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diff --git a/37503.txt b/37503.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d468d8c --- /dev/null +++ b/37503.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3688 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Gammer Gurton's Needle, by Mr. S. Mr. of Art + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gammer Gurton's Needle + +Author: Mr. S. Mr. of Art + +Release Date: September 22, 2011 [EBook #37503] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Katie Hernandez and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + GAMMER GURTON'S + NEEDLE + + [Illustration] + + The Museum Dramatists + + No. 1 + + The Museum Dramatists + + + GAMMER GURTON'S + NEEDLE + + _Edited, with an Introduction, Note-Book, and Word-List._ + + BY JOHN S. FARMER + + + + +"THE PITH AND POINT OF THE PLAY, SIR!" + + +"Gammer Gurton's Needle _was the first to gather the threads of farce +... interlude, and ... school play into a well-sustained comedy of +rustic life_ [_with_] _the rollicking humour of the ... Bedlem; the +pithy and saline interchange of feminine amenities; the ... Chaucerian, +laughter,--not sensual but animal; the delight in physical incongruity; +the mediaeval fondness for the grotesque. If the situations are farcical, +they ... hold together; each scene tends towards the climax of the act, +and each act towards the denouement. The characters are both typical and +individual; and ... the execution is an advance because it smacks less +of the academic. Gammer Gurton carries forward the comedy of +mirth._"--C. Mills Gayley, Litt.D., LL.D., Professor of the English +Language and Literature in the University of California. + + + + +[Illustration] + + + The Museum Dramatists. + + GAMMER GURTON'S + NEEDLE + + BY MR. S., MR. OF ART + + [_c._ 1562] + + Published by GIBBINGS & CO. for the + EARLY ENGLISH DRAMA SOCIETY + 18. Bury St. (Near British Museum), London, W.C. + + MCMVI + + +[Illustration] + + +INTRODUCTION + + +In 1782 Isaac Reed attributed _Gammer Gurton's Needle_ to a Dr. John +Still, who, in 1563, was raised to the see of Bath and Wells. His +reasons for doing this are, on examination, found to be somewhat +inconclusive. It seems that he discovered in the accounts of Christ's +College an entry referring to a play acted at Christmas, 1567 (not 1566, +as he states), and, as this is the latest entry of the kind occurring +before 1575--the date of publication--he inferred that it related to the +representation of _Gammer Gurton's Needle_, which in Colwell's +title-page (see facsimile on page 1) was stated to have taken place "not +longe ago." The only Master of Arts of the college then living whose +surname began with S, that he was able to find, was John Still, whom he +therefore confidently identified with the "Mr. S." who is said to have +written _Gammer Gurton's Needle_. + +Curiously enough, another Church dignitary has shared with Dr. Still the +attributed authorship of, as Dr. Bradley expresses it, "this very +unclerical play"--namely, Dr. John Bridges, Dean of Salisbury and Bishop +of Oxford. In narrating the personal history of these two churchmen, +let us take them in order. + +John Still was the only son of William Still, Esq., of Grantham, in +Lincolnshire, and was born in or about 1543. In 1559 he matriculated as +a pensioner in Christ's College, Cambridge, and his record, according to +_The National Dictionary of Biography_, supplemented by W. C. Hazlitt in +_Dodsley's Old Plays_, appears to have been as follows:--B.A. in 1561-2; +M.A. in 1565; D.D., 1575; Fellow, 1562; presented to the rectory of St. +Martin Outwich, London, in 1570; collated by Archbishop Parker to the +rectory of Hadleigh, in Suffolk, 1571; and appointed, with Dr. Watts, by +the primate to whom he was chaplain, Joint-Dean of Bocking, 1572. From +the deanery of Bocking he rose to the canonry at Westminster, the +mastership of St. John's College, Cambridge, the vice-chancellorship of +the university on two occasions, the mastership of Trinity College, +Cambridge, and finally, the bishopric of Bath and Wells, to which last +dignity he was named 1592-3. He died at the episcopal palace at Wells, +1607-8, and was buried, on the 4th April following, in the cathedral, +where a handsome monument was erected to his memory. He was twice +married, and left behind him several children. + +John Bridges was educated at Pembroke Hall, Cambridge, his record +being:--B.A., 1556; M.A., 1560; Fellow, 1556; D.D. from Canterbury, +1575. He spent some years in Italy, and translated three books of +Machiavelli into English, which, however, were not printed. This was +followed by a translation of Walther's _175 Homilies on the Acts of the +Apostles_ and _The Supremacy of Christian Princes over all Persons +throughout their Dominions_. He became Dean of Salisbury in 1577, and +was one of the divines appointed to reply to Edmund Campion's _Ten +Reasons_. His most celebrated work was _A Defence of the Government +established in the Church of England for Ecclesiastical Matters_--a +monumental work of some 1,412 pp., published in 1587, and which derives +its chief interest from the fact that it was the immediate cause of the +famous Martin Marprelate controversy. Dr. Bridges also took part in the +Hampton Court Conference in 1603, and on February 12, 1603-4, was +consecrated Bishop of Oxford at Lambeth by Archbishop Whitgift. He +officiated at the funeral of Henry Prince of Wales in 1612, and died at +a great age in 1618. + +The question of authorship has, indeed, always been, more or less, a +moot point; the same uncertainty applies also to the question of the +date of publication; and, notwithstanding recent research and criticism, +these questions cannot even yet be said to be settled beyond a doubt. + +Dr. Bradley, one of the editors of the _Oxford English Dictionary_, has +recently, in Professor Gayley's _Representative English Comedies_ +(Macmillan Co., New York, 1903), sifted the available evidence +respecting the date and authorship of the play. I am enabled, through +the courtesy of Dr. Bradley and the permission, readily granted, of +Messrs. Macmillan and Co., to summarise the facts and inferences which +Dr. Bradley adduces against the claims of both Dr. Still and Dr. +Bridges, and those which seem to favour the identity of Mr. S. with a +William Stevenson, who, born at Hunwick in Durham, matriculated as a +sizar in November, 1546, became B.A. in 1549-50, M.A. in 1553, B.D. in +1560, being subsequently ordained deacon in London in 1552, appointed +prebendary of Durham in January, 1560-1, and who died in 1575, the year +in which _Gammer Gurton_ was printed. + +The facts are as follows:-- + +1. The colophon of the earliest known edition of _Gammer Gurton's +Needle_ bears date 1575. It also states that it was "played on stage, +not longe ago, in Christes Colledge in Cambridge," and was "made by Mr. +S., Mr. of Art." + +2. The register of the Company of Stationers shows that in 1562-3 +Colwell (whose dates as a printer-publisher range from 1561 to 1575) +paid 4d. for licence to print a play entitled _Dyccon of Bedlam, &c._ + +3. "Diccon the Bedlam" is a character in _Gammer Gurton's Needle_, and +there is a presumption that the piece licensed to Colwell in 1562-63 was +identical with that printed in 1575 under another title; or, as an +alternative, that _Gammer Gurton_ was a sequel to _Dyccon_: but that +does not affect the value of the argument, as both would probably be by +the same author. + +4. If _Gammer Gurton's Needle_ is the play licensed in 1563, the +performance at Christ's College must have taken place before that date, +for it was not the custom to send a play to the press before it had been +acted. + +5. In the academic year ending Michaelmas, 1563, there is no record of +dramatic representation given in the college; in 1561-62, the accounts +mention certain sums "spent at Mr. Chatherton's playe"; in 1560-61 there +is no mention of any play; but in 1559-60 we find two items:--"To the +viales at Mr. Chatherton's plaie, 2s. 6d."--"Spent at Mr. Stevenson's +plaie, 5s." + +6. Therefore, as no evidence to the contrary has been found, it appears +highly probable that the "Mr. S." of _Gammer Gurton's Needle_ was Mr. +William Stevenson, Fellow of Christ's College from 1559 to 1561, and +identical with the person of the same name who was Fellow of the college +from 1551 to 1554, and who appears in the bursar's accounts as the +author of a play acted in the year 1553-54. + +7. It is presumed that he was deprived of his fellowship under Queen +Mary, and was reinstated under Elizabeth. Whether Stevenson's play of +1559-60 was that given six years before, or a new one, there is no +evidence to show, but the former supposition derives plausibility from +the fact that allusions to church matters in _Gammer Gurton's Needle_ +seem to indicate a pre-Elizabethan date for its composition. [On this +Prof. Gayley (of the University of California, and the general editor of +_Representative English Comedies_) remarks that the reference to the +King, Act v. ii. (151c), would strengthen the probability that the play +of 1575 (and 1559-60) was originally composed during Stevenson's first +fellowship, at any rate before the death of Edward VI.; it might +therefore be identical with the play acted in 1553-54.] + +8. An objection to Stevenson's authorship of the play is the title-page +of 1575 speaking of the representation at Cambridge "not longe ago," but +Colwell had had the MS. in his possession ever since 1563, and it is not +unlikely that the original title-page was retained without other +alteration than the change in the name of the piece. The appearance of +the title-page (see facsimile, p. 1) suggests the possibility that it +may have been altered after being set up; "_Gammer gur-/tons Nedle_" in +small italic may have been substituted for =Diccon of| Bedlam= in type +as large as that of the other words in the same lines. In Colwell's +edition of Ingelend's _Disobedient Child_ (printed 1560, see facsimile +title-page opposite) the title-page has the same woodcut border, but the +name of the piece is in type of the same size as that of the preceding +and following words. As this woodcut does not occur in any other of +Colwell's publications now extant, it seems reasonable to infer that +_Gammer Gurton_ was printed long before 1575. + +9. Reverting now to the former attributions of the play to Dr. Bridges +and Bishop Still, it is clear, to take the former first, that Dr. +Bridges was not "Mr. S." Further, he did not belong to Christ's College, +but to Pembroke. These two facts make it difficult to understand why the +author of the _Martin Marprelate_ tracts should have thrice claimed for +him the authorship of this play, once in the _Epistle_ (1588) and twice +in the _Epitome_. In the first the attribution is somewhat ambiguous; +but in the others the writer evidently believed what he stated. Dr. +Bradley suggests in explanation that as Dr. Bridges was resident at +Cambridge in 1560 he may have assisted William Stevenson in the +composition or revision of the play. [In a recent letter to the Editor, +Dr. Bradley observes, on reading this article, that "if the arguments +offered for an Edwardian date are valid, of course Bridges cannot have +been the author, though he may well have revised the play for its +performance in 1559-60. I suspect he was rather the sort of man to boast +of the authorship, even if his real connection with it was slight."] +"Bridges might have written comedy in his youth." His writings "abound +in sprightly quips, often far from dignified in tone; and his +controversial opponents complained, with some justice, of his +buffoonery." + +[Illustration: + + A pretie + and Mery new Enterlude: + called the Disobedient + Child. + Compiled + by Thomas Ingelend + late student in + Cambridge. + + Imprinted at London + in Flete Strete, beneath + the Conduit by Thomas + Coldwell. + +[_Reduced Facsimile of Title-page of "The Disobedient Child," from a +Copy in the British Museum._]] + +So far Dr. Bradley. The arguments against Still's authorship of _Gammer +Gurton_, and in favour of that of Bridges, are stated at length in an +article by Mr. C. H. Ross in the nineteenth volume of _Anglia_ (1896). +The main contention is that "Mr. S." is a "blind" of some sort, +standing, it may be, for the last letter, or the last syllable of the +name "Bridges." "This is," remarks Prof. Hales in _The Age of +Transition_, ii. 37, "possible, if not very likely." "Professor Boas," +adds the same authority, "is disposed to support the Stevenson theory, +but with qualifications. He points out (in a private letter) that it +does not follow, because the play was acted at Christ's, that the writer +was necessarily a member of that college, and he grants weight to the +confident assertion of the Marprelate writer that Bridges was the +author, although Bridges was at Pembroke College.... Professor Boas's +general conclusion is as follows: 'I think Mr. Bradley's ascription of +the play to Stevenson, though plausible and probable, is by no means +certain, and that more may be said for Bridges' authorship than he +allows.' In our opinion [that is, Prof. Hales's] the evidence, such as +it is, is all in favour of Stevenson as the original author, but it may +be hoped that the discovery of some contemporary allusion may yet settle +the question once for all." + +As regards Still, if Stevenson's authorship be accepted, Reed's +conclusion of course falls to the ground; and the extraordinary +seriousness of character of Bishop Still renders it incredible that he +can ever have distinguished himself as a comic writer. Archbishop +Parker, in 1573, speaks of him as "a young man," but "better mortified +than some other forty or fifty years of age"; and another eulogist +commends "his staidness and gravity." If seriousness had been qualified +by wit, there would surely have been some indication of the fact in the +vivaciously written account of him given by Harrington, who attests his +excellent character, and says that he was a man "to whom I never came +but I grew more religious, and from whom I never went but I parted more +instructed." But neither there nor elsewhere is there any evidence that +he ever made a joke, that he ever wrote a line of verse, or that he had +any interests other than those connected with his sacred calling. John +Payne Collier, in his _History of Dramatic Poetry_, noting the fact that +_Gammer Gurton's Needle_ was the first existing English play acted at +either university, commented on the singular coincidence that the +author of the comedy [Dr. Still] so represented should be the very +person who, many years afterwards, when he had become Vice-Chancellor of +Cambridge, was called upon to remonstrate with the Ministers of Queen +Elizabeth against having an English play performed before her at that +university, as unbefitting its learning, dignity, and character +[--another indirect piece of evidence, surely, against Still's +authorship]. + +The play is a comedy-farce in five acts, the central idea being the loss +by an old dame of her needle, a half-crazy mischief-making wag setting +it about that this (at that time of day) precious possession has been +stolen by another old woman, the whole village being ultimately set by +the ears about the matter. Finally it is found sticking in the breech of +Gammer Gurton's man Hodge. The text followed is that of Colwell's +edition of 1575, modernised in spelling and punctuation. Copies of the +original are to be found in the British Museum, Bodleian, and Huth +libraries. It has been several times reprinted, but never before in +modern days in a separate form: (1) in quarto in 1661; (2) in Hawkins' +_Origin of the English Drama_, 1773; (3) in all the editions of +_Dodsley's Old Plays_ (1744, 1780, 1825, and 1876); (4) in _The Ancient +British Drama_, ed. by Sir W. Scott, 1810; (5) in _Old English Drama_, +1830; (6) in Prof. Manly's _Specimens of the Pre-Shakspearean Drama_, +1897; and (7) in Gayley's _Representative English Comedies_, 1903. + +A facsimile title-page will be found preceding the text, and the device +of Thomas Colwell, the printer of the play, on page 64. + +The song on page 12 is one of the oldest drinking-songs extant. An older +version, modernised in spelling, is given below. Dr. Bradley does not +regard it as likely to be "much older than the middle of the sixteenth +century (the O.E.D. gives it as c. 1550), and it may possibly be later." +As Skelton died 1529, the inference is obvious. + + Back and side go bare, go bare; + Both hand and foot go cold; + But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, + Whether it be new or old. + + But if that I may have, truly, + Good ale my belly full, + I shall look like one (by sweet Saint John) + Were shorn against the wool. + Though I go bare, take ye no care, + I am nothing cold. + I stuff my skin so full within + Of jolly good ale and old. + + I cannot eat but little meat; + My stomach is not good; + But sure I think that I could drink + With him that weareth a hood. + Drink is my life; although my wife + Some time do chide and scold, + Yet spare I not to ply the pot + Of jolly good ale and old. + Back and side, &c. + + I love no roast but a brown toast, + Or a crab in the fire; + A little bread shall do me stead, + Much bread I never desire. + Nor frost, nor snow, nor wind, I trow, + Can hurt me if it would; + I am so wrapped within, and lapped + With jolly good ale and old. + Back and side, &c. + + I care right nought, I take no thought + For clothes to keep me warm; + Have I good drink, I surely think + Nothing can do me harm. + For truly then I fear no man, + Be he never so bold, + When I am armed, and thoroughly warmed + With jolly good ale and old. + Back and side, &c. + + But now and then I curse and ban; + They make their ale so small! + God give them care, and evil to fare! + They strye the malt and all. + Such peevish pew, I tell you true, + Not for a crown of gold + There cometh one sip within my lip, + Whether it be new or old. + Back and side, &c. + + Good ale and strong maketh me among + Full jocund and full light, + That oft I sleep, and take no keep + From morning until night. + Then start I up, and flee to the cup; + The right way on I hold. + My thirst to stanch I fill my paunch + With jolly good ale and old. + Back and side, &c. + + And Kytte, my wife, that as her life + Loveth well good ale to seek, + Full oft drinketh she that ye may see + The tears run down her cheek. + Then doth she troll to me the bowl + As a good malt-worm should, + And say, "Sweetheart, I have taken my part + Of jolly good ale and old." + Back and side, &c. + + They that do drink till they nod and wink, + Even as good fellows should do, + They shall not miss to have the bliss + That good ale hath brought them to. + And all poor souls that scour black bowls, + And them hath lustily trolled, + God save the lives of them and their wives, + Whether they be young or old! + Back and side, &c. + + + + +[Illustration: + + A Ryght + Pithy, Pleasaunt and merie + Comedie: Intytuled + _Gammer gurtons + Nedle_: Played on + Stage, not longe + ago in Christes + _Colledge in Cambridge_. + + _Made by Mr. S. Mr. of Art._ + + Imprented at London in + Fleetestreat beneth the Conduit + at the signe of S. John + Evangelist by Thomas + _Colwell_. + +[_Reduced facsimile of the Title-page of "Gammer Gurton's Needle" from +the British Museum Copy._]] + + + + + A RIGHT PITHY, PLEASANT, AND MERRY COMEDY, ENTITLED GAMMER + GURTON'S NEEDLE. PLAYED ON STAGE NOT LONG AGO IN CHRIST'S + COLLEGE IN CAMBRIDGE. MADE BY MR. S., M.A. IMPRINTED AT LONDON + IN FLEET STREET, BENEATH THE CONDUIT, AT THE SIGN OF ST. JOHN + EVANGELIST, BY THOMAS COLWELL. + + +The Names of the Speakers in this Comedy: + + DICCON, THE BEDLAM + HODGE, GAMMER GURTON'S SERVANT + TIB, GAMMER GURTON'S MAID + GAMMER GURTON + COCK, GAMMER GURTON'S BOY + DAME CHAT + DOCTOR RAT, THE CURATE + MASTER BAILY + DOLL, DAME CHAT'S MAID + SCAPETHRIFT, MASTER BAILY'S SERVANT + MUTES + +_God Save the Queen_ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE + + +THE PROLOGUE. + + + As Gammer Gurton with many a wide stitch + Sat piecing and patching of Hodge her man's breech, + By chance or misfortune, as she her gear toss'd, + In Hodge's leather breeches her needle she lost. + When Diccon the Bedlam had heard by report + That good Gammer Gurton was robbed in this sort, + He quietly persuaded with her in that stound + Dame Chat, her dear gossip, this needle had found; + Yet knew she no more of this matter, alas! + Than knoweth Tom, our clerk, what the priest saith at mass. + Hereof there ensued so fearful a fray, + Mas. Doctor was sent for, these gossips to stay, + Because he was curate, and esteemed full wise; + Who found that he sought not, by Diccon's device. + When all things were tumbled and clean out of fashion, + Whether it were by fortune, or some other constellation, + Suddenly the needle Hodge found by the pricking. + And drew it out of his buttock, where he felt it sticking. + Their hearts then at rest with perfect security, + With a pot of good ale they struck up their plaudity. + + +THE FIRST ACT. THE FIRST SCENE. + + + _Diccon._ Many a mile have I walked, divers and sundry ways, + And many a good man's house have I been at in my days; + Many a gossip's cup in my time have I tasted, + And many a broach and spit have I both turned and basted, + Many a piece of bacon have I had out of their balks, + In running over the country, with long and weary walks; + Yet came my foot never within those door cheeks, + To seek flesh or fish, garlick, onions, or leeks, + That ever I saw a sort in such a plight + As here within this house appeareth to my sight. + There is howling and scowling, all cast in a dump, + With whewling and puling, as though they had lost a trump. + Sighing and sobbing, they weep and they wail; + I marvel in my mind what the devil they ail. + The old trot sits groaning, with alas and alas! + And Tib wrings her hands, and takes on in worse case. + With poor Cock, their boy, they be driven in such fits, + I fear me the folks be not well in their wits. + Ask them what they ail, or who brought them in this stay, + They answer not at all, but "alack!" and "wellaway!" + When I saw it booted not, out at doors I hied me, + And caught a slip of bacon, when I saw none spied me, + Which I intend not far hence, unless my purpose fail, + Shall serve me for a shoeing horn to draw on two pots of ale. + + +THE FIRST ACT. THE SECOND SCENE. + +HODGE, DICCON. + + + _Hodge._ See! so cham arrayed with dabbling in the dirt! + She that set me to ditching, ich would she had the squirt! + Was never poor soul that such a life had. + Gog's bones! this vilthy glay has dress'd me too bad! + Gog's soul! see how this stuff tears! + Ich were better to be a bearward, and set to keep bears! + By the mass, here is a gash, a shameful hole indeed! + And one stitch tear further, a man may thrust in his head. + + _Diccon._ By my father's soul, Hodge, if I should now be sworn, + I cannot choose but say thy breech is foul betorn, + But the next remedy in such a case and hap + Is to planch on a piece as broad as thy cap. + + _Hodge._ Gog's soul, man, 'tis not yet two days fully ended, + Since my dame Gurton (cham sure) these breeches amended; + But cham made such a drudge to trudge at every need, + Chwold rend it though it were stitched with sturdy packthread. + + _Diccon._ Hodge, let thy breeches go, and speak and tell me soon + What devil aileth Gammer Gurton and Tib her maid to frown. + + _Hodge._ Tush, man, th'art deceived: 'tis their daily look; + They cow'r so over the coals, their eyes be blear'd with smoke. + + _Diccon._ Nay, by the mass, I perfectly perceived, as I came hither, + That either Tib and her dame hath been by the ears together, + Or else as great a matter, as thou shalt shortly see. + + _Hodge._ Now, ich beseech our Lord they never better agree! + + _Diccon._ By Gog's soul, there they sit as still as stones in the + street, As though they had been taken with fairies, or else with + some ill-spreet. + + _Hodge._ Gog's heart! I durst have laid my cap to a crown + Ch'would learn of some prancome as soon as ich came to town. + + _Diccon._ Why, Hodge, art thou inspired? or didst thou thereof hear? + + _Hodge._ Nay, but ich saw such a wonder as ich saw nat this seven year. + Tom Tankard's cow, by Gog's bones! she set me up her sail, + And flinging about his half acre, fisking with her tail, + As though there had been in her arse a swarm of bees, + And chad not cried "tphrowh, whore," shea'd leapt out of his lees. + + _Diccon._ Why, Hodge, lies the cunning in Tom Tankard's cow's tail? + + _Hodge._ Well, ich chave heard some say such tokens do not fail. But + canst thou not tell, in faith, Diccon, why she frowns, or whereat? + Hath no man stolen her ducks or hens, or gelded Gib, her cat? + + _Diccon._ What devil can I tell, man? I could not have one word! + They gave no more heed to my talk than thou wouldst to a lord. + + _Hodge._ Ich cannot skill but muse, what marvellous thing it is. + Chill in and know myself what matters are amiss. + + _Diccon._ Then farewell, Hodge, a while, since thou dost inward haste, + For I will into the good wife Chat's, to feel how the ale doth taste. + + +THE FIRST ACT. THE THIRD SCENE. + +HODGE, TIB. + + + _Hodge._ Cham aghast; by the mass, ich wot not what to do. + Chad need bless me well before ich go them to. + Perchance some felon sprit may haunt our house indeed; + And then chwere but a noddy to venture where cha' no need. + + _Tib._ Cham worse than mad, by the mass, to be at this stay! + Cham chid, cham blam'd, and beaten, all th'hours on the day; + Lamed and hunger-starved, pricked up all in jags, + Having no patch to hide my back, save a few rotten rags! + + _Hodge._ I say, Tib, if thou be Tib, as I trow sure thou be, + What devil make-ado is this, between our dame and thee? + + _Tib._ Gog's bread, Hodge, thou had a good turn thou wert not here + this while! It had been better for some of us to have been hence a + mile; My gammer is so out of course and frantic all at once, + That Cock, our boy, and I, poor wench, have felt it on our bones. + + _Hodge._ What is the matter--say on, Tib--whereat she taketh so on? + + _Tib._ She is undone, she saith; alas! her joy and life is gone! + If she hear not of some comfort, she is, faith! but dead; + Shall never come within her lips one inch of meat ne bread. + + _Hodge._ By'r lady, cham not very glad to see her in this dump. + Chold a noble her stool hath fallen, and she hath broke her rump. + + _Tib._ Nay, and that were the worst, we would not greatly care + For bursting of her huckle-bone, or breaking of her chair; + But greater, greater, is her grief, as, Hodge, we shall all feel! + + _Hodge._ Gog's wounds, Tib, my gammer has never lost her nee'le? + + _Tib._ Her nee'le! + + _Hodge._ Her nee'le? + + _Tib._ Her nee'le! by him that made me, it is true, Hodge, I tell + thee. + + _Hodge._ Gog's sacrament! I would she had lost th'heart out of her + belly! The devil, or else his dame, they ought her, sure a shame! + How a murrion came this chance, say, Tib! unto our dame? + + _Tib._ My gammer sat her down on her pes, and bad me reach thy + breeches, And by and by--a vengeance in it! ere she had take two + stitches To clout a clout upon thine arse, by chance aside she + leers, And Gib, our cat, in the milk-pan she spied over head and + ears. "Ah, whore! out, thief!" she crief aloud, and swept the + breeches down. Up went her staff, and out leapt Gib at doors into + the town, And since that time was never wight could set their eyes + upon it. Gog's malison chave Cock and I bid twenty times light on + it. + + _Hodge._ And is not then my breeches sewed up, to-morrow that I + should wear? + + _Tib._ No, in faith, Hodge, thy breeches lie for all this never the + near. + + _Hodge._ Now a vengeance light on all the sort, that better should + have kept it, The cat, the house, and Tib, our maid, that better + should have swept it! See where she cometh crawling! come on, in + twenty devils' way! Ye have made a fair day's work, have you not? + pray you, say! + + +THE FIRST ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE. + +GAMMER, HODGE, TIB, COCK. + + + _Gammer._ Alas, Hodge, alas! I may well curse and ban + This day, that ever I saw it, with Gib and the milk-pan; + For these and ill-luck together, as knoweth Cock, my boy, + Have stack away my dear nee'le, and robbed me of my joy, + My fair long straight nee'le, that was mine only treasure; + The first day of my sorrow is, and last end of my pleasure! + + _Hodge_ (_aside_). Might ha' kept it, when ye had it! but fools will + be fools still, Lose that is vast in your hands ye need not but ye + will. + + _Gammer._ Go hie thee, Tib, and run thou, whore, to th'end here of + the town! + Didst carry out dust in thy lap? seek where thou pourest it down; + And as thou sawest me roking, in the ashes where I mourned, + So see in all the heap of dust thou leave no straw unturned. + + _Tib._ That chall, Gammer, swyth and tite, and soon be here again! + + _Gammer._ Tib, stoop and look down to the ground to it, and take + some pain. + + _Hodge._ Here is a pretty matter, to see this gear how it goes: + By Gog's soul, I think you would lose your arse, and it were loose! + Your nee'le lost? it is pity you should lack care and endless sorrow. + Gog's death! how shall my breeches be sewed? + Shall I go thus to-morrow? + + _Gammer._ Ah, Hodge, Hodge! if that ich could find my nee'le, by the + reed, + Ch'ould sew thy breeches, ich promise thee, with full good double + thread, + And set a patch on either knee should last this moneths twain. + Now God and good Saint Sithe, I pray to send it home again! + + _Hodge._ Whereto served your hands and eyes, but this your nee'le to + keep? + What devil had you else to do? ye keep, ich wot, no sheep! + Cham fain abroad to dig and delve, in water, mire, and clay, + Sossing and possing in the dirt still from day to day. + A hundred things that be abroad, cham set to see them well, + And four of you sit idle at home, and cannot keep a nee'le! + + _Gammer._ My nee'le! alas! ich lost it, Hodge, what time ich me up + hasted + To save the milk set up for thee, which Gib, our cat, hath wasted. + + _Hodge._ The devil he burst both Gib and Tib, with all the rest! + Cham always sure of the worst end, whoever have the best! + Where ha' you been fidging abroad, since you your nee'le lost? + + _Gammer._ Within the house, and at the door, sitting by this same post, + Where I was looking a long hour, before these folks came here; + But, wellaway, all was in vain, my nee'le is never the near! + + _Hodge._ Set me a candle, let me seek, and grope wherever it be. + Gog's heart, ye be foolish ich think, you know it not when you it see! + + _Gammer._ Come hither, Cock: what, Cock, I say! + + _Cock._ How, Gammer? + + _Gammer._ Go, hie thee soon, + And grope behind the old brass pan, which thing when thou hast done, + There shalt thou find an old shoe, wherein, if thou look well, + Thou shalt find lying an inch of a white tallow candle; + Light it, and bring it tite away. + + _Cock._ That shall be done anon. + + _Gammer._ Nay, tarry, Hodge, till thou hast light, and then we'll + seek each one. + + _Hodge._ Come away, ye whoreson boy, are ye asleep? ye must have a + crier! + + _Cock._ Ich cannot get the candle light: here is almost no fire. + + _Hodge._ Chill hold thee a penny, chill make thee come, if that ich + may catch thine ears! + Art deaf, thou whoreson boy? Cock, I say; why, canst not hear? + + _Gammer._ Beat him not, Hodge, but help the boy, and come you two + together. + + +THE FIRST ACT. THE FIFTH SCENE. + +GAMMER, TIB, COCK, HODGE. + + + _Gammer._ How now, Tib? quick, let's hear what news thou hast + brought hither! + + _Tib._ Chave tost and tumbled yonder heap over and over again, + And winnowed it through my fingers, as men would winnow grain; + Not so much as a hen's turd, but in pieces I tare it; + Or whatsoever clod or clay I found, I did not spare it, + Looking within and eke without, to find your nee'le, alas! + But all in vain and without help! your nee'le is where it was. + + _Gammer._ Alas, my nee'le! we shall never meet! adieu, adieu, for aye! + + _Tib._ Not so, Gammer, we might it find, if we knew where it lay. + + _Cock._ Gog's cross, Gammer, if ye will laugh, look in but at the door, + And see how Hodge lieth tumbling and tossing amids the flour, + Raking there some fire to find among the ashes dead, + Where there is not one spark so big as a pin's head: + At last in a dark corner two sparks he thought he sees, + Which were indeed nought else but Gib our cat's two eyes. + "Puff!" quod Hodge, thinking thereby to have fire without doubt; + With that Gib shut her two eyes, and so the fire was out; + And by and by them opened, even as they were before; + With that the sparks appeared, even as they had done of yore; + And even as Hodge blew the fire (as he did think), + Gib, as she felt the blast, straightway began to wink; + Till Hodge fell of swearing, as came best to his turn, + The fire was sure bewitch'd, and therefore would not burn; + At last Gib up the stairs, among the old posts and pins, + And Hodge he hied him after, till broke were both his shins: + Cursing and swearing oaths were never of his making, + That Gib would fire the house if that she were not taken. + + _Gammer._ See, here is all the thought that the foolish urchin taketh! + And Tib, me-think, at his elbow almost as merry maketh. + This is all the wit ye have, when others make their moan. + Come down, Hodge, where art thou? and let the cat alone! + + _Hodge._ Gog's heart, help and come up! Gib in her tail hath fire, + And is like to burn all, if she get a little higher! + Come down, quoth you? nay, then you might count me a patch, + The house cometh down on your heads, if it take once the thatch. + + _Gammer._ It is the cat's eyes, fool, that shineth in the dark. + + _Hodge._ Hath the cat, do you think, in every eye a spark? + + _Gammer._ No, but they shine as like fire as ever man see. + + _Hodge._ By the mass, and she burn all, you sh' bear the blame for me! + + _Gammer._ Come down and help to seek here our nee'le, that it were + found. + Down, Tib, on the knees, I say! Down, Cock, to the ground! + To God I make a vow, and so to good Saint Anne, + A candle shall they have a-piece, get it where I can, + If I may my nee'le find in one place or in other. + + _Hodge._ Now a vengeance on Gib light, on Gib and Gib's mother, + And all the generation of cats both far and near! + Look on the ground, whoreson, thinks thou the nee'le is here? + + _Cock._ By my troth, Gammer, me-thought your nee'le here I saw, + But when my fingers touch'd it, I felt it was a straw. + + _Tib._ See, Hodge, what's this? may it not be within it? + + _Hodge._ Break it, fool, with thy hand, and see and thou canst find it. + + _Tib._ Nay, break it you, Hodge, according to your word. + + _Hodge._ Gog's sides! fie! it stinks! it is a cat's turd! + It were well done to make thee eat it, by the mass! + + _Gammer._ This matter amendeth not; my nee'le is still where it was. + Our candle is at an end, let us all in quite, + And come another time, when we have more light. + + + + +THE SECOND ACT. + +_First a_ SONG. + + + _Back and side go bare, go bare, + Both foot and hand go cold; + But, belly, God send thee good ale enough. + Whether it be new or old._ + + _I cannot eat but little meat, + My stomach is not good; + But sure I think that I can drink + With him that wears a hood. + Though I go bare, take ye no care, + I am nothing a-cold; + I stuff my skin so full within + Of jolly good ale and old. + Back and side go bare, go bare, &c._ + + _I love no roast but a nut-brown toast + And a crab laid in the fire. + A little bread shall do me stead: + Much bread I not desire. + No frost nor snow, no wind, I trow, + Can hurt me if I would; + I am so wrapt, and thoroughly lapt + Of jolly good ale and old. + Back and side go bare, &c._ + + _And Tib my wife, that as her life + Loveth well good ale to seek, + Full oft drinks she till ye may see + The tears run down her cheek: + Then doth she trowl to me the bowl + Even as a malt-worm should: + And saith, sweet heart, I took my part + Of this jolly good ale and old. + Back and side go bare, &c._ + + _Now let them drink till they nod and wink, + Even as good fellows should do; + They shall not miss to have the bliss + Good ale doth bring men to; + And all poor souls that have scoured bowls, + Or have them lustly troll'd. + God save the lives of them and their wives, + Whether they be young or old. + Back and side go bare, &c._ + + +THE SECOND ACT. THE FIRST SCENE. + +DICCON, HODGE. + + + _Diccon._ Well done, by Gog's malt! well sung and well said! + Come on, mother Chat, as thou art true maid, + One fresh pot of ale let's see, to make an end + Against this cold weather my naked arms to defend! + This gear it warms the soul! now, wind, blow on thy worst! + And let us drink and swill till that our bellies burst! + Now were he a wise man by cunning could define + Which way my journey lieth, or where Diccon will dine! + But one good turn I have: be it by night or day, + South, east, north or west, I am never out of my way! + + _Hodge._ Chim goodly rewarded, cham I not, do you think? + Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink! + Neither butter, cheese, milk, onions, flesh, nor fish, + Save this poor piece of barley-bread: 'tis a pleasant costly dish! + + _Diccon._ Hail, fellow Hodge, and well to fare with thy meat, if you + have any: + But by thy words, as I them smelled, thy daintrels be not many. + + _Hodge._ Daintrels, Diccon? Gog's soul, man, save this piece of dry + horsebread, + Cha bit no bit this livelong day, no crumb come in my head: + My guts they yawl-crawl, and all my belly rumbleth, + The puddings cannot lie still, each one over other tumbleth. + By Gog's heart, cham so vexed, and in my belly penn'd, + Chould one piece were at the spital-house, another at the castle end! + + _Diccon._ Why, Hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set? + + _Hodge._ Gog's bread, Diccon, ich came too late, was nothing there + to get! + Gib (a foul fiend might on her light!) licked the milk-pan so clean, + See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this seven year, as ich ween! + A pestilence light on all ill-luck! chad thought, yet for all this + Of a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst should not miss: + But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont to do, + Gog's souls, Diccon! Gib, our cat, had eat the bacon too! + + [_Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before._ + + _Diccon._ Ill-luck, quod he! marry, swear it, Hodge! this day, the + truth tell, + Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blessed thee not well. + Thy milk slopped up! thy bacon filched! that was too bad luck, Hodge! + + _Hodge._ Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my Gammer ga' me the + dodge; + Seest not how cham rent and torn, my heels, my knees, and my breech? + Chad thought, as ich sat by the fire, help here and there a stitch: + But there ich was pouped indeed. + + _Diccon._ Why, Hodge? + + _Hodge._ Boots not, man, to tell. + Cham so drest amongst a sort of fools, chad better be in hell. + My Gammer (cham ashamed to say) by God, served me no well. + + _Diccon._ How so, Hodge? + + _Hodge._ Has she not gone, trowest now, + and lost her nee'le? + + _Diccon._ Her eel, Hodge? who fished of late? that was a dainty dish! + + _Hodge._ Tush, tush, her nee'le, her nee'le, her nee'le, man! 'tis + neither flesh nor fish; + A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as any sil'er, + Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as any pillar. + + _Diccon._ I know not what a devil thou meanest, thou bring'st me more + in doubt. + + _Hodge._ Knowest not with what Tom-tailor's man sits broaching through + a clout? + A nee'le, a nee'le, a nee'le! my Gammer's nee'le is gone. + + _Diccon._ Her nee'le, Hodge! now I smell thee! that was a chance alone! + By the mass, thou hast a shameful loss, and it were but for thy + breeches. + + _Hodge._ Gog's soul, man, chould give a crown chad it but three + stitches. + + _Diccon._ How sayest thou, Hodge? what should he have, again thy + needle got? + + _Hodge._ By m'father's soul, and chad it, chould give him a new groat. + + _Diccon._ Canst thou keep counsel in this case? + + _Hodge._ Else chwold my tongue were out. + + _Diccon._ Do than but then by my advice, and I will fetch it without + doubt. + + _Hodge._ Chill run, chill ride, chill dig, chill delve, + Chill toil, chill trudge, shalt see; + Chill hold, chill draw, chill pull, chill pinch, + Chill kneel on my bare knee; + Chill scrape, chill scratch, chill sift, chill seek, + Chill bow, chill bend, chill sweat, + Chill stoop, chill stour, chill cap, chill kneel, + Chill creep on hands and feet; + Chill be thy bondman, Diccon, ich swear by sun and moon, + And channot somewhat to stop this gap, cham utterly undone! + + [_Pointing behind to his torn breeches._ + + _Diccon._ Why, is there any special cause thou takest hereat such + sorrow? + + _Hodge._ Kirstian Clack, Tom Simpson's maid, by the mass, comes + hither to-morrow, + Cham not able to say, between us what may hap; + She smiled on me the last Sunday, when ich put off my cap. + + _Diccon._ Well, Hodge, this is a matter of weight, and must be + kept close, + It might else turn to both our costs, as the world now goes. + Shalt swear to be no blab, Hodge? + + _Hodge._ Chill, Diccon. + + _Diccon._ Then go to, + Lay thine hand here; say after me, as thou shalt hear me do. + Hast no book? + + _Hodge._ Cha no book, I. + + _Diccon._ Then needs must force us both, + Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to take thine oath. + + _Hodge._ I, Hodge, breechless + Swear to Diccon, rechless, + By the cross that I shall kiss, + To keep his counsel close, + And always me to dispose + To work that his pleasure is. + + [_Here he kisseth Diccon's breech._ + + _Diccon._ Now, Hodge, see thou take heed, + And do as I thee bid; + For so I judge it meet; + This needle again to win, + There is no shift therein, + But conjure up a spreet. + + _Hodge._ What, the great devil, Diccon, I say? + + _Diccon._ Yea, in good faith, that is the way. + Fet with some pretty charm. + + _Hodge._ Soft, Diccon, be not too hasty yet, + By the mass, for ich begin to sweat! + Cham afraid of some harm. + + _Diccon._ Come hither, then, and stir thee not + One inch out of this circle plat, + But stand as I thee teach. + + _Hodge._ And shall ich be here safe from their claws? + + _Diccon._ The master-devil with his long paws + Here to thee cannot reach-- + Now will I settle me to this gear. + + _Hodge._ I say, Diccon, hear me, hear! + Go softly to this matter! + + _Diccon._ What devil, man? art afraid of nought? + + _Hodge._ Canst not tarry a little thought + Till ich make a courtesy of water? + + _Diccon._ Stand still to it; why shouldest thou fear him? + + _Hodge._ Gog's sides, Diccon, me-think ich hear him! + And tarry, chall mar all! + + _Diccon._ The matter is no worse than I told it. + + _Hodge._ By the mass, cham able no longer to hold it! + Too bad! ich must beray the hall! + + _Diccon._ Stand to it, Hodge! stir not, you whoreson! + What devil, be thine arse-strings brusten? + Thyself a while but stay, + The devil (I smell him) will be here anon. + + _Hodge_. Hold him fast, Diccon, cham gone! + Chill not be at that fray! + + +THE SECOND ACT. THE SECOND SCENE. + +DICCON, CHAT. + + + _Diccon._ Fie, shitten knave, and out upon thee! + Above all other louts, fie on thee! + Is not here a cleanly prank, + But thy matter was no better, + Nor thy presence here no sweeter, + To fly I can thee thank. + Here is a matter worthy glosing, + Of Gammer Gurton's needle losing, + And a foul piece of wark! + A man I think might make a play, + And need no word to this they say + Being but half a clerk. + + Soft, let me alone, I will take the charge + This matter further to enlarge + Within a time short. + If ye will mark my toys, and note, + I will give ye leave to cut my throat + If I make not good sport. + + Dame Chat, I say, where be ye? within? + + _Chat._ Who have we there maketh such a din? + + _Diccon._ Here is a good fellow, maketh no great danger. + + _Chat._ What, Diccon? Come near, ye be no stranger. + We be fast set at trump, man, hard by the fire; + Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher. + + _Diccon._ Nay, nay, there is no tarrying; I must be gone again. + But first for you in counsel I have a word or twain. + + _Chat._ Come hither, Doll! Doll, sit down and play this game, + And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same. + There is five trumps besides the queen, the hindmost thou shalt find + her. + Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an eye behind her! + Now, Diccon, say your will. + + _Diccon._ Nay, soft a little yet; + I would not tell it my sister, the matter is so great. + There I will have you swear by Our Dear Lady of Boulogne, + Saint Dunstan, and Saint Dominic, with the three Kings of Cologne, + That ye shall keep it secret. + + _Chat._ Gog's bread! that will I do! + As secret as mine own thought, by God and the devil too! + + _Diccon._ Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbour, a sad and heavy wight: + Her goodly fair red cock at home was stole this last night. + + _Chat._ Gog's soul! her cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowed + so just? + + _Diccon._ That cock is stolen. + + _Chat._ What, was he fet out of the hen's roost? + + _Diccon._ I cannot tell where the devil he was kept, under key or lock; + But Tib hath tickled in Gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock. + + _Chat._ Have I, strong whore? by bread and salt!-- + + _Diccon._ What, soft, I say, be still! + Say not one word for all this gear. + + _Chat._ By the mass, that I will! + I will have the young whore by the head, and the old trot by the + throat. + + _Diccon._ Not one word, dame Chat, I say; not one word for my coat! + + _Chat._ Shall such a beggar's brawl as that, thinkest thou, make me + a thief? + The pox light on her whore's sides, a pestilence and mischief! + Come out, thou hungry needy bitch! O, that my nails be short! + + _Diccon._ Gog's bread, woman, hold your + peace! this gear will else pass sport! + I would not for an hundred pound this matter should be known, + That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown. + Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale I told? + I said ye must all secret keep, and ye said sure ye would. + + _Chat._ Would you suffer, yourself, Diccon, such a sort to revile you, + With slanderous words to blot your name, and so to defile you? + + _Diccon._ No, Goodwife Chat, I would be loth such drabs should blot + my name; + But yet ye must so order all that Diccon bear no blame. + + _Chat._ Go to, then, what is your reed? say on your mind, ye shall me + rule herein. + + _Diccon._ Godamercy to dame Chat! In faith thou must the gear begin. + It is twenty pound to a goose-turd, my gammer will not tarry, + But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can her carry, + To brawl with you about her cock; for well I heard Tib say + The cock was roasted in your house to breakfast yesterday; + And when ye had the carcase eaten, the feathers ye outflung, + And Doll, your maid, the legs she hid a foot-deep in the dung. + + _Chat._ O gracious God! my heart it bursts! + + _Diccon._ Well, rule yourself a space; + And Gammer Gurton when she cometh anon into this place, + Then to the quean, let's see, tell her your mind, and spare not. + So shall Diccon blameless be; and then, go to, I care not! + + _Chat._ Then, whore, beware her throat! I can abide no longer. + In faith, old witch, it shall be seen which of us two be stronger! + And, Diccon, but at your request, I would not stay one hour. + + _Diccon._ Well, keep it till she be here, and then out let it pour! + In the meanwhile get you in, and make no words of this. + More of this matter within this hour to hear you shall not miss, + Because I knew you are my friend, hide it I could not, doubtless. + Ye know your harm, see ye be wise about your own business! + So fare ye well. + + _Chat._ Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink! What, Doll, I say! + Bring here a cup of the best ale; let's see, come quickly away! + + +THE SECOND ACT. THE THIRD SCENE. + +HODGE, DICCON. + + + _Diccon._ Ye see, masters, that one end tapp'd of this my short device! + Now must we broach th'other too, before the smoke arise; + And by the time they have a while run, + I trust ye need not crave it. + But look, what lieth in both their hearts, ye are like, sure, to have + it. + + _Hodge._ Yea, Gog's soul, art alive yet? What, Diccon, dare ich come? + + _Diccon._ A man is well hied to trust to thee; I will say nothing + but mum; + But and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be sweet! + + _Hodge._ Tush, man, is Gammer's nee'le found? that chould gladly weet. + + _Diccon._ She may thank thee it is not found, for if you had kept thy + standing, + The devil he would have fet it out, ev'n, Hodge, at thy commanding. + + _Hodge._ Gog's heart! and could he tell nothing where the nee'le might + be found? + + _Diccon._ Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere we had got our ground; + Therefore his tale so doubtful was that I could not perceive it. + + _Hodge._ Then ich see well something was said, chope one day yet to + have it. + But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry "ho, ho, ho"? + + _Diccon._ If thou hadst tarried where thou stood'st, thou wouldst have + said so! + + _Hodge._ Durst swear of a book, cheard him roar, straight after ich + was gone. + But tell me, Diccon, what said the knave? let me hear it anon. + + _Diccon._ The whoreson talked to me, I know not well of what. + One while his tongue it ran and paltered of a cat, + Another while he stammered still upon a rat; + Last of all, there was nothing but every word, Chat, Chat; + But this I well perceived before I would him rid, + Between Chat, and the rat, and the cat, the needle is hid. + Now whether Gib, our cat, hath eat it in her maw, + Or Doctor Rat, our curate, have found it in the straw, + Or this dame Chat, your neighbour, hath stolen it, God he knoweth! + But by the morrow at this time, we shall learn how the matter goeth. + + _Hodge._ Canst not learn to-night, man? seest not what is here? + + [_Pointing behind to his torn breeches._ + + _Diccon._ 'Tis not possible to make it sooner appear. + + _Hodge._ Alas, Diccon, then chave no shift; but--lest ich tarry too + long-- + Hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek for a thong, + Therewith this breech to thatch and tie as ich may. + + _Diccon._ To-morrow, Hodge, if we chance to meet, shall see what I + will say. + + +THE SECOND ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE. + +DICCON, GAMMER. + + + _Diccon._ Now this gear must forward go, for here my Gammer cometh. + Be still a while, and say nothing; make here a little romth. + + _Gammer._ Good lord! shall never be my luck my nee'le again to spy? + Alas, the while! 'tis past my help, where 'tis still it must lie! + + _Diccon._ Now, Jesus! Gammer Gurton, what driveth you to this sadness? + I fear me, by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness. + + _Gammer._ Who is that? What, Diccon? cham lost, man! fie, fie! + + _Diccon._ Marry, fie on them that be worthy! but what should be your + trouble? + + _Gammer._ Alas! the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double. + My goodly tossing spurrier's nee'le chave lost ich wot not where. + + _Diccon._ Your nee'le? when? + + _Gammer._ My nee'le, alas! ich might full ill it spare, + As God himself he knoweth, ne'er one beside chave. + + _Diccon._ If this be all, good Gammer, I warrant you all is safe. + + _Gammer._ Why, know you any tidings which way my nee'le is gone? + + _Diccon._ Yea, that I do, doubtless, as ye shall hear anon, + 'A see a thing this matter toucheth within these twenty hours, + Even at this gate, before my face, by a neighbour of yours. + She stooped me down, and up she took up a needle or a pin. + I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin. + + _Gammer._ It was my nee'le, Diccon, ich wot; for here, even by this + post, + Ich sat, what time as ich up start, and so my nee'le it lost: + Who was it, leve son? speak, ich pray thee, and quickly tell me that! + + _Diccon._ A subtle quean as any in this town, your neighbour here, + dame Chat. + + _Gammer._ Dame Chat, Diccon! Let me be gone, chill thither in post + haste. + + _Diccon._ Take my counsel yet or ye go, for fear ye walk in waste, + It is a murrain crafty drab, and froward to be pleased; + And ye take not the better way, our needle yet ye lose [it]: + For when she took it up, even here before your doors, + "What, soft, dame Chat" (quoth I), "that same is none of yours." + "Avaunt" (quoth she), "sir knave! what pratest thou of that I find? + I would thou hast kiss'd me I wot where"; she meant, I know, behind; + And home she went as brag as it had been a body-louse, + And I after, as bold as it had been the goodman of the house. + But there and ye had heard her, how she began to scold! + The tongue it went on patins, by him that Judas sold! + Each other word I was a knave, and you a whore of whores. + Because I spake in your behalf, and said the nee'le was yours. + + _Gammer._ Gog's bread! and thinks that + that callet thus to keep my nee'le me fro? + + _Diccon._ Let her alone, and she minds none other but even to dress + you so. + + _Gammer._ By the mass, chill rather spend the coat that is on my back! + Thinks the false quean by such a sleight, that chill my nee'le lack? + + _Diccon._ Slip not your gear, I counsel you, but of this take good + heed: + Let not be known I told you of it, how well soever ye speed. + + _Gammer._ Chill in, Diccon, and clean apern to take and set before me; + And ich may my nee'le once see, chill, sure, remember thee! + + +THE SECOND ACT. THE FIFTH SCENE. + +DICCON. + + + _Diccon._ Here will the sport begin; if these two once may meet, + Their cheer, durst lay money, will prove scarcely sweet. + My gammer, sure, intends to be upon her bones + With staves, or with clubs, or else with cobble stones. + Dame Chat, on the other side, if she be far behind + I am right far deceived; she is given to it of kind. + He that may tarry by it awhile, and that but short, + I warrant him, trust to it, he shall see all the sport. + Into the town will I, my friends to visit there, + And hither straight again to see th'end of this gear. + In the meantime, fellows, pipe up; your fiddles, I say, take them, + And let your friends hear such mirth as ye can make them. + + + + +THE THIRD ACT. THE FIRST SCENE. + +HODGE. + + + _Hodge._ Sim Glover, yet gramercy! cham meetly well-sped now, + Th'art even as good a fellow as ever kiss'd a cow! + Here is a thong indeed, by the mass, though ich speak it; + Tom Tankard's great bald curtal, I think, could not break it! + And when he spied my need to be so straight and hard, + Hase lent me here his nawl, to set the gib forward; + As for my gammer's nee'le, the flying fiend go wi' it! + Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet. + Chould make shift good enough and chad a candle's end; + The chief hole in my breech with these two chill amend. + + +THE THIRD ACT. THE SECOND SCENE. + +GAMMER, HODGE. + + + _Gammer._ Now Hodge, may'st now be glad, cha news to tell thee; + Ich know who hase my nee'le; ich trust soon shall it see. + + _Hodge._ The devil thou does! hast heard, gammer, indeed, or dost but + jest? + + _Gammer._ 'Tis as true as steel, Hodge. + + _Hodge._ Why, knowest well where didst lese it? + + _Gammer._ Ich know who found it, and took it up! shalt see ere it be + long. + + _Hodge._ God's mother dear! if that be true, farewell both nawl and + thong! + But who hase it, gammer, say on; chould fain hear it disclosed. + + _Gammer._ That false vixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself + so honest. + + _Hodge._ Who told you so? + + _Gammer._ That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done. + + _Hodge._ Diccon? it is a vengeable knave, gammer, 'tis a bonable + whoreson, + Can do mo things than that, els cham deceived evil: + By the mass, ich saw him of late call up a great black devil! + O, the knave cried "_ho, ho!_" he roared and he thundered, + And ye 'ad been here, cham sure you'ld murrainly ha' wondered. + + _Gammer._ Was not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in this place? + + _Hodge._ No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face, + Chould have, promised him! + + _Gammer._ But, Hodge, had he no horns to push? + + _Hodge._ As long as your two arms. Saw ye never Friar Rush + Painted on a cloth, with a side-long cow's tail, + And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail? + For all the world, if I should judge, chould reckon him his brother. + Look, even what face Friar Rush had, the devil had such another. + + _Gammer._ Now, Jesus mercy, Hodge! did Diccon in him bring? + + _Hodge._ Nay, gammer, hear me speak, chill tell you a greater thing. + The devil (when Diccon had him, ich heard him wondrous well) + Said plainly here before us, that dame Chat had your nee'le. + + _Gammer._ Then let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it; + Seeing we know so much, 'twere a madness now to slip it. + + _Hodge._ Go to her, gammer; see ye not where she stands in her doors? + Bid her give you the nee'le, 'tis none of hers but yours. + + +THE THIRD ACT. THE THIRD SCENE. + +GAMMER, CHAT, HODGE. + + + _Gammer._ Dame Chat, ch'ould pray thee fair, let me have that is mine! + Chill not these twenty years take one fart that is thine; + Therefore give me mine own, and let me live beside thee. + + _Chat._ Why art thou crept from home hither, to mine own doors to + chide me? + Hence, doating drab, avaunt, or I shall set thee further! + Intends thou and that knave me in my house to murther? + + _Gammer._ Tush, gape not so on me, woman! shalt not yet eat me, + Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not entreat me! + Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee no by leave: + What, woman! poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve. + + _Chat._ Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's + brood! + What, wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good? + + _Gammer._ Chill say nothing, ich warrant thee, but that ich can prove + it well. + Thou set my good even from my door, cham able this to tell! + + _Chat._ Did I, old witch, steal aught was thine? how should that thing + be known? + + _Gammer._ Ich cannot tell; but up thou tookest it as though it had been + thine own. + + _Chat._ Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with all my very heart! + + _Gammer._ Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp, thou rig, with all that take + thy part! + + _Chat._ A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge! + + _Gammer._ A vengeance on those callet's hips, whose conscience is so + large! + + _Chat._ Come out, hog! + + _Gammer._ Come out, hog, and let have me right! + + _Chat._ Thou arrant witch! + + _Gammer._ Thou bawdy bitch, chill make thee curse this night! + + _Chat._ A bag and a wallet! + + _Gammer._ A cart for a callet! + + _Chat._ Why, weenest thou thus to prevail? + I hold thee a groat, I shall patch thy coat! + + _Gammer._ Thou wert as good kiss my tail! + Thou slut, thou cut, thou rakes, thou jakes! will not shame make thee + hide thee? + + _Chat._ Thou skald, thou bald, thou rotten, thou glutton! I will no + longer chide thee; + But I will teach thee to keep home. + + _Gammer._ Wilt thou, drunken beast? + + [_They fight._ + + _Hodge._ Stick to her, gammer, take her by the head, chill warrant + you this feast! + Smite, I say, gammer! Bite, I say, gammer! I trow ye will be keen! + Where be your nails? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyen. + Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head! + + _Chat._ I trow, drab, I shall dress thee. + Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat! I shall make these hands + bless thee! + Take thou this, old whore, for amends, and learn thy tongue well to + tame, + And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow but thy dame! + + _Hodge._ Where is the strong stewed whore? chill gi'r a whore's mark! + Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark! + Up, gammer, and ye be alive! chill fight now for us both. + Come no near me, thou scald callet! to kill thee ich were loth. + + _Chat._ Art here again, thou hoddypeke? what, Doll! bring me out my + spit. + + _Hodge._ Chill broach thee with this, by m'father's soul, chill + conjure that foul spreet. + Let door stand. Cock! why com'st indeed? keep door, thou whoreson boy! + + _Chat_ [_to Doll_]. Stand to it, thou dastard, for thine ears, ise + teach thee, a sluttish toy! + + _Hodge._ Gog's wounds, whore, chill make thee avaunt! + Take heed, Cock, pull in the latch! + + _Chat._ I'faith, sir Loose-breech, had ye tarried, ye should have + found your match! + + _Gammer._ Now 'ware thy throat, losel, thou'se pay for all! + + _Hodge._ Well said, gammer, by my soul. + Hoise her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull her throat-bole! + + _Chat._ Com'st behind me, thou withered witch? and I get once on foot! + Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather! I'll teach thee what longs + to 't! + Take thee this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more! + + _Hodge._ Up, gammer, stand on your feet; where is the old whore? + Faith, would chad her by the face, chould crack her callet crown! + + _Gammer._ Ah, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy help, when vixen had me down? + + _Hodge._ By the mass, gammer, but for my staff Chat had gone nigh to + spill you! + Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come, to kill you. + But shall we lose our nee'le thus? + + _Gammer._ No, Hodge, chwere loth to do so. + Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no, Hodge, ich tell thee no. + + _Hodge._ Chould yet this fray were well take up, and our nee'le at + home, + 'Twill be my chance else some to kill, wherever it be or whom! + + _Gammer._ We have a parson, Hodge, thou knows, a man esteemed wise, + Mast Doctor Rat; chill for him send, and let me hear his advice. + He will her shrive for all this gear, and give her penance straight; + Wese have our nee'le, else dame Chat comes ne'er within heaven-gate. + + _Hodge._ Yea, marry, gammer, that ich think best: will you now for + him send? + The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner wese ha' an end. + And here, gammer! Diccon's devil, as ich remember well, + Of cat, and Chat, and Doctor Rat, a felonious tale did tell. + Chold you forty pound, that is the way your nee'le to get again. + + _Gammer._ Chill ha' him straight! Call out the boy, wese make him + take the pain. + + _Hodge._ What, Cock, I say! come out! What devil! can'st not hear? + + _Cock._ How now, Hodge? how does gammer, is yet the weather clear? + What would chave me to do? + + _Gammer._ Come hither, Cock, anon! + Hence swith to Doctor Rat, hie thee that thou were gone, + And pray him come speak with me, cham not well at ease. + Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother Bee's; + Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop, for as cheard it reported, + There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted. + + _Cock._ And shall ich bring him with me, gammer? + + _Gammer._ Yea, by and by, good Cock. + + _Cock._ Shalt see that shall be here anon, else let me have on the + dock. + + _Hodge._ Now, gammer, shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming? + What devil, woman! pluck up your heart, and leave off all this + glooming. + Though she were stronger at the first, as ich think ye did find her, + Yet there ye dress'd the drunken sow, what time ye came behind her. + + _Gammer._ Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for, set th'end to + the beginning, + And ich doubt not but she will make small boast of her winning. + + +THE THIRD ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE. + +TIB, HODGE, GAMMER, COCK. + + + _Tib._ See, gammer, gammer, Gib, our cat, cham afraid what she aileth; + She stands me gasping behind the door, as though her wind her faileth: + Now let ich doubt what Gib should mean, that now she doth so doat. + + _Hodge._ Hold hither! I chould twenty pound, your nee'le is in her + throat. + Grope her, ich say, methinks ich feel it; does not prick your hand? + + _Gammer._ Ich can feel nothing. + + _Hodge._ No! ich know there's not within this land + A murrainer cat than Gib is, betwixt the Thames and Tyne; + Sh'ase as much wit in her head almost as ch'ave in mine. + + _Tib._ Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will not easily down; + Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the town Ich cannot tell. + + _Gammer._ Alas, ich fear it be some crooked pin! + And then farewell Gib! she is undone, and lost all save the skin! + + _Hodge._ 'Tis your nee'le, woman, I say! Gog's soul! give me a knife, + And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall lose my life! + + _Gammer._ What! nay, Hodge, fie! Kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats + we ha' now. + + _Hodge._ By the mass, dame Chat hase me so moved, ich care not what + I kill, ma' God a vow! + Go to, then, Tib, to this gear! hold up her tail and take her! + Chill see what devil is in her guts! chill take the pains to rake her! + + _Gammer._ Rake a cat, Hodge! what wouldest thou do? + + _Hodge._ What, think'st that cham not able? + Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal t'o'er day standing in the stable? + + _Gammer._ Soft! be content, let's hear what news Cock bringeth from + Mast Rat. + + _Cock._ Gammer, chave been there as you bad, you wot well about what. + 'Twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear off a book, + He bids you see ye be at home, and there for him to look. + + _Gammer._ Where didst thou find him, boy? was he not where I told thee? + + _Cock._ Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by him that bought and + sold me! + A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire; + Chad much ado to go and come, all was so full of mire. + And, gammer, one thing I can tell: Hob Filcher's nawl was lost, + And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door-post. + I chold a penny can say something, your nee'le again to set. + + _Gammer._ Cham glad to hear so much, Cock, then trust he will not let + To help us herein best he can; therefore, till time he come + Let us go in; if there be ought to get thou shalt have some. + + + + +THE FOURTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE. + +DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER GURTON. + + + _Doctor Rat._ A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark, + Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk, + Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while a day, + But he must trudge about the town, this way and that way; + Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent, + And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment! + I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale, + But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway at my tail, + And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what! + If once her finger's-end but ache--trudge, call for Doctor Rat! + And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose; + For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a goose. + I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they have their tale, + The matter whereabout I come is not worth a halfpennyworth of ale; + Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a gloser + Else ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser. + What work ye, Gammer Gurton? How? here is your friend Mast Rat. + + _Gammer._ Ah! good Mast Doctor! 'cha troubled, 'cha troubled you, + 'chwot well that. + + _Doctor Rat._ How do ye, woman? be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease? + + _Gammer._ By Gis, Master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease. + Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you, by gigs! + + _Doctor Rat._ Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her + pigs? + + _Gammer._ No, but chad been as good they had as this, ich wot well. + + _Doctor Rat._ What is the matter? + + _Gammer._ Alas, alas! 'cha lost my good nee'le! + My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what, a drab came by and spied it, + And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it. + + _Doctor Rat._ What was she that? + + _Gammer._ A dame, ich warrant you! She began to scold and brawl-- + Alas, alas! come hither, Hodge! this wretch can tell you all. + + +THE FOURTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE. + +HODGE, DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER, DICCON. + + + _Hodge._ Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar. + + _Doctor Rat._ Come on, fellow, let us hear! + Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear; + Let's see what thou canst say. + + _Hodge._ By m' fay, sir, that ye shall, + What matter soever there was done, ich can tell your maship [all]: + My Gammer Gurton here, see now, + Sat her down at this door, see now; + And, as she began to stir her, see now, + Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now; + And while her staff she took, see now, + At Gib her cat to fling, see now, + Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now-- + Is not this a wondrous thing, see now? + Then came the quean dame Chat, see now, + To ask for her black cup, see now: + And even here at this gate, see now, + She took that nee'le up, see now: + My gammer then she yede, see now, + Her nee'le again to bring, see now, + And was caught by the head, see now-- + Is not this a wondrous thing, see now? + She tare my gammer's coat, see now, + And scratched her by the face, see now; + Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now-- + Is not this a wondrous case, see now? + When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now, + And stert between them twain, see now; + Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now, + My gammer had been slain, see now. + + _Gammer._ This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told; + And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould. + But help us, good Master, beseech ye that ye do: + Else shall we both be beaten and lose our nee'le too. + + _Doctor Rat._ What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone; + I will do the best that I can, to set you both at one. + But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found? + + _Gammer._ Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground. + Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me: + And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity! + + _Doctor Rat._ Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express. + Wilt thou be sworn thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have? + + _Diccon._ Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then might ye think me + rave! + + _Gammer._ Why, did'st not thou tell me so even here? canst thou for + shame deny it? + + _Diccon._ Ay, marry, gammer; but I said I would not abide by it. + + _Doctor Rat._ Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it? + + _Diccon._ "Stick to it," quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it! + Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown + In his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known. + If such a toy be used oft among the honesty, + It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree. + + _Doctor Rat._ Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell! + + _Diccon._ Yea, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel. + If mother Chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes; + Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close, + And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use, + That ere ye could go twice to church I warrant you hear news. + She shall look well about her, but, I durst lay a pledge, + Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge. + + _Gammer._ Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge. + + _Doctor Rat._ By the mass, I may not tarry so long to be your judge. + + _Diccon._ 'Tis but a little while, man; what! take so much pain! + If I hear no news of it, I will come sooner again. + + _Hodge._ Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness! + + _Doctor Rat._ Then let us hie us inward, and, Diccon, speed thy + business. + + _Diccon._ Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just, + And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust; + But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must, + For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust. + + +THE FOURTH ACT. THE THIRD SCENE. + +DICCON, CHAT. + + + _Diccon._ Good even, dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place! + + _Chat._ Good even, my friend Diccon; whither walk ye this pace? + + _Diccon._ By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth. + Heard ye no more of the other matter? say me now, by your troth! + + _Chat._ O yes, Diccon, hear the old whore and Hodge, that great knave-- + But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen--O Lord, I drest them brave! + She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck, + Till I made her old weasand to answer again, "keck!" + And Hodge, that dirty dastard, that at her elbow stands-- + If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands, + He had had his beard shaven if my nails would have served, + And not without a cause, for the knave is well deserved. + + _Diccon._ By the mass, I can thee thank, wench, thou didst so well + acquit thee! + + _Chat._ And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit + thee + For laughter. The whoreson dolt at last caught up a club, + As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub. + But I set him soon inward. + + _Diccon._ O Lord, there is the thing! + That Hodge is so offended! that makes him start and fling! + + _Chat._ Why? makes the knave any moiling, as ye have seen or heard? + + _Diccon._ Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd, + And sware by heaven and hell he would a-wreak his sorrow, + And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow; + Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust. + Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost. + + _Chat._ The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground. + + _Diccon._ Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round. + Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead + A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need? + + _Chat._ Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down, even within these two + days. + + _Diccon._ Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways. + + _Chat._ O Christ! that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have + his meed! + + _Diccon._ Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your + creed. + I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well. + + _Chat._ I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell. + By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter, + He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water, + With a worse turn besides; when he will, let him come. + + _Diccon._ I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth "mum"! + + +THE FOURTH ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE. + +DICCON, DOCTOR RAT. + + + _Diccon._ Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again. + And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain! + + _Doctor Rat._ What good news, Diccon, fellow? is mother Chat at home? + + _Diccon._ She is, sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom; + Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was. + + _Doctor Rat._ The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it + to pass? + + _Diccon._ I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better, + And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her. + + _Doctor Rat._ Why, hast thou spied the nee'le? quickly, I pray thee, + tell! + + _Diccon._ I have spied it, in faith, sir, I handled myself so well; + And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump. + But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump. + + _Doctor Rat._ How so, I pray thee, Diccon? + + _Diccon._ Marry, sir, will ye hear? + She was clapp'd down on the backside, by Cock's mother dear, + And there she sat sewing a halter or a band, + With no other thing save gammer's needle in her hand. + As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt, + She needs but once puff, and her candle is out: + Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin, + Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within; + And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes; + Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies. + + _Doctor Rat._ O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy stead! + + _Diccon._ Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed, + I will bring you to a place, as the house stands, + Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands. + + _Doctor Rat._ For God's sake do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown + To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town. + + _Diccon._ Follow me but a little, and mark what I will say; + Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way! + See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creep + Into the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap; + There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together. + Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither! + + _Doctor Rat._ Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not + hereabout? + + _Diccon._ I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt. + Go softly, make no noise; give me your foot, sir John, + Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon. + + [_D. Rat creeps in._ + + _Doctor Rat_ [_calling from within_]. Help, Diccon! out alas! I shall + be slain among them! + + _Diccon._ If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will + hang them. + Ware that! How, my wenches! have ye caught the fox, + That used to make revel among your hens and cocks? + Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain. + Gog's bread! I am afraid they will beat out his brain. + + _Doctor Rat._ Woe worth the hour that I came here! + And woe worth him that wrought this gear! + A sort of drabs and queans have me blest-- + Was ever creature half so evil drest? + Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it + He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it! + I will spend all I have without my skin + But he shall be brought to the plight I am in! + Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears, + Will snaffle these murderers, and all that them bears: + I will surely neither bite nor sup + Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up. + + + + +THE FIFTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE. + +MASTER BAILY, DOCTOR RAT. + + + _Baily._ I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart, + But either ye are in all the fault, or else in the greatest part. + + _Doctor Rat._ If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs, + When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves, + Then I confess my fault herein, at this season; + But I hope you will not judge so much against reason. + + _Baily._ And, methinks, by your own tale, of all that ye name, + If any played the thief, you were the very same. + The women they did nothing, as your words made probation, + But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion. + If that a thief at your window to enter should begin, + Would you hold forth your hand and help to pull him in? + Or you would keep him out? I pray you answer me. + + _Doctor Rat._ Marry, keep him out! and a good cause why! + But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk. + + _Baily._ Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark? + I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose! + Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose + And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse? + Me-think you may be glad that your luck was no worse. + + _Doctor Rat._ Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think? + + [_Showing his broken head._ + + _Baily._ Yea, but a man in the dark, if chances do wink, + As soon he smites his father as any other man, + Because for lack of light discern him he ne can. + Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain? + + _Doctor Rat._ I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the + brain. + If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks. + + _Baily._ By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks! + To come in on the back side, when ye might go about! + I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out. + + _Doctor Rat._ Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat. + And know what she intended? I ask no more but that. + + _Baily._ Let her be called, fellow, because of + Master Doctor [_to Scapethrift_], + I warrant in this case she will be her own proctor; + She will tell her own tale in metre or in prose, + And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose. + + +THE FIFTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE. + +M. BAILY, CHAT, D. RAT, GAMMER, HODGE, DICCON. + + + _Baily._ Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you here complained + That you and your maids should him much misorder, + And taketh many an oath, that no word be feigned, + Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder; + And on his part again, that same man saith furder, + He never offended you in word nor intent. + To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent. + + _Chat._ That I would have murdered him? fie on him, wretch! + And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech. + I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts, + He feigneth this tale out of his own guts; + For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down. + [_To Rat._] Nay, ye have other minions, in the other end of the town, + Where ye were liker to catch such a blow, + Than anywhere else, as far as I know! + + _Baily._ Belike, then Master Doctor, yon stripe there ye got not! + + _Doctor Rat._ Think you I am so mad that where I was bet I wot not? + Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it? + It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it. + + _Chat._ What, man, will you say I broke your head? + + _Doctor Rat._ How canst thou prove the contrary? + + _Chat._ Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed? + + _Doctor Rat._ Too plainly, by St Mary, + This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke! + [_Showing his broken head._ + + _Chat._ Because thy head is broken, was it I that it broke? + I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight. + + _Doctor Rat._ No, marry, thou sawest me not; for why thou hadst no + light; + But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks! + And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks. + [_Showing his head._ + + _Baily._ Answer me to this, Mast Rat: when caught you this harm of + yours? + + _Doctor Rat._ A while ago, sir, God he knoweth, within less than + these two hours. + + _Baily._ Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) + about that season? + What, woman? let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason. + + _Chat._ Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far + Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar, + And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me; + But what is that to this man, since this was not he? + + _Baily._ Who was it then? let's hear! + + _Doctor Rat._ Alas, sir, ask you that? + Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat? + The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie, + Only upon a bare nay she saith it was not I. + + _Chat._ No, marry, was it not indeed! ye shall hear by this one thing: + This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning, + And bad me well look to my roost, and all my capons' pens, + For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens. + Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch; + And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch. + What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains, + I wot not, but sure I am he had something for his pains! + + _Baily._ Yet tell'st thou not who it was. + + _Chat._ Who it was? A false thief, + That came like a false fox, my pullen to kill and mischief! + + _Baily._ But knowest thou not his name? + + _Chat._ I know it, but what than? + It was that crafty cullion Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man. + + _Baily._ Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks. + I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks! + + _Doctor Rat._ I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes; + An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies: + When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear, + She layeth the fault in such a one as I know was not there. + + _Chat._ Was he not there? look on his pate, that shall be his witness! + + _Doctor Rat._ I would my head were half so whole; I would seek no + redress! + + _Baily._ God bless you, Gammer Gurton! + + _Gammer._ God 'eild ye, master mine! + + _Baily._ Thou hast a knave within thy house--Hodge, a servant of thine; + They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one, + That hen, pig, goose or capon, thy neighbour can have none. + + _Gammer._ By God, cham much a-meved to hear any such report! + Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have him in that sort. + + _Chat._ A thievisher knave is not on-live, more filching, nor more + false; + Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse; + And thou, his dame--of all his theft thou art the sole receiver; + For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never knew none better! + + _Gammer._ Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out a-door, + Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore; + And ich knew Hodge as bad as t'ou, ich wish me endless sorrow + And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to-morrow! + + _Chat._ What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou ill-favor'd old + trot? + + _Gammer._ A great deal more, by God's blest, than chever by thee got! + That thou knowest well, I need not say it. + + _Baily._ Stop there, I say, + And tell me here, I pray you, this matter by the way, + How chance Hodge is not here? him would I fain have had. + + _Gammer._ Alas, sir, he'll be here anon; a' be handled too bad. + + _Chat._ Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool, well I know. + But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw. + + [_Thinking that Hodge his head was broke,_ _and that Gammer + would not let him come before them._ + + _Gammer._ Chill show you his face, ich warrant thee; lo, now where + he is! + + _Baily._ Come on, fellow, it is told me thou art a shrew, i-wis: + Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox; + Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks. + + _Hodge._ Ich defy them all that dare it say, cham as true as the best! + + _Baily._ Wert not thou take within this hour in dame Chat's hens'-nest? + + _Hodge._ Take there? no, master; chould not do't for a house full of + gold! + + _Chat._ Thou, or the devil in thy coat--swear this I dare be bold. + + _Doctor Rat._ Swear me no swearing, quean, the devil he give thee + sorrow! + All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow! + Where is the harm he hath? show it, by God's bread! + Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head! + + _Hodge._ Beat me! Gog's blessed body, chould first, ich trow, have + burst thee! + Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust thee! + + _Chat._ Thou shitten knave, I trow thou knowest the full weight of + my fist; + I am foully deceived unless thy head and my door-bar kissed. + + _Hodge._ Hold thy chat, whore; thou criest so loud, can no man else + be heard? + + _Chat._ Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I would surely rap thy + costard! + + _Baily._ Sir, answer me to this: Is thy head whole or broken? + + _Hodge._ Yea, Master Baily, blest be every good token, + Is my head whole! Ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor scald! + What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild or bald? + Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou may'st spend + That chad one scab on my narse as broad as thy finger's end. + + _Baily._ Come nearer here! + + _Hodge._ Yes, that ich dare. + + _Baily._ By our Lady, here is no harm, + Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's charm. + + _Chat._ By Gog's blest, however the thing he cloaks or smolders, + I know the blows he bare away, either with head or shoulders. + Camest thou not, knave, within this hour, creeping into my pens, + And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens? + + _Hodge._ A plague both on the hens and thee! a cart, whore, a cart! + Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and chwere as false as thou + art! + Give my gammer again her washical thou stole away in thy lap! + + _Gammer._ Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap; + This drab she keeps away my good, the devil he might her snare. + Ich pray you that ich might have a right action on her [fare]. + + _Chat._ Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sow's? + I am as true, I would thou knew, as skin between thy brows. + + _Gammer._ Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger! + + _Chat._ Thou shalt answer, by God's pity, for this thy foul slander! + + _Baily._ Why, what can you charge her withal? to say so ye do not well. + + _Gammer._ Marry, a vengeance to her heart! the whore has stol'n my + nee'le! + + _Chat._ Thy needle, old witch! how so? it were alms thy soul to knock! + So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n thy cock. + And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten, + The devil pull out thy lying tongue and teeth that be so rotten! + + _Gammer._ Give me my nee'le! as for my cock, chould be very loth + That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth. + + _Baily._ Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in + fault. + + _Gammer._ Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bread and + salt! + + _Baily._ Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold. + Methinks you should remember this is no place to scold. + How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had? + + _Gammer._ To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad. + + _Baily._ Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly. + + _Gammer._ Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly, + Even he that looked on--will swear on a book-- + What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took, + Diccon, Master, the Bedlam, cham very sure ye know him. + + _Baily._ A false knave, by God's pity! ye were but a fool to trow him. + I durst aventure well the price of my best cap, + That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape, + Told he not you that besides she stole your cock that tide? + + _Gammer._ No, master, no indeed; for then he should have lied. + My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine. + + _Chat._ Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore, that Tib of thine, + Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house was eaten. + That lying cut is lost that she is not swinged and beaten, + And yet for all my good name it were a small amends! + I pick not this gear, hear'st thou, out of my fingers' ends; + But he that heard it told me, who thou of late didst name, + Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same. + + _Baily._ This is the case: you lost your nee'le about the doors, + And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours; + Thus in your talk and action, from that you do intend, + She is whole five mile wide, from that she doth defend. + Will you say she hath your cock? + + _Gammer._ No, marry, sir, that chill not. + + _Baily._ Will you confess her nee'le? + + _Chat._ Will I? no, sir, will I not. + + _Baily._ Then there lieth all the matter. + + _Gammer._ Soft, master, by the way! + Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay. + + _Baily._ Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing, + Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing. + I ween the end will prove this brawl did first arise + Upon no other ground but only Diccon's lies. + + _Chat._ Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them, + Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them. + + _Baily._ What other thing beside this, dame Chat? + + _Chat._ Marry, sir, even this. + The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his; + He gave me, like a friend, warning against my loss, + Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross! + He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed, + But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed. + This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report. + + _Baily._ If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort. + + _Doctor Rat._ By God's mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes! + Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes. + Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou should'st stand to meet + him? + + _Chat._ Yes, by the mass, and if he came, bad me not stick to spit him. + + _Doctor Rat._ God's sacrament! the villain knave hath dress'd us round + about! + He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout! + When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a rueful moan, + I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone; + And this to try, he further said, he was full loth; howbeit + He was content with small ado to bring me where to see it. + And where ye sat, he said full certain, if I would follow his reed, + Into your house a privy way he would me guide and lead, + And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout, + And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out: + And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees, + I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward and fees. + Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell. + In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well. + + _Hodge._ Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape that stour? And chad + been there, + Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill, by the mass, as Gaffer Vicar. + + _Baily._ Marry, sir, here is a sport alone; I looked for such an end. + If Diccon had not play'd the knave, this had been soon amend. + My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her as she was; + And goodwife Chat he set to scold, till both parts cried, alas! + And Doctor Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare. + I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share. + + _Hodge._ Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a + colt! + And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt. + + _Baily._ Sir knave, make haste Diccon were here; fetch him, wherever + he be! + + _Chat._ Fie on the villain, fie, fie! that makes us thus agree! + + _Gammer._ Fie on him, knave, with all my heart! now fie, and fie again! + + _Doctor Rat._ Now "fie on him!" may I best say, whom he hath almost + slain. + + _Baily._ Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he was not far! + Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot spare. + + _Diccon._ God bless you, and you may be bless'd, so many all at once! + + _Chat._ Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones! + Seest not thy handiwork? Sir Rat, can ye forbear him? + + _Diccon._ A vengeance on those hands light, for my hands came not + near him. + The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives' + chairs, + That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs. + + _Baily._ Nay, soft! thou may'st not play the knave, and have this + language too! + If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do. + Confess the truth, as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable; + And for thy fault I promise thee thy handling shall be reasonable. + Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears? + + _Diccon._ What if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these + seven years: + I am sorry for nothing else but that I see not the sport + Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report. + + _Baily._ The greatest thing--Master Rat, ye see how he is dress'd! + + _Diccon._ What devil need he be groping so deep, in goodwife Chat's + hens' nest? + + _Baily._ Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars. + + _Diccon._ God's bread! hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears? + He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a cox, + The cat was not so madly allured by the fox + To run into the snares was set for him, doubtless; + For he leapt in for mice, and this Sir John for madness. + + _Doctor Rat._ Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel, lither, and lazy, + I will go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy. + In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you set him fast. + + _Diccon._ What! fast at cards or fast on sleep? it is the thing I did + last. + + _Doctor Rat._ Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to thy + deeds. + + _Baily._ Master Doctor, there is no remedy, + I must entreat you needs Some other kind of punishment. + + _Doctor Rat._ Nay, by All-Hallows! + His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought else but the gallows. + + _Baily._ That were too sore; a spiritual man to be so extreme! + + _Doctor Rat._ Is he worthy any better, sir? how do you judge and deem? + + _Baily._ I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise so great. + + _Gammer._ It is a shame, ich tell you plain, for such false knaves + entreat. + He has almost undone us all--that is as true as steel-- + And yet for all this great ado cham never the near my nee'le! + + _Baily._ Canst thou not say anything to that, Diccon, with least or + most? + + _Diccon._ Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say well, the nee'le is + lost. + + _Baily._ Nay, canst not thou tell which way that needle may be found? + + _Diccon._ No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an hundred pound. + + _Hodge._ Thou liar, lickdish, didst not say the nee'le would be gitten? + + _Diccon._ No, Hodge; by the same token you were that time beshitten + For fear of hobgoblin--you wot well what I mean; + As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean. + + _Baily._ Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to + forgive. + Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean shreve, + If ye to me consent, to amend this heavy chance, + I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance, + Of this condition--where ye know my fee is twenty pence: + For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense; + Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run + To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun. + + _Chat._ Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be your + debtor, + And all we that be here present will love you much the better. + + _Doctor Rat._ My part is the worst; but since you all hereon agree, + Go even to, Master Baily! let it be so for me! + + _Baily._ How say'st thou, Diccon? art content this shall on me depend? + + _Diccon._ Go to, Mast Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend. + + _Baily._ Then mark ye well: To recompense this thy former action-- + Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction-- + Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach-- + For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech: + First, for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse, + Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse; + And when ye meet at one pot he shall have the first pull, + And thou shalt never offer him the cup but it be full. + To goodwife that thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise, + If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice. + Thou shalt be bound by the same, here as thou dost take it, + When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it. + For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be, + To help her to her needle again if it do lie in thee; + And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that, + To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat. + Last of all, for Hodge the oath to scan, + Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman. + + _Hodge._ Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even with thee now! + + _Baily._ Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, I trow? + + _Diccon._ No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it! + Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it. + But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not beshit me! + + [_And give him a good blow on the buttock._ + + _Hodge._ Gog's heart! thou false villain, dost thou bite me? + + _Baily._ What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee ere ever he begin? + + _Hodge._ He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin or a pin. + [_He discovers the needle._ + I say, gammer! gammer! + + _Gammer._ How now, Hodge, how now? + + _Hodge._ God's malt, gammer Gurton! + + _Gammer._ Thou art mad, ich trow! + + _Hodge._ Will you see the devil, gammer? + + _Gammer._ The devil, son! God bless us! + + _Hodge._ Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer-- + + _Gammer._ Marry, see, ye might dress us-- + + _Hodge._ Chave it, by the mass, gammer! + + _Gammer._ What, not my nee'le, Hodge? + + _Hodge._ Your nee'le, gammer! your nee'le! + + _Gammer._ No, fie, dost but dodge! + + _Hodge._ Ch' a found your nee'le, gammer, here in my hand be it! + + _Gammer._ For all the loves on earth, Hodge, let me see it! + + _Hodge._ Soft, gammer! + + _Gammer._ Good Hodge! + + _Hodge._ Soft, ich say; tarry a while! + + _Gammer._ Nay, sweet Hodge, say truth, and not me beguile! + + _Hodge._ Cham sure on it, ich warrant you; it goes no more astray. + + _Gammer._ Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still say me nay? + + _Hodge._ Go near the light, gammer, this--well, in faith, good luck!-- + Ch'was almost undone, 'twas so far in my buttock! + + _Gammer._ 'Tis mine own dear nee'le, Hodge, sikerly I wot! + + _Hodge._ Cham I not a good son, gammer, cham I not? + + _Gammer._ Christ's blessing light on thee, hast made me for ever! + + _Hodge._ Ich knew that ich must find it, else chould a' had it never! + + _Chat._ By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even as glad + As though I mine own self as good a turn had! + + _Baily._ And I, by my conscience, to see it so come forth, + Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth. + + _Doctor Rat._ I am no whit sorry to see you so rejoice. + + _Diccon._ Nor I much the gladder for all this noise; + Yet say, "Gramercy, Diccon!" for springing of the game. + + _Gammer._ Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O, how glad cham! + If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither, + Master Rat, Goodwife Chat, and Diccon together, + Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it, + And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it. + If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink. + + _Baily._ I am content, if the rest think as I think. + Master Rat, it shall be best for you if we so do, + Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too. + + _Diccon._ Soft, sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more! + As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before! + But now, my good masters, since we must be gone, + And leave you behind us here all alone; + Since at our last ending thus merry we be, + For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a plaudite. + + +FINIS. + + +Gurton. Perused and Allowed, &c. Imprinted at London, in Fleetstreate, +beneath the Conduite, at the signe of S. John Euangelist, by Thomas +Colwell, 1575. + +[Illustration: [The device of Thomas Colwell, the printer of "Gammer +Gurton's Needle."]] + + + + +A NOTE-BOOK AND WORD-LIST + +INCLUDING + +CONTEMPORARY REFERENCES, NOTES, &C., TOGETHER WITH A GLOSSARY OF WORDS +AND PHRASES NOW ARCHAIC OR OBSOLETE; THE WHOLE ARRANGED IN ONE ALPHABET +IN DICTIONARY FORM. + + +A FORE-WORD TO NOTE-BOOK AND WORD-LIST + + +_Reference from text to Note-Book is copious, and as complete as may be. +The following pages may, with almost absolute certainty, be consulted on +any point that may occur in the course of reading._ + + +[Illustration] + +NOTE-BOOK AND WORD-LIST TO GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE + + 'A, the infinitive _have_. + + A-FINE, now, at the moment: _i.e._ at the finish. + + ALEWIVES, women keeping ale-houses. + + ALL-HALLOWS, the old name for All Saints' Day (1st Nov.): + formerly ushered in by the ceremonies and merrymakings of + All-Hallowe'en. + + ALMS, ALMS-DEED, charity, godsend. + + A-MEVED, moved, disturbed. + + AND, if. + + APERN, apron: the usual early form of the word. + + ARRAYED, (_a_) disconcerted, afflicted, put out. (_b_) + bespattered. + + AVENTURE, venture, risk, wager. + + A-WREAK, avenge. + + + BACK SIDE, at the back of the house, backyard. + + BALD, short for bald-head, bald-pate: a generic term of abuse. + + BALKS, beams, rafters, an overhead rack used for storing bacon. + + BEDLAM, a crazy beggar, real or assumed: properly a + convalescent from Bethlehem Hospital, an asylum for lunatics + since 1547. Many of these unfortunates, being either unable or + unwilling to work, adopted vagrancy as a profession, the Simon + Pures being avouched by an official arm-badge. These were + considerably augmented by the often deserving (but more + frequently spurious) poor who had, until the dissolution of the + monasteries, been the special care of the religious. + + BET, the old past tense of _beat_: still dialectical. + + BLEST, bliss. + + BODY-LOUSE, proud, conceited, fine. Later we get _"brisk as a + body-louse"_ (Ray). + + BONABLE, abominable. + + BOOTS, avails, profits, is of advantage, matters. + + BORROW, pledge, security. + + BOULOGNE, _Our dear Lady of Boulogne,_ the image of the Virgin + Mary at Boulogne, formerly in so much reverence that + pilgrimages were made to it. + + BRAWL, brat, offspring. + + BREAD AND SALT, a common sixteenth-century oath, probably as + symbolising the necessaries of life. + + BURSTING, breaking. + + BY AND BY, immediately. + + CALLET, a lewd woman, drab, scold. + + CANDLE, "a _candle_ shall they have a piece." In all cases of + distress it was usual with Roman Catholics to promise their + tutelary saints to light up candles at their altars. + + CHAD, see Cham. + + CHAM, I am. The rustic dialect in the piece is conventional, + but its general peculiarities are those of the south-western + counties: _iche_ = I, reduced to _ch_ in _cham_, _chould_, or + _chwold_ (I would), _chwere_, &c. The south-western _v_ for _f_ + is not generally used, but occurs in _vylthy_, _vast_, and in + _vathers_; _glaye_ (p. 5) for clay is probably not genuine + dialect. + + CHANNOT, see Cham. + + CHAVE, see Cham. + + CHILL, see Cham. + + CHOLD, I hold. _To hold a noble_ = to wager or bet. + + CHOPE, see Cham. + + CHWOLD, see Cham. + + CLOTH, "painted on a _cloth_," the cloth hangings of taverns on + which were depicted such popular themes as the Nine Worthies, + the Prodigal Son, and, as in this case, Friar Rush (_q.v._). + + COAT, see Walk. + + COCK'S BODY, COCK'S PASSION, COCK'S PRECIOUS, &c., a corruption + of God: euphemistic. + + COCK'S MOTHER (p. 44), see previous entry: the reader must not + fall into the error of thinking that Gammer Gurton is here + meant. + + COLOGNE, "the three kings of _Cologne_." These are supposed to + have been the wise men who travelled to Bethlehem by the + direction of the star. To these kings have been given the names + of Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthazar. + + COMMODITY, a word which formerly had plenty to do: anything + that afforded advantage, interest, or convenience was + _commodity_--profit, interest, accommodation, opportunity, + wares, goods, movables, and even harlots. + + COSTARD, (_a_) the head, pate. + + (_b_) a large kind of apple. + + COUNSEL, in secrecy, confidence. + + COX, a coxcomb, fool: jesters formerly wore a cap surmounted by + a comb or crest resembling that of a cock: cf. cokes = fool. + + CRAB, _i.e._ a roasted crabapple put in a bowl of ale: it + served a double purpose, to flavour and also to "chill" the + beverage. + + CRUST, crushed. + + CULLION, poltroon, base contemptible fellow: a generic term of + abuse. + + CURTAL, a short-tailed horse, one docked in the tail. + + CUT, a gelding: hence of both sexes, but specifically of women. + + DAINTRELS, dainties, delicacies, luxuries. + + DAISY, "leap at a _daisy_," be hanged. The allusion is to a + story of a man who, when the noose was adjusted round his neck, + leapt off with the words, "Have at yon daisy that grows + yonder." + + DEFY, refuse, deny, renounce. + + DICCON, a nickname for Richard: see Bedlam. + + DISEASE, anxiety, trouble: originally general in meaning = + absence of ease. + + DOAT, rave, act the fool. + + DOCK, tail, backside: _i.e._ get his backside kicked. + + DODGE, "ga' me the _dodge_," _i.e._ cheated, tricked me. + + DRAB, a generic reproach--strumpet, slattern, slut. + + DRESS'D, served out, done for. + + EVERYCHONE, everyone. + + DUMP, ill of ease, melancholy: now obsolete in the singular. + + EKE, also, besides, likewise, moreover: still occasional in + poetry. + + FELLOW, (_a_) "originally a courteous mode of addressing a + servant, like the French _mon ami_: here _fellow_ = comrade" + (Bradley). + + (_b_) "Not thy _fellow_, but thy dame," _i.e._ not thy equal, + but thy mistress. + + FILTH, vile person: a strong reproach. + + FLYING FIEND, the devil. + + FORTY, generic for an indefinite number: forty pence (or ten + groats) = the sum commonly offered for a small wager. Several + law fees were fixed at that sum, viz., 3s. 4d.; and when money + was reckoned by pounds, marks, and nobles, forty pence was just + the half-noble, or the sixth of a pound. + + FOX, "allured by the _fox_," see _History of Reynard the Fox_ + (1701), vii. (Steevens). + + FRIAR RUSH, the principal character in a popular folk-lore + story translated from the German. The devil, in friar's garb, + seeking to corrupt a convent of monks by delicious fare, + assumes human shape, knocks at the door, and is admitted as + cook's boy. A favourable opportunity enabling him to dispose of + his chief in a boiling cauldron, he is appointed to his place. + The virtue of the convent is now at his mercy: the monks forget + prayer and fasting over Ruus' exquisite cookery. Strife and + wantonness creep in, and the monks are all but lost, when a + peasant who has involuntarily overheard a conclave of devils + discussing Ruus, discloses his true nature. The abbot, + summoning all the monks into the church, seizes Ruus, + transforms him into a red horse, and commits him to the power + of hell (Herford). There are several versions, the earliest + known English one bearing date 1620, but the Stationers' + Company registers show it as entered in 1568-9. That the story + was extremely popular is obvious from numerous contemporary + allusions. + + GAFFER, formerly a respectful address, but now in contempt: a + corruption of _granfer_, itself a corruption of _grandfather_. + The co-relative is _gammer_ (_q.v._). + + GAMMER, an old wife, old lady: formerly, like _gaffer_ (which + see), a respectful address. _Gammer_ = grammer = grandmother. + + GEAR, a word, if not of-all-work, with plenty to do--goods, + property in general, outfit, tools, necessaries, materials, + stuffs, matters, business, affairs, manners, habits, customs, + rubbish, trash--all are included: sometimes = affair, + contention. + + GIB, (_a_) a generic name for male cats: hence a common + reproach. + + (_b_) "To set the gib forward" = to expedite matters: + proverbial. + + GIS, GYS, JIS, &c., Jesus: supposed by some to be a corruption + of the letters I.H.S. anciently set on altars, covers of books, + &c., to denote the name of Jesus: rather, however, from the + name itself. + + GITTEN, got. + + GLAY, see Cham. + + GLOOMING, sulking: cf. "glum." + + GOD, "God 'ield you" (p. 143a), _i.e._ God yield you = God + reward you: the compositor has duplicated the _d_ of _God_ in + the next word: cf. _Good den_, _God deven_ = good e'en. + + GOG'S (_passim_), God's. Thus, Gog's blest, Gog's bones, Gog's + bread, Gog's cross, Gog's malison, Gog's sacrament, Gog's + sides, Gog's soul, Gog's wounds. + + GOOD, property. + + GOSSIP, a sponsor in baptism: hence an intimate acquaintance, + neighbour. + + GRAMMERCY, an exclamation of surprise and thanks: Fr. _grand + merci_. + + HALSE, neck, throat. + + HAVE, behave. + + HODDEPEAK, fool, cuckold. + + HOLD, wager, bet. + + HONESTY, the honest sort of people. + + HOOD, "I can drink With him that wears a _hood_," _i.e._ a + friar; an allusion to their notoriously drunken habits. + + INOWE, enough. + + I-WIS, I-WYS, certainly, indeed, truly. + + JAKES, privy, cesspool: Gammer racks her vocabulary for terms + of reproach. + + JAPE, jest, joke. + + JET, JETTETH, in modern phrase to put on "side" (in word or + act), brag, strut, vaunt, swagger: also in a weaker sense = to + go. + + KIND, nature. + + LEAD, copper. + + LESE, lose. + + LET, hindrance, hinder: archaic except in the phrase "without + let or hindrance." + + LEVE, dear, beloved: _i.e. lief_. + + LICKDISH, parasite. + + LITHER, sluggish, spiritless, or as Hazlitt says "wicked," but + the true reading is an open question. + + LONGS, is appropriate to, fitting for, beseeming. + + LOOSE-BREECH, a slovenly lout. + + LOSE (p. 27), read _lese_ for the rhyme. + + LOSEL, a generic reproach--profligate, rake, scoundrel; and (in + weakened form) ne'er-do-well, good-for-nothing. + + MALT-WORM, tippler, toper. + + MAS, a vulgar or jocular shortening of _master_, usually + followed by a proper name or official title: also Mast. + + MASTERDOM, mastership. + + MELL, meddle, fight, interfere. + + MEVE, move. + + MINDS, intends, purposes. + + MINIONS, wantons, strumpets: also in a weaker sense, favourite, + darling. + + MO, more. + + MOILING, ado, toiling. + + MOT, may. + + NARSE, one of many instances in which _n_ is found prefixed to + a word properly commencing with a vowel: cf. _newt_, + _nickname_, _nuncle_; also the converse flexion omitting _n_, + _adder_, _apron_, _umpire_, _orange_, for _nadder_, _napron_, + _numpire_, _norange_. + + NAWL, awl: see previous entry. + + NE, nor. + + NEAR, nearer. + + NICELY, carefully, quietly, gently. + + NOBLE, coin value 6s. 8d.: see Chold and Hold. + + NOTHER, neither, nor. + + ON-LIVE, alive, of which on-live is an earlier form. + + OR, ere. + + OUGHT, owed. + + PAD, see Straw. + + PALTER, to speak indistinctly, mumble. + + PARTS, parties. + + PARTY, person: once literary but now vulgar. + + PATCH, (_a_) fool, buffoon, jester: the nickname of Cardinal + Wolsey's domestic fool, whose real name was Sexton. Murray + suggests the influence of It. _pazzo_ (= fool), combined with + the motley wear of professional buffoons. + + (_b_), beat, drub, "dust." + + PATINS, "it went on _patins_" (p. 27), _i.e._ a great clatter + was made: often used figuratively of the tongue. + + PERFIT, perfect. + + PES, hassock: an East Anglian word. + + PIGSNIE, an endearment. + + PILD, stripped, shorn: whether by shaving or disease. + + PILL, plunder, strip. + + PIN, latch, bolt. + + PISSING WHILE, a short time. + + PLANCH, to plank on: _i.e._ to plaster by patching all round. + + POUPED, deceived. + + PRANCOME, anything odd or strange, a trick, device. + + PUDDINGS, entrails, guts. + + PULLEN, poultry. + + QUEAN, a wanton. + + RAKES (p. 32), a term of abuse: not found elsewhere, and + seemingly chosen because of the jingle: cf. the whole passage. + Possibly an abbreviated form of Rakehell or Rakeshame. + + RAMP, wanton, strumpet. + + RAVE, talk wildly, without thought. + + RECEIVER (p. 51), "perhaps we should read _recetter_ for the + sake of the rhyme" (Bradley). + + RECHLESS, "swear to Diccon, _rechless_" (p. 19), reckless: + _i.e._ without reservation, not minding the sense of the + humorous oath which the Baily administers. Another example of + similar fooling is the Highgate oath which travellers toward + London were required to take at a certain tavern at + Highgate--that they would not prefer small beer before strong, + unless indeed they liked the small better; never to kiss the + maid if they could kiss the mistress, unless the maid was + prettier; and other statements of a similar kind. + + REED, (_a_) rood. + + (=b=) counsel, advice. + + RIG, strumpet. + + RIGHT SIDE, "thou rose not on thy _right side_" (p. 17), _i.e._ + "you did not commence the day well," "you are not lucky." + + ROMTH, room, space. + + ROTTEN, rat. + + RUSH, see Friar Rush. + + ST. CHARITY, a known saint among Roman Catholics. + + ST. DOMINIC, the founder of the order of Dominicans or Black + Friars: the order was approved by Pope Innocent III. in 1215, + and was established in London, building the Convent of the + Blackfriars in 1276: the name is perpetuated in the bridge. + + SCABB'D HORSE, sorry "screw" of a horse: _scabb'd_ and _scald_ + (q.v.) are synonymous, and both are used in contempt. + + SCALD, scabby, mean, sorry: hence _scald squire_ = a term of + contempt; _scald_ (or _skald_), subs. = a mean wretch. + + SEVEN, proverbial, according to the context, for an indefinite + length of time. + + SHAVE, extort, strip, cheat. + + SHOEING-HORN, a pretext, an incitement. + + SHREVE, shrive, confess, absolve: _shreve_ by poetic licence. + + SHREW, (_a_) curse, call over the coals. + + (_b_) the word was formerly applied in contempt to both sexes. + + SHRIVE, confess: see Shreve. + + SIKERLY, securely, certainly. + + SIR JOHN, a priest. + + SIR REVERENCE, an apology on mentioning anything for which an + excuse was thought necessary. Lat. _salva reverentia_, whence + sa' reverence, sur-reverence, and sir-reverence. + + SITH, SITHENS, since, because. + + SLIP, neglect. + + SMELL, detect, understand, "twig." + + SMOLDERS, smothers. + + SORT, company, assembly. + + SOSSING, dashing, sousing. + + SPURRIER, harness-maker. + + SQUIRT, diarrhoea, squitters. + + STEWED WHORE, a foundered jade of the stews. + + STICK, be scrupulous, hesitate. + + STOUND, trouble, disaster, blow: also interval, time, station, + place--hence, generally, circumstances, exigence, situation. + + STOUR, uproar, tumult. + + STRAW, "a pad in the _straw_," toad: _i.e._ something lurking + or hidden. + + SWINK, labour, drudgery. + + SWYTH, with vigour and speed, promptly, quickly. + + TAR-LEATHER, a term of abuse. + + THE, "so mote I _the_," so may I thrive. + + THROAT-BOLE, gullet, windpipe. + + TOSSING, first-rate, sharp. + + T'OU, thou. + + TOWN, "the ground attached to the house: cf. Scots _toun_" + (Bradley). + + TOYS, generic for trifles, persons, and things of little + importance, tricks, fancies, &c. + + TROT, old woman; usually in contempt, and = drab, slut, + strumpet. + + TROWL, "_trowl_ to me the bowl" (p. 15), a common phrase in + drinking for passing the vessel about. + + TRUMP, the card game of triumph. + + TWENTY DEVIL WAY, a favourite malediction: _i.e._ in the name + of twenty devils. + + TWO-LEGGED FOX, a thief, _two-legged cat_ is a colloquialism + which is still of service in everyday speech as a retort to + blame put on a cat for stealing--"a _two-legged cat_, then!" + + WASHICAL, _i.e._ What shall I call [it]; in modern guise, + Whatch-em-may-call-it, &c. + + WEET, learn, know. + + WESE, we shall. + + WHEWLING, crying, blubbering, fretful. + + WIDE, wide of the mark: cf. modern slang usage = well-informed, + clever, &c. + + WOLL, will. + + YEDE, went. + + +R. CLAY AND SONS, LTD., BREAD ST. HILL, E.C., AND BUNGAY, SUFFOLK. + + + + + + + +The Museum Dramatists + + +REPRINTS OF NOTABLE PLAYS + + +_Each Volume complete in itself, with Introduction, Glossary, and +Facsimile Title-pages_ + +Price per Vol., boards, =1/6= net; cloth, =2/-= net + + +The Initial Volumes are:-- + +1. Gammer Gurton's Needle. + +2. Heywood's (J.) Four P.P. and The Pardoner and the Frere. + +3. Every Man. + +4. Tom Tiler and his Wife. + + +_These will be followed by others selected from the following_:-- + + Calisto and Melibaea + + Jack Juggler + + John John the Husband, Tib his Wife, and Sir John the Priest + + Grim the Collier of Croydon + + The Puritan, or the Widow of Watling Street + (Pseudo-Shakespearian) + + Fair Em (Pseudo-Shakespearian) + + Hickscorner + + Thersites + + Patient Grissel + + The Three Ladies of London + + The Three Lords and Three Ladies of London + + The Two Angry Women of Abingdon + + A Knack to Know a Knave + + Warning to Fair Women + + Dr. Dodypoll + + The Miseries of Enforced Marriage + + The Nice Wanton + + The Play of Love + + Wine, Beer, and Ale + + &c., &c., &c. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Gammer Gurton's Needle, by Mr. S. Mr. of Art + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE *** + +***** This file should be named 37503.txt or 37503.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/5/0/37503/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Katie Hernandez and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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