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diff --git a/38146.txt b/38146.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c678836 --- /dev/null +++ b/38146.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3327 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch on the Warpath + Humours of the Army, The Navy and The Reserve Forces + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: Reginald Cleaver et al + +Release Date: November 26, 2011 [EBook #38146] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH + + PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + + Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + +Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the +cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic +draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its +beginning in 1841 to the present day + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MILITARY EDUCATION. + +_General._ "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of cavalry in modern +warfare?" + +_Mr. de Bridoon._ "Well, I suppose to give tone to what would otherwise +be a mere vulgar brawl!"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH + +[Illustration] + +HUMOURS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE RESERVE FORCES + +_WITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +BY REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL, +C. L. POTT, CHARLES PEARS, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, +FRED. PEGRAM, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND OTHERS + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"FORWARD!" + +Was there ever protean like MR. PUNCH! The little man is a wonder. In so +many guises do we encounter him--now as tourist, again as playgoer, as +huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home +philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where +not and how not?--that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on +the warpath. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people? + +Of course it may be suggested that in the present book we do not have +what is entirely a record of his achievements on many a well-fought +field. There are not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic +battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only recent experience +of the real thing leaves MR. PUNCH too sore of heart to say much about +it. But as we are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace prepare +for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, we are always +"preparing"--hence, perhaps, the reason why we are never ready. But +there is a deal of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to +MR. PUNCH. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the past Charles Keene +found many of his happiest subjects in the humours of military life and +volunteering, while to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic +volunteer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many brilliant aiders +and abettors. + +MR. PUNCH is, by turns, general, drum major, full private, cavalry man +and "kiltie," he is also A. B. when the occasion serves, and would be +horse-marine if necessary! At all events he has given the command, and +it's "Forward!" + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH + +[Illustration] + +WATERLOO UP-TO-DATE _(a fact)_. + +_Belgian Guide._ Ze brave Picton 'e fall in ze arms of _victoire_---- + +_Facetious Britisher._ Where was Lord Roberts? + +_Guide (not to be done)._ Lord Robert 'e stand on _zis montagne_, and 'e +cry, "Hoop, Garde, and at zem!" + + * * * * * + +The report that there are 46,719 total abstainers in the British Army is +welcome news, but what grieves recruiting officers is the number of +total abstainers from the British Army. + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS MILITARY FACT.--The seat of war is always the spot where two +forces are standing up to one another. + + * * * * * + +A SPOT TO BE AVOIDED BY ROYAL ARTILLERYMEN.--Gunnersbury. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE FOR MARTINETS.--Military authorities should consider whether it +would not be advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the +tidiness of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess. + + * * * * * + +AMONG WARRIORS. + +_Interested Patron._ So I see you lost an arm in the battle. + +_An Atkins ("back from the Front")._ Ay, sir, and my companion here +_(indicating Atkins No. 2)_ he lost a leg. + +_Patron._ And your Colonel--in the same battle, eh? + +_Atkins No. 2._ Ah! he was worse off than either of us, sir; he lost his +head. + + * * * * * + +ARMY CHAPLAINS.--Wouldn't they be all doubly serviceable in time of war +if they were all canons? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bluejacket (in charge of party of sightseers)._ "Here +Nelson fell." + +_Old Lady._ "An' I don't wonder at it, poor dear. Nasty slippery place! +I nearly fell there myself!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE BLACK WATCH" + + The Black Watch will go night and day. + The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate. + The Black Watch always keeps time. + The Black Watch is never out of gear. + The Black Watch wants no "winding up." + The Black Watch can be warranted for any period. + + * * * * * + +_Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers)._ Now tell +me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso? + +_P. of D. F._ Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of +bullets that missed me. + + * * * * * + +A MYSTERY FROM SHOEBURY.--When does the cannon ball? When the +Vickers-Maxim. + + * * * * * + +"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her +niece, "I _do_ know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is. +It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am +not so ignorant as you may think." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fond Mother (reading letter from only son at the +front)._ "Charlie says our Generals are perfect idiots!"] + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS + +(_From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist_) + +_How to represent the Army._--Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied +with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a +Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes. +Regimental levee scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat +attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag. + +_How to represent the Navy._--Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors. +Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver +letters H.M.S. _Coquette_. Hair built up _a la_ "Belle of New York" +surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers. + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING MILITARY.--The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess, +individually and collectively, more money than those of any other +regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so--we name no +names--these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers." + + * * * * * + +HOW EFFECTUALLY TO PRODUCE "SILENCE IN THE RANKS."--Use the _Dum Dum_ +bullets. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PAID IN HIS OWN COIN; OR, WHAT WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE. + +_Convicted Contractor._ "Look here! I can't walk in these boots, and I +can't eat this food!" + +_Warder Punch_. "Well, you've got to; it's what you supplied to the +troops."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR NON-COMS. + +_Orderly Sergeant (to officer)._ "Beg your pardon, sorr, but 'm wan +ration short. Who will I give it to?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MILITARY PERIL. + +_Old Lady (to member of signalling section, who has just commenced to +reply to a message)._ "Young man, if you think to alarm _me_ by wagging +those flags about, you are very much mistaken!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY + +That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight. + +That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more +easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries +and cream. + +That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in +the neighbourhood on a bicycle. + +That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly +"shoppy." + +That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links +or tyres. + +That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to +Waterloo in forty minutes. + +That life under canvas is recommended by the doctors when it is subject +to certain favourable climatic conditions. + +That, with the power of enjoying your outing to the end, or cutting it +short at the beginning, you can yet claim credit for your self-denial +and patriotism. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CORONA FINIT OPUS. + +_Mary Anne._ "When are they going to start this army reform they talk +such a lot about?" + +_Private Atkins._ "Why bless your 'eart, _it's all +done_! Look at our new caps!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ALDERSHOT CAMPAIGN + +_Private Sweeny (Highland regiment)._ "Colony bog, is it? Thin bedad! I +wish I was back in Tipperary!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BANTING IN THE YEOMANRY + +_Troop Sergeant-Major._ "It comes to this, captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a +new jacket or knock off one o' my meals!"] + + * * * * * + +UNIFORMITY + +SCENE--_Pall Mall. Enter officer in full uniform hurriedly. He is +stopped by messenger._ + +_Messenger._ Yes, sir? + +_Officer._ I want to see the Commander-in-Chief at once. + +_Messenger._ Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman who has just entered +the room is likely to be there for the next three hours. He came here +two minutes before your arrival. + +_Officer._ But is a civilian allowed to take precedence of an officer in +full uniform? + +_Messenger._ Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a civilian; but an +officer like yourself. + +_Officer._ And yet he is admitted in mufti! Why, here have I had to come +up from the country in full rig, being chaffed at the railway station, +grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the crowd! + +_Messenger._ Yes, sir. Very sorry you should have been inconvenienced, +sir, especially as it was unnecessary, sir! + +_Officer._ Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day +that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose +whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and +regiment? + +_Messenger._ No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the _second_ of April, is the +proper date. To-day, sir, is the _first_ of April. + +_Officer._ And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date! +Quite the most appropriate date! + +_Messenger._ Yes, sir! + + (_Curtain._) + + * * * * * + +The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot +soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea--as some persons profess +to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted +Cavalry. + + * * * * * + +AN IMPOSSIBLE MANOEUVRE IN AUTUMN.--To be in the March past. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST MILITARY DRAWING.--Drawing your pay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HANDY MAN.--What he will have to become, if +recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more new +battleships are constructed.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE + +_Hector._ "Now then, young feller--who are you staring at?" + +_Hodge._ "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? _I pays vor yer!_"] + + * * * * * + +NOT FOR PATRICK! + +["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new +Irish Guards."--_Daily Paper._] + + What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees, + As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P.'s? + Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches, + An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches. + + What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl + Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl! + No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it, + But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted. + + * * * * * + +In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have +decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on +marriage or promotion, _or in respect of any minor irregularities_." In +future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted +will not need to say, with the _King of Denmark_, "O, my offence is +rank!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS" + +Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.] + + * * * * * + +MILITARY SURGERY + +DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH.--In a telegram from the seat of war this week +I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's +main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your +skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either +verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I +presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were +carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of +arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as +to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of +his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where +were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be +correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army +in Flanders never practised such lopsided manoeuvres. + + Yours respectfully, + + CORPORAL TRIM. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ALL'S WELL!" + +_Cockney Volunteer_ (_on sentry go_). "Halt! Who goes there?" + +_Rustic._ "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE + +"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his +boots!"] + + * * * * * + +_Elder Sister_ (_coming up_). "Kitty! what have you been saying to +Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!" + +_Kitty_ (_engaged to the Captain_). "I only told him that if he had gone +to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!" + + * * * * * + +WAR NEWS.--"Reports of Conflicts," _i.e._, "Conflicting Reports." + + * * * * * + +"AN ARMED NATION" + + ["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining + the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."--_Daily Press._] + +EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES + +1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, +and then passed on to the next man. + +2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall +be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final. + +3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at +"attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy. + +4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for +so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the +rifle--_i.e._ one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close +his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave +only seven men out of ten unemployed. + +5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the +enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle. + +6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to +wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after +being fired off. + +7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall +not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to +take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary +comrade. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _North Cork Militia Man._ "Am I to shalute him, or no? +Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniral."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL YEOMANRY. + +_Recruit._ "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on +this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is +legs through nohow!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NECESSARY KIT + + ["A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of + necessaries."--_Army Order._] + + It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man, + That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann. + Well, now 'ere's the latest horder--just yer take a read of it-- + That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit. + + Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said! + But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead. + Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit, + For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit. + + They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet, + That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get, + 'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit + If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit. + + But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell, + And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall, + But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit, + If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit. + + * * * * * + +"ADVANCE NOTES" (_Military_).--The bugler's. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Boatswain_ (_to newly-joined cadet_). "Come, my little +man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did +your mother cry when you left?" + +_Cadet._ "Yes, sir." + +_Boatswain._ "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?" + +_Cadet._ "Yes, sir." + +_Boatswain._ "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?" + +_Cadet._ "No, sir." + +_Boatswain._ "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE," &c. + +_Fair Visitor_ (_with a thirst for military knowledge_). "So all the +kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many +pounds of meat do your men eat a day?" + +_Gallant Major._ "Really--er--I've no--er--idea, I'm sure, don't +y'know." + +_Fair Visitor._ "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_to Irish sentry on guard tent_). "Why don't +you face your proper front, sentry?" + +_Sentry._ "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SANDHURST AND ITS MESSES. + +_General Bouncer_ (_on a round of inspection at Sandhurst_). "Augh! Can +you tell me what 'mess' this is?" + +_Cadet._ "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865) + +The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal +hotel.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXPLAINED.--_Auntie_ (_explaining morning manoeuvres of +His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall_). +"Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the +whole lot--and then there's two more!" + + [Youthful niece sees. + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.--_Jack_ (_singing at the top of +his voice_)--"There's only _one_ girl in the world for me!"--_Popular +Song._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [According to the _Daily Telegraph_ zebra mules have been +introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes. + + Would not their introduction--as above--into Whitehall lend a new + and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene? + +] + + * * * * * + +MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST + +ON THE ARMY. + +Astonishing lot of nonsense the _Daily Wire_ prints about military +affairs ... no, I do _not_ waste my time reading it. Any intelligent +citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And +our army is rotten, madam--rotten to the core.... What? That reminds +you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please--I'm not +talking about apples. Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain +common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in +England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I +didn't say they _had_ interfered with us--but just think of the +disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of +defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive +frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him +that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen +to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress +bills--but I was talking about the army. + +Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life +do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating +luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in +horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it, +Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something +then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to +stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No, +I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are +absolutely necessary. + +First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of +brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great +army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve +his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of +English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do +wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll +have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he +comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh? +Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his +training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high +wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system +takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!... +If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the +_Daily Wire_ on the subject. + + * * * * * + + SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the + Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with + the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the + breach for this purpose._ + +_Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's +all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a +bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle +with 'is naked heye! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they +made!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + + The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt, + When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front." + Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack. + Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR RESERVES.--_A.-D.-C_. "What the deuce are you men +doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing +ball cartridge, not blank." + +_Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view +the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought +'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORY.--A review of the Royal (Sub)marines +near the Goodwin Sands. (_You could hardly "tell the Marines" in their +new sub-aqueous uniform._)] + + * * * * * + +DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL MEDALS + +We are happy to announce that the Lords of the Admiralty have issued an +order for the distribution of medals to the officers and seamen who +served in the naval actions hereunder specified. We understand the +medals are of gold, set round with diamonds of the most costly +description. Great caution will be used in the distribution, to prevent +fraud in personating deceased officers, &c. + + A.D. 876. King Alfred's engagement with and destruction of the + Danish fleet. + + --1350. Great sea-fight between the English and the combined fleets + of France and Spain. + + --1588. Destruction of the Spanish Armada. + + --1702. Admiral Benbow's engagement with the French. + + --1761. Siege and capture of Belleisle. + +N.B. No officer or seaman will be entitled to a medal in respect of the +last-mentioned siege, unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was +"there all the while." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATHER SEVERE. + +_Regular_ (_manoeuvring with Yeomanry_). "Got to give up my arms, have +I? Umph! This comes of going out with a lot of darned Volunteers."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: YEOMANRY MANOEUVRES. (FIRST DAY IN CAMP.)--_Officer._ +"What's all this? What are you doing with that cask?" + +_Trooper._ "Tent equipment, sir!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR REVIEW.--The colonel is wondering what manoeuvre he +ought to execute in the circumstances.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANOEUVRES.--_Lieutenant Nobs_ (_just arrived_). "How +long will you take to drive me to the fort, Cabby?" + +_Cabby._ "Ten minutes, Capting, by the shortcut through the halleys. But +the military allus goes the long way round, through the fashionable part +o' the town, yer honour, which takes an hour." + + [_Cabby gets his hour._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TECHNICAL EDUCATION IN THE ARMY. + +_Officer_ (_examining a Mounted Infantry class_). "Well, I think you +understand about the hoof and what the frog is. Now, just tell me where +you would expect to find corns?" + +_Mounted Infantry Recruit_ (_suspecting a catch_). "In the manger, +sir."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MILITARY INTELLIGENCE. + +_Musketry Instructor_ (_who wishes, by simple practical examples, to +bring the fact of the air's resistance and elasticity to the mind of +intelligent pupil, No. 450, Private Jones_), _loq._ "For instance, you +have seen an air-cushion, and felt that it contained something you could +not compress. What was it?" + +_Private Jones_ (_readily_). "'Orse 'air, sir!" + + [_Enthusiastic instructor tries again._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIVERSIONS OF DRILL (1860). + +_Captain of Volunteers._ "Dress back, No. 3, do dress back. Comp'ny! +Fours! As y' were! No. 3, Mr. Buffles, how often am I to speak to you, +sir? Will you dress back, sir; further still, sir. You are not dressed +exactly yet, sir, by a----" + +_Buffles_ (_goaded to madness_). "Bet yer five pounds I am--there!"] + + * * * * * + +LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE + +[Illustration] + +In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the Secretary of State for War +is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing +facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers +and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad +to notice, from the subjoined advertisement, which appeared in the +_Daily News_, that the public themselves are taking the matter in +hand:-- + + TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid for one lady. Light, + comfortable situation. Good wages.--Apply, &c. + +The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that +usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and +"comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to +look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive +occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms. +Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably +wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the +kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog, +larding a pheasant. + + * * * * * + +By the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. _Buzzard_ has been anchored as a +permanent guardship of honour immediately opposite the approach to _Mr +Punch's_ offices in Bouverie Street. The compliment is much appreciated. + + * * * * * + +Further changes in our Navy are announced. Chaplains are to be +abolished, and the navigating officers are to include in their duties +those of sky-pilots. + + * * * * * + +A COCKNEY'S QUESTION ON THE NAVY.--Does a Port Admiral mean an Admiral +who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for +service till he is very old? + + * * * * * + +A JOVIAL CREW.--Jack Tars in a jolly-boat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE SICK BAY. + +_Fleet Surgeon._ "There doesn't seem much wrong with you, my man. What's +the matter?" + +_A. B._ "Well, sir, it's like this, sir. I _eats_ well, an' I _drinks_ +well, an' I _sleeps_ well; but when I sees a job of work--there, I'm all +of a tremble!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FIELD TRAINING NOTES.--(_Aldershot._) _General_ (_to +Irish recruit_). "Can you tell me how many species of pack animals there +are?" + +(_No answer._) + +_General._ "Well, do you know _any_ kind of pack animal?" + +_Recruit_ (_inspired by recollection of many days' pack-drill_.) "Yes, +sorr. A defaulter, sorr!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_who is taking a turn round to see how his +subs are getting along with their road sketching_). "You know, this +won't do. You should be able to _ride_ about the country, and make +sketches as you go." + +_Jones_ (_not getting along at all nicely, thank you_). "Well, sir, if I +could do that, sir, I should chuck up the army, and join a circus!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COULDN'T MAKE 'UN SPEAK." + +_Infuriated C. O. 10th V. B. Mudfordshire Fusiliers_ (_who has ordered +bugler to sound the "Cease fire" several times without effect_). "Don't +you hear me, fellow? Why the deuce don't you sound the 'Cease fire' when +I tell you?" + +_His Bugler._ "If ye plaze, zur, a've blowed a quid o' bacca down spout +t'ould trumputt, awn I can't make un speak!"] + + * * * * * + +SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE + + ["Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, has decided + that the 'quiff' is 'unsoldierly,' and 'disfiguring,' and has + ukased its abolition. The 'quiff' is the forelock worn by Mr. + Thomas Atkins."--_Pall Mall Gazette._] + +_Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German +Army._ + +Dere Ole Sauerkraut,--Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the +Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm +blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in +the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we +gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! I must tell +yer we wears a hartful curl on our forrids wot is knowed as a "quiff," +and I give yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite! Susan (with lots +o' cash as bein' only daughter of a plumber), wot I walks out with, +simply 'angs on to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our colonel +says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to +bloomin' well lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with Susan. + + Yores melancholy-like, + + THOMAS ATKINS. + + * * * * * + + ["The German uniform is to be changed to a grey-brown. The officers + are particularly annoyed at the change, and complain that they + might at least have been allowed to keep the bright buttons on + their tunics. These are also to be dulled down to the new drab + _regime_. Everything that is not strictly utilitarian--tassels, + lace, and decorations--is to be banished from the + parade-ground."--_Westminster Gazette._] + +_Letter from a Private in the German Army to a Private in the British +Army._ + +Mein Gut Friend,--We haf the both trouble much got! You haf the +beautiful Susan _verloren_. I my Katrine am deprived of. Because why? I +was so schmart lookin' in mein regimentalen blue dat Katrine fell in +luff with me on first sighten and called me in ways of fun her "leetle +blue _teufel_"! But now, ach Himmel! she at me _cochet die snooken!_ +"Cuts," as you say. I broken-ar-arted quite am. Because why? The Office +die Warren as us ordered to take off der blue regimentalen. We haf in +brown-grey to dress ourselves. Ah! dirdy, bad, rotten colour! And no +more ze _schon_ buttons to haf that the beating heart of Katrine +conquered. Farewell to Katrine! She brown ates.--Zo longen + + KARL SCHNEIDER. + + * * * * * + +QUERY BY THE NAVY LEAGUE.--Does Brittania rule the waves, or does she +mean to waive her rule? + + * * * * * + +_Commander._ What is your complaint against this boy? + +_Bluejacket._ Well, sir, as I was a-walkin' arft, this 'ere boy, 'e up +an' calls me a bloomin' idjit. Now, 'ow would you like to be called a +bloomin' idjit, supposin' you wasn't one? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERILS OF MIMIC WAR. + +_Motor Lieutenant, Motor Volunteer Corps_ (_to General in his charge_). +"I say, sir, if we"--(_bump!_)--"upset"--(_bang!_)--"shall I +get"--(_bump! bang!_)--"a military funeral too?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Perilous position of a gallant officer of Volunteers, on +a recent march, who (ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hired +charger) chooses the cooling waters of the ford in preference to the +bridge._ "Here! Hi! Help, somebody! Hold on! I mean halt! He won't come +out, and he wants to lie down, and I believe he's going to rear!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NAVAL REVIEW (_From an Antique_)] + + * * * * * + +TRAFALGAR DAY.--(_At the Board School._) _Teacher._ Now can any boy tell +me why Nelson's column was erected in Trafalgar Square? + +_Johnny Grimes_ (_immediately_). Please, sir, to 'elp 'im up to 'eaven, +when 'e died in the arms of the Wictory. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REMOUNTS FOR THE YEOMANRY + +_Horse-buying "Expert."_ "Yes, it certainly does look more like a +'towel-horse' than anything else; still it'll have to do!"--Passed.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "How dreadfully stout the general is getting!" + +"Yes, isn't it fortunate? Otherwise he wouldn't be able to wear all his +medals!"] + + * * * * * + +SOOTHSAYINGS FOR SAILORS + + Augury from fowls of air + Back to Tuscan gramarye dates. + Birds in February pair: + Now then, skippers, choose your mates. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMPERTINENT CURIOSITY + +_Military Man._ "Well! What are yer a starin' at--ain't yer never seed a +sodger before?"] + + * * * * * + +THE FORTUNE OF WAR + +(_A fragment of a Military Romance, to be published a few years hence_) + + ["The long-proposed introduction of motor-cars into the army for + transport purposes is on the point of accomplishment."--_The + Outlook._] + +... "COMRADES!" cried the proud general, addressing his troops (standing +around him in the circular square ordered by the latest drill book), "at +last we are about to reap the reward of our exertions. Thanks to our +trusty motor-cars, we have traversed the desert at an average speed of +twenty-five miles an hour. Our casualties have been few and +insignificant. A dozen or so of the engines blew up, but not more than +fifty men perished by these accidents. We have, indeed, to mourn the +loss of some of the 75th Dragoons, whose motor-car went wrong in its +steering, and rushed at express speed into the middle of a lake. And not +a few of our heroes have been arrested by the native police on the +charge of furious driving, with the result that they now languish in +dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these trifles, compared with the +glory that will soon be ours? The enemy are now within thirty miles of +us--a distance which, with a little extra pressure, we can cover in an +hour. So, forward! Mount motor-cars! Tie down the safety-valves! Seize +starting levers! Now, when I give the word! Are you read----" + +At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him. + +"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! It is impossible!" + +"Impossible?" echoed the general, in amazement. "Why?" + +"For the very good reason that--_we've run out of oil!_" + +A loud groan burst from the army on hearing the dreadful news; the voice +of the general himself shook as he replied: + +"Then, for once, we must ride." + +"You forget, sir," said the other, "that nowadays we have no horses. +Shall we--march?" + +"No!" cried the intrepid leader. "March? Never! Death before dishonour! +Men, your general may have to die a rather unpleasant death; but never, +in this scientific age, never will he insult you by suggesting that you +should walk!" and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this noble +utterance. But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only +possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked +and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed +through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that +its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of +course, and he went out scouting on his own account--as heroes do--in +the last chapter.) + +"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!" + +"Well?" said the general. + +"Yes, it _is_ a well, a well of natural petroleum, in fact, which I have +discovered not half-a-mile away!" + +The general clasped his hand, while the army roared themselves hoarse +with delight. And, an hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the +horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying towards the doomed +enemy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PENALTY OF FAME + +_Small Boy_ (_with shrill voice_). + + "'Fightin'--with--the Sev'nth--Royal Fu-siliers-- + The famous Fu-siliers-- + The fightin' Fu-siliers,'" &c., &c. + +_Irritable War-Office Clerk._ "Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusiliers! +I'm sick of 'em! Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel Islands!" + + [_Does so._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE OF TU QUOQUE.--_She._ "How do you like my new +hat?" + +_Sutherland Highlander._ "By Jove, what extraordinary headgear you women +do wear!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THAT TYRANT MAN. + +_Thomas the Drummer._ "Well, Emmar, you needn't take on so. I loves you +stright enough; but 'angin' round the barrick gates, askin' for me, is +the sort of thing I will not 'ave!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE REFORMS WANTED. + +_Guardsman._ "I just told one of those Volunteer officers that he must +_not_ come on parade with his pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the +demmed impudence to say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his +corps hadn't buttons!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Riding Master._ "I thought you said you could ride?" + +_Candidate for the Imperial Yeomanry._ "Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a +chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK + +_How to make a Recruit._--Take a raw lad from the country (the younger +the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as +much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and +serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be +sworn in, and he will then be nicely done. + +_How to make a Soldier._--Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into +a depot. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has +lost any _esprit de corps_ which may have been floating upon the surface +when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his +strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to +India. + +_Another Method._--Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let +him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept +in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For +three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make him +work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now +reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical +dressing. + +_How to make a Deserter._--A very simple and popular dish. Take a +soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be +identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little +opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter. + +_Another and Simpler Method._--Take a recruit, without inquiring into +his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes. +The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a +fine military hash) any number of times. + +_How to make an Army._--Take a few scores of infantry regiments and +carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses +and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached +generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control +mixture. + +_Another and easier Method._--Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of +paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your +sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water. + +_How to make a Panic._--Take one or two influential newspapers in the +dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add +a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the +whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is +now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished +with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion +relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome, +although extremely expensive. + + * * * * * + +STRIKE OF SEAMEN.--There is one description of strike in which we hope +our sailors will never engage--that of their colours. + + * * * * * + +A LAND SWELL.--A Lord of the Admiralty. + + * * * * * + +THE REVIEW AT SPITHEAD.--It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad +mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO SYMPATHETIC! _Young Yeomanry Officer_ (_airing his +exploits in the war_). "And among other things, don't you know, I had a +horse shot under me." + +_Fair Ignoramus._ "Poor thing! What was the matter with it?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISAGREEABLE TRUTH + +_Soldier._ "Now, then! You must move away from here." + +_Rude Boy._ "Ah! But _you_ mustn't, old feller!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EUPHEMISTIC. + +_Colonel._ "I've never met with a smarter drill than yourself, sergeant, +or one more thoroughly up to all his duties; but you've one most +objectionable habit, and that is your constant use of bad language, and +swearing at the men." + +_Sergeant._ "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: H.M.S. _OBESITY_; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS ARE COMING TO + +_First A.B._ "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!--f-f-f--it's something horful +this morning." (_Distant whistle._) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I +see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?" + +_Second A.B._ "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pass us the +bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake!" + + ["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this + is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five + different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he + should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to + induce obesity, gout, and laziness."--_Dr. Yorke Davies in the + "Daily Telegraph."_] +] + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew has just become a +midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best +aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK.--The Union Jack Tar. + + * * * * * + +NAVAL PROMOTION.--"Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to +_Glory_."--_Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + +FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY.--The chops of the Channel. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet +should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more stable basis!!!"] + + * * * * * + +AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE + +(_A Forecast of the Future_) + + SCENE.--_A lecture-chamber at a military college._ Lecturer + _discovered behind a table_. Students _taking notes_. + +_Lecturer._ I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear +for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain. + + [_Dives under his table._ + +_First Student._ What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the +beginning. + +_Second Student._ It's on "the Militia." + +_Lecturer_ (_emerging from his table in fresh regimentals._) Now, my +men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am +responsible for your well-being. (_Applause, amidst which the_ Lecturer +_resumes his ordinary clothing._) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary +to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer +must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer +any questions. + +_First Student._ Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this +interesting entertainment? + +_Lecturer._ Certainly. To show you, gentlemen, your duty in the +Militia. You will be expected to play many parts. + +_First Student._ But surely not simultaneously? + +_Lecturer._ Why, certainly. The old constitutional force is so +undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of +a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the +chances are that--well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences. +And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be +established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the +civilian. + + [_Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem._ + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Captain Smythe_ (_a good soldier, but no society man, to +his hostess_). "I have to thank you, Mrs. Brown, for an evening which +has been--er--_after two years on the veld_, most enjoyable."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NONE O' YOUR LARKS" (1861) + +_Gigantic Navvy._ "Let's walk between yer, gents; folks 'll think you've +took up a deserter."] + + * * * * * + +PREPARING FOR WAR + +A Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn +manoeuvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the +following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the +original document) have been omitted. They are now published for the +first time:-- + +1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets. +This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old. + +2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by special command of +Generals of Divisions. The above-mentioned officers are reminded (for +their instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive and should be +used as little as possible. + +3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry on any march exceeding three +miles. Commanding officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has recently +greatly increased in value. + +4. In the event of two members of the umpire staff being unable to come +to an agreement about the respective colours of black and white, they +will "draw lots;" _id est_, one of them will throw into the air a coin +of the realm, and before the coin is able to reach the ground, the other +will give the word either "heads" or "tails." The choice of cries will +be optional. Gold coins will be used by general officers, silver by +field officers, and halfpence by all other ranks. + +5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to pursue retiring infantry on +horseback, unless so ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd +(County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County Down), the Connaught +Rangers, and the Royal Irish Fusiliers. + +6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two hundred yards of six +hostile batteries of artillery to watch the practice, or for any other +purpose of instruction, one-tenth of the battalion will be marched to +the rear, and will be considered _hors de combat_ during the remainder +of the campaign. + +7. A village containing one pioneer, one drummer (or bugler) and a +quarter-master-sergeant, will be considered fully garrisoned. It will be +seen that rules of war are to be followed in every particular, down to +the very smallest details, by all concerned in the campaign. + +8. As in the previous series of autumn manoeuvres, _at least_, "five +minutes' notice" will be given when the army is required to march five +miles, or to perform any other military duty requiring zeal, steadiness, +and an intimate acquaintance with "Field Exercises, Edition of 1874, +Part I." + + * * * * * + +SOLVED AT LAST.--_Jawkins._ Why do they always call sailors "tars"? + +_Pawkins._--Because they're so accustomed to the pitching of the ship. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bluejacket_ (_who has been hauled twice round the sick +bay, yelling inarticulately, by the surgeon with the forceps_). "Why, +you 'ad me by the tongue!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VERBAL DIFFICULTY. + +_Irritable Captain._ "Your barrel's disgracefully dirty, sir, and it's +not the first time; I've a good mind to----" + +_Private Flannigan._ "Shure, sor, I niver----" + +_Captain_ (_Irish too_). "Silence, sir, when you spake to an officer!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROYAL SALUTE.--_Officer in charge of battery_ (_in a +fever lest the time of firing should be a second late_). "Why, what are +you about, No. 6? Why don't you serve the sponge?" + +_Bombardier McGuttle._ "Hoots toots! Can na' a body blaw their nose?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TACTICS. + +_Instructor._ "Well, gentlemen, I have endeavoured to explain to you the +theoretical principles governing the movements of the various portions +of a combined force; but I must warn you, that, in practice on an +ordinary field-day, you will probably find it result in hopeless +confusion; while on active service it will be ten times worse!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONCLUSIVE! + +_Volunteer Colonel_ (_swell brewer_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Jenkins, you had +been indulging in potations that were too strong for you!" + + [_Private J. was being "called over the coals" for insubordination at + the inspection._] + +_Private Jenkins_ (_who is still wearing his bayonet on the wrong +side_). "Oh, I couldn't have been drunk, sir, for I never had no more +than one pint o' your ale all the blessed day!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Register-keeper._ "Major Jones first to count. A +miss--nothing." + +_Major Jones._ "I say, sergeant, that's almost an Irish bull, I fancy!" + +_Register-keeper._ "No, sorr, just a simple English miss!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR YEOMANRY. + +_Sergeant Major._ "Number three, where's your sword?" + +_Recruit_ (_who finds practice very different from theory_). "On the +ground. Carn't see 'un?"] + + * * * * * + +MILITARY DIALOGUES + +I + +ARMY REFORM + SCENE.--_The drawing-room of the Colonel's quarters, decorated with + trophies from many lands and water-colour sketches. Mrs. Bulkwise, the + Colonel's wife, a tall, broad and assertive lady, is giving tea to Mrs. + Lyttleton-Cartwright, with the stamp of fashion upon her, and Mrs. + Karmadine, who has a soul for art--both ladies of the regiment. Colonel + Bulkwise, a small and despondent man whose hair is "part-worn" gazes + morosely into the fire_. + +_Mrs. Bulkwise_ (_waving a tea cup_). As surely as woman is asserting +her right to a place in medicine, in law, and in the council, so surely +will she take her proper place in the control of the army. + +_Mrs. Lyttleton-Cartwright._ What a lovely costume one could compose out +of the uniform. I've often tried Jack's tunic on. + +_Mrs. B._ (_severely_). The mere brutal work of fighting, the butchery +of the trade, would still have to be left to the men; but such matters +as require higher intelligence, keener wit, tact, perseverance, should +be, and some day _shall_ be, in our hands. + +_Mrs. Karmadine._ And the beauty and grace of life, Mrs. Bulkwise. +Surely we women, if allowed, could in peace bring culture to the +barrack-room, and garland the sword with bay wreaths? + +_Mrs. B._ Take the War Office. I am told that the ranks of the regiments +are depleted of combatant officers in order that they may sit in offices +in Pall Mall, and do clerical work indifferently. Now, I hold that our +sex could do this work better, more cheaply, and with greater dispatch. + +_Mrs. L.-C._ "Pall-Mall" would be such an excellent address. + +_Mrs. B._ The young men, both officers and civilians, who are employed +waste, so I understand, the time of the public by going out to lunch at +clubs and frequently pause in their work to smoke cigars and discuss the +odds. Now a glass of milk, or some claret and lemonade, a slice of +seed-cake, or some tartlets, brought by a maid from the nearest A. B. C. +shop would satisfy all our mid-day wants. + +_Mrs. L.-C._ And I never knew a woman who couldn't work and talk bonnets +at the same time. + +_Mrs. C._ Just a few palms--don't you think, Mrs. Bulkwise?--in those +dreary, _dreary_ rooms, and some oriental rugs on the floors, and a +little bunch of flowers on each desk would make life so much easier to +live. + + [_Colonel Bulkwise murmurs something unintelligible_. + +_Mrs. B._ What do you say, George? + +_Colonel B. (with sudden fierceness)._ I said, that there are too many +old women, as it is, in the War Office. + +_Mrs. B._ George! + + [_The colonel relapses again into morose silence._ + +_Mrs. B._ The Intelligence Department should, of course, be in our +hands. + +_Mrs. L.-C._ I should just love to run about all the time, finding out +other people's secrets. + +_Mrs. B._ And the Clothing Department calls for a woman's knowledge. The +hideous snuff-coloured garments must be retained for warfare, but with +the new costume for walking out and ceremonial I think something might +be done. + +_Mrs. L.-C._ The woman who makes my frocks is as clever as she can be, +and always has her head full of ideas for those sort of things. + +_Mrs. C._ Michel Angelo did not disdain to design the uniform of the +Swiss Guard. Perhaps Gilbert, or Ford, or Brock might follow in the +giant's footsteps. + +_Col. B._ You ladies always design such sensible clothes for yourselves, +do you not? + + [_He is frozen into silence again._ + +_Mrs. B._ And the education of young officers. From a cursory glance +through my husband's books on law, topography and administration, I +should say that there are no military subjects that the average woman +could not master in a fortnight. Strategy, of course, comes to us by +intuition. The companionship and influence of really good women on +youths and young men cannot be over-rated, and the professors both at +the Staff College and at the Military Academy should be of our sex. + +_Mrs. L.-C._ I always love the boys; but I think some of the staff +college men are awfully stuck up. + +_Mrs. B._ Now as to the regiment. The mess, of course, should be in our +province. + +_Mrs. L.-C._ How ripping. The guest-nights would be lovely dinner +parties, the ante-room we'd use for tea, and the band should always play +from 5 to 6. We'd have afternoon dances every Thursday, and turn the men +out once a week and have a dinner all to ourselves to talk scandal. + + [_The colonel groans._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "REGIMENTAL ORDERS"! + +_Volunteer Captain._ "Ah, Sergeant Jones--didn't I send you an order to +be at headquarters on Monday, at nine o'clock, with a corporal and six +men for duty?" + +_Sergeant._ "Yes, sir. But I think if there was a little more 'request', +and a little less 'order', it would be (_a-hem_)--better!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BOBS" + +An Indian idol--as worshipped by Mr. Thomas Atkins. + +(_The property of the British nation._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BOBS" AS A BOBBIE + + ["CORONATION CLAIMS.--There being no succession to certain offices, + the appointment thereto rests with His Majesty, and the following + are regarded as probable candidates:--Lord High Constable--The Earl + Roberts," &c.--_Vide Daily Mail_, Nov. 19, 1901.] + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SORROWS OF A SUBALTERN + +"Curious way that boy has of salutin'. Don't believe it's correct!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOG!--_(A romance of real life.)_ + +_The Gallant Major._ "I beg a thousand pardons for the apparent liberty +I take as an entire stranger, but may I make so bold as to ask you, is +not this one of that wonderful breed of black or Chinese pugs?" + +_The Pretty Lady (most condescendingly)._ "Yes, you are perfectly right, +and if I am not mistaken, you are Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth +Hussars." + + [_From that moment they became fast friends, and within the next + three months there appeared in the "Morning Post," 'A marriage has + been arranged between Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars, + and Mrs. Bellairs,' &c., &c._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ONE OF OUR CONQUERORS." + +_Imperial Yeoman._ "Much obliged if you would pick up my sword for me."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOMMY'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON AS IT WILL BE + + ["It has been decreed in several line battalions that in future no + soldier will be allowed to walk arm-in-arm in the street with a + female."--_Daily Paper._] + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Oh! I say! 'E 'as got eyes after all!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doctor._ "Don't feel well, eh? Appetite all right?" + +_Tommie._ "Eat like a wolf, sir." + +_Doctor._ "Sleep well?" + +_Tommie._ "As sound as a dog, sir." + +_Doctor._ "Oh, you'd better see the vet.!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE JOKE THAT FAILED + +_Lubber._ "I say, Jack, do you know why they've painted the ships grey +in time of _peace_?" + +_Jack._ "I s'pose 'cos it's a _neutral_ tint!" + + [_But the other didn't laugh. He intended making that witticism + himself._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S.---- + +"I say, why am I like the Queen's chief cook? Do you give it up?" + +"Yes." + +"Because I am in a high cool-and-airy (_culinary_) position." + + [_Astonished cadet nearly falls from the yard_. + +You young monkey, how dare you joke up in the air like that? However, we +look over it this time.--_Punch_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: An economical mode of putting troops into white +trowsers.] + + * * * * * + +REGULATIONS FOR YEOMANRY OUTPOSTS + +(_Aldershot Edition_) + +1. Never recognise your enemy when you meet him on the road, in case you +might be compelled to take him prisoner and so cause unpleasantness and +unseemly disturbance. + +2. Advanced guards should walk quietly and without ostentation into the +enemy's main body, and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, or +buildings for an unobtrusive cyclist patrol. To do so might cause the +enemy annoyance. + +3. An advance guard, if surrounded, will surrender without noise or +alarm. To make any would disturb the main body, who like to march in a +compact and regular formation. + +4. Never allow your common-sense to overcome your natural modesty so far +as to induce you to report to a superior officer the presence of the +enemy in force. You will only acquire a reputation for officiousness by +doing so. + +5. Always attack an enemy in front. It is unsportsmanlike and +unprofessional to attack the flanks. + +6. When retiring before an attack maintain as close a formation as the +ground will admit of, and retire directly upon the main infantry +support. You will thus expose yourselves to the fire of both your own +friends and the enemy, and as blank cartridge hurts nobody it will add +to the excitement of the operation. + +7. It is more important to roll your cloaks and burnish your bits than +to worry about unimportant details of minor tactics. + +8. Since a solitary horseman never attracts the enemy's attention, be +careful to take up a position in compact formation; to do so by files +might escape observation. + +9. When being charged by the enemy, go fours about and gallop for all +you are worth; it is just as agreeable to be prodded in the back as in +the chest, and gives the enemy more satisfaction. To extend, or work to +the flanks, might deprive your enemy of useful experience. + +10. Never cast your eyes to the direction from which the enemy is not +expected, as that is the usual direction of his real attack, and it is +not polite to spoil the arrangement of your friend the enemy. + +11. Lastly, remember that the best motto for Yeomanry Troopers is "Point +de Zele." + + * * * * * + +OUR RIFLE VOLUNTEERS + +_A Peace Song_ (1859) + +(_Composed and volunteered by Mr. Punch_) + + Some talk of an invasion + As a thing whereat to sneeze, + And say we have no occasion + To guard our shores and seas: + Now, _Punch_ is no alarmist, + Nor is moved by idle fears, + But he sees no harm that we all should arm + As Rifle Volunteers! + + Let sudden foes assail us, + 'Tis well we be prepared; + Our Fleet--who knows?--may fail us, + Nor serve our shores to guard. + For self-defence, then, purely, + Good reason there appears, + To have, on land, a force at hand + Of Rifle Volunteers! + + To show no wish for fighting, + Our forces we'd increase; + But 'tis our foes by frighting + We best may keep at peace, + For who will dare molest us + When, to buzz about their ears, + All along our coast there swarms a host + Of Rifle Volunteers! + + Abroad ill winds are blowing, + Abroad war's vermin swarm; + What _may_ hap there's no knowing, + We may not 'scape the storm. + Athirst for blood, the Eagles + May draw our dove's nest near; + But we'll scare away all birds of prey + With our Rifle Volunteers! + + No menace we're intending, + Offence to none we mean, + We arm but for defending + Our country and our Queen! + To British hearts 'tis loyalty + 'Tis love her name endears: + Up! then, and form! shield her from harm + Ye Rifle Volunteers! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The above is _not_ a war picture. It merely represents an +incident in the too realistic scouting manoeuvres of the Blankshire +Yeomanry. Poor Mr. and Mrs. Timmins thought at least the country had +been invaded.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _De Voeux._ "My grandfather, you know, lived till he +was ninety-eight." + +_Trevor Carthew._ "Well, my grandmother died at the age of +ninety-seven." + +_Brown._ "In _my_ family there are several who are not dead yet!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIGNITY IN DISTRESS. + +_Small Boys_ (_to Volunteer Major in temporary command_). "I say, +guv'nor--hi! Just wipe the blood off that 'ere sword!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORE AND---- + +_Sergeant._ "Back a little, number five!"] + +[Illustration:----AFT! + +_Sergeant._ "Up a little, number five!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR RESERVES! + +_Aide-de-Camp (at the review)._ "What are you doing here, sir? Where's +your regiment?" + +_Party on the Grass._ "Shure I don' know. Bu-r I don't rec'nise your +'thority, gov'nour!" + +_Aide-de-Camp (furious)._ "What the deuce d'you mean, sir? You're a +Volunteer, aren't you?" + +_Party on the Grass._ "_(Hic!)_ Norabirofit!--Was jus' now--bu-r I've +reshigned 'n cons'quence--temp'ry indishposition!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SUMMING UP." + +_Captain._ "What's the charge, sergeant?" + +_Sergeant._ "This time it's drunkenness, sir. But this man is the most +troublesome fellow in the regiment, sir. He goes out when he likes, and +comes in when he likes, and gets drunk when he likes--in fact, he might +be a horficer!!"] + + * * * * * + +CHAT A LA MODE. + +_Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the stats of the Navy +in a first-class compartment._ + +_Brown._ My dear fellows, I can assure you we are in a terrible +condition of unpreparedness. If France was to declare war to-morrow we +should be nowhere--absolutely nowhere! + +_Jones._ You mean, of course, with Russia. + +_Robinson._ Or was it Italy? + +_Brown._ It doesn't matter which. I fancy that France alone could tackle +us. Why, a man was telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was +seized--as it might be--we should not get a ship-load of wood for +months--yes, for months! + +_Jones._ But what has Gibraltar to do with it? + +_Robinson._ Why, of course, it guards our approaches to the Suez Canal. + +_Brown._ Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But what we want is a +hundred millions to be spent at once. Cobden said so, and I agree with +Cobden. + +_Jones._ But upon what? + +_Robinson._ Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and subsidising the Ameer. + +_Brown._ I don't think that sort of thing is of much importance. But if +we had a hundred millions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase +our coaling stations, and build new ships, and double the navy, and do +all sorts of things. + +_Jones._ But I thought we were fairly well off for coaling stations, had +lots of ships on the stocks, and, with the assistance of our merchant +marine, an ample supply of good sailors. + +_Robinson._ That's what all you fellows say! But wait till we have a +war, then you will see the fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should +buy the entire fleet of the world. There should be no other competitor. +Britannia should _really_ rule the waves. + +_Brown._ Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important +matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on +anything and everything. And it's no use having further discussion +because that was Cobden's view of it, and so it is mine. + +_Jones._ Where is it to come from--out of the rates? + +_Brown and Robinson_ (_together_). Certainly not. + +_Jones._ Or the taxes? + +_Brown and Robinson_ (_as before_). Don't be absurd. + +_Jones._ Well, it must come from somewhere! Can you tell me where? + +_Robinson._ Why should we? + +_Brown._ Yes, why should we? Even Cobden didn't go so far as that, +and----But, here we are at the station. + + [_Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation._ + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASTER MANOEUVRES. + +_Extract from Private Letter.--April 1._ + +"I'm afraid Milly and I have put our respective feet in it this time. We +thought we would test our capacities at hospital work, and attach +ourselves to pa's regiment--of course, without telling pa--and were +getting along quite nicely with a soldier who wasn't very well, when we +met pa and the General and his regiment. They took away the patient, and +judging from pa's looks, there's a warm time coming."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS + +The new helmet as ordinarily | The same, as worn on +worn. | motor duty. + +_Directions:_--Simply unhook the lower portion of the helmet; thereby +extending the collapsible weather-and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as +a disguise.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FLAG WAGGING + +_Sergeant of Signallers._ "What ai's Murphy to-day? He don't seem able +to take in a thing!" + +_Private Mulvaney._ "Shall I signal to 'im, 'Will ye 'ave a drink?'?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TU QUOQUE. + +_Army Candidate._ "And I only muffed one thing in the geography paper. +Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Macassar were!" + +_Fond Father._ "Oh, I say, you ought to have known that. Fancy--the +Straits of Macassar!" + +_Army Candidate._ "Well, I didn't, anyhow. By the way, where are they, +dad?" + +_Fond Father._ "Oh--where are they? Oh--er--they're--well, they're---- +but don't you think we'd better go to lunch?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HORSE-MARINE + +_Club Wag._ "Well, good-night, Admiral." + +_Warrior._ "There's a stupid joke. Admiral! Can't you see my spurs?" + +_Wag._ "Oh, I thought they were your twin screws."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry_ (_on the simultaneous approach of two persons_). +"Who goes there?--two ways at once!"] + + * * * * * + +MILITARY DIALOGUES + +II + +ARMY REFORM + + SCENE.--_The canteen of the Rutlandshire Regiment, at Downboro', an + airy, plastered hall with high windows. A bar at one end is backed + by a rampart of beer barrels. A double line of barrack tables and + benches runs down the room. The hour is 5 p.m. At one of the tables + sits Mr. W. Wilson, late Private in the regiment, in all his glory + of a new check suit with an aggressive pattern, a crimson tie, a + horseshoe pin, an aluminium watch-chain, a grey "bowler" and a + buttonhole of violets. Privates W. and G. Smith, P. Brady, E. Dudd + and other men of H. company are at the table, or standing near it._ + +_Mr. Wilson (passing round a great tin measure containing beer, after +taking a preliminary pull himself)._ Of course I do 'ear more, being in +the smoke, than you 'ear down in this provincial 'ole; and there's +generals and statesmen and such-like comes and stays at our place, and +when they gets tied up in a knot over any military question, as often as +not they says, "Let's ask Wilson, the under-gardener. 'E's a +hex-military man; 'e's a 'ighly intellergent feller"; and I generally +gets them out of their difficulty. + +_Pte. W. Smith._ D'ye know anything about this army reform? + +_Mr. Wilson (with lofty scorn)._ Do I know anything about it? + +_Pte. G. Smith._ D'ye think they're going to make a good job of it? + +_Mr. Wilson._ Naaw. And why? Becos they're goin' the wrong wai to work. +They're arskin the opinion of perfeshernal hexperts and other sich +ignoramuses, and ain't goin' to the fountain 'ead. Oo's the backbone of +the English service? + +_Pte. P. Brady._ The Oirish private. + +_Mr. Wilson._ Right you are, my 'Ibernian--always subsitooting British +for Hirish--and the British compiny is the finest horganisation in the +world. Give the private a free 'and and a rise of pay, and make the +compiny the model of the army, and then yer can put all the hexperts +and all the Ryle Commissions and their reports to bed. + +_Pte. Dudd._ As how? + +_Mr. Wilson._ As 'ow, yer old thick head? It's as plain as a pike-staff. +Taike this question of responsibility. When some one comes a bloomer, +and the paipers all rise 'ell, the civilian toff, 'oos a sort of a +commander-in-chief in a Sunday coat and a chimney-pot 'at, 'e says, "It +ain't me. Arsk the real commander-in-chief," and the feeld-marshal 'e +says, "Arsk the hadjutant-general," and the hadjutant-general, 'e says, +"Arsk the hordnance bloke." Now in the compiny there ain't none of that. +If the colonel goin' round at kit inspection finds the beds badly made +up, or jags and sight-protectors deficient, or 'oles in the men's socks, +'e goes fierce for the captin' and threatens to stop 'is leave; and the +captin' don't say, "Oh, it's the hadjutant, or the quarter-master, or +the chaplain what's to blame," no, 'e gives the subalterns and the +coloured-sergeant beans, and they slip it in to the sergeants and +corprils in charge of squads, and the beds is set up straight, and the +men put down for jags and sight-protectors, and the 'oles in the socks +is mended. + +_Pte. W. Smith._ That's so, old pal. What else would you recermend? + +_Mr. Wilson_ (_reaching out for the measure)._ Thank yer. This 'ere +army-reforming's a dry job. Now as to the metherd of attack. When the +regiment goes out field-firing the henemy's a line of hearthenware pots, +touched up on the sly by the markers with a dash of white; the captains +count the telergraph posts up the range and give the exact distance; and +the men goes 'opping along in line like crows on a ploughed field, the +sergeantes a-naggin' 'em about the 'Ithe position and the coprils +calling them back to pick up empty cartridge cases. Is that the wai, +that you, George Smith, and you, Bill, and you, Pat, used ter creep up +to the rabbit warrens when we used ter go out in the herly morning to +assist the farmers to keep down the ground gime--poaching the colonel +called it? No, we hexecuted wide turning movements and never showed no +more than the tip of a nose. Let drill of attack alone, I say, and +develop the sporting hinstinct of the private. + +_Omnes._ 'Ear, 'ear. + +_Mr. Wilson._ And this matter of mobility. Why, if you or me or any of +us was on furlough at 'Ampstead or Margit, we was never off a 'orse's or +a moke's back as long as the dibs lasted. Give us the brass, and we'll +find the mobility. + +_Pte. W. Smith._ Why don't yer write to the Prime Minister, and give him +your ideas? + +_Mr. Wilson._ I shall. A few hintelligent ex-privates in the Cabinet, a +rise of pay for privates and two days' rabitting, and a trip to Margit +every week would sive the British Army. + + * * * * * + +TRAMPS + + ["In spite of the demand for recruits, the number of tramps remain, + undiminished."--_Daily Paper._] + + Why does not patriotic fire + My all too torpid heart inspire + With irresistible desire + To seek the tented camp, sir, + Where Glory, with her bronze V.C., + Waits for the brave, perhaps for me? + Because I much prefer to be + A lazy, idle tramp, sir. + + I toil not, neither do I spin. + For me, the laggard days begin + Hours after all my kith and kin + Are weary with their labours; + The heat and burden of the day + They bear, poor fools, as best they may, + While I serenely smoke my clay + And pity my poor neighbours. + + When Afric burns the trooper brown, + By leafy lanes I loiter down + Through Haslemere to Dorking town, + Each Surrey nook exploring; + Or 'neath a Berkshire hay-rick I + At listless length do love to lie, + And watch the river stealing by + Between the hills of Goring. + + Why should I change these dear delights + For toilsome days and sleepless nights, + And red Bellona's bloody rites + That bear the devil's stamp, sir? + Let others hear the people cry + "A hero he!"--I care not, I, + So I may only live and die, + A lazy, idle tramp, sir. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A COUNTRY HOUSE. + +"Well, my dear Admiral, and how did you sleep?" + +"Not at all, General. Confounded butterfly flew in at the window, and +was flopping around all night--couldn't get a wink of sleep." + +"Ah, dashed dangerous things, butterflies!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL" (1875) + +_First Driver (after a long day)._ "The 'orse 'rtillery's a-getting +quite aristercratic. It don't dine till eight o'clock!!" + +_Second Driver._ "Stroikes me to-morrow the 'orse 'rtillery'll be too +aristercratic to dine at all!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ENEMY. + +_Horrid Boy to newly-appointed Volunteer Major, (who finds the military +seat very awkward_). "Sit further back, General! You'll make his 'ead +ache!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AUTUMN MANOEUVRES. + +No, this is not heroism; this is simply discretion. Little Plumpleigh +has just given "Charge!" and taken one look behind to see if his men are +"backing him up, don't you know," and he is now making for safety!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _War-office Genius._ "Now _this_ is another of my +brilliant ideas, the shelter trench exercise. Of course, I _know_ the +trench is the wrong way about, and that, when they have finished it, +they have to fire into the wood they are defending, and then turn about +and charge away from the wood, but, THEN! _we_ get a capital bank and +ditch made round our plantations, with practically _no_ expense!" + +_Mr. Punch._ "And this is what you call instructing the Volunteers?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Bluejacket._ "Well, matey, wot 'appened?" + +_Second Bluejacket._ "Lieutenant, '_e_ reports as 'ow I were dirty, an' +my 'ammick weren't clean, an' captin, '_e_ ses, 'Wash 'is bloomin' neck, +scrub 'is bloomin' face, an' cut 'is bloomin' 'air, every ten +minnits!'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Volunteer Captain (acting Major first time)._ "Now then! +What are you boys staring at? Did you never see a war-horse before?" + +_Boys (who had followed expecting a "spill.")_ "Aye--we've whiles seen a +waur horse, but never a waur rider!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AD VALOREM. + +_(Energetic Sub has been pursuing runaway mule)._ "Well done, old chap! +You deserve the D.S.O. at least. What is it? Ammunition?" "Ammunition! +D.S.O.!! V.C., you mean!!!! Why, it's bottled beer!!!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MONEY "TIGHT." + +_British Subaltern._ "By-the-by, Smith, can you lend me that sovereign I +gave you this morning for a Christmas-box?!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR RESERVES. + +_Captain of Rural Corps (calling over the roll)._ "George Hodge!" _(No +answer.)_ "George Hodge!--Where on earth's George Hodge?" + +_Voice from the ranks._ "Please, sir, he's turned dissenter, and says +fighting's wicked."] + + * * * * * + +THE BUSY BISLEY + +SCENE--_Within measurable distance of Woking. Enter lounger and marksman +R. and L._ + +_Lounger (heartily)._ Why, I _am_ glad to see you! And how are things +going on? + +_Marksman (cordially, but abruptly)._ Capitally! Good-bye! + +_Loung._ But I say, what a hurry you are in! Can't you stop a minute for +a chat? + +_Marks._ Another time, but just now moments are precious. + +_Loung._ But I say, you see I have found myself here--it doesn't take +much longer than getting down to Wimbledon. + +_Marks._ Of course it doesn't--whoever said it did? But there, old chap, +I _must_ be off! + +_Loung._ You are in a hurry! Ah, we used to have pleasant days in the +old place? + +_Marks._ Did we? I daresay we did. + +_Loung._ Why, of course! Grand old days! Don't you remember what fun it +used to be decorating your tent; and then, when the ladies came +down--which they did nearly all the day long--what larks it was getting +them tea and claret-cup? + +_Marks._ Very likely. But we don't have many ladies now, and a good job, +too--they _are_ a bore. + +_Loung._ Well, you _are_ a chap! Why, how can there be any fun without +your sisters, and your cousins, and your maiden aunts? + +_Marks._ We don't want fun. But there, good-bye! + +_Loung._ But I say, I have come all this way to look you up. + +_Marks. (unbending)._ Very kind of you, my dear fellow, you have chosen +rather an unfortunate time. + +_Loung._ Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing to do! + +_Marks._ Very likely. But then Bisley isn't Wimbledon. + +_Loung. (dryly)._ So it seems. Everyone said that when they moved the +camp further away from home, they would ruin the meeting. + +_Marks._ Then everyone was wrong. Why, we are going on swimmingly. + +_Loung._ It must be beastly dull. + +_Marks._ Not at all. Lovely country, good range, and, after it rains, +two minutes later it is dry as bone. + +_Loung._ Yes, but it stands to reason that it _can't_ be as popular as +Wimbledon. + +_Marks._ My dear fellow, figures are the best test of that. In all the +history of the Association we never had more entries than this year. + +_Loung._ That may be, but you don't have half the fun you had nearer +town. + +_Marks. (laughing)._ Don't want to! Business, my dear fellow, not +pleasure! And now, old man, I really _must_ be off. Ta! ta! See you +later. + + [_Exit._ + +Loung. Well, whatever he may say, I prefer Wimbledon. And as there +doesn't seem much for _me_ to do down here, I shall return to town. + + [_Does so. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irascible Lieutenant (down engine-room tube)._ "Is there +a blithering idiot at the end of this tube?" + +_Voice from Engine-room._ "Not at this end, sir!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VOLO EPISCOPARI. + +_Festive Middy._ "I say, guv'nor! I think you must rather like being +Bishop here!" + +_His Lordship._ "Well, my boy, I hope I do! But why do you ask?" + +_Festive Middy._ "Oh, I've just been taking a walk through the +city,--and I _say_!--there _is_ an uncommonly good-looking lot o' girls +about, and _no_ mistake!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NASTY ONE. + +_Colonel Smithson (of the Poonah Marines)._ "By the way, my boy at +Sandhurst hopes to get into your regiment some day." + +_Little Simpson (of the Royal Hussars Green)._ "Aw--I--aw hope your son +is up to _our form!_" + +_Colonel Smithson._ "_Your form!_ Dash it, he's over four feet high, +anyhow!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAUTION. + +_Old Gent (with difficulty)._ "Now really--Oh! this dis--graceful +crowding--I'm--I'm positive my gun will go off!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHEEK. + +_(The regiment is about to "march out" with twenty rounds of "blank +cartridge.")_ + +_Sub-Lieutenant (of twenty-four hours' service)._ "Whereabouts is this +pyrotechnic display of yours coming off, Colonel!!?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT PORTSMOUTH. + +_Jack._ "Well, Polly lass, if it's true as 'ow you're going to get +spliced to Bill, all I 'opes is that he'll stick to you through thick +and thin!" + +_Polly._ "Well, 'e _ought_ to, Jack. 'E works in a glue factory."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Awful bore, dear old chap. War offith won't have me, +thimply becauth my eyethight ith tho doothed bad!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARMS OF PRECISION + +_Volunteer Subaltern (as the enemy's scout continues to advance in spite +of expenditure of much "blank" ammunition)._ "If that infernal yeoman +comes any nearer, shy stones at him, some of you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FORLORN HOPE + +_Captain O'Dowd (of the firm of O'Dowd and Jones, stock-jobbers)._ +"What'll I do now? It's beyond me jumpin' powers, an' if I wade I'll be +wet to the waist." _(To Private Halloran, who in civil life is a +stockbroker's clerk)._ "Here, Halloran, I want a carry over. You do it +for me, an' I'll not forget it to you, me lad." + +_Private Halloran._ "Sorry I can't, Captain. You know carryin'-over day +is not till the sixteenth, an' this is only the seventh!"] + + * * * * * + +A LAY OF THE UNION JACK + +(_By a patriotic Cockney_) + + Though I feel less at home on the bounding wave + Than I do on the firm dry land, + I can spin you a yarn of a right good craft + That is true-British owned and manned. + The winds may blow, and the storms may beat, + And the hurricanes rage and roar, + But "the ship I love" on her course will hold + With the Union Jack at the fore. + + Fair weather or foul, she ploughs along, + Leaving far astern the strand, + And many a towering sister bark + We pass on the starboard hand, + And, Westward ho! as we bear away! + I can count stout ships galore, + Abeam, in our wake, and ahead, that fly + The Union Jack at the fore. + + And the sight of the flag that has swept the seas, + Nor ever has known disgrace, + Makes even a landlubber's bosom swell + With the pride of his English race. + At that gallant sight in my landsman's heart + I rejoice--and rejoice still more + That I'm only aboard of a road-car 'bus, + With the Union Jack at the fore! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "USED TO IT!"--_Officer at firing-point (who thinks that +it's raining)._ "Sergeant Mauchline, hadn't you better wear your +greatcoat till it's your turn to fire?" _Sergeant Mauchline (frae the +"Land of Lorne")._ "Hoo! Nothe noo! I'll pit it on when it comes wat!"] + + * * * * * + +DO'S AND DONT'S FOR VOLUNTEERS + +1. DON'T go to camp. But if you do, + +2. Don't get up when revally sounds. You'll find adjutant's parade +in the early morning, the very early morning, such a beastly bore, +and so bad for the liver that it is far wiser to stay in the +"palliasse"--(besides, hasn't your doctor often told you that it is +madness to suppose you can play such tricks at your time of life?)--they +can only give you a few years' imprisonment for repeated mutinous +conduct, and you could doubtless petition the Home Secretary for an +aggravation of your sentence. + +3. Don't submit to harsh or cursory remarks from the adjutant. Do answer +him back. You know quite well that in private life you would not put up +with his hasty, ill-considered and offensive language, nor permit him to +hector you because your collar was not clean, and if you _have_ come on +parade without cleaning your belt or rifle, what right has he to say +that it makes him furious? Do point out to him how absurd it is to +expect such minute attention to discipline on the part of so +intelligent a volunteer as yourself. + +4. Don't overtax your strength or weaken your heart by "doubling" up +impossible hills, merely because the colonel (on a horse) thinks it +looks pretty. Of course you would be perfectly ready to do anything that +was necessary, but how can the empire's safety depend upon your losing +your wind, when the enemy are some of your oldest friends, with a +handkerchief tied round their sleeves? + +5. Do insist upon having hot water to shave with, and an extra blanket +when the nights get chilly. Very probably the captain of your company +would turn out of his bed and take your palliasse if you asked him +nicely. + +6. Don't do any menial or degrading work, such as cleaning cooking +utensils or greasing your own boots. The Government ought to know that +gentlemen can't be expected to do that kind of work, and should provide +an efficient staff of servants. + +7. Don't do anything you would rather not. + +8. Do set all military discipline at defiance. You probably know much +better than your officers. + +9. Don't blame me if you find yourself in prison. + +10. Do make a stern resolution never to come to camp again. + +11. Don't keep it. + + * * * * * + +BUTS AT BISLEY + +_(Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast)_ + +The shooting could not be more satisfactory _but_ for the customary +"accident." + +Everyone would make a "bull" _but_ for the haze and the shiftiness of +the wind. + +The catering is in every way excellent, _but_ heavy meals scarcely +assist in getting on the target. + +It is delightful to entertain visitors--especially ladies--at the camp, +_but_ champagne-cup and provisions generally run into money. + +It is healthy to sleep under canvas, _but_ when the thermometer marks +ninety in the shade or the rain pours down in torrents a bed in an inn +is preferable. + +Bisley is a beautiful place, _but_ Woking cemetery is a dismal +neighbour. + +Distinctly it is nobly patriotic to spend a fortnight with the N. R. A., +in the cause of the fatherland, _but_ is it quite worth the trouble? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Swagger Yeomanry Officer._ "Bring out my charger." + +_Job-master's Foreman._ "Very sorry, sir, but e's just gorn to a +funeral!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HE ALWAYS WONDERED HIMSELF. + +(Scene--_General Inspection of Volunteer Battalion. Lieut. +Tompkins--excellent fellow, but poor soldier--called out to show the +General and British public what he knows._) + +_General._ "Now, sir, you now have the battalion in quarter +column facing south. How would you get into line, in the quickest +possible way, facing north-east?" + +_Tompkins (after much fruitless consideration)._ "Well, sir, do you +know, that's always what I've wondered." + + [_Report on subaltern officers--bad._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Miserable Sub (left at the depot)._ "I can't +think, for the life of me, what excuse for two days' leave I'm to give +the C. O. I've already weighed in with every one I can think of." + +_Second M. S._ "Easy enough, old chap. Kill your grandmother." + +_First M. S._ "Can't, dear boy. I'm keeping her for the Derby!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE WAY WE HAD IN THE ARMY." (1877). + +_Colonel (of the pre-examination period--to studious sub)._ "I say, +youngster, you'll never make a soldier if you don't mind what you're +about!" + +_Sub (mildly)._ "I should be sorry to think that, sir!" + +_Colonel._ "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking +like a Methodist parson in reduced circumstances!--Hold up your head, +sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the +windows!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "The 'orrid mess master made my kitching in, and hisself +too, a-cleaning that there dratted rifle, after he'd been a booviackin' +in the park!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DILEMMA. + +_Auxiliary Recruit (to himself)._ "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now? +'Drill-sarjint tould me always to salute me officer with the far-off +hand, and here's two iv 'em! Faix, I'll make it straight for meself +anyhow!" + + [_Throws up both hands._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OFF!" + +_Sergeant O'Leary._ "Double! Left! Right! What the blazes, Pat Rooney, +d'ye mane by not doublin' wid the squad?" + +_Pat._ "Shure, sergeant, 'twasn't a fair start"!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LUCUS A NON," &c. + +_(Aiming drill.)_ + +_Musketry Instructor._ "Now, then! How do you 'xpect to see the hobject +haimed at, if you don't keep your heye closed?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR MANOEUVRES. + +_Captain of Skirmishers (rushing in to seize picket sentries of the +enemy)._ "Hullo! He-ar! You surrender to this company!" + +_Opposition Lance-Corporal._ "Beg pardon, sir! It's the other way, sir. +We're a brigade, sir!!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MILITARY ARDOUR. + +_Sentry (with mixed ideas of manual and platoon)._ "Gar'd t'n out!" + +_Commandant._ "Bless you, sir, what are you about?" + +_Sentry._ "Shure, I'm waitin' for the worr'd foire!" + + [Extract from Field Exercise or Red Book, pocket edition, page + 356:--_Sentries paying compliments:_ "To field officers he will + _present_ arms." + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VOLUNTEER TACTICS AT OUR AUTUMN MANOEUVRES. + +_Captain Wilkinson (excitedly, to Major Walker, of the firm of +Wilkinson, Walker, & Co., Auctioneers and Estate Agents)._ "Don't you +think we'd better bring our right wing round to attack the enemy's +flank, so as to prevent their occupying those empty houses we have to +let in Barker's Lane?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POSER. + +_Sergeant-Major._ "Now, Private Smith, you know very well none but +officers and non-commissioned officers are allowed to walk across this +grass!" + +_Private Smith._ "But, sergeant-major, I've Captain Graham's verbal +orders to----" + +_Sergeant-Major._ "None o' that, sir! Show me the captain's verbal +orders! Show'm to me, sir!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "FOLLOW MY LEADER!" + +Captain Barble (East Suffolkshire R. V.) going to drill, has occasion to +pass a certain window for reasons best known to himself. A vague idea +possesses him that something is wrong somehow, or what should create +such amusement on this occasion!] + + * * * * * + +MILITARY DIALOGUES + +III + +HOW IT SHOULD NOT BE DONE + + _Interior of a dreary room in the War Office. A tired-looking young + officer, in mufti, sits at a table with great piles of papers, each + bundle tied with red tape and ticketed with labels of different + colours, on one side of it ready to his hand. Another pile of + papers, which he has already dealt with, is on the other side of the + table. He is an official and has many letters, the first two being + D. A. after his name. The gas has just been lighted. A clerk brings + in another fat bundle of papers._ + +_The Officer (patting the smaller pile on the table)._ These can go on, +Smithers. That question of sardine-openers must go back to the +commissariat, and the General commanding the Central District must be +authorised to deal on his own responsibility with the matter of the +fierce bull in the field where the recruits bathe. What have you got +there? + +_The Clerk._ It is the correspondence, sir, relative to that false tooth +requisitioned for by the officer commanding the Rutlandshire Regiment +for the first cornet of the band. The Medical Department sent it back to +us this morning, and there is another letter in from the Colonel, +protesting against his regiment being forced to go route marching to an +imperfect musical accompaniment. + +_The Officer (groaning)._ I thought we had got rid of that matter at +last by sending it to the doctors. + +_The Clerk._ No, sir. The Surgeon-General has decided that "one tooth, +false, with gold attachment," cannot be considered a medical comfort. + +_The Officer (taking a precis from the top of the papers)._ I suppose we +must go into the matter again. It began with the letter from the Colonel +to the General? + +_The Clerk._ Yes, sir, here it is. The O. C. the Rutland Regiment has +the honour to report that the first cornet player in the band has lost +a tooth, and as the band has become inefficient in the playing of +marching music in consequence, he requests that a false tooth may be +supplied at Government expense. + +_The Officer._ And the General, of course, replied in the usual formula +that he had no fund available for such purpose. + +_The Clerk._ Yes, sir; but suggested that the regimental band fund might +be drawn on. + +_The Officer._ Where is the Colonel's letter in reply. (It is handed to +him.) Ah, yes. Band fund is established, he writes, for purchase of +musical instruments and music, and not for repair of incomplete +bandsmen, and refuses to authorise expense, except under order from the +Commander-in-Chief. + +_The Clerk._ The General sends this on to us with a remark as to the +Colonel's temper. + +_The Officer._ And we pass it to the Quarter-Master-General's people, +suggesting that under certain circumstances a false tooth might be +considered a "necessary," and a free issue made. + +_The Clerk._ A very long memo, on the subject, in reply, from the +Q.-M.-G., sir. He points out that though, under exceptional +circumstances, a pair of spectacles might be held to be a +sight-protector, a false tooth could not be held to be either a fork, a +spoon, a shaving-brush, a razor, or even an oil bottle. + +_The Officer._ We wrote back suggesting that it might pass as a +"jag"--our little joke. + +_The Clerk._ _Your_ little joke, sir. The Q.-M.-G.'s people didn't see +it. + +_The Officer._ No? Then the correspondence goes on to the Ordnance +Department, with a suggestion that a false tooth might be considered an +arm or an accoutrement. + +_The Clerk._ The Director-General replies, sir, that in the early days +of the British Army, when the Army Clothing Department's sole issue was +a supply of woad, a tooth, or indeed a nail, might have reasonably been +indented for as a weapon, but that, owing to the introduction and +perfection of fire-arms, such weapons are now obsolete and cannot be +issued. + +_The Officer._ And now the Medical Service refuse to help us. + +_The Clerk._ Yes, sir. They cannot bring the fixing of it under the +head of surgical operations, and the Surgeon-General points out very +justly, if I may be permitted to say so, sir, that a seal-pattern false +tooth could hardly be considered a "medical comfort." + +_The Officer._ What are we to do? The Colonel of the regiment is +evidently furious. + +_The Clerk._ We might send the correspondence to the Inspector of Iron +Structures. He may be able to do or suggest something. + +_The Officer._ Very well; and will you send off this telegram to my wife +saying I have a long evening's work before me, and that I shall not be +able to get back to dinner to-night? (_Exit the Clerk._) Whenever will +they trust a General Commanding a District to spend for the public good +on his own responsibility a sum as large as a schoolboy's allowance, and +so take some of the unnecessary work off our shoulders? + + [_He tackles wearily another file of papers._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNDER COVER. + +"So glad to see you, Mrs. Bamsby! And how is your dear husband? Where +_is_ the Colonel? I was only saying the other day, 'I wonder when I +shall see Colonel Bamsby!'" + +_Mrs. Colonel B._ "You'll see him _now_, my dear if I just step aside, +or you walk round me."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASTER MANOEUVRES. + +_Adjutant._ "Your orders are that when you are attacked, Captain +Slasher, you are to fall back slowly." + +_Capt. Slasher._ "In which direction am I to retire, sir?" + +_Adjutant._ "Well, the proper way, of course, would be over that hill, +but--_they intend to have lunch behind that farmhouse in the valley._"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SYNONYMOUS." + +_Instructor._ "Now, I've explained the different 'sights,' you, Private +Dumpy, tell me what a fine 'sight' is. Describe it as well as you +can----" + +_Private Dumpy._ "A fine sight, sir? A fine sight--(_pondering_)--'s a +magnificen' spe'tacle, sir!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VOLUNTEER MANOEUVRES + +_Sergeant._ "Can I do anything for you, captain?" + +_Captain._ "Why, thanky, sergeant. If you wouldn't mind giving my other +leg a hitch over!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MULTUM IN PARVO + +_Inspecting Officer._ "How is it your khaki is so much too small?" + +_Stout Yeoman._ "It do seem a bit skimpy, sur. But tailor says as how +I'm bound to grow a 'eap smaller on hactive service, an' 'e's allowin' +for shrinkage." + + * * * * * + +INSTRUCTIONS TO NAUTICAL MEN IN THE NOBLE ART OF QUADRILLE DANCING + +LE PANTALON.--Haul upon the starboard tack and let the other craft +pass--then bear up and get your head on the other tack--regain your +berth on the port tack--back and fill with your partner and boxhaul +her--wear round twice against the sun in company with the opposite +craft, then your own--afterwards boxhaul her again and bring her up. + +L'ETE.--Shoot ahead about two fathoms till you nearly come stem on with +the other craft under weigh--then make a stern board to your berth and +side out for a bend, first to starboard, then to port--make sail and +pass the opposite craft--then get your head round on the other +tack--another side to starboard and port--then make sail to regain your +berth--wear round, back and fill and boxhaul your partner. + +LA POULE.--Heave ahead and pass your adversary yard-arm to +yard-arm--regain your berth on the other tack in the same order--take +your station in a line with your partner--back and fill--fall on your +heel and bring up with your partner--she then manoeuvres ahead and +heaves all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and pays off +alongside--you then make sail in company, till nearly stem on with the +other line--make a stern board and cast her off to shift for +herself--regain your berth in the best means possible, and let go your +anchor. + +LA TRENISE.--Wear round as before against the sun twice, boxhaul the +lady, and range up alongside her, and make sail in company--when +half-way across to the other shore drop astern with the tide--shoot +ahead again and cast off the tow--now back and fix as before and boxhaul +her and yourself into your berth, and bring up. + +LA PASTORALE.--Shoot ahead alongside your partner, then make a stern +board--again make all sail over to the other coast--let go the hawser, +and pay off into your own berth and take a turn--the three craft +opposite range up abreast towards you twice, and back astern again--now +manoeuvre any rig you like, only under easy sail, as it is always +"light winds" (zephyrs) in this passage--as soon as you see their helms +down, haul round in company with them on port tack--then make all sail +with your partner into your own berth, and bring up. + +LA FINALE.--Wear round to starboard, passing under your partner's +bows--sight the catheads of craft on your starboard bow--then make sail +into your own berth--your partner passing athwart your bows--now proceed +according to the second order of sailing--to complete the evolutions +shoot ahead and back astern twice, in company with the whole squadron, +in the circular order of sailing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT THE "BRITISH GRENADIER" IS INEVITABLY COMING TO + + Some talk of Alexander, and some of Pericles, + Of Hector and Lysander, and such old guys as these; + But of all the horrid objects, the "wust" I do declare, + Is the Prusso-Russo-Belgo-Gallo-British Grenadier. + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE RESERVE FORCES." + +_Militia Officer._ "Augh!--a new man. Ah--'ve you been in 'service +before?" + +_Recruit._ "Yes, sir." + +_Officer._ "Augh--what regiment?" + +_Recruit._ "Mrs. Wiggins's coachman, sir!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + +THE END + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH *** + +***** This file should be named 38146.txt or 38146.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/1/4/38146/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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