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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/37561-h.zip b/37561-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6181f6b --- /dev/null +++ b/37561-h.zip diff --git a/37561-h/37561-h.htm b/37561-h/37561-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f6f0081 --- /dev/null +++ b/37561-h/37561-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3022 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/html4/strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of "That's me all over, Mable", by Edward Streeter</title> + <style type="text/css"> + + body { + margin-left:10%; + margin-right:10%; + } + + #booktitle { + letter-spacing:3px; + } + + .centered { + text-align:center; + font-weight:bold; + } + + div.centered { + text-align:center; + } + + div.centered table { + margin-left:auto; + margin-right:auto; + text-align:left; + } + + .figcenter { + padding:1em; + text-align:center; + font-size:0.8em; + border:none; + margin:auto; + text-indent:1em; + } + + .h1 { + font-size:2em; + margin:.67em 0; + } + + .h1, + .h2, + .h3, + .h4, + .h5 { + font-weight:bolder; + text-align:center; + text-indent:0; + } + + h1, + h2, + h3, + h4, + h5, + hr { + text-align:center; + } + + .h2 { + font-size:1.5em; + margin:.75em 0; + } + + .h3 { + font-size:1.17em; + margin:.83em 0; + } + + .h4 { + margin:1.12em 0 ; + } + + .h5 { + font-size:.83em; + margin:1.5em 0 ; + } + + h5 { + margin-bottom:1%; + margin-top:1%; + } + + hr.chapter { + margin-top:6em; + margin-bottom:4em; + } + + hr.thin { + margin-right:47%; + margin-left:47%; + margin-top:0%; + margin-bottom:0%; + width:6%; + } + + p { + text-align:justify; + margin-top:.75em; + margin-bottom:.75em; + text-indent:0; + } + + p.author { + text-align:right; + margin-right:10%; + } + + p.caption { + text-indent:0; + text-align:center; + font-weight:bold; + margin-bottom:2em; + } + + p.spacer { + margin-top:2em; + margin-bottom:3em; + } + + .pagenum { +/* visibility:hidden; remove comment out to hide page numbers */ + position:absolute; + right:2%; + font-size:75%; + color:gray; + background-color:inherit; + text-align:right; + text-indent:0; + font-style:normal; + font-weight:normal; + font-variant:normal; + } + + .smcap { + font-variant:small-caps; + } + + .tdl { + text-align:left; + } + + .tdr { + text-align:right; + padding-right:1em; + } + + .tdrfirst { + text-align:right; + padding-right:1em; + font-size:80%; + } + + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 3em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + height: 4px; + border-width: 4px 0 0 0; /* remove all borders except the top one */ + border-style: solid; + border-color: #000000; + clear: both; } + pre {font-size: 85%;} + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, "That's me all over, Mable", by Edward +Streeter, Illustrated by G. William Breck</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: "That's me all over, Mable"</p> +<p>Author: Edward Streeter</p> +<p>Release Date: September 29, 2011 [eBook #37561]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE"***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland, Matthew Wheaton,<br> + and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full"> +<p> </p> + +<div> + +<br> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="400" height="609" alt="" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="frontispiece" id="frontispiece"></a> +<img src="images/i00.jpg" width="400" height="665" alt="frontispiece" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">BILL</p> + +<h1 id="booktitle">"Thats me all over, Mable"</h1> + +<p class="h3">BY</p> + +<p class="h2">LIEUT. EDWARD STREETER</p> + +<p class="h4"><span class="smcap">27TH</span> (N.Y.) DIVISION<br> +<i>Author of "Dere Mable"</i><br> +<br> +<i>WITH 25 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE BY</i></p> + +<p class="h2">CORP. G. WILLIAM BRECK</p> + +<p class="h4">("<i>Bill Breck</i>")<br> +<span class="smcap">27TH</span> (N.Y.) DIVISION</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100px;"> +<img src="images/i01.jpg" width="100" height="126" alt="" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="h4">NEW YORK<br> +FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY<br> +PUBLISHERS</p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h5"><i>Copyright, 1919, by</i><br> +<span class="smcap">Frederick A. Stokes Company</span></p> + +<hr class="thin"> + +<p class="h5"><i>All Rights Reserved</i></p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<p class="h3">LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</p> + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">Bill</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#frontispiece"><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl"> </td> + <td class="tdrfirst">FACING PAGE</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"We can fire all we want without hittin nothin"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i02">2</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"I sit on a hill all day"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i04">4</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"A bunch lyin under the trees"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i06">6</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"My, what an awful bore"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i08">8</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"The fello with the long hair"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i10">10</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"He thinks there so sad that he almost cries"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i12">12</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"They get awful fat, of course"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i16">16</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"They come and get our dirty wash"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i18">18</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"It aint as dangerous as I thought"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i20">20</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"Angus likes it cause he can sit down in it"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i22">22</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"If the top sargent dont remember"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i24">24</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"She always carries a kid under her arm"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i26">26</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"I dont eat nothin outside of meal hours exceptin a few pies"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i30">30</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"I couldnt see a thing except the side of the hill"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i32">32</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"He outran the other fello"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i34">34</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"I sat next to a lady what didnt seem to have much on but a lot of jewels"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i36">36</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"The minister has two daughters—both girls"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i38">38</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"They gave us coffee in egg cups"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i40">40</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"The first sargent wouldnt let me"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i42">42</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i44">44</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"I just found your pictur at the bottom of my barrack bag"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i50">50</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"I dont seem to need as much food as I used to"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i56">56</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"Joe Loomis"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i62">62</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdl">"The tailor must have been a boiler maker once"</td> + <td class="tdr"><a href="#i68">68</a></td> + </tr> +</table></div> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[1]</span></p> + +<h2>"<i>Thats Me All Over, Mable</i>"</h2> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I take my pen in hand to tell you what do you +think I done now? I left the infantry an gone +back into the artillery. The Captin hated to let +me go. He said the Artillery Colonel was a +friend of his. I guess thats why he finally said +all right. It wasnt that I was scared of the infantry. +I guess you know that I aint scared of +anything that walks on two legs except the measles. +The artillerys really more dangerous than +the infantry cause you stand in one place so they +can get a good line on you while in the infantry +your running round all the time.</p> + +<p>Seein the Captin was so jealous of me I thought +a fello with brains would have more chance over +here. I tried to transfer as an officer but the +Captin said I better go over as a private and as +soon as they saw what kind of a fello I was theyd +fix me all right. He seemed to wake up a little<span class="pagenum">[2]</span> +when he saw I was goin. Im going to put in my +applicashun for an officer as soon as I get a +chance.</p> + +<p>I didnt go back to the same battery I was in +before cause youll remember that the Captin and +I didnt get along very well. Couldnt seem to +agree on nothin. I thought it would be pleasanter +for me an him to if I went to another battery.</p> + +<p>It almost seemed like they was waitin for me +cause the day after I came over they hitched up +the horses and drove the cannons out to the range. +Its kind of hard to explain to a girl like you what +a range is. The only way I can explain it is that +it aint nothin like a range. There aint nothin +here but mountins and we can fire all we want +without hittin nothin but the mountins and once +in a while maybe one of the mountin ears. But +they say there so tough they dont mind it a bit. +Thats a funny thing about artillery, Mable. The +object seems to be not to hit nothin. The day +we got out here I heard the Captin say "Well Im +glad were way out in a place like this where we +don't run no danger of hittin nothin." All I said +was "I like to see a fello careful Captin, but if +thats all your worryin about you needent have +taken so much trouble." The longer I know +Captins the less I understand them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i02" id="i02"></a> +<img src="images/i02.jpg" width="400" height="662" alt=""WE CAN FIRE ALL WE WANT WITHOUT HITTIN NOTHIN"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"WE CAN FIRE ALL WE WANT WITHOUT HITTIN NOTHIN"</p> + +<span class="pagenum">[3]</span> + +<p>This is the rainy season. The south is a wonderful +country for wether cause everything is +divided off so well. There is three seasons. The +cold season, the hot season and the rainy season. +Thats what makes the place so good. It would +be awful tiresome if you was always freezin to +death, or always soaked or always bakein. Now +you get four months of each. It makes a change +for a fello.</p> + +<p>Theyve put me on the speshul detail. The +speshul detail, Mable, is a bunch of fellos what +knows more than any one else in the camp. I +sit on a hill all day with a little telephone in a +lunch box and take messages. They got an awful +system of sending messages in the artillery. Ill +be sittin there thinkin of you an waitin for lunch +and somebody says "Hello" an I says "Hello" +just like a regular fone. And then they say +"Heres a message from mmmmmmmm." Its +always the same fello. I dont know who he is. +And then they say "Tell Captin mmmmmmmm +to mmmmmmmmm at once. Please repeat." +And then I repeat and whoever it is says "No, +No" and you dont here any more. I guess its +some kind of a code they have. I dont believe +the Captin is on to it cause you ought to have +heard what he said the other day. I guess he<span class="pagenum">[4]</span> +was talkin about the fello on the other end. I +never heard your father do better.</p> + +<p>Its awful dangerous work cause where I sit +aint more than half a mile from the shells. If +they ever put a curve on one of them its good +night Willie. I aint scared of course. I just +menshuned it sos you wouldnt worry. Ill tell +you more about the telefone the next time. I +may know more about it myself then.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till they curve one<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i04" id="i04"></a> +<img src="images/i04.jpg" width="400" height="674" alt=""I SIT ON A HILL ALL DAY"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"I SIT ON A HILL ALL DAY"</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[5]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>Were still up at the artillery range shootin. I +dont know what at. Im beginnin to think nobody +else does ether. Our guns is pointed right at +some woods. Weve been shootin at those +woods now for a week and havnt hit them +yet. We always seem to go over them. Theres +a fello stands behind the guns and yells things all +day like it was a poker game. "Up five, up ten." +The whole thing seems like an awful waste of +time to me. Im goin to suggest that we tie a +couple of horses to a tree and shoot at them. +The fellos would take more interest in there work +if there was some reward. It wouldnt bother the +horses much if we cant hit the woods I guess, eh +Mable? They can use my horse. If Im willin +to take a chance he ought to be.</p> + +<p>A fello told me the other day that these torpetoes +what we shoot cost as high as twenty dollars +apiece. I dont believe that though or theyd be +a law against it. I guess he was talking about the +guns. Im going to take a couple of torpetoes +back to camp and see how much the audience department<span class="pagenum">[6]</span> +will give me for them. Thrifty. +Thats me all over, Mable.</p> + +<p>The mountin ears come over and watch us. I +guess the moonshining business must be lax this +time of year. A moonshiner makes whisky out +of corn. Angus MacKenzie tried to make some +by soaking a couple of ears in a bucket for almost +a week. It didn't taste like much though an +made us kind of sick. I guess you have to have +a still like these fellos have. They call it a still, +Mable, cause they have to use it on the quiet.</p> + +<p>The mountin ears are awful fierce with big +adams apples and round hair cuts when they have +any. They have family foods. I guess they got +the idea from the movies, Mable. For instance +the Turners live on the one side of the mountin +and the Howards on the other. That makes +them sore so they shoot each other. Accordin to +the stories they only shoot each other when they +are goin to church. From the looks of them I +guess they made that rule to save amunishun.</p> + +<p>Angus an I went out last Sunday looking for +a still. We thought we had one once and +watched it most all day but it turned out to be +just a little shack where they sell fig newtons +and lemon pop to the fellos. You cant fool +Angus.</p> + +<p>The more I see of the army, Mable, the more I +<span class="pagenum">[7]</span>think its an awful bluff. I heard a lot of talk +when I first came up about a gun park. I thought +it would be a nice place to go Sundays and have +some fun. I asked the Captin if there was a lake +where a fello could get a canoo and have a little +paddle. He said no but they had a fine collecshun +of animals. I didnt see nothin of no park when +we came up. I spent a whole Sunday afternoon +lookin for it. One day I asked the sargent where +it was while we were unhitchin. He said we were +in it then. It isnt nothin but a big field without +a blade of grass or a tree and just the guns in +the middle. I told him if he thought this was a +park he ought to see Weewillo Park home. I +guess you ought to know, Mable, I paid your way +in often enough.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i06" id="i06"></a> +<img src="images/i06.jpg" width="400" height="664" alt=""A BUNCH LYIN UNDER THE TREES"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"A BUNCH LYIN UNDER THE TREES"</p> + +<p>Its like those picturs you see stuck around Main +Street about men wanted for the army. Theres +always one fello playin tunes on a bugle, an a +couple of fellos playin Old Maid on a table. An +off in the corner theres always a bunch lyin under +the trees like the High School tennis team having +there pictur taken. Now that isnt the kind of +thing we do at all, Mable. If the top sargent +ever found us like that hed swallo his whissle.</p> + +<p>I had a run in with the Captin last week, Mable. +I cant seem to get along with Captins. High +strung. Thats me all over. Every week we<span class="pagenum">[8]</span> +have an inspecshun and I have to clean the whole +gun myself. They send the whole bunch down +but I guess its just to hand me things. Like +nurses in an operation. It aint much fun I tell +you. When the Major came around next day he +opened the little door in the back of the gun and +I guess he saw how many parts there was to keep +clean cause he says "My, what an awful bore." +The Major is all right, Mable. He likes a fello +to have a little fun once in a while. I guess he +aint never been a Captin. I says "Yes, Major, +it certainly is, an nobody knows it better than me +cause I cleaned the whole thing myself." He +says "Well if you dont do somethin about it next +week then you wont have nobody to blame but +yourself."</p> + +<p>I took the hint right off and when it came time +to clean guns for the next inspecshun I got a horse +and rode over to town and took a bath. I told +the Captin afterwards what the Major had told +me but I dont think he would care if General +Perishing had asked me home to dinner. Its +what <i>he</i> wants. To tell the truth I think he was +sore cause I got a bath an he didnt.</p> + +<p>Thats a funny thing about the army. If +theres a speck of dirt on the old guns or the horses +everyone gets an awful ballin out. But if a fello +<span class="pagenum">[9]</span>takes a little time to wash hisself youd think he +done a crime.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i08" id="i08"></a> +<img src="images/i08.jpg" width="400" height="677" alt=""MY, WHAT AN AWFUL BORE"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"MY. WHAT AN AWFUL BORE"</p> + +<p>Well I got to quit now. Im goin on what +Angus MacKenzie calls a still hunt. Thats a +skotch joke.</p> + +<p>I think when the wars over Ill marry you an be +a mountin ear. They dont seem to have nothin +to do but stand round with there hands in there +pockets and watch us work. Thats a nice life.</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours till then<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[10]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>Spring is come. The buds is stickin out on the +trees. Pieces of tacksicabs is stickin up through +the mud on the roads. Yesterday I caught a fly. +It makes a fello feel romantic somehow or other. +Some of em shines there shoes and rites home +oftener. Some has even had there picturs taken. +Max Glucos was so sure spring was here that he +got usin the Sibly stove for a laundry bag. Then +we had a cold night and Angus MacKenzie +thought it was kindling. Max an Angus aint +speakin now. Not that that matters much though +cause they never said much when they did talk.</p> + +<p>It kind of makes me restless Mable when I +think of you and Main St. and the fello with the +long hair in Billings and Stover what used to make +us up Sundays. An I get lonesome for Maple st. +with you an me sittin at one end of the piazza +pretendin we was listenin to your father readin +the newspaper out loud. If I ever get old, +Mable, dont let me read the newspaper out loud. +An do you remember how still wed have to sit +sos the hammok wouldnt squak after eleven +o'clock or your fatherd stick his head out the door +<span class="pagenum">[11]</span>an say that if I didn't have a home you did? An +how wed go canooing at Weewillo park Saturday +nights and stay out till the fello that hired the +boats out went to sleep. I was always a good +spender. You know that, but thrifty. Thats me +all over, Mable.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i10" id="i10"></a> +<img src="images/i10.jpg" width="400" height="663" alt=""THE FELLO WITH THE LONG HAIR"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THE FELLO WITH THE LONG HAIR"</p> + +<p>I was comin back to camp the other night and +a guard stopped me and says "Who goes there?" +an I says without thinkin "Me an Mable every +Saturday night." Thats the way I am now.</p> + +<p>Max Glucos says poetry. Spring hits him that +way. Some gets hay fever, some rash and others +poetry. He says one thing that starts "In the +spring a young mans fancy vests and socks come +into view." He says a fello named Burns wrote +it. Angus says Burns was a hot skotch. But +I guess you wouldnt understand that.</p> + +<p>Were going to have a divishun show. Of +course every body in the divishun isnt goin to be +in it. A lot of them has to be detailed to watch +it. They asked me what I could do and I said +most anything but Id like to say a piece called +Gungadien. Its a piece I came across in a book +by a fello I never heard of so I didnt think any +of the fellos would know it. They told me to +report at the mess shack an theyd fix me up. +When I went they told me I was electrician cause +anybody could recite pieces but they had to have<span class="pagenum">[12]</span> +a fello with a bean on him to be electrician. +They told me they was goin to hold me for an +emergency. If the show went rotton an everybody +got throwin things then theyd send me out.</p> + +<p>Fellos is funny, Mable. Most of em when you +ask em say they cant do nothin. Then if they +think they aint goin to be urged they say there +rotton but theyll have a try at it. Then when +they get down rehersin they get so pleased with +themselves they dont want to quit an give nobody +else a chance. Its part of the electricians job to +get them away when they get through. One fello +plays a ukaylaly and sings Howareyoun songs. +He thinks there so sad that he almost cries every +time. We think so too but it makes us mad +instead.</p> + +<p>Thank your mother for the spring tonic she +sent me. Its funny that a bottle of medicine was +the first thing that ever came through the post +office without bein in pieces. I cant say much for +the taste. I guess thats why it got by the post +office so well. Your mother rote me to take it +regular cause it put iron in my blood. Angus +says we got enough stuff to lug around now without +ballisting our insides with iron. After he +tasted it he said that if he had to have iron in +his blood hed rather swallo a couple of nails and +<span class="pagenum">[13]</span>let them dissolve inside him than take them predigested.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i12" id="i12"></a> +<img src="images/i12.jpg" width="400" height="660" alt=""HE THINKS THERE SO SAD THAT HE ALMOST CRIES"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"HE THINKS THERE SO SAD THAT HE ALMOST CRIES"</p> + +<p>Dont send me no more nitted things, Mable. +Its gettin hotter every day. Next winter well be +in France. Its nice and warm there all the time. +Besides Paris is a pretty fair sized town. I can +run in any time and get what ever I want. Give +my regards to your father. I hope his liver is +workin again. I dont suppose he is by any +chance.</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours regardless<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[14]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I got arrested for a week up at the artillery +range. That aint a disgrace like bein arrested in +the city though. Down here some of the nicest +fellos does it. There aint no jale. I just live in +a different tent. I guess they couldnt think of +any place worse to live in than a tent. Im in +with a good crowd. It makes a nice change from +drillin. I got arrested for my watch bein slow. +That shows how strict they are in the army.</p> + +<p>While we was firin at the range the other day I +was sittin on a hill with the fone takin messages +from another hill. I was thinkin of you an gettin +kind of dopy when some one says over the fone +"This is the General." I says "How do you do +sir." Curteus. Thats me all over, Mable. I +guess he didnt here me though. He says +"Were going to syncopate our watches." That +was a new one on me Mable. I was goin to tell +him that mine didnt need it. Its the one your +father gave me an its been runnin in ragtime ever +since I got it.</p> + +<p>Then he says "When I say check its ten fifty +five (10.55)." I thought he was exceedin his<span class="pagenum">[15]</span> +authority but I didnt say nothin an when he said +check I just passed it over. He waited a minute +and then he says "When I say check its ten fifty +seven (10.57)." It struck me that I might have +worked that out myself but I didnt say nothin. +Then he says after a minute. "When I say check +its ten fifty nine (10.59)." Then just to save him +trouble I says "I got a watch myself sir. And as +a matter of fact your five minutes fast." I guess +I was slow. But as I say bein in arrest aint no +disgrace like bein in the city.</p> + +<p>Im going to ask the Captin to let me off this +telefone job. Whenever they dont know who to +let out on they let out on the telefone man. What +they want is a mind reader not a fello with brains. +The other day the Captin says "Lay this spool of +wire up that hill." He handed me a thing that +looked like a trolly cable and weighed about as +much. Then he went home to read the paper till +I came back and told him it was done. Thats the +way with Captins. When I got it all done they +go and say to the Major "I laid the wire up the +hill." An the Major says "That was a good job, +Captin. You must be tired. Have a cigar." +But I never say nothin. Thats me all over, +Mable.</p> + +<p>I took the wire like he said and laid it under a +bush on top of the hill sos nobody could swipe it.<span class="pagenum">[16]</span> +When I came down I showed him where it was on +a little pictur I drew him. An to here him talk +youd think hed never asked me to take it up the +hill at all.</p> + +<p>Yesterday we was firin into the middle of a +field where there wasnt a livin thing to hit as far +as I could see. If the Captin had to pay for these +torpetoes I bet hed be more careful of them. He +was awful excited though. He came up an gave +me a lot of numbers to fone to his battery. He +didn't say what to do with them an nothin happened. +That got him sore. It aways does. +Captins thinks you ought to know what to do without +tellin you. He started to take it out on me +bein the nearest. He says "Get somethin off +quick. Hurry up. Get somethin off quick." So +just to humor him I took off my shirt as he hadnt +specified. You cant do nothin right for a man +like that though.</p> + +<p>Im learnin a lot about cannons an there habits. +There like horses. When you first get them there +wild. The Captin told me that every other battery +but his was awfully wild. He has trouble +with his though cause the other day they telefoned +up that theyed just broken one of his guns. I +guess he likes em better wild cause he got awful +sore. But you couldnt do anything right for the +Captin.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i16" id="i16"></a> +<img src="images/i16.jpg" width="400" height="667" alt=""THEY GET AWFUL FAT, OF COURSE"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THEY GET AWFUL FAT, OF COURSE"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[17]</span></p> + +<p>You ought to see the Major, Mable. A major +is a fello that only comes round once a week. +They get awful fat of course. Ours is taller in +bed than he is standin up. I guess he is the kind +of thing they have in mind when they say "not +to be taken into the front line trenches."</p> + +<p>Im goin to send you one of the torpetoes they +shoot out of the guns. There lyin all over the +lot. As far as I can see there just as good as +new. The Captin said not to touch any of em +case they mightent have exploded and was liable +to go off when you handled them. I asked them +where they was goin to but he couldnt see a joke +if you hit him with it. Im not takin no chances +though Mable. I always carry a hammer and I +pound each one of them good before I pick em up.</p> + +<p>Im beginning to think all this stuff about the +mountin ears bein wild is a lot of fake. I been +out with Angus MacKenzie three times huntin +stills an the nearest thing we found to one was +a fello what sold Bevo. An they dont seem to be +very wild. They come round and get our dirty +wash every day or two and the only wild thing +is me when they bring it back. They all seem +to be mixed up on the shavin regulashuns. They +all shave there necks and let there wiskers grow.</p> + +<p>Well, Mable, pretty soon well be coming back +from the range an goin into town again. I been<span class="pagenum">[18]</span> +away so long I bet William S. Hart has grown +a beard. When you rite I wish youd look up +and see when lent is sos I could give up a little +somethin. The way a fello loses track of national +holidays down here is awful.</p> + +<p>Give my regards to your mother and as far as +Im concerned to your father to.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till better times<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i18" id="i18"></a> +<img src="images/i18.jpg" width="400" height="667" alt=""THEY COME AND GET OUR DIRTY WASH"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THEY COME AND GET OUR DIRTY WASH"</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[19]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I aint arrested no more. Im back to work +again. I aint worrying though cause if things +keeps on the way there goin Ill be arrested again +pretty soon. I know now why they call it arrest. +No drill or nothin. All a fello has to do all day +is go around with a pick and shovel and dig.</p> + +<p>Were still firin away at the range but we havnt +hit it yet. If they keep firin amunishun around +much longer they wont have nothin left to fire at +the Germans but the guns. Eh Mable? Thats +the kind of thing Im always sayin in line. Keeps +the fellos from gettin depresed.</p> + +<p>I learned one thing about artillery. It aint as +dangerous as I thought. They fire at what they +call a target but it aint like any target I ever saw. +It aint got circles round it or nothin. Every time +they shoot they make a little dot on a piece of +paper to show where the torpeto hit. The idea +seems to be to hit all around the target but never +to land one on top of it. If I was out there Id +make a bee line for the target and sit tight till +it was all over. Then someone says "The center +of impact hit the target clean as a whissle." And<span class="pagenum">[20]</span> +they all seem awful pleased. From all Ive seen +if the Germans will only land me on the head with +a center of impact I wont feel Ive got any kick +coming.</p> + +<p>I was out with Angus MacKenzie on a still hunt +and an autymobile came along what belonged to a +fello what had two sons in the army. I could tell +cause it had a flag on the front with two stars +on it. It stopped in front of us. The fello +what owned it belonged to the cavalry cause he +had a yello hat cord on. He leaned out and says +"Dont you see that flag?" I says "yes, sir, I was +just simpathizing with em." That kind of went +home I guess cause he got red an says "You report +this thing to your battery commander immedeately." +So when I got home I told him that a +fello what owned a big car had two sons in the +army. I had to call him out from mess to tell +him an he says what the this that and the other +did he care. If you do what your told you get +in trouble and if you dont you do to.</p> + +<p>The Captins gone to Fort Silly now to learn +somethin. I just told Angus MacKenzie I +thought hed get more at Fort Levenworth. But +thats a tecknickle joke, Mable. Of course you +wont get it. I guess the Lieutenant thought he +was in the audience department or somethin cause +right away after the Captin left he came down and +<span class="pagenum">[21]</span>said now he was goin to make a battery out of +us. I told him I knew where there was a good +dry cell just above New York. That fello +wouldnt laff though, Mable, if Joe Miller hisself +told him a joke. All he thinks of is smoothin +out horses.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i20" id="i20"></a> +<img src="images/i20.jpg" width="400" height="670" alt=""IT AINT AS DANGEROUS AS I THOUGHT"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"IT AINT AS DANGEROUS AS I THOUGHT"</p> + +<p>The feelin between me and the horses seems to +grow worse every day, Mable. I think my horse +has got me mixed up with somebody else. I +never did nothin to him except bring him down +some of my breakfast one morning. The sargent +is always tellin me to pick up his feet. I tell +him theres no call for that. He seems to be able +to do it pretty well all by hisself. He has em in +the air most of the time when Im around.</p> + +<p>He kept pesterin me though till the other day +I thought Id show him I could do it. I put his +front foot through the spokes of a wheel and +tied it then grabbed the back one and gave an +awful heave. Its a way Ive worked out for +handlin bad horses. I figured hed have to be +pretty good to stan on one leg and kick me with +the other. But when he found he couldnt kick +me he lay down on top of me. Mean, Ill tell the +world.</p> + +<p>Now the stable sargent says I hurt the horse. +Thats stable sargents all over. If the horse had +bit my head off hed have thought it was an awful<span class="pagenum">[22]</span> +joke. All I say is that Im not as strong as a +horse even if I did win a lot of cups at high school +an if I can stand on to legs a horse can to only +hes to lazy.</p> + +<p>Max Glucos and Angus and me goes over to +see the mountin ear what sells Bevo once in a +while. Were tryin to catch him some day when +hes wild. He aint been wild so far ceptin one +day when we forgot to pay him. Angus says +they only get wild certain times of the year. +Angus wont drink Bevo. He says it looks the +same and tastes the same but it aint got the +same influence with him.</p> + +<p>The mountin ears hate niggers. This one has +been tryin to get us to go on what he calls a coon +hunt ever since we been up here. Were goin +with him this week. They hunt them at night. +I suppose thats so you cant see them so well. He +takes the dogs sos they can smell the coon. I +guess the mountin ears got a cold. The coon +climbs a tree, then you cut the tree down and then +the coon of course has to come down to. I wonder +what they do with them when they get them. +It seems foolish to go to all that trouble when +you can find a dozen of them in every little house +you come to.</p> + +<p>Angus has got a rubber bath tub sent him. He +thinks its great cause you can fold it so small it +<span class="pagenum">[23]</span>goes in your pocket. Who wants to carry a bath +tub in there pockets? I guess its a skotch custom. +Perhaps they take it out while there waiting for +a street car and take a bath. Angus likes it cause +he can sit down in it. When he does it fits him +like it was tailor made. All the rest of the bath +slides off him onto the floor or into my shoes.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i22" id="i22"></a> +<img src="images/i22.jpg" width="400" height="672" alt=""ANGUS LIKES IT CAUSE HE CAN SIT DOWN IN IT"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"ANGUS LIKES IT CAUSE HE CAN SIT DOWN IN IT"</p> + +<p>Well Mable I got to quit now and help out one +of the sargents what has a job cleanin some harness. +Hes a nice fello and he asked me to come +down about two hours ago. I guess Ill go down +now and see if there through. Willin. Thats +me all over.</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours patrioticaly<br> +<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[24]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>Its so foggy that we cant fire at the range. I +dont see what difference that makes though. I +havnt seen nothin since we started but a bunch of +trees in front of the guns. Im goin to rite you +a letter if the top sargent dont remember that +he aint put me on no detail. We leave the guns +out all night. Just sos well have somethin more +to guard I guess. Were supposed to take turns +guarding. As far as I can make out that means +me and the rest of the battery altercate every +other night. I suppose they think some of the +mountin ears is goin to take one of the guns and +go drivin with it. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch +fello, says they have to guard em sos they wont +go off. That sounds kind of silly to me though, +Mable.</p> + +<p>I been raisin a mustash. That is I was till +yesterday when I cut it off while I was shavin and +thinkin of you. I was sorry cause it was comin +good. You could see it as plain as day with the +naked eye. (Thats just an expreshun, Mable.) +In a couple of places I could catch hold of it. +They say nothin grows very good down here, +<span class="pagenum">[25]</span>though, but cotton. I guess I'll wait until I get to +France.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i24" id="i24"></a> +<img src="images/i24.jpg" width="400" height="670" alt=""IF THE TOP SARGENT DONT REMEMBER"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"IF THE TOP SARGENT DONT REMEMBER"</p> + +<p>The Lieutenant told us today that when we +got over there wed all have to read meters. I +cant see what thats got to do with artillery. That +used to be Max Glucoses business though. Hes +teaching me how. He thinks maybe if we study +theyll make us meter spechulists. Spechulists +dont have to get up so early. Angus says he +thinks they put meters on the gas shells. That +shows how systumatic they are.</p> + +<p>And they say there goin to give us Infield rifles. +I think they got it mixed up with base ball. It +seems as though when you join the artillery you +join everything else at the same time. I suppose +the next thing theyll do is learn us a little navigashun.</p> + +<p>Ive started savin again Mable for the little +white house with the green blinds. Last month +I saved a dollar eighty six ($1.86). That with +five dollars ($5) I borrowed from Joe Loomis +makes almost seven ($7) dollars. I aint the kind +of a fello thats always bothering his girl with +money matters. I believe in keepin business out of +the home. Close. Thats me all over, Mable. +But in the bigger things I think you ought to know +how we stand.</p> + +<p>We may have to go at the house kind of<span class="pagenum">[26]</span> +gradual. Buy the blinds first say. But theys one +thing about it. Ive been ruffing it so long in the +army that there aint no kind of hardship thatll +bother me.</p> + +<p>The mountin ears has funny customs, Mable, +and yello dogs without any stummucks. Angus +an I was out ridin last Sunday lookin for a still an +got cold. We stopped at a cabin an a fello came +out with a round hair cut an says "Howdy boys, +wont ye light an strip?" Angus says that he +didnt have no figger for that but wed come in an +get warm. Eh Mable?</p> + +<p>Once in a while when we cant eat what the +cook gives us which is most of the time we go +down the road to a mountin ears wife what makes +pan cakes. She always carries a kid under her +arm like an over coat. It looks as if the kids +head was on the stove most of the time. Angus +says she greases the griddle with it. I dont know +about that, but the mountin ears is awful tough +people.</p> + +<p>Me an some of the other fellos went to a +mountin ears party in a little town near here the +other night. There was a lot of girls there with +funny noses. When they saw us they all ran in +a corner and laffed at us. That made me kind +of sore cause we hadnt invited ourselves but been +ast. The lady that ast us said the girls had there +<span class="pagenum">[27]</span>old close on and was ready for anything. We +played old maid till half past nine. Then the +lady what ast us brought in a bowl of apples and +our hats. She said the girls was all nice and they +couldnt galyvant round all night and get talked +about.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i26" id="i26"></a> +<img src="images/i26.jpg" width="400" height="670" alt=""SHE ALWAYS CARRIES A KID UNDER HER ARM"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"SHE ALWAYS CARRIES A KID UNDER HER ARM"</p> + +<p>The Lieutenant told us that in a couple of weeks +the whole artillery brigade is comin up an there +goin to have a garage fire. I told him if he knew +about it so far ahead that there wasnt no excuse +for such a thing. Though I should think that +would be all a garage would be good for around +here. You cant tell the Lieutenant nothin though +since the Captin went to Fort Silly to learn something +and left him in charge of the battery. I +think the authority has gone to his head. Angus +says its gone where its least crowded.</p> + +<p>I read the other day, Mable, that there makin +the cups rough on the bottom now so youll think +theres sugar in them. They cant fool me though. +Quick. Thats me all over.</p> + +<p>Dont feel you got to stop nittin me things just +because I cant use them now. You cant tell when +well have another winter. Besides it gives you +somethin to think about when you sittin talkin.</p> + +<p>Im sending you a new piece on the phoneygraph +that I got in the ten cent store. Its called +"look out Germany, I am comin." It gives you<span class="pagenum">[28]</span> +an idea of the way I feel. I got to stop now an +go an see some fellos in another battery. I just +herd the top sargent blow his whissle.</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours till I rite again<br> +<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[29]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I would have rote you before this only the +fellos in my tent is too tite to buy any paper. It +wouldnt take much, though, to tell you what I +been doin. If I ever rote a book about my adventures +same as that fellow Empty what rote +the book called "Over the top and go to Hell" +it would run in competeshun with the Manual of +Inferior Guard. Im gettin so I can only sleep +four hours at a time. The only trouble is that +it works the other way. When I do happen to +miss a day not bein on guard I have to go to sleep +after I work for two hours. Of course that interferes +with the drill skedule, Mable, but you cant +explain nothing to a top sargent.</p> + +<p>I overslept the other mornin. I didn't here the +horn. I dont see how they expect a fello to here +the horn if hes a sleep. If he herd it hed be +awake. I got out before they started firin anyway. +I had to go without breakfast to do it. I wasnt +goin to complain about that, though. Soldierin +every minit. Thats me all over, Mable. The +Lieutenant got awful sore. I guess he was mad +cause hed got up earlier than he had to. He said<span class="pagenum">[30]</span> +he was goin to prefer charges and asked me +what I had to say. I told him every man to his +taste and if he was askin my opinion Id prefer to +go back to bed. Awful excitable fello, the Lieutenant.</p> + +<p>I saw a letter on the tops desk yesterday about +the meddles a fello can get now. Theys all kinds +of different ones. Somes from Congress and +somes from the Ward Apartment. Im goin to +rite my congresman as soon as I finish this letter +and get a bunch of them. Of course I wouldnt +wear them till I do somethin pretty good but I +figure out that itll take so long to get em over +there that it would be better to get em now and +take em over with me.</p> + +<p>Im goin to tell the congresman to that as far +as Im concerned Id like to go to France as soon +as I can. Its gettin nice and warm now for +travelin. I want to see the Champs Eliza. +Thats a street in Paris that was named after +Queen Elizabeth. But thats history, Mable, I +dont suppose you understand. They tell me its +even better lookin than Broadway or Fortysecond +(42nd) street.</p> + +<p>I saw in the Sarahcuse papers that they thought +the artillery was goin there to expand. If I expand +any more, Mable, Im going to bust my belt. +I dont know why it is. I dont eat nothin outside +<span class="pagenum">[31]</span>of meal hours exceptin a few pies and the like +but I get fatter and fatter. I never think of eatin +when Im not hungry like some fellos. A fello +what does that is makin a pig out of hisself I +think.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i30" id="i30"></a> +<img src="images/i30.jpg" width="400" height="665" alt=""I DONT EAT NOTHIN OUTSIDE OF MEAL HOURS EXCEPTIN A FEW PIES"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"I DONT EAT NOTHIN OUTSIDE OF MEAL HOURS EXCEPTIN A FEW PIES"</p> + +<p>Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, was out +guardin the guns with me the other night. He +went to sleep on an aunt hill. I guess the aunts +thought he was a new mountin or somethin cause +they was all standin on him the next mornin. To +look at the sunrise I says, eh Mable? Angus +didnt seem to care though. He says Napoleun +had the same thing happen to him and was always +tellin how an army traveled on his stummick. +Nepoleun, Mable, is the fello that Washington +licked. They named that three colored ice cream +after him.</p> + +<p>All day long while were firin, Mable, a fello +from Brigade headquarters stands near the guns +and looks through a big glass with horns on it. +I guess hes to lazy to hold it hisself so he brings +out camera legs and puts them under it. He +looks through the glass and seems to see a lot of +numbers that he tells to a fello what stands beside +him. I dont see where he sees them. I +looked through the glass the other day while he +was eatin lunch and I couldnt see a thing except +the side of the hill. Then he came back and<span class="pagenum">[32]</span> +looked through it and read off a string of them. +The fello beside him rites down everything he +says. I looked over his shoulder the other day. +It looked more like a Jewish curse to me than +anything else.</p> + +<p>The Lieutenant came down the other day and +told us to get all shined up cause the Sanitary inspector +was comin out to look us over. I thought +hed be all dressed up in white with white tennis +shoes like fancy bakers and sanitary barber shops. +He wasnt though. He just had on a regular +uniform. I didnt think he was speshully sanitary. +It may have been sunburn though. I couldnt tell +from where I stood.</p> + +<p>He had a fello with him they said was from +the audience department. I know now why they +call it the audience department. All they do is +come round and watch us work. Thats a branch +I didnt know about till after Id joined this.</p> + +<p>Well, Mable, I got to quit now and go and +look at the Guard rooster to see if I answer sick +call tomorrow mornin. They say the Germans +is raisin the dickins. I wish theyd hurry up and +get me over there.</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours eternally,<br> +in haste<br> +<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i32" id="i32"></a> +<img src="images/i32.jpg" width="400" height="674" alt=""I COULDNT SEE A THING EXCEPT THE SIDE OF THE HILL"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"I COULDNT SEE A THING EXCEPT THE SIDE OF THE HILL"</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[33]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I thought Id rite you and let you know they +wasnt nothing particular to say. Theyve called +off the firin for a few days till they can get some +more amunishun. If theyd only scatter a few +Germans out there it wouldnt be such an awful +waste. Ive fired so much now I guess I could fire +anything. Tell your mother the first thing Im +going to do when I get home is fire the cook. +Same old card, eh Mable?</p> + +<p>Its nice and warm here now. We havnt used +the Sibly stove for a week exceptin to keep our +dirty wash in. An old nigger comes round once +a week and takes it out. I cant figger that nigger +out, Mable. From the looks of the wash he +brings back he thinks I only got one leg and from +the looks of the bill he hands me he thinks Im a +sentapeed. Angus says hes not all there hisself. +Thats why he loses so much.</p> + +<p>We had a boxing fight the other night. The +Lieutenant says they increase the moral. I dont +think they do the non coms no good though when +they see the wallop some of the fellos in their +squad has got. Joe Loomis has been talkin so<span class="pagenum">[34]</span> +much about how he could lick the whole divishun +with one hand behind his back that we got him to +go in. I put some money on him at his advice.</p> + +<p>I guess he made his mistake in not tyin his +hand. Somebody told me he was fast. He was. +He outran the other fello all the way. Angus +says they ought to make speshul fighting rings +with banked corners sos fighters could make better +time.</p> + +<p>Joe thinks he won yet. He says if he hadnt +slipped and fell out of the ring on his elbow hed +have nocked that fellos head offen his shoulders +so hard it would have hurt somebody. Im glad +I borrowed the money I bet on him. It might +have been a total loss.</p> + +<p>Im going to ask the Lieutenant to make me +a bugler, Mable, sos I can find where buglers go +between meals. Nobody ever sees a bugler except +at mess and on payday. Ive asked a lot of +fellos but nobody knows what becomes of them. +I wouldnt want to be a bugler all the time. Its +two much strain on a fellos face. As soon as I +find out where they go Ill transfer back as a +fighter.</p> + +<p>I went into town the other night, Mable, and +went to a dinner that me and a lot of other fellos +was ast to. I sat next to a lady what didnt seem +to have much on but a lot of jewels as far as I +<span class="pagenum">[35]</span>could see. Of course she was sittin at the table, +Mable. I looked the other way all the time I +was talkin to her cause I didnt want to embarass +her. I was going to offer her my coat but I didnt +see why I should take cold if she wanted to.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i34" id="i34"></a> +<img src="images/i34.jpg" width="400" height="618" alt=""HE OUTRAN THE OTHER FELLO"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"HE OUTRAN THE OTHER FELLO"</p> + +<p>We didnt talk much. Once she looked at me +for a long time and then says "You know, Mr. +Smith, every time I take a hot bath I feel very +guilty." All I said was "Because youre not sharing +it with somebody I suppose." Then we +didnt talk much again.</p> + +<p>There was a lady across the table with turtle-hide +eye glasses what was collectin things for the +sufferin in the Palacestein. I asked her why she +didnt put an add in the paper askin everybody to +send in there old brown derbies. Nobody got it +though. I was the only one at the whole table +that a got a laugh out of it.</p> + +<p>Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello was there. +He says he likes that kind of a party. He is +always full of get up and go from the minute he +gets there.</p> + +<p>I never saw so many dying relatives in my life +as is comin by telegram every day. Have you +got an epidermic or somethin up north, Mable? +It seems as if everybody I know had been home +at least once to help his grandmother die. None +of em seem to care much for their relatives,<span class="pagenum">[36]</span> +though, from the way they act when there startin +home to watch them pass away. I asked the +Lieutenant for a furlo. He wouldnt give it to +me. Got it in for me just like the Captin did. +I wish youd telegraph him that you died quietly +and couldnt I come up for the funeral "on or +about" the middle of the month.</p> + +<p>While we was firin at the range the other day a +couple of fellos rode out by the targets lookin for +shells. It was the first time wed seen anything +worth while firin at. Everybody was right on +there toes. I guess the Lieutenant didnt see em +though cause he had us cease firin. Dopy. +Thats the way he is all the time. I dont see how +were ever going to learn nothin if we dont ceaze +our opportunities.</p> + +<p>I dont guess theres any use in my askin you if +your havin a good time. I dont see how you +could be under the circumstances. Just make the +best of it Mable and as soon as me and the rest +of the fellos can get things straightened out Ill +come back and paint the canoe again.</p> + +<p class="author"> +until then<br> +yours faithfully<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i36" id="i36"></a> +<img src="images/i36.jpg" width="400" height="622" alt=""I SAT NEXT TO A LADY WHAT DIDNT SEEM TO HAVE MUCH ON BUT A LOT OF JEWELS"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"I SAT NEXT TO A LADY WHAT DIDNT SEEM TO HAVE MUCH ON BUT A LOT OF JEWELS"</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[37]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I am bustin into societie up here at the range. +This needent make no difference between you and +me though. There aint nothing stuck up about +me but my hair. Thats all right so long as its +good and wet. Last Sunday while I was takin +a bath in a little town near here the minister ast +me to dinner. Not while I was in the tub, of +course, Mable. Just after. He ast Joe Loomis +to. He had to really cause he was with me. +Hes not a regular minister. Hes got a lot of +money and pointed shoes an is down in the mountins +for cronik azmuth. Awful highbrow, Mable. +Dont know who Ring Lardner is and changes +the needle after every record.</p> + +<p>The minister has two daughters, both girls, and +a wife. One of the girls is good looking and +the other is more like youd expect. I guess shes +a pillo of the church. Joe was ast for her while +I amused the good looker. Anybody but Joe +could have seen that. Not him. He kept buttin +in an makin an ass of hisself.</p> + +<p>We was ast for dinner at hapast one. Joe +thought it would be politer not to run in an eat an<span class="pagenum">[38]</span> +run out like it was a canteen so we went a little +early. About noon. They played highbrow +pieces on the phoneygraph. The kind that has +only one tune on them an cost so much that everybody +has to lissen. Joe dont know nothin about +music of course. Right while K. Russo was havin +an awful time he says if theyll speed it up he like +to have a little dance.</p> + +<p>The minit we sat down to dinner Joe started +tellin one of his stories about how he almost got +killed one time. They was all waitin for him +to shut up sos the minister could say grace before +the soup got all cold. Joe thought they were +listenen to him. Thats somethin that aint ever +happened to him before. He kept draggin it out +and draggin it out. The only thing that finally +stopped him was that he forgot the point. Then +the minister put his nose in his soup and began +sayin grace. Joe thought he was talkin to him +and kept askin "Hows that and what say" all the +time he was prayin.</p> + +<p>I aint never goin out with that fello no more. +I guess thats safe cause he wont never be ast. +All the time durin dinner he kept sayin, "My +gawd I hate to make such a hog of myself." +Then the minister would look like hed lost some +money and my girl would giggle. The ministers +wife passed him some stuff she said was real old +<span class="pagenum">[39]</span>spider corn cake. Joe said he didnt care how +old it was. Since hed been in the army hed got +sos he could eat anything. Then he thought a +while an says he guessed it must have been a relief +to the spiders to get rid of them. Nobody +said nothin. Just to show his poyse Joe took his +fork out of his mouth and speered four pieces of +bread across the table.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i38" id="i38"></a> +<img src="images/i38.jpg" width="400" height="674" alt=""THE MINISTER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS—BOTH GIRLS"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THE MINISTER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS—BOTH GIRLS"</p> + +<p>He was all for keepin the same plate through +dinner and gettin up an helpin. Said he knew +what it was like to be in the kitchen on Sunday. +They forgot the coffee till dinner was over. They +didn't like to waste it I guess bein war times so +the ministers wife ast us if wed like to go into +the drawin room an have it. Joe said he wasnt +much at drawin but My gawd if he sat round +makin a hog of hisself any longer theyd have to +give it to him in a bed room.</p> + +<p>They gave us coffee in egg cups. Seein I +wasnt payin for it I didnt guess it was my place +to say nothin. Manners. Thats me all over, +Mable. We got talkin about one thing and another. +I was tellin them about the war and +when it was goin to end. Joe was sittin on the +sofa with the other daughter pickin the sole of +his shoe. I felt sorry for him cause I knew hed +be lookin at fotygraphs pretty soon if he didnt +buck up.<span class="pagenum">[40]</span></p> + +<p>The ministers wife asked me what I thought of +wimmins sufrage. I said I thought it was a good +thing but you couldnt tell. Thats the beauty of +always keepin read up on these things. If you +happen to get outside the army for a little while +and meet some inteligent people you can talk on +pretty near anything. Then she turned to Joe +and ast how he felt. Joe jumped like somebody +sprung out at him an says "A little sick to my +stummick thanks but thatll be all right as soon as +things set a bit."</p> + +<p>The good lookin one said she thought our officers +was awful cute. I guess she never seen our +Lieutenant. She said she just couldnt resist them. +I says, quick without thinkin it up "Of course, its +against the law to resist an officer." That got +them all laffin an they forgot Joe for a little while.</p> + +<p>Both the daughters sang a duette. Joe says +that was the best thing about it. They got +through twice as quick. We got laffin so hard +that I says I guess wed have to go sos to be in +time for mess. Then Joe got awful polite and +backed over a rubber plant an says "My gawd +excuse me." He wont never be ast again.</p> + +<p>Ive been wonderin for a long time, Mable, why +the audience officers all wear spurs. They dont +ever ride a horse of course. I ast Angus +MacKenzie, the skotch fello, the other day and +<span class="pagenum">[41]</span>he says its to keep there feet from slidin off the +desk. Aint that a funny custom?</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i40" id="i40"></a> +<img src="images/i40.jpg" width="400" height="672" alt=""THEY GAVE US COFFEE IN EGG CUPS"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THEY GAVE US COFFEE IN EGG CUPS"</p> + +<p>I guess were goin to begin shootin again pretty +soon. The Lieutenant says the artillery is goin +to have a Brigade problem and the infantry is +comin up from camp for it. I guess well all take +a lot more interest in the shootin if theres somethin +worth while to fire at</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours in spite of better things<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<p>P.S. Joe Loomis just got a letter that smelt and +what do you suppose, Mable? It was from the +goodlookin daughter askin him to come over to +dinner next Sunday all alone. I guess there not +as high brow as I thought.</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[42]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>Were back from shootin at the range. We +ended up by firin at the infantry. That was what +they was talkin about when they said there was +goin to be a garage fire. Thats the army all over, +Mable. Tecknickle. The firin was a total failure, +Mable. We fired at the range for three +months an never hit it. That aint surprisin +cause I never see nothin except some trees in front +of the guns and we always fired over those. +When they finally got wise and put some infantry +out there for us to fire at we missed them absolutely. +Fired everythin in front of them.</p> + +<p>Dont say nothin about this cause it might get +into the papers and cheer up the Kizer. Its all +the Captins falt. I guess he thought he had an +Aunty Air Kraft battery. That fello comes from +Far Rockaway and he lives in the last house.</p> + +<p>The last mornin we fired the Lieutenant says I +was battery agent. It seemed kind of silly to me +to bother about sellin stuff while we was firin but +thats the Lieutenant. He got away before I could +ask him what I was to sell. I bought a lot of pop +and crackers and stuff and tried to sell em to the +<span class="pagenum">[43]</span>fellos, while they was firin. The first sargent +wouldnt let me. I told him I was battery agent +but not him. That fello wont have to wear no +steel helmut when he gets to France. I ate it all +myself.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i42" id="i42"></a> +<img src="images/i42.jpg" width="400" height="662" alt=""THE FIRST SARGENT WOULDNT LET ME"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THE FIRST SARGENT WOULDNT LET ME"</p> + +<p>If the Lieutenant is goin to keep me as battery +agent now were back Im goin to ask him if I +cant rig up a little office. I wouldnt be surprised +if they had me up in Washington pretty soon. +Lots of the fellos say they ought to send me somewhere. +Im ritin up to N. Y. where theres a place +where they make sofa pillos with fellos goin over +the top on em and gold rings with your girls name +on em free for a dollar twenty ($1.20).</p> + +<p>The last week on the range we lived in pup +tents. A pup tent Mable is like the roof of a +dog house without the house. They call em pup +tents cause no one but a very young dog would +be fool enough to sleep under one. There made +out of a couple of pieces of stuff like what you +make porus nit underclothes out of. You button +em together if theres any buttons. It dont make +much difference as far as keepin the rain out is +concerned. The only thing they do to the rain is +to strain it.</p> + +<p>I guess these pup tents we got is an old issue +what was wished on us by the Japaneze army. +When an ordinary sized fello lies down in one<span class="pagenum">[44]</span> +(and thats all you can do in em) hes out doors +from the nees down. The Major came round +Sunday night. I guess he made a mistake and +thought it was Saturday. Theres a rule that +Majors only come round on Saturday cause they +bother the men. The Major says "I guess well +blow taps an hour early tonight cause the men is +all in." An I says back right out loud "There +aint anybody goin to get all in these things, you +big overgrown boob," only he happened to be +away down the street and didnt hear me. It didnt +make no difference to me though. I said it anyway. +High spirited. Thats me all over, Mable.</p> + +<p>Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says that +these is skotch pup tents. The skotch he says +dont ever wear nothin below the nees. I guess +Angus aint a pure skot though cause I heard him +and Joe Loomis arguin this mornin cause Angus +had swiped Joes horse blanket to wrap round his +legs.</p> + +<p>It rained for three days before we left. You +could have squoze water out of my pistol, Mable. +They say a fello is two thirds water anyway. I +bet I was 99 and ninety nine 100 per cent pure, +eh Mable?</p> + +<p>Monday mornin we hiked back to camp. They +got us up so early I thought they was blowin taps. +The Lieutenant was awful sore. I guess a drop +<span class="pagenum">[45]</span>of water came through his tent somewhere during +the night and lit on him. He looks at me and +says "As you were, Smith." All I says was "Ill +never be again, Lieutenant."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i44" id="i44"></a> +<img src="images/i44.jpg" width="400" height="668" alt=""THE ONLY THING THEY DO TO THE RAIN IS TO STRAIN IT"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THE ONLY THING THEY DO TO THE RAIN IS TO STRAIN IT"</p> + +<p>They made me a driver the last minit on the +hike comin home. I guess there breakin me in +to every place sos they can let the rest of the +battery home on furlo and let me do all the work, +from the looks of it. They showed me two +horses hitched to the gun and told me they was +mine. Right away I seen that the right hand +horse was all hitched up and there wasnt nobody +there to ride him. So when the sargent says he +was all ready I says "No we aint. I aint goin +till the fello what rides this horse is here. +Theres enough favorites being played in the battery +now."</p> + +<p>That showed the Lieutenant where I stood. +He said the fello what usually drove the horse +was on speshul duty coilin up firin lines. When +he put it that way I agreed to lead the right hand +horse in to camp. Angus says they call the right +hand horse the off horse because the fello what +rides him is always off doin somethin else. He +aint the only fello whats off round here though. +I can tell you that, Mable.</p> + +<p>Theres a roomor around here that were going +to Honey Lulu. Joe Loomis has sent for his<span class="pagenum">[46]</span> +Ukaylaly. Angus says hes orderin a grass cutter +to take with him sos he can make hisself one of +those grass suits over there. I guess the next +time I rite it will be from there.</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours till then<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[47]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I guess I was born with a silver spoon in my +mouth though up to now I thought Id swallowed +it. I told you Id make you happy some day. +Now Im going to. Im comin home on a furlo.</p> + +<p>I always wished theyd kristened me somethin +besides Smith till now. Theres a fello named +Patrick Smith what lives two tents down with a +red nose and hair that hangs down under his hat. +His mother rote the Captin an said she was dyin. +She said she didnt expect to live more than forty-eight +(48) hours or however long it took for her +son to get home.</p> + +<p>The Captin thought it was me. He called me +up an says "Smith your mother is sinkin rapidly." +I couldnt believe that though cause she woudnt +never go near any place where they was water. +Then he read me the letter. I knew right away it +was Patrick Smith's mother cause he was figurin +last week on the most likely one to kill off sos he +could get home.</p> + +<p>I never let on though. Quick. Thats me all +over, Mable. I says "Gee, thats to bad" like I +was all broke up. And then I said "Shes the<span class="pagenum">[48]</span> +only mother I ever had Captin." I said it so +sad that I almost got myself cryin. An the Captin +says "Well Smith, you been workin pretty +hard an need a change. Ill give you a ten day +furlo to go home to the funeral." Nice fello +the Captin when you get to know him.</p> + +<p>Im comin up Mable just as soon as I can borrow +enough close and the like. It seemed to me +when I used to lay out my stuff for inspeckshun +Saturday mornins that I had enough junk to equip +the draft army. I just been lookin over my stuff +to find somethin to wear home. It makes a fello +feel half nakid.</p> + +<p>Im going to borrow the money to buy my railroad +ticket so you see the trip aint going to cost +me a cent. I bet youll be glad to have someone +round who aint skared to change a quarter once +in a while.</p> + +<p>Its kind of hard to get a suitcase. Theres +only one in the battery. The fello what owns it +says its made the trip north 25 times. From the +looks of it hes modest. Else the last fello tied +it to the end of the train and let it drag all the +way. I guess I can fix it with rope though.</p> + +<p>Then Joe Loomis has a uniform that he paid +fifteen dollars ($15) for. It looks like an officers +unless you wear it in the rain. Joes in the +guard house so Im going to take it an not say<span class="pagenum">[49]</span> +nothin. I guess Joe'd do the same for a pal. +Besides he aint got no kick comin cause theres a +rule that we cant speak to prisoners.</p> + +<p>Joe got put in the guard house for burnin down +the stable tent where they keep the horses serial. +He was sittin in the stable tent while he was on +stable guard catchin a smoke. Stable guard is +a kind of night bell hop and chamber maid to the +horses. He heard the Officer of the Day comin +and stuck his cigaret but in an oat bag. Then the +whole thing burnt down. Angus MacKenzie says +thats what he gets for hidin his light under a +bushel. Thats a skotch joke though. I guess +you wouldnt get it.</p> + +<p>Angus is lendin me a pair of spiral puttys. A +spiral putty is a flannel bandage what you wind +round your leg sos nobody cant see that the buttons +is offen your trouser legs. The fello what +made em must have had queer legs cause when +you get to the top there aint no place to fasten +them. I guess they were built for fellos that was +goin to stand still. As soon as you move they +unwind and drag in the dust till a horse steps on +one of them. Then you do em up again.</p> + +<p>I started savin thrift stamps. I got pretty near +two books full. Angus says its got it all over +United Segar cupons. When you get enough you +get some dandy things. I wrote the premium department<span class="pagenum">[50]</span> +at Wash. D. C. for one of their catalogs. +I want to get a mandolin as soon as I get enough. +Joe Loomis is savin for a Ukaylaly. I hope it +takes more stamps than he can ever save.</p> + +<p>Were getting some new draft men now. Between +you an me there an awful dum bunch. +They dont know the difference between squads +right and fall in. I dont see how fellos can live +as long as they have an not know these simple +things.</p> + +<p>A few of them is Jewish fellos from New York. +All they think about is how they can get some post +cards of the camp and sell em to the fellos. A +couple of them sold there equipment the minit +they was issued it. Angus says one of them was +on guard the other night and a fello came a long. +He stopped him and says "Halt, whose there?" +an the fellow says "Friend." An he says "Advance, +friend, an give the discount." Youd hardly believe +that, Mable. But bein a girl I suppose you +would, not knowin nothin about the military.</p> + +<p>So I aint goin to rite you no more cause theres +no sense ridin up on the train with my own letters. +I got a lower bunk all hired. Im goin to have +it made up before we leave the station an I aint +goin to get up till we pull into Philopolis. If the +fello in the upper bunk aint got sense enough to +stay in bed he can sit on the edge of the bunk and +<span class="pagenum">[51]</span>whissle for all I care. An the lord help the +porter if he calls me cause he aint no first sargent +an Id just as soon tell him so. Frank. Thats +me all over, Mable.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i50" id="i50"></a> +<img src="images/i50.jpg" width="400" height="663" alt=""I JUST FOUND YOUR PICTUR AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BARRACK BAG"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"I JUST FOUND YOUR PICTUR AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BARRACK BAG"</p> + +<p>I suppose your father and mother will be +tickled to see me. Theyll think Im comin home +to marry you. I guess you know I would if I +had time. Besides I dont believe in gettin married +before the war cause like as not Ill be killed. +I dont want you to worry though or nothin like +that. Youd be in a nice mess then though with +your fathers liver on your hands an no visibul +means of support.</p> + +<p>I got to stop now an borrow some money to +come home on. I think Pat Smiths got some. +Hed be awful sore if he knew I was goin home on +his furlo.</p> + +<p>I just found your pictur at the bottom of my +barrack bag. It gave me an awful shock first. +Then I remembered that my hob-nailed shoes had +been sittin on it. I wouldnt care though even if +you did look like that. Sense before beauty. +Thats me all over, Mable.</p> + +<p class="author"> +yours till I see you<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[52]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>This is the last time Ill take my pen in hand +to rite for some time. I aint allowed to tell you +why.</p> + +<p>This letters got to be awful short cause I aint +allowed to say nothin. Theres so many spize +round listenin that I aint even allowed to tell you +that we got our orders an were goin to F——e. +Were goin to fight the G——s.</p> + +<p>I aint even allowed to tell you how were goin +except that its by boat. Even thats awful confidenshul. +If the spize heard about it theyd probably +blow up all the boats sos to make sure of +gettin the right one.</p> + +<p>Angus says the top sargents got orders to take +us right into the front line trenches. I guess +there goin to try an finish this thing up right +away. I guess Ill probably get killed pretty +quick. Ill feel a lot better if I know your not +worryin an thinkin of me lyin mortaly wounded in +a shell hole as I probably shall be.</p> + +<p>An so now I cant come home on my furlo, +Mable. I knew the Captin had a string tied to it +somewhere. If theres any way of gettin into<span class="pagenum">[53]</span> +heaven that fello will slip through or Im mistaken. +Of course I wanted to see you but on the +other hand I saved a lot of money. Just as soon +as I get mortally wounded Im going to rite a +book about my sensashuns an then come back an +lecture about it. I guess I wont be gone long.</p> + +<p>Well, Mable, there finally wakin up to themselves. +I guess the war wont last much longer +now. Or me either, eh Mable? Some day when +one of those big G——n shells lands on my nap-sack +Ill be able to really rite you an say "Thats +me all over, Mable." Please dont worry about +me.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till you here the worst<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[54]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I take up my pen to rite you. From the way +I feel I dont think Ill be takin things up much +longer. Im on a boat now. They say we are +goin to France but we been goin two days now and +I aint seen no land yet. Joe Loomis thinks that +theres German proper gander in it. He says that +they got us out here and there goin to keep us +goin round and round till the wars over.</p> + +<p>It seems kind of silly to rite you cause I cant +mail this till I get to France. It wont be no use +then cause by the looks of things now Ill probably +be flirting with a couple of mermaids in Davy +Jones Lock Up long before that. Thats a +naughty call joke though, Mable. You wouldnt +understand it.</p> + +<p>As far as I can find out there sending the whole +army over on this ship. Most of them sleeps in +the room with me from the noise. They got it +fixed up cozy like an opium den or a morgue. +There piled up three high and the only thing that +stops them there is the roof.</p> + +<p>Were on a German boat. I bet it makes them +sore Mable to see one of there own boats bringin<span class="pagenum">[55]</span> +over fellos like me. The Germans is peculiar +people. They got sines all over the boat. On +some of the doors upstairs they got Herren +painted. Youd never catch an American boat +carryin fish right on the passenger floor. On +some of the other doors they got sines what says +Bad. I guess they run out of these before they +came to the place where I sleep. It dont seem +reasonable to let fish have a room with mahogohuny +doors and a fello with two legs sleepin where +I do. Some of the rooms has Damen rote on +them. Joe Loomis what lives on the canvas +above me says thats the only German he ever +agreed with.</p> + +<p>I aint been really sick yet. I aint give up hopes +though. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, got +so worried because he felt all right that he went +up to see the doctor this mornin.</p> + +<p>I cant rite much cause the Captin told us the +centsor would read our letters. I dont know who +he is. I guess hes a German. Of course hell +read em if we dont seal em.</p> + +<p>I guess well get blown up before we go much +further. I dont want you to worry though. I +just menshun it. You got enough on your hands +with your father in bed with his liver again and +me not around to cheer you up.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours to the last bubble<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[56]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>Were all balled up. There aint no doubt now +that its German Proper Gander workin. We +been runnin three days now and no sign of land +yet. I wouldnt be surprised if we woke up some +mornin in Chickawgo or some other place on the +Specific coast. I aint sick yet. I dont seem to +need as much food as I used to, though.</p> + +<p>Im gettin on to this naughty call stuff fast. +Quick. Thats me all over, Mable. Theres a +few things about the boat though that I dont know +yet. For instance they got pipes comin out of +the deck all over like Sibly stoves upside down. +I thought they was for rubbish. I was just remarkin +to Joe Loomis how neat they was to have +such things. We was makin a point of pickin +up everything we saw and firin it down them. +Then one of the ships officers came along and +you'd ought to have herd him. Youd have +thought we was tryin to blow up the old tug, instead +of keepin it clean for him. He said the +funnels was for carryin fresh air to the mens +quarters. I says I guessed the one that carried +<span class="pagenum">[57]</span>air down to our quarters got clogged before we +started.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i56" id="i56"></a> +<img src="images/i56.jpg" width="400" height="652" alt=""I DONT SEEM TO NEED AS MUCH FOOD AS I USED TO"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"I DONT SEEM TO NEED AS MUCH FOOD AS I USED TO"</p> + +<p>They close all the windows every night. Angus +MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says that sos the +Germans wont fire torpetoes through the windows +and land on our beds. Thats a jokin way he has +of speakin of the pieces of canvas we sleep on.</p> + +<p>Were havin a race with another boat. Its +awful close. We been racin now ever since we +started and neither of us has gained yet. I here +the engineers has a bet of five dollars on who +gets in first. I dont know who can be on the +other boat cause we got the whole army on ours.</p> + +<p>Well, Mable, I got to quit now cause were +liable to be sub-marined and blown to pieces any +minit. I want to get this off before we sink.</p> + +<p>Dont worry about me.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till I touch bottom<br> +<i>Bill</i>. +</p> + +<span class="pagenum">[58]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/m-gram.jpg" width="400" height="633" alt="" title=""> +</div> + +<p>MARCONIGRAM<br> +<br> +WORLD WIDE WIRELESS<br> +<br> +CONTINENT TO CONTINENT<br> +SHORE TO SHIP<br> +SHIP TO SHIP<br> +<br> +MARCONI TELEGRAPH—CABLE CO <span class="smcap">Inc.</span><br> +IN CONNECTION WITH<br> +MARCONI WIRELESS TELEGRAPH COMPANY<br> +OF AMERICA<br> +<br> +Received at Philopolis<br> +<br> +Dere Mable<br> +<br> +Not feelin well today so am sendin<br> +this instead of ritin. Aint seasick. Just<br> +somethin the matter with my stummick. Angus<br> +MacKenzie, skotch fello says thats me all<br> +over, Mable. I says its all over with me.<br> +Bright and funny to the last. Eh, Mable.<br> +Guess we'll all be sunk soon now. Itll be<br> +a change to have something goin down. I<br> +cant say any more cause this is costin me<br> +1 dollar ($1) a word. Wouldnt have said<br> +this much but I borrowed the money from Joe<br> +Loomis. Hed have spent it for somethin<br> +foolish anyhow.<br> +<br> +Yours through all ups and downs<br> +Bill</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[59]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>No land yet. If wed been goin in a straight +line wed have passed N. Y. twice by this time, I +suppose theyll keep us goin round in circles like +this till the wars over. Joe Loomis says its three +thousand (3000) miles across. Thats silly +though. It aint as far as that from N. Y. to +Chickawgo.</p> + +<p>My room is way down stairs in the sub cellar. +All there is between me and the bottom of the +sea is the floor. If theyd stuck me down any +further it wouldnt have been such a long drop at +that. Each fello has a little blue padded straight +jacket to wear while hes sinkin. There awful +heavy. I guess there to keep us warm while were +drownin. Joe Loomis says there to pull us down +quick sos we dont suffer. The Captin says today +that when we sink all men gets into rowboats +and the officers hang on to rafts. Theres somethin +wrong somewhere. I been lookin over the +rowboats to see whats the matter with them.</p> + +<p>They got a lot of skotch fellos on board. I +dont know where they came from. Joe Loomis +says they aint pure cause they dont wear ribbons<span class="pagenum">[60]</span> +on their bonnets and do wear pants. But he +aint got no call to talk about pure skots.</p> + +<p>We all got issued tin hats before we left. I +guess theyll give us sheet iron underclose next. +It takes a long time to wear a tin hat without +hurtin yourself. If you move quick it slides down +over your eyes and bursts you in the nose. Thats +why they charge in a walk I guess. They got +muskito nettin inside sos it wont hurt your head. +If you take that out it makes a good wash basin +or a mess kit. Joe Loomis and Angus got arguin +yesterday, Joe claimin that they was no good and +Angus claimin that you couldnt hurt a guy what +had one on. Angus got so sore he bet a quarter. +To decide it Joe put on his hat and let Angus hit +him on the bean with a piece of lead pipe. Joe +always was lucky. He won the quarter and now +hes livin on A deck where the hospital is. An the +Dr. says he aint got a chance of dyin which is +more than most of us can say. I guess theyll +sink us today. I got to quit now.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till the third time down,<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[61]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>Were in the same place we was yesterday. Id +know it now with my eyes shut. It looks like we +was movin but Joe Loomis says thats just the +water goin past the boats. A fello told me we +was in the Gulf stream. If we are its some creek +cause you cant see no banks.</p> + +<p>We been on four days now. Im beginnin to +feel like the Ainshunt Mourner. We lie round on +the floor of one of the lower piazzas all day and +read books from the library. Most of them is +about the lives of fellos whats dead. That aint +right for a bunch what expects to be with em any +minit.</p> + +<p>Once a day we go up on one of the upper piazzas +to exercise. A fello might as well try to +swing indiun clubs on the five o'clock subway. +The only exercise you can do without knockin off +the head of the fello next to you is eyes right and +eyes left.</p> + +<p>The Captin is always talkin about goin below. +Seein how we all may any minit, it aint no time for +jokin about it. He says to me yesterday "Smith, +fix me up a list of spaces for all my men down<span class="pagenum">[62]</span> +below." Aint that the Captin all over, Mable? +He wont be satisfied till he has em all tagged and +numbered and doing squads east and west in Davy +Jones Lock Up.</p> + +<p>Joe Loomis has his girls pictur pasted on the +back of his tin lookin glass. He lies on his bunk +all day gapin at it. Some fellos make awful asses +of themselves about there girls. Angus MacKenzie, +the skotch fello, had the mirror shavin the +other day. It swung round while he wasnt lookin +and when he looked in it again he got an awful +start.</p> + +<p>They havnt sunk us yet. I guess there just +foolin with us. Perhaps it will happen today. +Dont worry though.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till you here otherwise<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i62" id="i62"></a> +<img src="images/i62.jpg" width="400" height="651" alt=""JOE LOOMIS"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"JOE LOOMIS"</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[63]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I feel the same way the Knights of Columbus +must have felt when they was discoverin North +America. Just sailin round in circles and wishin +they had never left N. Y. Were goin through an +awful bumpy part of the ocean now. Joe Loomis +says theres a lot of traffic through here and these +big boats cuts it all up. Thats how ignorant that +fello is, Mable. Its gettin colder all the time to. +I wouldnt be surprised if we had got turned north +by mistake and would land up in Labordoor or +somethin.</p> + +<p>One of the boat officers is called the Executioner +Officer. Every day most he comes round +and says its half an hour earlier than it is. Thats +the way those fellos use there awthority. Nobody +dasnt contradict them. I guess thats the +way these boats make records so often, Mable. +When they see they aint goin to make a record +they just shove the clock back. Id go over in +nothin if I was the Captin and get it over with +quick. I wish I could have made contracks like +that when I was home. If a fello came to me +and says "Your contrack is up today" Id just look<span class="pagenum">[64]</span> +at him and say "You must be mistaken. This is +yesterday." Joe Loomis has it figured out that +if we keep on losing time well get there last winter.</p> + +<p>Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says theres +no danger in that though, cause if they ever find +themselves workin back towards last pay day +theyll go ahead for a while.</p> + +<p>Angus says that every time they set us back half +an hour the government skins every man out of +pretty near a nickul. It aint the money, Mable. +A nickul never meant nothin to me one way or +the other as you ought to know better than any +one. Isnt it a cheap way to Whoverize though?</p> + +<p>Joe says that if it keeps on bein as cold as this +he aint goin to get off when they sink us. He +says he rather stay down in the bedrooms and be +drowned than get all wet with that ice water and +then have a cold for the rest of the war.</p> + +<p>Well, Mable, I got to quit now. A fighter needs +a lot of sleep.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till the war ends<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[65]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin +round somethin awful all mornin. Theres always +some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said +nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch +fello, is watchin. When we catch him you bet +well give him whats what.</p> + +<p>While we was snoopin round we just discovered +somethin awful. All the life rafts what the +officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The +water would come right through. As soon as we +find the fello whats rockin the boat were goin +to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell make +us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. A +fello told me they threw these rafts over the side +when the ship was sinkin. As far as I can see if +a fello is lucky enough to get off the old tub they +fling one of these on his bean. Im going to wear +my tin hat you bet.</p> + +<p>They got a bunch of ropes hangin with knots on +them along the sides from the top floor down to +the water. A fello told me they was to climb +down when all the rowboats was gone. Some +fellos is in an awful hurry to get drowned. If<span class="pagenum">[66]</span> +there bound to crown me with a seaweed wreath +Im goin to keep em waitin as long as I can. The +fello what hung em must have had arms like a +munkey cause there hangin about six feet from +the side.</p> + +<p>These Germans must have been awful tanks, +Mable. They got one whole floor they call +saloon deck. Of course the saloons is gone now. +When they made the ship over they had to get +rid of all the luxuries to make room. They got +the bars out of the saloons and the officers eat +there.</p> + +<p>A fello came down stairs the other night and +told us about the war. He said we was all comin +over to fight to make the world safe for the +Democrats. If thats the case Mable your father +must be an ailin enemy.</p> + +<p>Well, Mable, they tell us that if we aint sunk +pretty soon were goin to get there. I guess then +I wont be able to rite you for a few days cause +itll take me a little while to get settled in the +trenches and get my dug out fixed up nice. I +hope they give us a part of the line near the station +cause I dont like those troop trains.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till I write again<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[67]</span> + +<p><b><i>Dere Mable</i></b>:</p> + +<p>I thought the fishes would be buildin nests in +my ears long before I rote this. What do you +suppose has happened? I wont ever be able to +look you in the face again. Were right near land +and aint so much as seen a Perryskope. An here +I been runnin round in my Drowning Jacket for +seven days like a fello wearin his shroud down +to his office a week before he dies. I hope you +aint bragged too much about it or theyll have the +laugh on you. I feel kind of cheap but you really +cant blame me. I took these other fellos word +for it.</p> + +<p>I aint the only goat thats been wearin my +Drowning Jacket round though. They all had to +and most of them slept in them. The tailor what +designed these must have been a boiler maker +once. If there vests there too short an if there +coats where is the sleeves? They got a hump +runnin down the backbone. I know now how a +horse feels when he tries to roll over. Besides +the Jackets, they made us carry round a tin bottle +of water on a string all the time. I suppose if<span class="pagenum">[68]</span> +there was not enough water to drown us all we +could empty out these.</p> + +<p>Were just a few miles off shore, but I cant tell +you just where. This is partly because I dont +know. Joe Loomis says were comin into London, +but Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says it +aint London. He thinks its Paris. I dont think +so though cause if it was youd see the Ethel +Tower.</p> + +<p>You want to be careful when you address letters +to me. If you address me too plain there +liable to get to me and you cant tell who might +be lookin. About all you can say on the address +as far as I can find out is Bill Smith, A. E. F., +which means Am Expecting Flowers.</p> + +<p>I got to quit now cause were gettin near shore +and the Sanitary Officer ast me to help him sweep +out the boat when the other fellos is gone. Of +course I said I would. Obligin. Thats me all +over, Mable. As soon as I get ashore Im going +to buy one of them John Brown belts you here so +much about. I dont know when Ill be able to +write to you again cause I understand theres a battle +on now so I guess Ill be pretty busy for some +time to come.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours till I rite again,<br> +<i>Bill</i>.<br> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a name="i68" id="i68"></a> +<img src="images/i68.jpg" width="400" height="646" alt=""THE TAILOR MUST HAVE BEEN A BOILER MAKER ONCE"" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"THE TAILOR MUST HAVE BEEN A BOILER MAKER ONCE"</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<span class="pagenum">[69]</span> + +<h2>MABLE TO BILL</h2> + +<p><i>Dearest William</i>:</p> + +<p>Your letter received and contents noted. +Through Spiritual Channels you have been with +me ever since the momentous day we parted, and +all I can say is, "May God in His infinite mercy +watch over and take care of you, until you have +been delivered safely into my arms."</p> + +<p class="author"> +Ever Thine,<br> +<i>Mable</i>.<br> +</p> + +<p>P.S.—<i>Bill</i>:</p> + +<p>Am going round with a new swell John and he +writ this fer me. Itll make the fellos think Im +a swell dame when you show it to them. Tear off +this p. s. part. What's the matter, are you broke? +You dont put no more stamps on your letters. +Rite again.</p> + +<p class="author"> +Yours as long as you stay away,<br> +<i>Mable</i>.<br> +</p> + +<p class="spacer"> </p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/z0.jpg" width="400" height="612" alt="" title=""> +</div> + +<p> +DERE MABLE<br> +<br> +LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE<br> +By Lieut. EDWARD STREETER<br> +<br> + +The best selling book of 1918, 550,000 in 8 months. +For genuine humor nothing written in recent years surpasses +these letters from a "simple soldier" to his best +girl. Read them—and live with the rookie through all his +perplexities, through all his amusements, through all his +work, live with him and laugh with him—and at him!<br> +<br> +With 35 illustrations by Corp. "BILL" BRECK<br> +Boards, 12mo, net 75c<br> +<br> +<br> +<i>The Navy "Dere Mable"</i><br> +BILTMORE OSWALD<br> +The Diary of a Hapless Recruit<br> +By J. THORNE SMITH, Jr., C.B.M., U.S.N.R.F.<br> +<br> +This book does for the Navy fledgling what DERE +MABLE does for the rookie of the Army. It is the veracious +record of the haps and mishaps of a verdant land-lubber +plunged into a whirl of unfamiliar duties at Pelham +Bay, as told by a recruit who has been through the mill. +His experience are one long riot of laughter—no one with +a son or a brother or a sweetheart in the Service will want +to miss it and no one who is a recruit himself can afford to +miss it.<br> +<br> +With 31 illustrations by Dick Dorgan, U.S.N.R.F.<br> +Boards, 12mo, uniform with DERE MABLE, net 75c.<br> +<br> +Publishers FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY New York</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/z1.jpg" width="400" height="681" alt="" title=""> +</div> + +<p>READ AND LAUGH!<br> +<br> +<i>Dere Mable</i><br> +<br> +<span class="smcap">Love Letters of a Rookie</span><br> +By E. STREETER<br> +<br> +<i>Written and illustrated by two men of the 27th<br> +Division while at Camp Wadsworth</i><br> +<br> +<span class="smcap">15TH</span> PRINTING, COMPLETING 550,000</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/z2.jpg" width="400" height="670" alt="" title=""> +</div> + +<p>One Long Riot of Laughter<br> +<br> +Biltmore<br> +Oswald<br> +<br> +<i>The</i> DIARY<br> +OF A<br> +HAPLESS<br> +RECRUIT<br> +<i>by</i><br> +J THORN SMITH<br> +U.S.N.R.F.<br> +<br> +Written and illustrated by two men of the U. S. +Naval Reserve Force at the Pelham Bay Training +Station.</p> + +<hr class="chapter"> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/z3.jpg" width="400" height="680" alt="Do you enlist for foreign service" title=""> +</div> + +<p class="caption">"'Do you enlist for foreign service?' he snapped.<br> +'Sure,' I replied, 'it will all be foreign to me.'" +<br> +(Illustration from "<i>Biltmore Oswald</i>.")</p> + +</div> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full"> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE"***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 37561-h.txt or 37561-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/7/5/6/37561">http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/5/6/37561</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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William Breck + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: "That's me all over, Mable" + + +Author: Edward Streeter + + + +Release Date: September 29, 2011 [eBook #37561] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE"*** + + +E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland, Matthew Wheaton, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 37561-h.htm or 37561-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/37561/37561-h/37561-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/37561/37561-h.zip) + + + + + +"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" + +by + +LIEUT. EDWARD STREETER + +27th (N.Y.) Division +Author of "Dere Mable" + +With 25 Illustrations in Black-And-White by +Corp. G. William Breck ("Bill Breck") +27th (N.Y.) Division + + + + + + + +New York +Frederick A. Stokes Company +Publishers + +Copyright, 1919, by +Frederick A. Stokes Company + +All Rights Reserved + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + + Bill "We can fire all we want without hittin nothin" + + "I sit on a hill all day" + + "A bunch lyin under the trees" + + "My, what an awful bore" + + "The fello with the long hair" + + "He thinks there so sad that he almost cries" + + "They get awful fat, of course" + + "They come and get our dirty wash" + + "It aint as dangerous as I thought" + + "Angus likes it cause he can sit down in it" + + "If the top sargent dont remember" + + "She always carries a kid under her arm" + + "I dont eat nothin outside of meal hours exceptin a few pies" + + "I couldnt see a thing except the side of the hill" + + "He outran the other fello" + + "I sat next to a lady what didnt seem to have much on but a lot + of jewels" + + "The minister has two daughters--both girls" + + "They gave us coffee in egg cups" + + "The first sargent wouldnt let me" + + "The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it" + + "I just found your pictur at the bottom of my barrack bag" + + "I dont seem to need as much food as I used to" + + "Joe Loomis" + + "The tailor must have been a boiler maker once" + + + + +"_Thats Me All Over, Mable_" + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I take my pen in hand to tell you what do you think I done now? I left +the infantry an gone back into the artillery. The Captin hated to let me +go. He said the Artillery Colonel was a friend of his. I guess thats why +he finally said all right. It wasnt that I was scared of the infantry. I +guess you know that I aint scared of anything that walks on two legs +except the measles. The artillerys really more dangerous than the +infantry cause you stand in one place so they can get a good line on you +while in the infantry your running round all the time. + +Seein the Captin was so jealous of me I thought a fello with brains +would have more chance over here. I tried to transfer as an officer but +the Captin said I better go over as a private and as soon as they saw +what kind of a fello I was theyd fix me all right. He seemed to wake up +a little when he saw I was goin. Im going to put in my applicashun for +an officer as soon as I get a chance. + +I didnt go back to the same battery I was in before cause youll remember +that the Captin and I didnt get along very well. Couldnt seem to agree +on nothin. I thought it would be pleasanter for me an him to if I went +to another battery. + +It almost seemed like they was waitin for me cause the day after I came +over they hitched up the horses and drove the cannons out to the range. +Its kind of hard to explain to a girl like you what a range is. The only +way I can explain it is that it aint nothin like a range. There aint +nothin here but mountins and we can fire all we want without hittin +nothin but the mountins and once in a while maybe one of the mountin +ears. But they say there so tough they dont mind it a bit. Thats a funny +thing about artillery, Mable. The object seems to be not to hit nothin. +The day we got out here I heard the Captin say "Well Im glad were way +out in a place like this where we don't run no danger of hittin nothin." +All I said was "I like to see a fello careful Captin, but if thats all +your worryin about you needent have taken so much trouble." The longer I +know Captins the less I understand them. + +[Illustration: "WE CAN FIRE ALL WE WANT WITHOUT HITTIN NOTHIN"] + +This is the rainy season. The south is a wonderful country for wether +cause everything is divided off so well. There is three seasons. The +cold season, the hot season and the rainy season. Thats what makes the +place so good. It would be awful tiresome if you was always freezin to +death, or always soaked or always bakein. Now you get four months of +each. It makes a change for a fello. + +Theyve put me on the speshul detail. The speshul detail, Mable, is a +bunch of fellos what knows more than any one else in the camp. I sit on +a hill all day with a little telephone in a lunch box and take messages. +They got an awful system of sending messages in the artillery. Ill be +sittin there thinkin of you an waitin for lunch and somebody says +"Hello" an I says "Hello" just like a regular fone. And then they say +"Heres a message from mmmmmmmm." Its always the same fello. I dont know +who he is. And then they say "Tell Captin mmmmmmmm to mmmmmmmmm at once. +Please repeat." And then I repeat and whoever it is says "No, No" and +you dont here any more. I guess its some kind of a code they have. I +dont believe the Captin is on to it cause you ought to have heard what +he said the other day. I guess he was talkin about the fello on the +other end. I never heard your father do better. + +Its awful dangerous work cause where I sit aint more than half a mile +from the shells. If they ever put a curve on one of them its good night +Willie. I aint scared of course. I just menshuned it sos you wouldnt +worry. Ill tell you more about the telefone the next time. I may know +more about it myself then. + + Yours till they curve one + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "I SIT ON A HILL ALL DAY"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were still up at the artillery range shootin. I dont know what at. Im +beginnin to think nobody else does ether. Our guns is pointed right at +some woods. Weve been shootin at those woods now for a week and havnt +hit them yet. We always seem to go over them. Theres a fello stands +behind the guns and yells things all day like it was a poker game. "Up +five, up ten." The whole thing seems like an awful waste of time to me. +Im goin to suggest that we tie a couple of horses to a tree and shoot at +them. The fellos would take more interest in there work if there was +some reward. It wouldnt bother the horses much if we cant hit the woods +I guess, eh Mable? They can use my horse. If Im willin to take a chance +he ought to be. + +A fello told me the other day that these torpetoes what we shoot cost as +high as twenty dollars apiece. I dont believe that though or theyd be a +law against it. I guess he was talking about the guns. Im going to take +a couple of torpetoes back to camp and see how much the audience +department will give me for them. Thrifty. Thats me all over, Mable. + +The mountin ears come over and watch us. I guess the moonshining +business must be lax this time of year. A moonshiner makes whisky out of +corn. Angus MacKenzie tried to make some by soaking a couple of ears in +a bucket for almost a week. It didn't taste like much though an made us +kind of sick. I guess you have to have a still like these fellos have. +They call it a still, Mable, cause they have to use it on the quiet. + +The mountin ears are awful fierce with big adams apples and round hair +cuts when they have any. They have family foods. I guess they got the +idea from the movies, Mable. For instance the Turners live on the one +side of the mountin and the Howards on the other. That makes them sore +so they shoot each other. Accordin to the stories they only shoot each +other when they are goin to church. From the looks of them I guess they +made that rule to save amunishun. + +Angus an I went out last Sunday looking for a still. We thought we had +one once and watched it most all day but it turned out to be just a +little shack where they sell fig newtons and lemon pop to the fellos. +You cant fool Angus. + +The more I see of the army, Mable, the more I think its an awful +bluff. I heard a lot of talk when I first came up about a gun park. I +thought it would be a nice place to go Sundays and have some fun. I +asked the Captin if there was a lake where a fello could get a canoo and +have a little paddle. He said no but they had a fine collecshun of +animals. I didnt see nothin of no park when we came up. I spent a whole +Sunday afternoon lookin for it. One day I asked the sargent where it was +while we were unhitchin. He said we were in it then. It isnt nothin but +a big field without a blade of grass or a tree and just the guns in the +middle. I told him if he thought this was a park he ought to see +Weewillo Park home. I guess you ought to know, Mable, I paid your way in +often enough. + +[Illustration: "A BUNCH LYIN UNDER THE TREES"] + +Its like those picturs you see stuck around Main Street about men wanted +for the army. Theres always one fello playin tunes on a bugle, an a +couple of fellos playin Old Maid on a table. An off in the corner theres +always a bunch lyin under the trees like the High School tennis team +having there pictur taken. Now that isnt the kind of thing we do at all, +Mable. If the top sargent ever found us like that hed swallo his +whissle. + +I had a run in with the Captin last week, Mable. I cant seem to get +along with Captins. High strung. Thats me all over. Every week we have +an inspecshun and I have to clean the whole gun myself. They send the +whole bunch down but I guess its just to hand me things. Like nurses in +an operation. It aint much fun I tell you. When the Major came around +next day he opened the little door in the back of the gun and I guess he +saw how many parts there was to keep clean cause he says "My, what an +awful bore." The Major is all right, Mable. He likes a fello to have a +little fun once in a while. I guess he aint never been a Captin. I says +"Yes, Major, it certainly is, an nobody knows it better than me cause I +cleaned the whole thing myself." He says "Well if you dont do somethin +about it next week then you wont have nobody to blame but yourself." + +I took the hint right off and when it came time to clean guns for the +next inspecshun I got a horse and rode over to town and took a bath. I +told the Captin afterwards what the Major had told me but I dont think +he would care if General Perishing had asked me home to dinner. Its what +_he_ wants. To tell the truth I think he was sore cause I got a bath an +he didnt. + +Thats a funny thing about the army. If theres a speck of dirt on the old +guns or the horses everyone gets an awful ballin out. But if a fello +takes a little time to wash hisself youd think he done a crime. + +[Illustration: "MY, WHAT AN AWFUL BORE"] + +Well I got to quit now. Im goin on what Angus MacKenzie calls a still +hunt. Thats a skotch joke. + +I think when the wars over Ill marry you an be a mountin ear. They dont +seem to have nothin to do but stand round with there hands in there +pockets and watch us work. Thats a nice life. + + yours till then + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Spring is come. The buds is stickin out on the trees. Pieces of +tacksicabs is stickin up through the mud on the roads. Yesterday I +caught a fly. It makes a fello feel romantic somehow or other. Some of +em shines there shoes and rites home oftener. Some has even had there +picturs taken. Max Glucos was so sure spring was here that he got usin +the Sibly stove for a laundry bag. Then we had a cold night and Angus +MacKenzie thought it was kindling. Max an Angus aint speakin now. Not +that that matters much though cause they never said much when they did +talk. + +It kind of makes me restless Mable when I think of you and Main St. and +the fello with the long hair in Billings and Stover what used to make us +up Sundays. An I get lonesome for Maple st. with you an me sittin at one +end of the piazza pretendin we was listenin to your father readin the +newspaper out loud. If I ever get old, Mable, dont let me read the +newspaper out loud. An do you remember how still wed have to sit sos the +hammok wouldnt squak after eleven o'clock or your fatherd stick his head +out the door an say that if I didn't have a home you did? An how wed +go canooing at Weewillo park Saturday nights and stay out till the fello +that hired the boats out went to sleep. I was always a good spender. You +know that, but thrifty. Thats me all over, Mable. + +[Illustration: "THE FELLO WITH THE LONG HAIR"] + +I was comin back to camp the other night and a guard stopped me and says +"Who goes there?" an I says without thinkin "Me an Mable every Saturday +night." Thats the way I am now. + +Max Glucos says poetry. Spring hits him that way. Some gets hay fever, +some rash and others poetry. He says one thing that starts "In the +spring a young mans fancy vests and socks come into view." He says a +fello named Burns wrote it. Angus says Burns was a hot skotch. But I +guess you wouldnt understand that. + +Were going to have a divishun show. Of course every body in the divishun +isnt goin to be in it. A lot of them has to be detailed to watch it. +They asked me what I could do and I said most anything but Id like to +say a piece called Gungadien. Its a piece I came across in a book by a +fello I never heard of so I didnt think any of the fellos would know it. +They told me to report at the mess shack an theyd fix me up. When I went +they told me I was electrician cause anybody could recite pieces but +they had to have a fello with a bean on him to be electrician. They +told me they was goin to hold me for an emergency. If the show went +rotton an everybody got throwin things then theyd send me out. + +Fellos is funny, Mable. Most of em when you ask em say they cant do +nothin. Then if they think they aint goin to be urged they say there +rotton but theyll have a try at it. Then when they get down rehersin +they get so pleased with themselves they dont want to quit an give +nobody else a chance. Its part of the electricians job to get them away +when they get through. One fello plays a ukaylaly and sings Howareyoun +songs. He thinks there so sad that he almost cries every time. We think +so too but it makes us mad instead. + +Thank your mother for the spring tonic she sent me. Its funny that a +bottle of medicine was the first thing that ever came through the post +office without bein in pieces. I cant say much for the taste. I guess +thats why it got by the post office so well. Your mother rote me to take +it regular cause it put iron in my blood. Angus says we got enough stuff +to lug around now without ballisting our insides with iron. After he +tasted it he said that if he had to have iron in his blood hed rather +swallo a couple of nails and let them dissolve inside him than take +them predigested. + +[Illustration: "HE THINKS THERE SO SAD THAT HE ALMOST CRIES"] + +Dont send me no more nitted things, Mable. Its gettin hotter every day. +Next winter well be in France. Its nice and warm there all the time. +Besides Paris is a pretty fair sized town. I can run in any time and get +what ever I want. Give my regards to your father. I hope his liver is +workin again. I dont suppose he is by any chance. + + yours regardless + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I got arrested for a week up at the artillery range. That aint a +disgrace like bein arrested in the city though. Down here some of the +nicest fellos does it. There aint no jale. I just live in a different +tent. I guess they couldnt think of any place worse to live in than a +tent. Im in with a good crowd. It makes a nice change from drillin. I +got arrested for my watch bein slow. That shows how strict they are in +the army. + +While we was firin at the range the other day I was sittin on a hill +with the fone takin messages from another hill. I was thinkin of you an +gettin kind of dopy when some one says over the fone "This is the +General." I says "How do you do sir." Curteus. Thats me all over, Mable. +I guess he didnt here me though. He says "Were going to syncopate our +watches." That was a new one on me Mable. I was goin to tell him that +mine didnt need it. Its the one your father gave me an its been runnin +in ragtime ever since I got it. + +Then he says "When I say check its ten fifty five (10.55)." I thought he +was exceedin his authority but I didnt say nothin an when he said check +I just passed it over. He waited a minute and then he says "When I say +check its ten fifty seven (10.57)." It struck me that I might have +worked that out myself but I didnt say nothin. Then he says after a +minute. "When I say check its ten fifty nine (10.59)." Then just to save +him trouble I says "I got a watch myself sir. And as a matter of fact +your five minutes fast." I guess I was slow. But as I say bein in arrest +aint no disgrace like bein in the city. + +Im going to ask the Captin to let me off this telefone job. Whenever +they dont know who to let out on they let out on the telefone man. What +they want is a mind reader not a fello with brains. The other day the +Captin says "Lay this spool of wire up that hill." He handed me a thing +that looked like a trolly cable and weighed about as much. Then he went +home to read the paper till I came back and told him it was done. Thats +the way with Captins. When I got it all done they go and say to the +Major "I laid the wire up the hill." An the Major says "That was a good +job, Captin. You must be tired. Have a cigar." But I never say nothin. +Thats me all over, Mable. + +I took the wire like he said and laid it under a bush on top of the hill +sos nobody could swipe it. When I came down I showed him where it was +on a little pictur I drew him. An to here him talk youd think hed never +asked me to take it up the hill at all. + +Yesterday we was firin into the middle of a field where there wasnt a +livin thing to hit as far as I could see. If the Captin had to pay for +these torpetoes I bet hed be more careful of them. He was awful excited +though. He came up an gave me a lot of numbers to fone to his battery. +He didn't say what to do with them an nothin happened. That got him +sore. It aways does. Captins thinks you ought to know what to do without +tellin you. He started to take it out on me bein the nearest. He says +"Get somethin off quick. Hurry up. Get somethin off quick." So just to +humor him I took off my shirt as he hadnt specified. You cant do nothin +right for a man like that though. + +Im learnin a lot about cannons an there habits. There like horses. When +you first get them there wild. The Captin told me that every other +battery but his was awfully wild. He has trouble with his though cause +the other day they telefoned up that theyed just broken one of his guns. +I guess he likes em better wild cause he got awful sore. But you couldnt +do anything right for the Captin. + +[Illustration: "THEY GET AWFUL FAT, OF COURSE"] + +You ought to see the Major, Mable. A major is a fello that only comes +round once a week. They get awful fat of course. Ours is taller in bed +than he is standin up. I guess he is the kind of thing they have in mind +when they say "not to be taken into the front line trenches." + +Im goin to send you one of the torpetoes they shoot out of the guns. +There lyin all over the lot. As far as I can see there just as good as +new. The Captin said not to touch any of em case they mightent have +exploded and was liable to go off when you handled them. I asked them +where they was goin to but he couldnt see a joke if you hit him with it. +Im not takin no chances though Mable. I always carry a hammer and I +pound each one of them good before I pick em up. + +Im beginning to think all this stuff about the mountin ears bein wild is +a lot of fake. I been out with Angus MacKenzie three times huntin stills +an the nearest thing we found to one was a fello what sold Bevo. An they +dont seem to be very wild. They come round and get our dirty wash every +day or two and the only wild thing is me when they bring it back. They +all seem to be mixed up on the shavin regulashuns. They all shave there +necks and let there wiskers grow. + +Well, Mable, pretty soon well be coming back from the range an goin into +town again. I been away so long I bet William S. Hart has grown a +beard. When you rite I wish youd look up and see when lent is sos I +could give up a little somethin. The way a fello loses track of national +holidays down here is awful. + +Give my regards to your mother and as far as Im concerned to your father +to. + + Yours till better times + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "THEY COME AND GET OUR DIRTY WASH"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I aint arrested no more. Im back to work again. I aint worrying though +cause if things keeps on the way there goin Ill be arrested again pretty +soon. I know now why they call it arrest. No drill or nothin. All a +fello has to do all day is go around with a pick and shovel and dig. + +Were still firin away at the range but we havnt hit it yet. If they keep +firin amunishun around much longer they wont have nothin left to fire at +the Germans but the guns. Eh Mable? Thats the kind of thing Im always +sayin in line. Keeps the fellos from gettin depresed. + +I learned one thing about artillery. It aint as dangerous as I thought. +They fire at what they call a target but it aint like any target I ever +saw. It aint got circles round it or nothin. Every time they shoot they +make a little dot on a piece of paper to show where the torpeto hit. The +idea seems to be to hit all around the target but never to land one on +top of it. If I was out there Id make a bee line for the target and sit +tight till it was all over. Then someone says "The center of impact hit +the target clean as a whissle." And they all seem awful pleased. From +all Ive seen if the Germans will only land me on the head with a center +of impact I wont feel Ive got any kick coming. + +I was out with Angus MacKenzie on a still hunt and an autymobile came +along what belonged to a fello what had two sons in the army. I could +tell cause it had a flag on the front with two stars on it. It stopped +in front of us. The fello what owned it belonged to the cavalry cause he +had a yello hat cord on. He leaned out and says "Dont you see that +flag?" I says "yes, sir, I was just simpathizing with em." That kind of +went home I guess cause he got red an says "You report this thing to +your battery commander immedeately." So when I got home I told him that +a fello what owned a big car had two sons in the army. I had to call him +out from mess to tell him an he says what the this that and the other +did he care. If you do what your told you get in trouble and if you dont +you do to. + +The Captins gone to Fort Silly now to learn somethin. I just told Angus +MacKenzie I thought hed get more at Fort Levenworth. But thats a +tecknickle joke, Mable. Of course you wont get it. I guess the +Lieutenant thought he was in the audience department or somethin cause +right away after the Captin left he came down and said now he was +goin to make a battery out of us. I told him I knew where there was a +good dry cell just above New York. That fello wouldnt laff though, +Mable, if Joe Miller hisself told him a joke. All he thinks of is +smoothin out horses. + +[Illustration: "IT AINT AS DANGEROUS AS I THOUGHT"] + +The feelin between me and the horses seems to grow worse every day, +Mable. I think my horse has got me mixed up with somebody else. I never +did nothin to him except bring him down some of my breakfast one +morning. The sargent is always tellin me to pick up his feet. I tell him +theres no call for that. He seems to be able to do it pretty well all by +hisself. He has em in the air most of the time when Im around. + +He kept pesterin me though till the other day I thought Id show him I +could do it. I put his front foot through the spokes of a wheel and tied +it then grabbed the back one and gave an awful heave. Its a way Ive +worked out for handlin bad horses. I figured hed have to be pretty good +to stan on one leg and kick me with the other. But when he found he +couldnt kick me he lay down on top of me. Mean, Ill tell the world. + +Now the stable sargent says I hurt the horse. Thats stable sargents all +over. If the horse had bit my head off hed have thought it was an awful +joke. All I say is that Im not as strong as a horse even if I did win a +lot of cups at high school an if I can stand on to legs a horse can to +only hes to lazy. + +Max Glucos and Angus and me goes over to see the mountin ear what sells +Bevo once in a while. Were tryin to catch him some day when hes wild. He +aint been wild so far ceptin one day when we forgot to pay him. Angus +says they only get wild certain times of the year. Angus wont drink +Bevo. He says it looks the same and tastes the same but it aint got the +same influence with him. + +The mountin ears hate niggers. This one has been tryin to get us to go +on what he calls a coon hunt ever since we been up here. Were goin with +him this week. They hunt them at night. I suppose thats so you cant see +them so well. He takes the dogs sos they can smell the coon. I guess the +mountin ears got a cold. The coon climbs a tree, then you cut the tree +down and then the coon of course has to come down to. I wonder what they +do with them when they get them. It seems foolish to go to all that +trouble when you can find a dozen of them in every little house you come +to. + +Angus has got a rubber bath tub sent him. He thinks its great cause you +can fold it so small it goes in your pocket. Who wants to carry a +bath tub in there pockets? I guess its a skotch custom. Perhaps they +take it out while there waiting for a street car and take a bath. Angus +likes it cause he can sit down in it. When he does it fits him like it +was tailor made. All the rest of the bath slides off him onto the floor +or into my shoes. + +[Illustration: "ANGUS LIKES IT CAUSE HE CAN SIT DOWN IN IT"] + +Well Mable I got to quit now and help out one of the sargents what has a +job cleanin some harness. Hes a nice fello and he asked me to come down +about two hours ago. I guess Ill go down now and see if there through. +Willin. Thats me all over. + + yours patrioticaly + + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Its so foggy that we cant fire at the range. I dont see what difference +that makes though. I havnt seen nothin since we started but a bunch of +trees in front of the guns. Im goin to rite you a letter if the top +sargent dont remember that he aint put me on no detail. We leave the +guns out all night. Just sos well have somethin more to guard I guess. +Were supposed to take turns guarding. As far as I can make out that +means me and the rest of the battery altercate every other night. I +suppose they think some of the mountin ears is goin to take one of the +guns and go drivin with it. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says they +have to guard em sos they wont go off. That sounds kind of silly to me +though, Mable. + +I been raisin a mustash. That is I was till yesterday when I cut it off +while I was shavin and thinkin of you. I was sorry cause it was comin +good. You could see it as plain as day with the naked eye. (Thats just +an expreshun, Mable.) In a couple of places I could catch hold of it. +They say nothin grows very good down here, though, but cotton. I +guess I'll wait until I get to France. + +[Illustration: "IF THE TOP SARGENT DONT REMEMBER"] + +The Lieutenant told us today that when we got over there wed all have to +read meters. I cant see what thats got to do with artillery. That used +to be Max Glucoses business though. Hes teaching me how. He thinks maybe +if we study theyll make us meter spechulists. Spechulists dont have to +get up so early. Angus says he thinks they put meters on the gas shells. +That shows how systumatic they are. + +And they say there goin to give us Infield rifles. I think they got it +mixed up with base ball. It seems as though when you join the artillery +you join everything else at the same time. I suppose the next thing +theyll do is learn us a little navigashun. + +Ive started savin again Mable for the little white house with the green +blinds. Last month I saved a dollar eighty six ($1.86). That with five +dollars ($5) I borrowed from Joe Loomis makes almost seven ($7) dollars. +I aint the kind of a fello thats always bothering his girl with money +matters. I believe in keepin business out of the home. Close. Thats me +all over, Mable. But in the bigger things I think you ought to know how +we stand. + +We may have to go at the house kind of gradual. Buy the blinds first +say. But theys one thing about it. Ive been ruffing it so long in the +army that there aint no kind of hardship thatll bother me. + +The mountin ears has funny customs, Mable, and yello dogs without any +stummucks. Angus an I was out ridin last Sunday lookin for a still an +got cold. We stopped at a cabin an a fello came out with a round hair +cut an says "Howdy boys, wont ye light an strip?" Angus says that he +didnt have no figger for that but wed come in an get warm. Eh Mable? + +Once in a while when we cant eat what the cook gives us which is most of +the time we go down the road to a mountin ears wife what makes pan +cakes. She always carries a kid under her arm like an over coat. It +looks as if the kids head was on the stove most of the time. Angus says +she greases the griddle with it. I dont know about that, but the mountin +ears is awful tough people. + +Me an some of the other fellos went to a mountin ears party in a little +town near here the other night. There was a lot of girls there with +funny noses. When they saw us they all ran in a corner and laffed at us. +That made me kind of sore cause we hadnt invited ourselves but been ast. +The lady that ast us said the girls had there old close on and was +ready for anything. We played old maid till half past nine. Then the +lady what ast us brought in a bowl of apples and our hats. She said the +girls was all nice and they couldnt galyvant round all night and get +talked about. + +[Illustration: "SHE ALWAYS CARRIES A KID UNDER HER ARM"] + +The Lieutenant told us that in a couple of weeks the whole artillery +brigade is comin up an there goin to have a garage fire. I told him if +he knew about it so far ahead that there wasnt no excuse for such a +thing. Though I should think that would be all a garage would be good +for around here. You cant tell the Lieutenant nothin though since the +Captin went to Fort Silly to learn something and left him in charge of +the battery. I think the authority has gone to his head. Angus says its +gone where its least crowded. + +I read the other day, Mable, that there makin the cups rough on the +bottom now so youll think theres sugar in them. They cant fool me +though. Quick. Thats me all over. + +Dont feel you got to stop nittin me things just because I cant use them +now. You cant tell when well have another winter. Besides it gives you +somethin to think about when you sittin talkin. + +Im sending you a new piece on the phoneygraph that I got in the ten cent +store. Its called "look out Germany, I am comin." It gives you an idea +of the way I feel. I got to stop now an go an see some fellos in another +battery. I just herd the top sargent blow his whissle. + + yours till I rite again + + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I would have rote you before this only the fellos in my tent is too tite +to buy any paper. It wouldnt take much, though, to tell you what I been +doin. If I ever rote a book about my adventures same as that fellow +Empty what rote the book called "Over the top and go to Hell" it would +run in competeshun with the Manual of Inferior Guard. Im gettin so I can +only sleep four hours at a time. The only trouble is that it works the +other way. When I do happen to miss a day not bein on guard I have to go +to sleep after I work for two hours. Of course that interferes with the +drill skedule, Mable, but you cant explain nothing to a top sargent. + +I overslept the other mornin. I didn't here the horn. I dont see how +they expect a fello to here the horn if hes a sleep. If he herd it hed +be awake. I got out before they started firin anyway. I had to go +without breakfast to do it. I wasnt goin to complain about that, though. +Soldierin every minit. Thats me all over, Mable. The Lieutenant got +awful sore. I guess he was mad cause hed got up earlier than he had to. +He said he was goin to prefer charges and asked me what I had to say. I +told him every man to his taste and if he was askin my opinion Id prefer +to go back to bed. Awful excitable fello, the Lieutenant. + +I saw a letter on the tops desk yesterday about the meddles a fello can +get now. Theys all kinds of different ones. Somes from Congress and +somes from the Ward Apartment. Im goin to rite my congresman as soon as +I finish this letter and get a bunch of them. Of course I wouldnt wear +them till I do somethin pretty good but I figure out that itll take so +long to get em over there that it would be better to get em now and take +em over with me. + +Im goin to tell the congresman to that as far as Im concerned Id like to +go to France as soon as I can. Its gettin nice and warm now for +travelin. I want to see the Champs Eliza. Thats a street in Paris that +was named after Queen Elizabeth. But thats history, Mable, I dont +suppose you understand. They tell me its even better lookin than +Broadway or Fortysecond (42nd) street. + +I saw in the Sarahcuse papers that they thought the artillery was goin +there to expand. If I expand any more, Mable, Im going to bust my belt. +I dont know why it is. I dont eat nothin outside of meal hours +exceptin a few pies and the like but I get fatter and fatter. I never +think of eatin when Im not hungry like some fellos. A fello what does +that is makin a pig out of hisself I think. + +[Illustration: "I DONT EAT NOTHIN OUTSIDE OF MEAL HOURS EXCEPTIN A FEW +PIES"] + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, was out guardin the guns with me the +other night. He went to sleep on an aunt hill. I guess the aunts thought +he was a new mountin or somethin cause they was all standin on him the +next mornin. To look at the sunrise I says, eh Mable? Angus didnt seem +to care though. He says Napoleun had the same thing happen to him and +was always tellin how an army traveled on his stummick. Nepoleun, Mable, +is the fello that Washington licked. They named that three colored ice +cream after him. + +All day long while were firin, Mable, a fello from Brigade headquarters +stands near the guns and looks through a big glass with horns on it. I +guess hes to lazy to hold it hisself so he brings out camera legs and +puts them under it. He looks through the glass and seems to see a lot of +numbers that he tells to a fello what stands beside him. I dont see +where he sees them. I looked through the glass the other day while he +was eatin lunch and I couldnt see a thing except the side of the hill. +Then he came back and looked through it and read off a string of them. +The fello beside him rites down everything he says. I looked over his +shoulder the other day. It looked more like a Jewish curse to me than +anything else. + +The Lieutenant came down the other day and told us to get all shined up +cause the Sanitary inspector was comin out to look us over. I thought +hed be all dressed up in white with white tennis shoes like fancy bakers +and sanitary barber shops. He wasnt though. He just had on a regular +uniform. I didnt think he was speshully sanitary. It may have been +sunburn though. I couldnt tell from where I stood. + +He had a fello with him they said was from the audience department. I +know now why they call it the audience department. All they do is come +round and watch us work. Thats a branch I didnt know about till after Id +joined this. + +Well, Mable, I got to quit now and go and look at the Guard rooster to +see if I answer sick call tomorrow mornin. They say the Germans is +raisin the dickins. I wish theyd hurry up and get me over there. + + yours eternally, + in haste + + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "I COULDNT SEE A THING EXCEPT THE SIDE OF THE HILL"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I thought Id rite you and let you know they wasnt nothing particular to +say. Theyve called off the firin for a few days till they can get some +more amunishun. If theyd only scatter a few Germans out there it wouldnt +be such an awful waste. Ive fired so much now I guess I could fire +anything. Tell your mother the first thing Im going to do when I get +home is fire the cook. Same old card, eh Mable? + +Its nice and warm here now. We havnt used the Sibly stove for a week +exceptin to keep our dirty wash in. An old nigger comes round once a +week and takes it out. I cant figger that nigger out, Mable. From the +looks of the wash he brings back he thinks I only got one leg and from +the looks of the bill he hands me he thinks Im a sentapeed. Angus says +hes not all there hisself. Thats why he loses so much. + +We had a boxing fight the other night. The Lieutenant says they increase +the moral. I dont think they do the non coms no good though when they +see the wallop some of the fellos in their squad has got. Joe Loomis has +been talkin so much about how he could lick the whole divishun with one +hand behind his back that we got him to go in. I put some money on him +at his advice. + +I guess he made his mistake in not tyin his hand. Somebody told me he +was fast. He was. He outran the other fello all the way. Angus says they +ought to make speshul fighting rings with banked corners sos fighters +could make better time. + +Joe thinks he won yet. He says if he hadnt slipped and fell out of the +ring on his elbow hed have nocked that fellos head offen his shoulders +so hard it would have hurt somebody. Im glad I borrowed the money I bet +on him. It might have been a total loss. + +Im going to ask the Lieutenant to make me a bugler, Mable, sos I can +find where buglers go between meals. Nobody ever sees a bugler except at +mess and on payday. Ive asked a lot of fellos but nobody knows what +becomes of them. I wouldnt want to be a bugler all the time. Its two +much strain on a fellos face. As soon as I find out where they go Ill +transfer back as a fighter. + +I went into town the other night, Mable, and went to a dinner that me +and a lot of other fellos was ast to. I sat next to a lady what didnt +seem to have much on but a lot of jewels as far as I could see. Of +course she was sittin at the table, Mable. I looked the other way all +the time I was talkin to her cause I didnt want to embarass her. I was +going to offer her my coat but I didnt see why I should take cold if she +wanted to. + +[Illustration: "HE OUTRAN THE OTHER FELLO"] + +We didnt talk much. Once she looked at me for a long time and then says +"You know, Mr. Smith, every time I take a hot bath I feel very guilty." +All I said was "Because youre not sharing it with somebody I suppose." +Then we didnt talk much again. + +There was a lady across the table with turtle-hide eye glasses what was +collectin things for the sufferin in the Palacestein. I asked her why +she didnt put an add in the paper askin everybody to send in there old +brown derbies. Nobody got it though. I was the only one at the whole +table that a got a laugh out of it. + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello was there. He says he likes that kind +of a party. He is always full of get up and go from the minute he gets +there. + +I never saw so many dying relatives in my life as is comin by telegram +every day. Have you got an epidermic or somethin up north, Mable? It +seems as if everybody I know had been home at least once to help his +grandmother die. None of em seem to care much for their relatives, +though, from the way they act when there startin home to watch them pass +away. I asked the Lieutenant for a furlo. He wouldnt give it to me. Got +it in for me just like the Captin did. I wish youd telegraph him that +you died quietly and couldnt I come up for the funeral "on or about" the +middle of the month. + +While we was firin at the range the other day a couple of fellos rode +out by the targets lookin for shells. It was the first time wed seen +anything worth while firin at. Everybody was right on there toes. I +guess the Lieutenant didnt see em though cause he had us cease firin. +Dopy. Thats the way he is all the time. I dont see how were ever going +to learn nothin if we dont ceaze our opportunities. + +I dont guess theres any use in my askin you if your havin a good time. I +dont see how you could be under the circumstances. Just make the best of +it Mable and as soon as me and the rest of the fellos can get things +straightened out Ill come back and paint the canoe again. + + until then + yours faithfully + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "I SAT NEXT TO A LADY WHAT DIDNT SEEM TO HAVE MUCH ON BUT + A LOT OF JEWELS"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I am bustin into societie up here at the range. This needent make no +difference between you and me though. There aint nothing stuck up about +me but my hair. Thats all right so long as its good and wet. Last Sunday +while I was takin a bath in a little town near here the minister ast me +to dinner. Not while I was in the tub, of course, Mable. Just after. He +ast Joe Loomis to. He had to really cause he was with me. Hes not a +regular minister. Hes got a lot of money and pointed shoes an is down in +the mountins for cronik azmuth. Awful highbrow, Mable. Dont know who +Ring Lardner is and changes the needle after every record. + +The minister has two daughters, both girls, and a wife. One of the girls +is good looking and the other is more like youd expect. I guess shes a +pillo of the church. Joe was ast for her while I amused the good looker. +Anybody but Joe could have seen that. Not him. He kept buttin in an +makin an ass of hisself. + +We was ast for dinner at hapast one. Joe thought it would be politer not +to run in an eat an run out like it was a canteen so we went a little +early. About noon. They played highbrow pieces on the phoneygraph. The +kind that has only one tune on them an cost so much that everybody has +to lissen. Joe dont know nothin about music of course. Right while K. +Russo was havin an awful time he says if theyll speed it up he like to +have a little dance. + +The minit we sat down to dinner Joe started tellin one of his stories +about how he almost got killed one time. They was all waitin for him to +shut up sos the minister could say grace before the soup got all cold. +Joe thought they were listenen to him. Thats somethin that aint ever +happened to him before. He kept draggin it out and draggin it out. The +only thing that finally stopped him was that he forgot the point. Then +the minister put his nose in his soup and began sayin grace. Joe thought +he was talkin to him and kept askin "Hows that and what say" all the +time he was prayin. + +I aint never goin out with that fello no more. I guess thats safe cause +he wont never be ast. All the time durin dinner he kept sayin, "My gawd +I hate to make such a hog of myself." Then the minister would look like +hed lost some money and my girl would giggle. The ministers wife passed +him some stuff she said was real old spider corn cake. Joe said he +didnt care how old it was. Since hed been in the army hed got sos he +could eat anything. Then he thought a while an says he guessed it must +have been a relief to the spiders to get rid of them. Nobody said +nothin. Just to show his poyse Joe took his fork out of his mouth and +speered four pieces of bread across the table. + +[Illustration: "THE MINISTER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS--BOTH GIRLS"] + +He was all for keepin the same plate through dinner and gettin up an +helpin. Said he knew what it was like to be in the kitchen on Sunday. +They forgot the coffee till dinner was over. They didn't like to waste +it I guess bein war times so the ministers wife ast us if wed like to go +into the drawin room an have it. Joe said he wasnt much at drawin but My +gawd if he sat round makin a hog of hisself any longer theyd have to +give it to him in a bed room. + +They gave us coffee in egg cups. Seein I wasnt payin for it I didnt +guess it was my place to say nothin. Manners. Thats me all over, Mable. +We got talkin about one thing and another. I was tellin them about the +war and when it was goin to end. Joe was sittin on the sofa with the +other daughter pickin the sole of his shoe. I felt sorry for him cause I +knew hed be lookin at fotygraphs pretty soon if he didnt buck up. + +The ministers wife asked me what I thought of wimmins sufrage. I said I +thought it was a good thing but you couldnt tell. Thats the beauty of +always keepin read up on these things. If you happen to get outside the +army for a little while and meet some inteligent people you can talk on +pretty near anything. Then she turned to Joe and ast how he felt. Joe +jumped like somebody sprung out at him an says "A little sick to my +stummick thanks but thatll be all right as soon as things set a bit." + +The good lookin one said she thought our officers was awful cute. I +guess she never seen our Lieutenant. She said she just couldnt resist +them. I says, quick without thinkin it up "Of course, its against the +law to resist an officer." That got them all laffin an they forgot Joe +for a little while. + +Both the daughters sang a duette. Joe says that was the best thing about +it. They got through twice as quick. We got laffin so hard that I says I +guess wed have to go sos to be in time for mess. Then Joe got awful +polite and backed over a rubber plant an says "My gawd excuse me." He +wont never be ast again. + +Ive been wonderin for a long time, Mable, why the audience officers all +wear spurs. They dont ever ride a horse of course. I ast Angus +MacKenzie, the skotch fello, the other day and he says its to keep +there feet from slidin off the desk. Aint that a funny custom? + +[Illustration: "THEY GAVE US COFFEE IN EGG CUPS"] + +I guess were goin to begin shootin again pretty soon. The Lieutenant +says the artillery is goin to have a Brigade problem and the infantry is +comin up from camp for it. I guess well all take a lot more interest in +the shootin if theres somethin worth while to fire at. + + yours in spite of better things + _Bill_. + +P.S. Joe Loomis just got a letter that smelt and what do you suppose, +Mable? It was from the goodlookin daughter askin him to come over to +dinner next Sunday all alone. I guess there not as high brow as I +thought. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were back from shootin at the range. We ended up by firin at the +infantry. That was what they was talkin about when they said there was +goin to be a garage fire. Thats the army all over, Mable. Tecknickle. +The firin was a total failure, Mable. We fired at the range for three +months an never hit it. That aint surprisin cause I never see nothin +except some trees in front of the guns and we always fired over those. +When they finally got wise and put some infantry out there for us to +fire at we missed them absolutely. Fired everythin in front of them. + +Dont say nothin about this cause it might get into the papers and cheer +up the Kizer. Its all the Captins falt. I guess he thought he had an +Aunty Air Kraft battery. That fello comes from Far Rockaway and he lives +in the last house. + +The last mornin we fired the Lieutenant says I was battery agent. It +seemed kind of silly to me to bother about sellin stuff while we was +firin but thats the Lieutenant. He got away before I could ask him what +I was to sell. I bought a lot of pop and crackers and stuff and tried to +sell em to the fellos, while they was firin. The first sargent +wouldnt let me. I told him I was battery agent but not him. That fello +wont have to wear no steel helmut when he gets to France. I ate it all +myself. + +[Illustration: "THE FIRST SARGENT WOULDNT LET ME"] + +If the Lieutenant is goin to keep me as battery agent now were back Im +goin to ask him if I cant rig up a little office. I wouldnt be surprised +if they had me up in Washington pretty soon. Lots of the fellos say they +ought to send me somewhere. Im ritin up to N. Y. where theres a place +where they make sofa pillos with fellos goin over the top on em and gold +rings with your girls name on em free for a dollar twenty ($1.20). + +The last week on the range we lived in pup tents. A pup tent Mable is +like the roof of a dog house without the house. They call em pup tents +cause no one but a very young dog would be fool enough to sleep under +one. There made out of a couple of pieces of stuff like what you make +porus nit underclothes out of. You button em together if theres any +buttons. It dont make much difference as far as keepin the rain out is +concerned. The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it. + +I guess these pup tents we got is an old issue what was wished on us by +the Japaneze army. When an ordinary sized fello lies down in one (and +thats all you can do in em) hes out doors from the nees down. The Major +came round Sunday night. I guess he made a mistake and thought it was +Saturday. Theres a rule that Majors only come round on Saturday cause +they bother the men. The Major says "I guess well blow taps an hour +early tonight cause the men is all in." An I says back right out loud +"There aint anybody goin to get all in these things, you big overgrown +boob," only he happened to be away down the street and didnt hear me. It +didnt make no difference to me though. I said it anyway. High spirited. +Thats me all over, Mable. + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says that these is skotch pup tents. +The skotch he says dont ever wear nothin below the nees. I guess Angus +aint a pure skot though cause I heard him and Joe Loomis arguin this +mornin cause Angus had swiped Joes horse blanket to wrap round his legs. + +It rained for three days before we left. You could have squoze water out +of my pistol, Mable. They say a fello is two thirds water anyway. I bet +I was 99 and ninety nine 100 per cent pure, eh Mable? + +Monday mornin we hiked back to camp. They got us up so early I thought +they was blowin taps. The Lieutenant was awful sore. I guess a drop +of water came through his tent somewhere during the night and lit on +him. He looks at me and says "As you were, Smith." All I says was "Ill +never be again, Lieutenant." + +[Illustration: "THE ONLY THING THEY DO TO THE RAIN IS TO STRAIN IT"] + +They made me a driver the last minit on the hike comin home. I guess +there breakin me in to every place sos they can let the rest of the +battery home on furlo and let me do all the work, from the looks of it. +They showed me two horses hitched to the gun and told me they was mine. +Right away I seen that the right hand horse was all hitched up and there +wasnt nobody there to ride him. So when the sargent says he was all +ready I says "No we aint. I aint goin till the fello what rides this +horse is here. Theres enough favorites being played in the battery now." + +That showed the Lieutenant where I stood. He said the fello what usually +drove the horse was on speshul duty coilin up firin lines. When he put +it that way I agreed to lead the right hand horse in to camp. Angus says +they call the right hand horse the off horse because the fello what +rides him is always off doin somethin else. He aint the only fello whats +off round here though. I can tell you that, Mable. + +Theres a roomor around here that were going to Honey Lulu. Joe Loomis +has sent for his Ukaylaly. Angus says hes orderin a grass cutter to +take with him sos he can make hisself one of those grass suits over +there. I guess the next time I rite it will be from there. + + yours till then + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I guess I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth though up to now I +thought Id swallowed it. I told you Id make you happy some day. Now Im +going to. Im comin home on a furlo. + +I always wished theyd kristened me somethin besides Smith till now. +Theres a fello named Patrick Smith what lives two tents down with a red +nose and hair that hangs down under his hat. His mother rote the Captin +an said she was dyin. She said she didnt expect to live more than +forty-eight (48) hours or however long it took for her son to get home. + +The Captin thought it was me. He called me up an says "Smith your mother +is sinkin rapidly." I couldnt believe that though cause she woudnt never +go near any place where they was water. Then he read me the letter. I +knew right away it was Patrick Smith's mother cause he was figurin last +week on the most likely one to kill off sos he could get home. + +I never let on though. Quick. Thats me all over, Mable. I says "Gee, +thats to bad" like I was all broke up. And then I said "Shes the only +mother I ever had Captin." I said it so sad that I almost got myself +cryin. An the Captin says "Well Smith, you been workin pretty hard an +need a change. Ill give you a ten day furlo to go home to the funeral." +Nice fello the Captin when you get to know him. + +Im comin up Mable just as soon as I can borrow enough close and the +like. It seemed to me when I used to lay out my stuff for inspeckshun +Saturday mornins that I had enough junk to equip the draft army. I just +been lookin over my stuff to find somethin to wear home. It makes a +fello feel half nakid. + +Im going to borrow the money to buy my railroad ticket so you see the +trip aint going to cost me a cent. I bet youll be glad to have someone +round who aint skared to change a quarter once in a while. + +Its kind of hard to get a suitcase. Theres only one in the battery. The +fello what owns it says its made the trip north 25 times. From the looks +of it hes modest. Else the last fello tied it to the end of the train +and let it drag all the way. I guess I can fix it with rope though. + +Then Joe Loomis has a uniform that he paid fifteen dollars ($15) for. It +looks like an officers unless you wear it in the rain. Joes in the guard +house so Im going to take it an not say nothin. I guess Joe'd do the +same for a pal. Besides he aint got no kick comin cause theres a rule +that we cant speak to prisoners. + +Joe got put in the guard house for burnin down the stable tent where +they keep the horses serial. He was sittin in the stable tent while he +was on stable guard catchin a smoke. Stable guard is a kind of night +bell hop and chamber maid to the horses. He heard the Officer of the Day +comin and stuck his cigaret but in an oat bag. Then the whole thing +burnt down. Angus MacKenzie says thats what he gets for hidin his light +under a bushel. Thats a skotch joke though. I guess you wouldnt get it. + +Angus is lendin me a pair of spiral puttys. A spiral putty is a flannel +bandage what you wind round your leg sos nobody cant see that the +buttons is offen your trouser legs. The fello what made em must have had +queer legs cause when you get to the top there aint no place to fasten +them. I guess they were built for fellos that was goin to stand still. +As soon as you move they unwind and drag in the dust till a horse steps +on one of them. Then you do em up again. + +I started savin thrift stamps. I got pretty near two books full. Angus +says its got it all over United Segar cupons. When you get enough you +get some dandy things. I wrote the premium department at Wash. D. C. +for one of their catalogs. I want to get a mandolin as soon as I get +enough. Joe Loomis is savin for a Ukaylaly. I hope it takes more stamps +than he can ever save. + +Were getting some new draft men now. Between you an me there an awful +dum bunch. They dont know the difference between squads right and fall +in. I dont see how fellos can live as long as they have an not know +these simple things. + +A few of them is Jewish fellos from New York. All they think about is +how they can get some post cards of the camp and sell em to the fellos. +A couple of them sold there equipment the minit they was issued it. +Angus says one of them was on guard the other night and a fello came a +long. He stopped him and says "Halt, whose there?" an the fellow says +"Friend." An he says "Advance, friend, an give the discount." Youd +hardly believe that, Mable. But bein a girl I suppose you would, not +knowin nothin about the military. + +So I aint goin to rite you no more cause theres no sense ridin up on the +train with my own letters. I got a lower bunk all hired. Im goin to have +it made up before we leave the station an I aint goin to get up till we +pull into Philopolis. If the fello in the upper bunk aint got sense +enough to stay in bed he can sit on the edge of the bunk and whissle +for all I care. An the lord help the porter if he calls me cause he aint +no first sargent an Id just as soon tell him so. Frank. Thats me all +over, Mable. + +[Illustration: "I JUST FOUND YOUR PICTUR AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BARRACK +BAG"] + +I suppose your father and mother will be tickled to see me. Theyll think +Im comin home to marry you. I guess you know I would if I had time. +Besides I dont believe in gettin married before the war cause like as +not Ill be killed. I dont want you to worry though or nothin like that. +Youd be in a nice mess then though with your fathers liver on your hands +an no visibul means of support. + +I got to stop now an borrow some money to come home on. I think Pat +Smiths got some. Hed be awful sore if he knew I was goin home on his +furlo. + +I just found your pictur at the bottom of my barrack bag. It gave me an +awful shock first. Then I remembered that my hob-nailed shoes had been +sittin on it. I wouldnt care though even if you did look like that. +Sense before beauty. Thats me all over, Mable. + + yours till I see you + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +This is the last time Ill take my pen in hand to rite for some time. I +aint allowed to tell you why. + +This letters got to be awful short cause I aint allowed to say nothin. +Theres so many spize round listenin that I aint even allowed to tell you +that we got our orders an were goin to F----e. Were goin to fight the +G----s. + +I aint even allowed to tell you how were goin except that its by boat. +Even thats awful confidenshul. If the spize heard about it theyd +probably blow up all the boats sos to make sure of gettin the right one. + +Angus says the top sargents got orders to take us right into the front +line trenches. I guess there goin to try an finish this thing up right +away. I guess Ill probably get killed pretty quick. Ill feel a lot +better if I know your not worryin an thinkin of me lyin mortaly wounded +in a shell hole as I probably shall be. + +An so now I cant come home on my furlo, Mable. I knew the Captin had a +string tied to it somewhere. If theres any way of gettin into heaven +that fello will slip through or Im mistaken. Of course I wanted to see +you but on the other hand I saved a lot of money. Just as soon as I get +mortally wounded Im going to rite a book about my sensashuns an then +come back an lecture about it. I guess I wont be gone long. + +Well, Mable, there finally wakin up to themselves. I guess the war wont +last much longer now. Or me either, eh Mable? Some day when one of those +big G----n shells lands on my nap-sack Ill be able to really rite you an +say "Thats me all over, Mable." Please dont worry about me. + + Yours till you here the worst + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I take up my pen to rite you. From the way I feel I dont think Ill be +takin things up much longer. Im on a boat now. They say we are goin to +France but we been goin two days now and I aint seen no land yet. Joe +Loomis thinks that theres German proper gander in it. He says that they +got us out here and there goin to keep us goin round and round till the +wars over. + +It seems kind of silly to rite you cause I cant mail this till I get to +France. It wont be no use then cause by the looks of things now Ill +probably be flirting with a couple of mermaids in Davy Jones Lock Up +long before that. Thats a naughty call joke though, Mable. You wouldnt +understand it. + +As far as I can find out there sending the whole army over on this ship. +Most of them sleeps in the room with me from the noise. They got it +fixed up cozy like an opium den or a morgue. There piled up three high +and the only thing that stops them there is the roof. + +Were on a German boat. I bet it makes them sore Mable to see one of +there own boats bringin over fellos like me. The Germans is peculiar +people. They got sines all over the boat. On some of the doors upstairs +they got Herren painted. Youd never catch an American boat carryin fish +right on the passenger floor. On some of the other doors they got sines +what says Bad. I guess they run out of these before they came to the +place where I sleep. It dont seem reasonable to let fish have a room +with mahogohuny doors and a fello with two legs sleepin where I do. Some +of the rooms has Damen rote on them. Joe Loomis what lives on the canvas +above me says thats the only German he ever agreed with. + +I aint been really sick yet. I aint give up hopes though. Angus +MacKenzie, the skotch fello, got so worried because he felt all right +that he went up to see the doctor this mornin. + +I cant rite much cause the Captin told us the centsor would read our +letters. I dont know who he is. I guess hes a German. Of course hell +read em if we dont seal em. + +I guess well get blown up before we go much further. I dont want you to +worry though. I just menshun it. You got enough on your hands with your +father in bed with his liver again and me not around to cheer you up. + + Yours to the last bubble + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were all balled up. There aint no doubt now that its German Proper +Gander workin. We been runnin three days now and no sign of land yet. I +wouldnt be surprised if we woke up some mornin in Chickawgo or some +other place on the Specific coast. I aint sick yet. I dont seem to need +as much food as I used to, though. + +Im gettin on to this naughty call stuff fast. Quick. Thats me all over, +Mable. Theres a few things about the boat though that I dont know yet. +For instance they got pipes comin out of the deck all over like Sibly +stoves upside down. I thought they was for rubbish. I was just remarkin +to Joe Loomis how neat they was to have such things. We was makin a +point of pickin up everything we saw and firin it down them. Then one of +the ships officers came along and you'd ought to have herd him. Youd +have thought we was tryin to blow up the old tug, instead of keepin it +clean for him. He said the funnels was for carryin fresh air to the mens +quarters. I says I guessed the one that carried air down to our +quarters got clogged before we started. + +[ILLUSTRATION: "I DONT SEEM TO NEED AS MUCH FOOD AS I USED TO"] + +They close all the windows every night. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch +fello, says that sos the Germans wont fire torpetoes through the windows +and land on our beds. Thats a jokin way he has of speakin of the pieces +of canvas we sleep on. + +Were havin a race with another boat. Its awful close. We been racin now +ever since we started and neither of us has gained yet. I here the +engineers has a bet of five dollars on who gets in first. I dont know +who can be on the other boat cause we got the whole army on ours. + +Well, Mable, I got to quit now cause were liable to be sub-marined and +blown to pieces any minit. I want to get this off before we sink. + +Dont worry about me. + + Yours till I touch bottom + _Bill_. + + + MARCONIGRAM + + WORLD WIDE WIRELESS + + CONTINENT TO CONTINENT + SHORE TO SHIP + SHIP TO SHIP + + MARCONI TELEGRAPH--CABLE CO INC. + IN CONNECTION WITH + MARCONI WIRELESS TELEGRAPH COMPANY + OF AMERICA + + Received at Philopolis + + Dere Mable + + Not feelin well today so am sendin + this instead of ritin. Aint seasick. Just + somethin the matter with my stummick. Angus + MacKenzie, skotch fello says thats me all + over, Mable. I says its all over with me. + Bright and funny to the last. Eh, Mable. + Guess we'll all be sunk soon now. Itll be + a change to have something goin down. I + cant say any more cause this is costin me + 1 dollar ($1) a word. Wouldnt have said + this much but I borrowed the money from Joe + Loomis. Hed have spent it for somethin + foolish anyhow. + + Yours through all ups and downs + Bill + + +_Dere Mable_: + +No land yet. If wed been goin in a straight line wed have passed N. Y. +twice by this time, I suppose theyll keep us goin round in circles like +this till the wars over. Joe Loomis says its three thousand (3000) miles +across. Thats silly though. It aint as far as that from N. Y. to +Chickawgo. + +My room is way down stairs in the sub cellar. All there is between me +and the bottom of the sea is the floor. If theyd stuck me down any +further it wouldnt have been such a long drop at that. Each fello has a +little blue padded straight jacket to wear while hes sinkin. There awful +heavy. I guess there to keep us warm while were drownin. Joe Loomis says +there to pull us down quick sos we dont suffer. The Captin says today +that when we sink all men gets into rowboats and the officers hang on to +rafts. Theres somethin wrong somewhere. I been lookin over the rowboats +to see whats the matter with them. + +They got a lot of skotch fellos on board. I dont know where they came +from. Joe Loomis says they aint pure cause they dont wear ribbons on +their bonnets and do wear pants. But he aint got no call to talk about +pure skots. + +We all got issued tin hats before we left. I guess theyll give us sheet +iron underclose next. It takes a long time to wear a tin hat without +hurtin yourself. If you move quick it slides down over your eyes and +bursts you in the nose. Thats why they charge in a walk I guess. They +got muskito nettin inside sos it wont hurt your head. If you take that +out it makes a good wash basin or a mess kit. Joe Loomis and Angus got +arguin yesterday, Joe claimin that they was no good and Angus claimin +that you couldnt hurt a guy what had one on. Angus got so sore he bet a +quarter. To decide it Joe put on his hat and let Angus hit him on the +bean with a piece of lead pipe. Joe always was lucky. He won the quarter +and now hes livin on A deck where the hospital is. An the Dr. says he +aint got a chance of dyin which is more than most of us can say. I guess +theyll sink us today. I got to quit now. + + Yours till the third time down, + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Were in the same place we was yesterday. Id know it now with my eyes +shut. It looks like we was movin but Joe Loomis says thats just the +water goin past the boats. A fello told me we was in the Gulf stream. If +we are its some creek cause you cant see no banks. + +We been on four days now. Im beginnin to feel like the Ainshunt Mourner. +We lie round on the floor of one of the lower piazzas all day and read +books from the library. Most of them is about the lives of fellos whats +dead. That aint right for a bunch what expects to be with em any minit. + +Once a day we go up on one of the upper piazzas to exercise. A fello +might as well try to swing indiun clubs on the five o'clock subway. The +only exercise you can do without knockin off the head of the fello next +to you is eyes right and eyes left. + +The Captin is always talkin about goin below. Seein how we all may any +minit, it aint no time for jokin about it. He says to me yesterday +"Smith, fix me up a list of spaces for all my men down below." Aint +that the Captin all over, Mable? He wont be satisfied till he has em all +tagged and numbered and doing squads east and west in Davy Jones Lock +Up. + +Joe Loomis has his girls pictur pasted on the back of his tin lookin +glass. He lies on his bunk all day gapin at it. Some fellos make awful +asses of themselves about there girls. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch +fello, had the mirror shavin the other day. It swung round while he +wasnt lookin and when he looked in it again he got an awful start. + +They havnt sunk us yet. I guess there just foolin with us. Perhaps it +will happen today. Dont worry though. + + Yours till you here otherwise + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "JOE LOOMIS"] + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I feel the same way the Knights of Columbus must have felt when they was +discoverin North America. Just sailin round in circles and wishin they +had never left N. Y. Were goin through an awful bumpy part of the ocean +now. Joe Loomis says theres a lot of traffic through here and these big +boats cuts it all up. Thats how ignorant that fello is, Mable. Its +gettin colder all the time to. I wouldnt be surprised if we had got +turned north by mistake and would land up in Labordoor or somethin. + +One of the boat officers is called the Executioner Officer. Every day +most he comes round and says its half an hour earlier than it is. Thats +the way those fellos use there awthority. Nobody dasnt contradict them. +I guess thats the way these boats make records so often, Mable. When +they see they aint goin to make a record they just shove the clock back. +Id go over in nothin if I was the Captin and get it over with quick. I +wish I could have made contracks like that when I was home. If a fello +came to me and says "Your contrack is up today" Id just look at him and +say "You must be mistaken. This is yesterday." Joe Loomis has it figured +out that if we keep on losing time well get there last winter. + +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says theres no danger in that though, +cause if they ever find themselves workin back towards last pay day +theyll go ahead for a while. + +Angus says that every time they set us back half an hour the government +skins every man out of pretty near a nickul. It aint the money, Mable. A +nickul never meant nothin to me one way or the other as you ought to +know better than any one. Isnt it a cheap way to Whoverize though? + +Joe says that if it keeps on bein as cold as this he aint goin to get +off when they sink us. He says he rather stay down in the bedrooms and +be drowned than get all wet with that ice water and then have a cold for +the rest of the war. + +Well, Mable, I got to quit now. A fighter needs a lot of sleep. + + Yours till the war ends + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin round somethin awful all +mornin. Theres always some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said +nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, is watchin. When we +catch him you bet well give him whats what. + +While we was snoopin round we just discovered somethin awful. All the +life rafts what the officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The +water would come right through. As soon as we find the fello whats +rockin the boat were goin to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell +make us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. A fello told me they +threw these rafts over the side when the ship was sinkin. As far as I +can see if a fello is lucky enough to get off the old tub they fling one +of these on his bean. Im going to wear my tin hat you bet. + +They got a bunch of ropes hangin with knots on them along the sides from +the top floor down to the water. A fello told me they was to climb down +when all the rowboats was gone. Some fellos is in an awful hurry to get +drowned. If there bound to crown me with a seaweed wreath Im goin to +keep em waitin as long as I can. The fello what hung em must have had +arms like a munkey cause there hangin about six feet from the side. + +These Germans must have been awful tanks, Mable. They got one whole +floor they call saloon deck. Of course the saloons is gone now. When +they made the ship over they had to get rid of all the luxuries to make +room. They got the bars out of the saloons and the officers eat there. + +A fello came down stairs the other night and told us about the war. He +said we was all comin over to fight to make the world safe for the +Democrats. If thats the case Mable your father must be an ailin enemy. + +Well, Mable, they tell us that if we aint sunk pretty soon were goin to +get there. I guess then I wont be able to rite you for a few days cause +itll take me a little while to get settled in the trenches and get my +dug out fixed up nice. I hope they give us a part of the line near the +station cause I dont like those troop trains. + + Yours till I write again + _Bill_. + + +_Dere Mable_: + +I thought the fishes would be buildin nests in my ears long before I +rote this. What do you suppose has happened? I wont ever be able to look +you in the face again. Were right near land and aint so much as seen a +Perryskope. An here I been runnin round in my Drowning Jacket for seven +days like a fello wearin his shroud down to his office a week before he +dies. I hope you aint bragged too much about it or theyll have the laugh +on you. I feel kind of cheap but you really cant blame me. I took these +other fellos word for it. + +I aint the only goat thats been wearin my Drowning Jacket round though. +They all had to and most of them slept in them. The tailor what designed +these must have been a boiler maker once. If there vests there too short +an if there coats where is the sleeves? They got a hump runnin down the +backbone. I know now how a horse feels when he tries to roll over. +Besides the Jackets, they made us carry round a tin bottle of water on a +string all the time. I suppose if there was not enough water to drown +us all we could empty out these. + +Were just a few miles off shore, but I cant tell you just where. This is +partly because I dont know. Joe Loomis says were comin into London, but +Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says it aint London. He thinks its +Paris. I dont think so though cause if it was youd see the Ethel Tower. + +You want to be careful when you address letters to me. If you address me +too plain there liable to get to me and you cant tell who might be +lookin. About all you can say on the address as far as I can find out is +Bill Smith, A. E. F., which means Am Expecting Flowers. + +I got to quit now cause were gettin near shore and the Sanitary Officer +ast me to help him sweep out the boat when the other fellos is gone. Of +course I said I would. Obligin. Thats me all over, Mable. As soon as I +get ashore Im going to buy one of them John Brown belts you here so much +about. I dont know when Ill be able to write to you again cause I +understand theres a battle on now so I guess Ill be pretty busy for some +time to come. + + Yours till I rite again, + _Bill_. + +[Illustration: "THE TAILOR MUST HAVE BEEN A BOILER MAKER ONCE"] + + +MABLE TO BILL + +_Dearest William_: + +Your letter received and contents noted. Through Spiritual Channels you +have been with me ever since the momentous day we parted, and all I can +say is, "May God in His infinite mercy watch over and take care of you, +until you have been delivered safely into my arms." + + Ever Thine, + _Mable_. + +P.S.--_Bill_: + +Am going round with a new swell John and he writ this fer me. Itll make +the fellos think Im a swell dame when you show it to them. Tear off this +p. s. part. What's the matter, are you broke? You dont put no more +stamps on your letters. Rite again. + + Yours as long as you stay away, + _Mable_. + + +DERE MABLE + +LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE By Lieut. EDWARD STREETER + +The best selling book of 1918, 550,000 in 8 months. For genuine humor +nothing written in recent years surpasses these letters from a "simple +soldier" to his best girl. Read them--and live with the rookie through +all his perplexities, through all his amusements, through all his work, +live with him and laugh with him--and at him! + +With 35 illustrations by Corp. "BILL" BRECK Boards, 12mo, net 75c + + +_The Navy "Dere Mable"_ BILTMORE OSWALD The Diary of a Hapless Recruit +By J. THORNE SMITH, Jr., C.B.M., U.S.N.R.F. + +This book does for the Navy fledgling what DERE MABLE does for the +rookie of the Army. It is the veracious record of the haps and mishaps +of a verdant land-lubber plunged into a whirl of unfamiliar duties at +Pelham Bay, as told by a recruit who has been through the mill. His +experience are one long riot of laughter--no one with a son or a brother +or a sweetheart in the Service will want to miss it and no one who is a +recruit himself can afford to miss it. + +With 31 illustrations by Dick Dorgan, U.S.N.R.F. Boards, 12mo, uniform +with DERE MABLE, net 75c. + + Publishers FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY New York + + +READ AND LAUGH! + +_Dere Mable_ + +LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE By E. STREETER + + +_Written and illustrated by two men of the 27th Division while at Camp +Wadsworth_ + +15TH PRINTING, COMPLETING 550,000 + + +One Long Riot of Laughter + +Biltmore Oswald + +_The_ DIARY OF A HAPLESS RECRUIT _by_ J THORN SMITH U.S.N.R.F. + + +Written and illustrated by two men of the U. S. Naval Reserve Force at +the Pelham Bay Training Station. + + +[Illustration: "'Do you enlist for foreign service?' he snapped. 'Sure,' +I replied, 'it will all be foreign to me.'" + +(_Illustration from "Biltmore Oswald."_)] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE"*** + + +******* This file should be named 37561.txt or 37561.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/7/5/6/37561 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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