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diff --git a/37449-8.txt b/37449-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d47f3d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/37449-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5054 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Puppets at Large, by F. Anstey + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Puppets at Large + Scenes and Subjects from Mr Punch's Show + +Author: F. Anstey + +Illustrator: J. Bernard Partridge + +Release Date: September 17, 2011 [EBook #37449] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUPPETS AT LARGE *** + + + + +Produced by David Clarke, Katie Hernandez and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + +Puppets at Large + + + + + Puppets at Large + + Scenes and Subjects + From Mr. Punch's Show. + + By F. Anstey + Author of "Vice Versa," "Voces Populi," &c., &c. + + With Illustrations by + J. Bernard Partridge + + London + Bradbury, Agnew, & Co. Ld., Bouverie St., E.C. + 1897 + + BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, + LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + PAGE + Doing a Cathedral 1 + The Instantaneous Process 13 + In the Cause of Charity 27 + The Classical Scholar in Reduced Circumstances 43 + Rus in Urbe 51 + Catching the Early Boat 61 + Society's Next Craze 71 + An Ideal Interviewer 83 + Saturday Night in the Edgware Road 91 + The "Model Husband" Contest 101 + The Courier of the Hague 109 + Feeling their Way 119 + A Testimonial Manqué 131 + The Model Democracy 145 + By Parliamentary 159 + The Farming of the Future 167 + A Dialogue on Art 177 + The Old Love and the New 189 + A Doll's Diary 201 + Elevating the Masses 219 + Bookmakers on the Beach 231 + 'Igher Up! 243 + At a Highland Cattle Auction 257 + The Country of Cockaigne 265 + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + PAGE + "What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?" 11 + "What's she got hold of now?" 21 + "You have lofty ambitions and the artistic temperament" 37 + "They ain't on'y a lot o' sheep! I thought it was reciters, + or somethink o' that" 55 + "Mokestrians" 75 + "Dear, dear! _not_ a county family!" 125 + "Well, he's had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying that" 135 + "None of your humour here, mind!" 155 + "I cann't get nothen done to 'en till the weather's a bit + more hopen like" 171 + "They haven't the _patiensh_ for it" 183 + "It must be a sort of animal, I suppose" 193 + "I see _him_ standing on the very brink of the precipice" 209 + "To-night is ours!" 225 + "Why the blazes don't ye take it?" 239 + "Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!" 251 + "'Ere, Florrie, you ain't _croying_, are yer?" 271 + + + + +[Illustration] + + +DOING A CATHEDRAL. + +(A SKETCH FROM THE PROVINCES.) + + +_The interior of Dulchester Cathedral._ TIME--_About 12.30. The March +sunshine slants in pale shafts through the clerestory windows, leaving +the aisles in shadow. From without, the cawing of rooks and shouts of +children at play are faintly audible. By the West Door, a party of +Intending Sightseers have collected, and the several groups, feeling +that it would be a waste of time to observe anything in the building +until officially instructed to do so, are engaged in eyeing one another +with all the genial antipathy and suspicion of true-born Britons._ + + +A Stodgy Sightseer (_to his friend_). Disgraceful, keeping us standing +about like this! If I'd only known, I'd have told the head-waiter at the +"Mitre" to keep back those chops till---- + + [_He breaks off abruptly, finding that the chops are + reverberating from column to column with + disproportionate solemnity; a white-haired and + apple-faced verger rustles down from the choir + and beckons the party forward benignantly, whereupon they + advance with a secret satisfaction at the prospect of "getting + the cathedral 'done' and having the rest of the day to + themselves;" they are conducted to a desk and requested, as a + preliminary, to put sixpence apiece in the Restoration Fund + box and inscribe their names in a book._ + +_Confused Murmurs._ Would you put "Portico Lodge, Camden Road, or only +London?"... Here, I'd better sign for the lot of you, eh?... They +_might_ provide a better pen--in a _cathedral_, I _do_ think!... He +might have given all our names in full instead of just "And party!"... +Oh, I've been and made a blot--will it _matter_, should you think?... I +never _can_ write my name with people looking on, can _you_?... I'm sure +you've done it beautifully, dear!... Just hold my umbrella while I take +off my glove, Maria.... Oh, why _don't_ they make haste? &c., &c. + + [_The_ STODGY SIGHTSEER _fumes, feeling that, while they are + fiddling, his chops are burning._ + +The VERGER. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will please to follow me, +the portion of the building where we now are is part of the original +hedifice founded by Ealfrytha, wife of Earl Baldric, in the year height +'undred heighty-height, though we 'ave reason to believe that an even +hearlier church was in existence 'ere so far back as the Roman +occupation, as is proved by a hancient stone receptacle recently +discovered under the crypt and hevidently used for baptismal purposes. + +A SPECTACLED S. (_who feels it due to herself to put an intelligent +question at intervals._) What _was_ the method of baptism among the +Early Christians? + +The VERGER. We believe it to 'ave been by total immersion, Ma'am. + +The SPECT. S. Oh? _Baptists!_ + + [_She sets down the Early Christians as Dissenters, and takes + no further interest in them._ + +The VERGER. At the back of the choir, and immediately in front of you, +is the shrine, formerly containing the bones of St. Chasuble, with +relics of St. Alb. (_An_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER _snorts in disapproval._) +The 'ollow depressions in the steps leading up to the shrine, which are +still visible, were worn away, as you see, by the pilgrims ascending on +their knees. (_The party verify the depressions conscientiously, and +click their tongues to express indulgent contempt._) The spaces between +the harches of the shrine were originally enriched by valuable gems and +mosaics, all of which 'ave now long since disappeared, 'aving been +removed by the more devout parties who came 'ere on pilgrimages. In the +chapel to your left a monument with recumbent heffigies of Bishop +Buttress and Dean Gurgoyle, represented laying side by side with clasped +'ands, in token of the lifelong affection between them. The late Bishop +used to make a rather facetious remark about this tomb. He was in the +'abit of observing that it was the honly instance in _his_ experience of +a Bishop being on friendly terms with his Dean. (_He glances round for +appreciation of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained to find +that it has produced a general gloom; the_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER, +_indeed, conveys by another and a louder snort, his sense that a Bishop +ought to set a better example._) In the harched recess to your right, a +monument in painted halibarster to Sir Ralph Ringdove and his lady, +erected immediately after her decease by the disconsolate widower, with +a touching inscription in Latin, stating that their ashes would shortly +be commingled in the tomb. (_He pauses, to allow the ladies of the party +to express a becoming sympathy--which they do, by clicks._) Sir Ralph +himself, however, is interred in Ficklebury Parish Church, forty mile +from this spot, along with his third wife, who survived him. + + [_The ladies regard the image of Sir Ralph with + indignation, and pass on; the_ VERGER _chuckles faintly at + having produced his effect._ + +The EVANGELICAL S. (_snuffing the air suspiciously_). I'm sorry to +perceive that you are in the habit of burning _incense_ here! + + [_He looks sternly at the_ VERGER, _as though to imply that it + is useless to impose upon him._ + +The VERGER. No, Sir, what you smell ain't incense--on'y the vaults after +the damp weather we've bin 'aving. + + [_The_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER _drops behind, divided between + relief and disappointment._ + +A PLASTIC S. (_to the_ VERGER). What a perfectly _exquisite_ rose-window +that is! For all the world like a kaleidoscope. I suppose it dates from +the Norman period, at _least_? + +The VERGER (_coldly_). No, Ma'am, it was only put up about thirty year +ago. _We_ consider it the poorest glass we 'ave. + +The PLAST. S. Oh, the glass, yes; _that's_ hideous, certainly. I meant +the--the other part. + +The VERGER. The tracery, Ma'am? That was restored at the same time by a +local man--and a shocking job he made of it, too! + +The PLAST. S. Yes, it _quite_ spoils the Cathedral, _doesn't_ it? +Couldn't it be taken down? + +The VERGER (_in answer to another Inquirer_). Crowborough Cathedral +finer than this, Sir? Oh, _dear_ me, no. I went over a-purpose to 'ave a +look at it the last 'oliday I took, and I was quite surprised to find +'ow very inferior it was. The spire? I don't say that mayn't be 'igher +as a mere matter of feet, but our lantern-tower is so 'appily +proportioned as to give the effect of being by far the 'ighest in +existence. + +A TRAVELLED S. Ah, you should see the _continental_ cathedrals. Why, +_our_ towers would hardly come up to the top of the naves of some of +them! + +The VERGER (_loftily_). I don't take no notice of foreign cathedrals, +Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so ostentatious, all I can say is, +I'm sorry _for_ them. + +A LADY (_who has provided herself with a "Manual of Architecture" and an +unsympathetic_ COMPANION). _Do_ notice the excessive use of the +ball-flower as a decoration, dear. Parker says it is especially +characteristic of this cathedral. + +UNSYMPATHETIC COMPANION. I don't see _any_ flowers myself. And if they +like to decorate for festivals and that, where's the harm? + + [_The_ LADY WITH THE MANUAL _perceives that it is hopeless to + explain_. + +The VERGER. The dog-tooth mouldings round the triforium harches is +considered to belong to the best period of Norman work---- + +The LADY WITH THE MANUAL. Surely not _Norman_? Dog-tooth is Saxon, _I_ +always understood. + +The VERGER (_indulgently_). You'll excuse _me_, Ma'am, but I fancy it's +'erringbone as is running in _your_ 'ed. + +The LADY WITH THE M. (_after consulting "Parker" for corroboration, in +vain_). Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite _Early English_, anyway. (_To +her_ COMPANION.) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round arches +that gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear? + +Her COMP. No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in the +_idea_. + +The LADY WITH THE M. I do _wish_ you took more _interest_, dear. Look at +those two young men who have just come in. They don't _look_ as if +they'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of the +Miserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what _I_ like to see! + +The VERGER. That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. You can go +out by the South Transept door, and that'll take you through the +Cloisters. (_The Party go out, with the exception of the two_ 'ARRIES, +_who linger, expectantly, and cough in embarrassment._) Was there +anything you wished to know? + +FIRST 'ARRY. Well, Mister, it's on'y--er--'aven't you got some old +carving or other 'ere of a rather--well, _funny_ kind--sorter thing you +on'y show to _gentlemen_, if you know what I mean? + +The VERGER (_austerely_). There's nothing in _this_ Cathedral for +gentlemen o' _your_ sort, and I'm surprised at your expecting of it. + +[_He turns on his heel._ + +FIRST 'ARRY (_to Second_). I spoke civil enough to _'im_, didn't I? What +did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about? + +SECOND 'ARRY. Oh, _I_ dunno. But you don't ketch _me_ comin' over to no +more cathedrils, and wastin' time and money all for nuthink--that's all. + + [_They tramp out, feeling that their confidence has been + imposed upon._ + +[Illustration: "What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?"] + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE INSTANTANEOUS PROCESS; + +OR, FLUFF SITS FOR HIS PHOTOGRAPH. + + +_A Photographer's Studio on the Seventh Floor. It is a warm afternoon._ +MR. STIPPLER, _Photographic Artist, is discovered alone._ + +MR. STIPPLER (_to himself_). No appointments while this weather lasts, +thank goodness! I shall be able to get ahead with those negatives now. +(_Sharp whistle from speaking-tube, to which he goes._) Well? + +VOICE OF LADY ASSISTANT (_in shop below_). Lady just brought her dog in; +wants to know if she can have it taken now. + +MR. STIP. (_to himself_). Oh, dash the dog and the lady too! + +THE VOICE. No, only the _dog_, the lady says. + +MR. STIP. (_confused_). Eh? Oh, exactly. Ask the lady to have the +goodness to--ah--step up. (_He opens the studio door, and awaits the +arrival of his client; interval, at the end of which sounds as of a +female in distress about halfway down are distinctly audible._) She's +_stepping_ up. (_Another interval. The head of a breathless_ ELDERLY +LADY _emerges from the gloom._) This way, Madam. + +ELDERLY LADY (_entering and sinking into the first plush chair_). Oh, +_dear_ me, I thought I should _never_ get to the top! Now _why_ can't +you photographers have your studios on the ground floor? So _much_ more +convenient! + +MR. STIP. No doubt, Madam, no doubt. But there is--ah--a prejudice in +the profession in favah of the roof; possibly the light is considered +somewhat superiah. I thought I understood there was--ah--a dog? + +The E. L. Oh, he'll be here presently. I think he saw something in one +of the rooms on the way up that took his fancy, or very likely he's +resting on one of the landing mats,--such an _intelligent_ dog! I'll +call him. Fluffy, Fluffy, come along, my pet, nearly up now! Mustn't +keep his missis waiting for him. (_A very long pause: presently a small +rough-haired terrier lounges into the studio with an air of +proprietorship_.) That's the dog; he's so small, he can't take _very_ +long to do, _can_ he? + +MR. STIP. The--ah--precise size of the animal does not signify, Madam; +we do it by an instantaneous process. The only question is the precise +pose you would prefer. I presume the dog is a good--ah--rattah? + +The E. L. Really, I've no idea. But he's _very_ clever at killing +bluebottles; he _will_ smash them on the window-panes. + +MR. STIP. (_without interest_). I see, Madam. We have a speciality for +our combination backgrounds, and you might like to have him represented +on a country common, in the act of watching a hole in a bank. + +The E. L. (_impressed_). For bluebottles? + +MR. STIP. For--ah--rats. (_By way of concession._) _Or_ bluebottles, of +course, if you prefer it. + +The E. L. I think I would rather have something more characteristic. He +has such a pretty way of lying on his back with all his paws sticking +straight up in the air. I never saw any _other_ dog do it. + +MR. STIP. Precisely. But I doubt whether that particulah pose would be +effective--in a photograph. + +The E. L. You think not? Where _has_ he got to, now? Oh, _do_ just look +at him going round, examining everything! He _quite_ understands what +he's wanted to do; you've no idea what a clever dog he is! + +MR. STIP. Ray-ally? How would it do to have him on a rock in the middle +of a salmon stream? + +The E. L. It would make me so uncomfortable to see it; he has a perfect +_horror_ of wetting his little feet! + +MR. STIP. In _that_ case, no doubt----Then what do you say to posing +him on an ornamental pedestal? We could introduce a Yorkshire moor, or a +view of Canterbury Cathedral, as a background. + +The E. L. A pedestal seems _so_ suggestive of a cemetery, doesn't it? + +MR. STIP. Then we must try some other position. (_He resigns himself to +the commonplace._) Can the dog--ah--sit up? + +The E. L. Bee-yutifully! Fluffy, come and show how nicely you can sit +up! + +FLUFF (_to himself_). Show off for this fellow? Who pretends he's got +rats--and hasn't! Not if _I_ know it! + + [_He rolls over on his back with a well-assumed air of + idiotcy_. + +The E. L. (_delighted_). There, _that's_ the attitude I told you of. But +perhaps it _would_ come out rather too leggy? + +MR. STIP. It is--ah--open to that objection, certainly, Madam. Perhaps +we had better take him on a chair sitting up. (FLUFF is, _with infinite +trouble, prevailed upon to mount an arm-chair, from which he growls +savagely whenever_ MR. STIPPLER _approaches_.) You will probably be more +successful with him than I, Madam. + +The E. L. I could make him sit up in a _moment_, if I had any of his +biscuits with me. But I forgot to bring them. + +MR. STIP. There is a confectionah next door. We could send out a lad for +some biscuits. About how much would you requiah--a quartah of a pound? +_He goes to the speaking tube._ + +The E. L. He won't eat _all_ those; he's a _most_ abstemious dog. But +they must be _sweet_, tell them. (_Delay. Arrival of the biscuits. The_ +ELDERLY LADY _holds one up, and_ FLUFF _leaps, barking frantically, +until he succeeds in snatching it; a manoeuvre which he repeats with +each successive biscuit_.) Do you know, I'm afraid he really _mustn't_ +have any more--biscuits always _excite_ him so. Suppose you take him +lying on the chair, much as he is now? (MR. STIPPLER _attempts to place +the dog's paws, and is snapped at_.) Oh, _do_ be careful! + +MR. STIP. (_heroically_). Oh, it's of no consequence, Madam. I +am--ah--_accustomed_ to it. + +The E. L. Oh, yes; but _he_ isn't, you know; so please be _very_ gentle +with him! And could you get him a little water first? I'm sure he's +thirsty. (MR. STIPPLER _brings water in a developing dish, which_ FLUFF +_empties promptly_.) Now he'll be as _good_----! + +MR. STIP. (_after wiping_ FLUFF'S _chin and arranging his legs_). If we +can only keep him like that for one second. + +The E. L. But he ought to have his ears pricked. (MR. STIPPLER _makes +weird noises behind the camera, resembling demon cats in torture_; FLUFF +_regards him with calm contempt_.) Oh, and his hair is all in his eyes, +and they're his best feature! + + [MR. STIPPLER _attempts to part_ FLUFF'S _fringe; snarls_. + +MR. STIP. I have not discovered his eyes at present, Madam; but he +appears to have excellent--ah--_teeth_. + +The E. L. _Has_n't he! Now, couldn't you catch him like _that_? + +MR. STIP. _(to himself_). He's more likely to catch _me_ like that! +(_Aloud; as he retreats under a hanging canopy._) I think we shall get a +good one of him as he is. (_Focussing_.) Yes, that will do very nicely. +(_He puts in the plate, and prepares to release the shutter, whereupon_ +FLUFF _deliberately rises and presents his tail to the camera_.) I +presume you do not desiah a _back_ view of the dog, Madam! + +[Illustration: "What's she got hold of _now_."] + +The E. L. Certainly not! Oh, Fluffy, naughty--naughty! Now lie down +again, like a good dog. Oh, I'm afraid he's going to sleep! + +MR. STIP. If you would kindly take this--ah--toy in your hand, Madam, it +might rouse him a little. + +The E. L. (_exhibiting a gutta-percha rat_). Here, Fluffy, Fluffy, +_here's_ a pitty sing! What _is_ it, eh! + +FLUFF (_after opening one eye_). The old fool fancies she's got a rat! +Well, she may _keep_ it! + +[_He curls himself up again_. + +MR. STIP. We must try to obtain more--ah--animation than that. + +[_He hands the_ ELDERLY LADY _a jingling toy_. + +The E. L. (_shaking it vigorously_). Fluffy, see what Missis has got! + +FLUFF _(by a yawn of much eloquence_). At _her_ age, too! Wonderful how +she can _do_ it! + +[_He closes his eyes wearily._ + +MR. STIP. Perhaps you may produce a better effect with this. [_He hands +her a stuffed stoat._ + +FLUFF (_to himself_). What's she got hold of _now_? Hul-lo! (_He rises, +and inspects the stoat with interest._) I'd no idea the old girl was so +"varmint"! + +MR. STIP. Capital! Now, if he'll stay like that another----(FLUFF +_jumps down, and wags his tail with conscious merit._) Oh, _dear_ me. I +never saw such a dog! + +The E. L. He's tired out, poor doggie, and no wonder. But he'll be all +the _quieter_ for it, _won't_ he? (_After restoring_ FLUFF _to the +chair._) Now, couldn't you take him panting, like that? + +MR. STIP. I must wait till he's got a little less tongue out, Madam. + +The E. L. Must you? Why? _I_ should have thought it was a capital +opportunity. + +MR. STIP. For a physician, Madam, _not_ a photographer. If I were to +take him now the result would be an--ah--enormous tongue, with a dog in +the remote distance. + +The E. L. And he's putting out more and more of it! Perhaps he's thirsty +again. Here, Fluffy, water--water! [_She produces the developing dish._ + +FLUFF (_in barks of unmistakable significance_). Look here, I've had +about enough of this tomfoolery. Let's go. _Come_ on! + +MR. STIP. (_seconding the motion with relief_). I'm _afraid_ we're not +likely to do better with him to-day. Perhaps if you could look in some +othah afternoon? + +The E. L. Why, we've only been an hour and twenty minutes as yet! But +what would be the best time to bring him? + +MR. STIP. I should say the light and the temperatuah would probably be +more favourable by the week aftah next--(_to himself_) when I shall be +taking my holiday! + +The E. L. Very well, I'll come then. Oh, Fluffy, Fluffy, what a silly +little dog you are to give all this trouble! + +FLUFF (_to himself, as he makes a triumphant exit_). Not half so silly +as some people think! I _must_ tell the cat about this; she'll go into +fits! I will say she has a considerable sense of humour--for a cat. + + + + +[Illustration] + + +IN THE CAUSE OF CHARITY. + + +_Mona House, the Town Mansion of the Marquis of Manx, which has been +lent for a Sale of Work in aid of the "Fund for Super-annuated +Skirt-dancers," under the patronage of Royalty and other distinguished +personages_. + +_In the Entrance Hall._ + +MRS. WYLIE DEDHEAD (_attempting to insinuate herself between the +barriers_). Excuse me; I only wanted to pop in for a moment, just to see +if a lady friend of mine is in there, that's _all_! + +The LADY MONEY-TAKER (_blandly_). If you will let me know your friend's +name--? + +MRS. W. D. (_splendide mendax_). She's assisting the dear Duchess. +_Now_, perhaps, you will allow me to pass! + +The L. M. Afraid I can't, really. But if you mean Lady Honor +Hyndlegges--_she_ is the only lady at the Duchess's stall--I could send +_in_ for her. Or of course, if you like to pay half-a-crown---- + +MRS. W. D. (_hastily_). Thank you, I--I won't disturb her +ladyship. I had no _idea_ there was any charge for admission, +and--(_bristling_)--allow me to say I consider such regulations _most_ +absurd. + +The L. M. (_sweetly, with a half glance at the bowl of coins on the +table_). Quite _too_ ridiculous, ain't they? _Good_ afternoon! + +MRS. W. D. (_audibly, as she flounces out_). If they suppose _I'm_ going +to pay half-a-crown for the privilege of being _fleeced_----! + +FOOTMAN (_on steps, sotto voce, to confrère_). "Fleeced"! that's a good +'un, eh? _She_ ain't brought much wool in with _her_! + +His CONFRÈRE. On'y what's stuffed inside of her ear. [_They resume their +former impassive dignity._ + +_In the Venetian Gallery--where the Bazaar is being held._ + +A LOYAL OLD LADY (_at the top of her voice--to_ STALL-KEEPER). Which of +'em's the Princess, my dear, eh? It's her I paid _my_ money to see. + +The STALL-KEEPER (_in a dismayed whisper_). Ssh! Not _quite_ so loud! +There--just opposite--petunia bow in her bonnet--selling kittens. + +The L. O. L. (_planting herself on a chair_). So _that's_ her! Well, she +_is_ dressed plain--for a Royalty--but looks _pleasant_ enough. I +wouldn't mind taking one o' them kittens off her Royal 'Ighness myself, +if they was going at all reasonable. But there, I expect, the cats +_'ere_ is meat for my masters, so to speak; and you see, my dear, 'aving +the promise of a tortoise-shell Tom from the lady as keeps the Dairy +next door, whenever---- + +[_She finds, with surprise, that her confidences are not encouraged_. + +MISS ST. LEGER DE MAYNE (_persuasively to_ MRS. NIBBLER). Do let me show +you some of this exquisite work, all embroidered entirely by hand, you +see! + +MRS. NIBBLER (_edging away_). Lovely--_quite_ lovely; but I +think--a--I'll just take a look round before I---- + +MISS DE M. If there is any _particular_ thing you were looking for, +perhaps _I_ could---- + +MRS. N. (_becoming confidential_). Well, I _did_ think if I could come +across a nice _sideboard-cloth_---- + +MISS DE M. (_to herself_). What on earth's a sideboard-cloth? (_Aloud._) +Why, I've the very _thing_! See--all worked in Russian stitch! + +MRS. N. (_dubiously_). I thought they were always quite plain. And +what's that queer sort of flap-thing for? + +MISS DE M. Oh, _that_? That's--a--to cover up the spoons, and forks, +and things; quite the latest fashion, _now_, you know. + +MRS. N. (_with self-assertion_). I _have_ noticed it at several dinner +parties I've been to in society lately, certainly. Still I am not sure +that---- + +MISS DE M. I always have them on my _own_ sideboard now--my husband +won't _hear_ of any others.... Then, I _may_ put this one in paper for +you? fifteen-and-sixpence--thanks _so_ much! (_To her colleague, as_ +Mrs. N. _departs_). Connie, I've got rid of that awful nightgown case at +_last_! + +MRS. MAYCUP. A--you _don't_ happen to have a small bag to hold a +powder-puff, and so on, you know? + +MISS DE M. I _had_ some very pretty ones; but I'm afraid they're +all--oh, no, there's just _one_ left--crimson velvet and real +_passementerie_. (_She produces a bag_). Too trotty for words, isn't it? + +MRS. MAYCUP (_tacitly admitting its trottiness_). But then--that sort of +purse shape----Could I get a small pair of folding curling-irons into +it, should you think, at a pinch? + +MISS DE M. You could get _anything_ into it--at a pinch. I've one myself +which will hold--well, I can't tell you what it _won't_ hold! +Half-a-guinea--so _many_ thanks! (_To herself, as_ MRS. MAYCUP _carries +off her_ _bag_.) What _would_ the vicar's wife say if she knew I'd sold +her church collection bag for _that_! But it's all in a good cause! +(_An_ ELDERLY LADY _comes up_.) May I show you some of these----? + +The ELDERLY LADY. Well, I was wondering if you had such a thing as a +good warm pair of sleeping socks; because, these bitter nights, I do +find I suffer so from cold in my feet. + +MISS DE M. (_with effusion_). Ah, then I can _feel_ for you--so do _I_! +At least, I _used_ to before I tried--(_To herself._) Where _is_ that +pair of thick woollen driving-gloves? Ah, _I_ know. (_Aloud._)--these. +I've found them _such_ a comfort! + +The E. L. (_suspiciously_). They have rather a queer----And then they +are divided at the ends, too. + +MISS DE M. Oh, haven't you seen _those_ before? Doctors consider them so +much healthier, don't you know. + +The E. L. I daresay they are, my dear. But aren't the--(_with delicate +embarrassment_)--the separated parts rather long? + +MISS DE M. Do you _think_ so? They allow so much more freedom, you see; +and then, of course, they'll shrink. + +The E. L. That's true, my dear. Well, I'll take a pair, as you recommend +them so strongly. + +MISS DE M. I'm quite _sure_ you'll never regret it! + +(_To herself, as the_ E. L. _retires, charmed_.) I'd give _anything_ to +see the poor old thing trying to put them on! + +MISS MIMOSA TENDRILL (_to herself_). I do so _hate_ hawking this horrid +old thing about! (_Forlornly, to_ MRS. ALLBUTT-INNETT.) I--I beg your +pardon; but _will_ you give me ten-and-sixpence for this lovely +work-basket? + +MRS. ALLBUTT-INNETT. My good girl, let me tell you I've been pestered to +buy that identical basket at every bazaar I've set foot in for the last +twelve-month, and how you can have the face to ask ten-and-six for +it--you must think I've more money than wit! + +MISS TENDR. (_abashed_). Well--_eighteenpence_ then? (_To herself, as_ +Mrs. A. I. _closes promptly_.) There, I've sold _something_, anyhow! + +The HON. DIANA D'AUTENBAS (_to herself_). It's rather fun selling at a +Bazaar; one can let oneself _go_ so much more! (_To the first man she +meets._) I'm sure you'll buy one of my buttonholes--now _won't_ you? If +I fasten it in for you myself? + +MR. CADNEY ROWSER. A button'ole, eh? Think I'm not classy enough as I +am? + +MISS D'AUT. I don't think _anyone_ could accuse you of not being +"_classy_;" still a flower would just give the finishing-touch. + +MR. C. R. (_modestly_). Rats!--if you'll pass the reedom. But you've +such a way with you that--there--'ow much. + +MISS D'AUT. Only five shillings. Nothing to _you_! + +MR. C. R. Five bob? You're a artful girl, _you_ are! "_Fang de +Seakale_," and no error! But I'm _on_ it; it's worth the money to 'ave a +flower fastened in by such fair 'ands. I won't 'owl--not even if you +_do_ run a pin into me.... What? You ain't done a'ready! No _'urry_, yer +know.... 'Ere, won't you come along to the refreshment-stall, and 'ave a +little something at my expense. Do! + +MISS D'AUT. I think you must imagine you are talking to a barmaid! + +MR. C. R. (_with gallantry_). I on'y wish barmaids was 'alf as pleasant +and sociable as _you_, Miss. But they're a precious stuck-up lot, _I_ +can assure you! + +MISS D'AUT. (_to herself as she escapes_). I suppose one ought to put up +with this sort of thing--for a charity! + +MRS. BABBICOMBE (_at the Toy Stall, to the Belle of the Bazaar, aged +three-and-a-half_). You _perfect_ duck! You're simply too _sweet_! I +_must_ find you something. (_She tempers generosity with discretion by +presenting her with a small pair of knitted doll's socks_.) There, +darling! + +The BELLE'S MOTHER. What do you say to the kind lady _now_, Marjory? + +MARJORY (_a practical young person, to the donor_). Now div me a dolly +to put ve socks on. + +[MRS. B. _finds herself obliged to repair this omission_. + +A YOUNG LADY RAFFLER (_to a_ YOUNG MAN). Do take a ticket for this +charmin' _sachet_. Only half-a-crown! + +The YOUNG MAN. Delighted! If you'll put in for this _splendid_ cigar +cabinet. Two shillin's! + +[_The_ YOUNG LADY _realises that she has encountered an Augur, and +passes on_. + +MISS DE. M. (_to_ MR. ISTHMIAN GATWICK). Can't I tempt you with this +tea-cosy? It's so absurdly cheap! + +MR. ISTHMIAN GATWICK (_with dignity_). A-thanks; I think not. Never +_take_ tea, don't you know. + +MISS DE M. (_with her characteristic adaptability_). Really? No more do +_I_. But you _could_ use it as a _smoking-cap_, you know. _I_ always---- + +[_Recollects herself, and breaks off in confusion_. + +[Illustration: "You have lofty ambitions and the artistic +temperament."] + +MISS OPHELIA PALMER (_in the "Wizard's Cave"--to_ MR. CADNEY ROWSER). +Yes, your hand indicates an intensely refined and spiritual nature; you +are perhaps a _little_ too indifferent to your personal comfort where +that of others is concerned; sensitive--too much so for your own +happiness, perhaps--you feel things keenly when you _do_ feel them. You +have lofty ambitions and the artistic temperament--seven-and-sixpence, +please. + +MR. C. R. (_impressed_). Well, Miss, if you can read all that for +seven-and-six on the palm of my 'and, I wonder what you _wouldn't_ see +for 'alf a quid on the sole o' my boot! + +[MISS P.'S _belief in Chiromancy sustains a severe shock_. + +BOBBIE PATTERSON (_outside tent, as Showman_). This way to the +Marvellous Jumping Bean from Mexico! Threepence! + +VOICE FROM TENT. Bobbie! Stop! The Bean's _lost_! Lady Honor's horrid +Thought-reading Poodle has just stepped in and swallowed it. + +BOBBIE. Ladies and Gentlemen, owing to sudden domestic calamity, the +Bean has been unavoidably compelled to retire, and will be unable to +appear till further notice. + +MISS SMYLIE (_to_ MR. OTIS BARLEYWATER, _who--in his own set--is +considered "almost equal to Corney Grain"_). I thought you were giving +your entertainment in the library? Why _aren't_ you? + +MR. OTIS BARLEYWATER (_in a tone of injury_). Why? Because I can't give my +imitations of Arthur Roberts and Yvette Guilbert with anything _like_ +the requisite "go," unless I get a better audience than three +programme-sellers, all under ten, and the cloak-room maid--_that's_ why! + +MRS. ALLBUTT-INNETT (_as she leaves, for the benefit of bystanders_). I +must say, the house is _most_ disappointing--not at _all_ what I should +expect a _Marquis_ to live in. Why, my _own_ reception-rooms are very +nearly as large, and decorated in a much more modern style! + +BOBBIE PATTERSON (_to a_ "DOOSID GOOD-NATURED FELLOW, _who doesn't care +what he does," and whom he has just discovered inside a case got up to +represent an automatic sweetmeat machine_). Why, my dear old _chap_! No +idea it was _you_ inside that thing! Enjoying yourself in there, eh? + +The DOOSID GOOD-NATURED FELLOW (_fluffily, from the interior_). Enjoying +myself! With the beastly pennies droppin' down into my boots, and the +kids howlin' because all the confounded chocolates have worked up +between my shoulder-blades, and I can't shake 'em out of the slit in my +arm? I'd like to see _you_ tryin' it! + +The L. O. L. (_to a stranger, who is approaching the_ _Princess's +stall_). 'Ere, Mister, where are your manners? 'Ats off in the presence +o' Royalty! + +[_She pokes him in the back with her umbrella; the stranger turns, +smiles slightly, and passes on._ + +A WELL-INFORMED BYSTANDER. You are evidently unaware, Madam, that the +gentleman you have just addressed is His Serene Highness the Prince of +Potsdam! + +The L. O. L. (_aghast_). Her '_usban_'! And me a jobbin' of 'im with my +umbrella! 'Ere, let me get out! + +[_She staggers out, in deadly terror of being sent to the Tower on the +spot._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE CLASSICAL SCHOLAR IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES. + + +You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or offices, +incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not trust with the +responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear a knock at your +outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's room, after which +your salaried idiot announces "A Gentleman to see you." Enter a dingy +and dismal little man in threadbare black, who advances with an air of +mysterious importance. "I think," he begins, "I 'ave the pleasure of +speaking to Mr.----" (_whatever your name is_.) "I take the liberty of +calling, Mr.----, to consult you on a matter of the utmost importance, +and I shall feel personally obliged if you will take precautions for our +conversation not being over'eard." + +He looks grubby for a client--but appearances are deceptive, and you +offer him a seat, assuring him that he may speak with perfect +security--whereupon he proceeds in a lowered voice. + +"The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat, +"is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its details, that I can +'ardly bring myself to speak it to any 'uming ear!" (_Here you will +probably prepare to take notes._) "You see before you one who is of 'igh +birth but low circumstances!" (_At this you give him up as a possible +client, but a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels you to +listen._) "Yes, Sir, I was '_ fruges consumeary nati_.' I 'ave received +a neducation more befitting a dook than my present condition. Nursed in +the lap of haffluence, I was trained to fill the lofty position which +was to have been my lot. But, '_necessitas_,' Sir, as you are aware, +'_necessitas non abat lejim_,' and such I found it. While still +receiving a classical education at Cambridge College--(praps you are +yourself an alumbus of _Halma Mater_? No? I apologise, Sir, I'm +sure)--but while preparing to take my honorary degree, my father +suddenly enounced the horful news that he was a bankrup'. Stript of all +we possessed, we were turned out of our sumchuous 'ome upon the cold +world, my father's grey 'airs were brought down sorrowing to sangwidge +boards, though he is still sangwin of paying off his creditors in time +out of what he can put by from his scanty hearnings. My poor dear +Mother--a lady born and bred--sank by slow degrees to a cawfy-stall, +which is now morgidged to the 'ilt, and my eldest Sister, a lovely and +accomplished gairl, was 'artlessly thrown over by a nobleman, to 'oom +she was engaged to be married, before our reverses overtook us. His name +the delikit hinstinks of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as +likewise me to mention--enough to 'int that he occupies a prominent +position amongst the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be +met with in the papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to +that degree, that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac! My honely +Brother was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the 'yumiliation of +selling penny toys on the kerbstone to his former playfellers. '_Tantee +nannymice salestibus hiræ_,' indeed, Sir! + +"But you ask what befell myself." (_You have not--for the simple reason +that, even if you desired information, he has given you no chance, as +yet, of putting in a word._) "Ah, Sir, there you 'ave me on a tender +point. '_Hakew tetigisti_,' if I may venture once more upon a scholarly +illusion. But I 'ave resolved to conceal nothing--and you shall 'ear. +For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and Imanuensis to a +young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of my College days. He +would, I know, have used his influence with Goverment to obtain me a +lucritive post; but, alas, ere he could do so, unaired sheets, coupled +with deliket 'elth, took him off premature, and I was once more thrown +on my own resources. + +"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the hinjustice to +expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in obtaining this +interview was to ask you for pecuniary assistance?" (_Here you reflect +with remorse that a suspicion to this effect has certainly crossed your +mind._) "Nothing of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little 'uming +sympathy, the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling 'art, a +few kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the first +sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack. Pore as I +am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English gentleman, and if you +was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit there, I should fling it in the +fire--ah, I _should_--'urt and indignant at the hinsult!" (_Here you +will probably assure him that you have no intention of outraging his +feelings in any such manner._) "No, and _why_, Sir? Because you 'ave a +gentlemanly 'art, and if you were to make sech a orfer, you would do it +in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it of all offence. There's +not many as I would bring myself to accept a paltry sovereign from, but +I dunno--I might from one like yourself--I _might_. _Ord hignara mali, +miseris succur-reary disco_, as the old philosopher says. You 'ave that +kind of _way_ with you." (_You mildly intimate that he is mistaken here, +and take the opportunity of touching the bell_.) "No, Sir, don't be +untrue to your better himpulses. '_Ave_ a feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send +me away, after allowing me to waste my time 'ere--which is of value _to +me_, let me tell yer, whatever _yours_ is!--like this!.... Well, well, +there's 'ard people in this world? I'm _going_, Sir ... I 'ave +sufficient dignity to take a'int.... You 'aven't got even a trifle to +spare an old University Scholar in redooced circumstances then?... Ah, +it's easy to see you ain't been at a University yourself--you ain't got +the _hair_ of it! Farewell, Sir, and may your lot in life be 'appier +than----All right, don't _hexcite_ yourself. I've bin mistook in yer, +that's all. I thought you was as soft-edded a young mug as you look. +Open that door, will yer; I want to get out of this 'ole!" + +Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and disappointment, +and you will probably hear him indulging in unclassical vituperation on +the landing. + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + +RUS IN URBE. + +(A SKETCH IN REGENT'S PARK.) + + +_A railed-in corner of the Park. TIME--About 7 p.m. Inside the enclosure +three shepherds are engaged in shearing the park sheep. The first +shepherd has just thrown his patient on its back, gripped its shoulders +between his knees, and tucked its head, as a tiresome and obstructive +excrescence, neatly away under one of his arms, while he reaches for the +shears. The second is straddled across his animal, which is lying with +its hind legs hobbled on a low stage under an elm, in a state of stoical +resignation, as its fleece is deftly nipped from under its chin. The +third operator has almost finished his sheep, which, as its dark grey +fleece slips away from its pink-and-white neck and shoulders, suggests a +rather décolletée dowager in the act of removing her theatre-cloak in +the stalls. Sheep, already shorn, lie and pant in shame and shivering +bewilderment, one or two nibble the blades of grass, as if to assure +themselves that that resource is still open to them. Sheep whose turn is +still to come are penned up at the back, and look on, scandalised, but +with an air which seems to express that their own superior +respectability is a sufficient protection against similar outrage. The +shearers appear to take a humorous view of their task, and are watched +by a crowd which has collected round the railings, with an agreeable +assurance that they are not expected to contribute towards the +entertainment._ + +FIRST WORK-GIRL (_edging up_). Whatever's goin' on inside 'ere? (_After +looking--disappointed._) Why they ain't on'y a lot o' sheep! I thought +it was Reciters, or somethink o' that. + +SECOND WORK-GIRL (_with irony_). They _look_ like Reciters, don't they! +It do seem a shime cuttin' them poor things as close as convicks, that +it do! + +FIRST W.-G. They don't mind it partickler; you'd 'ear 'em 'oller fast +enough if they did. + +SECOND W.-G. I expeck they feel so redic'lus, they 'aven't the 'art to +'oller. + +LUCILLA (_to GEORGE_). Do look at that one going up and sniffing at the +bundle of fleeces, trying to find out which is his. _Isn't_ it pathetic? + +GEORGE. H'm--puts one in mind of a shy man in a cloak-room after a +party, saying feebly, "I rather think that's _my_ coat, and there's a +crush hat of mine _somewhere_ about," eh? + +LUCILLA (_who is always wishing that GEORGE would talk more sensibly_). +Considering that sheep don't _wear_ crush hats, I hardly see how---- + +GEORGE. My dear, I bow to your superior knowledge of natural history. +Now you mention it, I believe it _is_ unusual. But I merely meant to +suggest a general resemblance. + +[Illustration: "They ain't on'y a lot o' sheep! I thought it was +Reciters, or somethink o' that."] + +LUCILLA (_reprovingly_). I know. And you've got into such a silly habit +of seeing resemblances in things that are perfectly different. I'm sure +I'm _always_ telling you of it. + +GEORGE. You are, my dear. But I'm not nearly so bad as I _was_. Think of +all the things I used to compare _you_ to before we were married! + +SARAH JANE (_to her TROOPER_). I could stand an' look at 'em hours, I +could. I was born and bred in the country, and it do seem to bring back +my old 'ome that plain. + +Her TROOPER. I'm country bred too, though yer mightn't think it. But +there ain't much in sheep shearin' to _my_ mind. If it was _pig +killin'_, now! + +SARAH JANE. Ah, that's along o' your bein' in the milingtary, I expect. + +Her TROOPER. No, it ain't that. It's the reckerlections it 'ud call up. +I 'ad a 'ole uncle a pork-butcher, d'ye see, and (_with sentiment_) many +and many a 'appy hour I've spent as a boy----[_He indulges in tender +reminiscences._ + +A YOUNG CLERK (_who belongs to a Literary Society, to his FIANCÉE_). It +has a wonderfully rural look--quite like a scene in 'Ardy, isn't it? + +His FIANCÉE (_who has "no time for reading rubbish"_). I daresay; though +I've never been there myself. + +The CLERK. Never been? Oh, I see. _You_ thought I said _Arden_--the +Forest of Arden, in Shakspeare, didn't you? + +His FIANCÉE. Isn't that where Mr. Gladstone lives, and goes cutting down +the trees in? + +The CLERK. No; At least it's spelt different. But it was 'Ardy _I_ +meant. _Far from the Madding Crowd_, you know. + +His FIANCÉE (_with a vague view to the next Bank Holiday_). What do you +_call_ "far"--farther than _Margate_? + + [_Her companion has a sense of discouragement._ + +An ARTISAN (_to a neighbour in broadcloth and a white choker_). It's +wonderful 'ow they can go so close without 'urtin' of 'em, ain't it? + +His NEIGHBOUR (_with unction_). Ah, my friend, it on'y shows 'ow true it +is that 'eving tempers the shears for the shorn lambs! + +A GOVERNESS (_instructively, to her charge_). Don't you think you ought +to be very grateful to that poor sheep, Ethel, for giving up her nice +warm fleece on purpose to make a frock for _you_? + +ETHEL (_doubtfully_). Y--yes, Miss Mavor. But (_with a fear that some +reciprocity may be expected of her_) she's too big for any of my _best_ +frocks, _isn't_ she? + +FIRST URCHIN (_perched on the railings_). Ain't that 'un a-kicking? 'E +don't like 'aving _'is_ 'air cut, 'e don't, no more shouldn't I if it +was me.... 'E's bin an' upset 'is bloke on the grorss, now! Look at the +bloke layin' there larfin'.... 'E's ketched 'im agin now. See 'im +landin' 'im a smack on the 'ed; that'll learn 'im to stay quiet, eh? +'E's strong, ain't 'e? + +SECOND URCHIN. Rams is the wust, though, 'cause they got 'orns, rams +'ave. + +FIRST URCH. What, same as goats? + +SECOND URCH. (_emphatically_). Yuss! Big crooked 'uns. And runs at yer, +they do. + +FIRST URCH. I wish they was rams in 'ere. See all them sheep waitin' to +be done. I wonder what they're finkin' of. + +SECOND URCH. Ga-arn! They _don't_ fink, sheep don't. + +FIRST URCH. Not o' anyfink? + +SECOND URCH. Na-ow! They ain't got nuffink to fink _about_, sheep ain't. + +FIRST URCH. I lay they _do_ fink, 'orf and on. + +SECOND URCH. Well, I lay _you_ never see 'em doin' of it! + + [_And so on. The first Shepherd disrobes his sheep, and + dismisses it with a disrespectful spank. After which he + proceeds to refresh himself from a brown jar, and hands it to + his comrades. The spectators look on with deeper interest, and + discuss the chances of the liquid being beer, cider, or cold + tea, as the scene closes._ + + + + + +[Illustration] + + +CATCHING THE EARLY BOAT. + + +_In Bed; At the Highland Hotel, Oban._ + +What an extraordinary thing is the mechanism of the human mind! Went to +sleep last night impressed with vital importance of waking at six, to +catch early steamer to Gairloch. And here I am--broad awake--at exactly +5.55! Is it automatic action, or what? Like setting clockwork for +explosive machine. When the time comes, I blow up--I mean, _get_ up. +Think out this simile--rather a good one.... Need not have been so +particular in telling Boots to call me, after all. Shall I get up +_before_ he comes? He'll be rather surprised when he knocks at the door, +and hears me singing inside like a lark. But, on reflection, isn't it +rather _petty_ to wish to astonish an hotel Boots? And why on earth +should I get up myself, when I've tipped another fellow to get me up? +But suppose he forgets to call me. I've no right, as yet, to _assume_ +that he will. To get up now would argue want of confidence in +him--might hurt his feelings. I will give him another five minutes, poor +fellow.... + +_Getting up._--No actual necessity to get up yet, but, to make assurance +doubly--something or other, forget what--I will ... I do. Portmanteau +rather refractory; retreats under bed--quite ten minutes before I can +coax it out.... When I have, it won't let me pack it. That's the worst +of this breed of brown portmanteaus--they're always nasty-tempered. +However, I am getting a few things into it now, by degrees. Very +annoying--as fast as I put them in, this confounded portmanteau shoots +them out again! If I've put in that pair of red and white striped +pyjamas once, I've done it twenty times--and they always come twisting +and rolling out of the back, somehow. Fortunate I left myself ample +time. + +Man next door to me is running it rather fine. _He_ has to catch the +boat, too, and he's not up yet! Hear the Boots hammering away at his +door. How _can_ a fellow, just for the sake of a few more minutes in +bed--which he won't even know he's _had_!--go and risk losing his +steamer in that way? I'll do him a good turn--knock at the wall myself. +"Hi! get up, you lazy beggar. Look sharp--you'll be late!" He thanks +me, in a muffled tone, through the wall. He is a remarkably quick +dresser, he tells me--it won't take him thirty-five seconds to pack, +dress, pay his bill, and get on board. If that's the case, I don't see +why _I_ should hurry. I've got much more than that _already_. + +_At the Quay._--People in Oban stare a good deal. Can't quite make out +reason, unless they're surprised to find me up so early. Explain that I +got up without having even been called. Oban populace mildly surprised, +and offer me neckties--_Why?_ + +Fine steamer this; has a paddle-wheel at _both_ ends--"because," the +Captain explains, "she has not only to _go_ to Gairloch--but come back +as well." + +First-rate navigator, the Captain; he has written my weight, the date of +my last birthday, and the number of the house I live in, down in a sort +of ledger he keeps. He does this with all his passengers, he tells me, +reduces the figures to logarithms, and works out the ship's course in +decimals. No idea there was so much science in modern seamanship. + +_On Board._--Great advantage of being so early is that you can breakfast +quietly on deck before starting. Have mine on bridge of steamer, under +awning; everything very good--ham-méringues _excellent_. No coffee, +but, instead, a capital brand of dry, sparkling marmalade, served, +sailor-fashion, in small pomatum-pots. + +What a small world we live in! Of all people in the world, who should be +sitting next to me but my Aunt Maria! I was always under the impression +that she had died in my infancy. Don't like to mention this, because if +I am _wrong_, she might be offended. But if she _did_ die when I was a +child, she ought to be a much older woman than she looks. I _do_ tell +her this--because it is really a compliment. + +My Aunt, evidently an experienced traveller, never travels, she informs +me, without a pair of globes and a lawn-mower. She offers, very kindly, +to lend me the Celestial globe, if the weather is at all windy. This is +behaving _like_ an Aunt! + +We are taking in live-stock; curious-looking creatures, like spotted +pug-dogs (only bigger and woollier, of course) and without horns. +Somebody leaning over the rail next to me (I _think_ he is the Public +Prosecutor, but am not quite sure), tells me they are "Scotch +Shortbreads." Agreeable man, but rather given to staring. + +Didn't observe it before, but my Aunt is really amazingly like Mr. +Gladstone. Ask her to explain this. She is much distressed that I have +noticed it; says she has felt it coming on for some time; it is not, as +she justly complains, as if she took any interest in politics either. +She has consulted every doctor in London, and they all tell her it is +simply weakness, and she will outgrow it with care. Singular case--must +find out (delicately) whether it's catching. + +We ought to be starting soon; feel quite fresh and lively, in spite of +having got up so early. Mention this to Captain. Wish he and the Public +Prosecutor wouldn't stare at me so. Just as if there was something +singular in my appearance! + +They're embarking my portmanteau now. Knew they would have a lively time +of it! It takes at least four sailors, in kilts, to manage it. Ought I +to step ashore and quiet it down? Stay where I am. Don't know why, but +feel a little afraid of it when it's like this. Shall exchange it for a +quiet hand-bag when I get home. + +Captain busy hammering at a hole in the funnel--dangerous place to +spring a leak in--hope he is making it water-tight. The hammering +reminds me of that poor devil in the bedroom next to mine at the hotel. +_He_ won't catch the boat now--he _can't_! My Aunt (who has left off +looking like Mr. Gladstone) asks me why I am laughing. I tell her about +that unfortunate man and his "thirty-five seconds." She screams with +laughter. Very humorous woman, my Aunt. + +Deck crowded with passengers now: all pointing and staring ... at whom? +Ask Aunt Maria. She declines to tell me: says, severely, that "If I +don't know, I ought to." + +Great Heavens! It's at _me_ they're staring! And no wonder--in the hurry +I was in, I must have packed _everything_ up!... I've come away just as +I was! _Now_ I understand why someone offered me a necktie. Where shall +I go and hide myself? Shall I ever persuade that beast of a portmanteau +to give me out one or two things to put on--because I really _can't_ go +about like this! Captain still hammering at funnel--but he can't wake +that sleepy-headed idiot in the next room. "Louder--knock _louder_, or +the boat will go without him! Tell him there isn't another for two days. +He's said good-bye to everybody he knows at Oban--he will look such an +ass if he doesn't go, after all!"... Not the least use! Wonder what his +name is. My Aunt says _she_ knows, only she won't tell me--she'll +whisper it, as a great secret. She is just about to disclose the name, +which, somehow, I am extremely curious to know--when ... + +Where am I? Haven't they got that unhappy fellow up _yet_? Why the +dickens are they knocking at _my_ door? I've been on board the steamer +for hours, I tell you? Eh? _what?_ Five minutes to eight! And the +Gairloch boat? "Sailed at usual time--seven. Tried to make you hear--but +couldn't."... Confound it all! Good mind not to get up all day--now! + + + + +[Illustration] + + +SOCIETY'S NEXT CRAZE. + +(AS FORESEEN BY MR. PUNCH'S SECOND-SIGHTED CLAIRVOYANT.) + + +_It is the summer of 189-. The scene is a road skirting Victoria Park, +Bethnal Green, which Society's leaders have recently discovered and +appointed as the rendez-vous for the Season, and where it is now the +correct thing for all really smart people to indulge, between certain +prescribed hours, in sports and pastimes that have hitherto been more +characteristic of the masses than the classes. The only permissible +mount now is the donkey, which must be ridden close to the tail, and +referred to as a "moke." A crowd of well-turned-out spectators arrives +from the West End every morning about eleven to watch the brilliant +parade of "Mokestrians" (as the Society journalist will already have +decided to call them). Some drive slowly up and down on coster-barrows, +attended by cockaded and disgusted grooms. About twelve, they break up +into light luncheon parties; after which they play democratic games for +half an hour or so, and drive home on drags._ + +MR. WOODBY-INNETT (_to the DONKEY PROPRIETOR_). Kept a moke for me? I +told you I should be wantin' one every mornin' now. + +The DONKEY PROPRIETOR (_after consulting engagement book_). I've not got +it down on my list, Sir. Very sorry, but the Countess of Cumberback has +just booked the last for the 'ole of this week. Might let you 'ave one +by-and-by, if Sir Hascot Goodwood brings his in punctual, but I can't +promise it. + +MR. WOODBY-INN. That's no good; no point in ridin' after the right time. +(_To himself, as he turns away._) Nuisance! Not that I'm so keen about a +moke. Not a patch on a bike!--though it don't do to say so. Only if I'd +known this, I'd have turned up in a tall hat and frock coat; and then I +could have taken a turn on the steam-circus. Wonder if it would be any +sort of form shyin' at cocoa-nuts in tweeds and a straw hat. Must ask +some chap who knows. More puzzlin' what to put on this year than ever! + +LADY RANELA HURLINGHAM (_breathlessly to DONKEY PROPRIETOR_). That's +mine, isn't it? Will you please put me up, and _promise_ me you'll keep +close behind and make him run. (_Suppliantly._) You will, _won't_ you? + +The DONKEY PROPRIETOR (_with a due sense of his own value_). Well, I +dessay I can come along presently, Lady 'Urlingham, and fetch 'im a +whack or two; jest now I can't, having engaged to come and 'old the +Marshiness of 'Ammercloth on _'er_ moke; but there, you orter be able +to git along well enough by yourself now--_you_ ought! + +[Illustration: "Mokestrians."] + +CAPTAIN SONBYRNE (_just home on leave from India--to MRS. +CHESHAM-LOWNDES_). Rather an odd sort of idea this--I mean, coming all +the way out here to ride a lot of donkeys, eh? + +MRS. CHESHAM-LOWNDES. It used to be rather amusing a month ago, before +they all got used to riding so near the tail; but now they're all so +good at it, don't you know. + +CAPT. SONB. I went down to Battersea Park yesterday to see the +bicyclists. Not a soul there, give you my word! + +MRS. C.-L. No; there _wouldn't_ be _this_ season. You see, all sorts and +conditions of people began to take it up, and it got too fearfully +common. And now moke-riding has quite cut it out. + +CAPT. SONB. But why ride donkeys when you can get gees? + +MRS. C.-L. Oh, well, they're democratic, and cheap, and all that, don't +you know. And one really can't be _seen_ on a horse this year--in town, +at least. In the country it don't matter so much. + +FIRST MOKESTRIAN (_to second ditto_). Hullo, old chap, so _you_'ve taken +to a moke at last, eh? How are you gettin' on? + +SECOND MOKESTRIAN. Pretty well. I can sit on his tail all right now, but +I can't get into the way of keepin' my heels off the ground yet, it's so +beastly difficult. + +_Fragments from_ SPECTATORS. That's rather a smart barrow Lady +Barinrayne's drivin' to-day.... Who's the fellow with her, with the +paper feather in his pot-hat? Bad style, _I_ call it.... That's Lord +Freddy Fugleman--best dressed man in London. You'll see everybody +turnin' up in a paper feather in a day or two.... Lot of men seem to be +using a short clay as a cigarette-holder now, don't they?... Yes, Roddie +Rippingill introduced the idea last week, and it seems to have caught +on. [_&c._, _&c._] + + +_After Luncheon; at the Steam-Circus and other Sports._ + +_Scraps of Small-talk._ No end sorry, Lady Gwendolen; been tryin' to get +you a scent-squirt everywhere; but they're all gone; such a run on 'em +for Ascot, don't you know.... Thanks; it doesn't matter; only dear Lady +Buckram has just thrown some red ochre down the back of my neck, and +Algy Vere came and shot out a coloured paper thing right in my face, and +I shouldn't like to seem uncivil.... Suppose I shall see you at Lady +Brabazon's "Kiss in the Ring" at Bethnal Green to-morrow afternoon?... +I believe she _did_ send us cards, but we promised to look in at a +friendly lead the Duchess of Dillwater is giving at such a dear little +public she's discovered in Whitechapel, so we may be rather late.... +You'll keep a handkerchief-throw for me if you _do_ come on, won't +you?... It will have to be an _extra_, then, I'm afraid.... Are you +goin' to Lord Balmisyde's eight o'clock breakfast to-morrow? _So_ glad; +I hear he's engaged five coffee-stalls, and we're all to stand up and +eat saveloys and trotters and thick bread and butter.... Oh, I wanted to +ask you, my girls have got an invitation to a hoky-poky party the +Vavasours are giving after the moke-ridin' next Thursday, and I'm told +it's quite wrong to eat hoky-poky with a spoon--do you know how that +is?... The only _correct_ way, Caroline, is to lick it out of the glass, +which requires practice before it can be _attempted_ in public. But I +hear there's quite a pleasant boy-professor somewhere in the Mile End +Road who teaches it in a single lesson; he's _very_ moderate; his terms +are only half a guinea, which includes the hoky-poky. I'll send you his +address if I can find it.... Thanks _so_ much; the dear girls _will_ be +so grateful to you.... I _do_ think it's _quite_ too bad of Lady +Geraldine Grabber, she goes and sticks her card on the only decent +wooden horse in the steam-circus and says she's engaged it for the whole +time, though she hardly ever takes a round! And so many girls standing +out who can ride without getting in the _least_ giddy!... Rathah a +boundah, that fellow, if you ask me; I've _seen_ him pullin' a swing +boat in brown boots and ridin'-breeches!... How wonderfully well your +daughter throws the rings, dear Lady Cornelia, I hear she's won three +walking-sticks and five clasp knives.... You're very kind. She is quite +clever at it; but then she's had some private coaching from a gipsy, +don't you know.... What are you going to do with yourself this +afternoon?... Oh, I'm going to the People's Palace to see the finals +played off for the Skittles Championship; bound to be a closish thing; +rather excitin', don't you know.... Ah, Duchess, you've been in form +to-day, I see, five cocoa-nuts! Can I relieve you of some of them?... +Thanks, they _are_ rather tiresome to carry; if you _could_ find my +carriage and tell the footman to keep his eye on them. [_&c._, _&c._] + +LADY ROSEHUGH (_to MR. LUKE WALMER, on the way home_). You know I _do_ +think it's _such_ a cheering sign of the times, Society getting simpler +in its tastes, and sharing the pleasures of the Dear People, and all +that; it must tend to bring all classes more _together_, don't you know! + +MR. LUKE WALMER. Perhaps. Only I was thinking, I don't remember seeing +any of the Dear People _about_. + +LADY ROSEHUGH. No; somebody was telling me they had taken to playing +Polo on bicycles in Hyde Park. So extraordinary of them--such a pity +they haven't some higher form of amusement, you know! + + + + +[Illustration] + + +AN IDEAL INTERVIEWER. + + +_Den of Latest Lion._ + +LATEST LION (_perusing card with no visible signs of gratification_). +Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of _Park Lane_ I'd let +myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (_Aloud to SERVANT, +who is waiting._) You can show the Gentleman up. + +SERVANT (_returning_). Mr. Walsingham Jermyn! + + [_A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped + shirt-front, an enormous buttonhole, and a woolly frock-coat, + and is altogether most expensively and fashionably attired, + which, however, does not prevent him from appearing somewhat + out of countenance after taking a seat._ + +The L. L. (_encouragingly_). I presume, Mr. Jermyn, you're here to ask +me some questions about the future of the British East African Company, +and the duty of the Government in the matter? + +MR. JERMYN (_gratefully_). Er--yes, that's what I've come about, don't +you know--that sort of thing. Fact is (_with a burst of confidence_), +this isn't exactly my line--I've been rather let in for this. You see, +I've not been by way of doin' this long--but what's a fellow to do when +he's stony-broke? Got to do _somethin'_, don't you know. So I thought +I'd go in for journalism--I don't mean the drudgery of it, +leader-writin' and that--but the light part of it, _Society_, you know. +But the other day, man who does the interviews for _Park Lane_ (that's +the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a sudden, and my Editor said I'd +better take on his work for a bit, and see what I made of it. I wasn't +particular. You see, I've always been rather a dead hand at drawin' +fellows out, leadin' them on, you know, and all that, so I knew it would +come easy enough to me, for all you've got to do is to sit tight and let +the other chap--I mean to say, the man you're interviewin'--do all the +talking, while you--I mean to say, myself--keep, keeps--hullo, I'm +getting my grammar a bit mixed; however, it don't signify--_I_ keep +quiet and use my eyes and ears like blazes. Talking of grammar, I +thought when I first started that I should get in a regular hat over the +grammar, and the spellin', and that--_you_ write, don't you, when you're +not travellin'? So you know what a grind it is to spell right. But I +soon found they kept a Johnny at the office with nothing to do but put +all your mistakes right for you, so, soon as I knew that, I went ahead +gaily. + +The L. L. Exactly, and now, perhaps, you will let me know what +particular information you require? + +MR. J. Oh, _you_ know the sort of thing the public likes--they'll want +to know what sort of diggings you've got, how you dress when you're at +home, and all that, how you write your books, now--you do write books, +don't you? Thought so. Well, that's what the public likes. You see, your +name's a good deal up just now--no humbug, it _is_ though! Between +ourselves, you know, I think the whole business is the balliest kind of +rot, but they've got to have it, so there you are, don't you see. I +don't pretend to be a well-read sort of fellow, never was particularly +fond of readin' and that; no time for it, and besides, I've always said +_Books_ don't teach you knowledge of the world. I know the world fairly +well--but I didn't learn it from books--ah, you agree with me +there--_you_ know what skittles all that talk is about education and +that. Well, as I was sayin', I don't read much, I see the _Field_ every +week, and a clinkin' good paper it is, tells you everythin' worth +knowin', and I read the _Pink Un_, too. Do you know any of the fellows +on it? Man I know is a great friend of one of them, he's going to +introduce me some day, I like knowin' literary chaps, don't you? You've +been about a good deal, haven't you? I expect you must have seen a lot, +travellin' as you do. I've done a little travellin' myself, been to +Monte Carlo, you know, and the Channel Islands--_you_ ever been to the +Channel Islands? Oh, you ought to go, it's a very cheery place. Talkin' +of Monte Carlo, I had a rattlin' good time at the tables there; took out +a hundred quid, determined I would have a downright good flutter, and +Jove! I made that hundred last me over five days, and came away in +nothing but my lawn-tennis flannels. That's what I _call_ a flutter, +don't you know! Er--beastly weather we're havin'! You have pretty good +weather where you've been? A young brother of mine has been out for a +year in Texas--he said _he'd_ very good weather--of course that's some +way off where _you_'ve come from--Central Africa, isn't it? Talkin' of +my brother, what do you think the young ass did?--went out there with a +thousand pounds, and paid it all down to some sportsmen who took him to +see some stock they said belonged to them--of course he found out after +they'd off'd it that they didn't own a white mouse among 'em! But then, +Dick's one of those chaps, you know, that think themselves so uncommon +knowing, they _can't_ be had. I always told him he'd be taken in some +day if he let his tongue wag so much--too fond of hearing himself talk, +don't you know, great mistake for a young fellow; sure to say somethin' +you'd better have let alone. I suppose you're getting rather sick of all +these banquets, receptions, and that? They do you very well, certainly. +I went to one of these Company dinners some time ago, and they did me as +well as I've ever been done in my life, but when you've got to sit still +afterwards and listen to some chap who's been somewhere and done +somethin' jawin' about it by the hour together without a check, why, +it's not _good_ enough, I'm hanged if it is! Well, I'm afraid I can't +stay any longer--my time's valuable now, don't you know. I daresay yours +is, too. I'm awfully glad to have had a chat with you, and all that. I +expect you could tell me a lot more interestin' things, only of course +you've got to keep the best of 'em to put in your book--you _are_ +writin' a book or somethin', ain't you? Such heaps of fellows are +writin' books nowadays, the wonder is how any of 'em get read. I shall +try and get a look at yours, though, if I come across it anywhere; hope +you'll put some amusin' things in,--nigger stories and that, don't make +it too bally scientific, you know. Directly I get back, I shall sit +down, slick off, and write off all you've told me. I shan't want any +notes, I can carry it all in my head, and of course I shan't put in +anything you'd rather I didn't, don't you know. + +The L. L. (_solemnly_). Mr. Jermyn, I place implicit confidence in your +discretion. I have no doubt whatever that your head, Sir, is more than +capable of containing such remarks as I have found it necessary to make +in the course of our interview. I like your system of extracting +information, Sir, very much. Good morning. + +Mr. J. (_outside_). Nice pleasant-spoken fellow--trifle long-winded, +though! Gad, I was so busy listenin' I forgot to notice what his rooms +were like or anythin'! How would it do to go back? No, too much of a +grind. Daresay I can manage to fox up somethin'. I shall tell the Chief +what he said about my system. Chief don't quite know what I _can_ do +yet--this will open his eyes a bit. + + [_And it does._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE EDGWARE ROAD. + + +_For over half-a-mile the pavement on the East side of the road is +thronged with promenaders, and the curbstone lined with stalls and +barrows, and hawkers of various wares. Marketing housewives with covered +baskets oscillate undecidedly from stalls to shops, and put off +purchasing to the last possible moment. Maids-of-all-work perambulate +arm-in-arm, exchanging airy badinage with youths of their acquaintance, +though the latter seem to prefer the society of their own sex. A man +with a switchback skittle-board plays gloomy games by himself to an +unspeculative group of small boys. The tradesmen stand outside their +shops and conduct their business with a happy blend of the methods of a +travelling showman and a clown._ + +BURLESQUE BUTCHER. Now then, all o' _you_ there! Buy, buy, buy! Just +give yer minds to spendin' yer money! (_In a tone of artless wonder._) +Where _does_ the Butcher git this _luverly_ meat? What can I do fur +_you_ now, Marm? (_Triumphantly, after selling the scrag-end of a neck +of mutton._) _Now_ we're busy! + +FARCICAL FISHMONGER (_with two Comic Assistants_). Ahar! (_To crowd._) +Come 'ere, you silly young snorkers! I've the quali_tee_! I've the +quali_tay_! _Keep_ takin' money! + +FIRST COMIC ASSISTANT. Ahye! Foppence a pound nice plaice! Kippers two +fur three 'apence. _We're_ the Perfeshnul Curers! What are yer all goin' +to _do_? Sort 'em out cheap! + +SECOND C. A. I don't mind! What care I? (_Bursting into song._) "'Ow, +she rowled me 'ed, and rumbled in the 'ay!" On me word, she did, ladies! + + [_He executes a double shuffle, and knocks over several boxes + of bloaters in the gaiety of his heart._ + +A HAWKER OF PENNY MEMORANDUM BOOKS (_to an audience of small boys_). +Those among you 'oo are not mechanics, decidedly you 'ave mechanical +_hideers_! + + [_He enlarges upon the convenience of having a notebook in + which to jot down any inspirations of this kind; but his + hearers do not appear to agree with him._ + +A LUGUBRIOUS VENDOR. One penny for six comic pypers. Hevery one +different! + +A RUDE BOY. You ain't bin _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer, guv'nor? + +A CROCKERY MERCHANT (_as he unpacks a variety of vases of appalling +hideousness_). _I_ don't care--it's self-sacrifice to give away! +Understand, you ain't buyin' _common_ things, you're buyin' suthin' +_good_! It 'appens to be my buthday to-night, so I'm goin' to let you +people 'ave the benefit of the doubt. Come on 'ere. I don't ask you to +b'lieve _me_--on'y to jedge fur yerselves. I'm not 'ere to tell you no +fairy tales; and the reason why I'm in a position to orfer up these +vawses--all richly gilt, and decorated in three colours, the most +expensive ever made--the reason I'm able to sell them so cheap as I'm +doin' is this--(_he lowers his voice mysteriously_)--'arf the stuff I +'ave 'ere we git _in very funny ways_! + + [_This ingeniously suggestive hint enhances the natural charm + of his ware to such a degree that the vases are bought up + briskly, as calculated to brighten the humblest home._ + +A SANCTIMONIOUS YOUNG MAN (_with a tongue too large for his mouth, who +has just succeeded in collecting a circle round him_). I am only 'ere +to-night, my friends, as a paid servant--for the purpose of deciding a +wager. Some o' you may have noticed an advertisement lately in the +_Daily Telegrawf_, asking for men to stand on Southwark Bridge and orfer +arf-suverings for a penny apiece. You are equally well aware that it is +illegal to orfer the Queen's coinage for money: and that is _not_ my +intention this evening. _But_ I 'ave 'ere several pieces of gold, +guaranteed to be of the exact weight of arf a suvering, and 'all-marked, +which, in order to decide the wager I 'ave spoken of, I shall now +perceed to charge you the sum of one penny for, and no more. I am not +allowed to sell _more_ than one to each person---- + + [_Here a constable comes up, and the decision of the wager is + postponed until a more favourable opportunity._ + +FIRST "GENERAL" (_looking into a draper's window_). Look at them +coloured felt 'ats--all shades, and on'y sixpence three-fardens! + +SECOND "G." They _are_ reasonable; but I've 'eard as felt 'ats is gone +out of fashion now. + +FIRST "G." Don't you believe it, Sarah. Why, my married sister bought +one on'y last week! + +COSTER (_to an old lady who has repudiated a bunch of onions after a +prolonged scrutiny_). Frorsty? So would _you_ be if _your_ onion 'ad bin +layin' out in the fields all night as long as these 'ave! + +FIRST ITINERANT PHYSICIAN (_as he screws up fragments of candy in pieces +of newspaper_). That is Frog in your Froat what I'm doin' up now. I arsk +you to try it. It's given to me to give away, and I'm goin' to _give_ +it away--you understand?--that's all. And now I'm going to tork to you +about suthink else. You see this small bottle what I 'old up. I tell you +there's 'undreds layin' in bed at this present moment as 'ud give a +shillin' fur one of these--and I offer it to you at one penny! It +corrects all nerve-pains connected with the 'ed, cures earache, +toothache, neuralgy, noomonia, 'art-complaint, fits, an' syhatica. Each +bottle is charged with helectricity, forming a complete +galvanic-battery. Hall _you_ 'ave to do is to place the bottle to one o' +your nawstrils, first closing the other with your finger. You will find +it compels you to sniff. The moment you _tyke_ that sniff, you'll find +the worter comin' into your heyes--and that's the helectricity. You'll +say, "_I_ always 'eard helectricity was a _fluid_." (_With withering +scorn._) Very _likely_! You _'ave_? An' _why_? Be-cawse o' the hignirant +notions prevailin' about scientific affairs! Hevery one o' these bottles +contains a battery, and to each purchaser I myke 'im a present--a +_present_, mind yer--of Frog in 'is Froat! + +SUSAN JANE (_to LIZERANN, before a stall where "Novelettes, three a +penny," are to be procured by the literary_). Shall we 'ave a penn'orth, +an' you go 'alves along o' me? + +LIZERANN. Not _me_. I ain't got no time to go improvin' o' _my_ mind, +whatever _you_ 'ave! + +A VENDOR OF "'ORE'OUND TABLETS" (_he is a voluble young man, with +considerable lung-power, and a tendency to regard his cough lozenges as +not only physical but moral specifics_). I'm on'y a young feller, as you +see, and yet 'ere I _am_, with my four burnin' lamps, and a lassoo-soot +as belonged to my Uncle Bill, doin' _wunnerful_ well. Why, I've took +over two pound in coppers a'ready! Mind you, I don't deceive you; you +may all on you do as well as me; on'y you'll 'ave to get two good +ref'rences fust, _and_ belong to a temp'rance society, like I do. This +is the badge as I've got on me at this minnit. I ain't always bin like I +am now. I started business four year ago, and was doin' wunnerful well, +too, till I got among 'orse-copers an' dealers and went on the booze, +and lost the lot. Then I turned up the drink and got a berth sellin' +these 'ere Wangoo Tablets--and now I've got a neat little missus, and a +nice 'ome, goin' on wunnerful comfortable. Never a week passes but what +I buy myself something. Last week it was a pair o' noo socks. Soon as +the sun peeps out and the doo dries up, I'm orf to Yarmouth. And what's +the reason? I've _enjoyed_ myself there. My Uncle Bill, as lives at +Lowestoft, and keeps six fine 'orses and a light waggon, _he's_ doin' +wunnerful well, and he'd take me into partnership to-morrow, he would. +But no--I'm 'appier as I am. What's the reason I kin go on torkin' to +you like this night after night, without injury to my voice? Shall I +tell yer? Because, every night o' my life, afore I go to bed, I take +four o' these Wangoo Tablets--compounded o' the purest 'erbs. You take +them to the nearest doctor's and arsk 'im to analyse an' test them as he +_will_, and you 'ear what _he_ says of them! Take one o' them +tablets--after your pipe; after your cigaw; after your cigarette. You +won't want no more drink, you'll find them make you come 'ome reglar +every evening, and be able to buy a noo 'at every week. You've ony to +persevere for a bit with these 'ere lawzengers to be like I am myself, +doin' _wunnerful_ well! You see this young feller 'ere? (_Indicating a +sheepish head in a pot-hat, which is visible over the back of his +stall._) Born and bred in Kenada, _'e_ was. And quite _right_! Bin over +'ere six year, so, o' course he speaks the lengwidge. And _quite_ right. +Now I'm no Amerikin myself, but they're a wunnerful clever people, the +Amerikins are, allays inventin' or suthink o' that there. And you're at +liberty to go and arsk 'im for yourselves whether this is a real +Amerikin invention or not--as he'll tell yer it _is_--and quite right, +too! An' it stands to reason as _he_ orter know, seein' he introdooced +it 'imself and doin' wunnerful well with it ever since. I ain't come +'ere to _rob_ yer. Lady come and give me a two-shillin' piece just now. +I give it her back. _She_ didn't know--thort it was a penny, till I told +her. Well, that just shows you what these 'ere Wangoo 'Ore'ound Tablets +_are_! + + [_After this practical illustration of their efficacy, he + pauses for oratorical effect, and a hard-worked-looking matron + purchases three packets, in the apparent hope that a similar + halo of the best horehound will shortly irradiate the head of + her household._ + +LIZERANN (_to SUSAN JANE, as they walk homewards_). On'y fancy--the +other evenin', as I was walkin' along this very pavement, a cab-'orse +come up beyind me, unbeknown like, and put 'is 'ed over my shoulder and +breathed right in my ear! + +SUSAN JANE (_awestruck_). You _must_ ha' bin a bad gell! + + [_LIZERANN is clearly disquieted by so mystical an + interpretation, even while she denies having done anything + deserving of a supernatural rebuke._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE "MODEL HUSBAND" CONTEST. + + +_Scene the First--At the GALAHAD-GREEN'S._ + +MRS. G.-G. Galahad! + +MR. G.-G. (_meekly_). My love? + +MRS. G.-G. I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to follow +the American example, and offer a prize of £20 to the wife who makes out +the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as well, perhaps, +that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter _you_! + +MR. G.-G. (_gratified_). My dear Cornelia! really, I'd no idea you had +such a---- + +MRS. G.-G. Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, and, +as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way, +why----Would you like to hear what I've said about you? + +MR. G.-G. Well, if you're sure it wouldn't be troubling you too much, I +_should_, my dear. + +MRS. G.-G. Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._) +"Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would be a +bad day indeed for you, Galahad, if I ever had cause to think +_otherwise_!)--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his +person"--(ah, you may well blush, Galahad, but fortunately, they won't +want me to _produce_ you!)--"he imports into our happy home the delicate +refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time." (Will you kindly +take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule our little kingdom +with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy and friction are alike +unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to my womanly weakness"--(You +need not stare at me in that perfectly idiotic fashion!)--"I, looking to +him for the wise and tender support which has never yet been denied. The +close and daily scrutiny of many years has discovered"--(What are you +shaking like _that_ for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or +flaw of character; no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often +have I told you that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife +sucked? Put it down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever +spiritual--renders our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows +of soul.... _Well_, Galahad?" + +MR. G.-G. Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as, well,--a trifle +_flowery_, that last passage, that's all! + +MRS. G.-G. (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without +descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to know? +If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not speak at +all. (_Continuing._) "Over and over again, gathering me in his strong, +loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, he has cried, +'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem upon that brow? +With such a Consort am I not doubly crowned?'" Have you anything to say +to _that_, Galahad? + +MR. G.-G. Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having made +that particular remark. + +MRS. G.-G. Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as I +_can_. + + [_MR. G.-G. makes the remark--but without fervour._ + + +_Scene the Second--At the MONARCH-JONES'._ + +MR. M.-J. Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after all +I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so just +you sit down, Grizzle, and write out what I tell you; do you hear? + +MRS. M.-J. (_timidly_). But, Monarch, dear, would that be quite _fair_? +No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever you please! + +MR. M.-J. You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw myself +up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. (_Stands over +her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a perfect gentleman he +unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." (Why the devil don't you +learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and even lavish, in all his +dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every kind of excess"--(Hold on a +bit, I must have another nip after that)--"every kind of excess. Our +married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in which each +contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked +all that down _yet_!) "Such cares and anxieties as he has he conceals +from me with scrupulous consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I +should be a fool if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in +him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and +difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you +even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has +rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that I +were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, I +am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't romp +in after that!----(_Observing that MRS. M.-J.'S shoulders are +convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_? + +MRS. M.-J. I--I wasn't giggling, Monarch dear, only---- + +MR. M.-J. Only _what_? + +MRS. M.-J. Only crying! + + +_The Sequel._ + +"The judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of _All Sorts_ to +decide the 'Model Husband Contest'--which was established on lines +similar to one recently inaugurated by one of our New York +contemporaries--have now issued their award. Two competitors have sent +in certificates which have been found equally deserving of the prize; +viz., Mrs. Cornelia Galahad-Green, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. +Griselda Monarch-Jones, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of twenty +pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, to whom, +with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our cordial +felicitations."--(_Extract from Daily Paper, some six months hence._) + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE. + + +He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; his name is +BOSCH, and he is taking me about. _Why_ I engaged him I don't quite +know--unless from a general sense of helplessness in Holland, and a +craving for any kind of companionship. Now I have got him, I feel rather +more helpless than ever--a sort of composite of SANDFORD and MERTON, +with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible Dutch BARLOW. My +SANDFORD half would like to exhibit an intelligent curiosity, but is +generally suppressed by MERTON, who has a morbid horror of useful +information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, but nevertheless he +contrives to reduce me to a state of imbecility, which I catch myself +noting with a pained surprise. There is a statue in the Plein, and the +SANDFORD element in me finds a satisfaction in recognising it aloud as +William the Silent. It is--but, as my MERTON part thinks, a fellow +_would_ be a fool if he didn't recognise William after a few hours in +Holland--his images, in one form or another, are tolerably numerous. +Still BOSCH is gratified. "Yass, dot is ole Volliam," he says, +approvingly, as to a precocious infant just beginning to take notice. +"Lokeer," he says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He indicates a chemist's shop +opposite, with nothing remarkable about it externally, except a Turk's +head with his tongue out over the door. + +"Yes, I (speaking for SANDFORD and MERTON) see it--has it some +historical interest--did Volliam get medicine there, or what?" + +"Woll, dis mornin dare vas two sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces +out of de odder's haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang +himself mit a pedbost." + +BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating the liveliness of +The Hague. + +"Was he mad?" + +"Yass, he vas mard, mit a vife and seeks childrens." + +"No, but was he out of his senses?" + +"I tink it was oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says BOSCH. + +"But how did it happen?" + +"Wol-sare, de broprietor vas die, and leaf de +successor de pusiness, and he dells him in von mons he will go, begause +he nod egsamin to be a Chimigal--so he do it, and dey dake him to de +hosbital, and I tink _he_ vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, cheerfully. + +Very sad affair evidently--but a little complicated. SANDFORD would like +to get to the bottom of it, but MERTON convinced there is _no_ bottom. +So, between us, subject allowed to drop. + +SANDFORD (now in the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, +inscription on house-front, "Hier woonden Groen Van Prinsterer, +1838-76." + +"I suppose that means Van Prinsterer lived here, Bosch?" + +"Yass, dot vas it." + +"And who was he?" + +"He vas--wol, he vos a Member of de Barliaments." + +"Was he celebrated?" + +"Celebrated? oh, yaas!" + +"What did he _do_?" (I think MERTON gets this in.) + +"Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer do _nodings_!" + +BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he directs my attention to a +couple of very sooty live storks, who are pecking about at the refuse. + +"Dose pirts are shtorks; hier dey vas oblige to keep alvays two shtorks +for de arms of de Haag. Vhen de yong shtorks porn, de old vons vas +kill." + +SANDFORD shocked--MERTON sceptical. + +"Keel dem? Oh, yaas, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says BOSCH, +and adds:--"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, eh?" + +What _is_ he driving at? + +"Yaas--ven _ve_ vas old ve vas nod kill." + +This reminds BOSCH--BARLOW-like--of an anecdote. + +"Dere vas a vrent to me," he begins, "he com and say to me, 'Bosch, I am +god so shtout and my bark is so dick, I can go no more on my lacks--vat +vas I do?' To him I say, 'Wol, I dell you vat I do mit you--I dake you +at de booshair to be cot op; I tink you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!" + +Wonder whether this is a typical sample of BOSCH'S _badinage_. + +"What did he say to that, Bosch?" + +"Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says BOSCH, with the natural +complacency of a successful humorist. + +We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements of torture, +which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. + +"Lokeer!" he says, "Dis vas a pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a +can. Dey lie de man down and vasten his foots, and efery dime he vas +shdrook mit de can, he jomp op and hit his vorehaid.... Hier dey lie +down de beoples on de back, and pull dis shdring queeck, and all dese +tings go roundt, and preak deir bones. Ven de pinition was feenish you +vas det." He shows where the Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow +de vater vas vork a 'ole in de tile," he chuckles, "I tink de tile vas +vary hardt det, eh?" Then he points out a pole with a spiked prong. +"Tief-catcher--put 'em in de tief's nack--and get 'im!" Before a +grim-looking cauldron he halts appreciatively. "You know vat dat vas +for?" he says. "Dat vas for de blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yaas, and +light de vire onderneat." + +No idea what "_blode-foots_" may be, but from the relish in BOSCH'S +tone, evidently something very unpleasant, so don't press him for +explanations. We go upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy +dungeons, which BOSCH is very anxious that I should enter. Make him go +in _first_, for the surroundings seem to have excited his sense of the +humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable to resist locking me +in, and leaving me, if I gave him a chance. + +Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according to BOSCH, +"is not vort de see," so we don't see it. SANDFORD has a sneaking +impression that I ought to go in, but MERTON glad to be let off. We go +to see the pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges +greetings with the attendants in Dutch. "Got _another_ of 'em in tow, +you see--and collar-work, _I_ can tell you!" would be a free +translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must say that, in a +Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. He _does_ take my +ignorance just a trifle too much for granted. He _might_ give me credit +for knowing the story of Adam and Eve, at all events! "De Sairpan gif +Eva de opple, an' Eva gif him to Adam," BOSCH carefully informs me, +before a "_Paradise_," by Rubens and Brueghel. + +This rouses my MERTON half to inquire what Adam did with it. + +"Oh, _he_ ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. + +I do wish, too, he wouldn't lead me up to Paul Potter's "_Bull_," and +ask me enthusiastically if it isn't "real meat." I shouldn't mind it so +much if there were not several English people about, without +couriers--but there _are_. My only revenge is (as MERTON) to carefully +pick out the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; whereupon +BOSCH endeavours furtively to make out the label on the frames, and then +informs me in desperation, "it vas '_School_,'--yass, _he_ baint him!" +BOSCH kindly explains the subject of every picture in detail. He tells +me a Droochsloot represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose I look +bewildered, for he adds--"oppen air tance mit a village." "Hier dey vas +haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value as de cheese--dere is +de cheese, and dere is de ham." "Hier is an old man dot marry a yong +vife, and two tevils com in, and de old man he ron avay." "Hier he dress +him in voman, and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is Jan Steen himself as a +medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse, and say dere is nodings de +madder, and the modder ask him to trink a glass of vine." "Hier is de +beach at Skavening--now dey puild houses on de dunes--bot de beach is +schdill dere." + +Such are BOSCH'S valuable and instructive comments, to which, as +representing SANDFORD and MERTON, I listen with depressed docility. All +the same, can't help coming to the conclusion that Art is _not_ BOSCH'S +strong point. Shall come here again--alone. We go on to the Municipal +Museum, where he shows me what _he_ considers the treasures of the +collection--a glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo bipes," and +the pipes themselves; a painting of a rose, "mit ade beople's faces in +de leafs;" and a drawing of "two pirts mit only von foots." + +Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. + +"Lokeer. In dot house leef an oldt lady all mit herself and ade +sairvans. She com from Friesland, yassir." + +Really, I think BOSCH is going to be interesting--at last. There is a +sly twinkle in his eye, denoting some story of a scandalous but +infinitely humorous nature. + +"Well, Bosch, go on--what about the old lady?" I ask eagerly, as MERTON. + +"Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she nefer go noveres."... + +That's _all_! "A devilish interesting story, _Sumph_, indeed!" to quote +Mr. Wagg. + +But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you see, as a +schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you tings dot vas not in +de guide-books." Which I am not in a position to deny. + + + + +[Illustration] + + +FEELING THEIR WAY. + +(A STUDY IN THE ART OF GENTEEL CONVERSATION.) + + +_The Drawing-room of a Margate Hotel. TIME--Evening. MRS. ARDLEIGH (of +Balham), and MRS. ALLBUTT (of Brondesbury), are discovered in the midst +of a conversation, in which each is anxious both to impress the other, +and ascertain how far she is a person to be cultivated. At present, they +have not got beyond the discovery of a common bond in Cookery._ + +MRS. ALLBUTT. You have the yolks of two eggs, I must tell you; squeeze +the juice of half a lemon into it, and, when you boil the butter in the +pan, make a paste of it with _dry_ flour. + +MRS. ARDLEIGH. It sounds delicious--but you never can trust a Cook to +carry out instructions exactly. + +MRS. ALL. I never _do_. Whenever I want to have anything specially nice +for my husband, I make a point of seeing to it myself. He appreciates +it. Now _some_ men, if you cook for them, never notice whether it's you +or the Cook. My husband _does_. + +MRS. ARD. I wonder how you find time to do it. I'm sure _I_ should +never---- + +MRS. ALL. Oh, it takes time, of course--but what does that matter when +you've nothing to do? Did I mention just a small pinch of Cayenne +pepper?--because that's a _great_ improvement! + +MRS. ARD. I tell you what I like Cayenne pepper with, better than +anything--and that's eggs. + +MRS. ALL. (_with elegant languor_). I hardly ever eat an egg. Oysters, +now, I'm _very_ fond of--_fried_, that is. + +MRS. ARD. They're very nice done in the real shells. Or on scollops. We +have silver--or rather--(_with a magnanimous impulse to tone down her +splendour_), silver-plated ones. + +MRS. ALL. How funny--so have we! (_Both women feel an increase of liking +for one another._) I like them cooked in milk, too. + + [_The first barrier being satisfactorily passed, they proceed, + as usual, to the subject of ailments._ + +MRS. ARD. My doctor _does_ do me good, I must say--he never lets me get +ill. He just sees your liver's all right, and then he feeds you up. + +MRS. ALL. That's like _my_ doctor; he always tells me, if he didn't keep +on constantly building me up, I should go all to pieces in no time. +That's how I come to be here. I always run down at the end of every +Season. + +MRS. ARD. (_feeling that MRS. ALLBUTT can't be "anybody very particular" +after all_). What--to Margate? Fancy! Don't you find you get tired of +it? _I_ should. + +MRS. ALL. (_with dignity_). I didn't say I always went to Margate. On +the contrary, I have never been here before, and shouldn't be here now, +if my doctor hadn't told me it was my only chance. + +MRS. ARD. (_reassured_). I only came down here on my little girl's +account. One of those nasty croupy coughs, you know, and hoops with it. +But she's almost well already. I will say it's a wonderful air. Still, +the worst of Margate is, one isn't likely to meet a soul one knows! + +MRS. ALL. Well, that's the charm of it--to me. One has enough of that +during the Season. + +MRS. ARD. (_recognising the superiority of this view_). Indeed one has. +What a whirl it has been to be sure! + +MRS. ALL. The Season? Why, I never remember one with so little doing. +Most of the best houses closed--hardly a single really smart party--one +or two weddings--and that's positively all! + +MRS. ARD. (_slightly crushed, in spite of a conviction_ _that--socially +speaking--Balham has been rather more brilliant than usual this year_). +Yes, that's very true. I suppose the Elections have put a stop to most +things? + +MRS. ALL. There never was much going on. _I_ should rather have said it +was Marlborough House being shut up that made everything so dull from +the first. + +MRS. ARD. Ah, that _does_ make such a difference, doesn't it? (_She +feels she must make an effort to recover lost ground._) I fully expected +to be at Homburg this year. + +MRS. ALL. Then you would have met Lady Neuraline Menthol. She _was_ +ordered there, I happen to know. + +MRS. ARD. Really, you don't say so? Lady Neuraline! Well, that's the +first _I've_ heard of it. (_It is also the first time she has heard of +her, but she trusts to be spared so humiliating an admission._) + +MRS. ALL. It's a fact, I can assure you. You know her, perhaps? + +MRS. ARD. (_who would dearly like to say she does, if she only dared_). +Well, I can hardly say I exactly _know_ her. I know _of_ her. I've met +her about, and so on. (_She tells herself this is quite as likely to be +true as not._) + +[Illustration: "Dear, dear! _not_ a county family!"] + +MRS. ALL. (_who of course does not know Lady Neuraline either_). Ah, she +is a most delightful person--requires _knowing_, don't you know. + +MRS. ARD. So many in her position do, don't they? (_So far as she is +concerned--they all do._) You'd think it was haughtiness--but it's +really only _manner_. + +MRS. ALL. (_feeling that she can go ahead with safety now_). I have +never found anything of _that_ sort in Lady Neuraline myself (_which is +perfectly true._) She's rather odd and flighty, but _quite_ a dear. By +the way, _how_ sad it is about those poor dear Chutneys--the Countess, +don't you know! + +MRS. ARD. Ah (_as if she knew all the rest of the family_), I don't know +_her_ at all. + +MRS. ALL. Such a sweet woman--but the trouble she's had with her eldest +boy, Lord Mango! He married quite beneath him, you know, some girl from +the provinces--not a county-family girl even. + +MRS. ARD. (_shocked_). Dear, dear! _not_ a county family! + +MRS. ALL. No; somebody quite common--I forget the name, but it was +either Gherkin or Onion, or something of that sort. I was told they had +been in Chili a good while. Poor Mango never had much taste, or he would +never have got mixed up with such a set. Anyway, he's got himself into +a terrible pickle. I hear Capsicums is actually to be sold to pay his +debts. + +MRS. ALL. You don't say so! Capsicums! Gracious! + +MRS. ALL. Yes, _isn't_ it a pity! Such a lovely old place as it was, +too--_the_ most comfortable house to stay at in all England; so +beautifully _warm_! But it's dreadful to think of how the aristocracy +are taking to marry out of their own set. Look at the Duke of +Dragnet--married a Miss Duckweed--goodness only knows where he picked +her up! but he got entangled somehow, and now his people are trying to +get rid of her. I see so many of these cases. Well, I'm afraid I must +wish you good evening--it's my time for retiring. (_Patronisingly._) +I've quite enjoyed the conversation--such a pleasure in a place like +this to come across a genial companion! + +MRS. ARD. (_fluttered and flattered_). I'm sure you're exceedingly kind +to say so, and I can say the same for myself. I hope we may become +better acquainted. (_To herself, after MRS. ALLBUTT has departed._) I've +quite taken to that woman--she's so thoroughly the lady, and moves in +very high society, too. You can tell that from the way she talks. What's +that paper on the table? (_She picks up a journal in a coloured +wrapper._) "_Society Snippets, the Organ of the Upper Ten. One Penny._" +The very thing I wanted. It's such a comfort to know who's who. (_She +opens it and reads sundry paragraphs headed "Through the Keyhole."_) Now +how funny this is! Here's the very same thing about the dulness of the +Season that she said. That shows she must be really in it. And a note +about Lady Neuraline being about to recruit at Homburg. And another +about her reputation or eccentricity, and her "sweetness to the select +few privileged to be her intimates." And here's all about Lord Mango, +and what a pleasant house Capsicums is, and his marriage, and the Duke +of Dragnet's, too. Her information was very correct, I must say! (_A +light begins to break in upon her._) I wonder whether----but +there--people of her sort wouldn't require to read the papers for such +things. + + [_Here the door opens, and MRS. ALLBUTT appears, in some + embarrassment._ + +MRS. ALL. (_scrutinising the tables_). Oh, it's nothing. I thought I'd +left something of mine here; it was only a paper--I see I was mistaken, +don't trouble. + +MRS. ARD. (_producing Society Snippets_). I expect it will be this. +(_MRS. ALLBUTT'S face reveals her ownership._) I took it up, not knowing +it was yours. (_Meaningly_.) It has some highly interesting +information, I see. + +MRS. ALL. (_slightly demoralised_). Oh, has it? I--I've not had time to +glance at it yet. Pray don't let me deprive you of it. I dare say +there's very little in it I don't know already. + +MRS. ARD. So I should have thought. (_To herself, after MRS. ALLBUTT has +retired in disorder._) Fancy that woman trying to take me in like that, +and no more in Society than I am--if so much! However, I've found her +out before going too far--luckily. And I've a good mind to take in this +_Society Snippets_ myself--it certainly does improve one's conversation. +She won't have it _all_ her own way _next_ time! + + + + +[Illustration] + + +A TESTIMONIAL MANQUÉ. + +(A SKETCH FROM THE SUBURBS.) + + +_THE ARGUMENT.--Mr. Hotspur Porpentine, a distinguished resident in the +rising suburb of Jerrymere, has recently been awarded fourteen days' +imprisonment, without the option of a fine, for assaulting a +ticket-collector, who had offered him the indignity of requiring him to +show his season-ticket at the barrier. The scene is a Second-Class +Compartment, in which four of Mr. Porpentine's neighbours are discussing +the affair during their return from the City._ + +MR. COCKCROFT (_warmly_). I say, Sir--and I'm sure all here will bear me +out--that such a sentence was a scandalous abuse of justice. As a near +neighbour, and an intimate friend of Porpentine's, I don't 'esitate to +assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our esteem. He's a +quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked by some +meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling on the line +constantly for years, and leaving it at home that morning--why--_I_ +don't blame him if he _did_ use his umbrella! + +MR. BALCH (_sympathetically_). Nor I. Porpentine's a man I've always had +a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood. I've +always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour. + +MR. FILKINS (_deferentially_). I can't claim to be as intimate with him +as some here; but, if it isn't putting myself too far forward to say so, +I very cordially beg to say ditto to those sentiments. + +MR. SIBBERING (_who has never "taken to" Porpentine_). Well, he's had a +sharp lesson,--there's no denying that. + +MR. COCKCR. Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he--ah--returns to +public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and a thing +he would--ah--appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if we were to +present him with some little token of our sympathy and unabated +esteem--what do you fellers think? + +MR. FILK. A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow me +to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an +object. + +MR. BALCH. I don't see why we shouldn't present him with an +address--'ave it illuminated, and framed and glazed; sort of thing he +could 'ang up and 'and down to his children after him as an _heirloom_, +yi-know. + +[Illustration: "Well, he's had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying +that."] + +MR. SIBB. I don't like to throw cold water on any proposition, but if +you want _my_ opinion, I must say I see no necessity for making a public +thing out of it in that way. + +MR. COCKCR. I'm with Sibbering there. The less fuss there is about it, +the better Porpentine'll be pleased. My idea is to give him something of +daily use--a _useful_ thing, yi-know. + +MR. BALCH. Useful _or_ ornamental. Why not his own portrait? There's +many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness, frame +included, for a five-pound note. + +MR. SIBB. If it's to be like Porpentine, it certainly won't be +_ornamental_, whatever else it is. + +MR. FILK. It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the face. +We'd better, as our friend Mr. Cockcroft here proposes, make it +something of daily use--a good serviceable silk umbrella now--that's +_always_ appropriate. + +MR. SIBB. To make up for the one he broke over the collector's head, +eh?--that's _appropriate_ enough! + +MR. COCKCR. No, no; you mean well, Filkins, but you must see yourself, +on reflection, that there would be a certain want of--ah--good taste in +giving him a thing like that under the circumstances. I should suggest +something like a hatstand--a handsome one, of course. I happen to know +that he has nothing in the passage at present but a row of pegs. + +MR. SIBB. I should have thought he'd been taken down enough pegs +already. + +MR. FILK. (_who resents the imputation upon his taste_). I can't say +what the width of Mr. Porpentine's passage may be, never having been +privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless it's +wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and if my +friend Cockcroft will excuse the remark, I see no sense--to say nothing +of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to pass an +opinion--in giving him an article he's got no room for. + +MR. COCKCR. (_with warmth_). There's room enough in Porpentine's passage +for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know what I'm +speaking about. I've been in and out there often enough. I'm--ah--a +regular tame cat in that house. But if you're against the 'atstand, I +say no more--we'll waive it. How would it do if we gave him a nice +comfortable easy-chair--something he could sit in of an evening, +yi-know? + +MR. SIBB. A touchy chap like Porpentine would be sure to fancy we +thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a plank +bed--you can't go and give him _furniture_! + +MR. COCKCR. (_with dignity_). There's a way of doing all things. I +wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair _at_ him--he's a sensitive +feller in many respects, and he'd feel _that_, I grant you. He can't +object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like +ourselves. + +MR. BALCH (_with a falling countenance_). Oh! I thought it was to be a +general affair, limited to a small sum, so that all who liked could join +in. I'd no notion you meant to keep it such a private matter as all +that. + +MR. FILK. Nor I. And, knowing Mr. Porpentine so slightly as I do, he +might consider it presumption in me, making myself so prominent in the +matter--or else I'm sure---- + +MR. COCKCR. There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except +myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken up +some evening to Porpentine's house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and just +lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and wheel +the chair in, make him try it--and there you _are_. + +MR. BALCH. There _you_ are, right enough; but I don't see where _we_ +come in, exactly. + +MR. FILLK. If it's to be confined to just us four, I certingly think we +ought _all_ to be present at the presentation. + +MR. COCKCR. That would be just the very thing to put a man like +Porpentine out--a crowd dropping in on him like that! I know his ways, +and, seeing I'm providing the chair---- + +MR. BALCH (_relieved_). _You_ are? That's different, of course; but I +thought you said that we four---- + +MR. COCKCR. I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a particular +friend of Porpentine's, it's only right and fair I should bear the chief +burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants re-covering +to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to pay for 'aving +it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll call it quits. + +MR. BALCH. I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself in for; +and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up a chair as +would furnish a room. + +MR. FILK. I--I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as, +comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain +limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum, I +really----- + +MR. SIBB. (_unmasking_). After all, you know, I don't see why we should +go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like Porpentine. +It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us Jerrymere folks, and +considers himself above the lot of us! + +MR. BALCH and MR. FILK. I'm bound to say there's a good deal in what +Sibbering says. Porpentine's never shown himself what _I_ should call +sociable. + +MR. COCKCR. I've never found him anything but pleasant myself, whatever +he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an _exclusive_ man, and a +_fastidious_ man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and _I_ should have +thought this was an occasion--if ever there was one--for putting any +private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect and +sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies of this +sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing myself, +_I've_ no objection. I daresay he'll value it all the more coming from +me. + +MR. SIBB. Well, he _ought_ to, after the shameful way he's spoken of you +to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You mayn't know, +and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that he complained +bitterly of having to change his regular train on your account, and said +(I'm only repeating his words, mind you), that Jerrymere was entirely +populated by bores, but you were the worst of the lot, and your jabber +twice a day was more than he _could_ stand. He mayn't have _meant_ +anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled for. + +MR. COCKCR. (_reddening_). I 'ope I'm above being affected by the +opinion any man may express of my conversation--especially a +cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A +feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's +'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere +society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be troubled with +much of it in future--_I_ can assure him! Upon my word, now I come to +think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called upon for an explanation +of how he came to be travelling without a ticket; it looks very much to +me as if he'd been systematically defrauding the Company! + +MR. FILK. Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been _my_ +view all along! + +MR. BALCH. And mine. + +MR. SIBB. Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you to +give him the arm-chair. + +MR. COCKCR. I give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the 'ole +of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever it was that +first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm not going to +'ave _my_ name associated with it, and if you'll take _my_ advice, +you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making yourselves +ridiculous! + + [_His companions, observing that he is in a somewhat excited + condition, consider it advisable to change the subject._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE MODEL DEMOCRACY. + + +"I think you left directions that you were to be thawed in 199-- +precisely?" said the stranger politely. "Allow me to introduce +myself--NUMBER SEVEN MILLION AND SIX. If you feel equal to the effort, +and would care to see the vast improvements in our social condition +since the close of the benighted Nineteenth Century, I shall be pleased +to conduct you." + +MR. PUNCH then began to realise that he had had himself frozen by a +patent process just a hundred years ago, and that he had returned to +animation in time for the close of the marvellous Twentieth Century; so +he prepared, in much curiosity and excitement, to accompany his guide. + +"By the way," observed the latter, "you must not be annoyed if +your--hem--habiliments, which we are unaccustomed to nowadays, should +attract some attention." + +Singularly enough, MR. PUNCH had just begun to feel a certain +embarrassment at the prospect of being seen in Piccadilly or Regent +Street in the company of a person attired in grey cellular pyjamas, a +drab blanket, and a glazed pot hat. However, on reaching the street, he +found that every man he met was similarly clad, while his own +costume--which, in his original century, would only have been remarkable +for its unimpeachable taste--was, in this, the subject of universal and +invidious comment. + +"You'll have your regulation pot hat and pyjamas served out to you in +time!" said MR. SEVEN MILLION AND SIX encouragingly. "Then no one will +say anything to you. In these days we resent anything that tends to +confer an artificial distinction on any man. Surnames, for example, +which occasionally suggested superiority of birth, have long been +abolished, and official numbers substituted. You seem to be looking for +something you do not see?" he added, noting a certain blankness and +disappointment in MR. PUNCH'S expressive countenance. + +"I was only wondering why I saw no signs of any new and marvellous +inventions at present," said MR. PUNCH. "I rather expected to see the +air full of electric trains, manageable balloons, or coveys of citizens +darting about on mechanical pinions. But I see none, and even more +people go on foot than in my own time." + +"Inventions, I take it," was the reply, "only served to enrich the +Capitalist, and save time or labour. Now we have no Capitalists and no +riches, and no reason for hurrying anywhere, while it would be absurd +and useless to lessen the amount of manual labour when, even as it is, +there is scarcely enough to keep everyone employed for six hours a day." + +"Why are all the women I see dressed exactly alike in navy-blue woollen +frocks and coal-scuttle bonnets?" MR. PUNCH inquired presently. "Surely +they can't _all_ be members of the Sal----" + +"A uniform costume was decreed by plebiscite some years ago," replied +his mentor, promptly. "Any real equality amongst women was found +hopeless so long as some were able to render themselves exceptionally +attractive by a distinctive toilette." + +"What!" exclaimed MR. PUNCH, "did all the pretty women consent to such a +sacrifice?" + +"They were in a very decided minority, even then," said MR. SEVEN +MILLION AND SIX; "and it is not our way to think much of minorities. At +present, owing no doubt to an enactment which penalised every pretty +woman by compelling her to wear blue goggles and a respirator, feminine +beauty is practically extinct." + +MR. PUNCH could not restrain a sigh. They were now entering a somewhat +gloomy thoroughfare, between massive blocks of buildings, with large +doors and innumerable small windows, which towered into the sky on +either hand. + +"I seem to miss the shop-fronts," he said aloud, "with their +plate-glass, and all their glitter and luxury. What has become of them +all?" + +"Such necessaries as the citizen requires," said his companion, "are +procured at the Public Storehouses, which you see around you, by the +simple method of presenting a ticket. The luxuries you refer to were +only procurable by the rich, and nobody is rich now. If you will come +with me, I will take you over one of the State Dwelling-houses, and show +you one of the suites of rooms. Every citizen has a room; or, if +married, a couple of rooms, exactly the same shape and size as those of +his fellows.... Beautifully clean, you see!" he remarked, complacently, +as he threw open one of the doors. "Neat whitewashed walls, plain deal +furniture, nice holland blinds--what more can any reasonable citizen +want in the way of comfort?" + +"There used to be a celebrated poet in my time," said MR. PUNCH, +with some hesitation, "Who designed and sold very beautiful +upholster--tapestry, wall-papers, curtains, and so on. I fancy _he_ +held socialistic views. But I see no trace of his work _here_." + +"I think I know whom you refer to," was the reply. "The community would +doubless have been glad of his company's services if they would only +have contracted to supply every citizen with precisely the same pattern +and quality of their manufactures at, say, a pork-pie a yard, but, for +some reason, the firm could not see their way to it, and the industry +declined; which is not to be regretted, for it certainly tended to +foster individualism." + +"It is curious," said MR. PUNCH, when they were outside again, "that I +have not as yet seen a single policeman." + +"Not at all curious. We _have_ none. Crime simply proceeded from the +galling sense of social inequality. Consequently, as soon as that was +removed, Justice, with all its machinery, became an anachronism." + +"I think," said MR. PUNCH, presently, "I should like to take a stroll in +Hyde Park." + +"That," said his guide, "has not been possible for at least fifty years. +All the parks are now cut up into three-acre allotments, where every +able-bodied citizen does an hour's compulsory spade-work once a +fortnight. A most admirable reform, as you will agree!" + +"Capital!" gasped MR. PUNCH, with an anticipatory pain in his back. +"Then I am curious to see what strides have been made by your modern +painters. Could you take me to a picture-gallery?" + +"There are _no_ modern painters. It is perhaps a pity--but quite +unavoidable. It was an obvious injustice that, when all citizens had to +perform their share of more or less distasteful manual labour, there +should be any one class that earned a living by work in which they took +a positive pleasure. So that every artist had to do his six hours' +stone-breaking or brick-making; or what not, as an antecedent condition +of being permitted to paint at all, and naturally the State declined to +provide him with paints and brushes at the expense of the community. A +few artists persisted for a while, from sheer love of the thing; but as +no picture fetched more than a pound of sausages, and the average price +was a bowl of porridge, they found it expedient to turn to some more +useful occupation. And it is undeniable that they contribute more to the +resources of the commonwealth by wielding a trowel or a broom than by +messing about with brushes and paint. As a concession to hereditary +instinct, however, their descendants are still set apart as State +white-washers." + +"And the drama?" MR. PUNCH inquired next. "How is _that_ getting on? Has +the New Dramatist made his appearance at last?" + +"On the contrary, I am glad to say he has disappeared--let us hope for +ever. For, the essence of Drama, as I understand, was Emotion--Passion, +Jealousy, Marital and Parental relations, and so on. Now that marriages +are the subject of State regulation, and extend only for a limited +period, Passion, of course is obsolete; Jealousy, too, is recognised as +merely Selfishness in disguise, and we have grown too altruistic to +desire the exclusive possession of anything. While as the offspring of +every union are removed at birth to a communal _crèche_, and brought up +and educated by the State, there are no longer any opportunities for +filial or parental affection." + +"Then I presume Fiction is equally----?" + +"Just so. Fiction depended on Contrast. When everybody is on precisely +the same level, the novelist is, happily, unnecessary. What are you +looking for _now_?" + +"I was wondering if I could buy an evening paper anywhere," said MR. +PUNCH, wistfully. "But perhaps Journalism is also----?" + +"Of course. Everyone is so contentedly and peacefully absorbed in +contributing his share of work to the State, that he has no desire to +read about the doings of other persons, even if there was anything of +interest to be told, which there isn't. We produce just sufficient for +our own wants, so there is no commerce; we have no Army or Navy, since +we don't desire to conquer, and are not worth conquering. No Politics, +because we govern ourselves by our own consent and co-operation; no +Science, as inventors only benefited capital at the expense of labour; +and, this being so, what _is_ there to put into a newspaper, if we had +one?" + +"Haven't you even a--a _humorous_ paper?" said MR. PUNCH. "I used to do +a little in that way once." + +"You had better not do it _here_. Humour, I believe, consisted in +representing Humanity under ridiculous aspects. _We_'re Humanity, and we +don't see any fun in being laughed at. None of your humour here, mind!" + +"But the citizens have a certain amount of leisure, I suppose," said MR. +PUNCH. "How _do_ they amuse themselves? For I can discover no +libraries, no circuses, nor concert-rooms, nor anything!" + +[Illustration: "None of your humour here, mind!"] + +"It was seen to be invidious to furnish any entertainment at the public +expense which did not give equal amusement to all, and so the idea was +gradually dropped. When our citizens have finished their daily task, +they find their relaxation, in the intervals of eating and sleeping, in +the harmless and soothing practice of chewing gum. They can all do +_that_, and the State provides each with a weekly supply for the +purpose. Now tell me--is there anything _more_ I can do for you?" + +"Yes," murmured MR. PUNCH; "if you would be so very kind as to freeze me +again for five hundred years or so, I should be exceedingly obliged. I +don't feel quite at home in _this_ century!" + + + + +[Illustration] + + +BY PARLIAMENTARY. + + +_On the Platform._ + +A LADY OF FAMILY. Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear. I +consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders. + + [_Looks out for an empty third-class compartment._ + + _In the Carriage._--_The seats are now occupied: the LADY OF + FAMILY is in one corner, next to a CHATTY WOMAN with a basket, + and opposite to an ECCENTRIC-LOOKING MAN with a flighty + manner._ + +The ECCENTRIC MAN (_to the LADY OF FAMILY_). Sorry to disturb you, Mum, +but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches. + +The _L. of F._???!!! + +The E. M. (_considerately_). Don't trouble yourself, Mum, it's of no +intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat. + +The CHATTY W. (_to the L. OF F._). I think I've seen you about +Shinglebeach, 'ave I not? + +The L. OF F. It is very possible. I have been staying with some friends +in the neighbourhood. + +The C. W. It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but +(_confidentially_) don't you think it's a very singler thing that in a +place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single +'am an' beef shop? + +The L. OF F. (_making a desperate effort to throw herself into the +question_). What a very extraordinary thing to be sure. Dear, _dear_ me! +No ham and beef shop! + +The C. W. It's so indeed, Mum; and what's more, as I daresay you have +noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever +so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's +notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that? + +The L. OF F. (_faintly_). I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation. + +A SENTENTIOUS MAN. Fried fish is very sustaining. + + [_Relapses into silence for remainder of journey._ + +The ECCENTRIC MAN. Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was kids, +my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad 'em +boiled, and they'd last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind man, +my father (_to the L. OF F., who bows constrainedly_), though you +wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't know, mind yer, that he +wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(_the L. OF F. looks out of +window_)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I +am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (_Hands that document +round for inspection._) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (_To the L. +OF F._) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry, +and there's good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite passages +with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that's_ my name. + + [_The L. OF F. peruses the will with as great a show of + interest as she can bring herself to assume._ + +The ECCENTRIC MAN. D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there? +That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went +to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. OF +F., who listens unwillingly._) It's wonderful how many of our family +have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died +cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days +when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything +at all out of the way, you'll know what it is. + +[_L. OF F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage +are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from +his FIANCÉE as the L. OF F. takes her seat._ + +The FIANCÉ. Excuse me one moment, Ma'am. + +(_Leans across the L. OF F. and out of the window._) Well, good-bye, my +girl; take care of yourself. + +The FIANCÉE (_with a hysterical giggle._) Oh, I'll take care o' _my_ +self. + + [_Looks at the roof of the carriage._ + +HE (_with meaning_). No more pickled onions, eh? + +SHE. What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my +love to Joe. + +HE. All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last. (_They embrace +loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of +mingled sentiment and complacency._) Oh (_to L. OF F._), if you don't +mind my stepping across you again, Mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between +this and Friday, just tell him as---- + + [_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses; final parting + as train starts with a jerk, which throws the FINACÉ upon the + L. OF F.'S lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar + significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring_ + _Men, who is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His + companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a + large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the + bottle to the FIANCÉ._ + +The F. Thankee, I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you---- + + [_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is + about to hand back bottle when the first SEAFARER intimates + that he is to pass it on. The L. OF F. recoils in horror._ + +BOTH SEAFARERS. It's _wine_, Mum! + + [_Tableau. The LADY OF FAMILY realises that the study of + third-class humanity has its drawbacks._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE FARMING OF THE FUTURE; OR, WHAT BRITISH AGRICULTURE IS COMING TO. + + +_A Car on the Electric Light Railway. TIME.--Twentieth Century._ + +FIRST FARMER (_recognising Second Farmer_). Why, 'tis Muster Fretwail, +surelie! didn't see it was you afore. And how be things gettin' along +with _you_, Sir, eh? + +FARMER FRETWAIL (_lugubriously_). 'Mong the middlin's, Muster Lackaday; +'mong the middlin's! Nothen doin' just now--nothen 't all! + +THIRD FARMER (_enviously_). Well, _you_ hevn't no call fur to cry out, +neighbour. I see you've got a likely lot o' noo 'oardins comin' up all +along your part o' the line. I wish mine wur arf as furrard, I know +thet! + +F. FRETWAIL. Ah, them "Keep yer 'air on"'s, _you_ mean, Ryemouth. I +don't deny as they was lookin' tidy enough a week back. But just as I +was makin' ready fur to paint up "Try it on a Billiard Ball," blamed if +this yere frost didn't set in, and now theer's everything at a +standstill, wi' the brushes froze 'ard in the pots! + +F. RYEMOUTH. 'Tis the same down with me. Theer's a acre o' "Bunyan's +Easy Boots" as must hev a noo coat, and I cann't get nothen done to 'en +till the weather's a bit more hopen like. Don' keer _'ow_ soon we hev a +change, myself, I don't! + +F. LACKADAY. Nor yet me, so long as we don't 'ave no gales with it. +Theer was my height acre pasture as I planted only las' Candlemas wi' +"Roopy's Lung Tonics"--wunnerful fine and tall they was, too--and ivery +one on 'en blowed down the next week! + +F. FRETWAIL. Well I 'ope theer wun't be no rain, neither, come to that. +I know I had all the P's of my "Piffler's Persuasive Pillules" fresh +gold-leaved at Michaelmas, and it come on wet directly arter I done it, +and reg'lar washed the gilt out o' sight an' knowledge, it did. Theer +ain't no standin' up agen rain! + +F. RYEMOUTH. I dunno as I wouldn't as lief hev rain as sun. My +"Hanti-Freckle Salves" all blistered up and peeled afore the summer was +'ardly begun a'most. + +[Illustration: "I cann't get nothen done to 'en till the weather's a bit +more hopen like."] + +F. LACKADAY. 'Tis a turr'ble hard climate to make 'ead against, is +ourn. I've 'eard tell as some farmers are takin' to they enamelled hiron +affairs, same as they used to hev when I wur a lad. I mind theer wur a +crop o' "Read Comic Cagmag" as lingered on years arter the paper itself. +Not as I hold with enamelling, myself--'tain't what I call 'igh +farmin'--takes too much outer the land in _my_ 'pinion. + +F. FRETWAIL. Aye, aye. "Rotation o' boards." Say, "Spooner's Sulphur +Syrup" fur a spring crop, follered with some kind o' soap or candles, +and p'raps cough lozengers, or hembrocation, or bakin' powder, if the +soil will bear it, arterwards--that's the system _I_ wur reared on, and +there ain't no better, 'pend upon it! + +F. RYEMOUTH. I tell 'ee what 'tis; it's time we 'ad some protection agen +these yere furrin advartisements. I was travellin' along the Great +Northern t'other day, an' I see theer wos two or three o' them French +boards nigh in ivery field, a downright shame and disgrace I call it, +disfigurin' the look of the country and makin' it that ontidy--let alone +drivin' honest British boards off the land. Government ought to put a +stop to it; that's what _I_ say! + +F. LACKADAY. They Parliment chaps don't keer _what_ becomes of us poor +farmers, they don't. Look at last General Election time. They might ha' +given our boards a turn; but not they. Most o' they candidates did all +their 'tisin' with rubbishy flags and balloons--made in Japan, Sir, +every blamed one o' them! And they wonder British Agriculture don't +prosper more! + +F. RYEMOUTH. Speaking o' queer ways o' hadvertisin', hev any of ye set +eyes on that farm o' young Fullacrank's? Danged if ever _I_ see sech +tomfool notions as he's took up with in all _my_ born days. + +F. FRETWAIL. Why, what hev he been up to _now_, eh? + +F. RYEMOUTH. Well, I thought I shud ha' bust myself larfin' when I see +it fust. Theer ain't not a board nor a sky sign; no, nor yet a 'oarding, +on the 'ole of his land! + +F. LACKADAY. Then how do he expect to get a profit out of it?--that's +what _I_ want to year. + +F. RYEMOUTH. You'll 'ardly credit it, neighbours, but he's been buryin' +some o' they furrin grains, hoats and barley, an' I dunno what not, in +little holes about his fields, so as to make the words, "Use Faddler's +Non-Farinaceous Food"--and the best of it is the darned young fool +expecks as 'ow it'll all sprout come next Aperl--he do indeed, friends! + +F. FRETWAIL. Flying in the face o' Providence, I calls it. He must ha' +gone clean out of his senses! + +F. LACKADAY. Stark starin' mad. I never heerd tell o' such extravagance. +Why, as likely as not, 'twill all die off o' the land afore the year's +out--and wheer wull he be _then_? + +F. RYEMOUTH. Azactly what I said to 'en myself. "You tek my word for +it," I sez, "'twun't never come to no good. The nateral crop for these +yere British Hiles," I told 'en, "is good honest Henglish hoak an' +canvas," I sez, "and 'tain't the action of no sensible man, nor yet no +Christian," sez I, "to go a-drillin' 'oles and a-droppin' in houtlandish +seeds from Canada an' Roosha, which the sile wasn't never intended to +bear!" + +FARMERS FRETWELL and LACKADAY. Rightly spoke, neighbour Ryemouth, 'twas +a true word! But theer'll be a jedgment on sech new-fangled doin's, and, +what's moor, you and I will live fur to see it afore we're very much +older! + + [_They all shake their heads solemnly as scene closes in._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +A DIALOGUE ON ART. + +(A STUDY IN SPIRITS AND WATERS.) + + +_The Smoke-room of a Provincial Hotel. TIME--Towards midnight. +CHARACTERS--MR. LUCESLIPP-BLETHERON, a middle-aged Art Patron and +Dilettante. He has arrived at his third tumbler of whiskey and water, +and the stage at which a man alludes freely before strangers to his +"poor dear father." MR. MILBOARD, a Painter, on a sketching tour. He is +enduring MR. L.-B. with a patience which will last for just one more +pipe. FIRST COMMERCIAL, who considers Mr. L.-B. a highly agreeable and +well-informed gentleman, and is anxious to be included in his audience. +SECOND COMMERCIAL, who doesn't intend to join in the conversation until +he feels he can do so with crushing effect._ + +MR. LUCESLIPP-BLETHERON. Yes, I assure you, I never come acrosh a David +Cox but I say to myself, "_There_'sh a Bit!" (_Here he fixes his +eye-glass, sips whiskey and water, and looks at MR. MILBOARD as if he +expected him to express admiration at this evidence of penetration. The +only tribute he extorts, however, is a grunt._) Now, we've a Cornelius +Janssen at home. Itsh only hishtory is--my dear father bought it. He was +an artist himself, painted a bit, travelled man, an' all that short o' +thing. Well, _he_ picked it up for ten pounds! + +FIRST COMMERCIAL (_deferentially_). Did he reelly now? A Johnson for ten +pounds! Did he get a warranty with it, Sir? + +MR. L.-B. (_after bringing the eye-glass to bear on the intruder for a +second_). Then I've a Mieris--at leasht, _shome_ clever f'ler painted +it, and it'sh a pleashure to look at it, and you can't get over _that_, +can you? + +MR. MILBOARD. I don't intend to _try_ to get over it. + +MR. L.-B. You're qui' right. Now I'm the lasht man in the world to +shwagger; shtill, I'm goin' to ashk you to lemme have my lil' shwagger +now. I happened to be at Rome shor' time ago, and I met Middleman there. +We had our lil' chat together and what not--he'sh no pershonal friend o' +mine. Well; I picked up a lil' drawing by a Roman chap; worth nothing +more than what I got it for, or _anything_, as you may shay. Middleman +had the whole run of this chap's studio. I saw this drawing--didn't care +mush about it--but thought it wash a gem, and gave the modesh shum of a +hundred an' fifty _lire_ for it. Put it in my portmanteau between a +couple o' shirts---- + +FIRST COMM. (_still pining for notice_). When you say shirts, Sir, I +presume you mean _clean_ ones? + +MR. L.-B. No man with the shlightest feelin' or reverence for Art would +_put_ sush a queshtion! (_The FIRST COMM. collapses._) Between a couple +of--(_underlining the word_) Shirts, and brought it home. Now I'm comin' +to my point. One afternoon after my return, I wash walking down Bond +Street, when I saw a sketch exhibited in a window by the shame f'ler. I +went in and shaid, "What are you asking for thish? Mind I don' wanter +_buy_ it; ashk me any price yer like!" And they shaid forty guineash. + +MR. MILB. Apparently they availed themselves of your permission, and +_did_ ask you any price they liked. + +MR. L.-B. No doubt; but wait till I've _done_. I saw another--a finished +drawing not qui' so good as mine, there. Then I shaid to them quietly, +"Now, look _here_, why don' you go an' buy 'em for yourshelves in the +artist's own shtudio?" It shtruck me as sho odd, a man like Middleman, +being there, and having the pick, shouldn' buy _more_ of 'em! + +MR. MILB. Wasn't worth his while; he can't buy _everything_! + +MR. L.-B. (_after considering this impartially with some more whiskey_). +No; your ansher is a very _good_ one, and a very _fair_ one. He _can't_ +buy everything. I _did_ pick, however, an' I gorrit. I said to him, "How +mush?" an' he tol' me, and there wash an end of it, do you shee? + +MR. MILB. It's the ordinary course of business, isn't it? + +MR. L.-B. Egshackly. But how few _do_ it! Now, I'll tell you 'nother +shtory 'bout my poo' dear father. He came 'pon a sculpture in a +curioshity shop; it wash very dirty and used up, but my dear father saw +it was worth shpotting, and a thing to _be_ shpotted, and sho he put +hish _finger_ on it! + +FIRST COMM. (_undaunted by past failure_). And was it antique, Sir? + +MR. L.-B. That'sh more'n I can tell you; it wash very dirty, at any +rate, and he only gave fifty guineash for it. Wasn't a _great_ shum---- + +FIRST COMM. (_encouraged by his affability_). No, indeed; a mere +nothing, so to speak, Sir! + +MR. L.-B. (_annoyed_). Will you have the goodnesh to lemme finish what I +was telling thish gentleman? When my poo' father got that busht home, it +was the mos' perfect likenesh o' Napoleon! + +[Illustration: "They haven't the _patiensh_ for it."] + +MR. MILB. Ha! puts me in mind of the old story of the man who picked up +a dingy panel somewhere or other, took it home, cleaned it, and found a +genuine Morland; went on cleaning and discovered an undoubted Rembrandt; +cleaned _that_, and came to a Crivelli; couldn't stop, kept on cleaning, +and was rewarded by a portrait of George the Fourth! + +FIRST COMM. (_deeply impressed_). And all of them genuine? How _very_ +extraordinary, to be sure! + +MR. L.-B. (_wagging his head sapiently_). I could tell you shtranger +things than _that_. But as I was shaying, here was this busht of +Napoleon, by some French chap--which _you_ would tell me was _against_ +it. + +MR. MILB. Why? The French are the best sculptors in the world. + +MR. L.-B. The Frensh! I can _not_ bring myshelf to believe that, if only +for thish shimple reashon, they haven't the _patiensh_ for it. + +FIRST COMM. So _I_ should have said. For my own part--not knowing much +_about_ it, very likely--I should have put the _Italians_ first. + +MR. MILB. If you are talking of all time---- + +FIRST COMM. (_feeling at last at his ease_). I should say, even _now_. +Why, there was a piece of statuary in the Italian Exhibition at Earl's +Court some years back that took _my_ fancy and took my _wife's_ fancy +very much. It was a representation in marble of a 'en and chickens, all +so natural, and with every individual feather on the birds done to such +a nicety----! + +MR. MILB. I was hardly referring to the skill with which the Italians +carve--ah--_poultry_. + +MR. L.-B. Ridic'lous! Great mishtake to talk without unnershtanding +shubject. (_The FIRST COMMERCIAL retires from the room in disorder._) +One thing I should like to ashk is thish. Why are sculptors at present +day so inferior to the antique? Ishn't the human form divine ash noble +and ash shymmetrical ash formerly? Why can't they _reproduce_ it then? + +MR. MILB. You must first find your sculptor. Providence doesn't see fit +to create a Michael Angelo or a Praxiteles every five minutes, any more +than a Shakspeare. + +MR. L.-B. (_wavering between piety and epigram_). Thank the Lord for +_that_! Now there'sh Florensh. Shome of us who have had the _run_ +there--well, there you see all the original thingsh--all the +_originalsh_. And yet, if you'll believe me (_dreamily_), with all my +love and charm for Art, gimme the Capitoline Venush living and breathing +in _flesh and blood_, Sir, not in cold lifelesh marble! + +MR. MILB. That of course is a matter of taste. But we are talking about +Art, not women. + +MR. L.-B. (_profoundly_). Unforsh'nately, women are the _shubjects_ of +Art. You've got to find out your client's shtyle of Art firsht, and then +carry it out in the besht possible manner. + +MR. MILB. (_rising, and knocking his pipe out_). Have I? But I'm going +to bed now, so you'll excuse me. + +MR. L.-B. (_detaining him_). But look here again. Take the Louvre. (_As +MR. MILBOARD disclaims any desire to take it._) Now, nobody talksh about +the Gallery _there_, and yet, if you only egshemp the thingsh that are +rude and vulgar, and go quietly roun'---- + +SECOND COMMERCIAL (_who sees a Socratic opening at last_). Might I ask +you, Sir, to enumerate any pictures there, that, in your opinion, are +"rude and vulgar"? + + [_MR. MILBOARD avails himself of this diversion to escape._ + +MR. L.-B. In the Grand Gallery of the Louvre there'sh an enormous amount +of shtuff, as everybody who'sh an artisht and a lover of Art knowsh. If +I had a friend who wash thinking of going to the Louvre (_here he looks +round vaguely for MR. MILBOARD_), I should shay to him, "Do you _care_ +about pictursh at all? If you _don't_, don't borrer yourshelf 'bout it. +If you _do_, drop in shome day with Me, and I'll give you a hint what +to shee." (_As he cannot make out what has become of MR. MILBOARD, he +has to content himself with the SECOND COMMERCIAL._) If you were _my_ +boy, I should shay to you---- + +SECOND COMM. (_at the door_). Pardon me for remarking that, if I was +your boy, I should probably prefer to take my own opinion. (_With +dignified independence._) I never follow other persons' taste in Art! + + [_He goes out as the Smoke-room Page enters._ + +MR. L.-B. (_hazily with half-closed eyes_). If you wash _my_ boy, I +should shay to you, very quietly, very sherioushly, and without +'tempting to dictate----(_Perceives that he is addressing the Page._) +Jus' bring me 'nother glash whiskey an' warrer. + + [_He is left sitting._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE OLD LOVE AND THE NEW. + +A CONTRAST. + + +_The Stables at Saddlesprings, the Wheelers' Country House near +Bykersall. MISS DIANA'S Horse BAYARD discovered in his Stall._ + +BAYARD (_talking to himself, as is the habit of some horses when +alone_). I can't make it out. She's here. All the family came down +yesterday--I heard the omnibus start for the station to meet them. And +yet she hasn't sent for me; hasn't even been near me! She always used to +rush in here and kiss me on the nose the very first--She's ill--that's +it of course--sprained her fetlock or something. If she was well, she'd +have had me saddled as soon as she'd had her morning feed, and we'd have +gone for a canter together somewhere.... I hope she'll get well soon. +I'm sick of being taken out by the stable-man; he's so dull--no notion +of conversation beyond whistling! Now, Miss Diana would talk to me the +whole way.... Perhaps her hands and seat might have been----But what did +_that_ matter? I liked to feel she was on my back, I liked the sound of +her pretty voice, and the touch of her hand when she patted me after her +ride.... (_He pricks his ears._) Why, that's her voice outside now! +She's all right, after all. She's coming in to see me!... I _knew_ she +couldn't have forgotten! + +MISS DIANA'S VOICE (_outside_). Yes, you might put it in here for the +present, Stubbs. I suppose it will be quite safe? + +STUBBS' VOICE. Safe enough, Miss, there's plenty o' empty stalls this +side. Nothing _in_ 'ere just now, except---- + +MISS D.'S VOICE. Very well, then. Just wipe some of the dust off the +mud-guards, because I shall want it again after lunch. And mind you +don't scratch the enamel taking it in. + +STUBBS. Very good, Miss. I'll be keerful. + + [_MISS DIANA'S steps die away upon the cobbles._ + +BAYARD (_to himself_). She's gone--without even asking after me! What +has she been out in--a bath chair? I'm sure she _must_ be ill. + +STUBBS (_to the Bicycle, as he wheels it in_). 'Ere, steady now, 'old +up, can't ye? And keep that blarsted near pedal o' yourn off o' _my_ +enamel. Blest if I wouldn't rather rub down arf a dozen 'unters nor one +o' them yere bloomin' bi-cycles. I know where I _am_ with a 'orse; but +these 'ere little, twisty, spidery wheels----Come _over_, will ye. I'll +lean ye up agen 'ere till I've 'ad my dinner. + +[Illustration: "It must be a sort of animal, I suppose."] + + [_He places the machine against a partition next to BAYARD'S + stall, and goes out._ + +BAYARD (_to himself, as he inspects his neighbour with the corner of his +eye_). It's _not_ a bath-chair; it's one of these bicycles. It must be a +sort of animal, I suppose, or Stubbs wouldn't have spoken to it. I +should like to ask it one or two questions. (_He gets his neck over the +partition, and breathes gently through his nostrils upon the +handle-bars._) Excuse me, but do you understand horse-language at all? + +The BICYCLE (_answering by a succession of saddle-creaks_). Perfectly. +I'm a kind of horse myself, I believe, only greatly _improved_, of +course. _Would_ you mind not breathing on my handle-bars like that? It +tarnishes the plating so. The saddle is the seat of _my_ intelligence, +if you will kindly address your remarks here. + +BAYARD. I beg your pardon. I will in future. I don't creak myself, but +I've been closely connected with saddles ever since I was a +two-year-old, so I can follow you fairly well. Didn't I hear my +mistress's voice outside just now? + +The BICYCLE. No; _my_ mistress's, Miss Diana's. I'd just taken her out +for a short spin--not far, only fifteen miles or so. + +BAYARD. Then, she--she's quite well? + +The BICYCLE. Thanks, she's pedalling pretty strong just now. I'm going +out with her again this afternoon. + +BAYARD. Again! You will have had a hard day of it altogether, then. But +I suppose you'll get a day or two's rest afterwards? I know _I_ should +want it. + +The BICYCLE. Bless you, _I_ never want rest. Why, I've been forty miles +with her, and come home without clanking a link! _She_ was knocked up, +if you like--couldn't go out for days! + +BAYARD. Ah, she was never knocked up after riding _me_! + +The BICYCLE. Because--it's no fault of yours, of course, but the way +you've been constructed--you couldn't go far enough to knock _anybody_ +up. And she doesn't get tired now, either. I'm not the kind of bicycle +to boast; but I've often heard her say that she much prefers her "bike" +(she always calls me her "bike"--very nice and friendly of her, isn't +it?) to any mere _horse_. + +BAYARD. To any mere horse! And does she--give any reasons? + +The BICYCLE. Lots. For one thing, she says she feels so absolutely safe +on me; she knows that, whatever she meets, I shall never start, or shy, +or rear, or anything of that sort. + +BAYARD. I don't remember playing any of those tricks with her, however +hard she pulled the curb. + +The BICYCLE. Then she says she never has to consider whether any +distance will be too much for me. + +BAYARD. As for _that_----But the longer I was out with her, the better I +was pleased; she might have brought me home as lame as a tree all round, +and _I_ shouldn't have cared! + +The BICYCLE. Perhaps not. But _she_ would; so inconvenient, you see. Now +_my_ strong point is, I _can't_ go lame--in good hands, of course, and +she knows exactly how to manage me, I will say that for her! + +BAYARD. Does she give you carrots or sugar after a ride? she did _me_. + +THE BICYCLE (_with a creak of contempt_). Now what _do_ you suppose I +could do with sugar or a carrot if I had it? No, a drop or two of oil +now and then is all I take in the way of sustenance. That's _another_ +point in my favour, I cost little or nothing to keep. Now, your oats and +hay and stuff, I daresay, cost more in a year than I'm worth altogether! + +BAYARD.. I must admit that you have the advantage of me in cheapness. If +I thought she grudged me my oats----But I'm afraid I couldn't manage on +a drop or two of oil. + +The BICYCLE. You'd want buckets of it to oil _your_ bearings. No, she +wouldn't save by that! (_STUBBS re-enters._) Ah, here comes my man. I +must be going; got to take her over to Pineborough, rather a bore this +dusty weather, but when a lady's in the case, eh? + +BAYARD. There's a nasty hill going into Pineborough; do be careful how +you take her down it! + +The BICYCLE. You forget, my friend, I'm not a Boneshaker, I'm a Safety. +Why, she'll just put her feet up on the rests, fold her arms, and leave +the rest to me. She knows _I_ can be trusted. + +BAYARD. Just tell me this before you go. Does--she doesn't pat you, or +kiss you on your--er--handle-bar after a run, does she? + +The BICYCLE (_turning its front wheel to reply, as STUBBS wheels it +out_). You don't imagine I should stand any sentimental rot of that +sort, do you? She knows better than to try it on! + +BAYARD (_to himself_). I'm glad she doesn't kiss it. I don't think I +_could_ have stood that! + + +_Same Scene. Some Hours Later._ + +STUBBS (_enters, carrying a dilapidated machine with crumpled handles, a +twisted saddle, and a front wheel distorted into an irregular pentagon_). +Well, I 'ope as 'ow this'll sarve as a lesson to 'er, I dew; a marcy she +ain't broke her blessed little neck! (_To the Bicycle._) No need to be +hover and above purtickler 'bout scratchin' your enamel _now_, any'ow! +(_He pitches it into a corner, and goes._) + +BAYARD (_after reconnoitring_). You don't mean to say it's _you_! + +The BICYCLE. Me? of course it's me! A nice mess I'm in, too, entirely +owing to her carelessness. Never put the brake on down that infernal +hill, lost all control over me, and here I am, a wreck, Sir! Why, I had +to be driven home, by a grinning groom, in a beastly dog-cart! Pleasant +that! + +BAYARD. But she--Miss Diana--was she hurt? Not--not _seriously_, eh? + +The BICYCLE. Oh, of course you don't care what becomes of _me_ so long +as----_She's_ all right enough--fell in a ditch, luckily for her, _I_ +came down on a heap of stones. It'll be weeks before I'm out of the +repairer's hands. + +BAYARD (_to himself_). I _oughtn't_ to be glad; but I am--I _am_! She's +safe, and--and she'll come back to me after this! (_To the Bicycle._) +Wasn't she sorry for you? + +The BICYCLE. Not she! These women have no feeling in them. Why, what do +you suppose she said when they told me it would take weeks to tinker me +up? + +BAYARD (_to himself--with joy_). I think I can guess! (_To the +Bicycle._) What _did_ she say? + +The BICYCLE (_rattling with indignation_). Why, all _she_ said was: "How +tiresome! I wonder if I can hire a decent bike here without having to +send to town for one." There's gratitude for you! But _you_ can't enter +into my feelings about it. + +BAYARD. Pardon me--I fancy I can. And, after all, your day will come, +when the Vet has set you up again. _Mine's_ over for ever. (_To +himself._) Oh, why, _why_ wasn't I born a bicycle! + + + + +[Illustration] + + +A DOLL'S DIARY. + + +_January 1._--Just had a brilliant idea--_quite_ original. I don't +believe even any human person ever _thought_ of such a thing, but +then,--besides being extremely beautiful and expensive, with refined wax +features and golden hair--I am a very clever doll indeed. Frivolous, no +doubt; heartless, so they tell me--but the very reverse of a _fool_. I +flatter myself that if _anybody_ understands the nature of toys, +especially _male_ toys--but I am forgetting my idea--which is this. I am +going this year to write down--the little girl I belong to has no idea I +can write, but I _can_--and better than _she_ does, too!--to write down +every event of importance that happens, _with the dates_. There! I fancy +_that_ is original enough. It will be a valuable dollian document when +it is done, and _most_ interesting to look back upon. Now I must wait +for something to happen. + +_January 6._--Went to Small Dance given by the Only Other Wax Doll (a +dreadful old frump!) on the Nursery Hearthrug. Room rather nicely +illuminated by coloured fire from grate, and a pyramid nightlight, but +floor poor. Didn't think much of the music--a fur monkey at the +Digitorium, and a woolly lamb who brought his own bellows, make _rather_ +a feeble orchestra. Still, on the whole, enjoyed myself. Much admired. +Several young Ninepins, who are considered stuck-up, and keep a good +deal to their own set, begged to be introduced. Sat out one dance with a +Dice-box, who rattled away most amusingly. I understand he is quite an +authority on games, and anything that falls from his mouth is received +with respect. He is a great sporting character, too, and arranges all +the meetings on the Nursery Race-course, besides being much interested +in Backgammon. I _do_ like a Toy to have _manly_ tastes! + +The Captain of a Wooden Marching Regiment quartered in the neighbourhood +was there in full uniform, but not dancing. Told me they _didn't_ in his +regiment. As his legs are made in one piece and glued on to a yellow +stand, inclined to think this was not mere military swagger. He seemed +considerably struck with me. Made an impression, too, on a rather +elderly India-rubber Ball. Snubbed him, as one of the Ninepins told me +he was considered "a bit of a bounder." + +Some of the Composition Dolls, I could see, were perfectly _stiff_ with +spite and envy. Spent a very pleasant evening, not getting back to my +drawer till daylight. Too tired to write more. + +_Mem._--Not to sit out behind the coal-scuttle another time! + +_February 14._--Amount of attention I receive really quite embarrassing. +The Ninepins are too _absurdly_ devoted. One of them (the nicest of all) +told me to-day he had never been so completely bowled over in his whole +existence! I manage to play them off against each other, however. The +India-rubber Ball, too, is at my feet--and, naturally, I spurn him, but +he is so short-winded that nothing will induce him to rise. Though +naturally of an elastic temperament, he has been a good deal cast down +of late. I smile on him occasionally--just to keep the Ball rolling; but +it is becoming a frightful bore. + +_March._--Have been presented with a charming pony-carriage, with two +piebald ponies that go by clock work. I wish, though, I was not expected +to share it with a _live kitten_! The kitten has no idea of repose, and +spoils the effect of the turn-out. Try not to seem aware of it--even +when it claws my frock. Rather interested in a young Skipjack, whom I +see occasionally; he is quite good-looking, in a common sort of way. I +talk to him now and then--it is something to do; and he is a new type, +so different from the Ninepins! + +_April 1._--Have just heard the Skipjack is engaged to a plaster +Dairy-maid. A little annoyed, because he really seemed----Have been to +see his _fiancée_, a common-place creature, with red cheeks, and a thick +waist. Congratulate the Skipjack, with just a _hint_ that he might have +looked higher. Afraid that he misunderstood me, for he absolutely +jumped. + +_April 7._--The Skipjack tells me he has _broken off his engagement_; he +seems to think I shall guess the reason--but I don't, of _course_. Then +he actually has the impertinence to (I can scarcely pen the words for +indignation) to _propose_--to Me! I inform him, in the most +_unmistakable_ terms, that he has presumed on my good-nature, and that +there are social barriers between us, which no Skipjack can ever +surmount. He leaves me abruptly, after declaring that I have broken the +spring of his existence. + +_April 8._--Much shocked and annoyed. The Skipjack found quite stiff and +colourless this morning, in the water-jug! Must have jumped in last +night. So _very_ rash and silly of him! Am sure I gave him no +encouragement--or _next_ to none. Hear that the Dairy-maid has gone off +her head. Of course it will be put down to _grief_; but we all know how +easily plaster heads get cracked. Feel really distressed about it all, +for the blame is sure to fall on _me_. Those Composition Dolls will make +a fine scandal out of it! + +_May._--The Ninepins are getting very difficult to manage; have to put +them down as delicately as possible; but I am afraid, poor fellows, they +are dreadfully upset. The Wooden Captain has challenged the Dice-box to +a duel--I fear, on _my_ account. However, as the officer's sword will +not unglue, I _hope_ nothing will come of it. All this _most_ worrying, +though, and gives me little _real_ satisfaction. I find myself sighing +for more _difficult_ conquests. + +_June._--Went to afternoon tea with the biggest Dutch Doll. Rather a +come-down, but now that there is this coolness between the Composition +set and myself, I must go _somewhere_. I feel _so_ bored at times! Can +see the ridiculous Dutch thing is trying to _out-dress_ me! She had a +frock on that _must_ have cost at _least_ fifty beads, and I don't +believe it will _ever_ be paid for! Only made her look the bigger _guy,_ +though! Tea-party a stupid affair. Make-believe tea in pewter cups. Met +the latest arrival, a really nice-looking Gentleman Doll, introduced as +"Mr. Joseph." Very innocent face, without any moustache, and the +sweetest blue eyes (except mine) I think I _ever_ saw! Seemed rather +shy, but pleasant. Asked him to call. + +_June 18._--Mr. Joseph has not called _yet_. Very strange! Suspect those +horrid Composition Dolls have been setting him against me. Met him by +the back-board and scolded him. He seemed confused. By a little +management, I got it all out of him. I was right. He _has_ been told +about the Skipjack. He has strict principles, and gave me to understand +that he would prefer to decline my acquaintance--which was _like his +impudence_! This is exciting, though. I intend to overcome these +scruples; I mean him to be madly in love with me--then I shall +scornfully reject him, which will serve him just _right_! + +_July._--My tactics have succeeded--_at last_! To-day Joseph called, +_ostensibly_ to beg me to go and see the unhappy Ball, who, it seems, is +terribly collapsed, reduced to a _mere bowl_, and so exhausted that he +cannot hold out much longer. However, in the course of the interview, I +soon made him oblivious of the Ball. He fell at my feet. "Beautiful +Gloriana," he cried, "with all your many and glaring faults, I love +you!" Then I carried out the _rest_ of my programme--it was a painful +scene, and I will only record that when he left me, he was completely +_un-dolled_! I feel almost sorry for him--he had rather a nice face! + +[Illustration: "I see _him_ standing, on the very brink of the +precipice."] + +_July 4._--I don't seem able to settle to anything. After all, I think I +will go and see the poor Ball. It would comfort him, and I might see +_him_ there. I will order the pony-carriage. + + * * * * * + +_August._--What has happened to me? Where have I been all this time? Let +me collect myself, and see how much I remember. My last clear +recollection is of being in my carriage on my way to receive the +departing Ball's last sigh.... Something has started the clockwork. My +ponies are bolting, and I haven't the _slightest_ control over them! We +are rushing along the smooth plain of the chest of drawers, and rapidly +nearing the edge. I try to scream for help, but all I can utter is, +"Papa!" and "Mamma!" All at once I see _him_ standing, calm and +collected, on the very brink of the precipice. Is he strong enough to +stop the ponies in their mad clockwork career, and save me, _even yet_? +_How_ I will love him if he does! An instant of sickening suspense ... +we are _over_!--falling down, down, down.... A crash, a whirr of +clockwork, a rush of bran to my head--and I know no more. What follows +is a dream--a horrible, confused nightmare--of lying among a heap of +limp bodies--some armless, some legless, others (ah! the horror of it) +_headless_! I grope blindly for my own limbs--they are intact; then I +feel the place where I naturally expect to find my head--it is +_gone_!... The shock is too much--I faint once more. And that is all. + +Thank goodness, it was only a dream--for here I am, in the same old +nursery again! Not _all_ a dream, either--or my pony-carriage would +scarcely present such a damaged appearance. The _accident_ was real. +Then what--_what_ has become of Joseph? I _must_ find him--I must make +him understand that I repent--that, for the future, I intend to be a +changed doll! + +_September._--Still searching for Joseph. No trace of him. I seem to be +a changed doll in more ways than one. My former set knows me not. The +Ninepins do not stagger when I smile at them now; the Dice-box gapes +open-mouthed at my greeting. I call upon the Composition Dolls--they are +very polite; but it is quite clear that they don't remember me in the +least! Alas! how soon one is forgotten in the world of Toys! Have no +heart to recall myself to them. I go, for the first time since my +accident, to a convenient brass knob, in which I would once gaze at my +reflected features by the hour. How indescribable are my sensations at +the discovery that I have a _totally new head_--a china one! I, who used +to look down on china dolls! It is a very decent head, in its way; quite +neat and inoffensive, with smooth, shiny hair, which won't come down +like the golden locks I _once_ had. I am glad--yes, _glad_ now--that +Joseph has gone, and the home he used to occupy is deserted, and shut +up. If he were here, _he_ would not know me either. Now I can live +single all my remaining days, in memory of him, and devote myself to +doing good! + +_October._--Have entered on my new career. Am organising a Mission for +Lost Toys, and a Clothing Club for Rag Dolls. To-day, while "slumming" +in the lumber-closet, found my old acquaintance, the Dutch Doll in a +_shocking_ state of destitution--nothing on her but a piece of _tattered +tissue-paper_! To think that my evil example and her own _senseless +extravagance_ have brought her to _this_! Gave her one of my old +tea-gowns and a Sunday domino, but did not reveal myself. Feeling very +sad and lonely: think I shall have to keep a mouse--I must have +_something_ to love me! + +_October 15._--Someone has taken poor dear Joseph's old house. I see a +new doll, with a small but worldly black moustache and a very bad +countenance, watching me as I pass the windows. Shall call and leave a +scripture brick. It may do him good. + +_October 16._--Have called.... _Never_ heard worse language from the +lips of _any_ doll! Came across my old admirer, the Ball, who is better, +though still what I have heard the nursery governess describe as an +"_oblate spheroid_." Of course, he did not recognise me. + +_December._--Have seen a good deal of the Doll with the worldly +moustache lately. From certain symptoms, do not despair of reforming +him--ultimately. He seems softening. Yesterday he told me he did not +think he should live long. Yet he has a splendid constitution--the best +porcelain. He is dreadfully cynical--seems so reckless about everything. +If I could only reclaim him--for Joseph's sake! + +This afternoon I saw the yellow stand which the Wooden Captain used to +occupy. What memories it recalled, ah me! Can he have disgraced himself +and been "broke"? And am _I_ responsible? + +_Christmas Eve._--Am sitting in my corner, my mouse curled comfortably +at my feet, when the Walking Postman comes up with a letter--for _me_! +It is from the Wicked Doll! He is very ill--_dying_, he thinks--and +wishes to see me. How well I remember that _other_ message which +Joseph--but Joseph is taken, and the Ball still bounds! Well, I will go. +It will be something to tell my Diary. + + * * * * * + +_Christmas Day._--Something _indeed_! How shall I begin my wondrous +_incredible_ tale? I reached the Doll's House, which looked gloomier and +more deserted than ever, with the sullen glow of the dying fire +reflected redly in its windows. The green door stood open--I went in. +"Ha, ha! _trapped_!" cried a sneering voice behind me. It was the Wicked +Doll! His letter was a _ruse_--he was as well as I was--and I--I was +shut up there in that lonely house, entirely at his mercy!... It was a +frightful position for any doll to be placed in; and yet, looking back +on it now, I don't think I minded it so _very_ much. + +"Listen!" he said, in response to my agonized entreaties. "Long, long +ago, when I was young and innocent, a beautiful but heartless being +bewitched me, kid and bran! I told my love--she mocked at me. Since then +I have sworn, though she has escaped me, to avenge myself by sacrificing +the life of the first doll I could entice into my power. _You_ are that +doll. You must die!"... "I am quite prepared," I told him--"do your +worst!" which seemed to confuse him very much. "I will," he said, +"presently--presently; there is no hurry. You see," he explained, in a +tone almost of apology, "in endeavouring to save her life (it was my +last good action) I got my head smashed, and received the substitute I +now wear, which, as you will observe, is that of an unmitigated villain. +And it's no use having a head like that if you don't live _up_ to +it--_is_ it, now? So--as I think I observed before--prepare for the +worst!" "Don't talk about it any more--_do_ it!" I said, and I breathed +Joseph's name softly. But the Wicked Doll did nothing at all. I began to +feel safer--it was so obvious that he hadn't the faintest notion _what_ +to do. "She treated me abominably," he said feebly; "_any_ doll would +have been annoyed at the heartless way in which Gloriana----" + +I could contain my feelings no longer. + +"Joseph!" I gasped (I had lost all fear of him), "you ridiculous old +goose, don't you _know_ me? _I_ am Gloriana, and I have found you at +last!" And with that I flung myself into his arms, and told him +everything. I think he was more relieved than anything. "So _you_ are +Gloriana!" he said. "It's dreadfully bewildering; but, to tell you the +honest truth, I can't keep up this villainy business any longer. I +haven't been brought up to it, and I don't understand how it's done. So +I tell you what we'll do. If you'll leave off living up to _your_ new +head, I won't try to live up to _mine_!" And so we settled it. + +_Postscript. December 31._--We are to be married to-morrow. The Dutch +Doll is to be my bridesmaid, and the Wooden Captain (who was only away +on sick leave, after all) is coming up to be best man. I have seen the +poor old Ball, and told him there will always be a corner for him in our +new home. I am very, _very_ happy. To think that Joseph should still +care for his poor Gloriana, altered and homely as her once lovely +features have now become! But Joseph (who is leaning over my shoulder +and reading every word I write) stops me here to assure me that I am +lovelier than ever in _his_ eyes. And really--I don't know--perhaps I +_am_. And in _other_ persons' eyes, too, if it comes to that. I +certainly don't intend to give up society just because I happen to be +_married_! + + + + +[Illustration] + + +ELEVATING THE MASSES. + +(A PURELY IMAGINARY SKETCH.) + + +_ARGUMENT--MRS. FLITTERMOUSE, having got up a party to assist her in +giving an Entertainment at the East End, has called a meeting for the +purpose of settling the items in the programme._ + +_MRS. FLITTERMOUSE'S Drawing-room in Park Lane. Everybody discovered +drinking tea, and chatting on matters totally unconnected with +Philanthropy._ + +MRS. FLITTERMOUSE (_imploringly_). Now, _please_, everybody, _do_ +attend! It's quite impossible to settle anything while you're all +talking about something else. (_Apologies, protests, constrained +silence._) Selina, dear, what do you think it would be best to begin +with? + +The DOWAGER LADY DAMPIER. My dear Fritilla, I have no suggestion to +offer. You know my opinion about the whole thing. The people don't want +to be elevated, and--if they did--entertaining them is not the proper +means to set about it. But I don't wish to discourage you. + +MRS. FLITT. Oh, but I think we could do so _much_ to give them a taste +for more rational and refined amusements, poor things, to wean them from +the coarse pleasures which are all they have at present. Only we must +really decide what each of us is going to do. + +MRS. PERSE-WEAVER. A violin solo is always popular. And my daughter +Cecilia will be delighted to play for you. She has been taught by the +best---- + +CECELIA. Oh, Mother, I couldn't, really! I've never played in public. I +_know_ I should break down! + +LADY DAMP. In that case, my dear, it would be certainly unwise on your +part to attempt it. + +MRS. P.-W. Nonsense, Cecilia, nonsense. You _won't_ break down, and it +wouldn't matter in the least if you did. _They_ wouldn't notice +anything. And it will be such excellent practice for you to get +accustomed to a platform, too. Of _course_ she will play for you, dear +Mrs. Flittermouse! + +MRS. FLITT. It will be _so_ good of you, Miss Weaver. And it won't be +like playing to a _real_ audience, you know--poor people are so easily +pleased, poor dears. Then I will put that down to begin with. (_She +makes a note._) Now we must have something quite different for the +next--a reading or something. + +LADY HONOR HYNDLEGGS. A--nothin' _humorous_, I hope. I do think we ought +to avoid anythin' like descendin' to their level, don't you know. + +MR. LOVEGROOVE. Might try something out of _Pickwick_. "_Bob Sawyer's +Party_," you know. Can't go far wrong with anything out of Dickens. + +MISS DIOVA ROSE. Can't endure him myself. All his characters are so +fearfully common; still--(_tolerantly_) I daresay it might +amuse--a--that class of persons. + +MRS FLITT. I must say I agree with Lady Honor. We should try and aim as +high as possible--and well, I think _not_ Dickens, dear Mr. Lovegroove. +_Tennyson_ might do perhaps; he's written some charmin' pieces. + +MR. LOVEGR. Well, fact is, I don't go in for poetry much myself. But +I'll read anythin' of his you think I'm equal to. + +MRS. FLITT. Why--a--really, it's so long since I--and I'm afraid I +haven't one of his poems in the house. I suppose they are down at +Barn-end. But I could send to Cutt and Hawthorn's. I daresay _they_ +would have a copy somewhere. + +MISS SIBSON-GABLER. Surely Tennyson is rather--a--retrograde? Why not +read them something to set them _thinking_? It would be an interesting +experiment to try the effect of that marvellous Last Scene in the +_Doll's House_. I'd love to read it. It would be like a breath of fresh +air to them! + +MRS. P.-W. Oh, I've seen that at the Langham Hall. You remember, +Cecilia, my taking you there? And Corney Grain played _Noah_. To be +sure--we were _quite_ amused by it all. + +MISS S.-G. (_coldly_). This is _not_ amusing--it's a play of Ibsen's. + +MRS. FLITT. Is that the man who wrote the piece at the Criterion--what +is it, _The Toy Shop_? Wyndham acted in it. + +LADY DAMP. No, no; IBSEN is the person there's been all this fuss about +in the papers--he goes in for unconventionality and all that. I may be +wrong, but I think it is _such_ a mistake to have anything +unconventional in an entertainment for the people. + +MRS. FLITT. But if he's being _talked_ about, dear Lady Dampier, people +might like to know something about him. But perhaps we'd better leave +Ibsen open, then. Now, what shall we have next? + +MISS SKIPWORTH. I tell you what would fetch them--a skirt-dance. I'll +dance for you--like a shot. It would be no end of fun doin' it on a +regular platform, and I've been studyin' Flossie Frillington, at the +Inanity, till I've caught her style exactly. + +[Illustration: "To-night is ours!"] + +MR. KEMPTON. Oh, I say, you can give her a stone and a beatin' any day, +give you my word you can. She doesn't put anythin' like the go into it +you do. + + [_MISS S. accepts this tribute with complacency._ + +MRS. FLITT. A skirt-dance will be the very thing. It's sure to please +the people we shall bring over for it--and of course they'll be in the +front rows. Yes, I must put _that_ down. We ought to have a song next. +Mrs. Tuberose, you promised to come and sing for us--you will, won't +you? + +MRS. TUBEROSE. Delighted! I rather thought of doing a dear little song +Stephan Otis has just brought out. It's called "_Forbidden Fruit_," and +he wrote it expressly for me. It goes like this. + + [_She sits down at the piano, and sings, with infinite + expression and tenderness._ + + "Only the moon espies our bliss, + Through the conscious clusters of clematis, + Shedding star-sweet showers. + To-morrow the world will have gone amiss-- + Now I gaze in your eyes, love, I thrill to your kiss-- + So let us remember naught but this: + That To-night is ours! + Yes, this passionate, perilous, exquisite night-- + Is Ours!" + +SEVERAL VOICES. Charmin'.... Otis puts so much real feeling into all his +songs ... quite a little gem! &c., &c. + +LADY DAMP. I should have thought myself that it was rather advanced--for +an East-End audience-- + +MRS. TUBEROSE (_nettled_). Really, dear Lady Dampier, if people see +nothing to object in it _here_, I don't see why they should be more +particular at the East-End! + +MRS. FLITT. Oh, no,--and as if it matters what the _words_ are in the +song. I daresay if one heard _their_ songs----Now we want another +song--something as different as possible. + +MR. GARDINIER. Heard a capital song at the "Pav." the other +night--something about a Cock-eyed Kipper. Just suit my voice. I could +easily get the words and music, and do that for you--if you like. + +SEVERAL VOICES. A Cock-eyed Kipper! It sounds too killing! Oh, we _must_ +have that! + +LADY DAMP. Might I ask what kind of creature a--a "Cock-eyed Kipper" may +be? + +MR. GARD. Oh, well, I suppose it's a sort of a dried herring--with a +squint, don't you know. + +LADY DAMP. I see no humour in making light of a personal deformity, I +must say. + +MR. GARD. Oh, don't you? _They_ will--it'll go with a scream there! + +MISS DIOVA ROSE. Yes, poor dears--and we mustn't mind being just a +little vulgar for once--to cheer them up. + +LADY HONOR. I have been to the Pavilion and the Tivoli myself, and I +heard nothing to object to. I know I was much more amused than I ever am +at theatres--_they_ bore me to death. + +MR. BAGOTRIX. We might finish up with _Mrs. Jarley's Waxworks_, you +know. Some of you can be the figures, and I'll come on in a bonnet and +shawl as _Mrs. Jarley_, and wind you up and describe you. I've done it +at lots of places in the country; brought in personal allusions and all +that sort of thing, and made everybody roar. + +LADY DAMP. But will the East-Enders understand your personal allusions? + +MR. BAG. Well, you see, the people in the front rows will, which is all +_I_ want. + +LADY HONOR (_suspiciously_). Isn't _Mrs. Jarley_ out of _Pickwick_, +though? That's Dickens, surely! + +MR. BAG. (_reassuringly_). Nothing but the name, Lady Honor. I make up +all the patter myself, so that'll be all right--just good-natured chaff, +you know; if anybody's offended--as I've known them to be--it's no fault +of mine. + +MRS. FLITT. Oh, I'm sure you will make it funny,--and about getting +someone to preside--I suppose we ought to ask the Vicar of the nearest +church? + +LADY HONOR. Wouldn't it be better to get somebody--a--more in Society, +don't you know? + +MRS. FLITT. And he might offer to pay for hiring the Hall, and the other +expenses. I never thought of that. I'll see whom I can get. Really I +think it ought to be great fun, and we shall have the satisfaction of +feeling we are doing real good, which is such a comfort! + + + + +[Illustration] + + +BOOKMAKERS ON THE BEACH. + +A SKETCH AT A SEA-SIDE RACE MEETING. + + +_The Sands at Baymouth, where some pony and horse races are being run. +By the Grand Stand, and under the wall of the esplanade, about a dozen +bookmakers, perched on old packing-cases, are clamouring with their +customary energy. The public, however, for some reason seems unusually +deaf to their blandishments and disinclined for speculation, and the +bookmakers, after shouting themselves hoarse with little or no result, +are beginning to feel discouraged._ + +BOOKMAKERS (_antiphonally_). Evens on the field! Three to one bar one! +Five to one bar two! Six to one bar one! Even money _Beeswing_! Six to +one _Popgun_! Come on 'ere. Two to one on the field! What do you want to +_do_? + + [_The public apparently want to look another way._ + +FIRST BOOKMAKER (_to SECOND BOOKMAKER_). Not much 'ere to-day! Shawn't +get no roast baked and biled this journey, eh? + +SECOND B. (_with deep disgust_). They ain't _got_ no money! Baymouth's +going down. Why, this might be a bloomin' Sunday-school treat! Blest if +I believe they know what we're 'ere _for_! + +THIRD B. (_after pausing to refresh himself, sardonically to FOURTH +BOOKMAKER_). De-lightful weather, William! + +WILLIAM (_in a similar tone of irony_). What a glorious day, Percy! Sech +a treat to see all the people enjoyin' theirselves without any o' the +silly speculation yer _do_ find sometimes on occasions like this! (_He +accepts the bottle his friend passes, and drinks._) 'Ere's better luck +to all! + +FIFTH B. (_pathetically_). Don't leave your little Freddy out! (_They +don't leave their little FREDDY out._) Cheer up, William, there's +'appier days in store; there'll be Jersey comin' soon. We'll be orf to +the sunny south! (_To a stranger who comes up to him._) Why, Uncle, you +don't say it's you! How _well_ you're looking! Shake 'ands and 'ave a +bit on, jest for ole sake's sake! (_The stranger proceeds to introduce +himself as the Secretary, and to demand a fee._) What! pay you five +shillins for standin' 'ere wastin' my time and voice like this? Not me! +Why, I ain't took two blessed sorcepans since I bin 'ere! (_The +Secretary remains firm._) I won't do it, my boy. Not on _prinserple_, I +won't. I wouldn't give you five shillins not if your tongue was 'anging +down on to your boots--so there! (_The Secretary does not attempt so +violent an appeal to his better nature, but calls a police-inspector._) +'Ere, I'd sooner git down and chuck the show altogether; jest to mark my +contempt for such goings on! (_He descends from his box; takes down his +sign, unscrews his pole, folds up his professional triptych, and departs +in a state of virtuous indignation only to be expressed by extreme +profanity, while the Secretary proceeds unmoved to collect payments from +the others; who eventually compromise the claims for half-a-crown._) + +MR. SAM SATCHELL (_"from Southampton"_). Now then, you gentlemen and +aristocratic tradesmen, where _are_ you all? Don't any o' you know +_anything_? Come on 'ere. (_He stops an elderly rustic._) You've got a +fancy, I can see! (_The rustic denies the impeachment, grinning._) Git +along with yer, yer artful ole puss, then, and don't keep gentlemen away +as wants to bet! (_To a Yeomanry trooper._) Come along, my ole +soldier-boy, give it a name! (_His old soldier-boy declines to give it +any name, and passes on._) Call yerself a warrior bold, and afraid o' +riskin' 'alf-a-crown! Why, yer Queen and country orter be ashamed o' +yer! (_As a young farmer in riding-gaiters comes up, with the evident_ +_intention of business._) Ah, _you_ don't forget the old firm, I see.... +What, four to one not good enough for you? You won't get no better odds, +go where you _like_! I suppose you expeck me to make you a present o' +the money? (_The farmer moves on._) I dunno what's _come_ to 'em all. +_I_ never see nothing like it in all _my_ life! + + +_In the Grand Stand._ + +A GLIB PERSON, _in a tall hat_ (_as he picks his way up and down the +benches, the occupants of which treat him with intolerant +indifference_). I'm not a bookmaker, ladies and gentlemen; don't have +that impression of me for a moment! I'm simply an amateur, and an +independent gentleman o' means, like any of yourselves. You all know +more than _I_ do. I don't come 'ere with any intention o' winning your +money--far from it. I'm wishful to settle and live among you. I may +eventually put up as your member; and, if so, when I take my place in +Parliament I shall be in a position to testify that the Baymouth people +are extremely cautious as to the manner in which they invest their money +on 'orse-racing'! Yes, I'm 'ere on beyarf of the Sporting League, just +to prove how free a meeting like this is from the evils o' gambling. I +don't come 'ere to _rob_ yer. I want yer all to win. I like to see yer +bright and shining faces around me; I like the friverolity and +reckereation and the conviverality of the thing, that's all. I'll tell +yer how it is. I've a rich ole aunt, and she puts fifty pound into my +'ands, and sez, "Jacky," she sez, "I love those dear Baymouth people, +and I want you to take this 'ere money and lay it out among 'em in +moieties, and make 'em rich and 'appy." You can see for yourselves. I've +no tickets and no parryfernalia, excep' this little pocket-book, where I +enter any bets you honour me with. Come, Miss win a pair o' those +three-and-sixpenny gloves at Chickerell's, the ex-Mayor's, to oblige +_me_! Did I tread on your corn, Sir? I assure you it was the last thing +I intended.... "You knew I'd do it afore I'd done?"... Well, Sir, if +you've sech a gift o' seeing into futoority as that, why not make +something out of it now? Three to one bar one. _Kitty I'm_ barring. +Thank _you_, Sir; 'alf-a-crown to seven and six on _Sportsman_. I tell +you candidly--you've got the winner. The favourite won't win. Now, then, +all you others, where's your Baymouth pluck? I orfered you thirty to one +_Beeswing_ last race; and you wouldn't take it. And _Beeswing_ won, and +you lost the chance o' making yer fortunes. Don't blame _me_ if the +same thing 'appens again. I'm on'y bettin', as I told you, for my own +amusement, and to get rid o' the money! (_&c._, _&c._) + +MR. SAM SATCHELL (_whom the apathy of the public has apparently reduced +to a state of defiant buffoonery_). Even money _Daredevil_, you rascals! +And why the blazes don't ye take it? Come on. I'll take two little bits +o' twos that _Kitty_ don't win! Four to one against ole bread-and-butter +_Tommy_, over there in the corner! Eleven and a 'alf to three quarters +to two against _Kitty_. "What har the Wild Waves say-hay-ing?" Two +_Kitties_ to three _Daredevils_ against a bloomin' goat-chaise? On the +Baymouth Durby I'm bettin'! + + +_At the Close of the Last Race--Three horses have started; the favourite +has led to the turn and then bolted up the shingle, but, as the tide has +come in and almost covered the course, and the other two horses by +declining to face the water have let him in again, he wins after an +exciting finish, up to the girths in sea-water; and such bookmakers as +have succeeded in obtaining patronage are paying up with as much +cheerfulness as they can command._ + +FIRST BOOKMAKER (_to eager backer_). "Wait a bit, my boy, wait _a bit_, +the number hasn't gone up yet, my son. Where's your ticket--forty-two? +(_His Clerk refers to book._) That's _Squibbs_. I pay over +_winners_--not losers. (_To the public._) Come along and fetch your +money, the bullion's 'ere! (_To another backer._) What was +yours--threes? ("Fours _I_'ve got," _from his Clerk._) Why don't yer +arst for what you're entitled to, instead o' makin' me arst my clurk +what your bet was? There's your money--take it and go." + +[Illustration: "Why the blazes don't ye take it?"] + + [_The backer departs wealthier but abashed._ + +SECOND B. I'm payin' over that 'ard-run race, gentlemen, men and 'orses +exhorsted! I'm payin' over _Susan_--dear ole Susey-hanner! who wants +their money? The Bank o' England's 'ere, gentlemen, Mr. Frankie +Fairprice and his ole friend, who's always by his side and never looses +'im! + +THIRD B. (_who has had to borrow largely from his brethren to meet his +engagements_). Are you all done now? (_To the crowd._) Then I'll wish +yer good afternoon, thank ye all for yer comp'ny, but you've bin +bloomin' bad fun to-day, and you don't ketch me playin' Patience on a +monument at any more o' yer blanky sand 'oppin' 'andicaps, that's all! + + [_However, the local newspapers report next day that "A number + of the sporting fraternity were in attendance to do business + and apparently carried on a brisk and profitable trade"--which + only shows how difficult it is for the casual observer to form + an accurate opinion._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +'IGHER UP! + +(A SKETCH OUTSIDE AN OMNIBUS.) + + +_The Omnibus is on its progress from Piccadilly to the Bank; the weather +is raw and unpleasant, and the occupants of the garden-seats on the roof +of the vehicle are--for once in a way--mostly men._ + +FIRST PASSENGER (_to SECOND, an acquaintance_). I see young Bashaway the +other day. (_Significantly._) Jest been to see his father, so he told +me. + +SECOND PASSENGER (_with interest_). _'Ad_ he though? And 'ow did he +_find_ him? + +FIRST P. Fustrate, young JIM said; didn't know when he'd seen him +lookin' better--(_with sentiment_)--quite like his old self! + +SECOND P. (_heartily_). That _is_ good 'earin', that is! +(_Reflectively._) Seems _rum_, though, come to think of it. + +FIRST P. 'Ow d'yer _mean_--rum? It's no more than what yer'd expect, +bein' where he is. Look at the _air_ o' the place--there ain't a +'elthier situation all round London, to my mind! + +SECOND P. No, that's right enough; and, from all I 'ear, the food's well +cooked and served reg'lar, if it _is_ plain. + +FIRST P. Ah, and Bill _enjoys_ his meals now, he does--the work gives +him a appetite, and it's years, to my certain knowledge, since he done a +stroke, and o' course he ain't allowed no drink---- + +SECOND P. And _that's_ enough, of itself, to be the savin' of 'im, the +way he was! + +FIRST P. Then, yer see, there's the reg'lar hours, and the freedom from +worry, and the like, and nothink on his mind, and the place with every +sanitary improvement and that--why, he owns his own self it's bin the +makin' of 'im. And from what young Jim was a tellin' me, it appears that +if Bill goes on gittin' good-conduck marks at the rate he's doin', +there'll be a nice little sum doo to 'im when he's done his time at +Wormwood Scrubs. + +SECOND P. (_sympathetically_). Well, and that makes suthin' to look +forward to, don't it, when he _does_ git let out. Talkin' o' that, +you've known 'im longer 'n what I 'ave. Do you 'appen to know what it +was as he got inter trouble _for_? + +FIRST P. (_with the consciousness of superior delicacy_). Lor' bless +yer, I never thought o' arskin' 'im the question. + +SECOND P. (_with feeble self-assertion under this implied rebuke_). +Well, it all depends on 'ow yer _put_ a question o' that sort. + + [_He is silent for the remainder of the journey._ + +A CHATTY PASSENGER (_to a CONTRADICTIOUS PASSENGER, as the 'bus passes +Trafalgar Square_). Pretty these 'ere fountains look, with the water +playin', don't they? + +The CONTRADICIOUS PASSENGER. The fountings are well enough, if it wasn't +fur the water--norsty messy stuff, I call it. + +The CHATTY P. (_abandoning the fountains_). It's wonderful what an +amount o' traffic there is in the Strand, ain't it? + +CONTRAD. P. Nothink to what it was forty years ago! + + [_His neighbour, not feeling in a position to deny it, + subsides._ + +The DRIVER (_to a PASSENGER WITH A BADGE, immediately behind him_). 'Ow +is it you're orf yer keb to-day, Bob? Taking a day orf, or what? + +The PASSENGER WITH A BADGE. Not much. Goin' up to Bow Street to gimmy +evidence in a collision case--that's all. + +DRIVER (_dubiously_). Bow Street! Ain't that rorther shovin' yer 'ed in +the lion's mouth, eh? + +The P. WITH A B. (_with virtuous serenity_). Not _it_! What ha' they got +agen me all the time I bin licensed? Only three drunks and a loiter! + +The CHATTY P. (_returning to the charge_). Orful state the roads are in +with all this mud! I s'pose that's the London County Council, eh? + +The CONTRAD. P. London Kayounty Kayouncil! No, it ain't--nothink o' the +sort! I'll _tell_ yer 'oo it is, if yer want to know; it's Gladstone! + +The CHATTY P. (_mildly surprised, but glad to have discovered common +ground_). I see you're a Conservative--like myself. + +The CONTRAD. P. That's jest where you're _wrong_! I ain't no +Conservative, nor yet I don't want none o' Gladstone neither. I'm a +Radikil, _I_ am. John Burns and Ben Tillett--that's _my_ lot! + +The CHATTY P. (_reluctantly relinquishing politics_). Ah, well, every +man's got a right to form his own opinions, ain't he? + +The CONTRAD. P. No, he _ain't_--not if he goes and forms _wrong_ 'uns! +(_A pause._) 'Ave yer got the time about yer? + +The CHATTY P. (_accepting this as a sign of softening_). I'm sorry to +say I come out without my watch this morning, or else----But there's +plenty o' clocks about as'll tell yer. + +The CONTRAD. P. (_with intense disdain_). Clocks! You don't ketch _me_ +trusting no clocks--with no two of 'em alike! + +The CHATTY P. (_as they pass a well-known watchmaker's_). Well, 'ow +about that clock with the figgers? Won't _that_ do yer? They set it to +Grinnidge time every hour, so it's bound to be right! + +The CONTRAD. P. (_as descends_). There yer _are_! Think I'd put my faith +in a clock as 'as to be set right every hour? 'Tain't _likely_! Good-day +to yer! + +The CHATTY P. So long! (_To himself._) A pleasant feller enough, I +dessay, if you leave the subjec' to _'im_! + +DRIVER (_to smart HANSOM CABMAN_). Now then, outer the way with that +'ere 'Ackney keb o' yours! + +HANSOM CABMAN (_with hauteur_). As it 'appens, it _ain't_ a 'Ackney +cab--it's a private kerridge, this is! + +DRIVER. Ah, I might ha' known _you_ was a hammytoor by yer silly +hasslike method o' conducting yer business! [_Drives on triumphant._ + +A POLITICAL PASSENGER (_with a panacea--to a "KNOWLEDGABLE" PASSENGER_). +No, I don't want no 'Ome Rule, nor yet no Parish Counsels, nor nothink +o' _that_. What _I_ wanter see interdooced 'ere is Tereenial Porliments. + +The KNOWLEDGABLE PASSENGER (_with respect_). Tereenial Parliments? I +don't know as I've 'eard o' _them_. + +The POL. P. Ain't yer? Well, they're what we _want_. Why, they've 'ad +'em in America, they've ad 'em in Ostralia, they've 'ad 'em in Orstria; +and everywhere, mind yer, _everywhere_ they've been in operation they've +turned out a success! + +The KN. P. Then it's 'igh time _we_ 'ad 'em. _What_ is it they're +called, again? + +The POL. P. Tee-reen-ial Porliments. It stands to _reason_ they work +well. There they _are_, a settin' eight months in the year fur seven +year on end--somethink's _bound_ to come of it! I'd like to see any o' +_our_ lot settin' like that! It's a pity we don't take more pattern by +America in our law-makin'. + +[Illustration: "Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!"] + +The KN. P. Except in our criminal law. Why, I've 'eard there's States +out there where a man may go and commit a crime, d'ye see, and once he +gits across the boundary from one State into another--like as it might +be a line across this 'ere street like, d'ye see--once he's over that, +they can't do nothink to 'im! + +The POL. P. (_thoughtfully_). Ah, that wouldn't never do '_ere_, that +wouldn't! + + [_The CONDUCTOR comes up to collect fares._ + +CONDUCTOR (_to a SLEEPY PASSENGER in a corner_). Now then, fare, please? + +The SLEEPY PASSENGER (_with manly regret_). I ain't gorrit, ole pal. If +yer'd asht me jes' two minutes afore I gorrup, I could ha' done it for +yer, but I took jes' anorrer glash an' blued th' lot. No man can say I +don' part s'long's I gorrer _money_; no freehandeder man anywheresh'n +wharri am; but yer come on me too late. (_Shaking his head +reproachfully._) Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late! + +COND. 'Ere, I ain't goin' to stand no nonsense! If yer 'aven't got the +money, git down orf o' my bus, and quick, too! + +The SL. P. Ged _down_? An' _quick_! You wouldn' tor' li' that if you'd +sheen wharrer bloomin' 'ard job I 'ad to get _up_! [_He resumes his +slumber._ + +COND. (_passing on, softened_). I can't go and break the beggar's neck +for tuppence, and he's got it somewhere about him, as likely as not. +(_To a LITIGIOUS PASSENGER._) Tuppence is the fare, Sir, if _you_ +please. + +The LITIGIOUS PASSENGER. One penny is the legal fare, and all I intend +to pay. I know the law! + +COND. And so do I. It's wrote up tuppence inside the bus. If yer ain't +going to pay more, yer'd better git down; ye've 'ad over your penn'orth +a'ready! + +The LITIG. P. (_with spirit_). I decline to get down. I insist on being +taken to the Bank for my penny. + +COND. Oh, _do_ yer? We'll see about that. + + [_He stops the 'bus and calls a CONSTABLE, to whom he briefly + explains the situation._ + +CONSTABLE (_pacifically, from below, to the LITIG. P._). Come, Sir, +don't block the traffic, like this 'ere! Either pay the man his fare or +get down--one of the two. + +The LITIG. P. (_from the roof_). I have a legal right to remain here if +I like! + +CONST. That may be, Sir; but if you do, this man can summons you that's +all. + +The LITIG. P. (_warming with the joy of battle_). That's just what I +_want_ him to do! Can't I _make_ him summon me? + +COND. (_disgusted_). 'Ere, 'ang it all! _do_ yer think I'm goin' to cart +you 'arf over London fur a penny, and throw yer in the luxury of a +lawsoot? 'Ere's yer penny back, and I give yer the ride free, _there_! + +The LITIG. P. (_accepting the penny, and descending with dignity_). Very +well; and let me tell you this, it was just as well you gave way when +you did, for I was quite prepared to carry the case to the House of +Lords! + +COND. Ah! and I s'pose yer think yer'd git _there_ for a penny? + + [_The Omnibus goes on before the LITIGIOUS PERSON has time to + think over such an obvious repartee as asking the CONSTABLE to + take the man's number._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +AT A HIGHLAND CATTLE AUCTION. + + +_A Yard. In the open space between the rows of pens the AUCTIONEER is +trying to dispose of some horses which are trotted out one by one in the +usual fashion._ + +THE AUCTIONEER (_spectacled, red-bearded, canny, slightly Arcadian touch +imparted by straw hat, and a sprig of heather in his button-hole_). +What'll I say for this, noo? (_A horse of a meditative mien is just +brought in._) Here's a beast, and a very good beast, from Lochaber! +(_The bystanders remain unmoved._) He was bred by Meester MacFarlane, o' +Drumtappit, and ye'll all ha' haird on him as the biggest breeder in +these pairts. (_Heads are shaken, so much as to intimate that this +particular animal does not do Mr. MacFarlane justice._) Trot him up an' +doon a bit, boy, and show his action--stan' away back there! _(With +affected concern_.) Don't curb him so tight--be careful now, or ye'll do +meeschief to yourself an' others! (_As the horse trots past them,_ +_several critics slap it disrespectfully on the hind-quarters--a liberty +which it bears with meekness._) There's a pace for ye--he's a guid +woorker, a gran' beast--hoo much shall we say for him? (_Nobody seems +able to express his appreciation of the grand beast in figures._) Just +to stairt ye then--twenty poon! (_Even the animal himself appears +slightly staggered by this sum; bystanders are quietly derisive; +AUCTIONEER climbs rapidly down without interruption till he reaches six +pounds, when he receives his first bid._) Sex poon' is bed for 'm--is +there ony advance on sex poon? (_Someone in the background:--"Fefteen +shellin'!"_) Sex-fefteen--noo, Meester McRobbie, wull ye no luik this +way? (_MR. MCR. responds by a decided negative._) Ye won't? Ah, I never +got ony guid from ye--'cept when I didn't meet ye. (_This piece of +Scotch "wut" raises a laugh at MR. MCR.'S expense, but does not affect +the bidding, which still languishes._) Then, he's going at +sex-fefteen--for the last time. Whaur's my bedder at sex-fefteen? +(_Repentance or modesty prevents the bidder from coming forward, and the +AUCTIONEER continues, more in grief than anger._) Eh, this is too bad +noo--I'll thank no man for making me a bed, 'cept those that are meant +in airnest. No one bed onything for a beast like this! Then I hae to +tell ye ye've not bed near up to the resairve price on it. (_Suddenly +becomes weary of the animal._) Tak' it awa'. (_The next horse is led +in._) Now, here's a beast that's well-known, I'm thenkin'. (_The general +expression signifies that its reputation is not altogether to its +credit._) There's a well-bred mare--open up, and let her show hersel'. +(_The mare is shown, but fails to excite competition._) Ah, ye'll ony +buy screws to-day, an' not the nice things at a'--tak' her away. (_The +mare is taken out ignominiously; AUCTIONEER, followed by crowd, leads +the way to where a pony and trap are standing harnessed._) Noo, I'm gaun +to pit up the pony an' van--just show them hoo she goes in hairness, +boy. (_To intrusive collie._) Out of the way, dug, in case ye get your +feet smashed. (_Trap starts off, and is driven out of sight._) Whaur's +the laddie gaun ta? Thenks he'll show himsel' at Nairn, maybe! Ah, here +she comes. (_Trap returns at a modest pace._) Stan' back, noo, all of +ye; give her room. I'll sell the mare first, and a beauty she is--what +shell we say? Ten poons--and she's a nice one! Well, stairt her at five, +she may get up. (_Bidding gets up to ten pounds, where it stops._) Then +she goes at ten, and I'm very glad she's gaun to a gude auld friend o' +mine--Meester McKenzie, o' Glenbannock. Wull ye say five mair, and take +the hairness, Meester McKenzie? It's _richt_ hairness! (_MR. MCK. +declines to be tempted._) Well, I'm sorry ye wull na, I'd ha liked +(_sentimentally, as if it had been the dream of his life_) for the mare +an' the hairness to go togither and no to pairt them--but as 'tis, it +canna be helped. We'll pass on to the pegs, if you please. (_Passes to a +row of pens containing pigs, and mounts some planks placed along the +top._) Now, these are some proper pegs. (_A rush is made for the rails +enclosing the pigs, which instantly become self-conscious and redouble +their grunts._) Noo, laddies, laddies, it's no fair o' ye taking up a' +the room i' that way. I'm quite sure there's a lot o' ye in front that's +no buying pegs--ye hanna the luik o' pairsons that buy pegs. Stan' by +for shame, and don't keep them that comes to buy, where they canna see +sae much as a tail. Hoo much apiece for these palefaced pegs? Ye've an +awfu' guid view o' them there, Mr. Ferguson,---luik this way once again +for forrty and threepence. (_Persuasively._) It'll soun' better wi' the +threepence. Gaun' for forty an' three. (_The owner of the pigs calls out +"No!"_) I thocht I made a law here that people having pegs should gie me +the resairve at the time--see what ye do now, Peter MacPhairson, make a +fule of the buyers and a fule o' mysel'!--but (_with tolerant contempt_) +Peter is not a strong man, we must no be haird on Peter. (_Roar from +crowd;_ _disappearance of MR. MACPH._) I'll cancel no more sales that +way, however, as I eentimate to ye once for a'. + +'ARRY (_on tour from Town--to his admiring friend_). I say, Charley, +what d'yer bet I don't talk to some of these chaps in their own lingo? + +CHARLEY. What a fellow you are! Mind what you are about, that's all. + +'ARRY (_going up to an elderly person in the only Scotch cap visible_). +Hech, Sair, but yon's a braw bonnie wee bit piggie fur a body to tak' a +richt gude wullie waucht wi' gin ye meet him comin' thro' the rye! + +The PERSON IN THE SCOTCH CAP (_who happens to be a retired Colonel in a +Highland Regiment, who is somewhat careless in his attire_). I think you +will find that sort of thing better appreciated after you've got home. + + [_'ARRY returns to CHARLEY, feeling much smaller than he allows + his friend to perceive._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +THE COUNTRY OF COCKAIGNE. + +A MONOLOGUE--WITH A MORAL. + + +_An airless Court in a London back Street. TIME--August._ + +JIMMY (_aged eight, to Florrie, aged seven_). No, I ain't comin' to the +Reckereation Groun', not jess yit, I carn't.... I'm goin' ter wyte about +'ere till the lidy comes.... Why, 'er as is comin' to see my Muvver +'bout sendin' me fur a fortnight in the kerntry.... Yus, where I was +larst year.... It's settled as I'm ter go agine--leastways as _good_ as +settled. My Farver 'e've sent in a happlication to the K'mitty, and +Teacher 'e sez 'e kin reckermend me, an' Mr. and Mrs. Delves--them as +'ad the cottidge where I went afore--they've arst fur to 'ave me +agin--so you see, Florrie, it's all _right_. On'y I carn't settle to +nuffink afore I know when I'm goin', an' about the trine an' that. Yer +'ave to roide in a trine to git to the kerntry, yer know.... Wot, ain't +yer never bin there?... Yer'd wanter fawst enough if yer knoo what it +was loike.... There's grorss there, an' trees an' that.... Na-ow, a +_lot_ better 'n the Reckereation Groun'--that's all mide outer old +grivestones as the deaders 'as done wiv. There's 'ills an' bushes an' +'edges where yer can pick flowers.... There ain't no perlice to _git_ +yer locked up.... An' everyfink smells so lovelly, kinder 'elthy +like--it mikes yer feel 'ungry.... Not like sassages an' inions +azackly--'tain't that sorter smell.... On'y 'ere and there, an' yer'd +'ardly tell they _was_ shops, they kerry 'em on that quoiet.... Yer +wouldn' call it poky if yer was there. Mr. Delves 'e _was_ a kind man, +'e was; mide me a whistle out a sickermore brornch, 'e did; and Mrs. +Delves, she lemme help her feed the chickings.... They 'ad a garding +beyind, an' there'd bin rasberries an' gooseberries a growin' on +bushes--strite, there 'ad--I ain't tellin' yer no lies--on'y they was +all gone by then. An' they 'ad a dog--Rover _'is_ nime was--'e was a +koind dog, lemme lay insoide of 'is kennel orfen, 'e would.... I'd like +ter 'ave a run over thet Common agen, too. I dessay as I shell--p'reps +the d'y arter to-morrer.... There's a pond on it, an' geese, an' they +comes at yer a stritching out their necks an' a-'issin' thet +sevidge.... Na-ow, yer've on'y got ter walk up to 'em, an' they goes +orf, purtendin' they took yer fur somebody else, an' wasn't meanin' no +offence. I ain't afride o' no geese, I ain't--nor yet Lily wasn't +neither. We sor a pig 'aving a ring put froo 'is nose one day. 'E +'ollered out like 'e was bein' killed--but 'e wasn't. An' there was a +blecksmiff's, where they put the 'orse's shoes on red 'ot, 'an the 'orse +'e never took no notice. Me and Lily used ter go fur long walks, all +under trees. Once she showed me a squill--"squerl" _she_ kep' a-calling +of it, till I tole 'er 'ow--an' it run up a tree zigzag, and jumped on +to another ever so fur. That was when we was pickin' nuts. We went a +blackberryin', too, one day.... Na-ow, there warn't nobody dead. An' +Lily ... Lily Delves 'er nime was, b'longed to them I was stoppin' +wiv.... I didn't notice partickler.... Older nor you, an' bigger, and +lots redder 'bout the cheeks.... She wasn't a bad sort--fur a gal.... I +dunno; I liked _all_ on 'em.... Well, there was Farmer Furrows, 'e was +very familiar, said as 'ow I might go inter 'is horchard and pick the +happles up as was layin' there jest fur the askin'. An' Bob Rumble, 'im +as druv Mr. Kennister the grocer's cart, 'e used ter gimme a roide along +of 'im when 'e was tikin' round porcels an' that. We'd go along lanes +that 'igh yer couldn't see nuffink fur leaves; and once 'e druv along a +Pork with tremenjus big trees in it, an' stagses walkin' about +underneath with grite big 'orns.... Suthink like 'im as is drawed +outside the public round the corner--on'y they warn't none o' them gold. +I 'speck them gold ones is furrin'.... An' the grub--we 'ad beekstike +pudd'n o' Sundays, an' as much bread an' treacle every day as ever I +could eat, and I _was_ 'ungry when I was in the kerntry.... An' when I +come away Mrs. Delves, she gethered me a big noseguy fur to tike 'ome to +Muvver--kissantimums, merrigoles, an' dyliers, all sorts there was--an' +Murver she put 'em in a jug, and soon as ever I shet my eyes an' +sniffed, I could see that garding and Rover and Lily as _pline_--but +they went bad, an' 'ad to be froed aw'y at larst. I shall see 'em all +agine very soon now, though, won't thet be proime, eh?... Whatsy? 'Ere, +Florrie, you ain't _croying_, are yer?... Why don't yer arsk yer Farver +if 'e won't let _you_ go.... Oh, I thought as yer _wanted_ to go. Then +what _are_ yer----?... No, I ain't gled to git aw'y from you.... +A-course I shell be gled to see 'er; but that ain't why, it's +jest----You ain't never bin in the kerntry, or you'd know 'ow I'm +feelin'.... There's the lidy comin' now. I must cut across an' 'ear +what she sez to Muvver. Don' tike on--'tain't o'ny fur a fortnight, +anyway.... Look 'ere, I got suthink' for yer, Florrie, bought it orf a +man what 'ad a tray on 'em--it's a wornut, d'ye see? Now open it--ain't +them two little choiner dolls noice, eh?... I'd rorther you 'ad it nor +'er, strite, I would!... I'll be back in a minnit. + +[Illustration: "'Ere, Florrie, you ain't _croying_, are _yer_?"] + +_After an Interval of Twenty-four Hours._ + +No, _I_ ain't bin nowhere particular.... Settled? yus, it's all settled +'bout me goin' ter the kerntry.... To-morrer? no, I ain't goin' +_to-morrer_.... Nex' week? not as I _knows_ on.... You wanter know sech +a _lot_, you do!... If I _do_ tell yer, you'll on'y go an' larf.... +Well, I ain't goin' at all--_now_ I 'ope you're pleased.... What's the +good o' bein' _sorry_?... Oh, I don't keer much, I don't.... Set down on +this step alonger me, then, and don't you go saying nuffink, or I'll +stop tellin' of yer.... You remember me goin' in yes'day arternoon to +'ear what the lidy said? Well, when I got in, I 'eard 'er s'y, "Yus, +it'll be a great disappintment for '_im_, pore boy," she sez, "arter +lookin' forward to it an' all; but it can't be 'elped." And Muvver, she +sez, "'Is Farver'll be sorry, too; it done Jimmy ser much good larst +time. 'E can't pay not more nor 'arf-a-crownd a week towards it, but he +can manage that, bein' in work jess now." But the lidy sez, "It's this +w'y," she sez, "it costis us neelly arf a suffering over what the parint +pays fur each child, and we ain't got the fun's fur to send more 'n a +few, cos the Public don' suscroibe ser much as they might," she sez. +"An' so this year we're on'y sending children as is delikit, an' reelly +_wants_ a chinge." So yer see, I ain't a goin'. I dunno as I'm delikit; +but I _do_ want the kerntry _orful_ bad, I do. I wish I never 'adn't bin +there at all 'cos then preps I shouldn' mind. An' yit I'm gled I bin, +too. I dreamt about it larst night, Florrie, I did. I was a-settin' on +this 'ere step, sime as I am now, an' it was 'ot an' stoiflin', like it +is; an' all of a suddink I see Mr. Kennister's' cart wiv the grey 'orse +turn into our court an' pull up hoppersite, an' Bob Rumble 'e was +a-driving on it. An' 'e sez, "Jump up!" 'e sez, "an' I'll tike yer back +to Mr. Delves's cottidge." And I sez, "May Florrie come too?" An' 'e +sez, "Yus, both on yer." So up we gits, and we was droivin' along the +lanes, and I was showin' yer the squills an' the stagses, an' jes as we +come to the turn where yer kin see the cottidge----Well, I don' +remember no more on it. But it was a noice dream so far as I got wiv it, +an' if I 'adn't never bin there, I couldn' ha' dreamt it, _could_ I, +eh? An', like as not, I'll dream the rest on it anuvver night.... An' +you must try an' dream your share, too, Florrie. It'll be a'most like +bein' in the kerntry in a sort o' w'y fur both on us, won't it? + + +THE MORAL. + +(_The Offices of the Children's Country Holidays Fund are at 10, +Buckingham Street, Strand, and contributions should be made payable to +the Hon. Treasurer._) + + +THE END. + + + +In Crown 8vo, cloth, price 5s. + +PUPPETS AT LARGE. + +By F. ANSTEY, Author of "Vice Versa," &c. + +Scenes and Sketches reprinted from "PUNCH" with 16 page Illustrations by +J. B. PARTRIDGE. + + +In Crown 8vo, cloth, price 5s. + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +A STORY IN SCENES. + +By F. ANSTEY, Author of "Vice Versa," &c. + +Reprinted from "PUNCH" with 15 Illustrations by J. B. PARTRIDGE. + + "Will provoke many a hearty laugh. From first to last the fun + is legitimate."--_Morning Post._ + + "The fun of it never flags for a moment."--_St. James' + Gazette._ + + +In Crown 8vo, cloth, price 3s. 6d. + +MR. PUNCH'S YOUNG RECITER. + +WITH INTRODUCTIONS, REMARKS, AND STAGE-DIRECTIONS. + +By F. ANSTEY, Author of "Vice Versa," &c. + +Reprinted from "PUNCH" with Additions, and with 34 "PUNCH" +Illustrations. + + "Very well written, and any modern humorist might be proud of + them."--_Athenæum._ + + +In Crown 8vo, cloth, price 4s. 6d. + +MR. PUNCH'S MODEL MUSIC-HALL + +SONGS AND DRAMAS. + +By F. ANSTEY, Author of "Mr. Punch's Young Reciter." + +Collected, Improved, and Re-arranged from "PUNCH" with 13 full-page and +a number of other Illustrations. + + "This volume has caused us more laughter than anything else Mr. + Anstey has written since 'Vice Versa.' Some of the songs and + dances are screamingly funny."--_Review of Reviews._ + + +In Crown 8vo, cloth, price 4s. 6d. + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +By R. C. LEHMANN + +With 24 Illustrations by EDWARD REED. + + "Some things here reprinted are nearly of the best of their + kind. We should not like to take the authors' opinions, for + your author almost always laughs on the wrong side of his mouth + at caricatures of his work. But if the authors do not like it, + their readers will; and even of the authors themselves we may + trust that some will see the joke."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., 8, 9, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. + + +_THE COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S LIBRARY EDITION._ + +Embellished with nearly 1,000 of JOHN LEECH'S best Sketches on Wood, and +100 Hand-coloured Steel Engravings by JOHN LEECH and H. K. BROWNE. In +six medium 8vo volumes, large margin, cloth extra, price £4 4_s._; and +in half morocco, with panelled hunting adornments, gilt and finished, +price £5 12_s._ 6_d._ + +"HANDLEY CROSS" SERIES OF SPORTING NOVELS. + +This inimitable series of volumes is absolutely unique, there being +nothing approaching to them in all the wide range of modern or ancient +literature. Written by Mr. Surtees, a well-known country gentleman, who +was passionately devoted to the healthy sport of fox-hunting, and gifted +with a keen spirit of manly humour of a Rabelaisian tinge, they abound +with incidents redolent of mirth and jollity. The artist, Mr. Leech, was +himself also an enthusiast in the sport, and has reflected in his +illustrations, with instinctive appreciation, the rollicking abandon of +the author's stories. + +_These volumes can be had separately as under:--_ + + HANDLEY CROSS; or, Mr. Jorrock's + Hunt. Many Sketches on Wood, + and 17 Steel Engravings. Price 16_s._ + + ASK MAMMA; or, The Richest + Commoner In England. Many + Sketches on Wood, and 13 Steel + Engravings. Price 14_s._ + + SPONGE'S SPORTING TOUR. Many + Sketches on Wood, and 13 Steel + Engravings. Price 14_s._ + + PLAIN OR RINGLETS? Many + Sketches on Wood, and 13 Steel + Engravings. Price 14_s._ + + MR. FACEY ROMFORD'S HOUNDS. + 24 Steel Engravings. Price 14_s._ + + HAWBUCK GRANGE; or, The Sporting + Adventures of Thomas Scott, + Esquire. With 8 Steel Engravings + by H. K. BROWNE (Phiz). Price + 12_s._ 6_d._ + + +HUNTING STORIES BY "WANDERER." + +UNIFORM WITH THE "HANDLEY CROSS SERIES." Medium 8vo. + + FAIR DIANA. With 22 Coloured Illustrations + and 70 Sketches in the Text. + By G. BOWERS. Price 12_s._ 6_d._ + + ACROSS COUNTRY. With 22 Coloured + Illustrations and numerous Sketches. + By G. BOWERS. Price 12_s._ 6_d._ + + A LOOSE REIN. With 22 Coloured Illustrations and numerous Sketches in + the Text. By G. BOWERS. Price 12_s._ 6_d._ + + +G. BOWERS' ILLUSTRATIONS. + + A MONTH IN THE MIDLANDS: "a + Book for the Shires." Half-hunting + cloth, Coloured Plates. By + G. BOWERS. Price 12_s._ 6_d._ + + HOLLY BUSH HALL; or, "Open + House" in an "Open Country." + Half-hunting cloth, Coloured Plates. + By G. BOWERS. Price 15_s._ + + NOTES FROM A HUNTING BOX. Oblong folio, half-hunting cloth, with + Illustrations + by G. Bowers. Price 15_s._ + + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., 8, 9, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. + +The "Jorrocks" Edition + +OF THE + +HANDLEY CROSS SPORTING NOVELS. + +6 Volumes, Large Crown 8vo, with Illustrations, price 36s. + + +Of the Books which have attained to the position of being perennial +favourites with the audience to whom they appeal--living as if no +rivalry could dislodge them--a foremost place has long been held by the +HANDLEY CROSS series of volumes, which are now just as much the +favourite reading of those who are interested in the exploits of the +hunting-field, as they have been since their first publication. + +The fictitious heroes, whose doings and sayings inspire these favourite +volumes, provide a nomenclature which is as much imbedded in the +phraseology of sport as those of Thackeray or Dickens are in our +national literature. In what hunting circles may it not be said that the +names of JORROCKS and SOAPEY SPONGE and FACEY ROMFORD are "familiar in +their mouths as household words"? + +The HANDLEY CROSS Sporting Novels have hitherto, by the form of their +production, formed the enduring ornament of a Country Gentleman's +Library, and, by reason of their price, have been somewhat beyond the +attainment of that extensive and constantly enlarging section who have +learned to take delight in the out-of-door amusements which brighten +rural life. + +Everyone whose delight in a "finest run across country that ever was +seen," and whose ambition is "to be in at the finish," may now have as +his abiding companions on his own book-case within reach of his +easy-chair, the histories of JORROCKS and SPONGE and ROMFORD, and others +of the famous creation, in a handsome and handy form; having the pages +brightened by a selection from the original illustrations to give an +added vividness to the exhilarating raciness of the author's humour. + +_The volumes are sold separately as under:--_ + + HANDLEY CROSS; or, Mr. Jorrock's + Hunt. With 67 Text and 12 Page + Illustrations and Coloured Frontispiece. + Price 7_s._ 6_d._ + + ASK MAMMA; or, The Richest Commoner + In England. With 51 Text + and 8 Page Illustrations and Coloured + Frontispiece. Price 6_s._ + + SPONGE'S SPORTING TOUR. With + 60 Text and 8 Page Illustrations and + Coloured Frontispiece. Price 6_s._ + + PLAIN OR RINGLETS? With 43 + Text and 8 Page Illustrations and + Coloured Frontispiece. Price 6_s._ + + MR. FACEY ROMFORD'S HOUNDS. + With 46 Text and 8 Page Illustrations + and Coloured Frontispiece. + Price 6_s._ + + HAWBUCK GRANGE; or, The Sporting + Adventures of Thomas Scott, + Esquire. With 28 Text and 8 Page + Illustrations and Coloured Frontispiece. + Price 4_s._ 6_d._ + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD. 8, 9, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. + + +F. C. BURNAND'S WORKS. + +A SELECTED COLLECTION FROM "PUNCH." + +5 Volumes, Large Crown 8vo, gilt top, price 25s. + + "Mr. Burnand's Writings are well worth collecting. He has + produced a very large body of comic writing of a high order of + merit, and the amount of it that is first-rate is considerable. + There is a perpetual gaiety and airiness about his work which + makes it always pleasant to dip into, and few humorists have + the power of making their readers laugh so agreeably, so + innocently, so often, and so much."--_Athenæum._ + +_The Volumes are sold separately as under:_ + +Price 5s. each. + + 1. VERY MUCH ABROAD. + + _With 160 "Punch" Illustrations_. + + 2. RATHER AT SEA. + + _With 116 "Punch" Illustrations_. + + 3. QUITE AT HOME. + + _With 108 "Punch" Illustrations_. + + 4. HAPPY THOUGHTS. + + _With 110 Illustrations_. + + 5. SOME OLD FRIENDS. + + _With 115 "Punch" Illustrations_. + + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., 8, 9, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Puppets at Large, by F. 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