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diff --git a/37301.txt b/37301.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e585c8b --- /dev/null +++ b/37301.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6702 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Whale and the Grasshopper, by Seumas O'Brien + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Whale and the Grasshopper + And other Fables + +Author: Seumas O'Brien + +Illustrator: Robert McCraig + +Release Date: September 3, 2011 [EBook #37301] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WHALE AND THE GRASSHOPPER *** + + + + +Produced by Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net/ for Project +Gutenberg (This file was produced from images generously +made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + THE WHALE AND THE GRASSHOPPER + And Other Fables + + By + SEUMAS O'BRIEN + + With a frontispiece by + Robert McCaig + + + + Boston + Little, Brown, and Company + 1916 + + + + + + + To + Edward J. O'Brien + + + + + + +LIST OF FABLES + + + Page + + The Whale and the Grasshopper 1 + The House in the Valley 14 + Peace and War 26 + The Valley of the Dead 36 + The King of Montobewlo 51 + The Dilemma of Matty the Goat 67 + Ham and Eggs 101 + The White Horse of Banba 117 + Rebellions 136 + Kings and Commoners 143 + The Folly of Being Foolish 155 + The Lady of the Moon 163 + A Bargain of Bargains 177 + Shauno and the Shah 191 + The Mayor of Loughlaurna 212 + The Land of Peace and Plenty 230 + The Linnet with the Crown of Gold 242 + The Man with the Wooden Leg 258 + The Hermit of the Grove 278 + The King of Goulnaspurra 294 + + + + + + +THE WHALE AND THE GRASSHOPPER + + +When Padna Dan started talking to his friend Micus Pat as they +walked at a leisurely pace towards the town of Castlegregory on a +June morning, what he said was: "The world is a wonderful place when +you come to think about it, and Ireland is a wonderful place and +so is America, and though there are lots of places like each other, +there's no place like Ballysantamalo. When there's not sunshine there, +there's moonshine, and the handsomest women in the world live there, +and nowhere else except in Ireland or the churchyards could you find +such decent people." + +"Decency," said Micus, "when you're poor is extravagance, and bad +example when you're rich." + +"And why?" said Padna. + +"Well," said Micus, "because the poor imitate the rich and the rich +give to the poor and when the poor give to each other they have +nothing of their own." + +"That's communism you're talking," said Padna, "and that always comes +before education and enlightenment. Sure, if the poor weren't decent +they'd be rich, and if the rich were decent they'd be poor, and if +every one had a conscience there'd be less millionaires." + +"'Tis a poor bird that can't pick for himself." + +"But suppose a bird had a broken wing and couldn't fly to where the +pickings were?" said Micus. + +"Well, then bring the pickings to him. That would be charity." + +"But charity is decency and wisdom is holding your tongue when you +don't know what you're talking about." + +"If the people of Ballysantamalo are so decent, how is it that there +are so many bachelors there? Do you think it right to have all the +young women worrying their heads off reading trashy novels and doing +all sorts of silly things like fixing their hair in a way that was +never intended by nature and doing so for years and years and having +nothing in the end but the trouble of it all?" + +"Well, 'tis hard blaming the young men because every young lady +you meet looks better to you than the last until you meet the next, +and so you go from one to another until you're so old that no one +would marry you at all unless you had lots of money, a bad liver, +and a shaky heart." + +"An old man without any sense, lots of money, a bad liver, and a shaky +heart can always get a young lady to marry him," said Micus, "though +rheumatics, gout, and a wooden leg are just as good in such a case." + +"Every bit," said Padna, "but there's nothing like a weak constitution, +a cold climate, and a tendency to pneumonia." + +"Old men are queer," said Micus. + +"They are," said Padna, "and if they were all only half as wise as +they think they are, then there'd be only young fools in the world. I +don't wonder a bit at the suffragettes. And a time will come when we +won't know men from women unless someone tells us so." + +"Wisha, 'tis my belief that there will be a great reaction some day, +because women will never be able to stand the strain of doing what +they please without encountering opposition. When a man falls into +love he falls into trouble likewise, and when a woman isn't in trouble +you may be sure that there's something wrong with her." + +"Well," said Padna, "I think we will leave the women where the Devil +left St. Peter,--" + +"Where was that?" asked Micus. + +"Alone," answered Padna. + +"That would be all very fine if they stayed there," said Micus. + +"Now," said Padna, "as I was talking of my travels in foreign parts, +I want to tell you about the morning I walked along the beach at +Ballysantamalo, and a warm morning it was too. So I ses to meself, +'Padna Dan,' ses I, 'what kind of a fool of a man are you? Why don't +you take a swim for yourself?' So I did take a swim, and I swam to the +rocks where the seals go to get their photographs taken, and while I +was having a rest for myself I noticed a grasshopper sitting a short +distance away and 'pon my word, but he was the most sorrowful-looking +grasshopper I ever saw before or since. Then all of a sudden a monster +whale comes up from the sea and lies down beside him and ses: 'Well,' +ses he, 'is that you? Who'd ever think of finding you here! Why +there's nothing strange under the sun but the ways of woman.' + +"''Tis me that's here, then,' ses the grasshopper. 'My grandmother +died last night and she wasn't insured either.' + +"'The practice of negligence is the curse of mankind and the root +of sorrow,' ses the whale. 'I suppose the poor old soul had her fill +of days, and sure we all must die, and 'tis cheaper to be dead than +alive at any time. A man never knows that he's dead when he is dead, +and he never knows he's alive until he's married.' + +"'You're a great one to expatiate on things you know nothing about +like the barbers and the cobblers,' said the grasshopper. 'I only +want to know if you're coming to the funeral to-morrow.' + +"'I'm sorry I can't,' ses the whale. 'My grandfather is getting married +for the tenth time and I was in China on the last few occasions. I must +pay my respects by being present at to-morrow's festivities,' ses he. + +"'I'm sorry you can't come,' ses the grasshopper, 'because you are +heartily welcome and you'd add prestige to the ceremony besides.' + +"'I know that,' ses the whale, 'but America don't care much about +ceremony.' + +"'Who told you that?' ses the grasshopper. + +"'Haven't I my eyesight, and don't I read the newspapers?' ses +the whale. + +"'You mustn't read the society columns, then,' ses the grasshopper. + +"'Wisha, for the love of St. Crispin,' ses the whale, 'have they +society columns in the American newspapers?' + +"'Indeed they have,' ses the grasshopper, 'and they oftentimes devote +a few columns to other matters when the dressmakers don't be busy.' + +"'America is a strange country surely, a wonderful country, not to +say a word about the length and breadth of it. I swam around it twice +last week without stopping, to try and reduce my weight, and would +you believe me that I was tired after the journey, but the change of +air only added to my proportions?' + +"'That's too bad,' ses the grasshopper. + +"'Are you an American?' ses the whale. + +"'Of course I am,' ses the grasshopper. 'You don't think 'tis the +way I'd be born at sea and no nationality at all, like yourself. I'm +proud of my country.' + +"'And why, might I ask?' + +"'Well, don't we produce distinguished Irishmen, and make Americans +of the Europeans and Europeans of the Americans? Think of all the +connoisseurs who wouldn't buy a work of art in their own country, when +they could go to Europe and pay ten times the value for the pot-boilers +that does be turned out in the studios of Paris and London.' + +"'There's nothing like home industry,' ses the whale, 'in a foreign +country, I mean.' + +"'After all, who knows anything about a work of art but the artist, +and very little he knows about it either. A work of art is like a +flower; it grows, it happens. That's all. And unless you charge the +devil's own price for it, people will think you are cheating them.' + +"'Wisha, I suppose the best any one can do is to take all you can get +and if you want to be a philanthropist give away what you don't want,' +ses the grasshopper. + +"'All worth missing I catches,' ses the whale, 'and all worth +catching I misses, like the fisherman who lost the salmon and caught +a crab. How's things in Europe? I didn't see the papers this morning.' + +"'Europe is in a bad way,' ses the grasshopper. 'She was preaching +civilization for centuries, so that she might be prepared when war +came to annihilate herself.' + +"'It looks that way to me,' ses the whale. 'Is there anything else +worth while going on in the world?' + +"'There's the Irish question,' ses the grasshopper. + +"'Where's that Ireland is?' ses the whale. 'Isn't that an island to +the west of England?' + +"'No,' ses the grasshopper, 'but England is an island to the east +of Ireland.' + +"'Wisha,' ses the whale, 'it gives me indigestion to hear people +talking about Ireland. Sure, I nearly swallowed it up by mistake while +I was on a holiday in the Atlantic last year, and I'm sorry now that +I didn't.' + +"'And I'm sorry that you didn't try,' ses the grasshopper. 'Then +you'd know something about indigestion. The less you have to say +about Ireland, the less you'll have to be sorry for. Remember that +my father came from Cork.' + +"'Can't I say what I like?' ses the whale. + +"'You can think what you like,' ses the grasshopper, 'but say what +other people like if you want to be a good politician.' + +"'There's nothing so much abused as politics,' ses the whale. + +"'Except politicians,' ses the grasshopper. 'Only for the Irish there'd +be no one bothering about poetry and the drama to-day. Only for fools +there'd be no wise people, and only for sprats, hake, and mackerel +there'd be no whales, and a good job that would be too.' + +"'What's that you're saying?' ses the whale very sharply. + +"'Don't have me to lose my temper with you,' ses the grasshopper. + +"'Wisha, bad luck to your impudence and bad manners, you insignificant +little spalpeen. How dare you insult your superiors?' ses the whale. + +"'Who's my superior?' says the grasshopper. 'You, is it?' + +"'Yes, me then,' says the whale. + +"'Well,' ses the grasshopper, 'there's no doubt but vanity, ignorance, +and ambition are three wonderful things, and you have them all.' + +"'Another word from you,' ses the whale, 'and I'll put you where +Napoleon put the oysters.' + +"'Neither you, nor Napoleon, nor the Kaiser himself and his hundred +million men could do hurt or harm to me. You could have every soldier +in the German army, the French army, and the Salvation Army looking +for me, and I'd put the comether on them all.' + +"'I can't stand this any longer,' ses the whale, and then and there +he hits the rock a whack of his tail, and when I went to look for +the grasshopper, there he was sitting on the whale's nose as happy +and contented as if nothing had happened. And when he jumped back +to the rock again, he says: 'A little exercise when 'tis tempered +with discretion never does any harm, but violent exertion is a very +foolish thing if you value your health. But it is only people who +have no sense, but think they have it all, who make such errors.' + +"'If I could only get a hold of you,' ses the whale, 'I'd knock some +of the pride out of you.' + +"'That would be an ungentlemanly way of displaying your displeasure,' +ses the grasshopper. + +"'I'd scorn,' ses he, 'to use violent means with you, or do you +physical injury of any kind. All you want is self control and a little +education. You should know that quantity without quality isn't as +good as quality without quantity.' + +"'Sure, 'tis I'm the fool to be wasting my time listening to the +likes of you,' ses the whale. 'If any of my own family saw me now, +I'd never hear the end of it.' + +"'Indeed,' ses the grasshopper, 'no one belonging to me would ever +recognise me ever again if they thought I was trying to make a whale +behave himself. There would be some excuse for one of my attainments +feeling proud. But as for you--!' + +"'And what in the name of nonsense can you do except give old guff +out of you?' + +"'I haven't time to tell you all,' ses the grasshopper. 'But to +commence with, I can travel all over the world and have the use of +trains, steamers, sailing ships, and automobiles and will never be +asked to pay a cent, and I can live on the dry land all my life if +I choose, while you can't live under water, or over water, on land +or on sea, and while all the king's horses and all the king's men +couldn't catch me if they were trying till the crack of doom, you +could be caught by a few poor ignorant harmless sailors, who wouldn't +know a crow from a cormorant and who'd sell your old carcass to make +oil for foolish wives to burn and write letters to other people's +husbands and fill the world with trouble.' + +"'And what about all the whalebone we supplies for ladies' corsets +and paper knives, and what about all the stories we make for the +novelists and the moving pictures and--'" + +"We're at the Sprig of Holly now," said Micus. "Is it a pint of porter +or a bottle of stout you'll have?" + +"I'll have a pint, I think," said Padna. + + + + + + +THE HOUSE IN THE VALLEY + + +Down in the valley squirrels were busy climbing the hazel trees; +rabbits made bold and ventured from their hiding places to gambol in +the autumnal sunshine; weasels sported among the ferns; birds sang and +insects buzzed, while nature looked on and smiled. Larch, birch, oak, +and sycamore were altogether mingled, and perfect harmony there was in +bower and hedgerow. Everybody came to the valley and everybody enjoyed +coming, because there was no place like it. There was no color that +you could not find there; but if you searched all day and all night +too, only one house could you find in all its leafy splendor. Nor was +it a large house. Just two stories high, with medium-sized windows +below and small dormer windows on top. The roof was made of thatch, +and the thatch, from being bleached in the sun, had turned to a +golden hue. The walls, no one could tell what they were made of, +so well were they covered with ivy and other green creepers. In the +garden in front there were roses, pinks, and geraniums; and in the +garden behind, nasturtiums, money-musk, and golden feather grew on a +rockery made of large stones that were brought from Conlan's Strand, +where the children of Lir (before they became swans) used to play +and watch the great ships sailing over the seas. It was a beautiful +place to live, was this house, and whosoever looked upon it never +forgot the house in the valley. + +"This is a wonderful place, surely!" said a stranger, as he looked +down from a crag and surveyed the winding valley beneath. + +"A more wonderful place you could not find in a lifetime," responded +Micus Pat, as he lit his pipe. + +"I believe you," said the stranger. "Sure, 'tis ten years of my life +I'd give to own that house," as he pointed to where blue smoke was +curling skywards. "Who built it at all, I'd like to know?" + +"Sit down there," said Micus Pat, as he pointed to a fallen tree, +"and I'll tell you." + +And this is what he told: + + + +"Well, it all happened when His Royal Highness the Czar of Russia +came on a visit to the Mayor of Cahermore." + +"That must have been a long time ago," interrupted the stranger. + +"Of course it was," said Micus. "But, as I was saying, when His Royal +Highness came to the town, there was great excitement entirely. Every +man, woman, and child put on their Sunday clothes, and never before +nor since was there such eating and drinking, nor such dancing and +singing. Flags were flying from the windows and the housetops, and +the birds in the cages and the birds in the trees sang until they +got so hoarse that they couldn't sing any more. The Czar himself was +delighted, and some say that he grew two inches taller from all he +had seen: but he wasn't much of a man at that. He was just an inch or +so bigger than yourself, and maybe a bit better looking, but who'd +be boasting about such things, anyway? Well, though the Czar was +neither big nor small, good looking nor bad looking, all the Grand +Dukes and Grand Duchesses were the sight of the world. They too were +delighted with themselves and everybody else, and all went well until +the Czar was making his speech, and Bryan O'Loughlin taking it down +in shorthand." + +"What did he want taking down the speech for?" said the stranger. + +"I'm surprised at your ignorance," said Micus. "Sure you ought to +know that the Czar gets all his speeches printed and gives them to +his children to read during the cold wintry nights in Russia. There's +so much frost and snow there that His Royal Highness never leaves his +children run about the roads to warm themselves, like other children, +for fear of their getting chilblains and toothaches." + +"He must be a good father, then," said the stranger. + +"Of course he is," said Micus, and he proceeded. "Well, the speech was +wonderfully worded and loudly applauded, and nearly ended, when a loud +report rang out like as if some one was trying to blow up the world--" + +"The Lord save us!" said the stranger. + +"Amen!" said Micus. "And when the silence was resumed, some one +shouted at the top of his voice. 'Anarchists! Anarchists! Anarchists!'" + +"What is an anarchist?" asked the stranger. + +"An anarchist," answered Micus, "is one who don't know what's the +matter with himself or the world, and cares as little about his own +life as he does about any one else's." + +"There are a lot of fools in the world, I'm thinking," said the +stranger. + +"There are, thank God," replied Micus. "Well, as true as I'm telling +you, every one in the place took to their heels when the great noise +came, except Bryan O'Loughlin and the Czar himself. And if you looked +out through the windows of the Town Hall, you'd see for miles and miles +and miles along the roads nothing but Grand Dukes and fair ladies, +soldiers and sailors, and they flying helter-skelter as though the +Devil, or Cromwell himself, was after them." + +"And what did the Czar himself say?" queried the stranger. + +"'The pusillanimous varmints,' ses he, as he trod the floor with +disdain; and then, lo and behold! another blast rang out, and the +Czar with all his swords and medals fell into Bryan's arms, and cried +out! 'I'm a dead man,' ses he. 'Bury me with my mother's people!' + +"But he was no more dead than myself, for he only stepped on a blank +cartridge which was dropped by some of the Grand Dukes in the scrummage +for the doors--and that's what nearly took the senses from His Royal +Highness the Czar of Russia. + +"Well, when he came to himself some time after, he ses to Bryan: +'You're a brave man,' ses he, 'and you must be rewarded for your +valor,' and Bryan felt as proud as the Duke of Wellington and he after +putting the comether on poor Napoleon; and to show how little he cared +for danger, he trod on every cartridge he saw on the floor, and if you +were there you'd think 'twas at the battle of Vinegar Hill you were. + +"'Be careful,' ses the Czar, 'one of them cartridges might be loaded. I +can see you are a brave man' (and he was too, for he was married +three times, and he a widower, and he but three and thirty). 'There's +nothing like discretion,' ses the Czar, 'if you want to keep alive +and out of trouble.' + +"'I'm afraid of nothing,' ses Bryan. 'And I'll always befriend a +stranger in a foreign country.' + +"And when the Czar heard that, he ses: 'Bryan O'Loughlin of Cahermore, +come here to me,' and Bryan came. 'Sit down there,' ses he, 'while +I fill my pipe,' and when his pipe was filled, he up and ses, as +he drew a lot of photographs from his pocket: 'These are my seven +daughters,' ses he, and Bryan was delighted and surprised, so he ses: +'And is their mother living too?' 'She is, indeed,' says the Czar, +and without saying another word he pulls her photograph out of another +pocket, and when Bryan sees it, he ses: ''Pon my word, she's a fine, +decent, grauver looking woman, and I wouldn't mind having her for a +mother myself, only she looks too like a protestant.' + +"'She was the Duchess of Skatchachivouchi,' ses the Czar. + +"'Is that so? Well, then, she comes of a real decent family,' +ses Bryan. + +"'Now,' ses the Czar, 'I want to reward you for your wonderful courage, +so you can have your choice of my seven daughters,' ses he, 'and I'll +make you Duke of Siberia besides.' + +"But Bryan neither hummed nor hawed, and only asked him for the fill +of his pipe, and when both were puffing away together, ses Bryan to +the Czar: 'I can see you are a decent man, and I must thank you for +your kindness, and indeed I must say also that your daughters are +fine respectable-looking young women, and I'm sure that they would +make good wives if they were well looked after. But I promised my +last wife, and she on her dying bed, that I would never marry any +one again but the King of Spain's daughter.' + +"And when he had all that said, the Czar looked very sad, and turned +as pale as a ghost, and all he said was: 'Well, I couldn't do any +more for you,' and then ses he: 'Is there any place down here where +we can have a drink?' + +"'There is,' said Bryan, 'down in the glen at the Fox and Hounds.' + +"So off they marched together, and after they treated each other to +three halfs of whiskey each, the Czar looked very tired and forlorn, +and said, as they made a short cut through St. Kevin's boreen, and +observed the clouds of night coming on from east and west, and south +and north, and not a friend nor an enemy in sight: 'Well,' ses he, +'how the devil am I to reach the shore in safety? I'm a mighty monarch, +and I must have a bodyguard.' + +"To all this, and more besides, Bryan listened, but never a word +did he say until he smoked nearly all the Czar's tobacco, and burnt +all his matches; and then all of a sudden he ses, 'Leave it to me,' +ses he. 'I can get you a bodyguard.' + +"'I wouldn't doubt you,' ses the Czar, as he slipped him a guinea. 'You +can have this,' ses he, 'as you wouldn't have any of my daughters +and be made the Duke of Siberia. But we'll none the less be friends,' +ses he. 'Life is a tragedy or a comedy according to the way you look +at it.' + +"'The world's a stage,' says Bryan, 'but most of the actors don't +know how to act: they are only supers at best!' + +"'That's so,' ses the Czar. 'But what about my bodyguard?' + +"'I'm thinking of it,' ses Bryan. 'Do you know my brother Larry?' + +"'No,' says the Czar, 'the pleasure isn't mine. + +"'Well, he's a second corporal in the Ballygarvan Lancers, and he's +a great friend of the sergeant's, and between us I think we can find +a bodyguard.' + +"And as true as I'm telling you, after supper that night the Czar of +Russia marched through the streets of Cahermore with a bodyguard of +the Ballygarvan Lancers behind and before him, and Bryan out in front +leading the way, with a gun on his shoulder and a sword by his side, +and everybody taking off their hats to him as he passed." + +"And what happened to the Czar?" inquired the stranger. + +"He went on board his warship and sacked all his generals, admirals, +and Grand Dukes, and when he went back to Russia, he sent over his +architect and masons to build a house for Bryan, and that's the house +in the valley beyond." + +"And was that the end of Bryan O'Loughlin and the Czar of Russia?" + +"No," answered Micus. "Every Christmas his Royal Highness used to +send Bryan Christmas cards from himself and the wife and children, +and a box of blessed candles besides, and a bag of birdseed for the +linnets, and sweetpea seed for the garden also; and there was no +happier man in the whole world than Bryan till the day he died. And +that's the end of my story." + +"I think 'tis time to be going home now," said the stranger. "The +swallows are flying low, and night will be overtaking me before I +will be over the mountain." + +"Don't get wet, whatever you do," said Micus. "It's bad for the +rheumatics." + + + + + + +PEACE AND WAR + + +What about the story you promised to tell me last night?" said Micus +to his friend Padna. + +"Draw your chair closer to the fire, and you'll hear it," said Padna, +and this is what he told: + + + +"Johnny Moonlight was so called because of his love of nocturnal +rambling, and Peep o' Day won his name because he rose every morning +to see the sun rising. Johnny and Peep were neighbors, and it was no +unusual thing for Johnny to meet Peep as he wended his way home while +Peep wended his way from it. Johnny was the more loquacious of the two, +and when Peep, who rose earlier than was his wont, saw him watching +the reflection of the moon in the placid waters of Glenmoran Bay, +he up and ses: + +"What are you doing at all, at all, Johnny?" + +"I am watching the moonbeams glistening on the waters," replied Johnny, +"and what greater pleasure could any man have and all for nothing too?" + +"'Tis a glorious and a beautiful sight, surely, but the greatest of all +pleasures is to see the sun rising and to listen to the birds singing +in the bushes and to hear the cocks crowing and clapping their wings, +not to say a word about watching the flowers opening up and drinking +the morning dew. 'Tis in the morning that the world rejoices, and +in the morning we see the work of God everywhere, and 'tis only in +the darkness of the night that the badness comes upon men. Everybody +loves the morning, and all the poets have written about it." + +"Don't be bothering me about the poets. I'd rather walk by the light of +the moon through the glens and the woods, through the winding boreens +when the hawthorn and woodbine are in bloom, or by the shore of the +bay when the world does be sleeping, and have nothing to disturb +my thoughts, except maybe a rabbit skedaddling through the ferns, +or a banshee wailing when some one gets killed in the wars, than to +see the sun breaking through the clouds at the grey of dawn. + +"There's a lonesomeness and a queerness about the beginning of +everything, and 'twas always the shaky feeling that came over me +when I stayed out so late as to be caught by the rising sun on the +roadside. But every man is entitled to his own opinion until he gets +married, so we won't quarrel, because people who quarrel are always +sorry for the things they say and the things they forget to say." + +"You can't change a man's opinion," said Peep, "unless you change +himself, and then he'd be some one else and stick to his own opinion +the same as any of us." + +"That's true," said Johnny, "and there's nothing worse than truth +except lies. People only tell the truth when they are afraid of telling +lies and then they must lie about it before any one believes them. + +"Truth will make lies all fall to pieces, but more lies will patch them +together again. So 'tis as good to be such a liar that nobody believes +you as to be so fond of the truth that no one would trust you." + +"Wisha, for goodness' sake, do you think that I have nothing else to do +but getting my brains twisted trying to follow your contrary reasoning, +which only leads a sensible man into confusion and bewilderment? What's +the use of anything if you don't know how to enjoy yourself?" + +"Devil the bit, and why people should go to the inconvenience of +annoying themselves in order to please nobody is more than I can +understand." + +"If people could understand why they're sensible they'd become foolish, +and if they could understand why they're foolish they'd become +sensible. But as the wise and the foolish will never know what's the +matter with each other, there will be always trouble in the world." + +"There will be always trouble while women are allowed to have their +own way and their husbands' money." + +"There's no sentiment in women." + +"None whatever, but they are all able to act and play any part that +the exigencies of the occasion may require, and that's better than +having an abundance of sentiment or any other quality that hinders +one's progress in a world of hypocrisy and conventionality." + +"'Tis the great flow of words you have, to be sure, not to say a word +about your common-sense. Was it from reading books that you got all +your knowledge?" + +"It wasn't, indeed, but from observing the ways of all the strange +creatures on the face of the earth from man to the ants." + +"The world is a queer place. Nothing but war of some kind or other +while you're alive and peace only when you're dead, and then there +may be no peace either, for all we know." + +"'Tis thinking I am that you're right, and if you'll listen, I'll +tell you what happened as I was sauntering about by myself last night." + +"I'll listen, to be sure," said Peep. + +"Well," said Johnny, "as I was walking along by the Faery Fort, +I heard some one singing, so I quickened my pace and came upon two +strange looking gentlemen who were marching to the tune of 'Home, +Sweet Home.' And when I ses: 'Good night,' they answered back and ses: +'Good night kindly, sir,' ses they. 'Who may we have the pleasure of +talking to?' 'To Johnny Moonlight,' ses I. 'And who may I be talking +to?' 'Don't you know us,' says they altogether. 'Erra, of course I do,' +ses I. 'Who would ye be but Oliver Cromwell and the Devil himself? And +what may ye be doing here?' + +"'We're on our way home after a trip to Europe,' ses the Devil, +'and we'd be glad to have the pleasure of your company.' + +"'Your kindness is embarrassing,' ses I. 'Indeed I couldn't think of +accepting such hospitality.' + +"'Well, you can go to Belgium for all I care,' ses the Devil. 'But +clear out of me sight, anyway, or I'll hand you over to me friend +Oliver.' So with that they sat down on a ditch and commenced talking, +and I stole up behind, and this is what I heard: + +"'I'm homesick,' ses Cromwell. + +"'So am I,' ses the Devil, 'and disappointed too. Europe is in a bad +way, God help us!' + +"'Indeed it is, and I don't think we ought to tell Napoleon anything +about what we saw." + +"''Twould only spoil his conceit to think that the world could be in +such a condition and he not there to share in the glory.' + +"''Tisn't talking about Napoleon I'd be, if I were you. Sure it's +yourself has fallen on evil days. You thought that you could have a +nice quiet holiday for yourself in Europe, but your nerves couldn't +stand all the horrors of the war, so you must needs hurry home to +recuperate and look after your own people,' ses Cromwell. + +"'I can stand as much as you at any time,' ses the Devil. + +"'Well, you must not have read the history of Ireland,' ses Cromwell. + +"'And if I didn't, do you think I'd have you for a companion? I'm as +good a man as you ever were,' ses the Devil. + +"'You may be as good,' ses Cromwell, 'but I'll acknowledge no +superiority from you or any one else.' + +"'It don't look well for us to be quarreling, Oliver,' ses the Devil. + +"'That's true. We should always be a source of comfort and consolation +to each other. And we will, too. Indeed, it isn't fair to us to have +Ireland as she is these times.' + +"'What's wrong now?' ses the Devil. + +"'Wisha, nothing in particular,' ses Cromwell. + +"'Ireland has always been a great bother to myself and England,' +ses the Devil. + +"'She has never helped us, more's the pity,' ses Cromwell. + +"'And 'tis yourself made a great impression on the minds of the Irish +people,' ses the Devil. + +"'Indeed and I did,' ses Cromwell, 'and on the English people too, +and sure there's no one better known at home than ourselves.' + +"'Well,' ses the Devil, ''tis said that a man only gets as much as +he deserves, except when he's married. And no man is a prophet in +his own country.' + +"'True!' ses Cromwell. 'The eaten loaf is soon forgotten, and the +English people would forget me if they could.' + +"'Don't worry,' says the Devil. 'The Irish will never allow them to +do that.' + +"'I suppose my memory will be always kept green by the Irish,' +ses Cromwell. + +"'Of course,' ses the Devil. 'Of course it will. And what greater +proof can you have of the inconsistency of mankind?' + +"'There's nothing more consistent than man's inconsistency,' ses +Cromwell. + +"'Except woman's, of course,' ses the Devil. 'Sure I can't understand +the creatures at all.' + +"'I'm glad to hear you say so,' ses Cromwell, 'because if we could +understand them, there would be no more surprises left for us.'" + + + +"You have a wonderful memory, Johnny," said Peep, "an' I'll be glad to +hear the remainder of your story when the moon sails over the hills +again. I'll be off now, for the sun is rising, and I must be alone +to enjoy myself." + +"God speed you," ses Johnny. "Two is a crowd when a man's feeling +sleepy." + + + + + + +THE VALLEY OF THE DEAD + + +Large dark clouds, lined and fringed with a snowy whiteness, were +floating about in a starry sky, when Padna Dan vacated his chair +by the glowing hearth, where faggots blazed and a kettle sang, and +where his large black dog and small white cat lay asleep and snored +in chorus that made a strange harmony with the crackling of the dried +oak branches in the grate. When he reached the half door, the moon +was hiding behind a rift of cloud; and as he watched it emerge from +its hiding place and sail into a starlit region, he up and said: + +"Sure 'tis myself that's like the moon, with my goings in and my +comings out, and with my exits and my entrances, and the glory that +sometimes does be on my brow and the shadows that at other times +hide my face. Sometimes not a single thing hinders my progress, +from cock-crow to sundown, and other times everything capable of +disturbing a man's peace and quiet confronts me at every turn. But, +nevertheless, I manage to steer clear of all obstacles and evade all +that might upset me in any way, and show a smiling face to the world, +like the moon itself." + +And then he filled a new clay pipe, that came all the way from +France, and was presented to him by his youngest granddaughter, as +a birthday gift, and sauntered along the boreen towards the Valley +of the Dead. And as he wended his lonely way, without looking to +the right or the left, and trampled down the tall grass that the +sleeping cows, and the sleeping sheep, and the sleeping donkeys were +dreaming about,--the very same tall grass that on the morrow they +would greedily feast on,--and as his footfalls startled wandering +rabbits, badgers, hares, and foxes, and they roaming from place to +place at the dead of night, he only thought of the world beyond +the stars and of those who had gone to dwell there. And so eerie +an atmosphere did he create about himself that he might have been +a fairy or an elf without care or sorrow for the past or future, +but a love of the things that be. And not until he reached the top +of a high hill, from which he could see in the moonlight the towering +spires of distant churches, where a red light is always kept burning +before the high altars, did he stand and rest. And he did not sit +down until he found a comfortable seat on a projecting ledge of rock, +overlooking a long winding valley covered with larch and beech trees, +sloe and crabapple, and all kinds of thorny underwood. + +The rising mist, as it spread through the trees along the serpentine +course of the valley, seemed like some fabulous monster devouring all +that came in its way. And as he sat with his feet dangling in the air, +the sound of familiar footsteps caused him to look from the mist to +where the sound came from near by. And lo and behold! whom did he see +but his old friend Micus. And what he said, before Micus had time to +say anything at all, or get over his surprise, was: + +"Well, well, well! Who'd ever think of meeting any one at the dead +of night like this? And the stars themselves nearly hidden by the +dark clouds, that are drifting about in the spacious and likewise +wondrous sky." + +"Sure 'tis disappointed as well as surprised that I am, to find any +one but myself out of doors, and the whole world on its knees, so to +speak, praying for the dead," said Micus. + +"This is All Souls' Night, of course," said Padna. + +"Or the Night of All Souls, if you will," said Micus. "And sure, +'tis we that are the queer creatures entirely, and we that does be +praying for the dead and not caring a traneen about the living, unless, +maybe, when we can take advantage of their decency and generosity." + +"'Tis true, indeed, 'tis true! Though 'tis with shame that I must +admit it. However, don't leave any one hear you saying so but myself," +said Padna. + +"And who would hear me at all?" said Micus. + +"Well, any one of the people who will be marching down the road when +the fairies will go to their homes in the mountains," said Padna. + +"And when will that be?" said Micus. + +"When the clocks will strike the midnight hour," said Padna. "Then +all the dead will arise from their graves, and march along the road +to the Valley of the Dead, beyond, and return from whence they came +before to-morrow's sun will emblazon the east with its dazzling light." + +"I'm surprised at that," said Micus. + +"You should be surprised at nothing," said Padna. "That's if you want +to maintain a solid equanimity. But hold your tongue for a while, +and cast your eye along the valley, and watch the mist gathering on +the furze and sloe trees. And in a minute or two, the moon will come +from behind a cloud, and the most glorious sight that ever met the +gaze of man will unfold itself before you. The mist will soon cover +all the trees, and you will see nothing at all but one long serpentine +trail of vapour, into which all the armies of the dead will plunge +with a wild fury that will make every hair on your head stand on end +and nearly freeze the very marrow in your bones with cold fear." + +"And what's all the hurry about; why won't they take their time?" + +"They can't," said Padna. "From life to death is but a step, and we +must follow some master or be driven by another until the threshold +of eternity is crossed." + +"I hear the clock of some distant church striking the midnight hour." + +"So do I. And I can see the army of the dead approaching!" + +"The devil a one of me can see anything or any one, except a fox +scampering through the boreen beyond, with a water hen in his mouth," +said Micus. + +"Look, look," said Padna, as he pointed with the stem of his +pipe. "There they come: all the people who dwelt on this holy island +since God made the world, and man made mistakes. I can see them +all. There's Brian Boru's army, with Brian himself out in front, and +he holding the golden crucifix the same as he carried it to battle +when he drove the Danes from our shores." + +"I don't see him at all," said Micus. + +"Look, there he is mounted on the black charger that trampled and +crushed to death the valorous invaders who were foolish enough +to come in his way. Look, how he prances and shakes his mane and +sniffs the air. He was the King of all the black horses, and when +he was shot through the heart by an arrow, his spirit flew away to +the world beyond the fleecy clouds, but, as it could never rest, it +came back to earth again, and now dwells in all the black horses of +the world. And they, each and every one, are pledged to avenge the +death of Brian and his war steed. So if ever you see a black horse +on a lonely road or crowded street, with a fiery look in his eye, +keep out of his way unless you love Granuaile, or he will trample +you with his iron hoofs until you are dead." + +"I can see neither horses nor men," persisted Micus. + +"They are all passing into the valley now, and I can see the soldiers +keeping step to the music." + +"What are they playing?" + +"What would they be playing, but Brian Boru's march, of course." + +"I haven't heard a sound." + +"Don't you hear the war pipes and the stamp of the soldiers' feet?" + +"I hear no sound at all." + +"It is most wonderful music. It filled the hearts of the Irish +soldiers with courage, the like of which astonished mankind, and +drove terror into the hearts of the invaders as they ran to the sea +and got drowned. It fills me with courage now, and will instil valour +into every Irish heart until the crack of doom. Don't you hear it yet?" + +"No, I hear nothing." + +"It grows fainter and fainter," said Padna. "The army is now in the +valley but 'twill return when winter gives way to spring, and spring +gives way to summer, and when summer gives way to autumn, and when +All Souls' Night will come again." + +"When the Christmas daisies wither, and when the daffodils and the +bog lilies and the blue-bell and the hyacinth bloom again, and when +the gooseberry and black-currant bushes are laden down with fruit, +and when the green leaves turn to brown and the autumnal breeze +scatters them on the roadside, we may be dead ourselves," said Micus. + +"Hush," said Padna, "here come all the bards and minstrels that +loved poor Granuaile, and sang her praises, on the mountain side, +on the scaffold, behind prison bars, at home and in distant lands. At +morning and at evening, at noon and at night, in early youth and at +the brink of the grave. And sad they all look too," said Padna. + +"The world is a sad place for those who can see sorrow," said +Micus. "Granuaile herself is sad, because for centuries she has lived +in sorrow. She weeps for her own sons and the sons of all nations. She +wakes with a smile in the morning, but when the dark cloak of night +is flung on the world, her eyes are always filled with tears. And +when nobody does be looking, she weeps, and weeps, and weeps!" + +"It is for the sins of men she weeps." + +"And for the contrariness of women." + +"And for the folly of children, whether they be grown up with beards +upon their chins, or in their teens and staying up the nights writing +love letters for their philandering sweethearts to laugh at and show +to their worthless friends so that they may do likewise." + +"Granuaile is the Queen of Beauty." + +"And of valour, and of purity, and of goodness. All her lovers are +coming along the road." + +"Is Parnell there?" + +"Of course, he's there. And he with a look of melancholy on him that +would melt a stone to tears." + +"'Twas Granuaile broke his heart." + +"Granuaile would break any one's heart." + +"Poor Parnell hated England." + +"But he loved Ireland! And never forgot her wherever he travelled." + +"The Irish are the great travellers, and it would seem indeed that +the world itself is too small for them. Who else do you see?" + +"I see St. Patrick himself, and all the holy bishops, and they looking +as respectable, and as contented and as prosperous as ever." + +"'Twas they that saved us from Paganism." + +"That's so. But 'twas religion that kept Granuaile poor." + +"'Tis as well, maybe. Who'd be rich and with power enough to cripple +Christianity, like others, just for the sake of saying that one race +or one country was better than another?" + +"Man will never get real sense." + +"Not until he loses his pride." + +"And his arrogance and his selfishness." + +"What are you looking at now?" + +"I'm not looking at anything in particular, but watching to see my +great, great, great grandaunt Helen of Aughrim." + +"Who was she?" + +"She was the most beautiful of all womankind." + +"Maybe she passed by unknownst to you." + +"She has not passed yet. I could recognise her by her queenly +gait. They say she was the most beautiful woman that ever lived and +had as may lovers as Granuaile herself." + +"And whom did she marry?" + +"No one at all." + +"And what is her story then?" + +"Listen, and I'll tell you." + +"I'll listen," said Micus. + +"As I have already told you, for beauty and elegance there was never +the likes of Helen of Aughrim, and though every one who laid eyes on +her fell in love, she never fell in love with any one at all." + +"And who did she like best of the lot?" + +"Maurice the Rover. And when he was a young man of three sevens, +he up and ses to her: 'Helen' ses he, 'will you marry me?' But she +said she would wed no man, and told him to search the whole wide +world for some one more beautiful. So he sailed away that very hour, +and for seven years he travelled, and travelled, and travelled, up +hill and down dale, but could find no one more beautiful. And then he +returned and told her his story. But all she said when she heard it, +was: 'Try again,' ses she. And away over the seas he sailed again, and +searched until seven more years had passed away, and he returned again, +and he said, 'Helen'; but she interrupted and ses: 'I know what you +are going to say,' ses she. 'But all I can say to you, is try again.' + +"And so he came and went every seven years, only to get the same +answer, and the years passed, and his hair turned white, and his eyes +grew dim, and the stateliness of Helen's figure disappeared, and deep +lines were on her brow, and once again, he up and ses: 'Helen,' ses he, +'will you marry me?' And for the first time her eyes filled with tears, +and she ses: 'You are a faithful lover,' ses she, 'and I will marry +you on the morrow.' But when he came on the morrow, she was dead." + +"Is that a true story?" said Micus. + +"Of course, 'tis a true story. I can see them now walking along the +road arm in arm. And 'tis seven years ago since I saw them before, +and 'twill be seven years before I will see them again. But they +will walk along the road to the Valley of the Dead every seven years, +until the stars fall from the sky and time is no more," said Padna. + +"Love is a wonderful thing." + +"A wonderful thing, surely." + +"And a faithful lover is the dearest treasure of all." + +"Without love, there is no life, for its roots are centered in the +heart of God." + +"Without love the world would wither up, and every plant and shrub and +flower would die. And when I die, I hope I will be with my friends." + +"And while I live, I hope that I will be with mine." + +"Friendship is a great thing." + +"Love is greater." + +"What are you waiting here for?" + +"Nothing at all. The last of the great army has passed into the Valley, +and I will go home and pray for the dead," said Padna. + +"And I will go home and pray for the living," said Micus. + +"Good night," said Padna. + +"Good morning, you mean," said Micus. + + + + + + +THE KING OF MONTOBEWLO + + +"I wonder," said Padna Dan to his friend Micus Pat, as they strolled +along a country road together, "if you ever heard the story of the +King of Montobewlo." + +"Who the blazes is or was the King of Montobewlo?" said Micus. + +"The King of Montobewlo was such a man as you only meet once in +a lifetime, and if you will only hold your tongue and keep quiet, +I will tell you all about him," said Padna. + +"I'll hold my tongue, of course," said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "the King of Shonahulu was getting old and cranky, +and the poor devil suffered badly from frost-bite and rheumatics +besides; so he up and ses to Hamando, who was his chief cook and +private secretary: 'Hamando,' ses he, 'I think I must have a change +in my dietary. What have you for dinner to-day?' + +"'I have nothing in the way of dainties,' ses Hamando. 'The last +missionary was boiled with the cabbage yesterday.' + +"'That's too bad,' ses the King. 'There seems to be a great scarcity +of missionaries in these parts lately. I wonder whatsomever can be +the reason at all.' + +"'There must be some reason,' ses Hamando, 'because there is a reason +for everything, even for unreasonable things.' + +"'That's a fact, bedad,' ses the King, as he killed a mosquito on +Hamando's nose with a cudgel, and stretched poor Hamando flat on +the ground. + +"'Wisha,' ses Hamando, as he picked himself up after the unmerciful +clout he got, 'I suppose it must be the way the English people are +learning sense at last and keeping them at home to look after the +suffragettes, or else that England has as much land as she is able +to control.' + +"'I don't think that can be the reason,' ses the King. 'What does it +matter to England whether she can control a place or not, so long as +she owns it. Take Ireland, for instance.' + +"'Yes, bedad,' ses Hamando. 'England can blunder magnificently when +dealing with Irish affairs. And her wonderful stupidity has lost her +not only all the Irish in America, but the Irish in other countries +as well. However, the English are a far-seeing and a very polite +class of people, and that's why they send out pious and well-meaning +missionaries to lay the foundation stones, so to speak, of the Empire +beyond the seas.' + +"'True,' ses the King. 'And 'tis an ill wind that blows nobody good, +as the Devil said when the forty tinkers of Ballinderry were lost at +sea. Nevertheless, there's no one likes the missionaries better than +ourselves, even though I do say so myself.' + +"'Very true, indeed,' ses Hamando. + +"'By the way,' ses the King, 'was the last one we had for dinner a +Scotchman or a Welshman?' + +"'I don't know,' ses Hamando. 'He spoke like a Yorkshireman, but he +tasted like a Dutchman.' + +"'I'm tired of foreigners like the Dutch,' ses the King, 'and I +wouldn't mind having an Irishman for dinner to-day if you could +secure one.' + +"'I don't believe there's an Irishman to be had for love, money, +or an argument,' ses Hamando. + +"'Nonsense, man,' ses the King. 'Do you think 'tis in Jupiter or Mars +you are? There's only one place where you can't find an Irishman, +and you'd find one there too, only the Devil likes to have his own +way in all matters. But no more old palaver, and search my dominions +at once, and if you can't find an Irishman, I'll make vegetarians of +each and every one of my loyal subjects.' + +"'I'll do my best to oblige you,' ses Hamando, and away he went to +the Prince of Massahala, who was also Commander-in-Chief of the Army, +and Secretary for the Colonies, and there and then the Prince gathered +his army of ten hundred thousand men, and searched the mountains, +and the valleys, and the caves and the hills, and the towns and the +villages, but no trace of an Irishman could he find. And when he +returned and told the story of his exploits and adventures to the +King, there was never such ructions on land or sea. The King, who was +never a man of mild disposition, nearly exploded from the sheer dint +of anger, and he up and ses as his eyes bulged out of their sockets: +'Do you mean to tell me that there isn't a single Irishman to be had +in all my dominions?' + +"'We've searched high up and low down, but couldn't find a trace of +one anywhere,' ses the Prince. + +"'Was it the way you were all blindfolded?' ses the King, and he looked +as though he was about to hand them over to the State Executioner, +and order their skins to be sold for making gloves for the ladies of +Paris, Ballingeary, and the United States. + +"'Are there any Jews within the borders of my territory?' ses he. + +"'There are two Jews for every fool in the community,' ses the Prince. + +"'Well, then,' ses the King, 'there must be an Irishman about +somewhere. And I'm thinking there is a leak in your memory, or else +your education was sorely neglected. You should know at this hour +of your life, if you know anything at all, that the Irish race was +destined by Providence to make things easy for mankind in general, +but the Jews in particular.' + +"When the Prince heard this, he told his men to get ready for the +road, and he marched at the head of his army to where the Jews were +located, and sure enough, there he found the one and only Irishman in +the whole country, and he brought him before the King. And when the +King laid his optics on him, he up and ses: 'Holy smoke and tailors' +trimmings,' ses he, 'where did you bring that red head from?' + +"'Oh,' ses the Irishman, 'I never even asked myself that question, +but I dare say I must have brought it from Denmark.' + +"'From Denmark?' ses the King with surprise. + +"'Yes,' ses the Irishman; ''twas my great-grandfather's +great-grandfather's great-grandfather's father who killed Brian Boru +at the Battle of Clontarf.' + +"'Is that a fact?' ses the King. + +"''Tis a solid fact,' ses Cormac McDermot, for that was his name. + +"'Well, be the seven pipers of Ballymacthomas,' ses the King, 'that +bates Bannagher. The man who killed Brian Boru was no slaumeen, by +all accounts. And I like nothing better, when my day's work is done, +than to read the exploits of Brian, and his compatriots the Knights +of the Red Branch, for herself and the children.' + +"'Are you fond of reading?' ses Cormac. + +"'There's nothing gives me more pleasure,' ses the King, 'except +teaching my chef to cook a Scotchman, and 'tis as hard to catch as +'tis to cook one.' + +"'I have heard of a Scotchman who was caught one time,' ses Cormac. + +"'When he was dead, I suppose,' ses the King. + +"'Yes,' ses Cormac. + +"'The time is flying, and a man gets hungry, and angry likewise, +and there you are gabbing away, and myself waiting for dinner for the +last three hours, and you showing no consideration for me at all. What +way would you like to be cooked?' ses the King. 'You must be killed +first, of course, though sometimes we does the cooking and the killing +together, without as much as wasting a word about it. Howsomever, +I am always lenient to the Irish, for I have an English strain in my +temperament, and that's why I am giving you your choice in the matter +of cooking.' + +"'Well, bedad, to tell the truth, I'm not a bit particular about the +cooking, but I am a trifle concerned about the killing. And before +you will send me to my grave, I would like your Majesty to grant me +one request,' ses Cormac. + +"'And what's that?' ses the King, as he looked at his watch, for he +was getting hungry and impatient. + +"''Tis that I will be allowed to sing my swan song, so to speak, +before I will die.' + +"'Sing away to your heart's content,' ses the King. And the words +were no sooner spoken than Cormac commenced to sing 'The Valley Lay +Smiling Before Me,' and when he finished the last verse, there wasn't +a dry handkerchief in the multitude that gathered around. + +"'Bedad,' ses the King, 'that was well sung, and we'll have "The Bard +of Armagh," now, if you please. 'Twas my poor mother's favourite song.' + +"And when Cormac finished, the King shook hands with him and thanked +him for his singing and in the same breath said 'good-by' as he was in +a hurry to have him cooked for supper. Well, there wasn't much of the +fool about Cormac, so he up and ses to the King: 'If I am causing your +Majesty any inconvenience, I am sorry, but as one good turn deserves +another, I think it is only fair to tell you that whoever eats even +the smallest piece of myself, either raw or cooked, will immediately +be turned into a tombstone like you'd see at Monasterboice. And after +four-and-twenty hours, shamrocks will sprout on them, and then a great +wind will spring up and scatter the leaves of the shamrock all over +your territory, and whenever a leaf will fall on any of your subjects, +they will be instantly turned into Irishmen, and then may the Lord +have mercy on the foreigners.' + +"'Is it the truth you are telling, you foxy rascal?' ses the King, +and he looks very uneasy too. + +"'If you don't believe me, why don't you kill me and find out?' ses +Cormac. 'I'm nearly tired of living anyway.' + +"The King got the fright of his life when he heard what Cormac said, +and never another word did he utter about the killing or the cooking +either, but ses he, when he recovered: 'Give us another song,' ses +he, and then and there Cormac started 'Then You'll Remember Me,' +and the King was so much impressed that he told Hamando to fetch some +tea, biscuits, and missionary sandwiches, for he thought Cormac was +looking fatigued. And when Cormac ate the biscuits, drank the tea, +but refused the sandwiches, because it was Friday, he thanked the King +for his thoughtfulness, and said that he was glad to see His Majesty +upholding the true Christian principles by treating his enemies +with such consideration. 'Anyway,' ses he, ''tis always good policy +to be on friendly terms with your enemies, or those who are likely +to become your enemies. But always beware of diplomats,' ses he, +'because diplomacy is only a wolf in sheep's clothing.' + +"'That's so,' ses the King, as he sharpened a pencil and drew a map of +his dominions. 'Now,' ses he, 'I'm going to make you a little present,' +and there and then he cut off three-fourths of his country and gave +it to Cormac. 'You can plant a hedge of skeeory bushes to divide +our lands, and I will now make you King of Montobewlo, in presence +of Hamando and myself. And I'll appoint you General Inspector of +Cruelty to Animals, Children, and Insects besides. But,' ses he, +'it is absolutely necessary that you should become a real black man +first, so you might as well strip off now, and have yourself washed in +Injun ink, and you can send your old clothes to the King of Portugal, +because he is out of a job at present, and it may be a long time +before he gets one.' + +"'I'll be only too pleased to send him my old clothes,' ses Cormac, +'because 'tis only right that kings should help each other, and have +benefit societies like the bricklayers, and the market gardeners.' + +"Well, when Cormac was washed in a tub of Injun ink, he was the +purtiest-looking black man that ever was seen. And when his innumerable +subjects saw his bulging muscles and red head, they were so impressed +that some of them died of shock, but Cormac, like the decent man he +was, had them all buried with military honours. His coronation was the +grandest affair that ever was, and when the ceremony was all over, +the King up and ses to him: 'Cormac, King of Montobewlo,' ses he, +'how many wives do you want? Three hundred or three thousand?' + +"'Ten thousand thanks for your kind offer,' ses Cormac, 'but for the +good of my nerves, and my people in general, I think I'll remain +a bachelor. Of course,' ses he, 'wives are only women anyway, and +where there are women there is jealousy, and where there's jealousy +there is trouble. Women,' ses he, 'are all right to look at, but they +are best when left alone. It will give me all I can do to look after +the affairs of state, without bothering or trying to find out which +of my wives might be telling the truth. But nevertheless,' ses he, +as he took a scissors and clipped several slips of his red locks, +'you can distribute these among the ladies as a token of my regards +and friendship. And now,' ses he, 'to show I harbour no ill feelings, +if you want any more, I will be only too delighted to give what I +can spare for planting on any of my subjects with bald heads.' + +"And so the days and the years slipped away, until he got as fat as +a cow in clover from eating whales, elephants, and cockroaches. Then +great wisdom came upon him, and he up and ses to the King one day, +after they searched the whole country for a Jew, and couldn't find one, +for they all emigrated to the United States to look after the Irish: +'Economy,' ses he, 'is one of the fundamental principles of good +government, and that being so, let us put it into practice. We are +getting old,' ses he, 'and the missionaries come here no longer. And +we have eaten all the produce of the land in the way of live stock, +but nevertheless our subjects must be provided for. Now,' ses he, +'I propose that all over fifty years of age should be killed, boiled +or roasted, as the case may be, according to law, for the maintenance, +sustenance, and nourishment of the others. Anybody over fifty years, +unless he be a policeman or a king, isn't much good constitutionally or +otherwise; and as all our subjects are the property of the government, +there is no reason why we shouldn't do what we like with them.' + +"'Of course, we can do what we please with them, and I think you +deserve a raise in your wages for conceiving such a wonderful idea,' +ses the King. 'Not only would we do our people a great justice by +providing them with the very best kind of victuals, but we would save +them funeral expenses besides.' + +"'That's so,' ses Cormac, 'and any true philosopher must know that +'tis better that we should eat each other than that the worms should +eat us. Anyway,' ses he, ''twill be all the same in a hundred years, +as the Duke of Argyle said to the Leprechaun.' + +"Well, the new law was duly enforced, and the age limit reduced to +suit circumstances, and in less than ten years there wasn't any one +left but Cormac and the King." + +"Bedad, that's a strange story," said Micus. "I knew that an Irishman +could become anything from a poet to a policeman, but I never heard +of one becoming a cannibal before." + +"Cormac didn't become a cannibal at all," said Padna. + +"And how did he escape?" said Micus. + +"He escaped by becoming a vegetarian the very day the law came into +force," said Padna. "He just wanted to go home to Ireland, and he +was afraid he'd have an uneasy conscience, if any of his subjects +were left exposed to the dangers of a foreign country, and that was +how he secured peace of mind before shaking the dust of Montobewlo +off his heels." + +"And what happened to the King?" asked Micus. + +"As he was seeing Cormac off by the good ship Ennisferric that was +bound for Cork's fair city, he slipped off the gangway, and when they +went to look for him, they could only find a crocodile in the throes +of indigestion," said Padna. + + + + + + +THE DILEMMA OF MATTY THE GOAT + + +"God bless all here," said Padna, as he pushed open the half-door, +and saw Micus sitting by the fireside, reading the newspaper. + +"And you too," said Micus, as he turned around and beheld his old +friend. + +"'Tis a cold night," said Padna. + +"A blighting night surely," said Micus. "The wind is coming from the +southwest, and we will have rain before morning." + +"Indeed we will, as sure as there are fools in Paris," said Padna. + +"Why don't you come in?" asked Micus. "Surely you know your way to +the hearth?" + +"If I don't, I ought," said Padna, as he walked in, closed the door, +and occupied a vacant chair beside Micus. + +"What brought you out to-night, at all?" said Micus. + +"Wisha, nothing in particular, except that I have a story to tell you," +replied Padna. + +"I'm glad to hear that," said Micus, as he placed some faggots and +turf on the fire. "Draw closer and get the benefit of the heat, +and you will feel better while you are telling the story." + +"Thank you," said Padna, as he moved his chair, and then he lit his +pipe with one of the paper pipe-lights that lay on the mantel shelf. + +"Is it a story of love or adventure that I am about to hear?" asked +Micus. + +"'Tis a story of both," said Padna. + +"Begin then," said Micus. + +"All right," said Padna. And this is what he told: + + + +"Once upon a time, and not very long ago either, there lived a +man, a friend of mine, and known to all as one Matty the Goat from +Ballydineen. He wasn't much to look at, God help us! but he was a +remarkable man, nevertheless. He always tried to live in peace and +quietness, but he had two wives, and--" + +"How could he have two wives in an old-fashioned country like this, +might I ask?" said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "his first wife had a bad memory, and she forgot +she was married, and one fine day she went away to Australia to see the +kangaroos, and remained away so long that Matty thought she was dead, +or captured by some traveling showman, to be exhibited in a circus, +because she was so ugly and bad-tempered, no one else would think of +running away with her. So like all men of susceptible and sentimental +propensities, his affection for his first love only lasted until he +met the second. Of course, when the years passed, and there were no +tidings of his wife, he said to himself that he might as well marry +again, and accordingly he did so. Well, lo and behold! he was only +about twelve months married, and his second wife was beginning to cut +down his rations from three boiled duck eggs every morning to one small +hen egg that a wren would be ashamed to lay, when a great calamity +befell him. His first wife came back, and she less attractive looking +than ever. But to be sure she made all the excuses and apologies, +as only a woman can, for her lapse of memory and thoughtlessness, +and there and then she abused poor Matty for not writing to her and +sending cards at Christmas and Easter, and he not knowing where to +find her at all, no more than a crow could find his grandmother. But +to make a long story as short as a bulldog's temper, poor Matty nearly +lost his senses between his two wives, and one only more unreasonable +than the other, and the two together less reasonable than any ordinary +person, who would have no sense at all. 'So,' ses Matty to himself, +'what, in the name of all that's ridiculous, am I to do now? If I'll +stay here in the town, I'll be arrested and imprisoned for having two +wives, but that itself would be better than trying to please either +one or the other, not to mention both. And if I'll run away I'll be +arrested for deserting them. And if either the law of the land, or +my conscience had no power over me, and I tried to live with both, +I'd be as mad as a March hare in less than a month. Anyway, 'tis a +clear case of being obliterated by circumstances over which one has +no control. That's the last consolation a man always offers himself +when he cannot get out of a difficulty. There is but one thing for +me to do now, and that is to commit suicide by ending my life.' + +"And when he made that decision he came to me and ses: 'Padna,' ses he, +'I have made up my mind to take the shortest cut to the other world.' + +"'Wisha, I don't believe a word of it,' ses I. 'People who have +pluck enough to commit suicide usually have too much pride to boast +of it beforehand.' + +"'Well, you can't boast or talk of it afterwards,' ses he. + +"'That's true, too,' ses I. 'But when is the event going to come off?' + +"'I can't say for certain,' ses he. 'But 'twill be as soon as ever +I can make up my mind whether New York or Boston would be the best +place for me to end my days, and maybe 'tis yourself that could give +advice, and tell me what to do.' + +"'Bedad,' ses I, 'giving advice is oftentimes as foolish as taking +it. However, that's too weighty a problem for a poor man like +myself. You must consult some one with more sense. But if I were you, +I'd see the King of Spain himself about the matter. He is the one +man who I think can help you.' + +"'That's a great idea,' ses he. And with that he bid me 'Good day,' +and on the morrow he set sail in a full-rigged ship for the sunny +land of Spain. And when he reached the Royal Palace, and rang the +bell, the King himself opened the door, and he dressed in a smoking +cap, and puffing away from a clay pipe that his mother brought from +Bantry when she was there for the good of her manners. And before he +asked Matty who he was, how he was, or what he wanted, he up and ses: +'Have you a match?' ses he. + +"'To be sure I have a match,' ses Matty. And there and then, he struck +a match on the heel of his shoe and lit the King's pipe. And when the +King thanked him for his kindness, and complimented him on his skill, +then ses he: 'Who the blazes are you anyway to disturb a decent man +after a hard day's work? I ate no less than five dinners this blessed +day and as many more breakfasts, not to mention all the tobacco that +I smoked besides, since I got out of bed this morning.' + +"'Oh,' ses Matty, 'I am one Matty the Goat. My father kept a tailor's +shop at the corner of a street in Ballydineen; I have two brothers +policemen in the great United States of America; I have a first +cousin married to a schoolmaster in the north of Antrim; five of my +ancestors died from the whooping cough, and one of my grandaunts fell +down-stairs and broke her neck; my--' + +"'Enough!' ses the King. 'Wait there till I get my autograph book.' And +with that he ran up-stairs, and when he came back he handed Matty a +mighty book all bound in green plush and ses: 'Matty of Ballydineen,' +ses he, 'put your name down there beside the names of the Emperor of +Japan and the King of the Killavullen Islands.' + +"And when his name was written, the King rang for the Queen and all the +children, and in a twinkling they appeared, and they dressed as well as +any of the young ladies you'd see selling knick-knacks behind a counter +in one of the shops of the big cities. And as they gathered around +the King, he up and ses with a solemn voice: 'Ladies and gentlemen,' +ses he, 'allow me to have the pleasure of presenting to you a member +of the Ballydineen aristocracy, one Matty the Goat.' And when the +ceremony of introduction was all over, he sent them up-stairs to get +their autograph books, so that Matty could contribute his signature to +the long list of celebrities and distinguished personages. The Queen +herself was delighted with him entirely, and the King invited him to +his private room. And when they were comfortably seated before a good +warm fire, he up and ses: 'What in the name of all the cockroaches +in Carrigmacross brought you here, anyway?' + +"'A very serious matter, indeed,' ses Matty. 'I came to look for +advice. I am a man with no less than two wives, and--' + +"'Don't tell me any more till I give you a drop of the best whiskey,' +ses the King. And with that he filled a glass for Matty and another for +himself, and ses: 'There is only one worse thing that could happen +a man, and that is to have three wives, or half a dozen foolish +sisters-in-law.' + +"'Well,' ses Matty, 'I am about to commit suicide, and the devil +blast the one of me can make up my mind whether Boston or New York +would be the best place to hang my carcass to a lamp-post, jump off a +high building, or throw myself under a motor car going at full speed.' + +"'Bedad,' ses the King, 'that's something that requires +consideration. But let us talk the matter over. Two heads, like two +dollars, are better than one, and 'twas by talking and thinking, and +holding commune with each other that the Greeks achieved so much in the +olden times. We will take the case of Boston first. Boston I believe +is a great place and 'tis called the Hub of the Universe. Isn't it?' + +"'It is, God help us!' ses Matty. + +"'I wonder why at all?' ses the King. + +"'I don't think that any one really knows,' ses Matty, 'unless that +it is as good a title as any other, and maybe somewhat better.' + +"'If that's the case,' ses the King, 'now's the chance for some one +to make a discovery. + +"'A man, I presume,' ses he, 'could live very comfortably in Boston +if he had a lot of money.' + +"'Indeed, he could,' ses Matty, 'and live there without any money, if +he was lucky enough to be a dethroned monarch of some kind or other, +or the inventor of a new religion.' + +"'The invention of new religions,' ses the King, 'doesn't seem to +beget a spirit of communism, nor does it seem to bring us any nearer +Christianity in its ideal state. All the same, I suppose a large city +like Boston must have a mayor to look after himself and his people.' + +"'Of course, Boston has a mayor and an ex-mayor too,' ses Matty. + +"'Bedad,' ses the King, 'as sure as there are bones in a sprat, that +must be the reason why 'tis called the Hub. And I dare say,' ses he, +'they must have poets in Boston also.' + +"'They have,' ses Matty, 'in the churchyards.' + +"'That's the best place for them,' ses the King. 'They will be more +respected and appreciated there than anywhere else. Besides, 'tis +wiser, cheaper, and more cultured to patronize poets and philosophers +when they are dead and famous, than to run the risk of being ridiculed +for having the wit to recognise them while they are alive. A poet, +God help us, seldom does any good for himself, but nevertheless he +can always be an advantage to posterity, his relations, and the +booksellers, after he is dead long enough to be misunderstood,' +ses the King. + +"''Tis the devil of a thing to be poor,' ses Matty. + +"'Not at all, man,' ses the King. 'Poverty, as the Cardinal said to +the Hibernians, is a gift of God.' + +"'A gift of God?' + +"'Yes.' + +"'Well, then, 'tisn't much of a gift,' ses Matty. + +"'No,' ses the King, 'you wouldn't think of comparing it to the gift +of stupidity, which is the greatest of all gifts, especially when +'tis accompanied by an optimism that nothing could disturb but the +gift of poverty itself.' + +"'But be all that as it may,' ses Matty, 'no one should give anything +away for nothing without making sure that they are going to get +something for it.' + +"'Well, if that wouldn't make an optimist of a man, nothing would,' +ses the King. + +"'What is an optimist?' ses Matty. + +"'An optimist,' ses the King, 'is a pessimist who has acquired the +art of self-deception.' + +"'And what is a pessimist then?' ses Matty. + +"'Oh,' ses the King, 'a pessimist is one who has got tired of being +an optimist. And now,' ses he, 'maybe you could tell me what is the +difference between an Irishman and an Irish-American?' + +"'An Irishman,' ses Matty, 'by reason of the fact that he was born in +Ireland and the product of an older civilization thinks he is a better +Irishman than the Irish-American; and the Irish-American by reason +of the fact that he was born an American and the product of a younger +civilization, thinks he is a better German than an Irish-Irishman.' + +"'If that is the case,' ses the King, 'I wouldn't advise you to +commit suicide in Boston, because there are too many Irish-Americans +there. And by all accounts the devil a bit they know or care about the +Irish, no more than the English themselves. Now let us consider New +York. What is the difference between New York and Boston, I wonder?' + +"'There are more tall hats and silk neckties in New York,' ses +Matty. 'And a native genius could go to his grave undiscovered there +as easily as he could in Boston, while the patrons of art and men of +letters would be feasting and entertaining foreign celebrities who +don't give a traneen about them.' + +"''Tis a queer world,' ses the King. 'And sure 'tis a genius you +are yourself, and if I were you, I wouldn't commit suicide in either +place. Personally, I think Madrid would be as good as any. Howsomever,' +ses he, 'I will ask my Lord High Chancellor and his Court of Learned +Men about the matter, and if they can't decide between now and +to-morrow morning, I will have them all hanged, drawn, and quartered, +and advertise for a more efficient staff of attendants.' + +"'Bedad, you're a gentleman,' ses Matty, 'and I'm glad to know that +you don't show any leniency to your subordinates, because the instant +you do so, they begin to think they are as good, as bad, or even +worse than yourself, as the case may be.' + +"'Treat all those above and beneath you with as little consideration +as possible, and you will always be sure of respect,' ses the King. + +"'There is nothing like being a fool when you have to deal with foolish +people, and to behave sensibly under such circumstances would only +break a man's heart.' + +"'I notice that you are talking hoarse,' ses the King. 'Is it the +way that you have a cold?' + +"''Tis a bad cold I have then,' ses Matty. 'And I'm afraid of my life +that I may die before I will commit suicide.' + +"'That would never do,' ses the King. And then and there he rang for +the Queen, and told her to bathe Matty's feet in a tub of hot water, +with plenty of mustard in it. And when the Queen had finished drying +his toes, the King ordered a good glass of rum for him and ses: 'Matty +of Ballydineen,' ses he, 'take this little toothful of sailor's coffee, +and bury yourself under the blankets as quick as you can.' + +"'Thank you, ever so much,' ses Matty, 'but where am I to sleep?' + +"'You will sleep with me, of course,' ses the King. ''Twould never +do if anything were to happen to you at such a critical time in +your life.' + +"So Matty slept with the King of Spain that night, but about two in +the morning the King woke Matty with his snoring. Well, that was more +than Matty could stand, and he lost his temper and gave the King a poke +in the ribs with the heel of his fist, as he ses: 'What the blazes do +you mean by depriving a decent man of his sleep like this for?' ses he. + +"'Wisha, was it the way I was snoring again?' ses the King. + +"'Why, I thought the last day had come, with the noise you were making +with that trumpet of a nose of yours,' ses Matty. + +"'That's too bad,' ses the King. 'I'll keep awake for the remainder +of the night lest I might disturb you again.' And then they started +talking about old times and the price of potatoes, ladies' hats, and +fancy petticoats. But suddenly the King changed the subject, and ses: +'Tell me,' ses he, 'are the schoolmasters as ignorant, as conceited, +and as pompous as ever?' + +"''Tis only worse they are getting,' ses Matty, 'notwithstanding the +cheapness of literature and free education.' + +"'I am sorry to hear that,' ses the King. And so they discussed +everything under the sun from bird-catching to cock-fighting until +morning came. And when they were called for breakfast, they rushed +to the dining-room, and found the Queen and all the children seated +around the table waiting for their bacon and eggs to be fried. The +King, of course, was duly impressed, and as he sat down, and placed +the newspaper in front of the sugar bowl to get a better view of it, +he up and ses to the Queen: 'Good morning, ma'am,' ses he. 'What's +the good word?' + +"'The Lord High Chancellor and all his staff could not decide +whether New York or Boston would be the best place for our worthy and +distinguished guest to commit suicide, so they all hanged themselves +during the night to save you the trouble of having it done to-day.' + +"'Well,' ses the King to Matty, 'isn't it a great thing to have men +in your employment who can show so much respect for yourself and such +consideration for your feelings?' + +"''Tis always a great pleasure, to get others to do what you wouldn't +do yourself,' ses Matty. + +"Then the King turned to the Queen and ses: 'They were good faithful +servants, but like all of their kind they thought too little about +themselves, and too much about those they tried to serve. The man who +doesn't consider himself first in all things deserves to be considered +last by everybody. Howsomever, they deserved to be buried anyway, +so give orders to have them all cut down and sent home to their own +people. They have the best right to them, now that they are no more +use to any one else. But keep their old clothes and send them to the +Salvation Army. 'Tis better, indeed, that the poor should have their +overcoats and nightshirts than the moths to eat them.' + +"'Of course,' ses Matty, ''tis an ill wind that blows nobody good, +but nevertheless, I am as badly off as ever, without one to advise +me or to tell me what to do.' + +"'Well,' ses the King, 'strictly speaking, when a man doesn't know +what to do himself, the devil a much another can do for him. There +is nothing cheaper than advice, and oftentimes nothing dearer, that +is, if you are foolish enough to take it from everybody. Looking +for advice is only a form of diversion with most people, because +we all do what we please in the end. And now, between ourselves,' +ses he, 'once a man makes up his mind to marry the wrong woman, all +the advice in the world won't save him. And once a man is married, +he is no longer his own property. I have done my best for you,' ses +the King, 'but the world is full of people who can do as little as +myself. Howsomever, I will give you a letter of introduction to my +friend the President of the United States, as you are on your way to +America, and he may be able to help you.' + +"'Thank you very much,' ses Matty. 'I have already been in America, +and I have had as many letters of introduction as would paper the +house for you, but they were no more use to me than they were to +Columbus. No more use, I might say, than a fur-lined coat and a pair +of warm gloves would be to the Devil himself. But I am none the less +grateful for your kindness.' + +"'I am glad you are able to appreciate kindness,' ses the +King. 'Because very few people know when they are well treated, +or when they are well off.' + +"'That's a fact,' ses Matty. 'But 'tis the spirit of discontent that +keeps the world moving. The man who is satisfied with himself usually +proves unsatisfactory to every one else.' + +"'But,' ses the King, 'when a man has the gift of being able to please +himself, what does it matter, if he displeases every one else? 'Tis +nice, of course, to have a lot of friends, but a man's friends very +often can cause him more annoyance than his enemies, and he must endure +it to prove his inconsistency. Whereas in the case of an enemy, you can +always lose your self-respect by abusing him when you are displeased +with his success, and no one will think anything the less of you.' + +"''Tis only by making allowances and excuses for each other's +short-comings and idiosyncracies that we are able to live at all. And +if we could see the good in the worst of us as easily as we can see +the bad in the best of us, we might think less of ourselves and more +of those we despise. 'Tis only by being better than those who are +worse than us that we can respect ourselves, I'm thinking,' ses Matty. + +"'Well,' ses the King, 'what the devil a man with as much sense as +yourself wants committing suicide for is more than I can understand!' + +"'Maybe 'tis as well,' ses Matty. 'The less we know about each other, +the happier we can be. Nearly every one of us has some disease of the +mind or body that shortens our natural existence. Some suffer from +too much conceit, others from a shaky heart, or a loose brain caused +by a nagging wife, or too much hard work and not enough to eat, and +various other causes, but there is always a reason for everything, +even the unreasonableness of those who have no reason at all.' + +"'Old talk, like this,' ses the King, 'leads nowhere, because no +matter how much we may know about art, literature, and music, the very +best of us can only be reasonable and sensible when we have nothing +to upset us. A hungry man is always angry, and an angry man is never +sensible. On the other hand, a man will make a lot of foolish promises +and resolutions after a good dinner, and when he begins to get hungry +again he will think that he was a fool for having entertained such +decent sentiments.' + +"'In a word,' ses Matty, 'selfishness is the normal condition of +every one. Some are selfish by being decent, and others by being mean, +but strictly speaking, there is very little difference between them, +because we all please ourselves, no matter what we do.' + +"'I know we do,' ses the King, 'and that's why we incur the displeasure +of others. But as we are beginning to get involved and going back to +where we started like those who discuss, but can't understand theology, +or like the bird who flies away in the morning, only to return to its +nest at the fall of night, I think we had better finish, now that we +have ended, so to speak, and bid each other good-by.' + +"'Surely,' ses Matty, ''tisn't the way that you would let me out of +doors a cold day like this, without a bit of a topcoat to shelter me +from the cold and wind, and I with a touch of the influenza already?' + +"'Well,' ses the King, 'I have had enough of your company, and when we +get tired of those who have either entertained, helped, or distracted +us, we usually find a way of getting rid of them. The greatest mistake +in life is to be too kind to any one. When a woman is getting tired +of her husband, everything he does to please her only causes her +annoyance. But nevertheless, if she has any sense at all, she can't +but respect him for wasting his affection on one not worthy of it.' + +"'But what about the topcoat?' ses Matty. + +"'You'll get it,' ses the King. 'What's the loss of a topcoat, +even though it might be a gift itself, compared to getting rid of a +troublesome companion? Besides, a man who has made up his mind to +commit suicide must be very careful of himself, lest a toothache, +a bad attack of neuralgia, or the 'fluenza might cause him to change +his mind. Many a man changed his mind for less.' + +"So with those few words the King presented Matty with a new overcoat, +and walked with him as far as the garden gate at the end of the Castle +grounds, and then he ses, the same as they always say in America, +'Good-by, and call again some time.' But he did not say when." + +"That seems to be a polite way of telling a person to go to the devil," +said Micus. + +"'Tis," said Padna, "but we might as well be polite when we can. And +sincerity, unless 'tis accompanied by wisdom and discretion, does +more harm than good." + +"The world has suffered as much from sincere fools as it has from +wise scoundrels," said Micus. "But what did Matty do when he took +his leave of the King of Spain?" + +"After that," said Padna, "he set sail for Persia, and called upon +His Majesty the Gaekwar." + +"It was the dead of night when he arrived at the Royal Palace, and +without the least scruple he roused His Imperial Majesty from his +slumbers. And when he put his head out of the window and asked who +was there, Matty up and ses: 'Come down-stairs and open the door and +I'll tell you.' + +"So the Gaekwar came down-stairs in his nightshirt, and when he opened +the door to let Matty in, he ses, as he frothed from the mouth with +the sheer dint of passion: 'Who, in the name of all the conger eels +that are sold as salmon, are you, to bring a decent man from his bed +at this hour of the night?' + +"'I am one Matty the Goat, my father is dead, my grandfather was +a protestant who never got any meat to eat on Fridays, and my +great-grandfather could jump the height of himself before he was +three sevens.' + +"'To hell with your father, your grandfather, and all belonging to +you,' ses the Gaekwar. 'I can't for the life of me understand why +people will bother their friends and acquaintances by retailing the +exploits of their own family every time they get a chance.' + +"'Well,' ses Matty, 'we think more of our own, of course, than they +do about us, and if we didn't praise them, people might think they +were no better than ourselves.' + +"'Most people aren't worth praising or remembering anyway,' ses the +Gaekwar. 'But that is no reason why you should bring me from my warm +bed and have me shaking here like an aspen leaf, and the very stars +themselves shivering with the cold.' + +"'Sure, 'tis myself that's colder than any star, and I, that had to +be out in a raging storm, with wind blowing a hundred miles an hour, +and the rain falling and flooding the streets, and every raindrop +would fill your hat.' + +"'That doesn't interest me in the least,' ses the Gaekwar. 'What I +want to know is what brought you here?' + +"'I want to know whether 'twould be better to commit suicide in New +York or Boston,' ses Matty. + +"'Wisha, ten thousand curses, plus the curse of Cromwell on you, +for a godson of the Devil, for no one else would try to get another +to solve such a problem,' ses he. + +"''Tis the way I must have the Devil for a guardian angel, I'm +thinking,' ses Matty, 'because I am never out of trouble, God help me.' + +"'There are many like you, I am glad to say,' ses the Gaekwar, 'and +we are always pleased to find others worse off than ourselves. 'Tis +the only compensation we have for being either unfortunate or +foolish. Howsomever, come in out of the cold, and we will talk the +matter over. But,' ses he, 'you must excuse the untidy condition +of the house. The painters and plumbers are working here, and if +you know anything at all, you must know what a mess they can make, +especially the plumbers.' + +"'Indeed, I do,' ses Matty. 'But you needn't make any apologies. I am +a man after your own heart and just as humble and maybe as foolish, +if not more so.' + +"'Nevertheless,' ses the Gaekwar, 'I don't believe 'twould ever occur +to me to call on yourself either at the dead of night or the middle +of the broad day.' + +"'I don't believe it would,' ses Matty. + +"'Howsomever,' ses he, 'make yourself comfortable while I'll run +up-stairs, and put on my clothes.' + +"So Matty drew his chair to the fire, and when the Gaekwar returned, +dressed in his new suit and clean collar, Matty ses: 'How is herself +and the children?' + +"'The children are all right, thank God,' ses the Gaekwar, 'but I am +nearly worried to death about herself.' + +"'And what's the matter with her?' ses Matty. + +"'Oh,' ses the Gaekwar, 'I don't know. She seems to be perfectly +happy and contented, and no longer loses her temper, or finds fault +with any body or anything.' + +"'Bedad,' ses Matty, 'that's a bad and a dangerous sign. Why don't +you see a doctor?' + +"'I've seen a dozen doctors, but they all say there is no name for +her complaint. 'Tis some new disease, and there is no mention of it +in the Bible, the modern novel, or the Cornucopia,' ses the Gaekwar. + +"'Pharmacopoeia, you mean, I presume,' ses Matty. + +"'Yes, yes. That's what I mean. You must excuse my ignorance,' ses he, +'because it isn't necessary for me to be as enlightened as the ordinary +poor man who must work for his living. All that's expected of one +like myself is to be able to read the sun-dial, lay a few foundation +stones once 'n a while, review the troops, and eat a lot of good +dinners. And now might I ask how is your wife and family, and what +made you take it into your head to commit suicide?' ses the Gaekwar. + +"'Well,' ses Matty, 'my trouble is just the reverse of yours. You +are upset because your wife is contented and happy, and I am upset +because my wives are discontented and unhappy.' + +"'Your wives!' ses the Gaekwar, with surprise. + +"'Yes,' ses Matty, 'I have two wives.' + +"'Not another word,' ses the Gaekwar, 'until you will have three +glasses of the best whiskey. 'Tis a wonder that you are above ground +at all.' + +"'God knows,' ses Matty, 'life is a terrible thing sometimes.' + +"'Life,' ses the Gaekwar, 'is what other people make it for us. But +even at that we should try and be content, more for our own sake +than anything else. Fretting and worrying never made any one look +young, and nobody would fret or worry at all if they only thought +enough and worked hard enough. Some, you know, believe that we lived +before, and that this life is the reward for our virtues in the other +world. Indeed, some go so far as to say that this may be Heaven, +while others think it must be--' + +"'If that's so,' ses Matty, 'I'm glad I didn't meet some of the +bla'gards I knew before they were born, so to speak.' + +"'I imagine,' ses the Gaekwar, 'that a man with as much sense as you +appear to have wouldn't buy a house without first seeing it.' + +"'Of course not,' ses Matty. + +"'Then what do you want to commit suicide for? That's just like +buying a pig in a bag. You don't know what you are going to get +until after you have made the purchase. Suicide, for all we know, +may be only going from the frying pan into the fire. In a sense, +'tis like exchanging some valuable jewel for a lot of promises. And +'tis my solid belief that none of us know how wicked and foolish we +are until we will get a peep at the Book of Records in the world +to come. The very thought of that should be enough to keep a man +alive forever. If there were as many worlds as there are stars, +or grains of sands, then I might be able to understand why a man +would want to commit suicide, if he was of a roaming disposition, +and wanted to write a book of his travels and adventures. But suppose +there is only one world, and that world may be this world, or there +may be just another world, and that the next, what then? Anyway, I +am surprised at you, an Irishman, not to be able to stand the abuse +of two wives after all your race has suffered both from friends and +enemies alike for generations. And Ireland's would-be friends, in +many ways, have been her worst enemies. However, be that as it may, +I would like to know what you would do if you were like the Sultan +of Sparonica, and he with more wives than you could count in a month +of Sundays. 'Tis always well to keep what you have until you are sure +of getting something better,' ses the Gaekwar. + +"'But,' ses Matty, 'suicide is often the fate of a brave man.' + +"'No, Matty,' ses the Gaekwar, ''tis ever the fate of a foolish +man. Life at its longest is so short that we should all be able to +endure it, even when our plans do not work out to our satisfaction.' + +"'But when a man loses interest in everything, and--' + +"'No man should lose interest in the beautiful things of life. And who +indeed will gainsay that life at its longest is too short, especially +for a man with a grievance like yourself?' + +"'Life is too short to understand women,' ses Matty. + +"''Tis easy enough to understand them,' ses the Gaekwar, 'but 'tisn't +easy to understand why we go to such trouble to please them.' + +"'I'm going to commit suicide rather than try to please them any more,' +ses Matty, 'and if I could discover whether New York or Boston would +be the better place to end my life, I'd be a happy man.' + +"'You might as well die in either place as to jump from the Eiffel +Tower, Blarney Castle, Shandon Steeple, or try to swim over Niagara +Falls,' ses the Gaekwar. + +"''Tis easy to see,' ses Matty, 'that you can't be of any help or +consolation to a man like myself. You have too much common-sense to +pay any attention to a barking dog, so to speak.' + +"'I have, indeed,' ses the Gaekwar. 'You need never muzzle a dog +that barks.' + +"So with that he shook hands with Matty and ses: 'Good-by, God +speed you, long life to you, and may your next trouble be seven +daughters. The more trouble we have the less we think about it, +and a thorn in a man's toe is nothing to a bullet in his head.' + +"After that Matty went to the Czar of all the Russians, and from the +Czar to the King of Greece, and after he had spent years traveling +the world looking, in vain, for advice as to whether New York or +Boston would be the best place to commit suicide, he returned home +and to his great surprise learnt that his two wives had married again." + +"And what happened then?" said Micus. + +"Well, of course, he found he was worse off than ever. He could not +decide where to commit suicide, and his wives, the cause of all his +trouble and entertainment, would never trouble him again. They were too +busy troubling some one else. And lo and behold! the shock stretched +him on the flat of his back, and when the doctor told him that he +had only a month to live, he turned his face to the wall and died." + +"He expected to die of old age, like all would-be suicides, I dare +say," said Micus. + +"Of course he did," said Padna. "He was just one of the many people +whose trouble is their greatest pleasure, and who are never happy +only when they are annoying others with their own affairs." + + + + + + +HAM AND EGGS + + +"Wisha, in the name of all the nonentities that a man meets at a fancy +dress ball, or a lawn tennis party," said Padna to Micus, as he saw +him holding a lantern over a pool of water, on a dark night, at the +crossroads of Carrignamore, "what are you doing, at all, at all?" + +"I'm looking for the moon that was here in the pool, less than an +hour ago, and a more beautiful moon was never seen in any part of +the whole world," said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "if 'twas twice as beautiful, and twice as large, +and the size of a Chinese sunshade inself, you'd have no more chance +of finding it on a dark night like this, than you'd have of finding a +circus at the North Pole, or discovering why women will worry about +their husbands when they stay out late at night, and then abuse the +devil out of them when they come in, even though they had to stay +out through no fault of their own." + +"What you say may be true," said Micus, "but 'tis better a man should +have an interest in astronomy or something else, and go looking for +the moon in a pool of water at the crossroads, than have no interest +in anything at all, except killing time talking about the wars of the +world, or the ways of his neighbours. And sure if a man couldn't find +the moon inself, he might find something else while he'd be looking +for it." + +"Bedad, and that's true enough too! Many a man found happiness when +he went looking for trouble, and many a man found trouble when he +went looking for happiness, and a man often found a friend where he +expected to find an enemy, and found an enemy where he expected to +find a friend," said Padna. + +"In a word, we go through life looking for what we can't find, +and finding what we didn't go to look for. Think of poor Columbus, +and what he found, and he not looking for America, at all. Sure, +that sort of thing would encourage any one to set out on a voyage +of adventure, even though he mightn't know where he'd be going to, +or what he might be doing," said Micus. + +"Talking about findings and losings, and strange happenings in general, +I wonder if you ever heard tell of the bishop who took off his hat +to a poor man," said Padna. + +"I did not, then, and I don't believe a word of it either," said Micus. + +"Oh, bedad, whether you believe it or no, 'tis a fact, then, +nevertheless," said Padna. + +"Well, it must have been a mistake of some kind, or maybe an +accident. 'Tis possible, of course, that His Lordship took off his +hat to leave the air to his head when the poor man was passing, but +I can't imagine that he removed it for any other purpose, unless, +maybe, a wasp, or a fly settled on his bald crown. In that case he +would take off his hat to scratch his head," said Micus. + +"If you don't believe what I'm telling you, there's no use going on +with the story," said Padna. + +"There is not then. But surely," said Micus, "you must have something +else to relate, and I not to lay eyes on you since Monday was a week." + +"I have another story, if you'd like to hear it," said Padna. + +"Of course, I'd like to hear it. What is it all about?" + +"'Tis all about a pig and a clucking hen," said Padna. + +"Let us take the shortest cut home, and I'll listen to the story as +we walk along. And 'tis glad I am that I went looking for the moon, +this blessed night, else I mightn't have found yourself, and I dying +to have a talk with some one," said Micus. + + + +"Well," said Padna, as he sauntered leisurely along with his +friend Micus, who kept swinging a lantern, "on my way home from +market yesterday evening, as the sun was sinking behind the hills, +I strolled along the road that leads to Five Mile Bridge, and I +felt so tired after the journey from Cork to Ballinabearna that I was +compelled to say to myself: 'Padna,' ses I, 'why the devil don't you be +sensible once in a while, and take a rest for yourself when you feel +tired? What's the use in wearing yourself out, and causing yourself +unnecessary pain and torture, when in a few short years you will be as +dead as decency, or disinterested kindness, which is no less than one +and the same thing. And once you are dead, you are dead for ever and +ever, and no one will bother their heads about you, or care whether +you lived or not, or just existed, by trying to please every one but +yourself. The man who tries to please everybody,' ses I to myself, +'won't live half as long as one of the aristocracy, who don't care +where the money comes from so long as he has it to spend.' And when +all that was said, I then up and ses: 'Padna,' ses I, 'that's good +sound advice, and don't forget what I have told you.' And then and +there I made one jump and landed on top of a ditch, and as I looked +over my shoulder into the field behind, what did I see but a pig and +a clucking hen, and they exchanging salutations. And then they began +to talk and this is what I heard: + +"'Good evening,' ses the pig. + +"'Good evening kindly and good luck. How are you feeling to-day?' ses +the hen. + +"'Just about the same as ever,' ses the pig. 'Sure, 'tis a sad world +for us all!' + +"''Tis, God help us!' ses the hen. 'But don't start me crying again, +this sorrowful day, for 'tis myself who has shed a bucketful of tears, +since my poor grandmother was choked this morning.' + +"'I wouldn't be crying about that, if I were you,' ses the pig. 'Sure, +'tis as good to be choked as to have your head cut off with a rusty +knife.' + +"''Tisn't about that in particular that I have fumed and worried, +and wept so copiously,' ses the hen. + +"'And about what then?' ses the pig. + +"'About everything in general. The ingratitude of man, the presumption +and assumption of women, and the consumption of ham and eggs,' ses +the hen. + +"'Ah, wisha, God knows,' ses the pig, 'you couldn't waste your tears +over a more worthy and likewise unworthy object. And like the pessimist +that I am, myself, 'tis but little respect that I have for man or +woman either. Only for the fact that I have still some pride left, +and wouldn't like to disgrace my own family, I'd end my miserable +existence by committing suicide, and drown myself in the horse pond.' + +"'If you were to do the likes of that, you would sin against tradition, +and only be sold as sausages. Whereas, if you were to die a natural +death by strangulation, amputation of the head, or bisection of the +windpipe, you would be sent to the best butcher's shop in the town, +and the different parts of your anatomy would be sold at the very +highest rates, the same as all your family, relations and ancestors,' +ses the hen. + +"'Don't mention my family or my ancestors to me. They were all +snobs, each and every one of them,--father, mother, sisters, and +brothers. 'Twas little respect they ever had for myself, and always +said that I was only fit to be used for sausages, anyway. As though, +indeed, I didn't come of as good a stock as the best of them.' + +"'I often heard that you came of very respectable people,' ses the hen. + +"'Respectable isn't the name for them belonging to me. There were +gentry, and no less, in our family.' + +"'Is that so?' ses the hen. + +"'Yes, indeed, it is,' ses the pig. ''Twas a piece of my +great-great-great-great-grandfather's great-grandfather that gave +Napoleon indigestion before Waterloo. And that's how he lost the day +by giving wrong orders to his generals,' ses the pig. + +"'And 'twas from eating a bad egg,' ses the hen, 'that King George got +the hiccoughs, and fell from his horse while reviewing his troops in +France. And that's how he won the Victoria Cross and got a rise of two +and tuppence a week in his wages. Howsomever, be that as it may, 'tis a +pension yourself should have from the German and English Governments, +instead of earning your living by eating yourself to death, so to +speak. An aristocrat of your social standing should be living on some +one else's money, and your time should be divided between sleeping +and eating, like all the other members of the fraternity.' + +"'Oh,' ses the pig, 'my associates and equals wouldn't think of +recognising me, unless I was fully dressed for dinner at some +fashionable hotel or restaurant.' + +"'Fully dressed!' ses the hen. 'With bread crumbs on your hind +quarters, you mean?' + +"'Yes,' ses the pig. + +"'Well,' ses the hen, 'I come of good stock myself. The members of my +family always supplied eggs to the King of Spain, the Mayor of Boston, +and the Royalty of England and America.' + +"'Wisha,' ses the pig, 'what are a few eggs, even when they are fresh +inself, compared to a fine ham, two pork chops, a soft crubeen, or a +flitch of bacon, boiled down with plenty of cabbage, and set before +a battalion of hungry policemen on a cold winter's day?' + +"'Oh,' ses the hen, 'no one would think of eating bacon and cabbage +all the time, while eggs are always in season. But 'tisn't quarreling +about such a trifle that we should be, when we have no great grievance +against ourselves, but against mankind in general.' + +"'The inconsistency of mankind is disgusting, to say the very least +of it,' ses the pig. 'Every one from the king to the beggar has a +bad word to say for the pig. We stand for all that's contemptible, +loathsome and vile, and yet the most delicate and refined people +will always call for ham and eggs, in the morning, in preference to +anything else. And if one of those genteel young men who might have +had my poor grandmother's liver for supper, was to meet myself on the +road, and he with a young lady by his side, and she as fond of ham +and eggs as himself, neither of them would bid me the time of day, +or ask how I might be, or say as much as go to Belgium, or anything +at all, but make disparaging remarks about my idiosyncracies.' + +"'And think of myself,' ses the hen. 'I that have laid more eggs than +you could count in a lifetime, and I have reared five large families, +besides. And the day I can't lay any more, I'll be killed by some +caubogue of a churn boy, and sold to some landlady who boards tramps, +navvies, and all kinds of traveling tinkers. I wouldn't mind inself +if I went to nourish and sustain some decent people, who could +appreciate the tender parts of my constitution. Or if I could be +like my poor father, who was killed with a new razor, stuffed with +bread and currants, roasted on a spit, and exhibited in a shop window +before Christmas.' + +"'Ah! we live in a thoughtless and heartless world!' ses the pig. + +"'I know it,' ses the hen. 'Only about one in every ten thousand has +either the power or the privilege of thinking for themselves.' + +"'Everything seems to go by contrary. Take the decent people,--the +Jews, for instance. They have no respect for the members of my family, +but they are consistent. They wouldn't write their name, or my epitaph, +on my back with a hot poker, and make fun of my table manners, and +then go home and have pork for dinner and say 'twas worth walking to +America for,' ses the pig. + +"'Nevertheless,' ses the hen, 'when I think of what yourself and myself +does for mankind, and the poor return we get, I feel proud to know +that we can be of service to those who don't and can't appreciate us.' + +"'Yes, indeed, and so do I,' ses the pig. 'What would life be to most +people without their ham and eggs every morning, and the newspaper +thrown in. And a cigar never tastes sweeter than after a good feed +of spare ribs and yellow turnips.' + +"'Or even sausages,' ses the hen. + +"'I object to sausages and salt meat in general, because it makes +people cranky and disputatious,' ses the pig. + +"'Of course,' ses the hen, 'there's no doubt but we do a lot of +good, though we have been neglected. And it makes my heart bleed, +when I think of the stupidity of man and his perverted sense of +honour. After all those years of preaching and reform, no poet has +ever written an ode to a hen or a pig, and all the poets liked their +ham and eggs. There was Shakespeare himself,--people thought he forgot +nothing, or what he forgot wasn't worth remembering, but where's the +mention of either hens or pigs in all his highly respected works?' + +"'Tis no wonder there is war in the world to-day,' ses the pig. + +"'Indeed it is not, when married men will spend all their money on +finery for their wives, so that they can look better than they really +are, and elope with other women's husbands. Sure, only for the motherly +instinct that's in myself, I would leave my family of ducklings and +die by my own hand, but I don't want one of them to be neglected and +feel the pangs of adversity, like yourself and myself,' ses the hen. + +"''Tis instinct rather than reason that guides most people. If we +were always to act reasonably, people would think we had no sense, at +all. However, there's a compensation in all things, and we can enjoy +ourselves in our own old way. And while it is a great consolation to +know that we can do a lot of good, it is a greater consolation still +to know that we can do a lot of harm as well,' ses the pig. + +"'Like myself, you share the same sentiments as all good and pious +people. The satisfaction of doing harm is the only enjoyment some +of us receive for doing good, when our kindness is not appreciated,' +ses the hen. + +"'When I think of all those who suffer from dyspepsia after eating my +friends and relations, I ses to myself: "Well, things could be worse +even for such as my humble self. You mightn't have the satisfaction +of knowing that there was such a thing as indigestion." And when I +think of what people must pay for pork chops, in a restaurant after +the theatre at night, and how they must suffer from cramps, pains +in the stomach, and a bursting headache next morning, well then I +feel as happy as a wife when she is abusing her fool of a husband +for giving her too much of her own way,' ses the pig. + +"'And when I consider the little nourishment there is in cold storage +eggs, and the price the poor lodgers must pay their landladies +for them, I feel like dancing a jig on a milestone. And whenever I +hear of some one eating a bad egg, disguised by frying it hard in +margarine, and seasoning it with salt and pepper, I takes a holiday +for myself. Ptomaine poisoning is as good as cramps, or pains in the +head, at any time,' ses the hen. + +"'Of course, when we are really hungry, we don't care what we eat. I +have eaten pieces of my relatives and friends dozen of times, when +they were mixed with my food, but to tell the truth it never gave me +any trouble. And in many respects I am no better and no worse than +those who don't care how they make their living, so long as they have +what they want,' ses the pig. + +"And then two farmers came on the scene, and one ses to the other, +as he pointed to the pig with a stick: 'How much do you want for the +beast?' ses he. + +"'As much as he will fetch,' ses the owner. + +"'One would think 'twas a work of art you were trying to dispose of,' +ses the man with the stick. 'I'll give you the market price and not +a ha'penny more.' + +"'Very well,' ses the owner, 'I'm satisfied.' + +"'And what do you want for that old hen?' ses the man with the stick. + +"'Oh,' ses the owner, 'she is no more use to me, and for that reason +I must charge you ten or a hundred times her legitimate value. She +is an antique. You can have her for ten shillings, and be under a +compliment to me for my decency, besides.' + +"'I'll owe you the money,' ses the man with the stick, 'so that you +won't forget your generosity.' And with that they walked away, and +I jumped off the ditch and turned home," said Micus. + +"'Tis a queer world," said Padna. + +"A queer world, surely!" said Micus. + + + + + + +THE WHITE HORSE OF BANBA + + +"Come in, come in, and make yourself at home; for the flowers of spring +couldn't be more heartily welcome," said Micus Pat to his friend +Padna Dan, as he held the latch of his cottage door. And when Padna +crossed the threshold, Micus turned from his place by the hearth and +said: "Close the door, take off your topcoat, and pull the blinds, +while I will heap logs and faggots on the fire, for 'tis five feet +of snow there may be on the ground before morning, I'm thinking. And +who knows but the house itself may be covered up, and we may not be +able to move from where we are for days and days, or a week inself." + +"True for you," said Padna. "We never know what good luck or bad luck +the morrow may have for any of us. Howsomever, 'tisn't grumbling we +should be about anything, but take things as they come. The storm rages +furiously without, and to-night, for all the wisest of us can tell, +may be the very last night of the world. The end must come some time, +and when the sun rises on the morrow, this earth of ours, with all +its beauty and all its mystery, and all its splendour, may be reduced +to particles of dust, that will find its way into the eyes of those +who dwell on other spheres. If the gale continues, the world will +be swirled from its course, and 'twill surely strike some weighty +satellite of the sun or moon with a mighty crash, and that will be +the end of all joy and sorrow. Then the king will be no more than +the beggar, and the beggar will be as much as the king." + +"I will place the kettle on the hob," said Micus, "for 'tis true +courage we will want to put into our hearts with a good drop of +poteen this blessed night. And a drop of poteen is a wonderful thing +to drive away the melancholy thoughts that haunt and bother so many +of us. We can fill glass after glass of steaming punch, until the +jar in the cupboard is empty. For what is life to some but so many +glasses of poteen, the best whiskey or brandy, or wine all the ways +from France itself, and so many meals of food, a few good books to +read, and maybe a congenial friend or two." + +"Life is a rugged and a lonely road, but flowers always grow on the +wayside," said Padna. + +"And when you try to pluck a flower, 'tis a thorn you will find in +your hand, maybe," said Micus. + +"That is so, indeed. But let us forget the pitfalls that await us at +every turn, and while the wind blows let us fill our pipes and fill +our glasses, and sing a merry song if we should feel like doing so, +for there is no use looking for the Devil to bid him good-morrow until +we will meet him. And the best thing to do when he appears in person, +or in disguise, is to pass him by the same as if he was no relation +of yours at all," said Padna. + +And then Micus heaped dried faggots and logs on the glowing hearth, and +as they crackled and blazed, red sparks flew up the chimney, and the +shutters of the windows, and the latch of the door, and the loose tiles +on the ridge, and the loose slates on the gable, shook and rattled, +and trees were uprooted, and slates were blown from the roofs of +houses and so was the golden thatch, and havoc was wrought in the city, +the town, and the hamlet, on the mountain side, in the valley, and by +the seashore. And as Micus and Padna settled themselves comfortably +in two armchairs, the white dog and the black cat drew closer to +their feet, while a thrush in his large white cage made of twigs, +and a linnet in his small green cage made of wires and beechwood, +closed their eyes and buried their heads beneath their wings. + +Flash after flash of lightning lit up the darkened countryside, and +each peal of thunder was louder than its predecessor, and at times +one thought that the whole artillery of hell with the Devil in command +had opened fire, and that the fury of the elements would send all to +perdition. But Padna and Micus looked on unperturbed at the crackling +faggots. And as the first glass of warm punch was raised on high, +Micus up and said: "Here's good luck to us all, the generous as well +as the covetous, for 'tis little any of us know why we are what we +are, or why we do the things we do, and don't want to do. And as we +can't always be decent, we might at least be charitable when we can." + +"But alas! alas! we seldom think before we act, and usually act +without thinking, and that's why there are so many strange doings +and happenings," said Padna. "Be all that as it may, neglect not +your duty as my host to-night, and take charge of the decanter, +and keep my glass well filled with punch, and my pipe well filled +with tobacco, and I will tell you a story that may set your heart +beating against your ribs, and your knees knocking together, and +your hands may shake till the tumbler will fall from your fingers, +and your teeth may rattle until the pipe will fall from your mouth." + +"Tell it to me, for I'm filled with curiosity to hear a strange +tale. And maybe 'tis a story about some beautiful woman, or the Aurora +Borealis, or some monster of the deep," said Micus. + +"It isn't either one or the other, but the story of a horse," +said Padna. + +"A horse, is it?" + +"Aye, the White Horse of Banba," said Padna. + +"And how came you to hear it?" said Micus. + +"It was an old man of dignified bearing, tall and stately he was, +with a long flowing beard, clear grey-blue eyes, nicely chiseled +features, keen wit, and a soft easy tongue, who told me the story." + +"And where did you meet him?" said Micus. + +"On the high road overlooking the Glen of the Leprechauns, on a +starlit night before the moon came up," said Padna. + +"On with the story," said Micus. + + + +"Well," said Padna, as he lit his pipe, "three weeks ago, come Tuesday, +I was strolling along the road for myself by the Bridge of the Seven +Witches, thinking of nothing but the future of the children, when I +heard strange footsteps behind me, and on looking over my shoulder, +I espied a man I had never seen before. And as our eyes met, he up +and ses: 'Good night, stranger,' ses he. 'Good night kindly,' ses I. + +"''Tis a fine night,' ses he. + +"'A glorious night, thank God,' ses I. + +"'Indeed it is that,' ses he. 'And a night to be appreciated and +enjoyed by ghosts, fairies, goblins and hobgoblins, gnomes and elves, +owls and barroway-bats, and all the strange creatures of the earth, +that does be scared to venture out in the broad daylight, as well as +man himself.' + +"'There's no doubt whatever about what you say,' ses I. 'And a fine +night for any one who likes to walk to the top of a mountain to +see the moon rising, the stars twinkling, or for those who like to +hear the soft wind blowing through the tall rushes in the bogs, and +making music, the like of which would inspire a poet to write verses +and have them printed in a book, for women to read and talk about, +and hold disputatious arguments on modern poetry,' ses I. + +"And so we walked and talked until we came to the great Cliff of +Banba, that overlooks the ocean on the southwest coast. And as we +sat down to rest our weary limbs, he looked from the sky to a high +pinnacle of rock, and ses: 'A beautiful sight is the Cliff of Banba +when viewed from the ocean beyond, in a small boat, a sloop, or a +four-masted ship. But the most beautiful of all sights is to see the +White Horse of Banba himself.' + +"'I never heard tell of him,' ses I. + +"'Why, you must be a queer man, not to have heard tell of the White +Horse of Banba. Now,' ses he, as he crossed his legs, and put his +hand under his jaw, 'fill your pipe,' ses he, 'and smoke, and smoke, +and smoke until you will drive cold fear from your heart. For the +story I am going to tell you this blessed night may turn every hair +on your head as white as the drifting snow, and every tooth in your +head may chatter, and rattle and fall out on the ground.' + +"'Oh,' ses I, ''twould take more than the mere telling of a story, no +matter how long or how short, or a hundred stories about the living or +the dead to scare or frighten or disturb me in any way, and I a married +man for more years than you could count on your own fingers and toes, +and herself as stubborn and as contrary as the first day she made up +her mind to marry me. So 'tis thinking I am that I will be neither +white, nor grey, nor sallow, nor toothless, nor bald maybe, after I +have heard the story of the White Horse of Banba; or the Black Horse +of Carrigmore, and he that took Shauneen the Cobbler away on his back +on a dark and windy night and drowned him in the Lough at Cork, because +he was cursed by the widow Maloney for spoiling the heel of her shoe.' + +"'God forgive her for putting a curse on any poor man,' ses he. + +"'Amen,' ses I. + +"'Well,' ses he, 'if you think that you will be neither white, +nor grey, nor one way nor another but the way you are at this +present moment, I wouldn't be boasting, if I were you, until the +story is told. Because once it strikes your ears, you can never +keep it out of your mind, whether you be sailing over the seas in +a full-rigged clipper, or walking the lonely roads at home, or in +foreign parts. 'Twill be with you when you wake up in the morning, +and when you are going to bed at night, and even when you are asleep +and dreaming inself.' + +"'If 'tis such a wonderful and astonishing story as all that, why +don't you write it down, and have it printed in a book?' ses I. + +"'Some of the best stories were never written,' ses he. 'And some of +the wisest sayings are forgotten and the foolish ones remembered. But +once the story of the White Horse of Banba is told, 'twill keep +ringing in your ears till the dawn of your doom.' + +"'Really?' ses I. + +"'Yes,' ses he. ''Tis the White Horse of Banba who comes in the dark +of the night to carry us all from the Prison of Life to the Land of +the Mighty Dead. And 'twas he stole the woman of my heart from me.' + +"'Well,' ses I, 'maybe 'tis better that he should have stolen her +than some worthless bla'guard who couldn't appreciate and treat her +decently. There are more married than keep good house,' ses I. + +"'That's true, but 'tis no comfort for a man to see the woman he loves +the wife of another, unless she might have the devil of a temper, +and no taste for anything but gallivanting through the streets,' +ses he. 'And only for the White Horse of Banba, I might be the father +of a fine large family, who would be able to earn enough to keep me +idle in my old age. Then I wouldn't have to be worrying and fretting, +when I am walking behind a plough or a harrow, on a warm day, or +searching the boreens, the long winding lanes, or the dusty roads, +looking for a lost sheep or a wandering cow, and watering the green +grass that grows under my feet with the sweat that does be falling +from my brow. Not, indeed, that I couldn't have more wives than I'd +want. But 'tis too respectable a man I am to ever fall in love with +more than one woman. And that's something that very few can boast of, +whether they be single or married, inself.' + +"'And who told you about the White Horse of Banba?' ses I. + +"'I have seen him with my own two eyes,' ses he. + +"'Where?' ses I. + +"'In this very spot. And I have seen him in every nook and corner of +the land from the Giants' Causeway to the Old Head of Kinsale, and +as many times as you forgot to keep your promises too, and he with +the golden shoes and hoofs of ivory, and a long mane that reaches +down to the ground and a neck more beautiful than a swan, and eyes +that sparkle like glow-worms when night is as dark as pitch.' + +"'And he will carry us all to the Land of the Mighty Dead?' + +"'Yes, he will carry each and every one of us to the great country +beyond the grave.' + +"''Tis strange indeed,' ses I, 'that you should see the White Horse +of Banba so often.' + +"'Some are more favoured than others,' ses he. 'But if you will wait +until the lights in the city grow dim, and when the lights in the sky +sparkle and glimmer, and when the birds fall asleep on their perches, +and the dogs begin to snore in their kennels, and all the tired people +are stretched in their beds, then if you are lucky you may see him +passing by here, and he flying through the night, the way you'd see +a pigeon racing home, or a meteor shooting through space.' + +"'And is it all alone that he does be?' ses I. + +"'No. There is always some one on his back, and the banshee follows +at his heels, wailing and moaning the way you'd be scared out of +your wits.' + +"'But some people have no wits,' ses I. + +"'That's so. But we all dread something. It may be the sea, fire, +loneliness, the past, the present, the future, hereafter, a wife with +an angel's face and the tongue of the Devil, a rat maybe, or a shadow +itself. There's a weak spot in the strongest, and a strong spot in the +weakest, even though it might be stubbornness. But there's nothing +to make a man more scared than the cry of the banshee that follows +the White Horse of Banba as he gallops along the dreary roads, where +the ghosts themselves would be afraid to venture. And he always has +some one on his back, holding on to his wavy mane, lest they might +fall and be dashed to pieces on the cobbled roadway. Sometimes it +does be an old man full of days with toothless gums and white hair +that you'd see, and other times some comely maiden, with the virtue +of purity and innocence stamped on her brow, and she more beautiful +than Helen of Troy or the Queen of Sheba. And oftentimes it does be +a little child with rosy cheeks and golden curls, or maybe an infant +who just opened its eyes to get one peep at the world, and then closed +them forever. It may be a young giant of a man that you'd see, or an +old woman, wrinkled and feeble. And as he skelters by, the very trees +themselves bow their heads, the corncrakes in the meadows and the +toads in the marshes keep still, and you would hear no sound at all, +except the clattering of hoofs on the stony roads and the wailing of +the banshee. 'Tis along this very road that the White Horse comes +at the close of night and the birth of morn, and he races with the +speed of the lightning flash, until he comes to the top of the cliff +beyond, where he stands for a little while, sniffs the air and shakes +his mane, turns his head and gives a knowing look at whoever does be +on his back. Then a weird whinnying cry is heard, and he plunges into +the sea, and he swims and swims through the surf and billows until he +reaches the edge of the moon that does be rising out of the waters at +the horizon. As quick as thought he shakes the water from his mane, +stamps and prances and jumps from the top of the moon to the nearest +star, and from star to star until he arrives at the Golden Gate of +the Land of No Returning. + +"'Then he walks through a beautiful avenue, sheltered by tall green +trees and made fragrant with sweet blooms, until he is met by St. Peter +and St. Patrick on the steps of a marble palace. And the stranger on +his back dismounts and accompanies the Holy Apostles into the Sanctum +Sanctorum where a record of our good and bad deeds is kept. And +when the record book is found and the stranger's fate discovered, +St. Peter looks at St. Patrick, and St. Patrick looks at St. Peter, +but no words at all are spoken. Then the stranger is hurried away by +an attendant with a flaming sword in his hand.' + +"'And where does the angel with the flaming sword carry the poor +stranger?' ses I. + +"'Nobody knows,' ses he. 'And the pity of it all is that very +few care. It was the White Horse of Banba who took my father away +and my grandfather, and his father and grandfather, and his father +before him again, and some night when we may least expect it he will +take ourselves, and gallop along like the wind over the highways +and byways, through the meadows and marshes, underneath bridges, +and over the cobbled tracts on the mountain side. And a terrifying +sight it is to see him as he thunders past. He spares no one at all, +and takes those we love and those we hate. He stole the woman of my +heart from me, and made me the lonely man that I am to-night.' + +"'But isn't it a foolish thing for you to remain a bachelor, and the +world full of beautiful women waiting to be loved by some one?' ses I. + +"'A man only loves once,' ses he, 'and when the woman of your heart +is dead who would want to be living at all?' + +"'And now that the woman of your heart is dead, why don't you try +and forget her when you may never see her again?' + +"'Of course I will see her again. Life is but the shadow of eternity, +and before to-morrow's sun will flood the East with dazzling light, +I will see the woman of my heart.' + +"'Where will you see her?' ses I. + +"'In a land farther away than the farthest star.' + +"'And who will carry you there?' ses I. + +"'The White Horse of Banba,' ses he. + +"'But he may not pass this way to-night,' ses I. + +"'As sure as you will make some mistake to-morrow he will pass this +way to-night,' ses he. + +"'How do you know?' ses I. + +"'We know lots of things that we have never been told,' ses he. 'And +you will be wiser to-morrow than you are to-day. The hands of the clock +are now together at the midnight hour, and I can hear the clattering +of hoofs in the distance.' + +"'Maybe the White Horse of Banba is coming,' ses I. + +"'He is,' ses he, 'and there is no one on his back this time, for he +is looking for me.' + +"And as true as I'm telling you, a fiery steed rushed over the hill, +and the stranger jumped on his back, and ses, 'Good-by,' ses he, +'till we meet again in the Valley of the Dead on the Judgment Day.' + +"And then the White Horse of Banba scampered along the rugged pathway +with the wailing banshee at his heels, until the top of the cliff +was reached, and before I could realize what had happened, he plunged +into the dark waters,' said Padna. + + + +"'I hope it will be many a long day before either of us will be taken +to the world next door," said Micus. + +"I hope so too," said Padna. + +"I wonder is the decanter empty," said Micus. + +"Not yet," said Padna. + + + + + + +REBELLIONS + + +"Come in and sit down by the fire, and don't stand shivering there +at the door," said Padna Dan to his neighbor, Micus Pat. "One would +think you were afraid to be natural." + +"I'm only afraid of myself and my own foolishness," answered Micus. "So +I'll go in and sit down. On a cold night, there's nothing like a +good fire, a pipe of tobacco, a cheerful companion, and a faithful +dog to lie at your feet. 'Tis better than being married a hundred +times. Marriage should be the last thought in any sensible man's head." + +"Married men," said Padna, "are very tiresome people. They are +ever either boasting about their wives and children or else abusing +them. And married women are always worse than their husbands. A woman +becomes a tyrant when she knows her husband is afraid of her, and a +good wife when she is afraid of him, and when both are afraid of each +other the children are afraid of neither. And children that aren't +afraid of their parents get married young and always to the wrong +people. But as people who want to get married will get married, then +let them get married and enjoy themselves if they like trouble. I've +been trying to keep out of trouble all my lifetime, and no one has +ever failed so successfully," said Micus. + +"There's only one way to keep out of trouble," said Padna. + +"And what way is that?" + +"Well, by either drowning, hanging, or poisoning yourself." + +"I'd rather fall from an aeroplane, or die a respectable death and +have my name in the papers, than do anything so common as drowning +or hanging myself, if I was trying to escape from marrying a widow." + +"Wisha, when all is said and done, the longest life is so short that +'tis only a fool, or maybe a very wise man, that would make it any +shorter. When we fall out of the cradle, we almost fall into the +grave, so to speak, and unless we are either very bad or very good, +we're forgotten before the grass commences to sprout above us." + +"A graveyard is a great place surely, for grass to grow and flowers +to bloom, and for ghosts to take the fresh air for themselves, but +the last place to go for a rest." + +"And the only place for a poor man. Because there's no rest in life, +except for the very stupid people and the philosophers." + +"And what's the difference between a stupid man and a philosopher?" + +"The stupid man is naturally easy in his mind because of his wonderful +gift from providence, and the philosopher pretends that you are a wise +man, when you know that you are only one of the many poor fools sent +astray in this world, without the least notion where your wandering +footsteps may lead you to, or your preaching lead others." + +"And isn't it philosophy that keeps the world together?" + +"No, 'tis not philosophy, but pride, and pride that pulls it asunder, +and pride that makes hell and heaven. Pride is the net that the Devil +goes fishing with." + +"The world must be full of fools then, because I can't understand +myself or any one else, and I never met any one who could understand +me." + +"If a man could understand himself, he'd die of wisdom, and if he +could understand his friend, he'd become his enemy." + +"And what would happen if a man could understand his enemy?" + +"Well, then, he'd be so wise that he'd never get married." + +"We'll try and forget the women for a while, and talk a little about +the other wonders of the world. There's nothing more extraordinary +than the patience of married men. The world is full of wonders, +police, clergy, and public houses. But what I do be wondering most +about at the close of day is, how did all the stars get into the sky?" + +"Well, well, to be sure! There's ignorance for you! Didn't you ever +hear tell of the night of the big wind?" + +"Of course, I did." + +"That was the night the earth was blown about in the heavens the way +you'd see a piece of paper in the month of March. She was carried +from one place to another, until, lo and behold! she struck the moon +a wallop and shattered her highest mountains into smithereens, and +all the pieces that fell into the sky were turned into the stars you +see floating about on frosty nights." + +"And did she strike the sun at all in her travels?" + +"How could the earth strike the sun, you omadhaun?" + +"It should be as easy to strike the sun as the moon, but how she could +strike either is more than any one will ever be able to understand, +I'm thinking." + +"'Pon my word, but you're the most ignorant man one could meet in a +year of Saturdays. Don't you know that the sun is a round hole in +the floor of Heaven through which all the fairies and politicians +fell the night of the rebellion?" + +"And was there a rebellion in Heaven?" + +"Wisha, what kind of a man are you not to know all these things? Sure, +there's rebellions everywhere." + +"What kind of a rebellion do you refer to?" + +"Well, there are only two kinds, though there's no difference between +them." + +"And what are they?" + +"Rebellions with a reason and rebellions without a reason." + +"And why should there be rebellions at all?" + +"Well, because when people get tired of being good they become bad, +and when they get tired of being bad they become good." + +"I hope I'll never be in a rebellion," said Micus. + +"Rebellions are the salt of life," said Padna. "Only for the rebellion +in Heaven, we wouldn't be here to-day enjoying ourselves at the expense +of our neighbors. Don't you know that we are to take the place of +the fallen angels and that we must win the respect of St. Peter and +St. Patrick by our courageous behavior? I'm never happy only when +I'm in the thick of battle, and the only music that charms me is the +thunderous cannonading of the enemy. That's the time that I have the +courage of a lion, the grace and power of an elephant, and the fire of +hell withal in my eye, ready to conquer or die for my convictions. The +man who can't feel and act like a hero should--What noise is that?" + +"Only your wife scolding some one outside the door," answered Micus. + +"'Tis her voice, surely. Then be off with yourself by the back door, +for 'tis ten by the clock, and mind the dog in the haggard while I'll +put out the light and go to bed," said Padna. + + + + + + +KINGS AND COMMONERS + + +"Well," said Padna, as he rested his elbows on the parapet of Blackrock +Castle, and watched the river Lee winding its way towards the ocean, +"when I look upon a scene so charming as this, with its matchless +beauty, I feel that I am not myself at all, but some mediaeval king +or other, surveying my dominions, and waiting for the sound of the +hunter's horn to wake me from my revery. If at the present moment, +an army of chivalrous archers, with white plumes in their green hats +and bows and arrows slung on their shoulders and Robin Hood himself +at their head, were to march from out the woods at Glountawn, I +wouldn't utter the least note of surprise or exclamation. No, Micus, +not a single word would I say, even though they might lay a herd of +slaughtered deer at my feet, and pin a falcon's wing on my breast; +so much do I feel a part of the good old days when there was no duty +on tobacco and whiskey." + +"Sometimes," said Micus, "I too feel that I own the whole countryside, +and in a sense I do. Because I can get as much pleasure from looking at +it, and admiring all its dazzling splendour, as if I had the trouble +of keeping it in order and paying rates and taxes. And after all, +what does any of us want but the world to look at, enough to eat and +drink, and a little diversion when we feel like it?" + +"A man with imagination and insight," said Padna, "need never want +for entertainment, because he can always appreciate and enjoy the +folly of others, without having to pay for it. But be that as it may, +'tis more satisfying still to have a love of nature and all that's +beautiful, and a healthy distaste for all that's coarse and ugly." + +"The world is made up of all kinds of people, who want to enjoy +themselves in some way or other," said Micus, "and the spirit of +destruction is the Devil's contribution to human happiness. Why, man +alive, you could drown the whole German Army, and the Kaiser and all +his henchmen, in the depths of beautiful Lough Mahon that stretches +before us, and the French wouldn't feel the least sorry. And you +could drown the whole French Army and General Joffre, and the Germans +wouldn't feel sorry. And you could drown Sir Blunderbluff Carson, and +John Redmond wouldn't feel sorry, and you could drown the Russian, +French, English and German armies, and the socialists wouldn't be +sorry, and you could drown all the socialists and the Salvation Army, +and the Devil wouldn't be sorry." + +"All the same," said Padna, "'twould be a pity to wound the dignity +of the Kaiser by drowning him in a comparatively small and shallow +place like Lough Mahon when he could be drowned just as comfortably +and easily in the middle of the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean,--or the +Dardanelles, for that matter. And as for all the trouble 'twould +give the Russians, you could tie him by the heels to a clothesline +in your back yard, the way they tied the tails of the Kilkenny cats, +and dip his head in a bucket of goat's milk mixed with gunpowder, +and let him drown that way." + +"There's good and bad in the worst of us," said Micus, "and I am sure +the Allies would be sorry to have him drowned at all, when he could +be given, for his own private use and benefit, a superabundance of +everlasting peace tokens, such as they give the poor devils in the +trenches." + +"Free samples of poisonous gas, you mean, I presume," said Padna. + +"Yes," said Micus. "However, 'tisn't for the likes of us to be +discussing the ways of mighty monarchs when we are only poor men +ourselves." + +"Hard work," said Padna, "never killed the gentry." + +"No," said Micus, "nor decency either, and if they were to eat twice +as much, 'twouldn't make them any better." + +"When you come to think about it," said Padna, "'tis the hell of +a thing why a man should have to work for himself, or have to work +at all." + +"Indeed it is, and I always lose my temper when I think of the +poor men and women, too, who must get up when it is only time to +be going to bed, and work until they fall on the floor from sheer +exhaustion and no one to care or bother about them. Sure, there must +be something wrong, if that sort of thing is right, and the gentry +should be ashamed of themselves for making such conditions possible +and they doing nothing but spending money that they never earned, +and making laws for the poor." + +"'Tis disgusting," said Micus, "to think that we should have to work +for any one, even though they might be the Prince of Wales, or the +Duke of the North Pole himself." + +"I can't see for the life of me," said Padna, "why we couldn't make +our living as easy as the birds of the air, the fish of the sea, the +insects of the field, or the policemen. Sure, when you come to think +of it, a king is no more than any other man, only for all the fuss +that does be made about him. And I don't see why one man should be +thought better than another when he isn't. Only for the fine clothes +that some of us wear, no one would take the least notice of us, and if +you were to put a dead king and a dead duke, and yourself and myself +beside each other, Micus, on the top of the Galtee Mountains, and +exposed our carcasses to the rains and the snow, not to mention the +southwesterly gales, for three months, when the experts would come +along to identify us, 'tis the way they would think that you were +the duke and I was the king, and the duke was no one but yourself, +and who could the king be but myself." + +"And maybe 'tis the way that they would think that you were only the +duke, and that myself was the king," said Padna. + +"'Tis true, of course, that a king is no more than one of ourselves +when he is dead, but there is no doubt about him being a good deal +more when he is alive. Nevertheless, it would be a proud thing for +the Padna Dan family to have one of their kinsmen buried with the +pomp and ceremony of a mighty monarch, and they never to produce +anything more than birdcatchers and bowl players. Yes, Padna, 'twould +be a great thing entirely, and ye that always lived in a house that +you could put your hand down the chimney and open the front door, +if you forgot your latch-key. The mistake would never be discovered +till the Judgment Day, and then you'd rise from your grave, glorious +and triumphant with a crown of shiny jewels on your head, and a royal +sceptre in your hand, and a robe of state that would cover you all +over, and you looking as happy and contented as though you were used +to wearing overcoats all your lifetime." + +"And what about yourself, Micus," said Padna, "and you with a red cap +on your head, like the dukes wear on state occasions, and a snowball +in one hand and a bear's claw in the other, the way the people would +think you were the Duke of the North Pole and not yourself at all?" + +"All the same," said Micus, "I'd rather be a duke at any time than +have to work for a living." + +"So would I," said Padna. "And in that sense, we only echo the true +sentiments of every democrat. Yet, when I was a young man, I never +bothered my head about royalty, but I was as full of wild fancies as a +balloon is of wind. And there wasn't one from the Old Head of Kinsale +to the Giants' Causeway more headstrong and intolerant than myself." + +"I believe every word of that," said Micus. + +"Like other temperamental and idealistic people, I naturally felt very +disappointed and likewise disgusted with the existing order of things, +and there and then I ses to myself: 'Padna Dan,' ses I, 'the world +is in a wretched condition and badly wants a great reformer.' So with +that I appointed myself mediator between good and evil, and indeed, at +first I thought it would be possible to form some kind of compromise +between those two giant forces that have kept the world in awe ever +since Adam was a boy. But subsequently I decided that the best and +only thing to do would be to rid the world of evil altogether." + +"And how could that be done at all?" said Micus. + +"Well, as I was filled with the enthusiasm and ignorance of youth, +I tried to make up my mind whether I would follow in the footsteps of +Savonarola, St. Francis, or St. Patrick himself, but when I thought of +what happened to Savonarola, and after all these years we don't know +whether St. Patrick was a Scotchman or an Irishman, but principally +when I took into consideration my own strong sense of personal comfort, +and my insignificance withal, when compared to greater men who have +suffered so much and accomplished so little, I finally decided to leave +the regeneration of mankind to the suffragettes or some one else." + +"You're a philosopher," said Micus, "but I'm afraid that you will +accomplish no more for humanity with your old talk, than a patent +medicine advertisement or the police themselves. Sure, every young +man with a spark of decency in him must have felt as generous as +yourself at some time or other in his life. If we could all reform +ourselves before trying to reform others, then there would be some +hope for mankind, but generous impulses such as yours, Padna Dan, +are only produced by the assimilation of black coffee or strong tea, +or else an innate conceit. When the Lord made the world, he must have +known the kind of people he was going to put there. Hence, Padna, +the superabundance of people like yourself to be met with everywhere." + +"Well," said Padna, "whether we mean what we say or not, we must keep +talking. Sure, 'tis talk that keeps the world going, and if we are +not dead in a hundred years, we will be very near it, so it behooves +us one and all to enjoy ourselves while we are here, lest it may be +unwise to postpone our pleasure until we arrive in the other world." + +"This world," said Micus, "in a sense, is good enough for me, and I +wouldn't object to living on here for ever, if I could, instead of +taking a chance with what's to follow." + +"Life is a game of ups and downs, and love very often is an +accident. If we did not meet our wives, we never would have married +them, of course. And if our wives did not meet us, they might have +met some one better. And happy indeed is the man who marries the +woman he loves before she marries some one else." + +"'Tis sad to think," said Padna, "that when we get sensible enough +to appreciate our own folly, the beauties of nature, and the +idiosyncracies of our friends and enemies, we find ourselves on the +brink of the grave. Yet, we might all be worse off and treated no +better than the poor prisoners of Sarduanna." + +"We are all prisoners, in a sense, from the very minute we are born, +and we may be prisoners after we are dead too, for all any of us know," +said Micus. + +"That may be," said Padna, "but nevertheless, some of us know how +to treat ourselves better than the authorities treat the prisoners +of Sarduanna." + +"And how are they treated at all? Is it the way they get too much to +eat and not enough of work, or too much work and not enough to eat?" + +"'Tisn't so much one as the other, but something worse than +either. They get nothing to eat but pickled pork from one end of the +year to the other," said Padna. + +"And what do they get to quench their thirst?" said Micus. + +"Salt fish," said Padna. + + + + + + +THE FOLLY OF BEING FOOLISH + + +"What are you doing there?" said Padna Dan to Micus Pat, as he watched +him sifting sand between his fingers as he stood on the shore of +Bantry Bay. + +"I'm doing what nobody ever thought of doing before and what no +one may ever think of doing again," said Micus. "I'm counting the +pebbles of Bantry Bay from Dunboy to Glengarriffe. And that's more +than Napoleon thought of doing." + +"And why should you be doing the likes of that?" said Padna. + +"Well," said Micus, "when they're all counted, I'll know more than +before and be as famous as the King of Spain himself." + +"You might as well be trying to count all the blades of grass from +Dunkirk to Belgrade, but you'd be dead and forgotten long before you'd +have as much as the ten thousandth part of half of them counted," +said Padna. + +"What do you know about counting pebbles or the red skeeories that +does be on the white thorn-bushes in the month of August?" said Micus. + +"As much as any sensible man wants to know," said Padna. "If you +want to be really foolish, you ought to leave the pebbles alone, +and start counting all the grains of sand in the world." + +"I'll count the pebbles first," said Micus. + +"'Tis only vanity that makes a man do what every one else is too +sensible to do," said Padna. "But 'tis better to be foolish itself +and get married than to be so vain that you don't know you're foolish." + +"And why should I get married?" said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "a man's wife is always a great comfort to him +when he wants to get fed, when he's sick in bed and requires nursing, +or when he's too well off and suffers from discontent. Besides, +'tis a great thing to have a wife to quarrel with when you're afraid +of quarreling with any one else." + +"And why should I quarrel with my wife without reason if I had one?" + +"Abuse, you know, is the great safety valve that keeps the world +from exploding, and if you won't abuse your wife, she'll abuse you," +said Padna, "and isn't it better to be first than last in anything?" + +"I don't think so," said Micus. "I'd rather be the last than the +first man to meet a widow looking for a husband." + +"And why?" said Padna. + +"There's no escape from widows," said Micus, "whatever accidents +might happen with inexperienced young women." + +"There's something in what you say," said Padna. "Perseverance, +pugnacity, and stupidity are necessary for success if you aren't +cursed with intelligence and good breeding. And you can get any young +woman without money to marry you against her will, but if you're wise +enough you won't. I need not tell you that lovers are only sensible +when they commence wondering at the foolishness of their own children." + +"A man thinking about getting married should have two women to +choose from." + +"And why, might I ask?" + +"Well, because if he lost one he could have the other, and if he +lost both he would know what it is to be lucky. Marriage, you know, +always makes one master and two slaves." + +"'Tis too bad that there should be any slaves." + +"It is, but while men will marry for love, and women for money, +we cannot expect a change in our social conditions." + +"There will be no change in the world while men suffering from +indigestion will marry cooks." + +"That's a wise thing for a sensible man to do. A cranky and delicate +man should marry a nurse, a man always out of employment should marry +a dressmaker, and a man fond of quietness and reading should live +with a married sister, if she has no children." + +"Wisha, after all's said and done, there's nothing worse nor better +than being a bachelor, as the case may be. 'Tis better to be a +bachelor, I'm thinking, for you may go to your grave without being +disillusioned. But when a man's dead, it doesn't matter whether he +was married or not, or shot by an ivory-handled revolver or died +from rheumatics." + +"A man suffering from rheumatics should be mindful of the westerly +gales, and the frosts of winter, and keep from eating salty beef and +tomatoes. I think a rheumaticky man should get married, but should +not marry a woman with a tendency to gout. And 'tis always well to +marry an orphan because there's nothing worse than mothers-in-law, +except sisters-in-law, and they're the devil entirely." + +"To change the subject," said Micus, "I don't think it is fair to +catch lobsters at night. No one wants to be disturbed in their sleep." + +"If you look at things like that," said Padna, "you'll never be happy, +and though it isn't easy to please myself, I think 'tis a grand thing +entirely that all caterpillars are vegetarians." + +"I don't think we should waste time talking about caterpillars. They +never do anything but eat cabbage and cause gardeners to use bad +language. Of course, the history of a buffalo or a butterfly is a +wonderful thing, but if elephants were to grow wings we wouldn't take +any notice of canaries, bees, or water hens," said Micus. + +"I'd give a lot of money to see a flock of elephants flying over the +Rock of Cashel," said Padna. + +"That would be a great thing for the newspapers and the moving +pictures, though perhaps a dangerous thing for people of a nervous +disposition," said Micus. + +"And 'twould be the devil of a thing entirely if they forgot to fly." + +"Nervousness is a curse or a blessing, according to the individual, +of course. The evil that some men do lives after them, and the good +does be interred with their bones." + +"That's true, but when men do neither good nor harm they might as +well keep out of politics altogether. No man is as wise or as foolish +as he thinks he is, and if you were to capture all the stray thoughts +that does be floating about in your head and put them down in writing, +you'd be the greatest curiosity that ever was." + +"When a man loses a button," said Micus, "he should immediately sew +it on for himself, if he couldn't get any one to do it for him." + +"Selfishness is the basis of success," said Padna. + +"To give away what you don't want is wisdom without generosity, +and to keep what is of no use to you is the worst kind of folly." + +"Fighting is a natural instinct, and to fight for what's yours, +be it honor or property, is a noble thing, but to fight for what +doesn't belong to you is both dangerous and foolish." + +"That's so indeed. I saw two crows fighting for a crust of bread that +a child dropped in the street, and they didn't cease until both had +their eyes picked out." + +"And who got the crust?" + +"A sparrow who came along while they were fighting, and devoured it." + +"Then the crows without knowing it became philanthropists." + +"Well, 'tis better to make mistakes if some one benefits by them than +to make no mistakes at all. I think I'll go on counting the pebbles +and leave you to find a philosophy for yourself," said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "when a man can content himself by being foolish, +'tis only a fool that would be a philosopher." + + + + + + +THE LADY OF THE MOON + + +"'Tis a strange thing," said Padna to Micus, as he sat on a boulder in +his back garden, carving a dog's head on the handle of a blackthorn +walking stick, "that notwithstanding all the millions of people in +the world, no two are alike, and stranger still that no two leaves of +a tree, or blades of grass, are alike either. And while in a sense +we are always doing something for others, 'tis ourselves we do be +thinking about most of the time." + +"True, very true! And as they say across the water: 'Every man for +himself, and the dollar for us all.' Or as the Devil said when he +joined the police force: 'There's no one like our own,'" said Micus. + +"Life is full of surprises, and the world is full of strange people," +said Padna. "And 'tis a good job that we are like the leaves of the +trees, and the blades of grass, so alike and yet so different. If we +all had the same tastes, we might have no taste at all, so to speak." + +"Speaking of strange people," said Micus, "I wonder if you ever heard +tell of one Malachi Riordan who used to sit in his back yard, every +fine night, watching the reflection of the moon in a bucket of water, +hoping to find the evening star with the aid of his wife's spectacles." + +"I did not then," said Padna. "But I met just as strange a man, and +he sitting on his hat on the banks of the Fairy Lake of Lisnavarna, +watching the moon's reflection in the clear waters, and the devil a +one of him knew that he was contrary at all." + +"Sure if a man was contrary, he wouldn't know it, and if he was told +he was contrary, he wouldn't believe it, but think that every one +was contrary but himself," said Micus. "And I believe the Lake at +Lisnavarna has a fatal fascination for people who are as sensible +as ourselves. 'Twas there that Matty Morrissey, the great fiddler of +Arnaliska, and the holy Bishop of Clonmorna met their doom." + +"How?" said Padna. + +"They were driving in an open carriage along the lonely roads at the +dead of night," said Micus, "and no finer carriage was ever seen, +with its two wheels behind and its two wheels before, and a special +seat for the driver, and cushions fit for a duke to sit on, and the +Arms of the Four Provinces painted on the doors, and--" + +"Where were they driving to?" said Padna. + +"They were driving at breakneck speed to the little thatched chapel +on the Hill of Meath, with its marble altar, red-tiled floor, +painted Stations of the Cross, and beautiful silver candlesticks, +for the Bishop was in the devil of a hurry to marry Queen Maeve to the +Crown Prince of Spain, and Matty Morrissey was to play the music for +the dancers after the wedding. But, lo and behold! as the carriage +rattled along the dark, winding roads, the holy Bishop, Matty, and +the driver fell fast asleep, and the horse fell asleep also, but +he was a somnambulist and kept galloping away the same as if he was +wide-awake, and when he came to the lake, he plunged into its silent +waters, carrying with him the occupants of the carriage, and they +all sank to its icy depths the same as if they were made of lead, +and they were never heard of from that fatal hour to this blessed day." + +"And why didn't some one try to recover their bodies and give them +a public funeral and christian burial?" said Padna. + +"What would be the use? Sure there is no bottom at all to the Lake +of Lisnavarna. And you might as well be looking for a Christmas box +from the Devil himself as to be looking for any one who gets drowned +there," said Micus. + +"That's a sad story," said Padna. "But 'tis better to be drowned +inself than roasted to death in a forest fire, or worse still, talked +to death by your mother-in-law or some of your friends." + +"Talk is a deadly instrument of torture," said Micus. + +"'Tis indeed," said Padna, "and sometimes as bad as silence, but tell +me how the disaster affected Queen Maeve and the Crown Prince." + +"Poor Queen Maeve wept so much that she lost her beauty, and the +Crown Prince married a farmer's daughter who had a dowry of three +stockingsful of sovereigns, thirty-three acres of loamy soil, three +cows, and three clucking hens," said Micus. + +"'Tis a sad world for some," said Padna. "And 'tis my belief that the +best as well as the worst of us don't give a traneen about women once +they lose their beauty." + +"That's my belief also," said Micus. "Yet only for women there would +be no love, and love is the greatest thing in all the world. It is +an echo of Heaven's glory, so to speak, and when denied us we don't +live at all. Without love we are nothing more nor less than dead men, +stalking about from place to place, clutching on to this thing and +that thing with the hope that we will be compensated for what we +have missed. For what, might I ask, is a dog or a cat or a heap of +money itself to a man or woman, when the dark nights come and the +frost and snow does be on the ground, and the wind blows down the +chimney? And even though we might have plenty faggots for the fire +and plenty food in the cupboard, and more than we want for ourselves, +what good is it all, unless we have some one to share it with us? 'Tis +by sharing with others that we bring ourselves nearer to God. And He +has given the earth and all it contains to the good and bad alike!" + +"And 'tis by sharing with ourselves and being decent to ourselves on +all occasions that we acquire wisdom," said Padna. + +"Be that as it may, now let me hear about the stranger you met at +the Fairy Lake," said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "as I approached him I up and ses: 'Good night, +stranger,' ses I. + +"'Good night kindly,' ses he. + +"''Tis a fine night, thank God,' ses I. + +"''Tis a glorious night,' ses he. 'But why do you come here to +interrupt me, and I enjoying myself without any expense to you?' + +"'Oh,' ses I, 'if you didn't interrupt some people, they would never +cease doing foolish things, and if you didn't interrupt others they +would never make any progress. And if we never asked questions we might +be as ignorant as the schoolmasters themselves. 'Tis only by studying +others that we can find out how wise or foolish we are ourselves.' + +"'That may be, but curiosity is the cause of all trouble,' ses he. + +"'Curiosity is a sign of intelligence,' ses I. 'Because only for it +we mightn't try and find out what others were doing, and they might +steal a march on ourselves, so to speak, by taking advantage of our +indifference.' + +"'Howsomever,' ses he, 'what is it to you what I am doing? If we +were only half as interested in our own affairs, as we are in those +of others, 'twould be a good job for us all. Then we might achieve +some success, but while we will keep bothering ourselves about others +and keep bothering others about ourselves, we can't expect either +ourselves or any one else to be happy,' ses he. + +"'Well, bedad,' ses I, 'there's something, if not a good deal, in what +you say; still and all, if we weren't a source of annoyance to our +neighbours, and if our neighbours weren't a source of annoyance to +us, we might all die of inanition, and the whole globe might become +nothing more or less than a beautiful garden, for the wild animals +of the jungle, the birds of the air, and varmints like rats, mice, +and cockroaches,' ses I. + +"'Why, my good sir,' ses he, 'if you could have all your questions +answered, you would become too wise, and then you would get so +disgusted with yourself and every one else that you might take it +into your head to jump from the top of some high cliff into a raging +sea and end your life in that way.' + +"'If I was going to commit suicide, at all,' ses I, ''tis the way +I'd pay some one to put poison in my ear while I would be asleep, +and die like the King of Denmark himself.' + +"'Your conceit is refreshing! Not alone would you have your name in +the paper for being a suicide, but for aiding and abetting in your +own murder as well. 'Twould be a clear case of dying by another's +hand at your own instigation. But now to your query. You asked me +what I was looking at in the lake.' + +"'I believe I did,' ses I. + +"'Well,' ses he, 'I was looking at the lady in the moon.' + +"'The lady in the moon!' ses I. + +"'Yes,' ses he, 'the lady in the moon.' + +"'Sure, I always thought there was only a man in the moon,' ses I. + +"'There's a lady there too, but don't tell any one,' ses he. + +"'Are you afraid any one might run away with her?' ses I. + +"'Well, I am and I am not,' ses he. + +"'When did you discover that there was a lady in the moon?' ses I. + +"'Years and years ago when I was a young man of three sixes,' ses he. + +"'The Lord save us all!' ses I. 'And you never told the scientists +about it?' + +"'I did not,' ses he. 'They should have found it out for +themselves. There's many a thing that the scientists don't know, +and many a thing that the clergy don't know, and many a thing that +the very wisest of us don't know, but there is one thing that we all +know,' ses he. + +"'And what is that?' ses I. + +"'Some day we will all be as dead as decency. But nevertheless it +doesn't make us treat each other a bit better,' ses he. + +"'The uncertainty of everything is the only certainty we have,' ses +I. 'And very few of us say anything worth thinking about, and what +most of us think is not worth talking about. However, I'd like to know +whether the moon was in the east or the west when you discovered the +lady that captured your heart.' + +"''Twas in this very lake the moon was when I saw my love for the +first time, and though some fifty years or more have passed since +then, she is as beautiful, lithe, lissome, and gay as ever, and she +as elegant as Helen of Troy herself,' ses he. + +"'I've been looking at the moon all my lifetime,' ses I, 'in pools +of water, lakes, rivers, and the sky itself, and the devil a one I +ever saw in it at all.' + +"'That's not a bit surprising,' ses he. 'Some walk from the cradle +to the grave without noticing the beauty of the universe, and what's +more, they are never impressed with what's extraordinary, or surprised +at the obvious. And when they see the things they have heard so much +about, they do be surprised at what they think is the stupidity of +the intelligent people, because they have no sense of the beautiful +themselves.' + +"'God knows,' ses I, 'there are women enough on the face of the earth +without going to look for them in the moon, nevertheless, I'd like to +see the lady that's as purty as Helen of Troy, and she more beautiful +than all the queens of the world.' + +"'Well,' ses he, 'if you want to see the lady of the moon, you must +take a hop, step, and a jump forward, and a hop, step, and a jump, +backward, then turn on your heel three times, bore a hole in the +crown of your hat with the buckhorn handle of your blackthorn, put +your face in the hat itself, look through the hole the way you'd look +at the stars through a telescope, and you'll see the lady I fell head +and heels in love with when I was a lad of three sixes.' + +"'Bedad,' ses I, 'that would be a queer thing for me to do. Sure while +I'd have my face in the hat, you might run behind me and give me one +kick and pitch me headlong into the lake, and I'd be sinking in its +icy waters for ever like Matty Morrissey the fiddler, and the holy +Bishop of Clonmorna.' + +"'God forgive you for having such an evil mind,' ses he. 'I that +never did hurt nor harm to any one in all my born days, but myself.' + +"'Well,' ses I, 'a man always makes a fool of himself about women, +and he might as well make a fool of himself one way as another, +and as I won't be making a precedent by doing something idiotic to +please another, I'll bore a hole in my hat, though I'd rather bore +one in yours, and try if I can't see the lady.' And as true as I'm +telling you, I looked through the hole and saw the lady of the moon +for the first time, and then I up and ses to the stranger: + +"'What kind of a man are you to remain a bachelor all those long +years, and to be coming here night after night, when the moon shows +in the sky, wasting your affection on a lady you never opened your +lips to?' ses I. + +"'I'm the happiest man alive,' ses he. 'Because the woman I love +has never wounded or slighted me in any way, and what's more, she +never will. She don't want to be going out to balls and parties at +night, and gallivanting with other women's husbands, and she cares as +little about the latest fashions as I do myself. And we have never +had as much as a single quarrel, and we are the same to each other +now as when first we met. I have yet to be disillusioned,' ses he, +'and that's something worth boasting about.' + +"'But,' ses I, 'for all you know, the lady of the moon might be in +love with the man in the moon.' + +"'That's so,' ses he. 'And maybe your wife might be in love with the +man next door, or across the street, or some one away in the wilds +of Africa, Australia, or America, or she may be in love with some one +who's dead and gone, or some good-looking stranger who came into her +life for a day or a week and went out of it for ever. Women can keep +their own secrets,' ses he. 'They don't tell us all they think, and +very often when they say no, they mean yes. You have a lot to learn,' +ses he. + +"'Maybe I have,' ses I. 'But 'tis as bad for a man to know too much +or too little, as to know nothing at all, I'm thinking.' + +"'Maybe it is,' ses he. + +"'And when are you going to wed the lady in the moon? Is it when she +comes down from the sky?' ses I. + +"'No,' ses he, 'but when she comes up from the lake.' And then a +large dark cloud floated past and the lady of the moon was seen no +more that night." + + + +"'Tis about time we went indoors," said Padna. + +"'Tis," said Micus. "The Angelus is ringing, and I'm feeling hungry." + + + + + + +A BARGAIN OF BARGAINS + + +A blue haze hung on the distant hills when Padna Dan looked pensively +from the landscape to his watch, and said to his friend Micus Pat, who +stood by his side: "The world is surely a wonderful and a beautiful +place as well; but it would seem as though there were wings on the +feet of time, so quickly does night follow day." + +"Time is the barque that carries us from the cradle to the grave, and +leaves us on the shores of the other world alone," said Padna. "And +as my poor mother used to say: + + + Time, like youth, will have its fling, + And of a beggar make a king; + And of a king a beggar make, + Merely for a joke's sake. + + +Time indeed brings many changes. Cromwell made peasants of the Irish +gentry, and America made gentry of the Irish peasantry, and awful +snobs some of them became too! But a whit for snobbery, for what is +it but an adjunct of prosperity, like gout, which disappears again +with adversity." + +"Snobbery at best is a foolish thing," said Micus. + +"But when we consider the unimportance of our own troubles, and +the importance of the principal parts of the British Empire, such +as Ireland, England, Scotland, Australia and T. P. O'Connor, our +insignificance looms up before our gaze, and almost strikes us in +the face, so to speak." + +"And 'tis surprising it doesn't obliterate us altogether," said +Padna. "However, let us forget Tay Pay O'Connor for a little while, +as he will never do so himself, and I will tell you a story about +one Cormac McShane from the townland of Ballinderry." + +"On with the story; I am always glad to hear tell of some one worth +talking about," said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "Cormac was as fine a looking man as ever broke +his promises. And unless you had great astuteness of observation, +and an eye like a hawk or a landlady, you wouldn't see the likes of +him in a twelvemonth, even though you might be gallivanting through +the streets every day. And while nature treated him rather well, +for the poor man he was, Dame Fortune seemed to have ignored him +altogether, until he took his fate in his own hands, and then things +began to improve. But to make a short story as long as I can, like the +journalists and modern novelists, one day while Cormac was sitting in +a barber's chair, having his hair cut and trying to forget what the +barber was talking about, a bright idea came to him as he caught a +glimpse of himself in the looking-glass, and lo and behold! without +saying a word, he jumped up and stood on his two feet, and the poor +barber got so excited that he cut a piece off the top of his right +ear. Cormac wasn't the least displeased, because he always thought that +his ears were too long, so then and there he told the barber to cut a +piece about the same length off his other ear, so that they would both +look nice and even. And when his wishes were complied with, he thanked +the barber, and then he up and ses to himself: 'Cormac McShane,' ses +he, 'I never before thought you were such a good-looking fellow. Sure +the King of Spain or the Emperor of China would feel as proud as a +peacock to have a countenance like yours. Yet,' ses he, 'isn't it a +strange thing that one so handsome, and modest likewise, and with such +a splendid appetite, and a taste for good things in general, should +be compelled by stress of circumstances to live on pigs' heads, and +tough cabbage, and no change at all in your dietary but salt conger +eels on Fridays. Why,' ses he, 'a man with your appreciation should +have plenty of the choice things of life, and never know the want of +anything. What, might I ask,' ses he, 'has the world achieved by all +the books that have been written, and all the charity sermons that +have been preached, when you, Cormac McShane, couldn't go from Cork +to Dublin unless you borrowed the money, and it might be as hard for +you to borrow it, as 'twould be for yourself to lend it to another.' + +"That's good sound talk," said Micus. "Go on with the story, and +don't let any one interrupt you." + +"'Now,' ses Cormac, 'If every one in the whole world from Peru to +Clonakilty would only give you a halfpenny each, and no one would +miss such a trifle, you would be the richest man alive, and then you +needn't give a traneen about any one. But, of course,' ses he, 'that +would be too much originality to expect from the bewildered inhabitants +of the globe, moreover,' ses he, 'when we consider that the majority +of people are always trying to get something for nothing, themselves." + +"He had the temperament of a millionaire," said Micus. + +"Indeed, he had, and the ingenuity of the tinkers, who would charge +for putting a patch on a skillet where there was no hole at all," +said Padna. "'However,' ses Cormac to himself, 'there's nothing like +money, no matter how it may have been earned, and every man should be +his own counsellor, because the little we know about each other only +leads us into confusion and chaos. Now,' ses he, 'very few ever became +wealthy by hard work alone, and you, Cormac McShane, must think of some +scheme by which you can become rich, and all of a sudden too.' And +so he exercised his brains for about a month, and kept thinking and +thinking, until finally he managed to capture an idea that he found +straying among all the wild fancies that ever kept buzzing about in +his head. And he was so pleased and delighted that he ses to himself: +'Cormac,' ses he, 'there isn't another man alive who could think of +such a short cut to wealth, health, and happiness, and as a mark of my +appreciation, I will now treat you to whatever you may want, provided, +of course, that it won't cost more than one shilling. A shilling is +enough to spend on any one at a time, unless you are sure of getting +two shillings, worth in return. And extravagance is nearly as bad as +economy, when it isn't used to advantage.'" + +"And what was the brilliant idea that inspired such generosity?" said +Micus. "Was it the way he made up his mind to dress himself as a duke, +and go to America and marry some heiress who couldn't tell a duke +from a professional plausible humbug?" + +"It wasn't anything as commonplace as that," said Padna. + +"What was it then?" said Micus. + +"'I'm going to raffle myself at a guinea a ticket,' ses he. 'And if I +will sell five hundred, I will have enough to buy a small farm. That +would give me a real start in life, and after I have what I want, +discontent is possible.' And then and there, he got his photo printed +on a card, on which was written: + + + 'A Bargain of Bargains + + To be raffled, and drawn for, on St. Swithin's eve, at the Black + Cock Tavern, one Cormac McShane. He stands five feet six inches in + his stocking vamps, black hair, blue eyes, an easy disposition, + and no poor relations. A limited number of tickets, to wit, + five hundred, will be sold at one guinea each, to widows without + children, of less than three score and five.'" + + +"Well," said Micus, "the devil be in it, but that was the most +extraordinary way I ever heard of a man looking for a wife with a +fortune. And why did he make the stipulation that only widows were +eligible?" + +"Because widows are always less extravagant than single women, and +they know how to humour a man better, when he has lost his temper." + +"And how many tickets did he sell?" asked Micus. + +"Every single one, and he could have sold as many more, only he hadn't +them printed," said Padna. + +"And that was how Cormac McShane got a wife, or how a wife got him, +if you will?" said Micus. + +"Yes," said Padna, "and while the money lasted, Cormac was the happiest +man in the country." + +"Now," said Micus, "if Cormac McShane was a wise man, Garret Doran +was another." + +"How so?" said Padna. "Was it the way he always kept his mouth shut +until he had something to say?" + +"Not exactly," said Micus. "But he could do that too, when it pleased +him. Garret was a miller, who kept a mill near the courthouse, so +one day when the famous judge, Patcheen the Piper, as he was called, +was sitting on the Bench, passing sentence on a batch of patriots +who were to be hanged, drawn, and quartered, for no other offence +than loving a country that never did anything for them better than +they loved themselves, a great noise was heard, and the Judge was +so annoyed at being disturbed that he stopped short in the middle of +the death sentence and ses, at the top of his voice: + +"'What hullaballoo is that I hear? And who dares make any noise +at all, and interfere with my amusement?' ses he. 'If I will hear +another sound, I'll order every one within a radius of five miles +to be boiled in turpentine, and sealed up in tin cans, and have them +shipped to the King of the Cannibal Islands, as a Christmas box from +the people of generous Ireland,' ses he. + +"'Oh,' ses the Crown Solicitor, 'that's only Garret Doran's mill +grinding corn for the poor people.' + +"'The poor people!' ses the Judge in a rage. 'Who the devil cares a +traneen about the poor but the politicians when they want to get their +votes, the kings and emperors when they want them to go to the wars, +or the clergy when they are preaching charity sermons for the benefit +of the inhabitants of Central Africa? And who will deny that those +cannibals wouldn't be better off if they were left alone? Nevertheless, +'tis only fair to state that they have just as much appreciation of +decency and kindness as the best of ourselves. But be all that as +it may, go and tell Garret Doran to stop his mill at once, and if +he don't obey your orders, bring him here before me, and I'll order +him to be hanged with these poor fools of patriots who have done +less to annoy me than he has. And hanging patriots, if you haven't +a conscience, is as good a way of making a living, as starving your +employees to death, like some of the pious-faced rascals who have the +impudence to invite myself to dine with them. Not indeed, that the +likes of me wants a dinner or a meal of food from any one. The poor, +who can't afford a square meal more than once in the year, are never +invited to partake of the hospitality of those who give dinners to +those who don't need them. But why should I bother about anything in +a world like this, where everything is in such a hopeless state of +confusion? Howsomever, a judge, like a lawyer, has to live down to the +dignity of his profession, and unless he hangs a man now and again, +the Government might think he had no interest in his job at all. + +"'Of course,' ses he, 'when we think of the number of useless and +troublesome people in the world and the few who find their way +to the gallows, we should not worry about them, unless they might +happen to be some relation of our own. The only time we really take +an interest in other people's troubles is when such troubles affect +ourselves. Nevertheless,' ses he, 'this is a rather lengthy digression, +so be off with yourself at once to Garret Doran, and tell him his +mill must be stopped this very instant.' + +"Well, the Crown Solicitor went to Garret and told him what the Judge +had said, and Garret ordered the mill to be stopped, and the Judge +received no further trouble from Garret or his mill while the trial +lasted. And when the Assizes were over, the Judge went away, and he +didn't return again for five years. But when he was sitting on the +Bench again for himself, passing sentence of death on more patriots, +who should walk up to him but Garret himself, and he dressed in his +Sunday clothes? And without as much as saying: 'Good-morrow, how are +you,' or 'Go to the devil inself,' he up and hands him a large sealed +envelope. And when Patcheen the Piper opened and read the note it +contained, his face turned scarlet, and he jumped up from his throne +of plush and gold trimmings, and ses: 'What the blue blazes is the +meaning of all this?' ses he. + +"'Don't get excited, whatever you'll do,' ses Garret. ''Tis nothing +more nor less than a bill for the expenses incurred by closing down +my mill at your instigation some five years ago.' + +"For a while the Judge said nothing at all, but kept looking hard at +Garret, and then all of a sudden ses he: 'Why, in the name of all +the descendants of Julius Caesar and Brian Boru in America, didn't +you start the mill going after I left the city?' + +"'You never told me to do so,' ses Garret. 'And if I did start it +without your permission, I might have been sent to gaol for five +hundred years or more.' + +"'Well,' ses the Judge, 'I'm sorry I can't send you to a warmer +place than gaol to punish you for fooling me in such a successful +manner. Why, man alive,' ses he, 'your conduct is preposterous; +in fact, 'tis worse, because 'tis ridiculous as well.' + +"''Tis the incongruity of things that makes a living for most of us,' +ses Garret. 'And only a fool would get angry about anything. Anyway,' +ses he, 'I don't care a traneen what happens to you, so long as I +will get what is coming to me.' + +"'Bedad,' ses the Judge, 'in spite of all our old talk, that seems +to be the beginning and end of human ambition. We all like to get as +much as we can for nothing, and give as little as possible in return.' + +"But to finish my story, the case was taken from the high courts to +the low courts, and from the low courts back again to the high courts, +and between the jigs and the reels, so to speak, Garret got his money, +and Patcheen the Piper never asked any one to stop a mill again." + + + +"That's the devil's own queer yarn," said Padna. "If we all had to +wait until we were told what to do, we wouldn't do anything at all." + +"We wouldn't," agreed Micus. + + + + + + +SHAUNO AND THE SHAH + + +"Well," said Padna to his friend Micus, as they sat on a donkey cart +on their way to market, "I wonder if you ever heard tell of Shauno +the Rover." + +"Wisha, indeed I did not then. Who was he at all?" asked Micus. + +"He was a distant relation of my own who lived in the good old +days when women stayed at home and looked after the children and +the household," said Padna. "And he was as contrary a creature as +ever mistook ignorance for knowledge, and like all of his kind he +was as happy as the days are long when he was giving trouble to some +one else. But, bad luck to him and to all like him, he was the most +dissatisfied man that was ever allowed to have all his own way, and +'tis said he could swear in seven languages, and swear all day without +getting tired. + +"However, though he was queer and contrary, he was a gentleman +withal. And he was never known to use his rare vocabulary in the +presence of ladies, but would wait until their backs were turned, +like a well-trained married man, and then curse and damn them one +and all to perdition." + +"And was it the way he disliked women?" said Micus. + +"Not exactly, but because he couldn't find any particular one that +he could like better than another. And that was why he made up his +mind to leave the country altogether, and go to foreign parts to look +for a wife who might be different from any he might find at home," +said Padna. + +"Bedad," said Micus, "Shauno must have been a genius or else a fool, +and at times it takes a wise man to know one from the other." + +"Whatever he was, or whatever he wasn't, one thing is certain, and +that is, he was an excellent actor both on and off the stage, and +could play the part of poet or peasant, king or beggar, with equal +grace and naturalness. And so it was one day, when he got heartily +sick of all the tame nonentities he had to deal with, he up and ses +to himself: 'Shauno,' ses he, 'there are enough of mollycoddles and +pious humbugs in the world without adding to their number, and unless +you will do something original now while you are young and foolish, +you are not likely to do anything but what some one else tells you +to do when you are old.' + +"And without saying another word, he went straight home, dressed +himself up as Henry the Eighth, and after paying a visit to the mayor +of the town, went on board a warship that was lying in the harbour +beyond. And when the poor captain saw Shauno attired like a mighty +monarch, he got the fright of his life, and never said a word at all +until Shauno up and ses: ''Tis a fine day, Captain,' ses he. + +"'I know that myself, already,' ses the Captain, 'but who in the name +of all the corncrakes in Munster are you, and what brings you here, +and what can I do for you besides flinging you overboard to the sharks +and the sea gulls?' + +"'Oh,' ses Shauno, 'don't be so eager to do something you may be +sorry for. All that I want you to do is to land me in Sperrispazuka +within five days, and if you will accomplish the feat, I will raise +your wages and promote you to the rank of admiral.' + +"'And who the blazes are you to come here without being invited and +give an order like that to myself?' ses the Captain. + +"'Who the devil do you think I could be, or want to be, you impudent +varmint, but Henry the Eighth?' ses he. 'By all the people I have +made miserable, I'll have you lashed to the mouth of a cannon, and +blown to smithereens if you don't do what you are told. How dare you +insult the King of England and Scotland, not to mention Ireland and +Australia?' ses he. + +"Then the bold Captain ses: 'I beg your Majesty's pardon,' ses he. 'I +thought you were some play actor or other who had lost his wits. So I +hope you will accept my apology for the mistake I have so unfortunately +made, and my stupidity likewise.' + +"''Tis hard for me ever to forgive or overlook stupidity because, +like all religious people, I can't stand in another the faults I +have in a large measure myself. But considering that you have been +a faithful servant to the family for a number of years, I will let +you off with a caution this time. But be sure and never make mistakes +again, unless you know what you are doing,' ses Shauno. + +"'Thank you for your kind advice,' ses the Captain. 'Is there anything +I can do now to please or oblige your Majesty?' + +"'There is,' ses Shauno. 'Hold your tongue, put full steam ahead, +and tell the sailors not to say their prayers aloud, because I am +going to bed this very instant, and don't want to be disturbed. But +call me in the morning at eight o'clock sharp,' ses Shauno. 'And +be sure and have my breakfast ready on time. I will have a busy day +to-morrow. I must shave and read the newspaper.' + +"'What will you have for breakfast?' ses the Captain. + +"'One fathom and half of drisheen, six fresh eggs, three loaves of +bread, goat's ears, ostrich brains, and two heads of cabbage. And I'd +like a toothful of something to help me to digest the little repast,' +ses Shauno. + +"'I suppose a keg or two of rum, or a dozen of stout, will do,' +ses the Captain. + +"'As there's luck in odd numbers, you had better make it three dozen of +stout,' ses Shauno. 'And if I feel like any more, I'll let you know.' + +"Well, the old fool of a captain really thought he was Henry the +Eighth, and he did everything that Shauno told him, until they reached +Sperrispazuka. + +"And when the mosques and the turrets of the city hove in sight and +the ship once more lay at anchor, Shauno trod the deck with pride and +ses to the Captain: 'Captain,' ses he, 'allow me to compliment you +on this marvellous achievement. I never before made the journey in +such a short space of time, and in honour of the event I will make +you a present of two-and-sixpence and make you a Knight of Columbus +besides. But before I will take my leave of yourself and the ship, +I want a royal salute of twenty-one guns to be fired and burst every +pane of glass in the town beyond with the noise. A shout is better +than a whisper if you want to be heard, and we all get more by asking +for what we want than by remaining silent.' + +"'Anyhow,' ses he, 'half the world is living on its wits, or by +bluff, if you will, and the other half enjoys itself, so to speak, +at the expense of inequality, non-fraternity, and suppression of the +people's rights. Yet for all that, most of the well-fed and superfine +humbugs we meet every day seem to be as happy and contented as if +they deserved to be. And all you have got to do to convince yourself +that the wisdom of man has not interfered with the extravagance of +women is to look at the way they dress, or look at your bank book at +the end of the year if you are married. But be all that as it may, +I think that I have said enough, for talk is always cheap, and 'tis +doubtful if anything that's cheap or given away for nothing is ever +appreciated by the discerning or the undiscerning.' + +"'And now,' ses he, 'as I have but a few more words to say, I would +advise you, one and all, to be decent to each other while you can, +because a time will come when you can't. And 'tis better to do a +foolish thing now than to be sorry for not doing it later. On the +other hand, 'tis a wise policy to refuse anything you may be offered +for nothing, because a compliment bestowed is always like a millstone +around a man's neck. Independence, of course, is a fine thing, but it +is always purchased at too high a price. And a state of independence +is only acquired by either cheating yourself or some one else. + +"'But nevertheless,' ses he, 'the man who always thinks of himself +first is the last to be neglected. And the man who don't hold his +tongue when he has nothing to say is nearly sure to make a fool +of himself. Howsomever, the time is now come for me to make my +departure. So let loose the guns,' ses he, 'and fire the Royal Salute.' + +"And lo and behold! the Captain obeyed his orders, and such noise was +never before heard in the harbour of Sperrispazuka. And when silence +was resumed Shauno whispered to the Captain and ses: 'I'm going to +sojourn here for a month or two, and I'll send a telegram to you to +call for me when I am ready to return.' So with that they shook hands +and parted. + +"And when the ship sailed away, Shauno went ashore and walked around +the town until he found a menagerie. Then he hired a complement of +one hundred elephants, and numerous pages and attendants, flags, +banners, caravans, and the devil knows what." + +"And what did he want the elephants for?" said Micus. + +"He was going to visit the Shah," said Padna, "and he wanted to make +a good impression. And when all the elephants were placed one after +another in a line, he took the place of honour himself on the back +of the first and largest of the great brutes. And as the procession +passed on its way through the town to the Shah's country home, the +House of Ten Thousand Windows, everybody--men, women, and children +alike--stopped in the streets and took off their hats, thinking that +Shauno was the King of England, and he was beginning to think so too, +or at least that he was as great an old bla'guard as Henry himself. But +when he arrived at the castle gates and found the Shah sitting on his +tombstone feeding the pigeons, he was sorely disappointed, because +he expected a royal escort to meet him outside the courtyard. + +"The Shah was kind of startled when he saw Shauno and his staff, and +nearly lost his temper and ses: 'Who in the name of the few decent +people that a man meets in the course of a lifetime, are you? And +who the devil owns these Irish terriers?' ses he, as he pointed to +the elephants. + +"'Wisha, bad luck and a dozen daughters to you,' ses Shauno, 'what do +the likes of you mean by offering insults to a distinguished foreigner +like myself? If you read the newspapers as you should, you would know +that I was Henry the Eighth, and that these quadrupeds are neither +Irish terriers nor mosquitoes, but elephants.' + +"'Is that so?' ses the Shah. 'Wait till I will put on my glasses. My +sight is somewhat impaired from reading the names of all my wives and +their pedigrees.' And then he put on his glasses and ses: 'Bedad, +sure enough, they are not Irish terriers at all, but real live +elephants. And 'tis yourself is no one else but Henry the Eighth. I +hope to be excused and forgiven for my mistake.' + +"'I'll forgive you this time,' ses Shauno. + +"'Very well,' ses the Shah, 'you might as well come inside and sit down +if you are in no hurry, and we will see if we can't enjoy ourselves, +and I will get my servants to look after the terriers, I mean the +elephants, while we'll make merry.' + +"'The devil a hurry, or a flurry, am I in,' ses Shauno. And with +that they adjourned to the Shah's drawing-room, and when they were +comfortably seated in two armchairs, the Shah rang for a servant +to fetch the decanter and a pack of cards. And when the cards were +placed on the table, the Shah grabbed them up and ses to Shauno: +'What is it going to be? A game of Forty-Five, or what? There's +nothing like a game of cards to pass a dull hour among dull people.' + +"'Forty-Five, of course,' ses Shauno, as he poured out a glass of +whiskey for himself and another for the Shah. + +"'Right you are,' ses the Shah. 'There's nothing to beat a game of +Forty-Five, except a good game of bowls on a hard straight road on +a winter's day. Howsomever, I won't give you a demonstration on the +art of bowl-playing now, but I will show you how to deal the cards +in the true Carrigaline fashion, as introduced by the King of Spain +while he was here on a visit many years ago.' + +"'Bedad,' ses Shauno, 'I think the Clonakilty, or the Skibbereen +deal is just as good, but as they are all the same, we won't allow +the matter be a subject for discussion.' + +"The cards were duly dealt, and the Shah ses to Shauno: 'What will +we play for at all?' ses he. + +"'Small stakes for a start, of course,' ses Shauno. 'I'll back every +ship in my navy against every ship in yours, if you don't mind.' + +"'Done,' ses the Shah, as he placed the decanter on his head and +finished the whiskey. Then they took off their coats, and after +an exciting game the Shah won. Shauno was very much surprised and +disappointed, and said as he pointed to the decanter to have it filled +again: 'Damn the bit of luck have I had since I met a red-headed widow +two months ago first thing on a Monday morning, and I'm afraid I will +never have any luck again.' + +"'I wouldn't worry about that, if I were you. We will be all dead +one day, and then we won't know whether we were lucky or not,' ses +the Shah. + +"'That's cold comfort, as the cat said after she jumped into the +freezing water when chased by a mad dog. I have ruined my country by +my extravagance. She is no longer Mistress of the Seas, and though +that may be a consolation to Germany, it will lose for me a good deal +of prestige. Howsomever, I am not dead broke yet, and even if a man +is dead broke inself, there is no reason why he should go whining +about it. A good gambler never cares whose money he spends or how +much he loses. I will now,' ses he, 'back Ireland against what I have +lost and keep up the custom of my country by treating the Irish with +contempt and injustice. So let us play again.' + +"'Good,' ses the Shah. 'We'll play again.' + +"'I'll give them the tinker's deal for luck this time,' ses Shauno. + +"'As you please,' ses the Shah. ''Tis all the same to me, so long as +I win. A good gambler never cares how much he takes from his friends, +or how many people he makes miserable.' + +"This time they played a great game, but Shauno lost again, and it +made him more angry than ever. + +"'Now,' ses he, 'that I have lost Ireland, it doesn't matter +what happens to the rest of my territory. We'll play one game of +Twenty-Five, and I'll back my boots, my meerschaum pipe, five ounces +of tobacco, and Australia against Ireland and my fleet.' + +"'Don't you think you are getting reckless?' ses the Shah. + +"'I may be,' ses Shauno. 'But I might as well be hanged for a sheep as +a lamb. And one poor man more or less won't make much difference. On +with the game. Philosophy is only a comfort to a man when he isn't +in a state of desperation.' + +"'As you will,' ses the Shah. 'Anything at all to please you.' + +"So the cards were dealt once more and they played a game of +Twenty-Five, and the Shah scored. + +"Shauno lost his temper and commenced to swear and break up the +furniture, but the Shah only looked on and smiled. Then Shauno flung +a chair at him, and ses: 'You bleddy foreign rascal, sure 'tis myself +that's the fool for having anything to do with the likes of you. I'll +never be able to face home now, after all the misfortune I have had.' + +"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I wouldn't behave like that if I were you. 'Tis +undignified to appear natural in the presence of strangers. We should +always reserve ingratitude and bad treatment for our friends. You +are a little upset, of course, for losing what didn't belong to you, +but you will feel all right again as soon as you will begin to acquire +what you don't deserve.' + +"'If I had my own way,--' ses Shauno. + +"'If we all had our own way, the little glimmer of democracy and +decency that we see struggling for existence occasionally would +disappear for ever,' ses the Shah. 'Howsomever, don't be downhearted, +but take a good drop of poteen, and 'twill give you all the false +courage that any man wants.' + +"And then he produced a small keg of the best poteen, and they drank +glass after glass, and sang all the songs they could remember, from +'The Croppy Boy' to the 'Bard of Armagh,' until they fell on the +floor and had to be taken to bed. + +"And there they slept for two days and three nights, and on the +morning of the third day, Shauno woke up with a bursting headache, +and asked the Shah if he was still alive and in the land of the +living. And the Shah was surprised that a real aristocrat should be +so upset and affected by a night's innocent amusement. Well, they had +breakfast together, and after the repast, the Shah took Shauno to see +the sights, and when they arrived at the Royal Harem, Shauno fainted +when he saw all the wives the poor Shah had to look after. It took him +two weeks to count them all, and at the end of that time the Shah ses: +'Well,' ses he, 'how many would you like to take for a present? You +can have all you want, because I am expecting another shipload next +week as a Christmas box.' + +"'Thanks for your kind offer,' ses Shauno. 'But I am cured now. I have +made up my mind to go home and live in peace, and remain a bachelor +for the remainder of my days.' + +"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I think you should at least take one, and she +will help to remind you of your visit to the Shah of Sperrispazuka.' + +"''Tis only too well that I know that, but I have seen all I ever +want to see of women,' ses Shauno. 'But I'll tell you what you can +do without offending me, or hurting my tender feeling in any way.' + +"'What may that be?' ses the Shah. + +"'You can loan me a million sovereigns to show there is no ill feeling +between us, and send me home in one of your first-class battleships. Of +course, I must travel as a private gentleman, and when I will arrive +home, I will get my poet laureate to write an ode to your generosity.' + +"'I'll loan you all you want,' ses the Shah. + +"So there and then he took out his bank book and gave him a cheque for +the full amount, and on the morrow Shauno sailed away for England in +one of the swiftest ships that ever went to sea, and the Shah never +heard of him from that day to this." + +"That's the devil's own queer yarn," said Micus. "What did the Shah +do when he found out that he had been fooled?" + +"Oh, he was as cross as a bag of cats, of course, and retired to +the banquet hall of his castle, sent for all his wives, and made +this speech: + +"'Ladies of all shapes and sizes,' ses he, 'I have good news for you +this blessed day. I'm going to make widows of every one here present, +and all those who couldn't gain admittance to this large and spacious +hall as well.' + +"And when they heard what he said, they all burst forth into uproarious +applause, and began to fling chairs, benches, stools, ink-bottles, +and hairpins at each other. In short, they created the devil of a +hullaballoo entirely, and they might have set fire to the place, +only he threatened to send for the police. Well, when silence and +order was restored, he continued and ses: + +"'Ladies,' ses he, 'you will be all glad to hear that I have been +fooled and cheated by an impostor, and as I have proved conclusively to +my own satisfaction that I am too foolish to live, I have made up my +mind to die. Yes, ladies, and to die by my own hand too. But as many +of you as possible must have something to remind you of married life +and a devoted husband who is about to begin his troubles in the other +world by ending his troubles in this. Now,' ses he, 'come forward, +one and all, and let each of you pluck a hair from my leonine head, +and keep it in a locket as a souvenir until you will go home to the +devil, or wherever else you may be destined for.' + +"And as the last few words were spoken, he bent down his head, and +his wives came along in single file to comply with his request, and +before an hour was at an end, the Shah of Sperrispazuka was as bald +as a snowball." + +"And wouldn't it be easier for him to get a scissors and cut his +hair and then distribute the locks, than to do anything so foolish," +said Micus. + +"Wisha, I suppose it would," said Padna. "But we all do foolish things +when we are upset or excited. Well, when that part of the ceremony was +all over, he ses, as the tears came to his eyes: 'Ladies,' ses he, +'I have no more to say. My hour is come and I am ready to die. I +have here with me on this table a cocktail which is a concoction of +ground green bottles, prussic acid, and black beetles mixed with some +cheese that was refused by the soldiers at the fall of Rome, and if +that won't send me to glory or perdition, may I never again drown +one of you in the Canal for losing your beauty. However,' ses he, +'as a last request I would ask you to control your emotion. Let there +be no singing of the National Anthem, no dancing of jigs, drinking +or carousing, breaking of windows or skulls, or any other patriotic +manifestation of public grief, until I am cold in my grave.' + +"And then he lifted the fatal glass to his lips and drained its +contents to the dregs, and so passed away the Shah of Sperrispazuka." + + + +"I feel like having a drink of something, myself," said Micus. + +"So do I," said Padna. "I think we'll stop when we'll come to the +Thrush and Magpie." + +"As you please," said Micus. + + + + + + +THE MAYOR OF LOUGHLAURNA + + +"I wonder," said Padna to Micus, as they wended their way along a +lonely road after Mass on a Sunday morning, "if you ever heard tell of +the black dog of Dooniskey that was gifted with seven senses, second +sight, and an easy disposition, who followed my grandfather from the +Bridge of the Hundred Arches to the Half Way House in Cromwell's Glen +on the night of the rising of '98. And how he caught a hold of the tail +of his coat and dragged him from Owen Roe's Cross to Cuchulain's Boreen +while the soldiers of England's king were scouring the highways looking +for some one to hang to the nearest finger post. And 'twas little they +cared about any man, for one man looked as good as another to them, +as he swung from a branch of a tree on the roadside or on a gibbet on +the mountain top. And 'twas the selfsame black dog that saved him from +the fairies of Galway on a dark windy night, when all the fairies of +the world assembled in the Gap of Dunlow and made speeches in favour +of women holding their tongues until the Judgment Day." + +"I never heard tell of the black dog of Dooniskey, or your old +grandfather, or the fairies who wanted to steal him either, but what +the fairies wanted him for is more than I can understand," said Micus. + +"Wisha, bad luck to your ignorance this blessed day, not to know +that he was the best musician in the seven parishes, and the likes +of his playing on the fiddle was never known since the Devil played +a jig for Henry the Eighth the night he died. What do you think the +fairies would want my grandfather for, but to play the 'Coulin,' +'Eileen Aroon,' 'The Last Rose of Summer,' 'The Dirge of Ossian,' +'The Lamentation of Deirdre' and 'My Dark Rosaleen' for them in the +caves of the ocean when the drowsy eye of night quivers and closes, +and they tired of dancing to the music of the waves on the cobbled +beaches of the north, south, east, and western coast?" said Padna. + +"'Tis a great thing indeed to be able to play the fiddle, sing a +song, dance a jig, make a short speech, tell a good story, or do +anything at all that gives pleasure to another, but the greatest of +all achievements is to be able to please yourself without offending +some one else. But be that as it may, let me hear no more about your +grandfather, because there is nothing disagrees with me more than to +have to listen to some one retailing the exploits of people I haven't +the remotest interest in," said Micus. + +"Well, then, you might like to hear about the black cat I met the +night before I got married," said Padna. + +"What's coming over you at all? If we were to be noticing the doings +of black cats, black dogs, the rats that leave a ship, the queer +dreams that follow a heavy supper, the calm that precedes and follows +a storm, and all the other signs and tokens that may mean everything +or nothing, we would become so bewildered that damn the bit of work +would we do from one end of the year to the other, and by trying to +become too wise we would become too foolish for sensible people to +pay any attention to us," said Micus. + +"Some men don't realize how foolish they are by being too sensible, +until they see their grandchildren squandering their hard-earned +savings," said Padna. + +"That's the kind of experience that makes pessimists, and the +few people worth working for are, as a rule, able to work for +themselves. And though there is a limit to all things, except the +extravagance of women and the patience of husbands, yet on the other +hand only for women there would be no trouble, and without trouble +of some kind life wouldn't be worth living," said Micus. + +"There's trouble everywhere, both on the dry land, the stormy ocean, +in the cot and in the castle, and the devil a one will you ever find +who doesn't like to have a quarrel now and again. But as the Mayor +of Loughlaurna said to me one day: 'Life is too short for some, +too long for others, and a great bother to us all,'" said Padna. + +"Who the devil was the Mayor of Loughlaurna, and where did you meet +him?" said Micus. + +"The Mayor of Loughlaurna," said Padna, "if I am to take his own word +for it, was a gentleman." + +"A gentleman," said Micus, "don't have to tell you he's one." + +"Neither does a bla'guard, a thief, or a rogue, for that matter," +said Padna. "Howsomever, 'twas on a summer's day, many years ago when +I was young, and believed all the things I should doubt, and doubted +all I should believe, that I met the Mayor of Loughlaurna. I was out +fishing in a small boat that I had moored in the centre of the lough +itself, and though I started at early morning, blast the bit did I +catch all day except a cold in the head and chest, but as I was about +to haul in my line at the tail end of the evening, something began to +pull and tug, and I hauled and hauled and hauled until I thought I was +dragging one of the Spanish Armada from the depths of the sea. But lo +and behold! what did I find, when I came to the end of my pulling and +tugging and dragging, but the finest-looking salmon your eyes ever +rested on. And when I drew him over the gunwale, and took the hook +from his mouth before breaking his neck on my knee, he gave one jump, +cleared two thwarts, stood on his tail and commenced to abuse me, +the same as if he was in politics all his lifetime." + +"And what did he say?" said Micus. + +"'Bad scran to your confounded impudence and presumption, not to say +a word about your absence of courtesy and good breeding,' ses he. 'How +dare you interfere with people who don't interfere with you?' + +"'Oh,' ses I, 'sure 'tis by interference, inference, and ignorance that +most of us become prosperous and presumptuous. And without presumption +there would be no assumption, and without assumption there would +be only chaos, and people would never get the things they are not +entitled to.' + +"'Well,' ses he, 'I often heard that a little learning is the saving +grace of an ignoramus, but now I have no doubt whatever about it.' + +"'Well,' ses I, 'if it takes a rogue to find a rogue, it takes one +ignoramus to find wisdom in another.' + +"'I think,' ses he, 'that you have a lot to learn, and as much more to +unlearn, before you will be fit to advise those who may be senseless +enough to heed you.' + +"'You should know,' ses I, 'unless you are a schoolmaster, that what +is wisdom to one man is tomfoolery to another. But who the blazes +are you anyway, that I should be wasting my time talking like this?' + +"'You might as well be talking to me as anyone else,' ses he, +'because most people spend their lives between talking and sleeping, +and all their old talk makes no more impression on the world than +their snoring. And when they die, they are immediately forgotten by +every one except those to whom they owed money. But if 'tis the way +you want to know who I am,' ses he, 'I will tell you before you will +have time to make another mistake.' + +"'You must hurry up then,' ses I. + +"'The man who stands here before you,' ses he, 'is no less a person +than His Lordship the Mayor of Loughlaurna.' + +"'That's a giant of a title for a bit of a man like yourself,' ses +I. 'But how came the likes of you to be Mayor of Loughlaurna?' + +"'What way would any one become mayor of a city, unless by his ability +to control others, or the ability of others to control him? Many a +man got a good job because he knew how to hold his tongue,' ses he. + +"'Bedad,' ses I, 'honesty must have gone on a holiday the day that +gold was discovered, and never returned.' + +"'Wisha, God help you for a poor fool to think that honesty ever +existed. Honesty is like the gift of silence among women,--it only +exists, so to speak, after death. But now to my history. I suppose +you often heard tell of a song that the tinkers sing in public houses +on Saturday nights. It goes like this: + + + "On Lough Neagh's bank, as the fisherman strays, + When the clear cool eve's declining, + He sees the round towers of other days + In the waters beneath him shining."' + + +"'Indeed, I did then many and many a time,' ses I. 'My mother used to +sing it for me when I was in the cradle, and 'twill keep ringing in my +ears till the day I die, as 'twill keep ringing in the ears of every +son of Granuaile, whether he be drinking tea with the dusky maidens of +the South Seas or philandering with the beauties of the United States.' + +"'Are the American beauties as contrary as ever?' ses he. + +"'Well,' ses I, 'they can afford to be more so than women who can't +support their husbands. Man at last is emancipated and is now beginning +to take his place side by side with woman. The age of freedom is at +hand and chaos is within arm's reach,' ses I. + +"'That little digression was interesting,' ses he. 'But to proceed +about the song. My poor mother used to sing it for me too, and told me +the story of how it came to be written. It appears that in the long, +long ago, before people were as satisfied with their ignorance and bad +manners as they are to-day, there was a well in the town of Neagh that +grew to be a great lake in the middle of the night, and before morning +came the highest steeple was covered, and every single inhabitant, +man, woman, and child, was drowned. And only for that,' ses he, +'maybe 'tis the way yourself would be walking through the streets of +the town this very day admiring the pretty girls, for 'tis the eye +of a philanderer you have, not to mention your sleuthering tongue.' + +"''Twas long ago that I gave up admiring the pretty girls,' ses I. + +"'I don't believe a word of it,' ses he. 'A man is never too old +to admire a pretty woman. And the old men, God forgive them, are +worse than the young men. For the young ones does be shy and bashful, +while the old ones are as brazen and courageous as the Devil himself, +even though they might be on the brink of the grave itself.' + +"'I have listened to enough of your old talk, and if you want me to +believe that you are the Mayor of Loughlaurna, you must prove it. What +are you but a fish? And how could a fish be Mayor of a city?' + +"'I wasn't always a fish, and I suppose you have heard of Spain and +the Rocky Mountains?' ses he. + +"'I have, of course,' ses I. + +"'And the children of Lir?' ses he. + +"'Yes,' ses I. + +"'Well, the night before King Lir's lovely daughter Fionnuala and +her two brothers were turned into swans by the magic power of their +stepmother, and condemned to wander on the waters of the world for +three hundred years, I was sitting by my own fireside, reading about +the adventures of Brian Boru, the Red Branch Knights, Queen Maeve, +and Deirdre.' + +"'Pardon me,' ses I, 'Brian Boru wasn't born when King Lir took unto +himself a second wife.' + +"'You shouldn't interrupt me for a trifle like that, though strictly +speaking trifles are the cause of most interruptions. That's only a +historical mistake, and history itself is full of mistakes. And the +man who can't make a mistake must be a damn fool. However,' ses he, +'as I was sitting by the hearth reading away for myself, who should +stroll into the drawing-room but a fairy princess with a wand in her +hand? And as I didn't know who she was or where she came from, I up and +ses: "Good night, ma'am," ses I, "as you wouldn't say it yourself."' + +"'Good night kindly,' ses she. + +"'Might I ask who are you at all?' ses I. + +"'If I told you who I am, you would be as wise as myself,' ses she. + +"'Do you know who you are talking to?' ses he. + +"'Indeed, I do,' ses she. 'You are Michael Henry Patrick Joseph Billy +Dan MacMorrough, the Mayor of Laurna.' + +"'That's my full name and title,' ses he, 'but I takes more after my +mother's people than my father's.' + +"'That's a pity, because your mother was decent to the point of folly, +while your father never did a bit for any one but himself,' ses she. + +"'And what may your business be with me this blessed night?' ses he. + +"'I just want to amuse myself at your expense,' ses she. + +"'And why at all?' ses he. + +"'Well, just because you are the most respected man in the land, +and have only a good word for every one, and because you have always +done the right thing and lived an exemplary life. In this world most +things go by contrary. The good must suffer so that the bad may have +a chance of enjoying themselves. And as the good are always worrying +about the bad, and as the bad never bother their heads about the good, +and as everything is topsy turvy, 'tis only right and consistent that +you should be duly punished for your virtues, and made to know what +sorrow means in its widest sense,' ses she. + +"'What are you going to do to me?' ses he. + +"'I'm going to turn you into a fish,' ses she. + +"'What kind of a fish? A sprat or a mackerel maybe?' ses he. + +"'Nothing so common,' ses she. + +"'What, then?' ses he. + +"'A salmon,' ses she. + +"'Thank heavens,' ses he. 'That same is a consolation.' + +"'Things are never so bad that a woman can't make them worse. And +things might be much better.' + +"'Howsomever,' ses he, 'I think that 'tis a piece of gross injustice +to change me from a respectable man into a fish, moreover when I am +head and ears in love with King Lir's lovely daughter Fionnuala.' + +"'Lir's lovely daughter was turned into a swan last night,' ses +she. 'But 'tis better to have loved and lost inself than to be kept +awake at night by squalling children who won't thank you when they +grow up for all you had to endure on their account. And who would +want to provide for a large wife and a large family unless he might +have plenty money,' ses she. + +"'Is it the truth you are telling about the children of Lir?' ses he. + +"''Twill soon be a recorded fact in history,' ses she. + +"And as the words fell from her lips, tears fell from his eyes, +and he wept and wept until the water reached his chin, and then with +one wave of the magic wand he was turned into a salmon, but he still +continued to weep and weep until the waters rose above the highest +steeple in the town of Laurna, and there he lived swimming about in +his own tears, until I caught him when fishing for bream on a summer's +evening some five and twenty years ago," said Padna. + +"And what did you say to him when he told you that yarn?" said Micus. + +"I said that I thought he should have been more upset about his own +fate than that of Lir's lovely daughter. + +"'That may be,' ses he, 'but there's no pleasure to be got from +worrying about yourself. We only really enjoy ourselves when we fret +and worry about those we love. The pleasures of melancholy are best +enjoyed by those who have loved and lost and been desired by no one +else. And besides,' ses he, 'the man who has suffered is always more +interesting and entertaining than the man who has not. But at best +that is only cold comfort.' + +"'True for you,' ses I. 'Yet you should have received your liberty +years and years ago, because the children of Lir were released from +their captivity at the dawn of Christianity. The ringing of the first +church bell was the signal for their release, but when they returned +home after their wanderings, all their old friends and neighbours were +dead and gone. Why you should be made suffer so much, or any of us, +the best and the worst, is more than I can comprehend.' + +"'The devil a one of me can understand it, either. None of us know +what's before us, because none of us know what may have been behind +us, so to speak. But if I did live before, 'tisn't likely that I was +an angel,' ses he. + +"'I suppose,' ses I, 'that none of us can differentiate thoroughly +between good and evil. What one man thinks is right another will +think is wrong, and while none of us understand the other, we can't +expect things to be any better than they are. If we all thought alike, +there would be no difference of opinion. And if we all agreed about +religion and politics, we might have the greatest contempt for each +other. And unless a man is either better or worse than ourselves, +we don't pay any attention to him at all.' + +"'True,' ses he. + +"'We could keep bladdering away like this till the leaves fall from +the trees, but you have not told me yet when the fairy princess said +you would be released,' ses I. + +"'When a woman can be found who don't want to get her photo taken, +or see herself in a mirror, or want to read her husband's letters, +or search his pockets, and when the Germans will get to Paris,' ses he. + +"'You had better go back to the Lough,' ses I. + +"'I will,' ses he, 'because I am getting thirsty as well as homesick.' + +"And with that he shook hands with me, bid me good-by, and jumped into +the waters, and that was the last I saw of the Mayor of Loughlaurna." + + + +"There's no place like home," said Micus. + +"No," said Padna. + + + + + + +THE LAND OF PEACE AND PLENTY + + +"Ah, God help us, but 'tis a bad night for poor sailors," said Padna +Dan, as he pulled his chair close to the glowing hearth where faggots +blazed and a kettle sang. "The strand will be strewn with wreckage +to-morrow, and there will be more widows and lonely mothers in the +world than ever there was before, and all because the winds have +no mercy, and the sea has no mercy, and there's no mercy anywhere +but in the heart of God. There's a peal of thunder now, and if the +clouds burst and the rain comes, there won't be a sheaf of corn left +standing in Castlebawn to-morrow." + +"There will, please God," said Micus, as he stirred the fire. + +"'Tis like you to have the good word," said Padna, "but I'm sick and +tired of this country altogether. When we have a fine summer we have +a bad autumn, and when we have a good spring we have a wet summer, and +when we have a hard winter we have nothing at all. I can't understand +these things. 'Pon my word, I can't." + +"No, nor any one else, either," said Micus. "How is it that decent +fathers and mothers rear worthless children, and worthless children +rear decent fathers and mothers? Or how is it that grass grows in +the fields, and the lark sings in the sky, and the trees lose their +leaves in winter? Or how is it that the world isn't under water long +ago after all the rain we've had since Cromwell went to hell? Or how +is it that people will spend half their lifetime educating themselves, +and then go to war and kill people they had no quarrel with at all?" + +"Didn't I tell you I can't understand these things?" said Padna, +rather piqued. "Sure if I could, I'd be a philosopher, and if I was +a philosopher, I wouldn't have to worry about anything." + +"And why?" said Micus. + +"Because philosophers are people with easy minds and usually they +have all they want." + +"And what's a pessimist?" said Micus. + +"A pessimist is a philosopher before he gets a good job," answered +Padna. + +"And what am I then?" + +"What are you? You're a philosopher, of course." + +"Bedad, I suppose I am," said Micus. "It takes all kinds of people +to make a world, anyway." + +"It does," said Padna. "Philosophers, pessimists, suffragettes, +and policemen." + +"The world is a strange place." + +"Indeed it is, and a beautiful place, when you haven't to work for +a living." + +"And life is a strange thing." + +"Life is a wonderful thing, a queer and bewildering thing, but a +magnificent thing withal, when you're not married." + +"'Tis, but no one makes the most of it. Some make it short by trying +to make it long, and others make it long by trying to make it short." + +"Suicide is a cowardly thing if you're married, and a brave thing +if you're not, but there's nothing worse than selfishness, except +being an Orangeman. They're more proud than the peacocks themselves, +and no one would bother with peacocks only for their fine feathers." + +"I never ate peacocks," said Micus, "but I'd rather a good piece +of bacon and cabbage than the finest turkey that was ever killed, +cooked, and eaten." + +"Good green cabbage is a wholesome thing and bacon is better, but +when a man has neither, there's nothing like a good smoke." + +"That's the worst of this country," said Micus. "Some things are +better than others, and a little of anything only gives you an appetite +for more, and too much is as bad as too little. Too little makes one +peevish and selfish, and too much makes one foolish. When you're happy, +you start thinking about the days of sorrow and mourning you had, +and when you're unhappy you start thinking about the days of joy +and pleasure, and no matter what way you are, you want to be some +other way. Sure this is no place for a man to live, if he wants to +enjoy himself." + +"And where would you live if not in your native land? The savage +loves his native heath." + +"I know he does, but the real estate men love it better, and that's +why land is so dear in America. The Land of Peace and Plenty is the +only place to live." + +"The Land of Peace and Plenty! Where's that?" + +"Oh! 'tis leagues and leagues and leagues from anywhere you know." + +"And how did you get there?" + +"In a ship, of course. When I was a boy, I sailed over the ocean +for six months without finding a single night, nothing but days all +the time, until you forgot what darkness was like. Well, one night at +twelve o'clock, though 'twas broad daylight, mind you, one of our crew, +Martin O'Farrell, was playing 'The Boys of Wexford' on a gadget, when +lo and behold! a sea serpent puts his head out of the waters and ses: +'Bravo, Martin,' ses he. 'That's the finest tune in all the world, +but play me a four-hand reel,' ses he, '"The Kerryman's Daughter," +for choice, and I'll dance for you until old Ireland is free.' And +Martin started to play 'The Kerryman's Daughter' and the sea serpent +started to dance, and he kicked up such a devil of a row, and lashed +and splashed the waters until our ship got tossed about so badly that +she finally foundered, and not a soul was saved but myself." + +"And how did you save yourself?" + +"Well, when I saw the way things were, I thought to myself that there +was trouble ahead, so I lashed a knife to each of my feet, and one +on each of my hands, the way you'd see fins on a fish. I put three +on my back and so many on my head that you'd think I was a porcupine, +and when I looked to the west, I saw land about two or three hundred +miles away. 'Fortune favors the brave as well as the foolish,' ses I, +and then I started out for the shore." + +"You did, is it?" + +"If I didn't, how could I be telling you all about it? Well, the sea +was alive with hungry sharks, but every time one swallowed me up, I cut +my way through and escaped, only to be swallowed again, but even that +had its advantages. I was carried nearer the shore each time, until +finally I reached terra firma, as safe and as sound as a Protestant." + +"How many sharks did you kill?" + +"Just enough to teach the others how to behave themselves." + +"And when you reached the shore, what did you do?" + +"I dried my clothes on the hot sand, shaved myself with one of the +knives I had on my head, and used a pool of water for a looking glass, +and when I combed my hair, every lady in the land fell in love with +me, but I only fell in love with one." + +"And what kind was she?" asked Padna. + +"She was a lady of great beauty," said Micus, "and as she passed by +she looked into my eyes, and though I might live for ten thousand +years I will never forget her. Sure no words that ever were spoken +could describe her queenly gait and inspiring glances. She seemed to +have come from some place not yet discovered by man, and looked as +lonesome and as beautiful as a lily in a cabbage garden." + +"And why did you not follow her and find out something about her?" + +"Ah me, sure she disappeared for ever, before I could find any word at +all to say. I have seen other beautiful women, but they had only the +beauty of flowers which fade and die. But her beauty was the beauty +which lives and never dies." + +"I suppose it must be that same thing which all the people does be +talking about, but don't know what it is at all, at all." + +"Sure if you knew all about anything, you wouldn't be talking +about it." + +"That's true." + +"Love is the most beautiful thing in all the world, and it isn't so +much anything else as a divine state of mind." + +"So 'twas in the Land of Peace and Plenty that you fell in love with +a beauty who came into your life for a moment and went out of it +for ever?" + +"Yes," said Micus. + +"An' that's why you've remained an old bachelor, was it?" + +"That's the one and only reason." + +"I am sorry for you," said Padna. + +"You needn't be sorry," said Micus. "If a bachelor has sorrows, he +has joys as well, and 'tis better to keep what you have than to lose +what you haven't." + +"How could you lose what you haven't?" + +"Well, you might get it if you tried hard enough, and then only find +discontent and disillusionment." + +"I'd like to go to the Land of Peace and Plenty. It must be a +wonderful place." + +"A wonderful place it is, then, surely, and nearly as wonderful as +the sun itself." + +"When the earth goes too near the sun it is too hot, and when it goes +too far away from the sun it is too cold, but in the Land of Peace +and Plenty, I suppose it must be always beautiful." + +"Indeed and it is." + +"What do all the people do there?" + +"In the Land of Peace and Plenty, nobody does anything but enjoy +themselves." + +"And if the Land of Peace and Plenty is such a wonderful place, +how is it that the great powers of the world don't go to war for +it?" asked Padna. + +"Sure they did go to war for it long before you began to make +mistakes," answered Micus, "and great battles were fought there +too. And after the greatest battle of all was ended, the King ses +to all the High Generals: 'Fellow warriors and likewise courageous +omadhauns,' ses he, 'what are we fighting for, anyway? The world +is large enough for us all, and there's enough of dead men already, +and those that aren't dead are alive, and those that are alive are +nearly dead, but all the same,' ses he, 'I must compliment you on +the magnificent way you slaughtered my fellow countrymen and your +own fellow men, though why you did so, or wanted to do so, God alone +knows.'" + +"Every man is entitled to as much enjoyment as he can afford," said +Padna. "Sorrow is the price of pleasure, and the sport of nations is +the curse of mankind." + +"We won't discuss international politics. The world was best when +people left others to mind their own business." + +"Proceed about the King of the Land of Peace and Plenty," said +Padna. "Interruptions and digressions are bad unless they're for +one's good." + +"That's true, but half a loaf is better than no bread when a man +isn't hungry." + +"Two heads are better than one," said Padna, "and two fools, if +they are any way sensible at all, are better than a wife with a +bad temper. But comparisons are odious, as the whale said to the +grasshopper. Go on with your story." + +"Well, the King ses to the Generals, after they had all forgotten what +he first started talking about: 'I demand,' ses he, 'in the name of +justice, common sense, and humanity, that we will be allowed time to +bury our dead, and that there will be no thunderous cannonading of +artillery, no charges of cavalry, infantry, nor anything else that +might be a breach of the etiquette of war, until our last man is +buried.' And then and there the Generals agreed, and from that day +to this, there was never a sound, except of music, heard in the Land +of Peace and Plenty." + +"I don't quite understand," said Padna. + +"Well," said Micus, "don't you see, when the last man was buried, +some one else died, and as there will be always some one dying, there +will be always some one to be buried in the Land of Peace and Plenty." + +"All the water is boiled out of the kettle," said Padna. + +"There's plenty more in the well," said Micus. + + + + + + +THE LINNET WITH THE CROWN OF GOLD + + +"What's troubling you at all? You're not looking yourself to-day," +said Padna Dan to his friend Micus Pat, as he cut a switch from a +blackthorn tree on the road to Mallow on a May morning. + +"There's many a thing that troubles a man that he doesn't like to +talk about," said Micus, "and many a thing that he talks about that +doesn't trouble him at all." + +"Maybe some one died who owed you money," said Padna. + +"Well, as you seem to be anxious to know, it was the way that some one +died, but the devil a ha'penny did he owe me, no more than yourself +or the Pope of Rome," said Micus. + +"Was he a member of the Royal Family then, or some one born with a +silver spoon in his mouth, and no more brains in his head than you'd +find with a sparrow?" + +"He was no way connected with royalty or the aristocracy, but a +decent man who always worked for a living, one Lareen, the birdcatcher +from Duhallow." + +"And what's the use fretting about any one who is dead and gone? Sure +we must all die, and maybe there will be no one fretting about +ourselves." + +"There is some truth in that, but we can't always be as philosophic +as we pretend to be." + +"And was Lareen of such importance that you can't forget him, now +that he's gone to his reward or his deserts, as the case may be?" + +"Well," said Micus, "Lareen was a Murphy on his father's side and +a Cassidy on his mother's, and both families were noted the world +over for their love of sport, black pudding, and fresh drisheens. And +Lareen, like his father and grandfather, was a birdcatcher by nature +and a shoemaker by profession, and he always made boots and shoes +for the parish priest and the minister, and he used to collect the +money at the chapel door on Sundays. There was no man in the seven +parishes who could blow the organ for vespers better than himself, +but the devil a bit he ever got for all he did for others, except that +he contracted rheumatics from walking in the rain while attending +funerals of the poor. However, that same had its compensations, +because it helped him to remember that he wasn't long for this life, +and that he had a soul to save and a wife and family to support. But to +go on with my story. One fine morning, as I was reading the newspaper +that I got the lend of from the public house opposite the pump at the +bend of the road, who should come into the house but Lareen himself, +and there and then he up and ses: 'Good morning, Micus,' ses he. + +"'Good morning kindly, Lareen,' ses I. 'What's the good word?' + +"'Nothing in particular,' ses he. + +"'Have you no news at all?' ses I. + +"'Yes, I have a little,' ses he. + +"'I'd like to hear it then,' ses I. + +"'Very well,' ses he. 'The King of Morocco has a corn on his big toe, +and he sent to the United States for a specialist to remove it.' + +"'Is that so?' ses I. 'Sure 'twould be as cheap to send to London +or Dublin or Cork itself for a specialist as the United States,' +ses I. 'An operation like that will cost him a lot of money, anyway, +but what matter? He don't have to earn it, and the more he spends, +the more respectable the people will think he is. But nevertheless +'twould be cheaper for him to cut a piece out of his boot, or cut +his toe off altogether, than to send to America for a doctor.' + +"'True,' ses he, 'and if we were all to charge as much for the little +we do as the doctors and the specialists, 'tis the way that we might +make bankrupts of each other overnight, and as a consequence we might +all die of want and privation.' + +"'That's very true indeed, but is that all the news you have for +me?' ses I. + +"'Well, not exactly,' ses he. 'There was a man shot in Russia last +week, the Grand Duke of Ballybrophy went to America to be lionized +by the republicans and democrats, a kangaroo died in Australia, the +King of Italy bought a new hat, and Queen Victoria gave a shilling +for the relief of the poor of Ireland.' + +"'And tell me,' ses I, 'is it all to be given to the Protestants?' + +"'No,' ses he, ''tis to be equally divided among the poor of all +classes.' + +"'I'm glad to hear that,' ses I, 'because it denotes a fine, +broad-minded, and generous spirit. But what pleases me more than +anything else is that she has not forgotten that Ireland is still on +the map.' + +"'Why,' ses he, 'Ireland will never be forgotten while there is +money to be made at politics in America, and politics, they say, +is the most popular religion in the United States.' + +"'And was it to tell me what I know already that brought you here?' + +"'No,' ses he. 'I wanted to tell you that I dreamt of my mother's +people last night, and that always brings me good luck. So as 'tis a +fine hard frosty day, I'd like to go birdcatching in Fingal's Glen, +and catch a dozen linnets, half a dozen finches, and maybe a couple +of blackbirds and thrushes. But I haven't the makings of a sprig of +birdlime, or a crib, or a good singing bird to bring with me,' ses he. + +"'If that is all that's troubling you,' ses I, 'you have no longer +any cause to worry. I'll give you the box of birdlime that the bishop +himself made me a present of last Easter, and I'll give you the loan +of the best singing bird I have in the house, a linnet that would +put a nightingale or a prima donna to shame,' ses I. + +"And with that I handed him the box of birdlime that was made by the +best cobbler in Antrim, and I took down the linnet cage from over +the half door, and gave him that also. + +"And then ses I, 'Go your way and may God bless you, and if you can't +catch birds with my linnet and the bishop's birdlime, you might as +well go to America and try and convince the Irish-Americans that they +are not a bit better than the Irish at home.' + +"'Wisha, bad luck to their impudence,' ses he. 'What do they know +about the Irish at home?' + +"'The devil a hap'orth,' ses I. And then he put the cage under his +arm and ses: 'I wish I knew how to thank you for all your kindness, +and now I will trouble you for the loan of your topcoat, the fillings +of a pipe, and a box of matches. For 'tis frozen with the cold I'll be, +standing behind a furze bush waiting for a flock of linnets to rise, +so that I may throw myself down on my face and hands on the wet grass, +the way they wouldn't see me at all,' ses he. + +"'A good birdcatcher,' ses I, 'will always find a place where he will +be able to hide without throwing himself down on the wet grass or +soft earth. However, you are welcome to the loan of my old coat, and +I will make you a present of a plug of tobacco and a box of matches.' + +"So after he put on the coat, he walked away with his 'May the Lord +spare and protect you all the days of your life,' and a week passed +before he returned. I was eating my breakfast when he called, and as he +pushed open the half door with his 'God bless all here,' I up and ses: +'What luck?' ses I. + +"'Don't talk to me about luck,' ses he, as he placed the overcoat, +the box of birdlime, and the cage on a chair beside him. 'I'm the +happiest man alive,' ses he. + +"'I'm sorry to hear that,' ses I. + +"'And why, might I ask?' ses he. + +"'Well,' ses I, ''tis only selfish people who can be really +happy. Howsomever, let me hear what you have to say.' + +"'I caught a linnet with a crown of gold,' ses he. + +"'You did!' ses I. + +"'Yes, I did,' ses he. + +"'There must be a finch or a canary in the family then,' ses I. + +"'Maybe both,' ses he. + +"'How does he sing?' ses I. + +"'Sing!' ses he. 'Why, he never stops singing at all, only when the +twilight fades and the darkness comes from east and west, and north +and south, and the blackness of the night covers up the hills and +the valleys, the trees and the rivers, and the streams and the houses +themselves,' ses he. + +"'He must be a wonder,' ses I. + +"'A wonder he is surely,' ses he. 'He starts at five o'clock in the +morning and sings all day.' + +"'If that's so,' ses I, 'I'll be outside your door with my ear to +the keyhole at quarter to five, so that I can't miss the first note +to break the silence and tell us that day is come.' + +"'And herself is going to stay up all night, lest she might miss even +the flutter of his wings, when he wakes from his sleep,' ses Lareen. + +"Well, when the morrow came, I was at Lareen's door at the peep o' +day, listening to the sweetest music that was ever heard in town or +city, in lonely glen or by the cobbled seashore when the storm does be +raging and huge breakers dash themselves to pieces on the treacherous +rocks. Wonderful indeed was the song of the linnet with the crown of +gold, and musicians came from all parts of the world to hear him, +and all listened with great attention and took down in a book each +note as he uttered it. And when they returned home, they made operas, +oratorios, and symphonies from the melodies they heard in Lareen's +kitchen. And selections were made for the violin, 'cello, and organ, +and played at classical concerts where the well-fed fashionable people, +who have no more love for art or music than a tinker's donkey, pay for +being bored to death. And thus it was that the fame of Lareen's linnet +grew until the King of Spain heard all about him, and immediately he +sailed away from the shores of his native country with more money in +his pocket than all the kings of Europe could earn in ten thousand +years. And when, after a weary journey, he found himself seated by +the fire talking to Lareen, all of a sudden he up and ses: 'Lareen,' +ses he, 'I'll give you a golden guinea for every mistake you have +made since you came to the use of reason, if you will give me the +linnet with the crown of gold,' ses he. + +"'And did you accept his offer?' ses I. + +"'No, I did not,' ses he. + +"'You damn fool,' ses I. 'Sure, if you only got a half sovereign inself +for every mistake you made since you were born, you would have been +made a millionaire on the spot.' + +"'And how do you know I have made so many mistakes?' ses he. + +"'Why, you omadhaun,' ses I, 'don't you know as yet that nearly +everything we do is some kind of a mistake or other, but we don't +know it until we are told so by some one else?' + +"'I do not,' ses he. 'And I am just as well pleased that I don't.' + +"'And what did the king say when he heard your refusal?' ses I. + +"He took out his handkerchief and began to cry, and then ses he: +'I will give you your choice of a wife, and I will give you your +own way as long as you can stand it, if you will give me the linnet, +and I will make you a Knight of the Spade and Turnip besides.' + +"'Thank you kindly,' ses Lareen. 'But, not for all the women that +ever made fools of their husbands would I part with the linnet with +the crown of gold.' + +"So the king sailed away that night with sadness in his heart and tears +in his eyes, and 'twas said that he was never heard whistling anything +till the day he died but the song of the linnet with the crown of gold. + +"And then the King of Prussia came and ses to Lareen: 'There's going to +be a great war one day,' ses he, 'and if you will give me the linnet +with the golden crown, I will give you half of France, the whole of +Belgium, and maybe the Tower of London as well, when the war is over.' + +"'Don't count your chickens before they are hatched,' ses Lareen, +'and remember the gentleman who went to live on St. Helena after the +battle of Waterloo.' + +"'Oh, the spalpeen!' ses he. 'He was bound to be caught anyway, +because he overestimated his own importance.' + +"'Just like a good many more people who don't know it,' ses Lareen. + +"'So you won't give me the linnet?' ses the king. + +"'No,' ses Lareen. And with that the king shook his head and went +his way. + +"The next to come was the King of Japan. And he up and ses: 'There's +going to be great ructions on the other side of the Atlantic another +day, and if you will give me the linnet with the golden crown, I will +give you your choice of New York or Boston when the war is over.' + +"'And how are you going to land an army, might I ask?' ses Lareen. + +"'With the aid of the navy,' ses the king, with a smile. + +"'Bedad, I wonder if that ever occurred to America,' ses Lareen. + +"'I don't know, and what's more, I don't care,' ses the king. + +"'There's too much old talk about peace, I'm thinking,' ses Lareen. + +"'That's so,' ses the king. 'And talk by itself never did +anything. Why, man alive, there is no such thing as peace in the +world. The very people who advocate peace are always at cross-purposes +with some one else. Sure every thing that's alive fights, from the fish +in the sea to the birds of the air, and those who are not prepared +always gets the worst of it. A man with a gun is better than a man +with a blackthorn stick in his fist at any time, even though he might +be an Irishman inself,' ses he. + +"'And a small dog often leathered the devil out of a large dog when +he caught him unawares,' ses Lareen. + +"'Now you're talking sense,' ses the King. 'And 'tis only after a +fight that you can tell who is the better man. Life itself is a fight +from beginning to end, and when we cease fighting, well,' ses he, +'that's the end of us. But be all that as it may, what about giving +me the linnet?' + +"'I wouldn't part with him,' ses Lareen, 'for all the money in +the world.' + +"'Well,' ses the King, ''tis a great pity that you don't know you are +so foolish.' And with that he put on his hat, curled his moustache, +and walked out the door. + +"And every day brought some mighty monarch or other to Lareen's +cottage, and each and every one tried their very best to persuade +him to part with the linnet, but they all went as they came, because +Lareen was determined that he would never part with him until the +day of his death." + +"And what happened in the end?" said Padna. + +"One day, after the King of the Ballyallen Islands came and offered +all his wealth and possessions for the loan of the linnet to entertain +some of his wife's people at the Royal Palace during the Christmas +holidays, a large grey cat from the police sergeant's house across the +road tumbled the cage from the wall, opened the door, and golloped up +the linnet, with less ceremony than if he was a mouse or a cockroach." + +"And what happened then?" + +"Lareen killed the cat and made a fur cap with its skin and sent it +to the Czar of Russia to remind him to be kind to the poor musicians, +because there's nothing finer in the country than its music, except +its literature, of course," said Micus. + +"Lareen was a fool not to sell the linnet when he got the first good +offer. Any man who leaves opportunity slip between his fingers, so +to speak, is a fool, and the man who doesn't know what he likes is +the greatest fool of all. 'Pon my word, I don't know what to think +of half the people I hear about," said Padna. + +"Neither do I, but while the song of a bird and a sense of duty means +more for some than either money or glory, there's hope for the world," +said Micus. + +"Bedad, I don't doubt but there is," said Padna. + + + + + + +THE MAN WITH THE WOODEN LEG + + +"A man who loves nature and lives near the country need never be +lonesome," said Micus Pat to his friend Padna Dan, as they strolled +along a mountain road near the southwestern coast. + +"That's very true," said Padna. "And if a man owes a lot of money, he +has the consolation of knowing that he will not easily be forgotten." + +"Like every other man of poetic temperament, I think more about the +glories of nature, for they are both inspiring and incomprehensible, +than about what I owe, or the people who were good enough to oblige +me with the loan of money," said Micus. + +"'Tis real decent of you to say so, and you such a judge of everything +but your own idiosyncrasies," said Padna. + +"Look around and about you," said Micus, "from the north to the +south, and from the east to the west, and from the west again back to +the east, and from the south again to the north, and if you are not +impressed with the wonder and grandeur with which you are surrounded, +you might as well give up your life to reading the newspapers and +talking politics at the street corners." + +"Beauty confronts us at every turn. The saffron moon peeps through +the vista of pines on the distant hills, the sky is all ablaze with +twinkling stars, and not a sound is heard except that of my own voice, +and the creak of a toad in the rushes," said Padna. + +"I can hear, or I seem to hear," said Micus, "the rippling of a +brook as it joins the Owenacurra on its way to the sea, and it is +the sweetest of all music, because it is of nature's own making, +and more soothing to a troubled mind or a weary spirit than all the +melodies made by man." + +"I hear no sound but my own voice," said Padna. + +"Put your ear to the ground, and if you are not deaf you will hear the +maddening rush of the brook and the low murmuring of the Owenacurra +and the heart of the world itself beating," said Micus. + +"I will, then," said Padna, as he put his ear to the ground. + +"Well," said Micus, "do you hear anything?" + +"I hear the pulse of the earth." + +"Isn't it wonderful?" + +"'Tis wonderful, surely." + +"I knew you'd like it." + +"Sure 'tis myself always loves to walk alone by the seashore when +the world does be sleeping, and listen to the melancholy cry of the +sea lark and the curlew, and the soft splash of the waves against the +boulders on the beach on a dark night without any light at all, except +maybe the flash from the lightship, or the glow from the binnacle lamp +of some passing vessel, and she sailing over the seas with a cargo +of groundsel for the Emperor of Japan's linnets. There's an eeriness +about the night that creates an atmosphere of poetry and mystery, +the like of which we never experience in the most glorious sunshine, +even when we might be in love itself, and listening to the silvery +speech of the most beautiful woman in all the land," said Padna. + +"When a man is listening to the silvery speech of some lovely woman, +he never knows how expensive 'tis going to be for him afterwards." + +"The silvery speech of women is a magnificent thing, but their golden +silence is a more magnificent thing still." + +"That's true indeed, but let us forget all about the contrary creatures +for a little while, and I will tell you a story that the Emperor of +Russia would give his two thumbs and two little fingers to hear." + +"And what is it all about?" said Padna. + +"'Tis the story of a man with a wooden leg," said Micus. + +"Begin," said Padna. + +"Well," said Micus, as he filled his pipe, "as I was sauntering home +the other night, I dropped into the Half Way House to get a toothful +of something to keep out the cold, when lo and behold! who should +come in and flop down beside me but a one-legged sailor and he minus +an eye as well, and no more hair on his head than you'd find on a +yellow turnip. He was the first to speak, and he up and ses: 'Good +night, stranger,' ses he, as he poked the fire with his wooden leg, +and lit his pipe with a piece of his old straw hat. + +"'Good night kindly,' ses I. + +"''Tis a cold kind of night,' ses he. + +"'The devil of a cold night entirely,' ses I. + +"''Tis indeed,' ses he, 'and a bad night for a poor man who has +neither friends nor relations, or one to bother their heads about him, +or even the price of a drink inself.' + +"'If 'tis a drink you want,' ses I, 'all you have to do is to call +for it, and I will pay. What will you have?' ses I. + +"'I'll take all I can get for nothing, and give as little as I can +help in return. I'm a capitalist by temperament, but poor because I +didn't get a chance of exercising my talents,' ses he. + +"'I suppose you wouldn't say no to a glass of whiskey,' ses I. + +"'I'd say no to nothing except a black eye,' ses he. + +"'You couldn't afford to have an eye blackened, when you have only +one good eye already,' ses I. And then and there I treated him to +two glasses of whiskey, and when he had them swallowed, I up and ses: +'How did you lose your lamp?' meaning his eye, of course. + +"'In a duel with the King of Spain,' ses he. + +"'Glory be to the Lord!' ses I. 'All over a woman, I presume?' + +"'Of course,' ses he. And then the salt tears flowed down his sunken +cheeks and formed a pool on the floor. + +"'Tell me,' ses I, 'was she a very handsome woman?' + +"'She was the most beautiful woman in all the world,' ses he, +'except my seventh wife, who was more beautiful than Venus, herself.' + +"'And what happened to your seventh wife?' ses I. + +"'Oh, she was too fond of her own people, and they got her to do all +their washing and scrubbing, and never gave her a moment's rest until +they killed her with hard work. And then the devil blast the one of +them came to the funeral, and 'twas strangers that lowered her into +the grave, and no one but myself and the clergyman said a prayer for +the repose of her soul,' ses he. + +"'She was too good to be remembered, I suppose,' ses I. + +"'She was, God help us,' ses he. 'But my ninth wife wasn't either a +Venus or a Helen of Troy. She was so ugly that one day when we were +going over a bridge, the river stopped, and didn't begin to flow +again until she left the town.' + +"'You had a lot of wives,' ses I. + +"'Yes, I had a few, but 'tis a mistake to marry more than ten or +twelve times,' ses he. + +"Well, when I saw that his grief was getting the better of him, I ses: +'Let us not talk any more about your eye, but tell me how you lost +your leg, and I'll give you another glass of grog.' + +"'I never told that story to any one for less than three glasses of +grog and a small bottle of rum to bring home with me for the morning, +except one time I told it to the Shah of Persia for nothing, when he +promised me the hand of his favourite daughter in marriage.' + +"'Tell me the story, whatever 'twill cost,' ses I. + +"'All right,' ses he. And then he moved closer to the fire, and this +is what he told: + + + +"'It was a cold and stormy night in the long long ago. The thunder +rolled and the lightning flashed and the rain fell down in torrents. I +was aboard ship in the middle of the ocean; the stars and moon were +screened and not a light was seen except a glimmer from the port side +of another vessel labouring in the storm. Peal after peal of thunder +resounded until one thought that the gods of war on all the other +planets had gone mad, and were discharging their heavy artillery at +the earth, trying to shatter it to atoms. The canvas was torn from the +yards, and spar after spar fell, until nothing but the masts remained. + +"'And as the storm grew in intensity, the ship lurched and the masts +themselves fell, and crashed through her as though she was only made +of matchwood; and in their fall they killed as many as five and twenty +men at a time. And as the last mast made splinters of the deck house, +the good ship Nora Crena sank beneath the waves never to rise again. + +"'Not a soul was saved but myself, and in those days I was a great +swimmer, and I swam and swam until I found a piece of floating +wreckage, and clung to it the way you'd see a barnacle clinging +to the rocks. I remained that way for three days and three nights, +without a bit to eat or anything to read, and nothing to drink but +salt water. And sure I need not tell you that the more you'd drink +of that, the more thirsty you'd become. + +"'Well, at the end of the third night, I was cast up on a little +bit of a rock no larger than a stepmother's supper, and while I was +wondering how I could get a bit to eat or reach the shore in safety, +a large fish about the size of a shark, but much more refined and +respectable looking, came up from the depths of the sea, and as he came +ashore and sat beside me, he up and ses: "God bless all here," ses he. + +"'"And you too," ses I. + +"'"How are you feeling to-day?" ses he. + +"'"A good deal worse than yesterday," ses I. "Can't you see, you +foolish omadhaun, that I am all dripping wet from being saturated in +the waters of the briny deep, for this last three days and nights?" + +"'"That's nothing at all," ses he. "How would you like to be dripping +wet like myself for twenty years or more?" + +"'"Are you as old as all that?" ses I. + +"'"Every day of it, if not more. My poor mother, God help her, had +all our birthdays written down in a book, and she had us all called +after the saints of America. Originality was a weakness with her, +but now she's dead and gone, more's the pity!" ses he. + +"'"What did she die of?" ses I. "Too much old talk, maybe." + +"'"She didn't die a natural death at all, but was caught in a net +and sold to a fishmonger, the same as everyone belonging to me, +both young and old, and the list includes aunts and uncles, first and +second cousins, fathers-in-law and mothers-in-law, and they the first +blight on a man's happiness. And here I am now," ses he, "and I a poor +orphan and the last of my name and race." And then the tears began +to come to his eyes, and when he had stopped weeping he up and ses: +"Do you know," ses he, "that I'm a misanthrope?" + +"'"I'm not a bit surprised at that," ses I, "if, as you say, all +belonging to you were philanthropists, and gave up their lives for +the sustenance and maintenance of the people in the great world +beyond. Indiscriminate philanthropy like that would make a pessimist +of any one. Howsomever, things might be better or worse. You might +have been caught in a net yourself, and sold to a family of tinkers, +and I'm sure all your relations wouldn't bother their heads about +you, or care whether you were boiled or fried. They would logically +conclude that as they were so numerous, they could afford to lose at +least one of the family," ses I. + +"'"About that I haven't the remotest doubt," ses he. "But what I can't +understand is why some women will marry their husbands so that they +can help their own sisters' or brothers' children, as the case may be." + +"'"Well," ses I, "once women arrive at the age of indiscretion, +there's no use trying to understand them." + +"'"Of course," ses he, "the great trouble with women, I'm thinking, +is that they don't understand themselves or any one else, either." + +"'"Be all that and more as it may," ses I, "even the most foolish +women are well able to look after themselves. But old talk like this +would never get me home. And unless you will take me on your back and +swim with me to the shore, 'tis the way I'll be after dying both from +cold and starvation." + +"'"There was many a better man died from hunger," ses he. "And better +men have died from believing all their wives told them. Howsomever, +I will take you to the shore on one condition." + +"'"And what may that be?" ses I. + +"'"Well," ses he, "you must promise that you will never again taste +a piece of fish while you live." + +"'"Why, that's an easy matter," says I. "Sure, of course, I'll promise +you that much, or as much more if you like." + +"'"That's just like a coward," ses he. "A coward would promise anything +to save his skin, and make a promise as quickly as he'd break one." + +"'"I don't see for the life of me why you won't take the word of a +decent man," ses I. + +"'"Wisha, who told you that you were decent?" ses he. "Can't I see +and tell what you are by the shifty look in your eye. To be candid, +I wouldn't trust you as far as I'd throw you, and you with two +ferrety eyes, and they so close together that only a rogue, a thief, +a bla'guard, or a bully could own them, and one of them blind at that." + +"'"If you only knew how I lost that winker," ses I, "'tis the way +you'd be taking off your hat to me, and shaking hands with yourself +for having met the likes of me." + +"'"God knows," ses he, "there's no limit to the conceit of some and +the ignorance of others. I have eaten my dinner off men and women too, +that wouldn't recognise you at a dog fight. There was the King of +Himyumhama and his royal daughters, for instance, who were drowned +in the Skidderymackthomas. And there were two American millionaires +besides, and they as tender and as nourishing as a boiled chicken or +a porterhouse steak." + +"'"I bet you," ses I, "that you never ate Irish stew." + +"'"And who the devil would want to eat Irish stew but the +Chinese? Sure the Irish themselves never eat it. However," ses he, +"there's no use trying to convince me against my will. I'm a man of +fixed ideas, and people with fixed ideas are nearly as impossible as +women. Nevertheless, I suppose you are anxious to get to the shore, +and for that I don't blame you. Like us all, you carry your character +in your face, and I won't lose much by parting company with you. I'm +sorry all the same that you haven't an honest countenance, because a +face like yours would do you no more good among decent people than +letters of introduction in the United States of America, and they +are no more use to any one than the measles or the whooping cough." + +"'"Well," ses I, "don't you think you are talking too much and doing +too little?" + +"'"That may be. Sure, my poor father always told me I'd make a good +politician. Howsomever, sit up on my back, and I'll bring you safe +and sound to the shore." And without waiting to say as much as thank +you, or anything else, I jumped on his back, and he swam for a few +hundred yards, but, lo and behold you! all of a sudden he stopped and +turned around to me and ses: "Do you know what?" ses he. "I'm losing +confidence in you." + +"'"Indeed, then, is that so?" ses I. + +"'"Yes, it is then," ses he, "and the little bit of respect I had +for you in the beginning is nearly all gone." + +"'"Is there any way by which I can inspire confidence in you, at +all?" ses I. + +"'"I don't believe there is," ses he. "I'm a patriot and want to do +something for the race, besides making speeches about the achievements +of my ancestors and getting well paid for my pains, and getting all +my children and relations good jobs as well." + +"'"And what is it you want to do, at all?" ses I. + +"'"I want to make sure," ses he, "that you will keep your promise +never to eat fish again." + +"'"I will keep my promise," ses I. + +"'"I don't believe a word of it," ses he. "There's nobody forgotten +sooner than a good friend. But I'll make sure that you will remember +me, as the traveling salesman said to the landlady, when he ran away +without paying for his board and lodging." + +"'"'Tis true," ses I, "that we forget our friends when they cease +to be an advantage to us, and equally true that we lose respect for +our enemies when they cease to torment and persecute us, but all the +same I can't see why you won't finish your job, considering the good +start you have made." + +"'"I never pay any attention to flattery," ses he. "But whist. I have +an idea! I suppose you often heard tell of the law of compensation?" + +"'"Many and many a time," ses I. + +"'"All right then!" ses he. "You know, of course, that we must pay +a price for everything we get in this life, and some, they say, pay +in the other world as well. That being so, then you must pay for +your passage to the shore. And as I haven't had my breakfast yet, +I think you couldn't do better than forfeit one of your legs, and in +that way you would serve the double purpose of paying for your journey +and helping me to appease the pangs of hunger. And, besides, you will +be sure to remember me, and 'tis a matter for yourself whether you +will keep your promise or not." And then and there he did a double +somersault, and I fell into the water, and before I had realized what +had happened, my leg was bitten off. And while I tried to keep myself +afloat by hanging on to some seaweed, he up and ses: "Bedad," ses he, +"that was the nicest meal I had for many a long day. And I think +now that I like the Irish better than the French, Germans, Scotch, +Americans, or the Australians, and I have tasted them all." + +"'"How do you like the English?" ses I. + +"'"Don't talk to me about the English," ses he, "I wouldn't taste +one of them if I had to go hungry for ever, for the stupid way they +treated the Irish." + +"'"God knows then, in a way, I wouldn't blame you. But 'tis a queer +thing for you to leave me here to drown when you could carry me safely +to the shore." + +"'"Tell me, are you a Protestant?" ses he. + +"'"I am, God forgive me," ses I. + +"'"I am sorry for that," ses he. + +"'"And why?" ses I. + +"'"Well, I don't think I can carry you to the shore at all now,' +ses he. + +"'"How's that?" ses I. "Sure all the Protestants are fine, decent, +respectable people." + +"'"They think they are," ses he. "But who's to know whether they +are or not? The Protestants would eat fish every day of the week, +if they could get it, but the Catholics will only eat it on Fridays, +and wouldn't eat it then if they could help it. And moreover, the +Protestants have all the good jobs in Ireland and the United States, +but for choice, 'tis a Freemason I'd be myself, if I could." + +"'"That's not the question at all," ses I. "Are you, or are you not, +going to bring me to the shore?" + +"'"Well, I'm about sick and tired of you now, anyway," ses he, "so +sit up on my back, and I'll land you at the Old Head of Kinsale." And +sure enough he kept his word, and I was landed high and dry on the +rocks of my native parish in less time than you'd take to lace your +shoe. And all he said as he went his way was: "Good-by, now, and +don't forget all I told you. I have an invitation to lunch at the +Canary Islands, and I'll be late if I don't hurry." And with that, +he plunged beneath a breaker, and that was the last I ever saw of +the fish who ate my leg off, and made me a cripple for life." + +"'And did you keep your promise?' ses I to the man with the wooden leg, +when he had finished his story." + +"'No,' ses the man with the wooden leg, 'but instead, I swore ten +thousand holy oaths that I would eat nothing but fish, if I lived +to be as old as Batty Hayes's old goat. And that's why I am always +so thirsty.'" + + + +"Bedad, but that's a queer story, surely," said Padna. "I suppose +the fish would have eaten his other leg off, only it might spoil his +appetite for lunch." + +"Very likely," said Micus. + +"Well, I don't believe I could beat that for a yarn," said Padna. + +"I wouldn't try, if I were you," said Micus. + + + + + + +THE HERMIT OF THE GROVE + + +"What do you think of the weather?" said Padna Dan to Micus Pat, +as he leaned over the half-door, and looked up at the sky. + +"Oh," said Micus, as he struck a match on the heel of his shoe, +"I think we will have a fine day, that's if it don't either rain or +snow. And snow and rain inself is better than a drought, that would +parch the whole countryside, and bleach every blade of grass in the +fields as white as linen." + +"The two things in life you can never depend on," said Padna, "are +women and the weather. But as the hermit of Deirdre's Grove said +to me the other day, when I happened upon him as he was strolling +about looking for something he never lost: 'Every season,' ses he, +'has its own particular charm, and we all have our faults as well as +our virtues.' + +"And what kind of a man was he at all, to be looking for something +he never lost?" said Micus. + +"He was a man just like one of ourselves. Sure that's what we all +do, from the day we open our eyes until we close them again upon the +world," said Padna. + +"I never knew that there was a hermit in Deirdre's Grove," said Micus. + +"Neither did I," said Padna, "until one day last week when I went +looking for hazel-nuts for the grandchildren, and I came upon a man +of strange appearance, and he with long flowing beard, dark black +curly hair, and a physique surpassing anything I have seen for many a +day. His general demeanour was very impressive indeed, and a kindly +look lit up his well-chiseled face. As I approached him, I wondered +what manner of man he was, but he was first to break the silence. And +what he said was: 'Good morrow, stranger,' ses he. + +"'Good morrow and good luck,' ses I. + +"'May the blessing of God be with you,' ses he. + +"'May the blessing of God be with us all,' ses I. + +"'Amen to that,' ses he. + +"'Amen, amen!' ses I. + +"'Would you mind telling me what day of the year is it, and what year +of the century is it, if you please?' ses he. + +"'I can easily tell you that,' ses I, 'but I couldn't tell you the +time of day if you were to make me as gay as a sprite, as blithe as +a lark, and as nimble and fresh as a hare in the month of March. This +is St. Crispin's Day,' ses I, 'and every shoemaker in Christendom who +knows how to enjoy himself will be as drunk as a lord before the sun +goes down.' + +"'I wouldn't blame them for getting drunk,' ses he, 'for hammering +on the sole of a shoe from daylight to dark is no way for a man to +enjoy himself. But now,' ses he, 'if you want to know the time of day, +I can tell you that.' + +"'Of course, I'd like to know the time of day,' ses I. + +"'All right,' ses he, 'come along.' And then we walked to a +sun-splashed glade, and he looked up at the sun itself, and turned +to me, and ses, with the greatest gentleness: ''Tis just a quarter +to twelve,' ses he. + +"'That's a wonderful clock you have,' ses I. + +"''Tis the most wonderful clock in all the world, and never once ran +down since it was set a-going long ago before Adam was a boy,' ses he. + +"'But 'tisn't every one can tell you the time of day by it,' ses I. + +"'I know that,' ses he. 'And 'tisn't every one who can tell you all +the other things they should know, and 'tisn't every one who can +forget all the things not worth remembering,' ses he. + +"'That's true,' ses I, 'and if we could only remember all that is good +for us, and forget all that is bad for us, we needn't go to any one +for advice. But we either remember too much, or forget too much, and +that's why there is so much discontent and trouble everywhere. However, +be that as it may, I'd like to know how you manage to enjoy yourself +in this eerie place without any one to keep you company,' ses I. + +"'I don't want company,' ses he, 'because I came here to get rid +of myself.' + +"'Are you a married man?' ses I. + +"'No,' ses he, 'I escaped.' + +"'That's a strange state of affairs,' ses I. 'Sure I always thought +that the only way a man could get rid of himself was to get lost, so +to speak, in the highways and byways of matrimony, and that he would +be so busy trying to please his wife and children that he wouldn't +have any time to think of himself.' + +"'There are more ways of killing a dog than by making him commit +suicide,' ses he. + +"'That's so,' ses I. 'And there are more ways of getting drunk than +paying for what you drink. And many a man can't feel natural at all, +until he is so blind drunk that he don't know what he does be saying.' + +"'Yes,' ses he, 'and a man might live without working if he could +get any one to support him. But no matter what happens, time and +the world rolls by as indifferently as though there was nothing +worth bothering about. And after all,' ses he, 'what is the world +but a whirling mass of inconsistencies, and everything changes but +man. He has no more sense now than ever he had. And more's the pity, +for women are as deceitful as ever.' + +"'But you haven't told me how you succeeded in getting rid of +yourself?' ses I. + +"'Well,' ses he, 'I only got rid of myself, in a measure, of course, +by escaping from the thralls of convention, and coming to live the +life of a recluse in this shady and lonely grove. And while I am here, +'tis consoling to know that I cannot injure anybody by doing them +good turns, nor can I be of any assistance to them by being their +enemies. A decent enemy,' ses he, 'oftentimes is worth ten thousand +friends, who would only do you a kindness for the sake of talking +about it afterwards. But the best and most charitable way to behave +towards those who try to injure you is to treat them one and all with +silent contempt. That will hurt them more than anything else. The +tongue may cut like a scissors, but silence gives the deepest wound.' + +"'That was well spoken for a lonely man,' ses I. + +"'There are worse things than loneliness,' ses he, 'and, strictly +speaking, we never feel really lonesome until we find ourselves in +the midst of a crowd. And we are never in better company than when +we take our place among the trees of a glorious forest like this, +where nature has so plentifully bestowed her choicest gifts. I never +felt lonesome since I left the noise of the cities behind me, and +as I lie awake on my couch at night, I ever long for the morning, so +that I may hear the birds on the wing and the birds on the branches +singing their praises to the Lord. Aye, and I never tire of watching +the rabbit and the weasel, the fox and the hare, or listening to the +droning of the bee,' ses he. + +"'To live close to and feel the divine influence of nature must be a +wonderful thing surely, but I am sorry to say that 'tis the ugly in +nature that interests me more than anything else, and the sting of +a bee or a mosquito affects me more than the beauty of the sunset,' +ses I. + +"'Why, man alive,' ses he, 'there's nothing ugly in nature. And +the sting of an insect, like the slur of a friend, is a thing to +be forgotten and not remembered. But for all that, insects with the +capacity for causing annoyance have their uses. And those who never +lift their eyes to the skies, so to speak, to look at other worlds +than their own, will never feel lonesome while they have bees, wasps, +and mosquitoes to torment them.' + +"''Tis the devil of a thing,' ses I, 'when you come to think of it, +that man can never really enjoy himself. When his wife or daughters, +as the case may be, stop nagging at him, his friends commence to turn +on him, or the wild animals of the earth, such as bugs and mosquitoes, +will try to drive him to desperation.' + +"'Very true, indeed,' ses he, 'but we must cultivate patience in +all things, and self-control as well, if we want to be comparatively +happy.' + +"'Patience,' ses he, 'is the next best thing to stupidity. And 'tis +nothing more nor less than an infinite capacity for taking pains.' + +"'And what's genius then?' ses I. + +"'Genius,' ses he, 'is the blossom of inspiration.' + +"'I am beginning at long last,' ses I, 'to see some of the advantages +of being a recluse. It makes a man think more than pleases those who +disagree with him.' + +"'You are still a novice at philosophy,' ses he, 'and when you can +understand why people won't associate with others, you will know why +they keep to themselves.' + +"'Oh,' ses I, 'I always want to be with my friends, and live as +comfortably as I can. But evidently you don't care where you live, +or how you live.' + +"'Well,' ses he, 'I live in the present, the past, and the future, +and though I dwell in a hut at the foot of the hills beyond, I +am as happy as a cow in clover. And if all the water in the ocean +was to be turned into whiskey, and if all the fish and the Sunday +excursionists were to drink themselves to death, I don't believe +that 'twould interfere with my comfort. I have all I want,' ses he, +'and I know it, and that's the only time a man can be happy.' + +"'And why don't you write a poem?' ses I. + +"'I live one,' ses he, 'and that's much better. I love the rustle +of the leaves and every sound in the woods. All that grows and lives +and dies interests and inspires me. And the only thing that makes me +sad is that I am not a vegetarian. But,' ses he, 'I'd be one in the +morning if I could get as much satisfaction from eating a handful of +hazel-nuts, or a few skeeories or blackberries, as from feasting on +a roast partridge.' + +"'And that,' ses I, 'just goes to prove that we would all be decent +if our decency wouldn't interfere with our happiness. Nevertheless, +a man who can drift away from his fellow men and live alone in a wood +must be the descendant of some ancient line of kings, or else he must +be one of those highly civilized people we read about in books. Or +perhaps a species of snob who cannot see the difference between his +own foolishness and the foolishness of others. Such a one usually +thinks he is better than his equals and his superiors as well.' + +"'Very often,' ses he, 'when nature makes one man better than another, +he thinks 'tis his privilege to make others as bad as himself, so +to speak. And to be a success, a man must be a snob of some kind, +or else have no more brains than a herring.' + +"'Snobbery is the greatest of all virtues, because it makes us feel +better than we are. Take the Protestants, for instance,' ses I. + +"'Snobbery is an inheritance with them,' ses he. 'And 'twas they +brought democracy to America. And what, after all, is democracy but +the highest form of snobocracy? It begets self-deception in us all, +and makes the beggar think he is as good as the king, and the fool +think he is as good as the scholar. Aye,' ses he, 'and it makes +the monied vulgarian think he is as good as those who only tolerate +him. Democracy only gives the downtrodden an opportunity of becoming +snobs. 'Tis true, of course,' ses he, 'that the aristocracy couldn't +exist only for the common people, and the common people couldn't +learn the art of snobbery only for the aristocracy.' + +"'But good breeding will always show in a man,' ses I. + +"'Yes,' ses he, 'but some are too well bred to be mannerly, and others +are too mannerly to be just merely polite. Politeness can be acquired,' +ses he, 'but good manners must be born with us. The most ignorant +and ill-bred are oftentimes the most polite class of people. And you +don't have to spend a year with a man to know whether or not he is a +gentleman. The very good manners of some is the most offensive thing +about them.' + +"''Tis wonderful astuteness of observation, you have entirely,' ses I, +'and I think it is a shame for a man with your insight to be wasting +your time in this dreary grove, when you could be giving pleasure +and instruction to the poor and ignorant in the outer world.' + +"'Why should I spoil the happiness of the ignorant?' ses he. 'What, +might I ask, has the world gained by two thousand years of +culture? What is the use of educating people who at a moment's notice +will go to the wars and slaughter each other for the sake of pleasing +the kings and rulers of Christendom?' + +"'I'm afraid you are a selfish man,' ses I. + +"'Without a tinge of selfishness no man is any good,' ses he. + +"'And don't you do anything at all for others?' ses I. + +"'Oh, yes,' ses he. "I keep out of their way, and you don't know +what a kindness that is. Those who don't bore me,' ses he, 'I bore +them. And that is one of the reasons why I keep so much to myself.' + +"'And why don't you keep a record of all your thoughts and write them +down in a book?' ses I. + +"'I might be hanged, drawn and quartered, and beheaded besides, if +I were to do that. But, nevertheless, I have preserved a few stray +thoughts that may help to amuse the ignorant after I am dead and gone,' +ses he. + +"'Where are they?' ses I. + +"'They are written in large letters on the trees of the grove,' +ses he. And then he took my arm, and we walked from tree to tree, +and as we went our way, we read as follows: + + + +"'A democrat is one who is sorry that he is not an aristocrat, and +an aristocrat is a snob, and doesn't know it. + +"'If you think long enough, you will discover that such a thing as +equality could never exist, because we all imagine we are better or +worse than some one else. + +"'People who don't think before marriage learn to do so after, but +better late than never. + +"'If our friends were as generous as we would wish them to be, we +would have no respect for their foolishness. + +"'Flies never frequent empty jam-pots, but money always brings friends. + +"'The man who seeks a bubble reputation in the newspapers must always +keep reminding the public that he doesn't want to be forgotten. + +"'It is no easy matter to praise ourselves without abusing others, +or to abuse others without praising ourselves. + +"'Speech is a blessing to those who have not the courage to carry +out their threats. + +"'Any fool can smash the shell of an egg into ten thousand pieces, +but who can put it together again? + +"'When a man takes a false step, he must suffer the consequences, +and if he is sensible, he will do so cheerfully. + +"'Many say all the things they should be content with thinking, +and brilliance, within limits, often only leads to chaos. + +"'Congenital stupidity is such a potent factor with most of us that +we never know our limitations until we examine our mistakes. + +"'Most people are led through life while thinking they are leaders. + +"'if we could only see half the comedy of life, we would become +pessimists. + +"'The man who could be spoilt by success would not be saved by +adversity. + +"'The great are not always humble, and the humble are not always great. + +"'Silence is often more the sign of stupidity than wisdom. + +"'We can keep our enemies by continuing to treat them badly, and lose +our friends by treating them too well. + +"'Wisdom after the event is only repentance.'" + + + +"Bedad," said Micus, "he knew a thing or two." + +"No doubt about it," said Padna. + +"And 'twas by writing down his thoughts on the bark of trees that he +spent his time," said Micus. + +"Yes," said Padna. "And 'tis better a man should write down his +thoughts, and then forget them, than to leave them die in his mind, +or maybe eat into his heart and send him to an early grave." + +"Many a man went to his grave for saying too much," said Micus. + +"And many a man went to his grave for saying nothing at all," +said Padna. + + + + + + +THE KING OF GOULNASPURRA + + +"The cold has left the breeze, the lonely moon sails over the hills, +bats are on the wing, the owl rests on the barn door, the badger is +gone in search of his prey, the otter scurries through the stream, +and the nightingale with his rich, melodious note fills the air with +sweetness," said Padna to his friend Micus. + +"It is a glorious night for a ramble," said Micus, "and as we have +nothing to do, we might as well take a stroll through the woods, +and we may find something to talk about. I too like to watch the +moon wandering all alone through the sky at the dead of the night, +and no one to keep her company but the stars, and they no company +for any one but the poets themselves." + +"And the poets are the best company in the whole world," said Padna, +"except the dead and they that can't do an injury to any one at +all. However, the moon does be kept busy throwing light on a troubled +world, and sometimes as she floats through the sky I seem to see a +blush on her face as though she was shocked at the badness that steals +into the hearts of the young and the old at the close of day. Night +is the time that the Devil has his fling, and evil lurks behind +everything that is beautiful and enchanting. When there is no moon +in the sky, badness does be everywhere, and there does be trembling +in every innocent heart until the darkness of night is dispelled by +the rising sun, and the first chirrup of the birds is heard, and the +cock's shrill crow tells us that day is come." + +"The power and majesty of the sun is astounding. With a grace and a +gentleness beyond compare, he closes the door of night and greets the +waking world with a smile. And the man who can find pleasure looking +at the moon in a starry sky should be as happy as a king upon his +throne," said Micus. + +"Kings," said Padna, "are expensive ornaments, but they are not always +happy, if what we hear is true. And the only difference between a +king and an ordinary poor man, like one of ourselves, is that we must +pay for what we eat, whereas kings get paid for eating, drinking, +carousing, and doing what they please." + +"The real difference between a king and the common man is a lot +of brassy buttons, a high hat with an ostrich plume in it maybe, +a silver sword at his side, gold buckles on his shoes, and a few +medals on his breast," said Micus. + +"And what does a king want a sword for?" said Padna. + +"You might as well ask me what do we want kings for, and why they get +so much for all the things they don't do. And sure, you wouldn't know a +king from any other man if you saw him in his nightshirt. Kingship is +the easiest of all professions and the hardest of all trades, because +once a man is a king he has no chance of getting a rest until some +one fires a bomb at his head or puts poison in his tea," said Micus. + +"Well," said Padna, "there is a compensation in all things, and when +a man is not fit for anything else, it is a good job for him that he +can be a king." + +"I suppose," said Micus, "you never heard tell of the King of +Goulnaspurra?" + +"I did not," said Padna. "Who the blazes was he?" + +"He was a distant relation of my own on the wife's side, and so called +because he was the best man in a town of two dozen inhabitants," +said Micus. + +"And what did he do for a living at all?" said Padna. + +"He was a mason by trade, and 'tis said that he built more ditches +than all the kings in Christendom put together, and there wasn't a +better birdcatcher in the whole country than himself. Well, after he +had worked some forty years or more in all kinds of weather, he found +himself at last on the flat of his back in the Poorhouse Hospital, +and no better to look at than an old sweeping brush worn to the stump +and kept in the back yard for beating the dogs. And there he remained +pining away like a snowball in the sun, until one day the doctor, +who wanted a little exercise and diversion, approached him and ses: +'Good morrow, Malachi, King of Goulnaspurra,' ses he. + +"'Good morrow kindly and good luck,' ses Malachi. 'What's the best +news to-day?' + +"'Oh,' ses the doctor, 'the poor are thought as little about as ever, +and the same friendly relations exist between the clergy and the rich.' + +"'God forgive the clergy for their respectability. It spoils some to +make gentlemen of them,' ses Malachi. + +"'That's true,' ses the doctor, 'but now as regards yourself, I want +to tell you that you needn't worry about looking for a job any more, +because you will either be above with St. Patrick and his chums by +this day week, or somewhere else. It all depends on how you behaved +yourself.' + +"'Won't you take a chair and sit down for awhile?' ses Malachi. 'That's +the first bit of strange news I have had since I heard that England +made the discovery that the most stupid thing she ever did was to +treat the Irish badly.' + +"'Thanks for your kind offer,' ses the doctor, 'but I am in a hurry +to-day. I think that I prescribed arsenic instead of olive oil for one +of my patients in Tipperary last week. So I must go and see how he is +getting along, and if I don't get there in time to cure him inself, +I'll be in time for the funeral, though 'tis against the rules of my +profession to attend the funerals of your patients, whether you are +responsible or not for their death. But 'tis all the same to us. We +get paid anyway.' + +"'Olive oil is good for the hair, I believe,' ses the King of +Goulnaspurra, 'and they say 'tis a cure for a toothache also.' + +"'Olive oil is all right in its way,' ses the doctor, 'but there's +nothing like a good drop of whiskey on a cold night if you are not +feeling well.' + +"'Now,' ses Malachi, 'with reference to that little matter, I mean my +journey to the land of the mighty dead; all I can say is that 'tis +better a man should die when he is out of employment like myself, +than die when he has a good job. But as we must all die some time, +there is no reason why we shouldn't emulate the ancient philosophers, +when we are no more use to ourselves or any one else, and shuffle off +this mortal coil by drinking our health, so to speak, in a glass of +hemlock. Life, anyway,' ses he, 'is a feast for some, a famine for +others, and a puzzle to all. Some think so little about it that they +are dead before they realize what has happened, and others don't know +that they are alive at all until they are married. Howsomever,' ses he, +'our own affairs are always interesting to ourselves, so I must now +make my will before I die.' And then and there he asked for pen, ink, +and paper, and this is what he wrote: + + + "'I, Malachi, King of Goulnaspurra, bequeath the hard earnings of + years of trials and tribulations for the purchase of a stained + glass window with my name at the end of it, to be placed in the + village church so that those who didn't give a traneen about + me when I was alive, including the clergy themselves, may think + kindly of me when I am dead. + + "'To my son and heir, Henry Joseph Michael John Dorgan, Crown + Prince of Goulnaspurra, I bequeath, in recognition of his + indifference to me while I lived, one shilling and sixpence, + and the Devil's blessing which is commonly called the curse of + Cromwell. Besides, I am also desirous that he should inherit + my bad temper, bad habits, rheumatics, gout, and all the other + hereditary complaints of the family. + + "'To my first cousin Padeen Dooley, the King of Ballinadurraka, + I bequeath my large hand trowel and hammer, and to the Emperor of + Japan I bequeath all my old clothes, either to be used by himself + after the invasion of his country by the suffragettes, or to be + placed in a museum with other kingly relics, after freedom of + speech has killed monarchy. To the clergy I bequeath an abundance + of good wishes to be distributed liberally among the poor, so that + they may thrive on them in the absence of anything better. To + the needy people of all nations, I bequeath the privileges of + the army and navy in times of war, and to everyone in general I + bequeath all they can get from their friends for nothing.' + + +"And with that he laid down his pen, closed his eyes, and so passed +to the land of no returning Malachi Dorgan, King of Goulnaspurra," +said Micus. + + + + + + + By the author of + "The Whale and the Grasshopper and Other Fables" + + DUTY, and Other Irish Comedies + + By SEUMAS O'BRIEN + + Frontispiece portrait. 12mo. $1.25 net. + + +The rich Irish humor and the delightful philosophy of Seumas O'Brien +are to be found in the five one-act comedies that make up this +volume just as they are ever present in his fiction. "Duty," which is +probably the best known of his dramatic work, was performed with great +success by the Irish players during their American tour in 1914. The +others are entitled "Magnanimity," "Jurisprudence," "Retribution," +and "Matchmakers." All of them are notable for hilarious situations, +clever character drawing, and bright dialogue, some of it so delicious +as to bear comparison with the talk of Thomas Hardy's country folk. + + "In Seumas O'Brien I believe that America has found a new humorist + of popular sympathies, a rare observer and philosopher whose very + absurdities have a persuasive philosophy of their own."--Edward + J. O'Brien in the Boston Transcript. + + + LITTLE, BROWN & CO., Publishers + + 34 Beacon Street, Boston + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Whale and the Grasshopper, by Seumas O'Brien + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WHALE AND THE GRASSHOPPER *** + +***** This file should be named 37301.txt or 37301.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/3/0/37301/ + +Produced by Jeroen Hellingman and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net/ for Project +Gutenberg (This file was produced from images generously +made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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