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diff --git a/37560.txt b/37560.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4396a1a --- /dev/null +++ b/37560.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1752 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, +September 9, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, September 9, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 29, 2011 [EBook #37560] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, SEPT 9, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, September 9th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +A BROWN STUDY IN AUTUMN TINTS. + +(_Being a Fragment from a Matter-of-fact Romance._) + +And he walked along the deserted streets and could see no one. Here +and there would be a pile of stones and wooden blocks, telling of +an impeded thoroughfare, but the place itself was empty. There were +seemingly no inhabitants in this deserted city. They had vanished into +thin, or, rather, murky air. + +Then he looked at what appeared to be a playhouse. The doors were +closed, and the bill-boards were pasted over with blue paper. +Evidently the portals of the theatre had not been open for weeks, +perchance for months. + +And it was the same in the parks. Only the leaves moved, and then only +when the wind agitated them. There were a few sparrows in the trees, +but they seemed to be ashamed of themselves, and chirruped (so to +speak) with bated breath. Oh it was indeed a scene of desolation. + +And the shops, too! Many of them were closed, and those which were +open seemed to be tenantless. There were no customers; no counter +attendants. Trade seemed to be as dead as the proverbial door-nail. + +And the hoardings too! Even they had suffered. Old posters, manifestly +out of date, fluttered in tatters; it had been no one's business to +restore the rotting paper, and it had gone the way of other grass. The +placards were worse than useless; they could not be deciphered. + +And yet again he marched on. There were exhibitions, and no one to see +them; museums, and no visitors to inspect them; and churches, and +no one to fill them. At length he came upon a guardian of the public +peace who was lazily gazing into the sluggish river over the parapet +of an embankment. + +"Good sir," said he, "can you tell me if this dreadful, lonely, +deserted place is the City of the Dead?" + +"Go along with you!" cried the policeman, good-humouredly; "it's only +London in September!" + +And then he felt that he had been deceived by appearances! + + * * * * * + +History Repeats Itself Again. + + ["The alleged unemployed who assemble on Tower Hill are + becoming worse even than mountebanks. One of the speakers + declared yesterday that 'The secret societies of London are + going to-night to wait on Mr. GLADSTONE, to ask what he is + going to do. If the PRIME MINISTER does not give a definite + reply, they will take him on their backs and throw him into + the Thames.'"--_The Daily Telegraph, Sept. 1._] + + The _genius loci_ haunts + Historic Tower Hill, + For, judging by their vaunts, + Men lose their heads there still. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MINOR ILLS OF LIFE. + +PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN ATTEMPTING TO REGAIN HIS TENT AFTER THE +MORNING BATH.] + + * * * * * + +JABEZWOCKY. + + ["In the House of Lords a Bill strengthening the power of + making Directors liable in respect of misconduct or neglect + in the winding-up of Companies passed its second + reading."--_Daily Paper._] + + 'Twas Ruin! And the Small Invest- + -Ors gyred and gimbled in despair; + Common as dirt were Shareholders, + But assets very rare! + + "Beware the Jabezwock, my Lord! + The jaws that bite, the claws that dig; + Beware the Hobbs-hobbs bird, and shun + The saintly Guinea-pig!" + + The Peer set out, his Bill in hand; + He had to be extremely leary + In tackling such an artful foe, + Whose weapon was _Suppressio Veri_! + + And as he mused o'er blighted lives, + The Jabezwock, as yet unfloored, + Came snuffling piously to join + A meeting of its Board. + + One, two! One, two! And through and through + All stages passed the Bill like winking; + And this is what the Peers just then + Most probably were thinking:-- + + "And have we scotched the Jabezwock, + And spoiled him of his false Prospectus! + O frabjous day! What Rad will say + That from this House he'd now eject us?" + + 'Twas Ruin ruined! And the dupes + Quite chortled such a sight to see; + The smug Director brought to book + Near to the Dividend Tree! + + * * * * * + +NEW NURSERY RHYME. + +(_By a Sporting M.P._) + + ["Official opinion will be, and indeed has been, brought to + bear upon Mr. HANBURY and his small knot of obstructionists + to avert an unreasonable discussion of the Estimates."--_Daily + Chronicle._] + + Autumn Session? Of course! + Isn't HANBURY cross + To see the Grand Old Man + So ride the high horse? + But why should _we_ linger + Afar from the grouse, + To help the obstructives + Discredit the House? + + * * * * * + +BARNETT OF BRISTOL CITY. + +_A Song of St. Jude's._ + + [The Rev. S. A. BARNETT, late Vicar of St. Jude's, + Whitechapel, has been promoted to the Canonry of Bristol.] + +AIR--"_Nancy of Bristol City._" + + BARNETT is Canon of Bristol City! + Pass the news around, my boys! + To leave Whitechapel seems half a pity; + Sorrow will go round, my boys! + St. Jude's, and thy great Hall, Toynbee, + Some right good Christians doubtless see; + But they're all small shakes along o' _he!_ + Pass his health around, my boys! + BARNETT! BARNETT! + Well did he "arn" it-- + That Bristol Canonree! + + And when he gets to Bristol City, + Pass the cheers around, my boys! + He'll draw the wise, the kind, the pretty; + They _must_ gather round, my boys. + The slum he sweetened in London's east, + With Charity's boon, and Fine Arts' feast, + Will miss this good, sage, gentle priest; + Pass his health around, my boys! + BARNETT! BARNETT! + Your loss we'll larn it, + You were the Man for _we_! + _Your health, where'er you be!_ + + * * * * * + +_NOUS_ AND NERVES. + + [It is said by some of his friends that Dr. CHARCOT, lately + dead, who spent a considerable part of his life in the study + of neurosis, found this disease everywhere at last, especially + in the naturalistic school of French writers.] + + If this Neurosis, + As some suppose, is + The _causa causans_ of Naturalism, + The spring ubiquitous + Of aught iniquitous + That puts 'twixt genius and sense a schism; + Then must we pray + For the dawn of a day + When the Glorious Gift that the world so serves + May cut chlorosis, + And shun neurosis; + In fact, that Genius may have no "nerves." + + * * * * * + +"READY, AYE READY!" + +(_A Sailor Song Up to Date._) + +[Illustration: _Master John Bull._ "JUST YOU WAIT TWO OR THREE YEARS, +TILL I MAKE HER SWIM,--THEN _I'LL_ SHOW YOU!"] + + [Sir EDWARD REED said that with the armoured citadel intact, + and an unarmoured end destroyed, the ship is in imminent + danger of upsetting. The _Victoria_ was bound to capsize with + the injury she received. There were other ships that were + equally bound to capsize, when they were injured in the same + manner; the reason being that instead of the armed citadel + being the major part of the structure, and the unarmoured ends + the minor portion, we had chosen to make the unarmoured ends + the major part, measuring more than half the entire length of + the ship. The ships likely to capsize in a similar manner, + if they received like injury in peace or in action, were + the _Agamemnon_, _Ajax_, _Anson_, _Benbow_, _Camperdown_, + _Collingwood_, _Colossus_, _Edinburgh_, _Howe_, _Inflexible_, + _Rodney_, and _Sans Pareil_.] + +AIR--"_Hearts of Oak._" + + Come, cheer up, my lads! 'tis to Davy we steer! + (We add to his Locker 'bout one ship per year.) + To capsizing we call you in cheeriest staves, + For what is so certain as death 'neath the waves? + Iron coffins our ships, + Death-doomed tars are our men. + Our ships are unsteady! + Ready, aye ready! + We'll sink or turn turtle again and again! + + We ne'er see our ships (for which millions they pay), + The _Ajax_, the _Anson_, and such, but we say, + "Will they ram, or capsize, or but run slap ashore? + When we go to the bottom JOHN BULL must--build more!" + Iron coffins our ships, &c. + + Our _Camperdowns_, _Collingwoods_, _Rodneys_, _Benbows_, + REED says are all "dangerous"--_not_ to our foes! + If struck in their unarmoured ends they turn o'er, + And go to the bottom! How DAVY must roar! + Iron coffins our ships, &c. + + The Frenchy and Rooshian must laugh as they look, + And see JOHN BULL trying, by hook or by crook, + To get his tin-kettles to keep right side up, + Agin touch of a ram, agin tap of a Krupp! + Iron coffins our ships, &c. + + "Just wait two or three years," grumbles JOHN, "and _I'll_ show, + _If my ships will but swim_, I can still whop the foe. + Stop a bit--whilst my big-wigs build, blunder, debate!" + Ah! that's all mighty fine, but, my JOHN, _will_ they wait? + Iron coffins our ships, &c. + + Britannia triumphant we all wish to see, + Quite equal to two foreign fleets, perhaps three; + So cheer up, my hearties, and banish your fears! + They will build us a ship as _will_ float--in three years! + +(_Meanwhile, my lads, "chorus as before," if you please, until further +orders from our Naval Oracles!_) + + Iron, coffins our ships, + DAVY'S wictims our men; + In wessels unsteady, + We're ready, aye ready, + To sink or turn turtle again and again! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PART II. THE LOWER CREATION--SEEKING FOR A JOB.] + + * * * * * + +SONNET. + +(_By a Failure._) + + Why + Long, + Strong + Sigh? + I + _Wrong_ + Song + Try! + + Ne'er + Muse + Dare + Use + Worse + Verse!! + + * * * * * + +FROM COLCHESTER.--The oysters are trembling in their beds. On October +6th the Duke of CAMBRIDGE is expected to attack the natives at +Colchester in full force. Last year, when Sir D. EVANS was in the +chair at the banquet, 20,000 oysters were consumed! Good EVANS!! + + * * * * * + +A VERY ANNOYING STREAM.--The River _Tees_. + + * * * * * + +LETTERS FOR THE SILLY SEASON. + +(_Apparently intended for some of our Contemporaries._) + +SIR,--Of course I do not wish to be frivolous, but do you not think +that "_lovely_," "_too sweet_," "_quite too darling_," and other +expressions in italics are miss-used words? At any rate, they are +constantly in the mouths of my daughters and nieces. + + Yours truly, + PATERFAMILIAS. + +SIR,--I give a list of misused words that have occurred to me during +a month on the Continent. I put the words I consider inappropriately +applied in italics. Paris is _inexpensive_, Boulogne is _beautiful_, +Cologne is _inodorous_, German cookery is _good_, 'ARRY on his travels +is _pleasant_, garlic is _agreeable_, hotel charges in Italy +are _moderate_, railway travelling in Belgium is _expeditious_, +washing-basins in Swiss hotels are _large_, a rough passage across the +Channel is _delightful_, and the Continent is _like_ home. + +I could extend the list indefinitely, but have written enough to show +how imperfect the English language really is to convey accurately +one's most ordinary ideas. I may add that when I have used and not +misused words, I have been told that I have no right to swear--so what +_can_ I do? + + Yours truly, + COMMON SENSE. + +SIR,--I am glad to see that there is a correspondence upon misused +words. However, I can say that such words as "excellent," "admirable," +"wonderful," "splendid," and "glorious," are _not_ misused when +applied to ----.* Thanking you in advance, + + I remain, yours truly, + PUFF PUFF. + + * Editorially suppressed. Applications for insertion of + advertisements should be addressed to another quarter. + + * * * * * + +AN OLD DOGGEREL COUPLET RE-DRESSED. + + [M. ZOLA is understood to have accepted an invitation to the + Institute of Journalists' Conference in London.] + +Fairer subject never rose our graphic pens to task all, +Than the presence (and paper) amidst the Children of Letters, the + new Grub Street geniuses, the Poets and Press-men and penny-a-liners, + the Sages and "all the rages," the Naturalistic Novelists + and New Humourists, the literary "Strong Men" and Anti-Sentimentalists, + the Impressionists and Symbolists, and Stylists, + and Superior Sniffers, and "Manly" Muse-hunters, and Man-despising + Mugwumps, and Minor Minstrels and Minor-Minstrel-flouters, + and would-be Laureates, and would-be-laureate-exterminators, + and Mummer-Idolators and Mummer-Iconoclasts, and + Up-to-date Oracles, and _Fin-de-siecle_ obscurantists, of the + pyramidal author of _Dr. Pascal_! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO OF OUR MILITARY AUTHORITIES.--"Put up your Dukes!" + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +[Illustration: "How shall I ever tell Cornelia?"] + +SCENE I.--_A decorously-furnished Drawing-room, at Hornbeam Lodge, +Clapham, the residence of_ THEOPHILUS TOOVEY, Esq. _It is Sunday +evening._ Mr. TOOVEY, _an elderly Gentleman with a high forehead, +a rabbit mouth, and a long but somewhat wispy beard, is discovered +sitting alone with a suitable book, upon which he is endeavouring to +fix his thoughts, apparently without success._ + +_Mr. Toovey (reading)._ "With what a mixture of indescribable emotions +did I find myself actually standing upon the very brink ----" (_To +himself, as he puts the volume down_) It's no use, I can't concentrate +my mind on Palestine to-night, I can't forget this horrible +"Eldorado." Ever since I got that official warrant, or demand, or +whatever it was, yesterday, I've been haunted by the name. It seems +to meet me everywhere; even on the very hoardings! Why, _why_ didn't I +invest Aunt ELIZA'S legacy in consols, as CORNELIA told me, instead +of putting it into a gold-mine? I think LARKINS said it was a +_gold_-mine. If only I had never met him that day last year--but he +seemed to think he was doing me such a favour in letting me have some +of his shares at all; he'd been allotted more than he wanted, he told +me, and he was so confident the Company was going to be a success that +I--and now, after hearing nothing all this time, I'm suddenly called +upon to pay a hundred and seventy-five pounds, and that's only for one +half year, as far as I can make out.... How can I draw a cheque for +all that without CORNELIA finding out? I never dared tell her, and she +overlooks all my accounts. Why did I, who have never been a follower +after Mammon, fall so easily into that accursed mine? I am no business +man. All the time I was a partner in that floorcloth factory, I +never interfered in the conduct of it, beyond signing my name +occasionally--which was all they allowed me to do--and they took the +earliest opportunity of buying me out. And yet I must needs go +and speculate with Aunt ELIZA'S five hundred pounds, and--what is +worse--lose every penny, and more! I, a Churchwarden, looked up to by +every member of an Evangelical congregation, the head of a household +like this!... How shall I ever tell CORNELIA? And yet I must--I never +had a secret from her in my life. I shall know no peace till I have +confessed all. I _will_ confess--this very night--when we are alone. +If I could speak to CHARLES first, or to that young Mr. CURPHEW--they +will both be here to supper--and CHARLES is in a Solicitor's office. +But my nephew is too young, and Mr. CURPHEW, though he _is_ a +journalist, is wise and serious beyond his years--and if, as CORNELIA +thinks, he is beginning to feel a tenderness for ALTHEA, why, it might +cause him to reconsider his---- No, I can't tell anyone but my wife. +(_Sounds are heard in the hall._) There they are!--they are back from +Church--already! (_He catches up his book._) I must try to be calm. +She must not notice anything at present! + +_Mrs. T. (outside)._ I've left my things downstairs, PH[OE]BE; you can +take them up to my room. (_Entering._) Well, Pa, I hope you feel less +poorly than you did, after your quiet evening at home? + +_Mr. T. (flurried)._ Yes, my love, yes. I--I've had a peaceful time +with _Peregrinations in Palestine_. A--a most absorbing book, my love. + +_Mrs. T._ You would find it more absorbing, Pa, if you held it the +right way up. You've been asleep! + +_Mr. T._ No, indeed, I only wish I--that is--I may have dropped off +for a moment. + +_Charles (who has followed his Aunt)._ You wouldn't have had much +chance of doing that if you'd been at Church, Uncle! + +_Mrs. T._ No, indeed. Mr. POWLES preached a most awakening discourse, +which I am glad to find CHARLES appreciated. + +_Charles._ I meant the cushion in your pew, Uncle; you ought to have +it restuffed. It's like sitting on a bag of mixed biscuits! + +_Mrs. T._ We do not go to Church to be _comfortable_, CHARLES. Pa, +Mr. POWLES alluded very powerfully, from the pulpit, to the recent +commercial disasters, and the sinfulness of speculation in professing +Christians. I wish you could have heard him. + +_Mr. T. (squirming)._ A--a deprivation indeed, my love. But I was +better at home--better at home. + +_Mrs. T._ You will have other opportunities; he announces a course of +weekday addresses, at the Mission Rooms, on "The Thin End of the Wedge +of Achan." CHARLES, I gave you one of the circulars to carry for me. +Where is it? + +_Charles._ In my overcoat, I think, Aunt. Shall I go and get it? + +[ALTHEA _enters_. + +_Mrs. T._ Not now; I haven't my spectacles by me. THEA, did you tell +PH[OE]BE to pack your trunk the first thing to-morrow? + +_Althea._ Yes, Mamma; but there is plenty of time. CECILIA doesn't +expect me till the afternoon. + +_Charles._ So THEA's going up to town for a few days' spree, eh, Aunt +CORNELIA? + +_Mrs. T. (severely)._ Your cousin is going on a visit to a married +schoolfellow, who is her senior by two or three years, and who, I +understand, was the most exemplary pupil Miss PRUINS ever had. I have +no doubt Mrs. MERRIDEW will take ALTHEA to such entertainments as are +fit and proper for her--picture-galleries, museums, concerts, possibly +a lecture--but I should not describe that myself as a "spree." + +_Charles._ No more should I, Aunt, not by any means. + +_Mrs. T._ I never met this Mrs. MERRIDEW, but I was favourably +impressed by the way she wrote. A very sensible letter. + +_Alth. (to herself)._ Except the postscript. But I didn't like to show +Mamma that! + +_Charles._ But you'll go to a theatre or two, or a dance, or +something, while you're with her, won't you? + +[ALTHEA _tries to signal to him to be silent_. + +_Mrs. T._ CHARLES, you forget where you are. A daughter of ours +set foot in a playhouse! Surely you know your Uncle's objection to +anything in the nature of a theatrical entertainment? Did he not +write and threaten to resign the Vice-Presidency of the Lower Clapham +Athenaeum at the mere hint of a performance of scenes from some play by +that dissolute writer SHERIDAN--even without costumes and scenery? His +protest was most admirably worded. I remember I drafted it myself. + +_Mr. T. (with some complacency)._ Yes, yes, I've always been extremely +firm on that subject, and also on the dangers of dancing--indeed, +I have almost succeeded in putting an entire stop to the children +dancing to piano-organs in the streets of this neighbourhood--a most +reprehensible custom! + +_Mrs. T._ Yes, THEOPHILIUS, and you might have stopped it long before +you did, if you had taken my suggestion earlier. I hope I am not +to infer, from your manner, that you are yourself addicted to these +so-called pleasures, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Dancing in the street to a piano-organ, Aunt? Never did +such a thing in my life! + +_Mrs. T._ That was not my meaning, CHARLES, as you very well know. +I hope you employ your evenings in improving your knowledge of your +profession. I should be sorry to think you frequented theatres. + +_Charles (demurely)._ Theatres? rather not, Aunt, never go near 'em. +(_To himself._) Catch me going where I can't smoke! (_Aloud._) +You see, when a fellow has lodgings in a nice cheerful street in +Bloomsbury, it isn't likely he'd want to turn out of an evening after +sticking hard at the office all day! + +_Mrs. T._ I am glad to hear you say so, CHARLES. It is quite a mistake +for a young man to think he cannot do without amusement. Your Uncle +never thought of amusing himself when he was young--or our married +life would not be what it is. And look at Mr. CURPHEW, who is coming +in to supper to-night, see how hard _he_ works--up to town every +afternoon, and not back till long after midnight. [_The bell rings._ + +_Charles._ Rather queer hours to work, Aunt. Are you sure he doesn't +go up just to read the paper? + +_Althea (with a slight flush)._ He goes up to _write_ it, CHARLES. Mr. +CURPHEW is on the press, and has taken rooms here for the air of the +Common. And--and he is very clever, and works very hard indeed; you +can see that from his looks. + +_Ph[oe]be (announcing)._ Mr. CURPHEW. + +[_A tall slim young man enters, with a pale, smooth-shaven face, and +rather melancholy eyes, which light up as he greets_ ALTHEA. + +_Mrs. T._ How do you do, Mr. CURPHEW? You are a little late--but some +services last longer than others. Oh, PH[OE]BE, now I think of it, +just bring me a paper you will find in one of the pockets of Mr. +COLLIMORE'S overcoat; it's hanging up in the hall--the drab one with +grey velvet on the collar. (PH[OE]BE _goes_.) It's a circular, Mr. +CURPHEW, which was given out in our Church this evening, and may +interest you to see. + +_Ph[oe]be (returning)._ If you please, m'm, this is the only paper I +could find. + +_Mrs. T. (taking it from the salver, without looking at it)._ Quite +right, PH[OE]BE--we shall be ready for supper when I ring. (_When_ +PH[OE]BE _has gone_.) I can't see anything without my---- ALTHEA, just +go and see if I have left my spectacle-case in my room, my dear. It's +astonishing how they're always getting mislaid, and I'm so helpless +without them. (ALTHEA _goes_.) Mr. CURPHEW, perhaps you will read this +aloud for me; I want my husband to hear. + +_Curphew (suppressing a slight start)._ May I ask if they distribute +papers of this sort at your Church--and--and why you think it is +likely to interest me in particular? (_To himself._) Wonder if this +can be a trap! + +_Mrs. T. (taking back the document, and holding it close to her +nose)._ Gracious goodness! _this_ isn't the---- CHARLES, perhaps you +will explain how you come to have a paper in your pocket covered with +pictures of females in shamelessly short skirts? + +_Charles (to himself)._ In for a pie-jaw this time! What an owl that +girl is! (_Aloud._) It's only a programme, Aunt; thing they give you +at a music-hall, you know. + +_Mrs. T. (in an awful voice)._ Only a programme! Pa, tell this unhappy +boy your opinion of his conduct! + +_Mr. T. (rising magisterially)._ CHARLES, am I to understand that a +nephew of mine allows himself to be seen in a disreputable resort such +as---- + +_Charles._ Oh come, Uncle, you can't know much about the Eldorado, +if---- + +_Mr. T. (with a bound)._ _The Eldorado._ How _dare_ you bring that +name up here, Sir? What do you mean by it? + +_Charles (surprised)._ Why, you must have heard of it--it's one of the +leading music-halls. + +_Mr. T. (gasping)._ A music-hall? the Eldorado! (_To himself._) If it +should turn out to be--but no, my nerves are upset, it _can't_ be--and +yet--what _am_ I to say to him? + +[_He falls back into his chair with a groan._ + +_Mrs. T._ CHARLES, if you can stand there and feel no shame when +you see how disturbed and disgusted even Mr. CURPHEW looks, and the +agitated state to which you have reduced your poor Uncle, you must +indeed be hardened! + +[CURPHEW _has considerately walked to the window_; Mr. TOOVEY +_endeavours to collect his faculties_; CHARLES _looks from one to the +other in bewilderment_. + +END OF SCENE I. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMETHING WRONG SOMEWHERE. + +_September 1. Partridge Shooting._ + +_Old Twentystun (reviewing his symptoms)._ "DEAR ME! MOS' +'STRAORDINARY, THIS SHORTNESS O' BREATH. LE' ME SEE--'GOOD PLAIN +FOOD AND BEST QUALITY O' DRINK,' DOCTOR SAID. THA 'S ALL RIGHT--NEVER +STINTED MYSELF FOR EITHER. 'NEVER OVERDO YOURSELF,' SAYS HE. HAVEN'T. +NEVER WALKED A STEP IF I COULD HELP IT SINCE LAST SEASON. 'GO TO BED +EARLY.' SO I HAVE, AND NEVER HURRIED UP EITHER. MOS' 'STRAORDINARY! +MOS' 'STRAORDINARY!" [_Goes home to consult Doctor again._] + + * * * * * + +YORKSHIRE VICTOR. + + Farewell to eminence attained of yore, + Great Surrey heads the County list no more! + For though you give a RICHARDSON or HAYWARD, + Dame Fortune still _will_ be a trifle wayward; + Though _one_ was sorely missed, and surely no man + Can tell where they'd have been if they'd had LOHMANN. + Surrey has had (like every dog) its day, + In 1893, perforce, makes way + For sturdy Yorkshire. _Mr. Punch_ admires + This famous county of the Northern Shires. + For many a season past the worst of luck + Has dogged their steps, though not decreased their pluck; + And though each cricketer may have his likes, + There's not a man who'll not say--Well-played, Tykes! + + * * * * * + +COPHETUA, L.C.C. + +Mr. GRANT ALLEN charges London with being "a squalid village." Sir +LEPEL GRIFFIN suggests that the "Postprandial Philosopher" must have +been dining badly. He--Sir LEPEL--contends that "Like the beggar-maid +in Mr. BURNE-JONES'S picture, London is a beautiful woman, fair of +face and noble of form, and only needs the transforming hand of some +future King COPHETUA to strip her of her sordid rags, and clothe her +in the lustrous raiment which befits her." This is what 'ARRY would +call "the straight Griffin"! By all means make COPHETUA Chairman of +the London County Council--as soon as you find him! Sir LEPEL, instead +of joining in the parrot-chorus of disparagement, actually says, "The +best hope of the regeneration of London is in the County Council"!!! +He thinks "it is a mistake" to distrust them, and would hand over to +them (says the _Daily Chronicle_) most of the machinery and material +of our municipal life. Quite so. And as the Gryphon (which is much the +same thing as Griffin) said to the Mock Turtle (suggestive this of the +Civic Corporation), in _Alice in Wonderland_, _Punch_ would say to Sir +LEPEL or his problematic COPHETUA, "Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all +day about it!" + +When ALICE ventured to say she had never heard of "Uglification," the +Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. "What! Never heard +of uglifying!" it exclaimed. "You know what to beautify is, +I suppose?"--"Yes," said ALICE, doubtfully; "it +means--to--make--anything--prettier."--"Well, then," the GRYPHON (who +must have been a Postprandial Philosopher, surely) went on, "if you +don't know what to uglify is, you _must_ be a simpleton." + +By the way, why should not Sir LEPEL himself essay the _role_ of +King COPHETUA, L.C.C., and help to beautify the modern Babylonian +beggar-maid? He says that "the general administration of London is +infinitely mean and inefficient," adding that "vested interests are +chiefly to blame for the national disgrace." Very well. Let Sir LEPEL +help to give those same Vested Interests "vun in the veskit," squelch +the Jerry Builder, and arrest the march of "Uglification," and +then--why then London will, as in duty bound, erect _his_ statue in +place, and on the site of, that other, and very different "Griffin," +which is the very incarnation of Uglification, and material embodiment +of B[oe]otian Bumbledom! + + * * * * * + +NOT THE GIRL FOR HOT WEATHER.--One who "makes sunshine in a shady +place." + + * * * * * + +LITTLE BILL-EE. + +(_Latest House of Lords' Version of Thackeray's Song._) + + There were three sailors of London City, + Who took a boat and went to sea: + There was guzzling BOB and gorging HARTY, + And the youngest--he was Little BILL-EE! + + Poor Little BILL-EE was but a sailor-boy, + And a very hard time in sooth had he. + With a rope's-end he was fully familiar, + And a marline-spike he shuddered to see. + + He had sailed in the ship of one Captain WILLYUM. + Who had taught him sailing, and algebree, + The use of the sextant, and navigation, + Likewise the hornpipe, and fiddle-de-dee. + + The Captain's pet for a long, long voyage + Had been this sailor-boy Little BILL-EE; + Though some of the crew of the same were jealous, + And larruped him sore--on the strict Q.T. + + But being paid off from WILLYUM'S wessel, + The kid was kidnapped, and taken to sea + By guzzling BOB and gorging HARTY, + Who had long had their eye on poor Little BILL-EE. + + For guzzling BOB hated Captain WILLYUM, + While gorging HARTY--well, there, you see, + _He_'d been WILLYUM'S mate, but had cut the connection, + And he couldn't abide poor Little BILL-EE. + + * * * * * + + Poor Little BILL-EE, he shrank and shuddered + At going aboard; for he says, says he-- + "When they get me aloft they will spifflicate me, + And there'll be an end of poor little BILL-EE!" + + Which same seemed a sad foregone conclusion, + Though Captain WILLYUM he skipped with glee, + And cried, "Little BILL-EE, keep up your pecker! + You shall yet be the Captain of a Seventy-three!" + + * * * * * + + Now, to keep up your pecker with naught to peck at + Is mighty hard, as a fool may see; + And BOB and HARTY (who loved not short commons) + Cast eager eyes upon Little BILL-EE. + + Says guzzling BOB to gorging HARTY, + "I am extremely hungaree;" + To guzzling BOB says gorging HARTY, + "Let's make a breakfast of Little BILL-EE. + + "He's got no friends--that are worth the mention; + He'll never be missed by his countaree, + He is a noosance, he'll be a riddance, + And we'll both get thanked for devouring he." + + To guzzling BOB says gorging HARTY, + "On this here pint we both agree-- + This precious Bill _must_ be spifflicated, + And we're both hungry, so let's eat he!" + + * * * * * + + "Oh, BILL-EE! we're going to kill and eat you, + So undo the button of your chemie!" + When BILL received this information, + He used his pocket-handkerchie. + + First let me say my Apologia, + Which Capting WILLYUM taught to me! + "Make haste, make haste!" says gorging HARTY, + While BOB pulled out his snickersee. + + * * * * * + + It's "a norrible tale," and I scarce feel equal + To telling it all as 'twas told to me. + Some other day you may learn the sequel + Of the sorrowful story of Little BILL-EE! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT. + +WHY NOT IMPORT A BRIGADE OF RESPECTABLE "_CHIFFONNIERS_" FROM PARIS, +AND LET THEM LOOSE ON HAMPSTEAD HEATH AFTER A BANK HOLIDAY?] + + * * * * * + +TRUE FRENCH POLITENESS. + +(_A Conversation not entirely Imaginary in Siamese Territory._) + +SCENE--_A Palace. Present, a swarthy_ Sovereign _and Smiling_ +Negociator. + +_Negociator._ Sorry to trouble you again, your Majesty, but there are +just a few supplementary matters that require settlement. + +_Sovereign._ Why, surely your ultimatum has deprived me of everything? + +_Neg._ Oh, dear no! For instance, you have foreign advisers. + +_Sov._ And I presume I may act upon their advice? + +_Neg._ Well, yes; only it will be necessary to send them back to +Europe, and then stop their letters. + +_Sov._ But this will be exceedingly arbitrary treatment. + +_Neg._ Do you think so? Well, at any rate it will be better than a +bombardment of your capital. + +_Sov._ Have you any other demand to make? + +_Neg._ Scarcely worth mentioning. But we must insist that in future +all work must be given to artisans of our nationality. + +_Sov._ And every other kind of contract? + +_Neg._ That follows as a natural sequence. + +_Sov._ Would you like anything more? + +_Neg._ Not only like, but insist upon having it. You must surrender +your forts, disband your army, and dispose of your fleet. + +_Sov._ Come, that's impossible! + +_Neg._ Not at all. It is a course I would strongly recommend if you +want to keep your throne, and your subjects desire to preserve their +lives. + +_Sov._ Can you suggest anything else? + +_Neg._ We never suggest. We order. Well, yes, you will do nothing +without our approval, or it will be the worse for you. + +_Sov._ Why, this is absolute bullying! + +_Neg._ Pray don't say that, your Majesty. Although I speak plainly, I +wish to treat you with every respect. + +_Sov._ But if you have left me nothing, I may as well abdicate in your +favour. Shall I? + +NEG. You will do as you like, your Majesty. My instructions are to +treat your will as law. I have no wish to control your actions, as I +accept you as the constitutional sovereign of an independent state. +Do what you please, and what pleases you will please me also. My +instructions are to give you entire freedom of action--so long as that +freedom chimes in with our requirements! + +[_Scene closes upon the pleasing proceedings._ + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.--Mr. BIGG STUFFER writes to us, "I see the +Princess and her daughters visited the grandest gorge in Norway. Well, +after a day's touring with my friend GRUBBER, I think the pair of us +will show any traveller about the biggest gorge anywhere." + +[Illustration: LITTLE BILL-EE! + +(_After Thackeray._) + + "OH, BILL-EE! WE'RE GOING TO KILL AND EAT YOU, + SO UNDO THE BUTTON OF YOUR CHEMIE." + WHEN BILL RECEIVED THIS INFORMATION, + HE USED HIS POCKET-HANDKERCHIE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ABSTRACT AND THE CONCRETE. + +_Mamma (solemnly)._ + + "'BUT HE LAY LIKE A WARRIOR TAKING HIS REST, + WITH HIS MARTIAL CLOAK AROUND HIM.'" + +_Small Child._ "AND DID HE _REALLY_ GET IT FROM MARSHALL AND +SNELGROVE'S, MUMMY?"] + + * * * * * + +AN OLD "ADELPHI TRIUMPH!" + +Passing through town from one country place to another. Sparse +attendance at club. Am regarded with surprise by the few members +present, all anxious to explain why it is they are not out of London. +"Autumn Session" splendid excuse for everybody generally. "Compelled +to stop in town, dear boy. Autumn Session, dash it!" "But you're not +in the House." "No," is the ready rejoinder, "if I were I would 'pair' +and fly to the moors. But business connected with the House" (this +given with that mysterious nod and wink which together, or apart, are +accounted as equally intelligible to a blind horse), "business, my +dear chap, detains me." Great chance for the club bore to get an +audience of one. The Ancient Mariner's time is in the dead season, +when he can stop the shootist _en route._ I am wary, and avoid him. +I will dine earlyish, and go to--let me see, what hospitable house +of theatrical entertainment is open? The Adelphi. Here I can see _A +Woman's Revenge_, as written by HENRY PETTITT. Quite so. Dine at 6.30, +and see it all out, as I hear the final scene, an Old Bailey Trial, +realistic to the last degree, is the great attraction. Clearly to +understand the pleadings on behalf of the prisoner at the Bar I must +be conversant with the details of the entire story. By 8.10 I am in +my seat, regretting the loss of ten minutes' worth of the plot. Regret +soon ceases on finding that I am among old friends acting a story more +or less familiar to every playgoer. The house is literally crowded in +every part, and this, too, on a far from cold night at the very end of +August. Town may be empty, but the Adelphi is full, and "The Heavenly +Twins," the Messrs. GATTI, must be rejoicing greatly. + +For a cool, calm, calculating villain, recommend me to Mr. CHARLES +CARTWRIGHT, the very best of gentlemanly scoundrels of modern +melodrama. He is admirable: but directly the honest, outspoken Adelphi +audience nose his villainy he has a bad time of it, as no matter what +he may say or do, no matter whether he speaks slowly or quickly, runs +off, saunters off, lounges in or hurries in, he is at once met, and so +to speak "countered," by a storm of fiercely indignant hisses. Surely +an actor whose _role_ is sheer villainy of the deepest dye must be +able to command enormous terms, seeing what a long training it must +require to arrive at taking cursing for compliments! An Adelphi +audience personally hate and detest the stage villain, but for all +that, they couldn't do without him, any more than can the melodramatic +author or the Messrs. GATTI. + +After _the_ villain, who certainly holds the first place in popular +unpopularity, comes the Heroic Boy, CHARLES WARNER, all heartiness and +simplicity, a very "bounding Achilles;" and next to him, the suffering +heroine who defends herself with a revolver, who is finally charged +with murder, and gallantly defended by the Heroic Boy, who, attired in +wig, gown, and bands, appears in the last scene of all that ends this +eventful his'tory as Counsel for the Defence, pleading for his +wife before a full court, much less crowded than is the Old Bailey +generally, and apparently far loftier, and much better ventilated. The +case does not attract considerable public attention, as there is only +a sparse attendance of nobodies in the gallery. Throughout the drama +Mr. GARDINER and Miss FANNY BROUGH capitally represent the comic +interest, which is brightly written, and "goes" uncommonly well. + +The other scoundrel is only young in his villainy--a mere amateur as +compared with Mr. CHARLES CARTWRIGHT, and were it not for the things +he does and says, he might at any moment be taken for a comedian +neither light nor eccentric, but a fairly all-round and superior +sort of "CHARLES his friend," whose lines fall in pleasant places as +feeders. Poor Junior Scoundrel! from the first he has no chance of +appearing either gay or light-hearted, as he is invariably at the +mercy of the Senior Rascal, and is finally shot by his own revolver +which, after being used against him on several occasions, for the poor +Junior Rascal never has a chance with it himself, falls into the hands +of aforementioned Senior Rascal, and so he goes to his dramatic grave +without having had one solitary opportunity of making a light and airy +speech, or doing anything to bring down the house. He comes in for his +share of the hissing, poor fellow! as does also Miss ALMA STANLEY, in +the costume of a kind of Madame Mephistopheles--a female villain of +the deepest scarlet and black dye. She, too, is one of the trio only +created to be hooted at by an enthusiastically virtuous public. This +monster of female depravity, however, is not a bad sort, and shows +some signs of repentance--a repentance not too late, though it is +deferred till 10.50, when it just comes in time to assist the plot and +unite two loving hearts. + +There is a clever child in the story; far and away the best child +I remember to have seen, since the child in _A Man's Shadow_ at the +Haymarket, who also figured in a trial and gave evidence against a +father (or mother, I forget which). There was another wise child who +did much the same sort of thing and got its own father convicted in +_Proof_, also at the Adelphi. As to the trial scene (which seems to +lack SULLIVAN'S setting of GILBERT'S words), it seemed to me that Mr. +WARNER was counsel, witnesses, prosecutor, and defender, all in one, +and, even considering the peculiar circumstances of the case, anyone, +from a purely professional point of view, would be inclined to blame +the presiding judge, Mr. HOWARD RUSSELL, for such an exhibition of +Job-like patience, and for his quite unexampled toleration of an +advocate's irregularities. However, his summing up was a model of +conciseness and brevity, as it took for granted the jury's perfect +knowledge of facts and law, and its delivery occupied just about +a couple of minutes. Had Mr. WARNER been the judge, and Mr. HOWARD +RUSSELL the counsel, the above-mentioned allotment of time would, +probably, have been reversed. The jury, an intelligent-looking set +of men, utterly belied their appearance by acquitting the prisoner in +face of the most damning circumstantial evidence. But as it was +close on ten minutes past eleven, and as the author had provided no +sensational incident to follow, and had given no Fifth Act to finish +with, the decision of the Jury was much applauded by the crowded +audience in the auditorium, which then began to clear out, highly +satisfied with the excellent bill of fare provided for them by +Messieurs GATTI, the worthy restaurateurs of the old Adelphi Drama. + + * * * * * + +AN M. P-ERRUQUIER.--M. CHAUVIN, the theatrical perruquier, the +CLARKSON of the Theatre Francais, has been recently elected Deputy for +St. Denis. He will not neglect his business, but will get up all the +heads of his parliamentary discourses in the afternoon, and be ready +to "get up" the heads of the house of MOLIERE in the evening. To +those who oppose him in political matters he is prepared, without any +hair-splitting, to give a regular good wigging all round. Should "our +Mr. CLARKSON" stand for some constituency and be elected, he would of +course appear in the House as the representative of the old Whigs. + + * * * * * + +HIS TWO RELIGIONS.--Though "Mr. G." is a sound Church-of-England man, +yet has he recently shown himself an uncommonly strict Muzzle-man. + + * * * * * + +JOHN BULL'S NAVAL VADE MECUM. + +(_Prepared for his use by the Authorities at the Admiralty._) + +_Question._ Does not England possess the best possible fleet? + +_Answer._ Certainly, and always has enjoyed that advantage. + +_Q._ But do not the iron-clads comprising this fleet frequently turn +turtle? + +_A._ Assuredly. In fact, whenever they have the smallest opportunity. + +_Q._ And do not the guns with which the ships are armed occasionally +burst? + +_A._ Not only occasionally, but frequently. + +_Q._ And are not the commanders of the fleet sometimes guilty of +errors of judgment? + +_A._ To be sure, and sometimes these errors of judgment lead to +absolute disaster. + +_Q._ And are not the ships considerably undermanned and some of the +companies of inferior material? + +_A._ Quite so. In fact, when there is a special strain--man[oe]uvres +on a large scale, or for a kindred reason--crews have to be obtained +from here, there, and everywhere. + +_Q._ And is it not quite a question whether some dozen of our +first-rate men-of-war are practically valueless? + +_A._ Well, scarcely a question, because it is all but certain that +they are practically valueless. + +_Q._ And isn't there bullying in the _Britannia_, and a general laxity +in the training of young officers to take important commands? + +_A._ Yes, but this is a matter of small importance, as all naval +officers are merely machines, and have no right to think or act on +their own responsibility. + +_Q._ And does not a commander-in-chief sometimes make a grave +and obvious mistake, and do not all his subordinates, knowing the +consequences, implicitly obey him? + +_A._ Of course, for this is the rule of the service. + +_Q._ And is it not a fact that the navy is in want of the appliances +to repair ships that have suffered damage abroad? + +_A._ Assuredly. + +_Q._ And is not our officers' acquaintance with the characteristics of +the sea rather indefinite and distinctly limited? + +_A._ It is bound to be with defective charts and other false guides to +naval knowledge. + +_Q._ Then may it be justly assumed that we cannot count upon our +ships, guns, and commanders? + +_A._ Why, certainly. + +_Q._ And yet you declare that England possesses the best possible +fleet? + +_A._ I do, and the little drawbacks I have admitted have no force in +qualifying the assertion. + +_Q._ Why have they not? + +_A._ Because all the drawbacks exist in the piping times of peace, and +consequently the British navy will prove its superiority in the more +dangerous days of war. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROMISING WITNESS! + +_Scotch Counsel (addressing an Old Woman in a case before Judge and +Jury)._ "PRAY, MY GOOD WOMAN, DO YOU KEEP A DIARY?" + +_Witness._ "NAW, SIR, I KUPS A WHUSKEY SHOP!"] + + * * * * * + +NEW KING COAL CORRECTED. + +In the sub-heading of _Mr. Punch's_ Up-to-Date Nursery Rhyme, "New +King COAL" (August 19, p. 74), a very obvious error was made in +speaking of the colliers of Northumberland and Durham as "on strike," +when in fact they were only "considering the advisability" of joining +their Welsh "brothers" and Midland "mates" in a collective stand +against the coal-owners. Since then, _Mr. Punch_ is glad to know, they +have "thought better of it," and have _not_ joined the strike--having, +perhaps, given "thoughtful consideration" to _Mr. Punch's_ friendly +conundrum. "The bearings" of the New Nursery Rhyme "lie in its +application," and are not altered by the writer's slip of the pen, to +which, however, _Mr. Punch_ thanks various vigilant readers for, very +properly, calling his attention. + + To the men's Federation 'twas _Punchius_ spoke: + "The Capitalist can drink fizz and can smoke; + And why should a lad who has eyes and can see, + Follow fools like a lamb, and lose much _L_ _s._ _d._ + Northumberland, Durham decline to come forth. + When strikes suit the south they may not suit the north; + So let every man who loves honour and right, + Essay _Arbitration_ in lieu of brute fight!" + + * * * * * + +NO DOUBT OF IT.--Of course the admission detracts from our "LIKA +JOKO'S" artistic skill, but evidently Mr. SWIFT-TO-AVENGE MACNEILL is +a person very easily "drawn." + + * * * * * + +Coal Mine Owners have no big difficulties to contend with; in this +life they have only to meet _miner_ troubles. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday._--In Committee of Supply at last; Home-Rule +Bill laid aside for day or two awaiting Third Reading. Meanwhile +trifle of ten millions to be voted for the Navy. Members generally, +taking into account the long grind of the Session, regard opportunity +as favourable for making little holiday. Benches occupied chiefly with +Admirals, Captains, Secretaries to the Admiralty and ex-Secretaries, +with the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER and his predecessor thrown in; +also ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, silent through debate on Home-Rule Bill, has a +few words to say. Imposing demonstration on bench behind ex-Ministers. +HANBURY in corner seat representing Youth at the Prow; at the other +end sits Experience at the Helm, the part taken (not for this time +only) by TOMMY BOWLES. Midway sits the Blameless Blushing BARTLEY. +Always blameless. To-night blushing, since Mr. G., accidentally as +casual observers take it, with prophetic soul as one of his hearers +well knows, referred to him just now as "the honourable baronet." +Effect upon BARTLEY striking and wholesome. Did not once thereafter, +up till stroke of midnight, open his lips. Sat in pleased meditation, +brooding over the prospect of a censorious world, some day in the +near future, hailing him as B. B. K., a title assumed by the Unhappy +Nobleman who long ago languished from the public ken. + +After midnight spell broken; BARTLEY, Bart., woke up, vigorously and +indiscriminately objecting to progress with any business on paper. +Meantime HANBURY and TOMMY had made up for any remissness on part of +their esteemed colleague. TOMMY arrived early on the scene, deck-laden +with cargo of Blue Books and Reports; sufficient in weight and bulk to +sink a less trim-built wherry. + +[Illustration: DOOMED!] Piled them up on either side of him. "In +laager," as UGHTRED SHUTTLEWORTH ruefully said, glancing across the +table at his adversary. + +[Illustration: Bowles as the Walrus.] + +"Have looked forward to this day with keen anticipation," said TOMMY. +"Have dropped a word in season occasionally in debate on Home-Rule +Bill, I admit. But it's to Committee of Supply I have looked forward +for full opportunity of serving my QUEEN and country. Now here we +are in Supply, and here we rest for a week or two. I feel like the +Walrus." + +"How's that?" I asked, fearing for a moment that much talking had made +TOMMY mad. + +"Don't you remember? Haven't you been _Through a Looking-Glass?_ + + 'The time has come,' the Walrus said, + 'To talk of many things: + Of shoes, and sticks, and sealing-wax, + Of cabbages, and kings. + And why the sea is boiling hot-- + And whether pigs have wings.' + +You bet that somewhere in the icy north that Walrus had been +accustomed to sit on the Opposition benches in Committee of Supply. +Couldn't otherwise have so accurately described situation." + +_Business done._--In Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday._--BURNIE burning with curiosity to know whether 'tis true, +as boldly rumoured, that Duke of CONNAUGHT has been appointed to +chief command of Army at Aldershot? If so, on what grounds? +CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN with strategic brevity answered that appointment +had been made in accordance with principle of selection of the +fittest. House, moderately full at moment, received the explanation +with much less enthusiasm than might have been expected. This +encouraged gentlemen below gangway to persist in divers enquiries +designed to illustrate, and perchance establish, C.-B.'s position. +ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS joined in hunt; particularly anxious to know what +experience in real fighting the new Commander had enjoyed? "He was +in command of brigade in Egyptian expedition," said C.-B., making an +involuntary sword-pass at ALPHEUS. + +"Yes," persisted that matter-of-fact person; "but will the right hon. +gentleman tell us how near or how far away from the real fighting the +Duke of CONNAUGHT stood?" + +No authentic record being in archives of War Office, SECRETARY OF +STATE declined to commit himself to reply. Later, in Committee, +ALPHEUS staggered Civil Lord of the Admiralty with enquiry as to +steam-launch built at Portsmouth dockyard for Duke of CONNAUGHT "at +the expense of the people." "What has become of that launch?" ALPHEUS +asked, fixing ROBERTSON with gleaming eye, as if he suspected he might +have it concealed somewhere about his person. ROBERTSON tremblingly +answered that he knew nothing about it. ALPHEUS not by any means +mollified; means to bring up whole subject in Committee on Army +Estimates. + +_Business done._--Over four millions voted on Navy Estimates by some +twenty or thirty Members representing House of Commons. + +_Wednesday._--Mr. G. made fine speech to-day, moving Third Reading of +Home-Rule Bill. Benefited immensely by compression; only an hour long; +but full of meat and matter. Long grown accustomed to these supreme +efforts of Perennial Youth. A series this Session which, in respect of +eloquence, vitality, and force, will stand comparison with any equal +number delivered in what was (erroneously it now turns out) regarded +as his prime. + +More interesting as an episode was the reappearance on the +Parliamentary stage of a DISRAELI. CONINGSBY has sat in House for full +Session; wisely abstained from imprudence of young Member of to-day, +who takes the oath at four o'clock and catches the SPEAKER'S eye +at ten. Now, in these closing days of Session, on seventy-ninth day +debate Home-Rule Bill, CONINGSBY modestly thinks "the time has come +when they _shall_ hear me." + +House did so with pleasure. Only a small gathering. Mr. G. absent, +which was a pity. On the 7th of December, 1837, Mr. G., sitting on +back bench on Conservative side, lifted up "a fine head of jet-black +hair, always carefully parted from the crown downward to his brow," to +listen to an earlier maiden speech delivered by an elderly young man, +"ringed and curled like an Assyrian bull," his violet velvet waistcoat +garlanded with gold chains. Across the bridge of fifty-six years a +marvellous memory might have recalled this figure had the ex-Member +for Newark to-day been in his place to look across the House at +the dapper young man, with quiet self-possessed manner, who, having +considered this Government Bill, had come to the conclusion that it +is "a measure born in deceit, nurtured in concealment, swaddled in the +gag, and thrust upon the country without the sanction of the people." +The old Disraelian ring about that phrase. House sees again D'ISRAELI +the Younger; only Younger than ever. But that is a reproach CONINGSBY +may outlive. + +_Business done._--Third Reading of Home-Rule Bill moved. + +_Saturday_, 1.30 A.M.--Eighty-second day of debate on Home-Rule Bill. +After being "gagged" through all those days and nights of ruthless +talk, a House crowded on every Bench, filling galleries and thronging +Bar, opens wide its mouth and cheers announcement that Third Reading +been carried by 301 votes against 267. When House is unanimous, +its unanimity wonderful. Everybody agreed to shout for +joy--Ministerialists because majority was 34, Opposition because it +isn't 38. + +"Thank you, TOBY," said Mr. G., when I congratulated him on the end +of the long job; "I expect we're all glad it's over. Excuse me, but I +just want to drop the Bill in the post for the Lords." + +[Illustration: Finished at Last!] + +Crowd waiting outside Palace Yard caught sight of him as he tripped +along. A ringing cheer woke echoes of the stilly night; Mr. G. +escorted home in triumph to Downing Street. + +"Dear me!" said the Member for SARK. "Now I wonder how many of those +who are now cheering Mr. G. helped fifteen years ago to break his +windows?" + +The Member for Sark always thinks of cheerful things. + +_Business done._--Home-Rule Bill read Third Time. + + * * * * * + +GOING TO THE COUNTRY. + +(_By another Sporting M.P._) + + We have talked and divided and sat till we're ill, + At the mercy of every pestiferous bore. + It's a WILDE kind of thing to be saying, but still + Now like _Oliver Twist_ we keep "asking for moor." + + There are some who think politics naught but a game + 'Twixt the Ins and the Outs that is played in the House, + But the game that we sigh for (and are we to blame?) + Is the covey of partridge or moor-loving grouse. + + Now we're well in September, and work nearly finished, + I'm off, whilst the Commons get lost in the bogs + Of Supply and stay on with their zeal undiminished, + For the Country may go--like myself--to the dogs! + + * * * * * + +LEGAL PROMOTION (_Comment by an Indignant Radical_).--Lord Justice +BOWEN made a Lord of Appeal, _vice_ Lord HANNEN, resigned. Very +natural--there's no "Justice" in the House of Lords! + + * * * * * + +Love and Time; or, The Three Stages of Passion. + + ["The question whether gifts bestowed during an engagement + should be returned when it is broken off has always been a + debated one."--_James Payn._] + + _Debated?_ Sentiment must surely weep! + If passion, hot at first, should cool at last, + How _should_ a loveless Future stoop to keep + The Present of the Past? + + * * * * * + +Why is a man who has dined a little too well at the "Star and Garter" +like RICHARD THE THIRD?--Because he sees "six Richmonds in the field." + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105, September 9, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, SEPT 9, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 37560.txt or 37560.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/5/6/37560/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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