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diff --git a/37767.txt b/37767.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ca0857 --- /dev/null +++ b/37767.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1717 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Phil May Album, by Phil May + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Phil May Album + +Author: Phil May + +Release Date: October 16, 2011 [EBook #37767] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHIL MAY ALBUM *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Linda Hamilton, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +THE PHIL MAY ALBUM + + + + +[Illustration: BLOWING A CLOUD] + + + + + THE + PHIL MAY + ALBUM + + COLLECTED BY + AUGUSTUS M. MOORE + + METHUEN & CO. + 36 ESSEX STREET, W.C. + LONDON + 1900 + + + + + EDMUND EVANS + PRINTER + RACQUET COURT + FLEET STREET + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + + BLOWING A CLOUD 2 + + INTRODUCTION 7 + + THE LEGITIMATE 17 + + A QUESTION OF HOSE 18 + + FALLEN GREATNESS 19 + + "NOT GOLDEN, BUT GILDED" 20 + + THE TEMPTATION OF ANTHONY 21 + + ON THE BRAIN: THE QUEEN AND MRS. MARTHA RICKS 22 + + FATE! 23 + + ON THE BRAIN: H.R.H. AND STIGGINS 24 + + THE NOBLE ART 25 + + ON THE BRAIN: H.R.H. THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE 26 + + PRO BONO PUBLICO 27 + + ON THE BRAIN: THE DUKE OF FIFE 28 + + ACCOMMODATING 29 + + ON THE BRAIN: THE GERMAN EMPEROR 30 + + AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUET 31 + + ON THE BRAIN: THE DUC D'ORLEANS 32 + + ALL THE DIFFERENCE 33 + + THREE MEN IN A BOOT 34 + + A FRIEND IN NEED 35 + + LIKE A BIRD 35 + + ON THE BRAIN: MRS. ANNIE BESANT 36 + + AN UPRIGHT COURSE 37 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. HENRY GEORGE 38 + + A BENEVOLENT CONNOISSEUR 39 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR CHARLES EWAN SMITH 40 + + ON THE SANDS 41 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH 42 + + WOMANLY 43 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. ARTHUR ROBERTS 44 + + OUR CLIMATE 45 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR GEORGE NEWNES 46 + + CHEEK 47 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR GEORGE DIBBS 48 + + INFORMATION WANTED 49 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. HORACE SEDGER 50 + + FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKE 51 + + ON THE BRAIN: THE MARQUIS OF QUEENSBERRY 52 + + HARD LINES 53 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. W. T. STEAD 54 + + MUTUAL CONSIDERATION 55 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. WILLIAM MORRIS 56 + + BRITONS IN PARIS 57 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR HENRY PARKES 58 + + READY FOR THE BALL 59 + + ON THE BRAIN: THE MARQUIS OF DUFFERIN AND AVA 60 + + BEFORE HIS FRIENDS 61 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR AUGUSTUS HARRIS 62 + + SAINTLY POLITENESS 63 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR EDWARD LAWSON 64 + + "OH, LISTEN TO MY TALE OF 'WO'" 65 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. RUDYARD KIPLING 66 + + THE NEW JEW 67 + + STREET COMPLIMENTS 67 + + DEDUCTION 67 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR WILLIAM V. HARCOURT, M.P. 68 + + THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES 69 + + ON THE BRAIN: M. ERNEST RENAN 70 + + A PAIR OF SOILED KIDS 71 + + LIP 71 + + ON THE BRAIN: LORD RANDOLPH CHURCHILL 72 + + THE CAPE MAIL 73 + + ON THE BRAIN: LORD RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN 74 + + LIMITED 75 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. H. M. STANLEY 76 + + INFORMATION 77 + + ON THE BRAIN: LORD ALINGTON 78 + + INQUISITIVE 79 + + A HOWLING SWELL 79 + + ON THE BRAIN: RT. HON. A. J. BALFOUR, M.P. 80 + + AN IDLE FELLOW 81 + + ON THE BRAIN: MADAME ADELINA PATTI 82 + + A GOOD PLACE 83 + + POODLES 83 + + A PLEASANT PROSPECT 83 + + ON THE BRAIN: RIGHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE 84 + + ON THE SANDS 85 + + ON THE BRAIN: THE RIGHT HON. JOSEPH + CHAMBERLAIN, M.P. 86 + + REALISM 87 + + ON THE BRAIN: M EMILE ZOLA 88 + + AT THE RIDING SCHOOL 89 + + ON THE BRAIN: LORD TENNYSON 90 + + NO CHANCE 91 + + A FACT 91 + + A PROMINENT FEATURE 91 + + ON THE BRAIN: SIR J. BLUNDELL MAPLE, M.P. 92 + + FORCE OF HABIT 93 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. ALBERT CHEVALIER 94 + + THE UNKINDEST CUT 95 + + DOUBLE SIGHT 95 + + PUTTING IT PLAINLY 95 + + BRIDGET 95 + + M. JAQUES 96 + + OBVIOUS 97 + + MONSIEUR SARDOU 98 + + PLEASANT MEMORIES 99 + + ADVICE 99 + + A SONG AND A SINGER 99 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. BEERBOHM TREE 100 + + A NASTY ONE 101 + + ON THE BRAIN: GENERAL BOOTH 102 + + THE ACCENT ON THE PEG 103 + + A RECOMMENDATION 103 + + PICKSOME 103 + + ON THE BRAIN: AN EX-LORD MAYOR 104 + + THE WRONG SHOP 105 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. G. A. SALA 106 + + BAKERS' STRIKE 107 + + GOING THE PACE 107 + + A POSER FOR GRAN'PA 107 + + A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT 107 + + THE NORTH POLE 108 + + SUGGESTIVE 109 + + LEG-ISLATION 110 + + INTELLIGENCE DEPARTMENT 111 + + THE CONSUMING PASSION 111 + + THE DOWN TRAIN 111 + + A DISTINCTION 111 + + ON THE BRAIN: MR. PUNCH 112 + + + + +PHIL MAY AND HIS ART + + +"And now, Mr. Whistler, what about Black and White Art?" said an +interviewer. "Black and White Art," said Mr. Whistler, "is summed up in +two words--Phil May!" Nor is this merely a New School of Art paradox. It +is one which is held by artists of all grades alike, and even by the art +editor who professes to know and supply what the public likes. That a +youth who never had a lesson in drawing in his life should have earned +such a reputation between the ages of seventeen and thirty, and should +have gone above men as honoured in their profession as Sir John Tenniel +and Mr. George du Maurier, and on a level with Charles Keene, Mr. Abbey +and Mr. Gibson, is enough to make Mr. May's art extremely interesting. +But his art is not nearly so instructive as Mr. May himself; he is a +human document to the hand of the realist, and the student of +heredity--if ever there was one. He has been interviewed in a sketchy +fashion by the journalistic Mrs. Mangnall innumerable times; the +high-art magazines have added him to their lists of "Our Graphic +Humorists," "Black and White Artists," and "How Caricaturists Draw." +The world is familiar with his own grotesque sketches of himself, and, +whether he is attired in riding breeches, a straw hat perched on the +back of his head, as he drives a coster's cart, or is being flung out of +a cab, his long cigar and his hair cut in a bang straight across his +forehead, are unchangeable and unmistakeable. The public no doubt thinks +that this is only one of Phil May's jokes at his own expense, for the +bold Rabelaisian roundness of his humour suggests a man the very reverse +of the lean and hungry Cassius. But Phil May's humour does not consist +of making fat people thin, thin people fat, exaggerating features, +putting big heads upon little legs, and such methods of distortion as we +have so often seen resorted to. This we learn from a glance at his home, +which is his studio life. + +Mr. May's artistic treasures are none of them the old masters of a +millionaire, but purely personal household gods, each with a little +story of a friendship, a reminiscence of hard-up times, or some personal +taste. The volumes in the old oak book-case are not first editions, but +they show a fine appreciation for the best literature, and even the blue +china is not wired and hung-up. The drawing-board seems to act as an +address-book, and the grandfather's clock by the fireplace in its old +age has given up making a nuisance of itself by repeating "For ever, +never." The mantelpiece is peopled with little Japanese dolls, little +bronzes and brasses, and figures carved in yellow ivory. These, with a +few plaster casts of arms and legs which hang on the walls, a line of +Japanese prints put around the ceiling "to try an effect," a few +Japanese lanterns hanging from the roof, some Japanese lay-figures in +armour standing round the walls, and a few sketches, are about all the +decoration of this long sky-lit room. But most important of all is the +index to as remarkable a story as was ever told by a successful man, a +story which has never been told before. It is only an old mug. The +substance is earthenware, the decoration obviously pseudo-oriental, and +the design and glaze nothing marvellous. It clearly comes from the +English potteries, but it has no mark, and it is certainly not Chelsea, +Derby, Yarmouth, Bristol, Lowestoft, or any of the rarer and +higher-priced wares. The hand of Wedgwood, Voyez, or Elers is not seen +in its design, and, indeed, it is difficult precisely to locate its +origin. And yet, it should now take its place in Chaffers and Church who +know it not. Our dilemma is solved by Mr. May himself, who seems, in his +usual casual modest way, to have attached no importance to it, and who, +from subsequent inquiries, has only a very superficial knowledge which +would not satisfy a ceramic maniac, to say nothing of a family +historian. "That mug was made," says Mr. May, "by my grandfather. I +don't know much more about him than he knows about me; but if you are +interested in china, you may care for some details which may help you to +hunt it up. He was a potter in the Midlands--if you want to be +particular, at Snead, in Staffordshire--and, I believe, was fairly well +off; for the design, which is that of a hunt, was made to commemorate +his becoming the master of the local hounds. If you say that his name is +not given in any of the handbooks, I am sure you are right; but all I +know is, the firm, whatever it was called, came to grief owing to the +war--and I can't tell you what war; but it was not the China war." Here +the student of heredity will discern the rude germ of the artistic +temperament which has so developed in the third generation. It was in +the interests of the hereditary artistic strain that Mr. May was induced +to tell the story. He is not so impressed as are many people with the +necessity of having a grandfather, and knows no more about him than is +related above. Mr. May's father was apprenticed as an engineer to George +Stephenson, and worked in the drawing office of the great engineer at +Newcastle, where he met his wife. She was a Miss Macarthy, and her +father was Eugene Macarthy, who belonged to an old theatrical family +connected with the management of the New Theatre, Wolverhampton. An old +bill on satin struck to commemorate a "Bespeak" performance, "under the +distinguished patronage of Lord Wrottesley," gives Eugene Macarthy as +playing Lord Tinsel in _The Hunchback_, and Jenkins, in _Gretna Green_; +or, _The Biter Bit_, on Friday, May 9th, 1845. In this bill Mr. James +Bennett was the Master Walter; H. Lacy the Modus; Mrs. W. Rignold the +Julia, and Miss Fanny Wallack, Helen. + +Mr. May's father was unlucky in life. He started a brass-foundry, but, +as your host puts it, his partner cleared off with all the brass; and a +consulting-engineer business was not much more satisfactory. Mr. Phil +May was born in 1864, shortly after the collapse of the brass-foundry, +at Wortley, an outlying manufacturing district of Leeds. His father died +when he was nine years old, and his schooldays, as he tells you, +commenced early in the School Board era. At that time the new officials +were very alert, so he had one year's scholastic education. He was a +little delicate fellow, and was made a butt of by the other boys; and he +was the victim of many practical jokes. + +"My artistic career," Mr. May tells you, "may be said to have begun +when I was about twelve, at which time the Grand Theatre, Leeds, opened. +The local scene-painter was a man called Fox, a brother of Charles Fox, +and I became acquainted with his son, who helped to mix the distemper. +Young Fox and other boys called Ford, Sammy Stead, and I used to +rehearse pantomimes. Our stage was a back street, and our scenery was +designed with a stick in the gutter; but we omitted nothing. The +star-traps were all marked out, and we made our descents by flinging +ourselves on our faces in the muddy road. I was always a sprite, and +carried 'The Book of Fate,' which had a prominent place in all our +pantomimes." + +Mr. May used to sketch sections of other people's designs of costumes +for use in the ward-robe room, and eventually got to designing comic +dresses and suggestions for masks and make-ups in the property-room. +This brought him orders for actor's portraits, for which he received at +first a shilling, and later five shillings. Remuneration bred +independence, and he took to living with three or four other boys, their +lodgings costing five shillings a week. After a year or two of this +life, the late Fred Stimpson, who had a travelling burlesque company, +engaged May to play small parts and do six sketches every week to serve +as window-bills in the various small towns they visited. His +remuneration was twelve shillings a week, and on this he lived for two +or more years. After that, about 1873, he got an engagement to draw for +a small local comic journal, called _The Yorkshire Gossip_, which died +after four weeks. In 1882 Mr. May was engaged to design the dresses for +the Leeds pantomime, and flushed with success, or sickened with the +squalid hand-to-hand life he had led since he was a boy--he was then a +full-grown man of seventeen--he made up his mind to burn his boats and +come to London, and _there_ he became a tragedian. His finances +consisted of one sovereign. Fifteen shillings and five-pence halfpenny +bought him a third-class ticket, and vanity and temptation cost him four +shillings and sixpence at the Gaiety Bar. "But what," he adds, "did it +all matter? I was in London--the lap of luxury. I remembered my aunt, +Mrs. Hanner, who had married again, an actor called Fred Morton, and I +looked them up at St. John Street Road, Islington." Mr. May does not +think they were very glad to see him; but they took him in, gave him +food and a night's lodging, and next day his new uncle, after showing +him the sights of London, put him in the Leeds train. He got out, +however, at the next station and walked back. Chance led him towards +Clapham way. It was winter and he tried to get work, till he was too +tired to walk and too cold and hungry to speak. He begged the broken dry +biscuits at the public-houses; he quenched his thirst at the street +fountains. The best bit of luck he had was when he induced a child on +the Suspension Bridge to part with his bread and bacon in exchange for a +walking-stick. He led a terrible life of privation, and by night slept +in the Park, on the Embankment, or in a cart in the Market near the +stage-door of the Princess's Theatre. He was too proud to go to his +relations or to Mr. Wilson Barrett. The first bit of real luck he had +was in meeting with the keeper of a photograph shop near Charing Cross. +He took May's drawing of Irving, Toole and Bancroft, and published it. +It was a partnership arrangement, and the publisher lost about L5 in the +venture. But though he was nearly as hard up as Mr. May was, when he had +any money, he used often to take him to a shop near the old Pavilion and +give him a dinner of beef _a la mode_. "It was good!" Mr. May tells +you. A Mr. Rising who played at the Comedy Theatre, introduced Mr. May +to Lionel Brough, who purchased the original sketch of Irving, Bancroft +and Toole for L2 2s., and introduced him to a little paper called +_Society_, for which he did some drawings. But between these periods Mr. +May suffered long spells of penury, when he would have been glad to have +taken up his position with a handkerchief full of broken chalks and +drawn on the pavement. At last a drawing of Mr. Bancroft in _Society_ +brought him an introduction to Mr. Edward Russell, who introduced him to +the management of the _St. Stephen's Review_. It was not then an +illustrated paper, but a Christmas Number was being issued. The +illustrations were already arranged for, so there was nothing for him to +do. The disappointment, or long privation--for he was only eighteen at +the time--or both, brought on an illness, and he returned to Leeds. A +telegram from Mr. Russell brought him to London. The illustrations for +the Christmas Number would not do, and Mr. May was asked to do them all +himself--cartoon, illustrations, cover, and initials--in a week! He +hired a room in a small hotel near the Princess's, and worked day and +night, finished the whole thing, and was paid. He remained in his humble +lodgings till his money was gone, and he used, as he says, to "go out +for breakfast and dinner," which meant walking about for appearances' +sake. The proprietor of the hotel in question, who was also a waiter at +a club, found him out, and when he came home at three or four in the +morning used to dig him out to share his supper; and when, through sheer +shame, May confessed he could not pay him, he insisted on his remaining +in his house. Mr. Brough introduced Mr. May to Alias the costumier, who +engaged him as designer of the _Nell Gwynne_ dresses, and kept him on to +design pictures for a book, _The Juvenile Shakespeare_, on which they +were to collaborate; but it came to nothing. Then the _St. Stephen's_ +started illustrations, and he was employed by it till an agent came from +Australia to discover an artist for the _Sydney Bulletin_. Mr. May +seized the opportunity of going to the antipodes, and went. The fine +air, the warm climate, and the regular food made, as he tells you, a man +of him; but it was the starvation, he adds, which made him the artist he +is. + +The rest of Mr. Phil May's story has been told before, and is not +interesting, being one long series of successes, which culminated in his +winning the blue ribbon of black-and-white art, an appointment on +_Punch_, which leaves him free to draw for any other paper that +appreciates his art and can pay his prices. + +The story of his early life and struggles is not exceeded in interest, +perhaps, by that of anybody except that of Henri Murger or that of +Honore de Balzac. The _hard_ life he once led has left his features +somewhat _hard_, but it has not soured his disposition. There is nothing +of the cynic in him. He is still careless of everything but his art, +generous to a fault not only with his money, but with his lavish praises +of the work of those who aspire to be his rivals. High and low, +everybody speaks of him as "dear old Phil," and the applause, even of +princes, has not made him a snob. His talents and his temptations would +have made many a boy of more severe training a pickpocket, burglar, or a +gaol bird, as Francois Villon was. It made Phil May an artist, and his +story is one to be remembered as an encouragement instead of a warning. + +Of the one hundred and twenty drawings collected in this volume, there +is little to say, for they speak for themselves. For some of them, I am +indebted to Mr. Louis Meyer of 13a Pall Mall, who has enabled me to +complete the series of drawings done at a time when Phil May was, as I +have described him above, a poor, struggling artist. Youth and +enthusiasm, made these drawings bolder than most of his later work, and +the lack of pence, when every line meant pennies, made them more +elaborately finished than those which of late he has made us accustomed +to. But though everyone is satisfied with his present work, I can only +trust that the artistic majority will think with me that he has never +done better than these drawings which are here collected. That at least +is why I have published them. + +AUGUSTUS M. MOORE + + + + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE LEGITIMATE + +"'Ow's business, Jacko?" + +"Damned bad. What can you expect with this bloomin' opposition!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HOSE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: FALLEN GREATNESS + +NATIVE: "Well, yer see, mum, I was once in a very 'igh persition, my +missus used to do all the washin' for the Royal Hotel."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: "NOT GOLDEN, BUT GILDED"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: NEW VERSION + +THE TEMPTATION OF ANTHONY] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MRS. MARTHA RICKS--"AUNT MARTHA"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: FATE! + +"Owth's Ikey?" + +"Vy, Ikeyth's dead." + +"You don't thay so. Vy I thor him goin' ter the thinagogue lathst week." + +"Vell, ith's all along of that thinagogue that Ikeyth's dead. They was +a-justh coming out, ven someone outside shouted out, 'Sale goin' ter +commenth,' and Ikey was killed in the crush!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE NOBLE ART] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: PRO BONO PUBLICO + +DISCONTENTED ARTIST: "I wish I had a fortune. I would never paint +again." + +GENEROUS "BROTHER-BRUSH": "By Jove, old man, I wish _I_ had one. I'd +give it to you!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE DUKE OF FIFE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ACCOMMODATING + +CUSTOMER: "I want a respirator, please." + +CHEMIST: "I'm afraid, sir, we haven't one your size in stock, but if you +will wait until I go and get a tape-measure, I will get you one made!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE GERMAN EMPEROR] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: AT A PROVINCIAL BANQUET + +FLUNKEY: "Excuse me, mum, but the banquet has commenced, and I can't +admit you. Them's my orders." + +SHE: "But the Mayor is here, isn't he?" + +FLUNKEY: "Oh, yes, he's here right enough." + +SHE: "Well, but I'm his lady." + +FLUNKEY: "It makes no difference, mum; I couldn't admit you if you were +his wife."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE DUC D'ORLEANS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE + +BARMAID: "I beg pardon, I have taken twopence too much. I didn't know +you were an actor. I thought you were only a gentleman!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THREE MEN IN A BOOT] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A FRIEND IN NEED + +INVALID: "I sometimes feel inclined to blow my brains out." + +FRIEND: "I shouldn't advise you to try it, old chap, you know you're a +bad shot, and there's nothing much to aim at!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: COUSIN JANE: "I want ma to have her portrait painted. Who +would you recommend?" + +COUSIN GEORGE: "Stacy Marks."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MRS. BESANT] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: AN UPRIGHT COURSE + +PARSON: "Tell me, my good man, do you know the way to heaven?" + +OLD CANTANKEROUS (_who doesn't like parsons_): "Well, I sh'd think if +you was to follow your nose, it 'ud be a short cut!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. HENRY GEORGE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A BENEVOLENT CONNOISSEUR + +"You are!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +SIR CHARLES EWAN SMITH] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE SANDS + +MACHINE MAN (_to bather who has been complaining that he was not taken +out far enough_): "Why, lor bless yer, Sir, I once know'd a man who +could dive in two foot of water." + +BATHER: "And where's he buried?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: WOMANLY + +FIRST PHILANTHROPIST: "Cannot we start a society for the employment of +the poor Russian Jews?" + +SECOND DITTO: "Well, you see, what could they do? You know that they +can't speak English." + +FIRST DITTO: "Oh, get them something to do on the railway, to call out +the names of the stations, for instance."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. ARTHUR ROBERTS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: OUR CLIMATE + +"Look here, that barometer you sold me a month ago has got out of order, +it won't work." + +"Well, you see, sir, look what a lot of wear and tear 'e's 'ad +lately."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +SIR GEORGE NEWNES] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: CHEEK + +URCHIN: "Hi, governor, remember the warning afore yer starts!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +SIR GEORGE DIBBS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: INFORMATION WANTED + +FAT PARTY: "Say, boy, do my boots want cleaning?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. HORACE SEDGER] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: FRENCH, AS SHE IS SPOKE + +FRENCH PROFESSOR: "How would you pronounce t-o-u-t-a-f-a-i-t?" + +PUPIL: "Totty Fay."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE MARQUIS OF QUEENSBERRY] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: HARD LINES + +DAY POLICEMAN: (_relieving night-man_): "How's the missus?" + +NIGHT POLICEMAN: "I don't know. 'Aven't seen her for ten years." + +DAY POLICEMAN: "But ye're living together, aren't yer?" + +NIGHT POLICEMAN: "Yes, but she's a charwoman, an' is out all day, an' +I'm out all night. So we've never met since we came back from our +honeymoon."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. W. T. STEAD] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: MUTUAL CONSIDERATION + +ART CRITIC: "What do you think of Alma Cadmium's painting?" + +ARTIST: "Oh, I think it is superb." + +ART CRITIC: "I'm surprised to hear you say that. _He_ says just the +reverse of yours." + +ARTIST: "Ah, well, perhaps we're both mistaken!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. WILLIAM MORRIS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: BRITONS IN PARIS + +FIRST ENGLISHMAN: "Where shall we go?" + +SECOND ENGLISHMAN (_who does not know that 'relache' means that the +piece is taken off_): "Let's go to the Eden and see 'Relache'!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +SIR HENRY PARKES] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: READY FOR THE BALL + +"Phwell and phwat do ye think of me, darlint?" + +"Shure ye look jist illigent, but I phwish it wur a mask ball!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +LORD DUFFERIN] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: BEFORE HIS FRIENDS + +BROWN (_who likes to be thought a swell, and who has been entrusted with +a friend's brougham for the night_): "Home, John." + +JOHN: "Where's that, sir?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +SIR AUGUSTUS HARRIS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: SAINTLY POLITENESS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +SIR EDWARD LAWSON] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: OH, LISTEN TO A TALE OF "WO"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. RUDYARD KIPLING] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE NEW JEW + +"And so you're going to marry a Christian and disgrace your poor old +father." + +"Yeth, but I'm goin' to change my name to Smith." + +"But what are you goin' to do with _that_ nose?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: "Oh, I say! Ain't 'e in a bloomin' 'urry; 'e wants to git +there before the 'orse."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: "Yes, I was three months in the desert, with nothing to +drink but camel's milk." + +"Didn't it give you the _hump_!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE RIGHT HON. W. V. HARCOURT, M.P.] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES + +PIOUS FRIEND: "Dear me, I'm sorry to see you coming out of a +public-house, Mr. Brown." + +"Couldn't help it, ole fel' (_hic_), I was chucked out!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MONSIEUR ERNEST RENAN] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A PAIR OF SOILED KIDS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: LIP. + +NEW ARRIVAL (_in Australia_): "What's good for mosquitoes?" + +RESIDENT: "You are!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE LATE LORD RANDOLPH CHURCHILL] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE CAPE MAIL + +CLERK: "The letter is too heavy. It will require an extra stamp." + +SHE: "Won't that make it heavier?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +LORD RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: "What the deuce are you smoking, old chap?" + +"Well, you see, the doctor has limited me to one cigar a day!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. H. M. STANLEY] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: INFORMATION + +OBLIGING DRIVER (_to country visitor, who is trying to see London from +the top of a 'bus in an intense fog_): "That there's the Halbert +Memorial, but you can't see it!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +LORD ALINGTON] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: INQUISITIVE + +"Oh, ma! Are those what they call sea legs?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A HOWLING SWELL] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE RT. HON. A. J. BALFOUR, M.P.] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: AN IDLE FELLOW + +VISITOR: "I hear you've had the celebrated Mr. Abbey, the artist, +staying with you down here." + +PROPRIETOR OF OLD-FASHIONED INN: "Yes, sir, an' he be the _laziest_ man +I ever came across. He do nothing but dror and paint all day!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE L1,000 PER NIGHT-INGALE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: GRANDPAPA (_to Tommy, who has just come home from +school_): "And did you get a good place in your class at the last +examination?" + +TOMMY: "Yes; next to the stove."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: POODLES] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A PLEASANT PROSPECT + +"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?" + +"Yes, my dear, if you're good."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +THE RT. HON. W. E. GLADSTONE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE SANDS + +"Lor', 'Arry, ain't it 'ot?" + +"Well, sit down, an' I'll blow yer."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, M.P.] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: REALISM + +COMEDIAN: "The critic of the _Back Alley Chronicle_ described me as +giving a very 'saponaceous' rendering to my part. What does +'saponaceous' mean, dear boy?" + +TRAGEDIAN (_with learned dignity_): "Cudgel not thy brains with words +higher than thy bloomin' salary."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MONSIEUR EMILE ZOLA] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: AT THE RIDING SCHOOL + +NERVOUS PUPIL: "When do you think I shall go on the road?" + +RIDING MASTER: "Very soon, if you don't sit better than that."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +LORD TENNYSON] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: NO CHANCE + +"Always take care of your money, my son." + +"I can't, you never give me any."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: SHE: "But I really thought you were much taller than you +are, Mr. Smith." + +HE: "Oh, no! Not a bit, I assure you!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A PROMINENT FEATURE + +"Hillo, Bill! What's the matter with your nose?" + +"I don't know. Think my conscience must have pricked it."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +SIR BLUNDELL MAPLE, M.P.] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: FORCE OF HABIT + +PRISON PHOTOGRAPHER (_who has just obtained the post, to sitter, who is +about to undergo twenty years' penal servitude_): "Now sir, look +pleasant!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. ALBERT CHEVALIER] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE UNKINDEST CUT + +HE: "I grew a beard and moustache for ten years, and I forgot what I was +like without, so I just shaved to see." + +SHE: "And weren't you shocked?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: "Hillo, Bill--blind again?" + +"I beg pardon, I'm not blind at all; asha-matterer-fac, I can see +twiche-ash-much as you."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: "Say, would you be so stupid as to lend me 5s.?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: IN HER WAR-PAINT] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: FAST AND LOOSE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: OBVIOUS] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: MONSIEUR SARDOU] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: PLEASANT MEMORIES + +"Ah, it's many a day since I 'ad it!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: SHE: "It must be a dreadful thing to become old and ugly. +I should much prefer to die young." + +HE: "You'll have to hurry up then!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: "I have a Song to Sing O."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. BEERBOHM TREE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: A NASTY ONE + +WRYMUG: "I assure you the blamed fog was so thick I couldn't find the +way to my own mouth." + +QUIZZER: "What! When it's just round the corner!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +GENERAL BOOTH] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: NEW USE FOR A CLOTHES-PEG + +HOW TO OBTAIN A GOOD FRENCH ACCENT] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: MISTRESS (_to new cook_): "Now are you sure you have had +experience?" + +COOK: "Oh, yes, mum! I've been in 'undreds of places."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: PICKSOME + +LITTLE SPRIGGINS: "Yes, we always dine at a private table. You see, my +wife is so fond of picking bones." + +OLD JOKER: "I suppose that's why she picked you."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +LORD MAYOR SAVORY] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE WRONG SHOP + +(_Carol singing in Hatton Garden_) "Christians Awake!"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: BAKERS' STRIKE + + They've recently discovered that they'll never want a feed + As long as they think fit to _loaf_ the less our bread we _knead_.] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: SHE: Oh, John, we're next the engine." + +HE: "Never mind, we'll get there all the quicker."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE BOY: "Grandpa, is a Jewess a She-brew?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: SAVAGE SOUTH AFRICA + +"A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE NORTH POLE] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: SUGGESTIVE + +SMALL BOY: "Hi! Can you spare a _copper_?"] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: LEG-ISLATION] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: INTELLIGENCE DEPARTMENT + +YOKEL: "Say, sir, does I put this 'er stamp on meself?" + +POST-ASSISTANT: "On yourself. No, on the letter, you booby."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE CONSUMING PASSION + +"Have you heard that Jones has given up 'booze'?" + +"No, I wouldn't believe it." + +"But he has, and he's dead."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: THE DOWN TRAIN + +CROSSING SWEEPER: "'Ere, if you're goin' to sweep the bloomin' +crossin' yerself, I'm hoff."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: RETIRED BURGLAR: "Oh, my son! Always remember that it is +wrong to steal on Sunday."] + +--------------------------------------- + +[Illustration: ON THE BRAIN + +MR. PUNCH] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Phil May Album, by Phil May + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHIL MAY ALBUM *** + +***** This file should be named 37767.txt or 37767.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/7/6/37767/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Linda Hamilton, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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