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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/37919-8.txt b/37919-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0fe48a --- /dev/null +++ b/37919-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7145 @@ +Project Gutenberg's In Accordance with the Evidence, by Oliver Onions + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: In Accordance with the Evidence + +Author: Oliver Onions + +Release Date: November 4, 2011 [EBook #37919] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE *** + + + + +Produced by Quentin Johnson, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + IN ACCORDANCE + WITH THE EVIDENCE + + OLIVER ONIONS + + + + + + + + + + IN ACCORDANCE + WITH THE EVIDENCE + + BY + + OLIVER ONIONS + + Author of "The Exception," etc. + + GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + NEW YORK + _Publishers in America for Hodder & Stoughton_ + + + + + + + Copyright, 1913 + + BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + + + + + + TO + WILLIAM ARTHUR + LEWIS BETTANY + + + + + CONTENTS + + + PART I PAGE + + HOLBORN 11 + + PART II + + WOBURN PLACE 113 + + PART III + + THE GARRET 191 + + + + + + + +PART I + +HOLBORN + + + + + +IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE + + +I + +It seems strangely like old times to me to be making these jottings in +Pitman's shorthand. I was surprised to find I remembered as much of it +as I do, for I dropped it suddenly when Archie Merridew died, and +Archie's clear, high-pitched voice was the last that ever dictated to me +for speed, while I myself have not dictated since Archie took down his +last message from my reading. That will be--say a dozen years or more +ago next August. It may be a little more, or a little less. Nor, since I +do not keep it as an anniversary, does the day of the month matter. + +Either in my rooms or his, we had a good deal of this sort of practise +together about that time, young Archie and I--reading aloud, taking down +and transcribing. I am wrong in speaking of my "rooms" though; I had +only one, a third-floor bedroom near the very noisiest corner of King's +Cross. It was just opposite one of these running electric advertisements +that changed from green to red and from red to green three times every +minute; you know them; there are plenty of them now, but they were new +then. The street was narrow; this horrible thing was at a rounded corner +not more than five and twenty yards away; and even when my lamp was +lighted it still tinged my ceiling and the upper part of the wall above +my bed, red and green, red and green--for I had only a little muslin +half-curtain and no blind, and if I wanted to read in bed I had either +to turn my lamp out until I had undressed or else to undress in a corner +by the window side of the room, because of being overlooked from across +the way. I don't think there were any other lodgers in the house. It was +a "pub," the "Coburg," but I could get on to the staircase without going +through the bars on the ground floor, and always did so. The rather sour +smell of these lower parts of my abode reached me up my three flights of +stairs, but I had got used to that. It was the noise that was the worst +(except, of course, that red and green fiend of an advertisement)--the +noise that greeted me when I woke of a morning, awaited me when I came +back from Rixon Tebb & Masters' at night, and often became maddening +when, at half-past twelve, they clashed to the iron gates of the +public-house and turned the topers out into the street, to fraternise or +quarrel for half-an-hour or more beneath my window. + +But we worked more in Archie Merridew's rooms than in mine. "Rooms" is +correct here. He had the whole top floor of a house near the Foundling +Hospital, a pretty house with a fan-lighted ivy-green door, early +Georgian, a brightly twinkling brass knocker and bellpulls, and a +white-washed area inside the railings to make the basement lighter. His +folks lived at Guildford; his father paid his rent for him, thirty-eight +pounds a year; and his pleasant quarters under the roof had everything +that mine hadn't--he could sit outside on the coped leads when the +weather was hot, draw up cosily to a fireplace shaped something like a +Queen Anne teapot when it was cold, and the ceiling, truncated along one +side, didn't begin to turn red and green the moment the twilight came. + +It gives me a shiver to think how atrociously poor I was in those days. +More and more of that too comes back with the half-forgotten shorthand. +I don't mean that I've ever forgotten that I used to be poor; it's the +depth and degradation I mean and that--this will seem odd to you +presently, as it seems suddenly odd to me as I write it--that memory is +still more horrible to me than anything else I have ever known. My +having got rich since doesn't wipe it out. If I were to become as rich +as Rockefeller I should never forget the rages of envy, black and deep +and bitter, that used sometimes to take me when I thought of Archie +Merridew's circumstances and my own. + +I have got riches as I have got everything else--_everything_--I ever +wanted, by attention to detail. You'll probably agree with me by-and-by +that by "attention to detail" I mean rather more than most men do when +they give this advice to young men about to start in life. I remember +they used to give us, as it were, the empty form and shell of this maxim +at the Business College, the place in Holborn Archie and I attended; but +you've got to have been down into the pit and come back again before you +realise the terrible force there is in these truisms. And no less in +doing things than undoing them afterwards (when that has been necessary) +have I planned to the very last _minutię_. If I have never seemed a +particularly busy man, that has been because I have always disliked +being seen in the act of doing a thing. And where I have passed my trail +is obliterated. + +Archie Merridew and I were only half contemporaries. He was younger than +I by a good seven years--was, as a matter of fact, only twenty-three +when he died. And in nearly everything else we were as sharply +contrasted as we were in our fortunes. Indeed, we were much more so, for +while I miserably coveted that thirty-eight pound upper floor of his +near the Foundling Hospital, my faith in myself and my ambition would +have helped me over that. Physically, we were as different as we could +be. My almost gigantic size made me, in my cramped red and green lighted +apartment, an enormously overgrown squirrel in the smallest of cages; +but to Archie's rather dandified little dapperness his series of roof +chambers was spacious as a palace. Mentally we diverged even more. I was +taciturn, he lively as one of the crickets that used to chirp behind his +little Queen Anne teapot of a fireplace. And as for luck--well, if luck +ever so much as nodded to me in those days, it seemed to change its mind +and to pass by on the other side, while he seemed to pull things off the +more easily the more recklessly he blundered. + +And he had his people at Guildford, while I had never a soul in the +world. + +I don't know how we contrived to hit it off as well as, on the whole, we +did. Perhaps that too was part of his lucky disposition--he could get +along even with me. He always spread some sort of a weak charm about +him, and this charm always disarmed me even, when to all intents and +purposes he was merely rubbing in my horrible poverty. He would tell me, +as if I wasn't already eating my heart out about it, that it was about +time I made an effort--that _he_ wasn't going to remain in those stuffy +diggings of his all _his_ days--and that if he had only half my brains +he'd be up somewhere pretty high in a very short time (as he probably +would had he lived)--all this, you understand, for my good, the +cigarette gummed to his prettily shaped upper lip wagging as he talked, +and with the best intentions in the world. He was quite devoted to me; +would tell me how he had told other people about those extraordinary +brains of mine; and he never dreamed (though it was not long before I +began to) that our respective ages were even then making of our +companionship a hopeless thing. A lad of seventeen may attach himself +for a time to a man whose years number twenty-four of bitterness and +exclusion, but they will part company again before the one is +twenty-three and the other thirty. + +I was only an evening student at the Business College, while Archie +spent his days there. Often enough he did not turn up in the evening at +all; indeed, he only began to do so with unfailing regularity some time +after Evie Soames had put her name down for the social evening course of +lectures on Business Method. Evie Soames was a day student too, though +only on three days in the week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; and +the lectures on Method were given in the evening because they were +specially addressed to those who, like myself, were employed during the +day, and deemed to be ripe for the more advanced instruction. I don't +think Archie was very much wiser for Weston's (our lecturer) efforts, +but he was genuinely grateful to me for my explanations of them +afterwards, and would pat me on the shoulder affectionately, and tell me +he couldn't understand why everybody else didn't see what a rare good +sort I was. That was his backhanded idea of a compliment. + +I think, in those early days of mine, I hated pretty well everything and +everybody; and I cannot better show you how little I found to love than +by giving you, before I go on with my tale, an account of my day at that +period of my life--any day taken at random will do. + +I had to be at Rixon Tebb & Masters' by nine, why, I don't know, since +nobody else of any account whatever turned up much before half-past ten. +But eight of us had to be there by nine o'clock, and I will tell you how +our eight had been got together. + +You know--or don't you know?--that there are firms that contract for the +supply of "office labour" of all grades, from the messenger boy to the +beginning of the confidential clerks; holusbolus, in the lump, as much +of it or as little as you please. You pay, if you are an employer, a +certain number of hundreds a year, and the agency does the rest. One +down, t'other up; sack one man, and telephone for another. The agency's +supply, at the maximum of a pound a week, is practically unlimited, and +the firm escapes all personal responsibility in regard to its staff. + +I was one of these consignments of labour--or rather an eighth of one. I +don't know now what I did. I know that I addressed envelopes and checked +columns of figures and lists of names, quite devoid of meaning to me, +and got eighteen shillings a week for it. There was no chance that I +should ever get more than eighteen shillings. Ask for nineteen and the +telephone rang, the agency was informed of your request, and ... well, +three times I had seen that happen. + +One chance of escape, indeed, we had; the firm was clever enough to +allow us that. It was by way of what I may call the permanent junior +clerkship. The permanent junior clerk was, as it were, breveted with the +rank of the real clerks in the inner office; and so was hope dangled +over the heads of eight of us. There was the junior clerkship amongst +the eight of us. That or nothing. + +I need hardly say that jealousy, espionage, and scheming besmirched our +souls. + +Well (to continue my account of my day), I addressed envelopes or read +aloud from interminable lists until one o'clock, and then I lunched. +This we were not allowed to do in the office, so that usually I ate from +a paper bag in one of the quieter streets, or else had a scone and milk +at an A.B.C. shop round the corner in Cheapside. I was alone. My +fellow-stuff from the agency, always on the lookout for a pretext of +mistrust, found one in my (I admit) uncommon face. I put in the time +until two, when I was not smothering up annoyance at those who would +turn round to stare at a man who had been made half a head taller than +the rest of the world, in wondering whether those about me were as rich +or worse off than I, and whether they were able to procure a bath as +cheaply and easily; and then I returned to Rixon Tebb & Masters' again. +At six-thirty I proceeded home, washed, and went out to dinner. I dined +at one of the establishments near the corner of Pentonville Road; you +have seen them, there is an arrangement of gas-jets behind a steamy +window, and, in galvanised iron trays, sausages and onions and saveloys +fry. The proprietor of the "pull-up" fetched my dinner out of the window +on the prongs of a toasting fork, and I ate it in a small matchboard +compartment, or, when these _cabinets particuliers_ happened to be all +pre-occupied, at an oilcloth-covered table that ran down the middle of +the shop. During and after my meal I read the whole of _The Echo_--I was +allowed as a habitué to retain my seat longer than the casual diner. But +on the nights on which I took a bath (did I say I sponged on Archie +Merridew for this convenience, carrying my clean shirt in a paper that +also served for the wrapping-up of the one I had removed?), I added to +my obligation by supping with him also, and then we walked on to the +Business College together. My clothes I bought in Lamb's Conduit Street, +my boots in Red Lion Passage. I had always the greatest difficulty in +getting a fit in either. At one time I had the misfortune to make myself +very unpopular among the proprietors of a row of barrows not far from +Southampton Row. This was over the purchase of a collar, and the cub +under the naphtha lamp had made some joke or other about the uncommon +size I required, saying that the horse collars were to be had in St +Martin's Lane. The blow under the ear I gave him was heavier than I +intended; I am afraid I broke his jaw, and I avoided the street for a +long time. + +After the class, I either continued my studies, as I have said, with +young Merridew, or else took a walk. In this again I was always alone. I +went far afield. If I went west, I usually turned along Great Russell +and Guildford Streets, but the moths, English and foreign, of the half +light of this last thoroughfare caused me at one time to take the way of +Holborn and Gray's Inn Road. The nickname they gave me, they also gave, +I don't doubt, to fifty men besides myself, but it seemed somehow to +attach itself more conspicuously to me because of my general +conspicuousness. It was that of the mysterious and ubiquitous author of +a series of unelucidated crimes as to the nature of which I need not be +specific. + +Then, when I had walked my fill, I returned to my cage opposite the red +and green electric advertisement. + +This is a fair sample of my days at that time. + + +II + +There is a showy boot shop now where the Business College used to be; +the new place is in Kingsway. There, in Kingsway, I am told they have +methods and appliances undreamed of in my time--mechanical calculators, +wonderful filing systems, elaborate duplicators, and lectures on +Commercial and Political Economy and Mercantile Law--but the old Holborn +curriculum included shorthand, typewriting, book-keeping, and lectures +on method and not very much besides. When I left, I remember, they were +just beginning, as a high novelty, advertisement-writing. Later, I +myself took this class, though only for a few weeks. + +Even then, I think, the Holborn place was condemned to come down. A +second-hand book shop occupied the ground floor; and above the book shop +window three columns, each of three bow windows, one for each floor, +formed the frontage. The three bow windows of the top floor were ours. +Inside, the place was small and inconvenient in the extreme. It had been +a dwelling-house once, and the old fixtures still remained--dark +cauliflower wallpapers, heavy ornamental gas-brackets, and little +porcelain fittings by the fireplaces that still rang, in the second of +the two rooms that had been knocked into one to form a lecture-room, a +row of bells that resembled a series of interrogation marks. + +Only four women attended the classes. The business woman was, +comparatively speaking, a rarity then, nor can I quite make up my mind +as to how much things have changed in this respect and how much they +remain exactly as they were. They have certainly changed if it is all on +account of her certificate that a young woman can now walk into an +office and be promptly asked at what hour it will be convenient for her +to begin her duties on the morrow; and, lacking certificates, three of +our four students could hardly have fallen back on any natural diploma +of personal charms. I mean, in a word, that Miss Windus, Miss Causton +and Miss Levey were, to say the least, not remarkably pretty, though +Miss Causton was beautiful as far as her figure and movements went. + +But Evie Soames was very different. She was, in actual years, twenty; +but she seemed still to stand among the debris of her teens as an +opening tree stands over its sprinkling of delicate fallen sheaths in +the spring. Both graces and awkwardnesses of an earlier time still +clung, as it were, to her stem. She had, as I later learned, been at one +school until she was seventeen, at a second school until she was +nineteen, and now, after a year of indetermination and arrested +development at home, was still further delaying her maturity by +beginning again not very differently from the way in which she had begun +at fourteen. She had, of course, picked up a number of unimportant +acquirements by the way, but had never, in those days when I first knew +her, given it a thought that Evie Soames was a person Evie Soames might +well have some natural curiosity about. She moved, neither woman nor +schoolgirl, among the charts and files and dusty ledgers of the Business +College, slender, dark, necked like a birch, and with eyes than which, +when she looked suddenly round, the flash of a negro's teeth was not +whiter. + +I have told you how my days were passed, but not yet said anything about +my dreams. As I cannot speak of Evie Soames apart from these I will do +so as briefly as I can. + +Whatever else in my life I may have been, I have not, even in my dreams, +been a sensualist. It might in some respects have been better for me if +I had. But so far was I from that that I have even been charged (though +the charge is really as wide of the mark as it could well be) with a +certain inhumanity; by which I mean, not cruelty, but--how shall I +express it?--a certain inaccessibility to the ordinary human relation. +And I do not believe the woman lives who, given her choice of these two +interpretations of the word, would not prefer the former. Only in the +latter does she foresee her final defeat. + +Therefore, when at midday in Cheapside, or in Guildford Street as I +returned from my lonely rambles, or in Holborn or Oxford Street at the +hour when shops and offices turned out their human contents, male and +female, after the day's work, I watched the pattering feet on the +pavements, I was not stirred as the fleshly stockbrocker or +conscienceless "blood" is stirred. (You must allow me this +generalisation; you know what I mean.) My eyes did not meet other eyes +as seeking acquaintance. I never, in train or tram or 'bus, set off my +vacation of my seat for a woman against the bow or thanks I might +receive. I never, even at my loneliest, held a waitress or attendant in +talk for any satisfaction I had in her nearness. Whatever I have learned +from crowds, crowds have had nothing of mine. Nor, my heavy and immobile +appearance notwithstanding, was I (I affirm this) a solitary because I +was refused acquaintanceship. I was a solitary because I refused it. + +But what I refused in the streets by day, I could not sleep for seeking +when I lay down at night. What I sought I did not and do not know; I was +only conscious of a hunger within myself that, not being satisfiable by +the eye-profferings and other partial prettinesses of the crowd, were +never offered that sustenance. I have heard this hunger described as a +Divine Discontent, but that is to beg a question of some magnitude. It +might be a very different thing from that. It might just conceivably be +an Infernal Discontent. Or it might, in the case of a man who regarded +neither God nor devil--But I wander. This, I say, was my dream, and I +shared it with no sensualist. + +Of course you have already guessed why I say all this ... guessed what +happened. Between the commonnesses under the street lamps which I +spurned, and those dreams that were ever unseizably beyond my most +ardent reaching forth, I fell in love with Evie Soames. + + * * * * * + +There are, I know, men in whom a grim and uncompromising aspect is so +richly compensated for by other gifts that, like John Wilkes, they may +fairly brag that with fifteen minutes' start they would out-distance in +a woman's favours the most regular-featured buck in London. Therefore +(if I may use a "therefore" without egregiousness) it troubled me little +that Miss Windus, not to speak of her two companions, Miss Causton and +Miss Levey, found me unattractive. In that coin I could have repaid her, +had I wished, with interest. Since I did not wish, my attitude was one +of fully-armed reserve. All three of these women seemed to me to be for +ever proclaiming, if not in words, yet in everything but words, that +men, _as_ men, have worldly opportunities given them by a sort of +favouritism, and as a kind of present for their circumspection in +getting themselves born men--as if in this world either men or women +ever got anything they were not quick enough or strong enough or callous +enough to seize for themselves. Miss Windus in especial, a +sharp-featured woman of twenty-eight, with apertures like little scalene +triangles out of which her eyes peered with an expression quizzical and +weak and yet perky and self-confident at the same time (as if she was +saying perpetually to herself, "We may as well hear what _this_ one has +to say for himself!") struck me as being the final word in +self-importance and inefficiency. + +The top-heavy little Jewess, Miss Levey, was a very broker for gossip +and tattle, and the remarks she occasionally made about others to me +were quite enough to warn me that she would make equally free with +myself to others. Both she and Miss Windus seemed to shout aloud the +very sex-difference the existence of which they seemed at the same time +to be denying. They "could not think of giving trouble" when one or +other of the forty men placed a chair or adjusted a light or carried a +Remington for them; but they would have known how to show their sense +of the absence of such attentions all the same. + +I do not know that Miss Causton pleased me very much more, but she at +any rate moved with a wonderful physical harmonious grace and flow. If +one might judge from her hands and wrists (a business certificate on +which she ever bestowed the most sedulous care) she did not come from +quite the same social level as the other two--was, perhaps, the daughter +of a doctor who had married his house-keeper, or of a decent governess +whose decency had not prevented her from running off with a groom; but I +made no attempt to unravel either this riddle or any other that her +rather contemptuous grey eyes might contain. The attitudes she took in +reaching down a book from a shelf or passing her arm about the waist of +one of the other girls when they assembled for gossip were all I wanted +of her, and those began and remained a purely ęsthetic satisfaction. + +Therefore there could hardly have been a more complete contrast than +there was between these apparently a-sexual yet in reality excessively +sex-conscious women and my delicate unawakened Evie Soames. She made no +more difficulty about giving me a "Good-evening," or "Good-night" than +she did with the rest of the world; and though for a long time our +speech stopped at that, it was yet as much as I had with any other +woman whomsoever. That I should get even thus much of what everybody +else in the world seemed to get as a matter of course came so gently and +softly over me that I did not dream of a worse misery that might lurk +hidden within it, and in those early days of my love a mother would not +have fought more wildly for her babe than I would have turned on any who +had offered to come between me and even this sparse sweetness that had +come for the first time into my life. + + +III + +The events I am now about to relate occurred during those early days, +while I was still content to possess my dreams, as if as long as I +closed my eyes the world would stand still about me. + +One November night, as the series of lectures on Method was drawing to a +close, I returned with Archie Merridew to his rooms, silent, but +exceedingly happy. The cause of my happiness will not greatly excite +you, it had been no more than Evie's "Good-night, Mr Jeffries," given me +as I had waited on the stairs of the college for young Merridew, who had +lingered behind to ask Weston something or other. + +I had heard them coming down from the landing above, and, looking up, +had seen the trail of Miss Causton's long grey coat and Miss Windus's +blue and green plaid skirt and her gloved hand on the shaky old rail. I +ought to say that the western-most of the three pillars of bow windows I +have mentioned as forming the Holborn frontage of the college was the +one that lighted the various floors of the staircase, and if parties had +ever been given in that old house before it had got quite so old, it is +odds that the embrasure in which I had just then been standing, that of +the first floor, had held a few palms in pots and a couple of figures on +its low window-seat many a time. But that night it had only held myself, +waiting in the shadow shaped like a coffin-shoulder that the globeless +gas of the landing cast. + +I had heard Miss Windus's little smothered exclamation. "_Oh!..._ That +man!" but instantly she had gone on talking in a higher voice. Certainly +she had had reasonable colour for the pretence that she had not seen +me--had I not happened to hear her exclamation. + +And if I had heard it, so, of course, had Evie. + +"Good-night, Mr Jeffries," Evie had said as she had passed me, and Miss +Windus also, as if suddenly discovering me, had given me quite a bright +"Good-night!" Miss Causton also had given me a languid, almost insolent +smile. + +I was happy. I should probably have taken myself and my happiness off +somewhere had it not been that that evening I had made use of Archie's +bath, and had left in his place, besides that paper parcel I have +mentioned, a notebook of which I had need. So I had returned with +Archie, and, not intending to stay, had yet sat down, overcoated as I +was, before his fire. + +"Better take your coat off for a bit," Archie said. "I'd like a squint +at your notes too, if you're not in a hurry." + +The notes were part of our preparation for the examination in Method +which was to be held shortly before Christmas. I threw apart, but still +did not remove my coat, and Archie took up my notebook and read as he +stood. Presently, feeling for a chair with his foot, he sat down, still +reading the notes. + +He looked up from time to time, but the questions he put barely +interrupted my reverie. I stared at the fire in the pretty old-fashioned +grate. He had no gas up there; his cardboard lamp-shade, green outside +and a little heat-browned inside, stood on a chenille-clothed table; and +he had given the shade a tilt for his convenience in reading. Thus the +fireplace end of the room lay in a sort of irregular parabola of +illumination. There were bright circles on the ceiling above the chimney +of the lamp; then came spaces of cosy gloom; and below, in the pleasant +light, were his arm-chairs, his small book-shelf, and, the rail of it +catching the firelight, his high perforated brass fender. In the middle +of a great cam of light that lay over the dimity-papered wall between +his sitting and bed rooms, his dressing-gown, hanging from a hook in the +bedroom door, made a grotesquely human-shaped shadow. + +By-and-by, with the book on his knee and his eyes still fixed on it, +Archie began mechanically to unlace his boots. I looked up as he +reached for his slippers, and then resumed my reverie. + +I was glad that Kitty Windus, whether she realised it or not, had been +made the subject of an innocently awkward little snub. I couldn't stand +the woman. I couldn't stand it that, ignoring my existence when she +could, she spoke to me, when she did speak, with a false vivacity that +only enhanced the effect of her passing over at other times. And lest +you should think I was wasting my detestation on a rather insignificant +object, I must ask you again to remember what my days were. The whole +Scheme of Things seemed to be against me; but there is not much relief +to be had from taking a blind fling at the Scheme of Things. A man with +a grudge against the world will be very likely indeed to take that +grudge out of the nearest person. I was not prosperous enough to have +much time to waste on human charities. So, in my resentful hours, I took +it mercilessly out of one against whom, in my calmer moments, I had no +grudge except that she was not a thousand miles away. And if she had +been a thousand miles away, I should have vented my bitterness on +somebody else. I had to get rid of it somehow. + +But if my thoughts gave Miss Windus more of this than she fairly +deserved, perhaps Evie Soames got more in another sort than she deserved +either. There was not one of the few stray graces and sweetnesses I had +ever known that did not accrete to and abide about the thought of her. +No generous emotion, no human impulse I had ever experienced, but came +with adoration and rich gifts with which to exalt her. In my heart I +lighted tapers about her image. I did not ask myself whether she had +supplanted my dreams, existed side by side with them, or was indeed my +dreaming made truth. I did not wonder what she might have been in +another man's dreaming, nor whether, apart from the dreaming of some +man, she existed spiritually at all. I only knew that the fire inside +Archie Merridew's fender was not warmer than that central warmth that +seemed to steal (as if there also some bud-sheath had yielded) about my +heart as I pictured again her sapling-straight figure, the flash of her +turning eyes on the landing, and the tone in which she had bidden me +good-night three quarters of an hour before. I leaned back as it were in +some longed-for luxurious resting-place of the heart. I do not know the +origin of the tears that gathered in my eyes. + +Suddenly Archie threw the book on to the table and stretched himself. He +gave a yawn and put his feet on the fender. + +"Oh, I'm sick of work for to-day!" he said. "When are you going to start +smoking?" he added as he drew out a cigarette-case. + +I answered something or other--it didn't matter what, since my lovely +moment had gone with the breaking in of his voice. + +"Oh, well!..." he laughed, lighting up. Then, glancing at the blowing +end before throwing his match into the fender, he said: "I say--what a +jolly sort of girl that Miss Soames seems to be!" + +As the cold of a spring night freezes the newly mounting sap of a tree, +so I felt some sweet and vigorous change suddenly arrested in my heart. + +"Wh-who?" I said. I had to make two attempts at it. + +He laughed. + +"Oh, of course--I forgot, girls don't interest you. Like your not +smoking, I suppose. Hadn't noticed there were any girls at the +college--only see text-books and Remingtons.... Well, not to spring it on +you too suddenly, there _are_ four girls there, three of 'em rather +sticks, but the fourth a ripper. What a rum chap you are!" he concluded +with another laugh. + +He had drawn his chair still closer to the fire, and now sat with his +feet, not on the fender, but half-way up one of the pilasters that +supported the chimneypiece. As he kicked off one slipper and began to +warm one small foot on the iron-work just inside the pilaster, his +profile was turned to me; but I didn't at first risk stealing a look at +it for fear of meeting his eyes. Stealthily, however, and moving my head +as little as possible, I did so. It was a pretty profile--fair curly +hair thick on the crown, his head rather high at the back and of a long +shape to the chin, good nose, pleasantly curved mouth--the head of a +decent enough but quite unremarkable youngster of twenty-two. He was +neatly dressed in a grey stripe, and wore a black-bound red waistcoat +with brass buttons. I say he was decent enough, and so he was: I knew he +knew the taste of whiskey, but don't think he drank it very often. "Good +wholesome beer," he used to say with an air of experience, "was more his +mark"; but even then I think the experience was more that of his +companions than his own. You wouldn't have said there was much harm in +him, and he would probably have to spend his allowance unwisely once or +twice before he learned to spend it wisely. + +I made the moving of my chair an excuse for getting him better under +observation. + +"Oh yes, awfully jolly," he repeated, blowing a plume of smoke through +which the firelight shone rustily. "Fun ... no end of fun ... +rather!..." + +Then he smiled, and the smile came and went and came again as he smoked. + +I don't know why, up to that moment, I had never thought of it--never +thought of how it might already be or might presently become. I suppose +the reason was that a man cannot hold the commerce I held with dreams +without to some extent losing his touch of actuality. But now, at last, +I was awake enough.... As if the room had turned colder I pulled my coat +a little more closely about me. + +It was not then that that heart of mine, which I have likened to a bud +suddenly arrested in the moment of its unfolding, became more likenable +to a grenade with its fuse waiting exposed for the spark that should +bring destruction.... + +But I was quite calm. For the matter of that, I am never anything else +when it comes to the point. My angers have served their purpose when +they have brought me to the point. I _use_ anger.... Therefore, though I +knew already that three careless words of his had opened an immeasurable +abyss between us, I was able to speak to him without a tremor, from my +chair at one side of his hearth to him in his own at the other. + +"You mean Miss----What's her name?" + +"Soames," he informed me. "You know--that young girl--you must have seen +her.... Yes, full of fun.... I laughed.... I did laugh!" + +From the way in which he still laughed there must have been a specific +occasion for his mirth. I knew of none such. I wished to know, however, +and I also wished to know what he meant by "fun." Young men mean so many +things by "fun," and it--But I stifled something within my breast almost +before it was born there. When I spoke, my voice was as steady as it has +ever been in my life; but the devil, watching a soul that hesitates on +the point of sin, does not watch more closely than I watched that fair +boy with the cigarette dangling from his upper lip. + +"Ah, yes, I've seen her.... _Pretty, too_," I hinted. + +But he put, if he heard, her prettiness aside. He chuckled again. + +"I went last Sunday to the Zoo, you know," he said. "They were spending +the week-end in town--my folks. And I saw her there. Or rather, I didn't +see her at first, it was Mumsie who saw her. 'I think there's somebody +you know,' she says to me, and I looked, and there she was, bowing to +me. Then up came pater--he'd dropped behind somewhere--and blest if he +didn't know her aunt--she lives with her aunt--they have rooms in Woburn +Place. So we all went round together.... I started the fun by saying how +like old Weston the secretary bird was; so we went round looking for +likenesses--raked up everybody we knew----" He stopped, suddenly. + +He wouldn't, had he been a year or two older, have pulled himself up +quite so sharply. It is true he didn't go so far as to colour, stammer, +or bite his lip; but his meaning, or his inadvertence, or whatever you +like to call it, could hardly have been plainer had he done all these +things. An anecdote was related to me not so very long ago by an agent I +employ to advise me in my picture-buying. It was of the most sardonic of +our caricaturists, and this merciless artist had (so the story ran) +refused to caricature a certain person, giving as his reason that, while +a vain or over-praised or too consciously handsome face was fair game +for his ironic pencil, a face already heavily visited by nature went +free. But for Archie Merridew's sudden embarrassed check I might have +imagined that _my_ own visage might have gone free also. It is, after +all, not repellent. I bear quite a strong resemblance to at least one +public man whose photographs appear in the illustrated papers--a +distinguished scientist. My stature is the most striking thing about me, +and if your humour takes that turn you can find remote suggestions of +any number of people at the Zoo. + +I made, however, no sign, and he, judging his clumsiness to have passed +unnoticed, went on: + +"Funny the pater knowing her aunt like that, wasn't it? Rather fun +though. Mumsie said she must come down to Guildford for a few days and +stay with us; if she does I shall go home that week-end--you bet!" + +My answer gave me no pain. It came, I think, out of just such an +automatic reflex as causes an "opening" in conversation to call forth +its own obvious reply. It would have been more marked not to say it than +to say it, and as I am telling you, in my state of still tension it +didn't hurt. + +"Oh!" I said. "And when does one congratulate you?" + +"What d'you mean?" he asked. + +"Why, on your engagement." + +Instantly I knew I had said the right thing. There was nothing either +false or forced about the little exclamation he made, half scoff, half +laugh. His face was clear as crystal. By "fun" he meant, simply, mere +physiological laughter, the bubbling-up of the high spirits of his +years. Human resemblances at the Zoo are quite enough to call up this +purely functional giggling. She was "fun" (the odds were a thousand to +one) as his sister might have been fun; with a certain freshness and +sense of discovery perhaps, but otherwise not very differently. In spite +of the sequel, I still think I am right in making this statement. + +"Don't be an idiot!" he said.... "I say, Jeff, I couldn't quite make out +that about indexing and cross-references to-night. Did he mean that the +cross-references are a sort of double entry for when the subjects +overlap, or what?" + +But there was still something I wished to verify. + +"Who?" I asked. "The--secretary bird?" + +This time I think he did colour faintly, but as he had swung his legs +down from the fireplace and was reaching for my notebook again I could +not be quite sure. + +"Pass me the book," I said. + +For the next quarter of an hour I gave him as collected and lucid an +explanation of his difficulties as if I had had no other care in the +world. Then I lifted myself up. I buttoned my coat, put the notebook +into my pocket, and briefly recapitulated what I had told him. + +"Thanks, awfully," he said gratefully, when I had finished. "You are a +brick. _You_ ought to give the lectures instead of old Weston. I'm sure +if I pass this exam it will be all you. Must you go?" + +"Must." + +"Well--so long--I think I'll make a few notes myself before I forget +again." + +And, still master of myself, I left him arranging papers and feeling in +his inkstand for a pen. + + +IV + +I do not know but what I might still have retained control of myself +when I got out into the street again; I do not know, because I didn't +try. Instead, no sooner had I got away from him than I went temporarily +all to pieces. I remember I passed up Charlotte Street and turned into +Mecklenburgh Square; and there I leaned against the railings of the +garden that occupies the middle of the Square. I stood with my shoulder +against them, looking stupidly down at my feet. There was a thin and +melancholy mist; the lights of the boarding-houses and nursing-homes of +the east side of the Square struggled through it with difficulty, and +presently I found that my foot was playing absently with a few sodden +plane-tree leaves that had drifted against the kerb. + +Slowly, as I stood there, my stupidity gave place to a dull anger. I +don't think it was anger against anybody in particular; it was as +objectless as it was useless and exhausting. But if you have had that +gall in your mouth that makes all the world taste bitter, you will +understand my miserable rage. This changed presently to a shivering, +weeping rage The wide portalled door of a house opposite opened, and a +servant-girl came down the shallow steps to post a letter; I daresay she +supposed I was unwell or a drunkard; and a passer-by might have +concluded that I had an assignation with her, or had just had a quarrel. + +Then, when I had had a little ease of my anger, I pulled myself together +and banished it again. Now that I had come, tardily enough, out of my +fool's paradise of the past weeks, I had other things than purposeless +anger to think of. I moved away from the railings; the maid, returning +from the posting of her letter, quickened her steps to avoid me; and I +walked slowly northeastward through the Square. + +Quickly I became calmer still. Soon I was calm enough to recognise that +I needed this. "What," I said ironically to myself, thunder-struck at a +thing so very surprising! "Did you think that because your head was in +the clouds ... come, come, you'd better look at the thing; you mayn't +have any too much time, you know; if I were you I'd take a walk and +think it out." + +I turned into Grays Inn Road, and began to take my own advice. + +While I had no reason to suppose that she had fallen in love with him, I +knew almost for a certainty that he had not with her. He was not at +that stage yet. Already he was nibbling at other pleasures, and with a +youngster of his kind one or two nibbles mean three or four. They may +even mean ten or twelve. So far so good. I was still in time. I was, in +fact, so far beforehand that, of the three of us, I was probably the +only one who knew, not what had happened (which was nothing) but what +might happen--which was everything. That I took for the starting-point +of my consideration. + +And I saw that that, at the outset, was an enormous advantage to me. Not +only could I watch events, but I could watch them to infinitely better +purpose that I knew what to look for. They, when it came--the "it" I had +in my mind--(I ought rather to say did I suffer it to come) would not, +in the bewildering wonder of it, know what had overtaken them; while I, +by a timely use of care and skill, might even turn to advantage those +disadvantages of mine which, huge as a church, might have been deemed to +outweigh everything else. No more perfect cover for hidden motion could +have been devised than I already possessed. Who suspects, of anything, +one whom to suspect would on the face of it be absurd? I could, did I +find this necessary, use practically the whole of my conspicuous life +and narrow circumstances as a screen. + +I reached the top of Gray's Inn Road, crossed to St Pancras Station, +and, following the line of coal merchants' offices on the left side of +the road, plunged into the shadows of the Somers Town arches. It was +there that I thought of another thing that I must interrupt my +meditation to acquaint you with. + +You may have wondered why, if all young Merridew said about my brains +was true, I had still, after some years as an agency clerk at Rixon Tebb +& Masters', not been able to get away from the place. Well, the answer +to that is involved in a hundred other things that have ended, after +fifteen years, in my now being able to write this chapter of my personal +history at a great square mahogany and leather writing-table, with two +softly-shaded electric standards upon it, and, containing it, a lofty +panelled study, rich and quiet, with a carpet soft as thymy turf and my +pictures and carvings and cabinets mirrored in floor-borders, brown and +deep as the pools of my Irish trout stream. You do not want the whole of +that long story. I will tell you as much as is necessary here. The rest +I may tell at some other time. + +The truth was that I _had_ left Rixon Tebb & Masters'--had left the +place, and had achieved the seeming miracle of being permitted to +return. Such a marvel was without precedent, and I cannot say that it +had been accomplished altogether by my own contrivance. I said a little +while ago that there were eight of us, had over in a lump from the +agency; I also said that only by way of the junior clerkship was any +advancement possible from that slavery of addressing envelopes that +might have been for company circularisation or might have been sent over +in shiploads to the Flushing and Middleburg book-makers for all we knew; +and I had had the signal luck--I forgot this when I said that luck had +always passed me by on the other side--to present myself for +reappointment, without any hope whatever of getting it, at the very +moment when Polwhele had succeeded to this post. + +How Polwhele had chanced to be occupied as he had been occupied when I +had presented myself I understand only too well. Sneaking, prying, +slandering, peaching--you didn't become Rixon Tebb & Masters' junior +clerk without having been through the mill of all this and more. Poor +worm, he had got so used to it that he couldn't help it. Having attained +to the junior clerkship, he was going to work up through the seniors by +the same means, I suppose, and the means he had been making use of, at +the moment of my coming upon him, had been the furtive rummaging of a +waste-paper basket that had come--I knew this by the pattern of it--from +Mr Masters' private office. + +It had been, of course, the perfect opportunity for me, who was subdued +to sneaking and peaching also. I had leaned my elbow on the brass rail +of a tall desk and stood looking down on him--such a long way down it +seemed--he was on his knees. + +"Hallo, Polwhele!" I had suddenly said. "Going to put Samson Evitt out +of business?" And then I waited to see how he took it. + +I don't suppose you've ever heard of Samson Evitt. He has been a +solicitor; at that time he described himself as a waste-paper dealer; +and what he really did, and for all I know does still, was to buy up, +through a hundred miserable agents, and on the chance of coming upon +some private letter or secret draft, the contents of such receptacles as +Polwhele's fingers had been deep in at that moment. + +"Going to start in Samson's line, are you, Polwhele?" + +The colour of his face had changed as swiftly as that of the electric +advertisement opposite my bedroom at King's Cross. He had gone as white +as chalk. I had known perfectly well that he wasn't going to sell +anything to Samson Evitt, but was merely playing his own hand with the +firm; but he'd had no business at all with Mr Masters' waste-paper +basket, and knew it. It had been rather horrible, but I had known I was +as good as reinstated already. + +"I'm coming back, Polwhele," I had said. + +He had not spoken--only looked at me with eyes full of terror. + +"You're going to see that I come back, Polwhele," I had informed him. + +"My God, Jeffries, you wouldn't have the heart." + +"Oh no--not as long as I come back." + +Then swiftly he had seen his years of shifts and meannesses all wasted +unless.... + +"Oh my God! How can I do it?" he had groaned. + +"I don't know, Polwhele." + +I did not know, nor do I know now how he did it. Men do impossible +things when they've got to. That had been on a Friday evening, at a +quarter to seven (the zeal of a new junior clerk always kept him after +the others had gone). I had given him Monday in which to see to it. On +the Tuesday morning, at nine o'clock, I had been back at my envelope +addressing again. These things have to be done sometimes. And I need +hardly add that now Polwhele would have turned up at my funeral with a +smile on his lips and a nosegay in his buttonhole. + +Of the period between my leaving Rixon Tebb & Masters' and my return +thither I will not speak. You may guess at the nature of its experiences +from the fact that I was thankful to get back to my lists and addresses +again. + +It would have surprised my fellow-clerks, who saw in me one as listless +as themselves, to learn with what unresting energy I had worked since +then. I had resolved that my next leap from that frying-pan should not +be into the fire, and the means by which I was making sure of this was +the Business College in Holborn. I knew my great natural gifts and the +power that smouldered within me, but I had also learned, and in a school +where the lessons were well driven home, that power and natural gifts +were, for a man in my position, practically worthless unless they were +supplemented and guaranteed. I had got to get myself certificated. + +I don't know what certificates have come to mean nowadays, sometimes, I +fear, very little. They seem to me to have lowered the standard with the +utmost recklessness. I would not, in my own business, give a pound a +dozen for some of these artificially achieved successes that are offered +to me almost every day in the week, and it causes me no surprise +whatever when I see the highly certificated also unemployed.... But it +was rather different then. Once more I have forgotten my luck and railed +at the goddess. It was my luck to be certificated while certificates +still had a value, and for a year and a half I had drifted through my +occupation by day but worked with an almost demoniac energy by night in +order that I might not miss a single one of these tickets of +authenticity that it was possible for me to obtain. A First Honours in +Method would now complete my equipment. + +And, looking back now, I wonder how much superstition there was in it +that I wanted all the changes I was planning to come at once. For I +meant that the break, when it did come, should be clean and final. As +long as I remained with Rixon Tebb & Masters' my wretched single room at +King's Cross was quite good enough for an agency clerk; when I left +Rixon Tebb & Masters' I would leave those quarters also. Until then, I +don't think you could have dragged me out, so strongly had I this +feeling. Superstition or what you like, it had, for me, the force of a +large and wise, if not yet fully worked out strategy. They tried, of +course, at the Business College in Holborn, just as they are now trying +at the new place in Kingsway, to teach us this larger generalship of +waiting, withholding, massing, concentration, and then the swift +development and advance; but I don't think it was much good. You don't +get these things in return for so many guineas a year in fees. But I +felt their stirrings then.... I hope I have made it plain that neither +at the place in Kingsway, nor in my sordid lodgings over the +public-house, nor under the arches of Somers Town that night, was I +wasting my time. + +And now, like a match to all that I had prepared and was preparing, had +come the kindling thought of Evie Soames. + +I remember I walked to Hampstead that night, revolving it all. Walking +always steadies me, and by the time I had reached the Lower Heath the +mechanical calculators at the new place in Kingsway do not work more +coldly and mathematically than my brain had begun to work. The +advantages I possessed, which had been the first thing to rush into my +head, I allowed for the present to take care of themselves; I now +envisaged my disadvantages. + +You may imagine that these were terrifying.... I counted them, and was +unable to check my groans when, thinking I had come to the end of them, +yet another sprang up, stabbing me as it were from behind. They might +almost have been veritable assassins, springing out from behind the dark +bushes and copses near the Vale of Health among which I wandered.... +Think of them! Think of them! + +They, he and she, were of an age, or nearly; I seven years the senior of +the elder of them. They met on three days a week at the college, met +doubtless to snigger together over their "fun," only on three evenings +could I see her. Her people apparently knew his; she would go down to +Guildford, and my fancy might picture them, together there, taking +walks, telling stories over the fire, laughing at chance resemblances at +the Zoo. And all this time I should not cease for a moment to labour at +that garden of my ambition above the brown mould of which not a green +shoot yet showed. How (you must remember I was desperately facing the +worst that could happen and not the best)--how could they help but fall +in love? What would it be possible for me to do but to discover the +thing after it had happened? And when it had happened, what was there +then to be done? + +But I need not force all this upon you. You will see for yourself. Look +at it, then, and tell me where you would have conceived the odds to +lie--with my possibly large-planning but certainly slow-executing brain, +or with them and their opportunities and luck and gifts of circumstance +and nature, demolishable singly perhaps, but well-nigh invincible in the +sum of them? + +I weighed it as I strayed and stubbled about the benighted Heath. + +I returned from Hampstead at three o'clock in the morning. My horror of +red and green had long since been switched off, and I got into bed +during the only quiet interval that noisy and populous corner ever knew. +I had now balanced advantages and disadvantages together, and was +recapitulating the whole. Examining, setting aside, bringing forward +again to re-examine in other aspects, setting aside again, checking, +dismissing, estimating--my brain worked like a ticking instrument. +Clocks struck, but still I pondered; and I was as free from anger now +as if it had been another, not I, who had sought the support of the +railings in Mecklenburgh Square. + +And there dominated all my machination the single thought, that by no +slip or carelessness or overlooked detail must they be made aware that +I was watching them as a masked thief watches the uneasy sleeper upon +the bed. + + +V + +It was at Rixon Tebb & Masters' that I first began to know jealousy, or +at least the image of it. I find I must say a little more about this +place in which I spent my days at that time. + +I have said that Polwhele hated me; but nobody loved anybody else at +Rixon Tebb & Masters'. I have worked in offices that have been not bad +fun at all; offices where the fellows formed a sort of family, as they +did afterwards at the Freight & Ballast Company, with something not +unlike the family bond, the family jokes, and an interchange each +morning of the adventures of the night before not unlike the exchange of +items of news from letters about a family breakfast-table; but there was +nothing like that at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. There, one of us could +scarcely glance up over the little brass rail at his desk-head without +seeing, across the spaces where the green porcelain cones of the +incandescents hung, another furtive pair of eyes meeting his own and +looking almost guiltily away again. If the partners despised us for our +cringing before them they were right; we were a despicable set. I don't +think a friendship was ever struck up in the place. We hated, if for no +other reason, than because each of us knew his neighbour to be as +contemptible as he knew himself to be. + +It was in this atmosphere that I wrapped myself about with the thought +of Evie Soames. My routine work taxed my attention little; I could do it +as well as it needed to be done and live a whole free inner life at the +same time; and I was sometimes actually startled when, looking up after +some lapse and interim in which I had seen nothing but the shape of +Evie's birch-like neck and the brilliant motion of her eyes, I saw the +crafty gaze of a fellow-clerk on my face. Once I met Sutt's eyes in this +way; I knew his thought, namely, that he surmised the nature of mine; +and he smiled, a mean sort of smile. He didn't smile twice, though, +while I was there. I don't mean that I said or did anything, but I think +he knew what my look meant.... All the same there got about the +office--or rather about the corners and lavatories and behind screens, +for it never came nearer to me than that--the only joke I remember ever +to have been born there--the joke that Jeffries had all the appearance +of a man in love. I took the hint. Thenceforward, as far as I might, I +did not allow the faintest flicker of an emotion to cross my face. And +more than ever was I on my guard lest I should do so in a place where it +would have mattered more than it did at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. + +Then, long before I knew of any valid grounds for them, and before a +brain less prospectively active than mine would as much as dreamed of +them, came these jealousies. Perhaps, like my occasional angers and like +that secret fragrant flame of my love, they were emotions at large, +unattached to any person but bound sooner or later to become so +attached, and already seeking a quarter in which to alight. + +They wrung my heart. Hot flushes and rages sometimes came upon me with +no warning whatever. Sometimes in the middle of a column of figures or a +twelve-inch-high stack of addresses, a devil would slyly lift its +head--the thought that while I sat there polishing my trousers on a tall +stool and the wrist of my sleeve on my desk, he and my Evie +were--where?... I have in a remarkable degree that most precious and +most hideous of gifts, the gift of mental visualisation, at these times +it would have its way with me. I would see them in those moments where I +would and engaged how I would. Well nigh as clearly as I see the page +before me, I would see him, long boyish head and fair curly hair, red +waistcoat and cigarette, and turned-up trousers and all, now making +pretexts that something was wrong with her typewriter, now carrying a +specimen ledger for her, now choosing for himself a place from which he +could watch her, or even passing on to her the explanations of knots +and difficulties he had had the previous evening from myself. My fancy +(my reason at these times its helpless slave) would dog them--past the +general room into the lecture-room--thence to the back room where the +charts and apparatus were kept--thence back again through the lecture +room into the shorthand and typewriting and senior class rooms, and so +throughout every corner behind our three Holborn bow windows. There were +times when I used all my powers of concentration to see one of them +without the other, and failed.... And then the fit would pass and my +steady reason would reassert itself. I would tell myself I was a fool to +thrust knives into myself thus. She was merely that touchingly opening +fair young tree; and as for him, if his young male swaggerings in the +pride of his twenty-two years included any knowledge of girls at all, +they were probably girls of a very different class from hers. + +Then would come the other damnable series again, and the sweat would +stand on my brow. + +No wonder Sutt looked. + +Yet I am not sure that, for the sake of certain purely heavenly hours, I +would not go through it all again. Would you suppose that in that +five-shilling room of mine, where I had to flatten myself against the +wall before I could take my clothes off unseen--or as I dined on +sausage and mashed at my reeking "pull-up"--or as I roamed the pavements +in search of the physical exhaustion that should bring sleep--would you +suppose that in these places and living this life I could have heavenly +hours? Ah, but I could, and had!... I don't want you to think I am +sentimentalising about it. The public-house downstairs had knocked a +good many ideas about the sanctity of our common humanity out of my +head. I never, in my fourpenny dining-place, looked at the drayman or +porter at the next table and wondered whether he also knew the heights +and abysses I knew. Doubtless he had or had had his own, but all is +_not_ comparative. There _are_ grades in heaven and hell. I knew I stood +out, exceptional, destined, marked for signal honour or for signal +dishonour. I had no desire to persuade anybody else of this. These +things are beyond proof. Attempt to prove them and you but prove their +opposites. + +And so literally was this slender dark creature "my life," that often at +the college itself my resolution all but failed me. More (but not much +more) woman than child, she seemed at these times--what shall I +say?--not a wonder shrunk, but a receptacle strangely slight and tender +for the mighty things preparing for her. At such moments I found myself +looking years ahead--seeing many things over and behind us, and myself, +perhaps, turning my power elsewhere. And that moved me more than all +the rest. For my strength was ever being used for her. Service of her +was the law of it, as I now knew it had been its origin. I sometimes had +ado not to sob, when watching her young head bent over the page of a +text-book, images of great and brooding protection of enfolding and +strong and jealous wakefulness, filled my breast as I looked. I felt in +those moments that for every hair of her head I could have killed a man +and felt no compunction afterwards. + +Evie caused me far more anxiety than Archie did. At all times Archie's +vanities, quite as amusing to watch as those of any young girl, would +blind him to much that lay an inch or two beyond the end of his nose. He +was, moreover, deep in his examination work, and I had no doubt that, +once the examinations were over, he would indulge himself in a mild +little "burst" and flatter his seraphic self he was rather a devil in +his way. But she was more difficult. For one thing, hers was a richer +nature. She had, or would presently have, far more to give; and already +I saw that, as surely as Miss Windus was one of Life's takers, Evie +Soames was one of Life's givers. + +I watched--how I watched!--for the slightest of her unconscious +betrayals; and, of course, by dint of watching I was able to find a +thousand that presently vanished again. I drew trifling tremendous +conclusions from the merest nothings. She could not make a gawky, +captivating little movement but I would found something upon it, not a +pretty coltish gesture but I had my inference to draw. The smile, +perhaps, where lately the laugh would have been--the little check of +recollection, even as she was perching herself with a tomboyish swing on +the edge of a table, that she "was grown-up now"--slight little +ceremoniousnesses, stilted little phrases and momentary forgettings +again--I missed not one of these. My lovely, lovely flapper! Did you +know that you were twenty different creatures in a week, each beyond +words adorable until another swelling nodule yielded and allowed a peep +of a yet inner tender and rosy heart? + +Of course I see now that I was far too clever in all this. I had, in +fact, taken the course that was least of all likely to tell me what I +wanted to know. For, as a face seen daily shows no change and yet grows +relentlessly older, so, because of my watching, she changed under my +eyes and my eyes did not tell me she had changed. I have had in my time +various things to say about "woman's intuition." I, like the rest of us, +have set half of it down as guessing and the other half (the half that +events falsify) as a convenient forgetfulness. Well, I hope I make +amends when I admit now that in all this I owed my final enlightenment +to a woman, and to the woman to whom I would least of all have been +indebted--to Miss Windus. + +It was on a Friday evening that this enlightenment came to me. Fridays +were ever a pain to me, because of the three whole days that must +elapse--five if she failed to appear on the Monday evening--before I +could see Evie again. Believe me, the last minutes of those Friday +evenings always cost me dearly in emotion; and in order that I might +make the most of them I had some time before discontinued a former habit +of mine--that of working in the senior students' classroom. By so doing +I had forestalled any remarks on the fact that I was frequently to be +found in the same room as Evie. And even then I knew I was lucky to +escape Miss Levey's Hebrew intensiveness. + +But on that Friday night I was restless. An absurd trifle had unsettled +me (but I have told you how much such trifles meant to me)--nothing more +than an alteration in Evie's way of arranging her hair. Until then it +had been drawn back and massed in a thick little clump on her nape, +showing beautifully the small round of her head; but now she had parted +it (I did not think altogether more becomingly) in the middle, and had +evidently been making desperate attempts to "wave" it. Certainly the +change gave her at once a more adult air, which I supposed I should get +used to, unless, as was likely, she changed it again in the following +week. Her blouse also was new. It had a high lace collar up to her ears, +and I didn't like it in the least. It was mere concealment, without +concealment's charm. + +I was restless. I had begun the evening by working, for once, in the +senior classroom again; but presently, not happy where I was and not +wishing to go straightway into the lecture-room where Evie sat, I had +compromised by packing up my things and going into the room adjoining +hers--the general room. The reference books were kept in the general +room, and, presently, having need of one of these, I had crossed to the +shelf and taken it down. + +I ought to explain that these books were kept in three projecting bays, +such as one sees in libraries, that stood out at right angles from the +wall. Thus the books of each projecting wing faced both ways and between +the bays there was just room enough for the short library ladder of +three or four steps with the vertical staff to steady yourself by as you +stood on it. As I could easily reach any book there without the ladder, +I had passed the bay that contained it, and had taken up my place on the +farther side of the wing nearest the window, where I stood with the open +book in my hand. I forget what the book was. + +As I stood I heard Miss Windus and Miss Causton come into the adjoining +compartment. + +I had no great interest in either of these women--I may say none, since +I could not see Miss Causton's fluent hand; so, merely noting their +arrival, I was continuing my reading when suddenly I heard the name of +Evie Soames. It was Miss Windus who was speaking. + +"... Oh, I suppose so; in her way, of course--if that's all men want!" +she was saying. "Don't you think?" This with a little acidulous rising +inflection. + +Then I heard Miss Causton's indolent voice in reply. From the way in +which she spoke I fancied she was eating sweets. It had lately struck me +that she ate more sweets than both the other girls together, and if it +wasn't sweets it was something else. + +"Don't ask _me_, my dear," she drawled. "_I_ don't know what the +creatures want." + +"Of course not. They do seem to want such--odd--things. The way I'm +looked at sometimes--I declare it makes me feel perfectly ashamed!" said +Miss Windus. Why she said it I don't know. It was the purest hypocrisy, +and it was not likely to impose on Miss Causton, who had a nonchalant, +still humour of her own.... But on second thoughts I don't know. I was +not always sure, afterwards, when I got to know Miss Windus better, that +she didn't really labour under some such delusion as this. + +"Do they?" Miss Causton asked lazily. "They don't worry me much. So long +ago since I've seen one that I've nearly forgotten." + +There was a short pause, then: + +"Really, they stare so," Miss Windus continued, "look one so out of +countenance--one really doesn't know which way to turn!" + +"No?" came Miss Causton's ironical dawdle. "Oh ... with a chance, my +dear ... _I_ should!" ... I suppose she smiled as she said it. While +appearing to lay herself perfectly open she had far more to hide than +Miss Windus had. + +Miss Windus was shocked. + +"You _dreadful_ girl!... But really Louie, you must have noticed it. +Why, you can see it the moment she comes into the room!" + +"Really?" came the other detached voice. "How quaint!... Who do you +think she's after? Not the Baboon?..." + +I imagined the chuckle I didn't hear. I took it that the Baboon was +myself. + +"Mandrill, my dear," Miss Windus corrected. "You really must take a +memory powder!..." + +"Oh, I call it baboon," Miss Causton remarked with indifference. Then +she laughed.... "How ridiculous you are! He's as big as a man ought to +be anyway----" + +"Oh, quite!" + +"----and I declare you can look at him till he's quite good-looking!" + +"Oh!..." (I could almost see Miss Windus' quizzical eyes.) + +"Really, you are absurd!..." + +There was another short silence. + +"And by the way," Miss Windus next said, "_he's_ been rather--different +somehow--lately, don't you think?" + +Sweets crunched for a moment, then: + +"Different?... Do you mean _he's_ been looking at you in +that--ahem!--dreadful way?" + +"What, _that_ creature!..." + +"Beg yours, dear----" + +"_I_ should think so!... But I fancied he'd been somehow--not quite the +same----" + +"Well, anything for a change, as the song says. Myself, if I found I +couldn't get along without 'em, I should prefer----" + +But a "Sssh!" interrupted Miss Causton. Somebody had come into the +farther bay, and the rest for a time was whispering. + +When next the conversation became audible its tenor did not seem to have +changed. + +"Scented soap in a little celluloid box, too!" Miss Windus admired. + +"One must keep oneself clean," Miss Causton threw off. "Have some of +this, dear. I simply had to have some chocolate nougat to-night!..." + +There was a rustling of tissue paper. + +"Well, it's a sign, and so's her hair-waving and polishing her nails and +that lace yoke," Miss Windus resumed. + +"Oh yes, the pneumonia blouse----" + +"_And_ her heels--_and_ a scent-sachet!..." + +You see that I was quite deliberately listening. I am not putting on any +airs about it. I might have been Polwhele. I wanted to know, so I +listened. I did more than listen too. I watched. I knew that the shelves +were only half full on the other side; only a screen of stout wire +separated the books facing one way from those facing the other; and by +pulling out a book or two on my side I should probably find a +peephole.... Very softly I pulled three or four out, found my opening +and looked. Miss Causton appeared to be standing with her back towards +me; I couldn't see her; but I could see Miss Windus, sitting on the +library ladder holding its short staff, with her plaid skirt pulled +tightly about one carrot-shaped thigh. + +They began to talk again. + +"And another thing that makes me _quite_ sure, dear! She's going to +young Merridew's next week-end!" + +"Oh!..." + +"Don't be absurd. You know what I mean. To his parents', of course; they +live in Guildford.... Not that _she_ told me, oh no! Not her ladyship!" + +"Who did, then?" + +"Not her, though I gave her _every_ chance! Six months ago she'd have +told me like a shot, but we're getting so blessed artful these days!... +He told me." + +"Then it doesn't look as if it _was_ the Baboon?" + +"Oh, I daresay she'll leave you your Baboon if you want him." + +"Thanks. I think I should know which way to turn in _that_ case," Miss +Causton replied evenly. "Coming?" + +And they left the bay together. + +It was by this admirable piece of Rixon Tebb & Masters' work that I +learned what, it appeared, I had been watching too closely to see. + + +VI + +I had intended in any case to spend the remainder of that evening with +Archie Merridew. Mingled with my restlessness there had been a tremulous +sensitiveness that had culminated half-an-hour before in a fit of +satanic pride. Lately (I had decided) it had come to be taken rather too +much as a matter of course that our frequent adjournments after the +evening class should be always to his quarters and never, or hardly +ever, to mine. I had quite enough to bear without further gratuitous +rubs of that kind, and I had resolved that I would make myself his host +that evening though he had lived in a mansion and I in a sty. + +But after what I had so altogether discreditably overheard now I had +fifty other reasons for wishing him to come along with me. Almost every +sentence that had been spoken on the other side of that bay of books had +contained a reason. But I realised that before I could trust myself to +face him I must swallow the anger that crowded thickly into my throat. +There was nothing to gain and everything to lose by letting him see my +rage. So I walked back into the empty senior classroom, there to remain +until I should have got the worst of it over. + +By half-past nine I had got myself in hand. I gathered my work together. +Students were coming to the row of washbowls in the small compartment at +the end of the senior classroom to wash their hands, and Evie gave me +the smile that was to be my nourishment for three whole days as she +passed with her towel and the cake of soap in the new celluloid box. +Archie had been working all the evening in the typewriting-room; now was +my chance, before he could make (supposing him to want to make) any +appointment with her, to secure this myself, and I hurried for my hat +and coat and sought him. + +"Ready?" I said. + +"Right-oh; just a minute," he replied. "I told 'em to keep my fire +in--I'm going to swot like blazes to-night." + +"Oh no--you're coming along with me this time," I laughed. "I shall be +ashamed to show my face at your place much oftener ... unless," I added +lest he should shake me off, "you love me merely for what I have----" + +He laughed too. He was at the young and squab-like stage that takes a +pride in scorning appearances, and even finds the heart more rather than +less honest when the waistcoat over it is shabby. He accepted with quite +a good grace, got his hat and coat, and we went out together, I giving +Miss Windus an unimpeachable "Good-night" as I passed her, hardly a +yard from the spot where I had peeped on her less than an hour before. + +The electrograph opposite my abode was an advertisement of "_Sarcey's +Fluid_," some sort of a disinfectant; and as we approached it Archie +looked up. + +"Phew!... Needs it rather, to-night, doesn't it?" he laughed. + +It did not seem to me to "need it" quite so badly that evening as it had +on some other evenings--warm summer evenings, for example--I had known. +December had come in rawly, and the chestnut stoves and baked-potato +engine were out. The poorer streets have no pleasanter smell than that +of baked potatoes, broken up, sprinkled with salt from the big tin +caster, and closed together again like a South Sea face with a mealy +smiling mouth, and I had slipped a couple of these into my pocket for +our supper. I suppose Archie meant the fried fish papers in the gutters +and (as we entered by my side door) the acrid smell of the public-house; +but it was part of my fiendish pride to rub those things in a little +that evening, and I made light of them as we mounted the stairs. + +"Oh, you're pampered, Master Archie," said I. "I had thought of asking +you round to supper next Saturday evening--not to-morrow, a week +to-morrow--but I think I shall save my hospitality." + +You see what I was already angling for. Well, I caught my fish. Of +course he couldn't take Evie down to his folks at Guildford without my +knowing of it, but I wanted to see the fashion in which he would make +his avowal. We had left the carpeted corner of the stairs that the great +ornamental public-house lamp illuminated brightly and were standing on +the bare landing outside my room. He answered without an instant's +hesitation. + +"Afraid you'll have to, Jeff--twice over," he replied. "I've got to go +down home that week-end; beastly nuisance! I was going with some fellows +over to Richmond--stag-party; but the mater writes that she's asked Miss +Soames, so I suppose I shall have to be there to help out--confound it!" + +I opened my door and let him into the red and green. + +"Oh?" I remarked casually. "Nice change for you. You'll be all the +fitter for the exams. Don't tell _me_ about your stag-parties though. I +know 'em; you'd take jolly good care not to pick the place with the +plainest waitresses for tea, what? _I_ know you!... But if I were you +I'd go steady for a week or two, my boy, that Method paper'll be harder +than you think, I warn you!" + +"I'm watching it!" he replied cheerfully. "By Jove! Jeff, I'd forgotten +what a noisy pitch this of yours is! What on earth makes you stay +here?" + +"Oh, I don't know," I replied carelessly, applying a match to the wick +of my lamp and replacing the chimney. "As I say, you're pampered. The +place is all right. I don't do much except sleep here. It's a bit cold, +though. I'd keep my coat on if I were you----" + +"Wouldn't be much sleep for me here," he remarked, sitting on the edge +of my bed. "I should want a good stiff drink before I slept much in this +racket!" + +As I placed the lamp globe on its brass ring I glanced covertly at him. +It was a green interval, and his face looked as if he stood by a +chemist's window near the big pear-shaped green globe, while his +waistcoat was turned to a black purple, with one brass button gleaming +green as a cat's eye. Then the red came again, and the lamp flame crept +up. I went to the little cupboard where I kept my few cups and saucers +and plates. I filled my kettle at the tap on the landing, put it on the +half-crown oil-stove, and began to prepare our feast. + +In a quarter of an hour it was ready--tea, the baked potatoes, and a +wedge of butter apiece. We ate it, he sitting on my bed, I in my sagging +and string-mended old wicker chair. I saw quite plainly that already he +wanted to be off, and would stay no longer than the barest decency +demanded; but he had got to eat that pauper's meal before I let him go, +and there were my forty-nine other reasons for having got him up there. + +One of these other reasons had, during the last hour, taken complete +shape in my mind. Its consequences would have been impossible to +foresee, but as far as it yet went, I thought it crafty enough. I +filched another look at him; he was burning the roof of his mouth with +hot potato as he lolled against my bed foot; and I judged it time to put +my plan into execution. + +I pushed my own plate away and sank back into my lifeless old wicker +chair. He had turned his coat collar up by this time. My plan kept me +warm. + +"You're a lucky beggar, you know, Archie," I sighed heavily. + +He had moved, to set down his cup of untasted tea on the floor. He +looked up. + +"How?" he asked. + +I settled myself farther back. + +"How!" I repeated almost vindictively. "Don't you call it lucky having a +house and people and so on?" + +"Oh! Everybody has----" he began, but corrected himself. "I mean, I +thought you meant some special luck!" + +"Oh no--just that," I murmured. "Having a place to ask people down to +when you want--that's all." + +He seemed surprised. "Do you mean Miss Soames?" he said. + +"Miss----?" I shook my head absently. "Oh no, I wasn't thinking of Miss +Soames--I was thinking of something quite different." + +He meditated for a moment. + +"You _have_ seemed a bit different lately.... What's up?" he demanded, +looking squarely at me. + +My plan, to which his last words gave a new and unexpected fillip, was +briefly this: + +When, over the case of reference books, I had heard Miss Windus make the +very remark he also had just made--namely, that I had been +"different"--I had had a swift access of alarm. In what particular I had +betrayed myself I didn't know, but I realised very clearly, and doubly +clearly now that the same remark had dropped from Archie himself, that +love and a light cannot be hid, and that if my extreme former care had +not secured me from remark no care I was likely to be able to take for +the future would do so. I had laid myself open, and should do so again. +How was I to cover myself? + +I thought I saw my way. I invite you to consider that way. + +Were I to give it out to Archie--or rather, not so much to give it out +as allow a surmise to dawn on him--that my heart was already pre-engaged +in some carefully unspecified quarter or other, not only would this +"difference," both he and Miss Windus had remarked on, be admitted and +accounted for, but I should at one stroke set myself free from a hundred +other trammels of gossip, past, present and to come. After that avowal +nothing I did would be unaccountable. I should have a definite place in +the general sex-understanding. I should be classed, out of the running, +filed and docketed, totally uninteresting to either Miss Windus or Miss +Causton and rid of the attentions of Miss Levey. + +And I should also--my heart had thrilled suddenly and poignantly as I +thought of this--I should also be admitted at once to privileges. I +should have my share in such freedoms and exemptions as the married man +knows fully and the attached bachelor at least to a probationary extent. +This state of things does by tacit acknowledgment exist. The man who can +say all to one woman can say more than other men to all women. And the +shining immunity I now saw before me would even include what so far I +had had to deny myself--conversation, thus safeguarded, with Evie +herself. + +"By heaven!" my heart now cried within me, "I will do it!" + +And instantly a perfect seething of the cautions and reserves with which +I must do it sprang up in my brain. + +But here was Archie patiently waiting for me to speak. + +"What's up? What the dickens are you talking about?" he asked once more. + +I let my head drop, as a man might who discovers he has said too much. +"Oh, nothing," I replied. + +Archie was just as sharp as--neither more nor less than--I wished him to +be. + +"A lot of fuss about nothing--if it's really nothing," he said +suspiciously. + +The next moment he had looked hard into my face, taken a long breath, +and, suddenly bringing his hand down on his thigh, broken into loud +laughter. + +"By Jove! Jeff--I really believe--let's have a look at you--by Jove! I +really do--_I believe you're in love_! What a----How ripping, I mean! +Best congratulations, old chap--my turn this time--ha ha ha ha!" + +I drew myself heavily up. The kind of thing I was doing has to be done +rather carefully. "Look here, Archie--" I began, trembling between the +wrath I felt and the not-too-much wrath I must appear to display; but he +interrupted me: + +"Well, that's a knock-out! Who'd have dreamed----" + +"Why not?" I demanded sharply. + +"Oh, I didn't mean that!" he made such haste to say that it was plain as +a pikestaff that he had meant precisely "that." + +"I only meant, how surprising--how unexpected. I mean----" + +I frowned. "_Should_ you find it so--if it _were_ so?" + +"Should!" he said, puzzled. "... Isn't it so, Jeff?" + +"No," I replied; but a "No" that so exquisitely contradicted itself that +I gave myself nothing less than admiration for the performance. + +"No?" he echoed. "You're lying, Jeff--you _are_!" he broke out +triumphantly. "I can tell by the way you say it! So _that's_ it! Dashed +if I didn't think there was something!... Who is she, Jeff?" + +But that, as you may suppose, it was no part of my plan to tell. + +Neither was it part of that plan to enjoin either secrecy or the other +thing upon him. That, I thought grimly, might quite safely be left to +take care of itself. "Mandrill, my dear; you really must take a memory +powder!..." I seemed to hear Miss Windus' voice again over the +bookshelves. Oh yes, if he would give currency to that Zoo nonsense he +could be trusted not to keep the richer joke, of Jeffries in love, to +himself! + +For that he and not Evie had been responsible for this pleasantry at +the expense of my appearance I had concluded by a much sounder +process of observation and reasoning than that my love-lorn state +predisposed me entirely in her favour. My watching, a failure in +other respects, had at least succeeded in this respect. And that I +had found had not been without its barb for me. You may remember my +former pathetic gratitude that, while others singled me out for +marked treatment, she alone had not, in the trifling forms and +observances that are the gracious outside of intercourse as distinct +from its inner truth, differentiated me from the rest of the world. +Well, I had made a guess at the reason for that. It was, in a word, +her upbringing. The aunt with whom she lived in Woburn Place had +taught her to "behave nicely," and so on. I could see that education. +Such maxims as that one must not "judge by appearances," that +"handsome is that handsome does," and, generally speaking, the +unexceptional tradition that the "less fortunately circumstanced" +have special claims on superior gentleness and pity, form almost the +whole of it. I, it appeared, was one of these "less fortunately +circumstanced".... Of course nobody was to blame. By-and-by the +amiable aunt would probably go a little further, and teach her that +it is not enough that these unimpeachable precepts should be merely +observed, but that the thought behind them must be concealed as well. +When you treat a poor devil just as if he was anybody else you must +not let it be seen that you do so from perception that he is not.... +Anyway, there it was, and it rather took the shine out of that +"good-night, Mr Jeffries" that had sent me off happy to Archie's +rooms on the evening when I had been so startlingly shaken out of my +fool's paradise. + +Thus I was persuaded, and as it turned out quite rightly, that it had +been young Merridew, and not she, who had allowed his tongue this +licence both on Weston's physical characteristics and my own. + +His cup of tea was still on the floor, and by this time was cold. He +hadn't tasted it, and, his renewed congratulations on what he supposed +to be my blissful state of mind over, was once more fidgeting to be off. +But it was quite at my own pleasure whether I released him or not; I had +the hateful advantage of my baked potatoes and my poverty; and though he +was getting colder moment by moment, being less accustomed to the lack +of a fire than I, I did not spare him. + +"Yes," I remarked musingly by-and-by, as if I had been thinking over a +former remark, "I'd take that Method paper quite seriously if I were +you. Save up your little fling till that's over. Stag-parties and work +don't go together, my son." + +He had a little gleam of perspicacity. "What little fling?" he asked. +"Who said I was going to have one?" + +("Carefully, Jeffries," I cautioned myself.) Aloud I said cheerfully, +"My mistake, Archie--I'm out of the running in these things--I'm rather +a Puritan by necessity, you see. Perhaps I was taking it rather for +granted----" + +He chuckled. "A Puritan by necessity! A Puritan by Miss +Whatever-her-name-is, more like! Do at least tell us if it's anybody we +know, Jeff!" + +But I ignored the latter part of his remark. "Well done, Archie," I +applauded. "I'm glad you see that when a man's got one woman he's no +need for all the others. Stick to that and you're all right." + +And that clinched it. "Well, you've got the pull over me there," he +said. + +I made no reply. + +You need not conclude, unless you wish, that I wanted to start him +straight away to the devil. I couldn't have ensured his arrival at that +destination if I had. But I was prepared to go half way with him if by +so doing I could keep him from getting into paradise by the means I had +reserved for myself. I was doing him no conspicuous harm. He would have +to rub shoulders with the world before long--was already doing so; and I +said no more to him--nay, I said far less--than he would have picked up +for himself in almost any gathering of young men of his own age that he +was likely to find himself among.... So presently, when after (how +shall I put it?)--after having tapped it home that there _was_ the one +woman and also the others, I returned to the examination in Method +again, I was talking as easily as if, his betrayals to Miss Windus +notwithstanding, we had been the best friends in the world. + +"By the way, that's another thing you're lucky in, my boy," I said. "The +exam's in the daytime. I suppose that doesn't convey anything to you." + +"How do you mean?" + +"Well, it means something to me. I shall have to get a day off." + +"Well?" he inquired. + +"Well--it doesn't by any means follow that I shall get it." + +He stared. "You don't mean to say they'd be such skunks as not to let +you off for a day!" he exclaimed. + +I laughed. "Perhaps they won't be such skunks," I remarked. + +"Oh!" he cried, outraged. "They _couldn't_!" + +He was as ignorant about Rixon Tebb & Masters as he was about everything +else in life. + +Presently, with a "Brrr!" and a shiver, he got off my bed. + +"Well, I'm off," he said. "I didn't intend to come round, and I'm going +back to swot." + +I heaved myself up from my chair. "Must you? Well, wait a moment--I'll +come down with you----" + +Before I turned down my lamp, filling the room with the red and green +again, I noticed his untouched cup of tea on the floor. I made no remark +on it, but as I preceded him down the narrow stairs I found myself +suddenly filled with a curiosity as to whether I guessed rightly what +was passing in his mind. I had made my shot, and was as interested to +know whether it was a true one as if I had had a bet on it. + +Where the great public-house lamp shone brightly through the landing +window the stairs branched, one flight descending to the side door by +which we had entered and the other leading to the back bar of the +public-house. It was as we reached this bifurcation that I found I had +guessed rightly. + +"I say," he said, "I'm beastly cold! Come this way and have a drink!" + +I shook my head. + +"Not here," I said. "Not on my own premises, so to speak. If you don't +mind my having something thin I'll come over the way with you." + +"Anywhere," he said, with another shiver. + +There was another public-house just beyond the _Sarcey's Fluid_ +advertisement. We crossed and entered it. + +"Rum--hot!" he called familiarly, peering under the frame of pivoted +glass panes and flipping on the counter with a florin to attract the +barmaid's attention. "Come along, Flossie--hurry up!... What's your +poison, Jeff?" + +He had his rum hot; but I drank nothing stronger than peppermint. + + +VII + +His incredible gaucheries apart, I had no reason for hating him. One +does not hate a youngster seven years one's junior merely because he is +a mass of inexperience and self-sufficiency. Once again my hate was +really a hatred of the whole dreary circumstances of my life, and, when +I saw this concentrating stormily over young Merridew's head, I made +attempt after attempt to divert it. I swear to you I made these +attempts. I made them first of all to save him from a contest so unequal +as one with my wrath must be; and if I made them later so that I myself +should not be merely the slave of that wrath, I still made them. And all +the time, as I say, so long as he did not stand in my way, it was a +matter of indifference to me whether he took the upward path or that +which led downhill to perdition. + +Unfortunately I was in love, and no man in love can stand by the rules +that he knows ought to govern his conduct. Those jealousies I have +spoken of as torturing me at Rixon Tebb & Masters' shook me in spite of +myself. When I felt their approach I took care to give young Merridew a +wide berth; and I confess that in sometimes letting these fits have +their way with me I found an abominable ease. Away from him, my heart +was filled with rage and revilings; but these very outbreaks enabled me +at other times to meet him with a smile on my lips and a welcome in my +eyes. Once I had got rid of the over-plus of my rage I could almost have +persuaded myself of my affection for him. + +So I alternated, as the red and green of my apartment alternated; and +perhaps the red seemed redder and the green greener by the mere force of +the contrast. I continued to walk home frequently with him after the +class, to share his supper frequently, and to be obliged to him for my +necessary bath. + +I very soon learned that in the matter of my reputed being in love he +had done exactly what I had intended he should do--had whispered the +news about the college. It required no further eavesdropping to tell me +that; I felt it in the altered air. I saw the knowledge peering through +the little scalene triangles of Miss Windus' eyes, saw it in the looks +of sleepy and amused curiosity with which Miss Causton favoured me. The +latter lady, indeed, sometimes positively alarmed me, for the glances I +suffered when I chanced to enter a room in which she was at work held +incalculable things, and I no longer dared to look at her own amused and +supercilious eyes, her fascinating hands, or that foot beneath the hem +of her dress, fine and slender as a violin. And with the least +encouragement Miss Windus would, I knew, have sought my company, and, +lacking an admirer of her own, would have eased her breast to somebody +else's of all the things about love at large that she ached to say to +somebody. I wondered, seeing them both, whether there was no middle way +with women. The whole sex seemed to be divided into creatures (or rather +a creature, for I set Evie apart) to be enskied by men, and the other +kind, that a man might fly as he would fly a wild animal. And I am not +sure even now that when these two things are found in one and the same +woman they ever really shake down together. They seem to go on existing, +independently, unreconciled, side by side. + +But Miss Levey was far worse. She always seemed to me to crave +information, useful or useless, from a mere acquisitiveness; and I may +say now that it was she who, later, first roused in me the uneasy +suspicion that unless I was exceedingly careful I should find that I had +undertaken more than I could well manage. She began all at once to show +quite a liking for my company. She mislaid books in the room where I +sat, got into difficulties with copying presses when I was about, and +glanced up at open or closed windows too high for her reach, as if she +felt a draught or the lack of air, it didn't matter which, and must +suffer until somebody came to her help. All this had its rise in the +idlest curiosity, unless, as I sometimes suspected, she had made a bet +that she would get out of me who this imaginary _fiancée_ of mine was, +and was determined to win it. One day as I saw her struggling with the +blind cords in one of the window bays, and advanced to her assistance, +she relinquished the cords, and then, as if to apologise for the trouble +she was causing me, said, "Oh, thank you so much--you see I'm going to a +dance to-night, and have a slight cold already.... You don't go to +dances, do you, Mr Jeffries?" I answered that I did not, whereupon she +said gaily, "Oh, you must learn! I'm sure you could find _some_body who +would teach you! Then you and your partner could join our set--such +fun!" + +And another time she actually came to me with tickets for one of her +"hops," and pointed out to me that I should be saving a shilling by +taking both a pink ticket as well as a blue one. + +But while these were the results of my whispered false intelligence on +Miss Windus and Miss Causton and Miss Levey, the results on Evie Soames +were both foreseen and unforeseen. I had foreseen that it would give me +a new liberty with her; but I had not foreseen that she, and not I, +would be the first to take advantage of that liberty. It came to me +entirely as a surprise that she should see no reason why, if my heart +was engaged, she should not speak of it as a matter of course to +myself. + +This, to my great confusion, she did. + +It was in the small back room that we called the library, among the +book-shelves and glass-cases of mimeographs and gelatine copiers and +patent tills, that she did so. I had seen her talking to Weston in the +empty lecture-room as I had passed through to restore a book to its +place--a new translation of "Schmoller on the Mercantile System," I +remember it was--and she had turned as I had passed. I think she had +been a little nervous about the pretty little exhibition she intended. +It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that she had actually +practised the words she was going to use, and I am quite sure she meant +to go through it creditably. My lady was even then looking forward to +the time when, on a small scale or a large one, she would have to do +these things. So she followed me into the library, and, with one slender +hand on the iron ball-arm of the copying press under the gas said her +little piece. + +"Oh, Mr Jeffries!... I hear I have to congratulate you!" + +For a moment I did not take her meaning. Then it dawned on me, and I +felt a quick constriction of my heart that was both bliss and pain. + +"Oh?... On--on what?" I asked. I couldn't help stammering a little over +it. + +She wore a brown cloth tailor-made costume and a thick knitted cap of +white wool; and the shadow of this cap over her large eyes was not so +deep but that I saw the almost reproachful look in them. It was almost +as if she echoed: "'On what?' Can such a wonderful thing have happened +to you and you ask 'On what?'" + +"On this we hear of your engagement," she replied, looking down at her +toes. "It's--it's true, isn't it?" + +For the second time I felt my facile invention sitting somewhat less +easily on me. I stammered again, while she, I am quite sure, +misattributed my embarrassment. + +"Who told you that?" + +At that she was sweetly arch. + +"Oh, a little bird, Mr Jeffries! Don't tell me it isn't true--it would +be almost--almost like bad luck----" + +"Bad luck?" I repeated foolishly. + +"I mean, like wearing your wedding dress before the day, or something +like that--congratulating you too soon, I mean----" + +By this time I had collected my thoughts. "It isn't true," I said. + +Instantly her face fell adorably. In its expression I fancied I detected +both indignation against her misinformant and mortification that her +dear little attempt at social competence had failed. + +"Oh!... I'm _so_ sorry!" she murmured, all dejection and shame and rich +colour. "Please forgive me!" + +"It isn't true," I said, "that--that I am actually engaged to be +married." + +Like a flash she was all eagerness again. She had a book in her hand, +not a college text-book but a novelette; and probably the whole of the +novelette was in her glad change of tone. I was not exactly engaged to +be married, but I _was_ in love, and I daresay her brain was already a +jumble of surmises about obstinate parents, secret wills, _marriages de +convenance_, and true and severed young hearts. + +"Oh!" she said again. "I'm so--I mean I hope I shall soon be able to--I +mean I hope I'm not rude if I----" She floundered, already out of her +depth. + +"Not at all," I said gravely. "I only said I was not formally engaged. +There are--other reasons for congratulation after all----" + +"Oh, then I _do_!" she cried impulsively, with a grateful look that I +had helped her out. "I'm _so_ glad!" + +Then, her ordeal over, she glanced towards the door. + +But a daring impulse seized me. This was on a Friday night, and I knew +that on the morrow she was going to Guildford. + +"I see you're just leaving," I said. "Would it annoy you if I were to +walk a little way with you?" + +Again the code of her upbringing banished her momentary hesitation. + +"Unless," I said, "you have already----" + +"Oh no!" she said, with quick frankness. "I only meant that I nearly +always go alone, or else with Miss Windus." + +"I'm sure Miss Windus can spare you for once. One doesn't get +congratulated like this every day," I pressed. + +She laughed merrily. "Some of us don't get it at all," she said. "With +pleasure, Mr Jeffries." + +I slapped Schmoller back into his place on the shelf, and went off, +drunk with bliss, to get my hat and coat. + +That night I walked with Evie for the first time to Woburn Place. Never +had the Bloomsbury streets seemed so short, never the east side of the +British Museum so few paces in length. I remember very little of what we +talked about, I know she spoke of her visit to Guildford. The +invitation, she gave me to understand, was really to her aunt, and it +was to the subject of her aunt that she quickly returned when I +insinuated a mention of Archie's name. I insinuated it again a minute +later, but after that, noticing the way in which she came back to the +aunt again, I forbore. + +"But I'm afraid we can't ask the Merridews back, as we ought," she said, +once more socially prescient. "We only have rooms in Woburn Place, you +see, and you can't very well ask people all that way just to rooms, can +you?" + +"No," I replied briefly. I was thinking of my own late hospitality to +Archie. + +"We used to have a house, of course, before uncle died, and you know how +poky rooms seem after that." + +"Yes," I replied, compressing my lips. + +And so we chatted. I forget what our other subjects were. I left her, +with our first hand-shake, at her door. + +What that week-end was to me I will not attempt to tell you. I did not +belong to this earth at all. The fact that actually, in her person, she +was enjoying herself in Archie's company at Guildford was nothing to me; +the fact that every fibre of me was rapturously tremulous at the thought +of her was everything. I triumphed as if I already had her yielding in +my arms. Archie?... In my possession I laughed. I even felt kindly to +Archie--felt towards him that it would give me pleasure to have him, +by-and-by, a quite frequent visitor at my house--our house.... I spread +the mantle of my exaltation over the draymen and porters of the place +where I dined. Their heavens were not mine, but if a man is full he is +full, and I allowed them sanctities of their own. My heart was soft and +generous to them. For the first time in my life I knew what folk mean +when they say they love all the world. + +The sweet influence had not quite left me when on Monday night I went to +the college to see her again. + +She did not appear that night. Neither did he. + +It was Wednesday before I saw her again. + +I do not know what damnable difference in me that absence of the pair of +them for a single evening made. It came over me so suddenly that I was +in its clutches before I was aware. It was a significant transformation. +Let me relate it. + +I knocked at the brass knocker of Archie's ivy-green door an hour before +the class on the Tuesday night, and found that he intended to work at +home that evening. (I only learned this, however, some minutes later.) I +had had a double reason for calling on him at that hour, and the blood +comes hot again in my cheeks as I recall my second reason. I had +recently bought a new suit of clothes, not in Lamb's Conduit Street, but +made, though cheaply enough, to measure; and though it was only the +beginning of the week one of the payments for this suit had already +depleted my pocket almost to the last penny. Since breakfast that day I +had not eaten. But I knew the hour at which Archie dined. + +So nicely had I hit the moment for my self-invitation that I actually +followed his hot dinner half-way up the stairs. It was only on the first +landing that the servant stood aside with the tray to allow me to +precede her. I knocked at his door and entered, leaving the door open +for the dinner of which I intended to partake to follow. + +He had brought a fowl back with him from Guildford, with one or two +other motherly gifts, and I smelt the white sauce even before Jane put +the tray down on a side table. Archie was in his brown dressing-gown, +standing before his fire. He had taken the green shade from his lamp, +and his low-ceilinged roof-chamber looked exceedingly ruddy and +comfortable and home-like. + +"Hallo! Good man!" he cried. "You're just in time--I was just funking +carving--you'd better be getting your hand in for when you're a family +man!... Bring another plate, Jane.... Well, how's things?" + +It was then that the thing happened that still has power to bring the +blood to my cheeks. It was exquisitely cruel in the moment of its +coming. + +"Oh, so-so," I replied carelessly.... "But I've just this minute +swallowed my dinner, thanks. You go ahead. I'll watch you." + +"Oh, rubbish!" he replied, in a tone that hardened me. "I'll lay you +haven't had so much but you can pick a bit of Surrey fowl." + +I damned the thickness of his hide, but swallowed my choler. + +"Really, thanks," I said, turning away to look at a print on the wall +that I had seen a hundred times before. + +Jane hesitated. It was a long way up from the kitchen, and the old +bell-pull of red rope by his fireplace didn't always ring. "Shall I +bring the other plate, Mr Merridew?" she asked. + +"Yes--bring it--he'll change his mind!" + +But in my hellish pride I had now no intention whatever of changing my +mind. Twice again he pressed me, and twice I declined, the second time +curtly; and he fell to himself, while I sat in a chair and watched him. + +"Oh, by the way," he said suddenly, with his mouth full of food, "I'm +going to work here to-night.... Sure you won't have some pudding?" + +I rose. "Oh, well, if you're not coming I'll sheer off; why didn't you +say so? Enjoy your week-end?" + +"Oh, first rate. But, dash it all, don't be in such a hurry--you're far +too early yet." + +"Oh, I've just remembered something," I said, "See you again soon." + +And I waved my hand and left. + +I did not go to the class either that night. I was raging again, and +trying to protect that young fool from the injury of my savage thoughts. +I failed completely. Not even the thought that my passionate resentment +was a force to be confined as it were in a boiler, and only to be +allowed to escape by the way that would prove effective, restrained me +from clenching my fists and gritting my teeth as I recalled the image of +his pretty and ignorant and conceited face; and I am afraid I "let go" +utterly. I walked by way of Chancery Lane and Bouverie Street to the +Embankment; I crossed Blackfriars Bridge, and after that I don't quite +know where I went, trying to forget my hunger, and trying to shake off +my hideous grudge against the world that threatened to crash over the +head of the egotistical whipper-snapper I had left. + +I have related this at some length because it was the first time, but +not the last, that that devil of sensitiveness took me in quite that +way. + + +VIII + +I had not exaggerated when I told Archie Merridew that I might find some +difficulty in obtaining from Rixon Tebb & Masters' leave of absence for +the day of the Method examination. That examination was fixed for a +Friday, a fortnight and some days after my refusal to set fork into that +fragrantly steaming Surrey fowl of Archie Merridew's, and this falling +on a Friday added to my difficulties. + +Or rather I should say that it added to Polwhele's difficulties, for it +was to Polwhele I looked once more to find a way out for me. For Friday +was a wage-day, and since I must have my eighteen shillings in order to +live, a mere covering of my absence would not suffice. The cashier would +have to be taken into the arrangement. + +But Polwhele had by now to some extent got over his dread, if not over +his hatred, of me. When I put the matter to him he refused. This was in +the street, during the luncheon hour. The louse refused to help me, and +turned away. + +Exactly fifteen minutes later I had bearded the cashier himself, +catching him at the door as he was returning from his meal. + +At first he looked at me as much as to say, "Did _I_ speak to _you"_? +Then, finding it impossible to pretend he didn't know who I was, he +said, "What is it?" + +I told him what I wanted, concealing only my reason for wanting it; and, +after his first astonishment that I had taken the absolutely +unprecedented course of addressing a request otherwise than through the +usual channel, I found him not unmanageable. As a matter of fact, things +were slack, and there was only one kind of labour that Rixon Tebb & +Masters' would have preferred to that it had from the agency at eighteen +shillings a week--namely, a "floating margin" waiting on the pavement to +be taken on for an hour or two as it might be required. Gayns saw a +chance of saving a day. + +"You don't expect to be paid for that day, do you?" he said. + +"No," I replied. + +He thought for a moment. "All right," he said. "You can come for your +fifteen shillings on Thursday night." + +And Polwhele set another mark against me, that I had approached a +superior over his head. + +As I entered the Business College at half-past ten on the morning of the +examination it suddenly struck me that I had never been inside the +place in the daytime before. By gaslight it was, as I have said, dingy +enough, but by daylight it was shabby in the extreme. I walked round the +rooms, noticing for the first time that the shorthand and typewriting +rooms, which looked on the side street to the east of the block, were by +far the lightest rooms on our top floor, and that the library in which I +had received Evie's congratulations was little more than a thick +twilight, which the cleaning of the single grimy back window that looked +out over yards and chimney-pots would probably not greatly have +improved. The room adjoining that, the old ledger-room, was not, except +for the small high square of glass that gave on the head of the stairs, +lighted at all. + +They had made, too, quite extensive arrangements for the occasion +itself. We had been warned that we should not be allowed to leave the +premises until the examination was over, and as far as possible +separate spaces had been provided for each of the twenty-five +candidates--compartments of screens hired for the day from some +furnisher or shop-fitter, and open at the ends to the gaze of the +half-dozen perambulating guardians of the probity of examinations who +looked as if they too had been had in for the day on the same terms +as the screens. The contrast between the new fittings and the old +wallpapers and chandeliers struck me. And I remembered that even +now, when I had been debited my three shillings to be present, I did +not see the place in its normal daytime aspect at all. + +The papers were to be distributed at eleven, and at a few minutes before +that hour we were all assembled. A man called Mackie and myself were the +only two candidates for the Honours paper, and he and I were kept well +apart--I told off to a seat in the middle of the lecture-room, he +isolated in the typewriting-room. Evie, timorous about her Elementary, +was separated from Archie Merridew (who occupied the box between Miss +Windus and a pale student, Richardson) by the whole length of the +general room. We took our places; in all the rooms at once voices were +heard reading some cautionary form or other (my policeman gave me the +most mistrustful of glances as he pronounced the words "expelled from +the examination-room and your paper cancelled"); the papers were +distributed on the stroke of eleven, and the examination began. + +I need not trouble you with what it was all about. The importance of +that day to me was quite unconnected with the paper on Method. I ought, +however, to say that the paper was in reality two papers, the first in +Theory and the second in Practice, with the interval for lunch dividing +the two. I mention this only to explain how it was we came to be all +talking together when, a little after half-past one, our first papers +had been collected and we were free to unsnap our satchels or untie our +parcels of lunch. + +Despite my reduced income that week I had provided myself with a +sumptuous lunch--two kinds of sausage from a _delicatessen_ shop in +Shaftesbury Avenue, a paper of potato salad, a roll, butter, some sort +of chocolate _baba_ or _moka_, and a bottle of Schweppes' dry ginger +ale. That lunch had cost me nearly three shillings--but I intended to +eat only a third of it. The rest was to be my chief sustenance during +the two following days. I was not among my porters and drivers now--oh +no! I was cutting quite a dash. Archie, passing with Miss Windus as I +opened my black satchel, did not forbear to remark, "By Jove! doesn't +Jeffries do himself well, what?" and it had been in order that I might +be assumed to "do" myself equally well every day of my life that I had +made my little display. I ate my exact third in the same compartment I +had written my examination paper in, and then, closing my bag on the +precious remainder, put it under the seat and mingled with the others. + +By a sort of natural selection, I presently found myself in the middle +bow window, discussing the questions he had just answered with my only +fellow-candidate in Honours, Mackie. Mackie, both at the college and +elsewhere, was one of these blatantly popular chaps, and I myself +didn't like him. In some respects he was rather of Archie's kind, but he +was older, more knowing, and had gone further. He was a singer of comic +songs at "smokers," and a frequent looker-in at the shilling dances at +the Holburn Town Hall after class. He was jubilant over the ease of the +Theory paper, and was already so confident of his pass that he was +cracking jokes right and left, as if a weight had been taken off his +mind. + +"It's going to be like money from home if it's no harder than that!" he +exulted (almost prophetically, if what I said about the standard of +modern examinations is true). "Kitty Windus says she'll eat her +mackintosh, with the accent on the 'tosh,' if she isn't all right for +the Advanced, and the Elementaries are as safe as your hand in your +pocket! What ho! Come out on the stairs and have a Flor de Cabbagos." + +I didn't want the Flor de Cabbagos, but I went out on the top landing +with him. One or two others were smoking on the floor below, which was +as far as we were allowed to stray. A few steps down Miss Windus and +Miss Causton were sitting on the stairs, as if they were sitting out a +dance, and Miss Causton moved lower down still as the fragrance of +Mackie's "Flor" reached her, and then a little way back again as she +caught the whiff that came up the well. Mackie was talking of the paper +again. + +"All that mugging for a job you could do on your head!" he said, with +regret for the time he had lost. "I wouldn't have dropped out of the +billiard handicap if I'd known! Play billiards, Jeffries? I'm a regular +John Roberts--in my dreams. Give you fifty in a hundred at the Napier +when teacher says we can go." + +And he ran on, with dull facetiousness. + +But suddenly he stopped his rapid flow. He made a slight movement with +his finger, and stood listening. I heard nothing except the voices lower +down the stairs and the general hum in the room we had just left. But +Mackie did. + +"Hear that?" he said. + +"What?" I asked. + +"Sssh!..." + +I told you how the wooden partition at the head of the stairs, that with +the small window high up, separated the landing on which we stood from +the old ledger-room. The window was worked with cords on a horizontal +pivot, and was swung partly open. Whether Mackie heard whatever he did +hear through this window or through the boards themselves I do not know, +but a smile came over his face. + +"It's that young devil," he whispered. + +"Who?" + +"Why, young Merridew. He's in there with somebody...." + +I invite you to notice that I was improving. I was not eavesdropping +this time--I was merely letting Mackie do my eavesdropping for me. He +glanced round to see whether the women below were watching, and then set +his ear against the partition. + +"Yes, it's Merridew," he chuckled. "Nice father's hope and mother's joy +_that_ young man's getting! I don't suppose he's gone in there to talk +to the secretary bird!..." + +I found myself suddenly reminded of what I had noticed for the first +time only an hour or two before--that the room beyond the partition was +practically unlighted. + +Then Mackie dropped again into the "bright" style affected by the +singers of comic songs at smoking concerts. + +"Ahem--good-hevening, ladies and gen'lmen! How am I? Very well, thank +me! Ahem! I will now, with your kind permission, endeavour to entertain +you with a few of my well-known impersonations on a subject that will +appeal to all of you, no matter what your age, sex, condition, +vaccination marks or the number of your dog licence--_London's Lovers_." + +"Oh, Mr Mackie's going to recite for us!" I heard Miss Windus' cry of +juvenile delight from down the stairs. "Please be quick, Mr Mackie--we +shall have to go in in ten minutes!" + +And those below pressed up the stairs to hear Mackie. + +But I did not stay to hear the "impersonation." I walked back into the +general room, and, with a violently throbbing heart, sought the seat +where I had written my examination paper. + +Do you realise what I had just seen? Do you see what had set my heart so +thumping? If Mackie was right, and he had really got the cue for his +"impersonation" from something that was going on in the ledger-room, +young Merridew and Evie were alone in there together. + +All that I had hitherto known of apprehension and despair and jealousy +of Archie's luck and chances and juniority was eclipsed by the emotion +that now flowed over me like a wave. The revelation swept me entirely +off my balance. It seemed to me that once more I awoke as if out of a +dream. I seemed to be standing as it were a little way off from my own +baseless hopes and illusions of the past weeks and coldly contemplating +my own egregiousness. I actually gave out loud a low laugh that harrowed +myself. What! To suppose that all, all I could do, would prevent youth +from coming together at the last! + +So I made myself a spectacle of ridicule for myself. + +Then, as the minutes passed, that which at first had seemed a pure and +perfect whole of hopelessness changed subtly and began to separate into +parts. And that brought such a change in me that I trembled to recognise +it. The shock of those first moments had stunned me, but I was now +coming out of my stupor. My first swift conclusion had been wrong. These +were _not_ young lovers whom mountains could not sunder. She, my +sleeping beauty, who had but now opened her eyes, no doubt thought I was +that; her soul was over-brimming; and I remembered her look of wonder +and reproach when, after she had congratulated me on that love-rise that +is the most wondrous of earthly dawnings I had given a puzzled "on +what?" When hearts can no longer contain that with which they ache to +bursting, lucky is the one who stands nearest to hand. His it is to +have, for the lifting of his finger, what else would spill. He may not +be athirst for the draught; a muddier liquor might quench his fire as +well; but this dew and ichor is his, though another parch for it. + +For I needed no pointers from Mackie to know young Archie now. This was +his ignored and heaven-high luck, and he did not even want it. If their +being together in that unlighted room--their being together even as I +sat with my head between my hands staring blankly at the yellow deal +screen--if this meant anything at all it meant one thing and one thing +only, that she must give because it was her nature to give, and the cub +was philandering with her. + +At that thought my despair gave place to something else. It was eaten up +in the white flame of wrath that flashed like a brand in my brain. + +"Oh!" I thought. "So _that's_ it, my Archie?..." + +I need not tell you again how I always have made my angers serviceable +to me. Five minutes later--though my will was well-nigh deracinated in +the process--I was its master again. It still struggled like a beast in +my hold, nor did I know whence the help could come without which it +would presently have me in its power again, but I still retained my +throttling hold on it. One last wild struggle the beast made; this was +when beyond the end of my screen-enclosed compartment, I saw them issue, +with an interval of half-a-minute between their coming out of the +library doorway. He was pink and triumphant; at her I forbore to look. A +minute later Mackie passed and gave an infinitesimally small jerk of his +head and a wink; but by that time I was holding my savage beast down +again. + +Then a bell rang; there was a buzz and movement the candidates were +making ready again. Once more attendants read the caution, and then the +second paper was distributed. Mechanically I turned over the +gelatine-copied leaves that had been handed to me. + +But I pushed them away again. A man who is engaged as I still was--a +luckless hunter who has missed his shot and is struggling desperately +body to body with his intended prey--has little time for anything but +the business in hand. True, I did draw the paper to me again and tick +off the questions that would be productive of the highest marks, but it +was long before I got any further. There would come between me and my +page Archie Merridew's pink and boastful face as I had seen him issue +from the library door. + +I do not know how long I sat thus. + +Draggingly at last I settled to work. But it was well-nigh hopeless. I +came to myself after a long interval to find that I was staring blankly +before me and muttering softly to myself. I had not written more than +half-a-page. Wearily I tried again. + +The next external thing that I was fully awake to was that from the +typewriting-room there came the single "Ting" of the small clock on the +mantelpiece. I started. That single "Ting" always meant one of two +things--one o'clock or a half-hour. I had no watch. + +I tried for a moment to persuade myself that the clock had just struck +half-past two. + +Then I heard the attendant's voice: "You have one hour left." + +"Good heavens!" I groaned. + +I drew my paper to me again. + +For a time I was not conscious of anything but the questions that must +be answered by half-past four. Indeed, so feverishly did I work that I +did not hear the attendants announce that we had only half-an-hour +longer. The next announcement I heard was that fifteen minutes only +remained. + +Swiftly and flurriedly I turned over what I had written. I was just +half-way through the paper. + +Wildly alarmed, I broke into rapid shorthand--the shorthand in which I +am writing this now. I did not know whether the shorthand would be +accepted; I only knew that in its larger aspect the object of the +examination was to determine whether I was master of my subject. I was +master of my subject. Those already diluted tests of capacity, the +questions, dictated their own replies: I put on top speed. + +"You have five minutes more," sounded the relentless voice. + +But I could have sworn that not one minute elapsed before, much louder +and more peremptory, came the final call: + +"You must now cease writing!" + +As I mingled with my fellow-candidates again I heard Mackie crying +joyously, "Oh, we got medals for this in Paris!" But I passed him by +without a glance. Nor had I any desire to linger about those premises my +first sight of which in the daytime had cost me three shillings in cash, +and a murderous rage that might indeed have closed the gates of heaven +in my face. I went quickly for my hat and coat, almost colliding with +Miss Causton as I turned a corner and muttering I know not what as she +shrank back and gave me a look that I could hardly reconcile with her +usually ironical and ruminating eyes. I merely wanted to get out of the +place.... + +But I did not escape so quickly but that I saw Archie and Evie following +me down the stairs. No doubt they were going together to her aunt's to +tea. + +A week later I learned that I had passed with distinction in the Theory +part of the paper, but had failed in the Practice portion. The examiners +made a joke about "Paper Number Two," saying they had decided to hold it +over for next year's shorthand examination. Everybody knew whose paper +Number Two was.... + +Mackie had passed in both portions. + + + + +PART II + +WOBURN PLACE + + + + +I + +Some time or other during the period of my engagement to Miss Windus (an +episode of my history I am now approaching), I happened to remark on the +pleasant arrangement that had removed many of the temptations of London +from Archie Merridew's path by giving him a "home from home"--the +wholesome influence of the Soames' house in Woburn Place. My charmer +agreed with me that no arrangement could have been happier. It is of +that arrangement that I must now speak. But first I must tell you as +much as I can recollect of the party with which the Christmas term +closed. + +Little as things of that kind appeal to me, I had been to that +breaking-up party. Why I had deliberately sought this misery I find it +difficult to say. It had been Miss Levey who, the very evening before +the result of the Method examination had been announced, had broached +the matter to me, and that of itself would doubtless have decided me had +it not been for Miss Causton, who had come up just as I was refusing. + +"Mr Jeffries says he won't come!" Miss Levey had said, turning to Miss +Causton, "but we want a few of the seniors as guests--you and Mr Mackie +and Mr Weston--you're the lights of the college, you know." + +I had been quite unaware that my mental comment on her "we" had shown in +my face (she was quite twenty-five), but apparently it had, for she had +added, with a laugh that had struck me as contemptuous even of herself, +"Oh, I call myself a junior too!" and had turned away. + +Of course I ought not to have gone, and, after I had learned of my +failure in Method, I had been on the point of renewing my refusal. But +then there had seized me an almost mad desire to see how much I really +could endure with a smile (Evie and Archie, of course, had been among +the first to accept). So the very thing that ought to have kept me away +had driven me there. Of this extreme of perversity I am afraid I must +ask you to find what explanation you can. I am merely setting down the +thing as it occurred. + +So I had gone, though, to Miss Levey's disappointment, _sans_ "lady," +and had had, moreover, the pleasure, such as it was, of also +disappointing those who had expected that my failure in Method would +plunge me into gloom. I was far beyond gloom. Mere gloom would not have +expressed my feelings; it would have lacked the ecstasy of my misery. +So I daresay I had appeared, not less, but more cheerful than my +ordinary, and perhaps that was even set down as courage that was merely +the numbing of sensibility. + +A most extraordinary experience to me that party had been. On the +occasion of the Method examination screens and tables had had to be +imported, but this time the opposite had been done, and all day +half-a-dozen of the students had been busy, stacking desks and tables +away in the old ledger-room and clearing the lecture-room for dancing. +The senior classroom had been turned into a refreshment-room, and an +upright piano had been got in and lifted upon Weston's lecturing dais. +Blackboards indicated the way to the ladies' cloak-room (the library) +and that of the men (the room with the washbowls), and by the time I had +arrived, at half-past eight, everybody had assembled. Nine had been +fixed as the hour when dancing was to begin. + +Sisters and friends had brought up the number of women to perhaps a +dozen, and Miss Levey had not failed to remark on my coming alone. Her +short legs had started to bring her to me almost before I had looked +about me. + +"Oh, Mr Jeffries--then you _haven't_ brought a lady friend!" she had +reproached me. "I hope you understood that the invite was for two!" At +this, setting my face into a rocky smile that had remained on it thence +forward, I had looked at her over her fan. + +"Oh?" I had said. "Then it was my 'lady friend,' not me, you wanted to +see?" + +But she had been equal to me. "Oh no--but there are three times as many +gentlemen as ladies, you know. Come and let me introduce you----" + +But I had evaded this, preferring, in the words of Mackie, who had +passed just then, to "paper the wall." + +From my station by the thrown-back folding-doors of the lecture-room, +with that carved smile on my face for all the world as if my heart had +been temporarily atrophied, I had been able to look even on Evie almost +unmoved. The whole scene had been a haggard but quite painless nightmare +to me. When, at nine o'clock, the piano had begun to play, I had watched +the men in their black sparrow-tails and white gloves, stooping, +posturing, offering arms, revolving, as if the picture had been a flat +representation, lacking a dimension, the blackboard behind the pianist +and the old bells like interrogation-marks above his head quite as +important as the moving figures. And I had smiled and smiled. After all, +one might as well smile as not. Once you had got the smile into its +place it was just as easy. Really it would have been the taking of it +off again that would have required the mental effort. + +It was as I had stood there that Miss Causton had come up to me and +asked me if I did not dance. Her voice, as she had done so, had hardly +detached itself in my mind from the noise about us, and even her figure, +lending as it were its own life to her dress of oyster-grey, had seemed +no less flat and diagrammatic than the rest of the scene. "No," I had +said, and "No," she had repeated, with a nod, "getting the piano up and +down would be more your style, for it nearly killed those boys this +afternoon.... But won't you let me teach you?" + +"I've no gloves." + +"Gloves!" she had said softly. + +And so, since besides smiling one may as well dance as not, I had taken +a dancing lesson from Miss Causton. But we had only gone twice round the +room--for which, considering my weight, I could hardly have blamed her, +and then, panting a little, she had proposed a rest. And in the very bay +from which I had once overheard her conversation with Miss Windus I had +talked civilities to her, still smiling. I had asked whether she was +coming back after Christmas and had been told "Yes," and when, +by-and-by, as being less trouble than thinking of a new one, I had put +the same question to Miss Levey, I had got a "Yes" from her also. After +that I had worked that question really hard, putting it at least once +more to Miss Levey, and once to somebody who was not at the college at +all, after which I had found a new one, I forget what, making two quite +useful social accomplishments. Once again Miss Causton had come up to +me. "----since you don't come to me," I remember her saying; "I should +like some coffee." But she had barely tasted the coffee I fetched her--I +remember wondering whether I ought to take her to the coffee or fetch +the coffee to her--and then, just in the middle of my third brilliant +conversational find, she had suddenly got up and left me. + +And so on. The last had been similarly phantasmagoric. I had smiled when +Evie had come up and said reproachfully: "You can dance with Louie!" and +again when she had said: "I should like something to drink--no, you +mustn't fetch it--when you're asked for those things in the middle of a +dance it means that somebody wants to sit out with you--but, oh dear! I +forgotten that this was Archie's, and here he is!..." It hadn't hurt +much but I had had enough. The last person I distinctly remember +speaking to was Miss Levey, who had said that I really must bring +"somebody" to the next social. They had still been dancing when I left. + +Now that the disaster of my failure had befallen me, a year must elapse +before I could make a second attempt; and so it became quite unnecessary +that I should return to the college after the Christmas vacation of a +month. The faraway autumn would be early enough for that. The fees, +small as they were, came fearfully heavy on me, and I could study in the +Patent Office Library for nothing. + +But I wished to return in January. My many reasons for this are clear to +you. To the more obvious of them I will only add, that I seemed now to +be doomed to remain at Rixon Tebb & Masters' for another year, and, now +that that strange and rather frightening calm of that night of the +breaking-up party had passed, I simply could not face the time ahead +without the alleviation, or at least the change of pain, that the +prospect of seeing Evie afforded. + +So I decided to continue my course. + +The days until the college should reopen on the 21st of February were--I +almost said purgatory to me, but in truth they purged me little. It was +the rainiest and muddiest of Christmas weeks; nobody was out of doors +who had a fire to sit by and leisure to sit by it, and the streets were +a bobbing of umbrellas and a squirting of mud about the turned-up +trousers of men and the skirts of women lifted to their wearers cared +not where. I tried to make the use of dubbin take the place of the +resoling of my boots, and in my chamber, which was warmed only by my +oil-stove, my garments never dried. It was a short week at Rixon Tebb & +Masters', we were paid short too, and I shall never forget my Christmas +dinner of that year. For a fit of desperation and impotent rebellion +took me. I went for a change to another "pull-up" than my usual one, and +there paid tenpence for a wholly insufficient dinner. I rebelled, I say. +I brought my fist down on the table, and out of sheer recklessness +ordered the whole lot over again. This proved too much for me. I +couldn't eat half of it, but I didn't care. How I was going to recoup +myself for the double cost afterwards I didn't know. If I had to have +more money, I knew I should have to get it somehow, that was all. + +That was a villainous Christmas for me! + +And I was alone--Archie at Guildford, Evie and her aunt I didn't know +where, perhaps at Guildford too, everybody with homes to go to and faces +to talk to over a fire. Archie's absence, too, cost me several +sixpences--the price of the hot baths I could not very well ask for at +his quarters while he was away. I spent my evenings in the Patent Office +Library, where it was warm. + +I was glad when Christmas was over. I felt somehow that I was not +missing quite so much. + +Then those who had been away for a holiday came back; the second and +third weeks of January passed; and on the twenty-first, a Monday, I went +to the college again, as piteously joyful as if I had been an outcast +returning to open and welcoming arms again. + +There were changes at the college. New students had come, several of the +old ones had left, among them Mackie, whose course was finished, and we +had a new "professor," who, it was said, was to start an +advertisement-writing class. But the biggest gap seemed to be left by +Miss Levey and Miss Causton, neither of whom, in spite of their answers +to my question at the breaking-up party, had returned. Miss Levey, +indeed was not returning; she had got a job; and I do not conceal that +this was a small relief to me. It put an end to the hints and guessings +and pertinacities that might still further have embarrassed my not very +clearly explained situation. But Miss Causton, I gathered, had merely +not come back yet. As it turned out later, she did not come back. But +nobody knew yet. So, until she should do so, Evie and Miss Windus +remained our only two woman students. + +It is plain that I had had to think out a plausible reason for my own +return. I neither wished, nor would it have been credible of me, to be +regarded as one of those high-and-dry relics (every college and school +has them) who wear on to middle age seeing whole generations of juniors +out, and become pathetic "institutions" merely because they had not +initiative to stop doing what they have once begun. So I had hit on an +explanation of my reappearance that, as it subsequently turned out, cut +two ways. In one of these ways it proved magnificently sufficient for +me; in the other it proved inadequate with an inadequacy that I only +partly rectified when I became engaged to Miss Windus. In a word, I had +had an idea. + +My idea was this: + +Starting from the old "Method" course (which, despite my failure, I knew +back and forth and inside out), I had begun to evolve for myself a whole +new course of private study. Much of this, I anticipated, I should be +able to pursue at the college; for the rest the British Museum and the +Patent Office Library would serve. The germ of my notion lay (or at +least began) in certain questions that bore on the consolidation of +Commercial Distribution; and I fancied, rightly as it turned out, that +my idea was in harmony with the broader developments of the day. More +than that I need not say. All that concerns this story is that my new +inspiration landed me straightway in a dilemma. On the one hand, the +newness of the idea proved to be the foundation of my fortune, on the +other, because of its very newness, and because it surpassed the terms +of the then known, it appeared to those who wanted to know "what +Jeffries was about," a subterfuge and a blind for something else. In a +small sense, as you are aware, it was that; in a larger one it +emphatically was not. + +It is odd what difference a New Year makes in such colleges as ours. The +influx of new students always drives the older ones more closely +together, so that a person with whom the previous term you had little +more than a nodding acquaintance becomes, when you meet again, almost an +old friend. You have memories and associations in common that the +new-comers know nothing about, and quasi-amicable rearrangements are +made. I may say at once that it was not this that finally drove me into +Miss Windus's arms, but it helped in the early stages by breaking down +other resistances, and so made our extraordinary subsequent relation +possible. + +Evie had told me, on the night when I had first walked home with her to +Woburn Place, that she usually went home either alone or else with Miss +Windus, who lived in Percy Street, Tottenham Court Road; and while I, of +course, had gone no farther than the gate, Miss Windus, I knew, had on +more than one occasion gone in to supper. In the new order of things +(which included Archie's "home from home") the three of them not +infrequently went to Woburn Place together, and I began to see his light +near the Foundling Hospital more and more rarely as I passed. Of course +it didn't at all follow that because he was not in his own quarters he +was at Woburn Place; I knew for a fact that very often he was not; and I +learned from Mackie, whom I ran into one evening as I was returning from +Rixon Tebb & Masters', and to whom I forced myself to talk, that on at +least one recent occasion Master Archie had been seen flying a +none-too-steadily-balanced kite in the neighbourhood of Leicester +Square. The "home from home" was a capital one from the point of view of +Mrs. Merridew, no doubt; but from that of Miss Soames the aunt, into +whose house, whether she knew it or not, some whiff at least of another +atmosphere was being brought, the thing seemed very open indeed to +question. + +Evie, I could see now, was lost in love of him; and I sometimes wondered +whether I was not becoming hopelessly one-idea-ridden to suppose that it +could all possibly end in any but the plain and obvious way--by her +marriage to him. Changes that I shall speak of presently were taking +place quickly in myself, and perhaps it was the first sign of them that +sometimes, when I found myself utterly spent and broken, melodramatic +magnanimities rose in my brain. In these moments I was tempted to throw +up the struggle, to take myself off somewhere, and to leave them to +arrange matters as they would. I wonder--I wonder!--whether I should +have had the strength to do it! + +And I wonder too whether, had I done it, it would have been "strength" +at all! I hardly think it would. I will not generalise about slack young +men and blind and innocent girls; I am not concerned with collective +morals; but I was concerned with the given case, and already saw how +things would almost inevitably turn out. Archie, after the manner of his +kind, would sandwich in his visits to Woburn Place with more suspect +pleasures; presently there would come some accident of detection, or +there would not; if there did he would make a more or less (probably +less) clean breast of it, and if there did not it would become a +question of how far he would go with Evie. At that also I could make a +guess. A "home from home," is not quite what it seems when the home +contains a young creature who follows the befriended young man about +with soft and adoring eyes; parents and aunts notice these things; one +day something would happen; and Archie, who never took any other line, +would take the line of least resistance and, seeing that it was expected +of him, become formally engaged to her. + +And then what? Ah, I foresaw that too! + +She would be, as the expression goes, "no worse" for him. For that also +he lacked the courage. He would sloven himself and her into a love that +would soon prove irksome to him, a bitterness to her, and pure only on a +technicality. I knew his breed; To the best of them Woburn Place is +Woburn Place, and Leicester Square Leicester Square; and to the worst of +them these two things quickly interpenetrate and weld. And what would +that mean for her? I looked at my love; I looked about me at other sad +and disillusioned women who have survived their fair dreams as examples +of the way in which this love-slovening actually works out; and I +shuddered. + +No, a magnanimous removal of myself would not have been "strength" at +all. + +Yet if you think I became engaged to Miss Windus merely that I might +have a pair of eyes frequently in Woburn Place, there you are wrong +again. I became engaged to her because I had no choice. The contributory +causes were several. Among the earlier of them had been a conversation I +had had with Archie Merridew a week before the examination in Method. + +After I had been at pains to give out the information that I was engaged +as it were at large and without further particularity, I had begun, as +you have already guessed, to be the victim of my own ingenuity. Our +committances have this way of taking matters into their own hands. I had +quickly found it impossible to be thus unspecifically betrothed. Too +many questions had instantly sprung up, and Archie, if not Miss Levey, +had known too much about the circumstances of my life. + +At first I had tried to fob him off by speaking of "some girl in the +City," but that had been useless. If that was so, he had wanted to know +(probably having gossipped it all over with Miss Levey), why did I never +see her in the evenings, and why was I so often at liberty on Saturday +afternoons and Sundays? I had protested, I had made jokes. How, I had +demanded, did _he_ know where I passed my spare time?... Well, he knew +(he had retorted) where I spent five evenings out of the seven! + +Miss Levey, you see, had started him, and it amused him to go on. + +And so his intrusiveness had begun to narrow me down to the college +itself. + +This had given me the choice of just two _inamorata_--Miss Causton and +Miss Windus (for I still supposed that Miss Causton might walk into the +college as usual any evening). To the latter lady I was at that time +exceedingly averse; and on the night of this conversation of which I +speak, after Archie had been almost beyond endurance jestingly +importunate, I had all but declared myself point blank for the absent +Miss Causton. (The conversation had taken place in his rooms.) + +"The question is, Archie," I said gravely, looking at him with sharp +doubt in my eyes, "can I trust you? I suspect you've already set +something going, you know." + +He had coloured a little. A mere honourable understanding was never in +the least binding on him, and I was never quite sure to what extent the +exaction of a definite promise would be so. + +"Oh, dash it all, Jeff!" he had scoffed rather awkwardly, "anybody'd +think you were ashamed of it! All I said was quite harmless--really----" + +"I know," I had commented, "_meaning_ no harm. Nine-tenths of the harm +in the world's done that way. I don't know that I don't prefer the man +who means harm; at least he knows what he's doing.... But why are you so +curious about it all?" + +His curiosity, I knew, was nothing more or less than a slack indulgence +of his desire to hear a secret. He had too Miss Levey's racial gift of +turning these things to account. But he had put it rather differently. + +"Oh, just friendly interest," he had replied, slapping his jacket +pocket. "Where did I put my cigarette case?... We _are_ friends, aren't +we?" + +"Rather less so when you go chattering about me." + +"Sorry, old man," he had replied contritely, though his contrition had +been less for his blabbing than that I apparently had taken it amiss. "I +didn't think--you didn't tell me not--it slipped out----" + +"Well, well--no great harm's done. But if I were you--" if I had +hesitated it was merely for a private and subtle relish "--I'd take a +memory powder, to use an expression of Miss Windus's." + +(You will remember how I had come to overhear that expression, and you +may see, by turning back, the precise context of the allusion.) + +Archie had been sitting in his favourite attitude, with his stockinged +feet against the pilaster of the fireplace. He had twinkled again. + +"I don't think it _can_ be Miss Windus," he had chuckled again. "Anybody +can see you can't stand her." + +"Oh? Sorry I've allowed that to appear." + +"And the college isn't exactly swarming with girls," he had continued. + +I had told him that he was dragging the college in entirely on his own +responsibility. + +"Oh no!" he had said promptly, with a far too cunning glance at me. "You +don't put me off like that, old boy! I've got you down to that, and I'm +going to hold you to it! Serve you right for your dashed secretiveness! +So if it isn't Miss Windus, and it isn't Miss Soames----" + +At that I had been able quite calmly to jest. I had fetched up a laugh. + +"Steady a minute," I had said. "If you're really bent on going into the +Sherlock Holmes business you'll have to do it properly, you know--give +reasons for your eliminations. Accuracy's everything. Let's have your +reason for ruling Miss Soames out." + +"Good old Jeff," he had remarked, laughing; "accurate even in his jokes! +Well, say Evie's a young twenty, and you're a damned experienced old +thirty--how will _that_ do?" + +I believe, taken with all the rest, that it had seemed to him perfectly +conclusive. + +"That's better," I had approved. "I only meant that if you're going to +be methodical you must _be_ methodical, that's all. Good mental training +for you, my boy." + +"So it is," he had agreed, with the forthcoming examination in his mind. +"I say--we'll have a shorthand speed-test presently--but first I'm going +to drag this out of you...." + +And by-and-by I had all but made the confession that it was Miss Causton +whom I adored from a distance and hesitated to approach. + +Another contributory source to this oddest freak of my life was the +terms on which I had returned to the college. That wide and unexpected +development of my new studies was no explanation to anybody but myself; +I had confessed myself, through Archie, to be in love; and the more +closely I applied myself to my mysterious work the less mysterious did +my whole conduct appear. Yet on the whole, even if Miss Causton had +returned at once, I might at the last have feared the hazard with one at +once so suspiciously open and problematically deep as she; and there was +no allowing matters to remain as they were. There was only Miss Windus +for it. + +You see the mess I had landed myself in. + +Yet my unhappiness in all this was only a part of a general change that +was quickly leavening me throughout. It was a change altogether for the +better. I was sick, sick of shifts and tricks and meannesses. I was no +less sick of them in myself than I was when I encountered them in the +Sutts and Polwheles among whom my life was passed. I panted for a +clearer air and a more spacious prospect; I panted for these things +because Evie had loosened the band that had confined the wings of my own +spirit. And with my own spirit thus freed, I would find a way to escape +from the cage of my circumstances. Once I had done with that old life I +would have done with it for ever. And, strange as it may seem, it was +because hope was at last greyly and tardily dawning for me that I +entered into my last despicable tortuousness with Kitty Windus. + + +II + +For as I got deeper into my studies I began to see in it nothing less +than the finger of Providence that I had failed in the second part of +the examination in Method. That frustration altered the whole course of +my life. I am, of course, speaking in the light of subsequent events, +but I see now what a mere pass would have meant--a sort of success no +doubt--but a success in a narrow and short-reaching attempt. + +Up to that time my plan had been to qualify myself by means of +certificates, to find a billet elsewhere, and then, with Rixon Tebb & +Masters' recommendation of steadiness and sobriety, really to begin in +some firm where promotion was possible otherwise than by our bottle-neck +of a junior clerkship. I had actually had the choice of no less than +two such firms, and had been already wondering what I should do with my +extra twelve shillings a week--for I should have begun at thirty +shillings. + +And then I had failed. + +Well, heaven be thanked for it. In that failure I sounded, for the last +time--but no; for the last time but one--the bass-string of my poverty. + +For now, as I saw my new work gradually unfolding, it sometimes so +excited me that I could hear my own heart thumping in my breast. Do you +know that feeling--that in your brain there is already born, and growing +apace, an idea that you do not believe to be guessed at by any creature +in the world except yourself? As a matter of fact I now know that my +idea was being simultaneously worked upon elsewhere. Sir Julius (then +"Judy") Pepper was pegging away at it in his back room in Endsleigh +Gardens, hardly a mile from where I brooded over it myself; and if you +have never heard of the association of Jeffries and Pepper you know very +little about these things. Still, all was in darkness then save for that +single ray far ahead that seemed to indicate a way out; and even now I +have only just begun my life's work--the keying up to concert pitch of +certain branches of commercial distribution that, by the time I and my +successors have finished, will make men wonder how such a phenomenon as, +say, the railway strike of last year could ever have been possible. + +Nor was this deepest peace that the man of action knows--his certainty +about what his task in the world must be--the whole of my spirit's +unexpected re-birth. This held out the promise of material--and shall I +say "ethical?"--well-being; and my eyes were now opened to more than +that. I hesitate to call this new thing "religion." I would rather +define it as the clear and immutable knowledge that all things _do_ work +together to an end, good, bad or morally unconnoted. It was a perception +of powers and forces, not at variance, but working in harmony towards +some cosmic consummation. I don't think that is religion. I don't think +it would save a soul. But it not only saved, but made altogether its +own, my reason. I believed in the power and divinity of a thing, if not +in those of a Being. And I believe that I should have got further even +than that. + +And if it be true that we treat the world as we are treated by it, this +changed my attitude to all with whom I came into contact. I am not +thinking now of Kitty Windus, for she, poor soul, was but an episode, +though one I have found is hard enough to make away with. I am thinking +of Sutt, of Polwhele, of the proprietor of my public-house, of the +drivers and porters of my restaurant, of the men and women, seen and to +be seen no more, who passed me in the streets. And I am thinking of Evie +Soames. + +For it was side by side with her sweetness that I conceived all this +authority and strength and vision to exist. It was all, I knew not how, +hers--hers and mine. I could not successfully resolve a problem nor work +out an equation but something within me cried, "That is ours, my +love!--something seized from the limbo of things-not-known-yet, for +you, dear, and for me!" I could now even bear to work away from her, in +another room of the college, among the files of the Patent Office, at my +own place. When her face rose, as it ever did, between me and my paper +or page, I knew peace now, not jealousy. Had I put into words the +thoughts that then filled me those words would have been, "Yes, my +own--you see what I'm doing--it is for us, and it won't be long--go +away, sweetheart, but not very far." And so I dreamed harder and worked +harder than I have ever done in my life, and both came easily to me, +because I had at last clearly seen my goal. + +Yet you are not to suppose that I was not unwinkingly wakeful too. This +was my inner life, and it informed, but did not abate, the vigilance of +my outer one. I think that three times out of four I knew (at first at +any rate) when Archie had been to Woburn Place, and perhaps twice out of +four when he had sought a lower pleasure elsewhere. It would take too +long to tell you how I ascertained all this. I did so under a mask of +casualness that practice and my new-born hope had now made quite easy. + +And so I come to my acceptance by Kitty Windus. + +Espionage upon Woburn Place was only a part, and by far the lesser part, +of it. I had my impossible position to explain. And not only had I to +explain it, but my original lie had left me only one other way of +explaining it--the giving up of Evie once for all. That I could have +more easily done months back than I could now that hope had brought her +so (I speak comparatively) tantalisingly near. I admit that the chance +that I might be introduced at Woburn Place as Miss Windus's _fiancée_ +did weigh, and horribly. I no longer hated her. I pitied her. I do not +mean that this pity was in the least degree akin to love in that word's +sense as between man and woman; but by salving a little my self-content +it did, practically, help me to carry the thing out. But I swear, +however much I may appear to put myself upon the defensive in doing so, +that of itself the prospect of Woburn Place would not have swayed me. + +I have not the heart to remember the earlier stages of my duplicity. Too +many crawling things lie beneath that stone of my life for me to wish to +turn it over. Let me summarise by saying that, by a slow and nicely +calculated relaxing of my stiffness, and a gradual and lingering and +gratuitous prolongation ever and again of certain opportunities of +intercourse, I had, by the beginning of March, so counterbalanced my +former aversion that, in a word, anything might happen, and at any +moment. + +Poor, lonely, starved spinster heart! I have far more ruth for what I +did to you than for what I did to another! + +But let me, before I go on, see whether there was anything during the +months of January and February that I may not omit.... No, I think there +is little. Miss Causton still remained away; I pursued my new +investigations; that segregation of newness of the first-year students +relaxed a little, but without affecting that slight unconscious coming +together of the older ones that it had brought about; and I think Archie +Merridew divided his time between Woburn Place and Leicester Square +pretty equally. I think that is all. I pass on. + +It was in Lincoln's Inn Fields that I entered into a pledge with Kitty +Windus that I had no intention of ever redeeming. I had not thought when +I had left the college that night that it would come so quickly. I had +planned a long walk, and, passing through Great Turnstile, had come upon +Miss Windus looking into the window of an antique shop. I had stopped +and gazed with her, and then, presently moving away, we had passed +together into the square. + +She told me afterwards that she had been merely aimlessly wandering, +having been to Woburn Place the evening before and fearing to weary her +welcome there by going again the next night; but I did not know this +then. Therefore, when presently she stopped at the corner where the +street leading to Kingsway now is and said, "Well, I think I'll go +back," I was a little surprised. Then I understood and laughed. + +"I'm so sorry," I said, "I thought this was your way. I don't know that +it's particularly mine--I was only taking a stroll--so if you don't mind +I'll walk back with you." + +Thereupon we turned back into the Fields. + +It was this mutually made discovery that neither of us was pressed for +time that brought simultaneously into our minds some slight +self-consciousness that for the first time in our lives we should be +thus killing an hour in one another's company. Her own embarrassment +presently gave expression to this. + +"How nice," she said, after we had walked half the length of the central +garden railings in silence, "to feel sometimes that you haven't got to +talk if you don't want to!" + +The remark, commonplace as it was, gave me a new glimpse of her. I knew +that she read a better class of novel than my Evie, and with the results +you might suppose. I don't seriously believe that Evie's "scions of +noble blood" and the rest of her novelette paraphernalia had any point +of contact with real life for her, but Miss Windus carried over the +triteness she got from her reading into her thought and speech. +Therefore, since I myself, though no eloquent speaker, believe that +tongues were made to talk with, I again laughed a little. + +"Yes," I replied, "provided always that you aren't silent merely because +you've nothing to say." + +I think this penetration, such as it was, struck her with quite +remarkable force; and, as the novels provided no reply to it, she was +again silent for a time. We were approaching the corner of Great +Turnstile again, but I don't think she noticed it. We turned down by +Stone Buildings and began to complete the circuit of the Fields. + +"Mr Merridew said you were very clever," she remarked at last. "What +_do_ you study all by yourself in the senior classroom, Mr Jeffries?" +she asked, the quizzical little triangles of her eyes turned up to mine +in the light of a lamp that hung like a beacon over the garden railings. +She wore a plaid Inverness cape and a boat-shaped hat that night, I +remember, and would doubtless have worn rubber heels had those articles +been invented. Never woman made a slighter physical appeal to man than +she. + +"I'm not quite sure myself yet," I replied, as truthfully as made no +matter. "Part of it at any rate is human nature in business." + +"I love human nature," she said. + +I knew I had only to speak. In the light of the wrong I was about to do +her I freely forgave her all her past pretences towards myself. All +grapes had been sour to poor Kitty, and I didn't doubt she had made +brave attempts, and still braver concealments of failure. Baboon or +anybody else, there she was at his pleasure so her reproach be but taken +away. For already I had decided that it might as well be now as later. + +"Yes," I answered, as if absently, and we walked on. + +The night was slightly frosty, and over the houses to the north of the +Fields the glare of Holborn shone rustily. There were few people about. +As we walked, by this time almost used to the strangeness of one +another's company, I wished that the central garden of the square had +not been closed; at least she would have had the association of a tree +and a plot of grass to go with her plighting. But I knew that such +weaknesses as this were not safe, and shut peremptorily down on them. +She seemed so pathetically small and skimpy by my side, and had I +yielded even a little I could almost have persuaded myself of a +tenderness for her. This I refused to do. I would do nothing to make +easy for myself what would by-and-by prove cruel enough for her. + +We were half way round the Fields on our second circuit before I spoke +again. I moistened my lips and steeled myself. + +"Miss Windus," I said. + +I think a tremor took her instantly with my change of tone. She looked +up, but I did not hear whether she said anything. + +Nor did I say anything. Our hands, as we walked, were close together. I +took hers. + +She made no attempt to draw it away, and we walked so. Presently I took +the hand in my other one, and this brought it across my breast. I +daresay she felt the beating of my heart. + +"Kitty," I whispered. + +She pressed against me a little. + +I don't think it ever entered her head that I intended anything but just +that we should walk, for that one night, round Lincoln's Inn Fields like +this. I don't believe she thought of anything. With even that heel and +paring of love she was content--just to walk so, to-morrow if it was to +be, if not then at any rate to-night, with her hand in a man's and her +shoulder pressing lightly against a man's shoulder. + +Well, she had it. + +"Kitty," I whispered again. This was in a dark shadow on the south side +of the Fields. Without prearrangement we had ceased to walk, and were +standing together, she with her face turned downwards and away, quite +ready to give me all she supposed I wanted of her. + +She couldn't murmur my name in return. She didn't know it. It was, for +her, merely "Man." But instead she gave me that for which I stooped over +her. She gave it with a heartrending impulsiveness throwing back her +head suddenly and leaning her bosom on mine. I felt a pair of dry, +slightly cracked lips on my own and was conscious of an odour of +clothes.... Then we separated again. + +"Oh," she said, with a shaky little exhalation of her breath, "I ... I +didn't think you'd ever look at me--Jeff!" + +This last was a quick invention, to cover her ignorance of my Christian +name. + +She meant that she hadn't thought that anybody would ever look at her. +Every shred of the old pretence of the pertinacities and annoyances of +strangers had fallen from her. She lifted up her face again--and +again--as if by present gluttony to forestall insatiable hungers of the +morrow and the morrow after that. + +For a minute I was well-nigh resolved out of sheer compassion to keep my +word and marry her. + +And even then--think of it!--she had no idea that I contemplated what +was, indeed, my sole reason for action--an acknowledged engagement. She +never dreamed I meant to marry her. It was I who spoke of this, +half-an-hour later. By that time we had been to the bottom of Chancery +Lane and back, and were in the Fields again, once more in that same +shadow where I had kissed her first. She looked at me. + +I can hardly write it. There was first a gleam of fear in her eyes, and +then a leaping. + +"_Jeff!_" she cried in a loud voice that cracked. + +I had to catch her as she began slowly to sink at the knees. + + * * * * * + +So I became engaged. At the college it was a nine days' wonder, but I +let them wonder. So did Kitty Windus, merely pretending that the thing +had been for long a secret understanding. Archie, I remember, smirked +through some form of congratulation when I told him: "What, _not_ Louie +after all!" but it was only when Evie Soames flung her arms about Kitty +Windus' neck and well-nigh about mine also that I began really to wonder +what could possibly come of it all. + + +III + +During those little pauses and lapses of study in which men scribble +abstractedly on the margins of paper, idly forming letters or +noughts-and-crosses or inexpert attempts at portraiture, I myself had a +way of filling my blanks at that time that may serve to explain the +change that had more and more come over me. I used to rub with a pencil, +as evenly as possible, two little squares of grey, and then to put into +the middle of the first of them a spot as black as my pencil could make +it, leaving in the second a similar spot, but one of clean white. Unless +you have tried it you may not believe the difference in effect. The +black spot of the first seems to make denser and darker the whole +square; but the white one lightens and relieves it as the sun does when +it struggles through a mist. By what law of optics this is to be +explained I cannot tell; I can only say that if Kitty Windus, wondering +what I studied all by myself in the senior classroom, had come upon me +at these times, she would have found me pondering over these marginal +trifles as in some way a symbol of my own life. + +For had it not been for this gloomy blot of my betrothal to her I would +not now have exchanged my life for that of any man I knew. So did hope +now irradiate it. I was still an eighteen-shilling Agency clerk; I still +lived in a red and green loft over a public-house; but I now believed in +myself, longed to be able to respect myself, and had already grimly +resolved that others should respect me. + +I was in this state of mind when I first set eyes on Angela Soames. + +I was taken there, of course--to Woburn Place, I mean--by Kitty Windus. +It was within a week of our engagement, so that I had not to wait long +for these first-fruits of my extraordinary position. That night was the +second time I walked with Evie to her abode, for Archie followed a few +yards behind with Kitty Windus. We had dropped into this arrangement on +leaving the college, as men tacitly pay each other's partners the +courtesy of their attentions. + +When I have said that Evie's home was in Woburn Place I have gone a long +way towards describing it. She lived in one of those large apartment +houses that are full of Japanese, Americans, and Indian law students, +with a half-pay officer here and there. She and her aunt had rooms of +their own upstairs, but they dined in the large common dining-room +downstairs, at a table that would almost have resembled that of a public +dinner had it not been for the gaps left by the absent boarders, +several of whom were always dining elsewhere. I never saw that table +full. I have tried to carry on a conversation with my neighbour across +two intervening empty chairs. I have had to accept the highly polished +civilities of Indians and Japanese, who have refused to disturb me when +I have removed a rolled napkin in a numbered ring and put a flat and +freshly ironed one in its place. One met niggers and gouty subjects and +antiquated old ladies in the hall and on the stairs; and I was quite +prepared to find Miss Soames the aunt one of these last. + +But she was not in the least so. There was not very much more difference +between her age and my own than there was between mine and +Evie's--though of course what difference there was was all on the wrong +side. She was, I should say, forty-three or four, and I wondered the +moment I saw her how she had got through these forty odd years and +remained Miss Angela. Let me say at once that she had no secret sorrow +(though Kitty always vowed she had). When, later, she told me, with the +greatest self-pluming in the world, that she "could have been married" +more than once or twice, she told me nothing I should not have guessed; +but merely to have had these opportunities seemed entirely to content +her detached and unruffled and rather aimless soul. She had had the +refusal of them--and she coquetted with that. She had avoided the pains +of marriage--and remained the white-haired _ingenué_. It later became +one of Kitty's irritating tricks to "wish she had hair like that"--a +beautiful tower of it dressed _ą la Marquise_; but in nothing else could +Kitty ever have resembled Angela Soames.... But perhaps I may be wrong +in my estimate after all. Perhaps no man can really understand that kind +of woman, who cannot lose all herself even when she marries and loses +not very much less when she does not. Evie, I concluded, probably had +her passion for abandonment from her mother. + +I was introduced to the elder Miss Soames in her sitting-room. This +apartment, like herself, seemed to trail even into Woburn Place hems and +fringes of past prosperity. The room itself was not much more than a +cold-blue-papered, corniceless box--but, as the first of a number of odd +little contrasts, a shield-shaped embroidered firescreen hung on a +slender stem near the fire. The door was painted yellow and grained--but +a pair of handsome silver candlesticks stood on the mantelpiece. There +was a threadbare lodging-house carpet--and a black bear-skin hearthrug, +the head of the animal worn bald by Miss Angela's paste-buckled slipper. +And so on. On the round table stood a rosy-shaded lamp (that did _not_ +change to a corresponding shade of green as you looked). Miss Angela +herself wore a soft old grey with a thin Indian silk shawl cast over +her shoulders, and I remembered, as I looked at her, certain former +angry conclusions I had come to about her. I took them all back. +Charmingly unsure of herself in everything, from her love affairs +downwards, she might be, but she did not parrot precepts about the "less +fortunately circumstanced." We shook hands, and I was told that I might +smoke. Archie had come in smoking. + +I did not talk very much during this my first call. Indeed, Miss Angela +murmured, as if to herself, some half-mischievous, half-tactful remark +about an "ordeal"; and my slight nervousness passed as part of Kitty's +"showing off" of me. But the others made up for me, and I listened, +smiling, but silent except when I was directly addressed. + +This I presently was by Miss Angela, and on a point no less interesting +than the way in which Archie spent his evenings. It had already appeared +that he was to celebrate a birthday two days thence, and Miss Angela had +asked him to spend the evening with them. + +"You've given us a very cold shoulder lately," she said; "why, your +mother's been remarking on it!" She pulled a faded tapestry hassock +towards her with her foot, the fire being too hot to allow her to make +use of the bear's head, and reached for a paper fan with which to keep +the heat from her face. "I hope it's not _you_ who take up all his +time, Mr Jeffries?" + +I answered that it was not, and Evie, who had removed her hat and coat +and was now tidying her hair before the mantelpiece mirror, laughed. + +"Mr Jeffries' time is spoken for now--isn't it, Kitty?" she said. + +I saw her look at Archie as she said it. He was astride the hearthrug, +allowing the smoke of his cigarette to stream up his nostrils, and she, +as she arranged her hair, had to look at herself almost over his +shoulder. Her occupation left the whole of her young bosom quite +defenceless had there been a pair of arms to pass about it, and the soft +look she gave him was a double provocation. But he did not return the +look. He moved a little aside, also finding the fire hot, and flipped +his cigarette ash into the fender. + +"I don't think an engaged girl ought to come between a man and all his +old friends," Kitty pronounced. Her look at me was a promise that she +would never come between me and Archie. + +Miss Angela gave a contented little laugh. + +"Ah, you all say that at first! Well...." She glanced past Evie at me, +and took me into her confidence with a private smile. It was as if we +two older ones understood that there was something in process that must +not be disturbed. "But if you don't come, Archie," she added, "I shall +write straight to your mother! You'll come too, Miss Windus?" + +Kitty glanced at me. + +"Oh, of course I mean Mr Jeffries too!" said Miss Angela archly. + +"Oh, of course him too!" quoth Archie, from the hearthrug, loosening his +scorching trousers. "Two hearts that beat as one--you bet--twopence into +a penny show _now_, Jeff!" + +And again Miss Angela, with a look this time past him, seemed to invite +my attention to something. + +You may guess that my attention needed little inviting. So far, my +surmise, that she adored him while she took the admiration a little +impatiently, seemed to be pretty near the mark; and I was confirmed in +this when she presently sat down on the companion hassock beyond the end +of the fender, and, with her face a little averted, sank into +moroseness. It was merely because her glance as she stood before the +mirror had not been returned, but I myself had known too well what it +was to be uplifted and cast down again by these nothings not to +understand. + +And Archie too understood, if the jocular and would-be easy manner in +which he tried to drag her into the conversation again meant anything. I +suspected that this was not the first incident of the kind that had +occurred between them. Presently he had twice addressed her directly +without getting more than the shortest of replies; and the third time +he did so (he, Kitty and Miss Angela had been talking about some +indifferent matter) he added the words, "that is, when Evie's found her +tongue again." + +My darling had a temper of her own. "I didn't know I'd lost it," she +said, with a little perverse snap. + +Then she dropped into her sulks again. + +"These lovers' quarrels!" Miss Angela's private smile to me seemed to +say; but this time I evaded the discreet invitation to participate. + +"Well," Archie said presently, looking at his watch, "I must be off; +I've a chap to meet. Thanks, Aunt Angela (beg pardon; I know you don't +like being called that). I'll come on Thursday, then." + +But Miss Angela exclaimed: "A man to meet! At this hour!" + +Archie took his hat from a chair. "Yes. About a dog. Why not? Fox +terrier," he added facetiously; "must make sure they've got over the +distemper, you know. Thursday then. You two are staying a bit, I +suppose?" he invited us. + +He made his adieux; but almost before the door had closed behind him +Evie had risen from her hassock. + +"You'll excuse me, won't you?" she said quickly. "I've got a headache. I +shall go straight to bed. Good-night." + +And she followed him out--whether straight to bed or not I don't know. +Kitty and I followed shortly afterwards. + +And now that I've got to this Woburn Place portion of my story I may as +well, while I am about it, skip the two intervening days and come to the +evening of Archie Merridew's birthday. + +Thursday was not in any case one of Evie's class evenings, and on that +Thursday she must have been very busy indeed. We were to go to supper at +eight; and as the routine of the boarding house did not provide for +private entertainments the aunt and niece had had all to do themselves. +The supper was therefore of necessity cold, with the exception of some +hot soup, which I suspect to have been heated over a bedroom fire; and +for the furnishing of the round table with the pink-shaded lamp Miss +Angela had rummaged in drawers and trunks and bundles, with notable +results. White heavy plates with the name of the boarding house +contained within an oval garter were set between common knives and +delicate and worn old silver forks and spoons, really beautiful glass +finger-bowls stood on straw mats with a circular hole in the middle; and +a long slender-handled punch-ladle stuck up out of the cheap earthenware +jug full of home-made lemonade. + +I suspect, too, that Evie had changed her mind a dozen times about the +height of her dress at the neck; and probably her aunt's guidance had +led her finally, since she had no special dress for the evening, to +reject the compromise of altering her blouse to an intermediate =V=. Her +dark hair had been newly washed. A softer lace than Kitty Windus' came +quite up to her ears, and Miss Angela had lent her a pearl ring, which +seemed to be mutely asking to be transferred to the finger next to the +one on which she wore it. She was in white, with a longer skirt than +usual; Miss Angela wore the old grey and Indian silk shawl she always +wore; and Kitty looked prettier than I have ever seen her in a spotted +blue foulard (I think I have that right) with wonderfully crimped +sleeves and a cameo brooch at her rather wiry throat. + +She and I arrived before Archie, who, indeed, was a full quarter of an +hour late. When he did turn up, there mingled with his apologies the +bumptious assumption of ease with which he sought to make a joke of his +negligence. He came in noisily, as if he intended to make the party a +success out of hand; and before he had been in the room half-a-minute a +whiff told me what I had instantly surmised from the brightness of his +eyes--that he had been drinking sherry and bitters already. + +"Thanks, Aunt Angela--but that's not all, I hope!" he cried, as Miss +Angela wished him many happy returns of the day. + +And he skipped to her, passed his arm about her waist, and kissed her. + +"Hope you won't mind for once, Jeff," he went on, dancing to Kitty +Windus. Kitty both stiffened rigidly and flushed with excitement as he +kissed her also on the cheek-bone. + +"Here--I'm going all round now--where's Evie?" he demanded. + +But Evie had slipped out of the room. + +We sat down to supper. + +I found Archie insufferable. He made the whole running with an ignorant +egotism that caused my fingers to itch to box his ears. More than once +he contradicted Miss Angela flatly, instantly trying to redeem the +grossness by laughing loudly and crying, "Excuse my frankness--no +offence--only Archie's way!" He made so familiar both with Kitty and +myself that, out of mere hostility to him, I came very near to an +alliance with her. Evie, I saw, was miserable. How much she knew about +his habits I could only guess; I think that already she knew more than a +little; but his had been the fortune to reveal her to herself, and I am +not sure whether that ever wholly dies. I think it has since died as +much as ever it can. + +"But," Miss Angela said by-and-by, seeking to quieten him, "I've +forgotten to ask you how your father is. Better, I hope?" + +"The pater? Oh, he's all right; it's only a bilious attack. Afraid he +got poisoned with some _foie gras_ he ate--jolly good tack _I_ call +it--I'll have some more, please. And what's that you've got to drink +there, Evie?" + +Evie poured him out some lemonade. He looked at it, but made no remark +on it. + +"Here's your _foie gras_--have some cress with it," said Miss Angela. + +And so we fźted his lordship. + +After supper there were nuts and almonds, which we ate sitting round the +fire. I say "we," but Archie had what was left afterwards. With a +"Half-a-mo," he had gone out, and I myself thought our party much +pleasanter without him. + +But as he remained away, Miss Angela had no choice but to say presently: +"What _can_ have become of our young man? I wonder if you'd mind +fetching him, Mr Jeffries!" + +I went, and found him. + +He had picked up, on the stairs or in the hall, a Japanese with whom he +had contracted some sort of acquaintance, and I heard his call as I +passed the half-open door of the dining-room. + +"Here--Jeff!" he called. "Hold on--I sha'n't be a minute--come and let +me introduce you to Mr Shoto--Mr Shoto, Mr Jeffries." + +I distrust that too affable little race from the other side of the +world, and I gave Mr Shoto the most perfunctory of nods. Archie was +having a very golden whisky and soda with him. + +"Come along--you oughtn't to clear off like this," I said curtly. "Miss +Soames is asking for you." + +"All right--good old Angela--just a minute till I finish this. We were +talking about Japan, or rather Mr Shoto was. Tell him that about the +Yoshiwara, Shoto." + +But that cunning little alien had evidently summed me up already, and +had a different choice of subject for me. + +I haled Archie back. I wondered, as he sat down by Evie, whether he +would have another man about another dog to see presently, but he +hadn't. Magnanimously he gave us the whole of the rest of the evening. +This he did in spite of the cold encouragement he got from Evie. Twice, +I was certain, while his face did not cease to be animated with the talk +he gave the rest of us, his hand sought hers behind the arm of his +chair; but she drew away. Nevertheless she drew away discreetly. By +doing so openly she could have shown him up, but evidently she did not +wish to show him up. There was no irreconcilable difference between +them. She was angry, but not to the point of refusing to make it up +afterwards. And I knew she was not far from unhappy tears. + +Kitty and I were the first to leave. This was at half-past eleven, and +I had no desire to outsit Archie. He would either leave in another +half-hour, which would leave him time for another golden whisky and +soda, or, setting the smoothing over of Evie's ruffled temper before the +attractions of the public-house, would linger till after closing-time, +when there would be no hurry. To see which alternative he would take +didn't on the whole seem to be worth waiting for. + +So Kitty and I took our leave; and as I walked with her to Percy +Street--where she had two rooms over a modiste's--I--and she too--had to +suffer as best we might the kind of thing I will relate in the next +chapter. + + +IV + +From the beginning she wanted one thing, I another. She was prepared to +"love" me (as if it had been a matter of will, to which, nevertheless, I +am quite certain she would faithfully have adhered) on the condition +that that heart of hers should be no longer a parched pod; but I wanted +no more of her than that my name should be linked with hers as that of +her suitor. To me the appearance was the indispensable thing; she wanted +the substance. And she was already plaguing me for it. + +God knows I gave her what I could give. Afterwards, when all was over, +she still had the memory of it. I hope she found comfort in it. + +For of course it was precisely over that which was Evie's, and which I +was resolved to keep for Evie, that we were locked in a grapple. She +lisped and besought and cajoled. Before I began sometimes utterly to +forget that we were betrothed at all I could often have groaned aloud at +her inexpert playfulness; and I doubt whether the wit of man could have +devised a more acute torture than that which I now began to undergo at +her unsuspecting hands. + +For Archie's birthday was early in March, and already the crocuses were +out, and the barrows in the streets were so aflame with daffodils that +the flowers almost illuminated the faces of the sellers of them. It was +still cold and backward, but the days were long past the turn, and while +single twigs were still of a wintry iron hue, in the mass they took a +softness, and the vistas of the parks had perceptibly changed. In the +streets of the wealthy in which I walked the house-painters were at +work, painting doors and railings and window-boxes; and even at my +King's Cross corner the railway companies' announcements told of the +coming summer. Spring was breaking in London--spring, the merry time of +the year--spring, when lovers cannot keep asunder--and when Kitty and +myself could not, yet must, keep asunder. + +In the streets I knew I was fairly safe. Her hand on my sleeve filled me +with no repugnance. Let me, for example, tell you of our walk back to +Percy Street on that night of Archie's birthday-party. + +As we crossed Tottenham Court Road she slipped her hand into my overcoat +pocket, and my own encountered it there. It held it. It retained it +along dark Percy Street, and still retained it when we stopped together +at the side door next the window with the two fly-blown hats on +pedestals that formed the whole of the modiste's display. There I would +have left her; but "Don't go just yet, Jeff," she begged; "just eentie +walk?" + +"Well, a short one," I said. + +We turned up Fitzroy Street into the Marylebone Road, but I was wary of +the dark empty spaces about Regent's Park. The streets and the crowds +for me. Indeed I may say that during this period of our "walking out" no +couple in London sought solitude as I sought to avoid it; and I +resolutely suppressed the thought of what was going to happen when the +warm days should come and she should ask me to take her to Richmond or +Epping or Kew. It was no good meeting that horror half way. + +Therefore. "Well," I said, as we approached Portland Road Station again, +"hadn't we better be turning? It's getting late." + +"I suppose so," she sighed reluctantly, with a pressure of my arm. +"Let's go this way." + +She indicated one of the darker side streets. We took it. + +By-and-by we stood by the modiste's window again. That is not a very +reputable neighbourhood, and as she stood there, lingering out our talk +to the thinnest of excuses, I guessed what was in her mind. But the +general environment of laxity only produced a primness in her. In being +all that she should be, she was sometimes a good deal more. Still, +there was no harm in dallying with a secret thought. + +But under all circumstances she ever displayed a sort of tempted +prudishness. + +"You and Evie and Miss Soames must come in one Sunday and have tea with +me," she said resignedly at last, allowing the thought that some day I +might go up with her to recede. + +"That will be charming," I replied. + +Then she sighed. "It has been so lovely tonight!" + +"In what way?" I asked, forcing a smile. + +"Archie was horrid, and you, Jeff----" + +Yes, I remembered that hostility to Archie certainly had resulted in a +_rapprochement_ between ourselves. + +"Well," she said at last, lifting her face, "good-night, dearest--I know +who _I_ shall dream of!" + +I kissed her, heard the sound of her key in the lock, and, turning, saw +her little face still looking through the half-closed door after me. I +returned to King's Cross by way of Woburn Place, but there was only a +glimmer of light within the fanlight of Evie's dwelling as I passed. +Perhaps Archie had chosen the whisky and soda after all. + +I soon saw that only by means of a studied unemotionalness should I be +able for long to head her off from the things she sought; and I set +about the creation of this atmosphere without loss of time. In this I +found my far-reaching ambition useful to me; I had simply to be +preoccupied with business to be spared much. I had not to play this +part. I actually was a ferment of new plans. That my absorbing ambition +was all for her sake was allowed to pass as understood. And when she +began to make touching attempts to be interested in my affairs, I, lest +a worse thing should befall me, encouraged her. I talked fully and +freely, knowing that I ran no more risk of betrayal than Napoleon did +when he laid before a Russian peasant woman unacquainted with French the +plan of campaign he feared to trust to his own staff. This I did as the +almonds pushed forth their pink, and the plane-trees budded, and the +building birds sang loudly. Once she called me her building bird. + +I had had to tell her, vaguely, about my employment; and I was also +vague about where I lived. Here her own tempted timorousness helped me. +It was not difficult for me to be stern about the proprieties, and +indeed, as she saw this, and began to feel perfectly safe with me, she +even affected a liberality of thought. "Why not?" she would sometimes +ask almost defiantly; "why not see one another in our own places--if +there was nothing horrid?" + +And for that I usually found a surprised stare answer enough. + +But the hunger was on her, and I had to give her morsels. That was a +haggard horror. It was the more horrible that her vanities always turned +on the things of which she had the least reason to be vain. As an +affectionate and devoted and dull spinster my heart was often soft to +her; but her coquetries would have made an angel groan. For example: her +hands were not remarkably pretty; her fingers had almost the pinkness, +and a little of the shape, of the smaller claws of a freshly boiled +crab; but she gave them no rest from display. I was sometimes commanded, +with a vapid imperiousness, to make much of them. And once, on a seat on +the Embankment, she yielded to a temptation never far removed from her. +It was at night; unnoticed, a portion of her hair had shaken loose; and, +suddenly becoming aware of this, and doubtless with some idea of +maddening me with the thought of something prohibited, she put up her +hands, shook down the short mass on her shoulders, and grimaced at me. +The next day she begged, with a shamed face, that I would try to forget +this sin in her--for apparently she had intended it as sin; but I had +nothing to forget. All that I remembered was the contrast, as she had +put the hair up again, between the bosom under her uplifted arms and +that other bosom from which Archie Merridew had turned away as Evie had +stood before the mantelpiece mirror in Woburn Place. + +Her dwelling, which I first visited with Evie and her aunt, was on the +first floor of the modiste's at the back. Her sleeping apartment I never +saw; and of her sitting-room I have no very clear memory now. There was +a penny-in-the-slot gas-meter on the landing, I remember, and the floor +of the room into which one walked was covered with a greenish jute "art +square," with the wide spaces of bare boarding about it stained with +Condy's Fluid. The previous occupant had left on the walls a "French +boudoir" paper with a pattern of thin vertical lines and tiny garlands +of pink rosebuds (Kitty had cleaned it with dough on taking possession). +The furniture was scanty, with a good deal of muslin about it, and a +sewing-machine stood in the back window, which looked over a restaurant +yard. When she had more than two visitors at once she had to fetch an +extra chair from her bedroom, and from the sound her heels made at these +times I gathered that that room was uncarpeted. + +As by quickening degrees she began to accept her unlooked-for situation +more as a matter of course, her thoughts naturally turned to the future +and that I found to involve her whole attitude to Life. The things we +were to do "when we were married" were dictated by the narrowness of her +outlook. She had about a pound a week of her own money, I don't know +exactly where from, but I think from some tramways Edgbaston way, and +this sum, together with whatever she might be able to earn for herself, +was practically the limit of her conception of any income she was ever +likely to have. From the stories she told me of her earlier years I +gathered that she came from a social stratum in which the men are lords +indeed, sometimes "in work," sometimes "out," and apparently content +during these last vicissitudes to be dependent on their wives or sisters +or mothers. It seemed to me such a pitiful little world, of milliners, +lodging-house keepers, music-mistresses, fancy needlewomen and daughters +in offices; and I was given the corresponding male standing. As with the +men her cousins (her nearest relatives) had married, if I should ever +happen to earn money, well and good; if not, so much the worse. She +reckoned only on her weekly pound and her own efforts. And as I learned +that Cousin Alf and Cousin Frank were boundlessly optimistic, and looked +forward to a future no less bright than that of which I felt the +certitude within me, I soon discovered that I was merely indulged in +what in her heart she set down as vapourings. It was the woman who, in +her experience, "kept the home together," and she was prepared to keep +me. + +"Well," I laughed, "I daresay I shall learn to pare the potatoes as well +as Cousin Alf in time." + +But she smiled a sad, wise little smile. I might joke, but she knew. + +"And it's just possible that some time or other I may make a pound or +two," I said, smiling back. + +"There'll be your clothes and pocket-money," she replied. + +So I was to be kept--kept by virtue of my masculinity, as one keeps a +dog to bark. I was to be kept, I divined, somewhere in a suburb, in a +house the smallness of the rent of which would be exactly balanced by +the increased cost of the season ticket that would take me daily to my +work, when I was "in." Even when I was "out" I was to be treated with a +nice consideration, for she "never had liked to see Frank washing up--it +looked so unmanly," but as she said nothing about cleaning boots or +fetching coals, these things apparently were not unmanly. And I wondered +whether the Alfs and Franks were more numerous than I had thought, or +were becoming so. Small wonder their women treated them with almost +contemptuous tolerance, blazing out once in a while into a row. And I +now see that in this sense I wronged Kitty when I said she was one of +Life's takers. There are always two sides to a thing, and on this side +she wanted nothing but to give. + +But, willing as she was to do all this in the future, I soon discovered +that she wanted her small solatium in the present. In the matter of +little treats and outings I did not compare very favourably even with +her Franks and Alfs. As you know, I simply had not the necessary +shillings. And so I began (I knew) to appear "near" and "close" to her. +One Friday evening, as we left the college together, she allowed as much +to be seen. + +"Jeff," she said suddenly, as we approached the corner by the Oxford +together, "do you know, you've never taken me to a theatre yet!" + +Personally I have never greatly cared for the theatre; but it happened +that I had spoken to her once or twice rather off-handedly that evening, +and was not unwilling to make amends. Besides, the theatre might save a +walk in Hyde Park. I pumped up a vivacity. + +"No more I have," I replied. "Good idea. It's too late to go to-night, +but we might have a walk round and see what's on." + +She fell in with the suggestion gleefully, and we walked down Charing +Cross Road and Shaftesbury Avenue, looking at theatre announcements as +we went. At the Circus we turned along Coventry Street, and presently +found ourselves opposite the Prince of Wales'. I think it was _La +Poupee_ that was running there; if it wasn't it was some other piece +that seemed light; and as I like, when I do go to the theatre, to be +amused rather than instructed, I plumped for _La Poupee_ as against +Kitty's suggestion--some stern and ennobling tragedy. I had drawn my +week's money that evening. It would be a sorry business if, with all +those years of Alfing and Franking before me, I could not once in a +while spare five shillings out of my eighteen; and so we elected for _La +Poupee_ for the following evening. + +We went. We waited for perhaps two hours outside the pit door, but, as +Kitty said when at last we did get inside, our places were worth it. +When we were married, she said, we ought to be able to afford at least +one theatre a month--she didn't in the least mind going to the +gallery--and it would be something to think about for the next month. +She didn't intend, when we were married, to get rusty. We were going to +have our little outings like other married people, and if I continued, +when we were married, to like light things and she serious pieces, we +would choose in turn. And so on. I only half heard. I was spreading my +remaining ten shillings over the week to come--ten shillings, mark you, +not thirteen, for I had had to buy Kitty a ring, for which I was paying +at the rate of three shillings a week. + +Nothing happened at that performance of _La Poupee_. I am merely telling +you this in order that you may see exactly how we stood, not at the +crisis of our lives, but during the intervening stretches. I added to +the problem of the coming week by giving a shilling for a box of +chocolates, and no extravagance I have ever committed brought me a +richer return than Kitty's look of pleasure. I suppose that really this +was all that was demanded of Alf and Frank--a trifling, unexpected +superfluity once in a while. Lucky fellows! I, however, was neither a +Frank nor an Alf, my dreams were not the mere beguilings of an idleness; +and neither during my courtship (my real one, I mean) nor thereafter was +I going, in any woman's heart, to lord it on so little. + + +V + +I remember the Sunday on which Evie, Miss Angela and I first took tea +with Kitty Windus for two reasons. The first was that Miss Angela, who +at first had begged to be excused, had come after all (knocking on the +head my plan of walking back with Evie alone). And the second was +Kitty's asking me to remain behind after the others had taken their +departure. + +We had gone at four o'clock; and even as the three of us had walked +towards Percy Street together (I had picked the others up on my way) I +had wondered what had suddenly come over Evie. She had seemed pale and +jumpy and morose, and had scarcely spoken a word during the whole of our +walk. Nor had she said very much more as we had eaten the hot muffins +and drunk the tea Kitty had provided. Indeed, the greater part of the +talk had been between Miss Angela and myself, and even that had +languished. + +Then suddenly Miss Angela had said something that had, I thought, +explained matters. Archie's father, whose illness Miss Angela had asked +about on the evening of the birthday-party, had taken a sudden turn for +the worse, and Archie had been summoned to Guildford the day before. + +"Well, we must hope for the best," Miss Angela had concluded. "There's +no need to begin moping yet, child----" + +Miss Angela also had jumped at my own explanation of Evie's +moodiness--that now that Archie was in trouble his misdoings were +forgotten. + +I was to learn my error half-an-hour later, when Evie and her aunt rose +to depart. + +I, of course, had intended to leave with them; but as I held the door +open for them to pass out Kitty said: "You stay for a few minutes, Jeff; +I've something to tell you.... Good-bye, Evie dear. I do hope your cold +will soon be well, Miss Soames----" + +And she waved her hand to them as they passed down the stairs. + +I swore under my breath, but there was no help for it. I followed Kitty +back into her sitting-room. She crossed to the fireplace and sank into a +canvas deck-chair with her back to the sewing-machine. I remained +standing, with my hat in my hand, at the other corner of the +mantelpiece. + +She had allowed her head to fall back against the sagging canvas, and +had closed her eyes. + +"Sit down," she said, without opening her eyes, and, wondering what was +wrong, I reached for her bedroom chair and sat down. + +"What's the matter?" I asked, a little alarmed already, though I knew +not why. I wondered if anything had been discovered about myself. There +were, as you know, plenty of such things to discover. + +Her eyes still remained closed, but her head fell a little on one side. +It was not until I had asked her again what was the matter that she +spoke. + +"It's--it's dreadful!" she moaned. "I--I can see you haven't heard----" + +"What is? Come, come!" I said, with some concern but more impatience. +"No, I've not heard anything to take on like this about--unless you mean +something about Archie's father?..." + +"No, it's nothing to do with Archie's father. Oh, I can't possibly tell +you, Jeff----" + +It was on the tip of my tongue to say that in that case it was of little +use my remaining; but she went on. + +"Just a minute," she said. "You haven't heard ... about Louie Causton?" + +I was certainly surprised. You will remember that I had not set eyes on +Miss Causton since the evening of the breaking-up party, when she had +danced twice round the room with me, sought me out again subsequently, +and told me what the result had since falsified--that she was returning +to the college in the new term. + +"No," I said abruptly. "What about her? Nothing wrong, I hope?" + +But she only sobbed, "Oh, Jeff!" and with her eyes still closed put out +a helpless hand. + +I had to approach and take the hand before I learned what the mystery +was. I don't know whether you have already guessed it. I hadn't, but for +all that my surprise, great as it was, passed even in the moment of +Kitty's broken whispering in my ear. I had known Louie Causton for a +deep, still pool; I don't think any revelation whatever could have added +to my respect for her powers of irony and nonchalance; and yet when I +say that my surprise passed it passed only to return. Good gracious!... +I seemed to hear her carefully lackadaisical voice again as she had +munched nougat: "So long since I've seen a man, my dear" ... and other +circumstances, unmarked at the time, flashed on me now. + +A child! + +"Good gracious!" I breathed again in consternation. + +My next thought was of Evie. + +I was kneeling by Kitty's chair, holding her hand. I asked quickly: + +"Does Evie know of this?" + +"Yes." + +"And does she know you're telling me?" + +"Yes." + +"And of course Miss Soames does not know?" + +"No." + +"She thinks as I thought, that it's about Archie's father Evie's so +upset?" + +"Yes; but perhaps she is about that too a little. I'm horribly upset, +Jeff." + +This last I took as a hint that the effect of this very startling +intelligence on Evie was not the first thing to be considered. + +"Yes, yes.... I see...." I murmured. + +We were silent, and I felt Kitty's fingers move within my grasp. They +pressed mine more closely. + +"Don't leave me just yet, Jeff," she begged faintly. She was genuinely +prostrated. + +"No, no," I said. "Let me think for a minute...." + +The next moment my brain was buzzing with thought. + +I knew that only some such contact with plain raw actuality as this had +been lacking in order to make Evie's transition from girlhood to +womanhood complete. No longer now was she the fair young tree standing +over its sprinkling of delicate discarded sheaths; this puff of Life's +east wind had carried away the last of them. She had heard of these +things, and so in a sense knew of them; but that somebody she knew ... +that it should have come so near ... yes, poor shocked heart, that +finished it. Archie's insupportable vanities had begun her +enlightenment; the menace of his father's condition had touched her with +the fringe of its shadow; and now this revelation had come upon her. + +Mr Merridew's illness, moreover, had a plainly seen peril for me. I knew +that if anything happened Archie would immediately have enough money to +marry on, and my own labours--all that I had planned and done from the +first moment of my loving her to this present hour when I sat in Kitty +Windus' back room holding Kitty's hand--would go for nothing. They, Evie +and Archie, would probably marry, and I--I knew this in that moment for +a certainty--I, from sheer yielding, should find myself married to Kitty +Windus the moment I could scrape the money together. + +I gave a soft groan. I don't know whether Kitty supposed my groan the +commiseration for Louie Causton. + +Yet what else, if I had chosen a different line, could I have done? +Nothing! My shrinking heart cried, Nothing! What was I to have spoken to +a young girl of marriage? An Agency clerk--with dazzling hopes! A +dweller over a sordid publi-house--and a dreamer of visions! The +possessor of a single suit of presentable clothes, the knees of which I +was even now deteriorating past remedy--and of a heart tapestried with +purple and gold, filled with an almost insensate ambition! + +And I saw Evie only at all on the well-nigh insupportable footing that I +was the betrothed of Kitty Windus! + +Oh, if I had but had two suits of clothes, and thirty-six shillings a +week instead of eighteen shillings, I think I would have cut the knot +there and then and have sought Evie out that very night and asked her to +marry me! + +Then after a time I became more practical. Things, even the +heart-breaking small things of my life, were after all slowly changing. +One of these things was that my slavery at Rixon Tebb & Masters' was +already promising to draw to a close. I have not yet spoken of this. Let +me do so, briefly, now. + +Once more I had been looking for a billet elsewhere, and this time I had +excellent hopes of success. The post for which I had applied would not +be vacant for six weeks yet, but I had forced a personal interview with +one of my prospective employers, and had done what I had intended to +do--impressed him strongly with a sense of my mental capacity. He had +promised me his interest, and, unless he forgot it again (which, of +course, was not impossible), I might have at least enough for one to +live on before long. And once more my wider hopes were, I knew in my +soul, not illusions. Soon there would remain only the bond that tied me +to Kitty, and, with that broken, I would no longer envy even Archie +Merridew that luck and weak charm of his that in the past had so often +seemed more valuable than all I possessed. + +But Kitty, lying back in her deck-chair, had opened her eyes again. They +were full of softness and fright. She spoke. + +"I wonder, Jeff--whether----" she said timidly and stopped. + +"You wonder what, Kitty?" I asked gently. + +"I know how strict you are--and if you say no I won't--but if I might go +and see her----" + +"Miss Causton?" + +"Not if you don't wish it, Jeff----" + +I considered. + +"Has she asked you to go?" + +"No--but if you wouldn't mind--very much----" + +It mattered little to me, but I had to pretend to ponder deeply. + +I really don't know whether I felt sorrow for Miss Causton or not. She +was altogether beyond my comprehension. For all I knew my sorrow might +be an impertinence. So I must seem to ponder. + +"Where is she?" I asked. + +"She's taken rooms in Putney." + +"Alone?" I asked, with a quick glance at Kitty. + +"Oh yes!... Until June or July, that is----" + +"It is then that she expects----" + +"Yes.... And I thought, Jeff, that perhaps next Saturday--we shall be +out that way----" + +We had arranged a little excursion for the following Saturday, the four +of us--Evie and Archie, and Kitty and myself. We were to wander on +Wimbledon Common. + +"I never really knew her well, Jeff, understood her, I mean," she went +on, "but after all I did see a good deal of her. It's horrible, when I +remember the things she used to say.... And--and--you've made such a +difference to me, darling--I wasn't going--to be married--before.... I +should like to go, Jeff--just once," she begged. + +"You wouldn't commit yourself to anything?" + +"Oh no!" + +"Does Evie want to go too?" I asked. + +"No. She says she couldn't bear it. She cried half last night as it is." + +"Then you'd call on your way next Saturday, and meet the three of us +later?" + +"Yes." + +"Very well," I concluded. "You'd better go." + +She threw her arms impulsively about my neck. + +Then a change came over her. I think the change began with the failure +of the supply of gas from the penny-in-the-slot meter. She had arranged +for her little party a pink tissue-paper shade about her milky globe, an +idea she had borrowed from Woburn Place; and slowly its colour faded. I +had several pennies in my pocket. Quickly I felt for them. + +But she moved closer to me. I was still on my knees by her deck-chair. + +"Don't bother about it--just for once, Jeff," she murmured. + +She could do it with impunity now. After what had passed our situation +could hardly be commonplace, and our nearness was as little compromising +as nearness ever can be. She luxuriated in her little perilous +letting-go--could toy with, and yet be immune from, a danger. + +Slowly the gas expired, and the firelight glowed on the blue and white +check tablecloth and the disarray of tea-things upon it. On the back +wall of the restaurant yard was a square of orange light which the +shadow of a waiter's head crossed from time to time. I don't know that +with some men--Mackie, for instance--her position would have been all +she supposed it to be, but, poor heart, she had had little enough +experience from which to surmise that. And I myself could hardly be said +to be there at all. She lay in my arms; and in whatever false sweet +fancies she lay endrowsed she was not alone. I had my torturing vision +too. It was neither of her nor of Louie Causton, that vision. I was +trying to persuade myself that she was another than Kitty Windus. + + +VI + +Of our visit to Wimbledon on the following Saturday I intend to say as +little as may be. When you have read it you will not, I know, ask my +reason. + +Archie did not appear. This time he had cause enough. The wire which was +handed to me at Rixon Tebb & Masters' a little before Saturday midday +(Polwhele brought it to me with a look that said plainly, "What next?") +announced that his father had died during the night, and he had +despatched it from Victoria Station on his way down to Guildford. +Instantly my heart leaped. + +Kitty was going to see Miss Causton. If, this new tidings +notwithstanding, Evie would still keep to the engagement, I should have +an hour with her alone. + +I persuaded Evie to come. At first she obstinately refused, but I had +the support of Miss Angela, to whom I privately whispered the +desirability of "taking her mind off it." We left Woburn Place, the two +of us, called for Kitty, and sought the Putney 'bus. Kitty left us at +the corner of a street off the New King's Road, and Evie and I passed on +to the bridge. + +That was about four o'clock, and Kitty was to rejoin us near the +Windmill at an hour that would depend upon the length of her stay with +Miss Causton. She expected to be at the Windmill by five. + +But at five there was no sign of her, nor had she appeared by half-past +five. At a little before six I said to Evie, "She'll know we've gone on +to the nearest place to tea, and will follow us. Let's go----" + +Not far from the Windmill, on the Wimbledon side, there is a sort of +small hamlet, with cottages and alleys and split-oak palings, and a +refreshment house at the end of a garden. There Evie and I had tea, and +there we sat after tea, waiting for Kitty. I talked of this and that, +all very much away from the two subjects uppermost in her heart, and by +half-past six I had given Kitty up. + +"She's missed us," I said. "We may happen to run across her, but it's no +good waiting here. Shall we take a turn before we go back?" + +We left the refreshment-room, and walked among the gorse and birches in +the direction of Queen's Mere. + +It was a green and amber evening, with the shadows already deepening +over Coombe Woods and the calling of homing rooks in the air. Here and +there in the glades family parties still continued to play games with a +ball that was quickly becoming difficult to see, and lovers appeared +among the coppices. The blackthorn was over, and the may hung in sprays +of delicate drooping buds; and in the south-west hung the pale sickle of +the new moon. Evie and I, saying little, dropped down a steep over-grown +alley that led to the mere, and it was in a sandy bottom at the foot of +the alley that I heard a distant rasping call. Another call followed it, +and then a throaty thrilling, and then another short series of acrid and +moving calls. + +It was a nightingale. + +By the time we had reached the motionless amber-green water it had +broken into full song. + +I cannot tell--hitherto I have not attempted to tell--the mystery of +that eve and of the song with which it rang. I cannot speak--nor would I +if I could--of the responses that eve and that song called up in my +heart. It was, I think, for both of us as if that bird's voice cried +aloud all that we had left unuttered during the past few hours. Even +Louie Causton, even Archie's father, had their part in it. It was as if +that voice spoke of the feeble and infinitely moving wonder of birth--of +the impinging of that relentless shadow that closes all--and of the +griefs and joys and smarts and healings again of the brief passage from +that unknowing to this forgetting again. All this crowded upon me in +that exquisite agony of notes. And more came, until I could hardly +endure it. There was no poignancy, no utter melting and surrender, that +those importunate wellings did not give to the falling night. The +unattainable greatness of Life and our own puny reachings forth for that +greatness--Life's glory and the indignities of the miserable livers of +it--Life's majesty and the nosings and burrowings of the fallen heirs to +that majesty--all these shortcomings were reconciled in the song; and +what man would be, that for an hour he was. I fail in expressing this; +Evie, I am sure, did not seek to express it; but in that loud and lost +and anguished outpouring, raptures and torments were folded together as +in an Amen.... For one moment only I shuddered; I had remembered that +but for an accident I might have stood by that water, listening to that +song, with Kitty Windus, but the physical convulsion passed, and the +bird sang on. + +I had not looked at Evie. I do not think she knew she had drawn a little +closer to me. Other listeners had been attracted by the melody, but we +stood in a shadow, near a rill that fell into the mere. The water was +nacre; the moon's sickle in it was a thin blade of amethyst; and I +thrilled unspeakably as the bird's song changed without warning to long, +low, caressing notes that drew the heart out of me as the nectar-bag of +a floret is drawn from a flower. I heard Evie's slow sob. + +Oh, might I but have crushed out that other nectar, to transmute into +honey of our own! + +Suddenly Evie flung herself on my breast, sobbing and strangling. Her +fingers worked at the lapel of my collar; by bending my head I could +have touched her small white knuckles with my lips. I was conscious that +in my efforts not to do this I bared my teeth like a dog, but I +remembered in time that to snatch was to lose. It was not my bosom +against which her bosom heaved--it was the nearest sentient +resting-place on which she could lay it. Her unhappiness and her +happiness, her dream and her disillusion, her knowledge and her already +failing hopes, rushed together in her sobs. Her love of a wastrel and +her love for all he was a wastrel, and that hidden and sacred nook from +which Louie Causton had ruthlessly ripped the curtain--for the pure +strangeness of these things her tears gushed forth. I felt the long +heave of her body. + +"Come, come, my dear!" I said, with an infinitude of tender +encouragement, close to her ear. + +"Oh--oh--oh!" she sobbed. + +"Dear, dear girl!" I murmured, passing my arm about her to support her. + +But at that moment I could no more have said or done more than this than +I could have sued for a favour by the bier of a scarce-cold lover. + +"Hush, poor child!" I whispered, patting her shoulder. "Come, let's go. +Let's leave that dreadful bird." + +"Just a--mi--mi--minute----" she quavered. "I--I--love it--and I can't +bear it----" + +Even so did I love, and yet could scarce bear to hold the tender form in +my arms. + +Presently we left the mere, mounted the dark lane, and began to cross +the common. Her hand was now on my sleeve, and it did not leave it +again. Once her fingers made an impulsive little pressure on it, which, +I cried sternly to my heart, I must not regard. But God knows the war +there was between the sweetness of it and my fortitude. + +"Jeff," she said more quietly by-and-by, using that name for the first +time. "I--I couldn't have borne it if it hadn't been for you. It was +too--too----" + +"Never mind, dear," I soothed her. "Let's walk a little more +quickly--your aunt will be wondering what's become of you----" + +She laughed tremulously. "Kitty will be wondering what's become of +_you_," she said. Then she added timidly, "She's a lucky girl!" + +"Oh? Why?" I asked. + +"You're so--so----" + +But she did not say what. + +We turned down Putney Hill. + + * * * * * + +I said I should say little of this, and I shall say no more. I took her +home, but did not go in with her, neither, though I ought to have done +so, did I seek Kitty. I went home, but all that I knew of my getting +there was that I found myself sitting, with my hat and coat still on, on +the edge of the bed in my red-and-green-lighted apartment. + +They were turning out from the public-house below when at last I rose +sluggishly and began to prepare for bed. + +For half the following week I was outside and beyond myself. + +But exactly a week, less a day, from that Saturday on which I had held +Evie in my arms there dropped a thunderbolt into my life. On that Friday +evening I had gone as usual to the cashier for my wages, and he had paid +me; but as I had turned away again with my eighteen shillings he had +said, as if giving utterance to an afterthought, "Oh--Jeffries--we find +we shall not require your services after this week. You can have your +notice in writing if you would prefer it." + +And he had turned to pay Sutt, the next man in the queue. + + + + +PART III + +THE GARRET + + + + +I + +Poor, fussy, well-meaning Kitty had done it--had done it all +unwittingly. In telling her vaguely where I lived I had left the number +of my house unspecified, and when a letter had come for me to the +Business College on an evening when I had announced my intention of +being away, she, inspired by the urgency of my affairs, had got a +directory and readdressed the letter to me at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. It +was a letter from the firm into whose service I hoped soon to enter, and +I examined the flap of the envelope carefully when finally it did come +into my hands. Polwhele (I have little doubt it was he) had steamed it +open, read it and closed it again. + +This time all I could get out of Gayns, whom I once more approached, was +that Rixon Tebb & Masters' had no use for an employee whose mind was +already elsewhere. + +It was true that the sack from Rixon Tebb & Masters' was not now a +matter of the first importance. That was not the thunderbolt. Scanty as +my wages were I had still saved up nearly three pounds out of them; +and, as the letter that Polwhele had tampered with contained the news +that I might hold myself in readiness to begin my new work a month from +that date, the sum was enough to tide me over. But the letter had a +postscript. This was a merely formal intimation that it was assumed that +I could produce the usual references of steadiness, reliability and so +forth. I myself never dreamed that I should be denied them. + +I was denied them, however, by Polwhele. + +"But--but," I stammered, aghast. + +Polwhele referred me to my real employers, the Agency. I gave him a long +and gradually lowering stare. + +"Do you mean----" I began slowly. + +"I mean what I say," he snapped; and as he turned away he added in a +lower voice, "You ain't surprised, are you?" + +And, remembering how I had seen him with his fingers in Mr Masters' +waste-paper basket, I could not say I was. + +Again I sought Gayns. This time the cashier flew into a passion. + +"Confound you!" he cried. "You're more trouble than all the rest of them +put together! What is it now? A character? Oh yes, you can have a +character! I'd advise you not to show it to anybody, though! First +leaving us--then coming back--then days off--then dickering with other +firms! Go to Polwhele--go to the Agency--go to hell!" + +I left Rixon Tebb & Masters' without references. + +Without references my new firm refused to have anything whatever to do +with me. + +I come now to the deepest slough of my poverty. + +It was early in the month of June that I was thrown out of work, with +thirty-five shillings in my pocket. The drizzling winter had given place +to a glorious early summer, and the days increased in heat until they +became torrid. Men walked Piccadilly at night in evening dress, with +their light dust-coats thrown over their arms; and ragged urchins hailed +the appearance of watercarts with whoops of joy and danced barelegged in +the refreshing puddles behind them. Horses wore straw bonnets, out of +which their ears stuck ludicrously up; in whole districts the water +supply began to be cut off at certain hours of the day; the pitiless sun +gave every street the appearance of a hard, hot snapshot; and, as the +heat got on people's nerves, the cries of children at play became +intolerably strident. + +My corner at King's Cross was well-nigh insupportable. Why the quantity +of torn paper in the gutters should redouble the moment the sun begins +to glare on London I do not know, unless it be that the fried fish and +ready-cooked provision businesses suddenly boom; and certainly the +refuse in which I frequently walked ankle-deep was mostly heavy with +grease. Even had I been able to afford it, my "pull-up" had now become +such a stove that I do not think I could have entered it. I dined, or +rather supped, late at night, at one of the coffee-stalls where the +electric trams now sweep round from Gray's Inn Road to St Pancras +Station; and I breakfasted (my only other meal) on bread and the water I +drew from my tap on the landing before it was cut off. The council +didn't save much in my case by cutting the supply off. I filled every +vessel I could lay my hands on early in the morning. As Miss Causton had +once said, one must be clean, and Archie, whose bath I could now have +passed my days in, was seldom to be found in his rooms near the +Foundling Hospital now. + +For three weeks I trudged the streets looking for work; and then a bit +of luck befell me. The new "professor" at the college broke down under +the heat; it was not desired to give up the Friday evening +advertisement-writing class; and I daresay my anomalous standing at the +place, something between student and pathetic high-and-dry +"institution," was the cause of its being offered to me. I got five +shillings for the evening, and that five shillings kept me for five +days. I discovered that I need not pay my rent. The first week I missed +doing this I made a shamefaced apology to my landlord, the publican, +and discovered that he was not a bad sort. It was too hot to worry about +trifles, he said, and so set himself a precedent that cost him pretty +dearly until, long afterwards, I saw to it that he was not the loser for +having harboured me during that time. + +Wherever I sought work my inability to produce a character damned me; +and on the other hand I was not a Discharged Prisoner. Two or three +times I was taken on casually, once as a packer at a large furniture +emporium, once at a stocktaking for bankruptcy purposes, and once (I +forget how I tumbled into this) I spent a whole day locked in an upper +room of a town hall, counting the voting-papers in some borough or +vestry election--a lucrative ten-shilling job. This was before I got, +and retained for some weeks (until I had the Corps of Commissionaires +down on me), the post of hall porter at the offices of a sporting paper. +I will tell you about that presently. You will see that I am making all +the haste I can to have done with this horrible time. + +Among other things, the general deterioration in my appearance had +forced me to tell Kitty Windus that I was out of work. But I had made +light of it, saying that, on the whole, it was rather a good thing, as I +needed some sort of a spur; but I daresay Alf and Frank had said the +same thing many a time. Presently my former boastings, about the great +things I was shortly going to do, had committed me to the lie that I +had at last found employment. It was my week's stocktaking that I told +this particular lie about, and Kitty never knew when that temporary job +came to an end. Nor, poor girl, did I tell her what she had done when +she had forwarded that letter to Rixon Tebb & Masters'. It would become +me ill to say that she stuck to me because it was myself or nothing for +her; already I had begun to dread that it would be no easy matter to get +rid of her when I might find it necessary to do so: and many a time, as +my despair grew upon me, sweeping all personal reluctances and physical +repugnances aside, I threw pride to the winds, and ate, in her +sitting-room in Percy Street, the only food I had tasted during the +day--becoming an Alf or a Frank in very fact. + +For--perhaps this was partly the effect of the unrelenting heat--her +insipid coquetries had begun to exasperate me more and more. I became +increasingly petulant when I was commanded to "tiss eentie finger" and +to look into the little scalene triangles of her eyes and say that I +loved her. Presently, I am afraid, I began to cause her many tears. We +wrangled frequently. I was "near," I was "close," I did not treat her as +other engaged girls were treated, I never took her anywhere except for a +bus ride, or to a cheap theatre once in a blue moon. + +Then one day, without warning, she brought it up against me that I had +"given her the slip" that afternoon on Wimbledon Common. + +Of this I was technically so innocent, but morally so entirely guilty, +that I broke out into anger, and there was a scene. + +"I know some girls are younger and prettier than I am," she broke out, +with unbridled temper, "but you _did_ ask me to marry you after all." + +"So I did," I admitted, in a tone that made her flame. + +"Yes," she cried shrilly. "And not only that--I've seen you looking at +Louie Causton too." + +"Oh?" I said, noting with relief that her jealousy was not specially of +Evie. "Well, there are one or two pleasing points about her." + +"And she was the only one you danced with at the party." + +"Before I asked you to marry me?" + +"And me--you've never _once_ taken me to a dance, though I've _seen_ +Rachel Levey offer you tickets." + +"Perhaps you've seen me look at Miss Levey too?" + +"And you never spoke to me, and sat behind the books with Louie." + +"Well, there only remains one other suggestion for you to make." + +And so on. It was degrading in the extreme. But I was sufficiently +punished for it later, when she lay with her head on my breast, sobbing +out phrases of contrition for her vindictive temper and supplication for +pardon. + +All, all gone now was the hour of exaltation in which I had heard the +nightingale sing and had felt my glowing girl's breast heaving against +my own. I was a hungry, desperate man, living a life against which I +knew I should not be able to bear up indefinitely, and already glancing +into the public-house as I entered by my side door and beginning to +wonder whether they were not wiser than I who made use of the anodyne of +drink. Why not drink, and forget for at least an hour? And one night, +meeting Mackie again, and having eaten little, I did succumb, and for +the first time in my life got drunk. I got drunk at his expense. He had +heard the news of Louie Causton, and wanted to talk about it. I, like a +cur, let him.... I broke away from him at last, but not until my +loosened tongue had said I know not what. + +My relation with Evie during this time is difficult to define. She never +quite put me back again into the place I had occupied before that +Saturday when we had heard the nightingale together, but newer +preoccupations overlay this relation. Archie now had money (I never knew +quite how much) at his command; but he still showed no sign of putting +it to the use Miss Angela, if not I, had expected--that of entering +into a formal engagement with Evie. Miss Angela found excuses for this +out of her own imagination--that his father had only lately died, and so +on; but I could have set her right even then. I knew how things were +drifting. From the little I remembered of my talk with Mackie, Archie +had found in his coming into money quite another opportunity. What might +have facilitated his marriage with Evie actually delayed it. He was +getting rid of his money in Leicester Square again. + +So Evie's name was associated with his, and yet there was no plighting +between them, and Evie swayed, now happy but with a fear, now +despairing, but not hopelessly so. There was no trouble she could have +brought openly to me even had she wished, but nevertheless she often +turned to me significantly full of silence. She, Kitty and I often +walked homewards together through the sweltering streets, and when Evie +had left us Kitty would speak her mind freely about Archie Merridew. + +"He's one of the Jewness Dorey now!" she exclaimed one evening, taking +the phrase, I don't doubt, from one of her "better class" novels. "And +it's no good saying it's got nothing to do with us! I think _you_ ought +to give him a talking-to!" + +This was in the typewriting-room of the college, within ten minutes of +the close of an advertisement-writing evening. + +"What can I say to him?" I asked. "It's no business of mine." She little +knew how much I had made it my business. + +"Oh, that's just like a man!" she said impatiently, all aglow with the +_esprit de sexe_. "The poor child's moping and fretting, and you say +it's no business of yours! Of course it's the business of _all_ her +friends!" + +"Of all her women friends, maybe," I answered. "Well, if that's so, why +don't you and Miss Angela have a talk about it?" + +"As if we hadn't--twenty!" she cried. "You and your bright ideas. It +isn't fair--it _isn't_ fair to Evie!" + +"But what is it you hope for?" I asked. + +She stared. "Why, that he'll marry her, of course!" + +"Quite so. But I don't mean that. I mean, do you and Miss Angela think +you can bring any pressure to bear?" + +"Yes, I do--young idiot!" she broke out. "He ought to be ashamed of +himself!" + +And I didn't doubt that a certain amount of pressure might be brought to +bear. If it was made less trouble for Archie to marry than not to marry, +he would probably marry. He had not manhood enough, if it was clearly +shown that marriage was expected of him, to hold out. And I knew how +those marriages turned out.... I meditated. + +"But," I objected, "why meddle? You know what a marriage of that kind +would be! You see what he is anyway!" + +But here I had touched Kitty's limitation. For her, as for her novels, +marriage was the end of the story. If joybells closed it nothing after +that mattered, and the look she gave me was a personal confirmation. + +"But," she went on presently, "you could help, Jeff. We women can't talk +to him--though he's not getting very many smiles from _me_ just now!" + +I smiled. "You're an unscrupulous crew," I remarked. + +"Will you see him?" + +"Well--I won't say I won't." + +"But _will_ you?" + +"Perhaps--if I see a fitting opportunity." + +"A fitting. Look!" Her voice dropped. Evie had just come into the +typewriting-room on her way to wash her hands before leaving. "I'll tell +you what," Kitty said quickly; "you go along with her now. See if it +isn't as I say. Then tell me whether you won't give that little idiot a +dressing-down at once." + +She had quite forgotten that twinge of jealousy that had been the cause +of our recent scene. If she hadn't, the more honour to her sense of sex +comradeship. It was about this time that I was beginning quite +frequently to forget that our relation was that of lovers, and as long +as I could forget that, she had pathetic little magnanimities that I +even admired. + +"All right, if you wish it," I said. + +So for once Evie's society was absolutely thrust upon me. + +That night she was all that Kitty had said--plunged in despondency. She +was, of course, "in love with" Archie, but that after all is only a +generic expression. Even love comes down to cases, and I think that in +her case, even then, she was wondering whether, had things happened a +little differently, she might not have been equally "in love" with +somebody else. Of that I myself had never a doubt. With Archie's money, +or even a decent job, I would have flouted the whole world in my +triumphant security that I could make her mine. And I should do so yet. +Though for the present my power might go a-begging, I vowed that it +should yet be taken and richly paid for. The dark and solid houses were +less solid than that something I knew to be within myself, that makes +and unmakes houses and streets and towns and lands.... But gently, +gently; I was not out of the mire yet; by-and-by would be time enough +for these boastings; things must go on as they were for a little while +longer. + +So though I did not speak a word to her that night that bore directly on +the case as Kitty understood it, I did more. I did--I know this +now--make her feel that, glooms and delights apart, she had in me an +affectionate friend to whom she would not come with troubles in vain. I +have been told, and am inclined to believe it, that I have this power +with women. + +And her eyes were soft with friendship as I left her. + +"Good night, Jeff," she said fondly, as I took her hand. "I do like +being with you sometimes." + +And that night, as I lay half suffocated in the room I did not even pay +rent for, the words rang like a chime in my head until the morning +noises marked the beginning of another torrid day. + + * * * * * + +The commissionaire's job I spoke of I got in an odd way. I got it +through the combination of my unusual size with unusual strength. I was +walking along Fleet Street that day when a horse fell, and I, with +others, helped to raise it again. When we had finished, a man at my +elbow spoke both casually and penetratingly. + +"That was as good as anything I've seen for weeks," he said. "Have you +had much practice in holding a whole horse up while the others fasten +the buckles?" + +I laughed. I had certainly had the heavy end of the job, but "Not quite +that," I said. + +He gave me a scrutinising look. "Out o' work?" it seemed to say; but he +did not speak the words. + +"Here, come and have a drink," he said. + +His name was Pettinger. He was a sporting journalist, and so a judge of +"form" and "condition." I was not in the best of either, but I must have +struck him as having "the makings" of I don't quite know what. He gave +me a drink, which I didn't want, and a plate of sandwiches, which I did +want rather badly; and he also gave me, as I say, this commissionaire's +job. Pettinger is a friend of mine to this day; and since he is a simple +and lovable animal of a fellow (he fully concurs in this description of +himself) he is the only man I can bear to speak much to about that time +when, clad in a sky-blue uniform, I kept the door of his newspaper +office, touching my cap to proprietors, and being jocularly prodded by +sportsmen and journalists, as if I had been an ox at Smithfield Show. + + +II + +It was about this time that Archie Merridew's light was once more +beginning to show regularly, evening after evening, over the leads of +his top floor near the Foundling Hospital. This was after a period of +months during which his abode had been in complete darkness. But as his +visits to the college had become infrequent, and as I did not know what +he might be up to, I had kept away. + +When, some little after my commission from Kitty, I did look him up +again, it was by no means that I might deliver Kitty's message. I went, +rather, as a matter of attention to detail. There were certain things I +could not afford not to know, and, more important, there were certain +appearances I could not afford not to keep up. Nevertheless I did not +dream with what consequences my visit of that evening would presently be +fraught. + +I was in a state of great nervous irritability before I went. The +weather still continued almost insupportably hot, and to my other +discomforts had been added a new perturbation that worked on me none the +less that in all probability it was quite groundless. The evening papers +had started a scare about "low-flash oil"; my red and green room was +little cooler than a furnace; and I had lately begun to glance at my +cheap lamp from time to time as if it had been a bomb. I mention this +merely as an indication of the state to which I was becoming reduced. I +thought of that lamp, I remember, as I walked from the college to +Archie's rooms that night and half hoped in my peevishness that the +thing had exploded in my absence. + +It was only ten o'clock, but Archie was already in bed. He wore blue +silk pyjamas and on a small table by the side of his bed stood a +medicine bottle and a siphon; but when I asked him whether he was ill +that he had need of these last he made light of them. It was this +beastly weather, he said, and perhaps the beastly weather also accounted +for his drinking the milk that Jane presently brought up in a sealed +bottle. When Jane had gone, Archie, with an attempt at his old disarming +impertinence, turned to me and said, "Well--how's the blue uniform, +Jeff?" + +Ah! He knew of that! + +"Didn't think I'd heard, did you?" he grinned. "Well, I only did hear +yesterday. Nothing to be ashamed of, old chap. I know one of your +fellows, you know----" + +I too knew the sub-editor whose name he mentioned. He was something of a +bird of the night too. Already the fact that Archie knew of my +occupation had set me swiftly revolving the new dispositions I should +certainly have to make in my relation to Kitty and Evie. + +"Ah, yes," I said. "I shouldn't attempt to drink with the sub-editor of +a sporting paper if I were you. You've been trying, I expect," I added, +looking suspiciously at him. He seemed drawn and ill. He never had any +stamina. + +"Sha'n't tell tales out of school," he replied, with another weak +attempt at his old facetiousness. "Well, how's the fair Kitty?" + +Ill as he was, I could have boxed his ears for the tone of it, but I +answered his question, and he grinned again. + +"Rare good sort," he said appreciatively. "Give us a splash of that +soda, and pass those cigarettes, Jeff...." Then, lighting a cigarette, +"Look here, you old scoundrel," he said, "I've got a crow to pluck with +you! Guess what it is?" + +I could not. + +"Well," he leered. "I saw Mackie the other night." + +You will remember what had happened the last time I myself had seen +Mackie. + +"So there!" he triumphed, after some recital or other that had for its +point my single fit of intoxication. "_Now_ what about it, you old +humbug?" he demanded. + +I knew I must keep my face and smile. I did not know why I must do these +things, but I did them, looking at him and noticing again how sallow and +changed he was. Then I looked about the room, mentally commenting on the +evidences of the patrimony that had done him so little good--his new +dressing-gown, his silver-topped bottles, and a new travelling-case, +these things thrown anyhow among his older belongings. One of the newer +objects I held in my hand; it was the gold cigarette case I had passed +him; and I gazed smiling at it as he went on. + +"Yes," he told me, with humorous accusation; "Mackie told me all about +it--ha ha ha! What price the old puritan Jeff now? Eh? Sad dog, sad +dog!" + +I replied, quite calmly, that the dissipations of commissionaires were +limited by their circumstances. + +"And what the devil are you doing being a commissionaire?" he demanded. +"I'll tell you what it was, Jeff," he continued familiarly, "that +failure in Method seems to me to have broken you all up. What the +dickens made you fail?" + +I was conscious of an interior stirring of hate. What, indeed, had made +me fail! + +"Oh, over-confidence, I suppose," I answered lightly. + +And he continued to talk. + +At last I rose and said good-night. He raised himself on one elbow in +order to shake hands. + +"Come in again and see a chap soon," he said. "It's hellish slow up here +all alone." + +I was already at the door, but I turned abruptly. + +"What do you mean?" I said. "Do you mean you're laid up? You said you +weren't." + +But he only gave a confused little laugh. "Eh? Laid up? Of course not! +Can't a chap turn in early once in a while?" + +"'Once in a while'?... But you said----" + +"That you might come in and see me? Well, do. No harm in that, is there? +Say I'm going slow for a bit, that's all," he added. + +I agreed with him that to "go slow" for a bit was a course he might with +advantage have adopted some time ago, and, though considerably puzzled, +I turned slowly away. + +My lamp, I discovered when I reached my dwelling again, had not exploded +in my absence; but I did not light it. This was not, of course, through +any actual fear; it was merely part of my general nervous condition. I +remember, as still further explaining that condition, that I had passed +a Board School that day as the children had poured out for their morning +recess of a quarter of an hour; I have said how more than commonly +strident the heat seemed to make all noises; and at the sudden outburst +of the children I had broken into a copious flood of perspiration. I was +not much steadier now. Pushing the lamp aside I flung up my window as +high as it would go, drew out my old string-mended chair, and, sitting +down, began to stare at the "_Sarcey's Fluid_" advertisement across the +way. + +The rippling of its incandescents had a trick that always fascinated and +irritated me intensely. Before the last letter of the first word was an +apostrophe, but its single bright spot always appeared out of its proper +order. S--A--R--, and so on, the thing ran, but the whole legend was +complete before that apostrophe started into its place. I used sometimes +to watch as if I hoped the whole mechanism might suddenly alter, but, of +course, it never did. I began to watch it again that night, while my +ceiling and the wall above my bed became red and green, red and green, +red and green.... + +I am afraid that what I am now about to say I shall have to ask you to +take on trust. I have no evidence to offer of a phenomenon that, I am +told, is shared by madness and genius alike. Nor will I trouble you +either with any talk of prevision or of inner certitude, nor with the +gradually deepening brooding that led up to this phenomenon--the +brooding over the countless slights and slurs and rubs I had suffered +from Archie Merridew's reckless and ignorant tongue ever since I have +known him--my appearance, my private affairs, the side-splitting joke of +Jeffries being in love. I will pass straight to the sudden and complete +illumination that, as I sat there, so irradiated my intelligence that I +wondered why it had come to me now, an hour later, and not then, the +moment I had seen him lying at that extraordinarily early hour in bed. + +It came, this flash of illumination, in exactly the same manner as the +changing of the electrograph before my eyes--and, as you will see in a +moment, with the same bloody apostrophe. And with its coming my room was +not more suffused with the crimson glare than my mind suddenly was with +the same morbid and flaming and dangerous hue. + +_I had suddenly realised what was really the matter with Archie._ + +Let me now tell you the kind of man I have sometimes, though possibly +mistakenly, supposed myself to be. + +He has aspired, that man, I have sometimes supposed myself to be, to the +stars; but his feet have also known the burning bottom of the pit. His +heart has been lifted up until sometimes, through eyes drowned with +tears, he has had his poor and fragmentary glimpse of a larger +Fatherhood than earth knows; but he has also exchanged intelligence +with the devil. His heart has flowered with loves and charities; but +that same heart has also been a rock with a toad in it. He was born in +heaven, but has lodged in hell. So in him, according as he has been +used, have opposites met. + +And yet, as I say, I may be wrong in supposing that I am this man. + +Yet the man who, in my red and green room that night, leaped up from his +chair, and with a bursting, ringing cry shook his hand on high, was not +the James Herbert Jeffries who now writes this feverish shorthand. He +who writes the shorthand was not the same James Herbert Jeffries who +stood, with those violent dyes flooding his face, vowing that if that +sick young buyer of infected merchandise dreamed for one instant of +doing that which it was sought to make him do, and which apparently he +was ready to do, he should pay for it with the last thing he had to +give. That James Herbert Jeffries was plunged in that hour into a place +of stench and infernal brightness that God forbid was ever his destined +abode. + +I cried aloud, shaking my fist up at my cracked and blackened ceiling: + +"_Though Christ died for man in vain ... let him but think of it ... let +him ... let him ... and I...._" + +After that I passed into a curious state of mind. You have heard how I +make, when I can, anger serviceable to me, but here was an anger past my +bringing into control. Yet, as ordinarily I plan calmly, so was I calm +up to a certain point now. The result of these two things was that my +brain worked like a worn and cranky machine, sometimes doing more than +it ought, sometimes less; sometimes jerking startlingly ahead, sometimes +refusing to work at all. And as there was thus no continuity in my +thought, and as my recollections are curiously associated with that +changing red and green that now for the first time seems to me to have +run through my story like a fateful burden of jealousy and blood, I will +set down such isolated reflections as rise of themselves out of the +jumble of my mind. + + * * * * * + +_Crime_ (I realise that the word leaps with some suddenness into these +pages) has suffered more at the hands of criminals than it has at the +hands of justice. There are few perfect crimes. Most of them are +accidental, the mere explosion of momentary passion. And that is well, +for the world wants few masterpieces in that sort. I have not read De +Quincey's essay on the subject, nor ever shall now; but if crime is to +be considered as an artistic medium, it is the only medium in which +bungling is better worth to the world than competence. Other arts one +prefers to see superlatively practised or not at all; but it is only of +the bungled crime that man can endure to think. + + * * * * * + +The ordinary criminal begins at the wrong end. Dull fellow that he is he +does not recognise that his first task must be the creation of an +attitude of mind. Or if a glimmering of this does cross his inflamed +consciousness, he thinks that it is the attitude of his own mind that is +of the first consequence. That is why he suffers either the retribution +of justice or the visitings of his own conscience. In either of these +cases his act is unsuccessfully committed. He pays in common with his +victim. + + * * * * * + +It is not the injured man who knows the full quality of hate. It is the +one who injures. The injurer has no refuge from his own transgression; +he has him whom he has injured constantly upon his mind--perhaps upon +his soul. Another is the lord of his peace of mind. Thus it is +peculiarly the wronged man's part to pardon, but when the wronged man +would not pardon, but would avenge for another's sake? + + * * * * * + +Could Archie be given a mind more sensitive than a stone? Could his weak +and spongy nature be hardened to a point of view? Could such an +attitude be created in him that what otherwise would have been an +assault would take on the stern justice of a punishment? Can any dull or +egotistical mind be either punished or rewarded? Ultimately, can the God +who created it do anything save quench it again? Wickedness may be +vanquished at the last, but Ignorance----? And Conceit----? + + * * * * * + +But bah! Probably he was not even thinking of it. Perhaps he was even +now seeking a way out. Well, I would help him. Ten words to him in +private.... Faugh! + +So _that_ was it.... And the world allows it! Could he be proved to be +merely insane at the time of his marriage the world would not allow it; +a mental insufficiency beyond his control would be a bar; but this +other, that he had deliberately sought, would be allowed. And Evie.... + + * * * * * + +That bloody apostrophe again!... + + * * * * * + +The criminal forgets too much in the moment of action. It is a sort of +stage fright. Rehearsed perfectly, however.... Not that the thing is not +admittedly difficult. A button, a fingerprint, a drop of blood, the +resources of the laboratory, the microscope, the spectroscope--oh yes, +it cannot be said that there is not a deal to watch. And a memory, a +chance association years afterwards, an attack of debility rendering the +eyes subject to deceits--any one of these things may at any moment throw +him into the hands of the law as a fate more merciful than that which he +has not been clever enough to forestall within himself. Yes, there is +much to consider; but then, as all the world knows, masterpieces of +crime or what not, are difficult of accomplishment. + +Ten words, then, on the morrow, and he would never dare.... + + * * * * * + +But bah! I was not even sure! He _could_ not be contemplating it, and I +was vile to think it.... Still, prudence. I must make sure. Till then, +nothing--not even these thoughts that ticked as if out of a tape-machine +from my brain. To-morrow.... + + * * * * * + +Yet, ah! I was sure for all that! + + * * * * * + +This red and green, this red and green! + + * * * * * + +These are such fragments of it all as I can remember. I don't know how +long they occupied me. I had begun to trace with my fingers little +patterns on the deal top of my table, patterns that sometimes had a +meaning for me, sometimes not, but that always had a meaning for Archie +Merridew if he thought ... if he as much as thought.... + +Then the red and green advertisement was switched off suddenly. Only a +rhomb of dim gaslight on my ceiling remained.... + +But I still sat in the darkness, my brain taking those backward and +forward jerks, and my lips muttering, though without sound, that if he +dreamed ... if he as much as dreamed.... + + +III + +It was a "record" even for myself to get the sack twice in one week, but +that now befell me. They gave me no notice at the newspaper office, but +they were decent, and I had a fortnight's wages in lieu of it. Pettinger +especially showed himself my friend. + +"It's rough on you," he said, "but I really don't see that anybody's to +blame.... Look here, I'll tell you what we'll do. Go down to my place at +Bedford; I'll telephone them you're coming; and you can do what there is +to do in my garden for a week or two until something turns up. You won't +mind working under the old chap I've got there? Right. Off you go. +You've got your money, haven't you?" + +"I shall have to come up for Friday evening; I've a class," I said. + +"Well, have a change till then. You look as if you need it. Catch the +twelve-fifty, and I'll telephone them now." + +So I took off my sky-blue uniform and wondered, as I folded it neatly +and laid it aside, where they were going to find the next man it would +fit. + +This was at half-past ten in the morning, so that I had some hours to +spare. Ten minutes, if I could catch him, would suffice for all I had to +say to Archie Merridew, and, as he was not an early riser, and had told +me that he was not spending his days in bed, I hoped to find him before +he went out. But as the Business College lay on the way I determined to +call there first. I walked up Chancery Lane into Holborn. + +But he had not arrived at the college when I got there, and I did not +wait for him. I had walked home with him often enough to know his +unvarying route, and I set off for his place half expecting to meet him +on the way. But I did not meet him, so I knocked at the brass knocker of +his ivy-green door. + +Jane told me he had only that moment gone out. + +"To the college?" I asked. + +Jane thought so, but was not sure. + +"If I don't see him I'll call again," I said. "Tell him, will you?" + +I returned to the Business College, and there waited, talking to Kitty, +who had just arrived. + +Kitty seemed extremely embarrassed that morning, and of course I guessed +the reason. She had heard of the sky-blue uniform, doubtless through +Archie. (For two nights I had not seen her.) I was none the less sure of +this that she did not mention the circumstance directly; nor did she +comment on my being at liberty at that unusual hour of the morning. +Presently she said: + +"I don't think he'll come this morning now. He may this afternoon." + +"I can't wait till the afternoon," I said, glancing at the little clock +on the mantelpiece of the type-writing-room--the little clock that had +given the "Ting" that had startled me so on the day of the examination +in Method. + +"Is it anything I can tell him?" + +That, of course, was quite out of the question. "I'll see if he's back +home yet," I replied. + +Then Kitty's uneasiness and curiosity got the better of her delicacy +about the sky-blue uniform. She looked fixedly at her thin wrists and +her fingers gave little touches to the lace about them as she spoke. + +"Jeff," she said timorously, "I don't know whether you know what--what +they're saying about you--I'm sure it's a hideous lie, but--but it's +upset me frightfully----" She stopped abruptly, and seemed even then to +wish she had not spoken. + +"You seem very easily upset nowadays," I said shortly, quite ready to +quarrel if needs be. + +But she ignored my tone. "You know they're saying--everybody's +saying--all the people here, I mean." + +"What?" I demanded. + +But her courage failed her. She stopped the fiddling at her wrists, +and, giving me a long look said, "You know I love you, Jeff, whatever +happens----" + +It was what I had begun to fear--that there would be no shaking her off. +She was far, far too faithful. + +"I see," I said slowly. "I know what you mean.... Well, it was quite +true. I _was_ a commissionaire--until an hour ago. They've sacked me.... +I suppose Archie told you?" + +"Girl-faced little wretch! But, Jeff----" + +I took her up. "Well, it's that that I want to see him about. But as +regards you and me--if you want it to make a difference----" + +It was a plain offer to release her, but I don't think she understood it +as that. Indeed, her manner puzzled me entirely. It was eager, +shrinking, wistful and apprehensive all at once, and she appeared to be +trying to shake off something--something preposterous. Well, that +sky-blue uniform had been preposterous enough. + +"It shall make a difference--if you wish," I offered again proudly. + +"No," she murmured, apparently understanding this time, and busy with +her lace again. + +Then I entered into I know not what fantastic explanation of the curious +fact that a man with the world in his grasp should have chosen to touch +his cap to editors and proprietors. She tried to look as if she +believed me, but it was plain that she didn't in the least. Once or +twice she tried to interrupt me, but my patience was quickly running +out. + +"So you see how it was," I said at last, dropping my voice as Weston, +the secretary-bird passed. "It was no business of his, and I want to +know what he's got to say about it. You can tell him so if you like." + +Again that inexplicable look of timorousness came into her small eyes. + +"You _mean_ the commissionaire's job, of course?" she said. + +"I mean the commissionaire's job," I replied. + +That, I thought with satisfaction, would cover my real reason for +wishing to see Archie as well as anything else. + +Weston passed again, and gave me a look. That look struck me. It was +just such a look as a policeman might give a loiterer whom he suspects, +yet against whom he has no charge; and I felt my colour mount a little. +That tattling little animal! Little he cared, as long as he had his +joke, that my five shillings was put in jeopardy. For a business college +that styles itself advertisement writer "professor" naturally doesn't +want commissionaires on its staff, and I saw my second dismissal looming +ahead. + +Then, with a new and cautious idea in my head, I turned to Kitty again. + +"On second thoughts," I said, "_don't_ say anything to Archie about my +wanting an explanation. I'll settle with him. After all, it was bound to +come sooner or later. It doesn't much matter. I'll see to it.... Well, +I'm off. Good-bye, dear. I don't think I shall be able to see you again +till Friday." + +And I left her, nodded to Weston, and passed out. + +I daresay you guess what my new and cautious idea was. I had something +of the last privacy to say to Archie; it was just as well that I should +have the cloak of comparatively trivial personal remonstrance to cover +it; but this was only part of it. The truth was that my brain had +suddenly taken another of those startling leaps forward. In some +conceivable last event (I was not planning one, you understand; it was +merely that my mind was working somewhere ahead, independently and +beyond my control) it might be necessary that I should have _no_ +personal quarrel with him. In such an event none must suppose that our +relation had been other than amicable. Yet I should be overdoing this +(purely anticipatory) prudence to pass over the episode of the sky-blue +uniform entirely. The thing was, or might become, a matter of nicely +measured proportions. Already I was making the slight private affront +serve my turn; presently I might want to make the pardon of that affront +serve my turn also. This kind of thing is what I mean by the creation +of an attitude of mind and "attention to detail." + +I made one more attempt to find Archie as I walked to St Pancras, but he +was still not at home. Then I had to run for my train. + +I worked in Pettinger's garden that week, carrying water, wheeling +barrows, and filling baskets with fruit as I passed between the canes. +Pettinger was away for two nights, but on the third evening he came up +to me as I was pushing a heavy roller over the lawn and began to talk. I +think he began for the sake of a pleasant word or two, but something I +said seemed to engage his interest, an hour or more passed, and then, as +the phlox and canterbury bells began to glimmer in the twilight, he +suddenly said, "Leave this and come inside--we can talk comfortably +there." + +We went in. I shall never forget that night. It was made memorable by +the fact that master and gardener talked till two o'clock in the +morning. + +"Well, Jeffries," he said at last, with a sleepy yawn, "you're an +extraordinary chap. I'm afraid you've made rather a lot of work for me +this last hour or two." + +"How so?" I asked. + +"Well, I was going to try to get you a job something like your last, but +you're a difficult man to find a job for. I won't ask you whether you +know you're extraordinary; of course you know you are; and I'm going, +if I can, to give you a chance--a real chance--not like that +other--those cut-throats--what's their name." + +I had told him about Rixon Tebb & Masters' and the rest of it. + +"I've a bit of a pull here and there," he went on sleepily. "There's the +'Freight and Ballast Company'--I know a couple of their men--but we'll +talk about that in the morning. I'm off to bed. Hope they've made you +comfortable?" + +It does not come within the scope of my present tale to speak of my +later rapid rise; but I may say now that I owed my chance to Pettinger +and to the berth he got me, with the coming of winter, in the offices of +the "F. B. C." + +I remained in his house all that week; then, on the Friday evening, I +took a return ticket to town in order to attend my class. + +I had not been half-an-hour in the college that evening before I was +aware that something had happened. Archie Merridew was not there, but +Evie was, and so was Kitty Windus. I went through my work as usual, and +then, at half-past nine, sought Kitty. It was she who told me the news. + +"You've not heard, have you?" she asked, with a glance towards the +senior students' room, through which Evie had just passed. Again she +was, in some manner I could not understand, eager, reserved, +apprehensive and fidgety all at once. + +"Heard what?" I asked. + +"About Evie. It's come off. She and Archie are properly engaged." + +From that moment dated a division of me into two separate men, of which +I shall have more to say presently. + +"Oh?" I replied, with complete calm. "That's good news indeed! Wait here +a minute--I'll speak to her--don't go, for I want to see you." + +I met Evie returning with her towel and celluloid box of soap. She too +was excited, so excited that she would have passed me, but I thought I +understood that. I stopped her. + +"Well, Evie?" I said, smiling. + +She waited, painfully full, I couldn't help thinking, of emotion. + +"It was you who congratulated me before," I said. "It's my turn now, I +hear." + +She looked at me and away again, and again at me and away. + +"Thank you, Mr Jeffries," she said, beginning to make little pointings +of her foot this way and that on the floor. + +I spoke very gently. "Jeff--or Mr Jeffries if you prefer it--wishes you +nothing but happiness, Evie," I said. + +"Oh, thank you," she said, with increasing perturbation, "thank you +very much indeed--thank you really--Jeff." + +It was odd in the extreme. She gave me the reluctant "Jeff," and somehow +I wished she hadn't, it came with such difficulty. Something, I was +convinced, lay behind it. I did not expect her in the circumstances to +be quite collected, but her manner was--I don't know how else to +describe it--almost that of a child who has pleaded with authority for +permission to bestow one final charity on an undesirable associate.... +What! I thought, she also ashamed to know a commissionaire! + +"When are you going to be married?" I asked, after an awkward pause. + +"Quite soon," she replied, equally awkward. "As soon as I can get my +things ready." She stopped. + +"I suppose Archie's coming here for you--to-night, I mean?" + +"No--he's got a man to see--a friend--in Store Street, I think." + +"Then may I walk along with you?" + +She seemed to have feared the question. "Oh," she said quickly, "if you +don't mind--I've something awfully private to say to Kitty--she and I +have arranged to go on together." + +("Not wanted," I said to myself.) Aloud, "Well, I hope you'll be happy, +Evie," I added. + +"Thank you," she said again, lifting curiously appealing eyes for a +moment. + +I turned abruptly from her, and sought Kitty, who was still waiting. I +had picked up a sudden suspicion, and wished to confirm it. + +"Ready?" I said, in a tone as matter of fact as I could assume. + +Again she began to flutter. I couldn't understand what had come over the +whole college. + +"I'm sorry, Jeff," she began, with rapid effusiveness. "If I'd only +known you wanted--but I've got to go somewhere." + +I knew that, Evie had just told me. + +"Woburn Place, you mean?" + +"No, dear--somewhere else--quite different." + +"Really?" I said, incredulously smiling and frowning both at once. + +"Of course! How funny you are!" + +I looked searchingly down into her eyes. + +"I think _you're_ funny," I said slowly. + +"You really must excuse me, Jeff--if you'd only let me know." + +But I had had enough of this. Gently but irresistibly I took her arm. + +"Come along, Kitty," I said quietly. "I particularly want to talk to +you." + +She quailed, but still hung back. + +"Very well," I said. "Will you tell me where you're going?" + +She was obstinately silent. + +"You're going with Evie, of course?" + +I knew by the little rush with which she spoke that she was telling the +truth and was relieved to be able to do so. "Oh no!" she said. "I'm +going quite alone, quite alone--honour, Jeff!" + +"Evie's not going with you--to Store Street or wherever it is?" + +She stiffened. "I don't know what you mean by Store Street, and I think +you've got Evie on the brain," she said. + +What the devil ailed them all? + +And why had Evie said she was going with Kitty? + +As abruptly as I turned away from the one I now turned away from the +other. + +The next moment: "Er--'Jeffries!" I Heard. + +It was Weston with my five shillings. I turned. + +"Oh, Jeffries! I'm sorry to say--glad in one sense of course--that +Professor Hitchcock will be taking the class again next Friday. The +college wishes--wishes to thank you for stopping the gap as you have +done. It's been most obliging of you." + +I said something--I was glad Hitchcock was better, I said. + +"Yes--er--he's quite well again now--quite on his feet again," said the +secretary-bird. "And--er--Jeffries--I'm exceedingly sorry, but I've a +rather unpleasant duty to perform." + +I was utterly mystified. "What is it now?" I demanded almost roughly. + +"It's that the Board is of opinion--has come to the conclusion--that +consisting as we do of younger students than yourself--it would be of +advantage--perhaps of advantage to you too if--if----" + +I helped him out. "If I don't come again?" + +"I wished to break it gently to you--but that _is_ the substance of it," +he stammered. + +Curious.... + +"Thank you, Weston," I said. "I quite understand. Will you please tell +them that I didn't ask for any explanation?" + +Exceedingly curious.... + +"Yes, yes, yes," he murmured sympathetically. + +"Now," I said to myself some minutes later, as I descended the stairs, +"it only requires Miss Angela to turn me down." + +I walked to Woburn Place, and there asked a Swiss boy if I might see +Miss Angela. Archie's friend Mr Shoto passed me as I waited in the hall, +but I did not speak to him. After some minutes the Swiss boy returned. +His answer was what I expected. Miss Soames had a nervous headache, and +asked to be excused from seeing me. + +And all, I thought with amazement as I turned away, because for a week +or two I had worn a sky-blue uniform! + + +IV + +That division of me into two men that I have said dated from the time +when Kitty told me of Evie's engagement to Archie Merridew was, in a +sense, no new thing. I had felt it in some measure before, when I had +deliberately avoided Archie that I might give my anger its head and had +smiled in his face again when the fit had worked itself out. I had +striven, too, to stand between him and the black rages he and my general +circumstances had provoked. + +But no sooner had the words, that Evie was now definitely engaged, come +from Kitty's lips than I knew this division to be complete and +irrevocable. Even did he withdraw in time he had still contemplated it; +and in my soul I did not now believe he would withdraw. "The Devil was +sick, the Devil a Saint would be." And I knew at last who his friend in +Store Street was. A name, seen on a medicine bottle in his room, had +leaped into my memory. His "friend" was some obscure practitioner of a +doctor. + +So I now became as the Giant in the story, who was so exquisitely cloven +from head to middle by the magic blade that he did not feel the wound +that was his death. "Cut, then!" he laughed. "Shake yourself," he was +told. And he fell in twain. + +A shake, and I too should fall in twain. + +I will now tell you how I got that shake. + +Thinking over my sudden ostracism in Pettinger's house that night I only +became more and more mystified. That the Business College should no +longer require me I could understand--for snobbery plays a terrible part +in business. That Kitty had reproached me for my lack of trust in her +about my commissionaire's post was also easily to be accounted for. Miss +Angela might in truth have had a headache and have begged to be excused +from receiving me. But that Evie should turn against me was +inexplicable. It contradicted every tradition of her upbringing. My +being forced into a humble, but not ignoble, occupation could never have +made this difference in her. If anything in the whole business could be +taken as a certainty, that could. And so the more I thought about it the +more sure I became that, though I myself might conceal my real reason +for wishing to see Archie Merridew by giving out that I merely wanted to +remonstrate with him about his chattering, others were using that very +giving-out as a screen for something I was in total ignorance of. +Kitty's timorousness returned to me; I believed now that she had +actually been trying to tell me something else, whatever it was; and so +I tossed and turned on my pillow, vainly racking my brain. + +I finally decided to have it out with both Kitty and Archie on the +morrow. + +I went up to town the next morning, and walked straight to the Business +College. I did not wish, after what I had been told the night before, to +go up, so I found an office boy on one of the lower floors and sent him +up with word that somebody would like to see Miss Windus. Then I waited, +just inside the Holburn entrance. + +In a few minutes she came down, hatted and gloved. Her face looked old; +her eyes were dull, and almost closed--with weeping, I was instantly +sure; and she touched my sleeve almost as if she feared I might shake +her hand off again. + +"I thought it would be you," she said, in a dull voice. "Let's have a +walk. I've something to say." + +We walked without speaking along Holborn, and presently turned into the +little courtyard of Staple's Inn. We sat down on the bench that +surrounds the tree in the middle. + +She had broken into speech almost before we sat down. It was as if she +feared that if she did not get it out at once she would not speak at +all. She was intensely agitated. + +"Jeff," she said, "I've wronged you--cruelly and basely." + +I did not smile at the melodramatic little phrase. I had not the ghost +of an idea what she meant, but that something was impending I was +already aware. + +"I saw you didn't know last night," she went on. "This morning?" + +It was a question. "I'm no wiser this morning," I said. + +"You asked me where I was going last night." + +"I did." + +"Can you guess why when--when I tell you it was to Louie Causton's?" + +I shook my head. + +"Even then I cannot guess." + +Then she began to tremble. She grasped the edge of the seat with her +hand so that I should not see how she shook. + +"Jeff," she said, in a low voice, "if you never want to see me again--I +can't blame you if you don't--not after this." + +I waited. + +"Not that I shouldn't always, always love you. It will be my +punishment--I shall have to bear it." + +Still I waited. + +"Yesterday it was you who offered it--now it's me--it will serve me +right." + +I thought she would never go on. "You mean our engagement, of course?" I +said. + +"Yes," she gulped. + +"Why?" I asked suddenly. + +"Because--because of what I've been beast enough to believe of you, +Jeff." + +"And that is----" + +As I again waited for her to speak I looked round the courtyard. A clerk +was at work in a first-floor window, and he caught my eye and looked +away again. In another window an office boy stood with a pen in his +mouth, turning the pages of a ledger. Then, after a while, and very +disjointedly, Kitty went on: + +"They said you said it yourself, and I--at first I didn't--but then I +believed it. I know I was beastly about it once before--then we +quarrelled--but I didn't mean what I said then--believe me, I didn't.... +And," she went on, "I didn't know who--who--it was.... She never told +me--you know what I mean.... I hate myself--now. I suppose I'm +jealous--the green-eyed monster, Jeff--but they did say it--said you'd +as much as said so yourself--and----" + +I was beginning to get impatient with her rambling. + +I said "And what?" but I don't think she heard me. + +"So that's why I went to Louie herself--to ask her--right out----" + +All at once I felt it coming. + +"Well?" + +But suddenly she buried her face in her hands, and her thin shoulders +shook. Again I saw the clerk watching.... + +"Oh!" she moaned. "Can you ever, _ever_ forgive me?" + +"For----" + +"For ever thinking that you and Louie--that you and Louie----" + +She lifted her piteous eyes to mine. + + * * * * * + +I think it was then that the Giant shook himself and fell in twain. He +has been more or less roughly cobbled together since, and the halves rub +on somehow side by side, but to this day the one man in me faints for +the great sweet things of Life, while the other has the devil ever at +his elbow. + + * * * * * + +The whole courtyard had swung round; I actually seemed, with my physical +eye, to see it for some moments out of the vertical. Then it righted +again, and the whole mystery of the previous evening dissolved in light. + +"You and Louie--you and Louie----" + +Yet again the courtyard seemed to lean and slide sideways for a moment; +then I flung a blazing searchlight back across my memory. + +Louie Causton's super-subtle mask. "So long since I saw a man, my +dear--the Baboon?--oh, I should know which way to turn _then_!" + +My half-admissions to Archie when he had tried with such persistency to +get out of me who it was I was in love with. + +Her failure to return to the college, that alone had thrown me into +Kitty's arms rather than into her own. + +That something, God knows what, that I might have said to Mackie when, +after having eaten nothing, I had drunk with him. + +Kitty's own desperate possessiveness and jealousy. + +All these things fell into place as the coloured granules fall when the +kaleidoscope is given a turn. I had been accused of being Miss Causton's +lover! + +As I remain that divided Giant henceforward until the end of my tale, I +will divide my name also, and tell you of a colloquy that began within +me between these two men--the honest, human, enraged Jeffries, and that +other, whom I will call James Herbert, at whose elbow stood the devil. + +"Ah!" choked Jeffries, flaming red. + +"Quietly, quietly!" whispered his interlocutor. + +"That's Merridew again!" choked the other. + +"Quietly--keep your face--there's a clerk in that window watching you!" + +"The whole world may see me--let me go and find him!" It was as if this +Jeffries struggled to break away there and then. + +"No, no--sit still--leave it to me, and keep your face before this +weeping woman--_I_ was born where they understand these things!" + +And after a hellish minute--the voice of that one prevailed. + +I turned to Kitty. + +"Good gracious!" I remember I said, with an air almost of amused +incredulity. "Why, who on earth told you that ridiculous tale?" + +The one who came from the place where they understand these things was +right. Kitty looked up. At first she seemed unable to believe her +ears--unable to believe that I could treat the monstrous thing with +amused disdain. Then, as she slowly realised, her face shone. She gave a +quick glad cry. + +"Jeff!" + +"What, dear?" I said, smiling. + +She choked. "Oh ... my good, big man!" + +("Laugh now," the wicked one prompted; and I laughed.) + +"Good heavens, what a tale!... Who told you? Archie? Just you see if I +don't tweak that young man's ears!" + +In her infinite relief the poor woman broke down utterly. She shook with +the mingled gratitude and humiliation of my pardon. + +"Louie Causton!" I scoffed. "You actually asked her that? Why, how she +must have laughed!" + +"Oh--you're wonderful, Jeff!" Kitty adored me. + +"Oh," I replied, quickly recollecting myself, "don't think I'm not +angry! I'll give that young man a jacket-dusting! He shall have a +wedding present from me he'll remember, I promise you! Why, of all the +mean tricks!..." + +I went on. Presently Kitty had found me so wonderful that once more she +could even toy a little with a peril. + +"Louie wouldn't tell me ... who ... she said she'd die first...." she +half sobbed by-and-by. + +I looked into her little puffed eyes. "Then," I said, smiling, "you've +only the word of a not very trustworthy woman for it that after all ... +eh?" + +A saint could hardly have cheapened the worshipping look she gave me. + +"So," I resumed presently, "that was what ailed you all last night, when +I was thinking all the time it was my uniform?" + +"Yes--I tried hard to tell you, Jeff----" + +"And does Archie really believe this tale himself, or is it just one of +his little pleasantries?" + +She didn't know. + +"Is he at the college this morning?" + +"Yes." + +"Good. Will you send him down to me if I walk back with you? I think we +won't lose any time over this." + +"And you'll give him a really severe talking-to?" she asked eagerly. + +"I will," I promised. "Come----" + +Twenty minutes later I was again in the doorway of the Business College, +waiting for Archie to descend. + +And as I waited I reflected how well-nigh irrevocably I had tied myself +up with Kitty now. I think that up to then she would have stuck to me +even had this of Miss Causton been true; but now she would never, never +let me go. Perhaps I may here mention the plan I had at first had for +getting rid of her when I should require her no longer. I had based that +plan on the fascination the "compromising situation" of her favourite +novels always had for her. I never knew anyone so self-conscious about +her defencelessness, and I had worked it out that I had only to propose +my own chamber for an assignation and she would conceive herself to be +looking into the bright face of danger indeed. All peril and all romance +would lie for her in her setting foot on the lowest of my stairs.... +And doubtless one glance at that naked room of mine (I had pawned even +my oil-stove) would, I had estimated, drive her away in instant and +horrified fright.... I had not been above planning this. + +But now she would never, never leave her big, wonderful man. + +Yes. I had fettered myself fairly completely. + +Holborn was noisy that morning, and between the sound of passing +vehicles and Archie's own light tread I was not aware of his presence +until he spoke. Instantly I saw that he thought he knew why I had come +and had resolved to take one bull at least by the horns. + +"I say, Jeff," he began at once, with embarrassed sincerity--a sincere +desire, that is, to be out of the mess he had landed himself in, +"Kitty's just told me. I know--I know you must be beastly angry with +me--quite right too--I'm awfully sorry and--and ashamed. It was caddish. +But I really didn't mean anything, and--and--and I thought you as much +as said it yourself, you know----" + +I judged it best not to speak just yet. I stood looking at him. + +"You're an awfully good sort," he went on, conciliatingly, "but--but--I +really thought you _were_ a bit sweet on her (that was all I +meant)--that time--you know--before I knew it was really Kitty. I +simply said to Mackie--he watched you too at the party--I admit I was +'on' a bit, and never thought it would end like this----" + +Then I spoke. "You mean you didn't think it would end in my getting the +sack and being cut by everybody I know except yourself and Mackie? How +did you think it would end, then?" + +He jumped eagerly at a chance, ready to promise anything. + +"I'll see that's all right, old boy--and Hitchcock _was_ coming back +anyway, you know--you only had the job while he was away----" + +"Oh!" I said, with a nasty laugh. "And in your opinion that's all?... +What about my character?" I demanded suddenly. "Eh?" + +"I know," he said, with hanging head. "It was rotten of me--but I was +'on'--I really was. And your character's all right, Jeff, with anybody +who knows you--they know what a first-rate sort you are----" + +"Thank you," I said stiffly. "And what about--the partner in my guilt?" + +"Oh, _her_!" the little animal said, as if _she_ could be left quite out +of the question. Then apparently he felt the stirring of returning +rectitude. "Well, Jeff, I have apologised.... I don't see what more I +can do, except of course to see you all right...." + +I noted the birth of the attitude I wished to create. I began to appear +to let him down by gradual degrees. + +Exactly how much of it was appearance you see. I abhorred the little +wretch. And his renewed apologies, promises, explanations!... He had +been "on" he had "simply said" to Mackie; I "should have lost my job +soon in any case"; and "he'd see I was all right!" ... That was all his +sense of a hideous slander! And his almost rebellious "Well, I have +apologised." Good heavens, he would be putting _me_ in the wrong +presently!... Every muscle in my body was straining to be at him. + +But that, I knew, would never, never do. + +Presently I turned once more to him. All this, after all, was not in the +least what I had come to talk to him about. It was only a screen. + +"Very, well," I said at last. "What's done's done. We'll leave that for +the present. Now there's something else I want to say to you. Do you +know what it is?" + +"How should I know?" he said, relieved that the subject was turned. + +"Think...." + +When Kitty had come down to see me an hour before she had done so in her +hat and coat. She had had her confession to make, and had, I fancied, +done me even in her attire the courtesy of hinting humbly that she was +entirely at my disposal. But Archie evidently thought that our +difference could be arranged in a five minutes' talk sandwiched in +between two lessons. He had not even put his hat on. He stood, a small +fair figure, red-waistcoated, brass-buttoned, hands in his pockets, +leaning against the name-board of the tenants of the various floors of +the building, while I, with one hand against the board, hung over him +like a huge angel of good and evil, bidding him think. + +"Think," I said again. + +He suddenly realised what I meant. I could no more hold his eyes than I +could have held those of a chidden dog. They cringed, evaded, even dared +short defiances. + +"Think," I said once more. + +All at once he said, "I don't know what you mean." + +"Then," I said, "I shall have to tell you." + + * * * * * + +"So," I concluded some minutes later, "do you think you are--doing +right--to marry?" + + * * * * * + +We still stood, he with his back to the name-board, I with my hand +against it, almost enveloping him with my physical presence. And now, no +detail of my arraignment spared, I had at last caught his eye. Even +before he spoke my heart gave a savage leap. Already his soft and spongy +nature had begun to be hardened to that attitude I needed. + +"Oh!" he said.... Then, proudly, "But this is interference." + +"You think," I repeated slowly, "that you have the right to get +married?" + +His very admission was a defiance of me. "I know I've been rather a +rotter," he blustered. + +Once more I repeated monotonously: + +"You still think, after what I've just said, that you have the +right----" + +"I think," he broke out, "that if you looked after your own girl and +left me to look after mine it would be better. I'm frightfully sorry +about the other thing, of course, but--dash it all!----" + +Our long exchange of looks said the rest, and it was not my fault if he +didn't understand what his refusal to heed me would involve. Some people +never understand, and cry afterwards, "You never told me that!" as if +one man had the right to demand of another that he should speak the +uttermost word. I cannot see that there is any such right. For such as +these there is no uttermost word. Elias and the Prophets cannot make +them understand. Though one rose from the dead to tell them they would +not believe. The God who made them as they are cannot make Himself known +to them--He can only destroy them again. They go out into the night in +their ignorance, and for them there is no resurrection in knowledge.... +Therefore if the uttermost word will not enlighten them, why speak it? +Weakness lies in that word. Because it is weak. Art leaves it unspoken, +and the Seer, having spoken it, comes down from Sinai no more. Only by a +withholding from it does man achieve. Making three parts greater than +the whole, he does not put forth to the last. He will not return +bankrupt to heaven. The unuttered utterance is his credential, to be +restored to the Bestower of it. + +Therefore I did not, at that time, tell Archie Merridew that if he +married I should slay him. But all, all else was in my eyes for his +taking. + +Then our gaze severed. + +As I dropped my hand from the wall the devil frisked in me again. I had +warned him, and had my own safety to consider now. Without attention to +detail you can accomplish nothing in this world, and a thing is +bunglingly done when you yourself suffer the consequences of it. +Whatever I might do, I intended to suffer no consequences. + +"Well, Archie," I said, as a man speaks who washes his hands of +something, "I've told you what I think about it. There's no doubt it is, +as you say, an interference, but I think it's justified, and so I'll say +no more.... And now, about that other: I need hardly say that I expect +you to make things all right for me again." + +"I will--I really will, Jeff," he promised at once. + +"You see," I amplified, while the devil in me frisked, "leaving my +reputation out of the question, it's beastly inconvenient. For instance, +I'm badly in need of some shorthand practice, and I certainly don't +intend to go up these stairs again until I'm rehabilitated." + +He leaped at the chance of a reparation that would cost him little. "Oh, +that's easy," he said. "Of course your own place--I mean, why not use +mine, as you used to?" + +"Oh," I objected, "I can't very well use your place when you're not +there." + +"I'm going to be there most of the time now," he replied. "Perhaps you +think I'm off on the skite again, but I'm not." ("The Devil was sick," +thought I again.) "I'm dead off all that now--straight. I do wish you'd +come!" + +"But," I said (while that imp in me positively capered), "you'll be +awfully busy--with other things. I hear you're to be married at +once----" + +"Not too busy for that, old man," he assured me. "Do come!" + +"Well, I'll see," I promised. + +Half-an-hour later I was sitting in the British Museum reading-room with +a stock of books on Medical Jurisprudence before me. Those two spirits +within me were whispering again--plotting, machinating, discussing +common ground of action. I had not yet resolved to take any action; but +I had resolved, and firmly, that if action was to be taken I myself was +not going to be caught unawares. + + +V + +It was true that Archie was busy. His "skite" had cost him a good deal +of money, and he intended to make good some of the loss by economising +on his marriage. With this end in view he had determined that his +honeymoon and his summer holiday should be run into one, and had fixed, +or Evie had fixed for him, a day towards the end of August for his +wedding. He was going to Jersey, for the sake of the breath of the sea +(I fancy that in this he was following Store Street advice); and he +intended on his return to go into rooms until he should have had time to +look round for a house. + +His personal preparations were extensive. Ten porters and carmen a day +called at the house near the Foundling Hospital, delivering purchases, +and his upper floor was heaped up with bags, boxes, drawers taken from +their cases and laid upon the floor, brown paper, cardboard boxes, new +clothing. And one day--I won't set down the date--he lost his latchkey +in the muddle. He did not know that he lost it as a result of my own +close studies in the reading-room of the British Museum. + +"Can't find the blessed thing anywhere!" he grumbled. "I took it off +the bunch to slip into the pocket of my evening waistcoat--you can't +carry a bunch of keys about in your evening clothes--and I can't think +where the devil I put it!... Well, I shall have to ask Jane for +another." + +It was also a consequence of my deeply private studies that about the +same time I had an accident with the hook of his bedroom door. The night +being sultry, I had removed my coat, and hung it on his hook, over one +of his, and, somehow, in going through the pockets of the undermost coat +in search of the key, he had several times twisted the collar-tab by +which my own garment hung. In taking my coat down again a little later I +used some force; I used so much force that I fetched the whole hook +down, leaving a small piece out of the wood of the door, and, Archie, +busy emptying a drawer, remarked that to put it up again would be +something for the next tenant to do. + +"Oh no--better leave the place as you found it," I said. "You go +on--I'll attend to it." + +"Well, I don't know where you're going to find the screw-drivers--with +my latchkey, I suppose," he remarked. + +But I knew where the screw-driver was. I found it, and put the hook up +securely again, a couple of inches below its old place. + +I also carried constantly in my pocket, ready for use at any moment, a +written page of notepaper, the compilation of which had cost me a good +deal of thought in the reading-room. + +Yet I must make perfectly clear to you that these and twenty other +things that had the appearance of preparations committed me to nothing. +They were merely part of the prudent course of making ready, not for the +best that might happen, but for the worst; and that the worst might be +avoided I plotted at the same time with almost extravagant care. For all +this last, however, the effective human mind works as it were in +separate compartments of the job to be done, and there was no denying +that this was or might become a job. I treated it as a job. And as a job +it cost me no more qualms and tremors than the cool preparation for an +examination in Method might have done. I did not turn pale when I read +in a book of forensic medicine that when one man slays another he +commonly uses far too much violence; I merely noted the fact, and +reminded myself of it from time to time, to be perfect in my (I still +hoped superfluous) lesson. I did not blench when I learned that, +judicial executions apart, ninety-nine per cent. of hangings were +suicidal, so that, certain other precautions being observed, a +presumption could be made preponderatingly probable. I merely turned my +attention to the qualifying precautions. And as for that sheet of paper +I carried--well, young men have killed themselves for less reason, and +seldom for greater. Indeed, to die by his own hand might be the final +virtuous act in which he took his farewell of the world. I would--still +in the last event, you understand--allow him that empty semblance of +virtue. Whether he needed it in heaven or not, I needed it on earth. + +And (I am still talking purely hypothetically) I now recognise that I +had prepared our respective mental attitudes with instinctive skill. +That clever fiend within me had seen to that before I had become awake +to that fiend's existence. By about the--till say a fortnight before the +day fixed for his wedding--none could have told that I had the shadow of +a grudge against him. He had made, for his slander of myself, a sort of +semi-public apology--that is to say, he had mumbled a few words in the +presence of Weston and the Principal of the College; but by that time +the question of slander had been already so far from me that I had +hardly had to affect an equanimity of manner. Without any effort +whatever I had hit the necessary degree of magnanimity to a nicety, and +there had been an end of that. I was free to return to the college +again. This now mattered little since we were within a few days of the +end of the summer term, and it was proposed to have, not a breaking-up +party on the premises, but a boating-picnic at Richmond. + +That I was in love with Evie Soames none knew. Did they? Could they? She +was engaged to Archie, I to Kitty Windus; but I examined it again, to +make sure.... No, no suspicion of jealousy could attach to me; none +would think of a _crime passionel_.... And was it jealousy? Was it a +_crime passionel_? I do not think you can say it was. True, I intended +in the teeth of all the world to marry Evie Soames, just as I intended +one day to be rich and to make my inherent power felt; but there would +have been other ways than murder of accomplishing that. I should have +found a way.... No; he had the best reason in the world for what I was +so carefully planning for him. To me none whatever could be attributed. +My preparations (for the worst, of course) would be complete when I had +made use of that paper I carried in my pocket. + +It was one evening less than a week before the day of his wedding that I +chose for the completion of these preparations, and I had walked with +him as far as his home. There, with a good-night, I was artfully passing +on when he himself detained me. + +"Aren't you coming up for a bit?" he said. He had been monstrously +hospitable since I had taken him to task about the slander. I had +reckoned on this. + +"No," I replied, "I must get some shorthand practice--I'm off home." + +"Oh, come in," he urged, taking my arm. "I sha'n't get much either this +few weeks--come in, and we'll have an hour together at speed. Come +on--I've got some books you may as well have--I sha'n't want two sets." + +He meant he wouldn't want Evie's text-books as well as his own. I had +not been able to afford books for my studies, and so had had to make use +of those belonging to the college. This was the nearest he had come +since my accusation to speaking about Evie and himself together. + +I went up to his rooms for a speed practice in Pitman's Shorthand. + +"Here are the books," he said, when he got in. "Better put 'em where +you'll have your hand on 'em--once you lose sight of a thing in this +mess you can say good-bye to it. That blessed latchkey of mine hasn't +turned up yet. Well, shall we get work over first and then talk a bit?" + +He swept aside with his arm a heap of new shirts and collars and +tissue-paper, took a writing-pad from the drawer of his table, and then +looked round for something from which to read aloud. I produced from my +pocket a newspaper, which I tossed over to him. I also had cleared a +portion of the table for myself and was sharpening a pencil. My pad lay +before me. He was taking his watch from the guard. + +"Do I read first?" he asked, opening the newspaper. "Right-oh. Say when +you're ready." + +I drew up my chair. "Right," I said. + +And in his rapid, clear, high-pitched voice he began to read. + +It was the speech of some politician or other he read, and my pencil +flew over the paper, swiftly taking down. Page after page I wrote, and I +had almost forgotten that I was engaged on anything more than an +ordinary exercise when suddenly he called "Time!" I stopped, and took a +long breath. + +"Now transcribe," he said. "You'll find paper under those gloves." + +"No," I said. "You take down now. Saves time. Transcribing's the slow +part, and we can both be doing that together." + +"All right," he said, passing over the paper and making ready. + +"Right? Go," I said. + +And I began in my turn to read. + +He had given me a continuous speech, but I gave him the Police Column. +"Big Blaze in Bermondsey: Suspected Arson," I gave him. ("That chap'll +get a couple of years for that," he interdicted). And then I passed to +"Alleged Bucket-shop Frauds." I had already got my paper from my +breast-pocket, that paper I had compiled in the reading-room of the +British Museum.... + +"--bail being granted in two sums of £500," I concluded the bucket-shop +paragraph and went on without pause:-- + + + "PATHETIC CONFESSION" + + "At Marlborough Street yesterday Rose Baxter, 24, seamstress, + living in Osnaburgh Street, was charged before Mr Siddeley with + a determined attempt to commit suicide by hanging herself in a + shed adjoining her dwelling, the property of Messrs Wright, + Knapton & Co. The beginning of the case was reported in _The + Argus_ of 24th June. Inspector Woodhead read aloud a letter + purporting to be in the prisoner's handwriting, from which we + take the following." + +("Cheerful subjects you choose, I must say," commented Archie, _sotto +voce_.) + + "'Dearest mother, I cannot face the disgrace. I hope you will + forgive me for the trouble I am bringing on you. I have put it + off as long as possible, hoping things would get better, but + there is only one end to it." + +("Kid, eh?" murmured Archie, writing.) + + "'I trust God will forgive me. I am not afraid to die, I am + afraid to live and face it. I cannot do E. this wrong. Please, + dear mother, think of me as I used to be. I have tried and + tried, but it is all no good, and I am better out of the world. + Give my love to everybody, and try, dear mother, to forgive + me.'" + +"Time!" + +Archie leaned back in his chair. + +"Phew! Was that five minutes? Seemed short," he said. "Just a breather +before we transcribe." He lighted a cigarette. "I say, Jeff: do you know +any dealer who gives a decent price for second-hand clothes? I've heaps +here I sha'n't want any more." + +I had small use for such a dealer. "You might try Lamb's Conduit +Street," I said. "I've bought clothes there." + +"Silly ass----I didn't mean that!" He was now monstrously careful of my +feelings. + +"Say when you're ready to transcribe," I said, pushing across a wad of +paper. + +"All right, let's get it over. I'll race you! Ready?" + +We plunged into our longhand transcription. + +"Ah!" I said, twenty minutes later. "Beat you, Archie!" + +He was racing through his last paragraph. "Not by much, you haven't," he +said, and then, following our practice with exercises at the college, +"No you haven't--you haven't signed--hooray!" he cried, dashing in his +signature and looking at his watch. "Thirty-two minutes--pretty smart, +what?" + +An hour later I left, with his exercise as well as my own slipped +between the leaves of Smillie's "Balance of Trade"--one of the +text-books he had given me. + +My hypothetical case was now completely prepared. + + * * * * * + +And now I spared no effort to save him. When it is yours to slay or to +spare, you have in a sense slain even in sparing, for a life has been +yours, even as Archie Merridew's life lay in the folds of that signed +sheet of paper. + +I carried that signed paper in my breast pocket on the day of the +breaking-up party to Richmond. It had not been my intention to go to +this picnic, for the sufficient reason that I was penniless _pas le +sou_--but once more Kitty, to whom I had told some tale or other about +pressing work, had broken out upon me. + +"Oh yes--of course--I might have known!" she had cried, doubtless +knowing that "pressure of work" tale of old from Frank and Alf. "Oh +yes--it was quite enough that I should set my heart on it and I might +have known you'd be busy or something! Busy!" + +Her scornful little laugh had set me tingling: I--busy! But I had +already seen that I should have to go. It had only remained for me to +climb down to the level of Frank and Alf in the easiest possible way. + +"Don't carry on like that, Kitty," I had said shortly. "It isn't so much +the work; the fact is I'd like to go; but I can't very well ask them to +pay me for the work before it's done, and the fact is I've rather +miscalculated this week. It will be all right next week, of course." + +"Oh, if that's it," she had said, her hand going as naturally to her +pocket as if she had inherited the gesture as she had inherited her +features or her name. + +So I had accepted her purse, having accepted only meals before, and Alf +and Frank and I were of a marrow. + +The paper was in my breast pocket as we walked down to the stages to +hire our boats. We were a largish party, but except for those in the +boat in which I presently found myself--Evie, Kitty and Archie +Merridew--I have no very clear recollection of who was there. I took one +oar, Evie the other, Archie was not exercising himself physically; and +he lay back in the steering seat with Kitty. It was hot; I should have +liked to remove my coat; but I dreaded to part myself even by a yard +from that paper. As it was my movements caused it to work up a little in +my inside pocket; I saw a corner of it at the opening of the coat; it +had the appearance of wishing to take a peep at Archie; and by-and-by +Archie asked me why I didn't take my coat off. + +"Not clean shirt day, eh, Jeff?" he laughed, with the recollection of +numerous brown-paper parcels in his eyes. + +He himself was taking extreme care of a pair of spotless flannels, and +at one stage of the afternoon, I forget when, that suddenly struck me as +almost funny enough to shriek aloud at--his care for his flannel bags +and carelessness about everything else. It struck me as--I use the words +quite literally--devilishly funny. It fascinated me, so that I could not +keep from watching him. My eyes wandered from time to time to the other +boats of our party and of other parties, moving on the shining river, +but they always returned in less than a minute to him, irresistibly +drawn. This _galgenhumor_ almost mastered me as the paper again crept up +to take another peep at him as he lolled, this time with Evie by his +side, for Kitty had taken the other oar. It needed so little, so little +imagination to look forward and see, strung out into the future, the +results of that irrefutable Evidence in my pocket--the inquest at which +I should not even be called as a witness--the funeral I need attend only +as a mourner--the shock--the hushing up--and the certainty of everybody +that they knew all about it! It was all horribly, horribly perfect.... + +A picnic? Oh yes, this was a picnic.... + +"_Do_ take your coat off, Jeff--you'll be so much more comfortable--why, +you're streaming!" This came from Kitty, who had the air of publicly +possessing me, though only partly by reason of having paid for me, I +think. + +"Oh, I'm quite all right--really quite comfortable," I replied. + +And then I thought of Evie, and that horrible humour rolled away from +me. Evie. What about her? She spoke even then. + +"Jeff's doing _all_ the work," she said. "I'm sure Kitty and I could +manage the boat quite well." + +"Better stay as we are," I replied. "Archie and I wouldn't trim." + +Yes, what about Evie? + +Well, for her it was only a choice of sacrifices. The choice was not of +my determining; I put that responsibility on him. There was still time; +I would save him if I could; that was settled; but further than that I +would not go. Should she fail to survive the shock it would be he, not I +who had killed her. Better that, however.... + +If you can see what else I could have done, tell me. I am willing to +learn. + +And so we went up the river, and drew in under a bank for tea, and then +went ashore for a walk, I with Kitty, he with Evie, and so back to the +boat again. I do not remember quite how the time went. I know that the +sun went down in a flush of rose, and that Japanese lanterns appeared on +the water and in the water in long smooth reflections, and that parties +were singing and playing banjos in the twilight. I could not have sat by +Evie--it really would have put the boat out of trim--and so I had not to +sit by Kitty either. She and I pulled again; Archie and Evie in the +stern seat were hardly distinguishable; and Archie, who had been +singing, was quiet again. + +And I must have succeeded in keeping that dreadful mirth of mine to +myself, for Kitty had noticed nothing. She stood by my side in the +crowded station afterwards, murmuring to me how lovely it had been. + +That is all I remember about that picnic. + +Nor have I any reason for not telling you the truth about this. I am +concealing neither the man nor the devil in me. For many years I have +been almost entirely untroubled by it all, and I make even this slight +qualification only because during the last month I have had feelings, +not of remorse, but of something that is better described as a sort of +backward curiosity. Perhaps it is a little more even than that, for a +certain measure of admiration is not entirely absent from it. Don't +misunderstand me, however. That tincture of admiration is not so strong +that I cannot rest unless somebody admires my cleverness with me. +Nothing irresistibly urges me to give myself away. But I have felt a +little that backward pull of a man's own acts. I do not know, though +practically it has not come near me, why men revisit places. I do not +revisit that house near the Foundling Hospital--yet I do write this +shorthand carefully locking my door before I begin and committing it to +the most private recess of my cabinet as I complete each instalment.... +Yet other compunction, if this be compunction, have I none. I am rich, I +am serving my age by a more arduous grappling with its economic problems +than any of my contemporaries, I could have had Pepper's knighthood had +I wished for it, and I have been married this long time to Evie +Soames.... No, on the whole I do not believe in melodramatic +retributions. No shadowy shape of a fair-haired and red-waistcoated +figure glides at my elbow or steps with me into my brougham, and when I +close my eyes at night I do not see as on a painted curtain that +dimity-papered, lamp-lighted upper chamber of his. I do not start at +sudden sounds, nor fear to be left alone in my library when it grows +late. I play with my clean-born children. Evie is happy with me. And I +even have Miss Angela in a cleft stick--for, when things go well, she is +my gentle and much-loved maiden aunt by marriage, but when they go +across she is my mother-in-law, who would stare incredulously at any who +might hint that my brain could plot a horror and my two hands execute +it. + +And yet I write this, and sometimes waste an hour in wondering why, all +of a sudden, Kitty Windus threw me over without giving a reason, and, +when I went for one, had left her rooms in Percy Street and gone +goodness knows where. + +But bah! They are wrong who say that for every crime somebody has to +pay. They speak from hearsay. I do not speak from hearsay. To my own +knowledge one crime has been committed for which nobody has paid and +nobody ever will. + +Well, things are as they are ... and so I will make an end. + +My desperate struggles to save Archie Merridew included an interview +that I had positively to force from Miss Angela. I had to force it for +the reason that, though I was now theoretically exculpated from the +charge under which I had lain, slander always sticks, and some of it +still stuck with Miss Soames in spite of her efforts to forget it. That, +I think, was the reason why she saw me in the dining-room at Woburn +Place instead of in her own sitting-room, where, I knew, Evie was. +There, among the empty chairs, toying with Mr. Shoto's napkin-ring and +putting it down again as I remembered whose it was, and then +unconsciously taking it up again, I told her in such terms as I could +find how matters stood. She nodded from time to time. + +Again it was not my fault if she failed to understand. She did, I now +know, fail, and failed the more hopelessly that she thought she did +understand. Many, many thick wrappings lie between placid Aunt Angela +and the stark realities of Life. + +"I see perfectly," she said, when I had made that statement that would +have appalled any but herself. "It was exactly the same with George. (I +was once--engaged--to a man called George.) George put a precisely +similar case quite plainly before me. _He_ was consumptive, or rather +his poor father was, and they do say it skips a generation--poor +George!" + +I shook my head, but she only sighed with gentle content. She did not +really miss George. + +"But," she went on, while my eyes wandered to the corner by the +sideboard where Archie had had his conversation with Mr Shoto about the +Yoshiwara, "I shouldn't have refused him for that. (I did refuse him, +and I heard afterwards that for weeks he ate scarcely anything at all.) +It was something quite different that came between us--I've never told +even Evie what the real reason was." + +I interrupted her. "Are you sure, Miss Soames, that you've quite +understood my real reason?" (More plainly I dared not speak, lest later +there should be a chink in my own armour.) + +"Oh yes!" she purred lightly. "Old woman as I am, I _quite_ understand! +As you say ... 'the children.' ..." Then, forgetting her attitude for a +moment, she became playfully roguish. "Of course, it isn't as if you +weren't in love with Miss Windus, and so in a sense feel it more nearly. +You know how _you_ would feel about it. I only say this that you may see +that I _quite_ understand these things do make a difference--eh?" + +"But when I solemnly assure you that that has nothing whatever to do +with it." + +She adjusted the Indian shawl coquettishly about her shoulders. + +"Ah, that's what you think! Come, Mr Jeffries you're positively +ungallant! As if I was so old that I'd forgotten! And not only George +either! I hope you won't be offended, Mr Jeffries, if I tell you that I +suspect--I suspect--that in this I know you better than you know +yourself!" + +Against that phrase there is no argument. Some people do not and cannot +see. And again I did not think Miss Angela had the right to extract from +me the uttermost word. I was aware that the very possession of that +awful weapon of mine was dangerous; merely to have it might be to use +it; but the question is one of your resolve, and I was fully resolved. +My job had to be done, or (as I still dared in certain moments to hope) +not to be done; but if it was to be done, it was going to be done +thoroughly. My neck was not going into a noose because of other people's +blindness. It was of no use talking to Miss Angela. + +And that being so, I abandoned my attempt with her. I smiled. + +"Well, perhaps you're right," I said. "When one is in love oneself, and +looking forward--well, perhaps it does bring it home to one. Perhaps it +makes one a little of a busybody. So," I concluded, "I hope you won't +exaggerate what I've been saying." + +And a few minutes' further talk of things she had actually seen for +herself in Archie--such things as his slight intemperance on the night +of the birthday-party--made me quite safe with Miss Angela also. + +To Kitty I was able to say even less than this. Indeed, she now detested +Archie so thoroughly that I was scarcely able to say anything at all. +And, looking back with all the care I am master of, I cannot see that +anything I did say could have been the cause of that extraordinary +breaking off with me without a word. + +To Evie I said nothing at all. + +There remained one more attempt with himself. + +The time I chose for this was fixed by the exigencies of all the +circumstances. I would have wrestled with him for the whole of the two +days that remained before his wedding, but his own absence for a day +precluded this. And as during that day I sought him in vain, I thought, +very wearily, that he must now take his chance. Therefore, when it came +to the very last day, the day before his wedding, I recognised that that +also gave a perfect touch to the Evidence. The _very_ eve of his +wedding. + +_Several_ evenings before would somehow have been less plausible. + +As I walked to his rooms that night I carried with me three things. +Under my arm was my old brown-paper parcel--for to make a final use of +his bath had seemed to me the most natural excuse for my calling on him. +In my breast pocket I carried that piece of paper that was to be the +Evidence to the world. And in another pocket I had his latch-key, for +which I foresaw a use later in the evening. + +I knocked at his door a little after eight, and Jane admitted me. She +gave a familiar look at the parcel that contained my shirt, and also +said something about a box Mr Merridew was leaving behind for the care +of which he wanted me to be responsible. I passed this box on the first +landing. It was locked, but only half addressed--Archie had not yet +secured the rooms to which he would return with Evie. But he had not yet +said anything about the box to me. + +I found him walking about his rooms, taking last peeps into empty +drawers to see whether there was anything he had forgotten. His packing +was finished, and he kept stopping in his prowl to throw another handful +of old letters on to the smouldering heap in his old Queen Anne teapot +of a grate. A little pile of these condemned letters still remained by +the side of his perforated brass fender. + +"Hallo!" he cried as I entered. "Just give a squint round, will you, and +tell me if there's anything so big I can't see it. And I say: I've left +a box downstairs; I wonder if you'd look after it for me? I've told +Jane." + +"Right!" I said. "Bath ready?" + +"All ready. By Jove! how letters do accumulate! You go and scrub +yourself, while I polish this lot off." + +I went into his bathroom. + +But I did not make use of his bath. Somehow I could not bring myself to +it. I only wanted the bath to be known as my motive for calling. So I +filled it, stood by it for a number of minutes, and then ran the water +off again. I took the same brown-paper parcel with me into his +sitting-room that I had brought out. + +I did not stay long after that. I was coming back. At nine I rose. + +"What, are you off?" he said. "I must say you take what you want and +clear off pretty quick! Supper'll be up presently." + +"A last stag-party?" I said. "I'm afraid you'll have to have it without +me. I've got to get to Bedford yet. So," I added, "I shall have to wish +you--you know--get it over now." + +"Oh, don't put on so much blessed ceremony!" he said. "It isn't as if +you weren't going to see me again!" + +It wasn't. + +"Oh, about that box," I said. "Better call Jane, and tell me in her +presence." + +"Well, if you _will_ leave me to eat my last bachelor supper alone. But +I should have had to clear out myself just after. Got to have a word +with Aunt Angela--she let's me call her that now." + +He moved towards the door. + +"Where are you going?" I asked. + +"To call Jane," he replied. "Bell's busted now--time I cleared out of +here--whole place is coming to pieces.... Jane! Ja--ne!" he shouted down +the well of the stairs. + +Then as Jane didn't hear he descended to the floor below. + +His old red woollen bell-rope lay in a heap on the floor. That also had +happened as a result of my studies in the British Museum. I busied +myself with it.... By the time he had returned I had made it quite ready +and was gazing thoughtfully into his fireplace. + +I went downstairs with Jane, who herself closed the door behind me. I +gave her a very express good-night. + + * * * * * + +The remainder of that evening I can divide into four distinct stages, +and I will adopt that course, taking them numerically. + +The first stage was one of an almost overwhelming lassitude. I had an +hour and a half and more to kill, and this lassitude came upon me +suddenly as I walked slowly in the direction of Cheapside. I was in its +power before I recognised its dangers. The man of action had suddenly +sunk into abeyance with me, and, now that all was ready, all interest +in my job had departed from me. The drudgery of actual performance was +all at once beyond my powers. I could have gone on planning--I wished +there had been more to plan--but now to carry out.... + +I collapsed suddenly. + +Why (I asked myself wearily) trouble after all! Why trouble about +anything? Life was short, yet already too long; its activities +overlauded, its glories contemptibly little; why waste it in +striving--nay, why live it all? Thirty years of it had brought me +nothing; whatever another thirty years might bring me I should have to +leave, and what would it matter after that whether I left much or +little? Nay, were there really an Infinite Mercy to be "squared," it was +perhaps better to cast myself before it helpless, naked, and without +profit of my life. Why not end it all now? Why not kill, not Archie, but +myself? + +I turned with bowed head down the Minories, and something within +me--I think it was that honest and beaten and bloody-minded +Jeffries--whispered "The River!" + +Presently I stood not far from the Tower, looking over a parapet into +the dark water. + +Yes, the river would settle it, that was the real way out. No more +Agency clerkships and red-and-green-lighted apartments and sham +betrothals on the other side of that parapet. And no more heartrending +strivings to be free of the circumstances into which the world +malignantly thrust me back the moment I raised my head. Striving? I +realised all my striving in the past--Rixon Tebb & Masters', the Method +examination, my commissionaireship, the wanton slander, my late +perfected plan--and the thought that the years to come might be but +repetitions of all this hit me like a hammer. I could not face it. + +Then a detached sentence from one of the books I had read in the museum +sprang up in my mind, and I started a little. The sentence was to the +effect that a man who leaps into water always removes his hat before +doing so. I did not remember that I had taken my own hat off, but there +it lay, on the parapet, at my elbow. + +Then, "Well, it will do to cover some other poor devil's head," murmured +that tired Jeffries, "Get it over, and send that conscienceless young +scamp to hell with _your_ blood on his head. Somebody always pays, you +know." + +I removed my coat. + +But that tired Jeffries never spoke unanswered, and these words were +answerable. To make a hole in the water from sheer weariness was one +thing, but to destroy myself to compass another's damnation was quite a +different one. The other Jeffries spoke. + +"Why should you kill yourself for his sin? Each man must bear his own. +Nay, it is not committed yet and will not be if you are strong and play +the man. Are you going to fold your hands and allow Evie...." + +And at the thought of Evie I felt my sluggish blood creep again. + +"You live in a practical world--be practical," continued that satanic +James Herbert. "Prevention is better than cure. Even could he be +punished afterwards, how much better off would _she_ be ... _then_? What +right have you to bring this horror on her? He's selfish, ignorant, +cruel--it would be dreadful at the best; but ... oh, think, man! Think +of her now ... and to-morrow!" + +"You only want her yourself," growled the other. + +"You do--but that's not your motive!" cried the first. "You've +overlooked all he's done to you--but this isn't to you! Coward--if you +allow it! You won't allow it--to kill him would be better than to allow +it.... Come; what time is it? She'll be preparing for bed by the time +you get there." + +I put on my hat and coat again. + +This was my first stage. + +The second began with my approach to Woburn Place. + +The sitting-room with the pink-shaded lamp lay at the front of the +house, but Evie and her aunt slept at the back. The sitting-room was in +darkness as I passed. I took a side street, and then a back cartway used +by tradesmen. A high wall was in front of me, but by stepping back I +could see the hinder part of the row--landing windows, bathroom windows, +tiny conservatories, bedrooms--various oblongs at different levels, some +blinded, some with lamps, many in darkness. Behind me was a mews, with +horses that moved their feet in their litter and dragged at chains from +time to time. + +The tradesmen's entrances were unnumbered, and I do not know whether I +hit on the right house; but that did not matter. I have mentioned my +uncommon powers of mental visualisation, and these sufficed me. I fixed +my eyes on a window; it might or might not have been Evie's; but to all +intents and purposes it was. Somebody was retiring there, and the blind +was lowered. + +I saw no hand, no shadow on the blind. Only the light went out suddenly, +and from the sound the blind made as it went up I judged it to be a +spring blind. A piano had begun to play somewhere, but save for that +all was silent. + +It was the last of her single days. + +To-morrow. + +My heart was hideously alive again. What! Fold my hands--drown--and Evie +as she still was up there. + +Soft and terrible ejaculations began to break from my lips. + +"Ah, would he? Would he? He would, would he?" + +A clock struck half-past eleven. + +This was my second stage. + +I will begin the third at the moment when I pushed gently at the gate +over the whitewashed area near the Foundling Hospital. + +His light still showed over the leads, but the basement was in darkness. +Evidently Jane had gone to bed. I felt in my pocket for his latchkey, +mounted the three steps, and with infinite softness put the key into the +lock and turned it. The door opened noiselessly, and I prevented the +click as I closed it again by letting the little brass knob gently back +with my thumb. Then silently I began to mount his stairs, passing on the +way the locked box that had been put into my charge. I reached the top. +The first sound I had made since entering the house was my tap at +Archie's door. + +"Come in!" his tenor voice called from behind the door. + +I entered. + +At first he did not seem more than ordinarily surprised to see me; it +was only after a moment that the oddness struck him. + +"Hallo!" he began, in natural though not altogether cordial tones.... +Then, "Hallo! I thought you were in Bedford by this time." + +"Missed my train," I said. + +He stared mistrustfully.... + +He had been preparing for bed. He had removed his collar and tie, and +his red waistcoat was unbuttoned. Through the chink of his bedroom door +I saw the light of his second lamp. + +In his surprise at seeing me back again, he had half risen from his +arm-chair. He remained, his hands on the arms of it, neither sitting nor +standing, as he asked suddenly, "Who let you in?" + +"Myself," I answered, in an even tone. "A little unceremonious, perhaps, +but I knew Jane had gone to bed and didn't want to fetch you down. The +fact is, I've found your latchkey." + +"You've found my latchkey!" + +"In my coat pocket. Don't ask me how it got there. Our two coats were +hanging together one night, but even then I don't quite see.... Here it +is anyway." + +I put it on the table. + +"That's a rum 'un," he said, slowly sitting down in his chair again, +but keeping his eyes on mine. "So you came back to give it me?" + +"I came back to give it you. Besides," my eyes were on his slender bare +neck, "since I was coming back--I thought I'd like another word with you +before----" I paused. + +For a moment I could not understand the readiness with which he took up +the thing I had not said. His lips had compressed a little. + +"Ah! Again?" he said, with a little kindling in his eyes. + +"'Again'?" Then I saw. He had seen Miss Angela during the last hour, and +she had doubtless spoken of my own call on her. "Yes, again," I +answered. + +That third stage had a curious close. That close was nothing less than +the reunification of those two halves of the Giant to the fabulous +splitting into two of whom I have likened my mental state. They came +together again, these two halves, as the two forces come together that +make the thunder clap ... but of this in a moment. + +After several moments of increasingly rapid talk, we were both standing, +he defiantly with one hand on the edge of the mantelpiece, I at the +other end of the hearth. He had risen a moment before at certain words +of mine, as if to inform me that our interview was over. Once I had seen +his eyes move towards the place where the bell-rope should have been, +but that lay, a red woollen heap, on the floor behind me, and he would +have had to pass me in order to get into his bedroom. He had found an +appearance of forcefulness in the use of violent words. + +"Why, damn your impudence!" he blustered. "Look here, my good man! If +you suppose I'm going to be talked to like this by you or anybody +else----" + +"Then deny the fact," I said for the fifth time. + +"I'll not deny or anything else till I know what right----" + +"I know it comes late, but I've spoken of it before." + +"Yes--sneaking behind my back!" he said hotly, probably again +remembering his recent conversation with Miss Angela. + +"To your face." + +"Yes--and if it hadn't been for something else I should have told you +then what an interfering devil you were!" + +"Merridew," I said slowly, "it's the last time." + +He sneered. + +"I'm glad of that--and confound you for a meddler!" he cried. "If that's +all you came for, get out, and I'll get somebody else to look after my +trunk!" + +We were silent for a space, and in that space I heard the voice of that +human Jeffries, almost pitifully seeking still to save him. "Give him +every chance," sobbed that Jeffries, "he's only a weakling--you could +crush him mentally as you could physically--it would be little better +than infanticide--try him again--show him that red thing on the +floor--and that carved thing on the door." + +But now Archie in his turn seemed to have become divided. He had +suddenly turned white. But an habitual pertness still persisted in his +tongue. I don't think this had any relation whatever to the physical +peril he seemed at last to have realised he was in. I stood over him +huge and black as Fate.... "Spare him if you can," that generous +bloodthirsty devil in me muttered quickly. + +"Merridew," I said heavily, "you'll disappear to-morrow morning ... +_or_----" + +"Shall I?" he bragged falteringly.... + +"And you won't come back. I shall stay here to-night and put you into +the train myself." + +"Then you'll have to sleep in the bath--and you should know by this time +how small that is," came from his lips. + +And yet it came only from his lips. His terrified heart had no part in +it. His only chance now was to have screamed aloud. + +But he did not scream. Instead, he stooped swiftly, caught up the +poker, and struck at my head with it. + +It was then that the thunder-clap came, and that I was James Herbert +Jeffries, whole, and a murderer. Swiftly as Archie and I came together +the halves of that Giant came together. Instinctively I had guarded my +head, perhaps realising--I cannot say--that a single drop of blood might +mean for me precisely what I intended to do to him; but it mattered +little whether blood blinded my eyes or not. Another redness gorged me, +and then, my mind became whitely blind. As colours are lost on a disc +that revolves, so all my plans and preparations spun and mingled. All +was there, yet nothing was there. For an instant my visual memories of +that pleasant, dimity-papered apartment stood separate; my own old +experiences and new divinations also stood separate; I saw ahead, three +or four minutes ahead, his struggles in my great arms, my left arm about +his ankles, my right hand over his mouth, the red of the woollen +bell-rope against his white neck ... and then all wheeled hideously +together.... + +I was upon him, smothering him with my bulk, and wondering even as I +bore him backwards to the door whether I myself was bleeding.... + + * * * * * + +The fourth stage was characterised throughout by an extraordinary +quietness. There was the light sound of the turning of paper in it, for +I had to search in a pile of old books and papers for his shorthand pad +and to make sure I had the right one--I had to take from my breast +pocket another sheet of paper and to glance at that also to make sure +that it also was the right one--and then I had to approach the bedroom +door and to drop this into his pocket.... + +But before I did any of these things I tiptoed to the mirror over the +mantelpiece in order to see whether I bled. + +I did not. My left eye was of a dull red, but not with blood, and I +could deal with that. As a preparation for dealing with it I emptied at +a draught the brandy flask he had prepared for his journey on the +morrow. + +Softly as a cat I continued to move about. + +Then I had to remember which of his stairs creaked to the tread. They +were the fourth and the tenth from the first landing; I knew that as +well as I knew my own name; and yet for a time I really could not +remember the numbers. + +The room was quiet as a grave as I gave a final glance round at the +displayed Evidence.... + +Then behind his Queen Anne grate a cricket began to sing. + +Nobody saw me leave the house. I had to bring his latchkey away. +Without it the latch would have clicked as I closed the door from the +outside. + +Then I crossed Mecklenburgh Square and walked towards King's Cross. + +A quarter of an hour later an apparently very drunken man of uncommon +stature lurched heavily through the swing doors of my public-house and +fell full length on the floor in the middle of a knot of drinkers. A +barman dived quickly under the flap of the counter, with an "Outside!" +rushed towards me. I was hauled to my feet. I had a hand over one eye. + +"_'E's_ copped the brewer all right!" a cheerful voice sounded in my +ear. "Just smell 'im! Must ha' been drinking it straight out o' the +cask." + +"'Ere--'old 'ard--ain't it your lodger?" somebody else said suddenly. + +"Is it? Lumme, so it is! Look at 'is eye!" + +"Ain't 'alf a mouse!" + +"'Ere, 'elp me up with 'im the back way, Jim--Lord! 'e weighs a ton! +I've never known 'im 'ave a drink 'ere, but there, they get it at one +place if they don't at another." + +Then somebody bawled to me: + +"Look out--don't blow your nose--you'll 'ave your eye up if you do!" + +But I wanted my eye "up." Up it came instantly, large as an egg, and +there was a laugh. + +"Well, 'e won't brag much about where 'e got _that_!" somebody said. + +And they helped me up to my red-and-green-lighted room. + + * * * * * + +They say somebody always pays. Well, this my story. It is a long time +ago, and nobody has paid yet. Nor, as far as I can see, is it likely +that anybody ever will. There is only one detail that I have not been +able properly to attend to, and even that has attended to itself--for of +course Kitty Windus fled because she realised that I was in love with +Evie. I could hardly expect her to stay after that. + +No: nobody has paid. Nobody ever will. + + +THE END + + + +Notes for "In accordance with the evidence" by Oliver Onions + +Italic text is denoted by _underscore_ and bold text by =equal sign=. + +Page 32--a word was unreadable and was best guessed as (pretence). + +Inconsistant hyphenation and spelling are kept as in the original. + +Mr and Mr. were kept as in the original. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's In Accordance with the Evidence, by Oliver Onions + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE *** + +***** This file should be named 37919-8.txt or 37919-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/9/1/37919/ + +Produced by Quentin Johnson, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: In Accordance with the Evidence + +Author: Oliver Onions + +Release Date: November 4, 2011 [EBook #37919] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE *** + + + + +Produced by Quentin Johnson, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<br><br><br><br> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"> +<img src="images/coverone.jpg" width="450" height="708" alt="Coverone" title=""> + +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span> +<br> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> + + + + + + +<br><br> + +<h1>IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE</h1><br> +<h1>OLIVER ONIONS</h1> + + + +<br> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span><br> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + + +<br><br> +<h2>IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE</h2><br> +<p class="nowcen">BY</p> +<h2>OLIVER ONIONS</h2> +<br> +<br> + +<div class="nowcen"> +Author of "The Exception," etc.<br> +<br> + +GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY<br> +NEW YORK<br> +<i>Publishers in America for Hodder & Stoughton</i><br> +</div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> + + + + +<p class="nowcen"> +Copyright, 1913 +<br> +By George H. Doran Company<br> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p> + +<br> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> + +<p class="nowcen1"> +TO<br> +WILLIAM ARTHUR<br> +LEWIS BETTANY<br> +</p><br> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> + + + + + + +<p class="nowcen1"><b>CONTENTS</b></p> + +<div class="center"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> +<tr><td align="center"></td><td align="left">PART I</td><td align="center"> PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"></td><td align="left"> HOLBORN </td><td align="center"><a href="#Page_10">11</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"></td><td align="left">PART II</td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"></td><td align="left"> WOBURN PLACE </td><td align="center"><a href="#Page_112">113</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"></td><td align="left">PART III</td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"></td><td align="left"> THE GARRET </td><td align="center"><a href="#Page_190">191</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> + +<br> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" > +<h2><a name="PART_I" id="PART_I"></a>PART I</h2> +<h2>HOLBORN</h2> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" > +<h2><a name="IN_ACCORDANCE_WITH_THE_EVIDENCE" id="IN_ACCORDANCE_WITH_THE_EVIDENCE"></a>IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE</h2> + +<h3>I</h3> + +<p>It seems strangely like old times to me to be making these jottings in +Pitman's shorthand. I was surprised to find I remembered as much of it +as I do, for I dropped it suddenly when Archie Merridew died, and +Archie's clear, high-pitched voice was the last that ever dictated to +me for speed, while I myself have not dictated since Archie took down +his last message from my reading. That will be—say a dozen years or +more ago next August. It may be a little more, or a little less. Nor, +since I do not keep it as an anniversary, does the day of the month +matter.</p> + +<p>Either in my rooms or his, we had a good deal of this sort of practise +together about that time, young Archie and I—reading aloud, taking +down and transcribing. I am wrong in speaking of my "rooms" though; I +had only one, a third-floor bedroom near the very noisiest corner of +King's Cross. It was just opposite one of these running electric +advertisements that changed from green to red and from red to green +three times every minute; you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> know them; there are plenty of them +now, but they were new then. The street was narrow; this horrible +thing was at a rounded corner not more than five and twenty yards +away; and even when my lamp was lighted it still tinged my ceiling and +the upper part of the wall above my bed, red and green, red and +green—for I had only a little muslin, half-curtain and no blind, and +if I wanted to read in bed I had either to turn my lamp out until I +had undressed or else to undress in a corner by the window side of the +room, because of being overlooked from across the way. I don't think +there were any other lodgers in the house. It was a "pub," the +"Coburg," but I could get on to the staircase without going through +the bars on the ground floor, and always did so. The rather sour smell +of these lower parts of my abode reached me up my three flights of +stairs, but I had got used to that. It was the noise that was the +worst (except, of course, that red and green fiend of an +advertisement)—the noise that greeted me when I woke of a morning, +awaited me when I came back from Rixon Tebb & Masters' at night, and +often became maddening when, at half-past twelve, they clashed to the +iron gates of the public-house and turned the topers out into the +street, to fraternise or quarrel for half-an-hour or more beneath my +window.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<p>But we worked more in Archie Merridew's rooms than in mine. "Rooms" is +correct here. He had the whole top floor of a house near the Foundling +Hospital, a pretty house with a fan-lighted ivy-green door, early +Georgian, a brightly twinkling brass knocker and bellpulls, and a +white-washed area inside the railings to make the basement lighter. +His folks lived at Guildford; his father paid his rent for him, +thirty-eight pounds a year; and his pleasant quarters under the roof +had everything that mine hadn't—he could sit outside on the coped +leads when the weather was hot, draw up cosily to a fireplace shaped +something like a Queen Anne teapot when it was cold, and the ceiling, +truncated along one side, didn't begin to turn red and green the +moment the twilight came.</p> + +<p>It gives me a shiver to think how atrociously poor I was in those +days. More and more of that too comes back with the half-forgotten +shorthand. I don't mean that I've ever forgotten that I used to be +poor; it's the depth and degradation I mean and that—this will seem +odd to you presently, as it seems suddenly odd to me as I write +it—that memory is still more horrible to me than anything else I have +ever known. My having got rich since doesn't wipe it out. If I were to +become as rich as Rockefeller I should never forget the rages of envy, +black and deep and bitter, that used sometimes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> to take me when I +thought of Archie Merridew's circumstances and my own.</p> + +<p>I have got riches as I have got everything else—<i>everything</i>—I ever +wanted, by attention to detail. You'll probably agree with me +by-and-by that by "attention to detail" I mean rather more than most +men do when they give this advice to young men about to start in life. +I remember they used to give us, as it were, the empty form and shell +of this maxim at the Business College, the place in Holborn Archie and +I attended; but you've got to have been down into the pit and come +back again before you realise the terrible force there is in these +truisms. And no less in doing things than undoing them afterwards +(when that has been necessary) have I planned to the very last +<i>minutię</i>. If I have never seemed a particularly busy man, that has +been because I have always disliked being seen in the act of doing a +thing. And where I have passed my trail is obliterated.</p> + +<p>Archie Merridew and I were only half contemporaries. He was younger +than I by a good seven years—was, as a matter of fact, only +twenty-three when he died. And in nearly everything else we were as +sharply contrasted as we were in our fortunes. Indeed, we were much +more so, for while I miserably coveted that thirty-eight pound upper +floor of his near the Foundling Hospital, my faith<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> in myself and my +ambition would have helped me over that. Physically, we were as +different as we could be. My almost gigantic size made me, in my +cramped red and green lighted apartment, an enormously overgrown +squirrel in the smallest of cages; but to Archie's rather dandified +little dapperness his series of roof chambers was spacious as a +palace. Mentally we diverged even more. I was taciturn, he lively as +one of the crickets that used to chirp behind his little Queen Anne +teapot of a fireplace. And as for luck—well, if luck ever so much as +nodded to me in those days, it seemed to change its mind and to pass +by on the other side, while he seemed to pull things off the more +easily the more recklessly he blundered.</p> + +<p>And he had his people at Guildford, while I had never a soul in the +world.</p> + +<p>I don't know how we contrived to hit it off as well as, on the whole, +we did. Perhaps that too was part of his lucky disposition—he could +get along even with me. He always spread some sort of a weak charm +about him, and this charm always disarmed me even, when to all intents +and purposes he was merely rubbing in my horrible poverty. He would +tell me, as if I wasn't already eating my heart out about it, that it +was about time I made an effort—that <i>he</i> wasn't going to remain in +those stuffy diggings of his all <i>his</i> days—and that if he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> had only +half my brains he'd be up somewhere pretty high in a very short time +(as he probably would had he lived)—all this, you understand, for my +good, the cigarette gummed to his prettily shaped upper lip wagging as +he talked, and with the best intentions in the world. He was quite +devoted to me; would tell me how he had told other people about those +extraordinary brains of mine; and he never dreamed (though it was not +long before I began to) that our respective ages were even then making +of our companionship a hopeless thing. A lad of seventeen may attach +himself for a time to a man whose years number twenty-four of +bitterness and exclusion, but they will part company again before the +one is twenty-three and the other thirty.</p> + +<p>I was only an evening student at the Business College, while Archie +spent his days there. Often enough he did not turn up in the evening +at all; indeed, he only began to do so with unfailing regularity some +time after Evie Soames had put her name down for the social evening +course of lectures on Business Method. Evie Soames was a day student +too, though only on three days in the week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and +Fridays; and the lectures on Method were given in the evening because +they were specially addressed to those who, like myself, were employed +during the day, and deemed to be ripe for the more advanced +instruction. I don't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> think Archie was very much wiser for Weston's +(our lecturer) efforts, but he was genuinely grateful to me for my +explanations of them afterwards, and would pat me on the shoulder +affectionately, and tell me he couldn't understand why everybody else +didn't see what a rare good sort I was. That was his backhanded idea +of a compliment.</p> + +<p>I think, in those early days of mine, I hated pretty well everything +and everybody; and I cannot better show you how little I found to love +than by giving you, before I go on with my tale, an account of my day +at that period of my life—any day taken at random will do.</p> + +<p>I had to be at Rixon Tebb & Masters' by nine, why, I don't know, since +nobody else of any account whatever turned up much before half-past +ten. But eight of us had to be there by nine o'clock, and I will tell +you how our eight had been got together.</p> + +<p>You know—or don't you know?—that there are firms that contract for +the supply of "office labour" of all grades, from the messenger boy to +the beginning of the confidential clerks; holusbolus, in the lump, as +much of it or as little as you please. You pay, if you are an +employer, a certain number of hundreds a year, and the agency does the +rest. One down, t'other up; sack one man, and telephone for another. +The agency's supply, at the maximum of a pound a week, is practically +unlimited, and the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> firm escapes all personal responsibility in regard +to its staff.</p> + +<p>I was one of these consignments of labour—or rather an eighth of one. +I don't know now what I did. I know that I addressed envelopes and +checked columns of figures and lists of names, quite devoid of meaning +to me, and got eighteen shillings a week for it. There was no chance +that I should ever get more than eighteen shillings. Ask for nineteen +and the telephone rang, the agency was informed of your request, and +... well, three times I had seen that happen.</p> + +<p>One chance of escape, indeed, we had; the firm was clever enough to +allow us that. It was by way of what I may call the permanent junior +clerkship. The permanent junior clerk was, as it were, breveted with +the rank of the real clerks in the inner office; and so was hope +dangled over the heads of eight of us. There was the junior clerkship +amongst the eight of us. That or nothing.</p> + +<p>I need hardly say that jealousy, espionage, and scheming besmirched +our souls.</p> + +<p>Well (to continue my account of my day), I addressed envelopes or read +aloud from interminable lists until one o'clock, and then I lunched. +This we were not allowed to do in the office, so that usually I ate +from a paper bag in one of the quieter streets, or else had a scone +and milk at an A.B.C.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> shop round the corner in Cheapside. I was +alone. My fellow-stuff from the agency, always on the lookout for a +pretext of mistrust, found one in my (I admit) uncommon face. I put in +the time until two, when I was not smothering up annoyance at those +who would turn round to stare at a man who had been made half a head +taller than the rest of the world, in wondering whether those about me +were as rich or worse off than I, and whether they were able to +procure a bath as cheaply and easily; and then I returned to Rixon +Tebb & Masters' again. At six-thirty I proceeded home, washed, and +went out to dinner. I dined at one of the establishments near the +corner of Pentonville Road; you have seen them, there is an +arrangement of gas-jets behind a steamy window, and, in galvanised +iron trays, sausages and onions and saveloys fry. The proprietor of +the "pull-up" fetched my dinner out of the window on the prongs of a +toasting fork, and I ate it in a small matchboard compartment, or, +when these <i>cabinets particuliers</i> happened to be all pre-occupied, at +an oilcloth-covered table that ran down the middle of the shop. During +and after my meal I read the whole of <i>The Echo</i>—I was allowed as a +habitué to retain my seat longer than the casual diner. But on the +nights on which I took a bath (did I say I sponged on Archie Merridew +for this convenience, carrying my clean shirt in a paper that also +served<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> for the wrapping-up of the one I had removed?), I added to my +obligation by supping with him also, and then we walked on to the +Business College together. My clothes I bought in Lamb's Conduit +Street, my boots in Red Lion Passage. I had always the greatest +difficulty in getting a fit in either. At one time I had the +misfortune to make myself very unpopular among the proprietors of a +row of barrows not far from Southampton Row. This was over the +purchase of a collar, and the cub under the naphtha lamp had made some +joke or other about the uncommon size I required, saying that the +horse collars were to be had in St Martin's Lane. The blow under the +ear I gave him was heavier than I intended; I am afraid I broke his +jaw, and I avoided the street for a long time.</p> + +<p>After the class, I either continued my studies, as I have said, with +young Merridew, or else took a walk. In this again I was always alone. +I went far afield. If I went west, I usually turned along Great +Russell and Guildford Streets, but the moths, English and foreign, of +the half light of this last thoroughfare caused me at one time to take +the way of Holborn and Gray's Inn Road. The nickname they gave me, +they also gave, I don't doubt, to fifty men besides myself, but it +seemed somehow to attach itself more conspicuously to me because of my +general conspicuousness. It was that of the mysterious<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> and ubiquitous +author of a series of unelucidated crimes as to the nature of which I +need not be specific.</p> + +<p>Then, when I had walked my fill, I returned to my cage opposite the +red and green electric advertisement.</p> + +<p>This is a fair sample of my days at that time.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>II</h3> + +<p>There is a showy boot shop now where the Business College used to be; +the new place is in Kingsway. There, in Kingsway, I am told they have +methods and appliances undreamed of in my time—mechanical +calculators, wonderful filing systems, elaborate duplicators, and +lectures on Commercial and Political Economy and Mercantile Law—but +the old Holborn curriculum included shorthand, typewriting, +book-keeping, and lectures on method and not very much besides. When I +left, I remember, they were just beginning, as a high novelty, +advertisement-writing. Later, I myself took this class, though only +for a few weeks.</p> + +<p>Even then, I think, the Holborn place was condemned to come down. A +second-hand book shop occupied the ground floor; and above the book +shop window three columns, each of three bow windows, one for each +floor, formed the frontage. The three bow windows of the top floor +were ours. Inside, the place was small and inconvenient in the +extreme. It had been a dwelling-house once, and the old fixtures still +remained—dark cauliflower wallpapers, heavy ornamental gas-brackets, +and little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> porcelain fittings by the fireplaces that still rang, in +the second of the two rooms that had been knocked into one to form a +lecture-room, a row of bells that resembled a series of interrogation +marks.</p> + +<p>Only four women attended the classes. The business woman was, +comparatively speaking, a rarity then, nor can I quite make up my mind +as to how much things have changed in this respect and how much they +remain exactly as they were. They have certainly changed if it is all +on account of her certificate that a young woman can now walk into an +office and be promptly asked at what hour it will be convenient for +her to begin her duties on the morrow; and, lacking certificates, +three of our four students could hardly have fallen back on any +natural diploma of personal charms. I mean, in a word, that Miss +Windus, Miss Causton and Miss Levey were, to say the least, not +remarkably pretty, though Miss Causton was beautiful as far as her +figure and movements went.</p> + +<p>But Evie Soames was very different. She was, in actual years, twenty; +but she seemed still to stand among the debris of her teens as an +opening tree stands over its sprinkling of delicate fallen sheaths in +the spring. Both graces and awkwardnesses of an earlier time still +clung, as it were, to her stem. She had, as I later learned, been at +one school until she was seventeen, at a second school until she was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +nineteen, and now, after a year of indetermination and arrested +development at home, was still further delaying her maturity by +beginning again not very differently from the way in which she had +begun at fourteen. She had, of course, picked up a number of +unimportant acquirements by the way, but had never, in those days when +I first knew her, given it a thought that Evie Soames was a person +Evie Soames might well have some natural curiosity about. She moved, +neither woman nor schoolgirl, among the charts and files and dusty +ledgers of the Business College, slender, dark, necked like a birch, +and with eyes than which, when she looked suddenly round, the flash of +a negro's teeth was not whiter.</p> + +<p>I have told you how my days were passed, but not yet said anything +about my dreams. As I cannot speak of Evie Soames apart from these I +will do so as briefly as I can.</p> + +<p>Whatever else in my life I may have been, I have not, even in my +dreams, been a sensualist. It might in some respects have been better +for me if I had. But so far was I from that that I have even been +charged (though the charge is really as wide of the mark as it could +well be) with a certain inhumanity; by which I mean, not cruelty, +but—how shall I express it?—a certain inaccessibility to the +ordinary human relation. And I do not believe the woman lives who, +given her choice of these two interpretations<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> of the word, would not +prefer the former. Only in the latter does she foresee her final +defeat.</p> + +<p>Therefore, when at midday in Cheapside, or in Guildford Street as I +returned from my lonely rambles, or in Holborn or Oxford Street at the +hour when shops and offices turned out their human contents, male and +female, after the day's work, I watched the pattering feet on the +pavements, I was not stirred as the fleshly stockbrocker or +conscienceless "blood" is stirred. (You must allow me this +generalisation; you know what I mean.) My eyes did not meet other eyes +as seeking acquaintance. I never, in train or tram or 'bus, set off my +vacation of my seat for a woman against the bow or thanks I might +receive. I never, even at my loneliest, held a waitress or attendant +in talk for any satisfaction I had in her nearness. Whatever I have +learned from crowds, crowds have had nothing of mine. Nor, my heavy +and immobile appearance notwithstanding, was I (I affirm this) a +solitary because I was refused acquaintanceship. I was a solitary +because I refused it.</p> + +<p>But what I refused in the streets by day, I could not sleep for +seeking when I lay down at night. What I sought I did not and do not +know; I was only conscious of a hunger within myself that, not being +satisfiable by the eye-profferings and other<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> partial prettinesses of +the crowd, were never offered that sustenance. I have heard this +hunger described as a Divine Discontent, but that is to beg a question +of some magnitude. It might be a very different thing from that. It +might just conceivably be an Infernal Discontent. Or it might, in the +case of a man who regarded neither God nor devil—But I wander. This, +I say, was my dream, and I shared it with no sensualist.</p> + +<p>Of course you have already guessed why I say all this ... guessed what +happened. Between the commonnesses under the street lamps which I +spurned, and those dreams that were ever unseizably beyond my most +ardent reaching forth, I fell in love with Evie Soames.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>There are, I know, men in whom a grim and uncompromising aspect is so +richly compensated for by other gifts that, like John Wilkes, they may +fairly brag that with fifteen minutes' start they would out-distance +in a woman's favours the most regular-featured buck in London. +Therefore (if I may use a "therefore" without egregiousness) it +troubled me little that Miss Windus, not to speak of her two +companions, Miss Causton and Miss Levey, found me unattractive. In +that coin I could have repaid her, had I wished, with interest. Since +I did not wish, my attitude was one of fully-armed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> reserve. All three +of these women seemed to me to be for ever proclaiming, if not in +words, yet in everything but words, that men, <i>as</i> men, have worldly +opportunities given them by a sort of favouritism, and as a kind of +present for their circumspection in getting themselves born men—as if +in this world either men or women ever got anything they were not +quick enough or strong enough or callous enough to seize for +themselves. Miss Windus in especial, a sharp-featured woman of +twenty-eight, with apertures like little scalene triangles out of +which her eyes peered with an expression quizzical and weak and yet +perky and self-confident at the same time (as if she was saying +perpetually to herself, "We may as well hear what <i>this</i> one has to +say for himself!") struck me as being the final word in +self-importance and inefficiency.</p> + +<p>The top-heavy little Jewess, Miss Levey, was a very broker for gossip +and tattle, and the remarks she occasionally made about others to me +were quite enough to warn me that she would make equally free with +myself to others. Both she and Miss Windus seemed to shout aloud the +very sex-difference the existence of which they seemed at the same +time to be denying. They "could not think of giving trouble" when one +or other of the forty men placed a chair or adjusted a light or +carried a Remington for them; but they would have known how<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> to show +their sense of the absence of such attentions all the same.</p> + +<p>I do not know that Miss Causton pleased me very much more, but she at +any rate moved with a wonderful physical harmonious grace and flow. If +one might judge from her hands and wrists (a business certificate on +which she ever bestowed the most sedulous care) she did not come from +quite the same social level as the other two—was, perhaps, the +daughter of a doctor who had married his house-keeper, or of a decent +governess whose decency had not prevented her from running off with a +groom; but I made no attempt to unravel either this riddle or any +other that her rather contemptuous grey eyes might contain. The +attitudes she took in reaching down a book from a shelf or passing her +arm about the waist of one of the other girls when they assembled for +gossip were all I wanted of her, and those began and remained a purely +ęsthetic satisfaction.</p> + +<p>Therefore there could hardly have been a more complete contrast than +there was between these apparently a-sexual yet in reality excessively +sex-conscious women and my delicate unawakened Evie Soames. She made +no more difficulty about giving me a "Good-evening," or "Good-night" +than she did with the rest of the world; and though for a long time +our speech stopped at that, it was yet as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> much as I had with any +other woman whomsoever. That I should get even thus much of what +everybody else in the world seemed to get as a matter of course came +so gently and softly over me that I did not dream of a worse misery +that might lurk hidden within it, and in those early days of my love a +mother would not have fought more wildly for her babe than I would +have turned on any who had offered to come between me and even this +sparse sweetness that had come for the first time into my life.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>III</h3> + +<p>The events I am now about to relate occurred during those early days, +while I was still content to possess my dreams, as if as long as I +closed my eyes the world would stand still about me.</p> + +<p>One November night, as the series of lectures on Method was drawing to +a close, I returned with Archie Merridew to his rooms, silent, but +exceedingly happy. The cause of my happiness will not greatly excite +you, it had been no more than Evie's "Good-night, Mr Jeffries," given +me as I had waited on the stairs of the college for young Merridew, +who had lingered behind to ask Weston something or other.</p> + +<p>I had heard them coming down from the landing above, and, looking up, +had seen the trail of Miss Causton's long grey coat and Miss Windus's +blue and green plaid skirt and her gloved hand on the shaky old rail. +I ought to say that the western-most of the three pillars of bow +windows I have mentioned as forming the Holborn frontage of the +college was the one that lighted the various floors of the staircase, +and if parties had ever been given in that old house before it had got +quite so old, it is odds that the embrasure in which I had <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> +just then been standing, that of the first floor, had held a few palms in pots +and a couple of figures on its low window-seat many a time. But that +night it had only held myself, waiting in the shadow shaped like a +coffin-shoulder that the globeless gas of the landing cast.</p> + +<p>I had heard Miss Windus's little smothered exclamation. "<i>Oh!...</i> That +man!" but instantly she had gone on talking in a higher voice. +Certainly she had had reasonable colour for the pretence that she had +not seen me—had I not happened to hear her exclamation.</p> + +<p>And if I had heard it, so, of course, had Evie.</p> + +<p>"Good-night, Mr Jeffries," Evie had said as she had passed me, and +Miss Windus also, as if suddenly discovering me, had given me quite a +bright "Good-night!" Miss Causton also had given me a languid, almost +insolent smile.</p> + +<p>I was happy. I should probably have taken myself and my happiness off +somewhere had it not been that that evening I had made use of Archie's +bath, and had left in his place, besides that paper parcel I have +mentioned, a notebook of which I had need. So I had returned with +Archie, and, not intending to stay, had yet sat down, overcoated as I +was, before his fire.</p> + +<p>"Better take your coat off for a bit," Archie said.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> "I'd like a +squint at your notes too, if you're not in a hurry."</p> + +<p>The notes were part of our preparation for the examination in Method +which was to be held shortly before Christmas. I threw apart, but +still did not remove my coat, and Archie took up my notebook and read +as he stood. Presently, feeling for a chair with his foot, he sat +down, still reading the notes.</p> + +<p>He looked up from time to time, but the questions he put barely +interrupted my reverie. I stared at the fire in the pretty +old-fashioned grate. He had no gas up there; his cardboard lamp-shade, +green outside and a little heat-browned inside, stood on a +chenille-clothed table; and he had given the shade a tilt for his +convenience in reading. Thus the fireplace end of the room lay in a +sort of irregular parabola of illumination. There were bright circles +on the ceiling above the chimney of the lamp; then came spaces of cosy +gloom; and below, in the pleasant light, were his arm-chairs, his +small book-shelf, and, the rail of it catching the firelight, his high +perforated brass fender. In the middle of a great cam of light that +lay over the dimity-papered wall between his sitting and bed rooms, +his dressing-gown, hanging from a hook in the bedroom door, made a +grotesquely human-shaped shadow.</p> + +<p>By-and-by, with the book on his knee and his eyes still fixed on it, +Archie began mechanically to unlace<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> his boots. I looked up as he +reached for his slippers, and then resumed my reverie.</p> + +<p>I was glad that Kitty Windus, whether she realised it or not, had been +made the subject of an innocently awkward little snub. I couldn't +stand the woman. I couldn't stand it that, ignoring my existence when +she could, she spoke to me, when she did speak, with a false vivacity +that only enhanced the effect of her passing over at other times. And +lest you should think I was wasting my detestation on a rather +insignificant object, I must ask you again to remember what my days +were. The whole Scheme of Things seemed to be against me; but there is +not much relief to be had from taking a blind fling at the Scheme of +Things. A man with a grudge against the world will be very likely +indeed to take that grudge out of the nearest person. I was not +prosperous enough to have much time to waste on human charities. So, +in my resentful hours, I took it mercilessly out of one against whom, +in my calmer moments, I had no grudge except that she was not a +thousand miles away. And if she had been a thousand miles away, I +should have vented my bitterness on somebody else. I had to get rid of +it somehow.</p> + +<p>But if my thoughts gave Miss Windus more of this than she fairly +deserved, perhaps Evie Soames got more in another sort than she +deserved either.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> There was not one of the few stray graces and +sweetnesses I had ever known that did not accrete to and abide about +the thought of her. No generous emotion, no human impulse I had ever +experienced, but came with adoration and rich gifts with which to +exalt her. In my heart I lighted tapers about her image. I did not ask +myself whether she had supplanted my dreams, existed side by side with +them, or was indeed my dreaming made truth. I did not wonder what she +might have been in another man's dreaming, nor whether, apart from the +dreaming of some man, she existed spiritually at all. I only knew that +the fire inside Archie Merridew's fender was not warmer than that +central warmth that seemed to steal (as if there also some bud-sheath +had yielded) about my heart as I pictured again her sapling-straight +figure, the flash of her turning eyes on the landing, and the tone in +which she had bidden me good-night three quarters of an hour before. I +leaned back as it were in some longed-for luxurious resting-place of +the heart. I do not know the origin of the tears that gathered in my +eyes.</p> + +<p>Suddenly Archie threw the book on to the table and stretched himself. +He gave a yawn and put his feet on the fender.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'm sick of work for to-day!" he said. "When are you going to +start smoking?" he added as he drew out a cigarette-case.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> + +<p>I answered something or other—it didn't matter what, since my lovely +moment had gone with the breaking in of his voice.</p> + +<p>"Oh, well!..." he laughed, lighting up. Then, glancing at the blowing +end before throwing his match into the fender, he said: "I say—what a +jolly sort of girl that Miss Soames seems to be!"</p> + +<p>As the cold of a spring night freezes the newly mounting sap of a +tree, so I felt some sweet and vigorous change suddenly arrested in my +heart.</p> + +<p>"Wh-who?" I said. I had to make two attempts at it.</p> + +<p>He laughed.</p> + +<p>"Oh, of course—I forgot, girls don't interest you. Like your not +smoking, I suppose. Hadn't noticed there were any girls at the +college—only see text-books and Remingtons.... Well, not to spring it +on you too suddenly, there <i>are</i> four girls there, three of 'em rather +sticks, but the fourth a ripper. What a rum chap you are!" he +concluded with another laugh.</p> + +<p>He had drawn his chair still closer to the fire, and now sat with his +feet, not on the fender, but half-way up one of the pilasters that +supported the chimneypiece. As he kicked off one slipper and began to +warm one small foot on the iron-work just inside the pilaster, his +profile was turned to me; but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> I didn't at first risk stealing a look +at it for fear of meeting his eyes. Stealthily, however, and moving my +head as little as possible, I did so. It was a pretty profile—fair +curly hair thick on the crown, his head rather high at the back and of +a long shape to the chin, good nose, pleasantly curved mouth—the head +of a decent enough but quite unremarkable youngster of twenty-two. He +was neatly dressed in a grey stripe, and wore a black-bound red +waistcoat with brass buttons. I say he was decent enough, and so he +was: I knew he knew the taste of whiskey, but don't think he drank it +very often. "Good wholesome beer," he used to say with an air of +experience, "was more his mark"; but even then I think the experience +was more that of his companions than his own. You wouldn't have said +there was much harm in him, and he would probably have to spend his +allowance unwisely once or twice before he learned to spend it wisely.</p> + +<p>I made the moving of my chair an excuse for getting him better under +observation.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes, awfully jolly," he repeated, blowing a plume of smoke through +which the firelight shone rustily. "Fun ... no end of fun ... +rather!..."</p> + +<p>Then he smiled, and the smile came and went and came again as he +smoked.</p> + +<p>I don't know why, up to that moment, I had never<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> thought of it—never +thought of how it might already be or might presently become. I +suppose the reason was that a man cannot hold the commerce I held with +dreams without to some extent losing his touch of actuality. But now, +at last, I was awake enough.... As if the room had turned colder I +pulled my coat a little more closely about me.</p> + +<p>It was not then that that heart of mine, which I have likened to a bud +suddenly arrested in the moment of its unfolding, became more +likenable to a grenade with its fuse waiting exposed for the spark +that should bring destruction....</p> + +<p>But I was quite calm. For the matter of that, I am never anything else +when it comes to the point. My angers have served their purpose when +they have brought me to the point. I <i>use</i> anger.... Therefore, though +I knew already that three careless words of his had opened an +immeasurable abyss between us, I was able to speak to him without a +tremor, from my chair at one side of his hearth to him in his own at +the other.</p> + +<p>"You mean Miss——What's her name?"</p> + +<p>"Soames," he informed me. "You know—that young girl—you must have +seen her.... Yes, full of fun.... I laughed.... I did laugh!"</p> + +<p>From the way in which he still laughed there must have been a specific +occasion for his mirth. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> knew of none such. I wished to know, +however, and I also wished to know what he meant by "fun." Young men +mean so many things by "fun," and it—But I stifled something within +my breast almost before it was born there. When I spoke, my voice was +as steady as it has ever been in my life; but the devil, watching a +soul that hesitates on the point of sin, does not watch more closely +than I watched that fair boy with the cigarette dangling from his +upper lip.</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes, I've seen her.... <i>Pretty, too</i>," I hinted.</p> + +<p>But he put, if he heard, her prettiness aside. He chuckled again.</p> + +<p>"I went last Sunday to the Zoo, you know," he said. "They were +spending the week-end in town—my folks. And I saw her there. Or +rather, I didn't see her at first, it was Mumsie who saw her. 'I think +there's somebody you know,' she says to me, and I looked, and there +she was, bowing to me. Then up came pater—he'd dropped behind +somewhere—and blest if he didn't know her aunt—she lives with her +aunt—they have rooms in Woburn Place. So we all went round +together.... I started the fun by saying how like old Weston the +secretary bird was; so we went round looking for likenesses—raked up +everybody we knew——" He stopped, suddenly.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<p>He wouldn't, had he been a year or two older, have pulled himself up +quite so sharply. It is true he didn't go so far as to colour, +stammer, or bite his lip; but his meaning, or his inadvertence, or +whatever you like to call it, could hardly have been plainer had he +done all these things. An anecdote was related to me not so very long +ago by an agent I employ to advise me in my picture-buying. It was of +the most sardonic of our caricaturists, and this merciless artist had +(so the story ran) refused to caricature a certain person, giving as +his reason that, while a vain or over-praised or too consciously +handsome face was fair game for his ironic pencil, a face already +heavily visited by nature went free. But for Archie Merridew's sudden +embarrassed check I might have imagined that <i>my</i> own visage might +have gone free also. It is, after all, not repellent. I bear quite a +strong resemblance to at least one public man whose photographs appear +in the illustrated papers—a distinguished scientist. My stature is +the most striking thing about me, and if your humour takes that turn +you can find remote suggestions of any number of people at the Zoo.</p> + +<p>I made, however, no sign, and he, judging his clumsiness to have +passed unnoticed, went on:</p> + +<p>"Funny the pater knowing her aunt like that, wasn't it? Rather fun +though. Mumsie said she must come down to Guildford for a few days +and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> stay with us; if she does I shall go home that week-end—you +bet!"</p> + +<p>My answer gave me no pain. It came, I think, out of just such an +automatic reflex as causes an "opening" in conversation to call forth +its own obvious reply. It would have been more marked not to say it +than to say it, and as I am telling you, in my state of still tension +it didn't hurt.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" I said. "And when does one congratulate you?"</p> + +<p>"What d'you mean?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Why, on your engagement."</p> + +<p>Instantly I knew I had said the right thing. There was nothing either +false or forced about the little exclamation he made, half scoff, half +laugh. His face was clear as crystal. By "fun" he meant, simply, mere +physiological laughter, the bubbling-up of the high spirits of his +years. Human resemblances at the Zoo are quite enough to call up this +purely functional giggling. She was "fun" (the odds were a thousand to +one) as his sister might have been fun; with a certain freshness and +sense of discovery perhaps, but otherwise not very differently. In +spite of the sequel, I still think I am right in making this +statement.</p> + +<p>"Don't be an idiot!" he said.... "I say, Jeff, I couldn't quite make +out that about indexing and cross-references to-night. Did he mean +that the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> cross-references are a sort of double entry for when the +subjects overlap, or what?"</p> + +<p>But there was still something I wished to verify.</p> + +<p>"Who?" I asked. "The—secretary bird?"</p> + +<p>This time I think he did colour faintly, but as he had swung his legs +down from the fireplace and was reaching for my notebook again I could +not be quite sure.</p> + +<p>"Pass me the book," I said.</p> + +<p>For the next quarter of an hour I gave him as collected and lucid an +explanation of his difficulties as if I had had no other care in the +world. Then I lifted myself up. I buttoned my coat, put the notebook +into my pocket, and briefly recapitulated what I had told him.</p> + +<p>"Thanks, awfully," he said gratefully, when I had finished. "You are a +brick. <i>You</i> ought to give the lectures instead of old Weston. I'm +sure if I pass this exam it will be all you. Must you go?"</p> + +<p>"Must."</p> + +<p>"Well—so long—I think I'll make a few notes myself before I forget +again."</p> + +<p>And, still master of myself, I left him arranging papers and feeling +in his inkstand for a pen.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>IV</h3> + +<p>I do not know but what I might still have retained control of myself +when I got out into the street again; I do not know, because I didn't +try. Instead, no sooner had I got away from him than I went +temporarily all to pieces. I remember I passed up Charlotte Street and +turned into Mecklenburgh Square; and there I leaned against the +railings of the garden that occupies the middle of the Square. I stood +with my shoulder against them, looking stupidly down at my feet. There +was a thin and melancholy mist; the lights of the boarding-houses and +nursing-homes of the east side of the Square struggled through it with +difficulty, and presently I found that my foot was playing absently +with a few sodden plane-tree leaves that had drifted against the kerb.</p> + +<p>Slowly, as I stood there, my stupidity gave place to a dull anger. I +don't think it was anger against anybody in particular; it was as +objectless as it was useless and exhausting. But if you have had that +gall in your mouth that makes all the world taste bitter, you will +understand my miserable rage. This changed presently to a shivering, +weeping rage<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> The wide portalled door of a house opposite opened, and +a servant-girl came down the shallow steps to post a letter; I daresay +she supposed I was unwell or a drunkard; and a passer-by might have +concluded that I had an assignation with her, or had just had a +quarrel.</p> + +<p>Then, when I had had a little ease of my anger, I pulled myself +together and banished it again. Now that I had come, tardily enough, +out of my fool's paradise of the past weeks, I had other things than +purposeless anger to think of. I moved away from the railings; the +maid, returning from the posting of her letter, quickened her steps to +avoid me; and I walked slowly northeastward through the Square.</p> + +<p>Quickly I became calmer still. Soon I was calm enough to recognise +that I needed this. "What," I said ironically to myself, +thunder-struck at a thing so very surprising! "Did you think that +because your head was in the clouds ... come, come, you'd better look +at the thing; you mayn't have any too much time, you know; if I were +you I'd take a walk and think it out."</p> + +<p>I turned into Grays Inn Road, and began to take my own advice.</p> + +<p>While I had no reason to suppose that she had fallen in love with him, +I knew almost for a certainty that he had not with her. He was not at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> +that stage yet. Already he was nibbling at other pleasures, and with a +youngster of his kind one or two nibbles mean three or four. They may +even mean ten or twelve. So far so good. I was still in time. I was, +in fact, so far beforehand that, of the three of us, I was probably +the only one who knew, not what had happened (which was nothing) but +what might happen—which was everything. That I took for the +starting-point of my consideration.</p> + +<p>And I saw that that, at the outset, was an enormous advantage to me. +Not only could I watch events, but I could watch them to infinitely +better purpose that I knew what to look for. They, when it came—the +"it" I had in my mind—(I ought rather to say did I suffer it to come) +would not, in the bewildering wonder of it, know what had overtaken +them; while I, by a timely use of care and skill, might even turn to +advantage those disadvantages of mine which, huge as a church, might +have been deemed to outweigh everything else. No more perfect cover +for hidden motion could have been devised than I already possessed. +Who suspects, of anything, one whom to suspect would on the face of it +be absurd? I could, did I find this necessary, use practically the +whole of my conspicuous life and narrow circumstances as a screen.</p> + +<p>I reached the top of Gray's Inn Road, crossed to St Pancras Station, +and, following the line of coal<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> merchants' offices on the left side +of the road, plunged into the shadows of the Somers Town arches. It +was there that I thought of another thing that I must interrupt my +meditation to acquaint you with.</p> + +<p>You may have wondered why, if all young Merridew said about my brains +was true, I had still, after some years as an agency clerk at Rixon +Tebb & Masters', not been able to get away from the place. Well, the +answer to that is involved in a hundred other things that have ended, +after fifteen years, in my now being able to write this chapter of my +personal history at a great square mahogany and leather writing-table, +with two softly-shaded electric standards upon it, and, containing it, +a lofty panelled study, rich and quiet, with a carpet soft as thymy +turf and my pictures and carvings and cabinets mirrored in +floor-borders, brown and deep as the pools of my Irish trout stream. +You do not want the whole of that long story. I will tell you as much +as is necessary here. The rest I may tell at some other time.</p> + +<p>The truth was that I <i>had</i> left Rixon Tebb & Masters'—had left the +place, and had achieved the seeming miracle of being permitted to +return. Such a marvel was without precedent, and I cannot say that it +had been accomplished altogether by my own contrivance. I said a +little while ago that there<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> were eight of us, had over in a lump from +the agency; I also said that only by way of the junior clerkship was +any advancement possible from that slavery of addressing envelopes +that might have been for company circularisation or might have been +sent over in shiploads to the Flushing and Middleburg book-makers for +all we knew; and I had had the signal luck—I forgot this when I said +that luck had always passed me by on the other side—to present myself +for reappointment, without any hope whatever of getting it, at the +very moment when Polwhele had succeeded to this post.</p> + +<p>How Polwhele had chanced to be occupied as he had been occupied when I +had presented myself I understand only too well. Sneaking, prying, +slandering, peaching—you didn't become Rixon Tebb & Masters' junior +clerk without having been through the mill of all this and more. Poor +worm, he had got so used to it that he couldn't help it. Having +attained to the junior clerkship, he was going to work up through the +seniors by the same means, I suppose, and the means he had been making +use of, at the moment of my coming upon him, had been the furtive +rummaging of a waste-paper basket that had come—I knew this by the +pattern of it—from Mr Masters' private office.</p> + +<p>It had been, of course, the perfect opportunity for me, who was +subdued to sneaking and peaching<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> also. I had leaned my elbow on the +brass rail of a tall desk and stood looking down on him—such a long +way down it seemed—he was on his knees.</p> + +<p>"Hallo, Polwhele!" I had suddenly said. "Going to put Samson Evitt out +of business?" And then I waited to see how he took it.</p> + +<p>I don't suppose you've ever heard of Samson Evitt. He has been a +solicitor; at that time he described himself as a waste-paper dealer; +and what he really did, and for all I know does still, was to buy up, +through a hundred miserable agents, and on the chance of coming upon +some private letter or secret draft, the contents of such receptacles +as Polwhele's fingers had been deep in at that moment.</p> + +<p>"Going to start in Samson's line, are you, Polwhele?"</p> + +<p>The colour of his face had changed as swiftly as that of the electric +advertisement opposite my bedroom at King's Cross. He had gone as +white as chalk. I had known perfectly well that he wasn't going to +sell anything to Samson Evitt, but was merely playing his own hand +with the firm; but he'd had no business at all with Mr Masters' +waste-paper basket, and knew it. It had been rather horrible, but I +had known I was as good as reinstated already.</p> + +<p>"I'm coming back, Polwhele," I had said.</p> + +<p>He had not spoken—only looked at me with eyes full of terror.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You're going to see that I come back, Polwhele," I had informed him.</p> + +<p>"My God, Jeffries, you wouldn't have the heart."</p> + +<p>"Oh no—not as long as I come back."</p> + +<p>Then swiftly he had seen his years of shifts and meannesses all wasted +unless....</p> + +<p>"Oh my God! How can I do it?" he had groaned.</p> + +<p>"I don't know, Polwhele."</p> + +<p>I did not know, nor do I know now how he did it. Men do impossible +things when they've got to. That had been on a Friday evening, at a +quarter to seven (the zeal of a new junior clerk always kept him after +the others had gone). I had given him Monday in which to see to it. On +the Tuesday morning, at nine o'clock, I had been back at my envelope +addressing again. These things have to be done sometimes. And I need +hardly add that now Polwhele would have turned up at my funeral with a +smile on his lips and a nosegay in his buttonhole.</p> + +<p>Of the period between my leaving Rixon Tebb & Masters' and my return +thither I will not speak. You may guess at the nature of its +experiences from the fact that I was thankful to get back to my lists +and addresses again.</p> + +<p>It would have surprised my fellow-clerks, who saw in me one as +listless as themselves, to learn with what unresting energy I had +worked since then.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> I had resolved that my next leap from that +frying-pan should not be into the fire, and the means by which I was +making sure of this was the Business College in Holborn. I knew my +great natural gifts and the power that smouldered within me, but I had +also learned, and in a school where the lessons were well driven home, +that power and natural gifts were, for a man in my position, +practically worthless unless they were supplemented and guaranteed. I +had got to get myself certificated.</p> + +<p>I don't know what certificates have come to mean nowadays, sometimes, +I fear, very little. They seem to me to have lowered the standard with +the utmost recklessness. I would not, in my own business, give a pound +a dozen for some of these artificially achieved successes that are +offered to me almost every day in the week, and it causes me no +surprise whatever when I see the highly certificated also +unemployed.... But it was rather different then. Once more I have +forgotten my luck and railed at the goddess. It was my luck to be +certificated while certificates still had a value, and for a year and +a half I had drifted through my occupation by day but worked with an +almost demoniac energy by night in order that I might not miss a +single one of these tickets of authenticity that it was possible for +me to obtain. A First Honours in Method would now complete my +equipment.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<p>And, looking back now, I wonder how much superstition there was in it +that I wanted all the changes I was planning to come at once. For I +meant that the break, when it did come, should be clean and final. As +long as I remained with Rixon Tebb & Masters' my wretched single room +at King's Cross was quite good enough for an agency clerk; when I left +Rixon Tebb & Masters' I would leave those quarters also. Until then, I +don't think you could have dragged me out, so strongly had I this +feeling. Superstition or what you like, it had, for me, the force of a +large and wise, if not yet fully worked out strategy. They tried, of +course, at the Business College in Holborn, just as they are now +trying at the new place in Kingsway, to teach us this larger +generalship of waiting, withholding, massing, concentration, and then +the swift development and advance; but I don't think it was much good. +You don't get these things in return for so many guineas a year in +fees. But I felt their stirrings then.... I hope I have made it plain +that neither at the place in Kingsway, nor in my sordid lodgings over +the public-house, nor under the arches of Somers Town that night, was +I wasting my time.</p> + +<p>And now, like a match to all that I had prepared and was preparing, +had come the kindling thought of Evie Soames.</p> + +<p>I remember I walked to Hampstead that night,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> revolving it all. +Walking always steadies me, and by the time I had reached the Lower +Heath the mechanical calculators at the new place in Kingsway do not +work more coldly and mathematically than my brain had begun to work. +The advantages I possessed, which had been the first thing to rush +into my head, I allowed for the present to take care of themselves; I +now envisaged my disadvantages.</p> + +<p>You may imagine that these were terrifying.... I counted them, and was +unable to check my groans when, thinking I had come to the end of +them, yet another sprang up, stabbing me as it were from behind. They +might almost have been veritable assassins, springing out from behind +the dark bushes and copses near the Vale of Health among which I +wandered.... Think of them! Think of them!</p> + +<p>They, he and she, were of an age, or nearly; I seven years the senior +of the elder of them. They met on three days a week at the college, +met doubtless to snigger together over their "fun," only on three +evenings could I see her. Her people apparently knew his; she would go +down to Guildford, and my fancy might picture them, together there, +taking walks, telling stories over the fire, laughing at chance +resemblances at the Zoo. And all this time I should not cease for a +moment to labour at that garden of my ambition above the brown mould +of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> which not a green shoot yet showed. How (you must remember I was +desperately facing the worst that could happen and not the best)—how +could they help but fall in love? What would it be possible for me to +do but to discover the thing after it had happened? And when it had +happened, what was there then to be done?</p> + +<p>But I need not force all this upon you. You will see for yourself. +Look at it, then, and tell me where you would have conceived the odds +to lie—with my possibly large-planning but certainly slow-executing +brain, or with them and their opportunities and luck and gifts of +circumstance and nature, demolishable singly perhaps, but well-nigh +invincible in the sum of them?</p> + +<p>I weighed it as I strayed and stubbled about the benighted Heath.</p> + +<p>I returned from Hampstead at three o'clock in the morning. My horror +of red and green had long since been switched off, and I got into bed +during the only quiet interval that noisy and populous corner ever +knew. I had now balanced advantages and disadvantages together, and +was recapitulating the whole. Examining, setting aside, bringing +forward again to re-examine in other aspects, setting aside again, +checking, dismissing, estimating—my brain worked like a ticking +instrument. Clocks struck, but still I pondered; and I was as free +from anger<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> now as if it had been another, not I, who had sought the +support of the railings in Mecklenburgh Square.</p> + +<p>And there dominated all my machination the single thought, that by no +slip or carelessness or overlooked detail must they be made aware +that I was watching them as a masked thief watches the uneasy sleeper +upon the bed.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>V</h3> + +<p>It was at Rixon Tebb & Masters' that I first began to know jealousy, +or at least the image of it. I find I must say a little more about +this place in which I spent my days at that time.</p> + +<p>I have said that Polwhele hated me; but nobody loved anybody else at +Rixon Tebb & Masters'. I have worked in offices that have been not bad +fun at all; offices where the fellows formed a sort of family, as they +did afterwards at the Freight & Ballast Company, with something not +unlike the family bond, the family jokes, and an interchange each +morning of the adventures of the night before not unlike the exchange +of items of news from letters about a family breakfast-table; but +there was nothing like that at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. There, one of us +could scarcely glance up over the little brass rail at his desk-head +without seeing, across the spaces where the green porcelain cones of +the incandescents hung, another furtive pair of eyes meeting his own +and looking almost guiltily away again. If the partners despised us +for our cringing before them they were right; we were a despicable +set. I don't think a friendship was ever struck up in the place. We +hated, if for no other reason, than because each<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> of us knew his +neighbour to be as contemptible as he knew himself to be.</p> + +<p>It was in this atmosphere that I wrapped myself about with the thought +of Evie Soames. My routine work taxed my attention little; I could do +it as well as it needed to be done and live a whole free inner life at +the same time; and I was sometimes actually startled when, looking up +after some lapse and interim in which I had seen nothing but the shape +of Evie's birch-like neck and the brilliant motion of her eyes, I saw +the crafty gaze of a fellow-clerk on my face. Once I met Sutt's eyes +in this way; I knew his thought, namely, that he surmised the nature +of mine; and he smiled, a mean sort of smile. He didn't smile twice, +though, while I was there. I don't mean that I said or did anything, +but I think he knew what my look meant.... All the same there got +about the office—or rather about the corners and lavatories and +behind screens, for it never came nearer to me than that—the only +joke I remember ever to have been born there—the joke that Jeffries +had all the appearance of a man in love. I took the hint. +Thenceforward, as far as I might, I did not allow the faintest flicker +of an emotion to cross my face. And more than ever was I on my guard +lest I should do so in a place where it would have mattered more than +it did at Rixon Tebb & Masters'.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then, long before I knew of any valid grounds for them, and before a +brain less prospectively active than mine would as much as dreamed of +them, came these jealousies. Perhaps, like my occasional angers and +like that secret fragrant flame of my love, they were emotions at +large, unattached to any person but bound sooner or later to become so +attached, and already seeking a quarter in which to alight.</p> + +<p>They wrung my heart. Hot flushes and rages sometimes came upon me +with no warning whatever. Sometimes in the middle of a column of +figures or a twelve-inch-high stack of addresses, a devil would slyly +lift its head—the thought that while I sat there polishing my +trousers on a tall stool and the wrist of my sleeve on my desk, he +and my Evie were—where?... I have in a remarkable degree that most +precious and most hideous of gifts, the gift of mental visualisation, +at these times it would have its way with me. I would see them in +those moments where I would and engaged how I would. Well nigh as +clearly as I see the page before me, I would see him, long boyish +head and fair curly hair, red waistcoat and cigarette, and turned-up +trousers and all, now making pretexts that something was wrong with +her typewriter, now carrying a specimen ledger for her, now choosing +for himself a place from which he could watch her, or even passing on +to her the explanations<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> of knots and difficulties he had had the +previous evening from myself. My fancy (my reason at these times its +helpless slave) would dog them—past the general room into the +lecture-room—thence to the back room where the charts and apparatus +were kept—thence back again through the lecture room into the +shorthand and typewriting and senior class rooms, and so throughout +every corner behind our three Holborn bow windows. There were times +when I used all my powers of concentration to see one of them without +the other, and failed.... And then the fit would pass and my steady +reason would reassert itself. I would tell myself I was a fool to +thrust knives into myself thus. She was merely that touchingly +opening fair young tree; and as for him, if his young male +swaggerings in the pride of his twenty-two years included any +knowledge of girls at all, they were probably girls of a very +different class from hers.</p> + +<p>Then would come the other damnable series again, and the sweat would +stand on my brow.</p> + +<p>No wonder Sutt looked.</p> + +<p>Yet I am not sure that, for the sake of certain purely heavenly hours, +I would not go through it all again. Would you suppose that in that +five-shilling room of mine, where I had to flatten myself against the +wall before I could take my clothes off<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> unseen—or as I dined on +sausage and mashed at my reeking "pull-up"—or as I roamed the +pavements in search of the physical exhaustion that should bring +sleep—would you suppose that in these places and living this life I +could have heavenly hours? Ah, but I could, and had!... I don't want +you to think I am sentimentalising about it. The public-house +downstairs had knocked a good many ideas about the sanctity of our +common humanity out of my head. I never, in my fourpenny dining-place, +looked at the drayman or porter at the next table and wondered whether +he also knew the heights and abysses I knew. Doubtless he had or had +had his own, but all is <i>not</i> comparative. There <i>are</i> grades in +heaven and hell. I knew I stood out, exceptional, destined, marked for +signal honour or for signal dishonour. I had no desire to persuade +anybody else of this. These things are beyond proof. Attempt to prove +them and you but prove their opposites.</p> + +<p>And so literally was this slender dark creature "my life," that often +at the college itself my resolution all but failed me. More (but not +much more) woman than child, she seemed at these times—what shall I +say?—not a wonder shrunk, but a receptacle strangely slight and +tender for the mighty things preparing for her. At such moments I +found myself looking years ahead—seeing many things over and behind +us, and myself, perhaps, turning my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> power elsewhere. And that moved +me more than all the rest. For my strength was ever being used for +her. Service of her was the law of it, as I now knew it had been its +origin. I sometimes had ado not to sob, when watching her young head +bent over the page of a text-book, images of great and brooding +protection of enfolding and strong and jealous wakefulness, filled my +breast as I looked. I felt in those moments that for every hair of her +head I could have killed a man and felt no compunction afterwards.</p> + +<p>Evie caused me far more anxiety than Archie did. At all times Archie's +vanities, quite as amusing to watch as those of any young girl, would +blind him to much that lay an inch or two beyond the end of his nose. +He was, moreover, deep in his examination work, and I had no doubt +that, once the examinations were over, he would indulge himself in a +mild little "burst" and flatter his seraphic self he was rather a +devil in his way. But she was more difficult. For one thing, hers was +a richer nature. She had, or would presently have, far more to give; +and already I saw that, as surely as Miss Windus was one of Life's +takers, Evie Soames was one of Life's givers.</p> + +<p>I watched—how I watched!—for the slightest of her unconscious +betrayals; and, of course, by dint of watching I was able to find a +thousand that presently vanished again. I drew trifling tremendous +conclusions<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> from the merest nothings. She could not make a gawky, +captivating little movement but I would found something upon it, not a +pretty coltish gesture but I had my inference to draw. The smile, +perhaps, where lately the laugh would have been—the little check of +recollection, even as she was perching herself with a tomboyish swing +on the edge of a table, that she "was grown-up now"—slight little +ceremoniousnesses, stilted little phrases and momentary forgettings +again—I missed not one of these. My lovely, lovely flapper! Did you +know that you were twenty different creatures in a week, each beyond +words adorable until another swelling nodule yielded and allowed a +peep of a yet inner tender and rosy heart?</p> + +<p>Of course I see now that I was far too clever in all this. I had, in +fact, taken the course that was least of all likely to tell me what I +wanted to know. For, as a face seen daily shows no change and yet +grows relentlessly older, so, because of my watching, she changed +under my eyes and my eyes did not tell me she had changed. I have had +in my time various things to say about "woman's intuition." I, like +the rest of us, have set half of it down as guessing and the other +half (the half that events falsify) as a convenient forgetfulness. +Well, I hope I make amends when I admit now that in all this I owed my +final enlightenment to a woman, and to the woman<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> to whom I would +least of all have been indebted—to Miss Windus.</p> + +<p>It was on a Friday evening that this enlightenment came to me. Fridays +were ever a pain to me, because of the three whole days that must +elapse—five if she failed to appear on the Monday evening—before I +could see Evie again. Believe me, the last minutes of those Friday +evenings always cost me dearly in emotion; and in order that I might +make the most of them I had some time before discontinued a former +habit of mine—that of working in the senior students' classroom. By +so doing I had forestalled any remarks on the fact that I was +frequently to be found in the same room as Evie. And even then I knew +I was lucky to escape Miss Levey's Hebrew intensiveness.</p> + +<p>But on that Friday night I was restless. An absurd trifle had +unsettled me (but I have told you how much such trifles meant to +me)—nothing more than an alteration in Evie's way of arranging her +hair. Until then it had been drawn back and massed in a thick little +clump on her nape, showing beautifully the small round of her head; +but now she had parted it (I did not think altogether more becomingly) +in the middle, and had evidently been making desperate attempts to +"wave" it. Certainly the change gave her at once a more adult air, +which I supposed I should get used to, unless, as was likely,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> she +changed it again in the following week. Her blouse also was new. It +had a high lace collar up to her ears, and I didn't like it in the +least. It was mere concealment, without concealment's charm.</p> + +<p>I was restless. I had begun the evening by working, for once, in the +senior classroom again; but presently, not happy where I was and not +wishing to go straightway into the lecture-room where Evie sat, I had +compromised by packing up my things and going into the room adjoining +hers—the general room. The reference books were kept in the general +room, and, presently, having need of one of these, I had crossed to +the shelf and taken it down.</p> + +<p>I ought to explain that these books were kept in three projecting +bays, such as one sees in libraries, that stood out at right angles +from the wall. Thus the books of each projecting wing faced both ways +and between the bays there was just room enough for the short library +ladder of three or four steps with the vertical staff to steady +yourself by as you stood on it. As I could easily reach any book there +without the ladder, I had passed the bay that contained it, and had +taken up my place on the farther side of the wing nearest the window, +where I stood with the open book in my hand. I forget what the book +was.</p> + +<p>As I stood I heard Miss Windus and Miss Causton come into the +adjoining compartment.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> + +<p>I had no great interest in either of these women—I may say none, +since I could not see Miss Causton's fluent hand; so, merely noting +their arrival, I was continuing my reading when suddenly I heard the +name of Evie Soames. It was Miss Windus who was speaking.</p> + +<p>"... Oh, I suppose so; in her way, of course—if that's all men want!" +she was saying. "Don't you think?" This with a little acidulous rising +inflection.</p> + +<p>Then I heard Miss Causton's indolent voice in reply. From the way in +which she spoke I fancied she was eating sweets. It had lately struck +me that she ate more sweets than both the other girls together, and if +it wasn't sweets it was something else.</p> + +<p>"Don't ask <i>me</i>, my dear," she drawled. "<i>I</i> don't know what the +creatures want."</p> + +<p>"Of course not. They do seem to want such—odd—things. The way I'm +looked at sometimes—I declare it makes me feel perfectly ashamed!" +said Miss Windus. Why she said it I don't know. It was the purest +hypocrisy, and it was not likely to impose on Miss Causton, who had a +nonchalant, still humour of her own.... But on second thoughts I don't +know. I was not always sure, afterwards, when I got to know Miss +Windus better, that she didn't really labour under some such delusion +as this.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Do they?" Miss Causton asked lazily. "They don't worry me much. So +long ago since I've seen one that I've nearly forgotten."</p> + +<p>There was a short pause, then:</p> + +<p>"Really, they stare so," Miss Windus continued, "look one so out of +countenance—one really doesn't know which way to turn!"</p> + +<p>"No?" came Miss Causton's ironical dawdle. "Oh ... with a chance, my +dear ... <i>I</i> should!" ... I suppose she smiled as she said it. While +appearing to lay herself perfectly open she had far more to hide than +Miss Windus had.</p> + +<p>Miss Windus was shocked.</p> + +<p>"You <i>dreadful</i> girl!... But really Louie, you must have noticed it. +Why, you can see it the moment she comes into the room!"</p> + +<p>"Really?" came the other detached voice. "How quaint!... Who do you +think she's after? Not the Baboon?..."</p> + +<p>I imagined the chuckle I didn't hear. I took it that the Baboon was +myself.</p> + +<p>"Mandrill, my dear," Miss Windus corrected. "You really must take a +memory powder!..."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I call it baboon," Miss Causton remarked with indifference. Then +she laughed.... "How ridiculous you are! He's as big as a man ought to +be anyway——"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh, quite!"</p> + +<p>"——and I declare you can look at him till he's quite good-looking!"</p> + +<p>"Oh!..." (I could almost see Miss Windus' quizzical eyes.)</p> + +<p>"Really, you are absurd!..."</p> + +<p>There was another short silence.</p> + +<p>"And by the way," Miss Windus next said, "<i>he's</i> been +rather—different somehow—lately, don't you think?"</p> + +<p>Sweets crunched for a moment, then:</p> + +<p>"Different?... Do you mean <i>he's</i> been looking at you in +that—ahem!—dreadful way?"</p> + +<p>"What, <i>that</i> creature!..."</p> + +<p>"Beg yours, dear——"</p> + +<p>"<i>I</i> should think so!... But I fancied he'd been somehow—not quite +the same——"</p> + +<p>"Well, anything for a change, as the song says. Myself, if I found I +couldn't get along without 'em, I should prefer——"</p> + +<p>But a "Sssh!" interrupted Miss Causton. Somebody had come into the +farther bay, and the rest for a time was whispering.</p> + +<p>When next the conversation became audible its tenor did not seem to +have changed.</p> + +<p>"Scented soap in a little celluloid box, too!" Miss Windus admired.</p> + +<p>"One must keep oneself clean," Miss Causton<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> threw off. "Have some of +this, dear. I simply had to have some chocolate nougat to-night!..."</p> + +<p>There was a rustling of tissue paper.</p> + +<p>"Well, it's a sign, and so's her hair-waving and polishing her nails +and that lace yoke," Miss Windus resumed.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes, the pneumonia blouse——"</p> + +<p>"<i>And</i> her heels—<i>and</i> a scent-sachet!..."</p> + +<p>You see that I was quite deliberately listening. I am not putting on +any airs about it. I might have been Polwhele. I wanted to know, so I +listened. I did more than listen too. I watched. I knew that the +shelves were only half full on the other side; only a screen of stout +wire separated the books facing one way from those facing the other; +and by pulling out a book or two on my side I should probably find a +peephole.... Very softly I pulled three or four out, found my opening +and looked. Miss Causton appeared to be standing with her back towards +me; I couldn't see her; but I could see Miss Windus, sitting on the +library ladder holding its short staff, with her plaid skirt pulled +tightly about one carrot-shaped thigh.</p> + +<p>They began to talk again.</p> + +<p>"And another thing that makes me <i>quite</i> sure, dear! She's going to +young Merridew's next week-end!"</p> + +<p>"Oh!..."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Don't be absurd. You know what I mean. To his parents', of course; +they live in Guildford.... Not that <i>she</i> told me, oh no! Not her +ladyship!"</p> + +<p>"Who did, then?"</p> + +<p>"Not her, though I gave her <i>every</i> chance! Six months ago she'd have +told me like a shot, but we're getting so blessed artful these +days!... He told me."</p> + +<p>"Then it doesn't look as if it <i>was</i> the Baboon?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I daresay she'll leave you your Baboon if you want him."</p> + +<p>"Thanks. I think I should know which way to turn in <i>that</i> case," Miss +Causton replied evenly. "Coming?"</p> + +<p>And they left the bay together.</p> + +<p>It was by this admirable piece of Rixon Tebb & Masters' work that I +learned what, it appeared, I had been watching too closely to see.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>VI</h3> + +<p>I had intended in any case to spend the remainder of that evening with +Archie Merridew. Mingled with my restlessness there had been a +tremulous sensitiveness that had culminated half-an-hour before in a +fit of satanic pride. Lately (I had decided) it had come to be taken +rather too much as a matter of course that our frequent adjournments +after the evening class should be always to his quarters and never, or +hardly ever, to mine. I had quite enough to bear without further +gratuitous rubs of that kind, and I had resolved that I would make +myself his host that evening though he had lived in a mansion and I in +a sty.</p> + +<p>But after what I had so altogether discreditably overheard now I had +fifty other reasons for wishing him to come along with me. Almost +every sentence that had been spoken on the other side of that bay of +books had contained a reason. But I realised that before I could trust +myself to face him I must swallow the anger that crowded thickly into +my throat. There was nothing to gain and everything to lose by letting +him see my rage. So I walked back into the empty senior classroom, +there to remain until I should have got the worst of it over.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<p>By half-past nine I had got myself in hand. I gathered my work +together. Students were coming to the row of washbowls in the small +compartment at the end of the senior classroom to wash their hands, +and Evie gave me the smile that was to be my nourishment for three +whole days as she passed with her towel and the cake of soap in the +new celluloid box. Archie had been working all the evening in the +typewriting-room; now was my chance, before he could make (supposing +him to want to make) any appointment with her, to secure this myself, +and I hurried for my hat and coat and sought him.</p> + +<p>"Ready?" I said.</p> + +<p>"Right-oh; just a minute," he replied. "I told 'em to keep my fire +in—I'm going to swot like blazes to-night."</p> + +<p>"Oh no—you're coming along with me this time," I laughed. "I shall be +ashamed to show my face at your place much oftener ... unless," I +added lest he should shake me off, "you love me merely for what I +have——"</p> + +<p>He laughed too. He was at the young and squab-like stage that takes a +pride in scorning appearances, and even finds the heart more rather +than less honest when the waistcoat over it is shabby. He accepted +with quite a good grace, got his hat and coat, and we went out +together, I giving Miss Windus an unimpeachable<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> "Good-night" as I +passed her, hardly a yard from the spot where I had peeped on her less +than an hour before.</p> + +<p>The electrograph opposite my abode was an advertisement of "<i>Sarcey's +Fluid</i>," some sort of a disinfectant; and as we approached it Archie +looked up.</p> + +<p>"Phew!... Needs it rather, to-night, doesn't it?" he laughed.</p> + +<p>It did not seem to me to "need it" quite so badly that evening as it +had on some other evenings—warm summer evenings, for example—I had +known. December had come in rawly, and the chestnut stoves and +baked-potato engine were out. The poorer streets have no pleasanter +smell than that of baked potatoes, broken up, sprinkled with salt from +the big tin caster, and closed together again like a South Sea face +with a mealy smiling mouth, and I had slipped a couple of these into +my pocket for our supper. I suppose Archie meant the fried fish papers +in the gutters and (as we entered by my side door) the acrid smell of +the public-house; but it was part of my fiendish pride to rub those +things in a little that evening, and I made light of them as we +mounted the stairs.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you're pampered, Master Archie," said I. "I had thought of asking +you round to supper next Saturday evening—not to-morrow, a week +to-morrow—but I think I shall save my hospitality."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> + +<p>You see what I was already angling for. Well, I caught my fish. Of +course he couldn't take Evie down to his folks at Guildford without my +knowing of it, but I wanted to see the fashion in which he would make +his avowal. We had left the carpeted corner of the stairs that the +great ornamental public-house lamp illuminated brightly and were +standing on the bare landing outside my room. He answered without an +instant's hesitation.</p> + +<p>"Afraid you'll have to, Jeff—twice over," he replied. "I've got to go +down home that week-end; beastly nuisance! I was going with some +fellows over to Richmond—stag-party; but the mater writes that she's +asked Miss Soames, so I suppose I shall have to be there to help +out—confound it!"</p> + +<p>I opened my door and let him into the red and green.</p> + +<p>"Oh?" I remarked casually. "Nice change for you. You'll be all the +fitter for the exams. Don't tell <i>me</i> about your stag-parties though. +I know 'em; you'd take jolly good care not to pick the place with the +plainest waitresses for tea, what? <i>I</i> know you!... But if I were you +I'd go steady for a week or two, my boy, that Method paper'll be +harder than you think, I warn you!"</p> + +<p>"I'm watching it!" he replied cheerfully. "By Jove! Jeff, I'd +forgotten what a noisy pitch this of yours is! What on earth makes you +stay here?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh, I don't know," I replied carelessly, applying a match to the wick +of my lamp and replacing the chimney. "As I say, you're pampered. The +place is all right. I don't do much except sleep here. It's a bit +cold, though. I'd keep my coat on if I were you——"</p> + +<p>"Wouldn't be much sleep for me here," he remarked, sitting on the edge +of my bed. "I should want a good stiff drink before I slept much in +this racket!"</p> + +<p>As I placed the lamp globe on its brass ring I glanced covertly at +him. It was a green interval, and his face looked as if he stood by a +chemist's window near the big pear-shaped green globe, while his +waistcoat was turned to a black purple, with one brass button gleaming +green as a cat's eye. Then the red came again, and the lamp flame +crept up. I went to the little cupboard where I kept my few cups and +saucers and plates. I filled my kettle at the tap on the landing, put +it on the half-crown oil-stove, and began to prepare our feast.</p> + +<p>In a quarter of an hour it was ready—tea, the baked potatoes, and a +wedge of butter apiece. We ate it, he sitting on my bed, I in my +sagging and string-mended old wicker chair. I saw quite plainly that +already he wanted to be off, and would stay no longer than the barest +decency demanded; but he had got to eat that pauper's meal before I +let him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> go, and there were my forty-nine other reasons for having got +him up there.</p> + +<p>One of these other reasons had, during the last hour, taken complete +shape in my mind. Its consequences would have been impossible to +foresee, but as far as it yet went, I thought it crafty enough. I +filched another look at him; he was burning the roof of his mouth with +hot potato as he lolled against my bed foot; and I judged it time to +put my plan into execution.</p> + +<p>I pushed my own plate away and sank back into my lifeless old wicker +chair. He had turned his coat collar up by this time. My plan kept me +warm.</p> + +<p>"You're a lucky beggar, you know, Archie," I sighed heavily.</p> + +<p>He had moved, to set down his cup of untasted tea on the floor. He +looked up.</p> + +<p>"How?" he asked.</p> + +<p>I settled myself farther back.</p> + +<p>"How!" I repeated almost vindictively. "Don't you call it lucky having +a house and people and so on?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! Everybody has——" he began, but corrected himself. "I mean, I +thought you meant some special luck!"</p> + +<p>"Oh no—just that," I murmured. "Having a place to ask people down to +when you want—that's all."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<p>He seemed surprised. "Do you mean Miss Soames?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Miss——?" I shook my head absently. "Oh no, I wasn't thinking of +Miss Soames—I was thinking of something quite different."</p> + +<p>He meditated for a moment.</p> + +<p>"You <i>have</i> seemed a bit different lately.... What's up?" he demanded, +looking squarely at me.</p> + +<p>My plan, to which his last words gave a new and unexpected fillip, was +briefly this:</p> + +<p>When, over the case of reference books, I had heard Miss Windus make +the very remark he also had just made—namely, that I had been +"different"—I had had a swift access of alarm. In what particular I +had betrayed myself I didn't know, but I realised very clearly, and +doubly clearly now that the same remark had dropped from Archie +himself, that love and a light cannot be hid, and that if my extreme +former care had not secured me from remark no care I was likely to be +able to take for the future would do so. I had laid myself open, and +should do so again. How was I to cover myself?</p> + +<p>I thought I saw my way. I invite you to consider that way.</p> + +<p>Were I to give it out to Archie—or rather, not so much to give it out +as allow a surmise to dawn on him—that my heart was already +pre-engaged in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> some carefully unspecified quarter or other, not only +would this "difference," both he and Miss Windus had remarked on, be +admitted and accounted for, but I should at one stroke set myself free +from a hundred other trammels of gossip, past, present and to come. +After that avowal nothing I did would be unaccountable. I should have +a definite place in the general sex-understanding. I should be +classed, out of the running, filed and docketed, totally uninteresting +to either Miss Windus or Miss Causton and rid of the attentions of +Miss Levey.</p> + +<p>And I should also—my heart had thrilled suddenly and poignantly as I +thought of this—I should also be admitted at once to privileges. I +should have my share in such freedoms and exemptions as the married +man knows fully and the attached bachelor at least to a probationary +extent. This state of things does by tacit acknowledgment exist. The +man who can say all to one woman can say more than other men to all +women. And the shining immunity I now saw before me would even include +what so far I had had to deny myself—conversation, thus safeguarded, +with Evie herself.</p> + +<p>"By heaven!" my heart now cried within me, "I will do it!"</p> + +<p>And instantly a perfect seething of the cautions and reserves with +which I must do it sprang up in my brain.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<p>But here was Archie patiently waiting for me to speak.</p> + +<p>"What's up? What the dickens are you talking about?" he asked once +more.</p> + +<p>I let my head drop, as a man might who discovers he has said too much. +"Oh, nothing," I replied.</p> + +<p>Archie was just as sharp as—neither more nor less than—I wished him +to be.</p> + +<p>"A lot of fuss about nothing—if it's really nothing," he said +suspiciously.</p> + +<p>The next moment he had looked hard into my face, taken a long breath, +and, suddenly bringing his hand down on his thigh, broken into loud +laughter.</p> + +<p>"By Jove! Jeff—I really believe—let's have a look at you—by Jove! I +really do—<i>I believe you're in love</i>! What a——How ripping, I mean! +Best congratulations, old chap—my turn this time—ha ha ha ha!"</p> + +<p>I drew myself heavily up. The kind of thing I was doing has to be done +rather carefully. "Look here, Archie—" I began, trembling between the +wrath I felt and the not-too-much wrath I must appear to display; but +he interrupted me:</p> + +<p>"Well, that's a knock-out! Who'd have dreamed——"</p> + +<p>"Why not?" I demanded sharply.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I didn't mean that!" he made such haste to say that it was plain +as a pikestaff that he had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> meant precisely "that."</p> + +<p>"I only meant, how surprising—how unexpected. I mean——"</p> + +<p>I frowned. "<i>Should</i> you find it so—if it <i>were</i> so?"</p> + +<p>"Should!" he said, puzzled. "... Isn't it so, Jeff?"</p> + +<p>"No," I replied; but a "No" that so exquisitely contradicted itself +that I gave myself nothing less than admiration for the performance.</p> + +<p>"No?" he echoed. "You're lying, Jeff—you <i>are</i>!" he broke out +triumphantly. "I can tell by the way you say it! So <i>that's</i> it! +Dashed if I didn't think there was something!... Who is she, Jeff?"</p> + +<p>But that, as you may suppose, it was no part of my plan to tell.</p> + +<p>Neither was it part of that plan to enjoin either secrecy or the other +thing upon him. That, I thought grimly, might quite safely be left to +take care of itself. "Mandrill, my dear; you really must take a memory +powder!..." I seemed to hear Miss Windus' voice again over the +bookshelves. Oh yes, if he would give currency to that Zoo nonsense he +could be trusted not to keep the richer joke, of Jeffries in love, to +himself!</p> + +<p>For that he and not Evie had been responsible for this pleasantry at +the expense of my appearance I had concluded by a much sounder +process<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> of observation and reasoning than that my love-lorn state +predisposed me entirely in her favour. My watching, a failure in other +respects, had at least succeeded in this respect. And that I had found +had not been without its barb for me. You may remember my former +pathetic gratitude that, while others singled me out for marked +treatment, she alone had not, in the trifling forms and observances +that are the gracious outside of intercourse as distinct from its +inner truth, differentiated me from the rest of the world. Well, I had +made a guess at the reason for that. It was, in a word, her +upbringing. The aunt with whom she lived in Woburn Place had taught +her to "behave nicely," and so on. I could see that education. Such +maxims as that one must not "judge by appearances," that "handsome is +that handsome does," and, generally speaking, the unexceptional +tradition that the "less fortunately circumstanced" have special +claims on superior gentleness and pity, form almost the whole of it. +I, it appeared, was one of these "less fortunately circumstanced".... +Of course nobody was to blame. By-and-by the amiable aunt would +probably go a little further, and teach her that it is not enough that +these unimpeachable precepts should be merely observed, but that the +thought behind them must be concealed as well. When you treat a poor +devil just as if he was anybody else you must not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> let it be seen that +you do so from perception that he is not.... Anyway, there it was, and +it rather took the shine out of that "good-night, Mr Jeffries" that +had sent me off happy to Archie's rooms on the evening when I had been +so startlingly shaken out of my fool's paradise.</p> + +<p>Thus I was persuaded, and as it turned out quite rightly, that it had +been young Merridew, and not she, who had allowed his tongue this +licence both on Weston's physical characteristics and my own.</p> + +<p>His cup of tea was still on the floor, and by this time was cold. He +hadn't tasted it, and, his renewed congratulations on what he supposed +to be my blissful state of mind over, was once more fidgeting to be +off. But it was quite at my own pleasure whether I released him or +not; I had the hateful advantage of my baked potatoes and my poverty; +and though he was getting colder moment by moment, being less +accustomed to the lack of a fire than I, I did not spare him.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I remarked musingly by-and-by, as if I had been thinking over a +former remark, "I'd take that Method paper quite seriously if I were +you. Save up your little fling till that's over. Stag-parties and work +don't go together, my son."</p> + +<p>He had a little gleam of perspicacity. "What little fling?" he asked. +"Who said I was going to have one?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<p>("Carefully, Jeffries," I cautioned myself.) Aloud I said cheerfully, +"My mistake, Archie—I'm out of the running in these things—I'm +rather a Puritan by necessity, you see. Perhaps I was taking it rather +for granted——"</p> + +<p>He chuckled. "A Puritan by necessity! A Puritan by Miss +Whatever-her-name-is, more like! Do at least tell us if it's anybody +we know, Jeff!"</p> + +<p>But I ignored the latter part of his remark. "Well done, Archie," I +applauded. "I'm glad you see that when a man's got one woman he's no +need for all the others. Stick to that and you're all right."</p> + +<p>And that clinched it. "Well, you've got the pull over me there," he +said.</p> + +<p>I made no reply.</p> + +<p>You need not conclude, unless you wish, that I wanted to start him +straight away to the devil. I couldn't have ensured his arrival at +that destination if I had. But I was prepared to go half way with him +if by so doing I could keep him from getting into paradise by the +means I had reserved for myself. I was doing him no conspicuous harm. +He would have to rub shoulders with the world before long—was already +doing so; and I said no more to him—nay, I said far less—than he +would have picked up for himself in almost any gathering of young men +of his own age that he was likely to find himself among.... So +presently, when after (how<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> shall I put it?)—after having tapped it +home that there <i>was</i> the one woman and also the others, I returned to +the examination in Method again, I was talking as easily as if, his +betrayals to Miss Windus notwithstanding, we had been the best friends +in the world.</p> + +<p>"By the way, that's another thing you're lucky in, my boy," I said. +"The exam's in the daytime. I suppose that doesn't convey anything to +you."</p> + +<p>"How do you mean?"</p> + +<p>"Well, it means something to me. I shall have to get a day off."</p> + +<p>"Well?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>"Well—it doesn't by any means follow that I shall get it."</p> + +<p>He stared. "You don't mean to say they'd be such skunks as not to let +you off for a day!" he exclaimed.</p> + +<p>I laughed. "Perhaps they won't be such skunks," I remarked.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" he cried, outraged. "They <i>couldn't</i>!"</p> + +<p>He was as ignorant about Rixon Tebb & Masters as he was about +everything else in life.</p> + +<p>Presently, with a "Brrr!" and a shiver, he got off my bed.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm off," he said. "I didn't intend to come round, and I'm +going back to swot."</p> + +<p>I heaved myself up from my chair. "Must you?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> Well, wait a +moment—I'll come down with you——"</p> + +<p>Before I turned down my lamp, filling the room with the red and green +again, I noticed his untouched cup of tea on the floor. I made no +remark on it, but as I preceded him down the narrow stairs I found +myself suddenly filled with a curiosity as to whether I guessed +rightly what was passing in his mind. I had made my shot, and was as +interested to know whether it was a true one as if I had had a bet on +it.</p> + +<p>Where the great public-house lamp shone brightly through the landing +window the stairs branched, one flight descending to the side door by +which we had entered and the other leading to the back bar of the +public-house. It was as we reached this bifurcation that I found I had +guessed rightly.</p> + +<p>"I say," he said, "I'm beastly cold! Come this way and have a drink!"</p> + +<p>I shook my head.</p> + +<p>"Not here," I said. "Not on my own premises, so to speak. If you don't +mind my having something thin I'll come over the way with you."</p> + +<p>"Anywhere," he said, with another shiver.</p> + +<p>There was another public-house just beyond the <i>Sarcey's Fluid</i> +advertisement. We crossed and entered it.</p> + +<p>"Rum—hot!" he called familiarly, peering under the frame of pivoted +glass panes and flipping<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> on the counter with a florin to attract the +barmaid's attention. "Come along, Flossie—hurry up!... What's your +poison, Jeff?"</p> + +<p>He had his rum hot; but I drank nothing stronger than peppermint.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>VII</h3> + +<p>His incredible gaucheries apart, I had no reason for hating him. One +does not hate a youngster seven years one's junior merely because he +is a mass of inexperience and self-sufficiency. Once again my hate was +really a hatred of the whole dreary circumstances of my life, and, +when I saw this concentrating stormily over young Merridew's head, I +made attempt after attempt to divert it. I swear to you I made these +attempts. I made them first of all to save him from a contest so +unequal as one with my wrath must be; and if I made them later so that +I myself should not be merely the slave of that wrath, I still made +them. And all the time, as I say, so long as he did not stand in my +way, it was a matter of indifference to me whether he took the upward +path or that which led downhill to perdition.</p> + +<p>Unfortunately I was in love, and no man in love can stand by the rules +that he knows ought to govern his conduct. Those jealousies I have +spoken of as torturing me at Rixon Tebb & Masters' shook me in spite +of myself. When I felt their approach I took care to give young +Merridew a wide berth; and I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> confess that in sometimes letting these +fits have their way with me I found an abominable ease. Away from him, +my heart was filled with rage and revilings; but these very outbreaks +enabled me at other times to meet him with a smile on my lips and a +welcome in my eyes. Once I had got rid of the over-plus of my rage I +could almost have persuaded myself of my affection for him.</p> + +<p>So I alternated, as the red and green of my apartment alternated; and +perhaps the red seemed redder and the green greener by the mere force +of the contrast. I continued to walk home frequently with him after +the class, to share his supper frequently, and to be obliged to him +for my necessary bath.</p> + +<p>I very soon learned that in the matter of my reputed being in love he +had done exactly what I had intended he should do—had whispered the +news about the college. It required no further eavesdropping to tell +me that; I felt it in the altered air. I saw the knowledge peering +through the little scalene triangles of Miss Windus' eyes, saw it in +the looks of sleepy and amused curiosity with which Miss Causton +favoured me. The latter lady, indeed, sometimes positively alarmed me, +for the glances I suffered when I chanced to enter a room in which she +was at work held incalculable things, and I no longer dared to look at +her own amused and supercilious eyes, her fascinating hands, or that +foot beneath the hem of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> her dress, fine and slender as a violin. And +with the least encouragement Miss Windus would, I knew, have sought my +company, and, lacking an admirer of her own, would have eased her +breast to somebody else's of all the things about love at large that +she ached to say to somebody. I wondered, seeing them both, whether +there was no middle way with women. The whole sex seemed to be divided +into creatures (or rather a creature, for I set Evie apart) to be +enskied by men, and the other kind, that a man might fly as he would +fly a wild animal. And I am not sure even now that when these two +things are found in one and the same woman they ever really shake down +together. They seem to go on existing, independently, unreconciled, +side by side.</p> + +<p>But Miss Levey was far worse. She always seemed to me to crave +information, useful or useless, from a mere acquisitiveness; and I may +say now that it was she who, later, first roused in me the uneasy +suspicion that unless I was exceedingly careful I should find that I +had undertaken more than I could well manage. She began all at once to +show quite a liking for my company. She mislaid books in the room +where I sat, got into difficulties with copying presses when I was +about, and glanced up at open or closed windows too high for her +reach, as if she felt a draught or the lack of air, it didn't matter +which, and must suffer until somebody came<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> to her help. All this had +its rise in the idlest curiosity, unless, as I sometimes suspected, +she had made a bet that she would get out of me who this imaginary +<i>fiancée</i> of mine was, and was determined to win it. One day as I saw +her struggling with the blind cords in one of the window bays, and +advanced to her assistance, she relinquished the cords, and then, as +if to apologise for the trouble she was causing me, said, "Oh, thank +you so much—you see I'm going to a dance to-night, and have a slight +cold already.... You don't go to dances, do you, Mr Jeffries?" I +answered that I did not, whereupon she said gaily, "Oh, you must +learn! I'm sure you could find <i>some</i>body who would teach you! Then +you and your partner could join our set—such fun!"</p> + +<p>And another time she actually came to me with tickets for one of her +"hops," and pointed out to me that I should be saving a shilling by +taking both a pink ticket as well as a blue one.</p> + +<p>But while these were the results of my whispered false intelligence on +Miss Windus and Miss Causton and Miss Levey, the results on Evie +Soames were both foreseen and unforeseen. I had foreseen that it would +give me a new liberty with her; but I had not foreseen that she, and +not I, would be the first to take advantage of that liberty. It came +to me entirely as a surprise that she should see no reason why, if my +heart was engaged, she should<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> not speak of it as a matter of course +to myself.</p> + +<p>This, to my great confusion, she did.</p> + +<p>It was in the small back room that we called the library, among the +book-shelves and glass-cases of mimeographs and gelatine copiers and +patent tills, that she did so. I had seen her talking to Weston in the +empty lecture-room as I had passed through to restore a book to its +place—a new translation of "Schmoller on the Mercantile System," I +remember it was—and she had turned as I had passed. I think she had +been a little nervous about the pretty little exhibition she intended. +It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that she had actually +practised the words she was going to use, and I am quite sure she +meant to go through it creditably. My lady was even then looking +forward to the time when, on a small scale or a large one, she would +have to do these things. So she followed me into the library, and, +with one slender hand on the iron ball-arm of the copying press under +the gas said her little piece.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mr Jeffries!... I hear I have to congratulate you!"</p> + +<p>For a moment I did not take her meaning. Then it dawned on me, and I +felt a quick constriction of my heart that was both bliss and pain.</p> + +<p>"Oh?... On—on what?" I asked. I couldn't help stammering a little +over it.</p> + +<p>She wore a brown cloth tailor-made costume and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> a thick knitted cap of +white wool; and the shadow of this cap over her large eyes was not so +deep but that I saw the almost reproachful look in them. It was almost +as if she echoed: "'On what?' Can such a wonderful thing have happened +to you and you ask 'On what?'"</p> + +<p>"On this we hear of your engagement," she replied, looking down at her +toes. "It's—it's true, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>For the second time I felt my facile invention sitting somewhat less +easily on me. I stammered again, while she, I am quite sure, +misattributed my embarrassment.</p> + +<p>"Who told you that?"</p> + +<p>At that she was sweetly arch.</p> + +<p>"Oh, a little bird, Mr Jeffries! Don't tell me it isn't true—it would +be almost—almost like bad luck——"</p> + +<p>"Bad luck?" I repeated foolishly.</p> + +<p>"I mean, like wearing your wedding dress before the day, or something +like that—congratulating you too soon, I mean——"</p> + +<p>By this time I had collected my thoughts. "It isn't true," I said.</p> + +<p>Instantly her face fell adorably. In its expression I fancied I +detected both indignation against her misinformant and mortification +that her dear little attempt at social competence had failed.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh!... I'm <i>so</i> sorry!" she murmured, all dejection and shame and +rich colour. "Please forgive me!"</p> + +<p>"It isn't true," I said, "that—that I am actually engaged to be +married."</p> + +<p>Like a flash she was all eagerness again. She had a book in her hand, +not a college text-book but a novelette; and probably the whole of the +novelette was in her glad change of tone. I was not exactly engaged to +be married, but I <i>was</i> in love, and I daresay her brain was already a +jumble of surmises about obstinate parents, secret wills, <i>marriages +de convenance</i>, and true and severed young hearts.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" she said again. "I'm so—I mean I hope I shall soon be able +to—I mean I hope I'm not rude if I——" She floundered, already out +of her depth.</p> + +<p>"Not at all," I said gravely. "I only said I was not formally engaged. +There are—other reasons for congratulation after all——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, then I <i>do</i>!" she cried impulsively, with a grateful look that I +had helped her out. "I'm <i>so</i> glad!"</p> + +<p>Then, her ordeal over, she glanced towards the door.</p> + +<p>But a daring impulse seized me. This was on a Friday night, and I knew +that on the morrow she was going to Guildford.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I see you're just leaving," I said. "Would it annoy you if I were to +walk a little way with you?"</p> + +<p>Again the code of her upbringing banished her momentary hesitation.</p> + +<p>"Unless," I said, "you have already——"</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" she said, with quick frankness. "I only meant that I nearly +always go alone, or else with Miss Windus."</p> + +<p>"I'm sure Miss Windus can spare you for once. One doesn't get +congratulated like this every day," I pressed.</p> + +<p>She laughed merrily. "Some of us don't get it at all," she said. "With +pleasure, Mr Jeffries."</p> + +<p>I slapped Schmoller back into his place on the shelf, and went off, +drunk with bliss, to get my hat and coat.</p> + +<p>That night I walked with Evie for the first time to Woburn Place. +Never had the Bloomsbury streets seemed so short, never the east side +of the British Museum so few paces in length. I remember very little +of what we talked about, I know she spoke of her visit to Guildford. +The invitation, she gave me to understand, was really to her aunt, and +it was to the subject of her aunt that she quickly returned when I +insinuated a mention of Archie's name. I insinuated it again a minute +later, but after that, noticing the way in which she came back to the +aunt again, I forbore.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + +<p>"But I'm afraid we can't ask the Merridews back, as we ought," she +said, once more socially prescient. "We only have rooms in Woburn +Place, you see, and you can't very well ask people all that way just +to rooms, can you?"</p> + +<p>"No," I replied briefly. I was thinking of my own late hospitality to +Archie.</p> + +<p>"We used to have a house, of course, before uncle died, and you know +how poky rooms seem after that."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied, compressing my lips.</p> + +<p>And so we chatted. I forget what our other subjects were. I left her, +with our first hand-shake, at her door.</p> + +<p>What that week-end was to me I will not attempt to tell you. I did not +belong to this earth at all. The fact that actually, in her person, +she was enjoying herself in Archie's company at Guildford was nothing +to me; the fact that every fibre of me was rapturously tremulous at +the thought of her was everything. I triumphed as if I already had her +yielding in my arms. Archie?... In my possession I laughed. I even +felt kindly to Archie—felt towards him that it would give me pleasure +to have him, by-and-by, a quite frequent visitor at my house—our +house.... I spread the mantle of my exaltation over the draymen and +porters of the place where I dined. Their heavens were not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> mine, but +if a man is full he is full, and I allowed them sanctities of their +own. My heart was soft and generous to them. For the first time in my +life I knew what folk mean when they say they love all the world.</p> + +<p>The sweet influence had not quite left me when on Monday night I went +to the college to see her again.</p> + +<p>She did not appear that night. Neither did he.</p> + +<p>It was Wednesday before I saw her again.</p> + +<p>I do not know what damnable difference in me that absence of the pair +of them for a single evening made. It came over me so suddenly that I +was in its clutches before I was aware. It was a significant +transformation. Let me relate it.</p> + +<p>I knocked at the brass knocker of Archie's ivy-green door an hour +before the class on the Tuesday night, and found that he intended to +work at home that evening. (I only learned this, however, some minutes +later.) I had had a double reason for calling on him at that hour, and +the blood comes hot again in my cheeks as I recall my second reason. I +had recently bought a new suit of clothes, not in Lamb's Conduit +Street, but made, though cheaply enough, to measure; and though it was +only the beginning of the week one of the payments for this suit had +already depleted my pocket almost to the last penny. Since breakfast +that day I had not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> eaten. But I knew the hour at which Archie dined.</p> + +<p>So nicely had I hit the moment for my self-invitation that I actually +followed his hot dinner half-way up the stairs. It was only on the +first landing that the servant stood aside with the tray to allow me +to precede her. I knocked at his door and entered, leaving the door +open for the dinner of which I intended to partake to follow.</p> + +<p>He had brought a fowl back with him from Guildford, with one or two +other motherly gifts, and I smelt the white sauce even before Jane put +the tray down on a side table. Archie was in his brown dressing-gown, +standing before his fire. He had taken the green shade from his lamp, +and his low-ceilinged roof-chamber looked exceedingly ruddy and +comfortable and home-like.</p> + +<p>"Hallo! Good man!" he cried. "You're just in time—I was just funking +carving—you'd better be getting your hand in for when you're a family +man!... Bring another plate, Jane.... Well, how's things?"</p> + +<p>It was then that the thing happened that still has power to bring the +blood to my cheeks. It was exquisitely cruel in the moment of its +coming.</p> + +<p>"Oh, so-so," I replied carelessly.... "But I've just this minute +swallowed my dinner, thanks. You go ahead. I'll watch you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, rubbish!" he replied, in a tone that hardened<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> me. "I'll lay you +haven't had so much but you can pick a bit of Surrey fowl."</p> + +<p>I damned the thickness of his hide, but swallowed my choler.</p> + +<p>"Really, thanks," I said, turning away to look at a print on the wall +that I had seen a hundred times before.</p> + +<p>Jane hesitated. It was a long way up from the kitchen, and the old +bell-pull of red rope by his fireplace didn't always ring. "Shall I +bring the other plate, Mr Merridew?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes—bring it—he'll change his mind!"</p> + +<p>But in my hellish pride I had now no intention whatever of changing my +mind. Twice again he pressed me, and twice I declined, the second time +curtly; and he fell to himself, while I sat in a chair and watched +him.</p> + +<p>"Oh, by the way," he said suddenly, with his mouth full of food, "I'm +going to work here to-night.... Sure you won't have some pudding?"</p> + +<p>I rose. "Oh, well, if you're not coming I'll sheer off; why didn't you +say so? Enjoy your week-end?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, first rate. But, dash it all, don't be in such a hurry—you're +far too early yet."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I've just remembered something," I said, "See you again soon."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<p>And I waved my hand and left.</p> + +<p>I did not go to the class either that night. I was raging again, and +trying to protect that young fool from the injury of my savage +thoughts. I failed completely. Not even the thought that my passionate +resentment was a force to be confined as it were in a boiler, and only +to be allowed to escape by the way that would prove effective, +restrained me from clenching my fists and gritting my teeth as I +recalled the image of his pretty and ignorant and conceited face; and +I am afraid I "let go" utterly. I walked by way of Chancery Lane and +Bouverie Street to the Embankment; I crossed Blackfriars Bridge, and +after that I don't quite know where I went, trying to forget my +hunger, and trying to shake off my hideous grudge against the world +that threatened to crash over the head of the egotistical +whipper-snapper I had left.</p> + +<p>I have related this at some length because it was the first time, but +not the last, that that devil of sensitiveness took me in quite that +way.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>VIII</h3> + +<p>I had not exaggerated when I told Archie Merridew that I might find +some difficulty in obtaining from Rixon Tebb & Masters' leave of +absence for the day of the Method examination. That examination was +fixed for a Friday, a fortnight and some days after my refusal to set +fork into that fragrantly steaming Surrey fowl of Archie Merridew's, +and this falling on a Friday added to my difficulties.</p> + +<p>Or rather I should say that it added to Polwhele's difficulties, for +it was to Polwhele I looked once more to find a way out for me. For +Friday was a wage-day, and since I must have my eighteen shillings in +order to live, a mere covering of my absence would not suffice. The +cashier would have to be taken into the arrangement.</p> + +<p>But Polwhele had by now to some extent got over his dread, if not over +his hatred, of me. When I put the matter to him he refused. This was +in the street, during the luncheon hour. The louse refused to help me, +and turned away.</p> + +<p>Exactly fifteen minutes later I had bearded the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> cashier himself, +catching him at the door as he was returning from his meal.</p> + +<p>At first he looked at me as much as to say, "Did <i>I</i> speak to <i>you"</i>? +Then, finding it impossible to pretend he didn't know who I was, he +said, "What is it?"</p> + +<p>I told him what I wanted, concealing only my reason for wanting it; +and, after his first astonishment that I had taken the absolutely +unprecedented course of addressing a request otherwise than through +the usual channel, I found him not unmanageable. As a matter of fact, +things were slack, and there was only one kind of labour that Rixon +Tebb & Masters' would have preferred to that it had from the agency at +eighteen shillings a week—namely, a "floating margin" waiting on the +pavement to be taken on for an hour or two as it might be required. +Gayns saw a chance of saving a day.</p> + +<p>"You don't expect to be paid for that day, do you?" he said.</p> + +<p>"No," I replied.</p> + +<p>He thought for a moment. "All right," he said. "You can come for your +fifteen shillings on Thursday night."</p> + +<p>And Polwhele set another mark against me, that I had approached a +superior over his head.</p> + +<p>As I entered the Business College at half-past ten on the morning of +the examination it suddenly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> struck me that I had never been inside +the place in the daytime before. By gaslight it was, as I have said, +dingy enough, but by daylight it was shabby in the extreme. I walked +round the rooms, noticing for the first time that the shorthand and +typewriting rooms, which looked on the side street to the east of the +block, were by far the lightest rooms on our top floor, and that the +library in which I had received Evie's congratulations was little more +than a thick twilight, which the cleaning of the single grimy back +window that looked out over yards and chimney-pots would probably not +greatly have improved. The room adjoining that, the old ledger-room, +was not, except for the small high square of glass that gave on the +head of the stairs, lighted at all.</p> + +<p>They had made, too, quite extensive arrangements for the occasion +itself. We had been warned that we should not be allowed to leave the +premises until the examination was over, and as far as possible +separate spaces had been provided for each of the twenty-five +candidates—compartments of screens hired for the day from some +furnisher or shop-fitter, and open at the ends to the gaze of the +half-dozen perambulating guardians of the probity of examinations who +looked as if they too had been had in for the day on the same terms as +the screens. The contrast between the new fittings and the old +wallpapers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> and chandeliers struck me. And I remembered that even now, +when I had been debited my three shillings to be present, I did not +see the place in its normal daytime aspect at all.</p> + +<p>The papers were to be distributed at eleven, and at a few minutes +before that hour we were all assembled. A man called Mackie and myself +were the only two candidates for the Honours paper, and he and I were +kept well apart—I told off to a seat in the middle of the +lecture-room, he isolated in the typewriting-room. Evie, timorous +about her Elementary, was separated from Archie Merridew (who occupied +the box between Miss Windus and a pale student, Richardson) by the +whole length of the general room. We took our places; in all the rooms +at once voices were heard reading some cautionary form or other (my +policeman gave me the most mistrustful of glances as he pronounced the +words "expelled from the examination-room and your paper cancelled"); +the papers were distributed on the stroke of eleven, and the +examination began.</p> + +<p>I need not trouble you with what it was all about. The importance of +that day to me was quite unconnected with the paper on Method. I +ought, however, to say that the paper was in reality two papers, the +first in Theory and the second in Practice, with the interval for +lunch dividing the two. I mention this only to explain how it was we +came to be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> all talking together when, a little after half-past one, +our first papers had been collected and we were free to unsnap our +satchels or untie our parcels of lunch.</p> + +<p>Despite my reduced income that week I had provided myself with a +sumptuous lunch—two kinds of sausage from a <i>delicatessen</i> shop in +Shaftesbury Avenue, a paper of potato salad, a roll, butter, some sort +of chocolate <i>baba</i> or <i>moka</i>, and a bottle of Schweppes' dry ginger +ale. That lunch had cost me nearly three shillings—but I intended to +eat only a third of it. The rest was to be my chief sustenance during +the two following days. I was not among my porters and drivers now—oh +no! I was cutting quite a dash. Archie, passing with Miss Windus as I +opened my black satchel, did not forbear to remark, "By Jove! doesn't +Jeffries do himself well, what?" and it had been in order that I might +be assumed to "do" myself equally well every day of my life that I had +made my little display. I ate my exact third in the same compartment I +had written my examination paper in, and then, closing my bag on the +precious remainder, put it under the seat and mingled with the others.</p> + +<p>By a sort of natural selection, I presently found myself in the middle +bow window, discussing the questions he had just answered with my only +fellow-candidate in Honours, Mackie. Mackie, both at the college and +elsewhere, was one of these blatantly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> popular chaps, and I myself +didn't like him. In some respects he was rather of Archie's kind, but +he was older, more knowing, and had gone further. He was a singer of +comic songs at "smokers," and a frequent looker-in at the shilling +dances at the Holburn Town Hall after class. He was jubilant over the +ease of the Theory paper, and was already so confident of his pass +that he was cracking jokes right and left, as if a weight had been +taken off his mind.</p> + +<p>"It's going to be like money from home if it's no harder than that!" +he exulted (almost prophetically, if what I said about the standard of +modern examinations is true). "Kitty Windus says she'll eat her +mackintosh, with the accent on the 'tosh,' if she isn't all right for +the Advanced, and the Elementaries are as safe as your hand in your +pocket! What ho! Come out on the stairs and have a Flor de Cabbagos."</p> + +<p>I didn't want the Flor de Cabbagos, but I went out on the top landing +with him. One or two others were smoking on the floor below, which was +as far as we were allowed to stray. A few steps down Miss Windus and +Miss Causton were sitting on the stairs, as if they were sitting out a +dance, and Miss Causton moved lower down still as the fragrance of +Mackie's "Flor" reached her, and then a little way back again as she +caught the whiff that came<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> up the well. Mackie was talking of the +paper again.</p> + +<p>"All that mugging for a job you could do on your head!" he said, with +regret for the time he had lost. "I wouldn't have dropped out of the +billiard handicap if I'd known! Play billiards, Jeffries? I'm a +regular John Roberts—in my dreams. Give you fifty in a hundred at the +Napier when teacher says we can go."</p> + +<p>And he ran on, with dull facetiousness.</p> + +<p>But suddenly he stopped his rapid flow. He made a slight movement with +his finger, and stood listening. I heard nothing except the voices +lower down the stairs and the general hum in the room we had just +left. But Mackie did.</p> + +<p>"Hear that?" he said.</p> + +<p>"What?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Sssh!..."</p> + +<p>I told you how the wooden partition at the head of the stairs, that +with the small window high up, separated the landing on which we stood +from the old ledger-room. The window was worked with cords on a +horizontal pivot, and was swung partly open. Whether Mackie heard +whatever he did hear through this window or through the boards +themselves I do not know, but a smile came over his face.</p> + +<p>"It's that young devil," he whispered.</p> + +<p>"Who?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Why, young Merridew. He's in there with somebody...."</p> + +<p>I invite you to notice that I was improving. I was not eavesdropping +this time—I was merely letting Mackie do my eavesdropping for me. He +glanced round to see whether the women below were watching, and then +set his ear against the partition.</p> + +<p>"Yes, it's Merridew," he chuckled. "Nice father's hope and mother's +joy <i>that</i> young man's getting! I don't suppose he's gone in there to +talk to the secretary bird!..."</p> + +<p>I found myself suddenly reminded of what I had noticed for the first +time only an hour or two before—that the room beyond the partition +was practically unlighted.</p> + +<p>Then Mackie dropped again into the "bright" style affected by the +singers of comic songs at smoking concerts.</p> + +<p>"Ahem—good-hevening, ladies and gen'lmen! How am I? Very well, +thank me! Ahem! I will now, with your kind permission, endeavour to +entertain you with a few of my well-known impersonations on a +subject that will appeal to all of you, no matter what your age, +sex, condition, vaccination marks or the number of your dog +licence—<i>London's Lovers</i>."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mr Mackie's going to recite for us!" I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> heard Miss Windus' cry of +juvenile delight from down the stairs. "Please be quick, Mr Mackie—we +shall have to go in in ten minutes!"</p> + +<p>And those below pressed up the stairs to hear Mackie.</p> + +<p>But I did not stay to hear the "impersonation." I walked back into the +general room, and, with a violently throbbing heart, sought the seat +where I had written my examination paper.</p> + +<p>Do you realise what I had just seen? Do you see what had set my heart +so thumping? If Mackie was right, and he had really got the cue for +his "impersonation" from something that was going on in the +ledger-room, young Merridew and Evie were alone in there together.</p> + +<p>All that I had hitherto known of apprehension and despair and jealousy +of Archie's luck and chances and juniority was eclipsed by the emotion +that now flowed over me like a wave. The revelation swept me entirely +off my balance. It seemed to me that once more I awoke as if out of a +dream. I seemed to be standing as it were a little way off from my own +baseless hopes and illusions of the past weeks and coldly +contemplating my own egregiousness. I actually gave out loud a low +laugh that harrowed myself. What! To suppose that all, all I could do, +would prevent youth from coming together at the last!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<p>So I made myself a spectacle of ridicule for myself.</p> + +<p>Then, as the minutes passed, that which at first had seemed a pure and +perfect whole of hopelessness changed subtly and began to separate +into parts. And that brought such a change in me that I trembled to +recognise it. The shock of those first moments had stunned me, but I +was now coming out of my stupor. My first swift conclusion had been +wrong. These were <i>not</i> young lovers whom mountains could not sunder. +She, my sleeping beauty, who had but now opened her eyes, no doubt +thought I was that; her soul was over-brimming; and I remembered her +look of wonder and reproach when, after she had congratulated me on +that love-rise that is the most wondrous of earthly dawnings I had +given a puzzled "on what?" When hearts can no longer contain that with +which they ache to bursting, lucky is the one who stands nearest to +hand. His it is to have, for the lifting of his finger, what else +would spill. He may not be athirst for the draught; a muddier liquor +might quench his fire as well; but this dew and ichor is his, though +another parch for it.</p> + +<p>For I needed no pointers from Mackie to know young Archie now. This +was his ignored and heaven-high luck, and he did not even want it. If +their being together in that unlighted room—their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> being together +even as I sat with my head between my hands staring blankly at the +yellow deal screen—if this meant anything at all it meant one thing +and one thing only, that she must give because it was her nature to +give, and the cub was philandering with her.</p> + +<p>At that thought my despair gave place to something else. It was eaten +up in the white flame of wrath that flashed like a brand in my brain.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" I thought. "So <i>that's</i> it, my Archie?..."</p> + +<p>I need not tell you again how I always have made my angers serviceable +to me. Five minutes later—though my will was well-nigh deracinated in +the process—I was its master again. It still struggled like a beast +in my hold, nor did I know whence the help could come without which it +would presently have me in its power again, but I still retained my +throttling hold on it. One last wild struggle the beast made; this was +when beyond the end of my screen-enclosed compartment, I saw them +issue, with an interval of half-a-minute between their coming out of +the library doorway. He was pink and triumphant; at her I forbore to +look. A minute later Mackie passed and gave an infinitesimally small +jerk of his head and a wink; but by that time I was holding my savage +beast down again.</p> + +<p>Then a bell rang; there was a buzz and movement<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> the candidates were +making ready again. Once more attendants read the caution, and then +the second paper was distributed. Mechanically I turned over the +gelatine-copied leaves that had been handed to me.</p> + +<p>But I pushed them away again. A man who is engaged as I still was—a +luckless hunter who has missed his shot and is struggling desperately +body to body with his intended prey—has little time for anything but +the business in hand. True, I did draw the paper to me again and tick +off the questions that would be productive of the highest marks, but +it was long before I got any further. There would come between me and +my page Archie Merridew's pink and boastful face as I had seen him +issue from the library door.</p> + +<p>I do not know how long I sat thus.</p> + +<p>Draggingly at last I settled to work. But it was well-nigh hopeless. I +came to myself after a long interval to find that I was staring +blankly before me and muttering softly to myself. I had not written +more than half-a-page. Wearily I tried again.</p> + +<p>The next external thing that I was fully awake to was that from the +typewriting-room there came the single "Ting" of the small clock on +the mantelpiece. I started. That single "Ting" always meant one of +two things—one o'clock or a half-hour. I had no watch.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p> + +<p>I tried for a moment to persuade myself that the clock had just struck +half-past two.</p> + +<p>Then I heard the attendant's voice: "You have one hour left."</p> + +<p>"Good heavens!" I groaned.</p> + +<p>I drew my paper to me again.</p> + +<p>For a time I was not conscious of anything but the questions that must +be answered by half-past four. Indeed, so feverishly did I work that I +did not hear the attendants announce that we had only half-an-hour +longer. The next announcement I heard was that fifteen minutes only +remained.</p> + +<p>Swiftly and flurriedly I turned over what I had written. I was just +half-way through the paper.</p> + +<p>Wildly alarmed, I broke into rapid shorthand—the shorthand in which I +am writing this now. I did not know whether the shorthand would be +accepted; I only knew that in its larger aspect the object of the +examination was to determine whether I was master of my subject. I was +master of my subject. Those already diluted tests of capacity, the +questions, dictated their own replies: I put on top speed.</p> + +<p>"You have five minutes more," sounded the relentless voice.</p> + +<p>But I could have sworn that not one minute elapsed before, much louder +and more peremptory, came the final call:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You must now cease writing!"</p> + +<p>As I mingled with my fellow-candidates again I heard Mackie crying +joyously, "Oh, we got medals for this in Paris!" But I passed him by +without a glance. Nor had I any desire to linger about those premises +my first sight of which in the daytime had cost me three shillings in +cash, and a murderous rage that might indeed have closed the gates of +heaven in my face. I went quickly for my hat and coat, almost +colliding with Miss Causton as I turned a corner and muttering I know +not what as she shrank back and gave me a look that I could hardly +reconcile with her usually ironical and ruminating eyes. I merely +wanted to get out of the place....</p> + +<p>But I did not escape so quickly but that I saw Archie and Evie +following me down the stairs. No doubt they were going together to her +aunt's to tea.</p> + +<p>A week later I learned that I had passed with distinction in the +Theory part of the paper, but had failed in the Practice portion. The +examiners made a joke about "Paper Number Two," saying they had +decided to hold it over for next year's shorthand examination. +Everybody knew whose paper Number Two was....</p> + +<p>Mackie had passed in both portions.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" > +<h2><a name="PART_II" id="PART_II"></a>PART II</h2> + +<h2>WOBURN PLACE</h2><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> +<br> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" > +<h3><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h3> + +<p>Some time or other during the period of my engagement to Miss Windus +(an episode of my history I am now approaching), I happened to remark +on the pleasant arrangement that had removed many of the temptations +of London from Archie Merridew's path by giving him a "home from +home"—the wholesome influence of the Soames' house in Woburn Place. +My charmer agreed with me that no arrangement could have been happier. +It is of that arrangement that I must now speak. But first I must tell +you as much as I can recollect of the party with which the Christmas +term closed.</p> + +<p>Little as things of that kind appeal to me, I had been to that +breaking-up party. Why I had deliberately sought this misery I find it +difficult to say. It had been Miss Levey who, the very evening before +the result of the Method examination had been announced, had broached +the matter to me, and that of itself would doubtless have decided me +had it not been for Miss Causton, who had come up just as I was +refusing.</p> + +<p>"Mr Jeffries says he won't come!" Miss Levey<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> had said, turning to +Miss Causton, "but we want a few of the seniors as guests—you and Mr +Mackie and Mr Weston—you're the lights of the college, you know."</p> + +<p>I had been quite unaware that my mental comment on her "we" had shown +in my face (she was quite twenty-five), but apparently it had, for she +had added, with a laugh that had struck me as contemptuous even of +herself, "Oh, I call myself a junior too!" and had turned away.</p> + +<p>Of course I ought not to have gone, and, after I had learned of my +failure in Method, I had been on the point of renewing my refusal. But +then there had seized me an almost mad desire to see how much I really +could endure with a smile (Evie and Archie, of course, had been among +the first to accept). So the very thing that ought to have kept me +away had driven me there. Of this extreme of perversity I am afraid I +must ask you to find what explanation you can. I am merely setting +down the thing as it occurred.</p> + +<p>So I had gone, though, to Miss Levey's disappointment, <i>sans</i> "lady," +and had had, moreover, the pleasure, such as it was, of also +disappointing those who had expected that my failure in Method would +plunge me into gloom. I was far beyond gloom. Mere gloom would not +have expressed my feelings; it would have lacked the ecstasy of my +misery. So<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> I daresay I had appeared, not less, but more cheerful than +my ordinary, and perhaps that was even set down as courage that was +merely the numbing of sensibility.</p> + +<p>A most extraordinary experience to me that party had been. On the +occasion of the Method examination screens and tables had had to be +imported, but this time the opposite had been done, and all day +half-a-dozen of the students had been busy, stacking desks and tables +away in the old ledger-room and clearing the lecture-room for dancing. +The senior classroom had been turned into a refreshment-room, and an +upright piano had been got in and lifted upon Weston's lecturing dais. +Blackboards indicated the way to the ladies' cloak-room (the library) +and that of the men (the room with the washbowls), and by the time I +had arrived, at half-past eight, everybody had assembled. Nine had +been fixed as the hour when dancing was to begin.</p> + +<p>Sisters and friends had brought up the number of women to perhaps a +dozen, and Miss Levey had not failed to remark on my coming alone. Her +short legs had started to bring her to me almost before I had looked +about me.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mr Jeffries—then you <i>haven't</i> brought a lady friend!" she had +reproached me. "I hope you understood that the invite was for two!" At +this, setting my face into a rocky smile that had remained<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> on it +thence forward, I had looked at her over her fan.</p> + +<p>"Oh?" I had said. "Then it was my 'lady friend,' not me, you wanted to +see?"</p> + +<p>But she had been equal to me. "Oh no—but there are three times as +many gentlemen as ladies, you know. Come and let me introduce you——"</p> + +<p>But I had evaded this, preferring, in the words of Mackie, who had +passed just then, to "paper the wall."</p> + +<p>From my station by the thrown-back folding-doors of the lecture-room, +with that carved smile on my face for all the world as if my heart had +been temporarily atrophied, I had been able to look even on Evie +almost unmoved. The whole scene had been a haggard but quite painless +nightmare to me. When, at nine o'clock, the piano had begun to play, I +had watched the men in their black sparrow-tails and white gloves, +stooping, posturing, offering arms, revolving, as if the picture had +been a flat representation, lacking a dimension, the blackboard behind +the pianist and the old bells like interrogation-marks above his head +quite as important as the moving figures. And I had smiled and smiled. +After all, one might as well smile as not. Once you had got the smile +into its place it was just as easy. Really it would have been the +taking of it off again that would have required the mental effort.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> + +<p>It was as I had stood there that Miss Causton had come up to me and +asked me if I did not dance. Her voice, as she had done so, had hardly +detached itself in my mind from the noise about us, and even her +figure, lending as it were its own life to her dress of oyster-grey, +had seemed no less flat and diagrammatic than the rest of the scene. +"No," I had said, and "No," she had repeated, with a nod, "getting the +piano up and down would be more your style, for it nearly killed those +boys this afternoon.... But won't you let me teach you?"</p> + +<p>"I've no gloves."</p> + +<p>"Gloves!" she had said softly.</p> + +<p>And so, since besides smiling one may as well dance as not, I had +taken a dancing lesson from Miss Causton. But we had only gone twice +round the room—for which, considering my weight, I could hardly have +blamed her, and then, panting a little, she had proposed a rest. And +in the very bay from which I had once overheard her conversation with +Miss Windus I had talked civilities to her, still smiling. I had asked +whether she was coming back after Christmas and had been told "Yes," +and when, by-and-by, as being less trouble than thinking of a new one, +I had put the same question to Miss Levey, I had got a "Yes" from her +also. After that I had worked that question really hard, putting it at +least once more to Miss Levey,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> and once to somebody who was not at +the college at all, after which I had found a new one, I forget what, +making two quite useful social accomplishments. Once again Miss +Causton had come up to me. "——since you don't come to me," I +remember her saying; "I should like some coffee." But she had barely +tasted the coffee I fetched her—I remember wondering whether I ought +to take her to the coffee or fetch the coffee to her—and then, just +in the middle of my third brilliant conversational find, she had +suddenly got up and left me.</p> + +<p>And so on. The last had been similarly phantasmagoric. I had smiled +when Evie had come up and said reproachfully: "You can dance with +Louie!" and again when she had said: "I should like something to +drink—no, you mustn't fetch it—when you're asked for those things in +the middle of a dance it means that somebody wants to sit out with +you—but, oh dear! I forgotten that this was Archie's, and here he +is!..." It hadn't hurt much but I had had enough. The last person I +distinctly remember speaking to was Miss Levey, who had said that I +really must bring "somebody" to the next social. They had still been +dancing when I left.</p> + +<p>Now that the disaster of my failure had befallen me, a year must +elapse before I could make a second attempt; and so it became quite +unnecessary that I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> should return to the college after the Christmas +vacation of a month. The faraway autumn would be early enough for +that. The fees, small as they were, came fearfully heavy on me, and I +could study in the Patent Office Library for nothing.</p> + +<p>But I wished to return in January. My many reasons for this are clear +to you. To the more obvious of them I will only add, that I seemed now +to be doomed to remain at Rixon Tebb & Masters' for another year, and, +now that that strange and rather frightening calm of that night of the +breaking-up party had passed, I simply could not face the time ahead +without the alleviation, or at least the change of pain, that the +prospect of seeing Evie afforded.</p> + +<p>So I decided to continue my course.</p> + +<p>The days until the college should reopen on the 21st of February +were—I almost said purgatory to me, but in truth they purged me +little. It was the rainiest and muddiest of Christmas weeks; nobody +was out of doors who had a fire to sit by and leisure to sit by it, +and the streets were a bobbing of umbrellas and a squirting of mud +about the turned-up trousers of men and the skirts of women lifted to +their wearers cared not where. I tried to make the use of dubbin take +the place of the resoling of my boots, and in my chamber, which was +warmed only by my oil-stove, my garments never dried. It was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> a short +week at Rixon Tebb & Masters', we were paid short too, and I shall +never forget my Christmas dinner of that year. For a fit of +desperation and impotent rebellion took me. I went for a change to +another "pull-up" than my usual one, and there paid tenpence for a +wholly insufficient dinner. I rebelled, I say. I brought my fist down +on the table, and out of sheer recklessness ordered the whole lot over +again. This proved too much for me. I couldn't eat half of it, but I +didn't care. How I was going to recoup myself for the double cost +afterwards I didn't know. If I had to have more money, I knew I should +have to get it somehow, that was all.</p> + +<p>That was a villainous Christmas for me!</p> + +<p>And I was alone—Archie at Guildford, Evie and her aunt I didn't know +where, perhaps at Guildford too, everybody with homes to go to and +faces to talk to over a fire. Archie's absence, too, cost me several +sixpences—the price of the hot baths I could not very well ask for at +his quarters while he was away. I spent my evenings in the Patent +Office Library, where it was warm.</p> + +<p>I was glad when Christmas was over. I felt somehow that I was not +missing quite so much.</p> + +<p>Then those who had been away for a holiday came back; the second and +third weeks of January passed; and on the twenty-first, a Monday, I +went to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> the college again, as piteously joyful as if I had been an +outcast returning to open and welcoming arms again.</p> + +<p>There were changes at the college. New students had come, several of +the old ones had left, among them Mackie, whose course was finished, +and we had a new "professor," who, it was said, was to start an +advertisement-writing class. But the biggest gap seemed to be left by +Miss Levey and Miss Causton, neither of whom, in spite of their +answers to my question at the breaking-up party, had returned. Miss +Levey, indeed was not returning; she had got a job; and I do not +conceal that this was a small relief to me. It put an end to the hints +and guessings and pertinacities that might still further have +embarrassed my not very clearly explained situation. But Miss Causton, +I gathered, had merely not come back yet. As it turned out later, she +did not come back. But nobody knew yet. So, until she should do so, +Evie and Miss Windus remained our only two woman students.</p> + +<p>It is plain that I had had to think out a plausible reason for my own +return. I neither wished, nor would it have been credible of me, to be +regarded as one of those high-and-dry relics (every college and school +has them) who wear on to middle age seeing whole generations of +juniors out, and become pathetic "institutions" merely because they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> +had not initiative to stop doing what they have once begun. So I had +hit on an explanation of my reappearance that, as it subsequently +turned out, cut two ways. In one of these ways it proved magnificently +sufficient for me; in the other it proved inadequate with an +inadequacy that I only partly rectified when I became engaged to Miss +Windus. In a word, I had had an idea.</p> + +<p>My idea was this:</p> + +<p>Starting from the old "Method" course (which, despite my failure, I +knew back and forth and inside out), I had begun to evolve for myself +a whole new course of private study. Much of this, I anticipated, I +should be able to pursue at the college; for the rest the British +Museum and the Patent Office Library would serve. The germ of my +notion lay (or at least began) in certain questions that bore on the +consolidation of Commercial Distribution; and I fancied, rightly as it +turned out, that my idea was in harmony with the broader developments +of the day. More than that I need not say. All that concerns this +story is that my new inspiration landed me straightway in a dilemma. +On the one hand, the newness of the idea proved to be the foundation +of my fortune, on the other, because of its very newness, and because +it surpassed the terms of the then known, it appeared to those who +wanted to know "what Jeffries was about," a subterfuge and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> a blind +for something else. In a small sense, as you are aware, it was that; +in a larger one it emphatically was not.</p> + +<p>It is odd what difference a New Year makes in such colleges as ours. +The influx of new students always drives the older ones more closely +together, so that a person with whom the previous term you had little +more than a nodding acquaintance becomes, when you meet again, almost +an old friend. You have memories and associations in common that the +new-comers know nothing about, and quasi-amicable rearrangements are +made. I may say at once that it was not this that finally drove me +into Miss Windus's arms, but it helped in the early stages by breaking +down other resistances, and so made our extraordinary subsequent +relation possible.</p> + +<p>Evie had told me, on the night when I had first walked home with her +to Woburn Place, that she usually went home either alone or else with +Miss Windus, who lived in Percy Street, Tottenham Court Road; and +while I, of course, had gone no farther than the gate, Miss Windus, I +knew, had on more than one occasion gone in to supper. In the new +order of things (which included Archie's "home from home") the three +of them not infrequently went to Woburn Place together, and I began to +see his light near the Foundling Hospital<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> more and more rarely as I +passed. Of course it didn't at all follow that because he was not in +his own quarters he was at Woburn Place; I knew for a fact that very +often he was not; and I learned from Mackie, whom I ran into one +evening as I was returning from Rixon Tebb & Masters', and to whom I +forced myself to talk, that on at least one recent occasion Master +Archie had been seen flying a none-too-steadily-balanced kite in the +neighbourhood of Leicester Square. The "home from home" was a capital +one from the point of view of Mrs. Merridew, no doubt; but from that +of Miss Soames the aunt, into whose house, whether she knew it or not, +some whiff at least of another atmosphere was being brought, the thing +seemed very open indeed to question.</p> + +<p>Evie, I could see now, was lost in love of him; and I sometimes +wondered whether I was not becoming hopelessly one-idea-ridden to +suppose that it could all possibly end in any but the plain and +obvious way—by her marriage to him. Changes that I shall speak of +presently were taking place quickly in myself, and perhaps it was the +first sign of them that sometimes, when I found myself utterly spent +and broken, melodramatic magnanimities rose in my brain. In these +moments I was tempted to throw up the struggle, to take myself off +somewhere, and to leave them to arrange matters as they would.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> I +wonder—I wonder!—whether I should have had the strength to do it!</p> + +<p>And I wonder too whether, had I done it, it would have been "strength" +at all! I hardly think it would. I will not generalise about slack +young men and blind and innocent girls; I am not concerned with +collective morals; but I was concerned with the given case, and +already saw how things would almost inevitably turn out. Archie, after +the manner of his kind, would sandwich in his visits to Woburn Place +with more suspect pleasures; presently there would come some accident +of detection, or there would not; if there did he would make a more or +less (probably less) clean breast of it, and if there did not it would +become a question of how far he would go with Evie. At that also I +could make a guess. A "home from home," is not quite what it seems +when the home contains a young creature who follows the befriended +young man about with soft and adoring eyes; parents and aunts notice +these things; one day something would happen; and Archie, who never +took any other line, would take the line of least resistance and, +seeing that it was expected of him, become formally engaged to her.</p> + +<p>And then what? Ah, I foresaw that too!</p> + +<p>She would be, as the expression goes, "no worse" for him. For that +also he lacked the courage. He<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> would sloven himself and her into a +love that would soon prove irksome to him, a bitterness to her, and +pure only on a technicality. I knew his breed; To the best of them +Woburn Place is Woburn Place, and Leicester Square Leicester Square; +and to the worst of them these two things quickly interpenetrate and +weld. And what would that mean for her? I looked at my love; I looked +about me at other sad and disillusioned women who have survived their +fair dreams as examples of the way in which this love-slovening +actually works out; and I shuddered.</p> + +<p>No, a magnanimous removal of myself would not have been "strength" at +all.</p> + +<p>Yet if you think I became engaged to Miss Windus merely that I might +have a pair of eyes frequently in Woburn Place, there you are wrong +again. I became engaged to her because I had no choice. The +contributory causes were several. Among the earlier of them had been a +conversation I had had with Archie Merridew a week before the +examination in Method.</p> + +<p>After I had been at pains to give out the information that I was +engaged as it were at large and without further particularity, I had +begun, as you have already guessed, to be the victim of my own +ingenuity. Our committances have this way of taking matters into their +own hands. I had quickly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> found it impossible to be thus +unspecifically betrothed. Too many questions had instantly sprung up, +and Archie, if not Miss Levey, had known too much about the +circumstances of my life.</p> + +<p>At first I had tried to fob him off by speaking of "some girl in the +City," but that had been useless. If that was so, he had wanted to +know (probably having gossipped it all over with Miss Levey), why did +I never see her in the evenings, and why was I so often at liberty on +Saturday afternoons and Sundays? I had protested, I had made jokes. +How, I had demanded, did <i>he</i> know where I passed my spare time?... +Well, he knew (he had retorted) where I spent five evenings out of the +seven!</p> + +<p>Miss Levey, you see, had started him, and it amused him to go on.</p> + +<p>And so his intrusiveness had begun to narrow me down to the college +itself.</p> + +<p>This had given me the choice of just two <i>inamorata</i>—Miss Causton and +Miss Windus (for I still supposed that Miss Causton might walk into +the college as usual any evening). To the latter lady I was at that +time exceedingly averse; and on the night of this conversation of +which I speak, after Archie had been almost beyond endurance jestingly +importunate, I had all but declared myself point blank for the absent +Miss Causton. (The conversation had taken place in his rooms.)<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<p>"The question is, Archie," I said gravely, looking at him with sharp +doubt in my eyes, "can I trust you? I suspect you've already set +something going, you know."</p> + +<p>He had coloured a little. A mere honourable understanding was never in +the least binding on him, and I was never quite sure to what extent +the exaction of a definite promise would be so.</p> + +<p>"Oh, dash it all, Jeff!" he had scoffed rather awkwardly, +"anybody'd think you were ashamed of it! All I said was quite +harmless—really——"</p> + +<p>"I know," I had commented, "<i>meaning</i> no harm. Nine-tenths of the harm +in the world's done that way. I don't know that I don't prefer the man +who means harm; at least he knows what he's doing.... But why are you +so curious about it all?"</p> + +<p>His curiosity, I knew, was nothing more or less than a slack +indulgence of his desire to hear a secret. He had too Miss Levey's +racial gift of turning these things to account. But he had put it +rather differently.</p> + +<p>"Oh, just friendly interest," he had replied, slapping his jacket +pocket. "Where did I put my cigarette case?... We <i>are</i> friends, +aren't we?"</p> + +<p>"Rather less so when you go chattering about me."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Sorry, old man," he had replied contritely, though his contrition had +been less for his blabbing than that I apparently had taken it amiss. +"I didn't think—you didn't tell me not—it slipped out——"</p> + +<p>"Well, well—no great harm's done. But if I were you—" if I had +hesitated it was merely for a private and subtle relish "—I'd take a +memory powder, to use an expression of Miss Windus's."</p> + +<p>(You will remember how I had come to overhear that expression, and you +may see, by turning back, the precise context of the allusion.)</p> + +<p>Archie had been sitting in his favourite attitude, with his stockinged +feet against the pilaster of the fireplace. He had twinkled again.</p> + +<p>"I don't think it <i>can</i> be Miss Windus," he had chuckled again. +"Anybody can see you can't stand her."</p> + +<p>"Oh? Sorry I've allowed that to appear."</p> + +<p>"And the college isn't exactly swarming with girls," he had continued.</p> + +<p>I had told him that he was dragging the college in entirely on his own +responsibility.</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" he had said promptly, with a far too cunning glance at me. +"You don't put me off like that, old boy! I've got you down to that, +and I'm going to hold you to it! Serve you right for your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> dashed +secretiveness! So if it isn't Miss Windus, and it isn't Miss +Soames——"</p> + +<p>At that I had been able quite calmly to jest. I had fetched up a +laugh.</p> + +<p>"Steady a minute," I had said. "If you're really bent on going into +the Sherlock Holmes business you'll have to do it properly, you +know—give reasons for your eliminations. Accuracy's everything. Let's +have your reason for ruling Miss Soames out."</p> + +<p>"Good old Jeff," he had remarked, laughing; "accurate even in his +jokes! Well, say Evie's a young twenty, and you're a damned +experienced old thirty—how will <i>that</i> do?"</p> + +<p>I believe, taken with all the rest, that it had seemed to him +perfectly conclusive.</p> + +<p>"That's better," I had approved. "I only meant that if you're going to +be methodical you must <i>be</i> methodical, that's all. Good mental +training for you, my boy."</p> + +<p>"So it is," he had agreed, with the forthcoming examination in his +mind. "I say—we'll have a shorthand speed-test presently—but first +I'm going to drag this out of you...."</p> + +<p>And by-and-by I had all but made the confession that it was Miss +Causton whom I adored from a distance and hesitated to approach.</p> + +<p>Another contributory source to this oddest freak<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> of my life was the +terms on which I had returned to the college. That wide and unexpected +development of my new studies was no explanation to anybody but +myself; I had confessed myself, through Archie, to be in love; and the +more closely I applied myself to my mysterious work the less +mysterious did my whole conduct appear. Yet on the whole, even if Miss +Causton had returned at once, I might at the last have feared the +hazard with one at once so suspiciously open and problematically deep +as she; and there was no allowing matters to remain as they were. +There was only Miss Windus for it.</p> + +<p>You see the mess I had landed myself in.</p> + +<p>Yet my unhappiness in all this was only a part of a general change +that was quickly leavening me throughout. It was a change altogether +for the better. I was sick, sick of shifts and tricks and meannesses. +I was no less sick of them in myself than I was when I encountered +them in the Sutts and Polwheles among whom my life was passed. I +panted for a clearer air and a more spacious prospect; I panted for +these things because Evie had loosened the band that had confined the +wings of my own spirit. And with my own spirit thus freed, I would +find a way to escape from the cage of my circumstances. Once I had +done with that old life I would have done with it for ever.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> And, +strange as it may seem, it was because hope was at last greyly and +tardily dawning for me that I entered into my last despicable +tortuousness with Kitty Windus.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>II</h3> + +<p>For as I got deeper into my studies I began to see in it nothing less +than the finger of Providence that I had failed in the second part of +the examination in Method. That frustration altered the whole course +of my life. I am, of course, speaking in the light of subsequent +events, but I see now what a mere pass would have meant—a sort of +success no doubt—but a success in a narrow and short-reaching +attempt.</p> + +<p>Up to that time my plan had been to qualify myself by means of +certificates, to find a billet elsewhere, and then, with Rixon Tebb & +Masters' recommendation of steadiness and sobriety, really to begin in +some firm where promotion was possible otherwise than by our +bottle-neck of a junior clerkship. I had actually had the choice of +no less than two such firms, and had been already wondering what I +should do with my extra twelve shillings a week—for I should have +begun at thirty shillings.</p> + +<p>And then I had failed.</p> + +<p>Well, heaven be thanked for it. In that failure I sounded, for the +last time—but no; for the last time but one—the bass-string of my +poverty.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> + +<p>For now, as I saw my new work gradually unfolding, it sometimes so +excited me that I could hear my own heart thumping in my breast. Do +you know that feeling—that in your brain there is already born, and +growing apace, an idea that you do not believe to be guessed at by any +creature in the world except yourself? As a matter of fact I now know +that my idea was being simultaneously worked upon elsewhere. Sir +Julius (then "Judy") Pepper was pegging away at it in his back room in +Endsleigh Gardens, hardly a mile from where I brooded over it myself; +and if you have never heard of the association of Jeffries and Pepper +you know very little about these things. Still, all was in darkness +then save for that single ray far ahead that seemed to indicate a way +out; and even now I have only just begun my life's work—the keying up +to concert pitch of certain branches of commercial distribution that, +by the time I and my successors have finished, will make men wonder +how such a phenomenon as, say, the railway strike of last year could +ever have been possible.</p> + +<p>Nor was this deepest peace that the man of action knows—his certainty +about what his task in the world must be—the whole of my spirit's +unexpected re-birth. This held out the promise of material—and shall +I say "ethical?"—well-being; and my eyes were now opened to more than +that. I hesitate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> to call this new thing "religion." I would rather +define it as the clear and immutable knowledge that all things <i>do</i> +work together to an end, good, bad or morally unconnoted. It was a +perception of powers and forces, not at variance, but working in +harmony towards some cosmic consummation. I don't think that is +religion. I don't think it would save a soul. But it not only saved, +but made altogether its own, my reason. I believed in the power and +divinity of a thing, if not in those of a Being. And I believe that I +should have got further even than that.</p> + +<p>And if it be true that we treat the world as we are treated by it, +this changed my attitude to all with whom I came into contact. I am +not thinking now of Kitty Windus, for she, poor soul, was but an +episode, though one I have found is hard enough to make away with. I +am thinking of Sutt, of Polwhele, of the proprietor of my +public-house, of the drivers and porters of my restaurant, of the men +and women, seen and to be seen no more, who passed me in the streets. +And I am thinking of Evie Soames.</p> + +<p>For it was side by side with her sweetness that I conceived all this +authority and strength and vision to exist. It was all, I knew not +how, hers—hers and mine. I could not successfully resolve a problem +nor work out an equation but something within me cried, "That is ours, +my love!—something<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> seized from the limbo of things-not-known-yet, +for you, dear, and for me!" I could now even bear to work away from +her, in another room of the college, among the files of the Patent +Office, at my own place. When her face rose, as it ever did, between +me and my paper or page, I knew peace now, not jealousy. Had I put +into words the thoughts that then filled me those words would have +been, "Yes, my own—you see what I'm doing—it is for us, and it won't +be long—go away, sweetheart, but not very far." And so I dreamed +harder and worked harder than I have ever done in my life, and both +came easily to me, because I had at last clearly seen my goal.</p> + +<p>Yet you are not to suppose that I was not unwinkingly wakeful too. +This was my inner life, and it informed, but did not abate, the +vigilance of my outer one. I think that three times out of four I knew +(at first at any rate) when Archie had been to Woburn Place, and +perhaps twice out of four when he had sought a lower pleasure +elsewhere. It would take too long to tell you how I ascertained all +this. I did so under a mask of casualness that practice and my +new-born hope had now made quite easy.</p> + +<p>And so I come to my acceptance by Kitty Windus.</p> + +<p>Espionage upon Woburn Place was only a part, and by far the lesser +part, of it. I had my impossible<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> position to explain. And not only +had I to explain it, but my original lie had left me only one other +way of explaining it—the giving up of Evie once for all. That I could +have more easily done months back than I could now that hope had +brought her so (I speak comparatively) tantalisingly near. I admit +that the chance that I might be introduced at Woburn Place as Miss +Windus's <i>fiancée</i> did weigh, and horribly. I no longer hated her. I +pitied her. I do not mean that this pity was in the least degree akin +to love in that word's sense as between man and woman; but by salving +a little my self-content it did, practically, help me to carry the +thing out. But I swear, however much I may appear to put myself upon +the defensive in doing so, that of itself the prospect of Woburn Place +would not have swayed me.</p> + +<p>I have not the heart to remember the earlier stages of my duplicity. +Too many crawling things lie beneath that stone of my life for me to +wish to turn it over. Let me summarise by saying that, by a slow and +nicely calculated relaxing of my stiffness, and a gradual and +lingering and gratuitous prolongation ever and again of certain +opportunities of intercourse, I had, by the beginning of March, so +counterbalanced my former aversion that, in a word, anything might +happen, and at any moment.</p> + +<p>Poor, lonely, starved spinster heart! I have far<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> more ruth for what I +did to you than for what I did to another!</p> + +<p>But let me, before I go on, see whether there was anything during the +months of January and February that I may not omit.... No, I think +there is little. Miss Causton still remained away; I pursued my new +investigations; that segregation of newness of the first-year students +relaxed a little, but without affecting that slight unconscious coming +together of the older ones that it had brought about; and I think +Archie Merridew divided his time between Woburn Place and Leicester +Square pretty equally. I think that is all. I pass on.</p> + +<p>It was in Lincoln's Inn Fields that I entered into a pledge with Kitty +Windus that I had no intention of ever redeeming. I had not thought +when I had left the college that night that it would come so quickly. +I had planned a long walk, and, passing through Great Turnstile, had +come upon Miss Windus looking into the window of an antique shop. I +had stopped and gazed with her, and then, presently moving away, we +had passed together into the square.</p> + +<p>She told me afterwards that she had been merely aimlessly wandering, +having been to Woburn Place the evening before and fearing to weary +her welcome there by going again the next night; but I did not know +this then. Therefore, when presently she stopped at the corner where +the street leading to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> Kingsway now is and said, "Well, I think I'll +go back," I was a little surprised. Then I understood and laughed.</p> + +<p>"I'm so sorry," I said, "I thought this was your way. I don't know +that it's particularly mine—I was only taking a stroll—so if you +don't mind I'll walk back with you."</p> + +<p>Thereupon we turned back into the Fields.</p> + +<p>It was this mutually made discovery that neither of us was pressed for +time that brought simultaneously into our minds some slight +self-consciousness that for the first time in our lives we should be +thus killing an hour in one another's company. Her own embarrassment +presently gave expression to this.</p> + +<p>"How nice," she said, after we had walked half the length of the +central garden railings in silence, "to feel sometimes that you +haven't got to talk if you don't want to!"</p> + +<p>The remark, commonplace as it was, gave me a new glimpse of her. I +knew that she read a better class of novel than my Evie, and with the +results you might suppose. I don't seriously believe that Evie's +"scions of noble blood" and the rest of her novelette paraphernalia +had any point of contact with real life for her, but Miss Windus +carried over the triteness she got from her reading into her thought +and speech. Therefore, since I myself,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> though no eloquent speaker, +believe that tongues were made to talk with, I again laughed a little.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied, "provided always that you aren't silent merely +because you've nothing to say."</p> + +<p>I think this penetration, such as it was, struck her with quite +remarkable force; and, as the novels provided no reply to it, she was +again silent for a time. We were approaching the corner of Great +Turnstile again, but I don't think she noticed it. We turned down by +Stone Buildings and began to complete the circuit of the Fields.</p> + +<p>"Mr Merridew said you were very clever," she remarked at last. "What +<i>do</i> you study all by yourself in the senior classroom, Mr Jeffries?" +she asked, the quizzical little triangles of her eyes turned up to +mine in the light of a lamp that hung like a beacon over the garden +railings. She wore a plaid Inverness cape and a boat-shaped hat that +night, I remember, and would doubtless have worn rubber heels had +those articles been invented. Never woman made a slighter physical +appeal to man than she.</p> + +<p>"I'm not quite sure myself yet," I replied, as truthfully as made no +matter. "Part of it at any rate is human nature in business."</p> + +<p>"I love human nature," she said.</p> + +<p>I knew I had only to speak. In the light of the wrong I was about to +do her I freely forgave her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> all her past pretences towards myself. +All grapes had been sour to poor Kitty, and I didn't doubt she had +made brave attempts, and still braver concealments of failure. Baboon +or anybody else, there she was at his pleasure so her reproach be but +taken away. For already I had decided that it might as well be now as +later.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I answered, as if absently, and we walked on.</p> + +<p>The night was slightly frosty, and over the houses to the north of the +Fields the glare of Holborn shone rustily. There were few people +about. As we walked, by this time almost used to the strangeness of +one another's company, I wished that the central garden of the square +had not been closed; at least she would have had the association of a +tree and a plot of grass to go with her plighting. But I knew that +such weaknesses as this were not safe, and shut peremptorily down on +them. She seemed so pathetically small and skimpy by my side, and had +I yielded even a little I could almost have persuaded myself of a +tenderness for her. This I refused to do. I would do nothing to make +easy for myself what would by-and-by prove cruel enough for her.</p> + +<p>We were half way round the Fields on our second circuit before I spoke +again. I moistened my lips and steeled myself.</p> + +<p>"Miss Windus," I said.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<p>I think a tremor took her instantly with my change of tone. She looked +up, but I did not hear whether she said anything.</p> + +<p>Nor did I say anything. Our hands, as we walked, were close together. +I took hers.</p> + +<p>She made no attempt to draw it away, and we walked so. Presently I +took the hand in my other one, and this brought it across my breast. I +daresay she felt the beating of my heart.</p> + +<p>"Kitty," I whispered.</p> + +<p>She pressed against me a little.</p> + +<p>I don't think it ever entered her head that I intended anything but +just that we should walk, for that one night, round Lincoln's Inn +Fields like this. I don't believe she thought of anything. With even +that heel and paring of love she was content—just to walk so, +to-morrow if it was to be, if not then at any rate to-night, with her +hand in a man's and her shoulder pressing lightly against a man's +shoulder.</p> + +<p>Well, she had it.</p> + +<p>"Kitty," I whispered again. This was in a dark shadow on the south +side of the Fields. Without prearrangement we had ceased to walk, and +were standing together, she with her face turned downwards and away, +quite ready to give me all she supposed I wanted of her.</p> + +<p>She couldn't murmur my name in return. She<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> didn't know it. It was, +for her, merely "Man." But instead she gave me that for which I +stooped over her. She gave it with a heartrending impulsiveness +throwing back her head suddenly and leaning her bosom on mine. I felt +a pair of dry, slightly cracked lips on my own and was conscious of an +odour of clothes.... Then we separated again.</p> + +<p>"Oh," she said, with a shaky little exhalation of her breath, "I ... I +didn't think you'd ever look at me—Jeff!"</p> + +<p>This last was a quick invention, to cover her ignorance of my +Christian name.</p> + +<p>She meant that she hadn't thought that anybody would ever look at her. +Every shred of the old pretence of the pertinacities and annoyances of +strangers had fallen from her. She lifted up her face again—and +again—as if by present gluttony to forestall insatiable hungers of +the morrow and the morrow after that.</p> + +<p>For a minute I was well-nigh resolved out of sheer compassion to keep +my word and marry her.</p> + +<p>And even then—think of it!—she had no idea that I contemplated what +was, indeed, my sole reason for action—an acknowledged engagement. +She never dreamed I meant to marry her. It was I who spoke of this, +half-an-hour later. By that time we had been to the bottom of Chancery +Lane and back, and were in the Fields again, once more in that same<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> +shadow where I had kissed her first. She looked at me.</p> + +<p>I can hardly write it. There was first a gleam of fear in her eyes, +and then a leaping.</p> + +<p>"<i>Jeff!</i>" she cried in a loud voice that cracked.</p> + +<p>I had to catch her as she began slowly to sink at the knees.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>So I became engaged. At the college it was a nine days' wonder, but I +let them wonder. So did Kitty Windus, merely pretending that the thing +had been for long a secret understanding. Archie, I remember, smirked +through some form of congratulation when I told him: "What, <i>not</i> +Louie after all!" but it was only when Evie Soames flung her arms +about Kitty Windus' neck and well-nigh about mine also that I began +really to wonder what could possibly come of it all.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>III</h3> + +<p>During those little pauses and lapses of study in which men scribble +abstractedly on the margins of paper, idly forming letters or +noughts-and-crosses or inexpert attempts at portraiture, I myself had +a way of filling my blanks at that time that may serve to explain the +change that had more and more come over me. I used to rub with a +pencil, as evenly as possible, two little squares of grey, and then to +put into the middle of the first of them a spot as black as my pencil +could make it, leaving in the second a similar spot, but one of clean +white. Unless you have tried it you may not believe the difference in +effect. The black spot of the first seems to make denser and darker +the whole square; but the white one lightens and relieves it as the +sun does when it struggles through a mist. By what law of optics this +is to be explained I cannot tell; I can only say that if Kitty Windus, +wondering what I studied all by myself in the senior classroom, had +come upon me at these times, she would have found me pondering over +these marginal trifles as in some way a symbol of my own life.</p> + +<p>For had it not been for this gloomy blot of my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> betrothal to her I +would not now have exchanged my life for that of any man I knew. So +did hope now irradiate it. I was still an eighteen-shilling Agency +clerk; I still lived in a red and green loft over a public-house; but +I now believed in myself, longed to be able to respect myself, and had +already grimly resolved that others should respect me.</p> + +<p>I was in this state of mind when I first set eyes on Angela Soames.</p> + +<p>I was taken there, of course—to Woburn Place, I mean—by Kitty +Windus. It was within a week of our engagement, so that I had not to +wait long for these first-fruits of my extraordinary position. That +night was the second time I walked with Evie to her abode, for Archie +followed a few yards behind with Kitty Windus. We had dropped into +this arrangement on leaving the college, as men tacitly pay each +other's partners the courtesy of their attentions.</p> + +<p>When I have said that Evie's home was in Woburn Place I have gone a +long way towards describing it. She lived in one of those large +apartment houses that are full of Japanese, Americans, and Indian law +students, with a half-pay officer here and there. She and her aunt had +rooms of their own upstairs, but they dined in the large common +dining-room downstairs, at a table that would almost have resembled +that of a public dinner had it not been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> for the gaps left by the +absent boarders, several of whom were always dining elsewhere. I never +saw that table full. I have tried to carry on a conversation with my +neighbour across two intervening empty chairs. I have had to accept +the highly polished civilities of Indians and Japanese, who have +refused to disturb me when I have removed a rolled napkin in a +numbered ring and put a flat and freshly ironed one in its place. One +met niggers and gouty subjects and antiquated old ladies in the hall +and on the stairs; and I was quite prepared to find Miss Soames the +aunt one of these last.</p> + +<p>But she was not in the least so. There was not very much more +difference between her age and my own than there was between mine and +Evie's—though of course what difference there was was all on the +wrong side. She was, I should say, forty-three or four, and I wondered +the moment I saw her how she had got through these forty odd years and +remained Miss Angela. Let me say at once that she had no secret sorrow +(though Kitty always vowed she had). When, later, she told me, with +the greatest self-pluming in the world, that she "could have been +married" more than once or twice, she told me nothing I should not +have guessed; but merely to have had these opportunities seemed +entirely to content her detached and unruffled and rather aimless +soul. She had had the refusal of them—and she coquetted<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> with that. +She had avoided the pains of marriage—and remained the white-haired +<i>ingenué</i>. It later became one of Kitty's irritating tricks to "wish +she had hair like that"—a beautiful tower of it dressed <i>ą la +Marquise</i>; but in nothing else could Kitty ever have resembled Angela +Soames.... But perhaps I may be wrong in my estimate after all. +Perhaps no man can really understand that kind of woman, who cannot +lose all herself even when she marries and loses not very much less +when she does not. Evie, I concluded, probably had her passion for +abandonment from her mother.</p> + +<p>I was introduced to the elder Miss Soames in her sitting-room. This +apartment, like herself, seemed to trail even into Woburn Place hems +and fringes of past prosperity. The room itself was not much more than +a cold-blue-papered, corniceless box—but, as the first of a number of +odd little contrasts, a shield-shaped embroidered firescreen hung on a +slender stem near the fire. The door was painted yellow and +grained—but a pair of handsome silver candlesticks stood on the +mantelpiece. There was a threadbare lodging-house carpet—and a black +bear-skin hearthrug, the head of the animal worn bald by Miss Angela's +paste-buckled slipper. And so on. On the round table stood a +rosy-shaded lamp (that did <i>not</i> change to a corresponding shade of +green as you looked). Miss Angela herself wore a soft old grey<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> with a +thin Indian silk shawl cast over her shoulders, and I remembered, as I +looked at her, certain former angry conclusions I had come to about +her. I took them all back. Charmingly unsure of herself in everything, +from her love affairs downwards, she might be, but she did not parrot +precepts about the "less fortunately circumstanced." We shook hands, +and I was told that I might smoke. Archie had come in smoking.</p> + +<p>I did not talk very much during this my first call. Indeed, Miss +Angela murmured, as if to herself, some half-mischievous, half-tactful +remark about an "ordeal"; and my slight nervousness passed as part of +Kitty's "showing off" of me. But the others made up for me, and I +listened, smiling, but silent except when I was directly addressed.</p> + +<p>This I presently was by Miss Angela, and on a point no less +interesting than the way in which Archie spent his evenings. It had +already appeared that he was to celebrate a birthday two days thence, +and Miss Angela had asked him to spend the evening with them.</p> + +<p>"You've given us a very cold shoulder lately," she said; "why, your +mother's been remarking on it!" She pulled a faded tapestry hassock +towards her with her foot, the fire being too hot to allow her to make +use of the bear's head, and reached for a paper fan with which to keep +the heat from her face. "I hope it's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> not <i>you</i> who take up all his +time, Mr Jeffries?"</p> + +<p>I answered that it was not, and Evie, who had removed her hat and coat +and was now tidying her hair before the mantelpiece mirror, laughed.</p> + +<p>"Mr Jeffries' time is spoken for now—isn't it, Kitty?" she said.</p> + +<p>I saw her look at Archie as she said it. He was astride the hearthrug, +allowing the smoke of his cigarette to stream up his nostrils, and +she, as she arranged her hair, had to look at herself almost over his +shoulder. Her occupation left the whole of her young bosom quite +defenceless had there been a pair of arms to pass about it, and the +soft look she gave him was a double provocation. But he did not return +the look. He moved a little aside, also finding the fire hot, and +flipped his cigarette ash into the fender.</p> + +<p>"I don't think an engaged girl ought to come between a man and all his +old friends," Kitty pronounced. Her look at me was a promise that she +would never come between me and Archie.</p> + +<p>Miss Angela gave a contented little laugh.</p> + +<p>"Ah, you all say that at first! Well...." She glanced past Evie at me, +and took me into her confidence with a private smile. It was as if we +two older ones understood that there was something in process that +must not be disturbed. "But if you don't come, Archie," she added, "I +shall write<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> straight to your mother! You'll come too, Miss Windus?"</p> + +<p>Kitty glanced at me.</p> + +<p>"Oh, of course I mean Mr Jeffries too!" said Miss Angela archly.</p> + +<p>"Oh, of course him too!" quoth Archie, from the hearthrug, loosening +his scorching trousers. "Two hearts that beat as one—you +bet—twopence into a penny show <i>now</i>, Jeff!"</p> + +<p>And again Miss Angela, with a look this time past him, seemed to +invite my attention to something.</p> + +<p>You may guess that my attention needed little inviting. So far, my +surmise, that she adored him while she took the admiration a little +impatiently, seemed to be pretty near the mark; and I was confirmed in +this when she presently sat down on the companion hassock beyond the +end of the fender, and, with her face a little averted, sank into +moroseness. It was merely because her glance as she stood before the +mirror had not been returned, but I myself had known too well what it +was to be uplifted and cast down again by these nothings not to +understand.</p> + +<p>And Archie too understood, if the jocular and would-be easy manner in +which he tried to drag her into the conversation again meant anything. +I suspected that this was not the first incident of the kind that had +occurred between them. Presently he had twice addressed her directly +without getting more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> than the shortest of replies; and the third time +he did so (he, Kitty and Miss Angela had been talking about some +indifferent matter) he added the words, "that is, when Evie's found +her tongue again."</p> + +<p>My darling had a temper of her own. "I didn't know I'd lost it," she +said, with a little perverse snap.</p> + +<p>Then she dropped into her sulks again.</p> + +<p>"These lovers' quarrels!" Miss Angela's private smile to me seemed to +say; but this time I evaded the discreet invitation to participate.</p> + +<p>"Well," Archie said presently, looking at his watch, "I must be off; +I've a chap to meet. Thanks, Aunt Angela (beg pardon; I know you don't +like being called that). I'll come on Thursday, then."</p> + +<p>But Miss Angela exclaimed: "A man to meet! At this hour!"</p> + +<p>Archie took his hat from a chair. "Yes. About a dog. Why not? Fox +terrier," he added facetiously; "must make sure they've got over the +distemper, you know. Thursday then. You two are staying a bit, I +suppose?" he invited us.</p> + +<p>He made his adieux; but almost before the door had closed behind him +Evie had risen from her hassock.</p> + +<p>"You'll excuse me, won't you?" she said quickly. "I've got a headache. +I shall go straight to bed. Good-night."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> + +<p>And she followed him out—whether straight to bed or not I don't know. +Kitty and I followed shortly afterwards.</p> + +<p>And now that I've got to this Woburn Place portion of my story I may +as well, while I am about it, skip the two intervening days and come +to the evening of Archie Merridew's birthday.</p> + +<p>Thursday was not in any case one of Evie's class evenings, and on that +Thursday she must have been very busy indeed. We were to go to supper +at eight; and as the routine of the boarding house did not provide for +private entertainments the aunt and niece had had all to do +themselves. The supper was therefore of necessity cold, with the +exception of some hot soup, which I suspect to have been heated over a +bedroom fire; and for the furnishing of the round table with the +pink-shaded lamp Miss Angela had rummaged in drawers and trunks and +bundles, with notable results. White heavy plates with the name of the +boarding house contained within an oval garter were set between common +knives and delicate and worn old silver forks and spoons, really +beautiful glass finger-bowls stood on straw mats with a circular hole +in the middle; and a long slender-handled punch-ladle stuck up out of +the cheap earthenware jug full of home-made lemonade.</p> + +<p>I suspect, too, that Evie had changed her mind a dozen times about the +height of her dress at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> neck; and probably her aunt's guidance had +led her finally, since she had no special dress for the evening, to +reject the compromise of altering her blouse to an intermediate <b>V</b>. Her +dark hair had been newly washed. A softer lace than Kitty Windus' came +quite up to her ears, and Miss Angela had lent her a pearl ring, which +seemed to be mutely asking to be transferred to the finger next to the +one on which she wore it. She was in white, with a longer skirt than +usual; Miss Angela wore the old grey and Indian silk shawl she always +wore; and Kitty looked prettier than I have ever seen her in a spotted +blue foulard (I think I have that right) with wonderfully crimped +sleeves and a cameo brooch at her rather wiry throat.</p> + +<p>She and I arrived before Archie, who, indeed, was a full quarter of an +hour late. When he did turn up, there mingled with his apologies the +bumptious assumption of ease with which he sought to make a joke of +his negligence. He came in noisily, as if he intended to make the +party a success out of hand; and before he had been in the room +half-a-minute a whiff told me what I had instantly surmised from the +brightness of his eyes—that he had been drinking sherry and bitters +already.</p> + +<p>"Thanks, Aunt Angela—but that's not all, I hope!" he cried, as Miss +Angela wished him many happy returns of the day.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<p>And he skipped to her, passed his arm about her waist, and kissed her.</p> + +<p>"Hope you won't mind for once, Jeff," he went on, dancing to Kitty +Windus. Kitty both stiffened rigidly and flushed with excitement as he +kissed her also on the cheek-bone.</p> + +<p>"Here—I'm going all round now—where's Evie?" he demanded.</p> + +<p>But Evie had slipped out of the room.</p> + +<p>We sat down to supper.</p> + +<p>I found Archie insufferable. He made the whole running with an +ignorant egotism that caused my fingers to itch to box his ears. More +than once he contradicted Miss Angela flatly, instantly trying to +redeem the grossness by laughing loudly and crying, "Excuse my +frankness—no offence—only Archie's way!" He made so familiar both +with Kitty and myself that, out of mere hostility to him, I came very +near to an alliance with her. Evie, I saw, was miserable. How much she +knew about his habits I could only guess; I think that already she +knew more than a little; but his had been the fortune to reveal her to +herself, and I am not sure whether that ever wholly dies. I think it +has since died as much as ever it can.</p> + +<p>"But," Miss Angela said by-and-by, seeking to quieten him, "I've +forgotten to ask you how your father is. Better, I hope?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> + +<p>"The pater? Oh, he's all right; it's only a bilious attack. Afraid he +got poisoned with some <i>foie gras</i> he ate—jolly good tack <i>I</i> call +it—I'll have some more, please. And what's that you've got to drink +there, Evie?"</p> + +<p>Evie poured him out some lemonade. He looked at it, but made no remark +on it.</p> + +<p>"Here's your <i>foie gras</i>—have some cress with it," said Miss Angela.</p> + +<p>And so we fźted his lordship.</p> + +<p>After supper there were nuts and almonds, which we ate sitting round +the fire. I say "we," but Archie had what was left afterwards. With a +"Half-a-mo," he had gone out, and I myself thought our party much +pleasanter without him.</p> + +<p>But as he remained away, Miss Angela had no choice but to say +presently: "What <i>can</i> have become of our young man? I wonder if you'd +mind fetching him, Mr Jeffries!"</p> + +<p>I went, and found him.</p> + +<p>He had picked up, on the stairs or in the hall, a Japanese with whom +he had contracted some sort of acquaintance, and I heard his call as I +passed the half-open door of the dining-room.</p> + +<p>"Here—Jeff!" he called. "Hold on—I sha'n't be a minute—come and let +me introduce you to Mr Shoto—Mr Shoto, Mr Jeffries."</p> + +<p>I distrust that too affable little race from the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> other side of the +world, and I gave Mr Shoto the most perfunctory of nods. Archie was +having a very golden whisky and soda with him.</p> + +<p>"Come along—you oughtn't to clear off like this," I said curtly. +"Miss Soames is asking for you."</p> + +<p>"All right—good old Angela—just a minute till I finish this. We were +talking about Japan, or rather Mr Shoto was. Tell him that about the +Yoshiwara, Shoto."</p> + +<p>But that cunning little alien had evidently summed me up already, and +had a different choice of subject for me.</p> + +<p>I haled Archie back. I wondered, as he sat down by Evie, whether he +would have another man about another dog to see presently, but he +hadn't. Magnanimously he gave us the whole of the rest of the evening. +This he did in spite of the cold encouragement he got from Evie. +Twice, I was certain, while his face did not cease to be animated with +the talk he gave the rest of us, his hand sought hers behind the arm +of his chair; but she drew away. Nevertheless she drew away +discreetly. By doing so openly she could have shown him up, but +evidently she did not wish to show him up. There was no irreconcilable +difference between them. She was angry, but not to the point of +refusing to make it up afterwards. And I knew she was not far from +unhappy tears.</p> + +<p>Kitty and I were the first to leave. This was at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> half-past eleven, +and I had no desire to outsit Archie. He would either leave in another +half-hour, which would leave him time for another golden whisky and +soda, or, setting the smoothing over of Evie's ruffled temper before +the attractions of the public-house, would linger till after +closing-time, when there would be no hurry. To see which alternative +he would take didn't on the whole seem to be worth waiting for.</p> + +<p>So Kitty and I took our leave; and as I walked with her to Percy +Street—where she had two rooms over a modiste's—I—and she too—had +to suffer as best we might the kind of thing I will relate in the next +chapter.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>IV</h3> + +<p>From the beginning she wanted one thing, I another. She was prepared +to "love" me (as if it had been a matter of will, to which, +nevertheless, I am quite certain she would faithfully have adhered) on +the condition that that heart of hers should be no longer a parched +pod; but I wanted no more of her than that my name should be linked +with hers as that of her suitor. To me the appearance was the +indispensable thing; she wanted the substance. And she was already +plaguing me for it.</p> + +<p>God knows I gave her what I could give. Afterwards, when all was over, +she still had the memory of it. I hope she found comfort in it.</p> + +<p>For of course it was precisely over that which was Evie's, and which I +was resolved to keep for Evie, that we were locked in a grapple. She +lisped and besought and cajoled. Before I began sometimes utterly to +forget that we were betrothed at all I could often have groaned aloud +at her inexpert playfulness; and I doubt whether the wit of man could +have devised a more acute torture than that which I now began to +undergo at her unsuspecting hands.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<p>For Archie's birthday was early in March, and already the crocuses +were out, and the barrows in the streets were so aflame with daffodils +that the flowers almost illuminated the faces of the sellers of them. +It was still cold and backward, but the days were long past the turn, +and while single twigs were still of a wintry iron hue, in the mass +they took a softness, and the vistas of the parks had perceptibly +changed. In the streets of the wealthy in which I walked the +house-painters were at work, painting doors and railings and +window-boxes; and even at my King's Cross corner the railway +companies' announcements told of the coming summer. Spring was +breaking in London—spring, the merry time of the year—spring, when +lovers cannot keep asunder—and when Kitty and myself could not, yet +must, keep asunder.</p> + +<p>In the streets I knew I was fairly safe. Her hand on my sleeve filled +me with no repugnance. Let me, for example, tell you of our walk back +to Percy Street on that night of Archie's birthday-party.</p> + +<p>As we crossed Tottenham Court Road she slipped her hand into my +overcoat pocket, and my own encountered it there. It held it. It +retained it along dark Percy Street, and still retained it when we +stopped together at the side door next the window with the two +fly-blown hats on pedestals that formed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> the whole of the modiste's +display. There I would have left her; but "Don't go just yet, Jeff," +she begged; "just eentie walk?"</p> + +<p>"Well, a short one," I said.</p> + +<p>We turned up Fitzroy Street into the Marylebone Road, but I was wary +of the dark empty spaces about Regent's Park. The streets and the +crowds for me. Indeed I may say that during this period of our +"walking out" no couple in London sought solitude as I sought to avoid +it; and I resolutely suppressed the thought of what was going to +happen when the warm days should come and she should ask me to take +her to Richmond or Epping or Kew. It was no good meeting that horror +half way.</p> + +<p>Therefore. "Well," I said, as we approached Portland Road Station +again, "hadn't we better be turning? It's getting late."</p> + +<p>"I suppose so," she sighed reluctantly, with a pressure of my arm. +"Let's go this way."</p> + +<p>She indicated one of the darker side streets. We took it.</p> + +<p>By-and-by we stood by the modiste's window again. That is not a very +reputable neighbourhood, and as she stood there, lingering out our +talk to the thinnest of excuses, I guessed what was in her mind. But +the general environment of laxity only produced a primness in her. In +being all that she should be, she was sometimes a good deal more. +Still, there<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> was no harm in dallying with a secret thought.</p> + +<p>But under all circumstances she ever displayed a sort of tempted +prudishness.</p> + +<p>"You and Evie and Miss Soames must come in one Sunday and have tea +with me," she said resignedly at last, allowing the thought that some +day I might go up with her to recede.</p> + +<p>"That will be charming," I replied.</p> + +<p>Then she sighed. "It has been so lovely tonight!"</p> + +<p>"In what way?" I asked, forcing a smile.</p> + +<p>"Archie was horrid, and you, Jeff——"</p> + +<p>Yes, I remembered that hostility to Archie certainly had resulted in a +<i>rapprochement</i> between ourselves.</p> + +<p>"Well," she said at last, lifting her face, "good-night, dearest—I +know who <i>I</i> shall dream of!"</p> + +<p>I kissed her, heard the sound of her key in the lock, and, turning, +saw her little face still looking through the half-closed door after +me. I returned to King's Cross by way of Woburn Place, but there was +only a glimmer of light within the fanlight of Evie's dwelling as I +passed. Perhaps Archie had chosen the whisky and soda after all.</p> + +<p>I soon saw that only by means of a studied unemotionalness should I be +able for long to head her off from the things she sought; and I set +about the creation of this atmosphere without loss of time. In this I +found my far-reaching ambition useful to me;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> I had simply to be +preoccupied with business to be spared much. I had not to play this +part. I actually was a ferment of new plans. That my absorbing +ambition was all for her sake was allowed to pass as understood. And +when she began to make touching attempts to be interested in my +affairs, I, lest a worse thing should befall me, encouraged her. I +talked fully and freely, knowing that I ran no more risk of betrayal +than Napoleon did when he laid before a Russian peasant woman +unacquainted with French the plan of campaign he feared to trust to +his own staff. This I did as the almonds pushed forth their pink, and +the plane-trees budded, and the building birds sang loudly. Once she +called me her building bird.</p> + +<p>I had had to tell her, vaguely, about my employment; and I was also +vague about where I lived. Here her own tempted timorousness helped +me. It was not difficult for me to be stern about the proprieties, and +indeed, as she saw this, and began to feel perfectly safe with me, she +even affected a liberality of thought. "Why not?" she would sometimes +ask almost defiantly; "why not see one another in our own places—if +there was nothing horrid?"</p> + +<p>And for that I usually found a surprised stare answer enough.</p> + +<p>But the hunger was on her, and I had to give her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> morsels. That was a +haggard horror. It was the more horrible that her vanities always +turned on the things of which she had the least reason to be vain. As +an affectionate and devoted and dull spinster my heart was often soft +to her; but her coquetries would have made an angel groan. For +example: her hands were not remarkably pretty; her fingers had almost +the pinkness, and a little of the shape, of the smaller claws of a +freshly boiled crab; but she gave them no rest from display. I was +sometimes commanded, with a vapid imperiousness, to make much of them. +And once, on a seat on the Embankment, she yielded to a temptation +never far removed from her. It was at night; unnoticed, a portion of +her hair had shaken loose; and, suddenly becoming aware of this, and +doubtless with some idea of maddening me with the thought of something +prohibited, she put up her hands, shook down the short mass on her +shoulders, and grimaced at me. The next day she begged, with a shamed +face, that I would try to forget this sin in her—for apparently she +had intended it as sin; but I had nothing to forget. All that I +remembered was the contrast, as she had put the hair up again, between +the bosom under her uplifted arms and that other bosom from which +Archie Merridew had turned away as Evie had stood before the +mantelpiece mirror in Woburn Place.</p> + +<p>Her dwelling, which I first visited with Evie and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> her aunt, was on +the first floor of the modiste's at the back. Her sleeping apartment I +never saw; and of her sitting-room I have no very clear memory now. +There was a penny-in-the-slot gas-meter on the landing, I remember, +and the floor of the room into which one walked was covered with a +greenish jute "art square," with the wide spaces of bare boarding +about it stained with Condy's Fluid. The previous occupant had left on +the walls a "French boudoir" paper with a pattern of thin vertical +lines and tiny garlands of pink rosebuds (Kitty had cleaned it with +dough on taking possession). The furniture was scanty, with a good +deal of muslin about it, and a sewing-machine stood in the back +window, which looked over a restaurant yard. When she had more than +two visitors at once she had to fetch an extra chair from her bedroom, +and from the sound her heels made at these times I gathered that that +room was uncarpeted.</p> + +<p>As by quickening degrees she began to accept her unlooked-for +situation more as a matter of course, her thoughts naturally turned to +the future and that I found to involve her whole attitude to Life. The +things we were to do "when we were married" were dictated by the +narrowness of her outlook. She had about a pound a week of her own +money, I don't know exactly where from, but I think from some tramways +Edgbaston way, and this sum, together with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> whatever she might be able +to earn for herself, was practically the limit of her conception of +any income she was ever likely to have. From the stories she told me +of her earlier years I gathered that she came from a social stratum in +which the men are lords indeed, sometimes "in work," sometimes "out," +and apparently content during these last vicissitudes to be dependent +on their wives or sisters or mothers. It seemed to me such a pitiful +little world, of milliners, lodging-house keepers, music-mistresses, +fancy needlewomen and daughters in offices; and I was given the +corresponding male standing. As with the men her cousins (her nearest +relatives) had married, if I should ever happen to earn money, well +and good; if not, so much the worse. She reckoned only on her weekly +pound and her own efforts. And as I learned that Cousin Alf and Cousin +Frank were boundlessly optimistic, and looked forward to a future no +less bright than that of which I felt the certitude within me, I soon +discovered that I was merely indulged in what in her heart she set +down as vapourings. It was the woman who, in her experience, "kept the +home together," and she was prepared to keep me.</p> + +<p>"Well," I laughed, "I daresay I shall learn to pare the potatoes as +well as Cousin Alf in time."</p> + +<p>But she smiled a sad, wise little smile. I might joke, but she knew.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> + +<p>"And it's just possible that some time or other I may make a pound or +two," I said, smiling back.</p> + +<p>"There'll be your clothes and pocket-money," she replied.</p> + +<p>So I was to be kept—kept by virtue of my masculinity, as one keeps a +dog to bark. I was to be kept, I divined, somewhere in a suburb, in a +house the smallness of the rent of which would be exactly balanced by +the increased cost of the season ticket that would take me daily to my +work, when I was "in." Even when I was "out" I was to be treated with +a nice consideration, for she "never had liked to see Frank washing +up—it looked so unmanly," but as she said nothing about cleaning +boots or fetching coals, these things apparently were not unmanly. And +I wondered whether the Alfs and Franks were more numerous than I had +thought, or were becoming so. Small wonder their women treated them +with almost contemptuous tolerance, blazing out once in a while into a +row. And I now see that in this sense I wronged Kitty when I said she +was one of Life's takers. There are always two sides to a thing, and +on this side she wanted nothing but to give.</p> + +<p>But, willing as she was to do all this in the future, I soon +discovered that she wanted her small solatium in the present. In the +matter of little treats and outings I did not compare very favourably +even with her Franks and Alfs. As you know, I simply had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> not the +necessary shillings. And so I began (I knew) to appear "near" and +"close" to her. One Friday evening, as we left the college together, +she allowed as much to be seen.</p> + +<p>"Jeff," she said suddenly, as we approached the corner by the Oxford +together, "do you know, you've never taken me to a theatre yet!"</p> + +<p>Personally I have never greatly cared for the theatre; but it happened +that I had spoken to her once or twice rather off-handedly that +evening, and was not unwilling to make amends. Besides, the theatre +might save a walk in Hyde Park. I pumped up a vivacity.</p> + +<p>"No more I have," I replied. "Good idea. It's too late to go to-night, +but we might have a walk round and see what's on."</p> + +<p>She fell in with the suggestion gleefully, and we walked down Charing +Cross Road and Shaftesbury Avenue, looking at theatre announcements as +we went. At the Circus we turned along Coventry Street, and presently +found ourselves opposite the Prince of Wales'. I think it was <i>La +Poupee</i> that was running there; if it wasn't it was some other piece +that seemed light; and as I like, when I do go to the theatre, to be +amused rather than instructed, I plumped for <i>La Poupee</i> as against +Kitty's suggestion—some stern and ennobling tragedy. I had drawn my +week's money that evening. It would be a sorry business if,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> with all +those years of Alfing and Franking before me, I could not once in a +while spare five shillings out of my eighteen; and so we elected for +<i>La Poupee</i> for the following evening.</p> + +<p>We went. We waited for perhaps two hours outside the pit door, but, as +Kitty said when at last we did get inside, our places were worth it. +When we were married, she said, we ought to be able to afford at least +one theatre a month—she didn't in the least mind going to the +gallery—and it would be something to think about for the next month. +She didn't intend, when we were married, to get rusty. We were going +to have our little outings like other married people, and if I +continued, when we were married, to like light things and she serious +pieces, we would choose in turn. And so on. I only half heard. I was +spreading my remaining ten shillings over the week to come—ten +shillings, mark you, not thirteen, for I had had to buy Kitty a ring, +for which I was paying at the rate of three shillings a week.</p> + +<p>Nothing happened at that performance of <i>La Poupee</i>. I am merely +telling you this in order that you may see exactly how we stood, not +at the crisis of our lives, but during the intervening stretches. I +added to the problem of the coming week by giving a shilling for a box +of chocolates, and no extravagance I have ever committed brought me a +richer return than Kitty's look of pleasure. I suppose that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> really +this was all that was demanded of Alf and Frank—a trifling, +unexpected superfluity once in a while. Lucky fellows! I, however, was +neither a Frank nor an Alf, my dreams were not the mere beguilings of +an idleness; and neither during my courtship (my real one, I mean) nor +thereafter was I going, in any woman's heart, to lord it on so +little.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>V</h3> + +<p>I remember the Sunday on which Evie, Miss Angela and I first took tea +with Kitty Windus for two reasons. The first was that Miss Angela, who +at first had begged to be excused, had come after all (knocking on the +head my plan of walking back with Evie alone). And the second was +Kitty's asking me to remain behind after the others had taken their +departure.</p> + +<p>We had gone at four o'clock; and even as the three of us had walked +towards Percy Street together (I had picked the others up on my way) I +had wondered what had suddenly come over Evie. She had seemed pale and +jumpy and morose, and had scarcely spoken a word during the whole of +our walk. Nor had she said very much more as we had eaten the hot +muffins and drunk the tea Kitty had provided. Indeed, the greater part +of the talk had been between Miss Angela and myself, and even that had +languished.</p> + +<p>Then suddenly Miss Angela had said something that had, I thought, +explained matters. Archie's father, whose illness Miss Angela had +asked about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> on the evening of the birthday-party, had taken a sudden +turn for the worse, and Archie had been summoned to Guildford the day +before.</p> + +<p>"Well, we must hope for the best," Miss Angela had concluded. "There's +no need to begin moping yet, child——"</p> + +<p>Miss Angela also had jumped at my own explanation of Evie's +moodiness—that now that Archie was in trouble his misdoings were +forgotten.</p> + +<p>I was to learn my error half-an-hour later, when Evie and her aunt +rose to depart.</p> + +<p>I, of course, had intended to leave with them; but as I held the door +open for them to pass out Kitty said: "You stay for a few minutes, +Jeff; I've something to tell you.... Good-bye, Evie dear. I do hope +your cold will soon be well, Miss Soames——"</p> + +<p>And she waved her hand to them as they passed down the stairs.</p> + +<p>I swore under my breath, but there was no help for it. I followed +Kitty back into her sitting-room. She crossed to the fireplace and +sank into a canvas deck-chair with her back to the sewing-machine. I +remained standing, with my hat in my hand, at the other corner of the +mantelpiece.</p> + +<p>She had allowed her head to fall back against the sagging canvas, and +had closed her eyes.</p> + +<p>"Sit down," she said, without opening her eyes,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> and, wondering what +was wrong, I reached for her bedroom chair and sat down.</p> + +<p>"What's the matter?" I asked, a little alarmed already, though I knew +not why. I wondered if anything had been discovered about myself. +There were, as you know, plenty of such things to discover.</p> + +<p>Her eyes still remained closed, but her head fell a little on one +side. It was not until I had asked her again what was the matter that +she spoke.</p> + +<p>"It's—it's dreadful!" she moaned. "I—I can see you haven't +heard——"</p> + +<p>"What is? Come, come!" I said, with some concern but more impatience. +"No, I've not heard anything to take on like this about—unless you +mean something about Archie's father?..."</p> + +<p>"No, it's nothing to do with Archie's father. Oh, I can't possibly +tell you, Jeff——"</p> + +<p>It was on the tip of my tongue to say that in that case it was of +little use my remaining; but she went on.</p> + +<p>"Just a minute," she said. "You haven't heard ... about Louie +Causton?"</p> + +<p>I was certainly surprised. You will remember that I had not set eyes +on Miss Causton since the evening of the breaking-up party, when she +had danced twice round the room with me, sought me out again +subsequently, and told me what the result<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> had since falsified—that +she was returning to the college in the new term.</p> + +<p>"No," I said abruptly. "What about her? Nothing wrong, I hope?"</p> + +<p>But she only sobbed, "Oh, Jeff!" and with her eyes still closed put +out a helpless hand.</p> + +<p>I had to approach and take the hand before I learned what the mystery +was. I don't know whether you have already guessed it. I hadn't, but +for all that my surprise, great as it was, passed even in the moment +of Kitty's broken whispering in my ear. I had known Louie Causton for +a deep, still pool; I don't think any revelation whatever could have +added to my respect for her powers of irony and nonchalance; and yet +when I say that my surprise passed it passed only to return. Good +gracious!... I seemed to hear her carefully lackadaisical voice again +as she had munched nougat: "So long since I've seen a man, my dear" +... and other circumstances, unmarked at the time, flashed on me now.</p> + +<p>A child!</p> + +<p>"Good gracious!" I breathed again in consternation.</p> + +<p>My next thought was of Evie.</p> + +<p>I was kneeling by Kitty's chair, holding her hand. I asked quickly:</p> + +<p>"Does Evie know of this?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"And does she know you're telling me?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"And of course Miss Soames does not know?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"She thinks as I thought, that it's about Archie's father Evie's so +upset?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; but perhaps she is about that too a little. I'm horribly upset, +Jeff."</p> + +<p>This last I took as a hint that the effect of this very startling +intelligence on Evie was not the first thing to be considered.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes.... I see...." I murmured.</p> + +<p>We were silent, and I felt Kitty's fingers move within my grasp. They +pressed mine more closely.</p> + +<p>"Don't leave me just yet, Jeff," she begged faintly. She was genuinely +prostrated.</p> + +<p>"No, no," I said. "Let me think for a minute...."</p> + +<p>The next moment my brain was buzzing with thought.</p> + +<p>I knew that only some such contact with plain raw actuality as this +had been lacking in order to make Evie's transition from girlhood to +womanhood complete. No longer now was she the fair young tree standing +over its sprinkling of delicate discarded sheaths; this puff of Life's +east wind had carried<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> away the last of them. She had heard of these +things, and so in a sense knew of them; but that somebody she knew ... +that it should have come so near ... yes, poor shocked heart, that +finished it. Archie's insupportable vanities had begun her +enlightenment; the menace of his father's condition had touched her +with the fringe of its shadow; and now this revelation had come upon +her.</p> + +<p>Mr Merridew's illness, moreover, had a plainly seen peril for me. I +knew that if anything happened Archie would immediately have enough +money to marry on, and my own labours—all that I had planned and done +from the first moment of my loving her to this present hour when I sat +in Kitty Windus' back room holding Kitty's hand—would go for nothing. +They, Evie and Archie, would probably marry, and I—I knew this in +that moment for a certainty—I, from sheer yielding, should find +myself married to Kitty Windus the moment I could scrape the money +together.</p> + +<p>I gave a soft groan. I don't know whether Kitty supposed my groan the +commiseration for Louie Causton.</p> + +<p>Yet what else, if I had chosen a different line, could I have done? +Nothing! My shrinking heart cried, Nothing! What was I to have spoken +to a young girl of marriage? An Agency clerk—with dazzling hopes! A +dweller over a sordid public-house—and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> a dreamer of visions! The +possessor of a single suit of presentable clothes, the knees of which +I was even now deteriorating past remedy—and of a heart tapestried +with purple and gold, filled with an almost insensate ambition!</p> + +<p>And I saw Evie only at all on the well-nigh insupportable footing that +I was the betrothed of Kitty Windus!</p> + +<p>Oh, if I had but had two suits of clothes, and thirty-six shillings a +week instead of eighteen shillings, I think I would have cut the knot +there and then and have sought Evie out that very night and asked her +to marry me!</p> + +<p>Then after a time I became more practical. Things, even the +heart-breaking small things of my life, were after all slowly +changing. One of these things was that my slavery at Rixon Tebb & +Masters' was already promising to draw to a close. I have not yet +spoken of this. Let me do so, briefly, now.</p> + +<p>Once more I had been looking for a billet elsewhere, and this time I +had excellent hopes of success. The post for which I had applied would +not be vacant for six weeks yet, but I had forced a personal interview +with one of my prospective employers, and had done what I had intended +to do—impressed him strongly with a sense of my mental capacity. He +had promised me his interest, and, unless he forgot it again (which, +of course, was not impossible),<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> I might have at least enough for one +to live on before long. And once more my wider hopes were, I knew in +my soul, not illusions. Soon there would remain only the bond that +tied me to Kitty, and, with that broken, I would no longer envy even +Archie Merridew that luck and weak charm of his that in the past had +so often seemed more valuable than all I possessed.</p> + +<p>But Kitty, lying back in her deck-chair, had opened her eyes again. +They were full of softness and fright. She spoke.</p> + +<p>"I wonder, Jeff—whether——" she said timidly and stopped.</p> + +<p>"You wonder what, Kitty?" I asked gently.</p> + +<p>"I know how strict you are—and if you say no I won't—but if I might +go and see her——"</p> + +<p>"Miss Causton?"</p> + +<p>"Not if you don't wish it, Jeff——"</p> + +<p>I considered.</p> + +<p>"Has she asked you to go?"</p> + +<p>"No—but if you wouldn't mind—very much——"</p> + +<p>It mattered little to me, but I had to pretend to ponder deeply.</p> + +<p>I really don't know whether I felt sorrow for Miss Causton or not. She +was altogether beyond my comprehension. For all I knew my sorrow might +be an impertinence. So I must seem to ponder.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Where is she?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"She's taken rooms in Putney."</p> + +<p>"Alone?" I asked, with a quick glance at Kitty.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes!... Until June or July, that is——"</p> + +<p>"It is then that she expects——"</p> + +<p>"Yes.... And I thought, Jeff, that perhaps next Saturday—we shall be +out that way——"</p> + +<p>We had arranged a little excursion for the following Saturday, the +four of us—Evie and Archie, and Kitty and myself. We were to wander +on Wimbledon Common.</p> + +<p>"I never really knew her well, Jeff, understood her, I mean," she went +on, "but after all I did see a good deal of her. It's horrible, when I +remember the things she used to say.... And—and—you've made such a +difference to me, darling—I wasn't going—to be married—before.... I +should like to go, Jeff—just once," she begged.</p> + +<p>"You wouldn't commit yourself to anything?"</p> + +<p>"Oh no!"</p> + +<p>"Does Evie want to go too?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"No. She says she couldn't bear it. She cried half last night as it +is."</p> + +<p>"Then you'd call on your way next Saturday, and meet the three of us +later?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Very well," I concluded. "You'd better go."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> + +<p>She threw her arms impulsively about my neck.</p> + +<p>Then a change came over her. I think the change began with the failure +of the supply of gas from the penny-in-the-slot meter. She had +arranged for her little party a pink tissue-paper shade about her +milky globe, an idea she had borrowed from Woburn Place; and slowly +its colour faded. I had several pennies in my pocket. Quickly I felt +for them.</p> + +<p>But she moved closer to me. I was still on my knees by her deck-chair.</p> + +<p>"Don't bother about it—just for once, Jeff," she murmured.</p> + +<p>She could do it with impunity now. After what had passed our situation +could hardly be commonplace, and our nearness was as little +compromising as nearness ever can be. She luxuriated in her little +perilous letting-go—could toy with, and yet be immune from, a danger.</p> + +<p>Slowly the gas expired, and the firelight glowed on the blue and white +check tablecloth and the disarray of tea-things upon it. On the back +wall of the restaurant yard was a square of orange light which the +shadow of a waiter's head crossed from time to time. I don't know that +with some men—Mackie, for instance—her position would have been all +she supposed it to be, but, poor heart, she had had little enough +experience from which to surmise that. And I myself could hardly be +said to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> be there at all. She lay in my arms; and in whatever false +sweet fancies she lay endrowsed she was not alone. I had my torturing +vision too. It was neither of her nor of Louie Causton, that vision. I +was trying to persuade myself that she was another than Kitty Windus.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>VI</h3> + +<p>Of our visit to Wimbledon on the following Saturday I intend to say as +little as may be. When you have read it you will not, I know, ask my +reason.</p> + +<p>Archie did not appear. This time he had cause enough. The wire which +was handed to me at Rixon Tebb & Masters' a little before Saturday +midday (Polwhele brought it to me with a look that said plainly, "What +next?") announced that his father had died during the night, and he +had despatched it from Victoria Station on his way down to Guildford. +Instantly my heart leaped.</p> + +<p>Kitty was going to see Miss Causton. If, this new tidings +notwithstanding, Evie would still keep to the engagement, I should +have an hour with her alone.</p> + +<p>I persuaded Evie to come. At first she obstinately refused, but I had +the support of Miss Angela, to whom I privately whispered the +desirability of "taking her mind off it." We left Woburn Place, the +two of us, called for Kitty, and sought the Putney 'bus. Kitty left us +at the corner of a street off the New King's Road, and Evie and I +passed on to the bridge.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<p>That was about four o'clock, and Kitty was to rejoin us near the +Windmill at an hour that would depend upon the length of her stay with +Miss Causton. She expected to be at the Windmill by five.</p> + +<p>But at five there was no sign of her, nor had she appeared by +half-past five. At a little before six I said to Evie, "She'll know +we've gone on to the nearest place to tea, and will follow us. Let's +go——"</p> + +<p>Not far from the Windmill, on the Wimbledon side, there is a sort of +small hamlet, with cottages and alleys and split-oak palings, and a +refreshment house at the end of a garden. There Evie and I had tea, +and there we sat after tea, waiting for Kitty. I talked of this and +that, all very much away from the two subjects uppermost in her heart, +and by half-past six I had given Kitty up.</p> + +<p>"She's missed us," I said. "We may happen to run across her, but it's +no good waiting here. Shall we take a turn before we go back?"</p> + +<p>We left the refreshment-room, and walked among the gorse and birches +in the direction of Queen's Mere.</p> + +<p>It was a green and amber evening, with the shadows already deepening +over Coombe Woods and the calling of homing rooks in the air. Here and +there in the glades family parties still continued to play games with +a ball that was quickly becoming<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> difficult to see, and lovers +appeared among the coppices. The blackthorn was over, and the may hung +in sprays of delicate drooping buds; and in the south-west hung the +pale sickle of the new moon. Evie and I, saying little, dropped down a +steep over-grown alley that led to the mere, and it was in a sandy +bottom at the foot of the alley that I heard a distant rasping call. +Another call followed it, and then a throaty thrilling, and then +another short series of acrid and moving calls.</p> + +<p>It was a nightingale.</p> + +<p>By the time we had reached the motionless amber-green water it had +broken into full song.</p> + +<p>I cannot tell—hitherto I have not attempted to tell—the mystery of +that eve and of the song with which it rang. I cannot speak—nor would +I if I could—of the responses that eve and that song called up in my +heart. It was, I think, for both of us as if that bird's voice cried +aloud all that we had left unuttered during the past few hours. Even +Louie Causton, even Archie's father, had their part in it. It was as +if that voice spoke of the feeble and infinitely moving wonder of +birth—of the impinging of that relentless shadow that closes all—and +of the griefs and joys and smarts and healings again of the brief +passage from that unknowing to this forgetting again. All this crowded +upon me in that exquisite agony of notes. And more came, until I could +hardly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> endure it. There was no poignancy, no utter melting and +surrender, that those importunate wellings did not give to the falling +night. The unattainable greatness of Life and our own puny reachings +forth for that greatness—Life's glory and the indignities of the +miserable livers of it—Life's majesty and the nosings and burrowings +of the fallen heirs to that majesty—all these shortcomings were +reconciled in the song; and what man would be, that for an hour he +was. I fail in expressing this; Evie, I am sure, did not seek to +express it; but in that loud and lost and anguished outpouring, +raptures and torments were folded together as in an Amen.... For one +moment only I shuddered; I had remembered that but for an accident I +might have stood by that water, listening to that song, with Kitty +Windus, but the physical convulsion passed, and the bird sang on.</p> + +<p>I had not looked at Evie. I do not think she knew she had drawn a +little closer to me. Other listeners had been attracted by the melody, +but we stood in a shadow, near a rill that fell into the mere. The +water was nacre; the moon's sickle in it was a thin blade of amethyst; +and I thrilled unspeakably as the bird's song changed without warning +to long, low, caressing notes that drew the heart out of me as the +nectar-bag of a floret is drawn from a flower. I heard Evie's slow +sob.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + +<p>Oh, might I but have crushed out that other nectar, to transmute into +honey of our own!</p> + +<p>Suddenly Evie flung herself on my breast, sobbing and strangling. Her +fingers worked at the lapel of my collar; by bending my head I could +have touched her small white knuckles with my lips. I was conscious +that in my efforts not to do this I bared my teeth like a dog, but I +remembered in time that to snatch was to lose. It was not my bosom +against which her bosom heaved—it was the nearest sentient +resting-place on which she could lay it. Her unhappiness and her +happiness, her dream and her disillusion, her knowledge and her +already failing hopes, rushed together in her sobs. Her love of a +wastrel and her love for all he was a wastrel, and that hidden and +sacred nook from which Louie Causton had ruthlessly ripped the +curtain—for the pure strangeness of these things her tears gushed +forth. I felt the long heave of her body.</p> + +<p>"Come, come, my dear!" I said, with an infinitude of tender +encouragement, close to her ear.</p> + +<p>"Oh—oh—oh!" she sobbed.</p> + +<p>"Dear, dear girl!" I murmured, passing my arm about her to support +her.</p> + +<p>But at that moment I could no more have said or done more than this +than I could have sued for a favour by the bier of a scarce-cold +lover.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Hush, poor child!" I whispered, patting her shoulder. "Come, let's +go. Let's leave that dreadful bird."</p> + +<p>"Just a—mi—mi—minute——" she quavered. "I—I—love it—and I can't +bear it——"</p> + +<p>Even so did I love, and yet could scarce bear to hold the tender form +in my arms.</p> + +<p>Presently we left the mere, mounted the dark lane, and began to cross +the common. Her hand was now on my sleeve, and it did not leave it +again. Once her fingers made an impulsive little pressure on it, +which, I cried sternly to my heart, I must not regard. But God knows +the war there was between the sweetness of it and my fortitude.</p> + +<p>"Jeff," she said more quietly by-and-by, using that name for the first +time. "I—I couldn't have borne it if it hadn't been for you. It was +too—too——"</p> + +<p>"Never mind, dear," I soothed her. "Let's walk a little more +quickly—your aunt will be wondering what's become of you——"</p> + +<p>She laughed tremulously. "Kitty will be wondering what's become of +<i>you</i>," she said. Then she added timidly, "She's a lucky girl!"</p> + +<p>"Oh? Why?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"You're so—so——"</p> + +<p>But she did not say what.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> + +<p>We turned down Putney Hill.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>I said I should say little of this, and I shall say no more. I took +her home, but did not go in with her, neither, though I ought to have +done so, did I seek Kitty. I went home, but all that I knew of my +getting there was that I found myself sitting, with my hat and coat +still on, on the edge of the bed in my red-and-green-lighted +apartment.</p> + +<p>They were turning out from the public-house below when at last I rose +sluggishly and began to prepare for bed.</p> + +<p>For half the following week I was outside and beyond myself.</p> + +<p>But exactly a week, less a day, from that Saturday on which I had held +Evie in my arms there dropped a thunderbolt into my life. On that +Friday evening I had gone as usual to the cashier for my wages, and he +had paid me; but as I had turned away again with my eighteen shillings +he had said, as if giving utterance to an afterthought, +"Oh—Jeffries—we find we shall not require your services after this +week. You can have your notice in writing if you would prefer it."</p> + +<p>And he had turned to pay Sutt, the next man in the queue.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" > +<h2><a name="PART_III" id="PART_III"></a>PART III</h2> + +<h2>THE GARRET</h2><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" > +<h3>I</h3> + +<p>Poor, fussy, well-meaning Kitty had done it—had done it all +unwittingly. In telling her vaguely where I lived I had left the +number of my house unspecified, and when a letter had come for me to +the Business College on an evening when I had announced my intention +of being away, she, inspired by the urgency of my affairs, had got a +directory and readdressed the letter to me at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. +It was a letter from the firm into whose service I hoped soon to +enter, and I examined the flap of the envelope carefully when finally +it did come into my hands. Polwhele (I have little doubt it was he) +had steamed it open, read it and closed it again.</p> + +<p>This time all I could get out of Gayns, whom I once more approached, +was that Rixon Tebb & Masters' had no use for an employee whose mind +was already elsewhere.</p> + +<p>It was true that the sack from Rixon Tebb & Masters' was not now a +matter of the first importance. That was not the thunderbolt. Scanty +as my wages were I had still saved up nearly three<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> pounds out of +them; and, as the letter that Polwhele had tampered with contained the +news that I might hold myself in readiness to begin my new work a +month from that date, the sum was enough to tide me over. But the +letter had a postscript. This was a merely formal intimation that it +was assumed that I could produce the usual references of steadiness, +reliability and so forth. I myself never dreamed that I should be +denied them.</p> + +<p>I was denied them, however, by Polwhele.</p> + +<p>"But—but," I stammered, aghast.</p> + +<p>Polwhele referred me to my real employers, the Agency. I gave him a +long and gradually lowering stare.</p> + +<p>"Do you mean——" I began slowly.</p> + +<p>"I mean what I say," he snapped; and as he turned away he added in a +lower voice, "You ain't surprised, are you?"</p> + +<p>And, remembering how I had seen him with his fingers in Mr Masters' +waste-paper basket, I could not say I was.</p> + +<p>Again I sought Gayns. This time the cashier flew into a passion.</p> + +<p>"Confound you!" he cried. "You're more trouble than all the rest of +them put together! What is it now? A character? Oh yes, you can have a +character! I'd advise you not to show it to anybody, though! First +leaving us—then coming<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> back—then days off—then dickering with +other firms! Go to Polwhele—go to the Agency—go to hell!"</p> + +<p>I left Rixon Tebb & Masters' without references.</p> + +<p>Without references my new firm refused to have anything whatever to do +with me.</p> + +<p>I come now to the deepest slough of my poverty.</p> + +<p>It was early in the month of June that I was thrown out of work, with +thirty-five shillings in my pocket. The drizzling winter had given +place to a glorious early summer, and the days increased in heat until +they became torrid. Men walked Piccadilly at night in evening dress, +with their light dust-coats thrown over their arms; and ragged urchins +hailed the appearance of watercarts with whoops of joy and danced +barelegged in the refreshing puddles behind them. Horses wore straw +bonnets, out of which their ears stuck ludicrously up; in whole +districts the water supply began to be cut off at certain hours of the +day; the pitiless sun gave every street the appearance of a hard, hot +snapshot; and, as the heat got on people's nerves, the cries of +children at play became intolerably strident.</p> + +<p>My corner at King's Cross was well-nigh insupportable. Why the +quantity of torn paper in the gutters should redouble the moment the +sun begins to glare on London I do not know, unless it be that the +fried fish and ready-cooked provision businesses suddenly boom; and +certainly the refuse in which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> I frequently walked ankle-deep was +mostly heavy with grease. Even had I been able to afford it, my +"pull-up" had now become such a stove that I do not think I could have +entered it. I dined, or rather supped, late at night, at one of the +coffee-stalls where the electric trams now sweep round from Gray's Inn +Road to St Pancras Station; and I breakfasted (my only other meal) on +bread and the water I drew from my tap on the landing before it was +cut off. The council didn't save much in my case by cutting the supply +off. I filled every vessel I could lay my hands on early in the +morning. As Miss Causton had once said, one must be clean, and Archie, +whose bath I could now have passed my days in, was seldom to be found +in his rooms near the Foundling Hospital now.</p> + +<p>For three weeks I trudged the streets looking for work; and then a bit +of luck befell me. The new "professor" at the college broke down under +the heat; it was not desired to give up the Friday evening +advertisement-writing class; and I daresay my anomalous standing at +the place, something between student and pathetic high-and-dry +"institution," was the cause of its being offered to me. I got five +shillings for the evening, and that five shillings kept me for five +days. I discovered that I need not pay my rent. The first week I +missed doing this I made a shamefaced apology to my landlord, the +publican,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> and discovered that he was not a bad sort. It was too hot +to worry about trifles, he said, and so set himself a precedent that +cost him pretty dearly until, long afterwards, I saw to it that he was +not the loser for having harboured me during that time.</p> + +<p>Wherever I sought work my inability to produce a character damned me; +and on the other hand I was not a Discharged Prisoner. Two or three +times I was taken on casually, once as a packer at a large furniture +emporium, once at a stocktaking for bankruptcy purposes, and once (I +forget how I tumbled into this) I spent a whole day locked in an upper +room of a town hall, counting the voting-papers in some borough or +vestry election—a lucrative ten-shilling job. This was before I got, +and retained for some weeks (until I had the Corps of Commissionaires +down on me), the post of hall porter at the offices of a sporting +paper. I will tell you about that presently. You will see that I am +making all the haste I can to have done with this horrible time.</p> + +<p>Among other things, the general deterioration in my appearance had +forced me to tell Kitty Windus that I was out of work. But I had made +light of it, saying that, on the whole, it was rather a good thing, as +I needed some sort of a spur; but I daresay Alf and Frank had said the +same thing many a time. Presently my former boastings, about the great +things I was shortly going to do, had committed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> me to the lie that I +had at last found employment. It was my week's stocktaking that I told +this particular lie about, and Kitty never knew when that temporary +job came to an end. Nor, poor girl, did I tell her what she had done +when she had forwarded that letter to Rixon Tebb & Masters'. It would +become me ill to say that she stuck to me because it was myself or +nothing for her; already I had begun to dread that it would be no easy +matter to get rid of her when I might find it necessary to do so: and +many a time, as my despair grew upon me, sweeping all personal +reluctances and physical repugnances aside, I threw pride to the +winds, and ate, in her sitting-room in Percy Street, the only food I +had tasted during the day—becoming an Alf or a Frank in very fact.</p> + +<p>For—perhaps this was partly the effect of the unrelenting heat—her +insipid coquetries had begun to exasperate me more and more. I became +increasingly petulant when I was commanded to "tiss eentie finger" and +to look into the little scalene triangles of her eyes and say that I +loved her. Presently, I am afraid, I began to cause her many tears. We +wrangled frequently. I was "near," I was "close," I did not treat her +as other engaged girls were treated, I never took her anywhere except +for a bus ride, or to a cheap theatre once in a blue moon.</p> + +<p>Then one day, without warning, she brought it up<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> against me that I +had "given her the slip" that afternoon on Wimbledon Common.</p> + +<p>Of this I was technically so innocent, but morally so entirely guilty, +that I broke out into anger, and there was a scene.</p> + +<p>"I know some girls are younger and prettier than I am," she broke out, +with unbridled temper, "but you <i>did</i> ask me to marry you after all."</p> + +<p>"So I did," I admitted, in a tone that made her flame.</p> + +<p>"Yes," she cried shrilly. "And not only that—I've seen you looking at +Louie Causton too."</p> + +<p>"Oh?" I said, noting with relief that her jealousy was not specially +of Evie. "Well, there are one or two pleasing points about her."</p> + +<p>"And she was the only one you danced with at the party."</p> + +<p>"Before I asked you to marry me?"</p> + +<p>"And me—you've never <i>once</i> taken me to a dance, though I've <i>seen</i> +Rachel Levey offer you tickets."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you've seen me look at Miss Levey too?"</p> + +<p>"And you never spoke to me, and sat behind the books with Louie."</p> + +<p>"Well, there only remains one other suggestion for you to make."</p> + +<p>And so on. It was degrading in the extreme. But I was sufficiently +punished for it later, when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> she lay with her head on my breast, +sobbing out phrases of contrition for her vindictive temper and +supplication for pardon.</p> + +<p>All, all gone now was the hour of exaltation in which I had heard the +nightingale sing and had felt my glowing girl's breast heaving against +my own. I was a hungry, desperate man, living a life against which I +knew I should not be able to bear up indefinitely, and already +glancing into the public-house as I entered by my side door and +beginning to wonder whether they were not wiser than I who made use of +the anodyne of drink. Why not drink, and forget for at least an hour? +And one night, meeting Mackie again, and having eaten little, I did +succumb, and for the first time in my life got drunk. I got drunk at +his expense. He had heard the news of Louie Causton, and wanted to +talk about it. I, like a cur, let him.... I broke away from him at +last, but not until my loosened tongue had said I know not what.</p> + +<p>My relation with Evie during this time is difficult to define. She +never quite put me back again into the place I had occupied before +that Saturday when we had heard the nightingale together, but newer +preoccupations overlay this relation. Archie now had money (I never +knew quite how much) at his command; but he still showed no sign of +putting it to the use Miss Angela, if not I, had expected—that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> of +entering into a formal engagement with Evie. Miss Angela found excuses +for this out of her own imagination—that his father had only lately +died, and so on; but I could have set her right even then. I knew how +things were drifting. From the little I remembered of my talk with +Mackie, Archie had found in his coming into money quite another +opportunity. What might have facilitated his marriage with Evie +actually delayed it. He was getting rid of his money in Leicester +Square again.</p> + +<p>So Evie's name was associated with his, and yet there was no plighting +between them, and Evie swayed, now happy but with a fear, now +despairing, but not hopelessly so. There was no trouble she could have +brought openly to me even had she wished, but nevertheless she often +turned to me significantly full of silence. She, Kitty and I often +walked homewards together through the sweltering streets, and when +Evie had left us Kitty would speak her mind freely about Archie +Merridew.</p> + +<p>"He's one of the Jewness Dorey now!" she exclaimed one evening, taking +the phrase, I don't doubt, from one of her "better class" novels. "And +it's no good saying it's got nothing to do with us! I think <i>you</i> +ought to give him a talking-to!"</p> + +<p>This was in the typewriting-room of the college, within ten minutes of +the close of an advertisement-writing evening.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> + +<p>"What can I say to him?" I asked. "It's no business of mine." She +little knew how much I had made it my business.</p> + +<p>"Oh, that's just like a man!" she said impatiently, all aglow with the +<i>esprit de sexe</i>. "The poor child's moping and fretting, and you say +it's no business of yours! Of course it's the business of <i>all</i> her +friends!"</p> + +<p>"Of all her women friends, maybe," I answered. "Well, if that's so, +why don't you and Miss Angela have a talk about it?"</p> + +<p>"As if we hadn't—twenty!" she cried. "You and your bright ideas. It +isn't fair—it <i>isn't</i> fair to Evie!"</p> + +<p>"But what is it you hope for?" I asked.</p> + +<p>She stared. "Why, that he'll marry her, of course!"</p> + +<p>"Quite so. But I don't mean that. I mean, do you and Miss Angela think +you can bring any pressure to bear?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I do—young idiot!" she broke out. "He ought to be ashamed of +himself!"</p> + +<p>And I didn't doubt that a certain amount of pressure might be brought +to bear. If it was made less trouble for Archie to marry than not to +marry, he would probably marry. He had not manhood enough, if it was +clearly shown that marriage was expected of him, to hold out. And I +knew how<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> those marriages turned out.... I meditated.</p> + +<p>"But," I objected, "why meddle? You know what a marriage of that kind +would be! You see what he is anyway!"</p> + +<p>But here I had touched Kitty's limitation. For her, as for her novels, +marriage was the end of the story. If joybells closed it nothing after +that mattered, and the look she gave me was a personal confirmation.</p> + +<p>"But," she went on presently, "you could help, Jeff. We women can't +talk to him—though he's not getting very many smiles from <i>me</i> just +now!"</p> + +<p>I smiled. "You're an unscrupulous crew," I remarked.</p> + +<p>"Will you see him?"</p> + +<p>"Well—I won't say I won't."</p> + +<p>"But <i>will</i> you?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps—if I see a fitting opportunity."</p> + +<p>"A fitting. Look!" Her voice dropped. Evie had just come into the +typewriting-room on her way to wash her hands before leaving. "I'll +tell you what," Kitty said quickly; "you go along with her now. See if +it isn't as I say. Then tell me whether you won't give that little +idiot a dressing-down at once."</p> + +<p>She had quite forgotten that twinge of jealousy that had been the +cause of our recent scene. If she hadn't, the more honour to her sense +of sex comradeship.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> It was about this time that I was beginning quite +frequently to forget that our relation was that of lovers, and as long +as I could forget that, she had pathetic little magnanimities that I +even admired.</p> + +<p>"All right, if you wish it," I said.</p> + +<p>So for once Evie's society was absolutely thrust upon me.</p> + +<p>That night she was all that Kitty had said—plunged in despondency. +She was, of course, "in love with" Archie, but that after all is only +a generic expression. Even love comes down to cases, and I think that +in her case, even then, she was wondering whether, had things happened +a little differently, she might not have been equally "in love" with +somebody else. Of that I myself had never a doubt. With Archie's +money, or even a decent job, I would have flouted the whole world in +my triumphant security that I could make her mine. And I should do so +yet. Though for the present my power might go a-begging, I vowed that +it should yet be taken and richly paid for. The dark and solid houses +were less solid than that something I knew to be within myself, that +makes and unmakes houses and streets and towns and lands.... But +gently, gently; I was not out of the mire yet; by-and-by would be time +enough for these boastings;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> things must go on as they were for a +little while longer.</p> + +<p>So though I did not speak a word to her that night that bore directly +on the case as Kitty understood it, I did more. I did—I know this +now—make her feel that, glooms and delights apart, she had in me an +affectionate friend to whom she would not come with troubles in vain. +I have been told, and am inclined to believe it, that I have this +power with women.</p> + +<p>And her eyes were soft with friendship as I left her.</p> + +<p>"Good night, Jeff," she said fondly, as I took her hand. "I do like +being with you sometimes."</p> + +<p>And that night, as I lay half suffocated in the room I did not even +pay rent for, the words rang like a chime in my head until the morning +noises marked the beginning of another torrid day.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>The commissionaire's job I spoke of I got in an odd way. I got it +through the combination of my unusual size with unusual strength. I +was walking along Fleet Street that day when a horse fell, and I, with +others, helped to raise it again. When we had finished, a man at my +elbow spoke both casually and penetratingly.</p> + +<p>"That was as good as anything I've seen for weeks," he said. "Have you +had much practice in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> holding a whole horse up while the others fasten +the buckles?"</p> + +<p>I laughed. I had certainly had the heavy end of the job, but "Not +quite that," I said.</p> + +<p>He gave me a scrutinising look. "Out o' work?" it seemed to say; but +he did not speak the words.</p> + +<p>"Here, come and have a drink," he said.</p> + +<p>His name was Pettinger. He was a sporting journalist, and so a judge +of "form" and "condition." I was not in the best of either, but I must +have struck him as having "the makings" of I don't quite know what. He +gave me a drink, which I didn't want, and a plate of sandwiches, which +I did want rather badly; and he also gave me, as I say, this +commissionaire's job. Pettinger is a friend of mine to this day; and +since he is a simple and lovable animal of a fellow (he fully concurs +in this description of himself) he is the only man I can bear to speak +much to about that time when, clad in a sky-blue uniform, I kept the +door of his newspaper office, touching my cap to proprietors, and +being jocularly prodded by sportsmen and journalists, as if I had been +an ox at Smithfield Show.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>II</h3> + +<p>It was about this time that Archie Merridew's light was once more +beginning to show regularly, evening after evening, over the leads of +his top floor near the Foundling Hospital. This was after a period of +months during which his abode had been in complete darkness. But as +his visits to the college had become infrequent, and as I did not know +what he might be up to, I had kept away.</p> + +<p>When, some little after my commission from Kitty, I did look him up +again, it was by no means that I might deliver Kitty's message. I +went, rather, as a matter of attention to detail. There were certain +things I could not afford not to know, and, more important, there were +certain appearances I could not afford not to keep up. Nevertheless I +did not dream with what consequences my visit of that evening would +presently be fraught.</p> + +<p>I was in a state of great nervous irritability before I went. The +weather still continued almost insupportably hot, and to my other +discomforts had been added a new perturbation that worked on me none +the less that in all probability it was quite groundless. The evening +papers had started a scare<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> about "low-flash oil"; my red and green +room was little cooler than a furnace; and I had lately begun to +glance at my cheap lamp from time to time as if it had been a bomb. I +mention this merely as an indication of the state to which I was +becoming reduced. I thought of that lamp, I remember, as I walked from +the college to Archie's rooms that night and half hoped in my +peevishness that the thing had exploded in my absence.</p> + +<p>It was only ten o'clock, but Archie was already in bed. He wore blue +silk pyjamas and on a small table by the side of his bed stood a +medicine bottle and a siphon; but when I asked him whether he was ill +that he had need of these last he made light of them. It was this +beastly weather, he said, and perhaps the beastly weather also +accounted for his drinking the milk that Jane presently brought up in +a sealed bottle. When Jane had gone, Archie, with an attempt at his +old disarming impertinence, turned to me and said, "Well—how's the +blue uniform, Jeff?"</p> + +<p>Ah! He knew of that!</p> + +<p>"Didn't think I'd heard, did you?" he grinned. "Well, I only did hear +yesterday. Nothing to be ashamed of, old chap. I know one of your +fellows, you know——"</p> + +<p>I too knew the sub-editor whose name he mentioned. He was something of +a bird of the night<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> too. Already the fact that Archie knew of my +occupation had set me swiftly revolving the new dispositions I should +certainly have to make in my relation to Kitty and Evie.</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes," I said. "I shouldn't attempt to drink with the sub-editor +of a sporting paper if I were you. You've been trying, I expect," I +added, looking suspiciously at him. He seemed drawn and ill. He never +had any stamina.</p> + +<p>"Sha'n't tell tales out of school," he replied, with another weak +attempt at his old facetiousness. "Well, how's the fair Kitty?"</p> + +<p>Ill as he was, I could have boxed his ears for the tone of it, but I +answered his question, and he grinned again.</p> + +<p>"Rare good sort," he said appreciatively. "Give us a splash of that +soda, and pass those cigarettes, Jeff...." Then, lighting a cigarette, +"Look here, you old scoundrel," he said, "I've got a crow to pluck +with you! Guess what it is?"</p> + +<p>I could not.</p> + +<p>"Well," he leered. "I saw Mackie the other night."</p> + +<p>You will remember what had happened the last time I myself had seen +Mackie.</p> + +<p>"So there!" he triumphed, after some recital or other that had for its +point my single fit of intoxication.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> "<i>Now</i> what about it, you old +humbug?" he demanded.</p> + +<p>I knew I must keep my face and smile. I did not know why I must do +these things, but I did them, looking at him and noticing again how +sallow and changed he was. Then I looked about the room, mentally +commenting on the evidences of the patrimony that had done him so +little good—his new dressing-gown, his silver-topped bottles, and a +new travelling-case, these things thrown anyhow among his older +belongings. One of the newer objects I held in my hand; it was the +gold cigarette case I had passed him; and I gazed smiling at it as he +went on.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he told me, with humorous accusation; "Mackie told me all about +it—ha ha ha! What price the old puritan Jeff now? Eh? Sad dog, sad +dog!"</p> + +<p>I replied, quite calmly, that the dissipations of commissionaires were +limited by their circumstances.</p> + +<p>"And what the devil are you doing being a commissionaire?" he +demanded. "I'll tell you what it was, Jeff," he continued familiarly, +"that failure in Method seems to me to have broken you all up. What +the dickens made you fail?"</p> + +<p>I was conscious of an interior stirring of hate. What, indeed, had +made me fail!</p> + +<p>"Oh, over-confidence, I suppose," I answered lightly.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p> + +<p>And he continued to talk.</p> + +<p>At last I rose and said good-night. He raised himself on one elbow in +order to shake hands.</p> + +<p>"Come in again and see a chap soon," he said. "It's hellish slow up +here all alone."</p> + +<p>I was already at the door, but I turned abruptly.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean?" I said. "Do you mean you're laid up? You said you +weren't."</p> + +<p>But he only gave a confused little laugh. "Eh? Laid up? Of course not! +Can't a chap turn in early once in a while?"</p> + +<p>"'Once in a while'?... But you said——"</p> + +<p>"That you might come in and see me? Well, do. No harm in that, is +there? Say I'm going slow for a bit, that's all," he added.</p> + +<p>I agreed with him that to "go slow" for a bit was a course he might +with advantage have adopted some time ago, and, though considerably +puzzled, I turned slowly away.</p> + +<p>My lamp, I discovered when I reached my dwelling again, had not +exploded in my absence; but I did not light it. This was not, of +course, through any actual fear; it was merely part of my general +nervous condition. I remember, as still further explaining that +condition, that I had passed a Board School that day as the children +had poured out for their morning recess of a quarter of an hour; I +have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> said how more than commonly strident the heat seemed to make all +noises; and at the sudden outburst of the children I had broken into a +copious flood of perspiration. I was not much steadier now. Pushing +the lamp aside I flung up my window as high as it would go, drew out +my old string-mended chair, and, sitting down, began to stare at the +"<i>Sarcey's Fluid</i>" advertisement across the way.</p> + +<p>The rippling of its incandescents had a trick that always fascinated +and irritated me intensely. Before the last letter of the first word +was an apostrophe, but its single bright spot always appeared out of +its proper order. S—A—R—, and so on, the thing ran, but the whole +legend was complete before that apostrophe started into its place. I +used sometimes to watch as if I hoped the whole mechanism might +suddenly alter, but, of course, it never did. I began to watch it +again that night, while my ceiling and the wall above my bed became +red and green, red and green, red and green....</p> + +<p>I am afraid that what I am now about to say I shall have to ask you to +take on trust. I have no evidence to offer of a phenomenon that, I am +told, is shared by madness and genius alike. Nor will I trouble you +either with any talk of prevision or of inner certitude, nor with the +gradually deepening brooding that led up to this phenomenon—the +brooding<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> over the countless slights and slurs and rubs I had suffered +from Archie Merridew's reckless and ignorant tongue ever since I have +known him—my appearance, my private affairs, the side-splitting joke +of Jeffries being in love. I will pass straight to the sudden and +complete illumination that, as I sat there, so irradiated my +intelligence that I wondered why it had come to me now, an hour later, +and not then, the moment I had seen him lying at that extraordinarily +early hour in bed.</p> + +<p>It came, this flash of illumination, in exactly the same manner as the +changing of the electrograph before my eyes—and, as you will see in a +moment, with the same bloody apostrophe. And with its coming my room +was not more suffused with the crimson glare than my mind suddenly was +with the same morbid and flaming and dangerous hue.</p> + +<p><i>I had suddenly realised what was really the matter with Archie.</i></p> + +<p>Let me now tell you the kind of man I have sometimes, though possibly +mistakenly, supposed myself to be.</p> + +<p>He has aspired, that man, I have sometimes supposed myself to be, to +the stars; but his feet have also known the burning bottom of the pit. +His heart has been lifted up until sometimes, through eyes drowned +with tears, he has had his poor and fragmentary glimpse of a larger +Fatherhood than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> earth knows; but he has also exchanged intelligence +with the devil. His heart has flowered with loves and charities; but +that same heart has also been a rock with a toad in it. He was born in +heaven, but has lodged in hell. So in him, according as he has been +used, have opposites met.</p> + +<p>And yet, as I say, I may be wrong in supposing that I am this man.</p> + +<p>Yet the man who, in my red and green room that night, leaped up from +his chair, and with a bursting, ringing cry shook his hand on high, +was not the James Herbert Jeffries who now writes this feverish +shorthand. He who writes the shorthand was not the same James Herbert +Jeffries who stood, with those violent dyes flooding his face, vowing +that if that sick young buyer of infected merchandise dreamed for one +instant of doing that which it was sought to make him do, and which +apparently he was ready to do, he should pay for it with the last +thing he had to give. That James Herbert Jeffries was plunged in that +hour into a place of stench and infernal brightness that God forbid +was ever his destined abode.</p> + +<p>I cried aloud, shaking my fist up at my cracked and blackened ceiling:</p> + +<p>"<i>Though Christ died for man in vain ... let him but think of it ... +let him ... let him ... and I....</i>"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p> + +<p>After that I passed into a curious state of mind. You have heard how I +make, when I can, anger serviceable to me, but here was an anger past +my bringing into control. Yet, as ordinarily I plan calmly, so was I +calm up to a certain point now. The result of these two things was +that my brain worked like a worn and cranky machine, sometimes doing +more than it ought, sometimes less; sometimes jerking startlingly +ahead, sometimes refusing to work at all. And as there was thus no +continuity in my thought, and as my recollections are curiously +associated with that changing red and green that now for the first +time seems to me to have run through my story like a fateful burden of +jealousy and blood, I will set down such isolated reflections as rise +of themselves out of the jumble of my mind.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p><i>Crime</i> (I realise that the word leaps with some suddenness into these +pages) has suffered more at the hands of criminals than it has at the +hands of justice. There are few perfect crimes. Most of them are +accidental, the mere explosion of momentary passion. And that is well, +for the world wants few masterpieces in that sort. I have not read De +Quincey's essay on the subject, nor ever shall now; but if crime is to +be considered as an artistic medium, it is the only medium in which +bungling is better worth to the world than competence. Other arts one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> +prefers to see superlatively practised or not at all; but it is only +of the bungled crime that man can endure to think.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>The ordinary criminal begins at the wrong end. Dull fellow that he is +he does not recognise that his first task must be the creation of an +attitude of mind. Or if a glimmering of this does cross his inflamed +consciousness, he thinks that it is the attitude of his own mind that +is of the first consequence. That is why he suffers either the +retribution of justice or the visitings of his own conscience. In +either of these cases his act is unsuccessfully committed. He pays in +common with his victim.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>It is not the injured man who knows the full quality of hate. It is +the one who injures. The injurer has no refuge from his own +transgression; he has him whom he has injured constantly upon his +mind—perhaps upon his soul. Another is the lord of his peace of mind. +Thus it is peculiarly the wronged man's part to pardon, but when the +wronged man would not pardon, but would avenge for another's sake?</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>Could Archie be given a mind more sensitive than a stone? Could his +weak and spongy nature be hardened to a point of view? Could such an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> +attitude be created in him that what otherwise would have been an +assault would take on the stern justice of a punishment? Can any dull +or egotistical mind be either punished or rewarded? Ultimately, can +the God who created it do anything save quench it again? Wickedness +may be vanquished at the last, but Ignorance——? And Conceit——?</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>But bah! Probably he was not even thinking of it. Perhaps he was even +now seeking a way out. Well, I would help him. Ten words to him in +private.... Faugh!</p> + +<p>So <i>that</i> was it.... And the world allows it! Could he be proved to be +merely insane at the time of his marriage the world would not allow +it; a mental insufficiency beyond his control would be a bar; but this +other, that he had deliberately sought, would be allowed. And Evie....</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>That bloody apostrophe again!...</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>The criminal forgets too much in the moment of action. It is a sort of +stage fright. Rehearsed perfectly, however.... Not that the thing is +not admittedly difficult. A button, a fingerprint, a drop of blood, +the resources of the laboratory, the microscope, the spectroscope—oh +yes, it cannot be said that there is not a deal to watch. And a +memory,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> a chance association years afterwards, an attack of debility +rendering the eyes subject to deceits—any one of these things may at +any moment throw him into the hands of the law as a fate more merciful +than that which he has not been clever enough to forestall within +himself. Yes, there is much to consider; but then, as all the world +knows, masterpieces of crime or what not, are difficult of +accomplishment.</p> + +<p>Ten words, then, on the morrow, and he would never dare....</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>But bah! I was not even sure! He <i>could</i> not be contemplating it, and +I was vile to think it.... Still, prudence. I must make sure. Till +then, nothing—not even these thoughts that ticked as if out of a +tape-machine from my brain. To-morrow....</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>Yet, ah! I was sure for all that!</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>This red and green, this red and green!</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>These are such fragments of it all as I can remember. I don't know how +long they occupied me. I had begun to trace with my fingers little +patterns on the deal top of my table, patterns that sometimes had a +meaning for me, sometimes not,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> but that always had a meaning for +Archie Merridew if he thought ... if he as much as thought....</p> + +<p>Then the red and green advertisement was switched off suddenly. Only a +rhomb of dim gaslight on my ceiling remained....</p> + +<p>But I still sat in the darkness, my brain taking those backward and +forward jerks, and my lips muttering, though without sound, that if he +dreamed ... if he as much as dreamed....<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>III</h3> + +<p>It was a "record" even for myself to get the sack twice in one week, +but that now befell me. They gave me no notice at the newspaper +office, but they were decent, and I had a fortnight's wages in lieu of +it. Pettinger especially showed himself my friend.</p> + +<p>"It's rough on you," he said, "but I really don't see that anybody's +to blame.... Look here, I'll tell you what we'll do. Go down to my +place at Bedford; I'll telephone them you're coming; and you can do +what there is to do in my garden for a week or two until something +turns up. You won't mind working under the old chap I've got there? +Right. Off you go. You've got your money, haven't you?"</p> + +<p>"I shall have to come up for Friday evening; I've a class," I said.</p> + +<p>"Well, have a change till then. You look as if you need it. Catch the +twelve-fifty, and I'll telephone them now."</p> + +<p>So I took off my sky-blue uniform and wondered, as I folded it neatly +and laid it aside, where they were going to find the next man it would +fit.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> + +<p>This was at half-past ten in the morning, so that I had some hours to +spare. Ten minutes, if I could catch him, would suffice for all I had +to say to Archie Merridew, and, as he was not an early riser, and had +told me that he was not spending his days in bed, I hoped to find him +before he went out. But as the Business College lay on the way I +determined to call there first. I walked up Chancery Lane into +Holborn.</p> + +<p>But he had not arrived at the college when I got there, and I did not +wait for him. I had walked home with him often enough to know his +unvarying route, and I set off for his place half expecting to meet +him on the way. But I did not meet him, so I knocked at the brass +knocker of his ivy-green door.</p> + +<p>Jane told me he had only that moment gone out.</p> + +<p>"To the college?" I asked.</p> + +<p>Jane thought so, but was not sure.</p> + +<p>"If I don't see him I'll call again," I said. "Tell him, will you?"</p> + +<p>I returned to the Business College, and there waited, talking to +Kitty, who had just arrived.</p> + +<p>Kitty seemed extremely embarrassed that morning, and of course I +guessed the reason. She had heard of the sky-blue uniform, doubtless +through Archie. (For two nights I had not seen her.) I was none the +less sure of this that she did not mention the circumstance directly; +nor did she comment on my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> being at liberty at that unusual hour of +the morning. Presently she said:</p> + +<p>"I don't think he'll come this morning now. He may this afternoon."</p> + +<p>"I can't wait till the afternoon," I said, glancing at the little +clock on the mantelpiece of the type-writing-room—the little clock +that had given the "Ting" that had startled me so on the day of the +examination in Method.</p> + +<p>"Is it anything I can tell him?"</p> + +<p>That, of course, was quite out of the question. "I'll see if he's back +home yet," I replied.</p> + +<p>Then Kitty's uneasiness and curiosity got the better of her delicacy +about the sky-blue uniform. She looked fixedly at her thin wrists and +her fingers gave little touches to the lace about them as she spoke.</p> + +<p>"Jeff," she said timorously, "I don't know whether you know what—what +they're saying about you—I'm sure it's a hideous lie, but—but it's +upset me frightfully——" She stopped abruptly, and seemed even then +to wish she had not spoken.</p> + +<p>"You seem very easily upset nowadays," I said shortly, quite ready to +quarrel if needs be.</p> + +<p>But she ignored my tone. "You know they're saying—everybody's +saying—all the people here, I mean."</p> + +<p>"What?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>But her courage failed her. She stopped the fiddling<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> at her wrists, +and, giving me a long look said, "You know I love you, Jeff, whatever +happens——"</p> + +<p>It was what I had begun to fear—that there would be no shaking her +off. She was far, far too faithful.</p> + +<p>"I see," I said slowly. "I know what you mean.... Well, it was quite +true. I <i>was</i> a commissionaire—until an hour ago. They've sacked +me.... I suppose Archie told you?"</p> + +<p>"Girl-faced little wretch! But, Jeff——"</p> + +<p>I took her up. "Well, it's that that I want to see him about. But as +regards you and me—if you want it to make a difference——"</p> + +<p>It was a plain offer to release her, but I don't think she understood +it as that. Indeed, her manner puzzled me entirely. It was eager, +shrinking, wistful and apprehensive all at once, and she appeared to +be trying to shake off something—something preposterous. Well, that +sky-blue uniform had been preposterous enough.</p> + +<p>"It shall make a difference—if you wish," I offered again proudly.</p> + +<p>"No," she murmured, apparently understanding this time, and busy with +her lace again.</p> + +<p>Then I entered into I know not what fantastic explanation of the +curious fact that a man with the world in his grasp should have chosen +to touch his cap to editors and proprietors. She tried to look<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> as if +she believed me, but it was plain that she didn't in the least. Once +or twice she tried to interrupt me, but my patience was quickly +running out.</p> + +<p>"So you see how it was," I said at last, dropping my voice as Weston, +the secretary-bird passed. "It was no business of his, and I want to +know what he's got to say about it. You can tell him so if you like."</p> + +<p>Again that inexplicable look of timorousness came into her small eyes.</p> + +<p>"You <i>mean</i> the commissionaire's job, of course?" she said.</p> + +<p>"I mean the commissionaire's job," I replied.</p> + +<p>That, I thought with satisfaction, would cover my real reason for +wishing to see Archie as well as anything else.</p> + +<p>Weston passed again, and gave me a look. That look struck me. It was +just such a look as a policeman might give a loiterer whom he +suspects, yet against whom he has no charge; and I felt my colour +mount a little. That tattling little animal! Little he cared, as long +as he had his joke, that my five shillings was put in jeopardy. For a +business college that styles itself advertisement writer "professor" +naturally doesn't want commissionaires on its staff, and I saw my +second dismissal looming ahead.</p> + +<p>Then, with a new and cautious idea in my head, I turned to Kitty +again.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p> + +<p>"On second thoughts," I said, "<i>don't</i> say anything to Archie about my +wanting an explanation. I'll settle with him. After all, it was bound +to come sooner or later. It doesn't much matter. I'll see to it.... +Well, I'm off. Good-bye, dear. I don't think I shall be able to see +you again till Friday."</p> + +<p>And I left her, nodded to Weston, and passed out.</p> + +<p>I daresay you guess what my new and cautious idea was. I had something +of the last privacy to say to Archie; it was just as well that I +should have the cloak of comparatively trivial personal remonstrance +to cover it; but this was only part of it. The truth was that my brain +had suddenly taken another of those startling leaps forward. In some +conceivable last event (I was not planning one, you understand; it was +merely that my mind was working somewhere ahead, independently and +beyond my control) it might be necessary that I should have <i>no</i> +personal quarrel with him. In such an event none must suppose that our +relation had been other than amicable. Yet I should be overdoing this +(purely anticipatory) prudence to pass over the episode of the +sky-blue uniform entirely. The thing was, or might become, a matter of +nicely measured proportions. Already I was making the slight private +affront serve my turn; presently I might want to make the pardon of +that affront serve my turn also.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> This kind of thing is what I mean by +the creation of an attitude of mind and "attention to detail."</p> + +<p>I made one more attempt to find Archie as I walked to St Pancras, but +he was still not at home. Then I had to run for my train.</p> + +<p>I worked in Pettinger's garden that week, carrying water, wheeling +barrows, and filling baskets with fruit as I passed between the canes. +Pettinger was away for two nights, but on the third evening he came up +to me as I was pushing a heavy roller over the lawn and began to talk. +I think he began for the sake of a pleasant word or two, but something +I said seemed to engage his interest, an hour or more passed, and +then, as the phlox and canterbury bells began to glimmer in the +twilight, he suddenly said, "Leave this and come inside—we can talk +comfortably there."</p> + +<p>We went in. I shall never forget that night. It was made memorable by +the fact that master and gardener talked till two o'clock in the +morning.</p> + +<p>"Well, Jeffries," he said at last, with a sleepy yawn, "you're an +extraordinary chap. I'm afraid you've made rather a lot of work for me +this last hour or two."</p> + +<p>"How so?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Well, I was going to try to get you a job something like your last, +but you're a difficult man to find a job for. I won't ask you whether +you know<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> you're extraordinary; of course you know you are; and I'm +going, if I can, to give you a chance—a real chance—not like that +other—those cut-throats—what's their name."</p> + +<p>I had told him about Rixon Tebb & Masters' and the rest of it.</p> + +<p>"I've a bit of a pull here and there," he went on sleepily. "There's +the 'Freight and Ballast Company'—I know a couple of their men—but +we'll talk about that in the morning. I'm off to bed. Hope they've +made you comfortable?"</p> + +<p>It does not come within the scope of my present tale to speak of my +later rapid rise; but I may say now that I owed my chance to Pettinger +and to the berth he got me, with the coming of winter, in the offices +of the "F. B. C."</p> + +<p>I remained in his house all that week; then, on the Friday evening, I +took a return ticket to town in order to attend my class.</p> + +<p>I had not been half-an-hour in the college that evening before I was +aware that something had happened. Archie Merridew was not there, but +Evie was, and so was Kitty Windus. I went through my work as usual, +and then, at half-past nine, sought Kitty. It was she who told me the +news.</p> + +<p>"You've not heard, have you?" she asked, with a glance towards the +senior students' room, through which Evie had just passed. Again she +was, in some<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> manner I could not understand, eager, reserved, +apprehensive and fidgety all at once.</p> + +<p>"Heard what?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"About Evie. It's come off. She and Archie are properly engaged."</p> + +<p>From that moment dated a division of me into two separate men, of +which I shall have more to say presently.</p> + +<p>"Oh?" I replied, with complete calm. "That's good news indeed! Wait +here a minute—I'll speak to her—don't go, for I want to see you."</p> + +<p>I met Evie returning with her towel and celluloid box of soap. She too +was excited, so excited that she would have passed me, but I thought I +understood that. I stopped her.</p> + +<p>"Well, Evie?" I said, smiling.</p> + +<p>She waited, painfully full, I couldn't help thinking, of emotion.</p> + +<p>"It was you who congratulated me before," I said. "It's my turn now, I +hear."</p> + +<p>She looked at me and away again, and again at me and away.</p> + +<p>"Thank you, Mr Jeffries," she said, beginning to make little pointings +of her foot this way and that on the floor.</p> + +<p>I spoke very gently. "Jeff—or Mr Jeffries if you prefer it—wishes +you nothing but happiness, Evie," I said.</p> + +<p>"Oh, thank you," she said, with increasing perturbation,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> "thank you +very much indeed—thank you really—Jeff."</p> + +<p>It was odd in the extreme. She gave me the reluctant "Jeff," and +somehow I wished she hadn't, it came with such difficulty. Something, +I was convinced, lay behind it. I did not expect her in the +circumstances to be quite collected, but her manner was—I don't know +how else to describe it—almost that of a child who has pleaded with +authority for permission to bestow one final charity on an undesirable +associate.... What! I thought, she also ashamed to know a +commissionaire!</p> + +<p>"When are you going to be married?" I asked, after an awkward pause.</p> + +<p>"Quite soon," she replied, equally awkward. "As soon as I can get my +things ready." She stopped.</p> + +<p>"I suppose Archie's coming here for you—to-night, I mean?"</p> + +<p>"No—he's got a man to see—a friend—in Store Street, I think."</p> + +<p>"Then may I walk along with you?"</p> + +<p>She seemed to have feared the question. "Oh," she said quickly, "if +you don't mind—I've something awfully private to say to Kitty—she +and I have arranged to go on together."</p> + +<p>("Not wanted," I said to myself.) Aloud, "Well, I hope you'll be +happy, Evie," I added.</p> + +<p>"Thank you," she said again, lifting curiously appealing eyes for a +moment.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p> + +<p>I turned abruptly from her, and sought Kitty, who was still waiting. I +had picked up a sudden suspicion, and wished to confirm it.</p> + +<p>"Ready?" I said, in a tone as matter of fact as I could assume.</p> + +<p>Again she began to flutter. I couldn't understand what had come over +the whole college.</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry, Jeff," she began, with rapid effusiveness. "If I'd only +known you wanted—but I've got to go somewhere."</p> + +<p>I knew that, Evie had just told me.</p> + +<p>"Woburn Place, you mean?"</p> + +<p>"No, dear—somewhere else—quite different."</p> + +<p>"Really?" I said, incredulously smiling and frowning both at once.</p> + +<p>"Of course! How funny you are!"</p> + +<p>I looked searchingly down into her eyes.</p> + +<p>"I think <i>you're</i> funny," I said slowly.</p> + +<p>"You really must excuse me, Jeff—if you'd only let me know."</p> + +<p>But I had had enough of this. Gently but irresistibly I took her arm.</p> + +<p>"Come along, Kitty," I said quietly. "I particularly want to talk to +you."</p> + +<p>She quailed, but still hung back.</p> + +<p>"Very well," I said. "Will you tell me where you're going?"</p> + +<p>She was obstinately silent.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You're going with Evie, of course?"</p> + +<p>I knew by the little rush with which she spoke that she was telling +the truth and was relieved to be able to do so. "Oh no!" she said. +"I'm going quite alone, quite alone—honour, Jeff!"</p> + +<p>"Evie's not going with you—to Store Street or wherever it is?"</p> + +<p>She stiffened. "I don't know what you mean by Store Street, and I +think you've got Evie on the brain," she said.</p> + +<p>What the devil ailed them all?</p> + +<p>And why had Evie said she was going with Kitty?</p> + +<p>As abruptly as I turned away from the one I now turned away from the +other.</p> + +<p>The next moment: "Er—'Jeffries!" I Heard.</p> + +<p>It was Weston with my five shillings. I turned.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Jeffries! I'm sorry to say—glad in one sense of course—that +Professor Hitchcock will be taking the class again next Friday. The +college wishes—wishes to thank you for stopping the gap as you have +done. It's been most obliging of you."</p> + +<p>I said something—I was glad Hitchcock was better, I said.</p> + +<p>"Yes—er—he's quite well again now—quite on his feet again," said +the secretary-bird. "And—er—Jeffries—I'm exceedingly sorry, but +I've a rather unpleasant duty to perform."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p> + +<p>I was utterly mystified. "What is it now?" I demanded almost roughly.</p> + +<p>"It's that the Board is of opinion—has come to the conclusion—that +consisting as we do of younger students than yourself—it would be of +advantage—perhaps of advantage to you too if—if——"</p> + +<p>I helped him out. "If I don't come again?"</p> + +<p>"I wished to break it gently to you—but that <i>is</i> the substance of +it," he stammered.</p> + +<p>Curious....</p> + +<p>"Thank you, Weston," I said. "I quite understand. Will you please tell +them that I didn't ask for any explanation?"</p> + +<p>Exceedingly curious....</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, yes," he murmured sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"Now," I said to myself some minutes later, as I descended the stairs, +"it only requires Miss Angela to turn me down."</p> + +<p>I walked to Woburn Place, and there asked a Swiss boy if I might see +Miss Angela. Archie's friend Mr Shoto passed me as I waited in the +hall, but I did not speak to him. After some minutes the Swiss boy +returned. His answer was what I expected. Miss Soames had a nervous +headache, and asked to be excused from seeing me.</p> + +<p>And all, I thought with amazement as I turned away, because for a week +or two I had worn a sky-blue uniform!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>IV</h3> + +<p>That division of me into two men that I have said dated from the time +when Kitty told me of Evie's engagement to Archie Merridew was, in a +sense, no new thing. I had felt it in some measure before, when I had +deliberately avoided Archie that I might give my anger its head and +had smiled in his face again when the fit had worked itself out. I had +striven, too, to stand between him and the black rages he and my +general circumstances had provoked.</p> + +<p>But no sooner had the words, that Evie was now definitely engaged, +come from Kitty's lips than I knew this division to be complete and +irrevocable. Even did he withdraw in time he had still contemplated +it; and in my soul I did not now believe he would withdraw. "The Devil +was sick, the Devil a Saint would be." And I knew at last who his +friend in Store Street was. A name, seen on a medicine bottle in his +room, had leaped into my memory. His "friend" was some obscure +practitioner of a doctor.</p> + +<p>So I now became as the Giant in the story, who was so exquisitely +cloven from head to middle by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> the magic blade that he did not feel +the wound that was his death. "Cut, then!" he laughed. "Shake +yourself," he was told. And he fell in twain.</p> + +<p>A shake, and I too should fall in twain.</p> + +<p>I will now tell you how I got that shake.</p> + +<p>Thinking over my sudden ostracism in Pettinger's house that night I +only became more and more mystified. That the Business College should +no longer require me I could understand—for snobbery plays a terrible +part in business. That Kitty had reproached me for my lack of trust in +her about my commissionaire's post was also easily to be accounted +for. Miss Angela might in truth have had a headache and have begged to +be excused from receiving me. But that Evie should turn against me was +inexplicable. It contradicted every tradition of her upbringing. My +being forced into a humble, but not ignoble, occupation could never +have made this difference in her. If anything in the whole business +could be taken as a certainty, that could. And so the more I thought +about it the more sure I became that, though I myself might conceal my +real reason for wishing to see Archie Merridew by giving out that I +merely wanted to remonstrate with him about his chattering, others +were using that very giving-out as a screen for something I was in +total ignorance of. Kitty's timorousness returned to me; I believed +now that she had actually been trying to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> tell me something else, +whatever it was; and so I tossed and turned on my pillow, vainly +racking my brain.</p> + +<p>I finally decided to have it out with both Kitty and Archie on the +morrow.</p> + +<p>I went up to town the next morning, and walked straight to the +Business College. I did not wish, after what I had been told the night +before, to go up, so I found an office boy on one of the lower floors +and sent him up with word that somebody would like to see Miss Windus. +Then I waited, just inside the Holburn entrance.</p> + +<p>In a few minutes she came down, hatted and gloved. Her face looked +old; her eyes were dull, and almost closed—with weeping, I was +instantly sure; and she touched my sleeve almost as if she feared I +might shake her hand off again.</p> + +<p>"I thought it would be you," she said, in a dull voice. "Let's have a +walk. I've something to say."</p> + +<p>We walked without speaking along Holborn, and presently turned into +the little courtyard of Staple's Inn. We sat down on the bench that +surrounds the tree in the middle.</p> + +<p>She had broken into speech almost before we sat down. It was as if she +feared that if she did not get it out at once she would not speak at +all. She was intensely agitated.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Jeff," she said, "I've wronged you—cruelly and basely."</p> + +<p>I did not smile at the melodramatic little phrase. I had not the ghost +of an idea what she meant, but that something was impending I was +already aware.</p> + +<p>"I saw you didn't know last night," she went on. "This morning?"</p> + +<p>It was a question. "I'm no wiser this morning," I said.</p> + +<p>"You asked me where I was going last night."</p> + +<p>"I did."</p> + +<p>"Can you guess why when—when I tell you it was to Louie Causton's?"</p> + +<p>I shook my head.</p> + +<p>"Even then I cannot guess."</p> + +<p>Then she began to tremble. She grasped the edge of the seat with her +hand so that I should not see how she shook.</p> + +<p>"Jeff," she said, in a low voice, "if you never want to see me +again—I can't blame you if you don't—not after this."</p> + +<p>I waited.</p> + +<p>"Not that I shouldn't always, always love you. It will be my +punishment—I shall have to bear it."</p> + +<p>Still I waited.</p> + +<p>"Yesterday it was you who offered it—now it's me—it will serve me +right."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p> + +<p>I thought she would never go on. "You mean our engagement, of course?" +I said.</p> + +<p>"Yes," she gulped.</p> + +<p>"Why?" I asked suddenly.</p> + +<p>"Because—because of what I've been beast enough to believe of you, +Jeff."</p> + +<p>"And that is——"</p> + +<p>As I again waited for her to speak I looked round the courtyard. A +clerk was at work in a first-floor window, and he caught my eye and +looked away again. In another window an office boy stood with a pen in +his mouth, turning the pages of a ledger. Then, after a while, and +very disjointedly, Kitty went on:</p> + +<p>"They said you said it yourself, and I—at first I didn't—but then I +believed it. I know I was beastly about it once before—then we +quarrelled—but I didn't mean what I said then—believe me, I +didn't.... And," she went on, "I didn't know who—who—it was.... She +never told me—you know what I mean.... I hate myself—now. I suppose +I'm jealous—the green-eyed monster, Jeff—but they did say it—said +you'd as much as said so yourself—and——"</p> + +<p>I was beginning to get impatient with her rambling.</p> + +<p>I said "And what?" but I don't think she heard me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p> + +<p>"So that's why I went to Louie herself—to ask her—right out——"</p> + +<p>All at once I felt it coming.</p> + +<p>"Well?"</p> + +<p>But suddenly she buried her face in her hands, and her thin shoulders +shook. Again I saw the clerk watching....</p> + +<p>"Oh!" she moaned. "Can you ever, <i>ever</i> forgive me?"</p> + +<p>"For——"</p> + +<p>"For ever thinking that you and Louie—that you and Louie——"</p> + +<p>She lifted her piteous eyes to mine.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>I think it was then that the Giant shook himself and fell in twain. He +has been more or less roughly cobbled together since, and the halves +rub on somehow side by side, but to this day the one man in me faints +for the great sweet things of Life, while the other has the devil ever +at his elbow.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>The whole courtyard had swung round; I actually seemed, with my +physical eye, to see it for some moments out of the vertical. Then it +righted again, and the whole mystery of the previous evening dissolved +in light.</p> + +<p>"You and Louie—you and Louie——"</p> + +<p>Yet again the courtyard seemed to lean and slide<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> sideways for a +moment; then I flung a blazing searchlight back across my memory.</p> + +<p>Louie Causton's super-subtle mask. "So long since I saw a man, my +dear—the Baboon?—oh, I should know which way to turn <i>then</i>!"</p> + +<p>My half-admissions to Archie when he had tried with such persistency +to get out of me who it was I was in love with.</p> + +<p>Her failure to return to the college, that alone had thrown me into +Kitty's arms rather than into her own.</p> + +<p>That something, God knows what, that I might have said to Mackie when, +after having eaten nothing, I had drunk with him.</p> + +<p>Kitty's own desperate possessiveness and jealousy.</p> + +<p>All these things fell into place as the coloured granules fall when +the kaleidoscope is given a turn. I had been accused of being Miss +Causton's lover!</p> + +<p>As I remain that divided Giant henceforward until the end of my tale, +I will divide my name also, and tell you of a colloquy that began +within me between these two men—the honest, human, enraged Jeffries, +and that other, whom I will call James Herbert, at whose elbow stood +the devil.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" choked Jeffries, flaming red.</p> + +<p>"Quietly, quietly!" whispered his interlocutor.</p> + +<p>"That's Merridew again!" choked the other.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Quietly—keep your face—there's a clerk in that window watching +you!"</p> + +<p>"The whole world may see me—let me go and find him!" It was as if +this Jeffries struggled to break away there and then.</p> + +<p>"No, no—sit still—leave it to me, and keep your face before this +weeping woman—<i>I</i> was born where they understand these things!"</p> + +<p>And after a hellish minute—the voice of that one prevailed.</p> + +<p>I turned to Kitty.</p> + +<p>"Good gracious!" I remember I said, with an air almost of amused +incredulity. "Why, who on earth told you that ridiculous tale?"</p> + +<p>The one who came from the place where they understand these things was +right. Kitty looked up. At first she seemed unable to believe her +ears—unable to believe that I could treat the monstrous thing with +amused disdain. Then, as she slowly realised, her face shone. She gave +a quick glad cry.</p> + +<p>"Jeff!"</p> + +<p>"What, dear?" I said, smiling.</p> + +<p>She choked. "Oh ... my good, big man!"</p> + +<p>("Laugh now," the wicked one prompted; and I laughed.)</p> + +<p>"Good heavens, what a tale!... Who told you? Archie? Just you see if I +don't tweak that young man's ears!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p> + +<p>In her infinite relief the poor woman broke down utterly. She shook +with the mingled gratitude and humiliation of my pardon.</p> + +<p>"Louie Causton!" I scoffed. "You actually asked her that? Why, how she +must have laughed!"</p> + +<p>"Oh—you're wonderful, Jeff!" Kitty adored me.</p> + +<p>"Oh," I replied, quickly recollecting myself, "don't think I'm not +angry! I'll give that young man a jacket-dusting! He shall have a +wedding present from me he'll remember, I promise you! Why, of all the +mean tricks!..."</p> + +<p>I went on. Presently Kitty had found me so wonderful that once more +she could even toy a little with a peril.</p> + +<p>"Louie wouldn't tell me ... who ... she said she'd die first...." she +half sobbed by-and-by.</p> + +<p>I looked into her little puffed eyes. "Then," I said, smiling, "you've +only the word of a not very trustworthy woman for it that after all +... eh?"</p> + +<p>A saint could hardly have cheapened the worshipping look she gave me.</p> + +<p>"So," I resumed presently, "that was what ailed you all last night, +when I was thinking all the time it was my uniform?"</p> + +<p>"Yes—I tried hard to tell you, Jeff——"</p> + +<p>"And does Archie really believe this tale himself,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> or is it just one +of his little pleasantries?"</p> + +<p>She didn't know.</p> + +<p>"Is he at the college this morning?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Good. Will you send him down to me if I walk back with you? I think +we won't lose any time over this."</p> + +<p>"And you'll give him a really severe talking-to?" she asked eagerly.</p> + +<p>"I will," I promised. "Come——"</p> + +<p>Twenty minutes later I was again in the doorway of the Business +College, waiting for Archie to descend.</p> + +<p>And as I waited I reflected how well-nigh irrevocably I had tied +myself up with Kitty now. I think that up to then she would have stuck +to me even had this of Miss Causton been true; but now she would +never, never let me go. Perhaps I may here mention the plan I had at +first had for getting rid of her when I should require her no longer. +I had based that plan on the fascination the "compromising situation" +of her favourite novels always had for her. I never knew anyone so +self-conscious about her defencelessness, and I had worked it out that +I had only to propose my own chamber for an assignation and she would +conceive herself to be looking into the bright face of danger indeed. +All peril and all romance would lie for her in her setting foot on +the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> lowest of my stairs.... And doubtless one glance at that naked +room of mine (I had pawned even my oil-stove) would, I had estimated, +drive her away in instant and horrified fright.... I had not been +above planning this.</p> + +<p>But now she would never, never leave her big, wonderful man.</p> + +<p>Yes. I had fettered myself fairly completely.</p> + +<p>Holborn was noisy that morning, and between the sound of passing +vehicles and Archie's own light tread I was not aware of his presence +until he spoke. Instantly I saw that he thought he knew why I had come +and had resolved to take one bull at least by the horns.</p> + +<p>"I say, Jeff," he began at once, with embarrassed sincerity—a sincere +desire, that is, to be out of the mess he had landed himself in, +"Kitty's just told me. I know—I know you must be beastly angry with +me—quite right too—I'm awfully sorry and—and ashamed. It was +caddish. But I really didn't mean anything, and—and—and I thought +you as much as said it yourself, you know——"</p> + +<p>I judged it best not to speak just yet. I stood looking at him.</p> + +<p>"You're an awfully good sort," he went on, conciliatingly, +"but—but—I really thought you <i>were</i> a bit sweet on her (that was +all I meant)—that time—you know—before I knew it was really Kitty. +I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> simply said to Mackie—he watched you too at the party—I admit I +was 'on' a bit, and never thought it would end like this——"</p> + +<p>Then I spoke. "You mean you didn't think it would end in my getting +the sack and being cut by everybody I know except yourself and Mackie? +How did you think it would end, then?"</p> + +<p>He jumped eagerly at a chance, ready to promise anything.</p> + +<p>"I'll see that's all right, old boy—and Hitchcock <i>was</i> coming back +anyway, you know—you only had the job while he was away——"</p> + +<p>"Oh!" I said, with a nasty laugh. "And in your opinion that's all?... +What about my character?" I demanded suddenly. "Eh?"</p> + +<p>"I know," he said, with hanging head. "It was rotten of me—but I was +'on'—I really was. And your character's all right, Jeff, with anybody +who knows you—they know what a first-rate sort you are——"</p> + +<p>"Thank you," I said stiffly. "And what about—the partner in my +guilt?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, <i>her</i>!" the little animal said, as if <i>she</i> could be left quite +out of the question. Then apparently he felt the stirring of returning +rectitude. "Well, Jeff, I have apologised.... I don't see what more I +can do, except of course to see you all right...."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span></p> + +<p>I noted the birth of the attitude I wished to create. I began to +appear to let him down by gradual degrees.</p> + +<p>Exactly how much of it was appearance you see. I abhorred the little +wretch. And his renewed apologies, promises, explanations!... He had +been "on" he had "simply said" to Mackie; I "should have lost my job +soon in any case"; and "he'd see I was all right!" ... That was all +his sense of a hideous slander! And his almost rebellious "Well, I +have apologised." Good heavens, he would be putting <i>me</i> in the wrong +presently!... Every muscle in my body was straining to be at him.</p> + +<p>But that, I knew, would never, never do.</p> + +<p>Presently I turned once more to him. All this, after all, was not in +the least what I had come to talk to him about. It was only a screen.</p> + +<p>"Very, well," I said at last. "What's done's done. We'll leave that +for the present. Now there's something else I want to say to you. Do +you know what it is?"</p> + +<p>"How should I know?" he said, relieved that the subject was turned.</p> + +<p>"Think...."</p> + +<p>When Kitty had come down to see me an hour before she had done so in +her hat and coat. She had had her confession to make, and had, I +fancied,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> done me even in her attire the courtesy of hinting humbly +that she was entirely at my disposal. But Archie evidently thought +that our difference could be arranged in a five minutes' talk +sandwiched in between two lessons. He had not even put his hat on. He +stood, a small fair figure, red-waistcoated, brass-buttoned, hands in +his pockets, leaning against the name-board of the tenants of the +various floors of the building, while I, with one hand against the +board, hung over him like a huge angel of good and evil, bidding him +think.</p> + +<p>"Think," I said again.</p> + +<p>He suddenly realised what I meant. I could no more hold his eyes than +I could have held those of a chidden dog. They cringed, evaded, even +dared short defiances.</p> + +<p>"Think," I said once more.</p> + +<p>All at once he said, "I don't know what you mean."</p> + +<p>"Then," I said, "I shall have to tell you."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>"So," I concluded some minutes later, "do you think you are—doing +right—to marry?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>We still stood, he with his back to the name-board, I with my hand +against it, almost enveloping him with my physical presence. And now, +no detail of my arraignment spared, I had at last caught his eye.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> +Even before he spoke my heart gave a savage leap. Already his soft and +spongy nature had begun to be hardened to that attitude I needed.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" he said.... Then, proudly, "But this is interference."</p> + +<p>"You think," I repeated slowly, "that you have the right to get +married?"</p> + +<p>His very admission was a defiance of me. "I know I've been rather a +rotter," he blustered.</p> + +<p>Once more I repeated monotonously:</p> + +<p>"You still think, after what I've just said, that you have the +right——"</p> + +<p>"I think," he broke out, "that if you looked after your own girl and +left me to look after mine it would be better. I'm frightfully sorry +about the other thing, of course, but—dash it all!—--"</p> + +<p>Our long exchange of looks said the rest, and it was not my fault if +he didn't understand what his refusal to heed me would involve. Some +people never understand, and cry afterwards, "You never told me that!" +as if one man had the right to demand of another that he should speak +the uttermost word. I cannot see that there is any such right. For +such as these there is no uttermost word. Elias and the Prophets +cannot make them understand. Though one rose from the dead to tell +them they would not believe. The God who made them as they are cannot +make Himself known to them—He can only destroy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> them again. They go +out into the night in their ignorance, and for them there is no +resurrection in knowledge.... Therefore if the uttermost word will not +enlighten them, why speak it? Weakness lies in that word. Because it +is weak. Art leaves it unspoken, and the Seer, having spoken it, comes +down from Sinai no more. Only by a withholding from it does man +achieve. Making three parts greater than the whole, he does not put +forth to the last. He will not return bankrupt to heaven. The +unuttered utterance is his credential, to be restored to the Bestower +of it.</p> + +<p>Therefore I did not, at that time, tell Archie Merridew that if he +married I should slay him. But all, all else was in my eyes for his +taking.</p> + +<p>Then our gaze severed.</p> + +<p>As I dropped my hand from the wall the devil frisked in me again. I +had warned him, and had my own safety to consider now. Without +attention to detail you can accomplish nothing in this world, and a +thing is bunglingly done when you yourself suffer the consequences of +it. Whatever I might do, I intended to suffer no consequences.</p> + +<p>"Well, Archie," I said, as a man speaks who washes his hands of +something, "I've told you what I think about it. There's no doubt it +is, as you say, an interference, but I think it's justified, and so +I'll say no more.... And now, about that other:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> I need hardly say +that I expect you to make things all right for me again."</p> + +<p>"I will—I really will, Jeff," he promised at once.</p> + +<p>"You see," I amplified, while the devil in me frisked, "leaving my +reputation out of the question, it's beastly inconvenient. For +instance, I'm badly in need of some shorthand practice, and I +certainly don't intend to go up these stairs again until I'm +rehabilitated."</p> + +<p>He leaped at the chance of a reparation that would cost him little. +"Oh, that's easy," he said. "Of course your own place—I mean, why not +use mine, as you used to?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," I objected, "I can't very well use your place when you're not +there."</p> + +<p>"I'm going to be there most of the time now," he replied. "Perhaps you +think I'm off on the skite again, but I'm not." ("The Devil was sick," +thought I again.) "I'm dead off all that now—straight. I do wish +you'd come!"</p> + +<p>"But," I said (while that imp in me positively capered), "you'll be +awfully busy—with other things. I hear you're to be married at +once——"</p> + +<p>"Not too busy for that, old man," he assured me. "Do come!"</p> + +<p>"Well, I'll see," I promised.</p> + +<p>Half-an-hour later I was sitting in the British Museum reading-room +with a stock of books on Medical<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> Jurisprudence before me. Those two +spirits within me were whispering again—plotting, machinating, +discussing common ground of action. I had not yet resolved to take any +action; but I had resolved, and firmly, that if action was to be taken +I myself was not going to be caught unawares.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span></p> + +<p><br></p> +<h3>V</h3> + +<p>It was true that Archie was busy. His "skite" had cost him a good deal +of money, and he intended to make good some of the loss by economising +on his marriage. With this end in view he had determined that his +honeymoon and his summer holiday should be run into one, and had +fixed, or Evie had fixed for him, a day towards the end of August for +his wedding. He was going to Jersey, for the sake of the breath of the +sea (I fancy that in this he was following Store Street advice); and +he intended on his return to go into rooms until he should have had +time to look round for a house.</p> + +<p>His personal preparations were extensive. Ten porters and carmen a day +called at the house near the Foundling Hospital, delivering purchases, +and his upper floor was heaped up with bags, boxes, drawers taken from +their cases and laid upon the floor, brown paper, cardboard boxes, new +clothing. And one day—I won't set down the date—he lost his latchkey +in the muddle. He did not know that he lost it as a result of my own +close studies in the reading-room of the British Museum.</p> + +<p>"Can't find the blessed thing anywhere!" he grumbled.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> "I took it off +the bunch to slip into the pocket of my evening waistcoat—you can't +carry a bunch of keys about in your evening clothes—and I can't think +where the devil I put it!... Well, I shall have to ask Jane for +another."</p> + +<p>It was also a consequence of my deeply private studies that about the +same time I had an accident with the hook of his bedroom door. The +night being sultry, I had removed my coat, and hung it on his hook, +over one of his, and, somehow, in going through the pockets of the +undermost coat in search of the key, he had several times twisted the +collar-tab by which my own garment hung. In taking my coat down again +a little later I used some force; I used so much force that I fetched +the whole hook down, leaving a small piece out of the wood of the +door, and, Archie, busy emptying a drawer, remarked that to put it up +again would be something for the next tenant to do.</p> + +<p>"Oh no—better leave the place as you found it," I said. "You go +on—I'll attend to it."</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't know where you're going to find the screw-drivers—with +my latchkey, I suppose," he remarked.</p> + +<p>But I knew where the screw-driver was. I found it, and put the hook up +securely again, a couple of inches below its old place.</p> + +<p>I also carried constantly in my pocket, ready for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span> use at any moment, +a written page of notepaper, the compilation of which had cost me a +good deal of thought in the reading-room.</p> + +<p>Yet I must make perfectly clear to you that these and twenty other +things that had the appearance of preparations committed me to +nothing. They were merely part of the prudent course of making ready, +not for the best that might happen, but for the worst; and that the +worst might be avoided I plotted at the same time with almost +extravagant care. For all this last, however, the effective human mind +works as it were in separate compartments of the job to be done, and +there was no denying that this was or might become a job. I treated it +as a job. And as a job it cost me no more qualms and tremors than the +cool preparation for an examination in Method might have done. I did +not turn pale when I read in a book of forensic medicine that when one +man slays another he commonly uses far too much violence; I merely +noted the fact, and reminded myself of it from time to time, to be +perfect in my (I still hoped superfluous) lesson. I did not blench +when I learned that, judicial executions apart, ninety-nine per cent. +of hangings were suicidal, so that, certain other precautions being +observed, a presumption could be made preponderatingly probable. I +merely turned my attention to the qualifying precautions. And as for +that sheet of paper I carried—well, young men have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> killed themselves +for less reason, and seldom for greater. Indeed, to die by his own +hand might be the final virtuous act in which he took his farewell of +the world. I would—still in the last event, you understand—allow him +that empty semblance of virtue. Whether he needed it in heaven or not, +I needed it on earth.</p> + +<p>And (I am still talking purely hypothetically) I now recognise that I +had prepared our respective mental attitudes with instinctive skill. +That clever fiend within me had seen to that before I had become awake +to that fiend's existence. By about the—till say a fortnight before +the day fixed for his wedding—none could have told that I had the +shadow of a grudge against him. He had made, for his slander of +myself, a sort of semi-public apology—that is to say, he had mumbled +a few words in the presence of Weston and the Principal of the +College; but by that time the question of slander had been already so +far from me that I had hardly had to affect an equanimity of manner. +Without any effort whatever I had hit the necessary degree of +magnanimity to a nicety, and there had been an end of that. I was free +to return to the college again. This now mattered little since we were +within a few days of the end of the summer term, and it was proposed +to have, not a breaking-up party on the premises, but a boating-picnic +at Richmond.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p> + +<p>That I was in love with Evie Soames none knew. Did they? Could they? +She was engaged to Archie, I to Kitty Windus; but I examined it again, +to make sure.... No, no suspicion of jealousy could attach to me; none +would think of a <i>crime passionel</i>.... And was it jealousy? Was it a +<i>crime passionel</i>? I do not think you can say it was. True, I intended +in the teeth of all the world to marry Evie Soames, just as I intended +one day to be rich and to make my inherent power felt; but there would +have been other ways than murder of accomplishing that. I should have +found a way.... No; he had the best reason in the world for what I was +so carefully planning for him. To me none whatever could be +attributed. My preparations (for the worst, of course) would be +complete when I had made use of that paper I carried in my pocket.</p> + +<p>It was one evening less than a week before the day of his wedding that +I chose for the completion of these preparations, and I had walked +with him as far as his home. There, with a good-night, I was artfully +passing on when he himself detained me.</p> + +<p>"Aren't you coming up for a bit?" he said. He had been monstrously +hospitable since I had taken him to task about the slander. I had +reckoned on this.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p> + +<p>"No," I replied, "I must get some shorthand practice—I'm off home."</p> + +<p>"Oh, come in," he urged, taking my arm. "I sha'n't get much either +this few weeks—come in, and we'll have an hour together at speed. +Come on—I've got some books you may as well have—I sha'n't want two +sets."</p> + +<p>He meant he wouldn't want Evie's text-books as well as his own. I had +not been able to afford books for my studies, and so had had to make +use of those belonging to the college. This was the nearest he had +come since my accusation to speaking about Evie and himself together.</p> + +<p>I went up to his rooms for a speed practice in Pitman's Shorthand.</p> + +<p>"Here are the books," he said, when he got in. "Better put 'em where +you'll have your hand on 'em—once you lose sight of a thing in this +mess you can say good-bye to it. That blessed latchkey of mine hasn't +turned up yet. Well, shall we get work over first and then talk a +bit?"</p> + +<p>He swept aside with his arm a heap of new shirts and collars and +tissue-paper, took a writing-pad from the drawer of his table, and +then looked round for something from which to read aloud. I produced +from my pocket a newspaper, which I tossed over to him. I also had +cleared a portion of the table for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> myself and was sharpening a +pencil. My pad lay before me. He was taking his watch from the guard.</p> + +<p>"Do I read first?" he asked, opening the newspaper. "Right-oh. Say +when you're ready."</p> + +<p>I drew up my chair. "Right," I said.</p> + +<p>And in his rapid, clear, high-pitched voice he began to read.</p> + +<p>It was the speech of some politician or other he read, and my pencil +flew over the paper, swiftly taking down. Page after page I wrote, and +I had almost forgotten that I was engaged on anything more than an +ordinary exercise when suddenly he called "Time!" I stopped, and took +a long breath.</p> + +<p>"Now transcribe," he said. "You'll find paper under those gloves."</p> + +<p>"No," I said. "You take down now. Saves time. Transcribing's the slow +part, and we can both be doing that together."</p> + +<p>"All right," he said, passing over the paper and making ready.</p> + +<p>"Right? Go," I said.</p> + +<p>And I began in my turn to read.</p> + +<p>He had given me a continuous speech, but I gave him the Police Column. +"Big Blaze in Bermondsey: Suspected Arson," I gave him. ("That chap'll +get a couple of years for that," he interdicted). And then I passed to +"Alleged Bucket-shop Frauds." I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> had already got my paper from my +breast-pocket, that paper I had compiled in the reading-room of the +British Museum....</p> + +<p>"—bail being granted in two sums of £500," I concluded the +bucket-shop paragraph and went on without pause:—</p> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pathetic Confession</span>"</p> + +<blockquote><p>"At Marlborough Street yesterday Rose Baxter, 24, seamstress, +living in Osnaburgh Street, was charged before Mr Siddeley +with a determined attempt to commit suicide by hanging herself +in a shed adjoining her dwelling, the property of Messrs +Wright, Knapton & Co. The beginning of the case was reported +in <i>The Argus</i> of 24th June. Inspector Woodhead read aloud a +letter purporting to be in the prisoner's handwriting, from +which we take the following."</p></blockquote> + +<p>("Cheerful subjects you choose, I must say," commented Archie, <i>sotto +voce</i>.)</p> + +<blockquote><p>"'Dearest mother, I cannot face the disgrace. I hope you will +forgive me for the trouble I am bringing on you. I have put it +off as long as possible, hoping things would get better, but +there is only one end to it."</p></blockquote><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span></p> + +<p>("Kid, eh?" murmured Archie, writing.)</p> + +<blockquote><p>"'I trust God will forgive me. I am not afraid to die, I am +afraid to live and face it. I cannot do E. this wrong. Please, +dear mother, think of me as I used to be. I have tried and +tried, but it is all no good, and I am better out of the +world. Give my love to everybody, and try, dear mother, to +forgive me.'"</p></blockquote> + +<p>"Time!"</p> + +<p>Archie leaned back in his chair.</p> + +<p>"Phew! Was that five minutes? Seemed short," he said. "Just a breather +before we transcribe." He lighted a cigarette. "I say, Jeff: do you +know any dealer who gives a decent price for second-hand clothes? I've +heaps here I sha'n't want any more."</p> + +<p>I had small use for such a dealer. "You might try Lamb's Conduit +Street," I said. "I've bought clothes there."</p> + +<p>"Silly ass—— I didn't mean that!" He was now monstrously careful of +my feelings.</p> + +<p>"Say when you're ready to transcribe," I said, pushing across a wad of +paper.</p> + +<p>"All right, let's get it over. I'll race you! Ready?"</p> + +<p>We plunged into our longhand transcription.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Ah!" I said, twenty minutes later. "Beat you, Archie!"</p> + +<p>He was racing through his last paragraph. "Not by much, you haven't," +he said, and then, following our practice with exercises at the +college, "No you haven't—you haven't signed—hooray!" he cried, +dashing in his signature and looking at his watch. "Thirty-two +minutes—pretty smart, what?"</p> + +<p>An hour later I left, with his exercise as well as my own slipped +between the leaves of Smillie's "Balance of Trade"—one of the +text-books he had given me.</p> + +<p>My hypothetical case was now completely prepared.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>And now I spared no effort to save him. When it is yours to slay or to +spare, you have in a sense slain even in sparing, for a life has been +yours, even as Archie Merridew's life lay in the folds of that signed +sheet of paper.</p> + +<p>I carried that signed paper in my breast pocket on the day of the +breaking-up party to Richmond. It had not been my intention to go to +this picnic, for the sufficient reason that I was penniless <i>pas le +sou</i>—but once more Kitty, to whom I had told some tale or other about +pressing work, had broken out upon me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh yes—of course—I might have known!" she had cried, doubtless +knowing that "pressure of work" tale of old from Frank and Alf. "Oh +yes—it was quite enough that I should set my heart on it and I might +have known you'd be busy or something! Busy!"</p> + +<p>Her scornful little laugh had set me tingling: I—busy! But I had +already seen that I should have to go. It had only remained for me to +climb down to the level of Frank and Alf in the easiest possible way.</p> + +<p>"Don't carry on like that, Kitty," I had said shortly. "It isn't so +much the work; the fact is I'd like to go; but I can't very well ask +them to pay me for the work before it's done, and the fact is I've +rather miscalculated this week. It will be all right next week, of +course."</p> + +<p>"Oh, if that's it," she had said, her hand going as naturally to her +pocket as if she had inherited the gesture as she had inherited her +features or her name.</p> + +<p>So I had accepted her purse, having accepted only meals before, and +Alf and Frank and I were of a marrow.</p> + +<p>The paper was in my breast pocket as we walked down to the stages to +hire our boats. We were a largish party, but except for those in the +boat in which I presently found myself—Evie, Kitty and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> Archie +Merridew—I have no very clear recollection of who was there. I took +one oar, Evie the other, Archie was not exercising himself physically; +and he lay back in the steering seat with Kitty. It was hot; I should +have liked to remove my coat; but I dreaded to part myself even by a +yard from that paper. As it was my movements caused it to work up a +little in my inside pocket; I saw a corner of it at the opening of the +coat; it had the appearance of wishing to take a peep at Archie; and +by-and-by Archie asked me why I didn't take my coat off.</p> + +<p>"Not clean shirt day, eh, Jeff?" he laughed, with the recollection of +numerous brown-paper parcels in his eyes.</p> + +<p>He himself was taking extreme care of a pair of spotless flannels, and +at one stage of the afternoon, I forget when, that suddenly struck me +as almost funny enough to shriek aloud at—his care for his flannel +bags and carelessness about everything else. It struck me as—I use +the words quite literally—devilishly funny. It fascinated me, so that +I could not keep from watching him. My eyes wandered from time to time +to the other boats of our party and of other parties, moving on the +shining river, but they always returned in less than a minute to him, +irresistibly drawn. This <i>galgenhumor</i> almost mastered me as the paper +again crept up to take another peep at him as he lolled, this time +with Evie<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> by his side, for Kitty had taken the other oar. It needed +so little, so little imagination to look forward and see, strung out +into the future, the results of that irrefutable Evidence in my +pocket—the inquest at which I should not even be called as a +witness—the funeral I need attend only as a mourner—the shock—the +hushing up—and the certainty of everybody that they knew all about +it! It was all horribly, horribly perfect....</p> + +<p>A picnic? Oh yes, this was a picnic....</p> + +<p>"<i>Do</i> take your coat off, Jeff—you'll be so much more +comfortable—why, you're streaming!" This came from Kitty, who had the +air of publicly possessing me, though only partly by reason of having +paid for me, I think.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'm quite all right—really quite comfortable," I replied.</p> + +<p>And then I thought of Evie, and that horrible humour rolled away from +me. Evie. What about her? She spoke even then.</p> + +<p>"Jeff's doing <i>all</i> the work," she said. "I'm sure Kitty and I could +manage the boat quite well."</p> + +<p>"Better stay as we are," I replied. "Archie and I wouldn't trim."</p> + +<p>Yes, what about Evie?</p> + +<p>Well, for her it was only a choice of sacrifices. The choice was not +of my determining; I put that responsibility on him. There was still +time; I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> would save him if I could; that was settled; but further than +that I would not go. Should she fail to survive the shock it would be +he, not I who had killed her. Better that, however....</p> + +<p>If you can see what else I could have done, tell me. I am willing to +learn.</p> + +<p>And so we went up the river, and drew in under a bank for tea, and +then went ashore for a walk, I with Kitty, he with Evie, and so back +to the boat again. I do not remember quite how the time went. I know +that the sun went down in a flush of rose, and that Japanese lanterns +appeared on the water and in the water in long smooth reflections, and +that parties were singing and playing banjos in the twilight. I could +not have sat by Evie—it really would have put the boat out of +trim—and so I had not to sit by Kitty either. She and I pulled again; +Archie and Evie in the stern seat were hardly distinguishable; and +Archie, who had been singing, was quiet again.</p> + +<p>And I must have succeeded in keeping that dreadful mirth of mine to +myself, for Kitty had noticed nothing. She stood by my side in the +crowded station afterwards, murmuring to me how lovely it had been.</p> + +<p>That is all I remember about that picnic.</p> + +<p>Nor have I any reason for not telling you the truth about this. I am +concealing neither the man<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> nor the devil in me. For many years I have +been almost entirely untroubled by it all, and I make even this slight +qualification only because during the last month I have had feelings, +not of remorse, but of something that is better described as a sort of +backward curiosity. Perhaps it is a little more even than that, for a +certain measure of admiration is not entirely absent from it. Don't +misunderstand me, however. That tincture of admiration is not so +strong that I cannot rest unless somebody admires my cleverness with +me. Nothing irresistibly urges me to give myself away. But I have felt +a little that backward pull of a man's own acts. I do not know, though +practically it has not come near me, why men revisit places. I do not +revisit that house near the Foundling Hospital—yet I do write this +shorthand carefully locking my door before I begin and committing it +to the most private recess of my cabinet as I complete each +instalment.... Yet other compunction, if this be compunction, have I +none. I am rich, I am serving my age by a more arduous grappling with +its economic problems than any of my contemporaries, I could have had +Pepper's knighthood had I wished for it, and I have been married this +long time to Evie Soames.... No, on the whole I do not believe in +melodramatic retributions. No shadowy shape of a fair-haired and +red-waistcoated figure<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> glides at my elbow or steps with me into my +brougham, and when I close my eyes at night I do not see as on a +painted curtain that dimity-papered, lamp-lighted upper chamber of +his. I do not start at sudden sounds, nor fear to be left alone in my +library when it grows late. I play with my clean-born children. Evie +is happy with me. And I even have Miss Angela in a cleft stick—for, +when things go well, she is my gentle and much-loved maiden aunt by +marriage, but when they go across she is my mother-in-law, who would +stare incredulously at any who might hint that my brain could plot a +horror and my two hands execute it.</p> + +<p>And yet I write this, and sometimes waste an hour in wondering why, +all of a sudden, Kitty Windus threw me over without giving a reason, +and, when I went for one, had left her rooms in Percy Street and gone +goodness knows where.</p> + +<p>But bah! They are wrong who say that for every crime somebody has to +pay. They speak from hearsay. I do not speak from hearsay. To my own +knowledge one crime has been committed for which nobody has paid and +nobody ever will.</p> + +<p>Well, things are as they are ... and so I will make an end.</p> + +<p>My desperate struggles to save Archie Merridew included an interview +that I had positively to force from Miss Angela. I had to force it for +the reason<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> that, though I was now theoretically exculpated from the +charge under which I had lain, slander always sticks, and some of it +still stuck with Miss Soames in spite of her efforts to forget it. +That, I think, was the reason why she saw me in the dining-room at +Woburn Place instead of in her own sitting-room, where, I knew, Evie +was. There, among the empty chairs, toying with Mr. Shoto's +napkin-ring and putting it down again as I remembered whose it was, +and then unconsciously taking it up again, I told her in such terms as +I could find how matters stood. She nodded from time to time.</p> + +<p>Again it was not my fault if she failed to understand. She did, I now +know, fail, and failed the more hopelessly that she thought she did +understand. Many, many thick wrappings lie between placid Aunt Angela +and the stark realities of Life.</p> + +<p>"I see perfectly," she said, when I had made that statement that would +have appalled any but herself. "It was exactly the same with George. +(I was once—engaged—to a man called George.) George put a precisely +similar case quite plainly before me. <i>He</i> was consumptive, or rather +his poor father was, and they do say it skips a generation—poor +George!"</p> + +<p>I shook my head, but she only sighed with gentle content. She did not +really miss George.</p> + +<p>"But," she went on, while my eyes wandered to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> the corner by the +sideboard where Archie had had his conversation with Mr Shoto about +the Yoshiwara, "I shouldn't have refused him for that. (I did refuse +him, and I heard afterwards that for weeks he ate scarcely anything at +all.) It was something quite different that came between us—I've +never told even Evie what the real reason was."</p> + +<p>I interrupted her. "Are you sure, Miss Soames, that you've quite +understood my real reason?" (More plainly I dared not speak, lest +later there should be a chink in my own armour.)</p> + +<p>"Oh yes!" she purred lightly. "Old woman as I am, I <i>quite</i> +understand! As you say ... 'the children.' ..." Then, forgetting her +attitude for a moment, she became playfully roguish. "Of course, it +isn't as if you weren't in love with Miss Windus, and so in a sense +feel it more nearly. You know how <i>you</i> would feel about it. I only +say this that you may see that I <i>quite</i> understand these things do +make a difference—eh?"</p> + +<p>"But when I solemnly assure you that that has nothing whatever to do +with it."</p> + +<p>She adjusted the Indian shawl coquettishly about her shoulders.</p> + +<p>"Ah, that's what you think! Come, Mr Jeffries you're positively +ungallant! As if I was so old that I'd forgotten! And not only George +either! I hope you won't be offended, Mr Jeffries, if I tell<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> you that +I suspect—I suspect—that in this I know you better than you know +yourself!"</p> + +<p>Against that phrase there is no argument. Some people do not and +cannot see. And again I did not think Miss Angela had the right to +extract from me the uttermost word. I was aware that the very +possession of that awful weapon of mine was dangerous; merely to have +it might be to use it; but the question is one of your resolve, and I +was fully resolved. My job had to be done, or (as I still dared in +certain moments to hope) not to be done; but if it was to be done, it +was going to be done thoroughly. My neck was not going into a noose +because of other people's blindness. It was of no use talking to Miss +Angela.</p> + +<p>And that being so, I abandoned my attempt with her. I smiled.</p> + +<p>"Well, perhaps you're right," I said. "When one is in love oneself, +and looking forward—well, perhaps it does bring it home to one. +Perhaps it makes one a little of a busybody. So," I concluded, "I hope +you won't exaggerate what I've been saying."</p> + +<p>And a few minutes' further talk of things she had actually seen for +herself in Archie—such things as his slight intemperance on the night +of the birthday-party—made me quite safe with Miss Angela also.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p> + +<p>To Kitty I was able to say even less than this. Indeed, she now +detested Archie so thoroughly that I was scarcely able to say anything +at all. And, looking back with all the care I am master of, I cannot +see that anything I did say could have been the cause of that +extraordinary breaking off with me without a word.</p> + +<p>To Evie I said nothing at all.</p> + +<p>There remained one more attempt with himself.</p> + +<p>The time I chose for this was fixed by the exigencies of all the +circumstances. I would have wrestled with him for the whole of the two +days that remained before his wedding, but his own absence for a day +precluded this. And as during that day I sought him in vain, I +thought, very wearily, that he must now take his chance. Therefore, +when it came to the very last day, the day before his wedding, I +recognised that that also gave a perfect touch to the Evidence. The +<i>very</i> eve of his wedding.</p> + +<p><i>Several</i> evenings before would somehow have been less plausible.</p> + +<p>As I walked to his rooms that night I carried with me three things. +Under my arm was my old brown-paper parcel—for to make a final use of +his bath had seemed to me the most natural excuse for my calling on +him. In my breast pocket I carried that piece of paper that was to be +the Evidence<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> to the world. And in another pocket I had his latch-key, +for which I foresaw a use later in the evening.</p> + +<p>I knocked at his door a little after eight, and Jane admitted me. She +gave a familiar look at the parcel that contained my shirt, and also +said something about a box Mr Merridew was leaving behind for the care +of which he wanted me to be responsible. I passed this box on the +first landing. It was locked, but only half addressed—Archie had not +yet secured the rooms to which he would return with Evie. But he had +not yet said anything about the box to me.</p> + +<p>I found him walking about his rooms, taking last peeps into empty +drawers to see whether there was anything he had forgotten. His +packing was finished, and he kept stopping in his prowl to throw +another handful of old letters on to the smouldering heap in his old +Queen Anne teapot of a grate. A little pile of these condemned letters +still remained by the side of his perforated brass fender.</p> + +<p>"Hallo!" he cried as I entered. "Just give a squint round, will you, +and tell me if there's anything so big I can't see it. And I say: I've +left a box downstairs; I wonder if you'd look after it for me? I've +told Jane."</p> + +<p>"Right!" I said. "Bath ready?"</p> + +<p>"All ready. By Jove! how letters do accumulate!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> You go and scrub +yourself, while I polish this lot off."</p> + +<p>I went into his bathroom.</p> + +<p>But I did not make use of his bath. Somehow I could not bring myself +to it. I only wanted the bath to be known as my motive for calling. So +I filled it, stood by it for a number of minutes, and then ran the +water off again. I took the same brown-paper parcel with me into his +sitting-room that I had brought out.</p> + +<p>I did not stay long after that. I was coming back. At nine I rose.</p> + +<p>"What, are you off?" he said. "I must say you take what you want and +clear off pretty quick! Supper'll be up presently."</p> + +<p>"A last stag-party?" I said. "I'm afraid you'll have to have it +without me. I've got to get to Bedford yet. So," I added, "I shall +have to wish you—you know—get it over now."</p> + +<p>"Oh, don't put on so much blessed ceremony!" he said. "It isn't as if +you weren't going to see me again!"</p> + +<p>It wasn't.</p> + +<p>"Oh, about that box," I said. "Better call Jane, and tell me in her +presence."</p> + +<p>"Well, if you <i>will</i> leave me to eat my last bachelor supper alone. +But I should have had to clear out myself just after. Got to have a +word<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> with Aunt Angela—she let's me call her that now."</p> + +<p>He moved towards the door.</p> + +<p>"Where are you going?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"To call Jane," he replied. "Bell's busted now—time I cleared out of +here—whole place is coming to pieces.... Jane! Ja—ne!" he shouted +down the well of the stairs.</p> + +<p>Then as Jane didn't hear he descended to the floor below.</p> + +<p>His old red woollen bell-rope lay in a heap on the floor. That also +had happened as a result of my studies in the British Museum. I busied +myself with it.... By the time he had returned I had made it quite +ready and was gazing thoughtfully into his fireplace.</p> + +<p>I went downstairs with Jane, who herself closed the door behind me. I +gave her a very express good-night.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>The remainder of that evening I can divide into four distinct stages, +and I will adopt that course, taking them numerically.</p> + +<p>The first stage was one of an almost overwhelming lassitude. I had an +hour and a half and more to kill, and this lassitude came upon me +suddenly as I walked slowly in the direction of Cheapside. I was in +its power before I recognised its dangers. The man of action had +suddenly sunk into abeyance<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> with me, and, now that all was ready, all +interest in my job had departed from me. The drudgery of actual +performance was all at once beyond my powers. I could have gone on +planning—I wished there had been more to plan—but now to carry +out....</p> + +<p>I collapsed suddenly.</p> + +<p>Why (I asked myself wearily) trouble after all! Why trouble about +anything? Life was short, yet already too long; its activities +overlauded, its glories contemptibly little; why waste it in +striving—nay, why live it all? Thirty years of it had brought me +nothing; whatever another thirty years might bring me I should have to +leave, and what would it matter after that whether I left much or +little? Nay, were there really an Infinite Mercy to be "squared," it +was perhaps better to cast myself before it helpless, naked, and +without profit of my life. Why not end it all now? Why not kill, not +Archie, but myself?</p> + +<p>I turned with bowed head down the Minories, and something within me—I +think it was that honest and beaten and bloody-minded +Jeffries—whispered "The River!"</p> + +<p>Presently I stood not far from the Tower, looking over a parapet into +the dark water.</p> + +<p>Yes, the river would settle it, that was the real way out. No more +Agency clerkships and red-and-green-lighted<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> apartments and sham +betrothals on the other side of that parapet. And no more +heartrending strivings to be free of the circumstances into which the +world malignantly thrust me back the moment I raised my head. +Striving? I realised all my striving in the past—Rixon Tebb & +Masters', the Method examination, my commissionaireship, the wanton +slander, my late perfected plan—and the thought that the years to +come might be but repetitions of all this hit me like a hammer. I +could not face it.</p> + +<p>Then a detached sentence from one of the books I had read in the +museum sprang up in my mind, and I started a little. The sentence was +to the effect that a man who leaps into water always removes his hat +before doing so. I did not remember that I had taken my own hat off, +but there it lay, on the parapet, at my elbow.</p> + +<p>Then, "Well, it will do to cover some other poor devil's head," +murmured that tired Jeffries, "Get it over, and send that +conscienceless young scamp to hell with <i>your</i> blood on his head. +Somebody always pays, you know."</p> + +<p>I removed my coat.</p> + +<p>But that tired Jeffries never spoke unanswered, and these words were +answerable. To make a hole in the water from sheer weariness was one +thing, but to destroy myself to compass another's damnation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> was quite +a different one. The other Jeffries spoke.</p> + +<p>"Why should you kill yourself for his sin? Each man must bear his own. +Nay, it is not committed yet and will not be if you are strong and +play the man. Are you going to fold your hands and allow Evie...."</p> + +<p>And at the thought of Evie I felt my sluggish blood creep again.</p> + +<p>"You live in a practical world—be practical," continued that satanic +James Herbert. "Prevention is better than cure. Even could he be +punished afterwards, how much better off would <i>she</i> be ... <i>then</i>? +What right have you to bring this horror on her? He's selfish, +ignorant, cruel—it would be dreadful at the best; but ... oh, think, +man! Think of her now ... and to-morrow!"</p> + +<p>"You only want her yourself," growled the other.</p> + +<p>"You do—but that's not your motive!" cried the first. "You've +overlooked all he's done to you—but this isn't to you! Coward—if you +allow it! You won't allow it—to kill him would be better than to +allow it.... Come; what time is it? She'll be preparing for bed by the +time you get there."</p> + +<p>I put on my hat and coat again.</p> + +<p>This was my first stage.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span></p> + +<p>The second began with my approach to Woburn Place.</p> + +<p>The sitting-room with the pink-shaded lamp lay at the front of the +house, but Evie and her aunt slept at the back. The sitting-room was +in darkness as I passed. I took a side street, and then a back cartway +used by tradesmen. A high wall was in front of me, but by stepping +back I could see the hinder part of the row—landing windows, bathroom +windows, tiny conservatories, bedrooms—various oblongs at different +levels, some blinded, some with lamps, many in darkness. Behind me was +a mews, with horses that moved their feet in their litter and dragged +at chains from time to time.</p> + +<p>The tradesmen's entrances were unnumbered, and I do not know whether I +hit on the right house; but that did not matter. I have mentioned my +uncommon powers of mental visualisation, and these sufficed me. I +fixed my eyes on a window; it might or might not have been Evie's; but +to all intents and purposes it was. Somebody was retiring there, and +the blind was lowered.</p> + +<p>I saw no hand, no shadow on the blind. Only the light went out +suddenly, and from the sound the blind made as it went up I judged it +to be a spring blind. A piano had begun to play somewhere, but save +for that all was silent.</p> + +<p>It was the last of her single days.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p> + +<p>To-morrow.</p> + +<p>My heart was hideously alive again. What! Fold my hands—drown—and +Evie as she still was up there.</p> + +<p>Soft and terrible ejaculations began to break from my lips.</p> + +<p>"Ah, would he? Would he? He would, would he?"</p> + +<p>A clock struck half-past eleven.</p> + +<p>This was my second stage.</p> + +<p>I will begin the third at the moment when I pushed gently at the gate +over the whitewashed area near the Foundling Hospital.</p> + +<p>His light still showed over the leads, but the basement was in +darkness. Evidently Jane had gone to bed. I felt in my pocket for his +latchkey, mounted the three steps, and with infinite softness put the +key into the lock and turned it. The door opened noiselessly, and I +prevented the click as I closed it again by letting the little brass +knob gently back with my thumb. Then silently I began to mount his +stairs, passing on the way the locked box that had been put into my +charge. I reached the top. The first sound I had made since entering +the house was my tap at Archie's door.</p> + +<p>"Come in!" his tenor voice called from behind the door.</p> + +<p>I entered.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p> + +<p>At first he did not seem more than ordinarily surprised to see me; it +was only after a moment that the oddness struck him.</p> + +<p>"Hallo!" he began, in natural though not altogether cordial tones.... +Then, "Hallo! I thought you were in Bedford by this time."</p> + +<p>"Missed my train," I said.</p> + +<p>He stared mistrustfully....</p> + +<p>He had been preparing for bed. He had removed his collar and tie, and +his red waistcoat was unbuttoned. Through the chink of his bedroom +door I saw the light of his second lamp.</p> + +<p>In his surprise at seeing me back again, he had half risen from his +arm-chair. He remained, his hands on the arms of it, neither sitting +nor standing, as he asked suddenly, "Who let you in?"</p> + +<p>"Myself," I answered, in an even tone. "A little unceremonious, +perhaps, but I knew Jane had gone to bed and didn't want to fetch you +down. The fact is, I've found your latchkey."</p> + +<p>"You've found my latchkey!"</p> + +<p>"In my coat pocket. Don't ask me how it got there. Our two coats were +hanging together one night, but even then I don't quite see.... Here +it is anyway."</p> + +<p>I put it on the table.</p> + +<p>"That's a rum 'un," he said, slowly sitting down<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> in his chair again, +but keeping his eyes on mine. "So you came back to give it me?"</p> + +<p>"I came back to give it you. Besides," my eyes were on his slender +bare neck, "since I was coming back—I thought I'd like another word +with you before——" I paused.</p> + +<p>For a moment I could not understand the readiness with which he took +up the thing I had not said. His lips had compressed a little.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Again?" he said, with a little kindling in his eyes.</p> + +<p>"'Again'?" Then I saw. He had seen Miss Angela during the last hour, +and she had doubtless spoken of my own call on her. "Yes, again," I +answered.</p> + +<p>That third stage had a curious close. That close was nothing less than +the reunification of those two halves of the Giant to the fabulous +splitting into two of whom I have likened my mental state. They came +together again, these two halves, as the two forces come together that +make the thunder clap ... but of this in a moment.</p> + +<p>After several moments of increasingly rapid talk, we were both +standing, he defiantly with one hand on the edge of the mantelpiece, I +at the other end of the hearth. He had risen a moment before at +certain words of mine, as if to inform me that our interview was over. +Once I had seen his eyes move<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span> towards the place where the bell-rope +should have been, but that lay, a red woollen heap, on the floor +behind me, and he would have had to pass me in order to get into his +bedroom. He had found an appearance of forcefulness in the use of +violent words.</p> + +<p>"Why, damn your impudence!" he blustered. "Look here, my good man! If +you suppose I'm going to be talked to like this by you or anybody +else——"</p> + +<p>"Then deny the fact," I said for the fifth time.</p> + +<p>"I'll not deny or anything else till I know what right——"</p> + +<p>"I know it comes late, but I've spoken of it before."</p> + +<p>"Yes—sneaking behind my back!" he said hotly, probably again +remembering his recent conversation with Miss Angela.</p> + +<p>"To your face."</p> + +<p>"Yes—and if it hadn't been for something else I should have told you +then what an interfering devil you were!"</p> + +<p>"Merridew," I said slowly, "it's the last time."</p> + +<p>He sneered.</p> + +<p>"I'm glad of that—and confound you for a meddler!" he cried. "If +that's all you came for, get out, and I'll get somebody else to look +after my trunk!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p> + +<p>We were silent for a space, and in that space I heard the voice of +that human Jeffries, almost pitifully seeking still to save him. "Give +him every chance," sobbed that Jeffries, "he's only a weakling—you +could crush him mentally as you could physically—it would be little +better than infanticide—try him again—show him that red thing on the +floor—and that carved thing on the door."</p> + +<p>But now Archie in his turn seemed to have become divided. He had +suddenly turned white. But an habitual pertness still persisted in his +tongue. I don't think this had any relation whatever to the physical +peril he seemed at last to have realised he was in. I stood over him +huge and black as Fate.... "Spare him if you can," that generous +bloodthirsty devil in me muttered quickly.</p> + +<p>"Merridew," I said heavily, "you'll disappear to-morrow morning ... +<i>or</i>——"</p> + +<p>"Shall I?" he bragged falteringly....</p> + +<p>"And you won't come back. I shall stay here to-night and put you into +the train myself."</p> + +<p>"Then you'll have to sleep in the bath—and you should know by this +time how small that is," came from his lips.</p> + +<p>And yet it came only from his lips. His terrified heart had no part in +it. His only chance now was to have screamed aloud.</p> + +<p>But he did not scream. Instead, he stooped<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span> swiftly, caught up the +poker, and struck at my head with it.</p> + +<p>It was then that the thunder-clap came, and that I was James Herbert +Jeffries, whole, and a murderer. Swiftly as Archie and I came together +the halves of that Giant came together. Instinctively I had guarded my +head, perhaps realising—I cannot say—that a single drop of blood +might mean for me precisely what I intended to do to him; but it +mattered little whether blood blinded my eyes or not. Another redness +gorged me, and then, my mind became whitely blind. As colours are lost +on a disc that revolves, so all my plans and preparations spun and +mingled. All was there, yet nothing was there. For an instant my +visual memories of that pleasant, dimity-papered apartment stood +separate; my own old experiences and new divinations also stood +separate; I saw ahead, three or four minutes ahead, his struggles in +my great arms, my left arm about his ankles, my right hand over his +mouth, the red of the woollen bell-rope against his white neck ... and +then all wheeled hideously together....</p> + +<p>I was upon him, smothering him with my bulk, and wondering even as I +bore him backwards to the door whether I myself was bleeding....</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>The fourth stage was characterised throughout<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> by an extraordinary +quietness. There was the light sound of the turning of paper in it, +for I had to search in a pile of old books and papers for his +shorthand pad and to make sure I had the right one—I had to take from +my breast pocket another sheet of paper and to glance at that also to +make sure that it also was the right one—and then I had to approach +the bedroom door and to drop this into his pocket....</p> + +<p>But before I did any of these things I tiptoed to the mirror over the +mantelpiece in order to see whether I bled.</p> + +<p>I did not. My left eye was of a dull red, but not with blood, and I +could deal with that. As a preparation for dealing with it I emptied +at a draught the brandy flask he had prepared for his journey on the +morrow.</p> + +<p>Softly as a cat I continued to move about.</p> + +<p>Then I had to remember which of his stairs creaked to the tread. They +were the fourth and the tenth from the first landing; I knew that as +well as I knew my own name; and yet for a time I really could not +remember the numbers.</p> + +<p>The room was quiet as a grave as I gave a final glance round at the +displayed Evidence....</p> + +<p>Then behind his Queen Anne grate a cricket began to sing.</p> + +<p>Nobody saw me leave the house. I had to bring<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> his latchkey away. +Without it the latch would have clicked as I closed the door from the +outside.</p> + +<p>Then I crossed Mecklenburgh Square and walked towards King's Cross.</p> + +<p>A quarter of an hour later an apparently very drunken man of uncommon +stature lurched heavily through the swing doors of my public-house and +fell full length on the floor in the middle of a knot of drinkers. A +barman dived quickly under the flap of the counter, with an "Outside!" +rushed towards me. I was hauled to my feet. I had a hand over one eye.</p> + +<p>"<i>'E's</i> copped the brewer all right!" a cheerful voice sounded in my +ear. "Just smell 'im! Must ha' been drinking it straight out o' the +cask."</p> + +<p>"'Ere—'old 'ard—ain't it your lodger?" somebody else said suddenly.</p> + +<p>"Is it? Lumme, so it is! Look at 'is eye!"</p> + +<p>"Ain't 'alf a mouse!"</p> + +<p>"'Ere, 'elp me up with 'im the back way, Jim—Lord! 'e weighs a ton! +I've never known 'im 'ave a drink 'ere, but there, they get it at one +place if they don't at another."</p> + +<p>Then somebody bawled to me:</p> + +<p>"Look out—don't blow your nose—you'll 'ave your eye up if you do!"</p> + +<p>But I wanted my eye "up." Up it came instantly, large as an egg, and +there was a laugh.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, 'e won't brag much about where 'e got <i>that</i>!" somebody said.</p> + +<p>And they helped me up to my red-and-green-lighted room.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" > + +<p>They say somebody always pays. Well, this my story. It is a long time +ago, and nobody has paid yet. Nor, as far as I can see, is it likely +that anybody ever will. There is only one detail that I have not been +able properly to attend to, and even that has attended to itself—for +of course Kitty Windus fled because she realised that I was in love +with Evie. I could hardly expect her to stay after that.</p> + +<p>No: nobody has paid. Nobody ever will.</p> + + +<p class="nowcen">THE END<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p> + + +<br><br><br> + + +<p>Notes for "In accordance with the evidence" by Oliver Onions</p> + +<p>Page 32--a word was unreadable and was best guessed as "pretence".</p> + +<p>Inconsistant hyphenation and spelling are kept as in the original.</p> + +<p>Mr and Mr. were kept as in the original.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's In Accordance with the Evidence, by Oliver Onions + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE *** + +***** This file should be named 37919-h.htm or 37919-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/9/1/37919/ + +Produced by Quentin Johnson, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: In Accordance with the Evidence + +Author: Oliver Onions + +Release Date: November 4, 2011 [EBook #37919] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE *** + + + + +Produced by Quentin Johnson, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + IN ACCORDANCE + WITH THE EVIDENCE + + OLIVER ONIONS + + + + + + + + + + IN ACCORDANCE + WITH THE EVIDENCE + + BY + + OLIVER ONIONS + + Author of "The Exception," etc. + + GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + NEW YORK + _Publishers in America for Hodder & Stoughton_ + + + + + + + Copyright, 1913 + + BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + + + + + + TO + WILLIAM ARTHUR + LEWIS BETTANY + + + + + CONTENTS + + + PART I PAGE + + HOLBORN 11 + + PART II + + WOBURN PLACE 113 + + PART III + + THE GARRET 191 + + + + + + + +PART I + +HOLBORN + + + + + +IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE + + +I + +It seems strangely like old times to me to be making these jottings in +Pitman's shorthand. I was surprised to find I remembered as much of it +as I do, for I dropped it suddenly when Archie Merridew died, and +Archie's clear, high-pitched voice was the last that ever dictated to me +for speed, while I myself have not dictated since Archie took down his +last message from my reading. That will be--say a dozen years or more +ago next August. It may be a little more, or a little less. Nor, since I +do not keep it as an anniversary, does the day of the month matter. + +Either in my rooms or his, we had a good deal of this sort of practise +together about that time, young Archie and I--reading aloud, taking down +and transcribing. I am wrong in speaking of my "rooms" though; I had +only one, a third-floor bedroom near the very noisiest corner of King's +Cross. It was just opposite one of these running electric advertisements +that changed from green to red and from red to green three times every +minute; you know them; there are plenty of them now, but they were new +then. The street was narrow; this horrible thing was at a rounded corner +not more than five and twenty yards away; and even when my lamp was +lighted it still tinged my ceiling and the upper part of the wall above +my bed, red and green, red and green--for I had only a little muslin +half-curtain and no blind, and if I wanted to read in bed I had either +to turn my lamp out until I had undressed or else to undress in a corner +by the window side of the room, because of being overlooked from across +the way. I don't think there were any other lodgers in the house. It was +a "pub," the "Coburg," but I could get on to the staircase without going +through the bars on the ground floor, and always did so. The rather sour +smell of these lower parts of my abode reached me up my three flights of +stairs, but I had got used to that. It was the noise that was the worst +(except, of course, that red and green fiend of an advertisement)--the +noise that greeted me when I woke of a morning, awaited me when I came +back from Rixon Tebb & Masters' at night, and often became maddening +when, at half-past twelve, they clashed to the iron gates of the +public-house and turned the topers out into the street, to fraternise or +quarrel for half-an-hour or more beneath my window. + +But we worked more in Archie Merridew's rooms than in mine. "Rooms" is +correct here. He had the whole top floor of a house near the Foundling +Hospital, a pretty house with a fan-lighted ivy-green door, early +Georgian, a brightly twinkling brass knocker and bellpulls, and a +white-washed area inside the railings to make the basement lighter. His +folks lived at Guildford; his father paid his rent for him, thirty-eight +pounds a year; and his pleasant quarters under the roof had everything +that mine hadn't--he could sit outside on the coped leads when the +weather was hot, draw up cosily to a fireplace shaped something like a +Queen Anne teapot when it was cold, and the ceiling, truncated along one +side, didn't begin to turn red and green the moment the twilight came. + +It gives me a shiver to think how atrociously poor I was in those days. +More and more of that too comes back with the half-forgotten shorthand. +I don't mean that I've ever forgotten that I used to be poor; it's the +depth and degradation I mean and that--this will seem odd to you +presently, as it seems suddenly odd to me as I write it--that memory is +still more horrible to me than anything else I have ever known. My +having got rich since doesn't wipe it out. If I were to become as rich +as Rockefeller I should never forget the rages of envy, black and deep +and bitter, that used sometimes to take me when I thought of Archie +Merridew's circumstances and my own. + +I have got riches as I have got everything else--_everything_--I ever +wanted, by attention to detail. You'll probably agree with me by-and-by +that by "attention to detail" I mean rather more than most men do when +they give this advice to young men about to start in life. I remember +they used to give us, as it were, the empty form and shell of this maxim +at the Business College, the place in Holborn Archie and I attended; but +you've got to have been down into the pit and come back again before you +realise the terrible force there is in these truisms. And no less in +doing things than undoing them afterwards (when that has been necessary) +have I planned to the very last _minutiae_. If I have never seemed a +particularly busy man, that has been because I have always disliked +being seen in the act of doing a thing. And where I have passed my trail +is obliterated. + +Archie Merridew and I were only half contemporaries. He was younger than +I by a good seven years--was, as a matter of fact, only twenty-three +when he died. And in nearly everything else we were as sharply +contrasted as we were in our fortunes. Indeed, we were much more so, for +while I miserably coveted that thirty-eight pound upper floor of his +near the Foundling Hospital, my faith in myself and my ambition would +have helped me over that. Physically, we were as different as we could +be. My almost gigantic size made me, in my cramped red and green lighted +apartment, an enormously overgrown squirrel in the smallest of cages; +but to Archie's rather dandified little dapperness his series of roof +chambers was spacious as a palace. Mentally we diverged even more. I was +taciturn, he lively as one of the crickets that used to chirp behind his +little Queen Anne teapot of a fireplace. And as for luck--well, if luck +ever so much as nodded to me in those days, it seemed to change its mind +and to pass by on the other side, while he seemed to pull things off the +more easily the more recklessly he blundered. + +And he had his people at Guildford, while I had never a soul in the +world. + +I don't know how we contrived to hit it off as well as, on the whole, we +did. Perhaps that too was part of his lucky disposition--he could get +along even with me. He always spread some sort of a weak charm about +him, and this charm always disarmed me even, when to all intents and +purposes he was merely rubbing in my horrible poverty. He would tell me, +as if I wasn't already eating my heart out about it, that it was about +time I made an effort--that _he_ wasn't going to remain in those stuffy +diggings of his all _his_ days--and that if he had only half my brains +he'd be up somewhere pretty high in a very short time (as he probably +would had he lived)--all this, you understand, for my good, the +cigarette gummed to his prettily shaped upper lip wagging as he talked, +and with the best intentions in the world. He was quite devoted to me; +would tell me how he had told other people about those extraordinary +brains of mine; and he never dreamed (though it was not long before I +began to) that our respective ages were even then making of our +companionship a hopeless thing. A lad of seventeen may attach himself +for a time to a man whose years number twenty-four of bitterness and +exclusion, but they will part company again before the one is +twenty-three and the other thirty. + +I was only an evening student at the Business College, while Archie +spent his days there. Often enough he did not turn up in the evening at +all; indeed, he only began to do so with unfailing regularity some time +after Evie Soames had put her name down for the social evening course of +lectures on Business Method. Evie Soames was a day student too, though +only on three days in the week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; and +the lectures on Method were given in the evening because they were +specially addressed to those who, like myself, were employed during the +day, and deemed to be ripe for the more advanced instruction. I don't +think Archie was very much wiser for Weston's (our lecturer) efforts, +but he was genuinely grateful to me for my explanations of them +afterwards, and would pat me on the shoulder affectionately, and tell me +he couldn't understand why everybody else didn't see what a rare good +sort I was. That was his backhanded idea of a compliment. + +I think, in those early days of mine, I hated pretty well everything and +everybody; and I cannot better show you how little I found to love than +by giving you, before I go on with my tale, an account of my day at that +period of my life--any day taken at random will do. + +I had to be at Rixon Tebb & Masters' by nine, why, I don't know, since +nobody else of any account whatever turned up much before half-past ten. +But eight of us had to be there by nine o'clock, and I will tell you how +our eight had been got together. + +You know--or don't you know?--that there are firms that contract for the +supply of "office labour" of all grades, from the messenger boy to the +beginning of the confidential clerks; holusbolus, in the lump, as much +of it or as little as you please. You pay, if you are an employer, a +certain number of hundreds a year, and the agency does the rest. One +down, t'other up; sack one man, and telephone for another. The agency's +supply, at the maximum of a pound a week, is practically unlimited, and +the firm escapes all personal responsibility in regard to its staff. + +I was one of these consignments of labour--or rather an eighth of one. I +don't know now what I did. I know that I addressed envelopes and checked +columns of figures and lists of names, quite devoid of meaning to me, +and got eighteen shillings a week for it. There was no chance that I +should ever get more than eighteen shillings. Ask for nineteen and the +telephone rang, the agency was informed of your request, and ... well, +three times I had seen that happen. + +One chance of escape, indeed, we had; the firm was clever enough to +allow us that. It was by way of what I may call the permanent junior +clerkship. The permanent junior clerk was, as it were, breveted with the +rank of the real clerks in the inner office; and so was hope dangled +over the heads of eight of us. There was the junior clerkship amongst +the eight of us. That or nothing. + +I need hardly say that jealousy, espionage, and scheming besmirched our +souls. + +Well (to continue my account of my day), I addressed envelopes or read +aloud from interminable lists until one o'clock, and then I lunched. +This we were not allowed to do in the office, so that usually I ate from +a paper bag in one of the quieter streets, or else had a scone and milk +at an A.B.C. shop round the corner in Cheapside. I was alone. My +fellow-stuff from the agency, always on the lookout for a pretext of +mistrust, found one in my (I admit) uncommon face. I put in the time +until two, when I was not smothering up annoyance at those who would +turn round to stare at a man who had been made half a head taller than +the rest of the world, in wondering whether those about me were as rich +or worse off than I, and whether they were able to procure a bath as +cheaply and easily; and then I returned to Rixon Tebb & Masters' again. +At six-thirty I proceeded home, washed, and went out to dinner. I dined +at one of the establishments near the corner of Pentonville Road; you +have seen them, there is an arrangement of gas-jets behind a steamy +window, and, in galvanised iron trays, sausages and onions and saveloys +fry. The proprietor of the "pull-up" fetched my dinner out of the window +on the prongs of a toasting fork, and I ate it in a small matchboard +compartment, or, when these _cabinets particuliers_ happened to be all +pre-occupied, at an oilcloth-covered table that ran down the middle of +the shop. During and after my meal I read the whole of _The Echo_--I was +allowed as a habitue to retain my seat longer than the casual diner. But +on the nights on which I took a bath (did I say I sponged on Archie +Merridew for this convenience, carrying my clean shirt in a paper that +also served for the wrapping-up of the one I had removed?), I added to +my obligation by supping with him also, and then we walked on to the +Business College together. My clothes I bought in Lamb's Conduit Street, +my boots in Red Lion Passage. I had always the greatest difficulty in +getting a fit in either. At one time I had the misfortune to make myself +very unpopular among the proprietors of a row of barrows not far from +Southampton Row. This was over the purchase of a collar, and the cub +under the naphtha lamp had made some joke or other about the uncommon +size I required, saying that the horse collars were to be had in St +Martin's Lane. The blow under the ear I gave him was heavier than I +intended; I am afraid I broke his jaw, and I avoided the street for a +long time. + +After the class, I either continued my studies, as I have said, with +young Merridew, or else took a walk. In this again I was always alone. I +went far afield. If I went west, I usually turned along Great Russell +and Guildford Streets, but the moths, English and foreign, of the half +light of this last thoroughfare caused me at one time to take the way of +Holborn and Gray's Inn Road. The nickname they gave me, they also gave, +I don't doubt, to fifty men besides myself, but it seemed somehow to +attach itself more conspicuously to me because of my general +conspicuousness. It was that of the mysterious and ubiquitous author of +a series of unelucidated crimes as to the nature of which I need not be +specific. + +Then, when I had walked my fill, I returned to my cage opposite the red +and green electric advertisement. + +This is a fair sample of my days at that time. + + +II + +There is a showy boot shop now where the Business College used to be; +the new place is in Kingsway. There, in Kingsway, I am told they have +methods and appliances undreamed of in my time--mechanical calculators, +wonderful filing systems, elaborate duplicators, and lectures on +Commercial and Political Economy and Mercantile Law--but the old Holborn +curriculum included shorthand, typewriting, book-keeping, and lectures +on method and not very much besides. When I left, I remember, they were +just beginning, as a high novelty, advertisement-writing. Later, I +myself took this class, though only for a few weeks. + +Even then, I think, the Holborn place was condemned to come down. A +second-hand book shop occupied the ground floor; and above the book shop +window three columns, each of three bow windows, one for each floor, +formed the frontage. The three bow windows of the top floor were ours. +Inside, the place was small and inconvenient in the extreme. It had been +a dwelling-house once, and the old fixtures still remained--dark +cauliflower wallpapers, heavy ornamental gas-brackets, and little +porcelain fittings by the fireplaces that still rang, in the second of +the two rooms that had been knocked into one to form a lecture-room, a +row of bells that resembled a series of interrogation marks. + +Only four women attended the classes. The business woman was, +comparatively speaking, a rarity then, nor can I quite make up my mind +as to how much things have changed in this respect and how much they +remain exactly as they were. They have certainly changed if it is all on +account of her certificate that a young woman can now walk into an +office and be promptly asked at what hour it will be convenient for her +to begin her duties on the morrow; and, lacking certificates, three of +our four students could hardly have fallen back on any natural diploma +of personal charms. I mean, in a word, that Miss Windus, Miss Causton +and Miss Levey were, to say the least, not remarkably pretty, though +Miss Causton was beautiful as far as her figure and movements went. + +But Evie Soames was very different. She was, in actual years, twenty; +but she seemed still to stand among the debris of her teens as an +opening tree stands over its sprinkling of delicate fallen sheaths in +the spring. Both graces and awkwardnesses of an earlier time still +clung, as it were, to her stem. She had, as I later learned, been at one +school until she was seventeen, at a second school until she was +nineteen, and now, after a year of indetermination and arrested +development at home, was still further delaying her maturity by +beginning again not very differently from the way in which she had begun +at fourteen. She had, of course, picked up a number of unimportant +acquirements by the way, but had never, in those days when I first knew +her, given it a thought that Evie Soames was a person Evie Soames might +well have some natural curiosity about. She moved, neither woman nor +schoolgirl, among the charts and files and dusty ledgers of the Business +College, slender, dark, necked like a birch, and with eyes than which, +when she looked suddenly round, the flash of a negro's teeth was not +whiter. + +I have told you how my days were passed, but not yet said anything about +my dreams. As I cannot speak of Evie Soames apart from these I will do +so as briefly as I can. + +Whatever else in my life I may have been, I have not, even in my dreams, +been a sensualist. It might in some respects have been better for me if +I had. But so far was I from that that I have even been charged (though +the charge is really as wide of the mark as it could well be) with a +certain inhumanity; by which I mean, not cruelty, but--how shall I +express it?--a certain inaccessibility to the ordinary human relation. +And I do not believe the woman lives who, given her choice of these two +interpretations of the word, would not prefer the former. Only in the +latter does she foresee her final defeat. + +Therefore, when at midday in Cheapside, or in Guildford Street as I +returned from my lonely rambles, or in Holborn or Oxford Street at the +hour when shops and offices turned out their human contents, male and +female, after the day's work, I watched the pattering feet on the +pavements, I was not stirred as the fleshly stockbrocker or +conscienceless "blood" is stirred. (You must allow me this +generalisation; you know what I mean.) My eyes did not meet other eyes +as seeking acquaintance. I never, in train or tram or 'bus, set off my +vacation of my seat for a woman against the bow or thanks I might +receive. I never, even at my loneliest, held a waitress or attendant in +talk for any satisfaction I had in her nearness. Whatever I have learned +from crowds, crowds have had nothing of mine. Nor, my heavy and immobile +appearance notwithstanding, was I (I affirm this) a solitary because I +was refused acquaintanceship. I was a solitary because I refused it. + +But what I refused in the streets by day, I could not sleep for seeking +when I lay down at night. What I sought I did not and do not know; I was +only conscious of a hunger within myself that, not being satisfiable by +the eye-profferings and other partial prettinesses of the crowd, were +never offered that sustenance. I have heard this hunger described as a +Divine Discontent, but that is to beg a question of some magnitude. It +might be a very different thing from that. It might just conceivably be +an Infernal Discontent. Or it might, in the case of a man who regarded +neither God nor devil--But I wander. This, I say, was my dream, and I +shared it with no sensualist. + +Of course you have already guessed why I say all this ... guessed what +happened. Between the commonnesses under the street lamps which I +spurned, and those dreams that were ever unseizably beyond my most +ardent reaching forth, I fell in love with Evie Soames. + + * * * * * + +There are, I know, men in whom a grim and uncompromising aspect is so +richly compensated for by other gifts that, like John Wilkes, they may +fairly brag that with fifteen minutes' start they would out-distance in +a woman's favours the most regular-featured buck in London. Therefore +(if I may use a "therefore" without egregiousness) it troubled me little +that Miss Windus, not to speak of her two companions, Miss Causton and +Miss Levey, found me unattractive. In that coin I could have repaid her, +had I wished, with interest. Since I did not wish, my attitude was one +of fully-armed reserve. All three of these women seemed to me to be for +ever proclaiming, if not in words, yet in everything but words, that +men, _as_ men, have worldly opportunities given them by a sort of +favouritism, and as a kind of present for their circumspection in +getting themselves born men--as if in this world either men or women +ever got anything they were not quick enough or strong enough or callous +enough to seize for themselves. Miss Windus in especial, a +sharp-featured woman of twenty-eight, with apertures like little scalene +triangles out of which her eyes peered with an expression quizzical and +weak and yet perky and self-confident at the same time (as if she was +saying perpetually to herself, "We may as well hear what _this_ one has +to say for himself!") struck me as being the final word in +self-importance and inefficiency. + +The top-heavy little Jewess, Miss Levey, was a very broker for gossip +and tattle, and the remarks she occasionally made about others to me +were quite enough to warn me that she would make equally free with +myself to others. Both she and Miss Windus seemed to shout aloud the +very sex-difference the existence of which they seemed at the same time +to be denying. They "could not think of giving trouble" when one or +other of the forty men placed a chair or adjusted a light or carried a +Remington for them; but they would have known how to show their sense +of the absence of such attentions all the same. + +I do not know that Miss Causton pleased me very much more, but she at +any rate moved with a wonderful physical harmonious grace and flow. If +one might judge from her hands and wrists (a business certificate on +which she ever bestowed the most sedulous care) she did not come from +quite the same social level as the other two--was, perhaps, the daughter +of a doctor who had married his house-keeper, or of a decent governess +whose decency had not prevented her from running off with a groom; but I +made no attempt to unravel either this riddle or any other that her +rather contemptuous grey eyes might contain. The attitudes she took in +reaching down a book from a shelf or passing her arm about the waist of +one of the other girls when they assembled for gossip were all I wanted +of her, and those began and remained a purely aesthetic satisfaction. + +Therefore there could hardly have been a more complete contrast than +there was between these apparently a-sexual yet in reality excessively +sex-conscious women and my delicate unawakened Evie Soames. She made no +more difficulty about giving me a "Good-evening," or "Good-night" than +she did with the rest of the world; and though for a long time our +speech stopped at that, it was yet as much as I had with any other +woman whomsoever. That I should get even thus much of what everybody +else in the world seemed to get as a matter of course came so gently and +softly over me that I did not dream of a worse misery that might lurk +hidden within it, and in those early days of my love a mother would not +have fought more wildly for her babe than I would have turned on any who +had offered to come between me and even this sparse sweetness that had +come for the first time into my life. + + +III + +The events I am now about to relate occurred during those early days, +while I was still content to possess my dreams, as if as long as I +closed my eyes the world would stand still about me. + +One November night, as the series of lectures on Method was drawing to a +close, I returned with Archie Merridew to his rooms, silent, but +exceedingly happy. The cause of my happiness will not greatly excite +you, it had been no more than Evie's "Good-night, Mr Jeffries," given me +as I had waited on the stairs of the college for young Merridew, who had +lingered behind to ask Weston something or other. + +I had heard them coming down from the landing above, and, looking up, +had seen the trail of Miss Causton's long grey coat and Miss Windus's +blue and green plaid skirt and her gloved hand on the shaky old rail. I +ought to say that the western-most of the three pillars of bow windows I +have mentioned as forming the Holborn frontage of the college was the +one that lighted the various floors of the staircase, and if parties had +ever been given in that old house before it had got quite so old, it is +odds that the embrasure in which I had just then been standing, that of +the first floor, had held a few palms in pots and a couple of figures on +its low window-seat many a time. But that night it had only held myself, +waiting in the shadow shaped like a coffin-shoulder that the globeless +gas of the landing cast. + +I had heard Miss Windus's little smothered exclamation. "_Oh!..._ That +man!" but instantly she had gone on talking in a higher voice. Certainly +she had had reasonable colour for the pretence that she had not seen +me--had I not happened to hear her exclamation. + +And if I had heard it, so, of course, had Evie. + +"Good-night, Mr Jeffries," Evie had said as she had passed me, and Miss +Windus also, as if suddenly discovering me, had given me quite a bright +"Good-night!" Miss Causton also had given me a languid, almost insolent +smile. + +I was happy. I should probably have taken myself and my happiness off +somewhere had it not been that that evening I had made use of Archie's +bath, and had left in his place, besides that paper parcel I have +mentioned, a notebook of which I had need. So I had returned with +Archie, and, not intending to stay, had yet sat down, overcoated as I +was, before his fire. + +"Better take your coat off for a bit," Archie said. "I'd like a squint +at your notes too, if you're not in a hurry." + +The notes were part of our preparation for the examination in Method +which was to be held shortly before Christmas. I threw apart, but still +did not remove my coat, and Archie took up my notebook and read as he +stood. Presently, feeling for a chair with his foot, he sat down, still +reading the notes. + +He looked up from time to time, but the questions he put barely +interrupted my reverie. I stared at the fire in the pretty old-fashioned +grate. He had no gas up there; his cardboard lamp-shade, green outside +and a little heat-browned inside, stood on a chenille-clothed table; and +he had given the shade a tilt for his convenience in reading. Thus the +fireplace end of the room lay in a sort of irregular parabola of +illumination. There were bright circles on the ceiling above the chimney +of the lamp; then came spaces of cosy gloom; and below, in the pleasant +light, were his arm-chairs, his small book-shelf, and, the rail of it +catching the firelight, his high perforated brass fender. In the middle +of a great cam of light that lay over the dimity-papered wall between +his sitting and bed rooms, his dressing-gown, hanging from a hook in the +bedroom door, made a grotesquely human-shaped shadow. + +By-and-by, with the book on his knee and his eyes still fixed on it, +Archie began mechanically to unlace his boots. I looked up as he +reached for his slippers, and then resumed my reverie. + +I was glad that Kitty Windus, whether she realised it or not, had been +made the subject of an innocently awkward little snub. I couldn't stand +the woman. I couldn't stand it that, ignoring my existence when she +could, she spoke to me, when she did speak, with a false vivacity that +only enhanced the effect of her passing over at other times. And lest +you should think I was wasting my detestation on a rather insignificant +object, I must ask you again to remember what my days were. The whole +Scheme of Things seemed to be against me; but there is not much relief +to be had from taking a blind fling at the Scheme of Things. A man with +a grudge against the world will be very likely indeed to take that +grudge out of the nearest person. I was not prosperous enough to have +much time to waste on human charities. So, in my resentful hours, I took +it mercilessly out of one against whom, in my calmer moments, I had no +grudge except that she was not a thousand miles away. And if she had +been a thousand miles away, I should have vented my bitterness on +somebody else. I had to get rid of it somehow. + +But if my thoughts gave Miss Windus more of this than she fairly +deserved, perhaps Evie Soames got more in another sort than she deserved +either. There was not one of the few stray graces and sweetnesses I had +ever known that did not accrete to and abide about the thought of her. +No generous emotion, no human impulse I had ever experienced, but came +with adoration and rich gifts with which to exalt her. In my heart I +lighted tapers about her image. I did not ask myself whether she had +supplanted my dreams, existed side by side with them, or was indeed my +dreaming made truth. I did not wonder what she might have been in +another man's dreaming, nor whether, apart from the dreaming of some +man, she existed spiritually at all. I only knew that the fire inside +Archie Merridew's fender was not warmer than that central warmth that +seemed to steal (as if there also some bud-sheath had yielded) about my +heart as I pictured again her sapling-straight figure, the flash of her +turning eyes on the landing, and the tone in which she had bidden me +good-night three quarters of an hour before. I leaned back as it were in +some longed-for luxurious resting-place of the heart. I do not know the +origin of the tears that gathered in my eyes. + +Suddenly Archie threw the book on to the table and stretched himself. He +gave a yawn and put his feet on the fender. + +"Oh, I'm sick of work for to-day!" he said. "When are you going to start +smoking?" he added as he drew out a cigarette-case. + +I answered something or other--it didn't matter what, since my lovely +moment had gone with the breaking in of his voice. + +"Oh, well!..." he laughed, lighting up. Then, glancing at the blowing +end before throwing his match into the fender, he said: "I say--what a +jolly sort of girl that Miss Soames seems to be!" + +As the cold of a spring night freezes the newly mounting sap of a tree, +so I felt some sweet and vigorous change suddenly arrested in my heart. + +"Wh-who?" I said. I had to make two attempts at it. + +He laughed. + +"Oh, of course--I forgot, girls don't interest you. Like your not +smoking, I suppose. Hadn't noticed there were any girls at the +college--only see text-books and Remingtons.... Well, not to spring it on +you too suddenly, there _are_ four girls there, three of 'em rather +sticks, but the fourth a ripper. What a rum chap you are!" he concluded +with another laugh. + +He had drawn his chair still closer to the fire, and now sat with his +feet, not on the fender, but half-way up one of the pilasters that +supported the chimneypiece. As he kicked off one slipper and began to +warm one small foot on the iron-work just inside the pilaster, his +profile was turned to me; but I didn't at first risk stealing a look at +it for fear of meeting his eyes. Stealthily, however, and moving my head +as little as possible, I did so. It was a pretty profile--fair curly +hair thick on the crown, his head rather high at the back and of a long +shape to the chin, good nose, pleasantly curved mouth--the head of a +decent enough but quite unremarkable youngster of twenty-two. He was +neatly dressed in a grey stripe, and wore a black-bound red waistcoat +with brass buttons. I say he was decent enough, and so he was: I knew he +knew the taste of whiskey, but don't think he drank it very often. "Good +wholesome beer," he used to say with an air of experience, "was more his +mark"; but even then I think the experience was more that of his +companions than his own. You wouldn't have said there was much harm in +him, and he would probably have to spend his allowance unwisely once or +twice before he learned to spend it wisely. + +I made the moving of my chair an excuse for getting him better under +observation. + +"Oh yes, awfully jolly," he repeated, blowing a plume of smoke through +which the firelight shone rustily. "Fun ... no end of fun ... +rather!..." + +Then he smiled, and the smile came and went and came again as he smoked. + +I don't know why, up to that moment, I had never thought of it--never +thought of how it might already be or might presently become. I suppose +the reason was that a man cannot hold the commerce I held with dreams +without to some extent losing his touch of actuality. But now, at last, +I was awake enough.... As if the room had turned colder I pulled my coat +a little more closely about me. + +It was not then that that heart of mine, which I have likened to a bud +suddenly arrested in the moment of its unfolding, became more likenable +to a grenade with its fuse waiting exposed for the spark that should +bring destruction.... + +But I was quite calm. For the matter of that, I am never anything else +when it comes to the point. My angers have served their purpose when +they have brought me to the point. I _use_ anger.... Therefore, though I +knew already that three careless words of his had opened an immeasurable +abyss between us, I was able to speak to him without a tremor, from my +chair at one side of his hearth to him in his own at the other. + +"You mean Miss----What's her name?" + +"Soames," he informed me. "You know--that young girl--you must have seen +her.... Yes, full of fun.... I laughed.... I did laugh!" + +From the way in which he still laughed there must have been a specific +occasion for his mirth. I knew of none such. I wished to know, however, +and I also wished to know what he meant by "fun." Young men mean so many +things by "fun," and it--But I stifled something within my breast almost +before it was born there. When I spoke, my voice was as steady as it has +ever been in my life; but the devil, watching a soul that hesitates on +the point of sin, does not watch more closely than I watched that fair +boy with the cigarette dangling from his upper lip. + +"Ah, yes, I've seen her.... _Pretty, too_," I hinted. + +But he put, if he heard, her prettiness aside. He chuckled again. + +"I went last Sunday to the Zoo, you know," he said. "They were spending +the week-end in town--my folks. And I saw her there. Or rather, I didn't +see her at first, it was Mumsie who saw her. 'I think there's somebody +you know,' she says to me, and I looked, and there she was, bowing to +me. Then up came pater--he'd dropped behind somewhere--and blest if he +didn't know her aunt--she lives with her aunt--they have rooms in Woburn +Place. So we all went round together.... I started the fun by saying how +like old Weston the secretary bird was; so we went round looking for +likenesses--raked up everybody we knew----" He stopped, suddenly. + +He wouldn't, had he been a year or two older, have pulled himself up +quite so sharply. It is true he didn't go so far as to colour, stammer, +or bite his lip; but his meaning, or his inadvertence, or whatever you +like to call it, could hardly have been plainer had he done all these +things. An anecdote was related to me not so very long ago by an agent I +employ to advise me in my picture-buying. It was of the most sardonic of +our caricaturists, and this merciless artist had (so the story ran) +refused to caricature a certain person, giving as his reason that, while +a vain or over-praised or too consciously handsome face was fair game +for his ironic pencil, a face already heavily visited by nature went +free. But for Archie Merridew's sudden embarrassed check I might have +imagined that _my_ own visage might have gone free also. It is, after +all, not repellent. I bear quite a strong resemblance to at least one +public man whose photographs appear in the illustrated papers--a +distinguished scientist. My stature is the most striking thing about me, +and if your humour takes that turn you can find remote suggestions of +any number of people at the Zoo. + +I made, however, no sign, and he, judging his clumsiness to have passed +unnoticed, went on: + +"Funny the pater knowing her aunt like that, wasn't it? Rather fun +though. Mumsie said she must come down to Guildford for a few days and +stay with us; if she does I shall go home that week-end--you bet!" + +My answer gave me no pain. It came, I think, out of just such an +automatic reflex as causes an "opening" in conversation to call forth +its own obvious reply. It would have been more marked not to say it than +to say it, and as I am telling you, in my state of still tension it +didn't hurt. + +"Oh!" I said. "And when does one congratulate you?" + +"What d'you mean?" he asked. + +"Why, on your engagement." + +Instantly I knew I had said the right thing. There was nothing either +false or forced about the little exclamation he made, half scoff, half +laugh. His face was clear as crystal. By "fun" he meant, simply, mere +physiological laughter, the bubbling-up of the high spirits of his +years. Human resemblances at the Zoo are quite enough to call up this +purely functional giggling. She was "fun" (the odds were a thousand to +one) as his sister might have been fun; with a certain freshness and +sense of discovery perhaps, but otherwise not very differently. In spite +of the sequel, I still think I am right in making this statement. + +"Don't be an idiot!" he said.... "I say, Jeff, I couldn't quite make out +that about indexing and cross-references to-night. Did he mean that the +cross-references are a sort of double entry for when the subjects +overlap, or what?" + +But there was still something I wished to verify. + +"Who?" I asked. "The--secretary bird?" + +This time I think he did colour faintly, but as he had swung his legs +down from the fireplace and was reaching for my notebook again I could +not be quite sure. + +"Pass me the book," I said. + +For the next quarter of an hour I gave him as collected and lucid an +explanation of his difficulties as if I had had no other care in the +world. Then I lifted myself up. I buttoned my coat, put the notebook +into my pocket, and briefly recapitulated what I had told him. + +"Thanks, awfully," he said gratefully, when I had finished. "You are a +brick. _You_ ought to give the lectures instead of old Weston. I'm sure +if I pass this exam it will be all you. Must you go?" + +"Must." + +"Well--so long--I think I'll make a few notes myself before I forget +again." + +And, still master of myself, I left him arranging papers and feeling in +his inkstand for a pen. + + +IV + +I do not know but what I might still have retained control of myself +when I got out into the street again; I do not know, because I didn't +try. Instead, no sooner had I got away from him than I went temporarily +all to pieces. I remember I passed up Charlotte Street and turned into +Mecklenburgh Square; and there I leaned against the railings of the +garden that occupies the middle of the Square. I stood with my shoulder +against them, looking stupidly down at my feet. There was a thin and +melancholy mist; the lights of the boarding-houses and nursing-homes of +the east side of the Square struggled through it with difficulty, and +presently I found that my foot was playing absently with a few sodden +plane-tree leaves that had drifted against the kerb. + +Slowly, as I stood there, my stupidity gave place to a dull anger. I +don't think it was anger against anybody in particular; it was as +objectless as it was useless and exhausting. But if you have had that +gall in your mouth that makes all the world taste bitter, you will +understand my miserable rage. This changed presently to a shivering, +weeping rage The wide portalled door of a house opposite opened, and a +servant-girl came down the shallow steps to post a letter; I daresay she +supposed I was unwell or a drunkard; and a passer-by might have +concluded that I had an assignation with her, or had just had a quarrel. + +Then, when I had had a little ease of my anger, I pulled myself together +and banished it again. Now that I had come, tardily enough, out of my +fool's paradise of the past weeks, I had other things than purposeless +anger to think of. I moved away from the railings; the maid, returning +from the posting of her letter, quickened her steps to avoid me; and I +walked slowly northeastward through the Square. + +Quickly I became calmer still. Soon I was calm enough to recognise that +I needed this. "What," I said ironically to myself, thunder-struck at a +thing so very surprising! "Did you think that because your head was in +the clouds ... come, come, you'd better look at the thing; you mayn't +have any too much time, you know; if I were you I'd take a walk and +think it out." + +I turned into Grays Inn Road, and began to take my own advice. + +While I had no reason to suppose that she had fallen in love with him, I +knew almost for a certainty that he had not with her. He was not at +that stage yet. Already he was nibbling at other pleasures, and with a +youngster of his kind one or two nibbles mean three or four. They may +even mean ten or twelve. So far so good. I was still in time. I was, in +fact, so far beforehand that, of the three of us, I was probably the +only one who knew, not what had happened (which was nothing) but what +might happen--which was everything. That I took for the starting-point +of my consideration. + +And I saw that that, at the outset, was an enormous advantage to me. Not +only could I watch events, but I could watch them to infinitely better +purpose that I knew what to look for. They, when it came--the "it" I had +in my mind--(I ought rather to say did I suffer it to come) would not, +in the bewildering wonder of it, know what had overtaken them; while I, +by a timely use of care and skill, might even turn to advantage those +disadvantages of mine which, huge as a church, might have been deemed to +outweigh everything else. No more perfect cover for hidden motion could +have been devised than I already possessed. Who suspects, of anything, +one whom to suspect would on the face of it be absurd? I could, did I +find this necessary, use practically the whole of my conspicuous life +and narrow circumstances as a screen. + +I reached the top of Gray's Inn Road, crossed to St Pancras Station, +and, following the line of coal merchants' offices on the left side of +the road, plunged into the shadows of the Somers Town arches. It was +there that I thought of another thing that I must interrupt my +meditation to acquaint you with. + +You may have wondered why, if all young Merridew said about my brains +was true, I had still, after some years as an agency clerk at Rixon Tebb +& Masters', not been able to get away from the place. Well, the answer +to that is involved in a hundred other things that have ended, after +fifteen years, in my now being able to write this chapter of my personal +history at a great square mahogany and leather writing-table, with two +softly-shaded electric standards upon it, and, containing it, a lofty +panelled study, rich and quiet, with a carpet soft as thymy turf and my +pictures and carvings and cabinets mirrored in floor-borders, brown and +deep as the pools of my Irish trout stream. You do not want the whole of +that long story. I will tell you as much as is necessary here. The rest +I may tell at some other time. + +The truth was that I _had_ left Rixon Tebb & Masters'--had left the +place, and had achieved the seeming miracle of being permitted to +return. Such a marvel was without precedent, and I cannot say that it +had been accomplished altogether by my own contrivance. I said a little +while ago that there were eight of us, had over in a lump from the +agency; I also said that only by way of the junior clerkship was any +advancement possible from that slavery of addressing envelopes that +might have been for company circularisation or might have been sent over +in shiploads to the Flushing and Middleburg book-makers for all we knew; +and I had had the signal luck--I forgot this when I said that luck had +always passed me by on the other side--to present myself for +reappointment, without any hope whatever of getting it, at the very +moment when Polwhele had succeeded to this post. + +How Polwhele had chanced to be occupied as he had been occupied when I +had presented myself I understand only too well. Sneaking, prying, +slandering, peaching--you didn't become Rixon Tebb & Masters' junior +clerk without having been through the mill of all this and more. Poor +worm, he had got so used to it that he couldn't help it. Having attained +to the junior clerkship, he was going to work up through the seniors by +the same means, I suppose, and the means he had been making use of, at +the moment of my coming upon him, had been the furtive rummaging of a +waste-paper basket that had come--I knew this by the pattern of it--from +Mr Masters' private office. + +It had been, of course, the perfect opportunity for me, who was subdued +to sneaking and peaching also. I had leaned my elbow on the brass rail +of a tall desk and stood looking down on him--such a long way down it +seemed--he was on his knees. + +"Hallo, Polwhele!" I had suddenly said. "Going to put Samson Evitt out +of business?" And then I waited to see how he took it. + +I don't suppose you've ever heard of Samson Evitt. He has been a +solicitor; at that time he described himself as a waste-paper dealer; +and what he really did, and for all I know does still, was to buy up, +through a hundred miserable agents, and on the chance of coming upon +some private letter or secret draft, the contents of such receptacles as +Polwhele's fingers had been deep in at that moment. + +"Going to start in Samson's line, are you, Polwhele?" + +The colour of his face had changed as swiftly as that of the electric +advertisement opposite my bedroom at King's Cross. He had gone as white +as chalk. I had known perfectly well that he wasn't going to sell +anything to Samson Evitt, but was merely playing his own hand with the +firm; but he'd had no business at all with Mr Masters' waste-paper +basket, and knew it. It had been rather horrible, but I had known I was +as good as reinstated already. + +"I'm coming back, Polwhele," I had said. + +He had not spoken--only looked at me with eyes full of terror. + +"You're going to see that I come back, Polwhele," I had informed him. + +"My God, Jeffries, you wouldn't have the heart." + +"Oh no--not as long as I come back." + +Then swiftly he had seen his years of shifts and meannesses all wasted +unless.... + +"Oh my God! How can I do it?" he had groaned. + +"I don't know, Polwhele." + +I did not know, nor do I know now how he did it. Men do impossible +things when they've got to. That had been on a Friday evening, at a +quarter to seven (the zeal of a new junior clerk always kept him after +the others had gone). I had given him Monday in which to see to it. On +the Tuesday morning, at nine o'clock, I had been back at my envelope +addressing again. These things have to be done sometimes. And I need +hardly add that now Polwhele would have turned up at my funeral with a +smile on his lips and a nosegay in his buttonhole. + +Of the period between my leaving Rixon Tebb & Masters' and my return +thither I will not speak. You may guess at the nature of its experiences +from the fact that I was thankful to get back to my lists and addresses +again. + +It would have surprised my fellow-clerks, who saw in me one as listless +as themselves, to learn with what unresting energy I had worked since +then. I had resolved that my next leap from that frying-pan should not +be into the fire, and the means by which I was making sure of this was +the Business College in Holborn. I knew my great natural gifts and the +power that smouldered within me, but I had also learned, and in a school +where the lessons were well driven home, that power and natural gifts +were, for a man in my position, practically worthless unless they were +supplemented and guaranteed. I had got to get myself certificated. + +I don't know what certificates have come to mean nowadays, sometimes, I +fear, very little. They seem to me to have lowered the standard with the +utmost recklessness. I would not, in my own business, give a pound a +dozen for some of these artificially achieved successes that are offered +to me almost every day in the week, and it causes me no surprise +whatever when I see the highly certificated also unemployed.... But it +was rather different then. Once more I have forgotten my luck and railed +at the goddess. It was my luck to be certificated while certificates +still had a value, and for a year and a half I had drifted through my +occupation by day but worked with an almost demoniac energy by night in +order that I might not miss a single one of these tickets of +authenticity that it was possible for me to obtain. A First Honours in +Method would now complete my equipment. + +And, looking back now, I wonder how much superstition there was in it +that I wanted all the changes I was planning to come at once. For I +meant that the break, when it did come, should be clean and final. As +long as I remained with Rixon Tebb & Masters' my wretched single room at +King's Cross was quite good enough for an agency clerk; when I left +Rixon Tebb & Masters' I would leave those quarters also. Until then, I +don't think you could have dragged me out, so strongly had I this +feeling. Superstition or what you like, it had, for me, the force of a +large and wise, if not yet fully worked out strategy. They tried, of +course, at the Business College in Holborn, just as they are now trying +at the new place in Kingsway, to teach us this larger generalship of +waiting, withholding, massing, concentration, and then the swift +development and advance; but I don't think it was much good. You don't +get these things in return for so many guineas a year in fees. But I +felt their stirrings then.... I hope I have made it plain that neither +at the place in Kingsway, nor in my sordid lodgings over the +public-house, nor under the arches of Somers Town that night, was I +wasting my time. + +And now, like a match to all that I had prepared and was preparing, had +come the kindling thought of Evie Soames. + +I remember I walked to Hampstead that night, revolving it all. Walking +always steadies me, and by the time I had reached the Lower Heath the +mechanical calculators at the new place in Kingsway do not work more +coldly and mathematically than my brain had begun to work. The +advantages I possessed, which had been the first thing to rush into my +head, I allowed for the present to take care of themselves; I now +envisaged my disadvantages. + +You may imagine that these were terrifying.... I counted them, and was +unable to check my groans when, thinking I had come to the end of them, +yet another sprang up, stabbing me as it were from behind. They might +almost have been veritable assassins, springing out from behind the dark +bushes and copses near the Vale of Health among which I wandered.... +Think of them! Think of them! + +They, he and she, were of an age, or nearly; I seven years the senior of +the elder of them. They met on three days a week at the college, met +doubtless to snigger together over their "fun," only on three evenings +could I see her. Her people apparently knew his; she would go down to +Guildford, and my fancy might picture them, together there, taking +walks, telling stories over the fire, laughing at chance resemblances at +the Zoo. And all this time I should not cease for a moment to labour at +that garden of my ambition above the brown mould of which not a green +shoot yet showed. How (you must remember I was desperately facing the +worst that could happen and not the best)--how could they help but fall +in love? What would it be possible for me to do but to discover the +thing after it had happened? And when it had happened, what was there +then to be done? + +But I need not force all this upon you. You will see for yourself. Look +at it, then, and tell me where you would have conceived the odds to +lie--with my possibly large-planning but certainly slow-executing brain, +or with them and their opportunities and luck and gifts of circumstance +and nature, demolishable singly perhaps, but well-nigh invincible in the +sum of them? + +I weighed it as I strayed and stubbled about the benighted Heath. + +I returned from Hampstead at three o'clock in the morning. My horror of +red and green had long since been switched off, and I got into bed +during the only quiet interval that noisy and populous corner ever knew. +I had now balanced advantages and disadvantages together, and was +recapitulating the whole. Examining, setting aside, bringing forward +again to re-examine in other aspects, setting aside again, checking, +dismissing, estimating--my brain worked like a ticking instrument. +Clocks struck, but still I pondered; and I was as free from anger now +as if it had been another, not I, who had sought the support of the +railings in Mecklenburgh Square. + +And there dominated all my machination the single thought, that by no +slip or carelessness or overlooked detail must they be made aware that +I was watching them as a masked thief watches the uneasy sleeper upon +the bed. + + +V + +It was at Rixon Tebb & Masters' that I first began to know jealousy, or +at least the image of it. I find I must say a little more about this +place in which I spent my days at that time. + +I have said that Polwhele hated me; but nobody loved anybody else at +Rixon Tebb & Masters'. I have worked in offices that have been not bad +fun at all; offices where the fellows formed a sort of family, as they +did afterwards at the Freight & Ballast Company, with something not +unlike the family bond, the family jokes, and an interchange each +morning of the adventures of the night before not unlike the exchange of +items of news from letters about a family breakfast-table; but there was +nothing like that at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. There, one of us could +scarcely glance up over the little brass rail at his desk-head without +seeing, across the spaces where the green porcelain cones of the +incandescents hung, another furtive pair of eyes meeting his own and +looking almost guiltily away again. If the partners despised us for our +cringing before them they were right; we were a despicable set. I don't +think a friendship was ever struck up in the place. We hated, if for no +other reason, than because each of us knew his neighbour to be as +contemptible as he knew himself to be. + +It was in this atmosphere that I wrapped myself about with the thought +of Evie Soames. My routine work taxed my attention little; I could do it +as well as it needed to be done and live a whole free inner life at the +same time; and I was sometimes actually startled when, looking up after +some lapse and interim in which I had seen nothing but the shape of +Evie's birch-like neck and the brilliant motion of her eyes, I saw the +crafty gaze of a fellow-clerk on my face. Once I met Sutt's eyes in this +way; I knew his thought, namely, that he surmised the nature of mine; +and he smiled, a mean sort of smile. He didn't smile twice, though, +while I was there. I don't mean that I said or did anything, but I think +he knew what my look meant.... All the same there got about the +office--or rather about the corners and lavatories and behind screens, +for it never came nearer to me than that--the only joke I remember ever +to have been born there--the joke that Jeffries had all the appearance +of a man in love. I took the hint. Thenceforward, as far as I might, I +did not allow the faintest flicker of an emotion to cross my face. And +more than ever was I on my guard lest I should do so in a place where it +would have mattered more than it did at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. + +Then, long before I knew of any valid grounds for them, and before a +brain less prospectively active than mine would as much as dreamed of +them, came these jealousies. Perhaps, like my occasional angers and like +that secret fragrant flame of my love, they were emotions at large, +unattached to any person but bound sooner or later to become so +attached, and already seeking a quarter in which to alight. + +They wrung my heart. Hot flushes and rages sometimes came upon me with +no warning whatever. Sometimes in the middle of a column of figures or a +twelve-inch-high stack of addresses, a devil would slyly lift its +head--the thought that while I sat there polishing my trousers on a tall +stool and the wrist of my sleeve on my desk, he and my Evie +were--where?... I have in a remarkable degree that most precious and +most hideous of gifts, the gift of mental visualisation, at these times +it would have its way with me. I would see them in those moments where I +would and engaged how I would. Well nigh as clearly as I see the page +before me, I would see him, long boyish head and fair curly hair, red +waistcoat and cigarette, and turned-up trousers and all, now making +pretexts that something was wrong with her typewriter, now carrying a +specimen ledger for her, now choosing for himself a place from which he +could watch her, or even passing on to her the explanations of knots +and difficulties he had had the previous evening from myself. My fancy +(my reason at these times its helpless slave) would dog them--past the +general room into the lecture-room--thence to the back room where the +charts and apparatus were kept--thence back again through the lecture +room into the shorthand and typewriting and senior class rooms, and so +throughout every corner behind our three Holborn bow windows. There were +times when I used all my powers of concentration to see one of them +without the other, and failed.... And then the fit would pass and my +steady reason would reassert itself. I would tell myself I was a fool to +thrust knives into myself thus. She was merely that touchingly opening +fair young tree; and as for him, if his young male swaggerings in the +pride of his twenty-two years included any knowledge of girls at all, +they were probably girls of a very different class from hers. + +Then would come the other damnable series again, and the sweat would +stand on my brow. + +No wonder Sutt looked. + +Yet I am not sure that, for the sake of certain purely heavenly hours, I +would not go through it all again. Would you suppose that in that +five-shilling room of mine, where I had to flatten myself against the +wall before I could take my clothes off unseen--or as I dined on +sausage and mashed at my reeking "pull-up"--or as I roamed the pavements +in search of the physical exhaustion that should bring sleep--would you +suppose that in these places and living this life I could have heavenly +hours? Ah, but I could, and had!... I don't want you to think I am +sentimentalising about it. The public-house downstairs had knocked a +good many ideas about the sanctity of our common humanity out of my +head. I never, in my fourpenny dining-place, looked at the drayman or +porter at the next table and wondered whether he also knew the heights +and abysses I knew. Doubtless he had or had had his own, but all is +_not_ comparative. There _are_ grades in heaven and hell. I knew I stood +out, exceptional, destined, marked for signal honour or for signal +dishonour. I had no desire to persuade anybody else of this. These +things are beyond proof. Attempt to prove them and you but prove their +opposites. + +And so literally was this slender dark creature "my life," that often at +the college itself my resolution all but failed me. More (but not much +more) woman than child, she seemed at these times--what shall I +say?--not a wonder shrunk, but a receptacle strangely slight and tender +for the mighty things preparing for her. At such moments I found myself +looking years ahead--seeing many things over and behind us, and myself, +perhaps, turning my power elsewhere. And that moved me more than all +the rest. For my strength was ever being used for her. Service of her +was the law of it, as I now knew it had been its origin. I sometimes had +ado not to sob, when watching her young head bent over the page of a +text-book, images of great and brooding protection of enfolding and +strong and jealous wakefulness, filled my breast as I looked. I felt in +those moments that for every hair of her head I could have killed a man +and felt no compunction afterwards. + +Evie caused me far more anxiety than Archie did. At all times Archie's +vanities, quite as amusing to watch as those of any young girl, would +blind him to much that lay an inch or two beyond the end of his nose. He +was, moreover, deep in his examination work, and I had no doubt that, +once the examinations were over, he would indulge himself in a mild +little "burst" and flatter his seraphic self he was rather a devil in +his way. But she was more difficult. For one thing, hers was a richer +nature. She had, or would presently have, far more to give; and already +I saw that, as surely as Miss Windus was one of Life's takers, Evie +Soames was one of Life's givers. + +I watched--how I watched!--for the slightest of her unconscious +betrayals; and, of course, by dint of watching I was able to find a +thousand that presently vanished again. I drew trifling tremendous +conclusions from the merest nothings. She could not make a gawky, +captivating little movement but I would found something upon it, not a +pretty coltish gesture but I had my inference to draw. The smile, +perhaps, where lately the laugh would have been--the little check of +recollection, even as she was perching herself with a tomboyish swing on +the edge of a table, that she "was grown-up now"--slight little +ceremoniousnesses, stilted little phrases and momentary forgettings +again--I missed not one of these. My lovely, lovely flapper! Did you +know that you were twenty different creatures in a week, each beyond +words adorable until another swelling nodule yielded and allowed a peep +of a yet inner tender and rosy heart? + +Of course I see now that I was far too clever in all this. I had, in +fact, taken the course that was least of all likely to tell me what I +wanted to know. For, as a face seen daily shows no change and yet grows +relentlessly older, so, because of my watching, she changed under my +eyes and my eyes did not tell me she had changed. I have had in my time +various things to say about "woman's intuition." I, like the rest of us, +have set half of it down as guessing and the other half (the half that +events falsify) as a convenient forgetfulness. Well, I hope I make +amends when I admit now that in all this I owed my final enlightenment +to a woman, and to the woman to whom I would least of all have been +indebted--to Miss Windus. + +It was on a Friday evening that this enlightenment came to me. Fridays +were ever a pain to me, because of the three whole days that must +elapse--five if she failed to appear on the Monday evening--before I +could see Evie again. Believe me, the last minutes of those Friday +evenings always cost me dearly in emotion; and in order that I might +make the most of them I had some time before discontinued a former habit +of mine--that of working in the senior students' classroom. By so doing +I had forestalled any remarks on the fact that I was frequently to be +found in the same room as Evie. And even then I knew I was lucky to +escape Miss Levey's Hebrew intensiveness. + +But on that Friday night I was restless. An absurd trifle had unsettled +me (but I have told you how much such trifles meant to me)--nothing more +than an alteration in Evie's way of arranging her hair. Until then it +had been drawn back and massed in a thick little clump on her nape, +showing beautifully the small round of her head; but now she had parted +it (I did not think altogether more becomingly) in the middle, and had +evidently been making desperate attempts to "wave" it. Certainly the +change gave her at once a more adult air, which I supposed I should get +used to, unless, as was likely, she changed it again in the following +week. Her blouse also was new. It had a high lace collar up to her ears, +and I didn't like it in the least. It was mere concealment, without +concealment's charm. + +I was restless. I had begun the evening by working, for once, in the +senior classroom again; but presently, not happy where I was and not +wishing to go straightway into the lecture-room where Evie sat, I had +compromised by packing up my things and going into the room adjoining +hers--the general room. The reference books were kept in the general +room, and, presently, having need of one of these, I had crossed to the +shelf and taken it down. + +I ought to explain that these books were kept in three projecting bays, +such as one sees in libraries, that stood out at right angles from the +wall. Thus the books of each projecting wing faced both ways and between +the bays there was just room enough for the short library ladder of +three or four steps with the vertical staff to steady yourself by as you +stood on it. As I could easily reach any book there without the ladder, +I had passed the bay that contained it, and had taken up my place on the +farther side of the wing nearest the window, where I stood with the open +book in my hand. I forget what the book was. + +As I stood I heard Miss Windus and Miss Causton come into the adjoining +compartment. + +I had no great interest in either of these women--I may say none, since +I could not see Miss Causton's fluent hand; so, merely noting their +arrival, I was continuing my reading when suddenly I heard the name of +Evie Soames. It was Miss Windus who was speaking. + +"... Oh, I suppose so; in her way, of course--if that's all men want!" +she was saying. "Don't you think?" This with a little acidulous rising +inflection. + +Then I heard Miss Causton's indolent voice in reply. From the way in +which she spoke I fancied she was eating sweets. It had lately struck me +that she ate more sweets than both the other girls together, and if it +wasn't sweets it was something else. + +"Don't ask _me_, my dear," she drawled. "_I_ don't know what the +creatures want." + +"Of course not. They do seem to want such--odd--things. The way I'm +looked at sometimes--I declare it makes me feel perfectly ashamed!" said +Miss Windus. Why she said it I don't know. It was the purest hypocrisy, +and it was not likely to impose on Miss Causton, who had a nonchalant, +still humour of her own.... But on second thoughts I don't know. I was +not always sure, afterwards, when I got to know Miss Windus better, that +she didn't really labour under some such delusion as this. + +"Do they?" Miss Causton asked lazily. "They don't worry me much. So long +ago since I've seen one that I've nearly forgotten." + +There was a short pause, then: + +"Really, they stare so," Miss Windus continued, "look one so out of +countenance--one really doesn't know which way to turn!" + +"No?" came Miss Causton's ironical dawdle. "Oh ... with a chance, my +dear ... _I_ should!" ... I suppose she smiled as she said it. While +appearing to lay herself perfectly open she had far more to hide than +Miss Windus had. + +Miss Windus was shocked. + +"You _dreadful_ girl!... But really Louie, you must have noticed it. +Why, you can see it the moment she comes into the room!" + +"Really?" came the other detached voice. "How quaint!... Who do you +think she's after? Not the Baboon?..." + +I imagined the chuckle I didn't hear. I took it that the Baboon was +myself. + +"Mandrill, my dear," Miss Windus corrected. "You really must take a +memory powder!..." + +"Oh, I call it baboon," Miss Causton remarked with indifference. Then +she laughed.... "How ridiculous you are! He's as big as a man ought to +be anyway----" + +"Oh, quite!" + +"----and I declare you can look at him till he's quite good-looking!" + +"Oh!..." (I could almost see Miss Windus' quizzical eyes.) + +"Really, you are absurd!..." + +There was another short silence. + +"And by the way," Miss Windus next said, "_he's_ been rather--different +somehow--lately, don't you think?" + +Sweets crunched for a moment, then: + +"Different?... Do you mean _he's_ been looking at you in +that--ahem!--dreadful way?" + +"What, _that_ creature!..." + +"Beg yours, dear----" + +"_I_ should think so!... But I fancied he'd been somehow--not quite the +same----" + +"Well, anything for a change, as the song says. Myself, if I found I +couldn't get along without 'em, I should prefer----" + +But a "Sssh!" interrupted Miss Causton. Somebody had come into the +farther bay, and the rest for a time was whispering. + +When next the conversation became audible its tenor did not seem to have +changed. + +"Scented soap in a little celluloid box, too!" Miss Windus admired. + +"One must keep oneself clean," Miss Causton threw off. "Have some of +this, dear. I simply had to have some chocolate nougat to-night!..." + +There was a rustling of tissue paper. + +"Well, it's a sign, and so's her hair-waving and polishing her nails and +that lace yoke," Miss Windus resumed. + +"Oh yes, the pneumonia blouse----" + +"_And_ her heels--_and_ a scent-sachet!..." + +You see that I was quite deliberately listening. I am not putting on any +airs about it. I might have been Polwhele. I wanted to know, so I +listened. I did more than listen too. I watched. I knew that the shelves +were only half full on the other side; only a screen of stout wire +separated the books facing one way from those facing the other; and by +pulling out a book or two on my side I should probably find a +peephole.... Very softly I pulled three or four out, found my opening +and looked. Miss Causton appeared to be standing with her back towards +me; I couldn't see her; but I could see Miss Windus, sitting on the +library ladder holding its short staff, with her plaid skirt pulled +tightly about one carrot-shaped thigh. + +They began to talk again. + +"And another thing that makes me _quite_ sure, dear! She's going to +young Merridew's next week-end!" + +"Oh!..." + +"Don't be absurd. You know what I mean. To his parents', of course; they +live in Guildford.... Not that _she_ told me, oh no! Not her ladyship!" + +"Who did, then?" + +"Not her, though I gave her _every_ chance! Six months ago she'd have +told me like a shot, but we're getting so blessed artful these days!... +He told me." + +"Then it doesn't look as if it _was_ the Baboon?" + +"Oh, I daresay she'll leave you your Baboon if you want him." + +"Thanks. I think I should know which way to turn in _that_ case," Miss +Causton replied evenly. "Coming?" + +And they left the bay together. + +It was by this admirable piece of Rixon Tebb & Masters' work that I +learned what, it appeared, I had been watching too closely to see. + + +VI + +I had intended in any case to spend the remainder of that evening with +Archie Merridew. Mingled with my restlessness there had been a tremulous +sensitiveness that had culminated half-an-hour before in a fit of +satanic pride. Lately (I had decided) it had come to be taken rather too +much as a matter of course that our frequent adjournments after the +evening class should be always to his quarters and never, or hardly +ever, to mine. I had quite enough to bear without further gratuitous +rubs of that kind, and I had resolved that I would make myself his host +that evening though he had lived in a mansion and I in a sty. + +But after what I had so altogether discreditably overheard now I had +fifty other reasons for wishing him to come along with me. Almost every +sentence that had been spoken on the other side of that bay of books had +contained a reason. But I realised that before I could trust myself to +face him I must swallow the anger that crowded thickly into my throat. +There was nothing to gain and everything to lose by letting him see my +rage. So I walked back into the empty senior classroom, there to remain +until I should have got the worst of it over. + +By half-past nine I had got myself in hand. I gathered my work together. +Students were coming to the row of washbowls in the small compartment at +the end of the senior classroom to wash their hands, and Evie gave me +the smile that was to be my nourishment for three whole days as she +passed with her towel and the cake of soap in the new celluloid box. +Archie had been working all the evening in the typewriting-room; now was +my chance, before he could make (supposing him to want to make) any +appointment with her, to secure this myself, and I hurried for my hat +and coat and sought him. + +"Ready?" I said. + +"Right-oh; just a minute," he replied. "I told 'em to keep my fire +in--I'm going to swot like blazes to-night." + +"Oh no--you're coming along with me this time," I laughed. "I shall be +ashamed to show my face at your place much oftener ... unless," I added +lest he should shake me off, "you love me merely for what I have----" + +He laughed too. He was at the young and squab-like stage that takes a +pride in scorning appearances, and even finds the heart more rather than +less honest when the waistcoat over it is shabby. He accepted with quite +a good grace, got his hat and coat, and we went out together, I giving +Miss Windus an unimpeachable "Good-night" as I passed her, hardly a +yard from the spot where I had peeped on her less than an hour before. + +The electrograph opposite my abode was an advertisement of "_Sarcey's +Fluid_," some sort of a disinfectant; and as we approached it Archie +looked up. + +"Phew!... Needs it rather, to-night, doesn't it?" he laughed. + +It did not seem to me to "need it" quite so badly that evening as it had +on some other evenings--warm summer evenings, for example--I had known. +December had come in rawly, and the chestnut stoves and baked-potato +engine were out. The poorer streets have no pleasanter smell than that +of baked potatoes, broken up, sprinkled with salt from the big tin +caster, and closed together again like a South Sea face with a mealy +smiling mouth, and I had slipped a couple of these into my pocket for +our supper. I suppose Archie meant the fried fish papers in the gutters +and (as we entered by my side door) the acrid smell of the public-house; +but it was part of my fiendish pride to rub those things in a little +that evening, and I made light of them as we mounted the stairs. + +"Oh, you're pampered, Master Archie," said I. "I had thought of asking +you round to supper next Saturday evening--not to-morrow, a week +to-morrow--but I think I shall save my hospitality." + +You see what I was already angling for. Well, I caught my fish. Of +course he couldn't take Evie down to his folks at Guildford without my +knowing of it, but I wanted to see the fashion in which he would make +his avowal. We had left the carpeted corner of the stairs that the great +ornamental public-house lamp illuminated brightly and were standing on +the bare landing outside my room. He answered without an instant's +hesitation. + +"Afraid you'll have to, Jeff--twice over," he replied. "I've got to go +down home that week-end; beastly nuisance! I was going with some fellows +over to Richmond--stag-party; but the mater writes that she's asked Miss +Soames, so I suppose I shall have to be there to help out--confound it!" + +I opened my door and let him into the red and green. + +"Oh?" I remarked casually. "Nice change for you. You'll be all the +fitter for the exams. Don't tell _me_ about your stag-parties though. I +know 'em; you'd take jolly good care not to pick the place with the +plainest waitresses for tea, what? _I_ know you!... But if I were you +I'd go steady for a week or two, my boy, that Method paper'll be harder +than you think, I warn you!" + +"I'm watching it!" he replied cheerfully. "By Jove! Jeff, I'd forgotten +what a noisy pitch this of yours is! What on earth makes you stay +here?" + +"Oh, I don't know," I replied carelessly, applying a match to the wick +of my lamp and replacing the chimney. "As I say, you're pampered. The +place is all right. I don't do much except sleep here. It's a bit cold, +though. I'd keep my coat on if I were you----" + +"Wouldn't be much sleep for me here," he remarked, sitting on the edge +of my bed. "I should want a good stiff drink before I slept much in this +racket!" + +As I placed the lamp globe on its brass ring I glanced covertly at him. +It was a green interval, and his face looked as if he stood by a +chemist's window near the big pear-shaped green globe, while his +waistcoat was turned to a black purple, with one brass button gleaming +green as a cat's eye. Then the red came again, and the lamp flame crept +up. I went to the little cupboard where I kept my few cups and saucers +and plates. I filled my kettle at the tap on the landing, put it on the +half-crown oil-stove, and began to prepare our feast. + +In a quarter of an hour it was ready--tea, the baked potatoes, and a +wedge of butter apiece. We ate it, he sitting on my bed, I in my sagging +and string-mended old wicker chair. I saw quite plainly that already he +wanted to be off, and would stay no longer than the barest decency +demanded; but he had got to eat that pauper's meal before I let him go, +and there were my forty-nine other reasons for having got him up there. + +One of these other reasons had, during the last hour, taken complete +shape in my mind. Its consequences would have been impossible to +foresee, but as far as it yet went, I thought it crafty enough. I +filched another look at him; he was burning the roof of his mouth with +hot potato as he lolled against my bed foot; and I judged it time to put +my plan into execution. + +I pushed my own plate away and sank back into my lifeless old wicker +chair. He had turned his coat collar up by this time. My plan kept me +warm. + +"You're a lucky beggar, you know, Archie," I sighed heavily. + +He had moved, to set down his cup of untasted tea on the floor. He +looked up. + +"How?" he asked. + +I settled myself farther back. + +"How!" I repeated almost vindictively. "Don't you call it lucky having a +house and people and so on?" + +"Oh! Everybody has----" he began, but corrected himself. "I mean, I +thought you meant some special luck!" + +"Oh no--just that," I murmured. "Having a place to ask people down to +when you want--that's all." + +He seemed surprised. "Do you mean Miss Soames?" he said. + +"Miss----?" I shook my head absently. "Oh no, I wasn't thinking of Miss +Soames--I was thinking of something quite different." + +He meditated for a moment. + +"You _have_ seemed a bit different lately.... What's up?" he demanded, +looking squarely at me. + +My plan, to which his last words gave a new and unexpected fillip, was +briefly this: + +When, over the case of reference books, I had heard Miss Windus make the +very remark he also had just made--namely, that I had been +"different"--I had had a swift access of alarm. In what particular I had +betrayed myself I didn't know, but I realised very clearly, and doubly +clearly now that the same remark had dropped from Archie himself, that +love and a light cannot be hid, and that if my extreme former care had +not secured me from remark no care I was likely to be able to take for +the future would do so. I had laid myself open, and should do so again. +How was I to cover myself? + +I thought I saw my way. I invite you to consider that way. + +Were I to give it out to Archie--or rather, not so much to give it out +as allow a surmise to dawn on him--that my heart was already pre-engaged +in some carefully unspecified quarter or other, not only would this +"difference," both he and Miss Windus had remarked on, be admitted and +accounted for, but I should at one stroke set myself free from a hundred +other trammels of gossip, past, present and to come. After that avowal +nothing I did would be unaccountable. I should have a definite place in +the general sex-understanding. I should be classed, out of the running, +filed and docketed, totally uninteresting to either Miss Windus or Miss +Causton and rid of the attentions of Miss Levey. + +And I should also--my heart had thrilled suddenly and poignantly as I +thought of this--I should also be admitted at once to privileges. I +should have my share in such freedoms and exemptions as the married man +knows fully and the attached bachelor at least to a probationary extent. +This state of things does by tacit acknowledgment exist. The man who can +say all to one woman can say more than other men to all women. And the +shining immunity I now saw before me would even include what so far I +had had to deny myself--conversation, thus safeguarded, with Evie +herself. + +"By heaven!" my heart now cried within me, "I will do it!" + +And instantly a perfect seething of the cautions and reserves with which +I must do it sprang up in my brain. + +But here was Archie patiently waiting for me to speak. + +"What's up? What the dickens are you talking about?" he asked once more. + +I let my head drop, as a man might who discovers he has said too much. +"Oh, nothing," I replied. + +Archie was just as sharp as--neither more nor less than--I wished him to +be. + +"A lot of fuss about nothing--if it's really nothing," he said +suspiciously. + +The next moment he had looked hard into my face, taken a long breath, +and, suddenly bringing his hand down on his thigh, broken into loud +laughter. + +"By Jove! Jeff--I really believe--let's have a look at you--by Jove! I +really do--_I believe you're in love_! What a----How ripping, I mean! +Best congratulations, old chap--my turn this time--ha ha ha ha!" + +I drew myself heavily up. The kind of thing I was doing has to be done +rather carefully. "Look here, Archie--" I began, trembling between the +wrath I felt and the not-too-much wrath I must appear to display; but he +interrupted me: + +"Well, that's a knock-out! Who'd have dreamed----" + +"Why not?" I demanded sharply. + +"Oh, I didn't mean that!" he made such haste to say that it was plain as +a pikestaff that he had meant precisely "that." + +"I only meant, how surprising--how unexpected. I mean----" + +I frowned. "_Should_ you find it so--if it _were_ so?" + +"Should!" he said, puzzled. "... Isn't it so, Jeff?" + +"No," I replied; but a "No" that so exquisitely contradicted itself that +I gave myself nothing less than admiration for the performance. + +"No?" he echoed. "You're lying, Jeff--you _are_!" he broke out +triumphantly. "I can tell by the way you say it! So _that's_ it! Dashed +if I didn't think there was something!... Who is she, Jeff?" + +But that, as you may suppose, it was no part of my plan to tell. + +Neither was it part of that plan to enjoin either secrecy or the other +thing upon him. That, I thought grimly, might quite safely be left to +take care of itself. "Mandrill, my dear; you really must take a memory +powder!..." I seemed to hear Miss Windus' voice again over the +bookshelves. Oh yes, if he would give currency to that Zoo nonsense he +could be trusted not to keep the richer joke, of Jeffries in love, to +himself! + +For that he and not Evie had been responsible for this pleasantry at +the expense of my appearance I had concluded by a much sounder +process of observation and reasoning than that my love-lorn state +predisposed me entirely in her favour. My watching, a failure in +other respects, had at least succeeded in this respect. And that I +had found had not been without its barb for me. You may remember my +former pathetic gratitude that, while others singled me out for +marked treatment, she alone had not, in the trifling forms and +observances that are the gracious outside of intercourse as distinct +from its inner truth, differentiated me from the rest of the world. +Well, I had made a guess at the reason for that. It was, in a word, +her upbringing. The aunt with whom she lived in Woburn Place had +taught her to "behave nicely," and so on. I could see that education. +Such maxims as that one must not "judge by appearances," that +"handsome is that handsome does," and, generally speaking, the +unexceptional tradition that the "less fortunately circumstanced" +have special claims on superior gentleness and pity, form almost the +whole of it. I, it appeared, was one of these "less fortunately +circumstanced".... Of course nobody was to blame. By-and-by the +amiable aunt would probably go a little further, and teach her that +it is not enough that these unimpeachable precepts should be merely +observed, but that the thought behind them must be concealed as well. +When you treat a poor devil just as if he was anybody else you must +not let it be seen that you do so from perception that he is not.... +Anyway, there it was, and it rather took the shine out of that +"good-night, Mr Jeffries" that had sent me off happy to Archie's +rooms on the evening when I had been so startlingly shaken out of my +fool's paradise. + +Thus I was persuaded, and as it turned out quite rightly, that it had +been young Merridew, and not she, who had allowed his tongue this +licence both on Weston's physical characteristics and my own. + +His cup of tea was still on the floor, and by this time was cold. He +hadn't tasted it, and, his renewed congratulations on what he supposed +to be my blissful state of mind over, was once more fidgeting to be off. +But it was quite at my own pleasure whether I released him or not; I had +the hateful advantage of my baked potatoes and my poverty; and though he +was getting colder moment by moment, being less accustomed to the lack +of a fire than I, I did not spare him. + +"Yes," I remarked musingly by-and-by, as if I had been thinking over a +former remark, "I'd take that Method paper quite seriously if I were +you. Save up your little fling till that's over. Stag-parties and work +don't go together, my son." + +He had a little gleam of perspicacity. "What little fling?" he asked. +"Who said I was going to have one?" + +("Carefully, Jeffries," I cautioned myself.) Aloud I said cheerfully, +"My mistake, Archie--I'm out of the running in these things--I'm rather +a Puritan by necessity, you see. Perhaps I was taking it rather for +granted----" + +He chuckled. "A Puritan by necessity! A Puritan by Miss +Whatever-her-name-is, more like! Do at least tell us if it's anybody we +know, Jeff!" + +But I ignored the latter part of his remark. "Well done, Archie," I +applauded. "I'm glad you see that when a man's got one woman he's no +need for all the others. Stick to that and you're all right." + +And that clinched it. "Well, you've got the pull over me there," he +said. + +I made no reply. + +You need not conclude, unless you wish, that I wanted to start him +straight away to the devil. I couldn't have ensured his arrival at that +destination if I had. But I was prepared to go half way with him if by +so doing I could keep him from getting into paradise by the means I had +reserved for myself. I was doing him no conspicuous harm. He would have +to rub shoulders with the world before long--was already doing so; and I +said no more to him--nay, I said far less--than he would have picked up +for himself in almost any gathering of young men of his own age that he +was likely to find himself among.... So presently, when after (how +shall I put it?)--after having tapped it home that there _was_ the one +woman and also the others, I returned to the examination in Method +again, I was talking as easily as if, his betrayals to Miss Windus +notwithstanding, we had been the best friends in the world. + +"By the way, that's another thing you're lucky in, my boy," I said. "The +exam's in the daytime. I suppose that doesn't convey anything to you." + +"How do you mean?" + +"Well, it means something to me. I shall have to get a day off." + +"Well?" he inquired. + +"Well--it doesn't by any means follow that I shall get it." + +He stared. "You don't mean to say they'd be such skunks as not to let +you off for a day!" he exclaimed. + +I laughed. "Perhaps they won't be such skunks," I remarked. + +"Oh!" he cried, outraged. "They _couldn't_!" + +He was as ignorant about Rixon Tebb & Masters as he was about everything +else in life. + +Presently, with a "Brrr!" and a shiver, he got off my bed. + +"Well, I'm off," he said. "I didn't intend to come round, and I'm going +back to swot." + +I heaved myself up from my chair. "Must you? Well, wait a moment--I'll +come down with you----" + +Before I turned down my lamp, filling the room with the red and green +again, I noticed his untouched cup of tea on the floor. I made no remark +on it, but as I preceded him down the narrow stairs I found myself +suddenly filled with a curiosity as to whether I guessed rightly what +was passing in his mind. I had made my shot, and was as interested to +know whether it was a true one as if I had had a bet on it. + +Where the great public-house lamp shone brightly through the landing +window the stairs branched, one flight descending to the side door by +which we had entered and the other leading to the back bar of the +public-house. It was as we reached this bifurcation that I found I had +guessed rightly. + +"I say," he said, "I'm beastly cold! Come this way and have a drink!" + +I shook my head. + +"Not here," I said. "Not on my own premises, so to speak. If you don't +mind my having something thin I'll come over the way with you." + +"Anywhere," he said, with another shiver. + +There was another public-house just beyond the _Sarcey's Fluid_ +advertisement. We crossed and entered it. + +"Rum--hot!" he called familiarly, peering under the frame of pivoted +glass panes and flipping on the counter with a florin to attract the +barmaid's attention. "Come along, Flossie--hurry up!... What's your +poison, Jeff?" + +He had his rum hot; but I drank nothing stronger than peppermint. + + +VII + +His incredible gaucheries apart, I had no reason for hating him. One +does not hate a youngster seven years one's junior merely because he is +a mass of inexperience and self-sufficiency. Once again my hate was +really a hatred of the whole dreary circumstances of my life, and, when +I saw this concentrating stormily over young Merridew's head, I made +attempt after attempt to divert it. I swear to you I made these +attempts. I made them first of all to save him from a contest so unequal +as one with my wrath must be; and if I made them later so that I myself +should not be merely the slave of that wrath, I still made them. And all +the time, as I say, so long as he did not stand in my way, it was a +matter of indifference to me whether he took the upward path or that +which led downhill to perdition. + +Unfortunately I was in love, and no man in love can stand by the rules +that he knows ought to govern his conduct. Those jealousies I have +spoken of as torturing me at Rixon Tebb & Masters' shook me in spite of +myself. When I felt their approach I took care to give young Merridew a +wide berth; and I confess that in sometimes letting these fits have +their way with me I found an abominable ease. Away from him, my heart +was filled with rage and revilings; but these very outbreaks enabled me +at other times to meet him with a smile on my lips and a welcome in my +eyes. Once I had got rid of the over-plus of my rage I could almost have +persuaded myself of my affection for him. + +So I alternated, as the red and green of my apartment alternated; and +perhaps the red seemed redder and the green greener by the mere force of +the contrast. I continued to walk home frequently with him after the +class, to share his supper frequently, and to be obliged to him for my +necessary bath. + +I very soon learned that in the matter of my reputed being in love he +had done exactly what I had intended he should do--had whispered the +news about the college. It required no further eavesdropping to tell me +that; I felt it in the altered air. I saw the knowledge peering through +the little scalene triangles of Miss Windus' eyes, saw it in the looks +of sleepy and amused curiosity with which Miss Causton favoured me. The +latter lady, indeed, sometimes positively alarmed me, for the glances I +suffered when I chanced to enter a room in which she was at work held +incalculable things, and I no longer dared to look at her own amused and +supercilious eyes, her fascinating hands, or that foot beneath the hem +of her dress, fine and slender as a violin. And with the least +encouragement Miss Windus would, I knew, have sought my company, and, +lacking an admirer of her own, would have eased her breast to somebody +else's of all the things about love at large that she ached to say to +somebody. I wondered, seeing them both, whether there was no middle way +with women. The whole sex seemed to be divided into creatures (or rather +a creature, for I set Evie apart) to be enskied by men, and the other +kind, that a man might fly as he would fly a wild animal. And I am not +sure even now that when these two things are found in one and the same +woman they ever really shake down together. They seem to go on existing, +independently, unreconciled, side by side. + +But Miss Levey was far worse. She always seemed to me to crave +information, useful or useless, from a mere acquisitiveness; and I may +say now that it was she who, later, first roused in me the uneasy +suspicion that unless I was exceedingly careful I should find that I had +undertaken more than I could well manage. She began all at once to show +quite a liking for my company. She mislaid books in the room where I +sat, got into difficulties with copying presses when I was about, and +glanced up at open or closed windows too high for her reach, as if she +felt a draught or the lack of air, it didn't matter which, and must +suffer until somebody came to her help. All this had its rise in the +idlest curiosity, unless, as I sometimes suspected, she had made a bet +that she would get out of me who this imaginary _fiancee_ of mine was, +and was determined to win it. One day as I saw her struggling with the +blind cords in one of the window bays, and advanced to her assistance, +she relinquished the cords, and then, as if to apologise for the trouble +she was causing me, said, "Oh, thank you so much--you see I'm going to a +dance to-night, and have a slight cold already.... You don't go to +dances, do you, Mr Jeffries?" I answered that I did not, whereupon she +said gaily, "Oh, you must learn! I'm sure you could find _some_body who +would teach you! Then you and your partner could join our set--such +fun!" + +And another time she actually came to me with tickets for one of her +"hops," and pointed out to me that I should be saving a shilling by +taking both a pink ticket as well as a blue one. + +But while these were the results of my whispered false intelligence on +Miss Windus and Miss Causton and Miss Levey, the results on Evie Soames +were both foreseen and unforeseen. I had foreseen that it would give me +a new liberty with her; but I had not foreseen that she, and not I, +would be the first to take advantage of that liberty. It came to me +entirely as a surprise that she should see no reason why, if my heart +was engaged, she should not speak of it as a matter of course to +myself. + +This, to my great confusion, she did. + +It was in the small back room that we called the library, among the +book-shelves and glass-cases of mimeographs and gelatine copiers and +patent tills, that she did so. I had seen her talking to Weston in the +empty lecture-room as I had passed through to restore a book to its +place--a new translation of "Schmoller on the Mercantile System," I +remember it was--and she had turned as I had passed. I think she had +been a little nervous about the pretty little exhibition she intended. +It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that she had actually +practised the words she was going to use, and I am quite sure she meant +to go through it creditably. My lady was even then looking forward to +the time when, on a small scale or a large one, she would have to do +these things. So she followed me into the library, and, with one slender +hand on the iron ball-arm of the copying press under the gas said her +little piece. + +"Oh, Mr Jeffries!... I hear I have to congratulate you!" + +For a moment I did not take her meaning. Then it dawned on me, and I +felt a quick constriction of my heart that was both bliss and pain. + +"Oh?... On--on what?" I asked. I couldn't help stammering a little over +it. + +She wore a brown cloth tailor-made costume and a thick knitted cap of +white wool; and the shadow of this cap over her large eyes was not so +deep but that I saw the almost reproachful look in them. It was almost +as if she echoed: "'On what?' Can such a wonderful thing have happened +to you and you ask 'On what?'" + +"On this we hear of your engagement," she replied, looking down at her +toes. "It's--it's true, isn't it?" + +For the second time I felt my facile invention sitting somewhat less +easily on me. I stammered again, while she, I am quite sure, +misattributed my embarrassment. + +"Who told you that?" + +At that she was sweetly arch. + +"Oh, a little bird, Mr Jeffries! Don't tell me it isn't true--it would +be almost--almost like bad luck----" + +"Bad luck?" I repeated foolishly. + +"I mean, like wearing your wedding dress before the day, or something +like that--congratulating you too soon, I mean----" + +By this time I had collected my thoughts. "It isn't true," I said. + +Instantly her face fell adorably. In its expression I fancied I detected +both indignation against her misinformant and mortification that her +dear little attempt at social competence had failed. + +"Oh!... I'm _so_ sorry!" she murmured, all dejection and shame and rich +colour. "Please forgive me!" + +"It isn't true," I said, "that--that I am actually engaged to be +married." + +Like a flash she was all eagerness again. She had a book in her hand, +not a college text-book but a novelette; and probably the whole of the +novelette was in her glad change of tone. I was not exactly engaged to +be married, but I _was_ in love, and I daresay her brain was already a +jumble of surmises about obstinate parents, secret wills, _marriages de +convenance_, and true and severed young hearts. + +"Oh!" she said again. "I'm so--I mean I hope I shall soon be able to--I +mean I hope I'm not rude if I----" She floundered, already out of her +depth. + +"Not at all," I said gravely. "I only said I was not formally engaged. +There are--other reasons for congratulation after all----" + +"Oh, then I _do_!" she cried impulsively, with a grateful look that I +had helped her out. "I'm _so_ glad!" + +Then, her ordeal over, she glanced towards the door. + +But a daring impulse seized me. This was on a Friday night, and I knew +that on the morrow she was going to Guildford. + +"I see you're just leaving," I said. "Would it annoy you if I were to +walk a little way with you?" + +Again the code of her upbringing banished her momentary hesitation. + +"Unless," I said, "you have already----" + +"Oh no!" she said, with quick frankness. "I only meant that I nearly +always go alone, or else with Miss Windus." + +"I'm sure Miss Windus can spare you for once. One doesn't get +congratulated like this every day," I pressed. + +She laughed merrily. "Some of us don't get it at all," she said. "With +pleasure, Mr Jeffries." + +I slapped Schmoller back into his place on the shelf, and went off, +drunk with bliss, to get my hat and coat. + +That night I walked with Evie for the first time to Woburn Place. Never +had the Bloomsbury streets seemed so short, never the east side of the +British Museum so few paces in length. I remember very little of what we +talked about, I know she spoke of her visit to Guildford. The +invitation, she gave me to understand, was really to her aunt, and it +was to the subject of her aunt that she quickly returned when I +insinuated a mention of Archie's name. I insinuated it again a minute +later, but after that, noticing the way in which she came back to the +aunt again, I forbore. + +"But I'm afraid we can't ask the Merridews back, as we ought," she said, +once more socially prescient. "We only have rooms in Woburn Place, you +see, and you can't very well ask people all that way just to rooms, can +you?" + +"No," I replied briefly. I was thinking of my own late hospitality to +Archie. + +"We used to have a house, of course, before uncle died, and you know how +poky rooms seem after that." + +"Yes," I replied, compressing my lips. + +And so we chatted. I forget what our other subjects were. I left her, +with our first hand-shake, at her door. + +What that week-end was to me I will not attempt to tell you. I did not +belong to this earth at all. The fact that actually, in her person, she +was enjoying herself in Archie's company at Guildford was nothing to me; +the fact that every fibre of me was rapturously tremulous at the thought +of her was everything. I triumphed as if I already had her yielding in +my arms. Archie?... In my possession I laughed. I even felt kindly to +Archie--felt towards him that it would give me pleasure to have him, +by-and-by, a quite frequent visitor at my house--our house.... I spread +the mantle of my exaltation over the draymen and porters of the place +where I dined. Their heavens were not mine, but if a man is full he is +full, and I allowed them sanctities of their own. My heart was soft and +generous to them. For the first time in my life I knew what folk mean +when they say they love all the world. + +The sweet influence had not quite left me when on Monday night I went to +the college to see her again. + +She did not appear that night. Neither did he. + +It was Wednesday before I saw her again. + +I do not know what damnable difference in me that absence of the pair of +them for a single evening made. It came over me so suddenly that I was +in its clutches before I was aware. It was a significant transformation. +Let me relate it. + +I knocked at the brass knocker of Archie's ivy-green door an hour before +the class on the Tuesday night, and found that he intended to work at +home that evening. (I only learned this, however, some minutes later.) I +had had a double reason for calling on him at that hour, and the blood +comes hot again in my cheeks as I recall my second reason. I had +recently bought a new suit of clothes, not in Lamb's Conduit Street, but +made, though cheaply enough, to measure; and though it was only the +beginning of the week one of the payments for this suit had already +depleted my pocket almost to the last penny. Since breakfast that day I +had not eaten. But I knew the hour at which Archie dined. + +So nicely had I hit the moment for my self-invitation that I actually +followed his hot dinner half-way up the stairs. It was only on the first +landing that the servant stood aside with the tray to allow me to +precede her. I knocked at his door and entered, leaving the door open +for the dinner of which I intended to partake to follow. + +He had brought a fowl back with him from Guildford, with one or two +other motherly gifts, and I smelt the white sauce even before Jane put +the tray down on a side table. Archie was in his brown dressing-gown, +standing before his fire. He had taken the green shade from his lamp, +and his low-ceilinged roof-chamber looked exceedingly ruddy and +comfortable and home-like. + +"Hallo! Good man!" he cried. "You're just in time--I was just funking +carving--you'd better be getting your hand in for when you're a family +man!... Bring another plate, Jane.... Well, how's things?" + +It was then that the thing happened that still has power to bring the +blood to my cheeks. It was exquisitely cruel in the moment of its +coming. + +"Oh, so-so," I replied carelessly.... "But I've just this minute +swallowed my dinner, thanks. You go ahead. I'll watch you." + +"Oh, rubbish!" he replied, in a tone that hardened me. "I'll lay you +haven't had so much but you can pick a bit of Surrey fowl." + +I damned the thickness of his hide, but swallowed my choler. + +"Really, thanks," I said, turning away to look at a print on the wall +that I had seen a hundred times before. + +Jane hesitated. It was a long way up from the kitchen, and the old +bell-pull of red rope by his fireplace didn't always ring. "Shall I +bring the other plate, Mr Merridew?" she asked. + +"Yes--bring it--he'll change his mind!" + +But in my hellish pride I had now no intention whatever of changing my +mind. Twice again he pressed me, and twice I declined, the second time +curtly; and he fell to himself, while I sat in a chair and watched him. + +"Oh, by the way," he said suddenly, with his mouth full of food, "I'm +going to work here to-night.... Sure you won't have some pudding?" + +I rose. "Oh, well, if you're not coming I'll sheer off; why didn't you +say so? Enjoy your week-end?" + +"Oh, first rate. But, dash it all, don't be in such a hurry--you're far +too early yet." + +"Oh, I've just remembered something," I said, "See you again soon." + +And I waved my hand and left. + +I did not go to the class either that night. I was raging again, and +trying to protect that young fool from the injury of my savage thoughts. +I failed completely. Not even the thought that my passionate resentment +was a force to be confined as it were in a boiler, and only to be +allowed to escape by the way that would prove effective, restrained me +from clenching my fists and gritting my teeth as I recalled the image of +his pretty and ignorant and conceited face; and I am afraid I "let go" +utterly. I walked by way of Chancery Lane and Bouverie Street to the +Embankment; I crossed Blackfriars Bridge, and after that I don't quite +know where I went, trying to forget my hunger, and trying to shake off +my hideous grudge against the world that threatened to crash over the +head of the egotistical whipper-snapper I had left. + +I have related this at some length because it was the first time, but +not the last, that that devil of sensitiveness took me in quite that +way. + + +VIII + +I had not exaggerated when I told Archie Merridew that I might find some +difficulty in obtaining from Rixon Tebb & Masters' leave of absence for +the day of the Method examination. That examination was fixed for a +Friday, a fortnight and some days after my refusal to set fork into that +fragrantly steaming Surrey fowl of Archie Merridew's, and this falling +on a Friday added to my difficulties. + +Or rather I should say that it added to Polwhele's difficulties, for it +was to Polwhele I looked once more to find a way out for me. For Friday +was a wage-day, and since I must have my eighteen shillings in order to +live, a mere covering of my absence would not suffice. The cashier would +have to be taken into the arrangement. + +But Polwhele had by now to some extent got over his dread, if not over +his hatred, of me. When I put the matter to him he refused. This was in +the street, during the luncheon hour. The louse refused to help me, and +turned away. + +Exactly fifteen minutes later I had bearded the cashier himself, +catching him at the door as he was returning from his meal. + +At first he looked at me as much as to say, "Did _I_ speak to _you"_? +Then, finding it impossible to pretend he didn't know who I was, he +said, "What is it?" + +I told him what I wanted, concealing only my reason for wanting it; and, +after his first astonishment that I had taken the absolutely +unprecedented course of addressing a request otherwise than through the +usual channel, I found him not unmanageable. As a matter of fact, things +were slack, and there was only one kind of labour that Rixon Tebb & +Masters' would have preferred to that it had from the agency at eighteen +shillings a week--namely, a "floating margin" waiting on the pavement to +be taken on for an hour or two as it might be required. Gayns saw a +chance of saving a day. + +"You don't expect to be paid for that day, do you?" he said. + +"No," I replied. + +He thought for a moment. "All right," he said. "You can come for your +fifteen shillings on Thursday night." + +And Polwhele set another mark against me, that I had approached a +superior over his head. + +As I entered the Business College at half-past ten on the morning of the +examination it suddenly struck me that I had never been inside the +place in the daytime before. By gaslight it was, as I have said, dingy +enough, but by daylight it was shabby in the extreme. I walked round the +rooms, noticing for the first time that the shorthand and typewriting +rooms, which looked on the side street to the east of the block, were by +far the lightest rooms on our top floor, and that the library in which I +had received Evie's congratulations was little more than a thick +twilight, which the cleaning of the single grimy back window that looked +out over yards and chimney-pots would probably not greatly have +improved. The room adjoining that, the old ledger-room, was not, except +for the small high square of glass that gave on the head of the stairs, +lighted at all. + +They had made, too, quite extensive arrangements for the occasion +itself. We had been warned that we should not be allowed to leave the +premises until the examination was over, and as far as possible +separate spaces had been provided for each of the twenty-five +candidates--compartments of screens hired for the day from some +furnisher or shop-fitter, and open at the ends to the gaze of the +half-dozen perambulating guardians of the probity of examinations who +looked as if they too had been had in for the day on the same terms +as the screens. The contrast between the new fittings and the old +wallpapers and chandeliers struck me. And I remembered that even +now, when I had been debited my three shillings to be present, I did +not see the place in its normal daytime aspect at all. + +The papers were to be distributed at eleven, and at a few minutes before +that hour we were all assembled. A man called Mackie and myself were the +only two candidates for the Honours paper, and he and I were kept well +apart--I told off to a seat in the middle of the lecture-room, he +isolated in the typewriting-room. Evie, timorous about her Elementary, +was separated from Archie Merridew (who occupied the box between Miss +Windus and a pale student, Richardson) by the whole length of the +general room. We took our places; in all the rooms at once voices were +heard reading some cautionary form or other (my policeman gave me the +most mistrustful of glances as he pronounced the words "expelled from +the examination-room and your paper cancelled"); the papers were +distributed on the stroke of eleven, and the examination began. + +I need not trouble you with what it was all about. The importance of +that day to me was quite unconnected with the paper on Method. I ought, +however, to say that the paper was in reality two papers, the first in +Theory and the second in Practice, with the interval for lunch dividing +the two. I mention this only to explain how it was we came to be all +talking together when, a little after half-past one, our first papers +had been collected and we were free to unsnap our satchels or untie our +parcels of lunch. + +Despite my reduced income that week I had provided myself with a +sumptuous lunch--two kinds of sausage from a _delicatessen_ shop in +Shaftesbury Avenue, a paper of potato salad, a roll, butter, some sort +of chocolate _baba_ or _moka_, and a bottle of Schweppes' dry ginger +ale. That lunch had cost me nearly three shillings--but I intended to +eat only a third of it. The rest was to be my chief sustenance during +the two following days. I was not among my porters and drivers now--oh +no! I was cutting quite a dash. Archie, passing with Miss Windus as I +opened my black satchel, did not forbear to remark, "By Jove! doesn't +Jeffries do himself well, what?" and it had been in order that I might +be assumed to "do" myself equally well every day of my life that I had +made my little display. I ate my exact third in the same compartment I +had written my examination paper in, and then, closing my bag on the +precious remainder, put it under the seat and mingled with the others. + +By a sort of natural selection, I presently found myself in the middle +bow window, discussing the questions he had just answered with my only +fellow-candidate in Honours, Mackie. Mackie, both at the college and +elsewhere, was one of these blatantly popular chaps, and I myself +didn't like him. In some respects he was rather of Archie's kind, but he +was older, more knowing, and had gone further. He was a singer of comic +songs at "smokers," and a frequent looker-in at the shilling dances at +the Holburn Town Hall after class. He was jubilant over the ease of the +Theory paper, and was already so confident of his pass that he was +cracking jokes right and left, as if a weight had been taken off his +mind. + +"It's going to be like money from home if it's no harder than that!" he +exulted (almost prophetically, if what I said about the standard of +modern examinations is true). "Kitty Windus says she'll eat her +mackintosh, with the accent on the 'tosh,' if she isn't all right for +the Advanced, and the Elementaries are as safe as your hand in your +pocket! What ho! Come out on the stairs and have a Flor de Cabbagos." + +I didn't want the Flor de Cabbagos, but I went out on the top landing +with him. One or two others were smoking on the floor below, which was +as far as we were allowed to stray. A few steps down Miss Windus and +Miss Causton were sitting on the stairs, as if they were sitting out a +dance, and Miss Causton moved lower down still as the fragrance of +Mackie's "Flor" reached her, and then a little way back again as she +caught the whiff that came up the well. Mackie was talking of the paper +again. + +"All that mugging for a job you could do on your head!" he said, with +regret for the time he had lost. "I wouldn't have dropped out of the +billiard handicap if I'd known! Play billiards, Jeffries? I'm a regular +John Roberts--in my dreams. Give you fifty in a hundred at the Napier +when teacher says we can go." + +And he ran on, with dull facetiousness. + +But suddenly he stopped his rapid flow. He made a slight movement with +his finger, and stood listening. I heard nothing except the voices lower +down the stairs and the general hum in the room we had just left. But +Mackie did. + +"Hear that?" he said. + +"What?" I asked. + +"Sssh!..." + +I told you how the wooden partition at the head of the stairs, that with +the small window high up, separated the landing on which we stood from +the old ledger-room. The window was worked with cords on a horizontal +pivot, and was swung partly open. Whether Mackie heard whatever he did +hear through this window or through the boards themselves I do not know, +but a smile came over his face. + +"It's that young devil," he whispered. + +"Who?" + +"Why, young Merridew. He's in there with somebody...." + +I invite you to notice that I was improving. I was not eavesdropping +this time--I was merely letting Mackie do my eavesdropping for me. He +glanced round to see whether the women below were watching, and then set +his ear against the partition. + +"Yes, it's Merridew," he chuckled. "Nice father's hope and mother's joy +_that_ young man's getting! I don't suppose he's gone in there to talk +to the secretary bird!..." + +I found myself suddenly reminded of what I had noticed for the first +time only an hour or two before--that the room beyond the partition was +practically unlighted. + +Then Mackie dropped again into the "bright" style affected by the +singers of comic songs at smoking concerts. + +"Ahem--good-hevening, ladies and gen'lmen! How am I? Very well, thank +me! Ahem! I will now, with your kind permission, endeavour to entertain +you with a few of my well-known impersonations on a subject that will +appeal to all of you, no matter what your age, sex, condition, +vaccination marks or the number of your dog licence--_London's Lovers_." + +"Oh, Mr Mackie's going to recite for us!" I heard Miss Windus' cry of +juvenile delight from down the stairs. "Please be quick, Mr Mackie--we +shall have to go in in ten minutes!" + +And those below pressed up the stairs to hear Mackie. + +But I did not stay to hear the "impersonation." I walked back into the +general room, and, with a violently throbbing heart, sought the seat +where I had written my examination paper. + +Do you realise what I had just seen? Do you see what had set my heart so +thumping? If Mackie was right, and he had really got the cue for his +"impersonation" from something that was going on in the ledger-room, +young Merridew and Evie were alone in there together. + +All that I had hitherto known of apprehension and despair and jealousy +of Archie's luck and chances and juniority was eclipsed by the emotion +that now flowed over me like a wave. The revelation swept me entirely +off my balance. It seemed to me that once more I awoke as if out of a +dream. I seemed to be standing as it were a little way off from my own +baseless hopes and illusions of the past weeks and coldly contemplating +my own egregiousness. I actually gave out loud a low laugh that harrowed +myself. What! To suppose that all, all I could do, would prevent youth +from coming together at the last! + +So I made myself a spectacle of ridicule for myself. + +Then, as the minutes passed, that which at first had seemed a pure and +perfect whole of hopelessness changed subtly and began to separate into +parts. And that brought such a change in me that I trembled to recognise +it. The shock of those first moments had stunned me, but I was now +coming out of my stupor. My first swift conclusion had been wrong. These +were _not_ young lovers whom mountains could not sunder. She, my +sleeping beauty, who had but now opened her eyes, no doubt thought I was +that; her soul was over-brimming; and I remembered her look of wonder +and reproach when, after she had congratulated me on that love-rise that +is the most wondrous of earthly dawnings I had given a puzzled "on +what?" When hearts can no longer contain that with which they ache to +bursting, lucky is the one who stands nearest to hand. His it is to +have, for the lifting of his finger, what else would spill. He may not +be athirst for the draught; a muddier liquor might quench his fire as +well; but this dew and ichor is his, though another parch for it. + +For I needed no pointers from Mackie to know young Archie now. This was +his ignored and heaven-high luck, and he did not even want it. If their +being together in that unlighted room--their being together even as I +sat with my head between my hands staring blankly at the yellow deal +screen--if this meant anything at all it meant one thing and one thing +only, that she must give because it was her nature to give, and the cub +was philandering with her. + +At that thought my despair gave place to something else. It was eaten up +in the white flame of wrath that flashed like a brand in my brain. + +"Oh!" I thought. "So _that's_ it, my Archie?..." + +I need not tell you again how I always have made my angers serviceable +to me. Five minutes later--though my will was well-nigh deracinated in +the process--I was its master again. It still struggled like a beast in +my hold, nor did I know whence the help could come without which it +would presently have me in its power again, but I still retained my +throttling hold on it. One last wild struggle the beast made; this was +when beyond the end of my screen-enclosed compartment, I saw them issue, +with an interval of half-a-minute between their coming out of the +library doorway. He was pink and triumphant; at her I forbore to look. A +minute later Mackie passed and gave an infinitesimally small jerk of his +head and a wink; but by that time I was holding my savage beast down +again. + +Then a bell rang; there was a buzz and movement the candidates were +making ready again. Once more attendants read the caution, and then the +second paper was distributed. Mechanically I turned over the +gelatine-copied leaves that had been handed to me. + +But I pushed them away again. A man who is engaged as I still was--a +luckless hunter who has missed his shot and is struggling desperately +body to body with his intended prey--has little time for anything but +the business in hand. True, I did draw the paper to me again and tick +off the questions that would be productive of the highest marks, but it +was long before I got any further. There would come between me and my +page Archie Merridew's pink and boastful face as I had seen him issue +from the library door. + +I do not know how long I sat thus. + +Draggingly at last I settled to work. But it was well-nigh hopeless. I +came to myself after a long interval to find that I was staring blankly +before me and muttering softly to myself. I had not written more than +half-a-page. Wearily I tried again. + +The next external thing that I was fully awake to was that from the +typewriting-room there came the single "Ting" of the small clock on the +mantelpiece. I started. That single "Ting" always meant one of two +things--one o'clock or a half-hour. I had no watch. + +I tried for a moment to persuade myself that the clock had just struck +half-past two. + +Then I heard the attendant's voice: "You have one hour left." + +"Good heavens!" I groaned. + +I drew my paper to me again. + +For a time I was not conscious of anything but the questions that must +be answered by half-past four. Indeed, so feverishly did I work that I +did not hear the attendants announce that we had only half-an-hour +longer. The next announcement I heard was that fifteen minutes only +remained. + +Swiftly and flurriedly I turned over what I had written. I was just +half-way through the paper. + +Wildly alarmed, I broke into rapid shorthand--the shorthand in which I +am writing this now. I did not know whether the shorthand would be +accepted; I only knew that in its larger aspect the object of the +examination was to determine whether I was master of my subject. I was +master of my subject. Those already diluted tests of capacity, the +questions, dictated their own replies: I put on top speed. + +"You have five minutes more," sounded the relentless voice. + +But I could have sworn that not one minute elapsed before, much louder +and more peremptory, came the final call: + +"You must now cease writing!" + +As I mingled with my fellow-candidates again I heard Mackie crying +joyously, "Oh, we got medals for this in Paris!" But I passed him by +without a glance. Nor had I any desire to linger about those premises my +first sight of which in the daytime had cost me three shillings in cash, +and a murderous rage that might indeed have closed the gates of heaven +in my face. I went quickly for my hat and coat, almost colliding with +Miss Causton as I turned a corner and muttering I know not what as she +shrank back and gave me a look that I could hardly reconcile with her +usually ironical and ruminating eyes. I merely wanted to get out of the +place.... + +But I did not escape so quickly but that I saw Archie and Evie following +me down the stairs. No doubt they were going together to her aunt's to +tea. + +A week later I learned that I had passed with distinction in the Theory +part of the paper, but had failed in the Practice portion. The examiners +made a joke about "Paper Number Two," saying they had decided to hold it +over for next year's shorthand examination. Everybody knew whose paper +Number Two was.... + +Mackie had passed in both portions. + + + + +PART II + +WOBURN PLACE + + + + +I + +Some time or other during the period of my engagement to Miss Windus (an +episode of my history I am now approaching), I happened to remark on the +pleasant arrangement that had removed many of the temptations of London +from Archie Merridew's path by giving him a "home from home"--the +wholesome influence of the Soames' house in Woburn Place. My charmer +agreed with me that no arrangement could have been happier. It is of +that arrangement that I must now speak. But first I must tell you as +much as I can recollect of the party with which the Christmas term +closed. + +Little as things of that kind appeal to me, I had been to that +breaking-up party. Why I had deliberately sought this misery I find it +difficult to say. It had been Miss Levey who, the very evening before +the result of the Method examination had been announced, had broached +the matter to me, and that of itself would doubtless have decided me had +it not been for Miss Causton, who had come up just as I was refusing. + +"Mr Jeffries says he won't come!" Miss Levey had said, turning to Miss +Causton, "but we want a few of the seniors as guests--you and Mr Mackie +and Mr Weston--you're the lights of the college, you know." + +I had been quite unaware that my mental comment on her "we" had shown in +my face (she was quite twenty-five), but apparently it had, for she had +added, with a laugh that had struck me as contemptuous even of herself, +"Oh, I call myself a junior too!" and had turned away. + +Of course I ought not to have gone, and, after I had learned of my +failure in Method, I had been on the point of renewing my refusal. But +then there had seized me an almost mad desire to see how much I really +could endure with a smile (Evie and Archie, of course, had been among +the first to accept). So the very thing that ought to have kept me away +had driven me there. Of this extreme of perversity I am afraid I must +ask you to find what explanation you can. I am merely setting down the +thing as it occurred. + +So I had gone, though, to Miss Levey's disappointment, _sans_ "lady," +and had had, moreover, the pleasure, such as it was, of also +disappointing those who had expected that my failure in Method would +plunge me into gloom. I was far beyond gloom. Mere gloom would not have +expressed my feelings; it would have lacked the ecstasy of my misery. +So I daresay I had appeared, not less, but more cheerful than my +ordinary, and perhaps that was even set down as courage that was merely +the numbing of sensibility. + +A most extraordinary experience to me that party had been. On the +occasion of the Method examination screens and tables had had to be +imported, but this time the opposite had been done, and all day +half-a-dozen of the students had been busy, stacking desks and tables +away in the old ledger-room and clearing the lecture-room for dancing. +The senior classroom had been turned into a refreshment-room, and an +upright piano had been got in and lifted upon Weston's lecturing dais. +Blackboards indicated the way to the ladies' cloak-room (the library) +and that of the men (the room with the washbowls), and by the time I had +arrived, at half-past eight, everybody had assembled. Nine had been +fixed as the hour when dancing was to begin. + +Sisters and friends had brought up the number of women to perhaps a +dozen, and Miss Levey had not failed to remark on my coming alone. Her +short legs had started to bring her to me almost before I had looked +about me. + +"Oh, Mr Jeffries--then you _haven't_ brought a lady friend!" she had +reproached me. "I hope you understood that the invite was for two!" At +this, setting my face into a rocky smile that had remained on it thence +forward, I had looked at her over her fan. + +"Oh?" I had said. "Then it was my 'lady friend,' not me, you wanted to +see?" + +But she had been equal to me. "Oh no--but there are three times as many +gentlemen as ladies, you know. Come and let me introduce you----" + +But I had evaded this, preferring, in the words of Mackie, who had +passed just then, to "paper the wall." + +From my station by the thrown-back folding-doors of the lecture-room, +with that carved smile on my face for all the world as if my heart had +been temporarily atrophied, I had been able to look even on Evie almost +unmoved. The whole scene had been a haggard but quite painless nightmare +to me. When, at nine o'clock, the piano had begun to play, I had watched +the men in their black sparrow-tails and white gloves, stooping, +posturing, offering arms, revolving, as if the picture had been a flat +representation, lacking a dimension, the blackboard behind the pianist +and the old bells like interrogation-marks above his head quite as +important as the moving figures. And I had smiled and smiled. After all, +one might as well smile as not. Once you had got the smile into its +place it was just as easy. Really it would have been the taking of it +off again that would have required the mental effort. + +It was as I had stood there that Miss Causton had come up to me and +asked me if I did not dance. Her voice, as she had done so, had hardly +detached itself in my mind from the noise about us, and even her figure, +lending as it were its own life to her dress of oyster-grey, had seemed +no less flat and diagrammatic than the rest of the scene. "No," I had +said, and "No," she had repeated, with a nod, "getting the piano up and +down would be more your style, for it nearly killed those boys this +afternoon.... But won't you let me teach you?" + +"I've no gloves." + +"Gloves!" she had said softly. + +And so, since besides smiling one may as well dance as not, I had taken +a dancing lesson from Miss Causton. But we had only gone twice round the +room--for which, considering my weight, I could hardly have blamed her, +and then, panting a little, she had proposed a rest. And in the very bay +from which I had once overheard her conversation with Miss Windus I had +talked civilities to her, still smiling. I had asked whether she was +coming back after Christmas and had been told "Yes," and when, +by-and-by, as being less trouble than thinking of a new one, I had put +the same question to Miss Levey, I had got a "Yes" from her also. After +that I had worked that question really hard, putting it at least once +more to Miss Levey, and once to somebody who was not at the college at +all, after which I had found a new one, I forget what, making two quite +useful social accomplishments. Once again Miss Causton had come up to +me. "----since you don't come to me," I remember her saying; "I should +like some coffee." But she had barely tasted the coffee I fetched her--I +remember wondering whether I ought to take her to the coffee or fetch +the coffee to her--and then, just in the middle of my third brilliant +conversational find, she had suddenly got up and left me. + +And so on. The last had been similarly phantasmagoric. I had smiled when +Evie had come up and said reproachfully: "You can dance with Louie!" and +again when she had said: "I should like something to drink--no, you +mustn't fetch it--when you're asked for those things in the middle of a +dance it means that somebody wants to sit out with you--but, oh dear! I +forgotten that this was Archie's, and here he is!..." It hadn't hurt +much but I had had enough. The last person I distinctly remember +speaking to was Miss Levey, who had said that I really must bring +"somebody" to the next social. They had still been dancing when I left. + +Now that the disaster of my failure had befallen me, a year must elapse +before I could make a second attempt; and so it became quite unnecessary +that I should return to the college after the Christmas vacation of a +month. The faraway autumn would be early enough for that. The fees, +small as they were, came fearfully heavy on me, and I could study in the +Patent Office Library for nothing. + +But I wished to return in January. My many reasons for this are clear to +you. To the more obvious of them I will only add, that I seemed now to +be doomed to remain at Rixon Tebb & Masters' for another year, and, now +that that strange and rather frightening calm of that night of the +breaking-up party had passed, I simply could not face the time ahead +without the alleviation, or at least the change of pain, that the +prospect of seeing Evie afforded. + +So I decided to continue my course. + +The days until the college should reopen on the 21st of February were--I +almost said purgatory to me, but in truth they purged me little. It was +the rainiest and muddiest of Christmas weeks; nobody was out of doors +who had a fire to sit by and leisure to sit by it, and the streets were +a bobbing of umbrellas and a squirting of mud about the turned-up +trousers of men and the skirts of women lifted to their wearers cared +not where. I tried to make the use of dubbin take the place of the +resoling of my boots, and in my chamber, which was warmed only by my +oil-stove, my garments never dried. It was a short week at Rixon Tebb & +Masters', we were paid short too, and I shall never forget my Christmas +dinner of that year. For a fit of desperation and impotent rebellion +took me. I went for a change to another "pull-up" than my usual one, and +there paid tenpence for a wholly insufficient dinner. I rebelled, I say. +I brought my fist down on the table, and out of sheer recklessness +ordered the whole lot over again. This proved too much for me. I +couldn't eat half of it, but I didn't care. How I was going to recoup +myself for the double cost afterwards I didn't know. If I had to have +more money, I knew I should have to get it somehow, that was all. + +That was a villainous Christmas for me! + +And I was alone--Archie at Guildford, Evie and her aunt I didn't know +where, perhaps at Guildford too, everybody with homes to go to and faces +to talk to over a fire. Archie's absence, too, cost me several +sixpences--the price of the hot baths I could not very well ask for at +his quarters while he was away. I spent my evenings in the Patent Office +Library, where it was warm. + +I was glad when Christmas was over. I felt somehow that I was not +missing quite so much. + +Then those who had been away for a holiday came back; the second and +third weeks of January passed; and on the twenty-first, a Monday, I went +to the college again, as piteously joyful as if I had been an outcast +returning to open and welcoming arms again. + +There were changes at the college. New students had come, several of the +old ones had left, among them Mackie, whose course was finished, and we +had a new "professor," who, it was said, was to start an +advertisement-writing class. But the biggest gap seemed to be left by +Miss Levey and Miss Causton, neither of whom, in spite of their answers +to my question at the breaking-up party, had returned. Miss Levey, +indeed was not returning; she had got a job; and I do not conceal that +this was a small relief to me. It put an end to the hints and guessings +and pertinacities that might still further have embarrassed my not very +clearly explained situation. But Miss Causton, I gathered, had merely +not come back yet. As it turned out later, she did not come back. But +nobody knew yet. So, until she should do so, Evie and Miss Windus +remained our only two woman students. + +It is plain that I had had to think out a plausible reason for my own +return. I neither wished, nor would it have been credible of me, to be +regarded as one of those high-and-dry relics (every college and school +has them) who wear on to middle age seeing whole generations of juniors +out, and become pathetic "institutions" merely because they had not +initiative to stop doing what they have once begun. So I had hit on an +explanation of my reappearance that, as it subsequently turned out, cut +two ways. In one of these ways it proved magnificently sufficient for +me; in the other it proved inadequate with an inadequacy that I only +partly rectified when I became engaged to Miss Windus. In a word, I had +had an idea. + +My idea was this: + +Starting from the old "Method" course (which, despite my failure, I knew +back and forth and inside out), I had begun to evolve for myself a whole +new course of private study. Much of this, I anticipated, I should be +able to pursue at the college; for the rest the British Museum and the +Patent Office Library would serve. The germ of my notion lay (or at +least began) in certain questions that bore on the consolidation of +Commercial Distribution; and I fancied, rightly as it turned out, that +my idea was in harmony with the broader developments of the day. More +than that I need not say. All that concerns this story is that my new +inspiration landed me straightway in a dilemma. On the one hand, the +newness of the idea proved to be the foundation of my fortune, on the +other, because of its very newness, and because it surpassed the terms +of the then known, it appeared to those who wanted to know "what +Jeffries was about," a subterfuge and a blind for something else. In a +small sense, as you are aware, it was that; in a larger one it +emphatically was not. + +It is odd what difference a New Year makes in such colleges as ours. The +influx of new students always drives the older ones more closely +together, so that a person with whom the previous term you had little +more than a nodding acquaintance becomes, when you meet again, almost an +old friend. You have memories and associations in common that the +new-comers know nothing about, and quasi-amicable rearrangements are +made. I may say at once that it was not this that finally drove me into +Miss Windus's arms, but it helped in the early stages by breaking down +other resistances, and so made our extraordinary subsequent relation +possible. + +Evie had told me, on the night when I had first walked home with her to +Woburn Place, that she usually went home either alone or else with Miss +Windus, who lived in Percy Street, Tottenham Court Road; and while I, of +course, had gone no farther than the gate, Miss Windus, I knew, had on +more than one occasion gone in to supper. In the new order of things +(which included Archie's "home from home") the three of them not +infrequently went to Woburn Place together, and I began to see his light +near the Foundling Hospital more and more rarely as I passed. Of course +it didn't at all follow that because he was not in his own quarters he +was at Woburn Place; I knew for a fact that very often he was not; and I +learned from Mackie, whom I ran into one evening as I was returning from +Rixon Tebb & Masters', and to whom I forced myself to talk, that on at +least one recent occasion Master Archie had been seen flying a +none-too-steadily-balanced kite in the neighbourhood of Leicester +Square. The "home from home" was a capital one from the point of view of +Mrs. Merridew, no doubt; but from that of Miss Soames the aunt, into +whose house, whether she knew it or not, some whiff at least of another +atmosphere was being brought, the thing seemed very open indeed to +question. + +Evie, I could see now, was lost in love of him; and I sometimes wondered +whether I was not becoming hopelessly one-idea-ridden to suppose that it +could all possibly end in any but the plain and obvious way--by her +marriage to him. Changes that I shall speak of presently were taking +place quickly in myself, and perhaps it was the first sign of them that +sometimes, when I found myself utterly spent and broken, melodramatic +magnanimities rose in my brain. In these moments I was tempted to throw +up the struggle, to take myself off somewhere, and to leave them to +arrange matters as they would. I wonder--I wonder!--whether I should +have had the strength to do it! + +And I wonder too whether, had I done it, it would have been "strength" +at all! I hardly think it would. I will not generalise about slack young +men and blind and innocent girls; I am not concerned with collective +morals; but I was concerned with the given case, and already saw how +things would almost inevitably turn out. Archie, after the manner of his +kind, would sandwich in his visits to Woburn Place with more suspect +pleasures; presently there would come some accident of detection, or +there would not; if there did he would make a more or less (probably +less) clean breast of it, and if there did not it would become a +question of how far he would go with Evie. At that also I could make a +guess. A "home from home," is not quite what it seems when the home +contains a young creature who follows the befriended young man about +with soft and adoring eyes; parents and aunts notice these things; one +day something would happen; and Archie, who never took any other line, +would take the line of least resistance and, seeing that it was expected +of him, become formally engaged to her. + +And then what? Ah, I foresaw that too! + +She would be, as the expression goes, "no worse" for him. For that also +he lacked the courage. He would sloven himself and her into a love that +would soon prove irksome to him, a bitterness to her, and pure only on a +technicality. I knew his breed; To the best of them Woburn Place is +Woburn Place, and Leicester Square Leicester Square; and to the worst of +them these two things quickly interpenetrate and weld. And what would +that mean for her? I looked at my love; I looked about me at other sad +and disillusioned women who have survived their fair dreams as examples +of the way in which this love-slovening actually works out; and I +shuddered. + +No, a magnanimous removal of myself would not have been "strength" at +all. + +Yet if you think I became engaged to Miss Windus merely that I might +have a pair of eyes frequently in Woburn Place, there you are wrong +again. I became engaged to her because I had no choice. The contributory +causes were several. Among the earlier of them had been a conversation I +had had with Archie Merridew a week before the examination in Method. + +After I had been at pains to give out the information that I was engaged +as it were at large and without further particularity, I had begun, as +you have already guessed, to be the victim of my own ingenuity. Our +committances have this way of taking matters into their own hands. I had +quickly found it impossible to be thus unspecifically betrothed. Too +many questions had instantly sprung up, and Archie, if not Miss Levey, +had known too much about the circumstances of my life. + +At first I had tried to fob him off by speaking of "some girl in the +City," but that had been useless. If that was so, he had wanted to know +(probably having gossipped it all over with Miss Levey), why did I never +see her in the evenings, and why was I so often at liberty on Saturday +afternoons and Sundays? I had protested, I had made jokes. How, I had +demanded, did _he_ know where I passed my spare time?... Well, he knew +(he had retorted) where I spent five evenings out of the seven! + +Miss Levey, you see, had started him, and it amused him to go on. + +And so his intrusiveness had begun to narrow me down to the college +itself. + +This had given me the choice of just two _inamorata_--Miss Causton and +Miss Windus (for I still supposed that Miss Causton might walk into the +college as usual any evening). To the latter lady I was at that time +exceedingly averse; and on the night of this conversation of which I +speak, after Archie had been almost beyond endurance jestingly +importunate, I had all but declared myself point blank for the absent +Miss Causton. (The conversation had taken place in his rooms.) + +"The question is, Archie," I said gravely, looking at him with sharp +doubt in my eyes, "can I trust you? I suspect you've already set +something going, you know." + +He had coloured a little. A mere honourable understanding was never in +the least binding on him, and I was never quite sure to what extent the +exaction of a definite promise would be so. + +"Oh, dash it all, Jeff!" he had scoffed rather awkwardly, "anybody'd +think you were ashamed of it! All I said was quite harmless--really----" + +"I know," I had commented, "_meaning_ no harm. Nine-tenths of the harm +in the world's done that way. I don't know that I don't prefer the man +who means harm; at least he knows what he's doing.... But why are you so +curious about it all?" + +His curiosity, I knew, was nothing more or less than a slack indulgence +of his desire to hear a secret. He had too Miss Levey's racial gift of +turning these things to account. But he had put it rather differently. + +"Oh, just friendly interest," he had replied, slapping his jacket +pocket. "Where did I put my cigarette case?... We _are_ friends, aren't +we?" + +"Rather less so when you go chattering about me." + +"Sorry, old man," he had replied contritely, though his contrition had +been less for his blabbing than that I apparently had taken it amiss. "I +didn't think--you didn't tell me not--it slipped out----" + +"Well, well--no great harm's done. But if I were you--" if I had +hesitated it was merely for a private and subtle relish "--I'd take a +memory powder, to use an expression of Miss Windus's." + +(You will remember how I had come to overhear that expression, and you +may see, by turning back, the precise context of the allusion.) + +Archie had been sitting in his favourite attitude, with his stockinged +feet against the pilaster of the fireplace. He had twinkled again. + +"I don't think it _can_ be Miss Windus," he had chuckled again. "Anybody +can see you can't stand her." + +"Oh? Sorry I've allowed that to appear." + +"And the college isn't exactly swarming with girls," he had continued. + +I had told him that he was dragging the college in entirely on his own +responsibility. + +"Oh no!" he had said promptly, with a far too cunning glance at me. "You +don't put me off like that, old boy! I've got you down to that, and I'm +going to hold you to it! Serve you right for your dashed secretiveness! +So if it isn't Miss Windus, and it isn't Miss Soames----" + +At that I had been able quite calmly to jest. I had fetched up a laugh. + +"Steady a minute," I had said. "If you're really bent on going into the +Sherlock Holmes business you'll have to do it properly, you know--give +reasons for your eliminations. Accuracy's everything. Let's have your +reason for ruling Miss Soames out." + +"Good old Jeff," he had remarked, laughing; "accurate even in his jokes! +Well, say Evie's a young twenty, and you're a damned experienced old +thirty--how will _that_ do?" + +I believe, taken with all the rest, that it had seemed to him perfectly +conclusive. + +"That's better," I had approved. "I only meant that if you're going to +be methodical you must _be_ methodical, that's all. Good mental training +for you, my boy." + +"So it is," he had agreed, with the forthcoming examination in his mind. +"I say--we'll have a shorthand speed-test presently--but first I'm going +to drag this out of you...." + +And by-and-by I had all but made the confession that it was Miss Causton +whom I adored from a distance and hesitated to approach. + +Another contributory source to this oddest freak of my life was the +terms on which I had returned to the college. That wide and unexpected +development of my new studies was no explanation to anybody but myself; +I had confessed myself, through Archie, to be in love; and the more +closely I applied myself to my mysterious work the less mysterious did +my whole conduct appear. Yet on the whole, even if Miss Causton had +returned at once, I might at the last have feared the hazard with one at +once so suspiciously open and problematically deep as she; and there was +no allowing matters to remain as they were. There was only Miss Windus +for it. + +You see the mess I had landed myself in. + +Yet my unhappiness in all this was only a part of a general change that +was quickly leavening me throughout. It was a change altogether for the +better. I was sick, sick of shifts and tricks and meannesses. I was no +less sick of them in myself than I was when I encountered them in the +Sutts and Polwheles among whom my life was passed. I panted for a +clearer air and a more spacious prospect; I panted for these things +because Evie had loosened the band that had confined the wings of my own +spirit. And with my own spirit thus freed, I would find a way to escape +from the cage of my circumstances. Once I had done with that old life I +would have done with it for ever. And, strange as it may seem, it was +because hope was at last greyly and tardily dawning for me that I +entered into my last despicable tortuousness with Kitty Windus. + + +II + +For as I got deeper into my studies I began to see in it nothing less +than the finger of Providence that I had failed in the second part of +the examination in Method. That frustration altered the whole course of +my life. I am, of course, speaking in the light of subsequent events, +but I see now what a mere pass would have meant--a sort of success no +doubt--but a success in a narrow and short-reaching attempt. + +Up to that time my plan had been to qualify myself by means of +certificates, to find a billet elsewhere, and then, with Rixon Tebb & +Masters' recommendation of steadiness and sobriety, really to begin in +some firm where promotion was possible otherwise than by our bottle-neck +of a junior clerkship. I had actually had the choice of no less than +two such firms, and had been already wondering what I should do with my +extra twelve shillings a week--for I should have begun at thirty +shillings. + +And then I had failed. + +Well, heaven be thanked for it. In that failure I sounded, for the last +time--but no; for the last time but one--the bass-string of my poverty. + +For now, as I saw my new work gradually unfolding, it sometimes so +excited me that I could hear my own heart thumping in my breast. Do you +know that feeling--that in your brain there is already born, and growing +apace, an idea that you do not believe to be guessed at by any creature +in the world except yourself? As a matter of fact I now know that my +idea was being simultaneously worked upon elsewhere. Sir Julius (then +"Judy") Pepper was pegging away at it in his back room in Endsleigh +Gardens, hardly a mile from where I brooded over it myself; and if you +have never heard of the association of Jeffries and Pepper you know very +little about these things. Still, all was in darkness then save for that +single ray far ahead that seemed to indicate a way out; and even now I +have only just begun my life's work--the keying up to concert pitch of +certain branches of commercial distribution that, by the time I and my +successors have finished, will make men wonder how such a phenomenon as, +say, the railway strike of last year could ever have been possible. + +Nor was this deepest peace that the man of action knows--his certainty +about what his task in the world must be--the whole of my spirit's +unexpected re-birth. This held out the promise of material--and shall I +say "ethical?"--well-being; and my eyes were now opened to more than +that. I hesitate to call this new thing "religion." I would rather +define it as the clear and immutable knowledge that all things _do_ work +together to an end, good, bad or morally unconnoted. It was a perception +of powers and forces, not at variance, but working in harmony towards +some cosmic consummation. I don't think that is religion. I don't think +it would save a soul. But it not only saved, but made altogether its +own, my reason. I believed in the power and divinity of a thing, if not +in those of a Being. And I believe that I should have got further even +than that. + +And if it be true that we treat the world as we are treated by it, this +changed my attitude to all with whom I came into contact. I am not +thinking now of Kitty Windus, for she, poor soul, was but an episode, +though one I have found is hard enough to make away with. I am thinking +of Sutt, of Polwhele, of the proprietor of my public-house, of the +drivers and porters of my restaurant, of the men and women, seen and to +be seen no more, who passed me in the streets. And I am thinking of Evie +Soames. + +For it was side by side with her sweetness that I conceived all this +authority and strength and vision to exist. It was all, I knew not how, +hers--hers and mine. I could not successfully resolve a problem nor work +out an equation but something within me cried, "That is ours, my +love!--something seized from the limbo of things-not-known-yet, for +you, dear, and for me!" I could now even bear to work away from her, in +another room of the college, among the files of the Patent Office, at my +own place. When her face rose, as it ever did, between me and my paper +or page, I knew peace now, not jealousy. Had I put into words the +thoughts that then filled me those words would have been, "Yes, my +own--you see what I'm doing--it is for us, and it won't be long--go +away, sweetheart, but not very far." And so I dreamed harder and worked +harder than I have ever done in my life, and both came easily to me, +because I had at last clearly seen my goal. + +Yet you are not to suppose that I was not unwinkingly wakeful too. This +was my inner life, and it informed, but did not abate, the vigilance of +my outer one. I think that three times out of four I knew (at first at +any rate) when Archie had been to Woburn Place, and perhaps twice out of +four when he had sought a lower pleasure elsewhere. It would take too +long to tell you how I ascertained all this. I did so under a mask of +casualness that practice and my new-born hope had now made quite easy. + +And so I come to my acceptance by Kitty Windus. + +Espionage upon Woburn Place was only a part, and by far the lesser part, +of it. I had my impossible position to explain. And not only had I to +explain it, but my original lie had left me only one other way of +explaining it--the giving up of Evie once for all. That I could have +more easily done months back than I could now that hope had brought her +so (I speak comparatively) tantalisingly near. I admit that the chance +that I might be introduced at Woburn Place as Miss Windus's _fiancee_ +did weigh, and horribly. I no longer hated her. I pitied her. I do not +mean that this pity was in the least degree akin to love in that word's +sense as between man and woman; but by salving a little my self-content +it did, practically, help me to carry the thing out. But I swear, +however much I may appear to put myself upon the defensive in doing so, +that of itself the prospect of Woburn Place would not have swayed me. + +I have not the heart to remember the earlier stages of my duplicity. Too +many crawling things lie beneath that stone of my life for me to wish to +turn it over. Let me summarise by saying that, by a slow and nicely +calculated relaxing of my stiffness, and a gradual and lingering and +gratuitous prolongation ever and again of certain opportunities of +intercourse, I had, by the beginning of March, so counterbalanced my +former aversion that, in a word, anything might happen, and at any +moment. + +Poor, lonely, starved spinster heart! I have far more ruth for what I +did to you than for what I did to another! + +But let me, before I go on, see whether there was anything during the +months of January and February that I may not omit.... No, I think there +is little. Miss Causton still remained away; I pursued my new +investigations; that segregation of newness of the first-year students +relaxed a little, but without affecting that slight unconscious coming +together of the older ones that it had brought about; and I think Archie +Merridew divided his time between Woburn Place and Leicester Square +pretty equally. I think that is all. I pass on. + +It was in Lincoln's Inn Fields that I entered into a pledge with Kitty +Windus that I had no intention of ever redeeming. I had not thought when +I had left the college that night that it would come so quickly. I had +planned a long walk, and, passing through Great Turnstile, had come upon +Miss Windus looking into the window of an antique shop. I had stopped +and gazed with her, and then, presently moving away, we had passed +together into the square. + +She told me afterwards that she had been merely aimlessly wandering, +having been to Woburn Place the evening before and fearing to weary her +welcome there by going again the next night; but I did not know this +then. Therefore, when presently she stopped at the corner where the +street leading to Kingsway now is and said, "Well, I think I'll go +back," I was a little surprised. Then I understood and laughed. + +"I'm so sorry," I said, "I thought this was your way. I don't know that +it's particularly mine--I was only taking a stroll--so if you don't mind +I'll walk back with you." + +Thereupon we turned back into the Fields. + +It was this mutually made discovery that neither of us was pressed for +time that brought simultaneously into our minds some slight +self-consciousness that for the first time in our lives we should be +thus killing an hour in one another's company. Her own embarrassment +presently gave expression to this. + +"How nice," she said, after we had walked half the length of the central +garden railings in silence, "to feel sometimes that you haven't got to +talk if you don't want to!" + +The remark, commonplace as it was, gave me a new glimpse of her. I knew +that she read a better class of novel than my Evie, and with the results +you might suppose. I don't seriously believe that Evie's "scions of +noble blood" and the rest of her novelette paraphernalia had any point +of contact with real life for her, but Miss Windus carried over the +triteness she got from her reading into her thought and speech. +Therefore, since I myself, though no eloquent speaker, believe that +tongues were made to talk with, I again laughed a little. + +"Yes," I replied, "provided always that you aren't silent merely because +you've nothing to say." + +I think this penetration, such as it was, struck her with quite +remarkable force; and, as the novels provided no reply to it, she was +again silent for a time. We were approaching the corner of Great +Turnstile again, but I don't think she noticed it. We turned down by +Stone Buildings and began to complete the circuit of the Fields. + +"Mr Merridew said you were very clever," she remarked at last. "What +_do_ you study all by yourself in the senior classroom, Mr Jeffries?" +she asked, the quizzical little triangles of her eyes turned up to mine +in the light of a lamp that hung like a beacon over the garden railings. +She wore a plaid Inverness cape and a boat-shaped hat that night, I +remember, and would doubtless have worn rubber heels had those articles +been invented. Never woman made a slighter physical appeal to man than +she. + +"I'm not quite sure myself yet," I replied, as truthfully as made no +matter. "Part of it at any rate is human nature in business." + +"I love human nature," she said. + +I knew I had only to speak. In the light of the wrong I was about to do +her I freely forgave her all her past pretences towards myself. All +grapes had been sour to poor Kitty, and I didn't doubt she had made +brave attempts, and still braver concealments of failure. Baboon or +anybody else, there she was at his pleasure so her reproach be but taken +away. For already I had decided that it might as well be now as later. + +"Yes," I answered, as if absently, and we walked on. + +The night was slightly frosty, and over the houses to the north of the +Fields the glare of Holborn shone rustily. There were few people about. +As we walked, by this time almost used to the strangeness of one +another's company, I wished that the central garden of the square had +not been closed; at least she would have had the association of a tree +and a plot of grass to go with her plighting. But I knew that such +weaknesses as this were not safe, and shut peremptorily down on them. +She seemed so pathetically small and skimpy by my side, and had I +yielded even a little I could almost have persuaded myself of a +tenderness for her. This I refused to do. I would do nothing to make +easy for myself what would by-and-by prove cruel enough for her. + +We were half way round the Fields on our second circuit before I spoke +again. I moistened my lips and steeled myself. + +"Miss Windus," I said. + +I think a tremor took her instantly with my change of tone. She looked +up, but I did not hear whether she said anything. + +Nor did I say anything. Our hands, as we walked, were close together. I +took hers. + +She made no attempt to draw it away, and we walked so. Presently I took +the hand in my other one, and this brought it across my breast. I +daresay she felt the beating of my heart. + +"Kitty," I whispered. + +She pressed against me a little. + +I don't think it ever entered her head that I intended anything but just +that we should walk, for that one night, round Lincoln's Inn Fields like +this. I don't believe she thought of anything. With even that heel and +paring of love she was content--just to walk so, to-morrow if it was to +be, if not then at any rate to-night, with her hand in a man's and her +shoulder pressing lightly against a man's shoulder. + +Well, she had it. + +"Kitty," I whispered again. This was in a dark shadow on the south side +of the Fields. Without prearrangement we had ceased to walk, and were +standing together, she with her face turned downwards and away, quite +ready to give me all she supposed I wanted of her. + +She couldn't murmur my name in return. She didn't know it. It was, for +her, merely "Man." But instead she gave me that for which I stooped over +her. She gave it with a heartrending impulsiveness throwing back her +head suddenly and leaning her bosom on mine. I felt a pair of dry, +slightly cracked lips on my own and was conscious of an odour of +clothes.... Then we separated again. + +"Oh," she said, with a shaky little exhalation of her breath, "I ... I +didn't think you'd ever look at me--Jeff!" + +This last was a quick invention, to cover her ignorance of my Christian +name. + +She meant that she hadn't thought that anybody would ever look at her. +Every shred of the old pretence of the pertinacities and annoyances of +strangers had fallen from her. She lifted up her face again--and +again--as if by present gluttony to forestall insatiable hungers of the +morrow and the morrow after that. + +For a minute I was well-nigh resolved out of sheer compassion to keep my +word and marry her. + +And even then--think of it!--she had no idea that I contemplated what +was, indeed, my sole reason for action--an acknowledged engagement. She +never dreamed I meant to marry her. It was I who spoke of this, +half-an-hour later. By that time we had been to the bottom of Chancery +Lane and back, and were in the Fields again, once more in that same +shadow where I had kissed her first. She looked at me. + +I can hardly write it. There was first a gleam of fear in her eyes, and +then a leaping. + +"_Jeff!_" she cried in a loud voice that cracked. + +I had to catch her as she began slowly to sink at the knees. + + * * * * * + +So I became engaged. At the college it was a nine days' wonder, but I +let them wonder. So did Kitty Windus, merely pretending that the thing +had been for long a secret understanding. Archie, I remember, smirked +through some form of congratulation when I told him: "What, _not_ Louie +after all!" but it was only when Evie Soames flung her arms about Kitty +Windus' neck and well-nigh about mine also that I began really to wonder +what could possibly come of it all. + + +III + +During those little pauses and lapses of study in which men scribble +abstractedly on the margins of paper, idly forming letters or +noughts-and-crosses or inexpert attempts at portraiture, I myself had a +way of filling my blanks at that time that may serve to explain the +change that had more and more come over me. I used to rub with a pencil, +as evenly as possible, two little squares of grey, and then to put into +the middle of the first of them a spot as black as my pencil could make +it, leaving in the second a similar spot, but one of clean white. Unless +you have tried it you may not believe the difference in effect. The +black spot of the first seems to make denser and darker the whole +square; but the white one lightens and relieves it as the sun does when +it struggles through a mist. By what law of optics this is to be +explained I cannot tell; I can only say that if Kitty Windus, wondering +what I studied all by myself in the senior classroom, had come upon me +at these times, she would have found me pondering over these marginal +trifles as in some way a symbol of my own life. + +For had it not been for this gloomy blot of my betrothal to her I would +not now have exchanged my life for that of any man I knew. So did hope +now irradiate it. I was still an eighteen-shilling Agency clerk; I still +lived in a red and green loft over a public-house; but I now believed in +myself, longed to be able to respect myself, and had already grimly +resolved that others should respect me. + +I was in this state of mind when I first set eyes on Angela Soames. + +I was taken there, of course--to Woburn Place, I mean--by Kitty Windus. +It was within a week of our engagement, so that I had not to wait long +for these first-fruits of my extraordinary position. That night was the +second time I walked with Evie to her abode, for Archie followed a few +yards behind with Kitty Windus. We had dropped into this arrangement on +leaving the college, as men tacitly pay each other's partners the +courtesy of their attentions. + +When I have said that Evie's home was in Woburn Place I have gone a long +way towards describing it. She lived in one of those large apartment +houses that are full of Japanese, Americans, and Indian law students, +with a half-pay officer here and there. She and her aunt had rooms of +their own upstairs, but they dined in the large common dining-room +downstairs, at a table that would almost have resembled that of a public +dinner had it not been for the gaps left by the absent boarders, +several of whom were always dining elsewhere. I never saw that table +full. I have tried to carry on a conversation with my neighbour across +two intervening empty chairs. I have had to accept the highly polished +civilities of Indians and Japanese, who have refused to disturb me when +I have removed a rolled napkin in a numbered ring and put a flat and +freshly ironed one in its place. One met niggers and gouty subjects and +antiquated old ladies in the hall and on the stairs; and I was quite +prepared to find Miss Soames the aunt one of these last. + +But she was not in the least so. There was not very much more difference +between her age and my own than there was between mine and +Evie's--though of course what difference there was was all on the wrong +side. She was, I should say, forty-three or four, and I wondered the +moment I saw her how she had got through these forty odd years and +remained Miss Angela. Let me say at once that she had no secret sorrow +(though Kitty always vowed she had). When, later, she told me, with the +greatest self-pluming in the world, that she "could have been married" +more than once or twice, she told me nothing I should not have guessed; +but merely to have had these opportunities seemed entirely to content +her detached and unruffled and rather aimless soul. She had had the +refusal of them--and she coquetted with that. She had avoided the pains +of marriage--and remained the white-haired _ingenue_. It later became +one of Kitty's irritating tricks to "wish she had hair like that"--a +beautiful tower of it dressed _a la Marquise_; but in nothing else could +Kitty ever have resembled Angela Soames.... But perhaps I may be wrong +in my estimate after all. Perhaps no man can really understand that kind +of woman, who cannot lose all herself even when she marries and loses +not very much less when she does not. Evie, I concluded, probably had +her passion for abandonment from her mother. + +I was introduced to the elder Miss Soames in her sitting-room. This +apartment, like herself, seemed to trail even into Woburn Place hems and +fringes of past prosperity. The room itself was not much more than a +cold-blue-papered, corniceless box--but, as the first of a number of odd +little contrasts, a shield-shaped embroidered firescreen hung on a +slender stem near the fire. The door was painted yellow and grained--but +a pair of handsome silver candlesticks stood on the mantelpiece. There +was a threadbare lodging-house carpet--and a black bear-skin hearthrug, +the head of the animal worn bald by Miss Angela's paste-buckled slipper. +And so on. On the round table stood a rosy-shaded lamp (that did _not_ +change to a corresponding shade of green as you looked). Miss Angela +herself wore a soft old grey with a thin Indian silk shawl cast over +her shoulders, and I remembered, as I looked at her, certain former +angry conclusions I had come to about her. I took them all back. +Charmingly unsure of herself in everything, from her love affairs +downwards, she might be, but she did not parrot precepts about the "less +fortunately circumstanced." We shook hands, and I was told that I might +smoke. Archie had come in smoking. + +I did not talk very much during this my first call. Indeed, Miss Angela +murmured, as if to herself, some half-mischievous, half-tactful remark +about an "ordeal"; and my slight nervousness passed as part of Kitty's +"showing off" of me. But the others made up for me, and I listened, +smiling, but silent except when I was directly addressed. + +This I presently was by Miss Angela, and on a point no less interesting +than the way in which Archie spent his evenings. It had already appeared +that he was to celebrate a birthday two days thence, and Miss Angela had +asked him to spend the evening with them. + +"You've given us a very cold shoulder lately," she said; "why, your +mother's been remarking on it!" She pulled a faded tapestry hassock +towards her with her foot, the fire being too hot to allow her to make +use of the bear's head, and reached for a paper fan with which to keep +the heat from her face. "I hope it's not _you_ who take up all his +time, Mr Jeffries?" + +I answered that it was not, and Evie, who had removed her hat and coat +and was now tidying her hair before the mantelpiece mirror, laughed. + +"Mr Jeffries' time is spoken for now--isn't it, Kitty?" she said. + +I saw her look at Archie as she said it. He was astride the hearthrug, +allowing the smoke of his cigarette to stream up his nostrils, and she, +as she arranged her hair, had to look at herself almost over his +shoulder. Her occupation left the whole of her young bosom quite +defenceless had there been a pair of arms to pass about it, and the soft +look she gave him was a double provocation. But he did not return the +look. He moved a little aside, also finding the fire hot, and flipped +his cigarette ash into the fender. + +"I don't think an engaged girl ought to come between a man and all his +old friends," Kitty pronounced. Her look at me was a promise that she +would never come between me and Archie. + +Miss Angela gave a contented little laugh. + +"Ah, you all say that at first! Well...." She glanced past Evie at me, +and took me into her confidence with a private smile. It was as if we +two older ones understood that there was something in process that must +not be disturbed. "But if you don't come, Archie," she added, "I shall +write straight to your mother! You'll come too, Miss Windus?" + +Kitty glanced at me. + +"Oh, of course I mean Mr Jeffries too!" said Miss Angela archly. + +"Oh, of course him too!" quoth Archie, from the hearthrug, loosening his +scorching trousers. "Two hearts that beat as one--you bet--twopence into +a penny show _now_, Jeff!" + +And again Miss Angela, with a look this time past him, seemed to invite +my attention to something. + +You may guess that my attention needed little inviting. So far, my +surmise, that she adored him while she took the admiration a little +impatiently, seemed to be pretty near the mark; and I was confirmed in +this when she presently sat down on the companion hassock beyond the end +of the fender, and, with her face a little averted, sank into +moroseness. It was merely because her glance as she stood before the +mirror had not been returned, but I myself had known too well what it +was to be uplifted and cast down again by these nothings not to +understand. + +And Archie too understood, if the jocular and would-be easy manner in +which he tried to drag her into the conversation again meant anything. I +suspected that this was not the first incident of the kind that had +occurred between them. Presently he had twice addressed her directly +without getting more than the shortest of replies; and the third time +he did so (he, Kitty and Miss Angela had been talking about some +indifferent matter) he added the words, "that is, when Evie's found her +tongue again." + +My darling had a temper of her own. "I didn't know I'd lost it," she +said, with a little perverse snap. + +Then she dropped into her sulks again. + +"These lovers' quarrels!" Miss Angela's private smile to me seemed to +say; but this time I evaded the discreet invitation to participate. + +"Well," Archie said presently, looking at his watch, "I must be off; +I've a chap to meet. Thanks, Aunt Angela (beg pardon; I know you don't +like being called that). I'll come on Thursday, then." + +But Miss Angela exclaimed: "A man to meet! At this hour!" + +Archie took his hat from a chair. "Yes. About a dog. Why not? Fox +terrier," he added facetiously; "must make sure they've got over the +distemper, you know. Thursday then. You two are staying a bit, I +suppose?" he invited us. + +He made his adieux; but almost before the door had closed behind him +Evie had risen from her hassock. + +"You'll excuse me, won't you?" she said quickly. "I've got a headache. I +shall go straight to bed. Good-night." + +And she followed him out--whether straight to bed or not I don't know. +Kitty and I followed shortly afterwards. + +And now that I've got to this Woburn Place portion of my story I may as +well, while I am about it, skip the two intervening days and come to the +evening of Archie Merridew's birthday. + +Thursday was not in any case one of Evie's class evenings, and on that +Thursday she must have been very busy indeed. We were to go to supper at +eight; and as the routine of the boarding house did not provide for +private entertainments the aunt and niece had had all to do themselves. +The supper was therefore of necessity cold, with the exception of some +hot soup, which I suspect to have been heated over a bedroom fire; and +for the furnishing of the round table with the pink-shaded lamp Miss +Angela had rummaged in drawers and trunks and bundles, with notable +results. White heavy plates with the name of the boarding house +contained within an oval garter were set between common knives and +delicate and worn old silver forks and spoons, really beautiful glass +finger-bowls stood on straw mats with a circular hole in the middle; and +a long slender-handled punch-ladle stuck up out of the cheap earthenware +jug full of home-made lemonade. + +I suspect, too, that Evie had changed her mind a dozen times about the +height of her dress at the neck; and probably her aunt's guidance had +led her finally, since she had no special dress for the evening, to +reject the compromise of altering her blouse to an intermediate =V=. Her +dark hair had been newly washed. A softer lace than Kitty Windus' came +quite up to her ears, and Miss Angela had lent her a pearl ring, which +seemed to be mutely asking to be transferred to the finger next to the +one on which she wore it. She was in white, with a longer skirt than +usual; Miss Angela wore the old grey and Indian silk shawl she always +wore; and Kitty looked prettier than I have ever seen her in a spotted +blue foulard (I think I have that right) with wonderfully crimped +sleeves and a cameo brooch at her rather wiry throat. + +She and I arrived before Archie, who, indeed, was a full quarter of an +hour late. When he did turn up, there mingled with his apologies the +bumptious assumption of ease with which he sought to make a joke of his +negligence. He came in noisily, as if he intended to make the party a +success out of hand; and before he had been in the room half-a-minute a +whiff told me what I had instantly surmised from the brightness of his +eyes--that he had been drinking sherry and bitters already. + +"Thanks, Aunt Angela--but that's not all, I hope!" he cried, as Miss +Angela wished him many happy returns of the day. + +And he skipped to her, passed his arm about her waist, and kissed her. + +"Hope you won't mind for once, Jeff," he went on, dancing to Kitty +Windus. Kitty both stiffened rigidly and flushed with excitement as he +kissed her also on the cheek-bone. + +"Here--I'm going all round now--where's Evie?" he demanded. + +But Evie had slipped out of the room. + +We sat down to supper. + +I found Archie insufferable. He made the whole running with an ignorant +egotism that caused my fingers to itch to box his ears. More than once +he contradicted Miss Angela flatly, instantly trying to redeem the +grossness by laughing loudly and crying, "Excuse my frankness--no +offence--only Archie's way!" He made so familiar both with Kitty and +myself that, out of mere hostility to him, I came very near to an +alliance with her. Evie, I saw, was miserable. How much she knew about +his habits I could only guess; I think that already she knew more than a +little; but his had been the fortune to reveal her to herself, and I am +not sure whether that ever wholly dies. I think it has since died as +much as ever it can. + +"But," Miss Angela said by-and-by, seeking to quieten him, "I've +forgotten to ask you how your father is. Better, I hope?" + +"The pater? Oh, he's all right; it's only a bilious attack. Afraid he +got poisoned with some _foie gras_ he ate--jolly good tack _I_ call +it--I'll have some more, please. And what's that you've got to drink +there, Evie?" + +Evie poured him out some lemonade. He looked at it, but made no remark +on it. + +"Here's your _foie gras_--have some cress with it," said Miss Angela. + +And so we feted his lordship. + +After supper there were nuts and almonds, which we ate sitting round the +fire. I say "we," but Archie had what was left afterwards. With a +"Half-a-mo," he had gone out, and I myself thought our party much +pleasanter without him. + +But as he remained away, Miss Angela had no choice but to say presently: +"What _can_ have become of our young man? I wonder if you'd mind +fetching him, Mr Jeffries!" + +I went, and found him. + +He had picked up, on the stairs or in the hall, a Japanese with whom he +had contracted some sort of acquaintance, and I heard his call as I +passed the half-open door of the dining-room. + +"Here--Jeff!" he called. "Hold on--I sha'n't be a minute--come and let +me introduce you to Mr Shoto--Mr Shoto, Mr Jeffries." + +I distrust that too affable little race from the other side of the +world, and I gave Mr Shoto the most perfunctory of nods. Archie was +having a very golden whisky and soda with him. + +"Come along--you oughtn't to clear off like this," I said curtly. "Miss +Soames is asking for you." + +"All right--good old Angela--just a minute till I finish this. We were +talking about Japan, or rather Mr Shoto was. Tell him that about the +Yoshiwara, Shoto." + +But that cunning little alien had evidently summed me up already, and +had a different choice of subject for me. + +I haled Archie back. I wondered, as he sat down by Evie, whether he +would have another man about another dog to see presently, but he +hadn't. Magnanimously he gave us the whole of the rest of the evening. +This he did in spite of the cold encouragement he got from Evie. Twice, +I was certain, while his face did not cease to be animated with the talk +he gave the rest of us, his hand sought hers behind the arm of his +chair; but she drew away. Nevertheless she drew away discreetly. By +doing so openly she could have shown him up, but evidently she did not +wish to show him up. There was no irreconcilable difference between +them. She was angry, but not to the point of refusing to make it up +afterwards. And I knew she was not far from unhappy tears. + +Kitty and I were the first to leave. This was at half-past eleven, and +I had no desire to outsit Archie. He would either leave in another +half-hour, which would leave him time for another golden whisky and +soda, or, setting the smoothing over of Evie's ruffled temper before the +attractions of the public-house, would linger till after closing-time, +when there would be no hurry. To see which alternative he would take +didn't on the whole seem to be worth waiting for. + +So Kitty and I took our leave; and as I walked with her to Percy +Street--where she had two rooms over a modiste's--I--and she too--had to +suffer as best we might the kind of thing I will relate in the next +chapter. + + +IV + +From the beginning she wanted one thing, I another. She was prepared to +"love" me (as if it had been a matter of will, to which, nevertheless, I +am quite certain she would faithfully have adhered) on the condition +that that heart of hers should be no longer a parched pod; but I wanted +no more of her than that my name should be linked with hers as that of +her suitor. To me the appearance was the indispensable thing; she wanted +the substance. And she was already plaguing me for it. + +God knows I gave her what I could give. Afterwards, when all was over, +she still had the memory of it. I hope she found comfort in it. + +For of course it was precisely over that which was Evie's, and which I +was resolved to keep for Evie, that we were locked in a grapple. She +lisped and besought and cajoled. Before I began sometimes utterly to +forget that we were betrothed at all I could often have groaned aloud at +her inexpert playfulness; and I doubt whether the wit of man could have +devised a more acute torture than that which I now began to undergo at +her unsuspecting hands. + +For Archie's birthday was early in March, and already the crocuses were +out, and the barrows in the streets were so aflame with daffodils that +the flowers almost illuminated the faces of the sellers of them. It was +still cold and backward, but the days were long past the turn, and while +single twigs were still of a wintry iron hue, in the mass they took a +softness, and the vistas of the parks had perceptibly changed. In the +streets of the wealthy in which I walked the house-painters were at +work, painting doors and railings and window-boxes; and even at my +King's Cross corner the railway companies' announcements told of the +coming summer. Spring was breaking in London--spring, the merry time of +the year--spring, when lovers cannot keep asunder--and when Kitty and +myself could not, yet must, keep asunder. + +In the streets I knew I was fairly safe. Her hand on my sleeve filled me +with no repugnance. Let me, for example, tell you of our walk back to +Percy Street on that night of Archie's birthday-party. + +As we crossed Tottenham Court Road she slipped her hand into my overcoat +pocket, and my own encountered it there. It held it. It retained it +along dark Percy Street, and still retained it when we stopped together +at the side door next the window with the two fly-blown hats on +pedestals that formed the whole of the modiste's display. There I would +have left her; but "Don't go just yet, Jeff," she begged; "just eentie +walk?" + +"Well, a short one," I said. + +We turned up Fitzroy Street into the Marylebone Road, but I was wary of +the dark empty spaces about Regent's Park. The streets and the crowds +for me. Indeed I may say that during this period of our "walking out" no +couple in London sought solitude as I sought to avoid it; and I +resolutely suppressed the thought of what was going to happen when the +warm days should come and she should ask me to take her to Richmond or +Epping or Kew. It was no good meeting that horror half way. + +Therefore. "Well," I said, as we approached Portland Road Station again, +"hadn't we better be turning? It's getting late." + +"I suppose so," she sighed reluctantly, with a pressure of my arm. +"Let's go this way." + +She indicated one of the darker side streets. We took it. + +By-and-by we stood by the modiste's window again. That is not a very +reputable neighbourhood, and as she stood there, lingering out our talk +to the thinnest of excuses, I guessed what was in her mind. But the +general environment of laxity only produced a primness in her. In being +all that she should be, she was sometimes a good deal more. Still, +there was no harm in dallying with a secret thought. + +But under all circumstances she ever displayed a sort of tempted +prudishness. + +"You and Evie and Miss Soames must come in one Sunday and have tea with +me," she said resignedly at last, allowing the thought that some day I +might go up with her to recede. + +"That will be charming," I replied. + +Then she sighed. "It has been so lovely tonight!" + +"In what way?" I asked, forcing a smile. + +"Archie was horrid, and you, Jeff----" + +Yes, I remembered that hostility to Archie certainly had resulted in a +_rapprochement_ between ourselves. + +"Well," she said at last, lifting her face, "good-night, dearest--I know +who _I_ shall dream of!" + +I kissed her, heard the sound of her key in the lock, and, turning, saw +her little face still looking through the half-closed door after me. I +returned to King's Cross by way of Woburn Place, but there was only a +glimmer of light within the fanlight of Evie's dwelling as I passed. +Perhaps Archie had chosen the whisky and soda after all. + +I soon saw that only by means of a studied unemotionalness should I be +able for long to head her off from the things she sought; and I set +about the creation of this atmosphere without loss of time. In this I +found my far-reaching ambition useful to me; I had simply to be +preoccupied with business to be spared much. I had not to play this +part. I actually was a ferment of new plans. That my absorbing ambition +was all for her sake was allowed to pass as understood. And when she +began to make touching attempts to be interested in my affairs, I, lest +a worse thing should befall me, encouraged her. I talked fully and +freely, knowing that I ran no more risk of betrayal than Napoleon did +when he laid before a Russian peasant woman unacquainted with French the +plan of campaign he feared to trust to his own staff. This I did as the +almonds pushed forth their pink, and the plane-trees budded, and the +building birds sang loudly. Once she called me her building bird. + +I had had to tell her, vaguely, about my employment; and I was also +vague about where I lived. Here her own tempted timorousness helped me. +It was not difficult for me to be stern about the proprieties, and +indeed, as she saw this, and began to feel perfectly safe with me, she +even affected a liberality of thought. "Why not?" she would sometimes +ask almost defiantly; "why not see one another in our own places--if +there was nothing horrid?" + +And for that I usually found a surprised stare answer enough. + +But the hunger was on her, and I had to give her morsels. That was a +haggard horror. It was the more horrible that her vanities always turned +on the things of which she had the least reason to be vain. As an +affectionate and devoted and dull spinster my heart was often soft to +her; but her coquetries would have made an angel groan. For example: her +hands were not remarkably pretty; her fingers had almost the pinkness, +and a little of the shape, of the smaller claws of a freshly boiled +crab; but she gave them no rest from display. I was sometimes commanded, +with a vapid imperiousness, to make much of them. And once, on a seat on +the Embankment, she yielded to a temptation never far removed from her. +It was at night; unnoticed, a portion of her hair had shaken loose; and, +suddenly becoming aware of this, and doubtless with some idea of +maddening me with the thought of something prohibited, she put up her +hands, shook down the short mass on her shoulders, and grimaced at me. +The next day she begged, with a shamed face, that I would try to forget +this sin in her--for apparently she had intended it as sin; but I had +nothing to forget. All that I remembered was the contrast, as she had +put the hair up again, between the bosom under her uplifted arms and +that other bosom from which Archie Merridew had turned away as Evie had +stood before the mantelpiece mirror in Woburn Place. + +Her dwelling, which I first visited with Evie and her aunt, was on the +first floor of the modiste's at the back. Her sleeping apartment I never +saw; and of her sitting-room I have no very clear memory now. There was +a penny-in-the-slot gas-meter on the landing, I remember, and the floor +of the room into which one walked was covered with a greenish jute "art +square," with the wide spaces of bare boarding about it stained with +Condy's Fluid. The previous occupant had left on the walls a "French +boudoir" paper with a pattern of thin vertical lines and tiny garlands +of pink rosebuds (Kitty had cleaned it with dough on taking possession). +The furniture was scanty, with a good deal of muslin about it, and a +sewing-machine stood in the back window, which looked over a restaurant +yard. When she had more than two visitors at once she had to fetch an +extra chair from her bedroom, and from the sound her heels made at these +times I gathered that that room was uncarpeted. + +As by quickening degrees she began to accept her unlooked-for situation +more as a matter of course, her thoughts naturally turned to the future +and that I found to involve her whole attitude to Life. The things we +were to do "when we were married" were dictated by the narrowness of her +outlook. She had about a pound a week of her own money, I don't know +exactly where from, but I think from some tramways Edgbaston way, and +this sum, together with whatever she might be able to earn for herself, +was practically the limit of her conception of any income she was ever +likely to have. From the stories she told me of her earlier years I +gathered that she came from a social stratum in which the men are lords +indeed, sometimes "in work," sometimes "out," and apparently content +during these last vicissitudes to be dependent on their wives or sisters +or mothers. It seemed to me such a pitiful little world, of milliners, +lodging-house keepers, music-mistresses, fancy needlewomen and daughters +in offices; and I was given the corresponding male standing. As with the +men her cousins (her nearest relatives) had married, if I should ever +happen to earn money, well and good; if not, so much the worse. She +reckoned only on her weekly pound and her own efforts. And as I learned +that Cousin Alf and Cousin Frank were boundlessly optimistic, and looked +forward to a future no less bright than that of which I felt the +certitude within me, I soon discovered that I was merely indulged in +what in her heart she set down as vapourings. It was the woman who, in +her experience, "kept the home together," and she was prepared to keep +me. + +"Well," I laughed, "I daresay I shall learn to pare the potatoes as well +as Cousin Alf in time." + +But she smiled a sad, wise little smile. I might joke, but she knew. + +"And it's just possible that some time or other I may make a pound or +two," I said, smiling back. + +"There'll be your clothes and pocket-money," she replied. + +So I was to be kept--kept by virtue of my masculinity, as one keeps a +dog to bark. I was to be kept, I divined, somewhere in a suburb, in a +house the smallness of the rent of which would be exactly balanced by +the increased cost of the season ticket that would take me daily to my +work, when I was "in." Even when I was "out" I was to be treated with a +nice consideration, for she "never had liked to see Frank washing up--it +looked so unmanly," but as she said nothing about cleaning boots or +fetching coals, these things apparently were not unmanly. And I wondered +whether the Alfs and Franks were more numerous than I had thought, or +were becoming so. Small wonder their women treated them with almost +contemptuous tolerance, blazing out once in a while into a row. And I +now see that in this sense I wronged Kitty when I said she was one of +Life's takers. There are always two sides to a thing, and on this side +she wanted nothing but to give. + +But, willing as she was to do all this in the future, I soon discovered +that she wanted her small solatium in the present. In the matter of +little treats and outings I did not compare very favourably even with +her Franks and Alfs. As you know, I simply had not the necessary +shillings. And so I began (I knew) to appear "near" and "close" to her. +One Friday evening, as we left the college together, she allowed as much +to be seen. + +"Jeff," she said suddenly, as we approached the corner by the Oxford +together, "do you know, you've never taken me to a theatre yet!" + +Personally I have never greatly cared for the theatre; but it happened +that I had spoken to her once or twice rather off-handedly that evening, +and was not unwilling to make amends. Besides, the theatre might save a +walk in Hyde Park. I pumped up a vivacity. + +"No more I have," I replied. "Good idea. It's too late to go to-night, +but we might have a walk round and see what's on." + +She fell in with the suggestion gleefully, and we walked down Charing +Cross Road and Shaftesbury Avenue, looking at theatre announcements as +we went. At the Circus we turned along Coventry Street, and presently +found ourselves opposite the Prince of Wales'. I think it was _La +Poupee_ that was running there; if it wasn't it was some other piece +that seemed light; and as I like, when I do go to the theatre, to be +amused rather than instructed, I plumped for _La Poupee_ as against +Kitty's suggestion--some stern and ennobling tragedy. I had drawn my +week's money that evening. It would be a sorry business if, with all +those years of Alfing and Franking before me, I could not once in a +while spare five shillings out of my eighteen; and so we elected for _La +Poupee_ for the following evening. + +We went. We waited for perhaps two hours outside the pit door, but, as +Kitty said when at last we did get inside, our places were worth it. +When we were married, she said, we ought to be able to afford at least +one theatre a month--she didn't in the least mind going to the +gallery--and it would be something to think about for the next month. +She didn't intend, when we were married, to get rusty. We were going to +have our little outings like other married people, and if I continued, +when we were married, to like light things and she serious pieces, we +would choose in turn. And so on. I only half heard. I was spreading my +remaining ten shillings over the week to come--ten shillings, mark you, +not thirteen, for I had had to buy Kitty a ring, for which I was paying +at the rate of three shillings a week. + +Nothing happened at that performance of _La Poupee_. I am merely telling +you this in order that you may see exactly how we stood, not at the +crisis of our lives, but during the intervening stretches. I added to +the problem of the coming week by giving a shilling for a box of +chocolates, and no extravagance I have ever committed brought me a +richer return than Kitty's look of pleasure. I suppose that really this +was all that was demanded of Alf and Frank--a trifling, unexpected +superfluity once in a while. Lucky fellows! I, however, was neither a +Frank nor an Alf, my dreams were not the mere beguilings of an idleness; +and neither during my courtship (my real one, I mean) nor thereafter was +I going, in any woman's heart, to lord it on so little. + + +V + +I remember the Sunday on which Evie, Miss Angela and I first took tea +with Kitty Windus for two reasons. The first was that Miss Angela, who +at first had begged to be excused, had come after all (knocking on the +head my plan of walking back with Evie alone). And the second was +Kitty's asking me to remain behind after the others had taken their +departure. + +We had gone at four o'clock; and even as the three of us had walked +towards Percy Street together (I had picked the others up on my way) I +had wondered what had suddenly come over Evie. She had seemed pale and +jumpy and morose, and had scarcely spoken a word during the whole of our +walk. Nor had she said very much more as we had eaten the hot muffins +and drunk the tea Kitty had provided. Indeed, the greater part of the +talk had been between Miss Angela and myself, and even that had +languished. + +Then suddenly Miss Angela had said something that had, I thought, +explained matters. Archie's father, whose illness Miss Angela had asked +about on the evening of the birthday-party, had taken a sudden turn for +the worse, and Archie had been summoned to Guildford the day before. + +"Well, we must hope for the best," Miss Angela had concluded. "There's +no need to begin moping yet, child----" + +Miss Angela also had jumped at my own explanation of Evie's +moodiness--that now that Archie was in trouble his misdoings were +forgotten. + +I was to learn my error half-an-hour later, when Evie and her aunt rose +to depart. + +I, of course, had intended to leave with them; but as I held the door +open for them to pass out Kitty said: "You stay for a few minutes, Jeff; +I've something to tell you.... Good-bye, Evie dear. I do hope your cold +will soon be well, Miss Soames----" + +And she waved her hand to them as they passed down the stairs. + +I swore under my breath, but there was no help for it. I followed Kitty +back into her sitting-room. She crossed to the fireplace and sank into a +canvas deck-chair with her back to the sewing-machine. I remained +standing, with my hat in my hand, at the other corner of the +mantelpiece. + +She had allowed her head to fall back against the sagging canvas, and +had closed her eyes. + +"Sit down," she said, without opening her eyes, and, wondering what was +wrong, I reached for her bedroom chair and sat down. + +"What's the matter?" I asked, a little alarmed already, though I knew +not why. I wondered if anything had been discovered about myself. There +were, as you know, plenty of such things to discover. + +Her eyes still remained closed, but her head fell a little on one side. +It was not until I had asked her again what was the matter that she +spoke. + +"It's--it's dreadful!" she moaned. "I--I can see you haven't heard----" + +"What is? Come, come!" I said, with some concern but more impatience. +"No, I've not heard anything to take on like this about--unless you mean +something about Archie's father?..." + +"No, it's nothing to do with Archie's father. Oh, I can't possibly tell +you, Jeff----" + +It was on the tip of my tongue to say that in that case it was of little +use my remaining; but she went on. + +"Just a minute," she said. "You haven't heard ... about Louie Causton?" + +I was certainly surprised. You will remember that I had not set eyes on +Miss Causton since the evening of the breaking-up party, when she had +danced twice round the room with me, sought me out again subsequently, +and told me what the result had since falsified--that she was returning +to the college in the new term. + +"No," I said abruptly. "What about her? Nothing wrong, I hope?" + +But she only sobbed, "Oh, Jeff!" and with her eyes still closed put out +a helpless hand. + +I had to approach and take the hand before I learned what the mystery +was. I don't know whether you have already guessed it. I hadn't, but for +all that my surprise, great as it was, passed even in the moment of +Kitty's broken whispering in my ear. I had known Louie Causton for a +deep, still pool; I don't think any revelation whatever could have added +to my respect for her powers of irony and nonchalance; and yet when I +say that my surprise passed it passed only to return. Good gracious!... +I seemed to hear her carefully lackadaisical voice again as she had +munched nougat: "So long since I've seen a man, my dear" ... and other +circumstances, unmarked at the time, flashed on me now. + +A child! + +"Good gracious!" I breathed again in consternation. + +My next thought was of Evie. + +I was kneeling by Kitty's chair, holding her hand. I asked quickly: + +"Does Evie know of this?" + +"Yes." + +"And does she know you're telling me?" + +"Yes." + +"And of course Miss Soames does not know?" + +"No." + +"She thinks as I thought, that it's about Archie's father Evie's so +upset?" + +"Yes; but perhaps she is about that too a little. I'm horribly upset, +Jeff." + +This last I took as a hint that the effect of this very startling +intelligence on Evie was not the first thing to be considered. + +"Yes, yes.... I see...." I murmured. + +We were silent, and I felt Kitty's fingers move within my grasp. They +pressed mine more closely. + +"Don't leave me just yet, Jeff," she begged faintly. She was genuinely +prostrated. + +"No, no," I said. "Let me think for a minute...." + +The next moment my brain was buzzing with thought. + +I knew that only some such contact with plain raw actuality as this had +been lacking in order to make Evie's transition from girlhood to +womanhood complete. No longer now was she the fair young tree standing +over its sprinkling of delicate discarded sheaths; this puff of Life's +east wind had carried away the last of them. She had heard of these +things, and so in a sense knew of them; but that somebody she knew ... +that it should have come so near ... yes, poor shocked heart, that +finished it. Archie's insupportable vanities had begun her +enlightenment; the menace of his father's condition had touched her with +the fringe of its shadow; and now this revelation had come upon her. + +Mr Merridew's illness, moreover, had a plainly seen peril for me. I knew +that if anything happened Archie would immediately have enough money to +marry on, and my own labours--all that I had planned and done from the +first moment of my loving her to this present hour when I sat in Kitty +Windus' back room holding Kitty's hand--would go for nothing. They, Evie +and Archie, would probably marry, and I--I knew this in that moment for +a certainty--I, from sheer yielding, should find myself married to Kitty +Windus the moment I could scrape the money together. + +I gave a soft groan. I don't know whether Kitty supposed my groan the +commiseration for Louie Causton. + +Yet what else, if I had chosen a different line, could I have done? +Nothing! My shrinking heart cried, Nothing! What was I to have spoken to +a young girl of marriage? An Agency clerk--with dazzling hopes! A +dweller over a sordid publi-house--and a dreamer of visions! The +possessor of a single suit of presentable clothes, the knees of which I +was even now deteriorating past remedy--and of a heart tapestried with +purple and gold, filled with an almost insensate ambition! + +And I saw Evie only at all on the well-nigh insupportable footing that I +was the betrothed of Kitty Windus! + +Oh, if I had but had two suits of clothes, and thirty-six shillings a +week instead of eighteen shillings, I think I would have cut the knot +there and then and have sought Evie out that very night and asked her to +marry me! + +Then after a time I became more practical. Things, even the +heart-breaking small things of my life, were after all slowly changing. +One of these things was that my slavery at Rixon Tebb & Masters' was +already promising to draw to a close. I have not yet spoken of this. Let +me do so, briefly, now. + +Once more I had been looking for a billet elsewhere, and this time I had +excellent hopes of success. The post for which I had applied would not +be vacant for six weeks yet, but I had forced a personal interview with +one of my prospective employers, and had done what I had intended to +do--impressed him strongly with a sense of my mental capacity. He had +promised me his interest, and, unless he forgot it again (which, of +course, was not impossible), I might have at least enough for one to +live on before long. And once more my wider hopes were, I knew in my +soul, not illusions. Soon there would remain only the bond that tied me +to Kitty, and, with that broken, I would no longer envy even Archie +Merridew that luck and weak charm of his that in the past had so often +seemed more valuable than all I possessed. + +But Kitty, lying back in her deck-chair, had opened her eyes again. They +were full of softness and fright. She spoke. + +"I wonder, Jeff--whether----" she said timidly and stopped. + +"You wonder what, Kitty?" I asked gently. + +"I know how strict you are--and if you say no I won't--but if I might go +and see her----" + +"Miss Causton?" + +"Not if you don't wish it, Jeff----" + +I considered. + +"Has she asked you to go?" + +"No--but if you wouldn't mind--very much----" + +It mattered little to me, but I had to pretend to ponder deeply. + +I really don't know whether I felt sorrow for Miss Causton or not. She +was altogether beyond my comprehension. For all I knew my sorrow might +be an impertinence. So I must seem to ponder. + +"Where is she?" I asked. + +"She's taken rooms in Putney." + +"Alone?" I asked, with a quick glance at Kitty. + +"Oh yes!... Until June or July, that is----" + +"It is then that she expects----" + +"Yes.... And I thought, Jeff, that perhaps next Saturday--we shall be +out that way----" + +We had arranged a little excursion for the following Saturday, the four +of us--Evie and Archie, and Kitty and myself. We were to wander on +Wimbledon Common. + +"I never really knew her well, Jeff, understood her, I mean," she went +on, "but after all I did see a good deal of her. It's horrible, when I +remember the things she used to say.... And--and--you've made such a +difference to me, darling--I wasn't going--to be married--before.... I +should like to go, Jeff--just once," she begged. + +"You wouldn't commit yourself to anything?" + +"Oh no!" + +"Does Evie want to go too?" I asked. + +"No. She says she couldn't bear it. She cried half last night as it is." + +"Then you'd call on your way next Saturday, and meet the three of us +later?" + +"Yes." + +"Very well," I concluded. "You'd better go." + +She threw her arms impulsively about my neck. + +Then a change came over her. I think the change began with the failure +of the supply of gas from the penny-in-the-slot meter. She had arranged +for her little party a pink tissue-paper shade about her milky globe, an +idea she had borrowed from Woburn Place; and slowly its colour faded. I +had several pennies in my pocket. Quickly I felt for them. + +But she moved closer to me. I was still on my knees by her deck-chair. + +"Don't bother about it--just for once, Jeff," she murmured. + +She could do it with impunity now. After what had passed our situation +could hardly be commonplace, and our nearness was as little compromising +as nearness ever can be. She luxuriated in her little perilous +letting-go--could toy with, and yet be immune from, a danger. + +Slowly the gas expired, and the firelight glowed on the blue and white +check tablecloth and the disarray of tea-things upon it. On the back +wall of the restaurant yard was a square of orange light which the +shadow of a waiter's head crossed from time to time. I don't know that +with some men--Mackie, for instance--her position would have been all +she supposed it to be, but, poor heart, she had had little enough +experience from which to surmise that. And I myself could hardly be said +to be there at all. She lay in my arms; and in whatever false sweet +fancies she lay endrowsed she was not alone. I had my torturing vision +too. It was neither of her nor of Louie Causton, that vision. I was +trying to persuade myself that she was another than Kitty Windus. + + +VI + +Of our visit to Wimbledon on the following Saturday I intend to say as +little as may be. When you have read it you will not, I know, ask my +reason. + +Archie did not appear. This time he had cause enough. The wire which was +handed to me at Rixon Tebb & Masters' a little before Saturday midday +(Polwhele brought it to me with a look that said plainly, "What next?") +announced that his father had died during the night, and he had +despatched it from Victoria Station on his way down to Guildford. +Instantly my heart leaped. + +Kitty was going to see Miss Causton. If, this new tidings +notwithstanding, Evie would still keep to the engagement, I should have +an hour with her alone. + +I persuaded Evie to come. At first she obstinately refused, but I had +the support of Miss Angela, to whom I privately whispered the +desirability of "taking her mind off it." We left Woburn Place, the two +of us, called for Kitty, and sought the Putney 'bus. Kitty left us at +the corner of a street off the New King's Road, and Evie and I passed on +to the bridge. + +That was about four o'clock, and Kitty was to rejoin us near the +Windmill at an hour that would depend upon the length of her stay with +Miss Causton. She expected to be at the Windmill by five. + +But at five there was no sign of her, nor had she appeared by half-past +five. At a little before six I said to Evie, "She'll know we've gone on +to the nearest place to tea, and will follow us. Let's go----" + +Not far from the Windmill, on the Wimbledon side, there is a sort of +small hamlet, with cottages and alleys and split-oak palings, and a +refreshment house at the end of a garden. There Evie and I had tea, and +there we sat after tea, waiting for Kitty. I talked of this and that, +all very much away from the two subjects uppermost in her heart, and by +half-past six I had given Kitty up. + +"She's missed us," I said. "We may happen to run across her, but it's no +good waiting here. Shall we take a turn before we go back?" + +We left the refreshment-room, and walked among the gorse and birches in +the direction of Queen's Mere. + +It was a green and amber evening, with the shadows already deepening +over Coombe Woods and the calling of homing rooks in the air. Here and +there in the glades family parties still continued to play games with a +ball that was quickly becoming difficult to see, and lovers appeared +among the coppices. The blackthorn was over, and the may hung in sprays +of delicate drooping buds; and in the south-west hung the pale sickle of +the new moon. Evie and I, saying little, dropped down a steep over-grown +alley that led to the mere, and it was in a sandy bottom at the foot of +the alley that I heard a distant rasping call. Another call followed it, +and then a throaty thrilling, and then another short series of acrid and +moving calls. + +It was a nightingale. + +By the time we had reached the motionless amber-green water it had +broken into full song. + +I cannot tell--hitherto I have not attempted to tell--the mystery of +that eve and of the song with which it rang. I cannot speak--nor would I +if I could--of the responses that eve and that song called up in my +heart. It was, I think, for both of us as if that bird's voice cried +aloud all that we had left unuttered during the past few hours. Even +Louie Causton, even Archie's father, had their part in it. It was as if +that voice spoke of the feeble and infinitely moving wonder of birth--of +the impinging of that relentless shadow that closes all--and of the +griefs and joys and smarts and healings again of the brief passage from +that unknowing to this forgetting again. All this crowded upon me in +that exquisite agony of notes. And more came, until I could hardly +endure it. There was no poignancy, no utter melting and surrender, that +those importunate wellings did not give to the falling night. The +unattainable greatness of Life and our own puny reachings forth for that +greatness--Life's glory and the indignities of the miserable livers of +it--Life's majesty and the nosings and burrowings of the fallen heirs to +that majesty--all these shortcomings were reconciled in the song; and +what man would be, that for an hour he was. I fail in expressing this; +Evie, I am sure, did not seek to express it; but in that loud and lost +and anguished outpouring, raptures and torments were folded together as +in an Amen.... For one moment only I shuddered; I had remembered that +but for an accident I might have stood by that water, listening to that +song, with Kitty Windus, but the physical convulsion passed, and the +bird sang on. + +I had not looked at Evie. I do not think she knew she had drawn a little +closer to me. Other listeners had been attracted by the melody, but we +stood in a shadow, near a rill that fell into the mere. The water was +nacre; the moon's sickle in it was a thin blade of amethyst; and I +thrilled unspeakably as the bird's song changed without warning to long, +low, caressing notes that drew the heart out of me as the nectar-bag of +a floret is drawn from a flower. I heard Evie's slow sob. + +Oh, might I but have crushed out that other nectar, to transmute into +honey of our own! + +Suddenly Evie flung herself on my breast, sobbing and strangling. Her +fingers worked at the lapel of my collar; by bending my head I could +have touched her small white knuckles with my lips. I was conscious that +in my efforts not to do this I bared my teeth like a dog, but I +remembered in time that to snatch was to lose. It was not my bosom +against which her bosom heaved--it was the nearest sentient +resting-place on which she could lay it. Her unhappiness and her +happiness, her dream and her disillusion, her knowledge and her already +failing hopes, rushed together in her sobs. Her love of a wastrel and +her love for all he was a wastrel, and that hidden and sacred nook from +which Louie Causton had ruthlessly ripped the curtain--for the pure +strangeness of these things her tears gushed forth. I felt the long +heave of her body. + +"Come, come, my dear!" I said, with an infinitude of tender +encouragement, close to her ear. + +"Oh--oh--oh!" she sobbed. + +"Dear, dear girl!" I murmured, passing my arm about her to support her. + +But at that moment I could no more have said or done more than this than +I could have sued for a favour by the bier of a scarce-cold lover. + +"Hush, poor child!" I whispered, patting her shoulder. "Come, let's go. +Let's leave that dreadful bird." + +"Just a--mi--mi--minute----" she quavered. "I--I--love it--and I can't +bear it----" + +Even so did I love, and yet could scarce bear to hold the tender form in +my arms. + +Presently we left the mere, mounted the dark lane, and began to cross +the common. Her hand was now on my sleeve, and it did not leave it +again. Once her fingers made an impulsive little pressure on it, which, +I cried sternly to my heart, I must not regard. But God knows the war +there was between the sweetness of it and my fortitude. + +"Jeff," she said more quietly by-and-by, using that name for the first +time. "I--I couldn't have borne it if it hadn't been for you. It was +too--too----" + +"Never mind, dear," I soothed her. "Let's walk a little more +quickly--your aunt will be wondering what's become of you----" + +She laughed tremulously. "Kitty will be wondering what's become of +_you_," she said. Then she added timidly, "She's a lucky girl!" + +"Oh? Why?" I asked. + +"You're so--so----" + +But she did not say what. + +We turned down Putney Hill. + + * * * * * + +I said I should say little of this, and I shall say no more. I took her +home, but did not go in with her, neither, though I ought to have done +so, did I seek Kitty. I went home, but all that I knew of my getting +there was that I found myself sitting, with my hat and coat still on, on +the edge of the bed in my red-and-green-lighted apartment. + +They were turning out from the public-house below when at last I rose +sluggishly and began to prepare for bed. + +For half the following week I was outside and beyond myself. + +But exactly a week, less a day, from that Saturday on which I had held +Evie in my arms there dropped a thunderbolt into my life. On that Friday +evening I had gone as usual to the cashier for my wages, and he had paid +me; but as I had turned away again with my eighteen shillings he had +said, as if giving utterance to an afterthought, "Oh--Jeffries--we find +we shall not require your services after this week. You can have your +notice in writing if you would prefer it." + +And he had turned to pay Sutt, the next man in the queue. + + + + +PART III + +THE GARRET + + + + +I + +Poor, fussy, well-meaning Kitty had done it--had done it all +unwittingly. In telling her vaguely where I lived I had left the number +of my house unspecified, and when a letter had come for me to the +Business College on an evening when I had announced my intention of +being away, she, inspired by the urgency of my affairs, had got a +directory and readdressed the letter to me at Rixon Tebb & Masters'. It +was a letter from the firm into whose service I hoped soon to enter, and +I examined the flap of the envelope carefully when finally it did come +into my hands. Polwhele (I have little doubt it was he) had steamed it +open, read it and closed it again. + +This time all I could get out of Gayns, whom I once more approached, was +that Rixon Tebb & Masters' had no use for an employee whose mind was +already elsewhere. + +It was true that the sack from Rixon Tebb & Masters' was not now a +matter of the first importance. That was not the thunderbolt. Scanty as +my wages were I had still saved up nearly three pounds out of them; +and, as the letter that Polwhele had tampered with contained the news +that I might hold myself in readiness to begin my new work a month from +that date, the sum was enough to tide me over. But the letter had a +postscript. This was a merely formal intimation that it was assumed that +I could produce the usual references of steadiness, reliability and so +forth. I myself never dreamed that I should be denied them. + +I was denied them, however, by Polwhele. + +"But--but," I stammered, aghast. + +Polwhele referred me to my real employers, the Agency. I gave him a long +and gradually lowering stare. + +"Do you mean----" I began slowly. + +"I mean what I say," he snapped; and as he turned away he added in a +lower voice, "You ain't surprised, are you?" + +And, remembering how I had seen him with his fingers in Mr Masters' +waste-paper basket, I could not say I was. + +Again I sought Gayns. This time the cashier flew into a passion. + +"Confound you!" he cried. "You're more trouble than all the rest of them +put together! What is it now? A character? Oh yes, you can have a +character! I'd advise you not to show it to anybody, though! First +leaving us--then coming back--then days off--then dickering with other +firms! Go to Polwhele--go to the Agency--go to hell!" + +I left Rixon Tebb & Masters' without references. + +Without references my new firm refused to have anything whatever to do +with me. + +I come now to the deepest slough of my poverty. + +It was early in the month of June that I was thrown out of work, with +thirty-five shillings in my pocket. The drizzling winter had given place +to a glorious early summer, and the days increased in heat until they +became torrid. Men walked Piccadilly at night in evening dress, with +their light dust-coats thrown over their arms; and ragged urchins hailed +the appearance of watercarts with whoops of joy and danced barelegged in +the refreshing puddles behind them. Horses wore straw bonnets, out of +which their ears stuck ludicrously up; in whole districts the water +supply began to be cut off at certain hours of the day; the pitiless sun +gave every street the appearance of a hard, hot snapshot; and, as the +heat got on people's nerves, the cries of children at play became +intolerably strident. + +My corner at King's Cross was well-nigh insupportable. Why the quantity +of torn paper in the gutters should redouble the moment the sun begins +to glare on London I do not know, unless it be that the fried fish and +ready-cooked provision businesses suddenly boom; and certainly the +refuse in which I frequently walked ankle-deep was mostly heavy with +grease. Even had I been able to afford it, my "pull-up" had now become +such a stove that I do not think I could have entered it. I dined, or +rather supped, late at night, at one of the coffee-stalls where the +electric trams now sweep round from Gray's Inn Road to St Pancras +Station; and I breakfasted (my only other meal) on bread and the water I +drew from my tap on the landing before it was cut off. The council +didn't save much in my case by cutting the supply off. I filled every +vessel I could lay my hands on early in the morning. As Miss Causton had +once said, one must be clean, and Archie, whose bath I could now have +passed my days in, was seldom to be found in his rooms near the +Foundling Hospital now. + +For three weeks I trudged the streets looking for work; and then a bit +of luck befell me. The new "professor" at the college broke down under +the heat; it was not desired to give up the Friday evening +advertisement-writing class; and I daresay my anomalous standing at the +place, something between student and pathetic high-and-dry +"institution," was the cause of its being offered to me. I got five +shillings for the evening, and that five shillings kept me for five +days. I discovered that I need not pay my rent. The first week I missed +doing this I made a shamefaced apology to my landlord, the publican, +and discovered that he was not a bad sort. It was too hot to worry about +trifles, he said, and so set himself a precedent that cost him pretty +dearly until, long afterwards, I saw to it that he was not the loser for +having harboured me during that time. + +Wherever I sought work my inability to produce a character damned me; +and on the other hand I was not a Discharged Prisoner. Two or three +times I was taken on casually, once as a packer at a large furniture +emporium, once at a stocktaking for bankruptcy purposes, and once (I +forget how I tumbled into this) I spent a whole day locked in an upper +room of a town hall, counting the voting-papers in some borough or +vestry election--a lucrative ten-shilling job. This was before I got, +and retained for some weeks (until I had the Corps of Commissionaires +down on me), the post of hall porter at the offices of a sporting paper. +I will tell you about that presently. You will see that I am making all +the haste I can to have done with this horrible time. + +Among other things, the general deterioration in my appearance had +forced me to tell Kitty Windus that I was out of work. But I had made +light of it, saying that, on the whole, it was rather a good thing, as I +needed some sort of a spur; but I daresay Alf and Frank had said the +same thing many a time. Presently my former boastings, about the great +things I was shortly going to do, had committed me to the lie that I +had at last found employment. It was my week's stocktaking that I told +this particular lie about, and Kitty never knew when that temporary job +came to an end. Nor, poor girl, did I tell her what she had done when +she had forwarded that letter to Rixon Tebb & Masters'. It would become +me ill to say that she stuck to me because it was myself or nothing for +her; already I had begun to dread that it would be no easy matter to get +rid of her when I might find it necessary to do so: and many a time, as +my despair grew upon me, sweeping all personal reluctances and physical +repugnances aside, I threw pride to the winds, and ate, in her +sitting-room in Percy Street, the only food I had tasted during the +day--becoming an Alf or a Frank in very fact. + +For--perhaps this was partly the effect of the unrelenting heat--her +insipid coquetries had begun to exasperate me more and more. I became +increasingly petulant when I was commanded to "tiss eentie finger" and +to look into the little scalene triangles of her eyes and say that I +loved her. Presently, I am afraid, I began to cause her many tears. We +wrangled frequently. I was "near," I was "close," I did not treat her as +other engaged girls were treated, I never took her anywhere except for a +bus ride, or to a cheap theatre once in a blue moon. + +Then one day, without warning, she brought it up against me that I had +"given her the slip" that afternoon on Wimbledon Common. + +Of this I was technically so innocent, but morally so entirely guilty, +that I broke out into anger, and there was a scene. + +"I know some girls are younger and prettier than I am," she broke out, +with unbridled temper, "but you _did_ ask me to marry you after all." + +"So I did," I admitted, in a tone that made her flame. + +"Yes," she cried shrilly. "And not only that--I've seen you looking at +Louie Causton too." + +"Oh?" I said, noting with relief that her jealousy was not specially of +Evie. "Well, there are one or two pleasing points about her." + +"And she was the only one you danced with at the party." + +"Before I asked you to marry me?" + +"And me--you've never _once_ taken me to a dance, though I've _seen_ +Rachel Levey offer you tickets." + +"Perhaps you've seen me look at Miss Levey too?" + +"And you never spoke to me, and sat behind the books with Louie." + +"Well, there only remains one other suggestion for you to make." + +And so on. It was degrading in the extreme. But I was sufficiently +punished for it later, when she lay with her head on my breast, sobbing +out phrases of contrition for her vindictive temper and supplication for +pardon. + +All, all gone now was the hour of exaltation in which I had heard the +nightingale sing and had felt my glowing girl's breast heaving against +my own. I was a hungry, desperate man, living a life against which I +knew I should not be able to bear up indefinitely, and already glancing +into the public-house as I entered by my side door and beginning to +wonder whether they were not wiser than I who made use of the anodyne of +drink. Why not drink, and forget for at least an hour? And one night, +meeting Mackie again, and having eaten little, I did succumb, and for +the first time in my life got drunk. I got drunk at his expense. He had +heard the news of Louie Causton, and wanted to talk about it. I, like a +cur, let him.... I broke away from him at last, but not until my +loosened tongue had said I know not what. + +My relation with Evie during this time is difficult to define. She never +quite put me back again into the place I had occupied before that +Saturday when we had heard the nightingale together, but newer +preoccupations overlay this relation. Archie now had money (I never knew +quite how much) at his command; but he still showed no sign of putting +it to the use Miss Angela, if not I, had expected--that of entering +into a formal engagement with Evie. Miss Angela found excuses for this +out of her own imagination--that his father had only lately died, and so +on; but I could have set her right even then. I knew how things were +drifting. From the little I remembered of my talk with Mackie, Archie +had found in his coming into money quite another opportunity. What might +have facilitated his marriage with Evie actually delayed it. He was +getting rid of his money in Leicester Square again. + +So Evie's name was associated with his, and yet there was no plighting +between them, and Evie swayed, now happy but with a fear, now +despairing, but not hopelessly so. There was no trouble she could have +brought openly to me even had she wished, but nevertheless she often +turned to me significantly full of silence. She, Kitty and I often +walked homewards together through the sweltering streets, and when Evie +had left us Kitty would speak her mind freely about Archie Merridew. + +"He's one of the Jewness Dorey now!" she exclaimed one evening, taking +the phrase, I don't doubt, from one of her "better class" novels. "And +it's no good saying it's got nothing to do with us! I think _you_ ought +to give him a talking-to!" + +This was in the typewriting-room of the college, within ten minutes of +the close of an advertisement-writing evening. + +"What can I say to him?" I asked. "It's no business of mine." She little +knew how much I had made it my business. + +"Oh, that's just like a man!" she said impatiently, all aglow with the +_esprit de sexe_. "The poor child's moping and fretting, and you say +it's no business of yours! Of course it's the business of _all_ her +friends!" + +"Of all her women friends, maybe," I answered. "Well, if that's so, why +don't you and Miss Angela have a talk about it?" + +"As if we hadn't--twenty!" she cried. "You and your bright ideas. It +isn't fair--it _isn't_ fair to Evie!" + +"But what is it you hope for?" I asked. + +She stared. "Why, that he'll marry her, of course!" + +"Quite so. But I don't mean that. I mean, do you and Miss Angela think +you can bring any pressure to bear?" + +"Yes, I do--young idiot!" she broke out. "He ought to be ashamed of +himself!" + +And I didn't doubt that a certain amount of pressure might be brought to +bear. If it was made less trouble for Archie to marry than not to marry, +he would probably marry. He had not manhood enough, if it was clearly +shown that marriage was expected of him, to hold out. And I knew how +those marriages turned out.... I meditated. + +"But," I objected, "why meddle? You know what a marriage of that kind +would be! You see what he is anyway!" + +But here I had touched Kitty's limitation. For her, as for her novels, +marriage was the end of the story. If joybells closed it nothing after +that mattered, and the look she gave me was a personal confirmation. + +"But," she went on presently, "you could help, Jeff. We women can't talk +to him--though he's not getting very many smiles from _me_ just now!" + +I smiled. "You're an unscrupulous crew," I remarked. + +"Will you see him?" + +"Well--I won't say I won't." + +"But _will_ you?" + +"Perhaps--if I see a fitting opportunity." + +"A fitting. Look!" Her voice dropped. Evie had just come into the +typewriting-room on her way to wash her hands before leaving. "I'll tell +you what," Kitty said quickly; "you go along with her now. See if it +isn't as I say. Then tell me whether you won't give that little idiot a +dressing-down at once." + +She had quite forgotten that twinge of jealousy that had been the cause +of our recent scene. If she hadn't, the more honour to her sense of sex +comradeship. It was about this time that I was beginning quite +frequently to forget that our relation was that of lovers, and as long +as I could forget that, she had pathetic little magnanimities that I +even admired. + +"All right, if you wish it," I said. + +So for once Evie's society was absolutely thrust upon me. + +That night she was all that Kitty had said--plunged in despondency. She +was, of course, "in love with" Archie, but that after all is only a +generic expression. Even love comes down to cases, and I think that in +her case, even then, she was wondering whether, had things happened a +little differently, she might not have been equally "in love" with +somebody else. Of that I myself had never a doubt. With Archie's money, +or even a decent job, I would have flouted the whole world in my +triumphant security that I could make her mine. And I should do so yet. +Though for the present my power might go a-begging, I vowed that it +should yet be taken and richly paid for. The dark and solid houses were +less solid than that something I knew to be within myself, that makes +and unmakes houses and streets and towns and lands.... But gently, +gently; I was not out of the mire yet; by-and-by would be time enough +for these boastings; things must go on as they were for a little while +longer. + +So though I did not speak a word to her that night that bore directly on +the case as Kitty understood it, I did more. I did--I know this +now--make her feel that, glooms and delights apart, she had in me an +affectionate friend to whom she would not come with troubles in vain. I +have been told, and am inclined to believe it, that I have this power +with women. + +And her eyes were soft with friendship as I left her. + +"Good night, Jeff," she said fondly, as I took her hand. "I do like +being with you sometimes." + +And that night, as I lay half suffocated in the room I did not even pay +rent for, the words rang like a chime in my head until the morning +noises marked the beginning of another torrid day. + + * * * * * + +The commissionaire's job I spoke of I got in an odd way. I got it +through the combination of my unusual size with unusual strength. I was +walking along Fleet Street that day when a horse fell, and I, with +others, helped to raise it again. When we had finished, a man at my +elbow spoke both casually and penetratingly. + +"That was as good as anything I've seen for weeks," he said. "Have you +had much practice in holding a whole horse up while the others fasten +the buckles?" + +I laughed. I had certainly had the heavy end of the job, but "Not quite +that," I said. + +He gave me a scrutinising look. "Out o' work?" it seemed to say; but he +did not speak the words. + +"Here, come and have a drink," he said. + +His name was Pettinger. He was a sporting journalist, and so a judge of +"form" and "condition." I was not in the best of either, but I must have +struck him as having "the makings" of I don't quite know what. He gave +me a drink, which I didn't want, and a plate of sandwiches, which I did +want rather badly; and he also gave me, as I say, this commissionaire's +job. Pettinger is a friend of mine to this day; and since he is a simple +and lovable animal of a fellow (he fully concurs in this description of +himself) he is the only man I can bear to speak much to about that time +when, clad in a sky-blue uniform, I kept the door of his newspaper +office, touching my cap to proprietors, and being jocularly prodded by +sportsmen and journalists, as if I had been an ox at Smithfield Show. + + +II + +It was about this time that Archie Merridew's light was once more +beginning to show regularly, evening after evening, over the leads of +his top floor near the Foundling Hospital. This was after a period of +months during which his abode had been in complete darkness. But as his +visits to the college had become infrequent, and as I did not know what +he might be up to, I had kept away. + +When, some little after my commission from Kitty, I did look him up +again, it was by no means that I might deliver Kitty's message. I went, +rather, as a matter of attention to detail. There were certain things I +could not afford not to know, and, more important, there were certain +appearances I could not afford not to keep up. Nevertheless I did not +dream with what consequences my visit of that evening would presently be +fraught. + +I was in a state of great nervous irritability before I went. The +weather still continued almost insupportably hot, and to my other +discomforts had been added a new perturbation that worked on me none the +less that in all probability it was quite groundless. The evening papers +had started a scare about "low-flash oil"; my red and green room was +little cooler than a furnace; and I had lately begun to glance at my +cheap lamp from time to time as if it had been a bomb. I mention this +merely as an indication of the state to which I was becoming reduced. I +thought of that lamp, I remember, as I walked from the college to +Archie's rooms that night and half hoped in my peevishness that the +thing had exploded in my absence. + +It was only ten o'clock, but Archie was already in bed. He wore blue +silk pyjamas and on a small table by the side of his bed stood a +medicine bottle and a siphon; but when I asked him whether he was ill +that he had need of these last he made light of them. It was this +beastly weather, he said, and perhaps the beastly weather also accounted +for his drinking the milk that Jane presently brought up in a sealed +bottle. When Jane had gone, Archie, with an attempt at his old disarming +impertinence, turned to me and said, "Well--how's the blue uniform, +Jeff?" + +Ah! He knew of that! + +"Didn't think I'd heard, did you?" he grinned. "Well, I only did hear +yesterday. Nothing to be ashamed of, old chap. I know one of your +fellows, you know----" + +I too knew the sub-editor whose name he mentioned. He was something of a +bird of the night too. Already the fact that Archie knew of my +occupation had set me swiftly revolving the new dispositions I should +certainly have to make in my relation to Kitty and Evie. + +"Ah, yes," I said. "I shouldn't attempt to drink with the sub-editor of +a sporting paper if I were you. You've been trying, I expect," I added, +looking suspiciously at him. He seemed drawn and ill. He never had any +stamina. + +"Sha'n't tell tales out of school," he replied, with another weak +attempt at his old facetiousness. "Well, how's the fair Kitty?" + +Ill as he was, I could have boxed his ears for the tone of it, but I +answered his question, and he grinned again. + +"Rare good sort," he said appreciatively. "Give us a splash of that +soda, and pass those cigarettes, Jeff...." Then, lighting a cigarette, +"Look here, you old scoundrel," he said, "I've got a crow to pluck with +you! Guess what it is?" + +I could not. + +"Well," he leered. "I saw Mackie the other night." + +You will remember what had happened the last time I myself had seen +Mackie. + +"So there!" he triumphed, after some recital or other that had for its +point my single fit of intoxication. "_Now_ what about it, you old +humbug?" he demanded. + +I knew I must keep my face and smile. I did not know why I must do these +things, but I did them, looking at him and noticing again how sallow and +changed he was. Then I looked about the room, mentally commenting on the +evidences of the patrimony that had done him so little good--his new +dressing-gown, his silver-topped bottles, and a new travelling-case, +these things thrown anyhow among his older belongings. One of the newer +objects I held in my hand; it was the gold cigarette case I had passed +him; and I gazed smiling at it as he went on. + +"Yes," he told me, with humorous accusation; "Mackie told me all about +it--ha ha ha! What price the old puritan Jeff now? Eh? Sad dog, sad +dog!" + +I replied, quite calmly, that the dissipations of commissionaires were +limited by their circumstances. + +"And what the devil are you doing being a commissionaire?" he demanded. +"I'll tell you what it was, Jeff," he continued familiarly, "that +failure in Method seems to me to have broken you all up. What the +dickens made you fail?" + +I was conscious of an interior stirring of hate. What, indeed, had made +me fail! + +"Oh, over-confidence, I suppose," I answered lightly. + +And he continued to talk. + +At last I rose and said good-night. He raised himself on one elbow in +order to shake hands. + +"Come in again and see a chap soon," he said. "It's hellish slow up here +all alone." + +I was already at the door, but I turned abruptly. + +"What do you mean?" I said. "Do you mean you're laid up? You said you +weren't." + +But he only gave a confused little laugh. "Eh? Laid up? Of course not! +Can't a chap turn in early once in a while?" + +"'Once in a while'?... But you said----" + +"That you might come in and see me? Well, do. No harm in that, is there? +Say I'm going slow for a bit, that's all," he added. + +I agreed with him that to "go slow" for a bit was a course he might with +advantage have adopted some time ago, and, though considerably puzzled, +I turned slowly away. + +My lamp, I discovered when I reached my dwelling again, had not exploded +in my absence; but I did not light it. This was not, of course, through +any actual fear; it was merely part of my general nervous condition. I +remember, as still further explaining that condition, that I had passed +a Board School that day as the children had poured out for their morning +recess of a quarter of an hour; I have said how more than commonly +strident the heat seemed to make all noises; and at the sudden outburst +of the children I had broken into a copious flood of perspiration. I was +not much steadier now. Pushing the lamp aside I flung up my window as +high as it would go, drew out my old string-mended chair, and, sitting +down, began to stare at the "_Sarcey's Fluid_" advertisement across the +way. + +The rippling of its incandescents had a trick that always fascinated and +irritated me intensely. Before the last letter of the first word was an +apostrophe, but its single bright spot always appeared out of its proper +order. S--A--R--, and so on, the thing ran, but the whole legend was +complete before that apostrophe started into its place. I used sometimes +to watch as if I hoped the whole mechanism might suddenly alter, but, of +course, it never did. I began to watch it again that night, while my +ceiling and the wall above my bed became red and green, red and green, +red and green.... + +I am afraid that what I am now about to say I shall have to ask you to +take on trust. I have no evidence to offer of a phenomenon that, I am +told, is shared by madness and genius alike. Nor will I trouble you +either with any talk of prevision or of inner certitude, nor with the +gradually deepening brooding that led up to this phenomenon--the +brooding over the countless slights and slurs and rubs I had suffered +from Archie Merridew's reckless and ignorant tongue ever since I have +known him--my appearance, my private affairs, the side-splitting joke of +Jeffries being in love. I will pass straight to the sudden and complete +illumination that, as I sat there, so irradiated my intelligence that I +wondered why it had come to me now, an hour later, and not then, the +moment I had seen him lying at that extraordinarily early hour in bed. + +It came, this flash of illumination, in exactly the same manner as the +changing of the electrograph before my eyes--and, as you will see in a +moment, with the same bloody apostrophe. And with its coming my room was +not more suffused with the crimson glare than my mind suddenly was with +the same morbid and flaming and dangerous hue. + +_I had suddenly realised what was really the matter with Archie._ + +Let me now tell you the kind of man I have sometimes, though possibly +mistakenly, supposed myself to be. + +He has aspired, that man, I have sometimes supposed myself to be, to the +stars; but his feet have also known the burning bottom of the pit. His +heart has been lifted up until sometimes, through eyes drowned with +tears, he has had his poor and fragmentary glimpse of a larger +Fatherhood than earth knows; but he has also exchanged intelligence +with the devil. His heart has flowered with loves and charities; but +that same heart has also been a rock with a toad in it. He was born in +heaven, but has lodged in hell. So in him, according as he has been +used, have opposites met. + +And yet, as I say, I may be wrong in supposing that I am this man. + +Yet the man who, in my red and green room that night, leaped up from his +chair, and with a bursting, ringing cry shook his hand on high, was not +the James Herbert Jeffries who now writes this feverish shorthand. He +who writes the shorthand was not the same James Herbert Jeffries who +stood, with those violent dyes flooding his face, vowing that if that +sick young buyer of infected merchandise dreamed for one instant of +doing that which it was sought to make him do, and which apparently he +was ready to do, he should pay for it with the last thing he had to +give. That James Herbert Jeffries was plunged in that hour into a place +of stench and infernal brightness that God forbid was ever his destined +abode. + +I cried aloud, shaking my fist up at my cracked and blackened ceiling: + +"_Though Christ died for man in vain ... let him but think of it ... let +him ... let him ... and I...._" + +After that I passed into a curious state of mind. You have heard how I +make, when I can, anger serviceable to me, but here was an anger past my +bringing into control. Yet, as ordinarily I plan calmly, so was I calm +up to a certain point now. The result of these two things was that my +brain worked like a worn and cranky machine, sometimes doing more than +it ought, sometimes less; sometimes jerking startlingly ahead, sometimes +refusing to work at all. And as there was thus no continuity in my +thought, and as my recollections are curiously associated with that +changing red and green that now for the first time seems to me to have +run through my story like a fateful burden of jealousy and blood, I will +set down such isolated reflections as rise of themselves out of the +jumble of my mind. + + * * * * * + +_Crime_ (I realise that the word leaps with some suddenness into these +pages) has suffered more at the hands of criminals than it has at the +hands of justice. There are few perfect crimes. Most of them are +accidental, the mere explosion of momentary passion. And that is well, +for the world wants few masterpieces in that sort. I have not read De +Quincey's essay on the subject, nor ever shall now; but if crime is to +be considered as an artistic medium, it is the only medium in which +bungling is better worth to the world than competence. Other arts one +prefers to see superlatively practised or not at all; but it is only of +the bungled crime that man can endure to think. + + * * * * * + +The ordinary criminal begins at the wrong end. Dull fellow that he is he +does not recognise that his first task must be the creation of an +attitude of mind. Or if a glimmering of this does cross his inflamed +consciousness, he thinks that it is the attitude of his own mind that is +of the first consequence. That is why he suffers either the retribution +of justice or the visitings of his own conscience. In either of these +cases his act is unsuccessfully committed. He pays in common with his +victim. + + * * * * * + +It is not the injured man who knows the full quality of hate. It is the +one who injures. The injurer has no refuge from his own transgression; +he has him whom he has injured constantly upon his mind--perhaps upon +his soul. Another is the lord of his peace of mind. Thus it is +peculiarly the wronged man's part to pardon, but when the wronged man +would not pardon, but would avenge for another's sake? + + * * * * * + +Could Archie be given a mind more sensitive than a stone? Could his weak +and spongy nature be hardened to a point of view? Could such an +attitude be created in him that what otherwise would have been an +assault would take on the stern justice of a punishment? Can any dull or +egotistical mind be either punished or rewarded? Ultimately, can the God +who created it do anything save quench it again? Wickedness may be +vanquished at the last, but Ignorance----? And Conceit----? + + * * * * * + +But bah! Probably he was not even thinking of it. Perhaps he was even +now seeking a way out. Well, I would help him. Ten words to him in +private.... Faugh! + +So _that_ was it.... And the world allows it! Could he be proved to be +merely insane at the time of his marriage the world would not allow it; +a mental insufficiency beyond his control would be a bar; but this +other, that he had deliberately sought, would be allowed. And Evie.... + + * * * * * + +That bloody apostrophe again!... + + * * * * * + +The criminal forgets too much in the moment of action. It is a sort of +stage fright. Rehearsed perfectly, however.... Not that the thing is not +admittedly difficult. A button, a fingerprint, a drop of blood, the +resources of the laboratory, the microscope, the spectroscope--oh yes, +it cannot be said that there is not a deal to watch. And a memory, a +chance association years afterwards, an attack of debility rendering the +eyes subject to deceits--any one of these things may at any moment throw +him into the hands of the law as a fate more merciful than that which he +has not been clever enough to forestall within himself. Yes, there is +much to consider; but then, as all the world knows, masterpieces of +crime or what not, are difficult of accomplishment. + +Ten words, then, on the morrow, and he would never dare.... + + * * * * * + +But bah! I was not even sure! He _could_ not be contemplating it, and I +was vile to think it.... Still, prudence. I must make sure. Till then, +nothing--not even these thoughts that ticked as if out of a tape-machine +from my brain. To-morrow.... + + * * * * * + +Yet, ah! I was sure for all that! + + * * * * * + +This red and green, this red and green! + + * * * * * + +These are such fragments of it all as I can remember. I don't know how +long they occupied me. I had begun to trace with my fingers little +patterns on the deal top of my table, patterns that sometimes had a +meaning for me, sometimes not, but that always had a meaning for Archie +Merridew if he thought ... if he as much as thought.... + +Then the red and green advertisement was switched off suddenly. Only a +rhomb of dim gaslight on my ceiling remained.... + +But I still sat in the darkness, my brain taking those backward and +forward jerks, and my lips muttering, though without sound, that if he +dreamed ... if he as much as dreamed.... + + +III + +It was a "record" even for myself to get the sack twice in one week, but +that now befell me. They gave me no notice at the newspaper office, but +they were decent, and I had a fortnight's wages in lieu of it. Pettinger +especially showed himself my friend. + +"It's rough on you," he said, "but I really don't see that anybody's to +blame.... Look here, I'll tell you what we'll do. Go down to my place at +Bedford; I'll telephone them you're coming; and you can do what there is +to do in my garden for a week or two until something turns up. You won't +mind working under the old chap I've got there? Right. Off you go. +You've got your money, haven't you?" + +"I shall have to come up for Friday evening; I've a class," I said. + +"Well, have a change till then. You look as if you need it. Catch the +twelve-fifty, and I'll telephone them now." + +So I took off my sky-blue uniform and wondered, as I folded it neatly +and laid it aside, where they were going to find the next man it would +fit. + +This was at half-past ten in the morning, so that I had some hours to +spare. Ten minutes, if I could catch him, would suffice for all I had to +say to Archie Merridew, and, as he was not an early riser, and had told +me that he was not spending his days in bed, I hoped to find him before +he went out. But as the Business College lay on the way I determined to +call there first. I walked up Chancery Lane into Holborn. + +But he had not arrived at the college when I got there, and I did not +wait for him. I had walked home with him often enough to know his +unvarying route, and I set off for his place half expecting to meet him +on the way. But I did not meet him, so I knocked at the brass knocker of +his ivy-green door. + +Jane told me he had only that moment gone out. + +"To the college?" I asked. + +Jane thought so, but was not sure. + +"If I don't see him I'll call again," I said. "Tell him, will you?" + +I returned to the Business College, and there waited, talking to Kitty, +who had just arrived. + +Kitty seemed extremely embarrassed that morning, and of course I guessed +the reason. She had heard of the sky-blue uniform, doubtless through +Archie. (For two nights I had not seen her.) I was none the less sure of +this that she did not mention the circumstance directly; nor did she +comment on my being at liberty at that unusual hour of the morning. +Presently she said: + +"I don't think he'll come this morning now. He may this afternoon." + +"I can't wait till the afternoon," I said, glancing at the little clock +on the mantelpiece of the type-writing-room--the little clock that had +given the "Ting" that had startled me so on the day of the examination +in Method. + +"Is it anything I can tell him?" + +That, of course, was quite out of the question. "I'll see if he's back +home yet," I replied. + +Then Kitty's uneasiness and curiosity got the better of her delicacy +about the sky-blue uniform. She looked fixedly at her thin wrists and +her fingers gave little touches to the lace about them as she spoke. + +"Jeff," she said timorously, "I don't know whether you know what--what +they're saying about you--I'm sure it's a hideous lie, but--but it's +upset me frightfully----" She stopped abruptly, and seemed even then to +wish she had not spoken. + +"You seem very easily upset nowadays," I said shortly, quite ready to +quarrel if needs be. + +But she ignored my tone. "You know they're saying--everybody's +saying--all the people here, I mean." + +"What?" I demanded. + +But her courage failed her. She stopped the fiddling at her wrists, +and, giving me a long look said, "You know I love you, Jeff, whatever +happens----" + +It was what I had begun to fear--that there would be no shaking her off. +She was far, far too faithful. + +"I see," I said slowly. "I know what you mean.... Well, it was quite +true. I _was_ a commissionaire--until an hour ago. They've sacked me.... +I suppose Archie told you?" + +"Girl-faced little wretch! But, Jeff----" + +I took her up. "Well, it's that that I want to see him about. But as +regards you and me--if you want it to make a difference----" + +It was a plain offer to release her, but I don't think she understood it +as that. Indeed, her manner puzzled me entirely. It was eager, +shrinking, wistful and apprehensive all at once, and she appeared to be +trying to shake off something--something preposterous. Well, that +sky-blue uniform had been preposterous enough. + +"It shall make a difference--if you wish," I offered again proudly. + +"No," she murmured, apparently understanding this time, and busy with +her lace again. + +Then I entered into I know not what fantastic explanation of the curious +fact that a man with the world in his grasp should have chosen to touch +his cap to editors and proprietors. She tried to look as if she +believed me, but it was plain that she didn't in the least. Once or +twice she tried to interrupt me, but my patience was quickly running +out. + +"So you see how it was," I said at last, dropping my voice as Weston, +the secretary-bird passed. "It was no business of his, and I want to +know what he's got to say about it. You can tell him so if you like." + +Again that inexplicable look of timorousness came into her small eyes. + +"You _mean_ the commissionaire's job, of course?" she said. + +"I mean the commissionaire's job," I replied. + +That, I thought with satisfaction, would cover my real reason for +wishing to see Archie as well as anything else. + +Weston passed again, and gave me a look. That look struck me. It was +just such a look as a policeman might give a loiterer whom he suspects, +yet against whom he has no charge; and I felt my colour mount a little. +That tattling little animal! Little he cared, as long as he had his +joke, that my five shillings was put in jeopardy. For a business college +that styles itself advertisement writer "professor" naturally doesn't +want commissionaires on its staff, and I saw my second dismissal looming +ahead. + +Then, with a new and cautious idea in my head, I turned to Kitty again. + +"On second thoughts," I said, "_don't_ say anything to Archie about my +wanting an explanation. I'll settle with him. After all, it was bound to +come sooner or later. It doesn't much matter. I'll see to it.... Well, +I'm off. Good-bye, dear. I don't think I shall be able to see you again +till Friday." + +And I left her, nodded to Weston, and passed out. + +I daresay you guess what my new and cautious idea was. I had something +of the last privacy to say to Archie; it was just as well that I should +have the cloak of comparatively trivial personal remonstrance to cover +it; but this was only part of it. The truth was that my brain had +suddenly taken another of those startling leaps forward. In some +conceivable last event (I was not planning one, you understand; it was +merely that my mind was working somewhere ahead, independently and +beyond my control) it might be necessary that I should have _no_ +personal quarrel with him. In such an event none must suppose that our +relation had been other than amicable. Yet I should be overdoing this +(purely anticipatory) prudence to pass over the episode of the sky-blue +uniform entirely. The thing was, or might become, a matter of nicely +measured proportions. Already I was making the slight private affront +serve my turn; presently I might want to make the pardon of that affront +serve my turn also. This kind of thing is what I mean by the creation +of an attitude of mind and "attention to detail." + +I made one more attempt to find Archie as I walked to St Pancras, but he +was still not at home. Then I had to run for my train. + +I worked in Pettinger's garden that week, carrying water, wheeling +barrows, and filling baskets with fruit as I passed between the canes. +Pettinger was away for two nights, but on the third evening he came up +to me as I was pushing a heavy roller over the lawn and began to talk. I +think he began for the sake of a pleasant word or two, but something I +said seemed to engage his interest, an hour or more passed, and then, as +the phlox and canterbury bells began to glimmer in the twilight, he +suddenly said, "Leave this and come inside--we can talk comfortably +there." + +We went in. I shall never forget that night. It was made memorable by +the fact that master and gardener talked till two o'clock in the +morning. + +"Well, Jeffries," he said at last, with a sleepy yawn, "you're an +extraordinary chap. I'm afraid you've made rather a lot of work for me +this last hour or two." + +"How so?" I asked. + +"Well, I was going to try to get you a job something like your last, but +you're a difficult man to find a job for. I won't ask you whether you +know you're extraordinary; of course you know you are; and I'm going, +if I can, to give you a chance--a real chance--not like that +other--those cut-throats--what's their name." + +I had told him about Rixon Tebb & Masters' and the rest of it. + +"I've a bit of a pull here and there," he went on sleepily. "There's the +'Freight and Ballast Company'--I know a couple of their men--but we'll +talk about that in the morning. I'm off to bed. Hope they've made you +comfortable?" + +It does not come within the scope of my present tale to speak of my +later rapid rise; but I may say now that I owed my chance to Pettinger +and to the berth he got me, with the coming of winter, in the offices of +the "F. B. C." + +I remained in his house all that week; then, on the Friday evening, I +took a return ticket to town in order to attend my class. + +I had not been half-an-hour in the college that evening before I was +aware that something had happened. Archie Merridew was not there, but +Evie was, and so was Kitty Windus. I went through my work as usual, and +then, at half-past nine, sought Kitty. It was she who told me the news. + +"You've not heard, have you?" she asked, with a glance towards the +senior students' room, through which Evie had just passed. Again she +was, in some manner I could not understand, eager, reserved, +apprehensive and fidgety all at once. + +"Heard what?" I asked. + +"About Evie. It's come off. She and Archie are properly engaged." + +From that moment dated a division of me into two separate men, of which +I shall have more to say presently. + +"Oh?" I replied, with complete calm. "That's good news indeed! Wait here +a minute--I'll speak to her--don't go, for I want to see you." + +I met Evie returning with her towel and celluloid box of soap. She too +was excited, so excited that she would have passed me, but I thought I +understood that. I stopped her. + +"Well, Evie?" I said, smiling. + +She waited, painfully full, I couldn't help thinking, of emotion. + +"It was you who congratulated me before," I said. "It's my turn now, I +hear." + +She looked at me and away again, and again at me and away. + +"Thank you, Mr Jeffries," she said, beginning to make little pointings +of her foot this way and that on the floor. + +I spoke very gently. "Jeff--or Mr Jeffries if you prefer it--wishes you +nothing but happiness, Evie," I said. + +"Oh, thank you," she said, with increasing perturbation, "thank you +very much indeed--thank you really--Jeff." + +It was odd in the extreme. She gave me the reluctant "Jeff," and somehow +I wished she hadn't, it came with such difficulty. Something, I was +convinced, lay behind it. I did not expect her in the circumstances to +be quite collected, but her manner was--I don't know how else to +describe it--almost that of a child who has pleaded with authority for +permission to bestow one final charity on an undesirable associate.... +What! I thought, she also ashamed to know a commissionaire! + +"When are you going to be married?" I asked, after an awkward pause. + +"Quite soon," she replied, equally awkward. "As soon as I can get my +things ready." She stopped. + +"I suppose Archie's coming here for you--to-night, I mean?" + +"No--he's got a man to see--a friend--in Store Street, I think." + +"Then may I walk along with you?" + +She seemed to have feared the question. "Oh," she said quickly, "if you +don't mind--I've something awfully private to say to Kitty--she and I +have arranged to go on together." + +("Not wanted," I said to myself.) Aloud, "Well, I hope you'll be happy, +Evie," I added. + +"Thank you," she said again, lifting curiously appealing eyes for a +moment. + +I turned abruptly from her, and sought Kitty, who was still waiting. I +had picked up a sudden suspicion, and wished to confirm it. + +"Ready?" I said, in a tone as matter of fact as I could assume. + +Again she began to flutter. I couldn't understand what had come over the +whole college. + +"I'm sorry, Jeff," she began, with rapid effusiveness. "If I'd only +known you wanted--but I've got to go somewhere." + +I knew that, Evie had just told me. + +"Woburn Place, you mean?" + +"No, dear--somewhere else--quite different." + +"Really?" I said, incredulously smiling and frowning both at once. + +"Of course! How funny you are!" + +I looked searchingly down into her eyes. + +"I think _you're_ funny," I said slowly. + +"You really must excuse me, Jeff--if you'd only let me know." + +But I had had enough of this. Gently but irresistibly I took her arm. + +"Come along, Kitty," I said quietly. "I particularly want to talk to +you." + +She quailed, but still hung back. + +"Very well," I said. "Will you tell me where you're going?" + +She was obstinately silent. + +"You're going with Evie, of course?" + +I knew by the little rush with which she spoke that she was telling the +truth and was relieved to be able to do so. "Oh no!" she said. "I'm +going quite alone, quite alone--honour, Jeff!" + +"Evie's not going with you--to Store Street or wherever it is?" + +She stiffened. "I don't know what you mean by Store Street, and I think +you've got Evie on the brain," she said. + +What the devil ailed them all? + +And why had Evie said she was going with Kitty? + +As abruptly as I turned away from the one I now turned away from the +other. + +The next moment: "Er--'Jeffries!" I Heard. + +It was Weston with my five shillings. I turned. + +"Oh, Jeffries! I'm sorry to say--glad in one sense of course--that +Professor Hitchcock will be taking the class again next Friday. The +college wishes--wishes to thank you for stopping the gap as you have +done. It's been most obliging of you." + +I said something--I was glad Hitchcock was better, I said. + +"Yes--er--he's quite well again now--quite on his feet again," said the +secretary-bird. "And--er--Jeffries--I'm exceedingly sorry, but I've a +rather unpleasant duty to perform." + +I was utterly mystified. "What is it now?" I demanded almost roughly. + +"It's that the Board is of opinion--has come to the conclusion--that +consisting as we do of younger students than yourself--it would be of +advantage--perhaps of advantage to you too if--if----" + +I helped him out. "If I don't come again?" + +"I wished to break it gently to you--but that _is_ the substance of it," +he stammered. + +Curious.... + +"Thank you, Weston," I said. "I quite understand. Will you please tell +them that I didn't ask for any explanation?" + +Exceedingly curious.... + +"Yes, yes, yes," he murmured sympathetically. + +"Now," I said to myself some minutes later, as I descended the stairs, +"it only requires Miss Angela to turn me down." + +I walked to Woburn Place, and there asked a Swiss boy if I might see +Miss Angela. Archie's friend Mr Shoto passed me as I waited in the hall, +but I did not speak to him. After some minutes the Swiss boy returned. +His answer was what I expected. Miss Soames had a nervous headache, and +asked to be excused from seeing me. + +And all, I thought with amazement as I turned away, because for a week +or two I had worn a sky-blue uniform! + + +IV + +That division of me into two men that I have said dated from the time +when Kitty told me of Evie's engagement to Archie Merridew was, in a +sense, no new thing. I had felt it in some measure before, when I had +deliberately avoided Archie that I might give my anger its head and had +smiled in his face again when the fit had worked itself out. I had +striven, too, to stand between him and the black rages he and my general +circumstances had provoked. + +But no sooner had the words, that Evie was now definitely engaged, come +from Kitty's lips than I knew this division to be complete and +irrevocable. Even did he withdraw in time he had still contemplated it; +and in my soul I did not now believe he would withdraw. "The Devil was +sick, the Devil a Saint would be." And I knew at last who his friend in +Store Street was. A name, seen on a medicine bottle in his room, had +leaped into my memory. His "friend" was some obscure practitioner of a +doctor. + +So I now became as the Giant in the story, who was so exquisitely cloven +from head to middle by the magic blade that he did not feel the wound +that was his death. "Cut, then!" he laughed. "Shake yourself," he was +told. And he fell in twain. + +A shake, and I too should fall in twain. + +I will now tell you how I got that shake. + +Thinking over my sudden ostracism in Pettinger's house that night I only +became more and more mystified. That the Business College should no +longer require me I could understand--for snobbery plays a terrible part +in business. That Kitty had reproached me for my lack of trust in her +about my commissionaire's post was also easily to be accounted for. Miss +Angela might in truth have had a headache and have begged to be excused +from receiving me. But that Evie should turn against me was +inexplicable. It contradicted every tradition of her upbringing. My +being forced into a humble, but not ignoble, occupation could never have +made this difference in her. If anything in the whole business could be +taken as a certainty, that could. And so the more I thought about it the +more sure I became that, though I myself might conceal my real reason +for wishing to see Archie Merridew by giving out that I merely wanted to +remonstrate with him about his chattering, others were using that very +giving-out as a screen for something I was in total ignorance of. +Kitty's timorousness returned to me; I believed now that she had +actually been trying to tell me something else, whatever it was; and so +I tossed and turned on my pillow, vainly racking my brain. + +I finally decided to have it out with both Kitty and Archie on the +morrow. + +I went up to town the next morning, and walked straight to the Business +College. I did not wish, after what I had been told the night before, to +go up, so I found an office boy on one of the lower floors and sent him +up with word that somebody would like to see Miss Windus. Then I waited, +just inside the Holburn entrance. + +In a few minutes she came down, hatted and gloved. Her face looked old; +her eyes were dull, and almost closed--with weeping, I was instantly +sure; and she touched my sleeve almost as if she feared I might shake +her hand off again. + +"I thought it would be you," she said, in a dull voice. "Let's have a +walk. I've something to say." + +We walked without speaking along Holborn, and presently turned into the +little courtyard of Staple's Inn. We sat down on the bench that +surrounds the tree in the middle. + +She had broken into speech almost before we sat down. It was as if she +feared that if she did not get it out at once she would not speak at +all. She was intensely agitated. + +"Jeff," she said, "I've wronged you--cruelly and basely." + +I did not smile at the melodramatic little phrase. I had not the ghost +of an idea what she meant, but that something was impending I was +already aware. + +"I saw you didn't know last night," she went on. "This morning?" + +It was a question. "I'm no wiser this morning," I said. + +"You asked me where I was going last night." + +"I did." + +"Can you guess why when--when I tell you it was to Louie Causton's?" + +I shook my head. + +"Even then I cannot guess." + +Then she began to tremble. She grasped the edge of the seat with her +hand so that I should not see how she shook. + +"Jeff," she said, in a low voice, "if you never want to see me again--I +can't blame you if you don't--not after this." + +I waited. + +"Not that I shouldn't always, always love you. It will be my +punishment--I shall have to bear it." + +Still I waited. + +"Yesterday it was you who offered it--now it's me--it will serve me +right." + +I thought she would never go on. "You mean our engagement, of course?" I +said. + +"Yes," she gulped. + +"Why?" I asked suddenly. + +"Because--because of what I've been beast enough to believe of you, +Jeff." + +"And that is----" + +As I again waited for her to speak I looked round the courtyard. A clerk +was at work in a first-floor window, and he caught my eye and looked +away again. In another window an office boy stood with a pen in his +mouth, turning the pages of a ledger. Then, after a while, and very +disjointedly, Kitty went on: + +"They said you said it yourself, and I--at first I didn't--but then I +believed it. I know I was beastly about it once before--then we +quarrelled--but I didn't mean what I said then--believe me, I didn't.... +And," she went on, "I didn't know who--who--it was.... She never told +me--you know what I mean.... I hate myself--now. I suppose I'm +jealous--the green-eyed monster, Jeff--but they did say it--said you'd +as much as said so yourself--and----" + +I was beginning to get impatient with her rambling. + +I said "And what?" but I don't think she heard me. + +"So that's why I went to Louie herself--to ask her--right out----" + +All at once I felt it coming. + +"Well?" + +But suddenly she buried her face in her hands, and her thin shoulders +shook. Again I saw the clerk watching.... + +"Oh!" she moaned. "Can you ever, _ever_ forgive me?" + +"For----" + +"For ever thinking that you and Louie--that you and Louie----" + +She lifted her piteous eyes to mine. + + * * * * * + +I think it was then that the Giant shook himself and fell in twain. He +has been more or less roughly cobbled together since, and the halves rub +on somehow side by side, but to this day the one man in me faints for +the great sweet things of Life, while the other has the devil ever at +his elbow. + + * * * * * + +The whole courtyard had swung round; I actually seemed, with my physical +eye, to see it for some moments out of the vertical. Then it righted +again, and the whole mystery of the previous evening dissolved in light. + +"You and Louie--you and Louie----" + +Yet again the courtyard seemed to lean and slide sideways for a moment; +then I flung a blazing searchlight back across my memory. + +Louie Causton's super-subtle mask. "So long since I saw a man, my +dear--the Baboon?--oh, I should know which way to turn _then_!" + +My half-admissions to Archie when he had tried with such persistency to +get out of me who it was I was in love with. + +Her failure to return to the college, that alone had thrown me into +Kitty's arms rather than into her own. + +That something, God knows what, that I might have said to Mackie when, +after having eaten nothing, I had drunk with him. + +Kitty's own desperate possessiveness and jealousy. + +All these things fell into place as the coloured granules fall when the +kaleidoscope is given a turn. I had been accused of being Miss Causton's +lover! + +As I remain that divided Giant henceforward until the end of my tale, I +will divide my name also, and tell you of a colloquy that began within +me between these two men--the honest, human, enraged Jeffries, and that +other, whom I will call James Herbert, at whose elbow stood the devil. + +"Ah!" choked Jeffries, flaming red. + +"Quietly, quietly!" whispered his interlocutor. + +"That's Merridew again!" choked the other. + +"Quietly--keep your face--there's a clerk in that window watching you!" + +"The whole world may see me--let me go and find him!" It was as if this +Jeffries struggled to break away there and then. + +"No, no--sit still--leave it to me, and keep your face before this +weeping woman--_I_ was born where they understand these things!" + +And after a hellish minute--the voice of that one prevailed. + +I turned to Kitty. + +"Good gracious!" I remember I said, with an air almost of amused +incredulity. "Why, who on earth told you that ridiculous tale?" + +The one who came from the place where they understand these things was +right. Kitty looked up. At first she seemed unable to believe her +ears--unable to believe that I could treat the monstrous thing with +amused disdain. Then, as she slowly realised, her face shone. She gave a +quick glad cry. + +"Jeff!" + +"What, dear?" I said, smiling. + +She choked. "Oh ... my good, big man!" + +("Laugh now," the wicked one prompted; and I laughed.) + +"Good heavens, what a tale!... Who told you? Archie? Just you see if I +don't tweak that young man's ears!" + +In her infinite relief the poor woman broke down utterly. She shook with +the mingled gratitude and humiliation of my pardon. + +"Louie Causton!" I scoffed. "You actually asked her that? Why, how she +must have laughed!" + +"Oh--you're wonderful, Jeff!" Kitty adored me. + +"Oh," I replied, quickly recollecting myself, "don't think I'm not +angry! I'll give that young man a jacket-dusting! He shall have a +wedding present from me he'll remember, I promise you! Why, of all the +mean tricks!..." + +I went on. Presently Kitty had found me so wonderful that once more she +could even toy a little with a peril. + +"Louie wouldn't tell me ... who ... she said she'd die first...." she +half sobbed by-and-by. + +I looked into her little puffed eyes. "Then," I said, smiling, "you've +only the word of a not very trustworthy woman for it that after all ... +eh?" + +A saint could hardly have cheapened the worshipping look she gave me. + +"So," I resumed presently, "that was what ailed you all last night, when +I was thinking all the time it was my uniform?" + +"Yes--I tried hard to tell you, Jeff----" + +"And does Archie really believe this tale himself, or is it just one of +his little pleasantries?" + +She didn't know. + +"Is he at the college this morning?" + +"Yes." + +"Good. Will you send him down to me if I walk back with you? I think we +won't lose any time over this." + +"And you'll give him a really severe talking-to?" she asked eagerly. + +"I will," I promised. "Come----" + +Twenty minutes later I was again in the doorway of the Business College, +waiting for Archie to descend. + +And as I waited I reflected how well-nigh irrevocably I had tied myself +up with Kitty now. I think that up to then she would have stuck to me +even had this of Miss Causton been true; but now she would never, never +let me go. Perhaps I may here mention the plan I had at first had for +getting rid of her when I should require her no longer. I had based that +plan on the fascination the "compromising situation" of her favourite +novels always had for her. I never knew anyone so self-conscious about +her defencelessness, and I had worked it out that I had only to propose +my own chamber for an assignation and she would conceive herself to be +looking into the bright face of danger indeed. All peril and all romance +would lie for her in her setting foot on the lowest of my stairs.... +And doubtless one glance at that naked room of mine (I had pawned even +my oil-stove) would, I had estimated, drive her away in instant and +horrified fright.... I had not been above planning this. + +But now she would never, never leave her big, wonderful man. + +Yes. I had fettered myself fairly completely. + +Holborn was noisy that morning, and between the sound of passing +vehicles and Archie's own light tread I was not aware of his presence +until he spoke. Instantly I saw that he thought he knew why I had come +and had resolved to take one bull at least by the horns. + +"I say, Jeff," he began at once, with embarrassed sincerity--a sincere +desire, that is, to be out of the mess he had landed himself in, +"Kitty's just told me. I know--I know you must be beastly angry with +me--quite right too--I'm awfully sorry and--and ashamed. It was caddish. +But I really didn't mean anything, and--and--and I thought you as much +as said it yourself, you know----" + +I judged it best not to speak just yet. I stood looking at him. + +"You're an awfully good sort," he went on, conciliatingly, "but--but--I +really thought you _were_ a bit sweet on her (that was all I +meant)--that time--you know--before I knew it was really Kitty. I +simply said to Mackie--he watched you too at the party--I admit I was +'on' a bit, and never thought it would end like this----" + +Then I spoke. "You mean you didn't think it would end in my getting the +sack and being cut by everybody I know except yourself and Mackie? How +did you think it would end, then?" + +He jumped eagerly at a chance, ready to promise anything. + +"I'll see that's all right, old boy--and Hitchcock _was_ coming back +anyway, you know--you only had the job while he was away----" + +"Oh!" I said, with a nasty laugh. "And in your opinion that's all?... +What about my character?" I demanded suddenly. "Eh?" + +"I know," he said, with hanging head. "It was rotten of me--but I was +'on'--I really was. And your character's all right, Jeff, with anybody +who knows you--they know what a first-rate sort you are----" + +"Thank you," I said stiffly. "And what about--the partner in my guilt?" + +"Oh, _her_!" the little animal said, as if _she_ could be left quite out +of the question. Then apparently he felt the stirring of returning +rectitude. "Well, Jeff, I have apologised.... I don't see what more I +can do, except of course to see you all right...." + +I noted the birth of the attitude I wished to create. I began to appear +to let him down by gradual degrees. + +Exactly how much of it was appearance you see. I abhorred the little +wretch. And his renewed apologies, promises, explanations!... He had +been "on" he had "simply said" to Mackie; I "should have lost my job +soon in any case"; and "he'd see I was all right!" ... That was all his +sense of a hideous slander! And his almost rebellious "Well, I have +apologised." Good heavens, he would be putting _me_ in the wrong +presently!... Every muscle in my body was straining to be at him. + +But that, I knew, would never, never do. + +Presently I turned once more to him. All this, after all, was not in the +least what I had come to talk to him about. It was only a screen. + +"Very, well," I said at last. "What's done's done. We'll leave that for +the present. Now there's something else I want to say to you. Do you +know what it is?" + +"How should I know?" he said, relieved that the subject was turned. + +"Think...." + +When Kitty had come down to see me an hour before she had done so in her +hat and coat. She had had her confession to make, and had, I fancied, +done me even in her attire the courtesy of hinting humbly that she was +entirely at my disposal. But Archie evidently thought that our +difference could be arranged in a five minutes' talk sandwiched in +between two lessons. He had not even put his hat on. He stood, a small +fair figure, red-waistcoated, brass-buttoned, hands in his pockets, +leaning against the name-board of the tenants of the various floors of +the building, while I, with one hand against the board, hung over him +like a huge angel of good and evil, bidding him think. + +"Think," I said again. + +He suddenly realised what I meant. I could no more hold his eyes than I +could have held those of a chidden dog. They cringed, evaded, even dared +short defiances. + +"Think," I said once more. + +All at once he said, "I don't know what you mean." + +"Then," I said, "I shall have to tell you." + + * * * * * + +"So," I concluded some minutes later, "do you think you are--doing +right--to marry?" + + * * * * * + +We still stood, he with his back to the name-board, I with my hand +against it, almost enveloping him with my physical presence. And now, no +detail of my arraignment spared, I had at last caught his eye. Even +before he spoke my heart gave a savage leap. Already his soft and spongy +nature had begun to be hardened to that attitude I needed. + +"Oh!" he said.... Then, proudly, "But this is interference." + +"You think," I repeated slowly, "that you have the right to get +married?" + +His very admission was a defiance of me. "I know I've been rather a +rotter," he blustered. + +Once more I repeated monotonously: + +"You still think, after what I've just said, that you have the +right----" + +"I think," he broke out, "that if you looked after your own girl and +left me to look after mine it would be better. I'm frightfully sorry +about the other thing, of course, but--dash it all!----" + +Our long exchange of looks said the rest, and it was not my fault if he +didn't understand what his refusal to heed me would involve. Some people +never understand, and cry afterwards, "You never told me that!" as if +one man had the right to demand of another that he should speak the +uttermost word. I cannot see that there is any such right. For such as +these there is no uttermost word. Elias and the Prophets cannot make +them understand. Though one rose from the dead to tell them they would +not believe. The God who made them as they are cannot make Himself known +to them--He can only destroy them again. They go out into the night in +their ignorance, and for them there is no resurrection in knowledge.... +Therefore if the uttermost word will not enlighten them, why speak it? +Weakness lies in that word. Because it is weak. Art leaves it unspoken, +and the Seer, having spoken it, comes down from Sinai no more. Only by a +withholding from it does man achieve. Making three parts greater than +the whole, he does not put forth to the last. He will not return +bankrupt to heaven. The unuttered utterance is his credential, to be +restored to the Bestower of it. + +Therefore I did not, at that time, tell Archie Merridew that if he +married I should slay him. But all, all else was in my eyes for his +taking. + +Then our gaze severed. + +As I dropped my hand from the wall the devil frisked in me again. I had +warned him, and had my own safety to consider now. Without attention to +detail you can accomplish nothing in this world, and a thing is +bunglingly done when you yourself suffer the consequences of it. +Whatever I might do, I intended to suffer no consequences. + +"Well, Archie," I said, as a man speaks who washes his hands of +something, "I've told you what I think about it. There's no doubt it is, +as you say, an interference, but I think it's justified, and so I'll say +no more.... And now, about that other: I need hardly say that I expect +you to make things all right for me again." + +"I will--I really will, Jeff," he promised at once. + +"You see," I amplified, while the devil in me frisked, "leaving my +reputation out of the question, it's beastly inconvenient. For instance, +I'm badly in need of some shorthand practice, and I certainly don't +intend to go up these stairs again until I'm rehabilitated." + +He leaped at the chance of a reparation that would cost him little. "Oh, +that's easy," he said. "Of course your own place--I mean, why not use +mine, as you used to?" + +"Oh," I objected, "I can't very well use your place when you're not +there." + +"I'm going to be there most of the time now," he replied. "Perhaps you +think I'm off on the skite again, but I'm not." ("The Devil was sick," +thought I again.) "I'm dead off all that now--straight. I do wish you'd +come!" + +"But," I said (while that imp in me positively capered), "you'll be +awfully busy--with other things. I hear you're to be married at +once----" + +"Not too busy for that, old man," he assured me. "Do come!" + +"Well, I'll see," I promised. + +Half-an-hour later I was sitting in the British Museum reading-room with +a stock of books on Medical Jurisprudence before me. Those two spirits +within me were whispering again--plotting, machinating, discussing +common ground of action. I had not yet resolved to take any action; but +I had resolved, and firmly, that if action was to be taken I myself was +not going to be caught unawares. + + +V + +It was true that Archie was busy. His "skite" had cost him a good deal +of money, and he intended to make good some of the loss by economising +on his marriage. With this end in view he had determined that his +honeymoon and his summer holiday should be run into one, and had fixed, +or Evie had fixed for him, a day towards the end of August for his +wedding. He was going to Jersey, for the sake of the breath of the sea +(I fancy that in this he was following Store Street advice); and he +intended on his return to go into rooms until he should have had time to +look round for a house. + +His personal preparations were extensive. Ten porters and carmen a day +called at the house near the Foundling Hospital, delivering purchases, +and his upper floor was heaped up with bags, boxes, drawers taken from +their cases and laid upon the floor, brown paper, cardboard boxes, new +clothing. And one day--I won't set down the date--he lost his latchkey +in the muddle. He did not know that he lost it as a result of my own +close studies in the reading-room of the British Museum. + +"Can't find the blessed thing anywhere!" he grumbled. "I took it off +the bunch to slip into the pocket of my evening waistcoat--you can't +carry a bunch of keys about in your evening clothes--and I can't think +where the devil I put it!... Well, I shall have to ask Jane for +another." + +It was also a consequence of my deeply private studies that about the +same time I had an accident with the hook of his bedroom door. The night +being sultry, I had removed my coat, and hung it on his hook, over one +of his, and, somehow, in going through the pockets of the undermost coat +in search of the key, he had several times twisted the collar-tab by +which my own garment hung. In taking my coat down again a little later I +used some force; I used so much force that I fetched the whole hook +down, leaving a small piece out of the wood of the door, and, Archie, +busy emptying a drawer, remarked that to put it up again would be +something for the next tenant to do. + +"Oh no--better leave the place as you found it," I said. "You go +on--I'll attend to it." + +"Well, I don't know where you're going to find the screw-drivers--with +my latchkey, I suppose," he remarked. + +But I knew where the screw-driver was. I found it, and put the hook up +securely again, a couple of inches below its old place. + +I also carried constantly in my pocket, ready for use at any moment, a +written page of notepaper, the compilation of which had cost me a good +deal of thought in the reading-room. + +Yet I must make perfectly clear to you that these and twenty other +things that had the appearance of preparations committed me to nothing. +They were merely part of the prudent course of making ready, not for the +best that might happen, but for the worst; and that the worst might be +avoided I plotted at the same time with almost extravagant care. For all +this last, however, the effective human mind works as it were in +separate compartments of the job to be done, and there was no denying +that this was or might become a job. I treated it as a job. And as a job +it cost me no more qualms and tremors than the cool preparation for an +examination in Method might have done. I did not turn pale when I read +in a book of forensic medicine that when one man slays another he +commonly uses far too much violence; I merely noted the fact, and +reminded myself of it from time to time, to be perfect in my (I still +hoped superfluous) lesson. I did not blench when I learned that, +judicial executions apart, ninety-nine per cent. of hangings were +suicidal, so that, certain other precautions being observed, a +presumption could be made preponderatingly probable. I merely turned my +attention to the qualifying precautions. And as for that sheet of paper +I carried--well, young men have killed themselves for less reason, and +seldom for greater. Indeed, to die by his own hand might be the final +virtuous act in which he took his farewell of the world. I would--still +in the last event, you understand--allow him that empty semblance of +virtue. Whether he needed it in heaven or not, I needed it on earth. + +And (I am still talking purely hypothetically) I now recognise that I +had prepared our respective mental attitudes with instinctive skill. +That clever fiend within me had seen to that before I had become awake +to that fiend's existence. By about the--till say a fortnight before the +day fixed for his wedding--none could have told that I had the shadow of +a grudge against him. He had made, for his slander of myself, a sort of +semi-public apology--that is to say, he had mumbled a few words in the +presence of Weston and the Principal of the College; but by that time +the question of slander had been already so far from me that I had +hardly had to affect an equanimity of manner. Without any effort +whatever I had hit the necessary degree of magnanimity to a nicety, and +there had been an end of that. I was free to return to the college +again. This now mattered little since we were within a few days of the +end of the summer term, and it was proposed to have, not a breaking-up +party on the premises, but a boating-picnic at Richmond. + +That I was in love with Evie Soames none knew. Did they? Could they? She +was engaged to Archie, I to Kitty Windus; but I examined it again, to +make sure.... No, no suspicion of jealousy could attach to me; none +would think of a _crime passionel_.... And was it jealousy? Was it a +_crime passionel_? I do not think you can say it was. True, I intended +in the teeth of all the world to marry Evie Soames, just as I intended +one day to be rich and to make my inherent power felt; but there would +have been other ways than murder of accomplishing that. I should have +found a way.... No; he had the best reason in the world for what I was +so carefully planning for him. To me none whatever could be attributed. +My preparations (for the worst, of course) would be complete when I had +made use of that paper I carried in my pocket. + +It was one evening less than a week before the day of his wedding that I +chose for the completion of these preparations, and I had walked with +him as far as his home. There, with a good-night, I was artfully passing +on when he himself detained me. + +"Aren't you coming up for a bit?" he said. He had been monstrously +hospitable since I had taken him to task about the slander. I had +reckoned on this. + +"No," I replied, "I must get some shorthand practice--I'm off home." + +"Oh, come in," he urged, taking my arm. "I sha'n't get much either this +few weeks--come in, and we'll have an hour together at speed. Come +on--I've got some books you may as well have--I sha'n't want two sets." + +He meant he wouldn't want Evie's text-books as well as his own. I had +not been able to afford books for my studies, and so had had to make use +of those belonging to the college. This was the nearest he had come +since my accusation to speaking about Evie and himself together. + +I went up to his rooms for a speed practice in Pitman's Shorthand. + +"Here are the books," he said, when he got in. "Better put 'em where +you'll have your hand on 'em--once you lose sight of a thing in this +mess you can say good-bye to it. That blessed latchkey of mine hasn't +turned up yet. Well, shall we get work over first and then talk a bit?" + +He swept aside with his arm a heap of new shirts and collars and +tissue-paper, took a writing-pad from the drawer of his table, and then +looked round for something from which to read aloud. I produced from my +pocket a newspaper, which I tossed over to him. I also had cleared a +portion of the table for myself and was sharpening a pencil. My pad lay +before me. He was taking his watch from the guard. + +"Do I read first?" he asked, opening the newspaper. "Right-oh. Say when +you're ready." + +I drew up my chair. "Right," I said. + +And in his rapid, clear, high-pitched voice he began to read. + +It was the speech of some politician or other he read, and my pencil +flew over the paper, swiftly taking down. Page after page I wrote, and I +had almost forgotten that I was engaged on anything more than an +ordinary exercise when suddenly he called "Time!" I stopped, and took a +long breath. + +"Now transcribe," he said. "You'll find paper under those gloves." + +"No," I said. "You take down now. Saves time. Transcribing's the slow +part, and we can both be doing that together." + +"All right," he said, passing over the paper and making ready. + +"Right? Go," I said. + +And I began in my turn to read. + +He had given me a continuous speech, but I gave him the Police Column. +"Big Blaze in Bermondsey: Suspected Arson," I gave him. ("That chap'll +get a couple of years for that," he interdicted). And then I passed to +"Alleged Bucket-shop Frauds." I had already got my paper from my +breast-pocket, that paper I had compiled in the reading-room of the +British Museum.... + +"--bail being granted in two sums of L500," I concluded the bucket-shop +paragraph and went on without pause:-- + + + "PATHETIC CONFESSION" + + "At Marlborough Street yesterday Rose Baxter, 24, seamstress, + living in Osnaburgh Street, was charged before Mr Siddeley with + a determined attempt to commit suicide by hanging herself in a + shed adjoining her dwelling, the property of Messrs Wright, + Knapton & Co. The beginning of the case was reported in _The + Argus_ of 24th June. Inspector Woodhead read aloud a letter + purporting to be in the prisoner's handwriting, from which we + take the following." + +("Cheerful subjects you choose, I must say," commented Archie, _sotto +voce_.) + + "'Dearest mother, I cannot face the disgrace. I hope you will + forgive me for the trouble I am bringing on you. I have put it + off as long as possible, hoping things would get better, but + there is only one end to it." + +("Kid, eh?" murmured Archie, writing.) + + "'I trust God will forgive me. I am not afraid to die, I am + afraid to live and face it. I cannot do E. this wrong. Please, + dear mother, think of me as I used to be. I have tried and + tried, but it is all no good, and I am better out of the world. + Give my love to everybody, and try, dear mother, to forgive + me.'" + +"Time!" + +Archie leaned back in his chair. + +"Phew! Was that five minutes? Seemed short," he said. "Just a breather +before we transcribe." He lighted a cigarette. "I say, Jeff: do you know +any dealer who gives a decent price for second-hand clothes? I've heaps +here I sha'n't want any more." + +I had small use for such a dealer. "You might try Lamb's Conduit +Street," I said. "I've bought clothes there." + +"Silly ass----I didn't mean that!" He was now monstrously careful of my +feelings. + +"Say when you're ready to transcribe," I said, pushing across a wad of +paper. + +"All right, let's get it over. I'll race you! Ready?" + +We plunged into our longhand transcription. + +"Ah!" I said, twenty minutes later. "Beat you, Archie!" + +He was racing through his last paragraph. "Not by much, you haven't," he +said, and then, following our practice with exercises at the college, +"No you haven't--you haven't signed--hooray!" he cried, dashing in his +signature and looking at his watch. "Thirty-two minutes--pretty smart, +what?" + +An hour later I left, with his exercise as well as my own slipped +between the leaves of Smillie's "Balance of Trade"--one of the +text-books he had given me. + +My hypothetical case was now completely prepared. + + * * * * * + +And now I spared no effort to save him. When it is yours to slay or to +spare, you have in a sense slain even in sparing, for a life has been +yours, even as Archie Merridew's life lay in the folds of that signed +sheet of paper. + +I carried that signed paper in my breast pocket on the day of the +breaking-up party to Richmond. It had not been my intention to go to +this picnic, for the sufficient reason that I was penniless _pas le +sou_--but once more Kitty, to whom I had told some tale or other about +pressing work, had broken out upon me. + +"Oh yes--of course--I might have known!" she had cried, doubtless +knowing that "pressure of work" tale of old from Frank and Alf. "Oh +yes--it was quite enough that I should set my heart on it and I might +have known you'd be busy or something! Busy!" + +Her scornful little laugh had set me tingling: I--busy! But I had +already seen that I should have to go. It had only remained for me to +climb down to the level of Frank and Alf in the easiest possible way. + +"Don't carry on like that, Kitty," I had said shortly. "It isn't so much +the work; the fact is I'd like to go; but I can't very well ask them to +pay me for the work before it's done, and the fact is I've rather +miscalculated this week. It will be all right next week, of course." + +"Oh, if that's it," she had said, her hand going as naturally to her +pocket as if she had inherited the gesture as she had inherited her +features or her name. + +So I had accepted her purse, having accepted only meals before, and Alf +and Frank and I were of a marrow. + +The paper was in my breast pocket as we walked down to the stages to +hire our boats. We were a largish party, but except for those in the +boat in which I presently found myself--Evie, Kitty and Archie +Merridew--I have no very clear recollection of who was there. I took one +oar, Evie the other, Archie was not exercising himself physically; and +he lay back in the steering seat with Kitty. It was hot; I should have +liked to remove my coat; but I dreaded to part myself even by a yard +from that paper. As it was my movements caused it to work up a little in +my inside pocket; I saw a corner of it at the opening of the coat; it +had the appearance of wishing to take a peep at Archie; and by-and-by +Archie asked me why I didn't take my coat off. + +"Not clean shirt day, eh, Jeff?" he laughed, with the recollection of +numerous brown-paper parcels in his eyes. + +He himself was taking extreme care of a pair of spotless flannels, and +at one stage of the afternoon, I forget when, that suddenly struck me as +almost funny enough to shriek aloud at--his care for his flannel bags +and carelessness about everything else. It struck me as--I use the words +quite literally--devilishly funny. It fascinated me, so that I could not +keep from watching him. My eyes wandered from time to time to the other +boats of our party and of other parties, moving on the shining river, +but they always returned in less than a minute to him, irresistibly +drawn. This _galgenhumor_ almost mastered me as the paper again crept up +to take another peep at him as he lolled, this time with Evie by his +side, for Kitty had taken the other oar. It needed so little, so little +imagination to look forward and see, strung out into the future, the +results of that irrefutable Evidence in my pocket--the inquest at which +I should not even be called as a witness--the funeral I need attend only +as a mourner--the shock--the hushing up--and the certainty of everybody +that they knew all about it! It was all horribly, horribly perfect.... + +A picnic? Oh yes, this was a picnic.... + +"_Do_ take your coat off, Jeff--you'll be so much more comfortable--why, +you're streaming!" This came from Kitty, who had the air of publicly +possessing me, though only partly by reason of having paid for me, I +think. + +"Oh, I'm quite all right--really quite comfortable," I replied. + +And then I thought of Evie, and that horrible humour rolled away from +me. Evie. What about her? She spoke even then. + +"Jeff's doing _all_ the work," she said. "I'm sure Kitty and I could +manage the boat quite well." + +"Better stay as we are," I replied. "Archie and I wouldn't trim." + +Yes, what about Evie? + +Well, for her it was only a choice of sacrifices. The choice was not of +my determining; I put that responsibility on him. There was still time; +I would save him if I could; that was settled; but further than that I +would not go. Should she fail to survive the shock it would be he, not I +who had killed her. Better that, however.... + +If you can see what else I could have done, tell me. I am willing to +learn. + +And so we went up the river, and drew in under a bank for tea, and then +went ashore for a walk, I with Kitty, he with Evie, and so back to the +boat again. I do not remember quite how the time went. I know that the +sun went down in a flush of rose, and that Japanese lanterns appeared on +the water and in the water in long smooth reflections, and that parties +were singing and playing banjos in the twilight. I could not have sat by +Evie--it really would have put the boat out of trim--and so I had not to +sit by Kitty either. She and I pulled again; Archie and Evie in the +stern seat were hardly distinguishable; and Archie, who had been +singing, was quiet again. + +And I must have succeeded in keeping that dreadful mirth of mine to +myself, for Kitty had noticed nothing. She stood by my side in the +crowded station afterwards, murmuring to me how lovely it had been. + +That is all I remember about that picnic. + +Nor have I any reason for not telling you the truth about this. I am +concealing neither the man nor the devil in me. For many years I have +been almost entirely untroubled by it all, and I make even this slight +qualification only because during the last month I have had feelings, +not of remorse, but of something that is better described as a sort of +backward curiosity. Perhaps it is a little more even than that, for a +certain measure of admiration is not entirely absent from it. Don't +misunderstand me, however. That tincture of admiration is not so strong +that I cannot rest unless somebody admires my cleverness with me. +Nothing irresistibly urges me to give myself away. But I have felt a +little that backward pull of a man's own acts. I do not know, though +practically it has not come near me, why men revisit places. I do not +revisit that house near the Foundling Hospital--yet I do write this +shorthand carefully locking my door before I begin and committing it to +the most private recess of my cabinet as I complete each instalment.... +Yet other compunction, if this be compunction, have I none. I am rich, I +am serving my age by a more arduous grappling with its economic problems +than any of my contemporaries, I could have had Pepper's knighthood had +I wished for it, and I have been married this long time to Evie +Soames.... No, on the whole I do not believe in melodramatic +retributions. No shadowy shape of a fair-haired and red-waistcoated +figure glides at my elbow or steps with me into my brougham, and when I +close my eyes at night I do not see as on a painted curtain that +dimity-papered, lamp-lighted upper chamber of his. I do not start at +sudden sounds, nor fear to be left alone in my library when it grows +late. I play with my clean-born children. Evie is happy with me. And I +even have Miss Angela in a cleft stick--for, when things go well, she is +my gentle and much-loved maiden aunt by marriage, but when they go +across she is my mother-in-law, who would stare incredulously at any who +might hint that my brain could plot a horror and my two hands execute +it. + +And yet I write this, and sometimes waste an hour in wondering why, all +of a sudden, Kitty Windus threw me over without giving a reason, and, +when I went for one, had left her rooms in Percy Street and gone +goodness knows where. + +But bah! They are wrong who say that for every crime somebody has to +pay. They speak from hearsay. I do not speak from hearsay. To my own +knowledge one crime has been committed for which nobody has paid and +nobody ever will. + +Well, things are as they are ... and so I will make an end. + +My desperate struggles to save Archie Merridew included an interview +that I had positively to force from Miss Angela. I had to force it for +the reason that, though I was now theoretically exculpated from the +charge under which I had lain, slander always sticks, and some of it +still stuck with Miss Soames in spite of her efforts to forget it. That, +I think, was the reason why she saw me in the dining-room at Woburn +Place instead of in her own sitting-room, where, I knew, Evie was. +There, among the empty chairs, toying with Mr. Shoto's napkin-ring and +putting it down again as I remembered whose it was, and then +unconsciously taking it up again, I told her in such terms as I could +find how matters stood. She nodded from time to time. + +Again it was not my fault if she failed to understand. She did, I now +know, fail, and failed the more hopelessly that she thought she did +understand. Many, many thick wrappings lie between placid Aunt Angela +and the stark realities of Life. + +"I see perfectly," she said, when I had made that statement that would +have appalled any but herself. "It was exactly the same with George. (I +was once--engaged--to a man called George.) George put a precisely +similar case quite plainly before me. _He_ was consumptive, or rather +his poor father was, and they do say it skips a generation--poor +George!" + +I shook my head, but she only sighed with gentle content. She did not +really miss George. + +"But," she went on, while my eyes wandered to the corner by the +sideboard where Archie had had his conversation with Mr Shoto about the +Yoshiwara, "I shouldn't have refused him for that. (I did refuse him, +and I heard afterwards that for weeks he ate scarcely anything at all.) +It was something quite different that came between us--I've never told +even Evie what the real reason was." + +I interrupted her. "Are you sure, Miss Soames, that you've quite +understood my real reason?" (More plainly I dared not speak, lest later +there should be a chink in my own armour.) + +"Oh yes!" she purred lightly. "Old woman as I am, I _quite_ understand! +As you say ... 'the children.' ..." Then, forgetting her attitude for a +moment, she became playfully roguish. "Of course, it isn't as if you +weren't in love with Miss Windus, and so in a sense feel it more nearly. +You know how _you_ would feel about it. I only say this that you may see +that I _quite_ understand these things do make a difference--eh?" + +"But when I solemnly assure you that that has nothing whatever to do +with it." + +She adjusted the Indian shawl coquettishly about her shoulders. + +"Ah, that's what you think! Come, Mr Jeffries you're positively +ungallant! As if I was so old that I'd forgotten! And not only George +either! I hope you won't be offended, Mr Jeffries, if I tell you that I +suspect--I suspect--that in this I know you better than you know +yourself!" + +Against that phrase there is no argument. Some people do not and cannot +see. And again I did not think Miss Angela had the right to extract from +me the uttermost word. I was aware that the very possession of that +awful weapon of mine was dangerous; merely to have it might be to use +it; but the question is one of your resolve, and I was fully resolved. +My job had to be done, or (as I still dared in certain moments to hope) +not to be done; but if it was to be done, it was going to be done +thoroughly. My neck was not going into a noose because of other people's +blindness. It was of no use talking to Miss Angela. + +And that being so, I abandoned my attempt with her. I smiled. + +"Well, perhaps you're right," I said. "When one is in love oneself, and +looking forward--well, perhaps it does bring it home to one. Perhaps it +makes one a little of a busybody. So," I concluded, "I hope you won't +exaggerate what I've been saying." + +And a few minutes' further talk of things she had actually seen for +herself in Archie--such things as his slight intemperance on the night +of the birthday-party--made me quite safe with Miss Angela also. + +To Kitty I was able to say even less than this. Indeed, she now detested +Archie so thoroughly that I was scarcely able to say anything at all. +And, looking back with all the care I am master of, I cannot see that +anything I did say could have been the cause of that extraordinary +breaking off with me without a word. + +To Evie I said nothing at all. + +There remained one more attempt with himself. + +The time I chose for this was fixed by the exigencies of all the +circumstances. I would have wrestled with him for the whole of the two +days that remained before his wedding, but his own absence for a day +precluded this. And as during that day I sought him in vain, I thought, +very wearily, that he must now take his chance. Therefore, when it came +to the very last day, the day before his wedding, I recognised that that +also gave a perfect touch to the Evidence. The _very_ eve of his +wedding. + +_Several_ evenings before would somehow have been less plausible. + +As I walked to his rooms that night I carried with me three things. +Under my arm was my old brown-paper parcel--for to make a final use of +his bath had seemed to me the most natural excuse for my calling on him. +In my breast pocket I carried that piece of paper that was to be the +Evidence to the world. And in another pocket I had his latch-key, for +which I foresaw a use later in the evening. + +I knocked at his door a little after eight, and Jane admitted me. She +gave a familiar look at the parcel that contained my shirt, and also +said something about a box Mr Merridew was leaving behind for the care +of which he wanted me to be responsible. I passed this box on the first +landing. It was locked, but only half addressed--Archie had not yet +secured the rooms to which he would return with Evie. But he had not yet +said anything about the box to me. + +I found him walking about his rooms, taking last peeps into empty +drawers to see whether there was anything he had forgotten. His packing +was finished, and he kept stopping in his prowl to throw another handful +of old letters on to the smouldering heap in his old Queen Anne teapot +of a grate. A little pile of these condemned letters still remained by +the side of his perforated brass fender. + +"Hallo!" he cried as I entered. "Just give a squint round, will you, and +tell me if there's anything so big I can't see it. And I say: I've left +a box downstairs; I wonder if you'd look after it for me? I've told +Jane." + +"Right!" I said. "Bath ready?" + +"All ready. By Jove! how letters do accumulate! You go and scrub +yourself, while I polish this lot off." + +I went into his bathroom. + +But I did not make use of his bath. Somehow I could not bring myself to +it. I only wanted the bath to be known as my motive for calling. So I +filled it, stood by it for a number of minutes, and then ran the water +off again. I took the same brown-paper parcel with me into his +sitting-room that I had brought out. + +I did not stay long after that. I was coming back. At nine I rose. + +"What, are you off?" he said. "I must say you take what you want and +clear off pretty quick! Supper'll be up presently." + +"A last stag-party?" I said. "I'm afraid you'll have to have it without +me. I've got to get to Bedford yet. So," I added, "I shall have to wish +you--you know--get it over now." + +"Oh, don't put on so much blessed ceremony!" he said. "It isn't as if +you weren't going to see me again!" + +It wasn't. + +"Oh, about that box," I said. "Better call Jane, and tell me in her +presence." + +"Well, if you _will_ leave me to eat my last bachelor supper alone. But +I should have had to clear out myself just after. Got to have a word +with Aunt Angela--she let's me call her that now." + +He moved towards the door. + +"Where are you going?" I asked. + +"To call Jane," he replied. "Bell's busted now--time I cleared out of +here--whole place is coming to pieces.... Jane! Ja--ne!" he shouted down +the well of the stairs. + +Then as Jane didn't hear he descended to the floor below. + +His old red woollen bell-rope lay in a heap on the floor. That also had +happened as a result of my studies in the British Museum. I busied +myself with it.... By the time he had returned I had made it quite ready +and was gazing thoughtfully into his fireplace. + +I went downstairs with Jane, who herself closed the door behind me. I +gave her a very express good-night. + + * * * * * + +The remainder of that evening I can divide into four distinct stages, +and I will adopt that course, taking them numerically. + +The first stage was one of an almost overwhelming lassitude. I had an +hour and a half and more to kill, and this lassitude came upon me +suddenly as I walked slowly in the direction of Cheapside. I was in its +power before I recognised its dangers. The man of action had suddenly +sunk into abeyance with me, and, now that all was ready, all interest +in my job had departed from me. The drudgery of actual performance was +all at once beyond my powers. I could have gone on planning--I wished +there had been more to plan--but now to carry out.... + +I collapsed suddenly. + +Why (I asked myself wearily) trouble after all! Why trouble about +anything? Life was short, yet already too long; its activities +overlauded, its glories contemptibly little; why waste it in +striving--nay, why live it all? Thirty years of it had brought me +nothing; whatever another thirty years might bring me I should have to +leave, and what would it matter after that whether I left much or +little? Nay, were there really an Infinite Mercy to be "squared," it was +perhaps better to cast myself before it helpless, naked, and without +profit of my life. Why not end it all now? Why not kill, not Archie, but +myself? + +I turned with bowed head down the Minories, and something within +me--I think it was that honest and beaten and bloody-minded +Jeffries--whispered "The River!" + +Presently I stood not far from the Tower, looking over a parapet into +the dark water. + +Yes, the river would settle it, that was the real way out. No more +Agency clerkships and red-and-green-lighted apartments and sham +betrothals on the other side of that parapet. And no more heartrending +strivings to be free of the circumstances into which the world +malignantly thrust me back the moment I raised my head. Striving? I +realised all my striving in the past--Rixon Tebb & Masters', the Method +examination, my commissionaireship, the wanton slander, my late +perfected plan--and the thought that the years to come might be but +repetitions of all this hit me like a hammer. I could not face it. + +Then a detached sentence from one of the books I had read in the museum +sprang up in my mind, and I started a little. The sentence was to the +effect that a man who leaps into water always removes his hat before +doing so. I did not remember that I had taken my own hat off, but there +it lay, on the parapet, at my elbow. + +Then, "Well, it will do to cover some other poor devil's head," murmured +that tired Jeffries, "Get it over, and send that conscienceless young +scamp to hell with _your_ blood on his head. Somebody always pays, you +know." + +I removed my coat. + +But that tired Jeffries never spoke unanswered, and these words were +answerable. To make a hole in the water from sheer weariness was one +thing, but to destroy myself to compass another's damnation was quite a +different one. The other Jeffries spoke. + +"Why should you kill yourself for his sin? Each man must bear his own. +Nay, it is not committed yet and will not be if you are strong and play +the man. Are you going to fold your hands and allow Evie...." + +And at the thought of Evie I felt my sluggish blood creep again. + +"You live in a practical world--be practical," continued that satanic +James Herbert. "Prevention is better than cure. Even could he be +punished afterwards, how much better off would _she_ be ... _then_? What +right have you to bring this horror on her? He's selfish, ignorant, +cruel--it would be dreadful at the best; but ... oh, think, man! Think +of her now ... and to-morrow!" + +"You only want her yourself," growled the other. + +"You do--but that's not your motive!" cried the first. "You've +overlooked all he's done to you--but this isn't to you! Coward--if you +allow it! You won't allow it--to kill him would be better than to allow +it.... Come; what time is it? She'll be preparing for bed by the time +you get there." + +I put on my hat and coat again. + +This was my first stage. + +The second began with my approach to Woburn Place. + +The sitting-room with the pink-shaded lamp lay at the front of the +house, but Evie and her aunt slept at the back. The sitting-room was in +darkness as I passed. I took a side street, and then a back cartway used +by tradesmen. A high wall was in front of me, but by stepping back I +could see the hinder part of the row--landing windows, bathroom windows, +tiny conservatories, bedrooms--various oblongs at different levels, some +blinded, some with lamps, many in darkness. Behind me was a mews, with +horses that moved their feet in their litter and dragged at chains from +time to time. + +The tradesmen's entrances were unnumbered, and I do not know whether I +hit on the right house; but that did not matter. I have mentioned my +uncommon powers of mental visualisation, and these sufficed me. I fixed +my eyes on a window; it might or might not have been Evie's; but to all +intents and purposes it was. Somebody was retiring there, and the blind +was lowered. + +I saw no hand, no shadow on the blind. Only the light went out suddenly, +and from the sound the blind made as it went up I judged it to be a +spring blind. A piano had begun to play somewhere, but save for that +all was silent. + +It was the last of her single days. + +To-morrow. + +My heart was hideously alive again. What! Fold my hands--drown--and Evie +as she still was up there. + +Soft and terrible ejaculations began to break from my lips. + +"Ah, would he? Would he? He would, would he?" + +A clock struck half-past eleven. + +This was my second stage. + +I will begin the third at the moment when I pushed gently at the gate +over the whitewashed area near the Foundling Hospital. + +His light still showed over the leads, but the basement was in darkness. +Evidently Jane had gone to bed. I felt in my pocket for his latchkey, +mounted the three steps, and with infinite softness put the key into the +lock and turned it. The door opened noiselessly, and I prevented the +click as I closed it again by letting the little brass knob gently back +with my thumb. Then silently I began to mount his stairs, passing on the +way the locked box that had been put into my charge. I reached the top. +The first sound I had made since entering the house was my tap at +Archie's door. + +"Come in!" his tenor voice called from behind the door. + +I entered. + +At first he did not seem more than ordinarily surprised to see me; it +was only after a moment that the oddness struck him. + +"Hallo!" he began, in natural though not altogether cordial tones.... +Then, "Hallo! I thought you were in Bedford by this time." + +"Missed my train," I said. + +He stared mistrustfully.... + +He had been preparing for bed. He had removed his collar and tie, and +his red waistcoat was unbuttoned. Through the chink of his bedroom door +I saw the light of his second lamp. + +In his surprise at seeing me back again, he had half risen from his +arm-chair. He remained, his hands on the arms of it, neither sitting nor +standing, as he asked suddenly, "Who let you in?" + +"Myself," I answered, in an even tone. "A little unceremonious, perhaps, +but I knew Jane had gone to bed and didn't want to fetch you down. The +fact is, I've found your latchkey." + +"You've found my latchkey!" + +"In my coat pocket. Don't ask me how it got there. Our two coats were +hanging together one night, but even then I don't quite see.... Here it +is anyway." + +I put it on the table. + +"That's a rum 'un," he said, slowly sitting down in his chair again, +but keeping his eyes on mine. "So you came back to give it me?" + +"I came back to give it you. Besides," my eyes were on his slender bare +neck, "since I was coming back--I thought I'd like another word with you +before----" I paused. + +For a moment I could not understand the readiness with which he took up +the thing I had not said. His lips had compressed a little. + +"Ah! Again?" he said, with a little kindling in his eyes. + +"'Again'?" Then I saw. He had seen Miss Angela during the last hour, and +she had doubtless spoken of my own call on her. "Yes, again," I +answered. + +That third stage had a curious close. That close was nothing less than +the reunification of those two halves of the Giant to the fabulous +splitting into two of whom I have likened my mental state. They came +together again, these two halves, as the two forces come together that +make the thunder clap ... but of this in a moment. + +After several moments of increasingly rapid talk, we were both standing, +he defiantly with one hand on the edge of the mantelpiece, I at the +other end of the hearth. He had risen a moment before at certain words +of mine, as if to inform me that our interview was over. Once I had seen +his eyes move towards the place where the bell-rope should have been, +but that lay, a red woollen heap, on the floor behind me, and he would +have had to pass me in order to get into his bedroom. He had found an +appearance of forcefulness in the use of violent words. + +"Why, damn your impudence!" he blustered. "Look here, my good man! If +you suppose I'm going to be talked to like this by you or anybody +else----" + +"Then deny the fact," I said for the fifth time. + +"I'll not deny or anything else till I know what right----" + +"I know it comes late, but I've spoken of it before." + +"Yes--sneaking behind my back!" he said hotly, probably again +remembering his recent conversation with Miss Angela. + +"To your face." + +"Yes--and if it hadn't been for something else I should have told you +then what an interfering devil you were!" + +"Merridew," I said slowly, "it's the last time." + +He sneered. + +"I'm glad of that--and confound you for a meddler!" he cried. "If that's +all you came for, get out, and I'll get somebody else to look after my +trunk!" + +We were silent for a space, and in that space I heard the voice of that +human Jeffries, almost pitifully seeking still to save him. "Give him +every chance," sobbed that Jeffries, "he's only a weakling--you could +crush him mentally as you could physically--it would be little better +than infanticide--try him again--show him that red thing on the +floor--and that carved thing on the door." + +But now Archie in his turn seemed to have become divided. He had +suddenly turned white. But an habitual pertness still persisted in his +tongue. I don't think this had any relation whatever to the physical +peril he seemed at last to have realised he was in. I stood over him +huge and black as Fate.... "Spare him if you can," that generous +bloodthirsty devil in me muttered quickly. + +"Merridew," I said heavily, "you'll disappear to-morrow morning ... +_or_----" + +"Shall I?" he bragged falteringly.... + +"And you won't come back. I shall stay here to-night and put you into +the train myself." + +"Then you'll have to sleep in the bath--and you should know by this time +how small that is," came from his lips. + +And yet it came only from his lips. His terrified heart had no part in +it. His only chance now was to have screamed aloud. + +But he did not scream. Instead, he stooped swiftly, caught up the +poker, and struck at my head with it. + +It was then that the thunder-clap came, and that I was James Herbert +Jeffries, whole, and a murderer. Swiftly as Archie and I came together +the halves of that Giant came together. Instinctively I had guarded my +head, perhaps realising--I cannot say--that a single drop of blood might +mean for me precisely what I intended to do to him; but it mattered +little whether blood blinded my eyes or not. Another redness gorged me, +and then, my mind became whitely blind. As colours are lost on a disc +that revolves, so all my plans and preparations spun and mingled. All +was there, yet nothing was there. For an instant my visual memories of +that pleasant, dimity-papered apartment stood separate; my own old +experiences and new divinations also stood separate; I saw ahead, three +or four minutes ahead, his struggles in my great arms, my left arm about +his ankles, my right hand over his mouth, the red of the woollen +bell-rope against his white neck ... and then all wheeled hideously +together.... + +I was upon him, smothering him with my bulk, and wondering even as I +bore him backwards to the door whether I myself was bleeding.... + + * * * * * + +The fourth stage was characterised throughout by an extraordinary +quietness. There was the light sound of the turning of paper in it, for +I had to search in a pile of old books and papers for his shorthand pad +and to make sure I had the right one--I had to take from my breast +pocket another sheet of paper and to glance at that also to make sure +that it also was the right one--and then I had to approach the bedroom +door and to drop this into his pocket.... + +But before I did any of these things I tiptoed to the mirror over the +mantelpiece in order to see whether I bled. + +I did not. My left eye was of a dull red, but not with blood, and I +could deal with that. As a preparation for dealing with it I emptied at +a draught the brandy flask he had prepared for his journey on the +morrow. + +Softly as a cat I continued to move about. + +Then I had to remember which of his stairs creaked to the tread. They +were the fourth and the tenth from the first landing; I knew that as +well as I knew my own name; and yet for a time I really could not +remember the numbers. + +The room was quiet as a grave as I gave a final glance round at the +displayed Evidence.... + +Then behind his Queen Anne grate a cricket began to sing. + +Nobody saw me leave the house. I had to bring his latchkey away. +Without it the latch would have clicked as I closed the door from the +outside. + +Then I crossed Mecklenburgh Square and walked towards King's Cross. + +A quarter of an hour later an apparently very drunken man of uncommon +stature lurched heavily through the swing doors of my public-house and +fell full length on the floor in the middle of a knot of drinkers. A +barman dived quickly under the flap of the counter, with an "Outside!" +rushed towards me. I was hauled to my feet. I had a hand over one eye. + +"_'E's_ copped the brewer all right!" a cheerful voice sounded in my +ear. "Just smell 'im! Must ha' been drinking it straight out o' the +cask." + +"'Ere--'old 'ard--ain't it your lodger?" somebody else said suddenly. + +"Is it? Lumme, so it is! Look at 'is eye!" + +"Ain't 'alf a mouse!" + +"'Ere, 'elp me up with 'im the back way, Jim--Lord! 'e weighs a ton! +I've never known 'im 'ave a drink 'ere, but there, they get it at one +place if they don't at another." + +Then somebody bawled to me: + +"Look out--don't blow your nose--you'll 'ave your eye up if you do!" + +But I wanted my eye "up." Up it came instantly, large as an egg, and +there was a laugh. + +"Well, 'e won't brag much about where 'e got _that_!" somebody said. + +And they helped me up to my red-and-green-lighted room. + + * * * * * + +They say somebody always pays. Well, this my story. It is a long time +ago, and nobody has paid yet. Nor, as far as I can see, is it likely +that anybody ever will. There is only one detail that I have not been +able properly to attend to, and even that has attended to itself--for of +course Kitty Windus fled because she realised that I was in love with +Evie. I could hardly expect her to stay after that. + +No: nobody has paid. Nobody ever will. + + +THE END + + + +Notes for "In accordance with the evidence" by Oliver Onions + +Italic text is denoted by _underscore_ and bold text by =equal sign=. + +Page 32--a word was unreadable and was best guessed as (pretence). + +Inconsistant hyphenation and spelling are kept as in the original. + +Mr and Mr. were kept as in the original. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's In Accordance with the Evidence, by Oliver Onions + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EVIDENCE *** + +***** This file should be named 37919.txt or 37919.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/9/1/37919/ + +Produced by Quentin Johnson, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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