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diff --git a/37561.txt b/37561.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10d845e --- /dev/null +++ b/37561.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2003 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, "That's me all over, Mable", by Edward +Streeter, Illustrated by G. William Breck + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: "That's me all over, Mable" + + +Author: Edward Streeter + + + +Release Date: September 29, 2011 [eBook #37561] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE"*** + + +E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland, Matthew Wheaton, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 37561-h.htm or 37561-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/37561/37561-h/37561-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/37561/37561-h.zip) + + + + + +"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" + +by + +LIEUT. EDWARD STREETER + +27th (N.Y.) Division +Author of "Dere Mable" + +With 25 Illustrations in Black-And-White by +Corp. G. William Breck ("Bill Breck") +27th (N.Y.) Division + + + + + + + +New York +Frederick A. Stokes Company +Publishers + +Copyright, 1919, by +Frederick A. Stokes Company + +All Rights Reserved + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + + Bill "We can fire all we want without hittin nothin" + + "I sit on a hill all day" + + "A bunch lyin under the trees" + + "My, what an awful bore" + + "The fello with the long hair" + + "He thinks there so sad that he almost cries" + + "They get awful fat, of course" + + "They come and get our dirty wash" + + "It aint as dangerous as I thought" + + "Angus likes it cause he can sit down in it" + + "If the top sargent dont remember" + + "She always carries a kid under her arm" + + "I dont eat nothin outside of meal hours exceptin a few pies" + + "I couldnt see a thing except the side of the hill" + + "He outran the other fello" + + "I sat next to a lady what didnt seem to have much on but a lot + of jewels" + + "The minister has two daughters--both girls" + + "They gave us coffee in egg cups" + + "The first sargent wouldnt let me" + + "The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it" + + "I just found your pictur at the bottom of my barrack bag" + + "I dont seem to need as much food as I used to" + + "Joe Loomis" + + "The tailor must have been a boiler maker once" + + + + +"_Thats Me All Over, Mable_" + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I take my pen in hand to tell you what do you think I done now? I left +the infantry an gone back into the artillery. The Captin hated to let me +go. He said the Artillery Colonel was a friend of his. I guess thats why +he finally said all right. It wasnt that I was scared of the infantry. I +guess you know that I aint scared of anything that walks on two legs +except the measles. The artillerys really more dangerous than the +infantry cause you stand in one place so they can get a good line on you +while in the infantry your running round all the time. + +Seein the Captin was so jealous of me I thought a fello with brains +would have more chance over here. I tried to transfer as an officer but +the Captin said I better go over as a private and as soon as they saw +what kind of a fello I was theyd fix me all right. He seemed to wake up +a little when he saw I was goin. Im going to put in my applicashun for +an officer as soon as I get a chance. + +I didnt go back to the same battery I was in before cause youll remember +that the Captin and I didnt get along very well. Couldnt seem to agree +on nothin. I thought it would be pleasanter for me an him to if I went +to another battery. + +It almost seemed like they was waitin for me cause the day after I came +over they hitched up the horses and drove the cannons out to the range. +Its kind of hard to explain to a girl like you what a range is. The only +way I can explain it is that it aint nothin like a range. There aint +nothin here but mountins and we can fire all we want without hittin +nothin but the mountins and once in a while maybe one of the mountin +ears. But they say there so tough they dont mind it a bit. Thats a funny +thing about artillery, Mable. The object seems to be not to hit nothin. +The day we got out here I heard the Captin say "Well Im glad were way +out in a place like this where we don't run no danger of hittin nothin." +All I said was "I like to see a fello careful Captin, but if thats all +your worryin about you needent have taken so much trouble." The longer I +know Captins the less I understand them. + +[Illustration: "WE CAN FIRE ALL WE WANT WITHOUT HITTIN NOTHIN"] + +This is the rainy season. The south is a wonderful country for wether +cause everything is divided off so well. There is three seasons. The +cold season, the hot season and the rainy season. Thats what makes the +place so good. It would be awful tiresome if you was always freezin to +death, or always soaked or always bakein. Now you get four months of +each. It makes a change for a fello. + +Theyve put me on the speshul detail. The speshul detail, Mable, is a +bunch of fellos what knows more than any one else in the camp. I sit on +a hill all day with a little telephone in a lunch box and take messages. +They got an awful system of sending messages in the artillery. Ill be +sittin there thinkin of you an waitin for lunch and somebody says +"Hello" an I says "Hello" just like a regular fone. And then they say +"Heres a message from mmmmmmmm." Its always the same fello. I dont know +who he is. And then they say "Tell Captin mmmmmmmm to mmmmmmmmm at once. +Please repeat." And then I repeat and whoever it is says "No, No" and +you dont here any more. I guess its some kind of a code they have. I +dont believe the Captin is on to it cause you ought to have heard what +he said the other day. I guess he was talkin about the fello on the +other end. I never heard your father do better. + +Its awful dangerous work cause where I sit aint more than half a mile +from the shells. If they ever put a curve on one of them its good night +Willie. I aint scared of course. I just menshuned it sos you wouldnt +worry. Ill tell you more about the telefone the next time. I may know +more about it myself then. + + Yours till they curve one + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "I SIT ON A HILL ALL DAY"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were still up at the artillery range shootin. I dont know what at. Im +beginnin to think nobody else does ether. Our guns is pointed right at +some woods. Weve been shootin at those woods now for a week and havnt +hit them yet. We always seem to go over them. Theres a fello stands +behind the guns and yells things all day like it was a poker game. "Up +five, up ten." The whole thing seems like an awful waste of time to me. +Im goin to suggest that we tie a couple of horses to a tree and shoot at +them. The fellos would take more interest in there work if there was +some reward. It wouldnt bother the horses much if we cant hit the woods +I guess, eh Mable? They can use my horse. If Im willin to take a chance +he ought to be. + +A fello told me the other day that these torpetoes what we shoot cost as +high as twenty dollars apiece. I dont believe that though or theyd be a +law against it. I guess he was talking about the guns. Im going to take +a couple of torpetoes back to camp and see how much the audience +department will give me for them. Thrifty. Thats me all over, Mable. + +The mountin ears come over and watch us. I guess the moonshining +business must be lax this time of year. A moonshiner makes whisky out of +corn. Angus MacKenzie tried to make some by soaking a couple of ears in +a bucket for almost a week. It didn't taste like much though an made us +kind of sick. I guess you have to have a still like these fellos have. +They call it a still, Mable, cause they have to use it on the quiet. + +The mountin ears are awful fierce with big adams apples and round hair +cuts when they have any. They have family foods. I guess they got the +idea from the movies, Mable. For instance the Turners live on the one +side of the mountin and the Howards on the other. That makes them sore +so they shoot each other. Accordin to the stories they only shoot each +other when they are goin to church. From the looks of them I guess they +made that rule to save amunishun. + +Angus an I went out last Sunday looking for a still. We thought we had +one once and watched it most all day but it turned out to be just a +little shack where they sell fig newtons and lemon pop to the fellos. +You cant fool Angus. + +The more I see of the army, Mable, the more I think its an awful +bluff. I heard a lot of talk when I first came up about a gun park. I +thought it would be a nice place to go Sundays and have some fun. I +asked the Captin if there was a lake where a fello could get a canoo and +have a little paddle. He said no but they had a fine collecshun of +animals. I didnt see nothin of no park when we came up. I spent a whole +Sunday afternoon lookin for it. One day I asked the sargent where it was +while we were unhitchin. He said we were in it then. It isnt nothin but +a big field without a blade of grass or a tree and just the guns in the +middle. I told him if he thought this was a park he ought to see +Weewillo Park home. I guess you ought to know, Mable, I paid your way in +often enough. + +[Illustration: "A BUNCH LYIN UNDER THE TREES"] + +Its like those picturs you see stuck around Main Street about men wanted +for the army. Theres always one fello playin tunes on a bugle, an a +couple of fellos playin Old Maid on a table. An off in the corner theres +always a bunch lyin under the trees like the High School tennis team +having there pictur taken. Now that isnt the kind of thing we do at all, +Mable. If the top sargent ever found us like that hed swallo his +whissle. + +I had a run in with the Captin last week, Mable. I cant seem to get +along with Captins. High strung. Thats me all over. Every week we have +an inspecshun and I have to clean the whole gun myself. They send the +whole bunch down but I guess its just to hand me things. Like nurses in +an operation. It aint much fun I tell you. When the Major came around +next day he opened the little door in the back of the gun and I guess he +saw how many parts there was to keep clean cause he says "My, what an +awful bore." The Major is all right, Mable. He likes a fello to have a +little fun once in a while. I guess he aint never been a Captin. I says +"Yes, Major, it certainly is, an nobody knows it better than me cause I +cleaned the whole thing myself." He says "Well if you dont do somethin +about it next week then you wont have nobody to blame but yourself." + +I took the hint right off and when it came time to clean guns for the +next inspecshun I got a horse and rode over to town and took a bath. I +told the Captin afterwards what the Major had told me but I dont think +he would care if General Perishing had asked me home to dinner. Its what +_he_ wants. To tell the truth I think he was sore cause I got a bath an +he didnt. + +Thats a funny thing about the army. If theres a speck of dirt on the old +guns or the horses everyone gets an awful ballin out. But if a fello +takes a little time to wash hisself youd think he done a crime. + +[Illustration: "MY, WHAT AN AWFUL BORE"] + +Well I got to quit now. Im goin on what Angus MacKenzie calls a still +hunt. Thats a skotch joke. + +I think when the wars over Ill marry you an be a mountin ear. They dont +seem to have nothin to do but stand round with there hands in there +pockets and watch us work. Thats a nice life. + + yours till then + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Spring is come. The buds is stickin out on the trees. Pieces of +tacksicabs is stickin up through the mud on the roads. Yesterday I +caught a fly. It makes a fello feel romantic somehow or other. Some of +em shines there shoes and rites home oftener. Some has even had there +picturs taken. Max Glucos was so sure spring was here that he got usin +the Sibly stove for a laundry bag. Then we had a cold night and Angus +MacKenzie thought it was kindling. Max an Angus aint speakin now. Not +that that matters much though cause they never said much when they did +talk. + +It kind of makes me restless Mable when I think of you and Main St. and +the fello with the long hair in Billings and Stover what used to make us +up Sundays. An I get lonesome for Maple st. with you an me sittin at one +end of the piazza pretendin we was listenin to your father readin the +newspaper out loud. If I ever get old, Mable, dont let me read the +newspaper out loud. An do you remember how still wed have to sit sos the +hammok wouldnt squak after eleven o'clock or your fatherd stick his head +out the door an say that if I didn't have a home you did? An how wed +go canooing at Weewillo park Saturday nights and stay out till the fello +that hired the boats out went to sleep. I was always a good spender. You +know that, but thrifty. Thats me all over, Mable. + +[Illustration: "THE FELLO WITH THE LONG HAIR"] + +I was comin back to camp the other night and a guard stopped me and says +"Who goes there?" an I says without thinkin "Me an Mable every Saturday +night." Thats the way I am now. + +Max Glucos says poetry. Spring hits him that way. Some gets hay fever, +some rash and others poetry. He says one thing that starts "In the +spring a young mans fancy vests and socks come into view." He says a +fello named Burns wrote it. Angus says Burns was a hot skotch. But I +guess you wouldnt understand that. + +Were going to have a divishun show. Of course every body in the divishun +isnt goin to be in it. A lot of them has to be detailed to watch it. +They asked me what I could do and I said most anything but Id like to +say a piece called Gungadien. Its a piece I came across in a book by a +fello I never heard of so I didnt think any of the fellos would know it. +They told me to report at the mess shack an theyd fix me up. When I went +they told me I was electrician cause anybody could recite pieces but +they had to have a fello with a bean on him to be electrician. They +told me they was goin to hold me for an emergency. If the show went +rotton an everybody got throwin things then theyd send me out. + +Fellos is funny, Mable. Most of em when you ask em say they cant do +nothin. Then if they think they aint goin to be urged they say there +rotton but theyll have a try at it. Then when they get down rehersin +they get so pleased with themselves they dont want to quit an give +nobody else a chance. Its part of the electricians job to get them away +when they get through. One fello plays a ukaylaly and sings Howareyoun +songs. He thinks there so sad that he almost cries every time. We think +so too but it makes us mad instead. + +Thank your mother for the spring tonic she sent me. Its funny that a +bottle of medicine was the first thing that ever came through the post +office without bein in pieces. I cant say much for the taste. I guess +thats why it got by the post office so well. Your mother rote me to take +it regular cause it put iron in my blood. Angus says we got enough stuff +to lug around now without ballisting our insides with iron. After he +tasted it he said that if he had to have iron in his blood hed rather +swallo a couple of nails and let them dissolve inside him than take +them predigested. + +[Illustration: "HE THINKS THERE SO SAD THAT HE ALMOST CRIES"] + +Dont send me no more nitted things, Mable. Its gettin hotter every day. +Next winter well be in France. Its nice and warm there all the time. +Besides Paris is a pretty fair sized town. I can run in any time and get +what ever I want. Give my regards to your father. I hope his liver is +workin again. I dont suppose he is by any chance. + + yours regardless + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I got arrested for a week up at the artillery range. That aint a +disgrace like bein arrested in the city though. Down here some of the +nicest fellos does it. There aint no jale. I just live in a different +tent. I guess they couldnt think of any place worse to live in than a +tent. Im in with a good crowd. It makes a nice change from drillin. I +got arrested for my watch bein slow. That shows how strict they are in +the army. + +While we was firin at the range the other day I was sittin on a hill +with the fone takin messages from another hill. I was thinkin of you an +gettin kind of dopy when some one says over the fone "This is the +General." I says "How do you do sir." Curteus. Thats me all over, Mable. +I guess he didnt here me though. He says "Were going to syncopate our +watches." That was a new one on me Mable. I was goin to tell him that +mine didnt need it. Its the one your father gave me an its been runnin +in ragtime ever since I got it. + +Then he says "When I say check its ten fifty five (10.55)." I thought he +was exceedin his authority but I didnt say nothin an when he said check +I just passed it over. He waited a minute and then he says "When I say +check its ten fifty seven (10.57)." It struck me that I might have +worked that out myself but I didnt say nothin. Then he says after a +minute. "When I say check its ten fifty nine (10.59)." Then just to save +him trouble I says "I got a watch myself sir. And as a matter of fact +your five minutes fast." I guess I was slow. But as I say bein in arrest +aint no disgrace like bein in the city. + +Im going to ask the Captin to let me off this telefone job. Whenever +they dont know who to let out on they let out on the telefone man. What +they want is a mind reader not a fello with brains. The other day the +Captin says "Lay this spool of wire up that hill." He handed me a thing +that looked like a trolly cable and weighed about as much. Then he went +home to read the paper till I came back and told him it was done. Thats +the way with Captins. When I got it all done they go and say to the +Major "I laid the wire up the hill." An the Major says "That was a good +job, Captin. You must be tired. Have a cigar." But I never say nothin. +Thats me all over, Mable. + +I took the wire like he said and laid it under a bush on top of the hill +sos nobody could swipe it. When I came down I showed him where it was +on a little pictur I drew him. An to here him talk youd think hed never +asked me to take it up the hill at all. + +Yesterday we was firin into the middle of a field where there wasnt a +livin thing to hit as far as I could see. If the Captin had to pay for +these torpetoes I bet hed be more careful of them. He was awful excited +though. He came up an gave me a lot of numbers to fone to his battery. +He didn't say what to do with them an nothin happened. That got him +sore. It aways does. Captins thinks you ought to know what to do without +tellin you. He started to take it out on me bein the nearest. He says +"Get somethin off quick. Hurry up. Get somethin off quick." So just to +humor him I took off my shirt as he hadnt specified. You cant do nothin +right for a man like that though. + +Im learnin a lot about cannons an there habits. There like horses. When +you first get them there wild. The Captin told me that every other +battery but his was awfully wild. He has trouble with his though cause +the other day they telefoned up that theyed just broken one of his guns. +I guess he likes em better wild cause he got awful sore. But you couldnt +do anything right for the Captin. + +[Illustration: "THEY GET AWFUL FAT, OF COURSE"] + +You ought to see the Major, Mable. A major is a fello that only comes +round once a week. They get awful fat of course. Ours is taller in bed +than he is standin up. I guess he is the kind of thing they have in mind +when they say "not to be taken into the front line trenches." + +Im goin to send you one of the torpetoes they shoot out of the guns. +There lyin all over the lot. As far as I can see there just as good as +new. The Captin said not to touch any of em case they mightent have +exploded and was liable to go off when you handled them. I asked them +where they was goin to but he couldnt see a joke if you hit him with it. +Im not takin no chances though Mable. I always carry a hammer and I +pound each one of them good before I pick em up. + +Im beginning to think all this stuff about the mountin ears bein wild is +a lot of fake. I been out with Angus MacKenzie three times huntin stills +an the nearest thing we found to one was a fello what sold Bevo. An they +dont seem to be very wild. They come round and get our dirty wash every +day or two and the only wild thing is me when they bring it back. They +all seem to be mixed up on the shavin regulashuns. They all shave there +necks and let there wiskers grow. + +Well, Mable, pretty soon well be coming back from the range an goin into +town again. I been away so long I bet William S. Hart has grown a +beard. When you rite I wish youd look up and see when lent is sos I +could give up a little somethin. The way a fello loses track of national +holidays down here is awful. + +Give my regards to your mother and as far as Im concerned to your father +to. + + Yours till better times + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "THEY COME AND GET OUR DIRTY WASH"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I aint arrested no more. Im back to work again. I aint worrying though +cause if things keeps on the way there goin Ill be arrested again pretty +soon. I know now why they call it arrest. No drill or nothin. All a +fello has to do all day is go around with a pick and shovel and dig. + +Were still firin away at the range but we havnt hit it yet. If they keep +firin amunishun around much longer they wont have nothin left to fire at +the Germans but the guns. Eh Mable? Thats the kind of thing Im always +sayin in line. Keeps the fellos from gettin depresed. + +I learned one thing about artillery. It aint as dangerous as I thought. +They fire at what they call a target but it aint like any target I ever +saw. It aint got circles round it or nothin. Every time they shoot they +make a little dot on a piece of paper to show where the torpeto hit. The +idea seems to be to hit all around the target but never to land one on +top of it. If I was out there Id make a bee line for the target and sit +tight till it was all over. Then someone says "The center of impact hit +the target clean as a whissle." And they all seem awful pleased. From +all Ive seen if the Germans will only land me on the head with a center +of impact I wont feel Ive got any kick coming. + +I was out with Angus MacKenzie on a still hunt and an autymobile came +along what belonged to a fello what had two sons in the army. I could +tell cause it had a flag on the front with two stars on it. It stopped +in front of us. The fello what owned it belonged to the cavalry cause he +had a yello hat cord on. He leaned out and says "Dont you see that +flag?" I says "yes, sir, I was just simpathizing with em." That kind of +went home I guess cause he got red an says "You report this thing to +your battery commander immedeately." So when I got home I told him that +a fello what owned a big car had two sons in the army. I had to call him +out from mess to tell him an he says what the this that and the other +did he care. If you do what your told you get in trouble and if you dont +you do to. + +The Captins gone to Fort Silly now to learn somethin. I just told Angus +MacKenzie I thought hed get more at Fort Levenworth. But thats a +tecknickle joke, Mable. Of course you wont get it. I guess the +Lieutenant thought he was in the audience department or somethin cause +right away after the Captin left he came down and said now he was +goin to make a battery out of us. I told him I knew where there was a +good dry cell just above New York. That fello wouldnt laff though, +Mable, if Joe Miller hisself told him a joke. All he thinks of is +smoothin out horses. + +[Illustration: "IT AINT AS DANGEROUS AS I THOUGHT"] + +The feelin between me and the horses seems to grow worse every day, +Mable. I think my horse has got me mixed up with somebody else. I never +did nothin to him except bring him down some of my breakfast one +morning. The sargent is always tellin me to pick up his feet. I tell him +theres no call for that. He seems to be able to do it pretty well all by +hisself. He has em in the air most of the time when Im around. + +He kept pesterin me though till the other day I thought Id show him I +could do it. I put his front foot through the spokes of a wheel and tied +it then grabbed the back one and gave an awful heave. Its a way Ive +worked out for handlin bad horses. I figured hed have to be pretty good +to stan on one leg and kick me with the other. But when he found he +couldnt kick me he lay down on top of me. Mean, Ill tell the world. + +Now the stable sargent says I hurt the horse. Thats stable sargents all +over. If the horse had bit my head off hed have thought it was an awful +joke. All I say is that Im not as strong as a horse even if I did win a +lot of cups at high school an if I can stand on to legs a horse can to +only hes to lazy. + +Max Glucos and Angus and me goes over to see the mountin ear what sells +Bevo once in a while. Were tryin to catch him some day when hes wild. He +aint been wild so far ceptin one day when we forgot to pay him. Angus +says they only get wild certain times of the year. Angus wont drink +Bevo. He says it looks the same and tastes the same but it aint got the +same influence with him. + +The mountin ears hate niggers. This one has been tryin to get us to go +on what he calls a coon hunt ever since we been up here. Were goin with +him this week. They hunt them at night. I suppose thats so you cant see +them so well. He takes the dogs sos they can smell the coon. I guess the +mountin ears got a cold. The coon climbs a tree, then you cut the tree +down and then the coon of course has to come down to. I wonder what they +do with them when they get them. It seems foolish to go to all that +trouble when you can find a dozen of them in every little house you come +to. + +Angus has got a rubber bath tub sent him. He thinks its great cause you +can fold it so small it goes in your pocket. Who wants to carry a +bath tub in there pockets? I guess its a skotch custom. Perhaps they +take it out while there waiting for a street car and take a bath. Angus +likes it cause he can sit down in it. When he does it fits him like it +was tailor made. All the rest of the bath slides off him onto the floor +or into my shoes. + +[Illustration: "ANGUS LIKES IT CAUSE HE CAN SIT DOWN IN IT"] + +Well Mable I got to quit now and help out one of the sargents what has a +job cleanin some harness. Hes a nice fello and he asked me to come down +about two hours ago. I guess Ill go down now and see if there through. +Willin. Thats me all over. + + yours patrioticaly + + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Its so foggy that we cant fire at the range. I dont see what difference +that makes though. I havnt seen nothin since we started but a bunch of +trees in front of the guns. Im goin to rite you a letter if the top +sargent dont remember that he aint put me on no detail. We leave the +guns out all night. Just sos well have somethin more to guard I guess. +Were supposed to take turns guarding. As far as I can make out that +means me and the rest of the battery altercate every other night. I +suppose they think some of the mountin ears is goin to take one of the +guns and go drivin with it. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says they +have to guard em sos they wont go off. That sounds kind of silly to me +though, Mable. + +I been raisin a mustash. That is I was till yesterday when I cut it off +while I was shavin and thinkin of you. I was sorry cause it was comin +good. You could see it as plain as day with the naked eye. (Thats just +an expreshun, Mable.) In a couple of places I could catch hold of it. +They say nothin grows very good down here, though, but cotton. I +guess I'll wait until I get to France. + +[Illustration: "IF THE TOP SARGENT DONT REMEMBER"] + +The Lieutenant told us today that when we got over there wed all have to +read meters. I cant see what thats got to do with artillery. That used +to be Max Glucoses business though. Hes teaching me how. He thinks maybe +if we study theyll make us meter spechulists. Spechulists dont have to +get up so early. Angus says he thinks they put meters on the gas shells. +That shows how systumatic they are. + +And they say there goin to give us Infield rifles. I think they got it +mixed up with base ball. It seems as though when you join the artillery +you join everything else at the same time. I suppose the next thing +theyll do is learn us a little navigashun. + +Ive started savin again Mable for the little white house with the green +blinds. Last month I saved a dollar eighty six ($1.86). That with five +dollars ($5) I borrowed from Joe Loomis makes almost seven ($7) dollars. +I aint the kind of a fello thats always bothering his girl with money +matters. I believe in keepin business out of the home. Close. Thats me +all over, Mable. But in the bigger things I think you ought to know how +we stand. + +We may have to go at the house kind of gradual. Buy the blinds first +say. But theys one thing about it. Ive been ruffing it so long in the +army that there aint no kind of hardship thatll bother me. + +The mountin ears has funny customs, Mable, and yello dogs without any +stummucks. Angus an I was out ridin last Sunday lookin for a still an +got cold. We stopped at a cabin an a fello came out with a round hair +cut an says "Howdy boys, wont ye light an strip?" Angus says that he +didnt have no figger for that but wed come in an get warm. Eh Mable? + +Once in a while when we cant eat what the cook gives us which is most of +the time we go down the road to a mountin ears wife what makes pan +cakes. She always carries a kid under her arm like an over coat. It +looks as if the kids head was on the stove most of the time. Angus says +she greases the griddle with it. I dont know about that, but the mountin +ears is awful tough people. + +Me an some of the other fellos went to a mountin ears party in a little +town near here the other night. There was a lot of girls there with +funny noses. When they saw us they all ran in a corner and laffed at us. +That made me kind of sore cause we hadnt invited ourselves but been ast. +The lady that ast us said the girls had there old close on and was +ready for anything. We played old maid till half past nine. Then the +lady what ast us brought in a bowl of apples and our hats. She said the +girls was all nice and they couldnt galyvant round all night and get +talked about. + +[Illustration: "SHE ALWAYS CARRIES A KID UNDER HER ARM"] + +The Lieutenant told us that in a couple of weeks the whole artillery +brigade is comin up an there goin to have a garage fire. I told him if +he knew about it so far ahead that there wasnt no excuse for such a +thing. Though I should think that would be all a garage would be good +for around here. You cant tell the Lieutenant nothin though since the +Captin went to Fort Silly to learn something and left him in charge of +the battery. I think the authority has gone to his head. Angus says its +gone where its least crowded. + +I read the other day, Mable, that there makin the cups rough on the +bottom now so youll think theres sugar in them. They cant fool me +though. Quick. Thats me all over. + +Dont feel you got to stop nittin me things just because I cant use them +now. You cant tell when well have another winter. Besides it gives you +somethin to think about when you sittin talkin. + +Im sending you a new piece on the phoneygraph that I got in the ten cent +store. Its called "look out Germany, I am comin." It gives you an idea +of the way I feel. I got to stop now an go an see some fellos in another +battery. I just herd the top sargent blow his whissle. + + yours till I rite again + + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I would have rote you before this only the fellos in my tent is too tite +to buy any paper. It wouldnt take much, though, to tell you what I been +doin. If I ever rote a book about my adventures same as that fellow +Empty what rote the book called "Over the top and go to Hell" it would +run in competeshun with the Manual of Inferior Guard. Im gettin so I can +only sleep four hours at a time. The only trouble is that it works the +other way. When I do happen to miss a day not bein on guard I have to go +to sleep after I work for two hours. Of course that interferes with the +drill skedule, Mable, but you cant explain nothing to a top sargent. + +I overslept the other mornin. I didn't here the horn. I dont see how +they expect a fello to here the horn if hes a sleep. If he herd it hed +be awake. I got out before they started firin anyway. I had to go +without breakfast to do it. I wasnt goin to complain about that, though. +Soldierin every minit. Thats me all over, Mable. The Lieutenant got +awful sore. I guess he was mad cause hed got up earlier than he had to. +He said he was goin to prefer charges and asked me what I had to say. I +told him every man to his taste and if he was askin my opinion Id prefer +to go back to bed. Awful excitable fello, the Lieutenant. + +I saw a letter on the tops desk yesterday about the meddles a fello can +get now. Theys all kinds of different ones. Somes from Congress and +somes from the Ward Apartment. Im goin to rite my congresman as soon as +I finish this letter and get a bunch of them. Of course I wouldnt wear +them till I do somethin pretty good but I figure out that itll take so +long to get em over there that it would be better to get em now and take +em over with me. + +Im goin to tell the congresman to that as far as Im concerned Id like to +go to France as soon as I can. Its gettin nice and warm now for +travelin. I want to see the Champs Eliza. Thats a street in Paris that +was named after Queen Elizabeth. But thats history, Mable, I dont +suppose you understand. They tell me its even better lookin than +Broadway or Fortysecond (42nd) street. + +I saw in the Sarahcuse papers that they thought the artillery was goin +there to expand. If I expand any more, Mable, Im going to bust my belt. +I dont know why it is. I dont eat nothin outside of meal hours +exceptin a few pies and the like but I get fatter and fatter. I never +think of eatin when Im not hungry like some fellos. A fello what does +that is makin a pig out of hisself I think. + +[Illustration: "I DONT EAT NOTHIN OUTSIDE OF MEAL HOURS EXCEPTIN A FEW +PIES"] + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, was out guardin the guns with me the +other night. He went to sleep on an aunt hill. I guess the aunts thought +he was a new mountin or somethin cause they was all standin on him the +next mornin. To look at the sunrise I says, eh Mable? Angus didnt seem +to care though. He says Napoleun had the same thing happen to him and +was always tellin how an army traveled on his stummick. Nepoleun, Mable, +is the fello that Washington licked. They named that three colored ice +cream after him. + +All day long while were firin, Mable, a fello from Brigade headquarters +stands near the guns and looks through a big glass with horns on it. I +guess hes to lazy to hold it hisself so he brings out camera legs and +puts them under it. He looks through the glass and seems to see a lot of +numbers that he tells to a fello what stands beside him. I dont see +where he sees them. I looked through the glass the other day while he +was eatin lunch and I couldnt see a thing except the side of the hill. +Then he came back and looked through it and read off a string of them. +The fello beside him rites down everything he says. I looked over his +shoulder the other day. It looked more like a Jewish curse to me than +anything else. + +The Lieutenant came down the other day and told us to get all shined up +cause the Sanitary inspector was comin out to look us over. I thought +hed be all dressed up in white with white tennis shoes like fancy bakers +and sanitary barber shops. He wasnt though. He just had on a regular +uniform. I didnt think he was speshully sanitary. It may have been +sunburn though. I couldnt tell from where I stood. + +He had a fello with him they said was from the audience department. I +know now why they call it the audience department. All they do is come +round and watch us work. Thats a branch I didnt know about till after Id +joined this. + +Well, Mable, I got to quit now and go and look at the Guard rooster to +see if I answer sick call tomorrow mornin. They say the Germans is +raisin the dickins. I wish theyd hurry up and get me over there. + + yours eternally, + in haste + + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "I COULDNT SEE A THING EXCEPT THE SIDE OF THE HILL"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I thought Id rite you and let you know they wasnt nothing particular to +say. Theyve called off the firin for a few days till they can get some +more amunishun. If theyd only scatter a few Germans out there it wouldnt +be such an awful waste. Ive fired so much now I guess I could fire +anything. Tell your mother the first thing Im going to do when I get +home is fire the cook. Same old card, eh Mable? + +Its nice and warm here now. We havnt used the Sibly stove for a week +exceptin to keep our dirty wash in. An old nigger comes round once a +week and takes it out. I cant figger that nigger out, Mable. From the +looks of the wash he brings back he thinks I only got one leg and from +the looks of the bill he hands me he thinks Im a sentapeed. Angus says +hes not all there hisself. Thats why he loses so much. + +We had a boxing fight the other night. The Lieutenant says they increase +the moral. I dont think they do the non coms no good though when they +see the wallop some of the fellos in their squad has got. Joe Loomis has +been talkin so much about how he could lick the whole divishun with one +hand behind his back that we got him to go in. I put some money on him +at his advice. + +I guess he made his mistake in not tyin his hand. Somebody told me he +was fast. He was. He outran the other fello all the way. Angus says they +ought to make speshul fighting rings with banked corners sos fighters +could make better time. + +Joe thinks he won yet. He says if he hadnt slipped and fell out of the +ring on his elbow hed have nocked that fellos head offen his shoulders +so hard it would have hurt somebody. Im glad I borrowed the money I bet +on him. It might have been a total loss. + +Im going to ask the Lieutenant to make me a bugler, Mable, sos I can +find where buglers go between meals. Nobody ever sees a bugler except at +mess and on payday. Ive asked a lot of fellos but nobody knows what +becomes of them. I wouldnt want to be a bugler all the time. Its two +much strain on a fellos face. As soon as I find out where they go Ill +transfer back as a fighter. + +I went into town the other night, Mable, and went to a dinner that me +and a lot of other fellos was ast to. I sat next to a lady what didnt +seem to have much on but a lot of jewels as far as I could see. Of +course she was sittin at the table, Mable. I looked the other way all +the time I was talkin to her cause I didnt want to embarass her. I was +going to offer her my coat but I didnt see why I should take cold if she +wanted to. + +[Illustration: "HE OUTRAN THE OTHER FELLO"] + +We didnt talk much. Once she looked at me for a long time and then says +"You know, Mr. Smith, every time I take a hot bath I feel very guilty." +All I said was "Because youre not sharing it with somebody I suppose." +Then we didnt talk much again. + +There was a lady across the table with turtle-hide eye glasses what was +collectin things for the sufferin in the Palacestein. I asked her why +she didnt put an add in the paper askin everybody to send in there old +brown derbies. Nobody got it though. I was the only one at the whole +table that a got a laugh out of it. + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello was there. He says he likes that kind +of a party. He is always full of get up and go from the minute he gets +there. + +I never saw so many dying relatives in my life as is comin by telegram +every day. Have you got an epidermic or somethin up north, Mable? It +seems as if everybody I know had been home at least once to help his +grandmother die. None of em seem to care much for their relatives, +though, from the way they act when there startin home to watch them pass +away. I asked the Lieutenant for a furlo. He wouldnt give it to me. Got +it in for me just like the Captin did. I wish youd telegraph him that +you died quietly and couldnt I come up for the funeral "on or about" the +middle of the month. + +While we was firin at the range the other day a couple of fellos rode +out by the targets lookin for shells. It was the first time wed seen +anything worth while firin at. Everybody was right on there toes. I +guess the Lieutenant didnt see em though cause he had us cease firin. +Dopy. Thats the way he is all the time. I dont see how were ever going +to learn nothin if we dont ceaze our opportunities. + +I dont guess theres any use in my askin you if your havin a good time. I +dont see how you could be under the circumstances. Just make the best of +it Mable and as soon as me and the rest of the fellos can get things +straightened out Ill come back and paint the canoe again. + + until then + yours faithfully + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "I SAT NEXT TO A LADY WHAT DIDNT SEEM TO HAVE MUCH ON BUT + A LOT OF JEWELS"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I am bustin into societie up here at the range. This needent make no +difference between you and me though. There aint nothing stuck up about +me but my hair. Thats all right so long as its good and wet. Last Sunday +while I was takin a bath in a little town near here the minister ast me +to dinner. Not while I was in the tub, of course, Mable. Just after. He +ast Joe Loomis to. He had to really cause he was with me. Hes not a +regular minister. Hes got a lot of money and pointed shoes an is down in +the mountins for cronik azmuth. Awful highbrow, Mable. Dont know who +Ring Lardner is and changes the needle after every record. + +The minister has two daughters, both girls, and a wife. One of the girls +is good looking and the other is more like youd expect. I guess shes a +pillo of the church. Joe was ast for her while I amused the good looker. +Anybody but Joe could have seen that. Not him. He kept buttin in an +makin an ass of hisself. + +We was ast for dinner at hapast one. Joe thought it would be politer not +to run in an eat an run out like it was a canteen so we went a little +early. About noon. They played highbrow pieces on the phoneygraph. The +kind that has only one tune on them an cost so much that everybody has +to lissen. Joe dont know nothin about music of course. Right while K. +Russo was havin an awful time he says if theyll speed it up he like to +have a little dance. + +The minit we sat down to dinner Joe started tellin one of his stories +about how he almost got killed one time. They was all waitin for him to +shut up sos the minister could say grace before the soup got all cold. +Joe thought they were listenen to him. Thats somethin that aint ever +happened to him before. He kept draggin it out and draggin it out. The +only thing that finally stopped him was that he forgot the point. Then +the minister put his nose in his soup and began sayin grace. Joe thought +he was talkin to him and kept askin "Hows that and what say" all the +time he was prayin. + +I aint never goin out with that fello no more. I guess thats safe cause +he wont never be ast. All the time durin dinner he kept sayin, "My gawd +I hate to make such a hog of myself." Then the minister would look like +hed lost some money and my girl would giggle. The ministers wife passed +him some stuff she said was real old spider corn cake. Joe said he +didnt care how old it was. Since hed been in the army hed got sos he +could eat anything. Then he thought a while an says he guessed it must +have been a relief to the spiders to get rid of them. Nobody said +nothin. Just to show his poyse Joe took his fork out of his mouth and +speered four pieces of bread across the table. + +[Illustration: "THE MINISTER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS--BOTH GIRLS"] + +He was all for keepin the same plate through dinner and gettin up an +helpin. Said he knew what it was like to be in the kitchen on Sunday. +They forgot the coffee till dinner was over. They didn't like to waste +it I guess bein war times so the ministers wife ast us if wed like to go +into the drawin room an have it. Joe said he wasnt much at drawin but My +gawd if he sat round makin a hog of hisself any longer theyd have to +give it to him in a bed room. + +They gave us coffee in egg cups. Seein I wasnt payin for it I didnt +guess it was my place to say nothin. Manners. Thats me all over, Mable. +We got talkin about one thing and another. I was tellin them about the +war and when it was goin to end. Joe was sittin on the sofa with the +other daughter pickin the sole of his shoe. I felt sorry for him cause I +knew hed be lookin at fotygraphs pretty soon if he didnt buck up. + +The ministers wife asked me what I thought of wimmins sufrage. I said I +thought it was a good thing but you couldnt tell. Thats the beauty of +always keepin read up on these things. If you happen to get outside the +army for a little while and meet some inteligent people you can talk on +pretty near anything. Then she turned to Joe and ast how he felt. Joe +jumped like somebody sprung out at him an says "A little sick to my +stummick thanks but thatll be all right as soon as things set a bit." + +The good lookin one said she thought our officers was awful cute. I +guess she never seen our Lieutenant. She said she just couldnt resist +them. I says, quick without thinkin it up "Of course, its against the +law to resist an officer." That got them all laffin an they forgot Joe +for a little while. + +Both the daughters sang a duette. Joe says that was the best thing about +it. They got through twice as quick. We got laffin so hard that I says I +guess wed have to go sos to be in time for mess. Then Joe got awful +polite and backed over a rubber plant an says "My gawd excuse me." He +wont never be ast again. + +Ive been wonderin for a long time, Mable, why the audience officers all +wear spurs. They dont ever ride a horse of course. I ast Angus +MacKenzie, the skotch fello, the other day and he says its to keep +there feet from slidin off the desk. Aint that a funny custom? + +[Illustration: "THEY GAVE US COFFEE IN EGG CUPS"] + +I guess were goin to begin shootin again pretty soon. The Lieutenant +says the artillery is goin to have a Brigade problem and the infantry is +comin up from camp for it. I guess well all take a lot more interest in +the shootin if theres somethin worth while to fire at. + + yours in spite of better things + _Bill_. + +P.S. Joe Loomis just got a letter that smelt and what do you suppose, +Mable? It was from the goodlookin daughter askin him to come over to +dinner next Sunday all alone. I guess there not as high brow as I +thought. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were back from shootin at the range. We ended up by firin at the +infantry. That was what they was talkin about when they said there was +goin to be a garage fire. Thats the army all over, Mable. Tecknickle. +The firin was a total failure, Mable. We fired at the range for three +months an never hit it. That aint surprisin cause I never see nothin +except some trees in front of the guns and we always fired over those. +When they finally got wise and put some infantry out there for us to +fire at we missed them absolutely. Fired everythin in front of them. + +Dont say nothin about this cause it might get into the papers and cheer +up the Kizer. Its all the Captins falt. I guess he thought he had an +Aunty Air Kraft battery. That fello comes from Far Rockaway and he lives +in the last house. + +The last mornin we fired the Lieutenant says I was battery agent. It +seemed kind of silly to me to bother about sellin stuff while we was +firin but thats the Lieutenant. He got away before I could ask him what +I was to sell. I bought a lot of pop and crackers and stuff and tried to +sell em to the fellos, while they was firin. The first sargent +wouldnt let me. I told him I was battery agent but not him. That fello +wont have to wear no steel helmut when he gets to France. I ate it all +myself. + +[Illustration: "THE FIRST SARGENT WOULDNT LET ME"] + +If the Lieutenant is goin to keep me as battery agent now were back Im +goin to ask him if I cant rig up a little office. I wouldnt be surprised +if they had me up in Washington pretty soon. Lots of the fellos say they +ought to send me somewhere. Im ritin up to N. Y. where theres a place +where they make sofa pillos with fellos goin over the top on em and gold +rings with your girls name on em free for a dollar twenty ($1.20). + +The last week on the range we lived in pup tents. A pup tent Mable is +like the roof of a dog house without the house. They call em pup tents +cause no one but a very young dog would be fool enough to sleep under +one. There made out of a couple of pieces of stuff like what you make +porus nit underclothes out of. You button em together if theres any +buttons. It dont make much difference as far as keepin the rain out is +concerned. The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it. + +I guess these pup tents we got is an old issue what was wished on us by +the Japaneze army. When an ordinary sized fello lies down in one (and +thats all you can do in em) hes out doors from the nees down. The Major +came round Sunday night. I guess he made a mistake and thought it was +Saturday. Theres a rule that Majors only come round on Saturday cause +they bother the men. The Major says "I guess well blow taps an hour +early tonight cause the men is all in." An I says back right out loud +"There aint anybody goin to get all in these things, you big overgrown +boob," only he happened to be away down the street and didnt hear me. It +didnt make no difference to me though. I said it anyway. High spirited. +Thats me all over, Mable. + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says that these is skotch pup tents. +The skotch he says dont ever wear nothin below the nees. I guess Angus +aint a pure skot though cause I heard him and Joe Loomis arguin this +mornin cause Angus had swiped Joes horse blanket to wrap round his legs. + +It rained for three days before we left. You could have squoze water out +of my pistol, Mable. They say a fello is two thirds water anyway. I bet +I was 99 and ninety nine 100 per cent pure, eh Mable? + +Monday mornin we hiked back to camp. They got us up so early I thought +they was blowin taps. The Lieutenant was awful sore. I guess a drop +of water came through his tent somewhere during the night and lit on +him. He looks at me and says "As you were, Smith." All I says was "Ill +never be again, Lieutenant." + +[Illustration: "THE ONLY THING THEY DO TO THE RAIN IS TO STRAIN IT"] + +They made me a driver the last minit on the hike comin home. I guess +there breakin me in to every place sos they can let the rest of the +battery home on furlo and let me do all the work, from the looks of it. +They showed me two horses hitched to the gun and told me they was mine. +Right away I seen that the right hand horse was all hitched up and there +wasnt nobody there to ride him. So when the sargent says he was all +ready I says "No we aint. I aint goin till the fello what rides this +horse is here. Theres enough favorites being played in the battery now." + +That showed the Lieutenant where I stood. He said the fello what usually +drove the horse was on speshul duty coilin up firin lines. When he put +it that way I agreed to lead the right hand horse in to camp. Angus says +they call the right hand horse the off horse because the fello what +rides him is always off doin somethin else. He aint the only fello whats +off round here though. I can tell you that, Mable. + +Theres a roomor around here that were going to Honey Lulu. Joe Loomis +has sent for his Ukaylaly. Angus says hes orderin a grass cutter to +take with him sos he can make hisself one of those grass suits over +there. I guess the next time I rite it will be from there. + + yours till then + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I guess I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth though up to now I +thought Id swallowed it. I told you Id make you happy some day. Now Im +going to. Im comin home on a furlo. + +I always wished theyd kristened me somethin besides Smith till now. +Theres a fello named Patrick Smith what lives two tents down with a red +nose and hair that hangs down under his hat. His mother rote the Captin +an said she was dyin. She said she didnt expect to live more than +forty-eight (48) hours or however long it took for her son to get home. + +The Captin thought it was me. He called me up an says "Smith your mother +is sinkin rapidly." I couldnt believe that though cause she woudnt never +go near any place where they was water. Then he read me the letter. I +knew right away it was Patrick Smith's mother cause he was figurin last +week on the most likely one to kill off sos he could get home. + +I never let on though. Quick. Thats me all over, Mable. I says "Gee, +thats to bad" like I was all broke up. And then I said "Shes the only +mother I ever had Captin." I said it so sad that I almost got myself +cryin. An the Captin says "Well Smith, you been workin pretty hard an +need a change. Ill give you a ten day furlo to go home to the funeral." +Nice fello the Captin when you get to know him. + +Im comin up Mable just as soon as I can borrow enough close and the +like. It seemed to me when I used to lay out my stuff for inspeckshun +Saturday mornins that I had enough junk to equip the draft army. I just +been lookin over my stuff to find somethin to wear home. It makes a +fello feel half nakid. + +Im going to borrow the money to buy my railroad ticket so you see the +trip aint going to cost me a cent. I bet youll be glad to have someone +round who aint skared to change a quarter once in a while. + +Its kind of hard to get a suitcase. Theres only one in the battery. The +fello what owns it says its made the trip north 25 times. From the looks +of it hes modest. Else the last fello tied it to the end of the train +and let it drag all the way. I guess I can fix it with rope though. + +Then Joe Loomis has a uniform that he paid fifteen dollars ($15) for. It +looks like an officers unless you wear it in the rain. Joes in the guard +house so Im going to take it an not say nothin. I guess Joe'd do the +same for a pal. Besides he aint got no kick comin cause theres a rule +that we cant speak to prisoners. + +Joe got put in the guard house for burnin down the stable tent where +they keep the horses serial. He was sittin in the stable tent while he +was on stable guard catchin a smoke. Stable guard is a kind of night +bell hop and chamber maid to the horses. He heard the Officer of the Day +comin and stuck his cigaret but in an oat bag. Then the whole thing +burnt down. Angus MacKenzie says thats what he gets for hidin his light +under a bushel. Thats a skotch joke though. I guess you wouldnt get it. + +Angus is lendin me a pair of spiral puttys. A spiral putty is a flannel +bandage what you wind round your leg sos nobody cant see that the +buttons is offen your trouser legs. The fello what made em must have had +queer legs cause when you get to the top there aint no place to fasten +them. I guess they were built for fellos that was goin to stand still. +As soon as you move they unwind and drag in the dust till a horse steps +on one of them. Then you do em up again. + +I started savin thrift stamps. I got pretty near two books full. Angus +says its got it all over United Segar cupons. When you get enough you +get some dandy things. I wrote the premium department at Wash. D. C. +for one of their catalogs. I want to get a mandolin as soon as I get +enough. Joe Loomis is savin for a Ukaylaly. I hope it takes more stamps +than he can ever save. + +Were getting some new draft men now. Between you an me there an awful +dum bunch. They dont know the difference between squads right and fall +in. I dont see how fellos can live as long as they have an not know +these simple things. + +A few of them is Jewish fellos from New York. All they think about is +how they can get some post cards of the camp and sell em to the fellos. +A couple of them sold there equipment the minit they was issued it. +Angus says one of them was on guard the other night and a fello came a +long. He stopped him and says "Halt, whose there?" an the fellow says +"Friend." An he says "Advance, friend, an give the discount." Youd +hardly believe that, Mable. But bein a girl I suppose you would, not +knowin nothin about the military. + +So I aint goin to rite you no more cause theres no sense ridin up on the +train with my own letters. I got a lower bunk all hired. Im goin to have +it made up before we leave the station an I aint goin to get up till we +pull into Philopolis. If the fello in the upper bunk aint got sense +enough to stay in bed he can sit on the edge of the bunk and whissle +for all I care. An the lord help the porter if he calls me cause he aint +no first sargent an Id just as soon tell him so. Frank. Thats me all +over, Mable. + +[Illustration: "I JUST FOUND YOUR PICTUR AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BARRACK +BAG"] + +I suppose your father and mother will be tickled to see me. Theyll think +Im comin home to marry you. I guess you know I would if I had time. +Besides I dont believe in gettin married before the war cause like as +not Ill be killed. I dont want you to worry though or nothin like that. +Youd be in a nice mess then though with your fathers liver on your hands +an no visibul means of support. + +I got to stop now an borrow some money to come home on. I think Pat +Smiths got some. Hed be awful sore if he knew I was goin home on his +furlo. + +I just found your pictur at the bottom of my barrack bag. It gave me an +awful shock first. Then I remembered that my hob-nailed shoes had been +sittin on it. I wouldnt care though even if you did look like that. +Sense before beauty. Thats me all over, Mable. + + yours till I see you + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +This is the last time Ill take my pen in hand to rite for some time. I +aint allowed to tell you why. + +This letters got to be awful short cause I aint allowed to say nothin. +Theres so many spize round listenin that I aint even allowed to tell you +that we got our orders an were goin to F----e. Were goin to fight the +G----s. + +I aint even allowed to tell you how were goin except that its by boat. +Even thats awful confidenshul. If the spize heard about it theyd +probably blow up all the boats sos to make sure of gettin the right one. + +Angus says the top sargents got orders to take us right into the front +line trenches. I guess there goin to try an finish this thing up right +away. I guess Ill probably get killed pretty quick. Ill feel a lot +better if I know your not worryin an thinkin of me lyin mortaly wounded +in a shell hole as I probably shall be. + +An so now I cant come home on my furlo, Mable. I knew the Captin had a +string tied to it somewhere. If theres any way of gettin into heaven +that fello will slip through or Im mistaken. Of course I wanted to see +you but on the other hand I saved a lot of money. Just as soon as I get +mortally wounded Im going to rite a book about my sensashuns an then +come back an lecture about it. I guess I wont be gone long. + +Well, Mable, there finally wakin up to themselves. I guess the war wont +last much longer now. Or me either, eh Mable? Some day when one of those +big G----n shells lands on my nap-sack Ill be able to really rite you an +say "Thats me all over, Mable." Please dont worry about me. + + Yours till you here the worst + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I take up my pen to rite you. From the way I feel I dont think Ill be +takin things up much longer. Im on a boat now. They say we are goin to +France but we been goin two days now and I aint seen no land yet. Joe +Loomis thinks that theres German proper gander in it. He says that they +got us out here and there goin to keep us goin round and round till the +wars over. + +It seems kind of silly to rite you cause I cant mail this till I get to +France. It wont be no use then cause by the looks of things now Ill +probably be flirting with a couple of mermaids in Davy Jones Lock Up +long before that. Thats a naughty call joke though, Mable. You wouldnt +understand it. + +As far as I can find out there sending the whole army over on this ship. +Most of them sleeps in the room with me from the noise. They got it +fixed up cozy like an opium den or a morgue. There piled up three high +and the only thing that stops them there is the roof. + +Were on a German boat. I bet it makes them sore Mable to see one of +there own boats bringin over fellos like me. The Germans is peculiar +people. They got sines all over the boat. On some of the doors upstairs +they got Herren painted. Youd never catch an American boat carryin fish +right on the passenger floor. On some of the other doors they got sines +what says Bad. I guess they run out of these before they came to the +place where I sleep. It dont seem reasonable to let fish have a room +with mahogohuny doors and a fello with two legs sleepin where I do. Some +of the rooms has Damen rote on them. Joe Loomis what lives on the canvas +above me says thats the only German he ever agreed with. + +I aint been really sick yet. I aint give up hopes though. Angus +MacKenzie, the skotch fello, got so worried because he felt all right +that he went up to see the doctor this mornin. + +I cant rite much cause the Captin told us the centsor would read our +letters. I dont know who he is. I guess hes a German. Of course hell +read em if we dont seal em. + +I guess well get blown up before we go much further. I dont want you to +worry though. I just menshun it. You got enough on your hands with your +father in bed with his liver again and me not around to cheer you up. + + Yours to the last bubble + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were all balled up. There aint no doubt now that its German Proper +Gander workin. We been runnin three days now and no sign of land yet. I +wouldnt be surprised if we woke up some mornin in Chickawgo or some +other place on the Specific coast. I aint sick yet. I dont seem to need +as much food as I used to, though. + +Im gettin on to this naughty call stuff fast. Quick. Thats me all over, +Mable. Theres a few things about the boat though that I dont know yet. +For instance they got pipes comin out of the deck all over like Sibly +stoves upside down. I thought they was for rubbish. I was just remarkin +to Joe Loomis how neat they was to have such things. We was makin a +point of pickin up everything we saw and firin it down them. Then one of +the ships officers came along and you'd ought to have herd him. Youd +have thought we was tryin to blow up the old tug, instead of keepin it +clean for him. He said the funnels was for carryin fresh air to the mens +quarters. I says I guessed the one that carried air down to our +quarters got clogged before we started. + +[ILLUSTRATION: "I DONT SEEM TO NEED AS MUCH FOOD AS I USED TO"] + +They close all the windows every night. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch +fello, says that sos the Germans wont fire torpetoes through the windows +and land on our beds. Thats a jokin way he has of speakin of the pieces +of canvas we sleep on. + +Were havin a race with another boat. Its awful close. We been racin now +ever since we started and neither of us has gained yet. I here the +engineers has a bet of five dollars on who gets in first. I dont know +who can be on the other boat cause we got the whole army on ours. + +Well, Mable, I got to quit now cause were liable to be sub-marined and +blown to pieces any minit. I want to get this off before we sink. + +Dont worry about me. + + Yours till I touch bottom + _Bill_. + + + MARCONIGRAM + + WORLD WIDE WIRELESS + + CONTINENT TO CONTINENT + SHORE TO SHIP + SHIP TO SHIP + + MARCONI TELEGRAPH--CABLE CO INC. + IN CONNECTION WITH + MARCONI WIRELESS TELEGRAPH COMPANY + OF AMERICA + + Received at Philopolis + + Dere Mable + + Not feelin well today so am sendin + this instead of ritin. Aint seasick. Just + somethin the matter with my stummick. Angus + MacKenzie, skotch fello says thats me all + over, Mable. I says its all over with me. + Bright and funny to the last. Eh, Mable. + Guess we'll all be sunk soon now. Itll be + a change to have something goin down. I + cant say any more cause this is costin me + 1 dollar ($1) a word. Wouldnt have said + this much but I borrowed the money from Joe + Loomis. Hed have spent it for somethin + foolish anyhow. + + Yours through all ups and downs + Bill + + +_Dere Mable_: + +No land yet. If wed been goin in a straight line wed have passed N. Y. +twice by this time, I suppose theyll keep us goin round in circles like +this till the wars over. Joe Loomis says its three thousand (3000) miles +across. Thats silly though. It aint as far as that from N. Y. to +Chickawgo. + +My room is way down stairs in the sub cellar. All there is between me +and the bottom of the sea is the floor. If theyd stuck me down any +further it wouldnt have been such a long drop at that. Each fello has a +little blue padded straight jacket to wear while hes sinkin. There awful +heavy. I guess there to keep us warm while were drownin. Joe Loomis says +there to pull us down quick sos we dont suffer. The Captin says today +that when we sink all men gets into rowboats and the officers hang on to +rafts. Theres somethin wrong somewhere. I been lookin over the rowboats +to see whats the matter with them. + +They got a lot of skotch fellos on board. I dont know where they came +from. Joe Loomis says they aint pure cause they dont wear ribbons on +their bonnets and do wear pants. But he aint got no call to talk about +pure skots. + +We all got issued tin hats before we left. I guess theyll give us sheet +iron underclose next. It takes a long time to wear a tin hat without +hurtin yourself. If you move quick it slides down over your eyes and +bursts you in the nose. Thats why they charge in a walk I guess. They +got muskito nettin inside sos it wont hurt your head. If you take that +out it makes a good wash basin or a mess kit. Joe Loomis and Angus got +arguin yesterday, Joe claimin that they was no good and Angus claimin +that you couldnt hurt a guy what had one on. Angus got so sore he bet a +quarter. To decide it Joe put on his hat and let Angus hit him on the +bean with a piece of lead pipe. Joe always was lucky. He won the quarter +and now hes livin on A deck where the hospital is. An the Dr. says he +aint got a chance of dyin which is more than most of us can say. I guess +theyll sink us today. I got to quit now. + + Yours till the third time down, + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were in the same place we was yesterday. Id know it now with my eyes +shut. It looks like we was movin but Joe Loomis says thats just the +water goin past the boats. A fello told me we was in the Gulf stream. If +we are its some creek cause you cant see no banks. + +We been on four days now. Im beginnin to feel like the Ainshunt Mourner. +We lie round on the floor of one of the lower piazzas all day and read +books from the library. Most of them is about the lives of fellos whats +dead. That aint right for a bunch what expects to be with em any minit. + +Once a day we go up on one of the upper piazzas to exercise. A fello +might as well try to swing indiun clubs on the five o'clock subway. The +only exercise you can do without knockin off the head of the fello next +to you is eyes right and eyes left. + +The Captin is always talkin about goin below. Seein how we all may any +minit, it aint no time for jokin about it. He says to me yesterday +"Smith, fix me up a list of spaces for all my men down below." Aint +that the Captin all over, Mable? He wont be satisfied till he has em all +tagged and numbered and doing squads east and west in Davy Jones Lock +Up. + +Joe Loomis has his girls pictur pasted on the back of his tin lookin +glass. He lies on his bunk all day gapin at it. Some fellos make awful +asses of themselves about there girls. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch +fello, had the mirror shavin the other day. It swung round while he +wasnt lookin and when he looked in it again he got an awful start. + +They havnt sunk us yet. I guess there just foolin with us. Perhaps it +will happen today. Dont worry though. + + Yours till you here otherwise + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "JOE LOOMIS"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I feel the same way the Knights of Columbus must have felt when they was +discoverin North America. Just sailin round in circles and wishin they +had never left N. Y. Were goin through an awful bumpy part of the ocean +now. Joe Loomis says theres a lot of traffic through here and these big +boats cuts it all up. Thats how ignorant that fello is, Mable. Its +gettin colder all the time to. I wouldnt be surprised if we had got +turned north by mistake and would land up in Labordoor or somethin. + +One of the boat officers is called the Executioner Officer. Every day +most he comes round and says its half an hour earlier than it is. Thats +the way those fellos use there awthority. Nobody dasnt contradict them. +I guess thats the way these boats make records so often, Mable. When +they see they aint goin to make a record they just shove the clock back. +Id go over in nothin if I was the Captin and get it over with quick. I +wish I could have made contracks like that when I was home. If a fello +came to me and says "Your contrack is up today" Id just look at him and +say "You must be mistaken. This is yesterday." Joe Loomis has it figured +out that if we keep on losing time well get there last winter. + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says theres no danger in that though, +cause if they ever find themselves workin back towards last pay day +theyll go ahead for a while. + +Angus says that every time they set us back half an hour the government +skins every man out of pretty near a nickul. It aint the money, Mable. A +nickul never meant nothin to me one way or the other as you ought to +know better than any one. Isnt it a cheap way to Whoverize though? + +Joe says that if it keeps on bein as cold as this he aint goin to get +off when they sink us. He says he rather stay down in the bedrooms and +be drowned than get all wet with that ice water and then have a cold for +the rest of the war. + +Well, Mable, I got to quit now. A fighter needs a lot of sleep. + + Yours till the war ends + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin round somethin awful all +mornin. Theres always some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said +nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, is watchin. When we +catch him you bet well give him whats what. + +While we was snoopin round we just discovered somethin awful. All the +life rafts what the officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The +water would come right through. As soon as we find the fello whats +rockin the boat were goin to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell +make us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. A fello told me they +threw these rafts over the side when the ship was sinkin. As far as I +can see if a fello is lucky enough to get off the old tub they fling one +of these on his bean. Im going to wear my tin hat you bet. + +They got a bunch of ropes hangin with knots on them along the sides from +the top floor down to the water. A fello told me they was to climb down +when all the rowboats was gone. Some fellos is in an awful hurry to get +drowned. If there bound to crown me with a seaweed wreath Im goin to +keep em waitin as long as I can. The fello what hung em must have had +arms like a munkey cause there hangin about six feet from the side. + +These Germans must have been awful tanks, Mable. They got one whole +floor they call saloon deck. Of course the saloons is gone now. When +they made the ship over they had to get rid of all the luxuries to make +room. They got the bars out of the saloons and the officers eat there. + +A fello came down stairs the other night and told us about the war. He +said we was all comin over to fight to make the world safe for the +Democrats. If thats the case Mable your father must be an ailin enemy. + +Well, Mable, they tell us that if we aint sunk pretty soon were goin to +get there. I guess then I wont be able to rite you for a few days cause +itll take me a little while to get settled in the trenches and get my +dug out fixed up nice. I hope they give us a part of the line near the +station cause I dont like those troop trains. + + Yours till I write again + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I thought the fishes would be buildin nests in my ears long before I +rote this. What do you suppose has happened? I wont ever be able to look +you in the face again. Were right near land and aint so much as seen a +Perryskope. An here I been runnin round in my Drowning Jacket for seven +days like a fello wearin his shroud down to his office a week before he +dies. I hope you aint bragged too much about it or theyll have the laugh +on you. I feel kind of cheap but you really cant blame me. I took these +other fellos word for it. + +I aint the only goat thats been wearin my Drowning Jacket round though. +They all had to and most of them slept in them. The tailor what designed +these must have been a boiler maker once. If there vests there too short +an if there coats where is the sleeves? They got a hump runnin down the +backbone. I know now how a horse feels when he tries to roll over. +Besides the Jackets, they made us carry round a tin bottle of water on a +string all the time. I suppose if there was not enough water to drown +us all we could empty out these. + +Were just a few miles off shore, but I cant tell you just where. This is +partly because I dont know. Joe Loomis says were comin into London, but +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says it aint London. He thinks its +Paris. I dont think so though cause if it was youd see the Ethel Tower. + +You want to be careful when you address letters to me. If you address me +too plain there liable to get to me and you cant tell who might be +lookin. About all you can say on the address as far as I can find out is +Bill Smith, A. E. F., which means Am Expecting Flowers. + +I got to quit now cause were gettin near shore and the Sanitary Officer +ast me to help him sweep out the boat when the other fellos is gone. Of +course I said I would. Obligin. Thats me all over, Mable. As soon as I +get ashore Im going to buy one of them John Brown belts you here so much +about. I dont know when Ill be able to write to you again cause I +understand theres a battle on now so I guess Ill be pretty busy for some +time to come. + + Yours till I rite again, + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "THE TAILOR MUST HAVE BEEN A BOILER MAKER ONCE"] + + +MABLE TO BILL + +_Dearest William_: + +Your letter received and contents noted. Through Spiritual Channels you +have been with me ever since the momentous day we parted, and all I can +say is, "May God in His infinite mercy watch over and take care of you, +until you have been delivered safely into my arms." + + Ever Thine, + _Mable_. + +P.S.--_Bill_: + +Am going round with a new swell John and he writ this fer me. Itll make +the fellos think Im a swell dame when you show it to them. Tear off this +p. s. part. What's the matter, are you broke? You dont put no more +stamps on your letters. Rite again. + + Yours as long as you stay away, + _Mable_. + + +DERE MABLE + +LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE By Lieut. EDWARD STREETER + +The best selling book of 1918, 550,000 in 8 months. For genuine humor +nothing written in recent years surpasses these letters from a "simple +soldier" to his best girl. Read them--and live with the rookie through +all his perplexities, through all his amusements, through all his work, +live with him and laugh with him--and at him! + +With 35 illustrations by Corp. "BILL" BRECK Boards, 12mo, net 75c + + +_The Navy "Dere Mable"_ BILTMORE OSWALD The Diary of a Hapless Recruit +By J. THORNE SMITH, Jr., C.B.M., U.S.N.R.F. + +This book does for the Navy fledgling what DERE MABLE does for the +rookie of the Army. It is the veracious record of the haps and mishaps +of a verdant land-lubber plunged into a whirl of unfamiliar duties at +Pelham Bay, as told by a recruit who has been through the mill. His +experience are one long riot of laughter--no one with a son or a brother +or a sweetheart in the Service will want to miss it and no one who is a +recruit himself can afford to miss it. + +With 31 illustrations by Dick Dorgan, U.S.N.R.F. Boards, 12mo, uniform +with DERE MABLE, net 75c. + + Publishers FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY New York + + +READ AND LAUGH! + +_Dere Mable_ + +LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE By E. STREETER + + +_Written and illustrated by two men of the 27th Division while at Camp +Wadsworth_ + +15TH PRINTING, COMPLETING 550,000 + + +One Long Riot of Laughter + +Biltmore Oswald + +_The_ DIARY OF A HAPLESS RECRUIT _by_ J THORN SMITH U.S.N.R.F. + + +Written and illustrated by two men of the U. S. Naval Reserve Force at +the Pelham Bay Training Station. + + +[Illustration: "'Do you enlist for foreign service?' he snapped. 'Sure,' +I replied, 'it will all be foreign to me.'" + +(_Illustration from "Biltmore Oswald."_)] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE"*** + + +******* This file should be named 37561.txt or 37561.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/7/5/6/37561 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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