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diff --git a/37639.txt b/37639.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2f9c207 --- /dev/null +++ b/37639.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1500 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 62, +January 20, 1872, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 62, January 20, 1872 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: October 5, 2011 [EBook #37639] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JAN 20, 1872 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 62. +JANUARY 20, 1872. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. + +_Fond Parent._ "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE +ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF." + +_Mr. Stimpson._ "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!" + + * * * * * + + CASE OF REAL DISTRESS. + +WE do not covet the post of Prime Minister, nor yet that of Lord +Chancellor, especially if, when Parliament re-assembles, a recent +judicial appointment should be sharply discussed. We can think of the +choice of a new Speaker without discontent with our own lowly lot, and +at the present time envy of the Lord Chief Justice of the Common Pleas +is not the predominant feeling in our breasts. But of all places, posts, +offices, appointments, and dignities within the reach of an Englishman, +the one which excites in us the least desire is that of "Examiner of +Plays." + +Who, with a heart, can resist feelings of the deepest commiseration, the +most profound pity for the sufferings of another, when he hears that in +twelve short years it has been the unhappy lot of the present Examiner +to read one thousand eight hundred dramatic pieces--one thousand eight +hundred tragedies, comedies, melodramas, farces, pantomimes, burlesques, +and extravaganzas? There are labours which no salary can remunerate, +services which no fees can requite. + + * * * * * + + A DISTINGUISHED "FRIEND." + + "In consideration of a costly present which MR. JOSEPH PEASE, of + South-end, Darlington, has made to the Spanish nation, the young + King of that country has conferred upon him the Grand Cross of a + Spanish order, and MR. PEASE, who is a Quaker, has agreed to + accept the distinction."--_Echo._ + +A QUAKER a Grand Cross! We should as soon have expected to be introduced +to a Quaker Field Marshal. Henceforth the sensation of surprise must be +numbered amongst the lost feelings. Nothing now can move us more. Not +the sun rising in the west, not the spectacle of an Irish Roman Catholic +Bishop teaching in a Protestant Sunday school, not a Teetotal Lord +Mayor, not the appointment of MR. TOMLINE as Master of the Mint, or SIR +CHARLES DILKE as Lord-Lieutenant of Middlesex, not the total abolition +of the Income Tax, not the conversion of MR. WHALLEY and MR. NEWDEGATE +to Popery, not the purification of the streets,--no, not even the +bestowal of the Grand Cross of our own Order of the Bath on some +Englishman eminent in Art, Literature, or Science! + + * * * * * + + HOME-RULE. + +HAS Repeal, that in 'Forty was folly, + Grown sense in Eighteen-seventy-two? +Will the walls that defied Big DAN'S volley, + Be by BUTT'S brass two-pounder split through? + +Has PADDY, that still has craved ruling + And rulers, in wrong as in right, +Of a sudden out-grown schools and schooling, + And shot to Self-Government's height? + +And was it but bottomless boasting, + With a point from Hibernian wit,-- +That there ne'er yet was Irishman roasting, + But an Irishman's hand turned the spit? + +Is it JOHN that across the Atlantic + Stamps PAT Order's foe ever known; +And declares him a nuisance gigantic, + Till Yankee Home-Rule ousts his own? + +Must hist'ry, as writ all untruly, + Like Hebrew, be read in reverse, +That, since STRONG-BOW, shows Ireland unruly, + With lawlessness cursed as chief curse? + +When the best of the race for home-ruling + Are those that Home-Rule most distrust; +As convinced that to trust Irish "tooling," + Will bring Erin's car in the dust. + +Home-Rule! 'Tis a compound sonorous, + Fine phrase on a green flag to fly; +But take stock of the stuff that's before us-- + And who shall the Home-Rule supply? + +Is't your own Irish Lords, Irish Commons, + Who adorned College Green long ago? +But to London would rather hear summons, + Than in Dublin be tied by the toe: + +For the Greenest of all, the best brother + Of PAT in JOHN BULL can discern; +And to cool English air from the smother + Of your factions, is thankful to turn. + +Is't the Lawyers, who look for preferment, + Praise, pence, and distinction, o'er sea; +And when they have ris'n by your ferment, + Will be glad your close corking to see? + +Is't your National Papers--press-razors, + Produced not to shave, but to sell-- +Whose scribes might seem genuine blazers, + Did not conjurors spit fire as well? + +Is't your Priests, with the gag and the blinders, + Which Church would fain use to tame Law: +Their pincers, for law-reason's grinders, + Their scissors, for lay-reason's claw? + +Is't your Peasants, in feuds and in factions + Stark mad, for a nothing or name: +In their lodges, at murder's black pactions, + Or from a dyke-back taking aim? + +In short, gauging all ranks and classes-- + Those who are, or will be, by the ears-- +The units, as well as the masses, + Lawyers, traders, priests, press, peasants, peers-- + +All ages, from seventy to twenty, + All shades, from deep knave to born fool-- +I find means of "Home MIS-rule" in plenty, + But where are the means of "Home _Rule_"? + + * * * * * + + =A Coming Retirement.= + +_The Speaker's Commentary_ is already favourably +known. We anticipate a very favourable commentary +on the SPEAKER, when Parliament re-assembles. + + * * * * * + +"DONNE'S SATIRES."--Pantomimes without political +jokes. + + * * * * * + + OUR POCKET-BOOK AGAIN. + +[Illustration] + +REALLY, greatness has its multifold inconvenience. _Falstaff_ wished +that his name were not so terrible to the enemy, as he should then be +less urgently called upon to go and fight. _Mr. Punch_ wishes that his +works were not so universally attractive, as he should not then have to +answer so many questions about them. He has actually had to receive a +Deputation upon the subject of his splendid and unparalleled Pocket-Book +for 1872. It appears that certain improvements which he introduced into +the volume have given the most enormous and outrageous satisfaction to +the majority of mankind, and that the demand for the book has been +excessive--almost inconvenient. But a minority of excellent persons, who +hate all kinds of changes, have complained that by taking out certain +blank pages, he has prevented the complainants from embalming their own +observations by the side of his preternatural wit and humour. As +aforesaid, a Deputation on the subject approached the presence last +Saturday. _Mr. Punch_, of course, listened with his usual affability. +The strong points of the applicants were, that they had been accustomed +for years to write their own biographies and engagements in the sacred +volume, and that the record of their lives thus became nearly +imperishable, as no one in his right senses would ever destroy a +_Punch's Pocket-Book_. They therefore humbly begged him to restore the +old form. + +_Mr. Punch_ smiled, and gently said that of course he must be the best +judge of what his friend the Universe required at his hands, and this +proposition was conceded with respectful acclamation. He might just +suggest that his Pocket-Book, although a precious jewel, was not a thing +to be locked up in a cabinet, but one to be the light and joy of a +household for a year, but it might not be so evident that personal +entries, as "_Charles very cross"--"Sweet letter from Arabella,_" +"_Bless Smithson's mistletoe!_" "_I hate Aunt Popkins_," "_Said I had +not dined at Greenwich:" "Ridiculous sermon by new curate_," and the +like, were equally adapted for the perusal of the said household. Such +things might be confided to a humbler receptacle. But the pleas being +renewed, without reference to the answer (we need hardly remark that +most of his visitors were of the sex "that can't argue, and pokes fires +from the top," as good ARCHBISHOP WHATLEY said) _Mr. Punch_ blandly +promised that the views of the deputation should receive the utmost +consideration at his hands. And when he had thus spoken he dismissed the +assembly--or rather conducted it to a sumptuous, yet delicate lunch. + + * * * * * + + =Duties and Imposts.= + +_Important Notice to Travellers._--Any person arriving from the +Continent is permitted to clear his throat at the Custom House free of +all duty. + + * * * * * + + EVENINGS FROM HOME. + +THE next evening TOMMY was dressed in an unusual style of elegance: +every article of his attire was of the most exquisite cut; every species +of ornament that fashion permitted to decorate his person was his; not a +stud was omitted, nor was one drop, less than necessary, of +india-rubber-boot-polish forgotten that could tend to render his toilet +perfect. And, indeed, neither MR. BARLOW nor HARRY were far behind him +in appearance on this memorable occasion, which was nothing less than +that of their first visit to the ROYAL GRECIAN THEATRE, in the City +Road. + +Here, from their stalls (which were remarkably inexpensive, being, +indeed, only one shilling and sixpence each) they surveyed the wonderful +sight which presented itself to them, of a house densely packed from the +floor to the ceiling. + +The Pantomime was the only piece played, and was entitled _Zig-Zag, the +Crooked_. When MR. GEORGE CONQUEST, who represented _Zig-Zag_ himself, +first appeared, as if hewn out of the rock, inanimate as the Sphinx, a +thrill of astonishment ran through the audience, which gradually showed +itself in vehement applause when _Zig-Zag's_ fearful eyes began to move, +as at the command of the Young Prince, the monster became endued with +life and descended from the rock. + +_Tommy._ I declare this is the most extraordinary thing I ever saw. + +_Harry._ Indeed, you are right, and I could not have conceived anyone +being at once so hideous and so diverting. + +Presently there was a brilliant scene, in which there were some +admirable selections from the works of various composers, principally +French, executed in a manner so creditable to the performers, as to call +forth from MR. BARLOW the remark that he had heard nothing better of its +kind in any Theatre this year. When MR. CONQUEST and his Son leaped +several times from the stage to the top scenes ("which" MR. BARLOW +informed his pupils "are termed flies"), and tumbled through trap-doors, +coming up again so quickly, and in so great a variety of places all over +the "boards," that the audience was in a state of constant excitement as +to what next might be going to happen; and when finally _Zig-Zag_ took +such a header, as HARRY had seen the big boys at school do, when they +were going to dive for chalk eggs, from the flies right through the +stage, and was lost to all eyes, then the enthusiastic admiration of MR. +BARLOW and his young friends knew no bounds, and they evinced their +pleasure, as did the rest of the company, in such rounds of applause as +brought on MR. CONQUEST and his Son, without their wigs and false noses, +to bow their acknowledgments. + + * * * * * + +The following night they went to the GAIETY to witness the performance +of MR. TOOLE in _Dearer than Life_, which MR. BARLOW had seen before, +and in _Thespis_, the Christmas novelty at this theatre. + +_Tommy._ If you please, Sir, what sort of piece is this? + +_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, my dear TOMMY, I cannot exactly tell. And it is +nearly impossible for an ordinarily well-instructed person to comprehend +the precise meaning of any one subject on which those who should know +best are apparently disagreed, and who, in consequence, signally fail in +rendering their own meaning intelligible in the public. + +_Harry._ That is true, Sir, and I perceive that you have noticed how, at +various times, this same piece has been announced as a "Musical +Extravaganza," an "Operatic Burlesque," a "Grotesque Drama, illustrated +with music by MR. SULLIVAN," a "Comic Opera," and lately an English +Opera Bouffe. As perhaps next week it may be styled a _Tragicomicopera_, +or some other title, I would like, Sir, to join TOMMY in his question as +to what you suppose this piece really to be? + +_Mr. Barlow._ Why, then, for my part, I suppose it is intended for a +specimen of English _Opera bouffe_. + +_Harry._ And what, Sir, is _Opera bouffe_? + +_Mr. Barlow._ It is a French burlesque--a vehicle for extravagances in +costume, in acting, and in singing. It is in one, two, three, or even +five Acts, and differs from the English burlesque in that it is written +in prose, and depends mainly for its success upon the original music +written for it by some composer, instead of on selections from various +popular sources. In this piece, for example, the dialogue is prosy--I +mean in prose--and the music has been written to suit it. I think we +may, therefore, suppose this piece to be an English _Opera bouffe_. + +_Tommy_ (_during the First Act_). I do not understand what characters +these worthy people represent who are trying their best to divert us. + +MR. BARLOW, who had been giving the play his closest attention, seemed +to be unable to enlighten his pupil, and requested him to listen to what +was going on, and occasionally refer to the programme, by which means he +would probably arrive at some definite conclusion. + +_Harry._ Truly, Sir, this piece reminds me of what you told me about +NEWTON'S _Laws of Motion_, and I look forward to being very happy and +lively to-morrow morning. + +_Mr. Barlow._ I am glad to hear it, HARRY. But how do you connect such a +result with the _Laws of Motion_? + +_Harry._ Because, Sir, you told me that "Forces acting and reacting are +always equal and contrary to each other." So, Sir, after this night is +over, we may fairly expect a most exhilarating reaction. + +TOMMY was so much struck by this fresh instance of HARRY'S capacity for +adapting his learning to whatever circumstances might present +themselves, that he determined to learn the science of mechanics on the +very first opportunity. + +The audience continued to listen to the piece with a serenity which +nothing could disturb, except the occasional appearance of MR. TOOLE, +who gave utterance to such quaint drolleries, of his own introduction, +as sent the people into short spasms of laughter, in which MASTER TOMMY +most heartily joined, while MR. BARLOW applauded as loudly as the rest +of the company. But HARRY, whose temper was not quite so pliable, could +not conceal the weariness that was gradually creeping over him. He +gaped, he yawned, he stretched, he even pinched himself in order to keep +his attention alive, but all in vain. He managed to rouse himself twice; +once when MR. TOOLE was singing an additional verse to his song (where, +indeed, the accompaniment, consisting-of railway noises, would not let +him sleep), and once when MADEMOISELLE CLARY was exercising her skill in +a rather pretty melody. But at length the narcotic influence of the +dialogue, conspiring with the opiate charms of the music, he could +resist no longer, but insensibly fell back upon his stall, fast asleep. +This was soon remarked by his neighbours, who straightway conceived an +unfavourable opinion of HARRY'S breeding, while he, in the meantime, +enjoyed the most placid repose, undisturbed by either the envious +remarks of some among the audience, or by the nudgings administered to +his elbow by his friend TOMMY; and, indeed, his slumber was not entirely +dissipated until the performance was finished. + +_Harry_ (_on their return to their Lodgings_). Your remarks, TOMMY, +to-night remind me of the story of _Polemo_ and the _Continuous +Highlander_. + +MR. BARLOW here made some excuse for retiring to his room; and as HARRY +was on the point of commencing the story, TOMMY asked him to await his +return, as he was only going to fetch his slippers, in order to sit and +listen more comfortably to his friend's narrative. + +HARRY consented to wait for him, but, at the end of two hours, as TOMMY +did not return, he retired to his own room, and soon fell asleep. + + * * * * * + + THE FOURTH R IN MERTHYR. + +IN an article which appeared the other day our orthodox contemporary, +the _Western Mail_, criticised certain late proceedings of the Merthyr +School Board relative to the Fourth R difficulty in Education. Those +proceedings, says that respectable journal, "were saved from being +utterly ludicrous only by the gravity of the subjects which were under +discussion." But for that consideration, the _Western Mail_ is of +opinion that it would have been good fun "to watch the efforts that were +being made to realise that most delusive of all theoretical +ideas--unsectarian as opposed to secular education." Perhaps most +persons will think that those efforts were, as far as they went, not +altogether unsuccessful, seeing that, after some discussion bearing on +theology, the Board concluded, on the motion of one of its principal +Members--a lady interested in the welfare of her species, MRS. CRAWSHAY +of Cyfartha--that the sole form of devotion, public or private, dictated +by the Founder of Christianity, "should be the sole form of public +devotion employed in the schools." The REV. JOHN GRIFFITHS, the Rector, +"intimated that he would be quite contented with the proposed limitation +of the form of prayer, provided that a doxology were added, recognising" +a doctrine which Unitarians do not recognise. The suggestion certainly +was creditable to a clergyman of the Church of England who keeps a +conscience. It was professional; but the doxology is one of those +special matters in the Fourth R on which professors, and doctors too, +differ. The orthodoxology of one denomination is the heterodoxology of +another. + +There are forms of public devotion in common use as the prologue to +public dinners. They are invocations in which all present can join, +whatever their belief may be as to the Fourth R--if they have any belief +at all--and if they have none, what then? It would be conscientious of a +Church of England Clergyman to propose the superaddition of a Doxology +to a Grace; but would it be wise? Would it not probably set a company of +mixed denominations quarrelling over their soup? + +In relation to food for the mind, MRS. CRAWSHAY proposed to deal with +the Fourth R in a way analogous to that which experience has proved the +most convenient method of adjoining it to food for the body. Herein she +has acted on principles which many persons, besides a writer in the +_Western Mail_, may call "illogical and unsafe," but no thinking man, or +woman either, would call those persons philosophers. If every School +Board were to legislate as to the Fourth R simply on the principle of +teaching just so much of it as children can be expected to understand, +would not their practical arrangement be of necessity about the same as +that recommended by MRS. CRAWSHAY? + + * * * * * + + SUCH A BOOK! + +[Illustration] + +BIG books are big evils, says some old Greek, not of the vigorous type +here depicted. _Mr. Punch_ seldom agrees with anybody, and he distinctly +disagrees with the Ancient in question. One big book, for instance, +which is no evil, but a good, is _Kelly's Post-Office Directory_, with +which he has been favoured, and which he has been perusing with avidity +ever since it arrived. It was remarked to a clownish servant, who was +eating away at a vast Cheshire cheese, that he was a long time at +supper, and his triumphant answer was that a cheese of that size was not +got through in a hurry. The remark, but not the clownishness, is adopted +by _Mr. Punch_ in regard to the Kelly Book. He has, as yet, read only +the first thousand pages or so, but he intends to complete his labour. +The volume contains the name and address of everybody, in London or the +suburbs, whose name and address anybody can possibly want. _Mr. Punch's_ +own grand and brilliant idea is, to do with KELLY something like what +BAYLE did for MORERI. He meditates issuing a _Kelly_ with vast notes of +his own, in which he proposes to give a biography and anecdotes of +everybody mentioned in the original book. As there will be several +thousand volumes, the work must be published by subscriptions, which +perhaps MR. KELLY will be good enough to canvass and collect for _Mr. +Punch_. The _Kelly-Punch Biography_ will be a production worthy the +gigantic genius of the age, and _Mr. Punch_ admits that his +collaborateur has admirably done _his_ part of the work. + + * * * * * + + HISTORIANS AND HERETICS. + +BY attempting to enforce the Infallibility Dogma on those inconsistent +people, who, calling themselves Old Catholics, have seceded from Popery +in exercising their private judgment, and refusing, though ordered by an +OEcumenical Council, to eat dirt, the Archbishops of the Roman +Obedience appear to be waking snakes. The _Pall Mall Gazette_ a few days +since, said:-- + + "It was announced in our latest edition yesterday, that the + ARCHBISHOP OF MUNICH has excommunicated PROFESSOR FROSCHHAMMER. + To-day a German correspondent informs us that the Professor has + published an essay, in which he proves that the Catholic Clergy + are all excommunicated for adopting the Copernican system and + taking interest on money." + +Professors FROSCHHAMMER and DOeLLINGER, however, are snakes in a more +serious sense than the ordinary cobras, rattle-snakes, copperheads, and +vipers in general which the Fathers of the Lateran Council would mean by +snakes, as a name for heretics. Hitherto heretics have been regarded by +the Roman Catholic hierarchy as vipers which, in impugning Authority, +bite a file. The above-named Professors appeal to History against the +POPE. DR. MANNING may declare this appeal to be treason. He might add +that it is undeniable treason. The reproach of treason lies in failure. + + "But when it prospers none dare call it treason." + +Such snakes as PROFESSOR DOeLLINGER and PROFESSOR FROSCHHAMMER bite +things more vulnerable than files. They bite legs and feet, through +scarlet stockings, and white satin cross-embroidered slippers. + + * * * * * + + =A Creed Miscalled.= + +THE researches of MR. FFOULKES and other learned investigators appear to +have proved that the creed of St. Athanasius, so-called, was not +composed until ages after the decease of that personage. If so, it was +unduly entitled with his name. Considering the purport of certain +generally unpopular clauses in Athanasius his Creed, one conceives that +it might, perhaps, be more appropriately styled the Creed of +Anathema-maran-athanasius. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CHEEK!"] + +_Commercial Gent_ (_to Swell who was smoking a fragrant Havannah_). +"WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME, SIR, BY CHANGING INTO ANOTHER CARRIAGE, OR PUTTING +YOUR CIGAR OUT _PRO TEM_.?" + +_Swell_ (_nonchalantly_). "O, CERTAINLY." (_Throws his Cigar out of the +Window._) + +_Commercial Gent_ (_complacently producing and filling his Meerschaum_). +"SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU, BUT I NEVER CAN ENJOY MY PIPE WHEN THERE'S A BAD +WEED A GOIN'!!" + + * * * * * + + FROM GALWAY TO CANDY. + +MR. W. H. GREGORY, the accomplished Member for Galway, goes to Ceylon as +Governor. We firmly believe that the AEdile rejoiceth at this, as MR. +GREGORY knows a deal about Art, and the AEdile loveth not such men. _Mr. +Punch_ regrets to lose a bright speaker from the House, but is glad of +his promotion. It will be no more, + + "GREGORY, remember thy swashing blow." + +The Honourable Member's "blow" will be had where-- + + "The spicy breezes + Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle. + And no one ever sneezes, + Or feels a touch of bile." + +Such will be the Gregorian Chant for some time to come. A pleasant +exile, and a safe return, are _Mr. Punch's_ sweet wishes to him who +departeth for Candy. + + * * * * * + + UN MONSIEUR SMITH. + +AMONG the news of the other day appeared the following:-- + + "Two Frenchmen, one of whom, however, gives the name of SMITH, + are in custody, charged with the commission of several + burglaries in the suburbs of the Metropolis." + +You would have liked to hear one of the Frenchmen give the name of +SMITH. His tongue, surely, betrayed him. M. VAURIEN, or whatever his +real name was, of course, in attempting to give the name of SMITH, gave +that of SMEET or SMIS. Give the name of SMITH, indeed! A Frenchman might +as well try to give the password of Shibboleth. + + * * * * * + + A WORKING MAN ON WORK. + +AT the National Congress of Trades Societies at Nottingham, last week, a +MR. GRAHAM said:-- + + "In his opinion it was one of the rights of a free man to cease + work when he wished, either for reasonable or even unreasonable + causes." + +This is so exactly _Mr. Punch's_ belief that, wishing at this identical +moment to cease work, for the reasonable or unreasonable cause that he +feels more inclined to smoke, he knocks off, without appending any +proper and moral observations to MR. GRAHAM'S _dictum_. Whether MR. +GRAHAM keeps any sort of servant, and if so, whether MR. GRAHAM +recognises the right in question when he wants his beer fetched, or his +boots cleaned, is the only query that _Mr. Punch_ chooses to exert +himself to put. But he must add that the world would go on delightfully +if this rule were always acted upon; and he is glad that the Trade +Societies are enlightened enough to do their best to bring on a +Millennium. + + * * * * * + + =Suggestion to Mr. Lowe.= + +LAY a heavy tax on all persons telling old jokes, making old puns. Let +the tax be doubled in the case of any person attempting to pass off such +old joke or pun as "a good thing he's just heard," or as "a funny thing +that happened to his cousin the other day." MR. LOWE will find +public-spirited men ready to hand in nearly all clubs who will +voluntarily give their services, and for a moderate percentage will act +as Collectors of this particular form of taxation at every dinner-party +(where the name and address of the offender will be taken down), and in +Society's drawing-rooms. This and a tax on photographs will bring in a +handsome additional revenue for Eighteen-Seventy-Two. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STILL BIGGER "CLAIMANT."] + + + + + MY HEALTH. + (_Concluded._) + +[Illustration] + +WE somehow turn the dinner conversation upon some peculiar way of +cultivating mangel. PENDELL looks at Old RUDDOCK, and, alluding to the +last speaker's remark, whatever it was, says, "Aha! that isn't the way +we grow mangel in the South, is it, MR. RUDDOCK?" and therewith gives +Old RUDDOCK such a humorous look, as if they had, between them, several +good jokes about mangel, which, when told by Old RUDDOCK, would set the +table in a roar. + +I turn towards him with a propitiatory smile, as much as to say, "You +see I'm ready for any of your funny stories." Old RUDDOCK glances up at +me from his plate (he hasn't looked up much since the beginning of +dinner), and replies, gravely and simply, "No." Whereat PENDELL almost +roars with laughter, and nods at me knowingly, as if asking if RUDDOCK +isn't a character. He may be. Perhaps it requires the wine to draw him +out, but he hasn't, as yet, said anything funny or witty; in fact, he +hasn't said anything at all. The conversation, otherwise, is general and +well distributed. Topics principally local. + +As far as I am concerned, it is not unlike being suddenly given a bass +part in a quintette, where the other four know their music off by heart. +I speak from experience, remembering how, in the instance alluded to, I +came in wherever I could, with very remarkable effect, and generally at +least an octave too low, leaving off with the feeling that if we had +been encored (of which there wasn't, under the circumstances, the +slightest possible chance), I should have come out very strong, and +_quite_ in tune. As it was, I had first to find my voice, which seemed +to have gone down like the mercury in a barometer on a cold day, and +having succeeded in producing it, I had then to issue it in notes. + +During dinner I am frequently brought into the conversation, +apologetically, and appealed to out of politeness, as "probably not +taking much interest in these matters." + +The matters in question are usually something vexatious with regard to +paupers, a political question deeply mixed up with the existence of the +Yeomanry, the state of the roads in the next district, the queer temper +of a neighbouring clergyman, the difficulty of dealing with Old SOMEBODY +at a vestry meeting, the right of some parish authorities to bury +somebody who oughtn't, or ought, to have been buried without somebody +else's consent; the best mode of making a preserve, a difference of +opinion as to varieties of cider, the probabilities of a marriage +between TRE-SOMEONE of Tre-somewhere with POL-SOMEBODY of Pol-something +else, and so forth. On consideration, I _am_ interested. For, to a +reflective mind, is not all this the interior mechanism of the Great +British Constitution? Of course. + +The only thing that Old RUDDOCK says the whole time, is that he wouldn't +keep Cochin China fowls even if they were given him. + +"Wouldn't you?" exclaims PENDELL, looking slily at me and beginning to +laugh, evidently in anticipation of some capital story, or a witticism +from RUDDOCK. No, not another word. He is, it strikes me, reserving +himself. I turn to my partner, and try to interest her in Ramsgate, +Torquay, the Turkish bath, London and Paris news. She doesn't like +Torquay, has never been to Ramsgate, and from what she has heard of it +thinks it must be vulgar (to which I return, "O, dear no," but haven't +got any proof that it isn't. I find out that she goes every season to +London, and knows more about operas than I do, and finally was brought +up in Paris, and generally stops there for a month yearly with her Aunt, +so that I am unable to give her any information on my special subjects, +and as she clearly wants to listen to some story which TREGONY of +Tregivel, on the other side of her, is telling, I feel that I'd better +continue my dinner silently, or draw RUDDOCK out. I try it, but RUDDOCK +won't come out. + +_Dessert._--TREGONY of Tregivel _does_ come out genially, without the +process of drawing. He has some capital Cornish stories, with an +inimitable imitation of Cornish dialect. + +_Flash._--While he is telling a rather long anecdote to think of +something good and new to cap it. Why not something with (also) an +imitation of dialect, or brogue. I've got a very good thing about a +Scotchman, but can't remember it in time. + +Odd how stories slip away from you just at the moment you especially +want to remember them. During a pause in the conversation I remember my +story, and secure attention for it by suddenly asking PENDELL (which +startles him) if "he's ever heard," &c., and of course he, politely, +hasn't. Odd. Somehow, this evening I _can't_ recall the Scotch accent. I +try a long speech (not usually belonging to the story) in Scotch, so as +to work myself up to it, but, somehow or other, it will run into Irish. +My story, therefore, takes somewhat this form. I say, "Then the +Scotchman called out, 'Och, bedad'--I mean, 'Ye dinna ken'"--and so +forth. Result, failure. But might tell it later, when I'm really in the +humour, which I evidently am _not_ now, and yet I thought I was. + +Old RUDDOCK begins to come out, not as a _raconteur_, but as an +interrupter, which is a new phase of character. + +For example, TREGONY commences one of his best Cornish stories, to which +we are all listening attentively, something about an uncle and a nephew, +and a cart. + +"They went," says TREGONY, "to buy a cart"---- + +"A what?" says RUDDOCK, really giving his whole mind to it. + +"A cart," answers TREGONY. + +"O," returns RUDDOCK, "I beg pardon. Yes, well"-- + +"Well," resumes TREGONY, "they wanted something cheap, as they had no +use for it except to get home,----" + +"Get what?" asks RUDDOCK. + +"Home," replies TREGONY, evidently a bit nettled. + +"Oh, ah! yes," returns RUDDOCK. "Home--well?" + +"Well," TREGONY continues, looking towards his opposite neighbour, so as +to avoid Old RUDDOCK if possible, "the landlord of the Inn says to them, +'I'll lend you and NEVVY BILL a cart----'" + +RUDDOCK'S in again with "A what?" + +I can't help turning upon him, and saying, rather angrily, "A cart!" I +feel inclined to add, "You old idiot." Then I say to TREGONY, +encouragingly, "Yes." + +"'Only' (continues TREGONY), says the Landlord, joking them, 'mind yew +du bring the wheels back safe and sound.' So they promised, and then +they went about the town till it was rather late and getting dark----" + +"Getting _what_?" asks Old RUDDOCK. Everybody annoyed, and two persons +besides myself repeat the word "dark" to him. + +With these interruptions, and the consequent necessity of making it all +quite clear, specially when it comes to TREGONY imitating the +conversation between Uncle and Nephew, in two voices, when Old RUDDOCK +perpetually wants to know "_Who_ said that," and so puzzles TREGONY that +sometimes he makes the Uncle take the Nephew's voice, and _vice versa_, +and the story is getting into difficulties, when the servant enters with +a message to our Host from MRS. PENDELL, which brings us to our feet, +and into the drawing-room, TREGONY promising me the story quietly in a +corner. + +The other ladies have come. We all try to enter the drawing-room +carelessly, as if the ladies weren't there, or as if we'd been engaged +in some fearful conspiracy in the next room, and were hiding our +consciousness of guilt under a mask of frivolity. MISS BODD, of +Popthlanack, is alone at a table, turning over the pages of a +photographic album. I join her. + +_Careful Flash._--Take care never to offer an opinion on photographic or +any other sort of portraits, unless you're quite sure of your ground. + +I remark generally that I don't care about photographic portraits. +Before MISS BODD can answer, I hear a rustle behind me, and a voice asks +simply, "Why?" + +Good gracious! _It is_--MISS STRAITHMERE! She is staying with the +CLETHERS ["MR. CLETHER is here," PENDELL tells me. "He's written a work +on the Moon. Quite a character----"], and as the REV. MR. CLETHER is the +Rector of Penwiffle, she is not a mile from the house, and will be here +every day. + +Singing and playing. MISS STRAITHMERE asks me, "Why I'm so serious? Will +I tell her? _Do. Why?_" + +I expect RUDDOCK to sing. He doesn't. MR. CLETHER is talking to him. I +join them. I am anxious to hear what MR. CLETHER'S view of the Moon is. +He replies, "O, nothing particular." + +"But," I urge, RUDDOCK listening, "You have made a study of astronomy, +and in these days"--I slip at this moment, because I don't know exactly +what I was going to say; but I rather fancy it was that "In these days +the moon isn't what it was." + +MR. CLETHER modestly repudiates knowing more about the moon than other +people, and says that PENDELL is right about his having written a book, +but he has never published it. + +"_Why_?" asks MISS STRAITHMERE, joining us. + +Carriages. Thank goodness! + +I accompany RUDDOCK to the door. He has a gig, and a lantern, like a Guy +Fawkes out for an airing. + +I am still expecting a witticism, or rather a _feu de joie_ of humour +and fun, like the last grand bouquet of fireworks that terminates the +show at the Crystal Palace. + +PENDELL (who I believe is still drawing him out) says to him, "You'll +have a fine night for your drive," then looks at me and laughs, as much +as to say, "_Now_ you'll hear him, _now_ it's coming. He's shy before a +party, but _now_----" + +RUDDOCK replies, from above, in his gig, "Yes, so it seems. Good-bye." + +And away goes the vehicle, turns the corner, and disappears from view in +the avenue. + +PENDELL chuckles to himself. "Quite a character," I hear him murmuring. +Then, after a short laugh, he exclaims almost fondly, "Old RUDDOCK! ha! +ha! Rum old fellow." + +And so we go in. And this has been the long-expected "Nicht wi' +RUDDOCK." He hasn't said twenty words. Certainly not one worth hearing. +Yet PENDELL seems perfectly satisfied with him, and years hence, I dare +say, this occasion will be recounted as a night when Old RUDDOCK was at +his best. After this, how about SHERIDAN? + +_Next morning._--My friend, MISS STRAITHMERE, is coming at two o'clock. +I find that I can leave, _via_ Launceston, at eleven. I am not well. I +can't help it. I begin to consider, is it my nature to be ill? No, I +must go up to town, and consult my Doctor. + +Adieu, Penwiffle. If I stopped, I feel that in the wilds of Cornwall, +out at Tintagel or at Land's End, or in a slate quarry, or down a mine, +I should.... Well, I don't know but I should have to answer the +question, "Why?" + +My present idea is to live in London, about two miles from the British +Museum. Then I can walk there every morning, and work in the library at +my _Analytical History of Motion_. + +If the Doctor agrees with me, and if this plan agrees with me, I shall +continue it; if not, I must take to boxing, gymnastics, or other violent +exercise. + + * * * * * + +The Doctor _does_ agree with me. He advises me to try my own +prescription. In a week's time to call on him again, and go on calling +on him regularly every Monday. + + * * * * * + +I have taken lodgings three doors from my Doctor's house. I shall make +no further notes, unless, at some future time, I commence a history of a +British Constitution (my own). And so, for the present, I conclude, with +a quotation from SHAKSPEARE, who was, among other things, evidently a +valetudinarian, and finish these papers by saying, + + "The tenor of them doth but signify" +"My Health." + _Two Gent. of Verona._ Act iii. sc. 1. + + +[Illustration: "ON THE TOP OF THE HILL, TOO!"] + +"MY TIRESOME HAT! _SO_ KIND OF YOU, MR. MUGGLES! YOU DON'T MIND WAITING +FOR ME, DO YOU?" + + [_Don't he, though! He minds very much. Feels very foolish, and + dreads being chaffed--particularly by some of those fellows + below!_] + + + IN THE TEMPLE. + +LORD DERBY has made a political speech of a very sensible +character--"that goes without to say" in his case. He tells the +Conservatives that they are to be neither apathetic nor precipitate, +that they are to play a waiting game--the World to him who can +Wait--and, meantime, they are to support MR. GLADSTONE against the +extreme men on his own side. And, said the Earl, "political life is not +to be looked at as if it were a soaped pole, with L5,000 a year, and +lots of patronage at the top." The sentiment is lofty and honourable. +"But," said to _Mr. Punch_ a rising lawyer, who intends to rise a good +deal higher, "the deuce of it is that LORD DERBY talks from the top of a +golden Pyramid about soaped poles. Hang it! I'm like _Becky Sharp_--I +should find it precious easy to be patriotic with fifty thousand a year. +If I didn't feel I could manage the nation for the best (though of +course I could), confound it! I'd myself engage the best Premier that +money could secure, and serve the country that way. But blow it, as it +is, and HENRIETTA'S governor refusing to hear of me until I'm in +Parliament, you see, old cuss----" "Virtue alone is happiness below," +replied _Mr. Punch_ severely, as he went away to get some oysters at +PROSSER'S. + + * * * * * + +NOTE BY A FOREIGNER.--On England's possessions the sun never sets. True; +and on one of them, London, the sun never rises. + + +[Illustration: SAT UPON.] + +_Hospitable Host._ "DOES ANY GENTLEMAN SAY PUDDEN?" + +_Precise Guest._ "NO, SIR. NO _GENTLEMAN_ SAYS _PUDDEN_." + + + "IF!" + + (_A Channel Sketch._) + +'TOTHER day I steamed from Dover + To Boulogne-sur-Mer: +We'd bad weather crossing over: + Very sick we were. + +Busy, Steward's-Mate and Steward-- + "Basins!" was the cry: +Ocean heaved, because it blew hard; + Heaved, and so did I. + +In the intervals of basin + Blessed dreams were mine: +FOWLER was from Ocean 'rasin' + Every ill-ruled line. + +Over Neptune's worst commotion + Holding despot's state, +He not only ruled the Ocean, + But he ruled it straight! + +Steady, sea ne'er so ugly, + Did his craft behave; +Passengers, carriaged snugly, + Sweeping o'er the wave! + +Not a soul from out his cushions + Moved, the passage through; +Padded soft against concussions, + And spring-seated, too! + +O, it was a blessed vision! + Blessed all the more +For that awful exhibition + Betwixt shore and shore. + +But when _terra-firma_ reason + On that dream I fixed, +At a less afflicted season, + Doubt with hope was mixed. + +For, I thought--Can FOWLER answer + That his boats won't roll-- +Grant, that, swift as a _merganser_, + O'er the sea they bowl? + +_If_ they roll--and who can promise + That they never will?-- +Little joy to JOHN BULL from his + Power of sitting still. + +Think of an afflicted train-full + Cabined, cribbed, confined-- +Rolling with the rollings painful + Of that pen inclined! + +Face to face, and knee to knee, sick, + Retch and heave and strain, +Think of a whole hundred sea-sick + All along the train! + +Sea-sickness in open ocean + May be bad to bear, +But, boxed up in a train in motion, + Worse, far worse, it were! + +So if FOWLER cannot promise + Pitch-and-toss shall be +Game of chance, far-banished from his + Skimmers of the sea, + +Better 'gainst our woes we gird us-- + Cold, and stench, and spray-- +Than in railway train you herd us, + Nausea's helpless prey! + +If the traveller from Dover + Reached the other shore, +Worser woes, than crossing over, + Were for him in store. + +Awfuller than the up-turn he + Suffers from the tide,-- +Think upon that six hours' journey + On the other side! + +Present woe 'gainst worse mismarriage-- + Put it to the vote-- +And I'll bet 'tis _contra_ carriage, + And _for_ open boat! + + +A BURIED ARMY. + +THE _Leeds Mercury_ is such an excellent paper, that _Punch_ takes from +it anything as unhesitatingly as (to use LORD LYTTON'S illustration) one +takes change from an honest tradesman, without looking at or counting +the coins. That journal said, the other day-- + + "There was a demonstration at Lausanne yesterday, in memory of + the soldiers belonging to GENERAL BOURBAKI'S army who died in + Switzerland, after being interred there last year." + +We cannot see why there should have been a demonstration; at least, if +it was a demonstration of wonder, the wonder would have been if the +soldiers had survived their interment. It was Antaeus, if we recollect +aright, whose strength was renewed when he came in contact with the +Earth, but he never went under it, at least not until Alcides had done +with and for him. But is France aware that this is the way in which one +of her armies was got rid of? Is this the boasted hospitality of +Switzerland? + + * * * * * + +THE RAINBOW may be accurately described as the real NOAH'S _Arc_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MISCONCEPTION.] + +_Passenger._ "AND WHOSE HOUSE IS THAT ON THE TOP OF THE HILL THERE?" + +_Driver of the "Red Lion" 'Bus._ "O, THAT'S MR. UMBERBROWN'S, SIR. HE'S +WHAT THEY CALL A R. A." + +_Passenger_ (_Amateur Artist_). "O, INDEED! AH! A MAGNIFICENT PAINTER! +YOU MUST BE RATHER PROUD OF SUCH A GREAT MAN LIVING AMONGST YOU DOWN +HERE!" + +_Driver._ "GREAT MAN, SIR? LOR' BLESS YER, SIR, NOT A BIT OF IT! WHY, +THEY ONLY KEEPS ONE MAN-SERVANT, AND HE DON'T SLEEP IN THE 'OUSE!!!" + + * * * * * + + THE NEW YEAR'S FINE. + + (_Husband and Father sings._) + +AN Income-tax increased to pay, + And that assessed at higher rate! +Well, we must bear it as we may, + By means of thrift, my weeping Mate. +We'll pinch, in clothing and in cup; + Thou shalt accustomed dress resign; +I'll give my GLADSTONE claret up, + To meet my LOWE'S augmented fine. + +What though that heavy forfeit make + A small, uncertain income less? +What if away the coin it take, + Which I should hoard against distress? +What though my earnings needs must cease + As soon as I shall be no more, +And may not last till my decease, + But fail us both, my Wife, before? + +Still, whilst we wince beneath the Screw, + Put on with added stress this year, +We'll think how much, because we Few + Are taxed, the Many spend in Beer. +Our impost we'll with joy endure, + Because it seems the only plan +From fiscal burdens to secure + Exemption for the Working-Man. + +The Working-Man who works with tools, + Such tools as hammers, saws, and planes, +By hand; whose numerous suffrage rules + The smaller class who work by brains. +Rejoice we that what we must spare, + The Working-Man has got to spend. +We're privileged to pay his share, + Till our ability shall end. + +At least when next another year, + Another Budget's weight shall bring +To bear on us, if we are here + Still, as plucked nightingales, to sing, +We've cause, another little call, + At any rate, of hope to see, +For payment of the needful all + To set the Breakfast-Table free. + + * * * * * + + AMERICAN INCREDULITY. + +In a speech delivered at New York on "Forefathers' Day," the REV. HENRY +BEECHER, discoursing of the "Pilgrim Fathers," said:-- + + "That they had their faults we all know. They brought with them + some of the prejudices of Europe, and had not freed themselves + from notions of persecution. They believed, above all things, in + the existence and power of the evil one. The devil was + everywhere in their thoughts. In our modern times we have gone + free from that superstition. We of New York know there is no + such being." + +In the early days of New England anyone who owned to being an Adiabolist +would have been deemed an Atheist. But then there was no Tammany or Erie +Ring. Plunder and fraud, picking and stealing, are courses from which +some natures can only be restrained by the piety which firmly believes +in the personality, cornute and caudal, of MILTON'S hero. "We of New +York know there is no such being." Do we? We think we do, but may have +flattered ourselves. + + * * * * * + +Printed by Joseph Smith of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. +James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices +of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of +Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, +Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.--SATURDAY, +January 20, 1872. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the OE ligature was replaced with "OE". + +In the article "My Health," there is a mismatched round bracket, that +starts with "(to which I return," but it is unclear where the closing +bracket should go. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +62, January 20, 1872, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JAN 20, 1872 *** + +***** This file should be named 37639.txt or 37639.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/6/3/37639/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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