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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/383-0.txt b/383-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9556ef4 --- /dev/null +++ b/383-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3776 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of She Stoops to Conquer, by Oliver Goldsmith + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: She Stoops to Conquer + or, The Mistakes of a Night. A Comedy. + +Author: Oliver Goldsmith + +Release Date: December, 1995 [eBook #383] +[Most recently updated: June 8, 2021] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +Produced by: G. R. Young and David Widger + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER *** + + + + +SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER + +by Oliver Goldsmith + + + +She Stoops To Conquer; Or, The Mistakes Of A Night. + +A Comedy. + + +To Samuel Johnson, LL.D. + + +Dear Sir,--By inscribing this slight performance to you, I do not mean +so much to compliment you as myself. It may do me some honour to +inform the public, that I have lived many years in intimacy with you. +It may serve the interests of mankind also to inform them, that the +greatest wit may be found in a character, without impairing the most +unaffected piety. + +I have, particularly, reason to thank you for your partiality to this +performance. The undertaking a comedy not merely sentimental was very +dangerous; and Mr. Colman, who saw this piece in its various stages, +always thought it so. However, I ventured to trust it to the public; +and, though it was necessarily delayed till late in the season, I have +every reason to be grateful. + +I am, dear Sir, your most sincere friend and admirer, + +OLIVER GOLDSMITH. + + + + +PROLOGUE, + +By David Garrick, Esq. + + +Enter MR. WOODWARD, dressed in black, and holding a handkerchief +to his eyes. + + Excuse me, sirs, I pray--I can’t yet speak-- + I’m crying now--and have been all the week. + “’Tis not alone this mourning suit,” good masters: + “I’ve that within”--for which there are no plasters! + Pray, would you know the reason why I’m crying? + The Comic Muse, long sick, is now a-dying! + And if she goes, my tears will never stop; + For as a player, I can’t squeeze out one drop: + I am undone, that’s all--shall lose my bread-- + I’d rather, but that’s nothing--lose my head. + When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier, + Shuter and I shall be chief mourners here. + To her a mawkish drab of spurious breed, + Who deals in sentimentals, will succeed! + Poor Ned and I are dead to all intents; + We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments! + Both nervous grown, to keep our spirits up. + We now and then take down a hearty cup. + What shall we do? If Comedy forsake us, + They’ll turn us out, and no one else will take us. + But why can’t I be moral?--Let me try-- + My heart thus pressing--fixed my face and eye-- + With a sententious look, that nothing means, + (Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes) + Thus I begin: “All is not gold that glitters, + “Pleasure seems sweet, but proves a glass of bitters. + “When Ignorance enters, Folly is at hand: + “Learning is better far than house and land. + “Let not your virtue trip; who trips may stumble, + “And virtue is not virtue, if she tumble.” + + I give it up--morals won’t do for me; + To make you laugh, I must play tragedy. + One hope remains--hearing the maid was ill, + A Doctor comes this night to show his skill. + To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, + He, in Five Draughts prepar’d, presents a potion: + A kind of magic charm--for be assur’d, + If you will swallow it, the maid is cur’d: + But desperate the Doctor, and her case is, + If you reject the dose, and make wry faces! + This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, + No poisonous drugs are mixed in what he gives. + Should he succeed, you’ll give him his degree; + If not, within he will receive no fee! + The College YOU, must his pretensions back, + Pronounce him Regular, or dub him Quack. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + + MEN. + + SIR CHARLES MARLOW Mr. Gardner. + YOUNG MARLOW (His Son) Mr. Lee Lewes. + HARDCASTLE Mr. Shuter. + HASTINGS Mr. Dubellamy. + TONY LUMPKIN Mr. Quick. + DIGGORY Mr. Saunders. + + WOMEN. + + MRS. HARDCASTLE Mrs. Green. + MISS HARDCASTLE Mrs. Bulkley. + MISS NEVILLE Mrs. Kniveton. + MAID Miss Williams. + + LANDLORD, SERVANTS, Etc. Etc. + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE--A Chamber in an old-fashioned House. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MR. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you’re very particular. Is +there a creature in the whole country but ourselves, that does not take +a trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There’s the +two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month’s +polishing every winter. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them the +whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! In +my time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they +travel faster than a stage-coach. Its fopperies come down not only as +inside passengers, but in the very basket. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have been +telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old +rumbling mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we +never see company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the +curate’s wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all +our entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of +Marlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery. + +HARDCASTLE. And I love it. I love everything that’s old: old +friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, +Dorothy (taking her hand), you’ll own I have been pretty fond of an old +wife. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you’re for ever at your +Dorothys and your old wifes. You may be a Darby, but I’ll be no Joan, +I promise you. I’m not so old as you’d make me, by more than one good +year. Add twenty to twenty, and make money of that. + +HARDCASTLE. Let me see; twenty added to twenty makes just fifty and +seven. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. It’s false, Mr. Hardcastle; I was but twenty when I +was brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first +husband; and he’s not come to years of discretion yet. + +HARDCASTLE. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you have +taught him finely. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. No matter. Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My son +is not to live by his learning. I don’t think a boy wants much +learning to spend fifteen hundred a year. + +HARDCASTLE. Learning, quotha! a mere composition of tricks and +mischief. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Humour, my dear; nothing but humour. Come, Mr. +Hardcastle, you must allow the boy a little humour. + +HARDCASTLE. I’d sooner allow him a horse-pond. If burning the +footmen’s shoes, frightening the maids, and worrying the kittens be +humour, he has it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back +of my chair, and when I went to make a bow, I popt my bald head in Mrs. +Frizzle’s face. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. And am I to blame? The poor boy was always too +sickly to do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes to +be a little stronger, who knows what a year or two’s Latin may do for +him? + +HARDCASTLE. Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. No, no; the alehouse +and the stable are the only schools he’ll ever go to. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for I +believe we shan’t have him long among us. Anybody that looks in his +face may see he’s consumptive. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. He coughs sometimes. + +HARDCASTLE. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I’m actually afraid of his lungs. + +HARDCASTLE. And truly so am I; for he sometimes whoops like a +speaking trumpet--(Tony hallooing behind the scenes)--O, there he +goes--a very consumptive figure, truly. + + +Enter TONY, crossing the stage. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Tony, where are you going, my charmer? Won’t you +give papa and I a little of your company, lovee? + +TONY. I’m in haste, mother; I cannot stay. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. You shan’t venture out this raw evening, my dear; you +look most shockingly. + +TONY. I can’t stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me down +every moment. There’s some fun going forward. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay; the alehouse, the old place: I thought so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A low, paltry set of fellows. + +TONY. Not so low, neither. There’s Dick Muggins the exciseman, Jack +Slang the horse doctor, Little Aminadab that grinds the music box, and +Tom Twist that spins the pewter platter. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night at +least. + +TONY. As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but I +can’t abide to disappoint myself. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (detaining him.) You shan’t go. + +TONY. I will, I tell you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I say you shan’t. + +TONY. We’ll see which is strongest, you or I. [Exit, hauling her +out.] + +HARDCASTLE. (solus.) Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each +other. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and +discretion out of doors? There’s my pretty darling Kate! the fashions +of the times have almost infected her too. By living a year or two in +town, she is as fond of gauze and French frippery as the best of them. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Blessings on my pretty innocence! drest out as usual, my +Kate. Goodness! What a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou got +about thee, girl! I could never teach the fools of this age, that the +indigent world could be clothed out of the trimmings of the vain. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You know our agreement, sir. You allow me the +morning to receive and pay visits, and to dress in my own manner; and +in the evening I put on my housewife’s dress to please you. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, remember, I insist on the terms of our agreement; +and, by the bye, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obedience +this very evening. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I don’t comprehend your meaning. + +HARDCASTLE. Then to be plain with you, Kate, I expect the young +gentleman I have chosen to be your husband from town this very day. I +have his father’s letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, +and that he intends to follow himself shortly after. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Indeed! I wish I had known something of this +before. Bless me, how shall I behave? It’s a thousand to one I +shan’t like him; our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing of +business, that I shall find no room for friendship or esteem. + +HARDCASTLE. Depend upon it, child, I’ll never control your choice; but +Mr. Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir +Charles Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. The young +gentleman has been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment in +the service of his country. I am told he’s a man of an excellent +understanding. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Is he? + +HARDCASTLE. Very generous. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I believe I shall like him. + +HARDCASTLE. Young and brave. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m sure I shall like him. + +HARDCASTLE. And very handsome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, say no more, (kissing his hand), he’s +mine; I’ll have him. + +HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he’s one of the most bashful and +reserved young fellows in all the world. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Eh! you have frozen me to death again. That word +RESERVED has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved +lover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband. + +HARDCASTLE. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides in a breast that +is not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his +character that first struck me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. He must have more striking features to catch me, I +promise you. However, if he be so young, so handsome, and so +everything as you mention, I believe he’ll do still. I think I’ll have +him. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It’s more than +an even wager he may not have you. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you mortify one so?--Well, if +he refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I’ll only +break my glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, and +look out for some less difficult admirer. + +HARDCASTLE. Bravely resolved! In the mean time I’ll go prepare the +servants for his reception: as we seldom see company, they want as much +training as a company of recruits the first day’s muster. [Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone). Lud, this news of papa’s puts me all in a +flutter. Young, handsome: these he put last; but I put them foremost. +Sensible, good-natured; I like all that. But then reserved and +sheepish; that’s much against him. Yet can’t he be cured of his +timidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can’t +I--But I vow I’m disposing of the husband before I have secured the +lover. + + +Enter MISS NEVILLE. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m glad you’re come, Neville, my dear. Tell me, +Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there anything whimsical +about me? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am I in face +to-day? + +MISS NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again--bless +me!--sure no accident has happened among the canary birds or the gold +fishes. Has your brother or the cat been meddling? or has the last +novel been too moving? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened--I +can scarce get it out--I have been threatened with a lover. + +MISS NEVILLE. And his name-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow. + +MISS NEVILLE. Indeed! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. The son of Sir Charles Marlow. + +MISS NEVILLE. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my +admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him +when we lived in town. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never. + +MISS NEVILLE. He’s a very singular character, I assure you. Among +women of reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his +acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of +another stamp: you understand me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. An odd character indeed. I shall never be able to +manage him. What shall I do? Pshaw, think no more of him, but trust +to occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear? +has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony as usual? + +MISS NEVILLE. I have just come from one of our agreeable +tete-a-tetes. She has been saying a hundred tender things, and setting +off her pretty monster as the very pink of perfection. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is such, that she actually thinks +him so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she +has the sole management of it, I’m not surprised to see her unwilling +to let it go out of the family. + +MISS NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, +is no such mighty temptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be +but constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. However, +I let her suppose that I am in love with her son; and she never once +dreams that my affections are fixed upon another. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almost +love him for hating you so. + +MISS NEVILLE. It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I’m sure +would wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt’s +bell rings for our afternoon’s walk round the improvements. Allons! +Courage is necessary, as our affairs are critical. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. “Would it were bed-time, and all were well.” +[Exeunt.] + + +SCENE--An Alehouse Room. Several shabby Fellows with punch and +tobacco. TONY at the head of the table, a little higher than the +rest, a mallet in his hand. + + +OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo! + +FIRST FELLOW Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. The ’squire is +going to knock himself down for a song. + +OMNES. Ay, a song, a song! + +TONY. Then I’ll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon this +alehouse, the Three Pigeons. + + +SONG. + + Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain + With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, + Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, + Gives GENUS a better discerning. + Let them brag of their heathenish gods, + Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians, + Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods, + They’re all but a parcel of Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + When methodist preachers come down, + A-preaching that drinking is sinful, + I’ll wager the rascals a crown, + They always preach best with a skinful. + But when you come down with your pence, + For a slice of their scurvy religion, + I’ll leave it to all men of sense, + But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + Then come, put the jorum about, + And let us be merry and clever, + Our hearts and our liquors are stout, + Here’s the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. + Let some cry up woodcock or hare, + Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons; + But of all the GAY birds in the air, + Here’s a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + +OMNES. Bravo, bravo! + +FIRST FELLOW. The ’squire has got spunk in him. + +SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us +nothing that’s low. + +THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that’s low, I cannot bear it. + +FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time: if so +be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly. + +THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though I +am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. +May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very +genteelest of tunes; “Water Parted,” or “The minuet in Ariadne.” + +SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the ’squire is not come to his own. +It would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him. + +TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I’d then show what it was +to keep choice of company. + +SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sure +old ’Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. +For winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a +wench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he +kept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county. + +TONY. Ecod, and when I’m of age, I’ll be no bastard, I promise you. I +have been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller’s grey mare to begin +with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no +reckoning. Well, Stingo, what’s the matter? + + +Enter Landlord. + + +LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. They +have lost their way upo’ the forest; and they are talking something +about Mr. Hardcastle. + +TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that’s +coming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners? + +LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen. + +TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I’ll set them right in a +twinkling. (Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn’t be good enough +company for you, step down for a moment, and I’ll be with you in the +squeezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob.] + +TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been calling me whelp and hound this +half year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old +grumbletonian. But then I’m afraid--afraid of what? I shall soon be +worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of THAT if he +can. + + +Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS. + + +MARLOW. What a tedious uncomfortable day have we had of it! We were +told it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above +threescore. + +HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours, +that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way. + +MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an +obligation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an +unmannerly answer. + +HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any +answer. + +TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I’m told you have been inquiring for +one Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of the +country you are in? + +HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for +information. + +TONY. Nor the way you came? + +HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can inform us---- + +TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor +where you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform +you is, that--you have lost your way. + +MARLOW. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. + +TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place from +whence you came? + +MARLOW. That’s not necessary towards directing us where we are to go. + +TONY. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know. +Pray, gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, +old-fashioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and a +pretty son? + +HASTINGS. We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you +mention. + +TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole; +the son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fond +of. + +MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be +well-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up and +spoiled at his mother’s apron-string. + +TONY. He-he-hem!--Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you +won’t reach Mr. Hardcastle’s house this night, I believe. + +HASTINGS. Unfortunate! + +TONY. It’s a damn’d long, dark, boggy, dirty, dangerous way. Stingo, +tell the gentlemen the way to Mr. Hardcastle’s! (Winking upon the +Landlord.) Mr. Hardcastle’s, of Quagmire Marsh, you understand me. + +LANDLORD. Master Hardcastle’s! Lock-a-daisy, my masters, you’re come +a deadly deal wrong! When you came to the bottom of the hill, you +should have crossed down Squash Lane. + +MARLOW. Cross down Squash Lane! + +LANDLORD. Then you were to keep straight forward, till you came to +four roads. + +MARLOW. Come to where four roads meet? + +TONY. Ay; but you must be sure to take only one of them. + +MARLOW. O, sir, you’re facetious. + +TONY. Then keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you come +upon Crackskull Common: there you must look sharp for the track of the +wheel, and go forward till you come to farmer Murrain’s barn. Coming +to the farmer’s barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to the +left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the old +mill-- + +MARLOW. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude! + +HASTINGS. What’s to be done, Marlow? + +MARLOW. This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps the +landlord can accommodate us. + +LANDLORD. Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the whole +house. + +TONY. And to my knowledge, that’s taken up by three lodgers already. +(After a pause, in which the rest seem disconcerted.) I have hit it. +Don’t you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentlemen +by the fire-side, with----three chairs and a bolster? + +HASTINGS. I hate sleeping by the fire-side. + +MARLOW. And I detest your three chairs and a bolster. + +TONY. You do, do you? then, let me see--what if you go on a mile +further, to the Buck’s Head; the old Buck’s Head on the hill, one of +the best inns in the whole county? + +HASTINGS. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, +however. + +LANDLORD. (apart to TONY). Sure, you ben’t sending them to your +father’s as an inn, be you? + +TONY. Mum, you fool you. Let THEM find that out. (To them.) You +have only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old +house by the road side. You’ll see a pair of large horns over the +door. That’s the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. + +HASTINGS. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can’t miss the +way? + +TONY. No, no: but I tell you, though, the landlord is rich, and going +to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving +your presence, he! he! he! He’ll be for giving you his company; and, +ecod, if you mind him, he’ll persuade you that his mother was an +alderman, and his aunt a justice of peace. + +LANDLORD. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as good +wines and beds as any in the whole country. + +MARLOW. Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no farther +connexion. We are to turn to the right, did you say? + +TONY. No, no; straight forward. I’ll just step myself, and show you a +piece of the way. (To the Landlord.) Mum! + +LANDLORD. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant--damn’d +mischievous son of a whore. [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE--An old-fashioned House. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward Servants. + + +HARDCASTLE. Well, I hope you are perfect in the table exercise I have +been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your +places, and can show that you have been used to good company, without +ever stirring from home. + +OMNES. Ay, ay. + +HARDCASTLE. When company comes you are not to pop out and stare, and +then run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren. + +OMNES. No, no. + +HARDCASTLE. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make +a show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the +plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you’re not to stand +so, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your +pockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory +carries his hands. They’re a little too stiff, indeed, but that’s no +great matter. + +DIGGORY. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands this +way when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill---- + +HARDCASTLE. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all +attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of +talking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see +us eat, and not think of eating. + +DIGGORY. By the laws, your worship, that’s parfectly unpossible. +Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod, he’s always wishing +for a mouthful himself. + +HARDCASTLE. Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good as +a belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection. + +DIGGORY. Ecod, I thank your worship, I’ll make a shift to stay my +stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry. + +HARDCASTLE. Diggory, you are too talkative.--Then, if I happen to say +a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out +a-laughing, as if you made part of the company. + +DIGGORY. Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of Ould +Grouse in the gun-room: I can’t help laughing at that--he! he! +he!--for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty +years--ha! ha! ha! + +HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Well, honest +Diggory, you may laugh at that--but still remember to be attentive. +Suppose one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will +you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you please (to DIGGORY).--Eh, why +don’t you move? + +DIGGORY. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the +eatables and drinkables brought upo’ the table, and then I’m as bauld +as a lion. + +HARDCASTLE. What, will nobody move? + +FIRST SERVANT. I’m not to leave this pleace. + +SECOND SERVANT. I’m sure it’s no pleace of mine. + +THIRD SERVANT. Nor mine, for sartain. + +DIGGORY. Wauns, and I’m sure it canna be mine. + +HARDCASTLE. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are +quarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. O you dunces! I +find I must begin all over again----But don’t I hear a coach drive into +the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I’ll go in the mean time and +give my old friend’s son a hearty reception at the gate. [Exit +HARDCASTLE.] + +DIGGORY. By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head. + +ROGER. I know that my pleace is to be everywhere. + +FIRST SERVANT. Where the devil is mine? + +SECOND SERVANT. My pleace is to be nowhere at all; and so I’ze go +about my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about as if frightened, +different ways.] + + +Enter Servant with candles, showing in MARLOW and HASTINGS. + + +SERVANT. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! This way. + +HASTINGS. After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, +Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my +word, a very well-looking house; antique but creditable. + +MARLOW. The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the +master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as +an inn. + +HASTINGS. As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these +fineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marble +chimney-piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame a +reckoning confoundedly. + +MARLOW. Travellers, George, must pay in all places: the only +difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad +inns you are fleeced and starved. + +HASTINGS. You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have been +often surprised, that you who have seen so much of the world, with your +natural good sense, and your many opportunities, could never yet +acquire a requisite share of assurance. + +MARLOW. The Englishman’s malady. But tell me, George, where could I +have learned that assurance you talk of? My life has been chiefly +spent in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the +creation that chiefly teach men confidence. I don’t know that I was +ever familiarly acquainted with a single modest woman--except my +mother--But among females of another class, you know---- + +HASTINGS. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. + +MARLOW. They are of US, you know. + +HASTINGS. But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such +an idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wanted +an opportunity of stealing out of the room. + +MARLOW. Why, man, that’s because I do want to steal out of the room. +Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle +away at any rate. But I don’t know how, a single glance from a pair of +fine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may +counterfeit modesty; but I’ll be hanged if a modest man can ever +counterfeit impudence. + +HASTINGS. If you could but say half the fine things to them that I +have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college +bed-maker---- + +MARLOW. Why, George, I can’t say fine things to them; they freeze, +they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or +some such bagatelle; but, to me, a modest woman, drest out in all her +finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. + +HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect to +marry? + +MARLOW. Never; unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be +courted by proxy. If, indeed, like an Eastern bridegroom, one were to +be introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might be endured. But +to go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the +episode of aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, and at last to blurt out +the broad staring question of, Madam, will you marry me? No, no, +that’s a strain much above me, I assure you. + +HASTINGS. I pity you. But how do you intend behaving to the lady you +are come down to visit at the request of your father? + +MARLOW. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow very low, answer yes or +no to all her demands--But for the rest, I don’t think I shall venture +to look in her face till I see my father’s again. + +HASTINGS. I’m surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so +cool a lover. + +MARLOW. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down was +to be instrumental in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss +Neville loves you, the family don’t know you; as my friend you are sure +of a reception, and let honour do the rest. + +HASTINGS. My dear Marlow! But I’ll suppress the emotion. Were I a +wretch, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the last +man in the world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville’s +person is all I ask, and that is mine, both from her deceased father’s +consent, and her own inclination. + +MARLOW. Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman. +I’m doom’d to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of +it I despise. This stammer in my address, and this awkward +prepossessing visage of mine, can never permit me to soar above the +reach of a milliner’s ’prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane. +Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is +Mr. Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome. It’s not my way, you see, +to receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like give them a +hearty reception in the old style at my gate. I like to see their +horses and trunks taken care of. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) He has got our names from the servants already. (To +him.) We approve your caution and hospitality, sir. (To HASTINGS.) I +have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the +morning. I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. + +HARDCASTLE. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you’ll use no ceremony in this house. + +HASTINGS. I fancy, Charles, you’re right: the first blow is half the +battle. I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold. + +HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow--Mr. Hastings--gentlemen--pray be under no +constraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may do +just as you please here. + +MARLOW. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we +may want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the +embroidery to secure a retreat. + +HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of +the Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He first +summoned the garrison---- + +MARLOW. Don’t you think the ventre d’or waistcoat will do with the +plain brown? + +HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the garrison, which might consist of +about five thousand men---- + +HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but very poorly. + +HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, be summoned the +garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men---- + +MARLOW. The girls like finery. + +HARDCASTLE. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well +appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, +says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to +him--you must have heard of George Brooks--I’ll pawn my dukedom, says +he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So---- + +MARLOW. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the +mean time; it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour. + +HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside.) This is the most unaccountable kind +of modesty I ever met with. + +MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, +will be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know. + +HARDCASTLE. Here’s a cup, sir. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let +us have just what he pleases. + +HARDCASTLE. (Taking the cup.) I hope you’ll find it to your mind. I +have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you’ll own the +ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? +Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. [Drinks.] + +MARLOW. (Aside.) A very impudent fellow this! but he’s a character, +and I’ll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks.] + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) I see this fellow wants to give us his company, +and forgets that he’s an innkeeper, before he has learned to be a +gentleman. + +MARLOW. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you +have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, +now and then, at elections, I suppose. + +HARDCASTLE. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our +betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is no +business “for us that sell ale.” + +HASTINGS. So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find. + +HARDCASTLE. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted +myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding +myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better, +I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about +Hyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service to +you. + +HASTINGS. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with +receiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead a +good pleasant bustling life of it. + +HARDCASTLE. I do stir about a great deal, that’s certain. Half the +differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. + +MARLOW. (After drinking.) And you have an argument in your cup, old +gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an +innkeeper’s philosophy. + +HASTINGS. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on +every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with +your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with +this. Here’s your health, my philosopher. [Drinks.] + +HARDCASTLE. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts +me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of +Belgrade. You shall hear. + +MARLOW. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it’s almost time +to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for +supper? + +HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside.) Was ever such a request to a +man in his own house? + +MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall +make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. +(To him.) Why, really, sir, as for supper I can’t well tell. My +Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave +these kind of things entirely to them. + +MARLOW. You do, do you? + +HARDCASTLE. Entirely. By the bye, I believe they are in actual +consultation upon what’s for supper this moment in the kitchen. + +MARLOW. Then I beg they’ll admit me as one of their privy council. +It’s a way I have got. When I travel, I always chose to regulate my +own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir. + +HARDCASTLE. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don’t know how; our +Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these +occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the +house. + +HASTINGS. Let’s see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a +favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. + +MARLOW. (To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise.) Sir, he’s +very right, and it’s my way too. + +HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, +bring us the bill of fare for to-night’s supper: I believe it’s drawn +out--Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel +Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper +till he had eaten it. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we +shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let’s +hear the bill of fare. + +MARLOW. (Perusing.) What’s here? For the first course; for the +second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have +brought down a whole Joiners’ Company, or the corporation of Bedford, +to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and +comfortable, will do. + +HASTINGS. But let’s hear it. + +MARLOW. (Reading.) For the first course, at the top, a pig and prune +sauce. + +HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say. + +MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce, say I. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with +prune sauce is very good eating. + +MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf’s tongue and brains. + +HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don’t like +them. + +MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Their impudence confounds me. (To them.) +Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is +there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen? + +MARLOW. Item, a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, +a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff--taff--taffety cream. + +HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in +this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador’s +table. I’m for plain eating. + +HARDCASTLE. I’m sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if +there be anything you have a particular fancy to---- + +MARLOW. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any +one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. +So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and +properly taken care of. + +HARDCASTLE. I entreat you’ll leave that to me. You shall not stir a +step. + +MARLOW. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I +always look to these things myself. + +HARDCASTLE. I must insist, sir, you’ll make yourself easy on that +head. + +MARLOW. You see I’m resolved on it. (Aside.) A very troublesome +fellow this, as I ever met with. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I’m resolved at least to attend you. (Aside.) +This may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like +old-fashioned impudence. [Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE.] + +HASTINGS. (Alone.) So I find this fellow’s civilities begin to grow +troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant +to please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that’s happy! + + +Enter MISS NEVILLE. + + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to +what accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting? + +HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have +hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn. + +MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives +here. What could induce you to think this house an inn? + +HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have +been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we +accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither. + +MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin’s tricks, +of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha! + +HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such +just apprehensions? + +MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You’d +adore him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it +too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to +think she has made a conquest. + +HASTINGS. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have +just seized this happy opportunity of my friend’s visit here to get +admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now +fatigued with their journey, but they’ll soon be refreshed; and then, +if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon +be landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage are +respected. + +MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I +yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The +greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and +chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my +aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I’m very near succeeding. The +instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to +make them and myself yours. + +HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the +mean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know +the strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of +it, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for +execution. + +MISS NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss +Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to +deceive him?----This, this way----[They confer.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. The assiduities of these good people teaze me beyond bearing. +My host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he +claps not only himself, but his old-fashioned wife, on my back. They +talk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run +the gantlet through all the rest of the family.--What have we got here? + +HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!--The most +fortunate accident!--Who do you think is just alighted? + +MARLOW. Cannot guess. + +HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. +Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your +acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called on +their return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept +into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn’t it lucky? +eh! + +MARLOW. (Aside.) I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and +here comes something to complete my embarrassment. + +HASTINGS. Well, but wasn’t it the most fortunate thing in the world? + +MARLOW. Oh! yes. Very fortunate--a most joyful encounter--But our +dresses, George, you know are in disorder--What if we should postpone +the happiness till to-morrow?--To-morrow at her own house--It will be +every bit as convenient--and rather more respectful--To-morrow let it +be. [Offering to go.] + +MISS NEVILLE. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. +The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience. +Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see +her. + +MARLOW. O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings, +you must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall be +confoundedly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I’ll take courage. Hem! + +HASTINGS. Pshaw, man! it’s but the first plunge, and all’s over. +She’s but a woman, you know. + +MARLOW. And, of all women, she that I dread most to encounter. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking, a bonnet, etc. + + +HASTINGS. (Introducing them.) Miss Hardcastle, Mr. Marlow. I’m +proud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to +know, to esteem each other. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Now for meeting my modest gentleman with a +demure face, and quite in his own manner. (After a pause, in which he +appears very uneasy and disconcerted.) I’m glad of your safe arrival, +sir. I’m told you had some accidents by the way. + +MARLOW. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good many +accidents, but should be sorry--madam--or rather glad of any +accidents--that are so agreeably concluded. Hem! + +HASTINGS. (To him.) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep +it up, and I’ll insure you the victory. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen so +much of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure +corner of the country. + +MARLOW. (Gathering courage.) I have lived, indeed, in the world, +madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but an +observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it. + +MISS NEVILLE. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last. + +HASTINGS. (To him.) Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and you +are confirmed in assurance for ever. + +MARLOW. (To him.) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I’m down, throw +in a word or two, to set me up again. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. An observer, like you, upon life were, I fear, +disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censure +than to approve. + +MARLOW. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The +folly of most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness. + +HASTINGS. (To him.) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole +life. Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are going +to be very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass +the interview. + +MARLOW. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all +things. (To him.) Zounds! George, sure you won’t go? how can you +leave us? + +HASTINGS. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we’ll retire to +the next room. (To him.) You don’t consider, man, that we are to +manage a little tete-a-tete of our own. [Exeunt.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (after a pause). But you have not been wholly an +observer, I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed some +part of your addresses. + +MARLOW. (Relapsing into timidity.) Pardon me, madam, I--I--I--as yet +have studied--only--to--deserve them. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain +them. + +MARLOW. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the more +grave and sensible part of the sex. But I’m afraid I grow tiresome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as +grave conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed, I have +often been surprised how a man of sentiment could ever admire those +light airy pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart. + +MARLOW. It’s----a disease----of the mind, madam. In the variety of +tastes there must be some who, wanting a relish----for----um--a--um. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you, sir. There must be some, who, +wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they +are incapable of tasting. + +MARLOW. My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And I +can’t help observing----a---- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Who could ever suppose this fellow +impudent upon some occasions? (To him.) You were going to observe, +sir---- + +MARLOW. I was observing, madam--I protest, madam, I forget what I was +going to observe. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I vow and so do I. (To him.) You were +observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy--something about +hypocrisy, sir. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon +strict inquiry do not--a--a--a-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you perfectly, sir. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! and that’s more than I do myself. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few +that do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think +they pay every debt to virtue when they praise it. + +MARLOW. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have +least of it in their bosoms. But I’m sure I tire you, madam. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Not in the least, sir; there’s something so +agreeable and spirited in your manner, such life and force--pray, sir, +go on. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was saying----that there are some occasions, +when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the----and puts +us----upon a--a--a-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I agree with you entirely; a want of courage upon +some occasions assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when +we most want to excel. I beg you’ll proceed. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. Morally speaking, madam--But I see Miss Neville +expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably +entertained in all my life. Pray go on. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam, I was----But she beckons us to join her. Madam, +shall I do myself the honour to attend you? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Well, then, I’ll follow. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. +[Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone.) Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober, +sentimental interview? I’m certain he scarce looked in my face the +whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is +pretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, +that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a +little confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of +service. But who is that somebody?--That, faith, is a question I can +scarce answer. [Exit.] + + +Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. + + +TONY. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you’re not +ashamed to be so very engaging. + +MISS NEVILLE. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one’s own relations, +and not be to blame. + +TONY. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me, +though; but it won’t do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won’t do; so I beg +you’ll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [She +follows, coquetting him to the back scene.] + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very +entertaining. There’s nothing in the world I love to talk of so much +as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. + +HASTINGS. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I +concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. +James’s, or Tower Wharf. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O! sir, you’re only pleased to say so. We country +persons can have no manner at all. I’m in love with the town, and that +serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can +have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, +the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I +can do is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every +tete-a-tete from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as +they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane. +Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings? + +HASTINGS. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. Your +friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I protest, I dressed it myself from a print in the +Ladies’ Memorandum-book for the last year. + +HASTINGS. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house would +draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a City Ball. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such +thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little +particular, or one may escape in the crowd. + +HASTINGS. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. +(Bowing.) + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a +piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will +never argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted +him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to +plaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder. + +HASTINGS. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are +none ugly, so among the men there are none old. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his +usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig, +to convert it into a tete for my own wearing. + +HASTINGS. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and +it must become you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most +fashionable age about town? + +HASTINGS. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I’m told the +ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the +fashion. + +HASTINGS. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she’s past forty. +For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a +child, as a mere maker of samplers. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, +and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. + +HASTINGS. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of +yours, I should presume? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. +Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as +if they were man and wife already. (To them.) Well, Tony, child, what +soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? + +TONY. I have been saying no soft things; but that it’s very hard to be +followed about so. Ecod! I’ve not a place in the house now that’s left +to myself, but the stable. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He’s in another story +behind your back. + +MISS NEVILLE. There’s something generous in my cousin’s manner. He +falls out before faces to be forgiven in private. + +TONY. That’s a damned confounded--crack. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he’s a sly one. Don’t you think they are like +each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. +They’re of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings +may see you. Come, Tony. + +TONY. You had as good not make me, I tell you. (Measuring.) + +MISS NEVILLE. O lud! he has almost cracked my head. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and +behave so! + +TONY. If I’m a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I’ll not be made a +fool of no longer. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I’m to get for the +pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your +cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that +waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, +and weep while the receipt was operating? + +TONY. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever +since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete +Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through +Quincy next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I’ll not be made a fool of +no longer. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Wasn’t it all for your good, viper? Wasn’t it all +for your good? + +TONY. I wish you’d let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way +when I’m in spirits. If I’m to have any good, let it come of itself; +not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. That’s false; I never see you when you’re in +spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I’m never +to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster! + +TONY. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my +heart, I see he does. + +HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a +little. I’m certain I can persuade him to his duty. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You +see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor +woman so plagued with a dear sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy? +[Exeunt MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE.] + +TONY. (Singing.) “There was a young man riding by, and fain would +have his will. Rang do didlo dee.”----Don’t mind her. Let her cry. +It’s the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a +book for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better +the more it made them cry. + +HASTINGS. Then you’re no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty +young gentleman? + +TONY. That’s as I find ’um. + +HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother’s choosing, I dare answer? And +yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. + +TONY. That’s because you don’t know her as well as I. Ecod! I know +every inch about her; and there’s not a more bitter cantankerous toad +in all Christendom. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) Pretty encouragement this for a lover! + +TONY. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many +tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day’s breaking. + +HASTINGS. To me she appears sensible and silent. + +TONY. Ay, before company. But when she’s with her playmate, she’s as +loud as a hog in a gate. + +HASTINGS. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me. + +TONY. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you’re +flung in a ditch. + +HASTINGS. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.--Yes, you must +allow her some beauty. + +TONY. Bandbox! She’s all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see +Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she +has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit +cushion. She’d make two of she. + +HASTINGS. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter +bargain off your hands? + +TONY. Anon. + +HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave +you to happiness and your dear Betsy? + +TONY. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her? + +HASTINGS. I am he. If you but assist me, I’ll engage to whip her off +to France, and you shall never hear more of her. + +TONY. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I’ll +clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a +twinkling, and may he get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, +that you little dream of. + +HASTINGS. My dear ’squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. + +TONY. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you +have done with me. + +(Singing.) +“We are the boys +That fears no noise +Where the thundering cannons roar.” [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, alone. + + +HARDCASTLE. What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending +his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most +impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken +possession of the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took off his +boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I’m +desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She will +certainly be shocked at it. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. + + +HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I +bade you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your +commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their +propriety. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, +particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover +to-day. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and +I find the original exceeds the description. + +HARDCASTLE. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite +confounded all my faculties! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world +too! + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, he learned it all abroad--what a fool was I, to think +a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn +wit at a masquerade. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. It seems all natural to him. + +HARDCASTLE. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French +dancing-master. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-master +could never have taught him that timid look--that awkward address--that +bashful manner-- + +HARDCASTLE. Whose look? whose manner, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow’s: his mauvaise honte, his timidity, +struck me at the first sight. + +HARDCASTLE. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of +the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so +modest. + +HARDCASTLE. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, +swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a +stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground. + +HARDCASTLE. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a +familiarity that made my blood freeze again. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured +the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never +laughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room +with a bow, and “Madam, I would not for the world detain you.” + +HARDCASTLE. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; +asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my +best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of +the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good +hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a +maker of punch! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. One of us must certainly be mistaken. + +HARDCASTLE. If he be what he has shown himself, I’m determined he +shall never have my consent. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall +never have mine. + +HARDCASTLE. In one thing then we are agreed--to reject him. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes: but upon conditions. For if you should find him +less impudent, and I more presuming--if you find him more respectful, +and I more importunate--I don’t know--the fellow is well enough for a +man--Certainly, we don’t meet many such at a horse-race in the country. + +HARDCASTLE. If we should find him so----But that’s impossible. The +first appearance has done my business. I’m seldom deceived in that. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And yet there may be many good qualities under that +first appearance. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow’s outside to her taste, she +then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth +face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment +to my good sense, won’t end with a sneer at my understanding? + +HARDCASTLE. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art +of reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to +make further discoveries? + +HARDCASTLE. Agreed. But depend on’t I’m in the right. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And depend on’t I’m not much in the wrong. +[Exeunt.] + + +Enter Tony, running in with a casket. + + +TONY. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con’s +necklaces, bobs and all. My mother shan’t cheat the poor souls out of +their fortin neither. O! my genus, is that you? + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I +hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that +you are willing to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshed +in a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. + +TONY. And here’s something to bear your charges by the way (giving the +casket); your sweetheart’s jewels. Keep them: and hang those, I say, +that would rob you of one of them. + +HASTINGS. But how have you procured them from your mother? + +TONY. Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs. I procured them +by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother’s +bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man +may rob himself of his own at any time. + +HASTINGS. Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you; Miss +Neville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very +instant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of +obtaining them. + +TONY. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know how +it will be well enough; she’d as soon part with the only sound tooth in +her head. + +HASTINGS. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds +she has lost them. + +TONY. Never you mind her resentment, leave ME to manage that. I +don’t value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they +are. Morrice! Prance! [Exit HASTINGS.] + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you +want jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years +hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. + +MISS NEVILLE. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainly +improve it at twenty, madam. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural +blush is beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite +out at present. Don’t you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my +Lady Kill-daylight, and Mrs. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their +jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back. + +MISS NEVILLE. But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall be +nameless would like me best with all my little finery about me? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, with +such a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, +Tony, my dear? does your cousin Con. want any jewels in your eyes to +set off her beauty? + +TONY. That’s as thereafter may be. + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table-cut things. +They would make you look like the court of King Solomon at a +puppet-show. Besides, I believe, I can’t readily come at them. They +may be missing, for aught I know to the contrary. + +TONY. (Apart to MRS. HARDCASTLE.) Then why don’t you tell her so at +once, as she’s so longing for them? Tell her they’re lost. It’s the +only way to quiet her. Say they’re lost, and call me to bear witness. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Apart to TONY.) You know, my dear, I’m only +keeping them for you. So if I say they’re gone, you’ll bear me +witness, will you? He! he! he! + +TONY. Never fear me. Ecod! I’ll say I saw them taken out with my own +eyes. + +MISS NEVILLE. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be +permitted to show them as relics, and then they may be locked up +again. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I could +find them you should have them. They’re missing, I assure you. Lost, +for aught I know; but we must have patience wherever they are. + +MISS NEVILLE. I’ll not believe it! this is but a shallow pretence to +deny me. I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as +you are to answer for the loss-- + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Don’t be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I must +restore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to +be found. + +TONY. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be +found; I’ll take my oath on’t. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we +lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how +calm I am. + +MISS NEVILLE. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of +others. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a +thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the mean +time you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. + +MISS NEVILLE. I detest garnets. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. The most becoming things in the world to set off a +clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You +SHALL have them. [Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. I dislike them of all things. You shan’t stir.--Was +ever anything so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to +wear her trumpery? + +TONY. Don’t be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you +can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of +her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he’ll tell +you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear cousin! + +TONY. Vanish. She’s here, and has missed them already. [Exit MISS +NEVILLE.] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catherine +wheel. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Confusion! thieves! robbers! we are cheated, +plundered, broke open, undone. + +TONY. What’s the matter, what’s the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has +happened to any of the good family! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. We are robbed. My bureau has been broken open, the +jewels taken out, and I’m undone. + +TONY. Oh! is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it +acted better in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, +ha! ha! ha! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Why, boy, I AM ruined in earnest. My bureau has been +broken open, and all taken away. + +TONY. Stick to that: ha! ha! ha! stick to that. I’ll bear witness, +you know; call me to bear witness. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I tell you, Tony, by all that’s precious, the jewels +are gone, and I shall be ruined for ever. + +TONY. Sure I know they’re gone, and I’m to say so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They’re gone, I say. + +TONY. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha! ha! I know +who took them well enough, ha! ha! ha! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can’t tell the +difference between jest and earnest? I tell you I’m not in jest, +booby. + +TONY. That’s right, that’s right; you must be in a bitter passion, and +then nobody will suspect either of us. I’ll bear witness that they are +gone. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that +won’t hear me? Can you bear witness that you’re no better than a +fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and +thieves on the other? + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I’ll turn +you out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her? +Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress? + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Do you insult me, monster? I’ll teach you to vex +your mother, I will. + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him.] + + +Enter Miss HARDCASTLE and Maid. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of +mine, to send them to the house as an inn! ha! ha! I don’t wonder at +his impudence. + +MAID. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by +in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He mistook +you for the bar-maid, madam. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did he? Then as I live, I’m resolved to keep up the +delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don’t +you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem? + +MAID. It’s the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but +when she visits or receives company. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And are you sure he does not remember my face or +person? + +MAID. Certain of it. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I vow, I thought so; for, though we spoke for some +time together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up +during the interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him +from seeing me. + +MAID. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. In the first place I shall be seen, and that is no +small advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall +perhaps make an acquaintance, and that’s no small victory gained over +one who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief +aim is, to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisible +champion of romance, examine the giant’s force before I offer to +combat. + +MAID. But you are sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice +so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar +cant--Did your honour call?--Attend the Lion there--Pipes and tobacco +for the Angel.--The Lamb has been outrageous this half-hour. + +MAID. It will do, madam. But he’s here. [Exit MAID.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce a +moment’s repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and +his story: if I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her +curtsey down to the ground. I have at last got a moment to myself, and +now for recollection. [Walks and muses.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did you call, sir? Did your honour call? + +MARLOW. (Musing.) As for Miss Hardcastle, she’s too grave and +sentimental for me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did your honour call? (She still places herself +before him, he turning away.) + +MARLOW. No, child. (Musing.) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, +I think she squints. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. + +MARLOW. No, no. (Musing.) I have pleased my father, however, by +coming down, and I’ll to-morrow please myself by returning. [Taking +out his tablets, and perusing.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir? + +MARLOW. I tell you, no. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a +parcel of servants! + +MARLOW. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face.) Yes, child, I +think I did call. I wanted--I wanted--I vow, child, you are vastly +handsome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O la, sir, you’ll make one ashamed. + +MARLOW. Never saw a more sprightly malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, +I did call. Have you got any of your--a--what d’ye call it in the +house? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days. + +MARLOW. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. +Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of a trial, of the +nectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that too. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Nectar! nectar! That’s a liquor there’s no call for +in these parts. French, I suppose. We sell no French wines here, sir. + +MARLOW. Of true English growth, I assure you. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it’s odd I should not know it. We brew all +sorts of wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen +years. + +MARLOW. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar +before you were born. How old are you? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and +music should never be dated. + +MARLOW. To guess at this distance, you can’t be much above forty +(approaching). Yet, nearer, I don’t think so much (approaching). By +coming close to some women they look younger still; but when we come +very close indeed--(attempting to kiss her). + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you +wanted to know one’s age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth. + +MARLOW. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at +this distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no +such acquaintance, not I. I’m sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, +that was here awhile ago, in this obstropalous manner. I’ll warrant +me, before her you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and +talked, for all the world, as if you was before a justice of peace. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad, she has hit it, sure enough! (To her.) In +awe of her, child? Ha! ha! ha! A mere awkward squinting thing; no, +no. I find you don’t know me. I laughed and rallied her a little; but +I was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse +me! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the +ladies? + +MARLOW. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet hang me, I don’t see +what they find in me to follow. At the Ladies’ Club in town I’m called +their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one +I’m known by. My name is Solomons; Mr. Solomons, my dear, at your +service. (Offering to salute her.) + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Hold, sir; you are introducing me to your club, not +to yourself. And you’re so great a favourite there, you say? + +MARLOW. Yes, my dear. There’s Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the +Countess of Sligo, Mrs. Langhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your +humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it’s a very merry place, I suppose? + +MARLOW. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, and old women can make +us. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And their agreeable Rattle, ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! I don’t quite like this chit. She looks +knowing, methinks. You laugh, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I can’t but laugh, to think what time they all have +for minding their work or their family. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) All’s well; she don’t laugh at me. (To her.) Do +you ever work, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure. There’s not a screen or quilt in the +whole house but what can bear witness to that. + +MARLOW. Odso! then you must show me your embroidery. I embroider and +draw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, you +must apply to me. (Seizing her hand.) + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, but the colours do not look well by candlelight. +You shall see all in the morning. (Struggling.) + +MARLOW. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the +power of resistance.--Pshaw! the father here! My old luck: I never +nicked seven that I did not throw ames ace three times following. +[Exit MARLOW.] + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in surprise. + + +HARDCASTLE. So, madam. So, I find THIS is your MODEST lover. This is +your humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only +adored at humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to deceive +your father so? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never trust me, dear papa, but he’s still the modest +man I first took him for; you’ll be convinced of it as well as I. + +HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, I believe his impudence is +infectious! Didn’t I see him seize your hand? Didn’t I see him haul +you about like a milkmaid? And now you talk of his respect and his +modesty, forsooth! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that he +has only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that +will improve with age, I hope you’ll forgive him. + +HARDCASTLE. The girl would actually make one run mad! I tell you, +I’ll not be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarce been three hours +in the house, and he has already encroached on all my prerogatives. +You may like his impudence, and call it modesty; but my son-in-law, +madam, must have very different qualifications. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you. + +HARDCASTLE. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts of +turning him out this very hour. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, an hour let it be then. But I’ll have no trifling +with your father. All fair and open, do you mind me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, you have ever found that I considered +your commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty as +yet has been inclination. [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +HASTINGS. You surprise me; Sir Charles Marlow expected here this +night! Where have you had your information? + +MISS NEVILLE. You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr. +Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hours +after his son. + +HASTINGS. Then, my Constance, all must be completed before he +arrives. He knows me; and should he find me here, would discover my +name, and perhaps my designs, to the rest of the family. + +MISS NEVILLE. The jewels, I hope, are safe? + +HASTINGS. Yes, yes, I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the keys of +our baggage. In the mean time, I’ll go to prepare matters for our +elopement. I have had the ’squire’s promise of a fresh pair of horses; +and if I should not see him again, will write him further directions. +[Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. Well! success attend you. In the mean time I’ll go and +amuse my aunt with the old pretence of a violent passion for my cousin. +[Exit.] + + +Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant. + + +MARLOW. I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so valuable a +thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I have +is the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door. Have you deposited the +casket with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into her +own hands? + +SERVANT. Yes, your honour. + +MARLOW. She said she’d keep it safe, did she? + +SERVANT. Yes, she said she’d keep it safe enough; she asked me how I +came by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me give an +account of myself. [Exit Servant.] + +MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! They’re safe, however. What an unaccountable set +of beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid though runs in my +head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of +the family. She’s mine, she must be mine, or I’m greatly mistaken. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended to +prepare at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits too! + +MARLOW. Give me joy, George! Crown me, shadow me with laurels! +Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don’t want for success +among the women. + +HASTINGS. Some women, you mean. But what success has your honour’s +modesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us? + +MARLOW. Didn’t you see the tempting, brisk, lovely little thing, that +runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle? + +HASTINGS. Well, and what then? + +MARLOW. She’s mine, you rogue you. Such fire, such motion, such +eyes, such lips; but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though. + +HASTINGS. But are you so sure, so very sure of her? + +MARLOW. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, and +I am to improve the pattern. + +HASTINGS. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of her +honour? + +MARLOW. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the bar-maid of an +inn. I don’t intend to rob her, take my word for it; there’s nothing +in this house I shan’t honestly pay for. + +HASTINGS. I believe the girl has virtue. + +MARLOW. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that +would attempt to corrupt it. + +HASTINGS. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to +lock up? Is it in safety? + +MARLOW. Yes, yes. It’s safe enough. I have taken care of it. But +how could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door a place of +safety? Ah! numskull! I have taken better precautions for you than +you did for yourself----I have---- + +HASTINGS. What? + +MARLOW. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you. + +HASTINGS. To the landlady! + +MARLOW. The landlady. + +HASTINGS. You did? + +MARLOW. I did. She’s to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know. + +HASTINGS. Yes, she’ll bring it forth with a witness. + +MARLOW. Wasn’t I right? I believe you’ll allow that I acted +prudently upon this occasion. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) He must not see my uneasiness. + +MARLOW. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure +nothing has happened? + +HASTINGS. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life. +And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily +undertook the charge. + +MARLOW. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, +through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. Ha! +ha! ha! + +HASTINGS. He! he! he! They’re safe, however. + +MARLOW. As a guinea in a miser’s purse. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) So now all hopes of fortune are at an end, and we +must set off without it. (To him.) Well, Charles, I’ll leave you to +your meditations on the pretty bar-maid, and, he! he! he! may you be as +successful for yourself, as you have been for me! [Exit.] + +MARLOW. Thank ye, George: I ask no more. Ha! ha! ha! + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. I no longer know my own house. It’s turned all +topsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I’ll bear it no +longer; and yet, from my respect for his father, I’ll be calm. (To +him.) Mr. Marlow, your servant. I’m your very humble servant. +(Bowing low.) + +MARLOW. Sir, your humble servant. (Aside.) What’s to be the wonder +now? + +HARDCASTLE. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man +alive ought to be more welcome than your father’s son, sir. I hope you +think so? + +MARLOW. I do from my soul, sir. I don’t want much entreaty. I +generally make my father’s son welcome wherever he goes. + +HARDCASTLE. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I say +nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. +Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, +I assure you. + +MARLOW. I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine. If +they don’t drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them not +to spare the cellar. I did, I assure you. (To the side scene.) Here, +let one of my servants come up. (To him.) My positive directions +were, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for my +deficiencies below. + +HARDCASTLE. Then they had your orders for what they do? I’m +satisfied! + +MARLOW. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of +themselves. + + +Enter Servant, drunk. + + +MARLOW. You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders? +Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, +for the good of the house? + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I begin to lose my patience. + +JEREMY. Please your honour, liberty and Fleet-street for ever! +Though I’m but a servant, I’m as good as another man. I’ll drink for +no man before supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will sit upon a good +supper, but a good supper will not sit upon----hiccup----on my +conscience, sir. + +MARLOW. You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he can +possibly be. I don’t know what you’d have more, unless you’d have the +poor devil soused in a beer-barrel. + +HARDCASTLE. Zounds! he’ll drive me distracted, if I contain myself any +longer. Mr. Marlow--Sir; I have submitted to your insolence for more +than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I’m +now resolved to be master here, sir; and I desire that you and your +drunken pack may leave my house directly. + +MARLOW. Leave your house!----Sure you jest, my good friend! What? +when I’m doing what I can to please you. + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, you don’t please me; so I desire you’ll +leave my house. + +MARLOW. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o’ night, and such a +night? You only mean to banter me. + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, I’m serious! and now that my passions are +roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I +command you to leave it directly. + +MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan’t stir a step, I +assure you. (In a serious tone.) This your house, fellow! It’s my +house. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What right +have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such +impudence, curse me; never in my whole life before. + +HARDCASTLE. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to my house, to +call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the +family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, “This +house is mine, sir.” By all that’s impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha! +ha! ha! Pray, sir (bantering), as you take the house, what think you +of taking the rest of the furniture? There’s a pair of silver +candlesticks, and there’s a fire-screen, and here’s a pair of +brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may take a fancy to them? + +MARLOW. Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let’s make no +more words about it. + +HARDCASTLE. There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the +Rake’s Progress, for your own apartment? + +MARLOW. Bring me your bill, I say; and I’ll leave you and your +infernal house directly. + +HARDCASTLE. Then there’s a mahogany table that you may see your own +face in. + +MARLOW. My bill, I say. + +HARDCASTLE. I had forgot the great chair for your own particular +slumbers, after a hearty meal. + +MARLOW. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let’s hear no more on’t. + +HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man, from your father’s letter to me, I +was taught to expect a well-bred modest man as a visitor here, but now +I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down +here presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit.] + +MARLOW. How’s this? Sure I have not mistaken the house. Everything +looks like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the attendance is +awkward; the bar-maid, too, to attend us. But she’s here, and will +further inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Let it be short, then. I’m in a hurry. (Aside.) I +believe he begins to find out his mistake. But it’s too soon quite to +undeceive him. + +MARLOW. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what +may your business in this house be? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. A relation of the family, sir. + +MARLOW. What, a poor relation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep the +keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. + +MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law----what brought that in your head? One +of the best families in the country keep an inn--Ha! ha! ha! old Mr. +Hardcastle’s house an inn! + +MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle’s house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle’s house, +child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be? + +MARLOW. So then, all’s out, and I have been damnably imposed on. O, +confound my stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the whole town. I +shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The DULLISSIMO +MACCARONI. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and my +father’s old friend for an innkeeper! What a swaggering puppy must he +take me for! What a silly puppy do I find myself! There again, may I +be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Dear me! dear me! I’m sure there’s nothing in my +BEHAVIOUR to put me on a level with one of that stamp. + +MARLOW. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of +blunders, and could not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw +everything the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, and +your simplicity for allurement. But it’s over. This house I no more +show MY face in. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you. +I’m sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been so +polite, and said so many civil things to me. I’m sure I should be +sorry (pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my account. I’m +sure I should be sorry if people said anything amiss, since I have no +fortune but my character. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) By Heaven! she weeps. This is the first mark of +tenderness I ever had from a modest woman, and it touches me. (To +her.) Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the family I +leave with reluctance. But to be plain with you, the difference of our +birth, fortune, and education, makes an honourable connexion +impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of seducing simplicity +that trusted in my honour, of bringing ruin upon one whose only fault +was being too lovely. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Generous man! I now begin to admire him. +(To him.) But I am sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle’s; and +though I’m poor, that’s no great misfortune to a contented mind; and, +until this moment, I never thought that it was bad to want fortune. + +MARLOW. And why now, my pretty simplicity? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Because it puts me at a distance from one that, if I +had a thousand pounds, I would give it all to. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This simplicity bewitches me, so that if I stay, I’m +undone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her. (To her.) Your +partiality in my favour, my dear, touches me most sensibly: and were I +to live for myself alone, I could easily fix my choice. But I owe too +much to the opinion of the world, too much to the authority of a +father; so that--I can scarcely speak it--it affects me. Farewell. +[Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till now. He shall not +go, if I have power or art to detain him. I’ll still preserve the +character in which I STOOPED TO CONQUER; but will undeceive my papa, +who perhaps may laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit.] + + +Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE. + + +TONY. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have done my +duty. She has got the jewels again, that’s a sure thing; but she +believes it was all a mistake of the servants. + +MISS NEVILLE. But, my dear cousin, sure you won’t forsake us in this +distress? If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall +certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree’s, which is ten +times worse. + +TONY. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things. But what +can I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like +Whistle-jacket; and I’m sure you can’t say but I have courted you +nicely before her face. Here she comes, we must court a bit or two +more, for fear she should suspect us. [They retire, and seem to +fondle.] + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. But my +son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan’t be easy, +however, till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her own +fortune. But what do I see? fondling together, as I’m alive. I never +saw Tony so sprightly before. Ah! have I caught you, my pretty doves? +What, billing, exchanging stolen glances and broken murmurs? Ah! + +TONY. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to be +sure. But there’s no love lost between us. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make +it burn brighter. + +MISS NEVILLE. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at +home. Indeed, he shan’t leave us any more. It won’t leave us, cousin +Tony, will it? + +TONY. O! it’s a pretty creature. No, I’d sooner leave my horse in a +pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you +so becoming. + +MISS NEVILLE. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that natural +humour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless (patting his cheek)--ah! +it’s a bold face. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pretty innocence! + +TONY. I’m sure I always loved cousin Con.’s hazle eyes, and her +pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the +haspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree. I was +never so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr. +Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con., shall be yours +incontinently. You shall have them. Isn’t he a sweet boy, my dear? +You shall be married to-morrow, and we’ll put off the rest of his +education, like Dr. Drowsy’s sermons, to a fitter opportunity. + + +Enter DIGGORY. + + +DIGGORY. Where’s the ’squire? I have got a letter for your worship. + +TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. + +DIGGORY. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. + +TONY. Who does it come from? + +DIGGORY. Your worship mun ask that o’ the letter itself. + +TONY. I could wish to know though (turning the letter, and gazing on +it). + +MISS NEVILLE. (Aside.) Undone! undone! A letter to him from +Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for +ever. I’ll keep her employed a little if I can. (To MRS. +HARDCASTLE.) But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin’s smart +answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed.--You must know, +madam.--This way a little, for he must not hear us. [They confer.] + +TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned cramp piece of penmanship, as ever I +saw in my life. I can read your print hand very well. But here are +such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head +from the tail.--“To Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire.” It’s very odd, I can +read the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough; but +when I come to open it, it’s all----buzz. That’s hard, very hard; for +the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was +too hard for the philosopher. + +MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A +little more this way, or he may hear us. You’ll hear how he puzzled +him again. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. + +TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned up and down hand, as if it was +disguised in liquor.--(Reading.) Dear Sir,--ay, that’s that. Then +there’s an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or +an R, confound me, I cannot tell. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. What’s that, my dear? Can I give you any +assistance? + +MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand +better than I. (Twitching the letter from him.) Do you know who it is +from? + +TONY. Can’t tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder. + +MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read.) Dear ’Squire, +hoping that you’re in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen +of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out of +feather. The odds--um--odd battle--um--long fighting--um--here, here, +it’s all about cocks and fighting; it’s of no consequence; here, put it +up, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him.) + +TONY. But I tell you, miss, it’s of all the consequence in the world. +I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you +make it out. Of no consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the letter.) + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. How’s this?--(Reads.) “Dear ’Squire, I’m now +waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom of +the garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I +expect you’ll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. +Dispatch is necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, will +otherwise suspect us! Yours, Hastings.” Grant me patience. I shall +run distracted! My rage chokes me. + +MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you’ll suspend your resentment for a few +moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, +that belongs to another. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low.) Fine spoken, madam, you are +most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of +courtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone.) And you, you +great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth +shut: were you, too, joined against me? But I’ll defeat all your plots +in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh +horses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, +instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to +run off with ME. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I’ll +warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the +way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I’ll show you, that I wish you +better than you do yourselves. [Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. So now I’m completely ruined. + +TONY. Ay, that’s a sure thing. + +MISS NEVILLE. What better could be expected from being connected with +such a stupid fool,--and after all the nods and signs I made him? + +TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my +stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with +your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be +making believe. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown my +letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman? + +TONY. Here’s another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was +her doing, not mine. + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. So I have been finely used here among you. Rendered +contemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. + +TONY. Here’s another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose +presently. + +MISS NEVILLE. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe +every obligation. + +MARLOW. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance +and age are a protection? + +HASTINGS. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace +correction. + +MISS NEVILLE. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself +merry with all our embarrassments. + +HASTINGS. An insensible cub. + +MARLOW. Replete with tricks and mischief. + +TONY. Baw! damme, but I’ll fight you both, one after the +other----with baskets. + +MARLOW. As for him, he’s below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. +Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would +not undeceive me. + +HASTINGS. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time +for explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. + +MARLOW. But, sir---- + +MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was +too late to undeceive you. + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. My mistress desires you’ll get ready immediately, madam. The +horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We +are to go thirty miles before morning. [Exit Servant.] + +MISS NEVILLE. Well, well: I’ll come presently. + +MARLOW. (To HASTINGS.) Was it well done, sir, to assist in rendering +me ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? +Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. + +HASTINGS. Was it well done, sir, if you’re upon that subject, to +deliver what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another sir? + +MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will you increase my +distress by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you---- + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. [Exit +Servant.] + +MISS NEVILLE. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, I +shall die with apprehension. + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting. + +MISS NEVILLE. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraint +and ill-nature lies before me, I’m sure it would convert your +resentment into pity. + +MARLOW. I’m so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don’t +know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my +hasty temper, and should not exasperate it. + +HASTINGS. The torture of my situation is my only excuse. + +MISS NEVILLE. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me +that I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years +will but increase the happiness of our future connexion. If---- + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Within.) Miss Neville. Constance, why Constance, I +say. + +MISS NEVILLE. I’m coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy is the +word. [Exit.] + +HASTINGS. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness, +and such happiness! + +MARLOW. (To Tony.) You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your +folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and +even distress. + +TONY. (From a reverie.) Ecod, I have hit it. It’s here. Your +hands. Yours and yours, my poor Sulky!--My boots there, ho!--Meet me +two hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if you don’t find Tony +Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I’ll give you +leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come +along. My boots, ho! [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +(SCENE continued.) + + +Enter HASTINGS and Servant. + + +HASTINGS. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say? + +SERVANT. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post-coach, and the +young ’squire went on horseback. They’re thirty miles off by this +time. + +HASTINGS. Then all my hopes are over. + +SERVANT. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles has arrived. He and the old +gentleman of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow’s mistake this +half hour. They are coming this way. + +HASTINGS. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless +appointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time. +[Exit.] + + +Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth +his sublime commands! + +SIR CHARLES. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your +advances. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common +innkeeper, too. + +SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, +ha! ha! ha! + +HARDCASTLE. Well, I’m in too good spirits to think of anything but +joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our +personal friendships hereditary; and though my daughter’s fortune is +but small-- + +SIR CHARLES. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to ME? My son is +possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a +good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they +like each other, as you say they do-- + +HARDCASTLE. IF, man! I tell you they DO like each other. My +daughter as good as told me so. + +SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know. + +HARDCASTLE. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and +here he comes to put you out of your IFS, I warrant him. + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. +I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. + +HARDCASTLE. Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour or +two’s laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She’ll +never like you the worse for it. + +MARLOW. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation. + +HARDCASTLE. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not +deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You +take me? + +MARLOW. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. + +HARDCASTLE. Come, boy, I’m an old fellow, and know what’s what as well +as you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum. + +MARLOW. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most +profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You +don’t think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest +of the family. + +HARDCASTLE. Impudence! No, I don’t say that--not quite +impudence--though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little +too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. + +MARLOW. I never gave her the slightest cause. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. But +this is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father +and I will like you all the better for it. + +MARLOW. May I die, sir, if I ever---- + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, she don’t dislike you; and as I’m sure you +like her---- + +MARLOW. Dear sir--I protest, sir---- + +HARDCASTLE. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as +the parson can tie you. + +MARLOW. But hear me, sir-- + +HARDCASTLE. Your father approves the match, I admire it; every +moment’s delay will be doing mischief. So-- + +MARLOW. But why won’t you hear me? By all that’s just and true, I +never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even +the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one +interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) This fellow’s formal modest impudence is beyond +bearing. + +SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped her hand, or made any +protestations? + +MARLOW. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your +commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without +reluctance. I hope you’ll exact no farther proofs of my duty, nor +prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many +mortifications. [Exit.] + +SIR CHARLES. I’m astonished at the air of sincerity with which he +parted. + +HARDCASTLE. And I’m astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his +assurance. + +SIR CHARLES. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth. + +HARDCASTLE. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness +upon her veracity. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely and +without reserve: has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and +affection? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. The question is very abrupt, sir. But since you +require unreserved sincerity, I think he has. + +HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + +SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than one +interview? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, several. + +HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + +SIR CHARLES. But did be profess any attachment? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. A lasting one. + +SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Much, sir. + +SIR CHARLES. Amazing! And all this formally? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Formally. + +HARDCASTLE. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. + +SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave, madam? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. As most profest admirers do: said some civil things +of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of +mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with +pretended rapture. + +SIR CHARLES. Now I’m perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his +conversation among women to be modest and submissive: this forward +canting ranting manner by no means describes him; and, I am confident, +he never sat for the picture. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your +face of my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will +place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his +passion to me in person. + +SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my +happiness in him must have an end. [Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And if you don’t find him what I describe--I fear my +happiness must never have a beginning. [Exeunt.] + + +SCENE changes to the back of the Garden. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probably +takes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, +and I’ll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps with +news of my Constance. + + +Enter Tony, booted and spattered. + + +HASTINGS. My honest ’squire! I now find you a man of your word. +This looks like friendship. + +TONY. Ay, I’m your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, +if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the bye, is cursedly +tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach. + +HASTINGS. But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Are +they in safety? Are they housed? + +TONY. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad +driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I’d rather +ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment. + +HASTINGS. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with +impatience. + +TONY. Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found +them? + +HASTINGS. This is a riddle. + +TONY. Riddle me this then. What’s that goes round the house, and +round the house, and never touches the house? + +HASTINGS. I’m still astray. + +TONY. Why, that’s it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, +there’s not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they +can tell the taste of. + +HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! I understand: you took them in a round, while +they supposed themselves going forward, and so you have at last brought +them home again. + +TONY. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed Lane, where +we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of +Up-and-down Hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-tree +Heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in +the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. + +HASTINGS. But no accident, I hope? + +TONY. No, no. Only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks +herself forty miles off. She’s sick of the journey; and the cattle can +scarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with +cousin, and I’ll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow +you. + +HASTINGS. My dear friend, how can I be grateful? + +TONY. Ay, now it’s dear friend, noble ’squire. Just now, it was all +idiot, cub, and run me through the guts. Damn YOUR way of fighting, I +say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and be +friends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should be +dead, and you might go kiss the hangman. + +HASTINGS. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss +Neville: if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of +the young one. [Exit HASTINGS.] + +TONY. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She’s got from the +pond, and draggled up to the waist like a mermaid. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, Tony, I’m killed! Shook! Battered to death. I +shall never survive it. That last jolt, that laid us against the +quickset hedge, has done my business. + +TONY. Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for +running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many +accidents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a +ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose +our way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony? + +TONY. By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about forty +miles from home. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all the +country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on’t. + +TONY. Don’t be afraid, mamma, don’t be afraid. Two of the five that +kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don’t be +afraid.--Is that a man that’s galloping behind us? No; it’s only a +tree.--Don’t be afraid. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. The fright will certainly kill me. + +TONY. Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, death! + +TONY. No; it’s only a cow. Don’t be afraid, mamma; don’t be afraid. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. As I’m alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. +Ah! I’m sure on’t. If he perceives us, we are undone. + +TONY. (Aside.) Father-in-law, by all that’s unlucky, come to take one +of his night walks. (To her.) Ah, it’s a highwayman with pistols as +long as my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Good Heaven defend us! He approaches. + +TONY. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage +him. If there be any danger, I’ll cough, and cry hem. When I cough, +be sure to keep close. (MRS. HARDCASTLE hides behind a tree in the +back scene.) + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. I’m mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of +help. Oh, Tony! is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are +your mother and her charge in safety? + +TONY. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree’s. Hem. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Ah, death! I find there’s danger. + +HARDCASTLE. Forty miles in three hours; sure that’s too much, my +youngster. + +TONY. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. +Hem. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Sure he’ll do the dear boy no harm. + +HARDCASTLE. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from +whence it came. + +TONY. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty +miles in four hours was very good going. Hem. As to be sure it was. +Hem. I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We’ll go in, +if you please. Hem. + +HARDCASTLE. But if you talked to yourself you did not answer +yourself. I’m certain I heard two voices, and am resolved (raising his +voice) to find the other out. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Oh! he’s coming to find me out. Oh! + +TONY. What need you go, sir, if I tell you? Hem. I’ll lay down my +life for the truth--hem--I’ll tell you all, sir. [Detaining him.] + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you I will not be detained. I insist on seeing. +It’s in vain to expect I’ll believe you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Running forward from behind.) O lud! he’ll murder +my poor boy, my darling! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me. +Take my money, my life, but spare that young gentleman; spare my child, +if you have any mercy. + +HARDCASTLE. My wife, as I’m a Christian. From whence can she come? or +what does she mean? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Kneeling.) Take compassion on us, good Mr. +Highwayman. Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare our +lives. We will never bring you to justice; indeed we won’t, good Mr. +Highwayman. + +HARDCASTLE. I believe the woman’s out of her senses. What, Dorothy, +don’t you know ME? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Mr. Hardcastle, as I’m alive! My fears blinded me. +But who, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this +frightful place, so far from home? What has brought you to follow us? + +HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits? So far from +home, when you are within forty yards of your own door! (To him.) +This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you. (To her.) +Don’t you know the gate, and the mulberry-tree; and don’t you remember +the horse-pond, my dear? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yes, I shall remember the horse-pond as long as I +live; I have caught my death in it. (To TONY.) And it is to you, you +graceless varlet, I owe all this? I’ll teach you to abuse your mother, +I will. + +TONY. Ecod, mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so +you may take the fruits on’t. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I’ll spoil you, I will. [Follows him off the stage. +Exit.] + +HARDCASTLE. There’s morality, however, in his reply. [Exit.] + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +HASTINGS. My dear Constance, why will you deliberate thus? If we +delay a moment, all is lost for ever. Pluck up a little resolution, +and we shall soon be out of the reach of her malignity. + +MISS NEVILLE. I find it impossible. My spirits are so sunk with the +agitations I have suffered, that I am unable to face any new danger. +Two or three years’ patience will at last crown us with happiness. + +HASTINGS. Such a tedious delay is worse than inconstancy. Let us fly, +my charmer. Let us date our happiness from this very moment. Perish +fortune! Love and content will increase what we possess beyond a +monarch’s revenue. Let me prevail! + +MISS NEVILLE. No, Mr. Hastings, no. Prudence once more comes to my +relief, and I will obey its dictates. In the moment of passion fortune +may be despised, but it ever produces a lasting repentance. I’m +resolved to apply to Mr. Hardcastle’s compassion and justice for +redress. + +HASTINGS. But though he had the will, he has not the power to relieve +you. + +MISS NEVILLE. But he has influence, and upon that I am resolved to +rely. + +HASTINGS. I have no hopes. But since you persist, I must reluctantly +obey you. [Exeunt.] + + +SCENE changes. + + +Enter SIR CHARLES and MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +SIR CHARLES. What a situation am I in! If what you say appears, I +shall then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall then +lose one that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I am proud of your approbation, and to show I merit +it, if you place yourselves as I directed, you shall hear his explicit +declaration. But he comes. + +SIR CHARLES. I’ll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. +[Exit SIR CHARLES.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to take +leave; nor did I, till this moment, know the pain I feel in the +separation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (In her own natural manner.) I believe sufferings +cannot be very great, sir, which you can so easily remove. A day or +two longer, perhaps, might lessen your uneasiness, by showing the +little value of what you now think proper to regret. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This girl every moment improves upon me. (To her.) +It must not be, madam. I have already trifled too long with my heart. +My very pride begins to submit to my passion. The disparity of +education and fortune, the anger of a parent, and the contempt of my +equals, begin to lose their weight; and nothing can restore me to +myself but this painful effort of resolution. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then go, sir: I’ll urge nothing more to detain you. +Though my family be as good as hers you came down to visit, and my +education, I hope, not inferior, what are these advantages without +equal affluence? I must remain contented with the slight approbation +of imputed merit; I must have only the mockery of your addresses, while +all your serious aims are fixed on fortune. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE and SIR CHARLES from behind. + + +SIR CHARLES. Here, behind this screen. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, ay; make no noise. I’ll engage my Kate covers him +with confusion at last. + +MARLOW. By heavens, madam! fortune was ever my smallest +consideration. Your beauty at first caught my eye; for who could see +that without emotion? But every moment that I converse with you steals +in some new grace, heightens the picture, and gives it stronger +expression. What at first seemed rustic plainness, now appears refined +simplicity. What seemed forward assurance, now strikes me as the +result of courageous innocence and conscious virtue. + +SIR CHARLES. What can it mean? He amazes me! + +HARDCASTLE. I told you how it would be. Hush! + +MARLOW. I am now determined to stay, madam; and I have too good an +opinion of my father’s discernment, when he sees you, to doubt his +approbation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No, Mr. Marlow, I will not, cannot detain you. Do +you think I could suffer a connexion in which there is the smallest +room for repentance? Do you think I would take the mean advantage of a +transient passion, to load you with confusion? Do you think I could +ever relish that happiness which was acquired by lessening yours? + +MARLOW. By all that’s good, I can have no happiness but what’s in your +power to grant me! Nor shall I ever feel repentance but in not having +seen your merits before. I will stay even contrary to your wishes; and +though you should persist to shun me, I will make my respectful +assiduities atone for the levity of my past conduct. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I must entreat you’ll desist. As our +acquaintance began, so let it end, in indifference. I might have +given an hour or two to levity; but seriously, Mr. Marlow, do you +think I could ever submit to a connexion where I must appear +mercenary, and you imprudent? Do you think I could ever catch at the +confident addresses of a secure admirer? + +MARLOW. (Kneeling.) Does this look like security? Does this look +like confidence? No, madam, every moment that shows me your merit, +only serves to increase my diffidence and confusion. Here let me +continue---- + +SIR CHARLES. I can hold it no longer. Charles, Charles, how hast thou +deceived me! Is this your indifference, your uninteresting +conversation? + +HARDCASTLE. Your cold contempt; your formal interview! What have you +to say now? + +MARLOW. That I’m all amazement! What can it mean? + +HARDCASTLE. It means that you can say and unsay things at pleasure: +that you can address a lady in private, and deny it in public: that you +have one story for us, and another for my daughter. + +MARLOW. Daughter!--This lady your daughter? + +HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, my only daughter; my Kate; whose else should she +be? + +MARLOW. Oh, the devil! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, that very identical tall squinting lady you +were pleased to take me for (courtseying); she that you addressed as +the mild, modest, sentimental man of gravity, and the bold, forward, +agreeable Rattle of the Ladies’ Club. Ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. Zounds! there’s no bearing this; it’s worse than death! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. In which of your characters, sir, will you give us +leave to address you? As the faltering gentleman, with looks on the +ground, that speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loud +confident creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old Miss +Biddy Buckskin, till three in the morning? Ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. O, curse on my noisy head. I never attempted to be impudent +yet, that I was not taken down. I must be gone. + +HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it was +all a mistake, and I am rejoiced to find it. You shall not, sir, I +tell you. I know she’ll forgive you. Won’t you forgive him, Kate? +We’ll all forgive you. Take courage, man. (They retire, she +tormenting him, to the back scene.) + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and Tony. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. So, so, they’re gone off. Let them go, I care not. + +HARDCASTLE. Who gone? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dutiful niece and her gentleman, Mr. Hastings, +from town. He who came down with our modest visitor here. + +SIR CHARLES. Who, my honest George Hastings? As worthy a fellow as +lives, and the girl could not have made a more prudent choice. + +HARDCASTLE. Then, by the hand of my body, I’m proud of the connexion. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, if he has taken away the lady, he has not +taken her fortune; that remains in this family to console us for her +loss. + +HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you would not be so mercenary? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, that’s my affair, not yours. + +HARDCASTLE. But you know if your son, when of age, refuses to marry +his cousin, her whole fortune is then at her own disposal. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, but he’s not of age, and she has not thought +proper to wait for his refusal. + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) What, returned so soon! I begin not to +like it. + +HASTINGS. (To HARDCASTLE.) For my late attempt to fly off with your +niece let my present confusion be my punishment. We are now come back, +to appeal from your justice to your humanity. By her father’s consent, +I first paid her my addresses, and our passions were first founded in +duty. + +MISS NEVILLE. Since his death, I have been obliged to stoop to +dissimulation to avoid oppression. In an hour of levity, I was ready +to give up my fortune to secure my choice. But I am now recovered from +the delusion, and hope from your tenderness what is denied me from a +nearer connexion. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pshaw, pshaw! this is all but the whining end of a +modern novel. + +HARDCASTLE. Be it what it will, I’m glad they’re come back to reclaim +their due. Come hither, Tony, boy. Do you refuse this lady’s hand +whom I now offer you? + +TONY. What signifies my refusing? You know I can’t refuse her till +I’m of age, father. + +HARDCASTLE. While I thought concealing your age, boy, was likely to +conduce to your improvement, I concurred with your mother’s desire to +keep it secret. But since I find she turns it to a wrong use, I must +now declare you have been of age these three months. + +TONY. Of age! Am I of age, father? + +HARDCASTLE. Above three months. + +TONY. Then you’ll see the first use I’ll make of my liberty. (Taking +MISS NEVILLE’s hand.) Witness all men by these presents, that I, +Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire, of BLANK place, refuse you, Constantia +Neville, spinster, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. So +Constance Neville may marry whom she pleases, and Tony Lumpkin is his +own man again. + +SIR CHARLES. O brave ’squire! + +HASTINGS. My worthy friend! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My undutiful offspring! + +MARLOW. Joy, my dear George! I give you joy sincerely. And could I +prevail upon my little tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should be +the happiest man alive, if you would return me the favour. + +HASTINGS. (To MISS HARDCASTLE.) Come, madam, you are now driven to +the very last scene of all your contrivances. I know you like him, I’m +sure he loves you, and you must and shall have him. + +HARDCASTLE. (Joining their hands.) And I say so too. And, Mr. +Marlow, if she makes as good a wife as she has a daughter, I don’t +believe you’ll ever repent your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrow +we shall gather all the poor of the parish about us, and the mistakes +of the night shall be crowned with a merry morning. So, boy, take her; +and as you have been mistaken in the mistress, my wish is, that you may +never be mistaken in the wife. [Exeunt Omnes.] + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: She Stoops to Conquer<br /> +or, The Mistakes of a Night. A Comedy.</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Oliver Goldsmith</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: December, 1995 [eBook #383]<br /> +[Most recently updated: June 8, 2021]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: G. R. Young and David Widger</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ***</div> + + <h1> + SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by Oliver Goldsmith + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + She Stoops To Conquer; Or, The Mistakes Of A Night. <br /> <br /> A Comedy. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h4> + To Samuel Johnson, LL.D. + </h4> + <p> + Dear Sir,—By inscribing this slight performance to you, I do not + mean so much to compliment you as myself. It may do me some honour to + inform the public, that I have lived many years in intimacy with you. It + may serve the interests of mankind also to inform them, that the greatest + wit may be found in a character, without impairing the most unaffected + piety. + </p> + <p> + I have, particularly, reason to thank you for your partiality to this + performance. The undertaking a comedy not merely sentimental was very + dangerous; and Mr. Colman, who saw this piece in its various stages, + always thought it so. However, I ventured to trust it to the public; and, + though it was necessarily delayed till late in the season, I have every + reason to be grateful. + </p> + <p> + I am, dear Sir, your most sincere friend and admirer, + </p> + <p> + <i>OLIVER GOLDSMITH.</i> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PROL"> PROLOGUE, </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> DRAMATIS PERSONAE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> ACT THE FIRST. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> ACT THE SECOND. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> ACT THE THIRD. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> ACT THE FOURTH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> ACT THE FIFTH. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_PROL" id="link2H_PROL"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + PROLOGUE, + </h2> + <h3> + By David Garrick, Esq. + </h3> + <p> + Enter MR. WOODWARD, dressed in black, and holding a handkerchief to his + eyes. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Excuse me, sirs, I pray—I can’t yet speak— + I’m crying now—and have been all the week. + “’Tis not alone this mourning suit,” good masters: + “I’ve that within”—for which there are no plasters! + Pray, would you know the reason why I’m crying? + The Comic Muse, long sick, is now a-dying! + And if she goes, my tears will never stop; + For as a player, I can’t squeeze out one drop: + I am undone, that’s all—shall lose my bread— + I’d rather, but that’s nothing—lose my head. + When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier, + Shuter and I shall be chief mourners here. + To her a mawkish drab of spurious breed, + Who deals in sentimentals, will succeed! + Poor Ned and I are dead to all intents; + We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments! + Both nervous grown, to keep our spirits up. + We now and then take down a hearty cup. + What shall we do? If Comedy forsake us, + They’ll turn us out, and no one else will take us. + But why can’t I be moral?—Let me try— + My heart thus pressing—fixed my face and eye— + With a sententious look, that nothing means, + (Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes) + Thus I begin: “All is not gold that glitters, + “Pleasure seems sweet, but proves a glass of bitters. + “When Ignorance enters, Folly is at hand: + “Learning is better far than house and land. + “Let not your virtue trip; who trips may stumble, + “And virtue is not virtue, if she tumble.” + + I give it up—morals won’t do for me; + To make you laugh, I must play tragedy. + One hope remains—hearing the maid was ill, + A Doctor comes this night to show his skill. + To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, + He, in Five Draughts prepar’d, presents a potion: + A kind of magic charm—for be assur’d, + If you will swallow it, the maid is cur’d: + But desperate the Doctor, and her case is, + If you reject the dose, and make wry faces! + This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, + No poisonous drugs are mixed in what he gives. + Should he succeed, you’ll give him his degree; + If not, within he will receive no fee! + The College YOU, must his pretensions back, + Pronounce him Regular, or dub him Quack. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MEN. + + SIR CHARLES MARLOW Mr. Gardner. + YOUNG MARLOW (His Son) Mr. Lee Lewes. + HARDCASTLE Mr. Shuter. + HASTINGS Mr. Dubellamy. + TONY LUMPKIN Mr. Quick. + DIGGORY Mr. Saunders. + + WOMEN. + + MRS. HARDCASTLE Mrs. Green. + MISS HARDCASTLE Mrs. Bulkley. + MISS NEVILLE Mrs. Kniveton. + MAID Miss Williams. + + LANDLORD, SERVANTS, Etc. Etc. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT THE FIRST. + </h2> + <p> + SCENE—A Chamber in an old-fashioned House. + </p> + <p> + Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MR. HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you’re very particular. Is there a + creature in the whole country but ourselves, that does not take a trip to + town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There’s the two Miss + Hoggs, and our neighbour Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month’s polishing + every winter. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them the + whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! In my + time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they travel + faster than a stage-coach. Its fopperies come down not only as inside + passengers, but in the very basket. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have been + telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old rumbling + mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we never see + company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the curate’s wife, and + little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all our entertainment + your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of Marlborough. I hate such + old-fashioned trumpery. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And I love it. I love everything that’s old: old friends, old + times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, Dorothy (taking + her hand), you’ll own I have been pretty fond of an old wife. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you’re for ever at your Dorothys + and your old wifes. You may be a Darby, but I’ll be no Joan, I promise + you. I’m not so old as you’d make me, by more than one good year. Add + twenty to twenty, and make money of that. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Let me see; twenty added to twenty makes just fifty and seven. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. It’s false, Mr. Hardcastle; I was but twenty when I was + brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first husband; and + he’s not come to years of discretion yet. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you have taught him + finely. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. No matter. Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My son is not + to live by his learning. I don’t think a boy wants much learning to spend + fifteen hundred a year. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Learning, quotha! a mere composition of tricks and mischief. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Humour, my dear; nothing but humour. Come, Mr. + Hardcastle, you must allow the boy a little humour. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I’d sooner allow him a horse-pond. If burning the footmen’s + shoes, frightening the maids, and worrying the kittens be humour, he has + it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back of my chair, and + when I went to make a bow, I popt my bald head in Mrs. Frizzle’s face. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. And am I to blame? The poor boy was always too sickly to + do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes to be a little + stronger, who knows what a year or two’s Latin may do for him? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. No, no; the alehouse and the + stable are the only schools he’ll ever go to. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for I believe we + shan’t have him long among us. Anybody that looks in his face may see he’s + consumptive. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. He coughs sometimes. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I’m actually afraid of his lungs. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And truly so am I; for he sometimes whoops like a speaking + trumpet—(Tony hallooing behind the scenes)—O, there he goes—a + very consumptive figure, truly. + </p> + <p> + Enter TONY, crossing the stage. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Tony, where are you going, my charmer? Won’t you give + papa and I a little of your company, lovee? + </p> + <p> + TONY. I’m in haste, mother; I cannot stay. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. You shan’t venture out this raw evening, my dear; you + look most shockingly. + </p> + <p> + TONY. I can’t stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me down every + moment. There’s some fun going forward. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay; the alehouse, the old place: I thought so. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. A low, paltry set of fellows. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Not so low, neither. There’s Dick Muggins the exciseman, Jack Slang + the horse doctor, Little Aminadab that grinds the music box, and Tom Twist + that spins the pewter platter. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night at least. + </p> + <p> + TONY. As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but I can’t + abide to disappoint myself. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (detaining him.) You shan’t go. + </p> + <p> + TONY. I will, I tell you. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I say you shan’t. + </p> + <p> + TONY. We’ll see which is strongest, you or I. [Exit, hauling her out.] + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (solus.) Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each other. But + is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and discretion out of + doors? There’s my pretty darling Kate! the fashions of the times have + almost infected her too. By living a year or two in town, she is as fond + of gauze and French frippery as the best of them. + </p> + <p> + Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Blessings on my pretty innocence! drest out as usual, my Kate. + Goodness! What a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou got about thee, + girl! I could never teach the fools of this age, that the indigent world + could be clothed out of the trimmings of the vain. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. You know our agreement, sir. You allow me the morning to + receive and pay visits, and to dress in my own manner; and in the evening + I put on my housewife’s dress to please you. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Well, remember, I insist on the terms of our agreement; and, + by the bye, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obedience this + very evening. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I don’t comprehend your meaning. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Then to be plain with you, Kate, I expect the young gentleman + I have chosen to be your husband from town this very day. I have his + father’s letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, and that he + intends to follow himself shortly after. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Indeed! I wish I had known something of this before. + Bless me, how shall I behave? It’s a thousand to one I shan’t like him; + our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing of business, that I + shall find no room for friendship or esteem. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Depend upon it, child, I’ll never control your choice; but Mr. + Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir Charles + Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. The young gentleman has + been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment in the service of + his country. I am told he’s a man of an excellent understanding. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Is he? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Very generous. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I believe I shall like him. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Young and brave. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m sure I shall like him. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And very handsome. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, say no more, (kissing his hand), he’s mine; + I’ll have him. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he’s one of the most bashful and + reserved young fellows in all the world. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Eh! you have frozen me to death again. That word RESERVED + has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved lover, it is + said, always makes a suspicious husband. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides in a breast that is + not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his character + that first struck me. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. He must have more striking features to catch me, I + promise you. However, if he be so young, so handsome, and so everything as + you mention, I believe he’ll do still. I think I’ll have him. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It’s more than an + even wager he may not have you. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you mortify one so?—Well, if + he refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I’ll only + break my glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, and + look out for some less difficult admirer. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Bravely resolved! In the mean time I’ll go prepare the + servants for his reception: as we seldom see company, they want as much + training as a company of recruits the first day’s muster. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone). Lud, this news of papa’s puts me all in a + flutter. Young, handsome: these he put last; but I put them foremost. + Sensible, good-natured; I like all that. But then reserved and sheepish; + that’s much against him. Yet can’t he be cured of his timidity, by being + taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can’t I—But I vow I’m + disposing of the husband before I have secured the lover. + </p> + <p> + Enter MISS NEVILLE. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m glad you’re come, Neville, my dear. Tell me, + Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there anything whimsical about + me? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am I in face to-day? + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again—bless me!—sure + no accident has happened among the canary birds or the gold fishes. Has + your brother or the cat been meddling? or has the last novel been too + moving? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened—I + can scarce get it out—I have been threatened with a lover. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. And his name— + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Indeed! + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. The son of Sir Charles Marlow. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my + admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him when we + lived in town. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Never. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. He’s a very singular character, I assure you. Among women of + reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his acquaintance + give him a very different character among creatures of another stamp: you + understand me. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. An odd character indeed. I shall never be able to manage + him. What shall I do? Pshaw, think no more of him, but trust to + occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear? has my + mother been courting you for my brother Tony as usual? + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I have just come from one of our agreeable tete-a-tetes. She + has been saying a hundred tender things, and setting off her pretty + monster as the very pink of perfection. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is such, that she actually thinks him + so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she has the + sole management of it, I’m not surprised to see her unwilling to let it go + out of the family. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, is no + such mighty temptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be but + constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. However, I let + her suppose that I am in love with her son; and she never once dreams that + my affections are fixed upon another. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almost love + him for hating you so. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I’m sure would + wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt’s bell rings + for our afternoon’s walk round the improvements. Allons! Courage is + necessary, as our affairs are critical. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. “Would it were bed-time, and all were well.” [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + SCENE—An Alehouse Room. Several shabby Fellows with punch and + tobacco. TONY at the head of the table, a little higher than the rest, a + mallet in his hand. + </p> + <p> + OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo! + </p> + <p> + FIRST FELLOW Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. The ’squire is going to + knock himself down for a song. + </p> + <p> + OMNES. Ay, a song, a song! + </p> + <p> + TONY. Then I’ll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon this alehouse, the + Three Pigeons. + </p> + <p> + SONG. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain + With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, + Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, + Gives GENUS a better discerning. + Let them brag of their heathenish gods, + Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians, + Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods, + They’re all but a parcel of Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + When methodist preachers come down, + A-preaching that drinking is sinful, + I’ll wager the rascals a crown, + They always preach best with a skinful. + But when you come down with your pence, + For a slice of their scurvy religion, + I’ll leave it to all men of sense, + But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + Then come, put the jorum about, + And let us be merry and clever, + Our hearts and our liquors are stout, + Here’s the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. + Let some cry up woodcock or hare, + Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons; + But of all the GAY birds in the air, + Here’s a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. +</pre> + <p> + OMNES. Bravo, bravo! + </p> + <p> + FIRST FELLOW. The ’squire has got spunk in him. + </p> + <p> + SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us nothing + that’s low. + </p> + <p> + THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that’s low, I cannot bear it. + </p> + <p> + FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time: if so be + that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly. + </p> + <p> + THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though I am + obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. May this + be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very genteelest of tunes; + “Water Parted,” or “The minuet in Ariadne.” + </p> + <p> + SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the ’squire is not come to his own. It + would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I’d then show what it was to + keep choice of company. + </p> + <p> + SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sure old + ’Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. For + winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a wench, he + never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he kept the best + horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ecod, and when I’m of age, I’ll be no bastard, I promise you. I have + been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller’s grey mare to begin with. But + come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no reckoning. Well, + Stingo, what’s the matter? + </p> + <p> + Enter Landlord. + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. They have + lost their way upo’ the forest; and they are talking something about Mr. + Hardcastle. + </p> + <p> + TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that’s coming + down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners? + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I’ll set them right in a + twinkling. (Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn’t be good enough + company for you, step down for a moment, and I’ll be with you in the + squeezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob.] + </p> + <p> + TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been calling me whelp and hound this half + year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old + grumbletonian. But then I’m afraid—afraid of what? I shall soon be + worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of THAT if he + can. + </p> + <p> + Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. What a tedious uncomfortable day have we had of it! We were told + it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above + threescore. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours, that + would not let us inquire more frequently on the way. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an obligation + to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an unmannerly answer. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any answer. + </p> + <p> + TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I’m told you have been inquiring for one + Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of the country you + are in? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for information. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Nor the way you came? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can inform us—— + </p> + <p> + TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor + where you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform you + is, that—you have lost your way. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place from whence + you came? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. That’s not necessary towards directing us where we are to go. + </p> + <p> + TONY. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know. Pray, + gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fashioned, + whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and a pretty son? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you + mention. + </p> + <p> + TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole; the + son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fond of. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be + well-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up and spoiled + at his mother’s apron-string. + </p> + <p> + TONY. He-he-hem!—Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that + you won’t reach Mr. Hardcastle’s house this night, I believe. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Unfortunate! + </p> + <p> + TONY. It’s a damn’d long, dark, boggy, dirty, dangerous way. Stingo, tell + the gentlemen the way to Mr. Hardcastle’s! (Winking upon the Landlord.) + Mr. Hardcastle’s, of Quagmire Marsh, you understand me. + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. Master Hardcastle’s! Lock-a-daisy, my masters, you’re come a + deadly deal wrong! When you came to the bottom of the hill, you should + have crossed down Squash Lane. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Cross down Squash Lane! + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. Then you were to keep straight forward, till you came to four + roads. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Come to where four roads meet? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay; but you must be sure to take only one of them. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. O, sir, you’re facetious. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Then keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you come upon + Crackskull Common: there you must look sharp for the track of the wheel, + and go forward till you come to farmer Murrain’s barn. Coming to the + farmer’s barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to the left, and + then to the right about again, till you find out the old mill— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude! + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. What’s to be done, Marlow? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps the + landlord can accommodate us. + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the whole house. + </p> + <p> + TONY. And to my knowledge, that’s taken up by three lodgers already. + (After a pause, in which the rest seem disconcerted.) I have hit it. Don’t + you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentlemen by the + fire-side, with——three chairs and a bolster? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I hate sleeping by the fire-side. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. And I detest your three chairs and a bolster. + </p> + <p> + TONY. You do, do you? then, let me see—what if you go on a mile + further, to the Buck’s Head; the old Buck’s Head on the hill, one of the + best inns in the whole county? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, however. + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. (apart to TONY). Sure, you ben’t sending them to your father’s + as an inn, be you? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Mum, you fool you. Let THEM find that out. (To them.) You have only + to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old house by the + road side. You’ll see a pair of large horns over the door. That’s the + sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can’t miss the way? + </p> + <p> + TONY. No, no: but I tell you, though, the landlord is rich, and going to + leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving your + presence, he! he! he! He’ll be for giving you his company; and, ecod, if + you mind him, he’ll persuade you that his mother was an alderman, and his + aunt a justice of peace. + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as good wines + and beds as any in the whole country. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no farther + connexion. We are to turn to the right, did you say? + </p> + <p> + TONY. No, no; straight forward. I’ll just step myself, and show you a + piece of the way. (To the Landlord.) Mum! + </p> + <p> + LANDLORD. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant—damn’d + mischievous son of a whore. [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT THE SECOND. + </h2> + <p> + SCENE—An old-fashioned House. + </p> + <p> + Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward Servants. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Well, I hope you are perfect in the table exercise I have been + teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your places, + and can show that you have been used to good company, without ever + stirring from home. + </p> + <p> + OMNES. Ay, ay. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. When company comes you are not to pop out and stare, and then + run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren. + </p> + <p> + OMNES. No, no. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make a + show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the + plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you’re not to stand so, + with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your pockets, Roger; + and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory carries his hands. + They’re a little too stiff, indeed, but that’s no great matter. + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands this way + when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill—— + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all + attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of talking; + you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see us eat, and + not think of eating. + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. By the laws, your worship, that’s parfectly unpossible. Whenever + Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod, he’s always wishing for a + mouthful himself. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good as a + belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection. + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. Ecod, I thank your worship, I’ll make a shift to stay my stomach + with a slice of cold beef in the pantry. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Diggory, you are too talkative.—Then, if I happen to say + a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out + a-laughing, as if you made part of the company. + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of Ould Grouse in + the gun-room: I can’t help laughing at that—he! he! he!—for + the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty years—ha! ha! + ha! + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Well, honest Diggory, you + may laugh at that—but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one of + the company should call for a glass of wine, how will you behave? A glass + of wine, sir, if you please (to DIGGORY).—Eh, why don’t you move? + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the eatables + and drinkables brought upo’ the table, and then I’m as bauld as a lion. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. What, will nobody move? + </p> + <p> + FIRST SERVANT. I’m not to leave this pleace. + </p> + <p> + SECOND SERVANT. I’m sure it’s no pleace of mine. + </p> + <p> + THIRD SERVANT. Nor mine, for sartain. + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. Wauns, and I’m sure it canna be mine. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are + quarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. O you dunces! I find I + must begin all over again——But don’t I hear a coach drive into + the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I’ll go in the mean time and give + my old friend’s son a hearty reception at the gate. [Exit HARDCASTLE.] + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head. + </p> + <p> + ROGER. I know that my pleace is to be everywhere. + </p> + <p> + FIRST SERVANT. Where the devil is mine? + </p> + <p> + SECOND SERVANT. My pleace is to be nowhere at all; and so I’ze go about my + business. [Exeunt Servants, running about as if frightened, different + ways.] + </p> + <p> + Enter Servant with candles, showing in MARLOW and HASTINGS. + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! This way. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, + Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my word, a + very well-looking house; antique but creditable. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the master + by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these + fineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marble chimney-piece, + though not actually put in the bill, inflame a reckoning confoundedly. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Travellers, George, must pay in all places: the only difference + is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns you are + fleeced and starved. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have been often + surprised, that you who have seen so much of the world, with your natural + good sense, and your many opportunities, could never yet acquire a + requisite share of assurance. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. The Englishman’s malady. But tell me, George, where could I have + learned that assurance you talk of? My life has been chiefly spent in a + college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the creation that + chiefly teach men confidence. I don’t know that I was ever familiarly + acquainted with a single modest woman—except my mother—But + among females of another class, you know—— + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. They are of US, you know. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such an + idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wanted an + opportunity of stealing out of the room. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Why, man, that’s because I do want to steal out of the room. + Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle away + at any rate. But I don’t know how, a single glance from a pair of fine + eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may counterfeit + modesty; but I’ll be hanged if a modest man can ever counterfeit + impudence. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. If you could but say half the fine things to them that I have + heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed-maker—— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Why, George, I can’t say fine things to them; they freeze, they + petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such + bagatelle; but, to me, a modest woman, drest out in all her finery, is the + most tremendous object of the whole creation. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect to marry? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Never; unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be + courted by proxy. If, indeed, like an Eastern bridegroom, one were to be + introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might be endured. But to go + through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the episode + of aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, and at last to blurt out the broad + staring question of, Madam, will you marry me? No, no, that’s a strain + much above me, I assure you. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I pity you. But how do you intend behaving to the lady you are + come down to visit at the request of your father? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow very low, answer yes or no to + all her demands—But for the rest, I don’t think I shall venture to + look in her face till I see my father’s again. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I’m surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so cool a + lover. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down was to + be instrumental in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss Neville + loves you, the family don’t know you; as my friend you are sure of a + reception, and let honour do the rest. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My dear Marlow! But I’ll suppress the emotion. Were I a wretch, + meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the last man in the + world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville’s person is all I + ask, and that is mine, both from her deceased father’s consent, and her + own inclination. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman. I’m + doom’d to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of it I + despise. This stammer in my address, and this awkward prepossessing visage + of mine, can never permit me to soar above the reach of a milliner’s + ’prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane. Pshaw! this fellow here + to interrupt us. + </p> + <p> + Enter HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is Mr. + Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome. It’s not my way, you see, to + receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like give them a hearty + reception in the old style at my gate. I like to see their horses and + trunks taken care of. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) He has got our names from the servants already. (To him.) + We approve your caution and hospitality, sir. (To HASTINGS.) I have been + thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the morning. I am + grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you’ll use no ceremony in this house. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I fancy, Charles, you’re right: the first blow is half the + battle. I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow—Mr. Hastings—gentlemen—pray be + under no constraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You + may do just as you please here. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we may + want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the embroidery to + secure a retreat. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of the + Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He first summoned the + garrison—— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Don’t you think the ventre d’or waistcoat will do with the plain + brown? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the garrison, which might consist of about + five thousand men—— + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but very poorly. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, be summoned the + garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men—— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. The girls like finery. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well appointed + with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, says the Duke + of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to him—you must + have heard of George Brooks—I’ll pawn my dukedom, says he, but I + take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So—— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the mean + time; it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside.) This is the most unaccountable kind of + modesty I ever met with. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will be + comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Here’s a cup, sir. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let us + have just what he pleases. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (Taking the cup.) I hope you’ll find it to your mind. I have + prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you’ll own the ingredients + are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? Here, Mr. Marlow, + here is to our better acquaintance. [Drinks.] + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) A very impudent fellow this! but he’s a character, and + I’ll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks.] + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (Aside.) I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and + forgets that he’s an innkeeper, before he has learned to be a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you have + a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, now and + then, at elections, I suppose. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our betters + have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is no business + “for us that sell ale.” + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted myself + about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding myself + every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better, I left it + to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about Hyder Ally, or + Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service to you. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with + receiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead a good + pleasant bustling life of it. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I do stir about a great deal, that’s certain. Half the + differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (After drinking.) And you have an argument in your cup, old + gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an + innkeeper’s philosophy. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on every + quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with your + philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. + Here’s your health, my philosopher. [Drinks.] + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts me + in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of + Belgrade. You shall hear. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it’s almost time to + talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside.) Was ever such a request to a man in + his own house? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make + devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. (To + him.) Why, really, sir, as for supper I can’t well tell. My Dorothy and + the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of + things entirely to them. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. You do, do you? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Entirely. By the bye, I believe they are in actual + consultation upon what’s for supper this moment in the kitchen. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Then I beg they’ll admit me as one of their privy council. It’s a + way I have got. When I travel, I always chose to regulate my own supper. + Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don’t know how; our + Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these occasions. + Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the house. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Let’s see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a favour. I + always match my appetite to my bill of fare. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise.) Sir, he’s very + right, and it’s my way too. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us + the bill of fare for to-night’s supper: I believe it’s drawn out—Your + manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Wallop. It was + a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (Aside.) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we shall + soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let’s hear the + bill of fare. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Perusing.) What’s here? For the first course; for the second + course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have brought down + a whole Joiners’ Company, or the corporation of Bedford, to eat up such a + supper? Two or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But let’s hear it. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Reading.) For the first course, at the top, a pig and prune + sauce. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce, say I. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with prune + sauce is very good eating. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf’s tongue and brains. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don’t like them. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Their impudence confounds me. (To them.) Gentlemen, + you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there anything + else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Item, a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, a + shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff—taff—taffety cream. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in this + house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador’s table. + I’m for plain eating. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I’m sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if + there be anything you have a particular fancy to—— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one + part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much + for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and properly taken + care of. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I entreat you’ll leave that to me. You shall not stir a step. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I always + look to these things myself. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I must insist, sir, you’ll make yourself easy on that head. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. You see I’m resolved on it. (Aside.) A very troublesome fellow + this, as I ever met with. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I’m resolved at least to attend you. (Aside.) This + may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like old-fashioned + impudence. [Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE.] + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (Alone.) So I find this fellow’s civilities begin to grow + troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant to + please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that’s happy! + </p> + <p> + Enter MISS NEVILLE. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to what + accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have hoped + to meet my dearest Constance at an inn. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives here. + What could induce you to think this house an inn? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have been + sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we accidentally + met at a house hard by, directed us hither. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin’s tricks, of + whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such just + apprehensions? + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You’d adore + him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it too, and + has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to think she has + made a conquest. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have just + seized this happy opportunity of my friend’s visit here to get admittance + into the family. The horses that carried us down are now fatigued with + their journey, but they’ll soon be refreshed; and then, if my dearest girl + will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon be landed in France, + where even among slaves the laws of marriage are respected. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I yet + should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The greatest part + of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and chiefly consists in + jewels. I have been for some time persuading my aunt to let me wear them. + I fancy I’m very near succeeding. The instant they are put into my + possession, you shall find me ready to make them and myself yours. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the mean + time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know the + strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of it, he + would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for execution. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss Hardcastle + is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to deceive him?——This, + this way——[They confer.] + </p> + <p> + Enter MARLOW. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. The assiduities of these good people teaze me beyond bearing. My + host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he claps not + only himself, but his old-fashioned wife, on my back. They talk of coming + to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run the gantlet through + all the rest of the family.—What have we got here? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!—The most + fortunate accident!—Who do you think is just alighted? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Cannot guess. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Give me + leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your acquaintance. Happening + to dine in the neighbourhood, they called on their return to take fresh + horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept into the next room, and will + be back in an instant. Wasn’t it lucky? eh! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and here + comes something to complete my embarrassment. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Well, but wasn’t it the most fortunate thing in the world? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Oh! yes. Very fortunate—a most joyful encounter—But + our dresses, George, you know are in disorder—What if we should + postpone the happiness till to-morrow?—To-morrow at her own house—It + will be every bit as convenient—and rather more respectful—To-morrow + let it be. [Offering to go.] + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. The + disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience. Besides, + she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see her. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings, you must + not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall be confoundedly + ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I’ll take courage. Hem! + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Pshaw, man! it’s but the first plunge, and all’s over. She’s but + a woman, you know. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. And, of all women, she that I dread most to encounter. + </p> + <p> + Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking, a bonnet, etc. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (Introducing them.) Miss Hardcastle, Mr. Marlow. I’m proud of + bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to know, to + esteem each other. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Now for meeting my modest gentleman with a + demure face, and quite in his own manner. (After a pause, in which he + appears very uneasy and disconcerted.) I’m glad of your safe arrival, sir. + I’m told you had some accidents by the way. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good many + accidents, but should be sorry—madam—or rather glad of any + accidents—that are so agreeably concluded. Hem! + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (To him.) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep it up, + and I’ll insure you the victory. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen so much + of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure corner + of the country. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Gathering courage.) I have lived, indeed, in the world, madam; + but I have kept very little company. I have been but an observer upon + life, madam, while others were enjoying it. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (To him.) Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and you are + confirmed in assurance for ever. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (To him.) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I’m down, throw in a + word or two, to set me up again. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. An observer, like you, upon life were, I fear, + disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censure than + to approve. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The folly of + most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (To him.) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole life. + Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are going to be very + good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass the interview. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all + things. (To him.) Zounds! George, sure you won’t go? how can you leave us? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we’ll retire to the + next room. (To him.) You don’t consider, man, that we are to manage a + little tete-a-tete of our own. [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (after a pause). But you have not been wholly an + observer, I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed some + part of your addresses. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Relapsing into timidity.) Pardon me, madam, I—I—I—as + yet have studied—only—to—deserve them. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain them. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the more grave + and sensible part of the sex. But I’m afraid I grow tiresome. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as grave + conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed, I have often been + surprised how a man of sentiment could ever admire those light airy + pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. It’s——a disease——of the mind, madam. In + the variety of tastes there must be some who, wanting a relish——for——um—a—um. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you, sir. There must be some, who, wanting a + relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they are incapable + of tasting. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And I can’t + help observing——a—— + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Who could ever suppose this fellow impudent upon + some occasions? (To him.) You were going to observe, sir—— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I was observing, madam—I protest, madam, I forget what I was + going to observe. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I vow and so do I. (To him.) You were observing, + sir, that in this age of hypocrisy—something about hypocrisy, sir. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon strict + inquiry do not—a—a—a— + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you perfectly, sir. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! and that’s more than I do myself. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few that + do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think they pay + every debt to virtue when they praise it. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have + least of it in their bosoms. But I’m sure I tire you, madam. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Not in the least, sir; there’s something so agreeable and + spirited in your manner, such life and force—pray, sir, go on. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was saying——that there are some + occasions, when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the——and + puts us——upon a—a—a— + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I agree with you entirely; a want of courage upon some + occasions assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when we most + want to excel. I beg you’ll proceed. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, madam. Morally speaking, madam—But I see Miss Neville + expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably entertained in + all my life. Pray go on. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, madam, I was——But she beckons us to join her. + Madam, shall I do myself the honour to attend you? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Well, then, I’ll follow. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone.) Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober, + sentimental interview? I’m certain he scarce looked in my face the whole + time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is pretty + well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, that it + fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a little + confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of service. + But who is that somebody?—That, faith, is a question I can scarce + answer. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. + </p> + <p> + TONY. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you’re not ashamed + to be so very engaging. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one’s own relations, and + not be to blame. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me, though; + but it won’t do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won’t do; so I beg you’ll keep + your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [She follows, coquetting him + to the back scene.] + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very entertaining. + There’s nothing in the world I love to talk of so much as London, and the + fashions, though I was never there myself. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I concluded + you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James’s, or Tower + Wharf. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. O! sir, you’re only pleased to say so. We country persons + can have no manner at all. I’m in love with the town, and that serves to + raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can have a + manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, + and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I can do is to + enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every tete-a-tete from + the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as they come out, in a + letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane. Pray how do you like + this head, Mr. Hastings? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. Your friseur + is a Frenchman, I suppose? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I protest, I dressed it myself from a print in the + Ladies’ Memorandum-book for the last year. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house would draw + as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a City Ball. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to + be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little particular, or one + may escape in the crowd. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. (Bowing.) + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a piece + of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will never argue + down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted him to throw + off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to plaster it over, like + my Lord Pately, with powder. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are none + ugly, so among the men there are none old. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual + Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig, to + convert it into a tete for my own wearing. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and it + must become you. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most + fashionable age about town? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I’m told the ladies + intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the fashion. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she’s past forty. For + instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, + as a mere maker of samplers. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is + as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of + yours, I should presume? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe + their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were + man and wife already. (To them.) Well, Tony, child, what soft things are + you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? + </p> + <p> + TONY. I have been saying no soft things; but that it’s very hard to be + followed about so. Ecod! I’ve not a place in the house now that’s left to + myself, but the stable. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He’s in another story + behind your back. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. There’s something generous in my cousin’s manner. He falls + out before faces to be forgiven in private. + </p> + <p> + TONY. That’s a damned confounded—crack. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he’s a sly one. Don’t you think they are like each + other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They’re + of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings may see you. + Come, Tony. + </p> + <p> + TONY. You had as good not make me, I tell you. (Measuring.) + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. O lud! he has almost cracked my head. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave + so! + </p> + <p> + TONY. If I’m a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I’ll not be made a fool + of no longer. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I’m to get for the + pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your + cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that + waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, and + weep while the receipt was operating? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever since + I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete Huswife ten + times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through Quincy next + spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I’ll not be made a fool of no longer. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Wasn’t it all for your good, viper? Wasn’t it all for + your good? + </p> + <p> + TONY. I wish you’d let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way when + I’m in spirits. If I’m to have any good, let it come of itself; not to + keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. That’s false; I never see you when you’re in spirits. No, + Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I’m never to be delighted + with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster! + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my heart, + I see he does. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. + I’m certain I can persuade him to his duty. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You see, + Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor woman so + plagued with a dear sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy? [Exeunt MRS. + HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE.] + </p> + <p> + TONY. (Singing.) “There was a young man riding by, and fain would have his + will. Rang do didlo dee.”——Don’t mind her. Let her cry. It’s + the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a book for + an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better the more it + made them cry. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Then you’re no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young + gentleman? + </p> + <p> + TONY. That’s as I find ’um. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother’s choosing, I dare answer? And yet she + appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. + </p> + <p> + TONY. That’s because you don’t know her as well as I. Ecod! I know every + inch about her; and there’s not a more bitter cantankerous toad in all + Christendom. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (Aside.) Pretty encouragement this for a lover! + </p> + <p> + TONY. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many tricks as + a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day’s breaking. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. To me she appears sensible and silent. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay, before company. But when she’s with her playmate, she’s as loud + as a hog in a gate. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you’re flung in + a ditch. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.—Yes, you + must allow her some beauty. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Bandbox! She’s all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see Bet + Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she has two + eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cushion. + She’d make two of she. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter + bargain off your hands? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Anon. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you + to happiness and your dear Betsy? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I am he. If you but assist me, I’ll engage to whip her off to + France, and you shall never hear more of her. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I’ll clap a + pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, + and may he get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, that you little + dream of. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My dear ’squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you + have done with me. + </p> + <p> + (Singing.) “We are the boys That fears no noise Where the thundering + cannons roar.” [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT THE THIRD. + </h2> + <p> + Enter HARDCASTLE, alone. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending his + son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most impudent + piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of + the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took off his boots in the + parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I’m desirous to know + how his impudence affects my daughter. She will certainly be shocked at + it. + </p> + <p> + Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I bade + you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, + that I take care to observe them without ever debating their propriety. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly + when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover to-day. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I + find the original exceeds the description. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded + all my faculties! + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world too! + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay, he learned it all abroad—what a fool was I, to think + a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn wit + at a masquerade. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. It seems all natural to him. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French + dancing-master. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-master could + never have taught him that timid look—that awkward address—that + bashful manner— + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Whose look? whose manner, child? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow’s: his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me + at the first sight. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the + most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so modest. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, + swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a stammering + voice, and a look fixed on the ground. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity + that made my blood freeze again. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured the + manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed; + tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room with a bow, + and “Madam, I would not for the world detain you.” + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; asked + twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my best + remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of the Duke + of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand at + making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch! + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. One of us must certainly be mistaken. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. If he be what he has shown himself, I’m determined he shall + never have my consent. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall never + have mine. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. In one thing then we are agreed—to reject him. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes: but upon conditions. For if you should find him less + impudent, and I more presuming—if you find him more respectful, and + I more importunate—I don’t know—the fellow is well enough for + a man—Certainly, we don’t meet many such at a horse-race in the + country. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. If we should find him so——But that’s impossible. + The first appearance has done my business. I’m seldom deceived in that. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And yet there may be many good qualities under that first + appearance. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow’s outside to her taste, she + then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth + face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment to my + good sense, won’t end with a sneer at my understanding? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art of + reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make + further discoveries? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Agreed. But depend on’t I’m in the right. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And depend on’t I’m not much in the wrong. [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + Enter Tony, running in with a casket. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con’s necklaces, + bobs and all. My mother shan’t cheat the poor souls out of their fortin + neither. O! my genus, is that you? + </p> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I hope + you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that you are + willing to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshed in a short + time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. + </p> + <p> + TONY. And here’s something to bear your charges by the way (giving the + casket); your sweetheart’s jewels. Keep them: and hang those, I say, that + would rob you of one of them. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But how have you procured them from your mother? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs. I procured them by + the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother’s bureau, + how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man may rob + himself of his own at any time. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you; Miss + Neville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very instant. + If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of obtaining + them. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know how it + will be well enough; she’d as soon part with the only sound tooth in her + head. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds she + has lost them. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Never you mind her resentment, leave ME to manage that. I don’t + value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they are. + Morrice! Prance! [Exit HASTINGS.] + </p> + <p> + Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you want + jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years hence, + when your beauty begins to want repairs. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainly improve + it at twenty, madam. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural blush is + beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite out at + present. Don’t you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my Lady + Kill-daylight, and Mrs. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their jewels to + town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall be nameless + would like me best with all my little finery about me? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, with such a + pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, my + dear? does your cousin Con. want any jewels in your eyes to set off her + beauty? + </p> + <p> + TONY. That’s as thereafter may be. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table-cut things. They + would make you look like the court of King Solomon at a puppet-show. + Besides, I believe, I can’t readily come at them. They may be missing, for + aught I know to the contrary. + </p> + <p> + TONY. (Apart to MRS. HARDCASTLE.) Then why don’t you tell her so at once, + as she’s so longing for them? Tell her they’re lost. It’s the only way to + quiet her. Say they’re lost, and call me to bear witness. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Apart to TONY.) You know, my dear, I’m only keeping them + for you. So if I say they’re gone, you’ll bear me witness, will you? He! + he! he! + </p> + <p> + TONY. Never fear me. Ecod! I’ll say I saw them taken out with my own eyes. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be permitted to + show them as relics, and then they may be locked up again. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I could find + them you should have them. They’re missing, I assure you. Lost, for aught + I know; but we must have patience wherever they are. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I’ll not believe it! this is but a shallow pretence to deny + me. I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as you are to + answer for the loss— + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Don’t be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I must + restore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to be + found. + </p> + <p> + TONY. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be found; + I’ll take my oath on’t. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we lose + our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how calm I am. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of others. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a + thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the mean time + you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I detest garnets. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. The most becoming things in the world to set off a clear + complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You SHALL have + them. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I dislike them of all things. You shan’t stir.—Was + ever anything so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to wear + her trumpery? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Don’t be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you can + get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of her + bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he’ll tell you more + of the matter. Leave me to manage her. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. My dear cousin! + </p> + <p> + TONY. Vanish. She’s here, and has missed them already. [Exit MISS + NEVILLE.] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catherine wheel. + </p> + <p> + Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Confusion! thieves! robbers! we are cheated, plundered, + broke open, undone. + </p> + <p> + TONY. What’s the matter, what’s the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has + happened to any of the good family! + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. We are robbed. My bureau has been broken open, the jewels + taken out, and I’m undone. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Oh! is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it acted + better in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Why, boy, I AM ruined in earnest. My bureau has been + broken open, and all taken away. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Stick to that: ha! ha! ha! stick to that. I’ll bear witness, you + know; call me to bear witness. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I tell you, Tony, by all that’s precious, the jewels are + gone, and I shall be ruined for ever. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Sure I know they’re gone, and I’m to say so. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They’re gone, I say. + </p> + <p> + TONY. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha! ha! I know who + took them well enough, ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can’t tell the + difference between jest and earnest? I tell you I’m not in jest, booby. + </p> + <p> + TONY. That’s right, that’s right; you must be in a bitter passion, and + then nobody will suspect either of us. I’ll bear witness that they are + gone. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that won’t + hear me? Can you bear witness that you’re no better than a fool? Was ever + poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and thieves on the other? + </p> + <p> + TONY. I can bear witness to that. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I’ll turn you + out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her? Do you + laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress? + </p> + <p> + TONY. I can bear witness to that. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Do you insult me, monster? I’ll teach you to vex your + mother, I will. + </p> + <p> + TONY. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him.] + </p> + <p> + Enter Miss HARDCASTLE and Maid. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, + to send them to the house as an inn! ha! ha! I don’t wonder at his + impudence. + </p> + <p> + MAID. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by in + your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He mistook you for + the bar-maid, madam. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Did he? Then as I live, I’m resolved to keep up the + delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don’t you + think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem? + </p> + <p> + MAID. It’s the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but + when she visits or receives company. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And are you sure he does not remember my face or person? + </p> + <p> + MAID. Certain of it. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I vow, I thought so; for, though we spoke for some time + together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up during the + interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him from seeing + me. + </p> + <p> + MAID. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. In the first place I shall be seen, and that is no small + advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall perhaps + make an acquaintance, and that’s no small victory gained over one who + never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief aim is, to + take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisible champion of + romance, examine the giant’s force before I offer to combat. + </p> + <p> + MAID. But you are sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice so + that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar cant—Did + your honour call?—Attend the Lion there—Pipes and tobacco for + the Angel.—The Lamb has been outrageous this half-hour. + </p> + <p> + MAID. It will do, madam. But he’s here. [Exit MAID.] + </p> + <p> + Enter MARLOW. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce a + moment’s repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and his + story: if I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her curtsey + down to the ground. I have at last got a moment to myself, and now for + recollection. [Walks and muses.] + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Did you call, sir? Did your honour call? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Musing.) As for Miss Hardcastle, she’s too grave and sentimental + for me. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Did your honour call? (She still places herself before + him, he turning away.) + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. No, child. (Musing.) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, I + think she squints. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I’m sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. No, no. (Musing.) I have pleased my father, however, by coming + down, and I’ll to-morrow please myself by returning. [Taking out his + tablets, and perusing.] + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I tell you, no. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a parcel of + servants! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face.) Yes, child, I think + I did call. I wanted—I wanted—I vow, child, you are vastly + handsome. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. O la, sir, you’ll make one ashamed. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Never saw a more sprightly malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, I did + call. Have you got any of your—a—what d’ye call it in the + house? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. + Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of a trial, of the nectar + of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that too. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Nectar! nectar! That’s a liquor there’s no call for in + these parts. French, I suppose. We sell no French wines here, sir. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Of true English growth, I assure you. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it’s odd I should not know it. We brew all sorts of + wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen years. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar + before you were born. How old are you? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and music + should never be dated. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. To guess at this distance, you can’t be much above forty + (approaching). Yet, nearer, I don’t think so much (approaching). By coming + close to some women they look younger still; but when we come very close + indeed—(attempting to kiss her). + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted + to know one’s age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at this + distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no such + acquaintance, not I. I’m sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, that was + here awhile ago, in this obstropalous manner. I’ll warrant me, before her + you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and talked, for all the + world, as if you was before a justice of peace. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad, she has hit it, sure enough! (To her.) In awe of + her, child? Ha! ha! ha! A mere awkward squinting thing; no, no. I find you + don’t know me. I laughed and rallied her a little; but I was unwilling to + be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse me! + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the + ladies? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet hang me, I don’t see what + they find in me to follow. At the Ladies’ Club in town I’m called their + agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one I’m known + by. My name is Solomons; Mr. Solomons, my dear, at your service. (Offering + to salute her.) + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Hold, sir; you are introducing me to your club, not to + yourself. And you’re so great a favourite there, you say? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, my dear. There’s Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the + Countess of Sligo, Mrs. Langhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your + humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it’s a very merry place, I suppose? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, and old women can make us. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And their agreeable Rattle, ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! I don’t quite like this chit. She looks knowing, + methinks. You laugh, child? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I can’t but laugh, to think what time they all have for + minding their work or their family. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) All’s well; she don’t laugh at me. (To her.) Do you ever + work, child? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure. There’s not a screen or quilt in the whole + house but what can bear witness to that. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Odso! then you must show me your embroidery. I embroider and draw + patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, you must apply + to me. (Seizing her hand.) + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, but the colours do not look well by candlelight. You + shall see all in the morning. (Struggling.) + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the power of + resistance.—Pshaw! the father here! My old luck: I never nicked + seven that I did not throw ames ace three times following. [Exit MARLOW.] + </p> + <p> + Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in surprise. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. So, madam. So, I find THIS is your MODEST lover. This is your + humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only adored at + humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to deceive your father + so? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Never trust me, dear papa, but he’s still the modest man + I first took him for; you’ll be convinced of it as well as I. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, I believe his impudence is infectious! + Didn’t I see him seize your hand? Didn’t I see him haul you about like a + milkmaid? And now you talk of his respect and his modesty, forsooth! + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that he has + only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that will + improve with age, I hope you’ll forgive him. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. The girl would actually make one run mad! I tell you, I’ll not + be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarce been three hours in the house, + and he has already encroached on all my prerogatives. You may like his + impudence, and call it modesty; but my son-in-law, madam, must have very + different qualifications. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts of + turning him out this very hour. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Well, an hour let it be then. But I’ll have no trifling with + your father. All fair and open, do you mind me. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, you have ever found that I considered your + commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty as yet has + been inclination. [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT THE FOURTH. + </h2> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. You surprise me; Sir Charles Marlow expected here this night! + Where have you had your information? + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr. + Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hours after + his son. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Then, my Constance, all must be completed before he arrives. He + knows me; and should he find me here, would discover my name, and perhaps + my designs, to the rest of the family. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. The jewels, I hope, are safe? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Yes, yes, I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the keys of our + baggage. In the mean time, I’ll go to prepare matters for our elopement. I + have had the ’squire’s promise of a fresh pair of horses; and if I should + not see him again, will write him further directions. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Well! success attend you. In the mean time I’ll go and amuse + my aunt with the old pretence of a violent passion for my cousin. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so valuable a + thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I have is + the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door. Have you deposited the casket + with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into her own hands? + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. Yes, your honour. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. She said she’d keep it safe, did she? + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. Yes, she said she’d keep it safe enough; she asked me how I came + by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me give an account of + myself. [Exit Servant.] + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! They’re safe, however. What an unaccountable set of + beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid though runs in my head + most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of the + family. She’s mine, she must be mine, or I’m greatly mistaken. + </p> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended to prepare + at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits too! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Give me joy, George! Crown me, shadow me with laurels! Well, + George, after all, we modest fellows don’t want for success among the + women. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Some women, you mean. But what success has your honour’s modesty + been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Didn’t you see the tempting, brisk, lovely little thing, that runs + about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Well, and what then? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. She’s mine, you rogue you. Such fire, such motion, such eyes, such + lips; but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But are you so sure, so very sure of her? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, and I am + to improve the pattern. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of her honour? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the bar-maid of an inn. I + don’t intend to rob her, take my word for it; there’s nothing in this + house I shan’t honestly pay for. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I believe the girl has virtue. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that would + attempt to corrupt it. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to lock + up? Is it in safety? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Yes, yes. It’s safe enough. I have taken care of it. But how could + you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door a place of safety? Ah! + numskull! I have taken better precautions for you than you did for + yourself——I have—— + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. What? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. To the landlady! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. The landlady. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. You did? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I did. She’s to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Yes, she’ll bring it forth with a witness. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Wasn’t I right? I believe you’ll allow that I acted prudently upon + this occasion. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (Aside.) He must not see my uneasiness. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure nothing has + happened? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life. And so + you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily undertook the + charge. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, through + her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. Ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. He! he! he! They’re safe, however. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. As a guinea in a miser’s purse. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (Aside.) So now all hopes of fortune are at an end, and we must + set off without it. (To him.) Well, Charles, I’ll leave you to your + meditations on the pretty bar-maid, and, he! he! he! may you be as + successful for yourself, as you have been for me! [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Thank ye, George: I ask no more. Ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + Enter HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I no longer know my own house. It’s turned all topsy-turvy. + His servants have got drunk already. I’ll bear it no longer; and yet, from + my respect for his father, I’ll be calm. (To him.) Mr. Marlow, your + servant. I’m your very humble servant. (Bowing low.) + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Sir, your humble servant. (Aside.) What’s to be the wonder now? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man alive + ought to be more welcome than your father’s son, sir. I hope you think so? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I do from my soul, sir. I don’t want much entreaty. I generally + make my father’s son welcome wherever he goes. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I say nothing + to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. Their manner + of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I assure you. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine. If they + don’t drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them not to spare + the cellar. I did, I assure you. (To the side scene.) Here, let one of my + servants come up. (To him.) My positive directions were, that as I did not + drink myself, they should make up for my deficiencies below. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Then they had your orders for what they do? I’m satisfied! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of themselves. + </p> + <p> + Enter Servant, drunk. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders? Were you + not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, for the good + of the house? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I begin to lose my patience. + </p> + <p> + JEREMY. Please your honour, liberty and Fleet-street for ever! Though I’m + but a servant, I’m as good as another man. I’ll drink for no man before + supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will sit upon a good supper, but a good + supper will not sit upon——hiccup——on my + conscience, sir. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he can possibly + be. I don’t know what you’d have more, unless you’d have the poor devil + soused in a beer-barrel. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Zounds! he’ll drive me distracted, if I contain myself any + longer. Mr. Marlow—Sir; I have submitted to your insolence for more + than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I’m now + resolved to be master here, sir; and I desire that you and your drunken + pack may leave my house directly. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Leave your house!——Sure you jest, my good friend! + What? when I’m doing what I can to please you. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, you don’t please me; so I desire you’ll leave + my house. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o’ night, and such a + night? You only mean to banter me. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, I’m serious! and now that my passions are + roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I command + you to leave it directly. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan’t stir a step, I assure + you. (In a serious tone.) This your house, fellow! It’s my house. This is + my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What right have you to bid me + leave this house, sir? I never met with such impudence, curse me; never in + my whole life before. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to my house, to call + for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the family, + to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, “This house is + mine, sir.” By all that’s impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha! ha! ha! Pray, + sir (bantering), as you take the house, what think you of taking the rest + of the furniture? There’s a pair of silver candlesticks, and there’s a + fire-screen, and here’s a pair of brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may + take a fancy to them? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let’s make no + more words about it. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the Rake’s + Progress, for your own apartment? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Bring me your bill, I say; and I’ll leave you and your infernal + house directly. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Then there’s a mahogany table that you may see your own face + in. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. My bill, I say. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I had forgot the great chair for your own particular slumbers, + after a hearty meal. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let’s hear no more on’t. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man, from your father’s letter to me, I was + taught to expect a well-bred modest man as a visitor here, but now I find + him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down here + presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. How’s this? Sure I have not mistaken the house. Everything looks + like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the attendance is awkward; the + bar-maid, too, to attend us. But she’s here, and will further inform me. + Whither so fast, child? A word with you. + </p> + <p> + Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Let it be short, then. I’m in a hurry. (Aside.) I believe + he begins to find out his mistake. But it’s too soon quite to undeceive + him. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what may + your business in this house be? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. A relation of the family, sir. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. What, a poor relation. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep the keys, + and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law——what brought that in your head? + One of the best families in the country keep an inn—Ha! ha! ha! old + Mr. Hardcastle’s house an inn! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle’s house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle’s house, child? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. So then, all’s out, and I have been damnably imposed on. O, + confound my stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the whole town. I + shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The DULLISSIMO + MACCARONI. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and my father’s + old friend for an innkeeper! What a swaggering puppy must he take me for! + What a silly puppy do I find myself! There again, may I be hanged, my + dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Dear me! dear me! I’m sure there’s nothing in my + BEHAVIOUR to put me on a level with one of that stamp. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of blunders, + and could not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw everything + the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, and your simplicity + for allurement. But it’s over. This house I no more show MY face in. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you. I’m + sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been so polite, + and said so many civil things to me. I’m sure I should be sorry + (pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my account. I’m sure I + should be sorry if people said anything amiss, since I have no fortune but + my character. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) By Heaven! she weeps. This is the first mark of + tenderness I ever had from a modest woman, and it touches me. (To her.) + Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the family I leave + with reluctance. But to be plain with you, the difference of our birth, + fortune, and education, makes an honourable connexion impossible; and I + can never harbour a thought of seducing simplicity that trusted in my + honour, of bringing ruin upon one whose only fault was being too lovely. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Generous man! I now begin to admire him. (To + him.) But I am sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle’s; and though + I’m poor, that’s no great misfortune to a contented mind; and, until this + moment, I never thought that it was bad to want fortune. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. And why now, my pretty simplicity? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Because it puts me at a distance from one that, if I had + a thousand pounds, I would give it all to. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) This simplicity bewitches me, so that if I stay, I’m + undone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her. (To her.) Your + partiality in my favour, my dear, touches me most sensibly: and were I to + live for myself alone, I could easily fix my choice. But I owe too much to + the opinion of the world, too much to the authority of a father; so that—I + can scarcely speak it—it affects me. Farewell. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till now. He shall not go, if + I have power or art to detain him. I’ll still preserve the character in + which I STOOPED TO CONQUER; but will undeceive my papa, who perhaps may + laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have done my duty. + She has got the jewels again, that’s a sure thing; but she believes it was + all a mistake of the servants. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. But, my dear cousin, sure you won’t forsake us in this + distress? If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall + certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree’s, which is ten times + worse. + </p> + <p> + TONY. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things. But what can I + do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like Whistle-jacket; and + I’m sure you can’t say but I have courted you nicely before her face. Here + she comes, we must court a bit or two more, for fear she should suspect + us. [They retire, and seem to fondle.] + </p> + <p> + Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. But my son + tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan’t be easy, however, + till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her own fortune. But + what do I see? fondling together, as I’m alive. I never saw Tony so + sprightly before. Ah! have I caught you, my pretty doves? What, billing, + exchanging stolen glances and broken murmurs? Ah! + </p> + <p> + TONY. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to be + sure. But there’s no love lost between us. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make it + burn brighter. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at home. + Indeed, he shan’t leave us any more. It won’t leave us, cousin Tony, will + it? + </p> + <p> + TONY. O! it’s a pretty creature. No, I’d sooner leave my horse in a pound, + than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you so + becoming. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that natural humour, + that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless (patting his cheek)—ah! it’s + a bold face. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pretty innocence! + </p> + <p> + TONY. I’m sure I always loved cousin Con.’s hazle eyes, and her pretty + long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the haspicholls, like + a parcel of bobbins. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree. I was never so + happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr. Lumpkin, exactly. + The jewels, my dear Con., shall be yours incontinently. You shall have + them. Isn’t he a sweet boy, my dear? You shall be married to-morrow, and + we’ll put off the rest of his education, like Dr. Drowsy’s sermons, to a + fitter opportunity. + </p> + <p> + Enter DIGGORY. + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. Where’s the ’squire? I have got a letter for your worship. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Who does it come from? + </p> + <p> + DIGGORY. Your worship mun ask that o’ the letter itself. + </p> + <p> + TONY. I could wish to know though (turning the letter, and gazing on it). + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. (Aside.) Undone! undone! A letter to him from Hastings. I + know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for ever. I’ll keep her + employed a little if I can. (To MRS. HARDCASTLE.) But I have not told you, + madam, of my cousin’s smart answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed.—You + must know, madam.—This way a little, for he must not hear us. [They + confer.] + </p> + <p> + TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned cramp piece of penmanship, as ever I saw in + my life. I can read your print hand very well. But here are such handles, + and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head from the tail.—“To + Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire.” It’s very odd, I can read the outside of my + letters, where my own name is, well enough; but when I come to open it, + it’s all——buzz. That’s hard, very hard; for the inside of the + letter is always the cream of the correspondence. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was too + hard for the philosopher. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A little more + this way, or he may hear us. You’ll hear how he puzzled him again. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. + </p> + <p> + TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned up and down hand, as if it was disguised in + liquor.—(Reading.) Dear Sir,—ay, that’s that. Then there’s an + M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or an R, confound + me, I cannot tell. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. What’s that, my dear? Can I give you any assistance? + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand better + than I. (Twitching the letter from him.) Do you know who it is from? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Can’t tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read.) Dear ’Squire, hoping + that you’re in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen of the + Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out of feather. + The odds—um—odd battle—um—long fighting—um—here, + here, it’s all about cocks and fighting; it’s of no consequence; here, put + it up, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him.) + </p> + <p> + TONY. But I tell you, miss, it’s of all the consequence in the world. I + would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you make it + out. Of no consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the letter.) + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. How’s this?—(Reads.) “Dear ’Squire, I’m now waiting + for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom of the + garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I expect + you’ll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. Dispatch is + necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, will otherwise suspect + us! Yours, Hastings.” Grant me patience. I shall run distracted! My rage + chokes me. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you’ll suspend your resentment for a few + moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, that + belongs to another. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low.) Fine spoken, madam, you are most + miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy and + circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone.) And you, you great + ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth shut: were + you, too, joined against me? But I’ll defeat all your plots in a moment. + As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh horses ready, it + would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, instead of running + away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to run off with ME. Your + old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I’ll warrant me. You too, sir, may + mount your horse, and guard us upon the way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! + I’ll show you, that I wish you better than you do yourselves. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. So now I’m completely ruined. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay, that’s a sure thing. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. What better could be expected from being connected with such + a stupid fool,—and after all the nods and signs I made him? + </p> + <p> + TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my stupidity, + that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with your Shake-bags + and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be making believe. + </p> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown my letter, + and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Here’s another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was her + doing, not mine. + </p> + <p> + Enter MARLOW. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. So I have been finely used here among you. Rendered contemptible, + driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Here’s another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose presently. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe every + obligation. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance and + age are a protection? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace correction. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry + with all our embarrassments. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. An insensible cub. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Replete with tricks and mischief. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Baw! damme, but I’ll fight you both, one after the other——with + baskets. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. As for him, he’s below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. Hastings, + requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would not undeceive + me. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time for + explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. But, sir—— + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was too + late to undeceive you. + </p> + <p> + Enter Servant. + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. My mistress desires you’ll get ready immediately, madam. The + horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We are to + go thirty miles before morning. [Exit Servant.] + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Well, well: I’ll come presently. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (To HASTINGS.) Was it well done, sir, to assist in rendering me + ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? Depend + upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Was it well done, sir, if you’re upon that subject, to deliver + what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another sir? + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will you increase my distress + by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you—— + </p> + <p> + Enter Servant. + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. [Exit Servant.] + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, I shall die + with apprehension. + </p> + <p> + Enter Servant. + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraint and + ill-nature lies before me, I’m sure it would convert your resentment into + pity. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I’m so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don’t know + what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my hasty + temper, and should not exasperate it. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. The torture of my situation is my only excuse. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me that + I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years will but + increase the happiness of our future connexion. If—— + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Within.) Miss Neville. Constance, why Constance, I say. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I’m coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy is the + word. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness, and + such happiness! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (To Tony.) You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your + folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and even + distress. + </p> + <p> + TONY. (From a reverie.) Ecod, I have hit it. It’s here. Your hands. Yours + and yours, my poor Sulky!—My boots there, ho!—Meet me two + hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if you don’t find Tony + Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I’ll give you + leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come along. + My boots, ho! [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT THE FIFTH. + </h2> + <p> + (SCENE continued.) + </p> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS and Servant. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say? + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post-coach, and the young + ’squire went on horseback. They’re thirty miles off by this time. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Then all my hopes are over. + </p> + <p> + SERVANT. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles has arrived. He and the old gentleman + of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow’s mistake this half hour. + They are coming this way. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless appointment at + the bottom of the garden. This is about the time. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth his + sublime commands! + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your + advances. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common + innkeeper, too. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, ha! + ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Well, I’m in too good spirits to think of anything but joy. + Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal + friendships hereditary; and though my daughter’s fortune is but small— + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to ME? My son is + possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a + good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they + like each other, as you say they do— + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. IF, man! I tell you they DO like each other. My daughter as + good as told me so. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and + here he comes to put you out of your IFS, I warrant him. + </p> + <p> + Enter MARLOW. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. I + can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour or two’s + laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She’ll never like + you the worse for it. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not + deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You take + me? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Come, boy, I’m an old fellow, and know what’s what as well as + you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most profound + respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You don’t think, + sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the family. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Impudence! No, I don’t say that—not quite impudence—though + girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little too, sometimes. But she + has told no tales, I assure you. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I never gave her the slightest cause. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. But this + is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father and I will + like you all the better for it. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. May I die, sir, if I ever—— + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I tell you, she don’t dislike you; and as I’m sure you like + her—— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Dear sir—I protest, sir—— + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as the + parson can tie you. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. But hear me, sir— + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Your father approves the match, I admire it; every moment’s + delay will be doing mischief. So— + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. But why won’t you hear me? By all that’s just and true, I never + gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even the most + distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview, and + that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) This fellow’s formal modest impudence is beyond + bearing. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your + commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without reluctance. I + hope you’ll exact no farther proofs of my duty, nor prevent me from + leaving a house in which I suffer so many mortifications. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. I’m astonished at the air of sincerity with which he parted. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. And I’m astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his + assurance. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness upon + her veracity. + </p> + <p> + Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely and without + reserve: has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and affection? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. The question is very abrupt, sir. But since you require + unreserved sincerity, I think he has. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than one + interview? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, several. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. But did be profess any attachment? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. A lasting one. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Much, sir. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Amazing! And all this formally? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Formally. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave, madam? + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. As most profest admirers do: said some civil things of my + face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of mine; + mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with pretended + rapture. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Now I’m perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his conversation + among women to be modest and submissive: this forward canting ranting + manner by no means describes him; and, I am confident, he never sat for + the picture. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of + my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will place + yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his passion to + me in person. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my happiness + in him must have an end. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. And if you don’t find him what I describe—I fear my + happiness must never have a beginning. [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + SCENE changes to the back of the Garden. + </p> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probably takes + a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, and I’ll + wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps with news of my + Constance. + </p> + <p> + Enter Tony, booted and spattered. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My honest ’squire! I now find you a man of your word. This looks + like friendship. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay, I’m your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, if + you knew but all. This riding by night, by the bye, is cursedly tiresome. + It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Are they in + safety? Are they housed? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad + driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I’d rather + ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found them? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. This is a riddle. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Riddle me this then. What’s that goes round the house, and round the + house, and never touches the house? + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I’m still astray. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Why, that’s it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, there’s not a + pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the + taste of. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! I understand: you took them in a round, while they + supposed themselves going forward, and so you have at last brought them + home again. + </p> + <p> + TONY. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed Lane, where we + stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of + Up-and-down Hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-tree + Heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in the + horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But no accident, I hope? + </p> + <p> + TONY. No, no. Only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks herself + forty miles off. She’s sick of the journey; and the cattle can scarce + crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with cousin, and + I’ll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow you. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My dear friend, how can I be grateful? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ay, now it’s dear friend, noble ’squire. Just now, it was all idiot, + cub, and run me through the guts. Damn YOUR way of fighting, I say. After + we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and be friends. But + if you had run me through the guts, then I should be dead, and you might + go kiss the hangman. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss Neville: + if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of the young + one. [Exit HASTINGS.] + </p> + <p> + TONY. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She’s got from the pond, and + draggled up to the waist like a mermaid. + </p> + <p> + Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, Tony, I’m killed! Shook! Battered to death. I shall + never survive it. That last jolt, that laid us against the quickset hedge, + has done my business. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for running + away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many + accidents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a + ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose our + way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony? + </p> + <p> + TONY. By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about forty miles + from home. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all the country. + We only want a robbery to make a complete night on’t. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Don’t be afraid, mamma, don’t be afraid. Two of the five that kept + here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don’t be afraid.—Is + that a man that’s galloping behind us? No; it’s only a tree.—Don’t + be afraid. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. The fright will certainly kill me. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, death! + </p> + <p> + TONY. No; it’s only a cow. Don’t be afraid, mamma; don’t be afraid. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. As I’m alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah! + I’m sure on’t. If he perceives us, we are undone. + </p> + <p> + TONY. (Aside.) Father-in-law, by all that’s unlucky, come to take one of + his night walks. (To her.) Ah, it’s a highwayman with pistols as long as + my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Good Heaven defend us! He approaches. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage him. If + there be any danger, I’ll cough, and cry hem. When I cough, be sure to + keep close. (MRS. HARDCASTLE hides behind a tree in the back scene.) + </p> + <p> + Enter HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I’m mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of help. Oh, + Tony! is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are your mother and + her charge in safety? + </p> + <p> + TONY. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree’s. Hem. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Ah, death! I find there’s danger. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Forty miles in three hours; sure that’s too much, my + youngster. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. + Hem. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Sure he’ll do the dear boy no harm. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from whence + it came. + </p> + <p> + TONY. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty miles + in four hours was very good going. Hem. As to be sure it was. Hem. I have + got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We’ll go in, if you please. + Hem. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. But if you talked to yourself you did not answer yourself. I’m + certain I heard two voices, and am resolved (raising his voice) to find + the other out. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Oh! he’s coming to find me out. Oh! + </p> + <p> + TONY. What need you go, sir, if I tell you? Hem. I’ll lay down my life for + the truth—hem—I’ll tell you all, sir. [Detaining him.] + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I tell you I will not be detained. I insist on seeing. It’s in + vain to expect I’ll believe you. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Running forward from behind.) O lud! he’ll murder my + poor boy, my darling! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me. Take + my money, my life, but spare that young gentleman; spare my child, if you + have any mercy. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. My wife, as I’m a Christian. From whence can she come? or what + does she mean? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Kneeling.) Take compassion on us, good Mr. Highwayman. + Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare our lives. We will + never bring you to justice; indeed we won’t, good Mr. Highwayman. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I believe the woman’s out of her senses. What, Dorothy, don’t + you know ME? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Mr. Hardcastle, as I’m alive! My fears blinded me. But + who, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this frightful + place, so far from home? What has brought you to follow us? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits? So far from home, + when you are within forty yards of your own door! (To him.) This is one of + your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you. (To her.) Don’t you know the + gate, and the mulberry-tree; and don’t you remember the horse-pond, my + dear? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yes, I shall remember the horse-pond as long as I live; I + have caught my death in it. (To TONY.) And it is to you, you graceless + varlet, I owe all this? I’ll teach you to abuse your mother, I will. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Ecod, mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so you + may take the fruits on’t. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. I’ll spoil you, I will. [Follows him off the stage. + Exit.] + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. There’s morality, however, in his reply. [Exit.] + </p> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My dear Constance, why will you deliberate thus? If we delay a + moment, all is lost for ever. Pluck up a little resolution, and we shall + soon be out of the reach of her malignity. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. I find it impossible. My spirits are so sunk with the + agitations I have suffered, that I am unable to face any new danger. Two + or three years’ patience will at last crown us with happiness. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. Such a tedious delay is worse than inconstancy. Let us fly, my + charmer. Let us date our happiness from this very moment. Perish fortune! + Love and content will increase what we possess beyond a monarch’s revenue. + Let me prevail! + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. No, Mr. Hastings, no. Prudence once more comes to my relief, + and I will obey its dictates. In the moment of passion fortune may be + despised, but it ever produces a lasting repentance. I’m resolved to apply + to Mr. Hardcastle’s compassion and justice for redress. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. But though he had the will, he has not the power to relieve you. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. But he has influence, and upon that I am resolved to rely. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. I have no hopes. But since you persist, I must reluctantly obey + you. [Exeunt.] + </p> + <p> + SCENE changes. + </p> + <p> + Enter SIR CHARLES and MISS HARDCASTLE. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. What a situation am I in! If what you say appears, I shall + then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall then lose one + that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. I am proud of your approbation, and to show I merit it, + if you place yourselves as I directed, you shall hear his explicit + declaration. But he comes. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. I’ll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. [Exit + SIR CHARLES.] + </p> + <p> + Enter MARLOW. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to take leave; + nor did I, till this moment, know the pain I feel in the separation. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. (In her own natural manner.) I believe sufferings cannot + be very great, sir, which you can so easily remove. A day or two longer, + perhaps, might lessen your uneasiness, by showing the little value of what + you now think proper to regret. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Aside.) This girl every moment improves upon me. (To her.) It + must not be, madam. I have already trifled too long with my heart. My very + pride begins to submit to my passion. The disparity of education and + fortune, the anger of a parent, and the contempt of my equals, begin to + lose their weight; and nothing can restore me to myself but this painful + effort of resolution. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Then go, sir: I’ll urge nothing more to detain you. + Though my family be as good as hers you came down to visit, and my + education, I hope, not inferior, what are these advantages without equal + affluence? I must remain contented with the slight approbation of imputed + merit; I must have only the mockery of your addresses, while all your + serious aims are fixed on fortune. + </p> + <p> + Enter HARDCASTLE and SIR CHARLES from behind. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Here, behind this screen. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Ay, ay; make no noise. I’ll engage my Kate covers him with + confusion at last. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. By heavens, madam! fortune was ever my smallest consideration. + Your beauty at first caught my eye; for who could see that without + emotion? But every moment that I converse with you steals in some new + grace, heightens the picture, and gives it stronger expression. What at + first seemed rustic plainness, now appears refined simplicity. What seemed + forward assurance, now strikes me as the result of courageous innocence + and conscious virtue. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. What can it mean? He amazes me! + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. I told you how it would be. Hush! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. I am now determined to stay, madam; and I have too good an opinion + of my father’s discernment, when he sees you, to doubt his approbation. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. No, Mr. Marlow, I will not, cannot detain you. Do you + think I could suffer a connexion in which there is the smallest room for + repentance? Do you think I would take the mean advantage of a transient + passion, to load you with confusion? Do you think I could ever relish that + happiness which was acquired by lessening yours? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. By all that’s good, I can have no happiness but what’s in your + power to grant me! Nor shall I ever feel repentance but in not having seen + your merits before. I will stay even contrary to your wishes; and though + you should persist to shun me, I will make my respectful assiduities atone + for the levity of my past conduct. + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I must entreat you’ll desist. As our acquaintance + began, so let it end, in indifference. I might have given an hour or two + to levity; but seriously, Mr. Marlow, do you think I could ever submit to + a connexion where I must appear mercenary, and you imprudent? Do you think + I could ever catch at the confident addresses of a secure admirer? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. (Kneeling.) Does this look like security? Does this look like + confidence? No, madam, every moment that shows me your merit, only serves + to increase my diffidence and confusion. Here let me continue—— + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. I can hold it no longer. Charles, Charles, how hast thou + deceived me! Is this your indifference, your uninteresting conversation? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Your cold contempt; your formal interview! What have you to + say now? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. That I’m all amazement! What can it mean? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. It means that you can say and unsay things at pleasure: that + you can address a lady in private, and deny it in public: that you have + one story for us, and another for my daughter. + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Daughter!—This lady your daughter? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, my only daughter; my Kate; whose else should she be? + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Oh, the devil! + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, that very identical tall squinting lady you + were pleased to take me for (courtseying); she that you addressed as the + mild, modest, sentimental man of gravity, and the bold, forward, agreeable + Rattle of the Ladies’ Club. Ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Zounds! there’s no bearing this; it’s worse than death! + </p> + <p> + MISS HARDCASTLE. In which of your characters, sir, will you give us leave + to address you? As the faltering gentleman, with looks on the ground, that + speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loud confident + creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old Miss Biddy Buckskin, + till three in the morning? Ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. O, curse on my noisy head. I never attempted to be impudent yet, + that I was not taken down. I must be gone. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it was all a + mistake, and I am rejoiced to find it. You shall not, sir, I tell you. I + know she’ll forgive you. Won’t you forgive him, Kate? We’ll all forgive + you. Take courage, man. (They retire, she tormenting him, to the back + scene.) + </p> + <p> + Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and Tony. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. So, so, they’re gone off. Let them go, I care not. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Who gone? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dutiful niece and her gentleman, Mr. Hastings, from + town. He who came down with our modest visitor here. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. Who, my honest George Hastings? As worthy a fellow as lives, + and the girl could not have made a more prudent choice. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Then, by the hand of my body, I’m proud of the connexion. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, if he has taken away the lady, he has not taken her + fortune; that remains in this family to console us for her loss. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you would not be so mercenary? + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, that’s my affair, not yours. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. But you know if your son, when of age, refuses to marry his + cousin, her whole fortune is then at her own disposal. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, but he’s not of age, and she has not thought proper + to wait for his refusal. + </p> + <p> + Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) What, returned so soon! I begin not to like it. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (To HARDCASTLE.) For my late attempt to fly off with your niece + let my present confusion be my punishment. We are now come back, to appeal + from your justice to your humanity. By her father’s consent, I first paid + her my addresses, and our passions were first founded in duty. + </p> + <p> + MISS NEVILLE. Since his death, I have been obliged to stoop to + dissimulation to avoid oppression. In an hour of levity, I was ready to + give up my fortune to secure my choice. But I am now recovered from the + delusion, and hope from your tenderness what is denied me from a nearer + connexion. + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pshaw, pshaw! this is all but the whining end of a modern + novel. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Be it what it will, I’m glad they’re come back to reclaim + their due. Come hither, Tony, boy. Do you refuse this lady’s hand whom I + now offer you? + </p> + <p> + TONY. What signifies my refusing? You know I can’t refuse her till I’m of + age, father. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. While I thought concealing your age, boy, was likely to + conduce to your improvement, I concurred with your mother’s desire to keep + it secret. But since I find she turns it to a wrong use, I must now + declare you have been of age these three months. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Of age! Am I of age, father? + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. Above three months. + </p> + <p> + TONY. Then you’ll see the first use I’ll make of my liberty. (Taking MISS + NEVILLE’s hand.) Witness all men by these presents, that I, Anthony + Lumpkin, Esquire, of BLANK place, refuse you, Constantia Neville, + spinster, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. So Constance + Neville may marry whom she pleases, and Tony Lumpkin is his own man again. + </p> + <p> + SIR CHARLES. O brave ’squire! + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. My worthy friend! + </p> + <p> + MRS. HARDCASTLE. My undutiful offspring! + </p> + <p> + MARLOW. Joy, my dear George! I give you joy sincerely. And could I prevail + upon my little tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should be the happiest + man alive, if you would return me the favour. + </p> + <p> + HASTINGS. (To MISS HARDCASTLE.) Come, madam, you are now driven to the + very last scene of all your contrivances. I know you like him, I’m sure he + loves you, and you must and shall have him. + </p> + <p> + HARDCASTLE. (Joining their hands.) And I say so too. And, Mr. Marlow, if + she makes as good a wife as she has a daughter, I don’t believe you’ll + ever repent your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrow we shall gather all + the poor of the parish about us, and the mistakes of the night shall be + crowned with a merry morning. So, boy, take her; and as you have been + mistaken in the mistress, my wish is, that you may never be mistaken in + the wife. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..696429b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #383 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/383) diff --git a/old/383.txt b/old/383.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..618947a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/383.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3792 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of She Stoops to Conquer, by Oliver Goldsmith + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: She Stoops to Conquer + or, The Mistakes of a Night. A Comedy. + +Author: Oliver Goldsmith + +Posting Date: July 11, 2008 [EBook #383] +Release Date: December, 1995 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER *** + + + + +Produced by G. R. Young + + + + + +"SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER" + +by Oliver Goldsmith + + + +She Stoops To Conquer; Or, The Mistakes Of A Night. + +A Comedy. + + +To Samuel Johnson, LL.D. + + +Dear Sir,--By inscribing this slight performance to you, I do not mean +so much to compliment you as myself. It may do me some honour to +inform the public, that I have lived many years in intimacy with you. +It may serve the interests of mankind also to inform them, that the +greatest wit may be found in a character, without impairing the most +unaffected piety. + +I have, particularly, reason to thank you for your partiality to this +performance. The undertaking a comedy not merely sentimental was very +dangerous; and Mr. Colman, who saw this piece in its various stages, +always thought it so. However, I ventured to trust it to the public; +and, though it was necessarily delayed till late in the season, I have +every reason to be grateful. + +I am, dear Sir, your most sincere friend and admirer, + +OLIVER GOLDSMITH. + + + + +PROLOGUE, + +By David Garrick, Esq. + + +Enter MR. WOODWARD, dressed in black, and holding a handkerchief +to his eyes. + + Excuse me, sirs, I pray--I can't yet speak-- + I'm crying now--and have been all the week. + "'Tis not alone this mourning suit," good masters: + "I've that within"--for which there are no plasters! + Pray, would you know the reason why I'm crying? + The Comic Muse, long sick, is now a-dying! + And if she goes, my tears will never stop; + For as a player, I can't squeeze out one drop: + I am undone, that's all--shall lose my bread-- + I'd rather, but that's nothing--lose my head. + When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier, + Shuter and I shall be chief mourners here. + To her a mawkish drab of spurious breed, + Who deals in sentimentals, will succeed! + Poor Ned and I are dead to all intents; + We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments! + Both nervous grown, to keep our spirits up. + We now and then take down a hearty cup. + What shall we do? If Comedy forsake us, + They'll turn us out, and no one else will take us. + But why can't I be moral?--Let me try-- + My heart thus pressing--fixed my face and eye-- + With a sententious look, that nothing means, + (Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes) + Thus I begin: "All is not gold that glitters, + "Pleasure seems sweet, but proves a glass of bitters. + "When Ignorance enters, Folly is at hand: + "Learning is better far than house and land. + "Let not your virtue trip; who trips may stumble, + "And virtue is not virtue, if she tumble." + + I give it up--morals won't do for me; + To make you laugh, I must play tragedy. + One hope remains--hearing the maid was ill, + A Doctor comes this night to show his skill. + To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, + He, in Five Draughts prepar'd, presents a potion: + A kind of magic charm--for be assur'd, + If you will swallow it, the maid is cur'd: + But desperate the Doctor, and her case is, + If you reject the dose, and make wry faces! + This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, + No poisonous drugs are mixed in what he gives. + Should he succeed, you'll give him his degree; + If not, within he will receive no fee! + The College YOU, must his pretensions back, + Pronounce him Regular, or dub him Quack. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + + MEN. + + SIR CHARLES MARLOW Mr. Gardner. + YOUNG MARLOW (His Son) Mr. Lee Lewes. + HARDCASTLE Mr. Shuter. + HASTINGS Mr. Dubellamy. + TONY LUMPKIN Mr. Quick. + DIGGORY Mr. Saunders. + + WOMEN. + + MRS. HARDCASTLE Mrs. Green. + MISS HARDCASTLE Mrs. Bulkley. + MISS NEVILLE Mrs. Kniveton. + MAID Miss Williams. + + LANDLORD, SERVANTS, Etc. Etc. + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE--A Chamber in an old-fashioned House. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MR. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you're very particular. Is +there a creature in the whole country but ourselves, that does not take +a trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There's the +two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month's +polishing every winter. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them the +whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! In +my time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they +travel faster than a stage-coach. Its fopperies come down not only as +inside passengers, but in the very basket. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have been +telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old +rumbling mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we +never see company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the +curate's wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all +our entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of +Marlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery. + +HARDCASTLE. And I love it. I love everything that's old: old +friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, +Dorothy (taking her hand), you'll own I have been pretty fond of an old +wife. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you're for ever at your +Dorothys and your old wifes. You may be a Darby, but I'll be no Joan, +I promise you. I'm not so old as you'd make me, by more than one good +year. Add twenty to twenty, and make money of that. + +HARDCASTLE. Let me see; twenty added to twenty makes just fifty and +seven. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. It's false, Mr. Hardcastle; I was but twenty when I +was brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first +husband; and he's not come to years of discretion yet. + +HARDCASTLE. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you have +taught him finely. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. No matter. Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My son +is not to live by his learning. I don't think a boy wants much +learning to spend fifteen hundred a year. + +HARDCASTLE. Learning, quotha! a mere composition of tricks and +mischief. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Humour, my dear; nothing but humour. Come, Mr. +Hardcastle, you must allow the boy a little humour. + +HARDCASTLE. I'd sooner allow him a horse-pond. If burning the +footmen's shoes, frightening the maids, and worrying the kittens be +humour, he has it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back +of my chair, and when I went to make a bow, I popt my bald head in Mrs. +Frizzle's face. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. And am I to blame? The poor boy was always too +sickly to do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes to +be a little stronger, who knows what a year or two's Latin may do for +him? + +HARDCASTLE. Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. No, no; the alehouse +and the stable are the only schools he'll ever go to. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for I +believe we shan't have him long among us. Anybody that looks in his +face may see he's consumptive. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. He coughs sometimes. + +HARDCASTLE. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I'm actually afraid of his lungs. + +HARDCASTLE. And truly so am I; for he sometimes whoops like a +speaking trumpet--(Tony hallooing behind the scenes)--O, there he +goes--a very consumptive figure, truly. + + +Enter TONY, crossing the stage. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Tony, where are you going, my charmer? Won't you +give papa and I a little of your company, lovee? + +TONY. I'm in haste, mother; I cannot stay. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. You shan't venture out this raw evening, my dear; you +look most shockingly. + +TONY. I can't stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me down +every moment. There's some fun going forward. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay; the alehouse, the old place: I thought so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A low, paltry set of fellows. + +TONY. Not so low, neither. There's Dick Muggins the exciseman, Jack +Slang the horse doctor, Little Aminadab that grinds the music box, and +Tom Twist that spins the pewter platter. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night at +least. + +TONY. As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but I +can't abide to disappoint myself. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (detaining him.) You shan't go. + +TONY. I will, I tell you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I say you shan't. + +TONY. We'll see which is strongest, you or I. [Exit, hauling her +out.] + +HARDCASTLE. (solus.) Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each +other. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and +discretion out of doors? There's my pretty darling Kate! the fashions +of the times have almost infected her too. By living a year or two in +town, she is as fond of gauze and French frippery as the best of them. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Blessings on my pretty innocence! drest out as usual, my +Kate. Goodness! What a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou got +about thee, girl! I could never teach the fools of this age, that the +indigent world could be clothed out of the trimmings of the vain. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You know our agreement, sir. You allow me the +morning to receive and pay visits, and to dress in my own manner; and +in the evening I put on my housewife's dress to please you. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, remember, I insist on the terms of our agreement; +and, by the bye, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obedience +this very evening. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I don't comprehend your meaning. + +HARDCASTLE. Then to be plain with you, Kate, I expect the young +gentleman I have chosen to be your husband from town this very day. I +have his father's letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, +and that he intends to follow himself shortly after. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Indeed! I wish I had known something of this +before. Bless me, how shall I behave? It's a thousand to one I +shan't like him; our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing of +business, that I shall find no room for friendship or esteem. + +HARDCASTLE. Depend upon it, child, I'll never control your choice; but +Mr. Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir +Charles Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. The young +gentleman has been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment in +the service of his country. I am told he's a man of an excellent +understanding. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Is he? + +HARDCASTLE. Very generous. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I believe I shall like him. + +HARDCASTLE. Young and brave. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure I shall like him. + +HARDCASTLE. And very handsome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, say no more, (kissing his hand), he's +mine; I'll have him. + +HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the most bashful and +reserved young fellows in all the world. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Eh! you have frozen me to death again. That word +RESERVED has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved +lover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband. + +HARDCASTLE. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides in a breast that +is not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his +character that first struck me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. He must have more striking features to catch me, I +promise you. However, if he be so young, so handsome, and so +everything as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I think I'll have +him. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It's more than +an even wager he may not have you. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you mortify one so?--Well, if +he refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I'll only +break my glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, and +look out for some less difficult admirer. + +HARDCASTLE. Bravely resolved! In the mean time I'll go prepare the +servants for his reception: as we seldom see company, they want as much +training as a company of recruits the first day's muster. [Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone). Lud, this news of papa's puts me all in a +flutter. Young, handsome: these he put last; but I put them foremost. +Sensible, good-natured; I like all that. But then reserved and +sheepish; that's much against him. Yet can't he be cured of his +timidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can't +I--But I vow I'm disposing of the husband before I have secured the +lover. + + +Enter MISS NEVILLE. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my dear. Tell me, +Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there anything whimsical +about me? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am I in face +to-day? + +MISS NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again--bless +me!--sure no accident has happened among the canary birds or the gold +fishes. Has your brother or the cat been meddling? or has the last +novel been too moving? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened--I +can scarce get it out--I have been threatened with a lover. + +MISS NEVILLE. And his name-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow. + +MISS NEVILLE. Indeed! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. The son of Sir Charles Marlow. + +MISS NEVILLE. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my +admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him +when we lived in town. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never. + +MISS NEVILLE. He's a very singular character, I assure you. Among +women of reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his +acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of +another stamp: you understand me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. An odd character indeed. I shall never be able to +manage him. What shall I do? Pshaw, think no more of him, but trust +to occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear? +has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony as usual? + +MISS NEVILLE. I have just come from one of our agreeable +tete-a-tetes. She has been saying a hundred tender things, and setting +off her pretty monster as the very pink of perfection. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is such, that she actually thinks +him so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she +has the sole management of it, I'm not surprised to see her unwilling +to let it go out of the family. + +MISS NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, +is no such mighty temptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be +but constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. However, +I let her suppose that I am in love with her son; and she never once +dreams that my affections are fixed upon another. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almost +love him for hating you so. + +MISS NEVILLE. It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm sure +would wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt's +bell rings for our afternoon's walk round the improvements. Allons! +Courage is necessary, as our affairs are critical. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. "Would it were bed-time, and all were well." +[Exeunt.] + + +SCENE--An Alehouse Room. Several shabby Fellows with punch and +tobacco. TONY at the head of the table, a little higher than the +rest, a mallet in his hand. + + +OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo! + +FIRST FELLOW Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. The 'squire is +going to knock himself down for a song. + +OMNES. Ay, a song, a song! + +TONY. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon this +alehouse, the Three Pigeons. + + +SONG. + + Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain + With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, + Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, + Gives GENUS a better discerning. + Let them brag of their heathenish gods, + Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians, + Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods, + They're all but a parcel of Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + When methodist preachers come down, + A-preaching that drinking is sinful, + I'll wager the rascals a crown, + They always preach best with a skinful. + But when you come down with your pence, + For a slice of their scurvy religion, + I'll leave it to all men of sense, + But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + Then come, put the jorum about, + And let us be merry and clever, + Our hearts and our liquors are stout, + Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. + Let some cry up woodcock or hare, + Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons; + But of all the GAY birds in the air, + Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + +OMNES. Bravo, bravo! + +FIRST FELLOW. The 'squire has got spunk in him. + +SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us +nothing that's low. + +THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that's low, I cannot bear it. + +FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time: if so +be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly. + +THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though I +am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. +May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very +genteelest of tunes; "Water Parted," or "The minuet in Ariadne." + +SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the 'squire is not come to his own. +It would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him. + +TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I'd then show what it was +to keep choice of company. + +SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sure +old 'Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. +For winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a +wench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he +kept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county. + +TONY. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no bastard, I promise you. I +have been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to begin +with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no +reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter? + + +Enter Landlord. + + +LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. They +have lost their way upo' the forest; and they are talking something +about Mr. Hardcastle. + +TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that's +coming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners? + +LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen. + +TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I'll set them right in a +twinkling. (Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good enough +company for you, step down for a moment, and I'll be with you in the +squeezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob.] + +TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been calling me whelp and hound this +half year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old +grumbletonian. But then I'm afraid--afraid of what? I shall soon be +worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of THAT if he +can. + + +Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS. + + +MARLOW. What a tedious uncomfortable day have we had of it! We were +told it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above +threescore. + +HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours, +that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way. + +MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an +obligation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an +unmannerly answer. + +HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any +answer. + +TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told you have been inquiring for +one Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of the +country you are in? + +HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for +information. + +TONY. Nor the way you came? + +HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can inform us---- + +TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor +where you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform +you is, that--you have lost your way. + +MARLOW. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. + +TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place from +whence you came? + +MARLOW. That's not necessary towards directing us where we are to go. + +TONY. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know. +Pray, gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, +old-fashioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and a +pretty son? + +HASTINGS. We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you +mention. + +TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole; +the son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fond +of. + +MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be +well-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up and +spoiled at his mother's apron-string. + +TONY. He-he-hem!--Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you +won't reach Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I believe. + +HASTINGS. Unfortunate! + +TONY. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, dirty, dangerous way. Stingo, +tell the gentlemen the way to Mr. Hardcastle's! (Winking upon the +Landlord.) Mr. Hardcastle's, of Quagmire Marsh, you understand me. + +LANDLORD. Master Hardcastle's! Lock-a-daisy, my masters, you're come +a deadly deal wrong! When you came to the bottom of the hill, you +should have crossed down Squash Lane. + +MARLOW. Cross down Squash Lane! + +LANDLORD. Then you were to keep straight forward, till you came to +four roads. + +MARLOW. Come to where four roads meet? + +TONY. Ay; but you must be sure to take only one of them. + +MARLOW. O, sir, you're facetious. + +TONY. Then keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you come +upon Crackskull Common: there you must look sharp for the track of the +wheel, and go forward till you come to farmer Murrain's barn. Coming +to the farmer's barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to the +left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the old +mill-- + +MARLOW. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude! + +HASTINGS. What's to be done, Marlow? + +MARLOW. This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps the +landlord can accommodate us. + +LANDLORD. Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the whole +house. + +TONY. And to my knowledge, that's taken up by three lodgers already. +(After a pause, in which the rest seem disconcerted.) I have hit it. +Don't you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentlemen +by the fire-side, with----three chairs and a bolster? + +HASTINGS. I hate sleeping by the fire-side. + +MARLOW. And I detest your three chairs and a bolster. + +TONY. You do, do you? then, let me see--what if you go on a mile +further, to the Buck's Head; the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of +the best inns in the whole county? + +HASTINGS. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, +however. + +LANDLORD. (apart to TONY). Sure, you ben't sending them to your +father's as an inn, be you? + +TONY. Mum, you fool you. Let THEM find that out. (To them.) You +have only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old +house by the road side. You'll see a pair of large horns over the +door. That's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. + +HASTINGS. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss the +way? + +TONY. No, no: but I tell you, though, the landlord is rich, and going +to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving +your presence, he! he! he! He'll be for giving you his company; and, +ecod, if you mind him, he'll persuade you that his mother was an +alderman, and his aunt a justice of peace. + +LANDLORD. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as good +wines and beds as any in the whole country. + +MARLOW. Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no farther +connexion. We are to turn to the right, did you say? + +TONY. No, no; straight forward. I'll just step myself, and show you a +piece of the way. (To the Landlord.) Mum! + +LANDLORD. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant--damn'd +mischievous son of a whore. [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE--An old-fashioned House. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward Servants. + + +HARDCASTLE. Well, I hope you are perfect in the table exercise I have +been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your +places, and can show that you have been used to good company, without +ever stirring from home. + +OMNES. Ay, ay. + +HARDCASTLE. When company comes you are not to pop out and stare, and +then run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren. + +OMNES. No, no. + +HARDCASTLE. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make +a show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the +plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to stand +so, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your +pockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory +carries his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's no +great matter. + +DIGGORY. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands this +way when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill---- + +HARDCASTLE. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all +attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of +talking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see +us eat, and not think of eating. + +DIGGORY. By the laws, your worship, that's parfectly unpossible. +Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod, he's always wishing +for a mouthful himself. + +HARDCASTLE. Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good as +a belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection. + +DIGGORY. Ecod, I thank your worship, I'll make a shift to stay my +stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry. + +HARDCASTLE. Diggory, you are too talkative.--Then, if I happen to say +a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out +a-laughing, as if you made part of the company. + +DIGGORY. Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of Ould +Grouse in the gun-room: I can't help laughing at that--he! he! +he!--for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty +years--ha! ha! ha! + +HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Well, honest +Diggory, you may laugh at that--but still remember to be attentive. +Suppose one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will +you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you please (to DIGGORY).--Eh, why +don't you move? + +DIGGORY. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the +eatables and drinkables brought upo' the table, and then I'm as bauld +as a lion. + +HARDCASTLE. What, will nobody move? + +FIRST SERVANT. I'm not to leave this pleace. + +SECOND SERVANT. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. + +THIRD SERVANT. Nor mine, for sartain. + +DIGGORY. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. + +HARDCASTLE. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are +quarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. O you dunces! I +find I must begin all over again----But don't I hear a coach drive into +the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time and +give my old friend's son a hearty reception at the gate. [Exit +HARDCASTLE.] + +DIGGORY. By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head. + +ROGER. I know that my pleace is to be everywhere. + +FIRST SERVANT. Where the devil is mine? + +SECOND SERVANT. My pleace is to be nowhere at all; and so I'ze go +about my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about as if frightened, +different ways.] + + +Enter Servant with candles, showing in MARLOW and HASTINGS. + + +SERVANT. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! This way. + +HASTINGS. After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, +Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my +word, a very well-looking house; antique but creditable. + +MARLOW. The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the +master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as +an inn. + +HASTINGS. As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these +fineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marble +chimney-piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame a +reckoning confoundedly. + +MARLOW. Travellers, George, must pay in all places: the only +difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad +inns you are fleeced and starved. + +HASTINGS. You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have been +often surprised, that you who have seen so much of the world, with your +natural good sense, and your many opportunities, could never yet +acquire a requisite share of assurance. + +MARLOW. The Englishman's malady. But tell me, George, where could I +have learned that assurance you talk of? My life has been chiefly +spent in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the +creation that chiefly teach men confidence. I don't know that I was +ever familiarly acquainted with a single modest woman--except my +mother--But among females of another class, you know---- + +HASTINGS. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. + +MARLOW. They are of US, you know. + +HASTINGS. But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such +an idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wanted +an opportunity of stealing out of the room. + +MARLOW. Why, man, that's because I do want to steal out of the room. +Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle +away at any rate. But I don't know how, a single glance from a pair of +fine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may +counterfeit modesty; but I'll be hanged if a modest man can ever +counterfeit impudence. + +HASTINGS. If you could but say half the fine things to them that I +have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college +bed-maker---- + +MARLOW. Why, George, I can't say fine things to them; they freeze, +they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or +some such bagatelle; but, to me, a modest woman, drest out in all her +finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. + +HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect to +marry? + +MARLOW. Never; unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be +courted by proxy. If, indeed, like an Eastern bridegroom, one were to +be introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might be endured. But +to go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the +episode of aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, and at last to blurt out +the broad staring question of, Madam, will you marry me? No, no, +that's a strain much above me, I assure you. + +HASTINGS. I pity you. But how do you intend behaving to the lady you +are come down to visit at the request of your father? + +MARLOW. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow very low, answer yes or +no to all her demands--But for the rest, I don't think I shall venture +to look in her face till I see my father's again. + +HASTINGS. I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so +cool a lover. + +MARLOW. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down was +to be instrumental in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss +Neville loves you, the family don't know you; as my friend you are sure +of a reception, and let honour do the rest. + +HASTINGS. My dear Marlow! But I'll suppress the emotion. Were I a +wretch, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the last +man in the world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville's +person is all I ask, and that is mine, both from her deceased father's +consent, and her own inclination. + +MARLOW. Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman. +I'm doom'd to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of +it I despise. This stammer in my address, and this awkward +prepossessing visage of mine, can never permit me to soar above the +reach of a milliner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane. +Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is +Mr. Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, +to receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like give them a +hearty reception in the old style at my gate. I like to see their +horses and trunks taken care of. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) He has got our names from the servants already. (To +him.) We approve your caution and hospitality, sir. (To HASTINGS.) I +have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the +morning. I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. + +HARDCASTLE. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house. + +HASTINGS. I fancy, Charles, you're right: the first blow is half the +battle. I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold. + +HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow--Mr. Hastings--gentlemen--pray be under no +constraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may do +just as you please here. + +MARLOW. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we +may want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the +embroidery to secure a retreat. + +HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of +the Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He first +summoned the garrison---- + +MARLOW. Don't you think the ventre d'or waistcoat will do with the +plain brown? + +HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the garrison, which might consist of +about five thousand men---- + +HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but very poorly. + +HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, be summoned the +garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men---- + +MARLOW. The girls like finery. + +HARDCASTLE. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well +appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, +says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to +him--you must have heard of George Brooks--I'll pawn my dukedom, says +he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So---- + +MARLOW. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the +mean time; it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour. + +HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside.) This is the most unaccountable kind +of modesty I ever met with. + +MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, +will be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know. + +HARDCASTLE. Here's a cup, sir. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let +us have just what he pleases. + +HARDCASTLE. (Taking the cup.) I hope you'll find it to your mind. I +have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the +ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? +Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. [Drinks.] + +MARLOW. (Aside.) A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character, +and I'll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks.] + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) I see this fellow wants to give us his company, +and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has learned to be a +gentleman. + +MARLOW. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you +have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, +now and then, at elections, I suppose. + +HARDCASTLE. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our +betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is no +business "for us that sell ale." + +HASTINGS. So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find. + +HARDCASTLE. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted +myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding +myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better, +I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about +Hyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service to +you. + +HASTINGS. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with +receiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead a +good pleasant bustling life of it. + +HARDCASTLE. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the +differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. + +MARLOW. (After drinking.) And you have an argument in your cup, old +gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an +innkeeper's philosophy. + +HASTINGS. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on +every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with +your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with +this. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks.] + +HARDCASTLE. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts +me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of +Belgrade. You shall hear. + +MARLOW. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time +to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for +supper? + +HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside.) Was ever such a request to a +man in his own house? + +MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall +make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. +(To him.) Why, really, sir, as for supper I can't well tell. My +Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave +these kind of things entirely to them. + +MARLOW. You do, do you? + +HARDCASTLE. Entirely. By the bye, I believe they are in actual +consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen. + +MARLOW. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council. +It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always chose to regulate my +own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir. + +HARDCASTLE. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our +Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these +occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the +house. + +HASTINGS. Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a +favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. + +MARLOW. (To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise.) Sir, he's +very right, and it's my way too. + +HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, +bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper: I believe it's drawn +out--Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel +Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper +till he had eaten it. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we +shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's +hear the bill of fare. + +MARLOW. (Perusing.) What's here? For the first course; for the +second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have +brought down a whole Joiners' Company, or the corporation of Bedford, +to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and +comfortable, will do. + +HASTINGS. But let's hear it. + +MARLOW. (Reading.) For the first course, at the top, a pig and prune +sauce. + +HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say. + +MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce, say I. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with +prune sauce is very good eating. + +MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf's tongue and brains. + +HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don't like +them. + +MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Their impudence confounds me. (To them.) +Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is +there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen? + +MARLOW. Item, a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, +a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff--taff--taffety cream. + +HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in +this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's +table. I'm for plain eating. + +HARDCASTLE. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if +there be anything you have a particular fancy to---- + +MARLOW. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any +one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. +So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and +properly taken care of. + +HARDCASTLE. I entreat you'll leave that to me. You shall not stir a +step. + +MARLOW. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I +always look to these things myself. + +HARDCASTLE. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that +head. + +MARLOW. You see I'm resolved on it. (Aside.) A very troublesome +fellow this, as I ever met with. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (Aside.) +This may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like +old-fashioned impudence. [Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE.] + +HASTINGS. (Alone.) So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow +troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant +to please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy! + + +Enter MISS NEVILLE. + + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to +what accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting? + +HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have +hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn. + +MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives +here. What could induce you to think this house an inn? + +HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have +been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we +accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither. + +MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, +of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha! + +HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such +just apprehensions? + +MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd +adore him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it +too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to +think she has made a conquest. + +HASTINGS. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have +just seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here to get +admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now +fatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, +if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon +be landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage are +respected. + +MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I +yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The +greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and +chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my +aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The +instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to +make them and myself yours. + +HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the +mean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know +the strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of +it, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for +execution. + +MISS NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss +Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to +deceive him?----This, this way----[They confer.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. The assiduities of these good people teaze me beyond bearing. +My host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he +claps not only himself, but his old-fashioned wife, on my back. They +talk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run +the gantlet through all the rest of the family.--What have we got here? + +HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!--The most +fortunate accident!--Who do you think is just alighted? + +MARLOW. Cannot guess. + +HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. +Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your +acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called on +their return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept +into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky? +eh! + +MARLOW. (Aside.) I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and +here comes something to complete my embarrassment. + +HASTINGS. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world? + +MARLOW. Oh! yes. Very fortunate--a most joyful encounter--But our +dresses, George, you know are in disorder--What if we should postpone +the happiness till to-morrow?--To-morrow at her own house--It will be +every bit as convenient--and rather more respectful--To-morrow let it +be. [Offering to go.] + +MISS NEVILLE. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. +The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience. +Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see +her. + +MARLOW. O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings, +you must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall be +confoundedly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. Hem! + +HASTINGS. Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge, and all's over. +She's but a woman, you know. + +MARLOW. And, of all women, she that I dread most to encounter. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking, a bonnet, etc. + + +HASTINGS. (Introducing them.) Miss Hardcastle, Mr. Marlow. I'm +proud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to +know, to esteem each other. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Now for meeting my modest gentleman with a +demure face, and quite in his own manner. (After a pause, in which he +appears very uneasy and disconcerted.) I'm glad of your safe arrival, +sir. I'm told you had some accidents by the way. + +MARLOW. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good many +accidents, but should be sorry--madam--or rather glad of any +accidents--that are so agreeably concluded. Hem! + +HASTINGS. (To him.) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep +it up, and I'll insure you the victory. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen so +much of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure +corner of the country. + +MARLOW. (Gathering courage.) I have lived, indeed, in the world, +madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but an +observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it. + +MISS NEVILLE. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last. + +HASTINGS. (To him.) Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and you +are confirmed in assurance for ever. + +MARLOW. (To him.) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I'm down, throw +in a word or two, to set me up again. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. An observer, like you, upon life were, I fear, +disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censure +than to approve. + +MARLOW. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The +folly of most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness. + +HASTINGS. (To him.) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole +life. Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are going +to be very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass +the interview. + +MARLOW. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all +things. (To him.) Zounds! George, sure you won't go? how can you +leave us? + +HASTINGS. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we'll retire to +the next room. (To him.) You don't consider, man, that we are to +manage a little tete-a-tete of our own. [Exeunt.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (after a pause). But you have not been wholly an +observer, I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed some +part of your addresses. + +MARLOW. (Relapsing into timidity.) Pardon me, madam, I--I--I--as yet +have studied--only--to--deserve them. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain +them. + +MARLOW. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the more +grave and sensible part of the sex. But I'm afraid I grow tiresome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as +grave conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed, I have +often been surprised how a man of sentiment could ever admire those +light airy pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart. + +MARLOW. It's----a disease----of the mind, madam. In the variety of +tastes there must be some who, wanting a relish----for----um--a--um. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you, sir. There must be some, who, +wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they +are incapable of tasting. + +MARLOW. My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And I +can't help observing----a---- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Who could ever suppose this fellow +impudent upon some occasions? (To him.) You were going to observe, +sir---- + +MARLOW. I was observing, madam--I protest, madam, I forget what I was +going to observe. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I vow and so do I. (To him.) You were +observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy--something about +hypocrisy, sir. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon +strict inquiry do not--a--a--a-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you perfectly, sir. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! and that's more than I do myself. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few +that do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think +they pay every debt to virtue when they praise it. + +MARLOW. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have +least of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure I tire you, madam. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Not in the least, sir; there's something so +agreeable and spirited in your manner, such life and force--pray, sir, +go on. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was saying----that there are some occasions, +when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the----and puts +us----upon a--a--a-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I agree with you entirely; a want of courage upon +some occasions assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when +we most want to excel. I beg you'll proceed. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. Morally speaking, madam--But I see Miss Neville +expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably +entertained in all my life. Pray go on. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam, I was----But she beckons us to join her. Madam, +shall I do myself the honour to attend you? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Well, then, I'll follow. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. +[Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone.) Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober, +sentimental interview? I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the +whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is +pretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, +that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a +little confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of +service. But who is that somebody?--That, faith, is a question I can +scarce answer. [Exit.] + + +Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. + + +TONY. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you're not +ashamed to be so very engaging. + +MISS NEVILLE. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, +and not be to blame. + +TONY. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me, +though; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do; so I beg +you'll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [She +follows, coquetting him to the back scene.] + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very +entertaining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of so much +as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. + +HASTINGS. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I +concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. +James's, or Tower Wharf. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O! sir, you're only pleased to say so. We country +persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that +serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can +have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, +the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I +can do is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every +tete-a-tete from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as +they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane. +Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings? + +HASTINGS. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. Your +friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I protest, I dressed it myself from a print in the +Ladies' Memorandum-book for the last year. + +HASTINGS. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house would +draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a City Ball. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such +thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little +particular, or one may escape in the crowd. + +HASTINGS. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. +(Bowing.) + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a +piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will +never argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted +him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to +plaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder. + +HASTINGS. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are +none ugly, so among the men there are none old. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his +usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig, +to convert it into a tete for my own wearing. + +HASTINGS. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and +it must become you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most +fashionable age about town? + +HASTINGS. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the +ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the +fashion. + +HASTINGS. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. +For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a +child, as a mere maker of samplers. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, +and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. + +HASTINGS. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of +yours, I should presume? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. +Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as +if they were man and wife already. (To them.) Well, Tony, child, what +soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? + +TONY. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be +followed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now that's left +to myself, but the stable. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in another story +behind your back. + +MISS NEVILLE. There's something generous in my cousin's manner. He +falls out before faces to be forgiven in private. + +TONY. That's a damned confounded--crack. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they are like +each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. +They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings +may see you. Come, Tony. + +TONY. You had as good not make me, I tell you. (Measuring.) + +MISS NEVILLE. O lud! he has almost cracked my head. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and +behave so! + +TONY. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made a +fool of no longer. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the +pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your +cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that +waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, +and weep while the receipt was operating? + +TONY. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever +since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete +Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through +Quincy next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of +no longer. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all +for your good? + +TONY. I wish you'd let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way +when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself; +not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. That's false; I never see you when you're in +spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm never +to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster! + +TONY. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my +heart, I see he does. + +HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a +little. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You +see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor +woman so plagued with a dear sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy? +[Exeunt MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE.] + +TONY. (Singing.) "There was a young man riding by, and fain would +have his will. Rang do didlo dee."----Don't mind her. Let her cry. +It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a +book for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better +the more it made them cry. + +HASTINGS. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty +young gentleman? + +TONY. That's as I find 'um. + +HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer? And +yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. + +TONY. That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod! I know +every inch about her; and there's not a more bitter cantankerous toad +in all Christendom. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) Pretty encouragement this for a lover! + +TONY. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many +tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day's breaking. + +HASTINGS. To me she appears sensible and silent. + +TONY. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmate, she's as +loud as a hog in a gate. + +HASTINGS. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me. + +TONY. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're +flung in a ditch. + +HASTINGS. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.--Yes, you must +allow her some beauty. + +TONY. Bandbox! She's all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see +Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she +has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit +cushion. She'd make two of she. + +HASTINGS. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter +bargain off your hands? + +TONY. Anon. + +HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave +you to happiness and your dear Betsy? + +TONY. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her? + +HASTINGS. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off +to France, and you shall never hear more of her. + +TONY. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'll +clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a +twinkling, and may he get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, +that you little dream of. + +HASTINGS. My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. + +TONY. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you +have done with me. + +(Singing.) +"We are the boys +That fears no noise +Where the thundering cannons roar." [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, alone. + + +HARDCASTLE. What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending +his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most +impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken +possession of the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took off his +boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm +desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She will +certainly be shocked at it. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. + + +HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I +bade you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your +commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their +propriety. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, +particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover +to-day. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and +I find the original exceeds the description. + +HARDCASTLE. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite +confounded all my faculties! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world +too! + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, he learned it all abroad--what a fool was I, to think +a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn +wit at a masquerade. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. It seems all natural to him. + +HARDCASTLE. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French +dancing-master. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-master +could never have taught him that timid look--that awkward address--that +bashful manner-- + +HARDCASTLE. Whose look? whose manner, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow's: his mauvaise honte, his timidity, +struck me at the first sight. + +HARDCASTLE. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of +the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so +modest. + +HARDCASTLE. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, +swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a +stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground. + +HARDCASTLE. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a +familiarity that made my blood freeze again. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured +the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never +laughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room +with a bow, and "Madam, I would not for the world detain you." + +HARDCASTLE. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; +asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my +best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of +the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good +hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a +maker of punch! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. One of us must certainly be mistaken. + +HARDCASTLE. If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined he +shall never have my consent. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall +never have mine. + +HARDCASTLE. In one thing then we are agreed--to reject him. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes: but upon conditions. For if you should find him +less impudent, and I more presuming--if you find him more respectful, +and I more importunate--I don't know--the fellow is well enough for a +man--Certainly, we don't meet many such at a horse-race in the country. + +HARDCASTLE. If we should find him so----But that's impossible. The +first appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And yet there may be many good qualities under that +first appearance. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, she +then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth +face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment +to my good sense, won't end with a sneer at my understanding? + +HARDCASTLE. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art +of reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to +make further discoveries? + +HARDCASTLE. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. +[Exeunt.] + + +Enter Tony, running in with a casket. + + +TONY. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's +necklaces, bobs and all. My mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of +their fortin neither. O! my genus, is that you? + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I +hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that +you are willing to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshed +in a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. + +TONY. And here's something to bear your charges by the way (giving the +casket); your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them: and hang those, I say, +that would rob you of one of them. + +HASTINGS. But how have you procured them from your mother? + +TONY. Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured them +by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's +bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man +may rob himself of his own at any time. + +HASTINGS. Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you; Miss +Neville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very +instant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of +obtaining them. + +TONY. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know how +it will be well enough; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in +her head. + +HASTINGS. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds +she has lost them. + +TONY. Never you mind her resentment, leave ME to manage that. I +don't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they +are. Morrice! Prance! [Exit HASTINGS.] + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you +want jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years +hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. + +MISS NEVILLE. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainly +improve it at twenty, madam. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural +blush is beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite +out at present. Don't you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my +Lady Kill-daylight, and Mrs. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their +jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back. + +MISS NEVILLE. But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall be +nameless would like me best with all my little finery about me? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, with +such a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, +Tony, my dear? does your cousin Con. want any jewels in your eyes to +set off her beauty? + +TONY. That's as thereafter may be. + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table-cut things. +They would make you look like the court of King Solomon at a +puppet-show. Besides, I believe, I can't readily come at them. They +may be missing, for aught I know to the contrary. + +TONY. (Apart to MRS. HARDCASTLE.) Then why don't you tell her so at +once, as she's so longing for them? Tell her they're lost. It's the +only way to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Apart to TONY.) You know, my dear, I'm only +keeping them for you. So if I say they're gone, you'll bear me +witness, will you? He! he! he! + +TONY. Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with my own +eyes. + +MISS NEVILLE. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be +permitted to show them as relics, and then they may be locked up +again. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I could +find them you should have them. They're missing, I assure you. Lost, +for aught I know; but we must have patience wherever they are. + +MISS NEVILLE. I'll not believe it! this is but a shallow pretence to +deny me. I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as +you are to answer for the loss-- + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Don't be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I must +restore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to +be found. + +TONY. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be +found; I'll take my oath on't. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we +lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how +calm I am. + +MISS NEVILLE. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of +others. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a +thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the mean +time you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. + +MISS NEVILLE. I detest garnets. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. The most becoming things in the world to set off a +clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You +SHALL have them. [Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir.--Was +ever anything so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to +wear her trumpery? + +TONY. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you +can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of +her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he'll tell +you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear cousin! + +TONY. Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. [Exit MISS +NEVILLE.] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catherine +wheel. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Confusion! thieves! robbers! we are cheated, +plundered, broke open, undone. + +TONY. What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has +happened to any of the good family! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. We are robbed. My bureau has been broken open, the +jewels taken out, and I'm undone. + +TONY. Oh! is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it +acted better in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, +ha! ha! ha! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Why, boy, I AM ruined in earnest. My bureau has been +broken open, and all taken away. + +TONY. Stick to that: ha! ha! ha! stick to that. I'll bear witness, +you know; call me to bear witness. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewels +are gone, and I shall be ruined for ever. + +TONY. Sure I know they're gone, and I'm to say so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say. + +TONY. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha! ha! I know +who took them well enough, ha! ha! ha! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the +difference between jest and earnest? I tell you I'm not in jest, +booby. + +TONY. That's right, that's right; you must be in a bitter passion, and +then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are +gone. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that +won't hear me? Can you bear witness that you're no better than a +fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and +thieves on the other? + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn +you out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her? +Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress? + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to vex +your mother, I will. + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him.] + + +Enter Miss HARDCASTLE and Maid. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of +mine, to send them to the house as an inn! ha! ha! I don't wonder at +his impudence. + +MAID. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by +in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He mistook +you for the bar-maid, madam. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did he? Then as I live, I'm resolved to keep up the +delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don't +you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem? + +MAID. It's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but +when she visits or receives company. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And are you sure he does not remember my face or +person? + +MAID. Certain of it. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I vow, I thought so; for, though we spoke for some +time together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up +during the interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him +from seeing me. + +MAID. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. In the first place I shall be seen, and that is no +small advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall +perhaps make an acquaintance, and that's no small victory gained over +one who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief +aim is, to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisible +champion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to +combat. + +MAID. But you are sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice +so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar +cant--Did your honour call?--Attend the Lion there--Pipes and tobacco +for the Angel.--The Lamb has been outrageous this half-hour. + +MAID. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Exit MAID.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce a +moment's repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and +his story: if I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her +curtsey down to the ground. I have at last got a moment to myself, and +now for recollection. [Walks and muses.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did you call, sir? Did your honour call? + +MARLOW. (Musing.) As for Miss Hardcastle, she's too grave and +sentimental for me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did your honour call? (She still places herself +before him, he turning away.) + +MARLOW. No, child. (Musing.) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, +I think she squints. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. + +MARLOW. No, no. (Musing.) I have pleased my father, however, by +coming down, and I'll to-morrow please myself by returning. [Taking +out his tablets, and perusing.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir? + +MARLOW. I tell you, no. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a +parcel of servants! + +MARLOW. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face.) Yes, child, I +think I did call. I wanted--I wanted--I vow, child, you are vastly +handsome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O la, sir, you'll make one ashamed. + +MARLOW. Never saw a more sprightly malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, +I did call. Have you got any of your--a--what d'ye call it in the +house? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days. + +MARLOW. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. +Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of a trial, of the +nectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that too. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Nectar! nectar! That's a liquor there's no call for +in these parts. French, I suppose. We sell no French wines here, sir. + +MARLOW. Of true English growth, I assure you. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it's odd I should not know it. We brew all +sorts of wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen +years. + +MARLOW. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar +before you were born. How old are you? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and +music should never be dated. + +MARLOW. To guess at this distance, you can't be much above forty +(approaching). Yet, nearer, I don't think so much (approaching). By +coming close to some women they look younger still; but when we come +very close indeed--(attempting to kiss her). + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you +wanted to know one's age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth. + +MARLOW. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at +this distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no +such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, +that was here awhile ago, in this obstropalous manner. I'll warrant +me, before her you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and +talked, for all the world, as if you was before a justice of peace. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad, she has hit it, sure enough! (To her.) In +awe of her, child? Ha! ha! ha! A mere awkward squinting thing; no, +no. I find you don't know me. I laughed and rallied her a little; but +I was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse +me! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the +ladies? + +MARLOW. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet hang me, I don't see +what they find in me to follow. At the Ladies' Club in town I'm called +their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one +I'm known by. My name is Solomons; Mr. Solomons, my dear, at your +service. (Offering to salute her.) + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Hold, sir; you are introducing me to your club, not +to yourself. And you're so great a favourite there, you say? + +MARLOW. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the +Countess of Sligo, Mrs. Langhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your +humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it's a very merry place, I suppose? + +MARLOW. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, and old women can make +us. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And their agreeable Rattle, ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! I don't quite like this chit. She looks +knowing, methinks. You laugh, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I can't but laugh, to think what time they all have +for minding their work or their family. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) All's well; she don't laugh at me. (To her.) Do +you ever work, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or quilt in the +whole house but what can bear witness to that. + +MARLOW. Odso! then you must show me your embroidery. I embroider and +draw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, you +must apply to me. (Seizing her hand.) + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, but the colours do not look well by candlelight. +You shall see all in the morning. (Struggling.) + +MARLOW. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the +power of resistance.--Pshaw! the father here! My old luck: I never +nicked seven that I did not throw ames ace three times following. +[Exit MARLOW.] + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in surprise. + + +HARDCASTLE. So, madam. So, I find THIS is your MODEST lover. This is +your humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only +adored at humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to deceive +your father so? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never trust me, dear papa, but he's still the modest +man I first took him for; you'll be convinced of it as well as I. + +HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, I believe his impudence is +infectious! Didn't I see him seize your hand? Didn't I see him haul +you about like a milkmaid? And now you talk of his respect and his +modesty, forsooth! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that he +has only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that +will improve with age, I hope you'll forgive him. + +HARDCASTLE. The girl would actually make one run mad! I tell you, +I'll not be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarce been three hours +in the house, and he has already encroached on all my prerogatives. +You may like his impudence, and call it modesty; but my son-in-law, +madam, must have very different qualifications. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you. + +HARDCASTLE. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts of +turning him out this very hour. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, an hour let it be then. But I'll have no trifling +with your father. All fair and open, do you mind me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, you have ever found that I considered +your commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty as +yet has been inclination. [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +HASTINGS. You surprise me; Sir Charles Marlow expected here this +night! Where have you had your information? + +MISS NEVILLE. You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr. +Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hours +after his son. + +HASTINGS. Then, my Constance, all must be completed before he +arrives. He knows me; and should he find me here, would discover my +name, and perhaps my designs, to the rest of the family. + +MISS NEVILLE. The jewels, I hope, are safe? + +HASTINGS. Yes, yes, I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the keys of +our baggage. In the mean time, I'll go to prepare matters for our +elopement. I have had the 'squire's promise of a fresh pair of horses; +and if I should not see him again, will write him further directions. +[Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. Well! success attend you. In the mean time I'll go and +amuse my aunt with the old pretence of a violent passion for my cousin. +[Exit.] + + +Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant. + + +MARLOW. I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so valuable a +thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I have +is the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door. Have you deposited the +casket with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into her +own hands? + +SERVANT. Yes, your honour. + +MARLOW. She said she'd keep it safe, did she? + +SERVANT. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how I +came by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me give an +account of myself. [Exit Servant.] + +MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! They're safe, however. What an unaccountable set +of beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid though runs in my +head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of +the family. She's mine, she must be mine, or I'm greatly mistaken. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended to +prepare at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits too! + +MARLOW. Give me joy, George! Crown me, shadow me with laurels! +Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don't want for success +among the women. + +HASTINGS. Some women, you mean. But what success has your honour's +modesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us? + +MARLOW. Didn't you see the tempting, brisk, lovely little thing, that +runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle? + +HASTINGS. Well, and what then? + +MARLOW. She's mine, you rogue you. Such fire, such motion, such +eyes, such lips; but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though. + +HASTINGS. But are you so sure, so very sure of her? + +MARLOW. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, and +I am to improve the pattern. + +HASTINGS. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of her +honour? + +MARLOW. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the bar-maid of an +inn. I don't intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's nothing +in this house I shan't honestly pay for. + +HASTINGS. I believe the girl has virtue. + +MARLOW. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that +would attempt to corrupt it. + +HASTINGS. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to +lock up? Is it in safety? + +MARLOW. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it. But +how could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door a place of +safety? Ah! numskull! I have taken better precautions for you than +you did for yourself----I have---- + +HASTINGS. What? + +MARLOW. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you. + +HASTINGS. To the landlady! + +MARLOW. The landlady. + +HASTINGS. You did? + +MARLOW. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know. + +HASTINGS. Yes, she'll bring it forth with a witness. + +MARLOW. Wasn't I right? I believe you'll allow that I acted +prudently upon this occasion. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) He must not see my uneasiness. + +MARLOW. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure +nothing has happened? + +HASTINGS. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life. +And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily +undertook the charge. + +MARLOW. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, +through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. Ha! +ha! ha! + +HASTINGS. He! he! he! They're safe, however. + +MARLOW. As a guinea in a miser's purse. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) So now all hopes of fortune are at an end, and we +must set off without it. (To him.) Well, Charles, I'll leave you to +your meditations on the pretty bar-maid, and, he! he! he! may you be as +successful for yourself, as you have been for me! [Exit.] + +MARLOW. Thank ye, George: I ask no more. Ha! ha! ha! + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. I no longer know my own house. It's turned all +topsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I'll bear it no +longer; and yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be calm. (To +him.) Mr. Marlow, your servant. I'm your very humble servant. +(Bowing low.) + +MARLOW. Sir, your humble servant. (Aside.) What's to be the wonder +now? + +HARDCASTLE. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man +alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son, sir. I hope you +think so? + +MARLOW. I do from my soul, sir. I don't want much entreaty. I +generally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes. + +HARDCASTLE. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I say +nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. +Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, +I assure you. + +MARLOW. I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine. If +they don't drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them not +to spare the cellar. I did, I assure you. (To the side scene.) Here, +let one of my servants come up. (To him.) My positive directions +were, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for my +deficiencies below. + +HARDCASTLE. Then they had your orders for what they do? I'm +satisfied! + +MARLOW. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of +themselves. + + +Enter Servant, drunk. + + +MARLOW. You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders? +Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, +for the good of the house? + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I begin to lose my patience. + +JEREMY. Please your honour, liberty and Fleet-street for ever! +Though I'm but a servant, I'm as good as another man. I'll drink for +no man before supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will sit upon a good +supper, but a good supper will not sit upon----hiccup----on my +conscience, sir. + +MARLOW. You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he can +possibly be. I don't know what you'd have more, unless you'd have the +poor devil soused in a beer-barrel. + +HARDCASTLE. Zounds! he'll drive me distracted, if I contain myself any +longer. Mr. Marlow--Sir; I have submitted to your insolence for more +than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I'm +now resolved to be master here, sir; and I desire that you and your +drunken pack may leave my house directly. + +MARLOW. Leave your house!----Sure you jest, my good friend! What? +when I'm doing what I can to please you. + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; so I desire you'll +leave my house. + +MARLOW. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o' night, and such a +night? You only mean to banter me. + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, I'm serious! and now that my passions are +roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I +command you to leave it directly. + +MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan't stir a step, I +assure you. (In a serious tone.) This your house, fellow! It's my +house. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What right +have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such +impudence, curse me; never in my whole life before. + +HARDCASTLE. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to my house, to +call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the +family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, "This +house is mine, sir." By all that's impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha! +ha! ha! Pray, sir (bantering), as you take the house, what think you +of taking the rest of the furniture? There's a pair of silver +candlesticks, and there's a fire-screen, and here's a pair of +brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may take a fancy to them? + +MARLOW. Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let's make no +more words about it. + +HARDCASTLE. There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the +Rake's Progress, for your own apartment? + +MARLOW. Bring me your bill, I say; and I'll leave you and your +infernal house directly. + +HARDCASTLE. Then there's a mahogany table that you may see your own +face in. + +MARLOW. My bill, I say. + +HARDCASTLE. I had forgot the great chair for your own particular +slumbers, after a hearty meal. + +MARLOW. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't. + +HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me, I +was taught to expect a well-bred modest man as a visitor here, but now +I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down +here presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit.] + +MARLOW. How's this? Sure I have not mistaken the house. Everything +looks like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the attendance is +awkward; the bar-maid, too, to attend us. But she's here, and will +further inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Let it be short, then. I'm in a hurry. (Aside.) I +believe be begins to find out his mistake. But it's too soon quite to +undeceive him. + +MARLOW. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what +may your business in this house be? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. A relation of the family, sir. + +MARLOW. What, a poor relation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep the +keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. + +MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law----what brought that in your head? One +of the best families in the country keep an inn--Ha! ha! ha! old Mr. +Hardcastle's house an inn! + +MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle's house, +child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be? + +MARLOW. So then, all's out, and I have been damnably imposed on. O, +confound my stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the whole town. I +shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The DULLISSIMO +MACCARONI. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and my +father's old friend for an innkeeper! What a swaggering puppy must he +take me for! What a silly puppy do I find myself! There again, may I +be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Dear me! dear me! I'm sure there's nothing in my +BEHAVIOUR to put me on a level with one of that stamp. + +MARLOW. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of +blunders, and could not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw +everything the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, and +your simplicity for allurement. But it's over. This house I no more +show MY face in. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you. +I'm sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been so +polite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure I should be +sorry (pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my account. I'm +sure I should be sorry if people said anything amiss, since I have no +fortune but my character. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) By Heaven! she weeps. This is the first mark of +tenderness I ever had from a modest woman, and it touches me. (To +her.) Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the family I +leave with reluctance. But to be plain with you, the difference of our +birth, fortune, and education, makes an honourable connexion +impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of seducing simplicity +that trusted in my honour, of bringing ruin upon one whose only fault +was being too lovely. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Generous man! I now begin to admire him. +(To him.) But I am sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's; and +though I'm poor, that's no great misfortune to a contented mind; and, +until this moment, I never thought that it was bad to want fortune. + +MARLOW. And why now, my pretty simplicity? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Because it puts me at a distance from one that, if I +had a thousand pounds, I would give it all to. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This simplicity bewitches me, so that if I stay, I'm +undone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her. (To her.) Your +partiality in my favour, my dear, touches me most sensibly: and were I +to live for myself alone, I could easily fix my choice. But I owe too +much to the opinion of the world, too much to the authority of a +father; so that--I can scarcely speak it--it affects me. Farewell. +[Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till now. He shall not +go, if I have power or art to detain him. I'll still preserve the +character in which I STOOPED TO CONQUER; but will undeceive my papa, +who perhaps may laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit.] + + +Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE. + + +TONY. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have done my +duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing; but she +believes it was all a mistake of the servants. + +MISS NEVILLE. But, my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake us in this +distress? If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall +certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree's, which is ten +times worse. + +TONY. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things. But what +can I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like +Whistle-jacket; and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted you +nicely before her face. Here she comes, we must court a bit or two +more, for fear she should suspect us. [They retire, and seem to +fondle.] + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. But my +son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, +however, till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her own +fortune. But what do I see? fondling together, as I'm alive. I never +saw Tony so sprightly before. Ah! have I caught you, my pretty doves? +What, billing, exchanging stolen glances and broken murmurs? Ah! + +TONY. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to be +sure. But there's no love lost between us. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make +it burn brighter. + +MISS NEVILLE. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at +home. Indeed, he shan't leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin +Tony, will it? + +TONY. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd sooner leave my horse in a +pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you +so becoming. + +MISS NEVILLE. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that natural +humour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless (patting his cheek)--ah! +it's a bold face. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pretty innocence! + +TONY. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con.'s hazle eyes, and her +pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the +haspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree. I was +never so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr. +Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con., shall be yours +incontinently. You shall have them. Isn't he a sweet boy, my dear? +You shall be married to-morrow, and we'll put off the rest of his +education, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, to a fitter opportunity. + + +Enter DIGGORY. + + +DIGGORY. Where's the 'squire? I have got a letter for your worship. + +TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. + +DIGGORY. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. + +TONY. Who does it come from? + +DIGGORY. Your worship mun ask that o' the letter itself. + +TONY. I could wish to know though (turning the letter, and gazing on +it). + +MISS NEVILLE. (Aside.) Undone! undone! A letter to him from +Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for +ever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. (To MRS. +HARDCASTLE.) But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's smart +answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed.--You must know, +madam.--This way a little, for he must not hear us. [They confer.] + +TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned cramp piece of penmanship, as ever I +saw in my life. I can read your print hand very well. But here are +such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head +from the tail.--"To Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire." It's very odd, I can +read the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough; but +when I come to open it, it's all----buzz. That's hard, very hard; for +the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was +too hard for the philosopher. + +MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A +little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled +him again. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. + +TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned up and down hand, as if it was +disguised in liquor.--(Reading.) Dear Sir,--ay, that's that. Then +there's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or +an R, confound me, I cannot tell. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. What's that, my dear? Can I give you any +assistance? + +MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand +better than I. (Twitching the letter from him.) Do you know who it is +from? + +TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder. + +MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read.) Dear 'Squire, +hoping that you're in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen +of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out of +feather. The odds--um--odd battle--um--long fighting--um--here, here, +it's all about cocks and fighting; it's of no consequence; here, put it +up, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him.) + +TONY. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. +I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you +make it out. Of no consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the letter.) + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. How's this?--(Reads.) "Dear 'Squire, I'm now +waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom of +the garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I +expect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. +Dispatch is necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, will +otherwise suspect us! Yours, Hastings." Grant me patience. I shall +run distracted! My rage chokes me. + +MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few +moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, +that belongs to another. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low.) Fine spoken, madam, you are +most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of +courtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone.) And you, you +great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth +shut: were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots +in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh +horses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, +instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to +run off with ME. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll +warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the +way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll show you, that I wish you +better than you do yourselves. [Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. So now I'm completely ruined. + +TONY. Ay, that's a sure thing. + +MISS NEVILLE. What better could be expected from being connected with +such a stupid fool,--and after all the nods and signs I made him? + +TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my +stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with +your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be +making believe. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown my +letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman? + +TONY. Here's another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was +her doing, not mine. + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. So I have been finely used here among you. Rendered +contemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. + +TONY. Here's another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose +presently. + +MISS NEVILLE. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe +every obligation. + +MARLOW. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance +and age are a protection? + +HASTINGS. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace +correction. + +MISS NEVILLE. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself +merry with all our embarrassments. + +HASTINGS. An insensible cub. + +MARLOW. Replete with tricks and mischief. + +TONY. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the +other----with baskets. + +MARLOW. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. +Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would +not undeceive me. + +HASTINGS. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time +for explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. + +MARLOW. But, sir---- + +MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was +too late to undeceive you. + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. The +horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We +are to go thirty miles before morning. [Exit Servant.] + +MISS NEVILLE. Well, well: I'll come presently. + +MARLOW. (To HASTINGS.) Was it well done, sir, to assist in rendering +me ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? +Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. + +HASTINGS. Was it well done, sir, if you're upon that subject, to +deliver what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another sir? + +MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will you increase my +distress by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you---- + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. [Exit +Servant.] + +MISS NEVILLE. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, I +shall die with apprehension. + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting. + +MISS NEVILLE. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraint +and ill-nature lies before me, I'm sure it would convert your +resentment into pity. + +MARLOW. I'm so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don't +know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my +hasty temper, and should not exasperate it. + +HASTINGS. The torture of my situation is my only excuse. + +MISS NEVILLE. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me +that I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years +will but increase the happiness of our future connexion. If---- + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Within.) Miss Neville. Constance, why Constance, I +say. + +MISS NEVILLE. I'm coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy is the +word. [Exit.] + +HASTINGS. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness, +and such happiness! + +MARLOW. (To Tony.) You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your +folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and +even distress. + +TONY. (From a reverie.) Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Your +hands. Yours and yours, my poor Sulky!--My boots there, ho!--Meet me +two hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if you don't find Tony +Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'll give you +leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come +along. My boots, ho! [Exeunt.] + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +(SCENE continued.) + + +Enter HASTINGS and Servant. + + +HASTINGS. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say? + +SERVANT. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post-coach, and the +young 'squire went on horseback. They're thirty miles off by this +time. + +HASTINGS. Then all my hopes are over. + +SERVANT. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles has arrived. He and the old +gentleman of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow's mistake this +half hour. They are coming this way. + +HASTINGS. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless +appointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time. +[Exit.] + + +Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth +his sublime commands! + +SIR CHARLES. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your +advances. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common +innkeeper, too. + +SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, +ha! ha! ha! + +HARDCASTLE. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but +joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our +personal friendships hereditary; and though my daughter's fortune is +but small-- + +SIR CHARLES. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to ME? My son is +possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a +good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they +like each other, as you say they do-- + +HARDCASTLE. IF, man! I tell you they DO like each other. My +daughter as good as told me so. + +SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know. + +HARDCASTLE. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and +here he comes to put you out of your IFS, I warrant him. + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. +I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. + +HARDCASTLE. Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour or +two's laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She'll +never like you the worse for it. + +MARLOW. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation. + +HARDCASTLE. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not +deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You +take me? + +MARLOW. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. + +HARDCASTLE. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what as well +as you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum. + +MARLOW. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most +profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You +don't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest +of the family. + +HARDCASTLE. Impudence! No, I don't say that--not quite +impudence--though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little +too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. + +MARLOW. I never gave her the slightest cause. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. But +this is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father +and I will like you all the better for it. + +MARLOW. May I die, sir, if I ever---- + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as I'm sure you +like her---- + +MARLOW. Dear sir--I protest, sir---- + +HARDCASTLE. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as +the parson can tie you. + +MARLOW. But hear me, sir-- + +HARDCASTLE. Your father approves the match, I admire it; every +moment's delay will be doing mischief. So-- + +MARLOW. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, I +never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even +the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one +interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) This fellow's formal modest impudence is beyond +bearing. + +SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped her hand, or made any +protestations? + +MARLOW. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your +commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without +reluctance. I hope you'll exact no farther proofs of my duty, nor +prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many +mortifications. [Exit.] + +SIR CHARLES. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he +parted. + +HARDCASTLE. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his +assurance. + +SIR CHARLES. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth. + +HARDCASTLE. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness +upon her veracity. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely and +without reserve: has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and +affection? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. The question is very abrupt, sir. But since you +require unreserved sincerity, I think he has. + +HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + +SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than one +interview? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, several. + +HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + +SIR CHARLES. But did be profess any attachment? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. A lasting one. + +SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Much, sir. + +SIR CHARLES. Amazing! And all this formally? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Formally. + +HARDCASTLE. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. + +SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave, madam? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. As most profest admirers do: said some civil things +of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of +mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with +pretended rapture. + +SIR CHARLES. Now I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his +conversation among women to be modest and submissive: this forward +canting ranting manner by no means describes him; and, I am confident, +he never sat for the picture. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your +face of my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will +place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his +passion to me in person. + +SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my +happiness in him must have an end. [Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And if you don't find him what I describe--I fear my +happiness must never have a beginning. [Exeunt.] + + +SCENE changes to the back of the Garden. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probably +takes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, +and I'll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps with +news of my Constance. + + +Enter Tony, booted and spattered. + + +HASTINGS. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man of your word. +This looks like friendship. + +TONY. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, +if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the bye, is cursedly +tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach. + +HASTINGS. But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Are +they in safety? Are they housed? + +TONY. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad +driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I'd rather +ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment. + +HASTINGS. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with +impatience. + +TONY. Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found +them? + +HASTINGS. This is a riddle. + +TONY. Riddle me this then. What's that goes round the house, and +round the house, and never touches the house? + +HASTINGS. I'm still astray. + +TONY. Why, that's it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, +there's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they +can tell the taste of. + +HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! I understand: you took them in a round, while +they supposed themselves going forward, and so you have at last brought +them home again. + +TONY. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed Lane, where +we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of +Up-and-down Hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-tree +Heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in +the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. + +HASTINGS. But no accident, I hope? + +TONY. No, no. Only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks +herself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey; and the cattle can +scarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with +cousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow +you. + +HASTINGS. My dear friend, how can I be grateful? + +TONY. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'squire. Just now, it was all +idiot, cub, and run me through the guts. Damn YOUR way of fighting, I +say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and be +friends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should be +dead, and you might go kiss the hangman. + +HASTINGS. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss +Neville: if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of +the young one. [Exit HASTINGS.] + +TONY. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She's got from the +pond, and draggled up to the waist like a mermaid. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, Tony, I'm killed! Shook! Battered to death. I +shall never survive it. That last jolt, that laid us against the +quickset hedge, has done my business. + +TONY. Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for +running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many +accidents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a +ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose +our way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony? + +TONY. By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about forty +miles from home. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all the +country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't. + +TONY. Don't be afraid, mamma, don't be afraid. Two of the five that +kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don't be +afraid.--Is that a man that's galloping behind us? No; it's only a +tree.--Don't be afraid. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. The fright will certainly kill me. + +TONY. Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, death! + +TONY. No; it's only a cow. Don't be afraid, mamma; don't be afraid. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. +Ah! I'm sure on't. If he perceives us, we are undone. + +TONY. (Aside.) Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky, come to take one +of his night walks. (To her.) Ah, it's a highwayman with pistols as +long as my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Good Heaven defend us! He approaches. + +TONY. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage +him. If there be any danger, I'll cough, and cry hem. When I cough, +be sure to keep close. (MRS. HARDCASTLE hides behind a tree in the +back scene.) + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of +help. Oh, Tony! is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are +your mother and her charge in safety? + +TONY. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree's. Hem. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Ah, death! I find there's danger. + +HARDCASTLE. Forty miles in three hours; sure that's too much, my +youngster. + +TONY. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. +Hem. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Sure he'll do the dear boy no harm. + +HARDCASTLE. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from +whence it came. + +TONY. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty +miles in four hours was very good going. Hem. As to be sure it was. +Hem. I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We'll go in, +if you please. Hem. + +HARDCASTLE. But if you talked to yourself you did not answer +yourself. I'm certain I heard two voices, and am resolved (raising his +voice) to find the other out. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Oh! he's coming to find me out. Oh! + +TONY. What need you go, sir, if I tell you? Hem. I'll lay down my +life for the truth--hem--I'll tell you all, sir. [Detaining him.] + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you I will not be detained. I insist on seeing. +It's in vain to expect I'll believe you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Running forward from behind.) O lud! he'll murder +my poor boy, my darling! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me. +Take my money, my life, but spare that young gentleman; spare my child, +if you have any mercy. + +HARDCASTLE. My wife, as I'm a Christian. From whence can she come? or +what does she mean? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Kneeling.) Take compassion on us, good Mr. +Highwayman. Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare our +lives. We will never bring you to justice; indeed we won't, good Mr. +Highwayman. + +HARDCASTLE. I believe the woman's out of her senses. What, Dorothy, +don't you know ME? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Mr. Hardcastle, as I'm alive! My fears blinded me. +But who, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this +frightful place, so far from home? What has brought you to follow us? + +HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits? So far from +home, when you are within forty yards of your own door! (To him.) +This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you. (To her.) +Don't you know the gate, and the mulberry-tree; and don't you remember +the horse-pond, my dear? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yes, I shall remember the horse-pond as long as I +live; I have caught my death in it. (To TONY.) And it is to you, you +graceless varlet, I owe all this? I'll teach you to abuse your mother, +I will. + +TONY. Ecod, mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so +you may take the fruits on't. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I'll spoil you, I will. [Follows him off the stage. +Exit.] + +HARDCASTLE. There's morality, however, in his reply. [Exit.] + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +HASTINGS. My dear Constance, why will you deliberate thus? If we +delay a moment, all is lost for ever. Pluck up a little resolution, +and we shall soon be out of the reach of her malignity. + +MISS NEVILLE. I find it impossible. My spirits are so sunk with the +agitations I have suffered, that I am unable to face any new danger. +Two or three years' patience will at last crown us with happiness. + +HASTINGS. Such a tedious delay is worse than inconstancy. Let us fly, +my charmer. Let us date our happiness from this very moment. Perish +fortune! Love and content will increase what we possess beyond a +monarch's revenue. Let me prevail! + +MISS NEVILLE. No, Mr. Hastings, no. Prudence once more comes to my +relief, and I will obey its dictates. In the moment of passion fortune +may be despised, but it ever produces a lasting repentance. I'm +resolved to apply to Mr. Hardcastle's compassion and justice for +redress. + +HASTINGS. But though he had the will, he has not the power to relieve +you. + +MISS NEVILLE. But he has influence, and upon that I am resolved to +rely. + +HASTINGS. I have no hopes. But since you persist, I must reluctantly +obey you. [Exeunt.] + + +SCENE changes. + + +Enter SIR CHARLES and MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +SIR CHARLES. What a situation am I in! If what you say appears, I +shall then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall then +lose one that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I am proud of your approbation, and to show I merit +it, if you place yourselves as I directed, you shall hear his explicit +declaration. But he comes. + +SIR CHARLES. I'll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. +[Exit SIR CHARLES.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to take +leave; nor did I, till this moment, know the pain I feel in the +separation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (In her own natural manner.) I believe sufferings +cannot be very great, sir, which you can so easily remove. A day or +two longer, perhaps, might lessen your uneasiness, by showing the +little value of what you now think proper to regret. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This girl every moment improves upon me. (To her.) +It must not be, madam. I have already trifled too long with my heart. +My very pride begins to submit to my passion. The disparity of +education and fortune, the anger of a parent, and the contempt of my +equals, begin to lose their weight; and nothing can restore me to +myself but this painful effort of resolution. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then go, sir: I'll urge nothing more to detain you. +Though my family be as good as hers you came down to visit, and my +education, I hope, not inferior, what are these advantages without +equal affluence? I must remain contented with the slight approbation +of imputed merit; I must have only the mockery of your addresses, while +all your serious aims are fixed on fortune. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE and SIR CHARLES from behind. + + +SIR CHARLES. Here, behind this screen. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, ay; make no noise. I'll engage my Kate covers him +with confusion at last. + +MARLOW. By heavens, madam! fortune was ever my smallest +consideration. Your beauty at first caught my eye; for who could see +that without emotion? But every moment that I converse with you steals +in some new grace, heightens the picture, and gives it stronger +expression. What at first seemed rustic plainness, now appears refined +simplicity. What seemed forward assurance, now strikes me as the +result of courageous innocence and conscious virtue. + +SIR CHARLES. What can it mean? He amazes me! + +HARDCASTLE. I told you how it would be. Hush! + +MARLOW. I am now determined to stay, madam; and I have too good an +opinion of my father's discernment, when he sees you, to doubt his +approbation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No, Mr. Marlow, I will not, cannot detain you. Do +you think I could suffer a connexion in which there is the smallest +room for repentance? Do you think I would take the mean advantage of a +transient passion, to load you with confusion? Do you think I could +ever relish that happiness which was acquired by lessening yours? + +MARLOW. By all that's good, I can have no happiness but what's in your +power to grant me! Nor shall I ever feel repentance but in not having +seen your merits before. I will stay even contrary to your wishes; and +though you should persist to shun me, I will make my respectful +assiduities atone for the levity of my past conduct. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I must entreat you'll desist. As our +acquaintance began, so let it end, in indifference. I might have +given an hour or two to levity; but seriously, Mr. Marlow, do you +think I could ever submit to a connexion where I must appear +mercenary, and you imprudent? Do you think I could ever catch at the +confident addresses of a secure admirer? + +MARLOW. (Kneeling.) Does this look like security? Does this look +like confidence? No, madam, every moment that shows me your merit, +only serves to increase my diffidence and confusion. Here let me +continue---- + +SIR CHARLES. I can hold it no longer. Charles, Charles, how hast thou +deceived me! Is this your indifference, your uninteresting +conversation? + +HARDCASTLE. Your cold contempt; your formal interview! What have you +to say now? + +MARLOW. That I'm all amazement! What can it mean? + +HARDCASTLE. It means that you can say and unsay things at pleasure: +that you can address a lady in private, and deny it in public: that you +have one story for us, and another for my daughter. + +MARLOW. Daughter!--This lady your daughter? + +HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, my only daughter; my Kate; whose else should she +be? + +MARLOW. Oh, the devil! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, that very identical tall squinting lady you +were pleased to take me for (courtseying); she that you addressed as +the mild, modest, sentimental man of gravity, and the bold, forward, +agreeable Rattle of the Ladies' Club. Ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. Zounds! there's no bearing this; it's worse than death! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. In which of your characters, sir, will you give us +leave to address you? As the faltering gentleman, with looks on the +ground, that speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loud +confident creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old Miss +Biddy Buckskin, till three in the morning? Ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. O, curse on my noisy head. I never attempted to be impudent +yet, that I was not taken down. I must be gone. + +HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it was +all a mistake, and I am rejoiced to find it. You shall not, sir, I +tell you. I know she'll forgive you. Won't you forgive him, Kate? +We'll all forgive you. Take courage, man. (They retire, she +tormenting him, to the back scene.) + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and Tony. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. So, so, they're gone off. Let them go, I care not. + +HARDCASTLE. Who gone? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dutiful niece and her gentleman, Mr. Hastings, +from town. He who came down with our modest visitor here. + +SIR CHARLES. Who, my honest George Hastings? As worthy a fellow as +lives, and the girl could not have made a more prudent choice. + +HARDCASTLE. Then, by the hand of my body, I'm proud of the connexion. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, if he has taken away the lady, he has not +taken her fortune; that remains in this family to console us for her +loss. + +HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you would not be so mercenary? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, that's my affair, not yours. + +HARDCASTLE. But you know if your son, when of age, refuses to marry +his cousin, her whole fortune is then at her own disposal. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, but he's not of age, and she has not thought +proper to wait for his refusal. + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) What, returned so soon! I begin not to +like it. + +HASTINGS. (To HARDCASTLE.) For my late attempt to fly off with your +niece let my present confusion be my punishment. We are now come back, +to appeal from your justice to your humanity. By her father's consent, +I first paid her my addresses, and our passions were first founded in +duty. + +MISS NEVILLE. Since his death, I have been obliged to stoop to +dissimulation to avoid oppression. In an hour of levity, I was ready +to give up my fortune to secure my choice. But I am now recovered from +the delusion, and hope from your tenderness what is denied me from a +nearer connexion. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pshaw, pshaw! this is all but the whining end of a +modern novel. + +HARDCASTLE. Be it what it will, I'm glad they're come back to reclaim +their due. Come hither, Tony, boy. Do you refuse this lady's hand +whom I now offer you? + +TONY. What signifies my refusing? You know I can't refuse her till +I'm of age, father. + +HARDCASTLE. While I thought concealing your age, boy, was likely to +conduce to your improvement, I concurred with your mother's desire to +keep it secret. But since I find she turns it to a wrong use, I must +now declare you have been of age these three months. + +TONY. Of age! Am I of age, father? + +HARDCASTLE. Above three months. + +TONY. Then you'll see the first use I'll make of my liberty. (Taking +MISS NEVILLE's hand.) Witness all men by these presents, that I, +Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire, of BLANK place, refuse you, Constantia +Neville, spinster, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. So +Constance Neville may marry whom she pleases, and Tony Lumpkin is his +own man again. + +SIR CHARLES. O brave 'squire! + +HASTINGS. My worthy friend! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My undutiful offspring! + +MARLOW. Joy, my dear George! I give you joy sincerely. And could I +prevail upon my little tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should be +the happiest man alive, if you would return me the favour. + +HASTINGS. (To MISS HARDCASTLE.) Come, madam, you are now driven to +the very last scene of all your contrivances. I know you like him, I'm +sure he loves you, and you must and shall have him. + +HARDCASTLE. (Joining their hands.) And I say so too. And, Mr. +Marlow, if she makes as good a wife as she has a daughter, I don't +believe you'll ever repent your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrow +we shall gather all the poor of the parish about us, and the mistakes +of the night shall be crowned with a merry morning. So, boy, take her; +and as you have been mistaken in the mistress, my wish is, that you may +never be mistaken in the wife. [Exeunt Omnes.] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's She Stoops to Conquer, by Oliver Goldsmith + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER *** + +***** This file should be named 383.txt or 383.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/383/ + +Produced by G. R. Young + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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It may do me some honour to +inform the public, that I have lived many years in intimacy with you. +It may serve the interests of mankind also to inform them, that the +greatest wit may be found in a character, without impairing the most +unaffected piety. + +I have, particularly, reason to thank you for your partiality to this +performance. The undertaking a comedy not merely sentimental was very +dangerous; and Mr. Colman, who saw this piece in its various stages, +always thought it so. However, I ventured to trust it to the public; +and, though it was necessarily delayed till late in the season, I have +every reason to be grateful. + +I am, dear Sir, your most sincere friend and admirer, + +OLIVER GOLDSMITH. + + + +PROLOGUE, +BY DAVID GARRICK, ESQ. + + +Enter MR. WOODWARD, dressed in black, and holding a handkerchief +to his eyes. + +Excuse me, sirs, I pray--I can't yet speak-- +I'm crying now--and have been all the week. +"'Tis not alone this mourning suit," good masters: +"I've that within"--for which there are no plasters! +Pray, would you know the reason why I'm crying? +The Comic Muse, long sick, is now a-dying! +And if she goes, my tears will never stop; +For as a player, I can't squeeze out one drop: +I am undone, that's all--shall lose my bread-- +I'd rather, but that's nothing--lose my head. +When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier, +Shuter and I shall be chief mourners here. +To her a mawkish drab of spurious breed, +Who deals in sentimentals, will succeed! +Poor Ned and I are dead to all intents; +We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments! +Both nervous grown, to keep our spirits up. +We now and then take down a hearty cup. +What shall we do? If Comedy forsake us, +They'll turn us out, and no one else will take us. +But why can't I be moral?--Let me try-- +My heart thus pressing--fixed my face and eye-- +With a sententious look, that nothing means, +(Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes) +Thus I begin: "All is not gold that glitters, +"Pleasure seems sweet, but proves a glass of bitters. +"When Ignorance enters, Folly is at hand: +"Learning is better far than house and land. +"Let not your virtue trip; who trips may stumble, +"And virtue is not virtue, if she tumble." + +I give it up--morals won't do for me; +To make you laugh, I must play tragedy. +One hope remains--hearing the maid was ill, +A Doctor comes this night to show his skill. +To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, +He, in Five Draughts prepar'd, presents a potion: +A kind of magic charm--for be assur'd, +If you will swallow it, the maid is cur'd: +But desperate the Doctor, and her case is, +If you reject the dose, and make wry faces! +This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, +No poisonous drugs are mixed in what he gives. +Should he succeed, you'll give him his degree; +If not, within he will receive no fee! +The College YOU, must his pretensions back, +Pronounce him Regular, or dub him Quack. + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + +MEN. + +SIR CHARLES MARLOW Mr. Gardner. +YOUNG MARLOW (His Son) Mr. Lee Lewes. +HARDCASTLE Mr. Shuter. +HASTINGS Mr. Dubellamy. +TONY LUMPKIN Mr. Quick. +DIGGORY Mr. Saunders. + +WOMEN. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE Mrs. Green. +MISS HARDCASTLE Mrs. Bulkley. +MISS NEVILLE Mrs. Kniveton. +MAID Miss Williams. + +LANDLORD, SERVANTS, Etc. Etc. + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE--A Chamber in an old-fashioned House. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MR. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you're very particular. Is +there a creature in the whole country but ourselves, that does not take +a trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There's the +two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month's +polishing every winter. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them the +whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! In +my time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they +travel faster than a stage-coach. Its fopperies come down not only as +inside passengers, but in the very basket. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have been +telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old +rumbling mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we +never see company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the +curate's wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all +our entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of +Marlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery. + +HARDCASTLE. And I love it. I love everything that's old: old +friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, +Dorothy (taking her hand), you'll own I have been pretty fond of an old +wife. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you're for ever at your +Dorothys and your old wifes. You may be a Darby, but I'll be no Joan, +I promise you. I'm not so old as you'd make me, by more than one good +year. Add twenty to twenty, and make money of that. + +HARDCASTLE. Let me see; twenty added to twenty makes just fifty and +seven. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. It's false, Mr. Hardcastle; I was but twenty when I +was brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first +husband; and he's not come to years of discretion yet. + +HARDCASTLE. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you have +taught him finely. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. No matter. Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My son +is not to live by his learning. I don't think a boy wants much +learning to spend fifteen hundred a year. + +HARDCASTLE. Learning, quotha! a mere composition of tricks and +mischief. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Humour, my dear; nothing but humour. Come, Mr. +Hardcastle, you must allow the boy a little humour. + +HARDCASTLE. I'd sooner allow him a horse-pond. If burning the +footmen's shoes, frightening the maids, and worrying the kittens be +humour, he has it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back +of my chair, and when I went to make a bow, I popt my bald head in Mrs. +Frizzle's face. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. And am I to blame? The poor boy was always too +sickly to do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes to +be a little stronger, who knows what a year or two's Latin may do for +him? + +HARDCASTLE. Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. No, no; the alehouse +and the stable are the only schools he'll ever go to. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for I +believe we shan't have him long among us. Anybody that looks in his +face may see he's consumptive. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. He coughs sometimes. + +HARDCASTLE. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I'm actually afraid of his lungs. + +HARDCASTLE. And truly so am I; for he sometimes whoops like a +speaking trumpet--(Tony hallooing behind the scenes)--O, there he +goes--a very consumptive figure, truly. + + +Enter TONY, crossing the stage. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Tony, where are you going, my charmer? Won't you +give papa and I a little of your company, lovee? + +TONY. I'm in haste, mother; I cannot stay. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. You shan't venture out this raw evening, my dear; you +look most shockingly. + +TONY. I can't stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me down +every moment. There's some fun going forward. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay; the alehouse, the old place: I thought so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A low, paltry set of fellows. + +TONY. Not so low, neither. There's Dick Muggins the exciseman, Jack +Slang the horse doctor, Little Aminadab that grinds the music box, and +Tom Twist that spins the pewter platter. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night at +least. + +TONY. As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but I +can't abide to disappoint myself. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (detaining him.) You shan't go. + +TONY. I will, I tell you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I say you shan't. + +TONY. We'll see which is strongest, you or I. [Exit, hauling her +out.] + +HARDCASTLE. (solus.) Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each +other. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and +discretion out of doors? There's my pretty darling Kate! the fashions +of the times have almost infected her too. By living a year or two in +town, she is as fond of gauze and French frippery as the best of them. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Blessings on my pretty innocence! drest out as usual, my +Kate. Goodness! What a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou got +about thee, girl! I could never teach the fools of this age, that the +indigent world could be clothed out of the trimmings of the vain. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You know our agreement, sir. You allow me the +morning to receive and pay visits, and to dress in my own manner; and +in the evening I put on my housewife's dress to please you. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, remember, I insist on the terms of our agreement; +and, by the bye, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obedience +this very evening. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I don't comprehend your meaning. + +HARDCASTLE. Then to be plain with you, Kate, I expect the young +gentleman I have chosen to be your husband from town this very day. I +have his father's letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, +and that he intends to follow himself shortly after. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Indeed! I wish I had known something of this +before. Bless me, how shall I behave? It's a thousand to one I +shan't like him; our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing of +business, that I shall find no room for friendship or esteem. + +HARDCASTLE. Depend upon it, child, I'll never control your choice; but +Mr. Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir +Charles Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. The young +gentleman has been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment in +the service of his country. I am told he's a man of an excellent +understanding. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Is he? + +HARDCASTLE. Very generous. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I believe I shall like him. + +HARDCASTLE. Young and brave. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure I shall like him. + +HARDCASTLE. And very handsome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, say no more, (kissing his hand), he's +mine; I'll have him. + +HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the most bashful and +reserved young fellows in all the world. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Eh! you have frozen me to death again. That word +RESERVED has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved +lover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband. + +HARDCASTLE. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides in a breast that +is not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his +character that first struck me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. He must have more striking features to catch me, I +promise you. However, if he be so young, so handsome, and so +everything as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I think I'll have +him. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It's more than +an even wager he may not have you. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you mortify one so?--Well, if +he refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I'll only +break my glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, and +look out for some less difficult admirer. + +HARDCASTLE. Bravely resolved! In the mean time I'll go prepare the +servants for his reception: as we seldom see company, they want as much +training as a company of recruits the first day's muster. [Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone). Lud, this news of papa's puts me all in a +flutter. Young, handsome: these he put last; but I put them foremost. +Sensible, good-natured; I like all that. But then reserved and +sheepish; that's much against him. Yet can't he be cured of his +timidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can't +I--But I vow I'm disposing of the husband before I have secured the +lover. + + +Enter MISS NEVILLE. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my dear. Tell me, +Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there anything whimsical +about me? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am I in face +to-day? + +MISS NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again--bless +me!--sure no accident has happened among the canary birds or the gold +fishes. Has your brother or the cat been meddling? or has the last +novel been too moving? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened--I +can scarce get it out--I have been threatened with a lover. + +MISS NEVILLE. And his name-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow. + +MISS NEVILLE. Indeed! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. The son of Sir Charles Marlow. + +MISS NEVILLE. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my +admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him +when we lived in town. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never. + +MISS NEVILLE. He's a very singular character, I assure you. Among +women of reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his +acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of +another stamp: you understand me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. An odd character indeed. I shall never be able to +manage him. What shall I do? Pshaw, think no more of him, but trust +to occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear? +has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony as usual? + +MISS NEVILLE. I have just come from one of our agreeable +tete-a-tetes. She has been saying a hundred tender things, and setting +off her pretty monster as the very pink of perfection. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is such, that she actually thinks +him so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she +has the sole management of it, I'm not surprised to see her unwilling +to let it go out of the family. + +MISS NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, +is no such mighty temptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be +but constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. However, +I let her suppose that I am in love with her son; and she never once +dreams that my affections are fixed upon another. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almost +love him for hating you so. + +MISS NEVILLE. It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm sure +would wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt's +bell rings for our afternoon's walk round the improvements. Allons! +Courage is necessary, as our affairs are critical. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. "Would it were bed-time, and all were well." +[Exeunt.] + + +SCENE--An Alehouse Room. Several shabby Fellows with punch and +tobacco. TONY at the head of the table, a little higher than the +rest, a mallet in his hand. + + +OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo! + +FIRST FELLOW Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. The 'squire is +going to knock himself down for a song. + +OMNES. Ay, a song, a song! + +TONY. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon this +alehouse, the Three Pigeons. + + +SONG. + +Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain + With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, +Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, + Gives GENUS a better discerning. +Let them brag of their heathenish gods, + Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians, +Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods, + They're all but a parcel of Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + +When methodist preachers come down, + A-preaching that drinking is sinful, +I'll wager the rascals a crown, + They always preach best with a skinful. +But when you come down with your pence, + For a slice of their scurvy religion, +I'll leave it to all men of sense, + But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + +Then come, put the jorum about, + And let us be merry and clever, +Our hearts and our liquors are stout, + Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. +Let some cry up woodcock or hare, + Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons; +But of all the GAY birds in the air, + Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons. + Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. + + +OMNES. Bravo, bravo! + +FIRST FELLOW. The 'squire has got spunk in him. + +SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us +nothing that's low. + +THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that's low, I cannot bear it. + +FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time: if so +be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly. + +THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though I +am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. +May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very +genteelest of tunes; "Water Parted," or "The minuet in Ariadne." + +SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the 'squire is not come to his own. +It would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him. + +TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I'd then show what it was +to keep choice of company. + +SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sure +old 'Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. +For winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a +wench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he +kept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county. + +TONY. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no bastard, I promise you. I +have been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to begin +with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no +reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter? + + +Enter Landlord. + + +LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. They +have lost their way upo' the forest; and they are talking something +about Mr. Hardcastle. + +TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that's +coming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners? + +LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen. + +TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I'll set them right in a +twinkling. (Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good enough +company for you, step down for a moment, and I'll be with you in the +squeezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob.] + +TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been calling me whelp and hound this +half year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old +grumbletonian. But then I'm afraid--afraid of what? I shall soon be +worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of THAT if he +can. + + +Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS. + + +MARLOW. What a tedious uncomfortable day have we had of it! We were +told it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above +threescore. + +HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours, +that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way. + +MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an +obligation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an +unmannerly answer. + +HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any +answer. + +TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told you have been inquiring for +one Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of the +country you are in? + +HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for +information. + +TONY. Nor the way you came? + +HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can inform us---- + +TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor +where you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform +you is, that--you have lost your way. + +MARLOW. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. + +TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place from +whence you came? + +MARLOW. That's not necessary towards directing us where we are to go. + +TONY. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know. +Pray, gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, +old-fashioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and a +pretty son? + +HASTINGS. We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you +mention. + +TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole; +the son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fond +of. + +MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be +well-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up and +spoiled at his mother's apron-string. + +TONY. He-he-hem!--Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you +won't reach Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I believe. + +HASTINGS. Unfortunate! + +TONY. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, dirty, dangerous way. Stingo, +tell the gentlemen the way to Mr. Hardcastle's! (Winking upon the +Landlord.) Mr. Hardcastle's, of Quagmire Marsh, you understand me. + +LANDLORD. Master Hardcastle's! Lock-a-daisy, my masters, you're come +a deadly deal wrong! When you came to the bottom of the hill, you +should have crossed down Squash Lane. + +MARLOW. Cross down Squash Lane! + +LANDLORD. Then you were to keep straight forward, till you came to +four roads. + +MARLOW. Come to where four roads meet? + +TONY. Ay; but you must be sure to take only one of them. + +MARLOW. O, sir, you're facetious. + +TONY. Then keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you come +upon Crackskull Common: there you must look sharp for the track of the +wheel, and go forward till you come to farmer Murrain's barn. Coming +to the farmer's barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to the +left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the old +mill-- + +MARLOW. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude! + +HASTINGS. What's to be done, Marlow? + +MARLOW. This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps the +landlord can accommodate us. + +LANDLORD. Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the whole +house. + +TONY. And to my knowledge, that's taken up by three lodgers already. +(After a pause, in which the rest seem disconcerted.) I have hit it. +Don't you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentlemen +by the fire-side, with----three chairs and a bolster? + +HASTINGS. I hate sleeping by the fire-side. + +MARLOW. And I detest your three chairs and a bolster. + +TONY. You do, do you? then, let me see--what if you go on a mile +further, to the Buck's Head; the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of +the best inns in the whole county? + +HASTINGS. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, +however. + +LANDLORD. (apart to TONY). Sure, you ben't sending them to your +father's as an inn, be you? + +TONY. Mum, you fool you. Let THEM find that out. (To them.) You +have only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old +house by the road side. You'll see a pair of large horns over the +door. That's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. + +HASTINGS. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss the +way? + +TONY. No, no: but I tell you, though, the landlord is rich, and going +to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving +your presence, he! he! he! He'll be for giving you his company; and, +ecod, if you mind him, he'll persuade you that his mother was an +alderman, and his aunt a justice of peace. + +LANDLORD. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as good +wines and beds as any in the whole country. + +MARLOW. Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no farther +connexion. We are to turn to the right, did you say? + +TONY. No, no; straight forward. I'll just step myself, and show you a +piece of the way. (To the Landlord.) Mum! + +LANDLORD. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant--damn'd +mischievous son of a whore. [Exeunt.] + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE--An old-fashioned House. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward Servants. + + +HARDCASTLE. Well, I hope you are perfect in the table exercise I have +been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your +places, and can show that you have been used to good company, without +ever stirring from home. + +OMNES. Ay, ay. + +HARDCASTLE. When company comes you are not to pop out and stare, and +then run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren. + +OMNES. No, no. + +HARDCASTLE. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make +a show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the +plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to stand +so, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your +pockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory +carries his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's no +great matter. + +DIGGORY. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands this +way when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill---- + +HARDCASTLE. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all +attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of +talking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see +us eat, and not think of eating. + +DIGGORY. By the laws, your worship, that's parfectly unpossible. +Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod, he's always wishing +for a mouthful himself. + +HARDCASTLE. Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good as +a belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection. + +DIGGORY. Ecod, I thank your worship, I'll make a shift to stay my +stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry. + +HARDCASTLE. Diggory, you are too talkative.--Then, if I happen to say +a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out +a-laughing, as if you made part of the company. + +DIGGORY. Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of Ould +Grouse in the gun-room: I can't help laughing at that--he! he! +he!--for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty +years--ha! ha! ha! + +HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Well, honest +Diggory, you may laugh at that--but still remember to be attentive. +Suppose one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will +you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you please (to DIGGORY).--Eh, why +don't you move? + +DIGGORY. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the +eatables and drinkables brought upo' the table, and then I'm as bauld +as a lion. + +HARDCASTLE. What, will nobody move? + +FIRST SERVANT. I'm not to leave this pleace. + +SECOND SERVANT. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. + +THIRD SERVANT. Nor mine, for sartain. + +DIGGORY. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. + +HARDCASTLE. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are +quarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. O you dunces! I +find I must begin all over again----But don't I hear a coach drive into +the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time and +give my old friend's son a hearty reception at the gate. [Exit +HARDCASTLE.] + +DIGGORY. By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head. + +ROGER. I know that my pleace is to be everywhere. + +FIRST SERVANT. Where the devil is mine? + +SECOND SERVANT. My pleace is to be nowhere at all; and so I'ze go +about my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about as if frightened, +different ways.] + + +Enter Servant with candles, showing in MARLOW and HASTINGS. + + +SERVANT. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! This way. + +HASTINGS. After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, +Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my +word, a very well-looking house; antique but creditable. + +MARLOW. The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the +master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as +an inn. + +HASTINGS. As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these +fineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marble +chimney-piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame a +reckoning confoundedly. + +MARLOW. Travellers, George, must pay in all places: the only +difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad +inns you are fleeced and starved. + +HASTINGS. You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have been +often surprised, that you who have seen so much of the world, with your +natural good sense, and your many opportunities, could never yet +acquire a requisite share of assurance. + +MARLOW. The Englishman's malady. But tell me, George, where could I +have learned that assurance you talk of? My life has been chiefly +spent in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the +creation that chiefly teach men confidence. I don't know that I was +ever familiarly acquainted with a single modest woman--except my +mother--But among females of another class, you know---- + +HASTINGS. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. + +MARLOW. They are of US, you know. + +HASTINGS. But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such +an idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wanted +an opportunity of stealing out of the room. + +MARLOW. Why, man, that's because I do want to steal out of the room. +Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle +away at any rate. But I don't know how, a single glance from a pair of +fine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may +counterfeit modesty; but I'll be hanged if a modest man can ever +counterfeit impudence. + +HASTINGS. If you could but say half the fine things to them that I +have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college +bed-maker---- + +MARLOW. Why, George, I can't say fine things to them; they freeze, +they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or +some such bagatelle; but, to me, a modest woman, drest out in all her +finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. + +HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect to +marry? + +MARLOW. Never; unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be +courted by proxy. If, indeed, like an Eastern bridegroom, one were to +be introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might be endured. But +to go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the +episode of aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, and at last to blurt out +the broad staring question of, Madam, will you marry me? No, no, +that's a strain much above me, I assure you. + +HASTINGS. I pity you. But how do you intend behaving to the lady you +are come down to visit at the request of your father? + +MARLOW. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow very low, answer yes or +no to all her demands--But for the rest, I don't think I shall venture +to look in her face till I see my father's again. + +HASTINGS. I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so +cool a lover. + +MARLOW. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down was +to be instrumental in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss +Neville loves you, the family don't know you; as my friend you are sure +of a reception, and let honour do the rest. + +HASTINGS. My dear Marlow! But I'll suppress the emotion. Were I a +wretch, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the last +man in the world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville's +person is all I ask, and that is mine, both from her deceased father's +consent, and her own inclination. + +MARLOW. Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman. +I'm doom'd to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of +it I despise. This stammer in my address, and this awkward +prepossessing visage of mine, can never permit me to soar above the +reach of a milliner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane. +Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is +Mr. Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, +to receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like give them a +hearty reception in the old style at my gate. I like to see their +horses and trunks taken care of. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) He has got our names from the servants already. (To +him.) We approve your caution and hospitality, sir. (To HASTINGS.) I +have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the +morning. I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. + +HARDCASTLE. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house. + +HASTINGS. I fancy, Charles, you're right: the first blow is half the +battle. I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold. + +HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow--Mr. Hastings--gentlemen--pray be under no +constraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may do +just as you please here. + +MARLOW. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we +may want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the +embroidery to secure a retreat. + +HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of +the Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He first +summoned the garrison---- + +MARLOW. Don't you think the ventre d'or waistcoat will do with the +plain brown? + +HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the garrison, which might consist of +about five thousand men---- + +HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but very poorly. + +HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, be summoned the +garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men---- + +MARLOW. The girls like finery. + +HARDCASTLE. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well +appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, +says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to +him--you must have heard of George Brooks--I'll pawn my dukedom, says +he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So---- + +MARLOW. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the +mean time; it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour. + +HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside.) This is the most unaccountable kind +of modesty I ever met with. + +MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, +will be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know. + +HARDCASTLE. Here's a cup, sir. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let +us have just what he pleases. + +HARDCASTLE. (Taking the cup.) I hope you'll find it to your mind. I +have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the +ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? +Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. [Drinks.] + +MARLOW. (Aside.) A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character, +and I'll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks.] + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) I see this fellow wants to give us his company, +and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has learned to be a +gentleman. + +MARLOW. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you +have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, +now and then, at elections, I suppose. + +HARDCASTLE. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our +betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is no +business "for us that sell ale." + +HASTINGS. So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find. + +HARDCASTLE. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted +myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding +myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better, +I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about +Hyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service to +you. + +HASTINGS. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with +receiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead a +good pleasant bustling life of it. + +HARDCASTLE. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the +differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. + +MARLOW. (After drinking.) And you have an argument in your cup, old +gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an +innkeeper's philosophy. + +HASTINGS. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on +every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with +your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with +this. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks.] + +HARDCASTLE. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts +me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of +Belgrade. You shall hear. + +MARLOW. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time +to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for +supper? + +HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside.) Was ever such a request to a +man in his own house? + +MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall +make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. +(To him.) Why, really, sir, as for supper I can't well tell. My +Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave +these kind of things entirely to them. + +MARLOW. You do, do you? + +HARDCASTLE. Entirely. By the bye, I believe they are in actual +consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen. + +MARLOW. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council. +It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always chose to regulate my +own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir. + +HARDCASTLE. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our +Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these +occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the +house. + +HASTINGS. Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a +favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. + +MARLOW. (To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise.) Sir, he's +very right, and it's my way too. + +HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, +bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper: I believe it's drawn +out--Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel +Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper +till he had eaten it. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we +shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's +hear the bill of fare. + +MARLOW. (Perusing.) What's here? For the first course; for the +second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have +brought down a whole Joiners' Company, or the corporation of Bedford, +to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and +comfortable, will do. + +HASTINGS. But let's hear it. + +MARLOW. (Reading.) For the first course, at the top, a pig and prune +sauce. + +HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say. + +MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce, say I. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with +prune sauce is very good eating. + +MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf's tongue and brains. + +HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don't like +them. + +MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Their impudence confounds me. (To them.) +Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is +there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen? + +MARLOW. Item, a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, +a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff--taff--taffety cream. + +HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in +this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's +table. I'm for plain eating. + +HARDCASTLE. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if +there be anything you have a particular fancy to---- + +MARLOW. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any +one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. +So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and +properly taken care of. + +HARDCASTLE. I entreat you'll leave that to me. You shall not stir a +step. + +MARLOW. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I +always look to these things myself. + +HARDCASTLE. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that +head. + +MARLOW. You see I'm resolved on it. (Aside.) A very troublesome +fellow this, as I ever met with. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (Aside.) +This may be modem modesty, but I never saw anything look so like +old-fashioned impudence. [Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE.] + +HASTINGS. (Alone.) So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow +troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant +to please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy! + + +Enter MISS NEVILLE. + + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to +what accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting? + +HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have +hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn. + +MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives +here. What could induce you to think this house an inn? + +HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have +been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we +accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither. + +MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, +of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha! + +HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such +just apprehensions? + +MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd +adore him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it +too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to +think she has made a conquest. + +HASTINGS. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have +just seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here to get +admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now +fatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, +if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon +be landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage are +respected. + +MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I +yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The +greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and +chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my +aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The +instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to +make them and myself yours. + +HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the +mean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know +the strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of +it, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for +execution. + +MISS NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss +Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to +deceive him?----This, this way----[They confer.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. The assiduities of these good people teaze me beyond bearing. +My host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he +claps not only himself, but his old-fashioned wife, on my back. They +talk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run +the gantlet through all the rest of the family.--What have we got here? + +HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!--The most +fortunate accident!--Who do you think is just alighted? + +MARLOW. Cannot guess. + +HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. +Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your +acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called on +their return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept +into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky? +eh! + +MARLOW. (Aside.) I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and +here comes something to complete my embarrassment. + +HASTINGS. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world? + +MARLOW. Oh! yes. Very fortunate--a most joyful encounter--But our +dresses, George, you know are in disorder--What if we should postpone +the happiness till to-morrow?--To-morrow at her own house--It will be +every bit as convenient--and rather more respectful--To-morrow let it +be. [Offering to go.] + +MISS NEVILLE. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. +The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience. +Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see +her. + +MARLOW. O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings, +you must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall be +confoundedly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. Hem! + +HASTINGS. Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge, and all's over. +She's but a woman, you know. + +MARLOW. And, of all women, she that I dread most to encounter. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking, a bonnet, etc. + + +HASTINGS. (Introducing them.) Miss Hardcastle, Mr. Marlow. I'm +proud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to +know, to esteem each other. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Now for meeting my modest gentleman with a +demure face, and quite in his own manner. (After a pause, in which he +appears very uneasy and disconcerted.) I'm glad of your safe arrival, +sir. I'm told you had some accidents by the way. + +MARLOW. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good many +accidents, but should be sorry--madam--or rather glad of any +accidents--that are so agreeably concluded. Hem! + +HASTINGS. (To him.) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep +it up, and I'll insure you the victory. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen so +much of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure +corner of the country. + +MARLOW. (Gathering courage.) I have lived, indeed, in the world, +madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but an +observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it. + +MISS NEVILLE. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last. + +HASTINGS. (To him.) Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and you +are confirmed in assurance for ever. + +MARLOW. (To him.) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I'm down, throw +in a word or two, to set me up again. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. An observer, like you, upon life were, I fear, +disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censure +than to approve. + +MARLOW. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The +folly of most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness. + +HASTINGS. (To him.) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole +life. Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are going +to be very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass +the interview. + +MARLOW. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all +things. (To him.) Zounds! George, sure you won't go? how can you +leave us? + +HASTINGS. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we'll retire to +the next room. (To him.) You don't consider, man, that we are to +manage a little tete-a-tete of our own. [Exeunt.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (after a pause). But you have not been wholly an +observer, I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed some +part of your addresses. + +MARLOW. (Relapsing into timidity.) Pardon me, madam, I--I--I--as yet +have studied--only--to--deserve them. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain +them. + +MARLOW. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the more +grave and sensible part of the sex. But I'm afraid I grow tiresome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as +grave conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed, I have +often been surprised how a man of sentiment could ever admire those +light airy pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart. + +MARLOW. It's----a disease----of the mind, madam. In the variety of +tastes there must be some who, wanting a relish----for----um--a--um. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you, sir. There must be some, who, +wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they +are incapable of tasting. + +MARLOW. My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And I +can't help observing----a---- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Who could ever suppose this fellow +impudent upon some occasions? (To him.) You were going to observe, +sir---- + +MARLOW. I was observing, madam--I protest, madam, I forget what I was +going to observe. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I vow and so do I. (To him.) You were +observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy--something about +hypocrisy, sir. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon +strict inquiry do not--a--a--a-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you perfectly, sir. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! and that's more than I do myself. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few +that do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think +they pay every debt to virtue when they praise it. + +MARLOW. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have +least of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure I tire you, madam. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Not in the least, sir; there's something so +agreeable and spirited in your manner, such life and force--pray, sir, +go on. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was saying----that there are some occasions, +when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the----and puts +us----upon a--a--a-- + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I agree with you entirely; a want of courage upon +some occasions assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when +we most want to excel. I beg you'll proceed. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam. Morally speaking, madam--But I see Miss Neville +expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably +entertained in all my life. Pray go on. + +MARLOW. Yes, madam, I was----But she beckons us to join her. Madam, +shall I do myself the honour to attend you? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Well, then, I'll follow. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. +[Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone.) Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober, +sentimental interview? I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the +whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is +pretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, +that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a +little confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of +service. But who is that somebody?--That, faith, is a question I can +scarce answer. [Exit.] + + +Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. + + +TONY. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you're not +ashamed to be so very engaging. + +MISS NEVILLE. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, +and not be to blame. + +TONY. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me, +though; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do; so I beg +you'll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [She +follows, coquetting him to the back scene.] + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very +entertaining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of so much +as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. + +HASTINGS. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I +concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. +James's, or Tower Wharf. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O! sir, you're only pleased to say so. We country +persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that +serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can +have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, +the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I +can do is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every +tete-a-tete from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as +they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane. +Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings? + +HASTINGS. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. Your +friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I protest, I dressed it myself from a print in the +Ladies' Memorandum-book for the last year. + +HASTINGS. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house would +draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a City Ball. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such +thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little +particular, or one may escape in the crowd. + +HASTINGS. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. +(Bowing.) + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a +piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will +never argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted +him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to +plaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder. + +HASTINGS. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are +none ugly, so among the men there are none old. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his +usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig, +to convert it into a tete for my own wearing. + +HASTINGS. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and +it must become you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most +fashionable age about town? + +HASTINGS. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the +ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the +fashion. + +HASTINGS. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. +For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a +child, as a mere maker of samplers. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, +and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. + +HASTINGS. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of +yours, I should presume? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. +Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as +if they were man and wife already. (To them.) Well, Tony, child, what +soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? + +TONY. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be +followed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now that's left +to myself, but the stable. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in another story +behind your back. + +MISS NEVILLE. There's something generous in my cousin's manner. He +falls out before faces to be forgiven in private. + +TONY. That's a damned confounded--crack. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they are like +each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. +They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings +may see you. Come, Tony. + +TONY. You had as good not make me, I tell you. (Measuring.) + +MISS NEVILLE. O lud! he has almost cracked my head. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and +behave so! + +TONY. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made a +fool of no longer. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the +pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your +cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that +waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, +and weep while the receipt was operating? + +TONY. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever +since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete +Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through +Quincy next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of +no longer. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all +for your good? + +TONY. I wish you'd let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way +when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself; +not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. That's false; I never see you when you're in +spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm never +to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster! + +TONY. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my +heart, I see he does. + +HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a +little. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You +see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor +woman so plagued with a dear sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy? +[Exeunt MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE.] + +TONY. (Singing.) "There was a young man riding by, and fain would +have his will. Rang do didlo dee."----Don't mind her. Let her cry. +It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a +book for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better +the more it made them cry. + +HASTINGS. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty +young gentleman? + +TONY. That's as I find 'um. + +HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer? And +yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. + +TONY. That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod! I know +every inch about her; and there's not a more bitter cantankerous toad +in all Christendom. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) Pretty encouragement this for a lover! + +TONY. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many +tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day's breaking. + +HASTINGS. To me she appears sensible and silent. + +TONY. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmate, she's as +loud as a hog in a gate. + +HASTINGS. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me. + +TONY. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're +flung in a ditch. + +HASTINGS. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.--Yes, you must +allow her some beauty. + +TONY. Bandbox! She's all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see +Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she +has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit +cushion. She'd make two of she. + +HASTINGS. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter +bargain off your hands? + +TONY. Anon. + +HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave +you to happiness and your dear Betsy? + +TONY. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her? + +HASTINGS. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off +to France, and you shall never hear more of her. + +TONY. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'll +clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a +twinkling, and may be get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, +that you little dream of. + +HASTINGS. My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. + +TONY. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you +have done with me. + +(Singing.) +"We are the boys +That fears no noise +Where the thundering cannons roar." [Exeunt.] + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, alone. + + +HARDCASTLE. What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending +his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most +impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken +possession of the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took off his +boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm +desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She will +certainly be shocked at it. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. + + +HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I +bade you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your +commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their +propriety. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, +particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover +to-day. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and +I find the original exceeds the description. + +HARDCASTLE. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite +confounded all my faculties! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world +too! + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, he learned it all abroad--what a fool was I, to think +a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn +wit at a masquerade. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. It seems all natural to him. + +HARDCASTLE. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French +dancing-master. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-master +could never have taught him that timid look--that awkward address--that +bashful manner-- + +HARDCASTLE. Whose look? whose manner, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow's: his mauvaise honte, his timidity, +struck me at the first sight. + +HARDCASTLE. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of +the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so +modest. + +HARDCASTLE. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, +swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a +stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground. + +HARDCASTLE. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a +familiarity that made my blood freeze again. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured +the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never +laughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room +with a bow, and "Madam, I would not for the world detain you." + +HARDCASTLE. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; +asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my +best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of +the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good +hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a +maker of punch! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. One of us must certainly be mistaken. + +HARDCASTLE. If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined he +shall never have my consent. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall +never have mine. + +HARDCASTLE. In one thing then we are agreed--to reject him. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes: but upon conditions. For if you should find him +less impudent, and I more presuming--if you find him more respectful, +and I more importunate--I don't know--the fellow is well enough for a +man--Certainly, we don't meet many such at a horse-race in the country. + +HARDCASTLE. If we should find him so----But that's impossible. The +first appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And yet there may be many good qualities under that +first appearance. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, she +then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth +face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment +to my good sense, won't end with a sneer at my understanding? + +HARDCASTLE. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art +of reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to +make further discoveries? + +HARDCASTLE. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. +[Exeunt.] + + +Enter Tony, running in with a casket. + + +TONY. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's +necklaces, bobs and all. My mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of +their fortin neither. O! my genus, is that you? + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I +hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that +you are willing to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshed +in a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. + +TONY. And here's something to bear your charges by the way (giving the +casket); your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them: and hang those, I say, +that would rob you of one of them. + +HASTINGS. But how have you procured them from your mother? + +TONY. Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured them +by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's +bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man +may rob himself of his own at any time. + +HASTINGS. Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you; Miss +Neville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very +instant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of +obtaining them. + +TONY. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know how +it will be well enough; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in +her head. + +HASTINGS. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds +she has lost them. + +TONY. Never you mind her resentment, leave ME to manage that. I +don't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they +are. Morrice! Prance! [Exit HASTINGS.] + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you +want jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years +hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. + +MISS NEVILLE. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainly +improve it at twenty, madam. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural +blush is beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite +out at present. Don't you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my +Lady Kill-daylight, and Mrs. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their +jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back. + +MISS NEVILLE. But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall be +nameless would like me best with all my little finery about me? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, with +such a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, +Tony, my dear? does your cousin Con. want any jewels in your eyes to +set off her beauty? + +TONY. That's as thereafter may be. + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table-cut things. +They would make you look like the court of King Solomon at a +puppet-show. Besides, I believe, I can't readily come at them. They +may be missing, for aught I know to the contrary. + +TONY. (Apart to MRS. HARDCASTLE.) Then why don't you tell her so at +once, as she's so longing for them? Tell her they're lost. It's the +only way to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Apart to TONY.) You know, my dear, I'm only +keeping them for you. So if I say they're gone, you'll bear me +witness, will you? He! he! he! + +TONY. Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with my own +eyes. + +MISS NEVILLE. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be +permitted to show them as relics, and then they may be locked up +again. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I could +find them you should have them. They're missing, I assure you. Lost, +for aught I know; but we must have patience wherever they are. + +MISS NEVILLE. I'll not believe it! this is but a shallow pretence to +deny me. I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as +you are to answer for the loss-- + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Don't be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I must +restore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to +be found. + +TONY. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be +found; I'll take my oath on't. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we +lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how +calm I am. + +MISS NEVILLE. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of +others. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a +thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the mean +time you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. + +MISS NEVILLE. I detest garnets. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. The most becoming things in the world to set off a +clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You +SHALL have them. [Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir.--Was +ever anything so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to +wear her trumpery? + +TONY. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you +can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of +her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he'll tell +you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. + +MISS NEVILLE. My dear cousin! + +TONY. Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. [Exit MISS +NEVILLE.] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catherine +wheel. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Confusion! thieves! robbers! we are cheated, +plundered, broke open, undone. + +TONY. What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has +happened to any of the good family! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. We are robbed. My bureau has been broken open, the +jewels taken out, and I'm undone. + +TONY. Oh! is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it +acted better in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, +ha! ha! ha! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Why, boy, I AM ruined in earnest. My bureau has been +broken open, and all taken away. + +TONY. Stick to that: ha! ha! ha! stick to that. I'll bear witness, +you know; call me to bear witness. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewels +are gone, and I shall be ruined for ever. + +TONY. Sure I know they're gone, and I'm to say so. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say. + +TONY. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha! ha! I know +who took them well enough, ha! ha! ha! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the +difference between jest and earnest? I tell you I'm not in jest, +booby. + +TONY. That's right, that's right; you must be in a bitter passion, and +then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are +gone. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that +won't hear me? Can you bear witness that you're no better than a +fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and +thieves on the other? + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn +you out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her? +Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress? + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to vex +your mother, I will. + +TONY. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him.] + + +Enter Miss HARDCASTLE and Maid. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of +mine, to send them to the house as an inn! ha! ha! I don't wonder at +his impudence. + +MAID. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by +in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He mistook +you for the bar-maid, madam. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did he? Then as I live, I'm resolved to keep up the +delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don't +you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem? + +MAID. It's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but +when she visits or receives company. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And are you sure he does not remember my face or +person? + +MAID. Certain of it. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I vow, I thought so; for, though we spoke for some +time together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up +during the interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him +from seeing me. + +MAID. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. In the first place I shall be seen, and that is no +small advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall +perhaps make an acquaintance, and that's no small victory gained over +one who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief +aim is, to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisible +champion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to +combat. + +MAID. But you are sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice +so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar +cant--Did your honour call?--Attend the Lion there--Pipes and tobacco +for the Angel.--The Lamb has been outrageous this half-hour. + +MAID. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Exit MAID.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce a +moment's repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and +his story: if I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her +curtsey down to the ground. I have at last got a moment to myself, and +now for recollection. [Walks and muses.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did you call, sir? Did your honour call? + +MARLOW. (Musing.) As for Miss Hardcastle, she's too grave and +sentimental for me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Did your honour call? (She still places herself +before him, he turning away.) + +MARLOW. No, child. (Musing.) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, +I think she squints. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. + +MARLOW. No, no. (Musing.) I have pleased my father, however, by +coming down, and I'll to-morrow please myself by returning. [Taking +out his tablets, and perusing.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir? + +MARLOW. I tell you, no. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a +parcel of servants! + +MARLOW. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face.) Yes, child, I +think I did call. I wanted--I wanted--I vow, child, you are vastly +handsome. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O la, sir, you'll make one ashamed. + +MARLOW. Never saw a more sprightly malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, +I did call. Have you got any of your--a--what d'ye call it in the +house? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days. + +MARLOW. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. +Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of a trial, of the +nectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that too. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Nectar! nectar! That's a liquor there's no call for +in these parts. French, I suppose. We sell no French wines here, sir. + +MARLOW. Of true English growth, I assure you. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it's odd I should not know it. We brew all +sorts of wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen +years. + +MARLOW. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar +before you were born. How old are you? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and +music should never be dated. + +MARLOW. To guess at this distance, you can't be much above forty +(approaching). Yet, nearer, I don't think so much (approaching). By +coming close to some women they look younger still; but when we come +very close indeed--(attempting to kiss her). + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you +wanted to know one's age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth. + +MARLOW. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at +this distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no +such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, +that was here awhile ago, in this obstropalous manner. I'll warrant +me, before her you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and +talked, for all the world, as if you was before a justice of peace. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad, she has hit it, sure enough! (To her.) In +awe of her, child? Ha! ha! ha! A mere awkward squinting thing; no, +no. I find you don't know me. I laughed and rallied her a little; but +I was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse +me! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the +ladies? + +MARLOW. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet hang me, I don't see +what they find in me to follow. At the Ladies' Club in town I'm called +their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one +I'm known by. My name is Solomons; Mr. Solomons, my dear, at your +service. (Offering to salute her.) + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Hold, sir; you are introducing me to your club, not +to yourself. And you're so great a favourite there, you say? + +MARLOW. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the +Countess of Sligo, Mrs. Langhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your +humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it's a very merry place, I suppose? + +MARLOW. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, and old women can make +us. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And their agreeable Rattle, ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad! I don't quite like this chit. She looks +knowing, methinks. You laugh, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I can't but laugh, to think what time they all have +for minding their work or their family. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) All's well; she don't laugh at me. (To her.) Do +you ever work, child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or quilt in the +whole house but what can bear witness to that. + +MARLOW. Odso! then you must show me your embroidery. I embroider and +draw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, you +must apply to me. (Seizing her hand.) + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, but the colours do not look well by candlelight. +You shall see all in the morning. (Struggling.) + +MARLOW. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the +power of resistance.--Pshaw! the father here! My old luck: I never +nicked seven that I did not throw ames ace three times following. +[Exit MARLOW.] + + +Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in surprise. + + +HARDCASTLE. So, madam. So, I find THIS is your MODEST lover. This is +your humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only +adored at humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to deceive +your father so? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Never trust me, dear papa, but he's still the modest +man I first took him for; you'll be convinced of it as well as I. + +HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, I believe his impudence is +infectious! Didn't I see him seize your hand? Didn't I see him haul +you about like a milkmaid? And now you talk of his respect and his +modesty, forsooth! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that he +has only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that +will improve with age, I hope you'll forgive him. + +HARDCASTLE. The girl would actually make one run mad! I tell you, +I'll not be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarce been three hours +in the house, and he has already encroached on all my prerogatives. +You may like his impudence, and call it modesty; but my son-in-law, +madam, must have very different qualifications. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you. + +HARDCASTLE. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts of +turning him out this very hour. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, an hour let it be then. But I'll have no trifling +with your father. All fair and open, do you mind me. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, you have ever found that I considered +your commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty as +yet has been inclination. [Exeunt.] + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +HASTINGS. You surprise me; Sir Charles Marlow expected here this +night! Where have you had your information? + +MISS NEVILLE. You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr. +Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hours +after his son. + +HASTINGS. Then, my Constance, all must be completed before he +arrives. He knows me; and should he find me here, would discover my +name, and perhaps my designs, to the rest of the family. + +MISS NEVILLE. The jewels, I hope, are safe? + +HASTINGS. Yes, yes, I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the keys of +our baggage. In the mean time, I'll go to prepare matters for our +elopement. I have had the 'squire's promise of a fresh pair of horses; +and if I should not see him again, will write him further directions. +[Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. Well! success attend you. In the mean time I'll go and +amuse my aunt with the old pretence of a violent passion for my cousin. +[Exit.] + + +Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant. + + +MARLOW. I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so valuable a +thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I have +is the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door. Have you deposited the +casket with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into her +own hands? + +SERVANT. Yes, your honour. + +MARLOW. She said she'd keep it safe, did she? + +SERVANT. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how I +came by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me give an +account of myself. [Exit Servant.] + +MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! They're safe, however. What an unaccountable set +of beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid though runs in my +head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of +the family. She's mine, she must be mine, or I'm greatly mistaken. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended to +prepare at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits too! + +MARLOW. Give me joy, George! Crown me, shadow me with laurels! +Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don't want for success +among the women. + +HASTINGS. Some women, you mean. But what success has your honour's +modesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us? + +MARLOW. Didn't you see the tempting, brisk, lovely little thing, that +runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle? + +HASTINGS. Well, and what then? + +MARLOW. She's mine, you rogue you. Such fire, such motion, such +eyes, such lips; but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though. + +HASTINGS. But are you so sure, so very sure of her? + +MARLOW. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, and +I am to improve the pattern. + +HASTINGS. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of her +honour? + +MARLOW. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the bar-maid of an +inn. I don't intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's nothing +in this house I shan't honestly pay for. + +HASTINGS. I believe the girl has virtue. + +MARLOW. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that +would attempt to corrupt it. + +HASTINGS. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to +lock up? Is it in safety? + +MARLOW. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it. But +how could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door a place of +safety? Ah! numskull! I have taken better precautions for you than +you did for yourself----I have---- + +HASTINGS. What? + +MARLOW. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you. + +HASTINGS. To the landlady! + +MARLOW. The landlady. + +HASTINGS. You did? + +MARLOW. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know. + +HASTINGS. Yes, she'll bring it forth with a witness. + +MARLOW. Wasn't I right? I believe you'll allow that I acted +prudently upon this occasion. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) He must not see my uneasiness. + +MARLOW. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure +nothing has happened? + +HASTINGS. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life. +And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily +undertook the charge. + +MARLOW. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, +through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. Ha! +ha! ha! + +HASTINGS. He! he! he! They're safe, however. + +MARLOW. As a guinea in a miser's purse. + +HASTINGS. (Aside.) So now all hopes of fortune are at an end, and we +must set off without it. (To him.) Well, Charles, I'll leave you to +your meditations on the pretty bar-maid, and, he! he! he! may you be as +successful for yourself, as you have been for me! [Exit.] + +MARLOW. Thank ye, George: I ask no more. Ha! ha! ha! + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. I no longer know my own house. It's turned all +topsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I'll bear it no +longer; and yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be calm. (To +him.) Mr. Marlow, your servant. I'm your very humble servant. +(Bowing low.) + +MARLOW. Sir, your humble servant. (Aside.) What's to be the wonder +now? + +HARDCASTLE. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man +alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son, sir. I hope you +think so? + +MARLOW. I do from my soul, sir. I don't want much entreaty. I +generally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes. + +HARDCASTLE. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I say +nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. +Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, +I assure you. + +MARLOW. I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine. If +they don't drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them not +to spare the cellar. I did, I assure you. (To the side scene.) Here, +let one of my servants come up. (To him.) My positive directions +were, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for my +deficiencies below. + +HARDCASTLE. Then they had your orders for what they do? I'm +satisfied! + +MARLOW. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of +themselves. + + +Enter Servant, drunk. + + +MARLOW. You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders? +Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, +for the good of the house? + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I begin to lose my patience. + +JEREMY. Please your honour, liberty and Fleet-street for ever! +Though I'm but a servant, I'm as good as another man. I'll drink for +no man before supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will sit upon a good +supper, but a good supper will not sit upon----hiccup----on my +conscience, sir. + +MARLOW. You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he can +possibly be. I don't know what you'd have more, unless you'd have the +poor devil soused in a beer-barrel. + +HARDCASTLE. Zounds! he'll drive me distracted, if I contain myself any +longer. Mr. Marlow--Sir; I have submitted to your insolence for more +than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I'm +now resolved to be master here, sir; and I desire that you and your +drunken pack may leave my house directly. + +MARLOW. Leave your house!----Sure you jest, my good friend! What? +when I'm doing what I can to please you. + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; so I desire you'll +leave my house. + +MARLOW. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o' night, and such a +night? You only mean to banter me. + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, I'm serious! and now that my passions are +roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I +command you to leave it directly. + +MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan't stir a step, I +assure you. (In a serious tone.) This your house, fellow! It's my +house. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What right +have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such +impudence, curse me; never in my whole life before. + +HARDCASTLE. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to my house, to +call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the +family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, "This +house is mine, sir." By all that's impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha! +ha! ha! Pray, sir (bantering), as you take the house, what think you +of taking the rest of the furniture? There's a pair of silver +candlesticks, and there's a fire-screen, and here's a pair of +brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may take a fancy to them? + +MARLOW. Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let's make no +more words about it. + +HARDCASTLE. There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the +Rake's Progress, for your own apartment? + +MARLOW. Bring me your bill, I say; and I'll leave you and your +infernal house directly. + +HARDCASTLE. Then there's a mahogany table that you may see your own +face in. + +MARLOW. My bill, I say. + +HARDCASTLE. I had forgot the great chair for your own particular +slumbers, after a hearty meal. + +MARLOW. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't. + +HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me, I +was taught to expect a well-bred modest man as a visitor here, but now +I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down +here presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit.] + +MARLOW. How's this? Sure I have not mistaken the house. Everything +looks like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the attendance is +awkward; the bar-maid, too, to attend us. But she's here, and will +further inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Let it be short, then. I'm in a hurry. (Aside.) I +believe be begins to find out his mistake. But it's too soon quite to +undeceive him. + +MARLOW. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what +may your business in this house be? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. A relation of the family, sir. + +MARLOW. What, a poor relation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep the +keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. + +MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law----what brought that in your head? One +of the best families in the country keep an inn--Ha! ha! ha! old Mr. +Hardcastle's house an inn! + +MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle's house, +child? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be? + +MARLOW. So then, all's out, and I have been damnably imposed on. O, +confound my stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the whole town. I +shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The DULLISSIMO +MACCARONI. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and my +father's old friend for an innkeeper! What a swaggering puppy must he +take me for! What a silly puppy do I find myself! There again, may I +be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Dear me! dear me! I'm sure there's nothing in my +BEHAVIOUR to put me on a level with one of that stamp. + +MARLOW. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of +blunders, and could not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw +everything the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, and +your simplicity for allurement. But it's over. This house I no more +show MY face in. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you. +I'm sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been so +polite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure I should be +sorry (pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my account. I'm +sure I should be sorry if people said anything amiss, since I have no +fortune but my character. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) By Heaven! she weeps. This is the first mark of +tenderness I ever had from a modest woman, and it touches me. (To +her.) Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the family I +leave with reluctance. But to be plain with you, the difference of our +birth, fortune, and education, makes an honourable connexion +impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of seducing simplicity +that trusted in my honour, of bringing ruin upon one whose only fault +was being too lovely. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Generous man! I now begin to admire him. +(To him.) But I am sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's; and +though I'm poor, that's no great misfortune to a contented mind; and, +until this moment, I never thought that it was bad to want fortune. + +MARLOW. And why now, my pretty simplicity? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Because it puts me at a distance from one that, if I +had a thousand pounds, I would give it all to. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This simplicity bewitches me, so that if I stay, I'm +undone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her. (To her.) Your +partiality in my favour, my dear, touches me most sensibly: and were I +to live for myself alone, I could easily fix my choice. But I owe too +much to the opinion of the world, too much to the authority of a +father; so that--I can scarcely speak it--it affects me. Farewell. +[Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till now. He shall not +go, if I have power or art to detain him. I'll still preserve the +character in which I STOOPED TO CONQUER; but will undeceive my papa, +who perhaps may laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit.] + + +Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE. + + +TONY. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have done my +duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing; but she +believes it was all a mistake of the servants. + +MISS NEVILLE. But, my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake us in this +distress? If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall +certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree's, which is ten +times worse. + +TONY. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things. But what +can I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like +Whistle-jacket; and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted you +nicely before her face. Here she comes, we must court a bit or two +more, for fear she should suspect us. [They retire, and seem to +fondle.] + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. But my +son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, +however, till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her own +fortune. But what do I see? fondling together, as I'm alive. I never +saw Tony so sprightly before. Ah! have I caught you, my pretty doves? +What, billing, exchanging stolen glances and broken murmurs? Ah! + +TONY. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to be +sure. But there's no love lost between us. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make +it burn brighter. + +MISS NEVILLE. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at +home. Indeed, he shan't leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin +Tony, will it? + +TONY. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd sooner leave my horse in a +pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you +so becoming. + +MISS NEVILLE. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that natural +humour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless (patting his cheek)--ah! +it's a bold face. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pretty innocence! + +TONY. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con.'s hazle eyes, and her +pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the +haspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree. I was +never so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr. +Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con., shall be yours +incontinently. You shall have them. Isn't he a sweet boy, my dear? +You shall be married to-morrow, and we'll put off the rest of his +education, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, to a fitter opportunity. + + +Enter DIGGORY. + + +DIGGORY. Where's the 'squire? I have got a letter for your worship. + +TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. + +DIGGORY. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. + +TONY. Who does it come from? + +DIGGORY. Your worship mun ask that o' the letter itself. + +TONY. I could wish to know though (turning the letter, and gazing on +it). + +MISS NEVILLE. (Aside.) Undone! undone! A letter to him from +Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for +ever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. (To MRS. +HARDCASTLE.) But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's smart +answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed.--You must know, +madam.--This way a little, for he must not hear us. [They confer.] + +TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned cramp piece of penmanship, as ever I +saw in my life. I can read your print hand very well. But here are +such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head +from the tail.--"To Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire." It's very odd, I can +read the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough; but +when I come to open it, it's all----buzz. That's hard, very hard; for +the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was +too hard for the philosopher. + +MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A +little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled +him again. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. + +TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned up and down hand, as if it was +disguised in liquor.--(Reading.) Dear Sir,--ay, that's that. Then +there's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or +an R, confound me, I cannot tell. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. What's that, my dear? Can I give you any +assistance? + +MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand +better than I. (Twitching the letter from him.) Do you know who it is +from? + +TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder. + +MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read.) Dear 'Squire, +hoping that you're in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen +of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out of +feather. The odds--um--odd battle--um--long fighting--um--here, here, +it's all about cocks and fighting; it's of no consequence; here, put it +up, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him.) + +TONY. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. +I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you +make it out. Of no consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the letter.) + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. How's this?--(Reads.) "Dear 'Squire, I'm now +waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom of +the garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I +expect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. +Dispatch is necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, will +otherwise suspect us! Yours, Hastings." Grant me patience. I shall +run distracted! My rage chokes me. + +MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few +moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, +that belongs to another. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low.) Fine spoken, madam, you are +most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of +courtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone.) And you, you +great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth +shut: were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots +in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh +horses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, +instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to +run off with ME. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll +warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the +way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll show you, that I wish you +better than you do yourselves. [Exit.] + +MISS NEVILLE. So now I'm completely ruined. + +TONY. Ay, that's a sure thing. + +MISS NEVILLE. What better could be expected from being connected with +such a stupid fool,--and after all the nods and signs I made him? + +TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my +stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with +your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be +making believe. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown my +letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman? + +TONY. Here's another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was +her doing, not mine. + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. So I have been finely used here among you. Rendered +contemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. + +TONY. Here's another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose +presently. + +MISS NEVILLE. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe +every obligation. + +MARLOW. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance +and age are a protection? + +HASTINGS. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace +correction. + +MISS NEVILLE. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself +merry with all our embarrassments. + +HASTINGS. An insensible cub. + +MARLOW. Replete with tricks and mischief. + +TONY. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the +other----with baskets. + +MARLOW. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. +Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would +not undeceive me. + +HASTINGS. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time +for explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. + +MARLOW. But, sir---- + +MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was +too late to undeceive you. + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. The +horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We +are to go thirty miles before morning. [Exit Servant.] + +MISS NEVILLE. Well, well: I'll come presently. + +MARLOW. (To HASTINGS.) Was it well done, sir, to assist in rendering +me ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? +Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. + +HASTINGS. Was it well done, sir, if you're upon that subject, to +deliver what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another sir? + +MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will you increase my +distress by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you---- + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. [Exit +Servant.] + +MISS NEVILLE. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, I +shall die with apprehension. + + +Enter Servant. + + +SERVANT. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting. + +MISS NEVILLE. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraint +and ill-nature lies before me, I'm sure it would convert your +resentment into pity. + +MARLOW. I'm so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don't +know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my +hasty temper, and should not exasperate it. + +HASTINGS. The torture of my situation is my only excuse. + +MISS NEVILLE. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me +that I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years +will but increase the happiness of our future connexion. If---- + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Within.) Miss Neville. Constance, why Constance, I +say. + +MISS NEVILLE. I'm coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy is the +word. [Exit.] + +HASTINGS. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness, +and such happiness! + +MARLOW. (To Tony.) You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your +folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and +even distress. + +TONY. (From a reverie.) Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Your +hands. Yours and yours, my poor Sulky!--My boots there, ho!--Meet me +two hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if you don't find Tony +Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'll give you +leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come +along. My boots, ho! [Exeunt.] + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +(SCENE continued.) + + +Enter HASTINGS and Servant. + + +HASTINGS. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say? + +SERVANT. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post-coach, and the +young 'squire went on horseback. They're thirty miles off by this +time. + +HASTINGS. Then all my hopes are over. + +SERVANT. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles has arrived. He and the old +gentleman of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow's mistake this +half hour. They are coming this way. + +HASTINGS. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless +appointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time. +[Exit.] + + +Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth +his sublime commands! + +SIR CHARLES. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your +advances. + +HARDCASTLE. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common +innkeeper, too. + +SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but be mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, +ha! ha! ha! + +HARDCASTLE. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but +joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our +personal friendships hereditary; and though my daughter's fortune is +but small-- + +SIR CHARLES. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to ME? My son is +possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a +good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they +like each other, as you say they do-- + +HARDCASTLE. IF, man! I tell you they DO like each other. My +daughter as good as told me so. + +SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know. + +HARDCASTLE. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and +here he comes to put you out of your IFS, I warrant him. + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. +I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. + +HARDCASTLE. Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour or +two's laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She'll +never like you the worse for it. + +MARLOW. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation. + +HARDCASTLE. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not +deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You +take me? + +MARLOW. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. + +HARDCASTLE. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what as well +as you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum. + +MARLOW. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most +profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You +don't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest +of the family. + +HARDCASTLE. Impudence! No, I don't say that--not quite +impudence--though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little +too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. + +MARLOW. I never gave her the slightest cause. + +HARDCASTLE. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. But +this is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father +and I will like you all the better for it. + +MARLOW. May I die, sir, if I ever---- + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as I'm sure you +like her---- + +MARLOW. Dear sir--I protest, sir---- + +HARDCASTLE. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as +the parson can tie you. + +MARLOW. But hear me, sir-- + +HARDCASTLE. Your father approves the match, I admire it; every +moment's delay will be doing mischief. So-- + +MARLOW. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, I +never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even +the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one +interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. + +HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) This fellow's formal modest impudence is beyond +bearing. + +SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped her hand, or made any +protestations? + +MARLOW. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your +commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without +reluctance. I hope you'll exact no farther proofs of my duty, nor +prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many +mortifications. [Exit.] + +SIR CHARLES. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he +parted. + +HARDCASTLE. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his +assurance. + +SIR CHARLES. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth. + +HARDCASTLE. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness +upon her veracity. + + +Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely and +without reserve: has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and +affection? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. The question is very abrupt, sir. But since you +require unreserved sincerity, I think he has. + +HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + +SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than one +interview? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, several. + +HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You see. + +SIR CHARLES. But did be profess any attachment? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. A lasting one. + +SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Much, sir. + +SIR CHARLES. Amazing! And all this formally? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Formally. + +HARDCASTLE. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. + +SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave, madam? + +MISS HARDCASTLE. As most profest admirers do: said some civil things +of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of +mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with +pretended rapture. + +SIR CHARLES. Now I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his +conversation among women to be modest and submissive: this forward +canting ranting manner by no means describes him; and, I am confident, +he never sat for the picture. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your +face of my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will +place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his +passion to me in person. + +SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my +happiness in him must have an end. [Exit.] + +MISS HARDCASTLE. And if you don't find him what I describe--I fear my +happiness must never have a beginning. [Exeunt.] + + +SCENE changes to the back of the Garden. + + +Enter HASTINGS. + + +HASTINGS. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probably +takes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, +and I'll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps with +news of my Constance. + + +Enter Tony, booted and spattered. + + +HASTINGS. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man of your word. +This looks like friendship. + +TONY. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, +if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the bye, is cursedly +tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach. + +HASTINGS. But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Are +they in safety? Are they housed? + +TONY. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad +driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I'd rather +ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment. + +HASTINGS. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with +impatience. + +TONY. Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found +them? + +HASTINGS. This is a riddle. + +TONY. Riddle me this then. What's that goes round the house, and +round the house, and never touches the house? + +HASTINGS. I'm still astray. + +TONY. Why, that's it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, +there's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they +can tell the taste of. + +HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! I understand: you took them in a round, while +they supposed themselves going forward, and so you have at last brought +them home again. + +TONY. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed Lane, where +we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of +Up-and-down Hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-tree +Heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in +the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. + +HASTINGS. But no accident, I hope? + +TONY. No, no. Only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks +herself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey; and the cattle can +scarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with +cousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow +you. + +HASTINGS. My dear friend, how can I be grateful? + +TONY. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'squire. Just now, it was all +idiot, cub, and run me through the guts. Damn YOUR way of fighting, I +say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and be +friends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should be +dead, and you might go kiss the hangman. + +HASTINGS. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss +Neville: if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of +the young one. [Exit HASTINGS.] + +TONY. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She's got from the +pond, and draggled up to the waist like a mermaid. + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, Tony, I'm killed! Shook! Battered to death. I +shall never survive it. That last jolt, that laid us against the +quickset hedge, has done my business. + +TONY. Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for +running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many +accidents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a +ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose +our way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony? + +TONY. By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about forty +miles from home. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all the +country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't. + +TONY. Don't be afraid, mamma, don't be afraid. Two of the five that +kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don't be +afraid.--Is that a man that's galloping behind us? No; it's only a +tree.--Don't be afraid. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. The fright will certainly kill me. + +TONY. Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, death! + +TONY. No; it's only a cow. Don't be afraid, mamma; don't he afraid. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. +Ah! I'm sure on't. If he perceives us, we are undone. + +TONY. (Aside.) Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky, come to take one +of his night walks. (To her.) Ah, it's a highwayman with pistols as +long as my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Good Heaven defend us! He approaches. + +TONY. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage +him. If there be any danger, I'll cough, and cry hem. When I cough, +be sure to keep close. (MRS. HARDCASTLE hides behind a tree in the +back scene.) + + +Enter HARDCASTLE. + + +HARDCASTLE. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of +help. Oh, Tony! is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are +your mother and her charge in safety? + +TONY. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree's. Hem. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Ah, death! I find there's danger. + +HARDCASTLE. Forty miles in three hours; sure that's too much, my +youngster. + +TONY. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. +Hem. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Sure he'll do the dear boy no harm. + +HARDCASTLE. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from +whence it came. + +TONY. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty +miles in four hours was very good going. Hem. As to be sure it was. +Hem. I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We'll go in, +if you please. Hem. + +HARDCASTLE. But if you talked to yourself you did not answer +yourself. I'm certain I heard two voices, and am resolved (raising his +voice) to find the other out. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Oh! he's coming to find me out. Oh! + +TONY. What need you go, sir, if I tell you? Hem. I'll lay down my +life for the truth--hem--I'll tell you all, sir. [Detaining him.] + +HARDCASTLE. I tell you I will not be detained. I insist on seeing. +It's in vain to expect I'll believe you. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Running forward from behind.) O lud! he'll murder +my poor boy, my darling! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me. +Take my money, my life, but spare that young gentleman; spare my child, +if you have any mercy. + +HARDCASTLE. My wife, as I'm a Christian. From whence can she come? or +what does she mean? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Kneeling.) Take compassion on us, good Mr. +Highwayman. Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare our +lives. We will never bring you to justice; indeed we won't, good Mr. +Highwayman. + +HARDCASTLE. I believe the woman's out of her senses. What, Dorothy, +don't you know ME? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Mr. Hardcastle, as I'm alive! My fears blinded me. +But who, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this +frightful place, so far from home? What has brought you to follow us? + +HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits? So far from +home, when you are within forty yards of your own door! (To him.) +This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you. (To her.) +Don't you know the gate, and the mulberry-tree; and don't you remember +the horse-pond, my dear? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yes, I shall remember the horse-pond as long as I +live; I have caught my death in it. (To TONY.) And it is to you, you +graceless varlet, I owe all this? I'll teach you to abuse your mother, +I will. + +TONY. Ecod, mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so +you may take the fruits on't. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. I'll spoil you, I will. [Follows him off the stage. +Exit.] + +HARDCASTLE. There's morality, however, in his reply. [Exit.] + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +HASTINGS. My dear Constance, why will you deliberate thus? If we +delay a moment, all is lost for ever. Pluck up a little resolution, +and we shall soon be out of the reach of her malignity. + +MISS NEVILLE. I find it impossible. My spirits are so sunk with the +agitations I have suffered, that I am unable to face any new danger. +Two or three years' patience will at last crown us with happiness. + +HASTINGS. Such a tedious delay is worse than inconstancy. Let us fly, +my charmer. Let us date our happiness from this very moment. Perish +fortune! Love and content will increase what we possess beyond a +monarch's revenue. Let me prevail! + +MISS NEVILLE. No, Mr. Hastings, no. Prudence once more comes to my +relief, and I will obey its dictates. In the moment of passion fortune +may be despised, but it ever produces a lasting repentance. I'm +resolved to apply to Mr. Hardcastle's compassion and justice for +redress. + +HASTINGS. But though he had the will, he has not the power to relieve +you. + +MISS NEVILLE. But he has influence, and upon that I am resolved to +rely. + +HASTINGS. I have no hopes. But since you persist, I must reluctantly +obey you. [Exeunt.] + + +SCENE changes. + + +Enter SIR CHARLES and MISS HARDCASTLE. + + +SIR CHARLES. What a situation am I in! If what you say appears, I +shall then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall then +lose one that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. I am proud of your approbation, and to show I merit +it, if you place yourselves as I directed, you shall hear his explicit +declaration. But he comes. + +SIR CHARLES. I'll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. +[Exit SIR CHARLES.] + + +Enter MARLOW. + + +MARLOW. Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to take +leave; nor did I, till this moment, know the pain I feel in the +separation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. (In her own natural manner.) I believe sufferings +cannot be very great, sir, which you can so easily remove. A day or +two longer, perhaps, might lessen your uneasiness, by showing the +little value of what you now think proper to regret. + +MARLOW. (Aside.) This girl every moment improves upon me. (To her.) +It must not be, madam. I have already trifled too long with my heart. +My very pride begins to submit to my passion. The disparity of +education and fortune, the anger of a parent, and the contempt of my +equals, begin to lose their weight; and nothing can restore me to +myself but this painful effort of resolution. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Then go, sir: I'll urge nothing more to detain you. +Though my family be as good as hers you came down to visit, and my +education, I hope, not inferior, what are these advantages without +equal affluence? I must remain contented with the slight approbation +of imputed merit; I must have only the mockery of your addresses, while +all your serious aims are fixed on fortune. + + +Enter HARDCASTLE and SIR CHARLES from behind. + + +SIR CHARLES. Here, behind this screen. + +HARDCASTLE. Ay, ay; make no noise. I'll engage my Kate covers him +with confusion at last. + +MARLOW. By heavens, madam! fortune was ever my smallest +consideration. Your beauty at first caught my eye; for who could see +that without emotion? But every moment that I converse with you steals +in some new grace, heightens the picture, and gives it stronger +expression. What at first seemed rustic plainness, now appears refined +simplicity. What seemed forward assurance, now strikes me as the +result of courageous innocence and conscious virtue. + +SIR CHARLES. What can it mean? He amazes me! + +HARDCASTLE. I told you how it would be. Hush! + +MARLOW. I am now determined to stay, madam; and I have too good an +opinion of my father's discernment, when he sees you, to doubt his +approbation. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. No, Mr. Marlow, I will not, cannot detain you. Do +you think I could suffer a connexion in which there is the smallest +room for repentance? Do you think I would take the mean advantage of a +transient passion, to load you with confusion? Do you think I could +ever relish that happiness which was acquired by lessening yours? + +MARLOW. By all that's good, I can have no happiness but what's in your +power to grant me! Nor shall I ever feel repentance but in not having +seen your merits before. I will stay even contrary to your wishes; and +though you should persist to shun me, I will make my respectful +assiduities atone for the levity of my past conduct. + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I must entreat you'll desist. As our +acquaintance began, so let it end, in indifference. I might have +given an hour or two to levity; but seriously, Mr. Marlow, do you +think I could ever submit to a connexion where I must appear +mercenary, and you imprudent? Do you think I could ever catch at the +confident addresses of a secure admirer? + +MARLOW. (Kneeling.) Does this look like security? Does this look +like confidence? No, madam, every moment that shows me your merit, +only serves to increase my diffidence and confusion. Here let me +continue---- + +SIR CHARLES. I can hold it no longer. Charles, Charles, how hast thou +deceived me! Is this your indifference, your uninteresting +conversation? + +HARDCASTLE. Your cold contempt; your formal interview! What have you +to say now? + +MARLOW. That I'm all amazement! What can it mean? + +HARDCASTLE. It means that you can say and unsay things at pleasure: +that you can address a lady in private, and deny it in public: that you +have one story for us, and another for my daughter. + +MARLOW. Daughter!--This lady your daughter? + +HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, my only daughter; my Kate; whose else should she +be? + +MARLOW. Oh, the devil! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, that very identical tall squinting lady you +were pleased to take me for (courtseying); she that you addressed as +the mild, modest, sentimental man of gravity, and the bold, forward, +agreeable Rattle of the Ladies' Club. Ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. Zounds! there's no bearing this; it's worse than death! + +MISS HARDCASTLE. In which of your characters, sir, will you give us +leave to address you? As the faltering gentleman, with looks on the +ground, that speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loud +confident creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old Miss +Biddy Buckskin, till three in the morning? Ha! ha! ha! + +MARLOW. O, curse on my noisy head. I never attempted to be impudent +yet, that I was not taken down. I must be gone. + +HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it was +all a mistake, and I am rejoiced to find it. You shall not, sir, I +tell you. I know she'll forgive you. Won't you forgive him, Kate? +We'll all forgive you. Take courage, man. (They retire, she +tormenting him, to the back scene.) + + +Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and Tony. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. So, so, they're gone off. Let them go, I care not. + +HARDCASTLE. Who gone? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dutiful niece and her gentleman, Mr. Hastings, +from town. He who came down with our modest visitor here. + +SIR CHARLES. Who, my honest George Hastings? As worthy a fellow as +lives, and the girl could not have made a more prudent choice. + +HARDCASTLE. Then, by the hand of my body, I'm proud of the connexion. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, if he has taken away the lady, he has not +taken her fortune; that remains in this family to console us for her +loss. + +HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you would not be so mercenary? + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, that's my affair, not yours. + +HARDCASTLE. But you know if your son, when of age, refuses to marry +his cousin, her whole fortune is then at her own disposal. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, but he's not of age, and she has not thought +proper to wait for his refusal. + + +Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. + + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) What, returned so soon! I begin not to +like it. + +HASTINGS. (To HARDCASTLE.) For my late attempt to fly off with your +niece let my present confusion be my punishment. We are now come back, +to appeal from your justice to your humanity. By her father's consent, +I first paid her my addresses, and our passions were first founded in +duty. + +MISS NEVILLE. Since his death, I have been obliged to stoop to +dissimulation to avoid oppression. In an hour of levity, I was ready +to give up my fortune to secure my choice. But I am now recovered from +the delusion, and hope from your tenderness what is denied me from a +nearer connexion. + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pshaw, pshaw! this is all but the whining end of a +modern novel. + +HARDCASTLE. Be it what it will, I'm glad they're come back to reclaim +their due. Come hither, Tony, boy. Do you refuse this lady's hand +whom I now offer you? + +TONY. What signifies my refusing? You know I can't refuse her till +I'm of age, father. + +HARDCASTLE. While I thought concealing your age, boy, was likely to +conduce to your improvement, I concurred with your mother's desire to +keep it secret. But since I find she turns it to a wrong use, I must +now declare you have been of age these three months. + +TONY. Of age! Am I of age, father? + +HARDCASTLE. Above three months. + +TONY. Then you'll see the first use I'll make of my liberty. (Taking +MISS NEVILLE's hand.) Witness all men by these presents, that I, +Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire, of BLANK place, refuse you, Constantia +Neville, spinster, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. So +Constance Neville may marry whom she pleases, and Tony Lumpkin is his +own man again. + +SIR CHARLES. O brave 'squire! + +HASTINGS. My worthy friend! + +MRS. HARDCASTLE. My undutiful offspring! + +MARLOW. Joy, my dear George! I give you joy sincerely. And could I +prevail upon my little tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should be +the happiest man alive, if you would return me the favour. + +HASTINGS. (To MISS HARDCASTLE.) Come, madam, you are now driven to +the very last scene of all your contrivances. I know you like him, I'm +sure he loves you, and you must and shall have him. + +HARDCASTLE. (Joining their hands.) And I say so too. And, Mr. +Marlow, if she makes as good a wife as she has a daughter, I don't +believe you'll ever repent your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrow +we shall gather all the poor of the parish about us, and the mistakes +of the night shall be crowned with a merry morning. So, boy, take her; +and as you have been mistaken in the mistress, my wish is, that you may +never be mistaken in the wife. [Exeunt Omnes.] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's 'She Stoops To Conquer' E-Text + + diff --git a/old/sstcq10.zip b/old/sstcq10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..79585b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/sstcq10.zip |