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diff --git a/old/thnsp10.txt b/old/thnsp10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e01527d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/thnsp10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5453 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Inspector-General +by Nicolay Gogol +(#8 in our series by Nicolay Gogol) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.07/27/01*END* + + + + + + + + + + + +Produced by Judy Boss. + + + + + +The +Inspector-General + +A comedy in five acts translated by +Thomas Seltzer from the Russian of + +Nicolay +Gogol + + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + + + +The Inspector-General is a national institution. To +place a purely literary valuation upon it and call it the +greatest of Russian comedies would not convey the significance +of its position either in Russian literature or in +Russian life itself. There is no other single work in the +modern literature of any language that carries with it +the wealth of associations which the Inspector-General +does to the educated Russian. The Germans have their +Faust; but Faust is a tragedy with a cosmic philosophic +theme. In England it takes nearly all that is implied in +the comprehensive name of Shakespeare to give the same +sense of bigness that a Russian gets from the mention +of the Revizor. + +That is not to say that the Russian is so defective in +the critical faculty as to balance the combined creative +output of the greatest English dramatist against Gogol's +one comedy, or even to attribute to it the literary value +of any of Shakespeare's better plays. What the Russian's +appreciation indicates is the pregnant role that +literature plays in the life of intellectual Russia. Here +literature is not a luxury, not a diversion. It is bone +of the bone, flesh of the flesh, not only of the intelligentsia, +but also of a growing number of the common +people, intimately woven into their everyday existence, +part and parcel of their thoughts, their aspirations, their +social, political and economic life. It expresses their +collective wrongs and sorrows, their collective hopes and +strivings. Not only does it serve to lead the movements +of the masses, but it is an integral component element of +those movements. In a word, Russian literature is completely +bound up with the life of Russian society, and its +vitality is but the measure of the spiritual vitality of that +society. + +This unique character of Russian literature may be +said to have had its beginning with the Inspector-General. +Before Gogol most Russian writers, with few exceptions, +were but weak imitators of foreign models. +The drama fashioned itself chiefly upon French patterns. +The Inspector-General and later Gogol's novel, Dead +Souls, established that tradition in Russian letters which +was followed by all the great writers from Dostoyevsky +down to Gorky. + +As with one blow, Gogol shattered the notions of the +theatre-going public of his day of what a comedy should +be. The ordinary idea of a play at that time in Russia +seems to have been a little like our own tired business +man's. And the shock the Revizor gave those early +nineteenth-century Russian audiences is not unlike the +shocks we ourselves get when once in a while a theatrical +manager is courageous enough to produce a bold modern +European play. Only the intensity of the shock was +much greater. For Gogol dared not only bid defiance +to the accepted method; he dared to introduce a subject-matter +that under the guise of humor audaciously attacked +the very foundation of the state, namely, the +officialdom of the Russian bureaucracy. That is why +the Revizor marks such a revolution in the world of Russian +letters. In form it was realistic, in substance it was +vital. It showed up the rottenness and corruption of the +instruments through which the Russian government functioned. +It held up to ridicule, directly, all the officials +of a typical Russian municipality, and, indirectly, pointed +to the same system of graft and corruption among the +very highest servants of the crown. + +What wonder that the Inspector-General became a sort +of comedy-epic in the land of the Czars, the land where +each petty town-governor is almost an absolute despot, +regulating his persecutions and extortions according to +the sage saying of the town-governor in the play, "That's +the way God made the world, and the Voltairean free-thinkers +can talk against it all they like, it won't do any +good." Every subordinate in the town administration, +all the way down the line to the policemen, follow--not +always so scrupulously--the law laid down by the same +authority, "Graft no higher than your rank." As in +city and town, so in village and hamlet. It is the tragedy +of Russian life, which has its roots in that more comprehensive +tragedy, Russian despotism, the despotism that +gives the sharp edge to official corruption. For there is +no possible redress from it except in violent revolutions. + +That is the prime reason why the Inspector-General, +a mere comedy, has such a hold on the Russian people +and occupies so important a place in Russian literature. +And that is why a Russian critic says, "Russia possesses +only one comedy, the Inspector-General." + +The second reason is the brilliancy and originality +with which this national theme was executed. Gogol +was above all else the artist. He was not a radical, nor +even a liberal. He was strictly conservative. While +hating the bureaucracy, yet he never found fault with +the system itself or with the autocracy. Like most born +artists, he was strongly individualistic in temperament, +and his satire and ridicule were aimed not at causes, but +at effects. Let but the individuals act morally, and the +system, which Gogol never questioned, would work beautifully. +This conception caused Gogol to concentrate +his best efforts upon delineation of character. It was +the characters that were to be revealed, their actions to +be held up to scorn and ridicule, not the conditions which +created the characters and made them act as they did. +If any lesson at all was to be drawn from the play it was +not a sociological lesson, but a moral one. The individual +who sees himself mirrored in it may be moved to +self-purgation; society has nothing to learn from it. + +Yet the play lives because of the social message it +carries. The creation proved greater than the creator. +The author of the Revizor was a poor critic of his own +work. The Russian people rejected his estimate and +put their own upon it. They knew their officials and +they entertained no illusions concerning their regeneration +so long as the system that bred them continued to +live. Nevertheless, as a keen satire and a striking exposition +of the workings of the hated system itself, they +hailed the Revizor with delight. And as such it has remained +graven in Russia's conscience to this day. + +It must be said that "Gogol himself grew with the +writing of the Revizor." Always a careful craftsman, +scarcely ever satisfied with the first version of a story or +a play, continually changing and rewriting, he seems to +have bestowed special attention on perfecting this comedy. +The subject, like that of Dead Souls, was suggested +to him by the poet Pushkin, and was based on a +true incident. Pushkin at once recognized Gogol's +genius and looked upon the young author as the rising +star of Russian literature. Their acquaintance soon +ripened into intimate friendship, and Pushkin missed no +opportunity to encourage and stimulate him in his writings +and help him with all the power of his great influence. +Gogol began to work on the play at the close of +1834, when he was twenty-five years old. It was first +produced in St. Petersburg, in 1836. Despite the many +elaborations it had undergone before Gogol permitted it +to be put on the stage, he still did not feel satisfied, and +he began to work on it again in 1838. It was not +brought down to its present final form until 1842. + +Thus the Revizor occupied the mind of the author over +a period of eight years, and resulted in a product which +from the point of view of characterization and dramatic +technique is almost flawless. Yet far more important is +the fact that the play marked an epoch in Gogol's own +literary development. When he began on it, his ambitions +did not rise above making it a comedy of pure +fun, but, gradually, in the course of his working on it, +the possibilities of the subject unfolded themselves and +influenced his entire subsequent career. His art broadened +and deepened and grew more serious. If Pushkin's +remark, that "behind his laughter you feel the sad +tears," is true of some of Gogol's former productions, it +is still truer of the Revizor and his later works. + +A new life had begun for him, he tells us himself, +when he was no longer "moved by childish notions, but +by lofty ideas full of truth." "It was Pushkin," he +writes, "who made me look at the thing seriously. I saw +that in my writings I laughed vainly, for nothing, myself +not knowing why. If I was to laugh, then I had better +laugh over things that are really to be laughed at. In +the Inspector-General I resolved to gather together all +the bad in Russia I then knew into one heap, all the injustice +that was practised in those places and in those +human relations in which more than in anything justice +is demanded of men, and to have one big laugh over it +all. But that, as is well known, produced an outburst +of excitement. Through my laughter, which never before +came to me with such force, the reader sensed profound +sorrow. I myself felt that my laughter was no +longer the same as it had been, that in my writings I +could no longer be the same as in the past, and that the +need to divert myself with innocent, careless scenes had +ended along with my young years." + +With the strict censorship that existed in the reign +of Czar Nicholas I, it required powerful influence to +obtain permission for the production of the comedy. +This Gogol received through the instrumentality of his +friend, Zhukovsky, who succeeded in gaining the Czar's +personal intercession. Nicholas himself was present at +the first production in April, 1836, and laughed and applauded, +and is said to have remarked, "Everybody gets +it, and I most of all." + +Naturally official Russia did not relish this innovation +in dramatic art, and indignation ran high among them +and their supporters. Bulgarin led the attack. Everything +that is usually said against a new departure in +literature or art was said against the Revizor. It was +not original. It was improbable, impossible, coarse, vulgar; +lacked plot. It turned on a stale anecdote that +everybody knew. It was a rank farce. The characters +were mere caricatures. "What sort of a town was it +that did not hold a single honest soul?" + +Gogol's sensitive nature shrank before the tempest +that burst upon him, and he fled from his enemies all the +way out of Russia. "Do what you please about presenting +the play in Moscow," he writes to Shchepkin +four days after its first production in St. Petersburg. +"I am not going to bother about it. I am sick of the +play and all the fussing over it. It produced a great +noisy effect. All are against me . . . they abuse me +and go to see it. No tickets can be obtained for the +fourth performance." + +But the best literary talent of Russia, with Pushkin +and Bielinsky, the greatest critic Russia has produced, at +the head, ranged itself on his side. + +Nicolay Vasilyevich Gogol was born in Sorochintzy, +government of Poltava, in 1809. His father was a Little +Russian, or Ukrainian, landowner, who exhibited considerable +talent as a playwright and actor. Gogol was +educated at home until the age of ten, then went to +Niezhin, where he entered the gymnasium in 1821. +Here he edited a students' manuscript magazine called +the Star, and later founded a students' theatre, for which +he was both manager and actor. It achieved such success +that it was patronized by the general public. + +In 1829 Gogol went to St. Petersburg, where he +thought of becoming an actor, but he finally gave up the +idea and took a position as a subordinate government +clerk. His real literary career began in 1830 with the +publication of a series of stories of Little Russian country +life called Nights on a Farm near Dikanka. In 1831 +he became acquainted with Pushkin and Zhukovsky, who +introduced the "shy Khokhol" (nickname for "Little +Russian"), as he was called, to the house of Madame +O. A. Smirnov, the centre of "an intimate circle of literary +men and the flower of intellectual society." The +same year he obtained a position as instructor of history +at the Patriotic Institute, and in 1834 was made professor +of history at the University of St. Petersburg. +Though his lectures were marked by originality and +vivid presentation, he seems on the whole not to have +been successful as a professor, and he resigned in +1835. + +During this period he kept up his literary activity +uninterruptedly, and in 1835 published his collection of +stories, Mirgorod, containing How Ivan Ivanovich Quarreled +with Ivan Nikiforovich, Taras Bulba, and others. +This collection firmly established his position as a leading +author. At the same time he was at work on several +plays. The Vladimir Cross, which was to deal with the +higher St. Petersburg functionaries in the same way as +the Revizor with the lesser town officials, was never concluded, +as Gogol realized the impossibility of placing +them on the Russian stage. A few strong scenes were +published. The comedy Marriage, finished in 1835, still +finds a place in the Russian theatrical repertoire. The +Gamblers, his only other complete comedy, belongs to a +later period. + +After a stay abroad, chiefly in Italy, lasting with some +interruptions for seven years (1836-1841), he returned +to his native country, bringing with him the first part of +his greatest work, Dead Souls. The novel, published +the following year, produced a profound impression and +made Gogol's literary reputation supreme. Pushkin, +who did not live to see its publication, on hearing the +first chapters read, exclaimed, "God, how sad our Russia +is!" And Alexander Hertzen characterized it as "a +wonderful book, a bitter, but not hopeless rebuke of contemporary +Russia." Aksakov went so far as to call it +the Russian national epic, and Gogol the Russian Homer. + +Unfortunately the novel remained incomplete. Gogol +began to suffer from a nervous illness which induced +extreme hypochondria. He became excessively religious, +fell under the influence of pietists and a fanatical priest, +sank more and more into mysticism, and went on a pilgrimage +to Jerusalem to worship at the Holy Sepulchre. +In this state of mind he came to consider all literature, +including his own, as pernicious and sinful. + +After burning the manuscript of the second part of +Dead Souls, he began to rewrite it, had it completed and +ready for the press by 1851, but kept the copy and +burned it again a few days before his death (1852), so +that it is extant only in parts. + +THOMAS SELTZER. + + + + + +CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY + + + + +ANTON ANTONOVICH SKVOZNIK-DMUKHANOVSKY, the +Governor. +ANNA ANDREYEVNA, his wife. +MARYA ANTONOVNA, his daughter. +LUKA LUKICH KHLOPOV, the Inspector of Schools. +His Wife. +AMMOS FIODOROVICH LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN, the Judge. +ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH ZEMLIANIKA, the Superintendent of +Charities. +IVAN KUZMICH SHPEKIN, the Postmaster. +PIOTR IVANOVICH DOBCHINSKY. } +PIOTR IVANOVICH BOBCHINSKY. } Country Squires. +IVAN ALEKSANDROVICH KHLESTAKOV, an official from St. +Petersburg. +OSIP, his servant. +CHRISTIAN IVANOVICH HÜBNER, the district Doctor. + +FIODR ANDREYEVICH LlULIUKOV. } ex-officials, + }esteemed +IVAN LAZAREVICH RASTAKOVSKY. }personages +STEPAN IVANOVICH KOROBKIN. }of the town. +STEPAN ILYICH UKHOVERTOV, the Police Captain. +SVISTUNOV. } +PUGOVITZYN. }Police Sergeants. +DERZHIMORDA. } +ABDULIN, a Merchant. +FEVRONYA PETROVA POSHLIOPKINA, the Locksmith's wife. +The Widow of a non-commissioned Officer. +MISHKA, the Governor's Servant. +Servant at the Inn. +Guests, Merchants, Citizens, and Petitioners. + + + + + +CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES + + + + +DIRECTIONS FOR ACTORS + + +THE GOVERNOR.--A man grown old in the service, by +no means a fool in his own way. Though he takes +bribes, he carries himself with dignity. He is of a +rather serious turn and even given somewhat to ratiocination. +He speaks in a voice neither too loud +nor too low and says neither too much nor too little. +Every word of his counts. He has the typical hard +stern features of the official who has worked his way +up from the lowest rank in the arduous government +service. Coarse in his inclinations, he passes +rapidly from fear to joy, from servility to arrogance. +He is dressed in uniform with frogs and wears +Hessian boots with spurs. His hair with a sprinkling +of gray is close-cropped. + +ANNA ANDREYEVNA.--A provincial coquette, still this +side of middle age, educated on novels and albums +and on fussing with household affairs and servants. +She is highly inquisitive and has streaks of vanity. +Sometimes she gets the upper hand over her husband, +and he gives in simply because at the moment +he cannot find the right thing to say. Her +ascendency, however, is confined to mere trifles and +takes the form of lecturing and twitting. She +changes her dress four times in the course of the +play. + +KHLESTAKOV.--A skinny young man of about twenty-three, +rather stupid, being, as they say, "without a +czar in his head," one of those persons called an +"empty vessel" in the government offices. He +speaks and acts without stopping to think and utterly +lacks the power of concentration. The words burst +from his mouth unexpectedly. The more naiveté +and ingenousness the actor puts into the character +the better will he sustain the role. Khlestakov is +dressed in the latest fashion. + +OSIP.--A typical middle-aged servant, grave in his address, +with eyes always a bit lowered. He is argumentative +and loves to read sermons directed at his +master. His voice is usually monotonous. To his +master his tone is blunt and sharp, with even a touch +of rudeness. He is the cleverer of the two and +grasps a situation more quickly. But he does not +like to talk. He is a silent, uncommunicative rascal. +He wears a shabby gray or blue coat. + +BOBCHINSKY AND DOBCHINSKY.--Short little fellows, +strikingly like each other. Both have small +paunches, and talk rapidly, with emphatic gestures +of their hands, features and bodies. Dobchinsky is +slightly the taller and more subdued in manner. +Bobchinsky is freer, easier and livelier. They are +both exceedingly inquisitive. + +LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN.--He has read four or five books and +so is a bit of a freethinker. He is always seeing a +hidden meaning in things and therefore puts weight +into every word he utters. The actor should preserve +an expression of importance throughout. He +speaks in a bass voice, with a prolonged rattle and +wheeze in his throat, like an old-fashioned clock, +which buzzes before it strikes. + +ZEMLIANIKA.--Very fat, slow and awkward; but for all +that a sly, cunning scoundrel. He is very obliging +and officious. + +SHPEKIN.--Guileless to the point of simplemindedness. +The other characters require no special explanation, +as their originals can be met almost anywhere. + +The actors should pay especial attention to the last +scene. The last word uttered must strike all at once, +suddenly, like an electric shock. The whole group should +change its position at the same instant. The ladies must +all burst into a simultaneous cry of astonishment, as if +with one throat. The neglect of these directions may +ruin the whole effect. + + + + + +THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL + + + + + +ACT I + +A Room in the Governor's House. + + + +SCENE I + + +Anton Antonovich, the Governor, Artemy Filippovich, +the Superintendent of Charities, Luka Lukich, the Inspector +of Schools, Ammos Fiodorovich, the Judge, +Stepan Ilyich, Christian Ivanovich, the Doctor, and two +Police Sergeants. + +GOVERNOR. I have called you together, gentlemen, to +tell you an unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector-General +is coming. + +AMMOS FIOD. What, an Inspector-General? + +ARTEMY FIL. What, an Inspector-General? + +GOVERNOR. Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, +incognito. And with secret instructions, too. + +AMMOS. A pretty how-do-you-do! + +ARTEMY. As if we hadn't enough trouble without an +Inspector! + +LUKA LUKICH. Good Lord! With secret instructions! + +GOVERNOR. I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last +night I kept dreaming of two rats--regular monsters! +Upon my word, I never saw the likes of them--black +and supernaturally big. They came in, sniffed, and then +went away.-- Here's a letter I'll read to you--from +Andrey Ivanovich. You know him, Artemy Filippovich. +Listen to what he writes: "My dear friend, godfather +and benefactor--[He mumbles, glancing rapidly down +the page.]--and to let you know"-- Ah, that's it-- +"I hasten to let you know, among other things, that an +official has arrived here with instructions to inspect the +whole government, and your district especially. [Raises +his finger significantly.] I have learned of his being +here from highly trustworthy sources, though he pretends +to be a private person. So, as you have your little peccadilloes, +you know, like everybody else--you are a +sensible man, and you don't let the good things that come +your way slip by--" [Stopping] H'm, that's his junk +--"I advise you to take precautions, as he may arrive +any hour, if he hasn't already, and is not staying somewhere +incognito. --Yesterday--" The rest are family +matters. "Sister Anna Krillovna is here visiting us +with her husband. Ivan Krillovich has grown very fat +and is always playing the fiddle"--et cetera, et cetera. +So there you have the situation we are confronted with, +gentlemen. + +AMMOS. An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary! +Something behind it, I am sure. + +LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich? What for? +Why should we have an Inspector? + +GOVERNOR. It's fate, I suppose. [Sighs.] Till now, +thank goodness, they have been nosing about in other +towns. Now our turn has come. + +AMMOS. My opinion is, Anton Antonovich, that the +cause is a deep one and rather political in character. It +means this, that Russia--yes--that Russia intends to +go to war, and the Government has secretly commissioned +an official to find out if there is any treasonable activity +anywhere. + +GOVERNOR. The wise man has hit on the very thing. +Treason in this little country town! As if it were on +the frontier! Why, you might gallop three years away +from here and reach nowhere. + +AMMOS. No, you don't catch on--you don't-- The +Government is shrewd. It makes no difference that our +town is so remote. The Government is on the look-out +all the same-- + +GOVERNOR [cutting him short]. On the look-out, or +not on the look-out, anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you +warning. I have made some arrangements for myself, +and I advise you to do the same. You especially, Artemy +Filippovich. This official, no doubt, will want first of all +to inspect your department. So you had better see to it +that everything is in order, that the night-caps are clean, +and the patients don't go about as they usually do, looking +as grimy as blacksmiths. + +ARTEMY. Oh, that's a small matter. We can get +night-caps easily enough. + +GOVERNOR. And over each bed you might hang up a +placard stating in Latin or some other language--that's +your end of it, Christian Ivanovich--the name of the +disease, when the patient fell ill, the day of the week and +the month. And I don't like your invalids to be smoking +such strong tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you +come in. It would be better, too, if there weren't so +many of them. If there are a large number, it will instantly +be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent +medical treatment. + +ARTEMY. Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich +and I have worked out our own system. Our rule is: +the nearer to nature the better. We use no expensive +medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he'd +die anyway. If he gets well, he'd get well anyway. +Besides, the doctor would have a hard time making the +patients understand him. He doesn't know a word of +Russian. + +The Doctor gives forth a sound intermediate between +M and A. + +GOVERNOR. And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better +look to the courthouse. The attendants have turned the +entrance hall where the petitioners usually wait into a +poultry yard, and the geese and goslings go poking their +beaks between people's legs. Of course, setting up +housekeeping is commendable, and there is no reason +why a porter shouldn't do it. Only, you see, the courthouse +is not exactly the place for it. I had meant to tell +you so before, but somehow it escaped my memory. + +AMMOS. Well, I'll have them all taken into the kitchen +to-day. Will you come and dine with me? + +GOVERNOR. Then, too, it isn't right to have the courtroom +littered up with all sorts of rubbish--to have a +hunting-crop lying right among the papers on your desk. +You're fond of sport, I know, still it's better to have +the crop removed for the present. When the Inspector +is gone, you may put it back again. As for your assessor, +he's an educated man, to be sure, but he reeks of +spirits, as if he had just emerged from a distillery. +That's not right either. I had meant to tell you so long +ago, but something or other drove the thing out of my +mind. If his odor is really a congenital defect, as he +says, then there are ways of remedying it. You might +advise him to eat onion or garlic, or something of the +sort. Christian Ivanovich can help him out with some of +his nostrums. + +The Doctor makes the same sound as before. + +AMMOS. No, there's no cure for it. He says his nurse +struck him when he was a child, and ever since he has +smelt of vodka. + +GOVERNOR. Well, I just wanted to call your attention +to it. As regards the internal administration and what +Andrey Ivanovich in his letter calls "little peccadilloes," +I have nothing to say. Why, of course, there isn't a man +living who hasn't some sins to answer for. That's the +way God made the world, and the Voltairean freethinkers +can talk against it all they like, it won't do any good. + +AMMOS. What do you mean by sins? Anton Antonovich? +There are sins and sins. I tell everyone plainly +that I take bribes. I make no bones about it. But +what kind of bribes? White greyhound puppies. That's +quite a different matter. + +GOVERNOR. H'm. Bribes are bribes, whether puppies +or anything else. + +AMMOS. Oh, no, Anton Antonovich. But if one has a +fur overcoat worth five hundred rubles, and one's wife a +shawl-- + +GOVERNOR. [testily]. And supposing greyhound +puppies are the only bribes you take? You're an atheist, +you never go to church, while I at least am a firm believer +and go to church every Sunday. You--oh, I +know you. When you begin to talk about the Creation +it makes my flesh creep. + +AMMOS. Well, it's a conclusion I've reasoned out with +my own brain. + +GOVERNOR. Too much brain is sometimes worse than +none at all.-- However, I merely mentioned the courthouse. +I dare say nobody will ever look at it. It's an +enviable place. God Almighty Himself seems to watch +over it. But you, Luka Lukich, as inspector of schools, +ought to have an eye on the teachers. They are very +learned gentlemen, no doubt, with a college education, +but they have funny habits--inseparable from the profession, +I know. One of them, for instance, the man with +the fat face--I forget his name--is sure, the moment he +takes his chair, to screw up his face like this. [Imitates +him.] And then he has a trick of sticking his hand under +his necktie and smoothing down his beard. It doesn't +matter, of course, if he makes a face at the pupils; perhaps +it's even necessary. I'm no judge of that. But +you yourself will admit that if he does it to a visitor, it +may turn out very badly. The Inspector, or anyone +else, might take it as meant for himself, and then the +deuce knows what might come of it. + +LUKA. But what can I do? I have told him about it +time and again. Only the other day when the marshal +of the nobility came into the class-room, he made such a +face at him as I had never in my life seen before. I +dare say it was with the best intentions; But I get reprimanded +for permitting radical ideas to be instilled in the +minds of the young. + +GOVERNOR. And then I must call your attention to the +history teacher. He has a lot of learning in his head +and a store of facts. That's evident. But he lectures +with such ardor that he quite forgets himself. Once +I listened to him. As long as he was talking about the +Assyrians and Babylonians, it was not so bad. But when +he reached Alexander of Macedon, I can't describe what +came over him. Upon my word, I thought a fire had +broken out. He jumped down from the platform, picked +up a chair and dashed it to the floor. Alexander of +Macedon was a hero, it is true. But that's no reason for +breaking chairs. The state must bear the cost. + +LUKA. Yes, he is a hot one. I have spoken to him +about it several times. He only says: "As you please, +but in the cause of learning I will even sacrifice my +life." + +GOVERNOR. Yes, it's a mysterious law of fate. Your +clever man is either a drunkard, or he makes such grimaces +that you feel like running away. + +LUKA. Ah, Heaven save us from being in the educational +department! One's afraid of everything. Everybody +meddles and wants to show that he is as clever as +you. + +GOVERNOR. Oh, that's nothing. But this cursed incognito! +All of a sudden he'll look in: "Ah, so you're +here, my dear fellows! And who's the judge here?" says +he. "Liapkin-Tiapkin." "Bring Liapkin-Tiapkin +here.-- And who is the Superintendent of Charities?" +"Zemlianika."--"Bring Zemlianika here!"-- That's +what's bad. + + + +SCENE II + + +Enter Ivan Kuzmich, the Postmaster. + +POSTMASTER. Tell me, gentlemen, who's coming? +What chinovnik? + +GOVERNOR. What, haven't you heard? + +POSTMASTER. Bobchinsky told me. He was at the +postoffice just now. + +GOVERNOR. Well, what do you think of it? + +POSTMASTER. What do I think of it? Why, there'll +be a war with the Turks. + +AMMOS. Exactly. Just what I thought. + +GOVERNOR [sarcastically]. Yes, you've both hit in +the air precisely. + +POSTMASTER. It's war with the Turks for sure, all +fomented by the French. + +GOVERNOR. Nonsense! War with the Turks indeed. +It's we who are going to get it, not the Turks. You may +count on that. Here's a letter to prove it. + +POSTMASTER. In that case, then, we won't go to war +with the Turks. + +GOVERNOR. Well, how do you feel about it, Ivan Kuzmich? + +POSTMASTER. How do I feel? How do YOU feel about +it, Anton Antonovich? + +GOVERNOR. I? Well, I'm not afraid, but I just feel +a little--you know-- The merchants and townspeople +bother me. I seem to be unpopular with them. But the +Lord knows if I've taken from some I've done it without +a trace of ill-feeling. I even suspect--[Takes him by +the arm and walks aside with him.]--I even suspect +that I may have been denounced. Or why would they +send an Inspector to us? Look here, Ivan Kuzmich, +don't you think you could--ahem!--just open a little +every letter that passes through your office and read it-- +for the common benefit of us all, you know--to see if it +contains any kind of information against me, or is only +ordinary correspondence. If it is all right, you can seal +it up again, or simply deliver the letter opened. + +POSTMASTER. Oh, I know. You needn't teach me +that. I do it not so much as a precaution as out of curiosity. +I just itch to know what's doing in the world. +And it's very interesting reading, I tell you. Some letters +are fascinating--parts of them written grand-- +more edifying than the Moscow Gazette. + +GOVERNOR. Tell me, then, have you read anything +about any official from St. Petersburg? + +POSTMASTER. No, nothing about a St. Petersburg official, +but plenty about Kostroma and Saratov ones. A +pity you don't read the letters. There are some very fine +passages in them. For instance, not long ago a lieutenant +writes to a friend describing a ball very wittily.-- +Splendid! "Dear friend," he says, "I live in the regions +of the Empyrean, lots of girls, bands playing, flags flying." +He's put a lot of feeling into his description, a +whole lot. I've kept the letter on purpose. Would you +like to read it? + +GOVERNOR. No, this is no time for such things. But +please, Ivan Kuzmich, do me the favor, if ever you chance +upon a complaint or denunciation, don't hesitate a moment, +hold it back. + +POSTMASTER. I will, with the greatest pleasure. + +AMMOS. You had better be careful. You may get +yourself into trouble. + +POSTMASTER. Goodness me! + +GOVERNOR. Never mind, never mind. Of course, it +would be different if you published it broadcast. But it's +a private affair, just between us. + +AMMOS. Yes, it's a bad business--I really came +here to make you a present of a puppy, sister to the +dog you know about. I suppose you have heard that +Cheptovich and Varkhovinsky have started a suit. So +now I live in clover. I hunt hares first on the one's +estate, then on the other's. + +GOVERNOR. I don't care about your hares now, my +good friend. That cursed incognito is on my brain. Any +moment the door may open and in walk-- + + + +SCENE III + + +Enter Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, out of breath. + +BOBCHINSKY. What an extraordinary occurrence! + +DOBCHINSKY. An unexpected piece of news! + +ALL. What is it? What is it? + +DOBCHINSKY. Something quite unforeseen. We were +about to enter the inn-- + +BOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Yes, Piotr Ivanovich +and I were entering the inn-- + +DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Please, Piotr Ivanovich, +let me tell. + +BOBCHINSKY. No, please, let me--let me. You +can't. You haven't got the style for it. + +DOBCHINSKY. Oh, but you'll get mixed up and won't +remember everything. + +BOBCHINSKY. Yes, I will, upon my word, I will. +PLEASE don't interrupt! Do let me tell the news--don't +interrupt! Pray, oblige me, gentlemen, and tell Dobchinsky +not to interrupt. + +GOVERNOR. Speak, for Heaven's sake! What is it? +My heart is in my mouth! Sit down, gentlemen, take +seats. Piotr Ivanovich, here's a chair for you. [All +seat themselves around Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky.] +Well, now, what is it? What is it? + +BOBCHINSKY. Permit me, permit me. I'll tell it all +just as it happened. As soon as I had the pleasure of +taking leave of you after you were good enough to be +bothered with the letter which you had received, sir, I +ran out--now, please don't keep interrupting, Dobchinsky. +I know all about it, all, I tell you.-- So I ran +out to see Korobkin. But not finding Korobkin at home, +I went off to Rastakovsky, and not seeing him, I went to +Ivan Kuzmich to tell him of the news you'd got. Going +on from there I met Dobchinsky-- + +DOBCHINSKY [interjecting]. At the stall where they +sell pies-- + +BOBCHINSKY. At the stall where they sell pies. Well, +I met Dobchinsky and I said to him: "Have you heard +the news that came to Anton Antonovich in a letter which +is absolutely reliable?" But Piotr Ivanovich had already +heard of it from your housekeeper, Avdotya, who, +I don't know why, had been sent to Filipp Antonovich +Pachechuyev-- + +DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. To get a little keg for +French brandy. + +BOBCHINSKY. Yes, to get a little keg for French +brandy. So then I went with Dobchinsky to Pachechuyev's.-- +Will you stop, Piotr Ivanovich? Please +don't interrupt.-- So off we went to Pachechuyev's, +and on the way Dobchinsky said: "Let's go to +the inn," he said. "I haven't eaten a thing since +morning. My stomach is growling." Yes, sir, his +stomach was growling. "They've just got in a supply of +fresh salmon at the inn," he said. "Let's take a bite." +We had hardly entered the inn when we saw a young +man-- + +DOBCHINSKY [Interrupting]. Of rather good appearance +and dressed in ordinary citizen's clothes. + +BOBCHINSKY. Yes, of rather good appearance and +dressed in citizen's clothes--walking up and down +the room. There was something out of the usual +about his face, you know, something deep--and a manner +about him--and here [raises his hand to his forehead +and turns it around several times] full, full of +everything. I had a sort of feeling, and I said to Dobchinsky, +"Something's up. This is no ordinary matter." +Yes, and Dobchinsky beckoned to the landlord, Vlas, the +innkeeper, you know,--three weeks ago his wife presented +him with a baby--a bouncer--he'll grow up just +like his father and keep a tavern.-- Well, we beckoned +to Vlas, and Dobchinsky asked him on the quiet, "Who," +he asked, "is that young man?" "That young man," +Vlas replied, "that young man"-- Oh, don't interrupt, +Piotr Ivanovich, please don't interrupt. You can't tell +the story. Upon my word, you can't. You lisp and one +tooth in your mouth makes you whistle. I know what +I'm saying. "That young man," he said, "is an official."-- +Yes, sir.-- "On his way from St. Petersburg. +And his name," he said, "is Ivan Aleksandrovich +Khlestakov, and he's going," he said "to the government +of Saratov," he said. "And he acts so queerly. It's +the second week he's been here and he's never left the +house; and he won't pay a penny, takes everything on +account." When Vlas told me that, a light dawned on +me from above, and I said to Piotr Ivanovich, "Hey!"-- + +DOBCHINSKY. No, Piotr Ivanovich, I said "HEY!" + +BOBCHINSKY. Well first YOU said it, then I did. +"Hey!" said both of us, "And why does he stick here +if he's going to Saratov?"-- Yes, sir, that's he, the official. + +GOVERNOR. Who? What official? + +BOBCHINSKY. Why, the official who you were notified +was coming, the Inspector. + +GOVERNOR [terrified]. Great God! What's that +you're saying. It can't be he. + +DOBCHINSKY. It is, though. Why, he doesn't pay +his bills and he doesn't leave. Who else can it be? And +his postchaise is ordered for Saratov. + +BOBCHINSKY. It's he, it's he, it's he--why, he's so +alert, he scrutinized everything. He saw that Dobchinsky +and I were eating salmon--chiefly on account of +Dobchinsky's stomach--and he looked at our plates so +hard that I was frightened to death. + +GOVERNOR. The Lord have mercy on us sinners! In +what room is he staying? + +DOBCHINSKY. Room number 5 near the stairway. + +BOBCHINSKY. In the same room that the officers quarreled +in when they passed through here last year. + +GOVERNOR. How long has he been here? + +DOBCHINSKY. Two weeks. He came on St. Vasili's +day. + +GOVERNOR. Two weeks! [Aside.] Holy Fathers +and saints preserve me! In those two weeks I have +flogged the wife of a non-commissioned officer, the prisoners +were not given their rations, the streets are dirty as +a pothouse--a scandal, a disgrace! [Clutches his head +with both hands.] + +ARTEMY. What do you think, Anton Antonovich, +hadn't we better go in state to the inn? + +AMMOS. No, no. First send the chief magistrate, +then the clergy, then the merchants. That's what it says +in the book. The Acts of John the Freemason. + +GOVERNOR. No, no, leave it to me. I have been in +difficult situations before now. They have passed off all +right, and I was even rewarded with thanks. Maybe the +Lord will help us out this time, too. [Turns to Bobchinsky.] +You say he's a young man? + +BOBCHINSKY. Yes, about twenty-three or four at the +most. + +GOVERNOR. So much the better. It's easier to pump +things out of a young man. It's tough if you've got a +hardened old devil to deal with. But a young man is all +on the surface. You, gentlemen, had better see to your +end of things while I go unofficially, by myself, or with +Dobchinsky here, as though for a walk, to see that the +visitors that come to town are properly accommodated. +Here, Svistunov. [To one of the Sergeants.] + +SVISTUNOV. Sir. + +GOVERNOR. Go instantly to the Police Captain--or, +no, I'll want you. Tell somebody to send him here as +quickly as possibly and then come back. + +Svistunov hurries off. + +ARTEMY. Let's go, let's go, Ammos Fiodorovich. We +may really get into trouble. + +AMMOS. What have you got to be afraid of? Put +clean nightcaps on the patients and the thing's done. + +ARTEMY. Nightcaps! Nonsense! The patients +were ordered to have oatmeal soup. Instead of that +there's such a smell of cabbage in all the corridors that +you've got to hold your nose. + +AMMOS. Well, my mind's at ease. Who's going to +visit the court? Supposing he does look at the papers, +he'll wish he had left them alone. I have been on the +bench fifteen years, and when I take a look into a report, +I despair. King Solomon in all his wisdom could not tell +what is true and what is not true in it. + +The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School +Inspector, and Postmaster go out and bump up against +the Sergeant in the doorway as the latter returns. + + + +SCENE IV + + +The Governor, Bobchinsky, Dobchinsky, and Sergeant +Svistunov. + +GOVERNOR. Well, is the cab ready? + +SVISTUNOV. Yes, sir. + +GOVERNOR. Go out on the street--or, no, stop--go +and bring--why, where are the others? Why are you +alone? Didn't I give orders for Prokhorov to be here? +Where is Prokhorov? + +SVISTUNOV. Prokhorov is in somebody's house and +can't go on duty just now. + +GOVERNOR. Why so? + +SVISTUNOV. Well, they brought him back this morning +dead drunk. They poured two buckets of water over +him, but he hasn't sobered up yet. + +GOVERNOR [clutching his head with both hands]. +For Heaven's sake! Go out on duty quick--or, no, +run up to my room, do you hear? And fetch my sword +and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, [to Dobchinsky] +come. + +BOBCHINSKY. And me--me, too. Let me come, too, +Anton Antonovich. + +GOVERNOR. No, no, Bobchinsky, it won't do. Besides +there is not enough room in the cab. + +BOBCHINSKY. Oh, that doesn't matter. I'll follow +the cab on foot--on foot. I just want to peep through +a crack--so--to see that manner of his--how he acts. + +GOVERNOR [turning to the Sergeant and taking his +sword]. Be off and get the policemen together. Let +them each take a--there, see how scratched my sword +is. It's that dog of a merchant, Abdulin. He sees the +Governor's sword is old and doesn't provide a new one. +Oh, the sharpers! I'll bet they've got their petitions +against me ready in their coat-tail pockets.--Let each take +a street in his hand--I don't mean a street--a broom-- +and sweep the street leading to the inn, and sweep it +clean, and--do you hear? And see here, I know you, +I know your tricks. You insinuate yourselves into the +inn and walk off with silver spoons in your boots. Just +you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you +been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave +you two yards of cloth for your uniform and you stole the +whole piece. Take care. You're only a Sergeant. +Don't graft higher than your rank. Off with you. + + + +SCENE V + + +Enter the Police Captain. + +GOVERNOR. Hello, Stepan Ilyich, where the dickens +have you been keeping yourself? What do you mean by +acting that way? + +CAPTAIN. Why, I was just outside the gate. + +GOVERNOR. Well, listen, Stepan Ilyich. An official +has come from St. Petersburg. What have you done +about it? + +CAPTAIN. What you told me to. I sent Sergeant +Pugovichyn with policemen to clean the street. + +GOVERNOR. Where is Derzhimorda? + +CAPTAIN. He has gone off on the fire engine. + +GOVERNOR. And Prokhorov is drunk? + +CAPTAIN. Yes. + +GOVERNOR. How could you allow him to get drunk? + +CAPTAIN. God knows. Yesterday there was a fight +outside the town. He went to restore order and was +brought back drunk. + +GOVERNOR. Well, then, this is what you are to do.-- +Sergeant Pugovichyn--he is tall. So he is to stand +on duty on the bridge for appearance' sake. Then +the old fence near the bootmaker's must be pulled +down at once and a post stuck up with a whisp of +straw so as to look like grading. The more debris +there is the more it will show the governor's activity.-- +Good God, though, I forgot that about forty cart-loads +of rubbish have been dumped against that fence. +What a vile, filthy town this is! A monument, or even +only a fence, is erected, and instantly they bring a lot of +dirt together, from the devil knows where, and dump it +there. [Heaves a sigh.] And if the functionary that has +come here asks any of the officials whether they are satisfied, +they are to say, "Perfectly satisfied, your Honor"; +and if anybody is not satisfied, I'll give him something to +be dissatisfied about afterwards.-- Ah, I'm a sinner, a +terrible sinner. [Takes the hat-box, instead of his hat.] +Heaven only grant that I may soon get this matter over +and done with; then I'll donate a candle such as has +never been offered before. I'll levy a hundred pounds of +wax from every damned merchant. Oh my, oh my! +Come, let's go, Piotr Ivanovich. [Tries to put the hat-box +on his head instead of his hat.] + +CAPTAIN. Anton Antonovich, that's the hat-box, not +your hat. + +GOVERNOR [throwing the box down]. If it's the hat-box, +it's the hat-box, the deuce take it!-- And if he asks +why the church at the hospital for which the money was +appropriated five years ago has not been built, don't let +them forget to say that the building was begun but was +destroyed by fire. I sent in a report about it, you +know. Some blamed fool might forget and let out that +the building was never even begun. And tell Derzhimorda +not to be so free with his fists. Guilty or +innocent, he makes them all see stars in the cause of +public order.-- Come on, come on, Dobchinsky. [Goes +out and returns.] And don't let the soldiers appear on +the streets with nothing on. That rotten garrison wear +their coats directly over their undershirts. + +All go out. + + + +SCENE VI + + +Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna rush in on +the stage. + +ANNA. Where are they? Where are they? Oh, my +God! [opening the door.] Husband! Antosha! Anton! +[hurriedly, to Marya.] It's all your fault. Dawdling! +Dawdling!--"I want a pin--I want a scarf." +[Runs to the window and calls.] Anton, where are you +going? Where are you going? What! He has come? +The Inspector? He has a moustache? What kind of a +moustache? + +GOVERNOR [from without]. Wait, dear. Later. + +ANNA. Wait? I don't want to wait. The idea, wait! +I only want one word. Is he a colonel or what? Eh? +[Disgusted.] There, he's gone! You'll pay for it! +It's all your fault--you, with your "Mamma, dear, wait +a moment, I'll just pin my scarf. I'll come directly." +Yes, directly! Now we have missed the news. It's all +your confounded coquettishness. You heard the Postmaster +was here and so you must prink and prim yourself +in front of the mirror--look on this side and that +side and all around. You imagine he's smitten with you. +But I can tell you he makes a face at you the moment +you turn your back. + +MARYA. It can't be helped, mamma. We'll know +everything in a couple of hours anyway. + +ANNA. In a couple of hours! Thank you! A nice +answer. Why don't you say, in a month. We'll know +still more in a month. [She leans out of the window.] +Here, Avdotya! I say! Have you heard whether anybody +has come, Avdotya?-- No, you goose, you didn't +-- He waved his hands? Well, what of it? Let him +wave his hands. But you should have asked him anyhow. +You couldn't find out, of course, with your head full +of nonsense and lovers. Eh, what? They left in a +hurry? Well, you should have run after the carriage. +Off with you, off with you at once, do you hear? Run +and ask everybody where they are. Be sure and find +out who the newcomer is and what he is like, do you +hear? Peep through a crack and find everything out +--what sort of eyes he has, whether they are black or +blue, and be back here instantly, this minute, do you +hear? Quick, quick, quick! + +She keeps on calling and they both stand at the window +until the curtain drops. + + + + + +ACT II + + +A small room in the inn, bed, table, travelling bag, +empty bottle, boots, clothes brush, etc. + + + +SCENE I + + +OSIP [lying on his master's bed]. The devil take +it! I'm so hungry. There's a racket in my belly, as +if a whole regiment were blowing trumpets. We'll never +reach home. I'd like to know what we are going to do. +Two months already since we left St. Pete. He's gone +through all his cash, the precious buck, so now he sticks +here with his tail between his legs and takes it easy. +We'd have had enough and more than enough to pay for +the fare, but no he must exhibit himself in every town. +[Imitates him.] "Osip, get me the best room to be +had and order the best dinner they serve. I can't stand +bad food. I must have the best." It would be all +right for a somebody, but for a common copying clerk! +Goes and gets acquainted with the other travellers, +plays cards, and plays himself out of his last penny. +Oh, I'm sick of this life. It's better in our village, +really. There isn't so much going on, but then there +is less to bother about. You get yourself a wife and lie on +the stove all the time and eat pie. Of course, if you +wanted to tell the truth, there's no denying it that there's +nothing like living in St. Pete. All you want is money. +And then you can live smart and classy--theeadres, +dogs to dance for you, everything, and everybody talks +so genteel, pretty near like in high society. If you go +to the Schukin bazaar, the shopkeepers cry, "Gentlemen," +at you. You sit with the officials in the ferry +boat. If you want company, you go into a shop. A +sport there will tell you about life in the barracks and +explain the meaning of every star in the sky, so that +you see them all as if you held them in your hand. +Then an old officer's wife will gossip, or a pretty chambermaid +will dart a look at you--ta, ta, ta! [Smirks +and wags his head.] And what deucedly civil manners +they have, too. You never hear no impolite language. +They always say "Mister" to you. If you are tired +of walking, why you take a cab and sit in it like a +lord. And if you don't feel like paying, then you don't. +Every house has an open-work gate and you can slip +through and the devil himself won't catch you. There's +one bad thing, though; sometimes you get first class eats +and sometimes you're so starved you nearly drop--like +now. It's all his fault. What can you do with him? +His dad sends him money to keep him going, but the +devil a lot it does. He goes off on a spree, rides in +cabs, gets me to buy a theeadre ticket for him every +day, and in a week look at him--sends me to the old +clo'es man to sell his new dress coat. Sometimes +he gets rid of everything down to his last shirt and is +left with nothing except his coat and overcoat. Upon +my word, it's the truth. And such fine cloth, too. English, +you know. One dress coat costs him a hundred +and fifty rubles and he sells it to the old clo'es man for +twenty. No use saying nothing about his pants. They +go for a song. And why? Because he doesn't tend +to his business. Instead of sticking to his job, he gads +about on the Prospect and plays cards. Ah, if the old +gentleman only knew it! He wouldn't care that you +are an official. He'd lift up your little shirtie and would +lay it on so that you'd go about rubbing yourself for a +week. If you have a job, stick to it. Here's the innkeeper +says he won't let you have anything to eat unless +you pay your back bills. Well, and suppose we don't +pay. [Sighing.] Oh, good God! If only I could get +cabbage soup. I think I could eat up the whole world +now. There's a knock at the door. I suppose it's him. +[Rises from the bed hastily.] + + + +SCENE II + + +Osip and Khlestakov. + +KHLESTAKOV. Here! [Hands him his cap and +cane.] What, been warming the bed again! + +OSIP. Why should I have been warming the bed? +Have I never seen a bed before? + +KHLESTAKOV. You're lying. The bed's all tumbled +up. + +OSIP. What do I want a bed for? Don't I know +what a bed is like? I have legs and can use them to +stand on. I don't need your bed. + +KHLESTAKOV [walking up and down the room]. Go +see if there isn't some tobacco in the pouch. + +OSIP. What tobacco? You emptied it out four days +ago. + +KHLESTAKOV [pacing the room and twisting his lips. +Finally he says in a loud resolute voice]. Listen--a +--Osip. + +OSIP. Yes, sir? + +KHLESTAKOV [In a voice just as loud, but not quite so +resolute]. Go down there. + +OSIP. Where? + +KHLESTAKOV [in a voice not at all resolute, nor loud, +but almost in entreaty]. Down to the restaurant--tell +them--to send up dinner. + +OSIP. No, I won't. + +KHLESTAKOV. How dare you, you fool! + +OSIP. It won't do any good, anyhow. The landlord +said he won't let you have anything more to eat. + +KHLESTAKOV. How dare he! What nonsense is this? + +OSIP. He'll go to the Governor, too, he says. It's +two weeks now since you've paid him, he says. You +and your master are cheats, he says, and your master +is a blackleg besides, he says. We know the breed. +We've seen swindlers like him before. + +KHLESTAKOV. And you're delighted, I suppose, to repeat +all this to me, you donkey. + +OSIP. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry comes and lives +here," he says, "and runs up debts so that you can't even +put him out. I'm not going to fool about it," he says, +"I'm going straight to the Governor and have him arrested +and put in jail." + +KHLESTAKOV. That'll do now, you fool. Go down at +once and tell him to have dinner sent up. The coarse +brute! The idea! + +OSIP. Hadn't I better call the landlord here? + +KHLESTAKOV. What do I want the landlord for? +Go and tell him yourself. + +OSIP. But really, master-- + +KHLESTAKOV. Well, go, the deuce take you. Call +the landlord. + +Osip goes out. + + + +SCENE III + + +KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I am so ravenously hungry. I +took a little stroll thinking I could walk off my appetite. +But, hang it, it clings. If I hadn't dissipated so in +Penza I'd have had enough money to get home with. +The infantry captain did me up all right. Wonderful +the way the scoundrel cut the cards! It didn't take +more than a quarter of an hour for him to clean me out +of my last penny. And yet I would give anything +to have another set-to with him. Only I never will have +the chance.-- What a rotten town this is! You can't +get anything on credit in the grocery shops here. It's +deucedly mean, it is. [He whistles, first an air from +Robert le Diable, then a popular song, then a blend of the +two.] No one's coming. + + + +SCENE IV + + +Khlestakov, Osip, and a Servant. + +SERVANT. The landlord sent me up to ask what you +want. + +KHLESTAKOV. Ah, how do you do, brother! How +are you? How are you? + +SERVANT. All right, thank you. + +KHLESTAKOV. And how are you getting on in the inn? +Is business good? + +SERVANT. Yes, business is all right, thank you. + +KHLESTAKOV. Many guests? + +SERVANT. Plenty. + +KHLESTAKOV. See here, good friend. They haven't +sent me dinner yet. Please hurry them up! See that I +get it as soon as possible. I have some business to attend +to immediately after dinner. + +SERVANT. The landlord said he won't let you have +anything any more. He was all for going to the Governor +to-day and making a complaint against you. + +KHLESTAKOV. What's there to complain about? +Judge for yourself, friend. Why, I've got to eat. If I +go on like this I'll turn into a skeleton. I'm hungry, +I'm not joking. + +SERVANT. Yes, sir, that's what he said. "I won't +let him have no dinner," he said, "till he pays for what +he has already had." That was his answer. + +KHLESTAKOV. Try to persuade him. + +SERVANT. But what shall I tell him? + +KHLESTAKOV. Explain that it's a serious matter, I've +got to eat. As for the money, of course-- He thinks +that because a muzhik like him can go without food a +whole day others can too. The idea! + +SERVANT. Well, all right. I'll tell him. + +The Servant and Osip go out. + + + +SCENE V + + +Khlestakov alone. + +KHLESTAKOV. A bad business if he refuses to let me +have anything. I'm so hungry. I've never been so +hungry in my life. Shall I try to raise something +on my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers? +No, I'd rather starve than come home without a +St. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim wouldn't +let me have a carriage on hire. It would have been great +to ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochere +of one of the neighbors with lamps lighted and +Osip behind in livery. Imagine the stir it would have +created. "Who is it? What's that?" Then my footman +walks in [draws himself up and imitates] and an- +nounces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov of St. +Petersburg. Will you receive him?" Those country +lubbers don't even know what it means to "receive." If +any lout of a country squire pays them a visit, he stalks +straight into the drawing-room like a bear. Then you +step up to one of their pretty girls and say: "Dee-lighted, +madam." [Rubs his hands and bows.] Phew! +[Spits.] I feel positively sick, I'm so hungry. + + + +SCENE VI + + +Khlestakov, Osip, and later the Servant. + +KHLESTAKOV. Well? + +OSIP. They're bringing dinner. + +KHLESTAKOV [claps his hands and wriggles in his +chair]. Dinner, dinner, dinner! + +SERVANT [with plates and napkin]. This is the last +time the landlord will let you have dinner. + +KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I spit on +your landlord. What have you got there? + +SERVANT. Soup and roast beef. + +KHLESTAKOV. What! Only two courses? + +SERVANT. That's all. + +KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense! I won't take it. What +does he mean by that? Ask him. It's not enough. + +SERVANT. The landlord says it's too much. + +KHLESTAKOV. Why is there no sauce? + +SERVANT. There is none. + +KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them preparing a +whole lot when I passed through the kitchen. And in the +dining-room this morning two short little men were eating +salmon and lots of other things. + +SERVANT. Well, you see, there is some and there +isn't. + +KHLESTAKOV. Why "isn't"? + +SERVANT. Because there isn't any. + +KHLESTAKOV. What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets? + +SERVANT. Only for the better kind of folk. + +KHLESTAKOV. You're a fool. + +SERVANT. Yes, sir. + +KHLESTAKOV. You measly suckling pig. Why can +they eat and I not? Why the devil can't I eat, too? +Am I not a guest the same as they? + +SERVANT. No, not the same. That's plain. + +KHLESTAKOV. How so? + +SERVANT. That's easy. THEY pay, that's it. + +KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, simpleton! +[Ladles out the soup and begins to eat.] +What, you call that soup? Simply hot water poured +into a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. I +don't want it. Bring me some other soup. + +SERVANT. All right. I'll take it away. The boss +said if you didn't want it, you needn't take it. + +KHLESTAKOV [putting his hand over the dishes]. +Well, well, leave it alone, you fool. You may be used to +treat other people this way, but I'm not that sort. I +advise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup! +[Goes on eating.] I don't think anybody in the world +tasted such soup. Feathers floating on the top instead +of butter. [Cuts the piece of chicken in the soup.] Oh, +oh, oh! What a bird!--Give me the roast beef. +There's a little soup left, Osip. Take it. [Cuts the +meat.] What sort of roast beef is this? This isn't roast +beef. + +SERVANT. What else is it? + +KHLESTAKOV. The devil knows, but it isn't roast beef. +It's roast iron, not roast beef. [Eats.] Scoundrels! +Crooks! The stuff they give you to eat! It makes your +jaws ache to chew one piece of it. [Picks his teeth with +his fingers.] Villains! It's as tough as the bark of a +tree. I can't pull it out no matter how hard I try. Such +meat is enough to ruin one's teeth. Crooks! [Wipes his +mouth with the napkin.] Is there nothing else? + +SERVANT. No. + +KHLESTAKOV. Scoundrels! Blackguards! They +might have given some decent pastry, or something, the +lazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests! That's +all they're good for. + +[The Servant takes the dishes and carries them out +accompanied by Osip.] + + + +SCENE VII + + +Khlestakov alone. + +KHLESTAKOV. It's just as if I had eaten nothing at +all, upon my word. It has only whetted my appetite. +If I only had some change to send to the market and buy +some bread. + +OSIP [entering]. The Governor has come, I don't +know what for. He's inquiring about you. + +KHLESTAKOV [in alarm]. There now! That inn- +keeper has gone and made a complaint against me. Suppose +he really claps me into jail? Well! If he does it +in a gentlemanly way, I may-- No, no, I won't. The +officers and the people are all out on the street and I +set the fashion for them and the merchant's daughter +and I flirted. No, I won't. And pray, who is +he? How dare he, actually? What does he take +me for? A tradesman? I'll tell him straight out, "How +dare you? How--" + +[The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and +shrinks back.] + + + +SCENE VIII + + +Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky. + +The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They +stare at each other a few moments wide-eyed and frightened. + +GOVERNOR [recovering himself a little and saluting +military fashion]. I have come to present my compliments, +sir. + +KHLESTAKOV [bows]. How do you do, sir? + +GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding. + +KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it. + +GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of this +town to see that visitors and persons of rank should suffer +no inconveniences. + +KHLESTAKOV [a little halting at first, but toward the +end in a loud, firm voice]. Well--what was--to be-- +done? It's not--my fault. I'm--really going to pay. +They will send me money from home. [Bobchinsky +peeps in at the door.] He's most to blame. He gives +me beef as hard as a board and the soup--the devil +knows what he put into it. I ought to have pitched it +out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His +tea is so peculiar--it smells of fish, not tea. So why +should I-- The idea! + +GOVERNOR [scared]. Excuse me! I assure you, it's +not my fault. I always have good beef in the market +here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it, and they are +sober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't know +where he gets his bad meat from. But if anything is +wrong, may I suggest that you allow me to take you to +another place? + +KHLESTAKOV. No, I thank you. I don't care to leave. +I know what the other place is--the jail. What right +have you, I should like to know--how dare you?-- +Why, I'm in the government service at St. Petersburg. +[Puts on a bold front.] I--I--I-- + +GOVERNOR [aside]. My God, how angry he is. He +has found out everything. Those damned merchants +have told him everything. + +KHLESTAKOV [with bravado]. I won't go even if you +come here with your whole force. I'll go straight to the +minister. [Bangs his fist on the table.] What do you +mean? What do you mean? + +GOVERNOR [drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all +over]. Have pity on me. Don't ruin me. I have a +wife and little children. Don't bring misfortune on a +man. + +KHLESTAKOV. No, I won't go. What's that got to do +with me? Must I go to jail because you have a wife and +little children? Great! [Bobchinsky looks in at the +door and disappears in terror.] No, much obliged to +you. I will not go. + +GOVERNOR [trembling]. It was my inexperience. I +swear to you, it was nothing but my inexperience and insufficient +means. Judge for yourself. The salary I get +is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken +bribes, they were mere trifles--something for the table, +or a coat or two. As for the officer's widow to whom +they say I gave a beating, she's in business now, and it's +a slander, it's a slander that I beat her. Those scoundrels +here invented the lie. They are ready to murder +me. That's the kind of people they are. + +KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them. +[Reflecting.] I don't see, though, why you should talk +to me about your scoundrels or officer's widow. An officer's +widow is quite a different matter.-- But don't +you dare to beat me. You can't do it to me--no, sir, +you can't. The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll pay +the money. Just now I'm out of cash. That's why I +stay here--because I haven't a single kopek. + +GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's +what he's aiming at? He's raised such a cloud of dust +you can't tell what direction he's going. Who can guess +what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. But +I will try. Come what may, I'll try--hit or miss. +[Aloud.] H'm, if you really are in want of money, I'm +ready to serve you. It is my duty to assist strangers in +town. + +KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then +I'll settle up immediately with the landlord. I only want +two hundred rubles. Even less would do. + +GOVERNOR. There's just two hundred rubles. [Giving +him the money.] Don't bother to count it. + +KHLESTAKOV [taking it]. Very much obliged to you. +I'll send it back to you as soon as I get home. I just +suddenly found myself without-- H'm-- I see you are +a gentleman. Now it's all different. + +GOVERNOR [aside]. Well, thank the Lord, he's taken +the money. Now I suppose things will move along +smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead of two into his +hand. + +KHLESTAKOV. Ho, Osip! [Osip enters.] Tell the +servant to come. [To the Governor and Dobchinsky.] +Please be seated. [To Dobchinsky.] Please take a +seat, I beg of you. + +GOVERNOR. Don't trouble. We can stand. + +KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I now +see perfectly how open-hearted and generous you are. I +confess I thought you had come to put me in-- [To +Dobchinsky.] Do take a chair. + +The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky +looks in at the door and listens. + +GOVERNOR [aside]. I must be bolder. He wants us +to pretend he is incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, +too. We'll pretend we haven't the least idea who +he is. [Aloud.] I was going about in the performance +of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here-- +he's a landed proprietor here--and we came to the inn +to see whether the guests are properly accommodated-- +because I'm not like other governors, who don't care +about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure +Christian philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently +treated. And as if to reward me for my pains, +chance has afforded me this pleasant acquaintance. + +KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without your +aid, I confess, I should have had to stay here a long time. +I didn't know how in the world to pay my bill. + +GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, yes, fib on.-- Didn't know +how to pay his bill! May I ask where your Honor is +going? + +KHLESTAKOV. I'm going to my own village in the +Government of Saratov. + +GOVERNOR [aside, with an ironical expression on his +face]. The Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And +doesn't even blush! One must be on the qui vive with +this fellow. [Aloud.] You have undertaken a great +task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the +delay in getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a +diversion. You are travelling for your own amusement, +I suppose? + +KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angry +because so far I haven't made headway in the St. +Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the Vladimir in +your buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like him +to knock about in the government offices for a while. + +GOVERNOR [aside]. How he fabricates! Dragging +in his old father, too. [Aloud.] And may I ask whether +you are going there to stay for long? + +KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, my +father is stubborn and stupid--an old dotard as hard as +a block of wood. I'll tell him straight out, "Do what +you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really, +why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times +make different demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment. + +GOVERNOR [aside]. He can spin yarns all right. Lie +after lie and never trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking +creature, too. Why, it seems to me +I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'll +make you talk. I'll make you tell me things. [Aloud.] +You were quite right in your observation, that one can +do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way place. Take this +town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work +hard for your country, you don't spare yourself, and the +reward? You don't know when it's coming. [He looks +round the room.] This room seems rather damp. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs! +I've never experienced anything like them. They bite +like dogs. + +GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest like +you to be subjected to such annoyance at the hands of +--whom? Of vile bugs which should never have been +born. And I dare say, it's dark here, too. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has +introduced the custom of not providing candles. Sometimes +I want to do something--read a bit, or, if the +fancy strikes me, write something.-- I can't. It's a +dark room, yes, very dark. + +GOVERNOR. I wonder if I might be bold enough to +ask you--but, no, I'm unworthy. + +KHLESTAKOV. What is it? + +GOVERNOR. No, no, I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy. + +KHLESTAKOV. But what is it? + +GOVERNOR. If I might be bold enough--I have a +fine room for you at home, light and cosy. But no, I +feel it is too great an honor. Don't be offended. Upon +my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my +heart. + +KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, I accept your invitation +with pleasure. I should feel much more comfortable +in a private house than in this disreputable tavern. + +GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad my +wife will be. It's my character, you know. I've always +been hospitable from my very childhood, especially +when my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think I +say this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I only +speak from the fullness of my heart. + +KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myself +hate double-faced people. I like your candor and kind-heartedness +exceedingly. And I am free to say, I ask +for nothing else than devotion and esteem--esteem and +devotion. + + + +SCENE IX + + +The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. +Bobchinsky peeps in at the door. + +SERVANT. Did your Honor wish anything? + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, let me have the bill. + +SERVANT. I gave you the second one a little while +ago. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, I can't remember your stupid accounts. +Tell me what the whole comes to. + +SERVANT. You were pleased to order dinner the first +day. The second day you only took salmon. And then +you took everything on credit. + +KHLESTAKOV. Fool! [Starts to count it all up now.] +How much is it altogether? + +GOVERNOR. Please don't trouble yourself. He can +wait. [To the Servant.] Get out of here. The money +will be sent to you. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, that's so, of course. [He puts +the money in his pocket.] + +The Servant goes out. Bobchinsky peeps in at the +door. + + + +SCENE X + + +The Governor, Khlestakov and Dobchinsky. + +GOVERNOR. Would you care to inspect a few institutions +in our town now--the philanthropic institutions, +for instance, and others? + +KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to see? + +GOVERNOR. Well, you'll see how they're run--the +order in which we keep them. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I'm +ready. + +Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door. + +GOVERNOR. And then, if you wish, we can go from +there and inspect the district school and see our method +of education. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, if you please. + +GOVERNOR. Afterwards, if you should like to visit +our town jails and prisons, you will see how our criminals +are kept. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We +had better go to see the philanthropic institutions. + +GOVERNOR. As you please. Do you wish to ride in +your own carriage, or with me in the cab? + +KHLESTAKOV. I'd rather take the cab with you. + +GOVERNOR [to Dobchinsky]. Now there'll be no room +for you, Piotr Ivanovich. + +DOBCHINSKY. It doesn't matter. I'll walk. + +GOVERNOR [aside, to Dobchinsky]. Listen. Run as +fast as you can and take two notes, one to Zemlianika at +the hospital, the other to my wife. [To Khlestakov.] +May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to +write a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive +our honored guest? + +KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However, +there is the ink. I don't know whether there is any +paper. Would the bill do? + +GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do. [Writes, talking to himself +at the same time.] We'll see how things will go +after lunch and several stout-bellied bottles. We have +some Russian Madeira, not much to look at, but it will +knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he +is and how much I have to be [on] my guard. + +He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. +As the latter walks across the stage, the door suddenly +falls in, and Bobchinsky tumbles in with it to the floor. +All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky rises. + +KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself? + +BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing--nothing at all-- +only a little bruise on my nose. I'll run in to Dr. +Hübner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll soon pass +away. + +GOVERNOR [making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. +To Khlestakov]. Oh, it's nothing. Now, if you please, +sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant to carry your luggage +over. [Calls Osip.] Here, my good fellow, take all +your master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyone +will tell you where it is. By your leave, sir. +[Makes way for Khlestakov and follows him; then turns +and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.] Couldn't you find +some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a +lobster! + +Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls. + + + + + +ACT III + + +SCENE: The same as in Act I. + + + +SCENE I + + +Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna standing at +the window in the same positions as at the end of Act I. + +ANNA. There now! We've been waiting a whole +hour. All on account of your silly prinking. You were +completely dressed, but no, you have to keep on dawdling.-- +Provoking! Not a soul to be seen, as though +on purpose, as though the whole world were dead. + +MARYA. Now really, mamma, we shall know all about +it in a minute or two. Avdotya must come back soon. +[Looks out of the window and exclaims.] Oh, mamma, +someone is coming--there down the street! + +ANNA. Where? Just your imagination again!-- +Why, yes, someone is coming. I wonder who it is. A +short man in a frock coat. Who can it be? Eh? The +suspense is awful! Who can it be, I wonder. + +MARYA. Dobchinsky, mamma. + +ANNA. Dobchinsky! Your imagination again! It's +not Dobchinsky at all. [Waves her handkerchief.] +Ho, you! Come here! Quick! + +MARYA. It is Dobchinsky, mamma. + +ANNA. Of course, you've got to contradict. I tell +you, it's not Dobchinsky. + +MARYA. Well, well, mamma? Isn't it Dobchinsky? + +ANNA. Yes, it is, I see now. Why do you argue +about it? [Calls through the window.] Hurry up, +quick! You're so slow. Well, where are they? What? +Speak from where you are. It's all the same. What? +He is very strict? Eh? And how about my husband? +[Moves away a little from the window, exasperated.] +He is so stupid. He won't say a word until he is in the +room. + + + +SCENE II + + +Enter Dobchinsky. + +ANNA. Now tell me, aren't you ashamed? You were +the only one I relied on to act decently. They all ran +away and you after them, and till now I haven't been +able to find out a thing. Aren't you ashamed? I stood +godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is +the way you treat me. + +DOBCHINSKY. Godmother, upon my word, I ran so +fast to pay my respects to you that I'm all out of breath. +How do you do, Marya Antonovna? + +MARYA. Good afternoon, Piotr Ivanovich. + +ANNA. Well, tell me all about it. What is happening +at the inn? + +DOBCHINSKY. I have a note for you from Anton Antonovich. + +ANNA. But who is he? A general? + +DOBCHINSKY. No, not a general, but every bit as +good as a general, I tell you. Such culture! Such dignified +manners! + +ANNA. Ah! So he is the same as the one my husband +got a letter about. + +DOBCHINSKY. Exactly. It was Piotr Ivanovich and +I who first discovered him. + +ANNA. Tell me, tell me all about it. + +DOBCHINSKY. It's all right now, thank the Lord. At +first he received Anton Antonovich rather roughly. He +was angry and said the inn was not run properly, and he +wouldn't come to the Governor's house and he didn't +want to go to jail on account of him. But then when he +found out that Anton Antonovich was not to blame and +they got to talking more intimately, he changed right +away, and, thank Heaven, everything went well. +They've gone now to inspect the philanthropic institutions. +I confess that Anton Antonovich had already begun +to suspect that a secret denunciation had been lodged +against him. I myself was trembling a little, too. + +ANNA. What have you to be afraid of? You're not +an official. + +DOBCHINSKY. Well, you see, when a Grand Mogul +speaks, you feel afraid. + +ANNA. That's all rubbish. Tell me, what is he like +personally? Is he young or old? + +DOBCHINSKY. Young--a young man of about +twenty-three. But he talks as if he were older. "If +you will allow me," he says, "I will go there and there." +[Waves his hands.] He does it all with such distinction. +"I like," he says, "to read and write, but I am prevented +because my room is rather dark." + +ANNA. And what sort of a looking man is he, dark +or fair? + +DOBCHINSKY. Neither. I should say rather chestnut. +And his eyes dart about like little animals. They +make you nervous. + +ANNA. Let me see what my husband writes. +[Reads.] "I hasten to let you know, dear, that my +position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying on +the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion +of caviar, one ruble and twenty-five kopeks." [Stops.] +I don't understand. What have pickles and caviar got to +do with it? + +DOBCHINSKY. Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote +on a piece of scrap paper. There's a kind of bill on it. + +ANNA. Oh, yes, I see. [Goes on reading.] "But +relying on the mercy of God, I believe all will turn out +well in the end. Get a room ready quickly for the distinguished +guest--the one with the gold wall paper. +Don't bother to get any extras for dinner because we'll +have something at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. +Order a little more wine, and tell Abdulin to send the +best, or I'll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss your hand, +my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky." +Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who's +there? Mishka? + +DOBCHINSKY [Runs to the door and calls.] Mishka! +Mishka! Mishka! [Mishka enters.] + +ANNA. Listen! Run over to Abdulin--wait, I'll +give you a note. [She sits down at the table and writes, +talking all the while.] Give this to Sidor, the coachman, +and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back the +wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room +ready for a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a +wash basin and pitcher and everything else. + +DOBCHINSKY. Well, I'm going now, Anna Andreyevna, +to see how he does the inspecting. + +ANNA. Go on, I'm not keeping you. + + + +SCENE III + + +Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna. + +ANNA. Now, Mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. +He's a metropolitan swell and God forbid that he should +make fun of us. You put on your blue dress with the +little flounces. It's the most becoming. + +MARYA. The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can't +bear it. Liapkin-Tiapkin's wife wears blue and so does +Zemlianika's daughter. I'd rather wear my flowered +dress. + +ANNA. Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be +contrary. You'll look lots better in blue because I'm +going to wear my dun-colored dress. I love dun-color. + +MARYA. Oh, mamma, it isn't a bit becoming to you. + +ANNA. What, dun-color isn't becoming to me? + +MARYA. No, not a bit. I'm positive it isn't. One's +eyes must be quite dark to go with dun-color. + +ANNA. That's nice! And aren't my eyes dark? +They are as dark as can be. What nonsense you talk! +How can they be anything but dark when I always draw +the queen of clubs. + +MARYA. Why, mamma, you are more like the queen +of hearts. + +ANNA. Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was +a queen of hearts. [She goes out hurriedly with Marya +and speaks behind the scenes.] The ideas she gets into +her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you +think of that? + +As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka +sweeps dirt on to the stage. Osip enters from another +door with a valise on his head. + + + +SCENE IV + + +Mishka and Osip. + +OSIP. Where is this to go? + +MISHKA. In here, in here. + +OSIP. Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What +a wretched life! On an empty stomach any load seems +heavy. + +MISHKA. Say, uncle, will the general be here soon? + +OSIP. What general? + +MISHKA. Your master. + +OSIP. My master? What sort of a general is he? + +MISHKA. Isn't he a general? + +OSIP. Yes, he's a general, only the other way round. + +MISHKA. Is that higher or lower than a real general? + +OSIP. Higher. + +MISHKA. Gee whiz! That's why they are raising +such a racket about him here. + +OSIP. Look here, young man, I see you're a smart fellow. +Get me something to eat, won't you? + +MISHKA. There isn't anything ready yet for the likes +of you. You won't eat plain food. When your master +takes his meal, they'll let you have the same as he gets. + +OSIP. But have you got any plain stuff? + +MISHKA. We have cabbage soup, porridge and pie. + +OSIP. That's all right. We'll eat cabbage soup, porridge +and pie, we'll eat everything. Come, help me +with the valise. Is there another way to go out there? + +MISHKA. Yes. + +They both carry the valise into the next room. + + + +SCENE V + + +The Sergeants open both folding doors. Khlestakov +enters followed by the Governor, then the Superintendent +of Charities, the Inspector of Schools, Dobchinsky and +Bobchinsky with a plaster on his nose. The Governor +points to a piece of paper lying on the floor, and the +Sergeants rush to pick it up, pushing each other in their +haste. + +KHLESTAKOV. Excellent institutions. I like the way +you show strangers everything in your town. In other +towns they didn't show me a thing. + +GOVERNOR. In other towns, I venture to observe, the +authorities and officials look out for themselves more. +Here, I may say, we have no other thought than to win +the Government's esteem through good order, vigilance, +and efficiency. + +KHLESTAKOV. The lunch was excellent. I've positively +overeaten. Do you set such a fine table every +day? + +GOVERNOR. In honor of so agreeable a guest we +do. + +KHLESTAKOV. I like to eat well. That's what a man +lives for--to pluck the flowers of pleasure. What was +that fish called? + +ARTEMY [running up to him]. Labardan. + +KHLESTAKOV. It was delicious. Where was it we +had our lunch? In the hospital, wasn't it? + +ARTEMY. Precisely, in the hospital. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, I remember. There were +beds there. The patients must have gotten well. There +don't seem to have been many of them. + +ARTEMY. About ten are left. The rest recovered. +The place is so well run, there is such perfect order. It +may seem incredible to you, but ever since I've taken +over the management, they all recover like flies. No +sooner does a patient enter the hospital than he feels +better. And we obtain this result not so much by medicaments +as by honesty and orderliness. + +GOVERNOR. In this connection may I venture to call +your attention to what a brain-racking job the office of +Governor is. There are so many matters he has to give +his mind to just in connection with keeping the town +clean and repairs and alterations. In a word, it is +enough to upset the most competent person. But, thank +God, all goes well. Another governor, of course, would +look out for his own advantage. But believe me, even +nights in bed I keep thinking: "Oh, God, how could I +manage things in such a way that the government would +observe my devotion to duty and be satisfied?" Whether +the government will reward me or not, that of course, lies +with them. At least I'll have a clear conscience. When +the whole town is in order, the streets swept clean, the +prisoners well kept, and few drunkards--what more +do I want? Upon my word, I don't even crave honors. +Honors, of course, are alluring; but as against the happiness +which comes from doing one's duty, they are nothing +but dross and vanity. + +ARTEMY [aside]. Oh, the do-nothing, the scoundrel! +How he holds forth! I wish the Lord had blessed me +with such a gift! + +KHLESTAKOV. That's so. I admit I sometimes like to +philosophize, too. Sometimes it's prose, and sometimes +it comes out poetry. + +BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. How true, how true +it all is, Piotr Ivanovich. His remarks are great. It's +evident that he is an educated man. + +KHLESTAKOV. Would you tell me, please, if you have +any amusements here, any circles where one could have a +game of cards? + +GOVERNOR [aside]. Ahem! I know what you are +aiming at, my boy. [Aloud.] God forbid! Why, no +one here has even heard of such a thing as card-playing +circles. I myself have never touched a card. I don't +know how to play. I can never look at cards with indifference, +and if I happen to see a king of diamonds or +some such thing, I am so disgusted I have to spit out. +Once I made a house of cards for the children, and then +I dreamt of those confounded things the whole night. +Heavens! How can people waste their precious time +over cards! + +LUKA LUKICH [aside]. But he faroed me out of a +hundred rubles yesterday, the rascal. + +GOVERNOR. I'd rather employ my time for the benefit +of the state. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, well, that's rather going too far. +It all depends upon the point of view. If, for instance, +you pass when you have to treble stakes, then of course-- +No, don't say that a game of cards isn't very tempting +sometimes. + + + +SCENE VI + + +The above, Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna. + +GOVERNOR. Permit me to introduce my family, my +wife and daughter. + +KHLESTAKOV [bowing]. I am happy, madam, to have +the pleasure of meeting you. + +ANNA. Our pleasure in meeting so distinguished a +person is still greater. + +KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Excuse me, madam, on +the contrary, my pleasure is the greater. + +ANNA. Impossible. You condescend to say it to compliment +me. Won't you please sit down? + +KHLESTAKOV. Just to stand near you is bliss. But +if you insist, I will sit down. I am so, so happy to be at +your side at last. + +ANNA. I beg your pardon, but I dare not take all the +nice things you say to myself. I suppose you must have +found travelling very unpleasant after living in the capital. + +KHLESTAKOV. Extremely unpleasant. I am accustomed, +comprenez-vous, to life in the fashionable world, +and suddenly to find myself on the road, in dirty inns +with dark rooms and rude people--I confess that if it +were not for this chance which--[giving Anna a look +and showing off] compensated me for everything-- + +ANNA. It must really have been extremely unpleasant +for you. + +KHLESTAKOV. At this moment, however, I find it exceedingly +pleasant, madam. + +ANNA. Oh, I cannot believe it. You do me much +honor. I don't deserve it. + +KHLESTAKOV. Why don't you deserve it? You do deserve +it, madam. + +ANNA. I live in a village. + +KHLESTAKOV. Well, after all, a village too has something. +It has its hills and brooks. Of course it's not +to be compared with St. Petersburg. Ah, St. Petersburg! +What a life, to be sure! Maybe you think I am only a +copying clerk. No, I am on a friendly footing with the +chief of our department. He slaps me on the back. +"Come, brother," he says, "and have dinner with me." +I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to say this +is to be done so, and that is to be done that way. There's +a rat of a clerk there for copying letters who does nothing +but scribble all the time--tr, tr-- They even +wanted to make me a college assessor, but I think to myself, +"What do I want it for?" And the doorkeeper +flies after me on the stairs with the shoe brush. "Allow +me to shine your boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich," he +says. [To the Governor.] Why are you standing, gentleman? +Please sit down. + + {GOVERNOR. Our rank is such that we can very +Together { well stand. + {ARTEMY. We don't mind standing. + {LUKA. Please don't trouble. + +KHLESTAKOV. Please sit down without the rank. +[The Governor and the rest sit down.] I don't like +ceremony. On the contrary, I always like to slip by unobserved. +But it's impossible to conceal oneself, impossible. +I no sooner show myself in a place than they say, +"There goes Ivan Aleksandrovich!" Once I was even +taken for the commander-in-chief. The soldiers rushed +out of the guard-house and saluted. Afterwards an officer, +an intimate acquaintance of mine, said to me: +"Why, old chap, we completely mistook you for the commander-in-chief." + +ANNA. Well, I declare! + +KHLESTAKOV. I know pretty actresses. I've written +a number of vaudevilles, you know. I frequently meet +literary men. I am on an intimate footing with Pushkin. +I often say to him: "Well, Pushkin, old boy, how goes +it?" "So, so, partner," he'd reply, "as usual." He's +a great original. + +ANNA. So you write too? How thrilling it must be +to be an author! You write for the papers also, I suppose? + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, for the papers, too. I am the +author of a lot of works--The Marriage of Figaro, +Robert le Diable, Norma. I don't even remember all the +names. I did it just by chance. I hadn't meant to +write, but a theatrical manager said, "Won't you please +write something for me?" I thought to myself: "All +right, why not?" So I did it all in one evening, surprised +everybody. I am extraordinarily light of thought. +All that has appeared under the name of Baron Brambeus +was written by me, and the The Frigate of Hope +and The Moscow Telegraph. + +ANNA. What! So you are Brambeus? + +KHLESTAKOV. Why, yes. And I revise and whip all +their articles into shape. Smirdin gives me forty thousand +for it. + +ANNA. I suppose, then, that Yury Miroslavsky is +yours too. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's mine. + +ANNA. I guessed at once. + +MARYA. But, mamma, it says that it's by Zagoskin. + +ANNA. There! I knew you'd be contradicting even +here. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, it's so. That was by Zagoskin. +But there is another Yury Miroslavsky which was +written by me. + +ANNA. That's right. I read yours. It's charming. + +KHLESTAKOV. I admit I live by literature. I have +the first house in St. Petersburg. It is well known as the +house of Ivan Aleksandrovich. [Addressing the company +in general.] If any of you should come to St. +Petersburg, do please call to see me. I give balls, too, +you know. + +ANNA. I can guess the taste and magnificence of +those balls. + +KHLESTAKOV. Immense! For instance, watermelon +will be served costing seven hundred rubles. The soup +comes in the tureen straight from Paris by steamer. +When the lid is raised, the aroma of the steam is like +nothing else in the world. And we have formed a circle +for playing whist--the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the +French, the English and the German Ambassadors and +myself. We play so hard we kill ourselves over the +cards. There's nothing like it. After it's over I'm so +tired I run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell +the cook, "Here, Marushka, take my coat"-- What +am I talking about?--I forgot that I live on the first +floor. One flight up costs me-- My foyer before I rise +in the morning is an interesting spectacle indeed--counts +and princes jostling each other and humming like bees. +All you hear is buzz, buzz, buzz. Sometimes the Minister-- +[The Governor and the rest rise in awe from their +chairs.] Even my mail comes addressed "Your Excellency." +And once I even had charge of a department. +A strange thing happened. The head of the department +went off, disappeared, no one knew where. Of +course there was a lot of talk about how the place would +be filled, who would fill it, and all that sort of thing. +There were ever so many generals hungry for the position, +and they tried, but they couldn't cope with it. It's +too hard. Just on the surface it looks easy enough; but +when you come to examine it closely, it's the devil of a job. +When they saw they couldn't manage, they came to me. +In an instant the streets were packed full with couriers, +nothing but couriers and couriers--thirty-five thousand +of them, imagine! Pray, picture the situation to yourself! +"Ivan Aleksandrovich, do come and take the directorship +of the department." I admit I was a little embarrassed. +I came out in my dressing-gown. I wanted to decline, +but I thought it might reach the Czar's ears, and, +besides, my official record-- "Very well, gentlemen," I +said, "I'll accept the position, I'll accept. So be it. But +mind," I said, "na-na-na, LOOK SHARP is the word with me, +LOOK SHARP!" And so it was. When I went through +the offices of my department, it was a regular earthquake, +Everyone trembled and shook like a leaf. [The Governor +and the rest tremble with fright. Khlestakov +works himself up more and more as he speaks.] Oh, I +don't like to joke. I got all of them thoroughly scared, +I tell you. Even the Imperial Council is afraid of me. +And really, that's the sort I am. I don't spare anybody. +I tell them all, "I know myself, I know myself." I am +everywhere, everywhere. I go to Court daily. Tomorrow +they are going to make me a field-marsh-- + +He slips and almost falls, but is respectfully held up +by the officials. + +GOVERNOR [walks up to him trembling from top to toe +and speaking with a great effort]. Your Ex-ex-ex- + +KHLESTAKOV [curtly]. What is it? + +GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex-ex- + +KHLESTAKOV [as before]. I can't make out a thing, +it's all nonsense. + +GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex--Your 'lency-- Your +Excellency, wouldn't you like to rest a bit? Here's a +room and everything you may need. + +KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense--rest! However, I'm ready +for a rest. Your lunch was fine, gentlemen. I am satisfied, +I am satisfied. [Declaiming.] Labardan! Labardan! + +He goes into the next room followed by the Governor. + + + +SCENE VII + + +The same without Khlestakov and the Governor. + +BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. There's a man for +you, Piotr Ivanovich. That's what I call a man. I've +never in my life been in the presence of so important a +personage. I almost died of fright. What do you think +is his rank, Piotr Ivanovich? + +DOBCHINSKY. I think he's almost a general. + +BOBCHINSKY. And I think a general isn't worth the +sole of his boots. But if he is a general, then he must be +the generalissimo himself. Did you hear how he bullies +the Imperial Council? Come, let's hurry off to Ammos +Fiodorovich and Korobkin and tell them about it. +Good-by, Anna Andreyevna. + +DOBCHINSKY. Good afternoon, godmother. + +Both go out. + +ARTEMY. It makes your heart sink and you don't +know why. We haven't even our uniforms on. Suppose +after he wakes up from his nap he goes and sends a report +about us to St. Petersburg. [He goes out sunk in +thought, with the School Inspector, both saying.] +Good-by, madam. + + + +SCENE VIII + + +Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna. + +ANNA. Oh, how charming he is! + +MARYA. A perfect dear! + +ANNA. Such refined manners. You can recognize +the big city article at once. How he carries himself, and +all that sort of thing! Exquisite! I'm just crazy for +young men like him. I am in ecstasies--beside myself. +He liked me very much though. I noticed he kept looking +at me all the time. + +MARYA. Oh, mamma, he looked at me. + +ANNA. No more nonsense please. It's out of place +now. + +MARYA. But really, mamma, he did look at me. + +ANNA. There you go! For God's sake, don't argue. +You mustn't. That's enough. What would he be looking +at you for? Please tell me, why would he be looking +at you? + +MARYA. It's true, mamma. He kept looking at me. +He looked at me when he began to speak about literature +and he looked at me afterwards, when he told about how +he played whist with the ambassadors. + +ANNA. Well, maybe he looked at you once or twice +and might have said to himself, "Oh, well, I'll give her a +look." + + + +SCENE IX + + +The same and the Governor. + +GOVERNOR. Sh-sh! + +ANNA. What is it? + +GOVERNOR. I wish I hadn't given him so much to +drink. Suppose even half of what he said is true? +[Sunk in thought.] How can it not be true? A man in +his cups is always on the surface. What's in his heart is +on his tongue. Of course he fibbed a little. No talking +is possible without some lying. He plays cards with the +ministers and he visits the Court. Upon my word the +more you think the less you know what's going on in your +head. I'm as dizzy as if I were standing in a belfry, or +if I were going to be hanged, the devil take it! + +ANNA. And I didn't feel the least bit afraid. I +simply saw a high-toned, cultured man of the world, and +his rank and titles didn't make me feel a bit queer. + +GOVERNOR. Oh, well, you women. To say women +and enough's said. Everything is froth and bubble to +you. All of a sudden you blab out words that don't +make the least sense. The worst you'd get would be a +flogging; but it means ruination to the husband.-- Say, +my dear, you are as familiar with him as if he were another +Bobchinsky. + +ANNA. Leave that to us. Don't bother about that. +[Glancing at Marya.] We know a thing or two in that +line. + +GOVERNOR [to himself]. Oh, what's the good of talking +to you! Confound it all! I can't get over my fright +yet. [Opens the door and calls.] Mishka, tell the +sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here. +They are near the gate. [After a pause of silence.] +The world has turned into a queer place. If at least the +people were visible so you could see them; but they are +such a skinny, thin race. How in the world could you +tell what he is? After all you can tell a military man; +but when he wears a frock-coat, it's like a fly with clipped +wings. He kept it up a long time in the inn, got off a +lot of allegories and ambiguities so that you couldn't +make out head or tail. Now he's shown himself up at +last.-- Spouted even more than necessary. It's evident +that he's a young man. + + + +SCENE X + + +The same and Osip. All rush to meet Osip, beckoning +to him. + +ANNA. Come here, my good man. + +GOVERNOR. Hush! Tell me, tell me, is he asleep? + +OSIP. No, not yet. He's stretching himself a little. + +ANNA. What's your name? + +OSIP. Osip, madam. + +GOVERNOR [to his wife and daughter]. That'll do, +that'll do. [To Osip.] Well, friend, did they give you +a good meal? + +OSIP. Yes, sir, very good. Thank you kindly. + +ANNA. Your master has lots of counts and princes +visiting him, hasn't he? + +OSIP [aside]. What shall I say? Seeing as they've +given me such good feed now, I s'pose they'll do even better +later. [Aloud.] Yes, counts do visit him. + +MARYA. Osip, darling, isn't your master just grand? + +ANNA. Osip, please tell me, how is he-- + +GOVERNOR. Do stop now. You just interfere with +your silly talk. Well, friend, how-- + +ANNA. What is your master's rank? + +OSIP. The usual rank. + +GOVERNOR. For God's sake, your stupid questions +keep a person from getting down to business. Tell me, +friend, what sort of a man is your master? Is he strict? +Does he rag and bully a fellow--you know what I +mean--does he or doesn't he? + +OSIP. Yes, he likes things to be just so. He insists +on things being just so. + +GOVERNOR. I like your face. You must be a fine +man, friend. What--? + +ANNA. Listen, Osip, does your master wear uniform +in St. Petersburg? + +GOVERNOR. Enough of your tattle now, really. This is +a serious matter, a matter of life and death. (To Osip.) +Yes, friend, I like you very much. It's rather chilly +now and when a man's travelling an extra glass of tea +or so is rather welcome. So here's a couple of rubles +for some tea. + +OSIP [taking the money.] Thank you, much obliged +to you, sir. God grant you health and long life. You've +helped a poor man. + +GOVERNOR. That's all right. I'm glad to do it. +Now, friend-- + +ANNA. Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your +master like most? + +MARYA. Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master +has! + +GOVERNOR. Stop now, let me speak. [To Osip.] +Tell me, what does your master care for most? I mean, +when he travels what does he like? + +OSIP. As for sights, he likes whatever happens to +come along. But what he likes most of all is to be +received well and entertained well. + +GOVERNOR. Entertained well? + +OSIP. Yes, for instance, I'm nothing but a serf and +yet he sees to it that I should be treated well, too. +S'help me God! Say we'd stop at some place and he'd +ask, "Well, Osip, have they treated you well?" "No, +badly, your Excellency." "Ah," he'd say, "Osip, he's +not a good host. Remind me when we get home." +"Oh, well," thinks I to myself [with a wave of his +hand]. "I am a simple person. God be with them." + +GOVERNOR. Very good. You talk sense. I've given +you something for tea. Here's something for buns, too. + +OSIP. You are too kind, your Excellency. [Puts the +money in his pocket.] I'll sure drink your health, +sir. + +ANNA. Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, +too. + +MARYA. Osip, darling, kiss your master for me. + +Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next +room. + +GOVERNOR. Hush! [Rises on tip-toe. The rest of +the conversation in the scene is carried on in an undertone.] +Don't make a noise, for heaven's sake! Go, +it's enough. + +ANNA. Come, Mashenka, I'll tell you something I +noticed about our guest that I can't tell you unless we +are alone together. [They go out.] + +GOVERNOR. Let them talk away. If you went and +listened to them, you'd want to stop up your ears. [To +Osip.] Well, friend-- + + + +SCENE XI + + +The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov. + +GOVERNOR. Sh--sh! Bandy-legged bears-- +thumping their boots on the floor! Bump, bump as if +a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon. +Where in the devil have you been knocking about? + +DERZHIMORDA. I had your order-- + +GOVERNOR. Hush! [Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's +mouth.] Like a bull bellowing. [Mocking him.] +"I had your order--" Makes a noise like an empty +barrel. [To Osip.] Go, friend, and get everything +ready for your master. And you two, you stand on the +steps and don't you dare budge from the spot. And +don't let any strangers enter the house, especially the +merchants. If you let a single one in, I'll-- The instant +you see anybody with a petition, or even without +a petition and he looks as if he wanted to present a +petition against me, take him by the scruff of the neck, +give him a good kick, [shows with his foot] and throw +him out. Do you hear? Hush--hush! + +He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants. + +CURTAIN + + + + + +ACT IV + + +SCENE: Same as in Act III. + + + +SCENE I + + +Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, +Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, +Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in full dress-uniform. + +AMMOS. For God's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your +line, and let's have more order. Why, man alive, he +goes to Court and rages at the Imperial Council. Draw +up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr +Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, +stand here. [Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on +tiptoe to the places indicated.] + +ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I +think we ought to try. + +AMMOS. Try what? + +ARTEMY. It's clear what. + +AMMOS. Grease? + +ARTEMY. Exactly, grease. + +AMMOS. It's risky, the deuce take it. He'll fly into +a rage at us. He's a government official, you know. +Perhaps it should be given to him in the form of a gift +from the nobility for some sort of memorial? + +POSTMASTER. Or, perhaps, tell him some money has +been sent here by post and we don't know for whom? + +ARTEMY. You had better look out that he doesn't +send you by post a good long ways off. Look here, +things of such a nature are not done this way in a well-ordered +state. What's the use of a whole regiment +here? We must present ourselves to him one at a time, +and do--what ought to be done, you know--so that +eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That's the way +things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin +it, Ammos Fiodorovich, you be the first. + +AMMOS. You had better go first. The distinguished +guest has eaten in your institution. + +ARTEMY. Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of +youth, should go first. + +LUKA. I can't, I can't, gentlemen. I confess I am +so educated that the moment an official a single degree +higher than myself speaks to me, my heart stands still +and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were +caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please +let me off. + +ARTEMY. It's you who have got to do it, Ammos +Fiodorovich. There's no one else. Why, every word +you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's mouth. + +AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! +The idea! Just because a man sometimes waxes enthusiastic +over house dogs or hunting hounds. + +ALL [pressing him]. No, not over dogs, but the +Tower of Babel, too. Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, +help us. Be our Saviour! + +AMMOS. Let go of me, gentlemen. + +Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov's +room. All hurry to the door, crowding and jostling in +their struggle to get out. Some are uncomfortably +squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard. + +BOBCHINSKY'S VOICE. Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you +stepped on my foot. + +ARTEMY. Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me +a chance to atone for my sins. You are squeezing me +to death. + +Exclamations of "Oh! Oh!" Finally they all push +through the door, and the stage is left empty. + + + +SCENE II + + +Enter Khlestakov, looking sleepy. + +KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I seem to have had a fine +snooze. Where did they get those mattresses and +feather beds from? I even perspired. After the meal +yesterday they must have slipped something into me +that knocked me out. I still feel a pounding in my +head. I see I can have a good time here. I like hospitality, +and I must say I like it all the more if people +entertain me out of a pure heart and not from interested +motives. The Governor's daughter is not a bad one +at all, and the mother is also a woman you can still-- +I don't know, but I do like this sort of life. + + + +SCENE III + + +Khlestakov and the Judge. + +JUDGE [comes in and stops. Talking to himself]. +Oh, God, bring me safely out of this! How my knees +are knocking together! [Drawing himself up and holding +the sword in his hand. Aloud.] I have the honor +to present myself--Judge of the District Court here, +College Assessor Liapkin-Tiapkin. + +KHLESTAKOV. Please be seated. So you are the +Judge here? + +JUDGE. I was elected by the nobility in 1816 and I +have served ever since. + +KHLESTAKOV. Does it pay to be a judge? + +JUDGE. After serving three terms I was decorated +with the Vladimir of the third class with the approval +of the government. [Aside.] I have the money in my +hand and my hand is on fire. + +KHLESTAKOV. I like the Vladimir. Anna of the +third class is not so nice. + +JUDGE [slightly extending his balled fist. Aside]. +Good God! I don't know where I'm sitting. I feel as +though I were on burning coals. + +KHLESTAKOV. What have you got in your hand +there? + +AMMOS [getting all mixed up and dropping the bills +on the floor]. Nothing. + +KHLESTAKOV. How so, nothing? I see money has +dropped out of it. + +AMMOS [shaking all over]. Oh no, oh no, not at all! +[Aside.] Oh, Lord! Now I'm under arrest and +they've brought a wagon to take me. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it IS money. [Picking it up.] + +AMMOS [aside]. It's all over with me. I'm lost! +I'm lost! + +KHLESTAKOV. I tell you what--lend it to me. + +AMMOS [eagerly]. Why, of course, of course--with +the greatest pleasure. [Aside.] Bolder! Bolder! +Holy Virgin, stand by me! + +KHLESTAKOV. I've run out of cash on the road, what +with one thing and another, you know. I'll let you +have it back as soon as I get to the village. + +AMMOS. Please don't mention it! It is a great honor +to have you take it. I'll try to deserve it--by putting +forth the best of my feeble powers, by my zeal and +ardor for the government. [Rises from the chair and +draws himself up straight with his hands hanging at his +sides.] I will not venture to disturb you longer with +my presence. You don't care to give any orders? + +KHLESTAKOV. What orders? + +JUDGE. I mean, would you like to give orders for +the district court here? + +KHLESTAKOV. What for? I have nothing to do with +the court now. No, nothing. Thank you very much. + +AMMOS [bowing and leaving. Aside.]. Now the +town is ours. + +KHLESTAKOV. The Judge is a fine fellow. + + + +SCENE IV + + +Khlestakov and the Postmaster. + +POSTMASTER [in uniform, sword in hand. Drawing +himself up]. I have the honor to present myself-- +Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin. + +KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to meet you. I like pleasant +company very much. Take a seat. Do you live here +all the time? + +POSTMASTER. Yes, sir. Quite so. + +KHLESTAKOV. I like this little town. Of course, +there aren't many people. It's not very lively. But +what of it? It isn't the capital. Isn't that so--it +isn't the capital? + +POSTMASTER. Quite so, quite so. + +KHLESTAKOV. It's only in the capital that you find +bon-ton and not a lot of provincial lubbers. What is +your opinion? Isn't that so? + +POSTMASTER. Quite so. [Aside.] He isn't a bit +proud. He inquires about everything. + +KHLESTAKOV. And yet you'll admit that one can live +happily in a little town. + +POSTMASTER. Quite so. + +KHLESTAKOV. In my opinion what you want is this +--you want people to respect you and to love you sincerely. +Isn't that so? + +POSTMASTER. Exactly. + +KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad you agree with me. Of +course, they call me queer. But that's the kind of +character I am. [Looking him in the face and talking +to himself.] I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan. +[Aloud.] A strange accident happened to me and I +ran out of cash on the road. Can you lend me three +hundred rubles? + +POSTMASTER. Of course. I shall esteem it a piece +of great good fortune. I am ready to serve you with all +my heart. + +KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. I must say, +I hate like the devil to deny myself on the road. And +why should I? Isn't that so? + +POSTMASTER. Quite so. [Rises, draws himself up, +with his sword in his hand.] I'll not venture to disturb +you any more. Would you care to make any remarks +about the post office administration? + +KHLESTAKOV. No, nothing. + +The Postmaster bows and goes out. + +KHLESTAKOV [lighting a cigar]. It seems to me the +Postmaster is a fine fellow, too. He's certainly obliging. +I like people like that. + + + +SCENE V + + +Khlestakov and Luka Lukich, who is practically +pushed in on the stage. A voice behind him is heard +saying nearly aloud, "Don't be chickenhearted." + +LUKA [drawing himself up, trembling, with his hand +on his sword]. I have the honor to present myself-- +School Inspector, Titular Councilor Khlopov. + +KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to see you. Take a seat, +take a seat. Will you have a cigar? [Offers him a +cigar.] + +LUKA [to himself, hesitating]. There now! That's +something I hadn't anticipated. To take or not to +take? + +KHLESTAKOV. Take it, take it. It's a pretty good +cigar. Of course not what you get in St. Petersburg. +There I used to smoke twenty-five cent cigars. You feel +like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them. +Here, light it. [Hands him a candle.] + +Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar shaking all over. + +KHLESTAKOV. Not that end, the other. + +LUKA [drops the cigar from fright, spits and shakes +his hands. Aside]. Confound it! My damned timidity +has ruined me! + +KHLESTAKOV. I see you are not a lover of cigars. +I confess smoking is my weakness--smoking and the fair +sex. Not for the life of me can I remain indifferent to +the fair sex. How about you? Which do you like +more, brunettes or blondes? + +Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what +to say. + +KHLESTAKOV. Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes? + +LUKA. I don't dare to know. + +KHLESTAKOV. No, no, don't evade. I'm bound to +know your taste. + +LUKA. I venture to report to you-- [Aside.] I +don't know what I'm saying. + +KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you don't want to say. I suppose +some little brunette or other has cast a spell over +you. Confess, she has, hasn't she? + +Luka Lukich remains silent. + +KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you're blushing. You see. Why +don't you speak? + +LUKA. I'm scared, your Hon--High--Ex-- +[Aside.] Done for! My confounded tongue has undone +me! + +KHLESTAKOV. You're scared? There IS something +awe-inspiring in my eyes, isn't there? At least I know +not a single woman can resist them. Isn't that so? + +LUKA. Exactly. + +KHLESTAKOV. A strange thing happened to me on +the road. I ran entirely out of cash. Can you lend +me three hundred rubles? + +LUKA [clutching his pockets. Aside]. A fine business +if I haven't got the money! I have! I have! +[Takes out the bills and gives them to him, trembling.] + +KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. + +LUKA [drawing himself up, with his hand on his +sword]. I will not venture to disturb you with my +presence any longer. + +KHLESTAKOV. Good-by. + +LUKA [dashes out almost at a run, saying aside.] +Well, thank the Lord! Maybe he won't inspect the +schools. + + + +SCENE VI + + +Khlestakov and Artemy Filippovich. + +ARTEMY [enters and draws himself up, his hand on +his sword]. I have the honor to present myself-- +Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor Zemlianika. + +KHLESTAKOV. Howdeedo? Please sit down. + +ARTEMY. I had the honor of receiving you and personally +conducting you through the philanthropic institutions +committed to my care. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I remember. You treated me +to a dandy lunch. + +ARTEMY. I am glad to do all I can in behalf of my +country. + +KHLESTAKOV. I admit, my weakness is a good +cuisine.-- Tell me, please, won't you--it seems to +me you were a little shorter yesterday, weren't +you? + +ARTEMY. Quite possible. [After a pause.] I may +say I spare myself no pains and perform the duties of +my office with the utmost zeal. [Draws his chair closer +and speaks in a lowered tone.] There's the postmaster, +for example, he does absolutely nothing. Everything is +in a fearful state of neglect. The mail is held up. Investigate +for yourself, if you please, and you will see. +The Judge, too, the man who was here just now, does +nothing but hunt hares, and he keeps his dogs in the +court rooms, and his conduct, if I must confess--and +for the benefit of the fatherland, I must confess, though +he is my relative and friend--his conduct is in the +highest degree reprehensible. There is a squire here +by the name of Dobchinsky, whom you were pleased to +see. Well, the moment Dobchinsky leaves the house, +the Judge is there with Dobchinsky's wife. I can swear +to it. You just take a look at the children. Not one +of them resembles Dobchinsky. All of them, even the +little girl, are the very image of the Judge. + +KHLESTAKOV. You don't say so. I never imagined +it. + +ARTEMY. Then take the School Inspector here. I +don't know how the government could have entrusted +him with such an office. He's worse than a Jacobin +freethinker, and he instils such pernicious ideas into the +minds of the young that I can hardly describe it. +Hadn't I better put it all down on paper, if you so +order? + +KHLESTAKOV. Very well, why not? I should like it +very much. I like to kill the weary hours reading +something amusing, you know. What is your name? I +keep forgetting. + +ARTEMY. Zemlianika. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, Zemlianika. Tell me, Mr. +Zemlianika, have you any children? + +ARTEMY. Of course. Five. Two are already grown +up. + +KHLESTAKOV. You don't say! Grown up! And how +are they--how are they--a--a? + +ARTEMY. You mean that you deign to ask what their +names are? + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, what are their names? + +ARTEMY. Nikolay, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya and Perepetuya. + +KHLESTAKOV. Good. + +ARTEMY. I don't venture to disturb you any longer +with my presence and rob you of your time dedicated +to the performance of your sacred duties--- [Bows and +makes to go.] + +KHLESTAKOV [escorting him]. Not at all. What +you told me is all very funny. Call again, please. I +like that sort of thing very much. [Turns back and +reopens the door, calling.] I say, there! What is +your---- I keep forgetting. What is your first name +and your patronymic? + +ARTEMY. Artemy Filippovich. + +KHLESTAKOV. Do me a favor, Artemy Filippovich. +A curious accident happened to me on the road. I've +run entirely out of cash. Have you four hundred rubles +to lend me? + +ARTEMY. I have. + +KHLESTAKOV. That comes in pat. Thank you very +much. + + + +SCENE VII + + +Khlestakov, Bobchinsky, and Dobchinsky. + +BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to present myself +--a resident of this town, Piotr, son of Ivan Bobchinsky. + +DOBCHINSKY. I am Piotr, son of Ivan Dobchinsky, +a squire. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I've met you before. I believe +you fell? How's your nose? + +BOBCHINSKY. It's all right. Please don't trouble. +It's dried up, dried up completely. + +KHLESTAKOV. That's nice. I'm glad it's dried up. +[Suddenly and abruptly.] Have you any money? + +DOBCHINSKY. Money? How's that--money? + +KHLESTAKOV. A thousand rubles to lend me. + +BOBCHINSKY. Not so much as that, honest to God +I haven't. Have you, Piotr Ivanovich? + +DOBCHINSKY. I haven't got it with me, because my +money--I beg to inform you--is deposited in the State +Savings Bank. + +KHLESTAKOV. Well, if you haven't a thousand, then +a hundred. + +BOBCHINSKY [fumbling in his pockets]. Have you a +hundred rubles, Piotr Ivanovich? All I have is forty. + +DOBCHINSKY [examining his pocket-book]. I have +only twenty-five. + +BOBCHINSKY. Look harder, Piotr Ivanovich. I know +you have a hole in your pocket, and the money must have +dropped down into it somehow. + +DOBCHINSKY. No, honestly, there isn't any in the +hole either. + +KHLESTAKOV. Well, never mind. I merely mentioned +the matter. Sixty-five will do. [Takes the +money.] + +DOBCHINSKY. May I venture to ask a favor of you +concerning a very delicate matter? + +KHLESTAKOV. What is it? + +DOBCHINSKY. It's a matter of an extremely delicate +nature. My oldest son--I beg to inform you--was +born before I was married. + +KHLESTAKOV. Indeed? + +DOBCHINSKY. That is, only in a sort of way. He +is really my son, just as if he had been born in wedlock. +I made up everything afterwards, set everything +right, as it should be, with the bonds of matrimony, you +know. Now, I venture to inform you, I should like to +have him altogether--that is, I should like him to be +altogether my legitimate son and be called Dobchinsky +the same as I. + +KHLESTAKOV. That's all right. Let him be called +Dobchinsky. That's possible. + +DOBCHINSKY. I shouldn't have troubled you; but it's +a pity, he is such a talented youngster. He gives the +greatest promise. He can recite different poems by +heart; and whenever he gets hold of a penknife, he makes +little carriages as skilfully as a conjurer. Here's Piotr +Ivanovich. He knows. Am I not right? + +BOBCHINSKY. Yes, the lad is very talented. + +KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. I'll try to do it +for you. I'll speak to--I hope--it'll be done, it'll +all be done. Yes, yes. [Turning to Bobchinsky.] +Have you anything you'd like to say to me? + +BOBCHINSKY. Why, of course. I have a most humble +request to make. + +KHLESTAKOV. What is it? + +BOBCHINSKY. I beg your Highness or your Excellency +most worshipfully, when you get back to St. +Petersburg, please tell all the high personages there, the +senators and the admirals, that Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky +lives in this town. Say this: "Piotr Ivanovich +lives there." + +KHLESTAKOV. Very well. + +BOBCHINSKY. And if you should happen to speak +to the Czar, then tell him, too: "Your Majesty," +tell him, "Your Majesty, Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky +lives in this town." + +KHLESTAKOV. Very well. + +BOBCHINSKY. Pardon me for having troubled you +with my presence. + +KHLESTAKOV. Not at all, not at all. It was my +pleasure. [Sees them to the door.] + + + +SCENE VIII + + +KHLESTAKOV [alone]. My, there are a lot of officials +here. They seem to be taking me for a government +functionary. To be sure, I threw dust in their +eyes yesterday. What a bunch of fools! I'll write all +about it to Triapichkin in St. Petersburg. He'll write +them up in the papers. Let him give them a nice walloping.-- +Ho, Osip, give me paper and ink. + +OSIP [looking in at the door]. D'rectly. + +KHLESTAKOV. Anybody gets caught in Triapichkin's +tongue had better look out. For the sake of a witticism +he wouldn't spare his own father. They are good people +though, these officials. It's a nice trait of theirs to lend +me money. I'll just see how much it all mounts up to. +Here's three hundred from the Judge and three hundred +from the Postmaster--six hundred, seven hundred, +eight hundred-- What a greasy bill!-- Eight hundred, +nine hundred.--Oho! Rolls up to more than a +thousand! Now, if I get you, captain, now! We'll see +who'll do whom! + + + +SCENE IX + + +Khlestakov and Osip entering with paper and ink. + +KHLESTAKOV. Now, you simpleton, you see how they +receive and treat me. [Begins to write.] + +OSIP. Yes, thank God! But do you know what, Ivan +Aleksandrovich? + +KHLESTAKOV. What? + +OSIP. Leave this place. Upon my word, it's time. + +KHLESTAKOV [writing]. What nonsense! Why? + +OSIP. Just so. God be with them. You've had a +good time here for two days. It's enough. What's the +use of having anything more to do with them? Spit on +them. You don't know what may happen. Somebody +else may turn up. Upon my word, Ivan Aleksandrovich. +And the horses here are fine. We'll gallop away +like a breeze. + +KHLESTAKOV [writing]. No, I'd like to stay a little +longer. Let's go tomorrow. + +OSIP. Why tomorrow? Let's go now, Ivan Aleksandrovich, +now, 'pon my word. To be sure, it's a great +honor and all that. But really we'd better go as quick +as we can. You see, they've taken you for somebody +else, honest. And your dad will be angry because you +dilly-dallied so long. We'd gallop off so smartly. +They'd give us first-class horses here. + +KHLESTAKOV [writing]. All right. But first take +this letter to the postoffice, and, if you like, order post +horses at the same time. Tell the postilions that they +should drive like couriers and sing songs, and I'll give +them a ruble each. [Continues to write.] I wager +Triapichkin will die laughing. + +OSIP. I'll send the letter off by the man here. I'd +rather be packing in the meanwhile so as to lose no +time. + +KHLESTAKOV. All right. Bring me a candle. + +OSIP [outside the door, where he is heard speaking]. +Say, partner, go to the post office and mail a letter, and +tell the postmaster to frank it. And have a coach sent +round at once, the very best courier coach; and tell +them the master doesn't pay fare. He travels at the +expense of the government. And make them hurry, or +else the master will be angry. Wait, the letter isn't +ready yet. + +KHLESTAKOV. I wonder where he lives now, on +Pochtamtskaya or Grokhovaya Street. He likes to move +often, too, to get out of paying rent. I'll make a guess +and send it to Pochtamtskaya Street. [Folds the letter +and addresses it.] + +Osip brings the candle. Khlestakov seals the letter +with sealing wax. At that moment Derzhimorda's voice +is heard saying: "Where are you going, whiskers? +You've been told that nobody is allowed to come in." + +KHLESTAKOV [giving the letter to Osip]. There, +have it mailed. + +MERCHANT'S VOICE. Let us in, brother. You have +no right to keep us out. We have come on business. + +DERZHIMORDA'S VOICE. Get out of here, get out of +here! He doesn't receive anybody. He's asleep. + +The disturbance outside grows louder. + +KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter there, Osip? See +what the noise is about. + +OSIP [looking through the window]. There are some +merchants there who want to come in, and the sergeant +won't let them. They are waving papers. I suppose +they want to see you. + +KHLESTAKOV [going to the window]. What is it, +friends? + +MERCHANT'S VOICE. We appeal for your protection. +Give orders, your Lordship, that our petitions be received. + +KHLESTAKOV. Let them in, let them in. Osip, tell +them to come in. + +Osip goes out. + +KHLESTAKOV [takes the petitions through the window, +unfolds one of them and reads]. "To his most honorable, +illustrious financial Excellency, from the merchant +Abdulin. . . ." The devil knows what this is! There's +no such title. + + + +SCENE X + + +Khlestakov and Merchants, with a basket of wine and +sugar loaves. + +KHLESTAKOV. What is it, friends? + +MERCHANTS. We beseech your favor. + +KHLESTAKOV. What do you want? + +MERCHANTS. Don't ruin us, your Worship. We suffer +insult and wrong wholly without cause. + +KHLESTAKOV. From whom? + +A MERCHANT. Why, from our governor here. Such +a governor there never was yet in the world, your Worship. +No words can describe the injuries he inflicts +upon us. He has taken the bread out of our mouths +by quartering soldiers on us, so that you might as well +put your neck in a noose. He doesn't treat you as you +deserve. He catches hold of your beard and says, "Oh, +you Tartar!" Upon my word, if we had shown him +any disrespect, but we obey all the laws and regulations. +We don't mind giving him what his wife and daughter +need for their clothes, but no, that's not enough. So +help me God! He comes to our shop and takes whatever +his eyes fall on. He sees a piece of cloth and says, +"Oh, my friends, that's a fine piece of goods. Take it +to my house." So we take it to his house. It will be +almost forty yards. + +KHLESTAKOV. Is it possible? My, what a swindler! + +MERCHANTS. So help us God! No one remembers a +governor like him. When you see him coming you hide +everything in the shop. It isn't only that he wants a +few delicacies and fineries. He takes every bit of trash, +too--prunes that have been in the barrel seven years +and that even the boy in my shop would not eat, and +he grabs a fist full. His name day is St. Anthony's, and +you'd think there's nothing else left in the world to +bring him and that he doesn't want any more. But no, +you must give him more. He says St. Onufry's is also +his name day. What's to be done? You have to take +things to him on St. Onufry's day, too. + +KHLESTAKOV. Why, he's a plain robber. + +MERCHANTS. Yes, indeed! And try to contradict +him, and he'll fill your house with a whole regiment of +soldiers. And if you say anything, he orders the doors +closed. "I won't inflict corporal punishment on you," he +says, "or put you in the rack. That's forbidden by +law," he says. "But I'll make you swallow salt herring, +my good man." + +KHLESTAKOV. What a swindler! For such things a +man can be sent to Siberia. + +MERCHANTS. It doesn't matter where you are pleased +to send him. Only the farthest away from here the +better. Father, don't scorn to accept our bread and +salt. We pay our respects to you with sugar and a +basket of wine. + +KHLESTAKOV. No, no. Don't think of it. I don't +take bribes. Oh, if, for example, you would offer me +a loan of three hundred rubles, that's quite different. I +am willing to take a loan. + +MERCHANTS. If you please, father. [They take out +money.] But what is three hundred? Better take five +hundred. Only help us. + +KHLESTAKOV. Very well. About a loan I won't say +a word. I'll take it. + +MERCHANTS [proffering him the money on a silver +tray]. Do please take the tray, too. + +KHLESTAKOV. Very well. I can take the tray, too. + +MERCHANTS [bowing]. Then take the sugar at the +same time. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, no. I take no bribes. + +OSIP. Why don't you take the sugar, your Highness? +Take it. Everything will come in handy on the road. +Give here the sugar and that case. Give them here. +It'll all be of use. What have you got there--a string? +Give it here. A string will be handy on the road, too, +if the coach or something else should break--for tying +it up. + +MERCHANTS. Do us this great favor, your illustrious +Highness. Why, if you don't help us in our appeal to +you, then we simply don't know how we are to exist. +We might as well put our necks in a noose. + +KHLESTAKOV. Positively, positively. I shall exert +my efforts in your behalf. + +[The Merchants leave. A woman's voice is heard +saying:] + +"Don't you dare not to let me in. I'll make a complaint +against you to him himself. Don't push me that +way. It hurts." + +KHLESTAKOV. Who is there? [Goes to the window.] +What is it, mother? + +[Two women's voices are heard:] "We beseech your +grace, father. Give orders, your Lordship, for us to be +heard." + +KHLESTAKOV. Let her in. + + + +SCENE XI + + +Khlestakov, the Locksmith's Wife, and the non-commissioned +Officer's Widow. + +LOCK.'S WIFE [kneeling]. I beseech your grace. + +WIDOW. I beseech your grace. + +KHLESTAKOV. Who are you? + +WIDOW. Ivanova, widow of a non-commissioned officer. + +LOCK.'S WIFE. Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the +wife of a locksmith, a burgess of this town. My +father-- + +KHLESTAKOV. Stop! One at a time. What do you +want? + +LOCK.'S WIFE. I beg for your grace. I beseech your +aid against the governor. May God send all evil upon +him. May neither he nor his children nor his uncles +nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their undertakings. + +KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter? + +LOCK.'S WIFE. He ordered my husband to shave his +forehead as a soldier, and our turn hadn't come, and it +is against the law, my husband being a married man. + +KHLESTAKOV. How could he do it, then? + +LOCK.'S WIFE. He did it, he did it, the blackguard! +May God smite him both in this world and the next. +If he has an aunt, may all harm descend upon her. +And if his father is living, may the rascal perish, may +he choke to death. Such a cheat! The son of the tailor +should have been levied. And he is a drunkard, too. +But his parents gave the governor a rich present, so he +fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva. +And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. +So then he comes to me. "What do you want your +husband for?" he says. "He isn't any good to you any +more." It's for me to know whether he is any good +or not. That's my business. The old cheat! "He's +a thief," he says. "Although he hasn't stolen anything, +that doesn't matter. He is going to steal. And he'll +be recruited next year anyway." How can I do without +a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk! +May none of his kith and kin ever see the light of God. +And if he has a mother-in-law, may she, too,-- + +KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Well, and you? + +[Addressing the Widow and leading the Locksmith's +Wife to the door.] + +LOCK.'S WIFE [leaving]. Don't forget, father. Be +kind and gracious to me. + +WIDOW. I have come to complain against the Governor, +father. + +KHLESTAKOV. What is it? What for? Be brief. + +WIDOW. He flogged me, father. + +KHLESTAKOV. How so? + +WIDOW. By mistake, my father. Our women got +into a squabble in the market, and when the police came, +it was all over, and they took me and reported me-- +I couldn't sit down for two days. + +KHLESTAKOV. But what's to be done now? + +WIDOW. There's nothing to be done, of course. But +if you please, order him to pay a fine for the mistake. +I can't undo my luck. But the money would be very +useful to me now. + +KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Go now, go. I'll +see to it. [Hands with petitions are thrust through the +window.] Who else is out there? [Goes to the window.] +No, no. I don't want to, I don't want to. +[Leaves the window.] I'm sick of it, the devil take +it! Don't let them in, Osip. + +OSIP [calling through the window]. Go away, go +away! He has no time. Come tomorrow. + +The door opens and a figure appears in a shag cloak, +with unshaven beard, swollen lip, and a bandage over +his cheek. Behind him appear a whole line of others. + +OSIP. Go away, go away! What are you crowding +in here for? + +He puts his hands against the stomach of the first one, +and goes out through the door, pushing him and banging +the door behind. + + + +SCENE XII + + +Khlestakov and Marya Antonovna. + +MARYA. Oh! + +KHLESTAKOV. What frightened you so, mademoiselle? + +MARYA. I wasn't frightened. + +KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Please, miss. It's a +great pleasure to me that you took me for a man who-- +May I venture to ask you where you were going? + +MARYA. I really wasn't going anywhere. + +KHLESTAKOV. But why weren't you going anywhere? + +MARYA. I was wondering whether mamma was here. + +KHLESTAKOV. No. I'd like to know why you weren't +going anywhere. + +MARYA. I should have been in your way. You were +occupied with important matters. + +KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Your eyes are better +than important matters. You cannot possibly disturb +me. No, indeed, by no means. On the contrary, you +afford me great pleasure. + +MARYA. You speak like a man from the capital. + +KHLESTAKOV. For such a beautiful lady as you. +May I give myself the pleasure of offering you a chair? +But no, you should have, not a chair, but a throne. + +MARYA. I really don't know--I really must go +[She sits down.] + +KHLESTAKOV. What a beautiful scarf that is. + +MARYA. You are making fun of me. You're only +ridiculing the provincials. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, mademoiselle, how I long to be +your scarf, so that I might embrace your lily neck. + +MARYA. I haven't the least idea what you are talking +about--scarf!-- Peculiar weather today, isn't +it? + +KHLESTAKOV. Your lips, mademoiselle, are better +than any weather. + +MARYA. You are just saying that--I should like to +ask you--I'd rather you would write some verses in +my album for a souvenir. You must know very many. + +KHLESTAKOV. Anything you desire, mademoiselle. +Ask! What verses will you have? + +MARYA. Any at all. Pretty, new verses. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of +them. + +MARYA. Well, tell me. What verses will you write +for me? + +KHLESTAKOV. What's the use? I know them anyway. + +MARYA. I love them so. + +KHLESTAKOV. I have lots of them--of every sort. If +you like, for example, I'll give you this: "Oh, thou, mortal +man, who in thy anguish murmurest against God--" +and others. I can't remember them now. Besides, it's +all bosh. I'd rather offer you my love instead, which ever +since your first glance-- [Moves his chair nearer.] + +MARYA. Love? I don't understand love. I never +knew what love is. [Moves her chair away.] + +KHLESTAKOV. Why do you move your chair away? +It is better for us to sit near each other. + +MARYA [moving away]. Why near? It's all the +same if it's far away. + +KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. Why far? It's all +the same if it's near. + +MARYA [moving away]. But what for? + +KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. It only seems near +to you. Imagine it's far. How happy I would be, +mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace. + +MARYA [looking through the window]. What is +that? It looked as if something had flown by. Was it +a magpie or some other bird? + +KHLESTAKOV [kisses her shoulder and looks through +the window]. It's a magpie. + +MARYA [rises indignantly]. No, that's too much-- +Such rudeness, such impertinence. + +KHLESTAKOV [holding her back]. Forgive me, mademoiselle. +I did it only out of love--only out of love, +nothing else. + +MARYA. You take me for a silly provincial wench. +[Struggles to go away.] + +KHLESTAKOV [still holding her back]. It's out of +love, really--out of love. It was just a little fun. +Marya Antonovna, don't be angry. I'm ready to beg +your forgiveness on my knees. [Falls on his knees.] +Forgive me, do forgive me! You see, I am on my knees. + + + +SCENE XIII + + +The same and Anna Andreyevna. + +ANNA [seeing Khlestakov on his knees]. Oh, what +a situation! + +KHLESTAKOV [rising]. Oh, the devil! + +ANNA [to Marya]. What does this mean? What +does this behavior mean? + +MARYA. I, mother-- + +ANNA. Go away from here. Do you hear? And +don't you dare to show your face to me. [Marya goes +out in tears.] Excuse me. I must say I'm greatly +astonished. + +KHLESTAKOV [aside]. She's very appetizing, too. +She's not bad-looking, either. [Flings himself on his +knees.] Madam, you see I am burning with love. + +ANNA. What! You on your knees? Please get up, +please get up. This floor isn't very clean. + +KHLESTAKOV. No, I must be on my knees before +you. I must. Pronounce the verdict. Is it life or +death? + +ANNA. But please--I don't quite understand the +significance of your words. If I am not mistaken, you +are making a proposal for my daughter. + +KHLESTAKOV. No, I am in love with you. My life +hangs by a thread. If you don't crown my steadfast +love, then I am not fit to exist in this world. With a +burning flame in my bosom, I pray for your hand. + +ANNA. But please remember I am in a certain way +--married. + +KHLESTAKOV. That's nothing. Love knows no distinction. +It was Karamzin who said: "The laws condemn." +We will fly in the shadow of a brook. Your +hand! I pray for your hand! + + + +SCENE XIV + + +The same and Marya Antonovna. + +MARYA [running in suddenly]. Mamma, papa says +you should--[seeing Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims:] +Oh, what a situation! + +ANNA. Well, what do you want? Why did you come +in here? What for? What sort of flightiness is this? +Breaks in like a cat leaping out of smoke. Well, what +have you found so wonderful? What's gotten into your +head again? Really, she behaves like a child of three. +She doesn't act a bit like a girl of eighteen, not a bit. +I don't know when you'll get more sense into your head, +when you'll behave like a decent, well-bred girl, when +you'll know what good manners are and a proper demeanor. + +MARYA [through her tears]. Mamma, I really didn't +know-- + +ANNA. There's always a breeze blowing through +your head. You act like Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughter. +Why should you imitate them? You shouldn't imitate +them. You have other examples to follow. You have +your mother before you. She's the example to follow. + +KHLESTAKOV [seizing Marya's hand]. Anna Andreyevna, +don't oppose our happiness. Give your blessing +to our constant love. + +ANNA [in surprise]. So it's in her you are-- + +KHLESTAKOV. Decide--life or death? + +ANNA. Well, there, you fool, you see? Our guest +is pleased to go down on his knees for such trash as you. +You, running in suddenly as if you were out of your +mind. Really, it would be just what you deserve, if +I refused. You are not worthy of such happiness. + +MARYA. I won't do it again, mamma, really I won't. + + + +SCENE XV + + +The same and the Governor in precipitate haste. + +GOVERNOR. Your Excellency, don't ruin me, don't +ruin me. + +KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter? + +GOVERNOR. The merchants have complained to your +Excellency. I assure you on my honor that not one +half of what they said is so. They themselves are +cheats. They give short measure and short weight. +The officer's widow lied to you when she said I flogged +her. She lied, upon my word, she lied. She flogged +herself. + +KHLESTAKOV. The devil take the officer's widow. +What do I care about the officer's widow. + +GOVERNOR. Don't believe them, don't believe them. +They are rank liars; a mere child wouldn't believe them. +They are known all over town as liars. And as for +cheating, I venture to inform you that there are no +swindlers like them in the whole of creation. + +ANNA. Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich +is bestowing upon us? He is asking for our +daughter's hand. + +GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? Mother +has lost her wits. Please do not be angry, your Excellency. +She has a touch of insanity. Her mother was +like that, too. + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I am really asking for your +daughter's hand. I am in love with her. + +GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it, your Excellency. + +ANNA. But when you are told! + +KHLESTAKOV. I am not joking. I could go crazy, +I am so in love. + +GOVERNOR. I daren't believe it. I am unworthy of +such an honor. + +KHLESTAKOV. If you don't consent to give me your +daughter Marya Antonovna's hand, then I am ready to +do the devil knows what. + +GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it. You deign to joke, +your Excellency. + +ANNA. My, what a blockhead! Really! When you +are told over and over again! + +GOVERNOR. I can't believe it. + +KHLESTAKOV. Give her to me, give her to me! I +am a desperate man and I may do anything. If I shoot +myself, you will have a law-suit on your hands. + +GOVERNOR. Oh, my God! I am not guilty either in +thought or in action. Please do not be angry. Be +pleased to act as your mercy wills. Really, my head is +in such a state I don't know what is happening. I have +turned into a worse fool than I've ever been in my life. + +ANNA. Well, give your blessing. + +Khlestakov goes up to Marya Antonovna. + +GOVERNOR. May God bless you, but I am not guilty. +[Khlestakov kisses Marya. The Governor looks at +them.] What the devil! It's really so. [Rubs his +eyes.] They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are +kissing. Actually to be our son-in-law! [Cries out, +jumping with glee.] Ho, Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, +Governor! So that's the turn events have taken! + + + +SCENE XVI + + +The same and Osip. + +OSIP. The horses are ready. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh! All right. I'll come presently. + +GOVERNOR. What's that? Are you leaving? + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm going. + +GOVERNOR. Then when--that is--I thought you +were pleased to hint at a wedding. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh--for one minute only--for one +day--to my uncle, a rich old man. I'll be back tomorrow. + +GOVERNOR. We would not venture, of course, to hold +you back, and we hope for your safe return. + +KHLESTAKOV. Of course, of course, I'll come back at +once. Good-by, my dear--no, I simply can't express +my feelings. Good-by, my heart. [Kisses Marya's +hand.] + +GOVERNOR. Don't you need something for the road? +It seems to me you were pleased to be short of cash. + +KHLESTAKOV, Oh, no, what for? [After a little +thought.] However, if you like. + +GOVERNOR. How much will you have? + +KHLESTAKOV. You gave me two hundred then, that +is, not two hundred, but four hundred--I don't want to +take advantage of your mistake--you might let me have +the same now so that it should be an even eight hundred. + +GOVERNOR. Very well. [Takes the money out of +his pocket-book.] The notes happen to be brand-new, +too, as though on purpose. + +KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes. [Takes the bills and looks +at them.] That's good. They say new money means +good luck. + +GOVERNOR. Quite right. + +KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich. I am +very much obliged to you for your hospitality. I admit +with all my heart that I have never got such a +good reception anywhere. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna. +Good-by, my sweet-heart, Marya Antonovna. + +All go out. + +Behind the Scenes. + +KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, angel of my soul, Marya +Antonovna. + +GOVERNOR. What's that? You are going in a plain +mail-coach? + +KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm used to it. I get a headache +from a carriage with springs. + +POSTILION. Ho! + +GOVERNOR. Take a rug for the seat at least. If you +say so, I'll tell them to bring a rug. + +KHLESTAKOV. No, what for? It's not necessary. +However, let them bring a rug if you please. + +GOVERNOR. Ho, Avdotya. Go to the store-room and +bring the very best rug from there, the Persian rug with +the blue ground. Quick! + +POSTILION. Ho! + +GOVERNOR. When do you say we are to expect you +back? + +KHLESTAKOV. Tomorrow, or the day after. + +OSIP. Is this the rug? Give it here. Put it there. +Now put some hay on this side. + +POSTILION. Ho! + +OSIP. Here, on this side. More. All right. That +will be fine. [Beats the rug down with his hand.] +Now take the seat, your Excellency. + +KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich. + +GOVERNOR. Good-by, your Excellency. + +ANNA } +MARYA} Good-by, Ivan Aleksandrovich. + +KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, mother. + +POSTILION. Get up, my boys! + +The bell rings and the curtain drops. + + + + + +ACT V + + +SCENE: Same as in Act IV. + + + +SCENE I + + +Governor, Anna Andreyevna, and Marya Antonovna. + +GOVERNOR. Well, Anna Andreyevna, eh? Did you +ever imagine such a thing? Such a rich prize? I'll +be--. Well, confess frankly, it never occurred to you +even in your dreams, did it? From just a simple +governor's wife suddenly--whew!--I'll be hanged! +--to marry into the family of such a big gun. + +ANNA. Not at all. I knew it long ago. It seems +wonderful to you because you are so plain. You never +saw decent people. + +GOVERNOR. I'm a decent person myself, mother. +But, really, think, Anna Andreyevna, what gay birds we +have turned into now, you and I. Eh, Anna Andreyevna? +High fliers, by Jove! Wait now, I'll give +those fellows who were so eager to present their petitions +and denunciations a peppering. Ho, who's there? +[Enter a Sergeant.] Is it you, Ivan Karpovich? Call +those merchants here, brother, won't you? I'll give it +to them, the scoundrels! To make such complaints +against me! The damned pack of Jews! Wait, my +dear fellows. I used to dose you down to your ears. +Now I'll dose you down to your beards. Make a list of +all who came to protest against me, especially the +mean petty scribblers who cooked the petitions up +for them, and announce to all that they should know +what honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the Governor, +namely this: that he is marrying his daughter, +not to a plain ordinary man, but to one the like of whom +has never yet been in the world, who can do everything, +everything, everything, everything! Proclaim it to all +so that everybody should know. Shout it aloud to +the whole world. Ring the bell, the devil take it! It +is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph. [The +Sergeant goes out.] So that's the way, Anna Andreyevna, +eh? What shall we do now? Where shall we +live? Here or in St. Pete? + +ANNA. In St. Petersburg, of course. How could we +remain here? + +GOVERNOR. Well, if St. Pete, then St. Pete. But it +would be good here, too. I suppose the governorship +could then go to the devil, eh, Anna Andreyevna? + +ANNA. Of course. What's a governorship? + +GOVERNOR. Don't you think, Anna Andreyevna, I can +rise to a high rank now, he being hand in glove with +all the ministers, and visiting the court? In time I +can be promoted to a generalship. What do you think, +Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general? + +ANNA. I should say so. Of course you can. + +GOVERNOR. Ah, the devil take it, it's nice to be a +general. They hang a ribbon across your shoulders. +What ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or the blue St. +Andrew? + +ANNA. The blue St. Andrew, of course. + +GOVERNOR. What! My, you're aiming high. The +red one is good, too. Why does one want to be a general? +Because when you go travelling, there are always +couriers and aides on ahead with "Horses"! And +at the stations they refuse to give the horses to others. +They all wait, all those councilors, captains, governors, +and you don't take the slightest notice of them. You +dine somewhere with the governor-general. And the +town-governor--I'll keep him waiting at the door. +Ha, ha, ha! [He bursts into a roar of laughter, shaking +all over.] That's what's so alluring, confound it! + +ANNA. You always like such coarse things. You +must remember that our life will have to be completely +changed, that your acquaintances will not be a dog-lover +of a judge, with whom you go hunting hares, or +a Zemlianika. On the contrary, your acquaintances will +be people of the most refined type, counts, and society +aristocrats. Only really I am afraid of you. You +sometimes use words that one never hears in good society. + +GOVERNOR. What of it? A word doesn't hurt. + +ANNA. It's all right when you are a town-governor, +but there the life is entirely different. + +GOVERNOR. Yes, they say there are two kinds of +fish there, the sea-eel and the smelt, and before you +start to eat them, the saliva flows in your mouth. + +ANNA. That's all he thinks about--fish. I shall +insist upon our house being the first in the capital and +my room having so much amber in it that when you +come in you have to shut your eyes. [She shuts her +eyes and sniffs.] Oh, how good! + + + +SCENE II + + +The same and the Merchants. + +GOVERNOR. Ah, how do you do, my fine fellows? + +MERCHANTS [bowing]. We wish you health, father. + +GOVERNOR. Well, my dearly beloved friends, how +are you? How are your goods selling? So you complained +against me, did you, you tea tanks, you scurvy +hucksters? Complain, against me? You crooks, you +pirates, you. Did you gain a lot by it, eh? Aha, you +thought you'd land me in prison? May seven devils +and one she-devil take you! Do you know that-- + +ANNA. Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use! + +GOVERNOR [irritated]. Oh, it isn't a matter of words +now. Do you know that the very official to whom you +complained is going to marry my daughter? Well, what +do you say to that? Now I'll make you smart. You +cheat the people, you make a contract with the government, +and you do the government out of a hundred +thousand, supplying it with rotten cloth; and when you +give fifteen yards away gratis, you expect a reward +besides. If they knew, they would send you to-- And +you strut about sticking out your paunches with a great +air of importance: "I'm a merchant, don't touch me." +"We," you say, "are as good as the nobility." Yes, +the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. +If he gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, +to learn something useful. And you--start out +in life learning trickery. Your master beats you +for not being able to cheat. When you are still +little boys and don't know the Lord's Prayer, you +already give short measure and short weight. And +when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then +you assume an air of importance. Whew! What marvels! +Because you guzzle sixteen samovars full a day, +that's why you put on an air of importance. I spit on +your heads and on your importance. + +MERCHANTS [bowing]. We are guilty, Anton Antonovich. + +GOVERNOR. Complaining, eh? And who helped you +with that grafting when you built a bridge and charged +twenty thousand for wood when there wasn't even a hundred +rubles' worth used? I did. You goat beards. +Have you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I +could have despatched you to Siberia. What do you +say to that? + +A MERCHANT. I'm guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. +The evil spirit tempted me. We will never complain +against you again. Ask whatever satisfaction +you want, only don't be angry. + +GOVERNOR. Don't be angry! Now you are crawling +at my feet. Why? Because I am on top now. But +if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then you +would trample me in the very dirt--you scoundrels! +And you would crush me under a beam besides. + +MERCHANTS [prostrating themselves]. Don't ruin us, +Anton Antonovich. + +GOVERNOR. Don't ruin us! Now you say, don't +ruin us! And what did you say before? I could give +you--[shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his +hands.] Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don't +harbor malice for long. Only look out now. Be on +your guard. My daughter is going to marry, not an +ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be-- +you understand? Don't try to get away with a dried +sturgeon or a loaf of sugar. Well, leave now, in God's +name. + +Merchants leave. + + + +SCENE III + + +The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, +then Rastakovsky. + +AMMOS [in the doorway]. Are we to believe the report, +Anton Antonovich? A most extraordinary piece +of good fortune has befallen you, hasn't it? + +ARTEMY. I have the honor to congratulate you on +your unusual good fortune. I was glad from the bottom +of my heart when I heard it. [Kisses Anna's +hand.] Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing Marya's hand.] +Marya Antonovna! + +Rastakovsky enters. + +RASTAKOVSKY. I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. +May God give you and the new couple long life and may +He grant you numerous progeny--grand-children and +great-grand-children. Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing +her hand.] Marya Antonovna! [Kissing her hand.] + + + +SCENE IV + + +The same, Korobkin and his Wife, Liuliukov. + +KOROBKIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, +Anton Antonovich, and you, Anna Andreyevna [kissing +her hand] and you Marya Antonovna [kissing her +hand]. + +KOROBKIN'S WIFE. I congratulate you from the bottom +of my heart, Anna Andreyevna, on your new stroke +of good fortune. + +LIULIUKOV. I have the honor to congratulate you, +Anna Andreyevna. [Kisses her hand and turns to the +audience, smacks his lips, putting on a bold front.] +Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you. +[Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same +way.] + + + +SCENE V + + +A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand +saying: "Anna Andreyevna," then Marya's hand, saying +"Marya Antonovna." + +Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky enter jostling each other. + +BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to congratulate you. + +DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, I have the honor +to congratulate you. + +BOBCHINSKY. On the happy event. + +DOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna! + +BOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna! + +They bend over her hand at the same time and bump +foreheads. + +DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna! [Kisses her +hand.] I have the honor to congratulate you. You +will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear garments +of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you +will pass your time most entertainingly. + +BOBCHINSKY [breaking in]. God give you all sorts +of riches and of money and a wee tiny little son, like +this. [Shows the size with his hands.] So that he +can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will +be crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow." + + + +SCENE VI + + +More Guests enter and kiss the ladies' hands, among +them Luka Lukich and his wife. + +LUKA LUKICH. I have the honor. + +LUKA'S WIFE [running ahead]. Congratulate you, +Anna Andreyevna. [They kiss.] Really, I was so +glad to hear of it. They tell me, "Anna Andreyevna +has betrothed her daughter." "Oh, my God," I think +to myself. It made me so glad that I said to my husband, +"Listen, Lukanchik, that's a great piece of fortune +for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," think I to myself, +"thank God!" And I say to him, "I'm so delighted +that I'm consumed with impatience to tell it to +Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh, my God," think I to +myself, "it's just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She +always did expect a good match for her daughter. And +now what luck! It happened just exactly as she wanted +it to happen." Really, it made me so glad that I +couldn't say a word. I cried and cried. I simply +screamed, so that Luka Lukich said to me, "What are +you crying so for, Nastenka?" "Lukanchik," I said, "I +don't know myself. The tears just keep flowing like a +stream." + +GOVERNOR. Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. +Ho, Mishka, bring some more chairs in. + +The Guests seat themselves. + + + +SCENE VII + + +The same, the Police Captain and Sergeants. + +CAPTAIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, +your Honor, and to wish you long years of prosperity. + +GOVERNOR. Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, +gentlemen. + +The Guests seat themselves. + +AMMOS. But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how +did it all come about, and how did it all--ahem!-- +go? + +GOVERNOR. It went in a most extraordinary way. +He condescended to make the proposal in his own person. + +ANNA. In the most respectful and most delicate +manner. He spoke beautifully. He said: "Anna +Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect for your +worth." And such a handsome, cultured man! His +manners so genteel! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," +he says, "life is not worth a penny to me. It is only +because I respect your rare qualities." + +MARYA. Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that. + +ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And +don't meddle in other people's affairs. "Anna Andreyevna," +he says, "I am enraptured." That was the +flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was +going to say, "We cannot possibly hope for such an +honor," he suddenly went down on his knees, and so +aristocratically! "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "don't +make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond +to my feelings, or else I'll put an end to my +life." + +MARYA. Really, mamma, it was to me he said that. + +ANNA. Yes, of course--to you, too. I don't deny +it. + +GOVERNOR. He even frightened us. He said he +would put a bullet through his brains. "I'll shoot myself, +I'll shoot myself," he said. + +MANY GUESTS. Well, for the Lord's sake! + +AMMOS. How remarkable! + +LUKA. It must have been fate that so ordained. + +ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a +turkey-hen. It was the Governor's services that brought +him this piece of fortune. [Aside.] Good luck always +does crawl into the mouths of swine like him. + +AMMOS. If you like, Anton Antonovich, I'll sell you +the dog we were bargaining about. + +GOVERNOR. I don't care about dogs now. + +AMMOS. Well, if you don't want it, then we'll agree +on some other dog. + +KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Oh, Anna Andreyevna, how +happy I am over your good fortune. You can't imagine +how happy I am. + +KOROBKIN. But where, may I ask, is the distinguished +guest now? I heard he had gone away for some +reason or other. + +GOVERNOR. Yes, he's gone off for a day on a highly +important matter. + +ANNA. To his uncle--to ask his blessing. + +GOVERNOR. To ask his blessing. But tomorrow-- +[He sneezes, and all burst into one exclamation of well-wishes.] +Thank you very much. But tomorrow he'll +be back. [He sneezes, and is congratulated again. +Above the other voices are heard those of the following.] + +{CAPTAIN. I wish you health, your Honor. + +{BOBCHINSKY. A hundred years and a sack of ducats. + +{DOBCHINSKY. May God increase it to a thousand. + +{ARTEMY. May you go to hell! + +{KOROBKIN'S WIFE. The devil take you! + +GOVERNOR. I'm very much obliged to you. I wish +you the same. + +ANNA. We intend to live in St. Petersburg now. I +must say, the atmosphere here is too village-like. I +must say, it's extremely unpleasant. My husband, too +--he'll be made a general there. + +GOVERNOR. Yes, confound it, gentlemen, I admit I +should very much like to be a general. + +LUKA. May God grant that you get a generalship. + +RASTAKOVSKY. From man it is impossible, but from +God everything is possible. + +AMMOS. High merits, high honors. + +ARTEMY. Reward according to service. + +AMMOS [aside]. The things he'll do when he becomes +a general. A generalship suits him as a saddle +suits a cow. It's a far cry to his generalship. There +are better men than you, and they haven't been made +generals yet. + +ARTEMY [aside]. The devil take it--he's aiming +for a generalship. Well, maybe he will become a general +after all. He's got the air of importance, the devil +take him! [Addressing the Governor.] Don't forget +us then, Anton Antonovich. + +AMMOS. And if anything happens--for instance, +some difficulty in our affairs--don't refuse us your protection. + +KOROBKIN. Next year I am going to take my son to +the capital to put him in government service. So do me +the kindness to give me your protection. Be a father to +the orphan. + +GOVERNOR. I am ready for my part--ready to exert +my efforts on your behalf. + +ANNA. Antosha, you are always ready with your +promises. In the first place, you won't have time to +think of such things. And how can you--how is it +possible for you, to burden yourself with such promises? + +GOVERNOR. Why not, my dear? It's possible occasionally. + +ANNA. Of course it's possible. But you can't give +protection to every small potato. + +KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Do you hear the way she speaks +of us? + +GUEST. She's always been that way. I know her. +Seat her at table and she'll put her feet on it. + + + +SCENE VIII + + +The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an +unsealed letter in his hand. + +POSTMASTER. A most astonishing thing, ladies and +gentlemen! The official whom we took to be an inspector-general +is not an inspector-general. + +ALL. How so? Not an inspector-general? + +POSTMASTER. No, not a bit of it. I found it out +from the letter. + +GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? What are +you talking about? What letter? + +POSTMASTER. His own letter. They bring a letter +to the postoffice, I glance at the address and I see +Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb. "Well," I +think to myself, "I suppose he found something wrong +in the postoffice department and is informing the government." +So I unsealed it. + +GOVERNOR. How could you? + +POSTMASTER. I don't know myself. A supernatural +power moved me. I had already summoned a courier +to send it off by express; but I was overcome by a +greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. "I +can't, I can't," I hear a voice telling me. "I can't." +But it pulled me and pulled me. In one ear I heard, +"Don't open the letter. You will die like a chicken," +and in the other it was just as if the devil were whispering, +"Open it, open it." And when I cracked the sealing +wax, I felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened +the letter, I froze, upon my word, I froze. And my +hands trembled, and everything whirled around me. + +GOVERNOR. But how did you dare to open it? The +letter of so powerful a personage? + +POSTMASTER. But that's just the point--he's neither +powerful nor a personage. + +GOVERNOR. Then what is he in your opinion? + +POSTMASTER. He's neither one thing nor another. +The devil knows what he is. + +GOVERNOR [furiously]. How neither one thing nor +another? How do you dare to call him neither one +thing nor another? And the devil knows what besides? +I'll put you under arrest. + +POSTMASTER. Who--you? + +GOVERNOR. Yes, I. + +POSTMASTER. You haven't the power. + +GOVERNOR. Do you know that he's going to marry +my daughter? That I myself am going to be a high +official and will have the power to exile to Siberia? + +POSTMASTER. Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia +is far away. I'd rather read the letter to you. +Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read the letter. + +ALL. Do read it. + +POSTMASTER [reads]. "I hasten to inform you, my +dear friend, what wonderful things have happened to +me. On the way here an infantry captain did me out +of my last penny, so that the innkeeper here wanted to +send me to jail, when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg +appearance and dress, the whole town took me for +a governor-general. Now I am staying at the governor's +home. I am having a grand time and I am flirting +desperately with his wife and daughter. I only haven't +decided whom to begin with. I think with the mother +first, because she seems ready to accept all terms. You +remember how hard up we were taking our meals wherever +we could without paying for them, and how once the +pastry cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged +pies that I ate to the king of England? Now it is +quite different. They lend me all the money I want. +They are an awful lot of originals. You would split +your sides laughing at them. I know you write for the +papers. Put them in your literature. In the first place +the Governor is as stupid as an old horse--" + +GOVERNOR. Impossible! That can't be in the letter. + +POSTMASTER [showing the letter]. Read for yourself. + +GOVERNOR [reads]. "As an old horse." Impossible! +You put it in yourself. + +POSTMASTER. How could I? + +ARTEMY. Go on reading. + +LUKA. Go on reading. + +POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. "The Governor +is as stupid as an old horse--" + +GOVERNOR. Oh, the devil! He's got to read it again. +As if it weren't there anyway. + +POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. H'm, h'm--"an +old horse. The Postmaster is a good man, too." [Stops +reading.] Well, here he's saying something improper +about me, too. + +GOVERNOR. Go on--read the rest. + +POSTMASTER. What for? + +GOVERNOR. The deuce take it! Once we have begun +to read it, we must read it all. + +ARTEMY. If you will allow me, I will read it. [Puts +on his eye-glasses and reads.] "The Postmaster is just +like the porter Mikheyev in our office, and the scoundrel +must drink just as hard." + +POSTMASTER [to the audience]. A bad boy! He +ought to be given a licking. That's all. + +ARTEMY [continues to read]. "The Superintendent +of Char-i-i--" [Stammers.] + +KOROBKIN. Why did you stop? + +ARTEMY. The handwriting isn't clear. Besides, it's +evident that he's a blackguard. + +KOROBKIN. Give it to me. I believe my eyesight is +better. + +ARTEMY [refusing to give up the letter]. No. This +part can be omitted. After that it's legible. + +KOROBKIN. Let me have it please. I'll see for myself. + +ARTEMY. I can read it myself. I tell you that after +this part it's all legible. + +POSTMASTER. No, read it all. Everything so far +could be read. + +ALL. Give him the letter, Artemy Filippovich, give +it to him. [To Korobkin.] You read it. + +ARTEMY. Very well. [Gives up the letter.] Here +it is. [Covers a part of it with his finger.] Read from +here on. [All press him.] + +POSTMASTER. Read it all, nonsense, read it all. + +KOROBKIN [reading]. "The Superintendent of +Charities, Zemlianika, is a regular pig in a cap." + +ARTEMY [to the audience]. Not a bit witty. A pig +in a cap! Have you ever seen a pig wear a cap? + +KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "The School Inspector +reeks of onions." + +LUKA [to the audience]. Upon my word, I never put +an onion to my mouth. + +AMMOS [aside]. Thank God, there's nothing about +me in it. + +KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "The Judge--" + +AMMOS. There! [Aloud.] Ladies and gentlemen, +I think the letter is far too long. To the devil with it! +Why should we go on reading such trash? + +LUKA. No. + +POSTMASTER. No, go on. + +ARTEMY. Go on reading. + +KOROBKIN. "The Judge, Liapkin-Tiapkin, is extremely +mauvais ton." [He stops.] That must be a +French word. + +AMMOS. The devil knows what it means. It wouldn't +be so bad if all it means is "cheat." But it may mean +something worse. + +KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "However, the people +are hospitable and kindhearted. Farewell, my dear +Triapichkin. I want to follow your example and take +up literature. It's tiresome to live this way, old boy. +One wants food for the mind, after all. I see I must +engage in something lofty. Address me: Village +of Podkatilovka in the Government of Saratov." +[Turns the letter and reads the address.] "Mr. Ivan +Vasilyevich Triapichkin, St. Petersburg, Pochtamtskaya +Street, House Number 97, Courtyard, third floor, right." + +A LADY. What an unexpected rebuke! + +GOVERNOR. He has cut my throat and cut it for +good. I'm done for, completely done for. I see nothing. +All I see are pigs' snouts instead of faces, and +nothing more. Catch him, catch him! [Waves his +hand.] + +POSTMASTER. Catch him! How? As if on purpose, +I told the overseer to give him the best coach and three. +The devil prompted me to give the order. + +KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Here's a pretty mess. + +AMMOS. Confound it, he borrowed three hundred +rubles from me. + +ARTEMY. He borrowed three hundred from me, too. + +POSTMASTER [sighing]. And from me, too. + +BOBCHINSKY. And sixty-five from me and Piotr Ivanovich. + +AMMOS [throwing up his hands in perplexity]. How's +that, gentlemen? Really, how could we have been so off +our guard? + +GOVERNOR [beating his forehead]. How could I, how +could I, old fool? I've grown childish, stupid mule. I +have been in the service thirty years. Not one merchant, +not one contractor has been able to impose on me. +I have over-reached one swindler after another. I have +caught crooks and sharpers that were ready to rob the +whole world. I have fooled three governor-generals. +As for governor-generals, [with a wave of his hand] +it is not even worth talking about them. + +ANNA. But how is it possible, Antosha? He's engaged +to Mashenka. + +GOVERNOR [in a rage]. Engaged! Rats! Fiddlesticks! +So much for your engagement! Thrusts her +engagement at me now! [In a frenzy.] Here, look at +me! Look at me, the whole world, the whole of Christendom. +See what a fool the governor was made of. Out +upon him, the fool, the old scoundrel! [Shakes his fist +at himself.] Oh, you fat-nose! To take an icicle, a rag +for a personage of rank! Now his coach bells are jingling +all along the road. He is publishing the story to +the whole world. Not only will you be made a laughing-stock +of, but some scribbler, some ink-splasher will put +you into a comedy. There's the horrid sting. He won't +spare either rank or station. And everybody will grin +and clap his hands. What are you laughing at? You +are laughing at yourself, oh you! [Stamps his feet.] +I would give it to all those ink-splashers! You scribblers, +damned liberals, devil's brood! I would tie you +all up in a bundle, I would grind you into meal, and +give it to the devil. [Shakes his fist and stamps his +heel on the floor. After a brief silence.] I can't come +to myself. It's really true, whom the gods want to punish +they first make mad. In what did that nincompoop +resemble an inspector-general? In nothing, not even +half the little finger of an inspector-general. And all +of a sudden everybody is going about saying, "Inspector-general, +inspector-general." Who was the first to say +it? Tell me. + +ARTEMY [throwing up his hands]. I couldn't tell how +it happened if I had to die for it. It is just as if a +mist had clouded our brains. The devil has confounded +us. + +AMMOS. Who was the first to say it? These two +here, this noble pair. [Pointing to Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky.] + +BOBCHINSKY. So help me God, not I. I didn't even +think of it. + +DOBCHINSKY. I didn't say a thing, not a thing. + +ARTEMY. Of course you did. + +LUKA. Certainly. You came running here from the +inn like madmen. "He's come, he's come. He doesn't +pay." Found a rare bird! + +GOVERNOR. Of course it was you. Town gossips, +damned liars! + +ARTEMY. The devil take you with your inspector-general +and your tattle. + +GOVERNOR. You run about the city, bother everybody, +confounded chatterboxes. You spread gossip, you short-tailed +magpies, you! + +AMMOS. Damned bunglers! + +LUKA. Simpletons. + +ARTEMY. Pot-bellied mushrooms! + +All crowd around them. + +BOBCHINSKY. Upon my word, it wasn't I. It was +Piotr Ivanovich. + +DOBCHINSKY. No, Piotr Ivanovich, you were the first. + +BOBCHINSKY. No, no. You were the first. + + + +LAST SCENE + + +The same and a Gendarme. + +GENDARME. An official from St. Petersburg sent by +imperial order has arrived, and wants to see you all at +once. He is stopping at the inn. + +All are struck as by a thunderbolt. A cry of amazement +bursts from the ladies simultaneously. The whole +group suddenly shifts positions and remains standing as +if petrified. + + + +SILENT SCENE + + +The Governor stands in the center rigid as a post, +with outstretched hands and head thrown backward. On +his right are his wife and daughter straining toward him. +Back of them the Postmaster, turned toward the audience, +metamorphosed into a question mark. Next to him, +at the edge of the group, three lady guests leaning +on each other, with a most satirical expression on their +faces directed straight at the Governor's family. To the +left of the Governor is Zemlianika, his head to one side +as if listening. Behind him is the Judge with outspread +hands almost crouching on the ground and pursing his +lips as if to whistle or say: "A nice pickle we're in!" +Next to him is Korobkin, turned toward the audience, +with eyes screwed up and making a venomous gesture +at the Governor. Next to him, at the edge of the group, +are Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky, gesticulating at each +other, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. The other guests +remain standing stiff. The whole group retain the same +position of rigidity for almost a minute and a half. The +curtain falls. + +THE END + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Inspector-General +by Nicolay Gogol + diff --git a/old/thnsp10.zip b/old/thnsp10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3841f76 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/thnsp10.zip |