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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch on the Warpath
+       Humours of the Army, The Navy and The Reserve Forces
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Reginald Cleaver et al
+
+Release Date: November 26, 2011 [EBook #38146]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+    MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
+
+    PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+    Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MILITARY EDUCATION.
+
+_General._ "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of cavalry in modern
+warfare?"
+
+_Mr. de Bridoon._ "Well, I suppose to give tone to what would otherwise
+be a mere vulgar brawl!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HUMOURS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE RESERVE FORCES
+
+_WITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+BY REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+C. L. POTT, CHARLES PEARS, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR,
+FRED. PEGRAM, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND OTHERS
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"FORWARD!"
+
+Was there ever protean like MR. PUNCH! The little man is a wonder. In so
+many guises do we encounter him--now as tourist, again as playgoer, as
+huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home
+philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where
+not and how not?--that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on
+the warpath. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people?
+
+Of course it may be suggested that in the present book we do not have
+what is entirely a record of his achievements on many a well-fought
+field. There are not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic
+battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only recent experience
+of the real thing leaves MR. PUNCH too sore of heart to say much about
+it. But as we are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace prepare
+for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, we are always
+"preparing"--hence, perhaps, the reason why we are never ready. But
+there is a deal of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to
+MR. PUNCH. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the past Charles Keene
+found many of his happiest subjects in the humours of military life and
+volunteering, while to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic
+volunteer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many brilliant aiders
+and abettors.
+
+MR. PUNCH is, by turns, general, drum major, full private, cavalry man
+and "kiltie," he is also A. B. when the occasion serves, and would be
+horse-marine if necessary! At all events he has given the command, and
+it's "Forward!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WATERLOO UP-TO-DATE _(a fact)_.
+
+_Belgian Guide._ Ze brave Picton 'e fall in ze arms of _victoire_----
+
+_Facetious Britisher._ Where was Lord Roberts?
+
+_Guide (not to be done)._ Lord Robert 'e stand on _zis montagne_, and 'e
+cry, "Hoop, Garde, and at zem!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The report that there are 46,719 total abstainers in the British Army is
+welcome news, but what grieves recruiting officers is the number of
+total abstainers from the British Army.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS MILITARY FACT.--The seat of war is always the spot where two
+forces are standing up to one another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPOT TO BE AVOIDED BY ROYAL ARTILLERYMEN.--Gunnersbury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE FOR MARTINETS.--Military authorities should consider whether it
+would not be advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the
+tidiness of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMONG WARRIORS.
+
+_Interested Patron._ So I see you lost an arm in the battle.
+
+_An Atkins ("back from the Front")._ Ay, sir, and my companion here
+_(indicating Atkins No. 2)_ he lost a leg.
+
+_Patron._ And your Colonel--in the same battle, eh?
+
+_Atkins No. 2._ Ah! he was worse off than either of us, sir; he lost his
+head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMY CHAPLAINS.--Wouldn't they be all doubly serviceable in time of war
+if they were all canons?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bluejacket (in charge of party of sightseers)._ "Here
+Nelson fell."
+
+_Old Lady._ "An' I don't wonder at it, poor dear. Nasty slippery place!
+I nearly fell there myself!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BLACK WATCH"
+
+  The Black Watch will go night and day.
+  The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate.
+  The Black Watch always keeps time.
+  The Black Watch is never out of gear.
+  The Black Watch wants no "winding up."
+  The Black Watch can be warranted for any period.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers)._ Now tell
+me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso?
+
+_P. of D. F._ Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of
+bullets that missed me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MYSTERY FROM SHOEBURY.--When does the cannon ball? When the
+Vickers-Maxim.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her
+niece, "I _do_ know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is.
+It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am
+not so ignorant as you may think."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fond Mother (reading letter from only son at the
+front)._ "Charlie says our Generals are perfect idiots!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS
+
+(_From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist_)
+
+_How to represent the Army._--Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied
+with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a
+Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes.
+Regimental levée scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat
+attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag.
+
+_How to represent the Navy._--Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors.
+Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver
+letters H.M.S. _Coquette_. Hair built up _à la_ "Belle of New York"
+surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING MILITARY.--The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess,
+individually and collectively, more money than those of any other
+regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so--we name no
+names--these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW EFFECTUALLY TO PRODUCE "SILENCE IN THE RANKS."--Use the _Dum Dum_
+bullets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PAID IN HIS OWN COIN; OR, WHAT WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.
+
+_Convicted Contractor._ "Look here! I can't walk in these boots, and I
+can't eat this food!"
+
+_Warder Punch_. "Well, you've got to; it's what you supplied to the
+troops."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR NON-COMS.
+
+_Orderly Sergeant (to officer)._ "Beg your pardon, sorr, but 'm wan
+ration short. Who will I give it to?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MILITARY PERIL.
+
+_Old Lady (to member of signalling section, who has just commenced to
+reply to a message)._ "Young man, if you think to alarm _me_ by wagging
+those flags about, you are very much mistaken!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY
+
+That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight.
+
+That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more
+easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries
+and cream.
+
+That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in
+the neighbourhood on a bicycle.
+
+That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly
+"shoppy."
+
+That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links
+or tyres.
+
+That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to
+Waterloo in forty minutes.
+
+That life under canvas is recommended by the doctors when it is subject
+to certain favourable climatic conditions.
+
+That, with the power of enjoying your outing to the end, or cutting it
+short at the beginning, you can yet claim credit for your self-denial
+and patriotism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CORONA FINIT OPUS.
+
+_Mary Anne._ "When are they going to start this army reform they talk
+such a lot about?"
+
+_Private Atkins._ "Why bless your 'eart, _it's all
+done_! Look at our new caps!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ALDERSHOT CAMPAIGN
+
+_Private Sweeny (Highland regiment)._ "Colony bog, is it? Thin bedad! I
+wish I was back in Tipperary!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BANTING IN THE YEOMANRY
+
+_Troop Sergeant-Major._ "It comes to this, captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a
+new jacket or knock off one o' my meals!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIFORMITY
+
+SCENE--_Pall Mall. Enter officer in full uniform hurriedly. He is
+stopped by messenger._
+
+_Messenger._ Yes, sir?
+
+_Officer._ I want to see the Commander-in-Chief at once.
+
+_Messenger._ Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman who has just entered
+the room is likely to be there for the next three hours. He came here
+two minutes before your arrival.
+
+_Officer._ But is a civilian allowed to take precedence of an officer in
+full uniform?
+
+_Messenger._ Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a civilian; but an
+officer like yourself.
+
+_Officer._ And yet he is admitted in mufti! Why, here have I had to come
+up from the country in full rig, being chaffed at the railway station,
+grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the crowd!
+
+_Messenger._ Yes, sir. Very sorry you should have been inconvenienced,
+sir, especially as it was unnecessary, sir!
+
+_Officer._ Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day
+that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose
+whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and
+regiment?
+
+_Messenger._ No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the _second_ of April, is the
+proper date. To-day, sir, is the _first_ of April.
+
+_Officer._ And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date!
+Quite the most appropriate date!
+
+_Messenger._ Yes, sir!
+
+  (_Curtain._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot
+soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea--as some persons profess
+to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted
+Cavalry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IMPOSSIBLE MANOEUVRE IN AUTUMN.--To be in the March past.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST MILITARY DRAWING.--Drawing your pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HANDY MAN.--What he will have to become, if
+recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more new
+battleships are constructed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
+
+_Hector._ "Now then, young feller--who are you staring at?"
+
+_Hodge._ "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? _I pays vor yer!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT FOR PATRICK!
+
+["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new
+Irish Guards."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+    What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees,
+    As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P.'s?
+    Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches,
+    An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.
+
+    What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl
+    Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl!
+    No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it,
+    But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have
+decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on
+marriage or promotion, _or in respect of any minor irregularities_." In
+future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted
+will not need to say, with the _King of Denmark_, "O, my offence is
+rank!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS"
+
+Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY SURGERY
+
+DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH.--In a telegram from the seat of war this week
+I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's
+main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your
+skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either
+verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I
+presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were
+carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of
+arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as
+to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of
+his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where
+were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be
+correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army
+in Flanders never practised such lopsided manoeuvres.
+
+  Yours respectfully,
+
+  CORPORAL TRIM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ALL'S WELL!"
+
+_Cockney Volunteer_ (_on sentry go_). "Halt! Who goes there?"
+
+_Rustic._ "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE
+
+"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his
+boots!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Elder Sister_ (_coming up_). "Kitty! what have you been saying to
+Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"
+
+_Kitty_ (_engaged to the Captain_). "I only told him that if he had gone
+to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR NEWS.--"Reports of Conflicts," _i.e._, "Conflicting Reports."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AN ARMED NATION"
+
+  ["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining
+  the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."--_Daily Press._]
+
+EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES
+
+1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible,
+and then passed on to the next man.
+
+2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall
+be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.
+
+3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at
+"attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.
+
+4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for
+so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the
+rifle--_i.e._ one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close
+his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave
+only seven men out of ten unemployed.
+
+5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the
+enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.
+
+6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to
+wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after
+being fired off.
+
+7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall
+not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to
+take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary
+comrade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _North Cork Militia Man._ "Am I to shalute him, or no?
+Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniral."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL YEOMANRY.
+
+_Recruit._ "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on
+this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is
+legs through nohow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NECESSARY KIT
+
+    ["A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of
+    necessaries."--_Army Order._]
+
+    It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man,
+    That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann.
+    Well, now 'ere's the latest horder--just yer take a read of it--
+    That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.
+
+    Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said!
+    But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead.
+    Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit,
+    For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.
+
+    They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet,
+    That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get,
+    'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit
+    If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.
+
+    But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell,
+    And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall,
+    But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit,
+    If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ADVANCE NOTES" (_Military_).--The bugler's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boatswain_ (_to newly-joined cadet_). "Come, my little
+man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did
+your mother cry when you left?"
+
+_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."
+
+_Boatswain._ "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"
+
+_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."
+
+_Boatswain._ "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"
+
+_Cadet._ "No, sir."
+
+_Boatswain._ "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE," &c.
+
+_Fair Visitor_ (_with a thirst for military knowledge_). "So all the
+kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many
+pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"
+
+_Gallant Major._ "Really--er--I've no--er--idea, I'm sure, don't
+y'know."
+
+_Fair Visitor._ "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_ (_to Irish sentry on guard tent_). "Why don't
+you face your proper front, sentry?"
+
+_Sentry._ "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SANDHURST AND ITS MESSES.
+
+_General Bouncer_ (_on a round of inspection at Sandhurst_). "Augh! Can
+you tell me what 'mess' this is?"
+
+_Cadet._ "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865)
+
+The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal
+hotel.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPLAINED.--_Auntie_ (_explaining morning manoeuvres of
+His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall_).
+"Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the
+whole lot--and then there's two more!"
+
+    [Youthful niece sees.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.--_Jack_ (_singing at the top of
+his voice_)--"There's only _one_ girl in the world for me!"--_Popular
+Song._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [According to the _Daily Telegraph_ zebra mules have been
+introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes.
+
+     Would not their introduction--as above--into Whitehall lend a new
+     and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene?
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST
+
+ON THE ARMY.
+
+Astonishing lot of nonsense the _Daily Wire_ prints about military
+affairs ... no, I do _not_ waste my time reading it. Any intelligent
+citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And
+our army is rotten, madam--rotten to the core.... What? That reminds
+you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please--I'm not
+talking about apples. Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain
+common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in
+England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I
+didn't say they _had_ interfered with us--but just think of the
+disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of
+defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive
+frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him
+that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen
+to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress
+bills--but I was talking about the army.
+
+Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life
+do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating
+luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in
+horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it,
+Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something
+then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to
+stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No,
+I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are
+absolutely necessary.
+
+First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of
+brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great
+army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve
+his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of
+English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do
+wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll
+have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he
+comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh?
+Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his
+training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high
+wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system
+takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!...
+If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the
+_Daily Wire_ on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the
+     Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with
+     the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the
+     breach for this purpose._
+
+_Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's
+all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a
+bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle
+with 'is naked heye!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they
+made!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt,
+    When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."
+    Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.
+    Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR RESERVES.--_A.-D.-C_. "What the deuce are you men
+doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing
+ball cartridge, not blank."
+
+_Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view
+the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought
+'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORY.--A review of the Royal (Sub)marines
+near the Goodwin Sands. (_You could hardly "tell the Marines" in their
+new sub-aqueous uniform._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL MEDALS
+
+We are happy to announce that the Lords of the Admiralty have issued an
+order for the distribution of medals to the officers and seamen who
+served in the naval actions hereunder specified. We understand the
+medals are of gold, set round with diamonds of the most costly
+description. Great caution will be used in the distribution, to prevent
+fraud in personating deceased officers, &c.
+
+     A.D. 876. King Alfred's engagement with and destruction of the
+                 Danish fleet.
+
+       --1350. Great sea-fight between the English and the combined fleets
+               of France and Spain.
+
+       --1588. Destruction of the Spanish Armada.
+
+       --1702. Admiral Benbow's engagement with the French.
+
+       --1761. Siege and capture of Belleisle.
+
+N.B. No officer or seaman will be entitled to a medal in respect of the
+last-mentioned siege, unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was
+"there all the while."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER SEVERE.
+
+_Regular_ (_manoeuvring with Yeomanry_). "Got to give up my arms, have
+I? Umph! This comes of going out with a lot of darned Volunteers."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YEOMANRY MANOEUVRES. (FIRST DAY IN CAMP.)--_Officer._
+"What's all this? What are you doing with that cask?"
+
+_Trooper._ "Tent equipment, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR REVIEW.--The colonel is wondering what manoeuvre he
+ought to execute in the circumstances.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANOEUVRES.--_Lieutenant Nobs_ (_just arrived_). "How
+long will you take to drive me to the fort, Cabby?"
+
+_Cabby._ "Ten minutes, Capting, by the shortcut through the halleys. But
+the military allus goes the long way round, through the fashionable part
+o' the town, yer honour, which takes an hour."
+
+    [_Cabby gets his hour._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TECHNICAL EDUCATION IN THE ARMY.
+
+_Officer_ (_examining a Mounted Infantry class_). "Well, I think you
+understand about the hoof and what the frog is. Now, just tell me where
+you would expect to find corns?"
+
+_Mounted Infantry Recruit_ (_suspecting a catch_). "In the manger,
+sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MILITARY INTELLIGENCE.
+
+_Musketry Instructor_ (_who wishes, by simple practical examples, to
+bring the fact of the air's resistance and elasticity to the mind of
+intelligent pupil, No. 450, Private Jones_), _loq._ "For instance, you
+have seen an air-cushion, and felt that it contained something you could
+not compress. What was it?"
+
+_Private Jones_ (_readily_). "'Orse 'air, sir!"
+
+    [_Enthusiastic instructor tries again._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIVERSIONS OF DRILL (1860).
+
+_Captain of Volunteers._ "Dress back, No. 3, do dress back. Comp'ny!
+Fours! As y' were! No. 3, Mr. Buffles, how often am I to speak to you,
+sir? Will you dress back, sir; further still, sir. You are not dressed
+exactly yet, sir, by a----"
+
+_Buffles_ (_goaded to madness_). "Bet yer five pounds I am--there!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the Secretary of State for War
+is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing
+facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers
+and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad
+to notice, from the subjoined advertisement, which appeared in the
+_Daily News_, that the public themselves are taking the matter in
+hand:--
+
+     TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid for one lady. Light,
+     comfortable situation. Good wages.--Apply, &c.
+
+The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that
+usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and
+"comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to
+look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive
+occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms.
+Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably
+wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the
+kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog,
+larding a pheasant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. _Buzzard_ has been anchored as a
+permanent guardship of honour immediately opposite the approach to _Mr
+Punch's_ offices in Bouverie Street. The compliment is much appreciated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Further changes in our Navy are announced. Chaplains are to be
+abolished, and the navigating officers are to include in their duties
+those of sky-pilots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COCKNEY'S QUESTION ON THE NAVY.--Does a Port Admiral mean an Admiral
+who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for
+service till he is very old?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A JOVIAL CREW.--Jack Tars in a jolly-boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SICK BAY.
+
+_Fleet Surgeon._ "There doesn't seem much wrong with you, my man. What's
+the matter?"
+
+_A. B._ "Well, sir, it's like this, sir. I _eats_ well, an' I _drinks_
+well, an' I _sleeps_ well; but when I sees a job of work--there, I'm all
+of a tremble!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIELD TRAINING NOTES.--(_Aldershot._) _General_ (_to
+Irish recruit_). "Can you tell me how many species of pack animals there
+are?"
+
+(_No answer._)
+
+_General._ "Well, do you know _any_ kind of pack animal?"
+
+_Recruit_ (_inspired by recollection of many days' pack-drill_.) "Yes,
+sorr. A defaulter, sorr!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_who is taking a turn round to see how his
+subs are getting along with their road sketching_). "You know, this
+won't do. You should be able to _ride_ about the country, and make
+sketches as you go."
+
+_Jones_ (_not getting along at all nicely, thank you_). "Well, sir, if I
+could do that, sir, I should chuck up the army, and join a circus!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COULDN'T MAKE 'UN SPEAK."
+
+_Infuriated C. O. 10th V. B. Mudfordshire Fusiliers_ (_who has ordered
+bugler to sound the "Cease fire" several times without effect_). "Don't
+you hear me, fellow? Why the deuce don't you sound the 'Cease fire' when
+I tell you?"
+
+_His Bugler._ "If ye plaze, zur, a've blowed a quid o' bacca down spout
+t'ould trumputt, awn I can't make un speak!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE
+
+     ["Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, has decided
+     that the 'quiff' is 'unsoldierly,' and 'disfiguring,' and has
+     ukased its abolition. The 'quiff' is the forelock worn by Mr.
+     Thomas Atkins."--_Pall Mall Gazette._]
+
+_Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German
+Army._
+
+Dere Ole Sauerkraut,--Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the
+Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm
+blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in
+the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we
+gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! I must tell
+yer we wears a hartful curl on our forrids wot is knowed as a "quiff,"
+and I give yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite! Susan (with lots
+o' cash as bein' only daughter of a plumber), wot I walks out with,
+simply 'angs on to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our colonel
+says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to
+bloomin' well lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with Susan.
+
+  Yores melancholy-like,
+
+    THOMAS ATKINS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     ["The German uniform is to be changed to a grey-brown. The officers
+     are particularly annoyed at the change, and complain that they
+     might at least have been allowed to keep the bright buttons on
+     their tunics. These are also to be dulled down to the new drab
+     _régime_. Everything that is not strictly utilitarian--tassels,
+     lace, and decorations--is to be banished from the
+     parade-ground."--_Westminster Gazette._]
+
+_Letter from a Private in the German Army to a Private in the British
+Army._
+
+Mein Gut Friend,--We haf the both trouble much got! You haf the
+beautiful Susan _verloren_. I my Katrine am deprived of. Because why? I
+was so schmart lookin' in mein regimentalen blue dat Katrine fell in
+luff with me on first sighten and called me in ways of fun her "leetle
+blue _teufel_"! But now, ach Himmel! she at me _cochet die snooken!_
+"Cuts," as you say. I broken-ar-arted quite am. Because why? The Office
+die Warren as us ordered to take off der blue regimentalen. We haf in
+brown-grey to dress ourselves. Ah! dirdy, bad, rotten colour! And no
+more ze _schon_ buttons to haf that the beating heart of Katrine
+conquered. Farewell to Katrine! She brown ates.--Zo longen
+
+    KARL SCHNEIDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY BY THE NAVY LEAGUE.--Does Brittania rule the waves, or does she
+mean to waive her rule?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Commander._ What is your complaint against this boy?
+
+_Bluejacket._ Well, sir, as I was a-walkin' arft, this 'ere boy, 'e up
+an' calls me a bloomin' idjit. Now, 'ow would you like to be called a
+bloomin' idjit, supposin' you wasn't one?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERILS OF MIMIC WAR.
+
+_Motor Lieutenant, Motor Volunteer Corps_ (_to General in his charge_).
+"I say, sir, if we"--(_bump!_)--"upset"--(_bang!_)--"shall I
+get"--(_bump! bang!_)--"a military funeral too?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Perilous position of a gallant officer of Volunteers, on
+a recent march, who (ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hired
+charger) chooses the cooling waters of the ford in preference to the
+bridge._ "Here! Hi! Help, somebody! Hold on! I mean halt! He won't come
+out, and he wants to lie down, and I believe he's going to rear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NAVAL REVIEW (_From an Antique_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAFALGAR DAY.--(_At the Board School._) _Teacher._ Now can any boy tell
+me why Nelson's column was erected in Trafalgar Square?
+
+_Johnny Grimes_ (_immediately_). Please, sir, to 'elp 'im up to 'eaven,
+when 'e died in the arms of the Wictory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMOUNTS FOR THE YEOMANRY
+
+_Horse-buying "Expert."_ "Yes, it certainly does look more like a
+'towel-horse' than anything else; still it'll have to do!"--Passed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "How dreadfully stout the general is getting!"
+
+"Yes, isn't it fortunate? Otherwise he wouldn't be able to wear all his
+medals!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOOTHSAYINGS FOR SAILORS
+
+    Augury from fowls of air
+      Back to Tuscan gramarye dates.
+    Birds in February pair:
+      Now then, skippers, choose your mates.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMPERTINENT CURIOSITY
+
+_Military Man._ "Well! What are yer a starin' at--ain't yer never seed a
+sodger before?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FORTUNE OF WAR
+
+(_A fragment of a Military Romance, to be published a few years hence_)
+
+     ["The long-proposed introduction of motor-cars into the army for
+     transport purposes is on the point of accomplishment."--_The
+     Outlook._]
+
+... "COMRADES!" cried the proud general, addressing his troops (standing
+around him in the circular square ordered by the latest drill book), "at
+last we are about to reap the reward of our exertions. Thanks to our
+trusty motor-cars, we have traversed the desert at an average speed of
+twenty-five miles an hour. Our casualties have been few and
+insignificant. A dozen or so of the engines blew up, but not more than
+fifty men perished by these accidents. We have, indeed, to mourn the
+loss of some of the 75th Dragoons, whose motor-car went wrong in its
+steering, and rushed at express speed into the middle of a lake. And not
+a few of our heroes have been arrested by the native police on the
+charge of furious driving, with the result that they now languish in
+dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these trifles, compared with the
+glory that will soon be ours? The enemy are now within thirty miles of
+us--a distance which, with a little extra pressure, we can cover in an
+hour. So, forward! Mount motor-cars! Tie down the safety-valves! Seize
+starting levers! Now, when I give the word! Are you read----"
+
+At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him.
+
+"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! It is impossible!"
+
+"Impossible?" echoed the general, in amazement. "Why?"
+
+"For the very good reason that--_we've run out of oil!_"
+
+A loud groan burst from the army on hearing the dreadful news; the voice
+of the general himself shook as he replied:
+
+"Then, for once, we must ride."
+
+"You forget, sir," said the other, "that nowadays we have no horses.
+Shall we--march?"
+
+"No!" cried the intrepid leader. "March? Never! Death before dishonour!
+Men, your general may have to die a rather unpleasant death; but never,
+in this scientific age, never will he insult you by suggesting that you
+should walk!" and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this noble
+utterance. But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only
+possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked
+and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed
+through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that
+its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of
+course, and he went out scouting on his own account--as heroes do--in
+the last chapter.)
+
+"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!"
+
+"Well?" said the general.
+
+"Yes, it _is_ a well, a well of natural petroleum, in fact, which I have
+discovered not half-a-mile away!"
+
+The general clasped his hand, while the army roared themselves hoarse
+with delight. And, an hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the
+horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying towards the doomed
+enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PENALTY OF FAME
+
+_Small Boy_ (_with shrill voice_).
+
+    "'Fightin'--with--the Sev'nth--Royal Fu-siliers--
+                The famous Fu-siliers--
+                The fightin' Fu-siliers,'" &c., &c.
+
+_Irritable War-Office Clerk._ "Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusiliers!
+I'm sick of 'em! Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel Islands!"
+
+    [_Does so._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE OF TU QUOQUE.--_She._ "How do you like my new
+hat?"
+
+_Sutherland Highlander._ "By Jove, what extraordinary headgear you women
+do wear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THAT TYRANT MAN.
+
+_Thomas the Drummer._ "Well, Emmar, you needn't take on so. I loves you
+stright enough; but 'angin' round the barrick gates, askin' for me, is
+the sort of thing I will not 'ave!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE REFORMS WANTED.
+
+_Guardsman._ "I just told one of those Volunteer officers that he must
+_not_ come on parade with his pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the
+demmed impudence to say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his
+corps hadn't buttons!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Riding Master._ "I thought you said you could ride?"
+
+_Candidate for the Imperial Yeomanry._ "Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a
+chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK
+
+_How to make a Recruit._--Take a raw lad from the country (the younger
+the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as
+much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and
+serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be
+sworn in, and he will then be nicely done.
+
+_How to make a Soldier._--Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into
+a depôt. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has
+lost any _esprit de corps_ which may have been floating upon the surface
+when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his
+strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to
+India.
+
+_Another Method._--Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let
+him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept
+in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For
+three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make him
+work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now
+reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical
+dressing.
+
+_How to make a Deserter._--A very simple and popular dish. Take a
+soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be
+identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little
+opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.
+
+_Another and Simpler Method._--Take a recruit, without inquiring into
+his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes.
+The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a
+fine military hash) any number of times.
+
+_How to make an Army._--Take a few scores of infantry regiments and
+carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses
+and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached
+generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control
+mixture.
+
+_Another and easier Method._--Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of
+paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your
+sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.
+
+_How to make a Panic._--Take one or two influential newspapers in the
+dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add
+a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the
+whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is
+now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished
+with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion
+relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome,
+although extremely expensive.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRIKE OF SEAMEN.--There is one description of strike in which we hope
+our sailors will never engage--that of their colours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LAND SWELL.--A Lord of the Admiralty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REVIEW AT SPITHEAD.--It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad
+mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO SYMPATHETIC! _Young Yeomanry Officer_ (_airing his
+exploits in the war_). "And among other things, don't you know, I had a
+horse shot under me."
+
+_Fair Ignoramus._ "Poor thing! What was the matter with it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISAGREEABLE TRUTH
+
+_Soldier._ "Now, then! You must move away from here."
+
+_Rude Boy._ "Ah! But _you_ mustn't, old feller!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EUPHEMISTIC.
+
+_Colonel._ "I've never met with a smarter drill than yourself, sergeant,
+or one more thoroughly up to all his duties; but you've one most
+objectionable habit, and that is your constant use of bad language, and
+swearing at the men."
+
+_Sergeant._ "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: H.M.S. _OBESITY_; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS ARE COMING TO
+
+_First A.B._ "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!--f-f-f--it's something horful
+this morning." (_Distant whistle._) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I
+see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?"
+
+_Second A.B._ "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pass us the
+bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake!"
+
+     ["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this
+     is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five
+     different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he
+     should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to
+     induce obesity, gout, and laziness."--_Dr. Yorke Davies in the
+     "Daily Telegraph."_]
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew has just become a
+midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best
+aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK.--The Union Jack Tar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAVAL PROMOTION.--"Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to
+_Glory_."--_Daily Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY.--The chops of the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet
+should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more stable basis!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE
+
+(_A Forecast of the Future_)
+
+     SCENE.--_A lecture-chamber at a military college._ Lecturer
+     _discovered behind a table_. Students _taking notes_.
+
+_Lecturer._ I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear
+for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain.
+
+    [_Dives under his table._
+
+_First Student._ What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the
+beginning.
+
+_Second Student._ It's on "the Militia."
+
+_Lecturer_ (_emerging from his table in fresh regimentals._) Now, my
+men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am
+responsible for your well-being. (_Applause, amidst which the_ Lecturer
+_resumes his ordinary clothing._) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary
+to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer
+must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer
+any questions.
+
+_First Student._ Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this
+interesting entertainment?
+
+_Lecturer._ Certainly. To show you, gentlemen, your duty in the
+Militia. You will be expected to play many parts.
+
+_First Student._ But surely not simultaneously?
+
+_Lecturer._ Why, certainly. The old constitutional force is so
+undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of
+a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the
+chances are that--well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences.
+And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be
+established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the
+civilian.
+
+    [_Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Captain Smythe_ (_a good soldier, but no society man, to
+his hostess_). "I have to thank you, Mrs. Brown, for an evening which
+has been--er--_after two years on the veld_, most enjoyable."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NONE O' YOUR LARKS" (1861)
+
+_Gigantic Navvy._ "Let's walk between yer, gents; folks 'll think you've
+took up a deserter."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREPARING FOR WAR
+
+A Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn
+manoeuvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the
+following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the
+original document) have been omitted. They are now published for the
+first time:--
+
+1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets.
+This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old.
+
+2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by special command of
+Generals of Divisions. The above-mentioned officers are reminded (for
+their instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive and should be
+used as little as possible.
+
+3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry on any march exceeding three
+miles. Commanding officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has recently
+greatly increased in value.
+
+4. In the event of two members of the umpire staff being unable to come
+to an agreement about the respective colours of black and white, they
+will "draw lots;" _id est_, one of them will throw into the air a coin
+of the realm, and before the coin is able to reach the ground, the other
+will give the word either "heads" or "tails." The choice of cries will
+be optional. Gold coins will be used by general officers, silver by
+field officers, and halfpence by all other ranks.
+
+5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to pursue retiring infantry on
+horseback, unless so ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd
+(County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County Down), the Connaught
+Rangers, and the Royal Irish Fusiliers.
+
+6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two hundred yards of six
+hostile batteries of artillery to watch the practice, or for any other
+purpose of instruction, one-tenth of the battalion will be marched to
+the rear, and will be considered _hors de combat_ during the remainder
+of the campaign.
+
+7. A village containing one pioneer, one drummer (or bugler) and a
+quarter-master-sergeant, will be considered fully garrisoned. It will be
+seen that rules of war are to be followed in every particular, down to
+the very smallest details, by all concerned in the campaign.
+
+8. As in the previous series of autumn manoeuvres, _at least_, "five
+minutes' notice" will be given when the army is required to march five
+miles, or to perform any other military duty requiring zeal, steadiness,
+and an intimate acquaintance with "Field Exercises, Edition of 1874,
+Part I."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLVED AT LAST.--_Jawkins._ Why do they always call sailors "tars"?
+
+_Pawkins._--Because they're so accustomed to the pitching of the ship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bluejacket_ (_who has been hauled twice round the sick
+bay, yelling inarticulately, by the surgeon with the forceps_). "Why,
+you 'ad me by the tongue!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A VERBAL DIFFICULTY.
+
+_Irritable Captain._ "Your barrel's disgracefully dirty, sir, and it's
+not the first time; I've a good mind to----"
+
+_Private Flannigan._ "Shure, sor, I niver----"
+
+_Captain_ (_Irish too_). "Silence, sir, when you spake to an officer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ROYAL SALUTE.--_Officer in charge of battery_ (_in a
+fever lest the time of firing should be a second late_). "Why, what are
+you about, No. 6? Why don't you serve the sponge?"
+
+_Bombardier McGuttle._ "Hoots toots! Can na' a body blaw their nose?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TACTICS.
+
+_Instructor._ "Well, gentlemen, I have endeavoured to explain to you the
+theoretical principles governing the movements of the various portions
+of a combined force; but I must warn you, that, in practice on an
+ordinary field-day, you will probably find it result in hopeless
+confusion; while on active service it will be ten times worse!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONCLUSIVE!
+
+_Volunteer Colonel_ (_swell brewer_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Jenkins, you had
+been indulging in potations that were too strong for you!"
+
+    [_Private J. was being "called over the coals" for insubordination at
+    the inspection._]
+
+_Private Jenkins_ (_who is still wearing his bayonet on the wrong
+side_). "Oh, I couldn't have been drunk, sir, for I never had no more
+than one pint o' your ale all the blessed day!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Register-keeper._ "Major Jones first to count. A
+miss--nothing."
+
+_Major Jones._ "I say, sergeant, that's almost an Irish bull, I fancy!"
+
+_Register-keeper._ "No, sorr, just a simple English miss!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR YEOMANRY.
+
+_Sergeant Major._ "Number three, where's your sword?"
+
+_Recruit_ (_who finds practice very different from theory_). "On the
+ground. Carn't see 'un?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY DIALOGUES
+
+I
+
+ARMY REFORM
+    SCENE.--_The drawing-room of the Colonel's quarters, decorated with
+    trophies from many lands and water-colour sketches. Mrs. Bulkwise, the
+    Colonel's wife, a tall, broad and assertive lady, is giving tea to Mrs.
+    Lyttleton-Cartwright, with the stamp of fashion upon her, and Mrs.
+    Karmadine, who has a soul for art--both ladies of the regiment. Colonel
+    Bulkwise, a small and despondent man whose hair is "part-worn" gazes
+    morosely into the fire_.
+
+_Mrs. Bulkwise_ (_waving a tea cup_). As surely as woman is asserting
+her right to a place in medicine, in law, and in the council, so surely
+will she take her proper place in the control of the army.
+
+_Mrs. Lyttleton-Cartwright._ What a lovely costume one could compose out
+of the uniform. I've often tried Jack's tunic on.
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_severely_). The mere brutal work of fighting, the butchery
+of the trade, would still have to be left to the men; but such matters
+as require higher intelligence, keener wit, tact, perseverance, should
+be, and some day _shall_ be, in our hands.
+
+_Mrs. Karmadine._ And the beauty and grace of life, Mrs. Bulkwise.
+Surely we women, if allowed, could in peace bring culture to the
+barrack-room, and garland the sword with bay wreaths?
+
+_Mrs. B._ Take the War Office. I am told that the ranks of the regiments
+are depleted of combatant officers in order that they may sit in offices
+in Pall Mall, and do clerical work indifferently. Now, I hold that our
+sex could do this work better, more cheaply, and with greater dispatch.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ "Pall-Mall" would be such an excellent address.
+
+_Mrs. B._ The young men, both officers and civilians, who are employed
+waste, so I understand, the time of the public by going out to lunch at
+clubs and frequently pause in their work to smoke cigars and discuss the
+odds. Now a glass of milk, or some claret and lemonade, a slice of
+seed-cake, or some tartlets, brought by a maid from the nearest A. B. C.
+shop would satisfy all our mid-day wants.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ And I never knew a woman who couldn't work and talk bonnets
+at the same time.
+
+_Mrs. C._ Just a few palms--don't you think, Mrs. Bulkwise?--in those
+dreary, _dreary_ rooms, and some oriental rugs on the floors, and a
+little bunch of flowers on each desk would make life so much easier to
+live.
+
+    [_Colonel Bulkwise murmurs something unintelligible_.
+
+_Mrs. B._ What do you say, George?
+
+_Colonel B. (with sudden fierceness)._ I said, that there are too many
+old women, as it is, in the War Office.
+
+_Mrs. B._ George!
+
+    [_The colonel relapses again into morose silence._
+
+_Mrs. B._ The Intelligence Department should, of course, be in our
+hands.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ I should just love to run about all the time, finding out
+other people's secrets.
+
+_Mrs. B._ And the Clothing Department calls for a woman's knowledge. The
+hideous snuff-coloured garments must be retained for warfare, but with
+the new costume for walking out and ceremonial I think something might
+be done.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ The woman who makes my frocks is as clever as she can be,
+and always has her head full of ideas for those sort of things.
+
+_Mrs. C._ Michel Angelo did not disdain to design the uniform of the
+Swiss Guard. Perhaps Gilbert, or Ford, or Brock might follow in the
+giant's footsteps.
+
+_Col. B._ You ladies always design such sensible clothes for yourselves,
+do you not?
+
+    [_He is frozen into silence again._
+
+_Mrs. B._ And the education of young officers. From a cursory glance
+through my husband's books on law, topography and administration, I
+should say that there are no military subjects that the average woman
+could not master in a fortnight. Strategy, of course, comes to us by
+intuition. The companionship and influence of really good women on
+youths and young men cannot be over-rated, and the professors both at
+the Staff College and at the Military Academy should be of our sex.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ I always love the boys; but I think some of the staff
+college men are awfully stuck up.
+
+_Mrs. B._ Now as to the regiment. The mess, of course, should be in our
+province.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ How ripping. The guest-nights would be lovely dinner
+parties, the ante-room we'd use for tea, and the band should always play
+from 5 to 6. We'd have afternoon dances every Thursday, and turn the men
+out once a week and have a dinner all to ourselves to talk scandal.
+
+    [_The colonel groans._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "REGIMENTAL ORDERS"!
+
+_Volunteer Captain._ "Ah, Sergeant Jones--didn't I send you an order to
+be at headquarters on Monday, at nine o'clock, with a corporal and six
+men for duty?"
+
+_Sergeant._ "Yes, sir. But I think if there was a little more 'request',
+and a little less 'order', it would be (_a-hem_)--better!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BOBS"
+
+An Indian idol--as worshipped by Mr. Thomas Atkins.
+
+(_The property of the British nation._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BOBS" AS A BOBBIE
+
+     ["CORONATION CLAIMS.--There being no succession to certain offices,
+     the appointment thereto rests with His Majesty, and the following
+     are regarded as probable candidates:--Lord High Constable--The Earl
+     Roberts," &c.--_Vide Daily Mail_, Nov. 19, 1901.]
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SORROWS OF A SUBALTERN
+
+"Curious way that boy has of salutin'. Don't believe it's correct!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOG!--_(A romance of real life.)_
+
+_The Gallant Major._ "I beg a thousand pardons for the apparent liberty
+I take as an entire stranger, but may I make so bold as to ask you, is
+not this one of that wonderful breed of black or Chinese pugs?"
+
+_The Pretty Lady (most condescendingly)._ "Yes, you are perfectly right,
+and if I am not mistaken, you are Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth
+Hussars."
+
+     [_From that moment they became fast friends, and within the next
+     three months there appeared in the "Morning Post," 'A marriage has
+     been arranged between Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars,
+     and Mrs. Bellairs,' &c., &c._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ONE OF OUR CONQUERORS."
+
+_Imperial Yeoman._ "Much obliged if you would pick up my sword for me."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TOMMY'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON AS IT WILL BE
+
+     ["It has been decreed in several line battalions that in future no
+     soldier will be allowed to walk arm-in-arm in the street with a
+     female."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh! I say! 'E 'as got eyes after all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor._ "Don't feel well, eh? Appetite all right?"
+
+_Tommie._ "Eat like a wolf, sir."
+
+_Doctor._ "Sleep well?"
+
+_Tommie._ "As sound as a dog, sir."
+
+_Doctor._ "Oh, you'd better see the vet.!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JOKE THAT FAILED
+
+_Lubber._ "I say, Jack, do you know why they've painted the ships grey
+in time of _peace_?"
+
+_Jack._ "I s'pose 'cos it's a _neutral_ tint!"
+
+    [_But the other didn't laugh. He intended making that witticism
+    himself._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S.----
+
+"I say, why am I like the Queen's chief cook? Do you give it up?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Because I am in a high cool-and-airy (_culinary_) position."
+
+    [_Astonished cadet nearly falls from the yard_.
+
+You young monkey, how dare you joke up in the air like that? However, we
+look over it this time.--_Punch_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: An economical mode of putting troops into white
+trowsers.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGULATIONS FOR YEOMANRY OUTPOSTS
+
+(_Aldershot Edition_)
+
+1. Never recognise your enemy when you meet him on the road, in case you
+might be compelled to take him prisoner and so cause unpleasantness and
+unseemly disturbance.
+
+2. Advanced guards should walk quietly and without ostentation into the
+enemy's main body, and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, or
+buildings for an unobtrusive cyclist patrol. To do so might cause the
+enemy annoyance.
+
+3. An advance guard, if surrounded, will surrender without noise or
+alarm. To make any would disturb the main body, who like to march in a
+compact and regular formation.
+
+4. Never allow your common-sense to overcome your natural modesty so far
+as to induce you to report to a superior officer the presence of the
+enemy in force. You will only acquire a reputation for officiousness by
+doing so.
+
+5. Always attack an enemy in front. It is unsportsmanlike and
+unprofessional to attack the flanks.
+
+6. When retiring before an attack maintain as close a formation as the
+ground will admit of, and retire directly upon the main infantry
+support. You will thus expose yourselves to the fire of both your own
+friends and the enemy, and as blank cartridge hurts nobody it will add
+to the excitement of the operation.
+
+7. It is more important to roll your cloaks and burnish your bits than
+to worry about unimportant details of minor tactics.
+
+8. Since a solitary horseman never attracts the enemy's attention, be
+careful to take up a position in compact formation; to do so by files
+might escape observation.
+
+9. When being charged by the enemy, go fours about and gallop for all
+you are worth; it is just as agreeable to be prodded in the back as in
+the chest, and gives the enemy more satisfaction. To extend, or work to
+the flanks, might deprive your enemy of useful experience.
+
+10. Never cast your eyes to the direction from which the enemy is not
+expected, as that is the usual direction of his real attack, and it is
+not polite to spoil the arrangement of your friend the enemy.
+
+11. Lastly, remember that the best motto for Yeomanry Troopers is "Point
+de Zèle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR RIFLE VOLUNTEERS
+
+_A Peace Song_ (1859)
+
+(_Composed and volunteered by Mr. Punch_)
+
+    Some talk of an invasion
+      As a thing whereat to sneeze,
+    And say we have no occasion
+      To guard our shores and seas:
+    Now, _Punch_ is no alarmist,
+      Nor is moved by idle fears,
+    But he sees no harm that we all should arm
+      As Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    Let sudden foes assail us,
+      'Tis well we be prepared;
+    Our Fleet--who knows?--may fail us,
+      Nor serve our shores to guard.
+    For self-defence, then, purely,
+      Good reason there appears,
+    To have, on land, a force at hand
+      Of Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    To show no wish for fighting,
+      Our forces we'd increase;
+    But 'tis our foes by frighting
+      We best may keep at peace,
+    For who will dare molest us
+      When, to buzz about their ears,
+    All along our coast there swarms a host
+      Of Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    Abroad ill winds are blowing,
+      Abroad war's vermin swarm;
+    What _may_ hap there's no knowing,
+      We may not 'scape the storm.
+    Athirst for blood, the Eagles
+      May draw our dove's nest near;
+    But we'll scare away all birds of prey
+      With our Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    No menace we're intending,
+      Offence to none we mean,
+    We arm but for defending
+      Our country and our Queen!
+    To British hearts 'tis loyalty
+      'Tis love her name endears:
+    Up! then, and form! shield her from harm
+      Ye Rifle Volunteers!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The above is _not_ a war picture. It merely represents an
+incident in the too realistic scouting manoeuvres of the Blankshire
+Yeomanry. Poor Mr. and Mrs. Timmins thought at least the country had
+been invaded.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _De Voeux._ "My grandfather, you know, lived till he
+was ninety-eight."
+
+_Trevor Carthew._ "Well, my grandmother died at the age of
+ninety-seven."
+
+_Brown._ "In _my_ family there are several who are not dead yet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIGNITY IN DISTRESS.
+
+_Small Boys_ (_to Volunteer Major in temporary command_). "I say,
+guv'nor--hi! Just wipe the blood off that 'ere sword!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FORE AND----
+
+_Sergeant._ "Back a little, number five!"]
+
+[Illustration:----AFT!
+
+_Sergeant._ "Up a little, number five!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR RESERVES!
+
+_Aide-de-Camp (at the review)._ "What are you doing here, sir? Where's
+your regiment?"
+
+_Party on the Grass._ "Shure I don' know. Bu-r I don't rec'nise your
+'thority, gov'nour!"
+
+_Aide-de-Camp (furious)._ "What the deuce d'you mean, sir? You're a
+Volunteer, aren't you?"
+
+_Party on the Grass._ "_(Hic!)_ Norabirofit!--Was jus' now--bu-r I've
+reshigned 'n cons'quence--temp'ry indishposition!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SUMMING UP."
+
+_Captain._ "What's the charge, sergeant?"
+
+_Sergeant._ "This time it's drunkenness, sir. But this man is the most
+troublesome fellow in the regiment, sir. He goes out when he likes, and
+comes in when he likes, and gets drunk when he likes--in fact, he might
+be a horficer!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHAT À LA MODE.
+
+_Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the stats of the Navy
+in a first-class compartment._
+
+_Brown._ My dear fellows, I can assure you we are in a terrible
+condition of unpreparedness. If France was to declare war to-morrow we
+should be nowhere--absolutely nowhere!
+
+_Jones._ You mean, of course, with Russia.
+
+_Robinson._ Or was it Italy?
+
+_Brown._ It doesn't matter which. I fancy that France alone could tackle
+us. Why, a man was telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was
+seized--as it might be--we should not get a ship-load of wood for
+months--yes, for months!
+
+_Jones._ But what has Gibraltar to do with it?
+
+_Robinson._ Why, of course, it guards our approaches to the Suez Canal.
+
+_Brown._ Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But what we want is a
+hundred millions to be spent at once. Cobden said so, and I agree with
+Cobden.
+
+_Jones._ But upon what?
+
+_Robinson._ Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and subsidising the Ameer.
+
+_Brown._ I don't think that sort of thing is of much importance. But if
+we had a hundred millions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase
+our coaling stations, and build new ships, and double the navy, and do
+all sorts of things.
+
+_Jones._ But I thought we were fairly well off for coaling stations, had
+lots of ships on the stocks, and, with the assistance of our merchant
+marine, an ample supply of good sailors.
+
+_Robinson._ That's what all you fellows say! But wait till we have a
+war, then you will see the fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should
+buy the entire fleet of the world. There should be no other competitor.
+Britannia should _really_ rule the waves.
+
+_Brown._ Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important
+matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on
+anything and everything. And it's no use having further discussion
+because that was Cobden's view of it, and so it is mine.
+
+_Jones._ Where is it to come from--out of the rates?
+
+_Brown and Robinson_ (_together_). Certainly not.
+
+_Jones._ Or the taxes?
+
+_Brown and Robinson_ (_as before_). Don't be absurd.
+
+_Jones._ Well, it must come from somewhere! Can you tell me where?
+
+_Robinson._ Why should we?
+
+_Brown._ Yes, why should we? Even Cobden didn't go so far as that,
+and----But, here we are at the station.
+
+    [_Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation._
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EASTER MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Extract from Private Letter.--April 1._
+
+"I'm afraid Milly and I have put our respective feet in it this time. We
+thought we would test our capacities at hospital work, and attach
+ourselves to pa's regiment--of course, without telling pa--and were
+getting along quite nicely with a soldier who wasn't very well, when we
+met pa and the General and his regiment. They took away the patient, and
+judging from pa's looks, there's a warm time coming."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS
+
+The new helmet as ordinarily   | The same, as worn on
+worn.                          | motor duty.
+
+_Directions:_--Simply unhook the lower portion of the helmet; thereby
+extending the collapsible weather-and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as
+a disguise.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FLAG WAGGING
+
+_Sergeant of Signallers._ "What ai's Murphy to-day? He don't seem able
+to take in a thing!"
+
+_Private Mulvaney._ "Shall I signal to 'im, 'Will ye 'ave a drink?'?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TU QUOQUE.
+
+_Army Candidate._ "And I only muffed one thing in the geography paper.
+Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Macassar were!"
+
+_Fond Father._ "Oh, I say, you ought to have known that. Fancy--the
+Straits of Macassar!"
+
+_Army Candidate._ "Well, I didn't, anyhow. By the way, where are they,
+dad?"
+
+_Fond Father._ "Oh--where are they? Oh--er--they're--well, they're----
+but don't you think we'd better go to lunch?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HORSE-MARINE
+
+_Club Wag._ "Well, good-night, Admiral."
+
+_Warrior._ "There's a stupid joke. Admiral! Can't you see my spurs?"
+
+_Wag._ "Oh, I thought they were your twin screws."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry_ (_on the simultaneous approach of two persons_).
+"Who goes there?--two ways at once!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY DIALOGUES
+
+II
+
+ARMY REFORM
+
+     SCENE.--_The canteen of the Rutlandshire Regiment, at Downboro', an
+     airy, plastered hall with high windows. A bar at one end is backed
+     by a rampart of beer barrels. A double line of barrack tables and
+     benches runs down the room. The hour is 5 p.m. At one of the tables
+     sits Mr. W. Wilson, late Private in the regiment, in all his glory
+     of a new check suit with an aggressive pattern, a crimson tie, a
+     horseshoe pin, an aluminium watch-chain, a grey "bowler" and a
+     buttonhole of violets. Privates W. and G. Smith, P. Brady, E. Dudd
+     and other men of H. company are at the table, or standing near it._
+
+_Mr. Wilson (passing round a great tin measure containing beer, after
+taking a preliminary pull himself)._ Of course I do 'ear more, being in
+the smoke, than you 'ear down in this provincial 'ole; and there's
+generals and statesmen and such-like comes and stays at our place, and
+when they gets tied up in a knot over any military question, as often as
+not they says, "Let's ask Wilson, the under-gardener. 'E's a
+hex-military man; 'e's a 'ighly intellergent feller"; and I generally
+gets them out of their difficulty.
+
+_Pte. W. Smith._ D'ye know anything about this army reform?
+
+_Mr. Wilson (with lofty scorn)._ Do I know anything about it?
+
+_Pte. G. Smith._ D'ye think they're going to make a good job of it?
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ Naaw. And why? Becos they're goin' the wrong wai to work.
+They're arskin the opinion of perfeshernal hexperts and other sich
+ignoramuses, and ain't goin' to the fountain 'ead. Oo's the backbone of
+the English service?
+
+_Pte. P. Brady._ The Oirish private.
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ Right you are, my 'Ibernian--always subsitooting British
+for Hirish--and the British compiny is the finest horganisation in the
+world. Give the private a free 'and and a rise of pay, and make the
+compiny the model of the army, and then yer can put all the hexperts
+and all the Ryle Commissions and their reports to bed.
+
+_Pte. Dudd._ As how?
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ As 'ow, yer old thick head? It's as plain as a pike-staff.
+Taike this question of responsibility. When some one comes a bloomer,
+and the paipers all rise 'ell, the civilian toff, 'oos a sort of a
+commander-in-chief in a Sunday coat and a chimney-pot 'at, 'e says, "It
+ain't me. Arsk the real commander-in-chief," and the feeld-marshal 'e
+says, "Arsk the hadjutant-general," and the hadjutant-general, 'e says,
+"Arsk the hordnance bloke." Now in the compiny there ain't none of that.
+If the colonel goin' round at kit inspection finds the beds badly made
+up, or jags and sight-protectors deficient, or 'oles in the men's socks,
+'e goes fierce for the captin' and threatens to stop 'is leave; and the
+captin' don't say, "Oh, it's the hadjutant, or the quarter-master, or
+the chaplain what's to blame," no, 'e gives the subalterns and the
+coloured-sergeant beans, and they slip it in to the sergeants and
+corprils in charge of squads, and the beds is set up straight, and the
+men put down for jags and sight-protectors, and the 'oles in the socks
+is mended.
+
+_Pte. W. Smith._ That's so, old pal. What else would you recermend?
+
+_Mr. Wilson_ (_reaching out for the measure)._ Thank yer. This 'ere
+army-reforming's a dry job. Now as to the metherd of attack. When the
+regiment goes out field-firing the henemy's a line of hearthenware pots,
+touched up on the sly by the markers with a dash of white; the captains
+count the telergraph posts up the range and give the exact distance; and
+the men goes 'opping along in line like crows on a ploughed field, the
+sergeantes a-naggin' 'em about the 'Ithe position and the coprils
+calling them back to pick up empty cartridge cases. Is that the wai,
+that you, George Smith, and you, Bill, and you, Pat, used ter creep up
+to the rabbit warrens when we used ter go out in the herly morning to
+assist the farmers to keep down the ground gime--poaching the colonel
+called it? No, we hexecuted wide turning movements and never showed no
+more than the tip of a nose. Let drill of attack alone, I say, and
+develop the sporting hinstinct of the private.
+
+_Omnes._ 'Ear, 'ear.
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ And this matter of mobility. Why, if you or me or any of
+us was on furlough at 'Ampstead or Margit, we was never off a 'orse's or
+a moke's back as long as the dibs lasted. Give us the brass, and we'll
+find the mobility.
+
+_Pte. W. Smith._ Why don't yer write to the Prime Minister, and give him
+your ideas?
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ I shall. A few hintelligent ex-privates in the Cabinet, a
+rise of pay for privates and two days' rabitting, and a trip to Margit
+every week would sive the British Army.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAMPS
+
+    ["In spite of the demand for recruits, the number of tramps remain,
+    undiminished."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+    Why does not patriotic fire
+    My all too torpid heart inspire
+    With irresistible desire
+      To seek the tented camp, sir,
+    Where Glory, with her bronze V.C.,
+    Waits for the brave, perhaps for me?
+    Because I much prefer to be
+      A lazy, idle tramp, sir.
+
+    I toil not, neither do I spin.
+    For me, the laggard days begin
+    Hours after all my kith and kin
+      Are weary with their labours;
+    The heat and burden of the day
+    They bear, poor fools, as best they may,
+    While I serenely smoke my clay
+     And pity my poor neighbours.
+
+    When Afric burns the trooper brown,
+    By leafy lanes I loiter down
+    Through Haslemere to Dorking town,
+      Each Surrey nook exploring;
+    Or 'neath a Berkshire hay-rick I
+    At listless length do love to lie,
+    And watch the river stealing by
+      Between the hills of Goring.
+
+    Why should I change these dear delights
+    For toilsome days and sleepless nights,
+    And red Bellona's bloody rites
+      That bear the devil's stamp, sir?
+    Let others hear the people cry
+    "A hero he!"--I care not, I,
+    So I may only live and die,
+      A lazy, idle tramp, sir.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.
+
+"Well, my dear Admiral, and how did you sleep?"
+
+"Not at all, General. Confounded butterfly flew in at the window, and
+was flopping around all night--couldn't get a wink of sleep."
+
+"Ah, dashed dangerous things, butterflies!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL" (1875)
+
+_First Driver (after a long day)._ "The 'orse 'rtillery's a-getting
+quite aristercratic. It don't dine till eight o'clock!!"
+
+_Second Driver._ "Stroikes me to-morrow the 'orse 'rtillery'll be too
+aristercratic to dine at all!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ENEMY.
+
+_Horrid Boy to newly-appointed Volunteer Major, (who finds the military
+seat very awkward_). "Sit further back, General! You'll make his 'ead
+ache!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AUTUMN MANOEUVRES.
+
+No, this is not heroism; this is simply discretion. Little Plumpleigh
+has just given "Charge!" and taken one look behind to see if his men are
+"backing him up, don't you know," and he is now making for safety!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _War-office Genius._ "Now _this_ is another of my
+brilliant ideas, the shelter trench exercise. Of course, I _know_ the
+trench is the wrong way about, and that, when they have finished it,
+they have to fire into the wood they are defending, and then turn about
+and charge away from the wood, but, THEN! _we_ get a capital bank and
+ditch made round our plantations, with practically _no_ expense!"
+
+_Mr. Punch._ "And this is what you call instructing the Volunteers?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Bluejacket._ "Well, matey, wot 'appened?"
+
+_Second Bluejacket._ "Lieutenant, '_e_ reports as 'ow I were dirty, an'
+my 'ammick weren't clean, an' captin, '_e_ ses, 'Wash 'is bloomin' neck,
+scrub 'is bloomin' face, an' cut 'is bloomin' 'air, every ten
+minnits!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Volunteer Captain (acting Major first time)._ "Now then!
+What are you boys staring at? Did you never see a war-horse before?"
+
+_Boys (who had followed expecting a "spill.")_ "Aye--we've whiles seen a
+waur horse, but never a waur rider!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AD VALOREM.
+
+_(Energetic Sub has been pursuing runaway mule)._ "Well done, old chap!
+You deserve the D.S.O. at least. What is it? Ammunition?" "Ammunition!
+D.S.O.!! V.C., you mean!!!! Why, it's bottled beer!!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MONEY "TIGHT."
+
+_British Subaltern._ "By-the-by, Smith, can you lend me that sovereign I
+gave you this morning for a Christmas-box?!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR RESERVES.
+
+_Captain of Rural Corps (calling over the roll)._ "George Hodge!" _(No
+answer.)_ "George Hodge!--Where on earth's George Hodge?"
+
+_Voice from the ranks._ "Please, sir, he's turned dissenter, and says
+fighting's wicked."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BUSY BISLEY
+
+SCENE--_Within measurable distance of Woking. Enter lounger and marksman
+R. and L._
+
+_Lounger (heartily)._ Why, I _am_ glad to see you! And how are things
+going on?
+
+_Marksman (cordially, but abruptly)._ Capitally! Good-bye!
+
+_Loung._ But I say, what a hurry you are in! Can't you stop a minute for
+a chat?
+
+_Marks._ Another time, but just now moments are precious.
+
+_Loung._ But I say, you see I have found myself here--it doesn't take
+much longer than getting down to Wimbledon.
+
+_Marks._ Of course it doesn't--whoever said it did? But there, old chap,
+I _must_ be off!
+
+_Loung._ You are in a hurry! Ah, we used to have pleasant days in the
+old place?
+
+_Marks._ Did we? I daresay we did.
+
+_Loung._ Why, of course! Grand old days! Don't you remember what fun it
+used to be decorating your tent; and then, when the ladies came
+down--which they did nearly all the day long--what larks it was getting
+them tea and claret-cup?
+
+_Marks._ Very likely. But we don't have many ladies now, and a good job,
+too--they _are_ a bore.
+
+_Loung._ Well, you _are_ a chap! Why, how can there be any fun without
+your sisters, and your cousins, and your maiden aunts?
+
+_Marks._ We don't want fun. But there, good-bye!
+
+_Loung._ But I say, I have come all this way to look you up.
+
+_Marks. (unbending)._ Very kind of you, my dear fellow, you have chosen
+rather an unfortunate time.
+
+_Loung._ Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing to do!
+
+_Marks._ Very likely. But then Bisley isn't Wimbledon.
+
+_Loung. (dryly)._ So it seems. Everyone said that when they moved the
+camp further away from home, they would ruin the meeting.
+
+_Marks._ Then everyone was wrong. Why, we are going on swimmingly.
+
+_Loung._ It must be beastly dull.
+
+_Marks._ Not at all. Lovely country, good range, and, after it rains,
+two minutes later it is dry as bone.
+
+_Loung._ Yes, but it stands to reason that it _can't_ be as popular as
+Wimbledon.
+
+_Marks._ My dear fellow, figures are the best test of that. In all the
+history of the Association we never had more entries than this year.
+
+_Loung._ That may be, but you don't have half the fun you had nearer
+town.
+
+_Marks. (laughing)._ Don't want to! Business, my dear fellow, not
+pleasure! And now, old man, I really _must_ be off. Ta! ta! See you
+later.
+
+    [_Exit._
+
+Loung. Well, whatever he may say, I prefer Wimbledon. And as there
+doesn't seem much for _me_ to do down here, I shall return to town.
+
+    [_Does so. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irascible Lieutenant (down engine-room tube)._ "Is there
+a blithering idiot at the end of this tube?"
+
+_Voice from Engine-room._ "Not at this end, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VOLO EPISCOPARI.
+
+_Festive Middy._ "I say, guv'nor! I think you must rather like being
+Bishop here!"
+
+_His Lordship._ "Well, my boy, I hope I do! But why do you ask?"
+
+_Festive Middy._ "Oh, I've just been taking a walk through the
+city,--and I _say_!--there _is_ an uncommonly good-looking lot o' girls
+about, and _no_ mistake!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NASTY ONE.
+
+_Colonel Smithson (of the Poonah Marines)._ "By the way, my boy at
+Sandhurst hopes to get into your regiment some day."
+
+_Little Simpson (of the Royal Hussars Green)._ "Aw--I--aw hope your son
+is up to _our form!_"
+
+_Colonel Smithson._ "_Your form!_ Dash it, he's over four feet high,
+anyhow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAUTION.
+
+_Old Gent (with difficulty)._ "Now really--Oh! this dis--graceful
+crowding--I'm--I'm positive my gun will go off!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHEEK.
+
+_(The regiment is about to "march out" with twenty rounds of "blank
+cartridge.")_
+
+_Sub-Lieutenant (of twenty-four hours' service)._ "Whereabouts is this
+pyrotechnic display of yours coming off, Colonel!!?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT PORTSMOUTH.
+
+_Jack._ "Well, Polly lass, if it's true as 'ow you're going to get
+spliced to Bill, all I 'opes is that he'll stick to you through thick
+and thin!"
+
+_Polly._ "Well, 'e _ought_ to, Jack. 'E works in a glue factory."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Awful bore, dear old chap. War offith won't have me,
+thimply becauth my eyethight ith tho doothed bad!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ARMS OF PRECISION
+
+_Volunteer Subaltern (as the enemy's scout continues to advance in spite
+of expenditure of much "blank" ammunition)._ "If that infernal yeoman
+comes any nearer, shy stones at him, some of you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FORLORN HOPE
+
+_Captain O'Dowd (of the firm of O'Dowd and Jones, stock-jobbers)._
+"What'll I do now? It's beyond me jumpin' powers, an' if I wade I'll be
+wet to the waist." _(To Private Halloran, who in civil life is a
+stockbroker's clerk)._ "Here, Halloran, I want a carry over. You do it
+for me, an' I'll not forget it to you, me lad."
+
+_Private Halloran._ "Sorry I can't, Captain. You know carryin'-over day
+is not till the sixteenth, an' this is only the seventh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LAY OF THE UNION JACK
+
+(_By a patriotic Cockney_)
+
+    Though I feel less at home on the bounding wave
+      Than I do on the firm dry land,
+    I can spin you a yarn of a right good craft
+      That is true-British owned and manned.
+    The winds may blow, and the storms may beat,
+      And the hurricanes rage and roar,
+    But "the ship I love" on her course will hold
+      With the Union Jack at the fore.
+
+    Fair weather or foul, she ploughs along,
+      Leaving far astern the strand,
+    And many a towering sister bark
+      We pass on the starboard hand,
+    And, Westward ho! as we bear away!
+      I can count stout ships galore,
+    Abeam, in our wake, and ahead, that fly
+      The Union Jack at the fore.
+
+    And the sight of the flag that has swept the seas,
+      Nor ever has known disgrace,
+    Makes even a landlubber's bosom swell
+      With the pride of his English race.
+    At that gallant sight in my landsman's heart
+      I rejoice--and rejoice still more
+    That I'm only aboard of a road-car 'bus,
+      With the Union Jack at the fore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "USED TO IT!"--_Officer at firing-point (who thinks that
+it's raining)._ "Sergeant Mauchline, hadn't you better wear your
+greatcoat till it's your turn to fire?" _Sergeant Mauchline (frae the
+"Land of Lorne")._ "Hoo! Nothe noo! I'll pit it on when it comes wat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DO'S AND DONT'S FOR VOLUNTEERS
+
+1. DON'T go to camp. But if you do,
+
+2. Don't get up when revally sounds. You'll find adjutant's parade
+in the early morning, the very early morning, such a beastly bore,
+and so bad for the liver that it is far wiser to stay in the
+"palliasse"--(besides, hasn't your doctor often told you that it is
+madness to suppose you can play such tricks at your time of life?)--they
+can only give you a few years' imprisonment for repeated mutinous
+conduct, and you could doubtless petition the Home Secretary for an
+aggravation of your sentence.
+
+3. Don't submit to harsh or cursory remarks from the adjutant. Do answer
+him back. You know quite well that in private life you would not put up
+with his hasty, ill-considered and offensive language, nor permit him to
+hector you because your collar was not clean, and if you _have_ come on
+parade without cleaning your belt or rifle, what right has he to say
+that it makes him furious? Do point out to him how absurd it is to
+expect such minute attention to discipline on the part of so
+intelligent a volunteer as yourself.
+
+4. Don't overtax your strength or weaken your heart by "doubling" up
+impossible hills, merely because the colonel (on a horse) thinks it
+looks pretty. Of course you would be perfectly ready to do anything that
+was necessary, but how can the empire's safety depend upon your losing
+your wind, when the enemy are some of your oldest friends, with a
+handkerchief tied round their sleeves?
+
+5. Do insist upon having hot water to shave with, and an extra blanket
+when the nights get chilly. Very probably the captain of your company
+would turn out of his bed and take your palliasse if you asked him
+nicely.
+
+6. Don't do any menial or degrading work, such as cleaning cooking
+utensils or greasing your own boots. The Government ought to know that
+gentlemen can't be expected to do that kind of work, and should provide
+an efficient staff of servants.
+
+7. Don't do anything you would rather not.
+
+8. Do set all military discipline at defiance. You probably know much
+better than your officers.
+
+9. Don't blame me if you find yourself in prison.
+
+10. Do make a stern resolution never to come to camp again.
+
+11. Don't keep it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUTS AT BISLEY
+
+_(Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast)_
+
+The shooting could not be more satisfactory _but_ for the customary
+"accident."
+
+Everyone would make a "bull" _but_ for the haze and the shiftiness of
+the wind.
+
+The catering is in every way excellent, _but_ heavy meals scarcely
+assist in getting on the target.
+
+It is delightful to entertain visitors--especially ladies--at the camp,
+_but_ champagne-cup and provisions generally run into money.
+
+It is healthy to sleep under canvas, _but_ when the thermometer marks
+ninety in the shade or the rain pours down in torrents a bed in an inn
+is preferable.
+
+Bisley is a beautiful place, _but_ Woking cemetery is a dismal
+neighbour.
+
+Distinctly it is nobly patriotic to spend a fortnight with the N. R. A.,
+in the cause of the fatherland, _but_ is it quite worth the trouble?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Swagger Yeomanry Officer._ "Bring out my charger."
+
+_Job-master's Foreman._ "Very sorry, sir, but e's just gorn to a
+funeral!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE ALWAYS WONDERED HIMSELF.
+
+(Scene--_General Inspection of Volunteer Battalion. Lieut.
+Tompkins--excellent fellow, but poor soldier--called out to show the
+General and British public what he knows._)
+
+_General._ "Now, sir, you now have the battalion in quarter
+column facing south. How would you get into line, in the quickest
+possible way, facing north-east?"
+
+_Tompkins (after much fruitless consideration)._ "Well, sir, do you
+know, that's always what I've wondered."
+
+    [_Report on subaltern officers--bad._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Miserable Sub (left at the depot)._ "I can't
+think, for the life of me, what excuse for two days' leave I'm to give
+the C. O. I've already weighed in with every one I can think of."
+
+_Second M. S._ "Easy enough, old chap. Kill your grandmother."
+
+_First M. S._ "Can't, dear boy. I'm keeping her for the Derby!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE WAY WE HAD IN THE ARMY." (1877).
+
+_Colonel (of the pre-examination period--to studious sub)._ "I say,
+youngster, you'll never make a soldier if you don't mind what you're
+about!"
+
+_Sub (mildly)._ "I should be sorry to think that, sir!"
+
+_Colonel._ "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking
+like a Methodist parson in reduced circumstances!--Hold up your head,
+sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the
+windows!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The 'orrid mess master made my kitching in, and hisself
+too, a-cleaning that there dratted rifle, after he'd been a booviackin'
+in the park!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DILEMMA.
+
+_Auxiliary Recruit (to himself)._ "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now?
+'Drill-sarjint tould me always to salute me officer with the far-off
+hand, and here's two iv 'em! Faix, I'll make it straight for meself
+anyhow!"
+
+    [_Throws up both hands._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OFF!"
+
+_Sergeant O'Leary._ "Double! Left! Right! What the blazes, Pat Rooney,
+d'ye mane by not doublin' wid the squad?"
+
+_Pat._ "Shure, sergeant, 'twasn't a fair start"!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LUCUS A NON," &c.
+
+_(Aiming drill.)_
+
+_Musketry Instructor._ "Now, then! How do you 'xpect to see the hobject
+haimed at, if you don't keep your heye closed?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Captain of Skirmishers (rushing in to seize picket sentries of the
+enemy)._ "Hullo! He-ar! You surrender to this company!"
+
+_Opposition Lance-Corporal._ "Beg pardon, sir! It's the other way, sir.
+We're a brigade, sir!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MILITARY ARDOUR.
+
+_Sentry (with mixed ideas of manual and platoon)._ "Gar'd t'n out!"
+
+_Commandant._ "Bless you, sir, what are you about?"
+
+_Sentry._ "Shure, I'm waitin' for the worr'd foire!"
+
+    [Extract from Field Exercise or Red Book, pocket edition, page
+    356:--_Sentries paying compliments:_ "To field officers he will
+    _present_ arms."
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VOLUNTEER TACTICS AT OUR AUTUMN MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Captain Wilkinson (excitedly, to Major Walker, of the firm of
+Wilkinson, Walker, & Co., Auctioneers and Estate Agents)._ "Don't you
+think we'd better bring our right wing round to attack the enemy's
+flank, so as to prevent their occupying those empty houses we have to
+let in Barker's Lane?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A POSER.
+
+_Sergeant-Major._ "Now, Private Smith, you know very well none but
+officers and non-commissioned officers are allowed to walk across this
+grass!"
+
+_Private Smith._ "But, sergeant-major, I've Captain Graham's verbal
+orders to----"
+
+_Sergeant-Major._ "None o' that, sir! Show me the captain's verbal
+orders! Show'm to me, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FOLLOW MY LEADER!"
+
+Captain Barble (East Suffolkshire R. V.) going to drill, has occasion to
+pass a certain window for reasons best known to himself. A vague idea
+possesses him that something is wrong somehow, or what should create
+such amusement on this occasion!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY DIALOGUES
+
+III
+
+HOW IT SHOULD NOT BE DONE
+
+    _Interior of a dreary room in the War Office. A tired-looking young
+    officer, in mufti, sits at a table with great piles of papers, each
+    bundle tied with red tape and ticketed with labels of different
+    colours, on one side of it ready to his hand. Another pile of
+    papers, which he has already dealt with, is on the other side of the
+    table. He is an official and has many letters, the first two being
+    D. A. after his name. The gas has just been lighted. A clerk brings
+    in another fat bundle of papers._
+
+_The Officer (patting the smaller pile on the table)._ These can go on,
+Smithers. That question of sardine-openers must go back to the
+commissariat, and the General commanding the Central District must be
+authorised to deal on his own responsibility with the matter of the
+fierce bull in the field where the recruits bathe. What have you got
+there?
+
+_The Clerk._ It is the correspondence, sir, relative to that false tooth
+requisitioned for by the officer commanding the Rutlandshire Regiment
+for the first cornet of the band. The Medical Department sent it back to
+us this morning, and there is another letter in from the Colonel,
+protesting against his regiment being forced to go route marching to an
+imperfect musical accompaniment.
+
+_The Officer (groaning)._ I thought we had got rid of that matter at
+last by sending it to the doctors.
+
+_The Clerk._ No, sir. The Surgeon-General has decided that "one tooth,
+false, with gold attachment," cannot be considered a medical comfort.
+
+_The Officer (taking a précis from the top of the papers)._ I suppose we
+must go into the matter again. It began with the letter from the Colonel
+to the General?
+
+_The Clerk._ Yes, sir, here it is. The O. C. the Rutland Regiment has
+the honour to report that the first cornet player in the band has lost
+a tooth, and as the band has become inefficient in the playing of
+marching music in consequence, he requests that a false tooth may be
+supplied at Government expense.
+
+_The Officer._ And the General, of course, replied in the usual formula
+that he had no fund available for such purpose.
+
+_The Clerk._ Yes, sir; but suggested that the regimental band fund might
+be drawn on.
+
+_The Officer._ Where is the Colonel's letter in reply. (It is handed to
+him.) Ah, yes. Band fund is established, he writes, for purchase of
+musical instruments and music, and not for repair of incomplete
+bandsmen, and refuses to authorise expense, except under order from the
+Commander-in-Chief.
+
+_The Clerk._ The General sends this on to us with a remark as to the
+Colonel's temper.
+
+_The Officer._ And we pass it to the Quarter-Master-General's people,
+suggesting that under certain circumstances a false tooth might be
+considered a "necessary," and a free issue made.
+
+_The Clerk._ A very long memo, on the subject, in reply, from the
+Q.-M.-G., sir. He points out that though, under exceptional
+circumstances, a pair of spectacles might be held to be a
+sight-protector, a false tooth could not be held to be either a fork, a
+spoon, a shaving-brush, a razor, or even an oil bottle.
+
+_The Officer._ We wrote back suggesting that it might pass as a
+"jag"--our little joke.
+
+_The Clerk._ _Your_ little joke, sir. The Q.-M.-G.'s people didn't see
+it.
+
+_The Officer._ No? Then the correspondence goes on to the Ordnance
+Department, with a suggestion that a false tooth might be considered an
+arm or an accoutrement.
+
+_The Clerk._ The Director-General replies, sir, that in the early days
+of the British Army, when the Army Clothing Department's sole issue was
+a supply of woad, a tooth, or indeed a nail, might have reasonably been
+indented for as a weapon, but that, owing to the introduction and
+perfection of fire-arms, such weapons are now obsolete and cannot be
+issued.
+
+_The Officer._ And now the Medical Service refuse to help us.
+
+_The Clerk._ Yes, sir. They cannot bring the fixing of it under the
+head of surgical operations, and the Surgeon-General points out very
+justly, if I may be permitted to say so, sir, that a seal-pattern false
+tooth could hardly be considered a "medical comfort."
+
+_The Officer._ What are we to do? The Colonel of the regiment is
+evidently furious.
+
+_The Clerk._ We might send the correspondence to the Inspector of Iron
+Structures. He may be able to do or suggest something.
+
+_The Officer._ Very well; and will you send off this telegram to my wife
+saying I have a long evening's work before me, and that I shall not be
+able to get back to dinner to-night? (_Exit the Clerk._) Whenever will
+they trust a General Commanding a District to spend for the public good
+on his own responsibility a sum as large as a schoolboy's allowance, and
+so take some of the unnecessary work off our shoulders?
+
+    [_He tackles wearily another file of papers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNDER COVER.
+
+"So glad to see you, Mrs. Bamsby! And how is your dear husband? Where
+_is_ the Colonel? I was only saying the other day, 'I wonder when I
+shall see Colonel Bamsby!'"
+
+_Mrs. Colonel B._ "You'll see him _now_, my dear if I just step aside,
+or you walk round me."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EASTER MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Adjutant._ "Your orders are that when you are attacked, Captain
+Slasher, you are to fall back slowly."
+
+_Capt. Slasher._ "In which direction am I to retire, sir?"
+
+_Adjutant._ "Well, the proper way, of course, would be over that hill,
+but--_they intend to have lunch behind that farmhouse in the valley._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SYNONYMOUS."
+
+_Instructor._ "Now, I've explained the different 'sights,' you, Private
+Dumpy, tell me what a fine 'sight' is. Describe it as well as you
+can----"
+
+_Private Dumpy._ "A fine sight, sir? A fine sight--(_pondering_)--'s a
+magnificen' spe'tacle, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VOLUNTEER MANOEUVRES
+
+_Sergeant._ "Can I do anything for you, captain?"
+
+_Captain._ "Why, thanky, sergeant. If you wouldn't mind giving my other
+leg a hitch over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MULTUM IN PARVO
+
+_Inspecting Officer._ "How is it your khaki is so much too small?"
+
+_Stout Yeoman._ "It do seem a bit skimpy, sur. But tailor says as how
+I'm bound to grow a 'eap smaller on hactive service, an' 'e's allowin'
+for shrinkage."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSTRUCTIONS TO NAUTICAL MEN IN THE NOBLE ART OF QUADRILLE DANCING
+
+LE PANTALON.--Haul upon the starboard tack and let the other craft
+pass--then bear up and get your head on the other tack--regain your
+berth on the port tack--back and fill with your partner and boxhaul
+her--wear round twice against the sun in company with the opposite
+craft, then your own--afterwards boxhaul her again and bring her up.
+
+L'ETE.--Shoot ahead about two fathoms till you nearly come stem on with
+the other craft under weigh--then make a stern board to your berth and
+side out for a bend, first to starboard, then to port--make sail and
+pass the opposite craft--then get your head round on the other
+tack--another side to starboard and port--then make sail to regain your
+berth--wear round, back and fill and boxhaul your partner.
+
+LA POULE.--Heave ahead and pass your adversary yard-arm to
+yard-arm--regain your berth on the other tack in the same order--take
+your station in a line with your partner--back and fill--fall on your
+heel and bring up with your partner--she then manoeuvres ahead and
+heaves all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and pays off
+alongside--you then make sail in company, till nearly stem on with the
+other line--make a stern board and cast her off to shift for
+herself--regain your berth in the best means possible, and let go your
+anchor.
+
+LA TRENISE.--Wear round as before against the sun twice, boxhaul the
+lady, and range up alongside her, and make sail in company--when
+half-way across to the other shore drop astern with the tide--shoot
+ahead again and cast off the tow--now back and fix as before and boxhaul
+her and yourself into your berth, and bring up.
+
+LA PASTORALE.--Shoot ahead alongside your partner, then make a stern
+board--again make all sail over to the other coast--let go the hawser,
+and pay off into your own berth and take a turn--the three craft
+opposite range up abreast towards you twice, and back astern again--now
+manoeuvre any rig you like, only under easy sail, as it is always
+"light winds" (zephyrs) in this passage--as soon as you see their helms
+down, haul round in company with them on port tack--then make all sail
+with your partner into your own berth, and bring up.
+
+LA FINALE.--Wear round to starboard, passing under your partner's
+bows--sight the catheads of craft on your starboard bow--then make sail
+into your own berth--your partner passing athwart your bows--now proceed
+according to the second order of sailing--to complete the evolutions
+shoot ahead and back astern twice, in company with the whole squadron,
+in the circular order of sailing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT THE "BRITISH GRENADIER" IS INEVITABLY COMING TO
+
+    Some talk of Alexander, and some of Pericles,
+    Of Hector and Lysander, and such old guys as these;
+    But of all the horrid objects, the "wust" I do declare,
+    Is the Prusso-Russo-Belgo-Gallo-British Grenadier.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE RESERVE FORCES."
+
+_Militia Officer._ "Augh!--a new man. Ah--'ve you been in 'service
+before?"
+
+_Recruit._ "Yes, sir."
+
+_Officer._ "Augh--what regiment?"
+
+_Recruit._ "Mrs. Wiggins's coachman, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+THE END
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch on the Warpath
+       Humours of the Army, The Navy and The Reserve Forces
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Reginald Cleaver et al
+
+Release Date: November 26, 2011 [EBook #38146]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
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+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH</h1>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_cover.png">
+<img src="images/i_cover.png" width="100%" alt="Cover" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3>
+
+<p>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable
+the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.</p>
+
+<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3>
+
+<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></center>
+
+<p>Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_002.png">
+<img src="images/i_002.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. P. as sentry" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_003.png">
+<img src="images/i_003.png" width="100%" alt="Military Education" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Military Education.</span></h3>
+<p><i>General.</i> "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of cavalry in modern
+warfare?"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. de Bridoon.</i> "Well, I suppose to give tone to what would otherwise
+be a mere vulgar brawl!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 15%">
+<a href="images/i_004.png">
+<img src="images/i_004.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. P at attention" /></a>
+</div>
+<h2>MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH</h2>
+
+<br />
+<h4>HUMOURS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE RESERVE FORCES</h4>
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<center><i>WITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></center>
+<br /><br /><br />
+
+<center>BY</center>
+
+<p>REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE,<br />
+ L. RAVEN-HILL, C. L. POTT, CHARLES PEARS, E. T. REED,<br />
+ J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, G. D. ARMOUR, FRED. PEGRAM,<br />
+GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND OTHERS.</p>
+<br />
+
+<center>PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"<br /><br />
+<br />
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3>
+
+<center><i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages<br />
+fully illustrated</i><br />
+<br />
+LIFE IN LONDON<br />
+<br />
+COUNTRY LIFE<br />
+<br />
+IN THE HIGHLANDS<br />
+<br />
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+IRISH HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+COCKNEY HUMOUR<br />
+<br />
+IN SOCIETY<br />
+<br />
+AFTER DINNER STORIES<br />
+<br />
+IN BOHEMIA<br />
+<br />
+AT THE PLAY<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br />
+<br />
+ON THE CONTINONG<br />
+<br />
+RAILWAY BOOK<br />
+<br />
+AT THE SEASIDE<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br />
+<br />
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br />
+<br />
+WITH ROD AND GUN<br />
+<br />
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br />
+<br />
+BOOK OF SPORTS<br />
+<br />
+GOLF STORIES<br />
+<br />
+IN WIG AND GOWN<br />
+<br />
+ON THE WARPATH<br />
+<br />
+BOOK OF LOVE<br />
+<br />
+WITH THE CHILDREN<br />
+</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_005.png">
+<img src="images/i_005.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. P  with telescope." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_005.png">
+<img src="images/i_006.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. P with drummers" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h2>"FORWARD!"</h2>
+
+<p>Was there ever protean like <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span>! The little man is a wonder. In so
+many guises do we encounter him&mdash;now as tourist, again as playgoer, as
+huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home
+philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where
+not and how not?&mdash;that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on
+the warpath. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people?</p>
+
+<p>Of course it may be suggested that in the present book we do not have
+what is entirely a record of his achievements on many a well-fought
+field. There are not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic
+battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only recent experience
+of the real thing leaves <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> too sore of heart to say much about
+it. But as we are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> prepare
+for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, we are always
+"preparing"&mdash;hence, perhaps, the reason why we are never ready. But
+there is a deal of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to
+<span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span>. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the past Charles Keene
+found many of his happiest subjects in the humours of military life and
+volunteering, while to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic
+volunteer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many brilliant aiders
+and abettors.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> is, by turns, general, drum major, full private, cavalry man
+and "kiltie," he is also A. B. when the occasion serves, and would be
+horse-marine if necessary! At all events he has given the command, and
+it's "Forward!"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/i_007.png">
+<img src="images/i_007.png" width="100%" alt="Singing sailor." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i_008.png">
+<img src="images/i_008.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. P on horseback." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="smcap">Waterloo up-to-date</span> <i>(a fact.)</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Belgian Guide.</i> Ze brave Picton 'e fall in ze arms of <i>victoire</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Facetious Britisher.</i> Where was Lord Roberts?</p>
+
+<p><i>Guide (not to be done).</i> Lord Robert 'e stand on <i>zis montagne</i>, and 'e
+cry, "Hoop, Garde, and at zem!"</p>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The report that there are 46,719 total abstainers in the British Army is
+welcome news, but what grieves recruiting officers is the number of
+total abstainers from the British Army.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Curious Military Fact.</span>&mdash;The seat of war is always the spot where two
+forces are standing up to one another.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">A Spot to be avoided by Royal Artillerymen.</span>&mdash;Gunnersbury.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Advice for Martinets.</span>&mdash;Military authorities should consider whether it
+would not be advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the
+tidiness of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Among Warriors</span>.</center>
+
+<p><i>Interested Patron.</i> So I see you lost an arm in the battle.</p>
+
+<p><i>An Atkins ("back from the Front").</i> Ay, sir, and my companion here
+<i>(indicating Atkins No. 2)</i> he lost a leg.</p>
+
+<p><i>Patron.</i> And your Colonel&mdash;in the same battle, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Atkins No. 2.</i> Ah! he was worse off than either of us, sir; he lost his
+head.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Army Chaplains.</span>&mdash;Wouldn't they be all doubly serviceable in time of war
+if they were all canons?</p>
+<br />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_010.png">
+<img src="images/i_010.png" width="100%" alt="Nelson fell" /></a>
+<p><i>Bluejacket (in charge of party of sightseers).</i> "Here
+Nelson fell."</p>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "An' I don't wonder at it, poor dear. Nasty slippery place!
+I nearly fell there myself!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>"THE BLACK WATCH"</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Black Watch will go night and day.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Black Watch always keeps time.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Black Watch is never out of gear.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Black Watch wants no "winding up."</p>
+<p class="i0">The Black Watch can be warranted for any period.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers).</i> Now tell
+me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso?</p>
+
+<p><i>P. of D. F.</i> Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of
+bullets that missed me.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Mystery from Shoebury.</span>&mdash;When does the cannon ball? When the
+Vickers-Maxim.</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p>"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her
+niece, "I <i>do</i> know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is.
+It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am
+not so ignorant as you may think."</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_012.png">
+<img src="images/i_012.png" width="100%" alt="reading letter" /></a>
+<p><i>Fond Mother (reading letter from only son at the
+front).</i> "Charlie says our Generals are perfect idiots!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>How to represent the Army.</i>&mdash;Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied
+with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a
+Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes.
+Regimental levée scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat
+attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to represent the Navy.</i>&mdash;Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors.
+Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver
+letters H.M.S. <i>Coquette</i>. Hair built up <i>à la</i> "Belle of New York"
+surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Something Military.</span>&mdash;The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess,
+individually and collectively, more money than those of any other
+regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so&mdash;we name no
+names&mdash;these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">How Effectually to Produce "Silence in the Ranks.</span>"&mdash;Use the <i>Dum Dum</i>
+bullets.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_014.png">
+<img src="images/i_014.png" width="100%" alt="Paid in his own Coin" /></a>
+<p><span class="smcap">Paid in his own Coin; or, what we should like to see.</span></p>
+<p><i>Convicted Contractor.</i> "Look here! I can't walk in these boots, and I
+can't eat this food!"</p>
+<p><i>Warder Punch</i>. "Well, you've got to; it's what you supplied to the
+troops."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_015.png">
+<img src="images/i_015.png" width="100%" alt="OUR NON-COMS" /></a>
+<h3>OUR NON-COMS.</h3>
+<p><i>Orderly Sergeant (to officer).</i> "Beg your pardon, sorr, but 'm wan
+ration short. Who will I give it to?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_016.png">
+<img src="images/i_016.png" width="100%" alt="Military Peril" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Military Peril.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Old Lady (to member of signalling section, who has just commenced to
+reply to a message).</i> "Young man, if you think to alarm <i>me</i> by wagging
+those flags about, you are very much mistaken!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY</h2>
+
+<p>That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight.</p>
+
+<p>That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more
+easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries
+and cream.</p>
+
+<p>That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in
+the neighbourhood on a bicycle.</p>
+
+<p>That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly
+"shoppy."</p>
+
+<p>That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links
+or tyres.</p>
+
+<p>That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to
+Waterloo in forty minutes.</p>
+
+<p>That life under canvas is recommended by the doctors when it is subject
+to certain favourable climatic conditions.</p>
+
+<p>That, with the power of enjoying your outing to the end, or cutting it
+short at the beginning, you can yet claim credit for your self-denial
+and patriotism.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_018.png">
+<img src="images/i_018.png" width="100%" alt="Corona Finit Opus" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Corona Finit Opus.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mary Anne.</i> "When are they going to start this army reform they talk
+such a lot about?"</p>
+<p><i>Private Atkins.</i> "Why bless your 'eart, <i>it's all
+done</i>! Look at our new caps!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_019.png">
+<img src="images/i_019.png" width="100%" alt="ALDERSHOT CAMPAIGN" /></a>
+<h3>THE ALDERSHOT CAMPAIGN</h3>
+<p><i>Private Sweeny (Highland regiment).</i> "Colony bog, is it? Thin bedad! I
+wish I was back in Tipperary!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_020.png">
+<img src="images/i_020.png" width="100%" alt="BANTING IN THE YEOMANRY" /></a>
+<h3>BANTING IN THE YEOMANRY</h3>
+<p><i>Troop Sergeant-Major.</i> "It comes to this, captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a
+new jacket or knock off one o' my meals!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>UNIFORMITY</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Pall Mall. Enter officer in full uniform hurriedly. He is
+stopped by messenger.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Messenger.</i> Yes, sir?</p>
+<p><i>Officer.</i> I want to see the Commander-in-Chief at once.</p>
+
+<p><i>Messenger.</i> Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman who has just entered
+the room is likely to be there for the next three hours. He came here
+two minutes before your arrival.</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer.</i> But is a civilian allowed to take precedence of an officer in
+full uniform?</p>
+
+<p><i>Messenger.</i> Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a civilian; but an
+officer like yourself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer.</i> And yet he is admitted in mufti! Why, here have I had to come
+up from the country in full rig, being chaffed at the railway station,
+grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the crowd!</p>
+
+<p><i>Messenger.</i> Yes, sir. Very sorry you should have been inconvenienced,
+sir, especially as it was unnecessary, sir!</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer.</i> Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day
+that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose
+whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and
+regiment?</p>
+
+<p><i>Messenger.</i> No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the <i>second</i> of April, is the
+proper date. To-day, sir, is the <i>first</i> of April.</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer.</i> And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date!
+Quite the most appropriate date!</p>
+
+<p><i>Messenger.</i> Yes, sir!</p>
+
+<center>(<i>Curtain.</i>)</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p>The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot
+soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea&mdash;as some persons profess
+to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted
+Cavalry.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">An Impossible Man&oelig;uvre in Autumn.</span>&mdash;To be in the March past.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best Military Drawing.</span>&mdash;Drawing your pay.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_022.png">
+<img src="images/i_022.png" width="100%" alt="The Handy Man" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Handy Man.</span></h3>
+<p>What he will have to become, if
+recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more new
+battleships are constructed.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_024.png">
+<img src="images/i_024.png" width="100%" alt="DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE" /></a>
+<h3>DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE</h3>
+<p><i>Hector.</i> "Now then, young feller&mdash;who are you staring at?"</p>
+<p><i>Hodge.</i> "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? <i>I pays vor yer!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>NOT FOR PATRICK!</h3>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new
+Irish Guards."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees,</p>
+<p class="i0">As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P's?</p>
+<p class="i0">Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches,</p>
+<p class="i0">An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl</p>
+<p class="i0">Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl!</p>
+<p class="i0">No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it,</p>
+<p class="i0">But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p>In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have
+decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on
+marriage or promotion, <i>or in respect of any minor irregularities</i>." In
+future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted
+will not need to say, with the <i>King of Denmark</i>, "O, my offence is
+rank!"</p>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_026.png">
+<img src="images/i_026.png" width="100%" alt="Four Belles." /></a>
+<h3>"MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS"</h3>
+<center>Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MILITARY SURGERY</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Field-Marshal Punch.</span>&mdash;In a telegram from the seat of war this week
+I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's
+main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your
+skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either
+verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I
+presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were
+carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of
+arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as
+to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of
+his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where
+were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be
+correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army
+in Flanders never practised such lopsided man&oelig;uvres.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours respectfully,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Corporal Trim</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_028.png">
+<img src="images/i_028.png" width="100%" alt="All&#39;s Well" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">All's Well!</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Cockney Volunteer</i> (<i>on sentry go</i>).
+"Halt! Who goes there?"</p>
+<p><i>Rustic.</i> "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_029.png">
+<img src="images/i_029.png" width="100%" alt="hide behind his boots" /></a>
+<h3>SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE</h3>
+<p>"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his
+boots!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><i>Elder Sister</i> (<i>coming up</i>). "Kitty! what have you been saying to
+Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Kitty</i> (<i>engaged to the Captain</i>). "I only told him that if he had gone
+to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">War News.</span>&mdash;"Reports of Conflicts," <i>i.e.</i>, "Conflicting Reports."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"AN ARMED NATION"</h2>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men
+joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Press.</i>]</p>
+
+<center>EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES</center>
+
+<p>1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible,
+and then passed on to the next man.</p>
+
+<p>2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> it is to shoot, shall
+be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.</p>
+
+<p>3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at
+"attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.</p>
+
+<p>4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for
+so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the
+rifle&mdash;<i>i.e.</i> one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close
+his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave
+only seven men out of ten unemployed.</p>
+
+<p>5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the
+enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.</p>
+
+<p>6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to
+wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after
+being fired off.</p>
+
+<p>7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall
+not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to
+take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary
+comrade.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_030.png">
+<img src="images/i_030.png" width="100%" alt="Am I to shalute him" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>North Cork Militia Man.</i> "Am I to shalute him, or no?
+Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniral."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_032.png">
+<img src="images/i_032.png" width="100%" alt="saddle won&#39;t go on horse" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Imperial Yeomanry.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Recruit.</i> "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on
+this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is
+legs through nohow!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE NECESSARY KIT</h2>
+
+    <p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;["A housewife will now form part of the free kit of
+    necessaries."&mdash;<i>Army Order.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man,</p>
+<p class="i0">That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann.</p>
+<p class="i0">Well, now 'ere's the latest horder&mdash;just yer take a read of it&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said!</p>
+<p class="i0">But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead.</p>
+<p class="i0">Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit,</p>
+<p class="i0">For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet,</p>
+<p class="i0">That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get,</p>
+<p class="i0">'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit</p>
+<p class="i0">If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell,</p>
+<p class="i0">And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall,</p>
+<p class="i0">But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit,</p>
+<p class="i0">If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Advance Notes</span>" (<i>Military</i>).&mdash;The bugler's.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_034.png">
+<img src="images/i_034.png" width="100%" alt="you mustn&#39;t cry" /></a>
+<p><i>Boatswain</i> (<i>to newly-joined cadet</i>). "Come, my little
+man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did
+your mother cry when you left?"</p>
+<p><i>Cadet.</i> "Yes, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Boatswain.</i> "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"</p>
+<p><i>Cadet.</i> "Yes, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Boatswain.</i> "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"</p>
+<p><i>Cadet.</i> "No, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Boatswain.</i> "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_035.png">
+<img src="images/i_035.png" width="100%" alt="A Little Knowledge" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">A Little Knowledge.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Fair Visitor</i> (<i>with a thirst for military knowledge</i>). "So all the
+kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many
+pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"</p>
+<p><i>Gallant Major.</i> "Really&mdash;er&mdash;I've no&mdash;er&mdash;idea, I'm sure, don't
+y'know."</p>
+<p><i>Fair Visitor.</i> "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_036.png">
+<img src="images/i_036.png" width="100%" alt="the tint&#39;s round" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>to Irish sentry on guard tent</i>). "Why don't
+you face your proper front, sentry?"</p>
+<p><i>Sentry.</i> "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_037.png">
+<img src="images/i_037.png" width="100%" alt="they call it &#39;mutton,&#39;" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Sandhurst and its Messes.</span></h3>
+<p><i>General Bouncer</i> (<i>on a round of inspection at Sandhurst</i>). "Augh! Can
+you tell me what 'mess' this is?"</p>
+<p><i>Cadet.</i> "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_038.png">
+<img src="images/i_038.png" width="100%" alt="VOLUNTEER REVIEW" /></a>
+<h3>A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865)</h3>
+<p>The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal
+hotel.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_039.png">
+<img src="images/i_039.png" width="100%" alt="Explained." /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Explained.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Auntie</i> (<i>explaining morning man&oelig;uvres of
+His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall</i>).
+"Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the
+whole lot&mdash;and then there's two more!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[Youthful niece sees.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_040.png">
+<img src="images/i_040.png" width="100%" alt="Songs and their Singers" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Songs and their Singers.</span>&mdash;<i>Jack</i> (<i>singing at the top of
+his voice</i>)&mdash;"There's only <i>one</i> girl in the world for me!"&mdash;<i>Popular
+Song.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_041.png">
+<img src="images/i_041.png" width="100%" alt="zebra mules" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>[According to the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> zebra mules have been
+introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>Would not their introduction&mdash;as above&mdash;into Whitehall lend a new
+and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene?</p></blockquote>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">On the Army.</span></center>
+
+<p>Astonishing lot of nonsense the <i>Daily Wire</i> prints about military
+affairs ... no, I do <i>not</i> waste my time reading it. Any intelligent
+citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And
+our army is rotten, madam&mdash;rotten to the core.... What? That reminds
+you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please&mdash;I'm not
+talking about apples. Just consider these man&oelig;uvres, and the plain
+common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in
+England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I
+didn't say they <i>had</i> interfered with us&mdash;but just think of the
+disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of
+defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive
+frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him
+that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen
+to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> dress
+bills&mdash;but I was talking about the army.</p>
+
+<p>Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life
+do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating
+luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in
+horse-ponds&mdash;there's a life for you.... What do you know <i>about</i> it,
+Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell <i>him</i> something
+then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense&mdash;like myself&mdash;don't mean to
+stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No,
+I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are
+absolutely necessary.</p>
+
+<p>First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of
+brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great
+army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve
+his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of
+English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do
+wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll
+have to wait<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he
+comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and&mdash;eh?
+Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his
+training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high
+wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system
+takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!...
+If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the
+<i>Daily Wire</i> on the subject.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the
+Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with
+the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the
+breach for this purpose.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Private Atkins</i> (<i>who has been checked for a dirty rifle</i>). 'Ere, it's
+all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a
+bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle
+with 'is naked heye!</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Bazaar in aid of Military Funds.</span>&mdash;"Oh, the wild charge they
+made!"</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_042.png">
+<img src="images/i_042.png" width="100%" alt="Our artist at the back" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt,</p>
+<p class="i0">When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."</p>
+<p class="i0">Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.</p>
+<p class="i0">Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_044.png">
+<img src="images/i_044.png" width="100%" alt="Our Reserves" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Reserves</span>.</h3>
+<p><i>A.-D.-C</i>. "What the deuce are you men
+doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing
+ball cartridge, not blank."</p>
+<p><i>Unmoved Private</i> (<i>who has found an excellent place from which to view
+the attack practice</i>). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought
+'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_046.png">
+<img src="images/i_046.png" width="100%" alt="Unrecorded History" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Unrecorded History.</span></h3>
+<p>A review of the Royal (Sub)marines
+near the Goodwin Sands.<br /><br /> (<i>You could hardly "tell the Marines" in their
+new sub-aqueous uniform.</i>)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL MEDALS.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> are happy to announce that the Lords of the Admiralty have issued an
+order for the distribution of medals to the officers and seamen who
+served in the naval actions hereunder specified. We understand the
+medals are of gold, set round with diamonds of the most costly
+description. Great caution will be used in the distribution, to prevent
+fraud in personating deceased officers, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">&mdash;A.D. 876.</span> King Alfred's engagement with and destruction of the
+Danish fleet.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">&mdash;1350.</span> Great sea-fight between the English and the combined fleets
+of France and Spain.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">&mdash;1588.</span> Destruction of the Spanish Armada.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">&mdash;1702.</span> Admiral Benbow's engagement with the French.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">&mdash;1761.</span> Siege and capture of Belleisle.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>N.B. No officer or seaman will be entitled to a medal in respect of the
+last-mentioned siege, unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was
+"there all the while."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_048.png">
+<img src="images/i_048.png" width="100%" alt="Rather Severe" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Rather Severe.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Regular</i> (<i>man&oelig;uvring with Yeomanry</i>). "Got to give up my arms, have
+I? Umph! This comes of going out with a lot of darned Volunteers."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_049.png">
+<img src="images/i_049.png" width="100%" alt="First Day in Camp" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Yeomanry Man&oelig;uvres.</span> (<span class="smcap">First Day in Camp.</span>)&mdash;<i>Officer.</i>
+"What's all this? What are you doing with that cask?"</p>
+<p><i>Trooper.</i> "Tent equipment, sir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_050.png">
+<img src="images/i_050.png" width="100%" alt="Our Review" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Review.</span></h3>
+<p>The colonel is wondering what man&oelig;uvre he
+ought to execute in the circumstances.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_051.png">
+<img src="images/i_051.png" width="100%" alt="Man&oelig;uvres" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Man&oelig;uvres.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Lieutenant Nobs</i> (<i>just arrived</i>). "How
+long will you take to drive me to the fort, Cabby?"</p>
+<p><i>Cabby.</i> "Ten minutes, Capting, by the shortcut through the halleys. But
+the military allus goes the long way round, through the fashionable part
+o' the town, yer honour, which takes an hour."</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Cabby gets his hour.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_053.png">
+<img src="images/i_052.png" width="100%" alt="technical Education" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Technical Education in the Army.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>examining a Mounted Infantry class</i>). "Well, I think you
+understand about the hoof and what the frog is. Now, just tell me where
+you would expect to find corns?"</p>
+<p><i>Mounted Infantry Recruit</i> (<i>suspecting a catch</i>). "In the manger,
+sir."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_053.png">
+<img src="images/i_053.png" width="100%" alt="Military Intelligence" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Military Intelligence.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Musketry Instructor</i> (<i>who wishes, by simple practical examples, to
+bring the fact of the air's resistance and elasticity to the mind of
+intelligent pupil, No. 450, Private Jones</i>), <i>loq.</i> "For instance, you
+have seen an air-cushion, and felt that it contained something you could
+not compress. What was it?"</p>
+<p><i>Private Jones</i> (<i>readily</i>). "'Orse 'air, sir!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Enthusiastic instructor tries again.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_054.png">
+<img src="images/i_054.png" width="100%" alt="Diversions of Drill" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Diversions of Drill (1860).</span></h3>
+<p><i>Captain of Volunteers.</i> "Dress back, No. 3, do dress back. Comp'ny!
+Fours! As y' were! No. 3, Mr. Buffles, how often am I to speak to you,
+sir? Will you dress back, sir; further still, sir. You are not dressed
+exactly yet, sir, by a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Buffles</i> (<i>goaded to madness</i>). "Bet yer five pounds I am&mdash;there!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 10%">
+<a href="images/i_055.png">
+<img src="images/i_055.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the Secretary of State for War
+is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing
+facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers
+and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad
+to notice, from the subjoined advertisement, which appeared in the
+<i>Daily News</i>, that the public themselves are taking the matter in
+hand:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid for one lady. Light,
+comfortable situation. Good wages.&mdash;Apply, &amp;c.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that
+usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and
+"comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to
+look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>
+occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms.
+Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably
+wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the
+kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog,
+larding a pheasant.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p>By the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. <i>Buzzard</i> has been anchored as a
+permanent guardship of honour immediately opposite the approach to <i>Mr
+Punch's</i> offices in Bouverie Street. The compliment is much appreciated.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p>Further changes in our Navy are announced. Chaplains are to be
+abolished, and the navigating officers are to include in their duties
+those of sky-pilots.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">A Cockney's Question on the Navy.</span>&mdash;Does a Port Admiral mean an Admiral
+who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for
+service till he is very old?</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Jovial Crew.</span>&mdash;Jack Tars in a jolly-boat.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_056.png">
+<img src="images/i_056.png" width="100%" alt="In the Sick Bay" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">In the Sick Bay.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Fleet Surgeon.</i> "There doesn't seem much wrong with you, my man. What's
+the matter?"</p>
+<p><i>A. B.</i> "Well, sir, it's like this, sir. I <i>eats</i> well, an' I <i>drinks</i>
+well, an' I <i>sleeps</i> well; but when I sees a job of work&mdash;there, I'm all
+of a tremble!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_058.png">
+<img src="images/i_058.png" width="100%" alt="Field Training Notes" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Field Training Notes.</span></h3>
+<p>(<i>Aldershot.</i>) <i>General</i> (<i>to
+Irish recruit</i>). "Can you tell me how many species of pack animals there
+are?"</p>
+<p>(<i>No answer.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>General.</i> "Well, do you know <i>any</i> kind of pack animal?"</p>
+<p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>inspired by recollection of many days' pack-drill</i>.) "Yes,
+sorr. A defaulter, sorr!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_059.png">
+<img src="images/i_059.png" width="100%" alt="make sketches as you go" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>who is taking a turn round to see how his
+subs are getting along with their road sketching</i>). "You know, this
+won't do. You should be able to <i>ride</i> about the country, and make
+sketches as you go."</p>
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>not getting along at all nicely, thank you</i>). "Well, sir, if I
+could do that, sir, I should chuck up the army, and join a circus!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_060.png">
+<img src="images/i_060.png" width="100%" alt="Couldn&#39;t make &#39;un Speak" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Couldn't make 'un Speak.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Infuriated C. O. 10th V. B. Mudfordshire Fusiliers</i> (<i>who has ordered
+bugler to sound the "Cease fire" several times without effect</i>). "Don't
+you hear me, fellow? Why the deuce don't you sound the 'Cease fire' when
+I tell you?"</p>
+<p><i>His Bugler.</i> "If ye plaze, zur, a've blowed a quid o' bacca down spout
+t'ould trumputt, awn I can't make un speak!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, has decided
+that the 'quiff' is 'unsoldierly,' and 'disfiguring,' and has
+ukased its abolition. The 'quiff' is the forelock worn by Mr.
+Thomas Atkins."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German
+Army.</i></p>
+
+<p>Dere Ole Sauerkraut,&mdash;Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the
+Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm
+blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in
+the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we
+gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! I must tell
+yer we wears a hartful curl on our forrids wot is knowed as a "quiff,"
+and I give yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite! Susan (with lots
+o' cash as bein' only daughter of a plumber), wot I walks out with,
+simply 'angs on to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our colonel
+says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to
+bloomin' well<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with Susan.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yores melancholy-like,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Thomas Atkins</span>.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<blockquote><p>["The German uniform is to be changed to a grey-brown. The officers
+are particularly annoyed at the change, and complain that they
+might at least have been allowed to keep the bright buttons on
+their tunics. These are also to be dulled down to the new drab
+<i>régime</i>. Everything that is not strictly utilitarian&mdash;tassels,
+lace, and decorations&mdash;is to be banished from the
+parade-ground."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<center><i>Letter from a Private in the German Army to a Private in the British
+Army.</i></center>
+
+<p>Mein Gut Friend,&mdash;We haf the both trouble much got! You haf the
+beautiful Susan <i>verloren</i>. I my Katrine am deprived of. Because why? I
+was so schmart lookin' in mein regimentalen blue dat Katrine fell in
+luff with me on first sighten and called me in ways of fun her leetle
+"blue <i>teufel</i>"<i>!</i> But now, ach Himmel! she at me <i>cochet die snooken!</i>
+"Cuts," as you say. I broken-ar-arted quite am. Because why? The Office
+die Warren as us ordered to take off der blue regimentalen. We haf in
+brown-grey to dress ourselves. Ah! dirdy, bad, rotten colour! And no
+more ze <i>schon</i> buttons to haf that the beating heart of Katrine
+conquered. Farewell to Katrine! She brown ates.&mdash;Zo longen</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Karl Schneider.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h3><span class="smcap">Query by the Navy League.</span></h3>
+<center>Does Brittania rule the waves, or does she
+mean to waive her rule?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><i>Commander.</i> What is your complaint against this boy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Bluejacket.</i> Well, sir, as I was a-walkin' arft, this 'ere boy, 'e up
+an' calls me a bloomin' idjit. Now, 'ow would you like to be called a
+bloomin' idjit, supposin' you wasn't one?</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_062.png">
+<img src="images/i_062.png" width="100%" alt="Perils of war" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Perils of Mimic War.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Motor Lieutenant, Motor Volunteer Corps</i> (<i>to General in his charge</i>).
+"I say, sir, if we"&mdash;(<i>bump!</i>)&mdash;"upset"&mdash;(<i>bang!</i>)&mdash;"shall I
+get"&mdash;(<i>bump! bang!</i>)&mdash;"a military funeral too?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_064.png">
+<img src="images/i_064.png" width="100%" alt=" Help, somebody!" /></a>
+<p><i>Perilous position of a gallant officer of Volunteers, on
+a recent march, who (ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hired
+charger) chooses the cooling waters of the ford in preference to the
+bridge.</i> "Here! Hi! Help, somebody! Hold on! I mean halt! He won't come
+out, and he wants to lie down, and I believe he's going to rear!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_065.png">
+<img src="images/i_065.png" width="80%" alt="NAVAL REVIEW" /></a>
+<h3>NAVAL REVIEW (<i>From an Antique</i>)</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Trafalgar Day.</span>&mdash;(<i>At the Board School.</i>) <i>Teacher.</i> Now can any boy tell
+me why Nelson's column was erected in Trafalgar Square?</p>
+<p><i>Johnny Grimes</i> (<i>immediately</i>). Please, sir, to 'elp 'im up to 'eaven,
+when 'e died in the arms of the Wictory.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_066.png">
+<img src="images/i_066.png" width="100%" alt="REMOUNTS FOR THE YEOMANRY" /></a>
+<h3>REMOUNTS FOR THE YEOMANRY</h3>
+<p><i>Horse-buying "Expert."</i> "Yes, it certainly does look more like a
+'towel-horse' than anything else; still it'll have to do!"&mdash;Passed.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_067.png">
+<img src="images/i_067.png" width="100%" alt="dreadfully stout" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>"How dreadfully stout the general is getting!"</p>
+<p>"Yes, isn't it fortunate? Otherwise he wouldn't be able to wear all his
+medals!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SOOTHSAYINGS FOR SAILORS</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Augury from fowls of air</p>
+<p class="i2">Back to Tuscan gramarye dates.</p>
+<p class="i0">Birds in February pair:</p>
+<p class="i2">Now then, skippers, choose your mates.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_068.png">
+<img src="images/i_068.png" width="100%" alt="IMPERTINENT CURIOSITY" /></a>
+<h3>IMPERTINENT CURIOSITY</h3>
+<p><i>Military Man.</i> "Well! What are yer a starin' at&mdash;ain't yer never seed a
+sodger before?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE FORTUNE OF WAR</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A fragment of a Military Romance, to be published a few years hence</i>)</center>
+
+<blockquote><p>["The long-proposed introduction of motor-cars into the army for
+transport purposes is on the point of accomplishment."&mdash;<i>The
+Outlook.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>... "<span class="smcap">Comrades!</span>" cried the proud general, addressing his troops (standing
+around him in the circular square ordered by the latest drill book), "at
+last we are about to reap the reward of our exertions. Thanks to our
+trusty motor-cars, we have traversed the desert at an average speed of
+twenty-five miles an hour. Our casualties have been few and
+insignificant. A dozen or so of the engines blew up, but not more than
+fifty men perished by these accidents. We have, indeed, to mourn the
+loss of some of the 75th Dragoons, whose motor-car went wrong in its
+steering, and rushed at express speed into the middle of a lake. And not
+a few of our heroes have been arrested by the native police on the
+charge of furious driving, with the result that they now languish in
+dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> trifles, compared with the
+glory that will soon be ours? The enemy are now within thirty miles of
+us&mdash;a distance which, with a little extra pressure, we can cover in an
+hour. So, forward! Mount motor-cars! Tie down the safety-valves! Seize
+starting levers! Now, when I give the word! Are you read&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! It is impossible!"</p>
+
+<p>"Impossible?" echoed the general, in amazement. "Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"For the very good reason that&mdash;<i>we've run out of oil!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A loud groan burst from the army on hearing the dreadful news; the voice
+of the general himself shook as he replied:</p>
+
+<p>"Then, for once, we must ride."</p>
+
+<p>"You forget, sir," said the other, "that nowadays we have no horses.
+Shall we&mdash;march?"</p>
+
+<p>"No!" cried the intrepid leader. "March? Never! Death before dishonour!
+Men, your general may have to die a rather unpleasant<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> death; but never,
+in this scientific age, never will he insult you by suggesting that you
+should walk!" and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this noble
+utterance. But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only
+possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked
+and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed
+through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that
+its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of
+course, and he went out scouting on his own account&mdash;as heroes do&mdash;in
+the last chapter.)</p>
+
+<p>"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well?" said the general.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it <i>is</i> a well, a well of natural petroleum, in fact, which I have
+discovered not half-a-mile away!"</p>
+
+<p>The general clasped his hand, while the army roared themselves hoarse
+with delight. And, an hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the
+horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying towards the doomed
+enemy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_070.png">
+<img src="images/i_070.png" width="100%" alt="PENALTY OF FAME" /></a>
+<h3>THE PENALTY OF FAME</h3>
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>with shrill voice</i>).</p>
+<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"'Fightin'&mdash;with&mdash;the Sev'nth&mdash;Royal Fu-siliers&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i8">The famous Fu-siliers&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i8">The fightin' Fu-siliers,'" &amp;c., &amp;c.</p></div></div>
+<p><i>Irritable War-Office Clerk.</i> "Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusiliers!
+I'm sick of 'em! Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel Islands!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Does so.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_072.png">
+<img src="images/i_072.png" width="100%" alt="Tu Quoque" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Case of Tu Quoque.</span></h3>
+<p><i>She.</i> "How do you like my new hat?"</p>
+<p><i>Sutherland Highlander.</i> "By Jove, what extraordinary headgear you women
+do wear!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_074.png">
+<img src="images/i_074.png" width="100%" alt="THAT TYRANT MAN." /></a>
+<h3>THAT TYRANT MAN.</h3>
+<p><i>Thomas the Drummer.</i> "Well, Emmar, you needn't take on so. I loves you
+stright enough; but 'angin' round the barrick gates, askin' for me, is
+the sort of thing I will not 'ave!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_075.png">
+<img src="images/i_075.png" width="100%" alt="Reforms Wanted" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">More Reforms Wanted.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Guardsman.</i> "I just told one of those Volunteer officers that he must
+<i>not</i> come on parade with his pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the
+demmed impudence to say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his
+corps hadn't buttons!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_076.png">
+<img src="images/i_076.png" width="100%" alt="I thought you could ride" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Riding Master.</i> "I thought you said you could ride?"</p>
+<p><i>Candidate for the Imperial Yeomanry.</i> "Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a
+chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK</h2>
+
+<p><i>How to make a Recruit.</i>&mdash;Take a raw lad from the country (the younger
+the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as
+much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and
+serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be
+sworn in, and he will then be nicely done.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to make a Soldier.</i>&mdash;Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into
+a depôt. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has
+lost any <i>esprit de corps</i> which may have been floating upon the surface
+when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his
+strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to
+India.</p>
+
+<p><i>Another Method.</i>&mdash;Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let
+him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept
+in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For
+three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> him
+work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now
+reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical
+dressing.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to make a Deserter.</i>&mdash;A very simple and popular dish. Take a
+soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be
+identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little
+opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.</p>
+
+<p><i>Another and Simpler Method.</i>&mdash;Take a recruit, without inquiring into
+his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes.
+The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a
+fine military hash) any number of times.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to make an Army.</i>&mdash;Take a few scores of infantry regiments and
+carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses
+and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached
+generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control
+mixture.</p>
+
+<p><i>Another and easier Method.</i>&mdash;Get a little ink, a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> pen, and a sheet of
+paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your
+sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.</p>
+
+<p><i>How to make a Panic.</i>&mdash;Take one or two influential newspapers in the
+dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add
+a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the
+whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is
+now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished
+with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion
+relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome,
+although extremely expensive.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Strike of Seamen.</span>&mdash;There is one description of strike in which we hope
+our sailors will never engage&mdash;that of their colours.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Land Swell.</span>&mdash;A Lord of the Admiralty.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">The Review at Spithead.</span>&mdash;It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad
+mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_078.png">
+<img src="images/i_078.png" width="100%" alt="So Sympathetic" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">So Sympathetic!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Young Yeomanry Officer</i> (<i>airing his exploits in the war</i>). "And among
+other things, don't you know, I had a horse shot under me."</p>
+<p><i>Fair Ignoramus.</i> "Poor thing! What was the matter with it?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_080.png">
+<img src="images/i_080.png" width="100%" alt="DISAGREEABLE TRUTH" /></a>
+<h3>DISAGREEABLE TRUTH</h3>
+<p><i>Soldier.</i> "Now, then! You must move away from here."</p>
+<p><i>Rude Boy.</i> "Ah! But <i>you</i> mustn't, old feller!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_082.png">
+<img src="images/i_082.png" width="100%" alt="Euphemistic" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Euphemistic.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Colonel.</i> "I've never met with a smarter
+drill than yourself, sergeant, or one more thoroughly up to all his
+duties; but you've one most objectionable habit, and that is your
+constant use of bad language, and swearing at the men."</p>
+<p><i>Sergeant.</i> "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_083.png">
+<img src="images/i_083.png" width="80%" alt="OBESITY" /></a>
+<h3>H.M.S. <i>OBESITY</i>; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS ARE COMING TO</h3>
+<p><i>First A.B.</i> "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!&mdash;f-f-f&mdash;it's something horful
+this morning." (<i>Distant whistle.</i>) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I
+see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?"</p>
+<p><i>Second A.B.</i> "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pass us the
+bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake!"</p>
+<blockquote><p>["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this
+is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five
+different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he
+should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to
+induce obesity, gout, and laziness."&mdash;<i>Dr. Yorke Davies in the
+"Daily Telegraph."</i>]</p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Ramsbotham</span> tells us her youngest nephew has just become a
+midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best
+aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Best Upholder of the Union Jack.</span>&mdash;The Union Jack Tar.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<h3><span class="smcap">Naval Promotion.</span>"</h3>
+<center>Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to
+<i>Glory</i>."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i></center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Fresh Meat for the Navy.</span>&mdash;The chops of the Channel.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_084.png">
+<img src="images/i_084.png" width="100%" alt="more stable basis" /></a>
+<p>"We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet
+should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more stable basis!!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Forecast of the Future</i>)</center>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>&mdash;<i>A lecture-chamber at a military college.</i> Lecturer
+<i>discovered behind a table</i>. Students <i>taking notes</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Lecturer.</i> I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear
+for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Dives under his table.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>First Student.</i> What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the
+beginning.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Student.</i> It's on "the Militia."</p>
+
+<p><i>Lecturer</i> (<i>emerging from his table in fresh regimentals.</i>) Now, my
+men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am
+responsible for your well-being. (<i>Applause, amidst which the </i>Lecturer<i>
+resumes his ordinary clothing.</i>) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary
+to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer
+must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer
+any questions.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Student.</i> Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this
+interesting entertainment?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lecturer.</i> Certainly. To show you, gentlemen,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> your duty in the
+Militia. You will be expected to play many parts.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Student.</i> But surely not simultaneously?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lecturer.</i> Why, certainly. The old constitutional force is so
+undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of
+a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the
+chances are that&mdash;well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences.
+And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be
+established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the
+civilian.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve</i> <i>the problem.</i></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i_087.png">
+<img src="images/i_087.png" width="100%" alt="Sailor with telescope." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_086.png">
+<img src="images/i_086.png" width="100%" alt="thank you, Mrs. Brown" /></a>
+<p><i>Captain Smythe</i> (<i>a good soldier, but no society man, to
+his hostess</i>). "I have to thank you, Mrs. Brown, for an evening which
+has been&mdash;er&mdash;<i>after two years on the veld</i>, most enjoyable."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_088.png">
+<img src="images/i_088.png" width="100%" alt="NONE O&#39; YOUR LARKS" /></a>
+<h3>"NONE O' YOUR LARKS" (1861)</h3>
+<p><i>Gigantic Navvy.</i> "Let's walk between yer, gents; folks 'll think you've
+took up a deserter."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>PREPARING FOR WAR</h2>
+
+<p>A Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn
+man&oelig;uvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the
+following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the
+original document) have been omitted. They are now published for the
+first time:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets.
+This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old.</p>
+
+<p>2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by special command of
+Generals of Divisions. The above-mentioned officers are reminded (for
+their instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive and should be
+used as little as possible.</p>
+
+<p>3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry on any march exceeding three
+miles. Commanding officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has recently
+greatly increased in value.</p>
+
+<p>4. In the event of two members of the umpire staff being unable to come
+to an agreement about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> the respective colours of black and white, they
+will "draw lots;" <i>id est</i>, one of them will throw into the air a coin
+of the realm, and before the coin is able to reach the ground, the other
+will give the word either "heads" or "tails." The choice of cries will
+be optional. Gold coins will be used by general officers, silver by
+field officers, and halfpence by all other ranks.</p>
+
+<p>5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to pursue retiring infantry on
+horseback, unless so ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd
+(County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County Down), the Connaught
+Rangers, and the Royal Irish Fusiliers.</p>
+
+<p>6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two hundred yards of six
+hostile batteries of artillery to watch the practice, or for any other
+purpose of instruction, one-tenth of the battalion will be marched to
+the rear, and will be considered <i>hors de combat</i> during the remainder
+of the campaign.</p>
+
+<p>7. A village containing one pioneer, one drummer (or bugler) and a
+quarter-master-sergeant, will be considered fully garrisoned. It will be
+seen that rules of war are to be followed in every particular,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> down to
+the very smallest details, by all concerned in the campaign.</p>
+
+<p>8. As in the previous series of autumn man&oelig;uvres, <i>at least</i>, "five
+minutes' notice" will be given when the army is required to march five
+miles, or to perform any other military duty requiring zeal, steadiness,
+and an intimate acquaintance with "Field Exercises, Edition of 1874,
+Part I."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Solved at Last.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Jawkins.</i> Why do they always call sailors "tars"?</p>
+<p><i>Pawkins.</i>&mdash;Because they're so accustomed to the pitching of the ship.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/i_095.png">
+<img src="images/i_095.png" width="100%" alt="Sailor with wine glass" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_090.png">
+<img src="images/i_090.png" width="100%" alt="you &#39;ad me by the tongue" /></a>
+<p><i>Bluejacket</i> (<i>who has been hauled twice round the sick
+bay, yelling inarticulately, by the surgeon with the forceps</i>). "Why,
+you 'ad me by the tongue!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_091.png">
+<img src="images/i_091.png" width="100%" alt=" Verbal Difficulty" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Verbal Difficulty.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Irritable Captain.</i> "Your barrel's disgracefully dirty, sir, and it's
+not the first time; I've a good mind to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Private Flannigan.</i> "Shure, sor, I niver&mdash;&mdash;" <i>Captain</i> (<i>Irish
+too</i>). "Silence, sir, when you spake to an officer!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_092.png">
+<img src="images/i_092.png" width="100%" alt="Royal Salute" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Royal Salute.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Officer in charge of battery</i> (<i>in a
+fever lest the time of firing should be a second late</i>). "Why, what are
+you about, No. 6? Why don't you serve the sponge?"</p>
+<p><i>Bombardier McGuttle.</i> "Hoots toots! Can na' a body blaw their nose?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_094.png">
+<img src="images/i_094.png" width="100%" alt="Tactics" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tactics.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Instructor.</i> "Well, gentlemen, I have endeavoured to explain to you the
+theoretical principles governing the movements of the various portions
+of a combined force; but I must warn you, that, in practice on an
+ordinary field-day, you will probably find it result in hopeless
+confusion; while on active service it will be ten times worse!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_096.png">
+<img src="images/i_096.png" width="100%" alt="Conclusive" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Conclusive!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Volunteer Colonel</i> (<i>swell brewer</i>). "I'm afraid, Mr. Jenkins, you had
+been indulging in potations that were too strong for you!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Private J. was being "called over the coals" for insubordination at</i>
+<i>the inspection.</i></p>
+<p><i>Private Jenkins</i> (<i>who is still wearing his bayonet on the wrong
+side</i>). "Oh, I couldn't have been drunk, sir, for I never had no more
+than one pint o' your ale all the blessed day!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_097.png">
+<img src="images/i_097.png" width="100%" alt="a simple English miss" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Register-keeper.</i> "Major Jones first to count. A
+miss&mdash;nothing."</p>
+<p><i>Major Jones.</i> "I say, sergeant, that's almost an Irish bull, I fancy!"</p>
+<p><i>Register-keeper.</i> "No, sorr, just a simple English miss!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_098.png">
+<img src="images/i_098.png" width="100%" alt="where&#39;s your sword" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Yeomanry.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Sergeant Major.</i> "Number three, where's your sword?"</p>
+<p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>who finds practice very different from theory</i>). "On the
+ground. Carn't see 'un?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MILITARY DIALOGUES</h2>
+
+<center>I<br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Army Reform</span></center>
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.&mdash;<i>The drawing-room of the Colonel's quarters, decorated with
+trophies from many lands and water-colour sketches. Mrs. Bulkwise, the
+Colonel's wife, a tall, broad and assertive lady, is giving tea to Mrs.
+Lyttleton-Cartwright, with the stamp of fashion upon her, and Mrs.
+Karmadine, who has a soul for art&mdash;both ladies of the regiment. Colonel
+Bulkwise, a small and despondent man whose hair is "part-worn" gazes
+morosely into the fire</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Bulkwise</i> (<i>waving a tea cup</i>). As surely as woman is asserting
+her right to a place in medicine, in law, and in the council, so surely
+will she take her proper place in the control of the army.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Lyttleton-Cartwright.</i> What a lovely costume one could compose out
+of the uniform. I've often tried Jack's tunic on.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>severely</i>). The mere brutal work of fighting, the butchery
+of the trade, would still have to be left to the men; but such matters
+as require higher intelligence, keener wit, tact, perseverance, should
+be, and some day <i>shall</i> be, in our hands.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Karmadine.</i> And the beauty and grace of life, Mrs. Bulkwise.
+Surely we women, if allowed, could in peace bring culture to the
+barrack-room, and garland the sword with bay wreaths?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Take the War Office. I am told that the ranks of the regiments
+are depleted of combatant officers in order that they may sit in offices
+in Pall Mall, and do clerical work indifferently. Now, I hold that our
+sex could do this work better, more cheaply, and with greater dispatch.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. L.-C.</i> "Pall-Mall" would be such an excellent address.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> The young men, both officers and civilians, who are employed
+waste, so I understand, the time of the public by going out to lunch at
+clubs and frequently pause in their work to smoke cigars and discuss the
+odds. Now a glass of milk, or some claret and lemonade, a slice of
+seed-cake, or some tartlets, brought by a maid from the nearest A. B. C.
+shop would satisfy all our mid-day wants.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. L.-C.</i> And I never knew a woman who couldn't work and talk bonnets
+at the same time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. C.</i> Just a few palms&mdash;don't you think, Mrs. Bulkwise?&mdash;in those
+dreary, <i>dreary</i> rooms, and some oriental rugs on the floors, and a
+little bunch of flowers on each desk would make life so much easier to
+live.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Colonel Bulkwise murmurs something unintelligible</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> What do you say, George?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel B. (with sudden fierceness).</i> I said, that there are too many
+old women, as it is, in the War Office.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> George!</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>The colonel relapses again into morose silence.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> The Intelligence Department should, of course, be in our
+hands.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. L.-C.</i> I should just love to run about all the time, finding out
+other people's secrets.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> And the Clothing Department calls for a woman's knowledge. The
+hideous snuff-coloured garments must be retained for warfare, but with
+the new costume for walking out and ceremonial I think something might
+be done.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. L.-C.</i> The woman who makes my frocks is as clever as she can be,
+and always has her head full of ideas for those sort of things.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. C.</i> Michel Angelo did not disdain to design the uniform of the
+Swiss Guard. Perhaps Gilbert, or Ford, or Brock might follow in the
+giant's footsteps.</p>
+
+<p><i>Col. B.</i> You ladies always design such sensible clothes for yourselves,
+do you not?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>He is frozen into silence again.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> And the education of young officers. From a cursory glance
+through my husband's books on law, topography and administration, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>
+should say that there are no military subjects that the average woman
+could not master in a fortnight. Strategy, of course, comes to us by
+intuition. The companionship and influence of really good women on
+youths and young men cannot be over-rated, and the professors both at
+the Staff College and at the Military Academy should be of our sex.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. L.-C.</i> I always love the boys; but I think some of the staff
+college men are awfully stuck up.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Now as to the regiment. The mess, of course, should be in our
+province.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. L.-C.</i> How ripping. The guest-nights would be lovely dinner
+parties, the ante-room we'd use for tea, and the band should always play
+from 5 to 6. We'd have afternoon dances every Thursday, and turn the men
+out once a week and have a dinner all to ourselves to talk scandal.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>The colonel groans.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_100.png">
+<img src="images/i_100.png" width="100%" alt="Regimental Orders" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"Regimental Orders"!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Volunteer Captain.</i> "Ah, Sergeant Jones&mdash;didn't I send you an order to
+be at headquarters on Monday, at nine o'clock, with a corporal and six
+men for duty?"</p>
+<p><i>Sergeant.</i> "Yes, sir. But I think if there was a little more 'request',
+and a little less 'order', it would be (<i>a-hem</i>)&mdash;better!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/i_101.png">
+<img src="images/i_101.png" width="100%" alt="BOBS" /></a>
+<h3>"BOBS"</h3>
+<center>An Indian idol&mdash;as worshipped by Mr. Thomas Atkins.<br />
+(<i>The property of the British nation.</i>)</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_102.png">
+<img src="images/i_102.png" width="100%" alt="&quot;BOBS&quot; AS A BOBBIE" /></a>
+<h3>"BOBS" AS A BOBBIE</h3>
+<blockquote><p>["<span class="smcap">Coronation Claims.</span>&mdash;There being no succession to certain offices,
+the appointment thereto rests with His Majesty, and the following
+are regarded as probable candidates:&mdash;Lord High Constable&mdash;The Earl
+Roberts," &amp;c.&mdash;<i>Vide Daily Mail</i>, Nov. 19, 1901.]</p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_104.png">
+<img src="images/i_104.png" width="100%" alt="SORROWS OF A SUBALTERN" /></a>
+<h3>SORROWS OF A SUBALTERN</h3>
+<p>"Curious way that boy has of salutin'. Don't believe it's correct!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_106.png">
+<img src="images/i_106.png" width="100%" alt="The Dog" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Dog!</span></h3>
+<center><i>(A romance of real life.)</i></center><br /><br />
+<p><i>The Gallant Major.</i> "I beg a thousand pardons for the apparent liberty
+I take as an entire stranger, but may I make so bold as to ask you, is
+not this one of that wonderful breed of black or Chinese pugs?"</p>
+<p><i>The Pretty Lady (most condescendingly).</i> "Yes, you are perfectly right,
+and if I am not mistaken, you are Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth
+Hussars."</p>
+<blockquote><p>[<i>From that moment they became fast friends, and within the next
+three months there appeared in the "Morning Post," 'A marriage has
+been arranged between Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars,
+and Mrs. Bellairs,' &amp;c., &amp;c.</i></p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_108.png">
+<img src="images/i_108.png" width="100%" alt="One of our Conquerors" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"One of our Conquerors."</span></h3>
+<p><i>Imperial Yeoman.</i> "Much obliged if you would pick up my sword for me."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_109.png">
+<img src="images/i_109.png" width="100%" alt="TOMMY&#39;S SUNDAY AFTERNOON" /></a>
+<h3>TOMMY'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON AS IT WILL BE</h3>
+<blockquote><p>["It has been decreed in several line battalions that in future no
+soldier will be allowed to walk arm-in-arm in the street with a
+female."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_110.png">
+<img src="images/i_110.png" width="100%" alt="He&#39;s got eyes" /></a>
+<p>"Oh! I say! 'E 'as got eyes after all!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_111.png">
+<img src="images/i_111.png" width="100%" alt="better see the vet" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Doctor.</i> "Don't feel well, eh? Appetite all right?"</p>
+<p><i>Tommie.</i> "Eat like a wolf, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Doctor.</i> "Sleep well?"</p>
+<p><i>Tommie.</i> "As sound as a dog, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Doctor.</i> "Oh, you'd better see the vet.!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_112.png">
+<img src="images/i_112.png" width="100%" alt="JOKE THAT FAILED" /></a>
+<h3>THE JOKE THAT FAILED</h3>
+<p><i>Lubber.</i> "I say, Jack, do you know why they've painted the ships grey
+in time of <i>peace</i>?"</p>
+<p><i>Jack.</i> "I s'pose 'cos it's a <i>neutral</i> tint!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>But the other didn't laugh. He intended making that witticism
+himself.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_113.png">
+<img src="images/i_113.png" width="100%" alt="Two cadets talking" /></a>
+<h3>SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S.&mdash;&mdash;</h3>
+<p>"I say, why am I like the Queen's chief cook? Do you give it up?"</p>
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+<p>"Because I am in a high cool-and-airy (<i>culinary</i>) position."</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Astonished cadet nearly falls from the yard</i>.</p>
+<br /><p>You young monkey, how dare you joke up in the air like that? However, we
+look over it this time.&mdash;<i>Punch</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_114.png">
+<img src="images/i_114.png" width="100%" alt="putting troops into white trowsers" /></a>
+<h3>An economical mode of putting troops into white trowsers.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>REGULATIONS FOR YEOMANRY OUTPOSTS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Aldershot Edition</i>)</center>
+
+<p>1. Never recognise your enemy when you meet him on the road, in case you
+might be compelled to take him prisoner and so cause unpleasantness and
+unseemly disturbance.</p>
+
+<p>2. Advanced guards should walk quietly and without ostentation into the
+enemy's main body, and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, or
+buildings for an unobtrusive cyclist patrol. To do so might cause the
+enemy annoyance.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>3. An advance guard, if surrounded, will surrender without noise or
+alarm. To make any would disturb the main body, who like to march in a
+compact and regular formation.</p>
+
+<p>4. Never allow your common-sense to overcome your natural modesty so far
+as to induce you to report to a superior officer the presence of the
+enemy in force. You will only acquire a reputation for officiousness by
+doing so.</p>
+
+<p>5. Always attack an enemy in front. It is unsportsmanlike and
+unprofessional to attack the flanks.</p>
+
+<p>6. When retiring before an attack maintain as close a formation as the
+ground will admit of, and retire directly upon the main infantry
+support. You will thus expose yourselves to the fire of both your own
+friends and the enemy, and as blank cartridge hurts nobody it will add
+to the excitement of the operation.</p>
+
+<p>7. It is more important to roll your cloaks and burnish your bits than
+to worry about unimportant details of minor tactics.</p>
+
+<p>8. Since a solitary horseman never attracts the enemy's attention, be
+careful to take up a position<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> in compact formation; to do so by files
+might escape observation.</p>
+
+<p>9. When being charged by the enemy, go fours about and gallop for all
+you are worth; it is just as agreeable to be prodded in the back as in
+the chest, and gives the enemy more satisfaction. To extend, or work to
+the flanks, might deprive your enemy of useful experience.</p>
+
+<p>10. Never cast your eyes to the direction from which the enemy is not
+expected, as that is the usual direction of his real attack, and it is
+not polite to spoil the arrangement of your friend the enemy.</p>
+
+<p>11. Lastly, remember that the best motto for Yeomanry Troopers is "Point
+de Zèle."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR RIFLE VOLUNTEERS</h2>
+
+<center><i>A Peace Song</i> (1859)<br />
+
+(<i>Composed and volunteered by Mr. Punch</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Some talk of an invasion</p>
+<p class="i2">As a thing whereat to sneeze,</p>
+<p class="i0">And say we have no occasion</p>
+<p class="i2">To guard our shores and seas:</p>
+<p class="i0">Now, <i>Punch</i> is no alarmist,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor is moved by idle fears,</p>
+<p class="i0">But he sees no harm that we all should arm</p>
+<p class="i2">As Rifle Volunteers!</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Let sudden foes assail us,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Tis well we be prepared;</p>
+<p class="i0">Our Fleet&mdash;who knows?&mdash;may fail us,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor serve our shores to guard.</p>
+<p class="i0">For self-defence, then, purely,</p>
+<p class="i2">Good reason there appears,</p>
+<p class="i0">To have, on land, a force at hand</p>
+<p class="i2">Of Rifle Volunteers!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To show no wish for fighting,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our forces we'd increase;</p>
+<p class="i0">But 'tis our foes by frighting</p>
+<p class="i2">We best may keep at peace,</p>
+<p class="i0">For who will dare molest us</p>
+<p class="i2">When, to buzz about their ears,</p>
+<p class="i0">All along our coast there swarms a host</p>
+<p class="i2">Of Rifle Volunteers!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Abroad ill winds are blowing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Abroad war's vermin swarm;</p>
+<p class="i0">What <i>may</i> hap there's no knowing,</p>
+<p class="i2">We may not 'scape the storm.</p>
+<p class="i0">Athirst for blood, the Eagles</p>
+<p class="i2">May draw our dove's nest near;</p>
+<p class="i0">But we'll scare away all birds of prey</p>
+<p class="i2">With our Rifle Volunteers!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">No menace we're intending,</p>
+<p class="i2">Offence to none we mean,</p>
+<p class="i0">We arm but for defending</p>
+<p class="i2">Our country and our Queen!</p>
+<p class="i0">To British hearts 'tis loyalty</p>
+<p class="i2">'Tis love her name endears:</p>
+<p class="i0">Up! then, and form! shield her from harm</p>
+<p class="i2">Ye Rifle Volunteers!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_116.png">
+<img src="images/i_116.png" width="100%" alt="Blankshire Yeomanry" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>The above is <i>not</i> a war picture. It merely represents an
+incident in the too realistic scouting man&oelig;uvres of the Blankshire
+Yeomanry. Poor Mr. and Mrs. Timmins thought at least the country had
+been invaded.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_118.png">
+<img src="images/i_118.png" width="100%" alt="several who are not dead yet" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>De V&oelig;ux.</i> "My grandfather, you know, lived till he
+was ninety-eight."</p>
+<p><i>Trevor Carthew.</i> "Well, my grandmother died at the age of
+ninety-seven."</p>
+<p><i>Brown.</i> "In <i>my</i> family there are several who are not dead yet!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_120.png">
+<img src="images/i_120.png" width="100%" alt="Dignity in Distress" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Dignity in Distress.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Small Boys</i> (<i>to Volunteer Major in temporary command</i>). "I say,
+guv'nor&mdash;hi! Just wipe the blood off that 'ere sword!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_121.png">
+<img src="images/i_121.png" width="100%" alt="Back a little" /></a>
+<h3>FORE AND&mdash;&mdash;</h3>
+<center><i>Sergeant.</i> "Back a little, number five!"</center>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_122.png">
+<img src="images/i_122.png" width="100%" alt="Up a little" /></a>
+<h3>&mdash;&mdash; AFT!</h3>
+<center><i>Sergeant.</i> "Up a little, number five!"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_123.png">
+<img src="images/i_123.png" width="100%" alt="Our Reserves" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Reserves!</span></h3>
+<p><i>Aide-de-Camp (at the review).</i> "What are you doing here, sir? Where's
+your regiment?"</p>
+<p><i>Party on the Grass.</i> "Shure I don' know. Bu-r I don't rec'nise your
+'thority, gov'nour!"</p>
+<p><i>Aide-de-Camp (furious).</i> "What the deuce d'you mean, sir? You're a
+Volunteer, aren't you?"</p>
+<p><i>Party on the Grass.</i> "<i>(Hic!)</i> Norabirofit!&mdash;Was jus' now&mdash;bu-r I've
+reshigned 'n cons'quence&mdash;temp'ry indishposition!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_124.png">
+<img src="images/i_124.png" width="100%" alt="What&#39;s the charge" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"Summing Up."</span></h3>
+<p><i>Captain.</i> "What's the charge, sergeant?"</p>
+<p><i>Sergeant.</i> "This time it's drunkenness, sir. But this man is the most
+troublesome fellow in the regiment, sir. He goes out when he likes, and
+comes in when he likes, and gets drunk when he likes&mdash;in fact, he might
+be a horficer!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>CHAT À LA MODE</h2>
+
+<p><i>Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the stats of the Navy
+in a first-class compartment.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> My dear fellows, I can assure you we are in a terrible
+condition of unpreparedness. If France was to declare war to-morrow we
+should be nowhere&mdash;absolutely nowhere!</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> You mean, of course, with Russia.</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Or was it Italy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> It doesn't matter which. I fancy that France alone could tackle
+us. Why, a man was telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was
+seized&mdash;as it might be&mdash;we should not get a ship-load of wood for
+months&mdash;yes, for months!</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> But what has Gibraltar to do with it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Why, of course, it guards our approaches to the Suez Canal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But what we want is a
+hundred millions to be spent at once. Cobden said so, and I agree with
+Cobden.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> But upon what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and subsidising the Ameer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> I don't think that sort of thing is of much importance. But if
+we had a hundred millions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase
+our coaling stations, and build new ships, and double the navy, and do
+all sorts of things.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> But I thought we were fairly well off for coaling stations, had
+lots of ships on the stocks, and, with the assistance of our merchant
+marine, an ample supply of good sailors.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> That's what all you fellows say! But wait till we have a
+war, then you will see the fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should
+buy the entire fleet of the world. There should be no other competitor.
+Britannia should <i>really</i> rule the waves.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important
+matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on
+anything and everything. And it's no use having further discussion
+because that was Cobden's view of it, and so it is mine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Where is it to come from&mdash;out of the rates?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown and Robinson</i> (<i>together</i>). Certainly not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Or the taxes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown and Robinson</i> (<i>as before</i>). Don't be absurd.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Well, it must come from somewhere! Can you tell me where?</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Why should we?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Yes, why should we? Even Cobden didn't go so far as that,
+and&mdash;&mdash;But, here we are at the station.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_126.png">
+<img src="images/i_126.png" width="100%" alt="Extract from Letter" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Easter Man&oelig;uvres.</span></h3>
+<center><i>Extract from Private Letter.&mdash;April 1.</i></center>
+<br /><p>"I'm afraid Milly and I have put our respective feet
+in it this time. We thought we would test our capacities at hospital
+work, and attach ourselves to pa's regiment&mdash;of course, without telling
+pa&mdash;and were getting along quite nicely with a soldier who wasn't very
+well, when we met pa and the General and his regiment. They took away
+the patient, and judging from pa's looks, there's a warm time coming."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_127.png">
+<img src="images/i_127.png" width="100%" alt="HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS" /></a>
+<h3>SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS</h3>
+<p>
+The new helmet as ordinarily worn.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;  The same, as worn on motor duty.</p>
+<br /><p><i>Directions:</i>&mdash;Simply unhook the lower portion of the helmet; thereby
+extending the collapsible weather-and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as
+a disguise.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_128.png">
+<img src="images/i_128.png" width="100%" alt="Flag Wagging" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Flag Wagging</span></h3>
+<p><i>Sergeant of Signallers.</i> "What ai's Murphy to-day? He don't seem able
+to take in a thing!"</p>
+<p><i>Private Mulvaney.</i> "Shall I signal to 'im, 'Will ye 'ave a drink?'?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_130.png">
+<img src="images/i_130.png" width="100%" alt="Straits of Macassar" /></a>
+
+<h3>TU QUOQUE.</h3>
+<p><i>Army Candidate.</i> "And I only muffed one thing in the geography paper.
+Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Macassar were!"</p>
+<p><i>Fond Father.</i> "Oh, I say, you ought to have known that. Fancy&mdash;the
+Straits of Macassar!"</p>
+<p><i>Army Candidate.</i> "Well, I didn't, anyhow. By the way, where are they,
+dad?"</p>
+<p><i>Fond Father.</i> "Oh&mdash;where are they? Oh&mdash;er&mdash;they're&mdash;well, they're&mdash;&mdash;
+but don't you think we'd better go to lunch?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_131.png">
+<img src="images/i_131.png" width="100%" alt="good-night, Admiral" /></a>
+<h3>A HORSE-MARINE</h3>
+<p><i>Club Wag.</i> "Well, good-night, Admiral."</p>
+<p><i>Warrior.</i> "There's a stupid joke. Admiral! Can't you see my spurs?"</p>
+<p><i>Wag.</i> "Oh, I thought they were your twin screws."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_132.png">
+<img src="images/i_132.png" width="100%" alt="Who goes there" /></a>
+<p><i>Sentry</i> (<i>on the simultaneous approach of two persons</i>).
+"Who goes there?&mdash;two ways at once!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MILITARY DIALOGUES</h2>
+
+<center>II<br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Army Reform</span></center>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>&mdash;<i>The canteen of the Rutlandshire Regiment, at Downboro', an
+airy, plastered hall with high windows. A bar at one end is backed
+by a rampart of beer barrels. A double line of barrack tables and
+benches runs down the room. The hour is 5 p.m. At one of the tables
+sits Mr. W. Wilson, late Private in the regiment, in all his glory
+of a new check suit with an aggressive pattern, a crimson tie, a
+horseshoe pin, an aluminium watch-chain, a grey "bowler" and a
+buttonhole of violets. Privates W. and G. Smith, P. Brady, E. Dudd
+and other men of H. company are at the table, or standing near it.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson (passing round a great tin measure containing beer, after
+taking a preliminary pull himself).</i> Of course I do 'ear more, being in
+the smoke, than you 'ear down in this provincial 'ole; and there's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>
+generals and statesmen and such-like comes and stays at our place, and
+when they gets tied up in a knot over any military question, as often as
+not they says, "Let's ask Wilson, the under-gardener. 'E's a
+hex-military man; 'e's a 'ighly intellergent feller"; and I generally
+gets them out of their difficulty.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pte. W. Smith.</i> D'ye know anything about this army reform?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson (with lofty scorn).</i> Do I know anything about it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pte. G. Smith.</i> D'ye think they're going to make a good job of it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson.</i> Naaw. And why? Becos they're goin' the wrong wai to work.
+They're arskin the opinion of perfeshernal hexperts and other sich
+ignoramuses, and ain't goin' to the fountain 'ead. Oo's the backbone of
+the English service?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pte. P. Brady.</i> The Oirish private.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson.</i> Right you are, my 'Ibernian&mdash;always subsitooting British
+for Hirish&mdash;and the British compiny is the finest horganisation in the
+world. Give the private a free 'and and a rise of pay, and make the
+compiny the model of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> army, and then yer can put all the hexperts
+and all the Ryle Commissions and their reports to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pte. Dudd.</i> As how?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson.</i> As 'ow, yer old thick head? It's as plain as a pike-staff.
+Taike this question of responsibility. When some one comes a bloomer,
+and the paipers all rise 'ell, the civilian toff, 'oos a sort of a
+commander-in-chief in a Sunday coat and a chimney-pot 'at, 'e says, "It
+ain't me. Arsk the real commander-in-chief," and the feeld-marshal 'e
+says, "Arsk the hadjutant-general," and the hadjutant-general, 'e says,
+"Arsk the hordnance bloke." Now in the compiny there ain't none of that.
+If the colonel goin' round at kit inspection finds the beds badly made
+up, or jags and sight-protectors deficient, or 'oles in the men's socks,
+'e goes fierce for the captin' and threatens to stop 'is leave; and the
+captin' don't say, "Oh, it's the hadjutant, or the quarter-master, or
+the chaplain what's to blame," no, 'e gives the subalterns and the
+coloured-sergeant beans, and they slip it in to the sergeants and
+corprils in charge of squads, and the beds is set up straight, and the
+men put down<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> for jags and sight-protectors, and the 'oles in the socks
+is mended.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pte. W. Smith.</i> That's so, old pal. What else would you recermend?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson</i> (<i>reaching out for the measure).</i> Thank yer. This 'ere
+army-reforming's a dry job. Now as to the metherd of attack. When the
+regiment goes out field-firing the henemy's a line of hearthenware pots,
+touched up on the sly by the markers with a dash of white; the captains
+count the telergraph posts up the range and give the exact distance; and
+the men goes 'opping along in line like crows on a ploughed field, the
+sergeantes a-naggin' 'em about the 'Ithe position and the coprils
+calling them back to pick up empty cartridge cases. Is that the wai,
+that you, George Smith, and you, Bill, and you, Pat, used ter creep up
+to the rabbit warrens when we used ter go out in the herly morning to
+assist the farmers to keep down the ground gime&mdash;poaching the colonel
+called it? No, we hexecuted wide turning movements and never showed no
+more than the tip of a nose. Let drill of attack alone, I say, and
+develop the sporting hinstinct of the private.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Omnes.</i> 'Ear, 'ear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson.</i> And this matter of mobility. Why, if you or me or any of
+us was on furlough at 'Ampstead or Margit, we was never off a 'orse's or
+a moke's back as long as the dibs lasted. Give us the brass, and we'll
+find the mobility.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pte. W. Smith.</i> Why don't yer write to the Prime Minister, and give him
+your ideas?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wilson.</i> I shall. A few hintelligent ex-privates in the Cabinet, a
+rise of pay for privates and two days' rabitting, and a trip to Margit
+every week would sive the British Army.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TRAMPS</h2>
+
+<center>["In spite of the demand for recruits, the number of tramps remain,
+undiminished."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</center>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Why does not patriotic fire</p>
+<p class="i0">My all too torpid heart inspire</p>
+<p class="i0">With irresistible desire</p>
+<p class="i2">To seek the tented camp, sir,</p>
+<p class="i0">Where Glory, with her bronze V.C.,</p>
+<p class="i0">Waits for the brave, perhaps for me?</p>
+<p class="i0">Because I much prefer to be</p>
+<p class="i2">A lazy, idle tramp, sir.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I toil not, neither do I spin.</p>
+<p class="i0">For me, the laggard days begin</p>
+<p class="i0">Hours after all my kith and kin</p>
+<p class="i2">Are weary with their labours;</p>
+<p class="i0">The heat and burden of the day</p>
+<p class="i0">They bear, poor fools, as best they may,</p>
+<p class="i0">While I serenely smoke my clay</p>
+<p class="i2">And pity my poor neighbours.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">When Afric burns the trooper brown,</p>
+<p class="i0">By leafy lanes I loiter down</p>
+<p class="i0">Through Haslemere to Dorking town,</p>
+<p class="i2">Each Surrey nook exploring;</p>
+<p class="i0">Or 'neath a Berkshire hay-rick I</p>
+<p class="i0">At listless length do love to lie,</p>
+<p class="i0">And watch the river stealing by</p>
+<p class="i2">Between the hills of Goring.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Why should I change these dear delights</p>
+<p class="i0">For toilsome days and sleepless nights,</p>
+<p class="i0">And red Bellona's bloody rites</p>
+<p class="i2">That bear the devil's stamp, sir?</p>
+<p class="i0">Let others hear the people cry</p>
+<p class="i0">"A hero he!"&mdash;I care not, I,</p>
+<p class="i0">So I may only live and die,</p>
+<p class="i2">A lazy, idle tramp, sir.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_134.png">
+<img src="images/i_134.png" width="100%" alt="At a Country House" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">At a Country House.</span></h3>
+<p>"Well, my dear Admiral, and how did you sleep?"</p>
+<p>"Not at all, General. Confounded butterfly flew in at the window, and
+was flopping around all night&mdash;couldn't get a wink of sleep."</p>
+<p>"Ah, dashed dangerous things, butterflies!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_136.png">
+<img src="images/i_136.png" width="100%" alt="PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL" /></a>
+<h3>"PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL" (1875)</h3>
+<p><i>First Driver (after a long day).</i> "The 'orse 'rtillery's a-getting
+quite aristercratic. It don't dine till eight o'clock!!"</p>
+<p><i>Second Driver.</i> "Stroikes me to-morrow the 'orse 'rtillery'll be too
+aristercratic to dine at all!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_138.png">
+<img src="images/i_138.png" width="100%" alt="The Enemy" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Enemy.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Horrid Boy to newly-appointed Volunteer Major, (who finds the military
+seat very awkward</i>). "Sit further back, General! You'll make his 'ead
+ache!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_140.png">
+<img src="images/i_140.png" width="100%" alt="this is not heroism" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Autumn Man&oelig;uvres.</span></h3>
+<p>No, this is not heroism; this is simply discretion. Little Plumpleigh
+has just given "Charge!" and taken one look behind to see if his men are
+"backing him up, don't you know," and he is now making for safety!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_142.png">
+<img src="images/i_142.png" width="100%" alt="War-office Genius" /></a>
+<h3><i>War-office Genius.</i></h3>
+<p>"Now <i>this</i> is another of my brilliant ideas, the shelter trench
+exercise. Of course, I <i>know</i> the trench is the wrong way about, and
+that, when they have finished it, they have to fire into the wood they
+are defending, and then turn about and charge away from the wood, but,
+<span class="smcap">then</span>! <i>we</i> get a capital bank and ditch made round our plantations, with
+practically <i>no</i> expense!"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Punch.</i> "And this is what you call instructing the Volunteers?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_144.png">
+<img src="images/i_144.png" width="100%" alt="wot &#39;appened" /></a>
+<br /><br /><p><i>First Bluejacket.</i> "Well, matey, wot 'appened?"</p>
+<p><i>Second Bluejacket.</i> "Lieutenant, '<i>e</i> reports as 'ow I were dirty, an'
+my 'ammick weren't clean, an' captin, '<i>e</i> ses, 'Wash 'is bloomin' neck,
+scrub 'is bloomin' face, an' cut 'is bloomin' 'air, every ten
+minnits!'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_145.png">
+<img src="images/i_145.png" width="100%" alt="never see a war-horse before?" /></a>
+<br /><br /><p><i>Volunteer Captain (acting Major first time).</i> "Now then!
+What are you boys staring at? Did you never see a war-horse before?"</p>
+<p><i>Boys (who had followed expecting a "spill.")</i> "Aye&mdash;we've whiles seen a
+waur horse, but never a waur rider!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_146.png">
+<img src="images/i_146.png" width="100%" alt="Ad Valorem" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Ad Valorem.</span></h3>
+<p><i>(Energetic Sub has been pursuing runaway mule).</i> "Well done, old chap!
+You deserve the D.S.O. at least. What is it? Ammunition?" "Ammunition!
+D.S.O.!! V.C., you mean!!!! Why, it's bottled beer!!!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_147.png">
+<img src="images/i_147.png" width="100%" alt="Money &quot;Tight.&quot;" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Money "Tight."</span></h3>
+<p><i>British Subaltern.</i> "By-the-by, Smith, can you lend me that sovereign I
+gave you this morning for a Christmas-box?!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_148.png">
+<img src="images/i_148.png" width="100%" alt="Our Reserves" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Reserves.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Captain of Rural Corps (calling over the roll).</i> "George Hodge!" <i>(No
+answer.)</i> "George Hodge!&mdash;Where on earth's George Hodge?"</p>
+<p><i>Voice from the ranks.</i> "Please, sir, he's turned dissenter, and says
+fighting's wicked."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE BUSY BISLEY</h2>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Within measurable distance of Woking. Enter lounger and marksman
+R. and L.</i></center>
+
+<p><i>Lounger (heartily).</i> Why, I <i>am</i> glad to see you! And how are things
+going on?</p>
+
+<p><i>Marksman (cordially, but abruptly).</i> Capitally! Good-bye!</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> But I say, what a hurry you are in! Can't you stop a minute for
+a chat?</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> Another time, but just now moments are precious.</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> But I say, you see I have found myself here&mdash;it doesn't take
+much longer than getting down to Wimbledon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> Of course it doesn't&mdash;whoever said it did? But there, old chap,
+I <i>must</i> be off!</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> You are in a hurry! Ah, we used to have pleasant days in the
+old place?</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> Did we? I daresay we did.</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> Why, of course! Grand old days! Don't you remember what fun it
+used to be decorating your tent; and then, when the ladies<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> came
+down&mdash;which they did nearly all the day long&mdash;what larks it was getting
+them tea and claret-cup?</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> Very likely. But we don't have many ladies now, and a good job,
+too&mdash;they <i>are</i> a bore.</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> Well, you <i>are</i> a chap! Why, how can there be any fun without
+your sisters, and your cousins, and your maiden aunts?</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> We don't want fun. But there, good-bye!</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> But I say, I have come all this way to look you up.</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks. (unbending).</i> Very kind of you, my dear fellow, you have chosen
+rather an unfortunate time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing to do!</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> Very likely. But then Bisley isn't Wimbledon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung. (dryly).</i> So it seems. Everyone said that when they moved the
+camp further away from home, they would ruin the meeting.</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> Then everyone was wrong. Why, we are going on swimmingly.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> It must be beastly dull.</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> Not at all. Lovely country, good range, and, after it rains,
+two minutes later it is dry as bone.</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> Yes, but it stands to reason that it <i>can't</i> be as popular as
+Wimbledon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks.</i> My dear fellow, figures are the best test of that. In all the
+history of the Association we never had more entries than this year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Loung.</i> That may be, but you don't have half the fun you had nearer
+town.</p>
+
+<p><i>Marks. (laughing).</i> Don't want to! Business, my dear fellow, not
+pleasure! And now, old man, I really <i>must</i> be off. Ta! ta! See you
+later.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p>Loung. Well, whatever he may say, I prefer Wimbledon. And as there
+doesn't seem much for <i>me</i> to do down here, I shall return to town.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Does so. Curtain.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_150.png">
+<img src="images/i_150.png" width="100%" alt="Irascible Lieutenant" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Irascible Lieutenant (down engine-room tube).</i> "Is there
+a blithering idiot at the end of this tube?"</p>
+<p><i>Voice from Engine-room.</i> "Not at this end, sir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_152.png">
+<img src="images/i_152.png" width="100%" alt="Volo Episcopari" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Volo Episcopari.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Festive Middy.</i> "I say, guv'nor! I think you must rather like being
+Bishop here!"</p>
+<p><i>His Lordship.</i> "Well, my boy, I hope I do! But why do you ask?"</p>
+<p><i>Festive Middy.</i> "Oh, I've just been taking a walk through the
+city,&mdash;and I <i>say</i>!&mdash;there <i>is</i> an uncommonly good-looking lot o' girls
+about, and <i>no</i> mistake!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_154.png">
+<img src="images/i_154.png" width="100%" alt="A Nasty One" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Nasty One.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Colonel Smithson (of the Poonah Marines).</i> "By the way, my boy at
+Sandhurst hopes to get into your regiment some day."</p>
+<p><i>Little Simpson (of the Royal Hussars Green).</i> "Aw&mdash;I&mdash;aw hope your son
+is up to <i>our form!</i>"</p>
+<p><i>Colonel Smithson.</i> "<i>Your form!</i> Dash it, he's over four feet high,
+anyhow!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_155.png">
+<img src="images/i_155.png" width="100%" alt="A Caution." /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Caution.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Old Gent (with difficulty).</i> "Now really&mdash;Oh! this dis&mdash;graceful
+crowding&mdash;I'm&mdash;I'm positive my gun will go off!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_156.png">
+<img src="images/i_156.png" width="100%" alt="Cheek." /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Cheek.</span></h3>
+<p><i>(The regiment is about to "march out" with twenty rounds of "blank
+cartridge.")</i> <i>Sub-Lieutenant (of twenty-four hours' service).</i>
+"Whereabouts is this pyrotechnic display of yours coming off,
+Colonel!!?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_157.png">
+<img src="images/i_157.png" width="100%" alt="Overheard at Portsmouth" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Overheard at Portsmouth.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Jack.</i> "Well, Polly lass, if it's true as 'ow you're going to get
+spliced to Bill, all I 'opes is that he'll stick to you through thick
+and thin!"</p>
+<p><i>Polly.</i> "Well, 'e <i>ought</i> to, Jack. 'E works in a glue factory."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_158.png">
+<img src="images/i_158.png" width="100%" alt="War Office reject." /></a>
+<br /><br /><p>"Awful bore, dear old chap. War offith won't have me,
+thimply becauth my eyethight ith tho doothed bad!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_159.png">
+<img src="images/i_159.png" width="100%" alt="ARMS OF PRECISION" /></a>
+<h3>ARMS OF PRECISION</h3>
+<p><i>Volunteer Subaltern (as the enemy's scout continues to advance in spite
+of expenditure of much "blank" ammunition).</i> "If that infernal yeoman
+comes any nearer, shy stones at him, some of you!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_160.png">
+<img src="images/i_160.png" width="100%" alt="A FORLORN HOPE" /></a>
+<h3>A FORLORN HOPE</h3>
+<p><i>Captain O'Dowd (of the firm of O'Dowd and Jones, stock-jobbers).</i>
+"What'll I do now? It's beyond me jumpin' powers, an' if I wade I'll be
+wet to the waist." <i>(To Private Halloran, who in civil life is a
+stockbroker's clerk).</i> "Here, Halloran, I want a carry over. You do it
+for me, an' I'll not forget it to you, me lad."</p>
+<p><i>Private Halloran.</i> "Sorry I can't, Captain. You know carryin'-over day
+is not till the sixteenth, an' this is only the seventh!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A LAY OF THE UNION JACK</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By a patriotic Cockney</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem w32"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Though</span> I feel less at home on the bounding wave</p>
+<p class="i2">Than I do on the firm dry land,</p>
+<p class="i0">I can spin you a yarn of a right good craft</p>
+<p class="i2">That is true-British owned and manned.</p>
+<p class="i0">The winds may blow, and the storms may beat,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the hurricanes rage and roar,</p>
+<p class="i0">But "the ship I love" on her course will hold</p>
+<p class="i2">With the Union Jack at the fore.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Fair weather or foul, she ploughs along,</p>
+<p class="i2">Leaving far astern the strand,</p>
+<p class="i0">And many a towering sister bark</p>
+<p class="i2">We pass on the starboard hand,</p>
+<p class="i0">And, Westward ho! as we bear away!</p>
+<p class="i2">I can count stout ships galore,</p>
+<p class="i0">Abeam, in our wake, and ahead, that fly</p>
+<p class="i2">The Union Jack at the fore.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And the sight of the flag that has swept the seas,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor ever has known disgrace,</p>
+<p class="i0">Makes even a landlubber's bosom swell</p>
+<p class="i2">With the pride of his English race.</p>
+<p class="i0">At that gallant sight in my landsman's heart</p>
+<p class="i2">I rejoice&mdash;and rejoice still more</p>
+<p class="i0">That I'm only aboard of a road-car 'bus,</p>
+<p class="i2">With the Union Jack at the fore!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_162.png">
+<img src="images/i_162.png" width="100%" alt="Used to it" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"Used to it!"</span></h3>
+<p><i>Officer at firing-point (who thinks that
+it's raining).</i> "Sergeant Mauchline, hadn't you better wear your
+greatcoat till it's your turn to fire?" <i>Sergeant Mauchline (frae the
+"Land of Lorne").</i> "Hoo! Nothe noo! I'll pit it on when it comes wat!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>DO'S AND DONT'S FOR VOLUNTEERS</h2>
+
+<center>1. <span class="smcap">Don't</span> go to camp. But if you do,</center>
+
+<p>2. Don't get up when revally sounds. You'll find adjutant's parade in
+the early morning, the very early morning, such a beastly bore, and so
+bad for the liver that it is far wiser to stay in the
+"palliasse"&mdash;(besides, hasn't your doctor often told you that it is
+madness to suppose you can play such tricks at your time of life?)&mdash;they
+can only give you a few years' imprisonment for repeated mutinous
+conduct, and you could doubtless petition the Home Secretary for an
+aggravation of your sentence.</p>
+
+<p>3. Don't submit to harsh or cursory remarks from the adjutant. Do answer
+him back. You know quite well that in private life you would not put up
+with his hasty, ill-considered and offensive language, nor permit him to
+hector you because your collar was not clean, and if you <i>have</i> come on
+parade without cleaning your belt or rifle, what right has he to say
+that it makes him furious? Do point out to him how absurd it is to
+expect such<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> minute attention to discipline on the part of so
+intelligent a volunteer as yourself.</p>
+
+<p>4. Don't overtax your strength or weaken your heart by "doubling" up
+impossible hills, merely because the colonel (on a horse) thinks it
+looks pretty. Of course you would be perfectly ready to do anything that
+was necessary, but how can the empire's safety depend upon your losing
+your wind, when the enemy are some of your oldest friends, with a
+handkerchief tied round their sleeves?</p>
+
+<p>5. Do insist upon having hot water to shave with, and an extra blanket
+when the nights get chilly. Very probably the captain of your company
+would turn out of his bed and take your palliasse if you asked him
+nicely.</p>
+
+<p>6. Don't do any menial or degrading work, such as cleaning cooking
+utensils or greasing your own boots. The Government ought to know that
+gentlemen can't be expected to do that kind of work, and should provide
+an efficient staff of servants.</p>
+
+<p>7. Don't do anything you would rather not.</p>
+
+<p>8. Do set all military discipline at defiance. You probably know much
+better than your officers.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>9. Don't blame me if you find yourself in prison.</p>
+
+<p>10. Do make a stern resolution never to come to camp again.</p>
+
+<p>11. Don't keep it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BUTS AT BISLEY</h2>
+
+<center><i>(Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast)</i></center>
+
+<p>The shooting could not be more satisfactory <i>but</i> for the customary
+"accident."</p>
+
+<p>Everyone would make a "bull" <i>but</i> for the haze and the shiftiness of
+the wind.</p>
+
+<p>The catering is in every way excellent, <i>but</i> heavy meals scarcely
+assist in getting on the target.</p>
+
+<p>It is delightful to entertain visitors&mdash;especially ladies&mdash;at the camp,
+<i>but</i> champagne-cup and provisions generally run into money.</p>
+
+<p>It is healthy to sleep under canvas, <i>but</i> when the thermometer marks
+ninety in the shade or the rain pours down in torrents a bed in an inn
+is preferable.</p>
+
+<p>Bisley is a beautiful place, <i>but</i> Woking cemetery is a dismal
+neighbour.</p>
+
+<p>Distinctly it is nobly patriotic to spend a fortnight with the N. R. A.,
+in the cause of the fatherland, <i>but</i> is it quite worth the trouble?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_164.png">
+<img src="images/i_164.png" width="100%" alt="Bring out my charger" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Swagger Yeomanry Officer.</i> "Bring out my charger."</p>
+<p><i>Job-master's Foreman.</i> "Very sorry, sir, but e's just gorn to a
+funeral!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_166.png">
+<img src="images/i_166.png" width="80%" alt="Report on subaltern" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">He always wondered Himself.</span></h3>
+<p>(Scene&mdash;<i>General Inspection of Volunteer Battalion. Lieut.
+Tompkins&mdash;excellent fellow, but poor soldier&mdash;called out to show the
+General and British public what he knows.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>General.</i> "Now, sir, you now have the battalion in quarter
+column facing south. How would you get into line, in the quickest
+possible way, facing north-east?"</p>
+<p><i>Tompkins (after much fruitless consideration).</i> "Well, sir, do you
+know, that's always what I've wondered."</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Report on subaltern officers&mdash;bad.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_168.png">
+<img src="images/i_168.png" width="100%" alt="Kill your grandmother" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>First Miserable Sub (left at the depot).</i> "I can't
+think, for the life of me, what excuse for two days' leave I'm to give
+the C. O. I've already weighed in with every one I can think of."</p>
+<p><i>Second M. S.</i> "Easy enough, old chap. Kill your grandmother."</p>
+<p><i>First M. S.</i> "Can't, dear boy. I'm keeping her for the Derby!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_169.png">
+<img src="images/i_169.png" width="100%" alt="Slap your leg" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"The Way we had in the Army."</span> (1877).</h3>
+<p><i>Colonel (of the pre-examination period&mdash;to studious sub).</i> "I say,
+youngster, you'll never make a soldier if you don't mind what you're
+about!"</p>
+<p><i>Sub (mildly).</i> "I should be sorry to think that, sir!"</p>
+<p><i>Colonel.</i> "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking
+like a Methodist parson in reduced circumstances!&mdash;Hold up your head,
+sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the
+windows!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_170.png">
+<img src="images/i_170.png" width="100%" alt="cleaning that rifle" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p>"The 'orrid mess master made my kitching in, and hisself
+too, a-cleaning that there dratted rifle, after he'd been a booviackin'
+in the park!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_171.png">
+<img src="images/i_171.png" width="100%" alt="A Dilemma" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Dilemma.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Auxiliary Recruit (to himself).</i> "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now?
+'Drill-sarjint tould me always to salute me officer with the far-off
+hand, and here's two iv 'em! Faix, I'll make it straight for meself
+anyhow!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Throws up both hands.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_172.png">
+<img src="images/i_172.png" width="100%" alt="Off" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"Off!"</span></h3>
+<p><i>Sergeant O'Leary.</i> "Double! Left! Right! What the blazes, Pat Rooney,
+d'ye mane by not doublin' wid the squad?"</p>
+<p><i>Pat.</i> "Shure, sergeant, 'twasn't a fair start"!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_173.png">
+<img src="images/i_173.png" width="80%" alt="Lucus a Non" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"Lucus a Non,"</span> &amp;c.</h3>
+<center><i>(Aiming drill.)</i></center>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Musketry Instructor.</i> "Now, then! How do you 'xpect to see the hobject
+haimed at, if you don't keep your heye closed?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_174.png">
+<img src="images/i_174.png" width="100%" alt="You surrender" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Man&oelig;uvres.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Captain of Skirmishers (rushing in to seize picket sentries of the
+enemy).</i> "Hullo! He-ar! You surrender to this company!"</p>
+<p><i>Opposition Lance-Corporal.</i> "Beg pardon, sir! It's the other way, sir.
+We're a brigade, sir!!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_175.png">
+<img src="images/i_175.png" width="100%" alt="Military Ardour" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Military Ardour.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Sentry (with mixed ideas of manual and platoon).</i> "Gar'd t'n out!"</p>
+<p><i>Commandant.</i> "Bless you, sir, what are you about?"</p>
+<p><i>Sentry.</i> "Shure, I'm waitin' for the worr'd foire!"</p>
+<blockquote><p>[Extract from Field Exercise or Red Book, pocket edition, page
+356:&mdash;<i>Sentries paying compliments:</i> "To field officers he will
+<i>present</i> arms."</p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_176.png">
+<img src="images/i_176.png" width="100%" alt="Volunteer Tactics" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Volunteer Tactics at our Autumn Man&oelig;uvres.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Captain Wilkinson (excitedly, to Major Walker, of the firm of
+Wilkinson, Walker, &amp; Co., Auctioneers and Estate Agents).</i> "Don't you
+think we'd better bring our right wing round to attack the enemy's
+flank, so as to prevent their occupying those empty houses we have to
+let in Barker's Lane?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_177.png">
+<img src="images/i_177.png" width="100%" alt="A Poser" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Poser.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Sergeant-Major.</i> "Now, Private Smith, you know very well none but
+officers and non-commissioned officers are allowed to walk across this
+grass!"</p>
+<p><i>Private Smith.</i> "But, sergeant-major, I've Captain Graham's verbal
+orders to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Sergeant-Major.</i> "None o' that, sir! Show me the captain's verbal
+orders! Show'm to me, sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_178.png">
+<img src="images/i_178.png" width="100%" alt="Follow my Leader" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">"Follow my Leader!"</span></h3>
+<p>Captain Barble (East Suffolkshire R. V.) going to drill, has occasion to
+pass a certain window for reasons best known to himself. A vague idea
+possesses him that something is wrong somehow, or what should create
+such amusement on this occasion!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MILITARY DIALOGUES</h2>
+
+<center>III<br /><br />
+
+HOW IT SHOULD NOT BE DONE</center>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Interior of a dreary room in the War Office. A tired-looking young
+officer, in mufti, sits at a table with great piles of papers, each
+bundle tied with red tape and ticketed with labels of different
+colours, on one side of it ready to his hand. Another pile of
+papers, which he has already dealt with, is on the other side of the
+table. He is an official and has many letters, the first two being
+D. A. after his name. The gas has just been lighted. A clerk brings
+in another fat bundle of papers.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>The Officer (patting the smaller pile on the table).</i> These can go on,
+Smithers. That question of sardine-openers must go back to the
+commissariat, and the General commanding the Central District must be
+authorised to deal on his own responsibility with the matter of the
+fierce bull in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> field where the recruits bathe. What have you got
+there?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> It is the correspondence, sir, relative to that false tooth
+requisitioned for by the officer commanding the Rutlandshire Regiment
+for the first cornet of the band. The Medical Department sent it back to
+us this morning, and there is another letter in from the Colonel,
+protesting against his regiment being forced to go route marching to an
+imperfect musical accompaniment.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer (groaning).</i> I thought we had got rid of that matter at
+last by sending it to the doctors.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> No, sir. The Surgeon-General has decided that "one tooth,
+false, with gold attachment," cannot be considered a medical comfort.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer (taking a précis from the top of the papers).</i> I suppose we
+must go into the matter again. It began with the letter from the Colonel
+to the General?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> Yes, sir, here it is. The O. C. the Rutland Regiment has
+the honour to report that the first cornet player in the band has lost
+a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> tooth, and as the band has become inefficient in the playing of
+marching music in consequence, he requests that a false tooth may be
+supplied at Government expense.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> And the General, of course, replied in the usual formula
+that he had no fund available for such purpose.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> Yes, sir; but suggested that the regimental band fund might
+be drawn on.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> Where is the Colonel's letter in reply. (It is handed to
+him.) Ah, yes. Band fund is established, he writes, for purchase of
+musical instruments and music, and not for repair of incomplete
+bandsmen, and refuses to authorise expense, except under order from the
+Commander-in-Chief.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> The General sends this on to us with a remark as to the
+Colonel's temper.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> And we pass it to the Quarter-Master-General's people,
+suggesting that under certain circumstances a false tooth might be
+considered a "necessary," and a free issue made.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> A very long memo, on the subject, in reply, from the
+Q.-M.-G., sir. He points out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> that though, under exceptional
+circumstances, a pair of spectacles might be held to be a
+sight-protector, a false tooth could not be held to be either a fork, a
+spoon, a shaving-brush, a razor, or even an oil bottle.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> We wrote back suggesting that it might pass as a
+"jag"&mdash;our little joke.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> <i>Your</i> little joke, sir. The Q.-M.-G.'s people didn't see
+it.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> No? Then the correspondence goes on to the Ordnance
+Department, with a suggestion that a false tooth might be considered an
+arm or an accoutrement.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> The Director-General replies, sir, that in the early days
+of the British Army, when the Army Clothing Department's sole issue was
+a supply of woad, a tooth, or indeed a nail, might have reasonably been
+indented for as a weapon, but that, owing to the introduction and
+perfection of fire-arms, such weapons are now obsolete and cannot be
+issued.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> And now the Medical Service refuse to help us.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> Yes, sir. They cannot bring the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> fixing of it under the
+head of surgical operations, and the Surgeon-General points out very
+justly, if I may be permitted to say so, sir, that a seal-pattern false
+tooth could hardly be considered a "medical comfort."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> What are we to do? The Colonel of the regiment is
+evidently furious.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Clerk.</i> We might send the correspondence to the Inspector of Iron
+Structures. He may be able to do or suggest something.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Officer.</i> Very well; and will you send off this telegram to my wife
+saying I have a long evening's work before me, and that I shall not be
+able to get back to dinner to-night? (<i>Exit the Clerk.</i>) Whenever will
+they trust a General Commanding a District to spend for the public good
+on his own responsibility a sum as large as a schoolboy's allowance, and
+so take some of the unnecessary work off our shoulders?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>He tackles wearily another file of papers.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_180.png">
+<img src="images/i_180.png" width="100%" alt="Under Cover" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Under Cover</span>.</h3>
+<p>"So glad to see you, Mrs. Bamsby! And how is your dear husband? Where
+<i>is</i> the Colonel? I was only saying the other day, 'I wonder when I
+shall see Colonel Bamsby!'"</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Colonel B.</i> "You'll see him <i>now</i>, my dear if I just step aside,
+or you walk round me."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_182.png">
+<img src="images/i_182.png" width="100%" alt="fall back slowly" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Easter Man&oelig;uvres</span>.</h3>
+<p><i>Adjutant.</i> "Your orders are that when you are attacked, Captain
+Slasher, you are to fall back slowly."</p>
+<p><i>Capt. Slasher.</i> "In which direction am I to retire, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Adjutant.</i> "Well, the proper way, of course, would be over that hill,
+but&mdash;<i>they intend to have lunch behind that farmhouse in the valley.</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_184.png">
+<img src="images/i_184.png" width="80%" alt="Synonymous" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Synonymous.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Instructor.</i> "Now, I've explained the different 'sights,' you, Private
+Dumpy, tell me what a fine 'sight' is. Describe it as well as you
+can&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Private Dumpy.</i> "A fine sight, sir? A fine sight&mdash;(<i>pondering</i>)&mdash;'s a
+magnificen' spe'tacle, sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_186.png">
+<img src="images/i_186.png" width="100%" alt="Can I do anything" /></a>
+<h3>VOLUNTEER MAN&OElig;UVRES</h3>
+<p><i>Sergeant.</i> "Can I do anything for you, captain?"</p>
+<p><i>Captain.</i> "Why, thanky, sergeant. If you wouldn't mind giving my other
+leg a hitch over!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_188.png">
+<img src="images/i_188.png" width="100%" alt="MULTUM IN PARVO" /></a>
+<h3>MULTUM IN PARVO</h3>
+<p><i>Inspecting Officer.</i> "How is it your khaki is so much too small?"</p>
+<p><i>Stout Yeoman.</i> "It do seem a bit skimpy, sur. But tailor says as how
+I'm bound to grow a 'eap smaller on hactive service, an' 'e's allowin'
+for shrinkage."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>INSTRUCTIONS TO NAUTICAL MEN IN THE NOBLE ART OF QUADRILLE DANCING</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Le Pantalon.</span>&mdash;Haul upon the starboard tack and let the other craft
+pass&mdash;then bear up and get your head on the other tack&mdash;regain your
+berth on the port tack&mdash;back and fill with your partner and boxhaul
+her&mdash;wear round twice against the sun in company with the opposite
+craft, then your own&mdash;afterwards boxhaul her again and bring her up.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">L'ete.</span>&mdash;Shoot ahead about two fathoms till you nearly come stem on with
+the other craft under weigh&mdash;then make a stern board to your berth and
+side out for a bend, first to starboard, then to port&mdash;make sail and
+pass the opposite craft&mdash;then get your head round on the other
+tack&mdash;another side to starboard and port&mdash;then make sail to regain your
+berth&mdash;wear round, back and fill and boxhaul your partner.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">La Poule.</span>&mdash;Heave ahead and pass your adversary yard-arm to
+yard-arm&mdash;regain your berth on the other tack in the same order&mdash;take
+your station in a line with your partner&mdash;back and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> fill&mdash;fall on your
+heel and bring up with your partner&mdash;she then man&oelig;uvres ahead and
+heaves all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and pays off
+alongside&mdash;you then make sail in company, till nearly stem on with the
+other line&mdash;make a stern board and cast her off to shift for
+herself&mdash;regain your berth in the best means possible, and let go your
+anchor.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">La Trenise.</span>&mdash;Wear round as before against the sun twice, boxhaul the
+lady, and range up alongside her, and make sail in company&mdash;when
+half-way across to the other shore drop astern with the tide&mdash;shoot
+ahead again and cast off the tow&mdash;now back and fix as before and boxhaul
+her and yourself into your berth, and bring up.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">La Pastorale.</span>&mdash;Shoot ahead alongside your partner, then make a stern
+board&mdash;again make all sail over to the other coast&mdash;let go the hawser,
+and pay off into your own berth and take a turn&mdash;the three craft
+opposite range up abreast towards you twice, and back astern again&mdash;now
+man&oelig;uvre any rig you like, only under easy sail, as it is always
+"light winds" (zephyrs) in this passage&mdash;as soon as you see their helms
+down, haul round in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> company with them on port tack&mdash;then make all sail
+with your partner into your own berth, and bring up.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">La Finale.</span>&mdash;Wear round to starboard, passing under your partner's
+bows&mdash;sight the catheads of craft on your starboard bow&mdash;then make sail
+into your own berth&mdash;your partner passing athwart your bows&mdash;now proceed
+according to the second order of sailing&mdash;to complete the evolutions
+shoot ahead and back astern twice, in company with the whole squadron,
+in the circular order of sailing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_190.png">
+<img src="images/i_190.png" width="100%" alt="BRITISH GRENADIER" /></a>
+<br />
+<h3>WHAT THE "BRITISH GRENADIER" IS INEVITABLY COMING TO</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Some talk of Alexander, and some of Pericles,</p>
+<p class="i0">Of Hector and Lysander, and such old guys as these;</p>
+<p class="i0">But of all the horrid objects, the "wust" I do declare,</p>
+<p class="i0">Is the Prusso-Russo-Belgo-Gallo-British Grenadier.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_192.png">
+<img src="images/i_192.png" width="100%" alt="Reserve Forces" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">The Reserve Forces.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Militia Officer.</i> "Augh!&mdash;a new man. Ah&mdash;'ve you been in 'service
+before?"</p>
+<p><i>Recruit.</i> "Yes, sir."</p>
+<p><i>Officer.</i> "Augh&mdash;what regiment?"</p>
+<p><i>Recruit.</i> "Mrs. Wiggins's coachman, sir!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_193.png">
+<img src="images/i_193.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. P with umbrella" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h3>THE END</h3>
+
+<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE</center>
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,3327 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch on the Warpath
+       Humours of the Army, The Navy and The Reserve Forces
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Reginald Cleaver et al
+
+Release Date: November 26, 2011 [EBook #38146]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+    MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
+
+    PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+    Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MILITARY EDUCATION.
+
+_General._ "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of cavalry in modern
+warfare?"
+
+_Mr. de Bridoon._ "Well, I suppose to give tone to what would otherwise
+be a mere vulgar brawl!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HUMOURS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE RESERVE FORCES
+
+_WITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+BY REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+C. L. POTT, CHARLES PEARS, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR,
+FRED. PEGRAM, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND OTHERS
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"FORWARD!"
+
+Was there ever protean like MR. PUNCH! The little man is a wonder. In so
+many guises do we encounter him--now as tourist, again as playgoer, as
+huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home
+philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where
+not and how not?--that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on
+the warpath. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people?
+
+Of course it may be suggested that in the present book we do not have
+what is entirely a record of his achievements on many a well-fought
+field. There are not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic
+battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only recent experience
+of the real thing leaves MR. PUNCH too sore of heart to say much about
+it. But as we are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace prepare
+for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, we are always
+"preparing"--hence, perhaps, the reason why we are never ready. But
+there is a deal of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to
+MR. PUNCH. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the past Charles Keene
+found many of his happiest subjects in the humours of military life and
+volunteering, while to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic
+volunteer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many brilliant aiders
+and abettors.
+
+MR. PUNCH is, by turns, general, drum major, full private, cavalry man
+and "kiltie," he is also A. B. when the occasion serves, and would be
+horse-marine if necessary! At all events he has given the command, and
+it's "Forward!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WATERLOO UP-TO-DATE _(a fact)_.
+
+_Belgian Guide._ Ze brave Picton 'e fall in ze arms of _victoire_----
+
+_Facetious Britisher._ Where was Lord Roberts?
+
+_Guide (not to be done)._ Lord Robert 'e stand on _zis montagne_, and 'e
+cry, "Hoop, Garde, and at zem!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The report that there are 46,719 total abstainers in the British Army is
+welcome news, but what grieves recruiting officers is the number of
+total abstainers from the British Army.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS MILITARY FACT.--The seat of war is always the spot where two
+forces are standing up to one another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPOT TO BE AVOIDED BY ROYAL ARTILLERYMEN.--Gunnersbury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ADVICE FOR MARTINETS.--Military authorities should consider whether it
+would not be advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the
+tidiness of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMONG WARRIORS.
+
+_Interested Patron._ So I see you lost an arm in the battle.
+
+_An Atkins ("back from the Front")._ Ay, sir, and my companion here
+_(indicating Atkins No. 2)_ he lost a leg.
+
+_Patron._ And your Colonel--in the same battle, eh?
+
+_Atkins No. 2._ Ah! he was worse off than either of us, sir; he lost his
+head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMY CHAPLAINS.--Wouldn't they be all doubly serviceable in time of war
+if they were all canons?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bluejacket (in charge of party of sightseers)._ "Here
+Nelson fell."
+
+_Old Lady._ "An' I don't wonder at it, poor dear. Nasty slippery place!
+I nearly fell there myself!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BLACK WATCH"
+
+  The Black Watch will go night and day.
+  The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate.
+  The Black Watch always keeps time.
+  The Black Watch is never out of gear.
+  The Black Watch wants no "winding up."
+  The Black Watch can be warranted for any period.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers)._ Now tell
+me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso?
+
+_P. of D. F._ Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of
+bullets that missed me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MYSTERY FROM SHOEBURY.--When does the cannon ball? When the
+Vickers-Maxim.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her
+niece, "I _do_ know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is.
+It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am
+not so ignorant as you may think."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fond Mother (reading letter from only son at the
+front)._ "Charlie says our Generals are perfect idiots!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS
+
+(_From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist_)
+
+_How to represent the Army._--Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied
+with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a
+Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes.
+Regimental levee scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat
+attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag.
+
+_How to represent the Navy._--Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors.
+Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver
+letters H.M.S. _Coquette_. Hair built up _a la_ "Belle of New York"
+surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING MILITARY.--The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess,
+individually and collectively, more money than those of any other
+regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so--we name no
+names--these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW EFFECTUALLY TO PRODUCE "SILENCE IN THE RANKS."--Use the _Dum Dum_
+bullets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PAID IN HIS OWN COIN; OR, WHAT WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.
+
+_Convicted Contractor._ "Look here! I can't walk in these boots, and I
+can't eat this food!"
+
+_Warder Punch_. "Well, you've got to; it's what you supplied to the
+troops."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR NON-COMS.
+
+_Orderly Sergeant (to officer)._ "Beg your pardon, sorr, but 'm wan
+ration short. Who will I give it to?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MILITARY PERIL.
+
+_Old Lady (to member of signalling section, who has just commenced to
+reply to a message)._ "Young man, if you think to alarm _me_ by wagging
+those flags about, you are very much mistaken!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY
+
+That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight.
+
+That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more
+easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries
+and cream.
+
+That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in
+the neighbourhood on a bicycle.
+
+That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly
+"shoppy."
+
+That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links
+or tyres.
+
+That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to
+Waterloo in forty minutes.
+
+That life under canvas is recommended by the doctors when it is subject
+to certain favourable climatic conditions.
+
+That, with the power of enjoying your outing to the end, or cutting it
+short at the beginning, you can yet claim credit for your self-denial
+and patriotism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CORONA FINIT OPUS.
+
+_Mary Anne._ "When are they going to start this army reform they talk
+such a lot about?"
+
+_Private Atkins._ "Why bless your 'eart, _it's all
+done_! Look at our new caps!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ALDERSHOT CAMPAIGN
+
+_Private Sweeny (Highland regiment)._ "Colony bog, is it? Thin bedad! I
+wish I was back in Tipperary!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BANTING IN THE YEOMANRY
+
+_Troop Sergeant-Major._ "It comes to this, captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a
+new jacket or knock off one o' my meals!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIFORMITY
+
+SCENE--_Pall Mall. Enter officer in full uniform hurriedly. He is
+stopped by messenger._
+
+_Messenger._ Yes, sir?
+
+_Officer._ I want to see the Commander-in-Chief at once.
+
+_Messenger._ Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman who has just entered
+the room is likely to be there for the next three hours. He came here
+two minutes before your arrival.
+
+_Officer._ But is a civilian allowed to take precedence of an officer in
+full uniform?
+
+_Messenger._ Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a civilian; but an
+officer like yourself.
+
+_Officer._ And yet he is admitted in mufti! Why, here have I had to come
+up from the country in full rig, being chaffed at the railway station,
+grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the crowd!
+
+_Messenger._ Yes, sir. Very sorry you should have been inconvenienced,
+sir, especially as it was unnecessary, sir!
+
+_Officer._ Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day
+that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose
+whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and
+regiment?
+
+_Messenger._ No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the _second_ of April, is the
+proper date. To-day, sir, is the _first_ of April.
+
+_Officer._ And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date!
+Quite the most appropriate date!
+
+_Messenger._ Yes, sir!
+
+  (_Curtain._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot
+soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea--as some persons profess
+to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted
+Cavalry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IMPOSSIBLE MANOEUVRE IN AUTUMN.--To be in the March past.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST MILITARY DRAWING.--Drawing your pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HANDY MAN.--What he will have to become, if
+recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more new
+battleships are constructed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
+
+_Hector._ "Now then, young feller--who are you staring at?"
+
+_Hodge._ "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? _I pays vor yer!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT FOR PATRICK!
+
+["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new
+Irish Guards."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+    What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees,
+    As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P.'s?
+    Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches,
+    An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.
+
+    What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl
+    Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl!
+    No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it,
+    But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have
+decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on
+marriage or promotion, _or in respect of any minor irregularities_." In
+future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted
+will not need to say, with the _King of Denmark_, "O, my offence is
+rank!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS"
+
+Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY SURGERY
+
+DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH.--In a telegram from the seat of war this week
+I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's
+main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your
+skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either
+verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I
+presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were
+carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of
+arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as
+to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of
+his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where
+were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be
+correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army
+in Flanders never practised such lopsided manoeuvres.
+
+  Yours respectfully,
+
+  CORPORAL TRIM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ALL'S WELL!"
+
+_Cockney Volunteer_ (_on sentry go_). "Halt! Who goes there?"
+
+_Rustic._ "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE
+
+"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his
+boots!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Elder Sister_ (_coming up_). "Kitty! what have you been saying to
+Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"
+
+_Kitty_ (_engaged to the Captain_). "I only told him that if he had gone
+to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR NEWS.--"Reports of Conflicts," _i.e._, "Conflicting Reports."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AN ARMED NATION"
+
+  ["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining
+  the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."--_Daily Press._]
+
+EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES
+
+1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible,
+and then passed on to the next man.
+
+2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall
+be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.
+
+3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at
+"attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.
+
+4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for
+so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the
+rifle--_i.e._ one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close
+his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave
+only seven men out of ten unemployed.
+
+5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the
+enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.
+
+6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to
+wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after
+being fired off.
+
+7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall
+not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to
+take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary
+comrade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _North Cork Militia Man._ "Am I to shalute him, or no?
+Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniral."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL YEOMANRY.
+
+_Recruit._ "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on
+this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is
+legs through nohow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NECESSARY KIT
+
+    ["A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of
+    necessaries."--_Army Order._]
+
+    It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man,
+    That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann.
+    Well, now 'ere's the latest horder--just yer take a read of it--
+    That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.
+
+    Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said!
+    But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead.
+    Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit,
+    For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.
+
+    They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet,
+    That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get,
+    'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit
+    If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.
+
+    But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell,
+    And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall,
+    But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit,
+    If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ADVANCE NOTES" (_Military_).--The bugler's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boatswain_ (_to newly-joined cadet_). "Come, my little
+man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did
+your mother cry when you left?"
+
+_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."
+
+_Boatswain._ "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"
+
+_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."
+
+_Boatswain._ "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"
+
+_Cadet._ "No, sir."
+
+_Boatswain._ "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE," &c.
+
+_Fair Visitor_ (_with a thirst for military knowledge_). "So all the
+kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many
+pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"
+
+_Gallant Major._ "Really--er--I've no--er--idea, I'm sure, don't
+y'know."
+
+_Fair Visitor._ "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_ (_to Irish sentry on guard tent_). "Why don't
+you face your proper front, sentry?"
+
+_Sentry._ "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SANDHURST AND ITS MESSES.
+
+_General Bouncer_ (_on a round of inspection at Sandhurst_). "Augh! Can
+you tell me what 'mess' this is?"
+
+_Cadet._ "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865)
+
+The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal
+hotel.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EXPLAINED.--_Auntie_ (_explaining morning manoeuvres of
+His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall_).
+"Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the
+whole lot--and then there's two more!"
+
+    [Youthful niece sees.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.--_Jack_ (_singing at the top of
+his voice_)--"There's only _one_ girl in the world for me!"--_Popular
+Song._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [According to the _Daily Telegraph_ zebra mules have been
+introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes.
+
+     Would not their introduction--as above--into Whitehall lend a new
+     and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene?
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST
+
+ON THE ARMY.
+
+Astonishing lot of nonsense the _Daily Wire_ prints about military
+affairs ... no, I do _not_ waste my time reading it. Any intelligent
+citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And
+our army is rotten, madam--rotten to the core.... What? That reminds
+you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please--I'm not
+talking about apples. Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain
+common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in
+England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I
+didn't say they _had_ interfered with us--but just think of the
+disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of
+defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive
+frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him
+that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen
+to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress
+bills--but I was talking about the army.
+
+Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life
+do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating
+luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in
+horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it,
+Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something
+then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to
+stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No,
+I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are
+absolutely necessary.
+
+First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of
+brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great
+army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve
+his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of
+English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do
+wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll
+have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he
+comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh?
+Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his
+training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high
+wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system
+takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!...
+If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the
+_Daily Wire_ on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the
+     Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with
+     the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the
+     breach for this purpose._
+
+_Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's
+all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a
+bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle
+with 'is naked heye!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they
+made!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt,
+    When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."
+    Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.
+    Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR RESERVES.--_A.-D.-C_. "What the deuce are you men
+doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing
+ball cartridge, not blank."
+
+_Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view
+the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought
+'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORY.--A review of the Royal (Sub)marines
+near the Goodwin Sands. (_You could hardly "tell the Marines" in their
+new sub-aqueous uniform._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL MEDALS
+
+We are happy to announce that the Lords of the Admiralty have issued an
+order for the distribution of medals to the officers and seamen who
+served in the naval actions hereunder specified. We understand the
+medals are of gold, set round with diamonds of the most costly
+description. Great caution will be used in the distribution, to prevent
+fraud in personating deceased officers, &c.
+
+     A.D. 876. King Alfred's engagement with and destruction of the
+                 Danish fleet.
+
+       --1350. Great sea-fight between the English and the combined fleets
+               of France and Spain.
+
+       --1588. Destruction of the Spanish Armada.
+
+       --1702. Admiral Benbow's engagement with the French.
+
+       --1761. Siege and capture of Belleisle.
+
+N.B. No officer or seaman will be entitled to a medal in respect of the
+last-mentioned siege, unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was
+"there all the while."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RATHER SEVERE.
+
+_Regular_ (_manoeuvring with Yeomanry_). "Got to give up my arms, have
+I? Umph! This comes of going out with a lot of darned Volunteers."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YEOMANRY MANOEUVRES. (FIRST DAY IN CAMP.)--_Officer._
+"What's all this? What are you doing with that cask?"
+
+_Trooper._ "Tent equipment, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR REVIEW.--The colonel is wondering what manoeuvre he
+ought to execute in the circumstances.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANOEUVRES.--_Lieutenant Nobs_ (_just arrived_). "How
+long will you take to drive me to the fort, Cabby?"
+
+_Cabby._ "Ten minutes, Capting, by the shortcut through the halleys. But
+the military allus goes the long way round, through the fashionable part
+o' the town, yer honour, which takes an hour."
+
+    [_Cabby gets his hour._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TECHNICAL EDUCATION IN THE ARMY.
+
+_Officer_ (_examining a Mounted Infantry class_). "Well, I think you
+understand about the hoof and what the frog is. Now, just tell me where
+you would expect to find corns?"
+
+_Mounted Infantry Recruit_ (_suspecting a catch_). "In the manger,
+sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MILITARY INTELLIGENCE.
+
+_Musketry Instructor_ (_who wishes, by simple practical examples, to
+bring the fact of the air's resistance and elasticity to the mind of
+intelligent pupil, No. 450, Private Jones_), _loq._ "For instance, you
+have seen an air-cushion, and felt that it contained something you could
+not compress. What was it?"
+
+_Private Jones_ (_readily_). "'Orse 'air, sir!"
+
+    [_Enthusiastic instructor tries again._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIVERSIONS OF DRILL (1860).
+
+_Captain of Volunteers._ "Dress back, No. 3, do dress back. Comp'ny!
+Fours! As y' were! No. 3, Mr. Buffles, how often am I to speak to you,
+sir? Will you dress back, sir; further still, sir. You are not dressed
+exactly yet, sir, by a----"
+
+_Buffles_ (_goaded to madness_). "Bet yer five pounds I am--there!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the Secretary of State for War
+is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing
+facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers
+and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad
+to notice, from the subjoined advertisement, which appeared in the
+_Daily News_, that the public themselves are taking the matter in
+hand:--
+
+     TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid for one lady. Light,
+     comfortable situation. Good wages.--Apply, &c.
+
+The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that
+usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and
+"comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to
+look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive
+occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms.
+Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably
+wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the
+kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog,
+larding a pheasant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. _Buzzard_ has been anchored as a
+permanent guardship of honour immediately opposite the approach to _Mr
+Punch's_ offices in Bouverie Street. The compliment is much appreciated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Further changes in our Navy are announced. Chaplains are to be
+abolished, and the navigating officers are to include in their duties
+those of sky-pilots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COCKNEY'S QUESTION ON THE NAVY.--Does a Port Admiral mean an Admiral
+who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for
+service till he is very old?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A JOVIAL CREW.--Jack Tars in a jolly-boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SICK BAY.
+
+_Fleet Surgeon._ "There doesn't seem much wrong with you, my man. What's
+the matter?"
+
+_A. B._ "Well, sir, it's like this, sir. I _eats_ well, an' I _drinks_
+well, an' I _sleeps_ well; but when I sees a job of work--there, I'm all
+of a tremble!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIELD TRAINING NOTES.--(_Aldershot._) _General_ (_to
+Irish recruit_). "Can you tell me how many species of pack animals there
+are?"
+
+(_No answer._)
+
+_General._ "Well, do you know _any_ kind of pack animal?"
+
+_Recruit_ (_inspired by recollection of many days' pack-drill_.) "Yes,
+sorr. A defaulter, sorr!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel_ (_who is taking a turn round to see how his
+subs are getting along with their road sketching_). "You know, this
+won't do. You should be able to _ride_ about the country, and make
+sketches as you go."
+
+_Jones_ (_not getting along at all nicely, thank you_). "Well, sir, if I
+could do that, sir, I should chuck up the army, and join a circus!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COULDN'T MAKE 'UN SPEAK."
+
+_Infuriated C. O. 10th V. B. Mudfordshire Fusiliers_ (_who has ordered
+bugler to sound the "Cease fire" several times without effect_). "Don't
+you hear me, fellow? Why the deuce don't you sound the 'Cease fire' when
+I tell you?"
+
+_His Bugler._ "If ye plaze, zur, a've blowed a quid o' bacca down spout
+t'ould trumputt, awn I can't make un speak!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE
+
+     ["Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, has decided
+     that the 'quiff' is 'unsoldierly,' and 'disfiguring,' and has
+     ukased its abolition. The 'quiff' is the forelock worn by Mr.
+     Thomas Atkins."--_Pall Mall Gazette._]
+
+_Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German
+Army._
+
+Dere Ole Sauerkraut,--Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the
+Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm
+blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in
+the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we
+gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! I must tell
+yer we wears a hartful curl on our forrids wot is knowed as a "quiff,"
+and I give yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite! Susan (with lots
+o' cash as bein' only daughter of a plumber), wot I walks out with,
+simply 'angs on to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our colonel
+says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to
+bloomin' well lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with Susan.
+
+  Yores melancholy-like,
+
+    THOMAS ATKINS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     ["The German uniform is to be changed to a grey-brown. The officers
+     are particularly annoyed at the change, and complain that they
+     might at least have been allowed to keep the bright buttons on
+     their tunics. These are also to be dulled down to the new drab
+     _regime_. Everything that is not strictly utilitarian--tassels,
+     lace, and decorations--is to be banished from the
+     parade-ground."--_Westminster Gazette._]
+
+_Letter from a Private in the German Army to a Private in the British
+Army._
+
+Mein Gut Friend,--We haf the both trouble much got! You haf the
+beautiful Susan _verloren_. I my Katrine am deprived of. Because why? I
+was so schmart lookin' in mein regimentalen blue dat Katrine fell in
+luff with me on first sighten and called me in ways of fun her "leetle
+blue _teufel_"! But now, ach Himmel! she at me _cochet die snooken!_
+"Cuts," as you say. I broken-ar-arted quite am. Because why? The Office
+die Warren as us ordered to take off der blue regimentalen. We haf in
+brown-grey to dress ourselves. Ah! dirdy, bad, rotten colour! And no
+more ze _schon_ buttons to haf that the beating heart of Katrine
+conquered. Farewell to Katrine! She brown ates.--Zo longen
+
+    KARL SCHNEIDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY BY THE NAVY LEAGUE.--Does Brittania rule the waves, or does she
+mean to waive her rule?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Commander._ What is your complaint against this boy?
+
+_Bluejacket._ Well, sir, as I was a-walkin' arft, this 'ere boy, 'e up
+an' calls me a bloomin' idjit. Now, 'ow would you like to be called a
+bloomin' idjit, supposin' you wasn't one?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERILS OF MIMIC WAR.
+
+_Motor Lieutenant, Motor Volunteer Corps_ (_to General in his charge_).
+"I say, sir, if we"--(_bump!_)--"upset"--(_bang!_)--"shall I
+get"--(_bump! bang!_)--"a military funeral too?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Perilous position of a gallant officer of Volunteers, on
+a recent march, who (ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hired
+charger) chooses the cooling waters of the ford in preference to the
+bridge._ "Here! Hi! Help, somebody! Hold on! I mean halt! He won't come
+out, and he wants to lie down, and I believe he's going to rear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NAVAL REVIEW (_From an Antique_)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAFALGAR DAY.--(_At the Board School._) _Teacher._ Now can any boy tell
+me why Nelson's column was erected in Trafalgar Square?
+
+_Johnny Grimes_ (_immediately_). Please, sir, to 'elp 'im up to 'eaven,
+when 'e died in the arms of the Wictory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMOUNTS FOR THE YEOMANRY
+
+_Horse-buying "Expert."_ "Yes, it certainly does look more like a
+'towel-horse' than anything else; still it'll have to do!"--Passed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "How dreadfully stout the general is getting!"
+
+"Yes, isn't it fortunate? Otherwise he wouldn't be able to wear all his
+medals!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOOTHSAYINGS FOR SAILORS
+
+    Augury from fowls of air
+      Back to Tuscan gramarye dates.
+    Birds in February pair:
+      Now then, skippers, choose your mates.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMPERTINENT CURIOSITY
+
+_Military Man._ "Well! What are yer a starin' at--ain't yer never seed a
+sodger before?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FORTUNE OF WAR
+
+(_A fragment of a Military Romance, to be published a few years hence_)
+
+     ["The long-proposed introduction of motor-cars into the army for
+     transport purposes is on the point of accomplishment."--_The
+     Outlook._]
+
+... "COMRADES!" cried the proud general, addressing his troops (standing
+around him in the circular square ordered by the latest drill book), "at
+last we are about to reap the reward of our exertions. Thanks to our
+trusty motor-cars, we have traversed the desert at an average speed of
+twenty-five miles an hour. Our casualties have been few and
+insignificant. A dozen or so of the engines blew up, but not more than
+fifty men perished by these accidents. We have, indeed, to mourn the
+loss of some of the 75th Dragoons, whose motor-car went wrong in its
+steering, and rushed at express speed into the middle of a lake. And not
+a few of our heroes have been arrested by the native police on the
+charge of furious driving, with the result that they now languish in
+dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these trifles, compared with the
+glory that will soon be ours? The enemy are now within thirty miles of
+us--a distance which, with a little extra pressure, we can cover in an
+hour. So, forward! Mount motor-cars! Tie down the safety-valves! Seize
+starting levers! Now, when I give the word! Are you read----"
+
+At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him.
+
+"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! It is impossible!"
+
+"Impossible?" echoed the general, in amazement. "Why?"
+
+"For the very good reason that--_we've run out of oil!_"
+
+A loud groan burst from the army on hearing the dreadful news; the voice
+of the general himself shook as he replied:
+
+"Then, for once, we must ride."
+
+"You forget, sir," said the other, "that nowadays we have no horses.
+Shall we--march?"
+
+"No!" cried the intrepid leader. "March? Never! Death before dishonour!
+Men, your general may have to die a rather unpleasant death; but never,
+in this scientific age, never will he insult you by suggesting that you
+should walk!" and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this noble
+utterance. But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only
+possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked
+and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed
+through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that
+its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of
+course, and he went out scouting on his own account--as heroes do--in
+the last chapter.)
+
+"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!"
+
+"Well?" said the general.
+
+"Yes, it _is_ a well, a well of natural petroleum, in fact, which I have
+discovered not half-a-mile away!"
+
+The general clasped his hand, while the army roared themselves hoarse
+with delight. And, an hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the
+horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying towards the doomed
+enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PENALTY OF FAME
+
+_Small Boy_ (_with shrill voice_).
+
+    "'Fightin'--with--the Sev'nth--Royal Fu-siliers--
+                The famous Fu-siliers--
+                The fightin' Fu-siliers,'" &c., &c.
+
+_Irritable War-Office Clerk._ "Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusiliers!
+I'm sick of 'em! Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel Islands!"
+
+    [_Does so._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE OF TU QUOQUE.--_She._ "How do you like my new
+hat?"
+
+_Sutherland Highlander._ "By Jove, what extraordinary headgear you women
+do wear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THAT TYRANT MAN.
+
+_Thomas the Drummer._ "Well, Emmar, you needn't take on so. I loves you
+stright enough; but 'angin' round the barrick gates, askin' for me, is
+the sort of thing I will not 'ave!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE REFORMS WANTED.
+
+_Guardsman._ "I just told one of those Volunteer officers that he must
+_not_ come on parade with his pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the
+demmed impudence to say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his
+corps hadn't buttons!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Riding Master._ "I thought you said you could ride?"
+
+_Candidate for the Imperial Yeomanry._ "Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a
+chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK
+
+_How to make a Recruit._--Take a raw lad from the country (the younger
+the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as
+much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and
+serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be
+sworn in, and he will then be nicely done.
+
+_How to make a Soldier._--Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into
+a depot. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has
+lost any _esprit de corps_ which may have been floating upon the surface
+when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his
+strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to
+India.
+
+_Another Method._--Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let
+him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept
+in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For
+three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make him
+work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now
+reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical
+dressing.
+
+_How to make a Deserter._--A very simple and popular dish. Take a
+soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be
+identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little
+opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.
+
+_Another and Simpler Method._--Take a recruit, without inquiring into
+his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes.
+The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a
+fine military hash) any number of times.
+
+_How to make an Army._--Take a few scores of infantry regiments and
+carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses
+and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached
+generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control
+mixture.
+
+_Another and easier Method._--Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of
+paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your
+sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.
+
+_How to make a Panic._--Take one or two influential newspapers in the
+dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add
+a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the
+whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is
+now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished
+with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion
+relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome,
+although extremely expensive.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRIKE OF SEAMEN.--There is one description of strike in which we hope
+our sailors will never engage--that of their colours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LAND SWELL.--A Lord of the Admiralty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REVIEW AT SPITHEAD.--It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad
+mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO SYMPATHETIC! _Young Yeomanry Officer_ (_airing his
+exploits in the war_). "And among other things, don't you know, I had a
+horse shot under me."
+
+_Fair Ignoramus._ "Poor thing! What was the matter with it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISAGREEABLE TRUTH
+
+_Soldier._ "Now, then! You must move away from here."
+
+_Rude Boy._ "Ah! But _you_ mustn't, old feller!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EUPHEMISTIC.
+
+_Colonel._ "I've never met with a smarter drill than yourself, sergeant,
+or one more thoroughly up to all his duties; but you've one most
+objectionable habit, and that is your constant use of bad language, and
+swearing at the men."
+
+_Sergeant._ "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: H.M.S. _OBESITY_; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS ARE COMING TO
+
+_First A.B._ "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!--f-f-f--it's something horful
+this morning." (_Distant whistle._) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I
+see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?"
+
+_Second A.B._ "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pass us the
+bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake!"
+
+     ["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this
+     is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five
+     different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he
+     should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to
+     induce obesity, gout, and laziness."--_Dr. Yorke Davies in the
+     "Daily Telegraph."_]
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew has just become a
+midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best
+aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK.--The Union Jack Tar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAVAL PROMOTION.--"Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to
+_Glory_."--_Daily Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY.--The chops of the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet
+should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more stable basis!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE
+
+(_A Forecast of the Future_)
+
+     SCENE.--_A lecture-chamber at a military college._ Lecturer
+     _discovered behind a table_. Students _taking notes_.
+
+_Lecturer._ I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear
+for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain.
+
+    [_Dives under his table._
+
+_First Student._ What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the
+beginning.
+
+_Second Student._ It's on "the Militia."
+
+_Lecturer_ (_emerging from his table in fresh regimentals._) Now, my
+men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am
+responsible for your well-being. (_Applause, amidst which the_ Lecturer
+_resumes his ordinary clothing._) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary
+to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer
+must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer
+any questions.
+
+_First Student._ Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this
+interesting entertainment?
+
+_Lecturer._ Certainly. To show you, gentlemen, your duty in the
+Militia. You will be expected to play many parts.
+
+_First Student._ But surely not simultaneously?
+
+_Lecturer._ Why, certainly. The old constitutional force is so
+undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of
+a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the
+chances are that--well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences.
+And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be
+established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the
+civilian.
+
+    [_Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Captain Smythe_ (_a good soldier, but no society man, to
+his hostess_). "I have to thank you, Mrs. Brown, for an evening which
+has been--er--_after two years on the veld_, most enjoyable."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NONE O' YOUR LARKS" (1861)
+
+_Gigantic Navvy._ "Let's walk between yer, gents; folks 'll think you've
+took up a deserter."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREPARING FOR WAR
+
+A Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn
+manoeuvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the
+following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the
+original document) have been omitted. They are now published for the
+first time:--
+
+1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets.
+This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old.
+
+2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by special command of
+Generals of Divisions. The above-mentioned officers are reminded (for
+their instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive and should be
+used as little as possible.
+
+3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry on any march exceeding three
+miles. Commanding officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has recently
+greatly increased in value.
+
+4. In the event of two members of the umpire staff being unable to come
+to an agreement about the respective colours of black and white, they
+will "draw lots;" _id est_, one of them will throw into the air a coin
+of the realm, and before the coin is able to reach the ground, the other
+will give the word either "heads" or "tails." The choice of cries will
+be optional. Gold coins will be used by general officers, silver by
+field officers, and halfpence by all other ranks.
+
+5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to pursue retiring infantry on
+horseback, unless so ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd
+(County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County Down), the Connaught
+Rangers, and the Royal Irish Fusiliers.
+
+6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two hundred yards of six
+hostile batteries of artillery to watch the practice, or for any other
+purpose of instruction, one-tenth of the battalion will be marched to
+the rear, and will be considered _hors de combat_ during the remainder
+of the campaign.
+
+7. A village containing one pioneer, one drummer (or bugler) and a
+quarter-master-sergeant, will be considered fully garrisoned. It will be
+seen that rules of war are to be followed in every particular, down to
+the very smallest details, by all concerned in the campaign.
+
+8. As in the previous series of autumn manoeuvres, _at least_, "five
+minutes' notice" will be given when the army is required to march five
+miles, or to perform any other military duty requiring zeal, steadiness,
+and an intimate acquaintance with "Field Exercises, Edition of 1874,
+Part I."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLVED AT LAST.--_Jawkins._ Why do they always call sailors "tars"?
+
+_Pawkins._--Because they're so accustomed to the pitching of the ship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bluejacket_ (_who has been hauled twice round the sick
+bay, yelling inarticulately, by the surgeon with the forceps_). "Why,
+you 'ad me by the tongue!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A VERBAL DIFFICULTY.
+
+_Irritable Captain._ "Your barrel's disgracefully dirty, sir, and it's
+not the first time; I've a good mind to----"
+
+_Private Flannigan._ "Shure, sor, I niver----"
+
+_Captain_ (_Irish too_). "Silence, sir, when you spake to an officer!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ROYAL SALUTE.--_Officer in charge of battery_ (_in a
+fever lest the time of firing should be a second late_). "Why, what are
+you about, No. 6? Why don't you serve the sponge?"
+
+_Bombardier McGuttle._ "Hoots toots! Can na' a body blaw their nose?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TACTICS.
+
+_Instructor._ "Well, gentlemen, I have endeavoured to explain to you the
+theoretical principles governing the movements of the various portions
+of a combined force; but I must warn you, that, in practice on an
+ordinary field-day, you will probably find it result in hopeless
+confusion; while on active service it will be ten times worse!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONCLUSIVE!
+
+_Volunteer Colonel_ (_swell brewer_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Jenkins, you had
+been indulging in potations that were too strong for you!"
+
+    [_Private J. was being "called over the coals" for insubordination at
+    the inspection._]
+
+_Private Jenkins_ (_who is still wearing his bayonet on the wrong
+side_). "Oh, I couldn't have been drunk, sir, for I never had no more
+than one pint o' your ale all the blessed day!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Register-keeper._ "Major Jones first to count. A
+miss--nothing."
+
+_Major Jones._ "I say, sergeant, that's almost an Irish bull, I fancy!"
+
+_Register-keeper._ "No, sorr, just a simple English miss!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR YEOMANRY.
+
+_Sergeant Major._ "Number three, where's your sword?"
+
+_Recruit_ (_who finds practice very different from theory_). "On the
+ground. Carn't see 'un?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY DIALOGUES
+
+I
+
+ARMY REFORM
+    SCENE.--_The drawing-room of the Colonel's quarters, decorated with
+    trophies from many lands and water-colour sketches. Mrs. Bulkwise, the
+    Colonel's wife, a tall, broad and assertive lady, is giving tea to Mrs.
+    Lyttleton-Cartwright, with the stamp of fashion upon her, and Mrs.
+    Karmadine, who has a soul for art--both ladies of the regiment. Colonel
+    Bulkwise, a small and despondent man whose hair is "part-worn" gazes
+    morosely into the fire_.
+
+_Mrs. Bulkwise_ (_waving a tea cup_). As surely as woman is asserting
+her right to a place in medicine, in law, and in the council, so surely
+will she take her proper place in the control of the army.
+
+_Mrs. Lyttleton-Cartwright._ What a lovely costume one could compose out
+of the uniform. I've often tried Jack's tunic on.
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_severely_). The mere brutal work of fighting, the butchery
+of the trade, would still have to be left to the men; but such matters
+as require higher intelligence, keener wit, tact, perseverance, should
+be, and some day _shall_ be, in our hands.
+
+_Mrs. Karmadine._ And the beauty and grace of life, Mrs. Bulkwise.
+Surely we women, if allowed, could in peace bring culture to the
+barrack-room, and garland the sword with bay wreaths?
+
+_Mrs. B._ Take the War Office. I am told that the ranks of the regiments
+are depleted of combatant officers in order that they may sit in offices
+in Pall Mall, and do clerical work indifferently. Now, I hold that our
+sex could do this work better, more cheaply, and with greater dispatch.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ "Pall-Mall" would be such an excellent address.
+
+_Mrs. B._ The young men, both officers and civilians, who are employed
+waste, so I understand, the time of the public by going out to lunch at
+clubs and frequently pause in their work to smoke cigars and discuss the
+odds. Now a glass of milk, or some claret and lemonade, a slice of
+seed-cake, or some tartlets, brought by a maid from the nearest A. B. C.
+shop would satisfy all our mid-day wants.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ And I never knew a woman who couldn't work and talk bonnets
+at the same time.
+
+_Mrs. C._ Just a few palms--don't you think, Mrs. Bulkwise?--in those
+dreary, _dreary_ rooms, and some oriental rugs on the floors, and a
+little bunch of flowers on each desk would make life so much easier to
+live.
+
+    [_Colonel Bulkwise murmurs something unintelligible_.
+
+_Mrs. B._ What do you say, George?
+
+_Colonel B. (with sudden fierceness)._ I said, that there are too many
+old women, as it is, in the War Office.
+
+_Mrs. B._ George!
+
+    [_The colonel relapses again into morose silence._
+
+_Mrs. B._ The Intelligence Department should, of course, be in our
+hands.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ I should just love to run about all the time, finding out
+other people's secrets.
+
+_Mrs. B._ And the Clothing Department calls for a woman's knowledge. The
+hideous snuff-coloured garments must be retained for warfare, but with
+the new costume for walking out and ceremonial I think something might
+be done.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ The woman who makes my frocks is as clever as she can be,
+and always has her head full of ideas for those sort of things.
+
+_Mrs. C._ Michel Angelo did not disdain to design the uniform of the
+Swiss Guard. Perhaps Gilbert, or Ford, or Brock might follow in the
+giant's footsteps.
+
+_Col. B._ You ladies always design such sensible clothes for yourselves,
+do you not?
+
+    [_He is frozen into silence again._
+
+_Mrs. B._ And the education of young officers. From a cursory glance
+through my husband's books on law, topography and administration, I
+should say that there are no military subjects that the average woman
+could not master in a fortnight. Strategy, of course, comes to us by
+intuition. The companionship and influence of really good women on
+youths and young men cannot be over-rated, and the professors both at
+the Staff College and at the Military Academy should be of our sex.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ I always love the boys; but I think some of the staff
+college men are awfully stuck up.
+
+_Mrs. B._ Now as to the regiment. The mess, of course, should be in our
+province.
+
+_Mrs. L.-C._ How ripping. The guest-nights would be lovely dinner
+parties, the ante-room we'd use for tea, and the band should always play
+from 5 to 6. We'd have afternoon dances every Thursday, and turn the men
+out once a week and have a dinner all to ourselves to talk scandal.
+
+    [_The colonel groans._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "REGIMENTAL ORDERS"!
+
+_Volunteer Captain._ "Ah, Sergeant Jones--didn't I send you an order to
+be at headquarters on Monday, at nine o'clock, with a corporal and six
+men for duty?"
+
+_Sergeant._ "Yes, sir. But I think if there was a little more 'request',
+and a little less 'order', it would be (_a-hem_)--better!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BOBS"
+
+An Indian idol--as worshipped by Mr. Thomas Atkins.
+
+(_The property of the British nation._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BOBS" AS A BOBBIE
+
+     ["CORONATION CLAIMS.--There being no succession to certain offices,
+     the appointment thereto rests with His Majesty, and the following
+     are regarded as probable candidates:--Lord High Constable--The Earl
+     Roberts," &c.--_Vide Daily Mail_, Nov. 19, 1901.]
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SORROWS OF A SUBALTERN
+
+"Curious way that boy has of salutin'. Don't believe it's correct!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOG!--_(A romance of real life.)_
+
+_The Gallant Major._ "I beg a thousand pardons for the apparent liberty
+I take as an entire stranger, but may I make so bold as to ask you, is
+not this one of that wonderful breed of black or Chinese pugs?"
+
+_The Pretty Lady (most condescendingly)._ "Yes, you are perfectly right,
+and if I am not mistaken, you are Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth
+Hussars."
+
+     [_From that moment they became fast friends, and within the next
+     three months there appeared in the "Morning Post," 'A marriage has
+     been arranged between Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars,
+     and Mrs. Bellairs,' &c., &c._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ONE OF OUR CONQUERORS."
+
+_Imperial Yeoman._ "Much obliged if you would pick up my sword for me."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TOMMY'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON AS IT WILL BE
+
+     ["It has been decreed in several line battalions that in future no
+     soldier will be allowed to walk arm-in-arm in the street with a
+     female."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh! I say! 'E 'as got eyes after all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor._ "Don't feel well, eh? Appetite all right?"
+
+_Tommie._ "Eat like a wolf, sir."
+
+_Doctor._ "Sleep well?"
+
+_Tommie._ "As sound as a dog, sir."
+
+_Doctor._ "Oh, you'd better see the vet.!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JOKE THAT FAILED
+
+_Lubber._ "I say, Jack, do you know why they've painted the ships grey
+in time of _peace_?"
+
+_Jack._ "I s'pose 'cos it's a _neutral_ tint!"
+
+    [_But the other didn't laugh. He intended making that witticism
+    himself._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S.----
+
+"I say, why am I like the Queen's chief cook? Do you give it up?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Because I am in a high cool-and-airy (_culinary_) position."
+
+    [_Astonished cadet nearly falls from the yard_.
+
+You young monkey, how dare you joke up in the air like that? However, we
+look over it this time.--_Punch_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: An economical mode of putting troops into white
+trowsers.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGULATIONS FOR YEOMANRY OUTPOSTS
+
+(_Aldershot Edition_)
+
+1. Never recognise your enemy when you meet him on the road, in case you
+might be compelled to take him prisoner and so cause unpleasantness and
+unseemly disturbance.
+
+2. Advanced guards should walk quietly and without ostentation into the
+enemy's main body, and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, or
+buildings for an unobtrusive cyclist patrol. To do so might cause the
+enemy annoyance.
+
+3. An advance guard, if surrounded, will surrender without noise or
+alarm. To make any would disturb the main body, who like to march in a
+compact and regular formation.
+
+4. Never allow your common-sense to overcome your natural modesty so far
+as to induce you to report to a superior officer the presence of the
+enemy in force. You will only acquire a reputation for officiousness by
+doing so.
+
+5. Always attack an enemy in front. It is unsportsmanlike and
+unprofessional to attack the flanks.
+
+6. When retiring before an attack maintain as close a formation as the
+ground will admit of, and retire directly upon the main infantry
+support. You will thus expose yourselves to the fire of both your own
+friends and the enemy, and as blank cartridge hurts nobody it will add
+to the excitement of the operation.
+
+7. It is more important to roll your cloaks and burnish your bits than
+to worry about unimportant details of minor tactics.
+
+8. Since a solitary horseman never attracts the enemy's attention, be
+careful to take up a position in compact formation; to do so by files
+might escape observation.
+
+9. When being charged by the enemy, go fours about and gallop for all
+you are worth; it is just as agreeable to be prodded in the back as in
+the chest, and gives the enemy more satisfaction. To extend, or work to
+the flanks, might deprive your enemy of useful experience.
+
+10. Never cast your eyes to the direction from which the enemy is not
+expected, as that is the usual direction of his real attack, and it is
+not polite to spoil the arrangement of your friend the enemy.
+
+11. Lastly, remember that the best motto for Yeomanry Troopers is "Point
+de Zele."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR RIFLE VOLUNTEERS
+
+_A Peace Song_ (1859)
+
+(_Composed and volunteered by Mr. Punch_)
+
+    Some talk of an invasion
+      As a thing whereat to sneeze,
+    And say we have no occasion
+      To guard our shores and seas:
+    Now, _Punch_ is no alarmist,
+      Nor is moved by idle fears,
+    But he sees no harm that we all should arm
+      As Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    Let sudden foes assail us,
+      'Tis well we be prepared;
+    Our Fleet--who knows?--may fail us,
+      Nor serve our shores to guard.
+    For self-defence, then, purely,
+      Good reason there appears,
+    To have, on land, a force at hand
+      Of Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    To show no wish for fighting,
+      Our forces we'd increase;
+    But 'tis our foes by frighting
+      We best may keep at peace,
+    For who will dare molest us
+      When, to buzz about their ears,
+    All along our coast there swarms a host
+      Of Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    Abroad ill winds are blowing,
+      Abroad war's vermin swarm;
+    What _may_ hap there's no knowing,
+      We may not 'scape the storm.
+    Athirst for blood, the Eagles
+      May draw our dove's nest near;
+    But we'll scare away all birds of prey
+      With our Rifle Volunteers!
+
+    No menace we're intending,
+      Offence to none we mean,
+    We arm but for defending
+      Our country and our Queen!
+    To British hearts 'tis loyalty
+      'Tis love her name endears:
+    Up! then, and form! shield her from harm
+      Ye Rifle Volunteers!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The above is _not_ a war picture. It merely represents an
+incident in the too realistic scouting manoeuvres of the Blankshire
+Yeomanry. Poor Mr. and Mrs. Timmins thought at least the country had
+been invaded.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _De Voeux._ "My grandfather, you know, lived till he
+was ninety-eight."
+
+_Trevor Carthew._ "Well, my grandmother died at the age of
+ninety-seven."
+
+_Brown._ "In _my_ family there are several who are not dead yet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIGNITY IN DISTRESS.
+
+_Small Boys_ (_to Volunteer Major in temporary command_). "I say,
+guv'nor--hi! Just wipe the blood off that 'ere sword!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FORE AND----
+
+_Sergeant._ "Back a little, number five!"]
+
+[Illustration:----AFT!
+
+_Sergeant._ "Up a little, number five!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR RESERVES!
+
+_Aide-de-Camp (at the review)._ "What are you doing here, sir? Where's
+your regiment?"
+
+_Party on the Grass._ "Shure I don' know. Bu-r I don't rec'nise your
+'thority, gov'nour!"
+
+_Aide-de-Camp (furious)._ "What the deuce d'you mean, sir? You're a
+Volunteer, aren't you?"
+
+_Party on the Grass._ "_(Hic!)_ Norabirofit!--Was jus' now--bu-r I've
+reshigned 'n cons'quence--temp'ry indishposition!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SUMMING UP."
+
+_Captain._ "What's the charge, sergeant?"
+
+_Sergeant._ "This time it's drunkenness, sir. But this man is the most
+troublesome fellow in the regiment, sir. He goes out when he likes, and
+comes in when he likes, and gets drunk when he likes--in fact, he might
+be a horficer!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHAT A LA MODE.
+
+_Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the stats of the Navy
+in a first-class compartment._
+
+_Brown._ My dear fellows, I can assure you we are in a terrible
+condition of unpreparedness. If France was to declare war to-morrow we
+should be nowhere--absolutely nowhere!
+
+_Jones._ You mean, of course, with Russia.
+
+_Robinson._ Or was it Italy?
+
+_Brown._ It doesn't matter which. I fancy that France alone could tackle
+us. Why, a man was telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was
+seized--as it might be--we should not get a ship-load of wood for
+months--yes, for months!
+
+_Jones._ But what has Gibraltar to do with it?
+
+_Robinson._ Why, of course, it guards our approaches to the Suez Canal.
+
+_Brown._ Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But what we want is a
+hundred millions to be spent at once. Cobden said so, and I agree with
+Cobden.
+
+_Jones._ But upon what?
+
+_Robinson._ Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and subsidising the Ameer.
+
+_Brown._ I don't think that sort of thing is of much importance. But if
+we had a hundred millions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase
+our coaling stations, and build new ships, and double the navy, and do
+all sorts of things.
+
+_Jones._ But I thought we were fairly well off for coaling stations, had
+lots of ships on the stocks, and, with the assistance of our merchant
+marine, an ample supply of good sailors.
+
+_Robinson._ That's what all you fellows say! But wait till we have a
+war, then you will see the fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should
+buy the entire fleet of the world. There should be no other competitor.
+Britannia should _really_ rule the waves.
+
+_Brown._ Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important
+matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on
+anything and everything. And it's no use having further discussion
+because that was Cobden's view of it, and so it is mine.
+
+_Jones._ Where is it to come from--out of the rates?
+
+_Brown and Robinson_ (_together_). Certainly not.
+
+_Jones._ Or the taxes?
+
+_Brown and Robinson_ (_as before_). Don't be absurd.
+
+_Jones._ Well, it must come from somewhere! Can you tell me where?
+
+_Robinson._ Why should we?
+
+_Brown._ Yes, why should we? Even Cobden didn't go so far as that,
+and----But, here we are at the station.
+
+    [_Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation._
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EASTER MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Extract from Private Letter.--April 1._
+
+"I'm afraid Milly and I have put our respective feet in it this time. We
+thought we would test our capacities at hospital work, and attach
+ourselves to pa's regiment--of course, without telling pa--and were
+getting along quite nicely with a soldier who wasn't very well, when we
+met pa and the General and his regiment. They took away the patient, and
+judging from pa's looks, there's a warm time coming."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS
+
+The new helmet as ordinarily   | The same, as worn on
+worn.                          | motor duty.
+
+_Directions:_--Simply unhook the lower portion of the helmet; thereby
+extending the collapsible weather-and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as
+a disguise.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FLAG WAGGING
+
+_Sergeant of Signallers._ "What ai's Murphy to-day? He don't seem able
+to take in a thing!"
+
+_Private Mulvaney._ "Shall I signal to 'im, 'Will ye 'ave a drink?'?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TU QUOQUE.
+
+_Army Candidate._ "And I only muffed one thing in the geography paper.
+Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Macassar were!"
+
+_Fond Father._ "Oh, I say, you ought to have known that. Fancy--the
+Straits of Macassar!"
+
+_Army Candidate._ "Well, I didn't, anyhow. By the way, where are they,
+dad?"
+
+_Fond Father._ "Oh--where are they? Oh--er--they're--well, they're----
+but don't you think we'd better go to lunch?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A HORSE-MARINE
+
+_Club Wag._ "Well, good-night, Admiral."
+
+_Warrior._ "There's a stupid joke. Admiral! Can't you see my spurs?"
+
+_Wag._ "Oh, I thought they were your twin screws."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sentry_ (_on the simultaneous approach of two persons_).
+"Who goes there?--two ways at once!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY DIALOGUES
+
+II
+
+ARMY REFORM
+
+     SCENE.--_The canteen of the Rutlandshire Regiment, at Downboro', an
+     airy, plastered hall with high windows. A bar at one end is backed
+     by a rampart of beer barrels. A double line of barrack tables and
+     benches runs down the room. The hour is 5 p.m. At one of the tables
+     sits Mr. W. Wilson, late Private in the regiment, in all his glory
+     of a new check suit with an aggressive pattern, a crimson tie, a
+     horseshoe pin, an aluminium watch-chain, a grey "bowler" and a
+     buttonhole of violets. Privates W. and G. Smith, P. Brady, E. Dudd
+     and other men of H. company are at the table, or standing near it._
+
+_Mr. Wilson (passing round a great tin measure containing beer, after
+taking a preliminary pull himself)._ Of course I do 'ear more, being in
+the smoke, than you 'ear down in this provincial 'ole; and there's
+generals and statesmen and such-like comes and stays at our place, and
+when they gets tied up in a knot over any military question, as often as
+not they says, "Let's ask Wilson, the under-gardener. 'E's a
+hex-military man; 'e's a 'ighly intellergent feller"; and I generally
+gets them out of their difficulty.
+
+_Pte. W. Smith._ D'ye know anything about this army reform?
+
+_Mr. Wilson (with lofty scorn)._ Do I know anything about it?
+
+_Pte. G. Smith._ D'ye think they're going to make a good job of it?
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ Naaw. And why? Becos they're goin' the wrong wai to work.
+They're arskin the opinion of perfeshernal hexperts and other sich
+ignoramuses, and ain't goin' to the fountain 'ead. Oo's the backbone of
+the English service?
+
+_Pte. P. Brady._ The Oirish private.
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ Right you are, my 'Ibernian--always subsitooting British
+for Hirish--and the British compiny is the finest horganisation in the
+world. Give the private a free 'and and a rise of pay, and make the
+compiny the model of the army, and then yer can put all the hexperts
+and all the Ryle Commissions and their reports to bed.
+
+_Pte. Dudd._ As how?
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ As 'ow, yer old thick head? It's as plain as a pike-staff.
+Taike this question of responsibility. When some one comes a bloomer,
+and the paipers all rise 'ell, the civilian toff, 'oos a sort of a
+commander-in-chief in a Sunday coat and a chimney-pot 'at, 'e says, "It
+ain't me. Arsk the real commander-in-chief," and the feeld-marshal 'e
+says, "Arsk the hadjutant-general," and the hadjutant-general, 'e says,
+"Arsk the hordnance bloke." Now in the compiny there ain't none of that.
+If the colonel goin' round at kit inspection finds the beds badly made
+up, or jags and sight-protectors deficient, or 'oles in the men's socks,
+'e goes fierce for the captin' and threatens to stop 'is leave; and the
+captin' don't say, "Oh, it's the hadjutant, or the quarter-master, or
+the chaplain what's to blame," no, 'e gives the subalterns and the
+coloured-sergeant beans, and they slip it in to the sergeants and
+corprils in charge of squads, and the beds is set up straight, and the
+men put down for jags and sight-protectors, and the 'oles in the socks
+is mended.
+
+_Pte. W. Smith._ That's so, old pal. What else would you recermend?
+
+_Mr. Wilson_ (_reaching out for the measure)._ Thank yer. This 'ere
+army-reforming's a dry job. Now as to the metherd of attack. When the
+regiment goes out field-firing the henemy's a line of hearthenware pots,
+touched up on the sly by the markers with a dash of white; the captains
+count the telergraph posts up the range and give the exact distance; and
+the men goes 'opping along in line like crows on a ploughed field, the
+sergeantes a-naggin' 'em about the 'Ithe position and the coprils
+calling them back to pick up empty cartridge cases. Is that the wai,
+that you, George Smith, and you, Bill, and you, Pat, used ter creep up
+to the rabbit warrens when we used ter go out in the herly morning to
+assist the farmers to keep down the ground gime--poaching the colonel
+called it? No, we hexecuted wide turning movements and never showed no
+more than the tip of a nose. Let drill of attack alone, I say, and
+develop the sporting hinstinct of the private.
+
+_Omnes._ 'Ear, 'ear.
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ And this matter of mobility. Why, if you or me or any of
+us was on furlough at 'Ampstead or Margit, we was never off a 'orse's or
+a moke's back as long as the dibs lasted. Give us the brass, and we'll
+find the mobility.
+
+_Pte. W. Smith._ Why don't yer write to the Prime Minister, and give him
+your ideas?
+
+_Mr. Wilson._ I shall. A few hintelligent ex-privates in the Cabinet, a
+rise of pay for privates and two days' rabitting, and a trip to Margit
+every week would sive the British Army.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAMPS
+
+    ["In spite of the demand for recruits, the number of tramps remain,
+    undiminished."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+    Why does not patriotic fire
+    My all too torpid heart inspire
+    With irresistible desire
+      To seek the tented camp, sir,
+    Where Glory, with her bronze V.C.,
+    Waits for the brave, perhaps for me?
+    Because I much prefer to be
+      A lazy, idle tramp, sir.
+
+    I toil not, neither do I spin.
+    For me, the laggard days begin
+    Hours after all my kith and kin
+      Are weary with their labours;
+    The heat and burden of the day
+    They bear, poor fools, as best they may,
+    While I serenely smoke my clay
+     And pity my poor neighbours.
+
+    When Afric burns the trooper brown,
+    By leafy lanes I loiter down
+    Through Haslemere to Dorking town,
+      Each Surrey nook exploring;
+    Or 'neath a Berkshire hay-rick I
+    At listless length do love to lie,
+    And watch the river stealing by
+      Between the hills of Goring.
+
+    Why should I change these dear delights
+    For toilsome days and sleepless nights,
+    And red Bellona's bloody rites
+      That bear the devil's stamp, sir?
+    Let others hear the people cry
+    "A hero he!"--I care not, I,
+    So I may only live and die,
+      A lazy, idle tramp, sir.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.
+
+"Well, my dear Admiral, and how did you sleep?"
+
+"Not at all, General. Confounded butterfly flew in at the window, and
+was flopping around all night--couldn't get a wink of sleep."
+
+"Ah, dashed dangerous things, butterflies!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL" (1875)
+
+_First Driver (after a long day)._ "The 'orse 'rtillery's a-getting
+quite aristercratic. It don't dine till eight o'clock!!"
+
+_Second Driver._ "Stroikes me to-morrow the 'orse 'rtillery'll be too
+aristercratic to dine at all!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ENEMY.
+
+_Horrid Boy to newly-appointed Volunteer Major, (who finds the military
+seat very awkward_). "Sit further back, General! You'll make his 'ead
+ache!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AUTUMN MANOEUVRES.
+
+No, this is not heroism; this is simply discretion. Little Plumpleigh
+has just given "Charge!" and taken one look behind to see if his men are
+"backing him up, don't you know," and he is now making for safety!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _War-office Genius._ "Now _this_ is another of my
+brilliant ideas, the shelter trench exercise. Of course, I _know_ the
+trench is the wrong way about, and that, when they have finished it,
+they have to fire into the wood they are defending, and then turn about
+and charge away from the wood, but, THEN! _we_ get a capital bank and
+ditch made round our plantations, with practically _no_ expense!"
+
+_Mr. Punch._ "And this is what you call instructing the Volunteers?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Bluejacket._ "Well, matey, wot 'appened?"
+
+_Second Bluejacket._ "Lieutenant, '_e_ reports as 'ow I were dirty, an'
+my 'ammick weren't clean, an' captin, '_e_ ses, 'Wash 'is bloomin' neck,
+scrub 'is bloomin' face, an' cut 'is bloomin' 'air, every ten
+minnits!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Volunteer Captain (acting Major first time)._ "Now then!
+What are you boys staring at? Did you never see a war-horse before?"
+
+_Boys (who had followed expecting a "spill.")_ "Aye--we've whiles seen a
+waur horse, but never a waur rider!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AD VALOREM.
+
+_(Energetic Sub has been pursuing runaway mule)._ "Well done, old chap!
+You deserve the D.S.O. at least. What is it? Ammunition?" "Ammunition!
+D.S.O.!! V.C., you mean!!!! Why, it's bottled beer!!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MONEY "TIGHT."
+
+_British Subaltern._ "By-the-by, Smith, can you lend me that sovereign I
+gave you this morning for a Christmas-box?!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR RESERVES.
+
+_Captain of Rural Corps (calling over the roll)._ "George Hodge!" _(No
+answer.)_ "George Hodge!--Where on earth's George Hodge?"
+
+_Voice from the ranks._ "Please, sir, he's turned dissenter, and says
+fighting's wicked."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BUSY BISLEY
+
+SCENE--_Within measurable distance of Woking. Enter lounger and marksman
+R. and L._
+
+_Lounger (heartily)._ Why, I _am_ glad to see you! And how are things
+going on?
+
+_Marksman (cordially, but abruptly)._ Capitally! Good-bye!
+
+_Loung._ But I say, what a hurry you are in! Can't you stop a minute for
+a chat?
+
+_Marks._ Another time, but just now moments are precious.
+
+_Loung._ But I say, you see I have found myself here--it doesn't take
+much longer than getting down to Wimbledon.
+
+_Marks._ Of course it doesn't--whoever said it did? But there, old chap,
+I _must_ be off!
+
+_Loung._ You are in a hurry! Ah, we used to have pleasant days in the
+old place?
+
+_Marks._ Did we? I daresay we did.
+
+_Loung._ Why, of course! Grand old days! Don't you remember what fun it
+used to be decorating your tent; and then, when the ladies came
+down--which they did nearly all the day long--what larks it was getting
+them tea and claret-cup?
+
+_Marks._ Very likely. But we don't have many ladies now, and a good job,
+too--they _are_ a bore.
+
+_Loung._ Well, you _are_ a chap! Why, how can there be any fun without
+your sisters, and your cousins, and your maiden aunts?
+
+_Marks._ We don't want fun. But there, good-bye!
+
+_Loung._ But I say, I have come all this way to look you up.
+
+_Marks. (unbending)._ Very kind of you, my dear fellow, you have chosen
+rather an unfortunate time.
+
+_Loung._ Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing to do!
+
+_Marks._ Very likely. But then Bisley isn't Wimbledon.
+
+_Loung. (dryly)._ So it seems. Everyone said that when they moved the
+camp further away from home, they would ruin the meeting.
+
+_Marks._ Then everyone was wrong. Why, we are going on swimmingly.
+
+_Loung._ It must be beastly dull.
+
+_Marks._ Not at all. Lovely country, good range, and, after it rains,
+two minutes later it is dry as bone.
+
+_Loung._ Yes, but it stands to reason that it _can't_ be as popular as
+Wimbledon.
+
+_Marks._ My dear fellow, figures are the best test of that. In all the
+history of the Association we never had more entries than this year.
+
+_Loung._ That may be, but you don't have half the fun you had nearer
+town.
+
+_Marks. (laughing)._ Don't want to! Business, my dear fellow, not
+pleasure! And now, old man, I really _must_ be off. Ta! ta! See you
+later.
+
+    [_Exit._
+
+Loung. Well, whatever he may say, I prefer Wimbledon. And as there
+doesn't seem much for _me_ to do down here, I shall return to town.
+
+    [_Does so. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irascible Lieutenant (down engine-room tube)._ "Is there
+a blithering idiot at the end of this tube?"
+
+_Voice from Engine-room._ "Not at this end, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VOLO EPISCOPARI.
+
+_Festive Middy._ "I say, guv'nor! I think you must rather like being
+Bishop here!"
+
+_His Lordship._ "Well, my boy, I hope I do! But why do you ask?"
+
+_Festive Middy._ "Oh, I've just been taking a walk through the
+city,--and I _say_!--there _is_ an uncommonly good-looking lot o' girls
+about, and _no_ mistake!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NASTY ONE.
+
+_Colonel Smithson (of the Poonah Marines)._ "By the way, my boy at
+Sandhurst hopes to get into your regiment some day."
+
+_Little Simpson (of the Royal Hussars Green)._ "Aw--I--aw hope your son
+is up to _our form!_"
+
+_Colonel Smithson._ "_Your form!_ Dash it, he's over four feet high,
+anyhow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAUTION.
+
+_Old Gent (with difficulty)._ "Now really--Oh! this dis--graceful
+crowding--I'm--I'm positive my gun will go off!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHEEK.
+
+_(The regiment is about to "march out" with twenty rounds of "blank
+cartridge.")_
+
+_Sub-Lieutenant (of twenty-four hours' service)._ "Whereabouts is this
+pyrotechnic display of yours coming off, Colonel!!?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT PORTSMOUTH.
+
+_Jack._ "Well, Polly lass, if it's true as 'ow you're going to get
+spliced to Bill, all I 'opes is that he'll stick to you through thick
+and thin!"
+
+_Polly._ "Well, 'e _ought_ to, Jack. 'E works in a glue factory."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Awful bore, dear old chap. War offith won't have me,
+thimply becauth my eyethight ith tho doothed bad!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ARMS OF PRECISION
+
+_Volunteer Subaltern (as the enemy's scout continues to advance in spite
+of expenditure of much "blank" ammunition)._ "If that infernal yeoman
+comes any nearer, shy stones at him, some of you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FORLORN HOPE
+
+_Captain O'Dowd (of the firm of O'Dowd and Jones, stock-jobbers)._
+"What'll I do now? It's beyond me jumpin' powers, an' if I wade I'll be
+wet to the waist." _(To Private Halloran, who in civil life is a
+stockbroker's clerk)._ "Here, Halloran, I want a carry over. You do it
+for me, an' I'll not forget it to you, me lad."
+
+_Private Halloran._ "Sorry I can't, Captain. You know carryin'-over day
+is not till the sixteenth, an' this is only the seventh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LAY OF THE UNION JACK
+
+(_By a patriotic Cockney_)
+
+    Though I feel less at home on the bounding wave
+      Than I do on the firm dry land,
+    I can spin you a yarn of a right good craft
+      That is true-British owned and manned.
+    The winds may blow, and the storms may beat,
+      And the hurricanes rage and roar,
+    But "the ship I love" on her course will hold
+      With the Union Jack at the fore.
+
+    Fair weather or foul, she ploughs along,
+      Leaving far astern the strand,
+    And many a towering sister bark
+      We pass on the starboard hand,
+    And, Westward ho! as we bear away!
+      I can count stout ships galore,
+    Abeam, in our wake, and ahead, that fly
+      The Union Jack at the fore.
+
+    And the sight of the flag that has swept the seas,
+      Nor ever has known disgrace,
+    Makes even a landlubber's bosom swell
+      With the pride of his English race.
+    At that gallant sight in my landsman's heart
+      I rejoice--and rejoice still more
+    That I'm only aboard of a road-car 'bus,
+      With the Union Jack at the fore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "USED TO IT!"--_Officer at firing-point (who thinks that
+it's raining)._ "Sergeant Mauchline, hadn't you better wear your
+greatcoat till it's your turn to fire?" _Sergeant Mauchline (frae the
+"Land of Lorne")._ "Hoo! Nothe noo! I'll pit it on when it comes wat!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DO'S AND DONT'S FOR VOLUNTEERS
+
+1. DON'T go to camp. But if you do,
+
+2. Don't get up when revally sounds. You'll find adjutant's parade
+in the early morning, the very early morning, such a beastly bore,
+and so bad for the liver that it is far wiser to stay in the
+"palliasse"--(besides, hasn't your doctor often told you that it is
+madness to suppose you can play such tricks at your time of life?)--they
+can only give you a few years' imprisonment for repeated mutinous
+conduct, and you could doubtless petition the Home Secretary for an
+aggravation of your sentence.
+
+3. Don't submit to harsh or cursory remarks from the adjutant. Do answer
+him back. You know quite well that in private life you would not put up
+with his hasty, ill-considered and offensive language, nor permit him to
+hector you because your collar was not clean, and if you _have_ come on
+parade without cleaning your belt or rifle, what right has he to say
+that it makes him furious? Do point out to him how absurd it is to
+expect such minute attention to discipline on the part of so
+intelligent a volunteer as yourself.
+
+4. Don't overtax your strength or weaken your heart by "doubling" up
+impossible hills, merely because the colonel (on a horse) thinks it
+looks pretty. Of course you would be perfectly ready to do anything that
+was necessary, but how can the empire's safety depend upon your losing
+your wind, when the enemy are some of your oldest friends, with a
+handkerchief tied round their sleeves?
+
+5. Do insist upon having hot water to shave with, and an extra blanket
+when the nights get chilly. Very probably the captain of your company
+would turn out of his bed and take your palliasse if you asked him
+nicely.
+
+6. Don't do any menial or degrading work, such as cleaning cooking
+utensils or greasing your own boots. The Government ought to know that
+gentlemen can't be expected to do that kind of work, and should provide
+an efficient staff of servants.
+
+7. Don't do anything you would rather not.
+
+8. Do set all military discipline at defiance. You probably know much
+better than your officers.
+
+9. Don't blame me if you find yourself in prison.
+
+10. Do make a stern resolution never to come to camp again.
+
+11. Don't keep it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUTS AT BISLEY
+
+_(Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast)_
+
+The shooting could not be more satisfactory _but_ for the customary
+"accident."
+
+Everyone would make a "bull" _but_ for the haze and the shiftiness of
+the wind.
+
+The catering is in every way excellent, _but_ heavy meals scarcely
+assist in getting on the target.
+
+It is delightful to entertain visitors--especially ladies--at the camp,
+_but_ champagne-cup and provisions generally run into money.
+
+It is healthy to sleep under canvas, _but_ when the thermometer marks
+ninety in the shade or the rain pours down in torrents a bed in an inn
+is preferable.
+
+Bisley is a beautiful place, _but_ Woking cemetery is a dismal
+neighbour.
+
+Distinctly it is nobly patriotic to spend a fortnight with the N. R. A.,
+in the cause of the fatherland, _but_ is it quite worth the trouble?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Swagger Yeomanry Officer._ "Bring out my charger."
+
+_Job-master's Foreman._ "Very sorry, sir, but e's just gorn to a
+funeral!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE ALWAYS WONDERED HIMSELF.
+
+(Scene--_General Inspection of Volunteer Battalion. Lieut.
+Tompkins--excellent fellow, but poor soldier--called out to show the
+General and British public what he knows._)
+
+_General._ "Now, sir, you now have the battalion in quarter
+column facing south. How would you get into line, in the quickest
+possible way, facing north-east?"
+
+_Tompkins (after much fruitless consideration)._ "Well, sir, do you
+know, that's always what I've wondered."
+
+    [_Report on subaltern officers--bad._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Miserable Sub (left at the depot)._ "I can't
+think, for the life of me, what excuse for two days' leave I'm to give
+the C. O. I've already weighed in with every one I can think of."
+
+_Second M. S._ "Easy enough, old chap. Kill your grandmother."
+
+_First M. S._ "Can't, dear boy. I'm keeping her for the Derby!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE WAY WE HAD IN THE ARMY." (1877).
+
+_Colonel (of the pre-examination period--to studious sub)._ "I say,
+youngster, you'll never make a soldier if you don't mind what you're
+about!"
+
+_Sub (mildly)._ "I should be sorry to think that, sir!"
+
+_Colonel._ "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking
+like a Methodist parson in reduced circumstances!--Hold up your head,
+sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the
+windows!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The 'orrid mess master made my kitching in, and hisself
+too, a-cleaning that there dratted rifle, after he'd been a booviackin'
+in the park!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DILEMMA.
+
+_Auxiliary Recruit (to himself)._ "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now?
+'Drill-sarjint tould me always to salute me officer with the far-off
+hand, and here's two iv 'em! Faix, I'll make it straight for meself
+anyhow!"
+
+    [_Throws up both hands._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OFF!"
+
+_Sergeant O'Leary._ "Double! Left! Right! What the blazes, Pat Rooney,
+d'ye mane by not doublin' wid the squad?"
+
+_Pat._ "Shure, sergeant, 'twasn't a fair start"!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LUCUS A NON," &c.
+
+_(Aiming drill.)_
+
+_Musketry Instructor._ "Now, then! How do you 'xpect to see the hobject
+haimed at, if you don't keep your heye closed?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Captain of Skirmishers (rushing in to seize picket sentries of the
+enemy)._ "Hullo! He-ar! You surrender to this company!"
+
+_Opposition Lance-Corporal._ "Beg pardon, sir! It's the other way, sir.
+We're a brigade, sir!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MILITARY ARDOUR.
+
+_Sentry (with mixed ideas of manual and platoon)._ "Gar'd t'n out!"
+
+_Commandant._ "Bless you, sir, what are you about?"
+
+_Sentry._ "Shure, I'm waitin' for the worr'd foire!"
+
+    [Extract from Field Exercise or Red Book, pocket edition, page
+    356:--_Sentries paying compliments:_ "To field officers he will
+    _present_ arms."
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VOLUNTEER TACTICS AT OUR AUTUMN MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Captain Wilkinson (excitedly, to Major Walker, of the firm of
+Wilkinson, Walker, & Co., Auctioneers and Estate Agents)._ "Don't you
+think we'd better bring our right wing round to attack the enemy's
+flank, so as to prevent their occupying those empty houses we have to
+let in Barker's Lane?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A POSER.
+
+_Sergeant-Major._ "Now, Private Smith, you know very well none but
+officers and non-commissioned officers are allowed to walk across this
+grass!"
+
+_Private Smith._ "But, sergeant-major, I've Captain Graham's verbal
+orders to----"
+
+_Sergeant-Major._ "None o' that, sir! Show me the captain's verbal
+orders! Show'm to me, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "FOLLOW MY LEADER!"
+
+Captain Barble (East Suffolkshire R. V.) going to drill, has occasion to
+pass a certain window for reasons best known to himself. A vague idea
+possesses him that something is wrong somehow, or what should create
+such amusement on this occasion!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MILITARY DIALOGUES
+
+III
+
+HOW IT SHOULD NOT BE DONE
+
+    _Interior of a dreary room in the War Office. A tired-looking young
+    officer, in mufti, sits at a table with great piles of papers, each
+    bundle tied with red tape and ticketed with labels of different
+    colours, on one side of it ready to his hand. Another pile of
+    papers, which he has already dealt with, is on the other side of the
+    table. He is an official and has many letters, the first two being
+    D. A. after his name. The gas has just been lighted. A clerk brings
+    in another fat bundle of papers._
+
+_The Officer (patting the smaller pile on the table)._ These can go on,
+Smithers. That question of sardine-openers must go back to the
+commissariat, and the General commanding the Central District must be
+authorised to deal on his own responsibility with the matter of the
+fierce bull in the field where the recruits bathe. What have you got
+there?
+
+_The Clerk._ It is the correspondence, sir, relative to that false tooth
+requisitioned for by the officer commanding the Rutlandshire Regiment
+for the first cornet of the band. The Medical Department sent it back to
+us this morning, and there is another letter in from the Colonel,
+protesting against his regiment being forced to go route marching to an
+imperfect musical accompaniment.
+
+_The Officer (groaning)._ I thought we had got rid of that matter at
+last by sending it to the doctors.
+
+_The Clerk._ No, sir. The Surgeon-General has decided that "one tooth,
+false, with gold attachment," cannot be considered a medical comfort.
+
+_The Officer (taking a precis from the top of the papers)._ I suppose we
+must go into the matter again. It began with the letter from the Colonel
+to the General?
+
+_The Clerk._ Yes, sir, here it is. The O. C. the Rutland Regiment has
+the honour to report that the first cornet player in the band has lost
+a tooth, and as the band has become inefficient in the playing of
+marching music in consequence, he requests that a false tooth may be
+supplied at Government expense.
+
+_The Officer._ And the General, of course, replied in the usual formula
+that he had no fund available for such purpose.
+
+_The Clerk._ Yes, sir; but suggested that the regimental band fund might
+be drawn on.
+
+_The Officer._ Where is the Colonel's letter in reply. (It is handed to
+him.) Ah, yes. Band fund is established, he writes, for purchase of
+musical instruments and music, and not for repair of incomplete
+bandsmen, and refuses to authorise expense, except under order from the
+Commander-in-Chief.
+
+_The Clerk._ The General sends this on to us with a remark as to the
+Colonel's temper.
+
+_The Officer._ And we pass it to the Quarter-Master-General's people,
+suggesting that under certain circumstances a false tooth might be
+considered a "necessary," and a free issue made.
+
+_The Clerk._ A very long memo, on the subject, in reply, from the
+Q.-M.-G., sir. He points out that though, under exceptional
+circumstances, a pair of spectacles might be held to be a
+sight-protector, a false tooth could not be held to be either a fork, a
+spoon, a shaving-brush, a razor, or even an oil bottle.
+
+_The Officer._ We wrote back suggesting that it might pass as a
+"jag"--our little joke.
+
+_The Clerk._ _Your_ little joke, sir. The Q.-M.-G.'s people didn't see
+it.
+
+_The Officer._ No? Then the correspondence goes on to the Ordnance
+Department, with a suggestion that a false tooth might be considered an
+arm or an accoutrement.
+
+_The Clerk._ The Director-General replies, sir, that in the early days
+of the British Army, when the Army Clothing Department's sole issue was
+a supply of woad, a tooth, or indeed a nail, might have reasonably been
+indented for as a weapon, but that, owing to the introduction and
+perfection of fire-arms, such weapons are now obsolete and cannot be
+issued.
+
+_The Officer._ And now the Medical Service refuse to help us.
+
+_The Clerk._ Yes, sir. They cannot bring the fixing of it under the
+head of surgical operations, and the Surgeon-General points out very
+justly, if I may be permitted to say so, sir, that a seal-pattern false
+tooth could hardly be considered a "medical comfort."
+
+_The Officer._ What are we to do? The Colonel of the regiment is
+evidently furious.
+
+_The Clerk._ We might send the correspondence to the Inspector of Iron
+Structures. He may be able to do or suggest something.
+
+_The Officer._ Very well; and will you send off this telegram to my wife
+saying I have a long evening's work before me, and that I shall not be
+able to get back to dinner to-night? (_Exit the Clerk._) Whenever will
+they trust a General Commanding a District to spend for the public good
+on his own responsibility a sum as large as a schoolboy's allowance, and
+so take some of the unnecessary work off our shoulders?
+
+    [_He tackles wearily another file of papers._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNDER COVER.
+
+"So glad to see you, Mrs. Bamsby! And how is your dear husband? Where
+_is_ the Colonel? I was only saying the other day, 'I wonder when I
+shall see Colonel Bamsby!'"
+
+_Mrs. Colonel B._ "You'll see him _now_, my dear if I just step aside,
+or you walk round me."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EASTER MANOEUVRES.
+
+_Adjutant._ "Your orders are that when you are attacked, Captain
+Slasher, you are to fall back slowly."
+
+_Capt. Slasher._ "In which direction am I to retire, sir?"
+
+_Adjutant._ "Well, the proper way, of course, would be over that hill,
+but--_they intend to have lunch behind that farmhouse in the valley._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SYNONYMOUS."
+
+_Instructor._ "Now, I've explained the different 'sights,' you, Private
+Dumpy, tell me what a fine 'sight' is. Describe it as well as you
+can----"
+
+_Private Dumpy._ "A fine sight, sir? A fine sight--(_pondering_)--'s a
+magnificen' spe'tacle, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VOLUNTEER MANOEUVRES
+
+_Sergeant._ "Can I do anything for you, captain?"
+
+_Captain._ "Why, thanky, sergeant. If you wouldn't mind giving my other
+leg a hitch over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MULTUM IN PARVO
+
+_Inspecting Officer._ "How is it your khaki is so much too small?"
+
+_Stout Yeoman._ "It do seem a bit skimpy, sur. But tailor says as how
+I'm bound to grow a 'eap smaller on hactive service, an' 'e's allowin'
+for shrinkage."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSTRUCTIONS TO NAUTICAL MEN IN THE NOBLE ART OF QUADRILLE DANCING
+
+LE PANTALON.--Haul upon the starboard tack and let the other craft
+pass--then bear up and get your head on the other tack--regain your
+berth on the port tack--back and fill with your partner and boxhaul
+her--wear round twice against the sun in company with the opposite
+craft, then your own--afterwards boxhaul her again and bring her up.
+
+L'ETE.--Shoot ahead about two fathoms till you nearly come stem on with
+the other craft under weigh--then make a stern board to your berth and
+side out for a bend, first to starboard, then to port--make sail and
+pass the opposite craft--then get your head round on the other
+tack--another side to starboard and port--then make sail to regain your
+berth--wear round, back and fill and boxhaul your partner.
+
+LA POULE.--Heave ahead and pass your adversary yard-arm to
+yard-arm--regain your berth on the other tack in the same order--take
+your station in a line with your partner--back and fill--fall on your
+heel and bring up with your partner--she then manoeuvres ahead and
+heaves all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and pays off
+alongside--you then make sail in company, till nearly stem on with the
+other line--make a stern board and cast her off to shift for
+herself--regain your berth in the best means possible, and let go your
+anchor.
+
+LA TRENISE.--Wear round as before against the sun twice, boxhaul the
+lady, and range up alongside her, and make sail in company--when
+half-way across to the other shore drop astern with the tide--shoot
+ahead again and cast off the tow--now back and fix as before and boxhaul
+her and yourself into your berth, and bring up.
+
+LA PASTORALE.--Shoot ahead alongside your partner, then make a stern
+board--again make all sail over to the other coast--let go the hawser,
+and pay off into your own berth and take a turn--the three craft
+opposite range up abreast towards you twice, and back astern again--now
+manoeuvre any rig you like, only under easy sail, as it is always
+"light winds" (zephyrs) in this passage--as soon as you see their helms
+down, haul round in company with them on port tack--then make all sail
+with your partner into your own berth, and bring up.
+
+LA FINALE.--Wear round to starboard, passing under your partner's
+bows--sight the catheads of craft on your starboard bow--then make sail
+into your own berth--your partner passing athwart your bows--now proceed
+according to the second order of sailing--to complete the evolutions
+shoot ahead and back astern twice, in company with the whole squadron,
+in the circular order of sailing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT THE "BRITISH GRENADIER" IS INEVITABLY COMING TO
+
+    Some talk of Alexander, and some of Pericles,
+    Of Hector and Lysander, and such old guys as these;
+    But of all the horrid objects, the "wust" I do declare,
+    Is the Prusso-Russo-Belgo-Gallo-British Grenadier.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE RESERVE FORCES."
+
+_Militia Officer._ "Augh!--a new man. Ah--'ve you been in 'service
+before?"
+
+_Recruit._ "Yes, sir."
+
+_Officer._ "Augh--what regiment?"
+
+_Recruit._ "Mrs. Wiggins's coachman, sir!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+THE END
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch on the Warpath, by Various
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