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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/38261-8.txt b/38261-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bba6ae4 --- /dev/null +++ b/38261-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1434 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, +Jan 13, 1872, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Jan 13, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 10, 2011 [EBook #38261] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 62. +JANUARY 13, 1872. + + +[Illustration: A STRAIGHTFORWARD VIEW. + +_High Church Curate._ "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A +CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?" + +_Literal Churchwarden._ "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGYMAN +IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!"] + + * * * * * + + POKES IN PANTOMIMES. + +_NON omnia possumus omnes_; we are not all Popes, nor should we be +omnipotent even if we were infallible. The _Daily News_ is a journal of +ability; but there is a certain inconsistency, the cause of which it +declares itself unable to fathom:-- + + "That all personal allusions to the private lives of individuals + should be eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed, we + sympathise with DR. JOHNSON, who, on hearing that FOOTE, the + actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired the + price of a good thick stick; but why, in the name of common + sense, when caricatures of MR. GLADSTONE and MR. LOWE weekly + appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a day passes + without these gentlemen being attacked in print on account of + one or other of their public acts, every harmless joke upon + their official doings should be expunged from the pantomimes, + surpasses comprehension." + +Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in theatres a place +called the Gallery. This place is occupied by a peculiar description of +audience and spectators. In the theatre, by physical position, they +constitute the higher orders, but in common talk are contrariwise named. +Of old, bloated aristocrats were wont ironically to style them "the +Gods." Enlightened Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their +value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now the People of +the Gallery are not accustomed to read humorous journals in which +caricatures of the People's WILLIAM, and the People's ROBERT, appear +weekly. If they were, it would be necessary for the humorous journals to +be very careful in caricaturing those popular Ministers, lest +caricatures should endanger their popularity. The People of the Gallery +are our flesh and blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take +jokes too seriously. If the _Clown_ in a Pantomime were to tread upon a +match-box, and get blown up sky-high, or if, assisted by the +_Pantaloon_, he presented a working man in an arsenal with a sack, these +performances, to the occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless +jokes, but the effect produced by them in the electoral way would +probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with friends and relations +of match-venders and dockyard labourers. + + * * * * * + + =The Best Tonic.= + +THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as alive as ever to the +cheering effect of "good spirits" on their patients. + + * * * * * + + PROBABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, being thoroughly convinced of the +injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its total +abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he +undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be +voted. + +MR. AYRTON is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to being +able to lecture LORD ELCHO and others on the subject, and also to defend +the action of the Government in resisting all attempts to improve the +National Gallery. + +In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, MR. +WHALLEY, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own residence +as an asylum for the POPE, while exiled from his kingdom. + +It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat the +Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent them +from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds occupied so long +with one subject. + +It is considered almost certain that M. THIERS will seize a very early +opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of the +COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA. + +The game slaughtered at the _battues_ of eleven noble sportsmen (all +members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed among the +East-End poor. + +It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the +provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced this +season, without containing any humorous allusion to "the Claimant." + +MR. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from +Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for a +confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother embraced the +Jewish faith. + +More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have withdrawn their +names this season, and have transferred their subscriptions to the +Humane Society. + +Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government are: (1) a Bill +for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers; (2) a Bill to +Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty Weather; and (3) a Bill +to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse. + +The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in +political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief +command of the vessel of the State. + +It is considered highly probable that, following the good example of +some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the very +highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with little +placards of "NO FEES!" + + * * * * * + + JUST A HINT. + +IS there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, describing a +Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY betook himself +to the heather, and, having scratched himself with one hand, and cast up +an account with the other, suddenly waxed furious, and drew his sword? +We hope that certain Transatlantic friends of ours will not bring in so +tremendous a bill against us, as to make it cheaper for us to fight than +to pay. For we love them very much, but we are obliged to be awfully +economical in these Gladstonian days. + + * * * * * + + =Mathematical Intelligence.= + +IT would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a circle. +Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve years old, he +will back himself on any given morning to get round a square. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ----"WE ARE SUCH STUFF AS DREAMS ARE MADE OF----" +_Tempest._] + + * * * * * + + =EVENINGS FROM HOME.= + +THE next place of Amusement to which MR. BARLOW took his two young +pupils was the STRAND THEATRE. Here they saw _Arion, or the Story of a +Lyre_, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, played by MESSRS. +PAULTON and TERRY, whose duet of "_Walk Up and See my Show_," they so +vehemently applauded as to draw forth a reproof from their worthy +preceptor, who, however, on observing that these comedians seemed to be +possessed of an inexhaustible stock of fresh verses applicable to the +circumstances of the times, was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the +commendations which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon +this portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both +TOMMY and HARRY, neither of whom had up to this time ever evinced any +musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs they had heard +at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their praiseworthy +endeavours on receiving MR. BARLOW'S promise that he would take them +again to witness the same piece, if TOMMY (whose father, being a very +wealthy man, had recently bestowed upon his son a handsome Christmas +gratuity) would pay for three stalls, or at least three places, in the +Dress Circle. + + * * * + +On the following night they went to the PRINCESS'S, to see MR. WATTS +PHILLIPS'S play of _On the Jury_, followed by a Pantomime called _Little +Dicky Dilver_. + +At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their +overcoats and hats; and TOMMY, upon whom his tutor's example, on the +occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, expressed his +gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate manner. + +TOMMY now discovered a further opportunity of making himself acquainted +with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set himself +diligently to learn. + +_Mr. Barlow._ At this theatre you will behold a constellation of talent. + +_Tommy._ But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"? + +"Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars remarkable +either for their brightness or position, or both. These stars, joined +together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have three Stars--MR. +WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and MISS FURTADO." + +_Tommy._ Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their +brightness or position." + +_Mr. Barlow._ Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make you +acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars in London. + +_Tommy._ Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use is it to +know the Stars? + +_Mr. Barlow._ There are some, and those very important, uses to be +derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you tell MASTER +MERTON the story of _The Free Admission and the Grateful Turk_. + +HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn up, +disclosed to them the First Scene of _On the Jury_. + +_Mr. Barlow._ This would indeed be a very good piece, but for faulty +construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic situations, it +has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. You have been +silent, TOMMY, for some time. + +_Tommy._ Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted; and as for +one of your Stars, MISS FURTADO,--Dear Heart! I protest I could watch +her every evening with the greatest delight. + +MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY in his +usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the example of the +poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation. + +"What is that, Sir?" inquired TOMMY. + +"They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," said MR. +BARLOW, "that they never give way to the sudden impulses of passion so +common among Europeans. And see, you have split your new white kid +gloves in applauding this young lady." Then turning to HARRY, he asked +him if he had not been touched by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this +piece. + +_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. _Mr. Tibbetts_ was a +hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have played more +admirably than the gentleman who took the part of _Dexter Sanderson, +Esq._ + +_Mr. Barlow._ You mean MR. PHELPS, and you are right. It is indeed a +fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and yet such a thorough +finish, in this performance, that it would be worth the while of many of +our younger actors (who flatter themselves on their consummate art, in +consequence of having been unduly praised for their few achievements) to +come here and take a lesson from MR. PHELPS. + +MR. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should be +wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, and +its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last Act. He +further complained that it should be thought necessary to commence it at +seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this ought to be, with a +Pantomime. + +TOMMY and HARRY were not, however, of his mind upon this point, and +insisted upon stopping to see the _Clown_. They were somewhat +disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themselves prodigiously +delighted with MR. LLOYD'S scenery. + +On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overcoats, +wrappers, and hats. TOMMY'S little heart was much affected by this +kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured its contents +(four bright new farthings and three peppermint lozenges) into the +honest fellow's hand, saying, "Here, my good man, take this, and Heaven +bless you!" It is impossible to express the surprise of the poor man at +the sight. He stared wildly round him, and would have fallen but for the +tender support of his assistant, who imagined that his companion had +lost his senses. But the man cried out, "O, WILLIAM, I am not mad! See +what Providence has sent us by the hands of this little angel!" Saying +this, he held up the money and the lozenges. But TOMMY went up to them +both, and said, "My good friends, you are very welcome to this: I freely +give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, give +them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves in your +leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were totally +unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their tears, TOMMY +was out of sight, having followed MR. BARLOW and HARRY to the door. + + * * * + +MR. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HARRY to EVANS'S Supper Rooms, to +enter which place they had to pay a shilling apiece. This troubled their +worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was painfully struck, as he informed his +young friends, by the altered aspect of the interior. MR. BARLOW +explained to them that in _his_ time the room was snug, cosy, and +comfortable, and only one quarter of its present size. That _then_ there +were neither carpet nor tavern-like mirrors. "True," said MR. BARLOW, +"that all that was objectionable in the entertainment of former days has +long ere this disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the +"opposite sex," in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit +invisible, and listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued MR. +BARLOW, "you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, who +would call JOHN to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at once, and give +the order himself, returning to see if you were comfortably served. Then +the waiters flew, and to command was to have. Now, TOMMY, observe I have +spoken to these waiters, and have ordered my supper more than twenty +minutes since, and it has not appeared. See MR. GREEN himself" (the +veteran here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear boys, +MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, wandered away to another part of the room), +"he is no longer Proprietor; he is only nominally in authority, his +occupation is, in effect, gone; he is the only connecting link between +the past and present EVANS'S, 'retained,' to quote his own immortal line +about the lamented VON JOEL, 'on the establishment, in consequence of +his long services.'" + +So affected were both HARRY and TOMMY by MR. BARLOW'S discourse that +they begged to be allowed to quit a place which only aroused so much +sadness in the breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving, +MR. BARLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which he had taken, +whereupon the waiter begged to be remembered, which MR. BARLOW, being +blessed with a good memory, willingly consented to do. But the waiter +candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle for his trouble, MR. +BARLOW could not refrain from expostulating with the honest fellow on +the absurdity of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the old +and palmy days of EVANS'S there was no charge for admission, and the +attention bestowed on visitors being admirable, it was a pleasure to +bestow some gratuity upon the attendants, which was always received by +the money collector at the door with a grateful "I thank you, Sir. Good +night, Sir." + +While MR. BARLOW was thus addressing MASTERS HARRY and TOMMY, the waiter +was summoned to a distant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended +the steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent Garden. + +"Farewell, EVANS'S!" said MR. BARLOW, sadly; "I know not that I shall +darken thy doors again!" + +"What you were saying, Sir," observed HARRY on their reaching their +lodgings, "reminds me of the story of _Tigranes and the Amphibious +Black_." + +_Mr. Barlow._ I do not think TOMMY MERTON has heard it. + +_Harry._ Well, you must know, MASTER TOMMY---- + +But TOMMY had gone straight up-stairs to bed. + +MR. BARLOW, who knew the story by heart, having, indeed, himself told it +to MASTER HARRY, then took his candle, and wishing HARRY a very good +night, retired. + + * * * * * + + VIĈ ANTIQUĈ. + +IT is pleasant to make honourable mention, in _Mr. Punch's_ columns, of +anything bearing the name of JERROLD. The latest appearance of this name +is in conjunction with that of GUSTAVE DORÉ--a household word. Two +artists have been making a pilgrimage through London together, and each, +with his own implement, is recording his experiences, the result to be a +beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen has appeared. _Mr. Punch_ +is glad to welcome a new memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as +that city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the parts most +likely to attract the eye of M. DORÉ, that it will soon be all as +colourless as a Boulevard or Regent Street. If MR. JERROLD will show M. +DORÉ anything that shall call out the power lavished on the houses in +the pictures to a certain book of _Contes_, the two will do the good +deed of apprising posterity that London was the production of +architects, and not of excessively respectable contractors for building +purposes. + + * * * * * + + =Royal Clemency.= + +WE have heard, with gratification, that the remainder of the sentence on +JOHN POYNTZ SPENCER, who was sent to Ireland in 1868, and who has since +been immured in Dublin Castle, is likely to be remitted. His admirable +conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and his return will +be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that he has amply expiated the +political offence of being a Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an +honourable future is in store for him. + + * * * * * + + =SANITARY SERMONS.= + +[Illustration: M]OST of our contemporaries have lately improved an +alarming occasion with many monitory observations on typhoid fever. The +whole of these, however, reducible into a few words, may be pretty well +summed up in the caution,--Look to your drains. In addition, _Dr. Punch_ +begs to offer a piece of advice _gratis_ to all persons in possession of +his universal remedy, price 3_d._, 4_d._ stamped, to counterfeit which +is piracy. Look to yourselves. + +Pestiferous as is the atmosphere of sewers, not only do rats live, but +labourers work in it, the former wholly, the latter for most part with +impunity. The rodents get acclimatised, unless it be that instinct +impels them to take some sort of vegetable or other preventive of +zymotic and mephitic diseases. As for the working-men, they smoke +pipes of tobacco almost to a man, and as generally prescribe for and +administer to themselves alcohol in some one or other of its forms, +commonly that of something short, which, if asked to give it a name, we +will call gin, or euphemistically, Old Tom, not to say, dyslogistically, +blue ruin, for the useless sake of pleasing the United Kingdom Alliance; +those conspirators against the potatory liberty of the subject who hate +us youth, and specially abhor _Punch_. The gin-drinking, prevalent among +the population of the slums, comes of a sense which is medicinal, and +the medicine would, in effect, be altogether salutary but for the +tendency of people to take it in over-doses. + +Everybody knows how continually medical men are exposed to all manner of +contagion, and how very seldom they catch any disease. They, it is true, +are not in the habit of asking particularly for gin on coming out of a +sick-room: but they are accustomed to take, or do, whatsoever may be +requisite to maintain the bodily conditions which resist or expel +poisonous or morbid effluvia. + +Look to your drains, by all means; but look also to the natural gates +and alleys of the body--keep them clear, and permeable, and pervious. +By what means? Therein the patient may minister to himself if he can, +or else should inquire of his doctor, who will let him know. There is, +however, a popular panacea which he will find invariably efficacious. +The prophylactic as well as therapeutic virtues of _Punch_, of +_Punch's Pocket-Book_, and _Punch's Almanack_, are so universally +known and so deservedly celebrated that any recommendation beyond the +merest reference to those powerful tonic, stimulant, and antiseptic +publications would be superfluous puffery. How much caution soever the +Faculty may recommend in prescribing alcohol in whatsoever form, they +are of unanimous opinion that nobody need hesitate to give or take any +quantity of _Punch_. + + * * * * * + + FAIR PLAY FOR LOOSHAI. + +THERE is one thing worth note in the manners (or want of manners) of our +present enemies the Looshai folk. The _Standard_ says that they delight +"in transposition of the component parts of the names of places and +chiefs. Thus, SOOK-PI-LAL is often converted into LAL-PI-SOOK. A similar +practice frequently prevails in British India; the lower class of +natives constantly substituting Nucklow for Lucknow." Call these people +savages! Why, they are as witty as most members of the Stock Exchange. +What higher flight can the latter generally attain than the feat of +calling "ROBINSON AND THOMSON" "TOBINSON AND ROMSON," or saying that +JONES lives at "Wampton Hick?" We hope that these Orientals will be +treated with as much consideration as may be. They are none so +uncivilised, as times go. Perhaps they like burlesques. + + * * * * * + + =Parallels for the People.= + +A BRIGHT idea is that of establishing "Public-houses without Drink." +Would it not be improved upon by the institution of Restaurants without +Meat? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIVIFYING TREATMENT OF A PARTNER. + +(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._) + +_Young Lady_ (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_). +"NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE +BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, +AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, +AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS, +AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. _NOW_ YOU MAY BEGIN +CONVERSATION." [_Utter Collapse of Partner._ ] + + * * * * * + + "COME ABOARD, SIR!" + + "COME aboard, Sir!" to the Captain + Says JOHN BRIGHT, A.B, + As he touches his tarpaulin, + Smart and sailorly. + And the watch look pleased as Punches, + Officers and men, + For A.B.'s like JOHN are always + Welcome back again! + + Over deck, and spars, and rigging + JOHN he slues his eye; + Gives a seaman's squint to leeward, + Scanning sea and sky; + At the binnacle he glances, + Notes the course she steers; + Nought on board or in the offing, + Scapes his eyes and ears. + + For the ship has seen hard weather, + And some people say; + CAPTAIN GLADSTONE ain't the man he + Was the other day: + And if you believe the croakers, + Officers and crew, + Don't pull with a will together, + As they used to do. + + Certain 'tis, since JOHN BRIGHT left her, + His sick leave to take, + The old craft, in last year's cruising, + Had an ugly shake. + Made poor day's-works, too much lee-way; + Badly fouled her screw: + Scraped her copper, if she didn't + Start a plate or two. + + Certain 'tis, with crew and captain, + Officers also, + Things don't go on quite as pleasant + As they used to go. + There's been some high-handed doings, + Some quite the reverse; + Some's took sick, and some's took sulky; + Some took soft, or worse. + + There's sea-lawyers--donkey-engines + Can't their slack haul in; + You may stop their grog, you'll never + Stop the yarns they spin: + There's your discontented beggars, + Nothing e'er can please; + There's your pennywise 'uns, nibbling + At the dips and cheese. + + There's your mutineers, for mischief + Ripe 'gainst flag and Crown; + Never pleased unless they're turning + 'Tween-decks upside down. + There's your Queen's bad bargains, shirking + Work, whoever strain: + Trimmers COX'S traverse working-- + "There and back again." + + Green-hands, as can't fudge a reckoning, + Of a watch in charge; + Looking after the _Britannia_, + And can't steer a barge! + For the Captain has his fancies-- + When he's picked a man + For a job, whoe'er can't do it, + _He's_ the chap as _can_. + + Anyway the ship's the better + By a good A.B., + Now JOHN BRIGHT is all a-taunto, + And come back to sea. + Be't to talk to the blue-jackets + Like a 'cute old salt; + Con the ship, or call the soundings, + Hide or slang a fault-- + + On the yardarm, big guns blowing, + Weather ear-ring take; + With bright yarns, to keep the watches + Spry and wide-awake; + So as to give cyclones the go-by, + Safest course to steer; + Canvas when to spread, when shorten, + With a lee-shore near-- + + No A.B. in the _Britannia_ + Better knows than JOHN: + Which let's hope that CAPTAIN G. will + Take his advice thereon. + Well we know that now JOHN'S buckled + To his work again, + 'Twill for officers be better, + And for ship and men! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OFF GREENWICH." + +JOHN BRIGHT. "COME ABOARD, SIR!" + +CAPTAIN GLADSTONE. "GLAD TO SEE YOU, JOHN. GLAD YOU'RE A.B. AGAIN. IF IT +COMES ON TO BLOW, WE MAY WANT YOUR ASSISTANCE."] + + + * * * * * + + CHRISTMAS BOXES FOR BEAUTY. + +A NOVEL kind of Christmas Box is suggested by a legend which _Mr. Punch_ +lately beheld in the window of a hair-dresser's shop--"Presents for +Christmas." It was posted in the midst of a variety of Chignons. A box +containing a quantity of false hair is the Christmas-Box thereby +presented to the imagination of the passer-by. But who would offer it to +a young lady? Such a present is equivalent to the gift of a wig. It is a +Christmas-Box or a New Year's Gift of a class in which may be included +several other articles of a similar description, but more useful, and +much more ornamental. For instance, you might give a friend in need, +personal and pecuniary, a Christmas-Box in the shape of a set of +artificial teeth, or the "Guinea Jaw" of our friend the Dentist, or a +glass eye, or a gutta-percha nose, or a wooden leg. + +Some of the "Presents for Christmas" above referred to were Chignons +which looked like horses' tails. Others of the Chignons for +Christmas-Boxes exhibited a remarkable resemblance to the tail of a +comet, from which eccentric luminary the idea of those prodigious +top-knots may possibly have been borrowed. Astronomy, along with +Geography and the Use of the Globes, has long formed a branch of female +education. An intelligent girl, fresh from boarding-school, if requested +to describe the _Coma Berenices_ might, or might not inform her +questioner that it was a celestial Chignon. + + * * * * * + + ="Our Wig!"= + +Among the names of possible candidates for the Speakership was that of +MR. SAMUEL WHITBREAD, Member for Bedford. He would be an excellent +Speaker, but, as matter of humanity, _Punch_ must have opposed this +selection. Imagine a triumph of the Anti-Liquor League, imagine the +success of a Bill for putting down Porter, and imagine a grandson of +WHITBREAD having to say "That this Bill do pass!" + + * * * * * + + =MY HEALTH.= + +[Illustration: H]OME we return from otter-hunting. Tired, but expecting +a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK." He is to be at dinner, and a few very intimates +are coming in the evening. The few "very intimates" have no distance to +drive--merely a matter of eight miles or so. + +From my window I hear carriages drawing up exactly at two minutes to +seven o'clock. Punctuality in Cornwall is the soul of pleasure. + +Odd: at the last moment I can't find either a collar or a white tie! +"Come, Desperation, lend thy furious hold!" Rummage in the drawers, in +the portmanteau. Staggered. Where can it be?--the collar, I mean. +Rummage again. Getting hot and excited. Ought always to come down to +dinner calm, cool, and collected. I shall be the only one late, and _I_ +hadn't to come twelve miles to dinner. No excuse except the real +one,--"Couldn't find my collars, or a tie." Only one thing for it. Ring +the bell, and ask servant. + +"O yes. Sir! We were changing the drawers from this room to Master's. I +dessay, Sir, they're in there." They are. Rapture! + +_Flash._--Stirring subject for operatic and descriptive music--A +Gentleman's Toilet in Difficulties. + +_Next Difficulty._--Drop a stud suddenly. Hear it fall close by my foot. +In fact, I feel, from some peculiar sensation _in_ my foot, that it is +here, on the floor, close to me. No. Hunt for it. Can't see it anywhere. +[_Mem._--Never travel without duplicate studs. Won't, another time.] +Still stooping: feeling about the carpet. Hands getting dirty again, +hair coming unbrushed, face growing warm and red. + +_Flash._--The stud being, as it were, an excrescence on the carpet, can +be perceived by lying on the floor, (like an Indian listening to hear if +anybody's coming,) and directing your eye in a right line. After this, +clothes-brush required. Stud found at last exactly where I thought it +had been at first. + +_Another Difficulty._--Time getting on. 7.10. PENDELL by this time +anxious below. Every one arrived. I picture to myself RUDDOCK in the +drawing-room, filling up the _mauvais quart d'heure_ by satirical +reflections on the dandy (me) who hadn't time enough to beautify himself +for dinner. + +I should be down now, if it wasn't for the button on my collar-band. I +feel that it's all over with it, if not touched gently. Once off, and +worry will be my portion for the remainder of the evening. And I know +what is the result of attempting to pin it. + +_Note._--"Curses not loud, but deep." Quotation adapted to +circumstances. + +_Last Difficulty, I hope._--After treating the button with suppressed +emotion, dash at the white tie. I find myself asking myself, "Why the +washerwoman _will_ fold it all wrong, and starch it so that the +slightest crinkle shows?" I have no answer. Of course at any other +moment I could tie it at once, and have done with it; but now first one +end's too long, then the other end's too short; then, on the third +trial, the middle part somehow gets hopelessly tucked into itself, and I +am pulling at it, by mistake, for one of the ends. At last I get it +something like all right, but not everything that could be desired. +Waistcoat. Coat. Handkerchief! Where's handkerchief? Where is--... ha! +Down-stairs. + +Everybody waiting, evidently. Apology. "Ah!" says PENDELL, "um--ah--now +you've come, we'll--um----" and rings the bell. + +I recognise some of our companions out otter-hunting to-day. Galaxy, +too, of Cornish beauty, which means the darkest, brightest eyes and the +clearest, freshest complexions. Not being introduced, I look about for +Old RUDDOCK. There is an elderly gentleman sitting at a table looking +over a photograph book. This is the nearest approach to Old RUDDOCK that +I can see. Dinner announced. I take in MISS BODD, of Popthlanack, and +follow the TRELISSACS, the TREGONIES of Tregivel, and MAJOR PENOLVER, +with MRS. SOMEBODY of Somewhere. Whom RUDDOCK takes, I don't know. + +_A Discovery._--I am seated next to Old RUDDOCK of Ruddock, at dinner. +PENDELL introduces us. A hale, hearty, elderly gentleman, with, if any +expression at all, rather a sleepy one, as if a very little over-feeding +would send him into a doze. + +Now then for a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AMBITION. + +_Mr. Tittups (suggesting impossible Bank to full-sized Nimrod)._ "DON'T +YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE IT HERE, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + + POETRY OF FACT. + +AT the festive season of the year particularly, people commonly complain +that the newspapers are dull. Unless in exceptional years, nothing +happens of which the narration is in anywise interesting, and the dearth +of news is generally so extreme that journalists are actually driven to +fill their columns with theological controversies. + +The dryness of grammatical details has been surmounted by the device of +putting them into metre, as in the _As in Prĉsenti_ and the _Propria quĉ +Maribus_ of the Eton Latin Grammar. Might not the contents of the +Journals, in like sort, be rendered somewhat less prosy than they +sometimes are by being versified? The telegrams would, perhaps, be +peculiarly susceptible of this treatment, whereunto they seem to lend +themselves in virtue of their characteristic conciseness, which it would +enhance. The electric wire on New Year's Day transmitted a certain +message from Rome. Here it is in the form of blank verse:-- + + The King to-day received the Ministers. + The Deputations Parliamentary, + The State's great Officers, the military + And the municipal authorities, + And other delegates. His MAJESTY + Thanks for congratulations did return + To those who tendered them, occasionally, + Upon the New Year's Day; and he expressed + His hope that, 'twixt the representative + Great bodies of the People and the State, + The concord, which the national unity + Doth to complete essentially conduce, + Would ever be maintained. + +The Court Circular could be rendered in heroic rhymes. As thus:-- + + The QUEEN walked in the Castle Grounds this morn; + The DUKE OF EDINBURGH, LOUISE, of Lorne + The Princess, and the Marquis with his bride, + For Town left Windsor after this noon-tide. + PRINCE ARTHUR, by SIR HOWARD ELPHINSTONE + Attended, went to Dover, too, anon. + Right Honourable GLADSTONE here has been + To-day, and had an audience of the QUEEN, + The Premier, after that, remained to lunch, + The dinner-party included _Mr. Punch_. + +Other intelligence, miscellaneous or special, could be couched in +lyrical measures. Take a specimen of a money article:-- + + The English funds, this blessèd day, + Have no fresh movement known, + Save of one-eighth a rise had they, + Which could not hold its own. + + Consols so little looked alive, + As quoted but to be + At ninety-two one half, to five-- + Eighths, for delivery. + + Excitement did the day throughout + The Railway Market thrill; + Shares have been briskly pushed about, + And prices risen still. + + A hundred thousand pounds in gold + Came, at the Bank, to hand, + And much for discount there, behold! + Increased was the demand. + +Police reports also could be embodied in song, as, for example:-- + + At Worship Street came PETER FAKE, a young thief, + Charged with stealing a watch, unto summary grief. + For three months, with hard labour, committed was he, + And well whipped, in addition, was ordered to be. + + The prisoner, on hearing his sentence, no doubt + More than he had expected, burst instantly out + In a howl, of a sort which description would mock; + In the midst of it he was removed from the dock. + +And so on. The suggestion above exemplified will perhaps be adopted by +some enterprising journalist, prepared to afford the necessary +remuneration to competent poets. In the event of another war, the +communications of Our Special Correspondent might fall naturally into +the form of an Epic, shaped and determined by the course of +circumstances. The title of a journal composed in verse might be, for +want of a better, _The Poetical News_. + + * * * * * + + THE SPEAKER. + +THE announcement that the present SPEAKER of the House of Commons is +about to take his well-earned pension and Peerage, and that the election +of a successor will be one of the first Acts of Parliament when it meets +in February, has occasioned much writing in newspapers and conversation +in the social circle, in competition with the Temple of Justice, Clubs +for Working-Men, the State of the Streets, and the "insobriety" which +accompanies the festive season. + +As some misconception appears to prevail regarding the SPEAKER'S exalted +office, especially amongst the young and gay, and in rural districts, +_Mr. Punch_, the best "Popular Educator" has (with the valuable +assistance of SIR ERSKINE MAY) compiled a few notes on the subject, +which in his leisure moments he hopes to be able to expand into a +voluminous treatise, worthy to take its place by the side of _Enfield's +Speaker_, or anybody else's. + +The office of Speaker is as old as the Saxon Wittenagemot, but the mace +now borne by the Serjeant-at-Arms is not the one which CROMWELL +impetuously called a "bauble." That interesting relic of a bye-gone age +is said to be in a private collection in the United States. + +The SPEAKER is in the Chair whenever the House is not in Committee. If +it be asked, when is the House in Committee, the answer is +simple--whenever the SPEAKER is not in the Chair. + +The young and the gay and the country population have been led astray by +the SPEAKER'S misleading title[A]--the fact being that the SPEAKER does +not speak, except on very rare occasions. + + A: _Lucus a non lucendo.--Sil. Ital. de Arbor._, XV., 1019. + +The SPEAKER hears all the speeches which are made during the time he is +in the Chair, _for he must never sleep while on duty_; but as most of +those who have filled the office have lived on, Session after Session, +we may hope that they did not consider themselves bound _always_ to +listen. Even, however, with this relaxation, the poor composition, the +defective grammar, the arid statistics, the threadbare quotations, the +hesitations, the repetitions, the bad delivery, the awkward action, the +wrong emphasis, MR. DENISON must have heard and seen through fifteen +long years, cannot but have caused him untold suffering. It seems almost +incredible that there should be any competition for the horrors of such +a post. + +The SPEAKER has a salary, a secretary, a chaplain, a counsel, a +residence, and an allowance for keeping the Mace in order. When he +retires, he has a peerage and a pension, and is allowed to take his Wig +and Gown and Chair away with him. + +The SPEAKER, although not one of the commoner sort, is the first +Commoner in the land. + +The SPEAKER is entitled to many privileges. He can show friends (not +exceeding four at a time) over both Houses of Parliament without an +order from the Lord Chamberlain; he can take books out of the Library on +leaving a small deposit; he can call a wherry and go on the river +whenever he pleases; every tenth cygnet born between Lambeth and London +Bridge is his by prescriptive right; and he is at liberty to charge the +Consolidated Fund with the cost of any refreshment he may require during +official hours, and with all cab fares to and from the House. + +The most terrible exercise of the Speaker's authority is when he "names" +a Member. The miserable man is committed to the Tower for life, and +allowed no book to read but _Hansard_; his estates are forfeited to the +Crown, and once a year, on the day when he committed the offence for +which he was "named," he is taken by the Constable of the Tower in a +tumbril to Westminster, to beg pardon of the SPEAKER and the House on +his knees. + +The SPEAKER may be either a bachelor, a married man, or a widower, but +he must be one of the three. + +If a new Member shows any eccentricity in his dress, manners, speech, or +general deportment, the SPEAKER asks him to tea, and quietly points out +to him the impropriety of which he has been guilty. + +At 2 A.M., at a moment's notice, without any opportunity of consulting +authorities, the SPEAKER may be called upon to state what was the +practice of the House in the reign of EDWARD THE THIRD, or to remember a +precedent established during the time SIR THOMAS MORE filled the office, +or to enforce a Standing Order coëval with the Long Parliament. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VINO MEMORIA. + +_Major Portsoken (a pretty constant Guest)._ "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS +ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!" + +_Scotch Butler._ "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUITY DIZZEN; AND +YE'VE HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!"] + + * * * * * + + BRAVO! BUMBLE. + + "At a meeting of the Bury Town Council this week, it was stated + that an address was about to be presented to Her Royal Highness + the PRINCESS LOUISE of Hesse, by way of a public appreciation of + her exertions on behalf of His Royal Highness the PRINCE OF + WALES. It was also stated that it was proposed to present a + cabinet, containing the photographic likenesses of those signing + the address--Sheriffs and other officers in their respective + uniforms, and Mayors of boroughs in their robes." + +A MORE interesting gallery of portraits it would be difficult to +imagine, especially, if, as the encouraging words, "and other officers" +incline us to hope may be the case, the macebearers, beadles, and +town-criers, with possibly a selection from the police, are included in +the cabinet. Perhaps it would not be advisable to admit Sheriffs' +officers. A fac-simile autograph underneath each photograph, with the +addition of the writer's usual formula of subscription--"Yours truly," +"Ever faithfully yours," &c.--would materially enhance the value of the +present. Everyone, who can appreciate good taste, in combination with +retiring modesty, must be struck with this, the latest outburst of +corporate zeal; and the impression such a delicate attention as the +offering of a cabinet containing the likenesses of some of the most +remarkable characters of their time, will produce upon foreign nations, +already full of admiration of our loyalty and envying us our Mayors, +cannot fail to be most gratifying to the nation's vanity. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE OFFICIAL CENSORSHIP OF PANTOMIME. + +_Policeman._ "I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED A QUIET PERFORMANCE; BUT TO BEGIN +INSULTIN' THE LAWR UNDER MY WERY EYES!--(_Waxing wroth_)--MOVE ON! OR +BLOW'D IF I DON'T RUN YER IN!"] + + * * * * * + + SURPRISING A CASTLE. + +THE least ancient and least interesting part of Warwick Castle has been +burned. Subscriptions are tendered in aid of a restoration. Question is +raised whether LORD WARWICK should accept these, lest the public should +consider that by subscribing it acquires a certain right in the Castle, +and that the Earl's legend will have a second meaning, when affixed over +the new buildings: _Vix ea nostra voco_. The suggestion is unworthy and +sordid. _Mr. Punch_ would like to see a vote of the Commons in aid of +the subscription for conserving about the noblest relic left to us. He +would be glad to say to the Earl, in LORD WARWICK'S own words in the +Temple Garden, after a certain rose-plucking, + + "This blot that they object against your House + Shall be wiped off in the next Parliament." + +The cool idea that giving a nobleman help to rebuild entitles one to +walk into his property, is concentrated cheekiness; and if castles are +capable of astonishment, _Mr. Punch_ would again quote W. S. to the +Earl, and say, "Your Castle _is_ surprised." + + * * * * * + + =Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!= + +WE have all been taught to tread the path of duty, but some of us seem +to have forgotten the lesson. May we entreat Commissioners, Boards, +Corporations, Vestries, Parochial Authorities, indeed, any responsible +and rate-levying body which has got into bad ways, to do their duty to +our paths; and if not this winter, perhaps the next--or, not to be too +exorbitant, the next after that--to keep the pavements and the roadways +passably clean? It would be a satisfaction to those of us who have +reached middle age to think that we may yet live to see the streets of +London, and other wealthy towns and cities, rather less lutulent than +country lanes and rural roads. When will the scavenger be abroad? + + * * * * * + + THE SICK MAN IN THE VATICAN. + + "It is stated that VICTOR EMMANUEL sent GENERAL PRALORMO to the + Vatican on New Year's Day to wish the POPE the compliments of + the season on behalf of His Majesty. On arriving there, he was + informed by CARDINAL ANTONELLI that the Holy Father was + indisposed, and could not, therefore, receive him personally. + The Cardinal undertook to deliver the compliments of the King, + and the General left. A few hours after, the POPE was completely + recovered, and held his usual receptions." + +THE faithful should congratulate the POPE upon his rapid, almost +miraculous recovery. From the moment the wicked King's emissary was out +of the precincts of the Vatican, the symptoms became more favourable, +and the Court physicians were released from their attendance. We notice, +only to dismiss it with scorn, an impression which appears to exist that +the Holy Father was "indisposed," in the primary sense of the word, as +worldly sovereigns have been before now; for it is not for an instant to +be supposed that a Cardinal would put forth, and a Pope sanction, any +excuse which was not in accordance with the strictest truth. + + * * * * * + + =Theological News.= + +HIS GRACE the DUKE OF SOMERSET, some time First Lord of the Admiralty, +has come out as a writer on theology. Needless to say that he is not +ceremonious in his treatment of eminent persons. He is by no means +complimentary to the Apostles. His teaching may be condensed into his +own motto, _Foi pour Devoir_, translated subtly. In these days everybody +seems ready to instruct us in religion--except the Bishops. + + * * * * * + + JUSTICE TO IRELAND. + +MOTTO FOR A BOTTLE OF POTHEEN.--"Oireland! with all thy faults I love +thy still." + + * * * * * + + =Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the + Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at + the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard + Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, + and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of + St. Bride, City of London.--SATURDAY, January 13, 1872.= + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the +speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next the text they illustrate. + +Illustrations with a single letter in their caption were sometimes used +in the original pages to serve as inital capital letters. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +62, Jan 13, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 38261-8.txt or 38261-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/2/6/38261/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Vol. 62. January 13, 1872.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +<!-- + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + +p {text-align: justify;} + +p.author {margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;} + +p.indent {text-indent: 1.5em;} blockquote {text-align: justify;} h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + +hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + +html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + +hr.full {width: 100%;} + +html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + +hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + +html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + +.note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;} + +.poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + +.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + +.figure {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; +margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figcenter {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; +margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figright {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; +margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figleft {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; +margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figure img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; +border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figcenter img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; +border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figright img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; +border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figleft img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; +border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figure p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figcenter p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figright p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figleft p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figure p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figright p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figleft p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter {margin: auto;} + +.figright {float: right;} + +.figleft {float: left;} + +span.ralign { + position: absolute; + right: 10%; + top: auto; +} + +--> + +</style> + +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, +Jan 13, 1872, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Jan 13, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 10, 2011 [EBook #38261] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page013" id="page013"></a>[pg 013]</span></p> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 62.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>January 13, 1872.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> <a href="images/013.png"><img width="100%" src="images/013.png" alt="" /></a> +<h2>A STRAIGHTFORWARD VIEW.</h2> + +<p><i>High Church Curate.</i> "<span class="smcap">And what do you Think, Mr. Simpson, about a +Clergyman's Turning to the East?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Literal Churchwarden.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, Sir, my Opinion is, that if the Clergyman +is Goodlookin', he don't want to Turn his Back to the Congregation!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>POKES IN PANTOMIMES.</h2> + +<p><i><span class="smcap">Non</span> omnia possumus omnes</i>; we are not all Popes, nor +should we be omnipotent even if we were infallible. The +<i>Daily News</i> is a journal of ability; but there is a certain +inconsistency, the cause of which it declares itself unable +to fathom:—</p> + +<blockquote> +"That all personal allusions to the private lives of individuals +should be eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed, +we sympathise with <span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span>, who, on hearing that <span class="smcap">Foote</span>, +the actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired +the price of a good thick stick; but why, in the name of +common sense, when caricatures of <span class="smcap">Mr. Gladstone</span> and <span class="smcap">Mr. +Lowe</span> weekly appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a +day passes without these gentlemen being attacked in print on +account of one or other of their public acts, every harmless joke +upon their official doings should be expunged from the pantomimes, +surpasses comprehension." +</blockquote> + +<p>Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in +theatres a place called the Gallery. This place is occupied +by a peculiar description of audience and spectators. +In the theatre, by physical position, they constitute +the higher orders, but in common talk are +contrariwise named. Of old, bloated aristocrats were +wont ironically to style them "the Gods." Enlightened +Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their +value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now +the People of the Gallery are not accustomed to read +humorous journals in which caricatures of the People's +<span class="smcap">William</span>, and the People's <span class="smcap">Robert</span>, appear weekly. If +they were, it would be necessary for the humorous +journals to be very careful in caricaturing those popular +Ministers, lest caricatures should endanger their popularity. +The People of the Gallery are our flesh and +blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take +jokes too seriously. If the <i>Clown</i> in a Pantomime were +to tread upon a match-box, and get blown up sky-high, +or if, assisted by the <i>Pantaloon</i>, he presented a working +man in an arsenal with a sack, these performances, to the +occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless jokes, +but the effect produced by them in the electoral way +would probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with +friends and relations of match-venders and dockyard +labourers.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Best Tonic.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as +alive as ever to the cheering effect of "good spirits" on +their patients.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PROBABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>, being thoroughly convinced +of the injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its +total abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he +undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be +voted.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Ayrton</span> is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to +being able to lecture <span class="smcap">Lord Elcho</span> and others on the subject, and +also to defend the action of the Government in resisting all attempts +to improve the National Gallery.</p> + +<p>In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, <span class="smcap">Mr. +Whalley</span>, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own +residence as an asylum for the <span class="smcap">Pope</span>, while exiled from his kingdom.</p> + +<p>It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat +the Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent +them from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds +occupied so long with one subject.</p> + +<p>It is considered almost certain that <span class="smcap">M. Thiers</span> will seize a very +early opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of +the <span class="smcap">Comte de Paris</span> or of <span class="smcap">M. Gambetta</span>.</p> + +<p>The game slaughtered at the <i>battues</i> of eleven noble sportsmen +(all members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed +among the East-End poor.</p> + +<p>It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the +provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced +this season, without containing any humorous allusion to "the +Claimant."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Gladstone</span> has received one hundred and twelve letters, from +Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for +a confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother +embraced the Jewish faith.</p> + +<p>More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have withdrawn +their names this season, and have transferred their subscriptions +to the Humane Society.</p> + +<p>Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government +are: (1) a Bill for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers; +(2) a Bill to Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty +Weather; and (3) a Bill to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the +Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse.</p> + +<p>The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in +political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief +command of the vessel of the State.</p> + +<p>It is considered highly probable that, following the good example +of some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the +very highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with +little placards of "<span class="smcap">No Fees</span>!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>JUST A HINT.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Is</span> there not a bit of <span class="smcap">Sydney Smith's</span>, wherein that divine, describing +a Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that <span class="smcap">Sawney</span> +betook himself to the heather, and, having scratched himself with +one hand, and cast up an account with the other, suddenly waxed +furious, and drew his sword? We hope that certain Transatlantic +friends of ours will not bring in so tremendous a bill against us, as +to make it cheaper for us to fight than to pay. For we love them +very much, but we are obliged to be awfully economical in these +Gladstonian days.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Mathematical Intelligence.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a +circle. Yet <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span> Junior says that, though he is only twelve +years old, he will back himself on any given morning to get round a +square.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page014" id="page014"></a>[pg 014]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> <a href="images/014.png"><img width="100%" src="images/014.png" alt="" /></a> +<h2>——"<span class="smcap">We are such Stuff +As Dreams are made of</span>——"</h2> + +<p class="author"><i>Tempest.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EVENINGS FROM HOME.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> next place of Amusement to which <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> took his two +young pupils was the <span class="smcap">Strand Theatre</span>. Here they saw <i>Arion, or the +Story of a Lyre</i>, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, +played by <span class="smcap">Messrs. Paulton</span> and <span class="smcap">Terry</span>, whose duet of "<i>Walk Up +and See my Show</i>," they so vehemently applauded as to draw forth +a reproof from their worthy preceptor, who, however, on observing +that these comedians seemed to be possessed of an inexhaustible +stock of fresh verses applicable to the circumstances of the times, +was induced to join <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> and <span class="smcap">Harry</span> in the commendations +which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon this +portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both +<span class="smcap">Tommy</span> and <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, neither of whom had up to this time ever +evinced any musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs +they had heard at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their +praiseworthy endeavours on receiving <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow's</span> promise that +he would take them again to witness the same piece, if <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> +(whose father, being a very wealthy man, had recently bestowed +upon his son a handsome Christmas gratuity) would pay for three +stalls, or at least three places, in the Dress Circle.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>On the following night they went to the <span class="smcap">Princess's</span>, to see <span class="smcap">Mr. +Watts Phillips's</span> play of <i>On the Jury</i>, followed by a Pantomime +called <i>Little Dicky Dilver</i>.</p> + +<p>At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their +overcoats and hats; and <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, upon whom his tutor's example, +on the occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, +expressed his gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate +manner.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tommy</span> now discovered a further opportunity of making himself +acquainted with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set +himself diligently to learn.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> At this theatre you will behold a constellation of +talent.</p> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i> But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"?</p> + +<p>"Persons," answered <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, "have observed certain stars +remarkable either for their brightness or position, or both. These +stars, joined together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have +three Stars—<span class="smcap">Mr. Webster</span>, <span class="smcap">Mr. Phelps</span>, and <span class="smcap">Miss Furtado</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i> Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their +brightness or position."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make +you acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars +in London.</p> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i> Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use +is it to know the Stars?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> There are some, and those very important, uses to +be derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, do you +tell <span class="smcap">Master Merton</span> the story of <i>The Free Admission and the +Grateful Turk</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harry</span> was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn +up, disclosed to them the First Scene of <i>On the Jury</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> This would indeed be a very good piece, but for +faulty construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic +situations, it has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. +You have been silent, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, for some time.</p> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i> Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted; +and as for one of your Stars, <span class="smcap">Miss Furtado</span>,—Dear Heart! I protest +I could watch her every evening with the greatest delight.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> +in his usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the +example of the poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation.</p> + +<p>"What is that, Sir?" inquired <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>.</p> + +<p>"They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," +said <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, "that they never give way to the sudden impulses +of passion so common among Europeans. And see, you have +split your new white kid gloves in applauding this young lady." +Then turning to <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, he asked him if he had not been touched +by the acting of <span class="smcap">Mr. Webster</span> in this piece.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. <i>Mr. Tibbetts</i> +was a hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have +played more admirably than the gentleman who took the part of +<i>Dexter Sanderson, Esq.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> You mean <span class="smcap">Mr. Phelps</span>, and you are right. It is +indeed a fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and +yet such a thorough finish, in this performance, that it would be +worth the while of many of our younger actors (who flatter themselves +on their consummate art, in consequence of having been +unduly praised for their few achievements) to come here and take +a lesson from <span class="smcap">Mr. Phelps</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should +be wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, +and its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last +Act. He further complained that it should be thought necessary to +commence it at seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this +ought to be, with a Pantomime.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Tommy</span> and <span class="smcap">Harry</span> were not, however, of his mind upon this +point, and insisted upon stopping to see the <i>Clown</i>. They were +somewhat disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themselves +prodigiously delighted with <span class="smcap">Mr. Lloyd's</span> scenery.</p> + +<p>On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overcoats, +wrappers, and hats. <span class="smcap">Tommy's</span> little heart was much affected +by this kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured +its contents (four bright new farthings and three peppermint +lozenges) into the honest fellow's hand, saying, "Here, my good +man, take this, and Heaven bless you!" It is impossible to express +the surprise of the poor man at the sight. He stared wildly round +him, and would have fallen but for the tender support of his assistant, +who imagined that his companion had lost his senses. But the +man cried out, "O, <span class="smcap">William</span>, I am not mad! See what Providence +has sent us by the hands of this little angel!" Saying this, he held +up the money and the lozenges. But <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> went up to them both, +and said, "My good friends, you are very welcome to this: I freely +give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, +give them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves +in your leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were +totally unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their +tears, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> was out of sight, having followed <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> and +<span class="smcap">Harry</span> to the door.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> now took <span class="smcap">Master Tommy</span> and <span class="smcap">Harry</span> to <span class="smcap">Evans's</span> +Supper Rooms, to enter which place they had to pay a shilling +apiece. This troubled their worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was +painfully struck, as he informed his young friends, by the altered +aspect of the interior. <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> explained to them that in <i>his</i> +time the room was snug, cosy, and comfortable, and only one quarter +of its present size. That <i>then</i> there were neither carpet nor tavern-like +mirrors. "True," said <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, "that all that was +objectionable in the entertainment of former days has long ere this +disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the "opposite +sex," in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit invisible, and +listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, +"you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, +who would call <span class="smcap">John</span> to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page015" id="page015"></a>[pg 015]</span> +once, and give the order himself, returning to see if you +were comfortably served. Then the waiters flew, and +to command was to have. Now, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, observe I +have spoken to these waiters, and have ordered my +supper more than twenty minutes since, and it has +not appeared. See <span class="smcap">Mr. Green</span> himself" (the veteran +here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear +boys, <span class="smcap">Masters Sandford</span> and <span class="smcap">Merton</span>, wandered away +to another part of the room), "he is no longer Proprietor; +he is only nominally in authority, his occupation +is, in effect, gone; he is the only connecting link +between the past and present <span class="smcap">Evans's</span>, 'retained,' to +quote his own immortal line about the lamented <span class="smcap">Von +Joel</span>, 'on the establishment, in consequence of his long +services.'"</p> + +<p>So affected were both <span class="smcap">Harry</span> and <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> by <span class="smcap">Mr. +Barlow's</span> discourse that they begged to be allowed to +quit a place which only aroused so much sadness in the +breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving, +<span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> paid a shilling for some refreshment which +he had taken, whereupon the waiter begged to be +remembered, which <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, being blessed with a +good memory, willingly consented to do. But the +waiter candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle +for his trouble, <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> could not refrain from +expostulating with the honest fellow on the absurdity +of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the +old and palmy days of <span class="smcap">Evans's</span> there was no charge +for admission, and the attention bestowed on visitors +being admirable, it was a pleasure to bestow some +gratuity upon the attendants, which was always +received by the money collector at the door with a +grateful "I thank you, Sir. Good night, Sir."</p> + +<p>While <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span> was thus addressing <span class="smcap">Masters +Harry</span> and <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, the waiter was summoned to a distant +quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended the +steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent +Garden.</p> + +<p>"Farewell, <span class="smcap">Evans's</span>!" said <span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, sadly; "I +know not that I shall darken thy doors again!"</p> + +<p>"What you were saying, Sir," observed <span class="smcap">Harry</span> on +their reaching their lodgings, "reminds me of the story +of <i>Tigranes and the Amphibious Black</i>."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Barlow.</i> I do not think <span class="smcap">Tommy Merton</span> has +heard it.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, you must know, <span class="smcap">Master Tommy</span>——</p> + +<p>But <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> had gone straight up-stairs to bed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Barlow</span>, who knew the story by heart, having, +indeed, himself told it to <span class="smcap">Master Harry</span>, then took +his candle, and wishing <span class="smcap">Harry</span> a very good night, +retired.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>VIĈ ANTIQUĈ.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is pleasant to make honourable mention, in <i>Mr. +Punch's</i> columns, of anything bearing the name of +<span class="smcap">Jerrold</span>. The latest appearance of this name is in +conjunction with that of <span class="smcap">Gustave Doré</span>—a household +word. Two artists have been making a pilgrimage +through London together, and each, with his own implement, +is recording his experiences, the result to be a +beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen has +appeared. <i>Mr. Punch</i> is glad to welcome a new +memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as that +city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the +parts most likely to attract the eye of <span class="smcap">M. Doré</span>, that it +will soon be all as colourless as a Boulevard or Regent +Street. If <span class="smcap">Mr. Jerrold</span> will show <span class="smcap">M. Doré</span> anything +that shall call out the power lavished on the houses in +the pictures to a certain book of <i>Contes</i>, the two will +do the good deed of apprising posterity that London was +the production of architects, and not of excessively +respectable contractors for building purposes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Royal Clemency.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> have heard, with gratification, that the remainder +of the sentence on <span class="smcap">John Poyntz Spencer</span>, who was sent +to Ireland in 1868, and who has since been immured in +Dublin Castle, is likely to be remitted. His admirable +conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and +his return will be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that +he has amply expiated the political offence of being a +Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an honourable +future is in store for him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SANITARY SERMONS.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> <a href="images/015.png"><img width="100%" src="images/015.png" alt="M" /></a></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">ost</span> of our contemporaries +have lately improved an +alarming occasion with +many monitory observations +on typhoid fever. +The whole of these, however, +reducible into a few +words, may be pretty +well summed up in the +caution,—Look to your +drains. In addition, <i>Dr. +Punch</i> begs to offer a +piece of advice <i>gratis</i> to +all persons in possession +of his universal remedy, +price 3<i>d.</i>, 4<i>d.</i> stamped, +to counterfeit which is +piracy. Look to yourselves.</p> + +<p>Pestiferous as is the +atmosphere of sewers, not +only do rats live, but +labourers work in it, the +former wholly, the latter +for most part with impunity. +The rodents get +acclimatised, unless it be +that instinct impels them +to take some sort of vegetable +or other preventive +of zymotic and mephitic +diseases. As for the +working-men, they smoke +pipes of tobacco almost +to a man, and as generally +prescribe for and administer +to themselves +alcohol in some one or other of its forms, commonly that of something short, +which, if asked to give it a name, we will call gin, or euphemistically, Old Tom, +not to say, dyslogistically, blue ruin, for the useless sake of pleasing the United +Kingdom Alliance; those conspirators against the potatory liberty of the subject +who hate us youth, and specially abhor <i>Punch</i>. The gin-drinking, +prevalent among the population of the slums, comes of a sense which is +medicinal, and the medicine would, in effect, be altogether salutary but for the +tendency of people to take it in over-doses.</p> + +<p>Everybody knows how continually medical men are exposed to all manner of +contagion, and how very seldom they catch any disease. They, it is true, are +not in the habit of asking particularly for gin on coming out of a sick-room: +but they are accustomed to take, or do, whatsoever may be requisite to maintain +the bodily conditions which resist or expel poisonous or morbid effluvia.</p> + +<p>Look to your drains, by all means; but look also to the natural gates and +alleys of the body—keep them clear, and permeable, and pervious. By what +means? Therein the patient may minister to himself if he can, or else should +inquire of his doctor, who will let him know. There is, however, a popular +panacea which he will find invariably efficacious. The prophylactic as well as +therapeutic virtues of <i>Punch</i>, of <i>Punch's Pocket-Book</i>, and <i>Punch's Almanack</i>, +are so universally known and so deservedly celebrated that any recommendation +beyond the merest reference to those powerful tonic, stimulant, and antiseptic +publications would be superfluous puffery. How much caution soever the +Faculty may recommend in prescribing alcohol in whatsoever form, they are of +unanimous opinion that nobody need hesitate to give or take any quantity of +<i>Punch</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>FAIR PLAY FOR LOOSHAI.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is one thing worth note in the manners (or want of manners) of our +present enemies the Looshai folk. The <i>Standard</i> says that they delight "in +transposition of the component parts of the names of places and chiefs. Thus, +<span class="smcap">Sook-pi-Lal</span> is often converted into <span class="smcap">Lal-pi-Sook</span>. A similar practice frequently +prevails in British India; the lower class of natives constantly substituting +Nucklow for Lucknow." Call these people savages! Why, they are as +witty as most members of the Stock Exchange. What higher flight can the +latter generally attain than the feat of calling "<span class="smcap">Robinson and Thomson</span>" +"<span class="smcap">Tobinson and Romson</span>," or saying that <span class="smcap">Jones</span> lives at "Wampton Hick?" +We hope that these Orientals will be treated with as much consideration as may +be. They are none so uncivilised, as times go. Perhaps they like burlesques.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Parallels for the People.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">A BRIGHT</span> idea is that of establishing "Public-houses without Drink." +Would it not be improved upon by the institution of Restaurants without +Meat?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page016" id="page016"></a>[pg 016]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <img width="100%" src="images/016.png" alt="" /> + +<h2>VIVIFYING TREATMENT OF A PARTNER.</h2> + +<p>(<i>A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Young Lady</i> (<i>to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places</i>). "<span class="smcap">Now——I've been to Fountains Abbey, and to Bolton, and +I've seen the Brimham Rocks, and the Dropping Well, and the View from the Observatory, and we had a Morning in +York Minster, and we have been here a Fortnight, and we are going to Stay another, and Papa takes the Chalybeate +Waters, and I am very Glad the Cavalry are coming. <i>Now</i> you may begin Conversation.</span>" <span class="ralign">[<i>Utter Collapse of Partner.</i></span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"COME ABOARD, SIR!"</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"<span class="smcap">Come</span> aboard, Sir!" to the Captain</p> +<p class="i2">Says <span class="smcap">John Bright</span>, A.B,</p> +<p>As he touches his tarpaulin,</p> +<p class="i2">Smart and sailorly.</p> +<p>And the watch look pleased as Punches,</p> +<p class="i2">Officers and men,</p> +<p>For A.B.'s like <span class="smcap">John</span> are always</p> +<p class="i2">Welcome back again!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Over deck, and spars, and rigging</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">John</span> he slues his eye;</p> +<p>Gives a seaman's squint to leeward,</p> +<p class="i2">Scanning sea and sky;</p> +<p>At the binnacle he glances,</p> +<p class="i2">Notes the course she steers;</p> +<p>Nought on board or in the offing,</p> +<p class="i2">Scapes his eyes and ears.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For the ship has seen hard weather,</p> +<p class="i2">And some people say; +<span class="smcap">Captain Gladstone</span> ain't the man he</p> +<p class="i2">Was the other day:</p> +<p>And if you believe the croakers,</p> +<p class="i2">Officers and crew,</p> +<p>Don't pull with a will together,</p> +<p class="i2">As they used to do.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Certain 'tis, since <span class="smcap">John Bright</span> left her,</p> +<p class="i2">His sick leave to take,</p> +<p>The old craft, in last year's cruising,</p> +<p class="i2">Had an ugly shake.</p> +<p>Made poor day's-works, too much lee-way;</p> +<p class="i2">Badly fouled her screw:</p> +<p>Scraped her copper, if she didn't</p> +<p class="i2">Start a plate or two.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Certain 'tis, with crew and captain,</p> +<p class="i2">Officers also,</p> +<p>Things don't go on quite as pleasant</p> +<p class="i2">As they used to go.</p> +<p>There's been some high-handed doings,</p> +<p class="i2">Some quite the reverse;</p> +<p>Some's took sick, and some's took sulky;</p> +<p class="i2">Some took soft, or worse.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There's sea-lawyers—donkey-engines</p> +<p class="i2">Can't their slack haul in;</p> +<p>You may stop their grog, you'll never</p> +<p class="i2">Stop the yarns they spin:</p> +<p>There's your discontented beggars,</p> +<p class="i2">Nothing e'er can please;</p> +<p>There's your pennywise 'uns, nibbling</p> +<p class="i2">At the dips and cheese.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There's your mutineers, for mischief</p> +<p class="i2">Ripe 'gainst flag and Crown;</p> +<p>Never pleased unless they're turning</p> +<p class="i2">'Tween-decks upside down.</p> +<p>There's your Queen's bad bargains, shirking</p> +<p class="i2">Work, whoever strain:</p> +<p>Trimmers <span class="smcap">Cox's</span> traverse working—</p> +<p class="i2">"There and back again."</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Green-hands, as can't fudge a reckoning,</p> +<p class="i2">Of a watch in charge;</p> +<p>Looking after the <i>Britannia</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">And can't steer a barge!</p> +<p>For the Captain has his fancies—</p> +<p class="i2">When he's picked a man</p> +<p>For a job, whoe'er can't do it,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>He's</i> the chap as <i>can</i>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Anyway the ship's the better</p> +<p class="i2">By a good A.B.,</p> +<p>Now <span class="smcap">John Bright</span> is all a-taunto,</p> +<p class="i2">And come back to sea.</p> +<p>Be't to talk to the blue-jackets</p> +<p class="i2">Like a 'cute old salt;</p> +<p>Con the ship, or call the soundings,</p> +<p class="i2">Hide or slang a fault—</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>On the yardarm, big guns blowing,</p> +<p class="i2">Weather ear-ring take;</p> +<p>With bright yarns, to keep the watches</p> +<p class="i2">Spry and wide-awake;</p> +<p>So as to give cyclones the go-by,</p> +<p class="i2">Safest course to steer;</p> +<p>Canvas when to spread, when shorten,</p> +<p class="i2">With a lee-shore near—</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No A.B. in the <i>Britannia</i></p> +<p class="i2">Better knows than <span class="smcap">John</span>:</p> +<p>Which let's hope that <span class="smcap">Captain G.</span> will</p> +<p class="i2">Take his advice thereon.</p> +<p>Well we know that now <span class="smcap">John's</span> buckled</p> +<p class="i2">To his work again,</p> +<p>'Twill for officers be better,</p> +<p class="i2">And for ship and men!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page017" id="page017"></a>[pg 017]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <img width="100%" src="images/017.png" alt="" /> +<h2>"OFF GREENWICH."</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">John Bright.</span> "COME ABOARD, SIR!"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Captain Gladstone.</span> "GLAD TO SEE YOU, JOHN. GLAD YOU'RE A.B. AGAIN. IF IT COMES ON TO BLOW, +WE MAY WANT YOUR ASSISTANCE."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page019" id="page019"></a>[pg 019]</span></p> + +<h2>CHRISTMAS BOXES FOR BEAUTY.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">A novel</span> kind of Christmas Box is suggested +by a legend which <i>Mr. Punch</i> lately beheld +in the window of a hair-dresser's shop—"Presents +for Christmas." It was posted in +the midst of a variety of Chignons. A box +containing a quantity of false hair is the +Christmas-Box thereby presented to the imagination +of the passer-by. But who would offer +it to a young lady? Such a present is equivalent +to the gift of a wig. It is a Christmas-Box +or a New Year's Gift of a class in which +may be included several other articles of a +similar description, but more useful, and much +more ornamental. For instance, you might +give a friend in need, personal and pecuniary, +a Christmas-Box in the shape of a set of +artificial teeth, or the "Guinea Jaw" of our +friend the Dentist, or a glass eye, or a gutta-percha +nose, or a wooden leg.</p> + +<p>Some of the "Presents for Christmas" above +referred to were Chignons which looked like +horses' tails. Others of the Chignons for +Christmas-Boxes exhibited a remarkable resemblance +to the tail of a comet, from which +eccentric luminary the idea of those prodigious +top-knots may possibly have been +borrowed. Astronomy, along with Geography +and the Use of the Globes, has long formed a +branch of female education. An intelligent +girl, fresh from boarding-school, if requested +to describe the <i>Coma Berenices</i> might, or +might not inform her questioner that it was a +celestial Chignon.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"Our Wig!"</h2> + +<p>Among the names of possible candidates for +the Speakership was that of <span class="smcap">Mr. Samuel +Whitbread</span>, Member for Bedford. He would +be an excellent Speaker, but, as matter of +humanity, <i>Punch</i> must have opposed this selection. +Imagine a triumph of the Anti-Liquor +League, imagine the success of a Bill for +putting down Porter, and imagine a grandson +of <span class="smcap">Whitbread</span> having to say "That this Bill +do pass!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MY HEALTH.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:40%;"> <a href="images/019.png"><img width="100%" src="images/019.png" alt="H" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">ome</span> we return from +otter-hunting. Tired, +but expecting a +"Nicht wi' <span class="smcap">Ruddock</span>." +He is to be +at dinner, and a few +very intimates are +coming in the evening. +The few "very +intimates" have no +distance to drive—merely +a matter of +eight miles or so.</p> + +<p>From my window +I hear carriages drawing +up exactly at two +minutes to seven +o'clock. Punctuality +in Cornwall is the soul +of pleasure.</p> + +<p>Odd: at the last +moment I can't find +either a collar or a +white tie! "Come, +Desperation, lend thy +furious hold!" Rummage +in the drawers, +in the portmanteau. +Staggered. Where +can it be?—the collar, +I mean. Rummage +again. Getting hot +and excited. Ought +always to come down +to dinner calm, cool, +and collected. I shall +be the only one late, +and <i>I</i> hadn't to come +twelve miles to +dinner. No excuse except the real one,—"Couldn't find my collars, or a tie." Only one +thing for it. Ring the bell, and ask servant.</p> + +<p>"O yes. Sir! We were changing the drawers from this room to Master's. I dessay, +Sir, they're in there." They are. Rapture!</p> + +<p><i>Flash.</i>—Stirring subject for operatic and descriptive music—A Gentleman's Toilet +in Difficulties.</p> + +<p><i>Next Difficulty.</i>—Drop a stud suddenly. Hear it fall close by my foot. In fact, I feel, +from some peculiar sensation <i>in</i> my foot, that it is here, on the floor, close to me. No. +Hunt for it. Can't see it anywhere. [<i>Mem.</i>—Never travel without duplicate studs. +Won't, another time.] Still stooping: feeling about the carpet. Hands getting dirty +again, hair coming unbrushed, face growing warm and red.</p> + +<p><i>Flash.</i>—The stud being, as it were, an excrescence on the carpet, can be perceived by +lying on the floor, (like an Indian listening to hear if anybody's coming,) and directing +your eye in a right line. After this, clothes-brush required. Stud found at last +exactly where I thought it had been at first.</p> + +<p><i>Another Difficulty.</i>—Time getting on. 7.10. <span class="smcap">Pendell</span> by this time anxious below. +Every one arrived. I picture to myself <span class="smcap">Ruddock</span> in the drawing-room, filling +up the <i>mauvais quart d'heure</i> by satirical reflections on the dandy (me) who hadn't +time enough to beautify himself for dinner.</p> + +<p>I should be down now, if it wasn't for the button on my collar-band. I feel that +it's all over with it, if not touched gently. Once off, and worry will be my portion for +the remainder of the evening. And I know what is the result of attempting to pin it.</p> + +<p><i>Note.</i>—"Curses not loud, but deep." Quotation adapted to circumstances.</p> + +<p><i>Last Difficulty, I hope.</i>—After treating the button with suppressed emotion, dash +at the white tie. I find myself asking myself, "Why the washerwoman <i>will</i> fold it all +wrong, and starch it so that the slightest crinkle shows?" I have no answer. Of course +at any other moment I could tie it at once, and have done with it; but now first one +end's too long, then the other end's too short; then, on the third trial, the middle part +somehow gets hopelessly tucked into itself, and I am pulling at it, by mistake, for one +of the ends. At last I get it something like all right, but not everything that +could be desired. Waistcoat. Coat. Handkerchief! Where's handkerchief? Where +is—... ha! Down-stairs.</p> + +<p>Everybody waiting, evidently. Apology. "Ah!" says <span class="smcap">Pendell</span>, "um—ah—now +you've come, we'll—um——" and rings the bell.</p> + +<p>I recognise some of our companions out otter-hunting to-day. Galaxy, too, of +Cornish beauty, which means the darkest, brightest eyes and the clearest, freshest complexions. +Not being introduced, I look about for Old <span class="smcap">Ruddock</span>. There is an elderly +gentleman sitting at a table looking over a photograph book. This is the nearest +approach to Old <span class="smcap">Ruddock</span> that I can see. Dinner announced. I take in <span class="smcap">Miss Bodd</span>, of +Popthlanack, and follow the <span class="smcap">Trelissacs</span>, the <span class="smcap">Tregonies</span> of Tregivel, and <span class="smcap">Major +Penolver</span>, with <span class="smcap">Mrs. Somebody</span> of Somewhere. Whom <span class="smcap">Ruddock</span> takes, I don't know.</p> + +<p><i>A Discovery.</i>—I am seated next to Old <span class="smcap">Ruddock</span> of Ruddock, at dinner. <span class="smcap">Pendell</span> +introduces us. A hale, hearty, elderly gentleman, with, if any expression at all, rather +a sleepy one, as if a very little over-feeding would send him into a doze.</p> + +<p>Now then for a "Nicht wi' <span class="smcap">Ruddock</span>!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page020" id="page020"></a>[pg 020]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <img width="100%" src="images/020.png" alt="" /><h2>AMBITION.</h2> + +<p><i>Mr. Tittups (suggesting impossible Bank to full-sized Nimrod).</i> "<span class="smcap">Don't you Think we could have it here, Sir?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>POETRY OF FACT.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the festive season of the year particularly, people commonly +complain that the newspapers are dull. Unless in exceptional years, +nothing happens of which the narration is in anywise interesting, +and the dearth of news is generally so extreme that journalists are +actually driven to fill their columns with theological controversies.</p> + +<p>The dryness of grammatical details has been surmounted by the +device of putting them into metre, as in the <i>As in Prĉsenti</i> and the +<i>Propria quĉ Maribus</i> of the Eton Latin Grammar. Might not the +contents of the Journals, in like sort, be rendered somewhat less +prosy than they sometimes are by being versified? The telegrams +would, perhaps, be peculiarly susceptible of this treatment, whereunto +they seem to lend themselves in virtue of their characteristic +conciseness, which it would enhance. The electric wire on New +Year's Day transmitted a certain message from Rome. Here it is in +the form of blank verse:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The King to-day received the Ministers.</p> +<p>The Deputations Parliamentary,</p> +<p>The State's great Officers, the military</p> +<p>And the municipal authorities,</p> +<p>And other delegates. His <span class="smcap">Majesty</span></p> +<p>Thanks for congratulations did return</p> +<p>To those who tendered them, occasionally,</p> +<p>Upon the New Year's Day; and he expressed</p> +<p>His hope that, 'twixt the representative</p> +<p>Great bodies of the People and the State,</p> +<p>The concord, which the national unity</p> +<p>Doth to complete essentially conduce,</p> +<p>Would ever be maintained.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The Court Circular could be rendered in heroic rhymes. As thus:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The <span class="smcap">Queen</span> walked in the Castle Grounds this morn;</p> +<p>The <span class="smcap">Duke of Edinburgh</span>, <span class="smcap">Louise</span>, of Lorne</p> +<p>The Princess, and the Marquis with his bride,</p> +<p>For Town left Windsor after this noon-tide.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Prince Arthur</span>, by <span class="smcap">Sir Howard Elphinstone</span></p> +<p>Attended, went to Dover, too, anon.</p> +<p>Right Honourable <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> here has been</p> +<p>To-day, and had an audience of the <span class="smcap">Queen</span>,</p> +<p>The Premier, after that, remained to lunch,</p> +<p>The dinner-party included <i>Mr. Punch</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Other intelligence, miscellaneous or special, could be couched in +lyrical measures. Take a specimen of a money article:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The English funds, this blessèd day,</p> +<p class="i2">Have no fresh movement known,</p> +<p>Save of one-eighth a rise had they,</p> +<p class="i2">Which could not hold its own.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Consols so little looked alive,</p> +<p class="i2">As quoted but to be</p> +<p>At ninety-two one half, to five—</p> +<p class="i2">Eighths, for delivery.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Excitement did the day throughout</p> +<p class="i2">The Railway Market thrill;</p> +<p>Shares have been briskly pushed about,</p> +<p class="i2">And prices risen still.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A hundred thousand pounds in gold</p> +<p class="i2">Came, at the Bank, to hand,</p> +<p>And much for discount there, behold!</p> +<p class="i2">Increased was the demand.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Police reports also could be embodied in song, as, for example:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At Worship Street came <span class="smcap">Peter Fake</span>, a young thief,</p> +<p>Charged with stealing a watch, unto summary grief.</p> +<p>For three months, with hard labour, committed was he,</p> +<p>And well whipped, in addition, was ordered to be.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The prisoner, on hearing his sentence, no doubt</p> +<p>More than he had expected, burst instantly out</p> +<p>In a howl, of a sort which description would mock;</p> +<p>In the midst of it he was removed from the dock.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>And so on. The suggestion above exemplified will perhaps be +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page021" id="page021"></a>[pg 021]</span> +adopted by some enterprising journalist, prepared to +afford the necessary remuneration to competent poets. +In the event of another war, the communications of Our +Special Correspondent might fall naturally into the form +of an Epic, shaped and determined by the course of +circumstances. The title of a journal composed in verse +might be, for want of a better, <i>The Poetical News</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SPEAKER.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> announcement that the present <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> of the +House of Commons is about to take his well-earned +pension and Peerage, and that the election of a successor +will be one of the first Acts of Parliament when +it meets in February, has occasioned much writing in +newspapers and conversation in the social circle, in +competition with the Temple of Justice, Clubs for +Working-Men, the State of the Streets, and the "insobriety" +which accompanies the festive season.</p> + +<p>As some misconception appears to prevail regarding the +<span class="smcap">Speaker's</span> exalted office, especially amongst the young +and gay, and in rural districts, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, the best +"Popular Educator" has (with the valuable assistance of +<span class="smcap">Sir Erskine May</span>) compiled a few notes on the subject, +which in his leisure moments he hopes to be able to +expand into a voluminous treatise, worthy to take its +place by the side of <i>Enfield's Speaker</i>, or anybody +else's.</p> + +<p>The office of Speaker is as old as the Saxon Wittenagemot, +but the mace now borne by the Serjeant-at-Arms +is not the one which <span class="smcap">Cromwell</span> impetuously +called a "bauble." That interesting relic of a bye-gone +age is said to be in a private collection in the United +States.</p> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> is in the Chair whenever the House is +not in Committee. If it be asked, when is the House +in Committee, the answer is simple—whenever the +<span class="smcap">Speaker</span> is not in the Chair.</p> + +<p>The young and the gay and the country population +have been led astray by the <span class="smcap">Speaker's</span> misleading title[A]—the +fact being that the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> does not speak, except +on very rare occasions.</p> + +<p class="note">[A] <i>Lucus a non lucendo.—Sil. Ital. de Arbor.</i>, <span class="smcap">xv.</span>, 1019.</p> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> hears all the speeches which are made +during the time he is in the Chair, <i>for he must never +sleep while on duty</i>; but as most of those who have filled +the office have lived on, Session after Session, we may +hope that they did not consider themselves bound +<i>always</i> to listen. Even, however, with this relaxation, +the poor composition, the defective grammar, the arid +statistics, the threadbare quotations, the hesitations, the +repetitions, the bad delivery, the awkward action, the +wrong emphasis, <span class="smcap">Mr. Denison</span> must have heard and +seen through fifteen long years, cannot but have caused +him untold suffering. It seems almost incredible that +there should be any competition for the horrors of such +a post.</p> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> has a salary, a secretary, a chaplain, +a counsel, a residence, and an allowance for keeping the +Mace in order. When he retires, he has a peerage and +a pension, and is allowed to take his Wig and Gown +and Chair away with him.</p> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>, although not one of the commoner sort, +is the first Commoner in the land.</p> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> is entitled to many privileges. He can +show friends (not exceeding four at a time) over both +Houses of Parliament without an order from the Lord +Chamberlain; he can take books out of the Library on +leaving a small deposit; he can call a wherry and go on +the river whenever he pleases; every tenth cygnet born +between Lambeth and London Bridge is his by prescriptive +right; and he is at liberty to charge the Consolidated +Fund with the cost of any refreshment he may +require during official hours, and with all cab fares to +and from the House.</p> + +<p>The most terrible exercise of the Speaker's authority +is when he "names" a Member. The miserable man +is committed to the Tower for life, and allowed no +book to read but <i>Hansard</i>; his estates are forfeited to +the Crown, and once a year, on the day when he committed +the offence for which he was "named," he is +taken by the Constable of the Tower in a tumbril to +Westminster, to beg pardon of the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> and the +House on his knees.</p> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> may be either a bachelor, a married man, or a widower, but +he must be one of the three.</p> + +<p>If a new Member shows any eccentricity in his dress, manners, speech, or +general deportment, the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> asks him to tea, and quietly points out to +him the impropriety of which he has been guilty.</p> + +<p>At 2 <span class="smcap">A.M.</span>, at a moment's notice, without any opportunity of consulting authorities, +the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> may be called upon to state what was the practice of the +House in the reign of <span class="smcap">Edward the Third</span>, or to remember a precedent established +during the time <span class="smcap">Sir Thomas More</span> filled the office, or to enforce a +Standing Order coëval with the Long Parliament.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> <a href="images/021.png"><img width="100%" src="images/021.png" alt="" /></a> +<h2>IN VINO MEMORIA.</h2> + +<p><i>Major Portsoken (a pretty constant Guest).</i> "<span class="smcap">I say, Buchanan, this isn't</span>—(<i>another +sip</i>)—<span class="smcap">the same Champagne</span>——!"</p> + +<p><i>Scotch Butler.</i> "<span class="smcap">Na, that's a' Dune! There was Thruity Dizzen; and +ye've had yere Share o't, Major!!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>BRAVO! BUMBLE.</h2> + +<blockquote> +"At a meeting of the Bury Town Council this week, it was stated that an address was +about to be presented to Her Royal Highness the <span class="smcap">Princess Louise</span> of Hesse, by way of a +public appreciation of her exertions on behalf of His Royal Highness the <span class="smcap">Prince of +Wales</span>. It was also stated that it was proposed to present a cabinet, containing the photographic +likenesses of those signing the address—Sheriffs and other officers in their +respective uniforms, and Mayors of boroughs in their robes." +</blockquote> + +<p><span class="smcap">A more</span> interesting gallery of portraits it would be difficult to imagine, +especially, if, as the encouraging words, "and other officers" incline us +to hope may be the case, the macebearers, beadles, and town-criers, with +possibly a selection from the police, are included in the cabinet. Perhaps it +would not be advisable to admit Sheriffs' officers. A fac-simile autograph +underneath each photograph, with the addition of the writer's usual formula +of subscription—"Yours truly," "Ever faithfully yours," &c.—would +materially enhance the value of the present. Everyone, who can appreciate +good taste, in combination with retiring modesty, must be struck with +this, the latest outburst of corporate zeal; and the impression such a delicate +attention as the offering of a cabinet containing the likenesses of some +of the most remarkable characters of their time, will produce upon foreign +nations, already full of admiration of our loyalty and envying us our Mayors, +cannot fail to be most gratifying to the nation's vanity.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page022" id="page022"></a>[pg 022]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> <img width="100%" src="images/022.png" alt="" /> +<h2>MORE OFFICIAL CENSORSHIP OF PANTOMIME.</h2> + +<p><i>Policeman.</i> "<span class="smcap">I wouldn't have minded a Quiet Performance; but to begin Insultin' the Lawr under my wery Eyes!</span>—(<i>Waxing +wroth</i>)—<span class="smcap">Move on! or blow'd if I don't Run yer In!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SURPRISING A CASTLE.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> least ancient and least interesting part of Warwick Castle +has been burned. Subscriptions are tendered in aid of a restoration. +Question is raised whether <span class="smcap">Lord Warwick</span> should accept these, lest +the public should consider that by subscribing it acquires a certain +right in the Castle, and that the Earl's legend will have a second +meaning, when affixed over the new buildings: <i>Vix ea nostra voco</i>. +The suggestion is unworthy and sordid. <i>Mr. Punch</i> would like to +see a vote of the Commons in aid of the subscription for conserving +about the noblest relic left to us. He would be glad to say to the +Earl, in <span class="smcap">Lord Warwick's</span> own words in the Temple Garden, after a +certain rose-plucking,</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"This blot that they object against your House</p> +<p>Shall be wiped off in the next Parliament."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The cool idea that giving a nobleman help to rebuild entitles one +to walk into his property, is concentrated cheekiness; and if castles +are capable of astonishment, <i>Mr. Punch</i> would again quote W. S. +to the Earl, and say, "Your Castle <i>is</i> surprised."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> have all been taught to tread the path of duty, but some of +us seem to have forgotten the lesson. May we entreat Commissioners, +Boards, Corporations, Vestries, Parochial Authorities, +indeed, any responsible and rate-levying body which has got into +bad ways, to do their duty to our paths; and if not this winter, +perhaps the next—or, not to be too exorbitant, the next after that—to +keep the pavements and the roadways passably clean? It +would be a satisfaction to those of us who have reached middle age +to think that we may yet live to see the streets of London, and +other wealthy towns and cities, rather less lutulent than country +lanes and rural roads. When will the scavenger be abroad?</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SICK MAN IN THE VATICAN.</h2> + +<blockquote> +"It is stated that <span class="smcap">Victor Emmanuel</span> sent <span class="smcap">General Pralormo</span> to the +Vatican on New Year's Day to wish the <span class="smcap">Pope</span> the compliments of the season +on behalf of His Majesty. On arriving there, he was informed by <span class="smcap">Cardinal +Antonelli</span> that the Holy Father was indisposed, and could not, therefore, +receive him personally. The Cardinal undertook to deliver the compliments +of the King, and the General left. A few hours after, the <span class="smcap">Pope</span> was completely +recovered, and held his usual receptions." +</blockquote> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> faithful should congratulate the <span class="smcap">Pope</span> upon his rapid, almost +miraculous recovery. From the moment the wicked King's emissary +was out of the precincts of the Vatican, the symptoms became more +favourable, and the Court physicians were released from their +attendance. We notice, only to dismiss it with scorn, an impression +which appears to exist that the Holy Father was "indisposed," in the +primary sense of the word, as worldly sovereigns have been before +now; for it is not for an instant to be supposed that a Cardinal +would put forth, and a Pope sanction, any excuse which was not in +accordance with the strictest truth.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Theological News.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">His Grace</span> the <span class="smcap">Duke of Somerset</span>, some time First Lord of the +Admiralty, has come out as a writer on theology. Needless to say +that he is not ceremonious in his treatment of eminent persons. He +is by no means complimentary to the Apostles. His teaching may +be condensed into his own motto, <i>Foi pour Devoir</i>, translated +subtly. In these days everybody seems ready to instruct us in +religion—except the Bishops.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>JUSTICE TO IRELAND.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Motto for a Bottle of Potheen.</span>—"Oireland! with all thy +faults I love thy still."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard +Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—<span class="smcap">Saturday</span>, January 13, 1872. +</blockquote> + +<hr/> + +<h2>Transcriber Notes:</h2> + +<p>Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.</p> + +<p>The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs. Thus the +page number of the illustration might not match the page number in the +original.</p> + +<p>Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +62, Jan 13, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 38261-h.htm or 38261-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/2/6/38261/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Jan 13, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 10, 2011 [EBook #38261] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 62. +JANUARY 13, 1872. + + +[Illustration: A STRAIGHTFORWARD VIEW. + +_High Church Curate._ "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A +CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?" + +_Literal Churchwarden._ "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGYMAN +IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!"] + + * * * * * + + POKES IN PANTOMIMES. + +_NON omnia possumus omnes_; we are not all Popes, nor should we be +omnipotent even if we were infallible. The _Daily News_ is a journal of +ability; but there is a certain inconsistency, the cause of which it +declares itself unable to fathom:-- + + "That all personal allusions to the private lives of individuals + should be eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed, we + sympathise with DR. JOHNSON, who, on hearing that FOOTE, the + actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired the + price of a good thick stick; but why, in the name of common + sense, when caricatures of MR. GLADSTONE and MR. LOWE weekly + appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a day passes + without these gentlemen being attacked in print on account of + one or other of their public acts, every harmless joke upon + their official doings should be expunged from the pantomimes, + surpasses comprehension." + +Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in theatres a place +called the Gallery. This place is occupied by a peculiar description of +audience and spectators. In the theatre, by physical position, they +constitute the higher orders, but in common talk are contrariwise named. +Of old, bloated aristocrats were wont ironically to style them "the +Gods." Enlightened Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their +value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now the People of +the Gallery are not accustomed to read humorous journals in which +caricatures of the People's WILLIAM, and the People's ROBERT, appear +weekly. If they were, it would be necessary for the humorous journals to +be very careful in caricaturing those popular Ministers, lest +caricatures should endanger their popularity. The People of the Gallery +are our flesh and blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take +jokes too seriously. If the _Clown_ in a Pantomime were to tread upon a +match-box, and get blown up sky-high, or if, assisted by the +_Pantaloon_, he presented a working man in an arsenal with a sack, these +performances, to the occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless +jokes, but the effect produced by them in the electoral way would +probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with friends and relations +of match-venders and dockyard labourers. + + * * * * * + + =The Best Tonic.= + +THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as alive as ever to the +cheering effect of "good spirits" on their patients. + + * * * * * + + PROBABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, being thoroughly convinced of the +injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its total +abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he +undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be +voted. + +MR. AYRTON is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to being +able to lecture LORD ELCHO and others on the subject, and also to defend +the action of the Government in resisting all attempts to improve the +National Gallery. + +In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, MR. +WHALLEY, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own residence +as an asylum for the POPE, while exiled from his kingdom. + +It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat the +Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent them +from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds occupied so long +with one subject. + +It is considered almost certain that M. THIERS will seize a very early +opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of the +COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA. + +The game slaughtered at the _battues_ of eleven noble sportsmen (all +members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed among the +East-End poor. + +It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the +provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced this +season, without containing any humorous allusion to "the Claimant." + +MR. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from +Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for a +confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother embraced the +Jewish faith. + +More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have withdrawn their +names this season, and have transferred their subscriptions to the +Humane Society. + +Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government are: (1) a Bill +for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers; (2) a Bill to +Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty Weather; and (3) a Bill +to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse. + +The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in +political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief +command of the vessel of the State. + +It is considered highly probable that, following the good example of +some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the very +highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with little +placards of "NO FEES!" + + * * * * * + + JUST A HINT. + +IS there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, describing a +Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY betook himself +to the heather, and, having scratched himself with one hand, and cast up +an account with the other, suddenly waxed furious, and drew his sword? +We hope that certain Transatlantic friends of ours will not bring in so +tremendous a bill against us, as to make it cheaper for us to fight than +to pay. For we love them very much, but we are obliged to be awfully +economical in these Gladstonian days. + + * * * * * + + =Mathematical Intelligence.= + +IT would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a circle. +Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve years old, he +will back himself on any given morning to get round a square. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ----"WE ARE SUCH STUFF AS DREAMS ARE MADE OF----" +_Tempest._] + + * * * * * + + =EVENINGS FROM HOME.= + +THE next place of Amusement to which MR. BARLOW took his two young +pupils was the STRAND THEATRE. Here they saw _Arion, or the Story of a +Lyre_, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, played by MESSRS. +PAULTON and TERRY, whose duet of "_Walk Up and See my Show_," they so +vehemently applauded as to draw forth a reproof from their worthy +preceptor, who, however, on observing that these comedians seemed to be +possessed of an inexhaustible stock of fresh verses applicable to the +circumstances of the times, was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the +commendations which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon +this portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both +TOMMY and HARRY, neither of whom had up to this time ever evinced any +musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs they had heard +at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their praiseworthy +endeavours on receiving MR. BARLOW'S promise that he would take them +again to witness the same piece, if TOMMY (whose father, being a very +wealthy man, had recently bestowed upon his son a handsome Christmas +gratuity) would pay for three stalls, or at least three places, in the +Dress Circle. + + * * * + +On the following night they went to the PRINCESS'S, to see MR. WATTS +PHILLIPS'S play of _On the Jury_, followed by a Pantomime called _Little +Dicky Dilver_. + +At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their +overcoats and hats; and TOMMY, upon whom his tutor's example, on the +occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, expressed his +gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate manner. + +TOMMY now discovered a further opportunity of making himself acquainted +with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set himself +diligently to learn. + +_Mr. Barlow._ At this theatre you will behold a constellation of talent. + +_Tommy._ But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"? + +"Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars remarkable +either for their brightness or position, or both. These stars, joined +together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have three Stars--MR. +WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and MISS FURTADO." + +_Tommy._ Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their +brightness or position." + +_Mr. Barlow._ Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make you +acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars in London. + +_Tommy._ Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use is it to +know the Stars? + +_Mr. Barlow._ There are some, and those very important, uses to be +derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you tell MASTER +MERTON the story of _The Free Admission and the Grateful Turk_. + +HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn up, +disclosed to them the First Scene of _On the Jury_. + +_Mr. Barlow._ This would indeed be a very good piece, but for faulty +construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic situations, it +has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. You have been +silent, TOMMY, for some time. + +_Tommy._ Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted; and as for +one of your Stars, MISS FURTADO,--Dear Heart! I protest I could watch +her every evening with the greatest delight. + +MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY in his +usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the example of the +poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation. + +"What is that, Sir?" inquired TOMMY. + +"They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," said MR. +BARLOW, "that they never give way to the sudden impulses of passion so +common among Europeans. And see, you have split your new white kid +gloves in applauding this young lady." Then turning to HARRY, he asked +him if he had not been touched by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this +piece. + +_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. _Mr. Tibbetts_ was a +hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have played more +admirably than the gentleman who took the part of _Dexter Sanderson, +Esq._ + +_Mr. Barlow._ You mean MR. PHELPS, and you are right. It is indeed a +fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and yet such a thorough +finish, in this performance, that it would be worth the while of many of +our younger actors (who flatter themselves on their consummate art, in +consequence of having been unduly praised for their few achievements) to +come here and take a lesson from MR. PHELPS. + +MR. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should be +wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, and +its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last Act. He +further complained that it should be thought necessary to commence it at +seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this ought to be, with a +Pantomime. + +TOMMY and HARRY were not, however, of his mind upon this point, and +insisted upon stopping to see the _Clown_. They were somewhat +disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themselves prodigiously +delighted with MR. LLOYD'S scenery. + +On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overcoats, +wrappers, and hats. TOMMY'S little heart was much affected by this +kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured its contents +(four bright new farthings and three peppermint lozenges) into the +honest fellow's hand, saying, "Here, my good man, take this, and Heaven +bless you!" It is impossible to express the surprise of the poor man at +the sight. He stared wildly round him, and would have fallen but for the +tender support of his assistant, who imagined that his companion had +lost his senses. But the man cried out, "O, WILLIAM, I am not mad! See +what Providence has sent us by the hands of this little angel!" Saying +this, he held up the money and the lozenges. But TOMMY went up to them +both, and said, "My good friends, you are very welcome to this: I freely +give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, give +them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves in your +leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were totally +unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their tears, TOMMY +was out of sight, having followed MR. BARLOW and HARRY to the door. + + * * * + +MR. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HARRY to EVANS'S Supper Rooms, to +enter which place they had to pay a shilling apiece. This troubled their +worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was painfully struck, as he informed his +young friends, by the altered aspect of the interior. MR. BARLOW +explained to them that in _his_ time the room was snug, cosy, and +comfortable, and only one quarter of its present size. That _then_ there +were neither carpet nor tavern-like mirrors. "True," said MR. BARLOW, +"that all that was objectionable in the entertainment of former days has +long ere this disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the +"opposite sex," in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit +invisible, and listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued MR. +BARLOW, "you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, who +would call JOHN to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at once, and give +the order himself, returning to see if you were comfortably served. Then +the waiters flew, and to command was to have. Now, TOMMY, observe I have +spoken to these waiters, and have ordered my supper more than twenty +minutes since, and it has not appeared. See MR. GREEN himself" (the +veteran here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear boys, +MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, wandered away to another part of the room), +"he is no longer Proprietor; he is only nominally in authority, his +occupation is, in effect, gone; he is the only connecting link between +the past and present EVANS'S, 'retained,' to quote his own immortal line +about the lamented VON JOEL, 'on the establishment, in consequence of +his long services.'" + +So affected were both HARRY and TOMMY by MR. BARLOW'S discourse that +they begged to be allowed to quit a place which only aroused so much +sadness in the breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving, +MR. BARLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which he had taken, +whereupon the waiter begged to be remembered, which MR. BARLOW, being +blessed with a good memory, willingly consented to do. But the waiter +candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle for his trouble, MR. +BARLOW could not refrain from expostulating with the honest fellow on +the absurdity of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the old +and palmy days of EVANS'S there was no charge for admission, and the +attention bestowed on visitors being admirable, it was a pleasure to +bestow some gratuity upon the attendants, which was always received by +the money collector at the door with a grateful "I thank you, Sir. Good +night, Sir." + +While MR. BARLOW was thus addressing MASTERS HARRY and TOMMY, the waiter +was summoned to a distant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended +the steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent Garden. + +"Farewell, EVANS'S!" said MR. BARLOW, sadly; "I know not that I shall +darken thy doors again!" + +"What you were saying, Sir," observed HARRY on their reaching their +lodgings, "reminds me of the story of _Tigranes and the Amphibious +Black_." + +_Mr. Barlow._ I do not think TOMMY MERTON has heard it. + +_Harry._ Well, you must know, MASTER TOMMY---- + +But TOMMY had gone straight up-stairs to bed. + +MR. BARLOW, who knew the story by heart, having, indeed, himself told it +to MASTER HARRY, then took his candle, and wishing HARRY a very good +night, retired. + + * * * * * + + VIAE ANTIQUAE. + +IT is pleasant to make honourable mention, in _Mr. Punch's_ columns, of +anything bearing the name of JERROLD. The latest appearance of this name +is in conjunction with that of GUSTAVE DORE--a household word. Two +artists have been making a pilgrimage through London together, and each, +with his own implement, is recording his experiences, the result to be a +beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen has appeared. _Mr. Punch_ +is glad to welcome a new memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as +that city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the parts most +likely to attract the eye of M. DORE, that it will soon be all as +colourless as a Boulevard or Regent Street. If MR. JERROLD will show M. +DORE anything that shall call out the power lavished on the houses in +the pictures to a certain book of _Contes_, the two will do the good +deed of apprising posterity that London was the production of +architects, and not of excessively respectable contractors for building +purposes. + + * * * * * + + =Royal Clemency.= + +WE have heard, with gratification, that the remainder of the sentence on +JOHN POYNTZ SPENCER, who was sent to Ireland in 1868, and who has since +been immured in Dublin Castle, is likely to be remitted. His admirable +conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and his return will +be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that he has amply expiated the +political offence of being a Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an +honourable future is in store for him. + + * * * * * + + =SANITARY SERMONS.= + +[Illustration: M]OST of our contemporaries have lately improved an +alarming occasion with many monitory observations on typhoid fever. The +whole of these, however, reducible into a few words, may be pretty well +summed up in the caution,--Look to your drains. In addition, _Dr. Punch_ +begs to offer a piece of advice _gratis_ to all persons in possession of +his universal remedy, price 3_d._, 4_d._ stamped, to counterfeit which +is piracy. Look to yourselves. + +Pestiferous as is the atmosphere of sewers, not only do rats live, but +labourers work in it, the former wholly, the latter for most part with +impunity. The rodents get acclimatised, unless it be that instinct +impels them to take some sort of vegetable or other preventive of +zymotic and mephitic diseases. As for the working-men, they smoke +pipes of tobacco almost to a man, and as generally prescribe for and +administer to themselves alcohol in some one or other of its forms, +commonly that of something short, which, if asked to give it a name, we +will call gin, or euphemistically, Old Tom, not to say, dyslogistically, +blue ruin, for the useless sake of pleasing the United Kingdom Alliance; +those conspirators against the potatory liberty of the subject who hate +us youth, and specially abhor _Punch_. The gin-drinking, prevalent among +the population of the slums, comes of a sense which is medicinal, and +the medicine would, in effect, be altogether salutary but for the +tendency of people to take it in over-doses. + +Everybody knows how continually medical men are exposed to all manner of +contagion, and how very seldom they catch any disease. They, it is true, +are not in the habit of asking particularly for gin on coming out of a +sick-room: but they are accustomed to take, or do, whatsoever may be +requisite to maintain the bodily conditions which resist or expel +poisonous or morbid effluvia. + +Look to your drains, by all means; but look also to the natural gates +and alleys of the body--keep them clear, and permeable, and pervious. +By what means? Therein the patient may minister to himself if he can, +or else should inquire of his doctor, who will let him know. There is, +however, a popular panacea which he will find invariably efficacious. +The prophylactic as well as therapeutic virtues of _Punch_, of +_Punch's Pocket-Book_, and _Punch's Almanack_, are so universally +known and so deservedly celebrated that any recommendation beyond the +merest reference to those powerful tonic, stimulant, and antiseptic +publications would be superfluous puffery. How much caution soever the +Faculty may recommend in prescribing alcohol in whatsoever form, they +are of unanimous opinion that nobody need hesitate to give or take any +quantity of _Punch_. + + * * * * * + + FAIR PLAY FOR LOOSHAI. + +THERE is one thing worth note in the manners (or want of manners) of our +present enemies the Looshai folk. The _Standard_ says that they delight +"in transposition of the component parts of the names of places and +chiefs. Thus, SOOK-PI-LAL is often converted into LAL-PI-SOOK. A similar +practice frequently prevails in British India; the lower class of +natives constantly substituting Nucklow for Lucknow." Call these people +savages! Why, they are as witty as most members of the Stock Exchange. +What higher flight can the latter generally attain than the feat of +calling "ROBINSON AND THOMSON" "TOBINSON AND ROMSON," or saying that +JONES lives at "Wampton Hick?" We hope that these Orientals will be +treated with as much consideration as may be. They are none so +uncivilised, as times go. Perhaps they like burlesques. + + * * * * * + + =Parallels for the People.= + +A BRIGHT idea is that of establishing "Public-houses without Drink." +Would it not be improved upon by the institution of Restaurants without +Meat? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIVIFYING TREATMENT OF A PARTNER. + +(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._) + +_Young Lady_ (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_). +"NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE +BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, +AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, +AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS, +AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. _NOW_ YOU MAY BEGIN +CONVERSATION." [_Utter Collapse of Partner._ ] + + * * * * * + + "COME ABOARD, SIR!" + + "COME aboard, Sir!" to the Captain + Says JOHN BRIGHT, A.B, + As he touches his tarpaulin, + Smart and sailorly. + And the watch look pleased as Punches, + Officers and men, + For A.B.'s like JOHN are always + Welcome back again! + + Over deck, and spars, and rigging + JOHN he slues his eye; + Gives a seaman's squint to leeward, + Scanning sea and sky; + At the binnacle he glances, + Notes the course she steers; + Nought on board or in the offing, + Scapes his eyes and ears. + + For the ship has seen hard weather, + And some people say; + CAPTAIN GLADSTONE ain't the man he + Was the other day: + And if you believe the croakers, + Officers and crew, + Don't pull with a will together, + As they used to do. + + Certain 'tis, since JOHN BRIGHT left her, + His sick leave to take, + The old craft, in last year's cruising, + Had an ugly shake. + Made poor day's-works, too much lee-way; + Badly fouled her screw: + Scraped her copper, if she didn't + Start a plate or two. + + Certain 'tis, with crew and captain, + Officers also, + Things don't go on quite as pleasant + As they used to go. + There's been some high-handed doings, + Some quite the reverse; + Some's took sick, and some's took sulky; + Some took soft, or worse. + + There's sea-lawyers--donkey-engines + Can't their slack haul in; + You may stop their grog, you'll never + Stop the yarns they spin: + There's your discontented beggars, + Nothing e'er can please; + There's your pennywise 'uns, nibbling + At the dips and cheese. + + There's your mutineers, for mischief + Ripe 'gainst flag and Crown; + Never pleased unless they're turning + 'Tween-decks upside down. + There's your Queen's bad bargains, shirking + Work, whoever strain: + Trimmers COX'S traverse working-- + "There and back again." + + Green-hands, as can't fudge a reckoning, + Of a watch in charge; + Looking after the _Britannia_, + And can't steer a barge! + For the Captain has his fancies-- + When he's picked a man + For a job, whoe'er can't do it, + _He's_ the chap as _can_. + + Anyway the ship's the better + By a good A.B., + Now JOHN BRIGHT is all a-taunto, + And come back to sea. + Be't to talk to the blue-jackets + Like a 'cute old salt; + Con the ship, or call the soundings, + Hide or slang a fault-- + + On the yardarm, big guns blowing, + Weather ear-ring take; + With bright yarns, to keep the watches + Spry and wide-awake; + So as to give cyclones the go-by, + Safest course to steer; + Canvas when to spread, when shorten, + With a lee-shore near-- + + No A.B. in the _Britannia_ + Better knows than JOHN: + Which let's hope that CAPTAIN G. will + Take his advice thereon. + Well we know that now JOHN'S buckled + To his work again, + 'Twill for officers be better, + And for ship and men! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OFF GREENWICH." + +JOHN BRIGHT. "COME ABOARD, SIR!" + +CAPTAIN GLADSTONE. "GLAD TO SEE YOU, JOHN. GLAD YOU'RE A.B. AGAIN. IF IT +COMES ON TO BLOW, WE MAY WANT YOUR ASSISTANCE."] + + + * * * * * + + CHRISTMAS BOXES FOR BEAUTY. + +A NOVEL kind of Christmas Box is suggested by a legend which _Mr. Punch_ +lately beheld in the window of a hair-dresser's shop--"Presents for +Christmas." It was posted in the midst of a variety of Chignons. A box +containing a quantity of false hair is the Christmas-Box thereby +presented to the imagination of the passer-by. But who would offer it to +a young lady? Such a present is equivalent to the gift of a wig. It is a +Christmas-Box or a New Year's Gift of a class in which may be included +several other articles of a similar description, but more useful, and +much more ornamental. For instance, you might give a friend in need, +personal and pecuniary, a Christmas-Box in the shape of a set of +artificial teeth, or the "Guinea Jaw" of our friend the Dentist, or a +glass eye, or a gutta-percha nose, or a wooden leg. + +Some of the "Presents for Christmas" above referred to were Chignons +which looked like horses' tails. Others of the Chignons for +Christmas-Boxes exhibited a remarkable resemblance to the tail of a +comet, from which eccentric luminary the idea of those prodigious +top-knots may possibly have been borrowed. Astronomy, along with +Geography and the Use of the Globes, has long formed a branch of female +education. An intelligent girl, fresh from boarding-school, if requested +to describe the _Coma Berenices_ might, or might not inform her +questioner that it was a celestial Chignon. + + * * * * * + + ="Our Wig!"= + +Among the names of possible candidates for the Speakership was that of +MR. SAMUEL WHITBREAD, Member for Bedford. He would be an excellent +Speaker, but, as matter of humanity, _Punch_ must have opposed this +selection. Imagine a triumph of the Anti-Liquor League, imagine the +success of a Bill for putting down Porter, and imagine a grandson of +WHITBREAD having to say "That this Bill do pass!" + + * * * * * + + =MY HEALTH.= + +[Illustration: H]OME we return from otter-hunting. Tired, but expecting +a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK." He is to be at dinner, and a few very intimates +are coming in the evening. The few "very intimates" have no distance to +drive--merely a matter of eight miles or so. + +From my window I hear carriages drawing up exactly at two minutes to +seven o'clock. Punctuality in Cornwall is the soul of pleasure. + +Odd: at the last moment I can't find either a collar or a white tie! +"Come, Desperation, lend thy furious hold!" Rummage in the drawers, in +the portmanteau. Staggered. Where can it be?--the collar, I mean. +Rummage again. Getting hot and excited. Ought always to come down to +dinner calm, cool, and collected. I shall be the only one late, and _I_ +hadn't to come twelve miles to dinner. No excuse except the real +one,--"Couldn't find my collars, or a tie." Only one thing for it. Ring +the bell, and ask servant. + +"O yes. Sir! We were changing the drawers from this room to Master's. I +dessay, Sir, they're in there." They are. Rapture! + +_Flash._--Stirring subject for operatic and descriptive music--A +Gentleman's Toilet in Difficulties. + +_Next Difficulty._--Drop a stud suddenly. Hear it fall close by my foot. +In fact, I feel, from some peculiar sensation _in_ my foot, that it is +here, on the floor, close to me. No. Hunt for it. Can't see it anywhere. +[_Mem._--Never travel without duplicate studs. Won't, another time.] +Still stooping: feeling about the carpet. Hands getting dirty again, +hair coming unbrushed, face growing warm and red. + +_Flash._--The stud being, as it were, an excrescence on the carpet, can +be perceived by lying on the floor, (like an Indian listening to hear if +anybody's coming,) and directing your eye in a right line. After this, +clothes-brush required. Stud found at last exactly where I thought it +had been at first. + +_Another Difficulty._--Time getting on. 7.10. PENDELL by this time +anxious below. Every one arrived. I picture to myself RUDDOCK in the +drawing-room, filling up the _mauvais quart d'heure_ by satirical +reflections on the dandy (me) who hadn't time enough to beautify himself +for dinner. + +I should be down now, if it wasn't for the button on my collar-band. I +feel that it's all over with it, if not touched gently. Once off, and +worry will be my portion for the remainder of the evening. And I know +what is the result of attempting to pin it. + +_Note._--"Curses not loud, but deep." Quotation adapted to +circumstances. + +_Last Difficulty, I hope._--After treating the button with suppressed +emotion, dash at the white tie. I find myself asking myself, "Why the +washerwoman _will_ fold it all wrong, and starch it so that the +slightest crinkle shows?" I have no answer. Of course at any other +moment I could tie it at once, and have done with it; but now first one +end's too long, then the other end's too short; then, on the third +trial, the middle part somehow gets hopelessly tucked into itself, and I +am pulling at it, by mistake, for one of the ends. At last I get it +something like all right, but not everything that could be desired. +Waistcoat. Coat. Handkerchief! Where's handkerchief? Where is--... ha! +Down-stairs. + +Everybody waiting, evidently. Apology. "Ah!" says PENDELL, "um--ah--now +you've come, we'll--um----" and rings the bell. + +I recognise some of our companions out otter-hunting to-day. Galaxy, +too, of Cornish beauty, which means the darkest, brightest eyes and the +clearest, freshest complexions. Not being introduced, I look about for +Old RUDDOCK. There is an elderly gentleman sitting at a table looking +over a photograph book. This is the nearest approach to Old RUDDOCK that +I can see. Dinner announced. I take in MISS BODD, of Popthlanack, and +follow the TRELISSACS, the TREGONIES of Tregivel, and MAJOR PENOLVER, +with MRS. SOMEBODY of Somewhere. Whom RUDDOCK takes, I don't know. + +_A Discovery._--I am seated next to Old RUDDOCK of Ruddock, at dinner. +PENDELL introduces us. A hale, hearty, elderly gentleman, with, if any +expression at all, rather a sleepy one, as if a very little over-feeding +would send him into a doze. + +Now then for a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AMBITION. + +_Mr. Tittups (suggesting impossible Bank to full-sized Nimrod)._ "DON'T +YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE IT HERE, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + + POETRY OF FACT. + +AT the festive season of the year particularly, people commonly complain +that the newspapers are dull. Unless in exceptional years, nothing +happens of which the narration is in anywise interesting, and the dearth +of news is generally so extreme that journalists are actually driven to +fill their columns with theological controversies. + +The dryness of grammatical details has been surmounted by the device of +putting them into metre, as in the _As in Praesenti_ and the _Propria quae +Maribus_ of the Eton Latin Grammar. Might not the contents of the +Journals, in like sort, be rendered somewhat less prosy than they +sometimes are by being versified? The telegrams would, perhaps, be +peculiarly susceptible of this treatment, whereunto they seem to lend +themselves in virtue of their characteristic conciseness, which it would +enhance. The electric wire on New Year's Day transmitted a certain +message from Rome. Here it is in the form of blank verse:-- + + The King to-day received the Ministers. + The Deputations Parliamentary, + The State's great Officers, the military + And the municipal authorities, + And other delegates. His MAJESTY + Thanks for congratulations did return + To those who tendered them, occasionally, + Upon the New Year's Day; and he expressed + His hope that, 'twixt the representative + Great bodies of the People and the State, + The concord, which the national unity + Doth to complete essentially conduce, + Would ever be maintained. + +The Court Circular could be rendered in heroic rhymes. As thus:-- + + The QUEEN walked in the Castle Grounds this morn; + The DUKE OF EDINBURGH, LOUISE, of Lorne + The Princess, and the Marquis with his bride, + For Town left Windsor after this noon-tide. + PRINCE ARTHUR, by SIR HOWARD ELPHINSTONE + Attended, went to Dover, too, anon. + Right Honourable GLADSTONE here has been + To-day, and had an audience of the QUEEN, + The Premier, after that, remained to lunch, + The dinner-party included _Mr. Punch_. + +Other intelligence, miscellaneous or special, could be couched in +lyrical measures. Take a specimen of a money article:-- + + The English funds, this blessed day, + Have no fresh movement known, + Save of one-eighth a rise had they, + Which could not hold its own. + + Consols so little looked alive, + As quoted but to be + At ninety-two one half, to five-- + Eighths, for delivery. + + Excitement did the day throughout + The Railway Market thrill; + Shares have been briskly pushed about, + And prices risen still. + + A hundred thousand pounds in gold + Came, at the Bank, to hand, + And much for discount there, behold! + Increased was the demand. + +Police reports also could be embodied in song, as, for example:-- + + At Worship Street came PETER FAKE, a young thief, + Charged with stealing a watch, unto summary grief. + For three months, with hard labour, committed was he, + And well whipped, in addition, was ordered to be. + + The prisoner, on hearing his sentence, no doubt + More than he had expected, burst instantly out + In a howl, of a sort which description would mock; + In the midst of it he was removed from the dock. + +And so on. The suggestion above exemplified will perhaps be adopted by +some enterprising journalist, prepared to afford the necessary +remuneration to competent poets. In the event of another war, the +communications of Our Special Correspondent might fall naturally into +the form of an Epic, shaped and determined by the course of +circumstances. The title of a journal composed in verse might be, for +want of a better, _The Poetical News_. + + * * * * * + + THE SPEAKER. + +THE announcement that the present SPEAKER of the House of Commons is +about to take his well-earned pension and Peerage, and that the election +of a successor will be one of the first Acts of Parliament when it meets +in February, has occasioned much writing in newspapers and conversation +in the social circle, in competition with the Temple of Justice, Clubs +for Working-Men, the State of the Streets, and the "insobriety" which +accompanies the festive season. + +As some misconception appears to prevail regarding the SPEAKER'S exalted +office, especially amongst the young and gay, and in rural districts, +_Mr. Punch_, the best "Popular Educator" has (with the valuable +assistance of SIR ERSKINE MAY) compiled a few notes on the subject, +which in his leisure moments he hopes to be able to expand into a +voluminous treatise, worthy to take its place by the side of _Enfield's +Speaker_, or anybody else's. + +The office of Speaker is as old as the Saxon Wittenagemot, but the mace +now borne by the Serjeant-at-Arms is not the one which CROMWELL +impetuously called a "bauble." That interesting relic of a bye-gone age +is said to be in a private collection in the United States. + +The SPEAKER is in the Chair whenever the House is not in Committee. If +it be asked, when is the House in Committee, the answer is +simple--whenever the SPEAKER is not in the Chair. + +The young and the gay and the country population have been led astray by +the SPEAKER'S misleading title[A]--the fact being that the SPEAKER does +not speak, except on very rare occasions. + + A: _Lucus a non lucendo.--Sil. Ital. de Arbor._, XV., 1019. + +The SPEAKER hears all the speeches which are made during the time he is +in the Chair, _for he must never sleep while on duty_; but as most of +those who have filled the office have lived on, Session after Session, +we may hope that they did not consider themselves bound _always_ to +listen. Even, however, with this relaxation, the poor composition, the +defective grammar, the arid statistics, the threadbare quotations, the +hesitations, the repetitions, the bad delivery, the awkward action, the +wrong emphasis, MR. DENISON must have heard and seen through fifteen +long years, cannot but have caused him untold suffering. It seems almost +incredible that there should be any competition for the horrors of such +a post. + +The SPEAKER has a salary, a secretary, a chaplain, a counsel, a +residence, and an allowance for keeping the Mace in order. When he +retires, he has a peerage and a pension, and is allowed to take his Wig +and Gown and Chair away with him. + +The SPEAKER, although not one of the commoner sort, is the first +Commoner in the land. + +The SPEAKER is entitled to many privileges. He can show friends (not +exceeding four at a time) over both Houses of Parliament without an +order from the Lord Chamberlain; he can take books out of the Library on +leaving a small deposit; he can call a wherry and go on the river +whenever he pleases; every tenth cygnet born between Lambeth and London +Bridge is his by prescriptive right; and he is at liberty to charge the +Consolidated Fund with the cost of any refreshment he may require during +official hours, and with all cab fares to and from the House. + +The most terrible exercise of the Speaker's authority is when he "names" +a Member. The miserable man is committed to the Tower for life, and +allowed no book to read but _Hansard_; his estates are forfeited to the +Crown, and once a year, on the day when he committed the offence for +which he was "named," he is taken by the Constable of the Tower in a +tumbril to Westminster, to beg pardon of the SPEAKER and the House on +his knees. + +The SPEAKER may be either a bachelor, a married man, or a widower, but +he must be one of the three. + +If a new Member shows any eccentricity in his dress, manners, speech, or +general deportment, the SPEAKER asks him to tea, and quietly points out +to him the impropriety of which he has been guilty. + +At 2 A.M., at a moment's notice, without any opportunity of consulting +authorities, the SPEAKER may be called upon to state what was the +practice of the House in the reign of EDWARD THE THIRD, or to remember a +precedent established during the time SIR THOMAS MORE filled the office, +or to enforce a Standing Order coeval with the Long Parliament. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN VINO MEMORIA. + +_Major Portsoken (a pretty constant Guest)._ "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS +ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!" + +_Scotch Butler._ "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUITY DIZZEN; AND +YE'VE HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!"] + + * * * * * + + BRAVO! BUMBLE. + + "At a meeting of the Bury Town Council this week, it was stated + that an address was about to be presented to Her Royal Highness + the PRINCESS LOUISE of Hesse, by way of a public appreciation of + her exertions on behalf of His Royal Highness the PRINCE OF + WALES. It was also stated that it was proposed to present a + cabinet, containing the photographic likenesses of those signing + the address--Sheriffs and other officers in their respective + uniforms, and Mayors of boroughs in their robes." + +A MORE interesting gallery of portraits it would be difficult to +imagine, especially, if, as the encouraging words, "and other officers" +incline us to hope may be the case, the macebearers, beadles, and +town-criers, with possibly a selection from the police, are included in +the cabinet. Perhaps it would not be advisable to admit Sheriffs' +officers. A fac-simile autograph underneath each photograph, with the +addition of the writer's usual formula of subscription--"Yours truly," +"Ever faithfully yours," &c.--would materially enhance the value of the +present. Everyone, who can appreciate good taste, in combination with +retiring modesty, must be struck with this, the latest outburst of +corporate zeal; and the impression such a delicate attention as the +offering of a cabinet containing the likenesses of some of the most +remarkable characters of their time, will produce upon foreign nations, +already full of admiration of our loyalty and envying us our Mayors, +cannot fail to be most gratifying to the nation's vanity. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE OFFICIAL CENSORSHIP OF PANTOMIME. + +_Policeman._ "I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED A QUIET PERFORMANCE; BUT TO BEGIN +INSULTIN' THE LAWR UNDER MY WERY EYES!--(_Waxing wroth_)--MOVE ON! OR +BLOW'D IF I DON'T RUN YER IN!"] + + * * * * * + + SURPRISING A CASTLE. + +THE least ancient and least interesting part of Warwick Castle has been +burned. Subscriptions are tendered in aid of a restoration. Question is +raised whether LORD WARWICK should accept these, lest the public should +consider that by subscribing it acquires a certain right in the Castle, +and that the Earl's legend will have a second meaning, when affixed over +the new buildings: _Vix ea nostra voco_. The suggestion is unworthy and +sordid. _Mr. Punch_ would like to see a vote of the Commons in aid of +the subscription for conserving about the noblest relic left to us. He +would be glad to say to the Earl, in LORD WARWICK'S own words in the +Temple Garden, after a certain rose-plucking, + + "This blot that they object against your House + Shall be wiped off in the next Parliament." + +The cool idea that giving a nobleman help to rebuild entitles one to +walk into his property, is concentrated cheekiness; and if castles are +capable of astonishment, _Mr. Punch_ would again quote W. S. to the +Earl, and say, "Your Castle _is_ surprised." + + * * * * * + + =Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!= + +WE have all been taught to tread the path of duty, but some of us seem +to have forgotten the lesson. May we entreat Commissioners, Boards, +Corporations, Vestries, Parochial Authorities, indeed, any responsible +and rate-levying body which has got into bad ways, to do their duty to +our paths; and if not this winter, perhaps the next--or, not to be too +exorbitant, the next after that--to keep the pavements and the roadways +passably clean? It would be a satisfaction to those of us who have +reached middle age to think that we may yet live to see the streets of +London, and other wealthy towns and cities, rather less lutulent than +country lanes and rural roads. When will the scavenger be abroad? + + * * * * * + + THE SICK MAN IN THE VATICAN. + + "It is stated that VICTOR EMMANUEL sent GENERAL PRALORMO to the + Vatican on New Year's Day to wish the POPE the compliments of + the season on behalf of His Majesty. On arriving there, he was + informed by CARDINAL ANTONELLI that the Holy Father was + indisposed, and could not, therefore, receive him personally. + The Cardinal undertook to deliver the compliments of the King, + and the General left. A few hours after, the POPE was completely + recovered, and held his usual receptions." + +THE faithful should congratulate the POPE upon his rapid, almost +miraculous recovery. From the moment the wicked King's emissary was out +of the precincts of the Vatican, the symptoms became more favourable, +and the Court physicians were released from their attendance. We notice, +only to dismiss it with scorn, an impression which appears to exist that +the Holy Father was "indisposed," in the primary sense of the word, as +worldly sovereigns have been before now; for it is not for an instant to +be supposed that a Cardinal would put forth, and a Pope sanction, any +excuse which was not in accordance with the strictest truth. + + * * * * * + + =Theological News.= + +HIS GRACE the DUKE OF SOMERSET, some time First Lord of the Admiralty, +has come out as a writer on theology. Needless to say that he is not +ceremonious in his treatment of eminent persons. He is by no means +complimentary to the Apostles. His teaching may be condensed into his +own motto, _Foi pour Devoir_, translated subtly. In these days everybody +seems ready to instruct us in religion--except the Bishops. + + * * * * * + + JUSTICE TO IRELAND. + +MOTTO FOR A BOTTLE OF POTHEEN.--"Oireland! with all thy faults I love +thy still." + + * * * * * + + =Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the + Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at + the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard + Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, + and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of + St. Bride, City of London.--SATURDAY, January 13, 1872.= + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the +speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next the text they illustrate. + +Illustrations with a single letter in their caption were sometimes used +in the original pages to serve as inital capital letters. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +62, Jan 13, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 38261.txt or 38261.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/2/6/38261/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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