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diff --git a/38040-8.txt b/38040-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a6e38f --- /dev/null +++ b/38040-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1511 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, +Jan 27, 1872, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Jan 27, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 17, 2011 [EBook #38040] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 62. +JANUARY 27, 1872. + + + + +[Illustration: THE LIQUOR CONTROVERSY. + +'_Spectable Citizen_. "ISH MY OPI'ION THISH P'MISSIVE BILL 'SH +VEXASH'IOUS MEASURE. (_Hic!_) WHY SHOULD I BE D'PRIVED OF NESH-SH-ARY +R'FRESHMENT, 'CAUSE ANOTHER PARTY HASN'T--CAN'T--DOESN'T--KNOW WHEN +HE'SH HAD ENOUGH? SHTAN' UP, OL' MAN!!!"] + + * * * * * + + A JINGLE FOR ST. JAMES'S. + + (_By a Musical Enthusiast._) + + THE Monday Pops! The Monday Pops! + Whoe'er admires what some call "Ops;" + Should go, and lick his mental chops, + While feasting at the Monday Pops. + + The Monday Pops! The Monday Pops! + To me their music far o'er-tops, + The jingling polkas and galóps, + On cracked pianos played at hops. + + Nor almond rock, nor lemon-drops, + Nor sugar-plums, nor lollipops, + With which small children cram their crops, + Are sweeter than the Monday Pops. + + The Monday Pops! The Monday Pops! + Delight of fogies and of fops! + The music that all other wops, + Is given at the Monday Pops. + + Their fame all rivals far o'er-tops: + You see their programmes at the shops; + And here the bard exhausted stops, + His rhymings on the Monday Pops. + + * * * * * + + TRUE BILL? + +MUCH ingenuity has been expended in trying to prove that SHAKSPEARE was +a lawyer, and, amongst other passages in his writings, the two first +lines of the Sonnet which commences-- + + "When to the sessions of sweet silent thought + I summon up remembrance of things past," + +may be thought to indicate that he possessed legal acquirements. Has it, +however, occurred to the editors and commentators, that these lines are +capable of another interpretation, and may be considered to add a new +item to our scanty knowledge of SHAKSPEARE'S personal history, if we +take the more probable view, that when he penned them he had in his +mind's eye those familiar Tribunals--the Quarter Sessions--to which, it +may be whilst residing in the Metropolis, but most undoubtedly after his +retirement to Stratford, he would be summoned in the capacity of Grand +Juryman? + + * * * * * + + SOUP AND SERMON. + +THE _Morning Post_ records an interesting case of-- + + "SUPPER TO CONVICTED FELONS.--On Tuesday evening a supper was + given to one hundred and fifty convicted felons by NED WRIGHT, + the well-known converted burglar, at the Mission Hall, Hales + Street, High Street, Deptford. The candidates for tickets of + admission were compelled to attend the night before the supper + and give an account of themselves to prove that they really were + convicted felons, and by the sharp and close questioning of MR. + WRIGHT, about fifty were refused tickets as impostors." + +The fifty impostors who were fain to palm themselves off as convicts for +the sake of a supper, must have been poor knaves indeed. These +supernumeraries, for whom there was no seat at the table of Society, +constitute a spectacle on the stage of life which it may be painful to +some people and pleasant to others to contemplate from the dress circle. +It is too probable that this Capital contains very many more of these +Esaus, as they might be called if they had anything of a character so +valuable as a birthright to dispose of on ESAU'S terms, with the small +extras undermentioned:-- + + "The recipients of this Charity were a very motley crew, and + ranged in years from six up to fifty. They were each served with + a quantity of soup and a bag containing bread and a bun, after + which MR. WRIGHT addressed them in his own peculiar manner, + being listened to with marked attention." + +MR. WRIGHT, we may suppose, took care to preach in a "tongue +understanded of the people" who constituted his hearers, and accordingly +delivered a considerable portion of his discourse in the language which +our great-grandfathers called thieves' Latin. A sermon in slang, +however, would, perhaps, be more curious than edifying. Let us hope that +MR. WRIGHT'S may possibly have had the effect of converting the guests +who would once have been his pals from the error of their ways, formerly +his own. Such, at least, appears to have been his laudable intention:-- + + "A large number of ladies and gentlemen interested in such work + attended and gave the benefit of their advice and co-operation. + In the course of the evening MR. WRIGHT announced his intention + of taking under his patronage a number of the boys then present, + who might be desirous of earning an honest livelihood, and + furnishing them with money and clothes to make a fair start in + life." + +It would rejoice both ourselves and our benevolent readers to know that +the acceptance of this offer by a considerable number of MR. WRIGHT'S +young friends may be the commencement of a career of good living, +wherein they will very soon attain to better fare than a quantity of +soup, a bag of bread, and a bun, quite good enough as that is for +convicted felons, besides being peculiarly suitable as precluding any +necessity for knives and forks chained to the table. + + * * * * * + + =Lawyers and Lunatics.= + +HOW hardly will Judges, for the most part, admit the plea of insanity in +exculpation from a charge of murder! How readily are they wont to +entertain it as a reason for setting aside a will! How right they are in +either instance! Suppose a maniac is hanged as a man of sound mind, his +execution serves just as well, for the purpose of example, as it would +if he were. But my Luds would make a mistake on the wrong side by +misdirecting Jurors to determine insanity to have been sanity in a case +wherein a lunatic might possibly have misdisposed of property. + + * * * * * + + =Serious Affair.= + +A MOST determined act of self-inflicted torture has recently +caused a considerable sensation in a fashionable quarter of Town. +A lady, young, lovely, and accomplished, with troops of friends, +and all that makes life enjoyable at her command, was detected +deliberately "screwing up" her face! + + * * * * * + + EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF THE COMING WOMAN. + +[Illustration: T]O the Temple of Untrammelled Thought. + +_Sunday, May 10, 1882._ Heard a transcendent oration from Althea Duxmore +on "Dogmas and Dogmatics." Bi-monthly levy for the expenses of the +Temple. Stephanotis Hewleigh and I the eleemosynars who collected in the +new Septentrional Vestibule, where the men are put. Their united +contributions amounted exactly to half a Victoria! Several dimes in the +salver. The new Act, limiting the personal expenses of Adult Males, may +have something to do with this. Shall move in the Saloon for Returns +showing the working of the Act. Alfred nowhere to be seen in the +Vestibule; perhaps detained by the children's toilette. In the afternoon +at the new Museum of Natural History opened this Spring, at Kensington. +The Galleries crowded. Several of us, including Professors Sara Sabina +Thewes and Caroline Gostrong, delivered extemporary lectures on the +animals; the men very attentive. In the evening to St. Paul's; heard the +new organist, Charlotte Bach Stopmore, Mus. Doc. The Cathedral a blaze +of splendour with the Tyndaluminospectric light. We Women have yet +something to learn in physical science. + +_Monday, May 11._ Received, by appointment, a deputation from the +electors of New Marylebone, inviting me to candidate that District at +the next General Election. Mrs. Admiral Stenterton, and Miss Lydia Boss +Wolloby, the dominant spokeswomen. Spread out my views on the Husbands' +Regulation Movement, the Cigar-Tax, the Compulsory Inspection of Men's +Clubs, and the Repudiation of the National Debt. All satisfactory, and I +agreed to retire from Jutley. Deputation luncheoned with me. No place +kept for Alfred, who had to sit at a side-table. + +To the Club (the Gynecium), and flashed a long private cryptogram to the +Chairwoman of my Committee at Jutley. Dined at the Club. After dinner in +the Fumitory. Took a Cabriole to the Saloon. Driver an extortionist; but +I knew the exact distance, to the tenth of a kilometre. Saloon debating +the Juries Exemption (Women) Bill. Spoke, I think, with sensation. The +venerable Earl of Hughenden came in as I was perorating. Alfred, in the +Gentlemen's Gallery, in tears. I wore my black velvet and point lace +pelerine, with the diamond star he gave me after the Jutley election. +That tiresome, tedious, insufferable Hannah Longbore (how South-West +Suffolk stands her so long I cannot imagine) prosed on against the Bill, +and sided with the Men, but we fidgeted her down at last. She had on +that old crimson satin which has seen three sessions at least! Maiden +speech from Marian Spray--pretty enough. Forget what Men spoke. Mrs. +Leader Donne, the lovely (!) and accomplished Member for Ironville, +closed the debate. Rather too great a parade of learning; positively she +quoted Lycophron in the original! But we all see through Mrs. Leader's +schemes--she means the Educational Under-Secretaryship, when Bella +Falayse goes to the Upper Saloon as a Peeress _jure suo_. Home by +Twelve. Alfred sitting up for me. What a resource that _Hortus Siccus_ +is to him! + +_Tuesday, May 12._--Card from Madge Bassingham, R.A., for her Inaugural +Praelection, as Pigmentary Professor at the Royal Academy. Could not go, +as I was engaged on a Committee at the Saloon--Metropolis Extension, +Brighton Annexation Bill. Dined with Mrs. Abraham Skrooley, M.P. Woman's +party. The Constantia exquisite. Discussed over our cigarettes the +arrangements for the approximating Women's Cosmopolitan Congress. Alfred +and one or two other Men came in the evening. + +_Wednesday, May 13._ Not well in the morning. Flashed for Dr. Martha +Walkingholme. She was detained at the Spleen Hospital, but her partner, +Harriet Chamomile, came and applied the Magnetic Detonator to my spine +and the backs of my ears. Instant relief. In the evening at the Biennial +Banquet of the Indigent Widowers' Pension Fund at Willis's. The Duchess +of Middlesex in the chair. After dinner the Indigent Widowers circuited +the tables, and attracted much attention by their neat and respectable +appearance. I proposed the toast of "The Gentlemen." Alfred responsed, +and for a wonder did _not_ break down. + +_Thursday, May 14._ Gave Cook a lesson on the harp before breakfast. +Sitting in the Library reading Mill's "Woman Triumphant," when my +electric alarum rang. Message from Oxford from my youngest sister, +Bianca, to say that she had that instant been elected Fellow of Carlyle +College. Three hundred and ten competitors. Tremendous examination, +lasting three weeks. Bianca's thorough domination of Russian, Japanese, +political economy, statistics, aërostatics, electrology, hygiene and +thermapeutics, gave her the victory. Hope some day she will stand for +the University. For joy I took a half holiday. (Left Alfred quite happy +with his silkworms.) Gymnastic relaxation at the Palaestra on the +Expanse at Hampstead. Then by Tube to Dover. Tunnelled over to Paris, +shopped, and back by the six rapid. Might have stayed later for we could +not make a Saloon: seven short of the legal Quorum, a hundred--so many +Members (men, I need hardly say) absent at the Great International +Croquet Tryst at the Crystal Palace. Passed an hour pleasantly at the +Diatomaceous Society, of which I have lately been balloted a Fellow. + +_Friday, May 15._ Busy all the morning preparing my oration on the "Wise +Sayings of Wise Women in all Countries and Epochs," for the Congress. +(Interrupted twice by Alfred, who had got the housekeeping accounts and +the washing-book into a fearful muddle.) Great meeting at 3'30 in +Emancipation Hall, to welcome Mrs. Hale Columbia Spragg, the first +female President of the United States. She has transited the Atlantic to +attend our Congress, but can only be present at this evening's +Inauguratory, as she must be in New York again before sundown to-morrow. +Went to the Saloon, but it immediately adjourned, on the motion of Mr. +Theodore Stuke, to enable the Lady Members to festinate to the Congress. +Immense success. Fifteen hundred Delegates from every country in the +world processed down the Hall, and then arranged themselves by +Continents on the gilded dais. Twenty-five thousand women computed to be +present in the Spectatorium. Our distinguished champion and unflinching +Hegemon, Amelia Smackles, assumed the presidential throne. Incessant +coruscations of enthusiasm, which culminated when a black sister moved +the fourteenth resolution, demanding the total, immediate, and +unconditional transfer of all menial labour from Woman to Man. Did not +get home till 1 p.m. Left my key behind me, so obliged to rouse up +Alfred, who was in bed, in great distress at the loss of one of his +canaries, and had forgotten to order my stout. Vexatious! + +_Saturday, May 16._ Dejeuned at the Constellation Hotel with dear +Amelia, to meet Mrs. President Spragg, Chief Justice Roberta Cokestone +(from Liberia), the Lady Warden of the Cinque Ports, the Lady Mayoress, +the Mistress of the Mint, and other forward Members of the Congress. The +President left us at noon. She would balloon over to New York in five +hours and a half. Quiet dinner at Richmond in the evening. Only Amelia, +two of the elder Sisters of the Trinity House, and the Delegates from +Germany, Turkey, Greece, and China. Bianca joined us unexpectedly from +Oxford, and introduced her bosom friend, the Professor of Anatomy, +Henrietta Stott Trawsell. Delightful promenade by the river before +dinner. Met Alfred fishing for gudgeon. + + * * * * * + + MORE EDUCATION-FIGHT. + +PUNCH shudders to see the Metric question raised again. Are we not in +the thick of an Educational War already? Will our contemporaries abstain +from putting new reasons for quarrel into the heads of fanatics. We +shall certainly have the Decimal business taken up by Denominationalists +and by Secularists. Ten fingers point out that the natural law is one of +decimals. Also, there are ten commandments for the theologian. On the +other hand, there are twelve signs of the Zodiac: this for nature; and +twelve Apostles: this for theology. O, please let the matter alone, and +let the little boys and girls be taught anyhow, so that they are taught +at all. + + * * * * * + + CHURCH DIS-ESTABLISHMENT. + +[Illustration: T]ERMINAL PUNCH, + +Five more London churches are to be immediately destroyed. Down with +them! First down with St. Mildred's, in the Poultry. It was built by SIR +CHRISTOPHER WREN, and somewhere about it rest the remains of THOMAS +TUSSER, who wrote the "Five Hundred Points of Good Husbandry." Sweep it +away, and then batter down St. Dionis Backchurch, also built by SIR +CHRISTOPHER. There are monuments in it to the great benefactor to the +Bodleian Library, and to the founder of the Saxon Lectureship in St. +John's College, Oxford. Who cares? St. James's, Aldgate, is to be +demolished: 'tis enough that Hebrews chiefly abide around that fane, and +need it not. Out with St. Martin of Outwich; it hath stood less than a +hundred years, and though it was consecrated by BISHOP PORTEUS, and +holdeth fine old monuments, conserved through three centuries, away with +it! Lastly (for the present) turn this pictured clown's pickaxe upon St. +Anthony's, or St. Antholin's, Sise Lane. That, too, was the work of the +Architect of St. Paul's, and sundry be the memories which our old +dramatists and our WALTER SCOTT have hung on "St. Anthing's." It is very +meet and right that the old City churches should all go, few persons now +abiding near them on Sunday, and religion being a thing for Sunday. SIR +CHRISTOPHER'S Cathedral, as it is also a Mausoleum, will probably be +spared until some railway or tramway shall want the site. + + Yours, delighted, + EROSTRATUS VANDAL. + + * * * * * + + ORGANS OF OFFENCE. + +ON Thursday last week a modification of the American Gatling Gun, called +the "British Mitrailleuse," was tried for the first time at Woolwich. +The following is a description of this benevolent machine:-- + + "It consists of ten barrels hooped together and revolving in the + centre, and fitted into a carriage like that of an ordinary + field-gun, which, at a short distance, it greatly resembles. The + barrels and cartridges are similar to those of the Henry-Martini + rifle--in diameter .45 in.; the cartridge-cases being of brass, + and bottle-necked." + +Tremendous, however, as may be the execution which this weapon is +capable of doing among a flock of soldiers, authorities are of opinion +that, "like small arms generally, it must give way to rifled ordnance." +On its trial:-- + + "Indeed, most of the Royal Artillery Officers present seemed to + think that the machine-gun can never stand against Artillery, + even if its delicate machinery did not become disarranged by + mere musket-shot." + +So that a comparison is suggested to those who read, that when the +"British Mitrailleuse" is made ready and placed in position-- + + "A handle like that of a street-organ, and fixed at the side of + the trail, is then turned at any degree of rapidity required, + and the barrels load and fire until the supply of cartridges is + exhausted, which takes about five minutes under favourable + conditions." + +One is led to compare the British Mitrailleuse with the Italian Grinding +Organ, and to question if the latter be not, of the two, the more +offensive instrument. + + * * * * * + + =Corrigendum.= + +THE antiquity of the Athanasian Creed being now shown to be a myth, the +date being that of CHARLEMAGNE, would it not be well, before the Prayer +Book is finally revised, that the correction should be made? For it will +take many a year to abolish the belief that St. Athanasius drew up the +document, especially as divers theologians think nothing of some four +hundred and fifty years of what they imagine to have been the Dark Ages. +"Commonly (but absurdly) called the Creed of St. Athanasius" is a line +that, in a century or so, might have an effect upon the less +un-intelligent. + + * * * * * + + A PROFESSION'S UNION. + +AT Bas-Unterwald, according to the _Swiss Times_:-- + + "Strikes are becoming the fashion in the higher circles of + society. The physicians of this peaceful Arcadia have united and + struck work, demanding an increase in their fees. The Laudrath, + however, refuses to entertain their claims, and advises a strike + of the patients as the best answer to the physicians' demands." + +There was a time when a strike of patients anywhere would have been +attended with a very great decrease of the rate of mortality. There is +reason to suppose that in the present improved condition of medical +science such would not be the case. The strikers, struck with fever, or +other grave illness, would probably be struck down in rather alarming +numbers. + +What justification of a medical strike there may be in Switzerland hath +not appeared, but in this country there is, in some quarters, not a +little. The ridiculously low wages, not to say salary, begrudged, not to +say granted, to Medical Officers by many Poor-Law Unions would amply +warrant the establishment of a Professional Union corresponding to a +Trades' Union, and consisting of sons of ÆSCULAPIUS. The +medico-chirurgical Unionists could manage a strike well enough without +committing any outrage on the Non-Unionists, or Knobsticks. There would +be no need for the Doctors on strike to picket, and waylay, and beat the +others on their road to the Workhouse, or across country to the +recipient of out-door relief; and they could do without rattening them +and filching away their physic, stethoscopes, and surgical instruments. +In dealing with unworthy members of an honourable Profession, capable of +underselling their brother-chips, the practitioners forming the Union +would require to have recourse to no proceedings associated with +Sheffield; they would find it quite sufficient to send outsiders and +recusants of co-operation in a strike to Coventry. + + * * * * * + + OMINOUS INDEED! + +ALL England, that reads the newspapers, will have felt the shock of a +truly-- + + "TERRIFIC EXPLOSION--Yesterday evening an explosion of a + frightful character occurred at GLADSTONE'S Cartridge Factory, + Greenwich Marshes, by which a large number of girls have been + seriously injured." + +Considering for what Constituency the PREMIER is Member of Parliament, +the majority of people cannot but be, momentarily at least, startled and +taken aback by the information in the first place that GLADSTONE has a +Cartridge Factory in Greenwich Marshes, and, secondly, that it has been +the scene of a terrific explosion. Nor certainly are they likely to be +re-assured by the further intelligence that:-- + + "A few weeks ago the Government seized 365 cases of ball + cartridge, each containing 20 lb. weight, which had been + manufactured by MR. GLADSTONE for the French Government during + the late war." + +The obvious suggestion conveyed by this statement is, that there has +occurred not only a terrific explosion in the borough of Greenwich, but +also a not less alarming blow-up in the Cabinet. _Absit omen!_ + + * * * * * + + ELEGANT ADVERTISING. + +IF you like, read this advertisement from the _Christian World_:-- + + CO-PARTNER WANTED, by a highly respectable Man, aged 30, + member of Spurgeon's. A gentlemanly person required, a believer + with about £50, and who can travel.--Address, &c. + +Hm! In the first place a gentlemanly person would not wish to hear his +partner talk in that exceedingly curt way of their minister and his +flock. "Member of Spurgeon's." "One who regularly attends the +ministrations of the Reverend C. H. SPURGEON, B.M." would be more +gentlemanly language. Nextly, "a believer with about £50" reads rather +Mammonish. It suggests that a sceptic with about £75, or a positivist +with about £100, would not be unacceptable. Thirdly, "who can travel." +Who _can't_ travel with about £50? MR. COOK will give you a +return-ticket for the Pyramid for about that. Fourthly, the "and" is +abominable English. We wish our esteemed friend the _Christian World_ +would edit its advertisements. We really can't be always doing it. + + * * * * * + + =Dignity for Doctors.= + +IT is suggested that a fitting honour to be conferred on meritorious +Physicians and Surgeons would be that of the Order of the Bath. Nothing +could be more suitable; but should the Bath be the Hot-Bath or the Cold? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENEROSITY. + +_Noble Lord_ (_whose Rifle has brought to a scarcely untimely end a very +consumptive-looking Fallow Deer_). "TUT--T, T, T, T, TUT! O, I SAY, +STUBBS!--(_to his Keeper_)--YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET ME KILL SUCH A POOR, +LITTLE, SICKLY, SCRAGGY THING AS THIS, YOU KNOW! IT POSITIVELY ISN'T FIT +FOR HUMAN FOOD! AH! LOOK HERE, NOW! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU AND MCFARLIN +MAY HAVE THIS BUCK BETWEEN YOU!!!"] + + * * * * * + + A SEAT ON A SAFETY-VALVE. + + + AN Income-tax partial see THIERS oppose, + O WILLIAM the Earnest, O ROBERT the True! + A soul above fear of the Rabble he shows; + Is that to be said, British Statesmen, of you? + + Or is it that you, whom mob-courtship doth move + With tribute from all due to load a part's purse. + Albeit your Honours both see and approve + The better arrangements, do follow the worse? + + How bad are the worse, which poor fleeced Britons rue, + You have often confessed; but decline to advance + On that high path which upright financiers pursue; + They manage these matters much better in France. + + For justice it is which disposes them there, + Political craft in this mighty free land, + Whose Rulers perpend not what impost were fair, + But what imposition tax-payers will stand. + + It was not enough upon shoulders select + To pile your whole Budget; on folk thus oppressed + (As housebreakers use, the strong-box to detect) + The Screw has been put; they are over-assessed. + + You fancy your Engine is working so well + By way of a Steam-Rack, 'twill yet more extort, + And bear any pressure your force can compel; + You sit on the safety-valve, therefore, in short. + + O WILLIAM the Daring! O ROBERT the Rash! + Though deaf to remonstrance, to caution give ear, + Ere high-pressure boiler burst up with a crash, + And blow aloft Stoker and hoist Engineer. + + * * * * * + + SAD ALTERATION. + +THE Dramatist has led us to think that "Music hath charms to soothe the +savage breast," but the "Heavenly Maid" is not so "young" as she was +when CONGREVE wrote, and increasing years seem to have changed her mood +and spoiled her temper. What other conclusion can we come to, when we +find in an article on "Music" in one of the newspapers, in some comments +on the performance of a young lady on the piano at a Monday Popular +Concert, the disquieting statement that she "left her mark as usual on +the audience, the music, and the piano"? It is some little relief to +find the writer adding that "this last was more than once punished +severely;" as it is a fair inference to draw, that whatever the +sufferings of the piano may have been, the music, and, which is far more +important, the audience, escaped with only one assault. + +The Managers of the Monday Concerts should consider, before it is too +late, whether they are not endangering the well-deserved popularity of +their agreeable entertainments, by allowing performances which would +seem to have rather too striking an effect upon the hearers. + + * * * * * + + =Nocens Absolvitur.= + +THE _South London News_ makes rather an unkind suggestion. Thieves enter +tradesmen's shops, under pretence of selling something. The _News_ +thinks that people who would be exempt from such visits should "keep +watch, and, on opportunity, hand the victims over to the police." This +may be fair in South London, wherever that is, but in Fleet Street we do +not dispense that kind of justice. + + * * * * * + + A HINT TO L. AND B. RAILWAY. + +THE Real "Nine Hours' Movement"--to Brighton and back for Half-a-Crown. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO MUCH PRESSURE. + +BOB THE STOKER. "LOR' BLESS YOU, M'NSEER! THAT'S THE WAY _WE_ 'RAISE THE +WIND;'--SIMPLEST THING IN THE WORLD!" + +M. THIERS. "HE, MON AMI! PRENEZ GARDE! HE SHALL 'BLOW UP' ONE DAY!"] + + * * * * * + + FRESH. NOT TIGHT. + +[Illustration: T]HERE is, or was, in this town a Public-house, wherein +the administration of justice was, and may still be, wont to be nightly +burlesqued by certain buffoons under the name of a Judge and Jury Club. +Let us hope that this was the only Court of Law which could possibly +have been in the eye of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL when, in the course of his +concise oration delivered on behalf of the Infant against the Claimant, +he spoke, with reference to the latter, as follows:-- + + "Besides, such is the pleasantry--I would not say the profit--of + our English law, that if he fails in this case he may go at it + again with fresh witnesses, let us hope with fresh + counsel--(_laughter_)--at least with a fresh jury--I say nothing + of a fresh judge. (_Continued laughter._)" + +The members of the Temperance League, and the United Kingdom Alliance +must surely have been shocked, as many as those who read and duly +considered the foregoing words, by the idea which they suggest of a +generally Fresh Court of Common Pleas. This horrid image was enough to +have unfixed their hair and made their excited hearts knock at their +ribs beyond the use of nature. Sobriety is so specially characteristic +of the Ermine that "sober as a Judge" is an adage; not, indeed, because +Judges are supposed not to drink, but to be able to drink any quantity. +Irreproachable with laxity in the discharge of their high functions, +British Judges are at all times incapable of getting tight. + + * * * * * + + EVENINGS FROM HOME. + +_MR. BARLOW, with MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, at the QUEEN'S THEATRE, +to see "The Last Days of Pompeii."_ + +_Tommy._ Pray, Sir, what and where was Pompeii? + +_Mr. Barlow._ It was, my dear TOMMY, a Roman municipality, full of +eligible villas, pleasantly situated in the immediate neighbourhood of +Mount Vesuvius, and within easy reach of the sea. It was "a place to +spend a happy day," and "there and back" from Naples formed one of the +chief excursions, at a very moderate rate, for the middle classes of +Neapolis. + +They had just commenced this instructive and entertaining conversation, +when the curtain rising discovered to their eager eyes as artistic and +effective a scene (with the exception of stationary painted groups, +whose fixed attitude strangely contrasted with the movement of the +actors in front of them) as it had hitherto been their lot to behold. + +As the play went on, HARRY requested permission of MR. BARLOW to ask a +question. + +_Harry._ Did you not tell us, Sir, that the "e" in Pompeii was long? + +_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, HARRY, I did. + +_Harry._ And did you not also tell us that one of the purposes of a +theatrical exhibition, such as this is, is the advancement of education +among all sorts and conditions of people? + +_Mr. Barlow._ You are again correct, and truly I begin to perceive the +drift of your remark. Therefore let me tell you that had any Eton boy +said Pomp[ue]ii, instead of Pomp[=e]ii, he would speedily have been +taught the force of an _argumentum_ addressed, as was one of HORACE'S +Odes, _ad puerum_. + +_Harry._ Surely too, Sir, a diphthong is long; so that the name +_Apoecides_ should not be rendered Appy-cides, as if the name were an +unaspirated pronunciation of _H_appy Cides. + +To this MR. BARLOW replied that doubtless these honest folks had cogent +reasons for their mode of pronunciation, with which he advised HARRY to +become acquainted, before taking upon himself to pronounce an +unmitigated condemnation of them. + +"You will now perceive, TOMMY," said MR. BARLOW, during the performance +of the Third Scene of the First Act, "that the crafty _Arbaces_ is +anxious to entice the sentimental young gentleman, _Appy Cides_, to +partake of the repast with him." + +_Harry._ But, Sir, surely the young man's objection to accept the +invitation of the Egyptian, must arise from a sense of politeness on his +part, which, as there is nothing edible on the table, I fancy, except +one plate of fruit, will not permit him to deprive _Arbaces_ of even a +portion of a dessert that has, evidently, been only ordered for one. + +_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, HARRY, I think you are right, and had _Arbaces_ +thought of it, I am certain he would willingly have extended his +hospitality to a bag of nuts or some cakes of gingerbread. But you must +remember that _Appy Cides_, or, as he seems to me, _Un-'appy Cides_, is +only the pupil of _Arbaces_, and does not appear at his tutor's table +until dessert-time. + +_Tommy._ If I were there I would go and eat everything, and then I would +dance with one of the young ladies. + +_Mr. Barlow._ I am sorry, TOMMY, that you are of that mind; and at +another time--for I perceive that the good people in the pit, by their +repeated cries of hush, and by the direction of their attention towards +us, wish rather to hear the dialogue on the stage than my discourse, +which is, after all, of a personal and private character--at another +time, I was about to say, I will read to you an instructive story on +greediness, entitled _Chares and the Convulsive Tailor_. + +TOMMY looked on at the piece very sulkily for some time, being, indeed, +intent upon the antique cups and goblets and upon the plate of luscious +fruit which he had already noticed. But on seeing that neither _Arbaces_ +nor the sentimental young gentleman partook of anything that was +provided for them, he began to have high opinion of their breeding, and +before the scene was finished was heartily sorry for his error, and +applauded all he saw and heard with increasing rapture and delight. + +_Mr. Barlow._ You may, indeed, evince your gratitude to these worthy +people, since they have done all in their power to entertain and +instruct us. And, indeed, where all is done so vastly well, I know not +what to commend most, whether the sonorous voice and dignified +scoundrelism of that twice-crushed Priest of Isis, the iniquitous and +unprincipled _Arbaces_, played by the remarkably upright and +conscientious actor, MR. RYDER; or whether the gentle pleadings of the +blind _Nydia_--MISS HODSON is the young lady's name, my dear TOMMY, and +I have no doubt she saw and appreciated your boyish enthusiasm--or the +bearing of MR. RIGNOLD throughout a remarkably difficult and most trying +part. But, HARRY, what is your opinion? + +_Harry._ Why, Sir, I am very little judge of these matters, but I +protest that I feel mightily indebted to those clever gentlemen, MASTERS +GORDON and HARFORD (I had well-nigh slipt into the error of saying +MASTERS MERTON and SANDFORD) for the scenery which has so admirably +served to illustrate this play. I am sorry that _Appy Cides_ was killed, +as, having become a Christian, there would, I am sure, have been every +opportunity open to him as an estimable young curate of evangelical +proclivities. + +_Tommy_ (_during the cleverly arranged Amphitheatre Scene, Act IV._) I +am glad to see, Sir, that in this scene where we have so much to admire, +the tumblers---- + +_Mr. Barlow._ These, my dear TOMMY, represent the gladiators. And you +must remember that on the stage, where every combat has to be carefully +arranged both as to the number and fashion of the blows given and +received, and as to who shall be, and who shall not be the conqueror, +the contest of two determined champions, or rather of two champions +whose course has been previously determined, cannot fail to be of a most +thrilling and exciting character. + +_Tommy._ O, Sir! they have given orders to let the Lion loose. O, Sir! +the Lion is coming! + +_Harry._ I do not believe that all these fine gentlemen and ladies would +remain so still if there were, indeed, a Lion approaching. + +_Mr. Barlow._ The Lion, my dear TOMMY, is a native of both India and +Africa. When they are hungry, they kill every animal they meet, and will +even devour little boys---- + +Here poor TOMMY'S trepidation was increased to such an extent that he +would have quitted his seat and the theatre, but for the sudden entry of +the traitor _Calenus_, whose charge of murder brought against his +master, the wily _Arbaces_, instantly distracted everyone's thoughts +from the coming of the expected monster. + +Both MR. BARLOW and HARRY were loud in their praises of the dramatist +who had contrived to arouse in the breasts of the spectators such +emotions of fear, by the absence of the Lion, as could scarcely have +been equalled by his formidable presence. + +"Indeed," said MR. BARLOW, "on reflection, I am led to consider the +chiefest part in this piece to be the Lion's share in it. He is spoken +of at the commencement of the play, he is often alluded to throughout, +and the bare mention of his name sensibly electrifies the spectators on +and off the stage. From the very first we are incited to expect his +appearance. He has not to roar to make himself dreaded. He has not even +to be present, either on or off, the scene. + +_Harry._ This device is, in my humble judgement, worthy of high +commendation in the play-wright, who has thus evinced his reverence for +the words of the immortal WILLIAM, and whose plan is in cordial +agreement with _Bottom's_ opinion on this very matter, which, my dear +TOMMY, as you are as yet unacquainted with the works of SHAKSPEARE, I +will repeat to you. "_Masters_," says _Bottom_, "_You ought to consider +with yourselves, to bring in a lion among ladies is a most dreadful +thing, for there is not a more fearful wild fowl than your lion, +living_." + +TOMMY was so forcibly struck by this adroit application of a famous +passage from the plays of SHAKSPEARE, that he determined, on the first +opportunity to read all these dramas through from beginning to end. And +having already set himself to the study of astronomy and mechanics, +solely in order to make himself as proficient in the art of applicable +illustrations as was his friend HARRY MERTON, TOMMY now found that he +had at least one hour of the day fully occupied. + +On their return from the theatre MR. BARLOW, ever anxious for the +improvement of both his young friends, commenced reading to them the +story of _The Magistrate and the Elephant_; but, seeing that both his +young friends were fast asleep in their chairs, he lit his +chamber-candle and retired for the night. + +On entering his room somewhat suddenly, a pair of boots, artfully placed +so as to rest on the door, which had been standing ajar, descended on +his head; and the next instant, on his taking one step forward, he came +in contact with a stout string, so skilfully fastened, as not only to +throw him sharply on the floor, but, being cunningly connected with the +fire-irons and the washing-stand, it brought down these articles also +with a great crash and much confusion. Before he could arise from his +painful position, TOMMY and HARRY had rushed up-stairs to render to +their revered preceptor what assistance was in their power. Being +questioned as to the hand they had had in this strange affair, MASTER +TOMMY, with becoming modesty, acknowledged that it was he who had +devised the scheme. "And," said he, "I protest I think it is no +inadequate representation of what must have been the consequence in +several houses during the Eruption of Mount Vesuvius in the _Last Days +of Pompeii_." + +So saying, both the boys withdrew themselves rapidly from their beloved +tutor's apartment, and locked themselves into their own rooms. Soon +after this, they were all in a sound slumber, which lasted until a late +hour on the following morning. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A QUESTION FOR THE SHIRES. + +"NOW, DEAR, WHICH DO YOU PREFER FOR THE 'TOPS'?--THE DEEPER SHADE, OR +VERY PALEST PINK?"] + + * * * * * + + VINDICTIVE TEUTONS. + +THERE is a good deal of talk in France about revenge to be taken one of +these days upon the Germans for having repelled and beaten their +invaders. In the meanwhile, according to the _Post_, those barbarous +Germans are trying to revenge themselves, in their heavy way, on the +enemies who have been twitting them with stealing clocks and watches, by +an-- + + "IMPORTANT RESTORATION OF SPECIE.--_The Courier de Meurthe et + Moselle_ announces that the six millions of francs which had + fallen into the hands of the German troops after the + capitulation of Strasburg, and belonging to the Bank of France, + are about to be restored to that establishment through its + branch bank at Nancy." + +This, of course, is a practical sarcasm at the expense of a nation +represented by some of its orators and statesmen as having been +aggrieved by being forced to restore pictures and works of Art which the +First NAPOLEON and his gangs in uniform had pillaged from their +neighbours. It is obviously meant to suggest an odious comparison +between those who make restitution of even lawful plunder in hard cash, +and those others who grumble because of having been compelled to replace +Art-treasures actually stolen, and that in some cases from friends. This +is clumsy German satire to be sure, but it tumbles down pretty heavily +for all that on the heads of them that shouted "À Berlin!" + + * * * * * + + =Sporting News.= + +THE lovers of manly British sports will be glad to know that there is a +chance of seeing another good fight, or so, before the law is altered. A +rattling mill is to come off in the north of the West Riding. POWELL, +the well-known Cambridge Slogger, is matched against HOLDEN, of the +above parts, who has not fought in public, but is known in the Chapel +districts as a determined cove. As this will be nearly the last of the +real old English fights, much interest is excited. The white chokers are +with POWELL, and HOLDEN is backed by the humbler humboxes. Both men will +do all they know, and a clinking good contest may be expected. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE." + +_Uncle._ "WELL, TOMMY, YOU SEE I'M BACK; ARE YOU READY? WHAT HAVE I TO +PAY FOR, MISS?" + +_Miss._ "THREE BUNS, FOUR SPONGE CAKES, TWO SANDWICHES, ONE JELLY, FIVE +TARTS, AND--" + +_Uncle._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, BOY! ARE YOU NOT ILL?" + +_Tommy._ "NO, UNCLE; BUT I'M THIRSTY."] + + * * * * * + + =NEGATIVE KNOWLEDGE.= + +WE never knew a cabman with an eyeglass, or a chimneysweep with +spectacles. + +We never knew a lady buy a bargain at a shop sale, and not afterwards +regret it. + +We never knew a man propose the toast of the evening, without his +wishing that it had not been placed in abler hands. + +We never knew a waiter in a hurry, at a chop-house, who did not say that +he was "Coming, Sir!" when really he was going. + +We never lost a game to a professional at billiards, without hearing him +assign his triumph chiefly to his flukes. + + * * * * * + + TO THE STATE COACHMAN. + + (_Suggested by a Passage in the new Q. R._) + + "CANNING did not know that tadpoles + Turn to frogs." Each fool explodes: + But that Queller of the Yelpers + Knew that patriots turn to toads. + + GLADSTONE goes in for omniscience; + Does the team obey the bit + As when PAM'S whip stung with banter, + Or when CANNING'S cut with wit? + + WILLIAM! _Punch_, who likes you, counsels-- + Mix some humour with your zeal, + Making humbugs think is hopeless: + Be content to make them _feel_. + + * * * * * + + =No Misnomer.= + +A CORRESPONDENT of the _Times_, whose note is headed "Civil Service +Grammar," writes a remonstrance because he has seen a Government Cart +going about inscribed "Her Majesty's Stationary Office." He is evidently +under a misconception as to what office is meant, for what man who +reflects on the progress of the new Law Courts, the new National +Gallery, the new Natural History Museum, the Wellington Monument, &c., +can doubt for a moment that "Her Majesty's Stationary Office" is the +Office of Works and Public buildings? + + * * * * * + + IN ANGELÆ HONOREM. + + "A Meeting was held in the Hall of Columbia Market, on Monday + evening, SIR THOMAS DAKIN in the Chair, to consider what + testimonial of public respect and gratitude should be offered to + BARONESS BURDETT COUTTS."--_Daily News._ + +SWEET names there are that carry sweet natures in their sound; +Whose ring, like hallowed bells of old, seems to shed blessing round: +Such a name of good omen, FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE, is thine; +And hers, our ANGELA'S, for all in want and woe that pine. + +The QUEEN has made her noble; but ere that rank was given, +She had donned robe and coronet of the peerage made in Heaven: +Baptised in purer honour than from earthly fountain flows, +Raised to a prouder Upper House than our proud island knows. + +The loftiest of that peerage are of lowliest mood and will; +And this their proudest lordship, Love's service to fulfil: +Chief Stewards and High Almoners of the goods Heaven bestows-- +'Tis theirs to see that Charity in Wisdom's channels flows. + +For e'en that stream, ill-guided, can poison goodly ground-- +For health, sow fever broadcast, for blessing, blight, around: +'Tis not enough its waters to loose with lib'ral mind; +If Reason lends not eyes to Love, Love strays--for he is blind. + +This _she_ has known, our ANGELA, for whom men ask, e'en now, +"Fit tribute of our gratitude where shall we pay, and how?" +If blessings clothed in substance, prayers made palpable, could be, +When had Kaiser, King, or Conqueror, such monument as she? + +But what can gold, or silver, or bronze, or marble, pay +Of the unsummed debt of gratitude owed her this many a day? +What record, parchment-blazoned, closed in golden casket rare, +Can with her love, in England's heart, for preciousness compare? + +If we needs must find her symbol, then carve and set on high +A heavy-laden camel going through the needle's eye; +Gold-burdened, by a gentle yet firm hand wisely driven,-- +Our ANGELA'S, that on it rides, riches and all, to Heaven! + +Or if a painted record be by the occasion claimed, +Paint up Bethesda's Pool, and round, the sick, the halt, and maimed, +Waiting until our ANGELA through Earth's afflicted go +To stir wealth's healing waters, that await her hand to flow. + + * * * * * + + PIG-AND-BARGAIN-DRIVING. + +THE _Eastern Morning News_--what a pretty name--why not the +_Dawn_?--hath a prosaic item: this:-- + + WANTED, a GROOM and Coachman, and to assist the Gardener. Wages, + 18s. per week to commence with, to be advanced 1s. per year for + every year he remains. Must understand horses and pigs, and be + able to drive one, or a pair. + +We do not think the wages too high. A celebrated Oxford Don, who could +make Greek verses as fast as mill-wheels strike, yet who was not so +ready with ordinary English, beheld, from the top of a coach, a drover +striving to guide some pigs along the road. Wishing to be +conversational, the Don observed to his neighbour, "A difficult Animal +to drive is a Pig--one man--a good many--very." Here, observe, were the +materials for a pleasing remark, but they needed arrangement. He was +right, however. Pigs are difficult to drive, and the Yorkshire +advertiser who wants a man able to drive one pig, or a pair, is right in +offering him the above noble rise in wage. Correspondents will abstain +from vulgar suggestions about a pig and a "hog"--we don't understand +them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE BE TRUTHS." + +_Mistress._ "BRING SOME MORE BREAD, MARTHA?" +_Maid._ "THERE'S NANE, MEM!" +_Mistress._ "O, NONSENSE! I SAW A LOAF IN THE PANTRY." +_Maid._ "DID YE, MEM? I'M THINKING IT'S TIME YE WERE GETTING SPECS, + THEN, FOR IT'S A CHEESE!"] + + * * * * * + + "YOUR BONNET TO ITS RIGHT USE." + + "LET me use my _biretta_," + Says CARDINAL CULLEN, + "To fan Ireland's school-lamp, + That burns smoky and sullen." + + "No," says England, "your motives + 'Twere cruel to doubt,-- + But what if your rev'rence + Should put the lamp out?" + + * * * * * + + LONDON GOLD DIGGINGS. + +DEAR Old England! well may one exclaim, on reading in the _Daily News_ a +statement such as this:-- + + "VALUE OF LAND IN LOMBARD STREET.--A piece of land adjoining the + Lombard Exchange, in Lombard Street, has been sold for £9000, or + about £19 4s. 6d. per foot super." + +It used to be affirmed that London streets were paved with gold, and, by +the side of the above, the story hardly seems beyond one's power of +credulity. Land worth nineteen pounds per foot must be wellnigh as good +as gold to its fortunate possessor, and the man who owned an acre of it +would hardly need to emigrate to any other diggings. Assuredly, to any +_Fortunatus_ who owns much land in Lombard Street, London may be looked +on as the true Tom Tiddler's Ground. + + * * * * * + + =The New Judge.= + +_Mr. Punch_ hears that LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN (one of our most +accomplished Latin writers) intimated to the CHANCELLOR that the +appointment of the new Judge for the Queen's Bench was a _Sine Quainon_. + + * * * * * + + =WANTED--SIMPLICITY.= + +MR. PUNCH, + +Is the English language a thing to be ashamed of? I put the question, +because in a weekly literary journal, printed and published in London in +the mother tongue, I have just read, not without some rubbing of eyes +and much mental bewilderment, the following singular announcement:-- + + "INSTITUTION OF CIVIL ENGINEERS.--The EMPEROR OF BRÉSIL was + elected an Honorary Member." + +I have never heard that Brazil has become a French possession, and I am +positive that the Institution of Civil Engineers is not in Paris, but in +Great George Street, Westminster. Why, then, Brésil? Crack this +Brazil-nut for + + Yours, unaffectedly, + JNO. SMITH. + +P.S.--Can fish talk? I ask this second question, after seeing that +another periodical publication contains an article with the heading, +"Perch Prattle." + + * * * * * + + =We Can't See It.= + +OF all the odd kinds of consolation under affliction, the last +suggestion seems to _Mr. Punch_ the oddest. We are mourning the demise +of the no-horned Infant Hippopotamus in the Regent's Park, and we are +told to be cheerful, for a two-horned Infant Rhinoceros has gone to +Madrid. The doctrine of compensations was never pushed much further, +even in a Scotch sermon. + + * * * * * + + =Platonic Politics.= + +Plato gives the best reason why Woman's Rights should be conceded, and +Women be admitted to power. Listen, Dears, "Rulers should have Personal +Beauty." Kiss ums own old _Punch_. + + * * * * * + + =Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford square, in the + Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at + the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard + Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, + and Published by him at No. 65, Fleet Street, in the Parish of + St. Bride, City of London.--SATURDAY, January 27, 1872.= + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the +speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +Some Illustrations were graphic capital letters. In those illustrations, +the capital letter was included within the illustration tag, e.g. +[Illustration: T]. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next the text they illustrate. Thus the +page number of the illustration might not match the page number in the +List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted below: + +On page 39, the latin small letter e with breve is represented by [ue] +and the latin small letter e with macron is represented by [=e]. + +On page 39, the paragraph beginning with "Indeed," seems to be missing +a quotation mark. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +62, Jan 27, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38040-8.txt or 38040-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/0/4/38040/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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