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diff --git a/37667.txt b/37667.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e0dbf7 --- /dev/null +++ b/37667.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4795 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Three Hours after Marriage, by +John Gay and Alexander Pope and John Arbuthnot + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Three Hours after Marriage + +Author: John Gay + Alexander Pope + John Arbuthnot + +Editor: John Harrington Smith + +Release Date: October 8, 2011 [EBook #37667] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THREE HOURS AFTER MARRIAGE *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Joseph Cooper and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + + + _JOHN GAY_, _ALEXANDER POPE_ + _JOHN ARBUTHNOT_ + + THREE HOURS AFTER MARRIAGE + + + Edited, with an + Introduction, by + John Harrington Smith + + + Publication Number 91-92 + + + William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + University of California + Los Angeles + 1961 + + + + + GENERAL EDITORS + + Richard C. Boys, _University of Michigan_ + Ralph Cohen, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + Vinton A. Dearing, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + Lawrence Clark Powell, _Clark Memorial Library_ + + + ADVISORY EDITORS + + John Butt, _University of Edinburgh_ + James L. Clifford, _Columbia University_ + Arthur Friedman, _University of Chicago_ + Louis A. Landa, _Princeton University_ + Samuel H. Monk, _University of Minnesota_ + Everett T. Moore, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + James Sutherland, _University College, London_ + H. T. Swedenberg, Jr., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + + CORRESPONDING SECRETARY + + Edna C. Davis, _Clark Memorial Library_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +It is a privilege to have a part in this reprint of what is certainly +one of the wittiest plays in the language, and one of the most +neglected.[A] Its tripartite authorship and raffish character have +encouraged editors to bypass it. The 1717 London edition and Dublin +reprint the same year bore no author's name on the title-page, but as +Gay signed the Advertisement one would think his editors would have felt +it somewhat incumbent on them to keep the play alive. However, so far as +I have been able to discover, only the 1795 collected edition of Gay +does its duty in this respect, and the editor of Gay's plays in the +Abbey Classics (2 vols., 1923) refused to admit it there, claiming that +though "this justly abused piece" had been ascribed to Gay, "the authors +of the greater part were Pope and Arbuthnot." _Three Hours_ has fared +somewhat better as a work of Pope, but interest in reprinting it under +his aegis seems to have died out early in the nineteenth century, where +the Twickenham Edition (VI, 180) locates two collections of writings +attached to Pope that include it--very far to the back of the volume in +each case. Since then, nothing, except for a few scraps in G. C. Faber's +_Poetical Works of Gay_, 1926. + + [A] Since this introduction was written the _Johnsonian News Letter_ + for June 1961 has announced that an edition of _Three Hours_ is + being prepared and may be expected to appear at an early date. It is + gratifying to learn that the play is receiving this attention and I + hope that this reprint may be of use to the editors in their task. + +Not much can be done with the play in the space here available, but +neither is a complete treatment attempted. Our purpose is to dispel the +impression that _Three Hours_ is "dull"[1] (or so risque that in the +public interest it should be kept from general circulation) and to bring +it to the attention of more scholars. Certainly the present discussion +does not aim to pre-empt the possibilities for study; much will remain +to conquer still-for example, the knotty problem of which author wrote +precisely which parts of the play, if anyone wants to try an untangling +here--I prefer to think it a collaboration through and through, though +some tracks of individuals may be made out. + + [1] Thus the editor of the Cambridge _Pope_ in his headnote to the + prologue; one wonders whether he had read the play or was merely + going on hearsay. + +In the selection of the text to be reproduced for this series the first +edition (somewhat unexpectedly) had competition, not from the London +1757 _Supplement_ to Pope's works, but from the version of the play +given in the three Dublin printings of the collection of this title: +1757, 1758, 1761. The Dublin play is not merely a debased version of +1717: it is in five acts, 1717 in three, and it contains a sentence of +dialogue that 1717 does not: these differences, when taken in +conjunction with the prefatory remarks that Gay wrote for the 1717 +printing, made it possible to determine (readers will find the argument +set forth further on, in a note to the Advertisement) that Dublin, +though printed so long after the event (and somewhat butchered by the +type-setter, we admit, but corrections of his worst misreadings and +typos will be found in the notes) dates from the year 1717 just as the +other does, was the script used in the production of the play, and +actually was the one that Gay thought Lintot would use in the edition he +published. The other consideration inclining us toward the Dublin +version of the play was that only in its printings can one get the Key +and Letter which, a number of years ago, George Sherburn had in a copy +of 1761 and used with such striking effect in his article on the +"Fortunes and Misfortunes" of the play;[2] he quoted liberally from both +documents but they seemed to us so interesting as to be worth putting +into the reader's hands entire. + + [2] _MP_, XXIV (1926), 91-109. + +Thus it boiled down to a choice between the two earlier Dublin +printings; 1761, it seemed, would not need to be checked. The kindness +of the Harvard College Library made it possible to compare its copy of +1757 with the Clark Library's copy of 1758, and in the light of the data +furnished by the Clark's Supervising Bibliographer, Mr. William E. +Conway, the Clark copy could be settled upon; the differences, though +slight--there was little resetting from 1757 to 1758, and none in the +play proper--were in its favor. + +Any study of the play must begin with Professor Sherburn's article--it +is still indispensable, factually--but in its findings scholars have +perhaps let it influence them more than they should have. John Wilson +Bowyer was exceptional in challenging one of its identifications[3] +(successfully, I thought); perhaps the time has now come for +re-examining some of its other theses--for example, the doctrine (which +has become so firmly embedded in the scholarship on the play) that the +authors intended the role of Plotwell as a satire on Cibber. This was +suggested at the time in the _Key_ to the play by E. Parker, but any +charge brought by this person might well have been looked at askance; +for, whoever he was, he was avowedly a champion of "that elaborate +Gentleman," "the learned Dr. W--d---d" (Woodward, one of the real +people attacked in the play) and might be suspected of hoping to cause +an embroilment. It seems clear that prior to the play's premiere there +was no rift between the management at Drury Lane and the authors. Parker +says that they were constantly in attendance at rehearsals, and our +Letter (p. 216) avers that they were more than satisfied with what +Cibber was doing with their work. It rings true; the line attributed to +Gay, "We dug the ore, but he [Cibber] refined the gold" exaggerates +greatly no doubt, but seems beyond the powers of our female informant to +have contrived in support of a thesis. An atmosphere of happy optimism +prevailed; Lintot (Parker says) predicted that the play "would surprize +the whole Town," and it was reported that he had given 50 guineas for +the publishing rights (this item from John Durant Breval--signing +himself "Joseph Gay"--p. 30 of _The Confederates_, 1717).[4] + + [3] In _The Celebrated Mrs. Centlivre_ (1952). Sherburn had + contended that Phoebe Clinket in the play was aimed at Mrs. + Centlivre rather than at Lady Winchilsea as the tradition had it. + Bowyer pins the satire to Lady Winchilsea once more and it seems + this must be generally correct; the reference in the epilogue to + "our well-bred poetess" seems intended for Lady Winchilsea rather + than for Mrs. Centlivre. + + [4] The report was not far wrong--the amount that Lintot paid Gay, + on January 8, was L43, 2s, 6d (Nichols, _Literary Anecdotes_, VIII + (1814), 296). + +That in all this sweetness and light there should have been a plan to +make Cibber ridiculous, and he too stupid to realize this until he had +trod the stage as Plotwell and felt the impact of the lines directed at +him personally, is unbelievable on the face of it. How could the alleged +plotters have been sure that when Colley came to cast the play he would +not frustrate their deep-laid plan by assigning Plotwell to some other +actor, if only by mere chance? + +The theory has fed on some misreadings of the play that must have an end +put to them if this ghost is to be laid. If the reader, then, will +pardon the obviousness of the following, it is true that Cibber wrote +plays, but the name Plotwell should not be taken in this sense, but +merely as suggesting the gallant skilled in the stratagems which, in the +older comedies, males of this class had been accustomed to use in their +cuckolding operations. Plotwell in the play has never set pen to paper +except for notes sent to wives, and he is not an "actor-manager" or the +like. He and Underplot are simply gentlemen who spend so much of their +time in intrigues in real life that they would have no time for +play-writing.[5] In the part of _Three Hours_ that has led scholars down +this false path--the scene in which the manuscript is judged by Sir +Tremendous and the players--it must be kept in mind that the actual +author of the work being dismembered is Phoebe Clinket, not Plotwell, +who, since he is merely fronting for her, is enabled to meet such +strictures as "Between you and I, this gentleman knows nothing of +poetry" with perfect sang-froid; it is Phoebe whose withers are +comically wrung. Thus there was nothing in the part to offend Cibber, +much less can resentment on his part be deduced from the intermission of +the play after the seventh night.[6] + + [5] See the excellent comment on the pair in our Key, p. 212. + + [6] To charge him, as one authority has done, with "an arbitrary + withdrawal of _Three Hours_ after a far from unsuccessful week ... + an invidious, if not unwarrantable, decision on his part" betrays an + imperfect understanding of how a theater had to be managed in the + early 18th century when the number of patrons upon which it could + rely was limited. A play would run as long as it continued to draw; + when the house began to fall off a new bill would have to be + announced. The intermitting of _Three Hours_ should be most + naturally read as suggesting that at least in the judgment of the + managers its initial vogue had passed. It would have been brought + back when they thought patrons were ready to see it again--say, in a + couple of months. + +The squabble involving Pope, Gay, and Cibber must have begun with the +latter's allusion to our play in the revival of _The Rehearsal_ on +February 7, a couple of weeks after _Three Hours_ had closed. Cibber's +version of how it happened may be read in the Letter (pp. 217-218 +below); our female correspondent sympathized with him and deleted a few +expressions indicative of animus on his part, but on the whole the quote +as she gives it is a reasonable facsimile of what he had said in the +_Letter to Pope_ (1742). His disclaimer of an intent to offend is +believable in the light of what we have just seen as to how Plotwell +should be read in the play; on the other side, Pope's anger at the +gag--though not any visit by him to Cibber, that is true--is attested +both by Breval and by "Timothy Drub" (_A Letter to Mr. John Gay_, 1717) +who agree that Pope was the one principally offended and that it was he +who sent Gay with instructions to trounce "that impudent Dog C----r" +(this line from Drub's pamphlet). Why may not Pope have been angry +enough to seek out Cibber himself on the impulse of the moment? It seems +feeble to doubt Cibber's testimony on the grounds that he had not told +the story prior to 1742; he had not previously told the tale of the +youthful Pope in a bagnio, either, yet the authorities think there might +be something to this--if to the one tale, why not to the other? As to +the account the lady gives of the scuffle between Gay and Cibber, it was +widely known at the time that there had been some sort of angry meeting +between them; her story is highly colored but nonetheless may be +substantially true.[7] + + [7] She says that the fracas occurred on the fourth evening of _The + Rehearsal_, and at least this revival did have a fourth performance, + five in fact: Emmett L. Avery in _The London Stage_ (1960) gives the + dates as February 7, 8, 20, March 21, 28. There is a slight + difficulty in assigning Gay's visit to the fourth of these, i.e., + March 21: this is that the dates on which the two pamphlets that + refer to it were advertised ("just before March 1" for Drub's, and + March 30 for Breval's--Sherburn, p. 91) seem to rule out a March 21 + fracas in the one case and to fall uncomfortably close in the other. + But publication (of course) though announced, may have been delayed, + and it is perhaps worth noticing that in each pamphlet Gay's visit + is mentioned in an inorganic part of the work that could have been + added late: the Dedication in Drub's, and, in Breval's, an ironical + "congratulatory poem" printed after the epilogue, on the last two + pages of the book. + +This quarrel, whether with both poets involved with Cibber or only one, +doubtless cost the play a revival or two that it would otherwise have +had; with such evidence of anger in the authors Cibber could well have +wished to have done with them and their work. The use of the crocodile +costume on April 2 in a dance at Drury Lane entitled _The Shipwreck_ +suggests that so far as the management was concerned the play for which +it had been devised would not be acted again. Thereafter, _Three Hours_ +had only two revivals (Handlist of Plays in Nicoll, _Early +Eighteenth-Century Drama_)--one in 1737 (two performances) the other in +1746 (three). + +A pity! But in any case the play could not have had much of a life on +the stage, considering the climate into which the authors chose to +introduce it. The type of wit that had flourished in the former age did +still hold a place in the theatre in 1717, but only in such comedies as +had already won a place in the repertory.[8] The older plays could be +"corrected" (that is, the racier lines could be taken out) or the +tender-minded could tolerate them as classics or in a pinch stay at home +when a play known to be of this sort had been announced. A new play was +in a more vulnerable position; it had to conform to what the reformers +had for a couple of decades been telling audiences a play should be, or +squalls could be expected. Sir Richard Blackmore was continuing the +crusade against scapegrace wit--in the Preface to his _Essays_, 1717, he +is explicitly severe upon _Three Hours_ and its authors--and the battle +was going his way. Jeremy Collier had published nothing on the theatre +for nearly a decade but it is interesting to see his methods applied to +the play by Timothy Drub in his _Letter to Gay_ and Drub then clinching +his remarks with a quote of two pages from "a very elegant author" whom +he does not name but who--not too surprisingly--can be recognized as +Collier himself.[9] (Could "Drub" have been, in fact, Collier, thus +tempted by _Three Hours_ to return to the fray under this alias?) + + [8] During the year prior to the premiere of _Three Hours_ the + following had been seen on the London stage twice each or more + (selection only: based on Avery, op. cit.): _The Comical Revenge_, + _Man of Mode_, _Country Wife_, _Plain-Dealer_, _London Cuckolds_, + _Old Bachelor_, _Relapse_. _City Politicks_, a play from which our + authors took some hints, was revived in the July after the closure + of _Three Hours_; it ran three performances (i.e., successfully). + But it should be recalled that the most recent of the eight plays + here mentioned--Vanbrugh's--had been in the repertory twenty years. + + [9] The quote is from the _Short View_, pp. 7-8 in the 1698 edition, + from "Obscenity in any Company is a rustick and increditable Talent" + to "But here a Man can't be a Sinner without being a Clown." + +In any event the authors must have known that they were offering to swim +against the tide but counted on their combined brilliance to win anyway. +What they wrote happens to conform to the current rules in one +respect--to paraphrase the epilogue to _Love's Last Shift_, no cuckold +is made within the limits of its three hours' time span--but this +compliance must have been accidental, for in every other respect the +play deliberately flouts the regulations as established by Collier and +his school. Obviously the authors were out to create a sensation: shock +the stodgy and respectable element, jam the play down the throats of the +audience, and win the admiration of the minority with whom libertine wit +was still in favor. + +These aims, which even a friend and well-wisher has to view as a bit on +the juvenile side, were far from fully achieved. The description that +Breval gives of the behavior of the crowd on the first night (Sherburn +quotes it, if the reader can not readily get hold of _The Confederates_) +is suggestive, not of a house packed with enemies of the authors, +friends of Dr. Woodward and John Dennis out to damn the play, but of a +crowd that had come predisposed to approve--"Silent a while th'attentive +Many sate"--but found themselves simply unable to endure the dramatic +fare set before them. The murmur that began and then grew to a hiss must +have surprised and alarmed the authors: Breval's version of how they +reacted must have a grain or two of truth in it. In the account of the +second and third nights furnished by our Key one can see matters +improving, but it is clear that to quiet the audience took heroic +efforts by the cast and there was probably some deletion of offending +lines,[10] perhaps some resort to "packing" the house.[11] This last was +a measure not infrequently taken in those days--Dr. Johnson's story of +Steele's efforts in behalf of _Cato_ will be recalled--but this was not +what the authors had anticipated. In the upshot they had dared the +unpastured dragon of reform in his den and had got away with it--but +barely. They were all right financially--the run should have brought +them two "benefits"--and there was the fee from Lintot and an added +present of guineas from those three court ladies who wanted the world to +know that they were sophisticated enough to take the play in stride. +(Pope paid them with "A Court Ballad.") Still, the pride of the authors +must have received some damage; perhaps some sensitiveness on Pope's +part is understandable. + + [10] Drub says that the actors left out "a considerable load of + Obscenity and Prophaness." Presumably the authors would have to + acquiesce in such bowdlerizing. + + [11] Breval, p. 11, and his note. + +But what the collaboration produced is truly remarkable; if there is +something of a show-off air about it the authors can be forgiven, in +view of what they had to exhibit. Though its fast pace (which flags only +toward the last) and its emphasis on intrigue may slant it toward +farce, _Three Hours_ has the vitality and verve that one finds only in +the very best English comic writing. Phoebe Clinket and Sir Tremendous +are, to me, endlessly enjoyable, and Dr. Fossile more than merely a +caricature of a now forgotten virtuoso or a lifeless counter in an +intrigue plot (though in both these respects he meets the requirements +of the part beautifully); even he has moments when the humanity shows +through--as in his plaintive line to his friends when the mummy and the +crocodile spring into movement and speech, "Gentlemen, wonder at nothing +within these walls; for ever since I was married, nothing has happened +to me in the common course of human life." Of the trio composed of Mrs. +Townley and her followers I like them all, for various reasons, but the +lady best. Once she shrieks (p. 186) but considering the circumstances +anyone would consider this justifiable; otherwise she moves through the +incredible crises of her role with a self-possession and an easy charm +and good humor that one can only admire: as if she knew it was all +nonsense but condescended to cooperate for the sake of the joke. + +Among the minor characters one deserves especial mention. It was +probably heartless of the authors to make fun of an aging and +unfortunate (if rather eccentric) lady in "poor Lady Hyppokekoana" (as +her compassionate, but, perforce, ever neglectful physician calls her) +but at least the result was esthetically satisfactory, and I beg leave +to nominate her for listing with that class of comic characters who, +though kept behind the scenes throughout, still come through +unforgettably in the reports we have of them: Mrs. Grundy in _Speed the +Plough_; Mrs. Harris in _Martin Chuzzlewit_; Dashenka in _The Cherry +Orchard_. + + John Harrington Smith + University of California + Los Angeles + + + + +NOTES + + +_Advertisement, printed exactly as it is acted._ + +In 1717 Gay continued, "for, tho' the Players in Compliance with the +Taste of the Town, broke it into five Parts in the Representation; yet, +as the Action pauses, and the Stage is left vacant but three times, so +it properly consists but of three Acts, like the _Spanish_ Comedies." +There are several puzzles here. In the first place for a three-act play +the stage should be left vacant twice rather than three times. But +setting this aside there is a contradiction which must have puzzled any +reader who has used the 1717 edition, namely that if the players broke +it into five parts and the play is printed exactly as it is acted, the +play that follows should be in five acts but actually is in three. The +London 1757 _Supplement to Pope_ merely reprints Advertisement and play +as they are in 1717 and it is not until the Dublin printings that the +play appears in the five acts in which Gay says it was acted. + +I suggest that Lintot in 1717 had two scripts of the play, one in three +acts, one in five, and that Gay wrote the Advertisement under the +impression that Lintot would discard the former. + +I judge that when W. Whitestone undertook his Dublin Supplement of 1757 +he took the Advertisement from the London book that had just been +published (see the title-page of the volume) but that when he re-issued +his book in 1758 he deleted the lines quoted above, perceiving that they +were not to the point so far as his text of the play was concerned. + +Unless we imagine Whitestone revising the play into five acts himself we +must suppose that he had got his hands on an authentic acting MS of the +play, and it seems not one from a late revival. I suspect that +Whitestone in fact had got the very MS of the play that Gay thought +Lintot was going to print; one cannot guess from where, but presumably +from the same source that supplied the Key and Letter. Besides the act +divisions the most interesting variant is a speech of a dozen words +added to Dublin; see the note to p. 183. Cibber may have put this in, or +Gay, at Cibber's request. But in either case it seems that the text +that has it is the one that Gay authorized for printing. + +By the same token, the cast as given in the present reprint (no actors' +names are given in Dublin 1757 but they must have been in the script and +in the reprint of 1758 Whitestone decided to put them in) is more +probably correct than that printed in 1717. The only differences between +the two are in five very minor roles, where, as rehearsals went on, +substitutions would be easy. All the principals are the same. + + +_Prologue._ + +Nothing to add to the Twickenham _Pope_, VI, 179-180. + + +_Dramatis Personae._ + +Five minor roles differ from 1717, as stated above. _Mrs. Bicknet._ A +misreading by the typesetter--he had never heard of Mrs. Bicknell. + + +_Play._ + + 140 _Almost three and twenty._ Mrs. Oldfield was only 34 in 1717 but + no doubt popular enough to draw a laugh by simpering at this line. + + _The office of the church ... brute beasts._ The _Book of Common + Prayer_ (1709) says of matrimony that it is not to be taken in hand + "wantonly ... like brute beasts." The fashion of alluding to the + Prayer Book in a jocose context, if it did not begin in the reign of + Charles II, was at least in vogue than; a couple of instances in + Dryden's _Wild Gallant_ will be pointed out in the Clark _Dryden_, + VIII (scheduled to appear in 1962). Another touch of "profaneness" + that Collieresque critics objected to in _Three Hours_ was the + paraphrase of Holy Writ in Sir Tremendous's line about "ten + righteous criticks," p. 153; cf. Key, p. 215. + + 141 _pistachoe-porridge._ An aphrodisiac concoction? (I apologize + for my neglect of the pharmaceutical, medical, and alchemical + jargon--J.H.S.) + + 144 _spoils of quarries._ Cf. the anecdote of Dr. Woodward in the + Key, p. 211; Parker's Key has it also, but in a less complete form. + + 145 _Shock._ Mrs. Townley's lapdog--perhaps named after Belinda's in + _Rape of the Lock_. Of course it may have been a common name for + such dogs before Pope wrote the poem; see Twickenham _Pope_, II, + 153. + + 147 _my pace and my honour._ 1717, "Peace." + + 148 _forgive thee, if thou hadst ... kill'd my lapdog._ Parker, with + a citation to _Rape of the Lock_, assigned this speech to Pope, and + indeed it smacks of several places in the poem, e.g., III, 157-8, + IV, 119-120. + + 150 _some ... that nauseate the smell of a rose._ Cf. _Essay on + Man_, I, 200. + + 152 _That injudicious Canaille._ In view of her bias Phoebe's + strictures on the players are of course to be taken in the directly + opposite sense. + + 155 Parker finds some double-entendres in the dialogue in which + Phoebe and Sir Tremendous compliment each other; if such there be, + the speakers are unaware of them. + + 156 _if stones were dissolved, as a late philosopher hath proved._ + In summarizing his thesis in the preface to his Essay _Toward a + Natural History of the Earth_ (1695) Dr. Woodward does say that "the + whole Terrestrial Globe was taken all to pieces and dissolved at the + Deluge, the particles of Stone ..." According to the DNB, Arbuthnot + published a criticism of this book in 1697. + + 163 The "old woman" who brings the letter from Madam Wyburn (a name + beyond all praise!): Drub, p. 18, calls her "an Old Woman without a + Nose," and objects strenuously. One dislikes siding with Drub on + anything, but this was indeed an unsavory touch, perhaps one of the + embellishments suggested by Cibber while refining the ore of the + play into gold during the rehearsal period. Our authors should have + ruled against it but they were in no mood to pull punches at this + time, though, as stated above, they had to consent to some + bowdlerizing after the first night of the play. + + 168 _a rouge in disguise._ 1717, "Rogue." + + 171 _my Mercury._ 1717, "by Mercury." + + 173 _s.d. in a chair like a sick man._ Idea from Crowne, _City + Politicks_, first acted 1682. + + 178 _fitigue._ 1717, "Fatigue." + + s.d. _powers some drops in._ 1717, "pours." + + 180 _have the any power._ 1717, "they." + + 182 Townley's concealing Plotwell under the petticoat owes to Mrs. + Behn's _The Younger Brother_ (acted 1696, not revived), Mirtilla's + hiding "Endimion" under the train of her gown in IV.ii. + + _invisible i th is very._ Typo for "in this very"; 1717 has "on this + very." Gay (or Cibber) might have changed "on" to "in" when adding + the sentence at the end of Act IV; see next note. + + 183 _But prithee ... rarities._ This sentence is not in 1717, but + seems an improvement, as it hints at developments to come and raises + the expectations of the audience. + + 186 _desarts._ 1717, "Disserts." + + _Macedonian queen._ Olympias: Underplot in his verses alludes, + mock-heroically, to the fabled begetting of Alexander the Great. + + _mantygers._ This spelling may have come from the London 1757 + _Supplement_. 1717, "Mantegers" (OED, mantegar, a kind of baboon). + + 191 _s.d. leap from their places._ Idea from Ravenscroft's _The + Anatomist_: cf. n. to 215. + + 199 _Come we may_ (5th line on page). 1717, "Come we now"--perhaps + "may" is a misreading. + + +_Epilogue._ + +_sound in living._ Perhaps another misreading: 1717, "and" for "in." + +_viol._ 1717, "vial." Perhaps another misreading. + + +_Key._ + + 212 _knights of the shires, who represent them all._ Paraphrase of a + line in Dryden's epilogue to _The Man of Mode_: a mark of literacy + in the anonymous writer of our Key. + + _Heautontimerumenos._ Self-tormentor--title of a play by Terence. + + 213 _another eminent physician's wife ... shall be nameless._ + Contemporary gossip said that the wife of Dr. Richard Mead was + meant: Parker, less considerate than the gentlemanly author of our + Key, uses her name, and in Breval (p. 15) Mrs. Oldfield is made to + wish that she had not "mimick'd Mrs. M--d" in her role as Mrs. + Townley. But it seems likely that any mimicry would be in the mind + of the audience rather than in Mrs. Oldfield's performance, or for + that matter, the intention of the authors. + + 214 _Marriage not to be undertaken wantonly._ The Key is incorrect + in citing the Jonson play; see note to p. 140, above. + + 215 _letters ... Cocu imaginaire._ None of our Key-writer's + adducings of Moliere is really in point. The hint for the letters + came from Act V of anon., _The Apparition_, acted twice in 1713. The + same play has an intriguing valet named Plotwell; here our authors + found the name for one of their gallants--Underplot was a happy + invention of their own. + + _Lubomirski ... in Lopez de Vega_. Parker (p. 9) is correct in + tracing this impersonation of Plotwell's to Ravenscroft's _The + Anatomist, or the Sham Doctor_; the same farce suggested the anxiety + of the disguised gallants at the proposals to dissect them in Act V. + Ravenscroft's play, first acted in 1696, was popular well into the + 18th century and would be well known to the audience. No doubt our + authors expected their play to be found infinitely funnier than + Ravenscroft's in the comparable parts. It is. + + _Theatre Italien._ Parker (p. 14) says more explicitly that + the mummy-crocodile scene is "all stole from a farce" in this + collection. Gherardi, vol. VI, does have a farce of the title cited + but the only trace of it in _Three Hours_ occurs in the brief joke + on Antony and Cleopatra that Townley and Plotwell share on p. 185. + + + + + A + SUPPLEMENT + TO THE + WORKS + OF + ALEXANDER POPE, Esq; + CONTAINING, + Such POEMS, LETTERS, _&c._ + + As are omitted in the Edition published + by the Reverend Doctor _Warburton_: + + With the COMEDY of the + THREE HOURS after MARRIAGE; + And a KEY to the LETTERS: + To which is added, (not in the _London_ Edition) + A KEY to the THREE HOURS after + MARRIAGE, + + And a LETTER giving an Account of the + Origin of the Quarrel between CIBBER, + POPE, and GAY. + + _DUBLIN:_ + Printed for W. WHITESTONE, opposite _Dick's + Coffee-House_, in _Skinner-Row_. + M.DCC.LVIII. + + + + +_Three Hours after_ + +MARRIAGE: + +A + +COMEDY. + + +_Rumpatur, quisquis rumpitur invidia._ MART. + + + + +ADVERTISEMENT. + + +It may be necessary to acquaint the reader, that this play is printed +exactly as it is acted. + +I must farther own the assistance I have receiv'd in this piece from two +of my friends; who, tho' they will not allow me the honour of having +their names join'd with mine, cannot deprive me of the pleasure of +making this acknowledgment. + +JOHN GAY. + + + + +PROLOGUE + +Spoke by MR. WILKS. + + + _Authors are judg'd by strange capricious rules, + The great ones are thought mad, the small ones fools. + Yet sure the best are most severely fated, + For fools are only laugh'd at, wits are hated, + Blockheads with reason, men of sense abhor; + But fool 'gainst fool is barb'rous civil war. + Why on all authors then should critics fall? + Since some have writ, and shewn no wit at all. + Condemn a play of theirs, and they evade it, + Cry, damn not us, but damn the French that made it; + By running goods, these graceless owlers gain, + Theirs are the rules of France, the plots of Spain: + But wit, like wine, from happier climates brought, + Dash'd by these rogues, turns English common draught: + They pall Moliere's and Lopez sprightly strain, + And teach dull Harlequins to grin in vain. + How shall our author hope a gentle fate, + Who dares most impudently----not translate. + It had been civil in these ticklish times, + To fetch his fools and knaves from foreign climes;_ + Spaniards and French abuse to the worlds' end + But spare old England, lest you hurt a friend. + If any fool is by your satire bit, + Let him hiss loud, to show you all--he's hit. + Poets make characters as salesmen cloaths, + We take no measure of your fops and beaus. + But here all sizes and all shapes ye meet, + And fit yourselves--like chaps in Monmouth-street._ + + _Gallants look here, this[B] fool's cap has an air-- + Goodly and smart,--with ears of Issachar. + Let no one fool engross it, or confine: + A common blessing! now 'tis your's, now mine. + But poets in all ages, had the Care + To keep this cap, for such as will, to wear; + Our author has it now, for ev'ry wit + Of course resign'd it to the next that writ: + And thus upon the stage 'tis fairly[C] thrown, + Let him that takes it, wear it for his own._ + + [B] Shews a cap with ears. + + [C] Flings down the cap and + + _Exit._ + + + + +Dramatis Personae. + + +MEN. + + FOSSILE, } Mr. _Johnson_. + POSSUM, } Doctors. Mr. _Corey_. + NAUTILUS, } Mr. _Cross_. + PTISAN, Apothecary. Mr. _Wright_. + PLOTWELL, Mr. _Cibber_. + UNDERPLOT, Mr. _Penkethman_. + Sir TREMENDOUS, Mr. _Bowman_. + First PLAYER, Mr. _Diggs_. + Second PLAYER, Mr. _Watson_. + SAILOR. Mr. _Bickerstaff_. + + Footmen, Servants, _&c._ + + +WOMEN. + + Mrs. TOWNLEY, Mrs. _Oldfield_. + Mrs. PHOEBE CLINKET, Mrs. _Bicknet_. + SARSNET, Mrs. _Garnet_. + PRUE. Miss _Willis_. + + + + +_Three Hours after_ + +MARRIAGE: + +A + +COMEDY. + + + +ACT I. + + + Enter FOSSILE, leading TOWNLEY. + +_Fos._ Welcome, my bride, into the habitation of thy husband. The +scruples of the parson---- + +_Town._ And the fatigue of the ceremony---- + +_Foss._ Are at last well over. + +_Town._ These blank licences are wonderful commodious.----The clergy +have a noble command, in being rangers of the park of matrimony; produce +but a warrant, and they deliver a lady into your possession: but I have +no quarrel with them, since they have put me into so good hands. + +_Foss._ I now proclaim a solemn suspension of arms between medicine and +diseases. Let distempers suspend their malignant influence, and powders, +pills, and potions their operations. Be this day sacred to my love. I +had rather hold this hand of thine, than a dutchess by the pulse. + +_Town._ And I this, than a hand of matadores. + +_Foss._ Who knows but your relations may dispute my title to your +person? come, my dear, the seal of the matrimonial bond is consummation. + +_Town._ Alas! what will become of me! + +_Foss._ Why are thy eyes fix'd on the ground? why so slow? and why this +trembling? + +_Town._ Ah! heedless creature that I was, to quit all my relations, and +trust myself alone in the hands of a strange man. + +_Foss._ Courage, thou best of my curiosities. Know that in husband, is +comprehended all relations; in me thou seest a fond father. + +_Town._ Old enough o' my conscience. + + [_Aside._ + +_Foss._ You may, you must trust yourself with me. + +_Town._ Do with me as you please: Yet sure you cannot so soon forget the +office of the church. Marriage is not to be undertaken wantonly, like +brute beasts. If you will transgress, the sin be upon your own head. + +_Foss._ Great indeed is thy virtue, and laudable is thy modesty. Thou +art a virgin, and I a philosopher; but learn, that no animal action, +_quatenus animal_, is unbecoming of either of us. But hold! where am I +going? Prithee, my dear, of what age art thou? + +_Town._ Almost three and twenty. + +_Foss._ And I almost at my grand climacterick. What occasion have I for +a double-night at these years? She may be an Alcmena, but alas! I am no +thunderer. + + [_Aside_ + +_Town._ You seem somewhat disturb'd; I hope you are well, Mr. Fossile. + +_Foss._ What business have I in the bed-chamber, when the symptoms of +age are upon me? Yet hold, this is the famous corroborative of Crollius; +in this vial are included sons and daughters. Oh, for a draught of the +_aqua magnanimitatis_ for a vehicle! fifty drops of _liquid laudanum_ +for her dose would but just put us upon a _par_. _Laudanum_ would settle +the present ataxy of her animal spirits, and prevent her being too +watchful. + + [_aside_ + + + Enter a Servant. + +_Serv._ Sir, your pistachoe-porridge is ready. + + [_Exit._ + +_Foss._ Now I think of it, my dear; Venus, which is in the first degree +of Capricorn, does not culminate till ten; an hour if astrology is not +fallible, successful in generation. + +_Town._ I am all obedience, Sir. + +_Foss._ How shall I reward thee for so much Goodness? let our wedding as +yet be a secret in the family. In the mean time I'll introduce my niece +Phoebe Clinket to your acquaintance: but alas, the poor girl has a +procidence of the pineal gland, which has occasioned a rupture in her +understanding. I took her into my house to regulate my oeconomy; but +instead of puddings, she makes pastorals; or when she should be raising +paste, is raising some ghost in a new tragedy. In short, my house is +haunted by all the underling players, broken booksellers, half-voic'd +singing-masters, and disabled dancing-masters in town. In a former will +I had left her my estate; but I now resolve that heirs of my own +begetting shall inherit. Yonder she comes in her usual occupation. Let +us mark her a while. + + + _Enter Clinket and her maid bearing a writing-desk on her back. + Clinket writing, her head dress stain'd with ink, and pens + stuck in her hair._ + +_Maid._ I had as good carry a raree-show about the streets. Oh! how my +back akes! + +_Clink._ What are the labours of the back to those of the brain? thou +scandal to the muses. I have now lost a thought worth a folio, by thy +impertinance. + +_Maid._ Have not I got a crick in my back already, that will make me +good for nothing, with lifting your great books? + +_Clink._ Folio's, call them, and not great books, thou monster of +impropriety: But have patience, and I will remember the three +gallery-tickets I promis'd thee at my new tragedy. + +_Maid._ I shall never get my head-cloaths clear-starch'd at this rate. + +_Clink._ Thou destroyer of learning, thou worse than a book-worm; thou +hast put me beyond all patience. Remember how my lyrick ode bound about +a tallow-candle; thy wrapping up snuff in an epigram; nay, the unworthy +usage of my hymn to Apollo, filthy creature! read me the last lines I +writ upon the deluge, and take care to pronounce them as I taught you. + +_Maid._ + + Swell'd with a dropsy, sickly nature lies, + And melting in a diabetes, dies. + + [_Reads with an affected tone._ + +_Clink._ Still without cadence! + +_Maid._ Swell'd with a dropsy---- + +_Clink._ Hold. I conceive---- + + The roaring seas o'er the tall woods have broke, + And whales now perch upon the sturdy oak. + +Roaring? stay. Rumbling, roaring, rustling, no; raging seas. + + [_Writing._ + + The raging seas o'er the tall woods have broke, + Now perch, thou whale, upon the sturdy oak. + +Sturdy oak? no; steady, strong, strapping, stiff. Stiff? no, stiff is +too short. + + + FOSSILE and TOWNLEY come forward. + + What feast for fish! Oh too luxurious treat! + When hungry dolphins feed on butchers meat. + +_Foss._ Niece, why niece, niece? oh, Melpomene, thou goddess of tragedy, +suspend thy influence for a moment, and suffer my niece to give me a +rational answer. This lady is a friend of mine; her present +circumstances oblige her to take sanctuary in my house; treat her with +the utmost civility. Let the tea-table be made ready. + +_Clink._ Madam, excuse this absence of mind; my animal spirits had +deserted the avenues of my senses, and retired to the recesses of the +brain, to contemplate a beautiful idea. I could not force the vagrant +creatures back again into their posts, to move those parts of the body +that express civility. + +_Town._ A rare affected creature this! if I mistake not, flattery will +make her an useful tool for my purpose. + + [_Aside._ + + [_Exeunt_ Townley, Clinket, _and_ Maid. + +_Foss._ Her jewels, her strong box, and all her things left behind! if +her uncle should discover her marriage, he may lay an embargo upon her +goods.----I'll send for them. + + + Enter a boy with a letter. + +_Boy._ This is the ho-ho-house. + +_Foss._ Child, whom dost thou want? + +_Boy._ Mistress Townley's ma-ma-maid. + +_Foss._ What is your business? + +_Boy._ A l-l-letter. + +_Foss._ Who sent this letter? + +_Boy._ O-o-one. + +_Foss._ Give it me, child. An honest boy. Give it me, and I'll deliver +it myself. A very honest boy. + +_Boy._ So. + + [_Exit boy._ + +_Foss._ There are now no more secrets between us. Man and wife are one. + + 'Madam, either I mistake the encouragement I have had, or I am to + be happy to-night. I hope the same person will compleat her good + offices: I stand to articles. The ring is a fine one; and I shall + have the pleasure of putting it on the first time.' + + This from your impatient, R. P. + +In the name of Beelzebub, what is this? encouragement! happy to-night! +same person! good offices! whom hast thou married, poor Fossile? couldst +thou not still divert thyself with the spoils of quarries and coal-pits, +thy serpents and thy salamanders, but thou must have a living monster +too! 'sdeath! what a jest shall I be to our club! is there no rope among +my curiosities? shall I turn her out of doors, and proclaim my infamy; +or lock her up and bear my misfortunes? lock her up! impossible. One may +shut up volatile spirits, pen up the air, confine bears, lyons and +tygers, nay, keep even your gold: but a wanton wife, who can keep? + + + Enter TOWNLEY. + +_Town._ Mrs. Clinket's play is to be read this morning at the tea-table: +will you come and divert yourself, Sir? + +_Foss._ No: I want to be alone. + +_Town._ I hope my company is not troublesome already. I am as yet a +bride; not a wife. [_sighs._] What means this sudden change? [_Aside._] +Consider, Mr. Fossile, you want your natural rest: the bed would refresh +you. Let me sit by you. + +_Foss._ My head akes, and the bed always makes it worse. + +_Town._ Is it hereabouts? + + [_rubbing his temples._ + +_Foss._ Too sure. + + [_Turns from her._ + +_Town._ Why so fretful, Mr. Fossile? + +_Foss._ No, I'll dissemble my passion, and pump her. [_Aside._] Excess +of joy, my dear, for my good fortune overcomes me. I am somewhat +vertiginous, I can hardly stand. + +_Town._ I hope I was ordain'd for thy support. + +_Foss._ My disorder now begins to dissipate: it was only a little +flatulency, occasion'd by something hard of digestion. But pray, my +dear, did your uncle shut you up so close from the conversation of +mankind? + +_Town._ Sarsnet and Shock were my only company. + +_Foss._ A very prudent young woman this Sarsnet; she was undoubtedly a +good and faithful friend in your solitude. + +_Town._ When it was her interest; but I made no intimacies with my +chamber-maid. + +_Foss._ But was there no lover offer'd his service to a lady in +distress. + +_Town._ Tongue, be upon thy guard: these questions must be design'd to +trap me. [_Aside._] A woman of my condition can't well escape +importunity. + +_Foss._ What was the name of that disagreeable fellow, who, you told me, +teaz'd you so? + +_Town._ His name? I think he had a thousand names. In one letter he was +Myrtillo, in another Corydon, Alexis, and I don't know what. + + + Enter SARSNET in haste to her mistress: He runs and embraces her + with great earnestness. + +_Foss._ Dear Mrs. Sarsnet, how am I oblig'd to thee for thy services: +thou hast made me happy beyond expression.----I shall find another +letter upon her. + + [_Aside._ + + [_He gets his hand into Sarsnet's pocket, as searching for + a letter._ + + [_Whenever Sarsnet goes to whisper her mistress, he gets + between them._ + + + Enter PTISAN. + +_Ptis._ Mrs. Colloquintida complains still of a dejection of appetite; +she says that the genevre is too cold for her stomach. + +_Foss._ Give her a quieting draught; but let us not interrupt one +another. Good Mr. Ptisan, we are upon business. + + [_Fossile gets between Sarsnet and Townley._ + +_Ptis._ The colonel's spitting is quite suppress'd. + +_Foss._ Give him a quieting draught. Come to morrow, Mr. Ptisan; I can +see no body till then. + +_Ptis._ Lady Varnish finds no benefit of the waters; for the pimple on +the tip of her nose still continues. + +_Foss._ Give her a quieting draught. + +_Ptis._ Mrs. Prudentia's tympany grows bigger and bigger. What, no pearl +cordial! must I quiet them all? + +_Foss._ Give them all quieting draughts, I say, or blister them all, as +you please. Your servant Mr. Ptisan. + +_Ptis._ But then lady Giddy's vapours. She calls her chamber-maids +nymphs; for she fancies herself Diana, and her husband Acteon. + +_Foss._ I can attend no patient till to morrow. Give her a quieting +draught, I say. + + [_Whenever Fossile goes to conduct Ptisan to the door, Sarsnet and + Townley attempt to whisper; Fossile gets between them, and Ptisan + takes that opportunity of coming back._ + +_Ptis._ Then, sir, there is miss Chitty of the boarding-school has taken +in no natural sustenance for this week, but a halfpeny worth of +charcoal, and one of her mittens. + +_Foss._ Sarsnet, do you wait on Mr Ptisan to the door. To morrow let my +patients know I'll visit round. + + [_A knocking at the door._ + +_Ptis._ Oh, Sir; here is a servant of the countess of Hippokekoana. The +emetick has over-wrought and she is in convulsions. + +_Foss._ This is unfortunate. Then I must go. Mr. Ptisan, my dear, has +some business with me in private. Retire into my closet a moment, and +divert yourself with the pictures. There lies your way, madam. + + [_To Sarsnet._ + + [_Exit Townley at one door and Sarsnet at the other._ + +Mr. Ptisan, pray, do you run before, and tell them I am just coming. + + [_Exit Ptisan._ + +All my distresses come on the neck of one another. Should this fellow +get to my bride before I have bedded her, in a collection of cuckolds, +what a rarity should I make! what shall I do? I'll lock her up. Lock up +my bride? my pace and my honour demand it, and it shall be so. [_Locks +the door._] Thomas, Thomas! + + + Enter footman. + +I dream't last night I was robb'd. The town is over-run with rogues. Who +knows but the rascal that sent the letter may be now in the house? +[_Aside._] Look up the chimney, search all the dark closets, the coal +hole, the flower-pots, and forget not the empty butt in the cellar. Keep +a strict watch at the door, and let no body in till my return. + + [_Exit footman. A noise at the closet-door._ + +(_within._) Who's there?----I'm lock'd in. Murder! fire! + +_Foss._ Dear madam, I beg your pardon. + + + [_Unlocks the door._ Enter TOWNLEY.] + +'Tis well you call'd. I am so apt to lock this door; an action meerly +mechanical, not spontaneous. + +_Town._ Your conduct, Mr. Fossile, for this quarter of an hour has been +somewhat mysterious. It has suggested to me what I almost blush to name; +your locking me up, confirms this suspicion. Pray speak plainly, what +has caused this alteration? + + [_Fossile shews her the letter._ + +Is this all? + + [_Gives him the letter back._ + +_Foss._ (reads) Either I mistake the encouragement I have had. What +encouragement? + +_Town._ From my uncle,----if I must be your interpreter. + +_Foss._ Or I am to be happy to night. + +_Town._ To be married.----If there can be happiness in that state. + +_Foss._ I hope the same person. + +_Town._ Parson. Only a word mis-pell'd.----Here's jealousy for you! + +_Foss._ Will compleat her good offices. A she-parson, I find! + +_Town._ He is a Welshman. And the Welsh always say her instead of his. + +_Foss._ I stand to articles. + +_Town._ Of jointure. + +_Foss._ The ring is a fine one, and I shall have the pleasure of putting +it on my self. + +_Town._ Who should put on the wedding-ring but the bridegroom. + +_Foss._ I beseech thee, pardon thy dear husband. Love and jealousy are +often companions, and excess of both had quite obnubilated the eyes of +my understanding. + +_Town._ Barbarous man! I could forgive thee, if thou hadst poison'd my +father, debauch'd my sister, kill'd my lapdog; but to murder my +reputation! + + [_Weeps._ + +_Foss._ Nay, I beseech thee, forgive me. + + [_Kneels._ + +_Town._ I do: but upon condition your jealous fit never returns. To a +jealous man a whisper is evidence, and a dream demonstration. A civil +letter makes him thoughtful, an innocent visit mad. I shall try you, +Mr. Fossile; for don't think I'll be deny'd company. + +_Foss._ Nay, prithee, my dear; I own I have abused thee. But lest my +marriage, and this simple story should take air in the neighbourhood, to +morrow we will retire into the country together, till the secret is +blown over. I am call'd to a patient. In less than half an hour I'll be +with you again, my dear. + + [_Exit Fossile._ + +_Town._ Plotwell's letter had like to have ruin'd me. 'Twas a neglect in +me, not to intrust him with the secret of my marriage. A jealous +bridegroom! every poison has its antidote; as credulity is the cause, so +it shall be the cure of his jealousy. To morrow I must be spirited away +into the country; I'll immediately let Plotwell know of my distress: and +this little time with opportunity, even on his wedding-day, shall finish +him a compleat husband. Intrigue assist me! and I'll act a revenge that +might have been worthy the most celebrated wife in Boccace. + + + Enter PLOTWELL and CLINKET. + +Hah! Plotwell! which way got he hither? I must caution him to be upon +his guard. + +_Plot._ Madam, I am agreeably surpriz'd to find you here. + +_Town._ Me, Sir? you are certainly mistaken, for I don't remember I ever +saw you before. + +_Plot._ Madam, I beg your pardon. How like a truth sounds a lye from the +tongue of a fine woman. + + [_Aside._ + +_Clink._ This, Madam, is Mr. Plotwell; a Gentleman who is so infinitely +obliging, as to introduce my play on the theatre, by fathering the +unworthy issue of my muse, at the reading it this morning. + +_Plot._ I should be proud, madam, to be a real father to any of your +productions. + +_Clink._ Mighty just. Ha, ha, ha. You know, Mr. Plotwell, that both a +parrot and a player can utter human sounds, but we allow neither of them +to be a judge of wit. Yet some of those people have had the assurance to +deny almost all my performances the privilege of being acted. Ah! what a +_Gout de travers_ rules the understanding of the illiterate! + +_Plot._ There are some, madam, that nauseate the smell of a rose. + + [_Whenever Plotwell and Townley endeavour to talk, she interrupts + them._ + +_Clink._ If this piece be not rais'd to the sublime, let me henceforth +be stigmatiz'd as a reptile in the dust of mediocrity. I am persuaded, +Sir, your adopted child will do you no dishonour. + +_Town._ Pray, madam, what is the subject? + +_Clink._ Oh! beyond every thing. So adapted for tragical machines! so +proper to excite the passions! not in the least encumber'd with +episodes! the vraysemblance and the miraculous are linkt together with +such propriety. + +_Town._ But the subject, madam? + +_Clink._ The universal Deluge, I chose that of Deucalion and Pyrrha, +because neither our stage nor actors are hallow'd enough for sacred +story. + +_Plot._ But, madam---- + + [_To Townley._ + +_Clink._ What just occasion for noble description! these players are +exceeding dilatory. + +--In the mean time, Sir, shall I be oblig'd to you and this lady for the +rehearsal of a scene that I have been just touching up with some lively +strokes. + +_Town._ I dare assure you, madam, it will be a pleasure to us both. I'll +take this occasion to inform you of my present circumstances. + + [_To Plotwell._ + +_Clink._ Imagine Deucalion and Pyrrha in their boat. They pass by a +promontory, where stands prince Haemon a former lover of Pyrrah's, ready +to be swallowed up by the devouring flood. She presses her husband to +take him into the boat. Your part, Sir, is Haemon; the lady personates +Pyrrha; and I represent Deucalion. To you, Sir. + + [_Gives Plotwell the manuscript._ + +_Plot._ What ho, there sculler! + + [_reads._ + +_Town._ ----Haemon! + +_Plot._ ----Yes, 'tis Haemon! + +_Town._ + + Thou seest me now sail'd from my former lodgings, + Beneath a husband's ark; yet fain I would reward + Thy proffer'd love. But Haemon, ah, I fear + Tomorrow's eve will hide me in the country. + +_Clink._ Not a syllable in the part! wrong, all wrong! + +_Plot._ + + Through all the town, with diligent enquiries, + I sought my Pyrrha---- + +_Clink._ Beyond all patience! the part, Sir, lies before you; you are +never to perplex the drama with speeches extempore. + +_Plot._ Madam, 'tis what the top players often do. + +_Town._ Though love denies, companion bids me save thee. + + [_Plotwell kisses her._ + +_Clink._ Fye, Mr. Plotwell; this is against all the decorum of the +stage; I will no more allow the libertinism of lip-embraces than the +barbarity of killing on the stage; your best tragedians, like the ladies +of quality in a visit, never turn beyond the back-part of the cheek to a +salute, as thus Mr. Plotwell. + + [_Kisses Plotwell._ + +_Plot._ I don't find in Aristotle any precept against killing. + +_Clink._ Yet I would not stand upon the brink of an indecorum. + +_Plot._ True, madam, the finishing stroke of love and revenge should +never shock the eyes of an audience. But I look upon a kiss in a comedy +to be upon a par with a box on the ear in a tragedy, which is frequently +given and taken by your best authors. + +_Clink._ Mighty just! for a lady can no more put up a kiss than a +gentleman a box on the ear. Take my muse, Sir, into your protection +[_Gives him her play_] the players I see are here. Your personating the +author will infallibly introduce my play on the stage, and spite of +their prejudice, make the theatre ring with applause, and teach even +that injudicious Canaille to know their own interest. + + _Exit._ + + + +ACT II. + + + PLOTWELL, TOWNLEY, CLINKET, with Sir TREMENDOUS and two Players, + discovered seated round a Table. + +_Plot._ Gentlemen, this lady who smiles on my performances, has +permitted me to introduce you and my tragedy to her tea-table. + +_Clink._ Gentlemen, you do me honour. + +1st _Play._ Suffer us, Sir, to recommend to your acquaintance, the +famous Sir Tremendous, the greatest critick of our age. + +_Plot._ Sir Tremendous, I rejoice at your presence; though no lady that +has an antipathy, so sweats at a cat as some authors at a critick. Sir +Tremendous, madam, is a Gentleman who can instruct the town to dislike +what has pleased them, and to be pleased with what they disliked. + +Sir _Trem._ Alas! what signifies one good palate when the taste of the +whole town is viciated. There is not in all this Sodom of ignorance ten +righteous criticks, who do not judge things backward, + +_Clink._ I perfectly agree with Sir Tremendous: your modern tragedies +are such egregious stuff, they neither move terror nor pity. + +_Plot._ Yes, madam, the pity of the audience on the first night, and the +terror of the author for the third. Sir Tremendous's plays indeed have +rais'd a sublimer passion, astonishment. + +_Clink._ I perceive here will be a wit-combat between these +beaux-esprits. Prue, be sure you set down all the similes. + + + _Prue retires to the back part of the stage with pen and ink._ + +Sir _Trem._ The subjects of most modern plays are as ill chosen as---- + +_Plotw._ The patrons of their dedications. + + [_Clink. makes signs to Prue._ + +Sir _Trem._ Their plots as shallow---- + +_Plotw._ As those of bad poets against new plays + +Sir _Trem._ Their episodes as little of a piece to the main action, +as---- + +_Clink._ A black gown with a pink-colour'd petticoat. Mark that, Prue. + + [_Aside._ + +Sir _Trem._ Their sentiments are so very delicate-- + +_Plotw._ That like whipt syllabub they are lost before they are tasted. + +Sir _Trem._ Their diction so low, that--that-- + +_Plotw._ Why, that their friends are forced to call it simplicity. + +1st _Play._ Sir to the play if you please. + +2d _Play._ We have a rehearsal this morning. + +Sir _Trem._ And then their thefts are so open---- + +_Plotw._ that the very French taylors can discover them. + +Sir _Trem._ O what felony from the ancients! what petty larceny from the +moderns! there is the famous Ephigenia of Racine, he stole his Agamemnon +from Seneca, who stole it from Euripides, who stole it from Homer, who +stole it from all the ancients before him. In short there is nothing so +execrable as our most taking tragedies. + +1st _Play._ O! but the immortal Shakespeare, Sir. + +Sir _Trem._ He had no judgnent. + +2d _Play._ The famous ben Johmson! + +_Clink._ Dry. + +1st _Play._ The tender Otway! + +Sir _Trem._ Incorrect. + +2d _Play._ Etheridge! + +_Clink._ Mere chit-chat. + +1st _Play._ Dryden! + +Sir _Trem._ Nothing but a knack of versifying. + +_Clink._ Ah! dear Sir Tremendous, there is that delicatesse in your +sentiments! + +Sir _Trem._ Ah madam! there is that justness in your notions! + +_Clink._ I am so much charm'd with your manly penetration! + +Sir _Trem._ I with your profound capacity! + +_Clink._ That I am not able-- + +Sir _Trem._ That it is impossible-- + +_Clink._ To conceive-- + +Sir _Trem._ To express-- + +_Clink._ With what delight I embrace-- + +Sir _Trem._ With what pleasure I enter into-- + +_Clink._ Your ideas, most learned Sir Tremendous! + +Sir _Trem._ Your sentiments, most divine Mrs. Clinket. + +2d _Play._ The play, for heaven's sake, the play. + + + [_A tea-table brought in._] + +_Clink._ This finish'd drama is too good for an age like this. + +_Plotw._ The Universal Deluge, or the tragedy of Deucalion and Pyrrha. + + [_Reads_ + +_Clink._ Mr. Plotwell, I will not be deny'd the pleasure of reading it, +you will pardon me. + +1st _Play._ The deluge! the subject seems to be too recherche. + +_Clink._ A subject untouch'd either by ancients or moderns, in which are +terror and pity in perfection. + +1st _Play._ The stage will never bear it. Can you suppose, Sir, that a +box of ladies will sit three hours to see a rainy day, and a feather in +a storm; make your best of it, I know it can be nothing else. + +2d _Play._ If you please, madam, let us hear how it opens. + +_Clink._ [_reads._] The scene opens and discovers the heavens cloudy. A +prodigious shower of rain. At a distance appears the top of the mountain +Parnassus; all the fields beneath are over-flowed; there are seen cattle +and men swimming. The tops of steeples rise above the flood, with men +and women perching on their weathercocks---- + +Sir _Trem._ Begging your pardon, Sir, I believe it can be proved, that +weather-cocks are of a modern invention. Besides, if stones were +dissolved, as a late philosopher hath proved, how could steeples stand? + +_Plot._ I don't insist upon trifles. Strike it out. + +_Clink._ Strike it out! consider what you do. In this they strike at the +very foundation of the drama. Don't almost all the persons of your +second act start out of stones that Deucalion and Pyrrha threw behind +them? This cavil is levell'd at the whole system of the reparation of +human race. + +1st _Play._ Then the shower is absurd. + +_Clink._ Why should not this gentleman rain, as well as other authors +snow and thunder?---- ---- [_reads._] Enter Deucalion in a sort of +waterman's habit, leading his wife Pyrrha to a boat--Her first distress +is about her going back to fetch a casket of jewels. Mind, how he +imitates your great authors. The first speech has all the fire of Lee. + + Tho' heav'n wrings all the sponges of the sky, + And pours down clouds, at once each cloud a sea. + Not the spring tides---- + +Sir _Trem._ There were no spring tides in the Mediteranean, and +consequently Deucalion could not make that simile. + +_Clink._ A man of Deucalion's quality might have travelled beyond the +Mediteranean, and so your objection is answered. Observe, Sir +Tremendous, the tenderness of Otway, in this answer of Pyrrha. + + --------------------Why do the stays + Taper my waist, but for thy circling arms? + +Sir _Trem._ Ah! Anachronisms! Stays are a modern habit, and the whole +scene is monstrous, and against the rules of tragedy. + +_Plot._ I submit Sir,--out with it. + +_Clink._ Were the play mine, you should gash my flesh, mangle my face, +any thing sooner than scratch my play. + +_Plot._ Blot and insert wherever you please----I submit myself to your +judgment. + + + _Plotwell rises and discourses apart with Townley._ + +Sir _Trem._ Madam, nonsense and I have been at variance from my cradle, +it sets my understanding on edge. + +2d _Play._ Indeed, madam, with submission, and I think I have some +experience of the stage, this play will hardly take. + +_Clink._ The worst lines of it would be sufficiently clapt, if it had +been writ by a known author, or recommended by one. + +Sir _Trem._ Between you and I, madam, who understand better things, this +gentleman knows nothing of poetry. + +1st _Play._ The gentleman may be an honest man, but he is a damn'd +writer, and it neither can take, nor ought to take. + +Sir _Trem._ If you are the gentleman's friend, and value his reputation, +advise him to burn it. + +_Clink._ What struggles has an unknown author to vanquish prejudice! +Suppose this play acts but six nights, his next may play twenty. +Encourage a young author, I know it will be your interest. + +2d _Play._ I would sooner give five hundred pounds than bring some plays +on the stage; an audience little considers whether 'tis the author or +the actor that is hiss'd, our character suffers. + +1st _Play._ Damn our character--We shall lose money by it. + +_Clink._ I'll deposit a sum myself upon the success of it. Well, since +it is to be play'd--I will prevail upon him to strike out some few +things.--Take the play, Sir Tremendous. + + + _Sir Tremendous reads in a muttering tone._ + +Sir _Trem._ Absurd to the last degree [_strikes out._] palpable +nonsense! [_strikes out._] + +_Clink._ What all those lines! spare those for a lady's sake, for those +indeed, I gave him. + +Sir _Trem._ Such stuff! [_strikes out._] abominable! [_strikes out._] +most execrable! + +1st _Play._ This thought must out. + +2d _Play._ Madam, with submission, this metaphor. + +1st _Play._ This whole speech. + +Sir _Trem._ The Fable! + +_Clink._ To you I answer,-- + +1st _Play._ The characters! + +_Clink._ To you I answer-- + +Sir _Trem._ The diction! + +_Clink._ And to you--Ah, hold, hold,--I'm butcher'd, I'm massacred. For +mercy's sake! murder, murder! ah! + + [_faints._ + + + _Enter Fossile peeping at the door._ + +_Foss._ My house turn'd to a stage! and my bride playing her part too! +What will become of me? but I'll know the bottom of all this, [_aside._] +I am surprized to see so many patients here so early. What is your +distemper, Sir? + +1st _Play._ The cholic, Sir, by a surfeit of green tea and damn'd +verses. + +_Foss._ Your pulse is very high, madam. [_To Townley._] You sympathize, +I perceive, for yours is somewhat feverish. [_To Plotwell._] But I +believe I shall be able to put off the fit for this time. And as for +you, niece, you have got the poetical itch, and are possess'd with nine +devils, your nine muses; and thus I commit them and their works to the +flames. [_Takes up a heap of papers and flings them into the fire._] + +_Clink._ Ah! I am an undone woman. + +_Plot._ Has he burnt any bank-bills, or a new Mechlin head-dress? + +_Clink._ My works! my works! + +1st _Play._ Has he destroyed the writings of an estate, or your billet +doux? + +_Clink._ A Pindarick ode! five similes! and half an epilogue! + +2d _Play._ Has he thrown a new fan or your pearl necklace into the +flames? + +_Clink._ Worse, worse! The tag of the acts of a new comedy! a prologue +sent by a person of quality three copies of recommendatory verses! and +two Greek mottos! + +_Foss._ Gentlemen, if you please to walk out. + +2d _Play._ You shall have our positive answer concerning your tragedy, +madam, in an hour or two. + + [_Exit Sir Tremendous, Plotwell and Players._ + +_Foss._ Though this affair looks but ill; yet I will not be over-rash: +What says Lybanius? 'A false accusation often recoils upon the accuser;' +and I have suffered already by too great precipitation. + + [_Exit Fossile._ + + + Enter SARSNET. + +_Town._ A narrow escape, Sarsnet! Plotwells letter was intercepted and +read by my husband. + +_Sars._ I tremble every joint of me. How came you off? + +_Town._ Invention flow'd, I ly'd, he believ'd. True wife, true husband! + +_Sars._ I have often warned you, madam, against this superfluity of +gallants; you ought at least to have clear'd all mortgages upon your +person before you leas'd it out for life. Then, besides Plotwell, you +are every moment in danger of Underplot, who attends on Plotwell like +his shadow; he is unlucky enough to stumble upon your husband, and then +I'm sure his shatterbrains would undo us at once. + +_Town._ Thy wit and industry, Sarsnet, must help me out. To day is mine, +to morrow is my husband's. + +_Sars._ But some speedy method must be thought of, to prevent your +letters from falling into his hands. + +_Town._ I can put no confidence in my landlady Mrs. Chambers, since our +quarrel at parting. So I have given orders to her maid to direct all +letters and messages hither, and I have plac'd my own trusty servant +Hugh at the door to receive them--but see, yonder comes my husband, I'll +retire to my closet. + + [_Exit Townley and Sarsnet._ + + + Enter FOSSILE. + +_Foss._ O marriage, thou bitterest of potions, and thou strongest of +astringents. This Plotwell that I found talking with her must certainly +be the person that sent the letter. But if I have a Bristol stone put +upon me instead of a diamond, why should I by experiments spoil its +lustre? She is handsome, that is certain. Could I but keep her to myself +for the future! Cuckoldom is an accute case, it is quickly over; when it +takes place, it admits of no remedy but palliatives.----Be it how it +will, while my marriage is a secret---- + +_Within._ Bless the noble doctor Fossile and his honourable lady. The +city musick are come to wish him much joy of his marriage. [_A flourish +of fiddles._ + +_Foss._ Joy and marriage; never were two words so coupled. + +_Within._ Much happiness attend the learned doctor Fossile and his +worthy and virtuous lady. The drums and trumpets of his majesty's guards +are come to salute him---- + + [_A flourish of Drums and Trumpets._ + +_Foss._ Ah, Fossile! wretched Fossile! into what state hast thou brought +thy self! thy disgrace proclaim'd by beat of drum! New married men are +treated like those bit by a Tarantula, both must have musick: But where +are the notes that can expell a wife! + + _Exit._ + + + +ACT III. + + + Enter FOSSILE in a footman's cloaths, + +_Foss._ A Special dog; this footman of my wife's! as mercenary as the +porter of a first minister! Why should she place him as a centinal at my +door? unquestionably, to carry on her intrigues. Why did I bribe him to +lend me his livery? to discover those intrigues. And now, O wretched +Fossile, thou hast debas'd thyself into the low character of a footman. +What then? gods and demi gods have assum'd viler shapes: they, to make a +cuckold; I, to prove myself one. Why then should my metamorphosis be +more shameful, when my purpose is more honest? + + + [_Knocking at the door, enter footman._] + +_Foot._ Ay, this is her livery. Friend, give this to your mistress. + + [_Gives a letter to Fossile and exit._] + +_Fossile._ [_reads_] + + 'Madam, you have jilted me. What I gave you cost me dear; what you + might have given me, would have cost you nothing. You shall use my + next present with more respect. I presented you a fine snuff-box; + you gave it to that coxcomb Underplot, and Underplot gave it to my + wife. Judge of my surprise. + + 'Freeman.' + +A fine circulation of a snuff-box! in time I shall have the rarest of my +shells set off with gold hinges, to make presents to all the fops about +town. My _Conchae Veneris_; and perhaps, even my _Nautilus_. + + + _A knocking at the door. Enter an old woman._ + +_Old Wom._ Can I speak with your good mistress, honest friend? + +_Fos._ No, she's busy. + +_Old Wom._ Madam Wyburn presents her service and has sent this letter. + + [_Exit._ + +_Fossile._ [_reads_] + + 'Being taken up with waiting upon merchants ladies this morning, I + have sent to acquaint you, my dear sweet Mrs. Townley, that the + alderman agrees to every thing but putting away his wife, which he + says is not decent at that end of the town. He desires a meeting + this evening.' + +Postscript. + + 'He does not like the grocer's wife at all.' + +Bless me! what a libidinous age we live in! neither his own wife! nor +the grocer's wife! Will people like nobody's wife but mine! + + + [_Knocking at the door. Enter footman, gives a letter, and exit._] + + + _Enter another footman gives a letter, and exit._ + +_Foss._ [_reads_] + + 'Sincerely, madam, I cannot spare that sum; especially in monthly + payments. My good friend and neighbour Pinch, a quiet sober man, is + content to go a third part, only for leave to visit upon sabbath + days. + + 'Habakkuk Plumb.' + +Well, frugallity is laudable even in iniquity! Now for this other. + + + _Opens the second letter._ + +_Foss._ [_reads_] + + 'Madam, I can't make you rich, but I can make you immortal. + +Verses on Mrs. Susanna Townley, in the front box dress'd in green. + + In you the beauties of the spring are seen, + Your cheeks are roses, and your dress is green. + +A poor dog of a poet! I fear him not. + + + _Enter a ragged fellow with a letter._ + +_Foot._ My master is at present under a cloud----He begs you will +deliver this letter to your lady. + + [_Exit._ + +_Foss._ [_reads_] + + 'I am reduced by your favours to ask the thing I formerly deny'd; + that you would entertain me as a husband, who can no longer keep + you as a mistress. + + 'Charles Bat.' + +Why did I part with this fellow? This was a proposal indeed, to make +both me and himself happy at once! He shall have her, and a +twelve-month's fees into the bargain. Where shall I find him?--Why was +the mistress of all mankind unknown to thee alone? Why is nature so dark +in our greatest concerns? Why are there no external symptoms of +defloration, nor any pathognomick of the loss of virginity but a big +belly? Why has not lewdness its tokens like the plague? Why must a man +know rain by the aking of his corns, and have no prognostick of what is +of infinitely greater moment, cuckoldom? Or if there are any marks of +chastity, why is the enquiry allowed only to Turks and Jews, and denyed +to Christians? O Townley, Townley! once to me the fragrant rose; now +aloes, wormwood and snake-root! but I must not be seen. + + + _As Townley and Sarsnet enter, Fossile sneaks off._ + +_Town._ Sarsnet, we are betray'd. I have discovered my husband posted at +the door in Hugh's livery, he has intercepted all my letters. I +immediately writ this, which is the only thing that can bring us off. +Run this moment to Plotwell, get him to copy it, and send it directed to +me by his own servant with the utmost expedition. He is now at the +chocolate-house in the next street. + +_Sars._ I fly, madam; but how will you disengage yourself from the +affair with Underplot? + +_Town._ Leave it to me. Though he wants sense, he's handsome, and I like +the fellow; and if he is lucky enough to come in my husband's +absence.----But prithee Sarsenet make haste. + + + [_Exit Townley and Sarsenet, upon which Fossile re-enters, to him + Underplot._] + +_Underp._ Harke'e, friend. I never talk with one of your coat, but I +first tip him. + +_Foss._ Behold the lucre of a pimp! Between the pox abroad, and my +plague at home, I find a man may never want fees. [_aside._] Your +honour's commands, I pray. I long to serve you. + +_Underp._ Ah, boy! thou hast a rare mistress for vails. Come I know thou +art a sly dog; can'st thou introduce me to her for a moment's +conversation? + +_Foss._ Impossible. + +_Underp._ What, still impossible? + + [_Gives more money._ + +_Foss._ Still impossible. + +_Underp._ Poh, pox. But prithee, friend, by the by, is there any thing +in this report that she is marry'd to the doctor here? + +_Foss._ I am afraid there is something in it. + +_Underp._ What a spirit does a jealous husband give to an intrigue! +Pray, is he not a most egregious silly animal? + +_Foss._ Not exceeding wise indeed, + +_Underp,_ Rich? + +_Foss._ He has money. + +_Underp._ That will save the expence of her gallants. Old? + +_Foss._ Ay, too old, heaven knows. + +_Underp._ How came it into the puppy's head to marry? + +_Foss._ By the instigation of Satan. + +_Underp._ I'll help the old fool to an heir. + +_Foss._ No doubt on't. If the whole town can do it, he will not want +one. + + [_Aside._ + +_Underp._ Come, prithee deal freely with me, Has Plotwell been here +since the wedding? + +_Foss._ He has! too sure: [_aside._] He's a dangerous rival to you; if +you have a mind to succeed, keep a strict watch upon him, that he may +not get admittance before you. + +_Underp._ Well since thou hast shown thyself so much my friend, I'll let +thee into a secret. Plotwell and I no sooner heard of the wedding, but +we made a bett of a hundred guineas, who should dub the doctor first. +Remember you go twenty pieces with me. + +_Foss._ But here is some body coming. Away you are sure of my interest. + + [_Exit Underplot._ + +_Foss._ This was well judg'd. I have a small territory coveted by two +rival potentates. It is profound policy to make them watch one the +other, and so keep the ballance of power in my own hands. Certainly +nothing so improves one's politicks, as to have a coquet to on'es wife, + + + Enter a footman with a letter, + +_Foot._ This is for your lady, Deliver it safe into her own hands. + + [_Exit Footman._ + +_Fos._ [_reads._] + + 'Know, cruel woman, I have discovered the secret of your marriage; + you shall have all the plague of a jealous husband, without the + pleasure of giving him cause. I have this morning counterfeited + billetdoux and letters from bawds; nay, I have sent pimps; some of + which, I hope, are fallen into your old coxcomb's hands. If you deny + me the pleasure of tipping him a real cuckold, at least, I'll have + the resentment to make him an imaginary one. Know that this is not + the hundredth part of the revenge that shall be executed upon thee, + by R. P.' + +_Town._ [_peeping._] So. The letter works as I would have it. + + [_Aside._ + +_Foss._ How true is that saying of the philosopher! 'We only know, that +we know nothing.' The eruption of those horns which seem'd to make so +strong a push is now suppress'd. Is the mystery of all these letters +nothing but the revenge of a disappointed lover? The hand and seal are +just the same with the Welchman's that I intercepted a while ago. Truly, +these Welch are a hot revengeful people. My wife may be virtuous; she +may not. Prevention is the safest method with diseases and intrigues. +Women are wanton, husbands weak, bawds busy, opportunities dangerous, +gallants eager; therefore it behoves honest men to be watchful. But here +comes my Wife, I must hide myself; for should I be detected, she might +have a just cause of complaint for my impertinent curiosity. + + _Exit Fossi._ + + + Enter TOWNLEY; and to her SARSNET at the other door. + +_Sars._ Your orders, madam, have been executed to a tittle, and I hope +with success. + +_Town._ Extremely well. Just as we could have wish'd. But I can't +forgive that rascal Hugh. To turn him away would be dangerous. We will +rather take the advantage of the confidence my husband has in him. Leave +the husband to me, and do you discipline the footman. Such early +curiosity must be crush'd in the bud. Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. [_calls aloud, +and rings._] What is become of the rogue? + + [_Townley runs in, and drags out Fossile changing his cloaths + with Hugh._ + +Why sirrah! must one call all day for you? + + [_cuffs him._ + +_Sars._ This is not Hugh, madam; a rouge in disguise, got in to rob the +house! thieves, thieves! + + + Enter CLINKET, PRUE with the writing-desk, and servants + +_Foss._ St. St--no noise. Prithee, dearee, look upon me. See, see, thy +own dear husband. It is I. + +_Town._ What an unfortunate woman am I! Could not you pass one day +without an intrigue? and with a cookwench too! for you could put on a +livery for no other end. You wicked man. + +_Sars._ His coldness, madam, is now no longer a mystery. Filthy monster! +wer't not thou provided with my mistress as a remedy for thy rampant +unchastity? + +_Town._ Was all your indeffierence to me for this! you brute you. + + [_weeps._ + +_Foss._ Nay, prithee, dearee, judge not rashly. My character is +establish'd in the world. There lives not a more sober, chaste, and +virtuous person than doctor Fossile. + +_Town._ Then why this disguise? + +_Foss,_ Since it must come out; ha, ha, ha, only a frolick on my +wedding day between Hugh and I. We had a mind to exhibit a little +mummery. + +_Clink._ What joy arises in my soul to see my uncle in a dramatick +character! Since your humour lead you to the drama, uncle, why would you +not consult a relative muse in your own family? I have always used you +as my physician; and why should not you use me as your poet? + +_Foss,_ Prithee, dear, leave me a moment. This is a scandal to my +gravity. I'll be with you, as my self, immediately. + + [_Exeunt omnes, except Fossile and Hugh. As they are changing + habits, Fossile says,_ + +As a mark of my confidence in thee, I leave thee guardian of my house +while I go my rounds. Let none in but patients; wan sickly fellows, no +person in the least degree of bodily strength. + +_Hugh._ Worthy doctor, you may rely upon my honour. + + _Exit Fos._ + +I have betray'd my mistress. My conscience flies in my face, and I can +ease it noway but by betraying my master. + + _Knocking at the door._ + +This is not the doctor; but he is dress'd like him, and that shall be my +excuse. + + [_He lets Plotwell in, Townley meets him, they embrace._ + +_Town._ Hugh, go, wait at the door. + + [_Exit Hugh._ + +_Plotw._ This disguise gives spirit to my intrigue. Certainly I am the +first person that ever enjoy'd a bride without the scandal of matrimony. + +_Town._ I have a different relish, Mr. Plotwell, for now I can't abide +you, you are so like my husband. + +_Plotw._ Underplot, I defy thee. I have laid the wager, and now I hold +the stakes. + +_Town._ Opportunity Mr. Potwell, has been the downfall of much virtue. + + [_As he is leading her off, enter Hugh._ + +_Hugh._ Ah, madam! the doctor! the doctor! + + _Exit Hugh._ + +_Plot._ Fear nothing. I'll stand it. I have my part ready. + + [_Exit Townley._ + + + Enter FOSSILE. + +_Foss._ I promised lady _Langfort_ my eagle-stone. The poor lady is like +to miscarry, and 'tis well I thought on't. Ha! who is here! I do not +like the aspect of the fellow. But I will not be over censorious. + + [_They make many bows and cringes in advancing to each other._ + +_Plot._ _Illustrissime domine, huc adveni_-- + +_Foss._ _Illustrissime domine----non usus, sum loquere Latinum_----If +you cannot speak English, we can have no lingual conversation. + +_Plot._ I can speak but a little Englise. Me ave great deal heard of de +fame of de great luminary of all arts and sciences, de illustrious +doctor Fossile. I would make commutation (what do you call it) I would +exchange some of my tings for some of his tings. + +_Foss._ Pray, Sir, what university are you of? + +_Plot._ De famous university of Cracow in Polonia minor. I have cured de +king of Sweden of de wound. My name be doctor Cornelius Lubomirski. + +_Foss._ Your Lubomirskis are a great family. But what Arcana are you +master of, Sir? + +_Plot._ [_Shows a large snuff-box._] See dere, Sir, dat box de snuff. + +_Foss._ Snuff-box. + +_Plot._ Right. Snuff-box. Dat be de very true gold. + +_Foss._ What of that? + +_Plot._ Vat of dat? me make dat gold my own self, of de lead of de great +church of Crawcow. + +_Foss._ By what operations? + +_Plot._ By calcination; reverberation; purification; sublimation; +amalgamation; precipitation; volitilization. + +_Foss._ Have a care what you assert. The volitilization of gold is not +an obvious process. It is by great elegance of speech called, _fortitudo +fortitudinis fortissima_. + +_Plot._ I need not acquaint de illustrious doctor Fossile, dat all de +metals be but unripe gold. + +_Foss._ Spoken like a philosopher, And therefore there should be an act +of parliament against digging of lead mines, as against felling young +timber. But inform me, Sir, what might be your menstruum, snow-water, or +May-dew? + +_Plot._ Snow-vater. + +_Foss._ Right. Snow is the universal pickle of nature for the +preservation of her productions in the hyemal season. + +_Plot._ If you will go your self, and not trust de servant, to fetch +some of de right Thames sand dat be below de bridge, I will show you de +naked Diana in your study before I go hence. + +_Foss._ Perhaps you might. I am not at present dispos'd for experiments. + +_Plot._ This bite wont take to send him out of the way, I'll change my +subject. [_Aside._] Do you deal in longitudes, Sir? + +_Foss._ I deal not in impossibilities. I search only for the grand +elixir. + +_Plot._ Vat do you tink of de new metode of fluxion? + +_Foss._ I know no other but my mercury. + +_Plot._ Ha, ha. Me mean de fluxion of de quantity. + +_Foss._ The greatest quantity I ever knew, was three quarts a day. + +_Plot._ Be dere any secret in the hydrology, zoology, minerology, +hydraulicks, acausticks, pneumaticks, logarithmatechny, dat you do want +de explanation of? + +_Foss._ This is all out of my way. Do you know of any hermaphrodites, +monstrous twins, antediluvivian shells, bones, and vegetables? + +_Plot._ Vat tink you of an antediluvian knife, spoon, and fork, with the +mark of Tubal Cain in Hebrew, dug out of the mine of Babylon? + +_Foss._ Of what dimensions, I pray, Sir? + +_Plot._ De spoon be bigger dan de modern ladle; de fork, like de great +fire-fork; and de knife, like de cleaver. + +_Foss._ Bless me! this shows the stature and magnitude of those +antidiluvians! + +_Plot._ To make you convinced that I tell not de lie, dey are in de +Turkey ship at Vapping, just going to be disposed of. Me would go there +vid you, but de businss vil not let me. + +_Foss._ An extraordinary man this! I'll examine him further. [_Aside._] +How could your country lose so great a man as you? + +_Plot._ Dat be de secret. But because me vil have de fair correspondence +with de illustrious doctor Fossile, me vil not deny dat Orpheus and me +had near run de same fate for different reason. I was hunted out of my +country by de general insurrection of de women. + +_Foss._ How so pray? + +_Plot._ Because me have prepare a certain liquor which discover whether +a woman be a virgin or no. + +_Foss._ A curious discovery! have you any of it still? + +_Plot._ Dere it is, Sir. It be commonly called de _Lapis Lydius +Virginitatis_, or touch-stone of virginity. + + [_gives him a vial._ + +_Foss._ It has the smell of your common hart's-horn. But all your +volatile spirits have a near resemblance. + +_Plot._ Right, Sir. De distillation be made from the _Hippomanes_ of a +young mare. When a deflower'd virgin take ten drops, she will faint and +sneeze, and de large red spot appear on the cheek; which we call +de spot of infamy. All de young bridegroom make de experiment. De +archbishop did make obligation to de nun to take it every ninth month. +And I fly for the hurlyburly it make. + + + Enter HUGH. + +_Hugh._ Sir here is a patient in a chair. + +_Foss._ Doctor Lubomirski, let me conduct you into my study, where we +will farther discuss the wonderful virtues of this liquor. Tell the +patient I will attend him this instant. + + [_Exeunt Plotwell and Fossile._ + + + Enter UNDERPLOT in a chair like a sick man. + +_Hugh._ The doctor will wait upon you immediately. + + [_Exit Hugh._ + +_Underp._ I dogg'd Plotwell to this door in a doctor's habit. If he has +admittance as a doctor, why not I as a patient? Now for a lucky decision +of our wager! If I can't succeed myself, I will at least spoil his +intrigue. + + + Enter FOSSILE. + +_Underp._ Ah! ah! have you no place? Ah! where can I repose a little? I +was taken suddenly. Ah! ah! 'tis happy I was so near the house of an +eminent physician. + +_Foss._ Rest yourself upon that couch. + +_Underp._ If I lay a few minutes cover'd up warm in a bed, I believe I +might recover. + + [_Fossile feels his pulse. Plotwell peeps._ + +_Plot._ Underplot in disguise! I'll be his doctor, and cure him of these +frolicks. + + [_aside._ + +_Foss._ What are your symptoms, Sir? a very tempestuous pulse, I +profess! + +_Underp._ Violent head-ach, ah! ah! + +_Foss._ All this proceeds from the fumes of the kitchen, the stomachic +digester wants reparation for the better concoction of your aliment: +But, Sir, is your pain pungitive, tensive, gravitive, or pulsatory? + +_Plot._ All together, ah! + +_Foss._ Impossible Sir; but I have an eminent physician now in the +house, he shall consult. Doctor Lubomirski, here is a person in a most +violent cephalalgy, a terrible case! + + + Enter PLOTWELL. + +_Foss._ Feel his pulse. [_Plotwell feels it._] You feel it, Sir, strong, +hard and labouring. + +_Plot._ Great plenitude, Sir. + +_Foss._ Feel his belly, Sir; a great tension and heat of the abdomen--A +hearty man, his muscles are torose; how soon are the strongest humbled +by diseases! let us retire, and consult. + + + Enter SARSNET in haste. + +_Sars._ My mistress approves your design, bear it out bravely, perhaps I +shall have a sudden opportunity of conveying you into her bed-chamber, +counterfeit a fainting fit and rely upon me. + + [_Exit._ + +_Underp._ As yet I find I am undiscover'd by Plotwell; neither is his +intrigue in such forwardness as mine, though he made a fair push for it +before me. + + [_aside._ + + [_Fossile and Plotwell come forward._ + +_Foss._ I am entirely for a glister. + +_Plot._ My opinion is for de strong vomit. + +_Foss._ Bleed him. + +_Plot._ Make de searrification, give me de lancet, me will do it myself, +and after dat will put de blister to de sole of de feet, + +_Foss._ Your dolor proceeds from a frigid _intemperies_ of the brain, a +strong disease! the enemy has invaded the very citadel of your +microcosm, the magazine of your vital functions; he has set down before +it; yet there seems to be a good garrison of vital spirits, and we don't +question to be able to defend it. + +_Plot._ Ve will cannonade de enemy with pills, bombard him wid de bolus, +blow him up with volatiles, fill up the trenches wid de large +innundation of apozems, and dislodge him wid de stink pot; let de +apotecary bring up de artillery of medicine immediately. + +_Foss._ True, we might unload the stomach by gentle emeticks, and the +intestines by clysters stimulative, carminative, and emollient, with +strong hydroticks, quiet the spasms of the viscera by paregoricks, draw +off the stagnant blood by deep scarrifications, and depurate its +faeculencies by volatiles; after this, let there be numerous blisters and +potential cauteries--I consult my patient's ease; I am against much +physick--He faints, he is apoplectic, bleed him this moment. + +_Plot._ Hoy de servant dere, make hast, bring de pan of hot coals; or de +red hot iron to make application to de temples. + + + Enter HUGH. + +_Hugh._ Here's the poker red hot from the fire. + +_Plot._ Very well make de burn dere, exactly dere. + + [_putting the poker near his head._ + +_Underp._ Hold, hold, am I to be murder'd? [_starts up._] I know you, +Plotwell, and was I not oblig'd by honour and friendship, I'd expose you +to the doctor. + + [_aside to Plotwell._ + +_Plot._ Very lunatick, mad, fetch me de cord to make de tie upon de leg +and de arm, take off thirty ounces of blood, and den plunge him into de +cold bath. + +_Foss._ Your judgment, doctor Lubomirski, is excellent, I will call my +servants to assist us. + +_Underp._ Hearke'e, old put; I came to take your advice, and not that +French son of a whore's scarrifications; and so plague take you both. + + [_Exit Underplot and Hugh._ + + + +ACT IV. + + + Enter Dr. FOSSILE, and PLOTWELL. + +_Foss._ Doctor Lubomirski, this vial that you have intrusted into my +custody, shall be with acknowledgment return'd after a few experiments; +I must crave your indulgence; diseases, you know, Sir, are impertinent, +and will tie themselves to no hours, poor lady Hyppokekoana! + +_Plot._ Ah Sir! I beg your pardon, if you make visit to de patient, me +will divert myself in your study till you make return. + +_Foss._ That cannot be, I have a lady just coming to consult me in a +case of secrecy. + +_Plot._ Have you not de wife? me will make conversation wid de ladies +till you come. + +_Foss._ They see no company in the morning, they are all in +_deshabillee_; most learned doctor Lubomirski, your humble servant. + +_Plot._ Most illustrious doctor Fossile, me be, with de profoundest +adoration + +_Foss._ With the greatest admiration + +_Plot._ Your most humble + +_Foss._ Most obedient servant. + +_Plot._ Ah, Monsieur, point de ceremonie. + + [_Exit Plotwell._ + + + Enter HUGH. + +_Foss._ Hugh, bring me a pint of sack; let your mistress know I want to +see her. Take care that her orders be obey'd, and that her trunks and +boxes be immediately brought hither. Sarset will give you directions. + + [_Exit Hugh. Fossile sits down on a couch._ + +Ah Fossile! if the cares of two hours of a married life have so reduc'd +thee, how long can'st thou hold out! to watch a wife all day, and have +her wake thee all night! 'twill never do. The fitigue of three fevers, +six small poxes, and five great ones, is nothing to that of one wife. +Now for my touch-stone; I will try it upon her presently. If she bear it +to day--I am afraid she will bear it to morrow too. + + + _Enter Hugh with a bottle of sack, and after him Townley. Hugh gives + the bottle and glass to Fossile and exit._ + +Sit down by me, my dear, I was going to refresh myself with a glass of +canary. You look pale. It will do you good. + +_Town._ Faugh. Wine in the morning! + + + [_Fossile drinks and fills again, and drops some of the liquor into + the glass._] + +What is the meaning of this? am I to be poison'd. + + [_aside._ + +_Foss._ You must drink it. Sack is sacred to Hymen; of it is made the +nuptial posset. + +_Town._ Don't press me, Mr. Fossile, I nauseate it. It smells strangely. +There is something in it. + +_Foss._ An ill symptom! she can't bear the smell. [_aside._] Pray, my +dear, oblige me. + +_Town._ I'm for none of your flops. I'll fill myself. + +_Foss._ I must own, I have put some restorative drops in it, which are +excellent. I may drink it safely. [_aside._] [_drinks._] The next glass +I prepare for you. + + [_Fills, and powers some drops in._ + + [_Townley drinks. Fossile runs behind to support her; then pores + upon her cheek, and touches it with his finger._ + +_Town._ Your insolence is insupportable. 'Twas but this moment you +suspected my virtue; and now my complexion. Put on your spectacles. No +red was ever laid upon these cheeks. I'll fly thee, and die a maid, +rather than live under the same roof with jealousy and caprice. + +_Foss._ O thou spotless innocence! I cannot refrain tears of joy. +Forgive me, and I'll tell thee all. These drops have been a secret in +our family for many years. They are call'd the touch-stone of virginity. +The males administer it to the brides on their wedding-day; and by its +virtue have ascertain'd the honour of the Fossiles from generation to +generation. There are family customs, which it is almost impious to +neglect. + +_Town._ Had you married a person of doubtful reputation----But me, Mr. +Fossile! + +_Foss._ I did not indeed suspect thee. But my mother obliged me to this +experiment with her dying words--My wife is chaste: And to preserve her +so, 'tis necessary that I have none but chaste servants about her. I'll +make the experiment on all my female domesticks. [_aside._] I will now, +my dear, in thy presence, put all my family to the trial. Here! bid my +niece, and all the maid-servants come before me. + + [_Calling out._ + + + _Enter Clinket, Prue, and Servants._ + +Give ear, all ye virgins: We make proclamation in the name of the chaste +Diana, being resolv'd to make a solemn essay of the virtue, virginity, +and chastity of all within our walls. We therefore advise, warn and +precaution all spinsters, who know themselves blemish'd, not on any +pretence whatsoever to taste these our drops, which will manifest their +shame to the world by visible tokens. + +_Clink._ I abominate all kind of drops. They interrupt the series of +ideas. But have the any power over the virgin's dreams, thoughts, and +private meditations? + +_Foss._ No. They do not affect the _motus Primo-primi_, or intentions; +only actualities, niece. + +_Clink._ Then give it me. I can drink as freely of it as of the waters +of Helicon. My love was always Platonick. + + [_drinks._ + +_Foss._ Yet I have known a Platonick lady lodge at a mid wife's. + + + [_Fossile offers it round._] + +1st _Wom._ I never take physick. + +_Foss._ That's one. Stand there. My niece professes herself a Platonick. +You are rather a Cartesian. + +_Clink._ Ah dear uncle! how do the Platonicks and Cartesians differ. + +_Foss._ The Platonicks are for idea's, the Cartesians for matter and +motion. + +_Town._ Mr. Fossile, you are too severe. + +2d _Wom._ I am not a-dry. + + [_curtsies._ + +_Foss._ There's two. Stand there. + +_Prue._ My mistress can answer for me. She has taken it. + +_Foss._ She has. But however stand there, among the Cartesians. + +3d _Wom._ My innocence would protect me, though I trod over red-hot +iron. Give me a brimmer. + + + [_She takes a mouthful and spits it out again._] + +_Foss._ 'Twas a presumptuous thing to gargle with it: but however, +madam, if you please----walk among the Cartesians. + + [_Two young wenches run away._ + +_Clink._ Prue, follow me. I have just found a rhime for my Pindarick. + + [_They all sneak off._ + +_Fos._ All gone! what no more ladies here? no more ladies! [_looking to +the audience,_] O that I had but a boarding-school, or a middle gallery! + + + _Enter Sarsnet, follow'd by two porters bearing a chest._ + +Set down the things here: there is no occasion for carrying them up +stairs, since they are to be sent into the country to morrow. + + [_Exit porters._ + +What have I done? My marriage, these confounded whimsies, and doctor +Lubomirski, have made me quite forget poor lady Hippokekoana. She was in +convulsions, and I am afraid dead by this time. + + [_Exit Fossile._ + +_Sars._ I have brought you a present, madam, make good use of it. So I +leave you together. + + [_Exit Sarsnet._ + + + [_Townley opens the chest: Plotwell, who was cover'd with a gown and + petticoat, gets out._] + +_Town._ Never was any thing so lucky. The doctor is just this minute +gone to a patient. + +_Plot._ I tempt dangers enough in your service. I am almost crippled in +this chest-adventure. Oh my knees! Prithee, my dear, lead me to a bed +where I may strech myself out. + + [_Leading her off._ + + + Enter SARSNET. + +_Sars._ Oh madam! yonder is the doctor in deep discourse with Underplot: +I fear he has dogg'd me, and betray'd us. The are both coming back +together. + + [_Exit Sarsnet._ + +_Plot._ I'll shrink snug into my shell again. + +_Town._ That he may directly pop upon you. The trunk will be the first +place he will examine, have you no presence of mind? You sit for an +intrigue! + +_Plot._ What shall I do? + +_Town._ Fear not, you shall be invisible i th is very spot. + +_Plot._ What do you mean? he's just at the door. You intend to discover +me. + +_Town._ Mistrust me not: You shall walk out before his face at that very +door, though he bring in a hundred spies, and not one of them shall +perceive you. + +_Plot._ Don't trifle. Are you mad? [_knocking at the door._] Nay, now +'tis too late. + +_Town._ Arm thyself with flounces, and fortify thyself with whalebone; +enter beneath the cupulo of this petticoat. + +_Plot._ The best security in the world! an old fellow has seldom any +thing to do beneath that circumferance. + +_Town._ No more but under it immediately. + + [_Plotwell goes under it._ + + Thus Venus, when approaching foes assail, + Shields her AEneas with a silken veil. + + + Enter FOSSILE. + +_Town._ O my dear you come opportunely. How do you like my fancy in this +new petticoat? there is something in it so odd! + +_Fos._ You have another in your chest much odder. I want to see that. + +_Town._ How jaunty the flounces! + +_Fos._ Ay, 'tis plain she would lure me from the chest; there I shall +find him. + + [_aside._ + +_Town._ The lace! the fringe! + +_Fos._ All this is nothing to the embroider'd sattin. Prithee, my dear, +give me the key. + +_Town._ Sure never was any thing so prettily disposed. Observe but the +air of it: So _degagee_! But the lining is so charming. + + [_She walks to the door, and Fossile to the trunk. Plotwell kisses + her out of the top of the petticoat, and then goes off._] + + [_As Fossile is cautiously opening the trunk with his sword drawn, + Townley comes up to him._] + +What, more of your frolicks, Mr. Fossile. What time of the moon is this? + +_Fos._ This Underplot is a confounded villain, he would make me jealous +of an honest civil gentleman, only for an opportunity to cuckold me +himself. [_aside._] Come, my dear, forget all that is past. I know----I +have proved thee virtuous. But prithee, love, leave me a moment; I +expect some Egyptian rarities. + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + + + +ACT V. + + + Enter FOSSILE with a vial in his hand. + +_Fos._ This is all we have for the flying dragon so celebrated by +antiquity. A cheap purchase! It cost me but fifteen guineas. But the Jew +made it up in the butterfly and the spider. + + + Enter two porters bearing a Mummy. + +Oh! here's my mummy. Set him down. I am in haste. Tell captain Bantam, +I'll talk with him at the coffee-house. + + [_Exit porters._ + + + Enter two porters bearing an Alligator. + +A most stupendous animal! set him down. + + [_Exit porters._ + +Poor lady Hippokekoana's convulsions! I believe there is fatality in it, +that I can never get to her. Who can I trust my house to in my absence? +Were my wife as chaste as Lucretia, who knows what an unlucky minute may +bring forth! In cuckoldom, the art of attack is prodigiously improved +beyond the art of defence. So far it is manifest, Underplot has a design +upon my honour. For the ease of my mind, I will lock up my wife in this +my musaeum, 'till my return. + + + Enter TOWNLEY, and SARSNET. + +You will find something here, my dear, to divert yourself. + +_Town._ I hate the sight of these strange creatures; but since I am Mr. +Fossiles wife, I shall endeavour to conquer my aversion. + +_Foss._ Thou may'st safely be here to day, my dear; to-morrow thou +shouldst no more enter this room than a pest-house. 'Tis dangerous for +women that are impregnated. But poor lady Hippokekoana suffers all this +while. + + [_Exit Fossile with a key in his hand._ + +_Town._ Since he has lock'd me in, to be even with him, I'll bolt him +out. + + [_Plotwell dress'd like a Mummy, comes forward._ + +_Plot._ + + Thus trav'ling far from his Egyptian tomb, + Thy Anthony salutes his Cleopatra. + +_Town._ + + Thus Cleopatra, in desiring arms, + Receives her Anthony----But prithee dear pickled Hieroglyphic, who so + suddenly could assist thee with this shape. + +_Plot._ The play-house can dress mummies, bears, lions, crocodiles, +and all the monsters of Lybia. My arms madam are ready to break their +past-board prison to embrace you. + +_Town._ Not so hasty. Stay till the jealous fool is out of sight. + +_Plot._ Our ill stars, and the devil, have brought him back so often + +_Town._ He can never parry this blow, nor grow jealous of his mummy. A +mummy is his intimate friend. + +_Plot._ And a man cannot easily be cuckolded by any body else. + +_Town._ Here may'st thou remain the ornament of his study, and the +support of his old age. Thou shalt divert his company and be a father +to his children. I will bring thee legs of pullets, remnants of tarts, +and fragments of desarts. Thou shalt be fed like Bell and the Dragon. + +_Plot._ But madam; before you entertain me as your mummy in ordinary, +you ought to be acquainted with my abilities to discharge that office. +Let me slip off this habit of death, you shall find I have some symptoms +of life.----Thus Jove within the milk-white swan compress'd his Leda. + + + [_Underplot in the Alligator crawls forward, then rises up and + embraces her._] + +_Underp._ + + Thus Jove within the serpents scaly folds, + Twin'd round the Macedonian queen, + +_Town._ Ah! + + [_shrieks._ + +_Plot._ Fear not, madam. This is my evil genius Underplot that still +haunts me. How the devil got you here? + +_Underp._ Why should not the play-house lend me a crocodile as well as +you a mummy? + +_Town._ How unlucky is this! [_Aside._] Nay, I don't know but I may have +twenty lovers in this collection. You snakes, sharks, monkeys, and +mantygers, speak, and put in your claim before it is too late. + +_Underp._ Mr. Mummy, your humble servant; the lady is pre-engag'd. + +_Plot._ Pray, Mr. Crocodile, let the lady make her own choice. + +_Underp._ Crocodile as I am, I must be treated with common humanity. You +can't, madam, disown the message you sent me. + +_Town._ Well! ye pair of Egyptian lovers, agree this matter between you, +and I will acquit myself like a person of honour to you both. + +_Plot._ Madam! If I don't love you above all your sex, may I be banish'd +the studies of virtuoso's; and smoak'd like dutch beef in a chimney---- + +_Underp._ If I don't love you more than that stale mummy, may I never +more be proclaim'd at a show of monsters, by the sound of a +glass-trumpet. + +_Plot._ May I be sent to 'Pothecary's-hall, and beat up into venice +treacle for the fleet and the army, if this heart---- + +_Underp._ May I be stuff'd with straw, and given to a mountebank, if +this soul---- + +_Plot._ Madam I am a human creature. Taste my balsamick kiss. + +_Underp._ A lover in swadling-clouts! What is his kiss, to my embrace? + +_Plot._ Look upon me, madam. See how I am embroider'd with +hieroglyphicks. + +_Underp._ Consider my beautiful row of teeth. + +_Plot._ My balmy breath. + +_Underp._ The strong joints of my back. + +_Plot._ My erect stature. + +_Underp._ My long tail. + +_Town._ Such a contest of beauty! How shall I decide it? + +_Plot._ Take me out of my shell, madam, and I'll make you a present of +the kernel. + +_Underp._ Then I must be upon a level with him, and be uncrocodil'd. + +_Town._ Keep both of you your shapes, and we are in no fear of a +surprize from the doctor: If you uncase, his presence would undo us. +Sure never was any thing so unlucky--I hear his foot-steps; quick to +your posts. + + [_Mummy and Crocodile run to their places._ + + + Enter FOSSILE, Dr. _Nautilus_, and Dr. _Possum_. + +_Naut._ Much joy to the learned Dr. Fossile. To have a mummy, an +alligator, and a wife, all in one day, is too great happiness for mortal +man! + +_Poss._ This an alligator! Alack a day, brother Nautilus, this is a mere +lizard, an eft, a shrimp to mine. + +_Naut._ How improving would it be to the female understanding, if the +closets of the ladies were furnish'd, or, as I may say, ornamented and +embellish'd with preserv'd butterflies, and beautiful shells, instead of +China jars, and absurd Indian pictures. + +_Town._ Now for a stratagem to bring off my unsuccessful pair of +gallants. + + [_Aside._ + + [_Exit Townley._ + +_Foss._ Ah, Dr. Nautilus, how have I languish'd for your feather of the +bird Porphyrion! + +_Naut._ But your dart of the Mantichora! + +_Foss._ Your haft of the antediluvian trowel, unquestionably the tool of +one of the Babel masons! + +_Naut._ What's that to your fragment of Seth's pillar? + +_Poss._ Gentlemen, I affirm I have a greater curiosity than all of them. +I have an entire leaf of Noah's journal aboard the ark, that was hewen +out of a porphyry pillar in Palmyra. + + [_Fossile opens the case of the mummy._ + +_Naut._ By the formation of the muscular parts of the visage, I +conjecture that this mummy is male. + +_Pos._ Male, brother! I am sorry to observe your ignorance of the +symetry of a human body. Do but observe the projection of the hip; +besides, the bloom upon the face; 'tis a female beyond all +contradiction. + +_Fos._ Let us have no rash dispute, brothers; but proceed +methodically----Behold the vanity of mankind! [_pointing to the mummy._] +Some Ptolemy perhaps!---- + +_Naut._ Who by his pyramid and pickle thought to secure to himself death +immortal. + +_Fos._ His pyramid, alas! is now but a wainscot case. + +_Pos._ And his pickle can scarce raise him to the dignity of a collar of +brawn. + +_Fos._ Pardon me, Dr. Possum: The musaeum of the curious is a lasting +monument. And I think it no degradation to a dead person of quality, to +bear the rank of an anatomy in the learned world. + +_Naut._ By your favour, Dr. Possum, a collar of brawn! I affirm, he is +better to be taken inwardly than a collar of brawn. + +_Fos._ An excellent medicine! he is hot in the first-degree, and +exceeding powerful in some diseases of women. + +_Naut._ Right, Dr. Fossile; for your Asphaltion. + +_Pos._ Pice-Asphaltus, by your leave. + +_Naut._ By your leave, doctor Possum, I say, Asphaltion. + +_Pos._ And I positively say, Pice-Asphaltus. + +_Naut._ If you had read Dioscorides or Pliny-- + +_Poss._ I have read Dioscorides. And I do affirm Pice-Asphaltus. + +_Foss._ Be calm, Gentlemen. Both of you handle this argument with great +learning, judgment, and perspicuity. For the present, I beseech you to +concord, and turn your speculations on my alligator. + +_Poss._ The skin is impenetrable even to a sword. + +_Naut._ Dr. Possum I will show you the contrary. + + [_Draws his sword._ + +_Poss._ In the mean time I will try the mummy with this knife, on the +point of which you shall smell the pitch, and be convinc'd that it is +the Pice-Asphaltus. + + [_Takes up a rusty knife._ + +_Foss._ Hold, Sir: You will not only deface my mummy, but spoil my Roman +sacrificing-knife. + + + Enter TOWNLEY. + +_Town._ I must lure them from this experiment, or we are discover'd. + + [_Aside._ + + [_She looks through a telescope._ + +What do I see! most prodigious! a star as broad as the moon in the +day-time! + + [_The doctors go to her._ + +_Poss._ Only a halo about the sun, I suppose. + +_Naut._ Your suppositions, doctor, seem to be groundless. Let me make my +observation. + + [_Nautilus and Possum struggle to look first._ + +_Town._ Now for your escape: + + [_To Plotwell and Underplot._ + + [_They run to the door, but find it lock'd._ + +_Underp._ What an unlucky dog I am! + +_Town._ Quick. Back to your posts. Don't move, and rely upon me. I have +still another artifice. + + [_They run back to their places._ + + [_Exit Townley._ + +_Naut._ I can espy no celestial body but the sun. + +_Poss._ Brother Nautilus, your eyes are somewhat dim; your sight is not +fit for astronomical observations. + +_Foss._ Is the focus of the glass right? hold gentlemen, I see it; about +the bigness of Jupiter. + +_Naut._ No phenomenon offers itself to my speculation. + +_Poss._ Point over yonder chimney. Directly south. + +_Naut._ Thitherward, begging your pardon, Dr. Possum, I affirm to be the +north. + +_Foss._ East. + +_Poss._ South. + +_Naut._ North. Alas! what an ignorant thing is vanity! I was just making +a reflection on the ignorance of my brother Possum, in the nature of +the crocodile. + +_Poss._ First, brother Nautilus, convince yourself of the composition of +the mummy. + +_Naut._ I will insure your alligator from any damage. His skin I affirm +once more to be impenetrable. + + [_draws his sword._ + +_Poss._ I will not deface any hieroglyphick. + + [_Goes to the mummy with the knife._ + +_Foss._ I never oppose a luciferous experiment. It is the beaten highway +to truth. + + + [_Plotwell and Underplot leap from their places; the doctors are + frighted._] + +_Foss._ Speak, I conjure thee. Art thou the ghost of some murder'd +Egyptian monarch? + +_Naut._ A rational question to a mummy! But this monster can be no less +than the devil himself, for crocodiles don't walk. + + + Enter TOWNLEY and CLINKET. + + [_Townley whispers Clinket._ + +_Foss._ Gentlemen, wonder at nothing within these walls; for ever since +I was married, nothing has happen'd to me in the common course of human +life. + +_Clink._ Madam, without a compliment, you have a fine imagination. The +masquerade of the mummy and crocodile is extremely just; I would not rob +you of the merit of the invention, yet since you make me the compliment, +I shall be proud to take the whole contrivance of this masquerade upon +myself. [_To Townley._] Sir, be acquainted with my masqueraders. + + [_To Fossile._ + +_Foss._ Thou female imp of Appollo, more mischievous than Circe, who fed +gentlemen of the army in a hog's-stye! What mean you by these gambols? +this mummy, this crocodile? + +_Clink._ Only a little mummery, uncle? + +_Fos._ What an outragious conceit is this! had you contented yourself +with the metamorphosis of Jupiter, our skill in the classicks might have +prevented our terror. + +_Clink._ I glory in the fertility of my invention the more, that it is +beyond the imagination of a pagan deity. Besides, it is form'd upon the +vraysemblance; for I know you had a mummy and a crocodile to be brought +home. + +_Fos._ Dr. Nautilus is an infirm tender gentleman; I wish the sudden +concussion of his animal spirits may not kindle him into a fever. I +myself, I must confess, have an extreme palpitation. + +_Clink._ Dear uncle, be pacified. We are both of us the votaries of our +great master Appollo. To you he has assign'd the art of healing: Me he +has taught to sing; why then should we jangle in our kindred faculties? + +_Fos._ Appollo, for ought I know, may be a very fine person; but this I +am very sure of, that the skill he has given all his physicians is not +sufficient to cure the madness of his poets. + +_Pos._ Hark ye, brother Fossile? Your Crocodile has proved a human +creature, I wish your wife may not prove a crocodile. + +_Naut._ Hark ye, brother Fossile! Your mummy, as you were saying, +seemeth to be hot in the first degree, and is powerful in some diseases +of women. + + [_Exit Nautilus and Possum._ + +_Fos._ You diabolical performers of my niece's masquerade, will it +please you to follow those gentlemen? + +_Clink._ Nay, Sir, you shall see them dance first. + +_Fos._ Dance! the devil! bring me hither a spit, a fire-fork, I'll try +whether the monsters are impenetrable or no. + +_Plotw._ I hope, Sir, you will not expose us to the fury of the mob, +since we came here upon so courteous a design. + +_Foss._ Good courteous Mr. Mummy, without more ceremony, will it please +you to retire to your subterraneous habitation. And you Mr. Crocodile, +about your business this moment, or you shall change your Nile for the +next horse-pond. + +_Clink._ Spare my masqueraders. + +_Underp._ Let it never be said that the famous Dr. Fossile, so renowned +for his charity to monsters, should violate the laws of hospitality, and +turn a poor alligator naked into the street. + +_Foss._ Deposite your _exuviae_ then, and assume your human shape. + +_Underp._ For that I must beg your excuse. A gentleman would not chuse +to be known in these frolicks. + +_Foss._ Then out of my doors, here footman, out with him; out, thou +hypocrite, of an alligator. + + [_Underplot is turn'd out._ + +Sir, the respect I have for catacombs and pyramids, will not protect +you. + + [_A noise of mob within._ + + + Enter PRUE. + +_Prue._ Sir, Sir, lock your doors, or else all your monsters will run +home again to the Indies. Your crocodile yonder has made his escape; if +he get but to Somerset water-gate, he is gone for ever. + + [_Exit Prue._ + + + Enter a Footman. + +_Foot._ The herbwoman swore she knew him to be the devil, for she had +met him one dark night in St. Pulchre's church-yard; then the monster +call'd a coach, methought with the voice of a christian; but a sailor +that came by said he might be a crocodile for all that, for crocodiles +could cry like children, and was for killing him outright, for they were +good to eat in Egypt, but the constable cry'd take him alive, for what +if he be an Egyptian, he is still the king's subject. + + _Ex. footman._ + + [_A noise of mob within._ + + + Enter PRUE + +_Prue._ Then he was hurry'd a way by the mob. A bull-dog ran away with +fix joints of his tail, and the claw of his near foot before: At last by +good fortune, to save his life, he fell in with the Hockley in the Hole +bull and bear; the master claim'd him for his monster, and so he is now +attended by a vast mob, very solemnly marching to Hockley in the Hole, +with the bear in his front, the bull in his rear, and a monkey upon each +shoulder. + +_Town._ Mr. Mummy, you had best draw the curtains of your chair, or the +mob's respect for the dead will scarce protect you. + + [_Exit Plotwell in a chair._ + +_Clink._ My concern for him obliges me to go see that he gets off safe, +lest any further mischief befalls the persons of our masque. + + [_Exit Clinket._ + +_Fos._ Sweetly, Horace. _Nunquam satis_, and so forth. A man can never +be too cautious. Madam, sit down by me. Pray how long is it since you +and I have been married? + +_Town._ Near three hours, Sir. + +_Fos._ And what anxieties has this time produc'd? the dangers of +divorce! calumniatory letters! lewd fellows introduc'd by my niece! +groundless jealousies on both sides! even thy virginity put to the +touch-stone! but this last danger I plung'd thee in myself; to leave +thee in the room with two such robust young fellows. + +_Town._ Ay, with two young fellows! but my dear, I know you did it +ignorantly. + +_Fos._ This is the first blest minute of repose that I have enjoy'd in +matrimony. Dost thou know the reason, my dear, why I have chosen thee +of all womankind? + +_Town._ My face, perhaps. + +_Fos._ No. + +_Town._ My wit? + +_Fos._ No. + +_Town._ My virtue and good humour. + +_Fos._ No. But for the natural conformity of our constitutions. Because +thou art hot and moist in the third degree, and I myself cold and dry in +the first. + +_Town._ And so nature has coupled us like the elements. + +_Fos._ Thou hast nothing to do but to submit thy constitution to my +regimen. + +_Town._ You shall find me obedient in all things. + +_Foss._ It is strange, yet certain, that the intellects of the infant +depend upon the suppers of the parents. Diet must be prescrib'd. + +_Town._ So the wit of one's posterity is determin'd by the choice of +one's cook. + +_Foss._ Right. You may observe how French cooks, with their high +ragousts, have contaminated our plain English understandings. Our supper +to night is extracted from the best authors. How delightful is this +minute of tranquility! my soul is at ease. How happy shalt thou make me! +thou shalt bring me the finest boy! + + [_A knocking at the door,_ + +No mortal shall enter these doors this day. [_knocking again._] Oh, it +must be the news of poor lady Hippokekoana's death. Poor woman! such is +the condition of life, some die, and some are born, and I shall now make +some reparation for the mortality of my patients by the fecundity of my +wife. My dear thou shalt bring me the finest boy! + + + Enter footman. + +_Foot._ Sir, here's a seaman from Deptford must needs speak with you. + +_Foss._ Let him come in. One of my retale Indian merchants, I suppose, +that always brings me some odd thing. + + + Enter sailor with a child. + +What hast thou brought me, friend, a young drill? + +_Sail._ Look ye d'ye see, master, you know best whether a monkey begot +him. + +_Foss._ A meer human child. + +_Town._ Thy carelessness, Sarsnet, has exposed me, I am lost and ruin'd. +O heav'n! heav'n! No, impudence assist me. + + [_Aside._ + +_Foss._ Is the child monstrous? or dost thou bring him here to take +physick? + +_Sail._ I care not what he takes so you take him. + +_Foss._ What does the fellow mean? + +_Sail._ Fellow me no fellows. My name is Jack Capstone of Deptford, and +are not you the man that has the raree-show of oyster-shells and +pebble-stones? + +_Fos._ What if I am? + +_Sail._ Why, then my invoice is right, I must leave my cargo here. + +_Town._ Miserable woman that I am! how shall I support this fight! thy +bastard brought into thy family as soon as thy bride! + +_Fos._ Patience, patience, I beseech you. Indeed I have no posterity. + +_Town._ You lascivious brute you. + +_Fos._ Passion is but the tempestuous cloud that obscures reason; be +calm and I'll convince you. Friend, how come you to bring the infant +hither? + +_Sail._ My wife, poor woman, could give him suck no longer, for she died +yesterday morning. There's a long account, master. It was hard to trace +him to the fountain-head. I steer'd my course from lane to lane, I +spoke to twenty old women, and at last was directed to a ribbon-shop in +Covent-Garden, and they sent me hither, and so take the bantling and pay +me his clearings. + + [_Offers him the child._ + +_Fos._ I shall find law for you, sirrah. Call my neighbour Possum, he is +a justice of peace, as well as a physician. + +_Town._ Call the man back. If you have committed one folly, don't expose +yourself by a second. + +_Sail._ The gentlewoman says well. Come, master, we all know that there +is no boarding a pretty wench, without charges one way or other; you are +a doctor, master, and have no surgeons bills to pay; and so can the +better afford it. + +_Town._ Rather than you should bring a scandal on your character, I will +submit to be a kind mother-in-law. + + + Enter Justice Possum, and Clerk. + +_Fos._ Mr. justice Possum, for now I must so call you, not brother +Possum; here is a troublesome fellow with a child, which he would leave +in my house. + +_Pos._ Another man's child? he cannot in law. + +_Fos._ It seemeth to me to be a child unlawfully begotten. + +_Pos._ A bastard! who does he lay it to? + +_Fos._ To our family. + +_Pos._ Your family, _quatenus_ a family, being a body collective, cannot +get a bastard. Is this child a bastard, honest friend? + +_Sail._ I was neither by when his mother was show'd, nor when she was +unladen; whether he belong to a fair trader, or be run goods, I cannot +tell: In short here I was sent, and here I will leave him. + +_Pos._ Dost then know his mother, friend? + +_Sail._ I am no midwife, master; I did not see him born. + +_Pos._ You had best put up this matter, doctor. A man of your years, +when he has been wanton, cannot be too cautious. + +_Fos._ This is all from the purpose. I was married this morning at +seven; let any man in the least acquainted with the powers of nature, +judge whether that human creature could be conceiv'd and brought to +maturity in one forenoon. + +_Pos._ This is but talk, doctor Fossile. It is well for you, though I +say it, that you have fallen into the hands of a person, who has study'd +the civil and canon law in the point of bastardy. The child is either +yours or not yours. + +_Foss._ My child, Mr. Justice! + +_Pos._ Look ye, doctor Fossile, you confound filiation with +legitimation. Lawyers are of opinion, that filiation is necessary to +legitimation, but not _e contra_. + + [_The child cries_ + +_Foss._ I would not starve any of my own species, get the infant some +water-pap. But Mr. Justice---- + +_Pos._ The proofs, I say, doctor, of filiation are five. Nomination +enunciatively pronounc'd, strong presumptions, and circumstantial +proofs-- + +_Foss._ What is all this to me? I tell you I know nothing of the child. + +_Pos._ Signs of paternal piety, similitude of features, and commerce +with the mother. And first of the first, nomination. Has the doctor ever +been heard to call the infant, son? + +_Town._ He has call'd him child, since he came into this room. You have +indeed, Mr. Fossile. + +_Pos._ Bring hither the doctor's great bible.----Let us examine in the +blank leaf whether he be enroll'd among the rest of his children. + +_Foss._ I tell you, I never had any children. I shall grow distracted, I +shall---- + +_Pos._ But did you give any orders against registring the child by the +name of Fossile? + +_Foss._ How was it possible? + +_Pos._ Set down that, clerk. He did not prohibit the registring the +child in his own name. We our selves have observed one sign of fatherly +tenderness; clerk, set down the water-pap he order'd just now. Come we +may---- + +_Foss._ What a jargon is this! + +_Pos._ Come we now, I say, to that which the lawyers call _magnum naturae +argumentum_, similitude of features. Bring hither the child, friend; Dr. +Fossile, look upon me. The unequal circle of the infant's face, somewhat +resembles the inequality of the circumference of your countenance; he +has also the vituline or calf-like concavity of the profile of your +visage. + +_Foss._ Pish. + +_Pos._ And he is somewhat beetle-brow'd, and his nose will rise with +time to an equal prominence with the doctor's. + +_Town._ Indeed he has somewhat of your nose Mr. Fossile. + +_Foss._ Ridiculous! + +_Town._ The child is comely. + +_Pos._ Consider the large aperture of his mouth. + +_Sail._ Nay, the tokens are plain enough. I have the fellow of him at +home; but my wife told me two days ago, that this with the wall-eye and +splay-foot belong'd to you, Sir. + + [_Prue runs a-cross the stage with a letter, which Fossile snatches + from her._ + +_Fos._ Whither are you going so fast, hussy? I will examine every thing +within these walls. [_Exit Prue._] [_reads._] 'For Richard Plotwell, +esq;' This letter unravels the whole affair: As she is an unfortunate +relation of mine, I must beg you would act with discretion. + + [_Gives Possum the letter._ + +_Pos._ [_reads_] + + 'Sir, the child which you father'd is return'd back upon my hands. + Your Drury-lane friends have treated me with such rudeness, that + they told me in plain terms I should be damn'd. How unfortunate + soever my offspring is, I hope you at least will defend the + reputation of the unhappy + + 'Phoebe Clinket.' + +----As you say, doctor, the case is too plain; every circumstance hits. + + + Enter CLINKET. + +_Clink._ 'Tis very uncivil, Sir, to break open one's letters. + +_Foss._ Would I had not; and that the contents of it had been a secret +to me and all mankind for ever. Wretched creature, to what a miserable +condition has thy poetry reduc'd thee! + +_Clink._ I am not in the least mortified with the accident. I know it +has happen'd to many of the most famous daughters of Apollo; and to +myself several times. + +_Foss._ I am thunderstruck at her impudence! several times! + +_Clink._ I have had one returned upon my hands every winter for these +five years past. I may perhaps be excell'd by others in judgment and +correctness of manners, but for fertility and readiness of conception, I +will yield to nobody. + +_Foss._ Bless me, whence had she this luxuriant constitution! + +_Pos._ Patience, Sir. Perhaps the lady may be married. + +_Town._ Tis infamous, Mr. Fossile, to keep her in your house; yet though +you turn her out of doors, use her with some humanity; I will take care +of the child. + +_Clink._ I can find no _Denoueement_ of all this conversation. Where is +the crime, I pray, of writing a tragedy? I sent it to Drury-Lane house +to be acted; and here it is return'd by the wrong gout of the actors. + +_Pos._ This incident has somewhat embarrassed us. But what mean you +here, madam, by this expression? Your offspring. + +_Clink._ My tragedy, the offspring of my brain. One of his majesty's +justices of the peace, and not understand the use of the metaphor! + +_Pos._ Doctor, you have used much artifice, and many demurrers; but the +child must lie at your door at last. Friend, speak plain what thou +knowest of this matter. + +_Foss._ Let me relate my story. This morning, I married this lady, and +brought her from her lodgings, at Mrs. Chambers's, in King-street, +Covent-Garden. + +_Sail._ Mrs. Chambers! To that place I was directed, where liv'd the +maid that put the bantling out to be nurs'd by my wife for her lady; and +who she was, 'tis none of our business to enquire. + +_Pos._ Dost thou know the name of this maid? + +_Sail._ Let me consider----Lutestring. + +_Foss._ Sarsnet, thou mean'st. + +_Sail._ Sarsnet, that's right. + +_Town._ I'll turn her out of my house this moment, Filthy creature! + +_Pos._ The evidence is plain. You have cohabitation with the mother, +doctor, _currat lex_. And you must keep the child. + +_Foss._ Your decree is unjust, Sir, and I'll seek my remedy at law. As I +never was espoused, I never had carnal knowledge of any woman; and my +wife, Mrs. Susanna Townley, is a pure virgin at this hour for me. + +_Pos._ Susanna Townley! Susannah Townley! Look how runs the warrant you +drew up this morning. + + [_Clerk gives him a paper._ + +Madam, a word in private with you. [_whispers her_] Doctor, my Lord +Chief Justice has some business with this lady. + +_Foss._ My Lord Chief Justice business with my wife! + +_Pos._ To be plain with you, doctor Fossile, you have for these three +hours entertain'd another man's wife. Her husband, lieutenant Bengal, is +just returned from the Indies, and this morning took out a warrant from +me for an elopement; it will be more for your credit to part with her +privately, than to suffer her publickly to be carried off by a tipstaff. + +_Foss._ Surprizing have been the events of this day; but this, the +strangest of all, settles my future repose. Let her go--I have not +dishonoured the bed of lieutenant Bengal--Hark ye friend! Do you follow +her with that badge of her infamy. + +_Pos._ By your favour, doctor, I never reverse my judgment. The child is +yours: for it cannot belong to a man who has been three years absent in +the East-Indies. Leave the child. + +_Sail._ I find you are out of humour, master. So I'll call to-morrow for +his clearings. + + + [_Sailor lays down the child, and exit with Possum, Clerk, and + Townley._] + +_Clink._ Uncle, by this day's adventure, every one has got something. +Lieutenant Bengal has got his wife again; you a fine child; and I a plot +for a comedy; and I'll this moment set about it. + + [_Exit Clinket._ + +_Foss._ What must be, must be. [_takes up the child._] Fossile, thou +didst want posterity: Here behold thou hast it. A wife thou didst not +want; thou hast none. But thou art caressing a child that is not thy +own. What then? a thousand, and a thousand husbands are doing the same +thing this very instant; and the knowledge of truth is desirable, and +makes thy case the better, What signifies whether a man beget his child +or not? How rediculous is the act itself, said the great emperor +Antoninus! I now look upon myself as a Roman citizen; it is better that +the father should adopt the child, than that the wife should adopt the +father. + + [_Exit Fossile._ + + + + +EPILOGUE. + +Spoke by Mrs. OLDFIELD. + + + _The ancient Epilogue, as criticks write, + Was, Clap your hands, excuse us, and good-night. + The modern always was a kind essay + To reconcile the audience to the play: + More polish'd, we of late have learn'd to fly + At parties, treaties, nations, ministry. + Our author more genteelly leaves these brawls + To coffee-houses, and to coblers stalls. + His very monsters are of sweet condition, + None but the Crocodile's a politician; + He reaps the blessings of his double nature, + And, Trimmer like, can live on land or water: + Yet this same monster should be kindly treated, + He lik'd a lady's flesh----but not to eat it._ + + _As for my other spark, my favourite Mummy, + His feats were such, smart youths! as might become ye; + Dead as he seem'd, he had sure signs of life; + His hieroglyphicks pleas'd the doctor's wife._ + + _Whom can our well-bred poetess displease? + She writ like quality----with wond'rous ease: + All her offence was harmless want of wit; + Is that a crime?----ye powers, preserve the pit._ + + _My doctor too, to give the devil his due, + When every creature did his spouse pursue, + (Men sound in living, bury'd flesh, dry'd fish,) + Was e'en as civil as a wife could wish. + Yet he was somewhat saucy with his viol; + What! put young maids to that unnat'ral trial! + So hard a test! why, if you needs will make it, + Faith, let us marry first,----and then we'll take it._ + + _Who could be angry, though like Fossile teaz'd? + Consider, in three hours, the man was eas'd. + How many of you are for life beguil'd, + And keep as well the mother, as the child! + None but a Tar could be so tender-hearted, + To claim a wife that had been three years parted; + Would you do this, my friends?--believe me, never! + When modishly you part----you part for ever._ + + _Join then your voices, be the play excus'd + For once, though no one living is abus'd; + To that bright circle that commands our duties, + To you superior eighteen-penny beauties, + To the lac'd hat and cockard of the pit, } + To all, in one word, we our cause submit, } + Who think good breeding is a-kin to wit._ } + + + + +The _Publisher_'s + +_Advertisement_ to this _Edition_. + + +The following Key with the Letter annexed, was sent me from my +Correspondent in _London_; which came too late to the English Editor, to +be printed with that Edition. As the Squabble between _Cibber_ and _Gay_ +behind the Scenes of the Theatre-Royal in _Drury-Lane_, at that Time, +was very well known; we imagine the reader will not be displeased to +have a particular Account of it, now, first added to this _Dublin_ +Edition. + + + A + KEY + TO THE + NEW COMEDY; + + CALL'D, + + THREE HOURS AFTER + MARRIAGE. + + Written by a Person of Distinction in + LONDON, + + To his Friend in the County of _Cornwal_. + + With a Letter, giving an Account of the Origin + of the Quarrel between CIBBER, POPE, and GAY. + + + + +A + +KEY + +TO THE + +NEW COMEDY, _&c._ + + +To Sir H. M. + +My Friend, + +You have sent me a long letter to persuade me to an undertaking I cannot +think myself capable of executing; therefore, I must call it worse to me +than an Egyptian bondage! My frequenting the Theatre (you say) I make my +favourite amusement--I confess it--I think it a rational, instructive, +and most pleasurable one, of all those this great city affords: Where +can a man pass three hours of his idle time better? however, I never +enter the house as a critick, and therefore find myself unequal to the +task you have imposed upon me; yet notwithstanding, I will venture. But +as you make use of this old sentence in your letter, + + _Ut clavis partam, sic pandit Epistolae pectum._ + +I shall divide (as parsons do their pulpit orations) my matter into +three parts. First then I shall give you my own thoughts, which I +believe concur with at least three parts of the audience. So I shall +unlock (according to your motto) my breast, and tell you all I know or +think concerning this affair. + + +2dly. I intend to let you know as much as I do; at least, all the +persons that are satiriz'd in this merry drama. + + +3dly, And lastly, without the least favour, I shall discover according +to my judgment, from whence they have borrowed, or bordered upon any +likeness from any other dramatick piece within my knowledge. + + +Now as to the FIRST article. The expectation of all lovers of the drama, +were rais'd to the highest pitch, from the great reputation of the +authors, (the Triumvir, as they were call'd) Pope, Gay, and Arbuthnot. I +went to the Theatre the first night, but could not find the least room; +every door that was opened to me, diffus'd more heat than a baker's +oven, or the mouth of a glass-house. The next morning, I stroll'd to +several coffee-houses, where I knew the wits and criticks met like +surgeons, to dissect the body of any new piece; but I found more +opinions among them, than there are sectaries in the world: So I +resolv'd to venture a sweating the next evening, and be my own judge. +When I came to the Theatre, I found it crowded as the night before, but +fortunately got a seat in the boxes among some of my acquaintance. + +Wilk's spoke the prologue with his usual vivacity and applause! but he +had no sooner ended, and thrown the fool's cap on the stage,[D] but +the storm began, and the criticks musick of cat-calls join'd in the +chorus.--The play was acted like a ship tost in a tempest; yet +notwithstanding, through those clouds of confusion and uproar, I, as one +of the neutral powers, could discover a great many passages that gave me +much satisfaction; and while the inimitable Oldfield was speaking the +epilogue, (who performed the character of Mrs. Townley, the doctor's +wife) the storm subsided--And to speak poetically, my friend-- + +The billows seem'd to slumber on the shore. + + [D] See the two last lines of the prologue. + +But when the play was given out for the third night, (tho' the benefit +of the author was not mention'd) the roar burst out again, like sudden +thunder from two meeting clouds; but I with pleasure observ'd, the roar +of applause overcame and triumph'd. + +I went the third night to the pit, where I saw the comedy perform'd to a +numerous and polite audience with general applause! as for my own +particular part, I was extremely delighted. Thus have I unlock'd my own +sentiments concerning this three hours after marriage, and expos'd them +naked before you. And so ends the first promised article of my Key--Now +I shall proceed to the + + +SECOND, _viz._ The persons that are struck at in this drama (which has +opened so many mouths against it) and the cause which drew the satirical +lash upon them. + +Poets, that are inspir'd by Apollo are so quickly fir'd, that the least +touch sets them in a blaze. The Triumvir had been inform'd, that Dr. +Fossile, or Dr. Woodward, which you please; (for Dr. Woodward they mean +by Dr. Fossile) had very concisely affronted them all three in one +speech, _viz._ Pope's essay on critiscism, was plundered from Vida--Gays +pastoral lucubrations, were built upon Spencer, and Brown's +Britania's-pastorals, published in the year 1613--and Arbuthnot could +never be eminent in surgery, since he never study'd at Paris or Leyden; +for in Scotland, he could learn nothing, but to cure the itch. So +Fossile appears as the principal character in this ludicrous drama: He +gain'd that title tis said, by asking a man digging in a gravel-pit--if +he ever met with any Fossils? the man mistaking the Word, reply'd--no, +nor Spiggot's master; for I believe this gravel-pit was never an +ale-cellar yet. Thus have I given you all the intelligence I can, why Dr +Woodward is Dr. Fossile in this comedy. + +The other two physicians next in the dramatis personae, do not, I +believe, mean any particular persons, only to satirize pretenders, and +you know we have too many that kill without license. + +Sir Tremendous is meant for that snarling, ill-natur'd critick, Dennis, +who fell so critically upon Addison, with his billingsgate remarks on +Cato! a growler, who never yet lik'd any child of fancy but his own! and +I must declare, all of his offspring that I have seen, are as +ill-shap'd, and as hard-favour'd as the parent that begot 'em: He swells +like an invenom'd reptile, at any thing that gives pleasure to the rest +of the world, while he only torments himself; therefore he has truly +gain'd the true name of Heautontimerumenos. + +The two extraordinary lovers, Plotwell, and Underplot; there are so many +of their resemblance in this great town, that we may call them knights +of the shires, who represent them all. + +The two players by their different manner of speaking, by those whoever +convers'd with them, might be easily found to mean Wilk's and Booth. + +Now we have open'd our lock, and set to view all our men display'd in +our three hours after marriage, I shall proceed to the women, which are +but two pointed at in the drama, whatever may occur in the body of the +play, which I shall refer to the last article of my discourse. (_do not +I my friend talk like your chaplain in the country! on the day between +saturday and monday_)? + +Mrs. Townley, the heroine of our play, I am inform'd, does not suit the +character of Fossile's real wife in the least; for tis said they cannot +slander that poor woman with any other failing, than that thing so much +out of fashion call'd virtue; which seems as ridiculous as if a woman of +quality should come to court to a ball on a birth day, with a +black-bever high-crown-hat on: But they say another eminent physician's +wife sat for that picture; and the painters have done her justice in all +but the catastrophe; for the poor man has her still, nor feels he yet +any pain in the forehead; therefore shall be nameless, for I think it +hard, a man's head should be laden, for the lightness of his wife's +heels. + +Phoebe Clinket; I am a little griev'd to say, reflects a little on a +lady of your acquaintance, the Countess of W----sea, who is so much +affected with that itch of versifying, that she has implements for +writing, in every room in her house that she frequents. You and I know, +Gay has many obligations to that lady, therefore, out of justice and +good manners ought to have spar'd her. But poets provok'd, are as bad as +hornets; they care not who they sting! and I think the motto to the +thistle, (the arms of North-Britain) _Nemo me impune lacessit_, given by +James V. of Scotland, is not an improper one for a poet--That unlucky +lady was heard to say,--_Gays trivia show'd he was more proper to walk +before a chair, than to ride in one_. This sarcasm was the cause, why +the poor Countess is thrust among such a pack of motley figures on the +stage. As Hamlet says by the players; "You had better have a poets good +word, than a bad epitaph after your death." I must confess a poor +revenge upon a woman; and a revenge of this kind on any of the soft sex, +is below the dignity of man. I am of the poets opinion, who says-- + + "Too noble for revenge! which still we find + The weakest frailty of a feeble mind; + Ungenerous passion! and for man too base-- + +Thus my friend have I finish'd my 2d article, and proceed to the THIRD +and last, which shall be to consider the play, and remark every passage +that borders on any other in the dramatic way, but not with the +ill-natur'd design of a critick. + +The very first scene of the play, puts me in mind of the first entrance +of Morose, with his epicaene in Ben Johnson's silent woman; and several +other scenes in this _Three Hours after Marriage_, convinces me the +authors had that celebrated comedy often in view. But Fossile in his +first speech where he says-- + +"_I now proclaim a solemn suspension of arms between medicine and +diseases; Be this day sacred to my love._" Puts me strongly in mind of +Jupiter's ending the first act of Dryden's amphytrion: and I doubt not, +but the author had the same thought with me. + + "Let human kind their sovereign's leisure wait, + Love is this night my great affair of state: + Let this one night on providence be void: + All Jove for once, is on himself employ'd. + +In the next page Mrs. Townley says-- + +_Marriage, is not to be undertaken wantonly like brute beasts._ Do you +not think this following speech of Truwits to Morose upon his sudden +marriage, was not the father of Mrs. Townley's speech. + +"Wou'd you go to bed so soon? a man of your head and hair should owe +more to the reverend ceremony, and not mount the marriage-bed like a +town-bull, _&c._ + +The messages from his patients, I like the least of any thing in the +whole play, tho' it is a just satire on those people of rank, that dare +not be well without the advice of their physician: Yet I am angry at the +countess of Hippokekoana, who is no other than the good dutchess of +M--n--th, who generally took an emetick once a week. This lady had the +misfortune to break her thigh-bone by a fall, but her modesty was so +great, she would not allow the surgeons to apply any remedy; but by +their advice, women took their office upon them, but performed it so +ill, that the poor lady must go lame to her tomb. The annual day, on +which her illustrious husband lost his head, she fasts the four and +twenty hours: a rare example of conjugal-love! But indeed something of +this whole scene may be picked out of _Moliere_. + +In the scene between Tremendous, Clinket and the Players; that critick +talks in the usual stile of _Dennis_--But in this speech of-- + +_There is not in all this sodom of ignorance, ten righteous +criticks_--The triumvir makes a little too free with the old testament. + +Those letters that are given to the doctor in disguise of his footman, +are something like several passages in Molier's _Cecu imaginaire_. That +sign'd _Wyburn_, I believe I need not inform you, is the most noted bawd +in London. The character of Lubomirski, may be found (at least something +like it) in _Lopez de Vega_; but his water of virginity, you may find +something very like that in a play call'd the _Changeling_, written by +Middleton and Rowley in conjunction, printed 1653. + +Their Mummy may be found in a little piece in the _Theatre Italien_, +call'd the mummies of Egypt; and I believe the Nile furnish'd the +Crocodile. + +I begin to be tir'd my friend, and, therefore let me tell you, Mrs. +Townley proving no wife to Fossile, may put you in mind of _Ben +Johnson's_ silent woman, and _Congreve's_ old batchelor. + +But what of all this! who would search for what I have done, but such a +compliant puppy as myself, to please one who does not care what trouble +I take; but for taking hints from the French, Spanish, or any of our own +celebrated authors, especially if they are improved upon, as in justice +these are. I will not esteem a crime--How many whole plays have we +translated from the celebrated Moliere, that every winter gives pleasure +to a British audience? I shall never ask my cook of what ingredients my +dishes are compos'd, so my viands are wholsome and well relish'd: And +this Three Hours after Marriage, in my opinion, had not the satire been +pointed at particular people, might have furnis'd out a repast for many +winters Theatric nights. + + + + +A LETTER, _&c._ + +To the Publisher. + + + SIR, + + _I Desire you will publish this short account I send you, if you think + fit, since it cannot more properly be tacked to any other work--It + is wrote by a person who is still alive, and tho' a woman, intimate + with the poets of this century, and consequently with most of the + theatrical persons worthy notice; therefore I have sent you a careful + copy from the original, by the gentleman's consent it was wrote to._ + + +A LETTER, giving an Account of the Origin of the Quarrel between +_Cibber_, _Pope_, and _Gay_. + + +SIR, + +You tell me, it is matter of great surprize to you, that Pope like a +vicious horse, has so often flung out at the Laureat, whose apology for +his life and comedies you so much admire. Women, depend on it, Sir +Thomas, keep up a little vanity, even in the decline of life, as well as +you men; and you will certainly think so, when I tell you I can unravel +all the true reasons, and sources of that affair.--I have often informed +you, my intimacy with Mrs. Oldfield brought me the freedom of the +theatre, as well at rehearsals in the morning, as the use of her box at +night. I accompany'd her almost every morning to the _Three Hours after +Marriage_. This comedy was the source of that bitterness, and +keen-cutting satire that Pope expresses against Cibber in all his +writings. At the rehearsal of this piece, no two could express more +amity; and the former was often heard to say, with his other two +associates, Arbuthnot and Gay: "Cibber, in teaching the comedians their +parts, had struck out infinitely more humour than they themselves +conceiv'd, or even meant; and I heard Gay say"-- + + "We dug the oar, but he refin'd the gold." + +Which was plainly owning, they all three had a hand in mixing the +ingredients for this theatric pudding. + +We shall give the first appearance of Pope's resentment, in Mr. Cibber's +own words, in his letter to Pope; and then relate another passage the +laureat has omitted. + +"The play of the Rehearsal, which had lain some few years dormant, being +by his present majesty (then Prince of Wales) commanded to be reviv'd, +the part of Bayes fell to my share. To this character, there always had +been allow'd such ludicrous liberties of observation, upon any thing new +or remarkable in the state of the stage, as Mr. Bayes should think +proper to take. Much about this time the Three Hours after Marriage had +been acted, which Mr. Baye's as usual had a fling at, which in itself as +no jest, unless the audience would please to make it one. In this play, +two coxcombs being in love with a virtuoso's wife; to get unsuspected +access to her, ingenuously sent themselves as two presented rarities to +the husband, the one swath'd up like an Egyptian Mummy, and the other +sllyly cover'd in the paste board skin of a Crocodile: Upon which +poetical expedient, Mr. Bayes, when the two kings of Brentford came down +from the clouds into the throne again; instead of what my part directed +me to say, I made use of these words, _viz._ Now Sir, this revolution, I +had some thoughts of introducing by a quite different contrivance; but +my design taking air, some of your sharp wits I found, had made use of +it before me; otherwise, I intended to have stolen one of them in, in +the shape of a mummy, and the other, in that of a crocodile. The +audience by their roar of applause, show'd their approbation: But why am +I answerable for that? I did not lead them by any reflection of my own. +But this it seems was so heinously taken by Mr. Pope, that in the +swellings of his heart after the play was over, he came behind the +scenes with his lips pale, and voice trembling, to call me to account +for the insult, and, accordingly fell upon me with all the foul +language, that a wit out of his senses, could be capable of--_How durst +I have the impudence to treat any gentlemen in that_ _manner_? &c, &c, +&c. Now let the reader judge by this concern, who was the true mother of +the child--When he was almost choak'd with the foam of his passion, I +was enough recovered to make him (as near as I can remember) this +reply--_viz._ Mr. Pope, you _are so particular a man, that I must be +asham'd to return your language as I ought to do; but since you have +attacked me in so monstrous a manner, this you may depend upon, that as +long as the play continues to be acted, I will never fail to repeat the +same words over and over again_. Now, as he accordingly found I kept my +word for several nights following, I am afraid he has since thought, +that his pen was a sharper weapon than his tongue, to trust his revenge +with; and, however just cause this may be for his doing so; it is, at +least, the only cause my conscience can charge me with. + +So far has Mr. Cibber thought fit to relate of this affair, and no +farther, which is strictly true: But the laureat in this account of the +first failing of Mr. Popes friendship, makes no mention of what pass'd +between him and Mr. Gay, the fourth evening, after his sparring with Mr. +Pope: Perhaps, the death of Gay prevail'd on him to be silent, or +perhaps, that author, never having publickly attack'd him, might be his +motive for not mentioning the affair. + +Thus it was, Mr Pope's frail form not being cut out for a hero, +spirited up Mr. Gay, as a party concerned in the suppos'd affront; and +accordingly, the fourth night, after Pope's ill success, Gay, like a +valiant champion, came behind the scenes to attack Bayes at the head of +his new rais'd forces: A dangerous undertaking, since, he might have +seen, if rage had not blinded him, several horse, rang'd on each side +the field of battle, ready for the riders to mount, at the first call of +the trumpet--most of the forces were in their tents, waiting the word of +command. But _Bayes_, the general, already prepar'd, was gone from his +pavilion, and reconnoitring the numerous spectators--that is without a +metaphor: Cibber with his glove rais'd up to his eyes, (his usual +custom) was observing the audience about half an hour after five o'clock +(the play beginning in drury-lane axactly at six) when Gay accosted him. +We shall wave the short dialogue; but only observe that great poets are +as well vers'd in the vulgar language, as well as the sublime, and +perhaps, in their anger show as little politeness, as those educated in +the boarding school of billing's-gate. But at last Gays passion grew +ungovernable; he with his arm rais'd high, was going to discharge a +ponderous blow upon Baye's, but a stander by disarmed him, and prevented +the ignominious blow. They then seiz'd each other, grappled hard, and a +cuff or two were exchang'd on both sides--Gay having the advantage of +youth, and strength, threw Bayes down, yet he bravely drag'd his foe +down with him in his fall: But the affair growing a little too serious, +the combatants were parted, without bloodshed, save that Bayes got a +small scratch upon the nose, which the piece of wet brown paper, (a +property of his part) decently conceal'd from the spectators. It is +certain, one of those that endeavoured to part them, got a most severe +broken shin from one of them; so that we may be assur'd they _kick'd_ as +well as _cuff'd_. However this combat did not last so long as it takes +up in the relation. Bayes's wig went once more under the correction of +the barber, and the play began at the stated time. We cannot call this +by the pompous name of Battle, but simply skirmishing; but as Gay was +obliged to quit the field, _Bayes_ may in some sort be termed victor; +however, he triumph'd with his mummy and crocodile that night, but dropt +it afterwards, the jest growing stale. Mr. Pope's apparition to Mr. +Cibber on this occasion was known to very few, but this of Mr. Gay was +the common town and table-talk for some time, kept up by the grub-street +wits that made many a hearty meal upon it, ('till something more in +season threw it out of the bill of fare.) It is manifest, this truffing +beginning put an end to Pope's friendship for Cibber if he realy had +any; and the continuance of his enmity, for near thirty years, is no +mark of humanity. It is accounted unmanly and mean, to give a person +repeated strokes, when he has not spirit enough to resent the first; and +yet that excellent poet, had so much bitterness in his sweet wit, (if we +may be allowed to say so,) that to many it palls the taste. The reader +in this supplement, will not find Cibber's name once mentioned: The +reason is apparent; he had not done any thing to provoke; but since the +year of the three Hours after Marriage, (1717) he has a dart at him in +almost every thing he publishes--In his epistle to doctor Arbuthnot he +plainly says--(mentioning a play he was desired to recommend to the +stage) + + There (thank my stars) my whole commission ends, + Cibber and I, are luckily no friends. + +And yet it is well known, Mr. Cibber never made the least return, till +his letter to Pope 1742, and then, he declar'd to many of his friends, +he did it, because he had no other business on his hands, and that he +might not be forgot before he was dead. Of all the foibles Mr. Cibber +might be guilty of, those that are conversant with him, know malice, +envy or slander, are not in the composition. + +When a person informed him, Pope was no more; he seem'd much concern'd, +and reply'd, I am griev'd for the loss of so great a man; I was never +his enemy, and for those spots he seem'd to dash on me, his admirable +wit made me overlook them all--and I am convinced, he sometimes wrote +against the sentiments of his heart. Nay we are informed, Pope was heard +to say in his last sickness-- + +"My satires against Cibber, are not my last repented faults." + +But we are not willing to part with this Three Hours after Marriage, +without relating an odd accident, that happened the 4th night of that +play; it may be called a scene of distress, in a pantomime that befell +an unlucky lover; for it was all in dumb show: We are sure, it created +more vociferous mirth in the spectators, than any other passage of wit +or satire; and the enemies to the Triumvir, declared it was the best +thing in the whole piece. Had Hogarth been present (as he might have +been) his inimitable pencil would, have stronger ideas, of the comic +distress, than any description can do: But, perhaps, contemplating the +scene may strengthen the readers imagination. + +Cibber, was the mummy, curiously wrapt and folded with proper bandages, +painted with false Egyptian Hieroglyphics, but however false the +heraldry, his arms were at liberty. The droll facetious Penkethman, was +that amphibious devourer, the crocodile, where the painter, the tailor, +with other artificers had us'd their utmost skill: The monster's two +foremost legs, were fitted to his arms, and Penky's legs, serv'd for +those of the monster. He made a formidable figure as he crawl'd in, with +his great head, and long tail; for, tho' he was ordered to be carry'd as +a stuff'd monster, he would creep, as crocodiles should do on dry land: +When he stood upright, his face peep'd from the belly of the monster; +form'd monstrously to charm indeed! The case that brought in the +mummy-lover, was plac'd in the center of the stage behind, and the door, +or, open part, stood facing the audience upright--While they were +employ'd in their courtship, displaying their charms as lovers; +Penkethman, the crocodile, boasting much in the beauty of his long tail, +and, traversing the stage, unfortunately made such a parade with it, +that he threw down Sarsnet (the attendant and confidant of Mrs. Townley) +flat upon her back, where she discovered more linnen than other +habitiments, and, more skin and flesh than linnen, this began the first +uproar in the audience. The persons of the drama upon the stage, strove +to screen the accident as much as they could, and the crocodile, +Penkethman, (whose face was a farce) rising from giving his assistance +_to the fallen maid_; unluckilly, his back encountered the case for the +mummy, which stood upright, openmouth'd, to receive him, that case and +crocodile fell backward with such violent noise, that the body of the +crocodile lay intirely inhum'd in the case of the mummy, all absorb'd +but the head and tail of the monster; and the rapidity of the fall, had +so forcibly jamm'd all that appertain'd to Pinky's fair form, that all +the strength and skill of twenty people running to the assistance of the +monster, could not disengage him, till Pallas in the likeness of +hammers, saws, chissels, and other implements in the hands of those that +knew their use, releas'd him. This scene took more than half an hour in +the action; with what roar of applause the reader must form in his own +Imagination. Many of the audience the next night, made an interruption +of some minutes, to have the scene repeated, which so much allarmed poor +Sarsnet, that she run off the stage extremely frighted, which provok'd a +peal of laughter from the spectators. + +You see sir, it is some danger, to give a woman room to talk; but I'll +make an end with Bromias's last speech in the second act of Amphytrion, +_viz._ + + "The tongue is the last moving thing about a woman. + + + * * * * * + + + +PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + + +=First Year (1946-47)= + +Numbers 1-6 out of print. + + +=Second Year (1947-1948)= + +7. John Gay's _The Present State of Wit_ (1711); and a section on Wit +from _The English Theophrastus_ (1702). + +8. Rapin's _De Carmine Pastorali_, translated by Creech (1684). + +9. T. Hanmer's (?) _Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet_ (1736). + +10. Corbyn Morris' _Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, +etc_. (1744). + +11. Thomas Purney's _Discourse on the Pastoral_ (1717). + +12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood +Krutch. + + +=Third Year (1948-1949)= + +13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720). + +14. Edward Moore's _The Gamester_ (1753). + +15. John Oldmixon's _Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley_ +(1712); and Arthur Mainwaring's _The British Academy_ (1712). + +16. Nevil Payne's _Fatal Jealousy_ (1673). + +17. Nicholas Rowe's _Some Account of the Life of Mr. William +Shakespeare_ (1709). + +18. "Of Genius," in _The Occasional Paper_, Vol. III, No. 10 (1719); and +Aaron Hill's Preface to _The Creation_ (1720). + + +=Fourth Year (1949-1950)= + +19. Susanna Centlivre's _The Busie Body_ (1709). + +20. Lewis Theobold's _Preface to The Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + +21. Out of print. + +22. Samuel Johnson's _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749) and Two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + +23. John Dryden's _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + +24. Out of print. + + +=Fifth Year (1950-1951)= + +25. Thomas Baker's _The Fine Lady's Airs_ (1709). + +26. Charles Macklin's _The Man of the World_ (1792). + +27. Out of print. + +28. John Evelyn's _An Apologie for the Royal Party_ (1659); and _A +Panegyric to Charles the Second_ (1661). + +29. Daniel Defoe's _A Vindication of the Press_ (1718). + +30. Essays on Taste from John Gilbert Cooper's _Letters Concerning +Taste_, 3rd edition (1757), & John Armstrong's _Miscellanies_ (1770). + + +=Sixth Year (1951-1952)= + +31. Thomas Gray's _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_ (1751); and +_The Eton College Manuscript_. + +32. Prefaces to Fiction; Georges de Scudery's Preface to _Ibrahim_ +(1674), etc. + +33. Henry Gally's _A Critical Essay_ on Characteristic-Writings (1725). + +34. Thomas Tyers' A Biographical Sketch of Dr. Samuel Johnson (1785). + +35. James Boswell, Andrew Erskine, and George Dempster. _Critical +Strictures on the New Tragedy of Elvira, Written by Mr. David Mallock_ +(1763). + +36. Joseph Harris's _The City Bride_ (1696). + + +=Seventh Year (1952-1953)= + +37. Thomas Morrison's _A Pindarick Ode on Painting_ (1767). + +38. John Phillips' _A Satyr Against Hypocrites_ (1655). + +39. Thomas Warton's _A History of English Poetry_. + +40. Edward Bysshe's _The Art of English Poetry_ (1708). + +41. Bernard Mandeville's _A Letter to Dion_ (1732). + +42. Prefaces to Four Seventeenth-Century Romances. + + +=Eighth Year (1953-1954)= + +43. John Baillie's _An Essay on the Sublime_ (1747). + +44. Mathias Casimire Sarbiewski's _The Odes of Casimire_, Translated by +G. Hils (1646). + +45. John Robert Scott's _Dissertation on the Progress of the Fine Arts_. + +46. Selections from Seventeenth Century Songbooks. + +47. Contemporaries of the _Tatler_ and _Spectator_. + +48. Samuel Richardson's Introduction to _Pamela_. + + +=Ninth Year (1954-1955)= + +49. Two St. Cecilia's Day Sermons (1696-1697). + +50. Hervey Aston's _A Sermon Before the Sons of the Clergy_, (1745). + +51. Lewis Maidwell's _An Essay upon the Necessity and Excellency of +Education_ (1705). + +52. Pappity Stampoy's _A Collection of Scotch Proverbs_ (1663). + +53. Urian Oakes' _The Soveraign Efficacy of Divine Providence_ (1682). + +54. Mary Davys' _Familiar Letters Betwixt a Gentleman and a Lady_ +(1725). + + +=Tenth Year (1955-1956)= + +55. Samuel Say's _An Essay on the Harmony, Variety, and Power of +Numbers_ (1745). + +56. _Theologia Ruris, sive Schola & Scala Naturae_ (1686). + +57. Out of print. + +58. Eighteenth-Century Book Illustrations. + +59. Samuel Johnson's _Notes to Shakespeare_. Vol. I, Comedies, Part I. + +60. Samuel Johnson's _Notes to Shakespeare_. Vol. I, Comedies, Part II. + + +=Eleventh Year (1956-1957)= + +61. Elizabeth Elstob's _An Apology for the Study of Northern +Antiquities_ (1715). + +62. _Two Funeral Sermons_ (1635). + +63. _Parodies of Ballad Criticism_ (1711-1787). + +64. _Prefaces to Three Eighteenth-Century Novels_ (1708, 1751, 1797). + +65. Samuel Johnson's _Notes to Shakespeare_. Vol. II, Histories, Part I. + +66. Samuel Johnson's _Notes to Shakespeare_. Vol. II, Histories, Part +II. + + +=Twelfth Year (1957-1958)= + +67. Henry Fielding's _The Voyages of Mr. Job Vinegar_ (1740). + +68. Elkanah Settle's _The Notorious Impostor_ (1692) and _Diego +Redivivus_ (1692). + +69. _An Historical View of the ... Political Writers in Great Britain_ +(1740). + +70. G.W., _Magazine_, or _Animadversions on the English Spelling_ +(1703). + +71. Samuel Johnson's _Notes to Shakespeare_. Vol. III, Tragedies, Part +I. + +72. Samuel Johnson's _Notes to Shakespeare._ Vol. III, Tragedies, Part +II. + + +=Thirteenth Year (1958-1959)= + +73. Samuel Johnson's _Notes to Shakespeare_. Vol. III, Tragedies, Part +III. + +74. _Seventeenth-Century Tales of the Supernatural._ + +75. John Joyne, _A Journal_ (1679). + +76. Andre Dacier. _Preface to Aristotle's Art of Poetry_ (1705). + +77-78. David Hartley, _Various Conjectures on the Perception, Motion, +and Generation of Ideas_ (1746). + + +=Fourteenth Year (1959-1960)= + +79. William Herbert, Third Earl of Pembroke's _Poems_ (1660). + +80. [P. Whalley's] _An Essay on the Manner of Writing History_ (1746). + +81. Two Burlesques of Lord Chesterfield's Letters _The Graces_ (1774) +_The Fine Gentleman's Etiquette_ (1776). + +82. Henry Fuseli's _Remarks on the Writings and Conduct of J. J. +Rousseau_ (1767). + +83. _Sawney and Colley_ (1742) and other Pope Pamphlets. + +84. Richard Savage's _An Author To Be Lett_ (1729). + + +=Fifteenth Year (1960-1961)= + +85-86. _Essays on the Theatre from Eighteenth-Century Periodicals_. +Selected, with an introduction, by John Loftis. [double issue] + +87. Daniel Defoe, _Of Captain Misson and his Crew_ (1728). Introduction +by Maximillian E. Novak. + +88. Samuel Butler, _Poems_. Selected, with an introduction, by Alexander +C. Spence. + +89. Henry Fielding, _Ovid's Art of Love_ (1760). Introduction by Claude +E. Jones. + +90. Henry Needler, _Works_ (1728). Selected, with an introduction, by +Marcia Allentuck. + + + * * * * * + + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + + +_General Editors_ + + R. C. BOYS + University of Michigan + + RALPH COHEN + University of California, Los Angeles + + VINTON A. DEARING + University of California, Los Angeles + + LAWRENCE CLARK POWELL + Wm. Andrews Clark Memorial Library + + +_Corresponding Secretary_: Mrs. EDNA C. DAVIS, Wm. Andrews Clark +Memorial Library + + +The Society's purpose is to publish reprints (usually facsimile +reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. All +income of the Society is devoted to defraying costs of publication and +mailing. + +Correspondence concerning subscriptions in the United States and Canada +should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, 2205 +West Adams Boulevard, Los Angeles 18, California. Correspondence +concerning editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general +editors. The membership fee is $4.00 a year for subscribers in the +United States and Canada and 15/- for subscribers in Great Britain and +Europe. British and European subscribers should address B.H. Blackwell, +Broad Street, Oxford, England. + + +Publications for 1961-1962 + +John Gay, Alexander Pope, and John Arbuthnot, _Three Hours After +Marriage_ (1717). Introduction by John Harrington Smith. [double issue] + +John Norris, _Cursory Reflections Upon a Book Call'd, An Essay +Concerning Human Understanding_ (1690). Introduction by Gilbert D. +McEwen. + +An. Collins, _Divine Songs and Meditacions_ (1653). Introduction by +Stanley Stewart. + +An Essay on the _New Species of Writing Founded by_ Mr. _Fielding_ +(1751). Introduction by Alan D. McKillop. + +_Hanoverian Ballads._ Selected, with an Introduction, by John J. +McAleer. + + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_WILLIAM ANDREWS CLARK MEMORIAL LIBRARY_ + +2205 WEST ADAMS BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES 18, CALIFORNIA + +Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF +CALIFORNIA. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Three Hours after Marriage, by +John Gay and Alexander Pope and John Arbuthnot + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THREE HOURS AFTER MARRIAGE *** + +***** This file should be named 37667.txt or 37667.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/6/6/37667/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Joseph Cooper and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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