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diff --git a/3728-h/3728-h.htm b/3728-h/3728-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a0dce7 --- /dev/null +++ b/3728-h/3728-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,11530 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<HTML> +<HEAD> + +<META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<TITLE> +The Project Gutenberg E-text of The Getting of Wisdom, by Henry Handel Richardson +</TITLE> + +<STYLE TYPE="text/css"> +BODY { color: Black; + background: White; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; + text-align: justify } + +P {text-indent: 4% } + +P.noindent {text-indent: 0% } + +P.poem {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: small } + +P.letter {text-indent: 0%; + font-size: small ; + margin-left: 10% ; + margin-right: 10% } + +P.finis { font-size: larger ; + text-align: center ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +</STYLE> + +</HEAD> + +<BODY> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Getting of Wisdom, by Henry Handel Richardson + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Getting of Wisdom + +Author: Henry Handel Richardson + +Posting Date: June 20, 2009 [EBook #3728] +Release Date: February, 2003 +First Posted: October 10, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GETTING OF WISDOM *** + + + + +Produced by Col Choat. HTML version by Al Haines. + + + + + +</pre> + + +<BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +The Getting of Wisdom +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +by +</H3> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +Henry Handel Richardson +</H2> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> + TO MY<BR> + UNNAMED<BR> + LITTLE COLLABORATOR<BR> +</H3> + +<BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + Wisdom is the principal thing;<BR> + therefore get wisdom: and with<BR> + all thy getting get understanding.<BR> +<BR> +Proverbs, iv, 7 +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<TABLE ALIGN="center" WIDTH="90%"> +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap01"> I</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap02"> II</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap03"> III</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap04"> IV</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap05"> V</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap06"> VI</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap07"> VII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap08"> VIII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap09"> IX</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="10%"> +<A HREF="#chap10"> X</A> +</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap11"> XI</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap12"> XII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap13"> XIII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap14"> XIV</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap15"> XV</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap16"> XVI</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap17"> XVII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap18"> XVIII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap19"> XIX</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap20"> XX</A> +</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap21"> XXI</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap22"> XXII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap23"> XXIII</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap24"> XXIV</A> +</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap25"> XXV</A> +</TD> +</TR> + +</TABLE> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap01"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I. +</H3> + +<P> +The four children were lying on the grass. +</P> + +<P> +"... and the Prince went further and further into the forest," said the +elder girl, "till he came to a beautiful glade—a glade, you know, is a +place in the forest that is open and green and lovely. And there he saw +a lady, a beautiful lady, in a long white dress that hung down to her +ankles, with a golden belt and a golden crown. She was lying on the +sward—a sward, you know, is grass as smooth as velvet, just like green +velvet—and the Prince saw the marks of travel on her garments. The +bottom of the lovely silk dress was all dirty——" +</P> + +<P> +"Wondrous Fair, if you don't mind you'll make that sheet dirty, too," +said Pin. +</P> + +<P> +"Shut up, will you!" answered her sister who, carried away by her +narrative, had approached her boots to some linen that was bleaching. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, but you know Sarah'll be awfly cross if she has to wash it +again," said Pin, who was practical. +</P> + +<P> +"You'll put me out altogether," cried Laura angrily.—"Well, as I said, +the edge of her robe was all muddy—no, I don't think I will say that; +it sounds prettier if it's clean. So it hung in long, straight +beautiful folds to her ankles, and the Prince saw two little feet in +golden sandals peeping out from under the hem of the silken gown, +and——" +</P> + +<P> +"But what about the marks of travel?" asked Leppie. +</P> + +<P> +"Donkey! haven't I said they weren't there? If I say they weren't, then +they weren't. She hadn't travelled at all." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, parrakeets!" cried little Frank. +</P> + +<P> +Four pairs of eyes went up to the bright green flock that was passing +over the garden. +</P> + +<P> +"Now you've all interrupted, and I shan't tell any more," said Laura in +a proud voice. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes, please do, Wondrous Fair! Tell what happened next," begged +Pin and Leppie. +</P> + +<P> +"No, not another word. You can only think of sheets and parrakeets." +</P> + +<P> +"Please, Wondrous Fair," begged little Frank. +</P> + +<P> +"No, I can't now.—Another thing: I don't mind if you call me Laura +to-day, as it's the last day." +</P> + +<P> +She lay back on the grass, her hands clasped under her head. A voice +was heard, loud, imperative. +</P> + +<P> +"Laura, I want you. Come here." +</P> + +<P> +"That's mother calling," said Pin. +</P> + +<P> +Laura kicked her heels. The two little boys laughed approval. +</P> + +<P> +"Go on, Laura," coaxed Pin. "Mother'll be angry. I'll come, too." +</P> + +<P> +Laura raised herself with a grumble. "It's to try on that horrid dress." +</P> + +<P> +In very fact Mother was standing, already somewhat impatient, with the +dress in her hand. Laura wriggled out of the one she had on, and stood +stiffly and ungraciously, with her arms held like pokers from her +sides, while Mother on her knees arranged the length. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't put on a face like that, miss!" she said sharply on seeing +Laura's air. "Do you think I'm making it for my own pleasure?" She had +sewn at it all day, and was hot and tired. +</P> + +<P> +"It's too short," said Laura, looking down. +</P> + +<P> +"It's nothing of the kind," said Mother, with her mouth full of pins. +</P> + +<P> +"It is, it's much too short." +</P> + +<P> +Mother gave her a slight shake. "Don't you contradict ME! Do you want +to tell me I don't know what length you're to wear your dresses?" +</P> + +<P> +"I won't wear it at all if you don't make it longer," said Laura +defiantly. +</P> + +<P> +Pin's chubby, featureless little face lengthened with apprehension. +</P> + +<P> +"Do let her have it just a tiny bit longer, mother dear, dear!" she +pleaded. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, Pin, what have you got to do with it I'd like to know!" said +Mother, on the verge of losing her temper over the back folds, which +WOULD not hang. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm going to school to-morrow, and it's a shame," said Laura in the +low, passionate tone that never failed to exasperate Mother, so +different was it from her own hearty fashion of venting displeasure. +Pin began to sniff, in sheer nervous anxiety. +</P> + +<P> +"Very well then, I won't do another stitch to it!" and Mother, now +angry in earnest, got up and bounced out of the room. +</P> + +<P> +"Laura, how can you?" said Pin, dissolving. "It's only you who make her +so cross." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care," said Laura rebelliously, though she was not far off +tears herself. "It IS a shame. All the other girls will have dresses +down to the tops of their boots, and they'll laugh at me, and call me a +[P.4] baby;" and touched by the thought of what lay before her, she, +too, began to sniffle. She did not fail, however, to roll the dress up +and to throw it unto a corner of the room. She also kicked the ewer, +which fell over and flooded the floor. Pin cried more loudly, and ran +to fetch Sarah. +</P> + +<P> +Laura returned to the garden. The two little boys came up to her; but +she waved them back. +</P> + +<P> +"Let me alone, children. I want to think." +</P> + +<P> +She stood in a becoming attitude by the garden-gate, her brothers +hovering in the background.—Then Mother called once more. +</P> + +<P> +"Laura, where are you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Here, mother. What is it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Did you knock this jug over or did Pin?" +</P> + +<P> +"I did, mother." +</P> + +<P> +"Did you do it on purpose?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes." +</P> + +<P> +"Come here to me." +</P> + +<P> +She went, with lagging steps. But Mother's anger had passed: she was at +work on the dress again, and by squinting her eyes Laura could see that +a piece was being added to the skirt. She was penitent at once; and +when Mother in a sorry voice said: "I'm ashamed of you, Laura. And on +your last day, too," her throat grew narrow. +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't mean it, mother." +</P> + +<P> +"If only you would ask properly for things, you would get them." +</P> + +<P> +Laura knew this; knew indeed that, did she coax, Mother could refuse +her nothing. But coaxing came hard to her; something within her forbade +it. Sarah called her "high-stomached", to the delight of the other +children and her own indignation; she had explained to them again and +again what Sarah really meant. +</P> + +<P> +On leaving the house she went straight to the flower-beds: she would +give Mother, who liked flowers very well but had no time to gather +them, a bouquet the size of a cabbage. Pin and the boys were summoned +to help her, and when their hands were full, Laura led the way to a +secluded part of the garden on the farther side of the detached brick +kitchen. In this strip, which was filled with greenery, little sun +fell: two thick fir trees and a monstrous blue-gum stood there; high +bushes screened the fence; jessamine climbed the wall of the house and +encircled the bedroom windows; and on the damp and shady ground only +violets grew. Yet, with the love children bear to the limited and +compact, the four had chosen their own little plots here rather than in +the big garden at the back of the house; and many were the times they +had all begun anew to dig and to rake. But if Laura's energy did not +fizzle out as quickly as usual—she was the model for the rest—Mother +was sure to discover that it was too cramped and dark for them in +there, and send Sarah to drive them off. +</P> + +<P> +Here, safely screened from sight, Laura sat on a bench and made up her +bouquet. When it was finished—red and white in the centre with a +darker border, the whole surrounded by a ring of violet leaves—she +looked about for something to tie it up with. Sarah, applied to, was +busy ironing, and had no string in the kitchen, so Pin ran to get a +reel of cotton. But while she was away Laura had an idea. Bidding +Leppie hold the flowers tight in both his sticky little hands, she +climbed in at her bedroom window, or rather, by lying on the sill with +her legs waving in the air, she managed to grab, without losing her +balance, a pair of scissors from the chest of drawers. With these +between her teeth she emerged, to the excited interest of the boys who +watched her open-mouthed. +</P> + +<P> +Laura had dark curls, Pin fair, and both wore them flapping at their +backs, the only difference being that Laura, who was now twelve years +old, had for the past year been allowed to bind hers together with a +ribbon, while Pin's bobbed as they chose. Every morning early, Mother +brushed and twisted, with a kind of grim pride, these silky ringlets +round her finger. Although the five odd minutes the curling occupied +were durance vile to Laura, the child was proud of her hair in her own +way; and when in the street she heard some one say: "Look—what pretty +curls!" she would give her head a toss and send them all a-rippling. In +addition to this, there was a crowning glory connected with them: one +hot December morning, when they had been tangled and Mother had kept +her standing too long, she had fainted, pulling the whole +dressing-table down about her ears; and ever since, she had been marked +off in some mysterious fashion from the other children. Mother would +not let her go out at midday in summer: Sarah would say: "Let that be, +can't you!" did she try to lift something that was too heavy for her; +and the younger children were to be quelled by a threat to faint on the +spot, if they did not do as she wished. "Laura's faint" had become a +byword in the family; and Laura herself held it for so important a fact +in her life that she had more than once begun a friendship with the +words: "Have you ever fainted? I have." +</P> + +<P> +From among these long, glossy curls, she now cut one of the longest and +most spiral, cut it off close to the root, and with it bound the +flowers together. Mother should see that she did know how to give up +something she cared for, and was not as selfish as she was usually +supposed to be. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh .. h .. h!" said both little boys in a breath, then doubled up in +noisy mirth. Laura was constantly doing something to set their young +blood in amazement: they looked upon her as the personification of all +that was startling and unexpected. But Pin, returning with the reel of +thread, opened her eyes in a different way. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Laura ...!" she began, tearful at once. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, res'vor!" retorted Laura scornfully—"res'vor" was Sarah's name +for Pin, on account of her perpetual wateriness. "Be a cry-baby, do." +But she was not damped, she was lost in the pleasure of self-sacrifice. +</P> + +<P> +Pin looked after her as she danced off, then moved submissively in her +wake to be near at hand should intercession be needed. Laura was so +unsuspecting, and Mother would be so cross. In her dim, childish way +Pin longed to see these, her two nearest, at peace; she understood them +both so well, and they had little or no understanding for each +other.—So she crept to the house at her sister's heels. +</P> + +<P> +Laura did not go indoors; hiding against the wall of the flagged +verandah, she threw her bouquet in at the window, meaning it to fall on +Mother's lap. +</P> + +<P> +But Mother had dropped her needle, and was just lifting her face, +flushed with stooping, when the flowers hit her a thwack on the head. +She groped again, impatiently, to find what had struck her, recognised +the peace-offering, and thought of the surprise cake that was to go +into Laura's box on the morrow. Then she saw the curl, and her face +darkened. Was there ever such a tiresome child? What in all the world +would she do next? +</P> + +<P> +"Laura, come here, directly!" +</P> + +<P> +Laura had moved away; she was not expecting recognition. If Mother were +pleased she would call Pin to put the flowers in water for her, and +that would be the end of it. The idea of a word of thanks would have +made Laura feel uncomfortable. Now, however, at the tone of Mother's +voice, her mouth set stubbornly. She went indoors as bidden, but was +already up in arms again. +</P> + +<P> +"You're a very naughty girl indeed!" began Mother as soon she appeared. +"How dare you cut off your hair? Upon my word, if it weren't your last +night I'd send you to bed without any supper!"—an unheard-of threat on +the part of Mother, who punished her children in any way but that of +denying them their food. "It's a very good thing you're leaving home +to-morrow, for you'd soon be setting the others at defiance, too, and I +should have four naughty children on my hands instead of one.— But I'd +be ashamed to go to school such a fright if I were you. Turn round at +once and let me see you!" +</P> + +<P> +Laura turned, with a sinking heart. Pin cried softly in a corner. +</P> + +<P> +"She thought it would please you, mother," she sobbed. +</P> + +<P> +"I WILL not have you interfering, Pin, when I'm speaking to Laura. +She's old enough by now to know what I like and what I don't," said +Mother, who was vexed at the thought of the child going among strangers +thus disfigured.—"And now get away, and don't let me see you again. +You're a perfect sight." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Laura, you do look funny!" said Leppie and Frank in weak chorus, +as she passed them in the passage. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you 'ave made a guy of yourself this time, Miss Laura, and no +mistake!" said Sarah, who had heard the above. +</P> + +<P> +Laura went into her own room and locked the door, a thing Mother did +not allow. Then she threw herself on the bed and cried. Mother had not +understood in the least; and she had made herself a sight into the +bargain. She refused to open the door, though one after another rattled +the handle, and Sarah threatened to turn the hose in at the window. So +they left her alone, and she spent the evening in watery dudgeon on her +pillow. But before she undressed for the night she stealthily made a +chink and took in the slice of cake Pin had left on the door-mat. Her +natural buoyancy of spirit was beginning to reassert itself. By +brushing her hair well to one side she could cover up the gap, she +found; and after all, there was something rather pleasant in knowing +that you were misunderstood. It made you feel different from everyone +else. +</P> + +<P> +Mother—sewing hard after even the busy Sarah had retired—Mother +smiled a stern little smile of amusement to herself; and before locking +up for the night put the dark curl safely away. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap02"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +II. +</H3> + +<P> +Laura, sleeping flat on her stomach, was roused next morning by Pin who +said: +</P> + +<P> +"Wake up, Wondrous Fair, mother wants to speak to you. She says you can +get into bed in my place, before you dress." Pin slept warm and cosy at +Mother's side. +</P> + +<P> +Laura rose on her elbow and looked at her sister: Pin was standing in +the doorway holding her nightgown to her, in such a way as to expose +all of her thin little legs. +</P> + +<P> +"Come on," urged Pin. "Sarah's going to give me my bath while you're +with mother." +</P> + +<P> +"Go away, Pin," said Laura snappily. "I told you yesterday you could +say Laura, and ... and you're more like a spider than ever." +</P> + +<P> +"Spider" was another nickname for Pin, owed to her rotund little body +and mere sticks of legs—she was "all belly" as Sarah put it—and the +mere mention of it made Pin fly; for she was very touchy about her legs. +</P> + +<P> +As soon as the door closed behind her, Laura sprang out of bed and, +waiting neither to wash herself nor to say her prayers, began to pull +on her clothes, confusing strings and buttons in her haste, and quite +forgetting that on this eventful morning she had meant to dress herself +with more than ordinary care. She was just lacing her shoes when Sarah +looked in. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, Miss Laura, don't you know your ma wants you?" +</P> + +<P> +"It's too late. I'm dressed now," said Laura darkly. +</P> + +<P> +Sarah shook her head. "Missis'll be fine an' angry. An' you needn't +'ave 'ad a row on your last day." +</P> + +<P> +Laura stole out of the door and ran down the garden to the +summer-house. This, the size of a goodly room, was formed of a single +dense, hairy-leafed tree, round the trunk of which a seat was built. +Here she cowered, her elbows on her knees, her chin in her hands. Her +face wore the stiff expression that went by the name of "Laura's +sulks," but her eyes were big, and as watchful as those of a scared +animal. If Sarah came to fetch her she would hold on to the seat with +both hands. But even if she had to yield to Sarah's greater +strength—well, at least she was up and dressed. Not like the last +time—about a week ago Mother had tried this kind of thing. Then, she +had been caught unawares. She had gone into Pin's warm place, curious +and unsuspecting, and thereupon Mother had begun to talk seriously to +her, and not with her usual directness. She had reminded Laura that she +was growing up apace and would soon be a woman; had told her that she +must now begin to give up childish habits, and learn to behave in a +modest and womanly way—all disagreeable, disturbing things, which +Laura did not in the least want to hear. When it became clear to her +what it was about, she had thrown back the bedclothes and escaped from +the room. And since then she had been careful never to be long alone +with Mother. +</P> + +<P> +But now half an hour went by and no one came to fetch her: her grim +little face relaxed. She felt very hungry, too, and when at length she +heard Pin calling, she jumped up and betrayed her hiding-place. +</P> + +<P> +"Laura! Laura, where are you? Mother says to come to breakfast and not +be silly. The coach'll be here in an hour." +</P> + +<P> +Taking hands the sisters ran to the house. +</P> + +<P> +In the passage, Sarah was busy roping a battered tin box. With their +own hands the little boys had been allowed to paste on this a big sheet +of notepaper, which bore, in Mother's writing, the words: +</P> + +<P> +Miss Laura Tweedle Rambotham The Ladies' College Melbourne. +</P> + +<P> +Mother herself was standing at the breakfast-table cutting sandwiches. +</P> + +<P> +"Come and eat your breakfast, child," was all she said at the moment. +"The tea's quite cold." +</P> + +<P> +Laura sat down and fell to with appetite, but also with a side-glance +at the generous pile of bread and meat growing under Mother's hands. +</P> + +<P> +"I shall never eat all that," she said ungraciously; it galled her +still to be considered a greedy child with an insatiable stomach. +</P> + +<P> +"I know better than you do what you'll eat," said Mother. "You'll be +hungry enough by this evening I can tell you, not getting any dinner." +</P> + +<P> +Pin's face fell at this prospect. "Oh, mother, won't she really get any +dinner?" she asked: and to her soft little heart going to school began +to seem one of the blackest experiences life held. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, she'll be in the train, stupid, 'ow can she?" said Sarah. "Do you +think trains give you dinners?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, mother, please cut ever such a lot!" begged Pin sniffing valiantly. +</P> + +<P> +Laura began to feel somewhat moved herself at this solicitude, and +choked down a lump in her throat with a gulp of tea. But when Pin had +gone with Sarah to pick some nectarines, Mother's face grew stern, and +Laura's emotion passed. +</P> + +<P> +"I feel more troubled about you than I can say, Laura. I don't know how +you'll ever get on in life—you're so disobedient and self-willed. It +would serve you very well right, I'm sure, for not coming this morning, +if I didn't give you a penny of pocket-money to take to school." +</P> + +<P> +Laura had heard this threat before, and thought it wiser not to reply. +Gobbling up the rest of her breakfast she slipped away. +</P> + +<P> +With the other children at her heels she made a round of the garden, +bidding good-bye to things and places. There were the two summer-houses +in which she had played house; in which she had cooked and eaten and +slept. There was the tall fir-tree with the rung-like branches by which +she had been accustomed to climb to the very tree-top; there was the +wilderness of bamboo and cane where she had been Crusoe; the ancient, +broadleaved cactus on which she had scratched their names and drawn +their portraits; here, the high aloe that had such a mysterious charm +for you, because you never knew when the hundred years might expire and +the aloe burst into flower. Here again was the old fig tree with the +rounded, polished boughs, from which, seated as in a cradle, she had +played Juliet to Pin's Romeo, and vice versa—but oftenest Juliet: for +though Laura greatly preferred to be the ardent lover at the foot, Pin +was but a poor climber, and, as she clung trembling to her branch, +needed so much prompting in her lines—even then to repeat them with +such feeble emphasis—that Laura invariably lost patience with her and +the love-scene ended in a squabble. Passing behind a wooden fence which +was a tangle of passion-flower, she opened the door of the fowl-house, +and out strutted the mother-hen followed by her pretty brood. Laura had +given each of the chicks a name, and she now took Napoleon and +Garibaldi up in her hand and laid her cheek against their downy +breasts, the younger children following her movements in respectful +silence. Between the bars of the rabbit hutch she thrust enough +greenstuff to last the two little occupants for days; and everywhere +she went she was accompanied by a legless magpie, which, in spite of +its infirmity, hopped cheerily and quickly on its stumps. Laura had +rescued it and reared it; it followed her like a dog; and she was only +less devoted to it than she had been to a native bear which died under +her hands. +</P> + +<P> +"Now listen, children," she said as she rose from her knees before the +hutch. "If you don't look well after Maggy and the bunnies, I don't +know what I'll do. The chicks'll be all right. Sarah'll take care of +them, 'cause of the eggs. But Maggy and the bunnies don't have eggs, +and if they're not fed, or if Frank treads on Maggy again, then they'll +die. Now if you let them die, I don't know what I'll do to you! Yes, I +do: I'll send the devil to you at night when the room's dark, before +you go to sleep.—So there!" +</P> + +<P> +"How can you if you're not here?" asked Leppie. +</P> + +<P> +Pin, however, who believed in ghosts and apparitions with all her +fearful little heart, promised tremulously never, never to forget; but +Laura was not satisfied until each of them in turn had repeated, in a +low voice, with the appropriate gestures, the sacred secret, and +forbidden formula: +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + Is my finger wet?<BR> + Is my finger dry?<BR> + God'll strike me dead,<BR> + If I tell a lie.<BR> +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +Then Sarah's voice was heard calling, and the boys went out into the +road to watch for the coach. Laura's dressing proved a lengthy +business, and was accomplished amid bustle, and scolding, and little +peace-making words from Pin; for in her hurry that morning Laura had +forgotten to put on the clean linen Mother had laid beside the bed, and +consequently had now to strip to the skin. +</P> + +<P> +The boys announced the coming of the coach with shrill cries, and +simultaneously the rumble of wheels was heard. Sarah came from the +kitchen drying her hands, and Pin began to cry. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, shut up, res'vor!" said Sarah roughly: her own eyes were moist. +"You don't see Miss Laura be such a silly-billy. Anyone 'ud think you +was goin', not 'er." +</P> + +<P> +The ramshackle old vehicle, one of Cobb's Royal Mail Coaches, +big-bodied, lumbering, scarlet, pulled by two stout horses, drew up +before the door, and the driver climbed down from his seat. +</P> + +<P> +"Now good day to you, ma'am, good day, miss"—this to Sarah who, +picking up the box, handed it to him to be strapped on under the apron. +"Well, well, and so the little girl's goin' to school, is she? My, but +time flies! Well do I remember the day ma'am, when I drove you all +across for the first time. These children wasn't big enough then to git +up and down be thimselves. Now I warrant you they can—just look at +'em, will you?—But my! Ain't you ashamed of yourself"—he spoke to +Pin—"pipin' your eye like that? Why, you'll flood the road if you +don't hould on.—Yes, yes, ma'am, bless you, I'll look after her, and +put her inter the train wid me own han's. Don't you be oneasy. The Lord +he cares for the widder and the orphun, and if He don't, why Patrick +O'Donnell does." +</P> + +<P> +This was O'Donnell's standing joke; he uttered it with a loud chuckle. +While speaking he had let down the steps and helped the three children +up—they were to ride with Laura to the outskirts of the township. The +little boys giggled excitedly at his assertion that the horses would +not be equal to the weight. Only Pin wept on, in undiminished grief. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, Miss Laura." +</P> + +<P> +"Now, Laura. Good-bye, darling. And do try and be good. And be sure you +write once a week. And tell me everything. Whether you are happy—and +if you get enough to eat—and if you have enough blankets on your bed. +And remember always to change your boots if you get your feet wet. And +don't lean out of the window in the train." +</P> + +<P> +For some time past Laura had had need of all her self-control, not to +cry before the children. As the hour drew near it had grown harder and +harder; while dressing, she had resorted to counting the number of +times the profile of a Roman emperor appeared in the flowers on the +wallpaper. Now the worst moment of all was come—the moment of +good-bye. She did not look at Pin, but she heard her tireless, snuffly +weeping, and set her own lips tight. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, mother ... no, mother," she answered shortly, "I'll be all right. +Good-bye." She could not, however, restrain a kind of dry sob, which +jumped up her throat. +</P> + +<P> +When she was in the coach Sarah, whom she had forgotten climbed up to +kiss her; and there was some joking between O'Donnell and the servant +while the steps were being folded and put away. Laura did not smile; +her thin little face was very pale. Mother's heart went out to her in a +pity which she did not know how to express. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't forget your sandwiches. And when you're alone, feel in the +pocket of your ulster and you'll find something nice. Good-bye, +darling." +</P> + +<P> +"Good-bye ... good-bye." +</P> + +<P> +The driver had mounted to his seat, he unwound the reins cried "Get +up!" to the two burly horses, the vehicle was set in motion and +trundled down the main street. Until it turned the corner by the Shire +Gardens, Laura let her handkerchief fly from the window. Sarah waved +hers; then wiped her eyes and lustily blew her nose. Mother only sighed. +</P> + +<P> +"It was all she could do to keep up," she said as much to herself as to +Sarah. "I do hope she'll be all right. She seems such a child to be +sending off like this. Yet what else could I do? To a State School, +I've always said it, my children shall never go—not if I have to beg +the money to send them elsewhere." +</P> + +<P> +But she sighed again, in spite of the energy of her words, and stood +gazing at the place where the coach had disappeared. She was still a +comparatively young woman, and straight of body; but trouble, poverty +and night-watches had scored many lines on her forehead. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you worry," said Sarah. "Miss Laura'll be all right. She's just +a bit too clever—brains for two, that's what it is. An' children WILL +grow up an' get big ... an' change their feathers." She spoke absently, +drawing her metaphor from a brood of chickens which had strayed across +the road, and was now trying to mount the wooden verandah—"Shooh! Get +away with you!" +</P> + +<P> +"I know that. But Laura—The other children have never given me a +moment's worry. But Laura's different. I seem to get less and less able +to manage her. If only her father had been alive to help!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sure no father livin' could do more than you for those blessed +children," said Sarah with impatience. "You think of nothin' else. It +'ud be a great deal better if you took more care o' yourself. You sit +up nights an' don't get no proper sleep slavin' away at that blessed +embroid'ry an' stuff, so as Miss Laura can get off to school an' to 'er +books. An' then you want to worry over 'er as well.—She'll be all +right. Miss Laura's like peas. You've got to get 'em outer the +pod—they're in there sure enough. An' b'sides I guess school'll knock +all the nonsense out of 'er." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I hope they won't be too hard on her," said Mother in quick +alarm.—"Shut the side gate, will you. Those children have left it open +again.—And, Sarah, I think we'll turn out the drawing-room." +</P> + +<P> +Sarah grunted to herself as she went to close the gate. This had not +entered into her scheme of work for the day, and her cooking was still +undone. But she did not gainsay her mistress, as she otherwise would +have made no scruple of doing; for she knew that nothing was more +helpful to the latter in a crisis than hard, manual work. Besides, +Sarah herself had a sneaking weakness for what she called "dra'in'-room +days". For the drawing-room was the storehouse of what treasures had +remained over from a past prosperity. It was crowded with bric-a-brac +and ornament; and as her mistress took these objects up one by one, to +dust and polish them, she would, if she were in a good humour, tell +Sarah where and how they had been bought, or describe the places they +had originally come from: so that Sarah, pausing broom in hand to +listen, had with time gathered some vague ideas of a country like +"Inja", for example, whence came the little silver "pagody", and the +expressionless brass god who squatted vacantly and at ease. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap03"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +III. +</H3> + +<P> +As long as the coach rolled down the main street Laura sat bolt upright +at the window. In fancy she heard people telling one another that this +was little Miss Rambotham going to school. She was particularly glad +that just as they went past the Commercial Hotel, Miss Perrotet, the +landlord's red-haired daughter, should put her fuzzy head out of the +window—for Miss Perrotet had also been to boarding-school, and thought +very highly of herself in consequence, though it had only been for a +year, to finish. At the National Bank the manager's wife waved a +friendly hand to the children, and at the Royal Mail Hotel where they +drew up for passengers or commissions, Mrs. Paget, the stout landlady, +came out, smoothing down her black satin apron. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, I'm sure I wonder your ma likes sendin' you off so alone." +</P> + +<P> +The ride had comforted Pin a little; but when they had passed the chief +stores and the flour-mill, and were come to a part of the road where +the houses were fewer, her tears broke out afresh. The very last house +was left behind, the high machinery of the claims came into view, the +watery flats where Chinamen were for ever rocking washdirt in cradles; +and O'Donnell dismounted and opened the door. He lifted the three out +one by one, shaking his head in humorous dismay at Pin, and as little +Frank showed sighs of beginning, too, by puckering up his face and +[P.22] doubling up his body, the kindly man tried to make them laugh by +asking if he had the stomach-ache. Laura had one more glimpse of the +children standing hand in hand—even in her trouble Pin did not forget +her charges—then a sharp bend in the road hid them from her sight. +</P> + +<P> +She was alone in the capacious body of the coach, alone, and the proud +excitement of parting was over. The staunchly repressed tears welled up +with a gush, and flinging herself down across the seat she cried +bitterly. It was not a childishly irresponsible grief like Pin's: it +was more passionate, and went deeper; and her overloaded feelings were +soon relieved. But as she was not used to crying, she missed the moment +at which she might have checked herself, and went on shedding tears +after they had become a luxury. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, goodness gracious, what's this?" cried a loud, cheerful and +astonished voice, and a fat, rosy face beamed in on Laura. "Why, here's +a little girl in here, cryin' fit to break 'er heart. Come, come, my +dear, what's the matter? Don't cry like that, now don't." +</P> + +<P> +The coach had stopped, the door opened and a stout woman climbed in, +bearing a big basket, and followed by a young man with straw-coloured +whiskers. Laura sat up like a dart and pulled her hat straight, crimson +with mortification at being discovered in such a plight. She had +instantly curbed her tears, but she could not disguise the fact that +she had red eyes and a swollen nose—that she was in short what Sarah +called "all bunged up". She made no reply to the newcomer's +exclamations, but sat clutching her handkerchief and staring out of the +window. The woman's good-natured curiosity, however, was not to be done. +</P> + +<P> +"You poor little thing, you!" she persisted. "Wherever are you goin', +my dear, so alone?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm going to boarding-school," said Laura, and shot a glance at the +couple opposite. +</P> + +<P> +"To boardin'-school? Peter! D'you hear?—Why, whatever's your ma +thinkin' of to send such a little chick as you to boardin'-school? ... +and so alone, too." +</P> + +<P> +Laura's face took on a curious air of dignity. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not so very little," she answered; and went on to explain, in +phrases which she had heard so often that she knew them by heart: "Only +small for my age. I was twelve in spring. And I have to go to school, +because I've learnt all I can at home." +</P> + +<P> +This failed to impress the woman. +</P> + +<P> +"Snakes alive!—that's young enough in all conscience. And such a +delicate little creature, too. Just like that one o' Sam MacFarlane's +that popped off last Christmas—isn't she, Peter?" +</P> + +<P> +Peter, who avoided looking at Laura, sheepishly mumbled something about +like enough she was. +</P> + +<P> +"And who IS your ma, my dear? What's your name?" continued her +interrogator. +</P> + +<P> +Laura replied politely; but there was a reserve in her manner which, +together with the name she gave, told enough: the widow, Laura's +mother, had the reputation of being very "stuck-up", and of bringing up +her children in the same way. +</P> + +<P> +The woman did not press Laura further; she whispered something behind +her hand to Peter, then searching in her basket found a large, red +apple, which she held out with an encouraging nod and smile. +</P> + +<P> +"Here, my dear. Here's something for you. Don't cry any more, don't +now. It'll be all right." +</P> + +<P> +Laura, who was well aware that she had not shed a tear since the couple +entered the coach, coloured deeply, and made a movement, half shy, half +unwilling, to put her hands behind her. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh no, thank you," she said in extreme embarrassment, not wishing to +hurt the giver's feelings. "Mother doesn't care for us to take things +from strangers." +</P> + +<P> +"Bless her soul!" cried the stout woman in amaze. "It's only an apple! +Now, my dear, just you take it, and make your mind easy. Your ma +wouldn't have nothin' against it to-day, I'm sure o' that—goin' away +so far and all so alone like this.—It's sweet and juicy." +</P> + +<P> +"It's Melb'm you'll be boun' for I dessay?" said the yellow-haired +Peter so suddenly that Laura started. +</P> + +<P> +She confirmed this, and let her solemn eyes rest on him wondering why +he was so red and fidgety and uncomfortable. The woman said: "Tch, tch, +tch!" at the length of the journey Laura was undertaking, and Peter, +growing still redder, volunteered another remark. +</P> + +<P> +"I was nigh to bein' in Melb'm once meself," he said. +</P> + +<P> +"Aye, and he can't never forget it, the silly loon," threw in the +woman, but so good-naturedly that it was impossible, Laura felt, for +Peter to take offence. +</P> + +<P> +She gazed at the pair, speculating upon the relation they stood in to +each other. She had obediently put out her hand for the apple, and now +sat holding it, without attempting to eat it. It had not been Mother's +precepts alone that had weighed with her in declining it; she was +mortified at the idea of being bribed, as it were, to be good, just as +though she were Pin or one of the little boys. It was a punishment on +her for having been so babyish as to cry; had she not been caught in +the act, the woman would never have ventured to be so familiar.—The +very largeness and rosiness of the fruit made it hateful to her, and +she turned over in her mind how she could get rid of it. +</P> + +<P> +As the coach bumped along, her fellow-passengers sat back and shut +their eyes. The road was shadeless; beneath the horses' feet a thick +red dust rose like smoke. The grass by the wayside, under the scattered +gum trees or round the big black boulders that dotted the hillocks, was +burnt to straw. In time, Laura also grew drowsy, and she was just +falling into a doze when, with a jerk, the coach pulled up at the +"Halfway House." Here her companions alighted, and there were more nods +and smiles from the woman. +</P> + +<P> +"You eat it, my dear. I'm sure your ma won't say nothin'," was her last +remark as she pushed the swing-door and vanished into the house, +followed by Peter. +</P> + +<P> +Then the driver's pleasant face appeared at the window of the coach. In +one hand he held a glass, in the other a bottle of lemonade. +</P> + +<P> +"Here, little woman, have a drink. It's warm work ridin'." +</P> + +<P> +Now this was quite different from the matter of the apple. Laura's +throat was parched with dust and tears. She accepted the offer +gratefully, thinking as she drank how envious Pin would be, could she +see her drinking bottle-lemonade. +</P> + +<P> +Then the jolting and rumbling began anew. No one else got in, and when +they had passed the only two landmarks she knew—the leprous Chinaman's +hut and the market garden of Ah Chow, who twice a week jaunted at a +half-trot to the township with his hanging baskets, to supply people +with vegetables—when they had passed these, Laura fell asleep. She +wakened with a start to find that the coach had halted to apply the +brakes, at the top of the precipitous hill that led down to the railway +township. In a two-wheeled buggy this was an exciting descent; but the +coach jammed on both its brakes, moved like a snail, and seemed hardly +able to crawl. +</P> + +<P> +At the foot of the hill the little town lay sluggish in the sun. +Although it was close on midday, but few people were astir in the +streets; for the place had long since ceased to be an important mining +centre: the chief claims were worked out; and the coming of the railway +had been powerless to give it the impetus to a new life. It was always +like this in these streets of low, verandahed, red-brick houses, always +dull and sleepy, and such animation as there was, was invariably to be +found before the doors of the many public-houses. +</P> + +<P> +At one of these the coach stopped and unloaded its goods, for an +interminable time. People came and looked in at the window at Laura, +and she was beginning to feel alarmed lest O'Donnell, who had gone +inside, had forgotten all about her having to catch the train, when out +he came, wiping his lips. +</P> + +<P> +"Now for the livin' luggage!" he said with a wink, and Laura drew back +in confusion from the laughter of a group of larrikins round the door. +</P> + +<P> +It was indeed high time at the station; no sooner was her box dislodged +and her ticket taken than the train steamed in. O'Donnell recommended +her to the guard's care; she shook hands with him and thanked him, and +had just been locked into a carriage by herself when he came running +down the platform again, holding in his hand, for everyone to see, the +apple, which Laura believed she had safely hidden under the cushions of +the coach. Red to the roots of her hair she had to receive it before a +number of heads put out to see what the matter was, and she was even +forced to thank O'Donnell into the bargain. Then the guard came along +once more, and told her he would let no one get in beside her: she need +not be afraid. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes. And will you please tell me when we come to Melbourne." +</P> + +<P> +Directly the train was clear of the station, she lowered a window and, +taking aim at a telegraph post, threw the apple from her with all her +might. Then she hung out of the window, as far out as she could, till +her hat was nearly carried off. This was the first railway journey she +had made by herself, and there was an intoxicating sense of freedom in +being locked in, alone, within the narrow compass of the compartment. +She was at liberty to do everything that had previously been forbidden +her: she walked up and down the carriage, jumped from one seat to +another, then lay flat on her back singing to herself, and watching the +telegraph poles fly past the windows, and the wires mount and +descend.—But now came a station and, though the train did not stop, +she sat up, in order that people might see she was travelling alone. +</P> + +<P> +She grew hungry and attacked her lunch, and it turned out that Mother +had not provided too much after all. When she had finished, had brushed +herself clean of crumbs and handled, till her finger-tips were sore, +the pompous half-crown she had found in her pocket, she fell to +thinking of them at home, and of what they would now be doing. It was +between two and three o'clock: the sun would be full on the flagstones +of the back verandah; inch by inch Pin and Leppie would be driven away +to find a cooler spot for their afternoon game, while little Frank +slept, and Sarah splashed the dinner-dishes in the brick-floored +kitchen. Mother sat sewing, and she would still be sitting there, still +sewing, when the shadow of the fir tree, which at noon was shrunken +like a dwarf, had stretched to giant size, and the children had opened +the front gate to play in the shade of the public footpath.—At the +thought of these shadows, of all the familiar things she would not see +again for months to come, Laura's eyelids began to smart. +</P> + +<P> +They had flashed through several stations; now they stopped; and her +mind was diverted by the noise and bustle. As the train swung into +motion again, she fell into a pleasanter line of thought. She painted +to herself, for the hundredth time, the new life towards which she was +journeying, and, as always, in the brightest colours. +</P> + +<P> +She had arrived at school, and in a spacious apartment, which was a +kind of glorified Mother's drawing-room, was being introduced to a bevy +of girls. They clustered round, urgent to make the acquaintance of the +newcomer, who gave her hand to each with an easy grace and an +appropriate word. They were too well-bred to cast a glance at her +clothes, which, however she might embellish them in fancy, Laura knew +were not what they ought to be: her ulster was some years old, and so +short that it did not cover the flounce of her dress, and this dress, +and her hat with it, were Mother's taste, and consequently, Laura felt +sure, nobody else's. But her new companions saw that she wore these +clothes with an elegance that made up for their shortcomings; and she +heard them whisper: "Isn't she pretty? What black eyes! What lovely +curls!" But she was not proud, and by her ladylike manners soon made +them feel at home with her, even though they stood agape at her +cleverness: none of THEM could claim to have absorbed the knowledge of +a whole house. With one of her admirers she had soon formed a +friendship that was the wonder of all who saw it: in deep respect the +others drew back, forming a kind of allee, down which, with linked +arms, the two friends sauntered, blind to everything but +themselves.—And having embarked thus upon her sea of dreams, Laura set +sail and was speedily borne away. +</P> + +<P> +"Next station you'll be there, little girl." +</P> + +<P> +She sprang up and looked about her, with vacant eyes. This had been the +last stoppage, and the train was passing through the flats. In less +than two minutes she had collected her belongings, tidied her hair and +put on her gloves. +</P> + +<P> +Some time afterwards they steamed in alongside a gravelled platform, +among the stones of which a few grass-blades grew. This was Melbourne. +At the nearer end of the platform stood two ladies, one stout and +elderly in bonnet and mantle, with glasses mounted on a black stick, +and shortsighted, peering eyes; the other stout and comely, too, but +young, with a fat, laughing face and rosy cheeks. Laura descried them a +long way off; and, as the carriage swept past them, they also saw her, +eager and prominent at her window. Both stared at her, and the younger +lady said something, and laughed. Laura instantly connected the remark, +and the amusement it caused the speaker, with the showy red lining of +her hat, at which she believed their eyes had been directed. She also +realised, when it was too late, that her greeting had been childish, +unnecessarily effusive; for the ladies had responded only by nods. Here +were two thrusts to parry at once, and Laura's cheeks tingled. But she +did not cease to smile, and she was still wearing this weak little +smile, which did its best to seem easy and unconcerned, when she +alighted from the train. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap04"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +IV. +</H3> + +<P> +The elderly lady was Laura's godmother; she lived at Prahran, and it +was at her house that Laura would sometimes spend a monthly holiday. +Godmother was good to them all in a brusque, sharp-tongued fashion; but +Pin was her especial favourite and she made no secret of it. Her +companion on the platform was a cousin of Laura's, of at least twice +Laura's age, who invariably struck awe into the children by her loud +and ironic manner of speech. She was an independent, manly person, in +spite of her plump roundnesses; she lived by herself in lodgings, and +earned her own living as a clerk in an office. +</P> + +<P> +The first greetings over, Godmother's attention was entirely taken up +by Laura's box: after this had been picked out from among the other +luggage, grave doubts were expressed whether it could be got on to the +back seat of the pony-carriage, to which it was conveyed by a porter +and the boy. Laura stood shyly by and waited, while Cousin Grace kept +up the conversation by putting abrupt and embarrassing questions. +</P> + +<P> +"How's your ma?" she demanded rather than asked, in the slangy and +jocular tone she employed. "I guess she'll be thanking her stars she's +got rid of you;" at which Laura smiled uncertainly, not being sure +whether Cousin Grace spoke in jest or earnest. +</P> + +<P> +"I suppose you think no end of yourself going to boarding-school?" +continued the latter. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh no, not at all," protested Laura with due modesty; and as both at +question and answer Cousin Grace laughed boisterously, Laura was glad +to hear Godmother calling: "Come, jump in. The ponies won't stand." +</P> + +<P> +Godmother was driving herself—a low basket-carriage, harnessed to two +buff-coloured ponies. Laura sat with her back to them. Godmother +flapped the reins and said: "Get up!" but she was still fretted about +the box, which was being held on behind by the boy. An inch larger, she +asserted, and it would have had to be left behind. Laura eyed its +battered sides uneasily. Godmother might remember, she thought, that it +contained her whole wardrobe; and she wondered how many of Godmother's +own ample gowns could be compressed into so small a space. +</P> + +<P> +"All my clothes are inside," she explained; "that I shall need for +months." +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, I expect your poor mother has sat up sewing herself to death, that +you may be as well dressed as the rest of them," said Godmother, and +heaved a doleful sigh. But Cousin Grace laughed the wide laugh that +displayed a mouthful of great healthy teeth. +</P> + +<P> +"What? All your clothes in there?" she cried. "I say! You couldn't be a +queen if you hadn't more togs than that." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I know," Laura hastened to reply, and grew very red. "Queens need +a lot more clothes than I've got." +</P> + +<P> +"Tut, tut!" said Godmother: she did not understand the allusion, which +referred to a former ambition of Laura's. "Don't talk such nonsense to +the child." +</P> + +<P> +She drove very badly, and they went by quiet by-streets to escape the +main traffic: the pony-chaise wobbled at random from one side of the +road to the other, obstacles looming up only just in time for Godmother +to see them. The ponies shook and tossed their heads at the constant +sawing of the bits, and Laura had to be continually ducking, to keep +out of the way of the reins. She let the unfamiliar streets go past her +in a kind of dream; and there was silence for a time, broken only by +Godmother's expostulations with the ponies, till Cousin Grace, growing +tired of playing her bright eyes first on this, then on that, brought +them back to Laura and studied her up and down. +</P> + +<P> +"I say, who on earth trimmed your hat?" she asked almost at once. +</P> + +<P> +"Mother," answered Laura bravely, while the colour mounted to her +cheeks again. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, I guess she made up her mind you shouldn't get lost as long as +you wore it," went on her cousin with disconcerting candour. "It makes +you look just like a great big red double dahlia." +</P> + +<P> +"Let the child be. She looks well enough," threw in Godmother in her +snappish way. But Laura was sure that she, too disapproved; and felt +more than she heard the muttered remark about "Jane always having had a +taste for something gay." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I like the colour very much. I chose it myself," said Laura, and +looked straight at the two faces before her. But her lips twitched. She +would have liked to snatch the hat from her head, to throw it in front +of the ponies and hear them trample it under their hoofs. She had never +wanted the scarlet lining of the big, upturned brim; in a dislike to +being conspicuous which was incomprehensible to Mother, she had +implored the latter to "leave it plain". But Mother had said: +"Nonsense!" and "Hold your tongue!" and "I know better,"—with this +result. +</P> + +<P> +Oh yes, she saw well enough how Godmother signed with her eyes to +Cousin Grace to say no more; but she pretended not to notice, and for +the remainder of the drive nobody spoke. They went past long lines of +grey houses, joined one to another and built exactly alike; past large, +fenced-in public parks where all kinds of odd, unfamiliar trees grew, +with branches that ran right down their trunks, and bushy leaves. The +broad streets were hilly; the wind, coming in puffs, met them with +clouds of gritty white dust. They had just, with bent heads, their +hands at their hats, passed through one of these miniature whirlwinds, +when turning a corner they suddenly drew up, and the boy sprang to the +ponies' heads. Laura, who had not been expecting the end so soon, saw +only a tall wooden fence; but Cousin Grace looked higher, gave a stagey +shudder and cried: "Oh my eye Betty Martin! Aren't I glad it isn't me +that's going to school! It looks just like a prison." +</P> + +<P> +It certainly was an imposing building viewed from within, when the +paling-gate had closed behind them. To Laura, who came from a township +of one-storied brick or weatherboard houses, it seemed vast in its +breadth and height, appalling in its sombre greyness. Between Godmother +and Cousin Grace she walked up an asphalted path, and mounted the steps +that led to a massive stone portico. The bell Godmother rang made no +answering sound, but after a very few seconds the door swung back, and +a slender maidservant in cap and apron stood before them. She smiled at +them pleasantly, as, in Chinaman-fashion, they crossed the threshold; +then, inclining her head at a murmured word from Godmother, she +vanished as lightly as she had come, and they sat and looked about +them. They were in a plainly furnished but very lofty waiting-room. +There were two large windows. The venetian blinds had not been lowered, +and the afternoon sun, beating in, displayed a shabby patch on the +carpet. It showed up, too, a coating of dust that had gathered on the +desk-like, central table. There was the faint, distinctive smell of +strange furniture. But what impressed Laura most was the stillness. No +street noises pierced the massy walls, but neither did the faintest +echo of all that might be taking place in the great building itself +reach their ears: they sat aloof, shut off, as it were, from the living +world. And this feeling soon grew downright oppressive: it must be like +this to be dead, thought Laura to herself; and inconsequently +remembered a quarter of an hour she had once spent in a dentist's +ante-room: there as here the same soundless vacancy, the same anguished +expectancy. Now, as then, her heart began to thump so furiously that +she was afraid the others would hear it. But they, too, were subdued; +though Cousin Grace tittered continually you heard only a gentle +wheezing, and even Godmother expressed the hope that they would not be +kept waiting long, under her breath. But minute after minute went by; +there they sat and nothing happened. It began to seem as if they might +sit on for ever. +</P> + +<P> +All of a sudden, from out the spacious halls of which they had caught a +glimpse on arriving, brisk steps began to come towards them over the +oilcloth—at first as a mere tapping in the distance, then rapidly +gaining in weight and decision. Laura's palpitations reached their +extreme limit—another second and they might have burst her chest. +Cousin Grace ceased to giggle; the door opened with a peculiar +flourish; and all three rose to their feet. +</P> + +<P> +The person who entered was a very stately lady; she wore a cap with +black ribbons. With the door-handle still in her hand she made a slight +obeisance, in which her whole body joined, afterwards to become more +erect than before. Having introduced herself to Godmother as Mrs. +Gurley, the Lady Superintendent of the institution, she drew up a +chair, let herself down upon it, and began to converse with an air of +ineffable condescension. +</P> + +<P> +While she talked Laura examined her, with a child's thirst for detail. +Mrs. Gurley was large and generous of form, and she carried her head in +such a haughty fashion that it made her look taller than she really +was. She had a high colour, her black hair was touched with grey, her +upper teeth were prominent. She wore gold eyeglasses, many rings, a +long gold chain, which hung from an immense cameo brooch at her throat, +and a black apron with white flowers on it, one point of which was +pinned to her ample bosom. The fact that Laura had just such an apron +in her box went only a very little way towards reviving her spirits; +for altogether Mrs. Gurley was the most impressive person she had ever +set eyes on. Beside her, God mother was nothing but a plump, +shortsighted fidgety lady. +</P> + +<P> +Particularly awe-inspiring was Mrs. Gurley when she listened to another +speaking. She held her head a little to one side, her teeth met her +underlip and her be-ringed hands toyed incessantly with the long gold +chain, in a manner which seemed to denote that she set little value on +what was being said. Awful, too, was the habit she had of suddenly +lowering her head and looking at you over the tops of her glasses: when +she did this, and when her teeth came down on her lip, you would have +liked to shrink to the size of a mouse. Godmother, it was true, was not +afraid of her; but Cousin Grace was hushed at last and as for Laura +herself, she consciously wore a fixed little simper, which was meant to +put it beyond doubt that butter would not melt in her mouth. +</P> + +<P> +Godmother now asked if she might say a few words in private, and the +two ladies left the room. As the door closed behind them Cousin Grace +began to be audible again. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, snakes!" she giggled, and her double chin spread itself "There's a +Tartar for you! Don't I thank my stars it's not me that's being shunted +off here! She'll give you what-for." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't think so. I think she's very nice," said Laura staunchly, out +of an instinct that made her chary of showing fear, or pain, or grief. +But her heart began to bound again, for the moment in which she would +be left alone. +</P> + +<P> +"You see!" said Cousin Grace. "It'll be bread and water for a week, if +you can't do AMARE first go-off—not to mention the deponents." +</P> + +<P> +"What's AMARE?" asked Laura anxiously, and her eyes grew so big that +they seemed to fill her face. +</P> + +<P> +But Cousin Grace only laughed till it seemed probable that she would +burst her bodice; and Laura blushed, aware that she had compromised +herself anew. +</P> + +<P> +There followed a long and nervous pause. +</P> + +<P> +"I bet Godmother's asking her not to wallop you too often," the tease +had just begun afresh, when the opening of the door forced her to +swallow her sentence in the middle. +</P> + +<P> +Godmother would not sit down; so the dreaded moment had come. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, Laura. Be a good girl and learn well, and be a comfort to your +mother.—Not that there's much need to urge her to her books," +Godmother interrupted herself, turning to Mrs. Gurley. "The trouble her +dear mother has always had has been to keep her from them." +</P> + +<P> +Laura glowed with pleasure. Now at least the awful personage would know +that she was clever, and loved to learn. But Mrs. Gurley smiled the +chilliest thinkable smile of acknowledgment, and did not reply a word. +</P> + +<P> +She escorted the other to the front door, and held it open for them to +pass out. Then, however, her pretence of affability faded clean away: +turning her head just so far that she could look down her nose at her +own shoulder, she said: "Follow me!"—in a tone Mother would not have +used even to Sarah. Feeling inexpressibly small Laura was about to +obey, when a painful thought struck her. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh please, I had a box—with my clothes in it!" she cried. "Oh, I hope +they haven't forgotten and taken it away again." +</P> + +<P> +But she might as well have spoken to the hatstand: Mrs. Gurley had +sailed off, and was actually approaching a turn in the hall before +Laura made haste to follow her and to keep further anxiety about her +box to herself. They went past one staircase, round a bend into shadows +as black as if, outside, no sun were shining, and began to ascend +another flight of stairs, which was the widest Laura had ever seen. The +banisters were as thick as your arm, and on each side of the +stair-carpeting the space was broad enough for two to walk abreast: +what a splendid game of trains you could have played there! On the +other hand the landing windows were so high up that only a giant could +have seen out of them. +</P> + +<P> +These things occurred to Laura mechanically. What really occupied her, +as she trudged behind, was how she could please this hard-faced woman +and make her like her, for the desire to please, to be liked by all the +world, was the strongest her young soul knew. And there must be a way, +for Godmother had found it without difficulty. +</P> + +<P> +She took two steps at once, to get nearer to the portly back in front +of her. +</P> + +<P> +"What a VERY large place this is!" she said in an insinuating voice. +</P> + +<P> +She hoped the admiration, thus subtly expressed in the form of +surprise, would flatter Mrs. Gurley, as a kind of co-proprietor; but it +was evident that it did nothing of the sort: the latter seemed to have +gone deaf and dumb, and marched on up the stairs, her hands clasped at +her waist, her eyes fixed ahead, like a walking stone-statue. +</P> + +<P> +On the top floor she led the way to a room at the end of a long +passage. There were four beds in this room, a washhand-stand, a chest +of drawers, and a wall cupboard. But at first sight Laura had eyes only +for the familiar object that stood at the foot of one of the beds. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, THERE'S my box!" she cried, "Someone must have brought it up." +</P> + +<P> +It was unroped; she had simply to hand over the key. Mrs. Gurley went +down on her knees before it, opened the lid, and began to pass the +contents to Laura, directing her where to lay and hang them. Overawed +by such complaisance, Laura moved nimbly about the room shaking and +unfolding, taking care to be back at the box to the minute so as not to +keep Mrs. Gurley waiting. And her promptness was rewarded; the stern +face seemed to relax. At the mere hint of this, Laura grew warm through +and through; and as she could neither control her feelings nor keep +them to herself, she rushed to an extreme and overshot the mark. +</P> + +<P> +"I've got an apron like that. I think they're so pretty," she said +cordially, pointing to the one Mrs. Gurley wore. +</P> + +<P> +The latter abruptly stopped her work, and, resting her hands on the +sides of the box, gave Laura one of the dreaded looks over her glasses, +looked at her from top to toe, and as though she were only now +beginning to see her. There was a pause, a momentary suspension of the +breath, which Laura soon learned to expect before a rebuke. +</P> + +<P> +"Little gels," said Mrs. Gurley—and even in the midst of her confusion +Laura could not but be struck by the pronunciation of this word. +"Little gels—are required—to wear white aprons when they come +here!"—a break after each few words, as well as an emphatic +head-shake, accentuated their severity. "And I should like to know, if +your mother, has never taught you, that it is very rude, to point, and +also to remark, on what people wear." +</P> + +<P> +Laura went scarlet: if there was one thing she, Mother all of them +prided themselves on, it was the good manners that had been instilled +into them since their infancy.—The rough reproof seemed to scorch her. +</P> + +<P> +She went to and fro more timidly than before. Then, however, something +happened which held a ray of hope. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, what is this?" asked Mrs. Gurley freezingly, and held up to +view—with the tips of her fingers, Laura thought—a small, black +Prayer Book. "Pray, are you not a dissenter?"—For the College was +nonconformist. +</P> + +<P> +"Well ... no, I'm not," said Laura, in a tone of intense apology. Here, +at last, was her chance. "But it really doesn't matter a bit. I can go +to another church quite well. I even think I'd rather. For a change. +And the service isn't so long, at least so I've heard—except the +sermon," she added truthfully. +</P> + +<P> +Had she denied religion altogether, the look Mrs. Gurley bent on her +could not have been more annihilating. +</P> + +<P> +"There is—unfortunately!—no occasion, for you to do anything of the +kind," she retorted. "I myself, am an Episcopalian, and I expect those +gels, who belong to the Church of England, to attend it, with me." +</P> + +<P> +The unpacking at an end, Mrs. Gurley rose, smoothed down her apron, and +was just on the point of turning away, when on the bed opposite Laura's +she espied an under-garment, lying wantonly across the counterpane. At +this blot on the orderliness of the room she seemed to swell like a +turkey-cock, seemed literally to grow before Laura's eyes as, striding +to the door, she commanded an invisible some one to send Lilith Gordon +to her "DI-rectly!"! +</P> + +<P> +There was an awful pause; Laura did not dare to raise her head; she +even said a little prayer. Mrs. Gurley stood working at her chain, and +tapping her foot—like a beast waiting for its prey, thought the child. +And at last a hurried step was heard in the corridor, the door opened +and a girl came in, high-coloured and scant of breath. Laura darted one +glance at Mrs. Gurley's face, then looked away and studied the pattern +of a quilt, trying not to hear what was said. Her throat swelled, grew +hard and dry with pity for the culprit. But Lilith Gordon—a girl with +sandy eyebrows, a turned-up nose, a thick plait of red-gold hair, and a +figure so fully developed that Laura mentally dubbed it a "lady's +figure", and put its owner down for years older than herself—Lilith +Gordon neither fell on her knees nor sank through the floor. Her lashes +were lowered, in a kind of dog-like submission, and her face had gone +very red when Laura ventured to look at her again; but that was all. +And Mrs. Gurley having swept Jove-like from the room, this bold girl +actually set her finger to her nose and muttered: "Old Brimstone +Beast!" As she passed Laura, too, she put out her tongue and said: "Now +then, goggle-eyes, what have you got to stare at?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura was deeply hurt: she had gazed at Lilith out of the purest +sympathy. And now, as she stood waiting for Mrs. Gurley, who seemed to +have forgotten her, the strangeness of things, and the general +unfriendliness of the people struck home with full force. The late +afternoon sun was shining in, in an unfamiliar way; outside were +strange streets, strange noises, a strange white dust, the expanse of a +big, strange city. She felt unspeakably far away now, from the small, +snug domain of home. Here, nobody wanted her ... she was alone among +strangers, who did not even like her ... she had already, without +meaning it, offended two of them. +</P> + +<P> +Another second, and the shameful tears might have found their way out. +But at this moment there was a kind of preparatory boom in the +distance, and the next, a great bell clanged through the house, pealing +on and on, long after one's ears were rasped by the din. It was +followed by an exodus from the rooms round about; there was a sound of +voices and of feet. Mrs. Gurley ceased to give orders in the passage, +and returning, bade Laura put on a pinafore and follow her. +</P> + +<P> +They descended the broad staircase. At a door just at the foot, Mrs. +Gurley paused and smoothed her already faultless bands of hair; then +turned the handle and opened the door, with the majestic swing Laura +had that day once before observed. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap05"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +V. +</H3> + +<P> +Fifty-five heads turned as if by clockwork, and fifty-five pairs of +eyes were levelled at the small girl in the white apron who meekly +followed Mrs. Gurley down the length of the dining-room. Laura +crimsoned under the unexpected ordeal, and tried to fix her attention +on the flouncing of Mrs. Gurley's dress. The room seemed hundreds of +feet long, and not a single person at the tea-tables but took stock of +her. The girls made no scruple of leaning backwards and forwards, +behind and before their neighbours, in order to see her better, and +even the governesses were not above having a look. All were standing. +On Mrs. Gurley assigning Laura a place at her own right hand, Laura +covered herself with confusion by taking her seat at once, before grace +had been said, and before the fifty-five had drawn in their chairs with +the noise of a cavalry brigade on charge. She stood up again +immediately, but it was too late; an audible titter whizzed round the +table: the new girl had sat down. For minutes after, Laura was lost in +the pattern on her plate; and not till tongues were loosened and dishes +being passed, did she venture to steal a glance round. +</P> + +<P> +There were four tables, with a governess at the head and foot of each +to pour out tea. It was more of a hall than a room and had high, +church-like windows down one side. At both ends were scores of +pigeon-holes. There was a piano in it and a fireplace; it had [P.45] +pale blue walls, and only strips of carpet on the floor. At present it +was darkish, for the windows did not catch the sun. +</P> + +<P> +Laura was roused by a voice at her side; turning, she found her +neighbour offering her a plate of bread. +</P> + +<P> +"No, thank you," she said impulsively; for the bread was cut in chunks, +and did not look inviting. +</P> + +<P> +But the girl nudged her on the sly. "You'd better take some," she +whispered. +</P> + +<P> +Laura then saw that there was nothing else. But she saw, too, the +smiles and signs that again flew round: the new girl had said no. +</P> + +<P> +Humbly she accepted the butter and the cup of tea which were passed to +her in turn, and as humbly ate the piece of rather stale bread. She +felt forlornly miserable under the fire of all these unkind eyes, which +took a delight in marking her slips: at the smallest further mischance +she might disgrace herself by bursting out crying. Just at this moment, +however, something impelled her to look up. Her vis-a-vis, whom she had +as yet scarcely noticed, was staring hard. And now, to her great +surprise, this girl winked at her, winked slowly and deliberately with +the right eye. Laura was so discomposed that she looked away again at +once, and some seconds elapsed before she was brave enough to take +another peep. The wink was repeated. +</P> + +<P> +It was a black-haired girl this time, a girl with small blue eyes, a +pale, freckled skin, and large white teeth. What most impressed Laura, +though, was her extraordinary gravity: she chewed away with a face as +solemn as a parson's; and then just when you were least expecting it, +came the wink. Laura was fascinated: she lay in wait for it beforehand +and was doubtful whether to feel offended by it or to laugh at it. But +at least it made her forget her mishaps, and did away with the +temptation to cry. +</P> + +<P> +When, however, Mrs. Gurley had given the signal, and the fifty-five had +pushed back their chairs and set them to the table again with the same +racket as before, Laura's position was a painful one. Everybody pushed, +and talked, and laughed, in a hurry to leave the hall, and no one took +any notice of her except to stare. After some indecision, she followed +the rest through a door. Here she found herself on a verandah facing +the grounds of the school. There was a long bench, on which several +people were sitting: she took a modest seat at one end. Two of the +younger governesses looked at her and laughed, and made a remark. She +saw her room-mate, Lilith Gordon, arm in arm with a couple of +companions. The winker of the tea-table turned out to be a girl of her +own age, but of a broader make; she had fat legs, which were encased in +thickly-ribbed black stockings. As she passed the bench she left the +friend she was with, to come up to Laura and dig her in the ribs. +</P> + +<P> +"DIDN'T she like her bread and butter, poor little thing?" she said. +Laura shrank from the dig, which was rough; but she could not help +smiling shyly at the girl, who looked good-natured. If only she had +stayed and talked to her! But she was off and away, her arm round a +comrade's neck. +</P> + +<P> +Besides herself, there was now only an elderly governess left, who was +reading. She, Laura, in her solitude, was conspicuous to every eye. But +at this juncture up came two rather rollicking older girls, one of whom +was fair, with a red complexion. AS soon as their loud voices had +driven the governess away, the smaller of the two, who had a pronounced +squint, turned to Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"Hullo, you kid," she said, "what's YOUR name?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura artlessly replied. She was dumbfounded by the storm of merriment +that followed. Maria Morell, the fat girl, went purple, and had to be +thumped on the back by her friend. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, my!" she gasped, when she had got her breath. "Oh, my ... hold me, +some one, or I shall split! Oh, golly! Laura ... Tweedle ... +Rambotham—Laura ... Tweedle ... Rambotham! ..." her voice tailed off +again. "Gosh! Was there ever such a name?" +</P> + +<P> +She laughed till she could laugh no more, rocking backwards and +forwards and from side to side; while her companion proceeded to make +further inquiries. +</P> + +<P> +"Where do you come from?" the squint demanded of Laura, in a +business-like way. +</P> + +<P> +Laura named the township, quaveringly. "What's your father?" +</P> + +<P> +"He's dead," answered the child. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, but I suppose he was alive once wasn't he, duffer? What was he +before he was dead?" +</P> + +<P> +"A barrister." +</P> + +<P> +"What did he die of?" +</P> + +<P> +"Consumption." +</P> + +<P> +"How many servants do you keep?" +</P> + +<P> +"One." +</P> + +<P> +"How much have you got a year?" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know." +</P> + +<P> +"How old are you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Twelve and a quarter." +</P> + +<P> +"Who made your dress?" +</P> + +<P> +"Mother." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I say, hang it, that's enough. Stop teasing the kid," said Maria +Morell, when the laughter caused by the last admission had died away. +But the squint spied a friend, ran to her, and there was a great deal +of whispering and sniggering. Presently the pair came sauntering up and +sat down; and after some artificial humming and hawing the newcomer +began to talk, in a loud and fussy manner, about certain acquaintances +of hers called Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Both the fat girl and the +squint "split" with laughter. Laura sat with her hands locked one +inside the other; there was no escape for her, for she did not know +where to go. But when the third girl put the regulation question: +"What's your name and what's your father?" she turned on her, with the +courage of despair. +</P> + +<P> +"What's yours?" she retorted hotly, at the same time not at all sure +how the big girl might revenge herself. To her relief, the others burst +out laughing at their friend's bafflement. +</P> + +<P> +"That's one for you, Kate Horner," said Maria with a chuckle. "Not bad +for the kid.—Come on, Kid, will you have a walk round the garden?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh yes, PLEASE," said Laura, reddening with pleasure; and there she +was, arm in arm with her fat saviour, promenading the grounds like any +other of the fifty-five. +</P> + +<P> +She assumed, as well as she could, an air of feeling at her ease even +in the presence of the cold and curious looks that met her. The fat +girl was protective, and Laura felt too grateful to her to take it +amiss that every now and then she threw back her head and laughed anew, +at the remembrance of Laura's patronymics; or that she still exchanged +jokes about them with the other couple, when they met. +</P> + +<P> +But by this time half an hour had slipped away, and the girls were fast +disappearing. Maria Morell loitered till the last minute, then said, +she, too, must be off to 'stew'. Every one was hastening across the +verandah laden with books, and disappearing down a corridor. Left +alone, Laura made her way back to the dining-hall. Here some of the +very young boarders were preparing their lessons, watched over by a +junior governess. Laura lingered for a little, to see if no order were +forthcoming, then diffidently approached the table and asked the +governess if she would please tell her what to do. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sure I don't know," answered that lady, disinclined for +responsibility. "You'd better ask Miss Chapman. Here, Maggie, show her +where the study is." +</P> + +<P> +Laura followed the little girl over the verandah and down the corridor. +At the end, the child pointed to a door, and on opening this Laura +found herself in a very large brightly lighted room, where the boarders +sat at two long tables with their books before them. Every head was +raised at her entrance. In great embarrassment, she threaded her way to +the more authoritative-looking of the governesses in charge, and +proffered her request. It was not understood, and she had to repeat it. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sure I don't know," said Miss Day in her turn: she had stiff, +black, wavy hair, a vivid colour, and a big, thick nose which made her +profile resemble that of a horse. "Can't you twiddle your thumbs for a +bit?—Oh well, if you're so desperately anxious for an occupation, +you'd better ask Miss Chapman." +</P> + +<P> +The girls in the immediate neighbourhood laughed noiselessly, in a +bounden-duty kind of way, at their superior's pleasantry, and Laura, +feeling as though she had been hit, crossed to the other table. Miss +Chapman, the head governess, was neither so hard-looking nor so +brilliant as Miss Day. She even eyed Laura somewhat uneasily, meanwhile +toying with a long gold chain, after the manner of the Lady +Superintendent. +</P> + +<P> +"Didn't Mrs. Gurley tell you what to do?" she queried. "I should think +it likely she would. Oh well, if she didn't, I suppose you'd better +bring your things downstairs. Yes ... and ask Miss Zielinski to give +you a shelf." +</P> + +<P> +Miss Zielinski—she was the governess in the dining-hall—said: "Oh, +very well," in the rather whiny voice that seemed natural to her, and +went on reading. +</P> + +<P> +"Please, I don't think I know my way," ventured Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"Follow your nose and you'll find it!" said Miss Zielinski without +looking up, and was forthwith wrapt in her novel again. +</P> + +<P> +Once more Laura climbed the wide staircase: it was but dimly lighted, +and the passages were in darkness. After a few false moves she found +her room, saw that her box had been taken away, her books left lying +[P.51] on a chair. But instead of picking them up, she threw herself on +her bed and buried her face in the pillow. She did not dare to cry, for +fear of making her eyes red, but she hugged the cool linen to her +cheeks. +</P> + +<P> +"I hate them all," she said passionately, speaking aloud to herself. +"Oh, HOW I hate them!"—and wild schemes of vengeance flashed through +her young mind. She did not even halt at poison or the knife: a big +cake, sent by Mother, of which she invited all alike to partake, and +into which she inserted a fatal poison, so that the whole school died +like rabbits; or a nightly stabbing, a creeping from bed to bed in the +dark, her penknife open in her hand... +</P> + +<P> +But she had not lain thus for more than a very few minutes when steps +came along the passage; and she had only just time to spring to her +feet before one of the little girls appeared at the door. +</P> + +<P> +"You're to come down at once." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you know you're not ALLOWED to stay upstairs?" asked Miss +Zielinski crossly. "What were you doing?" And as Laura did not reply: +"What was she doing, Jessie?" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know," said the child. "She was just standing there." And all +the little girls laughed, after the manner of their elders. +</P> + +<P> +Before Laura had finished arranging her belongings on the shelves that +were assigned to her, some of the older girls began to drop in from the +study. One unceremoniously turned over her books, which were lying on +the table. +</P> + +<P> +"Let's see what the kid's got." +</P> + +<P> +Now Laura was proud of her collection: it really made a great show; for +a daughter of Godmother's had once attended the College, and her +equipment had been handed down to Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, you don't mean to say a kid like you's in the Second Principia +already?" said a big girl, and held up, incredulously, Smith's black +and red boards. "Wherever did YOU learn Latin?" +</P> + +<P> +In the reediest of voices Laura was forced to confess that she had +never learnt Latin at all. +</P> + +<P> +The girl eyed her in dubious amaze, then burst out laughing. "Oh, I +say!" she called to a friend. "Here's a rum go. Here's this kid brings +the Second Principia with her and doesn't know the First." +</P> + +<P> +Several others crowded round; and all found this divergence from the +norm, from the traditional method of purchasing each book new and as it +was needed, highly ridiculous. Laura, on her knees before her shelf, +pretended to be busy; but she could not see what she was doing, for the +mist that gathered in her eyes. +</P> + +<P> +Just at this moment, however, in marched Maria Morell. "Here, I say, +stop that!" she cried. "You're teasing that kid again. I won't have it. +Here, come on, Kid—Laura Tweedledum come and sit by me for supper." +</P> + +<P> +For the second time, Laura was thankful to the fat girl. But as +ill-luck would have it, Miss Chapman chanced to let her eyes stray in +their direction; and having fingered her chain indecisively for a +little, said: "It seems a pity, doesn't it, Miss Day, that that nice +little girl should get in with that vulgar set?" +</P> + +<P> +Miss Chapman liked to have her opinions confirmed. But this was a +weakness Miss Day did not pamper; herself strong-minded, she could +afford to disregard Miss Chapman's foibles. So she went on with her +book, and ignored the question. But Miss Zielinski, who lost no +opportunity of making herself agreeable to those over her, said with +foreign emphasis: "Yes, indeed it does." +</P> + +<P> +So Laura was summoned and made to sit down at the end of the room, +close to the governesses and beside the very big girls—girls of +eighteen and nineteen, who seemed older still to her, with their +figures, and waists, and skirts that touched the ground. +</P> + +<P> +Instinctively she felt that they resented her proximity. The biggest of +all, a pleasant-faced girl with a kind smile, said on seeing her +downcast air: "Poor little thing! Never mind." But when they talked +among themselves they lowered their voices and cast stealthy glances at +her, to see if she were listening. +</P> + +<P> +Supper over, three chairs were set out in an exposed position; the big +bell in the passage was lightly touched; everyone fetched a hymn-book, +one with music in it being handed to Miss Chapman at the piano. The +door opened to admit first Mrs. Gurley, then the Principal and his +wife—a tall, fair gentleman in a long coat, and a sweet-faced lady, +who wore a rose in her velvet dress. +</P> + +<P> +"Let us sing in the hundred and fifty-seventh hymn," said the +gentleman, who had a Grecian profile and a drooping, sandy moustache; +and when Miss Chapman had played through the tune, the fifty-five, the +governesses, the lady and gentleman rose to their feet and sang, with +halting emphasis, of the Redeemer and His mercy, to Miss Chapman's +accompaniment, which was as indecisive as her manner, the left hand +dragging lamely along after the right. +</P> + +<P> +"Let us read in the third chapter of the Second Epistle of Paul to the +Thessalonians." +</P> + +<P> +Everyone laid her hymn-book on the table and sat down to listen to +Paul's words, which the sandy gentleman read to a continual nervous +movement of the left leg. +</P> + +<P> +"Let us pray." +</P> + +<P> +Obeying the word, the fifty-five rose, faced about, and knelt to their +chairs. It was an extempore prayer, and a long one, and Laura did not +hear much of it; for the two big girls on her right kept up throughout +a running conversation. Also, when it was about half over she was +startled to hear Miss Zielinski say, in a shrill whisper: "Heavens! +There's that mouse again," and audibly draw her skirts round her. Even +Miss Chapman, praying to her piano-chair some distance off, had heard, +and turned her head to frown rebuke. +</P> + +<P> +The prayer at an end, Mr. and Mrs. Strachey bowed vaguely in several +directions, shook hands with the governesses, and left the room. This +was the signal for two of the teachers to advance with open Bibles. +</P> + +<P> +"Here, little one, have you learned your verse?" whispered Laura's +pleasant neighbour. +</P> + +<P> +Laura knew nothing of it; but the big girl lent her a Bible, and, since +it was not a hard verse and every girl repeated it, it was quickly +learned. +</P> + +<P> +I WISDOM DWELL WITH PRUDENCE AND FIND OUT KNOWLEDGE OF WITTY INVENTIONS. +</P> + +<P> +Told off in batches, they filed up the stairs. On the first landing +stood Miss Day, watching with lynx-eyes to see that no books or +eatables were smuggled to the bedrooms. In a strident voice she +exhorted the noisy to silence, and the loiterers to haste. +</P> + +<P> +Laura sped to her room. She was fortunate enough to find it still +empty. Tossing off her clothes, she gabbled ardently through her own +prayers, drew the blankets up over her head, and pretended to be +asleep. Soon the lights were out and all was quiet. Then, with her face +burrowed deep, so that not a sound could escape, she gave free play to +her tears. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap06"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VI. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +MY DEAR MOTHER +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I SENT YOU A POSTCARD DID YOU GET IT. I TOLD YOU I GOT HERE ALL RIGHT +AND LIKED IT VERY MUCH. I COULD NOT WRITE A LONG LETTER BEFORE I HAD NO +TIME AND WE ARE ONLY ALOWED TO WRITE LETTERS TWO EVENINGS A WEEK +TUESDAY AND FRIDAY. WHEN WE HAVE DONE OUR LESSONS FOR NEXT DAY WE SAY +PLEASE MAY I WRITE NOW AND MISS CHAPMAN SAYS HAVE YOU DONE EVERYTHING +AND IF WE SAY WE HAVE SHE SAYS YES AND IF YOU SIT AT MISS DAYS TABLE +MISS DAY SAYS IT. AND SOMETIMES WE HAVEN'T BUT WE SAY SO. I SIT UP BY +MISS CHAPMAN AND SHE CAN SEE EVERYTHING I DO AND AT TEA AND DINNER AND +BREAKFAST I SIT BESIDE MRS. GURLEY. ANOTHER GIRL IN MY CLASS SITS +OPPOSITE AND ONE SITS BESIDE ME AND WE WOULD RATHER SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE. +I DON'T CARE FOR MRS. GURLEY MUCH SHE IS VERY FAT AND NEVER SMILES AND +NEVER LISTENS TO WHAT YOU SAY UNLESS SHE SCOLDS YOU AND I THINK MISS +CHAPMAN IS AFRAID OF HER TO. MISS DAY IS NOT AFRAID OF ANYBODY. I AM IN +THE FIRST CLASS. I AM IN THE COLLEGE AND UNDER THAT IS THE SCHOOL. ONLY +VERY LITTLE GIRLS ARE IN THE SCHOOL THEY GO TO BED AT HALF PAST EIGHT +AND DO THEIR LESSONS IN THE DINING HALL. I DO MINE IN THE STUDY AND GO +TO BED WITH THE BIG GIRLS. THEY WEAR DRESSES DOWN TO THE GROUND. LILITH +GORDON IS A GIRL IN MY CLASS SHE IS IN MY ROOM TO SHE IS ONLY AS OLD AS +ME AND SHE WEARS STAYS AND HAS A BEAUTIFUL FIGGURE. ALL THE GIRLS WEAR +STAYS. PLEASE SEND ME SOME I HAVE NO WASTE. A GOVERNESS SLEEPS IN OUR +ROOM AND SHE HAS NO TEETH. SHE TAKES THEM OUT EVERY NIGHT AND PUTS THEM +IN WATER WHEN THE LIGHT IS OUT. LILITH GORDON AND THE OTHER GIRL SAY +GOODNIGHT TO HER AFTER SHE HAS TAKEN THEM OFF THEN SHE CANT TALK +PROPPERLY AND WE WANT TO HEAR HER. I THINK SHE KNOWS FOR SHE IS VERY +CROSS. I DON'T LEARN LATIN YET TILL I GO INTO THE SECOND CLASS MY SUMS +ARE VERY HARD. FOR SUPPER THERE IS ONLY BREAD AND BUTTER AND WATER IF +WE DON'T HAVE CAKE AND JAM OF OUR OWN. PLEASE SEND ME SOME STRAWBERRY +JAM AND ANOTHER CAKE. TELL SARAH THERE ARE THREE SERVANTS TO WAIT AT +DINNER THEY HAVE WHITE APRONS AND A CAP ON THEIR HEADS. THEY SAY WILL +YOU TAKE BEEF MISS +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I REMAIN +<BR> +YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER +<BR> +LAURA. +</P> + +<BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +DEAR PIN +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I AM VERY BUSY I WILL WRITE YOU A LETTER. YOU WOULD NOT LIKE BEING HERE +I THINK YOU SHOULD ALWAYS STOP AT HOME YOU WILL NEVER GET AS FAR AS +LONG DIVISION. MRS. GURLEY IS AN AWFUL OLD BEAST ALL THE GIRLS CALL HER +THAT. YOU WOULD BE FRIGHTENED OF HER. IN THE AFTERNOON AFTER SCHOOL WE +WALK TWO AND TWO AND YOU ASK A GIRL TO WALK WITH YOU AND IF YOU DON'T +YOU HAVE TO WALK WITH MISS CHAPMAN. MISS CHAPMAN AND MISS DAY WALKS +BEHIND AND THEY WATCH TO SEE YOU DON'T LAUGH AT BOYS. SOME GIRLS WRITE +LETTERS TO THEM AND SAY THEY WILL MEET THEM UP BEHIND A TREE IN THE +CORNER OF THE GARDEN A PALING IS LOSE AND THE BOYS PUT LETTERS IN. I +THINK BOYS ARE SILLY BUT MARIA MORELL SAYS THEY ARE TIP TOP THAT MEANS +AWFULLY JOLLY. SHE WRITES A LETTER TO BOYS EVERY WEEK SHE TAKES IT TO +CHURCH AND DROPS IT COMING OUT AND HE PICKS IT UP AND PUTS AN ANSWER +THROUGH THE FENCE. WE PUT OUR LETTERS ON THE MANTLEPIECE IN THE +DINING-HALL AND MRS. GURLEY OR MISS CHAPMAN READ THE ADRESS TO SEE WE +DON'T WRITE TO BOYS. THEY ARE SHUT UP SHE CANT READ THE INSIDE. I HOPE +YOU DON'T CRY SO MUCH AT SCHOOL NO ONE CRIES. NOW MISS CHAPMAN SAYS IT +IS TIME TO STOP +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I REMAIN +<BR> +YOUR AFECTIONATE SISTER +<BR> +LAURA. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +P.S. I TOOK THE RED LINEING OUT OF MY HAT. +</P> + +<BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +WARRENEGA +<BR> +SUNDAY. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +MY DEAR LAURA +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +WE WERE VERY GLAD TO GET YOUR LETTERS WHICH CAME THIS MORNING. YOUR +POSTCARD WRITTEN THE DAY AFTER YOU ARRIVED AT THE COLLEGE TOLD US +LITTLE OR NOTHING. HOWEVER GODMOTHER WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO WRITE US AN +ACCOUNT OF YOUR ARRIVAL SO THAT WE WERE NOT QUITE WITHOUT NEWS OF YOU. +I HOPE YOU REMEMBERED TO THANK HER FOR DRIVING IN ALL THAT WAY TO MEET +YOU AND TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL WHICH WAS VERY GOOD OF HER. I AM GLAD TO +HEAR YOU ARE SETTLING DOWN AND FEELING HAPPY AND I HOPE YOU WILL WORK +HARD AND DISTINGUISH YOURSELF SO THAT I MAY BE PROUD OF YOU. BUT THERE +ARE SEVERAL THINGS IN YOUR LETTERS I DO NOT LIKE. DID YOU REALLY THINK +I SHOULDN'T READ WHAT YOU WROTE TO PIN. YOU ARE A VERY FOOLISH GIRL IF +YOU DID. PIN THE SILLY CHILD TRIED TO HIDE IT AWAY BECAUSE SHE KNEW IT +WOULD MAKE ME CROSS BUT I INSISTED ON HER SHOWING IT TO ME AND I AM +ASHAMED OF YOU FOR WRITING SUCH NONSENSE TO HER. MARIA MORELL MUST BE A +VERY VULGAR MINDED GIRL TO USE THE EXPRESSIONS SHE DOES. I HOPE MY +LITTLE GIRL WILL TRY TO ONLY ASSOCIATE WITH NICE MINDED GIRLS. I DIDN'T +SEND YOU TO SCHOOL TO GET NASTY IDEAS PUT INTO YOUR HEAD BUT TO LEARN +YOUR LESSONS WELL AND GET ON. IF YOU WRITE SUCH VULGAR SILLY THINGS +AGAIN I SHALL COMPLAIN TO MRS. GURLEY OR MR. STRACHEY ABOUT THE TONE OF +THE COLLEGE AND WHAT GOES ON BEHIND THEIR BACKS. I THINK IT IS VERY +RUDE OF YOU TOO TO CALL MRS. GURLEY NAMES. ALSO ABOUT THE POOR +GOVERNESS WHO HAS TO WEAR FALSE TEETH. WAIT TILL ALL YOUR OWN TEETH ARE +GONE AND THEN SEE HOW YOU WILL LIKE IT. I DO WANT YOU TO HAVE NICE +FEELINGS AND NOT GROW ROUGH AND RUDE. THERE IS EVIDENTLY A VERY BAD +TONE AMONG SOME OF THE GIRLS AND YOU MUST BE CAREFUL IN CHOOSING YOUR +FRIENDS. I AM SORRY TO HEAR YOU ARE ONLY IN THE LOWEST CLASS. IT WOULD +HAVE PLEASED ME BETTER IF YOU HAD GOT INTO THE SECOND BUT I ALWAYS TOLD +YOU YOU WERE LAZY ABOUT YOUR SUMS—YOU CAN DO THEM WELL ENOUGH IF YOU +LIKE. YOU DON'T NEED STAYS. I HAVE NEVER WORN THEM MYSELF AND I DON'T +INTEND YOU TO EITHER. YOUR OWN MUSCLES ARE QUITE STRONG ENOUGH TO BEAR +THE WEIGHT OF YOUR BACK. BREAD AND WATER IS NOT MUCH OF A SUPPER FOR +YOU TO GO TO BED ON. I WILL SEND YOU ANOTHER CAKE SOON AND SOME JAM AND +I HOPE YOU WILL SHARE IT WITH THE OTHER GIRLS. NOW TRY AND BE SENSIBLE +AND INDUSTRIOUS AND MAKE NICE FRIENDS AND THEN I SHANT HAVE TO SCOLD YOU +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +YOUR LOVING MOTHER +<BR> +J.T.R. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +P.S. ANOTHER THING IN YOUR LETTER I DON'T LIKE. YOU SAY YOU TELL YOUR +GOVERNESS YOU HAVE FINISHED YOUR LESSONS WHEN YOU HAVE NOT DONE SO. +THAT IS TELLING AN UNTRUTH AND I HOPE YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE LED AWAY +BY THE EXAMPLES OF BAD GIRLS. I HAVE ALWAYS BROUGHT YOU CHILDREN UP TO +BE STRAIGHTFORWARD AND I AM ASTONISHED AT YOU BEGINNING FIBBING AS SOON +AS YOU GET AWAY FROM HOME. FIBBING SOON LEADS TO SOMETHING WORSE. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +P.P.S. YOU MUST HAVE WRITTEN YOUR LETTER IN A GREAT HURRY FOR YOUR +SPELLING IS ANYTHING BUT PERFECT. YOU ARE A VERY NAUGHTY GIRL TO MEDDLE +WITH YOUR HAT. PIN HAS WRITTEN A LETTER WHICH I ENCLOSE THOUGH HER +SPELLING IS WORSE THAN EVER. +</P> + +<BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +DEAR LAURA +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +MOTHER SAYS YOU ARE A VERY SILY GIRL TO RITE SUCH SILY LETTERS I THINK +YOU ARE SILY TO I SHOOD BE FRITENED OF MRS. GIRLY I DON'T WANT TO GO TO +SKOOL I WOOD RATHER STOP WITH MOTHER AND BE A CUMFERT TO HER I THINK IT +IS NAUTY TO DROP LETTERS IN CHERCH AND VERRY SILY TO RITE TO BOYS BOYS +ARE SO SILY SARAH SENDS HER LUV SHE SAYS SHE WOOD NOT WARE A CAP ON HER +HED NOT FOR ANNYTHING SHE SAYS SHE WOOD JUST AS SOON WARE A RING THRUGH +HER NOSE. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I REMAIN +<BR> +YOUR LUVING SISTER PIN. +</P> + +<BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +DEAR MOTHER +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +PLEASE PLEASE DON'T WRITE TO MRS. GURLEY ABOUT THE TONE IN THE COLLEGE +OR NOT TO MR. STRACHEY EITHER. I WILL NEVER BE SO SILLY AGAIN. I AM +SORRY MY LETTERS WERE SO SILLY I WONT DO IT AGAIN. PLEASE DON'T WRITE +TO THEM ABOUT IT. I DON'T GO MUCH WITH MARIA MORELL NOW I THINK SHE SHE +IS VULGER TO. I KNOW TWO NICE GIRLS NOW IN MY OWN CLASS THEIR NAMES ARE +INEZ AND BERTHA THEY ARE VERY NICE AND NOT AT ALL VULGER. MARIA MORELL +IS FAT AND HAS A RED FACE SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN ME AND I DON'T CARE +FOR HER NOW. PLEASE DON'T WRITE TO MRS. GURLEY I WILL NEVER CALL HER +NAMES AGAIN. I HAD TO WRITE MY LETTER QUICKLY BECAUSE WHEN I HAVE DONE +MY LESSONS IT IS NEARLY TIME FOR SUPPER. I AM SORRY MY SPELLING WAS +WRONG I WILL TAKE MORE PAINS NEXT TIME I WILL LEARN HARD AND GET ON AND +SOON I WILL BE IN THE SECOND CLASS. I DID NOT MEAN I SAID I HAD DONE MY +LESSONS WHEN I HAD NOT DONE THEM THE OTHER GIRLS SAY IT AND I THINK IT +IS VERY WRONG OF THEM. PLEASE DON'T WRITE TO MRS. GURLEY I WILL TRY AND +BE GOOD AND SENSIBLE AND NOT DO IT AGAIN IF YOU ONLY WONT WRITE. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I REMAIN +<BR> +YOUR AFECTIONATE DAUGHTER +<BR> +LAURA. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +P.S. I CAN DO MY SUMS BETTER NOW. +</P> + +<BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +WARRENEGA +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +MY DEAR LAURA +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +MY LETTER EVIDENTLY GAVE YOU A GOOD FRIGHT AND I AM NOT SORRY TO HEAR +IT FOR I THINK YOU DESERVED IT FOR BEING SUCH A FOOLISH GIRL. I HOPE +YOU WILL KEEP YOUR PROMISE AND NOT DO IT AGAIN. OF COURSE I DON'T MEAN +THAT YOU ARE NOT TO TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS AT SCHOOL BUT I +WANT YOU TO ONLY HAVE NICE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND GROW INTO A WISE +AND SENSIBLE GIRL. I AM NOT GOING TO WRITE A LONG LETTER TODAY. THIS +[P.62] IS ONLY A LINE TO COMFORT YOU AND LET YOU KNOW THAT I SHALL NOT +WRITE TO MRS. GURLEY OR MR. STRACHEY AS LONG AS I SEE THAT YOU ARE +BEING A GOOD GIRL AND GETTING ON WELL WITH YOUR LESSONS. I DO WANT YOU +TO REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE A LADY THOUGH YOU ARE POOR AND MUST BEHAVE IN +A LADYLIKE WAY. YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FOOD AT THE COLLEGE IS LIKE +AND WHETHER YOU HAVE BLANKETS ENOUGH ON YOUR BED AT NIGHT. DO TRY AND +REMEMBER TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS I ASK YOU. SARAH IS BUSY WASHING TODAY +AND THE CHILDREN ARE HELPING HER BY SITTING WITH THEIR ARMS IN THE +TUBS. I AM TO TELL YOU FROM PIN THAT MAGGY IS MOULTING BADLY AND HAS +NOT EATEN MUCH SINCE YOU LEFT WHICH IS JUST THREE WEEKS TODAY +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +YOUR LOVING +<BR> +MOTHER. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +FRIDAY +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +MY DEAR MOTHER +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I WAS SO GLAD TO GET YOUR LETTER I AM SO GLAD YOU WILL NOT WRITE TO +MRS. GURLEY THIS TIME AND I WILL PROMISE TO BE VERY GOOD AND TRY TO +REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU TELL ME. I AM SORRY I FORGOT TO ANSWER THE +QUESTIONS I HAVE TWO BLANKETS ON MY BED AND IT IS ENOUGH. THE FOOD IS +VERY NICE FOR DINNER FOR TEA WE HAVE TO EAT A LOT OF BREAD AND BUTTER I +DON'T CARE FOR BREAD MUCH. SOMETIMES WE HAVE JAM BUT WE ARE NOT ALOWED +TO EAT BUTTER AND JAM TOGETHER. A LOT OF GIRLS GET UP AT SIX AND GO +DOWN TO PRACTICE THEY DON'T DRESS AND HAVE THEIR BATH THEY JUST PUT ON +THEIR DRESSING GOWNS ON TOP OF THEIR NIGHT GOWNS. I DON'T GO DOWN NOW +TILL SEVEN I MAKE MY OWN BED. WE HAVE PRAYERS IN THE MORNING AND THE +EVENING AND PRAYERS AGAIN WHEN THE DAY SCHOLERS COME. I DO MY SUMS +BETTER NOW I THINK I SHALL SOON BE IN THE SECOND CLASS. PINS SPELLING +WAS DREADFULL AND SHE IS NEARLY NINE NOW AND IS SUCH A BABY THE GIRLS +WOULD LAUGH AT HER. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +I REMAIN +<BR> +YOUR AFECTIONATE DAUGHTER LAURA. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +P.S. I PARSSED A LONG SENTENCE WITHOUT ANY MISTAKES. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap07"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VII. +</H3> + +<P> +The mornings were beginning to grow dark and chilly: fires were laid +overnight in the outer classrooms—and the junior governess who was on +early duty, having pealed the six-o'clock bell, flitted like a grey +wraith from room to room and from one gas-jet to another, among +stretched, sleeping forms. And the few minutes' grace at an end, it was +a cold, unwilling pack that threw off coverlets and jumped out of bed, +to tie on petticoats and snuggle into dressing-gowns and shawls; for +the first approach of cooler weather was keenly felt, after the summer +heat. The governess blew on speedily chilblained fingers, in making her +rounds of the verandahs to see that each of the twenty pianos was +rightly occupied; and, as winter crept on, its chief outward sign an +occasional thin white spread of frost which vanished before the mighty +sun of ten o'clock, she sometimes took the occupancy for granted, and +skipped an exposed room. +</P> + +<P> +At eight, the boarders assembled in the dining-hall for prayers and +breakfast. After this meal it was Mrs. Gurley's custom to drink a glass +of hot water. While she sipped, she gave audience, meting out rebukes +and crushing complaints—were any bold enough to offer them—standing +erect behind her chair at the head of the table, supported by one or +more of the staff. To suit the season she was draped in a shawl of +crimson wool, which reached to the flounce of her skirt, and was borne +by her portly shoulders with the grace of a past day. Beneath the +shawl, her dresses were built, year in, year out, on the same plan: cut +in one piece, buttoning right down the front, they fitted her like an +eelskin, rigidly outlining her majestic proportions, and always short +enough to show a pair of surprisingly small, well-shod feet. Thus she +stood, sipping her water, and boring with her hard, unflagging eye +every girl that presented herself to it. Most shrank noiselessly away +as soon as breakfast was over; for, unless one was very firm indeed in +the conviction of one's own innocence, to be beneath this eye was apt +to induce a disagreeable sense of guilt. In the case of Mrs. Gurley, +familiarity had never been known to breed contempt. She was possessed +of what was little short of genius, for ruling through fear; and no +more fitting overseer could have been set at the head of these +half-hundred girls, of all ages and degrees: gentle and common; ruly +and unruly, children hardly out of the nursery, and girls well over the +brink of womanhood, whose ripe, bursting forms told their own tale; the +daughters of poor ministers at reduced fees; and the spoilt heiresses +of wealthy wool-brokers and squatters, whose dowries would mount to +many thousands of pounds.—Mrs. Gurley was equal to them all. +</P> + +<P> +In a very short time, there was no more persistent shrinker from the +ice of this gaze than little Laura. In the presence of Mrs. Gurley the +child had a difficulty in getting her breath. Her first week of school +life had been one unbroken succession of snubs and reprimands. For +this, the undue familiarity of her manner was to blame: she was all too +slow to grasp—being of an impulsive disposition and not naturally +shy—that it was indecorous to accost Mrs. Gurley off-hand, to treat +her, indeed, in any way as if she were an ordinary mortal. The climax +had come one morning—it still made Laura's cheeks burn to remember it. +She had not been able to master her French lesson for that day, and +seeing Mrs. Gurley chatting to a governess had gone thoughtlessly up to +her and tapped her on the arm. +</P> + +<P> +"Mrs. Gurley, please, do you think it would matter very much if I only +took half this verb today? It's COUDRE, and means to sew, you know, and +it's SO hard. I don't seem to be able to get it into my head." +</P> + +<P> +Before the words were out of her mouth, she saw that she had made a +terrible mistake. Mrs. Gurley's face, which had been smiling, froze to +stone. She looked at her arm as though the hand had bitten her, and +Laura's sudden shrinking did not move her, to whom seldom anyone +addressed a word unbidden. +</P> + +<P> +"How DARE you interrupt me—when I am speaking!"—she hissed, +punctuating her words with the ominous head-shakes and pauses. "The +first thing, miss, for you to do, will be, to take a course of lessons, +in manners. Your present ones, may have done well enough, in the +outhouse, to which you have evidently belonged. They will not do, here, +in the company of your betters." +</P> + +<P> +Above the child's head the two ladies smiled significantly at each +other, assured that, after this, there would be no further want of +respect; but Laura did not see them. The iron of the thrust went deep +down into her soul: no one had ever yet cast a slur upon her home. +Retreating to a lavatory she cried herself nearly sick, making her eyes +so red that she was late for prayers in trying to wash them white. +Since that day, she had never of her own free will approached Mrs. +Gurley again, and even avoided those places where she was likely to be +found. This was why one morning, some three weeks later, on discovering +that she had forgotten one of her lesson-books, she hesitated long +before re-entering the dining-hall. The governesses still clustered +round their chief, and the pupils were not expected to return. But it +was past nine o'clock; in a minute the public prayer-bell would ring, +which united boarders, several hundred day-scholars, resident and +visiting teachers in the largest class-room; and Laura did not know her +English lesson. So she stole in, cautiously dodging behind the group, +in a twitter lest the dreaded eyes should turn her way. +</P> + +<P> +It was Miss Day who spied her and demanded an explanation. +</P> + +<P> +"Such carelessness! You girls would forget your heads if they weren't +screwed on," retorted the governess, in the dry, violent manner that +made her universally disliked. +</P> + +<P> +Thankful to escape with this, Laura picked out her book and hurried +from the room. +</P> + +<P> +But the thoughts of the group had been drawn to her. +</P> + +<P> +"The greatest little oddity we've had here for some time," pronounced +Miss Day, pouting her full bust in decisive fashion. +</P> + +<P> +"She is, indeed," agreed Miss Zielinski. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know what sort of a place she comes from, I'm sure," continued +the former: "but it must be the end of creation. She's utterly no idea +of what's what, and as for her clothes they're fit for a Punch and Judy +show." +</P> + +<P> +"She's had no training either—stupid, I call her," chimed in one of +the younger governesses, whose name was Miss Snodgrass. "She doesn't +know the simplest things, and her spelling is awful. And yet, do you +know, at history the other day, she wanted to hold forth about how +London looked in Elizabeth's reign—when she didn't know a single one +of the dates!" +</P> + +<P> +"She can say some poetry," said Miss Zielinski. "And she's read Scott." +</P> + +<P> +One and all shook their heads at this, and Mrs. Gurley went on shaking +hers and smiling grimly. "Ah! the way gels are brought up nowadays," +she said. "There was no such thing in my time. We were made to learn +what would be of some use and help to us afterwards." +</P> + +<P> +Elderly Miss Chapman twiddled her chain. "I hope I did right Mrs. +Gurley. She had one week's early practice, but she looked so white all +day after it that I haven't put her down for it again. I hope I did +right?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, well, we don't want to have them ill, you know," replied Mrs. +Gurley, in the rather irresponsive tone she adopted towards Miss +Chapman. "As long as it isn't mere laziness." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't think she's lazy," said Miss Chapman. "At least she takes +great pains with her lessons at night." +</P> + +<P> +This was true. Laura tried her utmost, with an industry born of +despair. For the comforting assurance of speedy promotion, which she +had given Mother, had no root in fact. These early weeks only served to +reduce, bit by bit, her belief in her own knowledge. How slender this +was, and of how little use to her in her new state, she did not dare to +confess even to herself. Her disillusionment had begun the day after +her arrival, when Dr Pughson, the Headmaster, to whom she had gone to +be examined in arithmetic, flung up hands of comical dismay at her +befogged attempts to solve the mysteries of long division. An upper +class was taking a lesson in Euclid, and in the intervals between her +mazy reckonings she had stolen glances at the master. A tiny little +nose was as if squashed flat on his face, above a grotesquely +expressive mouth, which displayed every one of a splendid set of teeth. +He had small, short-sighted, red-rimmed eyes, and curly hair which did +not stop growing at his ears, but went on curling, closely cropped, +down the sides of his face. He taught at the top of his voice, thumped +the blackboard with a pointer, was biting at the expense of a pupil who +confused the angle BFC with the angle BFG, a moment later to volley +forth a broad Irish joke which convulsed the class. He bewitched Laura; +she forgot her sums in the delight of watching him; and this made her +learning seem a little scantier than it actually was; for she had to +wind up in a great hurry. He pounced down upon her; the class laughed +anew at his playful horror; and yet again at the remark that it was +evident she had never had many pennies to spend, or she would know +better what to do with the figures that represented them.—In these +words Laura scented a reference to Mother's small income, and grew as +red as fire. +</P> + +<P> +In the lowest class in the College she sat bottom, for a week or more: +what she did know, she knew in such an awkward form that she might as +well have known nothing. And after a few efforts to better her +condition she grew cautious, and hesitated discreetly before returning +one of those ingenuous answers which, in the beginning, had made her +the merry-andrew of the class. She could for instance, read a French +story-book without skipping very many words; but she had never heard a +syllable of the language spoken, and her first attempts at +pronunciation caused even Miss Zielinski to sit back in her chair and +laugh till the tears ran down her face. History Laura knew in a vague, +pictorial way: she and Pin had enacted many a striking scene in the +garden—such as "Not Angles but Angels," or, did the pump-drain +overflow, Canute and his silly courtiers—and she also had +out-of-the-way scraps of information about the characters of some of +the monarchs, or, as the governess had complained, about the state of +London at a certain period; but she had never troubled her head with +dates. Now they rose before her, a hard, dry, black line from 1066 on, +accompanied, not only by the kings who were the cause of them, but by +dull laws, and their duller repeals. Her lessons in English alone gave +her a mild pleasure; she enjoyed taking a sentence to pieces to see how +it was made. She was fond of words, too, for their own sake, and once, +when Miss Snodgrass had occasion to use the term "eleemosynary", Laura +was so enchanted by it that she sought to share her enthusiasm with her +neighbour. This girl, a fat little Jewess, went crimson, from trying to +stifle her laughter. +</P> + +<P> +"What IS the matter with you girls down there?" cried Miss Snodgrass. +"Carrie Isaacs, what are you laughing like that for?" +</P> + +<P> +"It's Laura Rambotham, Miss Snodgrass. She's so funny," spluttered the +girl. +</P> + +<P> +"What are you doing, Laura?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura did not answer. The girl spoke for her. +</P> + +<P> +"She said—hee, hee!—she said it was blue." +</P> + +<P> +"Blue? What's blue?" snapped Miss Snodgrass. +</P> + +<P> +"That word. She said it was so beautiful ... and that it was blue." +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't. Grey-blue, I said," murmured Laura her cheeks aflame. +</P> + +<P> +The class rocked; even Miss Snodgrass herself had to join in the laugh +while she hushed and reproved. And sometimes after this, when a +particularly long or odd word occurred in the lesson, she would turn to +Laura and say jocosely: "Now, Laura, come on, tell us what colour that +is. Red and yellow, don't you think?" +</P> + +<P> +But these were "Tom Fool's colours"; and Laura kept a wise silence. +</P> + +<P> +One day at geography, the pupils were required to copy the outline of +the map of England. Laura, about to begin, found to her dismay that she +had lost her pencil. To confess the loss meant one of the hard, public +rebukes from which she shrank. And so, while the others drew, heads and +backs bent low over their desks, she fidgeted and sought—on her [P.72] +lap, the bench, the floor. +</P> + +<P> +"What on earth's the matter?" asked her neighbour crossly; it was the +black-haired boarder who had winked at Laura the first evening at tea; +her name was Bertha Ramsey. "I can't draw a stroke if you shake like +that." +</P> + +<P> +"I've lost my pencil." +</P> + +<P> +The girl considered Laura for a moment, then pushed the lid from a box +of long, beautifully sharpened drawing-pencils. "Here, you can have one +of these." +</P> + +<P> +Laura eyed the well-filled box admiringly, and modestly selected the +shortest pencil. Bertha Ramsay, having finished her map, leaned back in +her seat. +</P> + +<P> +"And next time you feel inclined to boo-hoo at the tea-table, hold on +to your eyebrows and sing Rule Britannia.—DID it want its mummy, poor +ickle sing?" +</P> + +<P> +Here Bertha's chum, a girl called Inez, chimed in from the other side. +</P> + +<P> +"It's all very well for you," she said to Bertha, in a deep, slow +voice. "You're a weekly boarder." +</P> + +<P> +Laura had the wish to be very pleasant, in return for the pencil. So +she drew a sigh, and said, with over-emphasis: "How nice for your +mother to have you home every week!" +</P> + +<P> +Bertha only laughed at this, in a teasing way: "Yes, isn't it?" But +Inez leaned across behind her and gave Laura a poke. +</P> + +<P> +"Shut up!" she telegraphed. +</P> + +<P> +"Who's talking down there?" came the governess's cry. "Here you, the +new girl, Laura what's—your-name, come up to the map." +</P> + +<P> +A huge map of England had been slung over an easel; Laura was required +to take the pointer and show where Stafford lay. With the long stick in +her hand, she stood stupid and confused. In this exigency, it did not +help her that she knew, from hear-say, just how England looked; that +she could see, in fancy, its ever-green grass, thick hedges, and +spreading trees; its never-dry rivers; its hoary old cathedrals; its +fogs, and sea-mists, and over-populous cities. She stood face to face +with the most puzzling map in the world—a map seared and scored with +boundary-lines, black and bristling with names. She could not have laid +her finger on London at this moment, and as for Stafford, it might have +been in the moon. +</P> + +<P> +While the class straggled along the verandah at the end of the hour, +Inez came up to Laura's side. +</P> + +<P> +"I say, you shouldn't have said that about her mother." She nodded +mysteriously. +</P> + +<P> +"Why not?" asked Laura, and coloured at the thought that she had again, +without knowing it, been guilty of a FAUX PAS. +</P> + +<P> +Inez looked round to see that Bertha was not within hearing, then put +her lips to Laura's ear. +</P> + +<P> +"She drinks." +</P> + +<P> +Laura gaped incredulous at the girl, her young eyes full of horror. +From actual experience, she hardly knew what drunkenness meant; she had +hitherto associated it only with the lowest class of Irish agricultural +labourer, or with those dreadful white women who lived, by choice, in +Chinese Camps. That there could exist a mother who drank was +unthinkable ... outside the bounds of nature. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, how awful!" she gasped, and turned pale with excitement. Inez +could not help giggling at the effect produced by her words—the new +girl was a 'rum stick' and no mistake—but as Laura's consternation +persisted, she veered about. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, well, I don't know for certain if that's it. But there's something +awfully queer about her." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, HOW do you know?" asked her breathless listener, mastered by a +morbid curiosity. +</P> + +<P> +"I've been there—at Vaucluse—from a Saturday till Monday. She came in +to lunch, and she only talked to herself, not to us. She tried to eat +mustard with her pudding too, and her meat was cut up in little pieces +for her. I guess if she'd had a knife she'd have cut our throats." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh!" was all Laura could get out. +</P> + +<P> +"I was so frightened my mother said I shouldn't go again." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I hope she won't ask me. What shall I do if she does?" +</P> + +<P> +"Look out, here she comes! Don't say a word. Bertha's awfully ashamed +of it," said Inez, and Laura had just time to give a hasty promise. +</P> + +<P> +"Hullo, you two, what are you gassing about?" cried Bertha, and dealt +out a couple of her rough and friendly punches.—"I say, who's on for a +race up the garden?" +</P> + +<P> +They raced, all three, with flying plaits and curls, much kicking-up of +long black legs, and a frank display of frills and tuckers. Laura won; +for Inez's wind gave out half way, and Bertha was heavy of foot. +Leaning against the palings Laura watched the latter come puffing up to +join her—Bertha with the shameful secret in the background, of a +mother who was not like other mothers. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap08"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VIII. +</H3> + +<P> +Laura had been, for some six weeks or more, a listless and unsuccessful +pupil, when one morning she received an invitation from Godmother to +spend the coming monthly holiday—from Saturday till Monday—at +Prahran. The month before, she had been one of the few girls who had +nowhere to go; she had been forced to pretend that she liked staying +in, did it in fact by preference.—Now her spirits rose. +</P> + +<P> +Marina, Godmother's younger daughter, from whom Laura inherited her +school-books, was to call for her. By a little after nine o'clock on +Saturday morning, Laura had finished her weekly mending, tidied her +bedroom, and was ready dressed even to her gloves. It was a cool, crisp +day; and her heart beat high with expectation. +</P> + +<P> +From the dining-hall, it was not possible to hear the ringing of the +front-door bell; but each time either of the maids entered with a +summons, Laura half rose from her chair, sure that her turn had come at +last. But it was half-past nine, then ten, then half-past; it struck +eleven, the best of the day was passing, and still Marina did not come. +Only two girls besides herself remained. Then respectively an aunt and +a mother were announced, and these two departed. Laura alone was left: +she had to bear the disgrace of Miss Day observing: "Well, it looks as +if YOUR friends had forgotten all about you, Laura." +</P> + +<P> +Humiliated beyond measure, Laura had thoughts of tearing off her hat +and jacket and declaring that she felt too ill to go out. But at last, +when she was almost sick with suspense, Mary put her tidy head in once +more. +</P> + +<P> +"Miss Rambotham has been called for." +</P> + +<P> +Laura was on her feet before the words were spoken. She sped to the +reception-room. +</P> + +<P> +Marina, a short, sleek-haired, soberly dressed girl of about twenty, +had Godmother's brisk, matter-of-fact manner. +</P> + +<P> +She offered Laura her cheek to kiss. "Well, I suppose you're ready now?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura forgave her the past two hours. "Yes, quite, thank you," she +answered. +</P> + +<P> +They went down the asphalted path and through the garden-gate, and +turned to walk townwards. For the first time since her arrival Laura +was free again—a prisoner at large. Round them stretched the broad +white streets of East Melbourne; at their side was the thick, exotic +greenery of the Fitzroy Gardens; on the brow of the hill rose the +massive proportions of the Roman Catholic Cathedral.—Laura could have +danced, as she walked at Marina's side. +</P> + +<P> +After a few queries, however, as to how she liked school and how she +was getting on with her lessons, Marina fell to contemplating a strip +of paper that she held in her hand. Laura gathered that her companion +had combined the task of calling for her with a morning's shopping, and +that she had only worked half through her list of commissions before +arriving at the College. At the next corner they got on to the outside +car of a cable-tramway, and were carried into town. Here Marina entered +a co-operative grocery store, where she was going to give an order for +a quarter's supplies. She was her mother's housekeeper, and had an +incredible knowledge of groceries, as well as a severely practical +mind: she stuck her finger-nail into butter, tasted cheeses off the +blade of a knife, ran her hands through currants, nibbled biscuits, +discussed brands of burgundy and desiccated soups—Laura meanwhile +looking on, from a high, uncomfortable chair, with a somewhat hungry +envy. When everything, down to pepper and salt, had been remembered, +Marina filled in a cheque, and was just about to turn away when she +recollected an affair of some empty cases, which she wished to send +back. Another ten minutes' parley ensued; she had to see the manager, +and was closeted with him in his office, so that by the time they +emerged into the street again a full hour had gone by. +</P> + +<P> +"Getting hungry?" she inquired of Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"A little. But I can wait," answered Laura politely. +</P> + +<P> +"That's right," said Marina, off whose own appetite the edge had no +doubt been taken by her various nibblings. "Now there's only the +chemist." +</P> + +<P> +They rode to another street, entered a druggist's, and the same thing +on a smaller scale was repeated, except that here Marina did no +tasting, but for a stray gelatine or jujube. By the time the shop door +closed behind them, Laura could almost have eaten liquorice powder. It +was two o'clock, and she was faint with hunger. +</P> + +<P> +"We'll be home in plenty of time," said Marina, consulting a neat +watch. "Dinner's not till three today, because of father." +</P> + +<P> +Again a tramway jerked them forward. Some half mile from their +destination, Marina rose. +</P> + +<P> +"We'll get out here. I have to call at the butcher's." +</P> + +<P> +At a quarter to three, it was a very white-faced, exhausted little girl +that followed her companion into the house. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, I guess you'll have a fine healthy appetite for dinner," said +Marina, as she showed her where to hang up her hat and wash her hands. +</P> + +<P> +Godmother was equally optimistic. From the sofa of the morning-room, +where she sat knitting, she said: "Well, YOU'VE had a fine morning's +gadding about I must say! How are you? And how's your dear mother?" +</P> + +<P> +"Quite well, thank you." +</P> + +<P> +Godmother scratched her head with a spare needle, and the attention she +had had for Laura evaporated. "I hope, Marina, you told Graves about +those empty jam-jars he didn't take back last time?" +</P> + +<P> +Marina, without lifting her eyes from a letter she was reading, +returned: "Indeed I didn't. He made such a rumpus about the sugar-boxes +that I thought I'd try to sell them to Petersen instead." +</P> + +<P> +Godmother grunted, but did not question Marina's decision. "And what +news have you from your dear mother?" she asked again, without looking +at Laura—just as she never looked at the stocking she held, but always +over the top of it. +</P> + +<P> +Here, however, the dinner-bell rang, and Laura, spared the task of +giving more superfluous information, followed the two ladies to the +dining-room. The other members of the family were waiting at the table. +Godmother's husband—he was a lawyer—was a morose, black-bearded man +who, for the most part, kept his eyes fixed on his plate. Laura had +heard it said that he and Godmother did not get on well together; she +supposed this meant that they did not care to talk to each other, for +they never exchanged a direct word: if they had to communicate, it was +done by means of a third person. There was the elder daughter, +Georgina, dumpier and still brusquer than Marina, the eldest son, a +bank-clerk who was something of a dandy and did not waste civility on +little girls; and lastly there were two boys, slightly younger than +Laura, black-haired, pug-nosed, pugnacious little creatures, who stood +in awe of their father, and were all the wilder when not under his eye. +</P> + +<P> +Godmother mumbled a blessing; and the soup was eaten in silence. +</P> + +<P> +During the meat course, the bank-clerk complained in extreme +displeasure of the way the laundress had of late dressed his +collars—these were so high that, as Laura was not slow to notice, he +had to look straight down the two sides of his nose to see his +plate—and announced that he would not be home for tea, as he had an +appointment to meet some 'chappies' at five, and in the evening was +going to take a lady friend to Brock's Fireworks. These particulars +were received without comment. As the family plied its pudding-spoons, +Georgina in her turn made a statement. +</P> + +<P> +"Joey's coming to take me driving at four." +</P> + +<P> +It looked as if this remark, too, would founder on the general +indifference. Then Marina said warningly, as if recalling her parent's +thoughts: "Mother!" +</P> + +<P> +Awakened, Godmother jerked out: "Indeed and I hope if you go you'll +take the boys with you!" +</P> + +<P> +"Indeed and I don't see why we should!" +</P> + +<P> +"Very well, then, you'll stop at home. If Joey doesn't choose to come +to the point——-" +</P> + +<P> +"Now hold your tongue, mother!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll do nothing of the sort." +</P> + +<P> +"Crikey!" said the younger boy, Erwin, in a low voice. "Joey's got to +take us riding." +</P> + +<P> +"If you and Joey can't get yourselves properly engaged," snapped +Godmother, "then you shan't go driving without the boys, and that's the +end of it." +</P> + +<P> +Like dogs barking at one another, thought Laura, listening to the +loveless bandying of words—she was unused to the snappishness of the +Irish manner, which sounds so much worse than it is meant to be: and +she was chilled anew by it when, over the telephone, she heard Georgy +holding a heated conversation with Joey. +</P> + +<P> +He was a fat young man, with hanging cheeks, small eyes, and a lazy, +lopsided walk. +</P> + +<P> +"Hello—here's a little girl! What's HER name?—Say, this kiddy can +come along too." +</P> + +<P> +As it had leaked out that Marina's afternoon would be spent between the +shelves of her storeroom, preparing for the incoming goods, Laura +gratefully accepted the offer. +</P> + +<P> +They drove to Marlborough Tower. With their backs to the horse sat the +two boys, mercilessly alert for any display of fondness on the part of +the lovers; sat Laura, with her straight, inquisitive black eyes. Hence +Joey and Georgy were silent, since, except to declare their feelings, +they had nothing to say to each other. +</P> + +<P> +The Tower reached, the mare was hitched up and the ascent of the light +wooden erection began. It was a blowy day. +</P> + +<P> +"Boys first!" commanded Joey. "Cos o' the petticuts."—His speech was +as lazy as his walk. +</P> + +<P> +He himself led the way, followed by Erwin and Marmaduke, and Laura, at +Georgy's bidding, went next. She clasped her bits of skirts anxiously +to her knees, for she was just as averse to the frills and flounces +that lay beneath being seen by Georgy, as by any of the male members of +the party. Georgy came last, and, though no one was below her, so +tightly wound about was she that she could hardly advance her legs from +one step to another. Joey looked approval; but the boys sniggered, and +kept it up till Georgy, having gained the platform, threatened them +with a "clout on the head". +</P> + +<P> +On the return journey a dispute arose between the lovers: it related to +the shortest road home, waxed hot, and was rapidly taking on the +dimensions of a quarrel, when the piebald mare shied at a +traction-engine and tried to bolt. Joey gripped the reins, and passed +his free arm round Georgy's waist. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be frightened, darling." +</P> + +<P> +Though the low chaise rocked from side to side and there seemed a +likelihood of it capsizing, the two boys squirmed with laughter, and +dealt out sundry nudges, kicks and pokes, all of which were received by +Laura, sitting between them. She herself turned red—with +embarrassment. At the same time she wondered why Joey should believe +George was afraid; there was no sign of it in Georgy's manner; she sat +stolid and unmoved. Besides she, Laura, was only a little girl, and +felt no fear.—She also asked herself why Joey should suddenly grow +concerned about Georgy, when, a moment before, they had been so rude to +each other.—These were interesting speculations, and, the chaise +having ceased to sway, Laura grew meditative. +</P> + +<P> +In the evening Godmother had a visitor, and Laura sat in a low chair, +listening to the ladies' talk. It was dull work: for, much as she liked +to consider herself "almost grown up", she yet detested the +conversation of "real grown-ups" with a child's heartiness. She was +glad when nine o'clock struck and Marina, lighting a candle, told her +to go to bed. +</P> + +<P> +The next day was Sunday. Between breakfast and church-time yawned two +long hours. Georgy went to a Bible-class; Marina was busy with orders +for the dinner. +</P> + +<P> +It was a bookless house—like most Australian houses of its kind: in +Marina's bedroom alone stood a small bookcase containing school and +Sunday school prizes. Laura was very fond of reading, and as she +dressed that morning had cast longing looks at these volumes, had +evenly shyly fingered the glass doors. But they were locked. Breakfast +over, she approached Marina on the subject. The latter produced the +key, but only after some haggling, for her idea of books was to keep +the gilt on their covers untarnished. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, at any rate it must be a Sunday book," she said ungraciously. +</P> + +<P> +She drew out THE GIANT CITIES OF BASHAN AND SYRIA'S HOLY PLACES, and +with this Laura retired to the drawing-room, where Godmother was +already settled for the day, with a suitable magazine. When the bells +began to clang the young people, primly hatted, their prayer-books in +their hands, walked to the neighbouring church. There Laura sat once +more between the boys, Marina and Georgy stationed like sentinels at +the ends of the pew, ready to pounce down on their brothers if +necessary, to confiscate animals and eatables, or to rap impish +knuckles with a Bible. It was a spacious church; the pew was in a side +aisle; one could see neither reading-desk nor pulpit; and the words of +the sermon seemed to come from a great way off. +</P> + +<P> +After dinner, Laura and the boys were dispatched to the garden, to +stroll about in Sunday fashion. Here no elder person being present, the +natural feelings of the trio came out: the distaste of a quiet little +girl for rough boys and their pranks; the resentful indignation of the +boys at having their steps dogged by a sneak and a tell-tale. As soon +as they had rounded the tennis-court and were out of sight of the +house, Erwin and Marmaduke clambered over the palings and dropped into +the street, vowing a mysterious vengeance on Laura if she went indoors +without them. The child sat down on the edge of the lawn under a +mulberry tree and propped her chin on her hands. She was too timid to +return to the house and brave things out; she was also afraid of some +one coming into the garden and finding her alone, and of her then being +forced to "tell"; for most of all she feared the boys, and their vague, +rude threats. So she sat and waited ... and waited. The shadows on the +grass changed their shapes before her eyes; distant chapel-bells +tinkled their quarter of an hour and were still again; the blighting +torpor of a Sunday afternoon lay over the world. Would to-morrow ever +come? She counted on her fingers the hours that had still to crawl by +before she could get back to school—counted twice over to be sure of +them—and all but yawned her head off, with ennui. But time passed, and +passed, and nothing happened. She was on the verge of tears, when two +black heads bobbed up above the fence, the boys scrambled over, red and +breathless, and hurried her into tea. +</P> + +<P> +She wakened next morning at daybreak, so eager was she to set out. But +Marina had a hundred and one odd jobs to do before she was ready to +start, and it struck half-past nine as the two of them neared the +College. Child-like, Laura felt no special gratitude for the heavy pot +of mulberry jam Marina bore on her arm; but at sight of the stern, +grey, stone building she could have danced with joy; and on the front +door swinging to behind her, she drew a deep sigh of relief. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap09"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +IX. +</H3> + +<P> +From this moment on—the moment when Mary the maid's pleasant smile +saluted her—Laura's opinion of life at school suffered a change. She +was glad to be back—that was the first point: just as an adventurous +sheep is glad to regain the cover of the flock. Learning might be hard; +the governesses mercilessly secure in their own wisdom; but here she +was at least a person of some consequence, instead of as at Godmother's +a mere negligible null. +</P> + +<P> +Of her unlucky essay at holiday-making she wrote home guardedly: the +most tell-tale sentence in her letter was that in which she said she +would rather not go to Godmother's again in the meantime. But there was +such a lack of warmth in her account of the visit that mother made +this, together with the above remark, the text for a scolding. +</P> + +<P CLASS="letter"> +"YOU'RE A VERY UNGRATEFUL GIRL," she wrote, "TO FORGET ALL GODMOTHER +HAS DONE FOR YOU. IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR HER SUPPLYING YOU WITH BOOKS +AND THINGS I COULDN'T HAVE SENT YOU TO SCHOOL AT ALL. AND I HOPE WHEN +YOU GROW UP YOU'LL BE AS MUCH OF A HELP TO ME AS MARINA IS TO HER +MOTHER. I'D MUCH RATHER HAVE YOU GOOD AND USEFUL THAN CLEVER AND I +THINK FOR A CHILD OF YOUR AGE YOU SEE THINGS WITH VERY SHARP UNKIND +EYES. TRY AND ONLY THINK NICE THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE AND NOT BE ALWAYS +SPYING OUT THEIR FAULTS. THEN YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF FRIENDS AND BE +LIKED WHEREVER YOU GO." +</P> + +<P> +Laura took the statement about the goodness and cleverness with a grain +of salt: she knew better. Mother thought it the proper thing to say, +and she would certainly have preferred the two qualities combined; but, +had she been forced to choose between them, there was small doubt how +her choice would have fallen out. And if, for instance, Laura confessed +that her teachers did not regard her as even passably intelligent, +there would be a nice to-do. Mother's ambitions knew no bounds; and, +wounded in these, she was quite capable of writing post-haste to Mrs. +Gurley or Mr. Strachey, complaining of their want of insight, and +bringing forward a string of embarrassing proofs. So, leaving Mother to +her pleasing illusions, Laura settled down again to her role of dunce, +now, though, with more equanimity than before. School was really not a +bad place after all—this had for some time been her growing +conviction, and the visit to Godmother seemed to bring it to a head. +</P> + +<P> +About this time, too, a couple of pieces of good fortune came her way. +</P> + +<P> +The first: she was privileged to be third in the friendship between +Inez and Bertha—a favour of which she availed herself eagerly, though +the three were as different from one another as three little girls +could be. Bertha was a good-natured romp, hard-fisted, thick of leg, +and of a plodding but ineffectual industry. Inez, on the other hand, +was so pretty that Laura never tired of looking at her: she had a pale +skin, hazel eyes, brown hair with a yellow light in it, and a Greek +nose. Her mouth was very small; her nostrils were mere tiny slits; and +so lazy was she that she seldom more than half opened her eyes. Both +girls were well over fourteen, and very fully developed: compared with +them, Laura was like nothing so much as a skinny young colt. +</P> + +<P> +She was so grateful to them for tolerating her that she never took up a +stand of real equality with them: proud and sensitive, she was always +ready to draw back and admit their prior rights to each other; hence +the friendship did not advance to intimacy. But such as it was, it was +very comforting; she no longer needed to sit alone in recess; she could +link arms and walk the garden with complacency; and many were the +supercilious glances she now threw at Maria Morell and that clique; for +her new friends belonged socially to the best set in the school. +</P> + +<P> +In another way, too, their company made things easier for her: neither +of them aimed high; and both were well content with the lowly places +they occupied in the class. And so Laura, who was still, in her young +confusion, unequal to discovering what was wanted of her, grew +comforted by the presence and support of her friends, and unmindful of +higher opinion; and Miss Chapman, in supervising evening lessons, +remarked with genuine regret that little Laura was growing perky and +lazy. +</P> + +<P> +Her second piece of good luck was of quite a different nature. +</P> + +<P> +Miss Hicks, the visiting governess for geography, had a gift for saying +biting things that really bit. She bore Inez a peculiar grudge; for she +believed that certain faculties slumbered behind the Grecian profile, +and that only the girl's ingrained sloth prevented them. +</P> + +<P> +One day she lost patience with this sluggish pupil. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll tell you what it is, Inez," she said; "you're blessed with a real +woman's brain: vague, slippery, inexact, interested only in the +personal aspect of a thing. You can't concentrate your thoughts, and, +worst of all, you've no curiosity—about anything that really matters. +You take all the great facts of existence on trust—just as a hen +does—and I've no doubt you'll go on contentedly till the end of your +days, without ever knowing why the ocean has tides, and what causes the +seasons.—It makes me ashamed to belong to the same sex." +</P> + +<P> +Inez's classmates tittered furiously, let the sarcasm glide over them, +unhit by its truth. Inez herself, indeed, was inclined to consider the +governess's taunt a compliment, as proving that she was incapable of a +vulgar inquisitiveness. But Laura, though she laughed docilely with the +rest, could not forget the incident—words in any case had a way of +sticking to her memory—and what Miss Hicks had said often came back to +her, in the days that followed. And then, all of a sudden, just as if +an invisible hand had opened the door to an inner chamber, a light +broke on her. Vague, slippery, inexact, interested only in the +personal—every word struck home. Had Miss Hicks set out to describe +HER, in particular, she could not have done it more accurately. It was +but too true: until now, she, Laura, had been satisfied to know things +in a slipslop, razzle-dazzle way, to know them anyhow, as it best +suited herself. She had never set to work to master a subject, to make +it her own in every detail. Bits of it, picturesque scraps, striking +features—what Miss Hicks no doubt meant by the personal—were all that +had attracted her.—Oh, and she, too, had no intelligent curiosity. She +could not say that she had ever teased her brains with wondering why +the earth went round the sun and not the sun round the earth. Honestly +speaking, it made no difference to her that the globe was indented like +an orange, and not the perfect round you began by believing it to +be.—But if this were so, if she were forced to make these galling +admissions, then it was clear that her vaunted cleverness had never +existed, except in Mother's imagination. Or, at any rate, it had +crumbled to pieces like a lump of earth, under the hard, heavy hand of +Miss Hicks. Laura felt humiliated, and could not understand her +companions treating the matter so airily. She did not want to have a +woman's brain, thank you; not one of that sort; and she smarted for the +whole class. +</P> + +<P> +Straightway she set to work to sharpen her wits, to follow the strait +road. At first with some stumbling, of course, and frequent +backslidings. Intellectual curiosity could not, she discovered, be +awakened to order; and she often caught herself napping. Thus though +she speedily became one of the most troublesome askers-why, her desire +for information was apt to exhaust itself in putting the question, and +she would forget to listen to the answer. Besides, for the life of her +she could not drum up more interest in, say, the course of the Gulf +Stream, or the formation of a plateau, than in the fact that, when +Nelly Bristow spoke, little bubbles came out of her mouth, and that she +needed to swallow twice as often as other people; or that when Miss +Hicks grew angry her voice had a way of failing, at the crucial moment, +and flattening out to nothing—just as if one struck tin after brass. +No, it was indeed difficult for Laura to invert the value of these +things.—In another direction she did better. By dint of close +attention, of pondering both the questions asked by Miss Hicks, and the +replies made by the cleverest pupils, she began to see more clearly +where true knowledge lay. It was facts that were wanted of her; facts +that were the real test of learning; facts she was expected to know. +Stories, pictures of things, would not help her an inch along the road. +Thus, it was not the least use in the world to her to have seen the +snowy top of Mount Kosciusko stand out against a dark blue evening sky, +and to know its shape to a tittlekin. On the other hand, it mattered +tremendously that this mountain was 7308 and not 7309 feet high: that +piece of information was valuable, was of genuine use to you; for it +was worth your place in the class. +</P> + +<P> +Thus did Laura apply herself to reach the school ideal, thus force +herself to drive hard nails of fact into her vagrant thoughts. And with +success. For she had, it turned out, a retentive memory, and to her joy +learning by heart came easy to her—as easy as to the most brilliant +scholars in the form. From now on she gave this talent full play, +memorising even pages of the history book in her zeal; and before many +weeks had passed, in all lessons except those in arithmetic—you could +not, alas! get sums by rote—she was separated from Inez and Bertha by +the width of the class. +</P> + +<P> +But neither her taste of friendship and its comforts, nor the abrupt +change for the better in her class-fortunes, could counterbalance +Laura's luckless knack of putting her foot in it. This she continued to +do, in season and out of season. And not with the authorities alone. +</P> + +<P> +There was, for instance, that unfortunate evening when she was one of +the batch of girls invited to Mrs. Strachey's drawingroom. Laura, +ignorant of what it meant to be blasee, had received her note of +invitation with a thrill, had even enjoyed writing, in her best hand, +the prescribed formula of acceptance. But she was alone in this; by the +majority of her companions these weekly parties were frankly hated, the +chief reason being that every guest was expected to take a piece of +music with her. Even the totally unfit had to show what they could do. +And the fact that cream-tarts were served for supper was not held to +square accounts. +</P> + +<P> +"It's all very well for you," grumbled Laura's room-mate, Lilith +Gordon, as she lathered her thick white arms and neck before dressing. +"You're a new girl; you probably won't be asked." +</P> + +<P> +Laura did not give the matter a second thought: hastily selecting a +volume of music, she followed the rest of the white dresses into the +passage. The senior girl tapped at the drawingroom door. It was opened +by no other than the Principal himself. +</P> + +<P> +In the girls' eyes, Mr. Strachey stood over six feet in his +stocking-soles. He had also a most arrogant way of looking down his +nose, and of tugging, intolerantly, at his long, drooping moustache. +There was little need for him to assume the frigid contemptuousness of +Mrs. Gurley's manner: his mere presence, the very unseeingness of his +gaze, inspired awe. Tales ran of his wrath, were it roused; but few had +experienced it. He quelled the high spirits of these young [P.93] +colonials by his dignified air of detachment. +</P> + +<P> +Now, however, he stood there affable and smiling, endeavouring to put a +handful of awkward girls at their ease. But neither his nor Mrs. +Strachey's efforts availed. It was impossible for the pupils to throw +off, at will, the crippling fear that governed their relations with the +Principal. To them, his amiability resembled the antics of an +uncertain-tempered elephant, with which you could never feel safe.— +Besides on this occasion it was a young batch, and of particularly +mixed stations. And so a dozen girls, from twelve to fifteen years old, +sat on the extreme edges of their chairs, and replied to what was said +to them, with dry throats. +</P> + +<P> +Though the youngest of the party, Laura was the least embarrassed: she +had never known a nursery, but had mixed with her elders since her +babyhood. And she was not of a shy disposition; indeed, she still had +to be reminded daily that shyness was expected of her. So she sat and +looked about her. It was an interesting room in which she found +herself. Low bookshelves, three shelves high, ran round the walls, and +on the top shelf were many outlandish objects. What an evening it would +have been had Mr. Strachey invited them to examine these ornaments, or +to handle the books, instead of having to pick up a title here and +there by chance.—From the shelves, her eyes strayed to the pictures on +the walls; one, in particular struck her fancy. It hung over the +mantelpiece, and was a man's head seen in profile, with a long hooked +nose, and wearing a kind of peaked cap. But that was not all: behind +this head were other profiles of the same face, and seeming to come out +of clouds. Laura stared hard, but could make nothing of it.—And +meanwhile her companions were rising with sickly smiles, to seat +themselves, red as turkey-cocks' combs, on the piano stool, where with +cold, stiff fingers they stumbled through the movement of a sonata or +sonatina. +</P> + +<P> +It was Lilith Gordon who broke the chain by offering to sing. The +diversion was welcomed by Mrs. Strachey, and Lilith went to the piano. +But her nervousness was such that she broke down half-way in the little +prelude to the ballad. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Strachey came to the rescue. "It's so difficult, is it not, to +accompany oneself?" she said kindly. "Perhaps one of the others would +play for you?" +</P> + +<P> +No one moved. +</P> + +<P> +"Do any of you know the song?" +</P> + +<P> +Two or three ungraciously admitted the knowledge, but none volunteered. +</P> + +<P> +It was here Laura chimed in. "I could play it," she said; and coloured +at the sound of her own voice. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Strachey looked doubtfully at the thin little girl. "Do you know +it, dear? You're too young for singing, I think." +</P> + +<P> +"No, I don't know it. But I could play it from sight. It's quite easy." +</P> + +<P> +Everyone looked disbelieving, especially the unhappy singer. +</P> + +<P> +"I've played much harder things than that," continued Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, perhaps you might try," said Mrs. Strachey, with the ingrained +distrust of the unmusical. +</P> + +<P> +Laura rose and went to the piano, where she conducted the song to a +successful ending. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Strachey looked relieved. "Very nice indeed." And to Laura: "Did +you say you didn't know it, dear?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, I never saw it before." +</P> + +<P> +Again the lady looked doubtful. "Well, perhaps you would play us +something yourself now?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura had no objection; she had played to people before her fingers +were long enough to cover the octave. She took the volume of Thalberg +she had brought with her, selected "Home, Sweet Home", and pranced in. +</P> + +<P> +Her audience kept utter silence; but, had she been a little sharper, +she would have grasped that it was the silence of amazement. After the +prim sonatinas that had gone before, Thalberg's florid ornaments had a +shameless sound. Her performance, moreover, was a startling one; the +forte pedal was held down throughout; the big chords were crashed and +banged with all the strength a pair of twelve-year-old arms could put +into them; and wrong notes were freely scattered. Still, rhythm and +melody were well marked, and there was no mistaking the agility of the +small fingers. +</P> + +<P> +Dead silence, too, greeted the conclusion of the piece Several girls +were very red, from trying not to laugh. The Principal tugged at his +moustache, in abstracted fashion. +</P> + +<P> +Laura had reached her seat again before Mrs. Strachey said undecidedly: +"Thank you, dear. Did you ... hm ... learn that piece here?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura saw nothing wrong. "Oh, no, at home," she answered. "I wouldn't +care to play the things I learn here, to people. They're so dull." +</P> + +<P> +A girl emitted a faint squeak. But a half turn of Mrs. Strachey's head +subdued her. "Oh, I hope you will soon get to like classical music +also," said the lady gravely, and in all good faith. "We prefer it, you +know, to any other." +</P> + +<P> +"Do you mean things like the AIR IN G WITH VARIATIONS? I'm afraid I +never shall. There's no tune in them." +</P> + +<P> +Music was as fatal to Laura's equilibrium as wine would have been. +Finding herself next Mr. Strachey, she now turned to him and said, with +what she believed to be ease of manner: "Mr. Strachey, will you please +tell me what that picture is hanging over the mantelpiece? I've been +looking at it ever since I came in, but I can't make it out. Are those +ghosts, those things behind the man, or what?" +</P> + +<P> +It took Mr. Strachey a minute to recover from his astonishment. He +stroked hard, and the look he bent on Laura was not encouraging. +</P> + +<P> +"It seems to be all the same face," continued the child, her eyes on +the picture. +</P> + +<P> +"That," said Mr. Strachey, with extreme deliberation: "that is the +portrait, by a great painter, of a great poet—Dante Alighieri." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Dante, is it?" said Laura showily—she had once heard the name. +"Oh, yes, of course, I know now. He wrote a book, didn't he, called +FAUST? I saw it over there by the door.—What lovely books!" +</P> + +<P> +But here Mr. Strachey abruptly changed his seat, and Laura's thirst for +information was left unquenched. +</P> + +<P> +The evening passed, and she was in blessed ignorance of anything being +amiss, till the next morning after breakfast she was bidden to Mrs. +Gurley. +</P> + +<P> +A quarter of an hour later, on her emerging from that lady's private +sitting-room, her eyes were mere swollen slits in her face. Instead, +however, of sponging them in cold water and bravely joining her +friends, Laura was still foolish enough to hide and have her cry out. +So that when the bell rang, she was obliged to go in to public prayers +looking a prodigious fright, and thereby advertising to the curious +what had taken place. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Gurley had crushed and humiliated her. Laura learnt that she had +been guilty of a gross impertinence, in profaning the ears of the +Principal and Mrs. Strachey with Thalberg's music, and that all the +pieces she had brought with her from home would now be taken from her. +Secondly, Mr. Strachey had been so unpleasantly impressed by the +boldness of her behaviour, that she would not be invited to the +drawing-room again for some time to come. +</P> + +<P> +The matter of the music touched Laura little: if they preferred their +dull old exercises to what she had offered them, so much the worse for +them. But the reproach cast on her manners stung her even more deeply +than it had done when she was still the raw little newcomer: for she +had been pluming herself of late that she was now "quite the thing". +</P> + +<P> +And yet, painful as was this fresh overthrow of her pride, it was +neither the worst nor the most lasting result of the incident. That +concerned her schoolfellows. By the following morning the tale of her +doings was known to everyone. It was circulated in the first place, no +doubt, by Lilith Gordon, who bore her a grudge for her offer to +accompany the song: had Laura not put herself forward in this +objectionable way, Lilith might have escaped singing altogether. Lilith +also resented her having shown that she could do it—and this feeling +was generally shared. It evidenced a want of good-fellowship, and made +you very glad the little prig had afterwards come to grief: if you had +abilities that others had not you concealed them, instead of parading +them under people's noses. +</P> + +<P> +In short, Laura had committed a twofold breach of school etiquette. No +one of course vouchsafed to explain this to her; these things one did +not put into words, things you were expected to know without telling. +Hence, she never more than half understood what she had done. She only +saw disapproval painted on faces that had hitherto been neutral, and +from one or two quarters got what was unmistakably the cold shoulder.— +Her little beginnings at popularity had somehow received a setback, and +through her own foolish behaviour. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap10"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +X. +</H3> + +<P> +The lesson went home; Laura began to model herself more and more on +those around her; to grasp that the unpardonable sin is to vary from +the common mould. +</P> + +<P> +In August, after the midwinter holidays, she was promoted to the second +class; she began Latin; and as a reward was allowed by Mother to wear +her dresses an inch below her knees. She became a quick, adaptable +pupil, with a parrot-like memory, and at the end of the school year +delighted Mother's heart with a couple of highly gilt volumes, of +negligible contents. +</P> + +<P> +At home, during those first holidays, she gave her sister and brothers +cold creeps down their spines, with her stories of the great doings +that took place at school; and none of her class-mates would have +recognised in this arrant drawer-of-the-long-bow, the unlucky little +blunderbuss of the early days. +</P> + +<P> +On her return, Laura's circle of friends was enlarged. The morning +after her arrival, on entering the dining-hall, she found a new girl +standing shy and awkward before the fireplace. This was the daughter of +a millionaire squatter named Macnamara; and the report of her father's +wealth had preceded her. Yet here she now had to hang about, alone, +unhappy, the target of all eyes. It might be supposed that Laura would +feel some sympathy for her, having so recently undergone the same +experience herself. But that was not her way. She rejoiced, in +barbarian fashion, that this girl, older than she by about a year, and +of a higher social standing, should have to endure a like ordeal. +Staring heartlessly, she accentuated her part of old girl knowing all +the ropes, and was so inclined to show off that she let herself in for +a snub from Miss Snodgrass. +</P> + +<P> +Tilly Macnamara joined Laura's class, and the two were soon good +friends. +</P> + +<P> +Tilly was a short, plump girl, with white teeth, rather boyish hands, +and the blue-grey eyes predominant in Australia. She was usually +dressed in silk, and she never wore an apron to protect the front of +her frock. Naturally, too, she had a bottomless supply of pocket-money: +if a subscription were raised, she gave ten shillings where others gave +one; and on the Saturday holidays she flung about with half-crowns as +Laura would have been afraid to do with pennies. +</P> + +<P> +For the latter with her tiny dole, which had to last so and so long, +since no more was forthcoming, it was a difficult task to move +gracefully among companions none of whom knew what it meant to be +really poor. Many trivial mortifications were the result; and countless +small subterfuges had to be resorted to, to prevent it leaking out just +how paltry her allowance was. +</P> + +<P> +But the question of money was, after all, trifling, compared with the +infinitely more important one of dress. +</P> + +<P> +With regard to dress, Laura's troubles were manifold. It was not only +that here, too, by reason of Mother's straitened means, she was forced +to remain an outsider: that, in itself, she would have borne [P.101] +lightly; for, as little girls go, she was indifferent to finery. Had +she had a couple of new frocks a year, in which she could have been +neat and unremarkable, she would have been more than content. But, from +her babyhood on, Laura—and Pin with her—had lamented the fact that +children could not go about clad in sacks, mercifully indistinguishable +one from another. For they were the daughters of an imaginative mother, +and, balked in other outlets, this imagination had wreaked itself on +their clothing. All her short life long, Laura had suffered under a +home-made, picturesque style of dress; and she had resented, with a +violence even Mother did not gauge, this use of her young body as a peg +on which to hang fantastic garments. After her tenth birthday she was, +she thanked goodness, considered too old for the quaint shapes beneath +which Pin still groaned; but there remained the matter of colour for +Mother to sin against, and in this she seemed to grow more intemperate +year by year. Herself dressed always in the soberest browns and blacks, +she liked to see her young flock gay as Paradise birds, lighting up a +drab world; and when Mother liked a thing, she was not given to +consulting the wishes of little people. Those were awful times when she +went, say, to Melbourne, and bought as a bargain a whole roll of cloth +of an impossible colour, which had to be utilised to the last inch; or +when she unearthed, from an old trunk, some antiquated garment to be +cut up and reshaped—a Paisley shawl, a puce ball-dress, even an old +pair of green rep curtains. +</P> + +<P> +It was thus a heavy blow to Laura to find, on going home, that Mother +had already bought her new spring dress. In one respect all was well: +it had been made by the local dressmaker, and consequently had not the +home-made cut that Laura abhorred. But the colour! Her heart fell to +the pit of her stomach the moment she set eyes on it, and only with +difficulty did she restrain her tears.—Mother had chosen a vivid +purple, of a crude, old-fashioned shade. +</P> + +<P> +Now, quite apart from her personal feelings, Laura had come to know +very exactly, during the few months she had been at school, the views +held by her companions on the subject of colour. No matter how +sumptuous or how simple the material of which the dress was made, it +must be dark, or of a delicate tint. Brilliancy was a sign of +vulgarity, and put the wearer outside the better circles. Hence, at +this critical juncture, when Laura was striving to ape her fellows in +all vital matters, the unpropitious advent of the purple threatened to +undo her. +</P> + +<P> +After her first dismayed inspection, she retreated to the bottom of the +garden to give vent to her feelings. +</P> + +<P> +"I shall never be able to wear it," she moaned. "Oh, how COULD she buy +such a thing? And I needed a new dress so awfully, awfully much." +</P> + +<P> +"It isn't really so bad, Laura," pleaded Pin. "It'll look darker, I'm +sure, if you've got it on—and if you don't go out in the sun." +</P> + +<P> +"You haven't got to wear it. It was piggish of you, Pin, perfectly +piggish! You MIGHT have watched what she was buying." +</P> + +<P> +"I did, Laura!" asseverated Pin, on the brink of tears. "There was a +nice dark brown and I said take that, you would like it better, and she +said hold your tongue, and did I think she was going to dress you as if +you were your own grandmother." +</P> + +<P> +This dress hung for weeks in the most private corner of Laura's school +wardrobe. Her companions had all returned with new outfits, and on the +first assemblage for church there was a great mustering of one another, +both by girls and teachers. Laura was the only one to descend in the +dress she had worn throughout the winter. Her heart was sore with +bitterness, and when the handful of Episcopalians were marching to St +Stephen's-on-the-Hill, she strove to soothe her own wound. +</P> + +<P> +"I can't think why my dress hasn't come," she said gratuitously, out of +this hurt, with an oblique glance to see how her partner took the +remark: it was the good-natured Maria Morell, who was resplendent in +velvet and feathers. "I expect that stupid dressmaker couldn't get it +done in time. I've waited for it all the week." +</P> + +<P> +"What a sell!" said Maria, but with mediocre interest; for she had +cocked her eye at a harmless-looking youth, who was doing his best not +to blush on passing the line of girls.—"I say, do look at that toff +making eyes. Isn't he a nanny-goat." +</P> + +<P> +On several subsequent Sundays, Laura fingered, in an agony of +indecision, the pleasing stuff of the dress, and ruefully considered +its modish cut. Once, no one being present, she even took it out of the +wardrobe. But the merciless spring sunshine seemed to make the purple +shoot fire, to let loose a host of other colours it in as well, and, +with a shudder, she re-hung it on its peg. +</P> + +<P> +But the evil day came. After a holiday at Godmother's, she received a +hot letter from Mother. Godmother had complained of her looking +"dowdy", and Mother was exceedingly cross. Laura was ordered to spend +the coming Saturday as well at Prahran, and in her new dress, under +penalty of a correspondence with Mrs. Gurley. There was no going +against an order of this kind, and with death at her heart Laura +prepared to obey. On the fatal morning she dawdled as long as possible +over her mending, thus postponing dressing to go out till the others +had vacated the bedroom; where, in order not to be forced to see +herself, she kept her eyes half shut, and turned the looking-glass +hind-before. Although it was a warm day, she hung a cloak over her +shoulders. But her arms peeped out of the loose sleeves, and at least a +foot of skirt was visible. As she walked along the corridor and down +the stairs, she seemed to smudge the place with colour, and, directly +she entered the dining-hall, comet-like she drew all eyes upon her. +Astonished titterings followed in her wake; even the teachers goggled +her, afterwards to put their heads together. In the reception-room +Marina remarked at once: "Hullo!—is THIS the new dress your mother +wrote us about?" +</P> + +<P> +Outside, things were no better; the very tram-conductors were +fascinated by it; and every passer-by was a fresh object of dread: +Laura waited, her heart a-thump, for the moment when he should raise +his eyes and, with a start of attention, become aware of the screaming +colour. At Godmother's all the faces disapproved: Georgina said, "What +a guy!" when she thought Laura was out of earshot; but the boys stated +their opinion openly as soon as they had her to themselves. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, golly! Like a parrot—ain't she?" +</P> + +<P> +"This way to the purple parrot—this way! Step up, ladies and +gentlemen! A penny the whole show!" +</P> + +<P> +That evening, she tore the dress from her back and, hanging it up +inside the cloak, vowed that, come what might, she would never put it +on again. A day or two later, on unexpectedly entering her bedroom, she +found Lilith Gordon and another girl at her wardrobe. They grew very +red, and hurried giggling from the room, but Laura had seen what they +were looking at. After this, she tied the dress up with string and +brown paper and hid it in a drawer, under her nightgowns. When she went +home at Christmas it went with her, still in the parcel, and then there +was a stormy scene. But Laura was stubborn: rather than wear the dress, +she would not go back to the College at all. Mother's heart had been +softened by the prizes; Laura seized the occasion, and extracted a +promise that she should be allowed in future to choose her own +frocks.— And so the purple dress was passed on to Pin, who detested it +with equal heartiness, but, living under Mother's eye, had not the +spirit to fight against it. +</P> + +<P> +"Got anything new in the way of clothes?" asked Lilith Gordon as she +and Laura undressed for bed a night or two after their return. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, one," said Laura shortly.—For she thought Lilith winked at the +third girl, a publican's daughter from Clunes. +</P> + +<P> +"Another like the last? Or have you gone in for yellow ochre this time?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura flamed in silence. +</P> + +<P> +"Great Scott, what a colour that was! Fit for an Easter Fair—Miss Day +said so." +</P> + +<P> +"It wasn't mine," retorted Laura passionately. "It ... it belonged to a +girl I knew who died—and her mother gave it to me as a remembrance of +her—but I didn't care for it." +</P> + +<P> +"I shouldn't think you did.—But I say, does your mother let you wear +other people's clothes? What a rummy thing to do!" +</P> + +<P> +She went out of the room—no doubt to spread this piece of gossip +further. Laura looked daggers after her. She was angry enough with +Lilith for having goaded her to the lie, but much angrier with herself +for its blundering ineffectualness. It was not likely she had been +believed, and if she were, well, it made matters worse instead of +better: people would conclude that she lived on charity. Always when +unexpectedly required to stand on the defensive, she said or did +something foolish. That morning, for instance, a similar thing had +happened—it had rankled all day in her mind. On looking through the +washing, Miss Day had exclaimed in horror at the way in which her +stockings were mended. +</P> + +<P> +"Whoever did it? They've been done since you left here. I would never +have passed such dams." +</P> + +<P> +Laura crimsoned. "Those? Oh, an old nurse we've got at home. We've had +her for years and years—but her eyesight's going now." +</P> + +<P> +Miss Day sniffed audibly. "So I should think. To cobble like that!" +</P> + +<P> +They were Mother's dams, hastily made, late at night, and with all +Mother's genial impatience at useful sewing as opposed to beautiful. +Laura's intention had been to shield Mother from criticism, as well as +to spare Miss Day's feelings. But to have done it so clumsily as this! +To have had to wince under Miss Day's scepticism! It was only a wonder +the governess had not there and then taxed her with the fib. For who +believed in old nurses nowadays? They were a stock property, borrowed +on the spur of the moment from readings in THE FAMILY HERALD, from +Tennyson's LADY CLARE. Why on earth had such a far-fetched excuse leapt +to her tongue? Why could she not have said Sarah, the servant, the +maid-of-all-work? Then Miss Day would have had no chance to sniff, and +she, Laura, could have believed herself believed, instead of having to +fret over her own stupidity.—But what she would like more than +anything to know was, why the mending of the stockings at home should +NOT be Sarah's work? Why must it just be Mother—her mother alone—who +made herself so disagreeably conspicuous, and not merely by darning the +stockings, but, what was a still greater grievance, by not even darning +them well? +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap11"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XI. +</H3> + +<P> +It was an odd thing, all the same, how easy it was to be friends with +Lilith Gordon: though she did not belong to Laura's set though Laura +did not even like her, and though she had had ample proof that Lilith +was double-faced, not to be trusted. Yet, in the months that followed +the affair of the purple dress, Laura grew more intimate with the +plump, sandy-haired girl than with either Bertha, or Inez, or Tilly. +Or, to put it more exactly, she was continually having lapses into +intimacy, and repenting them when it was too late. In one way Lilith +was responsible for this: she could make herself very pleasant when she +chose, seem to be your friend through thick and thin, thus luring you +on to unbosom yourself; and afterwards she would go away and laugh over +what you had told her, with other girls. And Laura was peculiarly +helpless under such circumstances: if it was done with tact, and with a +certain assumed warmth of manner, anyone could make a cat's-paw of her. +</P> + +<P> +That Lilith and she undressed for bed together had also something to do +with their intimacy: this half-hour when one's hair was unbound and +replaited, and fat and thin arms wielded the brush, was the time of all +others for confidences. The governess who occupied the fourth bed did +not come upstairs till ten o'clock; the publican's daughter, a lazy +girl, was usually half asleep before the other two had their clothes +off. +</P> + +<P> +It was in the course of one of these confidential chats that Laura did +a very foolish thing. In a moment of weakness, she gratuitously gave +away the secret that Mother supported her family by the work of her +hands. +</P> + +<P> +The two girls were sitting on the side of Lilith's bed. Laura had a day +of mishaps behind her—that partly, no doubt, accounted for her +self-indulgence. But, in addition, her companion had just told her, +unasked, that she thought her "very pretty". It was not in Laura's +nature to let this pass: she was never at ease under an obligation; she +had to pay the coin back in kind. +</P> + +<P> +"Embroidery? What sort? However does she do it?"—Lilith's interest was +on tiptoe at once—a false and slimy interest, the victim afterwards +told herself. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, my mother's awfully clever. It's just lovely, too, what she +does—all in silk—and ever so many different colours. She made a +piano-cover once, and got fifty pounds for it." +</P> + +<P> +"How perfectly splendid!" +</P> + +<P> +"But that was only a lucky chance ... that she got that to do. She +mostly does children's dresses and cloaks and things like that." +</P> + +<P> +"But she's not a dressmaker, is she?" +</P> + +<P> +"A dressmaker? I should think not indeed! They're sent up, all ready to +work, from the biggest shops in town." +</P> + +<P> +"I say!—she must be clever." +</P> + +<P> +"She is; she can do anything. She makes the patterns up all out of her +own head. "—And filled with pride in Mother's accomplishments and +Lilith's appreciation of them, Laura fell asleep that night without a +qualm. +</P> + +<P> +It was the next evening. Several of the boarders who had finished +preparing their lessons were loitering in the dining-hall, Laura and +Lilith among them. In the group was a girl called Lucy, young but very +saucy; for she lived at Toorak, and came of one of the best families in +Melbourne. She was not as old as Laura by two years, but was already +feared and respected for the fine scorn of her opinions. +</P> + +<P> +Lilith Gordon had bragged: "My uncle's promised me a gold watch and +chain when I pass matric." +</P> + +<P> +Lucy of Toorak laughed: her nose came down, and her mouth went up at +the corners. "Do you think you ever will?" +</P> + +<P> +"G. o. k. and He won't tell. But I'll probably get the watch all the +same." +</P> + +<P> +"Where does your uncle hang out?" +</P> + +<P> +"Brisbane." +</P> + +<P> +"Sure he can afford to buy it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course he can." +</P> + +<P> +"What is he?" +</P> + +<P> +Lilith was unlucky enough to hesitate, ever so slightly. "Oh, he's got +plenty of money," she asserted. +</P> + +<P> +"She doesn't like to say what he is!" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care whether I say it or not." +</P> + +<P> +"A butcher, p'raps, or an undertaker?" +</P> + +<P> +"A butcher! He's got the biggest newspaper in Brisbane!" +</P> + +<P> +"A newspaper! Great Scott! Her uncle keeps a newspaper!" +</P> + +<P> +There was a burst of laughter from those standing round. +</P> + +<P> +Lilith was scarlet now. "It's nothing to be ashamed of," she said +angrily. +</P> + +<P> +But Lucy of Toorak could not recover from her amusement. "An uncle who +keeps a newspaper! A newspaper! Well, I'm glad none of MY uncles are so +rummy.—I say, does he leave it at front doors himself in the morning?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura had at first looked passively on, well pleased to see another +than herself the butt of young Lucy's wit. But at this stage of her +existence she was too intent on currying favour, to side with any but +the stronger party. And so she joined in the boisterous mirth Lilith's +admission and Lucy's reception of it excited, and flung her gibes with +the rest. +</P> + +<P> +She was pulled up short by a hissing in her ear. "If you say one word +more, I'll tell about the embroidery!" +</P> + +<P> +Laura went pale with fright: she had been in good spirits that day, and +had quite forgotten her silly confidence of the night before. Now, the +jeer that was on the tip of her tongue hung fire. She could not all at +once obliterate her smile—that would have been noticeable; but it grew +weaker, stiffer and more unnatural, then gradually faded away, leaving +her with a very solemn little face. +</P> + +<P> +From this night on, Lilith Gordon represented a powder-mine, which +might explode at any minute.—And she herself had laid the train! +</P> + +<P> +From the outset, Laura had been accepted, socially, by even the most +exclusive, as one of themselves; and this, in spite of her niggardly +allowance, her ridiculous clothes. For the child had race in her: in a +well-set head, in good hands and feet and ears. Her nose, too, had a +very pronounced droop, which could stand only for blue blood, or a +Hebraic ancestor—and Jews were not received as boarders in the school. +Now, loud as money made itself in this young community, effectual as it +was in cloaking shortcomings, it did not go all the way: inherited +instincts and traditions were not so easily subdued. Just some of the +wealthiest, too, were aware that their antecedents would not stand a +close scrutiny; and thus a mighty respect was engendered in them for +those who had nothing to fear. Moreover, directly you got away from the +vastly rich, class distinctions were observed with an exactitude such +as can only obtain in an exceedingly mixed society. The three +professions alone were sacrosanct. The calling of architect, for +example, or of civil engineer, was, if a fortune had not been +accumulated, utterly without prestige; trade, any connection with +trade—the merest bowing acquaintance with buying and selling—was a +taint that nothing could remove; and those girls who were related to +shopkeepers, or, more awful still, to publicans, would rather have +bitten their tongues off than have owned to the disgrace. +</P> + +<P> +Yet Laura knew very well that good birth and an aristocratic appearance +would not avail her, did the damaging fact leak out that Mother worked +for her living. Work in itself was bad enough—how greatly to be envied +were those whose fathers did nothing more active than live on their +money! But the additional circumstance of Mother being a woman made +things ten times worse: ladies did not work; some one always left them +enough to live on, and if he didn't, well, then he, too, shared the +ignominy. So Laura went in fear and trembling lest the truth should +come to light—in that case, she would be a pariah indeed—went in +hourly dread of Lilith betraying her. Nothing, however, happened—at +least as far as she could discover—and she sought to propitiate Lilith +in every possible way. For the time being, though, anxiety turned her +into a porcupine, ready to erect her quills at a touch. She was ever on +the look-out for an allusion to her mother's position, and for the +slight that was bound to accompany it. +</P> + +<P> +Even the governesses noticed the change in her. +</P> + +<P> +Three of them sat one evening round the fire in Mrs. Gurley's +sitting-room, with their feet on the fender. The girls had gone to bed; +it was Mrs. Gurley's night off, and as Miss Day was also on leave, the +three who were left could draw in more closely than usual. Miss +Snodgrass had made the bread into toast—in spite of Miss Chapman's +quakings lest Mrs. Gurley should notice the smell when she came +in—and, as they munched, Miss Snodgrass related how she had just +confiscated a book Laura Rambotham was trying to smuggle upstairs, and +how it had turned out that it belonged, not to Laura herself, but to +Lilith Gordon. +</P> + +<P> +"She was like a little spitfire about it all the same. A most +objectionable child, I call her. It was only yesterday I wanted to look +at some embroidery on her apron—a rather pretty new stitch—and do you +think she'd let me see it? She jerked it away and glared at me as if +she would have liked to eat me. I could have boxed her ears." +</P> + +<P> +"I never have any trouble with Laura. I don't think you know how to +manage her," said Miss Chapman, and executed a little manoeuvre. She +had poor teeth; and, having awaited a moment when Miss Snodgrass's +sharp eyes were elsewhere engaged, she surreptitiously dropped the +crusts of the toast into her handkerchief. +</P> + +<P> +"I'd be sorry to treat her as you do," said Miss Snodgrass, and yawned. +"Girls need to be made to sit up nowadays." +</P> + +<P> +She yawned again, and gazing round the room for fresh food for talk, +caught Miss Zielinski with her eye. "Hullo, Ziely, what are you deep +in?" She put her arm round the other's neck, and unceremoniously laid +hold of her book. "You naughty girl, you're at Ouida again! Always got +your nose stuck in some trashy novel." +</P> + +<P> +"DO let me alone," said Miss Zielinski pettishly, holding fast to the +book; but she did not raise her eyes, for they were wet. +</P> + +<P> +"You know you'll count the washing all wrong again to-morrow, your +head'll be so full of that stuff." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, it's time to go, girls; to-morrow's Saturday." And Miss Chapman +sighed; for, on a Saturday morning between six and eight o'clock, +fifty-five lots of washing had to be sorted out and arranged in piles. +</P> + +<P> +"Holy Moses, what a life!" ejaculated Miss Snodgrass, and yawned again, +in a kind of furious desperation. "I swear I'll marry the first man +that asks me, to get away from it.—As long as he has money enough to +keep me decently." +</P> + +<P> +"You would soon wish yourself back, if you had no more feeling for him +that that," reproved Miss Chapman. +</P> + +<P> +"Catch me! Not even if he had a hump, or kept a mistress, or was over +eighty. Oh dear, oh dear!"—she stretched herself so violently that her +bones cracked; to resume, in a tone of ordinary conversation: "I do +wish I knew whether to put a brown wing or a green one in that blessed +hat of mine." +</P> + +<P> +Miss Chapman's face straightened out from its shocked expression. "Your +hat? Why do you want to change it? It's very nice as it is." +</P> + +<P> +"My dear Miss Chapman, it's at least six months out of date.—Ziely, +you're crying!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not," said Miss Zielinski weakly, caught in the act of blowing her +nose. +</P> + +<P> +"How on earth can you cry over a book? As if it were true!" +</P> + +<P> +"I thank God I haven't such a cold heart as you." +</P> + +<P> +"And I thank God I'm not a romantic idiot. But your name's not Thekla +for nothing I suppose." +</P> + +<P> +"My name's as good as yours. And I won't be looked down on because my +father was once a German." +</P> + +<P> +"'Mr. Kayser, do you vant to buy a dawg?'" hummed Miss Snodgrass. +</P> + +<P> +"Girls, girls!" admonished Miss Chapman. "How you two do bicker.— +There, that's Mrs. Gurley now! And it's long past ten." +</P> + +<P> +At the creaking of the front door both juniors rose, gathered their +belongings together, and hurried from the room. But it was a false +alarm; and having picked up some crumbs and set the chairs in order, +Miss Chapman resumed her seat. As she waited, she looked about her and +wondered, with a sigh, whether it would ever be her good fortune to +call this cheery little room her own. It was only at moments like the +present that she could indulge such a dream. Did Mrs. Gurley stand +before her, majestic in bonnet and mantle, as in a minute or two she +would, or draped in her great shawl, thoughts of this kind sank to +their proper level, and Miss Chapman knew them for what they were +worth. But sitting alone by night, her chin in her hand, her eyes on +the dying fire, around her the eerie stillness of the great house, her +ambition did not seem wholly out of reach; and, giving rein to her +fancy, she could picture herself sweeping through halls and rooms, +issuing orders that it was the business of others to fulfil, could even +think out a few changes that should be made, were she head of the staff. +</P> + +<P> +But the insertion of Mrs. Gurley's key in the lock, the sound of her +foot on the oilcloth, was enough to waken a sense of guilt in Miss +Chapman, and make her start to her feet—the drab, elderly, apologetic +governess once more. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap12"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XII. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +DA REGIERT DER NACHBAR, DA WIRD MAN NACHBAR. +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +You might regulate your outward habit to the last button of what you +were expected to wear; you might conceal the tiny flaws and shuffle +over the big improprieties in your home life, which were likely to +damage your value in the eyes of your companions; you might, in brief, +march in the strictest order along the narrow road laid down for you by +these young lawgivers, keeping perfect step and time with them: yet of +what use were all your pains, if you could not marshal your thoughts +and feelings—the very realest part of you—in rank and file as well? +... if these persisted in escaping control?—Such was the question +which, about this time, began to present itself to Laura's mind. +</P> + +<P> +It first took form on the day Miss Blount, the secretary, popped her +head in at the door and announced: "At half-past three, Class Two to +Number One." +</P> + +<P> +Class Two was taking a lesson in elocution: that is to say Mr. Repton, +the visiting-master for this branch of study, was reading aloud, in a +sonorous voice, a chapter of HANDY ANDY. He underlined his points +heavily, and his hearers, like the self-conscious, emotionally shy +young colonials they were, felt half amused by, half-superior to the +histrionic display. They lounged in easy, ungraceful postures while he +read, reclining one against another, or sprawling forward over the +desks, their heads on their arms. It was the first hour after dinner, +when one's thoughts were sleepy and stupid, and Mr. Repton was not a +pattern disciplinarian; but the general abandonment of attitude had +another ground as well. It had to do with the shape of the master's +legs. These were the object of an enthusiastic admiration. They were +generally admitted to be the handsomest in the school, and those girls +were thought lucky who could get the best view of them beneath the +desk. Moreover, the rumour ran that Mr. Repton had once been an +actor—his very curly hair no doubt lent weight to the report—and +Class Two was fond of picturing the comely limbs in the tights of a +Hamlet or Othello. It also, of course, invented for him a lurid life +outside the College walls—notwithstanding the fact that he and his +sonsy wife sat opposite the boarders in church every Sunday morning, +the embodiment of the virtuous commonplace; and whenever he looked at a +pupil, every time he singled one of them out for special notice, he was +believed to have an ulterior motive, his words were construed into +meaning something they should not mean: so that the poor man was often +genuinely puzzled by the reception of his friendly overtures.—Such was +Class Two's youthful contribution to the romance of school life. +</P> + +<P> +On this particular day, however, the sudden, short snap of the +secretary's announcement that, instead of dispersing at half-past +three, the entire school was to reassemble, galvanised the class. +Glances of mingled apprehension and excitement flew round; eyes +telegraphed [P.119] vigorous messages; and there was little attention +left for well-shaped members, or for the antics of Handy Andy under his +mother's bed. +</P> + +<P> +But when the hour came, and all classes were moving in the same +direction, verandahs and corridors one seething mass of girls, it was +the excitement that prevailed. For any break was welcome in the +uniformity of the days; and the nervous tension now felt was no more +disagreeable, at bottom, than was the pleasant trepidation experienced +of old by those who went to be present at a hanging. +</P> + +<P> +In the course of the past weeks a number of petty thefts had been +committed. Day-scholars who left small sums of money in their jacket +pockets would find, on returning to the cloakrooms, that these had been +pilfered. For a time, the losses were borne in silence, because of the +reluctance inherent in young girls to making a fuss. But when shillings +began to vanish in the same fashion, and once even half-a-crown was +missing, it was recognised that the thing must be put a stop to; and +one bolder than the rest, and with a stronger sense of public morality, +lodged a complaint. Investigations were made, a trap was set, and the +thief discovered.—The school was now assembled to see justice done. +</P> + +<P> +The great room was fuller even than at morning prayers; for then there +was always an unpunctual minority. A crowd of girls who had not been +able to find seats was massed together at the further end. As at +prayers, visiting and resident teachers stood in a line, with their +backs to the high windows; they were ranged in order of precedence, +topped by Dr Pughson, who stood next Mr. Strachey's desk. All [P.120] +alike wore blank, stern faces. +</P> + +<P> +In one of the rows of desks for two—blackened, ink-scored, dusty +desks, with eternally dry ink-wells—sat Laura and Tilly, behind them +Inez and Bertha. The cheeks of the four were flushed. But, while the +others only whispered and wondered, Laura was on the tiptoe of +expectation. She could not get her breath properly, and her hands and +feet were cold. Twisting her fingers, in and out, she moistened her +lips with her tongue.—When, oh, when would it begin? +</P> + +<P> +These few foregoing minutes were the most trying of any. For when, in +an ominous hush, Mr. Strachey entered and strode to his desk, Laura +suddenly grew calm, and could take note of everything that passed. +</P> + +<P> +The Principal raised his hand, to enjoin a silence that was already +absolute. +</P> + +<P> +"Will Miss Johns stand up!" +</P> + +<P> +At these words, spoken in a low, impressive tone, Bertha burst into +tears and hid her face in her handkerchief. Hundreds of eyes sought the +unhappy culprit as she rose, then to be cast down and remain glued to +the floor. +</P> + +<P> +The girl stood, pale and silly-looking, and stared at Mr. Strachey much +as a rabbit stares at the snake that is about to eat it. She was a very +ugly girl of fourteen, with a pasty face, and lank hair that dangled to +her shoulders. Her mouth had fallen half open through fear, and she did +not shut it all the time she was on view. +</P> + +<P> +Laura could not take her eyes off the scene: they travelled, burning +with curiosity, from Annie Johns to Mr. Strachey, and back again to the +miserable thief. When, after a few introductory remarks on crime in +general, the Principal passed on to the present case, and described it +in detail, Laura was fascinated by his oratory, and gazed full at him. +He made it all live vividly before her; she hung on his lips, +appreciating his points, the skilful way in which he worked up his +climaxes. But then, she herself knew what it was to be poor—as Annie +Johns had been. She understood what it would mean to lack your +tram-fare on a rainy morning—according to Mr. Strachey this was the +motor impulse of the thefts—because a lolly shop had stretched out its +octopus arms after you. She could imagine, too, with a shiver, how easy +it would be, the loss of the first pennies having remained +undiscovered, to go on to threepenny-bits, and from these to sixpences. +More particularly since the money had been taken, without exception, +from pockets in which there was plenty. Not, Laura felt sure, in order +to avoid detection, as Mr. Strachey supposed, but because to those who +had so much a few odd coins could not matter. She wondered if everyone +else agreed with him on this point. How did the teachers feel about +it?—and she ran her eyes over the row, to learn their opinions from +their faces. But these were as stolid as ever. Only good old Chapman, +she thought, looked a little sorry, and Miss Zielinski—yes, Miss +Zielinski was crying! This discovery thrilled Laura—just as, at the +play, the fact of one spectator being moved to tears intensifies his +neighbour's enjoyment.—But when Mr. Strachey left the field of +personal narration and went on to the moral aspects of the affair, +Laura ceased to be gripped by him, and turned anew to study the pale, +dogged face [P.122] of the accused, though she had to crane her neck to +do it. Before such a stony mask as this, she was driven to imagine what +must be going on behind it; and, while thus engrossed, she felt her arm +angrily tweaked. It was Tilly. +</P> + +<P> +"You ARE a beast to stare like that!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not staring." +</P> + +<P> +She turned her eyes away at once, more than half believing her own +words; and then, for some seconds, she tried to do what was expected of +her: to feel a decent unconcern. At her back, Bertha's purry crying +went steadily on. What on earth did she cry for? She had certainly not +heard a word Mr. Strachey said. Laura fidgeted in her seat, and stole a +sideglance at Tilly's profile. She could not, really could not miss the +last scene of all, when, in masterly fashion, the Principal was +gathering the threads together. And so, feeling rather like "Peeping +Tom", she cautiously raised her eyes again, and this time managed to +use them without turning her head. +</P> + +<P> +All other eyes were still charitably lowered. Several girls were crying +now, but without a sound. And, as the last, awful moments drew near, +even Bertha was hushed, and of all the odd hundreds of throats not one +dared to cough. Laura's heart began to palpitate, for she felt the +approach of the final climax, Mr. Strachey's periods growing ever +slower and more massive. +</P> + +<P> +When, after a burst of eloquence which, the child felt, would not have +shamed a Bishop, the Principal drew himself up to his full height, and, +with uplifted arm, thundered forth: "Herewith, Miss Annie Johns, I +publicly expel you from the school! Leave it, now, this moment, and +never darken its doors again!"—when this happened, Laura was shot +through by an ecstatic quiver, such as she had felt once only in her +life before; and that was when a beautiful, golden-haired Hamlet, who +had held a Ballarat theatre entranced for a whole evening, fell dead by +Laertes' sword, to the rousing plaudits of the house. Breathing +unevenly, she watched, lynx-eyed, every inch of Annie Johns' progress: +watched her pick up her books, edge out of her seat and sidle through +the rows of desks; watched her walk to the door with short jerky +movements, mount the two steps that led to it, fumble with the handle, +turn it, and vanish from sight; and when it was all over, and there was +nothing more to see, she fell back in her seat with an audible sigh. +</P> + +<P> +It was too late after this for the winding of the snaky line about the +streets and parks of East Melbourne, which constituted the boarders' +daily exercise. They were despatched to stretch their legs in the +garden. Here, as they walked round lawns and tennis-courts, they +discussed the main event of the afternoon, and were a little more +vociferous than usual, in an attempt to shake off the remembrance of a +very unpleasant half-hour. +</P> + +<P> +"I bet you Sandy rather enjoyed kicking up that shindy." +</P> + +<P> +"DID you see Puggy's boots again? Girls, he MUST take twelves!" +</P> + +<P> +"And that old blubber of a Ziely's handkerchief! It was filthy. I told +you yesterday I was sure she never washed her neck." +</P> + +<P> +Bertha, whose tears had dried as rapidly as sea-spray, gave Laura a dig +in the ribs. "What's up with you, old Tweedledum? You're as glum as a +lubra." +</P> + +<P> +"No, I'm not." +</P> + +<P> +"It's my belief that Laura was sorry for that pig," threw in Tilly. +</P> + +<P> +"Indeed I wasn't!" said Laura indignantly. +</P> + +<P> +"Sorry for a thief?" +</P> + +<P> +"I tell you I WASN'T!"—and this was true. Among the divers feelings +Laura had experienced that afternoon, pity had not been included. +</P> + +<P> +"If you want to be chums with such a mangy beast, you'd better go to +school in a lock-up." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know what my father'd say, if he knew I'd been in the same +class as a pickpocket," said the daughter of a minister from Brisbane. +"I guess he wouldn't have let me stop here a week." +</P> + +<P> +Laura went one better. "My mother wouldn't have let me stop a day." +</P> + +<P> +Those standing by laughed, and a girl from the Riverina said: "Oh, no, +of course not!" in a tone that made Laura wince and regret her +readiness. +</P> + +<P> +Before tea, she had to practise. The piano stood in an outside +classroom, where no one could hear whether she was diligent or idle, +and she soon gave up playing and went to the window. Here, having +dusted the gritty sill with her petticoat, she leaned her chin on her +two palms and stared out into the sunbaked garden. It was empty now, +and very still. The streets that lay behind the high palings were +deserted in the drowsy heat; the only sound to be heard was a gentle +tinkling to vespers in the neighbouring Catholic Seminary. Leaning thus +on her elbows, and balancing herself first on her heels, then on her +toes, Laura went on, in desultory fashion, with the thoughts that had +been set in motion during the afternoon. She wondered where Annie Johns +was now, and what she was doing; wondered how she had faced her mother, +and what her father had said to her. All the rest of them had gone back +at once to their everyday life; Annie Johns alone was cut adrift. What +would happen to her? Would she perhaps be turned out of the house? ... +into the streets?—and Laura had a lively vision of the guilty +creature, in rags and tatters, slinking along walls and sleeping under +bridges, eternally moved on by a ruthless London policeman (her only +knowledge of extreme destitution being derived from the woeful tale of +"Little Jo").—And to think that the beginning of it all had been the +want of a trumpery tram-fare. How safe the other girls were! No wonder +they could allow themselves to feel shocked and outraged; none of THEM +knew what it was not to have threepence in your pocket. While she, +Laura ... Yes, and it must be this same incriminating acquaintance with +poverty that made her feel differently about Annie Johns and what she +had done. For her feelings HAD been different—there was no denying +that. Did she now think back over the half-hour spent in Number One, +and act honest Injun with herself, she had to admit that her +companions' indignant and horrified aversion to the crime had not been +hers, let alone their decent indifference towards the criminal. No, to +be candid, she had been deeply interested in the whole affair, had even +managed to extract an unseemly amount of entertainment from it. And +that, of course, should not have been. It was partly Mr. Strachey's +fault, for making it so dramatic; but none the less she genuinely +despised herself, for having such a queer inside. +</P> + +<P> +"Pig—pig—pig!" she muttered under her breath, and wrinkled her nose +in a grimace. +</P> + +<P> +The real reason of her pleasurable absorption was, she supposed, that +she had understood Annie Johns' motive better than anyone else. Well, +she had had no business to understand—that was the long and the short +of it: nice-minded girls found such a thing impossible, and turned +incuriously away. And her companions had been quick to recognise her +difference of attitude, or they would never have dared to accuse her of +sympathy with the thief, or to doubt her chorusing assertion with a +sneer. For them, the gap was not very wide between understanding and +doing likewise. And they were certainly right.—Oh! the last wish in +the world she had was to range herself on the side of the sinner; she +longed to see eye to eye with her comrades—if she had only known how +to do it. For there was no saying where it might lead you, if you +persisted in having odd and peculiar notions; you might even end by +being wicked yourself. Let her take a lesson in time from Annie's fate. +For, beginning perhaps with ideas that were no more unlike those of her +schoolfellows than were Laura's own, Annie was now a branded thief and +an outcast.—And the child's feelings, as she stood at the window, were +not very far removed from prayer. Had they found words, they would have +taken the form of an entreaty that she might be preserved from having +thoughts that were different from other people's; that she might be +made to feel as she ought to feel, in a proper, ladylike way—and +especially did she see a companion convicted of crime. +</P> + +<P> +Below all this, in subconscious depths, a chord of fear seemed to have +been struck in her as well—the fear of stony faces, drooped lids, and +stretched, pointing fingers. For that night she started up, with a cry, +from dreaming that not Annie Johns but she was being expelled; that an +army of spear-like first fingers was marching towards her, and that, +try as she would, she could not get her limp, heavy legs to bear her to +the schoolroom door. +</P> + +<P> +And this dream often returned. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap13"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XIII. +</H3> + +<P> +ON her honourable promotion the following Christmas—she mounted two +forms this time—Laura was a thin, middle-sized girl of thirteen, who +still did not look her age. The curls had vanished. In their place hung +a long, dark plait, which she bound by choice with a red ribbon. +</P> + +<P> +Tilly was the only one of her intimates who skipped a class with her; +hence she was thrown more exclusively than before on Tilly's +companionship; for it was a melancholy fact: if you were not in the +same class as the girl who was your friend, your interests and hers +were soon fatally sundered. On their former companions, Tilly and +Laura, from their new perch, could not but look down: the two had +masters now for all subjects; Euclid loomed large; Latin was no longer +bounded by the First Principia; and they fussed considerably, in the +others' hearing, over the difficulties of the little blue books that +began: GALLIA EST OMNIS DIVISA IN PARTES TRES. +</P> + +<P> +In the beginning, they held very close together; for their new fellows +were inclined to stand on their dignity with the pair of interlopers +from Class Two. They were all older than Tilly and Laura, and thought +themselves wiser: here were girls of sixteen and seventeen years of +age, some of whom would progress no farther along the high-road of +education. As for the boarders who sat in this form, they made up a +jealous little clique, and it was some time before the younger couple +could discover the secret bond. +</P> + +<P> +Then, one morning, the two were sitting with a few others on the +verandah bench, looking over their lessons for the day. Mrs. Gurley had +snatched a moment's rest there, on her way to the secretary's office, +and as long as she allowed her withering eye to play upon things and +people, the girls conned their pages with a great show of industry. But +no sooner had she sailed away than Kate Horner leant forward and called +to Maria Morell, who was at the other end of the seat: "I say, Maria, +Genesis LI, 32."—She held an open Bible in her hand. +</P> + +<P> +Maria Morell frowned caution. "Dash it, Kate, mind those kids!" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, they won't savvy." +</P> + +<P> +But Laura's eyes were saucers of curiosity, for Tilly, who kept her +long lashes lowered, had given her a furious nudge. With a wink and a +beck to each other, the bigger girls got up and went away. +</P> + +<P> +"I say, what did you poke me so hard for?" inquired Laura as she and +Tilly followed in their wake, at the clanging of the public prayer-bell. +</P> + +<P> +"You soft, didn't you hear what she said?" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course I did"—and Laura repeated the reference. +</P> + +<P> +"Let's look it up then." Under cover of the prayer Tilly sought it out, +and together they bent their heads over it. +</P> + +<P> +On this occasion, Tilly was more knowing than Laura; but on this alone; +for when Laura once grasped what they were driving at, she was as +nimble-witted as any. +</P> + +<P> +Only a day or two later it was she who, in face of Kate and Maria, +invited Tilly to turn up chapter and verse. +</P> + +<P> +Both the elder girls burst out laughing. +</P> + +<P> +"By dad!" cried Kate Horner, and smacked her thigh. "This kid knows a +thing or two." +</P> + +<P> +"You bet! I told you she wasn't born yesterday."—And Maria laid her +arm round Laura's shoulders. +</P> + +<P> +Thus was Laura encouraged, put on her mettle; and soon there was no +more audacious Bible-reader in the class than she. +</P> + +<P> +The girls were thrown thus upon the Book of Books for their contraband +knowledge, since it was the only frankly outspoken piece of literature +allowed within the College walls: the classics studied were rigidly +expurgated; the school library was kept so dull that no one over the +age of ten much cared to borrow a volume from it. And, by fair means or +unfair, it was necessary to obtain information on matters of sex; for +girls most of whom were well across the threshold of womanhood the +subject had an invincible fascination. +</P> + +<P> +Such knowledge as they possessed was a strange jumble, picked up at +random: in one direction they were well primed; in another, supremely +ignorant. Thus, though they received lectures on what was called +"Physiology", and for these were required to commit to memory the name +of every bone and artery in the body, yet all that related to a woman's +special organs and chief natural function was studiously ignored. The +subject being thus chastely shrouded in mystery, they were thrown back +on guesswork and speculation—with the quaintest results. The fancies +woven by quite big girls, for instance, round the physical feat of +bringing a child into the world, would have supplied material for a +volume of fairytales. On many a summer evening at this time, in a nook +of the garden, heads of all shades might have been seen pressed as +close together as a cluster of settled bees; and like the humming of +bees, too, were the busy whisperings and subdued buzzes of laughter +that accompanied this hot discussion of the "how"—as a living answer +to which, each of them would probably some day walk the world. +Innumerable theories were afloat, one more fantastic than another; and +the wilder the conjecture, the greater was the respect and applause it +gained. +</P> + +<P> +On the other hand, of less profitable information they had amassed a +goodly store. Girls who came from up-country could tell a lively tale +of the artless habits of the blacks; others, who were at home in mining +towns, described the doings in Chinese camps—those unavoidable +concomitants of gold-grubbing settlements; rhymes circulated that would +have staggered a back-blocker; while the governesses were without +exception, young and old, kindly and unkindly, laid under such +flamboyant suspicions as the poor ladies had, for certain, never heard +breathed—since their own impudent schooldays. +</P> + +<P> +This dabbling in the illicit—it had little in common with the opener +grime of the ordinary schoolboy—did not even widen the outlook of +these girls. For it was something to hush up and keep hidden away, to +have qualms, even among themselves, about knowing; and, like all +knowledge that fungus-like shrinks from the sun, it was stunted and +unlovely. Their minds were warped by it, their vision was distorted: +viewed through its lens, the most natural human relations appeared +unnatural. Thus, not the primmest patterns of family life could hope +for mercy in their eyes; over the family, too, man, as read by these +young rigorists, was held to leave his serpent's trail of desire. +</P> + +<P> +For out of it all rose the vague, crude picture of woman as the prey of +man. Man was animal, a composite of lust and cruelty, with no aim but +that of brutally taking his pleasure: something monstrous, yet to be +adored; annihilating, yet to be sought after; something to flee and, at +the same time, to entice, with every art at one's disposal. +</P> + +<P> +As long as it was solely a question of clandestine knowledge and +ingenious surmisings, Laura went merrily with the rest: here no barrier +shut her off from her companions. Always a very inquisitive little +girl, she was now agog to learn new lore. Her mind, in this direction, +was like a clean but highly sensitised plate. And partly because of her +previous entire ignorance, partly because of her extreme receptiveness, +she soon outstripped her comrades, and before long, was one of the most +skilful improvisers of the group: a dexterous theorist: a wicked little +adept at innuendo. +</P> + +<P> +But that was all; a step farther, and she ran her head against a stone +wall. For the invisible yeast that brought this ferment of natural +curiosity to pass, was the girls' intense interest in the opposite sex: +a penned-up interest that clamoured for an outlet; an interest which, +in the life of these prospective mothers, had already usurped the main +place. Laura, on the other hand, had so far had scant experience of +boys of a desirable age, nor any liking for such as she had known; +indeed she still held to her childish opinion that they were +"silly"—feckless creatures, in spite of their greater strength and +size—or downright disagreeable and antagonistic, like Godmother's +Erwin and Marmaduke. No breath of their possible dangerous fascination +had hitherto reached her. Hence, an experience that came her way, at +the beginning of the autumn was of the nature of an awakening. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap14"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XIV. +</H3> + +<P> +"My cousin Bob's awfully gone on you." +</P> + +<P> +Laura gaped at Tilly, in crimson disbelief. "But I've never spoken to +him!" +</P> + +<P> +"Doesn't count. He's seen you in church." +</P> + +<P> +"Go on!—you're stuffing." +</P> + +<P> +"Word of honour!—And I've promised him to ask aunt if I can bring you +with me to lunch next Saturday." +</P> + +<P> +Laura looked forward to this day with mixed feelings. She was flattered +at being invited to the big house in town where Tilly's relatives +lived; but she felt embarrassed at the prospect, and she had not the +least idea what a boy who was "gone" on you would expect you to be or +to do. Bob was a beautiful youth of seventeen, tall, and dark, and +slender, with milk-white teeth and Spanish eyes; and Laura's mouth +dried up when she thought of perhaps having to be sprightly or +coquettish with him. +</P> + +<P> +On the eventful morning Tilly came to her room while she was dressing, +and eyed her critically. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I say, don't put on that brown hat ... for mercy's sake! Bob can't +stand brown." +</P> + +<P> +But the brown was Laura's best, and she demurred. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh well, if you don't care to look nice, you know ..." +</P> + +<P> +Of course she did; she was burning to. She even accepted the loan of a +sash from her friend, because "Bob loves blue"; and went out feeling +odd and unlike herself, in her everyday hat and borrowed plumes. +</P> + +<P> +The Aunt, a pleasant, youthful-looking lady, called for them in a +white-hooded wagonette, and set them down at the house with a playful +warning. +</P> + +<P> +"Now don't get up to any mischief, you two!" +</P> + +<P> +"No fear!" was Tilly's genial response, as Aunt and cab drove off. +</P> + +<P> +They were going to "do the block", Tilly explained, and would meet Bob +there; but they must first make sure that the drive had not disarranged +their hair or the position of their hats; and she led the way to her +aunt's bedroom. +</P> + +<P> +Laura, though she had her share of natural vanity, was too impatient to +do more than cast a perfunctory glance at her reflected self. At this +period of her life when a drive in a hired cab was enough of a novelty +to give her pleasure, a day such as the one that lay before her filled +her with unbounded anticipation. +</P> + +<P> +She fidgeted from one leg to another while she waited. For Tilly was in +no hurry to be gone: she prinked and finicked, making lavish use, after +the little swing-glass at school, of the big mirror with its movable +wings; she examined her teeth, pulled down her under-lids, combed her +eyebrows, twisted her neck this way and that, in an endeavour to view +her person from every angle; she took liberties with perfumes and +brushes: was, in short, blind and deaf to all but the perfecting of +herself—this rather mannish little self, which, despite a most womanly +plumpness, affected a boyish bonhomie, and emphasised the role by +wearing a stiff white collar and cuffs. +</P> + +<P> +Laura was glad when she at last decided that she would "do", and when +they stepped out into the radiant autumn morning. +</P> + +<P> +"What a perfectly scrumptious day!" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, bully.—I say, IS my waist all right?" +</P> + +<P> +"Quite right. And ever so small." +</P> + +<P> +"I know. I gave it an extra pull-in.—Now if only we're lucky enough to +get hold of a man or two we know!" +</P> + +<P> +The air, Australian air, met them like a prickling champagne: it was +incredibly crisp, pure, buoyant. From the top of the eastern hill the +spacious white street sloped speedily down, to run awhile in a hollow, +then mount again at the other end. Where the two girls turned into it, +it was quiet; but the farther they descended, the fuller it +grew—fuller of idlers like themselves, out to see and to be seen. +</P> + +<P> +Laura cocked her chin; she had not had a like sense of freedom since +being at school. And besides, was not a boy, a handsome boy, waiting +for her, and expecting her? This was the CLOU of the day, the end for +which everything was making; yet of such stuff was Laura that she would +have felt relieved, could the present moment have been spun out +indefinitely. The state of suspense was very pleasant to her. +</P> + +<P> +As for Tilly, that young lady was swinging the shoulders atop of the +little waist in a somewhat provocative fashion, only too conscious of +the grey-blueness of her fine eyes, and the modish cut of her clothes. +She had a knack which seemed to Laura both desirable and unattainable: +that of appearing to be engrossed in glib chat with her companion, +while in reality she did not hear a word Laura said, and ogled everyone +who passed, out of the tail of her eye. +</P> + +<P> +They reached the "block", that strip of Collins Street which forms the +fashionable promenade. Here the road was full of cabs and carriages, +and there was a great crowd on the pavement. The girls progressed but +slowly. People were meeting their friends, shopping, changing books at +the library, eating ices at the confectioner's, fruit at the big +fruit-shop round the corner. There were a large number of high-collared +young dudes, some Trinity and Ormond men with coloured hatbands, ladies +with little parcels dangling from their wrists, and countless +schoolgirls like themselves. Tilly grew momentarily livelier; her big +eyes pounced, hawk-like, on every face she met, and her words to Laura +became more disjointed than before. Finally, her efforts were crowned +with success: she managed, by dint of glance and smile combined, to +unhook a youth of her acquaintance from a group at a doorway, and to +attach him to herself. +</P> + +<P> +In high good humour now that her aim was accomplished, she set about +the real business of the morning—that of promenading up and down. She +had no longer even a feigned interest left for Laura, and the latter +walked beside the couple a lame and unnecessary third. Though she kept +a keen watch for Bob, she could not discover him, and her time was +spent for the most part in dodging people, and in catching up with her +companions for it was difficult to walk three abreast in the crowd. +</P> + +<P> +Then she saw him—and with what an unpleasant shock. If only Tilly did +not see him, too! +</P> + +<P> +But no such luck was hers. "Look out, there's Bob," nudged Tilly almost +at once. +</P> + +<P> +Alas! there was no question of his waiting longingly for her to appear. +He was walking with two ladies, and laughing and talking. He raised his +hat to his cousin and her friend, but did not disengage himself, and +passing them by disappeared in the throng. +</P> + +<P> +Behind her hand Tilly buzzed: "One of those Woodwards is awfully sweet +on him. I bet he can't get loose." +</P> + +<P> +This was a drop of comfort. But as, at the next encounter, he still did +not offer to join them—could it, indeed, be expected that he would +prefer her company to that of the pretty, grown-up girls he was +with?—as he again sidled past, Tilly, who had given him one of her +most vivacious sparkles, turned and shot a glance at Laura's face. +</P> + +<P> +"For pity's sake, look a little more amiable, or he won't come at all." +</P> + +<P> +Laura felt more like crying; her sunshine was intercepted, her good +spirits were quenched; had she had her will, she would have turned tail +and gone straight back to school. She had not wanted Bob, had never +asked him to be 'gone' on her, and if she had now to fish for him, into +the bargain...However there was no help for it; the thing had to be +gone through with; and, since Tilly seemed disposed to lay the blame of +his lukewarmness at her door, Laura glued her mouth, the next time Bob +hove in sight, into a feeble smile. +</P> + +<P> +Soon afterwards he came up to them. His cousin had an arch greeting in +readiness. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you've been doing a pretty mash, you have!" she cried, and +jogged him with her elbow. "No wonder you'd no eyes for poor us. What +price Miss Woodward's gloves this morning!"—at which Bob laughed, +looked sly, and tapped his breast pocket. +</P> + +<P> +It was time to be moving homewards. Tilly and her beau led the way. +"For we know you two would rather be alone. Now, Bob, not too many +sheep's-eyes, please!" +</P> + +<P> +Bob smiled, and let fly a wicked glance at Laura from under his dark +lashes. Dropping behind, they began to mount the hill. Now was the +moment, felt Laura, to say something very witty, or pert, or clever; +and a little pulse in her throat beat hard, as she furiously racked her +brains. Oh, for just a morsel of Tilly's loose-tonguedness! One after +the other she considered and dismissed: the pleasant coolness of the +morning, the crowded condition of the street, even the fact of the next +day being Sunday—ears and cheeks on fire, meanwhile, at her own +slow-wittedness. And Bob smiled. She almost hated him for that smile. +It was so assured, and withal so disturbing. Seen close at hand his +teeth were whiter, his eyes browner than she had believed. His upper +lip, too, was quite dark; and he fingered it incessantly, as he waited +for her to make the onslaught. +</P> + +<P> +But he waited in vain; and when they had walked a whole street-block in +this mute fashion, it was he who broke the silence. +</P> + +<P> +"Ripping girls, those Woodwards," he said, and seemed to be remembering +their charms. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, they looked very nice," said Laura in a small voice, and was +extremely conscious of her own thirteen years. +</P> + +<P> +"Simply stunning! Though May's so slender—May's the pretty one—and +has such a jolly figure ... I believe I could span her waist with my +two hands ... her service is just A1—at tennis I mean." +</P> + +<P> +"Is it really?" said Laura wanly, and felt unutterably depressed at the +turn the conversation was taking.—Her own waist was coarse, her +knowledge of tennis of the slightest. +</P> + +<P> +"Ra-THER! Overhand, with a cut on it—she plays with a 14-oz. racquet. +And she has a back drive, too, by Jove, that—you play, of course?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes." Laura spoke up manfully; but prayed that he would not press +his inquiries further. At this juncture his attention was diverted by +the passing of a fine tandem; and as soon as he brought it back to her +again, she said: 'You're at Trinity, aren't you?'—which was finesse; +for she knew he wasn't. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, yes ... all but," answered Bob well pleased. "I start in this +winter." +</P> + +<P> +"How nice!" +</P> + +<P> +There was another pause; then she blurted out: "We church girls always +wear Trinity colours at the boat-race." +</P> + +<P> +She hoped from her heart, this might lead him to say that he would look +out for her there; but he did nothing of the kind. His answer was to +the effect that this year they jolly well expected to knock Ormond into +a cocked hat. +</P> + +<P> +Lunch threatened to be formidable. To begin with, Laura, whose natural, +easy frankness had by this time all but been successfully educated out +of her, Laura was never shyer with strangers than at a meal, where +every word you said could be listened to by a tableful of people. Then, +too, her vis-a-vis was a small sharp child of five or six, called +Thumbby, or Thumbkin, who only removed her bead-like eyes from Laura's +face to be saucy to her father. And, what was worse, the Uncle turned +out to be a type that struck instant terror into Laura: a full-fledged +male tease.—He was, besides, very hairy of face, and preternaturally +solemn. +</P> + +<P> +No sooner had he drawn in his chair to the table than he began. Lifting +his head and thrusting out his chin, he sniffed the air in all +directions with a moving nose—just as a cat does. Everyone looked at +him in surprise. Tilly, who sat next him, went pink. +</P> + +<P> +"What is it, dear?" his wife at last inquired in a gentle voice; for it +was evident that he was not going to stop till asked why he did it. +</P> + +<P> +"Mos' extraor'nary smell!" he replied. "Mother, d'you know, I could +take my appledavy some one has been using my scent." +</P> + +<P> +"Nonsense, Tom." +</P> + +<P> +"Silly pa!" said the little girl. +</P> + +<P> +Ramming his knuckles into his eyes, he pretended to cry at his +daughter's rebuke; then bore down on Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"D'you know, Miss Ra ... Ra ... Rambotham"—he made as if he could not +get her name out—"d'you know that I'm a great man for scent? Fact. I +take a bath in it every morning." +</P> + +<P> +Laura smiled uncertainly, fixed always by the child. +</P> + +<P> +"Fact, I assure you. Over the tummy, up to the chin.—Now, who's been +at it? For it's my opinion I shan't have enough left to shampoo my +eyebrows.—Bob, is it you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be an ass, pater." +</P> + +<P> +"Cut me some bread, Bob, please," said Tilly hastily. +</P> + +<P> +"Mos' extraor'nary thing!" persisted the Uncle. "Or—good Lord, mother, +can it be my monthly attack of D.T.'s beginning already? They're not +due, you know, till next week, Monday, five o'clock." +</P> + +<P> +"Dear, DON'T be so silly. Besides it's my scent, not yours. And anyone +is welcome to it." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, well, let's call in the cats!—By the way, Miss Ra ... Ra ... +Rambotham, are you aware that this son of mine is a professed +lady-killer?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura and Bob went different shades of crimson. +</P> + +<P> +"Why has she got so red?" the child asked her mother, in an audible +whisper. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, CHUCK it, pater!" murmured Bob in disgust. +</P> + +<P> +"Fact, I assure you. Put not your trust in Robert! He's always on with +the new love before he's off with the old. You ask him whose glove he's +still cherishing in the pocket next his heart." +</P> + +<P> +Bob pushed his plate from him and, for a moment, seemed about to leave +the table. Laura could not lift her eyes. Tilly chewed in angry silence. +</P> + +<P> +Here, however, the child made a diversion. +</P> + +<P> +"You're a lady-kilda yourself, pa." +</P> + +<P> +"Me, Thumbkin?—Mother, d'you hear that?—Then it's the whiskers, +Thumbby. Ladies love whiskers—or a fine drooping moustache, like my +son Bob's." He sang: "'Oh, oh, the ladies loved him so!'" +</P> + +<P> +"Tom, dear, DO be quiet." +</P> + +<P> +"Tom, Tom, the piper's son!" chirped Thumbby. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, well, let's call in the cats!"—which appeared to be his way of +changing the subject. +</P> + +<P> +It seemed, after this, as though the remainder of lunch might pass off +without further hitch. Then however and all of a sudden, while he was +peeling an apple, this dreadful man said, as though to himself: "Ra ... +Ra ... Rambotham. Now where have I heard that name?" +</P> + +<P> +"Wa ... Wa ... Wamboffam!" mocked Thumbkin. +</P> + +<P> +"Monkey, if you're so sharp you'll cut yourself!—Young lady, do you +happen to come from Warrenega?" he asked Laura, when Thumbkin's excited +chirrup of: "I'll cut YOU, pa, into little bits!" had died away. +</P> + +<P> +Ready to sink through the floor, Laura replied that she did. +</P> + +<P> +"Then I've the pleasure of knowing your mother.—Tall dark woman, isn't +she?" +</P> + +<P> +Under the table, Laura locked the palms of her hands and stemmed her +feet against the floor. Was here, now, before them all, and Bob in +particular, the shameful secret of the embroidery to come to light? She +could hardly force her lips to frame an answer. +</P> + +<P> +Her confusion was too patent to be overlooked. Above her lowered head, +signs passed between husband and wife, and soon afterwards the family +rose from the table. +</P> + +<P> +But Tilly was so obviously sulky that the tense could not let her +escape him thus. +</P> + +<P> +He cried: "For God's sake, Tilly, stand still! What on earth have you +got on your back?" +</P> + +<P> +Tilly came from up-country and her thoughts leapt fearfully to +scorpions and tarantulas. Affrighted, she tried to peer over her +shoulder, and gave a preliminary shriek. "Gracious!—whatever is it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Hold on!" He approached her with the tongs; the next moment to +ejaculate: "Begad, it's not a growth, it's a bustle!" and as he spoke +he tweaked the place where a bustle used to be worn. +</P> + +<P> +Even Bob had to join in the ensuing boohoo, which went on and on till +Laura thought the Uncle would fall down in a fit. Then for the third +time he invited those present to join him in summoning the cats, +murmured something about "humping his bluey", and went out into the +hall, where they heard him swinging Thumbby "round the world". +</P> + +<P> +It was all the Aunt could do to mollify Tilly, who was enraged to the +point of tears. "I've never worn a bustle in my life! Uncle's a perfect +FOOL! I've never met such a fool as he is!" +</P> + +<P> +Still boiling, she disappeared to nurse her ruffled temper in private; +and she remained absent from the room for over half an hour. During +this time Laura and Bob were alone together. But even less than before +came of their intercourse: Bob, still smarting from his father's +banter, was inclined to be stand-offish, as though afraid Laura might +take liberties with him after having been made to look so small; Laura, +rendered thoroughly unsure to begin with, by the jocular tone of the +luncheon-table, had not recovered from the shock of hearing her +parentage so bluffly disclosed. And since, at this time, her idea of +the art of conversation was to make jerky little remarks which led +nowhere, or to put still more jerky questions, Bob was soon stifling +yawns, and not with the best success. He infected Laura; and there the +two of them sat, doing their best to appear unconscious of the terrible +spasms which, every few seconds, distorted their faces. At last Bob +could stand it no longer and bolted from the room. +</P> + +<P> +Laura was alone, and seemed to be forgotten The minutes ticked by, and +no one came—or no one but a little grey kitten, which arrived as if +from nowhere, with a hop and a skip. She coaxed the creature to her +lap, where it joined head to tail and went to sleep. And there she sat, +in the gloomy, overfilled drawing-room, and stroked the kitten, which +neither cracked stupid jokes nor required her to strain her wits to +make conversation. +</P> + +<P> +When at length Tilly came back, she expressed a rather acid surprise at +Bob's absence, and went to look for him; Laura heard them whispering +and laughing in the passage. On their return to the drawing-room it had +been decided that the three of them should go for a walk. As the sky +was overcast and the girls had no umbrellas, Bob carried a big one +belonging to the Uncle. Tilly called this a "family umbrella"; and the +jokes that were extracted from the pair of words lasted the walkers on +the whole of their outward way; lasted so long that Laura, who was +speedily finished with her contribution, grew quite stupefied with +listening to the other two. +</P> + +<P> +Collins Street was now as empty as a bush road. The young people went +into Bourke Street, where, for want of something better to do, they +entered the Eastern Market and strolled about inside. The noise that +rose from the livestock, on ground floor and upper storey, was +ear-splitting: pigs grunted; cocks crowed, turkeys gobbled, parrots +shrieked; while rough human voices echoed and re-echoed under the lofty +roof. There was a smell, too, an extraordinary smell, composed of all +the individual smells of all these living things: of fruit and +vegetables, fresh and decayed; of flowers, and butter, and grain; of +meat, and fish, and strong cheeses; of sawdust sprinkled with water, +and freshly wet pavements—one great complicated smell, the piquancy of +which made Laura sniff like a spaniel. But after a very few minutes +Tilly, whose temper was still short, called it a "vile stink" and +clapped her handkerchief to her nose, and so they hurried out, past +many enticing little side booths hidden in dark corners on the ground +floor, such as a woman without legs, a double-headed calf, and the like. +</P> + +<P> +Outside it had begun to rain; they turned into a Waxworks Exhibition. +This was a poor show, and they were merely killing time when the +announcement caught their eye that a certain room was open to "Married +People Only". The quips and jokes this gave rise to again were as +unending as those about the umbrella; and Laura grew so tired of them, +and of pretending to find them funny, that her temper also began to +give way; and she eased her feelings by making the nippy mental note on +her companions, that jokes were evidently "in the blood". +</P> + +<P> +When they emerged, it was time for the girls to return to school. They +took a hansom, Bob accompanying them. As they drove, Laura sitting +sandwiched between the other two, it came over her with a rush what a +miserable failure the day had been. A minute before, her spirits had +given a faint flicker, for Bob had laid his arm along the back of the +seat. Then she saw that he had done this just to pull at the little +curls that grew on Tilly's neck. She was glad when the cab drew up, +when Tilly ostentatiously took the fat half-crown from her purse, and +Bob left them at the gate with a: "Well, so long, ladies!" +</P> + +<P> +The boarders spent the evening in sewing garments for charity. Laura +had been at work for weeks on a coarse, red flannel petticoat, and as a +rule was under constant reprimand for her idleness. On this night, +having separated herself from Tilly, she sat down beside a girl with a +very long plait of hair and small, narrow eyes, who went by the name of +"Chinky". Chinky was always making up to her, and could be relied on to +cover her silence. Laura sewed away, with bent head and pursed lips, +and was so engrossed that the sole rebuke she incurred had to do with +her diligence. +</P> + +<P> +Miss Chapman exclaimed in horror at her stiffly outstretched arm. +</P> + +<P> +"How CAN you be so vulgar, Laura? To sew with a thread as long as that!" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap15"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XV. +</H3> + +<P> +For days Laura avoided even thinking of this unlucky visit. Privately, +she informed herself that Tilly's wealthy relations were a "rude, +stupid lot"; and, stuffing her fingers in her ears, memorised pages +with a dispatch that deadened thought. +</P> + +<P> +When, however, the first smart had passed and she was able to go back +on what had happened, a soreness at her own failure was the abiding +result: and this, though Tilly mercifully spared her the "dull as +ditchwater", that was Bob's final verdict.—But the fact that the +invitation was not repeated told Laura enough. +</P> + +<P> +Her hurt was not relieved by the knowledge that she had done nothing to +deserve it. For she had never asked for Bob's notice or admiration, had +never thought of him but as a handsome cousin of Tilly's who sat in a +distant pew at St Stephen's-on-the-Hill; and the circumstance that, +because he had singled her out approvingly, she was expected to worm +herself into his favour, seemed to her of a monstrous injustice. But, +all the same, had she possessed the power to captivate him, she would +cheerfully have put her pride in her pocket. For, having once seen him +close at hand, she knew how desirable he was. Having been the object of +glances from those liquid eyes, of smiles from those blanched-almond +teeth, she found it hard to dismiss them from her mind. How the other +girls would have boasted of it, had they been chosen by such a one as +Bob!—they who, for the most part, were satisfied with blotchy-faced, +red-handed youths, whose lean wrists dangled from their retreating +sleeves. But then, too, they would have known how to keep him. Oh, +those lucky other girls! +</P> + +<P> +"I say, Chinky, what do you do when a boy's gone on you?" +</P> + +<P> +She would have shrunk from putting an open question of this kind to her +intimates; but Chinky, could be trusted. For she garnered the few words +Laura vouchsafed her, as gratefully as Lazarus his crumbs; and a mark +of confidence, such as this, would sustain her for days. +</P> + +<P> +But she had no information to give. +</P> + +<P> +"Me? ... why, nothing. Boys are dirty, horrid, conceited creatures." +</P> + +<P> +In her heart Laura was at one with this judgment; but it was not to the +point. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, but s'pose one was awfully sweet on you and you rather liked him?" +</P> + +<P> +"Catch me! If one came bothering round me, I'd do this" and she set her +ten outstretched fingers to her nose and waggled them. +</P> + +<P> +And yet Chinky was rather pretty, in her way. +</P> + +<P> +Maria Morell, cautiously tapped, threw back her head and roared with +laughter. +</P> + +<P> +"Bless its little heart! Does it want to know?—say, Laura, who's your +mash?" +</P> + +<P> +"No one," answered Laura stoutly. "I only asked. For I guess you KNOW, +Maria." +</P> + +<P> +"By gosh, you bet I do!" cried Maria, italicising the words in her +vehemence. "Well, look here, Kiddy, if a chap's sweet on me I let him +be sweet, my dear, and that's all—till he's run to barley-sugar. What +I don't let him savvy is, whether I care a twopenny damn for him. Soon +as you do that, it's all up. Just let him hang round, and throw +sheep's-eyes, till he's as soft as a jellyfish, and when he's right +down ripe, roaring mad, go off and pretend to do a mash with some one +else. That's the way to glue him, chicken." +</P> + +<P> +"But you don't have anything of him that way," objected Laura. +</P> + +<P> +Maria laughed herself red in the face. "What'n earth more d'you want? +Why, he'll pester you with letters, world without end, and look as +black as your shoe if you so much as wink at another boy. As for a +kiss, if he gets a chance of one he'll take it you can bet your bottom +dollar on that." +</P> + +<P> +"But you never get to know him!" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, hang it, Laura, but you ARE rich! What d'you think one has a boy +for, I'd like to know. To parlezvous about old Shepherd's sermons? You +loony, it's only for getting lollies, and letters, and the whole dashed +fun of the thing. If you go about too much with one, you soon have to +fake an interest in his rotten old affairs. Or else just hold your +tongue and let him blow. And that's dull work. D'you think it ever +comes up a fellow's back to talk to you about your new Sunday hat! If +it does, you can teach your grandmother to suck eggs." +</P> + +<P> +But, despite this wisdom, Laura could not determine how Maria would +have acted had she stood in her shoes. +</P> + +<P> +And then, too, the elder girl had said nothing about another side of +the question, had not touched on the sighs and simpers, the winged +glances, and drooped, provocative lids—all the thousand and one +fooleries, in short, which Laura saw her and others employ. There was a +regular machinery of invitation and encouragement to be set in motion: +for, before it was safe to ignore a wooer and let him dangle, as Maria +advised, you had first to make quite sure he wished to nibble your +bait.—And it was just in this elementary science that Laura broke down. +</P> + +<P> +Looking round her, she saw mainly experts. To take the example nearest +at hand: there was Monsieur Legros, the French master; well, Maria +could twist him round her little finger. She only needed to pout her +thick, red lips, or to give a coquettish twist to her plump figure, or +to ogle him with her fine, bold, blue eyes, and the difficult questions +in the lesson were sure to pass her by.—Once she had even got ten +extra marks added to an examination paper, in this easy fashion. +Whereas, did she, Laura, try to imitate Maria, venture to pout or to +smirk, it was ten to one she would be rebuked for impertinence. No, she +got on best with the women-teachers, to whom red lips and a full bust +meant nothing; while the most elderly masters could not be relied on to +be wholly impartial, where a pair of magnificent eyes was concerned. +Even Mr. Strachey, the unapproachable, had been known, on running full +tilt into a pretty girl's arms in an unlit passage, to be laughingly +confused. +</P> + +<P> +Laura was not, of course, the sole outsider in these things; sprinkled +through the College were various others, older, too, than she, who by +reason of demureness of temperament, or immersion in their work, stood +aloof. But they were lost in the majority, and, as it chanced, none of +them belonged to Laura's circle. Except Chinky—and Chinky did not +count. So, half-fascinated, half-repelled, Laura set to studying her +friends with renewed zeal. She could not help admiring their +proficiency in the art of pleasing, even though she felt a little +abashed by the open pride they took in their growing charms. There was +Bertha, for instance, Bertha who had one of the nicest minds of them +all; and yet how frankly gratified she was, by the visible rounding of +her arms and the curving of her bust. She spoke of it to Laura with a +kind of awe; and her voice seemed to give hints of a coming mystery. +Tilly, on the other hand, lived to reduce her waist-measure: she was +always sucking at lemons, and she put up with the pains of indigestion +as well as a red tip to her nose; for no success in school meant as +much to Tilly as the fact that she had managed to compress herself a +further quarter of an inch, no praise on the part of her teachers +equalled the compliments this earned her from dressmaker and tailor. As +for Inez, who had not only a pretty face but was graceful and +slender-limbed as a greyhound, Inez no longer needed to worry over +artificial charms, or to dwell self-consciously on her development; +serious admirers were not lacking, and with one of these, a young man +some eight years older than herself, she had had for the past three +months a sort of understanding. For her, as for so many others, the +time she had still to spend at school was as purgatory before paradise. +To top all, one of the day-scholars in Laura's class was actually +engaged to be married; and in no boy-and-girl fashion, but to a doctor +who lived and practised in Emerald Hill: he might sometimes be seen, +from a peephole under the stairs, waiting to escort her home from +school. This fiancee was looked up to by the class with tremendous +reverence, as one set apart, oiled and anointed. You really could not +treat her as a comrade her, who had reached the goal. For this WAS the +goal; and the thoughts of all were fixed, with an intentness that +varied only in degree, on the great consummation which, as planned in +these young minds, should come to pass without fail directly the +college-doors closed behind them.—And here again Laura was a heretic. +For she could not contemplate the future that was to be hers when she +had finished her education, but with a feeling of awe: it was still so +distant as to be one dense blue haze; it was so vast, that thinking of +it took your breath away: there was room in it for the most wonderful +miracles that had ever happened; it might contain anything—from golden +slippers to a Jacob's ladder, by means of which you would scale the +skies; and with these marvellous perhapses awaiting you, it was +impossible to limit your hopes to one single event, which, though it +saved you from derision, would put an end, for ever, to all possible, +exciting contingencies. +</P> + +<P> +These thoughts came and went. In the meantime, despite her ape-like +study of her companions, she remained where the other sex was concerned +a disheartening failure. A further incident drove this home anew. +</P> + +<P> +One Saturday afternoon, those boarders who had not been invited out +were taken to see a cricket-match. They were a mere handful, eight or +nine at most, and Miss Snodgrass alone was in charge. All her friends +[P.154] being away that day, Laura had to bring up the rear with the +governess and one of the little girls. Though their walk led them +through pleasant parks, she was glad when it was over; for she did not +enjoy Miss Snodgrass's company. She was no match for this crisply +sarcastic governess, and had to be the whole time on her guard. For +Miss Snodgrass was not only a great talker, but had also a very +inquiring mind, and seemed always trying to ferret out just those +things you did not care to tell—such as the size of your home, or the +social position you occupied in the township where you lived. +</P> + +<P> +Arrived at the cricket ground, they climbed the Grand Stand and sat +down in one of the back rows, to the rear of the other spectators. +Before them sloped a steep bank of hats gaily-flowered and +ribbon-banded hats—of light and dark shoulders, of alert, boyish +profiles and pale, pretty faces—a representative gathering of young +Australia, bathed in the brilliant March light. +</P> + +<P> +Laura's seat was between her two companions, and it was here the +malheur occurred. During an interval in the game, one of the girls +asked the governess's leave to speak to her cousin; and thereupon a shy +lad was the target for twenty eyes. He was accompanied by a friend, +who, in waiting, sat down just behind Laura. This boy was addressed by +Miss Snodgrass; but he answered awkwardly, and after a pause, Laura +felt herself nudged. +</P> + +<P> +"You can speak to him, Laura," whispered Miss Snodgrass.—She evidently +thought Laura waited only for permission, to burst in. +</P> + +<P> +Laura had already fancied that the boy looked at her with interest. +This was not improbable; for she had her best hat on, which made her +eyes seem very dark—"like sloes," Chinky said, though neither of them +had any clear idea what a sloe was. +</P> + +<P> +Still, a prompting to speech invariably tied her tongue. She half +turned, and stole an uneasy peep at the lad. He might be a year older +than herself; he had a frank, sunburnt face, blue eyes, and almost +white flaxen hair. She took heart of grace. +</P> + +<P> +"I s'pose you often come here?" she ventured at last. +</P> + +<P> +"You bet!" said the boy; but kept his eyes where they were on the pitch. +</P> + +<P> +"Cricket's a lovely game ... don't you think so?" +</P> + +<P> +Now he looked at her; but doubtfully, from the height of his fourteen +male years; and did not reply. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you play?" +</P> + +<P> +This was a false move, she felt it at once. Her question seemed to +offend him. "Should rather think I did!" he answered with a haughty air. +</P> + +<P> +Weakly she hastened to retract her words. "Oh, I meant much—if you +played much?" +</P> + +<P> +"Comes to the same thing I guess," said the boy—he had not yet reached +the age of obligatory politeness. +</P> + +<P> +"It must be splendid"—here she faltered—"fun." +</P> + +<P> +But the boy's thoughts had wandered: he was making signs to a friend +down in the front of the Stand.—Miss Snodgrass seemed to repress a +smile. +</P> + +<P> +Here, however, the little girl at Laura's side chimed in. "I think +cricket's awful rot," she announced, in a cheepy voice. +</P> + +<P> +Now what was it, Laura asked herself, in these words, or in the tone in +which they were said, that at once riveted the boy's attention. For he +laughed quite briskly as he asked; "What's a kid like you know about +it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Jus' as much as I want to. An' my sister says so 's well." +</P> + +<P> +"Get along with you! Who's your sister?" +</P> + +<P> +"Ooh!—wouldn't you like to know? You've never seen her in Scots' +Church on Sundays I s'pose—oh, no!" +</P> + +<P> +"By jingo!—I should say I have. An' you, too. You're the little sister +of that daisy with the simply ripping hair." +</P> + +<P> +The little girl actually made a grimace at him, screwing up her nose. +"Yes, you can be civil now, can't you?" +</P> + +<P> +"My aunt, but she's a tip-topper—your sister!" +</P> + +<P> +"You go to Scots' Church then, do you?" hazarded Laura, in an attempt +to re-enter the conversation. +</P> + +<P> +"Think I could have seen her if I didn't?" retorted the boy, in the +tone of: "What a fool question!" He also seemed to have been on the +point of adding: "Goose," or "Sillybones." +</P> + +<P> +The little girl giggled. "She's church"—by which she meant +episcopalian. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, but I don't care a bit which I go to," Laura hastened to explain, +fearful lest she should be accounted a snob by this dissenter. The boy, +however, was so faintly interested in her theological wobblings that, +even as she spoke, he had risen from his seat; and the next moment +without another word he went away.—This time Miss Snodgrass laughed +outright. +</P> + +<P> +Laura stared, with blurred eyes, at the white-clad forms that began to +dot the green again. Her lids smarted. She did not dare to put up her +fingers to squeeze the gathering tears away, and just as she was +wondering what she should do if one was inconsiderate enough to roll +down her cheek, she heard a voice behind her. +</P> + +<P> +"I say, Laura ... Laura!"—and there was Chinky, in her best white hat. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sitting with my aunt just a few rows down; but I couldn't make you +look. Can I come in next to you for a minute?" +</P> + +<P> +"If you like," said Laura and, because she had to sniff a little, very +coldly: Chinky had no doubt also been a witness of her failure. +</P> + +<P> +The girl squeezed past and shared her seat. "I don't take up much room." +</P> + +<P> +Laura feigned to be engrossed in the game. But presently she felt her +bare wrist touched, and Chinky said in her ear: "What pretty hands +you've got, Laura!" +</P> + +<P> +She buried them in her dress, at this. She found it in the worst +possible taste of Chinky to try to console her. +</P> + +<P> +"Wouldn't you like to wear a ring on one of them?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, thanks," said Laura, in the same repellent way. +</P> + +<P> +"Truly? I'd love to give you one." +</P> + +<P> +"You? Where would YOU get it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Would you wear it, if I did?" +</P> + +<P> +"Let me see it first," was Laura's graceless reply, as she returned to +her stony contemplation of the great sunlit expanse. +</P> + +<P> +She was sure Miss Snodgrass, on getting home, would laugh with the +other governesses over what had occurred—if not with some of the +girls. The story would leak out and come to Tilly's ears; and Tilly +would despise her more than she did already. So would all the rest. She +was branded, as it was, for not having a single string to her bow. Now, +it had become plain to her that she could never hope for one; for, when +it came to holding a boy's attention for five brief minutes, she could +be put in the shade by a child of eight years old. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap16"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XVI. +</H3> + +<P> +Since, however, it seemed that some one had to be loved if you were to +be able to hold up your head with the rest, then it was easier, +infinitely easier, to love the curate. With the curate, no personal +contact was necessary—and that was more than could be said even of the +music-masters. In regard to them, pressures of the hand, as well as +countless nothings, were expected and enacted, in the bi-weekly reports +you rendered to those of your friends who followed the case. Whereas +for the curate it was possible to simulate immense ardour, without +needing either to humble your pride or call invention to your aid: the +worship took place from afar. The curate was, moreover, no unworthy +object; indeed he was quite attractive, in a lean, ascetic fashion, +with his spiritual blue eyes, and the plain gold cross that dangled +from his black watch-ribbon—though, it must be admitted, when he +preached, and grew greatly in earnest, his mouth had a way of opening +as if it meant to swallow the church—and Laura was by no means his +sole admirer. Several of her friends had a fancy for him, especially as +his wife, who was much older than he, was a thin, elderly lady with a +tired face. +</P> + +<P> +And now, by her own experience, Laura was led to the following +discovery: that, if you imagine a thing with sufficient force, you can +induce your imagining to become reality. By dint of pretending that it +was so, she gradually worked herself up into an attack of love, which +was genuine enough to make her redden when Mr. Shepherd was spoken of, +and to enjoy being teased about him. And since, at any rate when in +church, she was a sincerely religious little girl, and one to +whom—notwithstanding her protested indifference to forms of +worship—such emotional accessories as flowers, and music, and highly +coloured vestments made a strong appeal, her feelings for Mr. Shepherd +were soon mystically jumbled up with her piety: the eastward slant for +the Creed, and the Salutation at the Sacred Name, seemed not alone +homage due to the Deity, but also a kind of minor homage offered to and +accepted by Mr. Shepherd; the school-pew being so near the chancel that +it was not difficult to believe yourself the recipient of personal +notice. +</P> + +<P> +At home during the winter holidays, his name chanced to cross her lips. +Straightway it occurred to Mother that he was the nephew of an old +friend whom she had long lost sight of letters passed between Warrenega +and Melbourne, and shortly after her return to the College Laura learnt +that she was to spend the coming monthly holiday at Mr. Shepherd's +house. +</P> + +<P> +In the agitated frame of mind this threw her into, she did not know +whether to be glad or sorry. Her feelings had, of late, got into such a +rapt and pious muddle that it seemed a little like being asked out to +meet God. On the other hand, she could not but see that the +circumstance would raise her standing at school, immeasurably. And this +it did. As soon as the first shock had passed she communicated the fact +freely, and was shrewd enough not to relate how the invitation had come +about, allowing it to be put down, as her friends were but too ready to +do, to the effect produced on the minister by her silent adoration. +</P> + +<P> +The Church girls were wild with envy. Laura was dragged up the garden +with an arm thrust through each of hers. Mr. Shepherd's holy calling +and spiritual appearance stood him in small stead here; and the +blackest interpretation was put on the matter of the visit. +</P> + +<P> +"Nice things you'll be up to, the pair of you—oh, my aunt!" ejaculated +Maria. +</P> + +<P> +"I think it's beastly risky her going at all," filled in Kate Horner, +gobbling a little; for her upper lip overhung the lower. "These saints +are oftenest bad 'uns." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, and with an Aunt Sally like that for a wife.—Now look here, +Kiddy, just you watch you're not left alone with him in the dark." +</P> + +<P> +"And mind, you've got to tell us everything—every blessed thing!" +</P> + +<P> +Laura was called for, on Saturday morning, by the maiden sister of her +divinity. Miss Isabella Shepherd was a fair, short, pleasant young +woman, with a nervous, kindly smile, and a congenital inability to look +you in the face when speaking to you; so that the impression she made +was that of a perpetual friendliness, directed, however, not at you, +but at the inanimate objects around you. Laura was so tickled by this +peculiarity, which she spied the moment she entered the waiting-room, +that at first she could take in nothing else. Afterwards, when the +novelty had worn off, she subjected her companion to a closer scrutiny, +and from the height of thirteen years had soon taxed her with being a +frumpish old maid; the valiant but feeble efforts Miss Isabella made to +entertain her, as they walked along, only strengthening her in this +opinion. +</P> + +<P> +Not very far from the College they entered a small, two-storied stone +house, which but for an iron railing and a shrub or two gave right on +the street. +</P> + +<P> +"Will you come up to the study?" said Miss Isabella, smiling warmly, +and ogling the door-mat. "I'm sure Robby would like to see you at once." +</P> + +<P> +Robby? Her saint called Robby?—Laura blushed. +</P> + +<P> +But at the head of the stairs they were brought up short by Mrs. +Shepherd, who, policeman-like, raised a warning hand. +</P> + +<P> +"Hssh ... ssh ... sh!" she breathed, and simultaneously half-closed her +eyes, as if imitating slumber. "Robby has just lain down for a few +minutes. How are you, dear?"—in a whisper. "I'm so pleased to see you." +</P> + +<P> +She looked even more faded than in church. But she was very kind, and +in the bedroom insisted on getting out a clean towel for Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"Now we'll go down.—It's only lunch to-day, for Robby has a +confirmation-class immediately afterwards, and doesn't care to eat +much." +</P> + +<P> +They descended to the dining-room, but though the meal was served, did +not take their seats: they stood about, in a kind of anxious silence. +This lasted for several minutes; then, heavy footsteps were heard +trampling overhead: these persisted, but did not seem to advance, and +at length there was a loud, impatient shout of: "Maisie!" +</P> + +<P> +Both ladies were perceptibly flurried. "He can't find something," said +Miss Isabella in a stage-whisper; while Mrs. Shepherd, taking the front +of her dress in both hands, set out for the stairs with the short, +clumsy jerks which, in a woman, pass for running. +</P> + +<P> +A minute or two later the origin of the fluster came in, looking, it +must be confessed, not much more amiable than his voice had been: he +was extremely pale, too, his blue eyes had hollow rings round them, and +there were tired wrinkles on his forehead. However he offered Laura a +friendly hand which she took with her soul in her eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, and so this is the young lady fresh from the halls of learning, +is it?" he asked, after a mumbled grace, as he carved a rather naked +mutton-bone: the knife caught in the bone; he wrenched it free with an +ill-natured tweak. "And what do they teach you at college, miss, eh?" +he went on. "French? ... Greek? ... Latin? How goes it? INFANDUM, +REGINA, JUBES RENOVARE DOLOREM—isn't that the way of it? And then ... +let me see! It's so long since I went to school, you know." +</P> + +<P> +"TROJANAS UT OPES ET LAMENTABILE REGNUM ERUERINT DANAI," said Laura, +almost blind with pride and pleasure. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, well, well!" he exclaimed, in what seemed tremendous surprise; +but, even as she spoke, his thoughts were swept away; for he had taken +up a mustard-pot and found it empty. "Yes, yes, here we are again! Not +a scrap of mustard on the table. "—His voice was angrily resigned. +</P> + +<P> +"With MUTTON, Robby dear?" ventured Mrs. Shepherd, with the utmost +humbleness. +</P> + +<P> +"With mutton if I choose!" he retorted violently. "WILL you, Maisie, be +kind enough to allow me to know my own tastes best, and not dictate to +me what I shall eat?" +</P> + +<P> +But Mrs. Shepherd, murmuring: "Oh dear! it's that dreadful girl," had +already made a timid spring at the bell. +</P> + +<P> +"Poor Robby ... so rushed again!" said Isabella in a reproachful tone. +</P> + +<P> +"And while she's here she may bring the water and the glasses as well," +snarled the master of the house, who had run a flaming eye over the +table. +</P> + +<P> +"Tch, tch, tch!" said Mrs. Shepherd, with so little spirit that Laura +felt quite sorry for her. +</P> + +<P> +"REALLY, Maisie!" said Miss Isabella. "And when the poor boy's so +rushed, too." +</P> + +<P> +This guerilla warfare continued throughout luncheon, and left Laura +wondering why, considering the dearth of time, and the distress of the +ladies at each fresh contretemps, they did not jump up and fetch the +missing articles themselves—as Mother would have done—instead of each +time ringing the bell and waiting for the appearance of the saucy, +unwilling servant. As it turned out, however, their behaviour had a +pedagogic basis. It seemed that they hoped, by constantly summoning the +maid, to sharpen her memory. But Mrs. Shepherd was also implicated in +the method; and this was the reason why Isabella—as she afterwards +explained to Laura—never offered her a thimbleful of help. +</P> + +<P> +"My sister-in-law is nothing of a manager," she said. "But we still +trust she will improve in time, if she always has her attention drawn +to her forgetfulness—at least Robby does; I'm afraid I have rather +[P.165] given her up. But Robby's patience is angelic." And Laura was +of the same opinion, since the couple had been married for more than +seven years. +</P> + +<P> +The moment the meal, which lasted a quarter of an hour, was over, Mr. +Shepherd clapped on his shovel-hat and started, with long strides, for +his class, Mrs. Shepherd, who had not been quite ready, scuttling along +a hundred yards behind him, with quick, fussy steps, and bonnet an awry. +</P> + +<P> +Laura and Isabella stood at the gate. +</P> + +<P> +"I ought really to have gone, too," said Isabella, and smiled at the +gutter. "But as you are here, Robby said I had better stay at home +to-day.—Now what would you like to do?" +</P> + +<P> +This opened up a dazzling prospect, with the whole of Melbourne before +one. But Laura was too polite to pretend anything but indifference. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, perhaps you wouldn't mind staying in then? I want so much to +copy out Robby's sermon. I always do it, you know, for he can't read +his own writing. But he won't expect it to-day and he'll be so pleased." +</P> + +<P> +It was a cool, quiet little house, with the slightly unused smell in +the rooms that betokens a lack of children. Laura did not dislike the +quiet, and sat contentedly in the front parlour till evening fell. Not, +however, that she was really within hundreds of miles of Melbourne; for +the wonderful book that she held on her knee was called KING SOLOMON'S +MINES, and her eyes never rose from the pages. +</P> + +<P> +Supper, when it came, was as scrappy and as hurried as lunch had been: +a class of working-men was momently expected, and Robby had just time +to gulp down a cup of tea. Nor could he converse; for he was obliged to +spare his throat. +</P> + +<P> +Afterwards the three of them sat listening to the loud talking +overhead. This came down distinctly through the thin ceiling, and Mr. +Shepherd's voice—it went on and on—sounded, at such close quarters, +both harsh and rasping. Mrs. Shepherd was mending a stole; Isabella +stooped over the sermon, which she was writing like copperplate. Laura +sat in a corner with her hands before her: she had finished her book, +but her eyes were still visionary. When any of the three spoke, it was +in a low tone. +</P> + +<P> +Towards nine o'clock Mrs. Shepherd fetched a little saucepan, filled it +with milk, and set it on the hob; and after this she hovered +undecidedly between door and fireplace, like a distracted moth. +</P> + +<P> +"Now do try to get it right to-night, Maisie," admonished Isabella; +and, turning her face, if not her glance, to Laura, she explained: "It +must boil, but not have a scrap of skin on it, or Robby won't look at +it." +</P> + +<P> +Presently the working-men were heard pounding down the stairs, and +thereupon Maisie vanished from the room. +</P> + +<P> +The next day Laura attended morning and evening service at St +Stephen's-on-the-Hill, and in the afternoon made one of Isabella's +class at Sunday school. +</P> + +<P> +That morning she had wakened, in what seemed to be the middle of the +night, to find Isabella dressing by the light of a single candle. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you get up," said the latter. "We're all going to early service, +and I just want to make Robby some bread and milk beforehand. He would +rather communicate fasting, but he has to have something, for he +doesn't get home till dinner-time." +</P> + +<P> +When midday came, Robby was very fractious. The mutton-bone—no cooking +was done—was harder than ever to carve with decency; and poor Mrs. +Shepherd, for sheer fidgetiness, could hardly swallow a bite. +</P> + +<P> +But at nine o'clock that evening, when the labours of the day were +behind him, he was persuaded to lie down on the sofa and drink a glass +of port. At his head sat Mrs. Shepherd, holding the wine and some +biscuits; at his feet Isabella, stroking his soles. The stimulant +revived him; he grew quite mellow, and presently, taking his wife's +hand, he held it in his—and Laura felt sure that all his querulousness +was forgiven him for the sake of this moment. Then, finding a willing +listener in the black-eyed little girl who sat before him, he began to +talk, to relate his travels, giving, in particular, a vivid account of +some months he had once spent in Japan. Laura, who liked nothing better +than travelling at second hand—since any other way was out of the +question—Laura spent a delightful hour, and said so. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, Robby quite surpassed himself to-night, I thought," said Isabella +as she let down her hair. "I never heard anyone who could talk as well +as he does when he likes.—Can you keep a secret, Laura? We are sure, +Maisie and I, that Robby will be a Bishop some day. And he means to be, +himself.—But don't say a word about it; he won't have it mentioned out +of the house.—And meanwhile he's working as hard as he can, and we're +saving every penny, to let him take his next degree." +</P> + +<P> +"I do hope you'll come again," she said the following morning, as they +walked back to the College. "I don't mind telling you now, I felt quite +nervous when Robby said we were to ask you. I've had no experience of +little girls. But you haven't been the least trouble—not a bit. And +I'm sure it was good for Robby having something young about the house. +So mind you write and tell us when you have another holiday"—and +Isabella's smile beamed out once more, none the less kindly because it +was caught, on its way to Laura, by the gate they were passing through. +</P> + +<P> +Laura, whose mind was set on a good, satisfying slab of cake, promised +to do this, although her feelings had suffered so great a change that +she was not sure whether she would keep her word. She was pulled two +ways: on the one side was the remembrance of Mr. Shepherd hacking +cantankerously at the bare mutton-bone; on the other, the +cherry-blossom and the mousmes of Japan. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap17"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XVII. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +OHNMACHT ZUR LUGE IST LANGE NOCH NICHT LIEBE ZUR WAHRHEIT.... WER NICHT +LUGEN KANN, WEISS NICHT, WAS WAHRHEIT IST. +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +A pantomime of knowing smiles and interrogatory grimaces greeted her, +when, having brushed the cake-crumbs from her mouth, she joined her +class. For the twinkling of an eye Laura hesitated, being unprepared. +Then, however, as little able as a comic actor to resist pandering to +the taste of the public, she yielded to this hunger for spicy +happenings, and did what was expected of her: clapped her hands, one +over the other, to her breast, and cast her eyes heavenwards. Curiosity +and anticipation reached a high pitch; while Laura, by tragically +shaking her head, gave it to be understood that no signs could transmit +what she had been through, since seeing her friends last. +</P> + +<P> +In the thick of this message she was, unluckily, caught by Dr Pughson, +who, after dealing her one of his butcherly gibes, bade her to the +blackboard, to grapple with the Seventh Proposition. +</P> + +<P> +The remainder of the forenoon was a tussle with lessons not glanced at +since Friday night.—Besides, Laura seldom forestalled events by +thinking over them, choosing rather to trust for inspiration to the +spur of the moment. +</P> + +<P> +Morning school at an end, she was laid hands on and hurried off to a +retired corner of the garden. Here, four friends squatted round, +determined to extract her adventures from her—to the last pip. +</P> + +<P> +Laura was in a pretty pickle. Did she tell the plain truth, state the +pedestrian facts—and this she would have been capable of doing with +some address; for she had looked through her hosts with a perspicacity +uncommon in a girl of her age; had once again put to good use those +'sharp, unkind eyes' which Mother deplored. She had seen an overworked, +underfed man, who nagged like any woman, and made slaves of two weak, +adoring ladies; and she very well knew that, as often as her thoughts +in future alighted on Mr. Robby, she would think of him pinching and +screwing, with a hawk-like eye on a shadowy bishopric. Of her warm +feelings for him, genuine or imaginary, not a speck remained. The first +touch of reality had sunk them below her ken, just as a drop of cold +water sinks the floating grounds in a coffee-pot ... But did she +confess this, confess also that, save for a handful of monosyllables, +her only exchange of words with him had been a line of Virgil; and, +still more humbling, that she had liked his wife and sister better than +himself: did this come to light, she would forfeit every sou of the +prestige the visit had lent and yet promised to lend her. And, now that +the possible moment for parting with this borrowed support had come, +she recognised how greatly she had built on it. +</P> + +<P> +These thoughts whizzed through her mind, as she darted a look at the +four predatory faces that hemmed her in. Tilly's was one of them: the +lightly mocking smile sat on it that Laura had come to know so well, +since her maladroit handling of Bob. She would kill that smile—and if +she had to die for it herself. +</P> + +<P> +Still, she must be cautious, wary in picking her steps. Especially as +she had not the ghost of an idea how to begin. +</P> + +<P> +Meanwhile cries of impatience buzzed round her. +</P> + +<P> +"She doesn't want to tell." +</P> + +<P> +"Mean brute!" +</P> + +<P> +"Shouldn't wonder if it's too dashed shady." +</P> + +<P> +"Didn't I SAY he was a bad 'un?" +</P> + +<P> +"I bet you there's nothing to tell," said Tilly cockily, and turned up +her nose. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, there is," flung out Laura, at once put on the defensive, and as +she spoke she coloured. +</P> + +<P> +"Look at her! Look how red she's got!" +</P> + +<P> +"And after she promised—the sneak!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not a sneak. I AM going to tell. But you're all in such a blooming +hurry." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, fire away, slow-coach!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, girls," began Laura gamely, breathing a little hard.—"But, +mind, you must never utter a word of what I'm going to tell you. It's a +dead secret, and IF you let on——" +</P> + +<P> +"S' help me God!" +</P> + +<P> +"Ananias and Sapphira!" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, DO hurry up." +</P> + +<P> +"Well ... well, he's just the most—oh, I don't know how to say it, +girls—the MOST——" +</P> + +<P> +"Just scrumptious, I suppose, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"Just positively scrumptious, and ..." +</P> + +<P> +"And what'd he do?" +</P> + +<P> +"And what about his old sketch of a wife?" +</P> + +<P> +"Her? Oh"—and Laura squeezed herself desperately for the details that +WOULD not come—"oh, why she's just a perfect old ... old cat. And +twenty years older than him." +</P> + +<P> +"What on earth did he marry her for?" +</P> + +<P> +"Guess he's pretty sick of being tied to an old gin like that?" +</P> + +<P> +"I should say! Perfectly MISERABLE. He can't think now why he let +himself be induced to marry her. He just despises her." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, why in the name of all that's holy did he take her?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura cast a mysterious glance round, and lowered her voice. "Well, you +see, she had LOTS of money and he had none. He was ever so poor. And +she paid for him to be a clergyman." +</P> + +<P> +"Go on! As poor as all that?" +</P> + +<P> +"As poor as a church-mouse.—But, oh," she hastened to add, at the +visible cooling-off of the four faces, "he comes of a MOST +distinguished family. His father was a lord or a baronet or something +like that, but he married a beautiful girl who hadn't a penny against +his father's will and so he cut him out of his will." +</P> + +<P> +"I say!" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, never mind the father." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes. Well, now he feels under an awful obligation to her, and all that +sort of thing, you know." +</P> + +<P> +"And she drives it home, I bet. She looks a nipper." +</P> + +<P> +"Is always throwing it in his face." +</P> + +<P> +"What a ghoul!" +</P> + +<P> +"He'd do just ANYTHING to get rid of her, but—Girls, it's a dead +secret; you must swear you won't tell." +</P> + +<P> +Gestures of assurance were showered on her. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, he's to be a Bishop some day. It's promised him." +</P> + +<P> +"Holy Moses!" +</P> + +<P> +"And I suppose he can't divorce her, because of that?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, of course not. He'll have to drag her with him like millstone +round his neck." +</P> + +<P> +"And he'd twigged right enough you were gone on him?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura's coy smile hinted many things. "I should say so. Since the very +first day in church. He said—but I don't like to tell you what he +said." +</P> + +<P> +"You must!" +</P> + +<P> +"No. You'll only call me conceited." +</P> + +<P> +"No fear, Kiddy. Out with it!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, then, he said he saw me as soon as he got in the pulpit, and he +wondered ever so much who the girl was with the eyes like sloes, and +the skin like ... like cream." +</P> + +<P> +"Snakes-alive-oh! He went it strong." +</P> + +<P> +"And how often were you alone with him?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, and if he had met me before he was married—but no, I can't tell +any more." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, don't be such an ass!" +</P> + +<P> +"No, I can't.—Well, I'll whisper it then ... but only to Maria," and +leaning over Laura put her lips to Maria's ear. +</P> + +<P> +The reason for this by-stroke she could not have told: the detail she +imparted did not differ substantially from those that had gone +before.— But by now she was at the end of her tether. +</P> + +<P> +Here, fortunately for Laura, the dinner-bell rang, and the girls had to +take to their heels in order to get their books put away before grace. +Throughout the meal, from their scattered seats, they exchanged looks +of understanding, and their cheeks were pink. +</P> + +<P> +In the afternoon, Laura was again called on to prove her mettle. Her +companion on the daily walk was Kate Horner. Kate had been one of the +four, and did not lose this chance of beating up fresh particulars. +</P> + +<P> +After those first few awkward moments, however, which had come wellnigh +being a fiasco, Laura had no more trouble with her story. Indeed, the +plunge once taken, it was astounding how easy it became to make up +things about the Shepherds; the difficulty was, to know where to stop. +Fictitious details crowded thick and fast upon her—a regular +hotchpotch; she had only to stretch out her hand and seize what she +needed. It was simpler than the five-times multiplication-table, and +did not need to be learnt. But all the same she was not idle: she +polished away at her flimflams, bringing them nearer and nearer +probability, never, thanks to her sound memory, contradicting herself +or making a slip, and always able to begin again from the beginning. +</P> + +<P> +Such initial scepticism as may have lurked in her hearers was soon got +the better of. For, crass realists though these young colonials were, +and bluntly as they faced facts, they were none the less just as hungry +for romance as the most insatiable novel-reader. Romance in any guise +was hailed by them, and swallowed uncritically, though it was no more +permitted to interfere with the practical conduct of their lives than +it is in the case of just that novel-reader, who puts untruth and +unreality from him, when he lays his book aside.—Another and weightier +reason was, their slower brains could not conceive the possibility of +such extraordinarily detailed lying as that to which Laura now +subjected them. Its very elaboration stood for its truth. +</P> + +<P> +And the days passed, and Laura had the happiest ideas. A strange thing +about them was that they came to her quite unsought, dropping on her +like Aladdin's oranges on his turban. All she had to do was to fit them +into their niche in her fabrication. +</P> + +<P> +At first, her tale had been chiefly concerned with the internal rift in +Mr. Shepherd's home-life, and only in a minor degree with herself. But +her public savoured the love-story most, and hence, consulting its +taste, as it is the tale-maker's bounden duty to do, Laura was obliged +to develop this side of her narrative at the expense of the other. And +the more the girls heard, the more they wished to hear. She had early +turned Miss Isabella into a staunch ally of her own, in the dissension +she had introduced into the curate's household; and one day she arrived +at a hasty kiss, stolen in the vestry after evening service, while Mr. +Shepherd was taking off his surplice. The puzzle had been, to get +herself into the vestry; but, once there, she saw what followed as if +it had actually happened. She saw Mr. Shepherd's arm slipped with +diffident alacrity round her waist, and her own virtuous recoil; saw +Maisie and Isabella waiting, sheep-like, in their pew, till it should +please the couple to emerge; saw the form of the verger moving about +the darkening church, as he put the lights out, one by one. +</P> + +<P> +But the success this incident brought her turned Laura's head, making +her so foolhardy in her inventions that Maria, who for all her boldness +of speech was at heart a prude like the rest, grew uneasy. +</P> + +<P> +"You're not to go to that house again, Kiddy. If you do, I'll peach to +old Gurley." +</P> + +<P> +Laura ran upstairs to dress for tea, taking two steps at a time. On the +top landing, beside the great clothes-baskets, she collided with +Chinky, who was coming primly down. +</P> + +<P> +"O ki, John!" she greeted her, being in a vast good-humour. "What do +you look so black for?" +</P> + +<P> +"Dunno. Why do you never walk with me nowadays, Laura? I say, you know +about that ring? You haven't forgotten?" +</P> + +<P> +"Course not. When am I to get it? It never turns up." Her eyes +glittered as she asked, for she foresaw a further link in her chain. +"Soon, now?" +</P> + +<P> +Chinky nodded mysteriously. "Pretty soon. And you promise faithfully +never to take it off?" +</P> + +<P> +"But it must be a NICE one ... with a red stone in it. And listen, +Chink, no one must ever know it was you who gave it me." +</P> + +<P> +"All right, I swear. You're a darling to say you'll wear it," and +putting her arm round Laura's shoulders, Chinky gave her a hearty kiss. +</P> + +<P> +This was more than Laura had bargained for;—she freed herself, +ungraciously. "Oh, don't!—now mind, a red stone, and for the third +finger of the left hand." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes. And Laura, I've thought of something to put inside. SEMPER EADEM +... do you like that, Laura?" +</P> + +<P> +"It'll do.—Look out, there's old Day!" and leaving Chinky standing, +she ran down the corridor to her room. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap18"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XVIII. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +DER VERBRECHER IST HAUFIG GENUG SEINER TAT NICHT GEWACHSEN. +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +For a month or more, Laura fed like a honeybee on the sweets of +success. And throve—even to the blindest eye. What had hitherto been +lacking was now hers: the admiration and applause of her circle. And +never was a child so spurred and uplifted by praise as Laura. Without +it, her nature tended to be wary and unproductive; and those in touch +with her, had they wished to make the most of her, would no more have +stinted with the necessary incentive, that one stints a delicate rose +tree in aids to growth. Laura could swallow praise in large doses, +without becoming over-sure. Under the present stimulus she sat top in a +couple of classes, grew slightly ruddier in face, and much less +shrinking in manner. +</P> + +<P> +"Call her back at once and make her shut that door," cried Miss Day +thickly, from behind one of the long, dining-hall tables, on which were +ranged stacks and piles of clean linen. She had been on early duty +since six o'clock. +</P> + +<P> +The pupil-teacher in attendance stepped obediently into the passage; +and Laura returned. +</P> + +<P> +"Doors are made to be shut, Laura Rambotham, I'd have you remember +that!" fumed Miss Day in the same indistinct voice: she was in the grip +of a heavy cold, which had not been improved by the draughts of the +hall. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sorry, Miss Day. I thought I had. I was a little late." +</P> + +<P> +"That's your own lookout," barked the governess.—"Oh, there you are at +last, Miss Snodgrass. I'd begun to think you weren't going to appear at +all this morning. It's close on a quarter past seven." +</P> + +<P> +"Sorry," said Miss Snodgrass laconically. "My watch must be losing.— +Well, I suppose I can begin by marking Laura Rambotham down late.—What +on earth are you standing there holding the door for?" +</P> + +<P> +"Miss Day knows—I don't," sauced Laura, and made her escape. +</P> + +<P> +She did not let Miss Snodgrass's bad mark disturb her. No sooner had +she begun her practising than she fell to work again on the theme that +occupied all her leisure moments, and was threatening to assume the +bulk of an early Victorian novel. But she now built at her top-heavy +edifice for her own enjoyment; and the usual fate of the robust liar +had overtaken her: she was beginning to believe in her own lies. Still +she never ventured to relax her critical alertness, her careful +surveillance of detail. For, just a day or two before, she had seen a +quick flare-up of incredulity light Tilly's face, and oddly enough this +had happened when she tried her audience with a fact, a simple little +fact, an incident that had really occurred. She had killed the doubt, +instantly, by smothering it with a fiction; but she could not forget +that it had existed. It has very perplexing; for otherwise her hearers +did not shy at a mortal thing; she could drive them where and how she +chose. +</P> + +<P> +At the present moment she was planning a great coup: nothing more or +less than a frustrated attempt on her virtue. It was almost ready to be +submitted to them—for she had read PAMELA with heartfelt interest +during the holidays—and only a few connecting links were missing, with +which to complete her own case. +</P> + +<P> +Then, without the slightest warning, the blow fell. +</P> + +<P> +It was a Sunday afternoon; the half-hour that preceded Sunday school. +Laura, in company with several others, was in the garden, getting her +Bible chapter by heart, when Maria called her. +</P> + +<P> +"Laura! Come here. I want to tell you something." +</P> + +<P> +Laura approached, her lips in busy motion. "What's up?" +</P> + +<P> +"I say, chicken, your nose is going to be put out of joint." +</P> + +<P> +"Mine? What do you mean?" queried Laura, and had a faint sense of +impending disaster. +</P> + +<P> +"What I say. M. Pidwall's asked to the you-know-who's next Saturday." +</P> + +<P> +"No, she's not!" cried Laura vehemently, and clapped her Bible to. +</P> + +<P> +"S'help me God, she is," asserted Maria.—"Look out, don't set the +place on fire." +</P> + +<P> +"How do you know? ... who told you?" +</P> + +<P> +"M. P. herself—Gosh, but you are a jealous little cub. Oh, go on, +Kiddy, don't take it like that. I guess he won't give you away."—For +Laura was as pale as a moment before she had been scarlet. +</P> + +<P> +Alleging a violent headache, she mounted to her room, and sat down on +her bed. She felt stunned, and it took her some time to recover her +wits. Sitting on the extreme edge of the bedstead, she stared at +[P.181] the objects in the room without seeing them. "M. P.'s going +there on Saturday ... M. P.'s going there on Saturday," she repeated +stupidly, and, with her hands pressed on her hips, rocked herself to +and fro, after the fashion of an older woman in pain. +</P> + +<P> +The fact was too appalling to be faced; her mind postponed it. Instead, +she saw the fifty-five at Sunday school—where they were at this +minute—drawn up in a line round the walls of the dining-hall. She saw +them rise to wail out the hymn; saw Mr. Strachey on his chair in the +middle of the floor, perpetually nimming with his left leg. And, as she +pictured the familiar scene to herself, she shivered with a sudden +sense of isolation: behind each well-known face lurked a possible enemy. +</P> + +<P> +If it had only not been M. P.!—that was the first thought that +crystallised. Anyone else! ... from any of the rest she might have +hoped for some mercy. But Mary Pidwall was one of those people—there +were plenty such—before whom a nature like Laura's was inclined, at +the best of times, to shrink away, keenly aware of its own paltriness +and ineffectualness. Mary was rectitude in person: and it cannot be +denied that, to Laura, this was synonymous with hard, narrow, +ungracious. Not quite a prig, though: there was fun in Mary, and life +in her; but it was neither fun nor vivacity of a kind that Laura could +feel at ease with. Such capers as the elder girl cut were only +skin-deep; they were on the surface of her character, had no real roots +in her: just as the pieces of music she played on the piano were +accidents of the moment, without deeper significance. To Mary, life was +already serious, full of duties. She knew just what she wanted, too, +where she wanted to go and how to get there; her plans were cut and +dried. She was clever, very industrious, the head of several of her +classes. Nor was she ever in conflict with the authorities: she moved +among the rules of the school as safely as an egg-dancer among his +eggs. For the simple reasons that temptations seemed to pass her by. +There was, besides, a kind of manly exactness in her habit of thinking +and speaking; and it was this trait her companions tried to symbolise, +in calling her by the initial letters of her name. +</P> + +<P> +She and Laura, though classmates, had never drawn together. It is true, +Mary was sixteen, and, at that time of life, a couple of years dig a +wide breach. But there was also another reason. Once, in the innocence +of her heart, Laura had let the cat out of the bag that an uncle of +hers lived in the up-country township to which Mary belonged. +</P> + +<P> +The girl had eyed her coldly, incredulously. "What? That dreadful man +your uncle?" she had exclaimed: she herself was the daughter of a +church dignitary. "I should say I did know him—by reputation at least. +And it's quite enough, thank you." +</P> + +<P> +Now Laura had understood that Uncle Tom—he needed but a pair of gold +earrings to pose as the model for a Spanish Grandee—that Uncle Tom WAS +odd, in this way: he sometimes took more to drink than was good for +him; but she had never suspected him of being "dreadful", or a byword +in Wantabadgery. Colouring to the roots of her hair, she murmured +something about him of course not being recognised by the rest of the +family; but M. P., she was sure, had never looked on her with the same +eyes again. +</P> + +<P> +Such was the rigid young moralist into whose hands her fate was given. +</P> + +<P> +She sat and meditated these things, in spiritless fashion. She would +have to confess to her fabrications—that was plain. M. P.'s precise +mind would bring back a precise account of how matters stood in the +Shepherd household: not by an iota would the truth be swerved from. +Why, oh why, had she not foreseen this possibility? What evil spirit +had prompted her and led her on?—But, before her brain could +contemplate the awful necessity of rising and branding herself as a +liar, it sought desperately for a means of escape. For a wink, she even +nursed the idea of dragging in a sham man, under the pretence that Mr. +Shepherd had been but a blind, used by her to screen some one else. But +this yarn, twist it as she might, would not pass muster. Against it was +the mass of her accumulated detail. +</P> + +<P> +She sat there, devising scheme after scheme. Not one of them would do. +</P> + +<P> +When, at tea-time, she rose to wash her face before going downstairs, +the sole point on which she had come to clearness was, that just seven +days lay between her and detection.—Yet after all, she reminded +herself, seven days made a week, and a week was a good long time. +Perhaps something would happen between now and Saturday. M. P. might +have an accident and break her leg, and not be able to go. Or thin, +poorly-fed Mr. Shepherd fall ill from overwork.—Oh, how she would +rejoice to hear of it! +</P> + +<P> +And, if the worst came to the worst and she HAD to tell, at least it +should not be to-day. To-day was Sunday; and people's thoughts were +frightfully at liberty. To-morrow they would be engaged again; and, by +to-morrow, she herself would have grown more accustomed to the +idea.—Besides, how foolish to have been in too great a hurry, should +something come to pass that rendered confession needless. +</P> + +<P> +On waking next morning, however, and accounting, with a throb, for the +leaden weight on her mind, she felt braver, and quite determined to +make a clean breast of her misdoings. Things could not go on like this. +But no sooner was she plunged into the routine of the day than her +decision slackened: it was impossible to find just the right moment to +begin. Early in the morning everyone was busy looking over lessons, and +would not thank you for the upset, the dinner-hour was all too short; +after school, on the walk, she had a partner who knew nothing about the +affair, and after tea she practised.—Hence, on Monday her purpose +failed her. +</P> + +<P> +On Tuesday it was the same; the right moment never presented itself. +</P> + +<P> +In bed that night she multiplied the remaining days into hours. They +made one hundred and twenty. That heartened her a little; considered +thus, the time seemed very much longer; and so she let Wednesday slip +by, without over-much worry. +</P> + +<P> +On Thursday she not only failed to own up, but indulged anew. +</P> + +<P> +All the week, as if Mary Pidwall's coming visit worked upon them, the +girls had been very greedy for more love-story, and had shown +themselves decidedly nettled by Laura's refusal to continue; for this +was the week when the great revelation she had hinted at should have +been made. And one afternoon when the four were twitting her, and +things were looking very black, Laura was incited by some devil to +throw them, not, it is true, the savoury incident their mouths watered +for, but a fresh fiction—just as the beset traveller throws whatever +he has at hand, to the ravenous wolves that press round the sledge. At +the moment, the excitement that accompanies inspiration kept her up; +but afterwards she had a stinging fit of remorse; and her +self-reproaches were every whit as bitter as those of the man who has +again broken the moral law he has vowed to respect, and who now sees +that he is powerless against recurring temptation. +</P> + +<P> +When she remembered those four rapacious faces, Laura realised that, +come what might, she would never have the courage to confess. To them, +at least. That night in deep humility she laid her sin bare to God, +imploring Him, even though He could not pardon it, to avert the +consequences from her. +</P> + +<P> +The last days were also darkened by her belief that M. P. had got wind +of her romancings: as, indeed, was quite likely; for the girls' tongues +were none too safe. Mary looked at her from time to time with such a +sternly suspicious eye that Laura's very stomach quailed within her. +</P> + +<P> +And meanwhile the generous hours had declined to less than half. +</P> + +<P> +"Twice more to get up, and twice to go to bed," she reckoned aloud to +herself on Saturday morning. +</P> + +<P> +She was spending that week-end at Godmother's. It was as dull as usual; +she had ample leisure to brood over what lay before her. It was now a +certainty, fixed, immovable; for, by leaving school that day without +having spoken, she had burned her ships behind her. When she went back +on Monday M. P. would be there, and every loophole closed. On Sunday +evening she made an excuse and went down into the garden. There was no +moon; but, overhead, the indigo-blue was a prodigal glitter of +stars—myriads of silver eyes that perforated the sky. They sparkled +with a cold disregard of the small girl standing under the mulberry +tree; but Laura, too, was only half-alive to their magnificence. Her +thoughts ran on suicide, on making an end of her blighted career. God +was evidently not going to be generous or long-suffering enough to come +to her aid; and in imagination she saw the fifty-five gaining on her +like a pack of howling hyaenas; saw Mrs. Gurley, Mr. Strachey—Mother. +Detection and exposure, she knew it now, were the most awful things the +world held. But she had nothing handy: neither a rope, nor poison, nor +was there a dam in the neighbourhood. +</P> + +<P> +That night she had the familiar dream that she was being "stood up" and +expelled, as Annie Johns had been: thousands of tongues shouted her +guilt; she was hunted like a wallaby. She wakened with a scream, and +Marina, her bedfellow, rose on one elbow and lighted the candle. +Crumpled and dishevelled, Laura lay outside the sheet that should have +covered her; and her pillow had slipped to the floor. +</P> + +<P> +"What on earth's the matter? Dreaming? Then depend on it you've eaten +something that's disagreed with you." +</P> + +<P> +How she dragged her legs back to school that morning, Laura never knew. +At the sight of the great stone building her inner disturbance was such +that she was nearly sick. Even the unobservant Marina was forced to a +remark. +</P> + +<P> +"You do look a bit peaky. I'm sure your stomach's out of order. Your +should take a dose of castor-oil to-night, before you go to bed." +</P> + +<P> +Though it was a blazing November day, her fingers were cold as she took +off her hat and changed her white frock. "For the last time," she +murmured; by which she meant the last time in untarnished honour. And +she folded and hung up her clothes, with a neatness that was foreign to +her. +</P> + +<P> +Classes were in full swing when she went downstairs; nothing could +happen now till the close of morning school. But Laura signalised the +beginning of her downfall, the end of her comet-like flight, by losing +her place in one form after another, the lessons she had prepared on +Friday evening having gone clean out of her head. +</P> + +<P> +Directly half-past twelve struck, she ran to the top of the garden and +hid herself under a tree. There she crouched, her fingers in her ears, +her heart thumping as if it would break. Till the dinner-bell rang. +Then she was forced to emerge—and no tottering criminal, about to face +the scaffold, has ever had more need of Dutch courage than Laura in +this moment. Peeping round the corner of the path she saw the fateful +group: M. P. the centre of four gesticulating figures. She loitered +till they had scattered and disappeared; then with shaking legs crept +to the house. At the long tables the girls still stood, waiting for Mr. +Strachey; and the instant Laura set foot in the hall, five pairs of +eyes caught her, held her, pinned her down, as one pins a butterfly to +a board. She was much too far gone to think of tossing her head and +braving things out, now that the crisis had come. Pale, guilty, +wretched, she sidled to her seat. This was near Maria's, and, as she +passed, Maria leant back. +</P> + +<P> +"You VILE little liar!" +</P> + +<P> +"How's that shy little mouse of a girl we had here a month or two ago?" +Mr. Shepherd had inquired. "Let me see—what was her name again?" +</P> + +<P> +To which Miss Isabella had replied: "Well, you know, Robby dear, you +really hardly saw her. You had so much to do, poor boy, just when she +was here. Her name was Laura—Laura Rambotham." +</P> + +<P> +And Mrs. Shepherd gently: "Yes, a nice little girl. But very young for +her age. And SO shy." +</P> + +<P> +"You wretched little lying sneak!" +</P> + +<P> +In vain Laura wept and protested. +</P> + +<P> +"You made me do it. I should never have told a word, if it hadn't been +for you." +</P> + +<P> +This point of view enraged them. "What? You want to put it on us now, +do you? ... you dirty little skunk! To say WE made you tell that pack +of lies?—Look here: as long as you stay in this blooming shop, I'll +never open my mouth to you again!" +</P> + +<P> +"Someone ought to tell old Gurley and have her expelled. That's all +she's fit for. Spreading disgusting stories about people who've been +kind to her. They probably only asked her there out of charity. She's +as poor as dirt." +</P> + +<P> +"Wants her bottom smacked—that's what I say!" +</P> + +<P> +Thus Maria, and, with her, Kate Horner. +</P> + +<P> +Tilly was cooler and bitterer. "I was a dashed fool ever to believe a +word. I might have known her little game. She? Why, when I took her out +to see my cousin Bob, she couldn't say bo to a goose. He laughed about +her afterwards like anything; said she ought to have come in a +perambulator, with a nurse.—YOU make anyone in love with you—you!" +And Tilly spat, to show her disdain. +</P> + +<P> +"What have they been saying to you, Laura?" whispered Chinky, pale and +frightened. "Whatever is the matter?" +</P> + +<P> +"Mind your own business and go away," sobbed Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"I am, I'm going," said Chinky humbly.—"Oh, Laura, I WISH you had that +ring." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, blow you and your ring! I hate the very name of it," cried Laura, +maddened.—And retreating to a lavatory, which was the only private +place in the school, she wept her full. +</P> + +<P> +They all, every girl of them, understood white lies, and practised +them. They might also have forgiven her a lie of the good, plain, +straightforward, thumping order. What they could not forgive, or get +over, was the extraordinary circumstantiality of the fictions which +with she had gulled them: to be able to invent lies with such +proficiency meant that you had been born with a criminal bent.—And as +a criminal she was accordingly treated. +</P> + +<P> +Even the grown-up girls heard a garbled version of the story. +</P> + +<P> +"Whyever did you do it?" one of them asked Laura curiously; it was a +very pretty girl, called Evelyn, with twinkling brown eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know," said Laura abjectly; and this was almost true. +</P> + +<P> +"But I say! ... nasty tarradiddles about people who'd been so nice to +you? What made you tell them?" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't KNOW. They just came." +</P> + +<P> +The girl's eyes smiled. "Well, I never! Poor little Kiddy," she said as +she turned away. +</P> + +<P> +But this was the only kind word Laura heard. For many and many a night +after, she cried herself to sleep. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap19"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XIX. +</H3> + +<P> +Thus Laura went to Coventry.—Not that the social banishment she now +suffered was known by that name. To the majority of the girls Coventry +was just a word in the geography book, a place where ribbons were said +to be made, and where for a better-read few, some one had hung with +grooms and porters on a bridge; this detail, odd to say, making a +deeper impression on their young minds than the story of Lady Godiva, +which was looked upon merely as a naughty anecdote. +</P> + +<P> +But, by whatever name it was known, Laura's ostracism was complete. She +had been sampled, tested, put on one side. And not the softest-hearted +could find an excuse for her behaviour. +</P> + +<P> +It was but another instance of how misfortune dogs him who is down, +that Chinky should choose this very moment to bring further shame upon +her. +</P> + +<P> +On one of the miserable days that were now the rule, when Laura would +have liked best to be a rabbit, hid deep in its burrow; as she was +going upstairs one afternoon, she met Jacob, the man-of-all-work, +coming down. He had a trunk on his shoulder. Throughout the day she had +been aware of a subdued excitement among the boarders; they had stood +about in groups, talking in low voices—talking about her, she +believed, from the glances that were thrown over shoulders at her as +she passed. She made herself as small as she could; but when tea-time +came, and then [P.192] supper, and Chinky had not appeared at either +meal, curiosity got the better of her, and she tried to pump one of the +younger girls. +</P> + +<P> +Maria came up while she was speaking, and the child ran away; for the +little ones aped their elders in making Laura taboo. +</P> + +<P> +"What, liar? You want to stuff us you don't know why she's gone?" said +Maria. "No, thank you, it's not good enough. You can't bamboozle us +this time." +</P> + +<P> +"Sapphira up to her tricks again, is she?" threw in the inseparable +Kate, who had caught the last words. "No, by dad, we don't tell liars +what they know already.—So put that in your pipe and smoke it!" +</P> + +<P> +Only bit by bit did Laura dig out their meaning: then, the horrible +truth lay bare. Chinky had been dismissed—privately because she was a +boarder—from the school. Her crime was: she had taken half-a-sovereign +from the purse of one of her room-mates. When taxed with the theft, she +wept that she had not taken it for herself, but to buy a ring for Laura +Rambotham; and, with this admission on her lips, she passed out of +their lives, leaving Laura, her confederate, behind.—Yes, confederate; +for, in the minds of most, liar and thief were synonymous. +</P> + +<P> +Laura had not cared two straws for Chinky; she found what the latter +had done, "mean and disgusting", and said so, stormily; but of course +was not believed. Usually too proud to defend herself, she here +returned to the charge again and again; for the hint of connivance had +touched her on the raw. But she strove in vain to prove her innocence: +she could not get her enemies to grasp the abysmal difference between +merely making up a story about people, and laying hands on others' +property; if she could do the one, she was capable of the other; and +her companions remained convinced that, if she had not actually had her +fingers in some one's purse, she had, by a love of jewellery, incited +Chinky to the theft. And so, after a time, Laura gave up the attempt +and suffered in silence; and it WAS suffering; for her schoolfellows +were cruel with that intolerance, that unimaginative dullness, which +makes a woman's cruelty so hard to bear. Laura had to accustom herself +to hear every word she said doubted; to hear some one called to, before +her face, to attest her statements; to see her room-mates lock up their +purses under her very nose. +</P> + +<P> +However, only three weeks had still to run till the Christmas holidays. +She drew twenty-one strokes on a sheet of paper, which she pinned to +the wall above her bed; and each morning she ran her pencil through a +fresh line. She was quite resolved to beg Mother not to send her back +to school: if she said she was not getting proper food, that would be +enough to put Mother up in arms. +</P> + +<P> +The boxes were being fetched from the lumber-rooms and distributed +among their owners, when a letter arrived from Mother saying that the +two little boys had sandy blight, and that Laura would not be able to +come home under two or three weeks, for fear of infection. These weeks +she was to spend, in company with Pin, at a watering-place down the +Bay, where one of her aunts had a cottage. +</P> + +<P> +The news was welcome to Laura: she had shrunk from the thought of +Mother's searching eye. And at the cottage there would be none of her +grown-up relatives to face; only an old housekeeper, who was looking +after a party of boys. +</P> + +<P> +Hence, when speech day was over, instead of setting out on an +up-country railway journey, Laura, under the escort of Miss Snodgrass, +went on board one of the steamers that ploughed the Bay. +</P> + +<P> +"I should say sea-air'll do you good—brighten you up a bit," said the +governess affably as they drove: she was in great good-humour at the +prospect of losing sight for a time of the fifty-five. "You seem to be +always in the dumps nowadays." +</P> + +<P> +Laura dutifully waved her handkerchief from the deck of the SILVER +STAR; and the paddles began to churn. As Miss Snodgrass's back +retreated down the pier, and the breach between ship and land widened, +she settled herself on her seat with a feeling of immense relief. At +last—at last she was off. The morning had been a sore trial to her: in +all the noisy and effusive leave-taking, she was odd man out; no one +had been sorry to part from her; no one had extracted a promise that +she would write. Her sole valediction had been a minatory shaft from +Maria: if she valued her skin, to learn to stop telling crams before +she showed up there again. Now, she was free of them; she would not be +humiliated afresh, would not need to stand eye to eye with anyone who +knew of her disgrace, for weeks to come; perhaps never again, if Mother +agreed. Her heart grew momentarily lighter. And the farther they left +Melbourne behind them, the higher her spirits rose. +</P> + +<P> +But then, too, was it possible, on this radiant December day, long to +remain in what Miss Snodgrass had called "the dumps"?—The sea was a +blue-green mirror, on the surface of which they swam. The sky was a +stretched sheet of blue, in which the sun hung a very ball of fire. But +the steamer cooled the air as it moved; and none of the white-clad +people who, under the stretched white awnings, thronged the deck, felt +oppressed by the great heat. In the middle of the deck, a brass band +played popular tunes. +</P> + +<P> +At a pretty watering-place where they stopped, Laura rose and crossed +to the opposite railing. A number of passengers went ashore, pushing +and laughing, but almost as many more came on board, all dressed in +white, and with eager, animated faces. Then the boat stood to sea again +and sailed past high, grass-grown cliffs, from which a few old cannons, +pointing their noses at you, watched over the safety of the Bay—in the +event, say, of the Japanese or the Russians entering the Heads past the +pretty township, and the beflagged bathing-enclosures on the beach +below. They neared the tall, granite lighthouse at the point, with the +flagstaff at its side where incoming steamers were signalled; and as +soon as they had rounded this corner they were in view of the Heads +themselves. From the distant cliffs there ran out, on either side, +brown reefs, which made the inrushing water dance and foam, and the +entrance to the Bay narrow and dangerous: on one side, there projected +the portion of a wreck which had lain there as long as Laura had been +in the world. Then, having made a sharp turn to the left, the boat +crossed to the opposite coast, and steamed past barrack-like buildings +lying asleep in the fierce sunshine of the afternoon; and, in due +course, it stopped at Laura's destination. +</P> + +<P> +Old Anne was waiting on the jetty, having hitched the horse to a post: +she had driven in, in the 'shandrydan', to meet Laura. For the cottage +was not on the front beach, with the hotels and boarding-houses, the +fenced-in baths and great gentle slope of yellow sand: it stood in the +bush, on the back beach, which gave to the open sea. +</P> + +<P> +Laura took her seat beside the old woman in her linen sunbonnet, the +body of the vehicle being packed full of groceries and other stores; +and the drive began. Directly they were clear of the township the road +as good as ceased, became a mere sandy track, running through a scrub +of ti-trees.—And what sand! White, dry, sliding sand, through which +the horse shuffled and floundered, in which the wheels sank and stuck. +Had one of the many hillocks to be taken, the two on the box-seat +instinctively threw their weight forward; old Anne, who had a stripped +wattle-bough for a whip, urged and cajoled; and more than once she +handed Laura the reins and got down, to give the horse a pull. They had +always to be ducking their heads, too, to let the low ti-tree branches +sweep over their backs. +</P> + +<P> +About a couple of miles out, the old woman alighted and slipped a rail; +and having passed the only other house within cooee, they drove through +a paddock, but at a walking-pace, because of the thousands of +rabbit-burrows that perforated the ground. Another slip-rail lowered, +they drew up at the foot of a steepish hill, beside a sandy little +vegetable garden, a shed and a pump. The house was perched on the top +of the hill, and directly they sighted it they also saw Pin flying +down, her sunbonnet on her neck. +</P> + +<P> +"Laura, Laura! Oh, I AM glad you've come. What a time you've been!" +</P> + +<P> +"Hullo, Pin.—Oh, I say, let me get out first." +</P> + +<P> +"And pull up your bonnet, honey. D'you want to be after gettin' +sunstruck?" +</P> + +<P> +Glad though Laura was to see her sister again, she did not manage to +infuse a very hearty tone into her greeting; for her first glimpse of +Pin had given her a disagreeable shock. It was astonishing, the change +the past half-year had worked in the child; and as the two climbed the +hill together, to the accompaniment of Pin's bubbly talk, Laura stole +look after look at her little sister, in the hope of growing used to +what she saw. Pin had never been pretty, but now she was "downright +hideous"—as Laura phrased it to herself. Eleven years of age, she had +at last begun to grow in earnest: her legs were as of old mere +spindleshanks, but nearly twice as long; and her fat little body, +perched above them, made one think of a shrivelled-up old man who has +run all to paunch. Her face, too, had increased in shapelessness, the +features being blurred in the fat mass; her blue eyes were more +slit-like than before; and, to cap everything, her fine skin had +absolutely no chance, so bespattered was it with freckles. And none of +your pretty little sun-kisses; but large, black, irregular freckles +that disfigured like moles. Laura felt quite distressed; it outraged +her feelings that anyone belonging to her should be so ugly; and as +Pin, in happy ignorance of her sister's reflections, chattered on, +Laura turned over in her mind what she ought to do. She would have to +tell Pin about herself—that was plain: she must break the news to her, +in case others should do it, and more cruelly. It was one consolation +to know that Pin was not sensitive about her looks; so long as you did +not tease her about her legs, there was no limit to what you might say +to her: the grieving was all for the onlooker. But not today: this was +the first day; and there were pleasanter things to think of. And so, +when they had had tea—with condensed milk in it, for the cow had gone +dry, and no milkman came out so far—when tea was over—and that was +all that could be undertaken in the way of refreshment after the +journey; washing your face and hands, for instance, was out of the +question; every drop of water had to be carried up the hill from the +pump, and old Anne purposely kept the ewers empty by day; if you WOULD +wash, you must wash in the sea—as soon, then, as tea was over, the two +sisters made for the beach. +</P> + +<P> +The four-roomed, weatherboard cottage, to which at a later date a +lean-to had been added, faced the bush: from the verandah there was a +wide view of the surrounding country. Between the back of the house and +the beach rose a huge sand-hill, sparsely grown with rushes and coarse +grass. It took you some twenty minutes to toil over this, and boots and +stockings were useless impedimenta; for the sand was once more of that +loose and shifting kind in which you sank at times up to the knees, +falling back one step for every two you climbed. But then, sand was the +prevailing note of this free and easy life: it bestrewed verandah and +floors; you carried it in your clothes; the beds were full of it; it +even got into the food; and you were soon so accustomed to its presence +that you missed the grit of it under foot, or the prickling on your +skin, did old Anne happen to take a broom in her hand, or thoroughly +re-make the beds.—When, however, on your way to the beach you had +laboriously attained the summit of the great dune, the sight that met +you almost took your breath away: as far as the eye could reach, the +bluest of skies melting into the bluest of seas, which broke its +foam-flecked edge against the flat, brown reefs that fringed the shore. +Then, downhill—with a trip and a flounder that sent the sand +man-high—and at last you were on what Laura and Pin thought the most +wonderful beach in the world. What a variety of things was there! +Whitest, purest sand, hot to the touch as a zinc roof in summer; rocky +caves, and sandy caves hung with crumbly stalactites; at low tide, on +the reef, lakes and ponds and rivers deep enough to make it unnecessary +for you to go near the ever-angry surf at all; seaweeds that ran +through the gamut of colours: brown and green, pearl-pink and +coral-pink, to vivid scarlet and orange; shells, beginning with tiny +grannies and cowries, and ending with the monsters in which the +breakers had left their echo; the bones of cuttlefish, light as paper, +and shaped like javelins. And, what was best of all, this beach +belonged to them alone; they had not to share its treasures with +strangers; except the inhabitants of the cottage, never a soul set foot +upon it. +</P> + +<P> +The chief business of the morning was to bathe. If the girls were alone +and the tide full, they threw off their clothes and ran into a sandy, +shallow pool, where the water never came above their waists, and where +it was safe to let the breakers dash over them. But if the tide were +low, the boys bathed, too, and then Pin and Laura tied themselves up in +old bathing-gowns that were too big for them, and all went in a body to +the "Half-Moon Hole". This pool, which was about twenty feet long and +ten to fifteen deep, lay far out on the reef, and, at high tide, was +hidden beneath surf and foam; at low water, on the other hand, it was +like a glass mirror reflecting the sky, and so clear that you could see +every weed that waved at the bottom. Having cast off your shoes, you +applied your soles gingerly to the prickles of the rock; then +plop!—and in you went. Pin often needed a shove from behind, for +nowhere, of course, could you get a footing; but Laura swam with the +best. Some of the boys would dive to the bottom and bring up weeds and +shells, but Laura and Pin kept on the surface of the water; for they +had the imaginative dread common to children who know the sea well—the +dread of what may lurk beneath the thick, black horrors of seaweed. +</P> + +<P> +Then, after an hour or so in the water, home to dinner, hungry as +swagmen, though the bill of fare never varied: it was always rabbit for +dinner, crayfish for tea; for the butcher called only once a week, and +meat could not be kept an hour without getting flyblown. The rabbits +were skinned and in the stew-pot before they were cold; the crayfish +died an instant death: one that drove the blood to Laura's head, and +made Pin run away and cry, with her fingers to her ears; for she +believed the sizzling of the water, as the fish were dropped in, to be +the shriek of the creatures in their death-agony. +</P> + +<P> +Except in bathing, the girls saw little of the boys. Both were afraid +of guns, so did not go out on the expeditions which supplied the +dinner-table; and old Anne would not allow them to join the crayfishing +excursions. For these took place by night, off the end of the reef, +with nets and torches; and it sometimes happened, if the surf were +heavy, that one of the fishers was washed off the rocks, and only +hauled up again with considerable difficulty. +</P> + +<P> +Laura took her last peep at the outside world, every evening, in the +brief span of time between sunset and dark. Running up to the top of +one of the hills, and letting her eyes range over sky and sea, she +would drink in the scents that were waking to life after the burning +heat of the day: salt water, warmed sand and seaweeds, ti-scrub, +sour-grass, and the sturdy berry-bushes, high as her knee, through +which she had ploughed her way. That was one of the moments she liked +best, that, and lying in bed at night listening to the roar of the +surf, which went on and on like a cannonade, even though the hill lay +between. It made her flesh crawl, too, in delightful fashion, did she +picture to herself how alone she and Pin were, in their room: the boys +slept in the lean-to on the other side of the kitchen; old Anne at the +back. For miles round, no house broke the solitude of the bush; only a +thin wooden partition separated her from possible bushrangers, from the +vastness and desolation of the night, the eternal booming of the sea. +</P> + +<P> +Such was the life into which Laura now threw herself heart and soul, +forgetting, in the sheer joy of living, her recent tribulation. +</P> + +<P> +But even the purest pleasures WILL pall; and after a time, when the +bloom had worn off and the newness and her mind was more at leisure +again, she made some disagreeable discoveries which ruffled her +tranquillity. +</P> + +<P> +It was Pin, poor, fat, little well-meaning Pin, who did the mischief +</P> + +<P> +Pin was not only changed in looks; her character had changed, too; and +in so marked a way that before a week was out the sisters were at +loggerheads. Each day made it plainer to Laura that Pin was developing +a sturdy independence; she had ceased to look up to Laura as a prodigy +of wisdom, and had begun to hold opinions of her own. She was, indeed, +even disposed to be critical of her sister; and criticism from this +quarter was more than Laura could brook: it was just as if a slave +usurped his master's rights. At first speechless with surprise, she +ended by losing her temper; the more, because Pin was prone to be +mulish, and could not be got to budge, either by derision or by scorn, +from her espoused views. They were those of the school at which for the +past half-year she had been a day-pupil, and seemed to her +unassailable. Laura found them ridiculous, as she did much else about +Pin at this time: her ugliness, her setting herself up as an authority: +and she jeered unkindly whenever Pin came out with them.—A still more +ludicrous thing was that, despite her plainness, Pin actually had an +admirer. True, she did not say so outright; perhaps she was not even +aware of it; but Laura gathered from her talk that a boy at her school, +a boy some three years older than herself, had given her a silk +handkerchief and liked to help her with her sums.—And to Laura this +was the most knockdown blow of all. +</P> + +<P> +One day it came to an open quarrel between them. +</P> + +<P> +They were lying on the beach after bathing, trying to protect their +bare and blistered legs from the sandflies. Laura, flat on her back, +had spread a towel over hers; Pin sat Turk—fashion with her legs +beneath her and fought the flies with her hands. Having vainly +endeavoured to draw from the reticent Laura some of those school-tales +of which, in former holidays, she had been so prodigal, Pin was now +chattering to her heart's content, about the small doings of home. +Laura listened to her with the impatient toleration of one who has seen +the world: she really could not be expected to interest herself in such +trifles; and she laughed in her sleeve at Pin's simpleness. When, +however, her little sister began to enlarge anew on some wonderful +orders Mother had lately had, she could not refrain from saying +crossly: "You've told me that a dozen times already. And you needn't +bawl it out for everyone to hear." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Laura! there isn't anyone anywhere near us ... and even if there +were—why, I thought you'd be so pleased. Mother's going to give you an +extra shilling pocket-money, 'cause of it." +</P> + +<P> +"Of course I'm pleased. Don't be so silly, Pin." +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not ALWAYS silly, Laura," protested Pin. "And I don't believe you +ARE glad, a bit. Old Anne was, though. She said: 'Bless her dear +heart!'" +</P> + +<P> +"Old Anne? Well, I just wonder what next! It's none of her dashed +business." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Laura!" began Pin, growing tearful both at words and tone. "Why, +Laura, you're not ashamed of it, are you?—that mother does +sewing?"—and Pin opened her lobelia-blue eyes to their widest, showing +what very big eyes they would be, were they not so often swollen with +crying. +</P> + +<P> +"Of course not," said Laura tartly. "But I'm blessed if I can see what +it's got to do with old Anne." +</P> + +<P> +"But she asked me ... what mother was working at—and if she'd got any +new customers. She just loves mother." +</P> + +<P> +"Like her cheek!" snapped Laura. "Poking her ugly old nose into what +doesn't concern her. You should just have said you didn't know." +</P> + +<P> +"But that would have been a story, Laura!" cried Pin, horrified "I did +know—quite well." +</P> + +<P> +"Goodness gracious, Pin, you——" +</P> + +<P> +"I've never told a story in my life," said Pin hotly. "And I'm not +going to either, for you or anyone. I think you ought to be ashamed of +yourself." +</P> + +<P> +"Hold your silly tongue!" +</P> + +<P> +"I shan't, Laura. And I think you're very wicked. You're not a bit like +what you used to be. And it's all going to school that's done +it—Mother says it is." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, don't be such a blooming ass!" and Laura, stung to the quick, +retaliated by taunting Pin with the change that had come to pass in her +appearance. To her surprise, she found Pin grown inordinately touchy +about her looks: at Laura's brutal statement of the truth she cried +bitterly. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not, no, I'm not! I haven't got a full moon for a face! It's no +fatter than yours. Sarah said last time you were home how fat you were +getting." +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sure I'm not," said Laura, indignant in her turn. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, you are," sobbed Pin. "But you only think other people are ugly, +not yourself I'll tell mother what you've said as soon as ever I get +home. And I'll tell her, too, you want to make me tell stories. And +that I'm sure you've done something naughty at school, 'cause you won't +ever talk about it. And how you're always saying bad words like +blooming and gosh and golly—yes, I will!" +</P> + +<P> +"You were always a sneak and a tell-tale." +</P> + +<P> +"And you were always a greedy, selfish, deceitful thing." +</P> + +<P> +"You don't know anything about me, you numbskull, you!" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't want to! I know you're a bad, wicked girl." +</P> + +<P> +After this exchange of home truths, they did not speak to each other +for two days: Pin had a temper that smouldered, and could not easily +forgive. So she stayed at old Anne's side, helping to bake scones and +leatherjackets; or trotted after the boys, who had dropped into the way +of saying: "Come on, little Pin!" as they never said: "Come on, Laura!" +and Laura retired in lonely dudgeon to the beach. +</P> + +<P> +She took the estrangement so much to heart that she eased her feelings +by abusing Pin in thought; Pin was a pig-headed little ignoramus, as +timid as ever of setting one foot before the other. And the rest of +them would be just the same—old stick-in-the muds, unchanged by a +hair, or, if they HAD changed, then changed for the worse. Laura had +somehow never foreseen the day on which she would find herself out of +tune with her home circle; with unthinking assurance she had expected +that Pin, for instance, would always be eager to keep pace with her. +Now, she saw that her little sister would probably never catch up to +her again. Such progress as Pin might make—if she were not already +glued firm to her silly notions—would be in quite another direction. +For the quarrel had made one thing plain to Laura: with regard to her +troubles, she need not look to Pin for sympathy: if Pin talked such +gibberish at the hint of putting off an inquisitive old woman, what +would she—and not she alone—what would they all say to the tissue of +lies Laura had spun round Mr. Shepherd, a holy man, a clergyman, and a +personal friend of Mother's into the bargain? She could not blink the +fact that, did it come to their ears, they would call her in earnest, +what Pin had called her in her temper—bad and wicked. Home was, alas! +no longer the snug nest in which she was safe from the slings and +shanghais of the world. +</P> + +<P> +And then there was another thing: did she stay at home, she would have +to re-live herself into the thousand and one gimcrack concerns, which +now, as set forth by Pin, so bored her: the colic Leppie had brought on +by eating unripe fruit; the fact that another of Sarah's teeth had +dropped out without extraneous aid. It was all very well for a week or +two, but, at the idea of shutting herself wholly up with such mopokes, +of cutting herself off from her present vital interests, Laura hastily +reconsidered her decision to leave school. No: badly as she had +suffered at her companions' hands, much as she dreaded returning, it +was at school she belonged. All her heart was there: in the doings of +her equals, the things that really mattered—who would be promoted, who +prefect, whose seat changed in the dining-hall.—Besides, could one who +had experienced the iron rule of Mr. Strachey, or Mrs. Gurley, ever be +content to go back and just form one of a family of children? She not, +at any rate! +</P> + +<P> +Thus she lay, all day long, her hands clasped under her neck, a small +white speck on the great wave-lapped beach. She watched the surf break, +watched the waves creep up and hide the reef, watched the gulls vanish +in the sun-saturated blue overhead. Sometimes she rose to her elbow to +follow a ship just inside the horizon; and it pleased her to think that +this great boat was sailing off, with a load of lucky mortals, to some +unknown, fairer world, while she, a poor Cinderella, had to stop +behind—even though she knew it was only the English mail going on to +Sydney. Of Pin she preferred not to think; nor could she dwell with +equanimity on her late misfortunes at school and the trials that +awaited her on her reappearance; and since she HAD to think of +something, she fell into the habit of making up might-have-been, of +narrating to herself how things would have fallen out had her fictions +been fact, her ascetic hero the impetuous lover she had made of +him.—In other words, lying prostrate on the sand, Laura went on with +her story. +</P> + +<P> +When, towards the end of the third week, she and Pin were summoned to +spend some days with Godmother, she had acquired such a gusto for this +occupation, that she preferred to shirk reality, and let Pin pay the +visit alone. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap20"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XX. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +WIE SOLLTE EIN STROM NICHT ENDLICH DEN WEG ZUM MEERE FINDEN! +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +Sea, sun and air did their healing work, as did also the long, idle +days in the home garden; and Laura drank in health and vigour with +every breath. +</P> + +<P> +She had need of it all when, the golden holidays over, she returned to +school; for the half-year that broke was, in many ways, the most trying +she had yet had to face. True, her dupes' first virulence had +waned—they no longer lashed her openly with their tongues—but the +quiet, covert insults, that were now the rule, were every bit as hard +to bear; and before a week had passed Laura was telling herself that, +had she been a Christian Martyr, she would have preferred to be torn +asunder with one jerk, rather than submit to the thumbkin. Not an eye +but looked askance at her; on every face was painted a reminder of her +moral inferiority; and even newcomers among the boarders soon learnt, +without always knowing what her crime had been, that Laura Rambotham +was "not the thing". +</P> + +<P> +This system of slight and disparagement was similar to what she had had +to endure in her first school term; but its effect upon her was +different. Then, in her raw timidity, she had bowed her head beneath +it; now, she could not be so lamb-like. In thought, she never ceased to +lay half the blame of what had happened on her companions' shoulders; +and she was embittered by their injustice in making her alone +responsible, when all she had done was to yield to their craving for +romance. She became a rebel, wrapping herself round in the cloak of +bitterness which the outcasts of fortune wear, feeding on her hate of +those within the pale. Very well then, she said to herself: if her +fellows chose to shut her out like this, she would stop outside, and +never see eye to eye with them again. And it gave her an unholy +pleasure to mock, in secret, at all they set store by. +</P> + +<P> +Her outward behaviour for many a day was, none the less, that of a +footlicker; and by no sign did she indicate what she really was—a very +unhappy girl. Like most rebels of her sex, she ardently desired to +re-enter the fold of law and order; and it was to this end she worked, +although, wherever she approached it, the place seemed to bristle with +spears. But she did not let herself be daunted; she pocketed injuries, +pretended not to hear them, played the spaniel to people she despised; +and it soon became open talk, that no matter what you said to her, +Laura Rambotham would not take offence. You could also rely on her to +do a dirty job for you.—A horrid little toady was the verdict; +especially of those who had no objection to be toadied to. +</P> + +<P> +Torn thus, between mutinous sentiments on the one hand, a longing for +restitution on the other, Laura grew very sly—a regular little +tactician. In these days, she was for ever considering what she ought +to do, what to leave undone. She learnt to weigh her words before +uttering them, instead of blurting out her thoughts in the childish +fashion that had exposed her to ridicule; she learnt, too, at last, to +keep her real opinions to herself, and to make those she expressed +tally with her hearers'. And she was quick to discover that this was a +short-cut towards regaining her lost place: to conceal what she truly +felt—particularly if her feelings ran counter to those of the +majority. For, the longer she was at school, the more insistently the +truth was driven home to her, that the majority is always in the right. +</P> + +<P> +In the shifting of classes that took place at the year's end, she left +the three chief witnesses of her disgrace—Tilly, Maria, Kate—behind +her. She was again among a new set of girls. But this little piece of +luck was outweighed by the fact that, shortly after Christmas, her room +was changed for the one occupied by M. P., and M. P.'s best friend. +</P> + +<P> +So far, Laura had hardly dared to lift her eyes in Mary Pidwall's +presence. For Mary knew not only the sum of her lies, but also held—or +so Laura believed—that she came of a thoroughly degenerate family; +thanks to Uncle Tom. And the early weeks spent at close quarters with +her bore out these fears. The looks both M. P. and her friend bent on +Laura said as plainly as words: if we are forced to tolerate this +obnoxious little insect about us, we can at least show it just what a +horrid little beast it is.—M. P. in particular was adamant, +unrelenting; Laura quailed at the sound of her step. +</P> + +<P> +And yet she soon felt, rightly enough, it was just in the winning over +of this stern, rigid nature that her hope of salvation lay. If she +could once get M. P. on her side, all might yet be well again. +</P> + +<P> +So she began to lay siege to Mary's good-will—to Mary, who took none +but the barest notice of her, even in the bedroom ignoring her as if +she did not exist, and giving the necessary orders, for she was the +eldest of the three, in tones of ice. But it needed a great wariness on +Laura's part. And, in the beginning, she made a mistake. She was a +toadeater here, too, seeking to curry favour with M. P. as with the +rest, by fawning on her, in a way for which she could afterwards have +hit herself. For it did not answer; M. P. had only a double disdain for +the cringer, knowing nothing herself of the pitfalls that lie in wait +for a temperament like Laura's. Mary's friendship was extended to none +but those who had a lofty moral standard; and truthfulness and honesty +were naturally the head virtues on her list. Laura was sharp enough to +see that, if she wished to gain ground with M. P. she must make a +radical change in her tactics. It was not enough, where Mary was in +question, to play the echo. Did she, Laura, state an opinion, she must +say what she meant, above all, mean what she said, and stick manfully +to it, instead of, at the least hint, being ready to fly over to Mary's +point of view: always though, of course, with the disquieting proviso +in the background that her own opinions were such as she ought to have, +and not heretical leanings that shocked and dismayed. In which case, +there was nothing for it but to go on being mum. +</P> + +<P> +She ventured, moreover, little unobtrusive services, to which she +thought neither of the girls could take exception; making their beds +for them in the morning, and staying up last at night to put out the +light. And once she overheard the friend, who was called Cupid, say: +"You know, M. P., she's not such a bad little stick after all."—But +then Cupid was easy-going, and inclined to be original. +</P> + +<P> +May answered: "She's no doubt beginning to see she can't lie to US. But +she's a very double-faced child." +</P> + +<P> +It was also with an eye to M. P.'s approval that Laura threw herself, +with renewed zeal, upon her work. And in those classes that called only +for the exercise of her memory, she soon sat high. The reason why she +could not mount still higher was that M. P. occupied the top place, and +was not to be moved, even had Laura dreamed of attempting it. +</P> + +<P> +And at length, after three months of unremitting exertion in the course +of which, because she had little peeps of what looked like success, the +rebel in her went to sleep again—at length Laura had her reward. One +Sunday morning M. P. asked her to be her partner on the walk to church. +This was as if a great poet should bend from his throne to take a +younger brother-singer by the hand; and, in her headlong fashion, Laura +all but fell at the elder girl's feet. From this day forward she +out-heroded Herod, in her efforts to make of herself exactly what Mary +thought she ought to be. +</P> + +<P> +Deep within her, none the less, there lurked a feeling which sometimes +made as if to raise its head: a feeling that she did not really like M. +P., or admire her, or respect her; one which, had it come quite to +life, would have kicked against Mary's authority, been contemptuous of +her unimaginative way of seeing and saying things, on the alert to +remind its owner that HER way, too, had a right to existence. But is +was not strong enough to make itself heard, or rather Laura refused to +hear it, and turned a deaf ear whenever it tried to hint at its +presence.—For Mr. Worldly-Wiseman was her model just now. +</P> + +<P> +Whereas Cupid—there was something in Cupid that was congenial to her. +A plain girl, with irregular features—how she had come by her nickname +no one knew—Cupid was three years older than Laura, and one of the few +in the school who loved reading for its own sake. In a manner, she was +cleverer even than M. P.; but it was not a school-booky way, and hence +was not thought much of. However, Laura felt drawn to her at once—even +though Cupid treated her as quite a little girl—and they sometimes got +as far as talking of books they had read. From this whiff of her, Laura +was sure that Cupid would have had more understanding than M. P. for +her want of veracity; for Cupid had a kind of a dare-devil mind in a +hidebound character, and was often very bold of speech. +</P> + +<P> +Yet it was not Cupid's good opinion she worked for, with might and main. +</P> + +<P> +The rate of her upward progress in Mary's estimation could be gauged by +the fact that the day came when the elder girl spoke openly to her of +her crime. At the first merciless words Laura winced hotly, both at and +for the tactlessness of which Mary was guilty. But, the first shameful +stab over, she felt the better of it; yes, it was a relief to speak to +some one of what she had borne alone for so long. To speak of it, and +even to argue round it a little; for, like most wrongdoers, Laura soon +acquired a taste for dwelling on her misdeed. And Mary, being entirely +without humour, and also unversed in dealing with criminals, did not +divine that this was just a form of self-indulgence. It was Cupid who +said: "Look here, Infant, you'll be getting cocky about what you did, +if you don't look out." +</P> + +<P> +Mary would not allow that a single one of Laura's excuses held water. +</P> + +<P> +"That's the sheerest nonsense. You don't seem to realise that you tried +to defame another person's moral character," she said, in the assured, +superior way that so impressed Laura.—And this aspect of the case, +which had never once occurred to her, left Laura open-mouthed; and yet +a little doubtful: Mr. Shepherd was surely too far above her, and too +safely ensconced in holiness, to be injured by anything she might say. +But the idea gave her food for thought; and she even tentatively +developed her story along these unfamiliar lines, just to see how it +might have turned out. +</P> + +<P> +One night as they were undressing for bed, Mary spoke, with the same +fireless depreciation, of the behaviour of a classmate which had been +brought to her notice that day. This girl was said to have nefariously +"copied" from another, in the course of a written examination; and, as +prefect of her class Mary was bound to track the evil down. "I shall +make them both show me their papers as soon as they get them back; and +then, if I find proof of what's being said, I must tackle her. Just as +I tackled you, Laura." +</P> + +<P> +Laura flushed. "Oh, M. P., I've never 'copied' in my life!" she cried. +</P> + +<P> +"Probably not. But those things all belong in the same box: lying, and +'copying', and stealing." +</P> + +<P> +"You never WILL believe me when I say I didn't know anything about that +horrid Chinky. I only told a few crams—that was quite different." +</P> + +<P> +"I think it's most unfortunate, Laura, that you persist in clinging to +that idea." +</P> + +<P> +Here M. P. was obliged to pause; for she had put a lock of hair between +her teeth while she did something to a plait at the back. As soon as +she could speak again, she went on: "You and your few crams! Have you +ever thought, pray, what a state of things it would be, if we all went +about telling false-hoods, and saying it didn't matter, they were +merely a few little fibs?—What are you laughing at?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not laughing. I mean ... I just smiled. I was only thinking how +funny it would be—Sandy, and old Gurley, and Jim Chapman, all going +round making up things that had never happened." +</P> + +<P> +"You've a queer notion of what's funny. Have you utterly no respect for +the truth?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, of course I have. But I say"—Laura, who always slipped quickly +out of her clothes, was sitting in her nightgown on the edge of the +bed, hugging her knees. "I say, M. P., if everybody told stories, and +everybody knew everybody else was telling them, then truth wouldn't be +any good any more at all, would it? If nobody used it?" +</P> + +<P> +"What rubbish you do talk!" said Mary serenely, as she shook her +toothbrush on to a towel and rubbed it dry. +</P> + +<P> +"As if truth were a soap!" remarked Cupid who was already in bed, +reading NANA, and trying to smoke a cigarette under the blankets. +</P> + +<P> +"You can't do away with truth, child." +</P> + +<P> +"But why not? Who says so? It isn't a law." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't try to be so sharp, Laura." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't mean to, M. P.—But what IS truth, anyhow?" asked Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"The Bible is truth. Can you do away with the Bible, pray?" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course not. But M. P.... The Bible isn't quite all truth, you know. +My father——" here she broke off in some confusion, remembering Uncle +Tom. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, what about him? You don't want to say, I hope, that he didn't +believe in the Bible?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura drove back the: "Of course not!" that was all but over her lips. +"Well, not exactly," she said, and grew very red. "But you KNOW, M. P., +whales don't have big enough throats ever to have swallowed Jonah." +</P> + +<P> +"Little girls shouldn't talk about what they don't understand. The +Bible is God's Word; and God is Truth." +</P> + +<P> +"You're a silly infant," threw in Cupid, coughing as she spoke. "Truth +has got to be—and honesty, too. If it didn't exist, there couldn't be +any state, or laws, or any social life. It's one of the things that +makes men different from animals, and the people who boss us know +pretty well what they're about, you bet when they punish the ruffians +who don't practise it." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, now THAT I see," agreed Laura eagerly. "Then truth's a useful +thing.—Oh, and that's probably what it means, too, when you say: +Honesty is the best Policy." +</P> + +<P> +"I never heard such a child," said M. P., shocked. "Cupid, you really +shouldn't put such things into her head.—You're down-right immoral, +Laura." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, how CAN you say such a horrid thing?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, your ideas are simply dreadful. You ought to try your hardest to +improve them." +</P> + +<P> +"I do, M. P., really I do." +</P> + +<P> +"You don't succeed. I think there must be a screw loose in you +somewhere." +</P> + +<P> +"Anyhow, I vote we adjourn this meeting," said Cupid, recovering from a +fresh cough and splutter. "Or old Gurley'll be coming in to put me on a +mustard plaster.—As for you, Infant, if you take the advice of a chap +who has seen life, you'll keep your ideas to yourself: they're too +crude for this elegant world." +</P> + +<P> +"Right you are!" said Laura cheerfully. +</P> + +<P> +She was waiting by the gas-jet till M.P. had folded her last garment, +and she shuffled her bare feet one over the other as she stood; for it +was a cold night. The light out, she hopped into bed in the dark. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap21"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXI. +</H3> + +<P> +But the true seal was set on her regeneration when she was invited to +join the boarders' Literary Society; of which Cupid and Mary were the +leading spirits. This carried her back, at one stroke, into the swing +of school life. For everybody who was anybody belonged to the society. +And, despite her friendship with the head of her class, Laura still +knew what it was to get the cold shoulder. +</P> + +<P> +But this was to some extent her own fault. At the present stage of her +career she was an extraordinarily prickly child, and even to her two +sponsors did not at times present a very amiable outside: like a +hedgehog, she was ever ready to shoot out her spines. With regard, that +is, to her veracity. She had been so badly grazed, in her recent +encounter, that she was now constantly seeing doubt where no doubt was; +and this wakeful attitude of suspicion towards others did not make for +brotherly love. The amenity of her manners suffered, too: though she +kept to her original programme of not saying all she thought, yet what +she was forced to say she blurted out in such a precise and blunt +fashion that it made a disagreeable impression. At the same time, a +growing pedantry in trifles warped both her imagination and her +sympathies: under the aegis of M. P., she rapidly learned to be the +latter's rival in an adherence to bald fact, and in her contumely for +those who departed from it. Indeed, before the year spent in Mary's +company was out, Laura was well on the way towards becoming one of +those uncomfortable people who, concerned only for their own salvation, +fire the truth at you on every occasion, without regard for your tender +places.—So she remained but scantly popular. +</P> + +<P> +Hence, her admission to the Literary Society augured well. +</P> + +<P> +Her chief qualifications for membership were that she could make +verses, and was also very fond of reading. At school, however, this +taste had been quiescent; for books were few. Still, she had read +whatever she could lay hands on, and for the past half-year or more she +had fared like a little pig in a clover field. Since Christmas, she was +one of the few permitted to do morning practice on the grand piano in +Mrs. Strachey's drawing-room—an honour, it is true, not overmuch +valued by its recipients, for Mrs. Gurley's bedroom lay just above, and +that lady could swoop down on whoever was weak enough to take a little +rest. But Laura snapped her fingers at such a flimsy objection; for +this was the wonderful room round the walls of which low, open +bookshelves ran; and she was soon bold enough, on entering, hastily to +select a book to read while she played, always on the alert to pop it +behind her music, should anyone come into the room. +</P> + +<P> +For months, she browsed unchecked. As her choice had to be made with +extreme celerity, and from those shelves nearest the piano, it was in +the nature of things that it was not invariably a happy one. For some +time she had but moderate luck, and sampled queer foods. To these must +be reckoned a translation of FAUST, which she read through, to the end +of the First Part at least, with a kind of dreary wonder why such a +dull thing should be called great. For her next repast, she sought hard +and it was in the course of this rummage that she had the strangest +find of all. Running a skilled eye over the length of a shelf close at +hand, she hit on a slim, blue volume, the title of which at once +arrested her attention. For, notwithstanding her fourteen years, and +her dabblings in Richardson and Scott, Laura's liking for a real +child's book was as strong as it had ever been; and A DOLL'S HOUSE +seemed to promise good things. Deftly extracting the volume, she struck +up her scales and began to read. +</P> + +<P> +This was the day on which, after breakfast, Mrs. Gurley pulverised her +with the remark: "A new, and, I must say, extremely interesting, +fashion of playing scales, Laura Rambotham! To hold, the forte pedal +down, from beginning to end!" +</P> + +<P> +Laura was unconscious of having sinned in this way. But it might quite +well be so. For she had spent a topsy-turvy, though highly engrossing +hour. In place of the children's story she anticipated, she had found +herself, on opening the book, confronted by the queerest stuff she had +ever seen in print. From the opening sentence on. To begin with, it was +a play—and Laura had never had a modern prose play in her hand +before—and then it was all about the oddest, yet the most commonplace +people. It seemed to her amazingly unreal—how these people spoke and +behaved—she had never known anyone like them; and yet again so true, +in the way it dragged in everyday happenings, so petty in its rendering +of petty things, that it bewildered and repelled her: why, some one +might just as well write a book about Mother or Sarah! Her young, +romantic soul rose in arms against this, its first bluff contact with +realism, against such a dispiriting sobriety of outlook. Something +within her wanted to cry out in protest as she read—for read she did, +on three successive days, with an interest she could not explain. And +that was not all. It was worse that the people in this book—the +extraordinary person who was married, and had children, and yet ate +biscuits out of a bag and said she didn't; the man who called her his +lark and his squirrel—as if any man ever did call his wife such +names!—all these people seemed eternally to be meaning something +different from what they said; something that was for ever eluding her. +It was most irritating.— There was, moreover, no mention of a doll's +house in the whole three acts. +</P> + +<P> +The state of confusion this booklet left her in, she allayed with a +little old brown leather volume of Longfellow. And HYPERION was so much +more to her liking that she even ventured to borrow it from its place +on the shelf, in order to read it at her leisure, braving the chance +that her loan, were it discovered, might be counted against her as a +theft. +</P> + +<P> +It hung together, no doubt, with the after-effects of her dip into +Ibsen that, on her sitting down to write the work that was to form her +passport to the Society, her mind should incline to the most romantic +of romantic themes. Not altogether, though: Laura's taste, such as it +was, for literature had, like all young people's, a mighty bias towards +those books which turned their backs on reality: she sought not truth, +but the miracle. However, though she had thus taken sides, there was +still a yawning gap to be bridged between her ready acceptance of the +honourable invitation, and the composition of a masterpiece. Thanks to +her wonted inability to project her thoughts beyond the moment, she had +been so unthinking of possible failure that Cupid had found it +necessary to interject: "Here, I say, don't blow!" Whereas, when she +came to write, she sat with her pen poised over the paper for nearly +half an hour, without bringing forth a word. First, there was the +question of form: she considered, then abruptly dismissed, the idea of +writing verses: the rhymes with love and dove, and heart and part, +which could have been managed, were, she felt, too silly and +sentimental to be laid before her quizzical audience. Next, what to +write about—a simple theme, such as a fairy-tale, was not for a moment +to be contemplated. No, Laura had always flown her hawk high, and she +was now bent on making a splutter. It ended by being a toss-up between +a play in the Shakesperian manner and a novel after Scott. She decided +on the novel. It should be a romance of Venice, with abundant murder +and mystery in it, and a black, black villain, such as her soul +loved—no macaroon-nibblers or rompers with children for her! And +having thus attuned her mind to scarlet deeds, she set to work. But she +found it tremendously difficult to pin her story to paper: she saw +things clearly enough, and could have related them by word of mouth; +but did she try to write them down they ran to mist; and though she +toiled quite literally in the sweat of her brow, yet when the eventful +day came she had but three niggardly pages to show for her pains. +</P> + +<P> +About twenty girls formed the Society, which assembled one Saturday +evening in an empty music-room. All were not, of course, equally +productive: some had brought it no further than a riddle: and it was +just these drones who, knowing nothing of the pother composition +implied, criticised most stringently the efforts of the rest. Several +members had pretty enough talents, Laura's two room-mates among the +number: on the night Laura made her debut, the weightiest achievement +was, without doubt, M. P.'s essay on "Magnanimity"; and Laura's eyes +grew moist as she listened to its stirring phrases. Next best—to her +thinking, at least—was a humorous episode by Cupid, who had a gift +that threw Laura into a fit of amaze; and this was the ability to +expand infinitely little into infinitely much; to rig out a trifle in +many words, so that in the end it seemed ever so much bigger than it +really was—just as a thrifty merchant boils his oranges, to swell them +to twice their size. +</P> + +<P> +Laura being the youngest member, her affair came last on the programme: +she had to sit and listen to the others, her cheeks hot, her hands very +cold. Presently all were done, and then Cupid, who was chairman, called +on "a new author, Rambotham, who it is hoped will prove a valuable +acquisition to the Society, to read us his maiden effort". +</P> + +<P> +Laura rose to her feet and, trembling with nervousness, stuttered forth +her prose. The three little pages shot past like a flash; she had +barely stood up before she was obliged to sit down again, leaving her +hearers, who had only just re-adopted their listening attitudes, agape +with astonishment. She could have endured, with phlegm, the ridicule +this malheur earned her: what was harder to stomach was that her paper +heroics made utterly no impression. She suffered all the humiliation of +a flabby fiasco, and, till bedtime, shrank out of her friends' way. +</P> + +<P> +"You were warned not to be too cocky, you know," Mary said judicially, +on seeing her downcast air. +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't mean to be, really.—Then you don't think what I wrote was up +to much, M. P.?" +</P> + +<P> +"Mm," said the elder girl, in a non-committal way. +</P> + +<P> +Here Cupid chimed in. "Look here, Infant, I want to ask you something. +Have you ever been in Venice?" +</P> + +<P> +"No." +</P> + +<P> +"Ever seen a gondola?" +</P> + +<P> +"No." +</P> + +<P> +"Or the Doge's palace?—or a black-cloaked assassin?—or a masked lady?" +</P> + +<P> +"You know I haven't," murmured Laura, humbled to the dust. +</P> + +<P> +"And probably never will. Well then, why on earth try to write wooden, +second-hand rubbish like that?" +</P> + +<P> +"Second-hand? ... But Cupid ... think of Scott! He couldn't have seen +half he told about?" +</P> + +<P> +"My gracious!" ejaculated Cupid, and sat down and fanned herself with a +hairbrush. "You don't imagine you're a Scott, do you? Here, hold me, M. +P., I'm going to faint!"—and at Laura's quick and scarlet denial, she +added: "Well, why the unmentionable not use the eyes the Lord has given +you, and write about what's before them every day of your life?" +</P> + +<P> +"Do you think that would be better?" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't think—I know it would." +</P> + +<P> +But Laura was not so easily convinced as all that. +</P> + +<P> +Ever a talented imitator, she next tried her hand at an essay on an +abstract subject. This was a failure: you could not SEE things, when +you wrote about, say, "Beneficence"; and Laura's thinking was done +mainly in pictures. Matters were still worse when she tinkered at +Cupid's especial genre: her worthless little incident stared at her, +naked and scraggy, from the sheet; she had no wealth of words at her +disposal in which to deck it out. So, with a sigh, she turned back to +the advice Cupid had given her, and prepared to make a faithful +transcript of actuality. She called what she now wrote: "A Day at +School", and conscientiously set down detail on detail; so fearful, +this time, of over-brevity, that she spun the account out to twenty +pages; though the writing of it was as distasteful to her as her +reading of A DOLL'S HOUSE had been. +</P> + +<P> +At the subsequent meeting of the Society, expression of opinion was not +lacking. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Jehoshaphat! How much more?" +</P> + +<P> +"Here, let me get out. I've had enough." +</P> + +<P> +"I say, you forgot to count how many steps it took you to come +downstairs." +</P> + +<P> +Till the chairman had pity on the embarrassed author and said: "Look +here, Laura, I think you'd better keep the rest for another time." +</P> + +<P> +"It was just what you told me to do," Laura reproached Cupid that +night: she was on the brink of tears. +</P> + +<P> +But Cupid was disinclined to shoulder the responsibility. "Told you to +be as dull and long-winded as that? Infant, it's a whacker!" +</P> + +<P> +"But it was TRUE what I wrote—every word of it." +</P> + +<P> +Neither of the two elder girls was prepared to discuss this vital +point. Cupid shifted ground. "Good Lord, Laura, but it's hard to drive +a thing into YOUR brain-pan.—You don't need to be ALL true on paper, +silly child!" +</P> + +<P> +"Last time you said I had to." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, if you want it, my candid opinion is that you haven't any talent +for this kind of thing.—Now turn off the gas." +</P> + +<P> +As the light in the room went out, a kind of inner light seemed to go +up in Laura; and both then and on the following days she thought hard. +She was very ambitious, anxious to shine, not ready to accept defeat; +and to the next literary contest she brought the description of an +excursion to the hills and gullies that surrounded Warrenega; into +which she had worked an adventure with some vagrant blacks. She and Pin +and the boys had often picnicked on these hills, with their lunches +packed in billies; and she had seen the caves and rocky holes where +blackfellows were said to have hidden themselves in early times; but +neither this particular excursion, nor the exciting incident which she +described with all the aplomb of an eyewitness, had ever taken place. +That is to say: not a word of her narration was true, but every word of +it might have been true. +</P> + +<P> +And with this she had an unqualified success. +</P> + +<P> +"I believe there's something in you after all," said Cupid to her that +night. "Anyhow, you know now what it is to be true, yet not dull and +prosy." +</P> + +<P> +And Laura manfully choked back her desire to cry out that not a word of +her story was fact. +</P> + +<P> +She was long in falling asleep. Naturally, she was elated and excited +by her success; but also a new and odd piece of knowledge had niched +itself in her brain. It was this. In your speech, your talk with +others, you must be exact to the point of pedantry, and never romance +or draw the long-bow; or you would be branded as an abominable liar. +Whereas, as soon as you put pen to paper, provided you kept one foot +planted on probability, you might lie as hard as you liked: indeed, the +more vigorously you lied, the louder would be your hearers' applause. +</P> + +<P> +And Laura fell asleep over a chuckle. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap22"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXII. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +UND VERGESST MIR AUCH DAS GUTE LACHEN NICHT! +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +And then, alas! just as she rode high on this wave of approbation, +Laura suffered another of those drops in the esteem of her fellows, +another of those mental upsets, which from time to time had thrown her +young life out of gear. +</P> + +<P> +True, what now came was not exactly her own fault; though it is +doubtful whether a single one of her companions would have made her +free of an excuse. They looked on, round-eyed, mouths a-stretch. Once +more, the lambkin called Laura saw fit to sunder itself from the flock, +and to cut mad capers in sight of them all. And their delectation was +as frank as their former wrath had been.—As for Laura, as usual she +did not stop to think till it was too late; but danced lightly away to +her own undoing. +</P> + +<P> +The affair began pleasantly enough. A member of the Literary Society +was the girl with the twinkly brown eyes—she who had gone out of her +way to give Laura a kindly word after the Shepherd debacle. This girl, +Evelyn Souttar by name, was also the only one of the audience who had +not joined in the laugh provoked by Laura's first appearance as an +author. Laura had never forgotten this; and she would smile shyly at +Evelyn when their looks met. But a dozen reasons existed why there +should have been no further rapport between them. Although now in the +fifth form, Laura had remained childish for her age: whereas Evelyn was +over eighteen, and only needed to turn up her hair to be quite +grown-up. She had matriculated the previous Christmas, and was at +present putting away a rather desultory half-year, before leaving +school for good. In addition, she was rich, pampered and very +pretty—the last comrade in the world for drab little Laura. +</P> + +<P> +One evening, as the latter was passing through the dining-hall, she +found Evelyn, who studied where she chose, disconsolately running her +fingers through her gold-brown hair. +</P> + +<P> +"I say, Kiddy," she called to Laura. "You know Latin, don't you? Just +give us a hand with this."—Latin had not been one of Evelyn's +subjects, and she was now employing some of her spare time in studying +the language with Mr. Strachey, who taught it after a fashion of his +own. "How on earth would you say: 'We had not however rid here so long, +but should have tided it up the river'? What's the old fool mean by +that?" and she pushed an open volume of ROBINSON CRUSOE towards Laura. +</P> + +<P> +Laura helped to the best of her ability. +</P> + +<P> +"Thanks awfully," said Evelyn. "You're a clever chickabiddy. But you +must let me help you with something in return. What's hardest?" +</P> + +<P> +"Filling baths and papering rooms," replied Laura candidly. +</P> + +<P> +"Arithmetic, eh? Well, if ever you want a sum done, come to me." +</P> + +<P> +But Laura was temperamentally unable to accept so vague an invitation; +and here the matter closed. +</P> + +<P> +When, consequently, Miss Chapman summoned her one evening to tell her +that she was to change her present bedroom for Evelyn's, the news came +as a great shock to her. +</P> + +<P> +"Change my room?" she echoed, in slow disgust. "Oh, I can't, Miss +Chapman!" +</P> + +<P> +"You've got to, Laura, if Mrs. Gurley says so," expostulated the kindly +governess. +</P> + +<P> +"But I won't! There MUST be some mistake. Just when I'm so comfortably +settled, too.—Very well, then, Miss Chapman, I'll speak to Mrs. Gurley +myself." +</P> + +<P> +She carried out this threat, and, for daring to question orders, +received the soundest snubbing she had had for many a long day. +</P> + +<P> +That night she was very bitter about it all, and the more so because +Mary and Cupid did not, to her thinking, show sufficient sympathy. +</P> + +<P> +"I believe you're both glad I'm going. It's a beastly shame. Why must I +always be odd man out?" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here, Infant, don't adopt that tone, please," said Cupid +magisterially. "Or you'll make us glad in earnest. People who are +always up in arms about things are the greatest bores in the world." +</P> + +<P> +So the following afternoon Laura wryly took up armfuls of her +belongings, mounted a storey higher, and deposited them on the second +bed in Evelyn's room. +</P> + +<P> +The elder girl had had this room to herself for over a year now, and +Laura felt sure would be chafing inwardly at her intrusion. For days +she stole mousily in and out, avoiding the hours when Evelyn was there, +getting up earlier in the morning, hurrying into bed at night and +feeling very sore indeed at the sufferance on which she supposed +herself to be. +</P> + +<P> +But once Evelyn caught her and said: "Don't, for gracious' sake, knock +each time you want to come in, child. This is your room now as well as +mine." +</P> + +<P> +Laura reddened, and blurted out something about knowing how she must +hate to have HER stuck in there. +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn wrinkled up her forehead and laughed. "What rot! Do you think +I'd have asked to have you, if I hated it so much?" +</P> + +<P> +"You asked to have me?" gasped Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"Of course—didn't you know? Old Gurley said I'd need to have some one; +so I chose you." +</P> + +<P> +Laura was too dumbfounded, and too diffident, to ask the grounds of +such a choice. But the knowledge that it was so, worked an instant +change in her. +</P> + +<P> +In all the three years she had been at school, she had not got beyond a +surface friendliness with any of her fellows. Even those who had been +her "chums" had wandered like shades through the groves of her +affection: rough, teasing Bertha; pretty, lazy Inez; perky Tilly, +slangily frank Maria and Kate, Mary and her moral influence, clever, +instructive Cupid: to none of them had she been drawn by any deeper +sense of affinity. And though she had come to believe, in the course of +the last, more peaceful year, that she had grown used to being what you +would call an unpopular girl—one, that is, with whom no one ever +shared a confidence—yet seldom was there a child who longed more +ardently to be liked, or suffered more acutely under dislike. Apart +however from the brusque manner she had contracted, in her search after +truth, it must be admitted that Laura had but a small talent for +friendship; she did not grasp the constant give-and-take intimacy +implies; the liking of others had to be brought to her, unsought, she, +on the other hand, being free to stand back and consider whether or no +the feeling was worth returning. And friends are not made in this +fashion. +</P> + +<P> +But Evelyn had stoutly, and without waiting for permission, crossed the +barrier; and each new incident in her approach was pleasanter than the +last. Laura was pleased, and flattered, and round the place where her +heart was, she felt a warm and comfortable glow. +</P> + +<P> +She began to return the liking, with interest, after the manner of a +lonely, bottled-up child. And everything about Evelyn made it easy to +grow fond of her. To begin with, Laura loved pretty things and pretty +people; and her new friend was out and away the prettiest girl in the +school. Then, too, she was clever, and that counted; you did not make a +friend of a fool. But her chief characteristics were a certain sound +common sense, and an inexhaustible fund of good-nature—a careless, +happy, laughing sunniness, that was as grateful to those who came into +touch with it as a rare ointment is grateful to the skin. This +kindliness arose, it might be, in the first place from indolence: it +was less trouble to be merry and amiable than to put oneself out to be +selfish, which also meant standing a fire of disagreeable words and +looks; and then, too, it was really hard for one who had never had a +whim crossed to be out of humour. But, whatever its origin, the +good-nature was there, everlastingly; and Laura soon learnt that she +could cuddle in under it, and be screened by it, as a lamb is screened +by its mother's woolly coat. +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn was the only person who did not either hector her, or feel it a +duty to clip and prune at her: she accepted Laura for what she was—for +herself. Indeed, she even seemed to lay weight on Laura's bits of +opinions, which the girl had grown so chary of offering; and, under the +sunshine of this treatment, Laura shot up and flowered like a spring +bulb. She began to speak out her thoughts again; she unbosomed herself +of dark little secrets; and finally did what she would never have +believed possible: sitting one night in her nightgown, on the edge of +Evelyn's bed, she made a full confession of the pickle she had got +herself into, over her visit to the Shepherds. +</P> + +<P> +To her astonishment, Evelyn, who was already in bed, laughed till the +tears ran down her cheeks. At Laura's solemn-faced incredulity she said: +</P> + +<P> +"I say, Kiddy, but that WAS rich. To think a chicken of your size sold +them like that. It's the best joke I've heard for an age. Tell us +again—from the beginning." +</P> + +<P> +Nothing loath Laura started in afresh, and in this, the second telling, +embroidered the edge of her tale with a few fancy stitches, in a way +she had not ventured on for months past; so that Evelyn was more +tickled than before. +</P> + +<P> +"No wonder they were mad about being had like that. You little rascal!" +</P> + +<P> +She was equally amused by Laura's description of the miserable week she +had spent, trying to make up her mind to confess. +</P> + +<P> +"You ridiculous sprat! Why didn't you come to me? We'd have let them +down with a good old bump." +</P> + +<P> +But Laura could not so easily forget the humiliations she had been +forced to suffer, and delicately hinted to her friend at M. P.'s moral +strictures. With her refreshing laugh, Evelyn brushed these aside as +well. +</P> + +<P> +"Tommyrot! Never mind that old jumble-sale of all the virtues. It was +jolly clever of a mite like you to bamboozle them as you did—take my +word for that." +</P> + +<P> +This jocose way of treating the matter seemed to put it in an entirely +new light; Laura could even smile at it herself. In the days that +followed, she learned, indeed, to laugh over it with Evelyn, and to +share the latter's view that she had been superior in wit to those she +had befooled. This meant a great and healthy gain in self-assurance for +Laura. It also led to her laying more and more weight on what her +friend said. For it was not as if Evelyn had a low moral standard; far +from that: she was honest and straightforward, too proud, or, it might +be, too lazy to tell a lie herself—with all the complications lying +involved—and Laura never heard her say a harder thing of anyone than +what she had just said about Mary Pidwall. +</P> + +<P> +The two talked late into every night after this, Laura perched, +monkey-fashion, on the side of her friend's bed. Evelyn had all the +accumulated wisdom of eighteen, and was able to clear her young +companion up on many points about which Laura had so far been in the +dark. But when, in time, she came to relate the mortifications she had +suffered—and was still called on to suffer—at the hands of the other +sex, Evelyn pooh-poohed the subject. +</P> + +<P> +"Time enough in a couple of years for that. Don't bother your head +about it in the meantime." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't now—not a bit. I only wanted to know why. Sometimes, Evvy, do +you know, they liked to talk to quite little kids of seven and eight +better than me." +</P> + +<P> +"Perhaps you talked too much yourself—and about yourself?" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't think I did. And if you don't talk something, they yawn and go +away." +</P> + +<P> +"You've got to let them do the lion's share, child. Just you sit still, +and listen, and pretend you like it—even though you're bored to +extinction." +</P> + +<P> +"And they never need to pretend anything, I suppose? No, I think +they're horrid. You don't like them either, Evvy, do you? ... any more +than I do?" +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn laughed. +</P> + +<P> +"Say what you think they are," persisted Laura and waggled the other's +arm, to make her speak. +</P> + +<P> +"Mostly fools," said Evelyn, and laughed again—laughed in all the +conscious power of lovely eighteen. +</P> + +<P> +Overjoyed at this oneness of mind, Laura threw her arms round her +friend's neck and kissed her. "You dear!" she said. +</P> + +<P> +And yet, a short time afterwards, it was on this very head that she had +to bear the shock of a rude awakening. +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn's people came to Melbourne that year from the Riverina. Evelyn +was allowed considerable freedom, and one night, by special permit, +Laura also accepted an invitation to dinner and the theatre. The two +girls drove to a hotel, where they found Evelyn's mother, elegant but a +little stern, and a young lady-friend. Only the four of them were +present at dinner, and the meal passed off smoothly; though the +strangeness of dining in a big hotel had the effect of tying Laura's +tongue. Another thing that abashed her was the dress of the young lady, +who sat opposite. This person—she must have been about the ripe age of +twenty-five—was nipped into a tight little pink satin bodice, which, +at the back, exposed the whole of two very bony shoulder-blades. But it +was the front of the dress that Laura faced; and, having imbibed strict +views of propriety from Mother, she wriggled on her chair whenever she +raised her eyes. +</P> + +<P> +They drove to the theatre—though it was only a few doors off. The +seats were in the dress circle. The ladies sat in the front row, the +girls, who were in high frocks, behind. +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn made a face of laughing discontent. "It's so ridiculous the +mater won't let me dress." +</P> + +<P> +These words gave Laura a kind of stab. "Oh Evvy, I think you're EVER so +much nicer as you are," she whispered, and squeezed her friend's hand. +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn could not answer, for the lady in pink had leant back and tapped +her with her fan. "It doesn't look as if Jim were coming, my dear." +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn laughed, in a peculiar way. "Oh, I guess he'll turn up all +right." +</P> + +<P> +There had been some question of a person of this name at dinner; but +Laura had paid no great heed to what was said. Now, she sat up sharply, +for Evelyn exclaimed: "There he is!" +</P> + +<P> +It was a man, a real man—not a boy—with a drooping, fair moustache, a +single eyeglass in one eye, and a camellia-bud in his buttonhole. For +the space of a breathless second Laura connected him with the pink +satin; then he dropped into a vacant seat at Evelyn's side. +</P> + +<P> +From this moment on, Laura's pleasure in her expensive seat, in the +pretty blue theatre and its movable roof, in the gay trickeries of the +MIKADO, slowly fizzled out. Evelyn had no more thought for her. Now and +then, it is true, she would turn in her affectionate way and ask Laura +if she were all right just as one satisfies oneself that a little child +is happy—but her real attention was for the man at her side. In the +intervals, the two kept up a perpetual buzz of chat, broken only by +Evelyn's low laughs. Laura sat neglected, sat stiff and cold with +disappointment, a great bitterness welling up within her. Before the +performance had dragged to an end, she would have liked to put her head +down and cry. +</P> + +<P> +"Tired?" queried Evelyn noticing her pinched look, as they drove home +in the wagonette. But the mother was there, too, so Laura said no. +</P> + +<P> +Directly, however, the bedroom door shut behind them, she fell into a +tantrum, a fit of sullen rage, which she accentuated till Evelyn could +not but notice it. +</P> + +<P> +"What's the matter with you? Didn't you enjoy yourself?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, I hated it," returned Laura passionately. +</P> + +<P> +Evelyn laughed a little at this, but with an air of humorous dismay. "I +must take care, then, not to ask you out again." +</P> + +<P> +"I wouldn't go. Not for anything!" +</P> + +<P> +"What on earth's the matter with you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nothing's the matter." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, if that's all, make haste and get into bed. You're overtired." +</P> + +<P> +"Go to bed yourself!" +</P> + +<P> +"I am, as fast as I can. I can hardly keep my eyes open;" and Evelyn +yawned heartily. +</P> + +<P> +When Laura saw that she meant it, she burst out: "You're nothing but a +story-teller—that's what you are! You said you didn't like them ... +that they were mostly fools ... and then ... then, to go on as you did +to-night." Her voice was shaky with tears. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, that's it, is it? Come now, get to bed. We'll talk about it in the +morning." +</P> + +<P> +"I never want to speak to you again." +</P> + +<P> +"You're a silly child. But I'm really too sleepy to quarrel with you +to-night." +</P> + +<P> +"I hate you—hate you!" +</P> + +<P> +"I shall survive it." +</P> + +<P> +She turned out the light as she spoke, settled herself on her pillow, +and composedly went to sleep. +</P> + +<P> +Laura's rage redoubled. Throwing herself on the floor she burst into +angry tears, and cried as loudly as she dared, in the hope of keeping +her companion awake. But Evelyn was a magnificent sleeper; and remained +undisturbed. So after a time Laura rose, drew up the blind, opened the +window and sat down on the sill. +</P> + +<P> +It was a bitterly cold night, of milky-white moonlight; each bush and +shrub carved its jet-black shadow on paths and grass. Across Evelyn's +bed fell a great patch of light: this, or the chill air would, it was +to be trusted, wake her. Meanwhile Laura sat in her thin nightgown and +shivered, feeling the cold intensely after the great heat of the day. +She hoped with all her heart that she would be lucky enough to get an +inflammation of the lungs. Then, Evelyn would be sorry she had been so +cruel to her. +</P> + +<P> +It was nearly two o'clock, and she had several times found herself +nodding, when the sleeper suddenly opened her eyes and sat bolt upright +in bed. +</P> + +<P> +"Laura, good heavens, what are you doing at the window? Oh, you wicked +child, you'll catch your death of cold! Get into bed at once." +</P> + +<P> +And, the culprit still maintaining an immovable silence, Evelyn dragged +her to bed by main force, and tucked her in as tightly as a mummy. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap23"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXIII. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +GUT UND BOSE UND LUST UND LEID UND ICH UND DU. +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +"Laura, you're a cipher!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm nothing of the sort!" threw back Laura indignantly. "You're one +yourself.—What does she mean, Evvy?" she asked getting out of earshot +of the speaker. +</P> + +<P> +"Goodness knows. Don't mind her, Poppet." +</P> + +<P> +It was an oppressive evening: all day long a hot north wind had scoured +the streets, veiling things and people in clouds of gritty dust; the +sky was still like the prolonged reflection of a great fire. The +hoped-for change had not come, and the girls who strolled the paths of +the garden were white and listless. They walked in couples, with +interlaced arms; and members of the Matriculation Class carried books +with them, the present year being one of much struggling and +heartburning, and few leisured moments. Mary Pidwall and Cupid were +together under an acacia tree at the gate of the tennis-court; and it +was M. P. who had cast the above gibe at Laura. At least Laura took it +as a gibe, and scowled darkly; for she could never grow hardened to +ridicule. +</P> + +<P> +As she and Evelyn re-passed this spot in their perambulation, a merry +little lump of a girl called Lolo, who darted her head from side to +side when she spoke, with the movements of a watchful bird—this +[P.241] Lolo called: "Evelyn, come here, I want to tell you something." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, what is it?" asked Evelyn, but without obeying the summons; for +she felt Laura's grip of her arm tighten. +</P> + +<P> +"It's a secret. You must come over here." +</P> + +<P> +"Hold on a minute, Poppet," said Evelyn persuasively, and crossed the +lawn with her characteristically lazy saunter. Minutes went by; she did +not return. +</P> + +<P> +"Look at her Laura-ship!" said a saucebox to her partner. The latter +made "Hee-haw, hee-haw!" and both laughed derisively. +</P> + +<P> +The object of their scorn stood at the farther end of the wire-net +fence: all five fingers of her right hand were thrust through the holes +of the netting, and held oddly and unconsciously outspread; she stood +on one leg, and with her other foot rubbed up and down behind her +ankle; mouth and brow were sullen, her black eyes bent wrathfully on +her faithless friend. +</P> + +<P> +"A regular moon-calf!" said Cupid, looking up from THE TEMPEST, which +was balanced breast-high on the narrow wooden top of the fence. +</P> + +<P> +"Mark my words, that child'll be plucked in her 'tests'," observed M. P. +</P> + +<P> +"Serve her right, say I, for playing the billy-ass," returned Cupid, +and killed a giant mosquito with such a whack that her wrist was +stained with its blood. "Ugh, you brute! ... gorging yourself on me. +But I'm dashed if I know how Evelyn can be bothered to have her always +dangling round." +</P> + +<P> +"She's a cipher," repeated Mary, in so judicial a tone that it closed +the conversation. +</P> + +<P> +Laura, not altogether blind to externals, saw that her companions made +fun of her. But at the present pass, the strength of her feelings quite +out-ran her capacity for self-control; she was unable to disguise what +she felt, and though it made her the laughing-stock of the school. What +scheme was the birdlike Lolo hatching against her? Why did Evelyn not +come back?—these were the thoughts that buzzed round inside her head, +as the mosquitoes buzzed outside.—And meanwhile the familiar, foolish +noises of the garden at evening knocked at her ear. On the other side +of the hedge a batch of third-form girls were whispering, with choked +laughter, a doggerel rhyme which was hard to say, and which meant +something quite different did the tongue trip over a certain letter. Of +two girls who were playing tennis in half-hearted fashion, the one next +Laura said 'Oh, damn!' every time she missed a ball. And over the +parched, dusty grass the hot wind blew, carrying with it, from the +kitchens, a smell of cabbage, of fried onions, of greasy dish-water. +</P> + +<P> +Then Evelyn returned, and a part, a part only of the cloud lifted from +Laura's brow. +</P> + +<P> +"What did she want?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, nothing much." +</P> + +<P> +"Then you're not going to tell me?" +</P> + +<P> +I can't. +</P> + +<P> +"What business has she to have secrets with you?" said Laura furiously. +And for a full round of the garden she did not open her lips. +</P> + +<P> +Her companions were not alone in eyeing this lopsided friendship with +an amused curiosity. The governesses also smiled at it, and were +surprised at Evelyn's endurance of the tyranny into which Laura's +liking had degenerated. On this particular evening, two who were +sitting on the verandah-bench came back to the subject. +</P> + +<P> +"Just look at that Laura Rambotham again, will you?" said Miss +Snodgrass in her tart way. "Sulking for all she's worth. What a little +fool she is!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sure I wonder Mrs. Gurley hasn't noticed how badly she's working +just now," said Miss Chapman; and her face wore it best-meaning, but +most uncertain smile. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, you know very well if Mrs. Gurley doesn't want to see a thing she +doesn't," retorted Miss Snodgrass. "A regular talent for going blind, I +call it—especially where Evelyn Souttar's concerned." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I don't think you should talk like that," urged Miss Chapman +nervously. +</P> + +<P> +"I say what I think," asserted Miss Snodgrass. "And if I had my way, +I'd give Laura Rambotham something she wouldn't forget. That child'll +come to a bad end yet.—How do you like that colour, Miss C.?" She had +a nest of cloth-patterns in her lap, and held one up as she spoke. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, you shouldn't say such things," remonstrated Miss Chapman. +"There's many a true word said in jest." She settled her glasses on her +nose. "It's very nice, but I think I like a bottle-green better." +</P> + +<P> +"Of course, I don't mean she'll end on the gallows, if that's what +troubles you. But she's frightfully unbalanced, and, to my mind, ought +to have some sense knocked into her before it's too late.—That's a +better shade, isn't it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Poor little Laura," said Miss Chapman, and drew a sigh. "Yes, I like +that. Where did you say you were going to have the dress made?" +</P> + +<P> +Miss Snodgrass named, not without pride, one of the first warehouses in +the city. "I've been saving up my screw for it, and I mean to have +something decent this time. Besides, I know one of the men in the shop, +and I'm going to make them do it cheap." And here they fell to +discussing price and cut. +</P> + +<P> +Thus the onlookers laughed and quizzed and wondered; no one was bold +enough to put an open question to Evelyn, and Evelyn did not offer to +take anyone into her confidence. She held even hints and allusions at +bay, with her honeyed laugh; which was HER shield against the world. +Laura was the only person who ever got behind this laugh, and what she +discovered there, she did not tell. As it was, varying motives were +suggested for Evelyn's long-suffering, nobody being ready to believe +that it could really be fondness, on her part, for the Byronic atom of +humanity she had attracted to her. +</P> + +<P> +However that might be, the two girls, the big fair one and the little +dark one, were, outside class-hours, seldom apart. Evelyn did not +often, as in the case of the birdlike Lolo, give her young tyrant cause +for offence; if she sometimes sought another's company, it was done in +a roguish spirit—from a feminine desire to tease. Perhaps, too, she +was at heart not averse to Laura's tantrums, or to testing her own +power in quelling them. On the whole, though, she was very careful of +her little friend's sensitive spots. She did not repeat the experiment +of taking Laura out with her; as her stay at school drew to a close she +went out less frequently herself; for the reason that, no matter how +late it was on her getting back, she would find Laura obstinately +sitting up in bed, wide-awake. And it went against the grain in her to +keep the pale-faced girl from sleep. +</P> + +<P> +On such occasions, while she undid her pretty muslin dress, unpinned +the flowers she was never without, and loosened her gold-brown hair, +which she had put up for the evening: while she undressed, Evelyn had +to submit to a rigorous cross-examination. Laura demanded to know where +she had been, what she had done, whom she had spoken to; and woe to her +if she tried to shirk a question. Laura was not only jealous, she was +extraordinarily suspicious; and the elder girl had need of all her +laughing kindness to steer her way through the shallows of distrust. +For a great doubt of Evelyn's sincerity had implanted itself in Laura's +mind: she could not forget the incident of the "mostly fools"; and, +after an evening of this kind, she never felt quite sure that Evelyn +was not deceiving her afresh out of sheer goodness of heart, of +course—by assuring her that she had had a "horrid time", been bored to +death, and would have much preferred to stay with her; when the truth +was that, in the company of some moustached idiot or other, she had +enjoyed herself to the top of her bent. +</P> + +<P> +On the night Laura learned that her friend had again met the loathly +"Jim", there was a great to-do. In vain Evelyn laughed, reasoned, +expostulated. Laura was inconsolable. +</P> + +<P> +"Look here, Poppet," said Evelyn at last, and was so much in earnest +that she laid her hairbrush down, and took Laura by both her bony +little shoulders. "Look here, you surely don't expect me to be an old +maid, do you?—ME?" The pronoun signified all she might not say: it +meant wealth, youth, beauty, and an unbounded capacity for pleasure. +</P> + +<P> +"Evvy, you're not going to MARRY that horrid man?" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course not, goosey. But that doesn't mean that I'm never going to +marry at all, does it?" +</P> + +<P> +Laura supposed not—with a tremendous sniff. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, then, what IS all the fuss about?" +</P> + +<P> +It was not so easy to say. She was of course reconciled, she sobbed, to +Evelyn marrying some day: only plain and stupid girls were left to be +old maids: but it must not happen for years and years and years to +come, and when it did, it must be to some one much older than herself, +some one she did not greatly care for: in short, Evelyn was to marry +only to escape the odium of the single life. +</P> + +<P> +Having drawn this sketch of her future word by word from the weeping +Laura, Evelyn fell into a fit of laughter which she could not stifle. +"Well, Poppet," she said when she could speak, "if that's your idea of +happiness for me, we'll postpone it just as long as ever we can. I'm +all there. For I mean to have a good time first—a jolly good +time—before I tie myself up for ever, world without end, amen." +</P> + +<P> +"That's just what I hate so—your good time, as you call it," retorted +Laura, smarting under the laughter. +</P> + +<P> +"Everyone does, child. You'll be after it yourself when you're a little +older." +</P> + +<P> +"Me?—never!" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes, indeed you will." +</P> + +<P> +"I won't. I hate men and I always shall. And oh, I thought"—with an +upward, sobbing breath—"I thought you liked me best." +</P> + +<P> +"Of course I like you, you silly child! But that's altogether +different. And I don't like you any less because I enjoy having some +fun with them, too." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't want your old leavings!" said Laura savagely. It hurt, almost +as much as having a tooth pulled out, did this knowledge that your +friend's affection was wholly yours only as long as no man was in +question. And out of the sting, Laura added: "Wait till I'm grown up, +and I'll show them what I think of them—the pigs!" +</P> + +<P> +This time Evelyn had to hold her hand in front of her mouth. "No, no, I +don't mean to laugh at you. Come, be good now," she petted. "And you +really must go to bed, Laura. It's past twelve o'clock, and that +infernal machine'll be going off before you've had any sleep at all." +</P> + +<P> +The "machine" was Laura's alarum, which ran down every night just now +at two o'clock. For, if one thing was sure, it was that affairs with +Laura were in a sorry muddle. In this, the last and most momentous year +of her school life, at the close of which, like a steep wall to be +scaled, rose the university examination, she was behindhand with her +work, and occupied a mediocre place in her class. So steadfastly was +her attention pitched on Evelyn that she could link it to nothing else: +in the middle of an important task, her thoughts would stray to +contemplate her friend or wonder what she was doing; while, if Evelyn +were out for the evening, Laura gave up her meagre pretence of study +altogether, and moodily propped her head in her hand. This was why she +had hit on the small hours for the necessary cramming; then, there were +no distractions: the great house was as still as an empty church; and +Evelyn lay safe and sound before her. So, punctually at two o'clock +Laura was startled, with a pounding heart, out of her first sleep; and +lighting the gas she sat up in bed and pored over her books. Evelyn was +not disturbed by the light, or at least she did not complain; and it +was certainly a famous time for committing things to memory: the +subsequent hours of sleep seemed rather to etch the facts into your +brain than to blur them. +</P> + +<P> +You cannot however rob Peter to pay Paul, with impunity, and in the +weeks that followed, despite her nightly industry, Laura made no +headway. +</P> + +<P> +As the term tapered to an end, things went from bad to worse with her; +and since, besides, the parting with Evelyn was at the door, she was +often to be seen with red-rimmed eyelids, which she did not even try to +conceal. +</P> + +<P> +"As if she'd lost her nearest relation!" laughed her school-fellows. +And did they meet her privately, on the stairs or in a house-corridor, +they crossed their hands on their breasts and turned up their eyes, in +tragedy-fashion. +</P> + +<P> +Laura hardly saw them; for once in her life ridicule could not have +her. The nearer the time drew, the more completely did the coming loss +of Evelyn push other considerations into the background. It was bitter +to reflect that her present dear friendship had no more strength to +endure than the thin pretences of friendship she had hitherto played +at. Evelyn and she would, no doubt, from time to time meet and take +pleasure in each other again; but their homes lay hundreds of miles +apart; and the intimacy of the schooldays was passing away, never to +return. And no one could be held to blame for this. Evelyn's mother and +father thought, rightly enough, that it was time for their daughter to +leave school—but that was all. They did not really miss her, or need +her. No, it was just a stupid, crushing piece of ill-luck, which +happened one did not know why. The ready rebel in Laura sprang into +being again; and she fought hard against the lesson that there are +events in life—bitter, grim, and grotesque events—beneath which one +can only bow one's head.—A further effect of the approaching +separation was to bring home to her a sense of the fleetingness of +things; she began to grasp that, everywhere and always, even while you +revelled in them, things were perpetually rushing to a close; and the +fact of them being things you loved, or enjoyed, was powerless to +diminish the speed at which they escaped you. +</P> + +<P> +Of course, though, these were sensations rather than thoughts; and they +did not hinder Laura from going on her knees to Evelyn, to implore her +to remain. Day after day Evelyn kindly and patiently explained why this +could not be; and if she sometimes drew a sigh at the child's +persistence, it was too faint to be audible. Now Laura knew that it was +possible to kill animal-pets by surfeiting them; and, towards the end, +a suspicion dawned on her that you might perhaps damage feelings in the +same way. It stood to reason: no matter how fond two people were of +each other, the one who was about to emerge, like a butterfly from its +sheath, could not be asked to regret her release; and, at moments—when +Laura lay sobbing face downwards on her bed, or otherwise vented her +pertinacious and disruly grief—at these moments she thought she +scented a dash of relief in Evelyn, at the prospect of deliverance. +</P> + +<P> +But such delicate hints on the part of the hidden self are rarely able +to gain a hearing; and, as the days dropped off one by one, like +over-ripe fruit, Laura surrendered herself more and more blindly to her +emotions. The consequence was, M. P.'s prediction came true: in the +test-examinations which took place at midwinter, Laura, together with +the few dunces of her class, was ignominiously plucked. And still +staggering under this blow, she had to kiss Evelyn good-bye, and to set +her face for home. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap24"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXIV. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +WAS MICH NICHT UMBRINGT, MACHT MICH STARKER. +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +Mother did not know or understand anything about "tests"; and Laura had +no idea of enlightening her. She held her peace, and throughout the +holidays hugged her disgraceful secret to her, untold. She had never +before failed to pass an examination, having always lightly skimmed the +surface of them on the wings of her parrot-like memory; hence, at home +no one suspected that anything was amiss with her. The knowledge +weighed the more heavily on her own mind. And, as if her other troubles +were not enough, she was now beset by nervous fears about the future. +She saw chiefly rocks ahead. If she did not succeed in getting through +the final examination in summer, she would not be allowed to present +herself for matriculation, and, did this happen, there would be the +very devil to pay. All her schooling would, in Mother's eyes, have been +for naught. For Mother was one of those people who laid tremendous +weight on prizes and examinations, as offering a tangible proof that +your time had not been wasted or misspent. Besides this, she could not +afford in the event of a failure, to pay the school-fees for another +year. The money which, by hook and by crook, had been scraped together +and hoarded up for Laura's education was now coming to an end; as it +was, the next six months would mean a terrible pinching and screwing. +The other children, too, were growing day by day more costly; their +little minds and bodies clamoured for a larger share of attention. And +Laura's eyes were rudely opened to the struggle Mother had had to make +both ends meet, while her first-born was acquiring wisdom; for Mother +spoke of it herself, spoke openly of her means and resources, perhaps +with some idea of rousing in Laura a gratitude that had so far been +dormant. +</P> + +<P> +If this was her intention she failed. Laura was much too fast entangled +in her own troubles, to have leisure for such a costly feeling as +gratitude; and Mother's outspokenness only added a fresh weight to her +pack. It seemed as if everybody and everything were ranged against her; +and guilty, careworn, lonely, she shrank into her shell. About school +affairs she again kept her lips shut, enduring, like a stubborn martyr, +the epithets "close" and "deceitful" this reticence earned her. Her +time was spent in writing endless, scrawly letters to Evelyn, which +covered days; in sitting moodily at the top of the fir tree which she +climbed in defiance of her length of petticoat glaring at sunsets, and +brooding on dead delights; in taking long, solitary, evening walks, by +choice on the heel of a thunderstorm, when the red earth was riddled by +creeklets of running water; till Mother, haunted by a lively fear of +encounters with "swags" or Chinamen, put her foot down and forbade them. +</P> + +<P> +Sufferers are seldom sweet-tempered; and Laura formed no exception. +Pin, her most frequent companion, had to bear the brunt of her +acrimony: hence the two were soon at war again. For Pin was tactless, +and took small heed of her sister's grumpy moods, save to cavil at +them. Laura's buttoned-upness, for instance, and her love of solitude, +were perverse leanings to Pin's mind; and she spoke out against them +with the assurance of one who has public opinion at his back. Laura +retaliated by falling foul of little personal traits in Pin: a nervous +habit she had of clearing her throat—her very walk. They quarrelled +passionately, having branched as far apart as the end-points of what is +ultimately to be a triangle, between which the connecting lines have +not yet been drawn. +</P> + +<P> +Sometimes they even came to blows. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll fetch your ma to you—that I will!" threatened Sarah, called by +the noise of the scuffle. "Great girls like you—fightin' like +bandicoots! You ought to be downright ashamed o' yourselves." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know what's come over you two, I'm sure," scolded Mother, when +the combatants had been parted and brought before her in the kitchen, +where she was rolling pastry. "You never used to go on like this.—Pin, +stop that noise. Do you want to deafen me?" +</P> + +<P> +"She hit me first," sobbed Pin. "It's always Laura who begins." +</P> + +<P> +"I'll teach her to cheek me like that!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, all I can say is," said Mother exasperated, and pushed a lock of +hair off her perspiring forehead with the back of her hand. "All I say +is, big girls as you are, you deserve to have the nonsense whipped out +of you.—As for you, Laura, if this is your only return for all the +money I've spent on you, then I wish from my heart you'd never seen the +inside of that Melbourne school." +</P> + +<P> +"How pretty your eyes look, mother, when your eyelashes get floury!" +said Laura, struck by the vivid contrast of black and white. She merely +stated the fact, without intent to flatter, her anger being given to +puffing out as suddenly as it kindled. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, get along with you!" said Mother, at the same time skilfully +lifting and turning a large, thin sheet of paste. "You can't get round +ME like that." +</P> + +<P> +"You used to have nice, ladylike manners," she said on another +occasion, when Laura, summoned to the drawingroom to see a visitor, had +in Mother's eyes disgraced them both. "Now, you've no more idea how to +behave than a country bumpkin. You sit there, like a stock or a stone, +as if you didn't know how to open your mouth."—Mother was very cross. +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't want to see that old frump anyhow," retorted Laura, who +inclined to charge the inhabitants of the township with an extreme +provinciality. "And what else was there to say, but yes or no? She +asked me all things I didn't know anything about. You don't want me to +tell stories, I suppose?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, if a child of mine doesn't know the difference between being +polite and telling stories," said Mother, completely outraged, "then, +all I can say is, it's a ... a great shame!" she wound up lamely, after +the fashion of hot-tempered people who begin a sentence without being +clear how they are going to end it.—"You were a nice enough child +once. If only I'd never let you leave home." +</P> + +<P> +This jeremiad was repeated by Mother and chorused by the rest till +Laura grew incensed. She was roused to defend her present self, at the +cost of her past perfections; and this gave rise to new dissensions. +</P> + +<P> +So that in spite of what she had to face at school, she was not +altogether sorry, when the time came, to turn her back on her unknowing +and hence unsympathetic relations. She journeyed to Melbourne on one of +those pleasant winter days when the sun shines from morning till night +in a cloudless sky, and the chief mark of the season is the +extraordinary greenness of the grass; returned a pale, determined, +lanky girl, full of the grimmest resolutions. +</P> + +<P> +The first few days were like a bad dream. The absence of Evelyn came +home to her in all its crushing force. A gap yawned drearily where +Evelyn had been—but then, she had been everywhere. There was now a +kind of emptiness about the great school—except for memories, which +cropped up at each turn. Laura was in a strange room, with strange, +indifferent girls; and for a time she felt as lonely as she had done in +those unthinkable days when she was still the poor little green "new +chum". +</P> + +<P> +Her companions were not wilfully unkind to her—her last extravagance +had been foolish, not criminal—and two or three were even sorry for +the woebegone figure she cut. But her idolatrous attachment to Evelyn +had been the means of again drawing round her one of those magic +circles, which held her schoolfellows at a distance. And the aroma of +her eccentricity still clung to her. The members of her class were deep +in study, too; little was now thought or spoken of but the approaching +examinations. And her first grief over, Laura set her teeth and flung +herself on her lessons like a dog on a bone, endeavouring to pack the +conscientious work of twelve months into less than six. +</P> + +<P> +The days were feverish with energy. But at night the loneliness +returned, and was only the more intense because, for some hours on end, +she had been able to forget it. +</P> + +<P> +On one such night when she lay wakeful, haunted by the prospect of +failure, she turned over the leaves of her Bible—she had been +memorising her weekly portion—and read, not as a school-task, but for +herself. By chance she lighted on the Fourteenth Chapter of St John, +and the familiar, honey-sweet words fell on her heart like caresses. +Her tears flowed; both at the beauty of the language and out of pity +for herself; and before she closed the Book, she knew that she had +found a well of comfort that would never run dry. +</P> + +<P> +In spite of a certain flabbiness in its outward expression, deep down +in Laura the supreme faith of childhood still dwelt intact: she +believed, with her whole heart, in the existence of an all-knowing God, +and just as implicitly in His perfect power to succour His human +children at will. But thus far on her way she had not greatly needed +Him: at the most, she had had recourse to Him for forgiveness of sin. +Now, however, the sudden withdrawal of a warm, human sympathy seemed to +open up a new use for Him. An aching void was in her and about her; it +was for Him to fill this void with the riches of His love.—And she +comforted herself for her previous lack of warmth, by the reminder that +His need also was chiefly of the heavy-laden and oppressed. +</P> + +<P> +In the spurt of intense religious fervour that now set in for her, it +was to Christ she turned by preference, rather than to the remoter God +the Father. For of the latter she carried a kind of Michelangelesque +picture in her brain: that of an old, old man with a flowing grey +beard, who sat, Turk-fashion, one hand plucking at this beard, the +other lying negligently across His knees. Christ, on the contrary, was +a young man, kindly of face, and full of tender invitation. +</P> + +<P> +To this younger, tenderer God, she proffered long and glowing prayers, +which vied with one another in devoutness. Soon she felt herself led by +Him, felt herself a favourite lying on His breast; and, as the days +went by, her ardour so increased that she could not longer consume the +smoke of her own fire: it overspread her daily life—to the renewed +embarrassment of her schoolfellows. Was it then impossible, they asked +themselves, for Laura Rambotham to do anything in a decorous and +ladylike way. Must she at every step put them out of countenance? It +was not respectable to be so fervent. Religion, felt they, should be +practised with modesty; be worn like an indispensable but private +garment. Whereas she committed the gross error in taste of, as it were, +parading it outside her other clothes. +</P> + +<P> +Laura, her thoughts turned heavenwards, did not look low enough to +detect the distaste in her comrades' eyes. The farther she spun herself +into her intimacy with the Deity, the more indifferent did she grow to +the people and things of this world. +</P> + +<P> +Weeks passed. Her feelings, in the beginning a mere blissful certainty +that God was Love and she was God's, ceased to be wholly passive. Thus, +her first satisfaction at her supposed election was soon ousted by +self-righteousness, did she contemplate her unremitting devotion. And +one night, when her own eloquence at prayer had brought the moisture to +her eyes—one night the inspiration fell. Throughout these weeks, she +had faithfully worshipped God without asking so much as a pin's head +from Him in return; she had given freely; all she had, had been His. +Now the time had surely come when she might claim to be rewarded. Now +it was for Him to show that He had appreciated her homage.—Oh, it was +so easy a thing for Him to help her, if He would ... if He only would! +</P> + +<P> +Pressing her fingers to her eyeballs till the starry blindness was +effected that induces ecstasy, she prostrated herself before the +mercy-seat, not omitting, at this crisis, to conciliate the Almighty by +laying stress on her own exceeding unworthiness. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, dear Lord Jesus, have mercy upon me, miserable sinner! Oh, Christ, +I ask Thy humble pardon! For I have been weak, Lord, and have forgotten +to serve Thy Holy Name. My thoughts have erred and strayed like ... +like lost sheep. But loved Thee, Jesus, all the time, my heart seemed +full as it would hold ... no, I didn't mean to say that. But I was not +ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on. But now, dear +Jesus, if Thou wilt only grant me my desire, I will never forget Thee +or be false to Thee again. I will love Thee and serve Thee, all the +days of my life, till death us do ... I mean, only let me pass my +examinations, Lord, and there is nothing I will not do for Thee in +return. Oh, dear Lord Jesus, Son of Mary, hear my prayer, and I will +worship Thee and adore Thee, and never forget Thee, and that Thou hast +died to save me! Grant me this my prayer, Lord, for Christ's sake, +Amen." +</P> + +<P> +It came to this: Laura made a kind of pact with God, in which His aid +at the present juncture guaranteed her continued, unswerving allegiance. +</P> + +<P> +The idea once lodged in her mind, she wrestled with Him night after +night, filling His ears with her petitions, and remaining on her knees +for such an immoderate length of time that her room-mates, who were +sleepy, openly expressed their impatience. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, draw it mild, Laura!" said the girl in the neighbouring bed, when +it began to seem as if the supplicant would never rise to her feet +again. "Leave something to ask Him to-morrow." +</P> + +<P> +But Laura, knowing very well that the Lord our God is a jealous God, +was mindful not to scrimp in lip-service, or to shirk the minutest +ceremony by means of which He might be propitiated and won over. Her +prayers of greeting and farewell, on entering and leaving church, were +drawn out beyond anyone else's; she did not doze or dream over a single +clause of the Litany, with its hypnotising refrain; and she not only +made the sign of the Cross at the appropriate place in the Creed, but +also privately at every mention of Christ's name. +</P> + +<P> +Meanwhile, of course, she worked at her lessons with unflagging zeal, +for it was by no means her intention to throw the whole onus of her +success on the Divine shoulders. She overworked; and on one occasion +had a distressing lapse of memory. +</P> + +<P> +And at length spring was gone and summer come, and the momentous week +arrived on which her future depended. Now, though, she was not alone in +her trepidation. The eyes of even the surest members of the form had a +steely glint in them, and mouths were hard. Dr. Pughson's papers were +said to be far more formidable than the public examination: if you got +happily through these, you were safe. +</P> + +<P> +Six subjects were compulsory; high-steppers took nine. Laura was one of +those with eight, and since her two obligatory mathematics were not to +be relied on, she could not afford to fail in a single subject. +</P> + +<P> +In the beginning, things, with the exception of numbers, went pretty +well with her. Then came the final day, and with it the examination in +history. Up to the present year Laura had cut a dash in history; now +her brain was muddled, her memory overtaxed, by her having had to cram +the whole of Green's HISTORY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE in a few months, +besides a large dose of GREECE and ROME. Reports ran of the +exceptionally "catchy" nature of Dr Pughson's questions; and Laura's +prayer, the night before, was more like a threat than a supplication. +The class had only just entered the Headmaster's room on the eventful +morning, and begun to choose desks, when there came a summons to Laura +to take a music-lesson. This was outside consideration, and Dr Pughson +made short work of the intruder—a red-haired little girl, who blushed +meekly and unbecomingly, and withdrew. Here, however, Laura rose and +declared that, under these circumstances, some explanation was due to +Monsieur Boehmer, the music-master, to-day's lesson being in fact a +rehearsal for the annual concert. +</P> + +<P> +Dr Pughson raised his red-rimmed eyes from his desk and looked very +fierce. +</P> + +<P> +"Tch, tch, tch!" he snapped, in the genial Irish fashion that made him +dreaded and adored. "How like a woman that is! Playing at concerts when +she can't add two and two together!—Your arithmetic paper's fit for +PUNCH, Miss Rambotham." +</P> + +<P> +The smile he looked for went round. +</P> + +<P> +"Have you seen the questions?—no? Well, give them here then. You've +got to go, I suppose, or we might deprive the concert of your shining +light.—Hurry back, now. Stir your stumps!" +</P> + +<P> +But this Laura had no intention of doing. In handling the printed slip, +her lagging eye had caught the last and most vital question: "Give a +full account of Oliver Cromwell's Foreign Policy."—And she did not +know it! She dragged out her interview with the music-master, put +questions wide of the point, insisted on lingering till he had arranged +another hour for the postponed rehearsal; and, as she walked, as she +talked, as she listened to Monsieur Boehmer's ridiculous English, she +strove in vain to recall jot or tittle of Oliver's relations to foreign +powers.—Oh, for just a peep at the particular page of Green! For, if +once she got her cue, she believed she could go on. +</P> + +<P> +The dining-hall was empty when she went through it on her way back to +the classroom: her history looked lovingly at her from its place on the +shelf. But she did not dare to go over to it, take it out, and turn up +the passage: that was too risky. What she did do, however, when she had +almost reached the door, was to dash back, pull out a synopsis—[P.262] +a slender, medium-sized volume—and hastily and clumsily button this +inside the bodice of her dress. The square, board-like appearance it +gave her figure, where it projected beyond the sides of her apron, she +concealed by hunching her shoulders. +</P> + +<P> +Her lightning plan was, to enter a cloakroom, snatch a hurried peep at +Oliver's confounded policy, then hide the book somewhere till the +examination was over. But on emerging from the dining-hall she all but +collided with the secretary, who had come noiselessly across the +verandah; and she was so overcome by the thought of the danger she had +run, and by Miss Blount's extreme surprise at Dr Pughson's leniency, +that she allowed herself to be driven back to the examination-room +without a word. +</P> + +<P> +The girls were hard at it; they scarcely glanced up when she opened the +door. From her friends' looks, she could judge of the success they were +having. Cupid, for instance, was smirking to herself in the peculiar +fashion that meant satisfaction; M. P.'s cheeks were the colour of +monthly roses. And soon Laura, crouching low to cover her deformity, +was at work like the rest. +</P> + +<P> +Had only Oliver Cromwell never been born!—thus she reflected, when she +had got the easier part of the paper behind her. Why could it not have +been a question about Bourke and Wills, or the Eureka Stockade, or the +voyages of Captain Cook? ... something about one's own country, that +one had heard hundreds of times and was really interested in. Or a big, +arresting thing like the Retreat of the Ten Thousand, or Hannibal's +March over the Alps? Who cared for old Oliver, and his shorn head, and +his contempt for baubles! What did it matter now to anyone what his +attitude had been, more than two hundred years ago, to all those +far-away, dream-like countries? ... Desperately she pressed her hand to +her eyes. She knew the very page of Green on which Cromwell's foreign +relations were set forth; knew where the paragraph began, near the foot +of the page: what she could not get hold of was the opening sentence +that would have set her mechanical memory a-rolling. +</P> + +<P> +The two hours drew steadily to a close. About half an hour beforehand +the weakest candidates began to rise, to hand in their papers and leave +the room; but it was not till ten minutes to twelve that the "crack" +girls stopped writing. Laura was to be allowed an extra twenty minutes, +and it was on this she relied. At last, she was alone with the master. +But though he was already dipping into the examination-papers, he was +not safe. She had unbuttoned two buttons and was at a third, when he +looked up so unexpectedly that she was scared out of her senses, and +fastened her dress again with all the haste she could. Three or four of +the precious minutes were lost. +</P> + +<P> +At this point, the door opened and Mr. Strachey strode into the room. +Dr Pughson blinked up from the stacks of papers, rose, and the two +spoke in low tones. Then, with a glance at Laura, they went together to +the door, which Dr Pughson held to behind him, and stood just over the +threshold. As they warmed to their talk, the master let the door slip +into the latch. +</P> + +<P> +Laura could see them from where she sat, without being seen. A moment +later they moved stealthily away, going down the verandah in the +direction of the office. +</P> + +<P> +Now for it! With palsied hands she undid her bodice, clutched at the +book, forced her blurred eyes to find the page, and ran them over it. A +brief survey: five or six heads to remember: a few dates. Flapped to +again; tucked under her apron; shoved into her bosom. +</P> + +<P> +And not a second too soon. There he came, hurrying back. And three +buttons were still undone. But Laura's head was bent over her desk: +though her heart was pummelling her ribs, her pen now ran like +lightning; and by the time the order to stop was given, she had covered +the requisite number of sheets. Afterwards she had adroitly to rid +herself of the book, then to take part—a rather pale-eyed, distracted +part—in the lively technical discussions that ensued; when each +candidate was as long-winded on the theme of her success, or +non-success, as a card-player on his hand at the end of a round. +Directly she could make good her escape, she pleaded a headache, +climbed to her bedroom and stretched herself flat on her bed. She was +through—but at what a cost! She felt quite sore. Her very bones seemed +to hurt her. +</P> + +<P> +Not till she was thoroughly rested, and till she had assured herself +that all risk attaching to the incident was over, did she come to +reflect on the part God had played in the business. And then, it must +be admitted, she found it a sorry one. Just at first, indeed, her +limpid faith was shocked into a reluctance to believe that He had +helped her at all: His manner of doing it would have been so +inexpressibly mean. But, little by little, she dug deeper, and +eventually she reached the [P.265] conclusion that He had given her the +option of this way, throwing it open to her and then standing back and +watching to see what she would do, without so much as raising an eyelid +to influence her decision. In fact, the more she pondered over it, the +more inclined she grew to think that it had been a kind of snare on the +part of God, to trap her afresh into sin, and thus to prolong her +dependence on Him after her crying need was past. But, if this were +true, if He had done this, then He must LIKE people to remain miserable +sinners, so that He might have them always crawling to His feet. And +from this view of the case her ingenuous young mind shrank appalled. +She could not go on loving and worshipping a God who was capable of +double dealing; who could behave in such a "mean, Jewy fashion". Nor +would she ever forget His having forced her to endure the moments of +torture she had come through that day. +</P> + +<P> +Lying on her bed, she grappled with these thoughts. A feeling of deep +resentment was their abiding result. Whatever His aim, it had been past +expression pitiless of Him, Him who had at His command thousands of +pleasanter ways in which to help her, thus to drive a poor unhappy girl +to extremities: one, too, whose petition had not been prompted by +selfish ends alone. What she had implored of Him touched Mother even +more nearly than herself: her part prayer to Him had been to save +Mother—whose happiness depended on things like examinations—from a +bitter disappointment. That much at least He had done—she would give +Him His due—but at the expense of her entire self-respect. Oh, He must +have a cold, calculating heart ... could one only see right down into +it. The tale of His clemency and compassion, which the Bible told, was +not to be interpreted literally: when one came to think of it, had He +ever—outside the Bible—been known to stoop from His judgment-seat, +and lovingly and kindly intervene? It was her own absurd mistake: she +had taken the promises made through His Son, for gospel truth; had +thought He really meant what He said, about rewarding those who were +faithful to Him. Her companions—the companions on whom, from the +heights of her piety, she had looked pityingly down—were wiser than +she. They did not abase themselves before Him, and vow a lifelong +devotion; but neither did they make any but the most approved demands +on Him. They satisfied their consciences by paying Him lip-homage, by +confessing their sins, and by asking for a vague, far-distant mercy, to +which they attached no great importance. Hence, they never came into +fierce personal conflict with Him. Nor would she, ever again; from this +time forward, she would rival the rest in lukewarmness.—But, before +she could put this resolve into force, she had to let her first +indignation subside: only then was it possible for her to recover the +shattering of her faith, and settle down to practise religion after the +glib and shallow mode of her friends. She did not, however, say her +prayers that night, or for many a right to come; and when, at church, +Christ's name occurred in the Service, she held her head erect, and +shut the ears and eyes of her soul. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap25"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +XXV. +</H3> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +IHR LERNTET ALLE NICHT TANZEN, WIE MAN TANZEN MUSS—UBER EUCH HINWEG +TANZEN! +<BR> +NIETZSCHE +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +The school year had ebbed; the ceremonies that attended its conclusion +were over. A few days beforehand, the fifth-form boarders, under the +tutelage of a couple of governesses, drove off early in the morning to +the distant university. On the outward journey the candidates were +thoughtful and subdued; but as they returned home, in the late +afternoon, their spirits were not to be kept within seemly bounds. They +laughed, sang, and rollicked about inside the wagonette, Miss Zielinski +weakly protesting unheard—were so rowdy that the driver pushed his +cigar-stump to the corner of his mouth, to be able to smile at ease, +and flicked his old horse into a canter. For the public examination had +proved as anticipated, child's play, compared with what the class had +been through at Dr Pughson's hands; and its accompanying details were +of an agreeable nature: the weather was not too hot; the +examination-hall was light and airy; through the flung-back windows +trees and flowering shrubs looked in; the students were watched over by +a handsome Trinity man, who laid his straw hat on the desk before him. +</P> + +<P> +Then came the annual concert, at which none of the performers broke +down; Speech Day, when the body of a big hall was crowded with +relatives and friends, and when so many white, blue-beribboned frocks +were massed together on the platform, that this looked like a great bed +of blue and white flowers; and, finally, trunks were brought out from +boxrooms and strewn through the floors, and upper-form girls emptied +cupboards and drawers into them for the last time. +</P> + +<P> +On the evening before the general dispersion, Laura, Cupid, and M. P. +walked the well-known paths of the garden once again. While the two +elder girls were more loquacious than their wont, Laura was quieter. +She had never wholly recovered her humour since the day of the +history-examination; and she still could not look back, with composure, +on the jeopardy in which she had placed herself one little turn of the +wheel in the wrong direction, and the end of her schooldays would have +been shame and disgrace.—And just as her discovery of God's stratagem +had damped her religious ardour, so her antipathy to the means she had +been obliged to employ had left a feeling of enmity in her, towards the +school and everything connected with it: she had counted the hours till +she could turn her back on it altogether. None the less, now that the +time had come there was a kind of ache in her at having to say +good-bye; for it was in her nature to let go unwillingly of things, +places and people once known. Besides, glad as she felt to have done +with learning, she was unclear what was to come next. The idea of life +at home attracted her as little as ever—Mother had even begun to hint +as well that she would now be expected to instruct her young brothers. +Hence, her parting was effected with very mixed feelings; she did not +know in the least where she really belonged, or under what conditions +she would be happy; she was conscious only of a mild sorrow at having +to take leave of the shelter of years. +</P> + +<P> +Her two companions had no such doubts and regrets; for them the past +was already dead and gone; their talk was all of the future, so soon to +become the present. They forecast this, mapping it out for themselves +with the iron belief in their power to do so, which is the hall-mark of +youth. +</P> + +<P> +Laura, walking at their side, listened to their words with the deepest +interest, and with the reverence she had learned to extend to all +opinions save her own. +</P> + +<P> +M. P. proposed to return to Melbourne at the end of the vacation; for +she was going on to Trinity, where she intended to take one degree +after another. She hesitated only whether it was to be in medicine or +arts. +</P> + +<P> +"Oogh! ... to cut off people's legs!" ejaculated Laura. "M. P., how +awful." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, one soon gets used to that, child.—But I think, on the whole, I +should prefer to take up teaching. Then I shall probably be able to +have a school of my own some day." +</P> + +<P> +"I shouldn't wonder if you got Sandy's place here," said Laura, who was +assured that M. P.'s massy intellect would open all doors. +</P> + +<P> +"Who knows?" answered Mary, and set her lips in a determined fashion of +her own. "Stranger things have happened." +</P> + +<P> +Cupid, less enamoured of continual discipline, intended to be a writer. +"My cousin says I've got the stuff in me. And he's a journalist and +ought to know." +</P> + +<P> +"I should rather think he ought." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, I mean to have a shot at it." +</P> + +<P> +"And you, Laura?" M. P. asked suavely. +</P> + +<P> +"Me?—Oh, goodness knows!" +</P> + +<P> +"Close as usual, Infant." +</P> + +<P> +"No, really not, Cupid." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you'll soon have to make up your mind to something now. You're +nearly sixteen.—Why not go on working for your B.A.?" +</P> + +<P> +"No thanks! I've had enough of that here." And Laura's thoughts waved +their hands, as it were, to the receding figure of Oliver Cromwell. +</P> + +<P> +"Be a teacher, then." +</P> + +<P> +"M.P.! I never want to hear a date or add up a column of figures again." +</P> + +<P> +"Laura!" +</P> + +<P> +"It's the solemn truth. I'm fed up with all those blessed things." +</P> + +<P> +"Fancy not having a single wish!" +</P> + +<P> +"Wish? ... oh, I've tons of wishes. First I want to be with Evvy again. +And then, I want to see things—yes, that most of all. Hundreds and +thousands of things. People, and places, and what they eat, and how +they dress, and China, and Japan ... just tons." +</P> + +<P> +"You'll have to hook a millionaire for that, my dear." +</P> + +<P> +"And perhaps you'll write a book about your travels for us +stay-at-homes." +</P> + +<P> +"Gracious! I shouldn't know how to begin. But you'll send me all you +write—all YOUR books—won't you, Cupid? And, M. P., you'll let me come +and see you get your degrees—every single one." +</P> + +<P> +With these and similar promises the three girls parted. They never met +again. For a time they exchanged letters regularly, many-sheeted +letters, full of familiar, personal detail. Then the detail ceased, the +pages grew fewer in number, the time-gap longer. Letters in turn gave +place to mere notes and postcards, scribbled in violent haste, at wide +intervals. And ultimately even these ceased; and the great silence of +separation was unbroken. Nor were the promises redeemed: there came to +Laura neither gifts of books nor calls to be present at academic +robings. Within six months of leaving school, M. P. married and settled +down in her native township; and thereafter she was forced to adjust +the rate of her progress to the steps of halting little feet. Cupid +went a-governessing, and spent the best years of her life in the +obscurity of the bush. +</P> + +<P> +And Laura? ... In Laura's case, no kindly Atropos snipped the thread of +her aspirations: these, large, vague, extemporary, one and all achieved +fulfilment; then withered off to make room for more. But this, the +future still securely hid from her. She went out from school with the +uncomfortable sense of being a square peg, which fitted into none of +the round holes of her world; the wisdom she had got, the experience +she was richer by, had, in the process of equipping her for life, +merely seemed to disclose her unfitness. She could not then know that, +even for the squarest peg, the right hole may ultimately be found; +seeming unfitness prove to be only another aspect of a peculiar and +special fitness. But, of the after years, and what they brought her, it +is not the purport of this little book to tell. It is enough to say: +many a day came and went before she grasped that, oftentimes, just +those mortals who feel cramped and unsure in the conduct of everyday +life, will find themselves to rights, with astounding ease, in that +freer, more spacious world where no practical considerations hamper, +and where the creatures that inhabit dance to their tune: the world +where are stored up men's best thoughts, the hopes, and fancies; where +the shadow is the substance, and the multitude of business pales before +the dream. +</P> + +<P> +In the meantime, however, the exodus of the fifty-five turned the +College upside-down. +</P> + +<P> +Early the following morning Laura made her final preparations for +departure. This, alas! was not to be on so imposing a scale as the +departures of her schoolfellows. They, under special escort, would have +a cab apiece, and would drive off with flying handkerchiefs and all +their luggage piled high in front. Whereas Laura's box had gone by van: +for she and Pin, who was in Melbourne on a visit, were to spend a +couple of days at Godmother's before starting up-country. Even her +farewells, which she had often rehearsed to herself with dramatic +emphasis, went off without eclat. Except for Miss Chapman, the +governesses were absent when the moment came, and Miss Chapman's mind +was so full of other things that she went on giving orders while she +was shaking hands. +</P> + +<P> +But Laura was not destined to leave the walls, within the shadow of +which she had learned so much, as tamely as all this. There was still a +surprise in waiting for her. As she whisked about the corridors in +search of Mrs. Gurley, she met two girls, one of whom said: "I say, +Laura Rambotham, you're fetched. Your pretty sister's come for you." +</P> + +<P> +"My ... who?" gaped Laura. +</P> + +<P> +"Your sister. By gum, there's a nose for you—and those whopping eyes! +You'll have to play second fiddle to THAT, all your days, my dear." +</P> + +<P> +On entering the reception-room Laura tried hard to see Pin with the +eyes of a stranger. Pin rose from her chair—awkwardly, of course, for +there were other people present, and Laura's violent stare was +disconcerting in the extreme: it made Pin believe her hat was crooked, +or that she had a black speck on her nose. As for Laura, she could see +no great change in her sister; the freckles were certainly paler, and +the features were perhaps beginning to emerge a little, from the +cushiony fat in which they were bedded; but that was all. Still, if +outsiders, girls in particular, were struck by it ... +</P> + +<P> +A keener stab than this—really, she did not grudge Pin being pretty: +it was only the newness of the thing that hurt—a keener stab was it +that, though she had ordered Pin repeatedly, and with all the stress +she was master of, to come in a wagonette to fetch her, so that she +might at least drive away like the other girls; in spite of this, the +little nincompoop had after all arrived on foot. Godmother had said the +idea of driving was stuff and nonsense—a quite unnecessary expense. +Pin, of course, had meekly given in; and thus Laura's last brave +attempt to be comfortably like her companions came to naught. She went +out of the school in the same odd and undignified fashion in which she +had lived there. +</P> + +<P> +The wrangle caused by Pin's chicken-heartedness lasted the sisters down +the garden-path, across the road, and over into the precincts of a +large, public park. Only when they were some distance through this, did +Laura wake to what was happening to her. Then, it came over her with a +rush: she was free, absolutely free; she might do any mortal thing she +chose. +</P> + +<P> +As a beginning she stopped short. +</P> + +<P> +"Hold on, Pin ... take this," she said, giving her sister the heavy +leather bag they were carrying in turns to the tramway. Pin obediently +held out her hand, in its little white cotton glove. +</P> + +<P> +"And my hat." +</P> + +<P> +"What are you going to do, Laura?" +</P> + +<P> +"You'll see." +</P> + +<P> +"You'll get sunstroke!" +</P> + +<P> +"Fiddles!—it's quite shady. Here're my gloves.—Now, Pin, you follow +your nose and you'll find me—WHERE you find me!" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, what ARE you going to do, Laura?" cried Pin, in anxiety. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm going to have a good run," said Laura; and tightened her +hair-ribbon. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, but you can't run in the street! You're too big. People'll see +you." +</P> + +<P> +"Think I care?—If you'd been years only doing what you were allowed +to, I guess you'd want to do something you weren't allowed to, too.— +Good-bye!" +</P> + +<P> +She was off, had darted away into the leaden heat of the December +morning, like an arrow from its bow, her head bent, her arms close to +her sides, fleet-footed as a spaniel: Pin was faced by the swift and +rhythmic upturning of her heels. There were not many people abroad at +this early hour, but the few there were, stood still and looked in +amazement after the half-grown girl in white, whose thick black plait +of hair sawed up and down as she ran; and a man with mop and bucket, +who was washing statues, stopped his work and whistled, and winked at +Pin as she passed. +</P> + +<P> +Cross and confused Pin trudged after her sister, Laura's hat and gloves +in one hand, the leather bag in the other. +</P> + +<P> +Right down the central avenue ran Laura, growing smaller and smaller in +the distance, the area of her movements decreasing as she ran, till she +appeared to be almost motionless, and not much larger than a figure in +the background of a picture. Then came a sudden bend in the long, +straight path. She shot round it, and was lost to sight. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR><BR> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Getting of Wisdom, by Henry Handel Richardson + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GETTING OF WISDOM *** + +***** This file should be named 3728-h.htm or 3728-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/2/3728/ + +Produced by Col Choat. HTML version by Al Haines. + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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