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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Inspector-General, by Nicolay Gogol
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Inspector-General
+
+Author: Nicolay Gogol
+
+Translator: Thomas Seltzer
+
+Release Date: February, 2003  [Etext #3735]
+Posting Date: February 14, 2010
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Judy Boss
+
+
+
+
+
+THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL
+
+By Nicolay Gogol
+
+A comedy in five acts
+
+Translated by Thomas Seltzer from the Russian
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+The Inspector-General is a national institution. To place a purely
+literary valuation upon it and call it the greatest of Russian comedies
+would not convey the significance of its position either in Russian
+literature or in Russian life itself. There is no other single work in
+the modern literature of any language that carries with it the wealth of
+associations which the Inspector-General does to the educated Russian.
+The Germans have their Faust; but Faust is a tragedy with a cosmic
+philosophic theme. In England it takes nearly all that is implied in the
+comprehensive name of Shakespeare to give the same sense of bigness that
+a Russian gets from the mention of the Revizor.
+
+That is not to say that the Russian is so defective in the critical
+faculty as to balance the combined creative output of the greatest
+English dramatist against Gogol's one comedy, or even to attribute to
+it the literary value of any of Shakespeare's better plays. What the
+Russian's appreciation indicates is the pregnant role that literature
+plays in the life of intellectual Russia. Here literature is not a
+luxury, not a diversion. It is bone of the bone, flesh of the flesh, not
+only of the intelligentsia, but also of a growing number of the common
+people, intimately woven into their everyday existence, part and parcel
+of their thoughts, their aspirations, their social, political and
+economic life. It expresses their collective wrongs and sorrows, their
+collective hopes and strivings. Not only does it serve to lead the
+movements of the masses, but it is an integral component element of
+those movements. In a word, Russian literature is completely bound up
+with the life of Russian society, and its vitality is but the measure of
+the spiritual vitality of that society.
+
+This unique character of Russian literature may be said to have had its
+beginning with the Inspector-General. Before Gogol most Russian writers,
+with few exceptions, were but weak imitators of foreign models.
+The drama fashioned itself chiefly upon French patterns. The
+Inspector-General and later Gogol's novel, Dead Souls, established that
+tradition in Russian letters which was followed by all the great writers
+from Dostoyevsky down to Gorky.
+
+As with one blow, Gogol shattered the notions of the theatre-going
+public of his day of what a comedy should be. The ordinary idea of a
+play at that time in Russia seems to have been a little like our
+own tired business man's. And the shock the Revizor gave those early
+nineteenth-century Russian audiences is not unlike the shocks we
+ourselves get when once in a while a theatrical manager is courageous
+enough to produce a bold modern European play. Only the intensity of
+the shock was much greater. For Gogol dared not only bid defiance to the
+accepted method; he dared to introduce a subject-matter that under the
+guise of humor audaciously attacked the very foundation of the state,
+namely, the officialdom of the Russian bureaucracy. That is why the
+Revizor marks such a revolution in the world of Russian letters. In form
+it was realistic, in substance it was vital. It showed up the rottenness
+and corruption of the instruments through which the Russian government
+functioned. It held up to ridicule, directly, all the officials of
+a typical Russian municipality, and, indirectly, pointed to the same
+system of graft and corruption among the very highest servants of the
+crown.
+
+What wonder that the Inspector-General became a sort of comedy-epic in
+the land of the Czars, the land where each petty town-governor is almost
+an absolute despot, regulating his persecutions and extortions according
+to the sage saying of the town-governor in the play, "That's the way God
+made the world, and the Voltairean free-thinkers can talk against it
+all they like, it won't do any good." Every subordinate in the town
+administration, all the way down the line to the policemen, follow--not
+always so scrupulously--the law laid down by the same authority, "Graft
+no higher than your rank." As in city and town, so in village and
+hamlet. It is the tragedy of Russian life, which has its roots in that
+more comprehensive tragedy, Russian despotism, the despotism that gives
+the sharp edge to official corruption. For there is no possible redress
+from it except in violent revolutions.
+
+That is the prime reason why the Inspector-General, a mere comedy, has
+such a hold on the Russian people and occupies so important a place
+in Russian literature. And that is why a Russian critic says, "Russia
+possesses only one comedy, the Inspector-General."
+
+The second reason is the brilliancy and originality with which this
+national theme was executed. Gogol was above all else the artist. He was
+not a radical, nor even a liberal. He was strictly conservative. While
+hating the bureaucracy, yet he never found fault with the system
+itself or with the autocracy. Like most born artists, he was strongly
+individualistic in temperament, and his satire and ridicule were aimed
+not at causes, but at effects. Let but the individuals act morally, and
+the system, which Gogol never questioned, would work beautifully. This
+conception caused Gogol to concentrate his best efforts upon delineation
+of character. It was the characters that were to be revealed, their
+actions to be held up to scorn and ridicule, not the conditions which
+created the characters and made them act as they did. If any lesson at
+all was to be drawn from the play it was not a sociological lesson, but
+a moral one. The individual who sees himself mirrored in it may be moved
+to self-purgation; society has nothing to learn from it.
+
+Yet the play lives because of the social message it carries. The
+creation proved greater than the creator. The author of the Revizor was
+a poor critic of his own work. The Russian people rejected his
+estimate and put their own upon it. They knew their officials and they
+entertained no illusions concerning their regeneration so long as the
+system that bred them continued to live. Nevertheless, as a keen satire
+and a striking exposition of the workings of the hated system itself,
+they hailed the Revizor with delight. And as such it has remained graven
+in Russia's conscience to this day.
+
+It must be said that "Gogol himself grew with the writing of the
+Revizor." Always a careful craftsman, scarcely ever satisfied with the
+first version of a story or a play, continually changing and rewriting,
+he seems to have bestowed special attention on perfecting this comedy.
+The subject, like that of Dead Souls, was suggested to him by the poet
+Pushkin, and was based on a true incident. Pushkin at once recognized
+Gogol's genius and looked upon the young author as the rising star
+of Russian literature. Their acquaintance soon ripened into intimate
+friendship, and Pushkin missed no opportunity to encourage and stimulate
+him in his writings and help him with all the power of his great
+influence. Gogol began to work on the play at the close of 1834, when he
+was twenty-five years old. It was first produced in St. Petersburg,
+in 1836. Despite the many elaborations it had undergone before Gogol
+permitted it to be put on the stage, he still did not feel satisfied,
+and he began to work on it again in 1838. It was not brought down to its
+present final form until 1842.
+
+Thus the Revizor occupied the mind of the author over a period of
+eight years, and resulted in a product which from the point of view of
+characterization and dramatic technique is almost flawless. Yet far
+more important is the fact that the play marked an epoch in Gogol's own
+literary development. When he began on it, his ambitions did not rise
+above making it a comedy of pure fun, but, gradually, in the course of
+his working on it, the possibilities of the subject unfolded themselves
+and influenced his entire subsequent career. His art broadened and
+deepened and grew more serious. If Pushkin's remark, that "behind his
+laughter you feel the sad tears," is true of some of Gogol's former
+productions, it is still truer of the Revizor and his later works.
+
+A new life had begun for him, he tells us himself, when he was no longer
+"moved by childish notions, but by lofty ideas full of truth." "It was
+Pushkin," he writes, "who made me look at the thing seriously. I saw
+that in my writings I laughed vainly, for nothing, myself not knowing
+why. If I was to laugh, then I had better laugh over things that are
+really to be laughed at. In the Inspector-General I resolved to gather
+together all the bad in Russia I then knew into one heap, all the
+injustice that was practised in those places and in those human
+relations in which more than in anything justice is demanded of men, and
+to have one big laugh over it all. But that, as is well known, produced
+an outburst of excitement. Through my laughter, which never before came
+to me with such force, the reader sensed profound sorrow. I myself
+felt that my laughter was no longer the same as it had been, that in my
+writings I could no longer be the same as in the past, and that the need
+to divert myself with innocent, careless scenes had ended along with my
+young years."
+
+With the strict censorship that existed in the reign of Czar Nicholas I,
+it required powerful influence to obtain permission for the production
+of the comedy. This Gogol received through the instrumentality of
+his friend, Zhukovsky, who succeeded in gaining the Czar's personal
+intercession. Nicholas himself was present at the first production in
+April, 1836, and laughed and applauded, and is said to have remarked,
+"Everybody gets it, and I most of all."
+
+Naturally official Russia did not relish this innovation in dramatic
+art, and indignation ran high among them and their supporters. Bulgarin
+led the attack. Everything that is usually said against a new departure
+in literature or art was said against the Revizor. It was not original.
+It was improbable, impossible, coarse, vulgar; lacked plot. It turned
+on a stale anecdote that everybody knew. It was a rank farce. The
+characters were mere caricatures. "What sort of a town was it that did
+not hold a single honest soul?"
+
+Gogol's sensitive nature shrank before the tempest that burst upon him,
+and he fled from his enemies all the way out of Russia. "Do what you
+please about presenting the play in Moscow," he writes to Shchepkin four
+days after its first production in St. Petersburg. "I am not going to
+bother about it. I am sick of the play and all the fussing over it. It
+produced a great noisy effect. All are against me... they abuse me and
+go to see it. No tickets can be obtained for the fourth performance."
+
+But the best literary talent of Russia, with Pushkin and Bielinsky, the
+greatest critic Russia has produced, at the head, ranged itself on his
+side.
+
+Nicolay Vasilyevich Gogol was born in Sorochintzy, government of
+Poltava, in 1809. His father was a Little Russian, or Ukrainian,
+landowner, who exhibited considerable talent as a playwright and actor.
+Gogol was educated at home until the age of ten, then went to Niezhin,
+where he entered the gymnasium in 1821. Here he edited a students'
+manuscript magazine called the Star, and later founded a students'
+theatre, for which he was both manager and actor. It achieved such
+success that it was patronized by the general public.
+
+In 1829 Gogol went to St. Petersburg, where he thought of becoming
+an actor, but he finally gave up the idea and took a position as a
+subordinate government clerk. His real literary career began in 1830
+with the publication of a series of stories of Little Russian country
+life called Nights on a Farm near Dikanka. In 1831 he became acquainted
+with Pushkin and Zhukovsky, who introduced the "shy Khokhol" (nickname
+for "Little Russian"), as he was called, to the house of Madame O.
+A. Smirnov, the centre of "an intimate circle of literary men and the
+flower of intellectual society." The same year he obtained a position as
+instructor of history at the Patriotic Institute, and in 1834 was made
+professor of history at the University of St. Petersburg. Though his
+lectures were marked by originality and vivid presentation, he seems on
+the whole not to have been successful as a professor, and he resigned in
+1835.
+
+During this period he kept up his literary activity uninterruptedly, and
+in 1835 published his collection of stories, Mirgorod, containing
+How Ivan Ivanovich Quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich, Taras Bulba, and
+others. This collection firmly established his position as a leading
+author. At the same time he was at work on several plays. The Vladimir
+Cross, which was to deal with the higher St. Petersburg functionaries
+in the same way as the Revizor with the lesser town officials, was never
+concluded, as Gogol realized the impossibility of placing them on the
+Russian stage. A few strong scenes were published. The comedy Marriage,
+finished in 1835, still finds a place in the Russian theatrical
+repertoire. The Gamblers, his only other complete comedy, belongs to a
+later period.
+
+After a stay abroad, chiefly in Italy, lasting with some interruptions
+for seven years (1836-1841), he returned to his native country, bringing
+with him the first part of his greatest work, Dead Souls. The novel,
+published the following year, produced a profound impression and made
+Gogol's literary reputation supreme. Pushkin, who did not live to see
+its publication, on hearing the first chapters read, exclaimed, "God,
+how sad our Russia is!" And Alexander Hertzen characterized it as
+"a wonderful book, a bitter, but not hopeless rebuke of contemporary
+Russia." Aksakov went so far as to call it the Russian national epic,
+and Gogol the Russian Homer.
+
+Unfortunately the novel remained incomplete. Gogol began to suffer
+from a nervous illness which induced extreme hypochondria. He became
+excessively religious, fell under the influence of pietists and a
+fanatical priest, sank more and more into mysticism, and went on a
+pilgrimage to Jerusalem to worship at the Holy Sepulchre. In this
+state of mind he came to consider all literature, including his own, as
+pernicious and sinful.
+
+After burning the manuscript of the second part of Dead Souls, he began
+to rewrite it, had it completed and ready for the press by 1851, but
+kept the copy and burned it again a few days before his death (1852), so
+that it is extant only in parts.
+
+THOMAS SELTZER.
+
+
+
+
+CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY
+
+
+     ANTON ANTONOVICH SKVOZNIK-DMUKHANOVSKY, the
+     Governor.
+     ANNA ANDREYEVNA, his wife.
+     MARYA ANTONOVNA, his daughter.
+     LUKA LUKICH KHLOPOV, the Inspector of Schools.
+     His Wife.
+     AMMOS FIODOROVICH LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN, the Judge.
+     ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH ZEMLIANIKA, the Superintendent of
+     Charities.
+     IVAN KUZMICH SHPEKIN, the Postmaster.
+     PIOTR IVANOVICH DOBCHINSKY. }
+     PIOTR IVANOVICH BOBCHINSKY. } Country Squires.
+     IVAN ALEKSANDROVICH KHLESTAKOV, an official from St.
+     Petersburg.
+     OSIP, his servant.
+     CHRISTIAN IVANOVICH HÜBNER, the district Doctor.
+
+     FIODR ANDREYEVICH LULIUKOV. } ex-officials,
+                                  }esteemed
+     IVAN LAZAREVICH RASTAKOVSKY. }personages
+     STEPAN IVANOVICH KOROBKIN. }of the town.
+     STEPAN ILYICH UKHOVERTOV, the Police Captain.
+     SVISTUNOV.   }
+     PUGOVITZYN.  }Police Sergeants.
+     DERZHIMORDA. }
+     ABDULIN, a Merchant.
+     FEVRONYA PETROVA POSHLIOPKINA, the Locksmith's wife.
+     The Widow of a non-commissioned Officer.
+     MISHKA, the Governor's Servant.
+     Servant at the Inn.
+     Guests, Merchants, Citizens, and Petitioners.
+
+
+CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES
+
+
+
+
+DIRECTIONS FOR ACTORS
+
+
+THE GOVERNOR.--A man grown old in the service, by no means a fool in his
+own way. Though he takes bribes, he carries himself with dignity. He is
+of a rather serious turn and even given somewhat to ratiocination. He
+speaks in a voice neither too loud nor too low and says neither too much
+nor too little. Every word of his counts. He has the typical hard stern
+features of the official who has worked his way up from the lowest rank
+in the arduous government service. Coarse in his inclinations, he passes
+rapidly from fear to joy, from servility to arrogance. He is dressed in
+uniform with frogs and wears Hessian boots with spurs. His hair with a
+sprinkling of gray is close-cropped.
+
+ANNA ANDREYEVNA.--A provincial coquette, still this side of middle age,
+educated on novels and albums and on fussing with household affairs and
+servants. She is highly inquisitive and has streaks of vanity. Sometimes
+she gets the upper hand over her husband, and he gives in simply because
+at the moment he cannot find the right thing to say. Her ascendency,
+however, is confined to mere trifles and takes the form of lecturing and
+twitting. She changes her dress four times in the course of the play.
+
+KHLESTAKOV.--A skinny young man of about twenty-three, rather stupid,
+being, as they say, "without a czar in his head," one of those persons
+called an "empty vessel" in the government offices. He speaks and acts
+without stopping to think and utterly lacks the power of concentration.
+The words burst from his mouth unexpectedly. The more naiveté
+and ingenousness the actor puts into the character the better will he
+sustain the role. Khlestakov is dressed in the latest fashion.
+
+OSIP.--A typical middle-aged servant, grave in his address, with eyes
+always a bit lowered. He is argumentative and loves to read sermons
+directed at his master. His voice is usually monotonous. To his master
+his tone is blunt and sharp, with even a touch of rudeness. He is the
+cleverer of the two and grasps a situation more quickly. But he does not
+like to talk. He is a silent, uncommunicative rascal. He wears a shabby
+gray or blue coat.
+
+BOBCHINSKY AND DOBCHINSKY.--Short little fellows, strikingly like
+each other. Both have small paunches, and talk rapidly, with emphatic
+gestures of their hands, features and bodies. Dobchinsky is slightly
+the taller and more subdued in manner. Bobchinsky is freer, easier and
+livelier. They are both exceedingly inquisitive.
+
+LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN.--He has read four or five books and so is a bit of
+a freethinker. He is always seeing a hidden meaning in things and
+therefore puts weight into every word he utters. The actor should
+preserve an expression of importance throughout. He speaks in a bass
+voice, with a prolonged rattle and wheeze in his throat, like an
+old-fashioned clock, which buzzes before it strikes.
+
+ZEMLIANIKA.--Very fat, slow and awkward; but for all that a sly, cunning
+scoundrel. He is very obliging and officious.
+
+SHPEKIN.--Guileless to the point of simplemindedness. The other
+characters require no special explanation, as their originals can be met
+almost anywhere.
+
+The actors should pay especial attention to the last scene. The last
+word uttered must strike all at once, suddenly, like an electric shock.
+The whole group should change its position at the same instant. The
+ladies must all burst into a simultaneous cry of astonishment, as if
+with one throat. The neglect of these directions may ruin the whole
+effect.
+
+
+
+
+
+THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL
+
+
+
+
+ACT I
+
+A Room in the Governor's House.
+
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+
+Anton Antonovich, the Governor, Artemy Filippovich, the Superintendent
+of Charities, Luka Lukich, the Inspector of Schools, Ammos Fiodorovich,
+the Judge, Stepan Ilyich, Christian Ivanovich, the Doctor, and two
+Police Sergeants.
+
+GOVERNOR. I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an
+unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector-General is coming.
+
+AMMOS FIOD. What, an Inspector-General?
+
+ARTEMY FIL. What, an Inspector-General?
+
+GOVERNOR. Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with
+secret instructions, too.
+
+AMMOS. A pretty how-do-you-do!
+
+ARTEMY. As if we hadn't enough trouble without an Inspector!
+
+LUKA LUKICH. Good Lord! With secret instructions!
+
+GOVERNOR. I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last night I kept dreaming
+of two rats--regular monsters! Upon my word, I never saw the likes of
+them--black and supernaturally big. They came in, sniffed, and then went
+away.--Here's a letter I'll read to you--from Andrey Ivanovich. You
+know him, Artemy Filippovich. Listen to what he writes: "My dear
+friend, godfather and benefactor--[He mumbles, glancing rapidly down the
+page.]--and to let you know"--Ah, that's it--"I hasten to let you know,
+among other things, that an official has arrived here with instructions
+to inspect the whole government, and your district especially. [Raises
+his finger significantly.] I have learned of his being here from highly
+trustworthy sources, though he pretends to be a private person. So, as
+you have your little peccadilloes, you know, like everybody else--you
+are a sensible man, and you don't let the good things that come your
+way slip by--" [Stopping] H'm, that's his junk--"I advise you to take
+precautions, as he may arrive any hour, if he hasn't already, and is not
+staying somewhere incognito.--Yesterday--" The rest are family matters.
+"Sister Anna Krillovna is here visiting us with her husband. Ivan
+Krillovich has grown very fat and is always playing the fiddle"--et
+cetera, et cetera. So there you have the situation we are confronted
+with, gentlemen.
+
+AMMOS. An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary! Something behind
+it, I am sure.
+
+LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich? What for? Why should we have an
+Inspector?
+
+GOVERNOR. It's fate, I suppose. [Sighs.] Till now, thank goodness, they
+have been nosing about in other towns. Now our turn has come.
+
+AMMOS. My opinion is, Anton Antonovich, that the cause is a deep one
+and rather political in character. It means this, that Russia--yes--that
+Russia intends to go to war, and the Government has secretly
+commissioned an official to find out if there is any treasonable
+activity anywhere.
+
+GOVERNOR. The wise man has hit on the very thing. Treason in this little
+country town! As if it were on the frontier! Why, you might gallop three
+years away from here and reach nowhere.
+
+AMMOS. No, you don't catch on--you don't--The Government is shrewd. It
+makes no difference that our town is so remote. The Government is on the
+look-out all the same--
+
+GOVERNOR [cutting him short]. On the look-out, or not on the look-out,
+anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you warning. I have made some
+arrangements for myself, and I advise you to do the same. You
+especially, Artemy Filippovich. This official, no doubt, will want first
+of all to inspect your department. So you had better see to it that
+everything is in order, that the night-caps are clean, and the patients
+don't go about as they usually do, looking as grimy as blacksmiths.
+
+ARTEMY. Oh, that's a small matter. We can get night-caps easily enough.
+
+GOVERNOR. And over each bed you might hang up a placard stating in Latin
+or some other language--that's your end of it, Christian Ivanovich--the
+name of the disease, when the patient fell ill, the day of the week
+and the month. And I don't like your invalids to be smoking such strong
+tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you come in. It would be better, too,
+if there weren't so many of them. If there are a large number, it
+will instantly be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent medical
+treatment.
+
+ARTEMY. Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out
+our own system. Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better. We use
+no expensive medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he'd die
+anyway. If he gets well, he'd get well anyway. Besides, the doctor would
+have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn't know a
+word of Russian.
+
+The Doctor gives forth a sound intermediate between M and A.
+
+GOVERNOR. And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better look to the courthouse.
+The attendants have turned the entrance hall where the petitioners
+usually wait into a poultry yard, and the geese and goslings go poking
+their beaks between people's legs. Of course, setting up housekeeping is
+commendable, and there is no reason why a porter shouldn't do it. Only,
+you see, the courthouse is not exactly the place for it. I had meant to
+tell you so before, but somehow it escaped my memory.
+
+AMMOS. Well, I'll have them all taken into the kitchen to-day. Will you
+come and dine with me?
+
+GOVERNOR. Then, too, it isn't right to have the courtroom littered up
+with all sorts of rubbish--to have a hunting-crop lying right among the
+papers on your desk. You're fond of sport, I know, still it's better to
+have the crop removed for the present. When the Inspector is gone, you
+may put it back again. As for your assessor, he's an educated man, to
+be sure, but he reeks of spirits, as if he had just emerged from a
+distillery. That's not right either. I had meant to tell you so long
+ago, but something or other drove the thing out of my mind. If his
+odor is really a congenital defect, as he says, then there are ways of
+remedying it. You might advise him to eat onion or garlic, or something
+of the sort. Christian Ivanovich can help him out with some of his
+nostrums.
+
+The Doctor makes the same sound as before.
+
+AMMOS. No, there's no cure for it. He says his nurse struck him when he
+was a child, and ever since he has smelt of vodka.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, I just wanted to call your attention to it. As regards
+the internal administration and what Andrey Ivanovich in his letter
+calls "little peccadilloes," I have nothing to say. Why, of course,
+there isn't a man living who hasn't some sins to answer for. That's the
+way God made the world, and the Voltairean freethinkers can talk against
+it all they like, it won't do any good.
+
+AMMOS. What do you mean by sins? Anton Antonovich? There are sins and
+sins. I tell everyone plainly that I take bribes. I make no bones about
+it. But what kind of bribes? White greyhound puppies. That's quite a
+different matter.
+
+GOVERNOR. H'm. Bribes are bribes, whether puppies or anything else.
+
+AMMOS. Oh, no, Anton Antonovich. But if one has a fur overcoat worth
+five hundred rubles, and one's wife a shawl--
+
+GOVERNOR. [testily]. And supposing greyhound puppies are the only bribes
+you take? You're an atheist, you never go to church, while I at least am
+a firm believer and go to church every Sunday. You--oh, I know you. When
+you begin to talk about the Creation it makes my flesh creep.
+
+AMMOS. Well, it's a conclusion I've reasoned out with my own brain.
+
+GOVERNOR. Too much brain is sometimes worse than none at all.--However,
+I merely mentioned the courthouse. I dare say nobody will ever look at
+it. It's an enviable place. God Almighty Himself seems to watch over it.
+But you, Luka Lukich, as inspector of schools, ought to have an eye on
+the teachers. They are very learned gentlemen, no doubt, with a college
+education, but they have funny habits--inseparable from the profession,
+I know. One of them, for instance, the man with the fat face--I forget
+his name--is sure, the moment he takes his chair, to screw up his face
+like this. [Imitates him.] And then he has a trick of sticking his hand
+under his necktie and smoothing down his beard. It doesn't matter, of
+course, if he makes a face at the pupils; perhaps it's even necessary.
+I'm no judge of that. But you yourself will admit that if he does it to
+a visitor, it may turn out very badly. The Inspector, or anyone else,
+might take it as meant for himself, and then the deuce knows what might
+come of it.
+
+LUKA. But what can I do? I have told him about it time and again. Only
+the other day when the marshal of the nobility came into the class-room,
+he made such a face at him as I had never in my life seen before. I
+dare say it was with the best intentions; But I get reprimanded for
+permitting radical ideas to be instilled in the minds of the young.
+
+GOVERNOR. And then I must call your attention to the history teacher. He
+has a lot of learning in his head and a store of facts. That's evident.
+But he lectures with such ardor that he quite forgets himself. Once
+I listened to him. As long as he was talking about the Assyrians
+and Babylonians, it was not so bad. But when he reached Alexander of
+Macedon, I can't describe what came over him. Upon my word, I thought a
+fire had broken out. He jumped down from the platform, picked up a chair
+and dashed it to the floor. Alexander of Macedon was a hero, it is true.
+But that's no reason for breaking chairs. The state must bear the cost.
+
+LUKA. Yes, he is a hot one. I have spoken to him about it several times.
+He only says: "As you please, but in the cause of learning I will even
+sacrifice my life."
+
+GOVERNOR. Yes, it's a mysterious law of fate. Your clever man is either
+a drunkard, or he makes such grimaces that you feel like running away.
+
+LUKA. Ah, Heaven save us from being in the educational department! One's
+afraid of everything. Everybody meddles and wants to show that he is as
+clever as you.
+
+GOVERNOR. Oh, that's nothing. But this cursed incognito! All of a sudden
+he'll look in: "Ah, so you're here, my dear fellows! And who's the judge
+here?" says he. "Liapkin-Tiapkin." "Bring Liapkin-Tiapkin here.--And who
+is the Superintendent of Charities?" "Zemlianika."--"Bring Zemlianika
+here!"--That's what's bad.
+
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+
+Enter Ivan Kuzmich, the Postmaster.
+
+POSTMASTER. Tell me, gentlemen, who's coming? What chinovnik?
+
+GOVERNOR. What, haven't you heard?
+
+POSTMASTER. Bobchinsky told me. He was at the postoffice just now.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, what do you think of it?
+
+POSTMASTER. What do I think of it? Why, there'll be a war with the
+Turks.
+
+AMMOS. Exactly. Just what I thought.
+
+GOVERNOR [sarcastically]. Yes, you've both hit in the air precisely.
+
+POSTMASTER. It's war with the Turks for sure, all fomented by the
+French.
+
+GOVERNOR. Nonsense! War with the Turks indeed. It's we who are going to
+get it, not the Turks. You may count on that. Here's a letter to prove
+it.
+
+POSTMASTER. In that case, then, we won't go to war with the Turks.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, how do you feel about it, Ivan Kuzmich?
+
+POSTMASTER. How do I feel? How do YOU feel about it, Anton Antonovich?
+
+GOVERNOR. I? Well, I'm not afraid, but I just feel a little--you
+know--The merchants and townspeople bother me. I seem to be unpopular
+with them. But the Lord knows if I've taken from some I've done it
+without a trace of ill-feeling. I even suspect--[Takes him by the
+arm and walks aside with him.]--I even suspect that I may have been
+denounced. Or why would they send an Inspector to us? Look here, Ivan
+Kuzmich, don't you think you could--ahem!--just open a little every
+letter that passes through your office and read it--for the common
+benefit of us all, you know--to see if it contains any kind of
+information against me, or is only ordinary correspondence. If it is all
+right, you can seal it up again, or simply deliver the letter opened.
+
+POSTMASTER. Oh, I know. You needn't teach me that. I do it not so much
+as a precaution as out of curiosity. I just itch to know what's doing in
+the world. And it's very interesting reading, I tell you. Some letters
+are fascinating--parts of them written grand--more edifying than the
+Moscow Gazette.
+
+GOVERNOR. Tell me, then, have you read anything about any official from
+St. Petersburg?
+
+POSTMASTER. No, nothing about a St. Petersburg official, but plenty
+about Kostroma and Saratov ones. A pity you don't read the letters.
+There are some very fine passages in them. For instance, not long ago a
+lieutenant writes to a friend describing a ball very wittily.--Splendid!
+"Dear friend," he says, "I live in the regions of the Empyrean, lots of
+girls, bands playing, flags flying." He's put a lot of feeling into his
+description, a whole lot. I've kept the letter on purpose. Would you
+like to read it?
+
+GOVERNOR. No, this is no time for such things. But please, Ivan Kuzmich,
+do me the favor, if ever you chance upon a complaint or denunciation,
+don't hesitate a moment, hold it back.
+
+POSTMASTER. I will, with the greatest pleasure.
+
+AMMOS. You had better be careful. You may get yourself into trouble.
+
+POSTMASTER. Goodness me!
+
+GOVERNOR. Never mind, never mind. Of course, it would be different if
+you published it broadcast. But it's a private affair, just between us.
+
+AMMOS. Yes, it's a bad business--I really came here to make you a
+present of a puppy, sister to the dog you know about. I suppose you have
+heard that Cheptovich and Varkhovinsky have started a suit. So now I
+live in clover. I hunt hares first on the one's estate, then on the
+other's.
+
+GOVERNOR. I don't care about your hares now, my good friend. That cursed
+incognito is on my brain. Any moment the door may open and in walk--
+
+
+
+SCENE III
+
+
+Enter Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, out of breath.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. What an extraordinary occurrence!
+
+DOBCHINSKY. An unexpected piece of news!
+
+ALL. What is it? What is it?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Something quite unforeseen. We were about to enter the inn--
+
+BOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Yes, Piotr Ivanovich and I were entering the
+inn--
+
+DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Please, Piotr Ivanovich, let me tell.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. No, please, let me--let me. You can't. You haven't got the
+style for it.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Oh, but you'll get mixed up and won't remember everything.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Yes, I will, upon my word, I will. PLEASE don't interrupt!
+Do let me tell the news--don't interrupt! Pray, oblige me, gentlemen,
+and tell Dobchinsky not to interrupt.
+
+GOVERNOR. Speak, for Heaven's sake! What is it? My heart is in my mouth!
+Sit down, gentlemen, take seats. Piotr Ivanovich, here's a chair for
+you. [All seat themselves around Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky.] Well, now,
+what is it? What is it?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Permit me, permit me. I'll tell it all just as it happened.
+As soon as I had the pleasure of taking leave of you after you were good
+enough to be bothered with the letter which you had received, sir, I ran
+out--now, please don't keep interrupting, Dobchinsky. I know all about
+it, all, I tell you.--So I ran out to see Korobkin. But not finding
+Korobkin at home, I went off to Rastakovsky, and not seeing him, I went
+to Ivan Kuzmich to tell him of the news you'd got. Going on from there I
+met Dobchinsky--
+
+DOBCHINSKY [interjecting]. At the stall where they sell pies--
+
+BOBCHINSKY. At the stall where they sell pies. Well, I met Dobchinsky
+and I said to him: "Have you heard the news that came to Anton
+Antonovich in a letter which is absolutely reliable?" But Piotr
+Ivanovich had already heard of it from your housekeeper, Avdotya, who, I
+don't know why, had been sent to Filipp Antonovich Pachechuyev--
+
+DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. To get a little keg for French brandy.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Yes, to get a little keg for French brandy. So then I went
+with Dobchinsky to Pachechuyev's.--Will you stop, Piotr Ivanovich?
+Please don't interrupt.--So off we went to Pachechuyev's, and on the
+way Dobchinsky said: "Let's go to the inn," he said. "I haven't eaten a
+thing since morning. My stomach is growling." Yes, sir, his stomach was
+growling. "They've just got in a supply of fresh salmon at the inn," he
+said. "Let's take a bite." We had hardly entered the inn when we saw a
+young man--
+
+DOBCHINSKY [Interrupting]. Of rather good appearance and dressed in
+ordinary citizen's clothes.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Yes, of rather good appearance and dressed in citizen's
+clothes--walking up and down the room. There was something out of the
+usual about his face, you know, something deep--and a manner about
+him--and here [raises his hand to his forehead and turns it around
+several times] full, full of everything. I had a sort of feeling, and I
+said to Dobchinsky, "Something's up. This is no ordinary matter."
+Yes, and Dobchinsky beckoned to the landlord, Vlas, the innkeeper,
+you know,--three weeks ago his wife presented him with a baby--a
+bouncer--he'll grow up just like his father and keep a tavern.--Well,
+we beckoned to Vlas, and Dobchinsky asked him on the quiet, "Who," he
+asked, "is that young man?" "That young man," Vlas replied, "that young
+man"--Oh, don't interrupt, Piotr Ivanovich, please don't interrupt. You
+can't tell the story. Upon my word, you can't. You lisp and one tooth in
+your mouth makes you whistle. I know what I'm saying. "That young man,"
+he said, "is an official."--Yes, sir.--"On his way from St. Petersburg.
+And his name," he said, "is Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, and he's
+going," he said "to the government of Saratov," he said. "And he acts
+so queerly. It's the second week he's been here and he's never left the
+house; and he won't pay a penny, takes everything on account." When
+Vlas told me that, a light dawned on me from above, and I said to Piotr
+Ivanovich, "Hey!"--
+
+DOBCHINSKY. No, Piotr Ivanovich, I said "HEY!"
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Well first YOU said it, then I did. "Hey!" said both of us,
+"And why does he stick here if he's going to Saratov?"--Yes, sir, that's
+he, the official.
+
+GOVERNOR. Who? What official?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Why, the official who you were notified was coming, the
+Inspector.
+
+GOVERNOR [terrified]. Great God! What's that you're saying. It can't be
+he.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. It is, though. Why, he doesn't pay his bills and he doesn't
+leave. Who else can it be? And his postchaise is ordered for Saratov.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. It's he, it's he, it's he--why, he's so alert, he
+scrutinized everything. He saw that Dobchinsky and I were eating
+salmon--chiefly on account of Dobchinsky's stomach--and he looked at our
+plates so hard that I was frightened to death.
+
+GOVERNOR. The Lord have mercy on us sinners! In what room is he staying?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Room number 5 near the stairway.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. In the same room that the officers quarreled in when they
+passed through here last year.
+
+GOVERNOR. How long has he been here?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Two weeks. He came on St. Vasili's day.
+
+GOVERNOR. Two weeks! [Aside.] Holy Fathers and saints preserve me! In
+those two weeks I have flogged the wife of a non-commissioned officer,
+the prisoners were not given their rations, the streets are dirty as a
+pothouse--a scandal, a disgrace! [Clutches his head with both hands.]
+
+ARTEMY. What do you think, Anton Antonovich, hadn't we better go in
+state to the inn?
+
+AMMOS. No, no. First send the chief magistrate, then the clergy, then
+the merchants. That's what it says in the book. The Acts of John the
+Freemason.
+
+GOVERNOR. No, no, leave it to me. I have been in difficult situations
+before now. They have passed off all right, and I was even rewarded
+with thanks. Maybe the Lord will help us out this time, too. [Turns to
+Bobchinsky.] You say he's a young man?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Yes, about twenty-three or four at the most.
+
+GOVERNOR. So much the better. It's easier to pump things out of a young
+man. It's tough if you've got a hardened old devil to deal with. But a
+young man is all on the surface. You, gentlemen, had better see to your
+end of things while I go unofficially, by myself, or with Dobchinsky
+here, as though for a walk, to see that the visitors that come to town
+are properly accommodated. Here, Svistunov. [To one of the Sergeants.]
+
+SVISTUNOV. Sir.
+
+GOVERNOR. Go instantly to the Police Captain--or, no, I'll want you.
+Tell somebody to send him here as quickly as possibly and then come
+back.
+
+Svistunov hurries off.
+
+ARTEMY. Let's go, let's go, Ammos Fiodorovich. We may really get into
+trouble.
+
+AMMOS. What have you got to be afraid of? Put clean nightcaps on the
+patients and the thing's done.
+
+ARTEMY. Nightcaps! Nonsense! The patients were ordered to have oatmeal
+soup. Instead of that there's such a smell of cabbage in all the
+corridors that you've got to hold your nose.
+
+AMMOS. Well, my mind's at ease. Who's going to visit the court?
+Supposing he does look at the papers, he'll wish he had left them alone.
+I have been on the bench fifteen years, and when I take a look into a
+report, I despair. King Solomon in all his wisdom could not tell what is
+true and what is not true in it.
+
+The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School Inspector, and
+Postmaster go out and bump up against the Sergeant in the doorway as the
+latter returns.
+
+
+
+SCENE IV
+
+
+The Governor, Bobchinsky, Dobchinsky, and Sergeant Svistunov.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, is the cab ready?
+
+SVISTUNOV. Yes, sir.
+
+GOVERNOR. Go out on the street--or, no, stop--go and bring--why, where
+are the others? Why are you alone? Didn't I give orders for Prokhorov to
+be here? Where is Prokhorov?
+
+SVISTUNOV. Prokhorov is in somebody's house and can't go on duty just
+now.
+
+GOVERNOR. Why so?
+
+SVISTUNOV. Well, they brought him back this morning dead drunk. They
+poured two buckets of water over him, but he hasn't sobered up yet.
+
+GOVERNOR [clutching his head with both hands]. For Heaven's sake! Go
+out on duty quick--or, no, run up to my room, do you hear? And fetch my
+sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, [to Dobchinsky] come.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. And me--me, too. Let me come, too, Anton Antonovich.
+
+GOVERNOR. No, no, Bobchinsky, it won't do. Besides there is not enough
+room in the cab.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Oh, that doesn't matter. I'll follow the cab on foot--on
+foot. I just want to peep through a crack--so--to see that manner of
+his--how he acts.
+
+GOVERNOR [turning to the Sergeant and taking his sword]. Be off and get
+the policemen together. Let them each take a--there, see how scratched
+my sword is. It's that dog of a merchant, Abdulin. He sees the
+Governor's sword is old and doesn't provide a new one. Oh, the sharpers!
+I'll bet they've got their petitions against me ready in their coat-tail
+pockets.--Let each take a street in his hand--I don't mean a street--a
+broom--and sweep the street leading to the inn, and sweep it clean,
+and--do you hear? And see here, I know you, I know your tricks. You
+insinuate yourselves into the inn and walk off with silver spoons in
+your boots. Just you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you
+been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave you two yards of
+cloth for your uniform and you stole the whole piece. Take care. You're
+only a Sergeant. Don't graft higher than your rank. Off with you.
+
+
+
+SCENE V
+
+
+Enter the Police Captain.
+
+GOVERNOR. Hello, Stepan Ilyich, where the dickens have you been keeping
+yourself? What do you mean by acting that way?
+
+CAPTAIN. Why, I was just outside the gate.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, listen, Stepan Ilyich. An official has come from St.
+Petersburg. What have you done about it?
+
+CAPTAIN. What you told me to. I sent Sergeant Pugovichyn with policemen
+to clean the street.
+
+GOVERNOR. Where is Derzhimorda?
+
+CAPTAIN. He has gone off on the fire engine.
+
+GOVERNOR. And Prokhorov is drunk?
+
+CAPTAIN. Yes.
+
+GOVERNOR. How could you allow him to get drunk?
+
+CAPTAIN. God knows. Yesterday there was a fight outside the town. He
+went to restore order and was brought back drunk.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, then, this is what you are to do.--Sergeant
+Pugovichyn--he is tall. So he is to stand on duty on the bridge for
+appearance' sake. Then the old fence near the bootmaker's must be pulled
+down at once and a post stuck up with a whisp of straw so as to look
+like grading. The more debris there is the more it will show the
+governor's activity.--Good God, though, I forgot that about forty
+cart-loads of rubbish have been dumped against that fence. What a vile,
+filthy town this is! A monument, or even only a fence, is erected, and
+instantly they bring a lot of dirt together, from the devil knows where,
+and dump it there. [Heaves a sigh.] And if the functionary that has come
+here asks any of the officials whether they are satisfied, they are to
+say, "Perfectly satisfied, your Honor"; and if anybody is not satisfied,
+I'll give him something to be dissatisfied about afterwards.--Ah, I'm
+a sinner, a terrible sinner. [Takes the hat-box, instead of his hat.]
+Heaven only grant that I may soon get this matter over and done with;
+then I'll donate a candle such as has never been offered before. I'll
+levy a hundred pounds of wax from every damned merchant. Oh my, oh my!
+Come, let's go, Piotr Ivanovich. [Tries to put the hat-box on his head
+instead of his hat.]
+
+CAPTAIN. Anton Antonovich, that's the hat-box, not your hat.
+
+GOVERNOR [throwing the box down]. If it's the hat-box, it's the hat-box,
+the deuce take it!--And if he asks why the church at the hospital for
+which the money was appropriated five years ago has not been built,
+don't let them forget to say that the building was begun but was
+destroyed by fire. I sent in a report about it, you know. Some blamed
+fool might forget and let out that the building was never even begun.
+And tell Derzhimorda not to be so free with his fists. Guilty
+or innocent, he makes them all see stars in the cause of public
+order.--Come on, come on, Dobchinsky. [Goes out and returns.] And don't
+let the soldiers appear on the streets with nothing on. That rotten
+garrison wear their coats directly over their undershirts.
+
+All go out.
+
+
+
+SCENE VI
+
+
+Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna rush in on the stage.
+
+ANNA. Where are they? Where are they? Oh, my God! [opening the door.]
+Husband! Antosha! Anton! [hurriedly, to Marya.] It's all your fault.
+Dawdling! Dawdling!--"I want a pin--I want a scarf." [Runs to the window
+and calls.] Anton, where are you going? Where are you going? What! He
+has come? The Inspector? He has a moustache? What kind of a moustache?
+
+GOVERNOR [from without]. Wait, dear. Later.
+
+ANNA. Wait? I don't want to wait. The idea, wait! I only want one word.
+Is he a colonel or what? Eh? [Disgusted.] There, he's gone! You'll pay
+for it! It's all your fault--you, with your "Mamma, dear, wait a moment,
+I'll just pin my scarf. I'll come directly." Yes, directly! Now we have
+missed the news. It's all your confounded coquettishness. You heard the
+Postmaster was here and so you must prink and prim yourself in front of
+the mirror--look on this side and that side and all around. You imagine
+he's smitten with you. But I can tell you he makes a face at you the
+moment you turn your back.
+
+MARYA. It can't be helped, mamma. We'll know everything in a couple of
+hours anyway.
+
+ANNA. In a couple of hours! Thank you! A nice answer. Why don't you
+say, in a month. We'll know still more in a month. [She leans out of the
+window.] Here, Avdotya! I say! Have you heard whether anybody has come,
+Avdotya?--No, you goose, you didn't--He waved his hands? Well, what of
+it? Let him wave his hands. But you should have asked him anyhow.
+You couldn't find out, of course, with your head full of nonsense and
+lovers. Eh, what? They left in a hurry? Well, you should have run after
+the carriage. Off with you, off with you at once, do you hear? Run and
+ask everybody where they are. Be sure and find out who the newcomer
+is and what he is like, do you hear? Peep through a crack and find
+everything out--what sort of eyes he has, whether they are black or
+blue, and be back here instantly, this minute, do you hear? Quick,
+quick, quick!
+
+She keeps on calling and they both stand at the window until the curtain
+drops.
+
+
+
+
+ACT II
+
+
+A small room in the inn, bed, table, travelling bag, empty bottle,
+boots, clothes brush, etc.
+
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+
+OSIP [lying on his master's bed]. The devil take it! I'm so hungry.
+There's a racket in my belly, as if a whole regiment were blowing
+trumpets. We'll never reach home. I'd like to know what we are going to
+do. Two months already since we left St. Pete. He's gone through all his
+cash, the precious buck, so now he sticks here with his tail between his
+legs and takes it easy. We'd have had enough and more than enough to pay
+for the fare, but no he must exhibit himself in every town. [Imitates
+him.] "Osip, get me the best room to be had and order the best dinner
+they serve. I can't stand bad food. I must have the best." It would be
+all right for a somebody, but for a common copying clerk! Goes and gets
+acquainted with the other travellers, plays cards, and plays himself
+out of his last penny. Oh, I'm sick of this life. It's better in our
+village, really. There isn't so much going on, but then there is less to
+bother about. You get yourself a wife and lie on the stove all the time
+and eat pie. Of course, if you wanted to tell the truth, there's no
+denying it that there's nothing like living in St. Pete. All you want is
+money. And then you can live smart and classy--theeadres, dogs to dance
+for you, everything, and everybody talks so genteel, pretty near like
+in high society. If you go to the Schukin bazaar, the shopkeepers cry,
+"Gentlemen," at you. You sit with the officials in the ferry boat. If
+you want company, you go into a shop. A sport there will tell you about
+life in the barracks and explain the meaning of every star in the sky,
+so that you see them all as if you held them in your hand. Then an old
+officer's wife will gossip, or a pretty chambermaid will dart a look
+at you--ta, ta, ta! [Smirks and wags his head.] And what deucedly civil
+manners they have, too. You never hear no impolite language. They always
+say "Mister" to you. If you are tired of walking, why you take a cab
+and sit in it like a lord. And if you don't feel like paying, then you
+don't. Every house has an open-work gate and you can slip through
+and the devil himself won't catch you. There's one bad thing, though;
+sometimes you get first class eats and sometimes you're so starved you
+nearly drop--like now. It's all his fault. What can you do with him? His
+dad sends him money to keep him going, but the devil a lot it does. He
+goes off on a spree, rides in cabs, gets me to buy a theeadre ticket for
+him every day, and in a week look at him--sends me to the old clo'es man
+to sell his new dress coat. Sometimes he gets rid of everything down to
+his last shirt and is left with nothing except his coat and overcoat.
+Upon my word, it's the truth. And such fine cloth, too. English, you
+know. One dress coat costs him a hundred and fifty rubles and he sells
+it to the old clo'es man for twenty. No use saying nothing about his
+pants. They go for a song. And why? Because he doesn't tend to his
+business. Instead of sticking to his job, he gads about on the Prospect
+and plays cards. Ah, if the old gentleman only knew it! He wouldn't care
+that you are an official. He'd lift up your little shirtie and would lay
+it on so that you'd go about rubbing yourself for a week. If you have
+a job, stick to it. Here's the innkeeper says he won't let you have
+anything to eat unless you pay your back bills. Well, and suppose we
+don't pay. [Sighing.] Oh, good God! If only I could get cabbage soup. I
+think I could eat up the whole world now. There's a knock at the door. I
+suppose it's him. [Rises from the bed hastily.]
+
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+
+Osip and Khlestakov.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Here! [Hands him his cap and cane.] What, been warming the
+bed again!
+
+OSIP. Why should I have been warming the bed? Have I never seen a bed
+before?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. You're lying. The bed's all tumbled up.
+
+OSIP. What do I want a bed for? Don't I know what a bed is like? I have
+legs and can use them to stand on. I don't need your bed.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [walking up and down the room]. Go see if there isn't some
+tobacco in the pouch.
+
+OSIP. What tobacco? You emptied it out four days ago.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [pacing the room and twisting his lips. Finally he says in a
+loud resolute voice]. Listen--a--Osip.
+
+OSIP. Yes, sir?
+
+KHLESTAKOV [In a voice just as loud, but not quite so resolute]. Go down
+there.
+
+OSIP. Where?
+
+KHLESTAKOV [in a voice not at all resolute, nor loud, but almost in
+entreaty]. Down to the restaurant--tell them--to send up dinner.
+
+OSIP. No, I won't.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. How dare you, you fool!
+
+OSIP. It won't do any good, anyhow. The landlord said he won't let you
+have anything more to eat.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. How dare he! What nonsense is this?
+
+OSIP. He'll go to the Governor, too, he says. It's two weeks now since
+you've paid him, he says. You and your master are cheats, he says, and
+your master is a blackleg besides, he says. We know the breed. We've
+seen swindlers like him before.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. And you're delighted, I suppose, to repeat all this to me,
+you donkey.
+
+OSIP. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry comes and lives here," he says, "and
+runs up debts so that you can't even put him out. I'm not going to fool
+about it," he says, "I'm going straight to the Governor and have him
+arrested and put in jail."
+
+KHLESTAKOV. That'll do now, you fool. Go down at once and tell him to
+have dinner sent up. The coarse brute! The idea!
+
+OSIP. Hadn't I better call the landlord here?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What do I want the landlord for? Go and tell him yourself.
+
+OSIP. But really, master--
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Well, go, the deuce take you. Call the landlord.
+
+Osip goes out.
+
+
+
+SCENE III
+
+
+KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I am so ravenously hungry. I took a little stroll
+thinking I could walk off my appetite. But, hang it, it clings. If I
+hadn't dissipated so in Penza I'd have had enough money to get home
+with. The infantry captain did me up all right. Wonderful the way the
+scoundrel cut the cards! It didn't take more than a quarter of an hour
+for him to clean me out of my last penny. And yet I would give
+anything to have another set-to with him. Only I never will have the
+chance.--What a rotten town this is! You can't get anything on credit in
+the grocery shops here. It's deucedly mean, it is. [He whistles, first
+an air from Robert le Diable, then a popular song, then a blend of the
+two.] No one's coming.
+
+
+
+SCENE IV
+
+
+Khlestakov, Osip, and a Servant.
+
+SERVANT. The landlord sent me up to ask what you want.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Ah, how do you do, brother! How are you? How are you?
+
+SERVANT. All right, thank you.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. And how are you getting on in the inn? Is business good?
+
+SERVANT. Yes, business is all right, thank you.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Many guests?
+
+SERVANT. Plenty.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. See here, good friend. They haven't sent me dinner yet.
+Please hurry them up! See that I get it as soon as possible. I have some
+business to attend to immediately after dinner.
+
+SERVANT. The landlord said he won't let you have anything any more. He
+was all for going to the Governor to-day and making a complaint against
+you.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What's there to complain about? Judge for yourself, friend.
+Why, I've got to eat. If I go on like this I'll turn into a skeleton.
+I'm hungry, I'm not joking.
+
+SERVANT. Yes, sir, that's what he said. "I won't let him have no
+dinner," he said, "till he pays for what he has already had." That was
+his answer.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Try to persuade him.
+
+SERVANT. But what shall I tell him?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Explain that it's a serious matter, I've got to eat. As for
+the money, of course--He thinks that because a muzhik like him can go
+without food a whole day others can too. The idea!
+
+SERVANT. Well, all right. I'll tell him.
+
+The Servant and Osip go out.
+
+
+
+SCENE V
+
+
+Khlestakov alone.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. A bad business if he refuses to let me have anything. I'm
+so hungry. I've never been so hungry in my life. Shall I try to raise
+something on my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers? No, I'd rather starve
+than come home without a St. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim
+wouldn't let me have a carriage on hire. It would have been great to
+ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochere of one of the
+neighbors with lamps lighted and Osip behind in livery. Imagine the stir
+it would have created. "Who is it? What's that?" Then my footman walks
+in [draws himself up and imitates] and an-nounces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich
+Khlestakov of St. Petersburg. Will you receive him?" Those country
+lubbers don't even know what it means to "receive." If any lout of
+a country squire pays them a visit, he stalks straight into the
+drawing-room like a bear. Then you step up to one of their pretty girls
+and say: "Dee-lighted, madam." [Rubs his hands and bows.] Phew! [Spits.]
+I feel positively sick, I'm so hungry.
+
+
+
+SCENE VI
+
+
+Khlestakov, Osip, and later the Servant.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Well?
+
+OSIP. They're bringing dinner.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [claps his hands and wriggles in his chair]. Dinner, dinner,
+dinner!
+
+SERVANT [with plates and napkin]. This is the last time the landlord
+will let you have dinner.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I spit on your landlord. What
+have you got there?
+
+SERVANT. Soup and roast beef.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What! Only two courses?
+
+SERVANT. That's all.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense! I won't take it. What does he mean by that? Ask
+him. It's not enough.
+
+SERVANT. The landlord says it's too much.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why is there no sauce?
+
+SERVANT. There is none.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them preparing a whole lot when I passed
+through the kitchen. And in the dining-room this morning two short
+little men were eating salmon and lots of other things.
+
+SERVANT. Well, you see, there is some and there isn't.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why "isn't"?
+
+SERVANT. Because there isn't any.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets?
+
+SERVANT. Only for the better kind of folk.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. You're a fool.
+
+SERVANT. Yes, sir.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. You measly suckling pig. Why can they eat and I not? Why the
+devil can't I eat, too? Am I not a guest the same as they?
+
+SERVANT. No, not the same. That's plain.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. How so?
+
+SERVANT. That's easy. THEY pay, that's it.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, simpleton! [Ladles out
+the soup and begins to eat.] What, you call that soup? Simply hot water
+poured into a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. I don't want
+it. Bring me some other soup.
+
+SERVANT. All right. I'll take it away. The boss said if you didn't want
+it, you needn't take it.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [putting his hand over the dishes]. Well, well, leave it
+alone, you fool. You may be used to treat other people this way, but
+I'm not that sort. I advise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup!
+[Goes on eating.] I don't think anybody in the world tasted such soup.
+Feathers floating on the top instead of butter. [Cuts the piece of
+chicken in the soup.] Oh, oh, oh! What a bird!--Give me the roast beef.
+There's a little soup left, Osip. Take it. [Cuts the meat.] What sort of
+roast beef is this? This isn't roast beef.
+
+SERVANT. What else is it?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. The devil knows, but it isn't roast beef. It's roast iron,
+not roast beef. [Eats.] Scoundrels! Crooks! The stuff they give you to
+eat! It makes your jaws ache to chew one piece of it. [Picks his teeth
+with his fingers.] Villains! It's as tough as the bark of a tree. I
+can't pull it out no matter how hard I try. Such meat is enough to ruin
+one's teeth. Crooks! [Wipes his mouth with the napkin.] Is there nothing
+else?
+
+SERVANT. No.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Scoundrels! Blackguards! They might have given some decent
+pastry, or something, the lazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests!
+That's all they're good for.
+
+[The Servant takes the dishes and carries them out accompanied by Osip.]
+
+
+
+SCENE VII
+
+
+Khlestakov alone.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. It's just as if I had eaten nothing at all, upon my word. It
+has only whetted my appetite. If I only had some change to send to the
+market and buy some bread.
+
+OSIP [entering]. The Governor has come, I don't know what for. He's
+inquiring about you.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [in alarm]. There now! That inn-keeper has gone and made a
+complaint against me. Suppose he really claps me into jail? Well! If he
+does it in a gentlemanly way, I may--No, no, I won't. The officers and
+the people are all out on the street and I set the fashion for them and
+the merchant's daughter and I flirted. No, I won't. And pray, who is he?
+How dare he, actually? What does he take me for? A tradesman? I'll tell
+him straight out, "How dare you? How--"
+
+[The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and shrinks back.]
+
+
+
+SCENE VIII
+
+
+Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky.
+
+The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They stare at each other a
+few moments wide-eyed and frightened.
+
+GOVERNOR [recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion]. I
+have come to present my compliments, sir.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [bows]. How do you do, sir?
+
+GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it.
+
+GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that
+visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [a little halting at first, but toward the end in a
+loud, firm voice]. Well--what was--to be--done? It's not--my fault.
+I'm--really going to pay. They will send me money from home. [Bobchinsky
+peeps in at the door.] He's most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a
+board and the soup--the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have
+pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so
+peculiar--it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I--The idea!
+
+GOVERNOR [scared]. Excuse me! I assure you, it's not my fault. I always
+have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it,
+and they are sober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't know where he
+gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you
+allow me to take you to another place?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, I thank you. I don't care to leave. I know what
+the other place is--the jail. What right have you, I should like
+to know--how dare you?--Why, I'm in the government service at St.
+Petersburg. [Puts on a bold front.] I--I--I--
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. My God, how angry he is. He has found out everything.
+Those damned merchants have told him everything.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [with bravado]. I won't go even if you come here with your
+whole force. I'll go straight to the minister. [Bangs his fist on the
+table.] What do you mean? What do you mean?
+
+GOVERNOR [drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all over]. Have pity
+on me. Don't ruin me. I have a wife and little children. Don't bring
+misfortune on a man.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, I won't go. What's that got to do with me? Must I go
+to jail because you have a wife and little children? Great! [Bobchinsky
+looks in at the door and disappears in terror.] No, much obliged to you.
+I will not go.
+
+GOVERNOR [trembling]. It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was
+nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means. Judge for yourself.
+The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken
+bribes, they were mere trifles--something for the table, or a coat or
+two. As for the officer's widow to whom they say I gave a beating, she's
+in business now, and it's a slander, it's a slander that I beat her.
+Those scoundrels here invented the lie. They are ready to murder me.
+That's the kind of people they are.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them. [Reflecting.] I
+don't see, though, why you should talk to me about your scoundrels or
+officer's widow. An officer's widow is quite a different matter.--But
+don't you dare to beat me. You can't do it to me--no, sir, you can't.
+The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll pay the money. Just now I'm out of
+cash. That's why I stay here--because I haven't a single kopek.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's what he's aiming
+at? He's raised such a cloud of dust you can't tell what direction he's
+going. Who can guess what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. But
+I will try. Come what may, I'll try--hit or miss. [Aloud.] H'm, if you
+really are in want of money, I'm ready to serve you. It is my duty to
+assist strangers in town.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then I'll settle up immediately
+with the landlord. I only want two hundred rubles. Even less would do.
+
+GOVERNOR. There's just two hundred rubles. [Giving him the money.] Don't
+bother to count it.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [taking it]. Very much obliged to you. I'll send it back to
+you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without--H'm--I
+see you are a gentleman. Now it's all different.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. Well, thank the Lord, he's taken the money. Now I
+suppose things will move along smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead
+of two into his hand.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Ho, Osip! [Osip enters.] Tell the servant to come. [To the
+Governor and Dobchinsky.] Please be seated. [To Dobchinsky.] Please take
+a seat, I beg of you.
+
+GOVERNOR. Don't trouble. We can stand.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I now see perfectly how
+open-hearted and generous you are. I confess I thought you had come to
+put me in--[To Dobchinsky.] Do take a chair.
+
+The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks in at the door
+and listens.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. I must be bolder. He wants us to pretend he is
+incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, too. We'll pretend we
+haven't the least idea who he is. [Aloud.] I was going about in the
+performance of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here--he's a
+landed proprietor here--and we came to the inn to see whether the guests
+are properly accommodated--because I'm not like other governors, who
+don't care about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian
+philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated. And as if
+to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant
+acquaintance.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, I confess, I should
+have had to stay here a long time. I didn't know how in the world to pay
+my bill.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, yes, fib on.--Didn't know how to pay his bill! May
+I ask where your Honor is going?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I'm going to my own village in the Government of Saratov.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside, with an ironical expression on his face]. The
+Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And doesn't even blush! One must be
+on the qui vive with this fellow. [Aloud.] You have undertaken a great
+task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the delay in
+getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a diversion. You are
+travelling for your own amusement, I suppose?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angry because so far I haven't
+made headway in the St. Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the
+Vladimir in your buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like him to
+knock about in the government offices for a while.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too.
+[Aloud.] And may I ask whether you are going there to stay for long?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, my father is stubborn and
+stupid--an old dotard as hard as a block of wood. I'll tell him straight
+out, "Do what you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really,
+why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times make different
+demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and never
+trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, it
+seems to me I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'll make
+you talk. I'll make you tell me things. [Aloud.] You were quite right
+in your observation, that one can do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way
+place. Take this town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work hard
+for your country, you don't spare yourself, and the reward? You don't
+know when it's coming. [He looks round the room.] This room seems rather
+damp.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs! I've never experienced
+anything like them. They bite like dogs.
+
+GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected
+to such annoyance at the hands of--whom? Of vile bugs which should never
+have been born. And I dare say, it's dark here, too.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has introduced the custom of
+not providing candles. Sometimes I want to do something--read a bit, or,
+if the fancy strikes me, write something.--I can't. It's a dark room,
+yes, very dark.
+
+GOVERNOR. I wonder if I might be bold enough to ask you--but, no, I'm
+unworthy.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What is it?
+
+GOVERNOR. No, no, I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. But what is it?
+
+GOVERNOR. If I might be bold enough--I have a fine room for you at
+home, light and cosy. But no, I feel it is too great an honor. Don't
+be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my
+heart.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, I accept your invitation with pleasure.
+I should feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this
+disreputable tavern.
+
+GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad my wife will be. It's my
+character, you know. I've always been hospitable from my very childhood,
+especially when my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think I say
+this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I only speak from the
+fullness of my heart.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myself hate double-faced
+people. I like your candor and kind-heartedness exceedingly. And I am
+free to say, I ask for nothing else than devotion and esteem--esteem and
+devotion.
+
+
+
+SCENE IX
+
+
+The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky peeps in at
+the door.
+
+SERVANT. Did your Honor wish anything?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, let me have the bill.
+
+SERVANT. I gave you the second one a little while ago.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, I can't remember your stupid accounts. Tell me what the
+whole comes to.
+
+SERVANT. You were pleased to order dinner the first day. The second day
+you only took salmon. And then you took everything on credit.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Fool! [Starts to count it all up now.] How much is it
+altogether?
+
+GOVERNOR. Please don't trouble yourself. He can wait. [To the Servant.]
+Get out of here. The money will be sent to you.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, that's so, of course. [He puts the money in his
+pocket.]
+
+The Servant goes out. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.
+
+
+
+SCENE X
+
+
+The Governor, Khlestakov and Dobchinsky.
+
+GOVERNOR. Would you care to inspect a few institutions in our town
+now--the philanthropic institutions, for instance, and others?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to see?
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, you'll see how they're run--the order in which we keep
+them.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I'm ready.
+
+Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door.
+
+GOVERNOR. And then, if you wish, we can go from there and inspect the
+district school and see our method of education.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, if you please.
+
+GOVERNOR. Afterwards, if you should like to visit our town jails and
+prisons, you will see how our criminals are kept.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We had better go to see the
+philanthropic institutions.
+
+GOVERNOR. As you please. Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or
+with me in the cab?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I'd rather take the cab with you.
+
+GOVERNOR [to Dobchinsky]. Now there'll be no room for you, Piotr
+Ivanovich.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. It doesn't matter. I'll walk.
+
+GOVERNOR [aside, to Dobchinsky]. Listen. Run as fast as you can and take
+two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital, the other to my wife. [To
+Khlestakov.] May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to write
+a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive our honored
+guest?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However, there is the ink. I
+don't know whether there is any paper. Would the bill do?
+
+GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do. [Writes, talking to himself at the
+same time.] We'll see how things will go after lunch and several
+stout-bellied bottles. We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look
+at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he
+is and how much I have to be [on] my guard.
+
+He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. As the latter
+walks across the stage, the door suddenly falls in, and Bobchinsky
+tumbles in with it to the floor. All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky
+rises.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing--nothing at all--only a little bruise on my
+nose. I'll run in to Dr. Hübner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll
+soon pass away.
+
+GOVERNOR [making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov]. Oh,
+it's nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant
+to carry your luggage over. [Calls Osip.] Here, my good fellow, take all
+your master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyone will tell you
+where it is. By your leave, sir. [Makes way for Khlestakov and follows
+him; then turns and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.] Couldn't you find
+some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a lobster!
+
+Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls.
+
+
+
+
+ACT III
+
+
+SCENE: The same as in Act I.
+
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+
+Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna standing at the window in the same
+positions as at the end of Act I.
+
+ANNA. There now! We've been waiting a whole hour. All on account of your
+silly prinking. You were completely dressed, but no, you have to keep
+on dawdling.--Provoking! Not a soul to be seen, as though on purpose, as
+though the whole world were dead.
+
+MARYA. Now really, mamma, we shall know all about it in a minute or two.
+Avdotya must come back soon. [Looks out of the window and exclaims.] Oh,
+mamma, someone is coming--there down the street!
+
+ANNA. Where? Just your imagination again!--Why, yes, someone is coming.
+I wonder who it is. A short man in a frock coat. Who can it be? Eh? The
+suspense is awful! Who can it be, I wonder.
+
+MARYA. Dobchinsky, mamma.
+
+ANNA. Dobchinsky! Your imagination again! It's not Dobchinsky at all.
+[Waves her handkerchief.] Ho, you! Come here! Quick!
+
+MARYA. It is Dobchinsky, mamma.
+
+ANNA. Of course, you've got to contradict. I tell you, it's not
+Dobchinsky.
+
+MARYA. Well, well, mamma? Isn't it Dobchinsky?
+
+ANNA. Yes, it is, I see now. Why do you argue about it? [Calls through
+the window.] Hurry up, quick! You're so slow. Well, where are they?
+What? Speak from where you are. It's all the same. What? He is very
+strict? Eh? And how about my husband? [Moves away a little from the
+window, exasperated.] He is so stupid. He won't say a word until he is
+in the room.
+
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+
+Enter Dobchinsky.
+
+ANNA. Now tell me, aren't you ashamed? You were the only one I relied
+on to act decently. They all ran away and you after them, and till now
+I haven't been able to find out a thing. Aren't you ashamed? I stood
+godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is the way you treat
+me.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Godmother, upon my word, I ran so fast to pay my respects to
+you that I'm all out of breath. How do you do, Marya Antonovna?
+
+MARYA. Good afternoon, Piotr Ivanovich.
+
+ANNA. Well, tell me all about it. What is happening at the inn?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. I have a note for you from Anton Antonovich.
+
+ANNA. But who is he? A general?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. No, not a general, but every bit as good as a general, I
+tell you. Such culture! Such dignified manners!
+
+ANNA. Ah! So he is the same as the one my husband got a letter about.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Exactly. It was Piotr Ivanovich and I who first discovered
+him.
+
+ANNA. Tell me, tell me all about it.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. It's all right now, thank the Lord. At first he received
+Anton Antonovich rather roughly. He was angry and said the inn was not
+run properly, and he wouldn't come to the Governor's house and he didn't
+want to go to jail on account of him. But then when he found out
+that Anton Antonovich was not to blame and they got to talking more
+intimately, he changed right away, and, thank Heaven, everything went
+well. They've gone now to inspect the philanthropic institutions. I
+confess that Anton Antonovich had already begun to suspect that a secret
+denunciation had been lodged against him. I myself was trembling a
+little, too.
+
+ANNA. What have you to be afraid of? You're not an official.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Well, you see, when a Grand Mogul speaks, you feel afraid.
+
+ANNA. That's all rubbish. Tell me, what is he like personally? Is he
+young or old?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Young--a young man of about twenty-three. But he talks as
+if he were older. "If you will allow me," he says, "I will go there
+and there." [Waves his hands.] He does it all with such distinction. "I
+like," he says, "to read and write, but I am prevented because my room
+is rather dark."
+
+ANNA. And what sort of a looking man is he, dark or fair?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Neither. I should say rather chestnut. And his eyes dart
+about like little animals. They make you nervous.
+
+ANNA. Let me see what my husband writes. [Reads.] "I hasten to let you
+know, dear, that my position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying
+on the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion of caviar, one
+ruble and twenty-five kopeks." [Stops.] I don't understand. What have
+pickles and caviar got to do with it?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap
+paper. There's a kind of bill on it.
+
+ANNA. Oh, yes, I see. [Goes on reading.] "But relying on the mercy
+of God, I believe all will turn out well in the end. Get a room ready
+quickly for the distinguished guest--the one with the gold wall paper.
+Don't bother to get any extras for dinner because we'll have something
+at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a little more wine, and
+tell Abdulin to send the best, or I'll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss
+your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky."
+Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who's there? Mishka?
+
+DOBCHINSKY [Runs to the door and calls.] Mishka! Mishka! Mishka! [Mishka
+enters.]
+
+ANNA. Listen! Run over to Abdulin--wait, I'll give you a note. [She
+sits down at the table and writes, talking all the while.] Give this to
+Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back
+the wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room ready for
+a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a wash basin and pitcher and
+everything else.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Well, I'm going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the
+inspecting.
+
+ANNA. Go on, I'm not keeping you.
+
+
+
+SCENE III
+
+
+Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.
+
+ANNA. Now, Mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. He's a metropolitan
+swell and God forbid that he should make fun of us. You put on your blue
+dress with the little flounces. It's the most becoming.
+
+MARYA. The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can't bear it.
+Liapkin-Tiapkin's wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika's daughter. I'd
+rather wear my flowered dress.
+
+ANNA. Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be contrary. You'll look
+lots better in blue because I'm going to wear my dun-colored dress. I
+love dun-color.
+
+MARYA. Oh, mamma, it isn't a bit becoming to you.
+
+ANNA. What, dun-color isn't becoming to me?
+
+MARYA. No, not a bit. I'm positive it isn't. One's eyes must be quite
+dark to go with dun-color.
+
+ANNA. That's nice! And aren't my eyes dark? They are as dark as can be.
+What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always
+draw the queen of clubs.
+
+MARYA. Why, mamma, you are more like the queen of hearts.
+
+ANNA. Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was a queen of hearts. [She
+goes out hurriedly with Marya and speaks behind the scenes.] The ideas
+she gets into her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you think of
+that?
+
+As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka sweeps dirt on to the
+stage. Osip enters from another door with a valise on his head.
+
+
+
+SCENE IV
+
+
+Mishka and Osip.
+
+OSIP. Where is this to go?
+
+MISHKA. In here, in here.
+
+OSIP. Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life! On an
+empty stomach any load seems heavy.
+
+MISHKA. Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?
+
+OSIP. What general?
+
+MISHKA. Your master.
+
+OSIP. My master? What sort of a general is he?
+
+MISHKA. Isn't he a general?
+
+OSIP. Yes, he's a general, only the other way round.
+
+MISHKA. Is that higher or lower than a real general?
+
+OSIP. Higher.
+
+MISHKA. Gee whiz! That's why they are raising such a racket about him
+here.
+
+OSIP. Look here, young man, I see you're a smart fellow. Get me
+something to eat, won't you?
+
+MISHKA. There isn't anything ready yet for the likes of you. You won't
+eat plain food. When your master takes his meal, they'll let you have
+the same as he gets.
+
+OSIP. But have you got any plain stuff?
+
+MISHKA. We have cabbage soup, porridge and pie.
+
+OSIP. That's all right. We'll eat cabbage soup, porridge and pie, we'll
+eat everything. Come, help me with the valise. Is there another way to
+go out there?
+
+MISHKA. Yes.
+
+They both carry the valise into the next room.
+
+
+
+SCENE V
+
+
+The Sergeants open both folding doors. Khlestakov enters followed by
+the Governor, then the Superintendent of Charities, the Inspector of
+Schools, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky with a plaster on his nose. The
+Governor points to a piece of paper lying on the floor, and the
+Sergeants rush to pick it up, pushing each other in their haste.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Excellent institutions. I like the way you show strangers
+everything in your town. In other towns they didn't show me a thing.
+
+GOVERNOR. In other towns, I venture to observe, the authorities and
+officials look out for themselves more. Here, I may say, we have no
+other thought than to win the Government's esteem through good order,
+vigilance, and efficiency.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. The lunch was excellent. I've positively overeaten. Do you
+set such a fine table every day?
+
+GOVERNOR. In honor of so agreeable a guest we do.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I like to eat well. That's what a man lives for--to pluck
+the flowers of pleasure. What was that fish called?
+
+ARTEMY [running up to him]. Labardan.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. It was delicious. Where was it we had our lunch? In the
+hospital, wasn't it?
+
+ARTEMY. Precisely, in the hospital.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, I remember. There were beds there. The patients
+must have gotten well. There don't seem to have been many of them.
+
+ARTEMY. About ten are left. The rest recovered. The place is so well
+run, there is such perfect order. It may seem incredible to you, but
+ever since I've taken over the management, they all recover like flies.
+No sooner does a patient enter the hospital than he feels better. And
+we obtain this result not so much by medicaments as by honesty and
+orderliness.
+
+GOVERNOR. In this connection may I venture to call your attention to
+what a brain-racking job the office of Governor is. There are so many
+matters he has to give his mind to just in connection with keeping the
+town clean and repairs and alterations. In a word, it is enough to
+upset the most competent person. But, thank God, all goes well. Another
+governor, of course, would look out for his own advantage. But believe
+me, even nights in bed I keep thinking: "Oh, God, how could I manage
+things in such a way that the government would observe my devotion to
+duty and be satisfied?" Whether the government will reward me or not,
+that of course, lies with them. At least I'll have a clear conscience.
+When the whole town is in order, the streets swept clean, the prisoners
+well kept, and few drunkards--what more do I want? Upon my word, I don't
+even crave honors. Honors, of course, are alluring; but as against the
+happiness which comes from doing one's duty, they are nothing but dross
+and vanity.
+
+ARTEMY [aside]. Oh, the do-nothing, the scoundrel! How he holds forth! I
+wish the Lord had blessed me with such a gift!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. That's so. I admit I sometimes like to philosophize, too.
+Sometimes it's prose, and sometimes it comes out poetry.
+
+BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. How true, how true it all is, Piotr
+Ivanovich. His remarks are great. It's evident that he is an educated
+man.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Would you tell me, please, if you have any amusements here,
+any circles where one could have a game of cards?
+
+GOVERNOR [aside]. Ahem! I know what you are aiming at, my boy.
+[Aloud.] God forbid! Why, no one here has even heard of such a thing as
+card-playing circles. I myself have never touched a card. I don't know
+how to play. I can never look at cards with indifference, and if I
+happen to see a king of diamonds or some such thing, I am so disgusted
+I have to spit out. Once I made a house of cards for the children, and
+then I dreamt of those confounded things the whole night. Heavens! How
+can people waste their precious time over cards!
+
+LUKA LUKICH [aside]. But he faroed me out of a hundred rubles yesterday,
+the rascal.
+
+GOVERNOR. I'd rather employ my time for the benefit of the state.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, well, that's rather going too far. It all depends upon
+the point of view. If, for instance, you pass when you have to treble
+stakes, then of course--No, don't say that a game of cards isn't very
+tempting sometimes.
+
+
+
+SCENE VI
+
+
+The above, Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.
+
+GOVERNOR. Permit me to introduce my family, my wife and daughter.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [bowing]. I am happy, madam, to have the pleasure of meeting
+you.
+
+ANNA. Our pleasure in meeting so distinguished a person is still
+greater.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Excuse me, madam, on the contrary, my pleasure
+is the greater.
+
+ANNA. Impossible. You condescend to say it to compliment me. Won't you
+please sit down?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Just to stand near you is bliss. But if you insist, I will
+sit down. I am so, so happy to be at your side at last.
+
+ANNA. I beg your pardon, but I dare not take all the nice things you
+say to myself. I suppose you must have found travelling very unpleasant
+after living in the capital.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Extremely unpleasant. I am accustomed, comprenez-vous, to
+life in the fashionable world, and suddenly to find myself on the road,
+in dirty inns with dark rooms and rude people--I confess that if it
+were not for this chance which--[giving Anna a look and showing off]
+compensated me for everything--
+
+ANNA. It must really have been extremely unpleasant for you.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. At this moment, however, I find it exceedingly pleasant,
+madam.
+
+ANNA. Oh, I cannot believe it. You do me much honor. I don't deserve it.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why don't you deserve it? You do deserve it, madam.
+
+ANNA. I live in a village.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Well, after all, a village too has something. It has its
+hills and brooks. Of course it's not to be compared with St. Petersburg.
+Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, to be sure! Maybe you think I am only
+a copying clerk. No, I am on a friendly footing with the chief of our
+department. He slaps me on the back. "Come, brother," he says, "and have
+dinner with me." I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to
+say this is to be done so, and that is to be done that way. There's a
+rat of a clerk there for copying letters who does nothing but scribble
+all the time--tr, tr--They even wanted to make me a college assessor,
+but I think to myself, "What do I want it for?" And the doorkeeper flies
+after me on the stairs with the shoe brush. "Allow me to shine your
+boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich," he says. [To the Governor.] Why are
+you standing, gentleman? Please sit down.
+
+          {GOVERNOR. Our rank is such that we can very
+ Together { well stand.         {ARTEMY. We don't mind standing.
+          {LUKA. Please don't trouble.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Please sit down without the rank. [The Governor and the rest
+sit down.] I don't like ceremony. On the contrary, I always like to slip
+by unobserved. But it's impossible to conceal oneself, impossible. I
+no sooner show myself in a place than they say, "There goes Ivan
+Aleksandrovich!" Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief.
+The soldiers rushed out of the guard-house and saluted. Afterwards an
+officer, an intimate acquaintance of mine, said to me: "Why, old chap,
+we completely mistook you for the commander-in-chief."
+
+ANNA. Well, I declare!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I know pretty actresses. I've written a number of
+vaudevilles, you know. I frequently meet literary men. I am on an
+intimate footing with Pushkin. I often say to him: "Well, Pushkin, old
+boy, how goes it?" "So, so, partner," he'd reply, "as usual." He's a
+great original.
+
+ANNA. So you write too? How thrilling it must be to be an author! You
+write for the papers also, I suppose?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, for the papers, too. I am the author of a lot of
+works--The Marriage of Figaro, Robert le Diable, Norma. I don't even
+remember all the names. I did it just by chance. I hadn't meant to
+write, but a theatrical manager said, "Won't you please write something
+for me?" I thought to myself: "All right, why not?" So I did it all in
+one evening, surprised everybody. I am extraordinarily light of thought.
+All that has appeared under the name of Baron Brambeus was written by
+me, and the The Frigate of Hope and The Moscow Telegraph.
+
+ANNA. What! So you are Brambeus?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why, yes. And I revise and whip all their articles into
+shape. Smirdin gives me forty thousand for it.
+
+ANNA. I suppose, then, that Yury Miroslavsky is yours too.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's mine.
+
+ANNA. I guessed at once.
+
+MARYA. But, mamma, it says that it's by Zagoskin.
+
+ANNA. There! I knew you'd be contradicting even here.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, it's so. That was by Zagoskin. But there is another
+Yury Miroslavsky which was written by me.
+
+ANNA. That's right. I read yours. It's charming.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I admit I live by literature. I have the first house in
+St. Petersburg. It is well known as the house of Ivan Aleksandrovich.
+[Addressing the company in general.] If any of you should come to St.
+Petersburg, do please call to see me. I give balls, too, you know.
+
+ANNA. I can guess the taste and magnificence of those balls.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Immense! For instance, watermelon will be served costing
+seven hundred rubles. The soup comes in the tureen straight from Paris
+by steamer. When the lid is raised, the aroma of the steam is like
+nothing else in the world. And we have formed a circle for playing
+whist--the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French, the English and the
+German Ambassadors and myself. We play so hard we kill ourselves over
+the cards. There's nothing like it. After it's over I'm so tired I
+run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell the cook, "Here,
+Marushka, take my coat"--What am I talking about?--I forgot that I live
+on the first floor. One flight up costs me--My foyer before I rise
+in the morning is an interesting spectacle indeed--counts and princes
+jostling each other and humming like bees. All you hear is buzz, buzz,
+buzz. Sometimes the Minister--[The Governor and the rest rise in awe
+from their chairs.] Even my mail comes addressed "Your Excellency." And
+once I even had charge of a department. A strange thing happened. The
+head of the department went off, disappeared, no one knew where. Of
+course there was a lot of talk about how the place would be filled,
+who would fill it, and all that sort of thing. There were ever so many
+generals hungry for the position, and they tried, but they couldn't cope
+with it. It's too hard. Just on the surface it looks easy enough; but
+when you come to examine it closely, it's the devil of a job. When they
+saw they couldn't manage, they came to me. In an instant the
+streets were packed full with couriers, nothing but couriers and
+couriers--thirty-five thousand of them, imagine! Pray, picture the
+situation to yourself! "Ivan Aleksandrovich, do come and take the
+directorship of the department." I admit I was a little embarrassed.
+I came out in my dressing-gown. I wanted to decline, but I thought it
+might reach the Czar's ears, and, besides, my official record--"Very
+well, gentlemen," I said, "I'll accept the position, I'll accept. So be
+it. But mind," I said, "na-na-na, LOOK SHARP is the word with me, LOOK
+SHARP!" And so it was. When I went through the offices of my department,
+it was a regular earthquake, Everyone trembled and shook like a leaf.
+[The Governor and the rest tremble with fright. Khlestakov works himself
+up more and more as he speaks.] Oh, I don't like to joke. I got all of
+them thoroughly scared, I tell you. Even the Imperial Council is afraid
+of me. And really, that's the sort I am. I don't spare anybody. I tell
+them all, "I know myself, I know myself." I am everywhere, everywhere. I
+go to Court daily. Tomorrow they are going to make me a field-marsh--
+
+He slips and almost falls, but is respectfully held up by the officials.
+
+GOVERNOR [walks up to him trembling from top to toe and speaking with a
+great effort]. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [curtly]. What is it?
+
+GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [as before]. I can't make out a
+thing, it's all nonsense.
+
+GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex--Your 'lency--Your Excellency, wouldn't you like to
+rest a bit? Here's a room and everything you may need.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense--rest! However, I'm ready for a rest. Your lunch
+was fine, gentlemen. I am satisfied, I am satisfied. [Declaiming.]
+Labardan! Labardan!
+
+He goes into the next room followed by the Governor.
+
+
+
+SCENE VII
+
+
+The same without Khlestakov and the Governor.
+
+BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. There's a man for you, Piotr Ivanovich.
+That's what I call a man. I've never in my life been in the presence of
+so important a personage. I almost died of fright. What do you think is
+his rank, Piotr Ivanovich?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. I think he's almost a general.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. And I think a general isn't worth the sole of his boots. But
+if he is a general, then he must be the generalissimo himself. Did you
+hear how he bullies the Imperial Council? Come, let's hurry off to
+Ammos Fiodorovich and Korobkin and tell them about it. Good-by, Anna
+Andreyevna.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Good afternoon, godmother.
+
+Both go out.
+
+ARTEMY. It makes your heart sink and you don't know why. We haven't
+even our uniforms on. Suppose after he wakes up from his nap he goes and
+sends a report about us to St. Petersburg. [He goes out sunk in thought,
+with the School Inspector, both saying.] Good-by, madam.
+
+
+
+SCENE VIII
+
+
+Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.
+
+ANNA. Oh, how charming he is!
+
+MARYA. A perfect dear!
+
+ANNA. Such refined manners. You can recognize the big city article at
+once. How he carries himself, and all that sort of thing! Exquisite! I'm
+just crazy for young men like him. I am in ecstasies--beside myself. He
+liked me very much though. I noticed he kept looking at me all the time.
+
+MARYA. Oh, mamma, he looked at me.
+
+ANNA. No more nonsense please. It's out of place now.
+
+MARYA. But really, mamma, he did look at me.
+
+ANNA. There you go! For God's sake, don't argue. You mustn't. That's
+enough. What would he be looking at you for? Please tell me, why would
+he be looking at you?
+
+MARYA. It's true, mamma. He kept looking at me. He looked at me when he
+began to speak about literature and he looked at me afterwards, when he
+told about how he played whist with the ambassadors.
+
+ANNA. Well, maybe he looked at you once or twice and might have said to
+himself, "Oh, well, I'll give her a look."
+
+
+
+SCENE IX
+
+
+The same and the Governor.
+
+GOVERNOR. Sh-sh!
+
+ANNA. What is it?
+
+GOVERNOR. I wish I hadn't given him so much to drink. Suppose even half
+of what he said is true? [Sunk in thought.] How can it not be true? A
+man in his cups is always on the surface. What's in his heart is on his
+tongue. Of course he fibbed a little. No talking is possible without
+some lying. He plays cards with the ministers and he visits the Court.
+Upon my word the more you think the less you know what's going on in
+your head. I'm as dizzy as if I were standing in a belfry, or if I were
+going to be hanged, the devil take it!
+
+ANNA. And I didn't feel the least bit afraid. I simply saw a high-toned,
+cultured man of the world, and his rank and titles didn't make me feel a
+bit queer.
+
+GOVERNOR. Oh, well, you women. To say women and enough's said.
+Everything is froth and bubble to you. All of a sudden you blab out
+words that don't make the least sense. The worst you'd get would be a
+flogging; but it means ruination to the husband.--Say, my dear, you are
+as familiar with him as if he were another Bobchinsky.
+
+ANNA. Leave that to us. Don't bother about that. [Glancing at Marya.] We
+know a thing or two in that line.
+
+GOVERNOR [to himself]. Oh, what's the good of talking to you! Confound
+it all! I can't get over my fright yet. [Opens the door and calls.]
+Mishka, tell the sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here.
+They are near the gate. [After a pause of silence.] The world has turned
+into a queer place. If at least the people were visible so you could see
+them; but they are such a skinny, thin race. How in the world could
+you tell what he is? After all you can tell a military man; but when he
+wears a frock-coat, it's like a fly with clipped wings. He kept it up
+a long time in the inn, got off a lot of allegories and ambiguities so
+that you couldn't make out head or tail. Now he's shown himself up at
+last.--Spouted even more than necessary. It's evident that he's a young
+man.
+
+
+
+SCENE X
+
+
+The same and Osip. All rush to meet Osip, beckoning to him.
+
+ANNA. Come here, my good man.
+
+GOVERNOR. Hush! Tell me, tell me, is he asleep?
+
+OSIP. No, not yet. He's stretching himself a little.
+
+ANNA. What's your name?
+
+OSIP. Osip, madam.
+
+GOVERNOR [to his wife and daughter]. That'll do, that'll do. [To Osip.]
+Well, friend, did they give you a good meal?
+
+OSIP. Yes, sir, very good. Thank you kindly.
+
+ANNA. Your master has lots of counts and princes visiting him, hasn't
+he?
+
+OSIP [aside]. What shall I say? Seeing as they've given me such good
+feed now, I s'pose they'll do even better later. [Aloud.] Yes, counts do
+visit him.
+
+MARYA. Osip, darling, isn't your master just grand?
+
+ANNA. Osip, please tell me, how is he--
+
+GOVERNOR. Do stop now. You just interfere with your silly talk. Well,
+friend, how--
+
+ANNA. What is your master's rank?
+
+OSIP. The usual rank.
+
+GOVERNOR. For God's sake, your stupid questions keep a person from
+getting down to business. Tell me, friend, what sort of a man is your
+master? Is he strict? Does he rag and bully a fellow--you know what I
+mean--does he or doesn't he?
+
+OSIP. Yes, he likes things to be just so. He insists on things being
+just so.
+
+GOVERNOR. I like your face. You must be a fine man, friend. What--?
+
+ANNA. Listen, Osip, does your master wear uniform in St. Petersburg?
+
+GOVERNOR. Enough of your tattle now, really. This is a serious matter, a
+matter of life and death. (To Osip.) Yes, friend, I like you very much.
+It's rather chilly now and when a man's travelling an extra glass of tea
+or so is rather welcome. So here's a couple of rubles for some tea.
+
+OSIP [taking the money.] Thank you, much obliged to you, sir. God grant
+you health and long life. You've helped a poor man.
+
+GOVERNOR. That's all right. I'm glad to do it. Now, friend--
+
+ANNA. Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your master like most?
+
+MARYA. Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has!
+
+GOVERNOR. Stop now, let me speak. [To Osip.] Tell me, what does your
+master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like?
+
+OSIP. As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what
+he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well.
+
+GOVERNOR. Entertained well?
+
+OSIP. Yes, for instance, I'm nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it
+that I should be treated well, too. S'help me God! Say we'd stop at
+some place and he'd ask, "Well, Osip, have they treated you well?" "No,
+badly, your Excellency." "Ah," he'd say, "Osip, he's not a good host.
+Remind me when we get home." "Oh, well," thinks I to myself [with a wave
+of his hand]. "I am a simple person. God be with them."
+
+GOVERNOR. Very good. You talk sense. I've given you something for tea.
+Here's something for buns, too.
+
+OSIP. You are too kind, your Excellency. [Puts the money in his pocket.]
+I'll sure drink your health, sir.
+
+ANNA. Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.
+
+MARYA. Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.
+
+Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room.
+
+GOVERNOR. Hush! [Rises on tip-toe. The rest of the conversation in the
+scene is carried on in an undertone.] Don't make a noise, for heaven's
+sake! Go, it's enough.
+
+ANNA. Come, Mashenka, I'll tell you something I noticed about our guest
+that I can't tell you unless we are alone together. [They go out.]
+
+GOVERNOR. Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you'd
+want to stop up your ears. [To Osip.] Well, friend--
+
+
+
+SCENE XI
+
+
+The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.
+
+GOVERNOR. Sh--sh! Bandy-legged bears--thumping their boots on the floor!
+Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon.
+Where in the devil have you been knocking about?
+
+DERZHIMORDA. I had your order--
+
+GOVERNOR. Hush! [Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's mouth.] Like a bull
+bellowing. [Mocking him.] "I had your order--" Makes a noise like an
+empty barrel. [To Osip.] Go, friend, and get everything ready for your
+master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don't you dare budge
+from the spot. And don't let any strangers enter the house, especially
+the merchants. If you let a single one in, I'll--The instant you see
+anybody with a petition, or even without a petition and he looks as if
+he wanted to present a petition against me, take him by the scruff of
+the neck, give him a good kick, [shows with his foot] and throw him out.
+Do you hear? Hush--hush!
+
+He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+
+
+ACT IV
+
+
+SCENE: Same as in Act III.
+
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+
+Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy
+Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in
+full dress-uniform.
+
+AMMOS. For God's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let's have
+more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial
+Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr
+Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here.
+[Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.]
+
+ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.
+
+AMMOS. Try what?
+
+ARTEMY. It's clear what.
+
+AMMOS. Grease?
+
+ARTEMY. Exactly, grease.
+
+AMMOS. It's risky, the deuce take it. He'll fly into a rage at us. He's
+a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in
+the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?
+
+POSTMASTER. Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post
+and we don't know for whom?
+
+ARTEMY. You had better look out that he doesn't send you by post a good
+long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way
+in a well-ordered state. What's the use of a whole regiment here? We
+must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do--what ought to be
+done, you know--so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That's
+the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos
+Fiodorovich, you be the first.
+
+AMMOS. You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in
+your institution.
+
+ARTEMY. Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.
+
+LUKA. I can't, I can't, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the
+moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my
+heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were
+caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.
+
+ARTEMY. It's you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There's no
+one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's
+mouth.
+
+AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man
+sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.
+
+ALL [pressing him]. No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too.
+Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!
+
+AMMOS. Let go of me, gentlemen.
+
+Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov's room. All hurry to
+the door, crowding and jostling in their struggle to get out. Some are
+uncomfortably squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard.
+
+BOBCHINSKY'S VOICE. Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot.
+
+ARTEMY. Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me a chance to atone for my
+sins. You are squeezing me to death.
+
+Exclamations of "Oh! Oh!" Finally they all push through the door, and
+the stage is left empty.
+
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+
+Enter Khlestakov, looking sleepy.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I seem to have had a fine snooze. Where did they get
+those mattresses and feather beds from? I even perspired. After the meal
+yesterday they must have slipped something into me that knocked me out.
+I still feel a pounding in my head. I see I can have a good time here.
+I like hospitality, and I must say I like it all the more if people
+entertain me out of a pure heart and not from interested motives. The
+Governor's daughter is not a bad one at all, and the mother is also a
+woman you can still--I don't know, but I do like this sort of life.
+
+
+
+SCENE III
+
+
+Khlestakov and the Judge.
+
+JUDGE [comes in and stops. Talking to himself]. Oh, God, bring me safely
+out of this! How my knees are knocking together! [Drawing himself up
+and holding the sword in his hand. Aloud.] I have the honor to
+present myself--Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor
+Liapkin-Tiapkin.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Please be seated. So you are the Judge here?
+
+JUDGE. I was elected by the nobility in 1816 and I have served ever
+since.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Does it pay to be a judge?
+
+JUDGE. After serving three terms I was decorated with the Vladimir of
+the third class with the approval of the government. [Aside.] I have the
+money in my hand and my hand is on fire.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I like the Vladimir. Anna of the third class is not so nice.
+
+JUDGE [slightly extending his balled fist. Aside]. Good God! I don't
+know where I'm sitting. I feel as though I were on burning coals.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What have you got in your hand there?
+
+AMMOS [getting all mixed up and dropping the bills on the floor].
+Nothing.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. How so, nothing? I see money has dropped out of it.
+
+AMMOS [shaking all over]. Oh no, oh no, not at all! [Aside.] Oh, Lord!
+Now I'm under arrest and they've brought a wagon to take me.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it IS money. [Picking it up.]
+
+AMMOS [aside]. It's all over with me. I'm lost! I'm lost!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I tell you what--lend it to me.
+
+AMMOS [eagerly]. Why, of course, of course--with the greatest pleasure.
+[Aside.] Bolder! Bolder! Holy Virgin, stand by me!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I've run out of cash on the road, what with one thing and
+another, you know. I'll let you have it back as soon as I get to the
+village.
+
+AMMOS. Please don't mention it! It is a great honor to have you take it.
+I'll try to deserve it--by putting forth the best of my feeble powers,
+by my zeal and ardor for the government. [Rises from the chair and draws
+himself up straight with his hands hanging at his sides.] I will not
+venture to disturb you longer with my presence. You don't care to give
+any orders?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What orders?
+
+JUDGE. I mean, would you like to give orders for the district court
+here?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What for? I have nothing to do with the court now. No,
+nothing. Thank you very much.
+
+AMMOS [bowing and leaving. Aside.]. Now the town is ours.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. The Judge is a fine fellow.
+
+
+
+SCENE IV
+
+
+Khlestakov and the Postmaster.
+
+POSTMASTER [in uniform, sword in hand. Drawing himself up]. I have the
+honor to present myself--Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to meet you. I like pleasant company very much.
+Take a seat. Do you live here all the time?
+
+POSTMASTER. Yes, sir. Quite so.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I like this little town. Of course, there aren't many
+people. It's not very lively. But what of it? It isn't the capital.
+Isn't that so--it isn't the capital?
+
+POSTMASTER. Quite so, quite so.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. It's only in the capital that you find bon-ton and not a lot
+of provincial lubbers. What is your opinion? Isn't that so?
+
+POSTMASTER. Quite so. [Aside.] He isn't a bit proud. He inquires about
+everything.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. And yet you'll admit that one can live happily in a little
+town.
+
+POSTMASTER. Quite so.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. In my opinion what you want is this--you want people to
+respect you and to love you sincerely. Isn't that so?
+
+POSTMASTER. Exactly.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad you agree with me. Of course, they call me queer.
+But that's the kind of character I am. [Looking him in the face and
+talking to himself.] I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan.
+[Aloud.] A strange accident happened to me and I ran out of cash on the
+road. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?
+
+POSTMASTER. Of course. I shall esteem it a piece of great good fortune.
+I am ready to serve you with all my heart.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. I must say, I hate like the devil to
+deny myself on the road. And why should I? Isn't that so?
+
+POSTMASTER. Quite so. [Rises, draws himself up, with his sword in his
+hand.] I'll not venture to disturb you any more. Would you care to make
+any remarks about the post office administration?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, nothing.
+
+The Postmaster bows and goes out.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [lighting a cigar]. It seems to me the Postmaster is a fine
+fellow, too. He's certainly obliging. I like people like that.
+
+
+
+SCENE V
+
+
+Khlestakov and Luka Lukich, who is practically pushed in on the stage.
+A voice behind him is heard saying nearly aloud, "Don't be
+chickenhearted."
+
+LUKA [drawing himself up, trembling, with his hand on his sword]. I
+have the honor to present myself--School Inspector, Titular Councilor
+Khlopov.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to see you. Take a seat, take a seat. Will you have
+a cigar? [Offers him a cigar.]
+
+LUKA [to himself, hesitating]. There now! That's something I hadn't
+anticipated. To take or not to take?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Take it, take it. It's a pretty good cigar. Of course not
+what you get in St. Petersburg. There I used to smoke twenty-five cent
+cigars. You feel like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them.
+Here, light it. [Hands him a candle.]
+
+Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar shaking all over.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Not that end, the other.
+
+LUKA [drops the cigar from fright, spits and shakes his hands. Aside].
+Confound it! My damned timidity has ruined me!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I see you are not a lover of cigars. I confess smoking is my
+weakness--smoking and the fair sex. Not for the life of me can I remain
+indifferent to the fair sex. How about you? Which do you like more,
+brunettes or blondes?
+
+Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what to say.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes?
+
+LUKA. I don't dare to know.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, no, don't evade. I'm bound to know your taste.
+
+LUKA. I venture to report to you--[Aside.] I don't know what I'm saying.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you don't want to say. I suppose some little brunette or
+other has cast a spell over you. Confess, she has, hasn't she?
+
+Luka Lukich remains silent.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you're blushing. You see. Why don't you speak?
+
+LUKA. I'm scared, your Hon--High--Ex--[Aside.] Done for! My confounded
+tongue has undone me!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. You're scared? There IS something awe-inspiring in my eyes,
+isn't there? At least I know not a single woman can resist them. Isn't
+that so?
+
+LUKA. Exactly.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. A strange thing happened to me on the road. I ran entirely
+out of cash. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?
+
+LUKA [clutching his pockets. Aside]. A fine business if I haven't got
+the money! I have! I have! [Takes out the bills and gives them to him,
+trembling.]
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much.
+
+LUKA [drawing himself up, with his hand on his sword]. I will not
+venture to disturb you with my presence any longer.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Good-by.
+
+LUKA [dashes out almost at a run, saying aside.] Well, thank the Lord!
+Maybe he won't inspect the schools.
+
+
+
+SCENE VI
+
+
+Khlestakov and Artemy Filippovich.
+
+ARTEMY [enters and draws himself up, his hand on his sword]. I have the
+honor to present myself--Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor
+Zemlianika.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Howdeedo? Please sit down.
+
+ARTEMY. I had the honor of receiving you and personally conducting you
+through the philanthropic institutions committed to my care.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I remember. You treated me to a dandy lunch.
+
+ARTEMY. I am glad to do all I can in behalf of my country.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I admit, my weakness is a good cuisine.--Tell me, please,
+won't you--it seems to me you were a little shorter yesterday, weren't
+you?
+
+ARTEMY. Quite possible. [After a pause.] I may say I spare myself no
+pains and perform the duties of my office with the utmost zeal. [Draws
+his chair closer and speaks in a lowered tone.] There's the postmaster,
+for example, he does absolutely nothing. Everything is in a fearful
+state of neglect. The mail is held up. Investigate for yourself, if you
+please, and you will see. The Judge, too, the man who was here just now,
+does nothing but hunt hares, and he keeps his dogs in the court
+rooms, and his conduct, if I must confess--and for the benefit of the
+fatherland, I must confess, though he is my relative and friend--his
+conduct is in the highest degree reprehensible. There is a squire here
+by the name of Dobchinsky, whom you were pleased to see. Well, the
+moment Dobchinsky leaves the house, the Judge is there with Dobchinsky's
+wife. I can swear to it. You just take a look at the children. Not one
+of them resembles Dobchinsky. All of them, even the little girl, are the
+very image of the Judge.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. You don't say so. I never imagined it.
+
+ARTEMY. Then take the School Inspector here. I don't know how the
+government could have entrusted him with such an office. He's worse than
+a Jacobin freethinker, and he instils such pernicious ideas into the
+minds of the young that I can hardly describe it. Hadn't I better put it
+all down on paper, if you so order?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Very well, why not? I should like it very much. I like to
+kill the weary hours reading something amusing, you know. What is your
+name? I keep forgetting.
+
+ARTEMY. Zemlianika.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, Zemlianika. Tell me, Mr. Zemlianika, have you any
+children?
+
+ARTEMY. Of course. Five. Two are already grown up.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. You don't say! Grown up! And how are they--how are
+they--a--a?
+
+ARTEMY. You mean that you deign to ask what their names are?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, what are their names?
+
+ARTEMY. Nikolay, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya and Perepetuya.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Good.
+
+ARTEMY. I don't venture to disturb you any longer with my presence
+and rob you of your time dedicated to the performance of your sacred
+duties---[Bows and makes to go.]
+
+KHLESTAKOV [escorting him]. Not at all. What you told me is all very
+funny. Call again, please. I like that sort of thing very much. [Turns
+back and reopens the door, calling.] I say, there! What is your----I
+keep forgetting. What is your first name and your patronymic?
+
+ARTEMY. Artemy Filippovich.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Do me a favor, Artemy Filippovich. A curious accident
+happened to me on the road. I've run entirely out of cash. Have you four
+hundred rubles to lend me?
+
+ARTEMY. I have.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. That comes in pat. Thank you very much.
+
+
+
+SCENE VII
+
+
+Khlestakov, Bobchinsky, and Dobchinsky.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to present myself--a resident of this town,
+Piotr, son of Ivan Bobchinsky.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. I am Piotr, son of Ivan Dobchinsky, a squire.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I've met you before. I believe you fell? How's your
+nose?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. It's all right. Please don't trouble. It's dried up, dried
+up completely.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. That's nice. I'm glad it's dried up. [Suddenly and
+abruptly.] Have you any money?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Money? How's that--money?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. A thousand rubles to lend me.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Not so much as that, honest to God I haven't. Have you,
+Piotr Ivanovich?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. I haven't got it with me, because my money--I beg to inform
+you--is deposited in the State Savings Bank.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Well, if you haven't a thousand, then a hundred.
+
+BOBCHINSKY [fumbling in his pockets]. Have you a hundred rubles, Piotr
+Ivanovich? All I have is forty.
+
+DOBCHINSKY [examining his pocket-book]. I have only twenty-five.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Look harder, Piotr Ivanovich. I know you have a hole in your
+pocket, and the money must have dropped down into it somehow.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. No, honestly, there isn't any in the hole either.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Well, never mind. I merely mentioned the matter. Sixty-five
+will do. [Takes the money.]
+
+DOBCHINSKY. May I venture to ask a favor of you concerning a very
+delicate matter?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What is it?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. It's a matter of an extremely delicate nature. My oldest
+son--I beg to inform you--was born before I was married.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Indeed?
+
+DOBCHINSKY. That is, only in a sort of way. He is really my son, just
+as if he had been born in wedlock. I made up everything afterwards,
+set everything right, as it should be, with the bonds of matrimony,
+you know. Now, I venture to inform you, I should like to have him
+altogether--that is, I should like him to be altogether my legitimate
+son and be called Dobchinsky the same as I.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. That's all right. Let him be called Dobchinsky. That's
+possible.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. I shouldn't have troubled you; but it's a pity, he is such
+a talented youngster. He gives the greatest promise. He can recite
+different poems by heart; and whenever he gets hold of a penknife,
+he makes little carriages as skilfully as a conjurer. Here's Piotr
+Ivanovich. He knows. Am I not right?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Yes, the lad is very talented.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. I'll try to do it for you. I'll speak
+to--I hope--it'll be done, it'll all be done. Yes, yes. [Turning to
+Bobchinsky.] Have you anything you'd like to say to me?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Why, of course. I have a most humble request to make.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What is it?
+
+BOBCHINSKY. I beg your Highness or your Excellency most worshipfully,
+when you get back to St. Petersburg, please tell all the high personages
+there, the senators and the admirals, that Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky
+lives in this town. Say this: "Piotr Ivanovich lives there."
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Very well.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. And if you should happen to speak to the Czar, then tell
+him, too: "Your Majesty," tell him, "Your Majesty, Piotr Ivanovich
+Bobchinsky lives in this town."
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Very well.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Pardon me for having troubled you with my presence.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Not at all, not at all. It was my pleasure. [Sees them to
+the door.]
+
+
+
+SCENE VIII
+
+
+KHLESTAKOV [alone]. My, there are a lot of officials here. They seem to
+be taking me for a government functionary. To be sure, I threw dust in
+their eyes yesterday. What a bunch of fools! I'll write all about it to
+Triapichkin in St. Petersburg. He'll write them up in the papers. Let
+him give them a nice walloping.--Ho, Osip, give me paper and ink.
+
+OSIP [looking in at the door]. D'rectly.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Anybody gets caught in Triapichkin's tongue had better look
+out. For the sake of a witticism he wouldn't spare his own father. They
+are good people though, these officials. It's a nice trait of theirs to
+lend me money. I'll just see how much it all mounts up to. Here's
+three hundred from the Judge and three hundred from the Postmaster--six
+hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred--What a greasy bill!--Eight
+hundred, nine hundred.--Oho! Rolls up to more than a thousand! Now, if I
+get you, captain, now! We'll see who'll do whom!
+
+
+
+SCENE IX
+
+
+Khlestakov and Osip entering with paper and ink.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Now, you simpleton, you see how they receive and treat me.
+[Begins to write.]
+
+OSIP. Yes, thank God! But do you know what, Ivan Aleksandrovich?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What?
+
+OSIP. Leave this place. Upon my word, it's time.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [writing]. What nonsense! Why?
+
+OSIP. Just so. God be with them. You've had a good time here for two
+days. It's enough. What's the use of having anything more to do with
+them? Spit on them. You don't know what may happen. Somebody else may
+turn up. Upon my word, Ivan Aleksandrovich. And the horses here are
+fine. We'll gallop away like a breeze.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [writing]. No, I'd like to stay a little longer. Let's go
+tomorrow.
+
+OSIP. Why tomorrow? Let's go now, Ivan Aleksandrovich, now, 'pon my
+word. To be sure, it's a great honor and all that. But really we'd
+better go as quick as we can. You see, they've taken you for somebody
+else, honest. And your dad will be angry because you dilly-dallied so
+long. We'd gallop off so smartly. They'd give us first-class horses
+here.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [writing]. All right. But first take this letter to the
+postoffice, and, if you like, order post horses at the same time. Tell
+the postilions that they should drive like couriers and sing songs, and
+I'll give them a ruble each. [Continues to write.] I wager Triapichkin
+will die laughing.
+
+OSIP. I'll send the letter off by the man here. I'd rather be packing in
+the meanwhile so as to lose no time.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. All right. Bring me a candle.
+
+OSIP [outside the door, where he is heard speaking]. Say, partner, go to
+the post office and mail a letter, and tell the postmaster to frank it.
+And have a coach sent round at once, the very best courier coach; and
+tell them the master doesn't pay fare. He travels at the expense of the
+government. And make them hurry, or else the master will be angry. Wait,
+the letter isn't ready yet.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I wonder where he lives now, on Pochtamtskaya or Grokhovaya
+Street. He likes to move often, too, to get out of paying rent. I'll
+make a guess and send it to Pochtamtskaya Street. [Folds the letter and
+addresses it.]
+
+Osip brings the candle. Khlestakov seals the letter with sealing wax. At
+that moment Derzhimorda's voice is heard saying: "Where are you going,
+whiskers? You've been told that nobody is allowed to come in."
+
+KHLESTAKOV [giving the letter to Osip]. There, have it mailed.
+
+MERCHANT'S VOICE. Let us in, brother. You have no right to keep us out.
+We have come on business.
+
+DERZHIMORDA'S VOICE. Get out of here, get out of here! He doesn't
+receive anybody. He's asleep.
+
+The disturbance outside grows louder.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter there, Osip? See what the noise is about.
+
+OSIP [looking through the window]. There are some merchants there
+who want to come in, and the sergeant won't let them. They are waving
+papers. I suppose they want to see you.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [going to the window]. What is it, friends?
+
+MERCHANT'S VOICE. We appeal for your protection. Give orders, your
+Lordship, that our petitions be received.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Let them in, let them in. Osip, tell them to come in.
+
+Osip goes out.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [takes the petitions through the window, unfolds one of them
+and reads]. "To his most honorable, illustrious financial Excellency,
+from the merchant Abdulin...." The devil knows what this is! There's no
+such title.
+
+
+
+SCENE X
+
+
+Khlestakov and Merchants, with a basket of wine and sugar loaves.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What is it, friends?
+
+MERCHANTS. We beseech your favor.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What do you want?
+
+MERCHANTS. Don't ruin us, your Worship. We suffer insult and wrong
+wholly without cause.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. From whom?
+
+A MERCHANT. Why, from our governor here. Such a governor there never was
+yet in the world, your Worship. No words can describe the injuries he
+inflicts upon us. He has taken the bread out of our mouths by quartering
+soldiers on us, so that you might as well put your neck in a noose.
+He doesn't treat you as you deserve. He catches hold of your beard
+and says, "Oh, you Tartar!" Upon my word, if we had shown him any
+disrespect, but we obey all the laws and regulations. We don't mind
+giving him what his wife and daughter need for their clothes, but
+no, that's not enough. So help me God! He comes to our shop and takes
+whatever his eyes fall on. He sees a piece of cloth and says, "Oh, my
+friends, that's a fine piece of goods. Take it to my house." So we take
+it to his house. It will be almost forty yards.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Is it possible? My, what a swindler!
+
+MERCHANTS. So help us God! No one remembers a governor like him. When
+you see him coming you hide everything in the shop. It isn't only that
+he wants a few delicacies and fineries. He takes every bit of trash,
+too--prunes that have been in the barrel seven years and that even the
+boy in my shop would not eat, and he grabs a fist full. His name day is
+St. Anthony's, and you'd think there's nothing else left in the world to
+bring him and that he doesn't want any more. But no, you must give him
+more. He says St. Onufry's is also his name day. What's to be done? You
+have to take things to him on St. Onufry's day, too.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why, he's a plain robber.
+
+MERCHANTS. Yes, indeed! And try to contradict him, and he'll fill your
+house with a whole regiment of soldiers. And if you say anything, he
+orders the doors closed. "I won't inflict corporal punishment on you,"
+he says, "or put you in the rack. That's forbidden by law," he says.
+"But I'll make you swallow salt herring, my good man."
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What a swindler! For such things a man can be sent to
+Siberia.
+
+MERCHANTS. It doesn't matter where you are pleased to send him. Only the
+farthest away from here the better. Father, don't scorn to accept our
+bread and salt. We pay our respects to you with sugar and a basket of
+wine.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, no. Don't think of it. I don't take bribes. Oh, if, for
+example, you would offer me a loan of three hundred rubles, that's quite
+different. I am willing to take a loan.
+
+MERCHANTS. If you please, father. [They take out money.] But what is
+three hundred? Better take five hundred. Only help us.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Very well. About a loan I won't say a word. I'll take it.
+
+MERCHANTS [proffering him the money on a silver tray]. Do please take
+the tray, too.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Very well. I can take the tray, too.
+
+MERCHANTS [bowing]. Then take the sugar at the same time.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, no. I take no bribes.
+
+OSIP. Why don't you take the sugar, your Highness? Take it. Everything
+will come in handy on the road. Give here the sugar and that case. Give
+them here. It'll all be of use. What have you got there--a string?
+Give it here. A string will be handy on the road, too, if the coach or
+something else should break--for tying it up.
+
+MERCHANTS. Do us this great favor, your illustrious Highness. Why, if
+you don't help us in our appeal to you, then we simply don't know how we
+are to exist. We might as well put our necks in a noose.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Positively, positively. I shall exert my efforts in your
+behalf.
+
+[The Merchants leave. A woman's voice is heard saying:]
+
+"Don't you dare not to let me in. I'll make a complaint against you to
+him himself. Don't push me that way. It hurts."
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Who is there? [Goes to the window.] What is it, mother?
+
+[Two women's voices are heard:] "We beseech your grace, father. Give
+orders, your Lordship, for us to be heard."
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Let her in.
+
+
+
+SCENE XI
+
+
+Khlestakov, the Locksmith's Wife, and the non-commissioned Officer's
+Widow.
+
+LOCK.'S WIFE [kneeling]. I beseech your grace.
+
+WIDOW. I beseech your grace.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Who are you?
+
+WIDOW. Ivanova, widow of a non-commissioned officer.
+
+LOCK.'S WIFE. Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the wife of a locksmith, a
+burgess of this town. My father--
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Stop! One at a time. What do you want?
+
+LOCK.'S WIFE. I beg for your grace. I beseech your aid against the
+governor. May God send all evil upon him. May neither he nor his
+children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their
+undertakings.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?
+
+LOCK.'S WIFE. He ordered my husband to shave his forehead as a soldier,
+and our turn hadn't come, and it is against the law, my husband being a
+married man.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. How could he do it, then?
+
+LOCK.'S WIFE. He did it, he did it, the blackguard! May God smite him
+both in this world and the next. If he has an aunt, may all harm descend
+upon her. And if his father is living, may the rascal perish, may he
+choke to death. Such a cheat! The son of the tailor should have been
+levied. And he is a drunkard, too. But his parents gave the governor a
+rich present, so he fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva.
+And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. So then he
+comes to me. "What do you want your husband for?" he says. "He isn't
+any good to you any more." It's for me to know whether he is any good
+or not. That's my business. The old cheat! "He's a thief," he says.
+"Although he hasn't stolen anything, that doesn't matter. He is going to
+steal. And he'll be recruited next year anyway." How can I do without
+a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk! May none of his kith and
+kin ever see the light of God. And if he has a mother-in-law, may she,
+too,--
+
+KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Well, and you?
+
+[Addressing the Widow and leading the Locksmith's Wife to the door.]
+
+LOCK.'S WIFE [leaving]. Don't forget, father. Be kind and gracious to
+me.
+
+WIDOW. I have come to complain against the Governor, father.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What is it? What for? Be brief.
+
+WIDOW. He flogged me, father.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. How so?
+
+WIDOW. By mistake, my father. Our women got into a squabble in the
+market, and when the police came, it was all over, and they took me and
+reported me--I couldn't sit down for two days.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. But what's to be done now?
+
+WIDOW. There's nothing to be done, of course. But if you please, order
+him to pay a fine for the mistake. I can't undo my luck. But the money
+would be very useful to me now.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Go now, go. I'll see to it. [Hands
+with petitions are thrust through the window.] Who else is out there?
+[Goes to the window.] No, no. I don't want to, I don't want to. [Leaves
+the window.] I'm sick of it, the devil take it! Don't let them in, Osip.
+
+OSIP [calling through the window]. Go away, go away! He has no time.
+Come tomorrow.
+
+The door opens and a figure appears in a shag cloak, with unshaven
+beard, swollen lip, and a bandage over his cheek. Behind him appear a
+whole line of others.
+
+OSIP. Go away, go away! What are you crowding in here for?
+
+He puts his hands against the stomach of the first one, and goes out
+through the door, pushing him and banging the door behind.
+
+
+
+SCENE XII
+
+
+Khlestakov and Marya Antonovna.
+
+MARYA. Oh!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What frightened you so, mademoiselle?
+
+MARYA. I wasn't frightened.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Please, miss. It's a great pleasure to me
+that you took me for a man who--May I venture to ask you where you were
+going?
+
+MARYA. I really wasn't going anywhere.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. But why weren't you going anywhere?
+
+MARYA. I was wondering whether mamma was here.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No. I'd like to know why you weren't going anywhere.
+
+MARYA. I should have been in your way. You were occupied with important
+matters.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Your eyes are better than important matters.
+You cannot possibly disturb me. No, indeed, by no means. On the
+contrary, you afford me great pleasure.
+
+MARYA. You speak like a man from the capital.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. For such a beautiful lady as you. May I give myself the
+pleasure of offering you a chair? But no, you should have, not a chair,
+but a throne.
+
+MARYA. I really don't know--I really must go [She sits down.]
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What a beautiful scarf that is.
+
+MARYA. You are making fun of me. You're only ridiculing the provincials.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, mademoiselle, how I long to be your scarf, so that I
+might embrace your lily neck.
+
+MARYA. I haven't the least idea what you are talking
+about--scarf!--Peculiar weather today, isn't it?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Your lips, mademoiselle, are better than any weather.
+
+MARYA. You are just saying that--I should like to ask you--I'd rather
+you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir. You must know
+very many.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Anything you desire, mademoiselle. Ask! What verses will you
+have?
+
+MARYA. Any at all. Pretty, new verses.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of them.
+
+MARYA. Well, tell me. What verses will you write for me?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What's the use? I know them anyway.
+
+MARYA. I love them so.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I have lots of them--of every sort. If you like, for
+example, I'll give you this: "Oh, thou, mortal man, who in thy anguish
+murmurest against God--" and others. I can't remember them now. Besides,
+it's all bosh. I'd rather offer you my love instead, which ever since
+your first glance--[Moves his chair nearer.]
+
+MARYA. Love? I don't understand love. I never knew what love is. [Moves
+her chair away.]
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Why do you move your chair away? It is better for us to sit
+near each other.
+
+MARYA [moving away]. Why near? It's all the same if it's far away.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. Why far? It's all the same if it's near.
+
+MARYA [moving away]. But what for?
+
+KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. It only seems near to you. Imagine it's far.
+How happy I would be, mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace.
+
+MARYA [looking through the window]. What is that? It looked as if
+something had flown by. Was it a magpie or some other bird?
+
+KHLESTAKOV [kisses her shoulder and looks through the window]. It's a
+magpie.
+
+MARYA [rises indignantly]. No, that's too much--Such rudeness, such
+impertinence.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [holding her back]. Forgive me, mademoiselle. I did it only
+out of love--only out of love, nothing else.
+
+MARYA. You take me for a silly provincial wench. [Struggles to go away.]
+
+KHLESTAKOV [still holding her back]. It's out of love, really--out of
+love. It was just a little fun. Marya Antonovna, don't be angry. I'm
+ready to beg your forgiveness on my knees. [Falls on his knees.] Forgive
+me, do forgive me! You see, I am on my knees.
+
+
+
+SCENE XIII
+
+
+The same and Anna Andreyevna.
+
+ANNA [seeing Khlestakov on his knees]. Oh, what a situation!
+
+KHLESTAKOV [rising]. Oh, the devil!
+
+ANNA [to Marya]. What does this mean? What does this behavior mean?
+
+MARYA. I, mother--
+
+ANNA. Go away from here. Do you hear? And don't you dare to show your
+face to me. [Marya goes out in tears.] Excuse me. I must say I'm greatly
+astonished.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [aside]. She's very appetizing, too. She's not bad-looking,
+either. [Flings himself on his knees.] Madam, you see I am burning with
+love.
+
+ANNA. What! You on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor
+isn't very clean.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, I must be on my knees before you. I must. Pronounce the
+verdict. Is it life or death?
+
+ANNA. But please--I don't quite understand the significance of your
+words. If I am not mistaken, you are making a proposal for my daughter.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, I am in love with you. My life hangs by a thread. If you
+don't crown my steadfast love, then I am not fit to exist in this world.
+With a burning flame in my bosom, I pray for your hand.
+
+ANNA. But please remember I am in a certain way--married.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. That's nothing. Love knows no distinction. It was Karamzin
+who said: "The laws condemn." We will fly in the shadow of a brook. Your
+hand! I pray for your hand!
+
+
+
+SCENE XIV
+
+
+The same and Marya Antonovna.
+
+MARYA [running in suddenly]. Mamma, papa says you should--[seeing
+Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims:] Oh, what a situation!
+
+ANNA. Well, what do you want? Why did you come in here? What for? What
+sort of flightiness is this? Breaks in like a cat leaping out of smoke.
+Well, what have you found so wonderful? What's gotten into your head
+again? Really, she behaves like a child of three. She doesn't act a bit
+like a girl of eighteen, not a bit. I don't know when you'll get more
+sense into your head, when you'll behave like a decent, well-bred girl,
+when you'll know what good manners are and a proper demeanor.
+
+MARYA [through her tears]. Mamma, I really didn't know--
+
+ANNA. There's always a breeze blowing through your head. You act like
+Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughter. Why should you imitate them? You shouldn't
+imitate them. You have other examples to follow. You have your mother
+before you. She's the example to follow.
+
+KHLESTAKOV [seizing Marya's hand]. Anna Andreyevna, don't oppose our
+happiness. Give your blessing to our constant love.
+
+ANNA [in surprise]. So it's in her you are--
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Decide--life or death?
+
+ANNA. Well, there, you fool, you see? Our guest is pleased to go down on
+his knees for such trash as you. You, running in suddenly as if you
+were out of your mind. Really, it would be just what you deserve, if I
+refused. You are not worthy of such happiness.
+
+MARYA. I won't do it again, mamma, really I won't.
+
+
+
+SCENE XV
+
+
+The same and the Governor in precipitate haste.
+
+GOVERNOR. Your Excellency, don't ruin me, don't ruin me.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?
+
+GOVERNOR. The merchants have complained to your Excellency. I assure you
+on my honor that not one half of what they said is so. They themselves
+are cheats. They give short measure and short weight. The officer's
+widow lied to you when she said I flogged her. She lied, upon my word,
+she lied. She flogged herself.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. The devil take the officer's widow. What do I care about the
+officer's widow.
+
+GOVERNOR. Don't believe them, don't believe them. They are rank liars; a
+mere child wouldn't believe them. They are known all over town as liars.
+And as for cheating, I venture to inform you that there are no swindlers
+like them in the whole of creation.
+
+ANNA. Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich is bestowing upon us?
+He is asking for our daughter's hand.
+
+GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? Mother has lost her wits. Please
+do not be angry, your Excellency. She has a touch of insanity. Her
+mother was like that, too.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I am really asking for your daughter's hand. I am in
+love with her.
+
+GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it, your Excellency.
+
+ANNA. But when you are told!
+
+KHLESTAKOV. I am not joking. I could go crazy, I am so in love.
+
+GOVERNOR. I daren't believe it. I am unworthy of such an honor.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. If you don't consent to give me your daughter Marya
+Antonovna's hand, then I am ready to do the devil knows what.
+
+GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it. You deign to joke, your Excellency.
+
+ANNA. My, what a blockhead! Really! When you are told over and over
+again!
+
+GOVERNOR. I can't believe it.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Give her to me, give her to me! I am a desperate man and
+I may do anything. If I shoot myself, you will have a law-suit on your
+hands.
+
+GOVERNOR. Oh, my God! I am not guilty either in thought or in action.
+Please do not be angry. Be pleased to act as your mercy wills. Really,
+my head is in such a state I don't know what is happening. I have turned
+into a worse fool than I've ever been in my life.
+
+ANNA. Well, give your blessing.
+
+Khlestakov goes up to Marya Antonovna.
+
+GOVERNOR. May God bless you, but I am not guilty. [Khlestakov kisses
+Marya. The Governor looks at them.] What the devil! It's really so.
+[Rubs his eyes.] They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are kissing.
+Actually to be our son-in-law! [Cries out, jumping with glee.] Ho,
+Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, Governor! So that's the turn events have taken!
+
+
+
+SCENE XVI
+
+
+The same and Osip.
+
+OSIP. The horses are ready.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh! All right. I'll come presently.
+
+GOVERNOR. What's that? Are you leaving?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm going.
+
+GOVERNOR. Then when--that is--I thought you were pleased to hint at a
+wedding.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh--for one minute only--for one day--to my uncle, a rich
+old man. I'll be back tomorrow.
+
+GOVERNOR. We would not venture, of course, to hold you back, and we hope
+for your safe return.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Of course, of course, I'll come back at once. Good-by, my
+dear--no, I simply can't express my feelings. Good-by, my heart. [Kisses
+Marya's hand.]
+
+GOVERNOR. Don't you need something for the road? It seems to me you were
+pleased to be short of cash.
+
+KHLESTAKOV, Oh, no, what for? [After a little thought.] However, if you
+like.
+
+GOVERNOR. How much will you have?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. You gave me two hundred then, that is, not two hundred, but
+four hundred--I don't want to take advantage of your mistake--you might
+let me have the same now so that it should be an even eight hundred.
+
+GOVERNOR. Very well. [Takes the money out of his pocket-book.] The notes
+happen to be brand-new, too, as though on purpose.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes. [Takes the bills and looks at them.] That's good.
+They say new money means good luck.
+
+GOVERNOR. Quite right.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich. I am very much obliged to you for
+your hospitality. I admit with all my heart that I have never got such
+a good reception anywhere. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna. Good-by, my
+sweet-heart, Marya Antonovna.
+
+All go out.
+
+Behind the Scenes.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, angel of my soul, Marya Antonovna.
+
+GOVERNOR. What's that? You are going in a plain mail-coach?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm used to it. I get a headache from a carriage with
+springs.
+
+POSTILION. Ho!
+
+GOVERNOR. Take a rug for the seat at least. If you say so, I'll tell
+them to bring a rug.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. No, what for? It's not necessary. However, let them bring a
+rug if you please.
+
+GOVERNOR. Ho, Avdotya. Go to the store-room and bring the very best rug
+from there, the Persian rug with the blue ground. Quick!
+
+POSTILION. Ho!
+
+GOVERNOR. When do you say we are to expect you back?
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Tomorrow, or the day after.
+
+OSIP. Is this the rug? Give it here. Put it there. Now put some hay on
+this side.
+
+POSTILION. Ho!
+
+OSIP. Here, on this side. More. All right. That will be fine. [Beats the
+rug down with his hand.] Now take the seat, your Excellency.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich.
+
+GOVERNOR. Good-by, your Excellency.
+
+ANNA } MARYA} Good-by, Ivan Aleksandrovich.
+
+KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, mother.
+
+POSTILION. Get up, my boys!
+
+The bell rings and the curtain drops.
+
+
+
+
+ACT V
+
+
+SCENE: Same as in Act IV.
+
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+
+Governor, Anna Andreyevna, and Marya Antonovna.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, Anna Andreyevna, eh? Did you ever imagine such a thing?
+Such a rich prize? I'll be--. Well, confess frankly, it never occurred
+to you even in your dreams, did it? From just a simple governor's wife
+suddenly--whew!--I'll be hanged!--to marry into the family of such a big
+gun.
+
+ANNA. Not at all. I knew it long ago. It seems wonderful to you because
+you are so plain. You never saw decent people.
+
+GOVERNOR. I'm a decent person myself, mother. But, really, think, Anna
+Andreyevna, what gay birds we have turned into now, you and I. Eh, Anna
+Andreyevna? High fliers, by Jove! Wait now, I'll give those fellows who
+were so eager to present their petitions and denunciations a peppering.
+Ho, who's there? [Enter a Sergeant.] Is it you, Ivan Karpovich? Call
+those merchants here, brother, won't you? I'll give it to them, the
+scoundrels! To make such complaints against me! The damned pack of Jews!
+Wait, my dear fellows. I used to dose you down to your ears. Now I'll
+dose you down to your beards. Make a list of all who came to protest
+against me, especially the mean petty scribblers who cooked the
+petitions up for them, and announce to all that they should know what
+honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the Governor, namely this: that he
+is marrying his daughter, not to a plain ordinary man, but to one the
+like of whom has never yet been in the world, who can do everything,
+everything, everything, everything! Proclaim it to all so that everybody
+should know. Shout it aloud to the whole world. Ring the bell, the devil
+take it! It is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph. [The Sergeant
+goes out.] So that's the way, Anna Andreyevna, eh? What shall we do now?
+Where shall we live? Here or in St. Pete?
+
+ANNA. In St. Petersburg, of course. How could we remain here?
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, if St. Pete, then St. Pete. But it would be good here,
+too. I suppose the governorship could then go to the devil, eh, Anna
+Andreyevna?
+
+ANNA. Of course. What's a governorship?
+
+GOVERNOR. Don't you think, Anna Andreyevna, I can rise to a high rank
+now, he being hand in glove with all the ministers, and visiting the
+court? In time I can be promoted to a generalship. What do you think,
+Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general?
+
+ANNA. I should say so. Of course you can.
+
+GOVERNOR. Ah, the devil take it, it's nice to be a general. They hang a
+ribbon across your shoulders. What ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or
+the blue St. Andrew?
+
+ANNA. The blue St. Andrew, of course.
+
+GOVERNOR. What! My, you're aiming high. The red one is good, too. Why
+does one want to be a general? Because when you go travelling, there are
+always couriers and aides on ahead with "Horses"! And at the stations
+they refuse to give the horses to others. They all wait, all those
+councilors, captains, governors, and you don't take the slightest
+notice of them. You dine somewhere with the governor-general. And the
+town-governor--I'll keep him waiting at the door. Ha, ha, ha! [He bursts
+into a roar of laughter, shaking all over.] That's what's so alluring,
+confound it!
+
+ANNA. You always like such coarse things. You must remember that our
+life will have to be completely changed, that your acquaintances will
+not be a dog-lover of a judge, with whom you go hunting hares, or a
+Zemlianika. On the contrary, your acquaintances will be people of the
+most refined type, counts, and society aristocrats. Only really I am
+afraid of you. You sometimes use words that one never hears in good
+society.
+
+GOVERNOR. What of it? A word doesn't hurt.
+
+ANNA. It's all right when you are a town-governor, but there the life is
+entirely different.
+
+GOVERNOR. Yes, they say there are two kinds of fish there, the sea-eel
+and the smelt, and before you start to eat them, the saliva flows in
+your mouth.
+
+ANNA. That's all he thinks about--fish. I shall insist upon our house
+being the first in the capital and my room having so much amber in it
+that when you come in you have to shut your eyes. [She shuts her eyes
+and sniffs.] Oh, how good!
+
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+
+The same and the Merchants.
+
+GOVERNOR. Ah, how do you do, my fine fellows?
+
+MERCHANTS [bowing]. We wish you health, father.
+
+GOVERNOR. Well, my dearly beloved friends, how are you? How are your
+goods selling? So you complained against me, did you, you tea tanks, you
+scurvy hucksters? Complain, against me? You crooks, you pirates, you.
+Did you gain a lot by it, eh? Aha, you thought you'd land me in prison?
+May seven devils and one she-devil take you! Do you know that--
+
+ANNA. Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use!
+
+GOVERNOR [irritated]. Oh, it isn't a matter of words now. Do you know
+that the very official to whom you complained is going to marry my
+daughter? Well, what do you say to that? Now I'll make you smart. You
+cheat the people, you make a contract with the government, and you
+do the government out of a hundred thousand, supplying it with rotten
+cloth; and when you give fifteen yards away gratis, you expect a reward
+besides. If they knew, they would send you to--And you strut about
+sticking out your paunches with a great air of importance: "I'm a
+merchant, don't touch me." "We," you say, "are as good as the nobility."
+Yes, the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. If he
+gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, to learn something useful.
+And you--start out in life learning trickery. Your master beats you for
+not being able to cheat. When you are still little boys and don't know
+the Lord's Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And
+when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air
+of importance. Whew! What marvels! Because you guzzle sixteen samovars
+full a day, that's why you put on an air of importance. I spit on your
+heads and on your importance.
+
+MERCHANTS [bowing]. We are guilty, Anton Antonovich.
+
+GOVERNOR. Complaining, eh? And who helped you with that grafting when
+you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there
+wasn't even a hundred rubles' worth used? I did. You goat beards. Have
+you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to
+Siberia. What do you say to that?
+
+A MERCHANT. I'm guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit
+tempted me. We will never complain against you again. Ask whatever
+satisfaction you want, only don't be angry.
+
+GOVERNOR. Don't be angry! Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because
+I am on top now. But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then
+you would trample me in the very dirt--you scoundrels! And you would
+crush me under a beam besides.
+
+MERCHANTS [prostrating themselves]. Don't ruin us, Anton Antonovich.
+
+GOVERNOR. Don't ruin us! Now you say, don't ruin us! And what did you
+say before? I could give you--[shrugging his shoulders and throwing up
+his hands.] Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don't harbor malice for
+long. Only look out now. Be on your guard. My daughter is going to
+marry, not an ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be--you
+understand? Don't try to get away with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of
+sugar. Well, leave now, in God's name.
+
+Merchants leave.
+
+
+
+SCENE III
+
+
+The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, then Rastakovsky.
+
+AMMOS [in the doorway]. Are we to believe the report, Anton Antonovich?
+A most extraordinary piece of good fortune has befallen you, hasn't it?
+
+ARTEMY. I have the honor to congratulate you on your unusual good
+fortune. I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it. [Kisses
+Anna's hand.] Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing Marya's hand.] Marya Antonovna!
+
+Rastakovsky enters.
+
+RASTAKOVSKY. I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you
+and the new couple long life and may He grant you numerous
+progeny--grand-children and great-grand-children. Anna Andreyevna!
+[Kissing her hand.] Marya Antonovna! [Kissing her hand.]
+
+
+
+SCENE IV
+
+
+The same, Korobkin and his Wife, Liuliukov.
+
+KOROBKIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and
+you, Anna Andreyevna [kissing her hand] and you Marya Antonovna [kissing
+her hand].
+
+KOROBKIN'S WIFE. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, Anna
+Andreyevna, on your new stroke of good fortune.
+
+LIULIUKOV. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna.
+[Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on
+a bold front.] Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you.
+[Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.]
+
+
+
+SCENE V
+
+
+A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand saying: "Anna
+Andreyevna," then Marya's hand, saying "Marya Antonovna."
+
+Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky enter jostling each other.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to congratulate you.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, I have the honor to congratulate you.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. On the happy event.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!
+
+They bend over her hand at the same time and bump foreheads.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna! [Kisses her hand.] I have the honor to
+congratulate you. You will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear
+garments of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you will pass your
+time most entertainingly.
+
+BOBCHINSKY [breaking in]. God give you all sorts of riches and of money
+and a wee tiny little son, like this. [Shows the size with his hands.]
+So that he can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will be
+crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow."
+
+
+
+SCENE VI
+
+
+More Guests enter and kiss the ladies' hands, among them Luka Lukich and
+his wife.
+
+LUKA LUKICH. I have the honor.
+
+LUKA'S WIFE [running ahead]. Congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna.
+[They kiss.] Really, I was so glad to hear of it. They tell me, "Anna
+Andreyevna has betrothed her daughter." "Oh, my God," I think to myself.
+It made me so glad that I said to my husband, "Listen, Lukanchik,
+that's a great piece of fortune for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," think I
+to myself, "thank God!" And I say to him, "I'm so delighted that I'm
+consumed with impatience to tell it to Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh,
+my God," think I to myself, "it's just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She
+always did expect a good match for her daughter. And now what luck! It
+happened just exactly as she wanted it to happen." Really, it made me so
+glad that I couldn't say a word. I cried and cried. I simply screamed,
+so that Luka Lukich said to me, "What are you crying so for, Nastenka?"
+"Lukanchik," I said, "I don't know myself. The tears just keep flowing
+like a stream."
+
+GOVERNOR. Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. Ho, Mishka, bring some
+more chairs in.
+
+The Guests seat themselves.
+
+
+
+SCENE VII
+
+
+The same, the Police Captain and Sergeants.
+
+CAPTAIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, your Honor, and to wish
+you long years of prosperity.
+
+GOVERNOR. Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, gentlemen.
+
+The Guests seat themselves.
+
+AMMOS. But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how did it all come about,
+and how did it all--ahem!--go?
+
+GOVERNOR. It went in a most extraordinary way. He condescended to make
+the proposal in his own person.
+
+ANNA. In the most respectful and most delicate manner. He spoke
+beautifully. He said: "Anna Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect
+for your worth." And such a handsome, cultured man! His manners so
+genteel! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," he says, "life is not worth a
+penny to me. It is only because I respect your rare qualities."
+
+MARYA. Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that.
+
+ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And don't meddle in other
+people's affairs. "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "I am enraptured." That
+was the flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was going to
+say, "We cannot possibly hope for such an honor," he suddenly went
+down on his knees, and so aristocratically! "Anna Andreyevna," he says,
+"don't make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond to my
+feelings, or else I'll put an end to my life."
+
+MARYA. Really, mamma, it was to me he said that.
+
+ANNA. Yes, of course--to you, too. I don't deny it.
+
+GOVERNOR. He even frightened us. He said he would put a bullet through
+his brains. "I'll shoot myself, I'll shoot myself," he said.
+
+MANY GUESTS. Well, for the Lord's sake!
+
+AMMOS. How remarkable!
+
+LUKA. It must have been fate that so ordained.
+
+ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the
+Governor's services that brought him this piece of fortune. [Aside.]
+Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.
+
+AMMOS. If you like, Anton Antonovich, I'll sell you the dog we were
+bargaining about.
+
+GOVERNOR. I don't care about dogs now.
+
+AMMOS. Well, if you don't want it, then we'll agree on some other dog.
+
+KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Oh, Anna Andreyevna, how happy I am over your good
+fortune. You can't imagine how happy I am.
+
+KOROBKIN. But where, may I ask, is the distinguished guest now? I heard
+he had gone away for some reason or other.
+
+GOVERNOR. Yes, he's gone off for a day on a highly important matter.
+
+ANNA. To his uncle--to ask his blessing.
+
+GOVERNOR. To ask his blessing. But tomorrow--[He sneezes, and all burst
+into one exclamation of well-wishes.] Thank you very much. But tomorrow
+he'll be back. [He sneezes, and is congratulated again. Above the other
+voices are heard those of the following.]
+
+{CAPTAIN. I wish you health, your Honor.
+
+{BOBCHINSKY. A hundred years and a sack of ducats.
+
+{DOBCHINSKY. May God increase it to a thousand.
+
+{ARTEMY. May you go to hell!
+
+{KOROBKIN'S WIFE. The devil take you!
+
+GOVERNOR. I'm very much obliged to you. I wish you the same.
+
+ANNA. We intend to live in St. Petersburg now. I must say, the
+atmosphere here is too village-like. I must say, it's extremely
+unpleasant. My husband, too--he'll be made a general there.
+
+GOVERNOR. Yes, confound it, gentlemen, I admit I should very much like
+to be a general.
+
+LUKA. May God grant that you get a generalship.
+
+RASTAKOVSKY. From man it is impossible, but from God everything is
+possible.
+
+AMMOS. High merits, high honors.
+
+ARTEMY. Reward according to service.
+
+AMMOS [aside]. The things he'll do when he becomes a general. A
+generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow. It's a far cry to his
+generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven't been made
+generals yet.
+
+ARTEMY [aside]. The devil take it--he's aiming for a generalship.
+Well, maybe he will become a general after all. He's got the air of
+importance, the devil take him! [Addressing the Governor.] Don't forget
+us then, Anton Antonovich.
+
+AMMOS. And if anything happens--for instance, some difficulty in our
+affairs--don't refuse us your protection.
+
+KOROBKIN. Next year I am going to take my son to the capital to put him
+in government service. So do me the kindness to give me your protection.
+Be a father to the orphan.
+
+GOVERNOR. I am ready for my part--ready to exert my efforts on your
+behalf.
+
+ANNA. Antosha, you are always ready with your promises. In the first
+place, you won't have time to think of such things. And how can you--how
+is it possible for you, to burden yourself with such promises?
+
+GOVERNOR. Why not, my dear? It's possible occasionally.
+
+ANNA. Of course it's possible. But you can't give protection to every
+small potato.
+
+KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Do you hear the way she speaks of us?
+
+GUEST. She's always been that way. I know her. Seat her at table and
+she'll put her feet on it.
+
+
+
+SCENE VIII
+
+
+The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in
+his hand.
+
+POSTMASTER. A most astonishing thing, ladies and gentlemen! The official
+whom we took to be an inspector-general is not an inspector-general.
+
+ALL. How so? Not an inspector-general?
+
+POSTMASTER. No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.
+
+GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What
+letter?
+
+POSTMASTER. His own letter. They bring a letter to the postoffice, I
+glance at the address and I see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb.
+"Well," I think to myself, "I suppose he found something wrong in the
+postoffice department and is informing the government." So I unsealed
+it.
+
+GOVERNOR. How could you?
+
+POSTMASTER. I don't know myself. A supernatural power moved me. I had
+already summoned a courier to send it off by express; but I was overcome
+by a greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. "I can't,
+I can't," I hear a voice telling me. "I can't." But it pulled me and
+pulled me. In one ear I heard, "Don't open the letter. You will die
+like a chicken," and in the other it was just as if the devil were
+whispering, "Open it, open it." And when I cracked the sealing wax, I
+felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened the letter, I froze, upon
+my word, I froze. And my hands trembled, and everything whirled around
+me.
+
+GOVERNOR. But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a
+personage?
+
+POSTMASTER. But that's just the point--he's neither powerful nor a
+personage.
+
+GOVERNOR. Then what is he in your opinion?
+
+POSTMASTER. He's neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he
+is.
+
+GOVERNOR [furiously]. How neither one thing nor another? How do you
+dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what
+besides? I'll put you under arrest.
+
+POSTMASTER. Who--you?
+
+GOVERNOR. Yes, I.
+
+POSTMASTER. You haven't the power.
+
+GOVERNOR. Do you know that he's going to marry my daughter? That I
+myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile
+to Siberia?
+
+POSTMASTER. Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is far away. I'd
+rather read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read
+the letter.
+
+ALL. Do read it.
+
+POSTMASTER [reads]. "I hasten to inform you, my dear friend, what
+wonderful things have happened to me. On the way here an infantry
+captain did me out of my last penny, so that the innkeeper here
+wanted to send me to jail, when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg
+appearance and dress, the whole town took me for a governor-general. Now
+I am staying at the governor's home. I am having a grand time and I am
+flirting desperately with his wife and daughter. I only haven't decided
+whom to begin with. I think with the mother first, because she seems
+ready to accept all terms. You remember how hard up we were taking our
+meals wherever we could without paying for them, and how once the pastry
+cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged pies that I ate to the
+king of England? Now it is quite different. They lend me all the money
+I want. They are an awful lot of originals. You would split your sides
+laughing at them. I know you write for the papers. Put them in your
+literature. In the first place the Governor is as stupid as an old
+horse--"
+
+GOVERNOR. Impossible! That can't be in the letter.
+
+POSTMASTER [showing the letter]. Read for yourself.
+
+GOVERNOR [reads]. "As an old horse." Impossible! You put it in yourself.
+
+POSTMASTER. How could I?
+
+ARTEMY. Go on reading.
+
+LUKA. Go on reading.
+
+POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. "The Governor is as stupid as an old
+horse--"
+
+GOVERNOR. Oh, the devil! He's got to read it again. As if it weren't
+there anyway.
+
+POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. H'm, h'm--"an old horse. The Postmaster
+is a good man, too." [Stops reading.] Well, here he's saying something
+improper about me, too.
+
+GOVERNOR. Go on--read the rest.
+
+POSTMASTER. What for?
+
+GOVERNOR. The deuce take it! Once we have begun to read it, we must read
+it all.
+
+ARTEMY. If you will allow me, I will read it. [Puts on his eye-glasses
+and reads.] "The Postmaster is just like the porter Mikheyev in our
+office, and the scoundrel must drink just as hard."
+
+POSTMASTER [to the audience]. A bad boy! He ought to be given a licking.
+That's all.
+
+ARTEMY [continues to read]. "The Superintendent of Char-i-i--"
+[Stammers.]
+
+KOROBKIN. Why did you stop?
+
+ARTEMY. The handwriting isn't clear. Besides, it's evident that he's a
+blackguard.
+
+KOROBKIN. Give it to me. I believe my eyesight is better.
+
+ARTEMY [refusing to give up the letter]. No. This part can be omitted.
+After that it's legible.
+
+KOROBKIN. Let me have it please. I'll see for myself.
+
+ARTEMY. I can read it myself. I tell you that after this part it's all
+legible.
+
+POSTMASTER. No, read it all. Everything so far could be read.
+
+ALL. Give him the letter, Artemy Filippovich, give it to him. [To
+Korobkin.] You read it.
+
+ARTEMY. Very well. [Gives up the letter.] Here it is. [Covers a part of
+it with his finger.] Read from here on. [All press him.]
+
+POSTMASTER. Read it all, nonsense, read it all.
+
+KOROBKIN [reading]. "The Superintendent of Charities, Zemlianika, is a
+regular pig in a cap."
+
+ARTEMY [to the audience]. Not a bit witty. A pig in a cap! Have you ever
+seen a pig wear a cap?
+
+KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "The School Inspector reeks of onions."
+
+LUKA [to the audience]. Upon my word, I never put an onion to my mouth.
+
+AMMOS [aside]. Thank God, there's nothing about me in it.
+
+KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "The Judge--"
+
+AMMOS. There! [Aloud.] Ladies and gentlemen, I think the letter is far
+too long. To the devil with it! Why should we go on reading such trash?
+
+LUKA. No.
+
+POSTMASTER. No, go on.
+
+ARTEMY. Go on reading.
+
+KOROBKIN. "The Judge, Liapkin-Tiapkin, is extremely mauvais ton." [He
+stops.] That must be a French word.
+
+AMMOS. The devil knows what it means. It wouldn't be so bad if all it
+means is "cheat." But it may mean something worse.
+
+KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "However, the people are hospitable
+and kindhearted. Farewell, my dear Triapichkin. I want to follow your
+example and take up literature. It's tiresome to live this way, old boy.
+One wants food for the mind, after all. I see I must engage in something
+lofty. Address me: Village of Podkatilovka in the Government of
+Saratov." [Turns the letter and reads the address.] "Mr. Ivan
+Vasilyevich Triapichkin, St. Petersburg, Pochtamtskaya Street, House
+Number 97, Courtyard, third floor, right."
+
+A LADY. What an unexpected rebuke!
+
+GOVERNOR. He has cut my throat and cut it for good. I'm done for,
+completely done for. I see nothing. All I see are pigs' snouts instead
+of faces, and nothing more. Catch him, catch him! [Waves his hand.]
+
+POSTMASTER. Catch him! How? As if on purpose, I told the overseer to
+give him the best coach and three. The devil prompted me to give the
+order.
+
+KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Here's a pretty mess.
+
+AMMOS. Confound it, he borrowed three hundred rubles from me.
+
+ARTEMY. He borrowed three hundred from me, too.
+
+POSTMASTER [sighing]. And from me, too.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. And sixty-five from me and Piotr Ivanovich.
+
+AMMOS [throwing up his hands in perplexity]. How's that, gentlemen?
+Really, how could we have been so off our guard?
+
+GOVERNOR [beating his forehead]. How could I, how could I, old fool?
+I've grown childish, stupid mule. I have been in the service thirty
+years. Not one merchant, not one contractor has been able to impose on
+me. I have over-reached one swindler after another. I have caught crooks
+and sharpers that were ready to rob the whole world. I have fooled three
+governor-generals. As for governor-generals, [with a wave of his hand]
+it is not even worth talking about them.
+
+ANNA. But how is it possible, Antosha? He's engaged to Mashenka.
+
+GOVERNOR [in a rage]. Engaged! Rats! Fiddlesticks! So much for your
+engagement! Thrusts her engagement at me now! [In a frenzy.] Here, look
+at me! Look at me, the whole world, the whole of Christendom. See what
+a fool the governor was made of. Out upon him, the fool, the old
+scoundrel! [Shakes his fist at himself.] Oh, you fat-nose! To take an
+icicle, a rag for a personage of rank! Now his coach bells are jingling
+all along the road. He is publishing the story to the whole world. Not
+only will you be made a laughing-stock of, but some scribbler, some
+ink-splasher will put you into a comedy. There's the horrid sting. He
+won't spare either rank or station. And everybody will grin and clap his
+hands. What are you laughing at? You are laughing at yourself, oh you!
+[Stamps his feet.] I would give it to all those ink-splashers! You
+scribblers, damned liberals, devil's brood! I would tie you all up in a
+bundle, I would grind you into meal, and give it to the devil. [Shakes
+his fist and stamps his heel on the floor. After a brief silence.] I
+can't come to myself. It's really true, whom the gods want to
+punish they first make mad. In what did that nincompoop resemble an
+inspector-general? In nothing, not even half the little finger of an
+inspector-general. And all of a sudden everybody is going about saying,
+"Inspector-general, inspector-general." Who was the first to say it?
+Tell me.
+
+ARTEMY [throwing up his hands]. I couldn't tell how it happened if I had
+to die for it. It is just as if a mist had clouded our brains. The devil
+has confounded us.
+
+AMMOS. Who was the first to say it? These two here, this noble pair.
+[Pointing to Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky.]
+
+BOBCHINSKY. So help me God, not I. I didn't even think of it.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. I didn't say a thing, not a thing.
+
+ARTEMY. Of course you did.
+
+LUKA. Certainly. You came running here from the inn like madmen. "He's
+come, he's come. He doesn't pay." Found a rare bird!
+
+GOVERNOR. Of course it was you. Town gossips, damned liars!
+
+ARTEMY. The devil take you with your inspector-general and your tattle.
+
+GOVERNOR. You run about the city, bother everybody, confounded
+chatterboxes. You spread gossip, you short-tailed magpies, you!
+
+AMMOS. Damned bunglers!
+
+LUKA. Simpletons.
+
+ARTEMY. Pot-bellied mushrooms!
+
+All crowd around them.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. Upon my word, it wasn't I. It was Piotr Ivanovich.
+
+DOBCHINSKY. No, Piotr Ivanovich, you were the first.
+
+BOBCHINSKY. No, no. You were the first.
+
+
+
+
+LAST SCENE
+
+
+The same and a Gendarme.
+
+GENDARME. An official from St. Petersburg sent by imperial order has
+arrived, and wants to see you all at once. He is stopping at the inn.
+
+All are struck as by a thunderbolt. A cry of amazement bursts from the
+ladies simultaneously. The whole group suddenly shifts positions and
+remains standing as if petrified.
+
+
+
+
+SILENT SCENE
+
+
+The Governor stands in the center rigid as a post, with outstretched
+hands and head thrown backward. On his right are his wife and daughter
+straining toward him. Back of them the Postmaster, turned toward the
+audience, metamorphosed into a question mark. Next to him, at the edge
+of the group, three lady guests leaning on each other, with a most
+satirical expression on their faces directed straight at the Governor's
+family. To the left of the Governor is Zemlianika, his head to one side
+as if listening. Behind him is the Judge with outspread hands almost
+crouching on the ground and pursing his lips as if to whistle or say:
+"A nice pickle we're in!" Next to him is Korobkin, turned toward the
+audience, with eyes screwed up and making a venomous gesture at the
+Governor. Next to him, at the edge of the group, are Dobchinsky and
+Bobchinsky, gesticulating at each other, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.
+The other guests remain standing stiff. The whole group retain the same
+position of rigidity for almost a minute and a half. The curtain falls.
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Inspector-General, by Nicolay Gogol
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