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diff --git a/37360.txt b/37360.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f321042 --- /dev/null +++ b/37360.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1571 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Object: matrimony, by Montague Glass + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Object: matrimony + +Author: Montague Glass + +Release Date: September 8, 2011 [EBook #37360] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OBJECT: MATRIMONY *** + + + + +Produced by Dianna Adair, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +Object: Matrimony + + +[Illustration: "DID YOU EVER SUFFER FROM STUMMICK TROUBLE?"] + + + OBJECT: + MATRIMONY + + by + MONTAGUE + GLASS + + GARDEN CITY NEW YORK + DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY + 1912 + + + + + _Copyright, 1909, by_ + THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY + + _Copyright, 1912, by_ + DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY + + +_All rights reserved including that of translation into foreign +languages, including the Scandinavian_ + + + + +Object: Matrimony + +BY MONTAGUE GLASS + + + + +"Real estate!" Philip Margolius cried bitterly; "that's a business for a +business man! If a feller's in the clothing business and it comes bad +times, Mr. Feldman, he can sell it his goods at cost and live anyhow; +but if a feller's in the real-estate business, Mr. Feldman, and it comes +bad times, he can't not only sell his houses, but he couldn't give 'em +away yet, and when the second mortgage forecloses he gets deficiency +judgments against him." + +"Why don't you do this?" Mr. Feldman suggested. "Why don't you go to the +second mortgagee and tell him you'll convey the houses to him in +satisfaction of the mortgage? Those houses will never bring even the +amount of the first mortgage in these times, and surely he would rather +have the houses than a deficiency judgment against you." + +"That's what I told him a hundred times. Believe me, Mr. Feldman, I used +hours and hours of the best salesmanship on that feller," Margolius +answered, "and all he says is that he wouldn't have to pay no interest, +insurance and taxes on a deficiency judgment, while a house what stands +vacant you got to all the time be paying out money." + +"But as soon as they put the subway through," Mr. Feldman continued, +"that property around Two Hundred and Sixty-fourth Street and Heidenfeld +Avenue will go up tremendously." + +"Sure I know," Margolius agreed; "but when a feller's got four double +flat-houses and every flat yet vacant, futures don't cut no ice. Them +tenants couldn't ride on futures, Mr. Feldman; and so, with the nearest +trolley car ten blocks away, I am up against a dead proposition." + +"Wouldn't he give you a year's extension?" Mr. Feldman asked. + +"He wouldn't give me positively nothing," Margolius replied hopelessly. +"That feller's a regular Skylark. He wants his pound of meat every time, +Mr. Feldman. So I guess you got to think up some scheme for me that I +should beat him out. Them mortgages falls due in ten days, Mr. Feldman, +and we got to act quick." + +Mr. Feldman frowned judicially. In New York, if an attorney for a realty +owner knows his business and neglects his professional ethics he can so +obstruct an action to foreclose a mortgage as to make Jarndyce vs. +Jarndyce look like a summary proceeding. But Henry D. Feldman was a +conscientious practitioner, and never did anything that might bring him +before the grievance committee of the Bar Association. Moreover, he was +a power in the Democratic organization and right in line for a Supreme +Court judgeship, and so it behooved him to be careful if not ethical. + +"Why don't you go and see Goldblatt again, and then if you can't move +him I'll see what I can do for you?" Feldman suggested. + +"But, Mr. Feldman," Margolius protested, "I told it you it ain't no use. +Goldblatt hates me worser as poison." + +Feldman leaned back in his low chair with one arm thrown over the back, +after the fashion of Judge Blatchford's portrait in the United States +District Courtroom. + +"See here, Margolius: what's the real trouble between you and +Goldblatt?" he said. "If you're going to get my advice in this matter +you will have to tell me the whole truth. _Falsus in uno, falsus in +omnibus_, you know." + +"You make a big mistake, Mr. Feldman," Margolius replied. "It ain't +nothing like that, and whoever told it you is got another think coming. +The trouble was about his daughter Fannie. You could bring a horse a +pail of water, Mr. Feldman, but no one could make the horse drink it if +he don't want to, and that's the way it was with me. Friedman, the +Schatchen, took me up to see Goldblatt's daughter Fannie, and I assure +you I ain't exaggeration a bit when I tell you she's got a moustache +what wouldn't go bad with a dago barber yet." + +"Why, I thought Goldblatt's daughter was a pretty good looker," Feldman +exclaimed. + +"That's Birdie Goldblatt," Margolius replied, blushing. "But +Fannie--that's a different proposition, Mr. Feldman. Well, Goldblatt +gives me all kinds of inducements; but I ain't that kind, Mr. Feldman. +If I would marry I would marry for love, and it wouldn't make no +difference to me if the girl would have it, say, for example, only two +thousand dollars. I would marry her anyway." + +"Very commendable," Mr. Feldman murmured. + +"But Fannie Goldblatt--that is somebody a young feller wouldn't +consider, not if her hair hung with diamonds, Mr. Feldman," Margolius +continued. "Although I got to admit I did go up to Goldblatt's house a +great many times, because, supposing she does got a moustache, she could +cook _gefuellte Fische_ and _Fleischkugeln_ better as Delmonico's +already. And then Miss Birdie Goldblatt----" + +He faltered and blushed again, while Feldman nodded sympathetically. + +"Anyhow, what's the use talking?" Margolius concluded. "The old man gets +sore on me, and when Marks Henochstein offers him the second mortgages +on them Heidenfeld Avenue houses it was yet boom-time in the Bronix, and +it looked good to Goldblatt; so he made Henochstein give him a big +allowance, and he bought 'em. And now when he's got me where he wants +me I can kiss myself good-bye with them houses." + +He rose to his feet and put on his gloves, for Philip was what is +popularly known as a swell dresser. Indeed, there was no +smarter-appearing salesman in the entire cloak and suit trade, nor was +there a salesman more ingratiating in manner and hence more successful +with lady buyers. + +"If the worser comes to the worst," he said, "I will go through +bankruptcy. I ain't got nothing but them houses, anyway." He fingered +the two-and-a-half-carat solitaire in his scarf to find out if it were +still there. "And they couldn't get my salary in advance, so that's what +I'll do." + +He shook hands with Mr. Feldman. + +"You could send me a bill for your advice, Mr. Feldman," he said. + +"That's all right," Feldman replied as he ushered his client out of the +office. "I'll add it to my fee in the bankruptcy matter." + + + + +II + + +About Miss Birdie Goldblatt's appearance there was something of Maxine +Elliott with just a dash of Anna Held, and she wore her clothes so well +that she could make a blended-Kamchatka near-mink scarf look like +Imperial Russian sable. Thus, when Philip Margolius encountered her on +the corner of Fifth Avenue and Twenty-first Street his heart fairly +jumped in admiration. Nevertheless, he raised his hat with all his +accustomed grace, and Miss Goldblatt bowed and smiled in return. + +"How d'ye do, Miss Goldblatt," he said. "Ain't it a fine weather?" + +"Sure it's fine weather," Miss Goldblatt agreed. "Is that all you +stopped me for to tell me it was fine weather?" + +"No," Philip said lamely. + +"Well, then, I guess I'll be moving on," Miss Goldblatt announced; +"because I got a date with Fannie up on Twenty-third Street." + +"One minute," Philip cried. "It was about your sister what I wanted to +speak to you about." + +"What have you got to do with my sister Fannie?" Miss Goldblatt +demanded, glaring indignantly at Margolius. + +"Why," Philip replied on the spur of the moment, "I got a friend what +wants to be introduced to her, a--now--feller in the--now--cloak +business." + +Miss Goldblatt regarded Philip for one suspicious moment. + +"What's his name?" she asked abruptly. + +A gentle perspiration broke out on Philip's forehead. He searched his +mind for the name of some matrimonially eligible man of his +acquaintance, but none suggested itself. Hence, he sparred for time. + +"Never mind his name," he said jocularly. "When the time comes I'll +tell you his name. He's got it a good business, too, I bet yer." + +Miss Goldblatt grew somewhat mollified. + +"Why don't you bring him down to the house some night?" she suggested, +whereat Philip could not forbear an ironical laugh. + +"I suppose your father would be delighted to see me, I suppose. Ain't +it?" he said. + +"What's he got to do with it?" Miss Goldblatt asked. "Do you think +because he's called in them second mortgages that me and Fannie would +stand for his being fresh to you if you was to come round to the house?" + +"No, I don't," Philip replied; "but just the same, anyhow, he feels sore +at me." + +"He's got a right to feel sore at you," Miss Goldblatt interrupted. "You +come a dozen times to see my sister, and then----" + +"That's where you are mistaken," Philip cried; "I come once, the first +time, to see your sister, and the other times I come to see _you_." + +"Ain't you got a nerve?" Miss Goldblatt exclaimed. + +"Why do I got a nerve?" Philip asked. "Miss Goldblatt--Birdie, what's +the matter with me, anyway? I'm young yet--I ain't only thirty-two--and +I got a good name in the cloak and suit business as a salesman. Ask +anybody. I can make it my five thousand a year easy. And supposing I am +a foreigner? There's lots of up-to-date American young fellers what +couldn't keep you in hairpins, Birdie." + +He paused and looked pleadingly at Birdie, who tossed her head in reply. + +"Them houses up in the Bronix," he said, "that's a misfortune what could +happen anybody. If I got to let 'em go I'll do it. But pshaw! I could +make it up what I lost in them houses with my commissions for one good +season already." + +"Well, my sister Fannie----" Birdie commenced. + +"Never mind your sister Fannie," Philip said. "I will look out for her. +If you and me can fix it up, Birdie, I give you my word and honour as a +gentleman I will fix it up for Fannie a respectable feller with a good +business." + +He paused for an expression of opinion from Birdie, but none was +forthcoming. + +"What are you doing to-night?" he asked. + +"Fannie and me was----" she began. + +"Not Fannie--_you_," he broke in. "Because I was going to suggest if you +ain't doing nothing might we would go to theaytre?" + +"Well, sure," Birdie continued. "Fannie and me could go and we wouldn't +say nothing to the old man about it." + +"Looky here," Philip pleaded, "must Fannie go?" + +"Sure she must go," Birdie answered. "Otherwise, if she don't go I won't +go." + +Philip pondered for a moment. + +"Well----" he commenced. + +"And why wouldn't it be a good scheme," Birdie went on, "if you was to +ring in this other young feller?" + +"What young feller?" Philip innocently asked her. + +"What young feller!" Birdie exclaimed. "Why, ain't you just told me----" + +"Oh, that's right!" Philip cried. "That's a good idee. I'll see if I can +fix it." + +He stopped short and looked at his watch. "I'll meet you both in front +of the Casino at eight o'clock," he declared. + +It was five o'clock and he only had a trifle over three hours to +discover a man--young if possible, but, in any event, prosperous, who +would be willing to conduct to the theatre a lady of uncertain age with +a dark moustache--object: matrimony. + +"You must excuse me," he said fervently as he shook Birdie's hand in +farewell. "I got a lot of work to do this afternoon." + + + + +III + + +On his way to the office of Schindler & Baum, his employers, he was a +prey to misgivings of the gloomiest kind. + +"I got such a chance of getting a feller for that Fannie like I would +never try at all," he murmured to himself; but, as he turned the corner +of Nineteenth Street, Fortune, which occasionally favours the brave, +brought him into violent contact with a short, stout person proceeding +in the opposite direction. + +"Why don't you hire it a whole sidewalk for yourself?" Philip began, and +then he recognized the stout gentleman. + +"Why, hallo, Mr. Feigenbaum!" he cried. + +"Hallo yourself, Margolius!" Feigenbaum grunted. "It's a wonder you +wouldn't murder me yet, the way you go like a steam engine already." + +"Excuse me," Philip said. "Excuse _me_, Mr. Feigenbaum. I didn't see you +coming. I got to wear glasses, too." + +Mr. Feigenbaum glared at Philip with his left eye, the glare in his +right eye being entirely beyond control, since it was fixed and constant +as the day it was made. + +"What are you trying to do, Margolius?" he asked. "Kid me?" + +"Kid you!" Philip repeated. "Why should I want to kid you?" + +And then for the first time it occurred to him that not only was One-eye +Feigenbaum proprietor of the H. F. Cloak Company and its six stores in +the northern-tier counties of Pennsylvania, but that he was also a +bachelor. Moreover, a bachelor with one eye and the singularly +unprepossessing appearance of Henry Feigenbaum would be just the kind of +person to present to Fannie Goldblatt, for Feigenbaum, by reason of his +own infirmity, could not cavil at Fannie's black moustache, and as for +Fannie--well, Fannie would be glad to take what she could get. + +"Come over to Hammersmith's and take a little something, Mr. +Feigenbaum," he said. "You and me hasn't had a talk together in a long +time." + +Feigenbaum followed him across the street and a minute later sat down at +a table in Hammersmith's rear cafe. + +"What will you take, Mr. Feigenbaum?" Philip asked as the waiter bent +over them solicitously. + +"Give me a package of all-tobacco cigarettes," Feigenbaum ordered, "and +a rye-bread tongue sandwich." + +Philip asked for a cup of coffee. + +"Looky here, Feigenbaum," Philip commenced after they had been served, +"you and me is known each other now since way before the Spanish War +already, when I made my first trip by Sol Unterberg. Why is it I ain't +never sold you a dollar's worth of goods?" + +"No, and you never will, Margolius," Feigenbaum said as he licked the +crumbs from his fingers; "and I ain't got a thing against you, because I +think you're a decent, respectable young feller." + +Having thus endorsed the character of his host, Feigenbaum lit a +cigarette and grinned amiably. + +"But Schindler & Baum got it a good line, Feigenbaum," Philip +protested. + +"Sure I know they got it a good line," Feigenbaum agreed; "but I ain't +much on going to theaytres or eating a bunch of expensive feed. No, +Margolius, I like to deal with people what gives their line the benefit +of the theaytres and the dinners." + +"What you mean?" Philip cried. + +"I mean Ellis Block, from Saracuse, New York, shows me a line of capes +he bought it from you, Margolius," Feigenbaum continued, "which the +precisely same thing I got it down on Division Street at a dollar less +apiece from a feller what never was inside of so much as a moving +pictures, with or without a customer, Margolius, and so he don't got to +add the tickets to the price of the garments." + +Philip washed down a tart rejoinder with a huge gulp. + +"Not that I don't go to theaytre once in a while," Feigenbaum went on; +"but when I go I pay for it myself." + +Philip nodded. + +"Supposing I should tell you, Mr. Feigenbaum," he said, "that I didn't +want to sell you no goods." + +"Well, if you didn't want to sell me no goods," Feigenbaum replied with +a twinkle in his eye, "the best thing to do would be to take me to a +show, because then I sure wouldn't buy no goods from you." + +"All right," Philip replied; "come and take dinner with me and we'll go +and see the Lily of Constantinople." + +"I wouldn't take dinner with you because I got to see a feller on East +Broadway at six o'clock," Feigenbaum said; "but if you are willing I +will meet you in front of the Casino at eight o'clock." + +"Sure I'm willing," Philip said; "otherwise, I wouldn't of asked you." + +"All right," Feigenbaum said, rising from his chair. "Eight o'clock, +look for me in front of the Casino." + +At seven o'clock Philip alighted from a Forty-second Street car. He +strode into a fashionable hotel and handed ten dollars to the clerk in +the theatre-ticket office. + +"Give me four orchestra seats for the Casino for to-night," he said. + +Thence he proceeded to the grill-room and consumed a tenderloin steak, +hashed-brown potatoes, a mixed salad, pastry and coffee, and washed +down the whole with a pint of ebullient refreshment. + +Finally, he lit a fine cigar and paid the check, after which he took a +small morocco-bound book from his waistcoat pocket. He turned to the +last page of a series headed, "Schindler & Baum, Expense Account," and +made the following entry: + +"To entertainment of Henry Feigenbaum, $15.00." + + + + +IV + + +The acquaintance of Henry Feigenbaum with Miss Fannie Goldblatt could +hardly be called love at first sight. + +"Mr. Feigenbaum," Philip said when they all met in front of the Casino, +"this is a friend of mine by the name Miss Fannie Goldblatt; also, her +sister Birdie." + +The two ladies bowed, but Feigenbaum only blinked at them with +unaffected astonishment. + +"All right," he stammered at last. "All right, Margolius. Let's go +inside." + +During the short period before the rising of the curtain Birdie and +Philip conversed in undertones, while Fannie did her best to interest +her companion. + +"Ain't it a pretty theaytre?" she said by way of prelude. + +Feigenbaum glanced around him and grunted: "Huh, huh." + +"You're in the same line as Mr. Margolius, ain't you?" Fannie +continued. + +"Cloaks and suits, retail," Feigenbaum replied. "I got six stores in the +northern-tier counties of Pennsylvania." + +"Then you don't live in New York?" Fannie hazarded. + +"No, I live in Pennsylvania," said Feigenbaum. "But I used to live in +New York when I was a young feller." + +"Why, you're a young feller yet," Fannie suggested coyly. + +"Me, I ain't so young no longer," Feigenbaum answered. "At my age I +could have it already grandchildren old enough to bring in a couple +dollars a week selling papers." + +"I believe you should bring up children sensible, too," Miss Goldblatt +agreed heartily. "If I had children I would teach 'em they should earn +and save money young." + +"So?" Feigenbaum said. + +"Sure," Miss Goldblatt continued. "I always say that if you make +children to be economical when they're young they're economical when +they grow up. My poor mother, _selig_, always impressed it on me I +should be economical, and so I am economical." + +"Is that so?" Feigenbaum gasped. He felt that he was a drowning man and +looked around him for floating straws. + +"I ain't so helpless like some other ladies that I know," Miss Goldblatt +went on. "My poor mother, _selig_, was a good housekeeper, and she +taught me everything what she knew. She used to say: 'The feller what +gets my Fannie won't never die of the indigestion.'" + +Feigenbaum nodded gloomily. + +"Did you ever suffer from stummick trouble, Mr. Feigenbaum?" she asked. + +The composer of the Lily of Constantinople came to Feigenbaum's +assistance by scoring the opening measure of the overture for brass and +woodwind with heavy passages for the _cassa grande_ and cymbals, and +when the uproar gave way to a simple rendition of the song hit of the +show, My Bosphorus Queen, Fannie surrendered herself to the spell of its +marked rhythm and forgot to press Feigenbaum for an answer. + +During the entire first act Feigenbaum fixed his eyes on the stage, and +as soon as the curtain fell for the first _entr'acte_ he uttered no word +of apology, but made a hurried exit to the smoking-room. There Philip +found him a moment later. + +"Well, Feigenbaum," Philip cried, "how do you like the show?" + +"The show is all right, Margolius," Feigenbaum replied, "but the next +time you are going to steer me up against something like that Miss +Fannie Goldblatt, Margolius, let me know. That's all." + +"Why, what's the matter with her?" Philip asked. + +"There's nothing the matter with her," Feigenbaum said, "only she +reminds me of a feller what used to work by me up in Sylvania by the +name Pincus Lurie. I had to get rid of him because trade fell off on +account the children complained he made snoots at 'em to scare 'em. He +didn't make no snoots, Margolius; that was his natural face what he got +it, the same like Miss Goldblatt." + +"You don't know that girl, Feigenbaum," Philip replied. "That girl's got +a heart. Oi! what a heart that girl got--like a watermelon." + +"I know, Margolius," Feigenbaum replied; "but she also got it a +moustache like a dago. Why don't she shave herself, Margolius?" + +"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Philip said coldly. + +"I don't know her good enough yet," Feigenbaum retorted, "and how it +looks now I ain't never going to." + +But the way to Feigenbaum's heart lay through his stomach just as +accurately as it avoided his pocketbook, so that when Miss Fannie +Goldblatt suggested, after the final curtain, that they all go up to One +Hundred and Eighteenth Street and have a supper at home instead of at a +restaurant, she made a dent in Feigenbaum's affections. + +"Looky here, Birdie," Philip whispered, "how about the old man?" + +"Don't you worry about him," she said. "He went to Brownsville to play +auction pinocle, and I bet yer he don't get home till five o'clock." + +Half an hour afterward they sat around the dining-room table, and +Fannie helped Feigenbaum to a piece of _gefuellte Fische_, a delicacy +which never appears on the menus of rural hotels in Pennsylvania. At the +first mouthful Feigenbaum looked at Fannie Goldblatt, and while, to be +sure, she did have some hair on her upper lip, it was only a slight down +which at the second mouthful became still slighter. Indeed, after the +third slice of fish Feigenbaum was ready to declare it to be a most +becoming down, very bewitching and Spanish in appearance. + +Following the _gefuellte Fische_ came a species of _tripe farcie_, the +whole being washed down with coffee and topped off with delicious +cake--cake which could be adequately described only by kissing the tips +of one's fingers. + +"After all, Margolius," Feigenbaum commented as he lit an all-tobacco +cigarette on their way down the front stoop of the Goldblatt +residence--"after all, she ain't such a bad-looking woman. I seen it +lots worser, Margolius." + +"That's nothing what we got it this evening," Philip said as they +started off for the subway; "you should taste the _Kreploch_ what that +girl makes it." + +"I'm going to," Feigenbaum said; "they asked me I should come to dinner +to-morrow night." + +But Philip knew from his own experience that the glamour engendered of +Fannie's _gefuellte Fische_ would soon be dispelled, and then Henry +Feigenbaum would hie him to the northern-tier counties of Pennsylvania, +leaving Philip's love affair in worse condition than before. + +"I got to cinch it," he murmured to himself as he went downtown next +morning, "before that one-eyed feller skips out on me." + +As soon as he reached Schindler & Baum's office he rang up the Goldblatt +house, assuming for that purpose a high tenor voice lest Goldblatt +himself answer the 'phone; but again fortune favoured him, and it was +Birdie who responded. + +"Birdie," he said, "do me the favour and come to lunch with me at the +Park Row Building." + +"Why so far downtown?" Birdie asked. + +"Reasons I got it," Philip replied. "Come at twelve o'clock at the Park +Row Building, sure." + +Thus it happened at quarter past twelve Philip and Birdie sat at a table +in the Park Row Building in such earnest conversation that a tureenful +of soup remained unserved before them at a temperature of seventy +degrees. + +"An engagement party ain't nothing to me," Philip cried. "What do I care +for such things?" + +"But it's something to me, Philip," Birdie declared. "Think of the +presents, Philip." + +"Presents!" Philip repeated. "What for presents would we get it? +Bargains in cut glass what would make our flat look like a +five-and-ten-cent store." + +"But Popper would be crazy if I did a thing like that," Birdie +protested. "And, besides, I ain't got no clothes." + +"Why, you look like a--like a--now--queen," Philip exclaimed. "And, +anyhow, what would you want new clothes for when you got this?" + +He dug his hand into his trousers pocket and produced a ring containing +a solitaire diamond as big as a hazelnut. + +"I took a chance on the size already," he said, "but I bet yer it will +fit like it was tailor-made." + +He seized her left hand in both of his and passed the ring on to the +third finger, while Birdie's cheeks were aglow and her eyes rivalled the +brilliancy of the ring itself. + +"But----" she began. + +"But nothing," Philip interrupted. He rose from his seat and helped +Birdie on with her coat. "Waiter," he called, "we come right back here. +We are just going over to Jersey for a couple of hours." + +He pressed a bill into the waiter's hand. + +"Send that soup to the kitchen," he said, "and tell 'em to serve it hot +when we come back." + +Two hours later they reappeared at the same table, and the grinning +waiter immediately went off to the kitchen. When he returned he bore a +glass bowl containing a napkin elaborately folded in the shape of a +flower, and inside the napkin was a little heap of rice. + + + + +V + + +There was something about Mr. Elkan Goldblatt's face that would make the +most hardy real-estater pause before entering into a business deal with +him. He had an eye like a poll-parrot with its concomitant beak, and his +closely cropped beard and moustache accentuated rather than mollified +his harsh appearance. + +"Such fellers I wouldn't have no more mercy on than a dawg," he said to +his attorney, Eleazer Levy. "Oncet already I practically kicked him out +from my house, and then he's got the nerve to come back, and two weeks +ago he brings yet a feller with him and makes bluffs that the feller +wants to marry my daughter Fannie." + +"He was just trying to get you to extend those second mortgages, I +suppose," Levy said. + +"Sure he was, because this here feller--a homely looking feller with one +eye, mind you--says he got to go back to Pennsylvania where his stores +is, and we ain't seen nor heard a word from him since," Goldblatt +concluded. "And him eating two meals a day by us for ten days yet!" + +Eleazer Levy clucked with his tongue in sympathy. + +"But, anyhow, now I want we should go right straight ahead and foreclose +on Margolius," Goldblatt continued. "Don't lose no time, Levy, and get +out the papers to-day. How long would it be before we can sell the +property?" + +"Six weeks," said Levy, "if I serve the summons to-morrow. I put in a +search some days ago, and the feller ain't got a judgment against him." + +"So much the better," Goldblatt commented. "The property won't bring the +amount of the first mortgage and I suppose I got to buy it in. Then I +will get deficiency judgments against that feller, and I'll make him +sorry he ever tried any monkey business with me and my daughters. Why, +that feller actually turned my own children against me, Levy." + +"Is that so?" Levy murmured. + +"My Birdie abused me, I assure you, like I was a pickpocket when I says +I would foreclose on him," Goldblatt replied. "And even my Fannie, +although she is all broke up about that one-eyed feller, she says I +should give the young feller a show. What d'ye think of that, hey?" + +"Terrible!" Levy replied. "A feller like that deserves all he gets, and +you can bet yer sweet life he won't have any let-up from me, Mr. +Goldblatt." + +Levy was as good as his word, for that very afternoon he filed a notice +of pendency of action against the Heidenfeld Avenue property, and the +next morning, as Philip left his house, a clerk from Levy's office +served him with four copies of the summons and complaint in the +foreclosure suit of Goldblatt vs. Margolius, actions numbers 1, 2, 3 +and 4. But Philip stuffed them into his pocket unread; he had other and +more poignant woes than foreclosure suits. Only ten days wed, and he was +denied even the sight of his wife longer than five minutes; for she was +not endangering future prospects in favour of present happiness. + +"We could, anyway, get the furniture out of him," she argued when she +saw Philip that day, "and, maybe, a couple of thousand dollars." + +"I don't care a pinch of snuff for his furniture," Philip cried. "I will +buy the furniture myself." + +"But I can't leave Fannie just now," she declared; "she's all broke up +about that feller." + +"What about me?" Philip protested. "Ain't I broke up, too?" + +"So long you waited, you could wait a little longer yet," she replied; +"but poor Fannie, you got no idea how that girl takes on." + +"She shouldn't worry," Philip cried. "I promised I would fix her up, and +I will fix her up." + +Daily the same scene was enacted at the Goldblatt residence on One +Hundred and Eighteenth Street, and daily Birdie refused to forsake her +sister, until six weeks had elapsed. + +"But, Birdie," Philip announced for the hundredth time, "so sure as you +stand there I couldn't keep this up no longer. I will either go crazy or +either I will jump in the river." + +Birdie patted him on the back. + +"Don't think about it," she said. "Take your mind off it. To-day your +property gets sold and Popper says he will be down at the salesroom at +twelve o'clock." + +"Let 'em sell it," Philip cried; "I don't care." + +He turned away after a hurried embrace, and was proceeding down Lenox +Avenue toward the subway when Marks Henochstein, the real-estate broker, +encountered him. Marks clutched him by the shoulder. + +"Well, Philip," Henochstein cried, "you are in luck at last." + +"In luck!" Philip exclaimed bitterly. "A dawg shouldn't have the luck +what I got it." + +"Well, if you don't call it lucky," Henochstein continued, "what would +you call it lucky?" + +"Excuse me, Henochstein," said Philip; "I ain't good at guessing +puzzles. What am I lucky for?" + +"Why, ain't you heard it yet?" + +"I ain't heard nothing," Philip replied. "Do me the favour and don't +keep me on suspension." + +"Why, the city is going to widen Two Hundred and Sixty-fourth Street in +front of them houses of yours, and you will get damages. Oi! what +damages you will get!" + +Philip stared blankly at his informant for one hesitating moment; then +he dashed off for the nearest subway station. + +Half an hour later he sat in the office of Henry D. Feldman and gasped +out his story. + +"In three quarters of an hour, Mr. Feldman," he cried, "that property +will be sold, and, if it is, the feller what buys it will get damages +for the street opening and I will get nix." + +"This is a fine time to tell me about it, Margolius," Feldman said. "You +came in here six weeks ago and asked me to help you out, and I haven't +seen you since. The time to do something was six weeks ago. Why didn't +you come back to see me before the suit was started?" + +"Because I was busy, Mr. Feldman," Margolius replied. "A whole lot of +things happened to me about that time. In the first place, the next day +after I saw you I got married." + +"What!" Feldman exclaimed, "you got married? Well, Margolius, you +recovered pretty quickly from that affair with Birdie Goldblatt." + +Margolius stared gloomily at his attorney. + +"What d'ye mean I recover from it?" he echoed. "I didn't recover from +it, Mr. Feldman. That's who I married--Miss Birdie Goldblatt." + +Feldman sat back in his chair. + +"Well, of all the unfatherly brutes," he said, "to shut down on his own +daughter's husband!" + +"Hold on there, Mr. Feldman," Philip interrupted; "he don't know he's +shutting down on his daughter's husband, because we was secretly +married, y' understand? And even to-day yet the old man don't know +nothing about it." + +"What do you mean?" Feldman asked. "Why wouldn't he know his own +daughter was married?" + +"Because she's living home yet," Philip replied, and "I can't persuade +her to go housekeeping, neither." + +Feldman frowned for a moment and then he struck the desk with his fist. + +"By jiminy!" he shouted, "you've got the old man by the whiskers!" + +It was now Philip's turn to ask what Feldman meant. + +"Why," the latter explained, "your wife's inchoate right of dower is +still outstanding." + +"That's where you make a big mistake, Mr. Feldman," Philip corrected. +"My Birdie is a neat dresser and never so much as a pin out of place." + +"You don't understand," Feldman continued. "As soon as Birdie and you +got married she took an interest in your property." + +"Sure she took an interest in my property," Philip assented. "Why, if it +wouldn't be for her I wouldn't know nothing about this here sale +to-day." + +"But I mean that as soon as she married you she became vested with the +right to receive the rents of a third of that property during her +lifetime as soon as you died," said Feldman. + +"Well, we won't worry about that," Philip said with a deprecatory wave +of his hand, "because, in the first place, that property is pretty near +vacant and don't bring in enough rents to pay the taxes, and, in the +second place, I'm still good and healthy and I wouldn't die for a long +time yet." + +"Oh, what's the use!" Feldman cried. "What I mean is that they can't +foreclose those second mortgages unless they make Birdie a party to the +suit and serve her with the summons; so, all you have to do to stop the +sale is to go down to the salesroom and, when the auctioneer starts to +ask for bids, get up and tell 'em all about it. Why, they'll have to +begin their suit all over again." + +"But," Philip protested, "if I tell 'em all about it the old man will +throw Birdie out of the house." + +"Hold on!" Feldman broke in. "You mustn't tell them you're married to +Birdie. Just tell them you're married, and let them find out your wife's +name for themselves. Although, to be sure, that won't take long, for the +record of marriage licenses at the city hall will show it." + +"License nothing!" Philip cried. "We didn't get no license at the city +hall. We got married by a justice of the peace in Jersey City." + +"Fine!" Feldman exclaimed, his professional ethics thrown to the winds. +"That'll keep 'em guessing as long as you want." + +"All I want is a month, and by that time I can raise the money and fix +the whole thing up," Margolius replied. + +Feldman looked at his watch. + +"Chase yourself," he said; "it's a quarter of twelve, and the +foreclosure sale begins at noon." + + + + +VI + + +On the rostrum of an auctioneer in the Vesey Street salesroom stood +Eleazer Levy in weighty conversation with Miles M. Scully, the referee +in foreclosure. Scully's brow was furrowed into a thousand earned +wrinkles, and the little knot of real-estate brokers who regularly +attend foreclosure sales gazed reverently on the two advocates. + +"And here was this guy," Levy concluded, "with nothing but a pair of +sixes all the time." + +"But in a table-stakes game," Scully murmured, "you make a sight more if +you don't butt into every pot. If you think you're topped lay 'em down. +That's what I do, and it pays." + +They were waiting for the auctioneer to appear, and Goldblatt hung +around the edge of the crowd and gazed anxiously at them. He had heard +that morning of the proposed street widening and wanted the sale to go +through without a hitch. At length the auctioneer arrived and the clerk +read off the notice of sale in a monotonous gabble just as Philip +elbowed his way through the crowd. + +"Now, then, gentlemen," the auctioneer announced pompously, "the four +parcels will be sold separately. Each is subject to a first mortgage of +twenty thousand dollars and is otherwise free and clear except the +taxes. The amount of taxes is----" + +"Hey, there!" Philip cried at this juncture. "I got something to say, +too." + +The auctioneer paused and fixed Philip with what was intended to be a +withering look. + +"Put that man out!" the auctioneer called to one of the attendants. + +"You could put me out," Philip yelled, "if you want to, but you couldn't +put my wife out, because she ain't been served with the summons and +complaint in the first place, and she ain't here in the second place." + +Goldblatt turned pale and started for the rostrum, while the auctioneer +motioned the attendant to hold off for a minute. + +"Is he a married man?" the auctioneer asked Levy. + +"He's a faker," Levy replied. "Go ahead with the sale." + +"Am I a faker?" Philip yelled, holding up his left hand. "Well, look at +that there ring." + +He pulled it off with an effort and handed it to the auctioneer. + +"Look inside," he said. And, sure enough, the inner side bore the +inscription: "B. G. to P. M., 10-20-'09." Goldblatt looked at it, too; +but B. G. meant nothing to him and he handed it back to the auctioneer. + +"That's only a scheme what he's trying to work it," he said. "Give him +back the ring and go ahead with the sale." + +"One moment," said Miles M. Scully. "I'm the referee here, and I ain't +going to take no such chance as that. I'm going to adjoin this here sale +one week and investigate what this here guy says in the meantime." + +Forthwith, the auctioneer announced a week's adjournment of the four +sales, and Philip resumed his wedding ring with a parting diabolical +grin at Goldblatt, and left the auction-room. He went to the nearest +telephone pay station and rang up the Goldblatt residence, but for over +half an hour he received only Central's assurance that as soon as there +was an answer she would call him. + +"But, Central," he protested, "there's got to be somebody there. They +can't all be out." + +And Philip was right. There were two people sitting in the front parlour +of the Goldblatt residence, and another and more interested person +stooped in the back parlour, with her ear to the crack of the sliding +doors which divided the two rooms. The telephone bell trilled +impatiently at brief intervals, but all three were oblivious to its +appeal; for the two persons in the front parlour were engaged in +conversation of an earnest character, and the person in the rear room +would not have missed a word of it for all the telephones in the world. + +"Yes, Fannie," said one of the two persons, "I come back to you, anyhow, +and I come back for good." + +He placed his arms around her ample waist. + +"I assure you, Fannie," he concluded, "them dollar-a-day American-plan +hotels in the northern-tier counties is nothing but poison to a feller. +I am pretty near starved." + +"Why didn't you say so at first?" Fannie replied, rising from the couch +where she had been sitting with Feigenbaum. "I got some fine _gefuellte +Fische_ in the ice-box." + +Whereupon Birdie answered the 'phone. + +"Hallo!" came a voice from the other end of the wire. "Where was you all +the time? I got some good news for you." + +"I've got some good news for you, too," Birdie replied. "Fannie and Mr. +Feigenbaum are engaged." + + + + +VII + + +Elkan Goldblatt usually arrived home at seven o'clock to find his dinner +smoking on the table. His daughter Fannie always attended to the +carving, but on the night of the foreclosure sale it was Birdie who +presided at the head of the board. + +"Where's Fannie?" he asked. + +"She went out to dinner," Birdie explained. + +Elkan nodded and lapsed into gloomy silence. + +"What's the matter now?" Birdie inquired. + +"That lowlife Margolius," he said, "what do you think from that loafer? +He goes to work and gets married." + +Birdie gasped and turned white, all of which her father mistook for +symptoms of astonishment. + +"Ain't that a loafer for you?" he continued. "All the time he hangs +around here, and then he goes to work and gets married." + +"Who did he marry?" Birdie asked innocently. + +"A question!" Goldblatt exclaimed. "Who can tell it who a lowlife like +him would marry?" + +Birdie tossed her head. + +"He ain't no lowlife just because he gets married," she retorted. +"What's more, any girl would be glad to get a good-looking, decent young +feller like Philip Margolius." + +Goldblatt laid down his knife and fork. + +"You are crazy in the head," he said. "Why should you stick up for a +young feller what comes around here and upsets my whole house? _You_ I +don't care about, because you could always get a husband; but +Fannie--that's different again. It ain't enough for that loafer that he +disappointed her himself, but he also got to bring around here that +one-eyed feller--another such lowlife as Margolius--and he also +disappoints Fannie. That feller Margolius is a dawg, Birdie, believe +me." + +Birdie rose from her seat and threw her napkin on to the floor. + +"I won't sit here and listen to such talk," she cried and ran out of the +room. For a moment Goldblatt essayed to finish his dinner, and then he, +too, rose and followed Birdie. He found her weeping on the parlour +lounge. + +"Birdie!" he cried. "Birdiechen, what are you taking on so for?" + +"I won't have you say such things about Ph-Ph--Feigenbaum," she sobbed. + +"Why not?" he asked. + +"Because Mr. Feigenbaum came here this afternoon and proposed to +Fannie," she explained to her father, "and they're downtown now getting +the ring from a friend of his what keeps a jewellery store on Grand +Street." + +Goldblatt sat down heavily on the lounge and wiped his forehead. For ten +minutes he sat motionless in the shrouded gloom of that front parlour +before he could realize his daughter's good fortune. + +"After all," he said finally, "when a feller's got six stores you could +easy excuse him one eye." + +"You ought to be ashamed to talk that way," Birdie cried. "Mr. +Feigenbaum is a decent business man, and if it wouldn't be for +Philip--Philip Margolius--Fannie would of lived and died an old maid." + +At this juncture came a ring at the bell and the sound of voices in the +hall. It was Fannie and her fiance, who had returned from Grand Street, +and the next moment Goldblatt clasped his affianced daughter in his arms +and bestowed on her great kisses that fairly resounded down the block. +Next he grabbed Feigenbaum's hand and shook it up and down. + +"The happiest day what I ever lived," he cried, slapping his new +son-in-law on the back. For almost a quarter of an hour Fannie and +Birdie mingled their tears with their father's embraces, and in the +midst of the excitement the bell rang again. When the maid opened the +street door some one inquired for Mr. Goldblatt in a barytone voice +whose familiar timbre chilled into silence the joyful uproar. + +"Margolius!" Goldblatt hissed. He started for the hall with blood in his +eye, when Feigenbaum seized him by the arm. + +"Mr. Goldblatt," he said, "for my sake don't make no fuss with +Margolius. He's a friend of mine, and if it wouldn't be for him Fannie +and me would never of met already." + +As Philip entered the darkened front parlour there was a silence so +profound that he believed the room to be empty. + +"Excuse me," he cried when he recognized the assembled company. "I +thought Mr. Goldblatt was alone." + +He turned to his father-in-law. + +"Mr. Goldblatt, could I speak to you for a minute by yourself?" he +asked. + +Goldblatt coughed impressively. + +"Margolius," he announced, "if you got anything to say to me, say it +right here. I ain't got no private business with you." + +"All right," Philip replied cheerfully. "I come here to ask you how much +would you take it for them second mortgages what you hold on my Two +Hundred and Sixty-fourth Street property?" + +Goldblatt waved his hand haughtily. + +"You come to the wrong party, Margolius," he said. "Because I just made +up my mind to something. I made up my mind that because Mr. Feigenbaum +is engaged to my Fannie I will give her them mortgages as a marriage +portion. So you should ask Feigenbaum that question, not me." + +While Philip turned pale at this announcement, Feigenbaum grew +positively crimson. + +"Looky here, Goldblatt," he protested to his proposed father-in-law; "I +don't want you should unload them second mortgages on me." + +"What's the matter with you, Feigenbaum?" Goldblatt retorted. "Them +second mortgages is as good as gold. Only thing is they got to be +foreclosed against Margolius' wife." + +"His wife!" Feigenbaum and Fannie cried with one voice, for Birdie had +kept her secret well. + +"Yes," Goldblatt replied, "his wife. That lowlife has got a wife. But +who or what she is nobody don't know." + +"Hold on, Goldblatt!" cried a voice from the hall. "There's somebody +that does know." + +The next moment a short, stout person entered the parlour. It was +Eleazer Levy, who had rung the bell and had been admitted to the house +unnoticed. + +"Yes, Margolius," he said, "you thought you could fool an old +practitioner like me. I seen you didn't get out no license in this +county, so I hiked over to Jersey City and, sure enough, I spotted you." + +He turned to Birdie. + +"Mrs. Margolius," he said, "here's four copies of the supplemental +summons and amended complaint in the foreclosure suits of Goldblatt vs. +Margolius, actions numbers 1, 2, 3 and 4." + +"What do you mean?" Goldblatt cried. + +"I mean," Levy answered, "that your daughter Birdie married Philip +Margolius in Jersey City on the twentieth of October last." + +Elkan Goldblatt collapsed in the nearest chair, while Feigenbaum ran +downstairs for the bottle of schnapps. At length Goldblatt was restored. + +"So, Margolius," he croaked, "you are a thief, too. You steal my +daughter on me?" + +"That ain't here nor there," Margolius said with his arm around +Birdie's waist and her head on his shoulder. "That ain't here nor there. +How much will you take it now for a satisfaction piece of them +mortgages?" + +Goldblatt looked at Feigenbaum, who returned his glance unmoved. + +"For a marriage portion," Feigenbaum declared, "second mortgages is +nix." + +There was an embarrassing silence, and finally Goldblatt cleared his +throat. + +"All right, Margolius," he said; "you married my Birdie, and I suppose I +got to stand for it, so you can take them four second mortgages and keep +'em as a marriage portion yourself." + +Birdie seized her father around the neck and kissed him on the ear. + +"Then we are forgiven? Ain't it?" she cried. + +"Sure you are forgiven," Goldblatt said. "Only, Margolius has got to pay +Levy's costs and disbursements." + +"And the referee's fees and the auctioneer's fees," Levy added. + +"I am agreeable," Philip replied. + +Levy turned and beamed a benediction on his client's reunited family. "I +wish you all joy," he said. + +THE END. + + +THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESS GARDEN CITY, N. Y. + + + * * * * * + + Transcriber Notes: + + Obvious punctuation errors have been repaired. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Object: matrimony, by Montague Glass + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OBJECT: MATRIMONY *** + +***** This file should be named 37360.txt or 37360.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/3/6/37360/ + +Produced by Dianna Adair, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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