lightly he prized the dross when put in balance with my +charms.' Though the loftiness of this style was too incongruous with +Lord Frederick's general manner to excite no surprise, I must own, that +it awakened not one doubt of his sincerity,—for what will not vanity +believe? The more credit I gave his generosity, the more did I feel the +injustice of my past conduct, yet the more painful it became to enter +upon explanation; and I was not yet practised enough in coquetry to +suppress the embarrassment which faltered on my tongue, as I told Lord +Frederick, that 'I was sorry—very sorry, and much astonished; and that +I had never suspected him of allowing such a romantic fancy to take +possession of his mind; that my father's determination must excuse me to +his Lordship and to the world, for refusing to sanction his hopes.'</p> + +<p>Lord Frederick, in answer, vehemently averred, that his hopes had no +connection with my father's decision, since, after that decision, he had +been permitted to express his passion without repulse. He recalled +several thoughtless concessions which I had forgotten as soon as made. +Without formal detail, he dexterously contrived to remind me of the ring +which I had allowed him to keep; and of the clandestine correspondence +which I had begun from folly, and continued from weakness. He again +referred to my half consent at the masquerade. Finally, he once more +appealed to myself, whether, all these circumstances considered, his +hopes deserved to be called presumptuous.</p> + +<p>During this almost unanswerable appeal, I had instinctively moved +towards the door; but Lord Frederick placed himself so as to intercept +my escape. Terrified, and revolting from the bonds which awaited me, yet +conscious that I had virtually surrendered my freedom,—eager to escape +from an engagement which yet I had not the courage to break,—I began a +hesitating, incoherent reply; but I felt like one who is roused from the +oppression of nightmare, when it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> was interrupted by the entrance of +Lady St Edmunds. I almost embraced my friend in my gratitude for this +fortunate deliverance; but I was too much disconcerted to prolong my +visit; and, taking a hasty leave, I returned home.</p> + +<p>I had so long been accustomed to find relief from every difficulty in +the superior ingenuity of Miss Arnold, that my late resentment, which +had already begun to evaporate, entirely gave way to my habitual +dependence upon her counsels. Not that I, at the time, acknowledged this +motive to myself. Far from it. I placed my renewed confidence solely to +the credit of a generous placability of nature; for when any action of +mine claimed kindred with virtue, I could not afford to enquire too +seriously into its real parentage. However, I took an early opportunity +of acquainting Juliet with my dilemma. But my friend's readiness of +resource appeared now to have forsaken her. She protested that 'no +surprise could exceed hers; that she had never suspected Lord Frederick +of carrying the matter so far.' She feared 'that, however unjustly, he +might consider himself as aggrieved by a sudden rupture of our intimacy; +hinted how much the affair might be misrepresented by the industrious +malice of Lady Maria; and lamented that, on such occasions, a censorious +world was but too apt to take part with the accuser. But then, to be +sure, every thing must be ventured rather than disobey my father: she +would be the last person to advise me to a breach of duty, though she +had little doubt that it would be speedily forgiven.'</p> + +<p>In short, all my skill in cross-examination was insufficient to discover +whether Miss Arnold thought I should dismiss Lord Frederick, or fly with +him to Scotland; or, taking that middle course so inviting to those who +waver between the right and the convenient, endeavour to keep him in +suspense till circumstances should guide my decision. Like a prudent +counsellor, she gave no direct advice, except that which alone she was +certain would be followed: she entreated me to hear the opinion of Lady +St Edmunds, and then to judge for myself.</p> + +<p>The opinion of Lady St Edmunds was much more explicitly given. She +insisted that an overstrained delicacy made me trifle with the man whom +I really preferred. She laughed at my denials; asserting that it was +impossible I could be such a little actress as to have deceived all my +acquaintance, not one of whom entertained a doubt of my partiality for +Lord Frederick. One exception to this position I remembered with a sigh; +but he who best could have read my heart,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span> and most wisely guided it, +was already far on his way to another hemisphere. In vain did I protest +my indifference towards all mankind. Lady St Edmunds, kissing my cheek, +told me she would save my blushes, by guessing for me what I had not yet +confessed to myself.</p> + +<p>'Well!' cried I, a little impatiently, 'if I am in love with Lord +Frederick, I am sure I don't wish to marry him. I cannot be mistaken +upon that point. Some time ago, I should not much have cared; but now, +<i>indeed</i> I would rather not.'</p> + +<p>'Why should you be more reluctant now than formerly,' enquired Lady St +Edmunds, looking me intently in the face, 'unless you have begun to +prefer another?'</p> + +<p>'Oh, not at all,' answered I, with great simplicity; 'I prefer nobody in +particular. But of late I have sometimes thought that, if I must marry, +I would have a husband whom I could respect,—whom all the world +respect; one who could enlighten and convince, ay, and awe other men; +one who need only raise his hand to silence an assembled nation; one +whose very glance——'</p> + +<p>I stopped, and the glow which warmed my cheek deepened with an altered +feeling; for a smile began to play upon the lip of Lady St Edmunds, and +where is the enthusiasm that shrinks not from a smile? My friend, +laughing, asked which of the heroes of romance I chose to have revived +for my mate. 'But,' added she, shaking her head, 'when Oroondates makes +his appearance, we must not let Frederick tell tales; for constancy and +generosity were indispensable to a heroine in his time.'</p> + +<p>Seeing me look disconcerted, she paused; then throwing her white arm +round my neck, 'My dearest Ellen,' said she, 'let me candidly own that +your treatment of poor De Burgh is not quite what I should have expected +from you. But,' continued she, with a tender sigh, 'had you been all +that my partiality expected, you must have become too—too dear to me! +You would have wiled my heart away from all living beings.'</p> + +<p>'Dear Lady St Edmunds,' cried I, clasping her to my breast, 'tell me +what you expect from me now, and trust me I will never disappoint you.'</p> + +<p>'My charming girl!' exclaimed Lady St Edmunds, 'far be it from me to +dictate to you. Let your own excellent heart and understanding be your +counsellors.'</p> + +<p>'Indeed,' returned I, 'it would be an act of real charity to decide for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span> +me. I am so terribly bewildered. I would not for the world act basely to +Lord Frederick; and I rather think that before he began to teaze me +about marrying him, I liked him better than any body—that is than any +man—almost. But then when I think of my father—and I love him so +dearly, and he has no other child—no one to love him but only me! +Indeed I cannot bear to thwart him.'</p> + +<p>'My dear Ellen,' said Lady St Edmunds, 'I believe your father to be a +very worthy old gentleman, and I have a great respect for him; but, +indeed, his cause could not be committed to worse hands than mine; for I +can see no earthly business that he has to interfere in the matter. It +is not he who is to be married. For my own part, I married in very spite +of my father; and if I live till my children are marriageable, I shall +assuredly be reasonable enough to let them be happy in their own way.'</p> + +<p>For a while, I defended the parental right, or rather the natural +sentiment which still remained to restrain my folly;—but the proper +foundation of filial duty, of all duty, was wanting in my mind, and +therefore the superstructure was unstable as the vapour curling before +the breeze. Even my good propensities had not the healthy nature of real +virtue. They were at best but the fevered flush adorning my sickly state +in the eyes of others, and fatally disguising it from my own. By +frequent argument, by occasional reflections, and by dexterous +confounding of truth and falsehood, Lady St Edmunds so far darkened my +moral perceptions, that Lord Frederick's claim seemed to outweigh that +of my father. Nor was the task hard; for honour and humanity are sounds +more soothing to human pride than the harsh name of submission.</p> + +<p>Lord Frederick himself meanwhile watched vigilantly over his own +interests, and was abundantly importunate and encroaching. Miss Arnold, +indeed, continued to affect prudent counsels; but while she offered me +such feeble dissuasives as rather served to excite than to deter, she +procured or invented intelligence, which, with every expression of +indignation, she communicated to me, that Lady Maria had so far +misrepresented my indiscretion at the masquerade, as to make my marriage +with Lord Frederick a matter of prudence at least, if not of necessity.</p> + +<p>Thus goaded on every side, without steadiness to estimate the real +extent of my difficulties, or resolution to break through them, having +no special dislike to Lord Frederick, nor any conscious preference for +another, I sanctioned in weakness the claims which I had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span> conferred in +folly. I gave my lover permission to believe that I would soon reward +his constancy; if it can be called reward to obtain a wife, whose +violation of her early ties gives the strongest pledge that she will +disregard those which are new.</p> + +<p>Still a lingering reluctance, the constitution of my sex, and the +expiring struggles of duty, made me defer, from time to time, the +performance of my engagement. But I was hurried at last into its +fulfilment, by one of those casualties which are allowed to decide the +most important concerns of the thoughtless and unprincipled. My father +one day surprised Lord Frederick at my feet; and, glad perhaps of an +opportunity to mark his contempt for the artificial distinctions of +society, as well as justly indignant at the disregard shown to his +injunctions, he dismissed my lover from the house, in terms more decided +than courtly.</p> + +<p>As my father had four stout footmen to enforce his commands, his +Lordship had no choice but acquiescence. He therefore retired; and my +father, raising his foot to the panel of the room door, shut it with a +force that made the house shake. His sense of dignity for once giving +way to indignation, my father, instead of taking his well-known posture +of exhortation with his back to the fire, walked up to me, and strongly +grasping my hand, exclaimed, 'What the d—l do you mean, Ellen Percy? +Did not I tell you, I wouldn't have this puppy of a lord coming here a +fortune-hunting? Don't I know the kidney of you all; Don't I know, that +if you let a fellow chatter nonsense to you long enough, he is sure of +you at last?—Look you, Ellen Percy, let me have no more of this. I can +give you three hundred thousand pounds, and I have a scheme in my head +that may make it twice as much;—and I'll have your eldest son called +John Percy, ay, and his son after him; and you shall marry no proud, +saucy, aristocratical beggar, to look down upon the man who was the +making of him; d——n me, if you do, Ellen Percy.' Then throwing my arm +from him, with a vehemence that made me stagger, he quitted the room.</p> + +<p>Even in minds far better regulated than mine, violence is more likely to +produce resentment than submission. My surprise quickly gave place to +indignation. The unceremonious expulsion of my visiter seemed nothing +short of an insult. To place me at the head of a family into which I +must admit no guest without permission, was treating me like a baby!—a +disgrace scarcely endurable to those who are still a little doubtful of +their right to be treated like women.</p> + +<p>I earnestly recommend to all ladies who see cause of offence<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span> against +their rightful governors (an accident which will sometimes happen, +notwithstanding the universal meekness of ladies, and the well-known +moderation of gentlemen,) never to indulge in meditations upon past +injury, much less to exercise their prophetic eye upon future +aggression. Ill-humour gives contingent evils such a marvellous +appearance of certainty, that we seldom think it unjust to punish them +as if already committed.</p> + +<p>No inference should have been drawn from my father's hasty words, except +that, being spoken in anger, they could not convey his permanent +sentiments; but I pondered them until I discovered that they clearly +foretold my being sacrificed to some ugly, old, vulgar, ignorant, gouty, +purse-proud, blinking-eyed, bandy-legged, stock-jobbing animal, with a +snuff-coloured coat, a brown wig, and a pen behind his ear. No wonder if +the assured prospect of such outrage redoubled mine ire!</p> + +<p>But it had not yet reached its consummation. At dinner, Miss Arnold +happened to mention a public breakfast, to which Lady B—— had invited +us for the following morning. My father, who was far from affecting +privacy in his injunctions or reproofs, informed me, without +circumlocution, that I should go neither to Lady B——'s nor any where +else, till I gave him my word of honour that I would have no intercourse +with Lord Frederick de Burgh. 'I must stay at home, then,' said I, with +an air of surly resolution; 'for there is to be a ball after the +breakfast, and I have promised to dance with Lord Frederick.'</p> + +<p>'Eat your breakfast at home then, Miss Percy,' said my father; 'and no +fear but you shall have as good a one as any Lady B—— in the land.'</p> + +<p>Great was my disappointment at this sentence; for I had procured for the +occasion a dress upon which Lady Maria de Burgh had fixed her heart, +when there was no longer time to make another robe with similar +embroidery. But my wrath scorned to offer entreaty or compromise; and, +leaving the table, I retreated to my chamber, seeking sullen comfort in +the thought that I might soon emancipate myself from thraldom. In the +course of the evening, however, Miss Arnold, whose influence with my +father had of late increased surprizingly, found means to obtain a +mitigation of his sentence; but the good humour which might have been +restored by this concession, was banished by an angry command to refrain +from all such engagements with Lord Frederick for the future.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span></p> + +<p>The next morning, while we were at breakfast (for a public breakfast by +no means supersedes the necessity of a private one) my father received a +letter, which he read with visible discomposure; and, hastily quitting +his unfinished meal, immediately left the house. I was somewhat startled +by his manner, and Miss Arnold appeared to sympathise still more deeply +in his uneasiness; but the hour of dressing approached, and, in that +momentous concern, I forgot my father's disquiet.</p> + +<p>The fête passed as fêtes are wont to do. Every one wore the face of +pleasure, and a few were really pleased. The dancing began, and I joined +in it with Lord Frederick. Among the spectators who crowded round the +dancers, were Lady Maria de Burgh and her silly Strephon, Lord +Glendower. I at first imagined that she declined dancing, because the +lady who was first in the set was one of whom she might have found it +difficult to obtain precedence; but, just as it was my turn to begin, +she advanced and took her station above me. Provoked by an impertinence +which I ought to have despised, I remonstrated against this breach of +ball-room laws. Lady Maria answered, with a haughty smile, that she +rather conceived she had a right to dance before me. In vain did Lord +Frederick interfere. In vain did I angrily represent, that the right +claimed by her Ladyship ceased after the dance was begun. How could Lady +Maria yield while the disputed dress was full in her eye? At last, +seeing that the dance was suspended by our dispute, I proposed to those +who stood below me, that, rather than allow such an infringement of our +privileges, we should sit down. They, however, had no inclination to +punish themselves for the ill-breeding of another; and I, scorning to +yield, indignantly retired alone.</p> + +<p>Lord Frederick followed me, as usual; and—but why should I dwell upon +my folly? Remaining displeasure against my father, a desire to have +revenge and precedence of Lady Maria, overcame for an hour my reluctance +to the fulfilment of my ill-starred engagement; and in that hour, Lord +Frederick had obtained my consent to set out with him the very next +morning for Scotland. Such are the amiable motives that sometimes enter +into what is called a love match!</p> + +<p>To prevent suspicion, and by that means to delay pursuit, it was agreed, +that Lady St Edmunds should be made acquainted with our design; that she +should call for me early, and convey me in her carriage to Barnet, where +she was to resign me to the guardianship of my future lord. Miss Arnold +I determined not to trust; because she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span> had of late been accustomed to +beg, with a very moral shake of the head, that I would never confide an +intended elopement to her, lest she should feel it a duty to acquaint my +father with my purpose. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Fair laughs the morn, and soft the zephyr blows,<br /> +While, proudly riding o'er the azure realm,<br /> +In gallant trim the gilded vessel goes,<br /> +Youth on the prow, and pleasure at the helm;<br /> +Regardless of the sweeping whirlwind's sway,<br /> +That, hush'd in grim repose, expects his evening prey.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Gray.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>No sooner had I acquiesced in the arrangements for that event which was +to seal my destiny, than a confused feeling of regret came upon me. An +oppression stole upon my spirits. The sounds of flattery and +protestation I heard like a drowsy murmur, reaching the ear without +impressing the mind; and the gay forms of my companions flitted before +me like their fellow-moths in the sun-beam, which the eye pursues, but +not the thoughts. Yet I had not resolution to quit the scene, which had +lost its charms for me. To think of meeting my father's eye; or being +left to meditate alone in a home which I was so soon to desert; of +seeing the objects which had been familiar to my childhood wear the +dreary aspect of that which we look upon perhaps for the last time, +might have appalled one far better enured than I to dare the assaults of +pain. But at last even the haunts of dissipation were forsaken by the +throng, and I had no choice but to go.</p> + +<p>Late in the night, silently, with the stealthy pace of guilt, I +re-entered that threshold which, till now, I had never trod but with the +first step of confidence. With breath suppressed, with the half reverted +eye of fear, I passed my father's chamber; as superstition passes the +haunt of departed spirits. In profound silence I suffered my attendant +to do her office; then threw myself upon my bed, with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span> an eager but +fruitless wish to escape the tumult of my thoughts in forgetfulness.</p> + +<p>Sleep, however, came not at my bidding. Yet, watchful as I was, I might +rather be said to dream than to think. A well ordered mind can dare to +confront difficulty,—can choose whether patience shall endure, or +prudence mitigate, or resolution overcome, the threatened evil. But when +was this vigorous frame of soul gained in the lap of self-indulgence? +When was the giant foiled by him who is accustomed to shrink even from +shadows? The dread of my father's displeasure,—an undefined reluctance +to the connection I was forming,—these, and a thousand other feelings +which crowded on my mind, were met with the plea, that no choice now +remained to me; the stale resort of those who are averse from their +fate, but more averse from the exertion which might overcome it. The +upbraidings of conscience, I answered with the supposed claims of +honour; silencing the inward voice, which might have told me, how +culpable was that levity which had set justice and filial duty at +unnatural variance. Considerate review of the past, rational plan for +the future, had no more place in my thoughts, than in the fevered fancy +that sees on every side a thousand unsightly shapes, which, ere it can +define one of them, have given place to a thousand more. At last this +turmoil yielded to mere bodily exhaustion; and my distressful musings +were interrupted by short slumbers, from which I started midway in my +fall from the precipice, or chilled with struggling in the flood.</p> + +<p>I rose long before my usual hour, and sought relief from inaction in +preparations for my ill-omened journey. After selecting and packing up +some necessary articles of dress, I sat down to write a few lines to be +delivered to my father after my departure. But I found it impossible to +express my feelings, yet disguise my purpose; and having written nearly +twenty billets, and destroyed them all, I determined to defer asking +forgiveness till I had consummated my offence.</p> + +<p>The hour of breakfast, which my father always insisted upon having +punctually observed, was past before I could summon courage to enter the +parlour. I approached the door; then, losing resolution, retired;—drew +near again, and listened whether my father's voice sounded from within. +All was still, and I ventured to proceed, ashamed that a servant, who +stood near, should witness my hesitation. I cast a timid glance towards +my father's accustomed seat; it was vacant, and I drew a deep breath, as +if a mountain had been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span> lifted from my breast. 'Where is Mr Percy?' I +enquired. 'He went out early, ma'am,' answered the servant, 'and said he +should not breakfast at home.' Miss Arnold and I sat down to a silent +and melancholy meal. I could neither speak of the subject which weighed +upon my heart, nor force my attention to any other theme.</p> + +<p>And now a new distress assailed me. While I had every moment expected +the presence of an injured parent, dread of that presence was all +powerful. But now when that expectation was withdrawn, my soul recoiled +from tearing <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'assunder'">asunder</ins> the bonds of affection, ere they were loosened by +one parting word,—one look of farewell. I remembered, that our last +intercourse had been chilled by mutual displeasure, and could I go +without uttering one kindly expression?—without striving to win one +little endearment which I might treasure in my heart, as perhaps a last +relic of a father's love? I quitted my scarcely tasted meal, to watch at +a window for his coming. My eye accidentally rested on the spot where +Maitland had disappeared, and another shade was added to the dark colour +of my thoughts. 'He will never know,' thought I, 'how deeply my honour +is pledged; and what will he think of me, when he hears that I have left +my father?—left him without even one farewell! No! this I will not do.'</p> + +<p>The resolution was scarcely formed, when I saw Lady St Edmunds' carriage +drive rapidly up to the door. I hastened to receive her; and drawing her +apart, informed her of my father's absence, and besought her, either to +send or go, and excuse me to Lord Frederick for this one day at least. +Lady St Edmunds expostulated against this instance of caprice. She +represented my father's absence as a favourable circumstance tending to +save me the pain of suppressing, and the danger of betraying my +feelings. She protested, that she would never be accessory to inflicting +so cruel a disappointment upon a lover of Lord Frederick's passionate +temperament. She remonstrated so warmly against the barbarity of such a +breach of promise, and expressed such apprehension of its consequences, +that, in the blindness of vanity, I suffered myself to imagine it more +inhuman to destroy an expectation of yesterday, than to blight the hopes +of seventeen years. Lady St Edmunds immediately followed up her victory, +and hurried me away.</p> + +<p>I sought the companion of my early day, and hastily took such an +ambiguous farewell as my fatal secret would allow. 'Juliet,' said I, +wringing her hand, 'I must leave you for a while. If my father miss me, +you must supply my place. I charge you, dearest Juliet, if you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span> have any +regard for me, show him such kindness as—as I ought to have done.' My +strange expressions,—my faltering voice,—my strong emotion, could not +escape the observation of Miss Arnold; but she was determined not to +discover a secret which it was against her interest to know. With an air +of the most unconscious carelessness, she dropped the hand which +lingered in her hold; and not a shade crossed the last smile that ever +she bestowed upon the friend of her youth.</p> + +<p>A dark mist spread before my eyes, as I quitted the dwelling of my +father; and ere I was again sensible to the objects which surrounded me, +all that had been familiar to my sight were left far behind. Lady St +Edmunds cheered my failing spirits,—she soothed me with the words of +kindness,—pressed me to become her guest immediately on my return from +Scotland,—and to call her house my home, until my reconciliation with +my father; a reconciliation of which she spoke as of no uncertain event. +She interested me by lively characters of my new connections, pointing +out, with great acuteness, my probable avenues to the favour of each, +although it appeared that she herself had missed the way. Her +conversation had its usual effect upon me; and, by the time we reached +Barnet, my elastic spirits had in part risen from their depression. Yet, +when we stopped at the inn-door, something in the nature of woman made +me shrink from the expected sight of my bridegroom; and I drew back into +the corner of the carriage, while Lady St Edmunds alighted. But the +flush of modesty deepened to that of anger, when I perceived that my +lover was not waiting to welcome his bride. 'A good specimen this of the +ardour of a secure admirer,' thought I, as in moody silence I followed +my companion into a parlour.</p> + +<p>The attendant whom Lady St Edmunds had despatched to enquire for Lord +Frederick now returned to inform her that his Lordship had not arrived. +'He must be here in five minutes at farthest,' said Lady St Edmunds, in +answer to a kind of sarcastic laugh with which I received this +intimation; and she stationed herself at a window, to watch for his +arrival, while I affected to be wholly occupied with the portraits of +the Durham Ox and the Godolphin Arabian. The five minutes, however, were +doubly past, and still no Lord Frederick appeared. Lady St Edmunds +continued to watch for them, foretelling his approach in every carriage +that drove up; but when her prediction had completely failed, she began +to lose patience. 'I could have betted a thousand guineas,' said she, +'that he would serve us this trick; for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span> he never kept an appointment in +his life.'</p> + +<p>'His Lordship need not hurry himself,' said I, 'for I mean to beg a +place in your Ladyship's carriage to town.'</p> + +<p>After another pause, however, Lady St Edmunds declared her opinion, that +some accident must have befallen her nephew. 'Only an accident to his +memory, madam, I fancy,' said I, and went on humming an opera tune.</p> + +<p>After waiting, however, nearly an hour, my spirit could brook the slight +no longer; and I impatiently urged Lady St Edmunds to return with me +instantly to town. My friend, for a while, endeavoured to obtain some +further forbearance towards the tardy bridegroom; but, finding me +peremptory, she consented to go. Still, however, she contrived to delay +our departure, by calling for refreshments, and ordering her horses to +be fed. At length my indignant pride overcoming even the ascendency of +Lady St Edmunds, I impatiently declared, that if she would not instantly +accompany me, I would order a carriage, and return home alone.</p> + +<p>We had now remained almost two hours at the inn; and my companion +beginning herself to despair of Lord Frederick's appearance, no longer +protracted our stay. She had already ordered her sociable to the door, +when a horseman was heard gallopping up with such speed, that, before +she could reach the window, he was already dismounted. 'This must be he +at last!' cried Lady St Edmunds. 'Now he really deserves that you should +torment him a little.'</p> + +<p>A man's step approached the door. It opened, and I turned away pouting, +yet cast back a look askance, to ascertain whether the intruder was Lord +Frederick. I saw only a servant, who delivered a letter to Lady St +Edmunds, and retired. The renewed anger and mortification which swelled +my breast were soon, however, diverted by an exclamation from my +companion, of astonishment not unmixed with dismay. Strong curiosity now +mingled with my indignant feelings. I turned to Lady St Edmunds; and +thought I gathered from her confused expressions, that she held in her +hand a letter of apology from Lord Frederick, which also contained +intelligence of disastrous importance.</p> + +<p>What this intelligence was, I saw that she hesitated to announce. Her +hesitation alarmed me, for I was obliged to infer from it, that she had +news to communicate which concerned me yet more nearly than the +desertion of Lord Frederick. Already in a state of irritation which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span> +admitted not of cool enquiry, I mixed my scornful expressions of +indifference as to the conduct of my renegado lover, with breathless, +half-uttered questions of its cause. 'Indeed, Miss Percy,' stammered +Lady St Edmunds, 'it is a very—very disagreeable office which Lord +Frederick has thought fit to lay upon me. To be sure, every one is +liable to misfortune, and I dare say you will show that you can bear it +with proper spirit. Your father—but you tremble—you had better swallow +a little wine.'</p> + +<p>'What of my father?' I exclaimed; and with an impatience which burst +through all restraints, I snatched the letter from her hands; and, in +spite of her endeavours to prevent me, glanced over its contents. I have +accidentally preserved this specimen of modern sentiment, and shall here +transcribe it:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>'My dear St E.,—The Percys are blown to the devil. The old one has +failed for near a million. By the luckiest chance upon earth, I +heard of it not five minutes before I was to set out. See what a +narrow escape I have had from blowing out my own brains. I would +have despatched Hodson sooner, but waited to make sure of the fact. +I shall set about Darnel immediately—a confounded exchange, for +the Percy was certainly the finest girl in London. By the by, make +the best story you can for me. I know she likes me, for all her +wincing; and I shall need some little private comfort, if I marry +that ugly thing Darnel.</p> + +<p class="blocksig"> +'Yours ever,<br /> +<span class="blocksig2">'F. De Burgh.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>'You need not quake for your five thousand—Darnel will bite at +once.'</p></blockquote> + +<p>The amazement with which I read this letter instantly gave place to +doubts of the misfortune which it announced. I had been so accustomed to +rest secure in the possession of splendid affluence, that a sudden +reverse appeared incredible. It occurred to me that some groundless +report must have misled Lord Frederick, who was thus outwitted by his +own avarice. But, when I reached the close of his sentimental billet, +scorn and indignation overpowered every other feeling. 'The luckiest +chance!' I exclaimed. 'Well may he call it so! Oh what a wretch have I +escaped! What a complication of all that is basest and vilest!—No!' +said I, detaining with a disdainful smile the letter, which Lady St +Edmunds reached her hand to receive, 'No!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span> this I will keep, as a +memorial of the disinterestedness of man, and the "passionate +temperament" of Lord Frederick de Burgh. Now, I suppose your Ladyship +will not object to returning instantly to town.'</p> + +<p>Lady St Edmunds, who actually seemed to quail beneath my eye, made no +objection to this proposal; but followed in silence, as I haughtily led +the way to the carriage. We entered, and it drove rapidly homewards.</p> + +<p>My thoughts again recurring to the letter, another light now flashed +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'upn'">upon</ins> me; and a stronger burst of resentment swelled my heart. 'This +epistle,' I suddenly exclaimed, 'is a master-teacher. It shows me the +sincerity of friends, as well as the tenderness of lovers. Where was +your boasted friendship, Lady St Edmunds?—where was your common +humanity, when you took advantage of a foolish pity—a mistaken sense of +honour—to lure me into a marriage with that heartless earth-worm? Me, +whom you pretended to love,—me, whom in common justice and +gratitude——' The remembrance of all my affection for this treacherous +friend choked my voice, and forced bitter—bitter tears to my eyes; but +pride, with a strong effort, suppressed the gentler feeling, and I +turned scornfully from the futile excuses and denials of my false +counsellor.</p> + +<p>Resentment, however, at length began to give place to apprehension, when +I reflected upon the decisive terms in which Lord Frederick announced my +father's ruin, and the certainty which he must have attained of the +fact, before he could have determined finally to relinquish his pursuit. +Some circumstances tended to confirm his assertion. I now recollected +the letter which my father had read with such evident emotion; and his +unusual absence in the morning, before the customary hours of business. +I vainly endeavoured to balance against these his late boast of his +immense possessions, and the improbability of a wreck so sudden.</p> + +<p>In spite of myself, an anxious dread fell upon me. My knees trembled; my +face now glowed with a hurried flush; and now a cold shudder ran through +my limbs. But disdaining to expose my alarm to her who had betrayed my +security, I proudly struggled with my anguish, affecting a careless +disbelief of my misfortune, and an easy scorn of the summer friendships +which had fled from its very name. I even strove to jest upon Lord +Frederick's premature desertion, bursting at times into wild hysterical +laughter.</p> + +<p>The duration of our journey seemed endless; yet when I came within sight +of my father's house, I would have given a universe to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span> delay the +certainty of what I feared. Every breath became almost a sob,—every +movement convulsive, while, in the agony of suppressed emotion, I fixed +my straining eyes upon my home, as if they could have penetrated into +the souls of its inhabitants. The carriage stopped; and, scarcely +hearing Lady St Edmunds' polite excuse for not entering the house of +mourning, I sprang towards the door.</p> + +<p>It was long ere my repeated summons was answered. 'Has my father enquired +for me?' I hastily demanded, as I entered.</p> + +<p>'No, ma'am,—he never spoke.'</p> + +<p>'Is he at home?'</p> + +<p>'Mr Percy is—is in the house, ma'am, but——' The man paused, and his +face wore a ghastly expression of horror.</p> + +<p>A dark and shapeless dread rushed across my mind; but the cup was +already full, and I could bear no more. I sunk down in strong +convulsions.</p> + +<p>And must I recall those hours of horror?—Must I bare, one by one, the +wounds which no time can heal?—Must I retrace, step by step, the +fearful way which led me to the very verge of madness?</p> + +<p>Could I but escape one horrible picture, I would meet, without +recoiling, the remembrance of the rest. But it must not be. To make my +melancholy tale intelligible, the arrow must once more enter into my +soul, and the truth be told, though it palsy the hand that writes it.</p> + +<p>A long forgetfulness was varied only by dim recollections, which came +and went like the fitful dreams of delirium. My first distinct +impression of the past was formed, when, awaking as if from a deep +sleep, I found myself alone in my chamber. My flight,—the humiliation +which it had brought upon me,—the treachery of my friend,—the prospect +of ruin, all stood at once before me.</p> + +<p>My soul, already wounded by affection abused, felt the deserted +loneliness in which I was left as a confirmation of the dreaded evil. +Juliet Arnold, the companion of my pleasures, came to my thoughts, and +her absence stung me like neglect. 'All, all have forsaken me,' thought +I. 'Yet there is one heart still open to me. My father will love me +still. My father will take me to his breast. And if I must hear the +worst, I will hear it from him who has never betrayed me,—who will +never cast me off.'</p> + +<p>With thoughts like these I quitted my bed, and stole feebly towards my +father's apartment. The lights which were wont to blaze cheerfully,—the +attendants who used to crowd the halls,—were vanished. A dark twilight +faintly showed my way. A strange and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span> dreary silence reigned around me.</p> + +<p>I entered my father's chamber. A red glare from the sky gave it a dismal +increase of light. Upon a couch lay a form that seemed my father's. The +face I saw not. A cloth frightfully stained with blood——No!—It cannot +be told. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 5em;"><i>——And yet I breathed!</i></span><br /> +<i>But not the breath of human life!<br /> +A serpent round my heart was wreathed,<br /> +And stung my every thought to strife.<br /> +Alike all time! Abhorred all place!<br /> +Shuddering I shrunk from nature's face,<br /> +Where every line that charmed before,<br /> +The blackness of my bosom wore.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Lord Byron.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>From long and dangerous faintings, I revived almost to frenzy. I shed no +tears. These are the expression of a milder form of suffering. One +horrible image filled my soul; one sense of anguish so strong, so +terrible, that every other feeling,—every faculty of mind and body was +benumbed in its grasp. Vainly did my awful duties summon me to their +performance. I was incapable of action, almost of thought. My eye +wandered over surrounding objects, but saw them not. The words which +were spoken to me conveyed no meaning to my mind.</p> + +<p>At length the form of my early friend seemed to flit before me. She +spoke; and though I could not follow the meaning of her words, the +sounds were those of kindness. The familiar voice, long associated with +so many kindly thoughts, reached the heart, waking a milder tone of +feeling; and resting my throbbing head upon her breast, I found relief +in a passionate burst of tears. Little did I think how small was the +share which friendship or compassion could claim in this visit of my +friend to the house of mourning! Little did I guess that its chief +motive was to rescue the gifts of my prodigality from being confounded +with the property of a bankrupt!</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span></p> + +<p>She did not long remain with me; for friends more sympathising than she +are soon weary of witnessing the unrestrained indulgence of grief. Yet +she did not leave me abruptly. She was too much accustomed to follow the +smooth path of conciliation, that she continued to pursue it even when +it no longer promised advantage; and she satisfied me with some +plausible excuse for going, and with a promise of speedy return.</p> + +<p>The tears which for many hours I continued to shed relieved my oppressed +spirit; and by degrees I awoke to a full sense of my altered state. From +the proudest security of affluence,—from a fearless confidence in +myself, and in all around me, one fatal stroke had dashed me for ever. A +darker storm had burst upon me, and wrought a ruin more deep, more +irretrievable. That tie, which not the hardest heart resigns without +pain, had been torn from mine with force sudden and terrible; and a pang +unutterable had been added to that misfortune which turns love, and +reverence, and gratitude into anguish. What could be added to those +horrors, except that conscience should rise in her fury to remind me +that, when my presence might have soothed my father's sorrows, I had +been absent with an injurious purpose; and that the arrows of misfortune +had been rendered mortal by the rebellion of his child? This last +incurable pang the mercy of Heaven has saved me. I learned that my +father died ignorant of my intended flight.</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold, I found, had quitted our house for that of her brother, as +soon as our last and worst disaster was discovered by the domestics. Of +all the summer friends who had amused my prosperity, not one approached +to comfort my affliction. Even my servants, chosen without regard to +their moral character, and treated with reference to its improvement; +corrupted by the example of dissipation; undisciplined and +uninstructed,—repaid the neglect of my domestic duties by a hardened +carelessness of my wants and will. After the first transports of grief +had subsided, I observed this desertion; and I felt it with all the +jealousy of misfortune. Not three days were passed since a crowd of +obsequious attendants had anticipated my commands; now I could scarcely +obtain even the slight service which real necessity required.</p> + +<p>The remains of my unfortunate father still lay near me; and, unable to +overcome my horror of passing the chamber of death, I remained entirely +secluded in my apartment. The first intruder upon this seclusion was the +person who came to seal my father's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span> repositories of papers and money. +Having performed his office elsewhere, he entered my apartment with +little ceremony; and, telling me that he understood my father had +intrusted me with jewels of value, informed me, that it was necessary to +prevent access to them for the present. Accustomed as I was to receive +all outward testimonies of respect, the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'instrusion'">intrusion</ins> of a stranger at such +a time appeared to me a savage outrage. I was ignorant of all the forms +of business; and his errand assumed the nature of the most insulting +suspicion. Had all the jewels of the earth lain at my feet he might have +borne them away unresisted by me; but the proud spirit which grief had +bowed almost to the dust roused itself at once to repel insult; and, +pointing to the casket, I haughtily commanded him to do his office +quickly and begone. By this sally of impatience, a few trinkets of value +which I might have justly claimed as my own were lost to me, being +contained in the casket which I thus suffered to be appropriated.</p> + +<p>Insulted as I thought, and persecuted in my only place of refuge, I +became desirous to quit my dismal abode. I imagined, that whatever +impropriety there might be in the continuance of Juliet's residence in +my desolate habitation, there could be no reason to deter me from taking +refuge with my friend;—my gentle, my affectionate friend, who had ever +rejoiced in my prosperity, and gloried in my accomplishments, and loved +even my faults. Checking the tears which gushed from my eyes at the +thought that a father's roof must shelter me no more, I announced my +intention to my friend in a short billet:—'Come to me, dearest Juliet,' +I said, 'come and take me from this house of misery, I only stipulate, +that you will not ask me to join your brother's family circle. I wish to +see no human being except yourself,—for who is there left me to love +but you?—Your own <span class="smcap">Ellen Percy</span>.'</p> + +<p>The servant whom I despatched with this note brought back for answer, +that Miss Arnold was not at home. I had been accustomed to find every +one, but especially Miss Arnold, ever ready to attend my pleasure; and +even the easiest lessons of patience were yet new to the spoiled child +of prosperity. My little disappointment was aggravated by the +captiousness with which the unfortunate watch for instances of +coldness and neglect. 'Not at home! Ah,' thought I, 'what pleasure +should I have found in idle visiting or amusement, while she was +wretched?' Still I never doubted, that the very hour of her return +would bring her to welcome and to comfort her desolate friend. I +waited impatiently,—listened to every sound; and started at every<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span> +footstep which echoed through my dreary dwelling. But the cheerless +evening closed in, and brought no friend. I passed the hours, now in +framing her excuse, now in reproaching her unkindness, till the night +was far spent; then laid my weary head upon my pillow, and wept myself +to sleep.</p> + +<p>The morning came, and I rose early, that I might be ready to accompany +my friend without delay. But I took my comfortless meal alone. Alone I +passed the hour in which Juliet and I had been accustomed to plan the +pastime of the day. The hour came at which my gay equipage was wont to +attend our call. Just then I heard a carriage stop at the door, and my +sad heart gave one feeble throb of pleasure; for I doubted not that +Juliet was come. It was the hearse which came to bear my father to his +grave.—Juliet, and all things but my lost father, were for a time +forgotten.</p> + +<p>But as the paroxysm of sorrow subsided, I again became sensible to this +unkind delay. My billet had now been so long despatched without +obtaining a reply even of cold civility, that I began to doubt the +faithfulness of my messenger, I refused to believe that my note had ever +reached Miss Arnold; and I endeavoured to shut my eyes against the +indifference which even in that case was implied in her leaving me so +long to solitary affliction. I was going once more to summon the bearer +of my melancholy billet, that I might renew my enquiries in regard to +its delivery, when the long expected answer was at length brought to me. +I impatiently tore it open, anxious to learn what strong necessity had +compelled my friend to substitute for her own presence this colder form +of welcome. No welcome, even of the coldest form, was there. With many +expressions of condolence, and some even of affection, she informed me +of her sorrow 'that she could not receive my visit. I must be aware,' +she said, 'that one whose good name was her only dowry should guard the +frail treasure with double care. Grieved as she was to wound me, she was +obliged to say, that the publicity of my elopement appeared to her +brother an insuperable bar to the continuance of our intimacy. +Resistance to his will,' she said, 'was impossible, even if that will +had been less reasonable than, with grief, she confessed it to be. But +though she must withhold all outward demonstrations of regard, she would +ever remain my grateful and obedient servant.'</p> + +<p>I sat motionless as the dead, whilst I deciphered these inhuman words. +The icebolt had struck me to the heart. For a time I was stunned by the +blow, and a dull stupor overpowered all recollection.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span> Then, suddenly the +anguish of abused affection,—the iron fangs of ingratitude,—entered +into my soul; and all that grief, and all that indignation can inflict, +burst in bitterness upon the wounded spirit. I gazed wildly on the cruel +billet, while, twisting it in the grasp of agony, I wrenched it to atoms; +then, raising to heaven an eye of blasphemy, I dared to insult the Father +of Mercies with a cry for vengeance.</p> + +<p>But the transport of passion quickly subsided into despair. I threw +myself upon the ground; longing that the earth would open and shelter me +from the baseness of mankind. I closed my eyes, and wished in bitterness +of soul that it were for ever. Sometimes, as memory recalled some kinder +endearment of my ill-requited affection, I would start as beneath the +sudden stab of murder; then bow again my miserable head, and remain in +the stillness of the grave.</p> + +<p>No ray of consolation cheered me. The world, which had so lately +appeared bright with pleasure,—the worthy habitation of beings +benevolent and happy, was now involved in the gloom, and peopled with +the unsightly shapes of darkness. While my mind glanced towards the +selfishness of Lord Frederick, and the treachery of Lady St +Edmunds,—while it dwelt upon the desertion of her who, for seven years, +had shared my heart and all else that I had to bestow, the human kind +appeared to me tainted with the malignity of fiends, and I alone born to +be the victim of their craft,—the sport of their cruelty!</p> + +<p>How often has the same merciless aspersion been cast upon their +fellow-creatures by those who, like me, have repelled the friendship of +the virtuous? How often, and how unjustly, do they who choose their +associate for the hour of sunshine, complain when he shrinks from the +bitter blast? Oh that my severe experience could warn unwary beings like +myself! Oh that they would learn from my fate to shun the fellowship of +the unprincipled! Even common reason may teach them to despair of +awakening real regard in her whom infinite benefits cannot attach,—nor +infinite excellence delight,—nor infinite forgiveness constrain. She +wants the very stamina of generous affection; and is destined to wind +her way through all the heartless schemes and cowardly apostasies of +selfishness.</p> + +<p>From the stupor of despair, I was roused by the entrance of the stranger +who had before intruded. In the jealous reserve of an anguish too mighty +to be profaned by exposure, I rose from my dejected posture; and, with +frozen steadiness, enquired, 'what new<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span> indignity I had now to bear?' +The stranger, awed as it seemed by something in my look and manner, +informed me, not without respectful hesitation, that he was commissioned +by the creditors to tell me I know not what of forms and rights, of +willingness to allow me all reasonable accommodation, and such property +as I might justly claim, and to remind me of the propriety of appointing +a friend to watch over my further interests. One word only of the speech +was fitted to arrest my attention. 'Friend!' I repeated, with a smile +such as wrings the heart more than floods of womanly tears. 'Any one may +do the office of a friend! Ay, even one of those kindly souls who drove +my father to desperation,—who refused him the poor boon of delay, when +delay might have retrieved all! Any of them can insult and renounce me. +This is the modern office of a friend, is it not?'</p> + +<p>The stranger, gazing on me with astonishment, proceeded to request, that +I would name an early day for removing from my present habitation; since +the creditors only waited for my departure, to dismiss the servants, and +to bring my father's house, with all that it contained, to public sale. +He added, that he was commissioned by them to present me with a small +sum for my immediate occasions.</p> + +<p>To be thus forcibly expelled from the home, where, till now, I could +command; to be offered as an alms a pittance from funds which I had +considered as my hereditary right; to be driven forth to the cold world +with all my wounds yet bleeding, stung me as instances of severe +injustice and oppression. My spirit, sore with recent injury, writhed +under the rude touch. Already goaded almost to frenzy, I told the +stranger, that 'had I recollected the rights of his employers, I would +not have owed the shelter even of a single night to those whose +barbarous exactions had destroyed my father; nor would I ever be +indebted to their charity, so long as the humanity of the laws would +bestow a little earth to cover me.'</p> + +<p>I pulled the bell violently, and gave orders that a hackney-coach should +be procured for me. It came almost immediately; and, without uttering +another word,—without raising my eyes,—without one expression of +feeling, except the convulsive shudderings of my frame, and the cold +drops that stood upon my forehead, I passed the apartment where my +father perished,—the spot where my mother poured upon me her last +blessing,—and cast myself upon the wide world without a friend or home.</p> + +<p>I ordered the carriage to an obscure street in the city; a narrow, dark, +and airless lane. I had once in my life been obliged to pass<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span> through +it, and it had impressed my mind as a scene of all that is dismal in +poverty and confinement. This very impression made me now choose it for +my abode; and I felt a strange and dreary satisfaction in adding this +consummation to the horrors of my fate. As the carriage proceeded, I +became sensible to the extreme disorder of my frame. Noise and motion +were torture to nerves already in the highest state of irritation. Fever +throbbed in every vein, and red flashes of light seemed to glare before +my heavy eyes. A hope stole upon my mind that all was near a close. I +felt a gloomy satisfaction in the thought, that surely my death would +reach the heart of my false friend; that surely when she knew that I had +found refuge in the grave from calumny and unkindness, she would wish +that she had spared me the deadly pang; and would lament that she had +doubled the burden which weighed me to the earth.</p> + +<p>When the carriage reached the place of its destination, the coachman +again applied to me for instructions; and I directed him to stop at any +house where lodgings could be obtained. After several ineffectual +enquiries, he drew up to the door of a miserable shop, where he was told +that a single room was to be hired. 'Would you please to look into my +little place yourself, madam?' said a decent-looking woman, who advanced +to meet me. 'It is clean, though it be small, and I should be very happy +that it would suit.'</p> + +<p>'Any thing will suit me,' answered I.</p> + +<p>'You, ma'am!' cried the woman in a tone of extreme surprise; then +placing herself just opposite to me, she seemed hesitating whether or +not she should allow me to pass. Indeed the contrast of my appearance +with the accommodation which I sought might well have awakened +suspicion. My mourning, in the choice of which I had taken no share, was +in material the most expensive, and in form of the highest fashion. The +wildness of despair was probably impressed on my countenance; and my +tall figure, lately so light and so elastic, bent under sickness and +dejection. The woman surveyed me with a curiosity, which in better days +I would have ill endured; but perceiving me ready to sink to the ground, +she relaxed her scrutiny, while she offered me a seat, which I eagerly +accepted. She then went to the door, upon pretence of desiring the +coachman to wait till I should ascertain whether her lodgings were such +as I approved; and they entered on a conversation in which I heard my +own name repeated. When she returned to me, she poured forth a torrent +of words, the meaning of which I was unable to follow, but which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span> seemed +intended to apologise for some suspicion. Never imagining that my +character could be the cause of hesitation, I fancied that the poor +woman doubted of my ability to pay for my accommodation; and drawing out +my purse, I put into her hands all that remained of an affluence which +had so lately been the envy of thousands. 'It is but a little,' said I, +'but it will outlast me.'</p> + +<p>I now desired to be shown to my apartment; and laboriously followed my +landlady up a steep miserable stair, into a chamber, low, close, and +gloomy. In a sort of recess, shaded by a patched curtain of faded +chintz, stood a bed, which, only a few days before, no degree of fatigue +could have induced me to occupy. Worn out, and heartbroken as I was, I +yet recoiled from it for a moment. 'But it matters not,' thought I, 'I +shall not occupy it long;' so I laid myself down without undressing, and +desired that I might be left alone.</p> + +<p>I was now, indeed, alone. In the wilfulness of desperation, I had myself +severed the few and slender ties which might still have bound me to +mankind; and I felt a sullen pleasure in the thought that my retreat was +inscrutable alike to feeble compassion and to idle curiosity. The widow, +whose roof afforded my humble shelter, and her daughter, a sickly, +ignorant, but industrious creature, at first persecuted me with +attentions; vainly trying to bribe, with such delicacies as they could +procure, the appetite which turned from all with the loathing of +disease. They urged me to send for my friends, and for medical advice. +They tried, though ignorant of my real distemper, to soothe me with +words of rude comfort. All was in vain. I seldom looked up, or returned +any other answer than a faint gesture of impatience; and, weary of my +obstinate silence, they at last desisted from their assiduities, nor +ever intruded on my solitude, except to bring relief to the parching +thirst which consumed me.</p> + +<p>Day after day passed on in the same dreary quiet. Night, and the +twilight of my gloomy habitation, succeeded each other, unnoticed by me. +Disease was preying on my constitution,—hopeless and indignant +rejection rankled in my mind. My ceaseless brooding over injury and +misfortune was only varied by the dreary consolation that all would soon +be lost in the forgetfulness of the grave.</p> + +<p>And could a rational and immortal creature turn on the grave a hope in +which religion had no part? Could a being, formed for hope and for +enjoyment, lose all that the earth has to offer, without reaching +forward an eager grasp towards joys less transient? When the meteors +which I had so fondly pursued were banished for ever,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span> did no ray from +the Fountain of Light descend to cheer my dark dwelling?—No. They who +have tasted that the Lord is good, return in their adversity with double +eagerness to taste his goodness. But I had lived without God in my +prosperity, and my sorrow was without consolation. In the sunshine of my +day I had refused the guiding cloud; and the pillar of fire was +withdrawn from my darkness. I had forgotten Him who filleth heaven and +earth,—and the heavens and the earth were become one dreary blank to +me. The tumult of feeling, indeed, unavoidably subsided; but it was into +a calm,—frozen, stern, and cheerless as the long night-calm of a polar +sea.</p> + +<p>From the supineness of sickness and despair, I was at last forced to +momentary exertion. My landlady renewed her entreaties that I would send +for my friends; enforcing her request by informing me that my little +fund was nearly exhausted. Disturbed with her importunity, and careless +of providing against difficulties from which I expected soon to escape, +I commanded her to desist. But my commands were no longer indisputable. +The woman probably fearing, from the continuance of my disorder, that my +death might soon involve her in trouble and expense, persisted in her +importunity. Finding me obstinately determined to persevere in +concealment, she proceeded to hint not obscurely, that it would be +necessary to consider of some means of supply, or to provide myself with +another abode. Only a few days were past since an insinuation like this +would have driven me indignant from a palace; but now the depression of +sickness was added to that of sorrow, and I only answered, <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'than'">that</ins> when I +could no longer repay her trouble, I would release her from it.</p> + +<p>Dissatisfied, however, with an assurance which she foresaw that I might +be unable to fulfil, the widow proceeded to enquire whether I retained +any properly which could be converted into money; and mentioned a ring +which she observed me to wear. Dead as I was to all earthly affection, I +firmly refused to part with this ring, for it had been my mother's. I +had drawn it a hundred times from her slender hand, and she thought it +best employed as a toy for her little Ellen, while yet its quickly +shifting rays made its only value to me. 'No!' said I, as the woman +urged me to dispose of it, 'this shall go with me to the grave, in +memory that one heart had human feeling towards me.' The landlady, +however, venturing a tedious remonstrance against this resolution, the +dying fire again gave a momentary flash. 'Be silent,' I cried. 'Speak to +me no more till I am penniless; then tell me so at once, and I will that +instant leave your house, though I die at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span> threshold!' Highly +offended by this haughty command, the woman immediately retired, leaving +me for the rest of that day in total solitude.</p> + +<p>An evil was now ready to fall upon me, for which I was wholly unprepared +either by experience or reflection. Unaccustomed as I was to approach +the abodes of poverty, the very form of want was new to me; and since I +had myself been numbered with the poor, my thoughts had chiefly dwelt +upon my past misfortunes, or taken refuge from the anticipation of +future distress in the prospect of dissolution. But, in spite of my +wishes and my prophecies, abstinence, and the strength of my +constitution, prevailed over my disorder. My heavy eyes were this night +visited by a deep and refreshing sleep, from which I awoke not till a +mid-day sun glanced through the smoke a dull ray upon the chimney crags +that bounded my horizon.</p> + +<p>I looked up with a murmur of regret that I was restored to +consciousness. 'Why,' thought I, 'must the flaring light revisit those +to whom it brings no comfort?' and I closed my eyes in thankless +impatience of my prolonged existence. Oh, where is the <i>human</i> +physician, whose patience would endure to have his every prescription +questioned, and vilified, and rejected! whose pitying hand would offer +again and again the medicine which in scorn we dash from our lips!—No! +Such forbearance dwells with one Being alone; and such perverseness we +reserve for the infallible Physician.</p> + +<p>I presently became sensible that my fever had abated. With a deep +feeling of disappointment I perceived that death had eluded my desires; +and that I must return to the thorny and perplexing path where the +serpent lurked to sting, and tigers prowled for prey. While my thoughts +were thus engaged, a footstep crossed my chamber; but, lost in my gloomy +reverie, I suffered it, ere I raised my eyes, to approach close to my +bed. I was roused by a cry of strong and mingled feeling. 'Miss +Mortimer!' I exclaimed; but she could not speak. She threw herself upon +my bed, and wept aloud. The voice of true affection for a moment touched +my heart; but I remembered that the words of kindness had soothed only +to deceive; and stern recollection of my wrongs steeled me against +better thoughts.</p> + +<p>'Why are you come hither, Miss Mortimer?' said I, coldly withdrawing +myself from her arms.</p> + +<p>'Unkind Ellen!' returned my weeping friend; 'could I know that you were +in sorrow and not seek you? May I not comfort,—or, if that cannot be, +may I not mourn with you?'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span></p> + +<p>'I do not mourn—I want no comfort—leave me.'</p> + +<p>'Oh say not so, dearest child. You are not forbidden to feel. Let us +weep together under the chastisement, and trust together that there is +mercy in it.'</p> + +<p>'Mercy! no. I have been dashed without pity to the earth, and there will +I lie till it open to receive me.'</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer gazed on me in sorrowful amazement; then, wringing her +hands as in sudden anguish, 'Oh, Heaven!' she cried, 'is this my +Ellen?—Is this the joyous spirit that brought cheerfulness wherever it +came?—Is this the face that was bright with life and pleasure? +Loveliest, dearest, how hast thou lost the comfort which belongs even to +the lowest of mankind,—the hope which is offered even to the worst of +sinners?'</p> + +<p>'Leave me, Miss Mortimer!' I cried, impatient of the self-reproach which +her sorrow awakened in my breast. 'I wish only to die in peace. Must +even this be denied me?'</p> + +<p>'Ellen, my beloved Ellen, is that what you call peace?—Oh Thou who +alone canst, deign to visit this troubled soul with the peace of thy +children!' Miss Mortimer turned from me, and ceased to speak; but I saw +her wasted hand lifted as in prayer, and her sobs attested the fervency +of the petition. After a short silence, making a visible effort to +compose herself, she again addressed me. 'Do not ask me to leave you, +Ellen,' said she. 'I came hither, resolved not to return without you. If +you are too weak to-day for our little journey, I will nurse you here. +Nay, you must not forbid me. I will sit by you as still as death. Or, +make an effort, my love, to reach home with me, and I will not intrude +on you for a minute. You shall not even be urged to join my solitary +meals. It will be comfort enough for me to feel that you are near.'</p> + +<p>I could not be wholly insensible to an invitation so affectionate; but I +struggled against my better self, and pronounced a hasty and peremptory +refusal. Miss Mortimer looked deeply grieved and disappointed; but hers +was that truly Christian spirit whose kindness no ingratitude could +discourage, whose meekness no perverseness could provoke. She might have +checked the untoward plant in its summer pride; but the lightning had +scathed it, and it was become sacred in her eyes.</p> + +<p>Sparing the irritability of the wounded spirit, she <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'forebore'">forbore</ins> to fret it +by further urging her request. She rather endeavoured to soothe me by +every expression of tenderness and respect. She at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span> last submitted so +far to my wayward humour, as to quit my apartment; aware, perhaps, that +the spirit which roused itself against opposition might yield to +solitary reflection. The voice of kindness, which I had expected never +more to hear, stirred in my breast a milder nature; and as my eye +followed the feeble step of Miss Mortimer, and read her wasted +countenance, my heart smote me for my resistance to her love. 'She has +risen from a sick-bed to seek me,' thought I; 'me, renounced as I have +been by all mankind,—bereft as I am of all that allured the perfidious. +Surely <i>this</i> is not treachery.'</p> + +<p>My reverie was suddenly interrupted by poor Fido, who made good his +entrance as Miss Mortimer left the room; and instantly began to express, +as he could, his recognition of his altered mistress. The sight of him +awakened at once a thousand recollections. It recalled to my mind my +former petulant treatment of my mother's friend, her invariable patience +and affection, and the remorse excited by our separation. My mother +herself rose to my view, such as she was when Fido and I had gamboled +together by her side,—such as she was when sinking in untimely decay. I +felt again the caress which memory shall ever hold dear and holy. I saw +again the ominous flush brighten her sunken cheek; knelt once more at +her feet to pray that we might meet again; and heard once more the +melancholy cry which spoke the pang of a last farewell. The stubborn +spirit failed. I threw my arms round my mother's poor old favourite, and +melted into tears. These tears were the first which I had shed since the +unkindness of my altered friend had turned my gentler affections into +gall;—and let those who would know the real luxury of grief turn from +the stern anguish of a proud heart to the mild regrets which follow +those who are gone beyond the reach of our gratitude and our love.</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer did not leave me long alone. She returned to bring me +refreshment better suited to my past habits and present weakness than to +her own very limited finances. As she entered, I hastily concealed my +tears; but when her accents of heartfelt affection mingled in my soul +with the recollections which were already there, the claim of my +mother's friend grew irresistible. A half confession of my late +ingratitude rose to my lips; but that to which Ellen, the favoured child +of fortune, might have condescended as an instance of graceful candour, +seemed an act of meanness in Ellen fallen and dependent. I pressed Miss +Mortimer's hand between mine. 'My best,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span> my only friend!' said I; and +Miss Mortimer asked no more. It was sufficient for the generous heart +that its kindness was at last felt and accepted. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;"><i>——Fruit——some harsh, 'tis true,</i></span><br /> +<i>Pick'd from the thorns and briars of reproof;<br /> +But wholesome, well-digested; grateful some<br /> +To palates that can taste immortal truth;<br /> +Insipid else, and sure to be despised.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Cowper.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>The news of my father's misfortune no sooner reached Miss Mortimer's +retirement, than she made an exertion beyond her strength, that she +might visit and comfort me. At my father's house, she learnt that I was +gone no one knew whither; but the conveyance which I had chosen enabled +her at last to trace my retreat, and she lost not a moment in following +me thither. There, with all the tenderness of love, and all the +perseverance of duty, she watched over my returning health; nor ever +quitted me by night or by day, till I was able to accompany her home.</p> + +<p>It was on a golden summer morning that we together left my dreary +lurking-place. The sun shone forth as brightly as on the last day that I +had visited Miss Mortimer's abode; the trees were in yet fuller foliage; +and the hues of spring were ripening to the richer tints of autumn. The +river flashed as gaily in the beam, and the vessels veered as proudly to +the breeze. My friend sought to cheer my mind by calling my attention to +the bright and busy scene. But the smile which I called up to answer her +cares, came not from the heart. Cold and undelighted I turned from the +view. 'To what end,' thought I, 'should this prison-house be so adorned? +this den of the wretched and the base!' So dismal a change had a few +weeks wrought upon this goodly frame of things to me. But thus it ever +fares with those who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span> refuse to contemplate the world with the eye of +reason and of religion. In the day of prosperity, this foreign land is +their chosen rest, for which they willingly forget their Father's house, +but when the hours of darkness come, they refuse to find in it even +accommodations fitted for the pilgrim 'that tarries but a night.'</p> + +<p>When we had reached the cottage, and Miss Mortimer, with every testimony +of affection had welcomed me home, she led me to the apartment which was +thenceforth to be called my own. It was the gayest in my friend's simple +mansion. Its green walls, snowy curtains, and light furniture, were +models of neatness and order; and though the jessamine had been lately +pruned from the casement to enlarge my view, enough still remained to +adorn the projecting thatch with a little starry wreath.</p> + +<p>On one side of my window were placed some shelves containing a few +volumes of history, and the best works of our British essayists and +poets; on the other was a chest of drawers, in which I found all the +more useful part of my own wardrobe, secured to me by the considerate +attention of Miss Mortimer. My friend rigidly performed her promise of +leaving my time wholly at my own command. As soon as she had established +me in my apartment, she resigned it solely to me: nor ever reminded me, +by officious attentions, that I was a guest rather than an inmate. She +told me the hours at which her meals were punctually served, giving me +to understand that when I did not choose to join them, no warning or +apology was necessary; since, if I did not appear in the family-room, I +should be waited upon in my own. These arrangements being made, she +advised me to repose myself after the fatigue of my journey, and left me +alone. Wearied out by an exertion to which my strength was yet scarcely +equal, I laid myself on a bed more inviting than the last which I had +pressed, and soon dropped asleep.</p> + +<p>The evening was closing, when I was awakened by a strain of music so +soft, so low, that it seemed at first like a dream of the songs of +spirits. I listened, and distinguished the sounds of the evening hymn. +It was sung by Miss Mortimer; and never did humble praise,—never did +filial gratitude,—find a voice more suited to their expression. The +touching sweetness of her notes, heightened by the stillness of the +hour, roused an attention little used of late to fix on outward things. +'These are the sounds of thankfulness,' thought I. 'I saw her this +morning thank God, as if from the heart, for the light of a new day; and +now, having been spent in deeds of kindness, it is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span> closed as it began +in an act of thanksgiving. What does she possess above all women, to +call forth such gratitude? She is poor, lonely, neglected. She knows +that she has obtained but a short reprieve from a disease which will +waste away her life in lingering torture. Good Heaven! What is there in +all this to cause that prevailing temper of her mind; that principle as +it would appear, of all her actions?—She must have been born with this +happy turn of thought. And, besides, she has never known a better +fate;—blest, that poverty and solitude have kept her ignorant of the +treachery and selfishness of man!'</p> + +<p>The strain had ceased, and my thoughts returned to my own melancholy +fate. To escape from tormenting recollection, or rather in the mere +restlessness of pain, I opened a book which lay upon my table. It was my +mother's Bible. The first page was inscribed with her name, and the date +of my birth, written with her own hand. Below, my baptism was recorded +in the following words:—</p> + +<p>'This eleventh of January, 1775, I dedicated my dearest child to God. +May He accept and purify the offering, though it be with fire!'</p> + +<p>As I read these lines, the half prophetic words of my mother's parting +blessing flashed on my recollection. 'Oh, my mother!' I cried, 'couldst +thou have <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'forseen'">foreseen</ins> how bitter would be my "chastisement," couldst thou +have known, that the "fire" would consume all, would not thy love have +framed a far different prayer? Yes! for thou hadst a fellow-feeling in +every suffering, and how much above all in mine!'</p> + +<p>I proceeded to look for some further traces of a hand so dear. The book +opened of itself at a passage to which a natural feeling had often led +the parent who was soon to forget even her child in the unconsciousness +of the grave; and a slight mark in the margin directed my eye to this +sentence: 'Can a mother forget her sucking babe, that she should not +have compassion upon the son of her womb? Yea, she may forget, yet will +not I forget thee.'</p> + +<p>These words had often been read in my hearing, when my wandering mind +scarcely affixed a meaning to them; or when their touching condescension +was lost upon the proud child of prosperity. But now their coincidence +with the previous current of my thoughts seized at once my whole +attention. I started as if some strange and new discovery had burst upon +my understanding. Again I read the passage, and with a care which I had +never before bestowed on any part of the book which contains it. 'Is +this,' I enquired, 'an expression of the divine concern in each +individual of human kind?—No. It seems merely a national promise. Yet, +my mother has regarded it in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span> another light; else why has she marked it +so carefully?'</p> + +<p>It was in vain that I debated this question with myself. Such was my +miserable ignorance of all which it most behoved me to know, that I +never thought of explaining the letter of the Scriptures by resorting to +their spirit. My habitual propensities resisting every pious impression, +my mind revolted from the belief that parental love had adjusted every +circumstance of a lot which I accounted so severe as mine. To admit +this, was virtually to confess that I had need of correction; that I +had, to use Miss Mortimer's words, 'already reached that state when +mercy itself assumes the form of punishment.' Yet the soothing beauty of +the sentiment, the natural yearning of the friendless after an Almighty +friend, made me turn to the same passage again and again, till the +darkness closed in, and lulled me to a deep and solemn reverie.</p> + +<p>'Does the Great Spirit,' thought I, 'indeed watch over us? Does He work +all the changes of this changeful world? Does He rule with ceaseless +vigilance,—with irresistible control, whatever can affect my +destiny?—Can this be true?—If it be even possible, by what strange +infatuation has it been banished from my thoughts till now? But it +cannot be so. A man's own actions often mould his destiny; and if his +actions be compelled by an extraneous energy, he is no more than a mere +machine. The very idea is absurd.' And thus, to escape from a sense of +my own past insanity, I entered a labyrinth where human reason might +stray for ever,</p> + +<blockquote><p> +And find no end, in wandering mazes lost.<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>But the subject, perplexing as it was to my darkened understanding, had +seized upon my whole mind; and sleep fled my pillow, whilst in spite of +myself the question again and again recurred; 'If I be at the mercy of a +resistless power, why have I utterly neglected to propitiate this mighty +arbitrator? If the success of every purpose even possibly depended upon +his will, why was that will forgotten in all my purposes?'</p> + +<p>As soon as it was day I arose; and, with the eagerness of one who would +escape from suspense, I resorted to the book which had so lately +arrested my regard. I no longer glanced over its pages in careless +haste; for it offered my only present lights upon the questions, +interesting by their novelty as well as by their importance—whether I +had been guilty of the worse than childish improvidence, which, in +attending to trifles, overlooks the capital circumstance? or whether the +Creator, having dismissed us like orphans into a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span> fatherless world, is +regardless of our improvement, and deaf to our cry? My impatience of +doubt made me forget, for a time, that the very fact which confers upon +Scripture its authority, supposes a divine interference in human +concerns. The great truth, however, shone forth in every page. All spoke +of a vigilant witness, a universal, a ceaseless energy. Nor was this +all. I could scarcely open the book without finding somewhat applicable +to my own character or situation; I was, therefore, no longer obliged to +compel my attention, as to the concerns of a stranger; it was powerfully +attracted by interests peculiarly my own. The study, indeed, was often +painful; but yet I returned to it, as the heir to the deed which is to +make him rich or a beggar.</p> + +<p>My search, however, produced nothing to elate. I read of benefits which +I had forgotten; of duties which I had neglected; of threatenings which +I had despised. The 'first and great commandment,' directed every +affection of my soul to Him who had scarcely occupied even the least of +my thoughts. The most glorious examples were proposed to my imitation, +and my heart sunk when I compared them with myself. A temper of +universal forbearance, habits of diligent benevolence, were made the +infallible marks of a character which I had no right to claim. The happy +few were represented as entering with difficulty, and treading with +perseverance, the 'strait and narrow way,' which not even self-deceit +could persuade me that I had found. That self-denial, which was enjoined +to all as an unremitting habit, was new to me almost even in name. The +'lovers of pleasure,' among whom I had been avowedly enrolled, were +ranked, by my new guide, with 'traitors and blasphemers.' The pride +which, if I considered it at all as an error, I accounted the 'glorious +fault' of noble minds, was reprobated as an impious absurdity. The +anguish of repentance,—the raptures of piety,—the 'full assurance of +hope,' were poured forth; but, with the restless anxiety of him who +obtains an imperfect glimpse of the secret upon which his all depends, I +perceived, that their language was to me the language of a foreign land.</p> + +<p>By degrees, something of my real self was opened to my sight. The view +was terrible; but, once seen, I vainly endeavoured to avert my eye. At +midnight, and in the blaze of day, in the midst of every employment, in +defiance of every effort, my offences stood before me. With the sense of +guilt, came the fear before which the boldest spirit fails. I saw the +decree already executed which took from me the 'talent buried in the +earth;' but, the stroke which had deprived me of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span> all, seemed only a +prelude to that more awful sentence which consigns the unprofitable +servant to 'outer darkness.' As one who starts from sleep beneath the +uplifted sword,—as he to whom the lightning's flash reveals the +precipice,—as the mother waked by the struggles of her half-smothered +babe,—so I—but what material images of horror can shadow forth the +terrors of him who feels that he is by his own act undone? In an +overwhelming sense of my folly and my danger, I often sunk into the +attitude of supplication; but I had now a meaning to unfold not to be +expressed in a few formal phrases which I had been accustomed to hurry +over. I saw that I had need of mercy which I had not deserved, and which +I had no words to ask. How little do they know of repentance who propose +to repay with it, at their own 'convenient season,' the pleasures which +they are at all hazards determined to seize!</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, though my misfortunes could not be banished from my mind, +they no longer held their sullen reign alone. New interests had awakened +in my breast; new fears; new regrets. I felt that there is an evil +greater than the loss of fame, of fortune, or of friends; that there is +a pang compared with which sorrow is pleasure. This anguish I endured +alone. The proud spirit could pour into no human ear the language of its +humiliation and its dread. I suffered Miss Mortimer to attribute to +grief the dejection which at times overpowered me; to impatience of +deprivation, the anxious disquiet of one who is seeking rest, and +finding none. Yet I no longer shunned her society. I sought relief in +the converse of a person rich in the knowledge in which I was wanting, +impressed with the only subjects which could interest me now. Miss +Mortimer was precisely the companion best calculated to be useful to me. +She never willingly oppressed me with a sense of her superiority,—never +upbraided my cold reception of doctrines which I was not yet fitted to +receive,—never expressed surprise at my hesitation, or impatience with +my prejudices,—never aggravated my sense of the danger of my state, nor +boasted of the security of her own; but answered my questions in terms +direct and perspicuous; opposed my doubts and prejudices with meek +reason; represented the condition of the worst of mankind as admitting +of hope,—that of the best, as implying warfare.</p> + +<p>From the first month of my residence with Miss Mortimer I may date a new +era of my existence. My mind had received a new impulse, and new views +had opened to me of my actions, my situation, and my prospects. An +important step had been made<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span> towards a change in my character. But +still it was only a step. The tendencies of nature, strengthened by the +habits of seventeen years, remained to be overcome, and this was not the +work of a month, or a year. I was not, however, of a temper long to +endure the sense of helpless misery. Encouraged by the promises which +are made to the repentant, and guided now by the example which I had +once overlooked or ridiculed, I resolved to associate myself as much as +possible, in Miss Mortimer's acts of devotion and of charity. I joined +in her family worship,—I visited her pensioners,—and industriously +assisted her in working for the poor; an employment to which she +punctually devoted part of her time. Little did I then suspect how much +the value of the same action was varied by our different motives. She +laboured to please a Father,—I to propitiate a hard Master. She was +humbly offering a token of gratitude,—I was poorly toiling for a hire.</p> + +<p>It was now that I began to feel the effects of my former habits of life. +While my feelings were in a state of strong excitement, they held the +place of the stimulants to which I had been accustomed; and I should +have turned in disgust from the trivial interests which had formerly +engaged me. But whenever my mind settled into its more natural state, I +became sensible of a vacancy,—a wearisome craving for an undefined +something to rouse and interest me. The great truths indeed which I had +lately discovered, often supplied this want; and I had only to turn my +newly acquired powers of sight towards my own character to be awakened +into strong emotion. But compared with my new standards, my own heart +offered a prospect so little inviting, that I turned from it as often as +I dared; endeavouring to 'lay the flattering unction to my soul,' by +wilfully mistaking the resolution to be virtuous for virtue itself.</p> + +<p>The activity of my mind had hitherto been so unhappily directed, that it +now revolted from every impulse, except such as was either pleasurable +or of overwhelming force. Besides, although nothing be more sublime than +a life of charity and self-denial in the abstract, nothing is less so in +the detail. I was unused to difficulty, and therefore submitted with +impatience to difficulties which my own inexperience rendered more +numerous. Poverty I had known only as she is exhibited in the graceful +draperies of tragedy and romance; therefore I met her real form in all +its squalor and loathsomeness, with more, I fear, of disgust than of +pity. My imaginary poor had all been innocent and grateful. Short +experience in realities corrected<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> this belief; and when I found among +the real poor the vices common to mankind, added to those which +peculiarly belong to a state of dependence,—when I found them selfish, +proud, and sensual, as well as cunning and improvident,—I almost forgot +that alms were never meant as a tribute to the virtues of man; and that +it is absurd to pretend compassion for the bodily necessities of our +fellow-creature, while we exercise none towards the more deplorable +wants of his mind. Not knowing, however, what spirit I was of, I called +my impatience of their defects a virtuous indignation; and witnessed, +with something like resentment, the moderation of Miss Mortimer, who +always viewed mental debasement as others do bodily decrepitude, with an +averseness which inclined her to withdraw her eye, but with a pity which +stretched forth her hand to help. Yet when I beheld the ignorance, the +miseries, the crimes of beings in whom I had now, in some degree, learnt +to reverence the character of immortality, how did I lament, that, with +respect to them, I had hitherto lived in vain! How did I reproach +myself, that, while thousands of sensitive and accountable creatures +were daily within the sphere of my influence, that influence had served +only to deepen, with additional shades, the blackness of human misery +and of human guilt.</p> + +<p>Accident served to heighten this self-upbraiding. One day when Miss +Mortimer, with the assistance of my arm, was walking round her garden, +she observed a meagre, barefooted little girl; who, reaching her sallow +hand through the bars of the wicket, asked alms in a strong Caledonian +accent. My friend, who never dismissed any supplicant unheard, patiently +enquired into a tale which was rendered almost unintelligible by the +uncouth dialect and national bashfulness of the narrator. All that we +could understand from the child was, that she was starving, because her +father was ill, and her mother prevented from working, by attendance +upon an infant who was dying of the small-pox. Miss Mortimer, who always +conscientiously endeavoured to ascertain that the alms which she +subtracted from her own humble comforts were not squandered in +profligacy, accepted of my offer to examine into the truth of this +story; and I accompanied the child to the abode of her parents.</p> + +<p>After the longest walk which I had ever taken, my conductress ushered me +into a low dark apartment in the meanest part of Greenwich. Till my eye +was accommodated to the obscurity, I could very imperfectly distinguish +the objects which surrounded me; and,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span> for some minutes after leaving +the gladdening air of heaven, I could scarcely breathe the vapour +stagnant in the abode of disease and wretchedness. The little light +which entered through a window half filled with boards fell upon a +miserable pallet, where lay the emaciated figure of a man; his face +ghastly wan, till the exertion of a hollow cough flushed it with +unnatural red; and his eye glittering with the melancholy brightness +which indicates hopeless consumption.</p> + +<p>Upon a low stool, close by the expiring embers, sat a woman, vainly +trying to still the hoarse cry of an infant. On my entrance, she started +up to offer me the only seat which her apartment contained; and the poor +Scotchman, with national courtesy to a superior, would have risen to +receive me,—but he was unable to move without help. His wife, that she +might be at liberty to assist him, called upon the little girl to take +charge of her brother. Startled at seeing an infant committed to such +care, I thoughtlessly offered my services; and held out my arms for the +child. The mother, evidently pleased with what she seemed to regard as +condescension, and not aware that the being whom she was fondly +caressing could be an object of disgust to others, held the child +towards me; but at the first glance I recoiled, with an exclamation of +horror, from a creature who scarcely retained a trace of human likeness. +That dreadful plague, which the most fortunate of discoveries now +promises to banish from the earth, had disguised, or rather concealed, +every feature; and, deprived of light, of nourishment, and rest, the +sufferer scarcely retained the power to express its misery in a hoarse +and smothered wailing. The poor woman, sensibly hurt by my expression of +disgust, shed tears, while she reminded me of the evanescent nature of +beauty, and enumerated all the charms of which a few days had deprived +her boy. I had wounded where I came to heal; and all my address could +scarcely atone for an error, that <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'incresased'">increased</ins> the difficulties which my +errand already found in the decent reserve of spirits unsubdued to +beggary, and in a dialect which I could very imperfectly comprehend.</p> + +<p>What I at length learnt of the story of these poor people may be told in +a few words; the man was a gardener, who had been allured from his +country by the demand in England for Scotchmen of his trade. Unable to +procure immediate employment, he and his family had suffered much +difficulty; till, encouraged by the name of a countryman, they had +applied to Mr Maitland. By his interest, the man had obtained the +situation of under-gardener in Mr Percy's villa at Richmond.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span></p> + +<p>I started at the name of my father, but having been often deceived, I +was become cautious; and, without betraying myself, asked whether they +had ever seen Miss Percy. The woman answered that they had not; having +entered on their service the same day that their master's family removed +to town. The evil influence of Miss Percy, however, had blasted all +their hopes and comforts. She had given peremptory orders that some +delicate exotics should be forced into flower to adorn an entertainment. +Poor Campbell, deputed to take care of them, watched them all night in +the hot-house; then walked two miles to his lodging through a thick +drift of snow; breathed ever afterwards with pain; struggled against +disease; wrought hard in the sharp mornings and chilly evenings of +spring; and, when my father could no longer repay his services, was +dismissed to die, unheeded by a mistress equally selfish in the +indulgence of her sorrow as in the thoughtlessness of her prosperity.</p> + +<p>As I listened to this tale, I found it confirmed by circumstances +which admitted not of doubt. While I looked on the death-struck figure +of poor Campbell, saw the misery that surrounded me, and felt that it +was <i>my</i> work, my situation was more pitiable than that of any mortal, +except him who can see that he has done irreparable injury, yet see it +without a pang. When I recovered utterance, I enquired whether +Campbell had any medical assistance?—a needless question; he had not +wherewith to purchase food, much less medicine.—'But if I were once +able, madam,' said he, 'to earn what would be our passage home, I +should soon be well,—the air in Scotland is so pure, and breathes so +pleasantly!'—'You shall get home, cost what it will,' cried I, and +instantly delivered the whole contents of my purse; without +considering that it could scarcely be called mine, and that it could +be replenished only from the scanty store of her whose generosity +would fain, if possible, have made me forget that I was no longer the +rich Miss Percy.</p> + +<p>Ignorant as I was of Greenwich and its inhabitants, I next undertook to +find medical advice. By enquiring at a shop, I obtained the address of a +Mr Sidney, to whom I immediately repaired. He was a young man of a very +prepossessing appearance, tall and handsome enough for a hero of +romance. Will it be believed that, in spite of the humbling sense of +guilt which in that hour was strong upon me, my besetting weakness made +me observe with pleasure the surprise and admiration with which my +appearance seemed to fill this stranger? But vanity, though powerful in +me, was no longer unresisted. I pulled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span> my bonnet over my face; nor once +again looked up while I conducted Sidney to the abode of his new +patient.</p> + +<p>I cannot express the horror which I felt, when, after examining the +situation of the poor man, Sidney informed me, in a whisper, that no aid +could save his life. I turned faint; and, to save myself from sinking to +the ground, retreated to the door for air. At that moment, I overheard +Sidney ask, 'Who is that angel?' and the term, applied to one who was +little less than a murderer, sharpened the stab of conscience. I hastily +turned to proclaim my name, and submit myself to the execrations of this +injured family; but I wanted courage for the confession, and the words +died upon my lips.</p> + +<p>The disfigured infant next engaged Sidney's attention. He discovered +that the mother had, according to what I have since found to be the +custom of her country, aggravated the dreadful disease, by loading her +unhappy child with all the clothes she could command, and carefully +defending him from the fresh air. She had even deprived herself of food, +that she might procure ardent spirits, which she compelled the hapless +being to swallow; to drive, as she expressed it, 'the small-pox from his +heart.' Yet this poor woman, so ignorant of the treatment of the most +common disorder, possessed, as I afterwards found, a knowledge of the +principles of religion, and an acquaintance with the scope of its +doctrines and precepts, which, at that time, appeared to me very +wonderful in a person of her rank. They are, however, less surprising to +me since I became a denizen of Scotland.</p> + +<p>But to close a tale, on which its strong impression on my mind has +perhaps made me dwell too long, the boy, by means of better treatment, +recovered; his father's disease was beyond the reach of human skill. One +day, while I was in the act of holding a cordial to his lips, he fell +back; and, with a momentary struggle, expired. The little ingenious +works which I had been taught at school, were, for the first time, +employed by me to a useful purpose, when his widow and children were +enabled, by the sale of them, to procure a passage to Scotland.</p> + +<p>I cannot express the effect which this incident had upon my mind. A new +load of guilt seemed to oppress me. I perceived that actions and habits +might have tendencies unsuspected by the agent; that the influence of a +fault,—venial, perhaps, in the eyes of the transgressor,—might reach +the character and fate of those who are not within the compass of his +thoughts; and, therefore, that the real evil of sin could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span> be known only +to Him, by whom effects which as yet exist not are traced through their +eternal course. Thus a fearful addition of 'secret sins' was made to all +those with which conscience could distinctly charge me; and my +examinations of my past conduct were like the descent into a dismal +cavern, where every step discloses some terrifying sight, and all that +is imperfectly distinguished in the gloom is imagined to be still more +appalling.</p> + +<p>It is true, I had resolved upon a better course of life; but my +resolutions were very partially kept; nor, had it been otherwise, could +present submission atone for past disobedience. Even my best actions, +when weighed in the right balance, were 'found wanting,' and rather in +need of forgiveness than deserving of reward. My best efforts seemed but +the sacrifice of the ignorant Indian, who vows to his god an ingot of +gold, and then gilds a worthless offering to defraud him. Nor had they, +in truth, one vestige of real worth, void as they still were of that +which gives a value to things of small account. It is the fire from +heaven which distinguishes the acceptable sacrifice.</p> + +<p>Who that had seen me under the depression which these convictions +occasioned could have imagined that I had entered on 'ways of +pleasantness,' and 'paths of peace?' Anxious and fearful,—seeking rest, +and finding none, because remaining pride prevented me from seeking it +where alone it was to be found,—I struggled hard to escape the +convictions which were forced upon my conscience. I opposed to the +truths of religion a hundred objections which had never before occurred +to me, only because the subject was new to my thoughts; and I +recollected an infinity of the silly jests, and ridiculous associations, +by which unhappy sinners try to hide from themselves the dignity of that +which they are predetermined to despise. I remember, with amazement, +Miss Mortimer's patience in replying to the oft-refuted objection; +oft-refuted, I say, because I am certain that far more ingenuity than I +can boast would be necessary to invent, upon this subject, a cavil which +has not been answered again and again. Far from desiring me, however, to +rely upon her authority, she recommended to me such books as she thought +likely to secure my rational assent to the truth; carefully reminding +me, at the same time, that they could do no more, and that mere rational +assent fell far short of that faith to which such mighty effects are +ascribed. The direct means of obtaining a gift, she said, was to ask it; +and faith she considered as a gift.</p> + +<p>'To what purpose,' said I to her one day, after I had laboured<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span> through +Butler's Analogy, and Macknight's Truth of the Gospel History,—'to what +purpose should I perplex myself with these books, when you own that some +of the best Christians you have ever known were persons who had never +thought of reasoning upon the evidences of their faith?'—'Because, my +dear,' answered Miss Mortimer, 'the exercise of your highest natural +faculties upon your religion is calculated to fix it in your mind, and +endear it to your affections. It is true, that piety as pure and as +efficient as any I ever knew, I have witnessed in persons who had no +leisure, and perhaps no capacity for reasoning themselves into a +conviction of the historical truth of Christianity. The author of faith +is not bound to any particular method of bestowing his gift. He may, and +I believe often does, compensate for the means which he withholds; but +this gives no ground to suppose that he will make up for those which we +neglect.'</p> + +<p>Through Miss Mortimer's persuasion, I steadily persevered in this line +of study; and, if my understanding possesses any degree of soundness or +vigour, it is to be attributed to this discipline. My education, if the +word signify learning what is afterwards to be useful, was now properly +beginning; and every day added something to my very slender stock of +information. My friend, who was herself no mean proficient in general +literature, encouraged me to devote many of my leisure hours to books of +instruction and harmless entertainment; and our evenings were commonly +enlivened by reading history, travels, or criticism.</p> + +<p>Leisure, like other treasures, is best husbanded when it is least +abundant; and it was no longer entirely at my command. I still retained +enough of the spirit of Ellen Percy, to hold dependence in rather more +than Christian scorn,—yet to be ashamed of openly contributing to my +own subsistence. In how many shapes does our ruling passion assail us! +If we resist it in the form of vice, it will even put on the semblance +of virtue. I firmly believed at that time, that a virtuous motive alone +induced me to escape, by means of my own labour, from all necessity for +applying to the funds of Miss Mortimer; and I forgot to enquire into the +reason why my work was always privately done, and privately disposed of.</p> + +<p>The manufacture of a variety of ingenious trifles now become useful by +ministering to my own wants and those of others,—the share I took in +Miss Mortimer's charitable employments,—hours of devotion and serious +study, reading, and often writing abstracts of what I read,—left no +portion of my time for weariness. But had I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span> been deprived of all bodily +employment, the very condition of my mind precluded ennui. I was full of +one concern of overwhelming importance. At one time, the truth shone +upon me, gladdening me to rapture with its brightness; at another, error +darkened my sinking soul, and I was eager in my search for light. Alas! +our infirmity loads with many a cloud the dawning even of that true +light which 'shineth more and more unto the perfect day.' The natural +warmth of my temper, and my long-confirmed habit of yielding to all its +impulses, often hurried me into little superstitious austerities, +needless scruples, and vehement disputes, which, had they been exposed +to common eyes, would have drawn upon me the derision of some, and the +suspicion of others; but fortunately Miss Mortimer had few visiters, and +my foibles were little seen, except by one who could discover errors in +religious judgment, without imputing them either to fanaticism or +hypocrisy.</p> + +<p>My altercations, for discourse in which passion is permitted to mingle +cannot deserve the name of argument, were chiefly carried on with +Sidney; who, from the time of his assistance to the Campbells, had +become a frequent guest at Miss Mortimer's. His dispositions were +amiable, his character unblemished; but his opinions upon some lesser +points of doctrine differed widely from mine. This he happened one day +accidentally to betray; and I, with the rashness which inclines us to +fancy all lately-discovered truths to be of equal importance, combated +what I considered as his fatal heresy. Sidney, with great good-humour, +rather excited me to speak; perhaps for the same reason as he taught his +dog to quarrel with him for his glove.</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer never took part in our disputations, not even by a look. +'How can you,' said I to her one day, when he had just left us, 'suffer +such opinions to be advanced without contradiction?'</p> + +<p>'I am afraid of losing my temper,' answered she with an arch smile; 'and +that I am sure is forbidden in terms more explicit than Mr Sidney's +heresy.'</p> + +<p>'And would you have me,' cried I, instantly sensible of the implied +reproof, 'seem to approve what I know to be false?'</p> + +<p>'No, my dear,' returned Miss Mortimer; 'but perhaps you might disapprove +without disputing; and I think it is not obscurely hinted by the highest +authority, that the modest example of a Christian woman is likely to be +more convincing than her arguments. Besides, though we are most zealous +in our new opinions, we are most steady in our old ones; therefore I +believe, that, upon consideration, you will see it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span> best to ensure your +steadiness for the present, and to husband your zeal for a time when it +will be more likely to fail.'</p> + +<p>When I was cool, I perceived that my friend was in the right; and, by a +strong effort, I thenceforth forbore my disputes with Sidney; to which +forbearance it probably was owing, that he soon after became my declared +admirer. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Shift not thy colour at the sound of death!<br /> +For death——<br /> +Seems not a blank to me; a loss of all<br /> +Those fond sensations,—those enchanting dreams,<br /> +Which cheat a toiling world from day to day,<br /> +And form the whole of happiness it knows.<br /> +Death is to me perfection, glory, triumph!</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Thomson.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>Sidney's overtures cost me some hesitation. They were unquestionably +disinterested; and they were made with a plainness rather prepossessing +to one who had so lately experienced the hollowness of more flowery +profession. Nothing could be objected to his person, manners, or +reputation. Miss Mortimer's ill health rendered the protection I enjoyed +more than precarious. Honourable guardianship, and plain sufficiency, +offered me a tempting alternative to labour and dependence. But I was +not in love; and as I had no inclination to marry, I had leisure to see +the folly of entering upon peculiar and difficult duties, while I was +yet a novice in those which are binding upon all mankind. Sidney had, +indeed, by that natural and involuntary hypocrisy, which assumes for the +time the sentiments of a beloved object, convinced me that he was of a +religious turn of mind; and from his avowed heresies I made no doubt of +being able to reclaim him; but he wanted a certain masculine dignity of +character, which had, I scarcely knew how, become a <i>sine <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'quâ'">qua</ins> non</i> in my +matrimonial views. These things considered, I decided against Sidney; +and it so happened, that this decision was formed in an hour after I had +received a long and friendly letter from Mr Maitland.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span></p> + +<p>Now this letter did not contain one word of Maitland's former avowal; +nor one insinuation of affection, which might not, with equal propriety, +have been expressed by my grandmother. But it spoke a strong feeling for +my misfortunes; a kindly interest in my welfare; it represented the +duties and the advantages of my new condition; and reminded me, that, in +so far as independence is attainable by man, it belongs to every one who +can limit his desires to that which can be purchased by his labour.</p> + +<p>'I see no advantage in being married,' said I, rousing myself from a +reverie into which I had fallen after the third reading of my letter. +'Mr Maitland can advise me as well as any husband could; and in ten or a +dozen years hence, I might make myself very useful to him too. I might +manage his household, and amuse him; and there could be nothing absurd +in that after we were both so old.'</p> + +<p>'Not quite old enough for that sort of life, I am afraid,' said Miss +Mortimer, smiling. 'If, indeed, Mr Maitland were to marry, the woman of +his choice would probably be an invaluable protector to you.'</p> + +<p>'Oh he won't marry. I am sure he will not; and I wonder, Miss Mortimer, +what makes you so anxious to dispose of all your favourites? For my +part, I hate to hear of people being married.'</p> + +<p>I thought there was meaning in Miss Mortimer's half suppressed smile; +but she did not raise her eyes, and only answered good humouredly, that, +'indeed, all her matrimonial plans for the last twenty years had been +for others.'</p> + +<p>Some expressions of curiosity on my part now drew from Miss Mortimer a +narrative of her uneventful life; which, as it is connected with the +little I knew of Mr Maitland's, and with the story of my mother's early +days, I shall give in my own words:—</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer and my mother were hereditary friends. Their fathers +fought side by side,—their mothers became widows together.—Together +the surviving parents retired to quiet neglect, and mutually devoted +themselves to the duties which still remained for them. Those which fell +to the lot of Mrs Warburton were the more difficult; for, while a +moderate patrimony placed the only child of her friend above dependence, +it was her task to reconcile to poverty and toil the high spirit of a +youth of genius; and to arm, for the rude encounters of the world, a +being to whom gentleness made them terrible, to whom beauty increased +their danger.</p> + +<p>The splendid progress of young Warburton's education had been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span> the boast +of his teachers,—the delight of his parents,—the pride, the only pride +of his sister's heart. But his father's death blasted the fair prospect. +The widow's pittance could not afford to her son the means of +instruction; and from the pursuit of knowledge,—the pleasures of +success,—and the hopes of distinction,—poor Warburton unwillingly +turned to earn, by the toil of the day, the support which was to fit him +for the toil of the morrow. Disgusted and desponding, he yet refrained +from aggravating by complaint the sorrows of his mother and his sister. +To Miss Mortimer, the companion of his childhood, he mourned his +disappointed ambition, and was heard with sympathy; he deplored the +failure of hopes more interesting, and won something more than pity.</p> + +<p>In the counting-house, which was the scene of his cheerless labour, he +found, however, a friend; and Maitland, though nearly seven years +younger than he, gained first his respect, and then his affection.</p> + +<p>Maitland, while thus in age a boy, was a tall, vigorous, hardy +mountaineer. His nerves had been braced by toilsome exercise and +inclement skies; his strong mind had gained power under a discipline +which allowed no other rest than change of employment. He had left his +native land, and renounced his paternal home, in compliance with the +will of his parents, and the caprice of his uncle, who, upon these +conditions, offered him the reversion of a splendid affluence. His +country he remembered with the virtuous partiality which so strongly +distinguishes, and so well becomes, her children. Of his paternal home +he seldom spoke. Silent and shy, he escaped the smile of vulgar scorn, +which would have avenged the confession that the bribes of fortune +poorly repaid the endearments of brethren and friends; that all the +charms of spectacle and song could not please like the rude verse which +first taught him the legends of a gallant ancestry; that all the +treasures of art he would have gladly exchanged for permission to bend +once more from the precipice which no foot but his had ever dared to +climb, or linger once more in the valley whose freshness had rewarded +his first infant adventure. Curiosity is feeble in the busy and the gay. +No one asked, no one heard the story of Maitland's youth; and Warburton +alone knew the full cost of a sacrifice too great and too painful to be +made a theme with strangers. Maitland the elder, retaining his national +prejudice in favour of a liberal education, permitted his nephew to +pursue and enlarge his studies under the inspection of a man of sense +and learning; designing to send him at a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span> proper age to the university. +Meanwhile he required him to spend a few hours daily in attendance upon +his future profession.</p> + +<p>In Maitland, young as he was, Warburton found a companion who could task +his mind to its full strength. In classical acquirements, Maitland was +already little inferior to his friend; and, if he had less imagination, +he had more acuteness and sagacity. Enduring in quiet scorn the derision +which his provincial accent excited in the sharers of his humbler +lessons, he was pleased to find in Warburton manners more congenial with +his own habits. The young scholars had subjects of mutual interest in +which the others could not sympathise. The few hours which Maitland +spent daily in the counting-house, alone broke the dull monotony of +Warburton's labour; and Warburton alone listened with the enthusiasm +which unlocks the heart, to Maitland's descriptions of his native +scenes, of torrents roaring from the precipice, and woods dishevelled by +the storm. They became friends, and Warburton confided his lost hopes, +and bewailed the untimely close of his attainments. The hardier mind of +Maitland suggested a remedy for the evil. He advised his friend to earn +by severer toil, and to save by stricter parsimony, a fund which might +in time afford the advantage of a college life. From that hour he +himself gave the example of the toil and the parsimony which he +recommended. He abridged his rest, he renounced his recreations for the +drudgery of translating for a bookseller. The allowance which he had +been accustomed to spend, he hoarded with a miser's care. He was invited +to share the pleasures of his companions, and resolutely refused. He +listened to hints of his penurious temper, and deigned no other answer +than a smile. But, when he was better known, few were so unprincipled as +to find in him the subject of a jest, and fewer still so daring as to +betray their scorn; for Maitland possessed, even then, qualities which +ensure command,—integrity which no bribe could warp,—decision which +feared no difficulty,—penetration which admitted of no disguise. After +two years of silent perseverance, he presented to his friend the fruits +of his self-denial, and was more than recompensed when Warburton +accompanied him to Oxford.</p> + +<p>It was a few months before the completion of this arrangement, that Mr +Percy, taking shelter from a shower in a parish church at the hour of +morning prayer, was captivated by the beauty, the modesty, and the +devotion of Frances Warburton. He followed her home; obtained an +introduction; and soon made proposals, with little form<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span> and much +liberality. Frances shrunk from her new lover; for a difference of +thirty years in their ages was the least point of their dissimilarity. +The lover, sensible of no disparity but such as a settlement might +counterbalance, enlarged his offers. He would have scorned to let any +expectation outgo his liberality. He promised competence for life to her +mother, and Frances faltered in her refusal. Mrs Warburton did not use +direct persuasion; but she sometimes lamented to her daughter that +poverty should mar the promise of her Edmund's genius. 'Had he but one +friend,' said she, 'even one to encourage or assist him, he would yet be +the glory of my old age.'—'He shall have a friend,' returned the +weeping Frances;—and she married Mr Percy.</p> + +<p>But the sacrifice was unavailing. Young Warburton was not destined to +need such aid as riches can give, nor to attain such advancement as +riches can buy. His constitution, already broken by confinement, was +unequal to his more willing exertions; yet, insensible to his danger, he +pursued his enticing bane; rejected the friendly warning which told him +that he was labouring his life away; and was one morning found dead in +his study; the essay lying before him which was that day to have +introduced him to fame and fortune.</p> + +<p>Miss Mortimer and her friend suffering together, became the more +endeared to each other. My mother, indeed, had found a new object of +interest; and she transferred a part, perhaps too large a part, of her +widowed affections to her child. Miss Mortimer raised hers to a better +world; and recalled them to this fleeting scene no more.</p> + +<p>Maitland, defended from the dangers of a university by steady principles +and habits of application, passed safely, even at Oxford, the perilous +years between boyhood and majority; then turned his attention to studies +more peculiarly belonging to his intended profession. He visited the +greatest commercial cities upon the Continent; conversed with the most +enlightened of their merchants; and, far from limiting his inquiries to +the mere means of gain, he embraced in his comprehensive mind all the +mutual relations and mutual benefits of trading nations. At the age of +twenty-five he returned home, to take a principal share in the direction +of one of the greatest mercantile houses in Britain. Before he was +thirty, the death of his uncle had put him in possession of a noble +independence, and left him chief partner in a concern which promised to +realise the wildest dreams of avarice. But the love of wealth had no +place in Maitland's soul. A small part of his princely revenue sufficed +for one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span> whose habits were frugal, whose pleasures were simple, whose +tastes were domestic. The remainder stole forth in many a channel; like +unseen rills, betraying its course only by the riches which it brought.</p> + +<p>Awake, as he ever was, to the claims of justice and humanity, it was not +personal interest that could shield the slave trade from the reprobation +of Maitland. He conquered his retiring nature that, in the senate of his +country, he might lend his testimony against this foulest of her crimes; +and when that senate stilled the general cry with a poor promise of +distant reform, he blushed for England and for human kind. Somewhat of +the same honest shame he felt at the recollection that he was himself +the proprietor of many hundreds of his fellow-creatures; and when he +found that his public exertions in their cause did not avail, he braved +the danger of a pestilent climate to mitigate the evil which he could +not cure, and to gain, by personal investigation, knowledge which might +yet be useful in better times.</p> + +<p>Such was Maitland. I dwell upon his character with mingled pleasure and +regret: pleasure, perhaps, not untainted with womanly vanity; regret, +that, when I might have shared the labours, the virtues, the love of his +noble soul, a senseless vanity made me cold to his affection,—a mean +coquetry wrecked me in his esteem! I might once, indeed, have bound him +to me for ever; but it was now plain that he had cast off his inglorious +shackles. Although I answered his letter, he showed no intention of +continuing our correspondence, and to Miss Mortimer he noticed me only +as a common friend; nor did he ever mention his return to Britain as +likely to take place before the lapse of many years.</p> + +<p>Warned by the consequences of my past folly, and beginning now to act, +however imperfectly, by the only rule which will ever lead us to uniform +justice, I had no sooner formed my resolution in regard to Sidney, than +I gave him an opportunity of learning my sentiments. I will not deny +that this cost me an effort, for I was afraid of losing a pleasant +acquaintance; and besides, as the young gentleman was sentimentally in +love, his little anxieties and tremours were really, in spite of myself, +amusing. But vanity, though unconquerably rooted in me by nature and +habit, was no longer overlooked as a venial error. I struggled against +it, as a part of that selfish, earth-born spirit, which was altogether +inconsistent with my new profession, and which except at the moment of +temptation, seemed now too despicable to bias the actions even of an +infant. Sidney was a man of sense; and therefore, by a very few efforts +of firmness I convinced him that he could be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span> nothing more.</p> + +<p>Nor did the explanation occasion even a temporary suspension of our +intercourse. Unfortunately, his professional visits were become +necessary to Miss Mortimer; and with me he had long before started a +topic, amply compensating that which I had interdicted. He had an +excellent chemical library, and a tolerable apparatus. By means of +these, and a degree of patience not to be expected from any man but a +lover, he contrived to initiate me into the first rudiments of a +science, which has no detriment except its unbounded power of enticing +those who pursue it. By informing me what I might read with advantage, +he saved me the time which I might have lost in making the discovery +myself; and though he had not always leisure to watch my progress, he +could direct me what to attempt. After all, it must be confessed that my +attainments in chemistry were contemptible; but even this feeble +beginning of a habit of patient enquiry was invaluable. Besides, in the +course of my experiments, I made a discovery infinitely more important +to me than that of latent heat or galvanism; namely, that the prospect +of exhibition is not necessary to the interest of study.</p> + +<p>Nothing is more important in its issue, nothing more dull in relation, +than a life of quiet and regular employment. A narrative of my first +year's residence with Miss Mortimer would be a mere detail of feelings +and reflections, mixed with confessions of a thousand instances of +rashness, impatience, and pride. My original blemishes were still +conspicuous enough to establish my identity; yet one momentous change +had taken place, for those blemishes were no longer unobserved or +wilful. I had become more afraid of erring than of seeing my +error,—more anxious to escape from my faults than from my conscience. +Not that her rebukes were become more gentle: on the contrary, an +unutterable sense of depravity and ingratitude was added to my +self-accusings; for, in receiving the forgiveness of a father, I had +awakened to the feelings of a child, and in every act of disobedience I +sinned against all the affections of my soul. Let it not be objected to +religion, if my judgment was disproportioned to the force of sentiments +like these; and if, though no devotion can be extravagant in its degree, +mine was sometimes indiscreet in its expression. The fault lay in my +education, not in my faith. Christianity justly claims for her own the +'spirit of a sound mind;' but that spirit dwells most frequently with +those whose devout feelings have been accustomed to find their chief +vent in virtuous actions.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span></p> + +<p>My walk happened one day to lead near a dissenting chapel; and the +eagerness to hear which characterises recent converts made me join the +multitude who thronged the entrance. 'The truth,' thought I, 'is +despised by the gay and the giddy; but to me it shall be welcome, come +when it will.' Was there nothing pharisaical in the temper of this +welcome? In spite, however, of the liberality for which I was applauding +myself, my expectations were influenced by my early prejudices; and I +presupposed the preacher, zealous indeed, but loud, stern, and +inelegant. Surprise, therefore, added force to my impressions. The +unadorned pulpit was occupied by a youth not yet in his prime, nor +destined, as it seemed, ever to reach that period. The bloom of youth +had given place in his countenance to a wandering glow, that came and +went with the mind's or the body's fever. His bright blue eyes—now cast +down in humility, now flashing with rapturous hope—had never shone with +less gentle fires. His manner had the mild seriousness of entreaty,—his +composition the careless vigour of genius; or rather the eloquence of +one, who, feeling the essential glory of truth, thinks not of decking +her with tinsel.</p> + +<p>Reasoning must convince the understanding, and a power which neither +human reasoning nor human eloquence can boast must bend the will to +goodness; but that which comes from the heart will, for a time at least, +reach the heart. Mine was strongly moved. The novel simplicity of +form,—the fervour of extemporary prayer,—the zeal of the youthful +teacher, his faithful descriptions of a debasement which I strongly +felt, his unqualifying application of the only medicine which can +minister to this mortal disease,—roused me at once to all the energy of +passion. I abhorred the coldness of my ordinary convictions; and, +compared with what I now felt, disparaged the impression of regular +instruction. I forgot, or I had yet to learn, that the genuine spirit of +the Gospel is described as the 'spirit of peace,' not of rapture; that +the heavenly weapon is not characterised as dazzling us with its lustre, +but as 'bringing into captivity every thought.' Feeling an increase of +heat, I rashly inferred that I had received an accession of light; and +immediately resolved to join the favoured congregation of a pastor so +useful.</p> + +<p>My recollection of the prejudice which confounds in one undistinguishing +charge of fanaticism many thousands of virtuous and sober-minded persons +rather strengthened that resolution; for fire and faggot are not the +only species of persecution which arms our natural feelings on the side +of the suffering cause. I gloried in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span> thought of sharing contempt +for conscience-sake; and longed with more, it must be owned, of zeal +than of humility, to enter upon this minor martyrdom.</p> + +<p>That very evening I announced my purpose to my friend, in a tone of +premature triumph. Miss Mortimer was so habitually averse to +contradicting, that I was obliged to interpret into dissent the grave +silence in which she received my communication. Dissent I might have +borne, but not such dissent as barred all disputation; and I entered on +a warm defence of my sentiments, as if they had been attacked. Miss +Mortimer waited the subsiding of that part of my warmth which belonged +to mere temper; then gave a mild but firm opinion. 'It had been +allowed,' she told me, 'by an author of equal candour and acuteness, +that "there is, perhaps, no establishment so corrupt as not to make the +bulk of mankind better than they would be without it." Our countenance, +therefore,' she said, 'to the establishment of the country in which we +lived was a debt we owed to society; unless, indeed, the higher duty +which we owed to God were outraged by the doctrines of the national +church. As for mere form, it had always,' she said, 'appeared to her +utterly immaterial, except as it served to express or to strengthen +devotion; therefore, it seemed unnecessary to forsake a ritual which had +been found to answer these purposes. If the ordinances, as administered +by our church, were less <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'efficious'">efficacious</ins> to me than they had been to others, +she would wish me to examine whether this were not owing to some +unobserved error in my manner of using them; but if, after diligent +attention, humble self-examination, and earnest prayer for guidance, I +continued to find the national worship unsuitable to my particular case, +she might regret, but she could not condemn, my secession; since I +should then be not only privileged, but bound, to forsake her +communion.'</p> + +<p>The time was not long past, since even this mild resistance would have +only confirmed me in a favourite purpose; but I was becoming less +confident in my own judgment, and Miss Mortimer's consistent worth had +established an influence over me beyond even that to which my +obligations entitled her. Though her natural abilities were merely +respectable, her opinions upon every point of duty had such precision +and good sense that, without being aware of it, I leant upon her +judgment of right and wrong, as naturally as the infant trusts his first +unsteady steps to his mother's sustaining hand. She prevailed upon me to +pause, ere I forsook the forms in which my fathers had worshipped; and +though her own principle has since connected me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span> with a church of +simpler government and ritual, I have never seen reason to repent of the +delay.</p> + +<p>And now, deprived as I was of all the baubles which I had once imagined +necessary to comfort, almost to existence, I was nearer to happiness +than I had ever been while in the full enjoyment of all that pleasure, +wealth, and flattery can bestow; for I now possessed all the materials +of such happiness as this state of trial admits,—good health, constant +employment, the necessaries of this life, and the steady hope of a +better. And let the lover of pleasure, the slave of Mammon, the sage who +renounces the light of heaven for the spark which himself has kindled, +smile in scorn whilst I avow, that I at times felt rapture, compared +with which their highest triumph of success is tame. I can bear the +smile, for I know that they are compelled to mingle it with a sigh; that +they envy the creature whom they affect to scorn; and wish—vainly wish, +that they could choose the better part.</p> + +<p>The bitter drop which is found in every cup, was infused into mine by +the increasing illness of Miss Mortimer; and by a strong suspicion, that +poverty aggravated to her the evils of disease. This latter +circumstance, however, was conjectural; for Miss Mortimer, though +confidingly open with me upon every other subject, was here most +guarded. From the restraint visibly laid upon inclinations which I knew +to be liberal in the extreme,—from my friend's obstinate refusal to +indulge in any of the little luxuries which sickness and debility +require,—from many trifles which cannot evade the eye of an inmate, I +began to form conjectures which I soon accidentally discovered to be but +too well founded. A gentleman happened to make a visit of business to +Miss Mortimer one day when she was too much indisposed to receive him; +and he incautiously committed to me a message for her, by which I +discovered, that her whole patrimony had been involved in the ruin of my +father; that, except the income of the current year, which she had +fortunately rescued a few weeks before the wreck, she had lost all; +that, while she made exertions beyond her strength to seek and to +comfort me, while she soothed my sullen despair, she was herself +shrinking before the gaunt aspect of poverty; and that, while she +contrived for me indulgences which she denied to herself, her generous +soul abhorred to divulge what might have rendered my feeling of +dependence more painful.</p> + +<p>When the certainty of all this burst upon me, I felt as if I had been in +some sort responsible for the injury which my father had inflicted; and, +overwhelmed with a sense of most undeserved obligation, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span> almost sunk +to the ground. The moment I recovered myself, I flew to my friend, and +with floods of tears, and the most passionate expressions of gratitude, +I protested that I would no longer be a burden upon her generosity; and +besought her to consider of some situation in which I might earn my +subsistence. But Miss Mortimer resisted my proposal upon grounds which I +felt it impossible to dispute. 'I cannot spare you yet, my dear child,' +said she. 'I have been assured, that in a very few months you must be at +liberty; but you will not leave me yet!—you will not leave me to die +alone.'</p> + +<p>This was the first intimation which I had received of the inevitable +fate of one whose gentle virtues and unwearied kindness had centered in +herself all my widowed affections; and it wholly overpowered the +fortitude which not an hour before I had thought invincible. I hurried +from human sight, while I mingled with bitter cries a passionate +entreaty, that I might suffer any thing rather than the loss of my only +friend. We often ask in folly; but we are answered in wisdom. The decree +was gone forth; and no selfish entreaties availed to detain the saint +from her reward. When the first emotions were past, I saw, and +confessed, that a petition such as mine, clothed in whatever language, +was wanting in the very nature of prayer; which has the promise of +obtaining what we need, not of extorting what we desire.</p> + +<p>In the present situation of my friend, it was impossible for me to +forsake her; yet I could not endure to feel myself a burden upon the +little wreck which the misfortunes or imprudence of my family had left +her. Hour after hour I pondered the means of making my labour answer to +my subsistence. But there my early habits were doubly against me. +Accustomed to seek in trifling pastimes relaxation from employment +scarcely less trifling, perseverance in mere manual industry was to me +almost impossible. Habituated to confound the needful with the +desirable, I had no idea how large a proportion of what we think +necessary to the decencies of our station belongs solely to the wants of +our fancy. My highest notion of economy in dress went no farther than +the relinquishing of ornament; therefore, all my little works of +ingenuity were barely sufficient to supply my own wardrobe, and another +channel of expense which I had of late learnt to think at least as +necessary. I saw no means, therefore, of escaping my dependence upon +Miss Mortimer. Yet it made me miserable to think, that, for my sake, she +must deny herself the necessaries of decaying life.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span></p> + +<p>My heart gave a bound as my eye chanced to be caught by the sparkle of +my mother's ring, and I recollected that its value might relieve my +unwilling pressure upon my friend. But when I had looked at it till a +thousand kindly recollections rose to my mind, my courage failed; and I +thought it impossible to part with the memorial of my first and fondest +attachment. Again my obligations to Miss Mortimer,—the rights of my +mother's friend,—the dread of subtracting from the few comforts of a +life which was so soon to close, upbraided my reluctance to sacrifice a +selfish feeling; but a casuistry, which has often aided me against +disagreeable duty, made me judge it best to act deliberately; and thus +to defer indefinitely what I could neither willingly do, nor peacefully +leave undone.</p> + +<p>My decision, however, was hastened by one of those accidents which, I am +ashamed to say, have determined half the actions of my life. The next +morning, as I was reading to Miss Mortimer in her ground parlour, a +woman came to the window offering for sale a basket of beautiful fruit. +Fruit had been recommended as a medicine to my friend. I fancied, too, +though perhaps it was only fancy, that she looked wistfully at it; and +when she turned away without buying any, the scalding tears rushed to my +eyes. Hastily producing the money which I had privately received for +some painted screens, I heaped all the finest fruit before Miss +Mortimer; and when, in spite of her mild remonstrances, I had laid out +almost my whole fortune, I was seized with a sudden impatience to visit +London; and thither I immediately went, promising to return before +night.</p> + +<p>I began my journey with a heavy heart. A stage-coach, the only +conveyance suited to my circumstances, was quite new to me; and I shrunk +with some alarm from companions, much like those usually to be met with +in such vehicles, vulgar, prying, and communicative. Finding, however, +that they offered me no incivility, I re-assured myself; and began to +consider what price I was likely to obtain for my ring, and how I might +best present my offering to Miss Mortimer. The first of these points I +settled more agreeably to my wishes than to truth; the second was still +undetermined when the coach stopped. Then I first recollected, that, +with my usual inconsiderateness, I had not left myself the means of +hiring a conveyance through the town. I had therefore no choice but to +walk alone in some of the most crowded streets of the city.</p> + +<p>And now I had some cause for the alarm that seized me, for I was more +than once boldly accosted; and, ere I reached the shop where I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span> intended +to offer my ring, I was so thoroughly discomposed, that I entered +without observing an equipage of the De Burghs at the door.</p> + +<p>The shop was full of gay company; but one figure alone fixed my +attention. It was that of my heartless friend. I recoiled like one who +treads upon a serpent. My first impulse was to fly; but ere I had time +to retreat, a deadly sickness arrested my steps; and I stood motionless +and crouching towards the earth, as if struck by the power of the +basilisk. A person belonging to the shop, who came to enquire my +commands, seeing me, I suppose, ready to sink, offered me a chair; upon +which I unconsciously dropped, still unable to withdraw my gaze from my +apostate friend. Presently I almost started from my seat as her eye met +mine. Her deepening colour alone told that she recognized me; for she +instantly turned away.</p> + +<p>Indignation now began to displace the stupor which had seized me. 'Shall +I let this unfeeling creature see,' thought I, 'that she has power to +move me thus? Or shall I tamely slink away, as if it were I who should +dread the glance of reproach?—as if it were I who had stabbed the heart +which trusted me?' My breast swelling with pain, pride, and resentment, +I arose; and walking across the shop with steps as stately as if I had +been about to purchase all the splendours it contained, I began to +transact the business which brought me thither. My attention, however, +was so much pre-occupied, that I was scarcely sensible of surprise when +the jeweller named five-and-twenty pounds as the price of my ring; a sum +less than one third of what I had expected.</p> + +<p>I now perceived that Miss Arnold accompanied Lady Maria de Burgh. They +talked familiarly together, and I was probably their subject; for Lady +Maria stared full upon me, though her companion did not venture another +glance towards the spot where I stood. Not satisfied with her arrogant +scrutiny, Lady Maria, as if curious to know whether I were the buyer or +the seller, made some pretence for approaching close to me, though +without any sign of recognition. I had a hundred times abjured my enmity +to Lady Maria. I had wept over it as ungrateful, unchristian. In +cool-blooded solitude I had vowed a hundred times, that, having been +forgiven a debt of ten thousand talents, I would never more wrangle for +trifles with my fellow-servants. But when I was fretted with the insults +of strangers, and sore with the unkindness of my early friend, when +perhaps my pride was wounded by the circumstances in which she was about +to detect me, her Ladyship's little impertinence, attacking me on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span> +weak side, stirred at once the gall of my temper. Suspending a bargain +which, indeed, I did not wish her to witness, 'Pray,' said I to the +shopman, 'attend in the first place to that lady's business; if indeed +she has any except to pry into mine.'</p> + +<p>Lady Maria, who knew by experience that she was no match for me in a war +of words, muttered something, and retreated, tossing her pretty head +with disdain. Eager to be gone, I closed with the offer which had been +made for my ring; and after delays which I thought almost endless, had +received my money, and was about to depart, when Miss Arnold, who was in +close conversation with her companion, in a distant part of the shop, +suddenly advanced, as if with an intention to accost me. I was +breathless with agitation and resentment. 'I will be cool, scornfully +cool,' thought I; 'I will show her that I can forget all my long-tried +affection, and remember only——' I turned away, and remembrance wrung +tears from me. But the formal effrontery with which she addressed me +restored in a moment my fortitude and my indignation. She excused +herself for not speaking to me sooner, by asserting that she 'really had +not observed me.'</p> + +<p>Scorning the paltry falsehood, 'That is no wonder, Miss Arnold,' +answered I, 'for I am much lessened since you saw me last.'</p> + +<p>I was moving away; but Miss Arnold, who had probably received her +instructions, detained me. 'Do stay a few minutes,' said she coaxingly, +'I have a great deal to say to you. Lady Maria will be here for an hour, +for she and Glendower are choosing their wedding finery; so if you lodge +any way hereabouts, I can take the carriage and set you down.'</p> + +<p>The days of my credulous inadvertence were past; and, at once perceiving +the drift of this proposal, I answered with ineffable scorn, 'If you or +Lady Maria have any curiosity to know my present situation, you may be +gratified without hazarding your reputation by being seen with a +runaway. I live with Miss Mortimer.'</p> + +<p>I think Miss Arnold had the grace to blush, but I did not wait to +examine. I hurried away; threw myself into the first hackney coach I +could find; and returned home, exhausted and dispirited. I was +dissatisfied with myself. The time had been when I should have thought +the impertinence of a rival, the cool effrontery and paltry cunning of +Miss Arnold, sufficient justification of any degree of resentment or +contempt; but now I needed only the removal of temptation to remind me +how unsuitable were scorn and anger to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span> circumstances of one who was +herself so undeservedly, so lately, and still so imperfectly reclaimed. +I firmly resolved, that if ever I should again meet Miss Arnold or her +new protectress, I should treat them with that cool, guarded courtesy +which is the unalienable right of all human kind. The strength of this +resolution was not immediately tried. All my resentments had time to +subside before I again saw or heard of my false friend.</p> + +<p>Indeed, my seclusion now became more complete than ever; for Miss +Mortimer's malady, the increase of which she had hitherto endeavoured to +conceal from me, suddenly became so severe as to baffle all disguise. +Yet it was no expression of impatience which betrayed her. For four +months I scarcely quitted her bed-side, by day or by night. During this +long protracted season of suffering, neither cry nor groan escaped her. +Often have I wiped the big drops of agony from her forehead; but she +never complained. She was more than patient; the settled temper of her +mind was thankfulness. The decay of its prison-house seemed only to give +the spirit a foretaste for freedom. Timid by nature, beyond the usual +fearfulness of her sex, she yet endured pain, not with the iron +contumacy of a savage, but with the submission of filial love. The +approach of death she watched more in the spirit of the conqueror than +the victim; yet she expressed her willingness to linger on till +suffering should have extinguished every tendency to self-will, and +helplessness should have destroyed every vestige of pride. Her desire +was granted. Her trials brought with them an infallible token that they +came from a Father's hand; for her character, excellent as it had +seemed, was exalted by suffering; and that which in life was lovely, was +in death sublime.</p> + +<p>At last, the great work was finished. Her education for eternity was +completed; and, from the severe lessons of this land of discipline, she +was called to the boundless improvement, the intuitive knowledge, the +glorious employments of her Father's house. One morning, after more than +ordinary suffering, I saw her suddenly relieved from pain; and, grasping +at a deceitful hope, I looked forward to no less than years of her +prolonged life. But she was not so deceived. With pity she beheld my +short-sighted reasoning. 'Dear child,' said she, 'must that sanguine +spirit cheat thee to the end? Think not now of wishing for my +life,—pray rather that my death may profit thee.' She paused for a +moment, and then added emphatically, 'Do you not every morning pray for +a blessing on the events which <i>that day</i> will produce?'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span></p> + +<p>Long as I had anticipated this sentence, it was more than I could bear. +'This day! this very day!' I cried. 'It cannot,—it shall not be. It is +sinful in you thus to limit your days! this very day! oh, I will not +believe it;' and I threw myself upon my friend's death-bed in an agony +which belied my words.</p> + +<p>She gently reproved my vehemence. 'Ellen, my dear Ellen, my friend, my +comforter, how can you lament my release? Your affection has been a +blessing in my time of trial,—will you let it disturb the hour of my +rejoicing? Had I been necessary to you, my child, I hope I could have +wished for your sake to linger here; but "one thing"—only one—"is +needful." That one you have received,—and when the light of heaven has +risen upon you, can you mourn, that one feeble spark is darkened?'</p> + +<p>The physicians, whom I sent in haste to summon, came only to confirm her +prediction. She forced them to number the hours she had to live; and +heard with a placid smile that the morning's sun would rise in vain for +her. She bade farewell to them and to her attendants, bestowing, with +her own hand, some small memorial upon each; then gently dismissed all, +except myself and the hereditary servant who had grown old with her, and +who now watched the close of a life which she had witnessed from its +beginning. 'I saw her baptism,' said the faithful creature to me, the +big tears rolling down her furrowed face, 'and now—but it is as the +Lord will.'</p> + +<p>By my dying friend's own desire, she was visited by the clergyman upon +whose ministry she had attended; and with him she conversed with her +accustomed serenity, directing his attention to some of her own poor, +who were likely to become more destitute by her loss; and affectionately +commending to his care the unfortunate girl whom her death was to cast +once more friendless upon the world.</p> + +<p>While he read to her the office for the sick, she listened with the +steady attention of a mind in its full strength. When he came to the +words, 'Thou hast been my hope from my youth!'—'Yes!' said she; 'He has +indeed been my hope from my youth. He blessed the prayers and the +labours of my parents, so that I never remember a time when I could rest +in any other trust; yet, till now, I never knew that hope in its full +strength and brightness.' Then laying her hand, now chill with the damps +of death, upon my arm, she said with great energy, 'Ellen, I trust I can +triumphantly appeal to you whether our blessed faith brings not comfort +unspeakable;—but how strong, how suitable, how glorious its +consolations are, you will never know, till, like me, you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span> are bereft of +all others, and, like me, find them sufficient, when all others fail.'</p> + +<p>Towards evening her voice became feeble, she breathed with pain, and all +her bodily powers seemed to decay. But that which was heaven-born was +imperishable. The love of God and man remained unshaken. Complaining +that her mind was grown too feeble to form a connected prayer, she bade +me repeat to her the triumphant strains in which David exults in the +care of the Good Shepherd. When I had ended, 'Yes,' said she; 'He knows +how to comfort me in the dark valley, for He has trod it before me;—and +what am I that I should die amidst the cares of kind friends, and He +amidst the taunts of his enemies! Ellen your mind is entire;—thank Him, +thank Him fervently for me, that I am mercifully dealt with.'</p> + +<p>As I knelt down to obey her, she laid her hand upon my head as if to +bless me. At first, she repeated after me the expressions which pleased +her, afterwards single words, then, after a long interval, the name of +Him in whom she trusted. When I rose from my knees, her eyes were +closed,—the hand which had been lifted in prayer was sunk upon her +breast. A smile of triumph lingered on her face. It was the beam of a +sun that had set. The saint had entered into rest. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>——She hath ta'en farewell.——</i></span><br /> +<i>Upon her hearth the fire is dead,<br /> +The smoke in air hath vanished.<br /> +The last long lingering look is given;<br /> +The shuddering start! the inward groan!<br /> +And the pilgrim on her way is gone.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +John Wilson.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>As I tore myself from the remains of my friend, I felt that I had +nothing more to lose. My soul, which had so obstinately clung to the +earth, had no longer whereon to fix her hold. Words cannot describe the +moment when, having assisted in the last sad office of woman, I was led +from the chamber of death to wander through my desolate dwelling. Man +cannot utter what I felt when I left the grave of my friend, and turned +me to the solitary wilderness again.</p> + +<p>Yet even the agony of my grief had no likeness to the stern horror which +had once overwhelmed my soul. I was in sorrow indeed, but not in +despair; I was lonely, but not forsaken. My interests in this scene of +things were shaken,—were changed,—but not annihilated; for the world +can never be a desert while gladdened by the sensible presence of its +Maker; nor life be a blank to one who acts for eternity. The mere effort +to become resigned, forbade the listlessness of despair; and even +partial success gave some relief from uniformity of anguish. But I was +new to the lesson of resignation, and as yet faintly imbued with that +spirit which accepts with filial thankfulness the chastisements of a +father. The accents of submission were choked by those of sorrow; and +when I tried to say, 'Thy will be done,' I could only bow my head and +weep.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span></p> + +<p>It was not till the first bitterness of grief was past, that I +recollected all the cause I had to grieve. My first feeling of +desolateness was scarcely heightened by the reflection, that I was once +more cast upon the world without refuge or means of subsistence. A few +days after the death of my friend, her legal heir arrived to assert his +rights; and the will by which she had intended to secure in her cottage +a shelter for her old servant and myself was too informal to entitle us +to resist his more valid claim. The will was written with Miss +Mortimer's own hand, and expressed with all the touching solemnity of a +last address to the object of strong affection. To resist it, seemed to +me an instance of almost impious hardness of heart; and when the heir, +fretted perhaps by finding his inheritance fall so far below his +expectations, gave me notice, that I must either purchase the remainder +of the lease, or, within a month, seek another habitation, I resolved +that I would owe nothing to the forbearance of a being so callous;—that +I would instantly resign to him whatever the relentless law made his +own.</p> + +<p>But whither could I go? I was as friendless as the first outcast that +was driven forth a wanderer. I had no claim of gratitude, relationship, +or intimacy on any living being. The few friends of my mother who had +visited me after my return from school, I had neglected as persons of a +character too grave, and of habits too retiring for the circle in which +I desired to move. In that circle, a few months had sufficed to procure +me some hundreds of acquaintances; ages probably would not have +furnished me with one friend. My own labour, therefore, was now become +my only means of obtaining shelter or subsistence; and, foreign as the +effort was to all my habits, the struggle must be made. But how was I to +direct my attempts? What channel had the customs of society left open to +the industry of woman? The only one which seemed within my reach was the +tuition of youth; and I felt myself less dependent when I recollected my +thorough knowledge of music, and my acquaintance with other arts of +idleness. When, indeed, I considered how small a part of the education +of a rational and accountable being I was after all fitted to undertake, +I shrunk from the awful responsibility of the charge, and I fear pride +was still more averse to the task than principle; but there seemed no +alternative, and my plan was fixed.</p> + +<p>To enter on a state of dependence amidst scenes which had witnessed my +better fortunes,—to be recognised in a condition little removed from +servitude by those who had seen me at the summit of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span> prosperity,—to +meet scorn in the glances of once envious rivals,—and pity in the eye +of once rejected lovers, would have furnished exercise for more humility +than I had yet attained. Almost the first resolution which I formed on +the subject was, that the scene of my labours should be far distant from +London. Other circumstances in the situation which I was about to seek, +I determined not to weigh too fastidiously; for though the most +ambiguous praise from a person of fashion is often thought sufficient +introduction to the most momentous of trusts, I had seen enough of the +world to know, that it would be difficult to obtain the office of a +teacher upon the mere strength of my acquaintance with what I pretended +to teach; and I was resolved to owe no recommendation to any of those +summer friends, by whom I seemed now utterly neglected and forgotten.</p> + +<p>To the clergyman, whose compassion my dying friend had claimed for me, I +explained my situation and my purpose. He showed me every kindness which +genuine benevolence could dictate,—offered to write in my behalf to a +married sister settled in a remote part of the kingdom,—and invited me +to reside in his family till I found a preferable situation.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, a most unexpected occurrence placed me beyond the reach of +immediate want. Among Miss Mortimer's papers was found a sealed packet +addressed to me. It enclosed a bank-bill for 300<i>l.</i>; and in the +envelope these words were written:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>'My dear Ellen, use the enclosed sum without scruple and without +enquiry; for it is your own. Mine it never was, and none else has +any claim upon it. It came into my possession within this hour, +from whence you may never know; but I will conceal it till all is +over, lest you squander upon the dying that which the living will +need.</p> + +<p class="blocksig"> +'<span class="smcap">E. Mortimer.</span>'<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>I instantly conjectured that this sum was the gift of Mr Maitland. 'And +yet,' said I to myself, 'he has no interest in me now, except such as he +would take in any one whom he thought unfortunate. Perhaps—if I could +see his letters to Miss Mortimer—but I am sure his sentiments are of no +consequence to me,—only, if this money be really his, I ought +undoubtedly to restore it; and this from no impulse of pride certainly. +Is there not a wide difference between humility and meanness?' +Persuading myself, that it was quite necessary to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span> ascertain the true +owner of the money, I obtained permission to examine the correspondence +which my friend had left behind. I found it to contain many letters from +Mr Maitland, but only one in which I was mentioned, otherwise than in +the words of common courtesy; and of that one, the tantalising caution +of my friend had spared only the following fragment:—</p> + +<p>'I will not be dazzled by your pictures of your young friend's +improvement. I consider, that while you are drawing them, she is before +you; turning up her transparent cheek as she used to do, and looking up +in your face half sideways through her long black eyelashes, with that +air of arch ingenuousness that must tempt you to give her credit for +every virtue. I will not allow your partiality to blind me nor yourself +to the probability, that all her apparent progress is not real. Ellen +has warm passions and a vivid imagination; therefore, it is impossible +that she should fail to receive a strong impression from events which +have changed the whole colour of her fate. But the passions and the +imagination are not the seat of religion. Besides, admitting that she +has received a new principle of action, we must recollect, that pride +and self-indulgence are not to be cured in an hour; nor can the opposite +virtues spring without culture. The principle which guides our habits +may be suddenly changed; and perhaps no means is more frequently +employed for this change than severe calamity: but our habits themselves +are of slow growth; slowly the seeds of evil are eradicated; laboriously +the good ground is prepared; watered with the dews of heaven, the good +seed, in progress that baffles human observation, advances from the +feeble germ that scarcely rears itself from the dust, to the mature +plant which bringeth forth an hundred fold. So you see, my good friend, +I am determined to be wise; to read your encomiums with allowance; and, +having painfully escaped from danger, to be cautious how I tempt it +again.</p> + +<p>'The execution of my present plans must detain me in exile for years to +come; otherwise I could dream of a time when, having vanquished the +power of that strange girl over my happiness, I might venture to watch +over hers, perhaps be permitted to aid her improvement. I think I had +some slight influence over her. If it were fit that a social being +should waste feeling and affection in dreams, I could dream delightfully +of——'</p> + +<p>'Of what?' thought I, when I reached this provoking interruption,—and I +too began to dream. 'Does he still love me?' I asked myself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span> 'Can the +grave, wise Mr Maitland still remember the rosy cheek and the long black +eyelashes? Can he do no more than fly from his bane, but long after it +still?' In spite of the regulations under which I had laid my heart,—in +spite of the sorrow which weighed heavily upon it, the spirit of Ellen +Percy fluttered in it for a moment. 'But why should I smile at his +weakness, though I am myself exempt from that strange whim called love. +Yes, certainly, for ever exempt. I have not withstood Maitland to be won +by the monkey tricks and mawkish commonplace of ordinary men. "Power +over his happiness!" But for this strange coldness of heart, and my own +unpardonable folly, I might have made him happy. But that is all over +now. Now I can only wish and pray for his happiness. And if it be +necessary to his peace that he forget me, I will pray that he may. No +one heart on earth will then, indeed, beat warm to me; but the earth and +all that it contains will soon pass away.'—And I shed some tears either +over the transitory nature of all things here below, or over some +reflection not quite so well defined.</p> + +<p>Having perused the mutilated letter more than once, and finding my +curiosity rather stimulated than gratified by the perusal, I certainly +did not relax in the diligence with which I examined my friend's +repositories. But I could not discover one line from Mr Maitland of a +later date than six months before the death of Miss Mortimer; and I +recollected, that though she regularly received his letters, and +affected no mystery in regard to them, she never desired me to read +them, but often in my presence destroyed them with her own hand. For the +preservation of the fragment I seemed indebted to accident alone; and I +more than half suspected, that Mr Maitland's later correspondence had +purposely been concealed from the one who formed its principal subject. +I wondered at my friend's caution. 'Could she know me so little,' +thought I, 'as to fear that I should be infected by this folly of +Maitland's?—That I should be won by this involuntary second-hand sort +of courtship?—That I should be mean enough to like a man who in a +manner rejected me?' But whatever was the motive of Miss Mortimer's +caution, she had left no indication of Mr Maitland's present sentiments +towards me; nor any clue by which I could trace to him the source of my +unexpected wealth.</p> + +<p>Still I scarcely doubted, that I owed my three hundred pounds to the +generosity of Maitland, and I often thought of restoring the money to +him; since, considering the terms upon which we had parted, few things +could be more humiliating for me than to become<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span> a pensioner on his +bounty. But I was restrained from writing to him, by the fear that, as +possibly he had never intended to offer me such a gift, he might +consider my addressing him upon the subject as a mere device, to obtain +the renewal of an intercourse which he had voluntarily renounced.</p> + +<p>Besides, Miss Mortimer's bequest furnished my only means of discharging +another debt which had long occasioned me more mortification than I +could have suffered from any obligation to Mr Maitland. My degrading +debt to Lord Frederick was still unpaid; and my deliverance from +absolute and immediate want was less gratifying to me, than the power of +escaping from obligation to a wretch who had given proof of such +heartless selfishness. I, therefore, resolved to comply with my friend's +injunction to use without further enquiry the money which had so +providentially been placed within my reach; and the first purpose to +which it was devoted, was the repayment of Lord Frederick's loan, with +every shilling of interest to which law could have entitled him. The +remainder I could not help dividing with Miss Mortimer's old servant; as +the poor creature, who had grown grey in the family of my friend, had +been deprived of the bequest by which her mistress had intended to +acknowledge her services. The purchase of a few decencies which my own +wardrobe required, and the expense of a plain grave-stone to mark the +resting-place of the best of women, reduced my possessions to thirty +pounds. With this provision, which, small as it was, I owed to most +singular good fortune, I was obliged to quit the asylum which had +sheltered me from my bitterest sorrow, and had witnessed my most +substantial joys; the home which was endeared to me by the kindness of a +lost friend,—the birth-place of my better being,—the spot which was +hallowed by my first worship.</p> + +<p>It was on a stormy winter night, I remember it well, that I turned +weeping from the door of my only home. All day I had wandered through +the cottage; I had sat by my friend's death-bed, and laid my head upon +her pillow. I had placed her chair as she was wont to place it; had +realised her presence in every well known spot, and bidden her a +thousand and a thousand times farewell. When I left the house, the +closing door sounded as drearily as the earth which I had heard rattle +on her coffin. It seemed the signal, that I was shut out from all +familiar sights and sounds for ever. The storm that was beating on me +became, by a natural thought, the type of my after life; and when all +there seemed darkness, my mind wandered back to the sorrows of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span> the +past. I recalled another time when the wide earth, which lodges and +supports her children of every various tribe, and opens at least in her +bosom a resting place for them all, contained no home for me. I +remembered a time when I had felt myself alone, though in the presence +of the universal Father,—destitute, in a world stored with his +bounty,—desolate, though Omnipotence was pledged to answer my cry. My +deliverance from this orphan state,—from this disastrous darkness, +rushed upon my mind. I thought upon the mighty transformation which had +gladdened the desert for me, and made the solitary place rejoice. The +cry of thanksgiving burst from my lips, although it died amidst the +storm. 'Oh Thou!' I exclaimed, 'who from pollution didst reclaim,—from +rebellion didst receive,—from despair didst revive me,—let but Thy +presence be with me; and let my path lead where it will!'</p> + +<p>As I passed the village churchyard, I turned to visit the grave of her +whom I had lost. The stone had been placed upon it since I had seen it +last; and I felt as if the performance of the last duty had made our +separation more complete. 'And is this all that I can do for thee, my +friend?' said I. 'Are all the kindly charities cut off between us for +ever? Hast thou, who wert so lately alive to the joys and the sorrows of +every living thing, no share in all that is done or suffered here? Hast +thou, who so lately wert my other soul, no feeling now that owns kindred +with any thought of mine?—Yes. On one theme, in one employment we can +sympathise still. We can still worship together.' Kneeling upon the +grave of my last earthly friend, I commended myself to a heavenly one, +and was comforted. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIX" id="CHAPTER_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>They hate to mingle in the filthy fray,<br /> +Where the soul sours, and gradual rancour grows<br /> +Imbittered more from peevish day to day.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Thomson.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>Though I was no longer of a temper to reject the means of comfort which +still remained within my reach, or scornfully to repulse the mercies +both of God and man, I had accepted with reluctance the asylum offered +by the clergyman to whom Miss Mortimer had recommended me; for the +reserve which shrinks from obligation is one of the most unconquerable +forms of pride. Besides, though the Doctor's professional duties had +made me somewhat acquainted with him, his family were, even by +character, strangers to me. The state of Miss Mortimer's health had long +precluded us from paying or receiving visits; and my friend had none of +those habits of moral portrait-painting which seduce so many into +caricature. My reluctance to accept of the good man's hospitality had, +however, yielded partly to necessity, partly to the recollection that I +had once heard the 'Doctor's lady' called 'the cleverest woman in the +country.' For ability I had always entertained a high regard; which is +one of vanity's least bare-faced ways of claiming kindred with it. A +residence with persons of education and good manners was irresistible, +when the only alternative was an abode in a mean lodging, in which pride +or prudence would forbid me to receive even the few who still owned my +acquaintance. I had therefore consented to remain with Dr —— till an +answer should arrive from the sister to whom he had written on my +behalf.</p> + +<p>Though I knew that I was expected at the parsonage on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span> evening when +I left Miss Mortimer's, I lingered long by the way. The spirit which, +for a moment, had raised me above my fate, could not tarry; and earthly +woes and earthly passions soon resumed their power. A feeling of +loneliness and neglect returned to weigh upon my heart; and when I +reached the gate within which I was about to seek a shelter, I stopped; +leant my head against it; and wept, as if I had never committed myself +to a Father's protection,—never exulted in a Father's care. I felt it +unkind that no one came to save me the embarrassment of introducing +myself; and perhaps even my pride would not have stooped to the effort, +had I not at last been accosted by my host; who excused himself for not +having come to escort me, by saying that he had been unavoidably engaged +in professional duty. He now welcomed me cordially; expressing a hope +that I should soon feel myself at home,—'that is,' continued he, 'as +soon as the exertions of my good woman will allow you.'</p> + +<p>To this odd proviso I could only answer, 'That I was afraid my visit +might put Mrs —— to inconvenience.'</p> + +<p>'I wish that were possible, Miss Percy,' returned he; 'for then she +would be quite in her element.'</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached the door, and Dr —— knocked loudly. No +answer came, though the sounds of busy feet were heard within, and +lights glanced swiftly across the windows. After another vigorous +assault upon the knocker, the door was opened by a panting maid-servant; +in time to exhibit the descent of my hostess from a stool which she had +mounted, as it appeared, to light a lamp that hung from the ceiling. +Snatching off a checked apron, which she threw into a corner, she +advanced to receive me. 'Miss Percy!' she cried, 'I am so glad to see +you!—Doctor, I had no notion you could have got back so soon;—and +indeed ma'am I am quite proud that you will accept of such +accommodations as—Lord bless me, girl! did ever any body see such a +candlestick?—This way ma'am, if you please,—To bring up a thing like +that before strangers!'</p> + +<p>During this miscellaneous oration, I had made my way into the parlour, +and taken possession of the first seat I could find. But this was too +natural an arrangement of things to satisfy my good hostess. 'Oh dear! +Miss Percy,' said she, 'you are quite in the way of the door,—pray take +this side; Doctor, can't you give Miss Percy that chair?'</p> + +<p>At last the turmoil of placing us was over; and the good lady was +compelled to be quiet for a little. The scenes which I had lately +witnessed, the sense of being a stranger in what was now my only<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span> home, +depressed my spirits; yet good manners inclined me to enter into +conversation with my hostess. I soon found, however, that this was, for +the present, out of the question; for though, under a sense of duty, she +frequently spoke to her guest, my replies evidently escaped her powers +of attention, these being occupied by certain sounds proceeding from the +kitchen. For a while she kept fidgeting upon her chair, looking +wistfully towards the door; her politeness maintaining doubtful strife +with her anxieties. At last a crash of crockery overcame her +self-denial, and she ran out of the room.</p> + +<p>Our ears were presently invaded by all the discords of wrath and hurry; +but the Doctor, who seemed accustomed to such tumults, quietly drew his +chair close to mine, and began to discuss the merits of a late +publication, repeating his remarks with immovable patience, as often as +they were lost in the din. At length, however, he was touched in a +tender point; for now an audible kick produced a howl from the old +house-dog. The Doctor started up, took three strides across the room, +wiped his forehead, and sat down again. 'I thank Heaven,' said he, 'that +the children are all in bed,'—and he went on with his criticism.</p> + +<p>Late came the supper; and with it mine hostess, looking 'unutterable +things.' She forced her mouth, however, into an incongruous smile, while +she apologised to me for her absence; but she was too full of her recent +disaster long to deny herself the comforts of complaint and condolence. +'I hope, Miss Percy, you will try to eat a little bit of supper; though +to be sure it is a pretty supper indeed for one who has been accustomed +as you have been!'</p> + +<p>The looks of the speaker showed me that this speech was less intended +for me than for the poor girl who waited at table. 'I assure you, madam, +the supper is much better than any I ever was accustomed to. I never +exceed a biscuit or a jelly.'</p> + +<p>'Oh you are very good to say so; but I am sure,—and then to have it +served upon such mean-looking, nasty old cracked rubbish,—but I hope +you'll excuse it, ma'am; for Kitty there has thought fit to break no +less than three dozen of our blue china supper-set at one crash.'</p> + +<p>'That is a great pity.'</p> + +<p>'Pity! I declare my patience is quite worn out.'</p> + +<p>'We have reason to be thankful,' said the Doctor, 'that she did the +thing at once; it puts you into only one fury, instead of three dozen. +The treatise we were talking of, Miss Percy——'</p> + +<p>'Mercy upon me!' interrupted the lady, 'there is no salt in this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span> +stuffing!'</p> + +<p>'I say the author appears to me to reason upon false premises when——'</p> + +<p>'Hand the sauce to Miss Percy, do, that she may have something to +flavour that tasteless mess.'</p> + +<p>The poor fluttered girl, in her haste to obey, dropped the sauce-boat +into my lap. 'Heaven preserve me!' exclaimed the lady; 'she has finished +your new sarcenet gown, I declare.—Well! if you an't enough to drive +one distracted!'</p> + +<p>In vain did I protest that the gown was very little injured;—in vain +did I represent that the poor girl was unavoidably fluttered by her +former misdemeanour; peace was not re-established till the close of +supper allowed the delinquent to retire. Mrs —— then seemed to collect +her thoughts, and to recollect the propriety of conversing with her +guest. 'It must have been very hard upon poor Miss Mortimer,' said she, +'to be so long confined, and all the affairs of her family at sixes and +sevens all the while. To be sure, I dare say you would spare no trouble; +but, after all, there is nothing like the eye of a mistress.'</p> + +<p>Shocked as I was at this careless mention of my friend, I forced myself +to answer; 'Miss Mortimer's method was so regular that I never could +perceive where any trouble was necessary.'</p> + +<p>'That might be the case in Miss Mortimer's family. For my part I have +hard enough work with mine from morning to night. I really can't +conceive how people get on, who take matters so easily. To be sure there +must be great waste; but some people can afford that better than +others.'</p> + +<p>'There was no waste in Miss Mortimer's family, madam,' answered I, my +spirit rising at this reflection on my friend, 'not even a waste of +power.'</p> + +<p>I repented of this taunt almost the moment it was uttered. But it was +lost upon my hostess; who went on to demonstrate, that, without her +ceaseless intervention, disorder and ruin must ensue. 'Miss Percy', said +the Doctor gravely, 'are you satisfied with the order of pins in +ordinary paper; or do you purchase the pins wholesale, that you may +arrange them more correctly for yourself?'</p> + +<p>'Oh, none of your gibes, Dr ——; you know very well I don't spend my +time in sticking pins, or any such trifles. I have work enough, and more +than enough, in attending to your family.'</p> + +<p>'Ay, my dear,—and fortunate it is that all your industry has taken that +turn, for you can never be industrious by proxy; you can work<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span> with no +hands but your own.'</p> + +<p>It was now the hour of rest; or, more properly speaking, it was bedtime; +for I was disturbed by the bustle of the household long after I had +retired to a chamber, finical enough to keep me in mind that it was the +'stranger's room.' With a sigh, I remembered the quiet shelter I had +lost, and that true hospitality which never once reminded me, even by +officious cares, that I was a stranger. I hoped, however, that the +turmoil occasioned by my arrival, and the destruction of the blue +supper-set being over, peace might be restored in the family; and the +calm of the following morning be the sweeter for the hurricane of the +night. But the tumult of the evening was a lulling murmur to the full +chorus of busy morn. Ringing, trampling, scraping, knocking, scrubbing, +and all the clatter of housewifery, were mingled with the squalls of +children, and the clang of chastisement; and above all swelled my +landlady's tones, in every variety of exhortation and impatience.</p> + +<p>In short, Mrs —— was one of those who could not be satisfied with +putting the machine in motion, unless she watched and impelled the +action of every wheel and pivot. The interference was of course more +productive of derangement than of despatch. Besides, by taking upon +herself all the business of the maids, my hostess necessarily neglected +that of the mistress; the consequence of which was general confusion and +discomfort. Few can be so ignorant of human nature as to wonder that I +endured the petty miseries to which I was thus subjected with less +patience than I had lately shown under real misfortune. A little +religion will suffice to produce acts of resignation, when events have +tinctured the mind with their own solemnity, or when, 'by the sadness of +the countenance the heart is,' for a time, 'made better;' but Christian +patience finds exercise on a thousand occasions, when the dignity of her +name would be misapplied; and I had yet much to gain of that heavenly +temper, which extends its influence to lesser actions and lesser +foibles. A few hours served to make me completely weary of my new abode; +and I anxiously wished for the summons which was to transfer me to +another. Dr —— assured me that his sister would lose no time in +endeavouring to serve me; and I was determined to accept of any +situation which she should propose.</p> + +<p>Mrs Murray, the lady to whose patronage I had been recommended, was the +wife of a naval officer. Captain Murray was then at sea; and she, with +her son and daughter, resided in Edinburgh. Far<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span> from being averse to +follow my fortunes in this distant quarter, I preferred a residence +where I was wholly unknown. The friendship of Mr Sidney procured for me +the offer of an eligible situation in town; but I was predetermined +against hazarding the humiliations to which such a situation must have +exposed me. The wisdom of this resolution, I must own, would not bear +examination, and therefore I was never examined; for I retained too much +adroitness in self-deceit to let prudence fairly contest the point with +pride. I was destined to pay the penalty of my choice, and to illustrate +the invariable sequence of a 'haughty spirit' and a 'fall.'</p> + +<p>The expected letter at length arrived; and I thought myself fortunate +beyond my hopes, when I found that Mrs Murray was inclined to receive me +into her own family. My knowledge of music, particularly my skill in +playing on the harp, had recommended me as a teacher in a country which +pays for her fruitfulness in poetry by a singular sterility in the other +fine arts. Mrs Murray enquired upon what terms I would undertake the +tuition of her daughter; and seemed only fearful that my demands might +exceed her powers. After the receipt of her letter I was most eager to +depart. To terms I was utterly indifferent. All I wanted was quiet, and +an asylum which inferred no obligation to strangers. It is true, that my +hostess often assured me of the pleasure she received from my visit; but +my presence evidently occasioned such an infinity of trouble, that, if +her assurances were sincere, she must have been filled with more than +the spirit of martyrdom in my service. I was too impatient to be gone to +wait the formal arrangement of my engagement with Mrs Murray. I +instantly wrote to commit the terms of it entirely to herself; and then +took measures to obtain my immediate conveyance to Scotland.</p> + +<p>A journey by land was too expensive to be thought of; I therefore +secured my passage in a merchant vessel. It was in vain that Dr —— +advised me to wait further instructions from his sister; in hopes that +she might suggest a more eligible mode of travelling, or at least give +me notice that she was prepared for my reception. My dislike of my +present abode, my restlessness under a sense of obligation to such a +person as Mrs ——, prevailed against his counsels. In vain did he +represent the discomforts of a voyage at such a season of the year. I +was not more habitually impatient of present evil than fearless of that +which was yet to come. In short, after a little more than a week's +residence at the parsonage, I insisted upon making my début as a sailor +in the auspicious month of February, and committing myself, at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span> that +stormy season, to an element which as yet I knew only from description.</p> + +<p>Dr —— and Mr Sidney accompanied me to the vessel; and I own I began to +repent of my obstinacy, when they bade me farewell. As I saw their boat +glide from the vessel's side, and answered their parting signals, and +saw first the known features, then the forms, then the little bark +itself, fade from my sight, I wept over the rashness which had exiled me +among strangers; and coveted the humblest station cheered by the face of +friend or kinsman. The wind blowing strong and cold soon obliged me to +leave the deck; and, when I entered the close airless den in which I was +to be imprisoned with fourteen fellow-sufferers, I cordially wished +myself once more under the restraint imposed by nice arrangement and +finical decoration.</p> + +<p>I was soon obliged to retreat to a bed, compared with which the worst I +had ever occupied was the very couch of luxury. 'It must be owned,' +thought I, 'that a sea voyage affords good lessons for a fine lady.' +Sleep was out of the question. I was stunned with such variety of noise +as made me heartily regret the quiet of the parsonage. The rattling of +the cordage, the lashing of the waves, the heavy measured tread, the +tuneless song repeated without end, interrupted only by the sudden +dissonant call, and then begun again,—these, besides a hundred +inexplicable disturbances, continued day and night. To these was soon +added another, which attacked my quiet through other mediums than my +senses, the ship sprung a leak, and the pumps were worked without +intermission.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the wind rose to what I thought a hurricane; and, among us +passengers, whose ignorance probably magnified the danger, all was alarm +and dismay. A general fit of piety bespoke the general dread; and they +who had before been chiefly intent upon establishing their importance +with their fellow-travellers, seemed now feelingly convinced of their +own dependence and insignificancy. For my part, I prepared for death +with much greater resignation than I had found to bestow upon the +previous evils of my voyage;—not surely that it is easier to resign +life than to submit to a few inconveniences,—but that I had a tendency +to treat my religion like one of the fabled divinities, who are not to +be called into action except upon worthy occasions; whereas, it is +indeed her agency in matters of ordinary occurrence that shows her true +power and value. I am much mistaken, if it be not easier to die like a +martyr than to live like a Christian; and if the glory of our faith be +not better displayed in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span> a life of meekness, humility, and self-denial, +than even in a death of triumph. I am sure the question would not bear +dispute, if all mankind were unhappily born with feelings as lively, and +passions as strong as mine. Whether my faith would have been equal even +to what I account the lesser victory, remains to be proved; for, on the +second day, the gale abated, and, from our heart-sinking prison we were +once more released, to breathe the fresh breeze which now blew from the +near coast of Holland.</p> + +<p>The bloody conflict was then only beginning which has won for my country +such imperishable honours. At Rotterdam we could then find safety, and +the means of refitting our crazy vessel, so far as was necessary for the +completion of our voyage. It will readily be believed, that those of our +company who were least accustomed to brave the ocean were eager to tread +the steady earth once more. We all went on shore; and I, wholly ignorant +of all methods of economy in a situation so new to me, took up my abode +in a comfortable hotel; where I remained during the week which elapsed +before we were able to proceed upon our voyage. At the end of that time, +I discovered, with surprise and consternation, that my wealth had +diminished to little more than ten guineas. I comforted myself, however, +by recollecting, that once under the protection of Mrs Murray I should +have little occasion for money; and that a few shillings were all the +expense which I was likely to incur before I was safely lodged in my new +home.</p> + +<p>The remainder of the voyage was prosperous; and in little more than a +fortnight after my first embarkation, I found myself seated in the +hackney-coach which was to convey me from the harbour to Edinburgh. Not +even the beauty and singularity of this romantic town could divert my +imagination from the person upon whom I expected so much of my future +happiness to depend. I anticipated the character, the manners, the +appearance, the very attire of Mrs Murray; imagined the circumstances of +my introduction, and planned the general form of our future intercourse. +'Oh that she may be one whom I can love, and love safely,' thought I; +'one endowed with somewhat of the spirit of her whom I have lost!' My +intercourse with the world, perhaps my examination of my own heart, had +destroyed much of my fearless confidence in every thing that bore the +human form; and now my spirits sunk, as I recollected how small was my +chance of finding another Miss Mortimer.</p> + +<p>A sudden twilight was closing as I entered the street of dull<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span> +magnificence, in which stood the dwelling of my patroness. Though in the +midst of a large city, all seemed still and forsaken. The bustle of +business or amusement was silent here. Single carriages, passing now and +then at long intervals, sounded through the vacant street till the noise +died in the distance. The busy multitudes whom I was accustomed to +associate with the idea of a city had retired to their homes; and I +envied them who could so retire,—who could enter the sanctuary of their +own roof, sit in their own accustomed seat, hear the familiar voice, and +grasp the hand that had ten thousand times returned the pressure.</p> + +<p>All around me strengthened the feelings of loneliness which are so apt +to visit the heart of a stranger; and I anxiously looked from the +carriage to descry the only spot in which I would claim an interest. The +coach stopped at the door of a large house, handsome indeed, but more +dark, I thought, and dismal if possible than the rest. I scarcely +breathed till my summons was answered; nor was it without an effort that +I enquired whether Mrs Murray was at home?</p> + +<p>'No, madam,' was the answer; 'she has been gone this fortnight.'</p> + +<p>'Gone! Good heavens! Whither?'</p> + +<p>'To Portsmouth, madam. As soon as the news came of the Captain's coming +in wounded, Mrs Murray and Miss Arabella set <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'our'">out</ins> immediately.'</p> + +<p>'And did she leave no letter for me? No instructions?'</p> + +<p>The servant's answer convinced me that my arrival was even wholly +unexpected. Struck with severe disappointment, overwhelmed with a sense +of utter desertedness, my spirits failed; and I sunk back into the +carriage faint and forlorn.</p> + +<p>'Do you alight here ma'am?' enquired the coachman.</p> + +<p>'No!' answered I, scarcely knowing what I said.</p> + +<p>'Where do you go next?' asked the man.</p> + +<p>I replied only by a bitter passion of tears. 'Alas!' thought I, 'I once, +in the mere wilfulness of despair, rejected the blessings of a home and +a friend. How righteous is the retribution which leaves me now homeless +and friendless!'</p> + +<p>'Perhaps, ma'am,' said the servant, seemingly touched by my distress, +'Mrs Murray may have left some message with Mr Henry for you.'</p> + +<p>'Mr Henry!' cried I; 'is Mrs Murray's son here?'</p> + +<p>'Yes, ma'am. Mr Henry staid to finish his classes in the college. He is +not at home just now; but I expect him every minute. Will you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span> please to +come in and rest a little?'</p> + +<p>With this invitation I thought it best to comply; and dismissing the +coach, followed the servant into the house. I was shown into a handsome +parlour, where the cheerful blaze of a Scotch coal fire gave light +enough to show that all was elegance and comfort. My buoyant heart rose +again; and, not considering how improbable it was that my patroness +should commit a girl of eighteen to the guardianship of a youth little +above the same age, I began to hope that Mrs Murray had given her son +directions to receive me. In this hope I sat waiting his return; now +listening for his approach; now trying to conjecture what instructions +he would bring me; now beguiling the time with the books which were +scattered round the room.</p> + +<p>Though some of these were works of general literature, there was +sufficient peculiarity in the selection, to show that the young student +was intended for the bar. Indeed, before he arrived, I had formed, from +a view of the family apartment, a tolerable guess of the habits and +pursuits of its owners. Open upon a sofa was a pocket Tibullus; within a +Dictionary of Decisions lay a well-read first volume of the Nouvelle +Eloise. Then there were Le Vaillant's Travels; Erskine's Institutes; and +a Vindication of Queen Mary. 'If the young lawyer has not disposed of +his heart already, I shall be too pretty for my place,' thought I: 'and +now for my patroness!' The card-racks contained some twenty visiting +tickets, upon which the same matronly names were repeated at least four +times. A large work-bag, which hung near the great chair, was too well +stuffed to close over a half-knitted stocking, and a prayer-book, which +opened of itself at the prayer for those who travel by sea. My +imagination instantly pictured a faded, serious countenance, with that +air of tender abstraction which belongs to those whose thoughts are +fixed upon the absent and the dear. Miss Arabella's magnificent harp +stood in a window, and her likeness in the act of dancing a hornpipe +hung over the chimney; her music-stand was loaded with easy sonatas and +Scotch songs; and her portfolio was bursting with a humble progression +of water-colour drawings.</p> + +<p>My conjectures were interrupted by a loud larum at the house-door, which +announced the return of my young host. My heart beat anxiously. I +started from the sofa like one who felt no right to be seated there; and +sat down again, because I felt myself awkward when standing. I thought I +heard the servant announce my arrival to his master as he passed through +the lobby; and after a few questions<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span> asked and answered in an under +voice, the young man entered the parlour with a countenance which +plainly said, 'What in the world am I to do with the creature?' As I +rose to receive him, however, I saw this expression give place to +another. Strong astonishment was pictured in his face, then yielded +again to the glow of youthful complacency and admiration.</p> + +<p>On my part I was little less struck with my student's exterior, than he +appeared to be with mine. Instead of the awkward, mawkish school-boy +whom I had fancied, he was a tall, elegant young man, with large +sentimental black eyes, and a clear brown complexion, whose paleness +repaid in interest whatever it <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'substracted'">subtracted</ins> from the youthfulness of his +appearance.</p> + +<p>I was the first to speak. Having expressed my regret at Mrs Murray's +absence, and the cause of it, I begged to know whether she had left any +commands for me. Murray replied, that he believed his mother had written +to me before her departure; and that she had hoped her letter might +reach me in time to delay my journey to a milder season.</p> + +<p>'Unfortunately,' said I, 'most unfortunately, I had set out before that +letter arrived.'</p> + +<p>'Excuse me,' returned my companion, with polite vivacity, 'if I cannot +call any accident unfortunate which has procured me this pleasure.' I +could answer this civility only by a gesture, for my heart was full. I +saw that I had no claim to my present shelter; and other place of refuge +I had none. Oh how did I repent the self-will which had reduced me to so +cruel a dilemma! 'In a few weeks at farthest,' continued Mr Murray, 'my +father will be able to travel; and then I am certain my mother will +bring Arabella home immediately.'</p> + +<p>Still I could make no reply. 'A few weeks!' thought I, 'what is to +become of me even for one week, even for one night!' Tears were +struggling for vent; but to have yielded to my weakness, would have +seemed like an appeal to compassion; and the moment this thought +occurred, the necessary effort was made. I rose, and requested that Mr +Murray would allow his servant to procure a carriage for me, and direct +me to some place where I could find respectable accommodation.</p> + +<p>To this proposal Murray warmly objected. 'I hope,—I beg Miss Percy,' +said he eagerly, 'you will not think of leaving my mother's house +to-night. Though she has been obliged to refuse herself the pleasure of +receiving you, I know she would be deeply mortified to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span> find that you +would not remain, even for one night, under her roof.'</p> + +<p>I made my acknowledgments for his invitation; but said, I had neither +title nor desire to intrude upon any part of Mrs Murray's family, and +renewed my request. Murray persevered in urgent and respectful +entreaties. They were so well seconded by the lateness of the hour, for +it was now near ten o'clock, and by the contrast of the comfort within +doors, with the storm which was raging abroad, that my scruples began to +give way; and the first symptom of concession was so eagerly seized, +that, before I had leisure to consider of proprieties, my young host had +ordered his mother's bedchamber to be prepared for my reception.</p> + +<p>This arrangement made, he turned the conversation to general topics, and +amused me very agreeably till we separated for the night. I know not if +ever I had offered up more hearty thanksgivings for shelter and security +than I did in that evening's prayer; so naturally do we reserve our +chief gratitude for blessings of precarious tenure. But I omitted my +self-examination that night; either because I was worn out and languid, +or because I was half conscious of having done what prudence would not +justify.</p> + +<p>I slept soundly, however, and awoke in revived spirits. My host renewed +all his attentions. We conversed, in a manner very interesting to +ourselves, of public places, of the last new novel; and this naturally +led us into the labyrinths of the human heart, and the mysteries of the +tender passion. Then I played on the harp, which threw my young lawyer +into raptures; then I sung, which drew tears into the large black eyes. +In short, the forenoon was pretty far advanced before my student +recollected that he had missed his law-class by two hours.</p> + +<p>All this was the effect of mere thoughtlessness; for I was guiltless of +all design upon Murray's affections, or even upon his admiration. I now, +however, suddenly recollected myself, and renewed my enquiries for some +eligible abode; but Murray, with more warmth than ever, objected to my +removal. He laboured to convince me that his mother's house, for so he +dexterously called it, was the most eligible residence for me, at least +till I should learn how Mrs Murray wished me to act. Finding me a little +hard of conviction, he proposed a new expedient. He offered to call upon +a sister of his father's, and to obtain for me her advice or assistance. +Most cordially did I thank him for this proposal, and urged him to +execute it instantly. He lingered, however, and endeavoured to escape +the subject; and when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span> I persisted in pressing it, he fairly owned his +unwillingness to perform his promise. 'If Mrs St Clare should wile you +away from me,' said he with a very Arcadian sigh, 'how will you ever +repay me for such self-devotion?'</p> + +<p>'With an old song,' answered I gaily; 'payment enough for such a +sacrifice.' But I registered the sigh notwithstanding. 'Touched +already!' thought I. 'So much for Tibullus and the Nouvelle Eloise!'</p> + +<p>At last I drove him away; but he soon returned, and told me he had not +found Mrs St Clare at home. I made him promise to renew his attempt in +the evening, <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'amd'">and</ins> proposed meanwhile to write to Mrs Murray an account of +my situation. My companion at first made no objection; but afterwards +discovered that it was almost too late to overtake that day's post, and +offered to save time, by mentioning the matter in the postscript of a +letter which he had already written. I consented; but afterwards obliged +him to tell me, rather unwillingly, in what terms he had put his +communication.</p> + +<p>'From the way in which you have written,' said I, when he had ended, +'Mrs Murray will never discover that I am residing in her house. Were it +not better to say distinctly that I am here?'</p> + +<p>I looked at my young lawyer as I spoke, and saw him blush very deeply. +He hesitated too; and stammered while he answered, 'that it was +unnecessary, since his mother could not suppose me to reside anywhere +else.'</p> + +<p>The full impropriety of my situation flashed upon me at once. Murray +evidently felt that there was something in it which he was unwilling to +submit to the judgment of his mother. My delicacy, or rather perhaps my +pride, thus alarmed, my resolution was taken in a moment; but as I could +not well avow the grounds of my determination, I retired in silence to +make what little preparation was necessary for my immediate departure.</p> + +<p>If my purpose had wanted confirmation, it would have been confirmed by a +dialogue which I accidentally overheard, between Murray and a youth who +just then called for him. My host seemed pressing his friend to return +to supper. 'Do come,' said he, 'and I will show you an angel—the +loveliest girl——'—'Where? in this house?'—'Yes, my sister's +governess.'—'Left to keep house for you? Eh? a good judicious +arrangement, faith.'—'Hush—I assure you her manners are as correct as +her person is beautiful;—such elegance,—such modest vivacity,—and +then she sings! Oh, Harry, if you did but hear her sing!'—'Well I +believe I must come and take a look of this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span> wonder.'—'The wonder,' +thought I, 'shall not be made a spectacle to idle boys,—nor remain in a +situation of which even they can see the impropriety.' I rang for the +housemaid; and putting half-a-guinea into her hand, requested that she +would direct me to reputable lodgings, and procure a hackney-coach to +convey me thither. Both of these services she performed without delay; +meanwhile, I went to take leave of my young host.</p> + +<p>He heard of my intention with manifest discomposure, and exerted all his +eloquence to shake my purpose; entreating me at least to remain with him +till he had seen Mrs St Clare; but I was more disposed to anger than to +acquiescence, when I recollected that all his entreaties were intended +to make me do what he himself felt to need disguise or apology. Finding +me resolute, he next begged to know where he might bring Mrs St Clare to +wait upon me; but suspecting that my apartments might not be such as I +chose to exhibit, I declined this favour. I took, however, the lady's +address, meaning to avail myself of her assistance in procuring +employment. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XX" id="CHAPTER_XX"></a>CHAPTER XX</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Lend me thy clarion, goddess! Let me try<br /> +To sound the praise of merit ere it dies;<br /> +Such as I oft have chanced to espy,<br /> +Lost in the dreary shades of dull obscurity.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Shenstone.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>With a feeling of dignity and independence which had forsaken me in my +more splendid abode, I took possession of an apartment contrived to +serve the double purposes of parlour and bedchamber. 'I have done +right,' thought I, 'whatever be the consequences; and these are in the +hands of One who has given me the strongest pledge that he will +over-rule them for my advantage.' Yet, alas for my folly! I was almost +the next moment visited by the fear, that the advantage might not be +palpable to present observation, and that it might belong more to my +improvement than to my convenience.</p> + +<p>I now felt no reluctance to address Mrs Murray; and to enquire whether +it were still her wish to receive me into her family. One circumstance +alone embarrassed me; I plainly perceived, that I had already made such +an impression upon Henry, as his mother was not likely to approve; and +it seemed dishonourable to owe my admission into her family to her +ignorance of that which she would probably deem sufficient reason to +exclude me. I knew the world, indeed, too well, to expect that the +passion of a youth of twenty, for a girl with a fortune of nine pounds +three shillings, was itself likely to be either serious or lasting; but +its consequences might be both, if it relaxed industry, or destroyed +cheerfulness, darkening the sunny morning with untimely shade.</p> + +<p>But how could I forewarn my patroness of her danger? Could I tell<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span> her, +not only that one day's acquaintance with her son had sufficed me to +make the conquest, but, which was still less <i>selon les <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'regles'">règles</ins></i>, to +discover that I had made it? I dared not brave the smile which would +have avenged such an absurdity. After some consideration, I took my +resolution. I determined to introduce myself the next day to Mrs St +Clare, who, I imagined, would not long leave her sister-in-law in +ignorance of my personal attractions; for I have often observed, that we +ladies, while we grudge to a beauty the admiration and praise of the +other sex, generally make her amends by the sincerity and profuseness of +our own.</p> + +<p>'And if her description alarm Mrs Murray,' thought I; 'if it deter her +from admitting me under the roof with her son, what then is to become of +me?—What will my pretty features do for me then?—What have they ever +done for me, except to fill my ears with flatteries, and my mind with +conceit, and the hearts of others with envy and malice. Maitland, +indeed,—but no—it was not my face that Maitland loved. Rather to the +pride of beauty I owe that wretched spirit of coquetry by which I lost +him. And now this luckless gift may deprive me of respectable protection +and subsistence. Surely I shall at last be cured of my value for a +bauble so mischievous—so full of temptation—so incapable of +ministering either to the glory of God or the good of man!' Ah, how easy +it is to despise baubles while musing by fire-light in a solitary +chamber!</p> + +<p>The evening passed in solitude, but not in weariness; for I was not +idle. I spent the time in writing to Mrs Murray, and in giving to my +friend Dr —— an account of my voyage, and of my disappointment. The +hour soon came which I now habitually devoted to the invitation of +better thoughts, the performance of higher duties; and thanks be to +Heaven, that neither human converse, nor human protection, nor ought +else that the worldly can enjoy or value, is necessary to the comfort of +that hour!</p> + +<p>The next day Murray came early, under pretence of enquiring how I was +satisfied with my accommodation; and I was pleased that the mission +which he had undertaken to Mrs St Clare, gave me a pretext for being +glad to see him. I know not what excuse he could make for a visit of +three hours long; but my plea for permitting it was the impossibility of +ordering him away. He left me, however, at last; and, more convinced +than ever that his mother would do well to dispense with my services, I +went to present myself to Mrs St Clare.</p> + +<p>Arrived at her house, I was ushered into the presence of a tall,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span> +elderly, hard-favoured gentlewoman; who, seated most perpendicularly on +a great chair, was employed in working open stitches on a French lawn +apron. I cannot say that her exterior was much calculated to dispel the +reserve of a stranger. Her figure might have served to illustrate all +the doctrines of the acute angle. Her countenance was an apt epitome of +the face of her native land;—rough with deep furrow and uncouth +prominence, and grim with one dusky uniformity of hue. As I entered, +this erect personage rose from her seat, and, therefore, almost +necessarily advanced one step to meet me. I offered some apology for my +intrusion. From a certain rustle of her stiff lutestring gown, I guessed +that the lady made some gesture of courtesy, though I cannot pretend +that I saw the fact.</p> + +<p>'Mr Murray, I believe, has been so good as to mention me,' said I.</p> + +<p>The lady looked towards a chair; and this I was obliged to accept as an +invitation to sit down.</p> + +<p>'I have been particularly unfortunate in missing Mrs Murray,' said I.</p> + +<p>'Hum!' returned the lady, with a scarcely perceptible nod; and a pause +followed.</p> + +<p>'She left Scotland very unexpectedly.'</p> + +<p>'Very unexpectedly.'</p> + +<p>Another pause.</p> + +<p>'I happened unluckily to have begun my journey before I learnt that it +was unnecessary.'</p> + +<p>'That was a pity.'</p> + +<p>'I hope she is not likely to be long absent?'</p> + +<p>'Indeed there is no saying.'</p> + +<p>'Perhaps she may not choose that I should wait her return?'</p> + +<p>'Really I can't tell.'</p> + +<p>Until this hour, I had never known what it was to shrink before the +repulse of frozen reserve; for the cordiality which had once been +obtained for me by the gifts of nature or of fortune had of late been +secured to me by partial affection and Christian benevolence. My temper +began to rebel; but struggles with my temper were now habitual with me. +I drew a long breath, and renewed my animating dialogue. 'May I ask +whether, in case Mrs Murray should not want my services, you think I am +likely to find employment here as a governess?'</p> + +<p>'Indeed I don't know. Few people like to take entire strangers into +their families.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span></p> + +<p>'The same recommendation which introduced me to Mrs Murray, I can still +command.'</p> + +<p>'Hum.'</p> + +<p>A long silence followed, for I had another conflict with my temper; but +I was fully victorious before I spoke again.</p> + +<p>'I am afraid, madam,' said I, 'that you will not think me entitled to +use Mrs Murray's name with you so far as to beg that, upon her account, +if you should hear of any situation in which I can be useful, you will +have the goodness to recollect me.'</p> + +<p>'It is not likely, Miss Percy, that I should hear of any thing to suit +you. At any rate, I make it a rule never to interfere in people's +domestic arrangements.'</p> + +<p>My patience now quite exhausted, I took my leave with an air, I fear, +not less ungracious than that of my hostess; and pursued my lonely way +homewards, fully inclined to defer the revolting task of soliciting +employment, till I should ascertain that Mrs Murray's plans made it +indispensable.</p> + +<p>How often, as I passed along the street, did I start, as my eye caught +some slight resemblance to a known face, and sigh over the futility of +my momentary hope! He who in the wildest nook of earth possesses one +friend 'to whom he may tell that solitude is sweet,' knows not how +cheerless it is to enter a home drearily secure from the intrusion of a +friend. Yet, having now abundance of leisure for reflection, I should +have been inexcusable, if I had made no use of this advantage; and if, +in the single point of conduct which seemed left to my decision, I had +acted with imprudence. There was evident impropriety in Murray's visits. +To encourage his boyish admiration would have been cruel to him, +ungenerous towards Mrs Murray, and incautious with respect to myself. It +was hard, indeed, to resign the only social pleasure within my reach; +but was pleasure to be deliberately purchased at the hazard of causing +disquiet to the parent, and rebellion in the son? and this too by one +engaged to exercise self-denial as the mere instrument of self-command? +I peremptorily renounced the company of my young admirer; and whoever +would know what this effort cost me, must reject earnest entreaty, and +resist sorrowful upbraiding, and listen to a farewell which is the known +prelude to utter solitude.</p> + +<p>A dull unvaried week passed away, during which I never went abroad +except to church. My landlady, indeed, insisted, that even women of +condition might with safety and decorum traverse her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span> native city +unattended; and pointed out from my window persons whom she averred to +be of that description; but the assured gait and gaudy attire of these +ladies made me suspect that she was rather unfortunate in her choice of +instances. At last, in a mere weariness of confinement, I one day +consented to accompany her abroad.</p> + +<p>We passed the singular bridge which delighted me with the strangely +varied prospect of antique grandeur and modern regularity,—of a city +cleft into a noble vista towards naked rock and cultivated plain,—seas +busy with commerce, and mountains that shelter distant solitudes. I +could scarcely be dragged away from this interesting spot; but my +landlady, to whom it offered nothing new, was, soon after leaving it, +much more attracted by a little scarlet flag, upon which was printed in +large letters, 'A rouping in here.' This she told me announced a sale of +household furniture, which she expressed much curiosity to see; and I +suffered her to conduct me down a lane, or rather passage, so narrow as +to afford us scarcely room to walk abreast, or light enough to guide us +through the filth that encumbered our way. A second notice directed us +to ascend a dark winding staircase; leading, as I afterwards learned, to +the abodes of about thirty families. We had climbed, I think, about as +high as the whispering gallery of St Paul's, when our progress was +arrested by the crowd which the auction had attracted to one of the +several compartments into which each floor seemed divided. I recoiled +from joining a party apparently composed of the lowest orders of +mankind. But my companion averring that in such places she could often +make a good bargain, elbowed her way into the scene of action.</p> + +<p>While I hesitated whether to follow her, my attention was caught by the +beauty of a child, who now half hiding his rosy face on the shoulder of +his mother, cast a sidelong glance on the strangers, and now ventured to +take a more direct view; while she, regardless of the objects of his +curiosity, stood leaning her forehead against the wall in an attitude of +quiet dejection. I watched her for a few moments, and saw the tears +trickle from her face. So venerable is unobtrusive sorrow, that I could +with more ease have accosted a duchess than this poor woman, though her +dress denoted her to be one of those upon whom has fallen a double +portion of the primeval curse. Her distress, however, did not seem so +awe-inspiring to her equals; for one of them presently approaching, gave +her a smart slap upon the shoulder, and, in a tone between pity and +reproach, enquired, 'what ailed her?' The poor woman looked up, wiped +the tears from her eyes, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span> faintly tried to smile. 'There is not much +ails me,' said she; but the words were scarcely articulate.</p> + +<p>'Many a one has been rouped out before now,' said the other.</p> + +<p>The reflection was ill-timed; for my poor woman covered her face with +her apron, and burst into a violent fit of sobbing. I had now found a +person of whom I could more freely ask questions, which, indeed, all +seemed eager to answer; and I quickly discovered that Cecil Graham, for +so my mourner was called, was the wife of a soldier, whom the first and +firmest sentiment of a Highlander had lured from his native glen to +follow the banner of his chieftain; that when his regiment had been +ordered abroad, she had unwillingly been left behind; that, in the +decent abode which Highland frugality had procured for her, she had, by +her labour, supported herself and two children; but that, on the night +before her rent became due, she had been robbed of the little deposit +which was meant to pay it; and that her landlord, after some months of +vain delay, had availed himself of his right over the property of his +debtor.</p> + +<p>'And will he,' cried I, touched with a fellow-feeling, 'will he drive +this poor young woman abroad among strangers! without a home or a +friend! God forgive him.'</p> + +<p>'I do not want for friends, and good friends, madam,' said the +Highlander, in the strong accent of her country, but with far less of +its peculiar pronunciation than disguised the language of her +companions; 'all the streams of Benarde canna' wash my blood from the +laird's himsel'.'</p> + +<p>'What laird?' enquired I, smiling at the metaphorical language of my new +acquaintance. 'Eredine himsel', lady; his grandfather and my +great-grandmother were sister and brother childer:' meaning, as I +afterwards found, that these ancestors were cousins.</p> + +<p>'And will the laird do nothing for his relation?' said I.</p> + +<p>'That's what <i>he</i> would, madam, and that indeed would <i>he</i>,' returned +Cecil, laying an odd emphasis upon the pronoun, and gesticulating with +great solemnity. 'He's no' the man to take the child out of the cradle +and put out the smoke.'</p> + +<p>'Why do you not apply to him then?'</p> + +<p>'Indeed lady I'm no' going to trouble the laird. You see he might think +that I judged he was like bound to uphold me and mine, because Jemmy was +away wi' Mr Kenneth, ye see.'</p> + +<p>'What then will you do? Will you allow yourself to be stripped of all?'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span></p> + +<p>'If I could make my way home, lady,' returned the Highlander, 'I should +do well enough;—we must not expect to be always full-handed. What I +think the most upon is, that they should sell the bit cloth that mysel' +span to row us in.'</p> + +<p>'To roll you in!' repeated I, utterly unable to guess what constituted +the peculiar value of this bit of cloth.</p> + +<p>'Ay,' returned Cecil, 'to wind Jemmy and me in, with your leave, when we +are at our rest; and a bonnier bit linen ye could na' see. The like of +yoursel' might have lain in it, lady, or Miss Graham hersel'.'</p> + +<p>I could scarcely help smiling at the tears which poor Cecil was now +shedding over the loss of this strange luxury; and looked up to find +some trace of folly in the countenance of one who, robbed of all her +worldly possessions, bestowed her largest regrets upon a fine +winding-sheet. But no trace of folly was there. The cool sagacity, +indicated by the clear broad forehead and the distinct low-set eyebrow, +was enlivened by the sparkle of a quick black eye; and her firm sharply +chiseled face, though disfigured by its national latitude of cheek, +presented a strong contrast to the dull vulgarity of feature which +surrounded her. When my examination was closed, I enquired how far +distant was the home of which she had spoken.</p> + +<p>'Did you ever hear of a place they call Glen Eredine?' said Cecil, +answering my question by another. 'It is like a hundred miles and a bit, +west and north from this.'</p> + +<p>'And how do you propose to travel so far at such a season?'</p> + +<p>'If it be the will of the Best, I must just ask a morsel, with your +leave, upon the way. I'll not have much to carry—only the infant on my +breast, and a pickle snuff I have gathered for my mother. This one is a +stout lad-bairn—God save him<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a>; he'll walk on's feet a bit now and +then.'</p> + +<p>Though my English feelings revolted from the ease with which my +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span>Highlander condescended to begging, I could not help admiring the +fortitude with which this young creature, for she did not seem above +two-and-twenty, looked forward to a journey over frozen mountains, and +lonely wilds; which she must traverse on foot, encumbered by two +infants, and exposed to the rigour of a stormy season. I stood pondering +the means of preventing these evils; and at last asked her 'whether the +parish would not bestow somewhat towards procuring her a conveyance?'</p> + +<p>'What's your will?' said Cecil, as if she did not quite comprehend me; +though at the same time. I saw her redden deeply.</p> + +<p>Thinking she had misunderstood me, I varied the terms of my question.</p> + +<p>Cecil's eyes flashed fire. 'The poor's box!' said she, breathing short +from the effort to suppress her indignation, 'Good troth, there's nobody +needs <i>even</i> me to the like. The parish, indeed! No, no, we have come to +much; but we have no come to that yet:' she paused, and tears rose to +her eyes. 'My dear dog<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a>,' said she, caressing her little boy, 'ye +shall want both house and hauld before your mother cast shame upon ye; +and your father so far away.'</p> + +<p>Confounded at the emotion which I had unwittingly occasioned, I +apologised as well as I was able, assuring her that I had not the least +intention to offend; and that in my country, persons of the most +respectable character accounted it no discredit to accept of parish aid. +At last I partly succeeded in pacifying my Highlander. 'To be sure,' +said she, 'every place must have its <i>oun</i> fashion, and it may come easy +enough to the like of <i>them</i>; but its no' to be thought that people +that's come of respected gentles will go to <i>demean</i> themselves and all +that belongs them.'</p> + +<p>I was acknowledging my mistake, and endeavouring to excuse it upon the +plea of a stranger's ignorance, when one of the crowd advanced to inform +Cecil that her treasured web was then offering for sale; and, so far as +I could understand the barbarous jargon of the speaker, seemed to urge +the rightful owner to buy it back. Cecil's answer was rather more +intelligible. 'Well, well,' said she, 'if it be ordained, mysel' shall +lie in the bare boards; for that pound shall never be broken by me.'</p> + +<p>'What pound?' enquired I.</p> + +<p>'A note that Jemmy willed to his mother,' answered Cecil; 'and I <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span>never +had convenience to send her yet.'</p> + +<p>She spoke with perfect simplicity, as if wholly unconscious of the +generous fidelity which her words implied.</p> + +<p>I had so long been accustomed to riches that I could not always remember +my poverty. In five minutes I had glided through the crowd, purchased +Cecil's treasure, restored it to its owner, and recollected that, +without doing her any real service, I had spent what I could ill afford +to spare.</p> + +<p>The time had been when I could have mistaken this impulse of +constitutional good nature for an act of virtue; but I had learnt to +bestow that title with more discrimination. I was more embarrassed than +delighted by the blessings which Cecil, half in Gaelic, half in English, +uttered with great solemnity. 'Is it enough,' asked conscience, 'to +humour the prejudices of this poor creature, and leave her real wants +unrelieved?'—'But can they,' replied selfishness, 'spare relief to the +wants of others, who are themselves upon the brink of want?'—'She is +like you, alone in the land of strangers,' whispered sympathy.—'She is +the object,' said piety, 'of the same compassion to which you are +indebted for life—life in its highest, noblest sense!'—'Is it right,' +urged worldly-wisdom, 'to part with your only visible means of +subsistence?'—'You have but little to give,' pleaded my better reason; +'seize then the opportunity which converts the mite into a treasure.' +The issue of the debate was, that I purchased for poor Cecil the more +indispensable articles of her furniture; secured for her a shelter till +a milder season might permit her to travel more conveniently; and found +my wealth diminished to a sum which, with economy, might support my +existence for another week.</p> + +<p>Much have I heard of the rewards of an approving conscience, but I am +obliged to confess, that my own experience does not warrant my +recommending them as motives of conduct. I have uniformly found my best +actions, like other fruits of an ungenial climate, less to be admired +because they were good, than tolerated because they were no worse. I +suspect, indeed, that the comforts of self-approbation are generally +least felt when they are most needed; and that no one, who in depressing +circumstances enters on a serious examination of his conduct, ever finds +his spirits raised by the review. If this suspicion be just, it will +obviously follow, that the boasted dignity of conscious worth is not +exactly the sentiment which has won so many noble triumphs over +adversity. For my part, as I shrunk into my lonely<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span> chamber, and sighed +over my homely restricted meal, I felt more consolation in remembering +the goodness which clothes the unprofitable lily of the field, and feeds +the improvident tenants of the air, than in exulting that I could bestow +'half my goods to feed the poor.'</p> + +<p>That recollection, and the natural hilarity of temper which has survived +all the buffetings of fortune, supported my spirits during the lonely +days which passed in waiting Mrs Murray's reply. At length it came; to +inform me, that the state of Captain Murray's health would induce my +patroness to shun in a milder climate the chilling winds of a Scotch +spring; to express her regrets for my unavailing journey, and for her +own inability to further my plans; and, as the best substitute for her +own presence, to refer me once more to the erect Mrs St Clare. This +reference I at first vehemently rejected; for I had not yet digested the +courtesies which I already owed to this lady's urbanity. But, moneyless +and friendless as I was, what alternative remained? I was at last forced +to submit, and that only with the worse grace for my delay.</p> + +<p>To Mrs St Clare's then I went; in a humour which will be readily +conceived by any one who remembers the time when sobbing under a sense +of injury he was forced to kiss his hand and beg pardon. The lady's mien +was nothing sweetened since our last interview. While I was taking +uninvited possession of a seat, she leisurely folded up her work, pulled +on her gloves, and crossing her arms, drew up into the most stony +rigidity of aspect. Willing to despatch my business as quickly as +possible, I presented Mrs Murray's letter, begging that she would +consider it as an apology for my intrusion. 'I have heard from Mrs +Murray,' said my gracious hostess, without advancing so much as a finger +towards the letter which I offered. I felt myself redden, but I bit my +lip and made a new attempt.</p> + +<p>'Mrs Murray,' said I, 'gives me reason to hope that I may be favoured +with your advice.'</p> + +<p>'You are a much better judge of your own concerns, Miss Percy, than I +can be.'</p> + +<p>'I am so entirely a stranger here, madam, that I should be indebted to +any advice which might assist me in procuring respectable employment.'</p> + +<p>'I really know nobody just now that wants a person in your line, Miss +Percy.' In my line! The phrase was certainly not conciliating. 'Indeed I +rather wonder what could make my friend Mrs Murray<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span> direct you to me.'</p> + +<p>'A confidence in your willingness to oblige her, I presume, madam,' +answered I; no longer able to brook the cool insolence of my companion.</p> + +<p>'I should be glad to oblige her,' returned the impenetrable Mrs St +Clare; without discomposing a muscle except those necessary to +articulation; 'so if I happen to hear of any thing in your way I will +let you know. In the mean time, it may be prudent to go home to your +friends, and remain with them till you find a situation.'</p> + +<p>'Had it been possible for me to follow this advice, madam,' cried I, the +scalding tears filling my eyes, 'you had never been troubled with this +visit.'</p> + +<p>'Hum. I suppose you have not money to carry you home. Eh?'</p> + +<p>I would have retorted the insolent freedom of this question with a burst +of indignant reproof; but my utterance was choked; I had not power to +articulate a syllable.</p> + +<p>'Though I am not fond of advancing money to people I know nothing +about,' continued the lady, 'yet upon Mrs Murray's account here are five +pounds, which I suppose will pay your passage to London.'</p> + +<p>For more than a year I had maintained a daily struggle with my pride; +and I fancied that I had, in no small degree, prevailed. Alas! occasion +only was wanting to show me the strength of my enemy. To be thus +coarsely offered an alms by a common stranger, roused at once the +sleeping serpent. A sense of my destitute state, dependent upon +compassion, defenceless from insult; a remembrance of my better fortune; +pride, shame, indignation, and a struggle to suppress them all, entirely +overcame me. A darkness passed before my eyes; the blood sprang +violently from my nostrils; I darted from the room without uttering a +word; and, before I was sensible of my actions, found myself in the open +air.</p> + +<p>I was presently surrounded by persons of all ranks; for the people of +Scotland have yet to learn that unity of purpose which carries forward +my townsmen without a glance to the right hand or the left; and I know +not if ever the indisposition of a court beauty was enquired after in +such varied tones of sympathy as now reached my ear. In a few minutes +the fresh air had so completely restored me, that the only disagreeable +consequence of my indisposition was the notice which it had attracted. I +took refuge from the awkwardness of my situation in the only shop which +was then within sight; and soon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span> afterwards proceeded unmolested to my +lonely home.</p> + +<p>There I had full leisure to reconsider my morning's adventure. The time +had been when the bare suspicion of a wound would have made my +conscience recoil from the probe. The time had been when I would have +shaded my eye from the light which threatened to show the full form and +stature of my bosom foe; for then, a treacherous will took part against +me, and even my short conflicts were enfeebled by relentings towards the +enemy. But now the will, though feeble, was honest; and I could bear to +look my sin in the face, without fear, that lingering love should forbid +its extermination. A review of my feelings and behaviour towards Mrs St +Clare brought me to a full sense of the unsubdued and unchristian temper +which they betrayed. I saw that whilst I had imagined my 'mountain to +stand strong,' it was yet heaving with the wreckful fire. I felt, and +shuddered to feel, that I had yet part in the spirit of the arch-rebel; +and I wept in bitterness of heart, to see that my <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'reununciation'">renunciation</ins> of my +former self had spared so much to show that I was still the same.</p> + +<p>Yet had this sorrow no connection with the fear of punishment. I had +long since exchanged the horror of the culprit who trembles before his +judge, for the milder anguish which bewails offence against the father +and the friend; and when I considered that my offences would cease but +with my life,—that the polluted mansion must be rased ere the incurable +taint could be removed,—I breathed from the heart the language in which +the patriarch deprecates an earthly immortality; and even at nineteen, +when the youthful spirit was yet unbroken, and the warm blood yet +bounded cheerily, I rejoiced from the soul that I should 'not live +alway.' Nor had my sorrow any resemblance to despair. A sense of my +obstinate tendency to evil did but rouse me to resolutions of exertion; +for I knew that will and strength to continue the conflict were a pledge +of final victory.</p> + +<p>Considering that humility, like other habits, was best promoted by its +own acts, I that very hour forced my unwilling spirit to submission, by +despatching the following billet to Mrs St Clare:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>'Madam,—Strong, and I confess blamable, emotion prevented me this +morning from acknowledging your bounty, for which I am not +certainly the less indebted that I decline availing myself of it. I +feel excused for this refusal, by the knowledge that circumstances, +with which it is unnecessary to trouble you, preclude the +possibility of applying your charity to the purpose for which it +was offered.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span></p> + +<p class="blocksig"> +'I am, &c.<br /> +<span class="blocksig2">'Ellen Percy.'</span><br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>If others should be of opinion, as I now am, that the language of this +billet inclined more to the stately than the conciliating, let them look +back to the time when duty, compassion, and gratitude, could not extort +from me one word of concession to answer the parting kindness of my +mother's friend. And let them learn to judge of the characters of others +with a mercy which I do not ask them to bestow upon mine; let them +remember that, while men's worst actions are necessarily exposed to +their fellow-men, there are few who, like me, unfold their temptations, +or record their repentance. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXI" id="CHAPTER_XXI"></a>CHAPTER XXI</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>His years are young, but his experience old.<br /> +His head unmellowed,—but his judgment ripe.<br /> +And, in a word, (for far behind his worth,<br /> +Come all the praises that I now bestow,)<br /> +He is complete in feature and in mind,<br /> +With all good grace to grace a gentleman.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Shakspeare.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>I was now in a situation which might have alarmed the fears even of one +born to penury and inured to hardship. Every day diminished a pittance +which I had no means of replacing; and, in an isolation which debarred +me alike from sympathy and protection, I was suffering the penalty of +that perverse temper, which had preferred exile among strangers to an +imaginary degradation among 'my own people.'</p> + +<p>As it became absolutely necessary to discover some means of immediate +subsistence, I expended part of my slender finances in advertising my +wishes and qualifications; but not one enquiry did the advertisement +produce. Perhaps the Scottish mothers in those days insisted upon some +acquaintance with the woman to whom they committed the education of +their daughters, beyond what was necessary to ascertain her knowledge of +the various arts of squandering time. I <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'endeavourd'">endeavoured</ins> to ward off actual +want by such pastime work as had once ministered to my amusement, and +afterwards to my convenience; but I soon found that my labours were as +useless as they were light; for Edinburgh, at that time, contained no +market for the fruits of feminine ingenuity.</p> + +<p>In such emergency, it is not to be wondered if my spirits faltered.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span> My +improvident lightness of heart forsook me; and though I often resolved +to face the storm bravely, I resolved it with the tears in my eyes. I +asked myself a hundred times a day, what better dependence I could wish +than on goodness which would never withhold, and power which could never +be exhausted? And yet, a hundred times a day I looked forward as +anxiously as if my dependence had been upon the vapour tossed by the +wind. I felt that, though I had possessed the treasures of the earth, +the blessing of Heaven would have been necessary to me; and I knew that +it would be sufficient, although that earth should vanish from her +place. Yet I often examined my decaying means of support as mournfully +as if I had reversed the sentiment of the Roman; and 'to live,' had been +the only thing necessary.</p> + +<p>I was thus engaged one morning, when I heard the voice of Murray +enquiring for me. Longing to meet once more the glance of a friendly +eye, I was more than half tempted to retract my general order for his +exclusion. I had only a moment to weigh the question, yet the prudent +side prevailed; because, if the truth must be told, I chanced just then +to look into my glass; and was ill satisfied with the appearance of my +swoln eyes and colourless cheeks; so well did the motives of my +unpremeditated actions furnish a clue to the original defects of my +mind. However, though I dare not say that my decision was wise, I may at +least call it fortunate; since it probably saved me from one of those +frothy passions which idleness, such as I was condemned to, sometimes +engenders in the heads of those whose hearts are by nature placed in +unassailable security. This ordinary form of the passion was certainly +the only one in which it could then have affected me; for what woman, +educated as I had been, early initiated like me into heartless +dissipation, was ever capable of that deep, generous, self-devoting +sentiment which, in retirement, springs amid mutual charities and mutual +pursuits; links itself with every interest of this life; and twines +itself even with the hopes of immortality? My affections and my +imagination were yet to receive their culture in the native land of +strong attachment, ere I could be capable of such a sentiment.</p> + +<p>As I persevered in excluding Murray, the only being with whom I could +now exchange sympathies was my new Highland friend, Cecil Graham. I +often saw her; and when I had a little conquered my disgust at the filth +and disorder of her dwelling, I found my visits there as amusing as many +of more 'pomp and circumstance.' She was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span> to me an entirely new specimen +of human character; an odd mixture of good sense and superstition,—of +minute parsimony and liberal kindness,—of shrewd observation, and a +land of romantic abstraction from sensible objects. Every thing that was +said or done, suggested to her memory an adventure of some 'gallant +Graham,' or, to her fancy, the agency of some unseen being.</p> + +<p>I had heard Maitland praise the variety, grace, and vigour of the Gaelic +language. 'If we should ever meet again,' thought I, 'I should like to +surprise him pleasantly;' so, in mere dearth of other employment, I +obliged Cecil to instruct me in her mother-tongue. The undertaking was +no doubt a bold one, for I had no access to Gaelic books; nor if I had, +could Cecil have read one page of them, though she could laboriously +decipher a little English. But I cannot recollect that I was ever +deterred by difficulty. While Cecil was busy at her spinning, I made her +translate every name and phrase which occurred to me; tried to imitate +the uncouth sounds she uttered; and then wrote them down with vast +expense of consonants and labour. My progress would, however, have been +impossible, if Cecil's dialect had been as perplexing to me as that of +the Lowlanders of her own rank. But though her language was not exactly +English, it certainly was not Scotch. It was foreign rather than +provincial. It was often odd, but seldom unintelligible. 'I learnt by +book,' said she once when I complimented her on this subject; 'and I had +a good deal of English; though I have lost some of it now, speaking +among this uncultivate' people.'</p> + +<p>Cecil, who had no idea that labour could be its own reward, was very +desirous to unriddle my perseverance in the study of Gaelic. But she +never questioned me directly; for, with all her honesty, Cecil liked to +exert her ingenuity in discovering by-ways to her purpose. 'You'll be +thinking of going to the North Country?' said she one day, in the tone +of interrogation. I told her I had no such expectation. 'You'll may be +get a good husband to take you there yet; and that's what I am sure I +wish,' said Cecil; as if she thought she had invocated for me the sum of +all earthly good.</p> + +<p>'Thank you, Cecil; I am afraid I have no great chance.'</p> + +<p>'You don't know,' answered Cecil, in a voice of encouragement. 'Lady +Eredine hersel' was but a Southron, with your leave.'</p> + +<p>I laughed; for I had observed that Cecil always used this latter form of +apology when she had occasion to mention any thing mean or offensive. +'How came the laird,' said I, 'to marry one who was but a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span> Southron?'</p> + +<p>'Indeed, she was just his fortune, lady,' said Cecil, 'and he could not +go past her. And Mr Kenneth himsel' too is ordained, if he live, save +him, to one from your country.'</p> + +<p>'Have you the second-sight, Cecil, that you know so well what is +ordained for Mr Kenneth?'</p> + +<p>'No, no, lady,' said Cecil, shaking her head with great solemnity, 'if +you'll believe me, I never saw any thing <i>by</i> common. But we have a word +that goes in our country, that "a doe will come from the strangers' land +to couch in the best den in Glen Eredine." And the wisest man in +Killifoildich, and that's Donald MacIan, told me, that "the loveliest of +the Saxon flowers would root and spread next the hall hearth of Castle +Eredine."'</p> + +<p>'A very flattering prophecy indeed, Cecil; and if you can only make it +clear that it belongs to me, I must set out for Glen Eredine, and push +my fortune.'</p> + +<p>'That's not to laugh at, lady,' said Cecil very gravely; 'there's nobody +can tell where a blessing may light. You might even get our dear Mr +Henry himsel', if he knew but what a good lady you are.'</p> + +<p>Now this 'Mr Henry himsel' was Cecil's hero. She thought Mr Kenneth, +indeed, entitled to precedence as the elder brother and heir-apparent; +but her affections plainly inclined towards Henry. He was her constant +theme. Wherever her tales began, they always ended in the praises of +Henry Graham. She told me a hundred anecdotes to illustrate his contempt +of danger, his scorn of effeminacy, his condescension and liberality; +and twice as many which illustrated nothing but her enthusiasm upon the +subject. Her enthusiasm had, indeed, warmth and nature enough to be +contagious. Henry Graham soon ceased to be a mere stranger to me. I +listened to her tales till I knew how to picture his air and +gestures,—till I learned to anticipate his conduct like that of an old +acquaintance; and till Cecil herself was not more prepared than I, to +expect from him every thing noble, resolute, and kind.</p> + +<p>To her inexpressible sorrow, however, this idol of her fancy was only an +occasional visiter in Glen Eredine; for which misfortune she accounted +as follows:—</p> + +<p>'It will be twenty years at Michaelmas<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a>, since some of that Clan +Alpine, who, by your leave, were never what they should be, came <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span>and +lifted the cattle of Glen Eredine; and no less would serve them but they +took Lady Eredine's <i>oun</i> cow, that was called Lady Eredine after the +lady's <i>oun</i> sel'. Well! you may judge, lady, if Eredine was the man to +let them keep <i>that</i> with peace and pleasure. Good troth, the laird +swore that he would have them all back, hoof and horn, if there was a +stout heart in Glen Eredine. Mr Kenneth was in the town then at his +learning; more was the pity—but it was not his fault that he was not +there to fight for's <i>oun</i>. So the laird would ha' won the beasts home +himsel', and that would <i>he</i>. But Mr Henry was just set upon going; and +he begged so long and so sore, that the laird just let him take's will. +Donald MacIan minds it all; for he was standing next the laird's own +chair when he laid's hand upon Mr Henry's head, and says he, "Boy," says +he, "I am sure you'll never shame Glen Eredine and come back +empty-handed." And then his honour gave a bit nod with's head to Donald, +as much as bid him be near Mr Henry; and Donald told me his heart grew +great, and it was no gi'en him to say one word; but thinks he, "I shall +be <i>cutted</i> in inches before he miss me away from him."</p> + +<p>'So ye see, there were none went but Donald and three more; for Mr Henry +said that he would make no more dispeace than enough; so much +forethought had he, although he was but, I may say, a child; and Donald +told me that he followed these cattle by the lay of the heather, just as +if he had been thirty years of age; for the eagle has not an eye like +his; ay, and he travelled the whole day without so much as stopping to +break bread, although you may well think, lady, that, in those days, his +teeth were longer than's beard. And at night he rolled him in's plaid, +and laid him down with the rest, as many other good gentles have done +before, when we had no inns, nor coaches, nor such like niceties.</p> + +<p>'Well! in the morning he's astir before the roes; and, with grey light, +the first sight he sees coming down Bonoghrie is the Glen +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span>Eredine cattle, and Lady Eredine the foremost. And there was Neil Roy +Vich Roban, and Callum Dubh, and five or six others little worth, with +your leave; and Donald knew not how many more might be in the shealing. +Ill days were then; for the red soldier were come in long before that, +and they had taken away both dirk and gun; ay, and the very claymore +that Ronald Graham wagged in's hand o'er Colin Campbell's neck, was +taken and a'. So he that was born to as many good swords, and targes, +and dirks, as would have busked all Glen Eredine, had no a weapon to +lift but what grew on's <i>oun</i> hazels! But the Grahams, lady, will grip +to their foe when the death-stound's in their fingers. So Mr Henry he +stood foremost, as was well his due; and he bade Neil Roy to give up +these beasts with peace. Well! what think you, lady? the fellow, with +your leave, had the face to tell the laird's son that he had ta'en, and +he would keep. "If you can," quo' Mr Henry, "with your eight men against +five." Then Neil he swore that the like should never be said of him; and +he bade Mr Henry choose any five of his company to fight the Glen +Eredine men. "A bargain!" says Mr Henry, "so Neil I choose you; and +shame befa' the Graham that takes no the stoutest foe he finds." Och on! +lady, if you did but hear Donald tell of that fight. It would make your +very skin creep cold. Well, Mr Henry he held off himsel' so well that +Neil at the length flew up in a rage, and out with's dirk to stick her +in our sweet lamb's heart; but she was guided to light in's arm. Then +Donald he got sight of the blood, and he to Neil like a hawk on a +muir-hen, and gripped him with both's hands round the throat, and held +him there till the dirk fell out of's fingers; and all the time Callum +Dubh was threshing at Donald as had he been corn, but Donald never +heeded. Then Mr Henry was so good that he ordered to let Neil go, and +helped him up with's <i>oun</i> hand; but he flung the dirk as far as he +could look at her.</p> + +<p>'Well! by this time two of the Macgregors had their backs to the earth; +so the Glen Eredine men that had settled them, shouted and hurra'd, and +away to the cattle. And one cried Lady Eredine, and the other cried +Dubhbhoidheach<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a>; and the poor beasts knew their voices and came to +them. But Mr Henry caused save Janet Donelach's cows first, because she +was a widow, and had four young mouths to fill. Be's will, one way or +other, they took the cattle, as the laird had said, hoof and horn; and +the Aberfoyle men durst not lift a hand to hinder <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span>them, because Neil +had bound himsel' under promise, that none but five should meddle.'</p> + +<p>'But Cecil,' interrupted I, growing weary of this rude story, 'what has +all this to do with Henry Graham's exile from Glen Eredine?'</p> + +<p>'Yes, lady,' answered Cecil, 'it has to do; for it was the very thing +that parted him from's own. For, you see, the Southron sheriffs were set +up before that time; and the laird himsel' could not get's will of any +body, as he had a good right; for they must meddle, with your leave, in +every thing. The thistle's beard must na' flee by, but they must catch +and look into. So when the sheriff heard of the Glen Eredine spraith, he +sent out the red soldiers, and took Neil Roy, and Callum Dubh, and +prisoned them in Stirling Castle; and the word went that they were to be +hanged, with your leave, if witness could be had against them; and +Donald, and the rest of them that fought the Aberfoyle men, were bidden +come and swear again' them. Then the word gaed that the sheriff would +have Mr Henry too; but Lady Eredine being a Southron herself, with your +leave, was always wishing to send Mr Henry to the strangers, so now she +harped upon the laird till he just let her take her will.</p> + +<p>'So, rather than spill man's life, Mr Henry left both friend and +foster-brother, and them that could have kissed the ground he trode +upon. Och hone! Either I mind that day, or else I have been well told +of; for it comes like a dream to me, how my mother took me up in her +arms, and followed him down the glen. Young and old were there; and the +piper he went foremost, playing the lament. Not one spake above their +breath. My mother wouldno' make up to bid farewell; but when she had +gone till she was no' able for more, she stood and looked, and sent her +blessing with him; wishing him well back, and soon. But the babies that +were in arms that day ran miles to meet him the next time he saw Glen +Eredine.'</p> + +<p>'And what became of the two prisoners?' I enquired at the close of this +long story.</p> + +<p>''Deed, lady,' replied Cecil, 'they were just forced to let them out +again; for two of our lads hid themselves not to bear witness; and as +for Donald MacIan and Duncan Bane, they answered so wisely that nobody +could make mischief of what they said. So Neil, that very night he was +let out, he lifted four of the sheriffs cows, just for a warning to him; +and drave them to Glen Eredine, in a compliment to Mr Henry.'</p> + +<p>This tale, and twenty others of the same sort, while they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span> strengthened +my interest in Cecil's hero, awakened some curiosity to witness the +singular manners which they described. I was not aware how much the +innovations and oppressions of twenty years had defaced the bold +peculiarities of Highland character; how, stripped of their national +garb, deprived of the weapons which were at once their ornament, +amusement, and defence, this hardy race had bent beneath their fate, +seeking safety in evasion, and power in deceit. Nor did I at all suspect +how much my ignorance of their language disqualified me from observing +their remaining characteristics.</p> + +<p>But curiosity is seldom very troublesome to the poor; and the vulgar +fear of want was soon strong enough to divert my interest from all that +Cecil could tell me of the romantic barbarisms of her countrymen; or of +the bright eye, the manly port, the primitive hardihood, and the +considerate benevolence of Henry Graham.</p> + +<p>I was soon obliged to apply to her for information of a different kind. +My wretched fund was absolutely exhausted, and still no prospect opened +of employment in any form. Having no longer the means of procuring a +decent shelter, I seemed inevitably doomed to be destitute and homeless. +One resource, indeed, remained to me in the plain but decent wardrobe +which I had brought to Scotland. It is true, this could furnish only a +short-lived abundance, since principle, no less than convenience, had +prescribed to me frugality in my attire: but our ideas accommodate +themselves to our fortunes; and I, who once should have thought myself +beggared if reduced to spend 500<i>l.</i> a year, now rejoiced over a +provision for the wants of one week as over treasure inexhaustible.</p> + +<p>I found it easier, however, to resolve upon parting with my superfluous +apparel, than to execute my resolution. Ignorant of the means of +transacting this humbling business, I had not the courage to expose my +poverty, by asking instructions. I often argued this point with myself; +and proved, to my own entire conviction, that poverty was no disgrace, +since it had been the lot of patriots, endured by sages, and preferred +by saints. Nevertheless, it is not to be told with what contrivance I +obtained from Cecil the information necessary for my purpose, nor with +what cautious concealment I carried it into effect. Having once, +however, conquered the first difficulties, I went on without hesitation: +it was so much more easy to part with a superfluous trifle than to beg +the assistance, or sue for the patronage, of strangers.</p> + +<p>My last resource, however, proved even more transient than I had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span> +expected. I soon found it absolutely necessary to bend my spirit to my +fortunes, and to begin a personal search for employment. On a stern +wintry morning I set out for this purpose, with that feeling of dreary +independence which belongs to those who know that they can claim no +favour from any living soul. I applied at every music shop, and made +known my qualifications at every boarding-school I could discover. At +some I was called, with forward curiosity, to exhibit my talent; and the +disgust of my forced compliance was heightened by the coarse applause I +received. From some I was dismissed, with a permission to call again; at +others I was informed that every department of tuition was already +overstocked with teachers of preeminent skill.</p> + +<p>At last I thought myself most fortunate in obtaining the address of a +lady who wanted a governess for six daughters; but having examined me +from head to foot, she dismissed me, with a declaration that she saw I +would not do. Before I could shut the room-door, I heard the word +'beauty' uttered with most acrimonious emphasis. The eldest of the young +ladies squinted piteously, and the second was marked with the small-pox.</p> + +<p>All that I gained by a whole day wandering was the opportunity of +economising, by remaining abroad till the dinner hour was past. Heroines +of romance often show a marvellous contempt for the common necessaries +of life; from whence I am obliged to infer that their biographers never +knew the real evils of penury. For my part, I must confess that +remembrance of my better days, and prospects of the dreary future, were +not the only feelings which drew tears down my cheek, as I cowered over +the embers of a fire almost as low as my fortunes, and almost as cold as +my hopes. We generally make the most accurate estimate of ourselves when +we are stripped of all the externals which serve to magnify us in our +own eyes. I had often confessed that all my comforts were +undeserved,—that I escaped every evil only by the mitigation of a +righteous sentence; but I had never so truly felt the justice of this +confession as now, when nothing was left me which could, by any latitude +of language, be called my own. Yet, though depressed, I was not +comfortless; for I knew that my deserts were not the measure of my +blessings; and when I remembered that my severest calamities had led to +substantial benefit,—that even my presumption and self-will had often +been over-ruled to my advantage,—I felt at once a disposition to +distrust my own judgment of present appearances, and an irresistible<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span> +conviction that, however bereaved, I should not be forsaken. I fear it +is not peculiar to me to reserve a real trust in Providence for the time +which offers nothing else to trust. However, I mingled tears with +prayers, and doubtful anticipation with acts of confidence, till, my +mind as weary as my frame, I found refuge from all my cares in a sleep +more peaceful than had often visited my pillow when every luxury that +whim could crave waited my awaking.</p> + +<p>I was scarcely dressed, next morning, when my landlady bustled into my +apartment with an air of great importance. She seated herself with the +freedom which she thought my situation entitled her to use; and abruptly +enquired, whether I was not seeking employment as a governess? A sense +of the helplessness and desolation which I had brought upon myself had +so well subdued my spirit, that I answered this unceremonious question +only by a meek affirmative. Mrs Milne then, with all the exultation of a +patroness, declared that she would recommend me to an excellent +situation; and proceeded to harangue concerning her 'willingness to +befriend people, because there was no saying how soon she herself might +need a friend.'</p> + +<p>I submitted, resignedly enough, to the ostentation of vulgar patronage, +while Mrs Milne unfolded her plan. Her sister, she told me, was +waiting-maid to a lady who wanted a governess for her only child,—a +girl about ten years old. She added, that believing me to have come into +Scotland with a view to employment of that kind, she had mentioned me to +this sister; who, she hinted, had no small influence with her mistress. +Finally, she advised me to lose no time in offering my services; +because, as Mrs Boswell's plan of education was now full four-and-twenty +hours old, nobody who knew her could expect its continuance, unless +circumstances proved peculiarly favourable to its <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'stablity'">stability</ins>.</p> + +<p>Though I could not help smiling at my new channel of introduction, I was +in no situation to despise any prospect of employment; and I immediately +proceeded to enquire into the particulars of the offered situation, and +into my chance of obtaining it. I was informed that Mr Boswell, having, +in the course of a long residence in one of the African settlements, +realised a competent fortune, had returned home to spend it among his +relations; that he was a good-natured, easy man, who kept a handsome +establishment, loved quiet, a good dinner, and a large allowance of +claret; that in the first of these luxuries he was rather sparingly +indulged by his lady, who, nevertheless, was a very endurable sort of +person to those who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span> could suit themselves to her way. These, however, +were so few, that but for one or two persons made obsequious by +necessity, the Boswells would have eaten their ragouts and drunk their +claret alone.</p> + +<p>All this was not very encouraging; but it was not for me to startle at +trifles; and I only expressed my fears that the recommendation of the +waiting-maid might not be thought quite sufficient to procure for me +such a trust as the education of an only child. 'Oh! for that matter,' +said my landlady, 'if you put yourself in luck's way, you have as good a +chance as another; for Mrs Boswell will never fash to look after only +but them that looks after her.'</p> + +<p>Agreeably to this opinion, I had no sooner swallowed my spare breakfast +than I walked to George Square, to present myself to Mrs Boswell. I was +informed at her door that she was in bed; but that if I returned about +one o'clock, I should probably find her stirring. At the hour appointed, +I returned accordingly; and, after some demur and consultation between +the footman and the housemaid, I was shown into a handsome breakfast +parlour, where, upon a fashionable couch, half sat, half lay, Mrs +Boswell.</p> + +<p>Her thin sharp face, high nose, and dark eyes, gave her at the first +glance, an air of intelligence; but when I looked again, her curveless +mouth, her wandering eyebrows, and low contracted forehead, obliged me +to form a different judgment. The last impression was probably +heightened by the employment in which I found her engaged. From a large +box of trinkets which stood before her, she was bedizening herself and a +pretty little fair-haired girl with every possible variety of bauble. +Each was decked with at least half a dozen necklaces, studded all over +with <i>mal-à-propos</i> clasps and broaches, and shackled with a multitude +of rings and bracelets; so that they looked like two princesses of the +South Sea Islands. All this was surveyed with such gravity and +self-importance, as showed that the elder baby had her full share in the +amusement.</p> + +<p>Mrs Boswell did not rise to receive me; but she stirred, which was a +great deal for Mrs Boswell. I made my obeisance with no very good will; +and told her, that hearing she wanted a governess for Miss Boswell, I +had taken the liberty to wait upon her.</p> + +<p>Mrs Boswell only answered me by something which she intended for a +smile. Most smiles express either benevolence or gaiety; but Mrs +Boswell's did neither. It was a mere extension of the mouth; she never +used any other. 'My pretty love,' said she, addressing herself to the +child, 'will you go and tell Campbell to find my—a—my musk-box;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span> and +you can help her to seek it, you know.'</p> + +<p>'No, I won't!' bawled the child; 'for I know you only want to send me +away that you may talk to the lady about that nasty governess.'</p> + +<p>'I an't going to talk about any nasty governess. Do go now, there's a +dear; and I'll take you out in the carriage, and buy you another new +doll,—a large one with blue eyes.'</p> + +<p>'No you won't,' retorted miss; 'for you promised me the doll if I would +learn to write <i>O</i>, and you did not give it me then; no more will you +now.'</p> + +<p>'A pretty ground-work for my labours!' thought I.</p> + +<p>The altercation was carried on long and briskly, mingled with occasional +appeals to me. 'Miss Percy, did you ever see such a child?'</p> + +<p>'Oh yes, madam,—a great many such.'</p> + +<p>'She has, to be sure, such an unmanageable temper! But then' (in a half +whisper), 'the wonderfullest clever little creature! Now, do, Jessie, go +out of the room when you are bid.'</p> + +<p>At last, command and stratagem being found equally unavailing, Mrs +Boswell was obliged to take the course which many people would have +preferred from the first; and proceeded to her business in spite of the +presence of Miss Jessie.</p> + +<p>'Can you teach the <i>piano</i>?'</p> + +<p>'I believe I understand music tolerably well; and though I am a very +inexperienced teacher, I would endeavour to show no want of patience or +assiduity.'</p> + +<p>'And singing?' said Mrs Boswell, yawning.</p> + +<p>'I have been taught to sing.'</p> + +<p>'And French, and geography, and all the rest of it?'</p> + +<p>I was spared the difficulty of answering this comprehensive question by +my pupil elect, who by this time had sidled close up to me, and was +looking intently in my face. 'You an't the governess your own self? Are +you?' said she.</p> + +<p>'I hope I shall be so, my dear.'</p> + +<p>'I thought you had been an ugly cross old thing! You an't cross. Are +you?'</p> + +<p>'No. I do not think I am.'</p> + +<p>'I dare say you are very funny and good-natured.'</p> + +<p>Mrs Boswell gave me a glance which she intended should express sly +satisfaction. 'You would like to <i>larn</i> music and every thing of that +pretty lady, wouldn't you?' said she to her daughter.</p> + +<p>'No. I would never like to <i>larn</i> nothing at all; but I should like her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span> +to stay with me, if she would play with me, and never bother me with +that nasty spelling-book.'</p> + +<p>'Well, she shan't bother you. Miss Percy, what terms do you expect?'</p> + +<p>'These I leave entirely to you and Mr Boswell, madam. Respectable +protection is the more important consideration with me.'</p> + +<p>'To be sure protection is very important,' said Mrs Boswell, once more +elongating her mouth; and she made a pause of at least five minutes, to +recruit after such an unusual expense of idea. This time I employed in +making my court so effectually to the young lady, that when her mother +at last mentioned the time of my removal to George Square, she became +clamorous for my returning that evening. A new set of stratagems was +vainly tried to quiet my obstreperous inviter; and then mamma, as usual, +gave up the point. 'Pray come to-night, if you can,' said she, 'or there +will be no peace.'</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXII" id="CHAPTER_XXII"></a>CHAPTER XXII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Dependence! heavy, heavy, are thy chains,<br /> +And happier they who from the dangerous sea,<br /> +Or the dark mine, procure with ceaseless pains,<br /> +A hard-earned pittance—than who trust to thee.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Charlotte Smith.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>By some untoward fate, the government of husbands generally falls into +the hands of those who are not likely to bring the art into repute. +Women of principle refuse the forbidden office; women of sense steadily +shut their eyes against its necessity in their own case; warm affection +delights more in submission than in sway; and against the influence of +genius an ample guard is provided in the jealousy of man. Mrs Boswell +being happily exempt from any of these disqualifications, did her best +to govern her husband. There was nothing extraordinary in the attempt, +but I was long perplexed to account for its success, for Mr Boswell was +not a fool. The only theory I could ever form on the subject was, that +being banished during his exile in the colony from all civilised +society, having little employment, and none of the endless resource +supplied by literary habits, Mr Boswell had found himself dependent for +comfort and amusement upon his wife. She, on her part, possessed one +qualification for improving this circumstance to the advancement of her +authority; she was capable of a perseverance in sullenness, which no +entreaties could move, and no submissions could mollify. She had, +besides, some share of beauty; and though this was of course a very +transient engine of conjugal sway, she gained perhaps as much from the +power of habit over an indolent mind, as she lost by the invariable law +of wedlock. Finally, where authority failed, Mrs Boswell could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span> have +recourse to cunning. A screw will often work where more direct force is +useless; and whatever understanding Mrs Boswell possessed was of the +tortuous kind. All her talents for rule, however, were exerted upon Mr +Boswell. Her child, her servants, any body who would take the trouble, +performed the same office for herself. Except when she was capriciously +seized with a fit of what she thought firmness, clamour or flattery were +all-prevailing with her.</p> + +<p>The very first evening which I spent in her house, furnished me with a +specimen of her habits. 'Will you begin French with Jessie to-morrow?' +said she to me, with one of her most complaisant simpers.</p> + +<p>'I should think, my darling,' said Mr Boswell, not much in the tone of a +master, 'that, if you please, it may be as well to exercise her a little +more in English first.'</p> + +<p>'She can learn that at any time,' said Mrs Boswell, dismissing her +smiles.</p> + +<p>'Don't you think she had better begin with what is most necessary?' said +the husband.</p> + +<p>'We can't be losing Miss Percy's time with English,' returned the wife, +without deigning to turn her eyes or her head.</p> + +<p>Mr Boswell paused to recruit his courage; and then said meekly, 'I dare +say Miss Percy will not consider her time as lost in teaching any thing +you may think for the child's advantage.'</p> + +<p>'Certainly not,' answered I; for Mr Boswell spoke with a look of appeal +to me.</p> + +<p>Mrs Boswell sat silent for five minutes, settling all the rings upon all +her fingers. 'Any body can hear the child read,' said she, at last, +without altering her tone or a muscle of her face.</p> + +<p>'But Miss Percy's language and pronunciation are such admirable models, +that——' Mr Boswell stopped short, arrested by symptoms which I had not +yet learned to discern. The lady uttered not another syllable, nor did +she once raise her eyes till we were about to retire for the night.</p> + +<p>'Shall I then give Miss Jessie a lesson in English grammar to-morrow +morning?' said I, addressing myself to Mr Boswell; merely from a feeling +that the father had a right to direct the education of his child.</p> + +<p>'As—as you think best—as you please,' answered Mr Boswell +hesitatingly; and casting towards his spouse a glance of timid enquiry, +which she did not answer even by a look.</p> + +<p>I attended her to her bedchamber, where to my great surprise she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span> drew +me in and hastily locked the door; leaving Mr Boswell, who was following +close behind, to amuse himself in the lobby. She then seated herself; +and, with all the coolness in the world, began talking to me of negroes, +gold dust, and ivory. Presently Mr Boswell came, and gently requested +admission. Of this request the lady took no notice whatever. Some time +afterwards the summons was repeated, but still without effect. 'I am +afraid I exclude Mr Boswell,' said I, rising and wishing her good night. +'Oh never mind,' said the lady, nodding her head, and endeavouring to +look arch. Again I offered to go, but she would not allow me to move; +and as she had put the key of the room-door into her pocket, I had no +means of retreat. At last Mr Boswell, hopeless of effecting a lodgment +in his own apartment, retired to another; and as soon as the lady had, +by listening, ascertained this fact, she opened the door and permitted +me to depart.</p> + +<p>For four days Mrs Boswell never honoured her lord with the slightest +mark of her notice. When he addressed her, whether in the tone of remark +or of conciliation, she gave no sign of hearing. She would not even +condescend to account for her behaviour by seeming out of humour; for to +me she was all smiles and courtesy; and towards poor Mr Boswell she +merely assumed an air of unconquerable <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'nonchâlance'">nonchalance</ins>. It was in vain that +he acceded to his lady's plan for her daughter's studies. The obdurate +fair was not so to be mollified. At length, on the fifth morning, she +deigned to acknowledge his presence by a short and sullen answer to some +trifle which he uttered. His restoration to favour, however, went on +with rapid progression; and before evening the pair were upon the most +gracious footing imaginable. Being now admitted behind the scenes, I was +perfectly aware of the reason of this change. Mrs Boswell wanted money.</p> + +<p>Indeed I was early made a sort of confidante; that is to say, Mrs +Boswell told me all her likings and dislikes, all her husband's faults, +and all her grounds of quarrel with his relations and her own. She +unfolded to me, besides, many ingenious devices for managing Miss +Jessie, for detecting the servants, and for cajoling Mr Boswell. I must +own I never could discover the necessity for these artifices; but there +is pleasure in every effort of understanding, and I verily believe these +tricks afforded the only exercise of which Mrs Boswell's was capable.</p> + +<p>It is not to be told with what disgust I contemplated this poor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span> woman's +character. Her uniform selfishness, her pitiful cunning, her feeble +stratagems to compass baby ends, filled me with unconquerable contempt; +a contempt which, indeed, I scarcely strove to repress. I imagined it to +be the natural stirring of an honourable indignation. I often repeated +to myself, that 'I would willingly serve the poor creature if I could.' +I always behaved to her with such a show of deference as our mutual +relation demanded, and thus concealed from myself 'what spirit I was +of.' To forgive substantial injury is sometimes less a test of right +temper than to turn an eye of Christian compassion upon the dwarfish +distortion of a mind crippled in all its nobler parts.</p> + +<p>But of all Mrs Boswell's perversions, the most provoking was her +mischievous interference with my pupil. Either from jealousy of my +influence, or from the mere habit of circumvention, a sort of intriguing +was carried on, which the folly of the mother and the simplicity of the +child constantly forced upon my notice. Some indulgence was bestowed, +which was to be kept profoundly secret from the governess; or some +neglected task was to be slily performed by proxy. If the child was +depressed by a sense of my disapprobation, she was to be comforted with +gingerbread and sugar-plums; and then exhorted to wash her mouth, that +Miss Percy might not discover this judicious supply of consolation.</p> + +<p>I believe it is a mistake to suppose that we are not liable to be angry +with those whom we despise. I know I was often so much irritated by the +petty arts of Mrs Boswell, that necessity alone detained me under her +roof. I was the more harassed by her folly; because, duty apart, I had +become extremely interested in the improvement of my young charge. The +<i><ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'elève'">élève</ins></i> of such a mother was, of course, idle, sly, and self-willed; but +Jessie was a pretty, playful creature, with capacity enough to show that +talents are not hereditary, and such a strength of natural kindliness as +had outlived circumstances the most unfavourable to its culture. This +latter quality is always irresistible; and it was more particularly so +to an outcast like myself, who had no living thing to love or trust.</p> + +<p>But for this child, indeed, Mr Boswell's house would have been to me a +perfect solitude. Mrs Boswell was utterly incapable of any thing that +deserved the name of conversation. Six pages a week of a novel, or of +the Lady's Magazine, were the utmost extent of her reading. She did +nothing; therefore we could have no fellowship of employment. She +thought nothing; therefore we could have no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span> intercourse of mind. All +her subjects of interest were strictly selfish; therefore we could not +exchange sympathies. Either her extreme indolence, or a latent +consciousness of inferiority, made her averse to the society of her +equals in rank. Her ignorance or disregard of all established courtesies +had banished from her table every guest, except one old maiden relative, +whose circumstances obliged, and whose meanness inclined, her to grasp +at the stinted civilities of Mrs Boswell. To extort even the slightest +attention from Mr Boswell was, as I soon found, an unpardonable offence. +Thus, though once more nominally connected with my fellow-creatures, I +was, in fact, as lonely as when I first set foot upon a land where every +face was new, and every accent was strange to me.</p> + +<p>In the many thoughtful hours I spent, what lessons did not my proud +spirit receive! All the comforts which I drew from human converse, or +human affection, I owed to a child. For my subsistence I depended upon +one of the most despicable of human beings. But my self-knowledge, +however imperfect, was now sufficient to render me satisfied with any +circumstances which tended to repress my prevailing sin; a temper from +which I even then endeavoured to forebode final, though, alas! +far-distant, victory.</p> + +<p>Almost the only worldly interest or pleasure which remained for me to +forego, I found myself obliged to sacrifice to my new situation. I could +not introduce my pupil to the lowly habitation of my Highland friend; +and I was too completely shackled to go abroad alone. Thus ended my +expectations of reading Ossian in the original; and, what was perhaps a +greater disappointment, thus perished my hopes of surprising Mr +Maitland—if Maitland and I were ever again to meet. That we should meet +I believe I entertained an undefined conviction; for I often caught +myself referring to his opinions, and anticipating his decision. +Unfortunately this belief had no rational foundation. It was merely the +work of fancy, which, wandering over a world that to me had been +desolated, could find no other resting-place.</p> + +<p>Though I had no longer leisure to pursue my Gaelic studies, I could not +entirely relinquish my interest in Cecil Graham; and I seized an hour to +visit and bid her farewell, one morning while Mrs Boswell and my pupil +were gone to purchase toys.</p> + +<p>When I entered Cecil's apartment, she was kneading oat cakes upon the +only chair which it contained, the litter upon her table not leaving +space for such an operation; but on seeing me, she threw aside the +dough; and pulling down a ragged stocking from a rope that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span> stretched +across the room, she wiped the chair, and very cordially invited me to +sit down. 'Don't let me interrupt you, Cecil,' said I.</p> + +<p>'Oh it's no interruption, lady,' returned Cecil. 'I'm sure ye have a +lucky foot; and I was feared that I was no' to see you again, 'at I +was.'</p> + +<p>'Why did not you come and visit me then Cecil?'</p> + +<p>''Deed lady, I was at your lodging one day; and they told me you were +away, and where you were gone to; and I went two or three times and sat +with the childer' upon the step of the door to see if you would, may be, +come out; but I never had luck to see you.'</p> + +<p>'Why did you not enquire for me?'</p> + +<p>'I'se warrant, lady,' said Cecil, with a smile of proud humility, 'they +might have thought a wonder to see the like of me enquiring for you. But +much thought have I had about you. They say "cold is the breath of +strangers<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a>;" but troth, if you like to believe me, my heart warmed to +you whenever I saw you first.'</p> + +<p>'Truly, Cecil, I like very much to believe you; for there are not many +hearts that warm to me.'</p> + +<p>'I'se tell you, lady, the last time I saw you, ye were no like yoursel'; +ye were a white's canna<a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a>; and I just thought that, may be, an ill ee, +with your leave, had taken you.'</p> + +<p>'Does an evil eye injure the complexion of any body except the owner, +think you, Cecil?' said I.</p> + +<p>'An eye will split a stone<a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a>, as they'll say in Glen Eredine,' said +Cecil, shaking her head very gravely. 'But I have something, if you +would please to accept; she hit mysel' just on the coat, with your +leave, one night going through under the face of Benarde.' While she +spoke she was searching about her bed, and at length produced a small +stone shaped somewhat like a gun flint.<a name="FNanchor_8_8" id="FNanchor_8_8"></a><a href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a> 'Now,' proceeded she, 'ye'll +just sew that within the lining of your stays, lady; or, with your +leave, in the band of your petticoat; and there'll nobody <i>can</i> harm +you.'</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span></p><p>'Thank you, Cecil. But if I rob you of this treasure, who knows how far +your own good fortune may suffer?'</p> + +<p>'Oh laogh mo chridhe<a name="FNanchor_9_9" id="FNanchor_9_9"></a><a href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a>,' cried Cecil affectionately, 'it's good my part +to venture any thing for your sake; and if it just please Providence to +keep us till we be at Glen Eredine, I'll, may be, get another.'</p> + +<p>I could not help smiling at Cecil's humble substitute for the care of +Providence, and inwardly moralising upon the equal inefficacy of others +which are in more common repute. But as a casual attempt to correct her +superstition would have been more likely to shake her confidence in +myself than in the elfin arrow, I quietly accepted of her gift; +enquiring when she would be in a situation to replace it.</p> + +<p>'I don't know, lady,' answered Cecil with a sigh. 'The weather's clear +and bonny, and I am wearying sore for home; but—but I'm half feared +that Jemmy might no be easy, ye see, when he heard that I was at +Eredine.'</p> + +<p>'How should it make your husband uneasy to hear that you were at home?'</p> + +<p>'I don't know,' said Cecil, looking down with a faint smile, and +stopped; then sighing deeply, she proceeded, relieving her embarrassment +by twisting the string of her apron with great industry. 'Ye see, lady, +I have a friend in Glen Eredine,—I—I—'</p> + +<p>'So much the better, Cecil. That cannot surely be an objection to your +going thither.'</p> + +<p>'I mean,—I would say, a lad like that—I should have married, if it had +been so ordered.' Cecil stopped, and sighed again.</p> + +<p>'And do you think your husband would scruple to trust you, Cecil?' said +I.</p> + +<p>Her embarrassment instantly vanished, and she looked up steadily <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span>in my +face. 'No, no, lady!' said she, 'I'll never think such a thought of him. +He's no' so ill-hearted. But he would think that I might be dowie<a name="FNanchor_10_10" id="FNanchor_10_10"></a><a href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a> +there, and he so far away; for it's a sore heart to me, that the poor +lad has never been rightly himsel', since my father bade marry Jemmy. +And he'll no be forbidden to stand and look after me, and to make of +little Kenneth there, and fetch hame our cows at night. And ever since +my father died, he'll no be hindered to shear<a name="FNanchor_11_11" id="FNanchor_11_11"></a><a href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a> my mother's peats, +although I have never spoken one word to him, good or bad, since that +day that——'</p> + +<p>Cecil paused, and drew her sleeve across her eyes. 'It was so ordered,' +said she, 'and all's for the best.'</p> + +<p>'Yes, but, Cecil, were not you a little hard-hearted, to forsake such a +faithful lover?'</p> + +<p>'Ochone! lady, what could I do? It was well kent he was no fitting for +me. His forbeers were but strangers, with your leave; and though I say +it, I'm sib<a name="FNanchor_12_12" id="FNanchor_12_12"></a><a href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a> to the best gentles in the land. So you see my father +would never be brought in.'</p> + +<p>'And you dutifully submitted to your father!' said I, my heart swelling +as I contrasted the filial conduct of this untutored being with my own.</p> + +<p>'Woe's me, lady,—I was his own;—he had a good right that I should do +his bidding. And besides that, I knew that Robert was no ordained for +me;—well knew I that,—that I knew well.' And while I was musing upon +my ill-fated rebellion, Cecil kept ringing changes upon these words; for +she would rather have repeated the same idea twenty times, then have +allowed of a long pause in conversation, where she was the entertainer.</p> + +<p>'How did you discover,' I enquired at length, 'that there was a decree +against your marrying Robert?'</p> + +<p>'I'se tell you, lady,' answered Cecil, lowering her voice; 'we have a +seer<a name="FNanchor_13_13" id="FNanchor_13_13"></a><a href="#Footnote_13_13" class="fnanchor">[13]</a> in Glen Eredine; and he was greatly troubled with me plainly +standing at Jemmy's left hand. And first he saw it in the morning, and +always farther up in the day, as the time came near. So he had no +freedom in his mind but to tell me. Well, when I heard it, I fell down +just as I had been shot; for I knew then what would be. But we must all +have our fortune, lady. No' that I'm reflecting; for Jemmy's a good <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span>man +to me; and an easy life I have had with him.'</p> + +<p>'That is no more than you deserve, Cecil. A dutiful daughter deserves to +be a happy wife.'</p> + +<p>'Well, now, that's the very word that Miss Graham said, when she was +that humble as to busk my first curch<a name="FNanchor_14_14" id="FNanchor_14_14"></a><a href="#Footnote_14_14" class="fnanchor">[14]</a> with her <i>oun</i> hand; ay that's +what she did; and when she saw me sobbing as my heart would break; +hersel' laid her <i>oun</i> arm about my neck; and says she, just as had I +been her equal, "My dear Cecil," says she. The Lord bless her! I thought +more of these two words, than of all the good plenishing<a name="FNanchor_15_15" id="FNanchor_15_15"></a><a href="#Footnote_15_15" class="fnanchor">[15]</a> she gave +me. But for a' that, I had a sorrowful time of it at the first; and a +sorrowfuller wedding was never in Glen Eredine, altho' Mr Henry was the +best man himsel'; for you see, Jemmy's his foster-brother.'</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span></p><p>'The best man? Cecil; I do not understand you. I should have thought +the bridegroom might be the most important personage for that day at +least.'</p> + +<p>Cecil soon made me comprehend, that she meant a brideman; whose office, +she said, was to accompany the bridegroom when he went to invite guests +to his wedding, and to attend him when he conducted his bride to her +home. She told me, that, according to the custom of her country, her +wedding was not celebrated till some weeks after she had taken the vows +of wedlock; the Highland husband, once secure of his prize, prudently +postponing the nuptial festivities and the honey-moon, till the close of +harvest brought an interval of leisure. Meanwhile, the forsaken lover, +whose attachment had become respectable by its constancy, as well as +pitiable by its disappointment, was removed from the scene of his +rival's success by the humanity of Henry Graham, who contrived to employ +him in a distant part of the country. But, in the restlessness of a +disordered understanding, poor Robert left his post; wandered +unconsciously many a mile; and reached his native glen on the day of +Cecil's wedding.</p> + +<p>By means of much rhetoric and gesticulation upon Cecil's part, and +innumerable questions upon mine, I obtained a tolerably distinct idea of +the ceremonial of this wedding. Upon the eventful morning, the reluctant +bride presided at a public breakfast, which was attended by all her +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'acquaitnance'">acquaintance</ins>, and honoured by the presence of 'the laird himsel'.' I +will not bring discredit upon the refinement of my Gael, by specifying +the materials of this substantial repast, as they were detailed to me +with <i>naïve</i> vanity by Cecil; but I may venture to tell, that, like more +elegant <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'fetes'">fêtes</ins> of the same name, it was succeeded by dancing. 'I danced +with the rest,' said Cecil, 'tho', with your leave, it made my very +heart sick; and many a time I <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'though'">thought</ins>, oh, if this dancing were but for +my lykwake.'<a name="FNanchor_16_16" id="FNanchor_16_16"></a><a href="#Footnote_16_16" class="fnanchor">[16]</a> The harbingers of the bridegroom, (or, to use Cecil's +phrase, the <i>send</i>,) a party of gay young men and women, arrived. Cecil, +according to etiquette, met them at the door, welcomed, and offered them +refreshments; then turned <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span>from them, as the prisoner from one who +brings his death-warrant, struggling to gather decent fortitude from +despair.</p> + +<p>At last the report of a musket announced the approach of the bridegroom; +and it was indispensable that the unwilling bride should go forth to +meet him. 'The wind might have blawn me like the withered leaf,' said +Cecil, 'I was so powerless; but Miss Graham thought nothing to help me +with her <i>oun</i> arm. Jemmy and I <i>may</i> be lucky,' continued she, with a +boding sigh; 'but I am sure it was an unchancy place where we had luck +to meet;—just where the road goes low down into Dorch'thalla<a name="FNanchor_17_17" id="FNanchor_17_17"></a><a href="#Footnote_17_17" class="fnanchor">[17]</a>; the +very place where Kenneth Roy, that was the laird's grandfather, saw +something that he followed for's ill; and it beguiled him over the rock, +where he would have been dashed in pieces though he had been iron. The +sun never shines where he fell, and the water's aye black there. Well, +it was just there that Jemmy had luck to get sight of us; so then, ye +see, he ran forward to meet me, as the custom is in our country. Oh, +I'll never forget that meeting!' Cecil stopped, shuddering with a look +of horror, which I dared not ask her to explain. 'He took off his +bonnet,' she continued, 'to take, with your leave, what he never took +off my mouth before; but,—oh, I'll never forget that cry! It was like +something unearthly. "Cecil! Cecil!" it cried; and when I looked up, +there's Robert, just where the eagle's nest was wont to be; he was just +setting back's foot, as he would that moment spring down.'</p> + +<p>'Did you save him?'</p> + +<p>'I, lady! I could not have saved him though he had lighted at my foot. I +could do nothing but hide my eyes; and my hands closed so hard, that the +nails drew the very blood!'</p> + +<p>'Dreadful!' I exclaimed, Cecil's infectious horror making the scene +present to me,—'could nobody save him?'</p> + +<p>'Nobody had power to do ought,' answered Cecil, 'save Mr Henry, that's +always ready for good. He spoke with a voice that made the craigs shake +again; and they that saw his eyes, saw the very fire, as he looked +steadily upon Robert, and waved him back with's arm. So then the poor +lad was not so <i>un</i>sensible, but he knew to do <i>his</i> bidding, for +they're no born that dare gainsay <i>him</i>. And then Mr Henry rounded by +the foot of the craig, and up the hill as he'd been a roe; and he caused +Robert go home with him to the Castle, and caused keep him there, +because he could no settle to work. No' <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span>that he's <i>un</i>sensible, except +when a notion takes him. There's a glen where we were used to make +carkets<a name="FNanchor_18_18" id="FNanchor_18_18"></a><a href="#Footnote_18_18" class="fnanchor">[18]</a> when we were herds; and he'll no let the childer' pluck so +much as a gowan there; and ever since the lightning tore the great oak, +he'll sit beside her sometimes the summer's day, and calls her always +"Poor Robert."'</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIII" id="CHAPTER_XXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXIII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Not quite an idiot; for her busy brain<br /> +Sought, by poor cunning, trifling points to gain;<br /> +Success in childish projects her delight.</i><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><i>——So weak a mind,</i></span><br /> +<i>No art could lead, and no compulsion bind.<br /> +The rudest force would fail such mind to tame,<br /> +And she was callous to rebuke and shame.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Crabbe.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>Cecil's tale, which included all the evening festivities,—the +ball,—the throwing of the stocking, and the libation of whisky, which +was dashed over the married pair, detained me so long, that Mrs Boswell +and my pupil were at home an hour before me. Mrs Boswell, however, +received me with her usual simper; and suffered the evening to arrive +before she began to investigate, with great contrivance and +circumlocution, the cause of my unusual absence. Though provoked at her +useless cunning, I readily told her where I had been. But, though the +lady had taken me into high favour, and made me the depository of fifty +needless secrets, I saw that she did not believe a word of my statement; +for Mrs Boswell was one of the many whose defects of the head create a +craving for a confidant, while those of the heart will never allow them +to confide. Perceiving that my word was doubted, I disdained further +explanation; and suffered Mrs Boswell to hint and soliloquise without +deigning reply.</p> + +<p>The little dingy cloud, which scarcely added to their accustomed +dulness, was beginning to settle on the features of my hostess, when +another attack was made upon her good humour. My pupil, in a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span> romping +humour which I could not always restrain, pulled out the comb that +confined my hair; which unfortunately extorted from Mr Boswell a +compliment on its luxuriance and beauty. Now Mrs Boswell's <i>chevelure</i> +happened to have an unlucky resemblance to that of a dancing-bear; a +circumstance which I verily believe her poor husband had forgotten, when +he incautiously expressed admiration of auburn curls. The lady's face +was for once intelligible; her lips grew actually livid; and for some +moments she seemed speechless. At last she <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'sbroke'">broke</ins> forth. 'Her hair may +well be pretty,' said she; 'I am sure it costs her pains enough.'</p> + +<p>With a smile, more I fear of sarcasm than of good-humour, I thanked her +for helping me to some merit, where I was ignorant that I could claim +any. Mrs Boswell, either fearing to measure her powers of impertinence +with mine, or finding sullenness the most natural expression of her +displeasure, made no reply; but sat for a full hour twisting the corner +of her pocket-handkerchief, without raising her eyes, or uttering a +syllable. At last, she suddenly recovered her spirits; and for the rest +of the evening was remarkably gracious and entertaining.</p> + +<p>I was not yet sufficiently acquainted with Mrs Boswell to perceive any +thing ominous in this change. The next day, however, while I was alone +with my pupil, the child began to frolic round me with a pair of +scissors in her hand; making a feint, as if in sport, to cut off my +hair. A little afraid of such a play-thing, I desired her to desist; +speaking to her, as I always did, in a tone of kindness. 'Would you be +very sorry,' said she, clasping her arms round my neck, and speaking in +a half whisper, 'very, very sorry if all your pretty curls were cut +off?'</p> + +<p>'Indeed, Jessie,' answered I smiling, 'I am afraid I should; more sorry +than the matter would deserve.'</p> + +<p>'Then,' cried the child, throwing away the scissors, 'I won't never cut +off your hair; not though I should be bid a thousand thousand times.'</p> + +<p>'Bid!' repeated I, thrown off my guard by astonishment; 'who could bid +you do such a thing?'</p> + +<p>'Ah! I must not tell you that, unless you were to promise upon your +word——'</p> + +<p>'No,' interrupted I. 'Do not tell me. Be honourable in this at least. +And another time, if you wish to injure me, do so openly. I will endure +all the little evil in your power to inflict, rather than you should +grow up in the habits of cunning.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[271]</a></span></p> + +<p>That a mother should thus lay a snare for the rectitude of her child, +must have appeared incredible, could the fact have admitted of a doubt. +I had still too many faults myself to look with calmness upon those of +others; and I was seriously angry. 'How is it possible,' thought I, 'to +form in this child the habits of rectitude, while I am thus provokingly +counteracted; and useless as I am compelled to be, how can I endure to +receive the bread of dependence from a creature whose mischief has +neither bound nor excuse, except in the weakness of her understanding?' +In the height of my indignation, I resolved to upbraid Mrs Boswell with +her baseness and folly, and then resign my hopeless task. But I had so +often and so severely smarted for acting under irritation, that the +lesson had at length begun to take effect; and I recollected that it +might be wise to defer my remonstrances till I could suppress a temper +which was likely to render them both imprudent and useless. I fear my +forbearance was somewhat aided by considering the consequences of +renouncing my present situation. However, when I was cool, I conducted +my reproofs with what I thought great address. I hid my offending +ringlets under a cap, and never more exposed them to the admiration of +Mr Boswell. It would have been mere waste of oratory to harangue to Mrs +Boswell upon the meanness of artifice; and rather uncivil, all things +considered, to talk to her of its inseparable connection with folly; but +I represented to her, that the time might come when her daughter would +turn against her the arts which she had taught. A fool can never divest +an argument of its reference to one particular case. 'If she should cut +off my hair,' said the impracticable Mrs Boswell, 'I shan't care much, +for wigs are coming into fashion.'</p> + +<p>'But if even in trifles she learn to betray, how can you be sure that, +in the most important concerns of life, she will not play the +traitress?'</p> + +<p>'Oh no fear,' cried Mrs Boswell, nodding her head as she always did when +she meant to look sagacious; 'I shall be too knowing for her, I +warrant.'</p> + +<p>'A blessed emulation!' thought I.</p> + +<p>Our dialogue was interrupted by the entrance of Mr Boswell, whose +features seemed animated by some incipient scheme. He took his place +beside his mate, and forthwith began to toy and flatter; looking, +however, as if he would fain have ventured to change the subject. At +length the secret came forth. He had met a college companion, with whom +he had a great inclination to dine that day. Mrs Boswell said nothing; +but she looked denial. Mr Boswell sat<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[272]</a></span> silent for a little, and then +renewed his manœuvres. The praises of a favourite cap soothed the +lady into quiescence; for good-humour is too lively a term to express +the more amiable turns of Mrs Boswell's temper. The petitioner seized +the favourite moment. 'I should really like to dine with poor Tom +Hamilton to-day,' said he.</p> + +<p>'Poor fiddlesticks!' returned the polite wife. 'What have you to do +dining with Tom Hamilton?'</p> + +<p>'I don't know, my love: we have not met for twenty years; and he pressed +me so much to come and talk over old stories, that—that I was obliged +to give him a kind of half-promise.'</p> + +<p>'Nonsense!' quoth the lady, with a decisive tone and aspect; and poor Mr +Boswell, with a sigh of resignation, moved his chair towards the +fire-place, and began to draw figures in the ashes.</p> + +<p>Whether this operation assisted his courage, I know not; but, in about +ten minutes, he told me, in a half whisper, 'that, if I would entertain +Mrs Boswell, he rather thought he would dine with Tom Hamilton.'</p> + +<p>'And why should you not? For a husband to go out, it is sufficient that +he wills it,' said I; parodying a maxim which was at that time the +watchword of a more important revolt. I fancy the smile which +accompanied my words was, for the moment, more terrific to Mr Boswell +than his lady's frown, for he instantly left us; and having secured his +retreat beyond the door, put his head back into the room, saying, with a +farewell nod, and a voice of constrained ease. '<i>Au revoir</i>, my darling! +I dine with Hamilton.'</p> + +<p>'Why, Mr Boswell!' screamed the wife, in a tone between wrath and +amazement; but the rebel was beyond recall.</p> + +<p>The lady was forthwith invested with an obstinate fit of the sullens. +Considering me as the cause of her husband's misconduct, she suffered +dinner and some succeeding hours to pass without deigning me even a look +or a word. My forte, certainly, was not submission; therefore, after +speaking to her once or twice without receiving an answer, I made no +further effort to soothe her, but amused myself with reading, work, or +music, exactly as if Mrs Boswell's chair had been vacant. She made +several attempts to disturb my amusement: she spilled the ink upon my +clothes. But though she made no apology, I assured her, with wicked +good-humour, that a farthing's worth of spirit of salt would repair the +disaster. She beat poor Fido; yet even this did not provoke me to speak. +She could not make me angry; because, by showing me that such was her +purpose, she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[273]</a></span> engaged my pride to disappoint her. Left to itself, her +temper at last made a tolerable recovery; or, rather, she spared me, +that she might discharge its full venom upon Mr Boswell.</p> + +<p>At a late hour the culprit returned; fortified, as it appeared, by a +double allowance of claret, but in high spirits and good-humour. +Forgetting that he was in disgrace, he walked as directly as he could +towards his offended fair; and, with a look of stupid kindness, offered +her his hand. The lady flounced away with great disdain. 'Come now, my +darling,' stammered the husband, coaxingly; 'don't be cross. Be a good +girl, and give me a kiss.'</p> + +<p>'Brute!' replied the judicious wife, giving him a push, which, with the +help of the extra bottle, made him stagger to the other side of the +room. There he placed himself beside me; protesting that I was a sweet, +lovely, good-humoured creature, and that he was sure I had never been +out of temper in my life; with many other equally well-turned +compliments. This was the consummation of his misdeeds. Mrs Boswell +pulled the bell till the wire broke. 'Put that creature to bed,' said +she to the servant; 'don't you see he's not fit to be any where else?' +Mr Boswell was not so much intoxicated as to be insensible to this +indignity, which he angrily resisted; while, shocked and disgusted +beyond expression, I escaped from the scene of this disgraceful +altercation.</p> + +<p>The next day Mrs Boswell had recourse, as usual, to silent sullenness; +to which she added another mode of tormenting. She constantly held her +handkerchief to her eyes, and affected to shed tears. All this, however, +was reserved for Mr Boswell's presence, as she soon discovered that it +was needless to waste either anger or sensibility upon me. Lest her +distress should not sufficiently aggravate the culprit's self-reproach, +she pretended that her health was affected by her feelings. It was +always one of her Lilliputian ambitions to obtain the reputation of a +feeble appetite. But now this infirmity increased to such a degree, that +Mrs Boswell absolutely could not swallow a morsel; nor, which was much +worse, could she see food tasted by another without demonstrations of +loathing. Nevertheless, she regularly appeared at table; and, for three +days, every meal was disquieted by the landlady's disgust at our +voracity.</p> + +<p>Poor Mr Boswell, now completely quelled, did what man could do to +restore peace and appetite. He coaxed, entreated; and offered her, I +believe, all the compounds recorded in all the cookery books; but in +vain. Deaf as the coldest damsel of romance to the prayer of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[274]</a></span> offending +love was Mrs Boswell. She retained her youthful passion for sweetmeats; +and her good-natured husband came one morning into her dressing-room +fraught with such variety of confections, that I was surprised at the +self-command with which she refused them all. I could not help laughing +to see him court the great baby with sugar-plums; she answering, like +any other spoilt child, only by twisting her face, and thrusting forward +her shoulder; nor was my gravity at all improved when Fido, making his +way into some concealment, drew forth the remains of a portly sirloin.</p> + +<p>Mr Boswell looked as if he would fain have joined in my laugh; but he +foresaw the coming storm, and prudently effected his retreat. Mrs +Boswell's face grew livid with rage. She snatched the poker; and would +have struck the poor animal dead, had I not arrested her arm. 'Stop, +woman!' said I, in a voice at which I myself was almost startled; +'degrade yourself no further.' It is not the rage of such a creature as +Mrs Boswell that can resist the voice of stern authority. Her eye fixed +by mine as by the gaze of a rattle-snake, she timidly laid aside her +weapon; and shrunk back, muttering that she did not mean to hurt my dog.</p> + +<p>From that time Mrs Boswell discovered a degree of enmity towards the +poor animal, which I could not have imagined even her to feel towards +any thing less than a moral agent. Not that she avowed her antipathy; +but I now knew her well enough to detect it even in the caresses which +she bestowed on him. She was constantly treading on him, scalding him, +tormenting him in every possible way, all by mere accident; and if I +left him within her reach, I was sure to be recalled by his howlings. +The poor animal cowered at the very sight of her. At last he was +provoked to avail himself of his natural means of defence; and one +evening, when she had risen from her sofa on purpose to stumble over +him, he bit her to the bone.</p> + +<p>The moment she recovered from the panic and confusion which this +accident occasioned, she insisted upon having the animal destroyed, upon +the vulgar plea, that, if he should ever go mad, she must immediately be +affected with hydrophobia. Pitying her uneasiness, I at first tried to +combat this ridiculous idea; but I soon found that she was determined to +resist conviction. 'All I said might be true, but she had heard of such +things; and, for her part, she should never know rest or peace, while +the life of that animal left the possibility of such a horrible +catastrophe.' At last I was obliged to tell her peremptorily that +nothing should induce me to permit the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[275]</a></span> destruction of my poor old +favourite,—the relic of better times, the last of my friends. I +humoured her folly, however, so far as to promise that I would find a +new abode for him on the following day. Mrs Boswell was relentlessly +sullen all the evening; but I was inflexible.</p> + +<p>The only way which occurred to me of disposing of poor Fido was to +commit him to the care of Cecil Graham, at least till she should leave +Edinburgh. In the morning, therefore, I prepared for a walk, intending +to convey my favourite to his new protectress. My pupil was, as usual +eager to accompany me; and when I refused to permit her, she took the +course which had often led her to victory elsewhere, and began to cry +bitterly. This, however, was less effectual with me than with her +mother. I persisted in my refusal; telling her that her tears only gave +me an additional motive for doing so, since I loved her too well to +encourage her in fretfulness and self-will. Mrs Boswell, however, moved +somewhat by her child's lamentations, but more by rivalry towards me, +soothed and caressed the little rebel; and finally insisted that I +should yield the point. Angry as I was, I commanded my temper +sufficiently to let the mother legislate for her child; and submitted in +silence. But when we were about to set out, Fido was no where to be +found. After seeking him in vain, I would have given up my expedition; +but Mrs Boswell would not suffer Jessie to be disappointed, so we +departed.</p> + +<p>I found Cecil's apartment vacant, and all its humble furniture removed. +I comprehended that she had returned to her native wilds; and I felt +that the connection must be slight indeed which we can without pain see +broken for ever! She was gone, and had not left among the thousands, +whose hum even now broke upon my ear, one being who would bestow upon me +a wish or a care. 'Poor feeble Ellen!' said I to myself, as I dashed the +tears from my eyes, 'where foundest thou the disastrous daring which +could once renounce the charities of nature, and spurn the intercourse +of thy kind?'</p> + +<p>A natural feeling leading me to enquire into the particulars of Cecil's +departure, I made my way to an adjoining apartment, which was occupied +by another family.</p> + +<p>On my first entrance, the noisome atmosphere almost overcame me; and, +unwilling to expose my little charge to its effects, I desired her to +remain without, and wait my return; but her morning's lesson of +disobedience had not been lost, and I presently found her at my side.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[276]</a></span></p> + +<p>In answer to my enquiries, the people of the house told me that Cecil +had been gone for several days; but as to the particulars of her fate, +they showed an ignorance and unconcern scarcely credible in persons who +had lived under the same roof. Disgusted with all I saw, I was turning +away; when a groan, which seemed to issue from a darker part of the +room, drew my steps towards a wretched bed, where lay a young woman in +the last stage of disease. I had enquired whether she had any medical +assistance, and been answered that she had none,—I had bent over her +for some minutes, touched the parched skin, and tried to count the +fluttering pulse—before, my eye accommodating itself to the obscurity, +I perceived the unconscious gaze and flushed cheek which indicate +delirious fever. I turned hastily away; but more serious alarm took +possession of me, when I observed that my pupil had followed me close to +the bed-side, and in childish curiosity was inhaling the very breath of +infection. I instantly hurried her away, and returned home.</p> + +<p>Though expecting that Mrs Boswell would throw upon me the blame which +more properly belonged to herself, I did not hesitate to acquaint her +with this accident; begging her to advise with the family surgeon +whether any antidote could still be applied. But Mrs Boswell was touched +with a more lively alarm than poor Jessie's danger could awaken. 'Bless +me!' she cried, 'did you touch the woman? Pray don't come near me. +Campbell! get me ever so much vinegar. Pray go away, Miss Percy. I would +not be near a person that had the fever for the whole world.'</p> + +<p>'Were every one of your opinion, madam,' said I, 'a fever would be +almost as great a misfortune as infamy itself; but since you are so +apprehensive, Jessie and I will remain above stairs for the rest of the +day.'</p> + +<p>At the door of my apartment I found poor Fido extended, stiff and +motionless. Startled by somewhat unnatural in his posture, I called to +him. The poor animal looked at me, but did not stir. 'Fido!' I called +again, stooping to pat his head. He looked up once more; wagged his +tail; gave a short low whine; and died.</p> + +<p>Many would smile were I to describe what I felt at that moment; and yet +I believe there are none who could unmoved lose the last memorial of +friend and parent, or part unmoved with the creature which had sported +with their infancy, and grown old beneath their care. Fido was my last +earthly possession. Besides him I had nothing. I thank Heaven that the +greater part of my kind must look back to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[277]</a></span> deprivations of early +childhood, ere they can know what a melancholy value this single +circumstance gives to what is in itself of little worth.</p> + +<p>My feelings took a new turn, when it suddenly occurred to me that my +poor old favourite owed his death not to disease, but to poison. His +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apearance'">appearance</ins>, as well as the suddenness of his death, confirmed the +suspicion. Strong indignation already working in my breast, I hastened +to question the servants. They all denied the deed; but with such +reservations, as showed me that they at least guessed at the +perpetrator. Breathless with resentment, and with a vain desire to vent +it all, yet to vent it calmly, I entered Mrs Boswell's apartment, and +steadily questioned her upon the fact. Mrs Boswell forgot her late +alarm, or rather my flashing eye was for a moment an over-match for the +fever. She changed colour more than once; but she answered me with that +forced firmness of gaze, which often indicates determined falsehood. +'She could not imagine who could do such a thing. She could not believe +that the animal was poisoned. She did not suppose that any of the +servants would venture. In short, she was persuaded that Fido died a +natural death.'</p> + +<p>'That shall be examined into,' said I, still looking at her in stern +enquiry. Again she changed colour, and resumed her denials, but with a +more restless and evasive aspect. Presently my glance followed hers to +some papers which lay upon the table. I saw her as if by accident cover +them with her hand, then dexterously throw them upon the ground; and she +was just endeavouring to conceal them with her foot when I snatched up +one of them. I observed that it had been the envelope of a small parcel; +and turning the reverse, saw that it was marked with the word 'arsenic.'</p> + +<p>Dumb for a moment with unutterable scorn, I merely presented the paper +to Mrs Boswell, and hearing her stammer out some lying explanation, +turned in disgust away. But indignation again supplied me with words. +'Find another instructor for your child, Mrs Boswell,' said I; 'I will +no longer tell her to despise treachery, and falsehood, and cruelty, +lest I teach her to scorn her mother.'</p> + +<p>Then, without waiting reply, I left the room.</p> + +<p>'Dost thou well to be angry?' said my conscience, as soon as she had +time to speak. I answered, as every angry woman will answer, 'Yes. I do +well to be angry. Vile were the spirit that would not stir against such +inhuman baseness!' This was well spoken,—perhaps it was well felt. Yet +I would advise all lofty spirits to be abstemious in their use of noble +indignation. It borders too nearly on their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[278]</a></span> prevailing sin.</p> + +<p>I soon recollected, that I had renounced my only means of support; but +it is a feeble passion which cannot justify its own acts. 'Better so,' +said I, 'than receive the bread of dependence from one whom I ought to +despise; or cling to an office in which I can perform nothing.'</p> + +<p>I began, however, to look with some uneasiness to the consequences of my +rashness. I had neither home, property, nor friends. That which gives +independence—the only real independence—to the poorest menial, was +wanting to me; for I had neither strength for bodily labour, nor +resolution to endure want. Nor could I claim the irresistible +consolation of tracing, in the circumstances of my lot, the arrangements +of a Father's wisdom. My own temerity had shaped my fate. My own +impatience of human wickedness and folly was about to cut me off from +human support; and I, who had no forbearance for the weakness of my +brethren, was about to try what strength was in myself.</p> + +<p>All this might perhaps pass darkly through my mind, but was not +permitted to take a determinate form. The sin, whatever it be, which +easily besets us, is to each of us the arch-deceiver. It is the first +which the Christian renounces in general, the last which he learns to +detect in its particulars. I had resolved to call my self-will 'virtuous +indignation;' for indeed my ruling frailty has had, in its time, as many +styles and titles as any ruler upon earth, though seldom like them +designed by its <i>Christian</i> name.</p> + +<p>It was an obvious escape from examining the past, to anticipate the +future. I had some experience of the difficulties which awaited me; and +knew how little my merits, such as they were, would avail towards the +advancement of an unfriended stranger. Yet the fearless buoyancy of my +temper supported me. I had now spent in Mrs Boswell's family three +months of weariness and drudgery, for which I had received no +remuneration; I concluded, of course, that she was my debtor for some +return, however small. Upon this sum I expected to subsist till some +favourable change should take place in my situation. How or whence this +change should come, I fancy I should have been puzzled to divine; so I +was content with assuring myself that come it certainly would.</p> + +<p>At the beginning of my connection with Mrs Boswell, I had, with more +politeness than prudence, submitted the recompense of my services to her +decision. From that time she seemed to have forgotten the subject; and +delicacy, or perhaps pride, forbade me to bring it to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[279]</a></span> her recollection. +It was now absolutely necessary to surmount this feeling; but it was +surmounted in vain. Mrs Boswell reminded me, that I had stipulated for +protection only; and declared, that she understood me as engaged to +serve her without any other reward. Confounded as I was at her meanness +and effrontery, I yet retained sufficient command of temper to address a +civil appeal to a faculty which, in Mrs Boswell's mind, was an absolute +blank; but argument was vain, and my only resource was an application to +Mr Boswell.</p> + +<p>Well knowing that his lady's presence would give a fatal bias to the +scales of justice, I requested to speak with him in private. Unwilling +to shock him by a detail of his wife's baseness, I assigned no reason +for the resolution which I announced of quitting his family. I merely +submitted to his arbitration the misunderstanding which had arisen in +regard to the terms of my servitude. I had reason to be flattered by the +regret, perhaps I might rather say dismay, with which the good man heard +of my intended removal. With every expression of affectionate and +fatherly regard he entreated me to reconsider my purpose. He assured me, +that it was the first wish of his heart that his child should resemble +me; he said, that he could neither hope nor even desire to see another +obtain such influence as I had already gained over her; and that all his +prospects of comfort depended on the use of this influence. 'I need not +affect to disguise from you, my dear Miss Percy,' said he, 'that Mrs +Boswell, however willing, is not likely to assist much in forming +Jessie's temper and manners. The variableness of her spirits——'</p> + +<p>'Spirits!' repeated I involuntarily.</p> + +<p>'Well,' resumed Mr Boswell with a heavy sigh, 'perhaps I should rather +have said temper. But whatever it be, the more useless it makes her to +Jessie, and the more vexatious to me, the more have we both need of that +delightful gaiety, that blessed sweetness which breathes peace and +cheerfulness wherever you come. Dear Miss Percy, say that you will +remain with my girl, that you will teach her to be as delightful as +yourself, and you will repay me for ten of the most comfortless years +that ever a poor creature spent.'</p> + +<p>Somewhat embarrassed by this strange sort of confidence, I answered, +that were I to accept the trust he offered I should only disappoint his +expectations, since all my influence with my pupil was as nothing +compared with that which was thrown into the opposite scale. I therefore +renewed my request, that he would enable me immediately to relinquish my +charge.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[280]</a></span></p> + +<p>Mr Boswell employed all his rhetoric to change my resolution, but I was +inflexible. 'Well, well!' said he at last, with a sigh and a shrug, 'I +see how it is. The same confounded nonsense that has driven every +comfort from my doors for these ten years past is driving you away too. +Well, well! Hang me if I can help it. A man must submit to any thing for +the sake of peace.'</p> + +<p>'Undoubtedly,' said I, suppressing a smile; 'while he finds that he +actually reaps that fruit from his submission.'</p> + +<p>'Why as to that I can't say much. But bad as matters are, they might be +worse if I were as determined to have my own way as my wife is. I have +tried it once or twice, indeed; but—really her perseverance is most +wonderful!' Mr Boswell pursued the subject at great length; labouring to +convince me, or rather to convince himself, that where submission was +unattainable on the one side, the defect ought to be supplied by the +other; always inferring, from the necessary unhappiness of this +situation, that I ought not, by my departure, to deprive him of his only +remaining comfort. All he could obtain, however, was my consent to +continue in his family for a few days longer. In return, he promised the +full discharge of my claim upon Mrs Boswell, as soon as he should find +means to dispose of such a sum <i>peaceably</i>; that is, as soon as he could +by stealth abstract so much of his own property.</p> + +<p>I suppose the pleasures of complaint increase in proportion to the folly +and impropriety of complaining. I never could otherwise account for the +frequent lamentations over the perfidy of lovers and the obduracy of +parents; nor imagine any other reason why Mr Boswell, having once +entered on the subject of his conjugal distresses, returned to it on +every possible occasion. In his wife's presence it was recalled to my +recollection by cautious hints, and by significant sighs and looks. In +her absence the theme seemed inexhaustible.</p> + +<p>The embarrassment inflicted on me by this continual reference to a +secret was increased, when I perceived that Mrs Boswell, whose jealousy +in this instance supplied her want of penetration, suspected some +intelligence between her husband and myself. She was now, indeed, under +a stubborn fit of taciturnity; but I had at last learnt to read a +countenance which never forsook its stony blank, except to express some +modification of malevolence. I alarmed Mr Boswell into more caution; but +when the lady's suspicions once were roused, it was not in the most +guarded prudence, nor in the most open simplicity of conduct, to lull +them.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[281]</a></span></p> + +<p>Unfortunately Mr Boswell and I soon found a more legitimate subject of +sympathy. The very day after her ill-fated visit to the abode of +disease, poor Jessie showed symptoms of infection; and before the week +expired, was pronounced to be in extreme danger. The mother, on this +occasion, showed a degree of anxiety, which was wonderful in Mrs +Boswell. She sent for nurse after nurse, and for doctors innumerable. +She made diligent enquiry after a fortune-teller, to unveil the fate of +her child; and she actually shed tears when the fire emitted a splinter +which she called a coffin. Stronger minds than Mrs Boswell's become +superstitious, when their most important concerns depend upon +circumstances over which they have no control. Finally, she questioned +every member of the family concerning the best cure for a fever, and +insisted that all their prescriptions should be applied. Fortunately, +however, no consideration could prevail upon her to superintend the +application. To approach the infected chamber, she would have thought +nothing less than <i>felo de se</i>;—therefore the poor little sufferer was +spared many unnecessary torments.</p> + +<p>Mrs Boswell carried her dread of infection so far, that she would hold +no direct communication with any one who entered the sick room; and she +positively forbade her husband to approach his suffering child. But to +this interdiction the father could not submit. His visits were stolen, +indeed, but they were frequent; and he evinced on these occasions a +sensibility which could scarcely have been expected from the easy +indifference of his general temper. Often, while others were at rest, +did the father hang over the sick bed of his child; offer the draught to +her parched lips; and shed upon her altered face the tear of him who +trembles for his only hope.</p> + +<p>To his kindness and his sorrow she was alike insensible. Her fondness +for me seemed the only recollection which her delirium had spared. She +would accept of no sustenance except from my hand. If I was withdrawn +from her sight, her eye wandered in restless search of something +desired; though when I appeared, it often fixed on me with a +heart-breaking vacancy of gaze. Thus circumstanced, I could no longer +think of deserting her. Indeed I never quitted her even for an hour; and +when wearied out I sunk to sleep, it was only to start again at her +slightest summons. These attentions, which I must have been a savage to +withhold, extorted from Mr Boswell the warmest expressions of +gratitude;—gratitude, which springs so readily in every human heart, +yet so rarely takes root there, and so very rarely<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[282]</a></span> becomes fruitful.</p> + +<p>'God, reward thee, blessed creature!' said he once, when late in the +night we were separating at the door of the sick-room, where he had been +sharing the vigils of the nurse and me. 'My child's own mother forsakes +her, while you!—God reward you.' As he spoke, he clasped my hand +between his, and fervently pressed his lips to my forehead. But I +started with a confusion like that of detected guilt, when I perceived, +at a little distance, the half-concealed face of Mrs Boswell, scowling +malignity and detection. Whilst I stood for a moment in motionless +expectation of what was to follow, she darted forward, undressed as she +was; her lip quivering, her face void of all colour except a line of +strong scarlet bordering her eyelids. 'Mighty well!' cried she, in +accents half choked by something between a hysterical giggle and a sob. +'Mighty well, indeed! I knew how it was! I have seen it all well enough. +But I'm not such a fool as you think! I won't endure it—that I won't.'</p> + +<p>Provoked by the recollection that this degrading remonstrance was +uttered within hearing of a domestic, I looked towards Mr Boswell for +defence; but seeing him cower like a condemned culprit, I was obliged to +answer for myself. 'What will you not endure, madam?' said I. 'Your own +preposterous fancy?—I know of nothing else that you have to endure.'</p> + +<p>Mrs Boswell's natural cowardice always took part against her with a +resolute antagonist. 'I am sure,' said she, whimpering between fear and +wrath, 'I don't want to have any words with you, Miss Percy—only I +wish—I am sure it would be very obliging if you would go quietly out of +this house—and not stay here enticing other people's husbands——'</p> + +<p>At this coarse accusation, the indignant blood rose to my forehead. But +the provocation was great enough to remind me that this was a fit +occasion of forbearance; and I subdued my voice and countenance into +stern composure, while I said, 'Woman! I would answer you, were I sure +of speaking only what a Christian ought to speak.' Then turning from +her, I took refuge from further insult in the apartment which I knew she +did not dare to approach.</p> + +<p>There I sat down to consider what course I should pursue, I had been +insolently forbidden the house; and every moment that I remained in it +might subject me to new affront. The very attendants in the sick-room +could, with difficulty, restrain the merriment excited by Mrs Boswell's +ridiculous attack; and I felt as if the impertinence of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[283]</a></span> their +half-suppressed smiles was partly directed against me. They had heard my +dismission; and every instant that I delayed to avail myself of it +seemed a new degradation. The most rooted passion of my nature, +therefore, urged my immediate departure; but I had now learned to lend a +suspicious ear to its suggestions. 'I shall never be humble,' thought I, +'if I resist every occasion of humiliation;' and when I looked upon the +altered countenance of my poor little charge, I could have endured any +thing rather than have withdrawn its last comfort from her ebbing life. +I resumed my place by her side, resolved never voluntarily to quit her +while my cares could administer to her relief.</p> + +<p>My task was now of short duration. The very next day the physician +informed me that the crisis of the disorder was at hand; and that an +hour which he named would either bring material amendment, or lasting +release from suffering. I entreated that the anxiety of the parents +might not be aggravated by a knowledge of this circumstance; and +undertook myself to watch the event of the critical hour.</p> + +<p>The day passed in silent suspense. Mrs Boswell did not dare to approach +me; and she contrived, by what means I know not, to keep her husband +away. I was truly thankful to be thus spared from contest; for I had +begun to feel the consequences of breathing the polluted air of +confinement. A heavy languor was upon me. My eyes turned pained from the +light. I was restless; yet I moved uneasily, for my limbs seemed +burdened beyond their strength. In vain I tried to struggle against +these harbingers of disease. Infection had done its work, and my +disorder increased every hour. The physician, at this evening visit, +observing my haggard looks, desired that I should immediately endeavour +to obtain some rest. But to sleep during the hour that was to decide +poor Jessie's fate, I should at any time have found impossible. I +watched her till the appointed time was past; saw her drop into the +promised sleep; sat motionless beside her during the anxious hours of +its continuance; and, with a joy which brightened even the progress of +disease, beheld her lifting upon me once more the eye of intelligence, +and beaming upon me once more the smile of ease.</p> + +<p>Thinking only of the joyful news I had to tell, I ran to enquire for Mr +Boswell. He was in his dressing-room; and thither I hastened to seek +him. I entered; and told my tale, I know not how. 'Thank God!' the +father tried to say, but could not. He burst into tears. The first<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[284]</a></span> +words he spoke blessed me for having saved his child; the next expressed +his eager wish to see her. We were leaving the dressing-room together, +when we met Mrs Boswell. Her face growing livid with rage, and her voice +sharpening to something like the scream of a Guinea fowl, she exclaimed, +'Well! if this is not beyond every thing! To go into his very room! You +are a shameless, abominable man, Mr Boswell. But I will be revenged on +you—that I will.'</p> + +<p>'I went into Mr Boswell's room, madam,' interrupted I, calmly, 'to tell +him that his daughter is out of immediate danger; and I was just going +to convey the same news to you.'</p> + +<p>'Oh! no doubt but you'll be clever enough to find some excuse. But I +don't wish to have any thing to say to you, Miss Percy,—only I tell you +civilly, go away out of my house. I'm sure the house is my own; and it +is very hard if I can't—so go this moment, I tell you——'</p> + +<p>She had gone too far. The mildest spirits are, when roused, the most +tremendous; and Mr Boswell's was, for the moment, completely roused. +Seizing her with a grasp, which made me tremble, 'Speak that again at +your peril, Mrs Boswell,' said he. 'Her stay depends upon herself, +whilst I have a roof to shelter her.' Then, throwing her from him, he +passed on, whilst I shuddered at perceiving that his grasp had wrung the +blood-drops from her fingers. The poor creature, terrified by this first +instance of violence, stood gazing after him in trembling silence. +'Compose yourself, Mrs Boswell,' said I, as soon as he was out of +hearing; 'I will immediately begone. I staid only for the sake of poor +Jessie; now, nothing would tempt me to remain here another hour.'</p> + +<p>Spent with the exertion which I had made, I could scarcely reach my +chamber. I immediately began to collect my little property for removal; +but before my preparations, trifling as they were, could be finished, my +strength failed, and I sunk upon my bed.</p> + +<p>A strange confusion seemed now to seize me. Black shadows swam before my +eyes, succeeded by glares of bloody light. The hideous phantoms crowded +round me, till my very breathing was oppressed by their numbers; and one +of them, more frightful than the rest, laid on my forehead the weight of +his fiery hand. Then came a confused hope that all was but a frightful +dream, from which I struggled to rouse myself. I spoke, as if my own +voice could dispel the terrible illusion. I endeavoured to rise, that I +might shake off this dreadful sleep. In an instant I was on the brink of +a fearful precipice, from which I shrunk in vain. Hands invisible +hurried me down the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[285]</a></span> fathomless abyss.</p> + +<p>Again I perceived that these horrors were illusory. I strove to convince +myself, that I was indeed in my own chamber, surrounded by objects +familiar to my sight. My mind rallied its last strength, to recall the +remembrance of my situation. Along with this, a dark suspicion of the +truth stole upon me.</p> + +<p>'Merciful Heaven!' I cried, 'are my senses indeed wandering; and must I +be driven forth homeless while fever is raging in my brain! Forbid it! +Oh forbid it!'</p> + +<p>By a violent effort I flung myself on my knees. With an earnestness +which hastened the dreaded evil, I supplicated an escape from this worst +calamity; and implored, that the body might perish before the spirit +were darkened. But ere the melancholy petition was closed, its fervour +had wandered into delirium.</p> + +<p>A time passed which I have no means to measure; and I saw a female form +approach me. She seemed alternately to wear the aspect of my mother and +of Miss Mortimer; yet she rejected my embrace; and when I called her by +their names, she answered not. She clothed me in what seemed the chill +vestments of the grave; she hurried me through the air with the rapidity +of light; then consigned me to two dark and fearful shapes; and again I +was hurried on.</p> + +<p>At last the breath of heaven for a moment cooled my throbbing brow. I +looked up and saw that I was in the hands of two persons of unknown and +rugged countenance. They lifted me into a carriage. It drove off with +distracting speed.</p> + +<p>The succeeding days are a blank in my being. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[286]</a></span></p> + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIV" id="CHAPTER_XXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXIV</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>For he has wings which neither sickness, pain,<br /> +Nor penury can cripple or confine.<br /> +No nook so narrow, but he spreads them there<br /> +With ease, and is at large. The oppressor holds<br /> +His body bound; but knows not what a range<br /> +His spirit takes, unconscious of a chain.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Cowper.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>I was awakened as from the deepest sleep, by a cry wild and horrible. It +was followed by shouts of dissonant laughter, unlike the cheering sounds +of human mirth. They seemed but the body's convulsion, in which the +spirit had no part. I started and listened;—a ceaseless hum of voices +wearied my ear.</p> + +<p>A recollection of the past came upon me, mixed with a strange +uncertainty of my present state. The darkness of midnight was around me; +why then was its stillness broken by more than the discords of day? I +spoke, in hopes that some attendant might be watching my sick-bed;—no +one answered to my call. I half-raised my feeble frame to try what +objects I could discern through the gloom. High above my reach, a small +lattice poured in the chill night wind; but gave no light that could +show aught beyond its own form and position. As I looked fixedly towards +it, I perceived that it was grated. 'Am I then a prisoner?' thought I. +'But it matters not. A narrower cell will soon contain all of poor Ellen +that a prison can confine.' And, worn out with my effort, I laid myself +down with that sense of approaching dissolution, which sinks all human +situations to equality.</p> + +<p>I closed my eyes, and my thoughts now flew unbidden to that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[287]</a></span> unknown +world from which, in these days of levity, they had shrunk affrighted; +and to which, even in better times they had often been turned with +effort.</p> + +<p>Presently a female voice, as if from the adjoining chamber, began a +plaintive song; which now died away, now swelled in mournful caprice, +till, as it approached the final cadence, it wandered with pathetic +wildness into speech. I listened to the hopeless lamentation;—heard it +quicken into rapid utterance, sink into the low inward voice, then burst +into causeless energy;—and I felt that I was near the haunt of madness. +The shuddering of horror came over me for a moment. But one thought +alone has power to darken the departing spirit with abiding gloom. The +worst earthly sorrows play over her as a passing shadow, and are gone. +'Poor maniac!' thought I, 'thou and the genius which now guides and +delights mankind will soon alike be as I am.'</p> + +<p>But why record the feeble disjointed efforts of a soul struggling with +her clog of earth? Oh, had my strivings to enter the strait gate been +<i>then</i> to begin, where should I, humanly speaking, have found strength +for the endeavour? My mind, weakened with my body, could feel, indeed, +but could no longer reason; it could keenly hope and fear, but it could +no longer exercise over thought that guidance which makes thinking a +rational act. Worn out at last with feelings too strong for my frame, I +sunk to sleep; and, in spite of the dreariest sounds which rise from +human misery, slept quietly till morning.</p> + +<p>Then the daylight gave a full view of my melancholy abode. Its extent +was little more than sufficient to contain the low flock-bed on which I +lay. The naked walls were carved with many a quaint device; and one name +was written on them in every possible direction, and joined with every +epithet of endearment. Well may I remember them; for often, often, after +having studied them all, have I turned wearily to study them again.</p> + +<p>As I lay contemplating my prison, a step approached the door; the key +grated in the lock; and a man of a severe and swarthy countenance stood +before me. He came near, and offered me some food of the coarsest kind, +from which my sickly appetite turned with disgust; but when he held a +draught of milk and water to my lips, I eagerly swallowed it, making a +faint gesture of thanks for the relief. The stern countenance relaxed a +little! 'You are better this morning,' said the man.</p> + +<p>'I soon shall be so,' answered I, with a languid smile.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[288]</a></span></p> + +<p>Without farther conference he was turning to depart; when, recollecting +that I should soon need other cares, and shrinking with womanly +reluctance from owing the last offices to any but a woman, I detained +him by a sign. 'I have a favour to beg of you,' said I. 'I shall not +want many.'</p> + +<p>'Well!' said the man, lingering with a look of idle curiosity.</p> + +<p>'When I am gone,' said I, 'will you persuade some charitable woman to do +whatever must be done for me; for I was once a gentlewoman, and have +never known indignity.'</p> + +<p>The man promised without hesitation to grant my request. Encouraged by +my success, I proceeded. 'I have a friend, too; perhaps you would write +to him.'</p> + +<p>'Oh yes—who is he?' said the man, looking inquisitively.</p> + +<p>'Mr Maitland, the great West India merchant. Tell him that Ellen Percy +died here; and dying, remembered him with respect and gratitude.'</p> + +<p>The man looked at me with a strong expression of surprise, which quickly +gave place to an incredulous smile; then turned away, saying carelessly, +'Oh, yes, I'll be sure to tell him;' and quitted the cell.</p> + +<p>During that day, my trembling hopes, my solemn anticipations, were +interrupted only by the return of the keeper, to bring my food at stated +hours. But on the following day, I became sensible of such amendment, +that the natural love of life began to struggle with the hopes and the +fears of 'untried being.'</p> + +<p>With the prospect of prolonged existence, however, returned those +anxieties which, in one form or another, beset every heart that turns a +thought earthward. The idea of confinement in such a place of +imprisonment, perhaps perpetual, mingled the expectations of recovery +with horror. To live only to be sensible to the death of all my +affections, of all my hopes, of all my enjoyments!—To retain a living +consciousness in that place where was no 'knowledge, nor work, nor +device.'—To look back upon a dreary blank of time, and forward to one +unvaried waste!—To pine for the fair face of nature! perhaps to live +till it was remembered but as a dream! Gracious Heaven! what strength +supported me under such thoughts of horror? Language cannot express the +fearful anxiety with which I awaited the return of the only person who +could relieve my apprehensions.</p> + +<p>The moment he appeared, I eagerly accosted him. 'Tell me,' I cried, 'why +I am here: surely I am no object for such an institution as this. Mr and +Mrs Boswell know that my fever was caught in attending<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[289]</a></span> their own +child.'</p> + +<p>'To be sure they do,' said the man soothingly.</p> + +<p>'Why then have they sent me to such a place as this?'</p> + +<p>The man was silent for a moment, and then answered, 'Why, what sort of a +place do you take it for? You don't think this is a madhouse, do you?' +Seeing that I looked at him with surprise and doubt, he added, 'This is +only an asylum, a sort of infirmary for people who have your kind of +fever.'</p> + +<p>I now perceived that he thought it necessary to humour me as a lunatic. +'For mercy's sake,' I cried, 'do not trifle with me. You may easily +convince yourself that I am in perfect possession of my reason; do so +then, and let me be gone. This place is overpowering to my spirits.'</p> + +<p>'The moment you get well,' returned the man coolly, 'you shall go. We +would not keep you after that, though you would give us ever so much. +But I could not be answerable to let you out just now, for fear of +bringing back your fever.'</p> + +<p>With this assurance I was obliged for the present to be contented. Yet a +horrible fear sometimes returned, that he would only beguile me with +false hope from day to day; and when he next brought my homely repast, I +again urged him to fix a time for my release. 'I am recovering strength +so rapidly,' said I, 'that I am sure in a few days I may remove.'</p> + +<p>'Oh yes!' answered he; 'I think in a fortnight at farthest you will be +quite well; provided you keep quiet, and don't fret yourself about +fancies.'</p> + +<p>While he spoke, I fixed my eyes earnestly upon him, to see whether I +could discover any sign of mental reservation; but he spoke with all the +appearance of good faith, and I was satisfied.</p> + +<p>My spirits now reviving with my health and my hopes I endeavoured to +view my condition with something more than resignation. 'Surely,' said I +to myself, 'it should even be my choice to dwell for a time amidst +scenes of humiliation, if here I can find the weapons of my warfare +against the stubborn pride of nature and of habit. And whatever be <i>my</i> +choice, this place has been selected for me by Him whose will is my +improvement. Let me not then frustrate his gracious purpose. Let me +consider what advantage he intends me in my present state. Alas! why +have I so often deferred to seasons of rare occurrence the lessons which +the events of the most ordinary life might have taught me?'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[290]</a></span></p> + +<p>Carefully I now reviewed my actions, my sentiments, and my purposes, as +they had lately appeared to me in the anticipation of a righteous +sentence. What tremendous importance did each then assume! The work +perhaps of a moment seemed to extend its influence beyond the duration +of worlds. The idle word, uttered with scarcely an effort of the will, +indicated perhaps a temper which might colour the fate of eternity. In a +few days, I learnt more of myself than nineteen years had before taught +me; for the light which gleamed upon me, as it were from another world, +was of power to show all things in their true form and colour. I saw the +insidious nature, the gigantic strength, the universal despotism of my +bosom sin. I saw its power even in actions which had veiled its form; +its stamp was upon sentiments which bore not its name; its impression +had often made even 'the fine gold become dim.' Its baleful influence +had begun in my cradle, had increased through my childhood, had dictated +alike the enmities and the friendships of my youth. It had rejected the +counsels of Miss Mortimer; trifled with the affections of Maitland; +spurned the authority of my father; and hurried me to the brink of a +connection in which neither heart nor understanding had part. It had +embittered the cup of misfortune; poisoned the wounds of treachery; and +dashed from me the cordial of human sympathy. It had withheld gratitude +in my prosperity; it had robbed my adversity of resignation. It had +mingled even with the tears of repentance, while the proud heart +unwillingly felt its own vileness; it had urged, I fear, even the +labours of virtue, with the hope of earning other than unmerited favour. +It had eluded my pursuit, resisted my struggles, betrayed my +watchfulness. It had driven me from an imaginary degradation among 'mine +own people,' to desolation, want, and dependence, among strangers. When +were greater sacrifices extorted by self-denial, that 'lion in the way' +which has scared so many from the paths of peace? Even the employment, +which, by an undeserved good fortune, I had obtained, was degraded into +slavery by the temper which represented my employer as alike below my +gratitude and my indignation; while the pleasure with which pride +contemplates its own eminence had blinded me to the awful danger +denounced against those who cherish habitual contempt for the meanest of +their brethren.</p> + +<p>I now saw that, even with the despised Mrs Boswell, I had need to +exchange forgiveness; since, against the evils which she had inflicted +on me, I had to balance a scorn even more galling than injury. Of the +injustice of this scorn I became sensible, when I considered that it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[291]</a></span> +was directed less against her faults than her understanding; less +against the baseness of her means than the insignificance of her ends; +since what was at once the excuse and the mitigation of her vices formed +the only reason why they were less endurable to me than the craft and +the cruelty of politicians and conquerors. When I remembered that a few +hours of sickness had sufficed to reduce me in intellect far below even +the despised Mrs Boswell; that a derangement of the animal frame, so +minute as to baffle human search, might blot the rarest genius from the +scale of moral being; while I shrunk from the harrowing ravings of +creatures who could once reason and reflect like myself, I felt the +force of the warning which forbids the wise to 'glory in his wisdom.' I +admitted as a principle what I had formerly owned as an opinion, that +the true glory of man consists not in the ingenuity by which he builds +systems, or unlocks the secrets of nature, or guides the opinions of a +wondering world; but in that capacity of knowing, loving, and serving +God, of which all are by nature equally destitute, and which all are +equally and freely invited to receive.</p> + +<p>The reflections of those few days it would require months to record. +They furnished indeed my sole business, devotion my sole pleasure. My +cell contained no object to divert my attention; and the stated returns +of the keeper were the only varieties of my condition. My strength, +however, gradually returned. I was able to rise from my bed, and to +walk, if the size of my apartment had admitted of walking.<a name="FNanchor_19_19" id="FNanchor_19_19"></a><a href="#Footnote_19_19" class="fnanchor">[19]</a></p> + +<p>It may well be believed that I counted the hours of my captivity, and I +did not fail to remind the keeper daily of his promise. It was not till +the day preceding that which he had fixed for my liberation, that I +discovered any sign of an intention to retract.</p> + +<p>'To-morrow I shall breathe the air of freedom,' said I to him +exultingly, while I was taking my humble repast.</p> + +<p>'I am sure you have air enough where you are,' returned the man.</p> + +<p>'Oh but you may well imagine how a prisoner longs for liberty!'</p> + +<p>'You are no more a prisoner than any body else that is not well. I am +sure, though I were to let you out, you are not fit to go about yet.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[292]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Though you were to——Oh Heaven! you do not mean to detain me still! +You will keep your promise with me!'</p> + +<p>'Oh yes,' said the man, with that voice of horrible soothing which made +my blood run cold; 'never fear, you shall get out to-morrow;' and, +regardless of my endeavours to detain him, he instantly left me.</p> + +<p>'You shall get out to-morrow,' I repeated a thousand times, in +distressful attempt to convince myself that a promise so explicit could +not be broken. Yet the horrible doubt returned again and again. Drops of +agony stood upon my forehead as I looked distractedly upon those narrow +walls, and thought they might inclose me for ever. 'God of mercy,' I +cried, casting myself wildly on my knees, 'wilt thou permit this? Hast +thou supported me hitherto only to forsake me in my extremity of need? +Oh no! I wrong thy goodness by the very thought.'</p> + +<p>Well may our religion be called the religion of hope; for who can +remember that 'unspeakable gift' which every address to Heaven must +recall to the Christian's view, without feeling a trust which outweighs +all causes of fear? By degrees I recovered composure, then hope, then +cheerfulness; and when, at the keeper's evening visit, I had extorted +from him another renewal of his promise, I was so far satisfied as to +prepare myself by a quiet sleep for the trials which awaited my waking.</p> + +<p>The next morning a bright sun was gleaming through my grated window; and +anxiously I watched the lingering progress of its shadow along the wall. +Long, long, I listened for the heavy tread of the keeper; thought myself +sure that his hour of coming was past; and dreaded that his stay was +ominous of evil. When at last I heard the welcome sounds of his +approach, and felt that at last the moment of certainty was come, a +faintness seized me, and I remained motionless, unable to enquire my +doom.</p> + +<p>The man looked keenly at the fixed eye which wanted power to turn from +him. 'I thought as much,' said he triumphantly. 'I'll lay a crown you +don't wish to go out to-day.'</p> + +<p>'Oh yes, indeed!' I cried, starting up with sudden hope and animation: +'I would go this instant!'</p> + +<p>The man again examined my face inquisitively. 'Eat your breakfast then,' +said he, 'and put on these clothes I have brought you. I shall come back +for you presently.'</p> + +<p>Language cannot express the rapture with which I heard this promise. +Overpowered with emotions of joy and gratitude, I sunk at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[293]</a></span> the feet of +the keeper; pouring forth, in the fulness of my heart, blessings made +inarticulate by tears. Then recollecting how my suspicions had wronged +him, 'Pardon me,' I cried, 'oh pardon me, that ever I doubted your word. +I ought to have known that you were too good to deceive me.'</p> + +<p>'Hush! quiet!' said the man knitting his brow, with a frown which forced +the blood back chill upon the throbbing heart; and in a moment he was +gone.</p> + +<p>It was some time before I became composed enough to remember or to +execute the command which I had received; but my mysterious +apprehensions, my tumults of delight giving way to sober certainty, I +changed my dress, and sat down to await the return of my liberator. Then +while I recollected the horrible dread from which I was delivered, the +fate from which I seemed to have escaped, gratitude which could not be +restrained burst into a song of thanksgiving.</p> + +<p>It was interrupted by the return of the keeper, who, without speaking, +threw open the door of my cell, and then proceeded to that of the one +adjoining. I sprung from my prison, and hurried along a passage which +terminated in the open air.</p> + +<p>I presently found myself in a small square court, surrounded by high +walls, and occupied by twenty or thirty squalid beings of both sexes. +Concluding that I had mistaken the way, I returned to beg the directions +of the keeper. 'I am busy just now,' said he, 'so amuse yourself there +for a little; the people are all quite harmless.'</p> + +<p>'Amuse myself!' thought I. 'What strange perversion must have taken +place in the mind which could associate such a scene and such objects +with an idea of amusement!' I had no choice, however; and I returned to +the court. I was instantly accosted by several unfortunate beings of my +own sex, all at once talking without coherence and without pause. In +some alarm I was going to retreat, when a little ugly affected-looking +man approached; and, with a bow which in any other place would have +provoked a smile, desired that he might be allowed the honour of +attending me. Little relieved by this politeness, I was again looking +towards retreat, when the party was joined by a person of very different +appearance from the rest. Large waves of silver hair adorned a face of +green old age, and the lines of deep thought on his brow were relieved +by a smile of perfect benignity; while his air, figure, and attire were +so much those of a gentleman, that I instantly concluded he must be the +visiter, not the inhabitant of such a dwelling.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[294]</a></span></p> + +<p>Reproving the intrusion of the rest with an authority from which they +all seemed to shrink, he politely offered to attend me; and I accepted +of the escort with a feeling of perfect security.</p> + +<p>While we walked round the court, my companion conversed as if he +believed me also to be a visiter. 'I sometimes indulge in a melancholy +smile,' said he, 'on observing how well the characteristics of the sexes +are preserved even here. The men, you see, are commonly silent and +contemplative, the women talkative and restless. Here, just as in that +larger madhouse, the world, pride makes the men surly and quarrelsome, +while the ladies must be indulged in a little harmless vanity. Now and +then, however, we encroach on your prerogative. The little man, for +instance, who spoke to you just now, fancies that every woman is in love +with him; and that he is detained here by a conspiracy of jealous +husbands.' He proceeded to comment upon the more remarkable cases; +showing such acquaintance with each, that I concluded him to be the +medical attendant of the establishment. This belief inspired me with a +very embarrassing desire to convince him of my sanity; and I endured the +toil of being laboriously wise, while we moralised together on the +various illusions which possessed the people round us, and on the +curious analogy of their freaks to those of the more sober madmen who +are left at large. Some strutted in mock majesty, expecting that all +should do them homage. Some decked themselves with rags, and then +fancied themselves fair. Some made hoards of straws and pebbles, then +called the worthless mass a treasure. Some sported in unmeaning mirth; +while a few ingenious spirits toiled to form baubles, which the rest +quickly demolished; and a few miserable beings sat apart, shrinking from +companions whom they imagined only evil spirits clothed in human form. +In one respect, however, all were agreed. Each scorned or pitied every +form of madness but his own. 'Let us then,' said I, 'be of those who +pity; since we too have probably our points of sanity, though where they +lie we may never know till we reach the land of perfection.'</p> + +<p>'Perfection!' exclaimed my companion; 'is not its dawn arisen on the +earth! Are not the splendours of day at hand? That glorious light! in +which man shall see that his true honour is peace, his true interest +benevolence! Yes, it is advancing; and though the perverseness of the +ignorant and the base have for a time concealed me here, soon shall the +gratitude of a regenerated world call me to rejoice in my own work!'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[295]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Sir!' said I, startled by this speech, which was pronounced with the +utmost vehemence of voice and manner.</p> + +<p>'Yes!' proceeded he; 'the labours of twenty years shall be repaid! +Punishment and pain shall be banished from the world. A patriarchal +reign of love shall assemble my renovated children around their father +and their friend. All government shall cease. All——'</p> + +<p>'Silence!' cried a voice of tremendous power; and immediately the keeper +stood beside us. He rudely seized the old man's arm, and the flush of +animation was instantly blanched by fear. I saw the reverend form of age +thus bow before brute violence, and I forgot for a moment that I was +powerless to defend. 'Inhuman!' I exclaimed; 'will you not reverence +grey hairs and misfortune?'</p> + +<p>Without deigning me a look, the keeper led his captive away; while I +followed him with eyes in which the tears of alarm now mingled with +those of pity. He presently returned, and sternly commanded me to go +with him. Eager as I was for my dismission, I yet trembled while I +obeyed. We reached the door of my cell; and though I expected to pass +it, I involuntarily recoiled. 'Go in!' said the keeper, in a voice of +terrible authority.</p> + +<p>'Here!' I exclaimed, with a start of agony. 'Oh, Heaven! did you not +say—did you not promise——'</p> + +<p>'Ay, ay,' interrupted the man; 'but I must see you a little quieter +first. Get in, get in!'</p> + +<p>'No, no! I will not! Though I perish, I will not!'</p> + +<p>A withering smile crossing that dark countenance, he seized me with a +force which reduced me to the helplessness of infancy; and regardless of +the shriek wrung from me by hopeless anguish, he bore me into the cell, +shook off my imploring hold, and departed. I heard the dreary creaking +of the bolt; and I heard no more. I fell down senseless.</p> + +<p>When I revived, I found myself supported by the arm of a person who was +administering restoratives to me. The first accents to which I were +sensible were those of the keeper; who said, as if in answer to some +question, 'She has been almost as high this morning ever.'</p> + +<p>'So, so!' returned the other. 'Well! she'll do for the present, so I +must be gone. Keep an eye on her, and tell me how she comes on. And +harkye, give her a better place—if they don't pay for it, I will. I am +sure she is a gentlewoman.'</p> + +<p>In the hope that I might now effectually appeal to justice or to pity, I +made a strong effort to rouse myself; but my compassionate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[296]</a></span> attendant +was gone. The keeper, however, who perhaps was severe only from a +mistaken sense of duty, had been alarmed into treating me with more +caution. He watched me till I was completely revived; and as soon as I +could make the necessary exertion, removed me to a different part of the +building.</p> + +<p>My new place of confinement, though somewhat larger and better furnished +than the first, was equally contrived to prevent all chance of escape. +But I quickly discovered that I had, by the change, gained a treasure, +which, whoever would estimate, must like me be cut off from the +sympathies of living being. A swallow had built her nest in my window. I +saw her feed her nurslings day by day. I watched her leaving her nest, +and longed for her return. Her twittering awoke me every morning; and I +knew the chirp which invited her young to the food she had brought. +Their first flight was an event in my life as well as in theirs; for the +interests of kindred are scarcely stronger than those which we take in +the single living thing, however mean, whose feelings we can make our +own.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile I learnt from the keeper that the person to whose humanity I +owed the improvement in my situation was the surgeon who attended the +institution; and I looked forward to his next visit with all the +eagerness of hope. Remembering, however, the dependence he had shown on +the keeper's information, I became doubly anxious to remove the +impression which I saw was entertained against the soundness of my mind. +Alas! I forgot that it is not for the prejudiced eye to detect the +almost imperceptible bound which separates soundness of mind from +insanity.</p> + +<p>'You assure me,' said I, one day, to my inexorable gaoler, 'that you +have no instructions to detain me here, and you promise that I shall be +dismissed the moment I am well: tell me how you propose to ascertain my +recovery.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, no fear but I shall know that before you know it yourself.'</p> + +<p>'But what reason have you to doubt that I am already in perfect +possession of my senses? I speak rationally enough.'</p> + +<p>'Oh ay, I can't say but you have spoken rationally enough these three or +four days. They all do that, at times.'</p> + +<p>'What other proof of my recovery can you expect? Here I have no means of +proving it by my actions.'</p> + +<p>'Well, well. We'll see one of these days.'</p> + +<p>'But if it be true that you have no wish to detain me, why must I linger +on in this place of horror? Put me to any proof you will.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[297]</a></span> Propose, for +instance, the most complicated question in arithmetic to me; and see +whether I do not answer it like a rational creature.'</p> + +<p>'I make no doubt. We have a gentleman here these fourteen years, that +works at the counting from morning to night.'</p> + +<p>'Fourteen years! Good Heavens!—Oh try me for mercy's sake in any way +you please. Think of any experiment that will satisfy yourself;—let it +only be made quickly.'</p> + +<p>The man promised; for he always promised. He thought it a part of his +duty. It is not to be told with what horror I at last heard that 'Oh +yes,' which always began the heart-breaking assents addressed to me as +to one whom it were needless and cruel to contradict.</p> + +<p>All my anxieties were aggravated by the dread that his promises of +release were deceitful like the rest; and that even, though he had no +longer doubted of my recovery, the jealousy of Mrs Boswell might have +bribed him to detain me. I balanced in my mind the improbability of so +daring an outrage with the stories which I had heard of elder brothers +removed, and wives concealed for ever. Where much is felt and nothing +can be done, it is difficult indeed to fix the judgment.</p> + +<p>To relieve my doubts, I enquired whether Mr Boswell knew of my +confinement. The keeper could not tell. He only knew that the petition +for my admission and the bond for my expenses were signed by Mrs Boswell +alone. This circumstance was quite sufficient to convince me that Mr +Boswell was ignorant of my fate; and I thought if I could find means to +make him acquainted with my situation, he would undoubtedly accomplish +my release. I implored of the keeper to inform him where I was; and he +promised, but with that ominous 'Oh yes,' which assured me the promise +was void.</p> + +<p>By degrees, however, I had learnt to bear my disappointments with +composure. I must not venture to say that I was becoming reconciled to +my condition; I must not even assert that I endured its continuance with +resignation,—for how often did my impatience for release virtually +retract the submissions which I breathed to Heaven! But I had +experienced that there are pleasures which no walls can exclude, and +hopes which no disappointments can destroy; pleasures which flourish in +solitude and in adversity; hopes, which fear no wreck but from the +storms of passion. I had believed that religion could bring comfort to +the dreariest dwelling. I now experienced that comfort. The friend whom +we trust may be dear; the friend whom we have tried is inestimable. +Religion, perhaps, best shows her strength when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[298]</a></span> she rules the +prosperous, but her full value is felt by the unfortunate alone.</p> + +<p>Among my other requests to the keeper, I had entreated that he would +allow me the use of that precious book, which has diffused more wisdom, +peace, and truth, than all the works of men. He promised, as he was wont +to promise; but weary of a request which was repeated every time he +appeared, he at last yielded to my importunity. From that hour an +inexhaustible source of enjoyment was opened to me. Devotion had before +sometimes gladdened my prison with the visits of a friend; now his +written language spoke to my heart, answering every feeling. How +different was this solitude from the self-inflicted desolation which I +had once endured? Nay, did not the blank of all earthly interests leave +me a blessed animation compared with that dread insensibility which had +once left me without God in the world.</p> + +<p> +'This is to be alone! This, this is solitude!'<br /> +</p> + +<p>But while I bore my disappointments with more fortitude, I did not, it +will easily be imagined, relax my endeavours after liberty. On certain +days, the institution was open to the inspection of strangers. On these +days I was always furnished with a change of dress, and led out to make +part of the show; and my spirit was for the time so thoroughly subdued, +that I submitted to this exhibition without a murmur, almost without a +pang. Circumstances had so far overcome my natural temper, that I more +than once appealed to the humanity of those whom a strange curiosity led +to this dreariest scene of human woe. But prejudice always confounded my +story with those which most of my companions in confinement were eager +to tell. I addressed it to an old man; he heard me in silence; then +turning to the keeper, remarked, that it was odd that one fancy +possessed us all, the desire to leave our present dwelling. 'Ay,' said +the keeper, 'that is always the burden of the song;' and they turned to +listen to the ravings of some other object. I told my tale to a youth, +and thought I had prevailed, for tears filled his eyes. 'Good God!' +cried he, instantly flying from a painful compassion, 'to see so lovely +a creature lost to herself and to the world!'</p> + +<p>The ladies had courage to bear a sight which might shake the strongest +nerves, but not to venture upon close conference with me. They shrunk +behind their guards, whispering something about the unnatural brightness +of my eyes.</p> + +<p>My only hope, therefore, rested upon the return of the humane surgeon, +and upon the chance that he might find leisure to examine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[299]</a></span> me himself, +instead of trusting to the representation of the keeper. Yet, even +there, might not prejudice operate against me? I had felt its effects, +and had reason to tremble.</p> + +<p>The day came which preceded his periodical visit to the department +whither I had been removed. It was a stormy one, and heavy rain beat +against my grated window. My swallows, who had tried their first flight +only the day before, cowered close in their nest; or peeped from its +little round opening, as if to watch the return of their mother. They +had grown so accustomed to me, that the sight of me never disturbed +them. In the pride of my heart I showed them to the keeper when he +brought my morning repast. 'Who knows,' said I, 'if the doctor come +to-morrow, but they and I may take our departure together.' As I spoke, +a gust of the storm loosened the little fabric from its hold. I sprung +in consternation to the window. The ruin was complete; my treasure was +dashed to the ground. Let those smile who can, when I own that I uttered +a cry of sorrow; and, renouncing my unfinished meal, threw myself on my +bed and wept.</p> + +<p>'Help the girl!' exclaimed the keeper. 'A woman almost as big as I am, +crying for a swallow's nest. Well, as I shall answer, I thought you had +got quite well almost.'</p> + +<p>Aware too late of the impression which my ill-timed weakness had given, +I did my utmost, at his subsequent visits, to repair my error; but +prejudice, even in its last stage of decay, is more easily revived than +destroyed, and I saw that he remained at best sceptical.</p> + +<p>The day came which was to decide my fate. No lover waiting the sentence +of a cautious mistress,—no gamester pausing in dread to look at the +decisive die,—no British mother trembling with the Gazette in her +hand,—ever felt such anxiety as I did, at the approach of my medical +judge. With as much coherence, however, as I could command, I related to +him the circumstances to which I attributed my confinement. He heard me +with attention, questioned, and cross-examined me. 'Have you any +objection,' said he, 'to my making enquiries of Mr Boswell?'</p> + +<p>'None, certainly,' said I, 'if you cannot otherwise convince yourself +that I ought to be set at liberty; else I should be unwilling to add to +his domestic discomfort. I am persuaded that he has no part in this +cruelty.'</p> + +<p>The surgeon remained with me long; talking on various subjects, and +ingeniously contriving to withdraw my attention from the ordeal which I +was undergoing. The keeper, to justify his own sagacity,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[300]</a></span> detailed with +exaggeration every instance he had witnessed of my supposed +eccentricity. 'To this good day,' said he, 'she'll be crying one minute, +and singing the next.'</p> + +<p>'Mr Smith,' said the doctor, shaking his head gravely, 'if you shut up +all the women who change their humour every minute, who will make our +shirts and puddings?'</p> + +<p>He related the transports of my premature gratitude. 'By the time you +are a little older, Miss Percy,' said the doctor, 'you will guess better +how far sympathy will go; and then you will not run the risk of being +thought crazy, by showing more sensibility than other people.'</p> + +<p>Other instances of my extravagance were not more successful; for the +doctor's prejudice had fortunately taken the other side. 'You know, Mr +Smith,' said he, 'that I always suspected this was not a case for your +management; and that if I had been in the way when admission was asked +for this lady, she would never have been here.' My departure was +therefore authorised; and, at my earnest request, it was fixed for that +day.</p> + +<p>And who shall paint the rapture of the prisoner, who tells himself, what +yet he scarcely dares believe, 'This day I shall be free?' Who shall +utter the gratitude which swells the heart of him whom this day has made +free? That I was to go I knew not whither,—to subsist I knew not +how,—could not damp the joys of deliverance. The wide world was indeed +before me; but even that of itself was happiness. The free air,—the +open face of heaven,—the unfettered grace of nature,—the joyous sport +of animals,—the cheerful tools of man,—sounds of intelligence, and +sights of bliss were there; and the wide world was to me, the native +land of the exile, lovely with every delightful recollection, and +populous with brethren and friends.</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[301]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXV" id="CHAPTER_XXV"></a>CHAPTER XXV</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Oh! grief has changed me since you saw me last;<br /> +And careful hours, and time's deforming hand<br /> +Have written strange defeatures in my face.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Shakspeare.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>Though I resisted all idea of returning, even for an hour, to the +control of Mrs Boswell, it was thought necessary, since I had been +confined upon her authority and at her expense, that, before my +departure, she should be informed of my recovery, and consequent +dismission. After waiting impatiently the return of a message despatched +for this purpose; I learnt that Mr Boswell's house was shut up; the +whole family having removed to the country. My kind friend, Dr ——, +however, would not permit this to retard my departure. He undertook for +Mrs Boswell's performance of her engagement; which, he said, he could +easily compel, by threatening to expose her conduct. For my part, I had +no doubt that she had fled from the fear of detection, and with the +design of preventing her husband from discovering the barbarity she had +practised; for I knew that it was not the love of rural life, nor even +of the fashion, which could have roused Mrs Boswell to the exertion of +travelling fifty miles.</p> + +<p>So far as I was concerned, however, her precaution was unnecessary; for +she had injured me too seriously to have any return of injury to fear. +Nothing short of necessity could have induced me to expose her, while I +saw reason to dread that self-deceit might, under the name of justice, +countenance the spirit of revenge. The only reason I had to regret her +departure was, that I was thus prevented from receiving the money which +Mr Boswell had acknowledged to be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[302]</a></span> my right. Every thing else which +could be called mine had been sent with me from the house, and was now +faithfully restored to me. Feeble indeed must have been the honesty to +which my possessions could have furnished a temptation! The whole +consisted in a few shillings, and a scanty assortment of the plainest +attire. And yet the heir of the noblest domain never looked round him +with such elation as I did, when I once more found myself under the open +canopy of heaven; nor did ever the 'harp and the viol' delight the ear +like the sound of the heavy gate which closed upon my departing steps. I +paused for a moment, to ask myself if all was not a dream; then leant my +forehead against the threshold, and wept the thanksgiving I could not +utter.</p> + +<p>I was roused by an enquiry from the person who was carrying my +portmanteau, 'whither I chose to have it conveyed?' The only residence +which had occurred to me, the only place with which I seemed entitled to +claim acquaintance, was my old abode at Mrs Milne's; and I desired the +man to conduct me thither.</p> + +<p>Though the gladness of my heart disposed me to good-humour with every +living thing, I could not help observing that my landlady received me +coolly. To my enquiry whether my former apartment was vacant, I could +scarcely obtain an intelligible reply; and when I requested that, if she +could not accommodate me, she would recommend another lodging-house to +me, the flame burst forth. She told me 'that she had had enough of +recommending people she knew nothing about. Mrs Boswell had very near +turned away her sister for recommending me already.' I assured the woman +that I should have sincerely regretted being the occasion of any +misfortune to her sister; and declared that I was utterly unconscious of +having ever done discredit to her recommendation. 'It might be so,' the +landlady said, 'but she did not know; it seemed very odd that I had been +sent away in a hurry from Mr Boswell's, and that I had never been heard +of from that day to this. To be sure,' said she, 'it was no wonder that +Mrs Boswell dismissed a person who had brought so much distress and +trouble into the family, and almost been the death of both Mr Boswell +and little miss.'</p> + +<p>'Mr Boswell! did he catch the infection too?'</p> + +<p>'To be sure he did; and so I dare say would the whole house, if you had +not been sent away.'</p> + +<p>I expressed my unfeigned sorrow for the mischief which I had innocently +caused; for I was at this moment less disposed to resent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[303]</a></span> impertinence +than to sympathise in the joys and sorrows of all human kind.</p> + +<p>My landlady's countenance at last <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'relaxd'">relaxed</ins> a little; and either won by my +good-humour, or prompted by her curiosity to discover my adventures +during my mysterious disappearance, or by a desire to dispose of her +lodging at a season when they were not very disposable, she told me that +I might, if I chose, take possession of my former accommodation. With +this ungracious permission I was obliged to comply; for the day was +already closing, and my scarcely recovered strength was fast yielding to +fatigue.</p> + +<p>I was aware, however, that in those lodgings it was impossible for me, +with only my present funds, to remain; for humble as were my +accommodations, they were far too costly for my means of payment. Mr +Boswell had, indeed, acknowledged himself my debtor for a sum, which, in +my situation, appeared positive riches; but my prospect of receiving it +was so small, or at least so distant, that I dared not include the +disposal of it in any plan for the present. That I might not, however, +lose it by my own neglect, I immediately wrote to remind Mr Boswell of +his promise, and to acquaint him whither he might transmit the money. I +had no very sanguine hopes that this letter would ever reach the person +for whom it was intended; and was more sorry than surprised, when day +after day passed, and brought no answer.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, I made every exertion to obtain a new situation. I +enquired for Mrs Murray; and found that she was still in England, where +she had been joined by her son. I went unwittingly to the house of her +repulsive sister; and found, to my great relief, that it was, like half +the houses in its neighbourhood, deserted for the season. It was in vain +that I endeavoured to procure employment as a teacher. The season was +against my success. The town was literally empty; for though this is a +mere figure of speech when applied to London, it becomes a matter of +fact in Edinburgh. Besides, I had no introduction; and I believe there +is no place under Heaven where an introduction is so indispensable. +Without it, scarcely the humblest employment was to be obtained. Had I +asked for alms, I should probably have been bountifully supplied; but +the charity which in Scotland is bestowed upon a nameless stranger, is +not of that kind which 'thinketh no evil.'</p> + +<p>Observing one day in the window of a toy-shop some of those ingenious +trifles, in the making of which I had once been accustomed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[304]</a></span> to amuse +myself, I offered to supply the shop with as many of them as I could +manufacture. The shopman received my proposal coolly. Had I ordered the +most expensive articles of his stock, they would probably have been +intrusted to me without hesitation; but even he seemed to think that +pin-cushions and work-baskets must be made only by persons of +unequivocal repute. At last, though he would not intrust me with his +materials, he permitted me to work with my own; promising that, if my +baubles pleased him, he would purchase them. Even for this slender +courtesy I was obliged to be thankful; for I had now during a week +subsisted upon my miserable fund, and, in spite of the most rigid +economy, it was exhausted. The price of my lodging too for that week was +still undischarged; and it only remained to choose what part of my +little wardrobe should be applied to the payment of this debt.</p> + +<p>The choice was difficult; for nothing remained that could be spared +without inconvenience; and when it was at length fixed, I was still +doubtful how I should employ this last wreck of my possessions. I was +strongly tempted to use it in the purchase of materials for the work I +had undertaken; because I expected that in this way it might swell into +a fund which might not only repay my landlady, but contribute to my +future subsistence. But, fallen as I was, I could not condescend to +hazard, without permission, what was now, in fact, the property of +another: and, humbled as I had been, my heart revolted from owing the +use of my little capital to the forbearance of one from whom I could +scarcely extort respect. Once more, however, stubborn nature was forced +to bow; for, between humiliation and manifest injustice, there was no +room for hesitation; and I summoned my landlady to my apartment. 'Mrs +Milne,' said I, 'I can this evening pay what I owe you; and I can do no +more. I shall then have literally nothing.'</p> + +<p>The woman stood staring at me with a face of curious surprise; for this +was the first time that I had ever spoken to her of my circumstances or +situation. 'If you choose to have your money,' I continued, 'it is +yours. If you prefer letting it remain with me for a few days longer, it +will procure to me the means of subsistence, and to you the continuance +of a tenant for your apartment.'</p> + +<p>After enquiring into my plan with a freedom which I could ill brook, Mrs +Milne told me, 'that she had no wish to be severe upon any body; and +therefore would, for the present, be content with half her demand.' This +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'arrangmement'">arrangement</ins> made, nothing remained except to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[305]</a></span> procure the money; and, +for this purpose, I hasted to the place which I had formerly visited on +a similar errand.</p> + +<p>It was a shop little larger than a closet, dark, dirty, and confused; +and yet, I believe, Edinburgh, at that time, contained none more +respectable in its particular line. Some women, apparently of the lowest +rank, were searching for bargains among the trash which lay upon the +counter; while others seemed waiting to add to the heap. All bore the +brand of vice and wretchedness. Their squalid attire, their querulous or +broken voices, their haggard and bloated countenances, filled me with +dread and loathing.</p> + +<p>Having despatched my business, I was hastening to depart, when I was +arrested by a voice less ungentle than the others. It spoke in a +melancholy importunate half whisper; but it spoke in the accents of my +native land, and I started as if at the voice of a friend. The face of +the speaker was turned away from me. Her figure, too, was partly +concealed by a cloak, tawdry with shreds of what had once been lace. An +arm, on which the deathy skin clung to the bones, dragged rather than +supported a languid infant. She seemed making a last effort to renew a +melancholy pleading. 'If it were but the smallest trifle, sir,' said +she.</p> + +<p>'I tell you woman, I cannot afford it,' was the answer. 'You have had +more than the gown is worth already.'</p> + +<p>'God help me then,' said the woman, 'for I must perish;' and she turned +to be gone. The light rested upon her features. Altered as they were, +they could not be forgotten. 'Juliet! Miss Arnold!' I exclaimed; and the +long tale of credulity and ingratitude passed across my mind in an +instant. I stood gazing upon her for a moment. Sickness, want and +sorrow, were written in her face. I remembered it bright with all the +sportive graces of youth and gaiety. The contrast overcame me. 'Juliet! +dear Juliet!' I cried, and fell upon her neck.</p> + +<p>Strong emotion long kept me silent; while she seemed overpowered by +surprise. At length she recovered utterance. 'Ah, Ellen!' said she, 'you +are avenged on me now.'</p> + +<p>'Avenged! oh, Juliet!'</p> + +<p>It was then that I remembered the vengeance which I had imprecated upon +her head; and it was she who was avenged!</p> + +<p>When I again raised my eyes to her face, it was crossed by a faint +flush; and she looked down as if with shame upon her wretched attire. 'I +am sadly changed since you saw me last, Miss Percy,' said she.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[306]</a></span></p> + +<p>I could not bear to own the horrible truth of her words. 'Let us leave +this place,' said I. 'Come where you may tell me what has caused this +wreck.'</p> + +<p>I offered her my arm, and, with a look of surprise, she accepted it. +'Sure,' said she, 'you must be ashamed to be seen with a person of my +appearance.'</p> + +<p>'Can you imagine,' said I, 'that appearance is in my thoughts at such a +moment as this?' and vexed and chilled by this cold attention to +trifles, I silently conducted her towards my home.</p> + +<p>It was at a considerable distance from the place of our meeting; and the +strength of my companion was scarcely equal to the journey. We had not +gone far before she stopped, arrested by the breathlessness of +consumption. Alarmed, I held out my arms to relieve her from the burden +of the infant. Then first a painful suspicion struck a sickness to my +heart. I looked at her, then at the child, and feared to ask if it was +her own. She seemed to interpret the look, for a blush deepened the +hectic upon her cheek. 'My boy is not the child of shame, Miss Percy,' +said she. My breast was lightened of a load—I pressed her arm to me, +and again we went on.</p> + +<p>We at length reached my lodgings; and, regardless of the suspicious +looks which were cast upon us by the people of the house, I led Miss +Arnold to my apartment, and shared with her the last refreshment I could +command. During our repast, I could not help observing that the change +in Miss Arnold's appearance had but partially extended to her manners. +She was no sooner a little revived than she began to find occasions of +flattering me upon my improved beauty, which she hinted had become only +more interesting by losing the glow of health.</p> + +<p>'In one respect, Juliet,' said I coldly, 'you will find me changed. I +have lost my taste for compliments.' Then fearing I had spoken with +severity, I added more gaily, 'Besides, you can talk of me at any time. +Now tell me rather why I find you here so far from home, so much—tell +me every thing that it will not pain you to tell.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold showed no disinclination to enter on her tale. She told me +that, in consequence of her intimacy with Lady St Edmunds, she had, +after leaving me, <i>necessarily</i> improved her acquaintance with her +Ladyship's niece, Lady Maria de Burgh. A smile of self-complacency +crossed her wasted face as she told me that a very few interviews had +served to dispel all Lady Maria's prejudices against her. 'But to be +sure,' added she, 'Lady Maria is such a fool, that I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[307]</a></span> had no great glory +in changing her opinion.' I remembered with a sigh the time when this +comment would have given me pleasure; but I did not answer; and Miss +Arnold went on to relate, that Lady Maria soon pressed her, with such +unwearied importunity to become her guest, that the invitation was +absolutely not to be resisted without incivility.</p> + +<p>Lord Glendower was at that time Lady Maria's suitor; or rather, Miss +Arnold said, he talked and trifled in such a way, that her Ladyship was +in anxious expectation of his becoming so. 'However,' continued she, 'I +soon saw that, had our situations been equal, he might have preferred me +to his would-be bride.'</p> + +<p>She stopped, but I waited in silence the continuation of her story. 'You +know, Ellen,' said she, 'it was not to be supposed that I would neglect +so splendid a prospect. I had no obligation to Lady Maria which bound me +to sacrifice my happiness.'</p> + +<p>'Happiness!' repeated I involuntarily, while I recollected my humble +estimate of Lord Glendower's talents for bestowing it.</p> + +<p>'Any thing, you know, was happiness,' said Miss Arnold, 'compared with +the life of dependence and subjection which I must have endured with my +brother.' She went on detailing innumerable circumstances which seemed +to lay her under a kind of necessity to encourage Lord Glendower.</p> + +<p>'Ay, ay, Juliet,' interrupted I, 'as Mr Maitland used to say, we ladies +can always make up in the number of our reasons whatever they want in +weight.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold seemed to feel some difficulty in proceeding to the next +step of her narrative. 'At last,' said she, hesitating, 'it was +agreed;—I consented to—to go with Glendower to Scotland.'</p> + +<p>'To Scotland! Was not Lord Glendower his own master? Could he not marry +where he pleased?'</p> + +<p>'It was his wish,' said Miss Arnold, blushing and hesitating; 'and—and +you know, Ellen, when a woman is attached—you know——'</p> + +<p>'Don't appeal to my knowledge, Juliet, for I never was attached, and +never shall be.'</p> + +<p>A pause followed; and it was only at my request that Miss Arnold went on +with her story. 'When we arrived here,' said she, 'I found Glendower's +attentions were not what I expected. You may judge of my despair! I +knew, though I was innocent, nobody would believe my innocence;—I saw +that I was as much undone as if I had been really guilty.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[308]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Oh no, Juliet!' cried I, 'there is, indeed, only one step between +imprudence and guilt; but that one is the passage from uneasiness to +misery, abiding misery. But what did you resolve upon?'</p> + +<p>'What could I do, Ellen? A little dexterity is the only means of defence +which we poor women possess.'</p> + +<p>'Any means of defence was lawful,' said I rashly, 'where all that is +valuable in this world or the next was to be defended.'</p> + +<p>'Certainly,' said Miss Arnold. 'Therefore, what I did cannot be blamed. +I had heard something of the Scotch laws in regard to marriage; and I +refused to see Glendower, unless he would at least persuade the people +of the lodging-house that I was his wife. Afterwards, I contrived to +make him send me a note, addressed to Lady Glendower. The note itself +was of no consequence, but it answered the purpose, and I have preserved +it. I took care, too, to ascertain that the people about us observed him +address me as his wife; and in Scotland this is as good as a thousand +ceremonies. Besides, you know, Ellen, a ceremony is nothing. Whatever +joins people irrevocably, is a marriage in the sight of God and man.'</p> + +<p>'Yes,' answered I, 'provided that both parties understand themselves to +be irrevocably bound.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold averted her eye for a moment; then looked up more steadily, +and went on with her story. 'After this, I had no hesitation to +accompany him to a shooting lodge, which he had hired, in the Highlands. +We were there some months: I am sure I was heartily sick of it. In +winter last we came here, and Glendower talked of going to town; but I +was not able, nor indeed much inclined to go with him; he has got into +such a shocking habit of drinking. So he left me here, promising to come +back after I was confined; but he had not been gone above two months, +when I saw in a newspaper an account of his marriage with Lady Maria. It +came upon me like a thunder-stroke. The shock brought on a premature +confinement, and I was long in extreme danger. However, I dictated +letters both to Glendower and Lady Maria, asserting my claims, and +declaring that, if they were resisted, the law should do me justice. I +wrote often before I could obtain an answer; and at last Glendower had +the effrontery to write, denying that I had any right over him. He had +even the cruelty to allege, that the time of my poor little boy's birth +in part refuted my story.' Juliet, who had hitherto told her tale with +astonishing self-<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'posssession'">possession</ins>, now burst into tears. 'As I hope for mercy, +Ellen,' said she, folding her infant to her breast with all the natural +fondness of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[309]</a></span> mother,—'as I hope for mercy, this boy is Glendower's; +and, as I truly believe, is his only lawful heir, if I could see him +once restored to his rights, I should ask no more.'</p> + +<p>She soon composed herself, and resumed her disastrous story. Lord +Glendower, incensed by her claim, refused to remit her money. She wrote +to her brother an account of her situation. He answered, that he had +already spent upon her education a sum sufficient, if she had acted +prudently, to have made her fortune; that he was not such a fool as to +spend more in publishing her disgrace in a court of law, where he was +sure no judge would award her five shillings of damages;—that he sent +her thirty pounds to furnish a shop of small wares, and desired he might +never hear of her more. The money came in time to rescue her from a +prison; but the payment of her debts left her penniless. She had +subsisted for some time by the sale of her trinkets and clothes. Lower +and lower her resources had fallen; narrower and more narrow had become +the circle of her comforts, till she was now completely a beggar.</p> + +<p>She had also long struggled with ill health. 'This exhausting cough,' +said she, 'and this weakness that makes every thing a burden to me, are +very disheartening, though I know they are not dangerous.' I looked at +her, and shuddered. If ever consumption had set its deadly seal upon any +face, hers bore the impression.</p> + +<p>'What is the matter, Ellen?' said she, 'I assure you I am not so ill as +I look.'</p> + +<p>'I hope not,' said I, trying to smile.</p> + +<p>Evening was now closing; and as I knew that the place which Juliet had +for some days called her home was at a considerable distance, I was +about to propose sharing my apartment with her for the night; when my +landlady opening my door, desired, in a very surly tone, that I would +speak with her. Half guessing the subject of our conference, I followed +her out of hearing of my unfortunate companion. In terms which I must +rather attempt to translate than record, she enquired what right I had +to fill her house with vagrants. With some warmth I resisted the +application of the phrase, telling her that the misfortunes of a +gentlewoman gave no one a right to load her with suspicion or abuse. +'Troth, as for gentility,' said the landlady, 'I believe you are both +much about it. I might have my notion; but I never knew rightly what you +were, till I saw the company you keep. A creature painted to the eyes!'</p> + +<p>'Painted! The painting of death!'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[310]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Well, well, painted or not painted, send her out of this house; for +here she shall stay no longer!'</p> + +<p>'Mrs Milne,' said I, scorning the altercation in which I was engaged, +'while that apartment is called mine, it shall receive or exclude +whomsoever I please.' I turned from her, determined to use the right +which I had asserted.</p> + +<p>'Yours, indeed!' cried the enraged landlady, following me. 'It shall not +be called yours long then. Either pay for the week you have had it, or +else leave it this moment; and don't stay here bringing disgrace upon +creditable people that never bore but a good character till now.'</p> + +<p>I am ashamed to own that the insolence of this low woman overcame my +frail temper. 'Disgrace!' I began in the tone of strong indignation; but +recollecting that I could only degrade myself by the contest, I again +turned away in silence.</p> + +<p>She now forced herself into my apartment; and, addressing Miss Arnold, +commanded her to leave the house instantly. Miss Arnold cast a +supplicating look upon me. 'I shall never reach home alone,' said she.</p> + +<p>'There is no need for your attempting it,' returned I; 'for if you go, I +will accompany you.'</p> + +<p>To this proposal, however, Miss Arnold appeared averse. She showed a +strong inclination to remain where she was, and even condescended to +remonstrate with the insolent landlady. Had I guessed the reason of this +condescension, I might have been saved one of the most horrible moments +of my existence. It had no other effect than to increase the +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'impertience'">impertinence</ins> it was meant to disarm; for the 'soft answer which turns +away wrath' must at least seem disinterested. Disgusted with this scene +of vulgar oppression and spiritless endurance, 'Come, Juliet,' said I, +'if I cannot protect you from insolence here, I will attend you home; +and since you cannot share my apartment, let me take part of yours.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold still lingered, however, and again made a fruitless appeal +to the compassion of Mrs Milne; but finding her inexorable, she +consented to depart.</p> + +<p>I threw my purse upon the table. 'Mrs Milne,' said I, 'after what you +have obliged me to hear, I will not put it in your power to insult me by +farther suspicion. There is the money I owe you.'</p> + +<p>The landlady, now somewhat softened, followed us to the door, assuring +me that it was not to me she made objections. I left her without reply; +and giving Juliet my arm, supported her during a long<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[311]</a></span> and melancholy +walk.</p> + +<p>It was almost dark; and the thoughts of passing unprotected through the +streets of a great city filled me with alarm. I breathed painfully, and +scarcely dared to speak even in a whisper. Every time that my exhausted +companion stopped to gather strength, I shook with the dread that we +should attract observation; and when we proceeded, I shrunk from every +passenger, as if from an assassin. Without molestation, however, we +reached Miss Arnold's abode.</p> + +<p>It was in the attic story of a building, of which each floor seemed +inhabited by two separate families; and in this respect alone it seemed +superior to the dwelling of my poor friend Cecil, who shared her +habitation with a whole community. Miss Arnold knocked; and a dirty, +wretched-looking woman cautiously opened the door. Presenting me, Miss +Arnold began, 'I have brought you a lady who wishes to take——' But the +moment the woman perceived us, her eyes flashed fury; and she +interrupted Miss Arnold with a torrent of invective; from which I could +only learn, that my companion, being her debtor, had deceived her as to +her means of payment, and that she was resolved to admit her no more. +Having talked herself out of breath, she shut the door with a violence +which made the house shake.</p> + +<p>I turned to the ghastly figure of my companion, and grew sick with +consternation. Half bent to the earth, she was leaning against the +threshold, as if unable to support herself. 'Plead for me, Ellen,' said +she faintly. 'I can go no farther.' In compliance with this piteous +request, I knocked again and again; but no answer was returned.</p> + +<p>I now addressed myself to Juliet; entreating her to exert herself, and +assuring her of my persuasion, that if she could once more reach my +lodgings, even the inexorable Mrs Milne would not permit her to pass the +night without a shelter. But the weakness of the disease had extended to +the mind. Miss Arnold sunk upon the ground. 'Oh, I can go no farther!' +she cried; wringing her hands, and weeping like an infant. 'Go—go home, +and leave me, Ellen. I left you in your extremity, and now judgment has +overtaken me! Go, and leave me.'</p> + +<p>It was in vain that I entreated her to have mercy on herself, and on her +child; imploring that she would not, by despair, create the evil she +dreaded. 'Oh, I cannot go, I cannot go,' said she; and she continued to +repeat, weeping, the same hopeless reply to all that I could urge to +rouse her.</p> + +<p>The expectation which I had tried to awaken in her was but feeble in my +own breast; and I at last desisted from my fruitless importunity.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[312]</a></span> But +what course remained for me? Even the poorest shelter I had not the +means to procure. We were in a land of strangers; and many a heart open +to human sympathies was closed against us. To solicit pity was to +provoke suspicion, perhaps to encounter scorn. I myself might return to +my inhospitable home, but what would then become of the unfortunate +Juliet? While I gazed upon the dying figure before me, and weighed the +horrible alternative of leaving her perhaps to perish alone, or +remaining with her exposed to all from which the nature of woman most +recoils, my spirits failed; and the bitter tears of anguish burst from +my eyes. But there are thoughts of comfort which ever hover near the +soul, like the good spirits that walk the earth unseen. There is a hope +that presses for admission into the heart from which all other hope is +fled. 'Juliet,' said I, 'let us commend ourselves to God. It is His will +that we should this night have no protection but His own. Be the +consequence what it may, I will not leave you.'</p> + +<p>My unhappy companion answered only by a continuance of that feeble +wailing which was now more the effect of weakness than of grief; while +I, turning from her, addressed myself to Heaven, with a confidence which +they only know who have none other confidence. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[313]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVI" id="CHAPTER_XXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXVI</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>It is too late. The life of all</i> her <i>blood<br /> +Is touched corruptibly; and</i> her <i>poor brain<br /> +(Which some suppose the soul's frail dwelling-house)<br /> +Doth, by the idle comments which it makes,<br /> +Foretell the ending of mortality.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Shakspeare.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>I was startled by the approach of a heavy footstep. Trembling, I +whispered to Miss Arnold an earnest entreaty that she would command +herself, and not invite curiosity, perhaps insult, to our last retreat. +But I asked an impossibility; poor Juliet could not restrain her +sobbing. The step continued to ascend the stair. Though now hopeless of +concealment, I instinctively shrunk aside. But I breathed more freely, +when I perceived through the dusk that the cause of my alarm was a +woman.</p> + +<p>Crossing the landing, she knocked at the door adjacent to that which had +been closed against us; then approaching my companion, she enquired into +the cause of her distress. 'She is a stranger, sick, and unfortunate,' +said I, now coming forward. 'The only place where she could this night +find shelter is so distant, that she is quite unable to reach it.'</p> + +<p>A youthful voice now calling from within was answered by the woman; and +presently the door was opened by a girl carrying a lamp. Several joyous +faces crowded to welcome a mother's return; and beyond, the light of a +cheerful fire danced on the roof of a clean though humble dwelling. I +turned an eye almost of envy towards the woman. The lamp threw a strong +gleam upon her features; they were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[314]</a></span> familiar to my recollection. She was +the widow of the poor gardener who died in my presence at Greenwich.</p> + +<p>She had turned to address some words of compassion to Miss Arnold; when +the little girl pulled her by the apron, and, casting a sidelong look at +me, said in a half whisper, 'Mother, <i>she</i> is like the good English +lady.' The widow turned towards me, and uttered an exclamation of +surprise; then doubting the evidence of her senses, 'No,' said she, 'it +is not possible.'</p> + +<p>'It is but too possible, Mrs Campbell,' said I; 'the changes of this +restless world have made me the stranger now.'</p> + +<p>'And its yoursel', miss! exclaimed the widow, looking at me with a glad +smile. 'God bless you! ye shall never be strange to me. Please just to +come in, and rest you a little.' Then recollecting Juliet, she added, +'If ye be concerned for this poor body, just bid her come in too.'</p> + +<p>The wanderer, who, benighted in the enemy's land, has been welcomed to +the abode of charity and peace, will imagine the gladness with which I +accepted this invitation. I raised my dejected companion from the +ground, led her to her new asylum, and fervently thanked Heaven for the +joyful sense of her safety and my own.</p> + +<p>We presently found ourselves in an apartment which served in the double +capacity of kitchen and parlour; and our hostess placing a large stuffed +elbow-chair close to the fire, cordially invited me to sit. She looked +back towards my companion, as if doubtful whether she were entitled to +similar courtesy. 'Lady Glendower,' said I, offering to her the place of +honour. It was the first time I had called Juliet by her new name. After +all my impressive lessons of humility, I fear I was not entirely +disinterested in asserting the disparity between the rank of my +companion and her appearance; but I fancied for the moment, that I was +merely claiming respect and compassion for the unfortunate. I had, +however, some difficulty in conveying the desired impression of my +friend's dignity; and it was not until I had succeeded, that I enquired +whether Mrs Campbell could give her the accommodation which she so much +needed. The good woman seemed delighted to have an opportunity of +serving me; and her little girl, who, with the awkward bashfulness +common to the children of her country, had resisted all the advances of +her old acquaintance, now whispered to her mother an offer to resign her +bed to the stranger. This was, however, unnecessary. Mrs Campbell +informed me, that since I had enabled her to return to her own +connections,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[315]</a></span> she had never known want, having obtained constant +employment as a laundress; that her brother, a thriving tradesman, +having lately become a widower, had invited her to superintend his +family; and his business having for the present carried him from home, +she offered Juliet the use of his apartment.</p> + +<p>My companion thus provided with a decent shelter, I began to indulge +some anxiety on my own account. It was near midnight; and I was almost a +mile from home, if I could indeed be said to have a home. I had never +traversed a city by night without all the protections of equipage and +retinue. Now, without defence from outrage, except in the neglect of the +passers by, I was to steal timidly to a threshold where my admission was +at best doubtful. The only alternative was to request that the widow +would extend to me the kindness which she had just shown to my friend; +and this request required an effort which I found almost impracticable.</p> + +<p>I hesitated in my choice of evils till the hour almost decided the +question; then half resolved to utter my proposal, I began to speak; but +the favour which I had petitioned for another, I found it impossible to +ask for myself; and I was obliged to conclude my hesitating preface by a +request, that Mrs Campbell would accompany me home.</p> + +<p>Juliet no sooner saw me about to depart, than she was seized with the +idea that I was going to forsake her for ever; and reduced by illness +and fatigue to the weakness of infancy, she again began to weep. In vain +did I promise to return in the morning. 'Oh no,' said she, 'I cannot +expect it. I cannot expect you to visit me—me, forlorn and wretched.'</p> + +<p>'These very circumstances, Juliet,' said I, 'would of themselves ensure +my return. But if you will not rely on my friendship, at least trust my +word. That you have never had reason to doubt.'</p> + +<p>Miss Arnold did not venture to offend me by expressing her suspicions of +a promise so formally given; but when I offered to go, she clung to me, +entreating with an earnestness which betrayed her fears, that I would +not leave her to want and desolation.</p> + +<p>Overcome by her tears, or glad perhaps of a pretext for yielding +decently, I now offered to remain with her, and proposed to share her +apartment. Our grateful hostess willingly consented to this arrangement; +and, with a hundred apologies for the poorness of my accommodations, +conducted us to our chamber. She little guessed how sumptuous it was, +compared with others which I had occupied!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[316]</a></span> It was to be sure of no +modern date; it shook at every step; and the dark lining of wainscot +gave it a gloomy appearance; but its size and furniture were handsome, +compared with what I had been accustomed to find in the dwellings of +labour. An excellent bed was rendered luxurious by linens which, in +purity and texture, might have suited a palace; and here I had soon the +satisfaction of seeing my exhausted companion and her infant sink into +profound repose.</p> + +<p>For my part, I felt no inclination to sleep. My mind was occupied in +considering the difficulties of my situation. While I had scarcely any +apparent provision for my real wants, I was in a manner called to supply +those of another; for Juliet was even more destitute than myself. +Health, spirits, and activity still remained to me; blessings compared +with which all that I had lost were as nothing; while the disease which +was dragging her to the grave had already left her neither power to +struggle, nor courage to endure. To desert her was an obduracy of +selfishness which never entered my contemplation. But it remained for me +to consider whether I should first provide for my own indispensable +wants, and bestow upon her all else that constant diligence could +supply; or whether we should share in common our scanty support, and +when it failed, endure together.</p> + +<p>'Were I to supply her occasionally,' thought I, 'every trifling gift +would be dearly paid by the recollection that she forsook me in my +extremity. If we live together, nothing will remind her that she owes +any thing to me, and in time she may forget it. And shall not I indeed +be the debtor? What shall I not owe her for the occasion to testify my +sense of the great, the overwhelming forgiveness which has been heaped +upon me? O Author of peace and pardon! enable me joyfully to toil, and +to suffer for her, that I may at last trace, in this dark soul, a +dawning of thine own brightness!'</p> + +<p>My resolution was taken, and I lost no time in carrying it into effect. +Understanding that our present apartment was to be unoccupied for some +weeks, I hired it upon terms almost suitable to the state of my +finances. I explained to Juliet my situation and my intentions; telling +her gaily, that I appointed her my task-mistress, and expected she would +look well to her duty. I next proposed to go and settle the demands of +my former landlady, and to remove my small possessions to my new abode. +Juliet made no resistance to this proposal; though I could read +suspicion in the eye which scrutinised my face as I spoke. When I was +ready to depart, she suddenly requested me to carry her little boy with +me, under pretence that she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[317]</a></span> herself was unable to give him exercise. I +was instantly sensible of this palpable contrivance to secure my return. +To feel myself suspected of treachery at the very moment when I was +impatient to make every sacrifice, assailed my temper, where, alas! it +has ever been most assailable. 'What right have you to insult me?'—I +indignantly began; but when my eye rested on the faded countenance, the +neglected form, the spiritless air of my once playful companion, my +anger vanished. 'Oh, Juliet!' said I, 'do not add to all your other +distresses the pain of suspecting your friend. Thoughtless, selfish, you +may have found me; but why should you think me treacherous?' Miss Arnold +protested immutable confidence, and unbounded gratitude; but I was no +longer the credulous child of self-conceit and prosperity; and pained +and disgusted, I turned away. Common discretion, however, required that +I should not, by dwelling upon her unworthiness, render the task of +befriending her more burdensome. I had indeed neither time nor spirits +to spare for any disagreeable subject of contemplation.</p> + +<p>After settling my accounts with Mrs Milne, I expended the miserable +remainder of my money, partly on indispensable supply for the wants of +the day,—partly on materials for the work which I hoped to earn +subsistence for the morrow. Of these I was obliged to be content with a +very humble assortment. I remembered that, in our better days, Juliet, +as well as myself, had shown inexhaustible ingenuity in the creation of +toys; and I fancied that we might again, with pleasure, share these +light labours together. But no one who has not made the experiment can +imagine how deadly compulsion is to pleasure;—how wearisome the very +sport becomes which must of necessity be continued the livelong +day;—how inviting is every gleam of sunshine, every glimpse of the open +face of Heaven, to one who dares not spare a moment to enjoy them! +Oppressed by the listlessness of disease, Juliet could scarcely make +this experiment; or rather perhaps her early habits could not give way +to a sense of duty, or even of necessity. Her work was taken up and +relinquished a hundred times a day. The trifle which was begun one hour, +was the next deserted for another, to be in its turn forsaken. But what +was worse, a series of efforts defeated,—the sense of a fault which she +had not courage to amend, had an unfortunate effect upon her temper; and +the once playful and caressing Juliet became discontented and peevish.</p> + +<p>These humours indeed she seldom directly vented upon me; but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[318]</a></span> her ill +health, her misfortunes, her privations, the treachery of her husband, +the cruelty of her brother, and the ill qualities of mankind in general, +furnished her with sufficient subjects of impatience. Once indeed, for a +moment, her self-command forsook her so far, that she turned her +displeasure on a trifling occasion against me. I kept my temper, +however; and she instantly recovered hers. But the cowardly fear of +alienating me, the most provoking of all her weaknesses, prompted her +soon after to overwhelm me with promises which were to be performed when +she should be restored to her rights and dignities. I had resolved never +to wound her by one severe expression, and even now I kept my purpose, +though I wept with indignation.</p> + +<p>But in spite of my forbearance, and Juliet's caution, I was often +sensible that I had <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'involuntairly'">involuntarily</ins> given her pain. I could see that she +often mistook the most casual expressions for subtle reproach, or +insinuated threat. Though I forgave, I found it impossible to convince +her of my forgiveness. However suppressed, the latent impression of her +mind certainly was, that I must, in some sort, avenge myself for her +former desertion; nor could she always conceal the mingled sentiment of +fear and anger which this impression inspired.</p> + +<p>But no expression of impatience, nor even of suspicion, was so +tormenting to me as the abject entreaties for forgiveness, which were +reiterated after the most solemn assurances that they were needless. +'For Heaven's sake, Juliet,' I would say to her, 'let this subject be +dropped for ever. I beseech you to let me forget that I have any thing +to forgive you. If ever you see me fail in kindness, if ever I seem to +prefer my own comfort or advantage to yours, then—then remind me that +you once did me wrong, that you may rouse me by the strongest of motives +to love and benefit you.' But all I could say, did only, at best, +impress her with momentary conviction. More frequently her efforts +failed to conceal from me that she thought me more capable of inventing +Christian sentiments than of feeling them.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, her feeble frame declined from day to day; yet, while +she was thus a prey to groundless apprehensions, the melancholy +security, which is so frequent a symptom of her disease, blinded her to +the approach of inevitable fate. It was heart-breaking to see her +spending her last breath in devising schemes of vanity or revenge; +fixing, with suspicious dread, her dying eye upon a fellow-worm, +regardless of all that the Creator could threaten or bestow. Often did I +resolve to awaken her to her danger; but so profound<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[319]</a></span> seemed her +security, that my courage was unequal to the task. I did not, indeed, +deceive her with the language of hope, but I forbore, explicitly, to +express my fears; and with this concealment, so cowardly, so unfriendly, +so cruel, I shall never cease to reproach myself.</p> + +<p>It was, perhaps, for want of this very act of resolution, that I found +it impossible to rouse her to any serious examination of her own mind, +any alarming impressions of her condition as an accountable creature. +Having once settled it that I had been converted to methodism by Miss +Mortimer, she was as impenetrable to all that I could urge, as if the +name she gave to the speaker could have affected the nature and +importance of the truth spoken.</p> + +<p>My desertion was the sole object of her serious fears; her hopes all +centered in her little boy, or rather in the honours which she expected +him to attain. She was constantly urging me to find out some lawyer, +whom the love of justice, or the hope of future recompense, might induce +to undertake her cause. The ruin which her success was to bring upon one +whom I had once regarded as an enemy made me unwilling to take any part +in Miss Arnold's scheme; and my extreme dislike to asking favours +rendered me particularly averse to make the application she desired. At +last, weary of my delays, she herself undertook the business.</p> + +<p>As she was no longer able to walk abroad, the earnings of two entire +days were spent in conveying her to and from the chambers of an eminent +lawyer; but we forgot our wants and our toils together, when she +received a written opinion, that her claims were at least tenable.</p> + +<p>The exertion she had made was death to the unfortunate Juliet. Her cough +and fever increased to an alarming degree. Her sickly appetite revolted +from our homely meals; and every thing which I had the means to procure +was in turn rejected with loathing. That which at times she fancied +might be less distasteful was no sooner procured, sometimes with +difficulty enough, than it became offensive. The most unremitting +diligence, the most rigid self-denial, could not provide for the +caprices of the distempered palate; while the habits of indulgence, +uniting with the feebleness of disease, rendered even the trivial +disappointments of appetite important to poor Juliet. She would fret +like an infant over the want of that which I had not to give; and would +repeat again and again the wish which she knew could not be gratified. I +cannot boast that my temper was always proof against<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[320]</a></span> this chiding. +Sometimes I found safety in flight,—sometimes in the remembrance of +Miss Mortimer's patient suffering,—and in a heartfelt prayer, that my +life and my death might want every other comfort, rather than those +which had to the last supported the spirit of my friend.</p> + +<p>To all our other difficulties, a new cause of perplexity was suddenly +added. The toyman who purchased my work one evening informed me, that he +had an overstock of my baubles; and that unless I would greatly lower +their price, he could for the present employ me no more. I was +thunderstruck at this disaster. My earnings were already barely adequate +to our wants, therefore, to reduce my wretched gains, was to incur at +once all the real miseries of poverty. After my former experience in the +difficulty of procuring employment, the loss of my present one seemed +the sentence of ruin; and I, who should once have felt intolerable +hardship in one day of labour, could now foresee no greater misfortune +than idleness.</p> + +<p>I wandered home irresolute and disconsolate. I seemed burdened beyond my +strength, and felt the listless patience which succeeds a last vain +struggle. I entered my home with the heavy careless step of one who has +lost hope. My companion had sunk into a slumber; and as I watched her +peaceful insensibility, I almost wished that she might awaken no more.</p> + +<p>In such dark hours our departed sins ever return to haunt us. I +remembered the thoughtless profusion with which I had wasted the gifts +of fortune. I remembered that, with respect to every valuable purpose, +they had been bestowed upon me in vain. It was strictly just, that the +trust so abused should be entirely withdrawn; and, forgetful of all my +better prospects, I sunk into the despondence of one who feels the grasp +of inflexible, merciless justice. 'I will struggle with my fate no +more,' said I. 'I have deserved and will endure it patiently.' +Patiently! did I call it? Were my feelings those of one invited in a +course of steady endeavours to hope for a blessing, but forewarned that +this blessing might not wear the form of success? Did they not rather +resemble the sullen resignation of him who is thwarted by a resistless +adversary?</p> + +<p>A sentiment like this could not harbour long in a mind accustomed to +dwell upon the proofs of goodness unspeakable,—accustomed to commit its +cares to a Father's wisdom, to expect all its joys from a Father's love. +The hour came, the solemn hour, appointed perhaps to teach us at once +our dependence and our security, when, by the very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[321]</a></span> constitution of our +frame, all mortal being resigns itself into the hands of the Guardian +who slumbereth not;—when all mortal being is forced to commit its +possessions, its powers, to His care, in order to receive them renovated +from His bounty again. I know not how it is with others, but I cannot +help considering the helplessness of sleep as an invitation to cast +myself implicitly upon His protection; nor can I feel the healthful +vivacity of the waking hour, without receiving in it a pledge of His +patience and His love. The morning found me in peace and in hope, +although I was as little as ever able to devise the means of my escape +from penury.</p> + +<p>One scheme at last occurred to me, which nothing but dire necessity +could have suggested; and which, in spite of the bitter medicine I had +received, still gave me pain enough to indicate the original disease of +my mind. This scheme was, to request that our landlady would endeavour +to dispose of my work among the families by whom she was employed. +Though she must have guessed at my situation, it could only be partially +known to her; for I had always taken care to discharge her claims with +scrupulous punctuality; submitting to many a privation, rather than fail +to lay aside daily the pittance necessary to answer her weekly demand. +To tell her of my wants,—to commit the story of them to her +discretion,—to claim her aid in a traffic which I myself had been +accustomed to consider as only a more modest kind of begging,—was so +revolting to my feelings, that, had my own wants alone been in question, +the effort would never have been made, while they were any thing less +than intolerable. But I did not <i>dare</i> to resist the wants of Juliet, +for Juliet had wronged me. I could not resist them; for a series of +kindnesses, begun in a sense of duty, had awakened in my heart something +of its early affection towards her; and her melancholy decay of body and +of mind touched all that was compassionate in my nature.</p> + +<p>Yet I gladly recollected, that Mrs Campbell's absence would afford me +some hours of reprieve; and in the evening, the sound of her return made +my breath come short. Coldly and concisely I made my request, striving +the while for a look of unconcern. The request was cordially granted; +and the good woman proceeded to ask a hundred questions and +instructions; for she had none of that quick observation and instinctive +politeness which would have made my Highland friend instantly perceive +and avoid a painful subject. The only directions, however, which I was +inclined to give her, were to spare my name, and to use no solicitation. +Having prepared some toys, of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[322]</a></span> which the workmanship constituted almost +the sole value, I committed them to her charge.</p> + +<p>The first day, she brought back my poor merchandise undiminished; and, +in consequence, I was obliged to let the toyman take it at little more +than the price of the materials. The second, however, she was more +fortunate. She sold a little painted basket for more than the sum I had +expected it to bring; and conveyed to me, besides, a message from the +purchaser, desiring that I would undertake to paint a set of ornaments +for a chimney-piece. My satisfaction was somewhat damped by the lady's +making it a condition of her employing me, that I should receive her +directions in person. There was no room for hesitation, however, and I +was obliged to consent.</p> + +<p>Poor Juliet was childishly delighted with out good fortune. 'Now,' cried +she, 'I may have the glass of Burgundy and water that you have been +refusing me these two days.' For two days she had almost entirely +rejected the simple fare which I could offer, though day and night she +ceased not to complain that she was pining for the support which her +languid frame required; and this same glass of Burgundy and water was +constantly declared to be the only endurable form of sustenance, the +panacea which was instantly to cure all her ailments.</p> + +<p>'Indeed, Juliet,' said I, 'we must endeavour to think of something else +that you can take. All the money we have, excepting what must be paid +Mrs Campbell to-morrow, would not buy the smallest quantity of Burgundy +that is sold.'</p> + +<p>'I am sure Mrs Campbell would wait,' returned Juliet: 'she does not want +the money.'</p> + +<p>'But we have no right to make her wait, Juliet. The money is not ours +but hers. Besides, you know, we find it difficult to meet even our +regular expense, so that to recover from debt, would, I am sure, be +impossible.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, from such a small debt as that,—but I cannot expect that you +should inconvenience yourself for me. I have not deserved it from you. I +have no right to hope that you should care for my wants or my +sufferings,—only from pity to the poor infant at my breast.'</p> + +<p>Juliet shed tears, and continued to weep and to complain, till, unable +to resist, yet determined not to make a concession which I knew by +experience would be as useless as ruinous, I started up and quitted her +without reply. I left her for some time alone, in hopes that she would +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'recollet'">recollect</ins> the folly of her perseverance, or that her inclination might +wander to something more attainable. But when I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[323]</a></span> again opened the door, +her hand was upon the lock. 'Oh!' cried she, 'I thought you would never +come! Where is it?'</p> + +<p>'Dear Juliet,' said I, sickened with her obstinacy, 'you know you ask +impossibilities.'</p> + +<p>She had persuaded herself that she had prevailed; and the +disappointment, however trivial, was more than she could bear. She burst +into violent sobs, which by degrees increased into a sort of asthmatic +fit, seeming to threaten immediate dissolution. Fortunately the family +were not yet in bed; and medical assistance, though of the humblest +kind, was almost immediately procured. As soon as the fit was removed, +the apothecary's apprentice, or as Mrs Campbell called him, 'the +doctor,' administered to his patient an opiate, which was so effectual, +that she was still in a quiet sleep when the hour came for visiting my +new employer.</p> + +<p>My reluctance to this visit was almost forgotten in the anxiety +occasioned by the situation of poor Juliet. All night as I watched by +her bed-side, I had half doubted the virtue of my resistance to her +wishes, and thought I would sacrifice any thing rather than again +exercise such hazardous fortitude. My blood ran cold at the thought that +I had nearly been in some sort the means of hurrying her to her great +account; an account for which she seemed, alas! so miserably unprepared. +The danger she had just escaped increased the anxiety which I had long +felt to obtain medical advice for her; and seemed to make it a moral +duty that I should no longer trust to my own unskilful management, that +which was so unspeakably important, and so lamentably frail. But the +means of purchasing advice were beyond my reach; and the thought of +procuring it in a manner more suitable to my condition had been often +dismissed as too humbling to bear consideration.</p> + +<p>My new employment now offered hopes of obtaining the assistance so much +desired. But the accomplishments of these hopes must of necessity be +distant, while Juliet's situation was no longer such as to admit of +delay. The only way of escaping from this perplexity was one to which I +felt extreme repugnance. This was, to request that the lady for whom I +was to paint the ornaments would advance part of the price of my work.</p> + +<p>I know not why I was so averse to make this request. Surely I was not so +silly as to be ashamed of poverty, nor weak enough to feel my +self-estimation lessened by the absence of that which could never be +considered as part of myself, but only of my outward situation!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[324]</a></span> +Besides, whatever disgrace might rest upon a petition for charity, no +shame could reasonably attach to a fair demand upon the price +voluntarily offered for my labour. Though in spite of these, and many +other reasonable considerations, my averseness to this request remained +in full force, I never exactly discovered the grounds of it; because +experience had taught me, that when duty is ascertained to lie on one +side, it is better to omit all consideration of what might be said on +the other. Now, as it was certainly my duty, however painful, to procure +assistance for poor Juliet, it would have been imprudent to pry into the +reasons which might disincline me to the task.</p> + +<p>All this, with a hundred anticipations of success and of disappointment, +passed through my mind as I proceeded towards the place of my +destination. I was shown into the presence of an elderly lady of very +prepossessing appearance. The consistent, unaffected gravity of her +dress, air, and demeanour, claimed the respect due to her age, while her +benevolent countenance and gracious manner seemed to offer the +indulgence which youth requires. She received me with more than +courtesy; and entered into conversation with an ease which quickly made +me forget what was embarrassing in my visit. I soon perceived that our +favourable impressions were mutual; and was at no loss to account for +this good fortune on my part, when the lady hinted that she had borrowed +her sentiments from the grateful Mrs Campbell.</p> + +<p>It was not until near the close of a long interview that she contrived, +with a delicacy which spared the jealous sensibility of dependence, to +give directions for the work which she expected me to do; and to make me +understand that she would willingly proportion the recompense to the +labour bestowed. But the more her politeness invited me to respect +myself, the more painful became the thought of sinking at once from an +equal to a suppliant; and as the moment approached when the effort must +be made, my spirits forsook me. I became absent and embarrassed. I +hesitated; and half persuaded myself, that I had no right to tax the +kindness of a stranger. Then I remembered Juliet's extreme danger, the +scene which was still before my eyes, her frightful struggles for +breath, the deadly exhaustion which followed; and it seemed as if my +humiliation would scarcely cost me an effort. 'There is a favour,'—I +began; but when I met the enquiring eye, I hastily withdrew mine; the +scorching blood rushed to my cheeks; and I stood abashed and silent.</p> + +<p>'You were going to say something,' said the lady. I stammered I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[325]</a></span> know +not what. She took my hand with the kind familiarity of a friend. 'I +wish,' said she, in a voice of gentle solicitude, 'that I could make you +forget the shortness of our acquaintance. It is hard that you should +think of me as a stranger, while I feel as if I had known you from your +cradle.'</p> + +<p>The voice of kindness has ever found instant access to my heart; yet it +was not gratitude alone which filled my eyes with tears as I uttered my +confused reply. 'Oh, you are good—I see that you are good,' said I; +'and I know I ought not to feel—I ought not to give way to—but not +even extreme necessity could have——'</p> + +<p>I stopped; but the lady's purse was already in her hand. 'If I dared,' +said she, 'I could chide you well; for I fear you are one of those who +will scarcely accept the bounty of Providence if He administer it by any +hand but his own. Try to receive this trifle as if it came directly from +Himself.'</p> + +<p>I now quickly recovered my powers of speech, while I assured the lady +that she had mistaken my meaning, and explained to her the favour which +I had really intended to ask. Then, recollecting the justice of her +reproof, 'Yes, chide me as you will,' said I; 'I have not deserved so +gentle a monitor. I deserve to be severely reminded of the humility with +which every gift of Heaven ought to be received by one who has so often +forfeited them all.'</p> + +<p>The lady, who seemed perfectly to understand the character with which +she had to do, now frankly bestowed the assistance asked, and delicately +offered no more. As I was taking my leave, she enquired my address; +adding, that she believed Mrs Campbell had neglected to mention my name. +Again I felt my face glow; but I had seen my error, and would not +persist in it. 'No, madam,' said I, 'a blamable weakness made me +desirous to conceal my name; but you are not one of those who will think +the worse of Ellen Percy because she contributes to her own support.'</p> + +<p>'Percy!' repeated the lady, as if struck with some sudden recollection. +'But I think Mrs Campbell mentioned that you had no connections in +Scotland.'</p> + +<p>'None, madam; scarcely even an acquaintance.'</p> + +<p>'Then,' said the lady, 'it must be another person for whom my friend is +enquiring so assiduously.'</p> + +<p>I would fain have asked who this friend was; but the lady did not +explain herself, and I was obliged to depart without gratifying my +curiosity. That curiosity, however, presently gave way to stronger<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[326]</a></span> +interests. It was now in my power to obtain a real benefit for poor +Juliet. As for the morbid inclination which had cost her so dear, I +found it fixed upon a new trifle, which was soon procured, and as soon +rejected. But I could now obtain medical advice for her, and I did not +delay to use the advantage; though she was herself so insensible to her +danger that she was with difficulty brought to consent that a physician +should be called. Recollecting the person to whom I owed my escape from +the most horrible of confinements, and naturally preferring his +attendance to that of a stranger, I sent to request his presence; and he +immediately obeyed the summons.</p> + +<p>I watched his countenance and manner as he interrogated his poor +patient, and could easily perceive that he judged the case hopeless; +while she evidently tried to mislead him, as she had deceived herself, +retracting or qualifying the statement of every symptom which he +appeared to think unfavourable. At the close of his visit, I quitted the +room with him. He had written no prescription; and I enquired whether he +had no directions to give. 'None,' said he, hastening to be gone, +'except to let her do as she pleases.' I offered him the customary fee. +'No, no, child,' said he; 'it is needless to throw away both my time and +your money; either of them is enough to lose.'</p> + +<p>Strong as had been my conviction of the danger, I was shocked at this +unequivocal opinion. 'Oh, sir!' cried I, 'can nothing be done?'</p> + +<p>'Nothing in the world, my dear,' said he, carelessly: 'all the +physicians in Europe could not keep her alive a week.'</p> + +<p>Our melancholy dialogue was interrupted by a noise as of somebody +falling to the ground. I sprung back into the passage, and found Juliet +lying senseless on the floor. Some apprehension excited by Dr ——'s +manner had induced her to steal from her apartment, and listen to our +conversation. The intelligence thus obtained she had not fortitude to +bear. She recovered from her insensibility, only to give way to the most +pitiable anguish. She wept aloud, and wrung her wasted hands in agony. +'Oh, I shall die! I shall die!' she cried; and she continued to repeat +this mournful cry, as if all the energies of her mind could furnish only +one frightful thought. In vain did I attempt to console her; in vain +endeavour to lead towards a better world the hope which was driven from +its rest below. To all sights and sounds she was already dead. At last +exhausted nature could struggle with its burden no more; and the cries +of despair, and the sobs of weakness, sunk by degrees into the moanings +of an unquiet slumber. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[327]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVII" id="CHAPTER_XXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXVII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>A chieftain's daughter seemed the maid.</i><br /> +</p> +<h5 class="veryspaced"> — — — — — — — —</h5> +<p class="poem"> +<i>And seldom o'er a breast so fair<br /> +Mantled a plaid with modest care;<br /> +And never brooch the folds confined<br /> +Above a heart more good and kind.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Walter Scott.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>In the morning, when I opened my eyes, Juliet was so peacefully still, +that I listened doubtfully for her breathing; and felt myself relieved +by the certainly that she was alive. I was astonished to find that she +was awake, though so composed; and was wondering at this unaccountable +change, when she suddenly asked me whether Dr —— was reckoned a man of +any skill in his profession? 'for,' said she, 'he seemed to know nothing +at all of my disorder, except what he learnt from myself; so most likely +he mistakes it altogether.' Shocked to see her thus obstinately cling to +the broken reed, yet wanting courage to wrest it from her hold, I +entreated her to consider that it would not add to the justice of Dr +——'s fears, if she should act as though they were well founded; nor +shorten her life, if she should hasten to accomplish whatever she would +wish to perform ere its close. She was silent for a little; then, with a +deep sigh, 'You are right,' said she. 'Sit down, and I will dictate a +letter, which you shall write, to my brother.'</p> + +<p>I obeyed; and she began to dictate with wonderful precision a letter, in +which she detailed the opinion of her counsel; named the persons who +could evidence her claims; and dexterously appealed to the ruling +passion of Mr Arnold, by reminding him, that if he could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[328]</a></span> establish the +legitimacy of his nephew, he must, in case of Lord Glendower's death, +become the natural guardian of a youth possessed of five-and-twenty +thousand pounds a year. Who could observe without a sigh, that, while +with a sort of instinctive tact she addressed herself to the faults of +others, she remained in melancholy blindness to her own; and that the +transient strength which the morning restored to her mind, could not +reach her more than childish improvidence in regard to her most +important concerns? But her powers were soon exhausted; before the +letter was finished, her thoughts wandered, and she lay for some hours +as if in a sort of waking dream.</p> + +<p>How little do they know of a death-bed who have seen it only in the +graceful pictures of fiction! How little do they guess the ghastly +horrors of sudden dissolution, the humiliating weakness of slow decay! +Paint them even from the life, and much remains to tell which no +spectator can record, much which no language can unfold. 'Oh, who that +could see thee thus,' thought I, as I looked upon the languid, +inexpressive countenance of the once playful Juliet,—'who that could +see thee thus, would defer to an hour like this, the hard task of +learning to die with decency?'</p> + +<p>I was sitting by the bed-side of my companion, supporting with one hand +her poor deserted baby, and making with the other an awkward attempt to +sketch designs for the ornaments which I had undertaken to paint, when +the door was gently opened; and the lady for whom I was employed +entered, followed by another, whose appearance instantly fixed my +attention. Her stature was majestic; her figure of exquisite proportion. +Her complexion, though brunette, was admirably transparent; and her +colour, though perhaps too florid for a sentimental eye, glowed with the +finest tints of health. Her black eyebrows, straight but flexible, +approached close to a pair of eyes so dark and sparkling, that their +colour was undistinguishable. No simile in oriental poetry could +exaggerate the regularity and whiteness of her teeth; nor painter's +dream of Euphrosyne exceed the arch vivacity of her smile. Perhaps a +critic might have said that her figure was too large, and too angular +for feminine beauty; that it was finely, but not delicately formed. Even +I could have wished the cheek-bones depressed, the contour somewhat +rounded, and the lines made more soft and flowing. But Charlotte Graham +had none of that ostentation of beauty which provokes the gazer to +criticise.</p> + +<p>Her face, though too handsome to be a common one, struck me at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[329]</a></span> first +sight as one not foreign to my acquaintance. When her companion named +her, I recollected my friend Cecil; and there certainly was a family +likeness between these relations, although the latter was a short +square-built personage, with no great pretensions to beauty. The +expressions of the two countenances were more dissimilar than the +features. Cecil's was grave, penetrating, and, considering her age and +sex, severe; Miss Graham's was arch, frank, and animated. Yet there was +in the eye of both a keen sagacity, which seemed accustomed to look +beyond the words of the speaker to his motive.</p> + +<p>The deep mourning which Miss Graham wore accounted to me for the cast of +sorrow which often crossed a face formed by nature to far different +expression. Her manners had sufficient freedom to banish restraint, and +sufficient polish to make that freedom graceful; yet for me they +possessed an interesting originality. They were polite, but not +fashionable; they were courtly, but not artificial. They were perfectly +affable, and as free from arrogance as those of a doubting lover; yet in +her mien, in her gait, in every motion, in every word, Miss Graham +showed the unsubdued majesty of one who had never felt the presence of a +superior; of one much accustomed to grant, but not to solicit +indulgence.</p> + +<p>Such were the impressions which I had received, almost as soon as Miss +Graham's companion, with a polite apology for their intrusion, had +introduced her to me by name. I was able to make the necessary +compliment without any breach of sincerity; for feebler attractions +would have interested me in the person with whom Cecil had already made +me so well acquainted. But when Miss Graham spoke, her voice alone must +have won any hearer.</p> + +<p>'If Miss Percy excuses us,' said she in tones, which, in spite of the +lively imperative accents of her country, were sweetness itself, 'my +conscience will be quite at rest, for I am persuaded it is with her that +my business lies. No two persons could answer the description.'</p> + +<p>'You may remember,' said her companion, smiling at my surprised and +inquisitive look, 'I yesterday mentioned a friend who was in search of a +young lady of your name. We are now in hopes that her search ends in +you; and this must be our apology for a great many impertinent +questions.'</p> + +<p>'Oh no,' said Miss Graham, 'one will be sufficient. Suffer me only to +ask who were your parents.'</p> + +<p>I answered the question readily and distinctly. 'Then,' said Miss<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[330]</a></span> +Graham, with a smile, which at once made its passage to my heart, 'I +have the happiness to bring you a pleasant little surprise. My brother +has been so fortunate as to recover a debt due to Mr Percy. He has +transmitted it hither; and Sir William Forbes will honour your draft for +1500<i>l.</i>'</p> + +<p>There are persons who will scarcely believe that I at first heard this +intelligence with little joy. 'Alas!' thought I, looking at poor Juliet, +'it has come too late.' But recollecting that I was not the less +indebted to the kindness of my benefactors, I turned to Miss Graham, and +offered, as I could, my warm acknowledgments. Miss Graham assured me, +with looks which evinced sincerity, that she was already more than +repaid for the service she had rendered me; and prevented further +thanks, by proceeding in her explanation.</p> + +<p>'My brother,' said she, 'traced you to the house of a Miss Mortimer and +from thence to Edinburgh; but here he lost you; and being himself at a +distance, he commissioned me to search for you. I received some +assistance from a very grateful <i>protegée</i> of yours and mine, whom I +dare say you recollect by the name of Cecil Graham. She directed me to +the Boswells; but they pretended to know nothing of you: so I came to +town a few days ago, very much at a loss how to proceed, though +determined not to see Glen Eredine again till I found you.'</p> + +<p>'And is it possible,' exclaimed I, 'that I have indeed excited such +generous interest in strangers?'</p> + +<p>'Call me stranger, if you will,' said Miss Graham, 'provided you allow +that the name gives me a right to a kind reception. But do you include +my brother under that title? I am sure the description he has given of +you shows that he is, at least, well acquainted with your appearance.'</p> + +<p>'The dimple and the black eyelashes tally exactly,' said her companion. +'And I could swear to the smile,' returned Miss Graham. 'Nevertheless,' +said I, 'it is only from the praises of his admirer, Cecil, that I know +Mr Kenneth Graham, to whom I presume I am so much indebted.'</p> + +<p>The playful smile, the bright hues of health, vanished from Charlotte's +face; and her eyes filled with tears, 'No,' said she, 'it is not to——' +She paused, as if to utter the name had been an effort beyond her +fortitude. 'It is Mr Henry Graham,' said her companion, as if to spare +her the pain of explanation, 'who has been so fortunate as to do you +this service.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[331]</a></span></p> + +<p>I know not exactly why, but my heart beat quicker at this intelligence. +I had listened so often to Cecil's prophecies, and omens, and good +wishes, that I believe I felt a foolish kind of consciousness at the +name of this Henry Graham, and the mention of my obligation to him.</p> + +<p>'Have you no recollection then of ever having met with Henry?' enquired +Miss Graham, recovering herself.</p> + +<p>I rubbed my forehead and did my very utmost; but was obliged to confess +that it was all in vain. The rich Miss Percy had been so accustomed to +crowds of attending beaux, that my eye might have been familiar with his +appearance, while his name was unknown to me.</p> + +<p>'Well,' said Miss Graham, 'I can vouch for the possibility of +remembering you for ever after a very transient interview; and when you +know Henry better, I dare say you will not forget him.'</p> + +<p>We now talked of our mutual acquaintance, Cecil; which led Miss Graham +to comment upon the peculiar manners of her countrymen, and upon the +contrast which they offered to those of the Lowland Scotch. Though her +conversation upon this, and other subjects, betrayed no marks of +extraordinary culture, it discovered a native sagacity, a quickness and +accuracy of observation, which I have seldom found surpassed. Her visit +was over before I guessed that it had lasted nearly two hours; and so +great were her attractions, so delightful seemed the long untasted +pleasures of equal and friendly converse, that I thought less of the +unexpected news which she had brought me, than of the hour which she +fixed for her return.</p> + +<p>My thoughts, indeed, no sooner turned towards my newly acquired riches, +than I perceived that they could not, with any shadow of justice, be +called mine; and that they in truth belonged to those who had suffered +by the misfortunes of my father. I therefore resolved to forget that the +money was within my reach; and to labour as I should have done, had no +kind friend intended my relief. Still this did not lessen my sense of +obligation; and gratitude enlivened the curiosity which often turned my +speculations towards Henry Graham. Once as I kept my solitary watch over +Juliet's heavy unrefreshing slumbers, I thought I recollected hearing +her, and some of our mutual acquaintance, descant upon the graces of an +Adonis, who, for one night, had shone the meteor of the fashionable +hemisphere, and then been seen no more. I had been present at his +appearance, but too much occupied with Lord Frederick to observe the +wonder. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[332]</a></span> afterwards endeavoured to make Juliet assist my recollection; +but her memory no longer served even for much more important affairs; +and all my efforts ended at last in retouching the pictures which I had +accustomed myself to embody of this same Henry Graham. I imaged him with +more than his sister's dignity of form and gesture,—with all her +regularity of feature, and somewhat of her national squareness of +contour;—with all the vivacity and intelligence of her countenance, +strengthened into masculine spirit and sagacity;—with the eye which +Cecil had described, as able to quell even the sallies of frenzy;—with +the smile which his sister could send direct to the heart. At +Charlotte's next visit, I obliged her to describe her brother; and I had +guessed so well, that she only improved my picture, by adding some +minuter strokes to the likeness.</p> + +<p>At the same time she removed all my scruples in regard to appropriating +the sum which he had obtained for me, by assuring me, that he had +undertaken the recovery of the debt only upon this express condition, +that half the amount should belong to me; and that to this condition the +creditors had readily consented.</p> + +<p>The possession of this little fortune soon became a real blessing; for +Juliet's increasing helplessness loaded my time with a burden which +almost precluded other labour. She was emaciated to a degree which made +stillness and motion alike painful to her; a restless desire of change +seemed the only human feeling which the hand of death had not already +palsied; and a childish sense of her dependence upon me was the sole +wreck of human affection which her decay had spared. Even the fear of +death subsided into the listless acquiescence of necessity. Yet no +nobler solicitudes seemed to replace the waning interests of this life. +Feeble as it was, her mind yet retained the inexplicable power to +exclude thoughts of overwhelming force.</p> + +<p>I had seen the inanity of her life; I had alas! shared in her mad +neglect of all the serious duties, of all the best hopes of man; and I +did not dare to see her die in this portentous lethargy of soul. At +every short revival of her strength, or transient clearness of her +intellect, I spoke to her of all which I most desired to impress upon +her mind. At first she answered me by tears and complainings, then by a +listless silence; nor did better success attend the efforts of persons +more skilled in rousing the sleeping conscience. The eloquence of friend +and pastor was alike unavailing to extort one tear of genuine penitence; +for the energy was wanting, without which a prophet might have smitten +the rock in vain.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[333]</a></span></p> + +<p>I must have been more or less than human, could my spirits have resisted +the influence of a scene so dreary as a death-chamber without hope; yet +when I saw my companion sinking to an untimely grave, closing a life +without honour in a death without consolation; when I remembered that we +had begun our career of folly together,—that, from equal wanderings, I +had alone been restored,—from equal shipwrecks, I had alone escaped,—I +felt that I had reason to mingle strong gratitude for what I was, with +deep humiliation for what I might have been!</p> + +<p>It was not that I became sensible of the treasure which I had found in +Charlotte Graham. Taught by experience, I had at first yielded with +caution to the attraction of her manners; and often (though in her +absence only I must own) remembered with a sigh how many other qualities +must conspire to fit the companion for the friend. But now, when she +daily forsook admiration, and gaiety, and elegance, to share with me the +cares of a sick-chamber, I daily felt the benefits of her piety, +discretion, and sweetness of temper; and a friendship began, which, I +trust, will outlast our lives.</p> + +<p>Although she had too much of the politeness of good feeling to hint an +expectation that I should forsake my unhappy charge, she constantly +spoke of my visiting Castle Eredine, as of a pleasure which she could +not bear to leave in uncertainty; and she detailed plans for our +employments, for our studies, for our excursions among her native hills, +with a minuteness which showed how much the subject occupied her mind. +All her plans bore a constant reference to Glen Eredine. They were +incapable of completion elsewhere. My lessons on the harp were to be +given under the rock of echoes,—in a certain cave she was to teach me +the songs of Selma,—we were to climb Benarde together,—from +Dorch'thalla we were to sketch the lake beyond, with all its mountain +shadows on its breast; while the rocks, which a nameless torrent had +severed from the cliff, and the roots which, with emblematic constancy, +had still clung to them in their fall, were to furnish fore-grounds +unequalled in the tameness of Lowland scenery.</p> + +<p>To all the objects round her native vale, Charlotte's imagination seemed +to lend a kind of vitality. She loved them as I should have loved an +animated being; and the more characteristic, or, as I should then have +expressed it, the more savage they were, the stronger seemed their hold +on her affection. I like a little innocent prejudice, so long as it does +not thwart my own. I verily believe, that Charlotte<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[334]</a></span> would have thought +Glen Eredine insulted by a comparison to the vale of Tempe. She often +spoke with enthusiastic respect of her father, whom she had left at +Castle Eredine; and with so much solicitude of the blank which her +absence would occasion to him, that I could not help wondering why she +delayed her return. She never mentioned any business that might detain +her; and amusement could not be her bribe, for her time was chiefly +spent in my melancholy dwelling.</p> + +<p>Our cheerless task, however, at length was closed. By a change scarcely +perceptible to us, Juliet passed from the lethargy of exhausted life to +deeper and more solemn repose. I felt the intermitting pulse,—I watched +the failing breath; yet so gradual and so complete was her decay, that I +knew not the moment of her departure. All suffering she was spared; for +suffering would, to human apprehension, have been useless to her. I did +not commit her remains to the cares of a stranger. The hand of a friend +composed her for her last repose; the tears of a friend dropped upon her +clay; but they were not the tears of sorrow. Poor Juliet! Less ingenuity +than that which led thee through a degraded life to an unlamented grave +would have procured for thee the best which this world has to give, an +unmolested passage to a better.</p> + +<p>Two days after her death, I received from her brother a promise of +protection to the heir of Lord Glendower, and permission, in case of +that event, to send the boy to his uncle, together with the pledges of +legitimacy, which constituted his sole hold upon the justice or +compassion of Mr Arnold. Fortunately for the poor infant, the question +upon which depended the tender cares of his uncle was decided in his +favour. Juliet's marriage was sanctioned; and though her death left Lord +Glendower at liberty to repair, in some sort, the injury which he had +done to Lady Maria, the rights of his first-born son could not be +transferred to the children of his more regular marriage.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[335]</a></span></p><p>When my cares were no longer necessary to my ill-fated companion, I +yielded to the kind persuasions of Miss Graham; and suffered her to +introduce me to whatever was most worthy of observation in a city which I +had as yet so imperfectly seen. Our mornings were generally spent in +examining the town or its environs; our evenings in a kind of society +which I had till now known only in detached specimens; a society in which +there was every thing to delight, though nothing to astonish,—much good +manners, and therefore little singularity,—general information, and +therefore little pedantry,—much good taste, and therefore little +notoriety. I could no longer complain that the ladies were inaccessible. +Introduced by Miss Graham, I was every where received with more than +courtesy; and I, who a few weeks before could scarcely obtain permission +to earn a humble subsistence, was now overwhelmed with a hospitality +which scarcely left me the command of an hour.</p> + +<p>And now I was again assailed by the temptation which had formerly +triumphed unresisted. There is no place on earth where beauty is more +surely made dangerous to its possessor; and Charlotte and I could +scarcely have attracted more attention, had we appeared mounted upon +elephants. But I had lost my taste for admiration. I disliked the +constant watchfulness which it imposed upon me; and its pleasures poorly +compensated the pain of upbraiding myself the next moment with my folly +in being so pleased. As to open compliment, it cost me an effort to +answer it with good humour. 'The man suspects that I am vain,' thought +I, as often as I was so addressed; and the suspicion was too near truth +to be forgiven. The only real satisfaction which I derived from the +preposterous homage paid to me, arose from the new light in which it +displayed the generous nature of Charlotte Graham. Yes; trifles serve to +display a great mind; and there was true generosity in the graceful +willingness with which Charlotte, at a time of life when the +precariousness of attentions begin to give them value, withdrew from +competition with a rival inferior to her in every charm which is not +affected by seven years difference of age.</p> + +<p>Upon the whole, nothing could be more agreeably amusing, than my +residence in Edinburgh; and the contrast of my late confinement +heightened pleasure to delight. From the time of Lady Glendower's death, +it had been settled that I was to accompany Charlotte to Glen Eredine; +but I must own that I felt no inclination to hasten our departure. +Without once uttering a word, which could place the delay to my account, +Miss Graham deferred our departure from day to day. Yet some involuntary +look or expression constantly betrayed to me, that her heart was in Glen +Eredine.</p> + +<p>'Ah, that very sun is setting behind Benarde!' said she with a sigh, one +evening when, from a promenade such as no other city can present, we +were contemplating a gorgeous sunset.</p> + +<p>'One would imagine by that sigh, Charlotte,' said I smiling, 'that you +and some dear friend not far from Benarde had made an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[336]</a></span> appointment to +watch the setting sun together.'</p> + +<p>'There's a flight!' cried she laughing. 'No am I sure, that such a fancy +would never have entered your mind, if you had not been in love. Come; +look me in the face, and let me catechise you.'</p> + +<p>'Not guilty, upon my honour.'</p> + +<p>'Humph! This does look very like a face of innocence, I confess. But +stay till you know Henry. Let me see how you will stand examination +then.'</p> + +<p>'Just as I do now, I promise you. I ought to have been in love long ago, +if the thing had been possible.'</p> + +<p>'Ought? Pray what might impose the duty upon you?'</p> + +<p>'The regard of one of the best and wisest of mankind, Charlotte. It was +once my fate to draw the attention of your countryman,—the generous, +the eloquent Mr Maitland.'</p> + +<p>I saw Miss Graham start; but she remained silent. 'You must have heard +of him?' continued I; but at that moment, casting my eyes upon +Charlotte, I saw her blush painfully. 'You know him then,' said I.</p> + +<p>'Yes I—I do,' answered she hesitatingly; and walked on, in a profound +reverie.</p> + +<p>A long silence followed; for Charlotte's blushes and abstraction had +told me a tale in which I could not be uninterested. I perceived that +her acquaintance with Maitland, however slight, had been sufficient to +fix her affections on a spirit so congenial to her own. 'Well, well,' +thought I, 'they will meet one day or other; and he will find out that +she likes him, and the discovery will cost him trouble enough to make it +worth something. She will devote herself willingly to love and solitude, +which is just what he wishes, and I dare say they will be very happy. +Men can be happy with any body. And yet Maitland hates beauties; and +Miss Graham certainly is a beauty.' However, when I threw a glance upon +Charlotte, I thought I had never seen her look so little handsome; for +it must be confessed that the lover must be more than indifferent, whom +his old mistress can willingly resign to a new one.</p> + +<p>I soon, however, began to reproach myself with the uneasiness to which I +was subjecting the generous friend to whom I owed such varied forms of +kindness. But the difficulty was, how I should return to the subject +which we had quitted; for, in spite of the frankness of Charlotte's +manners, my freedom with her had limits which were impassable. When she +had once indicated the point upon which she would not be touched, I +dared not even to approach it. The silence,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[337]</a></span> therefore, continued till +she interrupted it by saying, 'You are offended with me, Ellen, and you +have reason to be so; for I put a question which no friend has a right +to ask.'</p> + +<p>'Dear Charlotte,' returned I, 'surely you have a right to expect from me +any confidence that you will accept; and I shall most readily——'</p> + +<p>'No,' interrupted Miss Graham, 'such questions as mine ought neither to +be asked nor answered. If an attachment is fortunate, it is to be +supposed that the event will soon publish it; if not, the confession is +a degradation to which no human being has a right to subject another.'</p> + +<p>'Well,' thought I, 'this is very intelligible, and I shall take care not +to trespass. But I will not keep thy generous heart in pain. Cost what +it will, thou shalt know that thou hast nothing to fear from me.' It was +more easy to resolve than to execute; and I felt my cheek glow with +blushes, more, I fear, of pride than modesty, while I struggled to +relieve the anxiety of my friend. 'Nay, Charlotte,' said I, 'you must +listen to a confession, which is humbling enough, though not exactly of +the kind you allude to. I must do Mr Maitland the justice to say, that +he never put it in my power to reject him. He saw that I was no fit wife +for him; and, at the very moment of confessing his weakness, he +renounced it for ever. Do not look incredulous. It is not a pretty face, +nor even the noble fortune I then expected, that could bribe Maitland to +marry a heartless, unprincipled ——. Thanks be to Heaven that I am +changed—greatly changed. But I assure you, Charlotte, I have not now +the slightest reason to believe myself any bar to your—to Mr Maitland's +happiness with some—some—with somebody who has not my unlucky +incapacity for being in love.'</p> + +<p>To this confession, Miss Graham answered only by affectionately pressing +my hand; and then escaped from the subject, by turning from me to speak +to a passing acquaintance. From that time Charlotte, though in other +points perfectly confiding, spoke no more of Maitland; and I must own, +that my respect for her was increased by her reserve upon a topic +prohibited alike by delicacy and discretion. We had indeed no need of +boarding-school confidences to enliven our intercourse. Each eager for +improvement and for information, we had been so differently educated, +that each had much to communicate and to learn. Our views of common +subjects were different enough to keep conversation from stagnating; +while our accordance upon more important points formed a lasting bond +of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[338]</a></span> union. Whoever understands the delights of a kitten and a cork, may +imagine that I was at times no bad companion: and Charlotte was +peculiarly fitted for a friend; for she had sound principles, +unconquerable sweetness of temper, sleepless discretion, and a +politeness which followed her into the homeliest scenes of domestic +privacy.</p> + +<p>How often, as her character unfolded itself, did I wonder what strange +fatality had forbidden Maitland to return the affection of a woman so +formed to satisfy his fastidious judgment. But I was forced to wonder in +silence. Charlotte, open as day on every other theme, was here as +impenetrable, as unapproachable, as virgin dignity could make her. +Notwithstanding the recency of our friendship, it was already strong +enough to render every other interest mutual; and Charlotte easily drew +from me the little story of my life and sentiments, while I listened +with insatiable curiosity, to the accounts she gave me of her home, of +her family, and, above all, of her brother Henry.</p> + +<p>This was a theme in which she seemed very willing to indulge me. She +spoke of him frequently; and the passages which she read to me from his +letters often made me remember with a sigh that I had no brother. He +seemed to address her as a friend, as an equal; and yet with the +tenderness which difference of sex imposes upon a man of right feeling. +She was his almoner. Through her he transmitted many a humble comfort to +his native valley; and though he had been so many years an alien, he was +astonishingly minute and skilful in the direction of his benevolence. He +appeared to be acquainted with the character and situation of an +incredible number of his clansmen; and the interest and authority with +which he wrote of them seemed little less than patriarchal. Though I +must own that his commands were not always consonant to English ideas of +liberty, they seemed uniformly dictated by the spirit of disinterested +justice and humanity; and Graham, in exercising almost the control of an +absolute prince, was guided by the feelings of a father.</p> + +<p>Though Glen Eredine seemed the passion of his soul,—though every letter +was full of the concerns of his clansmen,—there was nothing theatrical +in his plans for their interest or improvement. They were minute and +practicable, rather than magnificent. No whole communities were to be +hurried into civilisation, nor districts depopulated by way of +improvement; but some encouragement was to be given to the schoolmaster; +Bibles were to be distributed to his best<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[339]</a></span> scholars; or Henry would +account to his father for the rent of a tenant, who, with his own hands, +had reclaimed a field from rock and broom; or, at his expense, the new +cottages were to be plastered, and furnished with doors and sashed +windows. The execution of these humble plans was, for the present, +committed to Charlotte; and the details which she gave me concerning +them described a mode of life so oddly compounded of refinement and +simplicity, that curiosity somewhat balanced my regret in leaving +Edinburgh.</p> + +<p>On a fine morning in September we began our journey; and though I was +accompanied by all on earth I had to love, and though I was leaving what +had been to me the scene of severe suffering, I could not help looking +back with watery eyes upon a place which perhaps no traveller, uncertain +of return, ever quitted without a sigh. +</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[340]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVIII" id="CHAPTER_XXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXVIII</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>——Every good his native wilds impart<br /> +Imprints the patriot passion on his heart;<br /> +And even those hills that round his mansion rise<br /> +Enhance the bliss his scanty fund supplies.<br /> +Dear is that shed to which his soul conforms;<br /> +And dear that hill which lifts him to the storms.<br /> +And as a babe, when scaring sounds molest,<br /> +Clings close and closer to the mother's breast,<br /> +So the loud torrent, and the whirlwind's roar,<br /> +But bind him to his native mountains more.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Goldsmith.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>During our first day's journey, the road lay through a country so rich +and so level, that but for the deep indenting of the horizon, I could +have fancied myself in England. 'That would be thought a fine park even +in my country,' said I, as we were passing a princely place. 'Ah, stay +till you see the parks of Eredine!' said Charlotte.<a name="FNanchor_20_20" id="FNanchor_20_20"></a><a href="#Footnote_20_20" class="fnanchor">[20]</a> It is not to be +told what superb conceptions I formed of these same parks of Eredine; +for my companion did not enter on the description. I thought Blenheim +was to be a paddock compared with them!</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[341]</a></span></p> + +<p>Towards evening, the mountains which had once seemed as soft in the +distance as the clouds which rested on them, began to be marked by the +grey lights on the rock, and the deep shadows of the ravine. The morning +brought a complete change of scene. Corn fields and massive foliage had +given place to dull heath, varied only by streaks of verdure, which +betrayed a sheep-track or the path of a nameless rill; while here and +there, a solitary birch 'shivered in silvery brightness.' The hill, +climbed long and painfully, rewarded us with no change of prospect; and +the short descent was immediately succeeded by a more tedious climb.</p> + +<p>At last, in a narrow valley, which by contrast looked rich and inviting, +we beheld traces of human habitation; and the change of garb, of +countenance, and of accommodation, announced that we were now, as +Charlotte said, in her 'unconquered country.'—'The Roman,' said she, +'when he had bowed "the sons of little men" to the dust, was forced to +shrink behind his ramparts from the valour of <i><ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'out'">our</ins></i> fathers.'</p> + +<p>I own that I was somewhat confused between my own perceptions and the +enthusiasm of my companion. Her eyes flashing through tears of joy, she +shook me triumphantly by the hand. 'You are welcome to the Highlands!' +cried she; 'to the land where never friend found a traitor, nor enemy a +coward!'</p> + +<p>In spite of this burst of <i>amor partiæ</i>, we were still almost a day's +journey from Charlotte's native place. The mountains had become more +precipitous, and the valleys more clothed, when my companion pointed out +the spot where we were to dine; and intimated, that we must there +exchange our carriage for a mode of conveyance better suited to the way +which lay before us.</p> + +<p>The exterior of our inn was certainly none of the most inviting. The +walls, composed of turf and loose stones, were too low to prevent me +from plucking the hare-bells which grew on the top of them; and the +thatch, varied with every hue of moss and lichen, was more to be admired +for picturesque effect, than for any more useful <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[342]</a></span>quality of a roof. The +chimney-crag seemed composed of the wreck of what had once been a tub; +the hoops of which, having yielded to the influence of time and the +seasons, were rather imperfectly supplied by bands of twisted heath. The +hut was, however, distinguished from its fellow hovels, by a sashed +window on one side of the door, a most incondite picture of a bottle and +glass on the other, and a stone lintel, bearing, in characters of no +modern shape, the following inscription:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +16..W.M.T. Pilgrims we be ilk ane, M.M.B...07.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">That passen and are gane;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Then here sall pilgrim be</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Welcom'd wi' courtesie.</span><br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Before we could draw up to the door of this superb hotel<a name="FNanchor_21_21" id="FNanchor_21_21"></a><a href="#Footnote_21_21" class="fnanchor">[21]</a>, it poured +forth a swarm of children, more numerous than I could have thought it +possible for such a place to contain. I was prepared to expect the +savage nakedness of legs and feet, which was universal among these +little barbarians. For the rest, their attire was rather ludicrous than +mean. The boys, even though still in their infancy, were helmed in the +martial bonnet of their countrymen; and their short tartan petticoats +were appended to a certain scarlet or blue <i>juste au corps</i>, laced up +the back, as if to prevent these children of nature from asserting a +primeval contempt of clothing. With the girls, however, this point +seemed intrusted to feminine sense of propriety; for their upper garment +consisted either of a loose jacket, or a square piece of woollen cloth +thrown round the shoulders, and fastened under the chin only by a huge +brass pin, or a wooden skewer. The absurdity of their appearance was +heightened by the premature gravity of their countenances; which were +more like the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'grimvisaged'">grim-visaged</ins> babes in an old family picture, than the +animation of youthful life. In profound silence they stood courtesying +as we passed; while the boys <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[343]</a></span>remained cap in hand till we entered the +hut.</p> + +<p>It consisted of two apartments; one of which I dimly discerned through +the smoke to be occupied by a group of peasants, collected round some +embers which lay in the middle of the floor. Into the other, which was +the state-chamber, Miss Graham and I made our way. It appeared to have +been hastily cleared for our reception; for the earthen floor, as well +as an oaken table, which stood in the middle of it, was covered with +<i>debris</i> of cheese, oat-cakes, and raw onions, intermixed with slops of +whisky. The good woman, however, who was doing the honours, rectified +the disorder seemingly to her own satisfaction, by taking up the corner +of her apron, and sweeping the rubbish from the table to the floor. +Meanwhile she entered into a conversation with Miss Graham, in which +every possible question was directly or indirectly asked, except the +only one which on such occasions I was accustomed to hear, namely, what +we chose to have for dinner. But as it proved, this question would have +been the most unnecessary of all; for, upon enquiry, we learnt that our +choice was limited to a fowl, or, as the landlady termed it, 'a hen.'</p> + +<p>While this point was settling, the head waiter and chamber-maid appeared +in the person of a square built wench, naked up to the middle of a +scarlet leg, and without any head-dress except a bandeau of blue worsted +tape. Having tossed a lapfull of brushwood into the chimney (for the +state-chamber had a chimney), she next brought, upon a piece of slate, +some embers which she added to the heap; then squatting herself upon the +hearth, she took hold of her petticoat with both hands at the hem, +tightening it by her elbows; and moving her arms quickly up and down, +she soon fanned the fire into a blaze.</p> + +<p>Next came our landlord in the full garb of his country; and great was my +astonishment to see him hold out his hand to Miss Graham as to a +familiar acquaintance. Nor was my surprise at all lessened, when he +coolly took his seat between us, and began to favour us with his +opinions upon continental politics. Provoked by this impertinence, and +by the courtesy with which Miss Graham received it, I interrupted his +remarks, by desiring he would get me a glass of water. Without moving +from his position, he communicated my demand to the maid; and went on +with his conversation. I took the first opportunity of reproving +Charlotte's tame endurance of all this. 'What would you have had me do?' +said she: 'he is a discreet, sensible man, and a gentleman.'</p> + +<p>'A gentleman!' repeated I.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[344]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Yes,' returned Charlotte, 'I assure you he is my father's third cousin; +and can count kindred, besides, with the best in Perthshire.'</p> + +<p>It was plain that Miss Graham and I affixed somewhat different ideas to +the word 'gentleman;' however, upon the claims of his ancestors, I was +obliged to admit this <i>gentleman</i> to our dinner-table; when, after a +violent commotion among the poultry had announced mortal preparation for +our repast, it at last appeared. Our unhappy 'hen,' whose dying limbs no +civilised hand had composed, was reinforced by a dish of salmon (large +enough to satisfy ten dragoons), which Miss Graham with some difficulty, +persuaded the landlady that the stranger might condescend to taste.</p> + +<p>Towards the close of our meal, our attendant pushed aside the panel of a +large wooden bed, which occupied one side of our apartment; and, from a +shelf within, produced a large cheese, and an earthen pitcher full of +butter, which she placed upon the table. Then, from the coverlet, where +they had been arranged to cool, she brought us a large supply of +oat-cakes. I fear I was not polite enough to suppress some natural signs +of loathing; for the girl, with the quick observation of her countrymen, +instantly apologised for the cause of my disgust. 'It is just for sake +of keeping them clean, with your leave,' said she; 'there's so many +soot-drops fall through this house.' In spite of this apology, however, +I was so thoroughly disgusted, that I heard with great joy the trampling +of our horses at the door; and immediately ran out to survey the +cavalcade which had been despatched from Castle Eredine for our +accommodation.</p> + +<p>It consisted of three horses of very diminutive size; two of which were +intended to carry Miss Graham and myself, and the third to transport our +baggage. This last was caparisoned somewhat like a gipsy's ass, with two +panniers slung across his back by means of a rope that seemed composed +of his own hair. Into one of these panniers the <i>gille trushannich</i><a name="FNanchor_22_22" id="FNanchor_22_22"></a><a href="#Footnote_22_22" class="fnanchor">[22]</a> +pushed Miss Graham's portmanteau; and finding that mine was too light to +balance it on the other side, he added a few turfs to make up the +difference. Besides this domestic, we were each provided with a sort of +running footman<a name="FNanchor_23_23" id="FNanchor_23_23"></a><a href="#Footnote_23_23" class="fnanchor">[23]</a>, whose office it was to keep pace with our horses +and to lead them at any difficult or dangerous step; and our equipage +was completed by six or seven sturdy Highlanders, who, in mere courtesy +to their chieftain's <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[345]</a></span>daughter, had walked fifteen or twenty miles to +escort her home.</p> + +<p>Thus guarded, we set out; our attendants, seemingly without effort, +keeping pace with the horses. With all of them Miss Graham occasionally +conversed in their native tongue; and I could perceive that they +answered her with perfect readiness and self-possession; but none of +them ever accosted her until he was addressed, nor could she prevail +with any of them to wear his bonnet while she spoke.</p> + +<p>Henry's name was so often repeated by them all, that I felt no small +curiosity to learn more minutely the subject of their conversation. But +though I had resumed my Gaelic studies under Charlotte's tuition, I was +not yet sufficiently initiated to follow the utterance of a native; and +my friend had already begun to smile so slily at my questions concerning +her brother, that the very circumstance which awakened my curiosity made +me half afraid to gratify it. At last, looking as unconscious as I +could, I asked Charlotte on what subject her servant was speaking with +such ardour. 'My <i>friend</i> Kenneth,' answered she emphatically, 'is +reminding me of an expedition of Henry's to extricate his nurse's sheep +from the snow. But talk to him yourself; he speaks English.—Kenneth, +poor Miss Percy cannot speak Gaelic; so tell her that story in English. +I know you like to speak a good word for your friend Henry.'—'If he +were here,' said Kenneth, making a gesture of courtesy, which did not +absolutely amount to a bow, 'he would need nobody to speak a good word +for him to a pretty lady.' He then related very minutely how Henry and +he had climbed the rocky side of Benarde; and, from a crag midway in the +precipice, had rescued the whole wealth of a Highland cottager.</p> + +<p>'And do you in the Highlands think nothing of risking your lives for a +few sheep?' said I.</p> + +<p>'Do you not think, lady,' said Kenneth, 'that I had a good right to risk +my life for my own mother's beasts? And you know the young gentleman was +not to be forbidden by the like of me. His life! I would not have +ventured a hair of his head for all the sheep in Argyll.' Then speaking +to my special attendant, he uttered, with great emphasis, a Gaelic +phrase, which obliged him to translate, signifying, that 'a man's friend +may be dear, but his foster-brother is a piece of his heart.'</p> + +<p>'My mother,' continued Kenneth, 'would have lost the <i>best-beloved lamb +of her fold</i>, if Mr Henry had not followed me that day; for the frost +had seized me; and I would have laid me down to sleep for a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[346]</a></span> far-off +waking; but Mr Henry drew me, and carried me, and I do not know what he +made of me, but the first sound I heard was my mother crying, "Och chone +a rie, mo cuillean ghaolach." Blessings on his face for her sake! for +had it not been for him, she would have had none but a fremd hand to lay +the sod on her.' Kenneth had obeyed his lady's command; and he now +modestly fell back, as if disclaiming further right to attention.</p> + +<p>'Surely Charlotte,' cried I, 'you are the happiest sister in the world. +How deep, how indelible, are the attachments which your brother seems to +awaken! Though he has been so long a stranger among them, these people +are absolutely enthusiastic in his praise. It is strange! I never saw +any thing like affection in servants, except in a novel.'</p> + +<p>Charlotte looked at me with an aspect of amazement; but she was too +polite either to charge me with the true cause of my ill fortune, or to +acquit me at the expense of my countrymen. 'Henry will not let his +friends here forget him,' said she; 'for, however engaged, he never +forgets them. He sends them advice, encouragement, reproof, and whatever +else they most need. Poor Henry! I remember a letter which he wrote to +acquaint me with one of the severest disappointments of his life—a +letter written in the midst of toil and bustle. It contained an order +for comfortable bedding for his bed-ridden nurse.'</p> + +<p>'But how could your brother,—how could your parents allow a mere +prejudice to banish him from such strong attachments? Surely he could +have felt no self-reproach for giving evidence against a common thief, a +miscreant who attempted his life!'</p> + +<p>'I don't know,' said Charlotte, doubtingly. 'Neil Roy was a well-born +gentleman; and in many respects a very honest man. Besides, where the +punishment is so unjustly disproportioned to the offence, it is not very +pleasant to be concerned in inflicting it. However, it was not that +affair alone which first drove my brother from home. Cecil was partly +right, and partly wrong, in the account she gave you. My mother, you +know, was a stranger; and though she was one of the best and most +respectable of women, yet it was natural that she should retain some of +the prejudices of her country. My father intended settling Henry in a +farm, or educating him for the church; but my mother, I believe, would +have thought either little less than burying him alive. However, she +must have submitted to necessity if the affair of Neil Roy had not +assisted her in persuading my father to send Henry away. Her health, +too, was so fast declining, that my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[347]</a></span> father could refuse her nothing. So +poor Henry was made a peace-offering to my mother's relations, who would +never have any connection with her after her marriage with a Highland +rebel—as they were pleased to call the best born and the most loyal in +the land! Oh, Ellen! it sometimes goes to my heart to think he should +owe so much as a shoe-latchet to those who dared to look down upon his +father. But whatever may happen, Henry can never regret having obeyed a +parent.'</p> + +<p>This little narrative was given with as much freedom as if Charlotte and +I had been alone, for our attendants no sooner observed us inclined to +talk apart, than they retreated to such a distance as left us at perfect +liberty. At last, however, they advanced, and the two <i>gillen comsrian</i> +took our horses by the bridles, while the rest began to clear away the +loose stones from the tract which was leading us round the brow of an +abrupt mountain. My eyes were involuntarily fixed upon a dell which had +no interest except what it gained from the certainty that a single false +step would bring me a hundred fathoms nearer to it. The golden clouds +that linger after sunset were still throwing strong light upon our path, +while the dell lay in deep shade. I was so new to Highland travelling, +that, in some alarm, I was consulting my attendant upon the expediency +of dismounting, when my attention was diverted by Charlotte. 'Benarde!' +cried she, with such a voice as, had my mother been on earth, I could +have cried, 'My mother!' I looked up; and saw between me and the glowing +west only a naked crag, towering above the vapour which was floating in +the vale.</p> + +<p>Presently our path wound round the brow of the mountain which we were +descending; and, gorgeous in all the tints of autumn, harmonised by the +sober shades of evening, Eredine burst on our sight. Charlotte uttered +not a sound. She uncovered her head as if she had entered a temple; and +raised her eyes as if in thanksgiving which words could not speak.</p> + +<p>I myself was little more inclined to break the silence imposed by the +scene. Far below our feet lay a lake, motionless, as if never breeze had +ruffled its calm. All there was still as the yet unpeopled earth, except +the gliding shadow of a solitary eagle sailing down the vale. A faint +flush still tinged the silver towards the east; to the west, the huge +Benarde threw upon the waters his own sober majesty of hue. But where +the shade would have been the deepest, it was softened by the long lines +of grey light that imaged the walls of Castle Eredine. Beyond, in a +sheltered valley, the evening smokes floating among the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[348]</a></span> copse-wood +alone betrayed the hamlets, concealed by their own unobtrusive chastity +of colouring.</p> + +<p>We continued to descend; and the woods gradually closed the scene from +our view. First, the birch drooped here and there its light sprays from +the crag; then gigantic roots of oak, grappling with the rock, sent +forth their dwarf stems in unprofitable abundance; lower, the vigorous +beech and massy plane threw their strong shadows, and, by degrees, +arranged themselves into a noble avenue. Yet this approach did not +peculiarly belong to Castle Eredine; it led equally to many a more +humble abode. Several of these were scattered by the way-side; and each, +as we passed, poured forth a swarm to welcome Charlotte's return. Every +eye shone with pleasure; yet all was calm and silence. No shouting, no +tumult; none of the sounds which, in my native country, announce vulgar +gladness, disturbed the quiet of the scene. The very children hung down +their smiling sun-burnt faces, and waited with sidelong looks for the +expected notice.</p> + +<p>Issuing from the wood, the path now become a well beaten road, led us +through a few small half-enclosed fields of corn and pasture, to a sort +of natural bridge, or rather isthmus; the only access to the rock upon +which Castle Eredine projected into the lake. I must own, that its lofty +title, and Cecil's romantic tales of its ancient possessors, had +ill-prepared me for the edifice which I now beheld. A square tower, with +its narrow arched doorway, was the only trace which remained of warlike +array; and a range of more modern building, with its steep roof, into +which the walls rose in awkward triangles, and its clumsy windows, +through which cross lights streamed from behind, gave me no exalted idea +of the accommodations of Castle Eredine. It seemed, however, that others +found no want of space within its walls; for at least thirty persons, of +different ranks and ages, came forth to receive us.</p> + +<p>The foremost of these must have attracted my attention and respect, even +though Charlotte's gesture and joyful exclamation had not announced her +father. Age had not impaired the firmness of his step, nor the erect +majesty of a figure Herculean in all its proportions. His eye retained +its fire; his cheek its ruddy brown; the snowy locks which waved from +beneath his bonnet alone betokened that he had already passed the common +age of man. The plumes by which these locks were shaded chiefly +distinguished his attire; for the rest of his dress was entirely +composed of the scarlet and blue tartan of his clan. Saluting me first +on one cheek, and then on the other, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[349]</a></span> welcomed me to Eredine, with +little more ceremony, and little less kindness than he received his own +Charlotte; then giving an arm to each, he led us into the sitting-room.</p> + +<p>It was a large apartment, panelled all round. Each panel seemed to open +into either a cupboard or a closet,—the walls being thick enough to +admit of either; while each side was a little enlivened by a row of +windows sunk in recesses, every one of which might have contained a +dozen persons. But the gloom of this apartment was completely dispelled +by the blazing of a wood fire, proportioned in size to what more +resembled an alcove than a chimney, and by the cordial looks and kind +attentions which every one seemed disposed to exchange.</p> + +<p>So little restraint did my presence occasion,—so easily and naturally +did Eredine, Charlotte, and even the servants, admit me to the +interchange of cordial courtesy, which seemed the established habit of +the family, that, before our substantial supper was ended, I had almost +forgotten that I was a stranger. Indeed, so well did they all understand +and practise the delicacies of hospitality, that, in less than a week, I +was as much at home as if I had been born in Glen Eredine.</p> + +<p>In the spirit with which she constantly sought to impress me with +feelings of equality and sisterhood, Charlotte offered to share her +apartment with me, on pretence of its being the most modern in the +Castle.</p> + +<p>'Since I have dragged you to the land of ghosts,' said she, 'I am bound +in honour to protect you as well as I can; and Henry has so modernised +my room, that no true Highland ghost would condescend to show his face +in it.'</p> + +<p>This room was indeed furnished very differently from the rest, yet still +so that nothing incongruous struck the eye. Many of the elegant +conveniences of modern life found a place there; book-shelves, +drawing-cases, cabinets, all that can be imagined necessary to the light +employments of a gentlewoman, were supplied in abundance; but all were +of such substantial form and materials, that they seemed no intruders +among the more venerable heir-looms of Castle Eredine. A closet, opening +from our bedchamber, and stored with a small but select collection of +books, was appropriated solely to me.</p> + +<p>When we had retired for the night, Charlotte, after a thoughtful +silence, laid her arm on my shoulder, and said, 'Ellen, there is a +caution I would give you; I should rather say a favour which I am<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[350]</a></span> going +to ask.'</p> + +<p>'A favour, dearest Charlotte! I thought it had been decreed that all the +favours were to come from one side! Well! how can you hesitate so?'</p> + +<p>'There is a gentleman whom you once mentioned to me, a—a mutual +acquaintance.'</p> + +<p>Charlotte's complexion explained her meaning. 'Mr Maitland?' said I.</p> + +<p>'Oblige me so far, my dear Ellen, as never to mention his name to my +father.'</p> + +<p>'Certainly, since you desire it, I promise you that I never will. I am +persuaded that the reasons must be strong and well weighed which induce +you to use caution with a parent.'</p> + +<p>'Yes, they are strong,' said Charlotte, thoughtfully; 'And one day +perhaps you may be satisfied that they are so. It grieves me, my dear +Ellen, to have even the appearance of a secret with you, but I am +satisfied that I am acting as I ought—that the happiness of—of my +life—that even your happiness——'</p> + +<p>'Stop, dear Charlotte!' interrupted I:—'believe me I have no wish to +listen to any subject which can give you pain. Continue to do what you +think right. Only let me once more assure you, that I have no interest +whatever in Mr Maitland, except as in the best of men,—the most +disinterested of friends,—a friend whose kindness withstood all my +unworthiness. Oh Charlotte, if Mr Graham knew him as I do, he would let +no prejudice of birth, or of country, deprive his daughter of +happiness,—the honour——'</p> + +<p>I was obliged to stop; for I had talked myself into a fit of enthusiasm, +and tears filled my eyes. A pleased smile played round Charlotte's +beautiful mouth; but she turned away without reply, as if unwilling to +cherish a hope which might prove fallacious.</p> + +<p>I had some curiosity to know whether the only obstacle to her wishes lay +with her father; but I was deterred from asking questions, by +recollecting her language on a former occasion. Besides, I was afraid +that she might fancy I felt some interest in the disposal of Maitland's +affections.</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[351]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIX" id="CHAPTER_XXIX"></a>CHAPTER XXIX</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Hail awful scenes that calm the troubled breast,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And woo the weary to profound repose;</span><br /> +Can passion's wildest uproar lay to rest,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And whisper comfort to the man of woes!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Here Innocence may wander safe from foes,</span><br /> +And Contemplation soar on seraph wings.</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +Beattie.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>'No wonder that my countryman has celebrated the merits of a Scotch +breakfast,' said I, upon seeing the splendour and abundance of the +morning repast at Castle Eredine. The linen and china were exquisitely +delicate; and the table, though loaded with a plenty approaching to +profusion, was arranged with perfect order and neatness. Eredine, for so +I found it was the custom to call Mr Graham, having placed me in a +sturdy, square-built, elbow-chair, with a back lofty and solid enough to +serve every purpose of a screen, began to heap before me all the variety +of food within his reach. In vain did I remonstrate. The ceremonial of +hospitality required that I should be urged even unto loathing. When I +turned to supplicate my host for quarter, and hoped that he was inclined +to relent, an old lady, who sat by me on the other side, assailed me in +the unguarded moment with a new charge of ham and marmalade.</p> + +<p>'Ah! if he had seen the breakfasts in my young days!' said Eredine, in +answer to my comment. 'A Glen Eredine breakfast was something +substantial then. It was not children's food that bred the fellows who +fought at Prestonpans.'</p> + +<p>'What could you possibly have, sir, that is wanting here?'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[352]</a></span></p> + +<p>The chieftain smiled compassionately upon me, as on a representative of +the sons of little men. 'Why, strong venison soup,' said he, 'and potted +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'ptarmagans'">ptarmigans</ins>; or, if we were a hunting, a roasted salmon:—hunters are not +nice, you know.'</p> + +<p>As soon as we rose from table, Charlotte went to resume her office of +housekeeper, which had, in her absence, been most zealously filled by +one of her innumerable cousins. To associate me in this employment was +one of the friendly arts by which Charlotte contrived to domesticate me +at Eredine; and household affairs furnished some little occupation for +us both, although the establishment at the Castle was then smaller than +it had ever been from time immemorial.</p> + +<p>Feudal habits were extinct; and the days were long since gone, when +bands of kinsmen, united in one great family, repaid hospitality and +protection with more than filial veneration and love. Eredine had +outlived three elder sisters, who for the greater part of a century had +resided under the roof where they were born; and two younger brothers, +who, after expiating, by thirty years of exile, their adherence to their +hereditary sovereign, had returned to lay their ashes with those of +their fathers. His eldest son had, a few months before, fallen a +sacrifice to a West Indian climate; his second was banished from home by +circumstances which I have already mentioned. The family, therefore, +consisted of Eredine, his daughter, and myself; four men and seven women +servants; Charlotte's nurse; a blind woman, who, being fit for nothing +else, was stocking-knitter-general to the family, and served, moreover, +as a humble substitute for the bard of other times; two little girls, +one humpbacked, the other sickly; and three boys, two of whom were +maintained because they were orphans, and the third because his +grandmother had been the laird's favourite, some sixty years before; +and, finally, Roban Gorach, Cecil's deserted lover; who, as the humour +served, tended Henry's old white pony, or wandered to all the sacraments +administered within sixty miles round, or sat by his torn oak from morn +to night unquestioned.</p> + +<p>But these were by no means the only persons who daily shared in the good +cheer of Castle Eredine. Besides several superannuated people of both +sexes, who, for this very purpose, had been provided with cottages +adjacent to the castle, we had stable-boys, and errand-boys, and +cow-herds, and goose-herds; beggars and travellers by dozens; besides +maintaining, for the day, every tradesman who executed the most trivial +order for the family without doors or within. How was I surprised to +learn, that this establishment was supported<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[353]</a></span> by an estate of little +more than a thousand pounds a year!</p> + +<p>This family party was, for the present, reinforced by visiters of all +ranks, who came to congratulate Charlotte's return. Among the earliest +of these was my old friend Cecil, who recognized me with tears of joy. +Recovering herself, she began to applaud her own skill in prophecy. 'I +told you,' cried she, 'that ye knew not where a blessing might light; +and there, ye see, ye're in Castle Eredine. And now Mr Henry will be +gathered to you, and that will be seen.'</p> + +<p>In answer to my enquiries into her own situation, she informed me that +her husband had returned home, having been disabled by sickness, and +discharged from his regiment as unfit for service. She talked of his +illness, however, without any alarm; for she had travelled on foot to +Breadalbane to bring water from a certain consecrated spring<a name="FNanchor_24_24" id="FNanchor_24_24"></a><a href="#Footnote_24_24" class="fnanchor">[24]</a>, on +which she fully relied for his cure. 'What grieves us the most,' said +she to me apart, 'is that he's no' fit to help at the laird's shearing +this year; as he had a good right, as well as the rest. And ye see, I +cannot speak to Miss Graham upon that to make his excuse, for she might +think we were <i>reflecting</i>, because he got's trouble tending Mr +Kenneth.'</p> + +<p>The next day brought the harvest party of which Cecil had spoken. About +four o'clock in the morning, I was awakened by the shrieking and +groaning of a bagpipe under my window; and starting out of bed to +ascertain the occasion of this annoyance, saw about a couple of hundred +men and women collected near the house. These I found were the tenantry +of Glen Eredine, assembled to cut down the landlord's corn; a service +which they were bound to perform without hire. Yet never, in scenes +professedly devoted to amusement, had I <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[354]</a></span>witnessed such animating +hilarity as cheered this unrewarded labour. The work was carried on all +day, in measured time to the sound of the bagpipe, yet without causing +any interruption to the jests of the young or the legends of the old. Mr +Graham himself frequently joined in both, without incurring the +slightest danger of forfeiting respect by condescension. Dinner for the +whole party was, of course, despatched from the castle. Fortunately, the +cookery was not very complex, for the old nurse and the blind +stocking-knitter were the only persons left at home to assist Charlotte +and myself in the preparation.</p> + +<p>It was customary for the festivities of the day to conclude with a ball +on the old bowling-green; and promising myself some amusement from the +novelty, I repaired to the spot soon after the time when the dancers had +been accustomed to assemble. But no dancers were there. Not a person was +to be seen, except one sickly emaciated creature, wearing a faded +regimental coat over his tartan waistcoat and philibeg, who stood +leaning against a tree with an aspect of hopeless dejection.</p> + +<p>Supposing that I had mistaken the place, I enquired of this person +whither I must go to seek the dancers. 'Think ye, lady,' said the man, +with a look somewhat indignant, 'that they would dance here this night? +I hope they're no' so ill-mannered. It would be a fine story for them to +be dancing, and the best blood in Eredine not well cold i' the grave +yet!'</p> + +<p>I perceived that he alluded to the recent death of Kenneth Graham; and, +struck with such an instance of delicacy in persons whom I considered as +little better than savages, I was going to enter into further +conversation with the man, when seeing Charlotte at a distance, I +hastened to meet her. I could not prevail upon her to express the +slightest surprise at the sensibility of her countrymen. 'It is just as +I expected,' said she; and she proceeded to inform me, that the person +whom I had quitted was the husband of my old friend Cecil, and the +foster-brother of Kenneth Graham. 'Poor James!' said she; 'I believe it +would have broken his heart if that bowling-green had been profaned with +the sounds of merriment. He visits it every evening at the same hour +when he was wont to come five-and-twenty years ago to play with my +brothers. That poor fellow has given the strongest proofs of the +attachment to a superior which you think so uncommon. As soon as he +heard that my brother was ordered abroad, he left his wife and children, +and explored his way on foot to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[355]</a></span> the south of Ireland, where the +regiment was already embarked. He enlisted; watched his master in the +dreadful disease which few could be found daring enough even to relieve; +followed the remains of his foster-brother to the grave, when sickness +had made him unable to return from the spot; and lay all night on the +earth which covered the head he loved best. Alas! alas! it lies among +stranger-dust, far from us all.'</p> + +<p>Although, ever since we had been on confidential habits, Charlotte had +spoken of her dead brother almost as much as of the living one, these +were the only words of lamentation which I ever heard her utter.</p> + +<p>On the contrary, the associations with which the remembrance of the dead +was joined seemed to be pleasurable. She appeared to sympathise in the +delight with which Lady Eredine and her son would meet; speaking of them +exactly as she would of living persons possessed of all the sentiments +and functions of mortality.</p> + +<p>From these themes the transition was easy to the subject of Henry +Graham,—a subject in which I took almost as much interest as she did +herself; for what girl of one-and-twenty could be uninterested in an +unknown lover? a lover described as handsome, brave, generous, good! and +who had besides fallen in love at first sight; a compliment which, by +the value some ladies put upon it, I suppose is estimated more by its +rarity than its worth. Now, all this my imagination found in Henry +Graham; for I was in the land of imagination. I was more than half +persuaded of my conquest. There was no other way of accounting for his +assiduous good offices; his flattering yet minute description of my +appearance. But Charlotte never directly admitted this explanation of +his conduct, and I durst not venture to show her how far vanity could +lead me in conjecture; though curiosity often made me come as near to +the subject as I dared. 'After all,' I would say to myself, 'what can it +signify to me? I shall never like the man; and I would far rather earn +my bread by labour than by marriage.'</p> + +<p>In the mean time, I was as much domesticated at Eredine as if I had +already been a daughter of the family. My kind friend soon found means +to make me consider it as for the present my permanent abode. She knew +me too well to expect, that this could ever take place so long as I felt +myself a useless dependent; and this was, I am persuaded the real cause +which inspired her with an enthusiastic desire to excel in music. There +was no danger that this plea for my detention should soon be exhausted; +for Charlotte's skill hitherto<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[356]</a></span> went no farther than jingling a +strathspey upon an excruciating harpsichord. Precisely at the lucky +moment, however, arrived a splendid harp, a present from her considerate +brother; and our labours began with much zeal and some success.</p> + +<p>In return, she exerted surprising patience in assisting my study of her +native tongue; and the whole family, myself included, were delighted +with my progress. We make rapid advances in a dialect which is the only +medium of communication with three fourths of the persons around us; +and, in justice to Highland politeness, I must assert, that there is no +language which may be attempted with more perfect security from +ridicule. This acquisition, together with my performance of some Gaelic +songs, brought me into high estimation with my venerable host. He +declared, 'that I could turn Chro challin or Oran gaoil almost as well +as his mother,—<i>white be the place of her soul!</i>' and only regretted, +that instead of 'that unhandy thing of a harp, which made trews where +trews should not be, I had not the light lady-like Clarsach, that the +d——d Hanoverians burnt when they ransacked Glen Eredine.'</p> + +<p>There might have been danger that my favourite recreation, to which long +abstinence gave all the charm of novelty, should make unreasonable +encroachment on my time. But almost the earliest work of my renovated +judgment had been to impress me with a solemn conviction of the value of +time; and when I recollected that, of the few allotted years of man, +seventeen had already been worse than squandered; that of the uncertain +remainder, a third must be devoted to the harmless enjoyments, a part +rifled by the idle fooleries of others,—an unknown portion laid waste +of joy and usefulness, by sickness, by sorrow, or by that overpowering +languor which palsies at times even the most active spirit;—when I +remembered, that the whole is fugitive in its nature as the colours of +the morning sky, irreversible in its consequence as the fixed decree of +Heaven, I could no longer waste the treasure on the sports of children, +or suffer the jewel to slip from the nerveless grasp of an idiot. I had +formed a plan for the distribution of my time; to which I adhered so +steadily, that I seldom spent an hour altogether unprofitably; that is, +I seldom spent an hour of which the employment had no tendency to +produce rational, benevolent, or devout habits in myself or in others.</p> + +<p>Let it not, therefore, be imagined that my whole life and conversation +were as solemn, and as wise, and as tiresome as possible. The flowers of +the moral world were doubtless intended to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[357]</a></span> scatter cheerfulness and +pleasure there; and the woman who contributes nothing to the innocent +amusement of mankind has renounced one purpose of her being. I am +persuaded, that a happier party, or at times a merrier never met, than +assembled round our fireside at Eredine.</p> + +<p>Nor was it always confined to the members of our own family. Our +neighbours—and all within twenty miles were our neighbours—often came +with half-a-dozen of their sons and daughters, two or three servants, +and a few horses, to spend some days at Castle Eredine. Uninvited and +unexpected, they were always welcome. No preparation could be made; no +bustle ensued. The guests were for the time members of the household, +and partook in its business, its enjoyments, and its privations. The +morning amusements of the gentlemen furnished us with game; those of the +ladies, with lighter dainties; and our evenings were enlivened by music, +more abundant, it must be confessed, than excellent.</p> + +<p>But, though my hours were neither dull nor solitary, I must own, that my +heart leaped light with the hope of something new, when, one morning, +Charlotte, running into the room breathless with delight, exclaimed, 'He +is coming, dearest Ellen! he is coming! He will give up all his +habits,—his pursuits,—he will give back their trash,—he will return +to his father,—to us all!'</p> + +<p>'Henry! When, dear Charlotte?'</p> + +<p>'Now! Soon! In a week! Oh, if that week were past!'</p> + +<p>Charlotte was restless with joy. She left me almost immediately; and I +followed her to her father. The good old man folded us both to his +breast. 'God grant I live this week,' said he, 'and then——' He paused +a little, half ashamed of his emotion; 'I doubt,' said he, with a smile, +'my eyes are not so strong as they have been.' Then disengaging himself +from us, he hurried out upon the road which led to Edinburgh, as if he +had already hoped to meet his son; and repeated the same walk full +twenty times that day. Next, he would count every stage of Henry's +journey, and fix the very hour of his arrival, and order an infinity of +preparations for his reception; and, when he had quite exhausted +himself, he sunk into his great oak-chair ruminating, while a delighted +smile at times crossed his face. 'The little curly-pated dog was his +mother's darling,' cried he; 'and yet I never could find out how that +happened, for there never was a Southron blood-drop in him. He was +always a Graham to the heart's core.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[358]</a></span></p> + +<p>Had I before been wholly uninterested in Henry's arrival,—had I owed no +obligation to him as the bestower of a secure though humble +independence,—had all the suggestions of vanity been silenced, I must +have sympathised in the joy expressed in every face I saw, in every +voice I heard. The house-maids all claimed the honour of arranging his +apartment; and as the division of labour, and all the distinctions +between cook and chamber-maid, were quite unknown in Glen Eredine, the +honour was bestowed according to seniority. The spinners celebrated +their young master's return in the extemporary songs, so common among +their countrywomen. The men brought home for him as many rocs, +black-cock, and <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'ptarmagan'">ptarmigan</ins>, as would have satiated<a name="FNanchor_25_25" id="FNanchor_25_25"></a><a href="#Footnote_25_25" class="fnanchor">[25]</a> courteous King +Jamie's ravenous visiter. Charlotte's nurse told me endless anecdotes of +his childhood; and I heard the blind knitter cry out in a tone of +triumph, 'He led me up the loan with's <i>oun</i> hand, sirs; and that's what +he never did to one o' ye all. And shame fa' me, if ever a man lead me +by the right hand again, an it be no Eredine himsel'; and that's not to +be thought.'</p> + +<p>The only one who took no share in the cheerful bustle was poor Roban +Gorach; yet he too could in his way, testify affection for his young +master. I had strolled out; and taking my favourite station on a ledge +of rock which overhung the lake, I had suffered my thoughts to shape, I +know not what romantic dream, of Henry Graham, and friendship, and +Charlotte, and Maitland, and Castle Eredine, and castles in the air; +when I was roused by the approach of poor Roban, attended by the old +white pony, which followed him like a dog. He accosted me with an +earnest look, lowering his voice to a confidential tone. 'They say +you're ordained for him,' said he; 'so blessings on your face! take him +peaceably.'</p> + +<p>Since I had become a favourite in Glen Eredine, so many dreams and +prophecies had announced me its future mistress, that I had no +difficulty in apprehending his meaning. 'Oh! you must let me refuse a +little at first for decency-sake, Robert,' said I, laughing.</p> + +<p>'Mysel' would fain you do's bidding before you be hindered,' said he; +laying his fingers pleadingly upon my arm. 'What if he <i>would</i> see you +going down the loan there, and through the wood, with another man's boy +in bosom?'—he raised his arm, tracing as he spoke the path towards +Cecil's dwelling; then letting it drop unconsciously, he proceeded in +his native tongue, as if he had forgotten my presence. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[359]</a></span>'He would care +no more for his fine golden watch, and all the parks and <i>towns</i> of +Eredine, than for the wind when <i>she</i> flies by him.'—'But, Robert,' +said I, interrupting his mournful reverie, 'how should you all like to +have a Saxon mistress in the Castle?'—'If it were so ordered,' answered +Robert, 'who could say against?—and we might be very well, though it +were so. Just you forget that you're a stepmother, with your leave; and +we'll all forget it too.'</p> + +<p>When I returned to the house, I learnt, what I had indeed inferred from +Roban's language, that Cecil had been there. She came to ask medicine +and advice for her dying husband; but when told the good news of the +day, she retired without suffering Miss Graham's joy to be interrupted +by her melancholy errand. Though, after having lived three months in +Glen Eredine, I could no longer be surprised at this delicacy, it can +never cease to please; and I immediately requested Charlotte to direct +our evening walk toward Cecil's cottage.</p> + +<p>We were received at the door by Cecil, who loaded us both with +congratulations; and invited us, as she was accustomed to do, into her +chamber of state, or as she phrased it, 'ben a house.' This apartment +was at that time no unfavourable specimen of Glen Eredine parlours. It +had to be sure an earthen floor not levelled with much nicety, but it +was tolerably clean; it was ceiled with whitened boards, lighted by a +sashed window, furnished with plane-tree chairs and tables, and +ornamented with an open corner cupboard filled with gaudy stone-bowls, +and jugs enriched with humble anacreontics. This was not, however, the +family room; and, finding that poor James inhabited the other end of the +building, we insisted upon adjourning thither.</p> + +<p>The humbler apartment was separated from the other by a panelled closet +or rather box, which served the double purpose of bed and partition. The +remaining walls were imperfectly plastered with clay; and the rude +frame-work of the roof was visible, where light enough to make it so was +admitted by the aperture which served for a chimney, and by a window of +four panes, one of which was boarded, and another stuffed with rags. +Beneath the above-mentioned aperture, the bounds of the fire-place were +marked only by a narrow piece of pavement, upon which a turf-fire +smouldered unconfined against the wall. The smoke, thus left at large, +had dyed the rafters of an ebon hue; and, mixing with the condensed +vapour, distilled in inky drops from the roof. The floor was strewed +with water-pails, iron-pots, wooden-ware, and broken crockery. Cecil's +eldest child, a boy of about four years old, tartaned and capped as +martially as any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[360]</a></span> 'gallant Graham' of them all, sprawled contentedly in +the middle of the litter, sharing his supper of barley-bread with an +overgrown pet lamb; and the youngest attired with rather less ceremony, +crouched by the side of a black pot, contesting with the cock the +remains of a mess of oatmeal pottage.</p> + +<p>From these postures of ease, however, Cecil instantly snatched them +both. 'Up, ill manners!' cried she; 'think it your credit to stand when +the gentles come to see you.' This maxim she enforced by example, for no +entreaties could prevail upon her to be seated in our presence.</p> + +<p>The sallow, haggard countenance of poor James appeared through the open +panel of the bed; and Miss Graham approaching, enquired 'how he felt +himself?'</p> + +<p>'Ye're good that asks,' said Cecil, answering for him; 'but he'll never +be better, and he has no worse to be.'</p> + +<p>'These people are savages, after all!' thought I. 'Would any humanised +being have pronounced such a sentence in the sick man's hearing?' I +stole a glance towards the bed, half fearing to witness the effect of +her barbarity.</p> + +<p>'Trouble must have its time,' said the man cheerfully; 'but we must just +hope it'll no be long now.'</p> + +<p>This was so little like fear, that I was obliged to convert the words of +encouragement into those of congratulation; and after Miss Graham had +made some more particular enquiries, I expressed my satisfaction in +observing such apparent resignation.</p> + +<p>'Deed, ma'am,' said James, 'I cannot say but that I am willing enough to +depart; I'm whiles feared, indeed; but then I'm whiles newfangled.'</p> + +<p>'I'm sure, lady,' said Cecil, tears now streaming down her cheeks, 'he +has no reason to be feared; for he's been a well-living Christian all's +days, and a good husband he's been;—and he shall have no reason to +reflect that he has no' as decent a burial as ever the ground was broken +for in Eredine. And for that we're partly much beholden to you, Miss +Percy,—a blessing on you for that,—and a decent departure might you +have therefor! And thankful may we be, Jamie, that ye'll no lie in +unkent ground, among strangers, and heathens, and all the offscourings +of the earth!'</p> + +<p>'No!' said Miss Graham; 'among strangers you shall not lie. You shall be +laid by the place where your foster-brother should have lain; and your +head-stone shall be my memorial of him, and of what you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[361]</a></span> did for him.'</p> + +<p>A flash of joy brightened the face of the dying man. He looked at Miss +Graham as if he would fain have thanked her; but though his lips moved, +they uttered no sound. Cecil was voluble in her thanks; and I verily +believe was half reconciled to the prospect of her misfortune, by the +honour which it was to procure for her husband.</p> + +<p>'When you see my dear brother,' proceeded Miss Graham, 'tell him, James, +that my only regret now is, that I should show neither love nor honour +to his remains; and that they must rest so far from mine!'<a name="FNanchor_26_26" id="FNanchor_26_26"></a><a href="#Footnote_26_26" class="fnanchor">[26]</a></p> + +<p>At this moment a casual change of posture made me observe, through the +window, a human figure, partially hid by an old ash tree which grew +within a few feet of the cottage wall. The figure advanced a step; and I +perceived through the dusk of the evening that it was Roban Gorach. He +was leaning against the tree, with his eyes fixed on the window; his +head and arms hanging listlessly down, with that undefinable singularity +of mien which betokens the wandering of the mind.</p> + +<p>I was going to call Miss Graham's attention to the circumstance, when +our strange conversation was interrupted by a scream from the youngest +child, whom Cecil had hastily caught up in her arms. The scream was +certainly the shriek of pain, perhaps partly of surprise; yet Cecil +apologising for her child's temper, began to soothe him with the sounds +which nurses apply to mere frowardness, mixing them at times with the +hum of a song. Her remonstrances to the child were given in Gaelic, +interrupted by apologies in English to Miss Graham and myself. More than +once she pronounced the word<a name="FNanchor_27_27" id="FNanchor_27_27"></a><a href="#Footnote_27_27" class="fnanchor">[27]</a> which signifies 'Go,' 'begone!' with +strong emphasis; holding the child from her as if threatening to forsake +him. He still continued to cry, and she to hush him with a song, which +was at first irregular and indistinct; but which, by degrees, formed +itself into regular rhythm, pronounced with such precision, that even my +slender knowledge of her language was sufficient to render it +intelligible to me; while its occasional interruptions gave me time to +fix the meaning at least in my memory. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[362]</a></span>Of the plaintive simplicity of +the original,—of the effect it derived from the wild and touching air +to which it was sung,—my feeble translation can convey no idea; but I +give the literal English of the whole<a name="FNanchor_28_28" id="FNanchor_28_28"></a><a href="#Footnote_28_28" class="fnanchor">[28]</a></p> + +<p class="poem2"> +Go to thy rest, oh beloved;<br /> +My soul is pained with thy wailing;<br /> +The wrath of a father is kindled by thy complaining:<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 15em;">Go to thy rest.</span><br /> +<br /> +Choice of my heart thou hast been,<br /> +But now I lay thee from my bosom<br /> +That it may receive my betrothed:<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 15em;">Go to thy rest.</span><br /> +<br /> +Oh cease thy lamentation;<br /> +Disquiet me no more.<br /> +Till the long night bring morning of pleasant meetings:<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 15em;">Go to thy rest.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Though I, having seen that Roban Gorach was one of Cecil's auditors, was +at no loss to perceive the double meaning of the song, neither poor +James nor Miss Graham could observe any thing peculiar in it. Cecil +never appeared to cast a glance towards the real object of her address; +and at every pause in the air she conversed with an appearance of +perfect unconcern.</p> + +<p>I own my esteem for my first Highland friend was far from being improved +by this specimen of her dexterity in intrigue. As soon as Charlotte and +I had taken our leave, I told her what I had observed; <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[363]</a></span>but, unwilling +to express a harsh opinion, I waited for her comments. The incident, +however, made no unfavourable impression upon her. 'I know,' said she, +'that Cecil has a great deal of discretion and presence of mind.'</p> + +<p>'Presence of mind, I allow; but really it seems to me, that if her +husband had witnessed this piece of management, he would have been very +pardonable for doubting her discretion.'</p> + +<p>'How so? do you not think it was prudent to prevent her dying husband +from being shocked by the sight of that poor creature?'</p> + +<p>'To tell you the truth, Charlotte, I think such readiness in intrigue +betokens Cecil's fidelity to be at least in danger.'</p> + +<p>'Surely you do not suspect—you cannot suppose—setting aside all fear +of God, think you she could make outcasts of her children!—transmit her +name, black with the infamy of being the first <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'unfatihful'">unfaithful</ins> wife that ever +disgraced Glen Eredine! No, no; Cecil would rather be buried under +Benarde: ay, silly as he is, Robert would rather lay her head in the +grave! No, no, Miss Percy; whatever may be the practice in other +countries, we have reason to be thankful that such atrocities are +unknown in Eredine.'<a name="FNanchor_29_29" id="FNanchor_29_29"></a><a href="#Footnote_29_29" class="fnanchor">[29]</a></p> + +<p>Charlotte's warm defence was interrupted by the approach of poor Robert, +who was following us home. 'Would ye just please to bid <i>her</i>,' said he, +pointing towards Cecil's cottage, 'let me thrash two or three sheaves +for her. She has nobody now to do for her; and if ye'll just allow me, +it's as sure's death, I'll stay in barn, and never go near house to +plague her.'</p> + +<p>'I think, Robert,' answered Charlotte, 'it would be very foolish in you +to take so much trouble for one who never even speaks to you.'</p> + +<p>'Ay, but yoursel' knows I'm no very wise,' said Robert, with a feeble +smile. Then, after a few moments' silence, he repeated his request. Miss +Graham gave an evasive answer, and he again fell behind; but, during our +walk, he came forward again and again to urge his petition, as if he had +forgotten having offered it before.</p> + +<p>'I beg pardon of Cecil and Glen Eredine, Charlotte,' said I. 'I had +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[364]</a></span>forgotten the nature and constancy of this poor young man's attachment, +when I suspected her of imprudence. I am sure that a virtuous man alone +can feel, a woman of discretion alone can inspire, such disinterested, +such unconquerable affection.'</p> + +<p>'You are right, Ellen. Looseness of morals on the one side, or even a +very venial degree of levity on the other, is fatal to all the loftier +forms of passion. I believe even perfect frankness of manners is hostile +to them: it leaves too little for the imagination.'</p> + +<p>We both walked on musing, till my dream was broken by our arrival at the +gate. 'Is your brother reserved?' said I, very consciously.</p> + +<p>'I never found him so,' returned Charlotte, laughing; 'but you have so +much imagination that I believe it will do, notwithstanding.'</p> + +<p>The day approached when this object of universal interest was to arrive; +and every stage of his journey, every hour of its duration, was counted +a hundred times. 'Four whole days still!'—'To-night he will sleep in +Scotland!'—'By this time to-morrow!'—In how many tones of impatience, +of exultation, of delight, were these sentences uttered!</p> + +<p>The father's joy was the least exclamatory. After the first emotion was +past, he seemed to think much expression of his feelings unsuitable to +his years; though every thing 'put him in mind what Henry said when he +was last at home;' or, 'what Henry did when a boy;' and he every now and +then shook Charlotte and me by the hand with such a look of +congratulation!</p> + +<p>He hinted some intention of riding as far as Aberfoyle to meet his son; +though he seemed to doubt whether this were altogether consistent with +his paternal dignity. 'It is not what one could do for every young man,' +said he; 'but Henry was never a sort of boy that is easily spoiled.' So +with this salvo, with which many a father has excused his +self-indulgence, Eredine determined to meet Henry at Aberfoyle.</p> + +<p>On the eventful morning the whole family arose with the dawn. Almost the +first person I saw was Eredine, arrayed and accoutred in the perfect +costume of his country, marching up and down in the court with even more +than his usual elasticity of step. The good old gentleman prepared for +his journey with all the alertness of five-and-twenty. 'Come, +Charlotte,' said he, 'get me a breakfast fit for a man. Remember I have +more than sixty miles to ride to-day. Miss Percy, do you think any of +your Lowland lads of seventy-six could do as much? Well, well, wait till +nine o'clock at night; and, God willing, I'll show you a lad worth a +fine woman's looking at.'</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[365]</a></span></p> + +<p>In spite of the entreaties of old Donald MacIan and the family piper, +who would fain have led forth the whole clan, Eredine set out attended +only by his household servants. But as soon as the laird was gone, +Donald followed his own inclinations. The piper marched through every +<i>baile</i><a name="FNanchor_30_30" id="FNanchor_30_30"></a><a href="#Footnote_30_30" class="fnanchor">[30]</a> in the Glen, pouring forth a torrent of vigorous discords, +which he called the '<i>Graham's Gathering</i>;' then took the road towards +Aberfoyle, followed by the train whom he had assembled. By noon, +scarcely a man was left in Glen Eredine.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, the women came in crowds to the Castle, each bringing +a cheese, a kid, a pullet, or whatever else her cabin could supply; and, +having deposited these '<i>compliments</i>,' as they called them, they +quietly returned to their homes. The servants ran idly bustling about +the house, forgetting every part of their business which did not refer +to Mr Henry. One began to air his linen as soon as day dawned. Another +piled heap after heap of turf upon his fire. A third, at the expense of +the state bedchamber, embellished his apartment with a carpet not +unlike, both in pattern and size, to a chess-board. I found a fourth +busied in anointing his leather-bottomed chairs with a mixture of oil +and soot; scrubbing this Hottentot embrocation into the grain with a +shoe-brush. 'I'm just giving them a bit clean for him,' said she, in +answer to my exclamation of amazement. 'He had always a cleanly +turn,—God save him!'</p> + +<p>At last all preparations perforce were finished; and the day then seemed +endless to us all. Charlotte was silent and restless. She tried to work; +but it would not do; she tried to read, and succeeded no better. She +visited her brother's apartment again and again, and could never satisfy +herself that all was ready for his reception. She began to fear that he +might not arrive that night, yet she was half angry with me for +admitting the possibility. Towards evening she stationed herself in a +window to watch for him; turning away sometimes with tears of +disappointment in her eyes, and then resuming her watch once more.</p> + +<p>Twilight closed in the stillness of a frosty night. Charlotte drew me to +the gate to listen. All was profoundly quiet. At last a dog bayed at a +distance. 'I hear the pipe!' said Charlotte, grasping my arm. I +listened. The sound was faintly heard, then lost, then heard again. By +degrees it swelled into distinctness; the trampling of horses,—the +tread of a multitude was heard,—voices mingled with the sound. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[366]</a></span>Charlotte ran forward, and then returned again. 'No! I cannot meet him +before all these people,' said she; and we retreated to the house.</p> + +<p>I saw through the dusk the stately figures of the chief and his son +approaching on foot from the gate where they had dismounted; and I stole +back into the parlour, unwilling that my presence should embarrass the +expected meeting. Yet, with a fluttering heart, I listened eagerly to +their quickened steps,—to the clasp of affection,—to the whisper of +rapture. 'Brother!'—'Charlotte!' pronounced in the scarcely articulate +accents of ecstasy, were for some moments the only words uttered; the +next that reached my ear, were those in which the traveller eagerly +enquired for me. I sprang <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'foward'">forward</ins>, for it was a well remembered voice +that spoke; but the next moment I shrank before the flashing glance of +Maitland!</p> +<hr class="chap" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[367]</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXX" id="CHAPTER_XXX"></a>CHAPTER XXX</h2> +<hr class="chapunder" /> + +<p class="poem"> +<i>Here have I found at last a home of peace,<br /> +To hide me from the world! far from its noise,<br /> +To feed that spirit which, though——<br /> +——linked to human beings by the bond<br /> +Of earthly love, hath yet a loftier aim<br /> +Than perishable joy! and through the calm<br /> +That sleeps amid this mountain solitude,<br /> +Can hear the billows of eternity,<br /> +And hear delighted!</i><br /> +</p> +<p class="poemsig"> +John Wilson.<br /> +<br /> +</p> + + +<p>'But seriously, Charlotte,' said I, when at a late hour we found +ourselves once more alone in our chamber, 'seriously, do you think it +was quite right in you to use this concealment with me?'</p> + +<p>'Seriously, I think it was. Long before I knew you, I could have guessed +that you would dislike receiving even a trifling service from Mr ——. +No, I never yet called Henry Graham by that upstart mercantile name, and +I never will. To tell you the truth, Ellen, my brother had so far made +me his confidant, that, judging of you by myself, I thought you would +rather lose your money than owe it to his good offices.'</p> + +<p>'I am sorry you thought it necessary to humour my pride at such an +expense. Humbled and mortified I might have been by any kindness from Mr +Maitland; but I have perhaps deserved the humiliation more than the +kindness. He owes me a little mortification, for drawing him into the +greatest folly he ever was guilty of.'</p> + +<p>'Oh you must not imagine that all my discretion was exerted only to +humour your saucy spirit. I had a purpose of my own to serve. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[368]</a></span> dare +say we should never have slid into any real intimacy, if you had known +me to be the sister of a quondam lover; watching, no doubt, with a +little womanly jealousy, the character of one whom my favourite brother +<i>once</i> loved better than me.'</p> + +<p>'I am persuaded this could have made little difference; for my faults, +unfortunately, will not be concealed; and my good qualities I shall +always be willing enough to display.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, to be sure, my dear humble Miss Percy would knowingly and wittingly +have come here to ingratiate herself with us all! No doubt, you would +have been much more at home with us, had you known our connection with +your old admirer! and no doubt, you would have quietly waited his +arrival here, that you might be courted in due form!'</p> + +<p>'Pshaw, Charlotte, I am sure that it—I hope—I mean, I am quite certain +that your brother has no such nonsense in his thoughts. And I am sure it +is much better it should be so; for you know I have always told you that +I have a natural indifference about me—Heigho!'</p> + +<p>'What! even after you have seen that "it was your duty to be in love +long ago!" Will you "deprive" yourself of "the honour," the +"happiness"——'</p> + +<p>'Surely, Charlotte, you will never be so mischievous, so cruel, as to +repeat these thoughtless, unmeaning expressions to your brother! You +know they were spoken under entire misconception. And, besides, to be +sensible of what I ought once to have done is a very different thing +from being able to do it now.'</p> + +<p>'Make yourself quite easy, my dear Ellen,' said Charlotte, with a +provoking smile, 'I have more <i>esprit de corps</i> than to tell a lady's +secret. Besides, even for my brother's own sake, I shall leave him to +make discoveries for himself. But by the way, it is very good-natured in +me to promise all this; for I have reason to be angry, that you think it +necessary to warn me against repeating any thing uttered in the mere +unguardedness of chit-chat.'</p> + +<p>I made no apology; for I have such an abhorrence of trick and +contrivance of every kind, that, to own the truth, I, at that moment, +felt half-justified in withdrawing part of my confidence from Charlotte. +'How in the world did such a scheme occur to you?' said I, after a +pause. 'Nothing like a plot ever enters my head.'</p> + +<p>'It occurred to me in the simplest way possible, my dear. Henry writes +to me remitting your money; describing you so as to prevent any chance +of imposition; and charging me not to rest till I have found<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[369]</a></span> you. "It +will distress her," says he, "to owe this little service to me, but +perhaps there is no remedy." Now, was not the very spirit of +contradiction enough to make one devise a remedy? Then he goes on—stay, +here is the letter:—</p> + +<p>'"If she be found, I do not ask you to receive her to your acquaintance, +to your intimacy. There is something in Miss Percy which will +irresistibly win you to both. But I do ask you to tell me, with perfect +candour, the impression which her character makes upon your mind. Tell +me, with minute exactness, of her temper, her sentiments, her +employments, her pleasures. Describe even her looks and gestures. There +is meaning in the least of them. Write fearlessly—I am no weak lover +now. I know you ladies are all firm believers in the eternity of love; +and one part of the passion is indeed immortal in a heart of ordinary +warmth and delicacy. My interest in Miss Percy's welfare and improvement +is not less strong than in yours, my own Charlotte. Perhaps the +precariousness of her situation even turns my anxieties more strongly +towards her. Of course, this will no longer be the case when I know that +she is safe at Eredine; for you must prevail upon her to visit Eredine. +She has a thousand little <i>womanlinesses</i> about her, which you could +never observe in an ordinary acquaintance of calls and tea-drinkings; +and you must be intimate with her before you can know or value that +delightful warmth and singleness of heart, which cannot but attach you. +I am sure she will bewitch my father. There is a gladness in her smile +that will delight his very soul."</p> + +<p>'Have not Henry and I shown a very decent portion of Highland +second-sight and discretion, think you, Ellen? His prediction has been +quite verified; and I am sure I have managed the plot incomparably.'</p> + +<p>'Ah, but Charlotte, after all, I wonder how you found it practicable. It +was a hundred to one that somebody should have let me into the secret.'</p> + +<p>'Hum! I might have been in some danger while we were in Edinburgh, +though few people there knew any thing of the matter. But, from the +moment we reached Glen Eredine, I knew we were safe. Nobody here would +mention to an inmate of our family the only shade that ever rested on +its name. Thank Heaven, even this stain is effaced now;—if, indeed, it +be a stain to submit to a temporary degradation in obedience to a +mother. You need not smile, Ellen. I am not so prejudiced as you think +me. I know that, if the name of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[370]</a></span> those merchants had been mean as +obscurity could make it, it would have become honourable when borne by +Henry Graham. And to be sure, all professions are alike in the eye of +reason; only there are some which I think a gentleman should leave to +people who need money to distinguish them.'</p> + +<p>'Well,' said I, laughing, 'now that you have convinced me that you have +no prejudice, tell me how you could be sure that I only knew your +brother by his "upstart mercantile name." If he had had the spirit of +his sister, he could not have refrained from hinting his right to be +called a Graham.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, but Henry has nothing boastful in his disposition; and I knew that, +having given up his name to please his uncle, he scorned to make the +sacrifice by halves. The old gentleman hated us all as a clan of rebels; +and, while he lived, my mother would never even allow us to address our +letters to Henry under his real name; and I don't believe poor Henry +himself ever mentioned it to a human being. So, before I saw you, I +guessed that you might not be in the secret; and the moment I entered on +the business with you, I found I had guessed right. But I dare say Henry +will tell you his whole story now; for you must have many a confidential +<i>tête-à-tête</i>.'</p> + +<p>Confidential <i>tête-à-têtes</i> with Mr Maitland! The idea led me into such +a reverie, that before I spoke again Charlotte was in bed, and asleep.</p> + +<p>I rose early; and yet, in three months of country negligence, my clothes +had all grown so troublesomely unbecoming, that, before I could make +them look tolerable, the family were assembled at breakfast. Maitland +took his place by me. 'I will sit between my sisters,' said he; and from +that time he called me, 'Sister Ellen.' The kindness of his manner made +me burn with shame at the recollection of my ungenerous purpose against +his peace. I held down my head, and was ready to thank Heaven that I saw +him well and happy. I was very glad, however, when I handed him his tea, +that my hand and arm were quite as beautiful as ever. My embarrassment +soon wore away. Maitland had evidently forgiven, he had almost, I +thought, forgotten my misconduct. So respectful, so kind were his +attentions, so equally divided between Charlotte and me, that I soon +forgot my restraint; and caught myself chattering and playing the fool +in my own natural manner.</p> + +<p>The day was past before I was aware; and every day stole away I know not +how. Their flight was marked only by our progress in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[371]</a></span> books which +Maitland read with Charlotte and me; or by that of a large plantation +which we all superintended together. Yet I protest, I have suffered more +weariness in one party of pleasure, than I did in a whole winter in Glen +Eredine. For, though the gentlemen always spent the mornings apart from +us, Charlotte and I were at no loss to fill up the hours of their +absence in the duties consequent upon being not only joint housewives in +the Castle, but schoolmistresses, chamber-council, physicians, +apothecaries, and listeners-general to all the female inhabitants of +Glen Eredine. What endless, what innumerable stories did this latter +office oblige me to hear? I am persuaded that I know not only the +present circumstances and characters of every person in the Glen, but +their family history from time immemorial, besides certain prophetic +glimpses of their future fortunes.</p> + +<p>I entirely escaped, however, the heavier labour of entertaining idle +gentlemen; for the bitterest storm of winter never confined Eredine or +Mr Graham to the fireside. Wrapped in their plaids, they braved the +blast, as the sports or the employments of the field required; and +returned prepared to be pleased with every thing at home. Our evenings +were delightful; enlivened as they were by Eredine's cheerfulness, +Charlotte's frank vivacity, and Henry's sly quiet humour.</p> + +<p>How often in their course did I wonder that I could ever think Maitland +cold and stately? His extensive information, his acquaintance with +scenes and manners which were new to us all, did indeed render his +conversation a source of instruction, as well as of amusement; but no +man was ever more free from that tendency towards dogma and harangue, +which is so apt to infect those who chiefly converse with inferiors. He +joined his family circle, neither determined to be wise nor to be witty, +but to give and receive pleasure. His was the true fire of conversation; +the kindly warmth was essential to its nature, the brilliance was an +accident. Maitland, indeed—but I must bid farewell to that name, the +only subject on which I cannot sympathise with the friends whom I love +the best. To me, though it be coupled with feeling of self-reproach and +regret, it is associated too with all that is venerable in worth, and +all that is splendid in eloquence. I exchange it for a noble name,—a +name which has mingled with many a wild verse, and many a romantic +tale,—a name which the historian and the poet shall celebrate when they +blazon actions more dazzling, but not more virtuous than those which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[372]</a></span> +daily marked the life of Henry Graham!</p> + +<p>Spring came; and never, since the first spring adorned Eden, did that +season appear so lovely! So soft were its colours, so balmy its breezes, +so pure, so peaceful its moonlight,—such repose, such blest seclusion, +such confidential kindly home-breathing sweetness were in every scene! I +shall never forget the delightful coolness of a shower that dimpled the +calm lake, as Graham and I stood sheltered by an old fantastic fir-tree. +No sound was heard but the hush of the rain drops, and now and then the +distant wailing of the water-fowl. 'How often, both sleeping and awake, +have I dreamt of this!' said Graham, in the low confiding tone which +scarcely disturbed the stillness. 'And even now, I can scarcely believe +that it is not all a dream. This profound repose! every shadow sleeping +just where it lay, when I used to wonder what immeasurable depth of +waters could so represent the vault of heaven! And after my weary exile, +to be thus near to all that is dearest to me,—to feel their very +touch,—their very breath on my cheek——'</p> + +<p>I know not how it happened, but at that moment, I breathed with some +difficulty, and moved a little away. But then I suddenly recollected +that Charlotte was standing at his other side; and I moved back again, +lest he should think me very silly indeed. For Mr Graham was no lover of +mine; that is, he never talked of love to me; but I had begun to feel an +odd curiosity to know whether he ever would talk of it, and when.</p> + +<p>I pondered this matter very deeply for some days; and, after sundry +lonely rambles, and sederunts under the aforesaid fir-tree, I convinced +myself that, if Mr Graham chose to make love, I could not, without +abominable ingratitude, refuse to listen.</p> + +<p>I had returned from one of these rambles, and was just going to enter +the parlour, when, as I opened the door, I was arrested by the voice of +Graham within, speaking in that impressive tone of suppressed emotion +which he had already fixed irrevocably in my recollection. 'If it be +so,' said he, 'I am gone to-morrow. This day se'nnight I shall be in +London.'</p> + +<p>I was thunderstruck. He was going then without a thought of me! My hand +dropped from the lock; and I turned away, in a confused desire to escape +from his sight and hearing.</p> + +<p>'Bless me! Ellen! what is the matter with you?' cried Charlotte, whom I +met on the stair. I hurried past her without speaking, and shut myself +into my own apartment.</p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373">[373]</a></span></p> + +<p>'What <i>is</i> the matter with me!' said I, throwing myself on a seat. The +question was no sooner asked than answered; and, though I was alone, I +could not help covering my face with my hands. The first distinct +purpose which broke in upon my amazement and consternation was, to see +Graham no more; to remain in my place of refuge till he was gone; and +then—it did not signify what then!—all after-life must be a blank +then!</p> + +<p>However, I was obliged to yield to Charlotte's entreaties for admission; +and, though all the interests of life were so soon to close, I was +obliged to take my tea; and then I was half forced to try the open air, +as a remedy for the headach, to which, like all heroines, I ascribed my +agitation. I somewhat repented of this compliance, however, when I found +that Graham was to be the companion of my walk; and, though I could not +decently refuse to take his arm, I endeavoured to look as frozen and +disagreeable as possible. He spoke to me, however, with such kind +solicitude; such respectful tenderness, that I was soon a little +reconciled to myself and him; and when Charlotte declared that she must +stop to visit a sick cottager, and he would by no means allow me to +breathe the close air of the cabin, I must own that I began to feel an +instinctive desire to escape a <i>tête-à-tête</i>. But I had not presence of +mind enough to defeat his purpose, and we pursued our walk together.</p> + +<p>He led me towards a little woody dell; I talking laboriously without +having any thing to say, he preserving an abstracted silence. But this +could not long continue; and, by the time we had lost sight of human +dwelling, our conversation was confined to short sentences, which, at +intervals of some minutes, made the listener start. In mere escape from +the awkwardness of my situation, I uttered some commonplace on the +beauty of the scenery; and desired Graham to look back towards the +bright lake, seen through the vista formed by the shaggy rocks, which +threw a twilight round us.</p> + +<p>'Yes,' said he, with a faint smile; 'let us stand and look at it +together for a few short moments. Perhaps one of us will never again see +it with pleasure. Lean on me, dear Miss Percy, as you are used to do, +and let me be happy while I dare.'</p> + +<p>He paused, but my eloquence was exhausted. I could not utter a word.</p> + +<p>'This night, this very hour,' he went on, 'must make all these beauties +a sickening blank to me, or perhaps heighten their interest a thousand +fold! Before we part this night, Ellen, I must learn from you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_374" id="Page_374">[374]</a></span> whether +duty and pleasure are never to unite for me. You know how long I have +loved you, but I fear you can scarcely guess how tenderly. Dearest +Ellen! think what the affection must be, which withstood your errors, +your indifference, your scorn;—which neither time nor absence, nor +reason, could overcome. Think what it must be now, when I see thee all +that man ought to love! To live without you now, to remember thy form in +every scene, and know that thou art gone:—oh, Ellen! do not force me to +bear this! Say that you will permit me to try what perseverance, what +love unutterable, can do to win for me such affection as will satisfy +your own sense of duty, your own innocent mind, in that blessed +connection which would make us more than lovers or friends to each +other.'</p> + +<p>He paused in vain for a reply. If the fate of the universe had depended +on my speaking, I could have uttered nothing intelligible. I suppose, +however, the pleader began to conceive good hopes of his cause; for a +certain degree of saucy exultation mingled with the tones of entreaty, +as he said, 'Speak to me, dearest Ellen—only one word. Tell me that I +may one day hope to hear you own, that friendship, or habit, or call it +what you will, has made me necessary to your happiness.'</p> + +<p>I would have given the world for some expression that should convey +decent security to the worthy heart of Graham, without quite betraying +the weakness of my own. 'I cannot promise,' said I, without daring to +look up, 'that ever you will bring me to actual confession.'</p> + +<p>'Nay, Ellen,' said the unreasonable creature, 'think you this little +coquettish answer will content a man who asks his whole happiness from +you?'</p> + +<p>'I am sure I do not mean to coquet. Tell me what you wish me—what I +ought to say, and I will say it,—if I can.'</p> + +<p>'My own, my bewitching Ellen—' said Graham.</p> + +<p>But hold! I will not tell what he said. If Henry Graham for once spoke +nonsense, it would ill become me to record it. Nor will I relate my +answer; because, in truth, I know not what it was. But Graham understood +it to mean, that I was no longer the arrogant girl whose understanding, +dazzled by prosperity, was blind to his merit; whose heart, hardened by +vanity, was insensible to his love; no longer the thoughtless being +whose hopes and wishes were engrossed by the most substantial of all the +cheats that delude us in this world of shadows;—but a humbled creature, +thankful to find, in his sound mind and steady principle, a support for +her acknowledged weakness;—a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_375" id="Page_375">[375]</a></span> traveller to a better country, pleased to +meet a fellow-pilgrim, who, animating her diligence, and checking her +wanderings, might soothe the toils of her journey, and rejoice with her +for ever in its blessed termination.</p> + +<p>I have now been many years a wife; and, in all that time, have never +left, nor wished to leave, Glen Eredine. Graham is still a kind of +lover; and though I retain a little of the coquettish sauciness of Ellen +Percy, I here confess that he is, if it be possible, dearer to me than +when he first folded his bride to his heart, and whispered, 'Mine for +ever.'</p> + +<p>We are still the guests of our venerable father; and within this hour he +told me, that his heart makes no difference between me and his own +Charlotte. Some misses lately arrived from a boarding-school, have begun +to call my sister an old maid; yet I do not perceive that this +cabalistic term has produced any ill effect on Charlotte's temper, or on +her happiness.</p> + +<p>I am the mother of three hardy, generous boys, and two pretty, +affectionate little girls. But far beyond my own walls extend the +charities of kindred. Many a smoke, curling in the morning sun, guides +my eye to the abode of true, though humble friends; for every one of +this faithful romantic race is united to me by the ties of relationship. +I am the mother of their future chieftain. Their interests, their joys, +their sorrows, are become my own.</p> + +<p>Having in my early days seized the enjoyments which selfish pleasure can +bestow, I might now compare them with those of enlarged affections, of +useful employment, of relaxations truly social, of lofty contemplation, +of devout thankfulness, of glorious hope. I might compare them!—but the +Lowland tongue wants energy for the contrast.</p> + + +<p class="h3"></p> +<p> </p> + +<hr class="chap" /> +<p> </p> +<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> No Highlander praises any living creature without adding +this benediction. It is not confined, in its application, to human +beings. If the subject of it belong to the speaker, this expression of +dependence is intended to exclude boasting; if you commend what is the +property of another, the Highland dread of an evil eye obliged you to +intimate that you praise without envy. To be vain of a possession is +justly considered as provoking Heaven to withdraw it, or to make it an +instrument of punishment; and no true Highlander ever expected comfort +in what had been envied or greedily desired by another. +</p><p> +Upon the same account, it is not judged polite to ask, nor safe to tell +the number of a flock, or of a family. I once asked a countrywoman the +number of a fine brood of chickens. 'They're as many as were gi'en,' +said she; 'I'm sure I never counted them.'</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> Mo cuilean ghaolach.—<i>Gaelic.</i></p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> 'The tract of country which has been described appears, +however, to have enjoyed a considerable degree of tranquillity, till +about the year 1746. At that time it became infested with a lawless band +of depredators, whose fortunes had been rendered desperate by the event +of 1745, and whose habits had become incompatible with a life of +sobriety and honesty. These banditti consisted chiefly of emigrants from +Lochaber and the remoter parts of the Highlands.' +</p><p> +'In convenient spots they erected temporary huts, where they met from +time to time, and regaled themselves at the expense of the peaceable +and defenceless inhabitants. The ruins of these huts are still to be +seen in the woods. They laid the country under contribution; and +whenever any individual was so unfortunate as to incur their +resentment, he might lay his account with having his cattle carried +off before morning.'—<i>Graham's Sketches of Perthshire.</i></p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> Black beauty—pronounced tu voiach.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> Is fuar gaoth nan coimheach.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> The down of a plant.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> Sgoltich suil a chlach.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_8_8" id="Footnote_8_8"></a><a href="#FNanchor_8_8"><span class="label">[8]</span></a> Elfin <i>arrow</i>; more properly, elfin 'bolt.' The Gaelic term +signifies, 'that which can be darted with destructive force;' there is, +therefore, no reason to expect, that these weapons should be feathered +and barbed like common arrows. These bolts are believed to be discharged +by fairies with deadly intent. Nevertheless, when once in the possession +of mortals, they are accounted talismans against witchcraft, evil eyes, +and elfish attacks. They are especially used in curing all such diseases +of cattle as may have been inflicted by the malice of unholy powers. +</p><p> +The author is in possession of one of these talismans; which +connoisseurs affirm to be no common elfin arrow, but the weapon of an +elf of dignity. It was hurled at a country beauty, whose charms had +captivated the Adonis of the district. The elf being enamoured of this +swain, projected a deadly attack upon her rival. But these arrows are +lethal only when they smite the uncovered skin. This proved the security +of the Gaelic Phillis. The weapon struck her petticoat; she instantly +possessed herself of the talisman, and was ever afterwards invulnerable +to the attacks of fairies. +</p><p> +Within these twenty years, a staunch Highlander contrived to make her +way into a bridal chamber; and, slitting the bride's new corsets, +introduced an elfin arrow between the folds. The lady, feeling some +inconvenience from this unusual addition to her dress, removed the +charm; in consequence of which rash act she has proved childless!</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_9_9" id="Footnote_9_9"></a><a href="#FNanchor_9_9"><span class="label">[9]</span></a> A common term of endearment—literally, 'Calf of my +heart.'</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_10_10" id="Footnote_10_10"></a><a href="#FNanchor_10_10"><span class="label">[10]</span></a> Low-spirited.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_11_11" id="Footnote_11_11"></a><a href="#FNanchor_11_11"><span class="label">[11]</span></a> Cut her turf for firing.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_12_12" id="Footnote_12_12"></a><a href="#FNanchor_12_12"><span class="label">[12]</span></a> Related.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_13_13" id="Footnote_13_13"></a><a href="#FNanchor_13_13"><span class="label">[13]</span></a> One who has the second-sight.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_14_14" id="Footnote_14_14"></a><a href="#FNanchor_14_14"><span class="label">[14]</span></a> Until very lately, no unmarried woman in the Highlands +wore any covering on the head; not even at church, or in the open air. A +<i>snood</i>, or bandeau of riband or worsted tape, was the only head-dress +for maidens. On the morning after marriage, the cap or curch was put on +with great ceremony, and the matron never again appeared without this +badge of subjection. +</p><p> +In some parts of the Highlands it is still customary to delay the +wedding for weeks, often for months after the ceremony of marriage has +taken place. The interval is spent by the bride in preparing her bed, +bedding, &c. which it is always her part to supply. The wedding is, with +a coolness of calculation which might satisfy Mr Malthus, generally +postponed till the end of harvest, when labour is scarce, and provisions +plentiful. About a week before the bride's removal to her new home, the +bridegroom and she go separately to invite their acquaintance, sometimes +to the number of hundreds, to the wedding. The bride's approach to her +future dwelling is preceded by that of her household stuff; which +affords the grand occasion of display for Highland vanity. The furniture +is carefully exhibited upon a cart; always surmounted by a +spinning-wheel, the <i>rock</i> loaded with as much lint as it can carry. It +is accompanied by the bride's nearest female relative, and attended by a +piper to announce its progress. The procession is met and welcomed by +the bridegroom and a few select friends. +</p><p> +The ceremonial of the wedding is conducted exactly according to Cecil's +statement. +</p><p> +The next morning, the matrons of the neighbourhood commence a visiting +acquaintance, by breakfasting with the married pair; each bringing with +her a present suited to her means, such as lint, pieces of linen, or +dishes of various sorts. Some of these good women generally 'busk the +bride's first curch.' The hair, which the day before hung down in +tresses mixed with riband, is now rolled tightly up on a wooden bodkin, +and fixed on the top of the head. It is then covered with the curch; a +square piece of linen doubled diagonally, and passed round the head +close to the forehead. Young women fasten the ends behind; the old wear +them tied under the chin. The corner behind hangs loosely down. Thus +attired, the bride sits in state, without engaging in any occupation +whatever, until she be 'kirked.' If, however, it happens that the parish +church is vacant, or if it be otherwise inconvenient to attend public +worship, this ceremony can be supplied by her walking three times round +the church, or any of the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'consecreted'">consecrated</ins> ruins with which the Highlands +abound.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_15_15" id="Footnote_15_15"></a><a href="#FNanchor_15_15"><span class="label">[15]</span></a> Household furniture.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_16_16" id="Footnote_16_16"></a><a href="#FNanchor_16_16"><span class="label">[16]</span></a> Latewake. Watching a corpse before interment. Dancing on +these occasions was once customary, though this practice is now +discontinued. +</p><p> +'It was a mournful kind of movement, but still it was dancing. The +nearest relation of the deceased often began the ceremony weeping; but +did, however, begin it, to give the example of fortitude and +resignation.'—<i>Mrs Grant's Essays on the Superstitions of the +Highlanders</i>, vol. i, p. 188.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_17_17" id="Footnote_17_17"></a><a href="#FNanchor_17_17"><span class="label">[17]</span></a> The Dark Den.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_18_18" id="Footnote_18_18"></a><a href="#FNanchor_18_18"><span class="label">[18]</span></a> Garlands of flowers for the neck.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_19_19" id="Footnote_19_19"></a><a href="#FNanchor_19_19"><span class="label">[19]</span></a> Miss Percy's description is far, indeed, from exaggerating +the horrors of some lunatic asylums in Edinburgh, as they existed twenty +years ago. One of these, which was even more recently the disgrace of +Scotland and of human nature, is now managed with great attention to the +health and cleanliness of its miserable inmates.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_20_20" id="Footnote_20_20"></a><a href="#FNanchor_20_20"><span class="label">[20]</span></a> 'Near adjoining are the parks; that is, one large tract of +ground, surrounded with a low wall of loose stones, and divided into +several pans by partitions of the same. The surface of the ground is all +over heath, or, as they call it, <i>heather</i>, without any trees; but some +of it has lately been sown with a seed of firs, which are now grown +about a foot and a half high, but are hardly to be seen for the heath. +</p><p> +'An English captain, the afternoon of the day following his arrival +here, desired me to ride out with him and show him the parks of +Culloden, without telling me the reason of his curiosity. Accordingly we +set out; and when we were pretty near the place, he asked me; "Where are +these parks? for," says he, "there is nothing near in view but heath, +and at a distance rocks and mountains." I pointed to the enclosures; +and, being a little way before him, heard him cursing in soliloquy; +which occasioned my making a halt, and asking if any thing displeased +him? Then he told me, that, at a coffee-house in London, he was one day +commending the park of Studley in Yorkshire, and those of several +gentlemen in other parts of England, when a Scots Captain who was by, +cried out, "Ah, sir, but if you were to see the parks of Culloden in +Scotland!"'—<i>Letters from a Gentleman in the North of Scotland to his +Friend in London</i>, vol. i, p. 297.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_21_21" id="Footnote_21_21"></a><a href="#FNanchor_21_21"><span class="label">[21]</span></a> Whoever recollects the inns at C——i——gh and +B——rr——le, and no doubt many others, as they stood two-and-twenty +years ago, will be at no loss for the prototypes of Miss Percy's house +of entertainment. Later travellers in the Highlands may not find her +description agree with their experience. The 'land of the mountain and +the flood' has of late been the fashionable resort of the lovers of the +picturesque, and of grouse-shooting; the refuge of those who wish to +skulk or to economise; of fine gentlemen and fine ladies, who find the +world not quite bad enough for them. The accommodations for travellers +are of course improved. It were devoutly to be wished that this had been +the only change effected by such visitants.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_22_22" id="Footnote_22_22"></a><a href="#FNanchor_22_22"><span class="label">[22]</span></a> A packer.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_23_23" id="Footnote_23_23"></a><a href="#FNanchor_23_23"><span class="label">[23]</span></a> Gille cumsrian.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_24_24" id="Footnote_24_24"></a><a href="#FNanchor_24_24"><span class="label">[24]</span></a> The said Breadalbane spring once existed in Atholl; but +its guardian Saint having been offended by some failure in respect, or +in liberality, removed it to its present site. This neglect was the more +unpardonable, because Highland saints have a very saint-like facility of +propitiation. A halfpenny is considered as a profuse offering; a nail, a +pin, or a rag, is all that the saints exact in return for the benefit of +these healing waters. The saints' wells can generally be distinguished +by the shreds of cloth hung upon the impending bushes; and other +offerings of like value dropped into the basin. +</p><p> +Some of these springs are resorted to annually by way of preventative; +others are visited as occasion requires. Some of the waters are taken as +a medicine. Others—and these, I apprehend, the most useful—are +externally applied. In this case, the ablutions must be repeated for +three years successively; and if the patient die in the interim, a +friend must complete this ceremony in his stead, bringing away at the +same time a bottle of water, to be poured upon the grave of the +deceased. Within these few years, an old woman, for this pious purpose, +twice performed a journey of nearly a hundred miles.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_25_25" id="Footnote_25_25"></a><a href="#FNanchor_25_25"><span class="label">[25]</span></a> See Scott's Border Minstrelsy.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_26_26" id="Footnote_26_26"></a><a href="#FNanchor_26_26"><span class="label">[26]</span></a> Messages from the living to the dead are not uncommon in +the Highlands. The Gael have such a ceaseless consciousness of +immortality, that their departed friends are considered as merely absent +for a time; and permitted to relieve the hours of separation by +occasional intercourse with the objects of their earliest affection.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_27_27" id="Footnote_27_27"></a><a href="#FNanchor_27_27"><span class="label">[27]</span></a> Falbh bi falbh.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_28_28" id="Footnote_28_28"></a><a href="#FNanchor_28_28"><span class="label">[28]</span></a> Extemporary songs are common among the Highlanders. With +these they beguile their labours; often, of course, at small expense of +taste or invention. The readiness with which they apply their verses to +compliment, to banter, often to graver purposes, is, however, very +remarkable; and Cecil is far from furnishing a rare or exalted specimen +of the powers of Highland <i>improvisatori</i>. +</p><p> +I have been told, that an Argyllshire woman, one evening, while +expecting her husband's return, was surprised by a visit from some +persons whom she guessed to be officers of justice sent to apprehend +him. Finding the man absent, they determined to wait his arrival in the +hut; taking care, of course, that his wife should not go out to apprise +him of his danger. She contrived, however, to hush her baby with an +extemporary song, which, without alarming the vigilance of the guards, +warned her husband from his perilous threshold, and he escaped. Other +instances, somewhat of a similar kind, suggested the incident in the +text. +</p><p> +Indeed, the only merit which the Highland scenes in Discipline presume +to claim, is, that, however inartificially joined, they are all borrowed +from fact.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_29_29" id="Footnote_29_29"></a><a href="#FNanchor_29_29"><span class="label">[29]</span></a> Although, in the remoter parts of Scotland, chastity is by +no means the universal virtue of unmarried persons, instances of +conjugal infidelity are still rare. Within the present generation they +were almost unknown. +</p><p> +About twenty years ago, it happened, in a remote country town, that two +persons of the lower rank were accused of adultery. The charge, whether +true or false, had such an effect, that the man was driven like a wild +beast from human converse. The very children pelted him with mud in the +street; crying out, 'There goes the adulterer.'</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_30_30" id="Footnote_30_30"></a><a href="#FNanchor_30_30"><span class="label">[30]</span></a> Hamlet,—<i>Town</i>.</p></div> +</div> + + +<p> </p> +<hr class="chap" /> +<p> </p> +<div class='tnote'> +<p> </p> +<h3>Transcriber's Note:</h3> +<p>Punctuation has been standardized except on page 25, after "'the way that +Miss Elizabeth ...," where it is unclear where the quotation ends. +Hyphenation has been made consistent. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Discipline + + +Author: Mary Brunton + + + +Release Date: January 6, 2012 [eBook #38510] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DISCIPLINE*** + + +E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau, Paula Franzini, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +DISCIPLINE + +by + +MARY BRUNTON + + + + +CONTENTS + + + Chapter I 1 + Chapter II 11 + Chapter III 19 + Chapter IV 32 + Chapter V 41 + Chapter VI 51 + Chapter VII 61 + Chapter VIII 73 + Chapter IX 83 + Chapter X 101 + Chapter XI 114 + Chapter XII 124 + Chapter XIII 143 + Chapter XIV 156 + Chapter XV 165 + Chapter XVI 178 + Chapter XVII 193 + Chapter XVIII 210 + Chapter XIX 217 + Chapter XX 231 + Chapter XXI 244 + Chapter XXII 257 + Chapter XXIII 269 + Chapter XXIV 286 + Chapter XXV 301 + Chapter XXVI 313 + Chapter XXVII 327 + Chapter XXVIII 340 + Chapter XXIX 351 + Chapter XXX 367 + + + + +CHAPTER I + + _--I was wayward, bold, and wild; + A self-willed imp; a grandame's child; + But, half a plague and half a jest, + Was still endured, beloved, carest._ + + Walter Scott + + +I have heard it remarked, that he who writes his own history ought to +possess Irish humour, Scotch prudence, and English sincerity;--the +first, that his work may be read; the second that it may be read without +injury to himself; the third, that the perusal of it may be profitable +to others. I might, perhaps, with truth declare, that I possess only the +last of these qualifications. But, besides that my readers will probably +take the liberty of estimating for themselves my merits as a narrator, I +suspect, that professions of humility may possibly deceive the professor +himself; and that, while I am honestly confessing my disqualifications, +I may be secretly indemnifying my pride, by glorying in the candour of +my confession. + +Any expression of self-abasement might, indeed, appear peculiarly +misplaced as a preface to whole volumes of egotism; the world being +generally uncharitable enough to believe, that vanity may somewhat +influence him who chooses himself for his theme. Nor can I be certain +that this charge is wholly inapplicable to me; since it is notorious to +common observation, that, rather than forego their darling subject, the +vain will expatiate even on their errors. A better motive, however, +mingles with those which impel me to relate my story. It is no unworthy +feeling which leads such as are indebted beyond return, to tell of the +benefits they have received; or which prompts one who has escaped from +eminent peril, to warn others of the danger of their way. + +It is, I believe, usual with those who undertake to be their own +biographers, to begin with tracing their illustrious descent. I fear +this portion of my history must be compiled from very scanty materials; +for my father, the only one of the race who was ever known to me, never +mentioned his family, except to preface a philippic against all +dignities in church and state. Against these he objected, as fostering +'that aristocratical contumely, which flesh and blood cannot endure'; a +vice which I have heard him declare to be, above all others, the object +of his special antipathy. For this selection, which will probably obtain +sympathy only from the base-born, my father was not without reason; for, +to the pride of birth it was doubtless owing that my grandfather, a +cadet of an ancient family, was doomed to starve upon a curacy, in +revenge for his contaminating the blood of the Percys by an unequal +alliance; and, when disappointment and privation had brought him to an +early grave, it was probably the same sentiment which induced his +relations to prolong his punishment in the person of his widow and +infants, who, with all possible dignity and unconcern, were left to +their fate. My father, therefore, began the world with very slender +advantages; an accident of which he was so far from being ashamed, that +he often triumphantly recorded it, ascribing his subsequent affluence to +his own skill and diligence alone. + +He was, as I first recollect him, a muscular dark-complexioned man, with +a keen black eye, cased in an extraordinary perplexity of wrinkle, and +shaded by a heavy beetling eyebrow. The peculiarity of his face was a +certain arching near the corner of his upper lip, to which it was +probably owing that a smile did not improve his countenance; but this +was of the less consequence, as he did not often smile. He had, indeed, +arrived at that age when gravity is at least excusable; although no +trace of infirmity appeared in his portly figure and strong-sounding +tread. + +His whole appearance and demeanour were an apt contrast to those of my +mother, in whose youthful form and features symmetry gained a charm from +that character of fragility which presages untimely decay, and that air +of melancholy which seems to welcome decline. I have her figure now +before me. I recollect the tender brightness of her eyes, as laying her +hand upon my head, she raised them silently to heaven. I love to +remember the fine flush that was called to her cheek by the fervour of +the half-uttered blessing. She was, in truth, a gentle being; and bore +my wayward humour with an angel's patience. But she exercised a control +too gentle over a spirit which needed to be reined by a firmer hand than +hers. She shrunk from bestowing even merited reproof, and never +inflicted pain without suffering much more than she caused. Yet, let not +these relentings of nature be called weakness--or if the stern morality +refuse to spare, let it disarm his severity, to learn that I was an only +child. + +I know not whether it was owing to the carelessness of nurses, or the +depravity of waiting-maids, or whether, 'to say all, nature herself +wrought in me so'; but, from the earliest period of my recollection, I +furnished an instance at least, if not a proof, of the corruption of +human kind; being proud, petulant, and rebellious. Some will probably +think the growth of such propensities no more unaccountable than that of +briars and thorns; being prepared, from their own experience and +observation, to expect that both should spring without any particular +culture. But whoever is dissatisfied with this compendious deduction, +may trace my faults to certain accidents in my early education. + +I was, of course, a person of infinite importance to my mother. While +she was present, her eye followed my every motion, and watched every +turn of my countenance. Anxious to anticipate every wish, and vigilant +to relieve every difficulty, she never thought of allowing me to pay the +natural penalties of impatience or self-indulgence. If one servant was +driven away by my caprice, another attended my bidding. If my toys were +demolished, new baubles were ready at my call. Even when my mother was +reluctantly obliged to testify displeasure, her coldness quickly yielded +to my tears; and I early discovered, that I had only to persevere in the +demonstrations of obstinate sorrow, in order to obtain all the +privileges of the party offended. When she was obliged to consign me to +my maid, it was with earnest injunctions that I should be +amused,--injunctions which it every day became more difficult to fulfil. +Her return was always marked by fond inquiries into my proceedings +during her absence; and I must do my attendants the justice to say, that +their replies were quite as favourable as truth would permit. They were +too politic to hazard, at once, my favour and hers, by being officiously +censorious. On the contrary, they knew how to ingratiate themselves, by +rehearsing my witticisms, with such additions and improvements as made +my original property in them rather doubtful. My mother, pleased with +the imposition, usually listened with delight; or, if she suspected the +fraud, was too gentle to repulse it with severity, and too partial +herself, to blame what she ascribed to a kindred partiality. On my +father's return from the counting-house, my double rectified _bon mots_ +were commonly repeated to him, in accents low enough to draw my +attention, as to somewhat not intended for my ear, yet so distinct as +not to balk my curiosity. This record of my wit served a triple purpose. +It confirmed my opinion of my own consequence, and of the vast +importance of whatever I was pleased to say or do: it strengthened the +testimony which my mother's visiters bore to my miraculous prematurity; +and it established in my mind that association so favourable to feminine +character, between repartee and applause! + +To own the truth, my mother lay under strong temptation to report my +sallies, for my father always listened to them with symptoms of +pleasure. They sometimes caused his countenance to relax into a smile; +and sometimes, either when they were more particularly brilliant, or his +spirits in a more harmonious tone, he would say, 'Come, Fanny, get me +something nice for supper, and keep Ellen in good humour, and I won't go +to the club to-night.' He generally, however, had reason to repent of +this resolution; for though my mother performed her part to perfection, +I not unfrequently experienced, in my father's presence, that restraint +which has fettered elder wits under a consciousness of being expected to +entertain. Or, if my efforts were more successful, he commonly closed +his declining eulogiums by saying, 'It is a confounded pity she is a +girl. If she had been of the right sort, she might have got into +Parliament, and made a figure with the best of them. But now what use is +her sense of?'--'I hope it will contribute to her happiness,' said my +mother, sighing as if she had thought the fulfilment of her hope a +little doubtful. 'Poh!' quoth my father, 'no fear of her happiness. +Won't she have two hundred thousand pounds, and never know the trouble +of earning it, nor need to do one thing from morning to night but amuse +herself?' My mother made no answer;--so by this and similar +conversations, a most just and desirable connection was formed in my +mind between the ideas of amusement and happiness, of labour and misery. + +If to such culture as this I owed the seeds of my besetting sins, at +least, it must be owned that the soil was propitious, for the bitter +root spread with disastrous vigour; striking so deep, that the iron +grasp of adversity, the giant strength of awakened conscience, have +failed to tear it wholly from the heart, though they have crushed its +outward luxuriance. + +Self-importance was fixed in my mind long before I could examine the +grounds of this preposterous sentiment. It could not properly be said to +rest on my talents, my beauty, or my prospects. Though these had each +its full value in my estimation, they were but the trappings of my idol, +which, like other idols, owed its dignity chiefly to the misjudging +worship which I saw it receive. Children seldom reflect upon their own +sentiments; and their self-conceit may, humanly speaking, be incurable, +before they have an idea of its turpitude, or even of its existence. +During the many years in which mine influenced every action and every +thought, whilst it hourly appeared in the forms of arrogance, of +self-will, impatience of reproof, love of flattery, and love of sway, I +should have heard of its very existence with an incredulous smile, or +with an indignation which proved its power. And when at last I learnt to +bestow on one of its modifications a name which the world agrees to +treat with some respect, I could own that I was even 'proud of my +pride;' representing every instance of a contrary propensity as the +badge of a servile and grovelling disposition. + +Meanwhile my encroachments upon the peace and liberty of all who +approached me, were permitted for the very reason which ought to have +made them be repelled,--namely, that I was but a child! I was the +dictatrix of my playfellows, the tyrant of the servants, and the +idolised despot of both my parents. My father, indeed, sometimes +threatened transient rebellion, and announced opposition in the tone of +one determined to conquer or die; but, though justice might be on his +side, perseverance, a surer omen of success, was upon mine. Hour after +hour, nay, day after day, I could whine, pout, or importune, encouraged +by the remembrance of former victories. My obstinacy always at length +prevailed, and of course gathered strength for future combat. Nor did it +signify how trivial might be the matter originally in dispute. Nothing +could be unimportant which opposed my sovereign will. That will became +every day more imperious; so that, however much it governed others, I +was myself still more its slave, knowing no rest or peace but in its +gratification. I had often occasion to rue its triumphs, since not even +the cares of my fond mother could always shield me from the consequences +of my perverseness; and by the time I had reached my eighth year, I was +one of the most troublesome, and, in spite of great natural hilarity of +temper, at times one of the most unhappy beings, in that great +metropolis which contains such variety of annoyance and of misery. + +Upon retracing this sketch of the progress and consequences of my early +education, I begin to fear, that groundless censure may fall upon the +guardians of my infancy; and that defect of understanding or of +principle may be imputed to those who so unsuccessfully executed their +trust. Let me hasten to remove such a prejudice. My father's +understanding was respectable in the line to which he chose to confine +its exertions. Indifference to my happiness or my improvement cannot +surely be alleged against him, for I was the pride of his heart. I have +seen him look up from his newspaper, while reading the 'shipping +intelligence,' or the opposition speeches, to listen to the praises of +my beauty or my talents; and, except when his temper was irritated by my +perverseness, I was the object of his almost exclusive affection. But he +was a man of business. His days were spent in the toil and bustle of +commerce; and, if the evening brought him to his home, it was not +unnatural that he should there seek domestic peace and relaxation,--a +purpose wholly incompatible with the correction of a spoiled child. My +mother was indeed one of the finer order of spirits. She had an elegant, +a tender, a pious mind. Often did she strive to raise my young heart to +Him from whom I had so lately received my being. But, alas! her too +partial fondness overlooked in her darling the growth of that pernicious +weed, whose shade is deadly to every plant of celestial origin. She +continued unconsciously to foster in me that spirit of pride, which may +indeed admit the transient admiration of excellence, or even the passing +fervours of gratitude, but which is manifestly opposite to vital +piety;--to that piety which consists in a surrender of self-will, of +self-righteousness, of self in every form, to the Divine justice, +holiness, and sovereignty. It was, perhaps, for training us to this +temper, of such difficult, yet such indispensable attainment, that the +discipline of parental authority was intended. I have long seen reason +to repent the folly which deprived me of the advantages of this useful +apprenticeship, but this conviction has been the fruit of discipline far +more painful. + +In the mean time, my self-will was preparing for me an immediate +punishment, and eventually a heavy, and irremediable misfortune. I had +just entered my ninth year, when one evening an acquaintance of my +mother's sent me an invitation to her box in the theatre. As I had been +for some days confined at home by a cold, and sore throat, my mother +judged it proper to refuse. But the message had been unwarily delivered +in my hearing, and I was clamorous for permission to go. The danger of +compliance being, in this instance, manifest, my mother resisted my +entreaties with unwonted firmness. After arguing with me, and soothing +me in vain, she took the tone of calm command, and forbade me to urge +her further. I then had recourse to a mode of attack which I often found +successful, and began to scream with all my might. My mother, though +with tears in her eyes, ordered a servant to take me out of the room. +But, at the indignity of plebeian coercion, my rage was so nearly +convulsive, that, in terror, she consented to let me remain, upon +condition of quietness. I was, however, so far from fulfilling my part +of this compact, that my father, who returned in the midst of the +contest, lost patience; and, turning somewhat testily to my mother, +said, 'The child will do herself more harm by roaring there, than by +going to fifty plays.' + +I observed (for my agonies by no means precluded observation) that my +mother only replied by a look, which seemed to say that she could have +spared this apostrophe; but my father growing a little more out of +humour as he felt himself somewhat in the wrong, chose to answer to that +look, by saying, in an angry tone, 'It really becomes you well, Mrs +Percy, to pretend that I spoil the child, when you know you can refuse +her nothing.' + +'That, I fear,' said my mother, with a sigh, 'will be Ellen's great +misfortune. Her dispositions seem such as to require restraint.' + +'Poh!' quoth my father, 'her dispositions will do well enough. A woman +is the better for a spice of the devil!'--an aphorism, which we have +owed at first to some gentleman who, like my father, had slender +experience in the pungencies of female character. + +Gathering hopes from this dialogue, I redoubled my vociferation, till my +father, out of all patience, closed the contest, as others had been +closed before, by saying, 'Well, well, you perverse, ungovernable brat, +do take your own way, and have done with it.' I instantly profited by +the permission, was dressed, and departed for the play. + +I paid dearly for my triumph. The first consequence of it was a +dangerous fever. My mother,--but what words can do justice to the cares +which saved my quivering life; what language shall paint the tenderness +that watched my restless bed, and pillowed my aching temples on her +bosom; that shielded from the light the burning eye, and warded from +every sound the morbid ear; that persevered in these cares of love till +nature failed beneath the toil, and till, with her own precious life, +she had redeemed me from the grave! My mother--first, fondest love of my +soul! is this barren, feeble record, the only return I can make for all +thy matchless affection? + +After hanging for three weeks upon the very brink of the grave, I +recovered. But anxiety and fatigue had struck to the gentlest, the +kindest of hearts; and she to whom I twice owed my life, was removed +from me before I had even a thought of my vast debt of gratitude. For +some months her decline was visible to every eye, except that of the +poor heedless being who had most reason to dread its progress. Yet even +I, when I saw her fatigued with my importunate prattle, or exhausted by +my noisy merriment, would check my spirits, soften my voice to a +whisper, and steal round her sofa on tiptoe. Ages would not efface from +my mind the tenderness with which she received these feeble attributes +of an affection, alas! so dearly earned. By degrees, the constant +intercourse which had been the blessing of my life was exchanged for +short occasional visits to my mother's chamber. Again these were +restricted to a few moments, while the morning lent her a short-lived +vigour; and a few more, while I received her evening blessing. + +At length three days passed, in which I had not seen my mother. I was +then summoned to her presence; and, full of the improvident rapture of +childhood, I bounded gaily to her apartment. But all gladness fled, when +my mother, folding me in her arms, burst into a feeble cry, followed by +the big convulsive sob which her weakness was unable to repress. Many a +time did she press her pale lips to every feature of my face; and often +strove to speak, but found no utterance. An attendant, who was a +stranger to me, now approached to remove me, saying, that my mother +would injure herself. In the dread of being parted from her child, my +fond parent found momentary strength; and, still clinging to me, hid her +face on my shoulder, and became more composed. 'Ellen,' said she, in a +feeble broken voice, 'lift up thy little hands, and pray that we may +meet again.' Unconscious of her full meaning, I knelt down by her; and, +resting my lifted hands upon her knees as I was wont to do while she +taught me to utter my infant petitions, I said, 'Oh! let mamma see her +dear Ellen again!' Once more she made me repeat my simple prayer; then, +bending over me, she rested her locked hands upon my head, and the +warmth of a last blessing burst into tremulous interrupted whispers. One +only of these parting benedictions is imprinted on my mind. Wonder +impressed it there at first; and, when nearly effaced by time, the +impression was restored with force irresistible. These were the +well-remembered words: 'Oh be kinder than her earthly parents, and show +thyself a father, though it be in chastising.' + +Many a tender wish did she breathe, long since forgotten by her +thoughtless child, till at last the accents of love were again lost in +the thick struggling sobs of weakness. Again the attendant offered to +remove me; and I, half-wearied with the sadness of the scene, was not +unwilling to go. Yet I tried to soothe a sorrow which I could not +comprehend, by promising that I would soon return. Once more, with the +strength of agony, my mother pressed me to her bosom; then, turning away +her head, she pushed me gently from her. I was led from her chamber--the +door closed--I heard again the feeble melancholy cry, and her voice was +silent to my ear for ever. + +The next day I pleaded in vain to see my mother. Another came, and every +face looked mournfully busy. I saw not my father; but the few domestics +who approached me, gazed sadly on my childish pastime, or uttered an +expression of pity, and hurried away. Unhappily, I scarcely knew why, I +remembered my resort in all my little distresses, and insisted upon +being admitted to my mother. My attendant long endeavoured to evade +compliance, and when she found me resolute, was forced to tell the +melancholy truth. She had so often combated my wilfulness by deceit, +that I listened without believing; yet, when I saw her serious +countenance, something like alarm added to my impatience, and, bursting +from her, I flew to my mother's chamber. + +The door which used to fly open at my signal was fastened, and no one +answered my summons; but the key remained in the lock, and I soon +procured admission. All seemed strangely altered since I saw it last. No +trace appeared of my mother's presence. Here reigned the order and the +stillness of desolation. The curtains were drawn back, and the bed +arranged with more than wonted care: yet it seemed pressed by the +semblance of a human form. I drew away the cover, and beheld my mother's +face. I thought she slept; yet the stern quietness of her repose was +painful to me. 'Wake, dear mamma,' I hastily cried, and wondered when +the smile of love answered not my call. I reached my hand to touch her +cheek, and started at its coldness; yet, still childishly incredulous of +my loss, I sprang upon the bed, and threw my arm round her neck. + +A frightful shriek made me turn, and I beheld my attendant stretching +her arms towards me, as if fearing to approach. Her looks of horror and +alarm,--her incoherent expressions,--the motionless form before me, at +last convinced me of the truth; and all the vulgar images of death and +sepulture rushing on my mind, I burst into agonies of mingled grief and +fear. To be carried hence by strangers, laid in the earth, shut out for +ever from the light and from me!--I clung to the senseless clay, +resolved, while I had life, to shield my dear mother from such a fate. + +My cries assembled the family, who attempted to withdraw me from the +scene. In vain they endeavoured to persuade or to terrify me. I +continued to hang on the bosom which had nourished me, and to mingle my +cries of Mother! mother! with vows that I would never leave her, not +though they should hide me with her in the earth. At last my father +commanded the servants to remove me by force. In vain I struggled and +shrieked in anguish. I was torn from her,--and the tie was severed for +ever! + + + + +CHAPTER II + + _Such little wasps, and yet so full of spite; + For bulk mere insects, yet in mischief strong._ + + Tate's Juvenal + + +For some hours I was inconsolable; but at length tired nature befriended +me, and I wept myself to sleep. The next morning, before I was +sufficiently awake for recollection, I again, in a confused sense of +pain, began my instinctive wailing. I was, however, somewhat comforted +by the examination of my new jet ornaments; and the paroxysms of my +grief thenceforth returned at lengthening intervals, and with abating +force. Yet when I passed my mother's chamber-door, and remembered that +all within was desolate, I would cast myself down at the threshold, and +mix with shrieks of agony the oft-repeated cry of Mother! mother! Or, +when I was summoned to the parlour, where no one now was concerned to +promote my pastimes, or remove my difficulties, or grant my +requests,--on the failure of some of my little projects, I would lean my +head on her now vacant seat, and vent a quieter sorrow, till reproof +swelled it into loud lamentation. + +These passing storms my father found to be very hostile to the calm +which he had promised himself in a fortnight of decent seclusion from +the cares of the counting-house. Besides, I became, in other respects, +daily more troublesome. The only influence which could bend my stubborn +will being now removed, he was hourly harassed with complaints of my +refractory conduct. It was constantly, 'Sir, Miss Ellen won't go to +bed,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't get up,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't have her +hair combed,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't learn her lesson.' My father +having tried his authority some half-a-dozen times in vain, declared, +not without reason, that the child was completely spoiled; so, by way +of a summary cure for the evil, so far at least as it affected himself, +he determined to send me to a fashionable boarding-school. + +In pursuance of this determination I was conveyed to ---- House, then +one of the most polite seminaries of the metropolis, and committed to +the tuition of Madame Dupre. My father, who did not pique himself on his +acquaintance with the mysteries of education, gave no instructions in +regard to mine, except that expense should not be spared on it; and he +certainly never found reason to complain that this injunction was +neglected. For my own part, I submitted, without opposition, to the +change in my situation. The prospect of obtaining companions of my own +age reconciled me to quitting the paternal roof, which I had of late +found a melancholy abode. + +A school,--it has been observed so often, that we are all tired of the +observation,--a school is an epitome of the world. I am not even sure +that the bad passions are not more conspicuous in the baby commonwealth, +than among the 'children of a larger growth;' since, in after-life, +experience teaches some the policy of concealing their evil +propensities; while others, in a course of virtuous effort, gain +strength to subdue them. Be that as it may, I was scarcely domesticated +in my new abode ere I began at once to indulge and to excite the most +unamiable feelings of our nature. + +'What a charming companion Miss Percy will make for Lady Maria,' said +one of the teachers to another who was sitting near her. 'Yes,' returned +the other in a very audible whisper, 'and a lovely pair they are.' The +first speaker, directing to me a disapproving look, lowered her voice, +and answered something of which only the words 'not to be compared' +reached my ear. The second, with seeming astonishment at the sentiments +of her opponent, and a glance of complacency to me, permitted me to hear +that the words 'animation,' 'sensibility,' 'intelligence,' formed part +of her reply. The first drew up her head, giving her antagonist a +disdainful smile; and the emphatical parts of her speech were, 'air of +fashion,' 'delicacy,' 'mien of noble birth,' &c. &c. A comparison was +next instituted aloud between the respective ages of Lady Maria and +myself; and at this point of the controversy, the said Lady Maria +happened to enter the room. + +I must confess that I had reason to be flattered by any personal +comparison between myself and my little rival, who was indeed one of the +loveliest children in the world. So dazzling was the fairness of her +complexion, so luxuriant her flaxen hair, so bright her large blue +eyes, that, in my approbation of her beauty, I forgot to draw from the +late conversation an obvious inference in favour of my own. But I was +not long permitted to retain this desirable abstraction from self. 'Here +is a young companion for you, Lady Maria,' said the teacher:--'come, and +I will introduce you to each other.' + +Her little Ladyship, eyeing me askance, answered, 'I can't come now--the +dress-maker is waiting to fit on my frock.' + +'Come hither at once when you are desired, young lady,' said my +champion, in no conciliating tone; and Lady Maria, pouting her pretty +under lip, obeyed. + +The teacher, who seemed to take pleasure in thwarting her impatience to +begone, detained her after the introduction, till it should be +ascertained which of us was eldest, and then till we should measure +which was tallest. Lady Maria, who had confessed herself to be two years +older than I was, reddened with mortification when my champion +triumphantly declared me to have the advantage in stature. It was not +till the little lady seemed thoroughly out of humour that she was +permitted to retire; and I saw her no more till we met in school, where +the same lesson was prescribed to both. Desirous that the first +impression of my abilities should be favourable, I was diligent in +performing my task. Perhaps some remains of ill-humour made Lady Maria +neglect hers. Of consequence, I was commended, Lady Maria reproved. Had +the reproof and the commendation extended only to our respective degrees +of diligence, the equitable sentence would neither have inflamed the +conceit of the one, nor the jealousy of the other; but my former +champion, whose business it was to examine our proficiency, incautiously +turned the spirit of competition into a channel not only unprofitable +but mischievous, by making our different success the test of our +abilities, not of our industry; and while I cast a triumphant glance +upon my fair competitor, I saw her eyes fill with tears not quite 'such +as angels shed.' + +At length we were all dismissed to our pastimes; and 'every one strolled +off his own glad way;' every one but I; who finding myself, for the +first time in my life, of consequence to nobody, and restrained partly +by pride, partly by bashfulness, from making advances to my new +associates, sat down alone, looking wistfully from one merry party to +another. My attention was arrested by a group more quiet than the rest; +where, however, my new rival seemed to play the orator, speaking very +earnestly to two of her companions, and laying one hand on the shoulder +of each, as if to enforce attention. Her Ladyship spoke in whispers, for +good manners are not hereditary; casting, at intervals, such glances +towards me as showed that I was the subject of remarks not over +laudatory. + +Presently the group began to move; and Lady Maria, leading it, as if by +accident, to the place where I sat, accosted me with an air of +restrained haughtiness. 'Pray, Miss Percy,' said she, 'are you of the +Duke of Northumberland's family?'--'No,' answered I.--'What Percys, +then, do you belong to?'--'I belong to my father, Mr. Percy, the great +West India merchant, in Bloomsbury Square,' returned I, not doubting +that my consequence would be raised by this information. To my great +surprise, however, Lady Maria's ideas of my importance did not seem +affected by this intelligence; for she said in a familiar tone, 'But who +was your grandfather, my dear? I suppose you had a grandfather!'--and +she looked round for applause at this sally. + +Now it happened that I was then wholly ignorant of the dignity which may +be derived from this relative, having never heard whether I had a +grandfather or not; but I plainly perceived that the question was not +graciously meant; and therefore I answered, with mixed simplicity and +ill-humour, 'Oh! I am not a fool,--I know I must have had a grandfather; +but I think he could not be a duke, for I have heard papa say he had +just five shillings to begin the world with!' + +'So, for aught you can tell,' said Lady Maria, shrugging her shoulders +and tittering, 'your father may be the son of a blacksmith or a +cobbler!' + +'No, no,' interrupted one of her Ladyship's abettors, 'don't you hear +Miss Percy say that he owed his being to a crown!' + +This piece of boarding-school wit seemed to delight Lady Maria, who, +looking me full in the face, burst into a most vociferous fit of +laughter; an impertinence which I resented with more spirit than +elegance, by giving her Ladyship a hearty box on the ear. A moment of +dead silence ensued; the by-standers looking at each in consternation, +while my pretty antagonist collected her breath for screams of pain and +rage. + +The superior powers were speedily assembled on the field of conflict; +and the grounds of quarrel were investigated. The incivility of mine +adversaries was reproved; but my more heinous outrage was judged worthy +of imprisonment. In consequence of my being a stranger, it was proposed +that this punishment should be remitted, upon condition of my +apologising to Lady Maria, and promising future good behaviour. With +these conditions, however, I positively refused to comply; declaring +that, if they were necessary to my release, I would remain in +confinement till my father removed me from school. In vain did the +teachers entreat, and Madame Dupre command. I insisted, with sobs of +indignation, that Lady Maria was justly punished for her impertinence; +and stoutly asserted my right to defend myself from aggression. The +maintenance of order required that I should be subdued; and, finding me +altogether inflexible in regard to the terms of capitulation, the +governess, in spite of the wildest transports of my rage, committed me +to close custody. + +Left to itself, my fury, by degrees, subsided into sullen resolution. +Conceiving that I had been unjustly treated, I determined not to yield. +This humour lasted till the second day of my captivity, when I began to +entertain some thoughts of a compromise with my dignity. Yet, when the +original terms were again proposed to me without abatement, pride +forbade me to accept what I had so often refused; and I remained another +day in durance. At last, when I was heartily wearied of solitude and +inaction, I received a visit from my champion; and though I had +stubbornly withstood higher authority, I was moved by remembrance of the +favour she had shown me, to consent, that, provided Lady Maria would +humble herself before me for her impertinence, I would apologise for the +blow which I had given. It was now her Ladyship's turn to be obstinate. +She refused to comply; so after another day's confinement I was +liberated unconditionally, as having sufficiently expiated my fault. + +From that time an ill-humour prevailed between Lady Maria and myself, +which was kept alive by mutual indications of insolence and ill-will. It +had too little dignity to bear the name of hatred; and might rather be +characterised as a kind of snappishness, watchful to give and to take +offence. Our companions enlisted in our quarrels. By degrees almost +every girl in the school had been drawn to engage on one side or other; +and our mutual bickerings were often carried on with as much rancour as +ever envenomed the contests of Whig and Tory. + +Of all my adherents, the last to declare in my favour, the most steady +when fixed, was Miss Juliet Arnold, the daughter of an insurance-broker +lately deceased. Mr Arnold, finding it impossible to derive from himself +or his ancestors sufficient consequence to satisfy his desires, was +obliged to draw for importance upon posterity, by becoming the founder +of a family; therefore, leaving his daughter almost in a state of +dependence, he bequeathed the bulk of a considerable fortune to his son. +This young gentleman calculated that the most frugal way of providing +for his sister would be to aid her in obtaining an establishment. Miss +Juliet Arnold, therefore, was educated to be married. + +Let no simple reader, trained by an antiquated grandmother in the +country, imagine my meaning to be that Miss Arnold was practised in the +domestic, the economical, the submissive virtues; that she was skilled +in excusing frailty, enlivening solitude, or scattering sunshine upon +the passing clouds of life!--I only mean that Miss Arnold was taught +accomplishments which were deemed likely to attract notice and +admiration; that she knew what to withdraw from the view, and what to +prepare for exhibition; that she was properly instructed in the value of +settlements; and duly convinced of the degradation and misery of failure +in the grand purpose of a lady's existence. For the rest, nature had +done much to qualify Juliet for her profession; for she had a pliant +temper, and an easy address; she could look undesigning, and flatter +fearlessly; her manners were caressing, her passions cool, and her +person was generally agreeable, without being handsome enough to awaken +the caution of the one sex or the envy of the other. Even when a child, +she had an instinctive preference for companions superior to herself in +rank and fortune; and though she was far from being a general favourite, +was sure to make herself acceptable where she chose to conciliate. + +Miss Arnold balanced long between my party and that of Lady Maria de +Burgh. She affected to be equally well inclined to both, and even +assumed the character of mediatrix. An invitation from Lady Maria to +spend the holidays at the seat of her father the Duke of C----, entirely +alienated Miss Arnold from my interests for a time; but just as she had +finished her preparations for the important journey, the fickle dame of +quality transferred her choice of a travelling companion to a young lady +of her own rank, whose holiday festivities she was desirous of sharing +in her turn. + +From this time, Miss Arnold was my firm ally. She praised me much, +defended me pertinaciously, and, right or wrong, embraced my opinions. +Of course, she convinced me of her ardent affection for me; and I, +accustomed almost from my birth to love with my whole heart, seized the +first object that promised to fill the place which was now vacant there. +Miss Arnold and I, therefore, became inseparable. We espoused each +other's quarrels, abetted each other's frolics, assisted each other's +plots, and excused each other's misdemeanours. I smuggled forbidden +novels into school for her; and she introduced contraband sweetmeats for +me. In short, to use the language often applied to such confederations, +we were 'great friends.' + +This compact was particularly advantageous to me; for having, partly +from nature, partly from habitual confidence of indulgence, a tendency +to blunt plain-dealing, I was altogether inadequate to the invention of +the hundred sly tricks and convenient excuses which I owed to the +superior genius of my confederate. Often when I would have resigned +myself, like a simpleton, to merited reproof, did she, with a bold +flight of imagination, interpose, and bear me through in triumph. If +these efforts of invention had been made in the cause of another, I +might have been tempted to brand them with their proper title; as it +was, I first learnt to pardon them because of their good nature, and +then to admire them for their ingenuity. + +Meanwhile our education proceeded _selon les regles_. We were taught the +French and Italian languages; but, in as far as was compatible with +these acquisitions, we remained in ignorance of the accurate science, or +elegant literature to which they might have introduced us. We learnt to +draw landscape; but, secluded from the fair originals of nature, we +gained not one idea from the art, except such as were purely mechanical. +Miss Arnold painted beautiful fans, and I was an adept in the +manufacture of card purses and match figures. But had we been restricted +to the use of such apparel as we could make, I fear we should have been +reduced to even more than fashionable scantiness of attire. The +advertisements from ---- House protested that 'the utmost attention +should be paid to the morals of the pupils;' which promise was +performed, by requiring, that every Sunday afternoon, we should repeat +by rote a page of the Catechism, after which we were sent 'forth to +meditate, at even tide,' in the Park. We were instructed in the art of +wearing our clothes fashionably, and arranging our decorations with +grace and effect; but as for 'the ornaments of a meek and quiet spirit,' +they were in no higher estimation at ---- House than 'wimples and round +tires like the moon.' + +At the end of seven years of laborious and expensive trifling, the only +accomplishment, perhaps, in which I had attained real proficiency, was +music. I had naturally a clear voice, a delicate ear, and a strong +sensibility to sweet sounds; but I should never have exercised the +perseverance necessary to excellence, had it not been from emulation of +Lady Maria de Burgh. This stimulant, of doubtful character, even when +untainted with the poison of enmity, operated so effectually, that I at +last outstripped all my competitors; and my musical powers were +pronounced equal to any which the public may command for hire. This +acquisition (I blush whilst I write it) cost me the labour of seven +hours a day!--full half the time which, after deducting the seasons of +rest and refreshment, remained for all the duties of a rational, a +social, an immortal being! Wise Providence! was it to be squandered +thus, that leisure was bestowed upon a happy few!--leisure, the most +precious distinction of wealth!--leisure, the privilege of Eden! for +which fallen man must so often sigh and toil in vain! + +Not such were the sentiments with which at sixteen I reviewed my +acquirements. I considered them as not less creditable to my genius and +industry, than suitable to the sphere in which I expected to move; and I +earnestly longed to exhibit them in a world which my imagination peopled +with admiring friends. I had, besides, an indistinct desire to challenge +notice for gifts of more universal attraction. I knew that I was rich; I +more than half suspected that I was handsome; and my heart throbbed to +taste the pleasures and the pomps of wealth, but much more to claim the +respectful homage, the boundless sway, which I imagined to be the +prerogative of beauty. + +In the summer of my sixteenth year, Lady Maria was removed from school +to accompany the duchess her mother, on a tour to the watering places; +and the accounts with which she favoured her less fortunate companions, +of her dresses, her amusements, and her beaux, stimulated my impatience +for release. My father at last yielded to my importunities; and +consented, that, at the beginning of the fashionable winter, I should +enter a world which looked so alluring from afar; where the objects, +like sparks glittering in the distant fallow, flashed with a splendour +which they owed only to the position of the eye that gazed on them. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + _Lamented goodness!--Yet I see + The fond affection melting in her eye. + She bends its tearful orb on me, + And heaves the tender sigh; + As thoughtful she the toils surveys, + That crowd in life's perplexing maze._ + + Langhorne + + +My father signalised my return from school by a change in his mode of +life. He had been accustomed to repair regularly every morning at ten +o'clock, to the counting-house; and there, or upon 'Change, he spent the +greater part of the day in a routine of business, which twenty years had +seen uninterrupted, save by the death of my mother, and a weekly journey +to his villa at Richmond, where he always spent Saturday and Sunday. +Upon placing me at the head of his establishment, my father, not aware +of the difference between possessing leisure and enjoying it, determined +to shake off, in part, the cares of business, and to exchange a life of +toil for one of recreation, or rather of repose. Upon this account, and +tempted by a valuable consideration, he admitted into the house a junior +partner, who undertook to perform all the drudgery of superintending one +of the most extensive mercantile concerns in London, while my father +retained a large share of the profits. + +At the Christmas holidays I quitted school, impatient to enter on the +delights of womanhood. My father, whose ideas of relaxation were all +associated with his villa at Richmond, determined that I should there +spend the time which intervened before the commencement of the gay +winter. In compliance with my request, he invited Miss Arnold, whose +liberation took place at the same time with my own, to spend a few weeks +with me,--an invitation which was gladly accepted. + +This indulgence, however, was somewhat balanced by the presence of a +very different companion. My mother was a woman of real piety; and to +her was accorded that 'medicine of life,' which respectable authority +has assigned exclusively to persons of that character. She had a +'faithful friend.' This friend still survived, and in her my father +sought a kind and judicious adviser for my inexperience. He pressed her +to make his house her permanent abode, and to share with him in the +government of my turbulent spirit, until it should be consigned to other +authority. Miss Elizabeth Mortimer, therefore, though she refused to +relinquish entirely the independence of a home, left her cottage for a +while to the care of her only maid-servant; and rejoicing in an occasion +of manifesting affection for her departed friend, and pleasing herself +with the idea that one bond of sympathy yet remained between them, +prepared to revive her friendship to the mother in acts of kindness to +the child. + +I regret to say that she was received with sentiments much less +amicable. Miss Arnold and I considered her as a spy upon our actions, +and a restraint upon our pleasures. We called her Argus and duenna; +voted her a stick, a bore, a quiz, or, to sum up all reproach in one +comprehensive epithet, a Methodist. Not that she really was a sectary. +On the contrary, she was an affectionate and dutiful daughter of the +establishment, countenancing schismatics no further, than by adopting +such of their doctrines and practices as are plainly scriptural, and by +testifying towards them, on all occasions, whether of opposition or +conformity, a charity which evinced the divinity of its own origin. But +Miss Mortimer displayed a practical conviction, that grey hairs ought to +be covered with a cap; and that a neck of five-and-forty is the better +for a handkerchief; she attended church regularly; was seldom seen in a +public place; and, above all, was said to have the preposterous custom +of condescending to join her own servants in daily prayer. Miss Arnold +and I were persuaded that our duenna would attempt to import this +'pernicious superstition' into her new residence, and we resolved upon a +vigorous resistance of her authority. + +Our spirit, however, was not put to the proof. Miss Mortimer affected no +authority. She seemed indeed anxious to be useful, but afraid to be +officious. She was even so sparing of direct advice, that, had she not +been the most humble of human beings, I should have said that she +trusted to the dignity and grace of her general sentiments, and the +beautiful consistency of her example, for effecting the enormous +transition from what I was to what I ought to be. + +Her gentleness converted the dislike of her charge into feelings +somewhat less hostile. My friend and I could find nothing offensive in +her singularities; we therefore attempted to make them amusing. We +invented dismal cases of calamity, and indited piteous appeals to her +charity, making her often trudge miles over the snow in search of +fictitious objects of compassion; that we might laugh at the credulity +which was never deaf to the cry of want, and at the principle which +refused to give without enquiry. We hid her prayer-book; purloined her +hoards of baby linen and worsted stockings; and pasted caricatures on +the inside of her pew in church. + +Much of the zest of these excellent jokes was destroyed by the calm +temper and perverse simplicity of Miss Mortimer. If by chance she was +betrayed into situations really ludicrous, nobody laughed with more +hearty relish than she. Even on the more annoying of these practical +jests, she smiled with good-natured contempt; never, even by the +slightest glance, directing to Miss Arnold or myself the pity which she +expressed for the folly of the contriver. We could never perceive that +she suspected us of being her persecutors; and her simplicity, whether +real or affected, compelled us to a caution and respect which we would +have renounced had we been openly detected. Our jokes, however, such as +they were, we carried on with no small industry and perseverance; every +day producing some invention more remarkable for mischief than for wit. +At last the tragical issue of one of our frolics inclined me to a +suspension of hostilities; and had it not been for the superior firmness +of my friend Miss Arnold, I believe I should have finally laid down my +arms. + +We were invited one day to dine with a neighbouring gentleman, a +widower; whose family of dissipated boys and giddy girls were the chosen +associates of Miss Arnold and myself. My father was otherwise engaged, +and could not go; but Miss Mortimer accepted the invitation, very little +to the satisfaction of the junior members of the party, who had +projected a plan for the evening, with which her presence was likely to +interfere. Miss Arnold and I, therefore, exerted all our ingenuity to +keep her at home. We spilt a dish of tea upon her best silk gown; we +pressed her to eat pine-apple in hopes of exasperating her toothach; +and we related to her a horrible robbery and murder which had been +committed only the night before, in the very lane through which we were +to pass. These and many other contrivances proved ineffectual. As Miss +Mortimer could not wear her best gown, she could go in a worse; she +would not eat pine-apple; and she insisted that those who had committed +the murder only the night before must be bloody-minded indeed if they +were ready to commit another. Next I bribed the coachman to say that the +barouche could not stir till it was repaired; but my father, who, on +this occasion, seemed as determined as Miss Mortimer, insisting that we +should go under her auspices or not go at all, settled that Miss Arnold +should ride, while I drove Miss Mortimer in the curricle. + +Highly displeased with this decision, I resolved that Miss Mortimer, +whose forte certainly was not strength of nerve, should rue the mettle +of her charioteer. With this good-natured purpose, I privately arranged +that a race should be run between my steeds, and those which were +mounted by Miss Arnold, and one of the fry which had already begun to +swarm round the rich Miss Percy. We set off quietly enough, but we were +no sooner out of sight of my father's windows, than the signal was +given, and away we flew with the speed of lightning. I saw poor Miss +Mortimer look aghast, though she betrayed no other sign of fear, and I +had a malicious triumph in the thoughts of compelling her to sue for +quarter. + +'Is it not better, my dear,' said she at last, 'to drive a little more +deliberately? The road is narrow here, and if we were to run over some +poor creature, I know you would never forgive yourself.' + +There was such irresistible mildness in the manner of this +expostulation, that I could not disregard it; and I was checking my +horses at the moment, when my beau, who had fallen behind, suddenly +passed me. He gave them a triumphant smack with his whip, and the +high-mettled animals sprang forward with a vigour that baffled my +opposition: At this moment a decent-looking woman, in standing aside to +let me pass, unfortunately threw herself into the line of his course; +and I felt the horror which I deserved to feel, when my companions, each +bounding over her, left her lying senseless within a step of the +destruction which I had lost the power to avert. + +From the guilt of murder I was saved by the fortitude of a stranger. He +boldly seized the rein; and, with British strength of arm turning the +horses short round, they reared, backed, and in an instant overturned +the carriage. The stranger, alarmed by this consequence of his +interference, hastened to extricate Miss Mortimer and myself; while our +jockeys, too intent on the race to look back, were already out of sight. + +Miss Mortimer looked pale as death, and trembled exceedingly; yet the +moment she was at liberty she flew to the poor woman, whom the stranger +raised from the ground. They chafed her temples, and administered every +little remedy which they could command, while I stood gazing on her in +inactive alarm. At length she opened her eyes; and so heavy a weight was +lifted from my heart, that I could not refrain from bursting into tears; +but unwilling to exhibit these marks of a reproving conscience, I turned +proudly away. + +It soon appeared that the woman was not materially hurt,--the horses, +more sagacious and humane than their riders, having cleared without +striking her. Her cottage was not fifty yards distant from the spot, and +Miss Mortimer, with the stranger, conducted her home; whilst I stood +biting my glove, and affecting to superintend the people who were +raising our overturned vehicle. The charitable pair soon returned. +Neither of us being inclined to mount the curricle again, Miss Mortimer +proposed that we should walk home, and send an apology to our party. But +dreading that the temptation of an evening's _tete-a-tete_ might draw +something like a lecture from Miss Mortimer, I determined to accomplish +my visit; and she consented that we should proceed on foot, giving, at +the same time, permission to her companion to attend us. + +I felt a sullen disinclination to talk, and therefore had full leisure +to examine the stranger, whom Miss Mortimer introduced to me by the name +of Maitland, adding that he was her old acquaintance. He was a tall, +erect man, of a figure more athletic than graceful. His features were +tolerably regular, and his eyes the brightest I have ever seen; but he +was deprived of his pretensions to be called handsome, by a certain +_bony_ squareness of countenance, which we on the south side of the +Tweed are accustomed to account a national deformity. His smile was +uncommonly pleasing, either from its contrast with the ordinary cast of +his countenance, or because it displayed the whitest and most regular +teeth in the world; but he smiled so seldom as almost to forfeit these +advantages. His accent was certainly provincial; yet I believe that, +without the assistance of his name, I could not decidedly have +pronounced him to be a Scotchman. His language, however, was that of a +gentleman; always correct, often forcible, and sometimes elegant. But he +spoke little, and his conversation borrowed neither strength nor grace +from his manner, which was singularly calm, motionless, and +unimpassioned. + +Either from habitual reserve with strangers, or from particular +disapprobation of me, he addressed himself almost entirely to Miss +Mortimer, paying me no other attentions than bare civility required; and +I, who had already begun to expect far other devoirs, from every man who +accosted me, rejoiced when the conclusion of our walk separated us from +the presumptuous being who had dared to treat me as a secondary person. + +As soon as we entered Mr Vancouver's house, my young companions +surrounded me, laughing and hallooing,--'Beaten, beaten,--fairly +beaten!' The victors pressed forward before the rest. 'Down with your +five guineas, Ellen,' cried Miss Arnold.--'Oh! faith 'twas a hollow +thing!' shouted the other. Real sorrow for my fault would have made me +gentle to those of my fellow-transgressors; but the shame of a proud +heart had a contrary effect.--'Take your five guineas,' said I, throwing +them my purse with great disdain, 'and you had better help yourself to a +little more--_that_ will scarcely repay the risk of being tried for +murder.' My ill-humour effected an instantaneous change on the +countenances of the group. Miss Arnold, quite crest-fallen, picked up +the purse, and stood twisting it in her hand, looking very silly, while +she tried to excuse herself, and to throw all the blame upon her +companion. He retorted, and their mutual recriminations were +occasionally renewed during the afternoon; banishing whatever good +humour had been spared by the disappointment which Miss Mortimer had +undesignedly occasioned. At last, to our mutual satisfaction, the party +separated; and Miss Mortimer, with her hopeful charge, returned home. + +Never, during the whole day, did a syllable of reproof escape the lips +of Miss Mortimer. She seemed willing to leave me to my conscience, and +confident that its sentence would be just. But when, on retiring for the +night, I could not help exclaiming, 'Thank heaven! this day is +done!'--she took my hand, and said, with a look of great kindness, 'Let +me dispose of one hour of your time to-morrow, dear Ellen, and I will +endeavour to make it pass more agreeably.' I felt no real gratitude for +her forbearance, because I had argued myself, with Miss Arnold's +assistance, into a conviction that Miss Mortimer had no right to +interfere; but I could not withstand the soothing gentleness of her +manner, and therefore promised that I should be at her command at any +hour she pleased. + +Next day, therefore, while Miss Arnold was shopping in town, I became +the companion of Miss Mortimer's morning walk; but I own, I began to +repent of my complaisance, when I perceived that she was conducting me +to the cottage of the poor woman who had so nearly been the victim of my +late frolic. 'Is this,' thought I, 'the way that Miss Elizabeth fulfils +her promise of making the hour pass agreeably? Such a finesse might do +mighty well for a methodist; but what would she have said, had I been +the author of it? It is wonderfully delightful to detect the errors of a +saint. On first discovering our destination, my feelings had wavered +between shame and anger; but the detection of Miss Mortimer's supposed +peccadillo restored me to so much self-complacency, that I was able at +least to conceal my reluctance, and entered the cottage with a pretty +good grace. + +The apartment was clean and comfortable. The furniture, though simple, +was rather more abundant and more tasteful than is common in the abodes +of labour. Two neat shelves on the wall contained a few books; and in +the window stood a tambouring frame. On one side of the fire-place our +old woman was busy at her spinning-wheel; on the other, in all the ease +of a favourite, lay a beautiful Italian greyhound. Miss Mortimer, with +the frankness of old acquaintance, accosted our hostess, who received +her with respectful kindness. While they were asking and answering +questions of courtesy and good-will, the dog, who had started up on our +entrance, did the honours to me. He looked up in my face, smelled my +clothes, examined me again, and, wagging his tail, seemed to claim +acquaintance. I, too, thought I remembered the animal, though I could +not recollect where I had seen him; and I own, I was glad to relieve a +certain embarrassment which the old woman's presence occasioned me, by +returning his caresses with interest. + +'Mrs Wells,' said Miss Mortimer, when she had finished her enquiries, 'I +have brought Miss Percy to visit you.' + +In spite of my affected nonchalance, I was not a little relieved when I +discovered, by the old woman's answer, that she had not recognised me as +the author of her accident. 'Miss Ellen!' she exclaimed, as if with +surprise and pleasure. Then taking my hand with a sort of obsequious +affection, she said, 'Dear young lady, I should never have known you +again, you are so grown! and I have never seen you since I lost my best +friend,' added she, shaking her head mournfully. 'Poor Fido,' resumed +she, 'he has more sagacity. He knew you again in a minute.' + +'Fido, mamma's Fido!' cried I, and I stooped over the animal to hide the +tears that were rushing to my eyes. + +'Yes, miss, your papa sent him here, because he said he did not like to +have him killed, being that he was but a young thing, and the very last +thing that worthy Mrs Percy had ever taken a liking to; and he could not +keep him about the house, because you never set eyes on him but you +cried fit to break your heart. So he sent him here, where he was very +welcome, as he had a good right to be, having belonged to her; for it +was owing to her that I had a home to bring him to.' + +'How was that?' enquired I, with some eagerness; for, to this day, my +heart beats warm when I hear the praises of my mother. + +'Why, ma'am,' returned she, 'my husband was a sober, industrious man, +but we were unfortunate in working for great people, who never thought +of our wants, because they had no wants of their own. So we became +bankrupt, and that went to my husband's heart; for he had a high spirit. +So he pined and pined away. I sold our little furniture, and then our +clothes; and paid for all honestly, as far as it would go. But what with +the doctors and what with the funeral, my two poor little girls and I +were quite destitute. I believe it was the second night after my Thomas +was laid in his grave, that my youngest girl was crying for bread, and I +had none to give her. I saw the eldest cry too; but she said it was not +for hunger. So, with one thing and another, I was desperate, and told +the children I would go and beg for them. The little one bid me go, for +she was hungry; but Sally said I should never beg for her, and followed +me to the door, holding me back, and crying bitterly. So, just then, +Providence sent that good spirit, Mrs Percy, by our house, and she +looked so earnestly at us--for it was not in her nature to see any +creature in sorrow, and pass by on the other side:--I thought I could +take courage to speak to her; but, when I tried it, I had not the heart; +for I had never begged before. But when she saw how things were, I did +not need to beg; for she had the heart of a Christian, and the hand of a +princess. She put us into this house, and gave us whatever was really +needful for us. I was a good worker with my needle then, though my eyes +are failing me now; and she got me as much work as I could overtake. She +came, besides, every forenoon herself, and taught my eldest girl to make +gowns, and my youngest to tambour, so that now they can earn their own +bread, and the most part of mine. Yes, Miss Ellen,' continued the woman, +perceiving that she had fixed my pleased attention, 'your worthy mother +did more than this; she brought heavenly hopes to me when I had few +hopes upon earth; she gave pious counsels to my children, and they +minded them the more for coming from so great a lady; so that they are +good girls, and a real comfort to my old age.' + +After some further conversation, Miss Mortimer put an end to our visit. +I own I was somewhat struck with the contrast between the cottager's +obligations to my mother and to myself; and I had a desire to place this +matter on a footing less painful to my feelings, or, to speak more +justly, less galling to my pride. For this reason, when we had gone a +few steps from the cottage, I returned, pretending that I had forgotten +my handkerchief. 'Mrs Wells,' said I, 'I have a great desire to possess +Fido,--will you make an exchange with me?' continued I, presenting my +purse to her. + +The good woman coloured deeply; and, drawing back with a little air of +stateliness, said, 'You are welcome to poor Fido, ma'am. Indeed, as for +that, your mother's child is welcome to the best I have; but I cannot +think of selling the poor dumb animal. No,' said she, her spirit +struggling with the sob that was rising in her throat, 'I shall be +poorly off indeed, before I sell the least thing that ever was hers.' + +I own, I felt myself colour in my turn, as I awkwardly withdrew my +purse; and I had not the confidence to look the woman in the face, while +I said, 'Give me poor Fido, then, for my mother's sake; and perhaps the +time may come when you will allow me the pleasure of assisting you for +my own.' + +'One of the girls, ma'am, shall take him to the Park this evening. I +know Miss Mortimer wished to have him, but you have the best right to +him; and I hope you will make him be kindly treated, ma'am; he is used +to kindness.' + +I thanked the good woman, promised attention to her favourite, and +hurried away. Fido arrived at the Park that afternoon, and soon became +the most formidable rival of Miss Arnold; nor unjustly, for he was +playful, fawning, and seemingly affectionate,--the very qualities to +which she owed my favour. + +'See, my dear Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, when I rejoined her, 'see how +your mother's mornings were spent.' Had any one but my mother furnished +the subject of this apostrophe; or had my friend Miss Arnold been +present to witness its application, I should certainly have turned it +off, by ridiculing the absurdity of a handsome woman of fashion spending +her time in teaching cottage girls mantua-making and morality. But now, +tenderness stealing on my self-reproach, I only answered with a sigh, +'Ah! my mother was an angel; I must not pretend to resemble her.' + +'My dearest child!' cried Miss Mortimer, catching my hand with more +animation than she had ever shown in speaking to me, 'why this ill-timed +humility? Born to such splendid advantages, why should you not aspire to +make your life a practical thanksgiving to the bestower? I acknowledge, +that your own strength is not "sufficient for these things," but He who +has called you to be perfect, will----' + +'Oh! pray now, my good Miss Mortimer,' interrupted I, 'give over for +to-day,--I am more than half melancholy already. Ten or a dozen years +hence, I shall attend to all these matters.' + +Before my reader comment on the wisdom of this reply, let him examine, +whether there be any more weight in the reasons which delay his own +endeavours after Christian perfection. + +Our dialogue was interrupted by the appearance of Mr Maitland, who +alighted at the wicket of the cottage garden, with the intention of +enquiring after the widow; but, upon hearing that she felt no bad +effects from her accident, he gave his horse to his servant, and +accompanied us, or rather Miss Mortimer, to the Park. A few civil +enquiries were indeed, the only notice which he deigned to bestow upon +me; and, to own the truth, I was not at all more gracious to him. + +At the door of Sedly Park, stood my father as usual with one arm resting +in the hollow of his back, the other supported by his gold-headed cane; +and he not only discomposed this favourite attitude by offering his hand +to Mr Maitland, but advanced some steps to meet him, a mark of regard +which I do not recollect having seen him bestow on any other visiter. He +followed up this courtesy, by pressing his guest to dine with him, and +Mr Maitland was at length induced to comply; while I stood wondering +what my father could mean, by expending so much civility upon a person +of whom nobody had ever heard before. + +I cannot pretend to have made any observations upon Mr Maitland's +manners or conversation during this visit, having previously convinced +myself, that neither was worth observing. After dinner, while he +discoursed with my father and Miss Mortimer, I, agreeably to the polite +practice of many young ladies, formed, apart with Miss Arnold and the +young Vancouvers, a coterie which, if not the most entertaining, was at +least the most noisy part of the company; the sound and form holding due +proportion to the shallowness. My father made some ineffectual attempts +to reduce us to order; and Miss Mortimer endeavoured to dissolve our +combination, by addressing her remarks to me; but I, scarcely answering +her, continued to talk and titter apart with my companions till it was +time for our visiters to depart. + +As soon as they were gone, my father strode gravely to the upper end of +the room, planted himself firmly with his back to the fire, and, +knitting his brows, addressed me as I stood at the further +window;--'Miss Percy,' said he 'I do not approve of your behaviour this +afternoon. I have placed you at the head of a splendid establishment, +and I desire you will consider it as your duty to entertain my +guests,--all my guests, Miss Percy.' + +A few moments of dead silence followed, and my father quitted the room. + +Had this well-deserved reproof been given in private, I might have +acknowledged its justice, but Miss Mortimer and my friend were present +to stimulate my abhorrence of blame; and, as soon as my father +disappeared, I began a surly complaint of his ill humour, wondering +'whether he expected me to sit starched by the side of every tiresome +old fellow he brought to his house, like the wooden cuts of William and +Mary.' + +Miss Arnold joined me in ridiculing the absurdity of such an +expectation; but Miss Mortimer took part with my father. 'Indeed, my +dear,' said she, 'you must allow me to say, that Mr Percy's guests, of +whatever age, have an equal right to your attentions. I particularly +wish you had distributed them more impartially to-day; for I would have +had you appear with advantage to Mr Maitland, whom I imagine you would +not have found tiresome and who is certainly not very old.' + +'Appear with advantage to Mr Maitland!' exclaimed I:--'oh! now the +murder is out. My father and Miss Mortimer want me to make a conquest of +Stiffy.' + +Miss Arnold laughed immoderately at the idea. 'You make a conquest of Mr +Maitland!' repeated Miss Mortimer in her turn, gazing in my face with +grave simplicity; 'no, my dear, that, indeed, surpasses my expectation. +Mr Maitland!' exclaimed she again, in a sort of smiling soliloquy over +her knitting;--'no, that would indeed be too absurd.' + +I own my pride was piqued by this opinion of Miss Mortimer's; and I felt +some inclination to convince her, that there was no such violent +absurdity in expecting that a stiff old bachelor should be caught by a +handsome heiress of seventeen. I half determined to institute a +flirtation. + +The idea was too amusing to be abandoned, and Mr Maitland soon gave me +an opportunity of commencing my operations. He again visited Sedly Park; +and, in spite of several repulses, I contrived to draw him into +conversation; and even succeeded in obtaining my full share of his +attention. But when he rose to be gone, I recollected with surprise, +that I had spent half an hour without talking much nonsense, or hearing +any. Our second interview was not more effective. At the end of the +third I renounced my attack as utterly hopeless; and should as soon have +thought of shaping a dangler out of Cincinnatus. Mr Maitland's heart, +too, seemed as impregnable as his dignity; and I was glad to forget that +I had ever formed so desperate a project as an attempt upon either. + +Our acquaintance, however, continued to make some progress; and if at +any luckless hour I happened to be deserted by more animating +companions, I could pass the time very tolerably with Mr Maitland. I +believe he was a scholar, and to this perhaps he owed that force and +variety of language which was often amusing, independently of the +sentiment which it conveyed. He possessed, besides, a certain dry +sententious humour, of which the effect was heightened by the inflexible +gravity of his countenance, and by the low tones of a voice altogether +unambitious of emphasis. His stiffness, which was too gentle for +hauteur, and too self-possessed for bashfulness, was a constitutional or +rather, perhaps, a national reserve; which made some amends for its +repulsive effect upon strangers, by gratifying the vanity of those who +were able to overcome it. I own that I was selfish enough to be +flattered by the distinction which he appeared to make between Miss +Arnold and myself; the more so, because there was, I know not what, in +Mr Maitland, which impressed me with the idea of a sturdy rectitude that +bowed to no extrinsic advantage. This gratification, however, was +balanced by the preference which he constantly showed for Miss Mortimer; +and such was my craving for adulation, that I was at times absolutely +nettled by this preference, although Mr Maitland was some years above +thirty. + +Towards the end of our stay at Sedly Park, his visits became more +frequent; but in spite of his company, and that of many other gentlemen +more agreeable to me, I was dying with impatience for our removal to +town. My eagerness increased, when I accidentally heard, that Lady Maria +de Burgh had already started as the reigning beauty of the winter. When +this intelligence was conveyed to me, I was standing opposite to a large +mirror. I glanced towards it, recalled with some contempt the miniature +charms of my fairy competitor, and sprung away to entreat that my father +would immediately remove to town. But my father had already fixed the +fourteenth of January for his removal; and Miss Arnold alleged, that +nothing short of a fire would have hastened his departure, or reduced +him to the degradation of acquainting the family that he had changed his +mind. + +The fourteenth of January, however, at length arrived, and I was +permitted to enter the scene of my imaginary triumphs. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + _Next in the daunce followit invy, + Fild full of feid and fellony, + Hid malice and dispyte. + For pryvie haterit that traitour trymlit; + Him followit mony freik dissymlit, + With fenyeit wordes quhyte; + And flattereris into menis facis, + And back-bytaris in secreit placis, + To ley that had delyte; + With rownaris of fals lesingis; + Allace! that courtis of noble kingis, + Of thame can nevir be quyte._ + + Dunbar (Daunce.) + + +The Countess of ----'s ball was fixed upon as the occasion of my first +appearance. What meditation did it not cost me, to decide upon the style +of my costume for that eventful evening! How did my preference fluctuate +between the gorgeous and the simple, the airy and the magnificent! The +balance was cast in favour of the latter, by the possession of my +mother's jewels; which my father ordered to be reset for me, with superb +additions. 'He could afford it,' he said, 'as well as Lady ---- or any +of her company, and he saw no reason why I should not be as fine as the +proudest of them.' My heart bounded with delight, when I at last saw the +brilliants flash in my dark hair, mark the contour of my neck, and +circle a waist slender as the form of a sylph. All that flattery had +told, and vanity believed, seemed now to gain confirmation; yet, still +some doubts allayed my self-conceit, till it received its consummation +from the cold, the stately Mr Maitland. I overheard Miss Arnold whisper +to him, as I entered the drawing-room where he and a large party were +waiting to escort me, 'look what lovely diamonds Mr Percy has given +Ellen.'--'They would have been better bestowed elsewhere,' returned Mr +Maitland; 'nobody that looks at Miss Percy will observe them.' + +Though certain that this compliment was not meant for my ear, I had the +hardihood to acknowledge it, by saying, 'Thank you, sir; I shall put +that into my memorandum-book, and preserve it like a Queen Anne's +farthing, not much worth in itself, but precious, because she never made +but one.' + +'The farthing was never meant for circulation,' returned he dryly; 'but +it unluckily fell into the hands of a child, who could not keep it to +herself.' + +The word 'child' was particularly offensive on this first night of my +womanhood; and, in the intoxication of my spirits, I should have made +some very impertinent rejoinder, if I had not been prevented by Miss +Mortimer. 'What, Ellen!' said she, 'quarrelling with Mr Maitland for +compliments! Is it not enough to satisfy you, that he who is so seldom +seen in places of that sort accompanies you to the ball to-night?' + +'Oh! pray,' returned I, 'since Mr Maitland has so few _bienseances_ to +spare, allow him to dispose of them as he pleases. His attendance +to-night is meant as a compliment to my father.' + +'Do not make me pay a whole evening's comfort for what is only a +farthing's worth, you know,' said Maitland good-humouredly; 'but leave +off trying to be disagreeable and witty. Nay, do not frown now; your +face will not have time to recover itself. I see the carriage is at the +door.' + +I did not wait for a second intimation, but bounded down stairs, and I +was already seated in the barouche, with Miss Arnold before my +deliberate beau made his appearance. I was too full of expectation to +talk; and we had proceeded for some time in silence, when I was awakened +from a dream of triumph by Mr Maitland's saying, and, as I thought, with +a sigh, 'What a pleasing woman is Miss Mortimer! That feminine +simplicity and sweetness make the merest commonplace delightful!' + +I suppose it was my vanity grasping at a monopoly of praise which made +me feel myself teazed by this encomium; and I pettishly answered, 'That +it was a pity Miss Mortimer did not hear this compliment, for she might +keep it to herself, since she at least was no _child_.' + +'Within these few years,' said Mr Maitland, 'she was a very enchanting +woman.' + +'Indeed!' exclaimed I, more and more out of humour at the unusual warmth +of his expressions, 'Miss Mortimer has no wit, and she has never been +pretty.' + +'True,' returned Mr Maitland, 'but I dislike wits. I am not even fond of +beauties. It is in bad taste for a woman to "flash on the startled eye." +Miss Mortimer did not burst on us like a meteor,--she stole on us like +the dawn, cheering and delightful, not dazzling.' + +This speech seemed so manifest an attack upon me who dealt with a +certain fearless repartee that passed for wit, and who was already a +beauty by profession, that my eyes filled with tears of mortification. +Of what use is beauty, thought I, if it be thus despised by men of +sense, and draw the gaze only of silly boys? Yet men of sense have felt +its power; and when people have, like Mr Maitland, outlived human +feelings, they should leave the world, and not stay to damp the +pleasures of the young and the happy. + +The next moment, however, sparkling eyes and skins of alabaster +recovered their full value in my estimation, when, as we pressed into +Lady ----'s crowded rooms, a hundred whispers met my ear of +'Lovely!'--'Charming!' and 'Devilish handsome!' My buoyant spirits rose +again, and I looked up to take a triumphant survey of my admirers. Yet, +when I met the universal gaze which was attracted by the splendour of my +dress, or the novelty of my appearance, nature for a moment stirred in +me; and though I had indignantly turned from Mr Maitland, and accepted +the devoirs of a more obsequious attendant, I now instinctively caught +his arm, and shrunk awkwardly behind him. + +I quickly, however, recovered my self-possession, and began to enjoy the +gaiety of the scene. Not so my companion; who seemed miserably out of +place at a ball, and whose manner appeared even more grave and repulsive +than usual. I shall never forget the solemn abstracted air with which he +sat silently gazing on a chandelier; and then suddenly interrupting my +conversation with a half a dozen beaux, resumed the discussion of a +plan, to which I had listened with interest a few days before, for +bettering the condition of the negroes upon his plantations. But my +attention was at once withdrawn from his discourse, and from the titter +which it occasioned, when a sudden movement opening the circle which +surrounded me, gave to my view the figure of Lady Maria de Burgh. + +Never had she looked so lovely. Her Ariel-like form was flying through +the dance; her blue eyes sparkling with pleasure; exercise flushing her +snowy skin with the hues of life and health. I observed the graceful +fall of her white drapery, the unadorned braids of her sunny hair, and +distrusted the taste which had loaded me with ornament. + +The dance ended; and Lady Maria was going to throw herself upon a seat, +when it was suddenly taken possession of by a young man, who withdrew my +attention even from Lady Maria. The easy rudeness of this action, his +dress, his manner, his whole air, announced him to be of the first +fashion. He languidly extended a limb of the most perfect symmetry, +viewed it attentively in every direction, drew his fingers through his +elegantly dishevelled hair; then, composing himself into an attitude of +rest, began to examine the company, through an eye-glass set with +brilliants. Lady Maria having, with some difficulty, wedged herself into +a place by his side, was beginning to address him, but he turned from +her with the most fashionable yawn imaginable. Presently his eyes were +directed, or rather fell upon me; and I felt myself inclined to excuse +the plebeian vivacity, with which he instantly pointed me out to his +fair companion, seeming to enquire who I was. Her Ladyship looked, and a +toss of her head seemed to indicate that her reply was not very +favourable. An altercation then appeared to ensue; for the gentleman +rising offered the lady his hand, as if to lead her forward; the lady +frowned, pouted, flounced, and at last, with a very cloudy aspect, rose +and suffered him to conduct her towards me. Scarcely relaxing her pretty +features, she addressed me with a few words of very stately recognition; +introduced me to her brother, Lord Frederick de Burgh; and then turned +away. Miss Arnold claimed her acquaintance by a humble courtesy. Her +Ladyship, looking her full in the face, passed, 'and gave no sign.' I +was instantly possessed with the spirit of patronage; and though I had +before forgotten that Miss Arnold was in the room, I now gave her my +arm, and all the attention which I could spare from Lord Frederick de +Burgh. + +For a man of fashion, Lord Frederick was tolerably amusing. He knew the +name, and a little of the private history, of every person in the room. +He flattered with considerable industry; and it was not difficult to +flatter him in return. He asked me to dance. I was engaged for the three +next dances; but disappointed one of my partners that I might sit with +Lord Frederick. His Lordship next proposed that I should waltz with him. +So much native feeling yet remained in me that I shrunk from making such +an exhibition, and at first positively refused; but, happening to +observe that Lady Maria was watching, with an eye of jealous +displeasure, her brother's attentions to me, I could not resist the +temptation of provoking her, by exhibiting these attentions to the whole +assembly; and therefore consented to dance the waltz. + +I own that I bitterly repented this compliance when I found myself +standing with Lord Frederick alone, in the midst of the circle which was +instantly formed round us. I forgot even the possibility of the +admiration of which I had before been so secure. My knees knocked +together, and a mist swam before my eyes. But there was now no retreat, +and the dance began. My feelings of disquiet, however, did not rise to +their height till, towards the close of the dance, I met the eye of Mr +Maitland fixed on me in stern disapprobation. I have never yet met with +any person whose displeasure was so disagreeably awful as that of Mr +Maitland. At that moment it was more than I could bear. Hastily +concluding the dance, I darted through the crowd of spectators, +regardless of their praise or censure; and, faint and unhappy, I sunk +upon a seat. + +I was instantly surrounded by persons who offered me every sort of +assistance and refreshment. Lord Frederick was particularly assiduous. +But I owed the recovery of my spirits chiefly to the sarcastic smile +with which I was eyed by Lady Maria de Burgh, whom I overheard say, with +a scornful glance at the gentlemen who crowded round me, 'Really the +trick takes admirably!' Mr Maitland now making his way towards me, said +very coldly, 'Miss Percy, if you are inclined to go home, I shall attend +you.' I was provoked at his unconcern for an uneasiness of which he had +been the chief cause; and carelessly answering that I should not go home +for an hour or two, accepted Lord Frederick's arm, and sauntered round +the room. + +During the rest of the evening, I paid no further attention to my +father's friend. Once or twice I thought of him, and with an indistinct +feeling of self-reproach; but I was occupied with the assiduities of my +new admirer, and had no leisure to consider of propriety. I saw, too, or +fancied that I saw, Lady Maria make some attempts to detach her brother +from me, and I had therefore double enjoyment in detaining him by my +side. Though she affected indifference, I could easily see that she +continued to watch us; and as often as I perceived her eye turned +towards us, I laughed, flirted, and redoubled the demonstrations of our +mutual good understanding. About five in the morning the party +separated; and I, more worn out by the affectation, than exhilarated by +the reality of merriment, returned home. Lord Frederick attended me to +my carriage; and Mr Maitland having handed in Miss Arnold, bowed without +speaking, and retired. + +Some very excellent and judicious persons maintain a custom of calling +to mind every night the transactions of the day; but even if the habit +of self-examination had at all entered into my system, this was +manifestly no season for its exercise. Completely exhausted, I dropped +asleep even while my poor weary maid was undressing me; and closed a day +of folly, pride, and enmity, without one serious, one repentant thought. + +But why do I particularise one day? My whole course of life was aptly +described in a short dialogue with Mr Maitland. 'Miss Percy,' said he, +'I hope you are not the worse for the fatigues of last night.'--'Not in +the least, sir.'--'Well, then, are you any thing the better for them? Do +you look back on your amusement with pleasure?'--'No, I must confess, I +do not. Besides, I have not leisure to look back, I am so busily looking +forward to this evening's opera.' + +Mr Maitland, sighing from the very bottom of his heart, gave me a look +which said, as intelligibly as a look could speak, 'Unfortunate, +misguided girl!' We were alone; and I was half inclined to bid him give +utterance to his sentiments, and tell me all the follies which, in his +secret soul, he ascribed to me. Pride was struggling with my respect for +his opinion, when Lord Frederick de Burgh was admitted; and the voice of +candour, and of common sense, was never again allowed to mingle discord +with the sounds of the 'harp and the viol.' + +I had entered the throng who were in chase of pleasure, and I was not +formed for a languid pursuit. It became the employment of every day, of +every hour. My mornings were spent at auctions, exhibitions, and +milliners' shops; my evenings wherever fashionable folly held her court. +Miss Mortimer attempted gently to stem the torrent. She endeavoured to +remove my temptation to seek amusement abroad, by providing it for me at +home; but I had drunk of the inebriating cup, and the temperate draught +was become tasteless to me. She tried to convince my reason; but reason +was in a deep sleep, and stirred no further than to repulse the hand +which would have roused. She attempted to persuade me; and I, to escape +the subject, told her, that when I had fulfilled the engagements which +were to occupy every moment of my time for the six succeeding weeks, I +would, on some rainy Sunday, stay at home all day, and patiently swallow +my whole dose of lecture at a sitting. I look back with astonishment +upon her patient endurance of my impertinences. But she saw my follies +with the pity of a superior nature; aware, indeed, of the tremendous +difference between her state and mine, yet remembering who it was that +had 'made her to differ.' + +Finding her own efforts fruitless, she endeavoured to obtain my father's +interposition. But my father considered all human kind as divided into +two classes, those who were to labour for riches, and those who were to +enjoy them; and he saw no reason for restricting me in the use of any +pleasure for which I could afford to pay. Besides, he secretly regarded +with some contempt the confined notions of Miss Mortimer, and was not +without his share of elation in the triumphs which I won. He delighted +to read, in the Morning Chronicle, that at Lady G----'s ball, the +brilliancy of Miss Percy's jewels had never been surpassed, save by the +eyes of the lovely wearer. He chuckled over the paragraph which +announced my approaching nuptials with the young Duke of ----, although +he, at the same time, declared with an oath, that 'he would take care +how he gave his daughter and his money to a fellow who might be ashamed +of his father-in-law.' Indeed he took great pleasure in bringing my +suitors, especially those of noble birth, to the point of explicit +proposal, and then overwhelming them with a tremendous preponderance of +settlement. He rejected, in this way, some unexceptionable offers; for +my splendid prospects outweighed all my folly and extravagance. I left +these matters entirely to his arrangement, for I had neither wish nor +love that did not centre in amusement. I sometimes wondered, however, +what were his intentions in regard of me, and more than half suspected +that they pointed towards Mr Maitland; but I never recollected Mr +Maitland's manner towards me, without laughing at the absurdity of such +a scheme. + +In the mean time, along with a few sober suitors, I attracted danglers +innumerable; for I was the fashion; admired by fashionable men; envied +by fashionable women; and, of course, raved of by their humbler mimics +of both sexes. Each had his passing hour of influence, but the lord of +the ascendant was Lord Frederick de Burgh. He was handsome, showy, +extravagant, and even more the fashion than myself. He danced well, +drove four-in-hand, and was a very Oedipus in expounding anagrams and +conundrums. Yet it was not to these advantages alone that he owed my +preference. These might have won for him the smiles which he shared with +fifty others; but he was indebted for my peculiar grace to his +relationship with Lady Maria. + +The mutual dislike of this lady and myself had been confirmed by seven +years interchange of impertinences; nor was it in the least degree +mitigated by the new circumstances in which we were placed. The leader +of fashion, for the winter, was nearly related to the De Burgh family, +and she had perhaps a stronger connection with me--she owed my father +12,000_l._ Thus she naturally became the chaperon, both to Lady Maria +and myself; and we often met in circles where a person of my rank is +usually considered as an intruder. Lady Maria, proud of an ancient +family, resented this intrusion, the more, perhaps, because I trespassed +upon rights, still dearer than the privileges of rank. I, too proud +myself to tolerate pride in another, lost no opportunity of retort; and +my ingenuity in discovering these occasions was probably heightened by +the necessity of improving them with due regard to the rules of +politeness. Our mutual acquaintance, accustomed to witness genteel +indications of hatred, soon learnt to please, by gentle sarcasms against +an absent rival; and we were never without some good-natured friend, who +could hint to each whatever debt she owed to the malice of the other. I +know not how Lady Maria might feel; but I was alternately pleased with +these sacrifices to my malevolence, and mortified by perceiving, that it +was visible to every common observer. I attempted to conceal what I was +ashamed to avow; but the arrogance and irascibility, still more than the +natural openness of my temper, unfitted me for caution; and between the +fear of exposing my rancour, and my eagerness to give it vent,--between +my quick sensibility to civil scorn, and my impatience to repay it in +kind,--I endured more pain than it would have cost me to banish from my +breast every vindictive thought. + +How does one disorderly passion place us at the mercy of every creature +who will use it as a tool to serve his purpose! Even my maid endeavoured +to make her peace after the destruction of a favourite cap, by telling +me that she had quitted Lady Maria's service for mine, because she had +no pleasure in dressing her last lady, who, she said, 'was little bigger +than a doll, and not much wiser.' Miss Arnold, who, in spite of her +obsequious endeavours to please, had one day the misfortune to offend +her capricious patroness, was restored to immediate favour, by +informing me, that 'the whole town believed Lady Maria's pretended cold +to be nothing but a fit of vexation, because her father had permitted +Lord Frederick to pay his addresses to me.' + +In spite of the belief of the 'whole town,' however, Lord Frederick was +still nothing more than a dangler; nor had I the slightest desire to +attract his more particular regards. I was even afraid that he should, +by a serious proposal, oblige me to dispense with his future attentions, +and thereby deprive me of the amusement of witnessing the frowns, and +tosses, and fidgetings, with which Lady Maria watched a flirtation +always redoubled when she was near. + +This amusement, indeed, was obtained at the expense of incurring some +animadversion. My competitors for fashion, and of course for the notice +of fashionable men, revenged themselves for my superior success by +sarcastic comments upon my supposed conquest; each obliquely +insinuating, that she might have transferred it to herself, if she could +have descended to such means as I employed. These innuendos, however, +were softened ere they reached my ear, into gentle raillery,--friendly +questions, as to the time when I was to bless Lord Frederick with my +hand,--and tender-hearted expostulations on the cruelty of delay. Miss +G---- would speak to me in the most compassionate terms, of the envy +which my conquest excited in her poor friend Miss L----; and Miss L----, +in her turn, would implore me to marry Lord Frederick, were it only to +put poor Miss G---- out of suspense. That which should have alarmed my +caution, only flattered my vanity. Instead of discountenancing the +attacks of my acquaintance by calm and steady opposition, I invited them +by feeble defence; or at best, parried them with a playfulness which +authorised their repetition. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + _Here eloquence herself might plead in vain, + Nor one of all the heartless crowd could gain. + And thou! O sweeter than the muse's song, + Affection's voice divine! with cold disdain, + Even thou art heard; while mid th' insulting throng + Thy daunted shivering form moves timidly along._ + + Mrs Tighe. + + +Marriage is like sin; if we often allow it to be presented to our view, +we learn to look without starting. I was supremely indifferent towards +Lord Frederick, and never entertained one serious thought of becoming +his wife; but I suffered myself to be rallied upon our future +connection, till the idea excited no distinct sentiment of +disapprobation; and till by degrees I forgot to make up for the +faintness of my denials, by the strength of my inward resolutions +against the match. Perhaps I should describe my case more correctly, +were I to own that I formed no plan for the future; all my serious +consideration being reserved for the comparative merits of satin and +velvet, or of an assembly and an opera. The reputation of Lord +Frederick's attentions gave me much more pleasure than the attentions +themselves; and my companions knew how to flatter me, by reminding me of +his assiduities. + +Of all my remembrancers, the most persevering, if not the most vehement, +was Miss Arnold. She had made her calculations on the increased +importance which rank might give her patroness; and, with her accustomed +shrewdness, chose the means most effectual for promoting her object. She +did not, indeed, like others of my acquaintance, rally me upon marriage; +on the contrary, she rather affected some delicacy upon that subject; +but, in Lord Frederick's absence, she made him her constant theme; and +the moment he approached, she resigned to him her place by my side. As +she had intimate access to my mind, she knew how to accommodate her +attacks to my prevailing sentiments. At first, she confined herself to +chronicling the symptoms of Lady Maria's jealousy and spite; amusing me +with pictures, half mimic, half descriptive, of the ill-concealed malice +of my foe, and instigating me to further irritation. Next, she began to +mingle her register with hints of having observed, that the sport was +becoming a serious one to Lord Frederick. I was at first little inclined +to credit a circumstance which would have added to the impropriety of my +favourite amusement; but when at last Miss Arnold's instances, and my +own exuberant vanity, convinced me of the fact, some remains of justice +and humanity prompted me to a change of conduct. + +'If Lord Frederick has really taken it into his wise head to be in love +with me,' said I to her one day when we were alone, 'I believe, Juliet, +I ought to carry the jest no farther.' + +I spoke with great gravity, for I was half afraid that she must be of my +opinion. She looked steadily in my face, as if to see whether I were in +earnest; and then burst into a hearty fit of laughter.--'Ridiculous!' +cried she: 'what! you expect him to die of it, do you? Really, my dear, +I did not think you had been so romantic.' + +I believe I blushed for appearing to over-rate a passion which my +companion considered as so frivolous; and answered carelessly, 'Oh! I +dare say he'll survive it; but one would not wilfully give uneasiness, +however trivial, you know.' + +'Bagatelle! you, who make a hundred hearts ache every day, to trouble +your conscience about one stray thing! Besides, I'll answer for it, that +the affair upon the whole will give him more pleasure than pain. How +many sighs, such as lordlings breathe, would it require to repay Lord +Frederick for that air of yours, as you turned to him last night from +young Lord Glendower!' + +'Ah! but that pleasure was a free gift, Juliet. I have no right to make +him pay for it; besides, Glendower is such a fool, that it was really a +relief to get rid of him. But, to be serious, I believe I shall effect +my retreat with the better grace, the sooner I begin it.' + +Miss Arnold was silent for a few moments, apparently pondering the +matter; then, with an air of mature reflection, said, 'Well! perhaps, +upon the whole, you may be right. Your indifference will probably cure +Lord Frederick; besides, it will be a double charity,--it will be such a +relief to Lady Maria, poor girl! I confess, Ellen, I am often sorry for +her. Did you observe what a passion she was in last night when Lord +Frederick would not quit you to dance with Lady Augusta Loftus?' + +'It was provoking to see one's brother show so little taste,' answered +I, pulling myself up, and trying to suppress a simper. 'I should have +thought I had no chance with Lady Augusta.' + +'Not, indeed,' returned Miss Arnold, with a contemptuous smile, 'if +every one judged like Lady Maria de Burgh; and estimated a woman, like a +carrot, by the length of root she had under ground! Oh! what a passion +she will be in when Lord Frederick makes his proposals, and is refused!' + +'But if I go much farther, Juliet, how can I refuse him? I can't tell +the man that I have been drawing him on merely for the purpose of +teasing his sister.' + +'Well,' returned Miss Arnold, 'after all, I believe you are right; so +just do as you please. Your father, to be sure, might easily manage that +matter,--but do as you please.' + +She knew that she might safely intrust me with this permission; secure +that, even if my resolutions were good, they would be ineffective. To +shake off the attentions of a man who has once been encouraged, requires +more firmness than usually falls to the lot of woman. Besides, Lord +Frederick had habit in his favour; and, with those who are neither +guided by reason nor principle, habit is omnipotent. Pride, too, refused +to resign the only means of repaying Lady Maria's scorn; and, in spite +of the momentary checks of conscience, the flirtation proceeded just as +before. + +While my soi-disant friend encouraged my follies, no Mentor was at hand +to repress them. My father, mingling little in the circles which I +frequented, was ignorant of the encouragement which I gave to Lord +Frederick. Miss Mortimer, ill calculated to arrest the notice of the gay +and the giddy, was almost excluded from the endless invitations which +were addressed to me. The public amusements, which consumed so much of +my time, were unsuitable to her habits, to her principles, and to the +delicacy of her health. Thus she was seldom the witness of my +indiscretions. There is, indeed, no want of people who serve all +scandalous tales as the monasteries were wont to do poor strangers, +dress them out a little, and help them on their way. But these +charitable persons care not to consign a calumny to those who will +neither welcome nor advance it; and Miss Mortimer's declared aversion to +scandal kept her ignorant of some of the real, and much of the fabulous +history of her acquaintance. Accordingly, my intimacy with Lord +Frederick had, for almost three months, excited the smiles, the envy, or +the censure of 'every body one knows,' when Miss Mortimer was surprised +into hearing a copious account of my imprudence from a lady, who +declared 'that she was quite concerned to see that lovely girl, Miss +Percy, give so much occasion for censorious tales!' Who could doubt the +kindness of that concern which led her to detail my errors to my friend, +while she delicately forbore from hinting them to myself! My entrance +happening to interrupt her narrative, I heard her say, with great +emphasis,--'So very ridiculous, that I thought it an act of +friendship----' But, seeing me, she stopped; frowned very significantly +at Miss Mortimer; and then, resuming her complacency of countenance, she +accosted me in the most affectionate manner, protesting that she +rejoiced in being so fortunate as to meet with me. 'I was just telling +Miss Mortimer,' said she, 'that I never saw you look so lovely as when +you were delighting us all with that divine concerto upon the harp last +night.' In the same style she ran on for about three minutes; then +declaring, that she always forgot how time went when she was visiting +us, she hurried away; first, however, repeating her frown to Miss +Mortimer, accompanied with a cautioning shake of the head. + +I turned towards my real friend, and observed that she was looking on me +through rising tears. We were alone, and I think I was always less +indocile, less unamiable, when there were few witnesses of my behaviour. +Touched with the affectionate concern that was painted in her face, +before I knew what I was doing, I had locked her hand in mine, and had +enquired 'what was the matter with my good friend?' + +'My dearest Ellen,' returned she, and her mild eyes filled again, 'would +you but allow me to be your friend! But I will not talk to you now. That +prating woman has discomposed me.' + +My conscience at that moment giving warning of a lecture in embryo, I +instantly recollected myself. 'Oh!' cried I, 'how can you mind what she +says? She is so prodigal of her talk, that her own stores are nothing to +her. She must depend upon the public for supply, and you know what the +proverb says of "begging and choosing." But I must be gone; I promised +to meet Lady Waller at the exhibition. Good-by.' + +My reader, especially if he be a male reader, will more easily conceive +than I can express, the abhorrence of rebuke which, at this period of my +life, was strong upon me. I believe I could with more patience have +endured a fit of cramp, than the most gentle reproof that ever +friendship administered. By Miss Arnold's help, I for some days escaped +the admonitions of Miss Mortimer, till I was unfortunately placed at her +mercy, by an indisposition which I caught in striving, for two hours, to +make my way through the Duchess of ----'s lobby on the night of a rout. +The first day of my illness, Miss Arnold was pretty constantly at my +bed-side. The second, she was obliged to dine abroad, and could not +return before two o'clock in the morning. The third, while she was gone +to the auction to buy some toy which I had intended purchasing, I +received permission to leave my chamber; and Miss Mortimer, who had +scarcely quitted me by day or night, attended me to my dressing-room. + +From mere habit, I approached my glass; but three days of illness had +destroyed its power to please. 'Bless me,' cried I, 'what shall I do? I +am not fit to be seen! And I am dying to see somebody or other. Do, +Grant, tell them to let in Mr Maitland, if he calls. It is ten to one +that he will not observe what a haggard wretch I look.' + +'I have heard,' said Miss Mortimer, 'that love-lorn damsels sigh for +solitude. I hope your inclination for company is a sign that your heart +is still safe, in spite of reports to the contrary.' She forced a smile, +yet looked in my face with such sad earnestness, as if she had wished, +but feared to read my soul. + +There is no escape now, thought I, so I must make the best of it. 'Quite +safe,' answered I; 'so safe that I scarcely know whether I have one. I +rather imagine, that in me, as in certain heroines whom I have read of +at school, a deficiency has been made on one side, on purpose that I +might wound with greater dexterity and success.' + +'I rejoice to hear you say so,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'and still more +to see by that candid countenance, that you are not deceiving yourself. +I knew that you were above deceiving me.' + +'Nay,' said I, 'I won't answer for that, if I had any thing serious to +conceal; but there is no cause for deceit. I would not give my dear Fido +here for all other animals of his sex upon earth, except my father +and----' + +'And whom?' asked Miss Mortimer. + +'I was going to say Mr Maitland,' answered I, 'because he is so good a +man; but Fido is a hundred times more affectionate and amusing.' + +Miss Mortimer now smiled without trying it. 'Mr Maitland is, indeed, a +good man,' said she; 'and if you would show him half the kindness and +attention that you do to Fido----' + +She too, left the sentence unfinished. Now, though I had not, I believe, +a thought of finding a lover in Mr Maitland, I often recollected, not +without pique, Miss Mortimer's first decision on that subject; and, with +a vague idea that she was going to recant, I said, with some quickness, +'Well, what would happen if I did?' + +'You would find him quite as amusing,' answered she. + +'Is that all?' said I, poutingly; 'then I may as well amuse myself with +Lord Frederick, who does not give me the trouble of drawing him out.' + +In my momentary pet I had started the very subject which I wished to +avoid. Miss Mortimer instantly took advantage of my inadvertence. 'A +little more caution,' said she, gravely, 'may be necessary in the one +case than in the other; for Mr Maitland, far from wilfully misleading +you, would guard the delicacy of your good name with a father's +jealousy.' + +'In what respect does Lord Frederick mislead me?' + +'Nay, I will not assert that he does; but, my dear Ellen, our +grandmothers used to warn us against the arts of men. They represented +lovers as insidious spoilers, subtle to contrive, and forward to seize +every occasion of advantage. I fear the nature of the pursuer remains +the same, though the pursuit be transferred from our persons to our +fortunes.' + +'Gorgons, and hydras, and chimeras dire!' exclaimed I; 'what a train you +have conjured up! But I can assure you, Lord Frederick is no insidious +spoiler, nor subtle, nor very bold; but a good-natured, giddy-brained +fellow, no more a match for me in cunning than I am for him at the +small-sword.' + +'Take care, Ellen. We all over-rate ourselves where we are deficient. No +part of your character is more striking than your perfect singleness of +heart.' + +'But what need is there of so much caution. I may as well marry Lord +Frederick as any body else. He wants fortune, I want rank. The bargain +would be very equitable. What objection could there be to it?' + +'None,' replied Miss Mortimer, with a deep sigh, 'provided that your +father were satisfied; and, which is, if possible, of still more +importance, provided you are sure that Lord Frederick is the man whom +your sober judgment would approve.' + +'What! would you have me marry on mere sober judgment?' + +'No, I would not go quite so far; but, at least, I would not have you +marry against your sober judgment. Much, very much, will depend upon the +character of your husband. Toys cannot always please you, Ellen; for you +have warm affections. These affections may meet with neglect, perhaps +with unkindness; and have your habits fitted you for patient endurance? +You have strong feelings; and have you learnt the blessed art of +weakening their power upon your own mind, by diverting them into less +selfish channels?' + +She spoke with such warmth as flushed her cheek with almost youthful +bloom; while I smiled at the solemnity with which she treated a subject +so far from serious; and inwardly pitied that ignorance of the world, +which could so much mistake the nature of a harmless flirtation. 'Oh!' +cried I, 'if I were to marry Lord Frederick, I should support his +neglect with great philosophy; and as for unkindness, we could provide +against that in the settlements.' + +Miss Mortimer's manner grew still more solemn. 'Answer me as gaily as +you will,' said she, 'but, by all that you value, my dearest child, I +adjure you to be serious with yourself. You have told me that you mean +one day to change your plan of life,--to put away childish things,--to +begin your education for eternity. Is Lord Frederick well fitted to be +your companion,--your assistant in this mighty work?' + +This view of the subject was far too awful for sport, far too just for +raillery, and far too grave for my taste; so I hastened to dismiss the +theme. 'Well, well, my good Miss Mortimer,' said I, 'be under no +apprehensions; I have not the slightest intention of marrying Lord +Frederick.' + +'If that be the case,' returned she, 'suffer me to ask why you encourage +his attentions.' + +'Merely for the sake of a little amusement,' answered I. + +'Ah, Ellen!' said Miss Mortimer, 'how many young women are lured on by +the same bait, till they have no honourable means of escape; and marry +without even inclination to excuse their folly or mitigate its effects! +Let the warning voice of experience----' + +The warning voice was, at that moment, silenced by the entrance of Miss +Arnold. 'Here, Ellen,' said she, 'is a packet for you, which I found in +the lobby.--What have you got there?' continued she, as I opened it. + +'A note from Lord Frederick, and two tickets to Lady St Edmunds' masked +ball.' + +'Delightful! When is it to be?' + +'On Monday, the fifth of May.' + +'Oh, we have no engagement; that is charming!' + +Miss Arnold skipped about, and seemed quite in ecstasies. Miss Mortimer, +on the contrary, looked gravely intent upon her work. Her gravity, and +the extravagance of Juliet's raptures, alike restrained my pleasure; and +I only expressed it by saying, with tolerable composure, that of all +amusements, a masked ball was the one which I most desired to see. + +'Oh! it will be enchanting!' cried Miss Arnold. 'What dresses shall we +wear, Ellen?' + +Miss Mortimer having cut a cap, which she had been shaping, into more +than fifty shreds, now leant earnestly towards me; and, timid and +faltering, as if she feared my answer, asked, 'if I would accept of Lord +Frederick's tickets?' + +'To be sure she will,' said Miss Arnold, answering for me. + +'Why should I not?' said I. + +'I hope you will at least consider the matter,' returned Miss Mortimer, +still addressing herself particularly to me. 'This sort of amusement is +regarded with suspicion by all sober-minded persons; and I own I could +wish that Miss Percy thought this a sufficient reason for refusing it +her countenance.' + +'I am sure that is a nonsensical prejudice,' cried Miss Arnold. 'At a +subscription masquerade, indeed, one might meet with low people, but at +Lady St Edmunds' there will be none but the best company in town.' + +'The best _born_ company, I suppose you mean,' answered Miss Mortimer; +'but I imagine, that the very use of masks is to banish the privileges +and the restraints of personal respectability.' + +'Nay now, my dear Miss Mortimer!' cried I, playfully laying my hand upon +her mouth, 'pray don't throw away that nice lecture; you know I never +was at a masquerade in my life, and you would not be so savage as to +prose me out of going to one! only one!' + +'If I thought there were any chance of success,' said Miss Mortimer, +smiling affectionately on me, 'I would make captives of these little +hands till I tried all my rhetoric.' + +'It would be all lost,' cried I, 'for positively I must and will go.' +Miss Mortimer's countenance fell; for she knew that in spite of the +sportiveness of my manner, I was inaccessible to conviction; she +clearly perceived, though I was unconscious of the association, that my +pride connected an idea of rebellious presumption with whatever thwarted +my inclination; and she saw that no argument was likely to find +admission, where, instead of being welcomed as an honest counsellor, it +was guarded against as an insolent mutineer. + +After a short silence, she changed her point of attack. 'If,' said she, +'your acceptance of Lord Frederick's tickets implies any obligation to +accept his particular attendance, I think, Ellen, you will see the +prudence of refusing them.' + +Recollecting our late conversation, I felt myself embarrassed, and knew +not what to answer. But my companion quickly relieved my dilemma. +'Indeed, Miss Mortimer,' said she, 'you know nothing of these matters. +Ellen cannot invite gentlemen to Lady St Edmunds' house, so it is clear +that we must allow Lord Frederick to go with us; but when we are there, +we shall soon find attendants enough.' + +'Yes,' said I, willing to satisfy Miss Mortimer; 'and when we get into +the rooms, we shall be under the Countess's protection, and may shake +off the gentlemen as soon as we choose.' + +Miss Mortimer looked more and more anxious. 'What protection can Lady St +Edmunds afford you,' said she, 'where hundreds around her have equal +claims; and left in such a place without any guard but your own +discretion?--dearest Ellen, I beseech you, return these tickets.' + +Though I was far from owning to myself that Miss Mortimer was in the +right, I could not entirely suppress the consciousness that my +resistance was wrong. The consequence was, that I grew angry with her +for making me displeased with myself, and peevishly answered, that I +would not return the tickets, nor be debarred from a harmless amusement +by any body's unfounded prejudices. + +'Call them prejudices, or what you will, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, in +a voice which I must have been a savage to resist, 'only yield to them!' + +My self-condemnation, and of course my ill-humour, were increased by her +mildness; and, forgetting all her claims to my respect, all her patient +affection, all her saint-like forbearance, I turned upon her with the +petulance of a spoiled child, and asked, 'who gave her a right to thwart +and importune me?' Tears rushed to her meek eyes. 'It was your mother! +Ellen,' cried she; 'when she bade me, in remembrance of our long and +faithful friendship, to watch and advise, and restrain her child. Will +you not give me up a few short hours of pleasure for her sake?' + +I was overpowered and burst into tears; yet tears, I must own, as much +of spleen as of tenderness. Such as they were, I was ashamed of them; +and dashing them away, snatched the tickets and enclosed them in a short +note of apology to Lord Frederick. 'Are you going to return them?' cried +Miss Arnold, looking over my shoulder at what I had written, and +speaking in a tone of the utmost surprise. 'Certainly!' said I, in a +manner so decided, that without the least attempt to oppose my design, +she sat down opposite to me, as if taking wistfully her last look of the +tickets. + +'Pull the bell, Juliet,' said I, somewhat triumphantly, as I sealed the +note. + +'Give me the note,' said Miss Arnold, 'I am going down stairs, and will +give it to a servant. It is a pity the poor creatures should have +unnecessary trouble.' She took the packet, and quitted the room. + +Miss Mortimer, the big drops still trickling down her cheek, pressed my +hand, as if she would have thanked me, had her voice been at her +command. Conscious of having made a proper sacrifice, I involuntarily +recovered my good humour; but my pride refused to let my kind friend +think her victory complete; and, releasing my hand, I turned away with +cold stateliness. + +But what am I doing? Is the world peopled with Miss Mortimers, that I +should expect its forbearance for such a character as mine?--No; but I +will endure the shame which I have merited. Detest me, reader. I was +worthy of your detestation! Throw aside, if you will, my story in +disgust. Yet remember, that indignation against vice is not of itself +virtue. Your abhorrence of pride and ingratitude is no farther genuine, +than, as it operates against your own pride, your own ingratitude. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + _Yet still thy good and amiable gifts + The sober dignity of virtue wear not._ + + Joanna Baillie. + + +As soon as Miss Arnold and I were alone, she renewed the subject of the +masked ball. 'Well, Ellen!' cried she, 'I protest, I never was so much +astonished as at your simplicity in returning those tickets. That old +woman really winds you about just as she pleases.' + +'No, I am not quite so pliant,' answered I, somewhat piqued; 'but after +the footing upon which Miss Mortimer put her request, I do not see how I +could refuse it.' + +'She has art enough to know where you are most accessible,' said Miss +Arnold, well knowing that nothing was more likely to stir the proud +spirit than a suspicion of being duped. 'It is really provoking to see +you so managed!' continued she; 'and now to have her trick us out of +this ball, where we should have been so happy! You would have looked +quite enchanting as a sultana! and your diamond plume would have been +divine in the front of your turban, and----' + +She ran on describing our dresses and characters, enlarging on the +amusement of which my ill-timed facility had deprived us, till I was +thoroughly indignant at Miss Mortimer's interference. 'I am sure,' +interrupted I, 'I wish I had not allowed myself to be wheedled over like +a great baby; but I promise you that she shan't find it so easy to +persuade me another time.' Then I proceeded to reproach my own want of +spirit; for we can all attack ourselves where we are invulnerable. 'If I +had not been the tamest creature in the world,' said I, 'I should not +have yielded the matter; but it is in vain to talk of it now.' + +'Why in vain?' cried Miss Arnold with vivacity. + +'You know,' answered I, 'that now when we have returned the tickets +nothing more can be done.' + +'What if we could still have the tickets?' said Miss Arnold. + +'Impossible!' said I; 'I would not condescend to ask them again from +Lord Frederick.' + +'But,' said Miss Arnold, throwing her arm round my neck with an +insinuating smile, 'what if I, seeing that my dearest Ellen's heart was +set upon this ball, and guessing that she would soon repent of her +saint-errantry, had slily put the tickets into my pocket, and could +produce them thus' (showing me a corner of them), 'at this very moment?' + +I was thunderstruck. In spite of eight years' intimacy, Miss Arnold had +miscalculated upon my sentiments, when she expected me to approve of +this manoeuvre. Confidence in my mother's mildness and affection had +instilled into my infant mind habits of sincerity; habits which she had +strengthened less by precept than by encouragement and example. The tint +had been infused at the fountain head, and it still coloured the stream. +A dead silence followed Miss Arnold's discovery; she, waiting to hear my +sentiments, I not caring to speak them; she looking intently in my face, +I gazing steadfastly on the tickets, without recollecting that I held +them in my hand. + +'How could we produce them to Miss Mortimer?' said I, at last, pursuing +my reflections aloud. 'She confidently believes that they are gone; and +she will think this such a piece of--' cunning, I would have said, but I +could not utter the ungracious truth to the kind creature, who had erred +purely to oblige me. 'She would be so astonished!' continued I: 'and +only this morning she praised my ingenuousness! I cannot keep these +tickets.' + +'Oh!' cried Miss Arnold, 'I am sure there is no disingenuousness on your +part. It was not you who detained the tickets. I will tell her honestly +how the matter stands. I would be chidden for a month rather than that +you should lose this ball,--you would be so happy, and so much admired!' + +'My dear, kind-hearted Juliet! you cannot suppose that I will take +advantage of your good nature! You would not have me buy my pleasure at +the expense of injuring you in any one's good opinion? No, no; were I to +keep these tickets it should be at my own hazard.' + +I think Miss Arnold blushed; and she certainly hesitated a moment before +she replied,--'I assure you I do not care a straw for her good opinion. +What signify the whims of people who think like nobody else?' + +Of all my acquaintance, Mr Maitland alone joined Miss Mortimer in +'thinking like nobody else;' and a recollection of him glanced across my +mind. The association was not over favourable to Miss Arnold's purpose. +'Some of the most sensible men in the kingdom think like Miss Mortimer,' +said I. + +'The most sensible men in the kingdom often think wrong,' returned Miss +Arnold. 'Besides, what signify their thoughts, so long as they dare not +tell us them?' + +'Some of them do dare,' said I with a sigh. + +'Come, come, Ellen,' said Juliet, 'do you keep the tickets, and I shall +willingly take the blame. Be satisfied with being afraid of the men and +the methodists yourself; you will never make me so.' + +'Afraid!' The word jarred upon my spirit. 'Afraid!' repeated I; 'I fear +no mortal! but I scorn to do what the coldest, most correct man in +England could think dishonourable. I would not be despised for all the +pleasures under heaven! I will send back these tickets this moment.' + +I turned proudly away, wholly unconscious how much the sense of honour +was indebted to the opportune remembrance of Mr Maitland, and as +confident in my own integrity as if it had already been seven times +tried in the furnace. I rang the bell; delivered, with my own hand, the +tickets to a servant; and never in my life felt more conscious of my +advantages of stature. I forgot the languor of indisposition. I walked +with the springing step of exultation. I forgave Miss Mortimer my +disappointment. I was grateful to Juliet for her kind intentions. Every +object was pleasing, for it shone with the reflected light of +self-approbation. My evening was cheerful, though comparatively lonely; +my sleep refreshing, though unbought by exercise. I could have wished +that it had been allowable to tell Miss Mortimer all my cause of +triumph; and once (such is the selfishness of pride) I entertained a +thought of boasting to her my second sacrifice to propriety; but, when I +remembered the meanness of betraying my friend to censure, the base +suggestion vanished from my mind; and again I inwardly applauded my own +rectitude, instead of blushing that such a thought could have found +entrance into my soul. + +Almost for the first time in my life I wished for Mr Maitland's +presence; probably, though I did not shape the idea to myself, in the +hope that he would confirm my self-esteem. But he came not to take +advantage of my order for excluding all visiters except himself. The +next day, however, he called; and as I was still somewhat indisposed, he +was admitted to my _boudoir_. He had not been seated many minutes, when +Miss Mortimer adverted to my late sacrifice. 'You must assist me with +your invention, Mr Maitland,' said she. 'I want to make Monday, the 5th +of May, the happiest day in the season, and as gay as is consistent with +happiness.' + +'My intention is quite at your service,' said Mr Maitland; 'but why is +the 5th of May to be so distinguished?' + +'I am deeply in Miss Percy's debt for amusement on that day; for it was +fixed for a masked ball, which she has given up at my request.' + +I stole a glance at Mr Maitland, and saw his countenance relax +pleasantly. 'I dare say,' said he, 'you owe Miss Percy nothing on that +account, for she will have more pleasure in complying with your wish +than twenty masked balls would have given her.' + +'I am not sure of that,' cried I; 'for of all things on earth, I should +like to see a masked ball.' + +'Must I then, per force, allow you some merit for relinquishing this +one?' said Mr Maitland, seating himself by my side, with such a smile of +playful kindness as he sometimes bestowed on Miss Mortimer. 'But why,' +continued he, 'should you, of all women, desire to appear in masquerade? +Come, confess that you believe you may conceal more charms than fall to +the lot of half your sex, and still defy competition.' + +'You may more charitably suppose,' returned I, 'that I am humbly +desirous to escape comparisons.' + +'Nay,' said Mr Maitland, with a smile which banished all the severity of +truth, 'that would imply too sudden a reformation. Would you have me +believe that you have conquered your besetting sin since the last time +we met?' + +'How have you the boldness,' said I, smiling, 'to talk to me of +besetting sin?' + +'As I would talk to a soldier of his scars,' said Mr Maitland. 'You +think it an honourable blemish.' + +'This is too bad!' cried I, 'not only to call me vain, but to tell me +that I pique myself on my vanity!' + +'Ay,' returned Mr Maitland, dryly, 'on your vanity, or your pride, or +your----, call it what you will.' + +'Well, pride let it be,' said I. 'Surely there is a becoming pride, +which every woman ought to have.' + +'A becoming pride!' repeated Mr Maitland; 'the phrase sounds well; now +tell me what it means.' + +'It means--it means--that is, I believe it means--that sort of dignity +which keeps your saucy sex from presuming too far.' + +'What connection is there, think you, between cautious decency,--that +peculiar endearing instinct of a woman,--and inordinate +self-estimation?' + +'Oh! I would not have my pride inordinate. I would merely have a +comfortable respect for myself and my endowments, to keep up my spirit, +that I might not be a poor domestic animal to run about tame with the +chickens, and cower with them into a corner as oft as lordly man +presented his majestic port before me!--No! I hope I shall never lose my +spirit. What should I be without it?' + +'Far be it from me to reduce you so deplorably!' said Mr Maitland; +beginning with a smile, though, before he ceased to speak, the +seriousness of strong interest stole over his countenance. 'But what if +Miss Percy, intrusted with every gift of nature and of fortune, should +remember that still they were only trusts, and should fear to abuse +them? What if, like a wise steward, instead of valuing herself upon the +extent of her charge, she should study how to render the best account of +it? What would you then be? All that your warmest friends could wish +you. You would cease to covet--perhaps to receive--the adulation of +fools; and gain, in exchange, the respect, the strong affection, of +those who can look beyond a set of features.' + +The earnestness with which Mr Maitland spoke was so opposite to the cold +composure of his general manner; his eyes, which ever seemed to +penetrate the soul, flashed with such added brightness, that mine fell +before them, and I felt the warm crimson burn on my cheek. I believe no +other man upon earth could have quelled my humour for a moment; but I +had an habitual awe of Mr Maitland, and felt myself really relieved, +when the entrance of my father excused me from replying. + +I knew, by my father's face, that he was full of an important something; +for he merely paid the customary compliment to Mr Maitland, and then +walked silently up and down the room with an air of unusual stateliness +and satisfaction. 'What has pleased you so much this morning, papa?' +enquired I. + +'Pleased, Miss Percy!' returned my father, knitting his brow, and +endeavouring to look out of humour; 'I tell you I am not pleased. I am +teased out of my life on your account by one fellow or another.' Then, +turning to Maitland, he formally apologised for troubling him with +family affairs, though I believe he was, on this occasion, not at all +sorry to have his friend for a hearer. + +'Which of them has been teasing you now, sir?' said I, carelessly. + +'The Duke of C----,' said my father, in a fretful tone, though a smile +was lurking at the corner of his mouth, 'has been here this morning to +make proposals for a match between you and his son Frederick.' + +'Well, sir,' said I, with some little interest in the issue of the +conference; but my curiosity was instantly diverted into another +channel, by a sudden and not very gentle pressure of the hand, which Mr +Maitland had still held, and which he now released. The gesture, however +inadvertent, attracted my eye towards him; but his face was averted, and +my vanity could not extract one particle of food from the careless air +with which he began to turn over the pages of a book which lay upon my +work-table. + +My father proceeded. 'His Grace proposed to settle two thousand pounds +a-year upon his son; no great matter he was forced to confess; but then +he harangued about supporting the dignity of the title, and the hardship +of burdening the representative of the family with extravagant provision +for younger children. But, to balance that, Ellen, he hinted that you +might be a Duchess; for the Marquis, like most of these sprigs of +quality, is of a very weakly constitution. Pity that ancient blood +should so often lose strength in the keeping! Eh, Ellen!' + +My father made a pause, and looked as if he expected that I should now +express some curiosity in regard to his decision, but my pride was +concerned to show my total indifference on the subject; so I sat quietly +adjusting my bracelet, without offering him the slightest encouragement +to proceed. He looked towards Maitland; but Maitland was reading most +intently. He turned to Miss Mortimer; and at last found a listener, who +was trembling with interest which she had not power to express. + +'What think you of the great man's liberality' continued my father. 'Is +not two thousand pounds a-year a mighty splendid offer for a girl like +my Ellen there, with a hundred thousand pounds down, and perhaps twice +as much more before she dies? Eh, Miss Elizabeth? Should not I be a very +sensible fellow, to bring a jackanapes into my house to marry my +daughter, and spend my money, and be obliged to me for the very coat on +his back, and all by way of doing me a great honour forsooth? No, no. +I'll never pay for having myself and my girl looked down upon. She's a +pretty girl, and a clever girl, and the d----l a De Burgh in England can +make his daughter as well worth an honest man's having: eh, Maitland?' + +'Not in your opinion and mine, undoubtedly, sir,' said Maitland, with +the air of a man who is obliged to pay a compliment. + +'I told the old gentleman my mind very distinctly,' said my father, +drawing up his head, and advancing his chest. 'I have given his grandee +pride something to digest, I warrant you. And now he is ashamed of his +repulse, and wants the whole affair kept private forsooth. I am sure it +is none of my concern to trumpet the matter. All the world knows I have +refused better offers for Miss Percy.' + +'If his Grace wishes the affair to be so private,' cried I, 'I am afraid +he won't inform his daughters of it.' + +'You of course will consider it as quite at an end,' said my father, +addressing himself to me. + +'Oh certainly, sir,' answered I; 'but how shall I get the news conveyed +to Lady Maria?' + +'Tell it to a mutual friend as a profound secret,' said Mr Maitland, +dryly. 'But why are you so anxious that Lady Maria should hear of her +brother's disappointment?' + +'Oh because it will provoke her so delightfully,' cried I. 'The +descendant of a hundred and fifty De Burghs to be rejected by a city +merchant's daughter! It will ruin her in laces and lip-salve.' + +I was so enchanted with the prospect of my rival's vexation, that it was +some moments ere I observed that Mr Maitland, actually turning pale, had +shrunk from me as far as the end of the couch would permit him, and sat +leaning his head on his hand with an air of melancholy reflection. +Presently afterwards he was rising to take his leave, when a servant +came to inform Miss Mortimer that Mrs Wells, the woman whom Mr Maitland +had rescued from the effect of my rashness, was below waiting to speak +with her. 'Stay a few minutes, Mr Maitland, and see your protegee,' said +Miss Mortimer to him, as he was bidding her good morning. He immediately +consented; while my father quitted the room, saying, 'If the woman is +come for money, Miss Mortimer, you may let me know. I always send these +people what they want, and have done with them.' + +Mrs Wells, however, was come, not in quest of money, but of a commodity +which the poor need almost as often, though they ask it less frequently. +She wanted advice. Finding that Miss Mortimer was not alone, she was at +first modestly unwilling to intrude upon the attention of the company. +But Mr Maitland, who, I believe, possessed some talisman to unlock at +his pleasure every heart but mine, engaged her by a few simple +expressions of interest to unfold the purpose of her coming. She told +us, that her eldest daughter, Sally, had for some time been courted by a +young man of decent character, and was inclined to marry him. 'The girl +must be a great fool,' thought I, 'for she can neither expect carriages +nor jewels, and what else should tempt any woman to marry?' The lover, +Mrs Wells said, could earn five-and-twenty or thirty shillings a week by +his trade, which was that of a house-carpenter. This, together with +Sally's earnings as a mantua-maker, might maintain the young couple in +tolerable comfort. But they had no house, and could not furnish one +without incurring debts which would be a severe clog on their future +industry. The young man, however, being in love, was inclined to despise +all prudential considerations; and, in spite of her mother's counsels, +had almost inspired his mistress with similar temerity. Mrs Wells +therefore begged of Miss Mortimer to fortify Sally with her advice, and +to set before her the folly of so desperate a venture. 'Thanks to your +excellent mother, Miss Percy,' said she, 'my children have forgotten +poverty; and, indeed, no one rightly knows what it is, but they who have +striven with it as I have. Any other distress one may now and then +forget; but hard creditors, and cold hungry children will not allow one +to forget them.' Her proposal was, that Miss Mortimer should prevail +with the girl to resist her lover's solicitations for a few years, till +the joint savings of the pair might amount to forty or fifty pounds, +which she said would enable them to begin the world reputably. + +'Forty or fifty pounds,' cried I; 'is that all?--Oh! if you are sure +that Sally really wants to be married, I can settle that in a minute. I +am sure I must have more than that left of my quarterly allowance.' + +'What are you talking of, Ellen?' cried Miss Arnold, who had just +entered the room. 'You are not going to give away fifty pounds at once?' + +'Why not?' answered I. 'Probably I shall not want the money; or if I do, +papa will advance my next quarter.' + +I had, I believe, at first offered my gift from a simple emotion of +good-will; but now, taught by my friend's resistance, I began to claim +some merit for my generosity; and glanced towards Mr Maitland in search +of his approving look. But Mr Maitland had no approving look to reward a +liberality which sprang from no principle, and called for no labour, +and inferred no self-denial. His eye was fixed upon me with an +expression of calm compassion, which seemed to say, 'Poor girl! have +even thy best actions no solid virtue in them?' Mrs Wells, however, had +less discrimination. The poor know not what it is to give without +generosity, for they possess nothing which can be spared without +self-denial. Tears of gratitude filled her eyes while she praised and +thanked me; but she positively refused to deprive me of such a sum. 'No, +no,' said she, 'let Robert and Sally work and save for two or three +years; and in that time they will get a habit of patience and good +management, which will be of as much use to them as money.' The +approving look which I had sought was now bestowed upon Mrs Wells. 'You +judge very wisely, Mrs Wells,' said Mr Maitland. 'But two or three years +will seem endless to them; say one year, that we may not frighten them, +and whatever they can both save in that time, I will double to them.' + +Mrs Wells thanked him, not with the servility of dependence, but with +the warmth of one whom kindness had made bold. Then turning to me, and +apologising for the liberty she took, she begged my patronage for Sally +in the way of her business. 'I assure you, ma'am,' said she, 'that Sally +works very nicely; and if she could get the name of being employed by +such as you, she would soon have her hands full.' + +I was thoroughly discomposed by this request. I could part with fifty +pounds with inconvenience, but to wear a gown not made by Mrs Beetham, +was a humiliation to which I could not possibly submit. Unwilling to +disappoint, I knew not what to answer; but Miss Arnold instantly +relieved my dilemma. 'Bless you, good woman,' cried she, 'how could Miss +Percy wear such things as your daughter would make? Before she could +have a pattern, it would be hacked about among half the low creatures in +town.' + +Mrs Wells coloured very deeply. 'I meant no offence,' said she: 'I +thought, perhaps, Miss Percy might direct Sally how she wished her gowns +to be made, and I am sure Sally would do as she was directed.' + +'Indeed, my good friend,' answered I, 'I can no more direct Sally in +making a gown, than in making a steam-engine. But I will ask employment +for her wherever I think I am likely to be successful. Come, Miss +Mortimer, I shall begin with you.' + +'Do,' said Mr Maitland, in his dry manner. 'Miss Mortimer can afford to +spare the attraction of a fashionable gown.' + +It has been since discovered, that Mr Maitland did, that very day, +provide for the accomplishment of his promise, in case that death or +accident should prevent his fulfilling it in person. Miss Mortimer +easily persuaded Sally to pursue the prudent course; and, besides, +exerted her influence so successfully, as to procure employment for +every hour of the girl's time. My profuse offer passed from my mind, +and was forgotten. But their charity,--the charity of Christians,--had +at all times little resemblance to the spurious quality which in my +breast usurped the name. Theirs was the animated virtue, instinct with +life divine!--mine, the mutilated stony image, which even if it had +been complete in all its parts, would still have wanted the living +principle. Theirs was the blessed beam of Heaven, active, constant, +universal!--mine the unprofitable, unsteady flash of the 'troubled sea, +which cannot rest.' + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + _'Her reputation?' That was like her wit, + And seemed her manner and her state to fit. + Something there was--what, none presumed to say, + Clouds lightly passing on a smiling day; + Whispers and hints which went from ear to ear, + And mixed reports no judge on earth could clear._ + + Crabbe. + + +Recovered from my indisposition, I resumed my gay career. But who ever +spent a week in retirement, without projecting some reform, however +partial, some small restraint upon desire, or some new caution in its +gratification? I determined to observe more circumspection in my conduct +towards Lord Frederick; though Miss Arnold laboured to convince me, that +our flirtation might now be carried on with more safety than ever, since +the parties were aware that it could have no serious issue. +_Tete-a-tete_ with her in my dressing-room, I could detect the fallacy +of her arguments, and refused to be misled by them. The most imprudent +being upon earth makes many a judicious resolution; and may trace his +errors less to the weakness of his judgment, than to the feebleness of +his self-command. + +The first party which I joined after my convalescence, was at a concert +and _petit souper_ which Lady G. gave to fifty-eight of her particular +friends. As soon as I entered the room, my attention was arrested by a +group, consisting of Lady Maria de Burgh, her favourite Lady Augusta +Loftus, Lord Frederick, and Lord Glendower. Lady Augusta seemed +assiduous to entertain my admirer, who, lounging against a pillar with +his eyes half shut, appeared only to study how he might answer her with +the slightest possible exertion of mind or muscle. Perceiving me, Lady +Maria touched her friend's arm, as if to direct her eye towards me; then +whispered behind her fan somewhat which seemed immoderately entertaining +to both. A rudeness which ought to have awakened only my pity, roused my +resentment, and I piously resolved to seize an early opportunity of +retort. The party continued their merriment, and I even observed Lady +Augusta endeavouring to engage Lord Frederick to join in it. This was +too much; and I resolved to show Lady Augusta that I was no such +despicable rival. But I had been accustomed to accept, not to solicit +the attentions of Lord Frederick, and I waited till he should accost me. +Lord Frederick, however, seemed entirely insensible to my presence. His +eye did not once wander towards me; indeed the assiduity of his +companion left scarcely even his eyes at liberty. Weary of watching Lady +Augusta's advances to my quondam admirer, I at last condescended to +claim his notice by passing close to him. A distant bow was the only +courtesy which I obtained. I was asked to sing, and chose an elaborate +bravura, which Lord Frederick had often declared to be divine. In the +midst of it I saw him break from his obsequious fair one and approach +me. My heart, I own, bounded with triumph. Premature triumph, alas! He +addressed our hostess, who was bending over me; pleaded indispensable +business; and leaving the divine bravura to more disengaged hearers, +withdrew. + +I was disconcerted; for, like other beauties, I liked better to repulse +presumption than to endure neglect. My song ended, I had remained for +some time sullen and silent, regardless of the lavish commendations +which were poured upon me; when, recollecting that my discomposure would +afford matter of exultation to my rivals, I suddenly rallied my spirits, +and looked round for some new instrument of offence. Lord Glendower, the +reputed suitor of Lady Maria, still kept his station by her side. I +contrived to engage him during the remainder of the evening. The penalty +of my malice was three hours' close attention to the dullest fool in +England; for vice, too, requires her self-denials, though her disciples +are not, like those of virtue, forewarned of the requisition. Languid, +disgusted and out of humour, I fatigued myself with laborious +playfulness, till the separation of the party released me from penance. + +Lord Frederick's 'indispensable business' was the next day explained by +a report, that he had passed the night in a gaming-house, where he had +lost five-and-twenty thousand pounds. Miss Arnold spoke with the +tenderest compassion of this disaster, 'smoothing my ruffled plumes,' +by ascribing it to the desperation occasioned by his late +disappointment. Forgetting that she had so lately ridiculed my romantic +estimate of the force of his passion, she suddenly appeared convinced +that it was strong enough to account for the most frantic actions. Folly +itself is not so credulous as self-conceit. I more than half believed, +though I affected to disprove her assertion. It approached, indeed, to +the truth more nearly than she suspected. Money, however obtained, was +absolutely necessary to Lord Frederick; and mine being beyond his reach, +he had recourse to fortune. But, in calculating upon the actions of the +gay, the liberal Lord Frederick, the narrow motives of interest never +once entered into my account. Dazzled by the false spirit, indicated by +the magnitude of his loss, and pleased with the cause to which vanity +ascribed it, I had half pardoned his late neglect, when I that evening +met him at Mrs Clermont's rout. + +So crowded were the rooms that I was not aware when he entered; and when +I first observed him, he was standing in close conversation with Miss +Arnold. Even pride can make concessions where it imagines cause of pity. +I condescended to give Lord Frederick another opportunity of renewing +his attention, and moved towards him through the crowd. My friend and he +were conversing with great earnestness; and, as I approached them from +behind, I caught the last words of their dialogue. His Lordship's speech +concluded with the expression, 'I should look confoundedly silly;'--Miss +Arnold's answer was, 'The thing is impossible:--he has not another +relation upon earth, except----' Seeing me at her side, Miss Arnold +stopped abruptly, and, I think, changed colour; but I had no time to +make observations, for Lord Frederick, seizing my hand, exclaimed, 'Ah, +you cruel creature, have you at last given me an opportunity to speak +with you. I thought you had been determined to cut me, since old +squaretoes interfered.' I carelessly answered that I had not made up my +mind on that subject:--but, had my reply been delayed a few moments, it +could not have been uttered with truth; for just then Lady Maria came to +request, with no small earnestness, that her brother would go and +exhibit to Lady Augusta Loftus a trick with cards, which it seems he +could perform with singular dexterity. 'We shall see who will prevail,' +thought I, and I seated myself as if to evince my resolution of +remaining where I was. Lord Frederick immediately excused himself to his +sister; and she at last, in evident vexation, relinquished her attempt. + +This little victory raised my spirits; and I enjoyed with double relish, +and provoked with double industry, the jealous glances with which I was +watched by Lady Maria and her fair friend. Lord Frederick, on his part, +had never been so assiduous to entertain. He flattered, made love, spoke +scandal, and even threw out some sarcasms upon the jealousy of his +sister. How had enmity perverted my mind, when I could tolerate this +unnatural assassination! How had it darkened my understanding, when I +shrunk not with suspicion from the heart which was dead to the sacred +charities of kindred! + +In the course of our conversation, Lord Frederick rallied me on the +subject of the masked ball, urging me to give my reasons for refusing +the tickets. Weakly ashamed to be suspected of submitting to authority, +I employed every excuse except the true one; and, among others, alleged, +that I was unacquainted with the lady by whom the ball was to be given. +Lord Frederick insisted upon introducing his relation, Lady St Edmunds, +to me; declaring that he had often heard her express a desire to be of +my acquaintance. I could not resist the temptation of this introduction, +for Lady St Edmunds was of the highest fashion. I protested, indeed, +that my resolution, with regard to the masquerade, was immutable, but I +suffered Lord Frederick to go in search of his gay relative. + +He soon returned, leading a lady, in whose appearance some half-a-dozen +wrinkles alone indicated the approach of the years of discretion. Her +cheek glowed with more than youthful roses. Her eye flashed with more +than cheerful fires. Her splendid drapery loosely falling from her +shoulders, displayed the full contour of a neck whiter than virgin +innocence, pure even from the faintest of those varying hues which stain +the lilies of nature. She addressed me with much of the grace and all +the ease of fashion, loaded me with compliments and caresses, and +charmed me with the artful condescension which veils itself in +respectful courtesy. She proposed to wait upon me the next day, and +entreated that I would allow her the privilege of old acquaintance, by +giving orders that she should be admitted. I readily consented, for +indeed I was delighted with my new friend. I was dazzled with the +freedom of her language, the boldness of her sentiments, and her +apparent knowledge of the world. The partial admiration expressed for +me, by one so much my superior in years and rank, warmed a heart +accessible through every avenue of vanity; and I spent an hour in lively +chit-chat with her and Lord Frederick, without once recollecting that +her Ladyship's fame was not quite so spotless as her bosom. + +Faithful to her appointment, Lady St Edmunds called upon me the next +morning; and though she looked less youthful, was as fascinating as +ever. No charm of graceful sportiveness, of artful compliment, or of +kindly seeming, was wanting to the attraction of her manners. I was +accustomed to the adulation of men; and sometimes, when it was less +dexterously applied, or when I was in a more rational humour, I could +ask myself which the obsequious gentleman admired the most,--Miss Percy, +or the pretty things they said to her. But let no one boast of being +inaccessible to flattery, till he had withstood that of a superior; and +let that superior be highly bred, seemingly disinterested, and a woman. +I did not, at the time, perceive that Lady St Edmunds flattered me; I +merely was convinced that she had a lively sensibility towards a kindred +mind, and a generosity which could bestow unenvying admiration upon +superior youth and beauty. + +When she was about to retire, she mentioned her masked ball, expressing +a strong desire to see me there, and extending the request to Miss +Arnold. With one of the deepest sighs I ever breathed, I told her of my +unfeigned regret that it was out of my power to accept her invitation. +Lady St Edmunds looked as if she read my thoughts. 'I won't be denied,' +said she; 'be as late as you will; but surely you may escape from your +engagement for an hour or two at least. Come, dear Miss Percy, you would +not be so mischievous as to spoil my whole evening's pleasure; and now +that I know you, there is no thinking of pleasure without you.' + +I was again on the point of declining, though with tears in my eyes, +when I was interrupted by Miss Arnold. 'I can assure your Ladyship,' +said she, 'that we have no engagement; only, our duenna does not approve +of masquerades, and Ellen happens to be in a submissive frame just now.' + +I could better endure the weight of my shackles than the exhibition of +them; and, the warm blood rushing to my cheek, I answered, 'That I did +not suppose Miss Mortimer, or any other person, pretended a right to +control me; that I had merely yielded to entreaties, not submitted to +authority.' + +'And why must the duenna's entreaties be more powerful than mine?' said +Lady St Edmunds, laying her white hand upon my arm, and looking in my +face with a soul-subduing smile. + +'Dear Lady St Edmunds!' cried I, kissing her hand, 'do not talk of +entreaty. Lay some command upon me less agreeable to my inclination, +that I may show how eager I am to obey you. But indeed, I fear--I +think--I--after giving my promise to Miss Mortimer, I believe I ought +not to retract.' + +'Why not, my dear?' said Lady St Edmunds. 'It is only changing your +mind, you know, which the whole sex does every day.' + +'You know, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, 'the case is quite altered since +you talked of it with Miss Mortimer. She did not object so much to the +masked ball, as to your going with----' + +'Juliet!' said I, stopping her with a frown, for I felt shocked that she +should tell Lady St Edmunds that her nephew's attendance was objected to +by Miss Mortimer. + +'Ah!' cried Lady St Edmunds, with the prettiest air of reproach +imaginable, 'I see Miss Arnold is more inclined to oblige me than you +are; so to her I commit my cause for the present, for now I positively +must tear myself away. Good-by, my pretty advocate. Be sure you make me +victorious over the duenna. Farewell, my lovely perverse one,' continued +she, kissing my cheek. 'I shall send you tickets, however. I issue only +three hundred.' + +Lady St Edmunds retired, and left my heart divided between her and the +masquerade. She was scarcely gone, when Miss Mortimer came in; and, full +of my charming visiter, I instantly began to pronounce her eulogium. I +thought Miss Mortimer listened with very repulsive coldness; of course, +a little heat of a less gentle kind was added to the warmth of my +admiration, and my language became more impassioned. 'I have been told +that Lady St Edmunds is very insinuating,' said Miss Mortimer; and this +was all the answer I could obtain. My praise became more rapturous than +ever. Miss Mortimer remained silent for some moments after I had talked +myself out of breath. Perhaps she was considering how she might reply +without offence. 'Such manners,' said she, 'must indeed be engaging. I +see their effect in the eloquence of your praise. I wish it were always +safe to yield to their attraction.' + +'Bless me! Miss Mortimer,' interrupted I, 'you are the most suspicious +being! I see you want me to suspect Lady St Edmunds of every thing that +is bad, and for no earthly reason but because she is delightful!' + +'Indeed, my dear Ellen,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'you wrong me. I should +be the last person to taint your mind with any unfounded suspicion. But +it is natural, you know, that years should teach us caution.' + +'Oh!' exclaimed I, fervently clasping my hands, 'if age must chill all +my affections, and leave me only a dead soul chained to a half-living +body, may Heaven grant that my years may be few! May I go to my grave +ere my heart cease to love and trust its fellows!' + +'Dearest child!' cried Miss Mortimer, 'may many a happy year improve and +refine your affections; and may they long survive the enthusiasm which +paints their objects as faultless! But is it not better that you should +know a little of Lady St Edmunds' character, before intimacy confirm her +power over you?' + +'Why should I know any thing more of her than I do? I can see that she +has the most penetrating understanding, the most affectionate heart!' + +'No doubt these are great endowments; but something more may be +necessary. The proverb is not the less true for its vulgarity, which +tells us, that the world will estimate us by our associates; and, what +is still more important, the estimate will prove just. If you form +intimacies with the worthless, or even with the suspected----' + +'Worthless! suspected!' exclaimed I, my blood boiling with indignation; +'who dares to use such epithets in speaking of Lady St Edmunds?' + +'Be calm, Ellen. I did not, at the moment that I uttered these offensive +words, intend any personal application. If I had, my language should +have been less severe. But I can inform you, that the world has been +less cautious, and that those epithets have been very freely applied to +Lady St Edmunds!' + +'Yes! perhaps by a set of waspish bigots, envious of her, who is herself +so far above the meanness of envy,--or who cannot pardon her for +refusing to make Sunday a day of penance!' + +Miss Mortimer, though naturally one of the most timid creatures upon +earth, was as inflexible in regard to some particular opinions, as if +she had had the nerves of a Hercules. 'Indeed, Ellen,' said she, calmly, +'it would be ungrateful in you, or any other woman of fashion, to charge +the world with intolerance towards Sabbath-breakers. I fear that Lady St +Edmunds would give little offence by her Sunday's parties, if she were +circumspect in her more private conduct.' + +'Bless my heart, Miss Mortimer!' cried I, 'what have I to do with the +private conduct of all my acquaintance? What is it to me, if Lady St +Edmunds spoil her children, or rule her husband, or lose a few hundred +pounds at cards now and then?' + +Miss Mortimer smiled.--'Even bigots,' said she, 'must acquit her +Ladyship of all these faults, for she takes no concern with her +children,--she is separated from her husband,--and certainly does not +_lose_ at cards.' + +'And so you, who pretend to preach charity towards all mankind, can +condescend to retail second-hand calumny! You would have me desert an +amiable, and, I am persuaded, an injured woman, merely because she has +the misfortune to be slandered!' + +'When you know me better, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, meekly, 'you will +find, that it is not my practice to repeat any scandalous tale, without +some better reason than my belief that it is true. I shall not at +present defend the justice of the censures which have fallen upon Lady +St Edmunds. I will merely offer you my opinion, in hopes that, a few +hours hence, you may reconsider it. If a friend, whose worth you had +proved, whose affection you had secured, were made a mark for the shafts +of calumny,--far be it from you to seek a base shelter, leaving her +unshielded, to be 'hit by the archers;' but, against the formation of a +new acquaintance, the slightest suspicion ought, in my opinion, to be +decisive. The frailty of a good name is as proverbial as its value; and +virgin fame is far too precious to be ventured upon uncertainty, and far +too frail to escape uninjured even from the appearance of hazard.' + +This speech was so long that it gave me time to cool, and so +incontrovertible, that I found some difficulty in replying. Before I +could summon a rejoinder, Miss Mortimer, who never pursued a victory, +had quitted the room. She had left me an unpleasant subject of +meditation; but she had allowed me to postpone the consideration of it +for a few hours; so, in the mean time, I turned my thoughts to the +masquerade. + +And first, by way of safeguard against temptation, I thought it best to +lay down an immutable resolution that I would not go. It was very hard, +indeed, to be deprived of such a harmless amusement; but, as I had given +an unlucky promise, I purposed magnanimously to adhere to it, resolving, +however, to indemnify myself the next opportunity. Thus mortified, I +began to indulge my fancy in painting what _might have been_ the +pleasures of the masquerade. I imagined (there was surely no harm in +imagining!) how well I could have personated the fair Fatima,--how +happily the turban would have accorded with the Grecian turn of my +head,--how softly the transparent sleeves of my caftan would have shaded +my rounded arm,--how favourably the Turkish costume would have shown the +light limb, and the elastic step. I invented a hundred witticisms which +I might have uttered,--a hundred compliments which I might have +received. Above all, I dwelt upon the approbation, the endearments of +the charming Lady St Edmunds, till my heart bounded with the ideal joy. +When I retired to rest, the same gay visions surrounded me; and I gladly +awoke to pursue them again in my waking dreams. + +How suitable to our nature is that commandment which places upon the +thoughts the first restraints of virtue! It was painful to interrupt my +delightful reverie, by renewing my resolutions of self-denial, so I +passed them over as already fixed, insensible how fatally I was +undermining their foundations. The bribe must be poor indeed, which the +aids of imagination cannot render irresistible. The longer my fancy +dwelt upon my lost pleasure, the more severe seemed my privation, the +more unfounded Miss Mortimer's prejudice. From the wish that the thing +had been right, the step was easy to the belief that it could not be +_very_ wrong. Before the morning, my inclination had so far bewildered +my judgment, that Miss Arnold found no difficulty in persuading me to +refer the matter to my father; and, regardless of my promise, to abide +by his decision. + +She herself undertook the statement of the case; for it happened, I know +not how, that, even when she spoke only truth, her statements always +served a purpose better than mine. The effect of her adroit +representation was, that my father decided in favour of the masquerade; +observing that 'Miss Mortimer, though a very good woman, had some odd +notions, which it would not do for every body to adopt.' + +Thus it seemed determined that I was to enjoy the amusement upon which I +had set my heart. And yet I was not satisfied. My gay visions were no +sooner likely to be realised, than they lost half their charms. A slight +scrutiny into my own mind would have enabled me to trace the cause of +this change to a consciousness of error; but a vague anticipation of the +issue was sufficient to prevent me from entering upon the enquiry. I +therefore contented myself with attempting to impose upon my own +judgment, by asserting that, since my father was satisfied, I was at +full liberty to pursue my inclination. 'To be sure,' said Miss Arnold, +'when Mr Percy has given his permission, who else has any right to +interfere?' + +'And will you, my dear sir, speak of it to Miss Mortimer,' said I, +anxious to transfer that task to any one who would undertake it. + +'Oh, I'll manage all that,' cried Miss Arnold. 'If Mr Percy were to +mention the matter to Miss Mortimer, it would look as if he thought +himself accountable to her; and then there would be no end of it; for +she fancies already that she should be consulted in every thing that +concerns you,--as if Mr Percy, who has so long superintended the +greatest concerns in the kingdom, could not direct his own family +without her interference!' + +I believe my father, as well as myself, might have some latent +misgivings of mind, which made him not unwilling to accept of Miss +Arnold's offered services. 'I have so many important affairs to mind,' +said he, 'that I shall probably think no more of such a trifle; so I +commission you, Miss Juliet, to let Miss Mortimer know my opinion; +which, I dare say, you will do discreetly, for you seem a civil, +judicious young lady. Elizabeth, poor soul, meant all for the best; +thinking to save me a few pounds, I suppose. But you may let her know, +that what it may be very commendable in her to save is altogether below +my notice. When a man has thousands, and tens of thousands passing +through his hands every day, it gives him a liberal way of thinking. But +as for a woman, who never was mistress of a hundred pounds at a time, +what can she know of liberality?' + +My father had now entered on a favourite topic, the necessary connection +between riches and munificence. Miss Arnold listened respectfully, +approving by smiles, nods, and single words of assent; while I stood +wrapt in my meditations, if I may give that name to the succession of +unsightly images which conscience forced into my mind, and which I as +quickly banished. Having triumphantly convinced an antagonist who +ventured not upon opposition, my father withdrew; and left my friend and +me to consult upon our communication to Miss Mortimer. + +'She will be in a fine commotion,' said I, endeavouring to smile, 'when +she hears that we are going to this masquerade after all. But since you +have undertaken the business, Juliet, you may break it to her to-night, +while I am at the opera; and then the fracas will be partly over before +I come home.' + +'I have been just thinking,' said Miss Arnold, 'all the time that your +father was making that fine oration, that it would be wiser not to break +it to her at all. Where is the necessity for her knowing any thing of +the matter? We shall have other invitations for the same evening; so we +may go somewhere else first, and afterwards look in for an hour or two +at the ball. Nobody need know that we have been there.' + +'What, Juliet! would you have me steal off in that clandestine way, as +if I were afraid or ashamed to do what my father approves of? If I am to +act in defiance of Miss Mortimer, I will do it openly, and not slavishly +pilfer my right, as if I did not dare to assert it.' + +'Don't be angry, Ellen,' said Miss Arnold, soothingly; 'I shall most +willingly do whatever you think best. But, for my part, I would almost +as soon give up the masquerade, as be lectured about it for the next +three weeks.' + +'But, to give Miss Mortimer her due,' returned I, 'she does not lecture +much.' + +'That is true,' replied Miss Arnold. 'But then she will look so +dolefully at us. I am sure I would rather be scolded heartily at once.' + +In this last sentiment, I cordially sympathised; for the silent +upbraiding of the eye is the very poetry of reproach--it addresses +itself to the imagination. 'I wish,' cried I, sighing from the very +bottom of my heart, 'that I had never heard of this ball!' + +'In my opinion,' said Miss Arnold, 'it would save both us and Miss +Mortimer a great deal of vexation, if she were never to hear more of +it.' + +'Say no more of that, Juliet,' interrupted I; 'I am determined not to +take another step in the business without her knowledge.' + +Miss Arnold was silent for a few moments; and when her voice again drew +my attention, I perceived tears in her eyes. 'Well, Ellen,' said she, +'since you are so determined, I see only one way of settling the matter +quietly. I will give my ticket to Miss Mortimer,--she can have no +objection to your going, if she be there herself to watch you.' + +'Never name such a thing to me, Juliet! What! leave you moping alone, +fancying all the pleasure you might have had, while I am amusing myself +abroad. I had rather never see a mask in my life!' + +'I should prefer any thing to bringing her ill-humour upon you,' said +Miss Arnold; 'and since you persist in telling her, I see no other way +of escape. I shall most cheerfully resign the masquerade to give you +pleasure.' + +'My own dear Juliet!' cried I, locking my arms round her neck, while +unbidden tears filled my eyes, 'how can you talk of giving my pleasure +by sacrificing your own, when you know that more than half the delight +in my life is to share its joys with you.' Nor were these the empty +sounds of compliment, nor even the barren expression of a passing +fervour. My purse, my ornaments, my amusements, even the assiduities of +my admirers, all on which my foolish heart was most fixed, I freely +shared with her. Yet, this same Juliet--but is it for me to complain of +ingratitude?--for me, who, favoured by an all-bountiful Benefactor, +abused his gifts, despised his warnings, neglected his commands, +abhorred his intercourse! Let those who are conscious of similar demerit +cease to reproach the less flagrant baseness, which repays with evil the +feeble benefits that man bestows on man. + +On the present occasion, Juliet's influence prevailed with me so far, +that, before we separated, I had agreed to a compromise. I persisted, +indeed, in refusing to go clandestinely to the masquerade, but I adhered +to my purpose of going; and pledged my word, that, in order to avoid all +importunity on the subject, I would leave Miss Mortimer in ignorance of +my determination, till the very hour of its accomplishment. Miss Arnold +undertook to keep my father silent, which she performed in the most +dexterous manner; and with the more ease, because, perhaps, he was +conscious that the subject furnished materials for confession as well as +for narrative. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + _--You squander freely, + But have you wherewithal? Have you the fund + For these outgoings? If you have, go on; + If you have not--stop in good time, before + You outrun honesty._ + + Cumberland (from Diphilus). + + +In defiance of Miss Mortimer's advice, I returned Lady St Edmunds' visit +without delay. I made, indeed, some general enquiries into the character +of my new favourite; myself unwilling to hear, I learnt that she was +said to play games of chance with extraordinary skill and success; and +that she was suspected of impropriety in a point where detection is +still more fatal. It is unfortunate that prudence and self-sufficiency +are so rarely found together since he who will make no use of the wisdom +of others, certainly needs an extraordinary fund of his own. I was +predetermined to consider whatever could be advanced against Lady St +Edmunds, as the effect of malicious misrepresentation. My self-conceit +pointed me out as no improper person to stem the tide of unjustice; and, +by an admirable, though in this case an abused, provision in our nature, +my kindly feelings towards her were strengthened at once by my +intentions to serve her, and by my resentment of her supposed wrongs. + +Lady St Edmunds, on her part, more than met my advances. She treated me +with a distinction which I ascribed solely to the most flattering +partiality; and sought my society with an eagerness in which I suspected +no aim beyond its own gratification. Even now, when experience has +taught me to look through these fair seemings, I am convinced that her +affection was not entirely feigned; for I have seldom met with a heart +so callous, as not to be touched with a transient sympathy at least, by +the honest enthusiasm of youth. In the mean time, I had the more +confidence in the disinterestedness of her regard, because I could +detect no sinister motive for her attentions. Once, and only once, she +had engaged me in play; but the stake was not large, and I rose a +winner. + +Miss Mortimer nevertheless continued her opposition to the acquaintance, +remonstrating against it with a perseverance and warmth which +alternately surprised and provoked me. Regarding her warnings as the +voice of that cold ungenerous suspicion which I imagined to be incident +to age, I took a perverse delight in extolling the attractions of my new +friend, and in magnifying their power over me. One prophecy of my +Cassandra was impressed upon my recollection, by its containing the only +severe expression that ever my incorrigible wilfulness could exert from +the forbearing spirit of the Christian. Among other rapturous epithets, +I called Lady St Edmunds my dear enchantress. 'Well may you give her +that name,' said Miss Mortimer, 'for she is drawing you into a circle +where nothing good or holy must tread; and if you will follow her to the +tempter's own ground, you must bid farewell to better spirits. The wise +and the virtuous will one by one forsake you, until you have no guide +but such as lead to evil, and no companions but such as take advantage +of your errors, or share in your ruin.' + +It is astonishing, that beings formed to look forward so anxiously to +the future, when anxiety can be of no avail, should often treat it with +such perverse disregard, when foresight might indeed be useful. Will it +be believed, that, from this very conversation, I went to exhibit myself +to half the town, as Lady St Edmunds' companion, by attending her to an +auction? + +The sale was in consequence of an execution in the house of a lady of +high fashion; and thither of course came all those of her own rank, who +wished to be relieved of their time, their money, or their curiosity. +Lord Frederick de Burgh, who seemed the almost constant associate of his +fair relative, was of our party. Indeed I could not help observing, upon +all occasions, that his attentions to me were infinitely more +particular, since my father had announced his decision. But I regarded +that decision as final; and merely inferred, that Lord Frederick, like +Miss Arnold, perceived the safety of a flirtation, which could lead to +no consequence; or that, in the true spirit of his sex, he grew eager in +pursuit, when attainment appeared difficult. + +As the sale proceeded, a hundred useless toys were exposed, and called +forth a hundred vain and unlovely emotions. Curiosity, admiration, +desire, impatience, envy, and resentment, chased each other over many a +fair face; and the flush of angry disappointment, or of unprofitable +victory, stained many a cheek from whence the blush of modesty had faded +for ever. I took out my pencil to caricature a group, in which a spare +dame, whose face combined no common contrast of projection and +concavity, was darting from her sea-green eyes sidelong flames upon a +china jar, which was surveyed with complacent smiles by its round and +rosy purchaser. But my labours were interrupted, and from an amused +spectator of the scene, I was converted into a keen actor, when the +auctioneer exposed a tortoise-shell dressing-box, magnificently inlaid +with gold. Art had exhausted itself in the elegance of the pattern and +the delicacy of the workmanship. It was every way calculated to arrest +the regards of fine ladies; for, like them, it was useless and expensive +in proportion to its finery. It was put up at fifty guineas; less, as we +were assured by the auctioneer, than half its value. Rather than allow +such matchless beauty to be absolutely thrown away, I bade for the +bauble. It proved equally attractive to others, and my fair opponents +soon raised its price to seventy pounds. There for a while it made a +pause, and no one seemed inclined to go farther; but this was still far +below its value. I hesitated for a few moments; and then, in the +conviction that nobody would bid more, increased my offer. It seems I +was mistaken. The lady with whom, but for my perseverance, the prize +would have remained, measured me with a very contemptuous look, and bade +again with a composure which seemed to say, 'Does the girl fancy she can +contend with me?' This was attacking me on the weak side. I instantly +bade again. The lady coolly did the same. I, growing more warm, went on. +The lady proceeded, with smiles not quite of courtesy; till, in exchange +for my discretion, my temper, and a hundred and fifteen pounds, I had +gained the tortoise-shell dressing-box. + +The costly toy was already in my possession, and already every eye was +turned upon me with envy, sarcasm, or compassion, before I remembered +that it was necessary to pay for my purchase. In some perplexity I began +to search for my purse; recollecting, not without dismay, that it did +not contain above twenty guineas. I had indeed a further supply at home, +but the law of the sale required that every purchase should be paid for +upon the spot, and I was obliged to apply to Lady St Edmunds for +assistance. This was the first time that ever I had found occasion to +borrow money; and I shall never forget the embarrassment which it cost +me. With a confusion which would have dearly paid for the possession of +ten thousand baubles, I, in a timid, scarcely intelligible whisper, +begged Lady St Edmunds to lend me the necessary sum, assuring her that +it should be repaid that very day. Her Ladyship at first frankly +consented to my request; but suddenly recollecting herself, declared +that she had not a guinea about her; and, without waiting for my +concurrence, called upon Lord Frederick to relieve my difficulty. Giddy +and imprudent as I was, I shrunk from incurring this obligation to Lord +Frederick. I at first positively refused his aid; and while, for a few +minutes, I sat affecting to examine my purchase, I was cordially wishing +that its materials were still in opposite hemispheres, and endeavouring +to gain courage for a petition to some other of my acquaintance. + +I at last fixed upon a young lady of fortune with whom I had contracted +some intimacy; and, under pretence of exhibiting my box, beckoned her +towards me, and requested her to lend me the money. With an aspect of +profound amazement, she exclaimed, 'La, my dear! how can you think of +such a thing? I have not ten pounds in the world. I never have. It is +always spent before I can lay a finger on it.'--'Indeed! I was in hopes +you were in cash just now, for I thought I observed you bid for this +box.'--'Oh, one must bid now and then for a little amusement! But I +assure you I had no thoughts of buying such a splendid affair. I must +leave that to those who have more money than they know what to do with.' + +I could perceive a tincture of malice in the smile which accompanied +these words; and turning from her, resumed my conversation with Lady St +Edmunds. Her Ladyship rallied me unmercifully upon what she called my +prudery; asking me, in a very audible whisper, what sort of interest I +expected Lord Frederick to exact, which made me so afraid of becoming +his debtor. Lord Frederick himself joined in the raillery; and, +laughing, offered to recommend me to an honest Jew, if I preferred such +a creditor. Their manner of treating the subject made me almost ashamed +of having refused Lord Frederick's assistance, especially as I was +certain that the obligation might be discharged in an hour. I suspected, +indeed, though I was but imperfectly acquainted with the state of my +funds, that they were insufficient for this demand; but I knew that Miss +Arnold had money, because I had divided my quarterly allowance with +her, and had not since observed her to incur any serious expense. +Besides, I was convinced that my father would permit me to draw upon him +in advance, so that at all events I should be able to discharge my debt +on the following day. I therefore half playfully, half in earnest, +accepted of Lord Frederick's offered aid; and he instantly delivered the +money to me with a gallantry, which showed that a man of fashion can, +upon extraordinary occasions, be polite. + +When I had received the notes, I jestingly asked him what security I +should give him for their repayment? Lord Frederick took my hand, and +drawing from my finger a ring of small value, said, with more +seriousness than I expected, 'This shall be my pledge; but you must not +imagine that I shall restore it for a few paltry guineas. You may have +it again as soon as you will, on a fit occasion.' I could have dispensed +with this piece of gallantry, which was conducted too seriously for my +taste; but a lady, like a member of Parliament, must accept of no +favours if she would preserve the right of remonstrance, and I allowed +Lord Frederick to keep the ring. + +Soon afterwards we returned home, and I proceeded to examine the state +of my funds. I was astonished to find that my bureau did not contain +above ten pounds. I searched every drawer and concealment, wondering at +intervals what could possibly have become of my money,--a wonder, I +believe, in which the fugitive nature of guineas involves every fair +lady who keeps no exact register of their departure. Thus employed, I +was found by Miss Arnold, to whom I immediately unfolded my dilemma; +calling upon her to assist me with her recollection, as to the disposal +of my funds, and with her purse, in supply of their present deficiency. +On the first point, she was tolerably helpful to me, recalling to my +mind many expenses which I had utterly forgotten; but, in regard to the +second, she protested, with expressions of deep regret, that she could +yield me no assistance. 'You may well look astonished, dearest Ellen,' +pursued she, 'considering your noble generosity to me. But, indeed, +nothing could have happened more unfortunately. It was only yesterday +that I visited my brother, and happened to tell him what a princely +spirit you had, and how liberal you had been to me. The deuce take my +tongue for being so nimble,--but it is all your own fault, Ellen; for +you won't let me praise you to your face, and one can't always be +silent. So, just then, in came a fellow with a long bill for some vile +thing or another, and my brother bid me lend him my money that he might +settle with the creature. What could I do, you know? I could not +refuse. But if I had once guessed that you could possibly want it, I +should as soon have lent him my heart's blood.' + +I suffered the tale to conclude without interruption; for indeed I was +fully as much astonished as I looked. I had by no means understood that +my friend was upon such terms with her brother as to incline her to lend +him money; nor that he was in such circumstances as to need to borrow. A +doubt of her truth, however, never once darkened my mind. Self-love +prevented me, as it daily prevents thousands, from making the very +obvious reflection, that one who could be disingenuous with others to +serve me, might be disingenuous with me to serve herself. Miss Arnold +proceeded to reproach herself in the bitterest manner for her +improvidence in parting with the money, and seemed so heartily vexed, +that the little spleen which my disappointment had at first excited +entirely subsided; and I comforted my friend as well as I was able, by +assuring her that my father would advance whatever money I desired. + +Miss Arnold now, in her turn, was silent, wearing a look of grave +consideration. 'If I were in your place, Ellen,' said she, at last, 'I +don't think I would mention this matter to Mr Percy.' + +'Not mention it!' said I, 'why not?' + +'Because,' returned Miss Arnold, 'I see no end it can serve, except to +make him angry. You know his pompous notions; and, after what has +passed, I am sure he will think you borrowing money from Lord Frederick +an act of downright rebellion.' + +'Indeed,' returned I, 'that is very likely; but I promised to repay Lord +Frederick to-morrow; and I have no other way of obtaining the money.' + +'Poh! my dear, you are so punctilious about trifles! What can it +possibly signify to Lord Frederick whether he be repaid to-morrow, or +the day after?' + +'Why, to be sure, it cannot signify much; only, as I have given my +promise, I do not like to break it.' + +'Well, really, Ellen, if I were to shut my eyes, I could sometimes fancy +you had been brought up with some queer old aunt in the country. What +difference can one day make? And I am sure, by the end of the week, at +farthest, I could get the money from my brother, and settle the whole +matter peaceably. Do take my advice, and say nothing about it to your +father; he will be so angry; and you know, at the worst, you can tell +him at any time.' + +Had my mind been well regulated, or my judgment sound, Miss Arnold's +argument would itself have defeated her purpose; and the very conviction +of my father's disliking my debt to Lord Frederick would have determined +me that it should, at all hazards, be repaid. But I was fated, in many +instances, to suffer the penalty of those perverted habits of mind, +which imposed upon me a sort of moral disability of choosing right, as +often as a choice was presented to me. Misled by an artful adviser, or +rather, perhaps, by my own inveterate abhorrence of reproof, I chose +that clandestine path, in which none can tread with peace or safety. In +this fatal decision began a long train of evil. + +Warned by my example, let him who is entering upon life review, with a +suspicious eye, the transactions which he is inclined to conceal from +the appointed guardians of his virtue. If the subject be of moment, let +him be wisely fearful to rely upon his own judgment;--if it be trivial, +let not concealment swell it to disastrous importance. If he have, +unfortunately, a tendency to creep through the winding covered path, let +him not strengthen by one additional act a habit so fatal to the lofty +port of honour. If, like me, he be of a frank and open nature, let him +not, to escape a transient evil, sink the light heart, and pervert the +simple purpose, and bend the erect dignity of truth. Let him who can +tread firm in conscious soundness of mind leave the stealthy course for +those to whom nature has given no better means of attaining their end. +The low and tangled way, the subtle tortuous progress, suits the base +earth-worm; let creatures of a nobler mould advance erect and steady. + +Having dissuaded me from using the only means of discharging my debt +without delay, Miss Arnold, like a cautious general, contented herself +with fortifying the post she had taken; and, for the present, carried +her operations no further. But, the next day, she took occasion to ask +me, with a careless air, 'whether I had written a note of excuse to Lord +Frederick?' I answered that I had not thought of it. 'You intend +writing, of course,' said Miss Arnold, with that look of decision which +has often served the purpose of argument. + +'Don't you think it will be rather awkward?' said I. + +'That you should not write, you mean?--Very awkward, indeed. And then I +am sure you ought never to lose an opportunity of writing a note, for I +know nobody who has such a talent for turning these things neatly.' + +The indistinct idea of impropriety which was floating in my mind was put +to flight by the nonchalance of Miss Arnold's manner; for, when reason +and conscience are deposed from their rightful authority at home, it is +amazing how abjectly they learn to bend, not to the passions only, but +to impulse merely external. I wrote the note to Lord Frederick. My +lover, for now I may fairly call him so, contrived to reply to my billet +in such terms as, with the help of Miss Arnold's counsels, produced a +rejoinder. This again occasioned another; and notes, sonnets, epistles +in verse, and billet-doux passed between us, till the folly had nearly +assumed the form of a regular correspondence. All this was, of course, +carried on without the knowledge of my father or Miss Mortimer; and so +rapid are the inroads of evil, that I soon began to find a mysterious +pleasure in the dexterity which compassed this furtive intercourse. + +In the mean time, Miss Arnold was in no haste to perform her promise. +Day after day she found some excuse for not going to ask her money, or +some pretence for returning without it; and day after day she persuaded +me to wait for its restitution; till the uneasy feeling of undischarged +obligation subsided by degrees, and the natural disquiet of a debtor was +nearly lost in the giddiness of perpetual amusement. + +As the masked ball drew near, my eagerness for it had completely +revived. It may seem strange, considering the multitude of my frivolous +pleasures, that any single one should have awakened such ardour. But a +masquerade was now the only amusement which was new to me; and I had +already begun to experience that craving for novelty which is incident +to all who seek for happiness where it never was and never will be +found,--in bubbles which amuse the sense, but cheat the longing soul. + +So entirely was I occupied in anticipating my new pleasure, that I +should have had neither thought nor observation to bestow upon any other +subject, had not conscience sometimes turned my attention to Miss +Mortimer. I thought she looked ill and melancholy. Her complexion, +always delicate, had faded to a sickly hue. Her eyes were sunk and +hollow; and the jealous watchfulness of one who has given cause of +complaint, made me remark that they were often fixed sadly upon me. I +half suspected that she had discovered my intended breach of faith; and +wondered whether it were possible that my misconduct could make such an +impression upon her mind. I was relieved from this suspicion by the +frankness with which she one day lamented to me that my father, for some +reason which she could not divine, refused to permit a party to be +formed for the 5th of May. 'I could have wished,' said she, 'to make +that evening pass more gaily than I fear it will. Dear Ellen, how like +you are to your mother when you blush!' + +'Then I am sure,' said I, 'I wish I could blush always, for there is +nobody I should like so much to resemble.' + +'Well,' said Miss Mortimer, 'were it not for the fear of making you +vain, I could tell you, that there is a more substantial resemblance; +for she, like you, knew how to resign her strongest inclinations in +compliance with the wishes of her friends.' + +This was too much. Conscience-struck, and quite thrown off my guard, I +exclaimed, 'Like me! Oh! she was no more like me, than an angel of light +is to a dark designing----' Recollecting that I was betraying myself, I +stopped. + +Miss Mortimer turned upon me a smile so kind, so confiding, that as oft +as it rises to my memory I abhor myself. 'Nay, Ellen,' said she, 'if I +am to be your confessor lay open the sins which do really beset you; +unless, as Mr Maitland would say, you are afraid that I should have a +sinecure.' + +'I have a great mind,' cried I, 'to make a resolution, that I will never +do a wrong thing again without confessing it to somebody!' + +'The resolution would be a good one,' said Miss Mortimer, 'provided you +could rely upon the judgment and integrity of your confessor; and +provided you are sure that the pain of exposing your faults to another +will not lead you to conceal them more industriously from yourself.' + +'Oh! I am sure I could never do wrong without being sensible of it. But +the misfortune is, that people have not the right method of talking of +my faults. They always contrive to say something provoking. You need not +smile. It is not that I am so uncandid that I cannot endure to be +blamed; for there's Juliet often finds fault with me, and I never grow +angry.' + +'Well, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, 'if ever you should be inclined to +make trial of me, I promise you never intentionally to say any thing +provoking. In dexterity I shall not pretend to vie with Miss Arnold, but +in affectionate interest I will yield to none. You have a claim upon my +indulgence, which your errors can never cancel; especially as I am sure +that they will never lean towards artifice or meanness.' + +The heart must be callously vile, which can bear to be stabbed with the +words of abused confidence. I sprung away in search of Miss Arnold, that +I might retract my promise of concealing from Miss Mortimer the affair +of the masquerade. I was met by the dress-maker, who, loaded with +parcels and band-boxes, came to fit on the attire of the fair Fatima; +and, during the hour which was consumed on this operation, the ardour of +my sincerity had cooled so far, that Miss Arnold easily prevailed on me +to let matters remain as we had first arranged them. + +How often, I may say how invariably, did my better feelings vanish, ere +they issued into action! But feeling is, in its very nature, transient. +It is at best the meteor's blaze, shedding strong, but momentary day; +while principle, the true principle, be it faint at first as the star +whose ray hath newly reached our earth is yet the living light of the +higher heaven; which never more will leave us in utter darkness, but +lend a steady beam to guide our way. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + _--There we + Solicit pleasure, hopeless of success; + Waste youth in occupations only fit + For second childhood; and devote old age + To sports which only childhood could excuse. + There they are happiest who dissemble best + Their weariness; and they the most polite, + Who squander time and treasure with a smile, + Though at their own destruction._ + + Cowper. + + +The fifth of May arrived; and never did lover, waiting the hour of +meeting, suffer more doubts and tremours than I did, lest Mrs Beetham +should disappoint me of my evening's paraphernalia. Although I had +ordered the dress to be at my bed-side as soon as I awoke, the faithless +mantua-maker detained it till after two o'clock; and the intermediate +hours were consumed in fits of anger, suspense, and despondency. At last +it came; and I hastened to ascertain its becomingness and effect. I knew +that Miss Mortimer was closeted with a medical friend; I had, therefore, +no interruption to fear from her. Yet I locked myself into my +dressing-room, because I could not, without constraint, allow even Miss +Arnold to witness those rehearsals of vanity, which I was not ashamed to +exhibit before Him who remembers that we are but dust. Others may smile +at this and many other instances of my folly. I look back upon them as +on the illusions of delirium, and shudder whilst I smile. + +I was practising before a looking-glass the attitudes most favourable to +the display of my dress and figure, when my attention was drawn by the +sound of bustle in the staircase. I opened my door to discover the cause +of the noise, and perceived some of the servants bearing Miss Mortimer, +to all appearance lifeless. In horror and alarm I sprung towards her; +and in answer to some incoherent questions, I learnt, that she had had a +long private conference with Dr ----, and that he had scarcely left the +house, when she had fainted away. A servant had hastened to recall the +surgeon, but his carriage had driven off too quickly to be overtaken. + +The dastardly habits of self-indulgence had so estranged me from the +very forms of sickness or of sorrow, that I now stood confounded by +their appearance; and if a menial, whose very existence I scarcely +deigned to remember, had not far excelled me in considerate presence of +mind, the world might then have lost one of its chief ornaments, and I +the glorious lesson of a Christian's life--of a Christian's death! By +means of the simple prescriptions of this poor girl, Miss Mortimer +revived. Her first words were those of thankfulness for all our cares; +her next request that she might be left alone. Recollecting my strange +attire, which alarm had driven from my mind, I felt no disinclination to +obey; but the girl, whose assistance had already been so useful, begged +for permission to remain. 'Indeed, ma'am,' said she, 'you ought not to +be left alone while you are so weak and ill.' + +'Oh I am weaker than a child!' cried Miss Mortimer; 'but go, my dear: I +shall not be alone! I know where the weakest shall assuredly find +strength!' + +The countenance of the person to whom she spoke gave signal of +intelligence; the rest stared with vacant wonder. All obeyed Miss +Mortimer's command; and I hastened to lay aside my Turkish drapery, +which, for some minutes, I had almost unconsciously been screening from +observation behind the magnitude of our fat housekeeper. + +As soon as I had resumed my ordinary dress, I stole back to the door of +Miss Mortimer's apartment. I listened for a while,--but all was still. I +entered softly, and beheld Miss Mortimer upon her knees, her hands +clasped in supplication; the flush of hope glowing through the tears +which yet trembled on her cheek; her eyes raised with meek confidence, +as the asking infant looks up in his mother's face. I was not +unacquainted with the attitude of devotion. _That_ I might have studied +even at our theatres, where a mockery of prayer often insults both taste +and decency. I had even preserved from my childish days a habit of +uttering every morning a short 'form of sound words.' But the spirit of +prayer had never touched my heart; and when I beheld the signs of vital +warmth attend that which I had considered as altogether lifeless, it +seemed like the moving pictures in the gallery of Otranto, portentous of +something strange and terrible. 'Good heavens! my dear Miss Mortimer,' +exclaimed I, advancing towards her as she rose, and wiped the tears from +her eyes, 'surely something very distressing has happened to you.' + +'Nothing new has happened,' answered she, holding out her hand kindly +towards me; 'only I have an additional proof that I am, by nature, a +poor, timid, trustless creature.' + +'Ah!' cried I, 'do trust me. I can be as secret as the grave, and there +is nothing on earth I won't do to make you comfortable again.' + +'I thank you, dear Ellen,' answered Miss Mortimer; 'but I have no secret +to tell; and, to make me comfortable, you must minister to both body and +mind. I have long been trifling with a dangerous disorder. I have acted +in regard to it as we are wont to do in regard to the diseases of our +souls,--deceived myself as to its existence, because I feared to +encounter the cure,--and now I must submit to an operation so tedious, +so painful!'--She stopped, shuddering. I was so much shocked, that I had +scarcely power to enquire whether there were danger in the experiment. +'Some danger there must be,' said Miss Mortimer; 'but it is not the +danger which I fear. Even such cowards as I can meet that which they are +daily accustomed to contemplate. If it had been the will of Heaven, I +would rather have died than----But it is not for me to choose. Shall I +presume to reject any means by which my life may be prolonged? Often, +often have I vowed,' continued she with strong energy of manner, 'that I +would not "live to myself." And was all false and hollow? Was this but +the vow of the hypocrite, the self-deceiver?' + +'Oh no!' cried I, 'that is impossible. Before I knew you I might be +prejudiced. But now I see that you are always good,--always the same. +You cannot be a hypocrite.' + +This testimony, extorted from me by uniform, consistent uprightness, was +answered only by a distrustful shake of the head; for Miss Mortimer +habitually lent a suspicious ear to the praise of her own virtues; and +was accustomed to judge of her thoughts and actions, not by the opinion +of others, but by a careful comparison with the standard of excellence. +Tears trickled down her cheeks while she upbraided herself as one who, +having pretended to give up all, kept back a part; and even those tears +she reproached as symbols of distrust and fear, rather than of +repentance. We soon grow weary of witnessing strong feeling in which we +cannot fully sympathise. I hinted to Miss Mortimer that a short rest +would compose her spirits, and recruit her strength; and, having +persuaded her to lie down, I left her. + +Only a few months had passed since the fairest dream of pleasure would +have vanished from my mind at the thought that the life of the meanest +servant of our household was to hang upon the issue of a doubtful, +dangerous experiment. Only a few months had passed since the sufferings +of a friend would have banished sleep from my pillow, and joy from my +chosen delights. But intemperate pleasure is not more fatal to the +understanding than to the heart. It is not more adverse to the 'spirit +of a sound mind,' than to the 'spirit of love.' Social pleasures, call +we them! Let the name no more be prostituted to that which is poison to +every social feeling. Four months of dissipation had elapsed; and the +distress, the danger of my own friend, and my mother's friend, now made +no change in my scheme of pleasure for the evening. I was merely +perplexed how to impart that scheme to the poor invalid. Conscience, +indeed, did not fail to remind me, that to bestow this night upon +amusement was robbery of friendship and humanity; but I was unhappily +practised in the art of silencing her whispers. I assured myself that if +my presence could have been essentially useful to Miss Mortimer, I +should cheerfully have sacrificed my enjoyment to hers; but I was +certain that if I remained at home, the sight of her melancholy would +depress me so much as to make my company a mere burden. I endeavoured to +persuade myself that, after the scene of the morning, my spirits needed +a cordial; and a sudden fit of economy represented to me the impropriety +of throwing aside as useless, a dress which had cost an incredible sum. +At the recollection of this dress, my thoughts at once flew from +excusing my folly to anticipating its delights; and, in a moment, I was +already in the ball-room, surrounded with every pleasure, but those of +reason, taste, and virtue. + +This heartless selfishness may well awaken resentment or contempt; but +it ought not to excite surprise. The sickly child, whose helplessness +needs continual care, whose endless cravings require endless supplies, +whose incessant complainings extort incessant consolation, acquires the +undeserved partiality of his mother. The very flower which we have +cherished in the sunshine, and sheltered from the storm, attains, in +our regard, a value not its own; and whoever confines his cares, and his +ingenuity, to his own gratification, will find, that self-love is not +less rapid, or less vigorous in its progress, than any better affection +of the soul. + +All my endeavours, however, could not make me satisfied with my +determination. I therefore resorted to my convenient friend, with whose +honied words I could always qualify my self-upbraidings. I opened the +case, by saying, that I believed we should be obliged to give up the +masquerade after all; but I should have been terribly disappointed if +that opinion had passed uncontroverted. I was, however, in no danger. +Miss Arnold knew exactly when she might contradict without offence; and +did not fail to employ all her persuasion on the side where it was least +necessary. This question, therefore, was quickly settled; but another +still remained,--how were we to announce our purpose to Miss Mortimer? +With this part of the subject inclination had nothing to do; and +therefore we found this point so much more difficult to decide, that +when we were dressed, and ready to depart, the matter was still in +debate. + +It was, however, suddenly brought to an issue, by the appearance of Miss +Mortimer. She had remained alone in her apartment during the early part +of the evening; and now entered the drawing-room with her wonted aspect +of serene benevolence, a little 'sicklied o'er by the pale cast of +thought.' I involuntarily retreated behind Miss Arnold, who herself +could not help shrinking back. Miss Mortimer advanced towards her with +the most unconscious air of kindness. 'You are quite equipped for +conquest, Miss Arnold,' said she. 'I never saw any thing so gracefully +fantastic.' She had now obtained a view of my figure, and the truth +seemed to flash upon her at once; for she started, and changed colour. + +A dead silence followed, for indeed I did not dare to look up, much less +speak. Miss Arnold first recovered herself. 'Mr Percy,' said she, +endeavouring to speak carelessly, 'has given Ellen and me permission to +go out for an hour.' + +'Yes,' rejoined I hesitatingly, 'papa has given us leave, and we shall +only stay a very little while.'--Miss Mortimer made no answer. I stole a +glance at her, and saw that she was pale as death. I ventured a step +nearer to her. 'You are not very angry with us,' said I. + +'No, Miss Percy,' said she, in a low constrained voice; 'I never claimed +a right to dictate where you should or should not go. There was, +therefore, on this occasion, the less necessity for having recourse +to----' + +She left the sentence unfinished; but my conscience filled up the pause. +'Indeed, my dear Miss Mortimer,' said I, for at that moment I was +thoroughly humbled, 'I never meant to go without your knowledge. Miss +Arnold will tell you that we have been all day contriving how we should +mention it to you.' + +'Your word did not use to need confirmation,' said Miss Mortimer, +sighing heavily. 'I did hope,' continued she, 'that you would have +spared to me a part of this evening; for I have many things to say, and +this is the last----' + +Miss Mortimer stopped, cleared her throat, bit her quivering lip, and +began industriously to arrange the drapery upon my shoulder; but all +would not do,--she burst into tears. I could not withstand Miss +Mortimer's emotion, and, throwing my arms round her neck,--'My dear, +dear friend,' I cried, 'be angry with me, scold me as much as you will, +only do not grieve yourself. If I could once have guessed that you were +to be ill to-night, I should never have thought of this vile ball; and I +am sure, if it will please you, I will send away the carriage, and stay +at home still.' + +This proposal was perfectly sincere, but not very intelligible; for the +thought of such a sacrifice overpowered me so completely, that the last +words were choked with sobs. Miss Mortimer seemed at first to hesitate +whether she should not accept of my offer; but, after a few moments' +reflection, 'No, Ellen,' said she, 'I will not cause you so cruel a +disappointment; for surely--surely this masquerade has seized upon a +most disproportionate share of your wishes. You must soon be left to +your own discretion; and why should I impose an unavailing hardship? Go +then, my love, and be as happy as you can.' + +My heart leapt light at this concession. 'Dear, good, kind Miss +Mortimer,' cried I, kissing her cheek, 'do not be afraid of me. I assure +you, I shall be more discreet and prudent this evening than ever I was +in my life.' + +Miss Mortimer gave me an April smile. 'This is not much like the garb of +discretion,' said she, looking at my dress, which indeed approached the +utmost limit of fashionable allurement. 'It seems time that I should +cease to advise, else I should beg of you to make some little addition +to your dress. You may meet with people, even at a masquerade, who think +that no charm can atone for any defect of modesty; and I should imagine, +that your spirit would scarcely brook the remarks they might make.' + +'I am sure,' said I, with a blush which owed its birth as much to pique +as to shame, 'I never thought of being immodest, nor of any thing else, +except to look as well as I could; but if it will please you, I shall +get a tucker, and let you cover me as much as you will.' + +Miss Mortimer good-naturedly accepted this little office; saying, while +she performed it, 'it is a good principle in dress, that the chief use +of clothing is concealment. I am persuaded, that you would never offend +in this point, were you to remember, that if ever an exposed figure +pleases, it must be in some way in which no modest woman would wish to +please.' + +Meanwhile Miss Arnold, who was even more impatient than myself to be +gone, had ordered the carriage to the door. Miss Mortimer took leave of +me with a seriousness of manner approaching to solemnity; and we +departed. The moment we were alone, Juliet proposed to undo Miss +Mortimer's labours, declaring that 'they had quite made a fright of me.' +Fortunately for such a world as this, the most questionable principle +may produce insulated acts of propriety. My pride for once espoused the +right side. 'Forbear, Juliet!' cried I indignantly. 'Would you have +people to look at me as they do at the very outcasts of womankind,--some +with pity, some with scorn?' + +Miss Arnold's 'hour' had elapsed long before the concourse of carriages +would allow us to alight at Lady St Edmunds' door. On my first entrance, +I was so bewildered by the confusion of the scene, and the grotesque +figures of the masks, that I could scarcely recognise the mistress of +the revels, although we had previously concerted the dress which she was +to wear. She presently, however, relieved this dilemma, by addressing me +in character; though she was, or pretended to be, unable to penetrate my +disguise. The tinge of seriousness which Miss Mortimer had left upon my +spirits being aided by the alarm created by so many unsightly shapes, I +determined not to quit Lady St Edmunds' side during the evening; and was +just going to tell her my name in a whisper, when I was accosted by a +Grand Signior, whom, in spite of his disguise, I thought I discovered to +be Lord Frederick de Burgh. I was somewhat surprised at this coincidence +in our characters, as I had kept that in which I intended to appear a +profound secret from all but Miss Arnold, who protested that she had +never breathed it to any human being. Lord Frederick, however, for I was +convinced that it was he, addressed me as a stranger; and, partly from +the vanity of pleasing in a new character, I answered in the same +strain. We were speedily engaged in a conversation, in the course of +which a conviction of our previous acquaintance placed me so much at +ease with my Turk, that I felt little disturbance, when, on looking +round, I perceived that our matron had mingled with the crowd, leaving +Miss Arnold and me to his protection. I supposed, however, to my friend, +that we should go in search of Lady St Edmunds; and, still attended by +our Grand Signior, we began our round. + +And here let me honestly confess, that my pastime very poorly +compensated the concealment, anxiety, and remorse which it had already +cost me. Even novelty, that idol of spoilt children, could scarcely +defend me from weariness and disgust. In the more intellectual part of +my anticipated amusement I was completely disappointed; for the attempts +made to support character were few and feeble. The whole entertainment, +for the sake of which I had broken my promise, implied, if not +expressed,--for the sake of which I had given the finishing stroke to +the unkindness, ingratitude, and contumacy of my behaviour towards my +mother's friend,--amounted to nothing more than looking at a multitude +of motley habits, for the most part mean, tawdry, and unbecoming; and +listening to disjointed dialogues, consisting of dull questions and +unmeaning answers, thinly bestrown with constrained witticisms, and puns +half a century old. The easy flow of conversation, which makes even +trifles pass agreeably, was destroyed by the supposed necessity of being +smart; and the eloquence of the human eye, of the human smile, was +wanting to add interest to what was vapid, and kindliness to what was +witty. Lord Frederick, indeed, did what he could to enliven the scene. +He pointed out the persons whom he knew through their disguises; and +desired me to observe how generally each affected the character which he +found the least attainable in common life. 'That,' said he, 'is +Glendower in the dress of a conjurer. That virgin of the sun is Lady +B----, whose divorce-bill is to be before the House to-morrow. That +Minerva is Lady Maria de Burgh; and that figure next to her is Miss +Sarah Winterfield, who has stuck a flaxen wig upon her grizzled pate +that she may for once pass for a Venus.' + +'If I am to judge by your rule,' said I, 'you must be content to be +taken for some Christian slave, snatching a transitory greatness.' + +'You guess well, fair Fatima; I am indeed a slave; and these royal robes +are meant to conceal my chains from all but my lovely mistress.' + +'Why then do you confess them so freely to me?' + +'Because I am persuaded that this envious mask conceals the face of my +sultana.' + +'No, no; by your rule I must be some stern old gouvernante, who have +locked up your sultana, and come to seize the pleasures which I deny to +her.' + +'Oh! here my rule is useless; for, from what I see, I can guess very +correctly what is concealed. For instance, there is first a pair of +saucy hazel eyes, sparkling through their long fringes. Cheeks of +roses----' + +'Pshaw! commonplace----' + +'Nay, not common vulgar country roses--but living and speaking, like the +roses in a poet's fancy.' + +'Well, that's better, go on.' + +'A sly, mischievous, dimple, that, Parthian-like, kills and is fled.' + +'You can guess flatteringly, I see.' + +'Yes; and truly too. Nature would never mould a form like this, and +leave her work imperfect; therefore there is but one face that can +belong to it; and that face is--Miss Percy's.' + +'And I think nature would never have bestowed such talents for flattery +without giving a corresponding dauntlessness of countenance; and that I +am persuaded belongs only to Lord Frederick de Burgh.' + +My attention was diverted from the Sultan's reply by a deep low voice, +which, seemingly close to my ear, pronounced the words, 'Use caution; +you have need of it.' I started, and turned to see who had spoken; but a +crowd of masks were round us, and I could not distinguish the speaker, I +applied to Miss Arnold and the Turk, but neither of them had observed +the circumstance. I was rather inclined to ascribe it to chance, not +conceiving that any one present could be interested in advising me; yet +the solemn tone in which the words were uttered, uniting with the +impression which, almost unknown to myself, Miss Mortimer's averseness +to my present situation had left upon my mind, I again grew anxious to +find protection with Lady St Edmunds. + +Being now a little more in earnest in my search, I soon discovered the +object of it, and I immediately made myself known to her. Lady St +Edmunds appeared to receive the intelligence with delighted surprise, +and reproached me kindly with having concealed myself so long; then +suddenly transferred her reproaches to herself for having, even for a +moment, overlooked my identity, 'since, however disguised, my figure +remained as unique as that of the Medicean Venus.' I can smile now at +the simplicity with which I swallowed this and a hundred other +absurdities of the same kind. A superior may always apply his flattery +with very little caution, secure that it will be gratefully received; +and the young are peculiarly liable to its influence, because their +estimate of themselves being as yet but imperfectly formed, they are +glad of any testimony on the pleasing side. + +I kept my station for some time between Lady St Edmunds and Lord +Frederick, drinking large draughts of vanity and pleasure, till Miss +Mortimer and my unknown adviser were alike forgotten. A group of +Spaniards having finished a fandango, the Countess proposed that Lord +Frederick and I should succeed them in a Turkish dance. A faint +recollection crossed my mind of the disgust with which I had read a +description of this Mahometan exhibition, so well suited to those whose +prospective sensuality extends even beyond the grave. I refused, +therefore, alleging ignorance as my excuse; but, as I had an absolute +passion for dancing, I offered to join in any more common kind of my +favourite exercise. Lady St Edmunds, however, insisted that, unless in +character, it would be awkward to dance at all; and that I might easily +copy the Turkish dances which I had seen performed upon the stage. These +had, so far as I could see, no resemblance to the licentious spectacles +of which I had read, excepting what consisted in the shameless attire of +the performers, in which I sincerely believe that the _Christian_ +dancing-women have pre-eminence. Blessed be the providential +arrangements which make the majority of womankind bow to the restraints +of public opinion! Hardened depravity may despise them, piety may +sacrifice them to a sense of duty: but, in the intermediate classes, +they hold the place of wisdom and of virtue. They direct many a judgment +which ought not to rely on itself; they aid faltering rectitude with the +strength of numbers; for, degenerate as we are, numbers are still upon +the side of feminine decorum. Had I been unmasked, no earthly inducement +would have made me consent to this blamable act of levity; but, in the +intoxication of spirits which was caused by the adulation of my +companions, the consciousness that I was unknown to all but my tempters +induced me to yield, and I suffered Lord Frederick to lead me out. Yet, +concealed, as I fancied myself, I performed with a degree of +embarrassment which must have precluded all grace; though this +embarrassment only served to enhance the praises which were lavished on +me by Lord Frederick. + +When the dance was ended, and I was going eagerly to rejoin Lady St +Edmunds, I looked round for her in vain; but Miss Arnold, with an +acquaintance who had joined her, waited for me, and once more we set out +in search of our erratic hostess. In the course of our progress, we +passed a buffet spread with wines, ices, and sherbets. Exhausted with +the heat occasioned by the crowd, my mask, and the exercise I had just +taken, I was going to swallow an ice; when Lord Frederick, vehemently +dissuading me from so dangerous a refreshment, poured out a large glass +of champagne, and insisted upon my drinking it. I had raised it to my +lips, when I again heard the same low solemn voice which had before +addressed me. 'Drink sparingly,' it said, 'the cup is poisoned.' Looking +hastily round, I thought I discovered that the warning came from a +person in a black domino; but in his air and figure I could trace +nothing which was familiar to my recollection. My thoughts, I know not +why, glanced towards Mr Maitland; but there was no affinity whatever +between his tall athletic figure, and the spare, bending diminutive form +of the black domino. + +No metaphorical meaning occurring to my mind, the caution of the mask +appeared so manifestly absurd, that I concluded it to be given in jest; +and, with a careless smile, drank the liquor off. Through my previous +fatigue, it produced an immediate effect upon my spirits, which rose to +an almost extravagant height. I rattled, laughed; and, but for the +crowd, would have skipped along the chalked floors, as I again passed +from room to room in quest of Lady St Edmunds. Our search, however was +vain. In none of the crowded apartments was Lady St Edmunds to be found. + +In traversing one of the lobbies, we observed a closed door; Lord +Frederick threw it open, and we entered, still followed by Miss Arnold +and her companion. The room to which it led was splendidly furnished. +Like the rest of those we had seen, it was lighted up, and supplied with +elegant refreshments. But it was entirely unoccupied, and the fresh +coolness of the air formed a delightful contrast to the loaded +atmosphere which we had just quitted. Having shut out the crowd, Lord +Frederick, throwing himself on the sofa by my side, advised me to lay +aside my mask; and the relief was too agreeable to be rejected. He +himself unmasked also, and, handsome as he always undoubtedly was, I +think never saw him appear to such advantage. While Miss Arnold and her +companion busied themselves in examining the drawings which hung round +the room, Lord Frederick whispered in my ear a hundred flatteries, +seasoned with that degree of passion, which, according to the humour of +the hour, destroys all their power to please, or makes them doubly +pleasing. If I know myself, I never felt the slightest spark of real +affection for Lord Frederick; yet, whether it was that pleased vanity +can sometimes take the form of inclination, or whether, to say all in +Miss Mortimer's words, 'having ventured upon the tempter's own ground, +better spirits had forsaken me,' I listened to my admirer with a favour +different from any which I had ever before shown him. + +I even carried this folly so far as to suffer him to detain me after +Miss Arnold and her companion had quitted the room, although I began to +suspect that I could already discern the effects of the wine, which, +from time to time, he swallowed freely. Not that it appeared to affect +his intellects; on the contrary, it seemed to inspire him with +eloquence; for he pleaded his passion with increasing ardour, and +pursued every advantage in my sportive opposition, with a subtlety which +I had never suspected him of possessing. He came at length to the point +of proposing an expedition to Scotland, urging it with a warmth and +dexterity which I was puzzled how to evade. In this hour of folly, I +mentally disposed of his request among the subjects which might deserve +to be reconsidered. Meantime, I opposed the proposal with a playful +resistance, which I intended should leave my sentence in suspense, but +which I have since learnt to know that lovers prefer to more direct +victory. Lord Frederick at first affected the raptures of a successful +petitioner; and though I contrived to set him right in this particular, +his extravagance increased, till I began to wish for some less elevated +companion. He was even in the act of attempting to snatch a kiss,--for a +lord in the inspiration of champagne is not many degrees more gentle or +respectful than a clown,--when the door flew open, and admitted Lady +Maria de Burgh, Mrs Sarah Winterfield, and my black domino. + +Our indiscretions never flash more strongly upon our view than when +reflected from the eye of an enemy. All the impropriety of my situation +bursting upon me at once, the blood rushed in boiling torrents to my +face and neck; while Mrs Sarah, with a giggle, in which envy mingled +with triumphant detection, exclaimed, 'Bless my heart! we have +interrupted a flirtation!'--'A flirtation!' repeated Lady Maria, with a +toss expressive of ineffable disdain; while I, for the first time, +shrinking from her eye, stood burning with shame and anger. Lord +Frederick's spirits were less fugitive:--'Damn it!' cried he +impatiently, 'if either of you had a thousandth part of this lady's +charms, you might expect a man sometimes to forget himself; but I'll +answer for it, neither of you is in any danger. Forgive me, I beseech +you, dear Miss Percy,' continued he, turning to me: 'if you would not +make me the most unhappy fellow in England, you must forgive me.' But I +was in no humour to be conciliated by a compliment, even at the expense +of Lady Maria. 'Oh! certainly, my Lord,' returned I, glancing from him +to his sister; 'I can consider impertinence and presumption only as +diseases which run in the family.' I tried to laugh as I uttered this +sally; but the effort failed, and I burst into tears. + +Lord Frederick, now really disconcerted, endeavoured to soothe me by +every means in his power; while the two goddesses stood viewing us with +shrugs and sneers, and the black domino appeared to contemplate the +scene with calm curiosity. More mortified than ever by my own +imbecility, I turned from them all, uttering some impatient reflection +on the inattention of my hostess. 'She will not be so difficult of +discovery _now_,' said the black domino sarcastically; 'you will find +her with your convenient friend in the great drawing-room.' I followed +the direction of my mysterious inspector, and found Lady St Edmunds, as +he had said, in company with Miss Arnold. + +Angrily reproaching my friend with her unseasonable desertion, and even +betraying some displeasure against the charming Countess, I announced my +intention of returning home immediately. Lady St Edmunds endeavoured to +dissuade me, but I was inflexible; and at last Lord Frederick, who still +obsequiously attended me, offered to go and enquire for my carriage. 'I +commit my sultana to you,' said he, with an odd kind of emphasis to his +aunt. She seemed fully inclined to accept the trust; for she assailed my +ill-humour with such courteous submissions, such winning blandishments, +such novel remark, and such amusing repartee, that, in spite of myself, +I recovered both temper and spirits. + +Such was the fascination which she could exercise at pleasure, that I +scarcely observed the extraordinary length of time which Lord Frederick +took to execute his mission. I was beginning, however, to wonder that he +did not return, when I was once more accosted by the black domino. +'Infatuated girl!' said he, in the low impressive whisper, to which I +now began to listen with alarm, 'whither are you going?' + +'Home,' returned I, 'where I wish I had been an hour ago.' + +'Are you false as well as weak?' rejoined the mask. 'You are not +destined to see home this night.' + +'Not see home!' repeated I, with amazement. 'What is it you mean,--or +have you any meaning beyond a teasing jest?' + +'I know,' replied the mask, 'that the carriage waits which conveys you +to Scotland.' + +I started at the odd coincidence between the stranger's intelligence and +my previous conversation with Lord Frederick. Yet a moment's +consideration convinced me, that his behaviour either proceeded from +waggery or mistake. 'Get better information,' said I, 'before you +commence fortune-teller. It is my father's carriage and servants that +wait for me.' + +The mask shook his head, and retreated without answering. I enquired of +Lady St Edmunds whether she knew him, but she was unacquainted with his +appearance. I was just going to relate to her the strange conversation +which he had carried on with me in an under-voice, when Lord Frederick +returned to tell me, that the carriage was at the door; adding, that he +feared he must hasten me, lest it should be obliged to drive off. +Hastily taking leave of Lady St Edmunds, Miss Arnold and I took each an +arm of Lord Frederick, and hurried down stairs. + +My foot was already on the step of the carriage, when I suddenly +recoiled:-- + +'This is not our carriage?' cried I. + +'It is mine, which is the same thing,' said Lord Frederick. + +'No, no! it is not the same,' said I, with quickness; the warning of the +black domino flashing on my recollection. 'I should greatly prefer going +in my own.' + +'I fear,' returned Lord Frederick, 'that it will be impossible for yours +to come up in less than an hour or two.' + +I own, I felt some pleasure on hearing him interrupted by the voice of +my strange adviser. 'If Miss Percy will trust to me,' said he, 'I shall +engage to place her in her carriage, in one tenth part of that time.' + +'Trust you!' cried Lord Frederick very angrily.--'And who are you?' + +'Miss Percy's guard for the present,' answered the mask dryly. + +'Her guard!' exclaimed Lord Frederick. 'From whom?' + +'From you, my Lord, if you make it necessary,' retorted the stranger. + +'Oh mercy,' interrupted Miss Arnold, 'here will be a quarrel:--do, for +heaven's sake, Ellen, let us be gone.' + +'Do not alarm yourself, young lady,' said the stranger, in a sarcastic +tone; 'the dispute will end very innocently. Miss Percy, let me lead you +to your carriage; or, if you prefer remaining here while I go in search +of it, for once show yourself firm, and resist every attempt to entice +you from this spot.' + +I embraced the latter alternative, and the stranger left us. The moment +he was gone, Miss Arnold began to wonder who the impudent officious +fellow could be, and to enquire whether we were to wait his pleasure in +the lobby for the rest of the night. She protested her belief, that I +had been infected by that precise old maid Miss Mortimer; and could by +no means imagine what was my objection to Lord Frederick's carriage. I +coldly persisted in preferring my own, though my suspicions were +staggered by the readiness with which Lord Frederick appeared to +acquiesce in my decision. Notwithstanding his impatience at the +stranger's first interference, he now treated the matter so carelessly, +that my doubts were fast giving ground, when the black domino returned, +followed by one of my servants, who informed me that my carriage was now +easily accessible. + +Leaving Lord Frederick to Miss Arnold, I gave my hand to my mysterious +guardian; and, curiosity mingling with a desire to show some little +return of civility, I enquired, whether he would allow me to set him +down. The stranger declined; but, offering to escort me home, took his +place by my side; giving orders to a servant in a plain but handsome +livery, that his chariot should follow him to Mr Percy's. + +During our drive, I was occupied in endeavouring to discover the name of +my unknown attendant, and the means by which he had gained his +intelligence. Upon the first point he was utterly impracticable. Upon +the second, he frankly declared, that having no business at the +masquerade, except to watch me and those with whom I appeared connected +for the evening, he had, without difficulty, traced all our motions; but +why he had chosen such an office he refused to discover. When he again +mentioned the intended expedition to Scotland, Miss Arnold averred that +she was lost in astonishment, and asserted her utter incredulity. I too +expressed my doubts; alleging, that Lord Frederick could not believe me +weak enough to acquiesce in such an outrage. 'As I have not the honour +of Miss Percy's acquaintance,' returned the stranger dryly, 'I cannot +determine, whether a specious flatterer had reason to despair of +reconciling her to a breach of propriety.' The glow of offended pride +rose to my cheek; but the carriage stopped, and I had no time to reply; +for the stranger instantly took his leave. + +As soon as he was gone, Miss Arnold grew more fervent in her expressions +of wonder at his strange conduct, and his more strange discovery, of +which she repeated her entire disbelief. I had no defined suspicion of +my friend, nor even any conviction of Lord Frederick's intended +treachery; but I perceived that there was something in the events of the +night which I could not unravel; and, weary and bewildered, I listened +to her without reply. + +We were about to separate for the night, when a servant brought me a +note which, he said, he had found in the bottom of the carriage. It was +not mine; it belonged to the stranger. 'Oh now!' cried Miss Arnold, +eagerly advancing to look at it, 'we shall discover the mystery.' But I +was not in a communicative humour; so, putting the note in my pocket, I +bade her good night more coldly than I had ever done before, and retired +to my chamber. + +The note was addressed to a person known to me only by character; but +one whose name commands the respect of the wise, and the love of the +virtuous. The hand-writing, I thought, was that of Mr Maitland. This +circumstance strongly excited my curiosity. But, could I take a base +advantage of the accident which empowered me to examine a paper never +meant for my inspection? The thing was not to be thought of; and I +turned my reflections to the events of the evening. + +Nothing agreeable attended the retrospect. Conscience, an after-wise +counsellor, upbraided me with the futility of that pleasure which I had +purchased at the price of offending my own friend, and my mother's +friend. The temptation, which in its approach had allured me with the +forms of life and joy, had passed by; and to the backward glance, seemed +all lifeless and loathsome. Unknown and concealed, I had failed to +attract the attention which was now becoming customary to me. Lady St +Edmunds, whose society had been my chief attraction to this ill-fated +masquerade, had appeared rather to shun than to seek me. Above all, the +indecorous situation in which I had been surprised by Lady Maria, and +the aspect which her malice might give to my indiscretion, haunted me, +like an evil genius, meeting my 'mind's eye' at every turn. + +I was glad to revert from these tormenting thoughts, to my speculations +concerning the black domino. I was unable to divine the motive which +could induce a stranger to interest himself in my conduct. I fancied, +indeed, that I recognised Mr Maitland's hand-writing; and thought for a +moment that he might have instigated my mysterious protector. But what +concern had Mr Maitland in my behaviour? What interest could I possibly +have excited in the composed, stately, impracticable Mr Maitland? +Besides, I was neither sure that he really was the writer of the note, +nor that its contents had any reference to me. I again carefully +examined the address, but still I remained in doubt. There could be no +_great_ harm, I thought, in looking merely at the signature. I threw the +cautious glance of guilt round the room, and then ventured to convince +myself. Before I could restore the note to its folds, I had undesignedly +read a few words which roused my eager curiosity. Almost unconscious of +what I was doing, I finished the sentence which contained them. + +Those who are accustomed to watch the progress of temptation, will be at +no loss to guess the issue of this ominous first step. Had I been +earnest in my resolution to pursue the right path, I ought to have put +it out of my own power to choose the wrong. As it was, I first +wished--then doubted--hesitated--ventured--and ventured farther--till +there was nothing left for curiosity to desire, or honour to forego. The +note was as follows:-- + + 'My dear sir,--Our worthy friend, Miss Mortimer, has just now sent + to beg that I will follow her young charge to Lady St E's masked + ball, whither she has been decoyed by that unprincipled woman. I + fear there is some sinister purpose against this poor thoughtless + girl. But it is impossible for me to go. The great cause which I am + engaged to plead to-morrow must not be postponed to any personal + consideration. Will you then undertake the office which I must + refuse? Will you watch over the safety of this strange being, who + needs an excuse every moment, and finds one in every heart? She + must not, and shall not, be entrapped by that heartless Lord F. He + cannot love her. He may covet her fortune--perhaps her person too, + as he would covet any other fashionable gewgaw; but he is safe from + the witchery of her _naif_ sensibility, her lovely singleness of + mind. I enclose the description which has been sent me of her + dress. Should another wear one similar, you will distinguish Miss + Percy by a peculiar elegance of air and motion. She is certainly + the most graceful of women. Or you may know her by the inimitable + beauty of her arm. I once saw it thrown round her father's neck. My + dear friend, if you are not most particularly engaged, lose not a + moment. She is already among these designing people. I have told + you that I am interested in her, for the sake of Miss Mortimer; but + I did not express half the interest I feel. + + 'Yours faithfully, + 'H. MAITLAND.' + +In spite of the checks of conscience, I read this billet with +exultation. I skipped before my looking-glass; and, tossing back the +long tresses which I had let fall on my shoulders, surveyed with no +small complacency the charms which were acknowledged by the stoical Mr +Maitland. Then I again glanced over some of his expressions, wondering +what kind of interest it was that he had 'left half told.' Was it love? +thought I. But when I recollected his general manner towards me, I was, +in spite of vanity and the billet, obliged to doubt. I resolved, +however, to ascertain the point; 'and if he be readily caught,' thought +I, 'what glorious revenge will I take for all his little sly sarcasms.' +To play off a fool was nothing; that I could do every day. But the +grave, wise Mr Maitland would be so divertingly miserable, that I was in +raptures at the prospect of my future amusement. + +Along with this inundation of vanity, however, came its faithful +attendant, vexation of spirit. I could not doubt, that the domino would +report to his employer the events of the evening. I knew that Mr +Maitland's notions of feminine decorum were particularly strict; and I +felt almost as much chagrined by the thought of his being made +acquainted with the real extent of my indiscretion, as by the prospect +of the form which it might take in the world's eye under the colouring +of Lady Maria's malice. Harassed with fatigue, my mind tossed between +self-accusings, disappointment, curiosity, and mortification, I passed a +restless night; nor was it till late in the morning that I fell into a +feverish unquiet slumber. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + _Think you the soul, when this life's rattles cease, + Has nothing of more manly to succeed! + Contract the taste immortal. Learn e'en now + To relish what alone subsists hereafter._ + + Young + + +The next morning, on entering the breakfast-parlour, the first object +which met my eye was Miss Mortimer, in a travelling dress. +Notwithstanding our conversation on the preceding day, the consciousness +of having done amiss made me ascribe her departure, or at least the +suddenness of it, to displeasure against me; and, 'soon moved with touch +of blame,' I would not deign to notice the circumstance, but took my +place at the breakfast-table in surly silence. Our meal passed gloomily +enough. I sat trying to convince myself that Miss Mortimer was +unreasonably offended; my father wrinkled his dark brows till his eyes +were scarcely visible; Miss Arnold fidgeted upon her chair; and Miss +Mortimer bent over her untasted chocolate, stealing up her fingers now +and then to arrest the tear ere it reached her cheek. + +'Truly, Miss Mortimer,' said my father at last, 'I must say I think it a +little strange that you should leave us so suddenly, before we have had +time to provide a person to be with Ellen.' This speech, or the manner +in which it was spoken, roused Miss Mortimer; for she answered with a +degree of spirit which broke upon the meekness of her usual manner like +summer lightning on the twilight. 'While I had a hope of being useful to +Miss Percy,' said she, 'I was willing to doubt of the necessity for +leaving her; but every such hope must end since it is judged advisable +to use concealment with me. Besides, I am now fully aware of my +situation. Dr ---- has told me that any delay will be fatal to all +chance of success.' + +'Well,' said my father, 'every one is the best judge of his own affairs; +but my opinion is that you had better have staid where you are. You +might have had my family surgeon to attend you when you chose, without +expense. I take it your accommodations would have been somewhat +different from what you can have in that confined hovel of yours.' + +Miss Mortimer shook her head. 'I cannot doubt your liberality, sir,' +said she; 'but the very name of home compensates many a want; and I find +it is doubly dear to the sick and the dying.' + +Miss Mortimer's last words, and the sound of her carriage as it drove to +the door, brought our comfortless meal to a close; and, in a mood +between sorrow and anger, I retreated to a window, where I stood gazing +as steadfastly into the street, as if I had really observed what was +passing there. I did not venture to look round while I listened to Miss +Mortimer's last farewell to my father; and I averted my face still more +when she drew near and took the hand which hung listless by my side. +'Ellen,' said her sweet plaintive voice, 'shall we not part friends?' + +I would have given the universe at that moment for the obduracy to utter +a careless answer; but it was impossible:--so I stretched my neck as if +to watch somewhat at the farther end of the street, though in truth my +eyes were dim with tears more bitter than those of sorrow. Miss Mortimer +for a while stood by me silent, and when she spoke, her voice was broken +with emotion. 'Perhaps we may meet again,' whispered she, 'if I live, +perhaps. I know it is in vain to tell you now that you are leaning on a +broken reed; but if it should pierce you--if worldly pleasures fail +you--if you should ever long for the sympathy of a faithful heart, will +you think of me, Ellen? Will you remember your natural, unalienable +right over her whom your mother loved and trusted?' + +I answered not. Indeed I could not answer. My father and Miss Arnold +were present; and, in the cowardice of pride, I could not dare the +humiliation of exposing to them the better feeling which swelled my +heart to bursting,--I snatched my hand from the grasp of my friend,--my +only real friend,--darted from her presence, and shut myself up alone. + +By mere accident the place of my refuge was my mother's parlour. All was +there as she had left it; for when the other apartments were new +modelled to the fashion of the day, I had rescued hers from change. +There lay the drawing-case where she had sketched flowers for me. There +was the work-box where I had ravelled her silks unchidden. There stood +the footstool on which I used to sit at her feet; and there stood the +couch on which at last the lovely shadow leaned, when she was wasting +away from our sight. 'Oh mother, mother!' I cried aloud; 'mother who +loved me so fondly, who succoured me with thy life! is this my gratitude +for all thy love! Thou hadst one friend, one dear and true to thee; and +I have slighted, abused, driven her from me, sick and dying! Oh why +didst thou cast away thy precious life for such a heartless, thankless +thing as I am!' + +My well-deserved self-reproach was interrupted by something that touched +me. It was poor Fido; who, laying his paw upon my knee, looked up in my +face, and gave a short low whine, as if enquiring what ailed me? 'Fido! +poor Fido!' said I, 'what right have I to you?--you should have been +Miss Mortimer's. She would not misuse even a dog of my mother's. Go, +go!' I continued, as the poor creature still fawned on me; 'all kindness +is lost upon _me_. Miss Mortimer better deserves to have the only living +memorial of her friend.' + +The parting steps of my neglected monitress now sounded on my ear as she +passed to the carriage; and, catching my little favourite up in my arms, +I sprang towards the door. 'I will bid her keep him for my mother's +sake,' thought I, 'and ask her too, for my mother's sake, to pardon me.' +My hand was on the lock, when I heard Miss Arnold's voice, uttering, +unmoved, a cold parting compliment; and I was not yet sufficiently +humbled to let her witness my humiliation. I did not dare to meet the +stoical scrutiny of her eye, and hastily retreated from the door. After +a moment's hesitation I pulled the bell, and a servant came, 'Take that +dog to Miss Mortimer,' said I, turning away to hide my swollen eyes, +'and tell her I beg as a particular favour that she will carry him away +with her--he has grown intolerably troublesome.' The man stood staring +in inquisitive surprise; for all the household knew that Fido was my +passion. 'Why don't you do as you are desired?' cried I, impatiently. +The servant disappeared with my favourite; I listened till I heard the +carriage drive off; then threw myself on my mother's couch, and wept +bitterly. + +But the dispositions which mingled with my sorrow foreboded its +transient duration. My faults stood before me as frightful +apparitions,--objects of terror, not of examination; and I hastened to +shut them from my offended sight. I quickly turned from reproaching my +own persevering rejection of Miss Mortimer's counsels, to blame her +method of counselling. Why would she always take such a timid, +circuitous way of advising me? If she had told me directly that she +suspected Lord Frederick of wishing to entrap me at that odious +masquerade, I was sure that I should have consented to stay at home; and +I repeated to myself again and again, that I was sure I should,--as we +sometimes do in our soliloquies, when we are not quite so sure as we +wish to be. + +Glad to turn my thoughts from a channel in which nothing pleasurable was +to be found, I now reverted to the incidents of the former evening. But +there, too, all was comfortless or obscure. The situation in which I had +been surprised by Lady Maria was gall and wormwood to my recollection. I +could neither endure nor forbear to anticipate the form which the +ingenuity of hatred might give to the story of my indiscretion; and, +while I pictured myself already the object of sly sarcasm,--of direct +reproach,--of insulting pity,--every vein throbbed feverishly with proud +impatience of disgrace, and redoubled hatred of my enemy. In the tumult +of my thoughts, a wish crossed my mind, that I had once sheltered myself +from calumny, and inflicted vengeance on my foe, by consenting to +accompany Lord Frederick to Scotland; but this was only the thought of a +moment; and the next I relieved my mind from the crowd of tormenting +images which pressed upon it, by considering whether my lover had really +meditated a bold experiment upon my pliability, or whether my masquerade +friend had been mistaken in his intelligence. Finding myself unable to +solve this question, I went to seek the assistance of Miss Arnold. I was +told she was abroad; and, after wondering a little whither she could +have gone without acquainting me, I ordered the carriage, and went to +escape from my doubts, and from myself, by a consultation with Lady St +Edmunds. + +Her Ladyship's servant seemed at first little inclined to admit me; but +observing that a hackney coach moved from the door to let my barouche +draw up, I concluded that my friend was at home, and resolutely made my +way into the house. The servant, seeing me determined, ushered me into a +back drawing-room; where, after waiting some time, I was joined by Lady +St Edmunds. She never received me with more seeming kindness. She +regretted having been detained from me so long; wondered at the +stupidity of her domestics in denying her at any time to me; and thanked +me most cordially for having made good my entrance. In the course of our +conversation, I related, so far as it was known to me, the whole story +of the mask; and ended by asking her opinion of the affair. She listened +to my tale with every appearance of curiosity and interest; and, when I +paused for a reply, declared, without hesitation, that she considered +the whole interference and behaviour of my strange protector as a jest. +I opposed this opinion, and Lady St Edmunds defended it; till I +inadvertently confessed that I had private reasons for believing him to +be perfectly serious. Her Ladyship's countenance now expressed a lively +curiosity, but I was too much ashamed of my 'private reasons' to +acknowledge them; and she was either too polite to urge me, or confident +of gaining the desired information by less direct means. + +Finding me assured upon this point, she averred that the information +given by my black domino, if not meant in jest, must at least have +originated in mistake. 'These prying geniuses,' said she, 'will always +find a mystery, or make one. But of this I am sure, Frederick has too +much of your own open undesigning temper to entrap you; even though,' +added she, with a sly smile, 'he were wholly without hopes from +persuasion.' I was defending myself in some confusion from this attack, +when Lady St Edmunds interrupted me by crying out, 'Oh I can guess now +how this mystery of yours has been manufactured! I have this moment +recollected that Frederick intended setting out early this morning for +Lincolnshire. Probably he might go the first stage in the carriage which +took him home from the ball; and your black domino having discovered +this circumstance, has knowingly worked it up into a little romance.' + +Glad to escape from the uneasiness of suspicion, and perhaps from the +necessity of increasing my circumspection, I eagerly laid hold on this +explanation, and declared myself perfectly satisfied; but Lady St +Edmunds, who seemed anxious to make my conviction as complete as +possible, insisted on despatching a messenger to enquire into her +nephew's motions. + +She left the room for this purpose; and I almost unconsciously began to +turn over some visiting cards which were strewed on her table. One of +them bore Miss Arnold's name, underneath which this sentence was written +in French: 'Admit me for five minutes; I have something particular to +say.' These words were pencilled, and so carelessly, that I was not +absolutely certain of their being Miss Arnold's hand-writing. I was +still examining this point, when Lady St Edmunds returned; and, quite +unsuspectingly, I showed her the card; asking her smiling, 'What was +this deep mystery of Juliet's?' + +'That?' said Lady St Edmunds;--'oh, that was--a--let me see--upon my +word, I have forgotten what it was--a consultation about a cap, or a +feather, or some such important affair--I suppose it has lain on that +table these six months.' + +'Six months!' repeated I simply. 'I did not know that you had been so +long acquainted.' + +'How amusingly precise you are!' cried Lady St Edmunds, laughing. 'I did +not mean to say exactly six times twenty-nine days and six hours, but +merely that the story is so old that I have not the least recollection +of the matter.' + +She then immediately changed the subject. With a countenance full of +concern, and with apologies for the liberty she took, she begged that I +would enable her to contradict a malicious tale which, she said, Lady +Maria de Burgh had, after I left the masquerade, half-hinted, half-told, +to almost every member of the company. Ready to weep with vexation, I +was obliged to confess that the tale was not wholly unfounded; and I +related the affair as it had really happened. Lady St Edmunds lifted her +hands and eyes, ejaculating upon the effects of malice and envy in such +a manner, as convinced me that my indiscretion had been dreadfully +aggravated in the narration; but when I pressed to know the particulars, +she drew back, as if unwilling to wound me further, and even affected to +make light of the whole affair. She declared that, being now acquainted +with the truth, she should find it very easy to defend me:--'At all +events,' added she, 'considering the terms on which you and Frederick +stand with each other, nobody, except an old prude or two, will think +the matter worth mentioning.' I was going to protest against this ground +of acquittal, when the servant came to inform his mistress aloud, that +Lord Frederick had set out for Lincolnshire at five o'clock that +morning. This confirmation of Lady St Edmunds' conjecture entirely +removed my suspicions; and convinced me, that my black domino, having +executed his commission with more zeal than discernment, had utterly +mistaken Lord Frederick's intentions. + +Some other visiters being now admitted, I left Lady St Edmunds, and +ordered my carriage home, intending to take up Miss Arnold before I +began my usual morning rounds. At the corner of Bond Street, the +overturn of a heavy coal-waggon had occasioned considerable +interruption; and, while one line of carriages passed cautiously on, +another was entirely stopped. My dexterous coachman, experienced in +surmounting that sort of difficulty, contrived to dash into the moving +line. As we slowly passed along, I thought I heard Miss Arnold's voice. +She was urging the driver of a hackney coach to proceed, while he +surlily declared, 'that he would not break his line and have his wheels +torn off to please anybody.' The coach had in its better days been the +property of an acquaintance of mine, whose arms were still blazoned on +the panel; and this circumstance made me distinctly remember, that it +was the same which I had seen that morning at Lady St Edmunds' door. + +On observing me, Miss Arnold at first drew back; but presently +afterwards looked out, and nodding familiarly, made a sign for me to +stop and take her into my barouche. I obeyed the signal; but not, I must +own, with the cordial good-will which usually impelled me towards Miss +Arnold. My friend's manner, however, did not partake of the restraint of +mine. To my cold enquiry, 'where she had been,' she answered, with ready +frankness, that she had been looking at spring silks in a shop at the +end of the street. In spite of the manner in which this assertion was +made, I must own that I was not entirely satisfied of its truth. The +incident of the hackney-coach, and the words which I had seen written on +the card, recurring together to my mind, I could not help suspecting +that Miss Arnold had paid Lady St Edmunds a visit which was intended to +be kept secret from me. Already out of humour, and dispirited, I +admitted this suspicion with unwonted readiness; and, after conjecturing +for some moments of surly silence, what could be the motive of this +little circumvention, I bluntly asked my friend, whether she had not +been in Grosvenor Square that morning? + +Miss Arnold reddened. 'In Grosvenor Square!' repeated she. 'What should +make you think so?' + +'Because the very carriage from which you have just alighted I saw at +Lady St Edmunds' door not half an hour ago.' + +'Very likely,' retorted my friend, 'but you did not see me in it, I +suppose.' + +I owned that I did not, but mentioned the card, which was connected with +it in my mind; confessing, however, simply enough, that Lady St Edmunds +denied all recollection of it. Miss Arnold now raised her handkerchief +to her eyes. 'Unkind Ellen!' said she, 'what is it you suspect? Why +should I visit Lady St Edmunds without your knowledge? But, since +yesterday, you are entirely changed,--and, after seven years of faithful +friendship----' She stopped, and turned from me as if to weep. + +I was uneasy, but not sufficiently so to make concessions. 'If my manner +is altered, Juliet,' said I, 'you well know the cause of the change. Was +it not owing to you that I was so absurdly committed to the malice of +that hateful Lady Maria? And now there is I know not what of mystery in +your proceedings that puts me quite out of patience.' + +'Yes, well I know the cause,' answered Miss Arnold, as if still in +tears. 'Your generous nature would never have punished so severely an +error of mere thoughtlessness, if that cruel Miss Mortimer had not +prejudiced you against me. She is gone indeed herself; but she has left +her sting behind. And I must go too!' continued Miss Arnold, sobbing +more violently. 'I could have borne any thing, except to be suspected.' + +My ungoverned temper often led me to inflict pain, which, with a +selfishness sometimes miscalled good nature, I could not endure to +witness. Entirely vanquished by the tears of my friend, I locked my arms +round her neck, assured her of my restored confidence; and, as friends +of my sex and age are accustomed to do, offered amends for my transient +estrangement in a manner more natural than wise, by recanting aloud +every suspicion, however momentary, which had formerly crossed my mind. +A person of much less forecast than Miss Arnold might have learned from +this recantation where to place her guards for the future. + +My friend heard me to an end, and then with great candour confessed, +what she could not now conceal, that Lord Frederick had her wishes for +his success; but she magnanimously forgave my imagining, even for a +moment, that she could condescend to assist him; and appealed to myself, +what motive she could have for favouring his suit, except the wish of +seeing me rise to a rank worthy of me. She then justified herself from +any clandestine transaction with Lady St Edmunds, giving me some very +unimportant explanation of the card which had perplexed me. + +It is so painful to suspect a friend, and I was so accustomed to shun +pain by all possible means, that I willingly suffered myself to be +convinced; and harmony being restored by Miss Arnold's address, we +engaged ourselves in shopping and visiting till it was time to prepare +for the pleasures of the night. My spirits were low, and my head ached +violently; but I had not the fortitude to venture upon a solitary +evening. From the dread of successful malice,--from the recollection of +abused friendship,--in a word, from myself,--I fled, vainly fled, to +the opera, and three parties; from whence I returned home, more languid +and comfortless than ever. + +I had just retired to my apartment, when a letter was brought me which +Miss Mortimer had left, with orders that it might be delivered when I +retired for the night. 'Oh mercy!' cried I, 'was I not wretched enough +without this new torment? But give it me. She has some right to make me +miserable.' In this spirit of penance I dismissed my maid, and began to +read my letter, which ran as follows:-- + + 'When you read this letter, my dear Ellen, one circumstance may + perhaps assist its influence. My counsels, however received, + whether used or rejected, are now drawing to a close; and you may + safely grant them the indulgence we allow to troubles which will + soon cease to molest us. I know not how far this consideration may + affect you, but I cannot think of it without strong emotion. I have + often and deeply regretted that my usefulness to you has been so + little answerable to my wishes; yet, with the sympathy which rivets + our eyes on danger which we cannot avert, I would fain have + lingered with you still; watching, with the same painful + solicitude, the approach of evils, which I in vain implored you to + avoid. But it must not be. Aware of my situation, I dare not trifle + with a life which is not mine to throw away. I must leave you, my + dearest child, probably for ever. I must loosen this last hold + which the world has on a heart already severed from all its + earliest affections. And can I quit you without one last effort for + your safety;--without once again earnestly striving to rouse your + watchfulness, ere you have cast away your all for trifles without + use or value? + + 'Ellen, your mother was my first friend. We grew up together. We + shared in common the sports and the improvements of youth; and + common sorrows, in maturer life, formed a still stronger bond. Yet + I know not if my friend herself awakened a tenderness so touching, + as that which remembrance mingles with my affection for you, when + your voice or your smile reminds me of what she was in her short + years of youth and joy. Nor is it only in trifles such as these + that the resemblance rises to endear you. You have your mother's + simplicity and truth,--your mother's warm affections,--your + mother's implicit confidence in the objects of her love. This last + was indeed the shade, perhaps the only shade of her character. But + she possessed that "alchemy divine" which could transform even her + dross into gold; and what might have been her weakness became her + strength, when she placed her supreme regards upon excellence + supreme. The nature of your affections also seems to give their + object, whatever it be, implicit influence with you; and thus it + becomes doubly important that they be worthily bestowed. It is this + which has made me watch, with peculiar anxiety, the channels in + which they seemed inclined to flow; and lament, with peculiar + bitterness, that a propensity capable of such glorious application + should be lost, or worse than lost to you. + + 'These, however, are subjects upon which you have never permitted + me to enter. You have repelled them in anger; evaded them in sport; + or barred them at once as points upon which you were determined to + act, I must not say to judge, for yourself. If, indeed, you would + have used your own judgment, one unpleasing part of this letter + might have been spared; for surely your unbiased judgment might + show you the danger of some connections into which you have + entered. It might remind you, that the shafts of calumny are seldom + so accurately directed, as not to glance aside from their chief + mark to those who incautiously approach; that those whom it has + once justly or unjustly suspected, the world views with an eye so + jaundiced as may discolour even the most innocent action of their + willing associate. Even upon these grounds I think your judgment, + had it been consulted, must have given sentence against your + intimacy with Lady St Edmunds. But these are not all. Persons who + know her Ladyship better than I pretend to do, represent her as a + mixture, more common than amiable, of improvidence in the selection + of her ends, with freedom in the choice, and dexterity in the use + of the means which she employs; in short (pardon the severity of + truth), as a mixture of imprudence and artifice. My dearest girl, + what variety of evil may not result to you from such a connection! + Whatever may be my suspicions, I am not prepared to assert that + Lady St Edmunds has any sinister design against you. Your manifest + indifference towards her nephew makes me feel more security on the + point where I should otherwise have dreaded her influence the most. + But I am convinced, that the mere love of manoeuvring becomes in + itself a sufficient motive for intrigue, and is of itself + sufficient to endanger the safety of all who venture within its + sphere. The frank and open usually possess an instinct which, + independently of caution, repels them from the designing. I must + not name to you that unhappy trait in your character, by which this + instinct has been made unavailing to you; by which the artful wind + themselves into your confidence, and the heartless cheat you of + your affection. Has not the ceaseless incense which Miss Arnold + offers blinded you to faults, which far less talent for observation + than you possess might have exposed to your knowledge and to your + disdain? Do not throw aside my letter with indignation; but, if the + words of truth offend you, consider that from me they will wound + you no more; and pardon me, too, when I confess, that, in despair + of influencing you upon this point, I have entreated your father + not to renew his invitation to Miss Arnold, but rather to + discourage, by every gentle and reasonable means, an intimacy so + eminently prejudicial to you. + + 'And now I think I see you raise your indignant head; and, with the + lofty scorn of baseness which I have so often seen expressed in + your countenance and mien, I hear you exclaim, "Shall I desert my + earliest friend!--repay with cold ingratitude her long-tried, + ardent attachment?" Your indignation, Ellen, is virtuous, but + mistaken. If Miss Arnold's attachment be real, she has a claim to + your gratitude, indeed; but not to your intimacy, your confidence, + your imitation. These are due to far other qualifications. But are + you sure, Ellen, that the warm return you make to Miss Arnold's + supposed affection is itself entirely real? Are you sure, that it + is not rather the form under which you choose to conceal from + yourself, that her adulation is become necessary to you? Before you + indignantly repel this charge, ask your own heart, whether you are, + in every instance, thus grateful for disinterested love? Is there + not a friend of whose love you are regardless?--whose counsels you + neglect?--whose presence you shun?--from whom you withhold your + trust, though the highest confidence were here the highest + wisdom?--whom you refuse to imitate, though here the most imperfect + imitation were glorious? You exchange your affection, and all the + influence which your affection bestows, for a mere shadow of + good-will. The very dog that fawns upon you, is caressed with + childish fondness. Oh, Ellen, does it never strike you with strong + amazement to reflect, that you are sensible to every love but that + which is boundless? grateful for every kindness but that which is + wholly undeserved--wholly beyond return? Is nothing due to an + unwearied friend? Is it fitting, that one who lives, who enjoys so + much to sweeten life, by the providence, the bounty, the + forbearance of a benefactor, should live to herself alone? Yet ask + your own conscience, what part of your plan of life, or rather, + since I believe your life is without a plan, which of your habits + is inspired by gratitude. Dare to be candid with yourself, and + though the odious word will grate upon your ear, enquire whether + selfishness be not rather your chosen guide;--whether you be not + selfish in your pursuit of pleasure;--selfish in your fondness for + the flatterer who soothes your vanity,--selfish in the profuse + liberality with which you vainly hope to purchase an affection + which it is not in her nature to bestow,--selfish even in the + relief which you indiscriminately lavish on every complainer whose + cry disturbs you on your bed of roses. Is this the temper of a + Christian--of one "who is not her own, but is bought with a price?" + Consider this awful price, and how will your own conduct change in + your estimation? How will you start as from a fearful dream, when + you remember, that of this mighty debt you have hitherto lived + regardless? How will you then abhor that pursuit of selfish + pleasure which has hitherto alienated your mind from all that best + deserves your care,--blasted the very sense by which you should + have perceived the excellence of your benefactor,--diverted your + regards from the deeper and deeper death which is palsying your + soul; and closed your ear against the renovating voice which calls + you to arise and live? This voice, once heard, would exalt your + confiding temper to the elevations of faith,--ennoble your careless + generosity to the self-devotion of saints and martyrs,--your warmth + of affection, now squandered on the meanest of objects, to the love + of God. The true religion once received, would change the whole + current of your hopes and fears;--would ennoble your desires, + subdue passion, humble the proud heart, overcome the world. But you + will not give her whereon to plant her foot; for where, amidst the + multitude of your toys, shall religion find a place? Oh, why should + we, by continual sacrifice, confirm our natural idolatry of created + things? Why fill, with the veriest baubles of this unsubstantial + scene, hearts already too much inclined to exclude their rightful + possessor? The pursuit of selfish pleasure is indeed natural, for + self is the idol of fallen man; but the great end of his present + state of being is to prostrate that idol before the Supreme. The + stony Dagon bows unwillingly, but bow he must. Our heavenly Father, + though a merciful, is not a fond or partial parent; and the same + lot is more or less the portion of us all. He has freely given. He + has done more; he has warned us of the real uses of his gifts. + Perverse by nature, we abuse his bounty. Again, he exhorts us by + the ministry of his servants; and often graciously sweetens his + warnings, by conveying them in the voice of partial friendship, or + parental love. We reject counsel; and the father unwillingly + chastises. He withdraws the gifts which we have perverted, or + suffers them to become themselves the punishment of their own + abuse. If kindness cannot touch, nor exhortation move, nor warning + alarm, nor chastisement reclaim, what other means can be employed + with a moral being: What remains but the fearful sentence, "He is + joined to his idols; let him alone." Oh, Ellen, my blood freezes at + the thought that such a sentence may ever go forth against you. + Rouse you, dear child of my love,--rouse you from your ill-boding + security. Tremble, lest you already approach that state where mercy + itself assumes the form of punishment. You have hitherto lived to + yourself alone. Now venture to examine this god of your + idolatry;--for the being whose pleasure and whose honour you seek, + is your god, call it by what name you will. See if it be worthy to + divide even your least service with Him who, infinite in goodness, + accepts the imperfect,--showers his bounty on the + unprofitable,--and opens, even to the rebel, the arms of a + father!--who meets your offences with undesired pardon, and + anticipates your wants with offers of himself! Think you that this + generous love could lay on you a galling yoke? I know that, though + you should distrust my judgment, you will credit my testimony; and + I solemnly protest to you, that I have found his service to be + "perfect freedom." He exalts my joys as gifts of his bounty; He + blesses my sorrows as tokens of his love; He lightens my duties by + honouring them, poor as they are, with his acceptance; and even the + pang with which I feel and own myself a lost sinner is sweetened by + remembrance of that mercy which came to seek and to save me, + _because_ I was lost. These are my pleasures; and I know that they + can counterbalance poverty, and loneliness, and pain. Your + pleasures too I have tried; and I know them to be cold, fleeting, + and unsubstantial, as the glories of a winter sky. Oh for the + eloquence of angels, that I might persuade you to exchange them for + the real treasure! Yet vain were the eloquence of angels, if the + "still small voice" be wanting, which alone can speak to the heart. + I may plead, and testify, and entreat; but is aught else within my + power?--Yes,--I will go and pray for you. + + 'E. MORTIMER.' + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + _He had the skill, when cunning's gaze would seek + To probe his heart, and watch his changing cheek, + At once the observer's purpose to espy, + And on himself roll back his scrutiny._ + + Lord Byron. + + +My friend's letter cost me a whole night's repose. I could not read +without emotion the expressions of an affection so ill repaid,--an +affection now lost to me for ever. A thousand instances of my +ingratitude forced themselves upon my recollection; and who can tell the +bitterness of that pity which we feel for those whom we have injured, +when we know that our pity can no longer avail? The mild form of Miss +Mortimer perpetually rose to my fancy. I saw her alone in her solitary +dwelling, suffering pain which was unsoothed by the voice of sympathy, +and weakness which no friend was at hand to sustain. I saw her weep over +the wounds of my unkindness, and bless me, though 'the iron had entered +into her soul!'--'But she shall not weep,--she shall not be alone and +comfortless,' I cried, starting like one who has taken a sudden +resolution: 'I will go to her. I will show her, that I am not altogether +thankless. I will spend whole days with her. I will read to her,--sing +to her,--amuse her a thousand ways. To-morrow I will go--no--to-morrow I +am engaged at Lady G.'s,--how provoking! and the day after, we must dine +with Mrs Sidney,--was ever any thing so unfortunate? However, some day +soon I will most certainly go.' So with this opiate I lulled the most +painful of my self-upbraidings. + +That part of the letter which related to my chosen associates, was not +immediately dismissed from my mind. Had no accident awakened my +suspicions, I should have indignantly rejected my friend's insinuations, +or despised them as the sentiments of a narrow-minded though +well-intentioned person; but now, my own observation coming in aid of +her remonstrances, I was obliged to own that they were not wholly +unfounded. I received them, however, as a _bon vivant_ does the advice +of his physician. He is told that temperance is necessary; and he +assents, reserving the liberty of explaining the term. I was convinced +that it was advisable to restrain my intimacy with Lady St Edmunds; I +resolved to be less frank in communicating my sentiments, less open in +regard to my affairs; and this resolution held, till the next time it +was exposed to the blandishments of Lady St Edmunds. As to Miss Arnold, +her faults, like my own, I could review only to excuse them; or rather, +they entered my mind only to be banished by some affectionate +recollection. Whatever has long ministered to our gratification, is at +last valued without reference to its worth; and thus I valued Juliet. +Nay, perhaps my perverted heart loved her the more for her deficiency in +virtues, which must have oppressed me with a painful sense of +inferiority. In short, 'I could have better spared a better' person. +But, amidst my present 'compunctious visitings,' I thought of atoning +for my former rebellions by one heroic act of submission. I resolved +that, in compliance with Miss Mortimer's advice, I would refrain from +urging my father to detain Miss Arnold as an inmate of the family. I +was, however, spared this effort of self-command. The termination of +Miss Arnold's visit was never again mentioned, either by herself, or by +my father. In fact, she had become almost as necessary to him as to me; +and I have reason to believe, that he was very little pleased with Miss +Mortimer's interference on the subject. + +But the more serious part of my friend's letter was that which +disquieted me the most. The darkness of midnight was around me. The +glittering baubles which dazzled me withdrawn for a time, I saw, not +without alarm, the great realities which she presented to my mind. I +could not disguise from myself the uselessness of my past life; and I +shrunk under a confused dread of vengeance. In the silence, in the +loneliness of night,--without defence against that awful voice which I +had so often refused to hear,--I trembled, as conscience loudly +reproached me with the bounties of my benefactor, and the ingratitude +with which they were repaid. A sense of unworthiness wrung from me some +natural tears of remorse; a sense of danger produced some vague desires +of reformation; and this, I fancied, was repentance. How many useless +or poisonous nostrums of our own compounding do we call by the name of +the true restorative! + +But though false medicines may assume the appellation, and sometimes +even the semblance of the real, they cannot counterfeit its effects. The +cures which they perform are at best partial or transient,--the true +medicine alone gives permanent and universal health. I passed the night +under the scourge of conscience; and the strokes were repeated, though +at lengthening intervals, for several days. I was resolved, that I would +no longer be an unprofitable servant; that I would devote part of my +time and my fortune to the service of the Giver; that I would earn the +gratitude of the poor,--the applauses of my own conscience,--the +approbation of Heaven! Of the permanence of my resolutions,--of my own +ability to put them in practice,--it never entered my imagination to +doubt. I remembered having heard my duties summed up in three +comprehensive epithets, 'sober, righteous, and godly.' To be 'righteous' +was, I thought, an injunction chiefly adapted to the poor. In the +limited sense which I affixed to the command, the rich had no temptation +to break it; at all events I did not,--for I defrauded no one. 'Godly' I +certainly intended one day or other to become; but for the present I +deferred fixing upon the particulars of this change. It was better not +to attempt too much at once,--so I determined to begin by living +'soberly.' I would withdraw a little from the gay world in which I had +of late been so busy. I would pass more of my time at home. I would find +out some poor but amiable family, who had perhaps seen better days. I +would assist and comfort them; and, confining myself to a simple +neatness in my dress, would expend upon them the liberal allowance of my +indulgent father. I was presently transported by fancy to a scene of +elegant distress, and theatrical gratitude, common enough in her airy +regions, but exceedingly scarce upon the face of this vulgar earth. The +idea was delightful. 'Who,' cried I, 'would forfeit the pleasures of +benevolence for toys which nature and good sense can so well dispense +with? And, after all, what shall I lose by retreating a little from a +world where envy and malice are watchful to distort the veriest +casualties into the hideous forms upon which slander loves to scowl! No +doubt, Lady Maria's malice will find food in my new way of life,--but no +matter, I will despise it.' It is so easy to despise malice in our +closets! 'Mr Maitland,' thought I, 'will approve of my altered conduct;' +and then I considered that retirement would allow me to make +observations on the 'interest' which I had excited in Mr Maitland; for, +in the present sobered state of my mind, I thought of making +observations, rather than experiments. + +Circumstances occurred to quicken the ardour with which vanity pursued +those observations. Maitland had hitherto been content to perform the +duties of a quiet citizen. Secure of respect, and careless of +admiration, he had been satisfied to promote by conscientious industry +his means of usefulness, and, with conscientious benevolence, to devote +those means to their proper end. With characteristic reserve, he had +withdrawn even from the gratitude of mankind. He had been the unknown, +though liberal benefactor of unfriended genius. He had given liberty to +the debtor who scarcely knew of his existence; and had cheered many a +heart which throbbed not at the name of Maitland. But now the name of +Maitland became the theme of every tongue; for, in the cause of justice, +he had put forth the powers of his manly mind; and orators, such as our +senates must hope no more to own, had hung with warm applause, or with +silent rapture, upon the eloquence of Maitland! Himself a West India +merchant, and interested, of course, in the continuation of the +slave-trade, he opposed, with all the zeal of honour and humanity, this +vilest traffic that ever degraded the name and the character of man. In +the senate of his country he lifted up his testimony against this foul +blot upon her fame,--this tiger-outrage upon fellow-man,--this daring +violation of the image of God. Alas! that a more lasting page than mine +must record, that the cry of the oppressed often came up before British +senates, ere they would deign to hear! But, amidst the tergiversation of +friends, and the virulence of foes, some still maintained the cause of +justice. They poured forth the eloquence which makes the wicked tremble, +and the good man exult in the strength of virtue. The base ear of +interest refused indeed to hear; but the words of truth were not +scattered to the winds. All England, all Europe, caught the inspiration; +and burnt with an ardour which reason and humanity had failed to kindle, +till they borrowed the eloquence of Maitland. + +And now his praise burst upon me from every quarter. Those who affected +intimacy with the great, retailed it as the private sentiment of +ministers and princes. Our political augurs foretold his rise to the +highest dignities of the state. Those who love to give advice were eager +that he should forsake his humbler profession, and devote his +extraordinary talents to the good of his country. The newspapers +panegyrised him; and fashion, rank, and beauty, crowded round the happy +few who could give information concerning the age, manners, and +appearance of Mr Maitland. Not all his wisdom, nor all his worth, could +ever have moved my vain mind so much as did these tributes of applause, +from persons unqualified to estimate either. When I heard admiration +dwell upon his name, my heart bounded at the recollection of the +'interest' which he had expressed in me; and again I wondered whether +that interest were love? I would have given a universe to be able to +answer 'yes.' To see the eye which could penetrate the soul hang captive +on a glance of mine!--to hear the voice which could awe a senate falter +when it spoke to me!--to feel the hand which was judged worthy to hold +the helm of state tremble at my touch!--the very thought was +inspiration. Let not the forgiving smile which belongs to the innocent +weakness of nature be lavished on a vice which leads to such cold, such +heartless selfishness. Let it rather be remembered that avarice, +oppression, cruelty, all the iron vices which harden the heart of man, +are not more rigidly selfish, more wantonly regardless of another's +feelings, than unrestrained, active vanity. + +Meanwhile, Mr Maitland allowed me abundant opportunities for +observation. Instead of withdrawing from us after Miss Mortimer's +departure, as I feared he would, he visited us more frequently than +ever. He sometimes breakfasted with us in his way to the city; often +returned when the House adjourned in the evening; and in short seemed +inclined to spend with us the greater part of his few abstemious hours +of leisure. Yet even my vanity could trace nothing in his behaviour +which might explain this constant attendance. On the contrary, his +manner, often cold, was sometimes even severe. He was naturally far from +being morose; and often casting off the cares of business, he would +catch infectious spirits from my lightness of heart; yet even in those +moments, somewhat painful would not unfrequently appear to cross his +mind, and he would turn from me as if half in sorrow, half in anger. I +could perceive that he listened with interest when I spoke; but that +interest seemed of no pleasing kind. He often, indeed, looked amused, +but seldom approving; and if once or twice I caught a more tender +glance, it was one of such mournful kindness as less resembled love than +compassion. + +All this was provokingly unsatisfactory. I found that it was vain to +expect discoveries from observation; I was obliged to have recourse to +experiment; and it is not to be imagined what tricks I practised to +steal poor Maitland's fancied secret. So mean is vanity! and so little +security have they who submit to its power, that they may not stoop to +faults the most remote from their natural tendencies. I flourished the +arm of which he had praised the beauty, that I might watch whether his +gaze followed it in admiration. I was laboriously 'graceful;' and +sported my '_naif_ sensibility' till it was any thing but _naif_. I +obtruded my 'lovely singleness of mind,' till, I believe, I should have +become a disgusting mass of affectation, had it not been for the manly +plainness of Mr Maitland. He at first appeared to look with surprise +upon my altered demeanour; then fairly showed me by his manner that he +detected my little arts, and that he was alternately grieved to find me +condescending to plot, and angry that I could plot no better. 'That +certainly is the finest arm in England,' whispered he one evening when I +had been leaning upon it, exactly opposite to him, for five minutes, 'so +now you may put on your glove. Nay, instead of frowning, you should +thank me for that blush; for though pride and anger may have some share +in it, it is not unbecoming, since it is natural.' I was sullen for a +little, and muttered something about 'impertinence,'--but I never +flourished my arm again. + +'Lady Maria de Burgh is certainly the most beautiful girl in London,' +said I to Miss Arnold one day when the subject was in debate. This was a +fit of artificial candour; for I had observed, that Maitland detested +all symptoms of animosity; and I appealed to him, in hopes that he would +at least except me from his affirmative. 'Yes,' returned he, directing, +by one flash of his eloquent eye, the warning distinctly to me, 'Yes; +but she reminds me of the dog in the fable. Nature has given her beauty +enough; but she grasps at more, and thus loses all.' + +Affectation seemed likely to be as unavailing as watchfulness; yet, the +longer my search lasted, the more eager it became. Whatever occupied +attention long, will occupy it much; and, in my vain investigation, I +often endured the anxiety of the philosopher, who, having sailed to the +antipodes to observe the transit of Venus, saw, at the critical hour, a +cloud rise to obstruct his observations. 'How shall I fathom the heart +of that impenetrable being?' exclaimed I to my confidante one day, when, +in pursuance of my new plan of soberness and charity, I sat learning to +knit a child's stocking at the rate of a row in the hour. + +'Bless me, Ellen,' returned Miss Arnold, 'what signifies the heart of a +musty old bachelor?' + +'I don't know what you call old, Juliet; but, in my opinion, I should +be more than woman, or less, if I could suspect my power over such a man +as Maitland, and not wish to ascertain the point.' + +'I do not believe,' returned Juliet, 'that any woman upon earth has +power over him,--a cold, cynical, sarcastic----' + +'You forget,' interrupted I, 'that he has owned a strong interest in +me;' for, in the soft hour of returning confidence, I had showed his +billet to my friend. + +'Yes,' answered Miss Arnold, 'that is true; but don't you think he may +once have been a lover of your mother's, and that on her account----' + +'My mother's!' cried I. 'Ridiculous! impossible! Maitland must have been +a mere child when my mother married.' + +'Let me see,' said Miss Arnold, with calculating brow, 'your mother, had +she been alive, would now have been near forty.' + +'And Maitland, I am sure, cannot be more than two-and-thirty.' + +'Is he not?' said Miss Arnold, who had ventured as far as she thought +prudent. Silence ensued; for I was now in no very complacent frame. Miss +Arnold was the first to speak. 'Perhaps,' said she, 'Mr Maitland only +wishes to conceal his own sentiments, till he makes sure of +yours,--perhaps he would be secure of success before he condescends to +sue.' + +'If I thought the man were such a coxcomb,' cried I, 'I would have no +mercy in tormenting. I detest pride.' + +'If I have guessed right,' pursued Miss Arnold, 'a little fit of +jealousy would do excellently well to prove him, and punish him at the +same time; I am sure he deserves it very well, for making so much +mystery of nothing.' A by-stander might have indulged a melancholy smile +at my detestation of pride, and Miss Arnold's antipathy to mystery. But +our abhorrence of evil is never more vehemently, perhaps never more +sincerely expressed, than when our own besetting sin thwarts us in the +conduct of others. + +'But,' said I, for experience had begun to teach me some awe for +Maitland's penetration, 'what if he should see through our design, and +only laugh at us and our manoeuvring?' + +'Oh! as for that,' returned Juliet, 'choose his rival well, and there is +no sort of danger. A dull, every-day creature, to be sure, would never +do: but fix upon something handsome, lively, fashionable, and it must +appear the most natural thing in the world. By the by, did he ever seem +to suspect any one in particular?' + +'What! don't you remember that, in his note, he speaks with tolerably +decent alarm of Lord Frederick?' + +'Oh! true,' returned Miss Arnold, 'I had forgotten.--Well, do you think +you could pitch upon a better flirt?' + +Now my friend knew that I happened at that moment to have no choice of +flirts; for, besides that Lord Frederick was the only dangler whom I had +ever systematically encouraged, he was the only one of my present +admirers who could boast any particular advantages of figure or +situation. 'He might answer the purpose well enough,' returned I, 'if we +knew how to bring Maitland and him together; but you know he does not +visit here since his foolish old father thought fit to interfere.' + +'That may be easily managed,' replied Juliet. 'The slightest hint from +you would bring him back.' + +I had once determined to listen with caution to Miss Arnold's advice, +where Lord Frederick was concerned; but now her advice favoured my +inclination; and that which ought to have made me doubly suspicious of +her counsels, was the cause why I followed them without hesitation. The +hint to Lord Frederick was given at the first opportunity, and proved as +effectual as its instigator had foretold. Still, however, some +contrivance was necessary to bring the rivals together; for the man of +fashion and the man of business seldom paid their visits at the same +hour. At length I effected an interview; and never was visiter more +partially distinguished than Lord Frederick. We placed ourselves +together upon a sofa, apart from the rest of the company, and forthwith +entered upon all the evolutions of flirtation; for I whispered without a +secret, laughed without a joke, frowned without anger, and talked +without discretion. + +It was Miss Arnold's allotted province to watch the effect of these +fooleries upon Maitland; but I could not refrain from sharing her task, +by stealing at times a glance towards him. These glances animated my +exertions; for I was almost sure that he looked disturbed; and fancied, +more than once, that I saw his colour change. But if he was uneasy at +witnessing Lord Frederick's success, he did not long subject himself to +the pain; for, after having endured my folly for a quarter of an hour, +without offering it the least interruption, he took a very frozen leave, +and departed. I laughed at his coldness; convinced, as I now was, that +it was only the pettishness of jealousy. Miss Arnold, however, gently +insinuated a contrary opinion. 'She might, indeed, be mistaken, she +could not pretend to my talent for piercing disguise; but she must +confess, that Maitland had succeeded in concealing from her every trace +of emotion.' It may easily be imagined, that this opinion, however +seasoned with flattery, and however cautiously expressed, was not very +agreeable to me. To dispel my friend's doubts, rather than my own, I +proposed a second trial; but some time elapsed before that trial could +be made. In the mean while, Lord Frederick failed not to profit by his +recent admission. His visits even became so frequent, that, dreading an +altercation with my father, I began to wish that I had been more guarded +in my invitation. + +But, this did not prevent me from re-acting my coquetry the next time +that the supposed rivals met in my presence. After this second +interview, Miss Arnold, though with great deference, persisted in her +former sentence; and I was unwillingly obliged to soften somewhat the +vehemence of my dissent; for if Maitland was wounded by my preference of +Lord Frederick, he certainly endured the smart with Spartan fortitude. I +was somewhat disconcerted; and should have laid aside all my vain +surmises, had not the recollection of Maitland's note constantly +returned to strengthen them. + +Our experiments, however, were brought to a close by a disclosure of my +father's. 'Miss Percy,' said he one day, taking his posture of +exhortation, 'I think Lord Frederick de Burgh seems to wait upon you +every day. Now, after what has passed, this is indiscreet; and, +therefore, it is my desire that you give him no encouragement to +frequent my house. I would have put a stop to the thing at once, but I +can perceive that you don't care for the puppy; and Maitland, who is a +very sharp fellow, makes the very same observation.' + +Now, I knew that this was Mr Percy's method of adopting the stray +remarks which he judged worthy to be fathered by himself; and I fully +understood, that all my laboured favour to Lord Frederick had failed to +impose upon Maitland. What could be more vexatious? I had no resource, +however; except, like the fox in the fable, to despise what was +unattainable. I vowed that I would concern myself no more with a person +who was too wise to have the common feelings of humanity. I assured my +confidante that his sentiments were a matter of perfect indifference to +me. I hope, for my conscience' sake, that this was true, for I repeated +it at least ten times every day. + +Meanwhile, in the ardour of my investigation, I had, from time to time, +deferred my purposed visit to Miss Mortimer. My heart had not failed to +reproach me with this delay; but I had constantly soothed it with +promises for to-morrow,--to-morrow, that word of evil omen to all +purposes of reformation! At last, however, I was resolved to repair my +neglect; for the day after Maitland's quick-sightedness happened to be +Sunday; and how could the Sabbath be better employed than in a necessary +and pious work? It is no new thing to see that day burdened with the +necessity of works which might as well have belonged to any other. +Instead, therefore, of going to hear a fashionable preacher, I ordered +my carriage to ----. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + _----Oh my fate! + That never would consent that I should see + How worthy thou wert both of love and duty, + Before I lost you;----_ + + _With justice, therefore, you may cut me off, + And from your memory wash the remembrance + That e'er I was; like to some vicious purpose, + Which in your better judgment you repent of, + And study to forget._ + + Massinger. + + +The morning shone bright with a summer sun. The trees, though now rich +in foliage, were still varied with the fresh hues of spring. The river +flashed gaily in the sun beam; or rolled foaming from the prows of +stately vessels, which now veered as in conscious grace, now moved +onward as in power without effort, bearing wealth and plenty from +distant lands. What heart, that is not chilled by misery, or hardened by +guilt, is insensible to the charms of renovated nature! What human heart +exults not in the tokens of human power! Mine rejoiced in the splendid +scene before me; but it was the rejoicing of the proud, always akin to +boasting. 'How richly,' I exclaimed, 'has the Creator adorned this fair +dwelling of his children! A glorious dwelling, worthy of the noble +creatures for whom it was designed;--creatures whose courage braves the +mighty ocean,--whose power compels the service of the elements,--whose +wisdom scales the heavens, and unlocks the springs of a moving universe! +And can there be zealots whose gloomy souls behold in this magnificent +frame of things, only the scene of a dull and toilsome pilgrimage, for +beings wayworn, guilty, wretched?' + +In these thoughts, and others of like reasonableness and humility, I +reached the dwelling of my friend. It was a low thatched cottage, +standing somewhat apart from a few scattered dwellings, which scarcely +deserved the name of a village. I had seen it in my childhood, when a +holiday had dismissed me from confinement; and it was associated in my +mind with images of gaiety and freedom. Alas! those images but ill +accorded with its present aspect. It looked deserted and forlorn. She, +by whose taste it had been adorned, was now a prisoner within its walls. +The flowers which she had planted were blooming in confused luxuriance. +The rose-tree, which she had taught to climb the latticed porch, now +half-impeded entrance, and the jessamine which she had twined round her +casement, now threw back its dishevelled sprays as if to shade her +death-bed. The carriage stopped at the wicket of the neglected garden; +and I, my lofty thoughts somewhat quelled by the desolateness of the +scene, passed thoughtfully towards the cottage, along a walk once kept +with a neatness the most precise, now faintly marked with a narrow track +which alone repressed the disorderly vegetation. + +The door was opened for me by Miss Mortimer's only domestic; a grave and +reverend-looking person, with silver grey hair, combed smooth under a +neat crimped coif, and with a starched white handkerchief crossed +decently upon her breast. Nor were her manners less a contrast to those +of the flippant gentlewomen to whose attendance I was accustomed. With +abundance of ceremony, she ushered me up stairs; then passing me with a +low courtesy, and a few words of respectful apology, she went before me +into her mistress's apartment, and announced my arrival in terms in +which the familiar kindness of a friend blended oddly with the reverence +of an inferior. Miss Mortimer, with an exclamation of joy, stretched her +arms fondly towards me. Prepared as I was for an alteration in her +appearance, I was shocked at the change which a few weeks had effected. +A faint glow flushed her face for a moment, and vanished. Her eyes, that +were wont to beam with such dove-like softness, now shed an ominous +brilliance. The hand which she extended towards me, scarcely seemed to +exclude the light, and every little vein was perceptible in its sickly +transparency. Yet her wasted countenance retained its serenity; and her +feeble voice still spoke the accents of cheerfulness. 'My dearest +Ellen,' said she, 'this is so kind! And yet I expected it too! I knew +you would come.' + +Blushing at praise which my tardy kindness had so ill deserved, I +hastily enquired concerning her health. 'I believe,' said she smiling, +though she sighed too, 'that I am still to cumber the ground a little +longer. I am told that my immediate danger is past.' + +'Heavens be praised,' cried I, with fervent sincerity. + +'God's will be done,' said Miss Mortimer: 'I once seemed so near my +haven! I little thought to be cast back upon the stormy ocean; but, +God's will be done.' + +'Nay, call it not the stormy ocean,' said I. 'Say rather, upon a +cheerful stream, where you and I shall glide peacefully on together. You +will soon be able to come to us at Richmond; and then I will show you +all the affection and all the respect which----' 'I ought always to have +shown,' were the words which rose to my lips; but pride stifled the +accents of confession. 'Were you once able,' continued I, 'to taste the +blessed air that stirs all living things so joyously to-day, and see how +all earth and heaven are gladdened with this glorious sunshine, you +would gain new life and vigour every moment.' + +'Ay, he is shining brightly,' said Miss Mortimer, looking towards her +darkened casement. 'And a better sun, too, is gladdening all earth and +heaven; but I, confined in a low cottage, see only the faint reflection +of his brightness. But I know that He is shining gloriously,' continued +she, the flush of rapture mounting to her face, 'and I shall yet see Him +and rejoice!' + +I made no reply. 'It is fortunate,' thought I, 'that they who have no +pleasure in this life can solace themselves with the prospect of +another.' Little did I at that moment imagine, that I myself was +destined to furnish proof, that the loss of all worldly comfort cannot +of itself procure this solace; that the ruin of all our earthly +prospects cannot of itself elevate the hope long used to grovel among +earthly things. + +I spent almost two hours with my friend; during which, though so weak +that the slightest exertions seemed oppressive to her, she at intervals +conversed cheerfully. She enquired with friendly interest into my +employments and recreations; but she knew me too well to hazard more +direct interrogation concerning the effect of her monitory letter. In +the course of our conversation, she asked, whether I often saw Mr +Maitland? The question was a very simple one; but my roused watchfulness +upon that subject made me fancy something particular in her manner of +asking it. It had occurred to me, that she might possibly be able to +solve the difficulty which had of late so much perplexed me; but I could +not prevail upon myself to state the case directly. 'I wonder,' said I, +'now that you are gone, what can induce Maitland to visit us so often?' +I thought there was meaning in Miss Mortimer's smile; but her reply was +prevented by the entrance of the maid with refreshments. I wished +Barbara a thousand miles off with her tray, though it contained rich +wines, and some of the most costly fruits of the season. Miss Mortimer +pressed me to partake of them, telling me, that she was regularly and +profusely supplied. 'The giver,' said she, 'withholds nothing except his +name, and that, too, I believe I can guess.' + +A gentle knock at the house-door now drew Barbara from the room, and I +instantly began to contrive how I might revert to the subject of my +curiosity. 'Could you have imagined,' said I, 'that my father was the +kind of man likely to attract Maitland so much?' + +My enemy again made her appearance. 'Mr Maitland is below, madam,' said +she: 'I asked him in, because I thought you would not turn his worthy +worship away the third time he is come to ask for you.' + +'Well, Ellen,' said Miss Mortimer, smiling, 'as your presence may +protect my character, I think I may see him to-day.' + +As Mr Maitland entered the room, I saw my friend make a feeble effort to +rise from her seat; and, bending towards her, I supported her in my +arms. The moment Maitland's eye fell upon me, it lightened with +satisfaction. After speaking to my friend he turned to me. 'Miss Percy!' +said he; and he said no more; but I would not have exchanged these words +and the look which accompanied them for all the compliments of all +mankind. Yet at that moment the spirit of coquetry slept; I quite forgot +to calculate upon his love, and thought only of his approbation. + +I believe neither Maitland nor I recollected that he still held the hand +he had taken, till Miss Mortimer offered him some fruit, hinting that +she suspected him of having a peculiar right to it. A slight change of +colour betrayed him; but he only answered carelessly, that fruit came +seasonably after a walk of seven miles in a sultry day. 'You never +travel otherwise than on foot on Sunday,' said Miss Mortimer. 'I seldom +find occasion to travel on Sunday at all,' answered Maitland; 'but I +knew that I could spend an hour with you without violating the spirit of +the fourth commandment.' + +The hour was spent, and spent without weariness even to me; yet I cannot +recollect that a single sentence was uttered in reference to worldly +business or amusement; except that Maitland once bitterly lamented his +disappointed hopes of usefulness to the African cause. 'However,' added +he, 'I believe I had need of that lesson. Our Master is the only one +whose servants venture to be displeased if they may not direct what +service he will accept from them.' + +'Nobody is more in want of such a lesson than I,' said Miss Mortimer, +'when my foolish heart is tempted to repine at the prospect of being +thus laid aside, perhaps for years; useless as it should seem to myself +and to all human kind.' + +'My good friend,' returned Maitland (and a tear for a moment quenched +the lightning of that eye before which the most untameable spirit must +have bowed submissive), 'say not that you are useless, while you can +show forth the praise of your Creator. His goodness shines gloriously +when he bestows and blesses the gifts of nature and of fortune; but more +gloriously when his mercy gladdens life after all these gifts are +withdrawn. It is the high privilege of your condition to prove that our +Father is of himself alone sufficient for the happiness of his +children.' + +'I am sure, my friend,' cried I, 'of all people upon earth, you need the +least regret being made idle for a little while; for the recollection of +the good which you have already done must furnish your mind with a +continual feast.' + +'Indeed, Ellen,' returned Miss Mortimer, 'you never were more mistaken. +I do not recollect one action of my life, not even among those which +originated in a sense of duty, that has not been degraded by some +mixture of evil, either in the motive or in the performance.' + +'Oh but you know perfection is not expected from us.' + +Maitland shook his head. 'I fear,' said he, 'we must not trust much to +your plea, so long as we are commanded to "be perfect." Miss Mortimer +will feel at peace; not because she hopes that her King will, instead of +her just tribute, accept of counters; but because she knows that the +full tribute has been paid.' + +While I saw the truths of religion affect the vigorous mind of +Maitland,--while I saw them triumph in a feebler soul over pain, and +loneliness, and fear,--how could I remain wholly insensible to their +power? Whilst I listened to the conversation of these Christians, how +could I suppress a wish that their comforts might one day be mine? 'Pray +for me,' I whispered to Miss Mortimer, half-desirous, half-afraid to +extend my petition to Maitland, 'pray for me that, when I am sick and +dying, your God may bless me as he now blesses you.' I know not how my +friend replied; for Maitland laid his hand upon my head, with a look in +which all kind and holy feeling was so blended, that raptured saints can +image nothing more seraphic. He spoke not--but the language of man is +feeble to the eloquence of that pause! + +But my mind was as yet unfit to retain any serious impression. The voice +of truth played over it as the breeze upon the unstable waters, moving +it gently for a moment, and then passing away. My religious humour +vanished with the scene by which it was excited; and even Miss +Mortimer's parting whisper helped to replace it by a far different +spirit. 'I can guess now,' said she, 'what carries Mr Maitland so often +to Bloomsbury Square.' Before hearing this remark, I had offered to +convey Maitland to town in my carriage; and now the heart which had so +lately swelled with better feelings, beat with a little coquettish +fluttering, when, having taken leave of my friend, I found myself seated +_tete-a-tete_ with my supposed admirer. Maitland was, however, the very +innocent cause of my flutterings; since for a whole mile he talked of +Miss Mortimer, and nothing but Miss Mortimer; then, perceiving that I +was little inclined to answer, he was silent, and left me to my +reflections. + +The softness of evening was beginning to mingle with the cheerfulness of +day, and a fresher breeze began to lighten the sultry air. 'What an +Arcadian day!' cried I. 'Pity that you and I were not lovers, to enjoy +it thus alone together!' + +I meant to utter this with the prettiest air of simplicity imaginable, +but found it quite impossible to suppress the conscious glow that stole +over my face. I was certain that Maitland coloured too, though he +answered with great self-possession. 'I make no pretensions to the +character of a lover,' said he; 'but you may allow me to converse with +you like a friend, which will do as well.' + +'Oh the very worst substitute in nature,' cried I; 'for the conversation +of lovers is all complaisance; whereas I find that those who beg leave +to talk like friends always mean to ask something which I do not wish to +tell, or to tell something which I do not wish to hear.' + +'Perhaps I may mean to do both,' said Maitland; 'for there is a question +which I have often wished to ask you; and when you have answered, I may +perhaps undertake the other office too. Are you aware that common report +joins your name with that of Lord Frederick de Burgh?' + +'Stop!' cried I; 'positively you must not be my confessor.' + +'That must be as you please,' returned Maitland. 'Then I will in charity +suppose you ignorant; and when I tell you that every gossip's tongue is +busy with his good fortune, I think you will grant him no additional +triumph; unless indeed it be possible that----' He paused, and then +added with unusual warmth,--'but I will not think of such profanation, +much less utter it.' + +'Now, do Mr Maitland desist, I entreat you,' cried I, half-smiling, half +in earnest; 'for I never was lectured in my life without being guilty of +some impertinence; and there is nobody living whom I would not rather +offend than you.' + +'I believe I must venture,' returned Maitland, looking at me with a +good-humoured smile. 'I would hazard much for your advantage.' + +'Nay, positively you shall not,' said I, playfully laying my hand upon +his mouth. + +This gesture, which, I protest, originated in mere thoughtlessness, +ended in utter confusion; for Maitland, seizing my hand, pressed it to +his lips. The whole affair was transacted in far less time than I can +tell it; and we both sat looking, I believe, abundantly silly; though +neither, I fancy, had the courage to take a view of the other. + +The silence was first broken by a splenetic ejaculation from Maitland. +'Pshaw,' said he, 'you will compel me to act the puppy in spite of +myself.' Now, whatever colour Maitland might try to throw upon his +inadvertence, I plainly perceived that it had not originated in a cool +sense of the duty of gallantry; for he was even studiously inattentive +to all the common gallantries which I was accustomed to expect from +others. My breast swelled with the pride of victory; and yet my +situation was embarrassing enough; for Maitland, far from confirming my +dreams of conquest, much more from empowering me to pursue my triumph, +maintained a frozen silence, and seemed wrapt in a very unlover-like +meditation. + +The first words which he uttered were these: 'Although Parliament +refuses justice to these Africans, much might be done for those already +in slavery. Much might be done by a person residing among them, +determined to own no interest but their welfare.' I could not at that +time follow the chain which had led to this idea. Unfortunately for me, +I was soon enabled to trace the connection. + +As soon as we entered the town, Maitland expressed a wish to alight, and +immediately took a cold and formal leave. I returned home, with every +thought full of my new discovery, every affection absorbed in vanity. +Convinced of Maitland's attachment, I now only wondered why it was not +avowed. The most probable conjecture I could form was, that he wished to +save his pride the pain of a repulse; and again I piously resolved to +spare no torture within my power. I was determined that, cost what it +would, the secret should be explicitly told; after which I should, of +course, be entitled to exhibit and sport with my captive at pleasure. +Beyond this mean and silly triumph I looked not. I forgot that the lion, +even when tamed, will not learn the tricks of a monkey. Weaker souls, I +knew, might be led contented in their silken fetters: I forgot that the +strongest cords bound Samson only whilst he slept. To reward the +expected patience of my lover was not in all my thoughts. I should as +soon have dreamt of marrying my father. + +Meanwhile Maitland was in no haste to renew my opportunities of +coquetting. Business, or, as I then thought, the fear of committing +himself, kept him a whole week from visiting us. During that week, I had +canvassed the subject with Miss Arnold under every possible aspect, +except those in which it would have appeared to a rational mind. I +believe my friend began to be, as perhaps the reader is, heartily tired +of my confidence. She certainly wished the occasion of our discussion at +an end; but she had no desire that it should end favourably to my +wishes. She dreaded the increase of Maitland's influence. A mutual +dislike, indeed, subsisted between them. He seemed to have an intuitive +perception of the dark side of her character; and she to feel a +revolting awe of his undeceiving, undeceivable sagacity. I have often +seen the artful, though they despise defenceless simplicity, and delight +to exert their skill against weapons like their own, yet shrink with +instinctive dread from plain, undesigning common sense. Maitland's +presence always imposed a visible restraint upon Miss Arnold; but she +had more cogent reasons than her dislike of Maitland, for wishing to +arrest the progress of an intercourse which threatened to baffle certain +schemes of her own. Meaning to interrupt our good understanding, she +gave me the advice which appeared most likely to effect her purpose. Of +this I have now no doubt; though, at that time, I harboured not a +suspicion of any motive less friendly than a desire to forward every +purpose of mine. + +'If you don't flirt more sentimentally,' said she, 'you will never make +any impression upon Maitland. He knows you would never rattle away as +you do to De Burgh, with any man you really cared for. You should +endeavour to seem in earnest.' + +'Oh, I am quite tired of endeavouring to "seem." And then I really can't +be sentimental: it is not in my nature. Besides, it would be all in +vain. Maitland has found out that I am not in love with Lord Frederick; +and it will be impossible to convince him of the contrary.' + +'No matter; you may make him believe that you are somehow bound in +honour to Lord Frederick, which will quite answer the purpose.' + +'No Juliet; that I cannot possibly do, without downright falsehood.' + +'Oh, I'll engage to make him believe it, without telling him one word of +untruth. Let me manage the matter, and I'll make him as jealous as a +very Osmyn; that is, provided he be actually in love.' + +The scepticism of my friend upon this point was a continual source of +irritation to me; and, to own the truth, furnished one great cause of my +eagerness to ascertain my conquest beyond cavil. 'Well!' returned I, +already beginning to yield, 'if you could accomplish it honourably: +but--no--I should not like to be thought weak enough to entangle myself +with a man for whom I had no particular attachment.' + +'I am certain,' returned Miss Arnold, more gravely, 'that if Mr Maitland +thought your honour concerned, far from considering the fulfilment of +even a tacit engagement as a weakness, he would highly admire you for +the sacrifice.' + +The prospect of being 'highly admired' by Mr Maitland blinded me to the +sophistry of this answer; yet I felt myself unwilling that he should +actually believe me to be under engagement, and I expressed that +unwillingness to my adviser. 'Oh!' cried she, 'we must guard against +making him too sure. I would merely hint the thing, as what I feared +might happen, and leave you an opening to deny or explain at any time. +As I live, there he comes, just at the lucky moment! Now, leave him to +me for half an hour, and I will engage to bring him to confession; that +is, if he has any thing to confess.' + +'Well! I should like to see you convinced for once, if it be possible to +convince you; and yet what if he should----' + +'Oh, there's his knock!' interrupted Juliet. 'If we stand here +objecting, we shall lose the opportunity. Sure you can trust to my +management.' + +'Well, Juliet,' said I, with a prophetic sigh, 'do as you please; but, +for Heaven's sake, be cautious!' She instantly accepted the permission, +and flew down stairs to receive him in the parlour. + +Let no woman retain in her confidence the treacherous ally who once +persuades or assists her to depart from the plain path of simplicity. +Such an ally, whatever partial fondness may allege, must be deficient +either in understanding or in integrity. That the associate who incites +you to deceive others will in time deceive yourself, is the least evil +to be apprehended from such a connection. The young are notoriously +liable to the guidance of their intimates; and most women are, in this +respect, young all their lives. If I had naturally any good tendency, it +was toward sincerity; and yet a false friend, working on my ruling +passion, had led me to the brink of actual deceit. So stable are the +virtues which are founded only in constitution or humour! Had I been +wisely unrelenting to the first artifice of pretended friendship, and +honestly abhorrent even of the wile which professed to favour me, the +bitterest misfortunes of my life might have been spared; and I might +have escaped from sufferings never to be forgotten, from errors never to +be cancelled. + +My punishment began even during the moments of Miss Arnold's conference +with Maitland. I was restless and agitated. My heart throbbed violently, +less with the hopes of triumph than with the anxiousness of duplicity, +and the dread of detection. I trembled; I breathed painfully; at every +noise I started, thinking it betokened the close of the conference, +which yet seemed endless. Again and again I approached the parlour door, +and as often retreated, fearing to spoil all by a premature +interruption. I was once more resolving to join my friend, when I heard +some one leave the house. I flew to a window, and saw Maitland walk +swiftly along the square, and disappear, without once looking back. This +seemed ominous; but as my friend did not come to make her report, I went +in search of her. + +I found her in an attitude of meditation; and though she instantly +advanced towards me with a smile, her countenance bore traces of +discomposure. 'Well, I protest,' cried she, 'there is no dealing with +these men without a little management.' + +This sounded somewhat like a boast; and, my spirits reviving, I enquired +'how her management had succeeded?' + +'You shall judge,' returned Miss Arnold. 'I will tell you all exactly +and candidly.' People seldom vouch for the candour of their narratives +when it is above suspicion. 'I could not be abrupt, you know,' proceeded +my _candid_ narrator; 'but I contrived to lead dexterously towards the +point; and, after smoothing my way a little just hinted a possibility +that Lord Frederick might succeed. Signor Maestoso took not the least +notice. Then I grew a little more explicit. Still without effect! He +only fixed his staring black eyes upon me, as if he would have looked +through me, to see what was my purpose in telling him all that. At last +I was obliged to say downrightly (Heaven forgive me for the fib!) that I +was afraid you might marry De Burgh at last, though I owned you had no +serious regard for him. All this while Don Pompous had been walking +about the room; but at this he stopped short, just opposite to me, and +asked me, with a frown as dark as a thunder cloud, "what reason I had to +say so?"--I--I declare, I was quite frightened.' + +Miss Arnold stopped, and seemed to hesitate. 'Well! Go on!' cried I +impatiently.--'You know,' continued she, 'I could not answer his +question in any other way, except by giving him some little instances of +your--your good understanding with De Burgh; but still I could extort no +answer from the impenetrable creature, except now and then a kind of +grunt.' + +'How tedious you are! Do proceed.' + +'At last, when I found nothing else would do, I--I was obliged to have +recourse to--to an expedient, which produced an immediate effect. And +now, Ellen, I am convinced that Maitland loves you to distraction!' + +'Indeed! What? How?' + +'Ah, Ellen! you have a thousand times more penetration than I. I would +give the world for your faculty of reading the heart.' + +'But, dear Juliet! how was it,--how did you discover----' + +'Why, when nothing else seemed likely to avail, I--I thought I might +venture to hint, just by way of a trifling instance of your intimacy +with Lord Frederick, that--that you had--had borrowed a small sum from +him.' + +'Good heaven, Juliet! did you tell Maitland this? Oh! he will despise me +for ever. Leave me,--treacherous,--you have undone me.' + +'Ellen, my dearest Ellen,' said my friend, caressing me with the most +humble affection, 'I own I was very wrong; but indeed--indeed, if you +had seen how he was affected, you would have been convinced, that +nothing else could have been so effectual. If you had seen how pale he +grew, and how he trembled, and gasped for breath! You never saw a man in +such agitation. Dear Ellen, forgive me! You know I could have no motive +except to serve you.' + +In spite of my vexation, I was not insensible to this statement, to +which my vanity gave full credit; though the slightest comparison of the +circumstances with the character of Maitland must have convinced me that +they were exaggerated. At length, curiosity so far prevailed over my +wrath, that I condescended to enquire what answer he had given to Miss +Arnold's information? Miss Arnold replied, that the first words which he +was able to utter, announced, that he must see me instantly. 'And why +then,' I asked, 'is he gone in such haste?' + +My friend made me repeat this question before she could hear it;--an +expedient which often serves those whose answer is not quite ready. +'Because he--he afterwards changed his mind, and said he would call upon +you in an hour.' + +Before the hour had elapsed, my resentment had yielded partly to my +friend's representations, partly to a new subject of alarm. I dreaded +lest, if Maitland considered my debt to Lord Frederick in so serious a +light, he might think it a duty of friendship to apprize my father of my +involvement; and, anxious to secure his secrecy, yet too proud to beg +it, I suffered him, at his return, to be admitted to my dressing-room, +although I had never before been so unwilling to encounter him. +Maitland, on his part, seemed little less embarrassed than myself. He +began to speak, but his words were inarticulate. He cleared his throat, +and seized my attention by a look full of meaning; and the effort ended +in some insignificant enquiry, to the answer of which he was evidently +insensible. At last, suddenly laying his hand upon my arm, 'Miss Percy,' +said he, 'pardon my abruptness,--I really can neither think nor talk of +trifles at this moment. Let me speak plainly to you. Allow me for once +the privilege of a friend. You cannot have one more sincere than myself; +nor,' added he with a deep sigh, 'one more disinterested.' + +'Well!' returned I, moved by the kindness of his voice and manner, and +willing to shake off my embarrassment; 'use the privilege generously, +and I don't care if, for once, I grant it you.' + +Maitland instantly, without compliment or apology, availed himself of my +concession. 'I presume,' said he, 'that Miss Arnold has acquainted you +with her very strange communication to me this morning.' I only bowed in +answer, and did not venture again to raise my head. 'Did she tell you, +too,' proceeded Maitland, in the tone of strong indignation, 'that she +meant to conceal from you this most unprovoked act of treachery, had I +not insisted upon warning you against a confidant who could betray your +secret,--and such a secret!' + +Abashed and humbled, conscious that since my friend had been partly +licensed by myself, she was less blamable than she appeared, yet unable, +without exposing myself still farther, to state what little could be +alleged in her vindication, I stammered out a few words; implying, that +perhaps Miss Arnold did not affix any importance to the secret. + +'The inferences she drew,' cried Maitland, 'leave no doubt, that she +thought it important; or, granting it were as you say, is the woman fit +to be a friend who could regard such a transaction as immaterial? Is +there any real friend to whom you could confide it without reluctance? I +need not ask if you have intrusted it to your father.' + +The tears of mortification and resentment which had been collected in my +eyes while Maitland spoke, burst from them when I attempted to answer. +But my wounded pride quickly came to my assistance. 'No, sir,' returned +I; 'but if you think your own reproofs insufficient you will of course +aid them with my father's.' + +Maitland could not resist the sight of my uneasiness. His countenance +expressed the most gentle compassion; and his voice softened even to +tenderness. 'And is the reproof of a father,' said he, 'more formidable +to you than all that your delicacy must suffer under obligation to a +confident admirer? Dearest Miss Percy, as a friend--a most attached, +most anxious friend--I beseech you to----' + +He stopped short, and coloured very deeply,--suddenly aware, I believe, +that he was speaking with a warmth which friendship seldom assumes; then +taking refuge in a double intrenchment of formality, he begged me to +pardon a freedom which he ascribed to his friendship for my father and +Miss Mortimer. In spite of my mortifying situation, my heart bounded +with triumph as I traced through this disguise the proofs of my power +over the affections of Maitland. Recovering my spirits, I told him +frankly, that I was determined to make no application to my father, +since a few weeks would enable me to escape from my difficulty without +the hazard of incensing him. Maitland looked distressed, but made no +further attempt to persuade me. 'This is what I feared,' said he; 'but I +am sensible that I have no right to urge you.' + +He was silent for some moments, and seemed labouring with something +which he knew not how to utter. A certain tremour began to steal over +me too, and expectation made my breath come short when I again heard +his voice. 'There may be an impropriety,' he began, but again he +stopped embarrassed. 'There may be objections against your--your +condescension to Lord Frederick, which do not apply to all your +acquaintance;--and--and I have taken the liberty to--to bring a few +hundred pounds in case you would do me the honour to----' The manly +brown of Maitland's cheek flushed with a warmer tint as he spoke; and +the eye which had so often awed my turbulent spirit, now sunk timidly +before mine; for he was conferring an obligation, and his generous +heart entered by sympathy into the situation of one compelled to accept +a pecuniary favour. But I was teazed and disappointed; for here was +nothing of the expected declaration; on the contrary, Maitland had +wilfully marked the difference between himself and a lover. + +He probably read vexation in my face, though he ascribed it to a wrong +cause. 'I see,' said he, in a tone of mortification, 'that this is a +degree of confidence which I must not expect. Perhaps you will suffer me +to mention the matter to Miss Mortimer--she I am sure will allow me to +be her banker for any sum you may require.' + +Shame on the heartless being who could see in this delicate kindness +only a triumph for the most despicable vanity! In vain did Maitland veil +his interest under the semblance of friendship. Seeing, and glorying to +see, that passion lurked under the disguise, I could not restrain my +impatience to force the mask away. I thanked Maitland, but told him that +the delay of a few weeks could be of little importance; adding, gaily, +that I fancied Lord Frederick was in no haste for payment; and would +prefer the right of a creditor over the liberty of his debtor. + +Maitland almost shuddered. 'Can you jest upon such a subject?' said he. +The expression of uneasiness which crossed his features only encouraged +me to proceed. 'No, really,' said I, with affected seriousness, 'I am +quite in earnest. One day or other I suppose I must give somebody a +right to me, and it may as well be Lord Frederick as another. Marriage +will be at best but a heartless business to me--Heigho!' + +'I hope it will be otherwise,' said Maitland, with a sigh not quite so +audible as mine, but a little more sincere. + +'No, no,' said I, sighing again, 'love is out of the question with me. +The creatures that dangle after me want either a toy upon which to throw +away their money, or money to throw away upon their toys. A heart would +be quite lost upon any of them. If, indeed, a man of sense and worth had +attached himself to me,--a man with sincerity enough to tell me my +faults,--with gentleness to do it kindly,--with--with something in his +character, perhaps in his manners, to secure respect,--he might +have--have found me not incapable of--of an animated--I mean of a--a +very respectful friendship.' + +I could not utter this last sentence without palpable emotion. Nature, +which had done much to unfit me for deliberate coquetry, faltered in my +voice; and stained my cheek with burning blushes. In the confusion which +I had brought upon myself, I should have utterly forgotten to watch the +success of my experiment, had not my attention been drawn by the tremor +of Maitland's hand. I ventured, thus encouraged, to steal a glance at +his countenance. + +His eye was fixed upon me with a keenness which seemed to search my very +soul. Deep glowing crimson flushed his face. It was only for a moment. +His colour instantly fading to more than its natural paleness, he almost +threw from him the hand which he had held. 'Oh, Ellen!' he cried in a +tone of bitter reproach, 'how can you! suspecting, as I see you do, the +power of your witchery over me, how can you!--Others might despise my +weakness--I myself despise it--but with you it should have been sacred!' + +Where is the spirit of prophecy which can foretell how that, which at a +distance seems desirable, will affect us when it meets our grasp? Who +could have believed that this avowal, so long expected, so eagerly +anticipated, should have been heard only with shame and mortification! +Far, indeed, from the elation of conquest were my feelings, while I +shrunk from the rebuke of him, whose displeasure had, with me, the power +of a reproving angel. Abashed and confounded, I did not even dare to +raise my eyes; whilst Maitland, retreating from me, stood for some +moments in thoughtful silence. Approaching me again, 'No,' said he, in a +low constrained voice, 'I cannot speak to you now. Give me a few minutes +to-morrow:--they shall be the last.' + +Before I could have articulated a word, had the universe depended upon +my utterance, Maitland was gone. + +As soon as my recollection returned, I stole, like a culprit, to my own +apartment, where, locking myself in, I fell into a reverie; in which +stifled self-reproach, resentment against Miss Arnold, and an undefined +dread of the consequences of Maitland's displeasure, were but faintly +relieved by complacency towards my own victorious charms. Maitland's +parting words rung in my ears; and though I endeavoured to persuade +myself that they were dictated by a resentment which could not resist +the slightest concession from me, they never recurred to my mind +unattended by some degree of alarm. I was determined, however, that no +consideration should tempt me to betray the cause of my sex, by humbling +myself before a proud lover; 'and, if he be resolved to break my chains, +let him do so,' said I, 'if he can.' I justly considered the loss of a +lover as no very grievous misfortune. Alas! I could not then estimate +the evil of losing such a friend as Maitland. + +The next morning he came early to claim his audience; not such as I had +seen him the evening before; but calm, self-possessed, and dignified. He +entered upon his subject with apparent effort; telling me that he was +come to give me, if I had the patience to receive it, the explanation to +which he conceived me entitled, after the inadvertencies which had at +different times betrayed his secret. Provoked by his composure, I +answered, that 'explanation was quite unnecessary, since I did not +apprehend that either his conduct or motives could at all affect me.' + +'Suffer me then,' said he, mildly, 'to explain them for my own sake, +that I may, if I can, escape the imputation of caprice.' I made some +light, silly reply; and, affecting the utmost indifference, took my +knotting and sat down. 'Have you no curiosity,' said Maitland, 'to know +how you won and how you have lost a heart that could have loved you +faithfully? Though my affections are of no value to you, you may one day +prize those which the same errors might alienate.' + +'That is not very likely, sir,' said I. 'I shall probably not approach +so near the last stage of celibacy as to catch my advantage of any +wandering fancy which may cross a man's mind.' + +'This was no wandering fancy,' said Maitland, with calm seriousness. +'You are the first woman I ever loved; and I shall retain the most +tender, the most peculiar interest in your welfare, long after what is +painful in my present feelings has passed away. But I must fly while I +can--before I lose the power to relinquish what I know it would be +misery to obtain.' + +'Oh, sir, I assure you that this is a misery I should spare you,' cried +I; my heart swelling with impatience at a style of profession, for it +cannot be called courtship, to which I was so little accustomed. + +'Now this is childish,' said Maitland. 'Are you angry at having escaped +being teazed with useless importunity? If you would have me feel all the +pang of leaving you, call back the candour and sweetness that first +bewitched me. For it was not your beauty, Ellen. I had seen you more +than once ere I observed that you were beautiful, and twenty times ere +I felt it. It was your playful simplicity, your want of all design, your +perfect transparency of mind, that won upon me before I was aware; and +when I was weary of toil and sick of the heartlessness and duplicity of +mankind, I turned to you, and thought--, it matters not what.' + +Maitland paused, but I was in no humour to break the silence. My anger +gave place to a more gentle feeling. I felt that I had possessed, that I +had lost, the approbation of Maitland, and the tears were rising to my +eyes; but the fear that he should ascribe them to regret for the loss of +his stoic-love, forced them back to the proud heart. + +'Yet,' continued Maitland, 'I perceived, pardon my plainness, that your +habits and inclinations were such as must be fatal to every plan of +domestic comfort; and at four-and-thirty a man begins to foresee, that, +after the raptures of the lover are past, the husband has a long life +before him; in which he must either share his joys and his sorrows with +a friend, or exact the submission of an inferior. To be a restraint upon +your pleasure is what I could not endure; yet otherwise they must have +interfered with every pursuit of my life,--nay, must every hour have +shocked my perceptions of right and wrong. Nor is this all,' continued +Maitland, guiding my comprehension by the increased solemnity of his +manner. 'Who that seeks a friend would choose one who would consider his +employments as irksome, his pleasures as fantastic, his hopes as a +dream?--one who would regard the object of his supreme desire as men do +a fearful vision, visiting them unwelcome in their hours of darkness, +but slighted or forgotten in every happier season? No, Ellen! the wife +of a Christian must be more than the toy of his leisure;--she must be +his fellow-labourer, his fellow-worshipper.' + +'Very well, sir!' interrupted I, my spirit of impatience again beginning +to stir. 'Enough of my disqualifications for an office which I really +have no ambition to fill.' + +'I believe you, Miss Percy,' returned Maitland, 'and that belief is all +that reconciles me to my sacrifice;--therefore beware how you weaken it +by these affected airs of scorn. I assure you, they were not necessary +to convince me that you are not to be won unsought. It was this +conviction which made me follow you even when I saw my danger. I +flattered myself that I might be useful to you,--or rather, perhaps, +this was the only device by which I could excuse my weakness to myself. +In a vain trust in the humility of a woman, and a trust yet more vain in +the prudence of a lover, I purposed to conceal my feelings till they +should be lost amidst the cares of a busy life. Your penetration, or my +own imprudence, has defeated that purpose, just as I begin to perceive +that you are too powerful for cares and business. Nothing, then, remains +but to fly whilst I have the power. In a fortnight hence, I shall sail +for the West Indies.' + +I started, as if a dart had pierced me. The utmost which I had +apprehended from Maitland's threats of desertion, was, that he should +withdraw from our family circle. 'For the West Indies!' I faintly +repeated. + +'Yes. It happens not unfortunately that I have business there. But I +have dwelt too long upon myself and my concerns. Since I must "cut off +the right hand," better the stroke were past. I have only one request to +make,--one earnest request, and then----' He paused. I would have asked +the nature of his request, but a rising in my throat threatened to +betray me, and I only ventured an enquiring look. Maitland took my hand: +and the demon of coquetry was now so entirely laid, that I suffered him +to retain it, without a struggle. 'Dear, ever dear Ellen,' said he, +'many an anxious thought will turn to you when we are far +asunder,--repay me for them all, by granting one petition. It is, that +you will confide your difficulties, whatever they be, to Miss Mortimer; +and, when you do so, give her this packet.' + +'No, no,' interrupted I, with quickness. 'The sum I owe Lord Frederick +is a trifle compared to what you suppose it. It was the price of a +bauble,--a vile bauble. It was no secret,--hundreds saw it,--accident, +mere accident made me----' + +Shocked at the emotion I was betraying, and in horror lest Maitland +should impute it to a humbling cause, I suddenly changed my manner; +haughtily declaring that I would neither distress my friend in her +illness nor incur any new obligation. Maitland modestly endeavoured to +shake my determination; but, finding me resolute, he rose to be gone. +'Farewell, Ellen,' said he,--'every blessing----,' the rest could not +reach my ear, but while I have being, I shall remember his look as he +turned from me. It was anguish, rendered more touching by a faint +struggle for a smile, that came like a watery beam upon the troubled +deep, making the sadness more dreary. I turned to a window, and watched +till he disappeared. + +I have lived to be deserted by all mankind,--to wander houseless in a +land of strangers,--to gaze upon the crowds of an unknown city, assured +that I should see no friend,--to be secluded, as in a living grave, from +human intelligence and human sympathy; but never did I feel so +desolately alone, as when I turned to the chamber where Maitland had +been and felt that he was gone. Miss Mortimer's words flashed on my +mind. 'The good and the wise will one by one forsake you.'--'They have +forsaken me! all forsaken me!' I cried, as, throwing myself upon the +ground, I rested my head upon the seat which Maitland had left, hid my +face in my arm, and wept. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + _In a dull stream, which moving slow, + You hardly see the current flow, + When a small breeze obstructs the course, + It whirls about for want of force; + And in its narrow circle, gathers + Nothing but chaff, and straw, and feathers. + The current of a female mind + Stops thus, and turns with every wind. + Thus whirling round, together draws, + Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws._ + + Swift. + + +I imagine that such of my readers as are still in their teens, and of +course expect to find Cupid in ambush at every corner, will now smile +sagaciously, and pronounce, 'that poor Ellen was certainly in love.' If +so, I must unequivocally assert, that, in this instance, their +penetration has failed them. Maitland had piqued my vanity, he had of +late interested my curiosity; his conversation often amused me, and the +more I was accustomed to it, the more it pleased. It is said, that they +who have been restored to sight, find pleasure in the mere exercise of +their newly regained faculty, without reference to its usefulness, or +even to the beauty of the objects they behold; so I, without a thought +of improving by Maitland's conversation, and with feeble perceptions of +its excellence, was pleased to find in it occupation for faculties, +which, but for him, might have slumbered inactive. I had a sort of +filial confidence in his good will, and a respect approaching to +reverence for his abilities and character. But this was all; for amidst +all my follies, I had escaped that susceptibility which makes so many +young women idle, and so many old ones ridiculous. + +Lest, however, my assertion seem liable to the suspicion which attaches +to the declarations of the accused, I shall mention an irrefragable +proof of its truth. In less than twelve hours after Maitland had taken +his final leave, I was engaged in an animated flirtation with Lord +Frederick de Burgh. It is true, that for some days I used to start when +the knocker sounded at the usual hour of Maitland's visit, and to hear +with a vague sensation of disappointment some less familiar step +approach. It is true, that I loved not to see his seat occupied by +others, and that I never again looked towards the spot where he finally +disappeared from my sight, without feeling its association with +something painful. But I suppose it may be laid down as a maxim, that no +woman who is seriously attached to one man, will trifle, _con spirito_, +with another; and my flirtations with Lord Frederick were not only +continued, but soon began to threaten a decisive termination. + +In spite of my father's remonstrance, Lord Frederick's daily visits were +continued; for how could I interdict them after his Lordship had said, +nay sworn, that I must admit him, or make London a desert to him? We +also met often at the house of Lady St Edmunds, where, after Maitland's +departure, I became a more frequent guest than ever. Placable as Miss +Arnold had hitherto found me, I could not immediately forgive her +discovery to Maitland; for, willing to throw from myself the blame of +losing him, I more than half ascribed his desertion to her interference. +In resentment against one favourite, I betook myself with more ardour to +the other; with whom I spent many an hour, more pleasant, it must be +owned, than profitable. + +Lady St Edmunds had a boudoir to which only her most select associates +were admitted. Nothing which taste could approve was wanting to its +decoration,--nothing which sense desires could be added to its luxury. +The walls glowed with the sultry scenes of Claude, and the luxuriant +designs of Titian. The daylight stole mellowed on the eye through a +bower of flowering orange trees and myrtles; or alabaster lamps +imitated the softness of moonshine. Airy Grecian couches lent grace to +the forms which rested on them; and rose-coloured draperies shed on +the cheek a becoming bloom. No cumbrous footmen were permitted to +invade this retreat of luxury. Their office was here supplied by a +fairy-footed smiling girl, whose figure and attire partook the +elegance of all around. Had books been needful to kill the time, here +were abundance well suited to their place; not works of puzzling +science or dull morality; but modern plays, novels enriched with +slanderous tales or caricatures of living characters, and fashionable +sonnets, guarded to the ear of decency, but deadly to her spirit. In +this temple of effeminacy, Lady St Edmunds and I generally passed our +morning hours, and it usually happened that Lord Frederick joined the +party. Here I often called forth my musical powers to delight my +companions, soothed in my turn by the yet sweeter sounds of flattery +and love. The easy manners of my hostess banished all restraint. The +timidity which had at first admired without venturing to copy, fled +before her neat raillery and free example; and high spirits, +encouragement, and inconsiderateness, often led me to the utmost +limits of discretion. + +In such a scene, with such associates, can it be wondered, that I forgot +the manly sense, the hardy virtues of Maitland? No longer counteracted +by his ascendency, or checked by the warnings of Miss Mortimer, Lady St +Edmunds' influence increased every day, and strengthened into an +affection which utterly blinded me to every impropriety in her conduct +and sentiments;--an awful influence, which almost every girl of +seventeen allows more or less to some favourite. Happy the daughter who +finds that favourite where nature has secured to her a real +friend;--happy the mother who gains support for her authority in the +enthusiastic attachments of youth! + +As Lady St Edmunds was no restraint upon me, her presence in our coterie +was rather advantageous to Lord Frederick, banishing the reserve of a +_tete-a-tete_, and allowing him constantly to offer gallantries too +indirect to provoke repulse, yet too pointed to be overlooked. Indeed, +such attentions from him were now become so habitual to me, that I +accepted of them as things of course, without consideration either of +motive or consequence. They amused and flattered me; and amusement and +flattery were the sum of my desires. + +Things were in this train, when, one morning, the usual party being met +in the boudoir, Lady St Edmunds was called away to receive a visiter. +She went without ceremony; for she never reminded me of our difference +of rank, by any of those correct formalities by which the great are +accustomed to distance their inferiors. She gaily enjoined Lord +Frederick to entertain me; and he accepted of the office with a look +which prompted me, I know not why, to move hastily towards a harp, on +which I struck some chords. Lord Frederick stopped me; addressing me so +much more seriously than he had ever done before, that, in my surprise, +I suffered him to proceed without interruption. In the warmest phrase of +passion he besought me to tell him how long I meant to continue his +lingering probation; and protested, that he was no longer able to endure +my delays. The presumptuousness of this language was softened by tones +and gestures so humble, that I found it impossible to be angry! but I +was not a little confounded at a security which I had been far from +intending to authorise. Recovering myself as well as I was able, I +affected to receive his protestations in jest, telling him his +gallantries were now so hackneyed, that I had already exhausted all my +wit in replying to them; and that if he wished to find me at all +entertaining, he must positively call a new subject. + +His Lordship abated nothing of his solemnity. He fell upon his knees, +conjured me to be serious, and talked of as many cruelties, racks, and +tortures, as would have furnished the dungeons of the Inquisition; yet +still the drift of his rhetoric seemed to be only this, that he had now +been for a very competent time the martyr of my charms, and therefore +was entitled to claim his reward. + +Though somewhat alarmed, I still tried to laugh off the attack; telling +him that he had changed his manner much to the worse, since gravity in +him seemed the most preposterous thing in nature. 'Was it possible,' +Lord Frederick enquired with a tragedy exclamation, 'that I could thus +punish him for a disguise of gaiety which he had assumed only to mislead +indifferent eyes, but which he was certain had never deceived my +penetration?' And then he boldly appealed to my candour, 'whether I had +ever for a moment misunderstood him?' Too much startled and confounded +to persevere in my levity, I replied in the words of simple truth, 'that +I had never bestowed any consideration upon his meaning, since my father +had settled the matter.' + +Lord Frederick poured forth all the established forms of abuse against +parental authority; execrating, in a most lover-like manner, the idea of +subjecting the affections to its control, and protesting his belief that +I had too much spirit to sacrifice him to such tyranny. Piqued at my +lover's implied security, I answered, 'that I had no inclination to +resist my father's will; and that so long as he did not require me to +marry any man who was particularly disagreeable to me, I should very +willingly leave a negative in his power.' Lord Frederick struck his hand +upon his forehead, and raised his handkerchief to his eyes, as if to +conceal extreme agitation. 'Cruel, cruel, Miss Percy!' he cried, 'if +such are, indeed, your sentiments,--if you are, indeed, determined to +submit to the decision of your inhuman father, why--why did you, with +such barbarous kindness, restore the hopes which he had destroyed? Why +did you, in this very room, allow me to hope that you would reward my +faithful love,--that you would fly with me to that happy land where +marriage is still free!' + +My masquerade folly thus recalled to my recollection, the blood rushed +tumultuously to my face and bosom. Unable to repel the charge, and +terrified by this glimpse of the shackles which my imprudence had forged +for me, I stammered out, that, 'whatever I might have said in a +thoughtless moment, I was sure that no friend of Lord Frederick's or +mine would advise either of us to so rash a step.' + +'No friend of mine,' returned Lord Frederick, using the gestures of +drying his fine blue eyes, 'shall ever again be consulted. Could I have +foreseen your cruel treatment, never would I have put it in the power, +even of my nearest relative, to injure you by publishing the hopes you +had given.' + +The hint, conveyed in these words, was not lost upon me. I concluded, +that Lord Frederick had thought himself authorised to talk of the +encouragement he had received. Our sense of impropriety is rarely so +just as to gain nothing from anticipating the judgment of our +fellow-creatures; and the levity which I had practised as an innocent +trifling, took a very different form, when I saw it by sympathy, in the +light in which it might soon be seen by hundreds. The folly into which I +had been seduced by malice, vanity, and the love of amusement, would +stand charactered in the world's sentence, as unjustifiable coquetry. +Viewed in its consequences, as ruinous to the peace of a heart that +loved me, I myself scarcely bestowed upon it a gentler name. + +Confused, perplexed, and distressed, not daring to meet the eye of the +man whom I had injured, I sat looking wistfully towards the door, more +eager to escape from my present embarrassment than able to provide +against the future. Lord Frederick instantly saw his advantage. 'I have +wronged you, my heavenly Ellen,' he cried, throwing himself in rapture +at my feet. 'I see that, upon reflection, you will yet allow my claim. +How could I suspect my dear, generous Miss Percy of trifling with the +fondest passion that ever warmed a human breast!' + +I involuntarily recoiled, for I had never been less tenderly disposed +towards Lord Frederick than at that moment. 'Really, my Lord,' I said, +'even if I could return all this enthusiasm, which indeed I cannot, I +should give a poor specimen of my generosity by consenting to involve +you in the difficulties which might be the consequence of disobliging my +father.' + +Lord Frederick cursed wealth in the most disinterested manner +imaginable,--swore that 'the possession of his adorable Ellen was all he +asked of Heaven,'--and fervently wished, that 'the splendour of his +fortune, and the humbleness of mine, had given him an opportunity of +proving how lightly he prized the dross when put in balance with my +charms.' Though the loftiness of this style was too incongruous with +Lord Frederick's general manner to excite no surprise, I must own, that +it awakened not one doubt of his sincerity,--for what will not vanity +believe? The more credit I gave his generosity, the more did I feel the +injustice of my past conduct, yet the more painful it became to enter +upon explanation; and I was not yet practised enough in coquetry to +suppress the embarrassment which faltered on my tongue, as I told Lord +Frederick, that 'I was sorry--very sorry, and much astonished; and that +I had never suspected him of allowing such a romantic fancy to take +possession of his mind; that my father's determination must excuse me to +his Lordship and to the world, for refusing to sanction his hopes.' + +Lord Frederick, in answer, vehemently averred, that his hopes had no +connection with my father's decision, since, after that decision, he had +been permitted to express his passion without repulse. He recalled +several thoughtless concessions which I had forgotten as soon as made. +Without formal detail, he dexterously contrived to remind me of the ring +which I had allowed him to keep; and of the clandestine correspondence +which I had begun from folly, and continued from weakness. He again +referred to my half consent at the masquerade. Finally, he once more +appealed to myself, whether, all these circumstances considered, his +hopes deserved to be called presumptuous. + +During this almost unanswerable appeal, I had instinctively moved +towards the door; but Lord Frederick placed himself so as to intercept +my escape. Terrified, and revolting from the bonds which awaited me, yet +conscious that I had virtually surrendered my freedom,--eager to escape +from an engagement which yet I had not the courage to break,--I began a +hesitating, incoherent reply; but I felt like one who is roused from the +oppression of nightmare, when it was interrupted by the entrance of +Lady St Edmunds. I almost embraced my friend in my gratitude for this +fortunate deliverance; but I was too much disconcerted to prolong my +visit; and, taking a hasty leave, I returned home. + +I had so long been accustomed to find relief from every difficulty in +the superior ingenuity of Miss Arnold, that my late resentment, which +had already begun to evaporate, entirely gave way to my habitual +dependence upon her counsels. Not that I, at the time, acknowledged this +motive to myself. Far from it. I placed my renewed confidence solely to +the credit of a generous placability of nature; for when any action of +mine claimed kindred with virtue, I could not afford to enquire too +seriously into its real parentage. However, I took an early opportunity +of acquainting Juliet with my dilemma. But my friend's readiness of +resource appeared now to have forsaken her. She protested that 'no +surprise could exceed hers; that she had never suspected Lord Frederick +of carrying the matter so far.' She feared 'that, however unjustly, he +might consider himself as aggrieved by a sudden rupture of our intimacy; +hinted how much the affair might be misrepresented by the industrious +malice of Lady Maria; and lamented that, on such occasions, a censorious +world was but too apt to take part with the accuser. But then, to be +sure, every thing must be ventured rather than disobey my father: she +would be the last person to advise me to a breach of duty, though she +had little doubt that it would be speedily forgiven.' + +In short, all my skill in cross-examination was insufficient to discover +whether Miss Arnold thought I should dismiss Lord Frederick, or fly with +him to Scotland; or, taking that middle course so inviting to those who +waver between the right and the convenient, endeavour to keep him in +suspense till circumstances should guide my decision. Like a prudent +counsellor, she gave no direct advice, except that which alone she was +certain would be followed: she entreated me to hear the opinion of Lady +St Edmunds, and then to judge for myself. + +The opinion of Lady St Edmunds was much more explicitly given. She +insisted that an overstrained delicacy made me trifle with the man whom +I really preferred. She laughed at my denials; asserting that it was +impossible I could be such a little actress as to have deceived all my +acquaintance, not one of whom entertained a doubt of my partiality for +Lord Frederick. One exception to this position I remembered with a sigh; +but he who best could have read my heart, and most wisely guided it, +was already far on his way to another hemisphere. In vain did I protest +my indifference towards all mankind. Lady St Edmunds, kissing my cheek, +told me she would save my blushes, by guessing for me what I had not yet +confessed to myself. + +'Well!' cried I, a little impatiently, 'if I am in love with Lord +Frederick, I am sure I don't wish to marry him. I cannot be mistaken +upon that point. Some time ago, I should not much have cared; but now, +_indeed_ I would rather not.' + +'Why should you be more reluctant now than formerly,' enquired Lady St +Edmunds, looking me intently in the face, 'unless you have begun to +prefer another?' + +'Oh, not at all,' answered I, with great simplicity; 'I prefer nobody in +particular. But of late I have sometimes thought that, if I must marry, +I would have a husband whom I could respect,--whom all the world +respect; one who could enlighten and convince, ay, and awe other men; +one who need only raise his hand to silence an assembled nation; one +whose very glance----' + +I stopped, and the glow which warmed my cheek deepened with an altered +feeling; for a smile began to play upon the lip of Lady St Edmunds, and +where is the enthusiasm that shrinks not from a smile? My friend, +laughing, asked which of the heroes of romance I chose to have revived +for my mate. 'But,' added she, shaking her head, 'when Oroondates makes +his appearance, we must not let Frederick tell tales; for constancy and +generosity were indispensable to a heroine in his time.' + +Seeing me look disconcerted, she paused; then throwing her white arm +round my neck, 'My dearest Ellen,' said she, 'let me candidly own that +your treatment of poor De Burgh is not quite what I should have expected +from you. But,' continued she, with a tender sigh, 'had you been all +that my partiality expected, you must have become too--too dear to me! +You would have wiled my heart away from all living beings.' + +'Dear Lady St Edmunds,' cried I, clasping her to my breast, 'tell me +what you expect from me now, and trust me I will never disappoint you.' + +'My charming girl!' exclaimed Lady St Edmunds, 'far be it from me to +dictate to you. Let your own excellent heart and understanding be your +counsellors.' + +'Indeed,' returned I, 'it would be an act of real charity to decide for +me. I am so terribly bewildered. I would not for the world act basely to +Lord Frederick; and I rather think that before he began to teaze me +about marrying him, I liked him better than any body--that is than any +man--almost. But then when I think of my father--and I love him so +dearly, and he has no other child--no one to love him but only me! +Indeed I cannot bear to thwart him.' + +'My dear Ellen,' said Lady St Edmunds, 'I believe your father to be a +very worthy old gentleman, and I have a great respect for him; but, +indeed, his cause could not be committed to worse hands than mine; for I +can see no earthly business that he has to interfere in the matter. It +is not he who is to be married. For my own part, I married in very spite +of my father; and if I live till my children are marriageable, I shall +assuredly be reasonable enough to let them be happy in their own way.' + +For a while, I defended the parental right, or rather the natural +sentiment which still remained to restrain my folly;--but the proper +foundation of filial duty, of all duty, was wanting in my mind, and +therefore the superstructure was unstable as the vapour curling before +the breeze. Even my good propensities had not the healthy nature of real +virtue. They were at best but the fevered flush adorning my sickly state +in the eyes of others, and fatally disguising it from my own. By +frequent argument, by occasional reflections, and by dexterous +confounding of truth and falsehood, Lady St Edmunds so far darkened my +moral perceptions, that Lord Frederick's claim seemed to outweigh that +of my father. Nor was the task hard; for honour and humanity are sounds +more soothing to human pride than the harsh name of submission. + +Lord Frederick himself meanwhile watched vigilantly over his own +interests, and was abundantly importunate and encroaching. Miss Arnold, +indeed, continued to affect prudent counsels; but while she offered me +such feeble dissuasives as rather served to excite than to deter, she +procured or invented intelligence, which, with every expression of +indignation, she communicated to me, that Lady Maria had so far +misrepresented my indiscretion at the masquerade, as to make my marriage +with Lord Frederick a matter of prudence at least, if not of necessity. + +Thus goaded on every side, without steadiness to estimate the real +extent of my difficulties, or resolution to break through them, having +no special dislike to Lord Frederick, nor any conscious preference for +another, I sanctioned in weakness the claims which I had conferred in +folly. I gave my lover permission to believe that I would soon reward +his constancy; if it can be called reward to obtain a wife, whose +violation of her early ties gives the strongest pledge that she will +disregard those which are new. + +Still a lingering reluctance, the constitution of my sex, and the +expiring struggles of duty, made me defer, from time to time, the +performance of my engagement. But I was hurried at last into its +fulfilment, by one of those casualties which are allowed to decide the +most important concerns of the thoughtless and unprincipled. My father +one day surprised Lord Frederick at my feet; and, glad perhaps of an +opportunity to mark his contempt for the artificial distinctions of +society, as well as justly indignant at the disregard shown to his +injunctions, he dismissed my lover from the house, in terms more decided +than courtly. + +As my father had four stout footmen to enforce his commands, his +Lordship had no choice but acquiescence. He therefore retired; and my +father, raising his foot to the panel of the room door, shut it with a +force that made the house shake. His sense of dignity for once giving +way to indignation, my father, instead of taking his well-known posture +of exhortation with his back to the fire, walked up to me, and strongly +grasping my hand, exclaimed, 'What the d--l do you mean, Ellen Percy? +Did not I tell you, I wouldn't have this puppy of a lord coming here a +fortune-hunting? Don't I know the kidney of you all; Don't I know, that +if you let a fellow chatter nonsense to you long enough, he is sure of +you at last?--Look you, Ellen Percy, let me have no more of this. I can +give you three hundred thousand pounds, and I have a scheme in my head +that may make it twice as much;--and I'll have your eldest son called +John Percy, ay, and his son after him; and you shall marry no proud, +saucy, aristocratical beggar, to look down upon the man who was the +making of him; d----n me, if you do, Ellen Percy.' Then throwing my arm +from him, with a vehemence that made me stagger, he quitted the room. + +Even in minds far better regulated than mine, violence is more likely to +produce resentment than submission. My surprise quickly gave place to +indignation. The unceremonious expulsion of my visiter seemed nothing +short of an insult. To place me at the head of a family into which I +must admit no guest without permission, was treating me like a baby!--a +disgrace scarcely endurable to those who are still a little doubtful of +their right to be treated like women. + +I earnestly recommend to all ladies who see cause of offence against +their rightful governors (an accident which will sometimes happen, +notwithstanding the universal meekness of ladies, and the well-known +moderation of gentlemen,) never to indulge in meditations upon past +injury, much less to exercise their prophetic eye upon future +aggression. Ill-humour gives contingent evils such a marvellous +appearance of certainty, that we seldom think it unjust to punish them +as if already committed. + +No inference should have been drawn from my father's hasty words, except +that, being spoken in anger, they could not convey his permanent +sentiments; but I pondered them until I discovered that they clearly +foretold my being sacrificed to some ugly, old, vulgar, ignorant, gouty, +purse-proud, blinking-eyed, bandy-legged, stock-jobbing animal, with a +snuff-coloured coat, a brown wig, and a pen behind his ear. No wonder if +the assured prospect of such outrage redoubled mine ire! + +But it had not yet reached its consummation. At dinner, Miss Arnold +happened to mention a public breakfast, to which Lady B---- had invited +us for the following morning. My father, who was far from affecting +privacy in his injunctions or reproofs, informed me, without +circumlocution, that I should go neither to Lady B----'s nor any where +else, till I gave him my word of honour that I would have no intercourse +with Lord Frederick de Burgh. 'I must stay at home, then,' said I, with +an air of surly resolution; 'for there is to be a ball after the +breakfast, and I have promised to dance with Lord Frederick.' + +'Eat your breakfast at home then, Miss Percy,' said my father; 'and no +fear but you shall have as good a one as any Lady B---- in the land.' + +Great was my disappointment at this sentence; for I had procured for the +occasion a dress upon which Lady Maria de Burgh had fixed her heart, +when there was no longer time to make another robe with similar +embroidery. But my wrath scorned to offer entreaty or compromise; and, +leaving the table, I retreated to my chamber, seeking sullen comfort in +the thought that I might soon emancipate myself from thraldom. In the +course of the evening, however, Miss Arnold, whose influence with my +father had of late increased surprizingly, found means to obtain a +mitigation of his sentence; but the good humour which might have been +restored by this concession, was banished by an angry command to refrain +from all such engagements with Lord Frederick for the future. + +The next morning, while we were at breakfast (for a public breakfast by +no means supersedes the necessity of a private one) my father received a +letter, which he read with visible discomposure; and, hastily quitting +his unfinished meal, immediately left the house. I was somewhat startled +by his manner, and Miss Arnold appeared to sympathise still more deeply +in his uneasiness; but the hour of dressing approached, and, in that +momentous concern, I forgot my father's disquiet. + +The fete passed as fetes are wont to do. Every one wore the face of +pleasure, and a few were really pleased. The dancing began, and I joined +in it with Lord Frederick. Among the spectators who crowded round the +dancers, were Lady Maria de Burgh and her silly Strephon, Lord +Glendower. I at first imagined that she declined dancing, because the +lady who was first in the set was one of whom she might have found it +difficult to obtain precedence; but, just as it was my turn to begin, +she advanced and took her station above me. Provoked by an impertinence +which I ought to have despised, I remonstrated against this breach of +ball-room laws. Lady Maria answered, with a haughty smile, that she +rather conceived she had a right to dance before me. In vain did Lord +Frederick interfere. In vain did I angrily represent, that the right +claimed by her Ladyship ceased after the dance was begun. How could Lady +Maria yield while the disputed dress was full in her eye? At last, +seeing that the dance was suspended by our dispute, I proposed to those +who stood below me, that, rather than allow such an infringement of our +privileges, we should sit down. They, however, had no inclination to +punish themselves for the ill-breeding of another; and I, scorning to +yield, indignantly retired alone. + +Lord Frederick followed me, as usual; and--but why should I dwell upon +my folly? Remaining displeasure against my father, a desire to have +revenge and precedence of Lady Maria, overcame for an hour my reluctance +to the fulfilment of my ill-starred engagement; and in that hour, Lord +Frederick had obtained my consent to set out with him the very next +morning for Scotland. Such are the amiable motives that sometimes enter +into what is called a love match! + +To prevent suspicion, and by that means to delay pursuit, it was agreed, +that Lady St Edmunds should be made acquainted with our design; that she +should call for me early, and convey me in her carriage to Barnet, where +she was to resign me to the guardianship of my future lord. Miss Arnold +I determined not to trust; because she had of late been accustomed to +beg, with a very moral shake of the head, that I would never confide an +intended elopement to her, lest she should feel it a duty to acquaint my +father with my purpose. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + _Fair laughs the morn, and soft the zephyr blows, + While, proudly riding o'er the azure realm, + In gallant trim the gilded vessel goes, + Youth on the prow, and pleasure at the helm; + Regardless of the sweeping whirlwind's sway, + That, hush'd in grim repose, expects his evening prey._ + + Gray. + + +No sooner had I acquiesced in the arrangements for that event which was +to seal my destiny, than a confused feeling of regret came upon me. An +oppression stole upon my spirits. The sounds of flattery and +protestation I heard like a drowsy murmur, reaching the ear without +impressing the mind; and the gay forms of my companions flitted before +me like their fellow-moths in the sun-beam, which the eye pursues, but +not the thoughts. Yet I had not resolution to quit the scene, which had +lost its charms for me. To think of meeting my father's eye; or being +left to meditate alone in a home which I was so soon to desert; of +seeing the objects which had been familiar to my childhood wear the +dreary aspect of that which we look upon perhaps for the last time, +might have appalled one far better enured than I to dare the assaults of +pain. But at last even the haunts of dissipation were forsaken by the +throng, and I had no choice but to go. + +Late in the night, silently, with the stealthy pace of guilt, I +re-entered that threshold which, till now, I had never trod but with the +first step of confidence. With breath suppressed, with the half reverted +eye of fear, I passed my father's chamber; as superstition passes the +haunt of departed spirits. In profound silence I suffered my attendant +to do her office; then threw myself upon my bed, with an eager but +fruitless wish to escape the tumult of my thoughts in forgetfulness. + +Sleep, however, came not at my bidding. Yet, watchful as I was, I might +rather be said to dream than to think. A well ordered mind can dare to +confront difficulty,--can choose whether patience shall endure, or +prudence mitigate, or resolution overcome, the threatened evil. But when +was this vigorous frame of soul gained in the lap of self-indulgence? +When was the giant foiled by him who is accustomed to shrink even from +shadows? The dread of my father's displeasure,--an undefined reluctance +to the connection I was forming,--these, and a thousand other feelings +which crowded on my mind, were met with the plea, that no choice now +remained to me; the stale resort of those who are averse from their +fate, but more averse from the exertion which might overcome it. The +upbraidings of conscience, I answered with the supposed claims of +honour; silencing the inward voice, which might have told me, how +culpable was that levity which had set justice and filial duty at +unnatural variance. Considerate review of the past, rational plan for +the future, had no more place in my thoughts, than in the fevered fancy +that sees on every side a thousand unsightly shapes, which, ere it can +define one of them, have given place to a thousand more. At last this +turmoil yielded to mere bodily exhaustion; and my distressful musings +were interrupted by short slumbers, from which I started midway in my +fall from the precipice, or chilled with struggling in the flood. + +I rose long before my usual hour, and sought relief from inaction in +preparations for my ill-omened journey. After selecting and packing up +some necessary articles of dress, I sat down to write a few lines to be +delivered to my father after my departure. But I found it impossible to +express my feelings, yet disguise my purpose; and having written nearly +twenty billets, and destroyed them all, I determined to defer asking +forgiveness till I had consummated my offence. + +The hour of breakfast, which my father always insisted upon having +punctually observed, was past before I could summon courage to enter the +parlour. I approached the door; then, losing resolution, retired;--drew +near again, and listened whether my father's voice sounded from within. +All was still, and I ventured to proceed, ashamed that a servant, who +stood near, should witness my hesitation. I cast a timid glance towards +my father's accustomed seat; it was vacant, and I drew a deep breath, as +if a mountain had been lifted from my breast. 'Where is Mr Percy?' I +enquired. 'He went out early, ma'am,' answered the servant, 'and said he +should not breakfast at home.' Miss Arnold and I sat down to a silent +and melancholy meal. I could neither speak of the subject which weighed +upon my heart, nor force my attention to any other theme. + +And now a new distress assailed me. While I had every moment expected +the presence of an injured parent, dread of that presence was all +powerful. But now when that expectation was withdrawn, my soul recoiled +from tearing asunder the bonds of affection, ere they were loosened by +one parting word,--one look of farewell. I remembered, that our last +intercourse had been chilled by mutual displeasure, and could I go +without uttering one kindly expression?--without striving to win one +little endearment which I might treasure in my heart, as perhaps a last +relic of a father's love? I quitted my scarcely tasted meal, to watch at +a window for his coming. My eye accidentally rested on the spot where +Maitland had disappeared, and another shade was added to the dark colour +of my thoughts. 'He will never know,' thought I, 'how deeply my honour +is pledged; and what will he think of me, when he hears that I have left +my father?--left him without even one farewell! No! this I will not do.' + +The resolution was scarcely formed, when I saw Lady St Edmunds' carriage +drive rapidly up to the door. I hastened to receive her; and drawing her +apart, informed her of my father's absence, and besought her, either to +send or go, and excuse me to Lord Frederick for this one day at least. +Lady St Edmunds expostulated against this instance of caprice. She +represented my father's absence as a favourable circumstance tending to +save me the pain of suppressing, and the danger of betraying my +feelings. She protested, that she would never be accessory to inflicting +so cruel a disappointment upon a lover of Lord Frederick's passionate +temperament. She remonstrated so warmly against the barbarity of such a +breach of promise, and expressed such apprehension of its consequences, +that, in the blindness of vanity, I suffered myself to imagine it more +inhuman to destroy an expectation of yesterday, than to blight the hopes +of seventeen years. Lady St Edmunds immediately followed up her victory, +and hurried me away. + +I sought the companion of my early day, and hastily took such an +ambiguous farewell as my fatal secret would allow. 'Juliet,' said I, +wringing her hand, 'I must leave you for a while. If my father miss me, +you must supply my place. I charge you, dearest Juliet, if you have any +regard for me, show him such kindness as--as I ought to have done.' My +strange expressions,--my faltering voice,--my strong emotion, could not +escape the observation of Miss Arnold; but she was determined not to +discover a secret which it was against her interest to know. With an air +of the most unconscious carelessness, she dropped the hand which +lingered in her hold; and not a shade crossed the last smile that ever +she bestowed upon the friend of her youth. + +A dark mist spread before my eyes, as I quitted the dwelling of my +father; and ere I was again sensible to the objects which surrounded me, +all that had been familiar to my sight were left far behind. Lady St +Edmunds cheered my failing spirits,--she soothed me with the words of +kindness,--pressed me to become her guest immediately on my return from +Scotland,--and to call her house my home, until my reconciliation with +my father; a reconciliation of which she spoke as of no uncertain event. +She interested me by lively characters of my new connections, pointing +out, with great acuteness, my probable avenues to the favour of each, +although it appeared that she herself had missed the way. Her +conversation had its usual effect upon me; and, by the time we reached +Barnet, my elastic spirits had in part risen from their depression. Yet, +when we stopped at the inn-door, something in the nature of woman made +me shrink from the expected sight of my bridegroom; and I drew back into +the corner of the carriage, while Lady St Edmunds alighted. But the +flush of modesty deepened to that of anger, when I perceived that my +lover was not waiting to welcome his bride. 'A good specimen this of the +ardour of a secure admirer,' thought I, as in moody silence I followed +my companion into a parlour. + +The attendant whom Lady St Edmunds had despatched to enquire for Lord +Frederick now returned to inform her that his Lordship had not arrived. +'He must be here in five minutes at farthest,' said Lady St Edmunds, in +answer to a kind of sarcastic laugh with which I received this +intimation; and she stationed herself at a window, to watch for his +arrival, while I affected to be wholly occupied with the portraits of +the Durham Ox and the Godolphin Arabian. The five minutes, however, were +doubly past, and still no Lord Frederick appeared. Lady St Edmunds +continued to watch for them, foretelling his approach in every carriage +that drove up; but when her prediction had completely failed, she began +to lose patience. 'I could have betted a thousand guineas,' said she, +'that he would serve us this trick; for he never kept an appointment in +his life.' + +'His Lordship need not hurry himself,' said I, 'for I mean to beg a +place in your Ladyship's carriage to town.' + +After another pause, however, Lady St Edmunds declared her opinion, that +some accident must have befallen her nephew. 'Only an accident to his +memory, madam, I fancy,' said I, and went on humming an opera tune. + +After waiting, however, nearly an hour, my spirit could brook the slight +no longer; and I impatiently urged Lady St Edmunds to return with me +instantly to town. My friend, for a while, endeavoured to obtain some +further forbearance towards the tardy bridegroom; but, finding me +peremptory, she consented to go. Still, however, she contrived to delay +our departure, by calling for refreshments, and ordering her horses to +be fed. At length my indignant pride overcoming even the ascendency of +Lady St Edmunds, I impatiently declared, that if she would not instantly +accompany me, I would order a carriage, and return home alone. + +We had now remained almost two hours at the inn; and my companion +beginning herself to despair of Lord Frederick's appearance, no longer +protracted our stay. She had already ordered her sociable to the door, +when a horseman was heard gallopping up with such speed, that, before +she could reach the window, he was already dismounted. 'This must be he +at last!' cried Lady St Edmunds. 'Now he really deserves that you should +torment him a little.' + +A man's step approached the door. It opened, and I turned away pouting, +yet cast back a look askance, to ascertain whether the intruder was Lord +Frederick. I saw only a servant, who delivered a letter to Lady St +Edmunds, and retired. The renewed anger and mortification which swelled +my breast were soon, however, diverted by an exclamation from my +companion, of astonishment not unmixed with dismay. Strong curiosity now +mingled with my indignant feelings. I turned to Lady St Edmunds; and +thought I gathered from her confused expressions, that she held in her +hand a letter of apology from Lord Frederick, which also contained +intelligence of disastrous importance. + +What this intelligence was, I saw that she hesitated to announce. Her +hesitation alarmed me, for I was obliged to infer from it, that she had +news to communicate which concerned me yet more nearly than the +desertion of Lord Frederick. Already in a state of irritation which +admitted not of cool enquiry, I mixed my scornful expressions of +indifference as to the conduct of my renegado lover, with breathless, +half-uttered questions of its cause. 'Indeed, Miss Percy,' stammered +Lady St Edmunds, 'it is a very--very disagreeable office which Lord +Frederick has thought fit to lay upon me. To be sure, every one is +liable to misfortune, and I dare say you will show that you can bear it +with proper spirit. Your father--but you tremble--you had better swallow +a little wine.' + +'What of my father?' I exclaimed; and with an impatience which burst +through all restraints, I snatched the letter from her hands; and, in +spite of her endeavours to prevent me, glanced over its contents. I have +accidentally preserved this specimen of modern sentiment, and shall here +transcribe it:-- + + 'My dear St E.,--The Percys are blown to the devil. The old one has + failed for near a million. By the luckiest chance upon earth, I + heard of it not five minutes before I was to set out. See what a + narrow escape I have had from blowing out my own brains. I would + have despatched Hodson sooner, but waited to make sure of the fact. + I shall set about Darnel immediately--a confounded exchange, for + the Percy was certainly the finest girl in London. By the by, make + the best story you can for me. I know she likes me, for all her + wincing; and I shall need some little private comfort, if I marry + that ugly thing Darnel. + + 'Yours ever, + 'F. DE BURGH. + + 'You need not quake for your five thousand--Darnel will bite at + once.' + +The amazement with which I read this letter instantly gave place to +doubts of the misfortune which it announced. I had been so accustomed to +rest secure in the possession of splendid affluence, that a sudden +reverse appeared incredible. It occurred to me that some groundless +report must have misled Lord Frederick, who was thus outwitted by his +own avarice. But, when I reached the close of his sentimental billet, +scorn and indignation overpowered every other feeling. 'The luckiest +chance!' I exclaimed. 'Well may he call it so! Oh what a wretch have I +escaped! What a complication of all that is basest and vilest!--No!' +said I, detaining with a disdainful smile the letter, which Lady St +Edmunds reached her hand to receive, 'No! this I will keep, as a +memorial of the disinterestedness of man, and the "passionate +temperament" of Lord Frederick de Burgh. Now, I suppose your Ladyship +will not object to returning instantly to town.' + +Lady St Edmunds, who actually seemed to quail beneath my eye, made no +objection to this proposal; but followed in silence, as I haughtily led +the way to the carriage. We entered, and it drove rapidly homewards. + +My thoughts again recurring to the letter, another light now flashed +upon me; and a stronger burst of resentment swelled my heart. 'This +epistle,' I suddenly exclaimed, 'is a master-teacher. It shows me the +sincerity of friends, as well as the tenderness of lovers. Where was +your boasted friendship, Lady St Edmunds?--where was your common +humanity, when you took advantage of a foolish pity--a mistaken sense of +honour--to lure me into a marriage with that heartless earth-worm? Me, +whom you pretended to love,--me, whom in common justice and +gratitude----' The remembrance of all my affection for this treacherous +friend choked my voice, and forced bitter--bitter tears to my eyes; but +pride, with a strong effort, suppressed the gentler feeling, and I +turned scornfully from the futile excuses and denials of my false +counsellor. + +Resentment, however, at length began to give place to apprehension, when +I reflected upon the decisive terms in which Lord Frederick announced my +father's ruin, and the certainty which he must have attained of the +fact, before he could have determined finally to relinquish his pursuit. +Some circumstances tended to confirm his assertion. I now recollected +the letter which my father had read with such evident emotion; and his +unusual absence in the morning, before the customary hours of business. +I vainly endeavoured to balance against these his late boast of his +immense possessions, and the improbability of a wreck so sudden. + +In spite of myself, an anxious dread fell upon me. My knees trembled; my +face now glowed with a hurried flush; and now a cold shudder ran through +my limbs. But disdaining to expose my alarm to her who had betrayed my +security, I proudly struggled with my anguish, affecting a careless +disbelief of my misfortune, and an easy scorn of the summer friendships +which had fled from its very name. I even strove to jest upon Lord +Frederick's premature desertion, bursting at times into wild hysterical +laughter. + +The duration of our journey seemed endless; yet when I came within sight +of my father's house, I would have given a universe to delay the +certainty of what I feared. Every breath became almost a sob,--every +movement convulsive, while, in the agony of suppressed emotion, I fixed +my straining eyes upon my home, as if they could have penetrated into +the souls of its inhabitants. The carriage stopped; and, scarcely +hearing Lady St Edmunds' polite excuse for not entering the house of +mourning, I sprang towards the door. + +It was long ere my repeated summons was answered. 'Has my father enquired +for me?' I hastily demanded, as I entered. + +'No, ma'am,--he never spoke.' + +'Is he at home?' + +'Mr Percy is--is in the house, ma'am, but----' The man paused, and his +face wore a ghastly expression of horror. + +A dark and shapeless dread rushed across my mind; but the cup was +already full, and I could bear no more. I sunk down in strong +convulsions. + +And must I recall those hours of horror?--Must I bare, one by one, the +wounds which no time can heal?--Must I retrace, step by step, the +fearful way which led me to the very verge of madness? + +Could I but escape one horrible picture, I would meet, without +recoiling, the remembrance of the rest. But it must not be. To make my +melancholy tale intelligible, the arrow must once more enter into my +soul, and the truth be told, though it palsy the hand that writes it. + +A long forgetfulness was varied only by dim recollections, which came +and went like the fitful dreams of delirium. My first distinct +impression of the past was formed, when, awaking as if from a deep +sleep, I found myself alone in my chamber. My flight,--the humiliation +which it had brought upon me,--the treachery of my friend,--the prospect +of ruin, all stood at once before me. + +My soul, already wounded by affection abused, felt the deserted +loneliness in which I was left as a confirmation of the dreaded evil. +Juliet Arnold, the companion of my pleasures, came to my thoughts, and +her absence stung me like neglect. 'All, all have forsaken me,' thought +I. 'Yet there is one heart still open to me. My father will love me +still. My father will take me to his breast. And if I must hear the +worst, I will hear it from him who has never betrayed me,--who will +never cast me off.' + +With thoughts like these I quitted my bed, and stole feebly towards my +father's apartment. The lights which were wont to blaze cheerfully,--the +attendants who used to crowd the halls,--were vanished. A dark twilight +faintly showed my way. A strange and dreary silence reigned around me. + +I entered my father's chamber. A red glare from the sky gave it a dismal +increase of light. Upon a couch lay a form that seemed my father's. The +face I saw not. A cloth frightfully stained with blood----No!--It cannot +be told. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + _----And yet I breathed! + But not the breath of human life! + A serpent round my heart was wreathed, + And stung my every thought to strife. + Alike all time! Abhorred all place! + Shuddering I shrunk from nature's face, + Where every line that charmed before, + The blackness of my bosom wore._ + + Lord Byron. + + +From long and dangerous faintings, I revived almost to frenzy. I shed no +tears. These are the expression of a milder form of suffering. One +horrible image filled my soul; one sense of anguish so strong, so +terrible, that every other feeling,--every faculty of mind and body was +benumbed in its grasp. Vainly did my awful duties summon me to their +performance. I was incapable of action, almost of thought. My eye +wandered over surrounding objects, but saw them not. The words which +were spoken to me conveyed no meaning to my mind. + +At length the form of my early friend seemed to flit before me. She +spoke; and though I could not follow the meaning of her words, the +sounds were those of kindness. The familiar voice, long associated with +so many kindly thoughts, reached the heart, waking a milder tone of +feeling; and resting my throbbing head upon her breast, I found relief +in a passionate burst of tears. Little did I think how small was the +share which friendship or compassion could claim in this visit of my +friend to the house of mourning! Little did I guess that its chief +motive was to rescue the gifts of my prodigality from being confounded +with the property of a bankrupt! + +She did not long remain with me; for friends more sympathising than she +are soon weary of witnessing the unrestrained indulgence of grief. Yet +she did not leave me abruptly. She was too much accustomed to follow the +smooth path of conciliation, that she continued to pursue it even when +it no longer promised advantage; and she satisfied me with some +plausible excuse for going, and with a promise of speedy return. + +The tears which for many hours I continued to shed relieved my oppressed +spirit; and by degrees I awoke to a full sense of my altered state. From +the proudest security of affluence,--from a fearless confidence in +myself, and in all around me, one fatal stroke had dashed me for ever. A +darker storm had burst upon me, and wrought a ruin more deep, more +irretrievable. That tie, which not the hardest heart resigns without +pain, had been torn from mine with force sudden and terrible; and a pang +unutterable had been added to that misfortune which turns love, and +reverence, and gratitude into anguish. What could be added to those +horrors, except that conscience should rise in her fury to remind me +that, when my presence might have soothed my father's sorrows, I had +been absent with an injurious purpose; and that the arrows of misfortune +had been rendered mortal by the rebellion of his child? This last +incurable pang the mercy of Heaven has saved me. I learned that my +father died ignorant of my intended flight. + +Miss Arnold, I found, had quitted our house for that of her brother, as +soon as our last and worst disaster was discovered by the domestics. Of +all the summer friends who had amused my prosperity, not one approached +to comfort my affliction. Even my servants, chosen without regard to +their moral character, and treated with reference to its improvement; +corrupted by the example of dissipation; undisciplined and +uninstructed,--repaid the neglect of my domestic duties by a hardened +carelessness of my wants and will. After the first transports of grief +had subsided, I observed this desertion; and I felt it with all the +jealousy of misfortune. Not three days were passed since a crowd of +obsequious attendants had anticipated my commands; now I could scarcely +obtain even the slight service which real necessity required. + +The remains of my unfortunate father still lay near me; and, unable to +overcome my horror of passing the chamber of death, I remained entirely +secluded in my apartment. The first intruder upon this seclusion was the +person who came to seal my father's repositories of papers and money. +Having performed his office elsewhere, he entered my apartment with +little ceremony; and, telling me that he understood my father had +intrusted me with jewels of value, informed me, that it was necessary to +prevent access to them for the present. Accustomed as I was to receive +all outward testimonies of respect, the intrusion of a stranger at such +a time appeared to me a savage outrage. I was ignorant of all the forms +of business; and his errand assumed the nature of the most insulting +suspicion. Had all the jewels of the earth lain at my feet he might have +borne them away unresisted by me; but the proud spirit which grief had +bowed almost to the dust roused itself at once to repel insult; and, +pointing to the casket, I haughtily commanded him to do his office +quickly and begone. By this sally of impatience, a few trinkets of value +which I might have justly claimed as my own were lost to me, being +contained in the casket which I thus suffered to be appropriated. + +Insulted as I thought, and persecuted in my only place of refuge, I +became desirous to quit my dismal abode. I imagined, that whatever +impropriety there might be in the continuance of Juliet's residence in +my desolate habitation, there could be no reason to deter me from taking +refuge with my friend;--my gentle, my affectionate friend, who had ever +rejoiced in my prosperity, and gloried in my accomplishments, and loved +even my faults. Checking the tears which gushed from my eyes at the +thought that a father's roof must shelter me no more, I announced my +intention to my friend in a short billet:--'Come to me, dearest Juliet,' +I said, 'come and take me from this house of misery, I only stipulate, +that you will not ask me to join your brother's family circle. I wish to +see no human being except yourself,--for who is there left me to love +but you?--Your own ELLEN PERCY.' + +The servant whom I despatched with this note brought back for answer, +that Miss Arnold was not at home. I had been accustomed to find every +one, but especially Miss Arnold, ever ready to attend my pleasure; and +even the easiest lessons of patience were yet new to the spoiled child +of prosperity. My little disappointment was aggravated by the +captiousness with which the unfortunate watch for instances of +coldness and neglect. 'Not at home! Ah,' thought I, 'what pleasure +should I have found in idle visiting or amusement, while she was +wretched?' Still I never doubted, that the very hour of her return +would bring her to welcome and to comfort her desolate friend. I +waited impatiently,--listened to every sound; and started at every +footstep which echoed through my dreary dwelling. But the cheerless +evening closed in, and brought no friend. I passed the hours, now in +framing her excuse, now in reproaching her unkindness, till the night +was far spent; then laid my weary head upon my pillow, and wept myself +to sleep. + +The morning came, and I rose early, that I might be ready to accompany +my friend without delay. But I took my comfortless meal alone. Alone I +passed the hour in which Juliet and I had been accustomed to plan the +pastime of the day. The hour came at which my gay equipage was wont to +attend our call. Just then I heard a carriage stop at the door, and my +sad heart gave one feeble throb of pleasure; for I doubted not that +Juliet was come. It was the hearse which came to bear my father to his +grave.--Juliet, and all things but my lost father, were for a time +forgotten. + +But as the paroxysm of sorrow subsided, I again became sensible to this +unkind delay. My billet had now been so long despatched without +obtaining a reply even of cold civility, that I began to doubt the +faithfulness of my messenger, I refused to believe that my note had ever +reached Miss Arnold; and I endeavoured to shut my eyes against the +indifference which even in that case was implied in her leaving me so +long to solitary affliction. I was going once more to summon the bearer +of my melancholy billet, that I might renew my enquiries in regard to +its delivery, when the long expected answer was at length brought to me. +I impatiently tore it open, anxious to learn what strong necessity had +compelled my friend to substitute for her own presence this colder form +of welcome. No welcome, even of the coldest form, was there. With many +expressions of condolence, and some even of affection, she informed me +of her sorrow 'that she could not receive my visit. I must be aware,' +she said, 'that one whose good name was her only dowry should guard the +frail treasure with double care. Grieved as she was to wound me, she was +obliged to say, that the publicity of my elopement appeared to her +brother an insuperable bar to the continuance of our intimacy. +Resistance to his will,' she said, 'was impossible, even if that will +had been less reasonable than, with grief, she confessed it to be. But +though she must withhold all outward demonstrations of regard, she would +ever remain my grateful and obedient servant.' + +I sat motionless as the dead, whilst I deciphered these inhuman words. +The icebolt had struck me to the heart. For a time I was stunned by the +blow, and a dull stupor overpowered all recollection. Then, suddenly the +anguish of abused affection,--the iron fangs of ingratitude,--entered +into my soul; and all that grief, and all that indignation can inflict, +burst in bitterness upon the wounded spirit. I gazed wildly on the cruel +billet, while, twisting it in the grasp of agony, I wrenched it to atoms; +then, raising to heaven an eye of blasphemy, I dared to insult the Father +of Mercies with a cry for vengeance. + +But the transport of passion quickly subsided into despair. I threw +myself upon the ground; longing that the earth would open and shelter me +from the baseness of mankind. I closed my eyes, and wished in bitterness +of soul that it were for ever. Sometimes, as memory recalled some kinder +endearment of my ill-requited affection, I would start as beneath the +sudden stab of murder; then bow again my miserable head, and remain in +the stillness of the grave. + +No ray of consolation cheered me. The world, which had so lately +appeared bright with pleasure,--the worthy habitation of beings +benevolent and happy, was now involved in the gloom, and peopled with +the unsightly shapes of darkness. While my mind glanced towards the +selfishness of Lord Frederick, and the treachery of Lady St +Edmunds,--while it dwelt upon the desertion of her who, for seven years, +had shared my heart and all else that I had to bestow, the human kind +appeared to me tainted with the malignity of fiends, and I alone born to +be the victim of their craft,--the sport of their cruelty! + +How often has the same merciless aspersion been cast upon their +fellow-creatures by those who, like me, have repelled the friendship of +the virtuous? How often, and how unjustly, do they who choose their +associate for the hour of sunshine, complain when he shrinks from the +bitter blast? Oh that my severe experience could warn unwary beings like +myself! Oh that they would learn from my fate to shun the fellowship of +the unprincipled! Even common reason may teach them to despair of +awakening real regard in her whom infinite benefits cannot attach,--nor +infinite excellence delight,--nor infinite forgiveness constrain. She +wants the very stamina of generous affection; and is destined to wind +her way through all the heartless schemes and cowardly apostasies of +selfishness. + +From the stupor of despair, I was roused by the entrance of the stranger +who had before intruded. In the jealous reserve of an anguish too mighty +to be profaned by exposure, I rose from my dejected posture; and, with +frozen steadiness, enquired, 'what new indignity I had now to bear?' +The stranger, awed as it seemed by something in my look and manner, +informed me, not without respectful hesitation, that he was commissioned +by the creditors to tell me I know not what of forms and rights, of +willingness to allow me all reasonable accommodation, and such property +as I might justly claim, and to remind me of the propriety of appointing +a friend to watch over my further interests. One word only of the speech +was fitted to arrest my attention. 'Friend!' I repeated, with a smile +such as wrings the heart more than floods of womanly tears. 'Any one may +do the office of a friend! Ay, even one of those kindly souls who drove +my father to desperation,--who refused him the poor boon of delay, when +delay might have retrieved all! Any of them can insult and renounce me. +This is the modern office of a friend, is it not?' + +The stranger, gazing on me with astonishment, proceeded to request, that +I would name an early day for removing from my present habitation; since +the creditors only waited for my departure, to dismiss the servants, and +to bring my father's house, with all that it contained, to public sale. +He added, that he was commissioned by them to present me with a small +sum for my immediate occasions. + +To be thus forcibly expelled from the home, where, till now, I could +command; to be offered as an alms a pittance from funds which I had +considered as my hereditary right; to be driven forth to the cold world +with all my wounds yet bleeding, stung me as instances of severe +injustice and oppression. My spirit, sore with recent injury, writhed +under the rude touch. Already goaded almost to frenzy, I told the +stranger, that 'had I recollected the rights of his employers, I would +not have owed the shelter even of a single night to those whose +barbarous exactions had destroyed my father; nor would I ever be +indebted to their charity, so long as the humanity of the laws would +bestow a little earth to cover me.' + +I pulled the bell violently, and gave orders that a hackney-coach should +be procured for me. It came almost immediately; and, without uttering +another word,--without raising my eyes,--without one expression of +feeling, except the convulsive shudderings of my frame, and the cold +drops that stood upon my forehead, I passed the apartment where my +father perished,--the spot where my mother poured upon me her last +blessing,--and cast myself upon the wide world without a friend or home. + +I ordered the carriage to an obscure street in the city; a narrow, dark, +and airless lane. I had once in my life been obliged to pass through +it, and it had impressed my mind as a scene of all that is dismal in +poverty and confinement. This very impression made me now choose it for +my abode; and I felt a strange and dreary satisfaction in adding this +consummation to the horrors of my fate. As the carriage proceeded, I +became sensible to the extreme disorder of my frame. Noise and motion +were torture to nerves already in the highest state of irritation. Fever +throbbed in every vein, and red flashes of light seemed to glare before +my heavy eyes. A hope stole upon my mind that all was near a close. I +felt a gloomy satisfaction in the thought, that surely my death would +reach the heart of my false friend; that surely when she knew that I had +found refuge in the grave from calumny and unkindness, she would wish +that she had spared me the deadly pang; and would lament that she had +doubled the burden which weighed me to the earth. + +When the carriage reached the place of its destination, the coachman +again applied to me for instructions; and I directed him to stop at any +house where lodgings could be obtained. After several ineffectual +enquiries, he drew up to the door of a miserable shop, where he was told +that a single room was to be hired. 'Would you please to look into my +little place yourself, madam?' said a decent-looking woman, who advanced +to meet me. 'It is clean, though it be small, and I should be very happy +that it would suit.' + +'Any thing will suit me,' answered I. + +'You, ma'am!' cried the woman in a tone of extreme surprise; then +placing herself just opposite to me, she seemed hesitating whether or +not she should allow me to pass. Indeed the contrast of my appearance +with the accommodation which I sought might well have awakened +suspicion. My mourning, in the choice of which I had taken no share, was +in material the most expensive, and in form of the highest fashion. The +wildness of despair was probably impressed on my countenance; and my +tall figure, lately so light and so elastic, bent under sickness and +dejection. The woman surveyed me with a curiosity, which in better days +I would have ill endured; but perceiving me ready to sink to the ground, +she relaxed her scrutiny, while she offered me a seat, which I eagerly +accepted. She then went to the door, upon pretence of desiring the +coachman to wait till I should ascertain whether her lodgings were such +as I approved; and they entered on a conversation in which I heard my +own name repeated. When she returned to me, she poured forth a torrent +of words, the meaning of which I was unable to follow, but which seemed +intended to apologise for some suspicion. Never imagining that my +character could be the cause of hesitation, I fancied that the poor +woman doubted of my ability to pay for my accommodation; and drawing out +my purse, I put into her hands all that remained of an affluence which +had so lately been the envy of thousands. 'It is but a little,' said I, +'but it will outlast me.' + +I now desired to be shown to my apartment; and laboriously followed my +landlady up a steep miserable stair, into a chamber, low, close, and +gloomy. In a sort of recess, shaded by a patched curtain of faded +chintz, stood a bed, which, only a few days before, no degree of fatigue +could have induced me to occupy. Worn out, and heartbroken as I was, I +yet recoiled from it for a moment. 'But it matters not,' thought I, 'I +shall not occupy it long;' so I laid myself down without undressing, and +desired that I might be left alone. + +I was now, indeed, alone. In the wilfulness of desperation, I had myself +severed the few and slender ties which might still have bound me to +mankind; and I felt a sullen pleasure in the thought that my retreat was +inscrutable alike to feeble compassion and to idle curiosity. The widow, +whose roof afforded my humble shelter, and her daughter, a sickly, +ignorant, but industrious creature, at first persecuted me with +attentions; vainly trying to bribe, with such delicacies as they could +procure, the appetite which turned from all with the loathing of +disease. They urged me to send for my friends, and for medical advice. +They tried, though ignorant of my real distemper, to soothe me with +words of rude comfort. All was in vain. I seldom looked up, or returned +any other answer than a faint gesture of impatience; and, weary of my +obstinate silence, they at last desisted from their assiduities, nor +ever intruded on my solitude, except to bring relief to the parching +thirst which consumed me. + +Day after day passed on in the same dreary quiet. Night, and the +twilight of my gloomy habitation, succeeded each other, unnoticed by me. +Disease was preying on my constitution,--hopeless and indignant +rejection rankled in my mind. My ceaseless brooding over injury and +misfortune was only varied by the dreary consolation that all would soon +be lost in the forgetfulness of the grave. + +And could a rational and immortal creature turn on the grave a hope in +which religion had no part? Could a being, formed for hope and for +enjoyment, lose all that the earth has to offer, without reaching +forward an eager grasp towards joys less transient? When the meteors +which I had so fondly pursued were banished for ever, did no ray from +the Fountain of Light descend to cheer my dark dwelling?--No. They who +have tasted that the Lord is good, return in their adversity with double +eagerness to taste his goodness. But I had lived without God in my +prosperity, and my sorrow was without consolation. In the sunshine of my +day I had refused the guiding cloud; and the pillar of fire was +withdrawn from my darkness. I had forgotten Him who filleth heaven and +earth,--and the heavens and the earth were become one dreary blank to +me. The tumult of feeling, indeed, unavoidably subsided; but it was into +a calm,--frozen, stern, and cheerless as the long night-calm of a polar +sea. + +From the supineness of sickness and despair, I was at last forced to +momentary exertion. My landlady renewed her entreaties that I would send +for my friends; enforcing her request by informing me that my little +fund was nearly exhausted. Disturbed with her importunity, and careless +of providing against difficulties from which I expected soon to escape, +I commanded her to desist. But my commands were no longer indisputable. +The woman probably fearing, from the continuance of my disorder, that my +death might soon involve her in trouble and expense, persisted in her +importunity. Finding me obstinately determined to persevere in +concealment, she proceeded to hint not obscurely, that it would be +necessary to consider of some means of supply, or to provide myself with +another abode. Only a few days were past since an insinuation like this +would have driven me indignant from a palace; but now the depression of +sickness was added to that of sorrow, and I only answered, that when I +could no longer repay her trouble, I would release her from it. + +Dissatisfied, however, with an assurance which she foresaw that I might +be unable to fulfil, the widow proceeded to enquire whether I retained +any properly which could be converted into money; and mentioned a ring +which she observed me to wear. Dead as I was to all earthly affection, I +firmly refused to part with this ring, for it had been my mother's. I +had drawn it a hundred times from her slender hand, and she thought it +best employed as a toy for her little Ellen, while yet its quickly +shifting rays made its only value to me. 'No!' said I, as the woman +urged me to dispose of it, 'this shall go with me to the grave, in +memory that one heart had human feeling towards me.' The landlady, +however, venturing a tedious remonstrance against this resolution, the +dying fire again gave a momentary flash. 'Be silent,' I cried. 'Speak to +me no more till I am penniless; then tell me so at once, and I will that +instant leave your house, though I die at the threshold!' Highly +offended by this haughty command, the woman immediately retired, leaving +me for the rest of that day in total solitude. + +An evil was now ready to fall upon me, for which I was wholly unprepared +either by experience or reflection. Unaccustomed as I was to approach +the abodes of poverty, the very form of want was new to me; and since I +had myself been numbered with the poor, my thoughts had chiefly dwelt +upon my past misfortunes, or taken refuge from the anticipation of +future distress in the prospect of dissolution. But, in spite of my +wishes and my prophecies, abstinence, and the strength of my +constitution, prevailed over my disorder. My heavy eyes were this night +visited by a deep and refreshing sleep, from which I awoke not till a +mid-day sun glanced through the smoke a dull ray upon the chimney crags +that bounded my horizon. + +I looked up with a murmur of regret that I was restored to +consciousness. 'Why,' thought I, 'must the flaring light revisit those +to whom it brings no comfort?' and I closed my eyes in thankless +impatience of my prolonged existence. Oh, where is the _human_ +physician, whose patience would endure to have his every prescription +questioned, and vilified, and rejected! whose pitying hand would offer +again and again the medicine which in scorn we dash from our lips!--No! +Such forbearance dwells with one Being alone; and such perverseness we +reserve for the infallible Physician. + +I presently became sensible that my fever had abated. With a deep +feeling of disappointment I perceived that death had eluded my desires; +and that I must return to the thorny and perplexing path where the +serpent lurked to sting, and tigers prowled for prey. While my thoughts +were thus engaged, a footstep crossed my chamber; but, lost in my gloomy +reverie, I suffered it, ere I raised my eyes, to approach close to my +bed. I was roused by a cry of strong and mingled feeling. 'Miss +Mortimer!' I exclaimed; but she could not speak. She threw herself upon +my bed, and wept aloud. The voice of true affection for a moment touched +my heart; but I remembered that the words of kindness had soothed only +to deceive; and stern recollection of my wrongs steeled me against +better thoughts. + +'Why are you come hither, Miss Mortimer?' said I, coldly withdrawing +myself from her arms. + +'Unkind Ellen!' returned my weeping friend; 'could I know that you were +in sorrow and not seek you? May I not comfort,--or, if that cannot be, +may I not mourn with you?' + +'I do not mourn--I want no comfort--leave me.' + +'Oh say not so, dearest child. You are not forbidden to feel. Let us +weep together under the chastisement, and trust together that there is +mercy in it.' + +'Mercy! no. I have been dashed without pity to the earth, and there will +I lie till it open to receive me.' + +Miss Mortimer gazed on me in sorrowful amazement; then, wringing her +hands as in sudden anguish, 'Oh, Heaven!' she cried, 'is this my +Ellen?--Is this the joyous spirit that brought cheerfulness wherever it +came?--Is this the face that was bright with life and pleasure? +Loveliest, dearest, how hast thou lost the comfort which belongs even to +the lowest of mankind,--the hope which is offered even to the worst of +sinners?' + +'Leave me, Miss Mortimer!' I cried, impatient of the self-reproach which +her sorrow awakened in my breast. 'I wish only to die in peace. Must +even this be denied me?' + +'Ellen, my beloved Ellen, is that what you call peace?--Oh Thou who +alone canst, deign to visit this troubled soul with the peace of thy +children!' Miss Mortimer turned from me, and ceased to speak; but I saw +her wasted hand lifted as in prayer, and her sobs attested the fervency +of the petition. After a short silence, making a visible effort to +compose herself, she again addressed me. 'Do not ask me to leave you, +Ellen,' said she. 'I came hither, resolved not to return without you. If +you are too weak to-day for our little journey, I will nurse you here. +Nay, you must not forbid me. I will sit by you as still as death. Or, +make an effort, my love, to reach home with me, and I will not intrude +on you for a minute. You shall not even be urged to join my solitary +meals. It will be comfort enough for me to feel that you are near.' + +I could not be wholly insensible to an invitation so affectionate; but I +struggled against my better self, and pronounced a hasty and peremptory +refusal. Miss Mortimer looked deeply grieved and disappointed; but hers +was that truly Christian spirit whose kindness no ingratitude could +discourage, whose meekness no perverseness could provoke. She might have +checked the untoward plant in its summer pride; but the lightning had +scathed it, and it was become sacred in her eyes. + +Sparing the irritability of the wounded spirit, she forbore to fret it +by further urging her request. She rather endeavoured to soothe me by +every expression of tenderness and respect. She at last submitted so +far to my wayward humour, as to quit my apartment; aware, perhaps, that +the spirit which roused itself against opposition might yield to +solitary reflection. The voice of kindness, which I had expected never +more to hear, stirred in my breast a milder nature; and as my eye +followed the feeble step of Miss Mortimer, and read her wasted +countenance, my heart smote me for my resistance to her love. 'She has +risen from a sick-bed to seek me,' thought I; 'me, renounced as I have +been by all mankind,--bereft as I am of all that allured the perfidious. +Surely _this_ is not treachery.' + +My reverie was suddenly interrupted by poor Fido, who made good his +entrance as Miss Mortimer left the room; and instantly began to express, +as he could, his recognition of his altered mistress. The sight of him +awakened at once a thousand recollections. It recalled to my mind my +former petulant treatment of my mother's friend, her invariable patience +and affection, and the remorse excited by our separation. My mother +herself rose to my view, such as she was when Fido and I had gamboled +together by her side,--such as she was when sinking in untimely decay. I +felt again the caress which memory shall ever hold dear and holy. I saw +again the ominous flush brighten her sunken cheek; knelt once more at +her feet to pray that we might meet again; and heard once more the +melancholy cry which spoke the pang of a last farewell. The stubborn +spirit failed. I threw my arms round my mother's poor old favourite, and +melted into tears. These tears were the first which I had shed since the +unkindness of my altered friend had turned my gentler affections into +gall;--and let those who would know the real luxury of grief turn from +the stern anguish of a proud heart to the mild regrets which follow +those who are gone beyond the reach of our gratitude and our love. + +Miss Mortimer did not leave me long alone. She returned to bring me +refreshment better suited to my past habits and present weakness than to +her own very limited finances. As she entered, I hastily concealed my +tears; but when her accents of heartfelt affection mingled in my soul +with the recollections which were already there, the claim of my +mother's friend grew irresistible. A half confession of my late +ingratitude rose to my lips; but that to which Ellen, the favoured child +of fortune, might have condescended as an instance of graceful candour, +seemed an act of meanness in Ellen fallen and dependent. I pressed Miss +Mortimer's hand between mine. 'My best, my only friend!' said I; and +Miss Mortimer asked no more. It was sufficient for the generous heart +that its kindness was at last felt and accepted. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + _----Fruit----some harsh, 'tis true, + Pick'd from the thorns and briars of reproof; + But wholesome, well-digested; grateful some + To palates that can taste immortal truth; + Insipid else, and sure to be despised._ + + Cowper. + + +The news of my father's misfortune no sooner reached Miss Mortimer's +retirement, than she made an exertion beyond her strength, that she +might visit and comfort me. At my father's house, she learnt that I was +gone no one knew whither; but the conveyance which I had chosen enabled +her at last to trace my retreat, and she lost not a moment in following +me thither. There, with all the tenderness of love, and all the +perseverance of duty, she watched over my returning health; nor ever +quitted me by night or by day, till I was able to accompany her home. + +It was on a golden summer morning that we together left my dreary +lurking-place. The sun shone forth as brightly as on the last day that I +had visited Miss Mortimer's abode; the trees were in yet fuller foliage; +and the hues of spring were ripening to the richer tints of autumn. The +river flashed as gaily in the beam, and the vessels veered as proudly to +the breeze. My friend sought to cheer my mind by calling my attention to +the bright and busy scene. But the smile which I called up to answer her +cares, came not from the heart. Cold and undelighted I turned from the +view. 'To what end,' thought I, 'should this prison-house be so adorned? +this den of the wretched and the base!' So dismal a change had a few +weeks wrought upon this goodly frame of things to me. But thus it ever +fares with those who refuse to contemplate the world with the eye of +reason and of religion. In the day of prosperity, this foreign land is +their chosen rest, for which they willingly forget their Father's house, +but when the hours of darkness come, they refuse to find in it even +accommodations fitted for the pilgrim 'that tarries but a night.' + +When we had reached the cottage, and Miss Mortimer, with every testimony +of affection had welcomed me home, she led me to the apartment which was +thenceforth to be called my own. It was the gayest in my friend's simple +mansion. Its green walls, snowy curtains, and light furniture, were +models of neatness and order; and though the jessamine had been lately +pruned from the casement to enlarge my view, enough still remained to +adorn the projecting thatch with a little starry wreath. + +On one side of my window were placed some shelves containing a few +volumes of history, and the best works of our British essayists and +poets; on the other was a chest of drawers, in which I found all the +more useful part of my own wardrobe, secured to me by the considerate +attention of Miss Mortimer. My friend rigidly performed her promise of +leaving my time wholly at my own command. As soon as she had established +me in my apartment, she resigned it solely to me: nor ever reminded me, +by officious attentions, that I was a guest rather than an inmate. She +told me the hours at which her meals were punctually served, giving me +to understand that when I did not choose to join them, no warning or +apology was necessary; since, if I did not appear in the family-room, I +should be waited upon in my own. These arrangements being made, she +advised me to repose myself after the fatigue of my journey, and left me +alone. Wearied out by an exertion to which my strength was yet scarcely +equal, I laid myself on a bed more inviting than the last which I had +pressed, and soon dropped asleep. + +The evening was closing, when I was awakened by a strain of music so +soft, so low, that it seemed at first like a dream of the songs of +spirits. I listened, and distinguished the sounds of the evening hymn. +It was sung by Miss Mortimer; and never did humble praise,--never did +filial gratitude,--find a voice more suited to their expression. The +touching sweetness of her notes, heightened by the stillness of the +hour, roused an attention little used of late to fix on outward things. +'These are the sounds of thankfulness,' thought I. 'I saw her this +morning thank God, as if from the heart, for the light of a new day; and +now, having been spent in deeds of kindness, it is closed as it began +in an act of thanksgiving. What does she possess above all women, to +call forth such gratitude? She is poor, lonely, neglected. She knows +that she has obtained but a short reprieve from a disease which will +waste away her life in lingering torture. Good Heaven! What is there in +all this to cause that prevailing temper of her mind; that principle as +it would appear, of all her actions?--She must have been born with this +happy turn of thought. And, besides, she has never known a better +fate;--blest, that poverty and solitude have kept her ignorant of the +treachery and selfishness of man!' + +The strain had ceased, and my thoughts returned to my own melancholy +fate. To escape from tormenting recollection, or rather in the mere +restlessness of pain, I opened a book which lay upon my table. It was my +mother's Bible. The first page was inscribed with her name, and the date +of my birth, written with her own hand. Below, my baptism was recorded +in the following words:-- + +'This eleventh of January, 1775, I dedicated my dearest child to God. +May He accept and purify the offering, though it be with fire!' + +As I read these lines, the half prophetic words of my mother's parting +blessing flashed on my recollection. 'Oh, my mother!' I cried, 'couldst +thou have foreseen how bitter would be my "chastisement," couldst thou +have known, that the "fire" would consume all, would not thy love have +framed a far different prayer? Yes! for thou hadst a fellow-feeling in +every suffering, and how much above all in mine!' + +I proceeded to look for some further traces of a hand so dear. The book +opened of itself at a passage to which a natural feeling had often led +the parent who was soon to forget even her child in the unconsciousness +of the grave; and a slight mark in the margin directed my eye to this +sentence: 'Can a mother forget her sucking babe, that she should not +have compassion upon the son of her womb? Yea, she may forget, yet will +not I forget thee.' + +These words had often been read in my hearing, when my wandering mind +scarcely affixed a meaning to them; or when their touching condescension +was lost upon the proud child of prosperity. But now their coincidence +with the previous current of my thoughts seized at once my whole +attention. I started as if some strange and new discovery had burst upon +my understanding. Again I read the passage, and with a care which I had +never before bestowed on any part of the book which contains it. 'Is +this,' I enquired, 'an expression of the divine concern in each +individual of human kind?--No. It seems merely a national promise. Yet, +my mother has regarded it in another light; else why has she marked it +so carefully?' + +It was in vain that I debated this question with myself. Such was my +miserable ignorance of all which it most behoved me to know, that I +never thought of explaining the letter of the Scriptures by resorting to +their spirit. My habitual propensities resisting every pious impression, +my mind revolted from the belief that parental love had adjusted every +circumstance of a lot which I accounted so severe as mine. To admit +this, was virtually to confess that I had need of correction; that I +had, to use Miss Mortimer's words, 'already reached that state when +mercy itself assumes the form of punishment.' Yet the soothing beauty of +the sentiment, the natural yearning of the friendless after an Almighty +friend, made me turn to the same passage again and again, till the +darkness closed in, and lulled me to a deep and solemn reverie. + +'Does the Great Spirit,' thought I, 'indeed watch over us? Does He work +all the changes of this changeful world? Does He rule with ceaseless +vigilance,--with irresistible control, whatever can affect my +destiny?--Can this be true?--If it be even possible, by what strange +infatuation has it been banished from my thoughts till now? But it +cannot be so. A man's own actions often mould his destiny; and if his +actions be compelled by an extraneous energy, he is no more than a mere +machine. The very idea is absurd.' And thus, to escape from a sense of +my own past insanity, I entered a labyrinth where human reason might +stray for ever, + + And find no end, in wandering mazes lost. + +But the subject, perplexing as it was to my darkened understanding, had +seized upon my whole mind; and sleep fled my pillow, whilst in spite of +myself the question again and again recurred; 'If I be at the mercy of a +resistless power, why have I utterly neglected to propitiate this mighty +arbitrator? If the success of every purpose even possibly depended upon +his will, why was that will forgotten in all my purposes?' + +As soon as it was day I arose; and, with the eagerness of one who would +escape from suspense, I resorted to the book which had so lately +arrested my regard. I no longer glanced over its pages in careless +haste; for it offered my only present lights upon the questions, +interesting by their novelty as well as by their importance--whether I +had been guilty of the worse than childish improvidence, which, in +attending to trifles, overlooks the capital circumstance? or whether the +Creator, having dismissed us like orphans into a fatherless world, is +regardless of our improvement, and deaf to our cry? My impatience of +doubt made me forget, for a time, that the very fact which confers upon +Scripture its authority, supposes a divine interference in human +concerns. The great truth, however, shone forth in every page. All spoke +of a vigilant witness, a universal, a ceaseless energy. Nor was this +all. I could scarcely open the book without finding somewhat applicable +to my own character or situation; I was, therefore, no longer obliged to +compel my attention, as to the concerns of a stranger; it was powerfully +attracted by interests peculiarly my own. The study, indeed, was often +painful; but yet I returned to it, as the heir to the deed which is to +make him rich or a beggar. + +My search, however, produced nothing to elate. I read of benefits which +I had forgotten; of duties which I had neglected; of threatenings which +I had despised. The 'first and great commandment,' directed every +affection of my soul to Him who had scarcely occupied even the least of +my thoughts. The most glorious examples were proposed to my imitation, +and my heart sunk when I compared them with myself. A temper of +universal forbearance, habits of diligent benevolence, were made the +infallible marks of a character which I had no right to claim. The happy +few were represented as entering with difficulty, and treading with +perseverance, the 'strait and narrow way,' which not even self-deceit +could persuade me that I had found. That self-denial, which was enjoined +to all as an unremitting habit, was new to me almost even in name. The +'lovers of pleasure,' among whom I had been avowedly enrolled, were +ranked, by my new guide, with 'traitors and blasphemers.' The pride +which, if I considered it at all as an error, I accounted the 'glorious +fault' of noble minds, was reprobated as an impious absurdity. The +anguish of repentance,--the raptures of piety,--the 'full assurance of +hope,' were poured forth; but, with the restless anxiety of him who +obtains an imperfect glimpse of the secret upon which his all depends, I +perceived, that their language was to me the language of a foreign land. + +By degrees, something of my real self was opened to my sight. The view +was terrible; but, once seen, I vainly endeavoured to avert my eye. At +midnight, and in the blaze of day, in the midst of every employment, in +defiance of every effort, my offences stood before me. With the sense of +guilt, came the fear before which the boldest spirit fails. I saw the +decree already executed which took from me the 'talent buried in the +earth;' but, the stroke which had deprived me of all, seemed only a +prelude to that more awful sentence which consigns the unprofitable +servant to 'outer darkness.' As one who starts from sleep beneath the +uplifted sword,--as he to whom the lightning's flash reveals the +precipice,--as the mother waked by the struggles of her half-smothered +babe,--so I--but what material images of horror can shadow forth the +terrors of him who feels that he is by his own act undone? In an +overwhelming sense of my folly and my danger, I often sunk into the +attitude of supplication; but I had now a meaning to unfold not to be +expressed in a few formal phrases which I had been accustomed to hurry +over. I saw that I had need of mercy which I had not deserved, and which +I had no words to ask. How little do they know of repentance who propose +to repay with it, at their own 'convenient season,' the pleasures which +they are at all hazards determined to seize! + +Meanwhile, though my misfortunes could not be banished from my mind, +they no longer held their sullen reign alone. New interests had awakened +in my breast; new fears; new regrets. I felt that there is an evil +greater than the loss of fame, of fortune, or of friends; that there is +a pang compared with which sorrow is pleasure. This anguish I endured +alone. The proud spirit could pour into no human ear the language of its +humiliation and its dread. I suffered Miss Mortimer to attribute to +grief the dejection which at times overpowered me; to impatience of +deprivation, the anxious disquiet of one who is seeking rest, and +finding none. Yet I no longer shunned her society. I sought relief in +the converse of a person rich in the knowledge in which I was wanting, +impressed with the only subjects which could interest me now. Miss +Mortimer was precisely the companion best calculated to be useful to me. +She never willingly oppressed me with a sense of her superiority,--never +upbraided my cold reception of doctrines which I was not yet fitted to +receive,--never expressed surprise at my hesitation, or impatience with +my prejudices,--never aggravated my sense of the danger of my state, nor +boasted of the security of her own; but answered my questions in terms +direct and perspicuous; opposed my doubts and prejudices with meek +reason; represented the condition of the worst of mankind as admitting +of hope,--that of the best, as implying warfare. + +From the first month of my residence with Miss Mortimer I may date a new +era of my existence. My mind had received a new impulse, and new views +had opened to me of my actions, my situation, and my prospects. An +important step had been made towards a change in my character. But +still it was only a step. The tendencies of nature, strengthened by the +habits of seventeen years, remained to be overcome, and this was not the +work of a month, or a year. I was not, however, of a temper long to +endure the sense of helpless misery. Encouraged by the promises which +are made to the repentant, and guided now by the example which I had +once overlooked or ridiculed, I resolved to associate myself as much as +possible, in Miss Mortimer's acts of devotion and of charity. I joined +in her family worship,--I visited her pensioners,--and industriously +assisted her in working for the poor; an employment to which she +punctually devoted part of her time. Little did I then suspect how much +the value of the same action was varied by our different motives. She +laboured to please a Father,--I to propitiate a hard Master. She was +humbly offering a token of gratitude,--I was poorly toiling for a hire. + +It was now that I began to feel the effects of my former habits of life. +While my feelings were in a state of strong excitement, they held the +place of the stimulants to which I had been accustomed; and I should +have turned in disgust from the trivial interests which had formerly +engaged me. But whenever my mind settled into its more natural state, I +became sensible of a vacancy,--a wearisome craving for an undefined +something to rouse and interest me. The great truths indeed which I had +lately discovered, often supplied this want; and I had only to turn my +newly acquired powers of sight towards my own character to be awakened +into strong emotion. But compared with my new standards, my own heart +offered a prospect so little inviting, that I turned from it as often as +I dared; endeavouring to 'lay the flattering unction to my soul,' by +wilfully mistaking the resolution to be virtuous for virtue itself. + +The activity of my mind had hitherto been so unhappily directed, that it +now revolted from every impulse, except such as was either pleasurable +or of overwhelming force. Besides, although nothing be more sublime than +a life of charity and self-denial in the abstract, nothing is less so in +the detail. I was unused to difficulty, and therefore submitted with +impatience to difficulties which my own inexperience rendered more +numerous. Poverty I had known only as she is exhibited in the graceful +draperies of tragedy and romance; therefore I met her real form in all +its squalor and loathsomeness, with more, I fear, of disgust than of +pity. My imaginary poor had all been innocent and grateful. Short +experience in realities corrected this belief; and when I found among +the real poor the vices common to mankind, added to those which +peculiarly belong to a state of dependence,--when I found them selfish, +proud, and sensual, as well as cunning and improvident,--I almost forgot +that alms were never meant as a tribute to the virtues of man; and that +it is absurd to pretend compassion for the bodily necessities of our +fellow-creature, while we exercise none towards the more deplorable +wants of his mind. Not knowing, however, what spirit I was of, I called +my impatience of their defects a virtuous indignation; and witnessed, +with something like resentment, the moderation of Miss Mortimer, who +always viewed mental debasement as others do bodily decrepitude, with an +averseness which inclined her to withdraw her eye, but with a pity which +stretched forth her hand to help. Yet when I beheld the ignorance, the +miseries, the crimes of beings in whom I had now, in some degree, learnt +to reverence the character of immortality, how did I lament, that, with +respect to them, I had hitherto lived in vain! How did I reproach +myself, that, while thousands of sensitive and accountable creatures +were daily within the sphere of my influence, that influence had served +only to deepen, with additional shades, the blackness of human misery +and of human guilt. + +Accident served to heighten this self-upbraiding. One day when Miss +Mortimer, with the assistance of my arm, was walking round her garden, +she observed a meagre, barefooted little girl; who, reaching her sallow +hand through the bars of the wicket, asked alms in a strong Caledonian +accent. My friend, who never dismissed any supplicant unheard, patiently +enquired into a tale which was rendered almost unintelligible by the +uncouth dialect and national bashfulness of the narrator. All that we +could understand from the child was, that she was starving, because her +father was ill, and her mother prevented from working, by attendance +upon an infant who was dying of the small-pox. Miss Mortimer, who always +conscientiously endeavoured to ascertain that the alms which she +subtracted from her own humble comforts were not squandered in +profligacy, accepted of my offer to examine into the truth of this +story; and I accompanied the child to the abode of her parents. + +After the longest walk which I had ever taken, my conductress ushered me +into a low dark apartment in the meanest part of Greenwich. Till my eye +was accommodated to the obscurity, I could very imperfectly distinguish +the objects which surrounded me; and, for some minutes after leaving +the gladdening air of heaven, I could scarcely breathe the vapour +stagnant in the abode of disease and wretchedness. The little light +which entered through a window half filled with boards fell upon a +miserable pallet, where lay the emaciated figure of a man; his face +ghastly wan, till the exertion of a hollow cough flushed it with +unnatural red; and his eye glittering with the melancholy brightness +which indicates hopeless consumption. + +Upon a low stool, close by the expiring embers, sat a woman, vainly +trying to still the hoarse cry of an infant. On my entrance, she started +up to offer me the only seat which her apartment contained; and the poor +Scotchman, with national courtesy to a superior, would have risen to +receive me,--but he was unable to move without help. His wife, that she +might be at liberty to assist him, called upon the little girl to take +charge of her brother. Startled at seeing an infant committed to such +care, I thoughtlessly offered my services; and held out my arms for the +child. The mother, evidently pleased with what she seemed to regard as +condescension, and not aware that the being whom she was fondly +caressing could be an object of disgust to others, held the child +towards me; but at the first glance I recoiled, with an exclamation of +horror, from a creature who scarcely retained a trace of human likeness. +That dreadful plague, which the most fortunate of discoveries now +promises to banish from the earth, had disguised, or rather concealed, +every feature; and, deprived of light, of nourishment, and rest, the +sufferer scarcely retained the power to express its misery in a hoarse +and smothered wailing. The poor woman, sensibly hurt by my expression of +disgust, shed tears, while she reminded me of the evanescent nature of +beauty, and enumerated all the charms of which a few days had deprived +her boy. I had wounded where I came to heal; and all my address could +scarcely atone for an error, that increased the difficulties which my +errand already found in the decent reserve of spirits unsubdued to +beggary, and in a dialect which I could very imperfectly comprehend. + +What I at length learnt of the story of these poor people may be told in +a few words; the man was a gardener, who had been allured from his +country by the demand in England for Scotchmen of his trade. Unable to +procure immediate employment, he and his family had suffered much +difficulty; till, encouraged by the name of a countryman, they had +applied to Mr Maitland. By his interest, the man had obtained the +situation of under-gardener in Mr Percy's villa at Richmond. + +I started at the name of my father, but having been often deceived, I +was become cautious; and, without betraying myself, asked whether they +had ever seen Miss Percy. The woman answered that they had not; having +entered on their service the same day that their master's family removed +to town. The evil influence of Miss Percy, however, had blasted all +their hopes and comforts. She had given peremptory orders that some +delicate exotics should be forced into flower to adorn an entertainment. +Poor Campbell, deputed to take care of them, watched them all night in +the hot-house; then walked two miles to his lodging through a thick +drift of snow; breathed ever afterwards with pain; struggled against +disease; wrought hard in the sharp mornings and chilly evenings of +spring; and, when my father could no longer repay his services, was +dismissed to die, unheeded by a mistress equally selfish in the +indulgence of her sorrow as in the thoughtlessness of her prosperity. + +As I listened to this tale, I found it confirmed by circumstances which +admitted not of doubt. While I looked on the death-struck figure of +poor Campbell, saw the misery that surrounded me, and felt that it was +_my_ work, my situation was more pitiable than that of any mortal, +except him who can see that he has done irreparable injury, yet see it +without a pang. When I recovered utterance, I enquired whether Campbell +had any medical assistance?--a needless question; he had not wherewith +to purchase food, much less medicine.--'But if I were once able, +madam,' said he, 'to earn what would be our passage home, I should soon +be well,--the air in Scotland is so pure, and breathes so +pleasantly!'--'You shall get home, cost what it will,' cried I, and +instantly delivered the whole contents of my purse; without considering +that it could scarcely be called mine, and that it could be replenished +only from the scanty store of her whose generosity would fain, if +possible, have made me forget that I was no longer the rich Miss Percy. + +Ignorant as I was of Greenwich and its inhabitants, I next undertook to +find medical advice. By enquiring at a shop, I obtained the address of a +Mr Sidney, to whom I immediately repaired. He was a young man of a very +prepossessing appearance, tall and handsome enough for a hero of +romance. Will it be believed that, in spite of the humbling sense of +guilt which in that hour was strong upon me, my besetting weakness made +me observe with pleasure the surprise and admiration with which my +appearance seemed to fill this stranger? But vanity, though powerful in +me, was no longer unresisted. I pulled my bonnet over my face; nor once +again looked up while I conducted Sidney to the abode of his new +patient. + +I cannot express the horror which I felt, when, after examining the +situation of the poor man, Sidney informed me, in a whisper, that no aid +could save his life. I turned faint; and, to save myself from sinking to +the ground, retreated to the door for air. At that moment, I overheard +Sidney ask, 'Who is that angel?' and the term, applied to one who was +little less than a murderer, sharpened the stab of conscience. I hastily +turned to proclaim my name, and submit myself to the execrations of this +injured family; but I wanted courage for the confession, and the words +died upon my lips. + +The disfigured infant next engaged Sidney's attention. He discovered +that the mother had, according to what I have since found to be the +custom of her country, aggravated the dreadful disease, by loading her +unhappy child with all the clothes she could command, and carefully +defending him from the fresh air. She had even deprived herself of food, +that she might procure ardent spirits, which she compelled the hapless +being to swallow; to drive, as she expressed it, 'the small-pox from his +heart.' Yet this poor woman, so ignorant of the treatment of the most +common disorder, possessed, as I afterwards found, a knowledge of the +principles of religion, and an acquaintance with the scope of its +doctrines and precepts, which, at that time, appeared to me very +wonderful in a person of her rank. They are, however, less surprising to +me since I became a denizen of Scotland. + +But to close a tale, on which its strong impression on my mind has +perhaps made me dwell too long, the boy, by means of better treatment, +recovered; his father's disease was beyond the reach of human skill. One +day, while I was in the act of holding a cordial to his lips, he fell +back; and, with a momentary struggle, expired. The little ingenious +works which I had been taught at school, were, for the first time, +employed by me to a useful purpose, when his widow and children were +enabled, by the sale of them, to procure a passage to Scotland. + +I cannot express the effect which this incident had upon my mind. A new +load of guilt seemed to oppress me. I perceived that actions and habits +might have tendencies unsuspected by the agent; that the influence of a +fault,--venial, perhaps, in the eyes of the transgressor,--might reach +the character and fate of those who are not within the compass of his +thoughts; and, therefore, that the real evil of sin could be known only +to Him, by whom effects which as yet exist not are traced through their +eternal course. Thus a fearful addition of 'secret sins' was made to all +those with which conscience could distinctly charge me; and my +examinations of my past conduct were like the descent into a dismal +cavern, where every step discloses some terrifying sight, and all that +is imperfectly distinguished in the gloom is imagined to be still more +appalling. + +It is true, I had resolved upon a better course of life; but my +resolutions were very partially kept; nor, had it been otherwise, could +present submission atone for past disobedience. Even my best actions, +when weighed in the right balance, were 'found wanting,' and rather in +need of forgiveness than deserving of reward. My best efforts seemed but +the sacrifice of the ignorant Indian, who vows to his god an ingot of +gold, and then gilds a worthless offering to defraud him. Nor had they, +in truth, one vestige of real worth, void as they still were of that +which gives a value to things of small account. It is the fire from +heaven which distinguishes the acceptable sacrifice. + +Who that had seen me under the depression which these convictions +occasioned could have imagined that I had entered on 'ways of +pleasantness,' and 'paths of peace?' Anxious and fearful,--seeking rest, +and finding none, because remaining pride prevented me from seeking it +where alone it was to be found,--I struggled hard to escape the +convictions which were forced upon my conscience. I opposed to the +truths of religion a hundred objections which had never before occurred +to me, only because the subject was new to my thoughts; and I +recollected an infinity of the silly jests, and ridiculous associations, +by which unhappy sinners try to hide from themselves the dignity of that +which they are predetermined to despise. I remember, with amazement, +Miss Mortimer's patience in replying to the oft-refuted objection; +oft-refuted, I say, because I am certain that far more ingenuity than I +can boast would be necessary to invent, upon this subject, a cavil which +has not been answered again and again. Far from desiring me, however, to +rely upon her authority, she recommended to me such books as she thought +likely to secure my rational assent to the truth; carefully reminding +me, at the same time, that they could do no more, and that mere rational +assent fell far short of that faith to which such mighty effects are +ascribed. The direct means of obtaining a gift, she said, was to ask it; +and faith she considered as a gift. + +'To what purpose,' said I to her one day, after I had laboured through +Butler's Analogy, and Macknight's Truth of the Gospel History,--'to what +purpose should I perplex myself with these books, when you own that some +of the best Christians you have ever known were persons who had never +thought of reasoning upon the evidences of their faith?'--'Because, my +dear,' answered Miss Mortimer, 'the exercise of your highest natural +faculties upon your religion is calculated to fix it in your mind, and +endear it to your affections. It is true, that piety as pure and as +efficient as any I ever knew, I have witnessed in persons who had no +leisure, and perhaps no capacity for reasoning themselves into a +conviction of the historical truth of Christianity. The author of faith +is not bound to any particular method of bestowing his gift. He may, and +I believe often does, compensate for the means which he withholds; but +this gives no ground to suppose that he will make up for those which we +neglect.' + +Through Miss Mortimer's persuasion, I steadily persevered in this line +of study; and, if my understanding possesses any degree of soundness or +vigour, it is to be attributed to this discipline. My education, if the +word signify learning what is afterwards to be useful, was now properly +beginning; and every day added something to my very slender stock of +information. My friend, who was herself no mean proficient in general +literature, encouraged me to devote many of my leisure hours to books of +instruction and harmless entertainment; and our evenings were commonly +enlivened by reading history, travels, or criticism. + +Leisure, like other treasures, is best husbanded when it is least +abundant; and it was no longer entirely at my command. I still retained +enough of the spirit of Ellen Percy, to hold dependence in rather more +than Christian scorn,--yet to be ashamed of openly contributing to my +own subsistence. In how many shapes does our ruling passion assail us! +If we resist it in the form of vice, it will even put on the semblance +of virtue. I firmly believed at that time, that a virtuous motive alone +induced me to escape, by means of my own labour, from all necessity for +applying to the funds of Miss Mortimer; and I forgot to enquire into the +reason why my work was always privately done, and privately disposed of. + +The manufacture of a variety of ingenious trifles now become useful by +ministering to my own wants and those of others,--the share I took in +Miss Mortimer's charitable employments,--hours of devotion and serious +study, reading, and often writing abstracts of what I read,--left no +portion of my time for weariness. But had I been deprived of all bodily +employment, the very condition of my mind precluded ennui. I was full of +one concern of overwhelming importance. At one time, the truth shone +upon me, gladdening me to rapture with its brightness; at another, error +darkened my sinking soul, and I was eager in my search for light. Alas! +our infirmity loads with many a cloud the dawning even of that true +light which 'shineth more and more unto the perfect day.' The natural +warmth of my temper, and my long-confirmed habit of yielding to all its +impulses, often hurried me into little superstitious austerities, +needless scruples, and vehement disputes, which, had they been exposed +to common eyes, would have drawn upon me the derision of some, and the +suspicion of others; but fortunately Miss Mortimer had few visiters, and +my foibles were little seen, except by one who could discover errors in +religious judgment, without imputing them either to fanaticism or +hypocrisy. + +My altercations, for discourse in which passion is permitted to mingle +cannot deserve the name of argument, were chiefly carried on with +Sidney; who, from the time of his assistance to the Campbells, had +become a frequent guest at Miss Mortimer's. His dispositions were +amiable, his character unblemished; but his opinions upon some lesser +points of doctrine differed widely from mine. This he happened one day +accidentally to betray; and I, with the rashness which inclines us to +fancy all lately-discovered truths to be of equal importance, combated +what I considered as his fatal heresy. Sidney, with great good-humour, +rather excited me to speak; perhaps for the same reason as he taught his +dog to quarrel with him for his glove. + +Miss Mortimer never took part in our disputations, not even by a look. +'How can you,' said I to her one day, when he had just left us, 'suffer +such opinions to be advanced without contradiction?' + +'I am afraid of losing my temper,' answered she with an arch smile; 'and +that I am sure is forbidden in terms more explicit than Mr Sidney's +heresy.' + +'And would you have me,' cried I, instantly sensible of the implied +reproof, 'seem to approve what I know to be false?' + +'No, my dear,' returned Miss Mortimer; 'but perhaps you might disapprove +without disputing; and I think it is not obscurely hinted by the highest +authority, that the modest example of a Christian woman is likely to be +more convincing than her arguments. Besides, though we are most zealous +in our new opinions, we are most steady in our old ones; therefore I +believe, that, upon consideration, you will see it best to ensure your +steadiness for the present, and to husband your zeal for a time when it +will be more likely to fail.' + +When I was cool, I perceived that my friend was in the right; and, by a +strong effort, I thenceforth forbore my disputes with Sidney; to which +forbearance it probably was owing, that he soon after became my declared +admirer. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + _Shift not thy colour at the sound of death! + For death---- + Seems not a blank to me; a loss of all + Those fond sensations,--those enchanting dreams, + Which cheat a toiling world from day to day, + And form the whole of happiness it knows. + Death is to me perfection, glory, triumph!_ + + Thomson. + + +Sidney's overtures cost me some hesitation. They were unquestionably +disinterested; and they were made with a plainness rather prepossessing +to one who had so lately experienced the hollowness of more flowery +profession. Nothing could be objected to his person, manners, or +reputation. Miss Mortimer's ill health rendered the protection I enjoyed +more than precarious. Honourable guardianship, and plain sufficiency, +offered me a tempting alternative to labour and dependence. But I was +not in love; and as I had no inclination to marry, I had leisure to see +the folly of entering upon peculiar and difficult duties, while I was +yet a novice in those which are binding upon all mankind. Sidney had, +indeed, by that natural and involuntary hypocrisy, which assumes for the +time the sentiments of a beloved object, convinced me that he was of a +religious turn of mind; and from his avowed heresies I made no doubt of +being able to reclaim him; but he wanted a certain masculine dignity of +character, which had, I scarcely knew how, become a _sine qua non_ in my +matrimonial views. These things considered, I decided against Sidney; +and it so happened, that this decision was formed in an hour after I had +received a long and friendly letter from Mr Maitland. + +Now this letter did not contain one word of Maitland's former avowal; +nor one insinuation of affection, which might not, with equal propriety, +have been expressed by my grandmother. But it spoke a strong feeling for +my misfortunes; a kindly interest in my welfare; it represented the +duties and the advantages of my new condition; and reminded me, that, in +so far as independence is attainable by man, it belongs to every one who +can limit his desires to that which can be purchased by his labour. + +'I see no advantage in being married,' said I, rousing myself from a +reverie into which I had fallen after the third reading of my letter. +'Mr Maitland can advise me as well as any husband could; and in ten or a +dozen years hence, I might make myself very useful to him too. I might +manage his household, and amuse him; and there could be nothing absurd +in that after we were both so old.' + +'Not quite old enough for that sort of life, I am afraid,' said Miss +Mortimer, smiling. 'If, indeed, Mr Maitland were to marry, the woman of +his choice would probably be an invaluable protector to you.' + +'Oh he won't marry. I am sure he will not; and I wonder, Miss Mortimer, +what makes you so anxious to dispose of all your favourites? For my +part, I hate to hear of people being married.' + +I thought there was meaning in Miss Mortimer's half suppressed smile; +but she did not raise her eyes, and only answered good humouredly, that, +'indeed, all her matrimonial plans for the last twenty years had been +for others.' + +Some expressions of curiosity on my part now drew from Miss Mortimer a +narrative of her uneventful life; which, as it is connected with the +little I knew of Mr Maitland's, and with the story of my mother's early +days, I shall give in my own words:-- + +Miss Mortimer and my mother were hereditary friends. Their fathers +fought side by side,--their mothers became widows together.--Together +the surviving parents retired to quiet neglect, and mutually devoted +themselves to the duties which still remained for them. Those which fell +to the lot of Mrs Warburton were the more difficult; for, while a +moderate patrimony placed the only child of her friend above dependence, +it was her task to reconcile to poverty and toil the high spirit of a +youth of genius; and to arm, for the rude encounters of the world, a +being to whom gentleness made them terrible, to whom beauty increased +their danger. + +The splendid progress of young Warburton's education had been the boast +of his teachers,--the delight of his parents,--the pride, the only pride +of his sister's heart. But his father's death blasted the fair prospect. +The widow's pittance could not afford to her son the means of +instruction; and from the pursuit of knowledge,--the pleasures of +success,--and the hopes of distinction,--poor Warburton unwillingly +turned to earn, by the toil of the day, the support which was to fit him +for the toil of the morrow. Disgusted and desponding, he yet refrained +from aggravating by complaint the sorrows of his mother and his sister. +To Miss Mortimer, the companion of his childhood, he mourned his +disappointed ambition, and was heard with sympathy; he deplored the +failure of hopes more interesting, and won something more than pity. + +In the counting-house, which was the scene of his cheerless labour, he +found, however, a friend; and Maitland, though nearly seven years +younger than he, gained first his respect, and then his affection. + +Maitland, while thus in age a boy, was a tall, vigorous, hardy +mountaineer. His nerves had been braced by toilsome exercise and +inclement skies; his strong mind had gained power under a discipline +which allowed no other rest than change of employment. He had left his +native land, and renounced his paternal home, in compliance with the +will of his parents, and the caprice of his uncle, who, upon these +conditions, offered him the reversion of a splendid affluence. His +country he remembered with the virtuous partiality which so strongly +distinguishes, and so well becomes, her children. Of his paternal home +he seldom spoke. Silent and shy, he escaped the smile of vulgar scorn, +which would have avenged the confession that the bribes of fortune +poorly repaid the endearments of brethren and friends; that all the +charms of spectacle and song could not please like the rude verse which +first taught him the legends of a gallant ancestry; that all the +treasures of art he would have gladly exchanged for permission to bend +once more from the precipice which no foot but his had ever dared to +climb, or linger once more in the valley whose freshness had rewarded +his first infant adventure. Curiosity is feeble in the busy and the gay. +No one asked, no one heard the story of Maitland's youth; and Warburton +alone knew the full cost of a sacrifice too great and too painful to be +made a theme with strangers. Maitland the elder, retaining his national +prejudice in favour of a liberal education, permitted his nephew to +pursue and enlarge his studies under the inspection of a man of sense +and learning; designing to send him at a proper age to the university. +Meanwhile he required him to spend a few hours daily in attendance upon +his future profession. + +In Maitland, young as he was, Warburton found a companion who could task +his mind to its full strength. In classical acquirements, Maitland was +already little inferior to his friend; and, if he had less imagination, +he had more acuteness and sagacity. Enduring in quiet scorn the derision +which his provincial accent excited in the sharers of his humbler +lessons, he was pleased to find in Warburton manners more congenial with +his own habits. The young scholars had subjects of mutual interest in +which the others could not sympathise. The few hours which Maitland +spent daily in the counting-house, alone broke the dull monotony of +Warburton's labour; and Warburton alone listened with the enthusiasm +which unlocks the heart, to Maitland's descriptions of his native +scenes, of torrents roaring from the precipice, and woods dishevelled by +the storm. They became friends, and Warburton confided his lost hopes, +and bewailed the untimely close of his attainments. The hardier mind of +Maitland suggested a remedy for the evil. He advised his friend to earn +by severer toil, and to save by stricter parsimony, a fund which might +in time afford the advantage of a college life. From that hour he +himself gave the example of the toil and the parsimony which he +recommended. He abridged his rest, he renounced his recreations for the +drudgery of translating for a bookseller. The allowance which he had +been accustomed to spend, he hoarded with a miser's care. He was invited +to share the pleasures of his companions, and resolutely refused. He +listened to hints of his penurious temper, and deigned no other answer +than a smile. But, when he was better known, few were so unprincipled as +to find in him the subject of a jest, and fewer still so daring as to +betray their scorn; for Maitland possessed, even then, qualities which +ensure command,--integrity which no bribe could warp,--decision which +feared no difficulty,--penetration which admitted of no disguise. After +two years of silent perseverance, he presented to his friend the fruits +of his self-denial, and was more than recompensed when Warburton +accompanied him to Oxford. + +It was a few months before the completion of this arrangement, that Mr +Percy, taking shelter from a shower in a parish church at the hour of +morning prayer, was captivated by the beauty, the modesty, and the +devotion of Frances Warburton. He followed her home; obtained an +introduction; and soon made proposals, with little form and much +liberality. Frances shrunk from her new lover; for a difference of +thirty years in their ages was the least point of their dissimilarity. +The lover, sensible of no disparity but such as a settlement might +counterbalance, enlarged his offers. He would have scorned to let any +expectation outgo his liberality. He promised competence for life to her +mother, and Frances faltered in her refusal. Mrs Warburton did not use +direct persuasion; but she sometimes lamented to her daughter that +poverty should mar the promise of her Edmund's genius. 'Had he but one +friend,' said she, 'even one to encourage or assist him, he would yet be +the glory of my old age.'--'He shall have a friend,' returned the +weeping Frances;--and she married Mr Percy. + +But the sacrifice was unavailing. Young Warburton was not destined to +need such aid as riches can give, nor to attain such advancement as +riches can buy. His constitution, already broken by confinement, was +unequal to his more willing exertions; yet, insensible to his danger, he +pursued his enticing bane; rejected the friendly warning which told him +that he was labouring his life away; and was one morning found dead in +his study; the essay lying before him which was that day to have +introduced him to fame and fortune. + +Miss Mortimer and her friend suffering together, became the more +endeared to each other. My mother, indeed, had found a new object of +interest; and she transferred a part, perhaps too large a part, of her +widowed affections to her child. Miss Mortimer raised hers to a better +world; and recalled them to this fleeting scene no more. + +Maitland, defended from the dangers of a university by steady principles +and habits of application, passed safely, even at Oxford, the perilous +years between boyhood and majority; then turned his attention to studies +more peculiarly belonging to his intended profession. He visited the +greatest commercial cities upon the Continent; conversed with the most +enlightened of their merchants; and, far from limiting his inquiries to +the mere means of gain, he embraced in his comprehensive mind all the +mutual relations and mutual benefits of trading nations. At the age of +twenty-five he returned home, to take a principal share in the direction +of one of the greatest mercantile houses in Britain. Before he was +thirty, the death of his uncle had put him in possession of a noble +independence, and left him chief partner in a concern which promised to +realise the wildest dreams of avarice. But the love of wealth had no +place in Maitland's soul. A small part of his princely revenue sufficed +for one whose habits were frugal, whose pleasures were simple, whose +tastes were domestic. The remainder stole forth in many a channel; like +unseen rills, betraying its course only by the riches which it brought. + +Awake, as he ever was, to the claims of justice and humanity, it was not +personal interest that could shield the slave trade from the reprobation +of Maitland. He conquered his retiring nature that, in the senate of his +country, he might lend his testimony against this foulest of her crimes; +and when that senate stilled the general cry with a poor promise of +distant reform, he blushed for England and for human kind. Somewhat of +the same honest shame he felt at the recollection that he was himself +the proprietor of many hundreds of his fellow-creatures; and when he +found that his public exertions in their cause did not avail, he braved +the danger of a pestilent climate to mitigate the evil which he could +not cure, and to gain, by personal investigation, knowledge which might +yet be useful in better times. + +Such was Maitland. I dwell upon his character with mingled pleasure and +regret: pleasure, perhaps, not untainted with womanly vanity; regret, +that, when I might have shared the labours, the virtues, the love of his +noble soul, a senseless vanity made me cold to his affection,--a mean +coquetry wrecked me in his esteem! I might once, indeed, have bound him +to me for ever; but it was now plain that he had cast off his inglorious +shackles. Although I answered his letter, he showed no intention of +continuing our correspondence, and to Miss Mortimer he noticed me only +as a common friend; nor did he ever mention his return to Britain as +likely to take place before the lapse of many years. + +Warned by the consequences of my past folly, and beginning now to act, +however imperfectly, by the only rule which will ever lead us to uniform +justice, I had no sooner formed my resolution in regard to Sidney, than +I gave him an opportunity of learning my sentiments. I will not deny +that this cost me an effort, for I was afraid of losing a pleasant +acquaintance; and besides, as the young gentleman was sentimentally in +love, his little anxieties and tremours were really, in spite of myself, +amusing. But vanity, though unconquerably rooted in me by nature and +habit, was no longer overlooked as a venial error. I struggled against +it, as a part of that selfish, earth-born spirit, which was altogether +inconsistent with my new profession, and which except at the moment of +temptation, seemed now too despicable to bias the actions even of an +infant. Sidney was a man of sense; and therefore, by a very few efforts +of firmness I convinced him that he could be nothing more. + +Nor did the explanation occasion even a temporary suspension of our +intercourse. Unfortunately, his professional visits were become +necessary to Miss Mortimer; and with me he had long before started a +topic, amply compensating that which I had interdicted. He had an +excellent chemical library, and a tolerable apparatus. By means of +these, and a degree of patience not to be expected from any man but a +lover, he contrived to initiate me into the first rudiments of a +science, which has no detriment except its unbounded power of enticing +those who pursue it. By informing me what I might read with advantage, +he saved me the time which I might have lost in making the discovery +myself; and though he had not always leisure to watch my progress, he +could direct me what to attempt. After all, it must be confessed that my +attainments in chemistry were contemptible; but even this feeble +beginning of a habit of patient enquiry was invaluable. Besides, in the +course of my experiments, I made a discovery infinitely more important +to me than that of latent heat or galvanism; namely, that the prospect +of exhibition is not necessary to the interest of study. + +Nothing is more important in its issue, nothing more dull in relation, +than a life of quiet and regular employment. A narrative of my first +year's residence with Miss Mortimer would be a mere detail of feelings +and reflections, mixed with confessions of a thousand instances of +rashness, impatience, and pride. My original blemishes were still +conspicuous enough to establish my identity; yet one momentous change +had taken place, for those blemishes were no longer unobserved or +wilful. I had become more afraid of erring than of seeing my +error,--more anxious to escape from my faults than from my conscience. +Not that her rebukes were become more gentle: on the contrary, an +unutterable sense of depravity and ingratitude was added to my +self-accusings; for, in receiving the forgiveness of a father, I had +awakened to the feelings of a child, and in every act of disobedience I +sinned against all the affections of my soul. Let it not be objected to +religion, if my judgment was disproportioned to the force of sentiments +like these; and if, though no devotion can be extravagant in its degree, +mine was sometimes indiscreet in its expression. The fault lay in my +education, not in my faith. Christianity justly claims for her own the +'spirit of a sound mind;' but that spirit dwells most frequently with +those whose devout feelings have been accustomed to find their chief +vent in virtuous actions. + +My walk happened one day to lead near a dissenting chapel; and the +eagerness to hear which characterises recent converts made me join the +multitude who thronged the entrance. 'The truth,' thought I, 'is +despised by the gay and the giddy; but to me it shall be welcome, come +when it will.' Was there nothing pharisaical in the temper of this +welcome? In spite, however, of the liberality for which I was applauding +myself, my expectations were influenced by my early prejudices; and I +presupposed the preacher, zealous indeed, but loud, stern, and +inelegant. Surprise, therefore, added force to my impressions. The +unadorned pulpit was occupied by a youth not yet in his prime, nor +destined, as it seemed, ever to reach that period. The bloom of youth +had given place in his countenance to a wandering glow, that came and +went with the mind's or the body's fever. His bright blue eyes--now cast +down in humility, now flashing with rapturous hope--had never shone with +less gentle fires. His manner had the mild seriousness of entreaty,--his +composition the careless vigour of genius; or rather the eloquence of +one, who, feeling the essential glory of truth, thinks not of decking +her with tinsel. + +Reasoning must convince the understanding, and a power which neither +human reasoning nor human eloquence can boast must bend the will to +goodness; but that which comes from the heart will, for a time at least, +reach the heart. Mine was strongly moved. The novel simplicity of +form,--the fervour of extemporary prayer,--the zeal of the youthful +teacher, his faithful descriptions of a debasement which I strongly +felt, his unqualifying application of the only medicine which can +minister to this mortal disease,--roused me at once to all the energy of +passion. I abhorred the coldness of my ordinary convictions; and, +compared with what I now felt, disparaged the impression of regular +instruction. I forgot, or I had yet to learn, that the genuine spirit of +the Gospel is described as the 'spirit of peace,' not of rapture; that +the heavenly weapon is not characterised as dazzling us with its lustre, +but as 'bringing into captivity every thought.' Feeling an increase of +heat, I rashly inferred that I had received an accession of light; and +immediately resolved to join the favoured congregation of a pastor so +useful. + +My recollection of the prejudice which confounds in one undistinguishing +charge of fanaticism many thousands of virtuous and sober-minded persons +rather strengthened that resolution; for fire and faggot are not the +only species of persecution which arms our natural feelings on the side +of the suffering cause. I gloried in the thought of sharing contempt +for conscience-sake; and longed with more, it must be owned, of zeal +than of humility, to enter upon this minor martyrdom. + +That very evening I announced my purpose to my friend, in a tone of +premature triumph. Miss Mortimer was so habitually averse to +contradicting, that I was obliged to interpret into dissent the grave +silence in which she received my communication. Dissent I might have +borne, but not such dissent as barred all disputation; and I entered on +a warm defence of my sentiments, as if they had been attacked. Miss +Mortimer waited the subsiding of that part of my warmth which belonged +to mere temper; then gave a mild but firm opinion. 'It had been +allowed,' she told me, 'by an author of equal candour and acuteness, +that "there is, perhaps, no establishment so corrupt as not to make the +bulk of mankind better than they would be without it." Our countenance, +therefore,' she said, 'to the establishment of the country in which we +lived was a debt we owed to society; unless, indeed, the higher duty +which we owed to God were outraged by the doctrines of the national +church. As for mere form, it had always,' she said, 'appeared to her +utterly immaterial, except as it served to express or to strengthen +devotion; therefore, it seemed unnecessary to forsake a ritual which had +been found to answer these purposes. If the ordinances, as administered +by our church, were less efficacious to me than they had been to others, +she would wish me to examine whether this were not owing to some +unobserved error in my manner of using them; but if, after diligent +attention, humble self-examination, and earnest prayer for guidance, I +continued to find the national worship unsuitable to my particular case, +she might regret, but she could not condemn, my secession; since I +should then be not only privileged, but bound, to forsake her +communion.' + +The time was not long past, since even this mild resistance would have +only confirmed me in a favourite purpose; but I was becoming less +confident in my own judgment, and Miss Mortimer's consistent worth had +established an influence over me beyond even that to which my +obligations entitled her. Though her natural abilities were merely +respectable, her opinions upon every point of duty had such precision +and good sense that, without being aware of it, I leant upon her +judgment of right and wrong, as naturally as the infant trusts his first +unsteady steps to his mother's sustaining hand. She prevailed upon me to +pause, ere I forsook the forms in which my fathers had worshipped; and +though her own principle has since connected me with a church of +simpler government and ritual, I have never seen reason to repent of the +delay. + +And now, deprived as I was of all the baubles which I had once imagined +necessary to comfort, almost to existence, I was nearer to happiness +than I had ever been while in the full enjoyment of all that pleasure, +wealth, and flattery can bestow; for I now possessed all the materials +of such happiness as this state of trial admits,--good health, constant +employment, the necessaries of this life, and the steady hope of a +better. And let the lover of pleasure, the slave of Mammon, the sage who +renounces the light of heaven for the spark which himself has kindled, +smile in scorn whilst I avow, that I at times felt rapture, compared +with which their highest triumph of success is tame. I can bear the +smile, for I know that they are compelled to mingle it with a sigh; that +they envy the creature whom they affect to scorn; and wish--vainly wish, +that they could choose the better part. + +The bitter drop which is found in every cup, was infused into mine by +the increasing illness of Miss Mortimer; and by a strong suspicion, that +poverty aggravated to her the evils of disease. This latter +circumstance, however, was conjectural; for Miss Mortimer, though +confidingly open with me upon every other subject, was here most +guarded. From the restraint visibly laid upon inclinations which I knew +to be liberal in the extreme,--from my friend's obstinate refusal to +indulge in any of the little luxuries which sickness and debility +require,--from many trifles which cannot evade the eye of an inmate, I +began to form conjectures which I soon accidentally discovered to be but +too well founded. A gentleman happened to make a visit of business to +Miss Mortimer one day when she was too much indisposed to receive him; +and he incautiously committed to me a message for her, by which I +discovered, that her whole patrimony had been involved in the ruin of my +father; that, except the income of the current year, which she had +fortunately rescued a few weeks before the wreck, she had lost all; +that, while she made exertions beyond her strength to seek and to +comfort me, while she soothed my sullen despair, she was herself +shrinking before the gaunt aspect of poverty; and that, while she +contrived for me indulgences which she denied to herself, her generous +soul abhorred to divulge what might have rendered my feeling of +dependence more painful. + +When the certainty of all this burst upon me, I felt as if I had been in +some sort responsible for the injury which my father had inflicted; and, +overwhelmed with a sense of most undeserved obligation, I almost sunk +to the ground. The moment I recovered myself, I flew to my friend, and +with floods of tears, and the most passionate expressions of gratitude, +I protested that I would no longer be a burden upon her generosity; and +besought her to consider of some situation in which I might earn my +subsistence. But Miss Mortimer resisted my proposal upon grounds which I +felt it impossible to dispute. 'I cannot spare you yet, my dear child,' +said she. 'I have been assured, that in a very few months you must be at +liberty; but you will not leave me yet!--you will not leave me to die +alone.' + +This was the first intimation which I had received of the inevitable +fate of one whose gentle virtues and unwearied kindness had centered in +herself all my widowed affections; and it wholly overpowered the +fortitude which not an hour before I had thought invincible. I hurried +from human sight, while I mingled with bitter cries a passionate +entreaty, that I might suffer any thing rather than the loss of my only +friend. We often ask in folly; but we are answered in wisdom. The decree +was gone forth; and no selfish entreaties availed to detain the saint +from her reward. When the first emotions were past, I saw, and +confessed, that a petition such as mine, clothed in whatever language, +was wanting in the very nature of prayer; which has the promise of +obtaining what we need, not of extorting what we desire. + +In the present situation of my friend, it was impossible for me to +forsake her; yet I could not endure to feel myself a burden upon the +little wreck which the misfortunes or imprudence of my family had left +her. Hour after hour I pondered the means of making my labour answer to +my subsistence. But there my early habits were doubly against me. +Accustomed to seek in trifling pastimes relaxation from employment +scarcely less trifling, perseverance in mere manual industry was to me +almost impossible. Habituated to confound the needful with the +desirable, I had no idea how large a proportion of what we think +necessary to the decencies of our station belongs solely to the wants of +our fancy. My highest notion of economy in dress went no farther than +the relinquishing of ornament; therefore, all my little works of +ingenuity were barely sufficient to supply my own wardrobe, and another +channel of expense which I had of late learnt to think at least as +necessary. I saw no means, therefore, of escaping my dependence upon +Miss Mortimer. Yet it made me miserable to think, that, for my sake, she +must deny herself the necessaries of decaying life. + +My heart gave a bound as my eye chanced to be caught by the sparkle of +my mother's ring, and I recollected that its value might relieve my +unwilling pressure upon my friend. But when I had looked at it till a +thousand kindly recollections rose to my mind, my courage failed; and I +thought it impossible to part with the memorial of my first and fondest +attachment. Again my obligations to Miss Mortimer,--the rights of my +mother's friend,--the dread of subtracting from the few comforts of a +life which was so soon to close, upbraided my reluctance to sacrifice a +selfish feeling; but a casuistry, which has often aided me against +disagreeable duty, made me judge it best to act deliberately; and thus +to defer indefinitely what I could neither willingly do, nor peacefully +leave undone. + +My decision, however, was hastened by one of those accidents which, I am +ashamed to say, have determined half the actions of my life. The next +morning, as I was reading to Miss Mortimer in her ground parlour, a +woman came to the window offering for sale a basket of beautiful fruit. +Fruit had been recommended as a medicine to my friend. I fancied, too, +though perhaps it was only fancy, that she looked wistfully at it; and +when she turned away without buying any, the scalding tears rushed to my +eyes. Hastily producing the money which I had privately received for +some painted screens, I heaped all the finest fruit before Miss +Mortimer; and when, in spite of her mild remonstrances, I had laid out +almost my whole fortune, I was seized with a sudden impatience to visit +London; and thither I immediately went, promising to return before +night. + +I began my journey with a heavy heart. A stage-coach, the only +conveyance suited to my circumstances, was quite new to me; and I shrunk +with some alarm from companions, much like those usually to be met with +in such vehicles, vulgar, prying, and communicative. Finding, however, +that they offered me no incivility, I re-assured myself; and began to +consider what price I was likely to obtain for my ring, and how I might +best present my offering to Miss Mortimer. The first of these points I +settled more agreeably to my wishes than to truth; the second was still +undetermined when the coach stopped. Then I first recollected, that, +with my usual inconsiderateness, I had not left myself the means of +hiring a conveyance through the town. I had therefore no choice but to +walk alone in some of the most crowded streets of the city. + +And now I had some cause for the alarm that seized me, for I was more +than once boldly accosted; and, ere I reached the shop where I intended +to offer my ring, I was so thoroughly discomposed, that I entered +without observing an equipage of the De Burghs at the door. + +The shop was full of gay company; but one figure alone fixed my +attention. It was that of my heartless friend. I recoiled like one who +treads upon a serpent. My first impulse was to fly; but ere I had time +to retreat, a deadly sickness arrested my steps; and I stood motionless +and crouching towards the earth, as if struck by the power of the +basilisk. A person belonging to the shop, who came to enquire my +commands, seeing me, I suppose, ready to sink, offered me a chair; upon +which I unconsciously dropped, still unable to withdraw my gaze from my +apostate friend. Presently I almost started from my seat as her eye met +mine. Her deepening colour alone told that she recognized me; for she +instantly turned away. + +Indignation now began to displace the stupor which had seized me. 'Shall +I let this unfeeling creature see,' thought I, 'that she has power to +move me thus? Or shall I tamely slink away, as if it were I who should +dread the glance of reproach?--as if it were I who had stabbed the heart +which trusted me?' My breast swelling with pain, pride, and resentment, +I arose; and walking across the shop with steps as stately as if I had +been about to purchase all the splendours it contained, I began to +transact the business which brought me thither. My attention, however, +was so much pre-occupied, that I was scarcely sensible of surprise when +the jeweller named five-and-twenty pounds as the price of my ring; a sum +less than one third of what I had expected. + +I now perceived that Miss Arnold accompanied Lady Maria de Burgh. They +talked familiarly together, and I was probably their subject; for Lady +Maria stared full upon me, though her companion did not venture another +glance towards the spot where I stood. Not satisfied with her arrogant +scrutiny, Lady Maria, as if curious to know whether I were the buyer or +the seller, made some pretence for approaching close to me, though +without any sign of recognition. I had a hundred times abjured my enmity +to Lady Maria. I had wept over it as ungrateful, unchristian. In +cool-blooded solitude I had vowed a hundred times, that, having been +forgiven a debt of ten thousand talents, I would never more wrangle for +trifles with my fellow-servants. But when I was fretted with the insults +of strangers, and sore with the unkindness of my early friend, when +perhaps my pride was wounded by the circumstances in which she was about +to detect me, her Ladyship's little impertinence, attacking me on the +weak side, stirred at once the gall of my temper. Suspending a bargain +which, indeed, I did not wish her to witness, 'Pray,' said I to the +shopman, 'attend in the first place to that lady's business; if indeed +she has any except to pry into mine.' + +Lady Maria, who knew by experience that she was no match for me in a war +of words, muttered something, and retreated, tossing her pretty head +with disdain. Eager to be gone, I closed with the offer which had been +made for my ring; and after delays which I thought almost endless, had +received my money, and was about to depart, when Miss Arnold, who was in +close conversation with her companion, in a distant part of the shop, +suddenly advanced, as if with an intention to accost me. I was +breathless with agitation and resentment. 'I will be cool, scornfully +cool,' thought I; 'I will show her that I can forget all my long-tried +affection, and remember only----' I turned away, and remembrance wrung +tears from me. But the formal effrontery with which she addressed me +restored in a moment my fortitude and my indignation. She excused +herself for not speaking to me sooner, by asserting that she 'really had +not observed me.' + +Scorning the paltry falsehood, 'That is no wonder, Miss Arnold,' +answered I, 'for I am much lessened since you saw me last.' + +I was moving away; but Miss Arnold, who had probably received her +instructions, detained me. 'Do stay a few minutes,' said she coaxingly, +'I have a great deal to say to you. Lady Maria will be here for an hour, +for she and Glendower are choosing their wedding finery; so if you lodge +any way hereabouts, I can take the carriage and set you down.' + +The days of my credulous inadvertence were past; and, at once perceiving +the drift of this proposal, I answered with ineffable scorn, 'If you or +Lady Maria have any curiosity to know my present situation, you may be +gratified without hazarding your reputation by being seen with a +runaway. I live with Miss Mortimer.' + +I think Miss Arnold had the grace to blush, but I did not wait to +examine. I hurried away; threw myself into the first hackney coach I +could find; and returned home, exhausted and dispirited. I was +dissatisfied with myself. The time had been when I should have thought +the impertinence of a rival, the cool effrontery and paltry cunning of +Miss Arnold, sufficient justification of any degree of resentment or +contempt; but now I needed only the removal of temptation to remind me +how unsuitable were scorn and anger to the circumstances of one who was +herself so undeservedly, so lately, and still so imperfectly reclaimed. +I firmly resolved, that if ever I should again meet Miss Arnold or her +new protectress, I should treat them with that cool, guarded courtesy +which is the unalienable right of all human kind. The strength of this +resolution was not immediately tried. All my resentments had time to +subside before I again saw or heard of my false friend. + +Indeed, my seclusion now became more complete than ever; for Miss +Mortimer's malady, the increase of which she had hitherto endeavoured to +conceal from me, suddenly became so severe as to baffle all disguise. +Yet it was no expression of impatience which betrayed her. For four +months I scarcely quitted her bed-side, by day or by night. During this +long protracted season of suffering, neither cry nor groan escaped her. +Often have I wiped the big drops of agony from her forehead; but she +never complained. She was more than patient; the settled temper of her +mind was thankfulness. The decay of its prison-house seemed only to give +the spirit a foretaste for freedom. Timid by nature, beyond the usual +fearfulness of her sex, she yet endured pain, not with the iron +contumacy of a savage, but with the submission of filial love. The +approach of death she watched more in the spirit of the conqueror than +the victim; yet she expressed her willingness to linger on till +suffering should have extinguished every tendency to self-will, and +helplessness should have destroyed every vestige of pride. Her desire +was granted. Her trials brought with them an infallible token that they +came from a Father's hand; for her character, excellent as it had +seemed, was exalted by suffering; and that which in life was lovely, was +in death sublime. + +At last, the great work was finished. Her education for eternity was +completed; and, from the severe lessons of this land of discipline, she +was called to the boundless improvement, the intuitive knowledge, the +glorious employments of her Father's house. One morning, after more than +ordinary suffering, I saw her suddenly relieved from pain; and, grasping +at a deceitful hope, I looked forward to no less than years of her +prolonged life. But she was not so deceived. With pity she beheld my +short-sighted reasoning. 'Dear child,' said she, 'must that sanguine +spirit cheat thee to the end? Think not now of wishing for my +life,--pray rather that my death may profit thee.' She paused for a +moment, and then added emphatically, 'Do you not every morning pray for +a blessing on the events which _that day_ will produce?' + +Long as I had anticipated this sentence, it was more than I could bear. +'This day! this very day!' I cried. 'It cannot,--it shall not be. It is +sinful in you thus to limit your days! this very day! oh, I will not +believe it;' and I threw myself upon my friend's death-bed in an agony +which belied my words. + +She gently reproved my vehemence. 'Ellen, my dear Ellen, my friend, my +comforter, how can you lament my release? Your affection has been a +blessing in my time of trial,--will you let it disturb the hour of my +rejoicing? Had I been necessary to you, my child, I hope I could have +wished for your sake to linger here; but "one thing"--only one--"is +needful." That one you have received,--and when the light of heaven has +risen upon you, can you mourn, that one feeble spark is darkened?' + +The physicians, whom I sent in haste to summon, came only to confirm her +prediction. She forced them to number the hours she had to live; and +heard with a placid smile that the morning's sun would rise in vain for +her. She bade farewell to them and to her attendants, bestowing, with +her own hand, some small memorial upon each; then gently dismissed all, +except myself and the hereditary servant who had grown old with her, and +who now watched the close of a life which she had witnessed from its +beginning. 'I saw her baptism,' said the faithful creature to me, the +big tears rolling down her furrowed face, 'and now--but it is as the +Lord will.' + +By my dying friend's own desire, she was visited by the clergyman upon +whose ministry she had attended; and with him she conversed with her +accustomed serenity, directing his attention to some of her own poor, +who were likely to become more destitute by her loss; and affectionately +commending to his care the unfortunate girl whom her death was to cast +once more friendless upon the world. + +While he read to her the office for the sick, she listened with the +steady attention of a mind in its full strength. When he came to the +words, 'Thou hast been my hope from my youth!'--'Yes!' said she; 'He has +indeed been my hope from my youth. He blessed the prayers and the +labours of my parents, so that I never remember a time when I could rest +in any other trust; yet, till now, I never knew that hope in its full +strength and brightness.' Then laying her hand, now chill with the damps +of death, upon my arm, she said with great energy, 'Ellen, I trust I can +triumphantly appeal to you whether our blessed faith brings not comfort +unspeakable;--but how strong, how suitable, how glorious its +consolations are, you will never know, till, like me, you are bereft of +all others, and, like me, find them sufficient, when all others fail.' + +Towards evening her voice became feeble, she breathed with pain, and all +her bodily powers seemed to decay. But that which was heaven-born was +imperishable. The love of God and man remained unshaken. Complaining +that her mind was grown too feeble to form a connected prayer, she bade +me repeat to her the triumphant strains in which David exults in the +care of the Good Shepherd. When I had ended, 'Yes,' said she; 'He knows +how to comfort me in the dark valley, for He has trod it before me;--and +what am I that I should die amidst the cares of kind friends, and He +amidst the taunts of his enemies! Ellen your mind is entire;--thank Him, +thank Him fervently for me, that I am mercifully dealt with.' + +As I knelt down to obey her, she laid her hand upon my head as if to +bless me. At first, she repeated after me the expressions which pleased +her, afterwards single words, then, after a long interval, the name of +Him in whom she trusted. When I rose from my knees, her eyes were +closed,--the hand which had been lifted in prayer was sunk upon her +breast. A smile of triumph lingered on her face. It was the beam of a +sun that had set. The saint had entered into rest. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + _----She hath ta'en farewell.---- + Upon her hearth the fire is dead, + The smoke in air hath vanished. + The last long lingering look is given; + The shuddering start! the inward groan! + And the pilgrim on her way is gone._ + + John Wilson. + + +As I tore myself from the remains of my friend, I felt that I had +nothing more to lose. My soul, which had so obstinately clung to the +earth, had no longer whereon to fix her hold. Words cannot describe the +moment when, having assisted in the last sad office of woman, I was led +from the chamber of death to wander through my desolate dwelling. Man +cannot utter what I felt when I left the grave of my friend, and turned +me to the solitary wilderness again. + +Yet even the agony of my grief had no likeness to the stern horror which +had once overwhelmed my soul. I was in sorrow indeed, but not in +despair; I was lonely, but not forsaken. My interests in this scene of +things were shaken,--were changed,--but not annihilated; for the world +can never be a desert while gladdened by the sensible presence of its +Maker; nor life be a blank to one who acts for eternity. The mere effort +to become resigned, forbade the listlessness of despair; and even +partial success gave some relief from uniformity of anguish. But I was +new to the lesson of resignation, and as yet faintly imbued with that +spirit which accepts with filial thankfulness the chastisements of a +father. The accents of submission were choked by those of sorrow; and +when I tried to say, 'Thy will be done,' I could only bow my head and +weep. + +It was not till the first bitterness of grief was past, that I +recollected all the cause I had to grieve. My first feeling of +desolateness was scarcely heightened by the reflection, that I was once +more cast upon the world without refuge or means of subsistence. A few +days after the death of my friend, her legal heir arrived to assert his +rights; and the will by which she had intended to secure in her cottage +a shelter for her old servant and myself was too informal to entitle us +to resist his more valid claim. The will was written with Miss +Mortimer's own hand, and expressed with all the touching solemnity of a +last address to the object of strong affection. To resist it, seemed to +me an instance of almost impious hardness of heart; and when the heir, +fretted perhaps by finding his inheritance fall so far below his +expectations, gave me notice, that I must either purchase the remainder +of the lease, or, within a month, seek another habitation, I resolved +that I would owe nothing to the forbearance of a being so callous;--that +I would instantly resign to him whatever the relentless law made his +own. + +But whither could I go? I was as friendless as the first outcast that +was driven forth a wanderer. I had no claim of gratitude, relationship, +or intimacy on any living being. The few friends of my mother who had +visited me after my return from school, I had neglected as persons of a +character too grave, and of habits too retiring for the circle in which +I desired to move. In that circle, a few months had sufficed to procure +me some hundreds of acquaintances; ages probably would not have +furnished me with one friend. My own labour, therefore, was now become +my only means of obtaining shelter or subsistence; and, foreign as the +effort was to all my habits, the struggle must be made. But how was I to +direct my attempts? What channel had the customs of society left open to +the industry of woman? The only one which seemed within my reach was the +tuition of youth; and I felt myself less dependent when I recollected my +thorough knowledge of music, and my acquaintance with other arts of +idleness. When, indeed, I considered how small a part of the education +of a rational and accountable being I was after all fitted to undertake, +I shrunk from the awful responsibility of the charge, and I fear pride +was still more averse to the task than principle; but there seemed no +alternative, and my plan was fixed. + +To enter on a state of dependence amidst scenes which had witnessed my +better fortunes,--to be recognised in a condition little removed from +servitude by those who had seen me at the summit of prosperity,--to +meet scorn in the glances of once envious rivals,--and pity in the eye +of once rejected lovers, would have furnished exercise for more humility +than I had yet attained. Almost the first resolution which I formed on +the subject was, that the scene of my labours should be far distant from +London. Other circumstances in the situation which I was about to seek, +I determined not to weigh too fastidiously; for though the most +ambiguous praise from a person of fashion is often thought sufficient +introduction to the most momentous of trusts, I had seen enough of the +world to know, that it would be difficult to obtain the office of a +teacher upon the mere strength of my acquaintance with what I pretended +to teach; and I was resolved to owe no recommendation to any of those +summer friends, by whom I seemed now utterly neglected and forgotten. + +To the clergyman, whose compassion my dying friend had claimed for me, I +explained my situation and my purpose. He showed me every kindness which +genuine benevolence could dictate,--offered to write in my behalf to a +married sister settled in a remote part of the kingdom,--and invited me +to reside in his family till I found a preferable situation. + +Meanwhile, a most unexpected occurrence placed me beyond the reach of +immediate want. Among Miss Mortimer's papers was found a sealed packet +addressed to me. It enclosed a bank-bill for 300_l._; and in the +envelope these words were written:-- + + 'My dear Ellen, use the enclosed sum without scruple and without + enquiry; for it is your own. Mine it never was, and none else has + any claim upon it. It came into my possession within this hour, + from whence you may never know; but I will conceal it till all is + over, lest you squander upon the dying that which the living will + need. + + 'E. MORTIMER.' + +I instantly conjectured that this sum was the gift of Mr Maitland. 'And +yet,' said I to myself, 'he has no interest in me now, except such as he +would take in any one whom he thought unfortunate. Perhaps--if I could +see his letters to Miss Mortimer--but I am sure his sentiments are of no +consequence to me,--only, if this money be really his, I ought +undoubtedly to restore it; and this from no impulse of pride certainly. +Is there not a wide difference between humility and meanness?' +Persuading myself, that it was quite necessary to ascertain the true +owner of the money, I obtained permission to examine the correspondence +which my friend had left behind. I found it to contain many letters from +Mr Maitland, but only one in which I was mentioned, otherwise than in +the words of common courtesy; and of that one, the tantalising caution +of my friend had spared only the following fragment:-- + +'I will not be dazzled by your pictures of your young friend's +improvement. I consider, that while you are drawing them, she is before +you; turning up her transparent cheek as she used to do, and looking up +in your face half sideways through her long black eyelashes, with that +air of arch ingenuousness that must tempt you to give her credit for +every virtue. I will not allow your partiality to blind me nor yourself +to the probability, that all her apparent progress is not real. Ellen +has warm passions and a vivid imagination; therefore, it is impossible +that she should fail to receive a strong impression from events which +have changed the whole colour of her fate. But the passions and the +imagination are not the seat of religion. Besides, admitting that she +has received a new principle of action, we must recollect, that pride +and self-indulgence are not to be cured in an hour; nor can the opposite +virtues spring without culture. The principle which guides our habits +may be suddenly changed; and perhaps no means is more frequently +employed for this change than severe calamity: but our habits themselves +are of slow growth; slowly the seeds of evil are eradicated; laboriously +the good ground is prepared; watered with the dews of heaven, the good +seed, in progress that baffles human observation, advances from the +feeble germ that scarcely rears itself from the dust, to the mature +plant which bringeth forth an hundred fold. So you see, my good friend, +I am determined to be wise; to read your encomiums with allowance; and, +having painfully escaped from danger, to be cautious how I tempt it +again. + +'The execution of my present plans must detain me in exile for years to +come; otherwise I could dream of a time when, having vanquished the +power of that strange girl over my happiness, I might venture to watch +over hers, perhaps be permitted to aid her improvement. I think I had +some slight influence over her. If it were fit that a social being +should waste feeling and affection in dreams, I could dream delightfully +of----' + +'Of what?' thought I, when I reached this provoking interruption,--and I +too began to dream. 'Does he still love me?' I asked myself. 'Can the +grave, wise Mr Maitland still remember the rosy cheek and the long black +eyelashes? Can he do no more than fly from his bane, but long after it +still?' In spite of the regulations under which I had laid my heart,--in +spite of the sorrow which weighed heavily upon it, the spirit of Ellen +Percy fluttered in it for a moment. 'But why should I smile at his +weakness, though I am myself exempt from that strange whim called love. +Yes, certainly, for ever exempt. I have not withstood Maitland to be won +by the monkey tricks and mawkish commonplace of ordinary men. "Power +over his happiness!" But for this strange coldness of heart, and my own +unpardonable folly, I might have made him happy. But that is all over +now. Now I can only wish and pray for his happiness. And if it be +necessary to his peace that he forget me, I will pray that he may. No +one heart on earth will then, indeed, beat warm to me; but the earth and +all that it contains will soon pass away.'--And I shed some tears either +over the transitory nature of all things here below, or over some +reflection not quite so well defined. + +Having perused the mutilated letter more than once, and finding my +curiosity rather stimulated than gratified by the perusal, I certainly +did not relax in the diligence with which I examined my friend's +repositories. But I could not discover one line from Mr Maitland of a +later date than six months before the death of Miss Mortimer; and I +recollected, that though she regularly received his letters, and +affected no mystery in regard to them, she never desired me to read +them, but often in my presence destroyed them with her own hand. For the +preservation of the fragment I seemed indebted to accident alone; and I +more than half suspected, that Mr Maitland's later correspondence had +purposely been concealed from the one who formed its principal subject. +I wondered at my friend's caution. 'Could she know me so little,' +thought I, 'as to fear that I should be infected by this folly of +Maitland's?--That I should be won by this involuntary second-hand sort +of courtship?--That I should be mean enough to like a man who in a +manner rejected me?' But whatever was the motive of Miss Mortimer's +caution, she had left no indication of Mr Maitland's present sentiments +towards me; nor any clue by which I could trace to him the source of my +unexpected wealth. + +Still I scarcely doubted, that I owed my three hundred pounds to the +generosity of Maitland, and I often thought of restoring the money to +him; since, considering the terms upon which we had parted, few things +could be more humiliating for me than to become a pensioner on his +bounty. But I was restrained from writing to him, by the fear that, as +possibly he had never intended to offer me such a gift, he might +consider my addressing him upon the subject as a mere device, to obtain +the renewal of an intercourse which he had voluntarily renounced. + +Besides, Miss Mortimer's bequest furnished my only means of discharging +another debt which had long occasioned me more mortification than I +could have suffered from any obligation to Mr Maitland. My degrading +debt to Lord Frederick was still unpaid; and my deliverance from +absolute and immediate want was less gratifying to me, than the power of +escaping from obligation to a wretch who had given proof of such +heartless selfishness. I, therefore, resolved to comply with my friend's +injunction to use without further enquiry the money which had so +providentially been placed within my reach; and the first purpose to +which it was devoted, was the repayment of Lord Frederick's loan, with +every shilling of interest to which law could have entitled him. The +remainder I could not help dividing with Miss Mortimer's old servant; as +the poor creature, who had grown grey in the family of my friend, had +been deprived of the bequest by which her mistress had intended to +acknowledge her services. The purchase of a few decencies which my own +wardrobe required, and the expense of a plain grave-stone to mark the +resting-place of the best of women, reduced my possessions to thirty +pounds. With this provision, which, small as it was, I owed to most +singular good fortune, I was obliged to quit the asylum which had +sheltered me from my bitterest sorrow, and had witnessed my most +substantial joys; the home which was endeared to me by the kindness of a +lost friend,--the birth-place of my better being,--the spot which was +hallowed by my first worship. + +It was on a stormy winter night, I remember it well, that I turned +weeping from the door of my only home. All day I had wandered through +the cottage; I had sat by my friend's death-bed, and laid my head upon +her pillow. I had placed her chair as she was wont to place it; had +realised her presence in every well known spot, and bidden her a +thousand and a thousand times farewell. When I left the house, the +closing door sounded as drearily as the earth which I had heard rattle +on her coffin. It seemed the signal, that I was shut out from all +familiar sights and sounds for ever. The storm that was beating on me +became, by a natural thought, the type of my after life; and when all +there seemed darkness, my mind wandered back to the sorrows of the +past. I recalled another time when the wide earth, which lodges and +supports her children of every various tribe, and opens at least in her +bosom a resting place for them all, contained no home for me. I +remembered a time when I had felt myself alone, though in the presence +of the universal Father,--destitute, in a world stored with his +bounty,--desolate, though Omnipotence was pledged to answer my cry. My +deliverance from this orphan state,--from this disastrous darkness, +rushed upon my mind. I thought upon the mighty transformation which had +gladdened the desert for me, and made the solitary place rejoice. The +cry of thanksgiving burst from my lips, although it died amidst the +storm. 'Oh Thou!' I exclaimed, 'who from pollution didst reclaim,--from +rebellion didst receive,--from despair didst revive me,--let but Thy +presence be with me; and let my path lead where it will!' + +As I passed the village churchyard, I turned to visit the grave of her +whom I had lost. The stone had been placed upon it since I had seen it +last; and I felt as if the performance of the last duty had made our +separation more complete. 'And is this all that I can do for thee, my +friend?' said I. 'Are all the kindly charities cut off between us for +ever? Hast thou, who wert so lately alive to the joys and the sorrows of +every living thing, no share in all that is done or suffered here? Hast +thou, who so lately wert my other soul, no feeling now that owns kindred +with any thought of mine?--Yes. On one theme, in one employment we can +sympathise still. We can still worship together.' Kneeling upon the +grave of my last earthly friend, I commended myself to a heavenly one, +and was comforted. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + _They hate to mingle in the filthy fray, + Where the soul sours, and gradual rancour grows + Imbittered more from peevish day to day._ + + Thomson. + + +Though I was no longer of a temper to reject the means of comfort which +still remained within my reach, or scornfully to repulse the mercies +both of God and man, I had accepted with reluctance the asylum offered +by the clergyman to whom Miss Mortimer had recommended me; for the +reserve which shrinks from obligation is one of the most unconquerable +forms of pride. Besides, though the Doctor's professional duties had +made me somewhat acquainted with him, his family were, even by +character, strangers to me. The state of Miss Mortimer's health had long +precluded us from paying or receiving visits; and my friend had none of +those habits of moral portrait-painting which seduce so many into +caricature. My reluctance to accept of the good man's hospitality had, +however, yielded partly to necessity, partly to the recollection that I +had once heard the 'Doctor's lady' called 'the cleverest woman in the +country.' For ability I had always entertained a high regard; which is +one of vanity's least bare-faced ways of claiming kindred with it. A +residence with persons of education and good manners was irresistible, +when the only alternative was an abode in a mean lodging, in which pride +or prudence would forbid me to receive even the few who still owned my +acquaintance. I had therefore consented to remain with Dr ---- till an +answer should arrive from the sister to whom he had written on my +behalf. + +Though I knew that I was expected at the parsonage on the evening when +I left Miss Mortimer's, I lingered long by the way. The spirit which, +for a moment, had raised me above my fate, could not tarry; and earthly +woes and earthly passions soon resumed their power. A feeling of +loneliness and neglect returned to weigh upon my heart; and when I +reached the gate within which I was about to seek a shelter, I stopped; +leant my head against it; and wept, as if I had never committed myself +to a Father's protection,--never exulted in a Father's care. I felt it +unkind that no one came to save me the embarrassment of introducing +myself; and perhaps even my pride would not have stooped to the effort, +had I not at last been accosted by my host; who excused himself for not +having come to escort me, by saying that he had been unavoidably engaged +in professional duty. He now welcomed me cordially; expressing a hope +that I should soon feel myself at home,--'that is,' continued he, 'as +soon as the exertions of my good woman will allow you.' + +To this odd proviso I could only answer, 'That I was afraid my visit +might put Mrs ---- to inconvenience.' + +'I wish that were possible, Miss Percy,' returned he; 'for then she +would be quite in her element.' + +By this time we had reached the door, and Dr ---- knocked loudly. No +answer came, though the sounds of busy feet were heard within, and +lights glanced swiftly across the windows. After another vigorous +assault upon the knocker, the door was opened by a panting maid-servant; +in time to exhibit the descent of my hostess from a stool which she had +mounted, as it appeared, to light a lamp that hung from the ceiling. +Snatching off a checked apron, which she threw into a corner, she +advanced to receive me. 'Miss Percy!' she cried, 'I am so glad to see +you!--Doctor, I had no notion you could have got back so soon;--and +indeed ma'am I am quite proud that you will accept of such +accommodations as--Lord bless me, girl! did ever any body see such a +candlestick?--This way ma'am, if you please,--To bring up a thing like +that before strangers!' + +During this miscellaneous oration, I had made my way into the parlour, +and taken possession of the first seat I could find. But this was too +natural an arrangement of things to satisfy my good hostess. 'Oh dear! +Miss Percy,' said she, 'you are quite in the way of the door,--pray take +this side; Doctor, can't you give Miss Percy that chair?' + +At last the turmoil of placing us was over; and the good lady was +compelled to be quiet for a little. The scenes which I had lately +witnessed, the sense of being a stranger in what was now my only home, +depressed my spirits; yet good manners inclined me to enter into +conversation with my hostess. I soon found, however, that this was, for +the present, out of the question; for though, under a sense of duty, she +frequently spoke to her guest, my replies evidently escaped her powers +of attention, these being occupied by certain sounds proceeding from the +kitchen. For a while she kept fidgeting upon her chair, looking +wistfully towards the door; her politeness maintaining doubtful strife +with her anxieties. At last a crash of crockery overcame her +self-denial, and she ran out of the room. + +Our ears were presently invaded by all the discords of wrath and hurry; +but the Doctor, who seemed accustomed to such tumults, quietly drew his +chair close to mine, and began to discuss the merits of a late +publication, repeating his remarks with immovable patience, as often as +they were lost in the din. At length, however, he was touched in a +tender point; for now an audible kick produced a howl from the old +house-dog. The Doctor started up, took three strides across the room, +wiped his forehead, and sat down again. 'I thank Heaven,' said he, 'that +the children are all in bed,'--and he went on with his criticism. + +Late came the supper; and with it mine hostess, looking 'unutterable +things.' She forced her mouth, however, into an incongruous smile, while +she apologised to me for her absence; but she was too full of her recent +disaster long to deny herself the comforts of complaint and condolence. +'I hope, Miss Percy, you will try to eat a little bit of supper; though +to be sure it is a pretty supper indeed for one who has been accustomed +as you have been!' + +The looks of the speaker showed me that this speech was less intended +for me than for the poor girl who waited at table. 'I assure you, madam, +the supper is much better than any I ever was accustomed to. I never +exceed a biscuit or a jelly.' + +'Oh you are very good to say so; but I am sure,--and then to have it +served upon such mean-looking, nasty old cracked rubbish,--but I hope +you'll excuse it, ma'am; for Kitty there has thought fit to break no +less than three dozen of our blue china supper-set at one crash.' + +'That is a great pity.' + +'Pity! I declare my patience is quite worn out.' + +'We have reason to be thankful,' said the Doctor, 'that she did the +thing at once; it puts you into only one fury, instead of three dozen. +The treatise we were talking of, Miss Percy----' + +'Mercy upon me!' interrupted the lady, 'there is no salt in this +stuffing!' + +'I say the author appears to me to reason upon false premises when----' + +'Hand the sauce to Miss Percy, do, that she may have something to +flavour that tasteless mess.' + +The poor fluttered girl, in her haste to obey, dropped the sauce-boat +into my lap. 'Heaven preserve me!' exclaimed the lady; 'she has finished +your new sarcenet gown, I declare.--Well! if you an't enough to drive +one distracted!' + +In vain did I protest that the gown was very little injured;--in vain +did I represent that the poor girl was unavoidably fluttered by her +former misdemeanour; peace was not re-established till the close of +supper allowed the delinquent to retire. Mrs ---- then seemed to collect +her thoughts, and to recollect the propriety of conversing with her +guest. 'It must have been very hard upon poor Miss Mortimer,' said she, +'to be so long confined, and all the affairs of her family at sixes and +sevens all the while. To be sure, I dare say you would spare no trouble; +but, after all, there is nothing like the eye of a mistress.' + +Shocked as I was at this careless mention of my friend, I forced myself +to answer; 'Miss Mortimer's method was so regular that I never could +perceive where any trouble was necessary.' + +'That might be the case in Miss Mortimer's family. For my part I have +hard enough work with mine from morning to night. I really can't +conceive how people get on, who take matters so easily. To be sure there +must be great waste; but some people can afford that better than +others.' + +'There was no waste in Miss Mortimer's family, madam,' answered I, my +spirit rising at this reflection on my friend, 'not even a waste of +power.' + +I repented of this taunt almost the moment it was uttered. But it was +lost upon my hostess; who went on to demonstrate, that, without her +ceaseless intervention, disorder and ruin must ensue. 'Miss Percy', said +the Doctor gravely, 'are you satisfied with the order of pins in +ordinary paper; or do you purchase the pins wholesale, that you may +arrange them more correctly for yourself?' + +'Oh, none of your gibes, Dr ----; you know very well I don't spend my +time in sticking pins, or any such trifles. I have work enough, and more +than enough, in attending to your family.' + +'Ay, my dear,--and fortunate it is that all your industry has taken that +turn, for you can never be industrious by proxy; you can work with no +hands but your own.' + +It was now the hour of rest; or, more properly speaking, it was bedtime; +for I was disturbed by the bustle of the household long after I had +retired to a chamber, finical enough to keep me in mind that it was the +'stranger's room.' With a sigh, I remembered the quiet shelter I had +lost, and that true hospitality which never once reminded me, even by +officious cares, that I was a stranger. I hoped, however, that the +turmoil occasioned by my arrival, and the destruction of the blue +supper-set being over, peace might be restored in the family; and the +calm of the following morning be the sweeter for the hurricane of the +night. But the tumult of the evening was a lulling murmur to the full +chorus of busy morn. Ringing, trampling, scraping, knocking, scrubbing, +and all the clatter of housewifery, were mingled with the squalls of +children, and the clang of chastisement; and above all swelled my +landlady's tones, in every variety of exhortation and impatience. + +In short, Mrs ---- was one of those who could not be satisfied with +putting the machine in motion, unless she watched and impelled the +action of every wheel and pivot. The interference was of course more +productive of derangement than of despatch. Besides, by taking upon +herself all the business of the maids, my hostess necessarily neglected +that of the mistress; the consequence of which was general confusion and +discomfort. Few can be so ignorant of human nature as to wonder that I +endured the petty miseries to which I was thus subjected with less +patience than I had lately shown under real misfortune. A little +religion will suffice to produce acts of resignation, when events have +tinctured the mind with their own solemnity, or when, 'by the sadness of +the countenance the heart is,' for a time, 'made better;' but Christian +patience finds exercise on a thousand occasions, when the dignity of her +name would be misapplied; and I had yet much to gain of that heavenly +temper, which extends its influence to lesser actions and lesser +foibles. A few hours served to make me completely weary of my new abode; +and I anxiously wished for the summons which was to transfer me to +another. Dr ---- assured me that his sister would lose no time in +endeavouring to serve me; and I was determined to accept of any +situation which she should propose. + +Mrs Murray, the lady to whose patronage I had been recommended, was the +wife of a naval officer. Captain Murray was then at sea; and she, with +her son and daughter, resided in Edinburgh. Far from being averse to +follow my fortunes in this distant quarter, I preferred a residence +where I was wholly unknown. The friendship of Mr Sidney procured for me +the offer of an eligible situation in town; but I was predetermined +against hazarding the humiliations to which such a situation must have +exposed me. The wisdom of this resolution, I must own, would not bear +examination, and therefore I was never examined; for I retained too much +adroitness in self-deceit to let prudence fairly contest the point with +pride. I was destined to pay the penalty of my choice, and to illustrate +the invariable sequence of a 'haughty spirit' and a 'fall.' + +The expected letter at length arrived; and I thought myself fortunate +beyond my hopes, when I found that Mrs Murray was inclined to receive me +into her own family. My knowledge of music, particularly my skill in +playing on the harp, had recommended me as a teacher in a country which +pays for her fruitfulness in poetry by a singular sterility in the other +fine arts. Mrs Murray enquired upon what terms I would undertake the +tuition of her daughter; and seemed only fearful that my demands might +exceed her powers. After the receipt of her letter I was most eager to +depart. To terms I was utterly indifferent. All I wanted was quiet, and +an asylum which inferred no obligation to strangers. It is true, that my +hostess often assured me of the pleasure she received from my visit; but +my presence evidently occasioned such an infinity of trouble, that, if +her assurances were sincere, she must have been filled with more than +the spirit of martyrdom in my service. I was too impatient to be gone to +wait the formal arrangement of my engagement with Mrs Murray. I +instantly wrote to commit the terms of it entirely to herself; and then +took measures to obtain my immediate conveyance to Scotland. + +A journey by land was too expensive to be thought of; I therefore +secured my passage in a merchant vessel. It was in vain that Dr ---- +advised me to wait further instructions from his sister; in hopes +that she might suggest a more eligible mode of travelling, or at least +give me notice that she was prepared for my reception. My dislike of my +present abode, my restlessness under a sense of obligation to such a +person as Mrs ----, prevailed against his counsels. In vain did he +represent the discomforts of a voyage at such a season of the year. I +was not more habitually impatient of present evil than fearless of that +which was yet to come. In short, after a little more than a week's +residence at the parsonage, I insisted upon making my debut as a sailor +in the auspicious month of February, and committing myself, at that +stormy season, to an element which as yet I knew only from description. + +Dr ---- and Mr Sidney accompanied me to the vessel; and I own I began to +repent of my obstinacy, when they bade me farewell. As I saw their boat +glide from the vessel's side, and answered their parting signals, and +saw first the known features, then the forms, then the little bark +itself, fade from my sight, I wept over the rashness which had exiled me +among strangers; and coveted the humblest station cheered by the face of +friend or kinsman. The wind blowing strong and cold soon obliged me to +leave the deck; and, when I entered the close airless den in which I was +to be imprisoned with fourteen fellow-sufferers, I cordially wished +myself once more under the restraint imposed by nice arrangement and +finical decoration. + +I was soon obliged to retreat to a bed, compared with which the worst I +had ever occupied was the very couch of luxury. 'It must be owned,' +thought I, 'that a sea voyage affords good lessons for a fine lady.' +Sleep was out of the question. I was stunned with such variety of noise +as made me heartily regret the quiet of the parsonage. The rattling of +the cordage, the lashing of the waves, the heavy measured tread, the +tuneless song repeated without end, interrupted only by the sudden +dissonant call, and then begun again,--these, besides a hundred +inexplicable disturbances, continued day and night. To these was soon +added another, which attacked my quiet through other mediums than my +senses, the ship sprung a leak, and the pumps were worked without +intermission. + +Meanwhile the wind rose to what I thought a hurricane; and, among us +passengers, whose ignorance probably magnified the danger, all was alarm +and dismay. A general fit of piety bespoke the general dread; and they +who had before been chiefly intent upon establishing their importance +with their fellow-travellers, seemed now feelingly convinced of their +own dependence and insignificancy. For my part, I prepared for death +with much greater resignation than I had found to bestow upon the +previous evils of my voyage;--not surely that it is easier to resign +life than to submit to a few inconveniences,--but that I had a tendency +to treat my religion like one of the fabled divinities, who are not to +be called into action except upon worthy occasions; whereas, it is +indeed her agency in matters of ordinary occurrence that shows her true +power and value. I am much mistaken, if it be not easier to die like a +martyr than to live like a Christian; and if the glory of our faith be +not better displayed in a life of meekness, humility, and self-denial, +than even in a death of triumph. I am sure the question would not bear +dispute, if all mankind were unhappily born with feelings as lively, and +passions as strong as mine. Whether my faith would have been equal even +to what I account the lesser victory, remains to be proved; for, on the +second day, the gale abated, and, from our heart-sinking prison we were +once more released, to breathe the fresh breeze which now blew from the +near coast of Holland. + +The bloody conflict was then only beginning which has won for my country +such imperishable honours. At Rotterdam we could then find safety, and +the means of refitting our crazy vessel, so far as was necessary for the +completion of our voyage. It will readily be believed, that those of our +company who were least accustomed to brave the ocean were eager to tread +the steady earth once more. We all went on shore; and I, wholly ignorant +of all methods of economy in a situation so new to me, took up my abode +in a comfortable hotel; where I remained during the week which elapsed +before we were able to proceed upon our voyage. At the end of that time, +I discovered, with surprise and consternation, that my wealth had +diminished to little more than ten guineas. I comforted myself, however, +by recollecting, that once under the protection of Mrs Murray I should +have little occasion for money; and that a few shillings were all the +expense which I was likely to incur before I was safely lodged in my new +home. + +The remainder of the voyage was prosperous; and in little more than a +fortnight after my first embarkation, I found myself seated in the +hackney-coach which was to convey me from the harbour to Edinburgh. Not +even the beauty and singularity of this romantic town could divert my +imagination from the person upon whom I expected so much of my future +happiness to depend. I anticipated the character, the manners, the +appearance, the very attire of Mrs Murray; imagined the circumstances of +my introduction, and planned the general form of our future intercourse. +'Oh that she may be one whom I can love, and love safely,' thought I; +'one endowed with somewhat of the spirit of her whom I have lost!' My +intercourse with the world, perhaps my examination of my own heart, had +destroyed much of my fearless confidence in every thing that bore the +human form; and now my spirits sunk, as I recollected how small was my +chance of finding another Miss Mortimer. + +A sudden twilight was closing as I entered the street of dull +magnificence, in which stood the dwelling of my patroness. Though in the +midst of a large city, all seemed still and forsaken. The bustle of +business or amusement was silent here. Single carriages, passing now and +then at long intervals, sounded through the vacant street till the noise +died in the distance. The busy multitudes whom I was accustomed to +associate with the idea of a city had retired to their homes; and I +envied them who could so retire,--who could enter the sanctuary of their +own roof, sit in their own accustomed seat, hear the familiar voice, and +grasp the hand that had ten thousand times returned the pressure. + +All around me strengthened the feelings of loneliness which are so apt +to visit the heart of a stranger; and I anxiously looked from the +carriage to descry the only spot in which I would claim an interest. The +coach stopped at the door of a large house, handsome indeed, but more +dark, I thought, and dismal if possible than the rest. I scarcely +breathed till my summons was answered; nor was it without an effort that +I enquired whether Mrs Murray was at home? + +'No, madam,' was the answer; 'she has been gone this fortnight.' + +'Gone! Good heavens! Whither?' + +'To Portsmouth, madam. As soon as the news came of the Captain's coming +in wounded, Mrs Murray and Miss Arabella set out immediately.' + +'And did she leave no letter for me? No instructions?' + +The servant's answer convinced me that my arrival was even wholly +unexpected. Struck with severe disappointment, overwhelmed with a sense +of utter desertedness, my spirits failed; and I sunk back into the +carriage faint and forlorn. + +'Do you alight here ma'am?' enquired the coachman. + +'No!' answered I, scarcely knowing what I said. + +'Where do you go next?' asked the man. + +I replied only by a bitter passion of tears. 'Alas!' thought I, 'I once, +in the mere wilfulness of despair, rejected the blessings of a home and +a friend. How righteous is the retribution which leaves me now homeless +and friendless!' + +'Perhaps, ma'am,' said the servant, seemingly touched by my distress, +'Mrs Murray may have left some message with Mr Henry for you.' + +'Mr Henry!' cried I; 'is Mrs Murray's son here?' + +'Yes, ma'am. Mr Henry staid to finish his classes in the college. He is +not at home just now; but I expect him every minute. Will you please to +come in and rest a little?' + +With this invitation I thought it best to comply; and dismissing the +coach, followed the servant into the house. I was shown into a handsome +parlour, where the cheerful blaze of a Scotch coal fire gave light +enough to show that all was elegance and comfort. My buoyant heart rose +again; and, not considering how improbable it was that my patroness +should commit a girl of eighteen to the guardianship of a youth little +above the same age, I began to hope that Mrs Murray had given her son +directions to receive me. In this hope I sat waiting his return; now +listening for his approach; now trying to conjecture what instructions +he would bring me; now beguiling the time with the books which were +scattered round the room. + +Though some of these were works of general literature, there was +sufficient peculiarity in the selection, to show that the young student +was intended for the bar. Indeed, before he arrived, I had formed, from +a view of the family apartment, a tolerable guess of the habits and +pursuits of its owners. Open upon a sofa was a pocket Tibullus; within a +Dictionary of Decisions lay a well-read first volume of the Nouvelle +Eloise. Then there were Le Vaillant's Travels; Erskine's Institutes; and +a Vindication of Queen Mary. 'If the young lawyer has not disposed of +his heart already, I shall be too pretty for my place,' thought I: 'and +now for my patroness!' The card-racks contained some twenty visiting +tickets, upon which the same matronly names were repeated at least four +times. A large work-bag, which hung near the great chair, was too well +stuffed to close over a half-knitted stocking, and a prayer-book, which +opened of itself at the prayer for those who travel by sea. My +imagination instantly pictured a faded, serious countenance, with that +air of tender abstraction which belongs to those whose thoughts are +fixed upon the absent and the dear. Miss Arabella's magnificent harp +stood in a window, and her likeness in the act of dancing a hornpipe +hung over the chimney; her music-stand was loaded with easy sonatas and +Scotch songs; and her portfolio was bursting with a humble progression +of water-colour drawings. + +My conjectures were interrupted by a loud larum at the house-door, which +announced the return of my young host. My heart beat anxiously. I +started from the sofa like one who felt no right to be seated there; and +sat down again, because I felt myself awkward when standing. I thought I +heard the servant announce my arrival to his master as he passed through +the lobby; and after a few questions asked and answered in an under +voice, the young man entered the parlour with a countenance which +plainly said, 'What in the world am I to do with the creature?' As I +rose to receive him, however, I saw this expression give place to +another. Strong astonishment was pictured in his face, then yielded +again to the glow of youthful complacency and admiration. + +On my part I was little less struck with my student's exterior, than he +appeared to be with mine. Instead of the awkward, mawkish school-boy +whom I had fancied, he was a tall, elegant young man, with large +sentimental black eyes, and a clear brown complexion, whose paleness +repaid in interest whatever it subtracted from the youthfulness of his +appearance. + +I was the first to speak. Having expressed my regret at Mrs Murray's +absence, and the cause of it, I begged to know whether she had left any +commands for me. Murray replied, that he believed his mother had written +to me before her departure; and that she had hoped her letter might +reach me in time to delay my journey to a milder season. + +'Unfortunately,' said I, 'most unfortunately, I had set out before that +letter arrived.' + +'Excuse me,' returned my companion, with polite vivacity, 'if I cannot +call any accident unfortunate which has procured me this pleasure.' I +could answer this civility only by a gesture, for my heart was full. I +saw that I had no claim to my present shelter; and other place of refuge +I had none. Oh how did I repent the self-will which had reduced me to so +cruel a dilemma! 'In a few weeks at farthest,' continued Mr Murray, 'my +father will be able to travel; and then I am certain my mother will +bring Arabella home immediately.' + +Still I could make no reply. 'A few weeks!' thought I, 'what is to +become of me even for one week, even for one night!' Tears were +struggling for vent; but to have yielded to my weakness, would have +seemed like an appeal to compassion; and the moment this thought +occurred, the necessary effort was made. I rose, and requested that Mr +Murray would allow his servant to procure a carriage for me, and direct +me to some place where I could find respectable accommodation. + +To this proposal Murray warmly objected. 'I hope,--I beg Miss Percy,' +said he eagerly, 'you will not think of leaving my mother's house +to-night. Though she has been obliged to refuse herself the pleasure of +receiving you, I know she would be deeply mortified to find that you +would not remain, even for one night, under her roof.' + +I made my acknowledgments for his invitation; but said, I had neither +title nor desire to intrude upon any part of Mrs Murray's family, and +renewed my request. Murray persevered in urgent and respectful +entreaties. They were so well seconded by the lateness of the hour, for +it was now near ten o'clock, and by the contrast of the comfort within +doors, with the storm which was raging abroad, that my scruples began to +give way; and the first symptom of concession was so eagerly seized, +that, before I had leisure to consider of proprieties, my young host had +ordered his mother's bedchamber to be prepared for my reception. + +This arrangement made, he turned the conversation to general topics, and +amused me very agreeably till we separated for the night. I know not if +ever I had offered up more hearty thanksgivings for shelter and security +than I did in that evening's prayer; so naturally do we reserve our +chief gratitude for blessings of precarious tenure. But I omitted my +self-examination that night; either because I was worn out and languid, +or because I was half conscious of having done what prudence would not +justify. + +I slept soundly, however, and awoke in revived spirits. My host renewed +all his attentions. We conversed, in a manner very interesting to +ourselves, of public places, of the last new novel; and this naturally +led us into the labyrinths of the human heart, and the mysteries of the +tender passion. Then I played on the harp, which threw my young lawyer +into raptures; then I sung, which drew tears into the large black eyes. +In short, the forenoon was pretty far advanced before my student +recollected that he had missed his law-class by two hours. + +All this was the effect of mere thoughtlessness; for I was guiltless of +all design upon Murray's affections, or even upon his admiration. I now, +however, suddenly recollected myself, and renewed my enquiries for some +eligible abode; but Murray, with more warmth than ever, objected to my +removal. He laboured to convince me that his mother's house, for so he +dexterously called it, was the most eligible residence for me, at least +till I should learn how Mrs Murray wished me to act. Finding me a little +hard of conviction, he proposed a new expedient. He offered to call upon +a sister of his father's, and to obtain for me her advice or assistance. +Most cordially did I thank him for this proposal, and urged him to +execute it instantly. He lingered, however, and endeavoured to escape +the subject; and when I persisted in pressing it, he fairly owned his +unwillingness to perform his promise. 'If Mrs St Clare should wile you +away from me,' said he with a very Arcadian sigh, 'how will you ever +repay me for such self-devotion?' + +'With an old song,' answered I gaily; 'payment enough for such a +sacrifice.' But I registered the sigh notwithstanding. 'Touched +already!' thought I. 'So much for Tibullus and the Nouvelle Eloise!' + +At last I drove him away; but he soon returned, and told me he had not +found Mrs St Clare at home. I made him promise to renew his attempt in +the evening, and proposed meanwhile to write to Mrs Murray an account of +my situation. My companion at first made no objection; but afterwards +discovered that it was almost too late to overtake that day's post, and +offered to save time, by mentioning the matter in the postscript of a +letter which he had already written. I consented; but afterwards obliged +him to tell me, rather unwillingly, in what terms he had put his +communication. + +'From the way in which you have written,' said I, when he had ended, +'Mrs Murray will never discover that I am residing in her house. Were it +not better to say distinctly that I am here?' + +I looked at my young lawyer as I spoke, and saw him blush very deeply. +He hesitated too; and stammered while he answered, 'that it was +unnecessary, since his mother could not suppose me to reside anywhere +else.' + +The full impropriety of my situation flashed upon me at once. Murray +evidently felt that there was something in it which he was unwilling to +submit to the judgment of his mother. My delicacy, or rather perhaps my +pride, thus alarmed, my resolution was taken in a moment; but as I could +not well avow the grounds of my determination, I retired in silence to +make what little preparation was necessary for my immediate departure. + +If my purpose had wanted confirmation, it would have been confirmed by a +dialogue which I accidentally overheard, between Murray and a youth who +just then called for him. My host seemed pressing his friend to return +to supper. 'Do come,' said he, 'and I will show you an angel--the +loveliest girl----'--'Where? in this house?'--'Yes, my sister's +governess.'--'Left to keep house for you? Eh? a good judicious +arrangement, faith.'--'Hush--I assure you her manners are as correct as +her person is beautiful;--such elegance,--such modest vivacity,--and +then she sings! Oh, Harry, if you did but hear her sing!'--'Well I +believe I must come and take a look of this wonder.'--'The wonder,' +thought I, 'shall not be made a spectacle to idle boys,--nor remain in a +situation of which even they can see the impropriety.' I rang for the +housemaid; and putting half-a-guinea into her hand, requested that she +would direct me to reputable lodgings, and procure a hackney-coach to +convey me thither. Both of these services she performed without delay; +meanwhile, I went to take leave of my young host. + +He heard of my intention with manifest discomposure, and exerted all his +eloquence to shake my purpose; entreating me at least to remain with him +till he had seen Mrs St Clare; but I was more disposed to anger than to +acquiescence, when I recollected that all his entreaties were intended +to make me do what he himself felt to need disguise or apology. Finding +me resolute, he next begged to know where he might bring Mrs St Clare to +wait upon me; but suspecting that my apartments might not be such as I +chose to exhibit, I declined this favour. I took, however, the lady's +address, meaning to avail myself of her assistance in procuring +employment. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + _Lend me thy clarion, goddess! Let me try + To sound the praise of merit ere it dies; + Such as I oft have chanced to espy, + Lost in the dreary shades of dull obscurity._ + + Shenstone. + + +With a feeling of dignity and independence which had forsaken me in my +more splendid abode, I took possession of an apartment contrived to +serve the double purposes of parlour and bedchamber. 'I have done +right,' thought I, 'whatever be the consequences; and these are in the +hands of One who has given me the strongest pledge that he will +over-rule them for my advantage.' Yet, alas for my folly! I was almost +the next moment visited by the fear, that the advantage might not be +palpable to present observation, and that it might belong more to my +improvement than to my convenience. + +I now felt no reluctance to address Mrs Murray; and to enquire whether +it were still her wish to receive me into her family. One circumstance +alone embarrassed me; I plainly perceived, that I had already made such +an impression upon Henry, as his mother was not likely to approve; and +it seemed dishonourable to owe my admission into her family to her +ignorance of that which she would probably deem sufficient reason to +exclude me. I knew the world, indeed, too well, to expect that the +passion of a youth of twenty, for a girl with a fortune of nine pounds +three shillings, was itself likely to be either serious or lasting; but +its consequences might be both, if it relaxed industry, or destroyed +cheerfulness, darkening the sunny morning with untimely shade. + +But how could I forewarn my patroness of her danger? Could I tell her, +not only that one day's acquaintance with her son had sufficed me to +make the conquest, but, which was still less _selon les regles_, to +discover that I had made it? I dared not brave the smile which would +have avenged such an absurdity. After some consideration, I took my +resolution. I determined to introduce myself the next day to Mrs St +Clare, who, I imagined, would not long leave her sister-in-law in +ignorance of my personal attractions; for I have often observed, that we +ladies, while we grudge to a beauty the admiration and praise of the +other sex, generally make her amends by the sincerity and profuseness of +our own. + +'And if her description alarm Mrs Murray,' thought I; 'if it deter her +from admitting me under the roof with her son, what then is to become of +me?--What will my pretty features do for me then?--What have they ever +done for me, except to fill my ears with flatteries, and my mind with +conceit, and the hearts of others with envy and malice. Maitland, +indeed,--but no--it was not my face that Maitland loved. Rather to the +pride of beauty I owe that wretched spirit of coquetry by which I lost +him. And now this luckless gift may deprive me of respectable protection +and subsistence. Surely I shall at last be cured of my value for a +bauble so mischievous--so full of temptation--so incapable of +ministering either to the glory of God or the good of man!' Ah, how easy +it is to despise baubles while musing by fire-light in a solitary +chamber! + +The evening passed in solitude, but not in weariness; for I was not +idle. I spent the time in writing to Mrs Murray, and in giving to my +friend Dr ---- an account of my voyage, and of my disappointment. The +hour soon came which I now habitually devoted to the invitation of +better thoughts, the performance of higher duties; and thanks be to +Heaven, that neither human converse, nor human protection, nor ought +else that the worldly can enjoy or value, is necessary to the comfort of +that hour! + +The next day Murray came early, under pretence of enquiring how I was +satisfied with my accommodation; and I was pleased that the mission +which he had undertaken to Mrs St Clare, gave me a pretext for being +glad to see him. I know not what excuse he could make for a visit of +three hours long; but my plea for permitting it was the impossibility of +ordering him away. He left me, however, at last; and, more convinced +than ever that his mother would do well to dispense with my services, I +went to present myself to Mrs St Clare. + +Arrived at her house, I was ushered into the presence of a tall, +elderly, hard-favoured gentlewoman; who, seated most perpendicularly on +a great chair, was employed in working open stitches on a French lawn +apron. I cannot say that her exterior was much calculated to dispel the +reserve of a stranger. Her figure might have served to illustrate all +the doctrines of the acute angle. Her countenance was an apt epitome of +the face of her native land;--rough with deep furrow and uncouth +prominence, and grim with one dusky uniformity of hue. As I entered, +this erect personage rose from her seat, and, therefore, almost +necessarily advanced one step to meet me. I offered some apology for my +intrusion. From a certain rustle of her stiff lutestring gown, I guessed +that the lady made some gesture of courtesy, though I cannot pretend +that I saw the fact. + +'Mr Murray, I believe, has been so good as to mention me,' said I. + +The lady looked towards a chair; and this I was obliged to accept as an +invitation to sit down. + +'I have been particularly unfortunate in missing Mrs Murray,' said I. + +'Hum!' returned the lady, with a scarcely perceptible nod; and a pause +followed. + +'She left Scotland very unexpectedly.' + +'Very unexpectedly.' + +Another pause. + +'I happened unluckily to have begun my journey before I learnt that it +was unnecessary.' + +'That was a pity.' + +'I hope she is not likely to be long absent?' + +'Indeed there is no saying.' + +'Perhaps she may not choose that I should wait her return?' + +'Really I can't tell.' + +Until this hour, I had never known what it was to shrink before the +repulse of frozen reserve; for the cordiality which had once been +obtained for me by the gifts of nature or of fortune had of late been +secured to me by partial affection and Christian benevolence. My temper +began to rebel; but struggles with my temper were now habitual with me. +I drew a long breath, and renewed my animating dialogue. 'May I ask +whether, in case Mrs Murray should not want my services, you think I am +likely to find employment here as a governess?' + +'Indeed I don't know. Few people like to take entire strangers into +their families.' + +'The same recommendation which introduced me to Mrs Murray, I can still +command.' + +'Hum.' + +A long silence followed, for I had another conflict with my temper; but +I was fully victorious before I spoke again. + +'I am afraid, madam,' said I, 'that you will not think me entitled to +use Mrs Murray's name with you so far as to beg that, upon her account, +if you should hear of any situation in which I can be useful, you will +have the goodness to recollect me.' + +'It is not likely, Miss Percy, that I should hear of any thing to suit +you. At any rate, I make it a rule never to interfere in people's +domestic arrangements.' + +My patience now quite exhausted, I took my leave with an air, I fear, +not less ungracious than that of my hostess; and pursued my lonely way +homewards, fully inclined to defer the revolting task of soliciting +employment, till I should ascertain that Mrs Murray's plans made it +indispensable. + +How often, as I passed along the street, did I start, as my eye caught +some slight resemblance to a known face, and sigh over the futility of +my momentary hope! He who in the wildest nook of earth possesses one +friend 'to whom he may tell that solitude is sweet,' knows not how +cheerless it is to enter a home drearily secure from the intrusion of a +friend. Yet, having now abundance of leisure for reflection, I should +have been inexcusable, if I had made no use of this advantage; and if, +in the single point of conduct which seemed left to my decision, I had +acted with imprudence. There was evident impropriety in Murray's visits. +To encourage his boyish admiration would have been cruel to him, +ungenerous towards Mrs Murray, and incautious with respect to myself. It +was hard, indeed, to resign the only social pleasure within my reach; +but was pleasure to be deliberately purchased at the hazard of causing +disquiet to the parent, and rebellion in the son? and this too by one +engaged to exercise self-denial as the mere instrument of self-command? +I peremptorily renounced the company of my young admirer; and whoever +would know what this effort cost me, must reject earnest entreaty, and +resist sorrowful upbraiding, and listen to a farewell which is the known +prelude to utter solitude. + +A dull unvaried week passed away, during which I never went abroad +except to church. My landlady, indeed, insisted, that even women of +condition might with safety and decorum traverse her native city +unattended; and pointed out from my window persons whom she averred to +be of that description; but the assured gait and gaudy attire of these +ladies made me suspect that she was rather unfortunate in her choice of +instances. At last, in a mere weariness of confinement, I one day +consented to accompany her abroad. + +We passed the singular bridge which delighted me with the strangely +varied prospect of antique grandeur and modern regularity,--of a city +cleft into a noble vista towards naked rock and cultivated plain,--seas +busy with commerce, and mountains that shelter distant solitudes. I +could scarcely be dragged away from this interesting spot; but my +landlady, to whom it offered nothing new, was, soon after leaving it, +much more attracted by a little scarlet flag, upon which was printed in +large letters, 'A rouping in here.' This she told me announced a sale of +household furniture, which she expressed much curiosity to see; and I +suffered her to conduct me down a lane, or rather passage, so narrow as +to afford us scarcely room to walk abreast, or light enough to guide us +through the filth that encumbered our way. A second notice directed us +to ascend a dark winding staircase; leading, as I afterwards learned, to +the abodes of about thirty families. We had climbed, I think, about as +high as the whispering gallery of St Paul's, when our progress was +arrested by the crowd which the auction had attracted to one of the +several compartments into which each floor seemed divided. I recoiled +from joining a party apparently composed of the lowest orders of +mankind. But my companion averring that in such places she could often +make a good bargain, elbowed her way into the scene of action. + +While I hesitated whether to follow her, my attention was caught by the +beauty of a child, who now half hiding his rosy face on the shoulder of +his mother, cast a sidelong glance on the strangers, and now ventured to +take a more direct view; while she, regardless of the objects of his +curiosity, stood leaning her forehead against the wall in an attitude of +quiet dejection. I watched her for a few moments, and saw the tears +trickle from her face. So venerable is unobtrusive sorrow, that I could +with more ease have accosted a duchess than this poor woman, though her +dress denoted her to be one of those upon whom has fallen a double +portion of the primeval curse. Her distress, however, did not seem so +awe-inspiring to her equals; for one of them presently approaching, gave +her a smart slap upon the shoulder, and, in a tone between pity and +reproach, enquired, 'what ailed her?' The poor woman looked up, wiped +the tears from her eyes, and faintly tried to smile. 'There is not much +ails me,' said she; but the words were scarcely articulate. + +'Many a one has been rouped out before now,' said the other. + +The reflection was ill-timed; for my poor woman covered her face with +her apron, and burst into a violent fit of sobbing. I had now found a +person of whom I could more freely ask questions, which, indeed, all +seemed eager to answer; and I quickly discovered that Cecil Graham, for +so my mourner was called, was the wife of a soldier, whom the first and +firmest sentiment of a Highlander had lured from his native glen to +follow the banner of his chieftain; that when his regiment had been +ordered abroad, she had unwillingly been left behind; that, in the +decent abode which Highland frugality had procured for her, she had, by +her labour, supported herself and two children; but that, on the night +before her rent became due, she had been robbed of the little deposit +which was meant to pay it; and that her landlord, after some months of +vain delay, had availed himself of his right over the property of his +debtor. + +'And will he,' cried I, touched with a fellow-feeling, 'will he drive +this poor young woman abroad among strangers! without a home or a +friend! God forgive him.' + +'I do not want for friends, and good friends, madam,' said the +Highlander, in the strong accent of her country, but with far less of +its peculiar pronunciation than disguised the language of her +companions; 'all the streams of Benarde canna' wash my blood from the +laird's himsel'.' + +'What laird?' enquired I, smiling at the metaphorical language of my new +acquaintance. 'Eredine himsel', lady; his grandfather and my +great-grandmother were sister and brother childer:' meaning, as I +afterwards found, that these ancestors were cousins. + +'And will the laird do nothing for his relation?' said I. + +'That's what _he_ would, madam, and that indeed would _he_,' returned +Cecil, laying an odd emphasis upon the pronoun, and gesticulating with +great solemnity. 'He's no' the man to take the child out of the cradle +and put out the smoke.' + +'Why do you not apply to him then?' + +'Indeed lady I'm no' going to trouble the laird. You see he might think +that I judged he was like bound to uphold me and mine, because Jemmy was +away wi' Mr Kenneth, ye see.' + +'What then will you do? Will you allow yourself to be stripped of all?' + +'If I could make my way home, lady,' returned the Highlander, 'I should +do well enough;--we must not expect to be always full-handed. What I +think the most upon is, that they should sell the bit cloth that mysel' +span to row us in.' + +'To roll you in!' repeated I, utterly unable to guess what constituted +the peculiar value of this bit of cloth. + +'Ay,' returned Cecil, 'to wind Jemmy and me in, with your leave, when we +are at our rest; and a bonnier bit linen ye could na' see. The like of +yoursel' might have lain in it, lady, or Miss Graham hersel'.' + +I could scarcely help smiling at the tears which poor Cecil was now +shedding over the loss of this strange luxury; and looked up to find +some trace of folly in the countenance of one who, robbed of all her +worldly possessions, bestowed her largest regrets upon a fine +winding-sheet. But no trace of folly was there. The cool sagacity, +indicated by the clear broad forehead and the distinct low-set eyebrow, +was enlivened by the sparkle of a quick black eye; and her firm sharply +chiseled face, though disfigured by its national latitude of cheek, +presented a strong contrast to the dull vulgarity of feature which +surrounded her. When my examination was closed, I enquired how far +distant was the home of which she had spoken. + +'Did you ever hear of a place they call Glen Eredine?' said Cecil, +answering my question by another. 'It is like a hundred miles and a bit, +west and north from this.' + +'And how do you propose to travel so far at such a season?' + +'If it be the will of the Best, I must just ask a morsel, with your +leave, upon the way. I'll not have much to carry--only the infant on my +breast, and a pickle snuff I have gathered for my mother. This one is a +stout lad-bairn--God save him[1]; he'll walk on's feet a bit now and +then.' + +Though my English feelings revolted from the ease with which my +Highlander condescended to begging, I could not help admiring the +fortitude with which this young creature, for she did not seem above +two-and-twenty, looked forward to a journey over frozen mountains, and +lonely wilds; which she must traverse on foot, encumbered by two +infants, and exposed to the rigour of a stormy season. I stood pondering +the means of preventing these evils; and at last asked her 'whether the +parish would not bestow somewhat towards procuring her a conveyance?' + +'What's your will?' said Cecil, as if she did not quite comprehend me; +though at the same time. I saw her redden deeply. + +Thinking she had misunderstood me, I varied the terms of my question. + +Cecil's eyes flashed fire. 'The poor's box!' said she, breathing short +from the effort to suppress her indignation, 'Good troth, there's nobody +needs _even_ me to the like. The parish, indeed! No, no, we have come to +much; but we have no come to that yet:' she paused, and tears rose to +her eyes. 'My dear dog[2],' said she, caressing her little boy, 'ye +shall want both house and hauld before your mother cast shame upon ye; +and your father so far away.' + +Confounded at the emotion which I had unwittingly occasioned, I +apologised as well as I was able, assuring her that I had not the least +intention to offend; and that in my country, persons of the most +respectable character accounted it no discredit to accept of parish aid. +At last I partly succeeded in pacifying my Highlander. 'To be sure,' +said she, 'every place must have its _oun_ fashion, and it may come easy +enough to the like of _them_; but its no' to be thought that people +that's come of respected gentles will go to _demean_ themselves and all +that belongs them.' + +I was acknowledging my mistake, and endeavouring to excuse it upon the +plea of a stranger's ignorance, when one of the crowd advanced to inform +Cecil that her treasured web was then offering for sale; and, so far as +I could understand the barbarous jargon of the speaker, seemed to urge +the rightful owner to buy it back. Cecil's answer was rather more +intelligible. 'Well, well,' said she, 'if it be ordained, mysel' shall +lie in the bare boards; for that pound shall never be broken by me.' + +'What pound?' enquired I. + +'A note that Jemmy willed to his mother,' answered Cecil; 'and I never +had convenience to send her yet.' + +She spoke with perfect simplicity, as if wholly unconscious of the +generous fidelity which her words implied. + +I had so long been accustomed to riches that I could not always remember +my poverty. In five minutes I had glided through the crowd, purchased +Cecil's treasure, restored it to its owner, and recollected that, +without doing her any real service, I had spent what I could ill afford +to spare. + +The time had been when I could have mistaken this impulse of +constitutional good nature for an act of virtue; but I had learnt to +bestow that title with more discrimination. I was more embarrassed than +delighted by the blessings which Cecil, half in Gaelic, half in English, +uttered with great solemnity. 'Is it enough,' asked conscience, 'to +humour the prejudices of this poor creature, and leave her real wants +unrelieved?'--'But can they,' replied selfishness, 'spare relief to the +wants of others, who are themselves upon the brink of want?'--'She is +like you, alone in the land of strangers,' whispered sympathy.--'She is +the object,' said piety, 'of the same compassion to which you are +indebted for life--life in its highest, noblest sense!'--'Is it right,' +urged worldly-wisdom, 'to part with your only visible means of +subsistence?'--'You have but little to give,' pleaded my better reason; +'seize then the opportunity which converts the mite into a treasure.' +The issue of the debate was, that I purchased for poor Cecil the more +indispensable articles of her furniture; secured for her a shelter till +a milder season might permit her to travel more conveniently; and found +my wealth diminished to a sum which, with economy, might support my +existence for another week. + +Much have I heard of the rewards of an approving conscience, but I am +obliged to confess, that my own experience does not warrant my +recommending them as motives of conduct. I have uniformly found my best +actions, like other fruits of an ungenial climate, less to be admired +because they were good, than tolerated because they were no worse. I +suspect, indeed, that the comforts of self-approbation are generally +least felt when they are most needed; and that no one, who in depressing +circumstances enters on a serious examination of his conduct, ever finds +his spirits raised by the review. If this suspicion be just, it will +obviously follow, that the boasted dignity of conscious worth is not +exactly the sentiment which has won so many noble triumphs over +adversity. For my part, as I shrunk into my lonely chamber, and sighed +over my homely restricted meal, I felt more consolation in remembering +the goodness which clothes the unprofitable lily of the field, and feeds +the improvident tenants of the air, than in exulting that I could bestow +'half my goods to feed the poor.' + +That recollection, and the natural hilarity of temper which has survived +all the buffetings of fortune, supported my spirits during the lonely +days which passed in waiting Mrs Murray's reply. At length it came; to +inform me, that the state of Captain Murray's health would induce my +patroness to shun in a milder climate the chilling winds of a Scotch +spring; to express her regrets for my unavailing journey, and for her +own inability to further my plans; and, as the best substitute for her +own presence, to refer me once more to the erect Mrs St Clare. This +reference I at first vehemently rejected; for I had not yet digested the +courtesies which I already owed to this lady's urbanity. But, moneyless +and friendless as I was, what alternative remained? I was at last forced +to submit, and that only with the worse grace for my delay. + +To Mrs St Clare's then I went; in a humour which will be readily +conceived by any one who remembers the time when sobbing under a sense +of injury he was forced to kiss his hand and beg pardon. The lady's mien +was nothing sweetened since our last interview. While I was taking +uninvited possession of a seat, she leisurely folded up her work, pulled +on her gloves, and crossing her arms, drew up into the most stony +rigidity of aspect. Willing to despatch my business as quickly as +possible, I presented Mrs Murray's letter, begging that she would +consider it as an apology for my intrusion. 'I have heard from Mrs +Murray,' said my gracious hostess, without advancing so much as a finger +towards the letter which I offered. I felt myself redden, but I bit my +lip and made a new attempt. + +'Mrs Murray,' said I, 'gives me reason to hope that I may be favoured +with your advice.' + +'You are a much better judge of your own concerns, Miss Percy, than I +can be.' + +'I am so entirely a stranger here, madam, that I should be indebted to +any advice which might assist me in procuring respectable employment.' + +'I really know nobody just now that wants a person in your line, Miss +Percy.' In my line! The phrase was certainly not conciliating. 'Indeed I +rather wonder what could make my friend Mrs Murray direct you to me.' + +'A confidence in your willingness to oblige her, I presume, madam,' +answered I; no longer able to brook the cool insolence of my companion. + +'I should be glad to oblige her,' returned the impenetrable Mrs St +Clare; without discomposing a muscle except those necessary to +articulation; 'so if I happen to hear of any thing in your way I will +let you know. In the mean time, it may be prudent to go home to your +friends, and remain with them till you find a situation.' + +'Had it been possible for me to follow this advice, madam,' cried I, the +scalding tears filling my eyes, 'you had never been troubled with this +visit.' + +'Hum. I suppose you have not money to carry you home. Eh?' + +I would have retorted the insolent freedom of this question with a burst +of indignant reproof; but my utterance was choked; I had not power to +articulate a syllable. + +'Though I am not fond of advancing money to people I know nothing +about,' continued the lady, 'yet upon Mrs Murray's account here are five +pounds, which I suppose will pay your passage to London.' + +For more than a year I had maintained a daily struggle with my pride; +and I fancied that I had, in no small degree, prevailed. Alas! occasion +only was wanting to show me the strength of my enemy. To be thus +coarsely offered an alms by a common stranger, roused at once the +sleeping serpent. A sense of my destitute state, dependent upon +compassion, defenceless from insult; a remembrance of my better fortune; +pride, shame, indignation, and a struggle to suppress them all, entirely +overcame me. A darkness passed before my eyes; the blood sprang +violently from my nostrils; I darted from the room without uttering a +word; and, before I was sensible of my actions, found myself in the open +air. + +I was presently surrounded by persons of all ranks; for the people of +Scotland have yet to learn that unity of purpose which carries forward +my townsmen without a glance to the right hand or the left; and I know +not if ever the indisposition of a court beauty was enquired after in +such varied tones of sympathy as now reached my ear. In a few minutes +the fresh air had so completely restored me, that the only disagreeable +consequence of my indisposition was the notice which it had attracted. I +took refuge from the awkwardness of my situation in the only shop which +was then within sight; and soon afterwards proceeded unmolested to my +lonely home. + +There I had full leisure to reconsider my morning's adventure. The time +had been when the bare suspicion of a wound would have made my +conscience recoil from the probe. The time had been when I would have +shaded my eye from the light which threatened to show the full form and +stature of my bosom foe; for then, a treacherous will took part against +me, and even my short conflicts were enfeebled by relentings towards the +enemy. But now the will, though feeble, was honest; and I could bear to +look my sin in the face, without fear, that lingering love should forbid +its extermination. A review of my feelings and behaviour towards Mrs St +Clare brought me to a full sense of the unsubdued and unchristian temper +which they betrayed. I saw that whilst I had imagined my 'mountain to +stand strong,' it was yet heaving with the wreckful fire. I felt, and +shuddered to feel, that I had yet part in the spirit of the arch-rebel; +and I wept in bitterness of heart, to see that my renunciation of my +former self had spared so much to show that I was still the same. + +Yet had this sorrow no connection with the fear of punishment. I had +long since exchanged the horror of the culprit who trembles before his +judge, for the milder anguish which bewails offence against the father +and the friend; and when I considered that my offences would cease but +with my life,--that the polluted mansion must be rased ere the incurable +taint could be removed,--I breathed from the heart the language in which +the patriarch deprecates an earthly immortality; and even at nineteen, +when the youthful spirit was yet unbroken, and the warm blood yet +bounded cheerily, I rejoiced from the soul that I should 'not live +alway.' Nor had my sorrow any resemblance to despair. A sense of my +obstinate tendency to evil did but rouse me to resolutions of exertion; +for I knew that will and strength to continue the conflict were a pledge +of final victory. + +Considering that humility, like other habits, was best promoted by its +own acts, I that very hour forced my unwilling spirit to submission, by +despatching the following billet to Mrs St Clare:-- + + 'Madam,--Strong, and I confess blamable, emotion prevented me this + morning from acknowledging your bounty, for which I am not + certainly the less indebted that I decline availing myself of it. I + feel excused for this refusal, by the knowledge that circumstances, + with which it is unnecessary to trouble you, preclude the + possibility of applying your charity to the purpose for which it + was offered. + + 'I am, &c. + + 'ELLEN PERCY.' + +If others should be of opinion, as I now am, that the language of this +billet inclined more to the stately than the conciliating, let them look +back to the time when duty, compassion, and gratitude, could not extort +from me one word of concession to answer the parting kindness of my +mother's friend. And let them learn to judge of the characters of others +with a mercy which I do not ask them to bestow upon mine; let them +remember that, while men's worst actions are necessarily exposed to +their fellow-men, there are few who, like me, unfold their temptations, +or record their repentance. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 1: No Highlander praises any living creature without adding +this benediction. It is not confined, in its application, to human +beings. If the subject of it belong to the speaker, this expression of +dependence is intended to exclude boasting; if you commend what is the +property of another, the Highland dread of an evil eye obliged you to +intimate that you praise without envy. To be vain of a possession is +justly considered as provoking Heaven to withdraw it, or to make it an +instrument of punishment; and no true Highlander ever expected comfort +in what had been envied or greedily desired by another. + +Upon the same account, it is not judged polite to ask, nor safe to tell +the number of a flock, or of a family. I once asked a countrywoman the +number of a fine brood of chickens. 'They're as many as were gi'en,' +said she; 'I'm sure I never counted them.'] + +[Footnote 2: Mo cuilean ghaolach.--_Gaelic._] + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + _His years are young, but his experience old. + His head unmellowed,--but his judgment ripe. + And, in a word, (for far behind his worth, + Come all the praises that I now bestow,) + He is complete in feature and in mind, + With all good grace to grace a gentleman._ + + Shakspeare. + + +I was now in a situation which might have alarmed the fears even of one +born to penury and inured to hardship. Every day diminished a pittance +which I had no means of replacing; and, in an isolation which debarred +me alike from sympathy and protection, I was suffering the penalty of +that perverse temper, which had preferred exile among strangers to an +imaginary degradation among 'my own people.' + +As it became absolutely necessary to discover some means of immediate +subsistence, I expended part of my slender finances in advertising my +wishes and qualifications; but not one enquiry did the advertisement +produce. Perhaps the Scottish mothers in those days insisted upon some +acquaintance with the woman to whom they committed the education of +their daughters, beyond what was necessary to ascertain her knowledge of +the various arts of squandering time. I endeavoured to ward off actual +want by such pastime work as had once ministered to my amusement, and +afterwards to my convenience; but I soon found that my labours were as +useless as they were light; for Edinburgh, at that time, contained no +market for the fruits of feminine ingenuity. + +In such emergency, it is not to be wondered if my spirits faltered. My +improvident lightness of heart forsook me; and though I often resolved +to face the storm bravely, I resolved it with the tears in my eyes. I +asked myself a hundred times a day, what better dependence I could wish +than on goodness which would never withhold, and power which could never +be exhausted? And yet, a hundred times a day I looked forward as +anxiously as if my dependence had been upon the vapour tossed by the +wind. I felt that, though I had possessed the treasures of the earth, +the blessing of Heaven would have been necessary to me; and I knew that +it would be sufficient, although that earth should vanish from her +place. Yet I often examined my decaying means of support as mournfully +as if I had reversed the sentiment of the Roman; and 'to live,' had been +the only thing necessary. + +I was thus engaged one morning, when I heard the voice of Murray +enquiring for me. Longing to meet once more the glance of a friendly +eye, I was more than half tempted to retract my general order for his +exclusion. I had only a moment to weigh the question, yet the prudent +side prevailed; because, if the truth must be told, I chanced just then +to look into my glass; and was ill satisfied with the appearance of my +swoln eyes and colourless cheeks; so well did the motives of my +unpremeditated actions furnish a clue to the original defects of my +mind. However, though I dare not say that my decision was wise, I may at +least call it fortunate; since it probably saved me from one of those +frothy passions which idleness, such as I was condemned to, sometimes +engenders in the heads of those whose hearts are by nature placed in +unassailable security. This ordinary form of the passion was certainly +the only one in which it could then have affected me; for what woman, +educated as I had been, early initiated like me into heartless +dissipation, was ever capable of that deep, generous, self-devoting +sentiment which, in retirement, springs amid mutual charities and mutual +pursuits; links itself with every interest of this life; and twines +itself even with the hopes of immortality? My affections and my +imagination were yet to receive their culture in the native land of +strong attachment, ere I could be capable of such a sentiment. + +As I persevered in excluding Murray, the only being with whom I could +now exchange sympathies was my new Highland friend, Cecil Graham. I +often saw her; and when I had a little conquered my disgust at the filth +and disorder of her dwelling, I found my visits there as amusing as many +of more 'pomp and circumstance.' She was to me an entirely new specimen +of human character; an odd mixture of good sense and superstition,--of +minute parsimony and liberal kindness,--of shrewd observation, and a +land of romantic abstraction from sensible objects. Every thing that was +said or done, suggested to her memory an adventure of some 'gallant +Graham,' or, to her fancy, the agency of some unseen being. + +I had heard Maitland praise the variety, grace, and vigour of the Gaelic +language. 'If we should ever meet again,' thought I, 'I should like to +surprise him pleasantly;' so, in mere dearth of other employment, I +obliged Cecil to instruct me in her mother-tongue. The undertaking was +no doubt a bold one, for I had no access to Gaelic books; nor if I had, +could Cecil have read one page of them, though she could laboriously +decipher a little English. But I cannot recollect that I was ever +deterred by difficulty. While Cecil was busy at her spinning, I made her +translate every name and phrase which occurred to me; tried to imitate +the uncouth sounds she uttered; and then wrote them down with vast +expense of consonants and labour. My progress would, however, have been +impossible, if Cecil's dialect had been as perplexing to me as that of +the Lowlanders of her own rank. But though her language was not exactly +English, it certainly was not Scotch. It was foreign rather than +provincial. It was often odd, but seldom unintelligible. 'I learnt by +book,' said she once when I complimented her on this subject; 'and I had +a good deal of English; though I have lost some of it now, speaking +among this uncultivate' people.' + +Cecil, who had no idea that labour could be its own reward, was very +desirous to unriddle my perseverance in the study of Gaelic. But she +never questioned me directly; for, with all her honesty, Cecil liked to +exert her ingenuity in discovering by-ways to her purpose. 'You'll be +thinking of going to the North Country?' said she one day, in the tone +of interrogation. I told her I had no such expectation. 'You'll may be +get a good husband to take you there yet; and that's what I am sure I +wish,' said Cecil; as if she thought she had invocated for me the sum of +all earthly good. + +'Thank you, Cecil; I am afraid I have no great chance.' + +'You don't know,' answered Cecil, in a voice of encouragement. 'Lady +Eredine hersel' was but a Southron, with your leave.' + +I laughed; for I had observed that Cecil always used this latter form of +apology when she had occasion to mention any thing mean or offensive. +'How came the laird,' said I, 'to marry one who was but a Southron?' + +'Indeed, she was just his fortune, lady,' said Cecil, 'and he could not +go past her. And Mr Kenneth himsel' too is ordained, if he live, save +him, to one from your country.' + +'Have you the second-sight, Cecil, that you know so well what is +ordained for Mr Kenneth?' + +'No, no, lady,' said Cecil, shaking her head with great solemnity, 'if +you'll believe me, I never saw any thing _by_ common. But we have a word +that goes in our country, that "a doe will come from the strangers' land +to couch in the best den in Glen Eredine." And the wisest man in +Killifoildich, and that's Donald MacIan, told me, that "the loveliest of +the Saxon flowers would root and spread next the hall hearth of Castle +Eredine."' + +'A very flattering prophecy indeed, Cecil; and if you can only make it +clear that it belongs to me, I must set out for Glen Eredine, and push +my fortune.' + +'That's not to laugh at, lady,' said Cecil very gravely; 'there's nobody +can tell where a blessing may light. You might even get our dear Mr +Henry himsel', if he knew but what a good lady you are.' + +Now this 'Mr Henry himsel' was Cecil's hero. She thought Mr Kenneth, +indeed, entitled to precedence as the elder brother and heir-apparent; +but her affections plainly inclined towards Henry. He was her constant +theme. Wherever her tales began, they always ended in the praises of +Henry Graham. She told me a hundred anecdotes to illustrate his contempt +of danger, his scorn of effeminacy, his condescension and liberality; +and twice as many which illustrated nothing but her enthusiasm upon the +subject. Her enthusiasm had, indeed, warmth and nature enough to be +contagious. Henry Graham soon ceased to be a mere stranger to me. I +listened to her tales till I knew how to picture his air and +gestures,--till I learned to anticipate his conduct like that of an old +acquaintance; and till Cecil herself was not more prepared than I, to +expect from him every thing noble, resolute, and kind. + +To her inexpressible sorrow, however, this idol of her fancy was only an +occasional visiter in Glen Eredine; for which misfortune she accounted +as follows:-- + +'It will be twenty years at Michaelmas[3], since some of that Clan +Alpine, who, by your leave, were never what they should be, came and +lifted the cattle of Glen Eredine; and no less would serve them but they +took Lady Eredine's _oun_ cow, that was called Lady Eredine after the +lady's _oun_ sel'. Well! you may judge, lady, if Eredine was the man to +let them keep _that_ with peace and pleasure. Good troth, the laird +swore that he would have them all back, hoof and horn, if there was a +stout heart in Glen Eredine. Mr Kenneth was in the town then at his +learning; more was the pity--but it was not his fault that he was not +there to fight for's _oun_. So the laird would ha' won the beasts home +himsel', and that would _he_. But Mr Henry was just set upon going; and +he begged so long and so sore, that the laird just let him take's will. +Donald MacIan minds it all; for he was standing next the laird's own +chair when he laid's hand upon Mr Henry's head, and says he, "Boy," says +he, "I am sure you'll never shame Glen Eredine and come back +empty-handed." And then his honour gave a bit nod with's head to Donald, +as much as bid him be near Mr Henry; and Donald told me his heart grew +great, and it was no gi'en him to say one word; but thinks he, "I shall +be _cutted_ in inches before he miss me away from him." + +'So ye see, there were none went but Donald and three more; for Mr Henry +said that he would make no more dispeace than enough; so much +forethought had he, although he was but, I may say, a child; and Donald +told me that he followed these cattle by the lay of the heather, just as +if he had been thirty years of age; for the eagle has not an eye like +his; ay, and he travelled the whole day without so much as stopping to +break bread, although you may well think, lady, that, in those days, his +teeth were longer than's beard. And at night he rolled him in's plaid, +and laid him down with the rest, as many other good gentles have done +before, when we had no inns, nor coaches, nor such like niceties. + +'Well! in the morning he's astir before the roes; and, with grey light, +the first sight he sees coming down Bonoghrie is the Glen Eredine +cattle, and Lady Eredine the foremost. And there was Neil Roy Vich +Roban, and Callum Dubh, and five or six others little worth, with your +leave; and Donald knew not how many more might be in the shealing. Ill +days were then; for the red soldier were come in long before that, and +they had taken away both dirk and gun; ay, and the very claymore that +Ronald Graham wagged in's hand o'er Colin Campbell's neck, was taken and +a'. So he that was born to as many good swords, and targes, and dirks, +as would have busked all Glen Eredine, had no a weapon to lift but what +grew on's _oun_ hazels! But the Grahams, lady, will grip to their foe +when the death-stound's in their fingers. So Mr Henry he stood foremost, +as was well his due; and he bade Neil Roy to give up these beasts with +peace. Well! what think you, lady? the fellow, with your leave, had the +face to tell the laird's son that he had ta'en, and he would keep. "If +you can," quo' Mr Henry, "with your eight men against five." Then Neil +he swore that the like should never be said of him; and he bade Mr Henry +choose any five of his company to fight the Glen Eredine men. "A +bargain!" says Mr Henry, "so Neil I choose you; and shame befa' the +Graham that takes no the stoutest foe he finds." Och on! lady, if you +did but hear Donald tell of that fight. It would make your very skin +creep cold. Well, Mr Henry he held off himsel' so well that Neil at the +length flew up in a rage, and out with's dirk to stick her in our sweet +lamb's heart; but she was guided to light in's arm. Then Donald he got +sight of the blood, and he to Neil like a hawk on a muir-hen, and +gripped him with both's hands round the throat, and held him there till +the dirk fell out of's fingers; and all the time Callum Dubh was +threshing at Donald as had he been corn, but Donald never heeded. Then +Mr Henry was so good that he ordered to let Neil go, and helped him up +with's _oun_ hand; but he flung the dirk as far as he could look at her. + +'Well! by this time two of the Macgregors had their backs to the earth; +so the Glen Eredine men that had settled them, shouted and hurra'd, and +away to the cattle. And one cried Lady Eredine, and the other cried +Dubhbhoidheach[4]; and the poor beasts knew their voices and came to +them. But Mr Henry caused save Janet Donelach's cows first, because she +was a widow, and had four young mouths to fill. Be's will, one way or +other, they took the cattle, as the laird had said, hoof and horn; and +the Aberfoyle men durst not lift a hand to hinder them, because Neil +had bound himsel' under promise, that none but five should meddle.' + +'But Cecil,' interrupted I, growing weary of this rude story, 'what has +all this to do with Henry Graham's exile from Glen Eredine?' + +'Yes, lady,' answered Cecil, 'it has to do; for it was the very thing +that parted him from's own. For, you see, the Southron sheriffs were set +up before that time; and the laird himsel' could not get's will of any +body, as he had a good right; for they must meddle, with your leave, in +every thing. The thistle's beard must na' flee by, but they must catch +and look into. So when the sheriff heard of the Glen Eredine spraith, he +sent out the red soldiers, and took Neil Roy, and Callum Dubh, and +prisoned them in Stirling Castle; and the word went that they were to be +hanged, with your leave, if witness could be had against them; and +Donald, and the rest of them that fought the Aberfoyle men, were bidden +come and swear again' them. Then the word gaed that the sheriff would +have Mr Henry too; but Lady Eredine being a Southron herself, with your +leave, was always wishing to send Mr Henry to the strangers, so now she +harped upon the laird till he just let her take her will. + +'So, rather than spill man's life, Mr Henry left both friend and +foster-brother, and them that could have kissed the ground he trode +upon. Och hone! Either I mind that day, or else I have been well told +of; for it comes like a dream to me, how my mother took me up in her +arms, and followed him down the glen. Young and old were there; and the +piper he went foremost, playing the lament. Not one spake above their +breath. My mother wouldno' make up to bid farewell; but when she had +gone till she was no' able for more, she stood and looked, and sent her +blessing with him; wishing him well back, and soon. But the babies that +were in arms that day ran miles to meet him the next time he saw Glen +Eredine.' + +'And what became of the two prisoners?' I enquired at the close of this +long story. + +''Deed, lady,' replied Cecil, 'they were just forced to let them out +again; for two of our lads hid themselves not to bear witness; and as +for Donald MacIan and Duncan Bane, they answered so wisely that nobody +could make mischief of what they said. So Neil, that very night he was +let out, he lifted four of the sheriffs cows, just for a warning to him; +and drave them to Glen Eredine, in a compliment to Mr Henry.' + +This tale, and twenty others of the same sort, while they strengthened +my interest in Cecil's hero, awakened some curiosity to witness the +singular manners which they described. I was not aware how much the +innovations and oppressions of twenty years had defaced the bold +peculiarities of Highland character; how, stripped of their national +garb, deprived of the weapons which were at once their ornament, +amusement, and defence, this hardy race had bent beneath their fate, +seeking safety in evasion, and power in deceit. Nor did I at all suspect +how much my ignorance of their language disqualified me from observing +their remaining characteristics. + +But curiosity is seldom very troublesome to the poor; and the vulgar +fear of want was soon strong enough to divert my interest from all that +Cecil could tell me of the romantic barbarisms of her countrymen; or of +the bright eye, the manly port, the primitive hardihood, and the +considerate benevolence of Henry Graham. + +I was soon obliged to apply to her for information of a different kind. +My wretched fund was absolutely exhausted, and still no prospect opened +of employment in any form. Having no longer the means of procuring a +decent shelter, I seemed inevitably doomed to be destitute and homeless. +One resource, indeed, remained to me in the plain but decent wardrobe +which I had brought to Scotland. It is true, this could furnish only a +short-lived abundance, since principle, no less than convenience, had +prescribed to me frugality in my attire: but our ideas accommodate +themselves to our fortunes; and I, who once should have thought myself +beggared if reduced to spend 500_l._ a year, now rejoiced over a +provision for the wants of one week as over treasure inexhaustible. + +I found it easier, however, to resolve upon parting with my superfluous +apparel, than to execute my resolution. Ignorant of the means of +transacting this humbling business, I had not the courage to expose my +poverty, by asking instructions. I often argued this point with myself; +and proved, to my own entire conviction, that poverty was no disgrace, +since it had been the lot of patriots, endured by sages, and preferred +by saints. Nevertheless, it is not to be told with what contrivance I +obtained from Cecil the information necessary for my purpose, nor with +what cautious concealment I carried it into effect. Having once, +however, conquered the first difficulties, I went on without hesitation: +it was so much more easy to part with a superfluous trifle than to beg +the assistance, or sue for the patronage, of strangers. + +My last resource, however, proved even more transient than I had +expected. I soon found it absolutely necessary to bend my spirit to my +fortunes, and to begin a personal search for employment. On a stern +wintry morning I set out for this purpose, with that feeling of dreary +independence which belongs to those who know that they can claim no +favour from any living soul. I applied at every music shop, and made +known my qualifications at every boarding-school I could discover. At +some I was called, with forward curiosity, to exhibit my talent; and the +disgust of my forced compliance was heightened by the coarse applause I +received. From some I was dismissed, with a permission to call again; at +others I was informed that every department of tuition was already +overstocked with teachers of preeminent skill. + +At last I thought myself most fortunate in obtaining the address of a +lady who wanted a governess for six daughters; but having examined me +from head to foot, she dismissed me, with a declaration that she saw I +would not do. Before I could shut the room-door, I heard the word +'beauty' uttered with most acrimonious emphasis. The eldest of the young +ladies squinted piteously, and the second was marked with the small-pox. + +All that I gained by a whole day wandering was the opportunity of +economising, by remaining abroad till the dinner hour was past. Heroines +of romance often show a marvellous contempt for the common necessaries +of life; from whence I am obliged to infer that their biographers never +knew the real evils of penury. For my part, I must confess that +remembrance of my better days, and prospects of the dreary future, were +not the only feelings which drew tears down my cheek, as I cowered over +the embers of a fire almost as low as my fortunes, and almost as cold as +my hopes. We generally make the most accurate estimate of ourselves when +we are stripped of all the externals which serve to magnify us in our +own eyes. I had often confessed that all my comforts were +undeserved,--that I escaped every evil only by the mitigation of a +righteous sentence; but I had never so truly felt the justice of this +confession as now, when nothing was left me which could, by any latitude +of language, be called my own. Yet, though depressed, I was not +comfortless; for I knew that my deserts were not the measure of my +blessings; and when I remembered that my severest calamities had led to +substantial benefit,--that even my presumption and self-will had often +been over-ruled to my advantage,--I felt at once a disposition to +distrust my own judgment of present appearances, and an irresistible +conviction that, however bereaved, I should not be forsaken. I fear it +is not peculiar to me to reserve a real trust in Providence for the time +which offers nothing else to trust. However, I mingled tears with +prayers, and doubtful anticipation with acts of confidence, till, my +mind as weary as my frame, I found refuge from all my cares in a sleep +more peaceful than had often visited my pillow when every luxury that +whim could crave waited my awaking. + +I was scarcely dressed, next morning, when my landlady bustled into my +apartment with an air of great importance. She seated herself with the +freedom which she thought my situation entitled her to use; and abruptly +enquired, whether I was not seeking employment as a governess? A sense +of the helplessness and desolation which I had brought upon myself had +so well subdued my spirit, that I answered this unceremonious question +only by a meek affirmative. Mrs Milne then, with all the exultation of a +patroness, declared that she would recommend me to an excellent +situation; and proceeded to harangue concerning her 'willingness to +befriend people, because there was no saying how soon she herself might +need a friend.' + +I submitted, resignedly enough, to the ostentation of vulgar patronage, +while Mrs Milne unfolded her plan. Her sister, she told me, was +waiting-maid to a lady who wanted a governess for her only child,--a +girl about ten years old. She added, that believing me to have come into +Scotland with a view to employment of that kind, she had mentioned me to +this sister; who, she hinted, had no small influence with her mistress. +Finally, she advised me to lose no time in offering my services; +because, as Mrs Boswell's plan of education was now full four-and-twenty +hours old, nobody who knew her could expect its continuance, unless +circumstances proved peculiarly favourable to its stability. + +Though I could not help smiling at my new channel of introduction, I was +in no situation to despise any prospect of employment; and I immediately +proceeded to enquire into the particulars of the offered situation, and +into my chance of obtaining it. I was informed that Mr Boswell, having, +in the course of a long residence in one of the African settlements, +realised a competent fortune, had returned home to spend it among his +relations; that he was a good-natured, easy man, who kept a handsome +establishment, loved quiet, a good dinner, and a large allowance of +claret; that in the first of these luxuries he was rather sparingly +indulged by his lady, who, nevertheless, was a very endurable sort of +person to those who could suit themselves to her way. These, however, +were so few, that but for one or two persons made obsequious by +necessity, the Boswells would have eaten their ragouts and drunk their +claret alone. + +All this was not very encouraging; but it was not for me to startle at +trifles; and I only expressed my fears that the recommendation of the +waiting-maid might not be thought quite sufficient to procure for me +such a trust as the education of an only child. 'Oh! for that matter,' +said my landlady, 'if you put yourself in luck's way, you have as good a +chance as another; for Mrs Boswell will never fash to look after only +but them that looks after her.' + +Agreeably to this opinion, I had no sooner swallowed my spare breakfast +than I walked to George Square, to present myself to Mrs Boswell. I was +informed at her door that she was in bed; but that if I returned about +one o'clock, I should probably find her stirring. At the hour appointed, +I returned accordingly; and, after some demur and consultation between +the footman and the housemaid, I was shown into a handsome breakfast +parlour, where, upon a fashionable couch, half sat, half lay, Mrs +Boswell. + +Her thin sharp face, high nose, and dark eyes, gave her at the first +glance, an air of intelligence; but when I looked again, her curveless +mouth, her wandering eyebrows, and low contracted forehead, obliged me +to form a different judgment. The last impression was probably +heightened by the employment in which I found her engaged. From a large +box of trinkets which stood before her, she was bedizening herself and a +pretty little fair-haired girl with every possible variety of bauble. +Each was decked with at least half a dozen necklaces, studded all over +with _mal-a-propos_ clasps and broaches, and shackled with a multitude +of rings and bracelets; so that they looked like two princesses of the +South Sea Islands. All this was surveyed with such gravity and +self-importance, as showed that the elder baby had her full share in the +amusement. + +Mrs Boswell did not rise to receive me; but she stirred, which was a +great deal for Mrs Boswell. I made my obeisance with no very good will; +and told her, that hearing she wanted a governess for Miss Boswell, I +had taken the liberty to wait upon her. + +Mrs Boswell only answered me by something which she intended for a +smile. Most smiles express either benevolence or gaiety; but Mrs +Boswell's did neither. It was a mere extension of the mouth; she never +used any other. 'My pretty love,' said she, addressing herself to the +child, 'will you go and tell Campbell to find my--a--my musk-box; and +you can help her to seek it, you know.' + +'No, I won't!' bawled the child; 'for I know you only want to send me +away that you may talk to the lady about that nasty governess.' + +'I an't going to talk about any nasty governess. Do go now, there's a +dear; and I'll take you out in the carriage, and buy you another new +doll,--a large one with blue eyes.' + +'No you won't,' retorted miss; 'for you promised me the doll if I would +learn to write _O_, and you did not give it me then; no more will you +now.' + +'A pretty ground-work for my labours!' thought I. + +The altercation was carried on long and briskly, mingled with occasional +appeals to me. 'Miss Percy, did you ever see such a child?' + +'Oh yes, madam,--a great many such.' + +'She has, to be sure, such an unmanageable temper! But then' (in a half +whisper), 'the wonderfullest clever little creature! Now, do, Jessie, go +out of the room when you are bid.' + +At last, command and stratagem being found equally unavailing, Mrs +Boswell was obliged to take the course which many people would have +preferred from the first; and proceeded to her business in spite of the +presence of Miss Jessie. + +'Can you teach the _piano_?' + +'I believe I understand music tolerably well; and though I am a very +inexperienced teacher, I would endeavour to show no want of patience or +assiduity.' + +'And singing?' said Mrs Boswell, yawning. + +'I have been taught to sing.' + +'And French, and geography, and all the rest of it?' + +I was spared the difficulty of answering this comprehensive question by +my pupil elect, who by this time had sidled close up to me, and was +looking intently in my face. 'You an't the governess your own self? Are +you?' said she. + +'I hope I shall be so, my dear.' + +'I thought you had been an ugly cross old thing! You an't cross. Are +you?' + +'No. I do not think I am.' + +'I dare say you are very funny and good-natured.' + +Mrs Boswell gave me a glance which she intended should express sly +satisfaction. 'You would like to _larn_ music and every thing of that +pretty lady, wouldn't you?' said she to her daughter. + +'No. I would never like to _larn_ nothing at all; but I should like her +to stay with me, if she would play with me, and never bother me with +that nasty spelling-book.' + +'Well, she shan't bother you. Miss Percy, what terms do you expect?' + +'These I leave entirely to you and Mr Boswell, madam. Respectable +protection is the more important consideration with me.' + +'To be sure protection is very important,' said Mrs Boswell, once more +elongating her mouth; and she made a pause of at least five minutes, to +recruit after such an unusual expense of idea. This time I employed in +making my court so effectually to the young lady, that when her mother +at last mentioned the time of my removal to George Square, she became +clamorous for my returning that evening. A new set of stratagems was +vainly tried to quiet my obstreperous inviter; and then mamma, as usual, +gave up the point. 'Pray come to-night, if you can,' said she, 'or there +will be no peace.' + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 3: 'The tract of country which has been described appears, +however, to have enjoyed a considerable degree of tranquillity, till +about the year 1746. At that time it became infested with a lawless band +of depredators, whose fortunes had been rendered desperate by the event +of 1745, and whose habits had become incompatible with a life of +sobriety and honesty. These banditti consisted chiefly of emigrants from +Lochaber and the remoter parts of the Highlands.' + +'In convenient spots they erected temporary huts, where they met from +time to time, and regaled themselves at the expense of the peaceable +and defenceless inhabitants. The ruins of these huts are still to be +seen in the woods. They laid the country under contribution; and +whenever any individual was so unfortunate as to incur their +resentment, he might lay his account with having his cattle carried off +before morning.'--_Graham's Sketches of Perthshire._] + +[Footnote 4: Black beauty--pronounced tu voiach.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + _Dependence! heavy, heavy, are thy chains, + And happier they who from the dangerous sea, + Or the dark mine, procure with ceaseless pains, + A hard-earned pittance--than who trust to thee._ + + Charlotte Smith. + + +By some untoward fate, the government of husbands generally falls into +the hands of those who are not likely to bring the art into repute. +Women of principle refuse the forbidden office; women of sense steadily +shut their eyes against its necessity in their own case; warm affection +delights more in submission than in sway; and against the influence of +genius an ample guard is provided in the jealousy of man. Mrs Boswell +being happily exempt from any of these disqualifications, did her best +to govern her husband. There was nothing extraordinary in the attempt, +but I was long perplexed to account for its success, for Mr Boswell was +not a fool. The only theory I could ever form on the subject was, that +being banished during his exile in the colony from all civilised +society, having little employment, and none of the endless resource +supplied by literary habits, Mr Boswell had found himself dependent for +comfort and amusement upon his wife. She, on her part, possessed one +qualification for improving this circumstance to the advancement of her +authority; she was capable of a perseverance in sullenness, which no +entreaties could move, and no submissions could mollify. She had, +besides, some share of beauty; and though this was of course a very +transient engine of conjugal sway, she gained perhaps as much from the +power of habit over an indolent mind, as she lost by the invariable law +of wedlock. Finally, where authority failed, Mrs Boswell could have +recourse to cunning. A screw will often work where more direct force is +useless; and whatever understanding Mrs Boswell possessed was of the +tortuous kind. All her talents for rule, however, were exerted upon Mr +Boswell. Her child, her servants, any body who would take the trouble, +performed the same office for herself. Except when she was capriciously +seized with a fit of what she thought firmness, clamour or flattery were +all-prevailing with her. + +The very first evening which I spent in her house, furnished me with a +specimen of her habits. 'Will you begin French with Jessie to-morrow?' +said she to me, with one of her most complaisant simpers. + +'I should think, my darling,' said Mr Boswell, not much in the tone of a +master, 'that, if you please, it may be as well to exercise her a little +more in English first.' + +'She can learn that at any time,' said Mrs Boswell, dismissing her +smiles. + +'Don't you think she had better begin with what is most necessary?' said +the husband. + +'We can't be losing Miss Percy's time with English,' returned the wife, +without deigning to turn her eyes or her head. + +Mr Boswell paused to recruit his courage; and then said meekly, 'I dare +say Miss Percy will not consider her time as lost in teaching any thing +you may think for the child's advantage.' + +'Certainly not,' answered I; for Mr Boswell spoke with a look of appeal +to me. + +Mrs Boswell sat silent for five minutes, settling all the rings upon all +her fingers. 'Any body can hear the child read,' said she, at last, +without altering her tone or a muscle of her face. + +'But Miss Percy's language and pronunciation are such admirable models, +that----' Mr Boswell stopped short, arrested by symptoms which I had not +yet learned to discern. The lady uttered not another syllable, nor did +she once raise her eyes till we were about to retire for the night. + +'Shall I then give Miss Jessie a lesson in English grammar to-morrow +morning?' said I, addressing myself to Mr Boswell; merely from a feeling +that the father had a right to direct the education of his child. + +'As--as you think best--as you please,' answered Mr Boswell +hesitatingly; and casting towards his spouse a glance of timid enquiry, +which she did not answer even by a look. + +I attended her to her bedchamber, where to my great surprise she drew +me in and hastily locked the door; leaving Mr Boswell, who was following +close behind, to amuse himself in the lobby. She then seated herself; +and, with all the coolness in the world, began talking to me of negroes, +gold dust, and ivory. Presently Mr Boswell came, and gently requested +admission. Of this request the lady took no notice whatever. Some time +afterwards the summons was repeated, but still without effect. 'I am +afraid I exclude Mr Boswell,' said I, rising and wishing her good night. +'Oh never mind,' said the lady, nodding her head, and endeavouring to +look arch. Again I offered to go, but she would not allow me to move; +and as she had put the key of the room-door into her pocket, I had no +means of retreat. At last Mr Boswell, hopeless of effecting a lodgment +in his own apartment, retired to another; and as soon as the lady had, +by listening, ascertained this fact, she opened the door and permitted +me to depart. + +For four days Mrs Boswell never honoured her lord with the slightest +mark of her notice. When he addressed her, whether in the tone of remark +or of conciliation, she gave no sign of hearing. She would not even +condescend to account for her behaviour by seeming out of humour; for to +me she was all smiles and courtesy; and towards poor Mr Boswell she +merely assumed an air of unconquerable nonchalance. It was in vain that +he acceded to his lady's plan for her daughter's studies. The obdurate +fair was not so to be mollified. At length, on the fifth morning, she +deigned to acknowledge his presence by a short and sullen answer to some +trifle which he uttered. His restoration to favour, however, went on +with rapid progression; and before evening the pair were upon the most +gracious footing imaginable. Being now admitted behind the scenes, I was +perfectly aware of the reason of this change. Mrs Boswell wanted money. + +Indeed I was early made a sort of confidante; that is to say, Mrs +Boswell told me all her likings and dislikes, all her husband's faults, +and all her grounds of quarrel with his relations and her own. She +unfolded to me, besides, many ingenious devices for managing Miss +Jessie, for detecting the servants, and for cajoling Mr Boswell. I must +own I never could discover the necessity for these artifices; but there +is pleasure in every effort of understanding, and I verily believe these +tricks afforded the only exercise of which Mrs Boswell's was capable. + +It is not to be told with what disgust I contemplated this poor woman's +character. Her uniform selfishness, her pitiful cunning, her feeble +stratagems to compass baby ends, filled me with unconquerable contempt; +a contempt which, indeed, I scarcely strove to repress. I imagined it to +be the natural stirring of an honourable indignation. I often repeated +to myself, that 'I would willingly serve the poor creature if I could.' +I always behaved to her with such a show of deference as our mutual +relation demanded, and thus concealed from myself 'what spirit I was +of.' To forgive substantial injury is sometimes less a test of right +temper than to turn an eye of Christian compassion upon the dwarfish +distortion of a mind crippled in all its nobler parts. + +But of all Mrs Boswell's perversions, the most provoking was her +mischievous interference with my pupil. Either from jealousy of my +influence, or from the mere habit of circumvention, a sort of intriguing +was carried on, which the folly of the mother and the simplicity of the +child constantly forced upon my notice. Some indulgence was bestowed, +which was to be kept profoundly secret from the governess; or some +neglected task was to be slily performed by proxy. If the child was +depressed by a sense of my disapprobation, she was to be comforted with +gingerbread and sugar-plums; and then exhorted to wash her mouth, that +Miss Percy might not discover this judicious supply of consolation. + +I believe it is a mistake to suppose that we are not liable to be angry +with those whom we despise. I know I was often so much irritated by the +petty arts of Mrs Boswell, that necessity alone detained me under her +roof. I was the more harassed by her folly; because, duty apart, I had +become extremely interested in the improvement of my young charge. The +_eleve_ of such a mother was, of course, idle, sly, and self-willed; but +Jessie was a pretty, playful creature, with capacity enough to show that +talents are not hereditary, and such a strength of natural kindliness as +had outlived circumstances the most unfavourable to its culture. This +latter quality is always irresistible; and it was more particularly so +to an outcast like myself, who had no living thing to love or trust. + +But for this child, indeed, Mr Boswell's house would have been to me a +perfect solitude. Mrs Boswell was utterly incapable of any thing that +deserved the name of conversation. Six pages a week of a novel, or of +the Lady's Magazine, were the utmost extent of her reading. She did +nothing; therefore we could have no fellowship of employment. She +thought nothing; therefore we could have no intercourse of mind. All +her subjects of interest were strictly selfish; therefore we could not +exchange sympathies. Either her extreme indolence, or a latent +consciousness of inferiority, made her averse to the society of her +equals in rank. Her ignorance or disregard of all established courtesies +had banished from her table every guest, except one old maiden relative, +whose circumstances obliged, and whose meanness inclined, her to grasp +at the stinted civilities of Mrs Boswell. To extort even the slightest +attention from Mr Boswell was, as I soon found, an unpardonable offence. +Thus, though once more nominally connected with my fellow-creatures, I +was, in fact, as lonely as when I first set foot upon a land where every +face was new, and every accent was strange to me. + +In the many thoughtful hours I spent, what lessons did not my proud +spirit receive! All the comforts which I drew from human converse, or +human affection, I owed to a child. For my subsistence I depended upon +one of the most despicable of human beings. But my self-knowledge, +however imperfect, was now sufficient to render me satisfied with any +circumstances which tended to repress my prevailing sin; a temper from +which I even then endeavoured to forebode final, though, alas! +far-distant, victory. + +Almost the only worldly interest or pleasure which remained for me to +forego, I found myself obliged to sacrifice to my new situation. I could +not introduce my pupil to the lowly habitation of my Highland friend; +and I was too completely shackled to go abroad alone. Thus ended my +expectations of reading Ossian in the original; and, what was perhaps a +greater disappointment, thus perished my hopes of surprising Mr +Maitland--if Maitland and I were ever again to meet. That we should meet +I believe I entertained an undefined conviction; for I often caught +myself referring to his opinions, and anticipating his decision. +Unfortunately this belief had no rational foundation. It was merely the +work of fancy, which, wandering over a world that to me had been +desolated, could find no other resting-place. + +Though I had no longer leisure to pursue my Gaelic studies, I could not +entirely relinquish my interest in Cecil Graham; and I seized an hour to +visit and bid her farewell, one morning while Mrs Boswell and my pupil +were gone to purchase toys. + +When I entered Cecil's apartment, she was kneading oat cakes upon the +only chair which it contained, the litter upon her table not leaving +space for such an operation; but on seeing me, she threw aside the +dough; and pulling down a ragged stocking from a rope that stretched +across the room, she wiped the chair, and very cordially invited me to +sit down. 'Don't let me interrupt you, Cecil,' said I. + +'Oh it's no interruption, lady,' returned Cecil. 'I'm sure ye have a +lucky foot; and I was feared that I was no' to see you again, 'at I +was.' + +'Why did not you come and visit me then Cecil?' + +''Deed lady, I was at your lodging one day; and they told me you were +away, and where you were gone to; and I went two or three times and sat +with the childer' upon the step of the door to see if you would, may be, +come out; but I never had luck to see you.' + +'Why did you not enquire for me?' + +'I'se warrant, lady,' said Cecil, with a smile of proud humility, 'they +might have thought a wonder to see the like of me enquiring for you. But +much thought have I had about you. They say "cold is the breath of +strangers[5];" but troth, if you like to believe me, my heart warmed to +you whenever I saw you first.' + +'Truly, Cecil, I like very much to believe you; for there are not many +hearts that warm to me.' + +'I'se tell you, lady, the last time I saw you, ye were no like yoursel'; +ye were a white's canna[6]; and I just thought that, may be, an ill ee, +with your leave, had taken you.' + +'Does an evil eye injure the complexion of any body except the owner, +think you, Cecil?' said I. + +'An eye will split a stone[7], as they'll say in Glen Eredine,' said +Cecil, shaking her head very gravely. 'But I have something, if you +would please to accept; she hit mysel' just on the coat, with your +leave, one night going through under the face of Benarde.' While she +spoke she was searching about her bed, and at length produced a small +stone shaped somewhat like a gun flint.[8] 'Now,' proceeded she, 'ye'll +just sew that within the lining of your stays, lady; or, with your +leave, in the band of your petticoat; and there'll nobody _can_ harm +you.' + +'Thank you, Cecil. But if I rob you of this treasure, who knows how far +your own good fortune may suffer?' + +'Oh laogh mo chridhe[9],' cried Cecil affectionately, 'it's good my part +to venture any thing for your sake; and if it just please Providence to +keep us till we be at Glen Eredine, I'll, may be, get another.' + +I could not help smiling at Cecil's humble substitute for the care of +Providence, and inwardly moralising upon the equal inefficacy of others +which are in more common repute. But as a casual attempt to correct her +superstition would have been more likely to shake her confidence in +myself than in the elfin arrow, I quietly accepted of her gift; +enquiring when she would be in a situation to replace it. + +'I don't know, lady,' answered Cecil with a sigh. 'The weather's clear +and bonny, and I am wearying sore for home; but--but I'm half feared +that Jemmy might no be easy, ye see, when he heard that I was at +Eredine.' + +'How should it make your husband uneasy to hear that you were at home?' + +'I don't know,' said Cecil, looking down with a faint smile, and +stopped; then sighing deeply, she proceeded, relieving her embarrassment +by twisting the string of her apron with great industry. 'Ye see, lady, +I have a friend in Glen Eredine,--I--I--' + +'So much the better, Cecil. That cannot surely be an objection to your +going thither.' + +'I mean,--I would say, a lad like that--I should have married, if it had +been so ordered.' Cecil stopped, and sighed again. + +'And do you think your husband would scruple to trust you, Cecil?' said +I. + +Her embarrassment instantly vanished, and she looked up steadily in my +face. 'No, no, lady!' said she, 'I'll never think such a thought of him. +He's no' so ill-hearted. But he would think that I might be dowie[10] +there, and he so far away; for it's a sore heart to me, that the poor +lad has never been rightly himsel', since my father bade marry Jemmy. +And he'll no be forbidden to stand and look after me, and to make of +little Kenneth there, and fetch hame our cows at night. And ever since +my father died, he'll no be hindered to shear[11] my mother's peats, +although I have never spoken one word to him, good or bad, since that +day that----' + +Cecil paused, and drew her sleeve across her eyes. 'It was so ordered,' +said she, 'and all's for the best.' + +'Yes, but, Cecil, were not you a little hard-hearted, to forsake such a +faithful lover?' + +'Ochone! lady, what could I do? It was well kent he was no fitting for +me. His forbeers were but strangers, with your leave; and though I say +it, I'm sib[12] to the best gentles in the land. So you see my father +would never be brought in.' + +'And you dutifully submitted to your father!' said I, my heart swelling +as I contrasted the filial conduct of this untutored being with my own. + +'Woe's me, lady,--I was his own;--he had a good right that I should do +his bidding. And besides that, I knew that Robert was no ordained for +me;--well knew I that,--that I knew well.' And while I was musing upon +my ill-fated rebellion, Cecil kept ringing changes upon these words; for +she would rather have repeated the same idea twenty times, then have +allowed of a long pause in conversation, where she was the entertainer. + +'How did you discover,' I enquired at length, 'that there was a decree +against your marrying Robert?' + +'I'se tell you, lady,' answered Cecil, lowering her voice; 'we have a +seer[13] in Glen Eredine; and he was greatly troubled with me plainly +standing at Jemmy's left hand. And first he saw it in the morning, and +always farther up in the day, as the time came near. So he had no +freedom in his mind but to tell me. Well, when I heard it, I fell down +just as I had been shot; for I knew then what would be. But we must all +have our fortune, lady. No' that I'm reflecting; for Jemmy's a good man +to me; and an easy life I have had with him.' + +'That is no more than you deserve, Cecil. A dutiful daughter deserves to +be a happy wife.' + +'Well, now, that's the very word that Miss Graham said, when she was +that humble as to busk my first curch[14] with her _oun_ hand; ay that's +what she did; and when she saw me sobbing as my heart would break; +hersel' laid her _oun_ arm about my neck; and says she, just as had I +been her equal, "My dear Cecil," says she. The Lord bless her! I thought +more of these two words, than of all the good plenishing[15] she gave +me. But for a' that, I had a sorrowful time of it at the first; and a +sorrowfuller wedding was never in Glen Eredine, altho' Mr Henry was the +best man himsel'; for you see, Jemmy's his foster-brother.' + +'The best man? Cecil; I do not understand you. I should have thought +the bridegroom might be the most important personage for that day at +least.' + +Cecil soon made me comprehend, that she meant a brideman; whose office, +she said, was to accompany the bridegroom when he went to invite guests +to his wedding, and to attend him when he conducted his bride to her +home. She told me, that, according to the custom of her country, her +wedding was not celebrated till some weeks after she had taken the vows +of wedlock; the Highland husband, once secure of his prize, prudently +postponing the nuptial festivities and the honey-moon, till the close of +harvest brought an interval of leisure. Meanwhile, the forsaken lover, +whose attachment had become respectable by its constancy, as well as +pitiable by its disappointment, was removed from the scene of his +rival's success by the humanity of Henry Graham, who contrived to employ +him in a distant part of the country. But, in the restlessness of a +disordered understanding, poor Robert left his post; wandered +unconsciously many a mile; and reached his native glen on the day of +Cecil's wedding. + +By means of much rhetoric and gesticulation upon Cecil's part, and +innumerable questions upon mine, I obtained a tolerably distinct idea of +the ceremonial of this wedding. Upon the eventful morning, the reluctant +bride presided at a public breakfast, which was attended by all her +acquaintance, and honoured by the presence of 'the laird himsel'.' I +will not bring discredit upon the refinement of my Gael, by specifying +the materials of this substantial repast, as they were detailed to me +with _naive_ vanity by Cecil; but I may venture to tell, that, like more +elegant fetes of the same name, it was succeeded by dancing. 'I danced +with the rest,' said Cecil, 'tho', with your leave, it made my very +heart sick; and many a time I thought, oh, if this dancing were but for +my lykwake.'[16] The harbingers of the bridegroom, (or, to use Cecil's +phrase, the _send_,) a party of gay young men and women, arrived. Cecil, +according to etiquette, met them at the door, welcomed, and offered them +refreshments; then turned from them, as the prisoner from one who +brings his death-warrant, struggling to gather decent fortitude from +despair. + +At last the report of a musket announced the approach of the bridegroom; +and it was indispensable that the unwilling bride should go forth to +meet him. 'The wind might have blawn me like the withered leaf,' said +Cecil, 'I was so powerless; but Miss Graham thought nothing to help me +with her _oun_ arm. Jemmy and I _may_ be lucky,' continued she, with a +boding sigh; 'but I am sure it was an unchancy place where we had luck +to meet;--just where the road goes low down into Dorch'thalla[17]; the +very place where Kenneth Roy, that was the laird's grandfather, saw +something that he followed for's ill; and it beguiled him over the rock, +where he would have been dashed in pieces though he had been iron. The +sun never shines where he fell, and the water's aye black there. Well, +it was just there that Jemmy had luck to get sight of us; so then, ye +see, he ran forward to meet me, as the custom is in our country. Oh, +I'll never forget that meeting!' Cecil stopped, shuddering with a look +of horror, which I dared not ask her to explain. 'He took off his +bonnet,' she continued, 'to take, with your leave, what he never took +off my mouth before; but,--oh, I'll never forget that cry! It was like +something unearthly. "Cecil! Cecil!" it cried; and when I looked up, +there's Robert, just where the eagle's nest was wont to be; he was just +setting back's foot, as he would that moment spring down.' + +'Did you save him?' + +'I, lady! I could not have saved him though he had lighted at my foot. I +could do nothing but hide my eyes; and my hands closed so hard, that the +nails drew the very blood!' + +'Dreadful!' I exclaimed, Cecil's infectious horror making the scene +present to me,--'could nobody save him?' + +'Nobody had power to do ought,' answered Cecil, 'save Mr Henry, that's +always ready for good. He spoke with a voice that made the craigs shake +again; and they that saw his eyes, saw the very fire, as he looked +steadily upon Robert, and waved him back with's arm. So then the poor +lad was not so _un_sensible, but he knew to do _his_ bidding, for +they're no born that dare gainsay _him_. And then Mr Henry rounded by +the foot of the craig, and up the hill as he'd been a roe; and he caused +Robert go home with him to the Castle, and caused keep him there, +because he could no settle to work. No' that he's _un_sensible, except +when a notion takes him. There's a glen where we were used to make +carkets[18] when we were herds; and he'll no let the childer' pluck so +much as a gowan there; and ever since the lightning tore the great oak, +he'll sit beside her sometimes the summer's day, and calls her always +"Poor Robert."' + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 5: Is fuar gaoth nan coimheach.] + +[Footnote 6: The down of a plant.] + +[Footnote 7: Sgoltich suil a chlach.] + +[Footnote 8: Elfin _arrow_; more properly, elfin 'bolt.' The Gaelic term +signifies, 'that which can be darted with destructive force;' there is, +therefore, no reason to expect, that these weapons should be feathered +and barbed like common arrows. These bolts are believed to be discharged +by fairies with deadly intent. Nevertheless, when once in the possession +of mortals, they are accounted talismans against witchcraft, evil eyes, +and elfish attacks. They are especially used in curing all such diseases +of cattle as may have been inflicted by the malice of unholy powers. + +The author is in possession of one of these talismans; which +connoisseurs affirm to be no common elfin arrow, but the weapon of an +elf of dignity. It was hurled at a country beauty, whose charms had +captivated the Adonis of the district. The elf being enamoured of this +swain, projected a deadly attack upon her rival. But these arrows are +lethal only when they smite the uncovered skin. This proved the security +of the Gaelic Phillis. The weapon struck her petticoat; she instantly +possessed herself of the talisman, and was ever afterwards invulnerable +to the attacks of fairies. + +Within these twenty years, a staunch Highlander contrived to make her +way into a bridal chamber; and, slitting the bride's new corsets, +introduced an elfin arrow between the folds. The lady, feeling some +inconvenience from this unusual addition to her dress, removed the +charm; in consequence of which rash act she has proved childless!] + +[Footnote 9: A common term of endearment--literally, 'Calf of my +heart.'] + +[Footnote 10: Low-spirited.] + +[Footnote 11: Cut her turf for firing.] + +[Footnote 12: Related.] + +[Footnote 13: One who has the second-sight.] + +[Footnote 14: Until very lately, no unmarried woman in the Highlands +wore any covering on the head; not even at church, or in the open air. A +_snood_, or bandeau of riband or worsted tape, was the only head-dress +for maidens. On the morning after marriage, the cap or curch was put on +with great ceremony, and the matron never again appeared without this +badge of subjection. + +In some parts of the Highlands it is still customary to delay the +wedding for weeks, often for months after the ceremony of marriage has +taken place. The interval is spent by the bride in preparing her bed, +bedding, &c. which it is always her part to supply. The wedding is, with +a coolness of calculation which might satisfy Mr Malthus, generally +postponed till the end of harvest, when labour is scarce, and provisions +plentiful. About a week before the bride's removal to her new home, the +bridegroom and she go separately to invite their acquaintance, sometimes +to the number of hundreds, to the wedding. The bride's approach to her +future dwelling is preceded by that of her household stuff; which +affords the grand occasion of display for Highland vanity. The furniture +is carefully exhibited upon a cart; always surmounted by a +spinning-wheel, the _rock_ loaded with as much lint as it can carry. It +is accompanied by the bride's nearest female relative, and attended by a +piper to announce its progress. The procession is met and welcomed by +the bridegroom and a few select friends. + +The ceremonial of the wedding is conducted exactly according to Cecil's +statement. + +The next morning, the matrons of the neighbourhood commence a visiting +acquaintance, by breakfasting with the married pair; each bringing with +her a present suited to her means, such as lint, pieces of linen, or +dishes of various sorts. Some of these good women generally 'busk the +bride's first curch.' The hair, which the day before hung down in +tresses mixed with riband, is now rolled tightly up on a wooden bodkin, +and fixed on the top of the head. It is then covered with the curch; a +square piece of linen doubled diagonally, and passed round the head +close to the forehead. Young women fasten the ends behind; the old wear +them tied under the chin. The corner behind hangs loosely down. Thus +attired, the bride sits in state, without engaging in any occupation +whatever, until she be 'kirked.' If, however, it happens that the parish +church is vacant, or if it be otherwise inconvenient to attend public +worship, this ceremony can be supplied by her walking three times round +the church, or any of the consecrated ruins with which the Highlands +abound.] + +[Footnote 15: Household furniture.] + +[Footnote 16: Latewake. Watching a corpse before interment. Dancing on +these occasions was once customary, though this practice is now +discontinued. + +'It was a mournful kind of movement, but still it was dancing. The +nearest relation of the deceased often began the ceremony weeping; but +did, however, begin it, to give the example of fortitude and +resignation.'--_Mrs Grant's Essays on the Superstitions of the +Highlanders_, vol. i, p. 188.] + +[Footnote 17: The Dark Den.] + +[Footnote 18: Garlands of flowers for the neck.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + _Not quite an idiot; for her busy brain + Sought, by poor cunning, trifling points to gain; + Success in childish projects her delight._ + + _----So weak a mind, + No art could lead, and no compulsion bind. + The rudest force would fail such mind to tame, + And she was callous to rebuke and shame._ + + Crabbe. + + +Cecil's tale, which included all the evening festivities,--the +ball,--the throwing of the stocking, and the libation of whisky, which +was dashed over the married pair, detained me so long, that Mrs Boswell +and my pupil were at home an hour before me. Mrs Boswell, however, +received me with her usual simper; and suffered the evening to arrive +before she began to investigate, with great contrivance and +circumlocution, the cause of my unusual absence. Though provoked at her +useless cunning, I readily told her where I had been. But, though the +lady had taken me into high favour, and made me the depository of fifty +needless secrets, I saw that she did not believe a word of my statement; +for Mrs Boswell was one of the many whose defects of the head create a +craving for a confidant, while those of the heart will never allow them +to confide. Perceiving that my word was doubted, I disdained further +explanation; and suffered Mrs Boswell to hint and soliloquise without +deigning reply. + +The little dingy cloud, which scarcely added to their accustomed +dulness, was beginning to settle on the features of my hostess, when +another attack was made upon her good humour. My pupil, in a romping +humour which I could not always restrain, pulled out the comb that +confined my hair; which unfortunately extorted from Mr Boswell a +compliment on its luxuriance and beauty. Now Mrs Boswell's _chevelure_ +happened to have an unlucky resemblance to that of a dancing-bear; a +circumstance which I verily believe her poor husband had forgotten, when +he incautiously expressed admiration of auburn curls. The lady's face +was for once intelligible; her lips grew actually livid; and for some +moments she seemed speechless. At last she broke forth. 'Her hair may +well be pretty,' said she; 'I am sure it costs her pains enough.' + +With a smile, more I fear of sarcasm than of good-humour, I thanked her +for helping me to some merit, where I was ignorant that I could claim +any. Mrs Boswell, either fearing to measure her powers of impertinence +with mine, or finding sullenness the most natural expression of her +displeasure, made no reply; but sat for a full hour twisting the corner +of her pocket-handkerchief, without raising her eyes, or uttering a +syllable. At last, she suddenly recovered her spirits; and for the rest +of the evening was remarkably gracious and entertaining. + +I was not yet sufficiently acquainted with Mrs Boswell to perceive any +thing ominous in this change. The next day, however, while I was alone +with my pupil, the child began to frolic round me with a pair of +scissors in her hand; making a feint, as if in sport, to cut off my +hair. A little afraid of such a play-thing, I desired her to desist; +speaking to her, as I always did, in a tone of kindness. 'Would you be +very sorry,' said she, clasping her arms round my neck, and speaking in +a half whisper, 'very, very sorry if all your pretty curls were cut +off?' + +'Indeed, Jessie,' answered I smiling, 'I am afraid I should; more sorry +than the matter would deserve.' + +'Then,' cried the child, throwing away the scissors, 'I won't never cut +off your hair; not though I should be bid a thousand thousand times.' + +'Bid!' repeated I, thrown off my guard by astonishment; 'who could bid +you do such a thing?' + +'Ah! I must not tell you that, unless you were to promise upon your +word----' + +'No,' interrupted I. 'Do not tell me. Be honourable in this at least. +And another time, if you wish to injure me, do so openly. I will endure +all the little evil in your power to inflict, rather than you should +grow up in the habits of cunning.' + +That a mother should thus lay a snare for the rectitude of her child, +must have appeared incredible, could the fact have admitted of a doubt. +I had still too many faults myself to look with calmness upon those of +others; and I was seriously angry. 'How is it possible,' thought I, 'to +form in this child the habits of rectitude, while I am thus provokingly +counteracted; and useless as I am compelled to be, how can I endure to +receive the bread of dependence from a creature whose mischief has +neither bound nor excuse, except in the weakness of her understanding?' +In the height of my indignation, I resolved to upbraid Mrs Boswell with +her baseness and folly, and then resign my hopeless task. But I had so +often and so severely smarted for acting under irritation, that the +lesson had at length begun to take effect; and I recollected that it +might be wise to defer my remonstrances till I could suppress a temper +which was likely to render them both imprudent and useless. I fear my +forbearance was somewhat aided by considering the consequences of +renouncing my present situation. However, when I was cool, I conducted +my reproofs with what I thought great address. I hid my offending +ringlets under a cap, and never more exposed them to the admiration of +Mr Boswell. It would have been mere waste of oratory to harangue to Mrs +Boswell upon the meanness of artifice; and rather uncivil, all things +considered, to talk to her of its inseparable connection with folly; but +I represented to her, that the time might come when her daughter would +turn against her the arts which she had taught. A fool can never divest +an argument of its reference to one particular case. 'If she should cut +off my hair,' said the impracticable Mrs Boswell, 'I shan't care much, +for wigs are coming into fashion.' + +'But if even in trifles she learn to betray, how can you be sure that, +in the most important concerns of life, she will not play the +traitress?' + +'Oh no fear,' cried Mrs Boswell, nodding her head as she always did when +she meant to look sagacious; 'I shall be too knowing for her, I +warrant.' + +'A blessed emulation!' thought I. + +Our dialogue was interrupted by the entrance of Mr Boswell, whose +features seemed animated by some incipient scheme. He took his place +beside his mate, and forthwith began to toy and flatter; looking, +however, as if he would fain have ventured to change the subject. At +length the secret came forth. He had met a college companion, with whom +he had a great inclination to dine that day. Mrs Boswell said nothing; +but she looked denial. Mr Boswell sat silent for a little, and then +renewed his manoeuvres. The praises of a favourite cap soothed the lady +into quiescence; for good-humour is too lively a term to express the +more amiable turns of Mrs Boswell's temper. The petitioner seized the +favourite moment. 'I should really like to dine with poor Tom Hamilton +to-day,' said he. + +'Poor fiddlesticks!' returned the polite wife. 'What have you to do +dining with Tom Hamilton?' + +'I don't know, my love: we have not met for twenty years; and he pressed +me so much to come and talk over old stories, that--that I was obliged +to give him a kind of half-promise.' + +'Nonsense!' quoth the lady, with a decisive tone and aspect; and poor Mr +Boswell, with a sigh of resignation, moved his chair towards the +fire-place, and began to draw figures in the ashes. + +Whether this operation assisted his courage, I know not; but, in about +ten minutes, he told me, in a half whisper, 'that, if I would entertain +Mrs Boswell, he rather thought he would dine with Tom Hamilton.' + +'And why should you not? For a husband to go out, it is sufficient that +he wills it,' said I; parodying a maxim which was at that time the +watchword of a more important revolt. I fancy the smile which +accompanied my words was, for the moment, more terrific to Mr Boswell +than his lady's frown, for he instantly left us; and having secured his +retreat beyond the door, put his head back into the room, saying, with a +farewell nod, and a voice of constrained ease. '_Au revoir_, my darling! +I dine with Hamilton.' + +'Why, Mr Boswell!' screamed the wife, in a tone between wrath and +amazement; but the rebel was beyond recall. + +The lady was forthwith invested with an obstinate fit of the sullens. +Considering me as the cause of her husband's misconduct, she suffered +dinner and some succeeding hours to pass without deigning me even a look +or a word. My forte, certainly, was not submission; therefore, after +speaking to her once or twice without receiving an answer, I made no +further effort to soothe her, but amused myself with reading, work, or +music, exactly as if Mrs Boswell's chair had been vacant. She made +several attempts to disturb my amusement: she spilled the ink upon my +clothes. But though she made no apology, I assured her, with wicked +good-humour, that a farthing's worth of spirit of salt would repair the +disaster. She beat poor Fido; yet even this did not provoke me to speak. +She could not make me angry; because, by showing me that such was her +purpose, she engaged my pride to disappoint her. Left to itself, her +temper at last made a tolerable recovery; or, rather, she spared me, +that she might discharge its full venom upon Mr Boswell. + +At a late hour the culprit returned; fortified, as it appeared, by a +double allowance of claret, but in high spirits and good-humour. +Forgetting that he was in disgrace, he walked as directly as he could +towards his offended fair; and, with a look of stupid kindness, offered +her his hand. The lady flounced away with great disdain. 'Come now, my +darling,' stammered the husband, coaxingly; 'don't be cross. Be a good +girl, and give me a kiss.' + +'Brute!' replied the judicious wife, giving him a push, which, with the +help of the extra bottle, made him stagger to the other side of the +room. There he placed himself beside me; protesting that I was a sweet, +lovely, good-humoured creature, and that he was sure I had never been +out of temper in my life; with many other equally well-turned +compliments. This was the consummation of his misdeeds. Mrs Boswell +pulled the bell till the wire broke. 'Put that creature to bed,' said +she to the servant; 'don't you see he's not fit to be any where else?' +Mr Boswell was not so much intoxicated as to be insensible to this +indignity, which he angrily resisted; while, shocked and disgusted +beyond expression, I escaped from the scene of this disgraceful +altercation. + +The next day Mrs Boswell had recourse, as usual, to silent sullenness; +to which she added another mode of tormenting. She constantly held her +handkerchief to her eyes, and affected to shed tears. All this, however, +was reserved for Mr Boswell's presence, as she soon discovered that it +was needless to waste either anger or sensibility upon me. Lest her +distress should not sufficiently aggravate the culprit's self-reproach, +she pretended that her health was affected by her feelings. It was +always one of her Lilliputian ambitions to obtain the reputation of a +feeble appetite. But now this infirmity increased to such a degree, that +Mrs Boswell absolutely could not swallow a morsel; nor, which was much +worse, could she see food tasted by another without demonstrations of +loathing. Nevertheless, she regularly appeared at table; and, for three +days, every meal was disquieted by the landlady's disgust at our +voracity. + +Poor Mr Boswell, now completely quelled, did what man could do to +restore peace and appetite. He coaxed, entreated; and offered her, I +believe, all the compounds recorded in all the cookery books; but in +vain. Deaf as the coldest damsel of romance to the prayer of offending +love was Mrs Boswell. She retained her youthful passion for sweetmeats; +and her good-natured husband came one morning into her dressing-room +fraught with such variety of confections, that I was surprised at the +self-command with which she refused them all. I could not help laughing +to see him court the great baby with sugar-plums; she answering, like +any other spoilt child, only by twisting her face, and thrusting forward +her shoulder; nor was my gravity at all improved when Fido, making his +way into some concealment, drew forth the remains of a portly sirloin. + +Mr Boswell looked as if he would fain have joined in my laugh; but he +foresaw the coming storm, and prudently effected his retreat. Mrs +Boswell's face grew livid with rage. She snatched the poker; and would +have struck the poor animal dead, had I not arrested her arm. 'Stop, +woman!' said I, in a voice at which I myself was almost startled; +'degrade yourself no further.' It is not the rage of such a creature as +Mrs Boswell that can resist the voice of stern authority. Her eye fixed +by mine as by the gaze of a rattle-snake, she timidly laid aside her +weapon; and shrunk back, muttering that she did not mean to hurt my dog. + +From that time Mrs Boswell discovered a degree of enmity towards the +poor animal, which I could not have imagined even her to feel towards +any thing less than a moral agent. Not that she avowed her antipathy; +but I now knew her well enough to detect it even in the caresses which +she bestowed on him. She was constantly treading on him, scalding him, +tormenting him in every possible way, all by mere accident; and if I +left him within her reach, I was sure to be recalled by his howlings. +The poor animal cowered at the very sight of her. At last he was +provoked to avail himself of his natural means of defence; and one +evening, when she had risen from her sofa on purpose to stumble over +him, he bit her to the bone. + +The moment she recovered from the panic and confusion which this +accident occasioned, she insisted upon having the animal destroyed, upon +the vulgar plea, that, if he should ever go mad, she must immediately be +affected with hydrophobia. Pitying her uneasiness, I at first tried to +combat this ridiculous idea; but I soon found that she was determined to +resist conviction. 'All I said might be true, but she had heard of such +things; and, for her part, she should never know rest or peace, while +the life of that animal left the possibility of such a horrible +catastrophe.' At last I was obliged to tell her peremptorily that +nothing should induce me to permit the destruction of my poor old +favourite,--the relic of better times, the last of my friends. I +humoured her folly, however, so far as to promise that I would find a +new abode for him on the following day. Mrs Boswell was relentlessly +sullen all the evening; but I was inflexible. + +The only way which occurred to me of disposing of poor Fido was to +commit him to the care of Cecil Graham, at least till she should leave +Edinburgh. In the morning, therefore, I prepared for a walk, intending +to convey my favourite to his new protectress. My pupil was, as usual +eager to accompany me; and when I refused to permit her, she took the +course which had often led her to victory elsewhere, and began to cry +bitterly. This, however, was less effectual with me than with her +mother. I persisted in my refusal; telling her that her tears only gave +me an additional motive for doing so, since I loved her too well to +encourage her in fretfulness and self-will. Mrs Boswell, however, moved +somewhat by her child's lamentations, but more by rivalry towards me, +soothed and caressed the little rebel; and finally insisted that I +should yield the point. Angry as I was, I commanded my temper +sufficiently to let the mother legislate for her child; and submitted in +silence. But when we were about to set out, Fido was no where to be +found. After seeking him in vain, I would have given up my expedition; +but Mrs Boswell would not suffer Jessie to be disappointed, so we +departed. + +I found Cecil's apartment vacant, and all its humble furniture removed. +I comprehended that she had returned to her native wilds; and I felt +that the connection must be slight indeed which we can without pain see +broken for ever! She was gone, and had not left among the thousands, +whose hum even now broke upon my ear, one being who would bestow upon me +a wish or a care. 'Poor feeble Ellen!' said I to myself, as I dashed the +tears from my eyes, 'where foundest thou the disastrous daring which +could once renounce the charities of nature, and spurn the intercourse +of thy kind?' + +A natural feeling leading me to enquire into the particulars of Cecil's +departure, I made my way to an adjoining apartment, which was occupied +by another family. + +On my first entrance, the noisome atmosphere almost overcame me; and, +unwilling to expose my little charge to its effects, I desired her to +remain without, and wait my return; but her morning's lesson of +disobedience had not been lost, and I presently found her at my side. + +In answer to my enquiries, the people of the house told me that Cecil +had been gone for several days; but as to the particulars of her fate, +they showed an ignorance and unconcern scarcely credible in persons who +had lived under the same roof. Disgusted with all I saw, I was turning +away; when a groan, which seemed to issue from a darker part of the +room, drew my steps towards a wretched bed, where lay a young woman in +the last stage of disease. I had enquired whether she had any medical +assistance, and been answered that she had none,--I had bent over her +for some minutes, touched the parched skin, and tried to count the +fluttering pulse--before, my eye accommodating itself to the obscurity, +I perceived the unconscious gaze and flushed cheek which indicate +delirious fever. I turned hastily away; but more serious alarm took +possession of me, when I observed that my pupil had followed me close to +the bed-side, and in childish curiosity was inhaling the very breath of +infection. I instantly hurried her away, and returned home. + +Though expecting that Mrs Boswell would throw upon me the blame which +more properly belonged to herself, I did not hesitate to acquaint her +with this accident; begging her to advise with the family surgeon +whether any antidote could still be applied. But Mrs Boswell was touched +with a more lively alarm than poor Jessie's danger could awaken. 'Bless +me!' she cried, 'did you touch the woman? Pray don't come near me. +Campbell! get me ever so much vinegar. Pray go away, Miss Percy. I would +not be near a person that had the fever for the whole world.' + +'Were every one of your opinion, madam,' said I, 'a fever would be +almost as great a misfortune as infamy itself; but since you are so +apprehensive, Jessie and I will remain above stairs for the rest of the +day.' + +At the door of my apartment I found poor Fido extended, stiff and +motionless. Startled by somewhat unnatural in his posture, I called to +him. The poor animal looked at me, but did not stir. 'Fido!' I called +again, stooping to pat his head. He looked up once more; wagged his +tail; gave a short low whine; and died. + +Many would smile were I to describe what I felt at that moment; and yet +I believe there are none who could unmoved lose the last memorial of +friend and parent, or part unmoved with the creature which had sported +with their infancy, and grown old beneath their care. Fido was my last +earthly possession. Besides him I had nothing. I thank Heaven that the +greater part of my kind must look back to the deprivations of early +childhood, ere they can know what a melancholy value this single +circumstance gives to what is in itself of little worth. + +My feelings took a new turn, when it suddenly occurred to me that my +poor old favourite owed his death not to disease, but to poison. His +appearance, as well as the suddenness of his death, confirmed the +suspicion. Strong indignation already working in my breast, I hastened +to question the servants. They all denied the deed; but with such +reservations, as showed me that they at least guessed at the +perpetrator. Breathless with resentment, and with a vain desire to vent +it all, yet to vent it calmly, I entered Mrs Boswell's apartment, and +steadily questioned her upon the fact. Mrs Boswell forgot her late +alarm, or rather my flashing eye was for a moment an over-match for the +fever. She changed colour more than once; but she answered me with that +forced firmness of gaze, which often indicates determined falsehood. +'She could not imagine who could do such a thing. She could not believe +that the animal was poisoned. She did not suppose that any of the +servants would venture. In short, she was persuaded that Fido died a +natural death.' + +'That shall be examined into,' said I, still looking at her in stern +enquiry. Again she changed colour, and resumed her denials, but with a +more restless and evasive aspect. Presently my glance followed hers to +some papers which lay upon the table. I saw her as if by accident cover +them with her hand, then dexterously throw them upon the ground; and she +was just endeavouring to conceal them with her foot when I snatched up +one of them. I observed that it had been the envelope of a small parcel; +and turning the reverse, saw that it was marked with the word 'arsenic.' + +Dumb for a moment with unutterable scorn, I merely presented the paper +to Mrs Boswell, and hearing her stammer out some lying explanation, +turned in disgust away. But indignation again supplied me with words. +'Find another instructor for your child, Mrs Boswell,' said I; 'I will +no longer tell her to despise treachery, and falsehood, and cruelty, +lest I teach her to scorn her mother.' + +Then, without waiting reply, I left the room. + +'Dost thou well to be angry?' said my conscience, as soon as she had +time to speak. I answered, as every angry woman will answer, 'Yes. I do +well to be angry. Vile were the spirit that would not stir against such +inhuman baseness!' This was well spoken,--perhaps it was well felt. Yet +I would advise all lofty spirits to be abstemious in their use of noble +indignation. It borders too nearly on their prevailing sin. + +I soon recollected, that I had renounced my only means of support; but +it is a feeble passion which cannot justify its own acts. 'Better so,' +said I, 'than receive the bread of dependence from one whom I ought to +despise; or cling to an office in which I can perform nothing.' + +I began, however, to look with some uneasiness to the consequences of my +rashness. I had neither home, property, nor friends. That which gives +independence--the only real independence--to the poorest menial, was +wanting to me; for I had neither strength for bodily labour, nor +resolution to endure want. Nor could I claim the irresistible +consolation of tracing, in the circumstances of my lot, the arrangements +of a Father's wisdom. My own temerity had shaped my fate. My own +impatience of human wickedness and folly was about to cut me off from +human support; and I, who had no forbearance for the weakness of my +brethren, was about to try what strength was in myself. + +All this might perhaps pass darkly through my mind, but was not +permitted to take a determinate form. The sin, whatever it be, which +easily besets us, is to each of us the arch-deceiver. It is the first +which the Christian renounces in general, the last which he learns to +detect in its particulars. I had resolved to call my self-will 'virtuous +indignation;' for indeed my ruling frailty has had, in its time, as many +styles and titles as any ruler upon earth, though seldom like them +designed by its _Christian_ name. + +It was an obvious escape from examining the past, to anticipate the +future. I had some experience of the difficulties which awaited me; and +knew how little my merits, such as they were, would avail towards the +advancement of an unfriended stranger. Yet the fearless buoyancy of my +temper supported me. I had now spent in Mrs Boswell's family three +months of weariness and drudgery, for which I had received no +remuneration; I concluded, of course, that she was my debtor for some +return, however small. Upon this sum I expected to subsist till some +favourable change should take place in my situation. How or whence this +change should come, I fancy I should have been puzzled to divine; so I +was content with assuring myself that come it certainly would. + +At the beginning of my connection with Mrs Boswell, I had, with more +politeness than prudence, submitted the recompense of my services to her +decision. From that time she seemed to have forgotten the subject; and +delicacy, or perhaps pride, forbade me to bring it to her recollection. +It was now absolutely necessary to surmount this feeling; but it was +surmounted in vain. Mrs Boswell reminded me, that I had stipulated for +protection only; and declared, that she understood me as engaged to +serve her without any other reward. Confounded as I was at her meanness +and effrontery, I yet retained sufficient command of temper to address a +civil appeal to a faculty which, in Mrs Boswell's mind, was an absolute +blank; but argument was vain, and my only resource was an application to +Mr Boswell. + +Well knowing that his lady's presence would give a fatal bias to the +scales of justice, I requested to speak with him in private. Unwilling +to shock him by a detail of his wife's baseness, I assigned no reason +for the resolution which I announced of quitting his family. I merely +submitted to his arbitration the misunderstanding which had arisen in +regard to the terms of my servitude. I had reason to be flattered by the +regret, perhaps I might rather say dismay, with which the good man heard +of my intended removal. With every expression of affectionate and +fatherly regard he entreated me to reconsider my purpose. He assured me, +that it was the first wish of his heart that his child should resemble +me; he said, that he could neither hope nor even desire to see another +obtain such influence as I had already gained over her; and that all his +prospects of comfort depended on the use of this influence. 'I need not +affect to disguise from you, my dear Miss Percy,' said he, 'that Mrs +Boswell, however willing, is not likely to assist much in forming +Jessie's temper and manners. The variableness of her spirits----' + +'Spirits!' repeated I involuntarily. + +'Well,' resumed Mr Boswell with a heavy sigh, 'perhaps I should rather +have said temper. But whatever it be, the more useless it makes her to +Jessie, and the more vexatious to me, the more have we both need of that +delightful gaiety, that blessed sweetness which breathes peace and +cheerfulness wherever you come. Dear Miss Percy, say that you will +remain with my girl, that you will teach her to be as delightful as +yourself, and you will repay me for ten of the most comfortless years +that ever a poor creature spent.' + +Somewhat embarrassed by this strange sort of confidence, I answered, +that were I to accept the trust he offered I should only disappoint his +expectations, since all my influence with my pupil was as nothing +compared with that which was thrown into the opposite scale. I therefore +renewed my request, that he would enable me immediately to relinquish my +charge. + +Mr Boswell employed all his rhetoric to change my resolution, but I was +inflexible. 'Well, well!' said he at last, with a sigh and a shrug, 'I +see how it is. The same confounded nonsense that has driven every +comfort from my doors for these ten years past is driving you away too. +Well, well! Hang me if I can help it. A man must submit to any thing for +the sake of peace.' + +'Undoubtedly,' said I, suppressing a smile; 'while he finds that he +actually reaps that fruit from his submission.' + +'Why as to that I can't say much. But bad as matters are, they might be +worse if I were as determined to have my own way as my wife is. I have +tried it once or twice, indeed; but--really her perseverance is most +wonderful!' Mr Boswell pursued the subject at great length; labouring to +convince me, or rather to convince himself, that where submission was +unattainable on the one side, the defect ought to be supplied by the +other; always inferring, from the necessary unhappiness of this +situation, that I ought not, by my departure, to deprive him of his only +remaining comfort. All he could obtain, however, was my consent to +continue in his family for a few days longer. In return, he promised the +full discharge of my claim upon Mrs Boswell, as soon as he should find +means to dispose of such a sum _peaceably_; that is, as soon as he could +by stealth abstract so much of his own property. + +I suppose the pleasures of complaint increase in proportion to the folly +and impropriety of complaining. I never could otherwise account for the +frequent lamentations over the perfidy of lovers and the obduracy of +parents; nor imagine any other reason why Mr Boswell, having once +entered on the subject of his conjugal distresses, returned to it on +every possible occasion. In his wife's presence it was recalled to my +recollection by cautious hints, and by significant sighs and looks. In +her absence the theme seemed inexhaustible. + +The embarrassment inflicted on me by this continual reference to a +secret was increased, when I perceived that Mrs Boswell, whose jealousy +in this instance supplied her want of penetration, suspected some +intelligence between her husband and myself. She was now, indeed, under +a stubborn fit of taciturnity; but I had at last learnt to read a +countenance which never forsook its stony blank, except to express some +modification of malevolence. I alarmed Mr Boswell into more caution; but +when the lady's suspicions once were roused, it was not in the most +guarded prudence, nor in the most open simplicity of conduct, to lull +them. + +Unfortunately Mr Boswell and I soon found a more legitimate subject of +sympathy. The very day after her ill-fated visit to the abode of +disease, poor Jessie showed symptoms of infection; and before the week +expired, was pronounced to be in extreme danger. The mother, on this +occasion, showed a degree of anxiety, which was wonderful in Mrs +Boswell. She sent for nurse after nurse, and for doctors innumerable. +She made diligent enquiry after a fortune-teller, to unveil the fate of +her child; and she actually shed tears when the fire emitted a splinter +which she called a coffin. Stronger minds than Mrs Boswell's become +superstitious, when their most important concerns depend upon +circumstances over which they have no control. Finally, she questioned +every member of the family concerning the best cure for a fever, and +insisted that all their prescriptions should be applied. Fortunately, +however, no consideration could prevail upon her to superintend the +application. To approach the infected chamber, she would have thought +nothing less than _felo de se_;--therefore the poor little sufferer was +spared many unnecessary torments. + +Mrs Boswell carried her dread of infection so far, that she would hold +no direct communication with any one who entered the sick room; and she +positively forbade her husband to approach his suffering child. But to +this interdiction the father could not submit. His visits were stolen, +indeed, but they were frequent; and he evinced on these occasions a +sensibility which could scarcely have been expected from the easy +indifference of his general temper. Often, while others were at rest, +did the father hang over the sick bed of his child; offer the draught to +her parched lips; and shed upon her altered face the tear of him who +trembles for his only hope. + +To his kindness and his sorrow she was alike insensible. Her fondness +for me seemed the only recollection which her delirium had spared. She +would accept of no sustenance except from my hand. If I was withdrawn +from her sight, her eye wandered in restless search of something +desired; though when I appeared, it often fixed on me with a +heart-breaking vacancy of gaze. Thus circumstanced, I could no longer +think of deserting her. Indeed I never quitted her even for an hour; and +when wearied out I sunk to sleep, it was only to start again at her +slightest summons. These attentions, which I must have been a savage to +withhold, extorted from Mr Boswell the warmest expressions of +gratitude;--gratitude, which springs so readily in every human heart, +yet so rarely takes root there, and so very rarely becomes fruitful. + +'God, reward thee, blessed creature!' said he once, when late in the +night we were separating at the door of the sick-room, where he had been +sharing the vigils of the nurse and me. 'My child's own mother forsakes +her, while you!--God reward you.' As he spoke, he clasped my hand +between his, and fervently pressed his lips to my forehead. But I +started with a confusion like that of detected guilt, when I perceived, +at a little distance, the half-concealed face of Mrs Boswell, scowling +malignity and detection. Whilst I stood for a moment in motionless +expectation of what was to follow, she darted forward, undressed as she +was; her lip quivering, her face void of all colour except a line of +strong scarlet bordering her eyelids. 'Mighty well!' cried she, in +accents half choked by something between a hysterical giggle and a sob. +'Mighty well, indeed! I knew how it was! I have seen it all well enough. +But I'm not such a fool as you think! I won't endure it--that I won't.' + +Provoked by the recollection that this degrading remonstrance was +uttered within hearing of a domestic, I looked towards Mr Boswell for +defence; but seeing him cower like a condemned culprit, I was obliged to +answer for myself. 'What will you not endure, madam?' said I. 'Your own +preposterous fancy?--I know of nothing else that you have to endure.' + +Mrs Boswell's natural cowardice always took part against her with a +resolute antagonist. 'I am sure,' said she, whimpering between fear and +wrath, 'I don't want to have any words with you, Miss Percy--only I +wish--I am sure it would be very obliging if you would go quietly out of +this house--and not stay here enticing other people's husbands----' + +At this coarse accusation, the indignant blood rose to my forehead. But +the provocation was great enough to remind me that this was a fit +occasion of forbearance; and I subdued my voice and countenance into +stern composure, while I said, 'Woman! I would answer you, were I sure +of speaking only what a Christian ought to speak.' Then turning from +her, I took refuge from further insult in the apartment which I knew she +did not dare to approach. + +There I sat down to consider what course I should pursue, I had been +insolently forbidden the house; and every moment that I remained in it +might subject me to new affront. The very attendants in the sick-room +could, with difficulty, restrain the merriment excited by Mrs Boswell's +ridiculous attack; and I felt as if the impertinence of their +half-suppressed smiles was partly directed against me. They had heard my +dismission; and every instant that I delayed to avail myself of it +seemed a new degradation. The most rooted passion of my nature, +therefore, urged my immediate departure; but I had now learned to lend a +suspicious ear to its suggestions. 'I shall never be humble,' thought I, +'if I resist every occasion of humiliation;' and when I looked upon the +altered countenance of my poor little charge, I could have endured any +thing rather than have withdrawn its last comfort from her ebbing life. +I resumed my place by her side, resolved never voluntarily to quit her +while my cares could administer to her relief. + +My task was now of short duration. The very next day the physician +informed me that the crisis of the disorder was at hand; and that an +hour which he named would either bring material amendment, or lasting +release from suffering. I entreated that the anxiety of the parents +might not be aggravated by a knowledge of this circumstance; and +undertook myself to watch the event of the critical hour. + +The day passed in silent suspense. Mrs Boswell did not dare to approach +me; and she contrived, by what means I know not, to keep her husband +away. I was truly thankful to be thus spared from contest; for I had +begun to feel the consequences of breathing the polluted air of +confinement. A heavy languor was upon me. My eyes turned pained from the +light. I was restless; yet I moved uneasily, for my limbs seemed +burdened beyond their strength. In vain I tried to struggle against +these harbingers of disease. Infection had done its work, and my +disorder increased every hour. The physician, at this evening visit, +observing my haggard looks, desired that I should immediately endeavour +to obtain some rest. But to sleep during the hour that was to decide +poor Jessie's fate, I should at any time have found impossible. I +watched her till the appointed time was past; saw her drop into the +promised sleep; sat motionless beside her during the anxious hours of +its continuance; and, with a joy which brightened even the progress of +disease, beheld her lifting upon me once more the eye of intelligence, +and beaming upon me once more the smile of ease. + +Thinking only of the joyful news I had to tell, I ran to enquire for Mr +Boswell. He was in his dressing-room; and thither I hastened to seek +him. I entered; and told my tale, I know not how. 'Thank God!' the +father tried to say, but could not. He burst into tears. The first +words he spoke blessed me for having saved his child; the next expressed +his eager wish to see her. We were leaving the dressing-room together, +when we met Mrs Boswell. Her face growing livid with rage, and her voice +sharpening to something like the scream of a Guinea fowl, she exclaimed, +'Well! if this is not beyond every thing! To go into his very room! You +are a shameless, abominable man, Mr Boswell. But I will be revenged on +you--that I will.' + +'I went into Mr Boswell's room, madam,' interrupted I, calmly, 'to tell +him that his daughter is out of immediate danger; and I was just going +to convey the same news to you.' + +'Oh! no doubt but you'll be clever enough to find some excuse. But I +don't wish to have any thing to say to you, Miss Percy,--only I tell you +civilly, go away out of my house. I'm sure the house is my own; and it +is very hard if I can't--so go this moment, I tell you----' + +She had gone too far. The mildest spirits are, when roused, the most +tremendous; and Mr Boswell's was, for the moment, completely roused. +Seizing her with a grasp, which made me tremble, 'Speak that again at +your peril, Mrs Boswell,' said he. 'Her stay depends upon herself, +whilst I have a roof to shelter her.' Then, throwing her from him, he +passed on, whilst I shuddered at perceiving that his grasp had wrung the +blood-drops from her fingers. The poor creature, terrified by this first +instance of violence, stood gazing after him in trembling silence. +'Compose yourself, Mrs Boswell,' said I, as soon as he was out of +hearing; 'I will immediately begone. I staid only for the sake of poor +Jessie; now, nothing would tempt me to remain here another hour.' + +Spent with the exertion which I had made, I could scarcely reach my +chamber. I immediately began to collect my little property for removal; +but before my preparations, trifling as they were, could be finished, my +strength failed, and I sunk upon my bed. + +A strange confusion seemed now to seize me. Black shadows swam before my +eyes, succeeded by glares of bloody light. The hideous phantoms crowded +round me, till my very breathing was oppressed by their numbers; and one +of them, more frightful than the rest, laid on my forehead the weight of +his fiery hand. Then came a confused hope that all was but a frightful +dream, from which I struggled to rouse myself. I spoke, as if my own +voice could dispel the terrible illusion. I endeavoured to rise, that I +might shake off this dreadful sleep. In an instant I was on the brink of +a fearful precipice, from which I shrunk in vain. Hands invisible +hurried me down the fathomless abyss. + +Again I perceived that these horrors were illusory. I strove to convince +myself, that I was indeed in my own chamber, surrounded by objects +familiar to my sight. My mind rallied its last strength, to recall the +remembrance of my situation. Along with this, a dark suspicion of the +truth stole upon me. + +'Merciful Heaven!' I cried, 'are my senses indeed wandering; and must I +be driven forth homeless while fever is raging in my brain! Forbid it! +Oh forbid it!' + +By a violent effort I flung myself on my knees. With an earnestness +which hastened the dreaded evil, I supplicated an escape from this worst +calamity; and implored, that the body might perish before the spirit +were darkened. But ere the melancholy petition was closed, its fervour +had wandered into delirium. + +A time passed which I have no means to measure; and I saw a female form +approach me. She seemed alternately to wear the aspect of my mother and +of Miss Mortimer; yet she rejected my embrace; and when I called her by +their names, she answered not. She clothed me in what seemed the chill +vestments of the grave; she hurried me through the air with the rapidity +of light; then consigned me to two dark and fearful shapes; and again I +was hurried on. + +At last the breath of heaven for a moment cooled my throbbing brow. I +looked up and saw that I was in the hands of two persons of unknown and +rugged countenance. They lifted me into a carriage. It drove off with +distracting speed. + +The succeeding days are a blank in my being. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + _For he has wings which neither sickness, pain, + Nor penury can cripple or confine. + No nook so narrow, but he spreads them there + With ease, and is at large. The oppressor holds + His body bound; but knows not what a range + His spirit takes, unconscious of a chain._ + + Cowper. + + +I was awakened as from the deepest sleep, by a cry wild and horrible. It +was followed by shouts of dissonant laughter, unlike the cheering sounds +of human mirth. They seemed but the body's convulsion, in which the +spirit had no part. I started and listened;--a ceaseless hum of voices +wearied my ear. + +A recollection of the past came upon me, mixed with a strange +uncertainty of my present state. The darkness of midnight was around me; +why then was its stillness broken by more than the discords of day? I +spoke, in hopes that some attendant might be watching my sick-bed;--no +one answered to my call. I half-raised my feeble frame to try what +objects I could discern through the gloom. High above my reach, a small +lattice poured in the chill night wind; but gave no light that could +show aught beyond its own form and position. As I looked fixedly towards +it, I perceived that it was grated. 'Am I then a prisoner?' thought I. +'But it matters not. A narrower cell will soon contain all of poor Ellen +that a prison can confine.' And, worn out with my effort, I laid myself +down with that sense of approaching dissolution, which sinks all human +situations to equality. + +I closed my eyes, and my thoughts now flew unbidden to that unknown +world from which, in these days of levity, they had shrunk affrighted; +and to which, even in better times they had often been turned with +effort. + +Presently a female voice, as if from the adjoining chamber, began a +plaintive song; which now died away, now swelled in mournful caprice, +till, as it approached the final cadence, it wandered with pathetic +wildness into speech. I listened to the hopeless lamentation;--heard it +quicken into rapid utterance, sink into the low inward voice, then burst +into causeless energy;--and I felt that I was near the haunt of madness. +The shuddering of horror came over me for a moment. But one thought +alone has power to darken the departing spirit with abiding gloom. The +worst earthly sorrows play over her as a passing shadow, and are gone. +'Poor maniac!' thought I, 'thou and the genius which now guides and +delights mankind will soon alike be as I am.' + +But why record the feeble disjointed efforts of a soul struggling with +her clog of earth? Oh, had my strivings to enter the strait gate been +_then_ to begin, where should I, humanly speaking, have found strength +for the endeavour? My mind, weakened with my body, could feel, indeed, +but could no longer reason; it could keenly hope and fear, but it could +no longer exercise over thought that guidance which makes thinking a +rational act. Worn out at last with feelings too strong for my frame, I +sunk to sleep; and, in spite of the dreariest sounds which rise from +human misery, slept quietly till morning. + +Then the daylight gave a full view of my melancholy abode. Its extent +was little more than sufficient to contain the low flock-bed on which I +lay. The naked walls were carved with many a quaint device; and one name +was written on them in every possible direction, and joined with every +epithet of endearment. Well may I remember them; for often, often, after +having studied them all, have I turned wearily to study them again. + +As I lay contemplating my prison, a step approached the door; the key +grated in the lock; and a man of a severe and swarthy countenance stood +before me. He came near, and offered me some food of the coarsest kind, +from which my sickly appetite turned with disgust; but when he held a +draught of milk and water to my lips, I eagerly swallowed it, making a +faint gesture of thanks for the relief. The stern countenance relaxed a +little! 'You are better this morning,' said the man. + +'I soon shall be so,' answered I, with a languid smile. + +Without farther conference he was turning to depart; when, recollecting +that I should soon need other cares, and shrinking with womanly +reluctance from owing the last offices to any but a woman, I detained +him by a sign. 'I have a favour to beg of you,' said I. 'I shall not +want many.' + +'Well!' said the man, lingering with a look of idle curiosity. + +'When I am gone,' said I, 'will you persuade some charitable woman to do +whatever must be done for me; for I was once a gentlewoman, and have +never known indignity.' + +The man promised without hesitation to grant my request. Encouraged by +my success, I proceeded. 'I have a friend, too; perhaps you would write +to him.' + +'Oh yes--who is he?' said the man, looking inquisitively. + +'Mr Maitland, the great West India merchant. Tell him that Ellen Percy +died here; and dying, remembered him with respect and gratitude.' + +The man looked at me with a strong expression of surprise, which quickly +gave place to an incredulous smile; then turned away, saying carelessly, +'Oh, yes, I'll be sure to tell him;' and quitted the cell. + +During that day, my trembling hopes, my solemn anticipations, were +interrupted only by the return of the keeper, to bring my food at stated +hours. But on the following day, I became sensible of such amendment, +that the natural love of life began to struggle with the hopes and the +fears of 'untried being.' + +With the prospect of prolonged existence, however, returned those +anxieties which, in one form or another, beset every heart that turns a +thought earthward. The idea of confinement in such a place of +imprisonment, perhaps perpetual, mingled the expectations of recovery +with horror. To live only to be sensible to the death of all my +affections, of all my hopes, of all my enjoyments!--To retain a living +consciousness in that place where was no 'knowledge, nor work, nor +device.'--To look back upon a dreary blank of time, and forward to one +unvaried waste!--To pine for the fair face of nature! perhaps to live +till it was remembered but as a dream! Gracious Heaven! what strength +supported me under such thoughts of horror? Language cannot express the +fearful anxiety with which I awaited the return of the only person who +could relieve my apprehensions. + +The moment he appeared, I eagerly accosted him. 'Tell me,' I cried, 'why +I am here: surely I am no object for such an institution as this. Mr and +Mrs Boswell know that my fever was caught in attending their own +child.' + +'To be sure they do,' said the man soothingly. + +'Why then have they sent me to such a place as this?' + +The man was silent for a moment, and then answered, 'Why, what sort of a +place do you take it for? You don't think this is a madhouse, do you?' +Seeing that I looked at him with surprise and doubt, he added, 'This is +only an asylum, a sort of infirmary for people who have your kind of +fever.' + +I now perceived that he thought it necessary to humour me as a lunatic. +'For mercy's sake,' I cried, 'do not trifle with me. You may easily +convince yourself that I am in perfect possession of my reason; do so +then, and let me be gone. This place is overpowering to my spirits.' + +'The moment you get well,' returned the man coolly, 'you shall go. We +would not keep you after that, though you would give us ever so much. +But I could not be answerable to let you out just now, for fear of +bringing back your fever.' + +With this assurance I was obliged for the present to be contented. Yet a +horrible fear sometimes returned, that he would only beguile me with +false hope from day to day; and when he next brought my homely repast, I +again urged him to fix a time for my release. 'I am recovering strength +so rapidly,' said I, 'that I am sure in a few days I may remove.' + +'Oh yes!' answered he; 'I think in a fortnight at farthest you will be +quite well; provided you keep quiet, and don't fret yourself about +fancies.' + +While he spoke, I fixed my eyes earnestly upon him, to see whether I +could discover any sign of mental reservation; but he spoke with all the +appearance of good faith, and I was satisfied. + +My spirits now reviving with my health and my hopes I endeavoured to +view my condition with something more than resignation. 'Surely,' said I +to myself, 'it should even be my choice to dwell for a time amidst +scenes of humiliation, if here I can find the weapons of my warfare +against the stubborn pride of nature and of habit. And whatever be _my_ +choice, this place has been selected for me by Him whose will is my +improvement. Let me not then frustrate his gracious purpose. Let me +consider what advantage he intends me in my present state. Alas! why +have I so often deferred to seasons of rare occurrence the lessons which +the events of the most ordinary life might have taught me?' + +Carefully I now reviewed my actions, my sentiments, and my purposes, as +they had lately appeared to me in the anticipation of a righteous +sentence. What tremendous importance did each then assume! The work +perhaps of a moment seemed to extend its influence beyond the duration +of worlds. The idle word, uttered with scarcely an effort of the will, +indicated perhaps a temper which might colour the fate of eternity. In a +few days, I learnt more of myself than nineteen years had before taught +me; for the light which gleamed upon me, as it were from another world, +was of power to show all things in their true form and colour. I saw the +insidious nature, the gigantic strength, the universal despotism of my +bosom sin. I saw its power even in actions which had veiled its form; +its stamp was upon sentiments which bore not its name; its impression +had often made even 'the fine gold become dim.' Its baleful influence +had begun in my cradle, had increased through my childhood, had dictated +alike the enmities and the friendships of my youth. It had rejected the +counsels of Miss Mortimer; trifled with the affections of Maitland; +spurned the authority of my father; and hurried me to the brink of a +connection in which neither heart nor understanding had part. It had +embittered the cup of misfortune; poisoned the wounds of treachery; and +dashed from me the cordial of human sympathy. It had withheld gratitude +in my prosperity; it had robbed my adversity of resignation. It had +mingled even with the tears of repentance, while the proud heart +unwillingly felt its own vileness; it had urged, I fear, even the +labours of virtue, with the hope of earning other than unmerited favour. +It had eluded my pursuit, resisted my struggles, betrayed my +watchfulness. It had driven me from an imaginary degradation among 'mine +own people,' to desolation, want, and dependence, among strangers. When +were greater sacrifices extorted by self-denial, that 'lion in the way' +which has scared so many from the paths of peace? Even the employment, +which, by an undeserved good fortune, I had obtained, was degraded into +slavery by the temper which represented my employer as alike below my +gratitude and my indignation; while the pleasure with which pride +contemplates its own eminence had blinded me to the awful danger +denounced against those who cherish habitual contempt for the meanest of +their brethren. + +I now saw that, even with the despised Mrs Boswell, I had need to +exchange forgiveness; since, against the evils which she had inflicted +on me, I had to balance a scorn even more galling than injury. Of the +injustice of this scorn I became sensible, when I considered that it +was directed less against her faults than her understanding; less +against the baseness of her means than the insignificance of her ends; +since what was at once the excuse and the mitigation of her vices formed +the only reason why they were less endurable to me than the craft and +the cruelty of politicians and conquerors. When I remembered that a few +hours of sickness had sufficed to reduce me in intellect far below even +the despised Mrs Boswell; that a derangement of the animal frame, so +minute as to baffle human search, might blot the rarest genius from the +scale of moral being; while I shrunk from the harrowing ravings of +creatures who could once reason and reflect like myself, I felt the +force of the warning which forbids the wise to 'glory in his wisdom.' I +admitted as a principle what I had formerly owned as an opinion, that +the true glory of man consists not in the ingenuity by which he builds +systems, or unlocks the secrets of nature, or guides the opinions of a +wondering world; but in that capacity of knowing, loving, and serving +God, of which all are by nature equally destitute, and which all are +equally and freely invited to receive. + +The reflections of those few days it would require months to record. +They furnished indeed my sole business, devotion my sole pleasure. My +cell contained no object to divert my attention; and the stated returns +of the keeper were the only varieties of my condition. My strength, +however, gradually returned. I was able to rise from my bed, and to +walk, if the size of my apartment had admitted of walking.[19] + +It may well be believed that I counted the hours of my captivity, and I +did not fail to remind the keeper daily of his promise. It was not till +the day preceding that which he had fixed for my liberation, that I +discovered any sign of an intention to retract. + +'To-morrow I shall breathe the air of freedom,' said I to him +exultingly, while I was taking my humble repast. + +'I am sure you have air enough where you are,' returned the man. + +'Oh but you may well imagine how a prisoner longs for liberty!' + +'You are no more a prisoner than any body else that is not well. I am +sure, though I were to let you out, you are not fit to go about yet.' + +'Though you were to----Oh Heaven! you do not mean to detain me still! +You will keep your promise with me!' + +'Oh yes,' said the man, with that voice of horrible soothing which made +my blood run cold; 'never fear, you shall get out to-morrow;' and, +regardless of my endeavours to detain him, he instantly left me. + +'You shall get out to-morrow,' I repeated a thousand times, in +distressful attempt to convince myself that a promise so explicit could +not be broken. Yet the horrible doubt returned again and again. Drops of +agony stood upon my forehead as I looked distractedly upon those narrow +walls, and thought they might inclose me for ever. 'God of mercy,' I +cried, casting myself wildly on my knees, 'wilt thou permit this? Hast +thou supported me hitherto only to forsake me in my extremity of need? +Oh no! I wrong thy goodness by the very thought.' + +Well may our religion be called the religion of hope; for who can +remember that 'unspeakable gift' which every address to Heaven must +recall to the Christian's view, without feeling a trust which outweighs +all causes of fear? By degrees I recovered composure, then hope, then +cheerfulness; and when, at the keeper's evening visit, I had extorted +from him another renewal of his promise, I was so far satisfied as to +prepare myself by a quiet sleep for the trials which awaited my waking. + +The next morning a bright sun was gleaming through my grated window; and +anxiously I watched the lingering progress of its shadow along the wall. +Long, long, I listened for the heavy tread of the keeper; thought myself +sure that his hour of coming was past; and dreaded that his stay was +ominous of evil. When at last I heard the welcome sounds of his +approach, and felt that at last the moment of certainty was come, a +faintness seized me, and I remained motionless, unable to enquire my +doom. + +The man looked keenly at the fixed eye which wanted power to turn from +him. 'I thought as much,' said he triumphantly. 'I'll lay a crown you +don't wish to go out to-day.' + +'Oh yes, indeed!' I cried, starting up with sudden hope and animation: +'I would go this instant!' + +The man again examined my face inquisitively. 'Eat your breakfast then,' +said he, 'and put on these clothes I have brought you. I shall come back +for you presently.' + +Language cannot express the rapture with which I heard this promise. +Overpowered with emotions of joy and gratitude, I sunk at the feet of +the keeper; pouring forth, in the fulness of my heart, blessings made +inarticulate by tears. Then recollecting how my suspicions had wronged +him, 'Pardon me,' I cried, 'oh pardon me, that ever I doubted your word. +I ought to have known that you were too good to deceive me.' + +'Hush! quiet!' said the man knitting his brow, with a frown which forced +the blood back chill upon the throbbing heart; and in a moment he was +gone. + +It was some time before I became composed enough to remember or to +execute the command which I had received; but my mysterious +apprehensions, my tumults of delight giving way to sober certainty, I +changed my dress, and sat down to await the return of my liberator. Then +while I recollected the horrible dread from which I was delivered, the +fate from which I seemed to have escaped, gratitude which could not be +restrained burst into a song of thanksgiving. + +It was interrupted by the return of the keeper, who, without speaking, +threw open the door of my cell, and then proceeded to that of the one +adjoining. I sprung from my prison, and hurried along a passage which +terminated in the open air. + +I presently found myself in a small square court, surrounded by high +walls, and occupied by twenty or thirty squalid beings of both sexes. +Concluding that I had mistaken the way, I returned to beg the directions +of the keeper. 'I am busy just now,' said he, 'so amuse yourself there +for a little; the people are all quite harmless.' + +'Amuse myself!' thought I. 'What strange perversion must have taken +place in the mind which could associate such a scene and such objects +with an idea of amusement!' I had no choice, however; and I returned to +the court. I was instantly accosted by several unfortunate beings of my +own sex, all at once talking without coherence and without pause. In +some alarm I was going to retreat, when a little ugly affected-looking +man approached; and, with a bow which in any other place would have +provoked a smile, desired that he might be allowed the honour of +attending me. Little relieved by this politeness, I was again looking +towards retreat, when the party was joined by a person of very different +appearance from the rest. Large waves of silver hair adorned a face of +green old age, and the lines of deep thought on his brow were relieved +by a smile of perfect benignity; while his air, figure, and attire were +so much those of a gentleman, that I instantly concluded he must be the +visiter, not the inhabitant of such a dwelling. + +Reproving the intrusion of the rest with an authority from which they +all seemed to shrink, he politely offered to attend me; and I accepted +of the escort with a feeling of perfect security. + +While we walked round the court, my companion conversed as if he +believed me also to be a visiter. 'I sometimes indulge in a melancholy +smile,' said he, 'on observing how well the characteristics of the sexes +are preserved even here. The men, you see, are commonly silent and +contemplative, the women talkative and restless. Here, just as in that +larger madhouse, the world, pride makes the men surly and quarrelsome, +while the ladies must be indulged in a little harmless vanity. Now and +then, however, we encroach on your prerogative. The little man, for +instance, who spoke to you just now, fancies that every woman is in love +with him; and that he is detained here by a conspiracy of jealous +husbands.' He proceeded to comment upon the more remarkable cases; +showing such acquaintance with each, that I concluded him to be the +medical attendant of the establishment. This belief inspired me with a +very embarrassing desire to convince him of my sanity; and I endured the +toil of being laboriously wise, while we moralised together on the +various illusions which possessed the people round us, and on the +curious analogy of their freaks to those of the more sober madmen who +are left at large. Some strutted in mock majesty, expecting that all +should do them homage. Some decked themselves with rags, and then +fancied themselves fair. Some made hoards of straws and pebbles, then +called the worthless mass a treasure. Some sported in unmeaning mirth; +while a few ingenious spirits toiled to form baubles, which the rest +quickly demolished; and a few miserable beings sat apart, shrinking from +companions whom they imagined only evil spirits clothed in human form. +In one respect, however, all were agreed. Each scorned or pitied every +form of madness but his own. 'Let us then,' said I, 'be of those who +pity; since we too have probably our points of sanity, though where they +lie we may never know till we reach the land of perfection.' + +'Perfection!' exclaimed my companion; 'is not its dawn arisen on the +earth! Are not the splendours of day at hand? That glorious light! in +which man shall see that his true honour is peace, his true interest +benevolence! Yes, it is advancing; and though the perverseness of the +ignorant and the base have for a time concealed me here, soon shall the +gratitude of a regenerated world call me to rejoice in my own work!' + +'Sir!' said I, startled by this speech, which was pronounced with the +utmost vehemence of voice and manner. + +'Yes!' proceeded he; 'the labours of twenty years shall be repaid! +Punishment and pain shall be banished from the world. A patriarchal +reign of love shall assemble my renovated children around their father +and their friend. All government shall cease. All----' + +'Silence!' cried a voice of tremendous power; and immediately the keeper +stood beside us. He rudely seized the old man's arm, and the flush of +animation was instantly blanched by fear. I saw the reverend form of age +thus bow before brute violence, and I forgot for a moment that I was +powerless to defend. 'Inhuman!' I exclaimed; 'will you not reverence +grey hairs and misfortune?' + +Without deigning me a look, the keeper led his captive away; while I +followed him with eyes in which the tears of alarm now mingled with +those of pity. He presently returned, and sternly commanded me to go +with him. Eager as I was for my dismission, I yet trembled while I +obeyed. We reached the door of my cell; and though I expected to pass +it, I involuntarily recoiled. 'Go in!' said the keeper, in a voice of +terrible authority. + +'Here!' I exclaimed, with a start of agony. 'Oh, Heaven! did you not +say--did you not promise----' + +'Ay, ay,' interrupted the man; 'but I must see you a little quieter +first. Get in, get in!' + +'No, no! I will not! Though I perish, I will not!' + +A withering smile crossing that dark countenance, he seized me with a +force which reduced me to the helplessness of infancy; and regardless of +the shriek wrung from me by hopeless anguish, he bore me into the cell, +shook off my imploring hold, and departed. I heard the dreary creaking +of the bolt; and I heard no more. I fell down senseless. + +When I revived, I found myself supported by the arm of a person who was +administering restoratives to me. The first accents to which I were +sensible were those of the keeper; who said, as if in answer to some +question, 'She has been almost as high this morning ever.' + +'So, so!' returned the other. 'Well! she'll do for the present, so I +must be gone. Keep an eye on her, and tell me how she comes on. And +harkye, give her a better place--if they don't pay for it, I will. I am +sure she is a gentlewoman.' + +In the hope that I might now effectually appeal to justice or to pity, I +made a strong effort to rouse myself; but my compassionate attendant +was gone. The keeper, however, who perhaps was severe only from a +mistaken sense of duty, had been alarmed into treating me with more +caution. He watched me till I was completely revived; and as soon as I +could make the necessary exertion, removed me to a different part of the +building. + +My new place of confinement, though somewhat larger and better furnished +than the first, was equally contrived to prevent all chance of escape. +But I quickly discovered that I had, by the change, gained a treasure, +which, whoever would estimate, must like me be cut off from the +sympathies of living being. A swallow had built her nest in my window. I +saw her feed her nurslings day by day. I watched her leaving her nest, +and longed for her return. Her twittering awoke me every morning; and I +knew the chirp which invited her young to the food she had brought. +Their first flight was an event in my life as well as in theirs; for the +interests of kindred are scarcely stronger than those which we take in +the single living thing, however mean, whose feelings we can make our +own. + +Meanwhile I learnt from the keeper that the person to whose humanity I +owed the improvement in my situation was the surgeon who attended the +institution; and I looked forward to his next visit with all the +eagerness of hope. Remembering, however, the dependence he had shown on +the keeper's information, I became doubly anxious to remove the +impression which I saw was entertained against the soundness of my mind. +Alas! I forgot that it is not for the prejudiced eye to detect the +almost imperceptible bound which separates soundness of mind from +insanity. + +'You assure me,' said I, one day, to my inexorable gaoler, 'that you +have no instructions to detain me here, and you promise that I shall be +dismissed the moment I am well: tell me how you propose to ascertain my +recovery.' + +'Oh, no fear but I shall know that before you know it yourself.' + +'But what reason have you to doubt that I am already in perfect +possession of my senses? I speak rationally enough.' + +'Oh ay, I can't say but you have spoken rationally enough these three or +four days. They all do that, at times.' + +'What other proof of my recovery can you expect? Here I have no means of +proving it by my actions.' + +'Well, well. We'll see one of these days.' + +'But if it be true that you have no wish to detain me, why must I linger +on in this place of horror? Put me to any proof you will. Propose, for +instance, the most complicated question in arithmetic to me; and see +whether I do not answer it like a rational creature.' + +'I make no doubt. We have a gentleman here these fourteen years, that +works at the counting from morning to night.' + +'Fourteen years! Good Heavens!--Oh try me for mercy's sake in any way +you please. Think of any experiment that will satisfy yourself;--let it +only be made quickly.' + +The man promised; for he always promised. He thought it a part of his +duty. It is not to be told with what horror I at last heard that 'Oh +yes,' which always began the heart-breaking assents addressed to me as +to one whom it were needless and cruel to contradict. + +All my anxieties were aggravated by the dread that his promises of +release were deceitful like the rest; and that even, though he had no +longer doubted of my recovery, the jealousy of Mrs Boswell might have +bribed him to detain me. I balanced in my mind the improbability of so +daring an outrage with the stories which I had heard of elder brothers +removed, and wives concealed for ever. Where much is felt and nothing +can be done, it is difficult indeed to fix the judgment. + +To relieve my doubts, I enquired whether Mr Boswell knew of my +confinement. The keeper could not tell. He only knew that the petition +for my admission and the bond for my expenses were signed by Mrs Boswell +alone. This circumstance was quite sufficient to convince me that Mr +Boswell was ignorant of my fate; and I thought if I could find means to +make him acquainted with my situation, he would undoubtedly accomplish +my release. I implored of the keeper to inform him where I was; and he +promised, but with that ominous 'Oh yes,' which assured me the promise +was void. + +By degrees, however, I had learnt to bear my disappointments with +composure. I must not venture to say that I was becoming reconciled to +my condition; I must not even assert that I endured its continuance with +resignation,--for how often did my impatience for release virtually +retract the submissions which I breathed to Heaven! But I had +experienced that there are pleasures which no walls can exclude, and +hopes which no disappointments can destroy; pleasures which flourish in +solitude and in adversity; hopes, which fear no wreck but from the +storms of passion. I had believed that religion could bring comfort to +the dreariest dwelling. I now experienced that comfort. The friend whom +we trust may be dear; the friend whom we have tried is inestimable. +Religion, perhaps, best shows her strength when she rules the +prosperous, but her full value is felt by the unfortunate alone. + +Among my other requests to the keeper, I had entreated that he would +allow me the use of that precious book, which has diffused more wisdom, +peace, and truth, than all the works of men. He promised, as he was wont +to promise; but weary of a request which was repeated every time he +appeared, he at last yielded to my importunity. From that hour an +inexhaustible source of enjoyment was opened to me. Devotion had before +sometimes gladdened my prison with the visits of a friend; now his +written language spoke to my heart, answering every feeling. How +different was this solitude from the self-inflicted desolation which I +had once endured? Nay, did not the blank of all earthly interests leave +me a blessed animation compared with that dread insensibility which had +once left me without God in the world. + + 'This is to be alone! This, this is solitude!' + +But while I bore my disappointments with more fortitude, I did not, it +will easily be imagined, relax my endeavours after liberty. On certain +days, the institution was open to the inspection of strangers. On these +days I was always furnished with a change of dress, and led out to make +part of the show; and my spirit was for the time so thoroughly subdued, +that I submitted to this exhibition without a murmur, almost without a +pang. Circumstances had so far overcome my natural temper, that I more +than once appealed to the humanity of those whom a strange curiosity led +to this dreariest scene of human woe. But prejudice always confounded my +story with those which most of my companions in confinement were eager +to tell. I addressed it to an old man; he heard me in silence; then +turning to the keeper, remarked, that it was odd that one fancy +possessed us all, the desire to leave our present dwelling. 'Ay,' said +the keeper, 'that is always the burden of the song;' and they turned to +listen to the ravings of some other object. I told my tale to a youth, +and thought I had prevailed, for tears filled his eyes. 'Good God!' +cried he, instantly flying from a painful compassion, 'to see so lovely +a creature lost to herself and to the world!' + +The ladies had courage to bear a sight which might shake the strongest +nerves, but not to venture upon close conference with me. They shrunk +behind their guards, whispering something about the unnatural brightness +of my eyes. + +My only hope, therefore, rested upon the return of the humane surgeon, +and upon the chance that he might find leisure to examine me himself, +instead of trusting to the representation of the keeper. Yet, even +there, might not prejudice operate against me? I had felt its effects, +and had reason to tremble. + +The day came which preceded his periodical visit to the department +whither I had been removed. It was a stormy one, and heavy rain beat +against my grated window. My swallows, who had tried their first flight +only the day before, cowered close in their nest; or peeped from its +little round opening, as if to watch the return of their mother. They +had grown so accustomed to me, that the sight of me never disturbed +them. In the pride of my heart I showed them to the keeper when he +brought my morning repast. 'Who knows,' said I, 'if the doctor come +to-morrow, but they and I may take our departure together.' As I spoke, +a gust of the storm loosened the little fabric from its hold. I sprung +in consternation to the window. The ruin was complete; my treasure was +dashed to the ground. Let those smile who can, when I own that I uttered +a cry of sorrow; and, renouncing my unfinished meal, threw myself on my +bed and wept. + +'Help the girl!' exclaimed the keeper. 'A woman almost as big as I am, +crying for a swallow's nest. Well, as I shall answer, I thought you had +got quite well almost.' + +Aware too late of the impression which my ill-timed weakness had given, +I did my utmost, at his subsequent visits, to repair my error; but +prejudice, even in its last stage of decay, is more easily revived than +destroyed, and I saw that he remained at best sceptical. + +The day came which was to decide my fate. No lover waiting the sentence +of a cautious mistress,--no gamester pausing in dread to look at the +decisive die,--no British mother trembling with the Gazette in her +hand,--ever felt such anxiety as I did, at the approach of my medical +judge. With as much coherence, however, as I could command, I related to +him the circumstances to which I attributed my confinement. He heard me +with attention, questioned, and cross-examined me. 'Have you any +objection,' said he, 'to my making enquiries of Mr Boswell?' + +'None, certainly,' said I, 'if you cannot otherwise convince yourself +that I ought to be set at liberty; else I should be unwilling to add to +his domestic discomfort. I am persuaded that he has no part in this +cruelty.' + +The surgeon remained with me long; talking on various subjects, and +ingeniously contriving to withdraw my attention from the ordeal which I +was undergoing. The keeper, to justify his own sagacity, detailed with +exaggeration every instance he had witnessed of my supposed +eccentricity. 'To this good day,' said he, 'she'll be crying one minute, +and singing the next.' + +'Mr Smith,' said the doctor, shaking his head gravely, 'if you shut up +all the women who change their humour every minute, who will make our +shirts and puddings?' + +He related the transports of my premature gratitude. 'By the time you +are a little older, Miss Percy,' said the doctor, 'you will guess better +how far sympathy will go; and then you will not run the risk of being +thought crazy, by showing more sensibility than other people.' + +Other instances of my extravagance were not more successful; for the +doctor's prejudice had fortunately taken the other side. 'You know, Mr +Smith,' said he, 'that I always suspected this was not a case for your +management; and that if I had been in the way when admission was asked +for this lady, she would never have been here.' My departure was +therefore authorised; and, at my earnest request, it was fixed for that +day. + +And who shall paint the rapture of the prisoner, who tells himself, what +yet he scarcely dares believe, 'This day I shall be free?' Who shall +utter the gratitude which swells the heart of him whom this day has made +free? That I was to go I knew not whither,--to subsist I knew not +how,--could not damp the joys of deliverance. The wide world was indeed +before me; but even that of itself was happiness. The free air,--the +open face of heaven,--the unfettered grace of nature,--the joyous sport +of animals,--the cheerful tools of man,--sounds of intelligence, and +sights of bliss were there; and the wide world was to me, the native +land of the exile, lovely with every delightful recollection, and +populous with brethren and friends. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 19: Miss Percy's description is far, indeed, from exaggerating +the horrors of some lunatic asylums in Edinburgh, as they existed twenty +years ago. One of these, which was even more recently the disgrace of +Scotland and of human nature, is now managed with great attention to the +health and cleanliness of its miserable inmates.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + _Oh! grief has changed me since you saw me last; + And careful hours, and time's deforming hand + Have written strange defeatures in my face._ + + Shakspeare. + + +Though I resisted all idea of returning, even for an hour, to the +control of Mrs Boswell, it was thought necessary, since I had been +confined upon her authority and at her expense, that, before my +departure, she should be informed of my recovery, and consequent +dismission. After waiting impatiently the return of a message despatched +for this purpose; I learnt that Mr Boswell's house was shut up; the +whole family having removed to the country. My kind friend, Dr ----, +however, would not permit this to retard my departure. He undertook for +Mrs Boswell's performance of her engagement; which, he said, he could +easily compel, by threatening to expose her conduct. For my part, I had +no doubt that she had fled from the fear of detection, and with the +design of preventing her husband from discovering the barbarity she had +practised; for I knew that it was not the love of rural life, nor even +of the fashion, which could have roused Mrs Boswell to the exertion of +travelling fifty miles. + +So far as I was concerned, however, her precaution was unnecessary; for +she had injured me too seriously to have any return of injury to fear. +Nothing short of necessity could have induced me to expose her, while I +saw reason to dread that self-deceit might, under the name of justice, +countenance the spirit of revenge. The only reason I had to regret her +departure was, that I was thus prevented from receiving the money which +Mr Boswell had acknowledged to be my right. Every thing else which +could be called mine had been sent with me from the house, and was now +faithfully restored to me. Feeble indeed must have been the honesty to +which my possessions could have furnished a temptation! The whole +consisted in a few shillings, and a scanty assortment of the plainest +attire. And yet the heir of the noblest domain never looked round him +with such elation as I did, when I once more found myself under the open +canopy of heaven; nor did ever the 'harp and the viol' delight the ear +like the sound of the heavy gate which closed upon my departing steps. I +paused for a moment, to ask myself if all was not a dream; then leant my +forehead against the threshold, and wept the thanksgiving I could not +utter. + +I was roused by an enquiry from the person who was carrying my +portmanteau, 'whither I chose to have it conveyed?' The only residence +which had occurred to me, the only place with which I seemed entitled to +claim acquaintance, was my old abode at Mrs Milne's; and I desired the +man to conduct me thither. + +Though the gladness of my heart disposed me to good-humour with every +living thing, I could not help observing that my landlady received me +coolly. To my enquiry whether my former apartment was vacant, I could +scarcely obtain an intelligible reply; and when I requested that, if she +could not accommodate me, she would recommend another lodging-house to +me, the flame burst forth. She told me 'that she had had enough of +recommending people she knew nothing about. Mrs Boswell had very near +turned away her sister for recommending me already.' I assured the woman +that I should have sincerely regretted being the occasion of any +misfortune to her sister; and declared that I was utterly unconscious of +having ever done discredit to her recommendation. 'It might be so,' the +landlady said, 'but she did not know; it seemed very odd that I had been +sent away in a hurry from Mr Boswell's, and that I had never been heard +of from that day to this. To be sure,' said she, 'it was no wonder that +Mrs Boswell dismissed a person who had brought so much distress and +trouble into the family, and almost been the death of both Mr Boswell +and little miss.' + +'Mr Boswell! did he catch the infection too?' + +'To be sure he did; and so I dare say would the whole house, if you had +not been sent away.' + +I expressed my unfeigned sorrow for the mischief which I had innocently +caused; for I was at this moment less disposed to resent impertinence +than to sympathise in the joys and sorrows of all human kind. + +My landlady's countenance at last relaxed a little; and either won by my +good-humour, or prompted by her curiosity to discover my adventures +during my mysterious disappearance, or by a desire to dispose of her +lodging at a season when they were not very disposable, she told me that +I might, if I chose, take possession of my former accommodation. With +this ungracious permission I was obliged to comply; for the day was +already closing, and my scarcely recovered strength was fast yielding to +fatigue. + +I was aware, however, that in those lodgings it was impossible for me, +with only my present funds, to remain; for humble as were my +accommodations, they were far too costly for my means of payment. Mr +Boswell had, indeed, acknowledged himself my debtor for a sum, which, in +my situation, appeared positive riches; but my prospect of receiving it +was so small, or at least so distant, that I dared not include the +disposal of it in any plan for the present. That I might not, however, +lose it by my own neglect, I immediately wrote to remind Mr Boswell of +his promise, and to acquaint him whither he might transmit the money. I +had no very sanguine hopes that this letter would ever reach the person +for whom it was intended; and was more sorry than surprised, when day +after day passed, and brought no answer. + +In the mean time, I made every exertion to obtain a new situation. I +enquired for Mrs Murray; and found that she was still in England, where +she had been joined by her son. I went unwittingly to the house of her +repulsive sister; and found, to my great relief, that it was, like half +the houses in its neighbourhood, deserted for the season. It was in vain +that I endeavoured to procure employment as a teacher. The season was +against my success. The town was literally empty; for though this is a +mere figure of speech when applied to London, it becomes a matter of +fact in Edinburgh. Besides, I had no introduction; and I believe there +is no place under Heaven where an introduction is so indispensable. +Without it, scarcely the humblest employment was to be obtained. Had I +asked for alms, I should probably have been bountifully supplied; but +the charity which in Scotland is bestowed upon a nameless stranger, is +not of that kind which 'thinketh no evil.' + +Observing one day in the window of a toy-shop some of those ingenious +trifles, in the making of which I had once been accustomed to amuse +myself, I offered to supply the shop with as many of them as I could +manufacture. The shopman received my proposal coolly. Had I ordered the +most expensive articles of his stock, they would probably have been +intrusted to me without hesitation; but even he seemed to think that +pin-cushions and work-baskets must be made only by persons of +unequivocal repute. At last, though he would not intrust me with his +materials, he permitted me to work with my own; promising that, if my +baubles pleased him, he would purchase them. Even for this slender +courtesy I was obliged to be thankful; for I had now during a week +subsisted upon my miserable fund, and, in spite of the most rigid +economy, it was exhausted. The price of my lodging too for that week was +still undischarged; and it only remained to choose what part of my +little wardrobe should be applied to the payment of this debt. + +The choice was difficult; for nothing remained that could be spared +without inconvenience; and when it was at length fixed, I was still +doubtful how I should employ this last wreck of my possessions. I was +strongly tempted to use it in the purchase of materials for the work I +had undertaken; because I expected that in this way it might swell into +a fund which might not only repay my landlady, but contribute to my +future subsistence. But, fallen as I was, I could not condescend to +hazard, without permission, what was now, in fact, the property of +another: and, humbled as I had been, my heart revolted from owing the +use of my little capital to the forbearance of one from whom I could +scarcely extort respect. Once more, however, stubborn nature was forced +to bow; for, between humiliation and manifest injustice, there was no +room for hesitation; and I summoned my landlady to my apartment. 'Mrs +Milne,' said I, 'I can this evening pay what I owe you; and I can do no +more. I shall then have literally nothing.' + +The woman stood staring at me with a face of curious surprise; for this +was the first time that I had ever spoken to her of my circumstances or +situation. 'If you choose to have your money,' I continued, 'it is +yours. If you prefer letting it remain with me for a few days longer, it +will procure to me the means of subsistence, and to you the continuance +of a tenant for your apartment.' + +After enquiring into my plan with a freedom which I could ill brook, Mrs +Milne told me, 'that she had no wish to be severe upon any body; and +therefore would, for the present, be content with half her demand.' This +arrangement made, nothing remained except to procure the money; and, +for this purpose, I hasted to the place which I had formerly visited on +a similar errand. + +It was a shop little larger than a closet, dark, dirty, and confused; +and yet, I believe, Edinburgh, at that time, contained none more +respectable in its particular line. Some women, apparently of the lowest +rank, were searching for bargains among the trash which lay upon the +counter; while others seemed waiting to add to the heap. All bore the +brand of vice and wretchedness. Their squalid attire, their querulous or +broken voices, their haggard and bloated countenances, filled me with +dread and loathing. + +Having despatched my business, I was hastening to depart, when I was +arrested by a voice less ungentle than the others. It spoke in a +melancholy importunate half whisper; but it spoke in the accents of my +native land, and I started as if at the voice of a friend. The face of +the speaker was turned away from me. Her figure, too, was partly +concealed by a cloak, tawdry with shreds of what had once been lace. An +arm, on which the deathy skin clung to the bones, dragged rather than +supported a languid infant. She seemed making a last effort to renew a +melancholy pleading. 'If it were but the smallest trifle, sir,' said +she. + +'I tell you woman, I cannot afford it,' was the answer. 'You have had +more than the gown is worth already.' + +'God help me then,' said the woman, 'for I must perish;' and she turned +to be gone. The light rested upon her features. Altered as they were, +they could not be forgotten. 'Juliet! Miss Arnold!' I exclaimed; and the +long tale of credulity and ingratitude passed across my mind in an +instant. I stood gazing upon her for a moment. Sickness, want and +sorrow, were written in her face. I remembered it bright with all the +sportive graces of youth and gaiety. The contrast overcame me. 'Juliet! +dear Juliet!' I cried, and fell upon her neck. + +Strong emotion long kept me silent; while she seemed overpowered by +surprise. At length she recovered utterance. 'Ah, Ellen!' said she, 'you +are avenged on me now.' + +'Avenged! oh, Juliet!' + +It was then that I remembered the vengeance which I had imprecated upon +her head; and it was she who was avenged! + +When I again raised my eyes to her face, it was crossed by a faint +flush; and she looked down as if with shame upon her wretched attire. 'I +am sadly changed since you saw me last, Miss Percy,' said she. + +I could not bear to own the horrible truth of her words. 'Let us leave +this place,' said I. 'Come where you may tell me what has caused this +wreck.' + +I offered her my arm, and, with a look of surprise, she accepted it. +'Sure,' said she, 'you must be ashamed to be seen with a person of my +appearance.' + +'Can you imagine,' said I, 'that appearance is in my thoughts at such a +moment as this?' and vexed and chilled by this cold attention to +trifles, I silently conducted her towards my home. + +It was at a considerable distance from the place of our meeting; and the +strength of my companion was scarcely equal to the journey. We had not +gone far before she stopped, arrested by the breathlessness of +consumption. Alarmed, I held out my arms to relieve her from the burden +of the infant. Then first a painful suspicion struck a sickness to my +heart. I looked at her, then at the child, and feared to ask if it was +her own. She seemed to interpret the look, for a blush deepened the +hectic upon her cheek. 'My boy is not the child of shame, Miss Percy,' +said she. My breast was lightened of a load--I pressed her arm to me, +and again we went on. + +We at length reached my lodgings; and, regardless of the suspicious +looks which were cast upon us by the people of the house, I led Miss +Arnold to my apartment, and shared with her the last refreshment I could +command. During our repast, I could not help observing that the change +in Miss Arnold's appearance had but partially extended to her manners. +She was no sooner a little revived than she began to find occasions of +flattering me upon my improved beauty, which she hinted had become only +more interesting by losing the glow of health. + +'In one respect, Juliet,' said I coldly, 'you will find me changed. I +have lost my taste for compliments.' Then fearing I had spoken with +severity, I added more gaily, 'Besides, you can talk of me at any time. +Now tell me rather why I find you here so far from home, so much--tell +me every thing that it will not pain you to tell.' + +Miss Arnold showed no disinclination to enter on her tale. She told me +that, in consequence of her intimacy with Lady St Edmunds, she had, +after leaving me, _necessarily_ improved her acquaintance with her +Ladyship's niece, Lady Maria de Burgh. A smile of self-complacency +crossed her wasted face as she told me that a very few interviews had +served to dispel all Lady Maria's prejudices against her. 'But to be +sure,' added she, 'Lady Maria is such a fool, that I had no great glory +in changing her opinion.' I remembered with a sigh the time when this +comment would have given me pleasure; but I did not answer; and Miss +Arnold went on to relate, that Lady Maria soon pressed her, with such +unwearied importunity to become her guest, that the invitation was +absolutely not to be resisted without incivility. + +Lord Glendower was at that time Lady Maria's suitor; or rather, Miss +Arnold said, he talked and trifled in such a way, that her Ladyship was +in anxious expectation of his becoming so. 'However,' continued she, 'I +soon saw that, had our situations been equal, he might have preferred me +to his would-be bride.' + +She stopped, but I waited in silence the continuation of her story. 'You +know, Ellen,' said she, 'it was not to be supposed that I would neglect +so splendid a prospect. I had no obligation to Lady Maria which bound me +to sacrifice my happiness.' + +'Happiness!' repeated I involuntarily, while I recollected my humble +estimate of Lord Glendower's talents for bestowing it. + +'Any thing, you know, was happiness,' said Miss Arnold, 'compared with +the life of dependence and subjection which I must have endured with my +brother.' She went on detailing innumerable circumstances which seemed +to lay her under a kind of necessity to encourage Lord Glendower. + +'Ay, ay, Juliet,' interrupted I, 'as Mr Maitland used to say, we ladies +can always make up in the number of our reasons whatever they want in +weight.' + +Miss Arnold seemed to feel some difficulty in proceeding to the next +step of her narrative. 'At last,' said she, hesitating, 'it was +agreed;--I consented to--to go with Glendower to Scotland.' + +'To Scotland! Was not Lord Glendower his own master? Could he not marry +where he pleased?' + +'It was his wish,' said Miss Arnold, blushing and hesitating; 'and--and +you know, Ellen, when a woman is attached--you know----' + +'Don't appeal to my knowledge, Juliet, for I never was attached, and +never shall be.' + +A pause followed; and it was only at my request that Miss Arnold went on +with her story. 'When we arrived here,' said she, 'I found Glendower's +attentions were not what I expected. You may judge of my despair! I +knew, though I was innocent, nobody would believe my innocence;--I saw +that I was as much undone as if I had been really guilty.' + +'Oh no, Juliet!' cried I, 'there is, indeed, only one step between +imprudence and guilt; but that one is the passage from uneasiness to +misery, abiding misery. But what did you resolve upon?' + +'What could I do, Ellen? A little dexterity is the only means of defence +which we poor women possess.' + +'Any means of defence was lawful,' said I rashly, 'where all that is +valuable in this world or the next was to be defended.' + +'Certainly,' said Miss Arnold. 'Therefore, what I did cannot be blamed. +I had heard something of the Scotch laws in regard to marriage; and I +refused to see Glendower, unless he would at least persuade the people +of the lodging-house that I was his wife. Afterwards, I contrived to +make him send me a note, addressed to Lady Glendower. The note itself +was of no consequence, but it answered the purpose, and I have preserved +it. I took care, too, to ascertain that the people about us observed him +address me as his wife; and in Scotland this is as good as a thousand +ceremonies. Besides, you know, Ellen, a ceremony is nothing. Whatever +joins people irrevocably, is a marriage in the sight of God and man.' + +'Yes,' answered I, 'provided that both parties understand themselves to +be irrevocably bound.' + +Miss Arnold averted her eye for a moment; then looked up more steadily, +and went on with her story. 'After this, I had no hesitation to +accompany him to a shooting lodge, which he had hired, in the Highlands. +We were there some months: I am sure I was heartily sick of it. In +winter last we came here, and Glendower talked of going to town; but I +was not able, nor indeed much inclined to go with him; he has got into +such a shocking habit of drinking. So he left me here, promising to come +back after I was confined; but he had not been gone above two months, +when I saw in a newspaper an account of his marriage with Lady Maria. It +came upon me like a thunder-stroke. The shock brought on a premature +confinement, and I was long in extreme danger. However, I dictated +letters both to Glendower and Lady Maria, asserting my claims, and +declaring that, if they were resisted, the law should do me justice. I +wrote often before I could obtain an answer; and at last Glendower had +the effrontery to write, denying that I had any right over him. He had +even the cruelty to allege, that the time of my poor little boy's birth +in part refuted my story.' Juliet, who had hitherto told her tale with +astonishing self-possession, now burst into tears. 'As I hope for mercy, +Ellen,' said she, folding her infant to her breast with all the natural +fondness of a mother,--'as I hope for mercy, this boy is Glendower's; +and, as I truly believe, is his only lawful heir, if I could see him +once restored to his rights, I should ask no more.' + +She soon composed herself, and resumed her disastrous story. Lord +Glendower, incensed by her claim, refused to remit her money. She wrote +to her brother an account of her situation. He answered, that he had +already spent upon her education a sum sufficient, if she had acted +prudently, to have made her fortune; that he was not such a fool as to +spend more in publishing her disgrace in a court of law, where he was +sure no judge would award her five shillings of damages;--that he sent +her thirty pounds to furnish a shop of small wares, and desired he might +never hear of her more. The money came in time to rescue her from a +prison; but the payment of her debts left her penniless. She had +subsisted for some time by the sale of her trinkets and clothes. Lower +and lower her resources had fallen; narrower and more narrow had become +the circle of her comforts, till she was now completely a beggar. + +She had also long struggled with ill health. 'This exhausting cough,' +said she, 'and this weakness that makes every thing a burden to me, are +very disheartening, though I know they are not dangerous.' I looked at +her, and shuddered. If ever consumption had set its deadly seal upon any +face, hers bore the impression. + +'What is the matter, Ellen?' said she, 'I assure you I am not so ill as +I look.' + +'I hope not,' said I, trying to smile. + +Evening was now closing; and as I knew that the place which Juliet had +for some days called her home was at a considerable distance, I was +about to propose sharing my apartment with her for the night; when my +landlady opening my door, desired, in a very surly tone, that I would +speak with her. Half guessing the subject of our conference, I followed +her out of hearing of my unfortunate companion. In terms which I must +rather attempt to translate than record, she enquired what right I had +to fill her house with vagrants. With some warmth I resisted the +application of the phrase, telling her that the misfortunes of a +gentlewoman gave no one a right to load her with suspicion or abuse. +'Troth, as for gentility,' said the landlady, 'I believe you are both +much about it. I might have my notion; but I never knew rightly what you +were, till I saw the company you keep. A creature painted to the eyes!' + +'Painted! The painting of death!' + +'Well, well, painted or not painted, send her out of this house; for +here she shall stay no longer!' + +'Mrs Milne,' said I, scorning the altercation in which I was engaged, +'while that apartment is called mine, it shall receive or exclude +whomsoever I please.' I turned from her, determined to use the right +which I had asserted. + +'Yours, indeed!' cried the enraged landlady, following me. 'It shall not +be called yours long then. Either pay for the week you have had it, or +else leave it this moment; and don't stay here bringing disgrace upon +creditable people that never bore but a good character till now.' + +I am ashamed to own that the insolence of this low woman overcame my +frail temper. 'Disgrace!' I began in the tone of strong indignation; but +recollecting that I could only degrade myself by the contest, I again +turned away in silence. + +She now forced herself into my apartment; and, addressing Miss Arnold, +commanded her to leave the house instantly. Miss Arnold cast a +supplicating look upon me. 'I shall never reach home alone,' said she. + +'There is no need for your attempting it,' returned I; 'for if you go, I +will accompany you.' + +To this proposal, however, Miss Arnold appeared averse. She showed a +strong inclination to remain where she was, and even condescended to +remonstrate with the insolent landlady. Had I guessed the reason of this +condescension, I might have been saved one of the most horrible moments +of my existence. It had no other effect than to increase the +impertinence it was meant to disarm; for the 'soft answer which turns +away wrath' must at least seem disinterested. Disgusted with this scene +of vulgar oppression and spiritless endurance, 'Come, Juliet,' said I, +'if I cannot protect you from insolence here, I will attend you home; +and since you cannot share my apartment, let me take part of yours.' + +Miss Arnold still lingered, however, and again made a fruitless appeal +to the compassion of Mrs Milne; but finding her inexorable, she +consented to depart. + +I threw my purse upon the table. 'Mrs Milne,' said I, 'after what you +have obliged me to hear, I will not put it in your power to insult me by +farther suspicion. There is the money I owe you.' + +The landlady, now somewhat softened, followed us to the door, assuring +me that it was not to me she made objections. I left her without reply; +and giving Juliet my arm, supported her during a long and melancholy +walk. + +It was almost dark; and the thoughts of passing unprotected through the +streets of a great city filled me with alarm. I breathed painfully, and +scarcely dared to speak even in a whisper. Every time that my exhausted +companion stopped to gather strength, I shook with the dread that we +should attract observation; and when we proceeded, I shrunk from every +passenger, as if from an assassin. Without molestation, however, we +reached Miss Arnold's abode. + +It was in the attic story of a building, of which each floor seemed +inhabited by two separate families; and in this respect alone it seemed +superior to the dwelling of my poor friend Cecil, who shared her +habitation with a whole community. Miss Arnold knocked; and a dirty, +wretched-looking woman cautiously opened the door. Presenting me, Miss +Arnold began, 'I have brought you a lady who wishes to take----' But the +moment the woman perceived us, her eyes flashed fury; and she +interrupted Miss Arnold with a torrent of invective; from which I could +only learn, that my companion, being her debtor, had deceived her as to +her means of payment, and that she was resolved to admit her no more. +Having talked herself out of breath, she shut the door with a violence +which made the house shake. + +I turned to the ghastly figure of my companion, and grew sick with +consternation. Half bent to the earth, she was leaning against the +threshold, as if unable to support herself. 'Plead for me, Ellen,' said +she faintly. 'I can go no farther.' In compliance with this piteous +request, I knocked again and again; but no answer was returned. + +I now addressed myself to Juliet; entreating her to exert herself, and +assuring her of my persuasion, that if she could once more reach my +lodgings, even the inexorable Mrs Milne would not permit her to pass the +night without a shelter. But the weakness of the disease had extended to +the mind. Miss Arnold sunk upon the ground. 'Oh, I can go no farther!' +she cried; wringing her hands, and weeping like an infant. 'Go--go home, +and leave me, Ellen. I left you in your extremity, and now judgment has +overtaken me! Go, and leave me.' + +It was in vain that I entreated her to have mercy on herself, and on her +child; imploring that she would not, by despair, create the evil she +dreaded. 'Oh, I cannot go, I cannot go,' said she; and she continued to +repeat, weeping, the same hopeless reply to all that I could urge to +rouse her. + +The expectation which I had tried to awaken in her was but feeble in my +own breast; and I at last desisted from my fruitless importunity. But +what course remained for me? Even the poorest shelter I had not the +means to procure. We were in a land of strangers; and many a heart open +to human sympathies was closed against us. To solicit pity was to +provoke suspicion, perhaps to encounter scorn. I myself might return to +my inhospitable home, but what would then become of the unfortunate +Juliet? While I gazed upon the dying figure before me, and weighed the +horrible alternative of leaving her perhaps to perish alone, or +remaining with her exposed to all from which the nature of woman most +recoils, my spirits failed; and the bitter tears of anguish burst from +my eyes. But there are thoughts of comfort which ever hover near the +soul, like the good spirits that walk the earth unseen. There is a hope +that presses for admission into the heart from which all other hope is +fled. 'Juliet,' said I, 'let us commend ourselves to God. It is His will +that we should this night have no protection but His own. Be the +consequence what it may, I will not leave you.' + +My unhappy companion answered only by a continuance of that feeble +wailing which was now more the effect of weakness than of grief; while +I, turning from her, addressed myself to Heaven, with a confidence which +they only know who have none other confidence. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + + _It is too late. The life of all_ her _blood + Is touched corruptibly; and_ her _poor brain + (Which some suppose the soul's frail dwelling-house) + Doth, by the idle comments which it makes, + Foretell the ending of mortality._ + + Shakspeare. + + +I was startled by the approach of a heavy footstep. Trembling, I +whispered to Miss Arnold an earnest entreaty that she would command +herself, and not invite curiosity, perhaps insult, to our last retreat. +But I asked an impossibility; poor Juliet could not restrain her +sobbing. The step continued to ascend the stair. Though now hopeless of +concealment, I instinctively shrunk aside. But I breathed more freely, +when I perceived through the dusk that the cause of my alarm was a +woman. + +Crossing the landing, she knocked at the door adjacent to that which had +been closed against us; then approaching my companion, she enquired into +the cause of her distress. 'She is a stranger, sick, and unfortunate,' +said I, now coming forward. 'The only place where she could this night +find shelter is so distant, that she is quite unable to reach it.' + +A youthful voice now calling from within was answered by the woman; and +presently the door was opened by a girl carrying a lamp. Several joyous +faces crowded to welcome a mother's return; and beyond, the light of a +cheerful fire danced on the roof of a clean though humble dwelling. I +turned an eye almost of envy towards the woman. The lamp threw a strong +gleam upon her features; they were familiar to my recollection. She was +the widow of the poor gardener who died in my presence at Greenwich. + +She had turned to address some words of compassion to Miss Arnold; when +the little girl pulled her by the apron, and, casting a sidelong look at +me, said in a half whisper, 'Mother, _she_ is like the good English +lady.' The widow turned towards me, and uttered an exclamation of +surprise; then doubting the evidence of her senses, 'No,' said she, 'it +is not possible.' + +'It is but too possible, Mrs Campbell,' said I; 'the changes of this +restless world have made me the stranger now.' + +'And its yoursel', miss! exclaimed the widow, looking at me with a glad +smile. 'God bless you! ye shall never be strange to me. Please just to +come in, and rest you a little.' Then recollecting Juliet, she added, +'If ye be concerned for this poor body, just bid her come in too.' + +The wanderer, who, benighted in the enemy's land, has been welcomed to +the abode of charity and peace, will imagine the gladness with which I +accepted this invitation. I raised my dejected companion from the +ground, led her to her new asylum, and fervently thanked Heaven for the +joyful sense of her safety and my own. + +We presently found ourselves in an apartment which served in the double +capacity of kitchen and parlour; and our hostess placing a large stuffed +elbow-chair close to the fire, cordially invited me to sit. She looked +back towards my companion, as if doubtful whether she were entitled to +similar courtesy. 'Lady Glendower,' said I, offering to her the place of +honour. It was the first time I had called Juliet by her new name. After +all my impressive lessons of humility, I fear I was not entirely +disinterested in asserting the disparity between the rank of my +companion and her appearance; but I fancied for the moment, that I was +merely claiming respect and compassion for the unfortunate. I had, +however, some difficulty in conveying the desired impression of my +friend's dignity; and it was not until I had succeeded, that I enquired +whether Mrs Campbell could give her the accommodation which she so much +needed. The good woman seemed delighted to have an opportunity of +serving me; and her little girl, who, with the awkward bashfulness +common to the children of her country, had resisted all the advances of +her old acquaintance, now whispered to her mother an offer to resign her +bed to the stranger. This was, however, unnecessary. Mrs Campbell +informed me, that since I had enabled her to return to her own +connections, she had never known want, having obtained constant +employment as a laundress; that her brother, a thriving tradesman, +having lately become a widower, had invited her to superintend his +family; and his business having for the present carried him from home, +she offered Juliet the use of his apartment. + +My companion thus provided with a decent shelter, I began to indulge +some anxiety on my own account. It was near midnight; and I was almost a +mile from home, if I could indeed be said to have a home. I had never +traversed a city by night without all the protections of equipage and +retinue. Now, without defence from outrage, except in the neglect of the +passers by, I was to steal timidly to a threshold where my admission was +at best doubtful. The only alternative was to request that the widow +would extend to me the kindness which she had just shown to my friend; +and this request required an effort which I found almost impracticable. + +I hesitated in my choice of evils till the hour almost decided the +question; then half resolved to utter my proposal, I began to speak; but +the favour which I had petitioned for another, I found it impossible to +ask for myself; and I was obliged to conclude my hesitating preface by a +request, that Mrs Campbell would accompany me home. + +Juliet no sooner saw me about to depart, than she was seized with the +idea that I was going to forsake her for ever; and reduced by illness +and fatigue to the weakness of infancy, she again began to weep. In vain +did I promise to return in the morning. 'Oh no,' said she, 'I cannot +expect it. I cannot expect you to visit me--me, forlorn and wretched.' + +'These very circumstances, Juliet,' said I, 'would of themselves ensure +my return. But if you will not rely on my friendship, at least trust my +word. That you have never had reason to doubt.' + +Miss Arnold did not venture to offend me by expressing her suspicions of +a promise so formally given; but when I offered to go, she clung to me, +entreating with an earnestness which betrayed her fears, that I would +not leave her to want and desolation. + +Overcome by her tears, or glad perhaps of a pretext for yielding +decently, I now offered to remain with her, and proposed to share her +apartment. Our grateful hostess willingly consented to this arrangement; +and, with a hundred apologies for the poorness of my accommodations, +conducted us to our chamber. She little guessed how sumptuous it was, +compared with others which I had occupied! It was to be sure of no +modern date; it shook at every step; and the dark lining of wainscot +gave it a gloomy appearance; but its size and furniture were handsome, +compared with what I had been accustomed to find in the dwellings of +labour. An excellent bed was rendered luxurious by linens which, in +purity and texture, might have suited a palace; and here I had soon the +satisfaction of seeing my exhausted companion and her infant sink into +profound repose. + +For my part, I felt no inclination to sleep. My mind was occupied in +considering the difficulties of my situation. While I had scarcely any +apparent provision for my real wants, I was in a manner called to supply +those of another; for Juliet was even more destitute than myself. +Health, spirits, and activity still remained to me; blessings compared +with which all that I had lost were as nothing; while the disease which +was dragging her to the grave had already left her neither power to +struggle, nor courage to endure. To desert her was an obduracy of +selfishness which never entered my contemplation. But it remained for me +to consider whether I should first provide for my own indispensable +wants, and bestow upon her all else that constant diligence could +supply; or whether we should share in common our scanty support, and +when it failed, endure together. + +'Were I to supply her occasionally,' thought I, 'every trifling gift +would be dearly paid by the recollection that she forsook me in my +extremity. If we live together, nothing will remind her that she owes +any thing to me, and in time she may forget it. And shall not I indeed +be the debtor? What shall I not owe her for the occasion to testify my +sense of the great, the overwhelming forgiveness which has been heaped +upon me? O Author of peace and pardon! enable me joyfully to toil, and +to suffer for her, that I may at last trace, in this dark soul, a +dawning of thine own brightness!' + +My resolution was taken, and I lost no time in carrying it into effect. +Understanding that our present apartment was to be unoccupied for some +weeks, I hired it upon terms almost suitable to the state of my +finances. I explained to Juliet my situation and my intentions; telling +her gaily, that I appointed her my task-mistress, and expected she would +look well to her duty. I next proposed to go and settle the demands of +my former landlady, and to remove my small possessions to my new abode. +Juliet made no resistance to this proposal; though I could read +suspicion in the eye which scrutinised my face as I spoke. When I was +ready to depart, she suddenly requested me to carry her little boy with +me, under pretence that she herself was unable to give him exercise. I +was instantly sensible of this palpable contrivance to secure my return. +To feel myself suspected of treachery at the very moment when I was +impatient to make every sacrifice, assailed my temper, where, alas! it +has ever been most assailable. 'What right have you to insult me?'--I +indignantly began; but when my eye rested on the faded countenance, the +neglected form, the spiritless air of my once playful companion, my +anger vanished. 'Oh, Juliet!' said I, 'do not add to all your other +distresses the pain of suspecting your friend. Thoughtless, selfish, you +may have found me; but why should you think me treacherous?' Miss Arnold +protested immutable confidence, and unbounded gratitude; but I was no +longer the credulous child of self-conceit and prosperity; and pained +and disgusted, I turned away. Common discretion, however, required that +I should not, by dwelling upon her unworthiness, render the task of +befriending her more burdensome. I had indeed neither time nor spirits +to spare for any disagreeable subject of contemplation. + +After settling my accounts with Mrs Milne, I expended the miserable +remainder of my money, partly on indispensable supply for the wants of +the day,--partly on materials for the work which I hoped to earn +subsistence for the morrow. Of these I was obliged to be content with a +very humble assortment. I remembered that, in our better days, Juliet, +as well as myself, had shown inexhaustible ingenuity in the creation of +toys; and I fancied that we might again, with pleasure, share these +light labours together. But no one who has not made the experiment can +imagine how deadly compulsion is to pleasure;--how wearisome the very +sport becomes which must of necessity be continued the livelong +day;--how inviting is every gleam of sunshine, every glimpse of the open +face of Heaven, to one who dares not spare a moment to enjoy them! +Oppressed by the listlessness of disease, Juliet could scarcely make +this experiment; or rather perhaps her early habits could not give way +to a sense of duty, or even of necessity. Her work was taken up and +relinquished a hundred times a day. The trifle which was begun one hour, +was the next deserted for another, to be in its turn forsaken. But what +was worse, a series of efforts defeated,--the sense of a fault which she +had not courage to amend, had an unfortunate effect upon her temper; and +the once playful and caressing Juliet became discontented and peevish. + +These humours indeed she seldom directly vented upon me; but her ill +health, her misfortunes, her privations, the treachery of her husband, +the cruelty of her brother, and the ill qualities of mankind in general, +furnished her with sufficient subjects of impatience. Once indeed, for a +moment, her self-command forsook her so far, that she turned her +displeasure on a trifling occasion against me. I kept my temper, +however; and she instantly recovered hers. But the cowardly fear of +alienating me, the most provoking of all her weaknesses, prompted her +soon after to overwhelm me with promises which were to be performed when +she should be restored to her rights and dignities. I had resolved never +to wound her by one severe expression, and even now I kept my purpose, +though I wept with indignation. + +But in spite of my forbearance, and Juliet's caution, I was often +sensible that I had involuntarily given her pain. I could see that she +often mistook the most casual expressions for subtle reproach, or +insinuated threat. Though I forgave, I found it impossible to convince +her of my forgiveness. However suppressed, the latent impression of her +mind certainly was, that I must, in some sort, avenge myself for her +former desertion; nor could she always conceal the mingled sentiment of +fear and anger which this impression inspired. + +But no expression of impatience, nor even of suspicion, was so +tormenting to me as the abject entreaties for forgiveness, which were +reiterated after the most solemn assurances that they were needless. +'For Heaven's sake, Juliet,' I would say to her, 'let this subject be +dropped for ever. I beseech you to let me forget that I have any thing +to forgive you. If ever you see me fail in kindness, if ever I seem to +prefer my own comfort or advantage to yours, then--then remind me that +you once did me wrong, that you may rouse me by the strongest of motives +to love and benefit you.' But all I could say, did only, at best, +impress her with momentary conviction. More frequently her efforts +failed to conceal from me that she thought me more capable of inventing +Christian sentiments than of feeling them. + +In the mean time, her feeble frame declined from day to day; yet, while +she was thus a prey to groundless apprehensions, the melancholy +security, which is so frequent a symptom of her disease, blinded her to +the approach of inevitable fate. It was heart-breaking to see her +spending her last breath in devising schemes of vanity or revenge; +fixing, with suspicious dread, her dying eye upon a fellow-worm, +regardless of all that the Creator could threaten or bestow. Often did I +resolve to awaken her to her danger; but so profound seemed her +security, that my courage was unequal to the task. I did not, indeed, +deceive her with the language of hope, but I forbore, explicitly, to +express my fears; and with this concealment, so cowardly, so unfriendly, +so cruel, I shall never cease to reproach myself. + +It was, perhaps, for want of this very act of resolution, that I found +it impossible to rouse her to any serious examination of her own mind, +any alarming impressions of her condition as an accountable creature. +Having once settled it that I had been converted to methodism by Miss +Mortimer, she was as impenetrable to all that I could urge, as if the +name she gave to the speaker could have affected the nature and +importance of the truth spoken. + +My desertion was the sole object of her serious fears; her hopes all +centered in her little boy, or rather in the honours which she expected +him to attain. She was constantly urging me to find out some lawyer, +whom the love of justice, or the hope of future recompense, might induce +to undertake her cause. The ruin which her success was to bring upon one +whom I had once regarded as an enemy made me unwilling to take any part +in Miss Arnold's scheme; and my extreme dislike to asking favours +rendered me particularly averse to make the application she desired. At +last, weary of my delays, she herself undertook the business. + +As she was no longer able to walk abroad, the earnings of two entire +days were spent in conveying her to and from the chambers of an eminent +lawyer; but we forgot our wants and our toils together, when she +received a written opinion, that her claims were at least tenable. + +The exertion she had made was death to the unfortunate Juliet. Her cough +and fever increased to an alarming degree. Her sickly appetite revolted +from our homely meals; and every thing which I had the means to procure +was in turn rejected with loathing. That which at times she fancied +might be less distasteful was no sooner procured, sometimes with +difficulty enough, than it became offensive. The most unremitting +diligence, the most rigid self-denial, could not provide for the +caprices of the distempered palate; while the habits of indulgence, +uniting with the feebleness of disease, rendered even the trivial +disappointments of appetite important to poor Juliet. She would fret +like an infant over the want of that which I had not to give; and would +repeat again and again the wish which she knew could not be gratified. I +cannot boast that my temper was always proof against this chiding. +Sometimes I found safety in flight,--sometimes in the remembrance of +Miss Mortimer's patient suffering,--and in a heartfelt prayer, that my +life and my death might want every other comfort, rather than those +which had to the last supported the spirit of my friend. + +To all our other difficulties, a new cause of perplexity was suddenly +added. The toyman who purchased my work one evening informed me, that he +had an overstock of my baubles; and that unless I would greatly lower +their price, he could for the present employ me no more. I was +thunderstruck at this disaster. My earnings were already barely adequate +to our wants, therefore, to reduce my wretched gains, was to incur at +once all the real miseries of poverty. After my former experience in the +difficulty of procuring employment, the loss of my present one seemed +the sentence of ruin; and I, who should once have felt intolerable +hardship in one day of labour, could now foresee no greater misfortune +than idleness. + +I wandered home irresolute and disconsolate. I seemed burdened beyond my +strength, and felt the listless patience which succeeds a last vain +struggle. I entered my home with the heavy careless step of one who has +lost hope. My companion had sunk into a slumber; and as I watched her +peaceful insensibility, I almost wished that she might awaken no more. + +In such dark hours our departed sins ever return to haunt us. I +remembered the thoughtless profusion with which I had wasted the gifts +of fortune. I remembered that, with respect to every valuable purpose, +they had been bestowed upon me in vain. It was strictly just, that the +trust so abused should be entirely withdrawn; and, forgetful of all my +better prospects, I sunk into the despondence of one who feels the grasp +of inflexible, merciless justice. 'I will struggle with my fate no +more,' said I. 'I have deserved and will endure it patiently.' +Patiently! did I call it? Were my feelings those of one invited in a +course of steady endeavours to hope for a blessing, but forewarned that +this blessing might not wear the form of success? Did they not rather +resemble the sullen resignation of him who is thwarted by a resistless +adversary? + +A sentiment like this could not harbour long in a mind accustomed to +dwell upon the proofs of goodness unspeakable,--accustomed to commit its +cares to a Father's wisdom, to expect all its joys from a Father's love. +The hour came, the solemn hour, appointed perhaps to teach us at once +our dependence and our security, when, by the very constitution of our +frame, all mortal being resigns itself into the hands of the Guardian +who slumbereth not;--when all mortal being is forced to commit its +possessions, its powers, to His care, in order to receive them renovated +from His bounty again. I know not how it is with others, but I cannot +help considering the helplessness of sleep as an invitation to cast +myself implicitly upon His protection; nor can I feel the healthful +vivacity of the waking hour, without receiving in it a pledge of His +patience and His love. The morning found me in peace and in hope, +although I was as little as ever able to devise the means of my escape +from penury. + +One scheme at last occurred to me, which nothing but dire necessity +could have suggested; and which, in spite of the bitter medicine I had +received, still gave me pain enough to indicate the original disease of +my mind. This scheme was, to request that our landlady would endeavour +to dispose of my work among the families by whom she was employed. +Though she must have guessed at my situation, it could only be partially +known to her; for I had always taken care to discharge her claims with +scrupulous punctuality; submitting to many a privation, rather than fail +to lay aside daily the pittance necessary to answer her weekly demand. +To tell her of my wants,--to commit the story of them to her +discretion,--to claim her aid in a traffic which I myself had been +accustomed to consider as only a more modest kind of begging,--was so +revolting to my feelings, that, had my own wants alone been in question, +the effort would never have been made, while they were any thing less +than intolerable. But I did not _dare_ to resist the wants of Juliet, +for Juliet had wronged me. I could not resist them; for a series of +kindnesses, begun in a sense of duty, had awakened in my heart something +of its early affection towards her; and her melancholy decay of body and +of mind touched all that was compassionate in my nature. + +Yet I gladly recollected, that Mrs Campbell's absence would afford me +some hours of reprieve; and in the evening, the sound of her return made +my breath come short. Coldly and concisely I made my request, striving +the while for a look of unconcern. The request was cordially granted; +and the good woman proceeded to ask a hundred questions and +instructions; for she had none of that quick observation and instinctive +politeness which would have made my Highland friend instantly perceive +and avoid a painful subject. The only directions, however, which I was +inclined to give her, were to spare my name, and to use no solicitation. +Having prepared some toys, of which the workmanship constituted almost +the sole value, I committed them to her charge. + +The first day, she brought back my poor merchandise undiminished; and, +in consequence, I was obliged to let the toyman take it at little more +than the price of the materials. The second, however, she was more +fortunate. She sold a little painted basket for more than the sum I had +expected it to bring; and conveyed to me, besides, a message from the +purchaser, desiring that I would undertake to paint a set of ornaments +for a chimney-piece. My satisfaction was somewhat damped by the lady's +making it a condition of her employing me, that I should receive her +directions in person. There was no room for hesitation, however, and I +was obliged to consent. + +Poor Juliet was childishly delighted with out good fortune. 'Now,' cried +she, 'I may have the glass of Burgundy and water that you have been +refusing me these two days.' For two days she had almost entirely +rejected the simple fare which I could offer, though day and night she +ceased not to complain that she was pining for the support which her +languid frame required; and this same glass of Burgundy and water was +constantly declared to be the only endurable form of sustenance, the +panacea which was instantly to cure all her ailments. + +'Indeed, Juliet,' said I, 'we must endeavour to think of something else +that you can take. All the money we have, excepting what must be paid +Mrs Campbell to-morrow, would not buy the smallest quantity of Burgundy +that is sold.' + +'I am sure Mrs Campbell would wait,' returned Juliet: 'she does not want +the money.' + +'But we have no right to make her wait, Juliet. The money is not ours +but hers. Besides, you know, we find it difficult to meet even our +regular expense, so that to recover from debt, would, I am sure, be +impossible.' + +'Oh, from such a small debt as that,--but I cannot expect that you +should inconvenience yourself for me. I have not deserved it from you. I +have no right to hope that you should care for my wants or my +sufferings,--only from pity to the poor infant at my breast.' + +Juliet shed tears, and continued to weep and to complain, till, unable +to resist, yet determined not to make a concession which I knew by +experience would be as useless as ruinous, I started up and quitted her +without reply. I left her for some time alone, in hopes that she would +recollect the folly of her perseverance, or that her inclination might +wander to something more attainable. But when I again opened the door, +her hand was upon the lock. 'Oh!' cried she, 'I thought you would never +come! Where is it?' + +'Dear Juliet,' said I, sickened with her obstinacy, 'you know you ask +impossibilities.' + +She had persuaded herself that she had prevailed; and the +disappointment, however trivial, was more than she could bear. She burst +into violent sobs, which by degrees increased into a sort of asthmatic +fit, seeming to threaten immediate dissolution. Fortunately the family +were not yet in bed; and medical assistance, though of the humblest +kind, was almost immediately procured. As soon as the fit was removed, +the apothecary's apprentice, or as Mrs Campbell called him, 'the +doctor,' administered to his patient an opiate, which was so effectual, +that she was still in a quiet sleep when the hour came for visiting my +new employer. + +My reluctance to this visit was almost forgotten in the anxiety +occasioned by the situation of poor Juliet. All night as I watched by +her bed-side, I had half doubted the virtue of my resistance to her +wishes, and thought I would sacrifice any thing rather than again +exercise such hazardous fortitude. My blood ran cold at the thought that +I had nearly been in some sort the means of hurrying her to her great +account; an account for which she seemed, alas! so miserably unprepared. +The danger she had just escaped increased the anxiety which I had long +felt to obtain medical advice for her; and seemed to make it a moral +duty that I should no longer trust to my own unskilful management, that +which was so unspeakably important, and so lamentably frail. But the +means of purchasing advice were beyond my reach; and the thought of +procuring it in a manner more suitable to my condition had been often +dismissed as too humbling to bear consideration. + +My new employment now offered hopes of obtaining the assistance so much +desired. But the accomplishments of these hopes must of necessity be +distant, while Juliet's situation was no longer such as to admit of +delay. The only way of escaping from this perplexity was one to which I +felt extreme repugnance. This was, to request that the lady for whom I +was to paint the ornaments would advance part of the price of my work. + +I know not why I was so averse to make this request. Surely I was not so +silly as to be ashamed of poverty, nor weak enough to feel my +self-estimation lessened by the absence of that which could never be +considered as part of myself, but only of my outward situation! +Besides, whatever disgrace might rest upon a petition for charity, no +shame could reasonably attach to a fair demand upon the price +voluntarily offered for my labour. Though in spite of these, and many +other reasonable considerations, my averseness to this request remained +in full force, I never exactly discovered the grounds of it; because +experience had taught me, that when duty is ascertained to lie on one +side, it is better to omit all consideration of what might be said on +the other. Now, as it was certainly my duty, however painful, to procure +assistance for poor Juliet, it would have been imprudent to pry into the +reasons which might disincline me to the task. + +All this, with a hundred anticipations of success and of disappointment, +passed through my mind as I proceeded towards the place of my +destination. I was shown into the presence of an elderly lady of very +prepossessing appearance. The consistent, unaffected gravity of her +dress, air, and demeanour, claimed the respect due to her age, while her +benevolent countenance and gracious manner seemed to offer the +indulgence which youth requires. She received me with more than +courtesy; and entered into conversation with an ease which quickly made +me forget what was embarrassing in my visit. I soon perceived that our +favourable impressions were mutual; and was at no loss to account for +this good fortune on my part, when the lady hinted that she had borrowed +her sentiments from the grateful Mrs Campbell. + +It was not until near the close of a long interview that she contrived, +with a delicacy which spared the jealous sensibility of dependence, to +give directions for the work which she expected me to do; and to make me +understand that she would willingly proportion the recompense to the +labour bestowed. But the more her politeness invited me to respect +myself, the more painful became the thought of sinking at once from an +equal to a suppliant; and as the moment approached when the effort must +be made, my spirits forsook me. I became absent and embarrassed. I +hesitated; and half persuaded myself, that I had no right to tax the +kindness of a stranger. Then I remembered Juliet's extreme danger, the +scene which was still before my eyes, her frightful struggles for +breath, the deadly exhaustion which followed; and it seemed as if my +humiliation would scarcely cost me an effort. 'There is a favour,'--I +began; but when I met the enquiring eye, I hastily withdrew mine; the +scorching blood rushed to my cheeks; and I stood abashed and silent. + +'You were going to say something,' said the lady. I stammered I know +not what. She took my hand with the kind familiarity of a friend. 'I +wish,' said she, in a voice of gentle solicitude, 'that I could make you +forget the shortness of our acquaintance. It is hard that you should +think of me as a stranger, while I feel as if I had known you from your +cradle.' + +The voice of kindness has ever found instant access to my heart; yet it +was not gratitude alone which filled my eyes with tears as I uttered my +confused reply. 'Oh, you are good--I see that you are good,' said I; +'and I know I ought not to feel--I ought not to give way to--but not +even extreme necessity could have----' + +I stopped; but the lady's purse was already in her hand. 'If I dared,' +said she, 'I could chide you well; for I fear you are one of those who +will scarcely accept the bounty of Providence if He administer it by any +hand but his own. Try to receive this trifle as if it came directly from +Himself.' + +I now quickly recovered my powers of speech, while I assured the lady +that she had mistaken my meaning, and explained to her the favour which +I had really intended to ask. Then, recollecting the justice of her +reproof, 'Yes, chide me as you will,' said I; 'I have not deserved so +gentle a monitor. I deserve to be severely reminded of the humility with +which every gift of Heaven ought to be received by one who has so often +forfeited them all.' + +The lady, who seemed perfectly to understand the character with which +she had to do, now frankly bestowed the assistance asked, and delicately +offered no more. As I was taking my leave, she enquired my address; +adding, that she believed Mrs Campbell had neglected to mention my name. +Again I felt my face glow; but I had seen my error, and would not +persist in it. 'No, madam,' said I, 'a blamable weakness made me +desirous to conceal my name; but you are not one of those who will think +the worse of Ellen Percy because she contributes to her own support.' + +'Percy!' repeated the lady, as if struck with some sudden recollection. +'But I think Mrs Campbell mentioned that you had no connections in +Scotland.' + +'None, madam; scarcely even an acquaintance.' + +'Then,' said the lady, 'it must be another person for whom my friend is +enquiring so assiduously.' + +I would fain have asked who this friend was; but the lady did not +explain herself, and I was obliged to depart without gratifying my +curiosity. That curiosity, however, presently gave way to stronger +interests. It was now in my power to obtain a real benefit for poor +Juliet. As for the morbid inclination which had cost her so dear, I +found it fixed upon a new trifle, which was soon procured, and as soon +rejected. But I could now obtain medical advice for her, and I did not +delay to use the advantage; though she was herself so insensible to her +danger that she was with difficulty brought to consent that a physician +should be called. Recollecting the person to whom I owed my escape from +the most horrible of confinements, and naturally preferring his +attendance to that of a stranger, I sent to request his presence; and he +immediately obeyed the summons. + +I watched his countenance and manner as he interrogated his poor +patient, and could easily perceive that he judged the case hopeless; +while she evidently tried to mislead him, as she had deceived herself, +retracting or qualifying the statement of every symptom which he +appeared to think unfavourable. At the close of his visit, I quitted the +room with him. He had written no prescription; and I enquired whether he +had no directions to give. 'None,' said he, hastening to be gone, +'except to let her do as she pleases.' I offered him the customary fee. +'No, no, child,' said he; 'it is needless to throw away both my time and +your money; either of them is enough to lose.' + +Strong as had been my conviction of the danger, I was shocked at this +unequivocal opinion. 'Oh, sir!' cried I, 'can nothing be done?' + +'Nothing in the world, my dear,' said he, carelessly: 'all the +physicians in Europe could not keep her alive a week.' + +Our melancholy dialogue was interrupted by a noise as of somebody +falling to the ground. I sprung back into the passage, and found Juliet +lying senseless on the floor. Some apprehension excited by Dr ----'s +manner had induced her to steal from her apartment, and listen to our +conversation. The intelligence thus obtained she had not fortitude to +bear. She recovered from her insensibility, only to give way to the most +pitiable anguish. She wept aloud, and wrung her wasted hands in agony. +'Oh, I shall die! I shall die!' she cried; and she continued to repeat +this mournful cry, as if all the energies of her mind could furnish only +one frightful thought. In vain did I attempt to console her; in vain +endeavour to lead towards a better world the hope which was driven from +its rest below. To all sights and sounds she was already dead. At last +exhausted nature could struggle with its burden no more; and the cries +of despair, and the sobs of weakness, sunk by degrees into the moanings +of an unquiet slumber. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + + _A chieftain's daughter seemed the maid._ + * * * * * + _And seldom o'er a breast so fair + Mantled a plaid with modest care; + And never brooch the folds confined + Above a heart more good and kind._ + + Walter Scott. + + +In the morning, when I opened my eyes, Juliet was so peacefully still, +that I listened doubtfully for her breathing; and felt myself relieved +by the certainly that she was alive. I was astonished to find that she +was awake, though so composed; and was wondering at this unaccountable +change, when she suddenly asked me whether Dr ---- was reckoned a man of +any skill in his profession? 'for,' said she, 'he seemed to know nothing +at all of my disorder, except what he learnt from myself; so most likely +he mistakes it altogether.' Shocked to see her thus obstinately cling to +the broken reed, yet wanting courage to wrest it from her hold, I +entreated her to consider that it would not add to the justice of Dr +----'s fears, if she should act as though they were well founded; nor +shorten her life, if she should hasten to accomplish whatever she would +wish to perform ere its close. She was silent for a little; then, with a +deep sigh, 'You are right,' said she. 'Sit down, and I will dictate a +letter, which you shall write, to my brother.' + +I obeyed; and she began to dictate with wonderful precision a letter, in +which she detailed the opinion of her counsel; named the persons who +could evidence her claims; and dexterously appealed to the ruling +passion of Mr Arnold, by reminding him, that if he could establish the +legitimacy of his nephew, he must, in case of Lord Glendower's death, +become the natural guardian of a youth possessed of five-and-twenty +thousand pounds a year. Who could observe without a sigh, that, while +with a sort of instinctive tact she addressed herself to the faults of +others, she remained in melancholy blindness to her own; and that the +transient strength which the morning restored to her mind, could not +reach her more than childish improvidence in regard to her most +important concerns? But her powers were soon exhausted; before the +letter was finished, her thoughts wandered, and she lay for some hours +as if in a sort of waking dream. + +How little do they know of a death-bed who have seen it only in the +graceful pictures of fiction! How little do they guess the ghastly +horrors of sudden dissolution, the humiliating weakness of slow decay! +Paint them even from the life, and much remains to tell which no +spectator can record, much which no language can unfold. 'Oh, who that +could see thee thus,' thought I, as I looked upon the languid, +inexpressive countenance of the once playful Juliet,--'who that could +see thee thus, would defer to an hour like this, the hard task of +learning to die with decency?' + +I was sitting by the bed-side of my companion, supporting with one hand +her poor deserted baby, and making with the other an awkward attempt to +sketch designs for the ornaments which I had undertaken to paint, when +the door was gently opened; and the lady for whom I was employed +entered, followed by another, whose appearance instantly fixed my +attention. Her stature was majestic; her figure of exquisite proportion. +Her complexion, though brunette, was admirably transparent; and her +colour, though perhaps too florid for a sentimental eye, glowed with the +finest tints of health. Her black eyebrows, straight but flexible, +approached close to a pair of eyes so dark and sparkling, that their +colour was undistinguishable. No simile in oriental poetry could +exaggerate the regularity and whiteness of her teeth; nor painter's +dream of Euphrosyne exceed the arch vivacity of her smile. Perhaps a +critic might have said that her figure was too large, and too angular +for feminine beauty; that it was finely, but not delicately formed. Even +I could have wished the cheek-bones depressed, the contour somewhat +rounded, and the lines made more soft and flowing. But Charlotte Graham +had none of that ostentation of beauty which provokes the gazer to +criticise. + +Her face, though too handsome to be a common one, struck me at first +sight as one not foreign to my acquaintance. When her companion named +her, I recollected my friend Cecil; and there certainly was a family +likeness between these relations, although the latter was a short +square-built personage, with no great pretensions to beauty. The +expressions of the two countenances were more dissimilar than the +features. Cecil's was grave, penetrating, and, considering her age and +sex, severe; Miss Graham's was arch, frank, and animated. Yet there was +in the eye of both a keen sagacity, which seemed accustomed to look +beyond the words of the speaker to his motive. + +The deep mourning which Miss Graham wore accounted to me for the cast of +sorrow which often crossed a face formed by nature to far different +expression. Her manners had sufficient freedom to banish restraint, and +sufficient polish to make that freedom graceful; yet for me they +possessed an interesting originality. They were polite, but not +fashionable; they were courtly, but not artificial. They were perfectly +affable, and as free from arrogance as those of a doubting lover; yet in +her mien, in her gait, in every motion, in every word, Miss Graham +showed the unsubdued majesty of one who had never felt the presence of a +superior; of one much accustomed to grant, but not to solicit +indulgence. + +Such were the impressions which I had received, almost as soon as Miss +Graham's companion, with a polite apology for their intrusion, had +introduced her to me by name. I was able to make the necessary +compliment without any breach of sincerity; for feebler attractions +would have interested me in the person with whom Cecil had already made +me so well acquainted. But when Miss Graham spoke, her voice alone must +have won any hearer. + +'If Miss Percy excuses us,' said she in tones, which, in spite of the +lively imperative accents of her country, were sweetness itself, 'my +conscience will be quite at rest, for I am persuaded it is with her that +my business lies. No two persons could answer the description.' + +'You may remember,' said her companion, smiling at my surprised and +inquisitive look, 'I yesterday mentioned a friend who was in search of a +young lady of your name. We are now in hopes that her search ends in +you; and this must be our apology for a great many impertinent +questions.' + +'Oh no,' said Miss Graham, 'one will be sufficient. Suffer me only to +ask who were your parents.' + +I answered the question readily and distinctly. 'Then,' said Miss +Graham, with a smile, which at once made its passage to my heart, 'I +have the happiness to bring you a pleasant little surprise. My brother +has been so fortunate as to recover a debt due to Mr Percy. He has +transmitted it hither; and Sir William Forbes will honour your draft for +1500_l._' + +There are persons who will scarcely believe that I at first heard this +intelligence with little joy. 'Alas!' thought I, looking at poor Juliet, +'it has come too late.' But recollecting that I was not the less +indebted to the kindness of my benefactors, I turned to Miss Graham, and +offered, as I could, my warm acknowledgments. Miss Graham assured me, +with looks which evinced sincerity, that she was already more than +repaid for the service she had rendered me; and prevented further +thanks, by proceeding in her explanation. + +'My brother,' said she, 'traced you to the house of a Miss Mortimer and +from thence to Edinburgh; but here he lost you; and being himself at a +distance, he commissioned me to search for you. I received some +assistance from a very grateful _protegee_ of yours and mine, whom I +dare say you recollect by the name of Cecil Graham. She directed me to +the Boswells; but they pretended to know nothing of you: so I came to +town a few days ago, very much at a loss how to proceed, though +determined not to see Glen Eredine again till I found you.' + +'And is it possible,' exclaimed I, 'that I have indeed excited such +generous interest in strangers?' + +'Call me stranger, if you will,' said Miss Graham, 'provided you allow +that the name gives me a right to a kind reception. But do you include +my brother under that title? I am sure the description he has given of +you shows that he is, at least, well acquainted with your appearance.' + +'The dimple and the black eyelashes tally exactly,' said her companion. +'And I could swear to the smile,' returned Miss Graham. 'Nevertheless,' +said I, 'it is only from the praises of his admirer, Cecil, that I know +Mr Kenneth Graham, to whom I presume I am so much indebted.' + +The playful smile, the bright hues of health, vanished from Charlotte's +face; and her eyes filled with tears, 'No,' said she, 'it is not to----' +She paused, as if to utter the name had been an effort beyond her +fortitude. 'It is Mr Henry Graham,' said her companion, as if to spare +her the pain of explanation, 'who has been so fortunate as to do you +this service.' + +I know not exactly why, but my heart beat quicker at this intelligence. +I had listened so often to Cecil's prophecies, and omens, and good +wishes, that I believe I felt a foolish kind of consciousness at the +name of this Henry Graham, and the mention of my obligation to him. + +'Have you no recollection then of ever having met with Henry?' enquired +Miss Graham, recovering herself. + +I rubbed my forehead and did my very utmost; but was obliged to confess +that it was all in vain. The rich Miss Percy had been so accustomed to +crowds of attending beaux, that my eye might have been familiar with his +appearance, while his name was unknown to me. + +'Well,' said Miss Graham, 'I can vouch for the possibility of +remembering you for ever after a very transient interview; and when you +know Henry better, I dare say you will not forget him.' + +We now talked of our mutual acquaintance, Cecil; which led Miss Graham +to comment upon the peculiar manners of her countrymen, and upon the +contrast which they offered to those of the Lowland Scotch. Though her +conversation upon this, and other subjects, betrayed no marks of +extraordinary culture, it discovered a native sagacity, a quickness and +accuracy of observation, which I have seldom found surpassed. Her visit +was over before I guessed that it had lasted nearly two hours; and so +great were her attractions, so delightful seemed the long untasted +pleasures of equal and friendly converse, that I thought less of the +unexpected news which she had brought me, than of the hour which she +fixed for her return. + +My thoughts, indeed, no sooner turned towards my newly acquired riches, +than I perceived that they could not, with any shadow of justice, be +called mine; and that they in truth belonged to those who had suffered +by the misfortunes of my father. I therefore resolved to forget that the +money was within my reach; and to labour as I should have done, had no +kind friend intended my relief. Still this did not lessen my sense of +obligation; and gratitude enlivened the curiosity which often turned my +speculations towards Henry Graham. Once as I kept my solitary watch over +Juliet's heavy unrefreshing slumbers, I thought I recollected hearing +her, and some of our mutual acquaintance, descant upon the graces of an +Adonis, who, for one night, had shone the meteor of the fashionable +hemisphere, and then been seen no more. I had been present at his +appearance, but too much occupied with Lord Frederick to observe the +wonder. I afterwards endeavoured to make Juliet assist my recollection; +but her memory no longer served even for much more important affairs; +and all my efforts ended at last in retouching the pictures which I had +accustomed myself to embody of this same Henry Graham. I imaged him with +more than his sister's dignity of form and gesture,--with all her +regularity of feature, and somewhat of her national squareness of +contour;--with all the vivacity and intelligence of her countenance, +strengthened into masculine spirit and sagacity;--with the eye which +Cecil had described, as able to quell even the sallies of frenzy;--with +the smile which his sister could send direct to the heart. At +Charlotte's next visit, I obliged her to describe her brother; and I had +guessed so well, that she only improved my picture, by adding some +minuter strokes to the likeness. + +At the same time she removed all my scruples in regard to appropriating +the sum which he had obtained for me, by assuring me, that he had +undertaken the recovery of the debt only upon this express condition, +that half the amount should belong to me; and that to this condition the +creditors had readily consented. + +The possession of this little fortune soon became a real blessing; for +Juliet's increasing helplessness loaded my time with a burden which +almost precluded other labour. She was emaciated to a degree which made +stillness and motion alike painful to her; a restless desire of change +seemed the only human feeling which the hand of death had not already +palsied; and a childish sense of her dependence upon me was the sole +wreck of human affection which her decay had spared. Even the fear of +death subsided into the listless acquiescence of necessity. Yet no +nobler solicitudes seemed to replace the waning interests of this life. +Feeble as it was, her mind yet retained the inexplicable power to +exclude thoughts of overwhelming force. + +I had seen the inanity of her life; I had alas! shared in her mad +neglect of all the serious duties, of all the best hopes of man; and I +did not dare to see her die in this portentous lethargy of soul. At +every short revival of her strength, or transient clearness of her +intellect, I spoke to her of all which I most desired to impress upon +her mind. At first she answered me by tears and complainings, then by a +listless silence; nor did better success attend the efforts of persons +more skilled in rousing the sleeping conscience. The eloquence of friend +and pastor was alike unavailing to extort one tear of genuine penitence; +for the energy was wanting, without which a prophet might have smitten +the rock in vain. + +I must have been more or less than human, could my spirits have resisted +the influence of a scene so dreary as a death-chamber without hope; yet +when I saw my companion sinking to an untimely grave, closing a life +without honour in a death without consolation; when I remembered that we +had begun our career of folly together,--that, from equal wanderings, I +had alone been restored,--from equal shipwrecks, I had alone escaped,--I +felt that I had reason to mingle strong gratitude for what I was, with +deep humiliation for what I might have been! + +It was not that I became sensible of the treasure which I had found in +Charlotte Graham. Taught by experience, I had at first yielded with +caution to the attraction of her manners; and often (though in her +absence only I must own) remembered with a sigh how many other qualities +must conspire to fit the companion for the friend. But now, when she +daily forsook admiration, and gaiety, and elegance, to share with me the +cares of a sick-chamber, I daily felt the benefits of her piety, +discretion, and sweetness of temper; and a friendship began, which, I +trust, will outlast our lives. + +Although she had too much of the politeness of good feeling to hint an +expectation that I should forsake my unhappy charge, she constantly +spoke of my visiting Castle Eredine, as of a pleasure which she could +not bear to leave in uncertainty; and she detailed plans for our +employments, for our studies, for our excursions among her native hills, +with a minuteness which showed how much the subject occupied her mind. +All her plans bore a constant reference to Glen Eredine. They were +incapable of completion elsewhere. My lessons on the harp were to be +given under the rock of echoes,--in a certain cave she was to teach me +the songs of Selma,--we were to climb Benarde together,--from +Dorch'thalla we were to sketch the lake beyond, with all its mountain +shadows on its breast; while the rocks, which a nameless torrent had +severed from the cliff, and the roots which, with emblematic constancy, +had still clung to them in their fall, were to furnish fore-grounds +unequalled in the tameness of Lowland scenery. + +To all the objects round her native vale, Charlotte's imagination seemed +to lend a kind of vitality. She loved them as I should have loved an +animated being; and the more characteristic, or, as I should then have +expressed it, the more savage they were, the stronger seemed their hold +on her affection. I like a little innocent prejudice, so long as it does +not thwart my own. I verily believe, that Charlotte would have thought +Glen Eredine insulted by a comparison to the vale of Tempe. She often +spoke with enthusiastic respect of her father, whom she had left at +Castle Eredine; and with so much solicitude of the blank which her +absence would occasion to him, that I could not help wondering why she +delayed her return. She never mentioned any business that might detain +her; and amusement could not be her bribe, for her time was chiefly +spent in my melancholy dwelling. + +Our cheerless task, however, at length was closed. By a change scarcely +perceptible to us, Juliet passed from the lethargy of exhausted life to +deeper and more solemn repose. I felt the intermitting pulse,--I watched +the failing breath; yet so gradual and so complete was her decay, that I +knew not the moment of her departure. All suffering she was spared; for +suffering would, to human apprehension, have been useless to her. I did +not commit her remains to the cares of a stranger. The hand of a friend +composed her for her last repose; the tears of a friend dropped upon her +clay; but they were not the tears of sorrow. Poor Juliet! Less ingenuity +than that which led thee through a degraded life to an unlamented grave +would have procured for thee the best which this world has to give, an +unmolested passage to a better. + +Two days after her death, I received from her brother a promise of +protection to the heir of Lord Glendower, and permission, in case of +that event, to send the boy to his uncle, together with the pledges of +legitimacy, which constituted his sole hold upon the justice or +compassion of Mr Arnold. Fortunately for the poor infant, the question +upon which depended the tender cares of his uncle was decided in his +favour. Juliet's marriage was sanctioned; and though her death left Lord +Glendower at liberty to repair, in some sort, the injury which he had +done to Lady Maria, the rights of his first-born son could not be +transferred to the children of his more regular marriage. + +When my cares were no longer necessary to my ill-fated companion, I +yielded to the kind persuasions of Miss Graham; and suffered her to +introduce me to whatever was most worthy of observation in a city which +I had as yet so imperfectly seen. Our mornings were generally spent in +examining the town or its environs; our evenings in a kind of society +which I had till now known only in detached specimens; a society in +which there was every thing to delight, though nothing to +astonish,--much good manners, and therefore little singularity,--general +information, and therefore little pedantry,--much good taste, and +therefore little notoriety. I could no longer complain that the ladies +were inaccessible. Introduced by Miss Graham, I was every where received +with more than courtesy; and I, who a few weeks before could scarcely +obtain permission to earn a humble subsistence, was now overwhelmed with +a hospitality which scarcely left me the command of an hour. + +And now I was again assailed by the temptation which had formerly +triumphed unresisted. There is no place on earth where beauty is more +surely made dangerous to its possessor; and Charlotte and I could +scarcely have attracted more attention, had we appeared mounted upon +elephants. But I had lost my taste for admiration. I disliked the +constant watchfulness which it imposed upon me; and its pleasures poorly +compensated the pain of upbraiding myself the next moment with my folly +in being so pleased. As to open compliment, it cost me an effort to +answer it with good humour. 'The man suspects that I am vain,' thought +I, as often as I was so addressed; and the suspicion was too near truth +to be forgiven. The only real satisfaction which I derived from the +preposterous homage paid to me, arose from the new light in which it +displayed the generous nature of Charlotte Graham. Yes; trifles serve to +display a great mind; and there was true generosity in the graceful +willingness with which Charlotte, at a time of life when the +precariousness of attentions begin to give them value, withdrew from +competition with a rival inferior to her in every charm which is not +affected by seven years difference of age. + +Upon the whole, nothing could be more agreeably amusing, than my +residence in Edinburgh; and the contrast of my late confinement +heightened pleasure to delight. From the time of Lady Glendower's death, +it had been settled that I was to accompany Charlotte to Glen Eredine; +but I must own that I felt no inclination to hasten our departure. +Without once uttering a word, which could place the delay to my account, +Miss Graham deferred our departure from day to day. Yet some involuntary +look or expression constantly betrayed to me, that her heart was in Glen +Eredine. + +'Ah, that very sun is setting behind Benarde!' said she with a sigh, one +evening when, from a promenade such as no other city can present, we +were contemplating a gorgeous sunset. + +'One would imagine by that sigh, Charlotte,' said I smiling, 'that you +and some dear friend not far from Benarde had made an appointment to +watch the setting sun together.' + +'There's a flight!' cried she laughing. 'No am I sure, that such a fancy +would never have entered your mind, if you had not been in love. Come; +look me in the face, and let me catechise you.' + +'Not guilty, upon my honour.' + +'Humph! This does look very like a face of innocence, I confess. But +stay till you know Henry. Let me see how you will stand examination +then.' + +'Just as I do now, I promise you. I ought to have been in love long ago, +if the thing had been possible.' + +'Ought? Pray what might impose the duty upon you?' + +'The regard of one of the best and wisest of mankind, Charlotte. It was +once my fate to draw the attention of your countryman,--the generous, +the eloquent Mr Maitland.' + +I saw Miss Graham start; but she remained silent. 'You must have heard +of him?' continued I; but at that moment, casting my eyes upon +Charlotte, I saw her blush painfully. 'You know him then,' said I. + +'Yes I--I do,' answered she hesitatingly; and walked on, in a profound +reverie. + +A long silence followed; for Charlotte's blushes and abstraction had +told me a tale in which I could not be uninterested. I perceived that +her acquaintance with Maitland, however slight, had been sufficient to +fix her affections on a spirit so congenial to her own. 'Well, well,' +thought I, 'they will meet one day or other; and he will find out that +she likes him, and the discovery will cost him trouble enough to make it +worth something. She will devote herself willingly to love and solitude, +which is just what he wishes, and I dare say they will be very happy. +Men can be happy with any body. And yet Maitland hates beauties; and +Miss Graham certainly is a beauty.' However, when I threw a glance upon +Charlotte, I thought I had never seen her look so little handsome; for +it must be confessed that the lover must be more than indifferent, whom +his old mistress can willingly resign to a new one. + +I soon, however, began to reproach myself with the uneasiness to which I +was subjecting the generous friend to whom I owed such varied forms of +kindness. But the difficulty was, how I should return to the subject +which we had quitted; for, in spite of the frankness of Charlotte's +manners, my freedom with her had limits which were impassable. When she +had once indicated the point upon which she would not be touched, I +dared not even to approach it. The silence, therefore, continued till +she interrupted it by saying, 'You are offended with me, Ellen, and you +have reason to be so; for I put a question which no friend has a right +to ask.' + +'Dear Charlotte,' returned I, 'surely you have a right to expect from me +any confidence that you will accept; and I shall most readily----' + +'No,' interrupted Miss Graham, 'such questions as mine ought neither to +be asked nor answered. If an attachment is fortunate, it is to be +supposed that the event will soon publish it; if not, the confession is +a degradation to which no human being has a right to subject another.' + +'Well,' thought I, 'this is very intelligible, and I shall take care not +to trespass. But I will not keep thy generous heart in pain. Cost what +it will, thou shalt know that thou hast nothing to fear from me.' It was +more easy to resolve than to execute; and I felt my cheek glow with +blushes, more, I fear, of pride than modesty, while I struggled to +relieve the anxiety of my friend. 'Nay, Charlotte,' said I, 'you must +listen to a confession, which is humbling enough, though not exactly of +the kind you allude to. I must do Mr Maitland the justice to say, that +he never put it in my power to reject him. He saw that I was no fit wife +for him; and, at the very moment of confessing his weakness, he +renounced it for ever. Do not look incredulous. It is not a pretty face, +nor even the noble fortune I then expected, that could bribe Maitland to +marry a heartless, unprincipled ----. Thanks be to Heaven that I am +changed--greatly changed. But I assure you, Charlotte, I have not now +the slightest reason to believe myself any bar to your--to Mr Maitland's +happiness with some--some--with somebody who has not my unlucky +incapacity for being in love.' + +To this confession, Miss Graham answered only by affectionately pressing +my hand; and then escaped from the subject, by turning from me to speak +to a passing acquaintance. From that time Charlotte, though in other +points perfectly confiding, spoke no more of Maitland; and I must own, +that my respect for her was increased by her reserve upon a topic +prohibited alike by delicacy and discretion. We had indeed no need of +boarding-school confidences to enliven our intercourse. Each eager for +improvement and for information, we had been so differently educated, +that each had much to communicate and to learn. Our views of common +subjects were different enough to keep conversation from stagnating; +while our accordance upon more important points formed a lasting bond +of union. Whoever understands the delights of a kitten and a cork, may +imagine that I was at times no bad companion: and Charlotte was +peculiarly fitted for a friend; for she had sound principles, +unconquerable sweetness of temper, sleepless discretion, and a +politeness which followed her into the homeliest scenes of domestic +privacy. + +How often, as her character unfolded itself, did I wonder what strange +fatality had forbidden Maitland to return the affection of a woman so +formed to satisfy his fastidious judgment. But I was forced to wonder in +silence. Charlotte, open as day on every other theme, was here as +impenetrable, as unapproachable, as virgin dignity could make her. +Notwithstanding the recency of our friendship, it was already strong +enough to render every other interest mutual; and Charlotte easily drew +from me the little story of my life and sentiments, while I listened +with insatiable curiosity, to the accounts she gave me of her home, of +her family, and, above all, of her brother Henry. + +This was a theme in which she seemed very willing to indulge me. She +spoke of him frequently; and the passages which she read to me from his +letters often made me remember with a sigh that I had no brother. He +seemed to address her as a friend, as an equal; and yet with the +tenderness which difference of sex imposes upon a man of right feeling. +She was his almoner. Through her he transmitted many a humble comfort to +his native valley; and though he had been so many years an alien, he was +astonishingly minute and skilful in the direction of his benevolence. He +appeared to be acquainted with the character and situation of an +incredible number of his clansmen; and the interest and authority with +which he wrote of them seemed little less than patriarchal. Though I +must own that his commands were not always consonant to English ideas of +liberty, they seemed uniformly dictated by the spirit of disinterested +justice and humanity; and Graham, in exercising almost the control of an +absolute prince, was guided by the feelings of a father. + +Though Glen Eredine seemed the passion of his soul,--though every letter +was full of the concerns of his clansmen,--there was nothing theatrical +in his plans for their interest or improvement. They were minute and +practicable, rather than magnificent. No whole communities were to be +hurried into civilisation, nor districts depopulated by way of +improvement; but some encouragement was to be given to the schoolmaster; +Bibles were to be distributed to his best scholars; or Henry would +account to his father for the rent of a tenant, who, with his own hands, +had reclaimed a field from rock and broom; or, at his expense, the new +cottages were to be plastered, and furnished with doors and sashed +windows. The execution of these humble plans was, for the present, +committed to Charlotte; and the details which she gave me concerning +them described a mode of life so oddly compounded of refinement and +simplicity, that curiosity somewhat balanced my regret in leaving +Edinburgh. + +On a fine morning in September we began our journey; and though I was +accompanied by all on earth I had to love, and though I was leaving what +had been to me the scene of severe suffering, I could not help looking +back with watery eyes upon a place which perhaps no traveller, uncertain +of return, ever quitted without a sigh. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + + _----Every good his native wilds impart + Imprints the patriot passion on his heart; + And even those hills that round his mansion rise + Enhance the bliss his scanty fund supplies. + Dear is that shed to which his soul conforms; + And dear that hill which lifts him to the storms. + And as a babe, when scaring sounds molest, + Clings close and closer to the mother's breast, + So the loud torrent, and the whirlwind's roar, + But bind him to his native mountains more._ + + Goldsmith. + + +During our first day's journey, the road lay through a country so rich +and so level, that but for the deep indenting of the horizon, I could +have fancied myself in England. 'That would be thought a fine park even +in my country,' said I, as we were passing a princely place. 'Ah, stay +till you see the parks of Eredine!' said Charlotte.[20] It is not to be +told what superb conceptions I formed of these same parks of Eredine; +for my companion did not enter on the description. I thought Blenheim +was to be a paddock compared with them! + +Towards evening, the mountains which had once seemed as soft in the +distance as the clouds which rested on them, began to be marked by the +grey lights on the rock, and the deep shadows of the ravine. The morning +brought a complete change of scene. Corn fields and massive foliage had +given place to dull heath, varied only by streaks of verdure, which +betrayed a sheep-track or the path of a nameless rill; while here and +there, a solitary birch 'shivered in silvery brightness.' The hill, +climbed long and painfully, rewarded us with no change of prospect; and +the short descent was immediately succeeded by a more tedious climb. + +At last, in a narrow valley, which by contrast looked rich and inviting, +we beheld traces of human habitation; and the change of garb, of +countenance, and of accommodation, announced that we were now, as +Charlotte said, in her 'unconquered country.'--'The Roman,' said she, +'when he had bowed "the sons of little men" to the dust, was forced to +shrink behind his ramparts from the valour of _our_ fathers.' + +I own that I was somewhat confused between my own perceptions and the +enthusiasm of my companion. Her eyes flashing through tears of joy, she +shook me triumphantly by the hand. 'You are welcome to the Highlands!' +cried she; 'to the land where never friend found a traitor, nor enemy a +coward!' + +In spite of this burst of _amor partiae_, we were still almost a day's +journey from Charlotte's native place. The mountains had become more +precipitous, and the valleys more clothed, when my companion pointed out +the spot where we were to dine; and intimated, that we must there +exchange our carriage for a mode of conveyance better suited to the way +which lay before us. + +The exterior of our inn was certainly none of the most inviting. The +walls, composed of turf and loose stones, were too low to prevent me +from plucking the hare-bells which grew on the top of them; and the +thatch, varied with every hue of moss and lichen, was more to be admired +for picturesque effect, than for any more useful quality of a roof. The +chimney-crag seemed composed of the wreck of what had once been a tub; +the hoops of which, having yielded to the influence of time and the +seasons, were rather imperfectly supplied by bands of twisted heath. The +hut was, however, distinguished from its fellow hovels, by a sashed +window on one side of the door, a most incondite picture of a bottle and +glass on the other, and a stone lintel, bearing, in characters of no +modern shape, the following inscription:-- + + 16..W.M.T. Pilgrims we be ilk ane, M.M.B...07. + That passen and are gane; + Then here sall pilgrim be + Welcom'd wi' courtesie. + +Before we could draw up to the door of this superb hotel[21], it poured +forth a swarm of children, more numerous than I could have thought it +possible for such a place to contain. I was prepared to expect the +savage nakedness of legs and feet, which was universal among these +little barbarians. For the rest, their attire was rather ludicrous than +mean. The boys, even though still in their infancy, were helmed in the +martial bonnet of their countrymen; and their short tartan petticoats +were appended to a certain scarlet or blue _juste au corps_, laced up +the back, as if to prevent these children of nature from asserting a +primeval contempt of clothing. With the girls, however, this point +seemed intrusted to feminine sense of propriety; for their upper garment +consisted either of a loose jacket, or a square piece of woollen cloth +thrown round the shoulders, and fastened under the chin only by a huge +brass pin, or a wooden skewer. The absurdity of their appearance was +heightened by the premature gravity of their countenances; which were +more like the grim-visaged babes in an old family picture, than the +animation of youthful life. In profound silence they stood courtesying +as we passed; while the boys remained cap in hand till we entered the +hut. + +It consisted of two apartments; one of which I dimly discerned through +the smoke to be occupied by a group of peasants, collected round some +embers which lay in the middle of the floor. Into the other, which was +the state-chamber, Miss Graham and I made our way. It appeared to have +been hastily cleared for our reception; for the earthen floor, as well +as an oaken table, which stood in the middle of it, was covered with +_debris_ of cheese, oat-cakes, and raw onions, intermixed with slops of +whisky. The good woman, however, who was doing the honours, rectified +the disorder seemingly to her own satisfaction, by taking up the corner +of her apron, and sweeping the rubbish from the table to the floor. +Meanwhile she entered into a conversation with Miss Graham, in which +every possible question was directly or indirectly asked, except the +only one which on such occasions I was accustomed to hear, namely, what +we chose to have for dinner. But as it proved, this question would have +been the most unnecessary of all; for, upon enquiry, we learnt that our +choice was limited to a fowl, or, as the landlady termed it, 'a hen.' + +While this point was settling, the head waiter and chamber-maid appeared +in the person of a square built wench, naked up to the middle of a +scarlet leg, and without any head-dress except a bandeau of blue worsted +tape. Having tossed a lapfull of brushwood into the chimney (for the +state-chamber had a chimney), she next brought, upon a piece of slate, +some embers which she added to the heap; then squatting herself upon the +hearth, she took hold of her petticoat with both hands at the hem, +tightening it by her elbows; and moving her arms quickly up and down, +she soon fanned the fire into a blaze. + +Next came our landlord in the full garb of his country; and great was my +astonishment to see him hold out his hand to Miss Graham as to a +familiar acquaintance. Nor was my surprise at all lessened, when he +coolly took his seat between us, and began to favour us with his +opinions upon continental politics. Provoked by this impertinence, and +by the courtesy with which Miss Graham received it, I interrupted his +remarks, by desiring he would get me a glass of water. Without moving +from his position, he communicated my demand to the maid; and went on +with his conversation. I took the first opportunity of reproving +Charlotte's tame endurance of all this. 'What would you have had me do?' +said she: 'he is a discreet, sensible man, and a gentleman.' + +'A gentleman!' repeated I. + +'Yes,' returned Charlotte, 'I assure you he is my father's third cousin; +and can count kindred, besides, with the best in Perthshire.' + +It was plain that Miss Graham and I affixed somewhat different ideas to +the word 'gentleman;' however, upon the claims of his ancestors, I was +obliged to admit this _gentleman_ to our dinner-table; when, after a +violent commotion among the poultry had announced mortal preparation for +our repast, it at last appeared. Our unhappy 'hen,' whose dying limbs no +civilised hand had composed, was reinforced by a dish of salmon (large +enough to satisfy ten dragoons), which Miss Graham with some difficulty, +persuaded the landlady that the stranger might condescend to taste. + +Towards the close of our meal, our attendant pushed aside the panel of a +large wooden bed, which occupied one side of our apartment; and, from a +shelf within, produced a large cheese, and an earthen pitcher full of +butter, which she placed upon the table. Then, from the coverlet, where +they had been arranged to cool, she brought us a large supply of +oat-cakes. I fear I was not polite enough to suppress some natural signs +of loathing; for the girl, with the quick observation of her countrymen, +instantly apologised for the cause of my disgust. 'It is just for sake +of keeping them clean, with your leave,' said she; 'there's so many +soot-drops fall through this house.' In spite of this apology, however, +I was so thoroughly disgusted, that I heard with great joy the trampling +of our horses at the door; and immediately ran out to survey the +cavalcade which had been despatched from Castle Eredine for our +accommodation. + +It consisted of three horses of very diminutive size; two of which were +intended to carry Miss Graham and myself, and the third to transport our +baggage. This last was caparisoned somewhat like a gipsy's ass, with two +panniers slung across his back by means of a rope that seemed composed +of his own hair. Into one of these panniers the _gille trushannich_[22] +pushed Miss Graham's portmanteau; and finding that mine was too light to +balance it on the other side, he added a few turfs to make up the +difference. Besides this domestic, we were each provided with a sort of +running footman[23], whose office it was to keep pace with our horses +and to lead them at any difficult or dangerous step; and our equipage +was completed by six or seven sturdy Highlanders, who, in mere courtesy +to their chieftain's daughter, had walked fifteen or twenty miles to +escort her home. + +Thus guarded, we set out; our attendants, seemingly without effort, +keeping pace with the horses. With all of them Miss Graham occasionally +conversed in their native tongue; and I could perceive that they +answered her with perfect readiness and self-possession; but none of +them ever accosted her until he was addressed, nor could she prevail +with any of them to wear his bonnet while she spoke. + +Henry's name was so often repeated by them all, that I felt no small +curiosity to learn more minutely the subject of their conversation. But +though I had resumed my Gaelic studies under Charlotte's tuition, I was +not yet sufficiently initiated to follow the utterance of a native; and +my friend had already begun to smile so slily at my questions concerning +her brother, that the very circumstance which awakened my curiosity made +me half afraid to gratify it. At last, looking as unconscious as I +could, I asked Charlotte on what subject her servant was speaking with +such ardour. 'My _friend_ Kenneth,' answered she emphatically, 'is +reminding me of an expedition of Henry's to extricate his nurse's sheep +from the snow. But talk to him yourself; he speaks English.--Kenneth, +poor Miss Percy cannot speak Gaelic; so tell her that story in English. +I know you like to speak a good word for your friend Henry.'--'If he +were here,' said Kenneth, making a gesture of courtesy, which did not +absolutely amount to a bow, 'he would need nobody to speak a good word +for him to a pretty lady.' He then related very minutely how Henry and +he had climbed the rocky side of Benarde; and, from a crag midway in the +precipice, had rescued the whole wealth of a Highland cottager. + +'And do you in the Highlands think nothing of risking your lives for a +few sheep?' said I. + +'Do you not think, lady,' said Kenneth, 'that I had a good right to risk +my life for my own mother's beasts? And you know the young gentleman was +not to be forbidden by the like of me. His life! I would not have +ventured a hair of his head for all the sheep in Argyll.' Then speaking +to my special attendant, he uttered, with great emphasis, a Gaelic +phrase, which obliged him to translate, signifying, that 'a man's friend +may be dear, but his foster-brother is a piece of his heart.' + +'My mother,' continued Kenneth, 'would have lost the _best-beloved lamb +of her fold_, if Mr Henry had not followed me that day; for the frost +had seized me; and I would have laid me down to sleep for a far-off +waking; but Mr Henry drew me, and carried me, and I do not know what he +made of me, but the first sound I heard was my mother crying, "Och chone +a rie, mo cuillean ghaolach." Blessings on his face for her sake! for +had it not been for him, she would have had none but a fremd hand to lay +the sod on her.' Kenneth had obeyed his lady's command; and he now +modestly fell back, as if disclaiming further right to attention. + +'Surely Charlotte,' cried I, 'you are the happiest sister in the world. +How deep, how indelible, are the attachments which your brother seems to +awaken! Though he has been so long a stranger among them, these people +are absolutely enthusiastic in his praise. It is strange! I never saw +any thing like affection in servants, except in a novel.' + +Charlotte looked at me with an aspect of amazement; but she was too +polite either to charge me with the true cause of my ill fortune, or to +acquit me at the expense of my countrymen. 'Henry will not let his +friends here forget him,' said she; 'for, however engaged, he never +forgets them. He sends them advice, encouragement, reproof, and whatever +else they most need. Poor Henry! I remember a letter which he wrote to +acquaint me with one of the severest disappointments of his life--a +letter written in the midst of toil and bustle. It contained an order +for comfortable bedding for his bed-ridden nurse.' + +'But how could your brother,--how could your parents allow a mere +prejudice to banish him from such strong attachments? Surely he could +have felt no self-reproach for giving evidence against a common thief, a +miscreant who attempted his life!' + +'I don't know,' said Charlotte, doubtingly. 'Neil Roy was a well-born +gentleman; and in many respects a very honest man. Besides, where the +punishment is so unjustly disproportioned to the offence, it is not very +pleasant to be concerned in inflicting it. However, it was not that +affair alone which first drove my brother from home. Cecil was partly +right, and partly wrong, in the account she gave you. My mother, you +know, was a stranger; and though she was one of the best and most +respectable of women, yet it was natural that she should retain some of +the prejudices of her country. My father intended settling Henry in a +farm, or educating him for the church; but my mother, I believe, would +have thought either little less than burying him alive. However, she +must have submitted to necessity if the affair of Neil Roy had not +assisted her in persuading my father to send Henry away. Her health, +too, was so fast declining, that my father could refuse her nothing. So +poor Henry was made a peace-offering to my mother's relations, who would +never have any connection with her after her marriage with a Highland +rebel--as they were pleased to call the best born and the most loyal in +the land! Oh, Ellen! it sometimes goes to my heart to think he should +owe so much as a shoe-latchet to those who dared to look down upon his +father. But whatever may happen, Henry can never regret having obeyed a +parent.' + +This little narrative was given with as much freedom as if Charlotte and +I had been alone, for our attendants no sooner observed us inclined to +talk apart, than they retreated to such a distance as left us at perfect +liberty. At last, however, they advanced, and the two _gillen comsrian_ +took our horses by the bridles, while the rest began to clear away the +loose stones from the tract which was leading us round the brow of an +abrupt mountain. My eyes were involuntarily fixed upon a dell which had +no interest except what it gained from the certainty that a single false +step would bring me a hundred fathoms nearer to it. The golden clouds +that linger after sunset were still throwing strong light upon our path, +while the dell lay in deep shade. I was so new to Highland travelling, +that, in some alarm, I was consulting my attendant upon the expediency +of dismounting, when my attention was diverted by Charlotte. 'Benarde!' +cried she, with such a voice as, had my mother been on earth, I could +have cried, 'My mother!' I looked up; and saw between me and the glowing +west only a naked crag, towering above the vapour which was floating in +the vale. + +Presently our path wound round the brow of the mountain which we were +descending; and, gorgeous in all the tints of autumn, harmonised by the +sober shades of evening, Eredine burst on our sight. Charlotte uttered +not a sound. She uncovered her head as if she had entered a temple; and +raised her eyes as if in thanksgiving which words could not speak. + +I myself was little more inclined to break the silence imposed by the +scene. Far below our feet lay a lake, motionless, as if never breeze had +ruffled its calm. All there was still as the yet unpeopled earth, except +the gliding shadow of a solitary eagle sailing down the vale. A faint +flush still tinged the silver towards the east; to the west, the huge +Benarde threw upon the waters his own sober majesty of hue. But where +the shade would have been the deepest, it was softened by the long lines +of grey light that imaged the walls of Castle Eredine. Beyond, in a +sheltered valley, the evening smokes floating among the copse-wood +alone betrayed the hamlets, concealed by their own unobtrusive chastity +of colouring. + +We continued to descend; and the woods gradually closed the scene from +our view. First, the birch drooped here and there its light sprays from +the crag; then gigantic roots of oak, grappling with the rock, sent +forth their dwarf stems in unprofitable abundance; lower, the vigorous +beech and massy plane threw their strong shadows, and, by degrees, +arranged themselves into a noble avenue. Yet this approach did not +peculiarly belong to Castle Eredine; it led equally to many a more +humble abode. Several of these were scattered by the way-side; and each, +as we passed, poured forth a swarm to welcome Charlotte's return. Every +eye shone with pleasure; yet all was calm and silence. No shouting, no +tumult; none of the sounds which, in my native country, announce vulgar +gladness, disturbed the quiet of the scene. The very children hung down +their smiling sun-burnt faces, and waited with sidelong looks for the +expected notice. + +Issuing from the wood, the path now become a well beaten road, led us +through a few small half-enclosed fields of corn and pasture, to a sort +of natural bridge, or rather isthmus; the only access to the rock upon +which Castle Eredine projected into the lake. I must own, that its lofty +title, and Cecil's romantic tales of its ancient possessors, had +ill-prepared me for the edifice which I now beheld. A square tower, with +its narrow arched doorway, was the only trace which remained of warlike +array; and a range of more modern building, with its steep roof, into +which the walls rose in awkward triangles, and its clumsy windows, +through which cross lights streamed from behind, gave me no exalted idea +of the accommodations of Castle Eredine. It seemed, however, that others +found no want of space within its walls; for at least thirty persons, of +different ranks and ages, came forth to receive us. + +The foremost of these must have attracted my attention and respect, even +though Charlotte's gesture and joyful exclamation had not announced her +father. Age had not impaired the firmness of his step, nor the erect +majesty of a figure Herculean in all its proportions. His eye retained +its fire; his cheek its ruddy brown; the snowy locks which waved from +beneath his bonnet alone betokened that he had already passed the common +age of man. The plumes by which these locks were shaded chiefly +distinguished his attire; for the rest of his dress was entirely +composed of the scarlet and blue tartan of his clan. Saluting me first +on one cheek, and then on the other, he welcomed me to Eredine, with +little more ceremony, and little less kindness than he received his own +Charlotte; then giving an arm to each, he led us into the sitting-room. + +It was a large apartment, panelled all round. Each panel seemed to open +into either a cupboard or a closet,--the walls being thick enough to +admit of either; while each side was a little enlivened by a row of +windows sunk in recesses, every one of which might have contained a +dozen persons. But the gloom of this apartment was completely dispelled +by the blazing of a wood fire, proportioned in size to what more +resembled an alcove than a chimney, and by the cordial looks and kind +attentions which every one seemed disposed to exchange. + +So little restraint did my presence occasion,--so easily and naturally +did Eredine, Charlotte, and even the servants, admit me to the +interchange of cordial courtesy, which seemed the established habit of +the family, that, before our substantial supper was ended, I had almost +forgotten that I was a stranger. Indeed, so well did they all understand +and practise the delicacies of hospitality, that, in less than a week, I +was as much at home as if I had been born in Glen Eredine. + +In the spirit with which she constantly sought to impress me with +feelings of equality and sisterhood, Charlotte offered to share her +apartment with me, on pretence of its being the most modern in the +Castle. + +'Since I have dragged you to the land of ghosts,' said she, 'I am bound +in honour to protect you as well as I can; and Henry has so modernised +my room, that no true Highland ghost would condescend to show his face +in it.' + +This room was indeed furnished very differently from the rest, yet still +so that nothing incongruous struck the eye. Many of the elegant +conveniences of modern life found a place there; book-shelves, +drawing-cases, cabinets, all that can be imagined necessary to the light +employments of a gentlewoman, were supplied in abundance; but all were +of such substantial form and materials, that they seemed no intruders +among the more venerable heir-looms of Castle Eredine. A closet, opening +from our bedchamber, and stored with a small but select collection of +books, was appropriated solely to me. + +When we had retired for the night, Charlotte, after a thoughtful +silence, laid her arm on my shoulder, and said, 'Ellen, there is a +caution I would give you; I should rather say a favour which I am going +to ask.' + +'A favour, dearest Charlotte! I thought it had been decreed that all the +favours were to come from one side! Well! how can you hesitate so?' + +'There is a gentleman whom you once mentioned to me, a--a mutual +acquaintance.' + +Charlotte's complexion explained her meaning. 'Mr Maitland?' said I. + +'Oblige me so far, my dear Ellen, as never to mention his name to my +father.' + +'Certainly, since you desire it, I promise you that I never will. I am +persuaded that the reasons must be strong and well weighed which induce +you to use caution with a parent.' + +'Yes, they are strong,' said Charlotte, thoughtfully; 'And one day +perhaps you may be satisfied that they are so. It grieves me, my dear +Ellen, to have even the appearance of a secret with you, but I am +satisfied that I am acting as I ought--that the happiness of--of my +life--that even your happiness----' + +'Stop, dear Charlotte!' interrupted I:--'believe me I have no wish to +listen to any subject which can give you pain. Continue to do what you +think right. Only let me once more assure you, that I have no interest +whatever in Mr Maitland, except as in the best of men,--the most +disinterested of friends,--a friend whose kindness withstood all my +unworthiness. Oh Charlotte, if Mr Graham knew him as I do, he would let +no prejudice of birth, or of country, deprive his daughter of +happiness,--the honour----' + +I was obliged to stop; for I had talked myself into a fit of enthusiasm, +and tears filled my eyes. A pleased smile played round Charlotte's +beautiful mouth; but she turned away without reply, as if unwilling to +cherish a hope which might prove fallacious. + +I had some curiosity to know whether the only obstacle to her wishes lay +with her father; but I was deterred from asking questions, by +recollecting her language on a former occasion. Besides, I was afraid +that she might fancy I felt some interest in the disposal of Maitland's +affections. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 20: 'Near adjoining are the parks; that is, one large tract of +ground, surrounded with a low wall of loose stones, and divided into +several pans by partitions of the same. The surface of the ground is all +over heath, or, as they call it, _heather_, without any trees; but some +of it has lately been sown with a seed of firs, which are now grown +about a foot and a half high, but are hardly to be seen for the heath. + +'An English captain, the afternoon of the day following his arrival +here, desired me to ride out with him and show him the parks of +Culloden, without telling me the reason of his curiosity. Accordingly we +set out; and when we were pretty near the place, he asked me; "Where are +these parks? for," says he, "there is nothing near in view but heath, +and at a distance rocks and mountains." I pointed to the enclosures; +and, being a little way before him, heard him cursing in soliloquy; +which occasioned my making a halt, and asking if any thing displeased +him? Then he told me, that, at a coffee-house in London, he was one day +commending the park of Studley in Yorkshire, and those of several +gentlemen in other parts of England, when a Scots Captain who was by, +cried out, "Ah, sir, but if you were to see the parks of Culloden in +Scotland!"'--_Letters from a Gentleman in the North of Scotland to his +Friend in London_, vol. i, p. 297.] + +[Footnote 21: Whoever recollects the inns at C----i----gh and +B----rr----le, and no doubt many others, as they stood two-and-twenty +years ago, will be at no loss for the prototypes of Miss Percy's house +of entertainment. Later travellers in the Highlands may not find her +description agree with their experience. The 'land of the mountain and +the flood' has of late been the fashionable resort of the lovers of the +picturesque, and of grouse-shooting; the refuge of those who wish to +skulk or to economise; of fine gentlemen and fine ladies, who find the +world not quite bad enough for them. The accommodations for travellers +are of course improved. It were devoutly to be wished that this had been +the only change effected by such visitants.] + +[Footnote 22: A packer.] + +[Footnote 23: Gille cumsrian.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + + _Hail awful scenes that calm the troubled breast, + And woo the weary to profound repose; + Can passion's wildest uproar lay to rest, + And whisper comfort to the man of woes! + Here Innocence may wander safe from foes, + And Contemplation soar on seraph wings._ + + Beattie. + + +'No wonder that my countryman has celebrated the merits of a Scotch +breakfast,' said I, upon seeing the splendour and abundance of the +morning repast at Castle Eredine. The linen and china were exquisitely +delicate; and the table, though loaded with a plenty approaching to +profusion, was arranged with perfect order and neatness. Eredine, for so +I found it was the custom to call Mr Graham, having placed me in a +sturdy, square-built, elbow-chair, with a back lofty and solid enough to +serve every purpose of a screen, began to heap before me all the variety +of food within his reach. In vain did I remonstrate. The ceremonial of +hospitality required that I should be urged even unto loathing. When I +turned to supplicate my host for quarter, and hoped that he was inclined +to relent, an old lady, who sat by me on the other side, assailed me in +the unguarded moment with a new charge of ham and marmalade. + +'Ah! if he had seen the breakfasts in my young days!' said Eredine, in +answer to my comment. 'A Glen Eredine breakfast was something +substantial then. It was not children's food that bred the fellows who +fought at Prestonpans.' + +'What could you possibly have, sir, that is wanting here?' + +The chieftain smiled compassionately upon me, as on a representative of +the sons of little men. 'Why, strong venison soup,' said he, 'and potted +ptarmigans; or, if we were a hunting, a roasted salmon:--hunters are not +nice, you know.' + +As soon as we rose from table, Charlotte went to resume her office of +housekeeper, which had, in her absence, been most zealously filled by +one of her innumerable cousins. To associate me in this employment was +one of the friendly arts by which Charlotte contrived to domesticate me +at Eredine; and household affairs furnished some little occupation for +us both, although the establishment at the Castle was then smaller than +it had ever been from time immemorial. + +Feudal habits were extinct; and the days were long since gone, when +bands of kinsmen, united in one great family, repaid hospitality and +protection with more than filial veneration and love. Eredine had +outlived three elder sisters, who for the greater part of a century had +resided under the roof where they were born; and two younger brothers, +who, after expiating, by thirty years of exile, their adherence to their +hereditary sovereign, had returned to lay their ashes with those of +their fathers. His eldest son had, a few months before, fallen a +sacrifice to a West Indian climate; his second was banished from home by +circumstances which I have already mentioned. The family, therefore, +consisted of Eredine, his daughter, and myself; four men and seven women +servants; Charlotte's nurse; a blind woman, who, being fit for nothing +else, was stocking-knitter-general to the family, and served, moreover, +as a humble substitute for the bard of other times; two little girls, +one humpbacked, the other sickly; and three boys, two of whom were +maintained because they were orphans, and the third because his +grandmother had been the laird's favourite, some sixty years before; +and, finally, Roban Gorach, Cecil's deserted lover; who, as the humour +served, tended Henry's old white pony, or wandered to all the sacraments +administered within sixty miles round, or sat by his torn oak from morn +to night unquestioned. + +But these were by no means the only persons who daily shared in the good +cheer of Castle Eredine. Besides several superannuated people of both +sexes, who, for this very purpose, had been provided with cottages +adjacent to the castle, we had stable-boys, and errand-boys, and +cow-herds, and goose-herds; beggars and travellers by dozens; besides +maintaining, for the day, every tradesman who executed the most trivial +order for the family without doors or within. How was I surprised to +learn, that this establishment was supported by an estate of little +more than a thousand pounds a year! + +This family party was, for the present, reinforced by visiters of all +ranks, who came to congratulate Charlotte's return. Among the earliest +of these was my old friend Cecil, who recognized me with tears of joy. +Recovering herself, she began to applaud her own skill in prophecy. 'I +told you,' cried she, 'that ye knew not where a blessing might light; +and there, ye see, ye're in Castle Eredine. And now Mr Henry will be +gathered to you, and that will be seen.' + +In answer to my enquiries into her own situation, she informed me that +her husband had returned home, having been disabled by sickness, and +discharged from his regiment as unfit for service. She talked of his +illness, however, without any alarm; for she had travelled on foot to +Breadalbane to bring water from a certain consecrated spring[24], on +which she fully relied for his cure. 'What grieves us the most,' said +she to me apart, 'is that he's no' fit to help at the laird's shearing +this year; as he had a good right, as well as the rest. And ye see, I +cannot speak to Miss Graham upon that to make his excuse, for she might +think we were _reflecting_, because he got's trouble tending Mr +Kenneth.' + +The next day brought the harvest party of which Cecil had spoken. About +four o'clock in the morning, I was awakened by the shrieking and +groaning of a bagpipe under my window; and starting out of bed to +ascertain the occasion of this annoyance, saw about a couple of hundred +men and women collected near the house. These I found were the tenantry +of Glen Eredine, assembled to cut down the landlord's corn; a service +which they were bound to perform without hire. Yet never, in scenes +professedly devoted to amusement, had I witnessed such animating +hilarity as cheered this unrewarded labour. The work was carried on all +day, in measured time to the sound of the bagpipe, yet without causing +any interruption to the jests of the young or the legends of the old. Mr +Graham himself frequently joined in both, without incurring the +slightest danger of forfeiting respect by condescension. Dinner for the +whole party was, of course, despatched from the castle. Fortunately, the +cookery was not very complex, for the old nurse and the blind +stocking-knitter were the only persons left at home to assist Charlotte +and myself in the preparation. + +It was customary for the festivities of the day to conclude with a ball +on the old bowling-green; and promising myself some amusement from the +novelty, I repaired to the spot soon after the time when the dancers had +been accustomed to assemble. But no dancers were there. Not a person was +to be seen, except one sickly emaciated creature, wearing a faded +regimental coat over his tartan waistcoat and philibeg, who stood +leaning against a tree with an aspect of hopeless dejection. + +Supposing that I had mistaken the place, I enquired of this person +whither I must go to seek the dancers. 'Think ye, lady,' said the man, +with a look somewhat indignant, 'that they would dance here this night? +I hope they're no' so ill-mannered. It would be a fine story for them to +be dancing, and the best blood in Eredine not well cold i' the grave +yet!' + +I perceived that he alluded to the recent death of Kenneth Graham; and, +struck with such an instance of delicacy in persons whom I considered as +little better than savages, I was going to enter into further +conversation with the man, when seeing Charlotte at a distance, I +hastened to meet her. I could not prevail upon her to express the +slightest surprise at the sensibility of her countrymen. 'It is just as +I expected,' said she; and she proceeded to inform me, that the person +whom I had quitted was the husband of my old friend Cecil, and the +foster-brother of Kenneth Graham. 'Poor James!' said she; 'I believe it +would have broken his heart if that bowling-green had been profaned with +the sounds of merriment. He visits it every evening at the same hour +when he was wont to come five-and-twenty years ago to play with my +brothers. That poor fellow has given the strongest proofs of the +attachment to a superior which you think so uncommon. As soon as he +heard that my brother was ordered abroad, he left his wife and children, +and explored his way on foot to the south of Ireland, where the +regiment was already embarked. He enlisted; watched his master in the +dreadful disease which few could be found daring enough even to relieve; +followed the remains of his foster-brother to the grave, when sickness +had made him unable to return from the spot; and lay all night on the +earth which covered the head he loved best. Alas! alas! it lies among +stranger-dust, far from us all.' + +Although, ever since we had been on confidential habits, Charlotte had +spoken of her dead brother almost as much as of the living one, these +were the only words of lamentation which I ever heard her utter. + +On the contrary, the associations with which the remembrance of the dead +was joined seemed to be pleasurable. She appeared to sympathise in the +delight with which Lady Eredine and her son would meet; speaking of them +exactly as she would of living persons possessed of all the sentiments +and functions of mortality. + +From these themes the transition was easy to the subject of Henry +Graham,--a subject in which I took almost as much interest as she did +herself; for what girl of one-and-twenty could be uninterested in an +unknown lover? a lover described as handsome, brave, generous, good! and +who had besides fallen in love at first sight; a compliment which, by +the value some ladies put upon it, I suppose is estimated more by its +rarity than its worth. Now, all this my imagination found in Henry +Graham; for I was in the land of imagination. I was more than half +persuaded of my conquest. There was no other way of accounting for his +assiduous good offices; his flattering yet minute description of my +appearance. But Charlotte never directly admitted this explanation of +his conduct, and I durst not venture to show her how far vanity could +lead me in conjecture; though curiosity often made me come as near to +the subject as I dared. 'After all,' I would say to myself, 'what can it +signify to me? I shall never like the man; and I would far rather earn +my bread by labour than by marriage.' + +In the mean time, I was as much domesticated at Eredine as if I had +already been a daughter of the family. My kind friend soon found means +to make me consider it as for the present my permanent abode. She knew +me too well to expect, that this could ever take place so long as I felt +myself a useless dependent; and this was, I am persuaded the real cause +which inspired her with an enthusiastic desire to excel in music. There +was no danger that this plea for my detention should soon be exhausted; +for Charlotte's skill hitherto went no farther than jingling a +strathspey upon an excruciating harpsichord. Precisely at the lucky +moment, however, arrived a splendid harp, a present from her considerate +brother; and our labours began with much zeal and some success. + +In return, she exerted surprising patience in assisting my study of her +native tongue; and the whole family, myself included, were delighted +with my progress. We make rapid advances in a dialect which is the only +medium of communication with three fourths of the persons around us; +and, in justice to Highland politeness, I must assert, that there is no +language which may be attempted with more perfect security from +ridicule. This acquisition, together with my performance of some Gaelic +songs, brought me into high estimation with my venerable host. He +declared, 'that I could turn Chro challin or Oran gaoil almost as well +as his mother,--_white be the place of her soul!_' and only regretted, +that instead of 'that unhandy thing of a harp, which made trews where +trews should not be, I had not the light lady-like Clarsach, that the +d----d Hanoverians burnt when they ransacked Glen Eredine.' + +There might have been danger that my favourite recreation, to which long +abstinence gave all the charm of novelty, should make unreasonable +encroachment on my time. But almost the earliest work of my renovated +judgment had been to impress me with a solemn conviction of the value of +time; and when I recollected that, of the few allotted years of man, +seventeen had already been worse than squandered; that of the uncertain +remainder, a third must be devoted to the harmless enjoyments, a part +rifled by the idle fooleries of others,--an unknown portion laid waste +of joy and usefulness, by sickness, by sorrow, or by that overpowering +languor which palsies at times even the most active spirit;--when I +remembered, that the whole is fugitive in its nature as the colours of +the morning sky, irreversible in its consequence as the fixed decree of +Heaven, I could no longer waste the treasure on the sports of children, +or suffer the jewel to slip from the nerveless grasp of an idiot. I had +formed a plan for the distribution of my time; to which I adhered so +steadily, that I seldom spent an hour altogether unprofitably; that is, +I seldom spent an hour of which the employment had no tendency to +produce rational, benevolent, or devout habits in myself or in others. + +Let it not, therefore, be imagined that my whole life and conversation +were as solemn, and as wise, and as tiresome as possible. The flowers of +the moral world were doubtless intended to scatter cheerfulness and +pleasure there; and the woman who contributes nothing to the innocent +amusement of mankind has renounced one purpose of her being. I am +persuaded, that a happier party, or at times a merrier never met, than +assembled round our fireside at Eredine. + +Nor was it always confined to the members of our own family. Our +neighbours--and all within twenty miles were our neighbours--often came +with half-a-dozen of their sons and daughters, two or three servants, +and a few horses, to spend some days at Castle Eredine. Uninvited and +unexpected, they were always welcome. No preparation could be made; no +bustle ensued. The guests were for the time members of the household, +and partook in its business, its enjoyments, and its privations. The +morning amusements of the gentlemen furnished us with game; those of the +ladies, with lighter dainties; and our evenings were enlivened by music, +more abundant, it must be confessed, than excellent. + +But, though my hours were neither dull nor solitary, I must own, that my +heart leaped light with the hope of something new, when, one morning, +Charlotte, running into the room breathless with delight, exclaimed, 'He +is coming, dearest Ellen! he is coming! He will give up all his +habits,--his pursuits,--he will give back their trash,--he will return +to his father,--to us all!' + +'Henry! When, dear Charlotte?' + +'Now! Soon! In a week! Oh, if that week were past!' + +Charlotte was restless with joy. She left me almost immediately; and I +followed her to her father. The good old man folded us both to his +breast. 'God grant I live this week,' said he, 'and then----' He paused +a little, half ashamed of his emotion; 'I doubt,' said he, with a smile, +'my eyes are not so strong as they have been.' Then disengaging himself +from us, he hurried out upon the road which led to Edinburgh, as if he +had already hoped to meet his son; and repeated the same walk full +twenty times that day. Next, he would count every stage of Henry's +journey, and fix the very hour of his arrival, and order an infinity of +preparations for his reception; and, when he had quite exhausted +himself, he sunk into his great oak-chair ruminating, while a delighted +smile at times crossed his face. 'The little curly-pated dog was his +mother's darling,' cried he; 'and yet I never could find out how that +happened, for there never was a Southron blood-drop in him. He was +always a Graham to the heart's core.' + +Had I before been wholly uninterested in Henry's arrival,--had I owed no +obligation to him as the bestower of a secure though humble +independence,--had all the suggestions of vanity been silenced, I must +have sympathised in the joy expressed in every face I saw, in every +voice I heard. The house-maids all claimed the honour of arranging his +apartment; and as the division of labour, and all the distinctions +between cook and chamber-maid, were quite unknown in Glen Eredine, the +honour was bestowed according to seniority. The spinners celebrated +their young master's return in the extemporary songs, so common among +their countrywomen. The men brought home for him as many rocs, +black-cock, and ptarmigan, as would have satiated[25] courteous King +Jamie's ravenous visiter. Charlotte's nurse told me endless anecdotes of +his childhood; and I heard the blind knitter cry out in a tone of +triumph, 'He led me up the loan with's _oun_ hand, sirs; and that's what +he never did to one o' ye all. And shame fa' me, if ever a man lead me +by the right hand again, an it be no Eredine himsel'; and that's not to +be thought.' + +The only one who took no share in the cheerful bustle was poor Roban +Gorach; yet he too could in his way, testify affection for his young +master. I had strolled out; and taking my favourite station on a ledge +of rock which overhung the lake, I had suffered my thoughts to shape, I +know not what romantic dream, of Henry Graham, and friendship, and +Charlotte, and Maitland, and Castle Eredine, and castles in the air; +when I was roused by the approach of poor Roban, attended by the old +white pony, which followed him like a dog. He accosted me with an +earnest look, lowering his voice to a confidential tone. 'They say +you're ordained for him,' said he; 'so blessings on your face! take him +peaceably.' + +Since I had become a favourite in Glen Eredine, so many dreams and +prophecies had announced me its future mistress, that I had no +difficulty in apprehending his meaning. 'Oh! you must let me refuse a +little at first for decency-sake, Robert,' said I, laughing. + +'Mysel' would fain you do's bidding before you be hindered,' said he; +laying his fingers pleadingly upon my arm. 'What if he _would_ see you +going down the loan there, and through the wood, with another man's boy +in bosom?'--he raised his arm, tracing as he spoke the path towards +Cecil's dwelling; then letting it drop unconsciously, he proceeded in +his native tongue, as if he had forgotten my presence. 'He would care +no more for his fine golden watch, and all the parks and _towns_ of +Eredine, than for the wind when _she_ flies by him.'--'But, Robert,' +said I, interrupting his mournful reverie, 'how should you all like to +have a Saxon mistress in the Castle?'--'If it were so ordered,' answered +Robert, 'who could say against?--and we might be very well, though it +were so. Just you forget that you're a stepmother, with your leave; and +we'll all forget it too.' + +When I returned to the house, I learnt, what I had indeed inferred from +Roban's language, that Cecil had been there. She came to ask medicine +and advice for her dying husband; but when told the good news of the +day, she retired without suffering Miss Graham's joy to be interrupted +by her melancholy errand. Though, after having lived three months in +Glen Eredine, I could no longer be surprised at this delicacy, it can +never cease to please; and I immediately requested Charlotte to direct +our evening walk toward Cecil's cottage. + +We were received at the door by Cecil, who loaded us both with +congratulations; and invited us, as she was accustomed to do, into her +chamber of state, or as she phrased it, 'ben a house.' This apartment +was at that time no unfavourable specimen of Glen Eredine parlours. It +had to be sure an earthen floor not levelled with much nicety, but it +was tolerably clean; it was ceiled with whitened boards, lighted by a +sashed window, furnished with plane-tree chairs and tables, and +ornamented with an open corner cupboard filled with gaudy stone-bowls, +and jugs enriched with humble anacreontics. This was not, however, the +family room; and, finding that poor James inhabited the other end of the +building, we insisted upon adjourning thither. + +The humbler apartment was separated from the other by a panelled closet +or rather box, which served the double purpose of bed and partition. The +remaining walls were imperfectly plastered with clay; and the rude +frame-work of the roof was visible, where light enough to make it so was +admitted by the aperture which served for a chimney, and by a window of +four panes, one of which was boarded, and another stuffed with rags. +Beneath the above-mentioned aperture, the bounds of the fire-place were +marked only by a narrow piece of pavement, upon which a turf-fire +smouldered unconfined against the wall. The smoke, thus left at large, +had dyed the rafters of an ebon hue; and, mixing with the condensed +vapour, distilled in inky drops from the roof. The floor was strewed +with water-pails, iron-pots, wooden-ware, and broken crockery. Cecil's +eldest child, a boy of about four years old, tartaned and capped as +martially as any 'gallant Graham' of them all, sprawled contentedly in +the middle of the litter, sharing his supper of barley-bread with an +overgrown pet lamb; and the youngest attired with rather less ceremony, +crouched by the side of a black pot, contesting with the cock the +remains of a mess of oatmeal pottage. + +From these postures of ease, however, Cecil instantly snatched them +both. 'Up, ill manners!' cried she; 'think it your credit to stand when +the gentles come to see you.' This maxim she enforced by example, for no +entreaties could prevail upon her to be seated in our presence. + +The sallow, haggard countenance of poor James appeared through the open +panel of the bed; and Miss Graham approaching, enquired 'how he felt +himself?' + +'Ye're good that asks,' said Cecil, answering for him; 'but he'll never +be better, and he has no worse to be.' + +'These people are savages, after all!' thought I. 'Would any humanised +being have pronounced such a sentence in the sick man's hearing?' I +stole a glance towards the bed, half fearing to witness the effect of +her barbarity. + +'Trouble must have its time,' said the man cheerfully; 'but we must just +hope it'll no be long now.' + +This was so little like fear, that I was obliged to convert the words of +encouragement into those of congratulation; and after Miss Graham had +made some more particular enquiries, I expressed my satisfaction in +observing such apparent resignation. + +'Deed, ma'am,' said James, 'I cannot say but that I am willing enough to +depart; I'm whiles feared, indeed; but then I'm whiles newfangled.' + +'I'm sure, lady,' said Cecil, tears now streaming down her cheeks, 'he +has no reason to be feared; for he's been a well-living Christian all's +days, and a good husband he's been;--and he shall have no reason to +reflect that he has no' as decent a burial as ever the ground was broken +for in Eredine. And for that we're partly much beholden to you, Miss +Percy,--a blessing on you for that,--and a decent departure might you +have therefor! And thankful may we be, Jamie, that ye'll no lie in +unkent ground, among strangers, and heathens, and all the offscourings +of the earth!' + +'No!' said Miss Graham; 'among strangers you shall not lie. You shall be +laid by the place where your foster-brother should have lain; and your +head-stone shall be my memorial of him, and of what you did for him.' + +A flash of joy brightened the face of the dying man. He looked at Miss +Graham as if he would fain have thanked her; but though his lips moved, +they uttered no sound. Cecil was voluble in her thanks; and I verily +believe was half reconciled to the prospect of her misfortune, by the +honour which it was to procure for her husband. + +'When you see my dear brother,' proceeded Miss Graham, 'tell him, James, +that my only regret now is, that I should show neither love nor honour +to his remains; and that they must rest so far from mine!'[26] + +At this moment a casual change of posture made me observe, through the +window, a human figure, partially hid by an old ash tree which grew +within a few feet of the cottage wall. The figure advanced a step; and I +perceived through the dusk of the evening that it was Roban Gorach. He +was leaning against the tree, with his eyes fixed on the window; his +head and arms hanging listlessly down, with that undefinable singularity +of mien which betokens the wandering of the mind. + +I was going to call Miss Graham's attention to the circumstance, when +our strange conversation was interrupted by a scream from the youngest +child, whom Cecil had hastily caught up in her arms. The scream was +certainly the shriek of pain, perhaps partly of surprise; yet Cecil +apologising for her child's temper, began to soothe him with the sounds +which nurses apply to mere frowardness, mixing them at times with the +hum of a song. Her remonstrances to the child were given in Gaelic, +interrupted by apologies in English to Miss Graham and myself. More than +once she pronounced the word[27] which signifies 'Go,' 'begone!' with +strong emphasis; holding the child from her as if threatening to forsake +him. He still continued to cry, and she to hush him with a song, which +was at first irregular and indistinct; but which, by degrees, formed +itself into regular rhythm, pronounced with such precision, that even my +slender knowledge of her language was sufficient to render it +intelligible to me; while its occasional interruptions gave me time to +fix the meaning at least in my memory. Of the plaintive simplicity of +the original,--of the effect it derived from the wild and touching air +to which it was sung,--my feeble translation can convey no idea; but I +give the literal English of the whole[28] + + Go to thy rest, oh beloved; + My soul is pained with thy wailing; + The wrath of a father is kindled by thy complaining: + Go to thy rest. + + Choice of my heart thou hast been, + But now I lay thee from my bosom + That it may receive my betrothed: + Go to thy rest. + + Oh cease thy lamentation; + Disquiet me no more. + Till the long night bring morning of pleasant meetings: + Go to thy rest. + +Though I, having seen that Roban Gorach was one of Cecil's auditors, was +at no loss to perceive the double meaning of the song, neither poor +James nor Miss Graham could observe any thing peculiar in it. Cecil +never appeared to cast a glance towards the real object of her address; +and at every pause in the air she conversed with an appearance of +perfect unconcern. + +I own my esteem for my first Highland friend was far from being improved +by this specimen of her dexterity in intrigue. As soon as Charlotte and +I had taken our leave, I told her what I had observed; but, unwilling +to express a harsh opinion, I waited for her comments. The incident, +however, made no unfavourable impression upon her. 'I know,' said she, +'that Cecil has a great deal of discretion and presence of mind.' + +'Presence of mind, I allow; but really it seems to me, that if her +husband had witnessed this piece of management, he would have been very +pardonable for doubting her discretion.' + +'How so? do you not think it was prudent to prevent her dying husband +from being shocked by the sight of that poor creature?' + +'To tell you the truth, Charlotte, I think such readiness in intrigue +betokens Cecil's fidelity to be at least in danger.' + +'Surely you do not suspect--you cannot suppose--setting aside all fear +of God, think you she could make outcasts of her children!--transmit her +name, black with the infamy of being the first unfaithful wife that ever +disgraced Glen Eredine! No, no; Cecil would rather be buried under +Benarde: ay, silly as he is, Robert would rather lay her head in the +grave! No, no, Miss Percy; whatever may be the practice in other +countries, we have reason to be thankful that such atrocities are +unknown in Eredine.'[29] + +Charlotte's warm defence was interrupted by the approach of poor Robert, +who was following us home. 'Would ye just please to bid _her_,' said he, +pointing towards Cecil's cottage, 'let me thrash two or three sheaves +for her. She has nobody now to do for her; and if ye'll just allow me, +it's as sure's death, I'll stay in barn, and never go near house to +plague her.' + +'I think, Robert,' answered Charlotte, 'it would be very foolish in you +to take so much trouble for one who never even speaks to you.' + +'Ay, but yoursel' knows I'm no very wise,' said Robert, with a feeble +smile. Then, after a few moments' silence, he repeated his request. Miss +Graham gave an evasive answer, and he again fell behind; but, during our +walk, he came forward again and again to urge his petition, as if he had +forgotten having offered it before. + +'I beg pardon of Cecil and Glen Eredine, Charlotte,' said I. 'I had +forgotten the nature and constancy of this poor young man's attachment, +when I suspected her of imprudence. I am sure that a virtuous man alone +can feel, a woman of discretion alone can inspire, such disinterested, +such unconquerable affection.' + +'You are right, Ellen. Looseness of morals on the one side, or even a +very venial degree of levity on the other, is fatal to all the loftier +forms of passion. I believe even perfect frankness of manners is hostile +to them: it leaves too little for the imagination.' + +We both walked on musing, till my dream was broken by our arrival at the +gate. 'Is your brother reserved?' said I, very consciously. + +'I never found him so,' returned Charlotte, laughing; 'but you have so +much imagination that I believe it will do, notwithstanding.' + +The day approached when this object of universal interest was to arrive; +and every stage of his journey, every hour of its duration, was counted +a hundred times. 'Four whole days still!'--'To-night he will sleep in +Scotland!'--'By this time to-morrow!'--In how many tones of impatience, +of exultation, of delight, were these sentences uttered! + +The father's joy was the least exclamatory. After the first emotion was +past, he seemed to think much expression of his feelings unsuitable to +his years; though every thing 'put him in mind what Henry said when he +was last at home;' or, 'what Henry did when a boy;' and he every now and +then shook Charlotte and me by the hand with such a look of +congratulation! + +He hinted some intention of riding as far as Aberfoyle to meet his son; +though he seemed to doubt whether this were altogether consistent with +his paternal dignity. 'It is not what one could do for every young man,' +said he; 'but Henry was never a sort of boy that is easily spoiled.' So +with this salvo, with which many a father has excused his +self-indulgence, Eredine determined to meet Henry at Aberfoyle. + +On the eventful morning the whole family arose with the dawn. Almost the +first person I saw was Eredine, arrayed and accoutred in the perfect +costume of his country, marching up and down in the court with even more +than his usual elasticity of step. The good old gentleman prepared for +his journey with all the alertness of five-and-twenty. 'Come, +Charlotte,' said he, 'get me a breakfast fit for a man. Remember I have +more than sixty miles to ride to-day. Miss Percy, do you think any of +your Lowland lads of seventy-six could do as much? Well, well, wait till +nine o'clock at night; and, God willing, I'll show you a lad worth a +fine woman's looking at.' + +In spite of the entreaties of old Donald MacIan and the family piper, +who would fain have led forth the whole clan, Eredine set out attended +only by his household servants. But as soon as the laird was gone, +Donald followed his own inclinations. The piper marched through every +_baile_[30] in the Glen, pouring forth a torrent of vigorous discords, +which he called the '_Graham's Gathering_;' then took the road towards +Aberfoyle, followed by the train whom he had assembled. By noon, +scarcely a man was left in Glen Eredine. + +On the other hand, the women came in crowds to the Castle, each bringing +a cheese, a kid, a pullet, or whatever else her cabin could supply; and, +having deposited these '_compliments_,' as they called them, they +quietly returned to their homes. The servants ran idly bustling about +the house, forgetting every part of their business which did not refer +to Mr Henry. One began to air his linen as soon as day dawned. Another +piled heap after heap of turf upon his fire. A third, at the expense of +the state bedchamber, embellished his apartment with a carpet not +unlike, both in pattern and size, to a chess-board. I found a fourth +busied in anointing his leather-bottomed chairs with a mixture of oil +and soot; scrubbing this Hottentot embrocation into the grain with a +shoe-brush. 'I'm just giving them a bit clean for him,' said she, in +answer to my exclamation of amazement. 'He had always a cleanly +turn,--God save him!' + +At last all preparations perforce were finished; and the day then seemed +endless to us all. Charlotte was silent and restless. She tried to work; +but it would not do; she tried to read, and succeeded no better. She +visited her brother's apartment again and again, and could never satisfy +herself that all was ready for his reception. She began to fear that he +might not arrive that night, yet she was half angry with me for +admitting the possibility. Towards evening she stationed herself in a +window to watch for him; turning away sometimes with tears of +disappointment in her eyes, and then resuming her watch once more. + +Twilight closed in the stillness of a frosty night. Charlotte drew me to +the gate to listen. All was profoundly quiet. At last a dog bayed at a +distance. 'I hear the pipe!' said Charlotte, grasping my arm. I +listened. The sound was faintly heard, then lost, then heard again. By +degrees it swelled into distinctness; the trampling of horses,--the +tread of a multitude was heard,--voices mingled with the sound. +Charlotte ran forward, and then returned again. 'No! I cannot meet him +before all these people,' said she; and we retreated to the house. + +I saw through the dusk the stately figures of the chief and his son +approaching on foot from the gate where they had dismounted; and I stole +back into the parlour, unwilling that my presence should embarrass the +expected meeting. Yet, with a fluttering heart, I listened eagerly to +their quickened steps,--to the clasp of affection,--to the whisper of +rapture. 'Brother!'--'Charlotte!' pronounced in the scarcely articulate +accents of ecstasy, were for some moments the only words uttered; the +next that reached my ear, were those in which the traveller eagerly +enquired for me. I sprang forward, for it was a well remembered voice +that spoke; but the next moment I shrank before the flashing glance of +Maitland! + +FOOTNOTES: + +[Footnote 24: The said Breadalbane spring once existed in Atholl; but +its guardian Saint having been offended by some failure in respect, or +in liberality, removed it to its present site. This neglect was the more +unpardonable, because Highland saints have a very saint-like facility of +propitiation. A halfpenny is considered as a profuse offering; a nail, a +pin, or a rag, is all that the saints exact in return for the benefit of +these healing waters. The saints' wells can generally be distinguished +by the shreds of cloth hung upon the impending bushes; and other +offerings of like value dropped into the basin. + +Some of these springs are resorted to annually by way of preventative; +others are visited as occasion requires. Some of the waters are taken as +a medicine. Others--and these, I apprehend, the most useful--are +externally applied. In this case, the ablutions must be repeated for +three years successively; and if the patient die in the interim, a +friend must complete this ceremony in his stead, bringing away at the +same time a bottle of water, to be poured upon the grave of the +deceased. Within these few years, an old woman, for this pious purpose, +twice performed a journey of nearly a hundred miles.] + +[Footnote 25: See Scott's Border Minstrelsy.] + +[Footnote 26: Messages from the living to the dead are not uncommon in +the Highlands. The Gael have such a ceaseless consciousness of +immortality, that their departed friends are considered as merely absent +for a time; and permitted to relieve the hours of separation by +occasional intercourse with the objects of their earliest affection.] + +[Footnote 27: Falbh bi falbh.] + +[Footnote 28: Extemporary songs are common among the Highlanders. With +these they beguile their labours; often, of course, at small expense of +taste or invention. The readiness with which they apply their verses to +compliment, to banter, often to graver purposes, is, however, very +remarkable; and Cecil is far from furnishing a rare or exalted specimen +of the powers of Highland _improvisatori_. + +I have been told, that an Argyllshire woman, one evening, while +expecting her husband's return, was surprised by a visit from some +persons whom she guessed to be officers of justice sent to apprehend +him. Finding the man absent, they determined to wait his arrival in the +hut; taking care, of course, that his wife should not go out to apprise +him of his danger. She contrived, however, to hush her baby with an +extemporary song, which, without alarming the vigilance of the guards, +warned her husband from his perilous threshold, and he escaped. Other +instances, somewhat of a similar kind, suggested the incident in the +text. + +Indeed, the only merit which the Highland scenes in Discipline presume +to claim, is, that, however inartificially joined, they are all borrowed +from fact.] + +[Footnote 29: Although, in the remoter parts of Scotland, chastity is by +no means the universal virtue of unmarried persons, instances of +conjugal infidelity are still rare. Within the present generation they +were almost unknown. + +About twenty years ago, it happened, in a remote country town, that two +persons of the lower rank were accused of adultery. The charge, whether +true or false, had such an effect, that the man was driven like a wild +beast from human converse. The very children pelted him with mud in the +street; crying out, 'There goes the adulterer.'] + +[Footnote 30: Hamlet,--_Town_.] + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + + _Here have I found at last a home of peace, + To hide me from the world! far from its noise, + To feed that spirit which, though---- + ----linked to human beings by the bond + Of earthly love, hath yet a loftier aim + Than perishable joy! and through the calm + That sleeps amid this mountain solitude, + Can hear the billows of eternity, + And hear delighted!_ + + John Wilson. + + +'But seriously, Charlotte,' said I, when at a late hour we found +ourselves once more alone in our chamber, 'seriously, do you think it +was quite right in you to use this concealment with me?' + +'Seriously, I think it was. Long before I knew you, I could have guessed +that you would dislike receiving even a trifling service from Mr ----. +No, I never yet called Henry Graham by that upstart mercantile name, and +I never will. To tell you the truth, Ellen, my brother had so far made +me his confidant, that, judging of you by myself, I thought you would +rather lose your money than owe it to his good offices.' + +'I am sorry you thought it necessary to humour my pride at such an +expense. Humbled and mortified I might have been by any kindness from Mr +Maitland; but I have perhaps deserved the humiliation more than the +kindness. He owes me a little mortification, for drawing him into the +greatest folly he ever was guilty of.' + +'Oh you must not imagine that all my discretion was exerted only to +humour your saucy spirit. I had a purpose of my own to serve. I dare +say we should never have slid into any real intimacy, if you had known +me to be the sister of a quondam lover; watching, no doubt, with a +little womanly jealousy, the character of one whom my favourite brother +_once_ loved better than me.' + +'I am persuaded this could have made little difference; for my faults, +unfortunately, will not be concealed; and my good qualities I shall +always be willing enough to display.' + +'Oh, to be sure, my dear humble Miss Percy would knowingly and wittingly +have come here to ingratiate herself with us all! No doubt, you would +have been much more at home with us, had you known our connection with +your old admirer! and no doubt, you would have quietly waited his +arrival here, that you might be courted in due form!' + +'Pshaw, Charlotte, I am sure that it--I hope--I mean, I am quite certain +that your brother has no such nonsense in his thoughts. And I am sure it +is much better it should be so; for you know I have always told you that +I have a natural indifference about me--Heigho!' + +'What! even after you have seen that "it was your duty to be in love +long ago!" Will you "deprive" yourself of "the honour," the +"happiness"----' + +'Surely, Charlotte, you will never be so mischievous, so cruel, as to +repeat these thoughtless, unmeaning expressions to your brother! You +know they were spoken under entire misconception. And, besides, to be +sensible of what I ought once to have done is a very different thing +from being able to do it now.' + +'Make yourself quite easy, my dear Ellen,' said Charlotte, with a +provoking smile, 'I have more _esprit de corps_ than to tell a lady's +secret. Besides, even for my brother's own sake, I shall leave him to +make discoveries for himself. But by the way, it is very good-natured in +me to promise all this; for I have reason to be angry, that you think it +necessary to warn me against repeating any thing uttered in the mere +unguardedness of chit-chat.' + +I made no apology; for I have such an abhorrence of trick and +contrivance of every kind, that, to own the truth, I, at that moment, +felt half-justified in withdrawing part of my confidence from Charlotte. +'How in the world did such a scheme occur to you?' said I, after a +pause. 'Nothing like a plot ever enters my head.' + +'It occurred to me in the simplest way possible, my dear. Henry writes +to me remitting your money; describing you so as to prevent any chance +of imposition; and charging me not to rest till I have found you. "It +will distress her," says he, "to owe this little service to me, but +perhaps there is no remedy." Now, was not the very spirit of +contradiction enough to make one devise a remedy? Then he goes on--stay, +here is the letter:-- + +'"If she be found, I do not ask you to receive her to your acquaintance, +to your intimacy. There is something in Miss Percy which will +irresistibly win you to both. But I do ask you to tell me, with perfect +candour, the impression which her character makes upon your mind. Tell +me, with minute exactness, of her temper, her sentiments, her +employments, her pleasures. Describe even her looks and gestures. There +is meaning in the least of them. Write fearlessly--I am no weak lover +now. I know you ladies are all firm believers in the eternity of love; +and one part of the passion is indeed immortal in a heart of ordinary +warmth and delicacy. My interest in Miss Percy's welfare and improvement +is not less strong than in yours, my own Charlotte. Perhaps the +precariousness of her situation even turns my anxieties more strongly +towards her. Of course, this will no longer be the case when I know that +she is safe at Eredine; for you must prevail upon her to visit Eredine. +She has a thousand little _womanlinesses_ about her, which you could +never observe in an ordinary acquaintance of calls and tea-drinkings; +and you must be intimate with her before you can know or value that +delightful warmth and singleness of heart, which cannot but attach you. +I am sure she will bewitch my father. There is a gladness in her smile +that will delight his very soul." + +'Have not Henry and I shown a very decent portion of Highland +second-sight and discretion, think you, Ellen? His prediction has been +quite verified; and I am sure I have managed the plot incomparably.' + +'Ah, but Charlotte, after all, I wonder how you found it practicable. It +was a hundred to one that somebody should have let me into the secret.' + +'Hum! I might have been in some danger while we were in Edinburgh, +though few people there knew any thing of the matter. But, from the +moment we reached Glen Eredine, I knew we were safe. Nobody here would +mention to an inmate of our family the only shade that ever rested on +its name. Thank Heaven, even this stain is effaced now;--if, indeed, it +be a stain to submit to a temporary degradation in obedience to a +mother. You need not smile, Ellen. I am not so prejudiced as you think +me. I know that, if the name of those merchants had been mean as +obscurity could make it, it would have become honourable when borne by +Henry Graham. And to be sure, all professions are alike in the eye of +reason; only there are some which I think a gentleman should leave to +people who need money to distinguish them.' + +'Well,' said I, laughing, 'now that you have convinced me that you have +no prejudice, tell me how you could be sure that I only knew your +brother by his "upstart mercantile name." If he had had the spirit of +his sister, he could not have refrained from hinting his right to be +called a Graham.' + +'Oh, but Henry has nothing boastful in his disposition; and I knew that, +having given up his name to please his uncle, he scorned to make the +sacrifice by halves. The old gentleman hated us all as a clan of rebels; +and, while he lived, my mother would never even allow us to address our +letters to Henry under his real name; and I don't believe poor Henry +himself ever mentioned it to a human being. So, before I saw you, I +guessed that you might not be in the secret; and the moment I entered on +the business with you, I found I had guessed right. But I dare say Henry +will tell you his whole story now; for you must have many a confidential +_tete-a-tete_.' + +Confidential _tete-a-tetes_ with Mr Maitland! The idea led me into such +a reverie, that before I spoke again Charlotte was in bed, and asleep. + +I rose early; and yet, in three months of country negligence, my clothes +had all grown so troublesomely unbecoming, that, before I could make +them look tolerable, the family were assembled at breakfast. Maitland +took his place by me. 'I will sit between my sisters,' said he; and from +that time he called me, 'Sister Ellen.' The kindness of his manner made +me burn with shame at the recollection of my ungenerous purpose against +his peace. I held down my head, and was ready to thank Heaven that I saw +him well and happy. I was very glad, however, when I handed him his tea, +that my hand and arm were quite as beautiful as ever. My embarrassment +soon wore away. Maitland had evidently forgiven, he had almost, I +thought, forgotten my misconduct. So respectful, so kind were his +attentions, so equally divided between Charlotte and me, that I soon +forgot my restraint; and caught myself chattering and playing the fool +in my own natural manner. + +The day was past before I was aware; and every day stole away I know not +how. Their flight was marked only by our progress in the books which +Maitland read with Charlotte and me; or by that of a large plantation +which we all superintended together. Yet I protest, I have suffered more +weariness in one party of pleasure, than I did in a whole winter in Glen +Eredine. For, though the gentlemen always spent the mornings apart from +us, Charlotte and I were at no loss to fill up the hours of their +absence in the duties consequent upon being not only joint housewives in +the Castle, but schoolmistresses, chamber-council, physicians, +apothecaries, and listeners-general to all the female inhabitants of +Glen Eredine. What endless, what innumerable stories did this latter +office oblige me to hear? I am persuaded that I know not only the +present circumstances and characters of every person in the Glen, but +their family history from time immemorial, besides certain prophetic +glimpses of their future fortunes. + +I entirely escaped, however, the heavier labour of entertaining idle +gentlemen; for the bitterest storm of winter never confined Eredine or +Mr Graham to the fireside. Wrapped in their plaids, they braved the +blast, as the sports or the employments of the field required; and +returned prepared to be pleased with every thing at home. Our evenings +were delightful; enlivened as they were by Eredine's cheerfulness, +Charlotte's frank vivacity, and Henry's sly quiet humour. + +How often in their course did I wonder that I could ever think Maitland +cold and stately? His extensive information, his acquaintance with +scenes and manners which were new to us all, did indeed render his +conversation a source of instruction, as well as of amusement; but no +man was ever more free from that tendency towards dogma and harangue, +which is so apt to infect those who chiefly converse with inferiors. He +joined his family circle, neither determined to be wise nor to be witty, +but to give and receive pleasure. His was the true fire of conversation; +the kindly warmth was essential to its nature, the brilliance was an +accident. Maitland, indeed--but I must bid farewell to that name, the +only subject on which I cannot sympathise with the friends whom I love +the best. To me, though it be coupled with feeling of self-reproach and +regret, it is associated too with all that is venerable in worth, and +all that is splendid in eloquence. I exchange it for a noble name,--a +name which has mingled with many a wild verse, and many a romantic +tale,--a name which the historian and the poet shall celebrate when they +blazon actions more dazzling, but not more virtuous than those which +daily marked the life of Henry Graham! + +Spring came; and never, since the first spring adorned Eden, did that +season appear so lovely! So soft were its colours, so balmy its breezes, +so pure, so peaceful its moonlight,--such repose, such blest seclusion, +such confidential kindly home-breathing sweetness were in every scene! I +shall never forget the delightful coolness of a shower that dimpled the +calm lake, as Graham and I stood sheltered by an old fantastic fir-tree. +No sound was heard but the hush of the rain drops, and now and then the +distant wailing of the water-fowl. 'How often, both sleeping and awake, +have I dreamt of this!' said Graham, in the low confiding tone which +scarcely disturbed the stillness. 'And even now, I can scarcely believe +that it is not all a dream. This profound repose! every shadow sleeping +just where it lay, when I used to wonder what immeasurable depth of +waters could so represent the vault of heaven! And after my weary exile, +to be thus near to all that is dearest to me,--to feel their very +touch,--their very breath on my cheek----' + +I know not how it happened, but at that moment, I breathed with some +difficulty, and moved a little away. But then I suddenly recollected +that Charlotte was standing at his other side; and I moved back again, +lest he should think me very silly indeed. For Mr Graham was no lover of +mine; that is, he never talked of love to me; but I had begun to feel an +odd curiosity to know whether he ever would talk of it, and when. + +I pondered this matter very deeply for some days; and, after sundry +lonely rambles, and sederunts under the aforesaid fir-tree, I convinced +myself that, if Mr Graham chose to make love, I could not, without +abominable ingratitude, refuse to listen. + +I had returned from one of these rambles, and was just going to enter +the parlour, when, as I opened the door, I was arrested by the voice of +Graham within, speaking in that impressive tone of suppressed emotion +which he had already fixed irrevocably in my recollection. 'If it be +so,' said he, 'I am gone to-morrow. This day se'nnight I shall be in +London.' + +I was thunderstruck. He was going then without a thought of me! My hand +dropped from the lock; and I turned away, in a confused desire to escape +from his sight and hearing. + +'Bless me! Ellen! what is the matter with you?' cried Charlotte, whom I +met on the stair. I hurried past her without speaking, and shut myself +into my own apartment. + +'What _is_ the matter with me!' said I, throwing myself on a seat. The +question was no sooner asked than answered; and, though I was alone, I +could not help covering my face with my hands. The first distinct +purpose which broke in upon my amazement and consternation was, to see +Graham no more; to remain in my place of refuge till he was gone; and +then--it did not signify what then!--all after-life must be a blank +then! + +However, I was obliged to yield to Charlotte's entreaties for admission; +and, though all the interests of life were so soon to close, I was +obliged to take my tea; and then I was half forced to try the open air, +as a remedy for the headach, to which, like all heroines, I ascribed my +agitation. I somewhat repented of this compliance, however, when I found +that Graham was to be the companion of my walk; and, though I could not +decently refuse to take his arm, I endeavoured to look as frozen and +disagreeable as possible. He spoke to me, however, with such kind +solicitude; such respectful tenderness, that I was soon a little +reconciled to myself and him; and when Charlotte declared that she must +stop to visit a sick cottager, and he would by no means allow me to +breathe the close air of the cabin, I must own that I began to feel an +instinctive desire to escape a _tete-a-tete_. But I had not presence of +mind enough to defeat his purpose, and we pursued our walk together. + +He led me towards a little woody dell; I talking laboriously without +having any thing to say, he preserving an abstracted silence. But this +could not long continue; and, by the time we had lost sight of human +dwelling, our conversation was confined to short sentences, which, at +intervals of some minutes, made the listener start. In mere escape from +the awkwardness of my situation, I uttered some commonplace on the +beauty of the scenery; and desired Graham to look back towards the +bright lake, seen through the vista formed by the shaggy rocks, which +threw a twilight round us. + +'Yes,' said he, with a faint smile; 'let us stand and look at it +together for a few short moments. Perhaps one of us will never again see +it with pleasure. Lean on me, dear Miss Percy, as you are used to do, +and let me be happy while I dare.' + +He paused, but my eloquence was exhausted. I could not utter a word. + +'This night, this very hour,' he went on, 'must make all these beauties +a sickening blank to me, or perhaps heighten their interest a thousand +fold! Before we part this night, Ellen, I must learn from you whether +duty and pleasure are never to unite for me. You know how long I have +loved you, but I fear you can scarcely guess how tenderly. Dearest +Ellen! think what the affection must be, which withstood your errors, +your indifference, your scorn;--which neither time nor absence, nor +reason, could overcome. Think what it must be now, when I see thee all +that man ought to love! To live without you now, to remember thy form in +every scene, and know that thou art gone:--oh, Ellen! do not force me to +bear this! Say that you will permit me to try what perseverance, what +love unutterable, can do to win for me such affection as will satisfy +your own sense of duty, your own innocent mind, in that blessed +connection which would make us more than lovers or friends to each +other.' + +He paused in vain for a reply. If the fate of the universe had depended +on my speaking, I could have uttered nothing intelligible. I suppose, +however, the pleader began to conceive good hopes of his cause; for a +certain degree of saucy exultation mingled with the tones of entreaty, +as he said, 'Speak to me, dearest Ellen--only one word. Tell me that I +may one day hope to hear you own, that friendship, or habit, or call it +what you will, has made me necessary to your happiness.' + +I would have given the world for some expression that should convey +decent security to the worthy heart of Graham, without quite betraying +the weakness of my own. 'I cannot promise,' said I, without daring to +look up, 'that ever you will bring me to actual confession.' + +'Nay, Ellen,' said the unreasonable creature, 'think you this little +coquettish answer will content a man who asks his whole happiness from +you?' + +'I am sure I do not mean to coquet. Tell me what you wish me--what I +ought to say, and I will say it,--if I can.' + +'My own, my bewitching Ellen--' said Graham. + +But hold! I will not tell what he said. If Henry Graham for once spoke +nonsense, it would ill become me to record it. Nor will I relate my +answer; because, in truth, I know not what it was. But Graham understood +it to mean, that I was no longer the arrogant girl whose understanding, +dazzled by prosperity, was blind to his merit; whose heart, hardened by +vanity, was insensible to his love; no longer the thoughtless being +whose hopes and wishes were engrossed by the most substantial of all the +cheats that delude us in this world of shadows;--but a humbled creature, +thankful to find, in his sound mind and steady principle, a support for +her acknowledged weakness;--a traveller to a better country, pleased to +meet a fellow-pilgrim, who, animating her diligence, and checking her +wanderings, might soothe the toils of her journey, and rejoice with her +for ever in its blessed termination. + +I have now been many years a wife; and, in all that time, have never +left, nor wished to leave, Glen Eredine. Graham is still a kind of +lover; and though I retain a little of the coquettish sauciness of Ellen +Percy, I here confess that he is, if it be possible, dearer to me than +when he first folded his bride to his heart, and whispered, 'Mine for +ever.' + +We are still the guests of our venerable father; and within this hour he +told me, that his heart makes no difference between me and his own +Charlotte. Some misses lately arrived from a boarding-school, have begun +to call my sister an old maid; yet I do not perceive that this +cabalistic term has produced any ill effect on Charlotte's temper, or on +her happiness. + +I am the mother of three hardy, generous boys, and two pretty, +affectionate little girls. But far beyond my own walls extend the +charities of kindred. Many a smoke, curling in the morning sun, guides +my eye to the abode of true, though humble friends; for every one of +this faithful romantic race is united to me by the ties of relationship. +I am the mother of their future chieftain. Their interests, their joys, +their sorrows, are become my own. + +Having in my early days seized the enjoyments which selfish pleasure can +bestow, I might now compare them with those of enlarged affections, of +useful employment, of relaxations truly social, of lofty contemplation, +of devout thankfulness, of glorious hope. I might compare them!--but the +Lowland tongue wants energy for the contrast. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +Punctuation has been standardized except on page 25, after "'the way +that Miss Elizabeth ...," where it is unclear where the quotation ends. +Hyphenation has been made consistent. Spelling has been retained as it +appears in the original publication, except as follows: + + Page 2, doubless changed to doubtless + Page 5, perserverance changed to perseverance + Page 15, behavioiur changed to behaviour + Page 17, selon les regles changed to selon les regles + Page 23, pretentions changed to pretensions + Page 33, bienseances changed to bienseances + Page 33, "made some some" extra some removed + Page 36, waltze changed to waltz, twice + Page 38, father-in-aw changed to father-in-law + Page 45, decieving changed to deceiving + Page 52, "when we have have" extra have removed + Page 53, himsef changed to himself + Page 54, Mailtland changed to Maitland + Page 54, solider changed to soldier + Page 55, peculiuar changed to peculiar + Page 55, ambiguous check/cheek in original text changed to cheek + Page 62, digusted changed to disgusted + Page 79, nonchalance changed to nonchalance + Page 83, disappoiont changed to disappoint + Page 92, Mohametan changed to Mahometan + Page 99, curiousity changed to curiosity + Page 104, intellignce changed to intelligence + "she was was abroad" changed to "she was abroad" + Page 111, forebearance changed to forbearance + Page 117, "blot upon her frame" frame changed to fame + Page 135, teachery changed to treachery + Page 137, mainly changed to manly + Page 138, dictatated changed to dictated + Page 144, sounder changed to sounded + Page 147, publishng changed to publishing + Page 158, assunder changed to asunder + Page 162, upn changed to upon + Page 167, instrusion changed to intrusion + Page 173, "than when I could no longer repay..." than changed to that + Page 175, forebore changed to forbore + Page 180, forseen changed to foreseen + Page 186, incresased changed to increased + Page 193, sine qua non changed to sine qua non + Page 201, efficious changed to efficacious + Page 225, "(set) our immediately" our changed to out + Page 227, substracted changed to subtracted + Page 229, amd changed to and + Page 232, selon les regles changed to selon les regles + Page 242, reununciation changed to renunciation + Page 244, endeavourd changed to endeavoured + Page 253, stablity changed to stability + Page 259, nonchalance changed to nonchalance + Page 260, eleve changed to eleve + Page 266, acquaitnance changed to acquaintance + Page 266, "many a time I though," though changed to thought + Page 266, fetes changed to fetes + Page 268, (footnote 14) consecreted changed to consecrated + Page 270, sbroke changed to broke + Page 277, apearance changed to appearance + Page 303, relaxd changed to relaxed + Page 304, arrangmement changed to arrangement + Page 308, posssession changed to possession + Page 310, impertience changed to impertinence + Page 318, involuntairly changed to involuntarily + Page 322, recollet changed to recollect + Page 341, "valour of _out_ fathers." out changed to our + Page 342, grimvisaged changed to grim-visaged + Page 352, ptarmagans changed to ptarmigans + Page 358, ptarmagan changed to ptarmigan + Page 363, unfatihful changed to unfaithful + Page 366, foward changed to forward + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DISCIPLINE*** + + +******* This file should be named 38510.txt or 38510.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/8/5/1/38510 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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