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diff --git a/37575.txt b/37575.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9c27fe --- /dev/null +++ b/37575.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1724 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, +September 16th, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, September 16th, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 30, 2011 [EBook #37575] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, September 16th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: A CROWDED HOUSE. + +_Angry Voice (from a backseat)._ "EARS OFF IN FRONT THERE, PLEASE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE STRIKER'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ You think it is a good thing to strike? + +_Answer._ Yes, when there is no other remedy. + +_Q._ Is there ever any other remedy? + +_A._ Never. At least, so say the secretaries. + +_Q._ Then you stand by the opinions of the officials? + +_A._ Why, of course; because they are paid to give them. + +_Q._ But have not the employers any interests? + +_A._ Lots, but they are not worthy the working-man's consideration. + +_Q._ But are not their interests yours? + +_A._ Yes, and that is the way we guard over them. + +_Q._ But surely it is the case of cutting off the nose to spite the +mouth? + +_A._ And why not, if the mouth is too well fed. + +_Q._ But are not arguments better than bludgeons? + +_A._ No, and bludgeons are less effective than revolvers. + +_Q._ But may not the use of revolvers produce the military? + +_A._ Yes, but they can do nothing without a magistrate reading the +Riot Act. + +_Q._ But, the Riot Act read, does not the work become serious? + +_A._ Probably. But at any rate the work is lawful, because +unremunerative. + +_Q._ But how are the wives and children of strikers to live if their +husbands and fathers earn no wages? + +_A._ On strike money. + +_Q._ But does all the strike money go to the maintenance of the hearth +and the home? + +_A._ Of course not, for a good share of it is wanted for the +baccy-shop and the public-house. + +_Q._ But if strikes continue will not trade suffer? + +_A._ Very likely, but trade represents the masters. + +_Q._ And if trade is driven away from the country will it come back? + +_A._ Most likely not, but that is a matter for the future. + +_Q._ But is not the future of equal importance to the present? + +_A._ Not at all, for a day's thought is quite enough for a day's work. + +_Q._ Then a strike represents either nothing or idleness? + +_A._ Yes, bludgeons or beer. + +_Q._ And what is the value of reason? + +_A._ Why, something less than smoke. + + * * * * * + +A NOVEL SHOW. + + ["A popular place of entertainment is arranging a Burglars' + Exhibition."--_Daily Telegraph._] + + Oh, gladly will the public pay + Its shillings for admission, + To study in a careful way + This most original display, + The Burglars' Exhibition. + + Professor SIKES will here explain, + With practical instruction, + How best to break a window-pane, + Through which his classic form may gain + Judicious introduction. + + The jemmies, and revolvers, too, + Will doubtless prove enthralling, + And all the implements we'll view + With which these scientists pursue + Their fascinating calling; + + The most efficient type of gag + To silence all intrusion, + The latest kind of carpet-bag + Wherein to bear the bulky "swag" + To some remote seclusion. + + Then, by this exhibition's aid, + The art will spread to others, + And those who ply this busy trade + Will, in a year or two, be made + A noble band of brothers. + + The thief of olden time we'll see + As seldom as the dodo; + The burglar's future aim will be + To join the _fortiter in re_ + And _suaviter in modo_! + + * * * * * + +THE MOST UNPARDONABLE "MISUSE OF WORDS."--Making after-dinner +speeches. + + * * * * * + +CONVERSION A LA MODE. + +SCENE--_A Government Office. A_ Government Official _discovered_. + +_To him enter a_ Petitioner. + +_Petitioner._ I really think, Sir, that the time has arrived for a +grant. + +_Official._ Impossible, my dear Sir, impossible. I can assure you the +reports are greatly exaggerated. + +_Pet._ But do you know that the ports cannot properly be guarded +without further financial assistance? + +_Off._ Very likely; at least, that may be the general opinion. + +PET. And Science could be far more certain did the funds permit--you +are aware of that? + +_Off._ Faddists never consider the cost of anything. + +_Pet._ And I suppose you are aware that it is marching towards the +metropolis? + +_Off._ When it gets there it will be time to consider the situation. + +_Pet._ Then you have not heard of the recent affair in Westminster? + +_Off._ In Westminster! Why that is close to the Houses of Parliament! + +_Pet._ And if I tell you that it has been traced to the Lobby of the +Commons. + +_Off._ Don't say another word, my dear Sir, not another word. What, +appeared in the House of Commons! Why, several millions shall be +granted at once! + +[_Scene closes in upon preparations of the most active character._ + + * * * * * + +ANNOUNCEMENT.--_The Heavenly Twins_ has had a success. It will +be followed by a treatise on gout by Mrs. SARAH GAMP, M.D., to be +entitled _The Uneavenly Twinge._ + + * * * * * + +"SOCIAL TEST-WORDS." + + [An American writer in _The Critic_ has an article on this + subject.] + + Two "social questions" soon, we may expect. + Will, in two continents, raise a social storm:-- + "Is it _correct_ to say a thing's 'correct'"? + "Is it _good form_ to use the phrase 'good form'"? + Or will both go, with those who finely feel, + The way of "gentlemanly," and "genteel"? + Shall _Punch_ attempt to settle it? No, thankee! + He rather thinks he'll leave it to the Yankee. + What matters it about _our_ played-out tongue? + (In which some good things _have_ been said and sung.) + Let those the war of "Saxon _versus_ Slang" wage, + Who have the charge of "the American Language." + That _has_ a future (HOWELL'S law, and Fate's!) + "The language of the Great United States" + (Unless through cant and coarseness it goes rotten) + The world will speak when "English" is forgotten. + + * * * * * + +The Coming Fall. + + The Autumn comes. We welcome it-- + A change from Summer heat appalling. + The birds once more begin to flit + To warmer climes, the leaves are falling. + But portent clear as clear can be, + We know that Autumn comes by reasoning + "Look all the papers that we see + Are daily stuffed with silly seasoning." + + * * * * * + +"A QUIET PIPE." + +[Illustration] + + "One touch of nature" kins To-day + With classical Arcadia. + This faun-like "nipper," + Tree-perched, is tootling, tootling on, + Though Pan be dead, Arcadia gone, + And wild "Kazoos" are played upon + By the cheap tripper. + + Half imp, half animal, behold + The 'ARRY of the Age of Gold + In this young satyr! + Lover of pleasure and of "lush" + (Silenus at the slang might blush), + Of haunted Nature's holy hush + Irreverent hater. + + Mischief and music, mockery, + Swift eyes oblique in goblin glee, + And nimble finger; + Sardonic lips that slide with speed + Athwart the ranged pastoral reed; + Upon these things will fancy feed, + And memory linger. + + Imp-urchin of the budding horn, + Native to Nature's nascent morn, + The same quaint pranks + You played 'midst the Arcadian shade, + By satyrs of to-day are played; + Their nether limbs in "tweeds" arrayed + Not shaggy shanks. + + Not cheap tan kids and KINO'S best + Can hide the frolic faun confest, + Or coarse Silenus; + Like SPENSER'S satyrs, they attack us, + With rompings rouse, with noises rack us, + Brutes in the train of beery Bacchus, + And vulgar Venus. + + 'ARRY'S mouth-organ is, indeed, + Far shriekier than your shrilling reed, + Pan-fathered piper; + While his tin-whistle!--a wood-god, + Whose tympanum _that_ sound should prod, + Would start, and shriek, as though he trod + Upon a viper. + + Ah, yes, my little satyr-friend, + Better Arcadia than Southend + On a Bank-Holiday! + You and your Pan-pipe _might_ appear, + And tootle, yet not rend my ear. + Or with a novel Panic fear + Upset a jolly day. + + Aperch upon your branch, you carry + A certain likeness to our 'ARRY, + Yet 'tis but slight. + He could not sit, the noisy brute! + And natural music mildly flute, + Till the assembled nymphs were mute + With sheer delight. + + He'd want the banjo and the bones, + And rowdy words, and raucous tones, + And roaring chorus. + Urchin, I've done you grievous wrong! + No echoes of Arcadian song + Sound in the screech the holiday throng + Rattle and roar us. + + To your shrill flutings I could listen + When on the grass-blades dewdrops glisten, + And morn is ripe. + Could sit and hear your pastoral reed, + In peace, and do myself, indeed + (Fair laden with "the fragrant weed"), + "A Quiet Pipe!" + + * * * * * + +THE HIGHLAND "CADDIE." + + [There has been a strike among the Golf Caddies.] + +AIR--"_The Blue Bells of Scotland._" + + Oh! where, and oh! where is your Highland "Caddie" gone? + He's gone to join the Strike, and now "Caddie" I have none; + And it's oh! in my heart that I wish the Strike were done! + + Oh! what, and oh! what does your Highland "Caddie" claim? + He wants sixpence for a round of nine holes. It is a shame, + And it's oh! in my heart that I fear 'twill spoil the game. + + And what, tell me what, are your Highland Caddie's tricks? + He has "picketed the links" just to keep out all "knobsticks," + And it's oh! in my heart, that I feel I'm in a fix! + + Suppose, oh! suppose that all Highland Caddies strike! + I might have to turn up golf, and to tennis take, or "bike," + But it's oh! in my heart that I do not think 'tis like! + + * * * * * + +"NAME! NAME!"--In a recent report from the East occurs the +delightfully-suggestive name of "SEYD BIN ABED." Of course he is a +relative to "SEYD IM GOTUP AGEN." Or perhaps he has changed his +name from "SEYD UAD BIN ABED" to "SEYD IMON SOPHA." If "Seyd" be not +pronounced as "Seed" but as "Said," the above titles can be altered to +match. True or not, yet "so it is Seyd." The news in which this name +occurs appears to have reached the correspondent through a person +called "RUMALIZA." Can anything coming from a female styled "RUM +ELIZA" be credible? + + * * * * * + +OUT OF COURT.--A sharp young lady listening to a conversation about +witnesses being sworn in Court, interrupted with "I don't know much +about kissing the book, but if I didn't like him, I'd soon bring the +kisser to book." + + * * * * * + +AT THE SHAFTESBURY. + +The few theatres now open seem to be doing uncommonly good business. +The Shaftesbury, with _Morocco Bound_, was as nearly full as it could +be in the first week of September, when the cry is not yet "They are +coming back," but they are remaining away. Another week will make all +the difference. _Morocco Bound_ is not a piece at all, but a sort of +variety show, just held together by the thinnest thread of what, for +want of a better word, may be temporarily dignified as "plot." Mr. +CHARLES DANBY is decidedly funny in it. Mr. TEMPLAR SAXE is a pretty +singer. Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH well sustains the eccentric reputation +of his family name; and, if any opposition manager could induce the +present representative of _Spoofah Bey_ to appear at another house, +it would be "all up" with _Morocco Bound_, as such a transfer would +entirely take "the Shine" out of _this_ piece. Miss JENNIE MCNULTY +does nothing in particular admirably; and Miss LETTY LIND, charming +in her _entr'acte_ of skirt-dancing, is still better in her really +capital dance with the agile CHARLES DANBY. This entertainment has +reached its hundred and fiftieth night (!!!), and all those who are +prevented from going North to stalk the wily grouse may do worse than +spend a night among the Moors in _Morocco Bound_. Oddly enough, but +quite appropriately, the acting-manager in front, who looks after +the fortunes of Morocco and its Moors, is Mr. A. BLACKMORE. Out of +compliment he might have let in an "a" after the "k," dropped the +final "e," and given himself a second "o." Still, in keeping with the +fitness of things, he has done well in being there. + + * * * * * + +ANCIENT SAWS RESET. + +"All work and no pay makes JACK a striking boy." + +"All pay and no work makes JACK'S employer go without a shirt." + + * * * * * + +During the recent tropical weather, Mrs. R. observed that it was the +only time in her life when she would have given anything "just to have +got a little cold." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON HIS HONEYMOON TOO! + +_Man with Sand Ponies._ "NOW THEN, MISTER, YOU AN' THE YOUNG LADY, A +PONY APIECE? 'ERE Y'ARE!" + +_Snobley (loftily)._ "AW--I'M NOT ACCUSTOMED TO THAT CLASS OF ANIMAL." + +_Man (readily)._ "AIN'T YER, SIR? NE' MIND." (_To Boy._) "'ERE, BILL, +LOOK SHARP! GENT'LL HAVE A DONKEY!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE BOOK THAT FAILED." + + [A publisher writes to _The Author_ to say that, for the first + time in his experience, the writer of a book which was not a + success has sent him an unsolicited cheque to compensate him + for the loss he has sustained by producing it.] + +AS THINGS ARE TO-DAY. + +_Publisher (nastily)._ I tell you that it's no earthly use your asking +about profits, because there are none. + +_Author (amazed)._ No profits! And you really mean to tell me that +the public has not thought fit to purchase my shilling work of +genius--_The Maiming of Mendoza?_ By our agreement only a paltry six +thousand copies of the work had to be bought before my royalty of a +penny a volume began. + +_Publisher._ I am quite aware of it. The sale of the six thousand +copies would just about have repaid us for cost of production. As +a matter of fact, only three thousand have been sold. We've lost +heavily, and very much regret we were ever induced to accept the work. + +_Author._ And you really ask me to believe that after such a sale +as that a loss on your part is possible? Why, if you take price of +printing at---- + + [_Goes elaborately into cost of production._ + +_Publisher._ Yes, but you see the price of everything has gone up in +our trade. Binding is now ten per cent. dearer, composing is---- + + [_Also goes into precise and prolonged details._ + +_Author (turning desperate at last)._ Oh, let us end this chatter! You +really say that no cheque whatever is due to me for all my labours? + +_Publisher._ Not a single penny. It's the other way about. + +_Author (leaving)._ And you call this "the beneficial system of +royalties," do you? Good day! And if I don't set the Society of +Authors at you before I am a day older, then my name's not BULWER +MAKEPEACE DEFOE SMITH! + + [_Exit tempestuously._ + +AS THEY MAY BE TO-MORROW. + +_Utterly Unknown Novelist._ Then I am afraid that my last +three-volumed work of fiction, in spite of the cordial way in which it +was reviewed by my brother-in-law in the _Weekly Dotard_, my maternal +uncle in the _Literary Spy_, and a few other relatives on the daily +press, has not upon the whole been a decided success? + +_Publisher._ Well, it's useless to conceal the fact, that from a +mere base material point of view, the publication of _The Boiling of +Benjamin_ has not quite answered our expectations. In fact, we have +lost a couple of thousand pounds over it. But (_more cheerfully_) what +of that? It is a pleasure to lose money over introducing good work to +the public; a positive privilege to be sacrificed on such an altar as +_The Boiling of Benjamin_. So say no more on _that_ head! + +_U. U. Novelist (enthusiastically)._ Good and generous man! But I +will say more! You recollect that the terms you made with me were a +thousand pounds down, and a hundred pounds a month for life or until +the copyright expired? + +_Publisher (groaning slightly)._ Oh, yes! I remember it very well. + +_U. U. Novelist._ And that I have already received cheques for one +thousand and five hundred pounds, without your mentioning a word about +the loss you have been nobly and silently enduring? + +_Publisher._ An agreement's an agreement, and you are only +experiencing one result of the beneficial system of royalties. + +_U. U. Novelist._ Quite so! But if there is to be division of +profits, there should be division of losses as well. So (_taking out +chequebook, and hurriedly writing in it_) there! Not a word of thanks! +It's merely repaying you the fifteen hundred I've received, with +another thousand to compensate you for the loss on production. + +_Publisher (melted into tears)._ Oh, thanks, thanks! You have averted +ruin from my starving little ones! And if you _should_ wish to bring +out any other work of ----. He is gone, to escape my gratitude! +(_Takes up cheque._) By far the best thing he ever wrote! + + (_Curtain._) + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL PARALLEL.--Mr. CHAMBERLAIN declared the other day the +Government were in a hole. Was it in reference to this that the Duke +of ARGYLL spoke in the Lords of Lord ROSEBERY'S "Pitt"? + + * * * * * + +A GLASS TOO MUCH (FOR OUTSIDERS LAST WEDNESDAY).--_Isinglass._ + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE II.--_Same as preceding._ Mr. TOOVEY _is slowly recovering from +the mental collapse produced by the mention of the word "Eldorado."_ + +_Mrs. Toovey._ ALTHEA is out of the room, Pa, so there is no reason +why you should not speak out plainly. + +_Mr. Toovey (to himself)._ No reason--oh! But I must say _something_. +If only I knew whether it was my Eldorado--but, no, it's a mere +coincidence! (_Aloud--shakily._) CHARLES, my boy, you--you've shocked +me very much indeed, as you can see. But, about the name of this +establishment, now--isn't it a curious one for--for a _music-hall_, +CHARLES? M--mightn't it be confused with--well--say a _mine_, now? + +_Mrs. T._ THEOPHILUS, this is scarcely the tone----. I expected you to +give this misguided boy a solemn warning of the ruin he may incur by +having anything to do with such a haunt. + +_Mr. T. (to himself)._ Ah, I'm afraid I'm only too well qualified to +do that. (_Aloud._) I do, CHARLES, I _do_--though at the same time, I +can quite understand how one may, unwittingly--I mean, you might not +be aware of---- + +_Mrs. T._ You, Pa, of all people in the world, trying to find excuses +for his depravity! The very name of the place is enough to indicate +its nature! + +_Mr. T. (hastily)._ No, my love, surely not. _There_ I think you go +too far--too far altogether! + +_Mrs. T._ I appeal to Mr. CURPHEW to say whether such a place is a +proper resort for _any_ young man. + +_Curphew (to himself)._ Wish I was well out of this! (_Aloud._) I--I +really don't feel qualified to give an opinion, Mrs. TOOVEY. Many +young men _do_ go to them, I believe. + +_Charles (to himself)._ Is this chap a prig, or a humbug? I'll +draw him. (_Aloud._) I suppose, from that, you never think of going +yourself? + +_Mrs. T._ Mr. CURPHEW'S tastes are rather different from yours, +CHARLES. I am very sure that he is never to be seen among the audience +at any music-hall, are you, Mr. CURPHEW? + +_Curph. (to himself)._ Could I break it to her gently, I wonder. +(_Aloud._) Never--my professional duties make that impossible. + +_Charles (to himself)._ I knew he was a muff! (_Aloud._) I should have +thought you could easily get a pass to any place you wanted to go--in +your profession. + +_Curph. (to himself)._ He suspects something. (_Aloud._) Should you? +Why? + +_Charles._ Oh, as you're on a newspaper, you know. Don't they always +have a free pass for everywhere? + +_Curph._ If they have, I have never had occasion to make use of it. + +_Charles._ Well, of course you may turn up your nose at music-halls, +and say they're not intellectual enough for you. + +_Curph._ Pardon me, I never said I turned up my nose at them, though +you'll admit they don't profess to make a strong appeal to the +intellect. + +_Charles._ If they did, you wouldn't catch _me_ there. But I can tell +you, it's not so bad as you seem to think; every now and then they get +hold of a really good thing. You might do worse than drop into the El. +or the Val., the Valhalla, you know, some evening--just to hear WALTER +WILDFIRE. + +_Curph._ Much obliged; but I can't imagine myself going there for such +a purpose. + +_Mrs. T._ CHARLES, if you suppose Mr. CURPHEW would allow himself to +be corrupted by a boy like you---- + +_Charles._ But look here, Aunt. WALTER WILDFIRE'S all right--he is +_really_; he was a gentleman, and all that, before he took to this +sort of thing, and he writes all his own songs--and ripping they +are, too! His line is the Broken-down Plunger, you know. (Mrs. T. +_repudiates any knowledge of this type_.) He's got one song about a +Hansom Cabby who has to drive the girl he was engaged to before he +was broke, and she's married some other fellow since, and has got her +little daughter with her, and the child gives him his fare, and--well, +somehow it makes you feel choky when he sings it. Even Mr. CURPHEW +couldn't find anything to complain of in WALTER WILDFIRE! + +_Althea (who has entered during this speech)._ Mamma, I can't find +your spectacles anywhere. Mr. CURPHEW, who is this WALTER WILDFIRE +CHARLES is so enthusiastic about? + +_Mrs. T. (hastily)._ No one that Mr. CURPHEW knows anything of--and +certainly not a fit person to be mentioned in _your_ hearing, my dear, +so let us say no more about it. Supper must be on the table by this +time; we had better go in, and try to find a more befitting topic +for conversation. CHARLES, have the goodness to put this--this +_disgraceful_ paper in your pocket, and let me see no more of it. I +shall get your Uncle to speak to you seriously after supper. + +_Mr. T. (aloud, with alacrity)._ Yes, my love, I shall certainly speak +to CHARLES after supper--very seriously. (_To himself._) And end this +awful uncertainty! + +_Curph. (to himself, as he follows to the Dining-room)._ "Not a fit +person to be mentioned in her hearing!" I wonder. Would _she_ say +the same if she knew? When shall I be able to tell her? It would be +madness as yet. + +SCENE III.--_The Study._ Mr. TOOVEY and CHARLES _are alone together_. +Mr. TOOVEY _has found it impossible to come to the point_. + +_Charles (looking at his watch)._ I say, Uncle, I'm afraid I must +trouble you for that wigging at once, if I'm going to catch my train +back. You've only seven-and-a-half minutes left to exhort me in, so +make the most of it. + +_Mr. T. (with embarrassment)._ Yes, CHARLES, but--I don't wish to be +hard on you, my boy--we are all liable to err, and--and, in point of +fact, the reason I was a little upset at the mention of the Eldorado +is, that a very dear old friend of mine, CHARLES, has lately lost a +considerable sum through investing in a Company of the same name--and, +just for the moment, it struck me that it might have been the +music-hall--which of course is absurd, eh? + +_Charles._ Rather! He couldn't possibly have lost it in the +_music-hall_, Uncle; it's ridiculous! + +_Mr. T. (relieved)._ Just what I thought. A man in +his--ah--responsible position--oh no. But he's lost it in this other +Company. And they've demanded a hundred and seventy-five pounds over +and above the five hundred he paid on his shares. Now _you_ know the +law. Can they _do_ that, CHARLES? Is he legally liable to pay? + +_Charles._ Couldn't possibly say without knowing all the facts. It's a +Limited Company, I suppose? + +_Mr. T._ I--I don't know, CHARLES, but I can show you the official +document which--ah--happens to be in my hands. I'm afraid I didn't +examine it very carefully--I was too upset. (_He goes to his +secretaire, and returns with a paper, which he offers for_ CHARLES'S +_inspection_.) You won't mind my covering up the name? My--my friend +wouldn't care for it to be seen--I'm sure. + +_Charles (glances at the top of the paper, and roars with laughter)._ +I say, Uncle, your friend _must_ be a jolly old juggins! + +_Mr. T. (miserably)._ I don't think he could be described as _jolly_ +just now, CHARLES. + +_Charles._ No, but I mean, not all there, you know--trifle weak in the +upper story. + +_Mr. T. (with dignity)._ He never professed to be a man of business, +CHARLES, any more than myself, and his inexperience was shamefully +abused--_most_ shamefully! + +_Charles._ Abused! But look here, Uncle, do you mean to say you don't +see that this is a dividend warrant! + +_Mr. T._ I believe that is what they call it. And--and is he bound to +send them a cheque for it at once, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Send them a cheque? Great SCOTT! Why it _is_ a cheque! +They're paying _him_. It's the half-yearly dividend on his five +hundred, at the rate of seventy per cent. And he was going to----Oh, +Lord! + +_Mr. T. (rising, and shaking C.'s hands with effusion)._ My _dear_ +CHARLES; how can I thank you? If you _knew_ what a load you've taken +off my mind! Then the Company _isn't_ bankrupt--it's paying seventy +per cent.! Why, I needn't mind telling your Aunt. (_With restored +complacency._) Of course, my boy, I have never occupied myself with +City matters--but, none the less, I believe I can trust my natural +shrewdness--I had a sort of instinct, CHARLES, from the first, that +that mine was perfectly sound. I knew I could trust LARKINS. + +_Charles._ _You_, Uncle! Then it was _you_ who was your friend all the +time? Oh, you're really _too_ rich, you know! + +_Mr. T._ I have never desired it; but it will certainly be a very +useful addition to our--ah--modest income, CHARLES. But you should +check yourself, my boy, in this--ah--immoderate laughter. There is +nothing that I can see to cause such mirth in the fact of your Uncle's +having made a fortunate investment in a gold-mine. + +_Charles (as soon as he can speak)._ But it _ain't_ a mine, Uncle, +it--it's the music-hall! Give you my word it is. If you don't believe +me, look at the address on the warrant, and you'll see it's the same +as on this programme. You're a shareholder in the Eldorado Palace of +Varieties, Piccadilly! + +_Mr. T. (falling back)._ No, CHARLES! I--I acquired them in the most +perfect innocence! + +[Illustration: "If I were you, I wouldn't mention this to Aunt."] + +_Charles._ Innocence! I'd back you for that against an entire +Infant School, Uncle. But I say, I must be off now. If I were you, I +_wouldn't_ mention this to Aunt. And look here. I'd better leave you +this. (_He hands him the Eldorado programme._) It's more in your line +than mine now. + + [_He goes out, and is heard chuckling in the hall and down to the + front gate._ + +_Mr. T. (alone)._ That ribald, unfeeling boy! _What_ a Sunday I've +had! And how am I ever to tell CORNELIA now? (_A bell rings._) That's +to call the servants up to prayers. (_He stuffs the programme into +his pocket hastily, and rises._) No, I can't. I _can't_ conduct family +prayers with the knowledge that I'm a shareholder in--in a Palace of +Varieties! I shall slip quietly off to bed. + +_Ph[oe]be (entering)._ Missus wished me to tell you she was only +waiting for you, Sir. + +_Mr. T._ PH[OE]BE, tell your mistress I'm feeling poorly again, and +have gone to bed. (_To himself._) If I could only be sure I don't talk +in my sleep! + + [_He shuffles upstairs._ + +END OF SCENE III. + + * * * * * + +A (FREQUENTLY) RISING M.P.--Mr. T. G. BOWLES is quite "a new boy" in +the House, yet has he none of the diffidence of most other new boys. +His continuous questions and his easy oratory will win for him the +styles and titles of "The Flowing BOWLES" and "The Sparkling BOWLES." +If _Mr. P._ adopts him as a frequent and favourite subject for an +object lesson, such as were SIBTHORPE and some others in past times, +he may attain the very highest position as "BOWLES of _Punch_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BREAKING IT GENTLY. + +_Son of the House (who wishes to say something polite about our +friend's astounding shooting, but who cannot palter with the truth)._ +"I SHOULD THINK YOU WERE AWFULLY CLEVER AT BOOKS, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +POLITICS IN SOUTH AMERICA. + +(_From our Special Correspondent on the Spot._) + +_Monday._--Everyone is afraid that the action of the Government in +imposing a tax upon cycles will have serious effects. Although the +fleet do not use the carriages thus surcharged, it is not unlikely the +armour-plated cruiser _Impartial_ may threaten to bombard the capital. +Altogether the situation is critical. + +_Tuesday._--My fears were well-founded. The capital has been +bombarded, but not on account of the cycle tax, but to show that the +commander of the armour-plated cruiser _Impartial_ objects to the +proposed equalisation of Poor Rates. Fortunately the Government +torpedo-catcher _Cupid_ was able to beat off the _Impartial_ before +serious damage could be done. Still, the question of the acquisition +of the telegraphs is causing much excitement amongst the army. + +_Wednesday._--My worst fears are realised. The General in command of +the garrison has made the Church Tithes question a _casus belli_. As +the Government insisted upon proceeding with the second reading, the +General thought it his duty to set fire to all the public offices. +This is considered to be an extreme step by many important members of +the Opposition. + +_Thursday._--This morning dense bodies of troops arrived opposite the +House of Representatives, with a view to bringing pressure to bear +upon the opponents to the Public Baths and Wash-house Bill, which +it will be remembered passed through the Committee stage with the +assistance of a cavalry regiment and three batteries of artillery. + +_Friday._--The Budget has disappointed both the fleet and the army, +the combined forces have taken possession of the capital, and the +Government is practically overturned. + +_Saturday._--Matters are still unsettled. The capital is still +in possession of the insurgents. The Premier has been released on +condition that he promises to bring in a Bill for the improvement of +the Law of Bankruptcy early next Session. It is rumoured that a body +of fresh troops are on their way to the metropolis in charge of +a measure for the Abolition of Tithes, which they desire to carry +through the Upper House at the point of the bayonet. + +_Sunday._--The Admiral commanding the fleet, having proclaimed himself +Dictator, attended church in state. On his way back to his palace +he was surrounded by the troops, and, after a tough engagement, was +forced to retire to his flag-ship with heavy loss. The garrison would +have attended the afternoon service _en grande tenue_ had not the +fleet opened fire upon the recently evacuated cathedral. In spite of +recent events the populace still exhibit uneasiness. + + * * * * * + +FINE SUBJECT FOR HEROIC HISTORICAL CARTOON.--"'TOMMY' BOWLES +challenging a division." Imagine it! Grand! but unfortunately the +subject too late for pictorial treatment by one of _Mr. P.'s_ young +men this week. Think how many would go to make up a "Division"!! +Remember that TOMMY is but a Unit. "Unit is strength," says T. G. B. + + * * * * * + +THE UNEXPECTED.--_Youthful Hereditary Legislator (seen for the first +time in the neighbourhood of Westminster last week, inquires of +Policeman)._ "Aw--can you--ar--direct me to the--aw--House of Lords?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SEA-SIDE STUDIES. + +_Wandering Minstrel._ "GURLS! I'M A DOOCID FINE CHA-APPIE!" &c., &c.] + + * * * * * + +"OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY!" + + [Mr. GLADSTONE has gone on a visit to Mr. GEORGE ARMITSTEAD, + at Black Craig Castle, Perthshire. Mr. HENRY GLADSTONE stated + that the Prime Minister would receive no deputations, and that + the holiday would be purely recuperative.] + +_Pensive Premier museth_:-- + + Purely recuperative! Ah! precisely. + Leave me alone, and I shall manage nicely. + How the bees boom amidst the purple heather! + Better than BOWLES and BARTLEY! (_Yawn._) Wonder whether + _They_'re "booming" still about Sir WILLIAM'S head; + Buz-wuz! Buz-wuz! And raspy Russell, red + With Orange rage, shakes he a towzled crest? + Creaks he continual challenge, spear in rest? + Wags he a menacing fore-finger still + At me through stout Sir WILLIAM? Poor Sir WILL! + How he'd like _this_! How little he likes _that_! + Purely recuperative! Here I've sat + Since luncheon--ruminating, reading, napping, + Thank heaven I cannot hear Lord KELVIN clapping + CASTLETOWN'S callow clap-trap. All is still. + There's nothing near I wish to stalk or kill. + Like Melancholy _Jaques_, I can note + The branchy antlers and the dappled coat + Of "poor sequestered stag," and yet not yearn + To--make him venison. Yon brabbling burn + Makes mellower music in my Scottish ears. + Then the MACALLUM'S slogan. How the cheers + Of SALISBURY must have fired him as he smote; + Hacked at my character, hewed at my throat + Like "sullen spearsman" upon Flodden field. + The claymore, like his sires, he loved to wield. + They lost their heads he says, for England's weal, + And he--well, has he not lost _his_? + + I feel + The mellow moorland air, gorse-scented, bland + With heather odour, soothes me, like the hand + Of gentle woman on an angry brow. + Were the great-little Scotsman with me now, + Like proud MCGREGOR on his native heath, + Breathing pure-scented, honey-laden breath, + How his cock-nose would drop, his flaming crest + Droop and unruffle! He's a scold confest, + A pedagogue incarnate; horn-book, tawse. + Cramming and chastisement, not making laws, + His talent and his temperament best befit. + Yet--once he lent his eloquence and wit + To aid the man he now maligns. Ah, me! + "Tricky!"--"corrupt!" What arrant fiddle-de-dee + It sounds--upon these moors, beneath the blue + Of unpolluted skies! + + HOMER, to you + I turn. ACHILLES in his wrath could rage, + But scarce would stoop the wordy war to wage + With poisoned epithet and shrewish flout + Like scorpion-tongued THERSITES. + + Here, no doubt, + By Black Craig Castle party wasps would turn + To honey-hiving bees. Oh, tinkling burn, + You set my soul to music. HONEST JOHN, + Valiant Sir WILLIAM, you must still fight on + A little longer. Would ye both were here. + ARMITSTEAD'S guests, like me, like me with cheer + "Purely recuperative" holiday + To take--"Over the Hills and Far Away!" + + [_Left lolling like a Lotus-eater._ + + * * * * * + +AN OLD FRIEND DUE NORTH. + +For a really humorous drawing commend me to the picture in the _Daily +Graphic_ of Saturday, September 9, representing "the civic procession +to the luncheon given to Lord and Lady ABERDEEN by the Lord Mayor of +Liverpool." The stately party is preceded by a Piper--of course, it +is his worship the Mayor and common councillors who pay the piper +and call the tune on this occasion--who is stepping out jauntily. +But notice his glance; notice the Mayor's expression as he tries to +prevent himself laughing, and hides one eye with the sword of State; +notice Lord and Lady ABERDEEN, the latter looking a trifle annoyed, +while his Lordship is struggling with painfully suppressed merriment. +What is it that has nearly upset their gravity and spoilt the +procession? The explanation is at hand. On the left of the picture +in the foreground stands, _en evidence_ it is true, but with a +reverential air as of one who knows his place in society and keeps it, +our old friend and contributor, _Robert the Waiter_!! It must be he. +It is the very man, unless he has a Scotch double, or unless he was +born a twin, and the other ROBERT was a Scotchman. There he is. Get +the paper and see. + + * * * * * + +NOAH'S ARK MASONRY.--For the first time _Mr. Punch_, G.A.U.W.G.M., and +Past Grand Everybody, met with mention of the "Royal Ark Mariners." +Do they belong to an offshoot, or rather an Olive Branch, of +Free-Masonry? "There are 3980 of them," says the _Daily Telegraph_. +Where do they meet? In an Ark? Do they enter in pairs? Of course, +NOAH himself was a Mason, seeing that aboard his own vessel _he_ was +Sailing Master of the Craft. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MAN IN THE SOUTH. + +Having on some occasions during, I admit, the spring and autumn, spent +a few days at Pinemouth on the South-Western Coast, and having had +the enormous value of the place as an ultra salubrious health-restorer +most energetically impressed upon me from time to time by such +thoroughly disinterested persons as local members of the medical +profession who, as a rule, took their holiday during the summer +season, merely because they couldn't get the opportunity at any other +time--a fact in itself going a long way (as they themselves did--to +Switzerland and elsewhere) to prove the peculiar healthfulness of this +seaside resort, and the place having been further highly recommended +(by residents who, having houses to let for the summer, were quite +disinterested) as quiet and delightfully refreshing, and having, in +fact, heard all that could be said in favour of Pinemouth as a Summer +Resort by those who had only the welfare of their dear friends at +heart (and if such interest did put a little ready capital in their +pockets through taking their dear friends' houses--where is the +harm?), I, ROBINSON CRUSOE, Jun., "The Man of the First of August" +(that being the beginning of my tenancy) determined on trying +Pinemouth (a name that I find spelt with unpardonable familiarity in +some local guide-books, thus--"P'm'th"--an abbreviation leaving the +name scarcely a shred of its original character), and when I say so +boldly, "_I_ determined," any other Paterfamilias will at once know +what _that_ means. + +[Illustration: Mr. Robinson Crusoe, Junior, deciding on where to spend +his few weeks' holiday.] + +Of course, directly "P'm'th" was decided upon, some of our friends +shook their heads, others observed dubiously that "they _had_ heard it +wasn't such a _very_ bad place in August," while the majority bade me +farewell with forced cheeriness, expressed the heartiest hopes for our +health and happiness in the new climate we were going to try, and in +a general way our excellent friends and acquaintances were almost as +enthusiastic and hopeful on the score of our enjoying ourselves +and benefiting by the change, as were the American acquaintances of +_Martin Chuzzlewit_ and _Mark Tapley_ when those two emigrants were +starting for the great dismal swamp. + +Finding that we had made all our arrangements, and had actually signed +and sealed the bond, and delivered ourselves over into the hands of +the "P'm'thians," our friends, who, as we subsequently ascertained, +had never been near the place, or, if they had, had been there at a +hopelessly wrong time, and had pitched their tents in an utterly wrong +quarter, made ill-disguised attempts at speaking gently and kindly of +"P'm'th," allowing that possibly "it might not, at this time of year, +be so hot as had been represented,"--a theory which, like one recently +put forward by a tender-hearted theologian, was immediately placed +in the _Index Expurgatorius_ by the Inevitable Uncompromising One who +professed a thorough knowledge of the climate, and who asserted that +in this particular year, when the Summer had been abnormally hot and +was going to be more abnormally hot than ever, we should find "P'm'th" +absolutely unbearable. + +But, as the adventurous hero of "_Excelsior_" would listen to nobody, +so I (representing "we") refused to hear the prognosticators of woe, +and adhered manfully to my purpose. In the very hottest season, when +the thermometer in every London house went so high that it had to be +deluged with wholesome antiseptic Condyment, and doors and windows +were everywhere left open so as to obtain a through draught,--for +people lived on draughts of all sorts in those doggiest of dog-days +and on little else,--we, that is all the CRUSOES, were seated in our +garden looking on to the heather and the sea, open to all the winds +of heaven--and getting one of them, the south-east, blowing softly and +sweetly across our south-western height. Gracefully and gratefully +we arose to play tennis, and sat down again after the evening meal +to take our coffee and cigarettes. Bless thee, P'm'th! thou art +delicious! thou art refreshing! Hot in the hottest August ever known +thou certainly art, that is, at midday, down in your valley and your +town! But up above on the Western Heights, looking across an expanse +of purple and yellow, uninclosed by firs, pines, or larches, on to +the broad expanse of the deep blue sea, thou art all my fancy painted +thee, thou art cucumbery in thy coolness! and as I think of Royat and +Aix-les-Bains I smile a smile of gentle pitying wonder, and almost +feel inclined to piously pray for all poor bodies suffering from the +canicular heat, whether London doth still hold them in its toils, or +stifling, smelling Continental cities, are causing them to sigh for +the balmy breezes of Old England. + +Thus then is it that "P'm'th"--that is "Pinemouth" in its abbreviated +form--is the place about which, as being comparatively unknown at this +season of the year, I beg to offer to _Mr. Punch_, and through him to +the world at large, for the ultimate benefit of way-worn travellers, +a few notes representing an uncommonly pleasant experience, which, by +the kind permission of "_Mr. P'n'h_" aforesaid, shall be "continued in +our next" by + + "THE MAN IN THE SOUTH." + + * * * * * + +A WORD TO THE WEATHERWISE. + + [_Sir John Bridge_: Don't you think there is a great deal of + chance as to the weather we are to have to-morrow? _Mr. Muir + Mackenzie_: No. _Sir John Bridge_: The mass of mankind think + there is. _Mr. Muir Mackenzie_: Unfortunately the mass + of mankind are very ignorant.--Bow Street Police Court, + Wednesday, September 6.] + + Oh, Mr. MUIR MACKENZIE! we're right glad + To hear this news of meteorology. + Farewell to all the many doubts we've had, + The thing's as easy now as A B C. + _You_ know to-morrow's weather at a glance, + So, though we would not willingly o'ertask you, + When next we seek the weather in advance, + We'll simply drop a letter-card to ask you. + + * * * * * + +A CURE.--"No," said Mrs. R., after some consideration, "although I +do feel a touch of rheumatism now and then, yet I do not fancy going +abroad for treatment. There's some place where you drink waters and +take a bath, and then are tucked up in bed for the remainder of +the day. It's in Germany, I fancy, and I think they call the place +_Underdelinen_." + + * * * * * + +A HINT. + + You read my verse; the praises you bestow + Can make innocuous the critic's curse, + Vain his attack, unfelt his shrewdest blow, + _You_ read my verse. + + You like the rhymes; think not their writer worse + If just one hint he cannot well forego, + The bard, to put it in a manner terse, + Does not exist on praise alone, you know, + And sympathy can hardly fill his purse;-- + You borrow, and you do not _buy_, although + You read my verse! + + * * * * * + +"GONE NAP!"--It is all up with Mr. G.! The distinguished M.P. for St. +Pancras, in whose lineaments _Mr. Punch_ traced a marked resemblance +to the features of the Great Emperor of the French, and there and +thenceforth raising him from the rank of Mr. PELL as he was formerly +known, immediately christening him "NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY" (with +likeness drawn by LIKA-JOKO), even he has joined the Unionist +Opposition. He is no longer "Going Nap," he has gone. Doubtless, +Conservatives have their eye on him: but NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY is too +wary to be caught "napping." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INEXPENSIVE HOSPITALITY. + +_Fussy Wife._ "MY DEAR, WHAT COULD HAVE INDUCED YOU TO INVITE ALL +THOSE PEOPLE? WHY, OUR LITTLE DINING-ROOM WON'T HOLD THEM! AND FOR A +SUNDAY, TOO!!" + +_Sagacious Husband._ "MY DEAR, DON'T FUSS YOURSELF! THERE IS A SORT +OF A '_DON'T-DINE-OUT-ON-A-SUNDAY_' LOOK ABOUT THEM WHICH MADE IT +PERFECTLY SAFE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, September 4._--What happened to-night +in connection with the Blameless BARTLEY, Bart., should have useful +effect in checking the tendencies of the censorious. Having settled +business arrangements by moving Resolution, Mr. G. skipped out of +House to pack up for his journey to Scotland. No boy at end of term +more eager for holiday; none more thoroughly earned. In heat of +discussion going forward on details of Resolution Mr. G.'s departure +not generally noticed. Only one faithful eye--or, to be precise, a +couple--followed his passage behind SPEAKER'S chair. Eyes dimmed with +tears. For months, from early February to these young September days, +BARTLEY, Bart., has sat opposite Mr. G., has, so to speak, lived in +his large and magnificent eye. Now association about to be dissevered +by withdrawal of the stately presence from Treasury Bench. And only +the other day he had referred to BARTLEY as "the Hon. Baronet"! + +For a while BARTLEY, Bart., sat silent and sorrowing. If it had been +the custom to wear sackcloth on the Opposition benches, and any ashes +had been handy, he would undoubtedly have endeavoured to discover what +secret consolation their use conveys. Nothing of the kind to be had +on the premises. After brooding for a while, he up and spoke. "Where's +the PRIME MINISTER?" he cried aloud. House hardly recognised in this +wailing voice the stern accents with which it is familiar from the +same quarter. "It is not proper that the House should sit without the +PRIME MINISTER." + +SQUIRE OF MALWOOD (after all a kind-hearted man, quick to sympathy) +endeavoured to comfort the Bereaved. "Not proper," he exclaimed, "for +House to sit without presence of PRIME MINISTER! Why, for six years we +had no Prime Minister here." + +"That's all very well, but," as BARTLEY, still weeping for the PREMIER +and not to be comforted, subsequently observed to Admiral FIELD, "you +can't mend a broken heart by a quip." HANBURY and TOMMY BOWLES did +their best to soothe him; walked him up and down the Terrace; gave him +a cup of tea, a bottle of smelling salts, and a cabinet portrait +of Mr. G. But it was only late at night, when House had got into +Committee, he so far recovered as to move to reduce a vote by L100, +in order to plead for some amelioration of the lot of the Treasury +Valuer. + +_Business done._--Arrangements completed for Autumn Session. + +[Illustration: LAST WEEK. + +_Possible but improbable Scene in the Upper House, which perhaps Mr. +J-hn B-rns, M.P., may "regret he did not see._"] + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Remember one night in years gone by, +whilst HARTINGTON was still with us in the Commons, he interrupted +one of his own speeches by a portentous yawn. Complimented him on the +feat; few men, I said, would have the pluck to do it; might yawn at +other people's speeches, but never at their own. + +"Ah, TOBY," said COUNTY GUY, "you don't know how dem'd dull the speech +was. You only had to listen to some of it. I had to deliver it all." + +Thought of this to-night listening to old friend in Lords, now +scarcely disguised as Duke of DEVONSHIRE. Spoke for nearly two hours. +Those who read it will find speech admirable; one of the best, most +weighty, indictments of Home Rule and the tactics that have brought it +into position of Ministerial measure. But alack! for those who heard +it, or, at least, sat through the two hours; not many, all told; an +hour enough for THE MACULLUM MORE; other Peers on both sides of House +folded their tents like the Arab, and as silently stole away. The +MARKISS gallantly kept his place, sitting for some time with closed +eyes, the better to concentrate his attention. PRINCE ARTHUR and JOEY +C.--lovely in the Commons, in the Lords not divided--stood sturdily +on either side of the Throne. "The Lion and the Unicorn supporting the +Crown," said ROSEBERY, glancing across at them. + +[Illustration: Supporting the Crown.] + +For the ladies in the gallery, mothers and daughters, DEVONSHIRE not +so attractive a _parti_ as was HARTINGTON. Still, he is a pillar of +the Union, a brand snatched from the burning pile to which the wicked +hand of Mr. G. applied the traitrous torch. So they sat and +listened--half an hour, three-quarters of an hour, an hour. Then was +heard the light rustle of dainty dresses; doors softly opened along +the Gallery; for a moment a fair figure stood framed in it, with +guilty glance around to see if she was observed; then, with winning +"back-in-five-minutes" look on innocent face, she hastily stepped out. + +[Illustration: The Devonshire Yawn.] + +The Duke saw none of these things nor cared for them. He had a duty +to perform, and long before OLD MORALITY was heard of, the CAVENDISHES +did their duty. He plodded on through the melancholy night; stolidly +turning over the pages of his notes; stubbornly repressing a growing +tendency to yawn; catching his voice up when it wearily sank to the +level of his boots; making most pathetic effort to keep it going. +Usually it fell away at the end of the third or fourth sentence, to be +pulled up with harsh jerk at commencement of one that followed. A +good man struggling with the adversity of having to make a speech on +a topic harried to death in the other House through course of over +eighty days. + +"Yes," said the Member for Sark, waking up from gentle slumber +indulged in in corner seat at end of Gallery; "but why didn't he halve +his adversity? If he'd been content with an hour we should all have +been grateful, and he would have been spared a moiety of his anguish." + +_Business done._--Second Reading of Home-Rule Bill moved in House of +Lords. + +_Thursday._--Again a crowded assembly in Lords to-night to hear its +most brilliant Member. The Bishops, in great force, clustered, a group +of fluttering white lawn, on right of Woolsack. "The white flower of +a blameless Parliamentary life," the MARKISS says of them. Not an inch +of red benches visible on Opposition side. Even Ministerial benches +full, though, as was made clear in course of debate, not all who sit +there are Ministerialists. ROSEBERY, looking more boyish than ever, +sat amid the elders on Front Bench; makes no sign of intention +to follow SELBORNE; takes no note nor betrays other evidence of +uneasiness. SELBORNE preaches for hour and half. Understood to be +sermon worthy of his fame; we Commoners in gallery over bar could hear +only fragmentary portions of sentences. Reported that SELBORNE had +lost his notes; Member for Sark recognises most kindly interposition +of Providence. + +"If he speaks for hour and half with only recollection of his notes +where would he have been if he had them?" Must get WEIR to put that +conundrum to CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer. + +Grateful to ROSEBERY, since at least we can hear him, though he, too, +now and then falls into habit of dropping end of sentence. This +the less excusable, since none of them are heavy. A clever speech, +scarcely obscuring what seems to be difficult position. "Dancing among +the eggs," is BALFOUR OF BURGHLEY'S commentary. Of all listeners in +the brilliant throng none so attentive as the MARKISS. Seems, on the +whole, to like speech better than does SPENCER. + +"Reminds me, TOBY," MARKISS says, "of what LOVELACE wrote to LUCASTA, +'on going to the wars.' How does it run? + + I could not love Home Rule so much + Loved I not GLADSTONE more." + +In the Commons pegging away at estimates; occasional explosions; +JOSEPH, popping in from Lords, said a few genial words just to keep +matters going, and disappeared again. Came back after midnight in time +to have a round with SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. + +Uneasy feeling prevalent consequent on announcement made early in +sitting that charwoman employed in service of House has died of +cholera. This regarded as being exceedingly inconsiderate. Questions +usually every day about cholera at Grimsby and Hull. That all very +well; an incident possible to regard with philosophical mind. But +cholera in our own kitchen quite another sort of microbe. + +"I'm a family man," said COBB. "It's no use denying it, and I will not +attempt it. Was thinking of staying to see this out; begin to think +the Session unduly prolonged. In short, if I may quote an old proverb +adapted to the occasion, I would say, When cholera comes in by the +window COBB goes out by the door." _Business done._--Third night +Home-Rule debate in Lords. Supply in Commons. + +[Illustration: "Finished."] + +_Saturday_, 1 A.M.--All up with Little Bill-ee. His worst fears are +realised. Whilst Captain WILLYUM: has been having a quiet, restful +time among the heather, Guzzling BOB and Gorging HARTY have worked +their wicked will on the Innocent. Snickersees have been drawn; blows +have been dealt; the hunger of Ulster has been satisfied; Little +Bill-ee has been killed and eaten. + +"Just so," said the LORD CHANCELLOR from behind his wig; "a meal +eagerly partaken of. Now we've nothing to do but to wait awhile, and +see how it agrees with them. You remember, TOBY, the letters engraved +on the tomb of her late husband by the sorrowing widow in Ohio? + +S. Y. L. + +'See you later,' she explained to inquiring friends, was its portent. +S. Y. L., Little Bill-ee, S. Y. L.!" + +_Business done._--Lords throw out Home-Rule Bill by 419 Votes against +41. + + * * * * * + +Sartorial. + + "Naked and not ashamed" our "Interests" stand, + "Scourge of our Toil, monopolist of our Land!" + So someone says. But 'twill be found, if tested, + These "naked" interests are mostly _vested_. + + * * * * * + +A REAL "MAYOR'S NEST."--The platform (presided over by the Mayor of +Bristol) on the occasion of the opening of the Bristol Fine Art and +Industrial Exhibition. (See Illustrated Papers _passim_.) + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A MAN REPRIEVED FROM THE GALLOWS.--No noose is good news. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: + +Damaged and missing punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 122: 'fragant' corrected to 'fragrant'. '(Fair laden with "the +fragrant weed"), "A Quiet Pipe!"' + +page 125: 'cruised' corrected to 'cruiser'. armour-plated cruiser +_Impartial_ + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105, September 16th, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 37575.txt or 37575.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/5/7/37575/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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