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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:07:20 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:07:20 -0700 |
| commit | 59df71c91439b9e8724a48a4de8dd6a3602c9469 (patch) | |
| tree | f8443beba874c6f1840fc466dd4afc977264efe2 /37166-h | |
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diff --git a/37166-h/37166-h.htm b/37166-h/37166-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8d003d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/37166-h/37166-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5002 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Punch At The Seaside.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + + img.dropimg {float : left; margin-right: 3em; + margin-top: -1em; margin-left: .0em; + border: 0; margin-bottom: 0;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; + font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + span.dropcapa { display: none; } + + .poem + .w24 {width: 24em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + .w26 {width: 26em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + .w30 {width: 30em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + .w36 {width: 36em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right; width: auto;} + .figleft {float: left; width: auto;} + + .img {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;} + .div {margin: 0; padding: 0;} + .author {text-align: right;} + + .regards {margin-right: 4em; text-align: right;} + + pre {font-size: 75%; } + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Seaside, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch at the Seaside + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: Various + +Release Date: August 23, 2011 [EBook #37166] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE SEASIDE *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Cover" id="Cover">[Cover]</a></span></p> + +<h1>MR. PUNCH AT THE SEASIDE</h1> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_cover.png"> +<img src="images/i_cover.png" width="100%" alt="Cover" /></a> +</div> + +<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3> + +<center>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original +sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. +The page numbering remains unaltered.</center> +<br /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + +<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3><br /> + +<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></center> +<br /> +<p>Designed to provide in a series +of volumes, each complete in itself, +the cream of our national humour, +contributed by the masters of +comic draughtsmanship and the +leading wits of the age to "Punch", +from its beginning in 1841 to the +present day.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_002b.png"> +<img src="images/i_002b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_003.png"> +<img src="images/i_003.png" width="100%" alt="BY THE SILVER SEA" /></a> +<h3>"BY THE SILVER SEA"</h3> +<center>This is <i>not</i> Jones's dog.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH AT THE SEASIDE</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_004a.png"> +<img src="images/i_004a.png" width="100%" alt="Cartoon" /></a> +</div> +<br /> +<br /> +<p>AS PICTURED BY +<br /><br /> +CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH,<br /> +GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY,<br /> +L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD<br /> +PARTRIDGE, GORDON BROWNE,<br /> +E. T. REED, AND OTHERS ...<br /> +<br /> +<i>WITH 200 ILLUSTRATIONS</i><br /> +</p> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +<center>PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH<br /> THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" +<br /> +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.</center> + +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<h3>THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3> + +<center> +<i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages<br /> +fully illustrated</i><br /> +<br /> +LIFE IN LONDON<br /> +<br /> +COUNTRY LIFE<br /> +<br /> +IN THE HIGHLANDS<br /> +<br /> +SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br /> +<br /> +IRISH HUMOUR<br /> +<br /> +COCKNEY HUMOUR<br /> +<br /> +IN SOCIETY<br /> +<br /> +AFTER DINNER STORIES<br /> +<br /> +IN BOHEMIA<br /> +<br /> +AT THE PLAY<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br /> +<br /> +ON THE CONTINONG<br /> +<br /> +RAILWAY BOOK<br /> +<br /> +AT THE SEASIDE<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br /> +<br /> +IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br /> +<br /> +WITH ROD AND GUN<br /> +<br /> +MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br /> +<br /> +BOOK OF SPORTS<br /> +<br /> +GOLF STORIES<br /> +<br /> +IN WIG AND GOWN<br /> +<br /> +ON THE WARPATH<br /> +<br /> +BOOK OF LOVE<br /> +<br /> +WITH THE CHILDREN<br /> +</center> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_005.png"> +<img src="images/i_005.png" width="100%" alt="Channel swimmer" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p><hr /> + +<h4>EDITOR'S NOTE</h4> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_006.png"> +<img src="images/i_006.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>One of the leading characteristics of the nineteenth century was the +tremendous change effected in the social life of Great Britain by the +development of cheap railway travel. The annual holiday at the seaside +speedily became as inevitable a part of the year's progress as the +milkman's morning call is of the day's routine. What at first had been a +rare and memorable event in a life-time developed into a habit, to +which, with our British love for conventions, all of us conform.</p> + +<p>Whether or not our French critics are justified in saying that we +Britishers take our pleasures sadly, these pages from the seaside +chronicles of Mr. Punch will bear witness, and while at times they may +seem to support the case of our critics, at others the evidence is +eloquent against them. This at least is certain, that whatever the +temperament of the British as displayed during the holiday season at our +popular resorts, the point of view of our national jester, Mr. Punch, is +unfailingly humorous, and such sadness as some of our countrymen may +bring to their pleasures is but food for the mirth of merry Mr. Punch, +who, we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> are persuaded, stands for the sum total of John Bull's good +humour in his outlook on the life of his countrymen.</p> + +<p>As the real abstract and brief chronicler of our time, Mr. Punch has +mirrored in little the social history of the last sixty-five years, and +apart from the genuine entertainment which this book presents, it is +scarcely less instructive as a pictorial history of British manners +during this period. One may here follow in the vivid sketches of the +master-draughtsmen of the age the ceaseless and bewildering changes of +fashion—the passing of the crinoline, the coming and going of the +bustle, the chignon, and similar vanities, and the evolution of the +present-day styles of dress both of men and women.</p> + +<p>It is also curious to notice how little seaside customs, amusements, +troubles and delights, have varied in the last half-century. Landladies +are at the end what they were at the beginning; the same old type of +bathing-machine is still in use; our forefathers and their womenfolk in +the days when Mr. Punch was young behaved themselves by "the silver sea" +just as their children's children do to-day. Nothing has changed, except +that the most select of seaside places is no longer so select as it was +in the pre-railway days, and that the wealthier classes, preferring the +attractions of Continental resorts, are less in evidence at our own +watering-places.</p> + +<p>The motto of this little work, as of all those in the series to which it +belongs, is "Our true intent is all for your delight", but if the book +carry with it some measure of instruction, we trust that may not be the +less to its credit.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_008.png"> +<img src="images/i_008.png" width="100%" alt="village pump" /></a> +<h4>A FASHIONABLE WATERING PLACE</h4> +</div> + +<p><i>Mrs. Dorset (of "Dorset's Sugar and Butter Stores",<br /> Mile End Road).</i> +"Why on earth can't we go to a more<br /> <i>dressy</i> place than this, 'Enery?<br /> +I'm sick of this dreary 'ole, year after year.<br /> It's nothing but sand and +water, sand and water!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Dorset.</i> "If it wasn't for sand and water,<br /> you wouldn't get no +'olerday."</p> +<br /><br /><br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Seaside Mem.</span>—The Society recently started to abolish Tied-houses will +not include Bathing Machines within the scope of its operations.</p> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_009.png"> +<img src="images/i_009.png" width="100%" alt="BIDDY-FORD" /></a> +<h4>BIDDY-FORD</h4> +</div> + +<h2>"WHERE'S RAMSGATE?"</h2> + +<p> +[<i>Mr. Justice Hawkins.</i> Where is Ramsgate?<br /> +<i>Mr. Dickens.</i> It is in Thanet, your lordship.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 12em;"><i>Report of Twyman v. Bligh.</i>]</span><br /> +</p> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Where's Ramsgate?" Justice Hawkins cried.</p> +<p class="i2">"Where on our earthly planet?"</p> +<p class="i0">The learned Dickens straight replied,</p> +<p class="i2">"'Tis in the Isle of Thanet.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Ramsgate is where the purest air</p> +<p class="i2">Will make your head or leg well,</p> +<p class="i0">Will jaded appetite repair,</p> +<p class="i2">With the shrimp cure of Pegwell.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Where's Ramsgate? It is near the place</p> +<p class="i2">Where Julius Cæsar waded,</p> +<p class="i0">And nearer still to where his Grace</p> +<p class="i2">Augustine come one day did.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"All barristers should Ramsgate know:</p> +<p class="i2">I speak of it with pleasure",</p> +<p class="i0">Quoth Dickens. "There I often go</p> +<p class="i2">When wanting a refresher.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Where's Ramsgate? Where I've often seen.</p> +<p class="i2">Both S-mb-rne and Du M-r-<i>er</i>,</p> +<p class="i0">When I have gone by 3.15</p> +<p class="i2">Granville Express, Victori<i>er</i>.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"With Thanet Harriers, when you are</p> +<p class="i2">Well mounted on a pony,</p> +<p class="i0">You'll say, for health who'd go so far</p> +<p class="i2">As Cannes, Nice, or Mentone?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"With Poland, of the Treasury,</p> +<p class="i2">Recorder eke of Dover,</p> +<p class="i0">I oft go down for pleasurey.</p> +<p class="i2">Alack! 'tis too soon over!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"O'er Thanet's Isle where'er you trudge,</p> +<p class="i2">My Lud, you'll find no land which——"</p> +<p class="i0">"Dickens take Ramsgate!" quote the Judge.</p> +<p class="i2">"Luncheon! I'm off to Sandwich!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_010.png"> +<img src="images/i_010.png" width="100%" alt="JUDGE BY APPEARANCE" /></a> +<h3>A JUDGE BY APPEARANCE</h3> +<p><i>Bathing Guide.</i> "Bless 'is 'art! I know'd he'd take to it kindly—by +the werry looks on 'im!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE WONDERS OF THE SEA-SHORE</h2> + +<blockquote><p><i>Contributed by</i> "<span class="smcap">Glaucus</span>", <i>who is staying at a quiet +watering-place, five miles from anywhere, and three miles from a +Railway Station</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_011.png"> +<img src="images/i_011.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><i>Monday(?) after breakfast, lying on the beach.</i></p> + +<p>Wonder if it is Monday, or Tuesday?</p> + +<p>Wonder what time it is?</p> + +<p>Wonder if it will be a fine day?</p> + +<p>Wonder what I shall do if it is? On second thoughts, wonder what I shall +do if it isn't?</p> + +<p>Wonder if there are any letters?</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> + +<p>Wonder who that is in a white petticoat with her hair down?</p> + +<p>Wonder if she came yesterday or the day before?</p> + +<p>Wonder if she's pretty?</p> + +<p>Wonder what I've been thinking about the last ten minutes?</p> + +<p>Wonder how the boatmen here make a livelihood by lying all day at full +length on the beach?</p> + +<p>Wonder why every one who sits on the shore throws pebbles into the sea?</p> + +<p>Wonder what there is for dinner?</p> + +<p>Wonder what I shall do all the afternoon?</p> + +<center><i>Same day, after lunch, lying on the beach.</i></center> + +<p>Wonder who in the house beside myself is partial to my dry sherry?</p> + +<p>Wonder what there is for dinner?</p> + +<p>Wonder what's in the paper to-day?</p> + +<p>Wonder if it's hot in London? Should say it was.</p> + +<p>Wonder how I ever could live in London?</p> + +<p>Wonder if there's any news from America?</p> + +<p>Wonder what tooral looral means in a chorus?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<p>Children playing near me, pretty, very?</p> + +<p>Wonder if that little boy intended to hit me on the nose with a stone?</p> + +<p>Wonder if he's going to do it again? Hope not.</p> + +<p>Wonder if I should like to be a shrimp?</p> + +<center><i>Same day, after an early dinner, lying on the beach.</i></center> + +<p>Wonder why I can never get any fish?</p> + +<p>Wonder why my landlady introduces cinders into the gravy?</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_015.png"> +<img src="images/i_015.png" width="100%" alt="EXMOUTH" /></a> +<h3>EXMOUTH</h3> +</div> + +<p>Wonder more than ever who there is at my lodgings so partial to my dry +sherry?</p> + +<p>Wonder if that's the coast of France in the distance?</p> + +<p>Feel inclined for a quiet conversation with my fellow-man.</p> + +<p>A boatman approaches. I wonder (to the boatman) if it will be a fine day +tomorrow? He wonders too? We both wonder together?</p> + +<p>Wonder (again to the boatman) if the rail will make much difference to +the place? He shakes his head and says "Ah! he wonders!" and leaves me.</p> + +<p>Wonder what age I was last birthday? + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> + +<p>Wonder if police inspectors are as a rule fond of bathing?</p> + +<p>Wonder what gave me that idea?</p> + +<p>Wonder what I shall do all this evening?</p> +<br /> +<center><i>Same day, after supper, Moonlight, lying on the beach.</i></center> +<br /> +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_017.png"> +<img src="images/i_017.png" width="100%" alt="HIGH SEA OVER THE BAR" /></a> +<h3>A HIGH SEA OVER THE BAR</h3> +</div> + +<p>Wonder if there ever was such a creature as a mermaid?</p> + +<p>Wonder several times more than ever who it is that's so fond of my dry +sherry?</p> + +<p>Wonder if the Pope can swim?</p> + +<p>Wonder what made me think of that?</p> + +<p>Wonder if I should like to go up in a balloon?</p> + +<p>Wonder what Speke and Grant had for dinner to-day?</p> + +<p>Wonder if the Zoological Gardens are open at sunrise?</p> + +<p>Wonder what I shall do to-morrow?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Fruit to be Avoided by Bathers.</span>—Currants.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_012.png"> +<img src="images/i_012.png" width="100%" alt="DEA EX MACHINÂ" /></a> +<h3>DEA EX MACHINÂ!</h3> +<p>(<i>A Reminiscence</i>)</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_014.png"> +<img src="images/i_014.png" width="100%" alt="SHOPPING" /></a> +<h3>SHOPPING</h3> +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>at Seaside "Emporium"</i>). "How much are those—ah—improvers?"</p> +<p><i>Shopman.</i> "Improv—hem!—They're not, ma'am"—(<i>confused</i>)—"not—not +the article you require, ma'am. They're fencing-masks, ma'am!"</p> +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Tableau!</i></span><br /></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_016.png"> +<img src="images/i_016.png" width="100%" alt="A LARGE BUMP OF CAUTION" /></a> +<h3>A LARGE BUMP OF CAUTION</h3> +<p><i>Flora.</i> "Oh, let us sit here, aunt, the breeze is so delightful."</p> +<p><i>Aunt.</i> "Yes—it's very nice, I dare say; but I won't come any nearer to +the cliff, for I am always afraid of <i>slipping through those +railings</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_018.png"> +<img src="images/i_018.png" width="100%" alt="A BOAT FOR AN HOUR" /></a> +<h3>A BOAT FOR AN HOUR</h3> +<p><i>Stout Gentleman.</i> "What! is that the only boat you have in?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p> + +<h2>A SEASIDE REVERIE</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_019.png"> +<img src="images/i_019.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I think, as I sit at my ease on the shingle,</p> +<p class="i2">And list to the musical voice of the Sea,</p> +<p class="i0">How gaily my Landlady always will mingle</p> +<p class="i2">From my little caddy her matutine tea.</p> +<p class="i0">And vainly the bitter remembrance I banish</p> +<p class="i2">Of mutton just eaten, my heart is full sore,</p> +<p class="i0">To think after one cut it's certain to vanish,</p> +<p class="i2">And never be seen on my board any more.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Some small store of spirit to moisten my throttle</p> +<p class="i2">I keep, and indulge in it once in a way;</p> +<p class="i0">But, bless you, it seems to fly out of the bottle</p> +<p class="i2">And swiftly decrease, though untouched all the day.</p> +<p class="i0">My sugar and sardines, my bread and my butter,</p> +<p class="i2">Are eaten, and vainly I fret and I frown;</p> +<p class="i0">My Landlady, just like an Æsthete's too utter</p> +<p class="i2">A fraud, and I vow that I'll go back to Town.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_020.png"> +<img src="images/i_020.png" width="100%" alt="THE MORNING PAPERS" /></a> +<h3>THE MORNING PAPERS</h3> +<p>Sketch from our window, 10 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>, at Sludgeborough Ness.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_021.png"> +<img src="images/i_021.png" width="100%" alt="THE NURSEMAID'S FRIEND" /></a> +</div> + +<h2>THE NURSEMAID'S FRIEND</h2> + +<p>Science has given us the baby-jumper, by which we are enabled to carry +out the common exclamation of "Hang those noisy children" without an act +of infanticide, by suspending our youngsters in the air; and perhaps +allowing them to have their full swing, without getting into mischief; +but the apparatus for the nursery will not be complete until we have +something in the shape of coops for our pretty little chickens, when +they are "out with nurse", and she happens to have something better—or +worse—to do than to look after them.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_023.png"> +<img src="images/i_023.png" width="100%" alt="YARMOUTH" /></a> +<h3>YARMOUTH</h3> +</div> + +<p>How often, in a most interesting part of a novel, or in the midst of a +love passage of real life,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> in which the nurse is herself the heroine, +how often, alas! is she not liable to be disturbed by the howl of a +brat, with a cow's horn in his eye, a dog's teeth in his heels, or in +some other awkward dilemma, which could not have arisen had the domestic +Child-coop been an article of common use in the Metropolitan parks, or +on the sands at the seaside?</p> + +<p>There is something very beautiful in the comparison of helpless infancy +to a brood of young chickens, with its attendant imagery of "mother's +wing", and all that sort of thing, but the allegory would be rendered +much more complete by the application of the hencoop to domestic +purposes. We intend buying one for our own stud of <i>piccoli</i>—which +means little pickles—and we hope to see all heads of families taking it +into their heads to follow our example.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Midsummer Madness.</span>—Going to the seaside in search of quiet.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_022.png"> +<img src="images/i_022.png" width="100%" alt="LOCAL INTELLIGENCE" /></a> +<h2>LOCAL INTELLIGENCE</h2> +<p>"D'year as 'ow old Bob Osborne 'ave give up shrimpin' an took ter +winklin'?"</p> +<p>"Well, I'm blest!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_024.png"> +<img src="images/i_024.png" width="100%" alt="THE INGRATITUDE OF SOME SERVANTS" /></a> +<h2>THE INGRATITUDE OF SOME SERVANTS</h2> +<p>You give them a change by taking them to the seaside—all they have to +do is to look after the children—and yet they don't seem to appreciate +it.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ON THE SPOT</h2> + +<p>Shall we like Pierpoint, to which favourite and healthy seaside resort +we finally resolved to come, after a period of much indecision and +uncertainty, and where we arrived, in heavy rain, in two cabs, with +thirteen packages, on Saturday?</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_025a.png"> +<img src="images/i_025a.png" width="100%" alt="A NATIVE HOISTER" /></a> +<h3>A NATIVE HOISTER</h3> +</div> + +<p>Shall we be comfortable at 62, Convolution Street, dining-room floor, +two guineas and a half a week, and all and perhaps rather more than the +usual extras?</p> + +<p>Shall we like Mrs. Kittlespark?</p> + +<p>Shall we find Kate all that a Kate ought to be?</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_025b.png"> +<img src="images/i_025b.png" width="100%" alt="GOING DOWN" /></a> +<h3>GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE</h3> +</div> + +<p>Shall we lock everything up, or repose a noble confidence in Mrs. +Kittlespark and Kate?</p> + +<p>Shall we get to know the people in the drawing-room?</p> + +<p>Shall we subscribe to the Pier, or pay each time we go on it?</p> + +<p>Shall we subscribe to that most accommodating Circulating Library, +Pigram's, where we can exchange our books at pleasure, <i>but not oftener +than once a day</i>?</p> + +<p>Shall we relax our minds with the newest novels, or give our intellects +a bracing course of the best standard works?</p> + +<p>Shall we dine late or early?</p> + +<p>Shall we call on the Denbigh Flints, who, according to the <i>Pierpoint +Pioneer</i>, are staying at 10, Ocean Crescent?</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_027a.png"> +<img src="images/i_027a.png" width="100%" alt="GOING TO BRIGHTON" /></a> +<h3>GOING TO BRIGHTON</h3> +</div> + +<p>Shall we carefully avoid the Wilkiesons, whom the same unerring guide +reports at 33, Blue Lion Street?</p> + +<p>Shall we be satisfied with our first weekly bill?</p> + +<p>Shall we find in it any unexpected and novel extras, such as +knife-cleaning, proportion of the water-rate, loan of latch-key, &c.?</p> + +<p>Shall we get our meat at Round's, who displays the Prince of Wales's +Feathers over his shop door, and plumes himself on being "purveyor" to +His Royal Highness; or at Cleaver's, who boasts of the patronage of the +Hereditary Grand Duke of Seltersland?</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_027b.png"> +<img src="images/i_027b.png" width="100%" alt="VIEW OF COWES" /></a> +<h3>A VIEW OF COWES</h3> +</div> + +<p>Shall we find everything dearer here than it is at home?</p> + +<p>Shall we be happy in our laundress?</p> + +<p>Shall we be photographed?</p> + +<p>Shall we, as Mrs. Kittlespark has a spare bed-room, invite our Cousin +Amelia Staythorp, from whom we have expectations, and who is +Constance Edith Amelia's Godmother, to come down and stay a week with +us?</p> + +<p>Shall we be praiseworthily economical, and determine not to spend a +single unnecessary sixpence; or shall we, as we <i>have</i> come to +Pierpoint, enjoy ourselves to the utmost, go in for all the amusements +of the place—pier, public gardens, theatre, concerts, Oceanarium, +bathing, boating, fishing, driving, riding, and rinking—make +excursions, be ostentatiously liberal to the Town Band, and buy +everything that is offered to us on the Beach?</p> + +<p>A month hence, shall we be glad or sorry to leave Pierpoint, and go back +to Paddington?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Postscript To a Seaside Letter.</span>—"The sea is as smooth, and clear, as a +looking-glass. The oysters might see to shave in it."</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_026.png"> +<img src="images/i_026.png" width="100%" alt="WHAT WE COULD BEAR A GOOD DEAL OF" /></a> +<h3>WHAT WE COULD BEAR A GOOD DEAL OF</h3> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_028.png"> +<img src="images/i_028.png" width="100%" alt="SCENE AT SANDBATH" /></a> +<h3>SCENE AT SANDBATH</h3> +<p>The Female Blondin Outdone! Grand Morning Performance on the Narrow +Plank by the Darling ----</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_029.png"> +<img src="images/i_029.png" width="100%" alt="A LITTLE FAMILY BREEZE" /></a> +<h3>A LITTLE FAMILY BREEZE</h3> +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> "What a wretch you must be, T.; why don't you take me off? +Don't you see I'm overtook with the tide, and I shall be drownded!"</p> +<p><i>T.</i> "Well, then—will you promise not to kick up such a row when I stop +out late of a Saturday?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_030.png"> +<img src="images/i_030.png" width="100%" alt="ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK" /></a> +<h3>ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK</h3> +<p>"And look here! I want you to take my friend here and myself just far +enough to be up to our chins, you know, and no further!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> + +<h2>WHAT THE WILD WAVES ARE SAYING</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_031.png"> +<img src="images/i_031.png" width="100%" alt="BANGOR" /></a> +<h3>BANGOR</h3> +</div> + +<p>That the lodging-house keepers are on the look out for the weary +Londoners and their boxes.</p> + +<p>That the sea breezes will attract all the world from the Metropolis to +the coast.</p> + +<p>That Britons should prefer Ramsgate, Eastbourne, Scarborough, and the +like, to Dieppe, Dinard, and Boulogne.</p> + +<p>That paterfamilias should remember, when paying the bill, that a two +months' letting barely compensates for an empty house during the +remainder of the year.</p> + +<p>That the shore is a place of recreation for all but the bathing-machine +horse.</p> + +<p>That the circulating libraries are stocked with superfluous copies of +unknown novels waiting to be read.</p> + +<p>That, finally, during the excursion season, 'Arry will have to be +tolerated, if not exactly loved.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p><hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/i_032.png"> +<img src="images/i_032.png" width="100%" alt="View of the sands" /></a> +<h3><i>The "Lancet" advocates taking holidays in Midwinter +instead of Midsummer.</i></h3> +<center>View of the sands of Anywhere-on-Sea if the suggestion is adopted.<br /> +Time—December or January.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_033.png"> +<img src="images/i_033.png" width="100%" alt="You're a brute, sir" /></a> +<p><i>Mrs. Fydgetts (screaming).</i> "My child! My child!"</p> +<p><i>Mr. Fydgetts.</i> "What's the use of making that noise? Can't you be +quiet?"</p> +<p><i>Mrs. F.</i> "You're a brute, sir."</p> +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> "I wish I were; for then I should be able to swim."</p> +<p><i>Mrs. F.</i> "Mr. Fydgetts! Ain't you a-coming to help me?"</p> +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> "No! It serves you right for bringing me down to this stupid +place."</p> +<p><i>Mrs. F.</i> "<i>I</i>, indeed. Why, I wanted to go to Brighton and you would +come to Margate—you said it was cheaper".</p> +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> "It's false; I said no such thing".</p> +<p><i>Mrs. F.</i> "You did, you did!"</p> +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> "O, woman! woman! Where do you expect to go to?"</p> +<p><i>Mrs. F.</i> "To the bottom; unless you come and help me!"</p> +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> "Help yourself. I'm s-i-n-k-i-n-g"—</p> +<p><i>Mrs. F.</i> "My child! My child!"</p> +<p><i>Mr. F. (rising from the water).</i> "Be quiet, can't you! Woo-o-m—" (<i>the +rest is inaudible, but the watery pair are saved just in time, and renew +their dispute in the boat as soon as they are rescued from their +perilous position</i>).</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_034.png"> +<img src="images/i_034.png" width="100%" alt="Mabel soliloquising" /></a> +<p><i>Mabel</i> (<i>soliloquising</i>). "Dear me, this relaxing +climate makes even one's parasol seem too heavy to hold!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<h2>HOLIDAY HAUNTS</h2> + +<center><i>By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt</i><br /><br /> + +I.—GREAT YARMOUTH</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_035.png"> +<img src="images/i_035.png" width="100%" alt="PUFFINS" /></a> +<h3>PUFFINS</h3> +</div> + +<p>Why Great?—where's Little Yarmouth?—or Mid-Sized Yarmouth?—give it +up—don't know—hate people who ask conundrums—feel well cured directly +you get here—good trademark for dried-fish sellers, "The Perfect +Cure"—if you stay a fortnight, get quite kipperish—stay a month, talk +kipperish! Principal attractions—Bloaters and Rows—first eat—second +see—song, "<i>Speak gently of the Herring</i>"—"long shore" ones +splendid—kippers delicious—song, "<i>What's a' the steer, +Kipper?</i>"—song, "<i>Nobody's rows like our Rows</i>"—more they +are—varied—picturesque—tumbledown—paradise for painters—very +narrow—capital support for native Bloater going home after dinner—odd +names—Ramp, Kitty Witches—Gallon Can,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> Conge! Fancy oneself quite the +honest toiler of the sea—ought to go about in dried haddock suit—feel +inclined to emulate <i>Mr. Peggotty</i>—run into quiet taverns—thump tables +violently—say "gormed!" Whole neighbourhood recalls <i>Ham</i> and <i>Little +Em'ly</i>—<i>David, Steerforth, Mrs. Gummidge</i>—recall ham myself—if well +broiled—lunch—pleasant promenades on piers—plenty of amusement in +watching the bloateric commerce—fresh water fishing in adjacent Broads, +if you like—if not, let it alone—broad as it's long! The Denes—not +sardines—nor rural deans—good places for exercise—plenty of +antiquities—old customs—quaint traditions! Picturesque ancient +taverns—capital modern hotels—stopping in one of the latter—polite +waiter just appeared—dinner served—soup'll get cold—mustn't +wait—never insult good cook by being unpunctual—rather let Editor go +short than hurt cook's feelings<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a>—so no more at present—from Yours +Truly.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_037.png"> +<img src="images/i_037.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> + +<center>II.—LITTLEHAMPTON.</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_039.png"> +<img src="images/i_039.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>Emphatically the Sea on the strict Q T—no bustle at +railway-station—train glides in noiselessly—passengers ooze +away—porters good-tempered and easy-going—like suffragan Bishops in +corduroys—bless boxes—read pastorals on portmanteaux—no one in a +hurry—locomotive coos softly in an undertone—fly-drivers suggest +possibility of your requiring their services in a whisper! Place +full—no lodgings to be had—visitors manage to efface themselves—no +one about—all having early dinners—or gone to bed—or pretending to be +somewhere else—a one-sided game of hide and seek—everybody hiding, +nobody seeking! Seems always afternoon—dreamy gleamy sunshine—a dense +quietude that you might cut in slices—no braying brass-bands—no +raucous niggers—no seaside harpies—Honfleur packet only excitement—no +one goes to see it start—visitors don't like to be excited! Chief +amusements, Common, Sands, and Pony-chaises—first, good to roll +on—second, good to stroll on—first two, gratuitous and breezy—third, +inexpensive and easy—might be driven out of your mind for +three-and-six—notwithstanding this, everybody presumably sane. Capital +place for children—cricket for boys—shrimping for girls—bare +legs—picturesque dress—not much caught—salt water good for +ankles—excellent bathing—rows of bathing-tents—admirable notion! +Interesting excursions—Arundel +Castle—Bramber—Bognor—Chichester—Petworth House! Good things to +eat—Arundel mullet—Amberley trout—Tarring figs! Delightful +air—omnipotent ozone—uninterrupted quiet—just the place to recover +your balance, either mental or monetary—I wish to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> recover both—that's +the reason I'm here—send cheque at once to complete cure.<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a></p></div> +<p>Don't like this sentiment. Is J. J. a Cook's Tourist?—<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a></p></div><p>We have sent him the price of a third-class fare to town, +with orders to return instantly: possibly this is hardly the sort of +check that our friend "J. J." expected.—<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p> + +<center>III.—SCARBOROUGH.</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_043.png"> +<img src="images/i_043.png" width="100%" alt="RAMSGATE" /></a> +<h3>RAMSGATE</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_045.png"> +<img src="images/i_045.png" width="100%" alt=" CUTTER MAKING FOR THE PEER HEAD" /></a> +<h3>A CUTTER MAKING FOR THE PEER HEAD</h3> +</div> + +<p>Long way from London—no matter—fast train—soon here—once here don't +wish to leave—palatial hotels—every luxury—good <i>tables +d'hôte</i>—pleasant balls—lively society! Exhilarating air—good as +champagne without "morning after"—up early—go to bed late—authorities +provide something better than a broken-down pier, a circulating library, +and a rickety bathing-machine—authorities disburse large sums for +benefit of visitors—visitors spend lots of money in town—mutual +satisfaction—place crowded—capital bands—excellent +theatricals—varied entertainments—right way to do it! The Spa—first +discovered 1620—people been discovering it ever since—some drink +it—more walk on it—lounge on it—smoke on it—flirt on it—wonderful +costumes in the morning—more wonderful in the afternoon—most wonderful +in the evening! North Sands—South Sands—fine old Castle well +placed—picturesque old town—well-built modern terraces, squares and +streets—pony-chaises—riding-horses—Lift for lazy ones! Capital +excursions—Oliver's Mount—Carnelian Bay—Scalby +Mill—Hackness—Wykeham—Filey! Delightful gardens—secluded seats<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> +—hidden nooks—shady bowers—well-screened corners—Northern +Belles—bright eyes—soft nothings—eloquent sighs—squozen +hands—before you know where you are—ask papa—all up—dangerous very! +Overcome by feelings—can't write any more—friend asks me to drink +waters—query North Chalybeate or South Salt Well—wonder which—if in +doubt try soda qualified with brandy—good people scarce—better run no +risk!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Costume in Keeping.</span>—"Of all sweet things", said Bertha, "for the +seaside, give me a serge." The Ancient Mariner shook his head. He didn't +see the joke.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Board and Lodging!</span>—<i>Landlady.</i> "Yes, sir, the board were certingly to +be a guinea a week, but I didn't know as you was a-going to bathe in the +sea before breakfast and take bottles of tonic during the day!"</p> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_036.png"> +<img src="images/i_036.png" width="100%" alt="THE DONKEYS' HOLIDAY" /></a> +<h3>THE DONKEYS' HOLIDAY</h3> +<center>With compliments to the S.P.C.A.</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_038.png"> +<img src="images/i_038.png" width="100%" alt="LABELLED" /></a> +<h3>LABELLED!</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_040.png"> +<img src="images/i_040.png" width="100%" alt="NAUGHTICAL" /></a> +<h3>NAUGHTICAL?</h3> +<p><i>Yachting Friend (playfully).</i> "Have you any experience of squalls, +Brown?"</p> +<p><i>Brown.</i> "Squalls!" (<i>Seriously.</i>) "My dear sir, I've brought up ten in +family!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_041.png"> +<img src="images/i_041.png" width="100%" alt="SOCIAL BEINGS" /></a> +<h3>SOCIAL BEINGS</h3> +<p>Wearied by London dissipation, the Marjoribanks Browns go, for the sake +of perfect quiet, to that picturesque little watering-place, +Shrimpington-super-Mare, where they trust that they will not meet a +single soul they know.</p> +<p>Oddly enough, the Cholmondeley Joneses go to the same spot with the same +purpose.</p> +<p>Now, these Joneses and Browns cordially detest each other in London, and +are not even on speaking terms; yet such is the depressing effect of +"perfect quiet" that, as soon as they meet at Shrimpington-super-Mare, +they rush into each other's arms with a wild sense of relief!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_042.png"> +<img src="images/i_042.png" width="100%" alt="HEARTS OF OAK" /></a> +<h3>HEARTS OF OAK</h3> +<p><i>Angelina (who has never seen a revolving light before).</i> "How patient +and persevering those sailors must be, Edwin! The wind has blown that +light out six times since they first lit it, and they've lighted it +again each time!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_044a.png"> +<img src="images/i_044a.png" width="100%" alt="SHANKLIN" /></a> +<h3>SHANKLIN</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_044b.png"> +<img src="images/i_044b.png" width="100%" alt="SCILLY" /></a> +<h3>SCILLY</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_044c.png"> +<img src="images/i_044c.png" width="100%" alt="HAYLING ISLAND" /></a> +<h3>HAYLING ISLAND</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_044d.png"> +<img src="images/i_044d.png" width="100%" alt="MUMBLES" /></a> +<h3>MUMBLES</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_046.png"> +<img src="images/i_046.png" width="100%" alt="send them away" /></a> +<p>"Now, mind, if any of those nasty people with cameras +come near, you're to send them away!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<h2>SEASIDE SOLITUDE</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">Highburybarn-on-Sea</span><br /><br /> + +(<i>From our Special Commissioner</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_047.png"> +<img src="images/i_047.png" width="100%" alt="ROUNDING THE BUOY" /></a> +<h3>A CUTTER ROUNDING THE BUOY</h3> +</div> + +<p>Dear Mr. Punch,—This is a spot, which, according to your instructions, +I reached last evening. In these same instructions you described it as +"a growing place." I fancy it must be of the asparagus order, that +vegetable, as you are well aware, taking three years in which to develop +itself to perfection. Highburybarn-on-Sea is, I regret to say, in the +first stage—judged from an asparagus point of view. I cannot entertain +the enthusiastic description of the candid correspondent (I refer to the +cutting forwarded by you from an eminent daily paper under the heading, +"By the Golden Ocean.") He describes it as "an oasis on the desert coast +of Great Britain."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> Far be it from me to deny the desert—all I object +to is the oasis.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_049.png"> +<img src="images/i_049.png" width="100%" alt="Limpets" /></a> +<h3>Limpets</h3> +</div> + +<p>I ask you, sir, if you ever, in the course of the travels in which you +have out-rivalled Stanley, Cameron, Livingstone, Harry de Windt, and, +may I add, De Rougemont, ever came across an oasis, consisting of two +score villas, built with scarcely baked bricks, reposing on an arid +waste amid a number of tumbled-down cottages, and surmounted by a mighty +workhouse-like hotel looking down on a pre-Adamite beershop?</p> + +<p>The sky was blue, the air was fresh, the waves had retreated to sea when +I arrived in a jolting omnibus at Highburybarn-on-Sea, and deposited +myself and luggage at the Metropolitan Hotel. A page-boy was playing +airs on a Jew's-harp when I alighted on the sand-driven steps of the +hostelry. He seemed surprised at my arrival, but in most respectful +fashion placed his organ of minstrelsy in his jacket pocket, the while +he conveyed my Gladstone<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> bag to my apartment, secured by an interview +with an elderly dame, who gave an intelligent but very wan smile when I +suggested dinner. She referred me to the head waiter. This functionary +pointed in grandiose fashion to the coffee-room, wherein some artistic +wall-papering wag had committed atrocities on which it would be libel to +comment.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_051.png"> +<img src="images/i_051.png" width="100%" alt="GETTING A BLOW" /></a> +<h3>TAKING A DIP AND GETTING A BLOW</h3> +</div> + +<p>There was only one occupant, a short clean-shaven gentleman with white +hair and a red nose, who was apparently chasing space. This turned out +to be a militant blue-bottle. Meantime, the head-waiter produced his +bill of fare, or rather the remains of it. Nearly every dish had +apparently been consumed, for the most tempting <i>plats</i> were removed +from the <i>menu</i> by a liberal application of red pencil. Finally, I +decided on a fried sole and a steak. The white-haired man still pursued +the blue-bottle.</p> + +<p>I went up to my room, and after washing with no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> soap I returned to the +coffee-room. The blue-bottle still had the best of it. The head-waiter, +after the lapse of an hour, informed me that the sole would not be long. +When it arrived, I found that he spoke the truth. If you have any +recollection of the repast which <i>Porthos</i> endured when entertained by +<i>Madame Coquenard</i>, you will have some notion of my feast. The +head-waiter told me that some bare-legged persons who had waded into the +water were shrimp-catchers. I only wished that I were one of them, for +at least they found food.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_053.png"> +<img src="images/i_053.png" width="100%" alt="BIRCHINGTON" /></a> +<h3>BIRCHINGTON</h3> +</div> + +<p>Later on I retired to rest. I was visited in the hours of darkness, to +which I had consigned myself, by a horde of mosquitoes, imported, so I +was informed in the morning, by American travellers, who never tipped +the waiters. I fulfilled their obligations, still gazing on the auburn +sand-drift, still looking on the sea, still feeling hungry and murmuring +to myself, "Highburybarn-on-Sea would be a capital place for children, +if I could only see any cows." A melancholy cocoa-nut shy by the +station appeared to afford all the milk in the place.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours despondently,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Nibblethorpe Nobbs</span>.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Embarrassment of Riches: Margate.</span>—<i>Mother.</i> "Now, Tommy, which would +you rather do—have a donkey ride or watch father bathe?"</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_048.png"> +<img src="images/i_048.png" width="100%" alt="THE BATHING QUESTION" /></a> +<h3>THE BATHING QUESTION</h3> +<p>Master Tommy is emphatically of the opinion that the sexes ought not to +bathe together.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_050.png"> +<img src="images/i_050.png" width="100%" alt="ARRIVAL OF THE SCARBY STEAMER" /></a> +<h3>WHITBOROUGH. LOW TIDE. ARRIVAL OF THE SCARBY STEAMER</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_052.png"> +<img src="images/i_052.png" width="100%" alt="DENUDATION" /></a> +<h3>"DENUDATION"</h3> +<p><i>Niece</i> (<i>after a header</i>). "Oh, aunt, you're not coming in with your +spectacles on?"</p> +<p><i>Aunt Clarissa</i> (<i>who is not used to bathe in the "open"</i>). "My dear, I +positively won't take off anything more, I'm determined!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_054.png"> +<img src="images/i_054.png" width="100%" alt="Bathing Woman" /></a> +<p><i>Bathing Woman.</i> "Master Franky wouldn't cry! No! Not +he!—He'll come to his Martha, and bathe like a man!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> + +<h2>TO THE FIRST BATHING-MACHINE</h2> + +<center>(<i>After Wordsworth</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_055.png"> +<img src="images/i_055.png" width="100%" alt="MOORINGS" /></a> +<h3>MOORINGS</h3> +</div> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">O Blank new-comer! I have seen,</p> +<p class="i2">I see thee with a start:</p> +<p class="i0">So gentle looking a Machine,</p> +<p class="i2">Infernal one thou art!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">When first the sun feels rather hot,</p> +<p class="i2">Or even rather warm,</p> +<p class="i0">From some dim, hibernating spot</p> +<p class="i2">Rolls forth thy clumsy form.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Perhaps thou babblest to the sea</p> +<p class="i2">Of sunshine and of flowers;</p> +<p class="i0">Thou bringest but a thought to me</p> +<p class="i2">Of such bad quarter hours.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,</p> +<p class="i2">Thy very narrow bench,</p> +<p class="i0">Thou, bounding on in wild career,</p> +<p class="i2">All shake, and jolt, and wrench.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Till comes an unexpected stop;</p> +<p class="i2">My forehead hits the door,</p> +<p class="i0">And I, with cataclysmic flop,</p> +<p class="i2">Lie on thy sandy floor.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,</p> +<p class="i2">I, blushing, venture out;</p> +<p class="i0">And find the sea is still a mile</p> +<p class="i2">Away, or thereabout.</p> +</div></div> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Blithe little children on the sand</p> +<p class="i2">Laugh out with childish glee;</p> +<p class="i0">Their nurses, sitting near at hand,</p> +<p class="i2">All giggling, stare at me.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Unnerved, unwashed, I rush again</p> +<p class="i2">Within thy tranquil shade,</p> +<p class="i0">And wait until the rising main</p> +<p class="i2">Shall banish child and maid.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thy doors I dare not open now,</p> +<p class="i2">Thy windows give no view;</p> +<p class="i0">'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow;</p> +<p class="i2">I dress myself anew.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_056.png"> +<img src="images/i_056.png" width="100%" alt="There's the sea" /></a> +<h3>"THALATTA! THALATTA!"</h3> +<p><i>General chorus</i> (<i>as the children's excursion nears its destination</i>). +"Oh, I say! There's the sea! 'Ooray!!"</p> +<p><i>Small boy.</i> "I'll be in fust!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p> + +<h2>HOW TO ENJOY A HOLIDAY</h2> + +<center><i>A Social Contrast</i><br /><br /> + +I.—<span class="smcap">The Wrong Way</span></center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_057.png"> +<img src="images/i_057.png" width="100%" alt="ILE OF MAN" /></a> +<h3>ILE OF MAN</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> Here at last! A nice reward for a long and tedious journey!</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> Well, you were always complaining in town.</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> Broken chairs, rickety table, and a hideous wall-paper!</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> Well, I didn't buy the chairs, make the table, or choose the +wall-paper. Discontent is your strong point.</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> And is likely to remain so. Really, that German band is +unbearable!</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> My dear, you have no ear for music. Why, you don't even care +for my songs! You used to say you liked them once.</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> So I did—thirty years ago!</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> Before our marriage! And I have survived thirty years!</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> Eh? What do you mean by that, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> Anything you please. But come—dinner's ready.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> Dinner! The usual thing, I suppose—underdone fish and overdone +meat!</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> Well, I see that you are determined to make the best of +everything, my dear!</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> I am glad you think so, my darling!</p> + +<p> [<i>And so they sit down to dinner.</i></p> + +<center>II.—<span class="smcap">The Right Way.</span></center><br /> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> Here at last! What a charming spot! A fitting sequel to a very +pleasant journey!</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> And yet you are very fond of town!</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> This room reminds me of my own cozy study. Venerable chairs, a +strange old table, and a quaintly-designed wall-paper.</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> Well, I think if I had had to furnish the house, I should have +chosen the same things myself. But had they been ever so ugly, I feel +sure that you would have liked them. You know, sir, that content is your +strong point.</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> I am sure that I shall find no opportunity of getting any merit +(after the fashion of <i>Mark Tapley</i>) for being contented in this +pleasant spot. What a capital German band!</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_061.png"> +<img src="images/i_061.png" width="100%" alt="A GOAT AND TWO KIDS" /></a> +<h3>A GOAT AND TWO KIDS</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> I don't believe that you understand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> anything about music, sir. +Why, you even pretend that you like my old songs!</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> And so I do. Every day I live I like them better and better. +And yet I heard them for the first time thirty years ago!</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> When we were married! And so I have survived thirty years!</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> Eh? What do you mean by that, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> That I am a living proof that kindness never kills. How happy +we have been! But come—dinner's ready.</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> Dinner! The usual thing, I suppose—a nice piece of fish and a +juicy joint. Now, that's just what I like. So much better than our +pretentious London dinners! Not that a London dinner is not very good in +its proper place.</p> + +<p><i>Mater.</i> Well, I see that you are determined to make the best of +everything, my dear.</p> + +<p><i>Pater.</i> I am glad you think so, my darling!</p> + +<p> [<i>And so they sit down to dinner.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_058.png"> +<img src="images/i_058.png" width="100%" alt="THE CHAIN PIER, BRIGHTON" /></a> +<h3>AWFUL SCENE ON THE CHAIN PIER, BRIGHTON</h3> +<p><i>Nursemaid.</i> "Lawk! There goes Charley, and he's took his mar's parasol. +What <i>will</i> missus say?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_060.png"> +<img src="images/i_060.png" width="100%" alt="She saw snakes" /></a> +<p><i>Temperance Enthusiast.</i> "Look at the beautiful lives our +first parents led. Do you suppose <i>they</i> ever gave way to strong drink?"</p> +<p><i>The Reprobate.</i> "I 'xpect Eve must 'a' done. She saw snakes!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_062.png"> +<img src="images/i_062.png" width="100%" alt="A POWERFUL QUARTET" /></a> +<h3>A POWERFUL QUARTET</h3> +<center>(At all events it looks and sounds like one)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_063.png"> +<img src="images/i_063.png" width="100%" alt="man on donkey." /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SWEETS OF THE SEASIDE.</h2> + +<center><i>Shingleton, near Dulborough.</i></center> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sympathising Mr. Punch</span>,</p> + +<p>With the desire of enjoying a few days of tranquillity and a few dips in +the sea, I have arrived and taken lodgings at this "salubrious +watering-place" (as the guide-books choose to call it), having heard +that it was quiet, and possessed of a steep, cleanly, and bathe-inviting +beach. As to the latter point, I find that fame has not belied<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> it; but +surely with a view to tempt me into suicide, some demon must have +coupled the term "quiet" with this place. Quiet! Gracious Powers of +Darkness! if this be your idea of a quiet spot to live in, I wonder +what, according to your notion, need be added to its tumult to make a +noisy town. Here is a list of aural tortures wherewith we are tormented, +which may serve by way of time-table to advertise the musical +attractions of the place:—</p> + +<p>1 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Voices of the night. Revellers returning home.</p> + +<p>1.30 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Duet, "<i>Io t'amo</i>", squealed upon the tiles, by the famous +feline vocalists Mademoiselle Minette and Signor Catterwaulini.</p> + +<p>2 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Barc-arole and chorus, "<i>Bow wow wow</i>" (<span class="smcap">Bach</span>), by the Bayers of +the Moon.</p> + +<p>3 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Song without words, by the early village cock.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_064.png"> +<img src="images/i_064.png" width="100%" alt="REDCAR" /></a> +<h3>REDCAR</h3> +</div> + +<p>3.30 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Chorus by his neighbours, high and low, mingling the treble<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> +of the Bantam with the Brahma's thorough bass.</p> + +<p>4 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Twittering of swallows, and chirping of early birds, before they +go to catch their worms.</p> + +<p>4.45 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Meeting of two natives, of course <i>just</i> under your window, +who converse in a stage-whisper at the tip-top of their voices.</p> + +<p>5 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Stampede of fishermen, returning from their night's work in +their heavy boots.</p> + +<p>6 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Start of shrimpers, barefooted, but occasionally bawling.</p> + +<p>7 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Shutters taken down, and small boys sally forth and shout to one +another from the two ends of the street.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_065.png"> +<img src="images/i_065.png" width="100%" alt="HEIGHT OF THE SEAS-ON" /></a> +<h3>ENJOYING THE HEIGHT OF THE SEAS-ON</h3> +</div> + +<p>7.15 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—"So-holes! fine fresh so-holes!"</p> + +<p>7.30 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—"Mack'reel! fower a shillun! Ma-a-ack'reel!"</p> + +<p>8 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Piano play begins, and goes on until midnight.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + +<p>8.25 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Barrel-organ at the corner. Banjo in the distance.</p> + +<p>9 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—German band to right of you. Ophicleide out of time, clarionette +out of tune.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_067a.png"></a> +<img src="images/i_067a.png" width="100%" alt="OLD AND NEW PEERS" /> +<h3>MEETING OF THE OLD AND NEW PEERS AT BRIGHTON</h3> +</div> + +<p>9.30 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—"Pa-aper, mornin' pa-aper! <i>Daily Telegraft!</i>"</p> + +<p>9.45 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—German band to left of you. Clarionette and cornet both out +of time and tune.</p> + +<p>10.15 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—A key-bugler and a bag-piper a dozen yards apart.</p> + +<p>11 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Performance of Punch and Toby, who barks more than is good for +him.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_067b.png"> +<img src="images/i_067b.png" width="100%" alt="WALTON ON THE NAZE" /></a> +<h3>WALTON ON THE NAZE</h3> +</div> + +<p>11.30 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>—Bellowing black-faced ballad-bawlers, with their banjoes and +their bones.</p> + +<p>Such is our daily programme of music until noon, and such, with sundry +variations, it continues until midnight. Small wonder that I have so +little relish for my meals, and that, in spite of the sea air, I can +hardly sleep a wink. I shall return to Town to-morrow, for surely all +the street tormentors must be out of it, judging by the numbers that now +plague the sad seaside.</p> + +<p> <span class="smcap">Miserrimus.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_069.png"> +<img src="images/i_069.png" width="100%" alt="MEAT SUPPLY" /></a> +<h3>"THE MEAT SUPPLY"</h3> +<p><i>Bathing-man.</i> "Yes, mum, he's a good old 'orse yet. And he's been in +the salt water so long, he'll make capital biled beef when we're done +with him!!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><i>Our Poetess.</i> "Do not talk to me of dinner, Edwin. I must stay by this +beautiful Sea, and <i>drink it all in</i>!"</p> + +<p><i>Bill the Boatman.</i> "Lor! She's a thirsty one too!"</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_066.png"> +<img src="images/i_066.png" width="100%" alt="KILL TIME AT THE SEASIDE" /></a> +<h3>HOW TO KILL TIME AT THE SEASIDE</h3> +<p>Hire bath-chairs, put the bath-chairmen inside, and drag them as fast as +you can up and down the parade.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_068.png"> +<img src="images/i_068.png" width="100%" alt="INOPPORTUNE" /></a> +<h3>INOPPORTUNE</h3> +<p><i>Enthusiast of the "No Hat Brigade"</i> (<i>to elderly gentleman, who has +just lost his hat</i>). "Fine idea this, sir, for the hair, eh?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_070.png"> +<img src="images/i_070.png" width="100%" alt="Beauty and the Beast" /></a> +<p><i>Jones.</i> "Hullo, Brown, what's the matter with you and +Mrs. Brown?"</p> +<p><i>Brown.</i> "Matter? Why, do you know what they call us down here? They +call us Beauty and the Beast! Now I should like to know what my poor +wife has done to get such a name as that!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE TREACHEROUS TIDE</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_071a.png"> +<img src="images/i_071a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I sat on a slippery rock,</p> +<p class="i2">In the grey cliff's opal shade,</p> +<p class="i0">And the wanton waves went curvetting by</p> +<p class="i2">Like a roystering cavalcade.</p> +<p class="i0">And they doffed their crested plumes,</p> +<p class="i2">As they kissed the blushing sand,</p> +<p class="i0">Till her rosy face dimpled over with smiles</p> +<p class="i2">At the tricks of the frolicsome band.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Then the kittywake laughed, "Ha! ha!"</p> +<p class="i2">And the sea-mew wailed with pain,</p> +<p class="i0">As she sailed away on the shivering wind</p> +<p class="i2">To her home o'er the surging main.</p> +<p class="i0">And the jelly-fish quivered with rage,</p> +<p class="i2">While the dog-crabs stood by to gaze,</p> +<p class="i0">And the star-fish spread all her fingers abroad,</p> +<p class="i2">And sighed for her grandmothers' days.</p> +</div></div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_071b.png"> +<img src="images/i_071b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And the curlew screamed, "Fie! fie!"</p> +<p class="i2">And the great gull groaned at the sight,</p> +<p class="i0">And the albatross rose and fled with a shriek</p> +<p class="i2">To her nest on the perilous height.</p> +</div></div> + +<center> * * * * * </center> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Good gracious! the place where I sat</p> +<p class="i2">With sea-water was rapidly filling,</p> +<p class="i0">And a hoarse voice cried, "Sir, you're caught by the tide!</p> +<p class="i2">And I'll carry ye off for a shilling!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr><td> +<div class="figright" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_072b.png"> +<img src="images/i_072b.png" width="100%" alt="SCENT BEES" /></a> +<h3>SCENT BEES</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figleft" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/i_072a.png"> +<img src="images/i_072a.png" width="100%" alt="A SAIL OVER THE BAY" /></a> +<h3>A SAIL OVER THE BAY</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Local Colour.</span>"—<span class="smcap">Place</span>: South Parade, Cheapenham-on-Sea.—<i>Edith.</i> +"Mabel dear, would you get me <i>Baedeker's Switzerland</i> and the last +Number of the <i>World</i>."</p> + +<p><i>Mabel.</i> "What do you want <i>them</i> for?"</p> + +<p><i>Edith.</i> "Oh, I'm writing letters, and we're in the Engadine, you know, +and I just want to describe some of our favourite haunts, and mention a +few of the people who are staying there—here, I mean."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE LAY OF THE LAST LODGER</h2> + +<center>I.</center> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p><img class="dropimg" src="images/i_073.png" alt="O" width="35%" /></p> +<p class="i2"><span class="dropcapa">O</span>h dreary, dreary, dreary me!</p> +<p class="i2"> My jaw is sore with yawning—</p> +<p class="i0">I'm weary of the dreary sea,</p> +<p class="i0">With its roaring beach</p> +<p class="i0">Where sea-gulls screech,</p> +<p class="i0">And shrimpers shrimp,</p> +<p class="i0">And limpets limp,</p> +<p class="i0">And winkles wink,</p> +<p class="i0">And trousers shrink;</p> +<p class="i0">And the groaning, moaning, droning tide</p> +<p class="i0">Goes splashing and dashing from side to side,</p> +<p class="i0">With all its might, from morn to night,</p> +<p class="i2">And from night to morning's dawning.</p> +</div></div> + +<center>II.</center> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The shore's a flood of puddly mud,</p> +<p class="i2">And the rocks are limy and slimy—</p> +<p class="i0">And I've tumbled down with a thud—good lud!—</p> +<p class="i0">And I fear I swore,</p> +<p class="i0">For something tore;</p> +<p class="i0">And my shoes are full</p> +<p class="i0">Of the stagnant pool;</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> + +<p class="i0">And hauling, sprawling, crawling crabs</p> +<p class="i0">Have got in my socks with starfish and dabs;</p> +<p class="i0">And my pockets are swarming with polypes and prawns,</p> +<p class="i0">And noisome beasts with shells and horns,</p> +<p class="i0">That scrunch and scrape, and goggle and gape,</p> +<p class="i0">Are up my sleeve, I firmly believe—</p> +<p class="i2">And I'm horribly rimy and grimy.</p> +</div></div> + +<center>III.</center> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I'm sick of the strand, and the sand, and the band,</p> +<p class="i2">And the niggers and jiggers and dodgers;</p> +<p class="i0">And the cigars of rather doubtful brand;</p> +<p class="i0">And my landlady's "rights",</p> +<p class="i0">And the frequent fights</p> +<p class="i0">On wretched points</p> +<p class="i0">Of ends of joints,</p> +<p class="i0">Which disappear, with my brandy and beer,</p> +<p class="i0">In a way that, to say the least, is queer.</p> +<p class="i0">And to mingle among the throng I long,</p> +<p class="i0">And to poke my joke and warble my song—</p> +<p class="i0">But there's no one near</p> +<p class="i0">On sands or pier,</p> +<p class="i0">For everyone's gone and I'm left alone,</p> +<p class="i2">The Last of the Seaside Lodgers!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Note by Our Man Out of Town</span>—Watering places—resorts where the visitor +is pumped dry.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_074.png"> +<img src="images/i_074.png" width="100%" alt="A STARTLING PROPOSITION" /></a> +<h3>A STARTLING PROPOSITION</h3> +<p><i>Seedy Individual</i> (<i>suddenly and with startling vigour</i>)—</p> +<div class="poem w24"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Aoh! Floy with me ercross ther sea,</p> +<p class="i0">Ercross ther dork lergoon!!"</p> +</div></div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_076.png"> +<img src="images/i_076.png" width="100%" alt="CROWDED STATE OF LODGING HOUSES" /></a> +<h3>CROWDED STATE OF LODGING HOUSES</h3> +<p><i>Lodging-House Keeper.</i> "On'y this room to let, mem. A four-post—a +tent—and a very comfortable double-bedded chest of drawers for the +young gentlemen."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A WET DAY AT THE SEASIDE</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_075.png"> +<img src="images/i_075.png" width="100%" alt="FILEY" /></a> +<h3>FILEY</h3> +</div> + +<p>Why does not some benefactor to his species discover and publish to a +grateful world some rational way of spending a wet day at the seaside? +Why should it be something so unutterably miserable and depressing that +its mere recollection afterwards makes one shudder?</p> + +<p>This is the first really wet day that we have had for a fortnight, but +what a day! From morn to dewy eve, a summer's day, and far into the +black night, the pitiless rain has poured and poured and poured. I broke +the unendurable monotony of gazing from the weeping windows of my +seaside lodging, by rushing out wildly and plunging madly into the rainy +sea, and got drenched to the skin both going and returning. After +changing everything, as people say but don't mean, and thinking I saw +something like a break in the dull leaden clouds, I again rushed out, +and called on Jones, who has rooms in an adjacent terrace, and, with +some difficulty, persuaded him to accompany me to the only billiard +table in the miserable place. We both got gloriously wet on our way to +this haven of amusement, and were received with the pleasing +intelligence that it was engaged by a private party of two, who had +taken it until the rain ceased, and, when that most improbable event +happened, two other despairing lodgers had secured the reversion. +Another rush home, another drenching, another change of everything, +except the weather, brought the welcome sight of dinner, over which we +fondly lingered for nearly two mortal hours.</p> + +<p>But one cannot eat all day long, even at the seaside on a wet day, and +accordingly at four o'clock I was again cast upon my own resources.</p> + +<p>I received, I confess, a certain amount of grim satisfaction at seeing +Brown—Bumptious Brown, as we call him in the City, he being a common +councilman, or a liveryman, or something of that kind—pass by in a fly, +with heaps of luggage and children, all looking so depressingly +wet,—and if he had not the meanness to bring with him, in a half-dozen +hamper,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> six bottles of his abominable Gladstone claret! He grinned at +me as he passed, like a Chester cat, I think they call that remarkable +animal, and I afterwards learnt the reason. He had been speculating for +a rise in wheat, and, as he vulgarly said, the rain suited his book, and +he only hoped it would last for a week or two! Ah! the selfishness of +some men! What cared he about my getting wet through twice in one day, +so long as it raised the price of his wretched wheat?</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_083.png"> +<img src="images/i_083.png" width="100%" alt="SECURING A LIVELY-HOOD" /></a> +<h3>BOATMAN SECURING A LIVELY-HOOD</h3> +</div> + +<p>My wife coolly recommended me to read the second volume of a new novel +she had got from the Library, called, I think, <i>East Glynne</i>, or some +such name, but how can a man read in a room with four stout healthy boys +and a baby, especially when the said baby is evidently very +uncomfortable, and the four boys are playing at leap-frog? Women have +this wonderful faculty, my wife to a remarkable extent. I have often, +with unfeigned astonishment, seen her apparently lost in the sentimental +troubles of some imaginary heroine, while the noisy domestic realities +around her have gone on unheeded.</p> + +<p>I again took my place at the window, and gazed upon the melancholy sea, +and remembered, with a smile of bitter irony, how I had agreed to pay an +extra guinea a week for the privilege of facing the sea!—and such a +sea! It was, of course, very low water—it generally is at this charming +place; and the sea had retired to its extremest distance, as if utterly +ashamed of its dull, damp, melancholy appearance. And there stood that +ridiculous apology for a pier, with its long, lanky, bandy legs, on +which I have been dragged every evening to hear the band play. Such a +band! The poor wheezy cornet was bad enough, but the trombone, with its +two notes that it jerked out like the snorts of a starting train, was a +caution. Oh! that poor "<i>Sweetheart</i>", with which we were favoured every +evening! I always pictured her to myself sitting at a window listening, +enraptured, to a serenade from that trombone!</p> + +<p>But there's no band to-night, not a solitary promenader on the +bandy-legged pier, I even doubt if the pier master is sitting as usual +at the receipt of custom, and I pull down the blind, to shut out the +miserable prospect, with such an energetic jerk that I bring down the +whole complicated machinery, and nearly frighten baby into a fit, while +the four irreverent boys indulge in a loud guffaw.</p> + +<p>Thank goodness, on Saturday I exchange our miserable, wheezy, asthmatic +band for the grand orchestra of the Covent Garden Promenade Concerts, +and the awful perfume of rotten seaweed for the bracing atmosphere of +glorious London.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">An Outsider.</span> +</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_077.png"> +<img src="images/i_077.png" width="100%" alt="ON HIS HONEYMOON TOO" /></a> +<h3>ON HIS HONEYMOON TOO!</h3> +<p><i>Man with Sand Ponies.</i> "Now then, Mister, you an' the young lady, a +pony apiece? 'Ere y'are!"</p> +<p><i>Snobley</i> (<i>loftily</i>). "Aw—I'm not accustomed to that class of animal."</p> +<p><i>Man</i> (<i>readily</i>). "Ain't yer, sir? Ne' mind." (<i>To boy.</i>) "'Ere, Bill, +look sharp! Gent'll have a donkey!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<h2>SEASIDE SPLITTERS</h2> + +<center> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_078a.png"> +<img src="images/i_078a.png" width="100%" alt="LOW-TIED" /></a> +<h3>LOW-TIED</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_078b.png"> +<img src="images/i_078b.png" width="100%" alt="ROCKS" /></a> +<h3>ROCKS</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_078c.png"> +<img src="images/i_078c.png" width="100%" alt="SEE-WEED" /></a> +<h3>SEE-WEED</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_078d.png"> +<img src="images/i_078d.png" width="100%" alt="MUSCLE GATHERERS" /></a> +<h3>MUSCLE GATHERERS</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_078e.png"> +<img src="images/i_078e.png" width="100%" alt="A KNAW WESTER" /></a> +<h3>A KNAW WESTER</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_078f.png"> +<img src="images/i_078f.png" width="100%" alt="HIGH TIED" /></a> +<h3>HIGH TIED</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +</center> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_079.png"> +<img src="images/i_079.png" width="100%" alt="LIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT" /></a> +<h3>LIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT, BUT FOR ITS "PLEASURES."—<i>Sir +Cornewall Lewis</i></h3> +<p>In consequence of the English watering-places being crowded, people are +glad to find sleeping accommodation in the bathing-machines.</p> +<p><i>Boots</i> (<i>from Jones's Hotel</i>). "I've brought your shaving water, sir; +and you'll please to take care of your boots on the steps, gents: the +tide's just a comin' in!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_080.png"> +<img src="images/i_080.png" width="100%" alt="RETURNING HOME" /></a> +<h3>RETURNING HOME FROM THE SEASIDE</h3> +<p>All the family have colds, except the under-nurse, who has a face-ache. +Poor materfamilias, who originated the trip, is in despair at all the +money spent for nothing, and gives way to tears. Paterfamilias +endeavours to console her with the reflection that "<i>he</i> knew how it +would be, but that, after all, St. John's Wood, where they live, is such +a healthy place that, with care and doctoring, they <i>will soon be nearly +as well as if they had never left it</i>!"</p> +<p> [<i>Two gay bachelors may be seen contemplating paterfamilias and his +little group. Their interest is totally untinged with envy.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_081.png"> +<img src="images/i_081.png" width="100%" alt="OVERHEARD AT SCARBOROUGH" /></a> +<h3>OVERHEARD AT SCARBOROUGH</h3> +<p>"Do you know anything good for a cold?"</p> +<p>"Yes."</p> +<p>"What is it?"</p> +<p>"Have you got the price of two Scotch whiskies on you?"</p> +<p>"No."</p> +<p>"Then it's no use my telling you."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_082.png"> +<img src="images/i_082.png" width="100%" alt="Oh, all sorts" /></a> +<p><i>Snobson</i> (<i>to inhabitant of out-of-way seaside resort</i>). +"What sort of people do you get down here in the summer?"</p> +<p><i>Inhabitant.</i> "Oh, all sorts, zur. There be fine people an' common +people, an' some just half-an'-half, like yourself, zur."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_084.png"> +<img src="images/i_084.png" width="100%" alt="FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS" /></a> +<h3>THE OYSTERS AT WHITSTABLE FROZEN IN THEIR BEDS!</h3> +<center>(<i>See Daily Papers</i>)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_085.png"> +<img src="images/i_085.png" width="100%" alt="A DELICIOUS DIP" /></a> +<h3>A DELICIOUS DIP.</h3> +<p><i>Bathing Attendant.</i> "Here, Bill! The gent wants to be took out +deep—take 'im <i>into the drain</i>!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_086.png"> +<img src="images/i_086.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Baskerville's estate" /></a> +<p><i>She.</i> "How much was old Mr. Baskerville's estate sworn +at by his next-of-kin?"</p> +<p><i>He.</i> "Oh—a pretty good lot."</p> +<p><i>She.</i> "Really? Why, I heard he died worth hardly anything!"</p> +<p><i>He.</i> "Yes, so he did—that's just it."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_087.png"> +<img src="images/i_087.png" width="100%" alt="Do you smell the iodine" /></a> +<h3>EVIDENCE OLFACTORY</h3> +<p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>scientific</i>). "Do you smell the iodine from the sea, Edwin? +Isn't it refreshing?"</p> +<p><i>Old Salt</i> (<i>overhearing</i>). "What you smell ain't the sea, miss. It's +the town drains as flows out just 'ere!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_088.png"> +<img src="images/i_088.png" width="100%" alt="OBLIGING" /></a> +<h3>OBLIGING.</h3> +<p><i>Excursionist</i> (<i>to himself</i>). "Ullo! 'ere's one o' them artists. +'Dessay 'e'll want a genteel figger for 'is foreground. I'll <i>stand for +'im</i>!!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">True Dipsomania.</span>—Overbathing at the seaside.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> + +<h2>AN IDLE HOLIDAY.</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">When the days are bright and hot,</p> +<p class="i2">In the month of August,</p> +<p class="i0">When the sunny hours are not</p> +<p class="i2">Marred by any raw gust,</p> +<p class="i0">Then I turn from toil with glee,</p> +<p class="i2">Sing a careless canto,</p> +<p class="i0">And to somewhere by the sea</p> +<p class="i2">Carry my portmanteau.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Shall I, dreaming on the sand,</p> +<p class="i2">Pleased with all things finite,</p> +<p class="i0">Envy Jones who travels and</p> +<p class="i2">Climbs an Apennine height—</p> +<p class="i0">Climbs a rugged peak with pain,</p> +<p class="i2">Literally speaking,</p> +<p class="i0">Only to descend again</p> +<p class="i2">Fagged with pleasure-seeking?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Smith, who, worn with labour, went</p> +<p class="i2">Off for rest and leisure,</p> +<p class="i0">Races round the Continent</p> +<p class="i2">In pursuit of pleasure:</p> +<p class="i0">Having lunched at Bâle, he will</p> +<p class="i2">At Lucerne his tea take,</p> +<p class="i0">Riding till he's faint and ill,</p> +<p class="i2">Tramping till his feet ache.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Shall I, dreaming thus at home,</p> +<p class="i2">Left ashore behind here,</p> +<p class="i0">Envy restless men who roam</p> +<p class="i2">Seeking what I find here?</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> + +<p class="i0">Since beside my native sea,</p> +<p class="i2">Where I sit to woo it,</p> +<p class="i0">Pleasure always comes to me,</p> +<p class="i2">Why should I pursue it?</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_091.png"> +<img src="images/i_091.png" width="100%" alt="MURMUR OF THE TIED" /></a> +<h3>THE MURMUR OF THE TIED</h3> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Extra Special.</span>—<i>Paterfamilias</i> (<i>inspecting bill, to landlady</i>). I +thought you said, Mrs. Buggins, when I took these apartments, that there +were no extras, but here I find boots, lights, cruets, fire, +table-linen, sheets, blankets and kitchen fire charged.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Buggins.</i> Lor' bless you, sir, they're not extras, but +necessaries.</p> + +<p><i>Paterfamilias.</i> What, then, do you consider extras?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Buggins.</i> Well, sir, that's a difficult question to answer, but I +should suggest salad oil, fly-papers, and turtle soup.</p> + +<p> [<i>Paterfamilias drops the subject and pays his account.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_090.png"> +<img src="images/i_090.png" width="100%" alt="SUSPICION" /></a> +<h3>SUSPICION</h3> +<p><i>Stout Visitor</i> (<i>on discovering that, during his usual nap after +luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal practical joke</i>). +"It's one o' those dashed artists that are staying at the 'Lord Nelson' +'a' done this, I know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_092.png"> +<img src="images/i_092.png" width="100%" alt="wireless telegraphy" /></a> +<p><i>Aunt Jane.</i> "It's wonderful how this wireless telegraphy +is coming into use!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_093.png"> +<img src="images/i_093.png" width="100%" alt="DREAM OF THE SEA" /></a> +<h3>A DREAM OF THE SEA</h3> +<p>Ethel, who is not to have a seaside trip this year, dreams every night +that she and her mamma and aunt and sisters spread their sash-bows and +panniers and fly away to the yellow sands.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE MARGATE BATHING-WOMAN'S LAMENT</h2> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">It nearly broke my widowed art,</p> +<p class="i2">When first I tuk the notion,</p> +<p class="i0">That parties didn't as they used,</p> +<p class="i2">Take reglar to the ocean.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The hinfants, darling little soles,</p> +<p class="i2">Still cum quite frequent, bless 'em!</p> +<p class="i0">But they is only sixpence each,</p> +<p class="i2">Which hardly pays to dress 'em.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The reason struck me all at once,</p> +<p class="i2">Says I, "It's my opinion,</p> +<p class="i0">The grown-up folks no longer bathes</p> +<p class="i2">Because of them vile Sheenions."</p> +</div></div> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The last as cum drest in that style,</p> +<p class="i2">Says, as she tuk it horf her,</p> +<p class="i0">"I'm sure I shall not know the way</p> +<p class="i2">To re-arrange my quoffur!"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">By which she ment the ed of air,</p> +<p class="i2">Which call it wot they will, sir;</p> +<p class="i0">Cum doubtless off a convict at</p> +<p class="i2">Millbank or Pentonville, sir.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The Parliament should pass a law,</p> +<p class="i2">Which there's sufficient reason;</p> +<p class="i0">That folks as wear the Sheenions should</p> +<p class="i2">Bathe reg'lar in the season.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_094.png"> +<img src="images/i_094.png" width="100%" alt="A LANCASHIRE WATERING-PLACE" /></a> +<h3>A LANCASHIRE WATERING-PLACE</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> + +<h2>"MERRY MARGIT"</h2> + +<center>(<i>Another communication from the side of the dear sea waves</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_095.png"> +<img src="images/i_095.png" width="100%" alt="DEAL" /></a> +<h3>DEAL</h3> +</div> + +<p>I was told it was greatly improved—that there were alterations in the +sea-front suggestive of the best moments of the Thames Embankment—that +quite "smart" people daily paraded the pier. So having had enough of +"Urn-bye", I moved on. The improvements scarcely made themselves felt at +the railway station. Seemingly they had not attracted what Mr. Jeames +would call "the upper suckles." There were the customary British +middle-class matron from Peckham, looking her sixty summers to the full +in a sailor hat; the seaside warrior first cousin to the billiard-marker +captain with flashy rings, beefy hands, and a stick of pantomime +proportions, and the theatrical lady whose connection with the stage I +imagine was confined to capering before the footlights. However, they +all were there, as I had seen them any summer these twenty years.</p> + +<p>But I had been told to go to the Pier, and so to the Pier I went, +glancing on my way at the entertainers on the sands, many of whom I +found to be old friends. Amongst them was the "h"-less phrenologist, +whose insight into character apparently satisfied the parents of any +child whose head he selected to examine. Thus, if he said that a +particularly stupid-looking little boy would make a good architect, +schoolmaster, or traveller for fancy goods, a gentleman in an +alpaca-coat and a wide-awake hat would bow gratified acquiescence, a +demonstration that would also be evoked from a lady in a dust cloak, +when the lecturer insisted that a giggling little girl would make a +"first-rate dressmaker and cutter-out."</p> + +<p>Arrived at the Pier, I found there was twopence to pay for the privilege +of using the extension, which included a restaurant, a band, some +talented fleas, and a shop with a window partly devoted to the display +of glass tumblers, engraved with legends of an amusing character, such +as "Good old Mother-in-Law", "Jack's Night Cap", "Aunt Julia's Half +Pint", and so on. There were a number of seats and shelters, and below +the level of the shops was a landing-stage, at which twice a day two +steamers from or to London removed or landed passengers. During the rest +of the four-and-twenty hours it seemed to be occupied by a solitary +angler, catching chiefly seaweed. The Band, in spite of its uniform, was +not nearly so military as that at "Urn Bye." It contained a +pianoforte—an instrument upon which I found the young gentleman who +sold the programmes practising during a pause between the morning's +selection and the afternoon's performances. But still the Band was a +very tuneful one, and increased the pleasure that the presence of so +many delightful promenaders was bound to produce. Many of the ladies who +walked round and round, talking courteously to 'Arry in all his +varieties, wore men's <i>habits</i>, <i>pur et simple</i> (giving them the +semblance of appearing in their shirt-sleeves), while their heads were +adorned with fair wigs and sailor hats, apparently fixed on together.</p> + +<p>These free-and-easy-looking damsels did not seem to find favour in the +eyes of certain other ladies of a sedater type, who regarded them (over +their novels) with undisguised contempt. These other ladies, I should +think, from their conversation and appearance, must have been the very +flowers of the flock of Brixton Rise, and the <i>crème de la crême</i> of +Peckham Rye society. Of course there were a number of more or less known +actors and actresses from London, some of them enjoying a brief holiday, +and others engaged in the less lucrative occupation of "resting."</p> + +<p>However, the dropping of "h's", even to the accompaniment of sweet +music, sooner or later becomes monotonous, and so, after awhile, I was +glad to leave the Pier for the attractions of the Upper Cliff. On my way +I passed a Palace of Pleasure or Varieties, or Something wherein a +twopenny wax-work show seemed at the moment to be one of its greatest +attractions. This show contained a Chamber of Horrors, a scene full of +quiet humour of Napoleon the Third Lying in State, and an old effigy of +George the Third. The collection included the waxen head of a +Nonconformist minister, who, according to the lecturer, had been "wery +good to the poor", preserved in a small deal-box. There was also the +"Key-Dyevie" of Egypt, General Gordon, and Mrs. Maybrick. Tearing myself +away from these miscellaneous memories of the past, I ascended to the +East Cliff, which had still the "apartments-furnished" look that was +wont to distinguish it of yore. There was no change there; and as I +walked through the town, which once, as a watering-place, was second +only in importance to Bath,—which a century ago had for its M.C. a +rival of Beau Nash,—I could not help thinking how astonished the ghosts +of the fine ladies and gentlemen who visited "Meregate" in 1789 must be, +if they are able to see their successors of to-day—"Good Old Chawlie +Cadd", and Miss Topsie Stuart Plantagenet, <i>née</i> Tompkins.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<img src="images/i_096.png" width="100%" alt="Want a donkey" /> +<a href="images/i_096.png"></a> +<br /> +<p><i>Boy</i> (<i>to Brown, who is exceedingly proud of his +sporting appearance</i>). "Want a donkey, mister?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_097.png"> +<img src="images/i_097.png" width="100%" alt="NICE FOR THE VISITORS" /></a> +<h3>"NICE FOR THE VISITORS"</h3> +<center>(Sketch outside a fashionable hotel)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_098.png"> +<img src="images/i_098.png" width="100%" alt="INCORRIGIBLE" /></a> +<h3>INCORRIGIBLE</h3> +<p><i>Visitor.</i> "Well, my man, I expect it must have cost you a lot of money +to paint your nose that colour!"</p> +<p><i>Reprobate.</i> "Ah, an' if Oi cud affoord it, Oi'd have it <i>varnished</i> +now!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_099.png"> +<img src="images/i_099.png" width="100%" alt="NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE" /></a> +<h3>"NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE"</h3> +<p><i>Materfamilias</i> (<i>just arrived at Shrimpville—the children had been +down a month before</i>). "Well, Jane, have you found it dull?"</p> +<p><i>Nurse.</i> "It was at fust, M'm. There was nothink to improve the mind, +M'm, till the niggers come down!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_100.png"> +<img src="images/i_100.png" width="100%" alt="BY THE SAD SEA WAVES" /></a> +<h3>BY THE SAD SEA WAVES</h3> +<p>"But, are you sure?"</p> +<p>"Yus, lady. 'E's strong as an 'orse!"</p> +<p>"But how am I to get on?"</p> +<p>"Oh, <i>I'll lift yer</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_101.png"> +<img src="images/i_101.png" width="100%" alt="DELICATE ATTENTION" /></a> +<h3>DELICATE ATTENTION</h3> +<p><i>Confiding Spinster.</i> "I'm afraid the sea is too cold for me this +morning, Mr. Swabber."</p> +<p><i>Bathing Man.</i> "Cold, miss! Lor' bless yer, I just took and powered a +kittle o' bilin' water in to take the chill off when I see you a +comin'!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_102.png"> +<img src="images/i_102.png" width="100%" alt="HOLIDAY PLEASURES" /></a> +<h3>HOLIDAY PLEASURES</h3> +<p><i>Injured Individual.</i> "Heigho! I <i>did</i> think I should find some refuge +from the miseries of the seaside in the comforts of a bed! Just look +where my feet are, Maria!"</p> +<p><i>His Wife.</i> "<i>Well</i>, John! it's <i>only</i> for a <i>month</i>, you know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_103.png"> +<img src="images/i_103.png" width="100%" alt="BLIGHTED HOPES" /></a> +<h3>BLIGHTED HOPES</h3> +<p><i>Extract of letter from Laura to Lillie</i>:—"I declare, dear, I never +gave the absurd creature the slightest encouragement. I did say, one +evening, I thought the little sandy coves about Wobbleswick were +charming, especially one. <i>The idea!</i>—of his thinking I was alluding to +him!"—— &c., &c.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_104.png"> +<img src="images/i_104.png" width="100%" alt="SENSITIVE" /></a> +<h3>SENSITIVE</h3> +<p>"I think I told you, in my letter of the first of October, of his absurd +interpretation of an innocent remark of mine about the sandy shores of +Wobbleswick. Well, would you believe it, dear! we were strolling on the +Esplanade, the other day, when he suddenly left Kate and me, and took +himself off in a tremendous huff because we said we liked walking <i>with +an object</i>!!"</p> +<p> [<i>Extract from a later letter of Laura's to Lillie.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_105.png"> +<img src="images/i_105.png" width="100%" alt="No bathing to-day" /></a> +<h3>PREHISTORIC PEEPS</h3> +<center>"No bathing to-day!"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_106.png"> +<img src="images/i_106.png" width="100%" alt="residential flats" /></a> +<h3>PREHISTORIC PEEPS</h3> +<p>A Nocturne which would seem to show that "residential flats" were not +wholly unknown even in primeval times!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_107.png"> +<img src="images/i_107.png" width="100%" alt="we'll have a drink" /></a> +<p><i>Blinks.</i> "The sun 'll be over the yard-arm in ten +minutes. <i>Then</i> we'll have a drink!"</p> +<p><i>Jinks.</i> "I think I'll have one while I'm waiting!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_108.png"> +<img src="images/i_108.png" width="100%" alt="TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENT" /></a> +<h3>TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENT</h3> +<p><i>Tompkins</i> (<i>in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth time, with no +result</i>). "Chairman!!! chairman!!!"</p> +<p><i>That Awful Boy.</i> "Lydies and gentlemen——!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + +<h2>SEASIDE ASIDES</h2> + +<center>(<i>Paterfamilias in North Cornwall</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_109.png"> +<img src="images/i_109.png" width="100%" alt="man admiring view" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Oh! how delightful now at last to come</p> +<p class="i2">Away from town—its dirt, its degradation,</p> +<p class="i0">Its never-ending whirl, its ceaseless hum.</p> +<p class="i2">(A long chalks better, though, than sheer stagnation.)</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">For what could mortal man or maid want more</p> +<p class="i2">Than breezy downs to stroll on, rocks to climb up,</p> +<p class="i0">Weird labyrinthine caverns to explore?</p> +<p class="i2">(There's nothing else to do to fill the time up.)</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Your honest face here earns an honest brown,</p> +<p class="i2">You ramble on for miles 'mid gorse and heather,</p> +<p class="i0">Sheep hold athletic sports upon the down</p> +<p class="i2">(Which makes the mutton taste as tough as leather).</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The place is guiltless, too, of horrid piers.</p> +<p class="i2">And likewise is not Christy-Minstrel tooney;</p> +<p class="i0">No soul-distressing strains disturb your ears.</p> +<p class="i2">(A German band has just played "<i>Annie Rooney</i>".)</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The eggs as fresh as paint, the Cornish cream</p> +<p class="i2">The boys from school all say is "simply ripping."</p> +<p class="i0">The butter, so the girls declare, "a dream."</p> +<p class="i2">(The only baccy you can buy quite dripping.)</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> + +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">A happiness of resting after strife,</p> +<p class="i2">Where one forgets all worldly pain and sorrow,</p> +<p class="i0">And one contentedly could pass one's life.</p> +<p class="i2">(A telegram will take <i>me</i> home to-morrow.)</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Scene: Margate Beach on Easter Monday.</span>—<i>First Lady.</i> "Oh, here comes a +steamer. How high she is out of the water."</p> +<p><i>Second Lady.</i> "Yes, dear, but don't you see? It's because the tide's so +low."</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_110.png"> +<img src="images/i_110.png" width="100%" alt="The aristocratic Jones" /></a> +<h3>AWKWARD</h3> +<p><i>The aristocratic Jones</i> (<i>rather ashamed of his loud acquaintance, +Brown</i>). "You must excuse me, but if there's one thing in the world I +particularly object to, it's to having anybody take my arm!"</p> +<p><i>Brown.</i> "All right, old fellow!—<i>you</i> take <i>mine</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SEASIDE VISITOR'S VADE MECUM.</h2> + +<p><i>Question.</i> Is it your intention to leave London at once to benefit by +the ocean breezes on the English coast?</p> + +<p><i>Answer.</i> Certainly, with the bulk of my neighbours.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Then the metropolis will become empty?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Practically, for only about three and a half millions out of the +four millions will be left behind.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> What do you consider the remaining residuum?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> From a West End point of view a negligible quantity.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Do not some of the Eastenders visit the seaside?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Yes, at an earlier period in the year, when they pay rather more +for their accommodation than their neighbours of the West.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> How can this be, if it be assumed that the East is poorer than the +West?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> The length of the visit is governed by the weight of the purse. +Belgravia stays a couple of months at Eastbourne, while three days at +Margate is enough for Shoreditch.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Has a sojourn by the sea waves any disadvantages?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Several. In the first instance, lodgings are frequently expensive +and uncomfortable. Then there is always a chance that the last lodgers +may have occupied their rooms as convalescents. Lastly, it is not +invariably the case that the climate agrees with himself and his family.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> And what becomes of the house in town?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> If abandoned to a caretaker, the reception rooms may be used by her +own family as best chambers, and if let to strangers, the furniture may +be injured irretrievably.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> But surely in the last case there would be the certainty of +pecuniary indemnity?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Cherished relics cannot be restored by their commonplace value in +money.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> Then, taking one thing with another, the benefit of a visit to the +seaside is questionable?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Assuredly; and an expression of heartfelt delight at the +termination of the outing and the consequent return home is the +customary finish to the, styled by courtesy, holiday.</p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> But has not the seaside visit a compensating advantage?</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> The seaside visit has a compensating advantage of overwhelming +proportions, which completely swallows up and effaces all suggestions of +discomfort—it is the fashion.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_111.png"></a> +<img src="images/i_111.png" width="100%" alt="leave me alone" /> +<h3>PARIS?</h3> +<p>"Not if I know it! Give me a quiet month at the seaside, and leave me +alone, please!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_112.png"> +<img src="images/i_112.png" width="100%" alt="CONVERSATIONAL PITFALLS" /></a> +<h3>CONVERSATIONAL PITFALLS</h3> +<p><i>Irene.</i> "Do you remember Kitty Fowler?"</p> +<p><i>Her Friend.</i> "No, I don't."</p> +<p><i>Irene.</i> "Oh, you <i>must</i> remember Kitty. She was the plainest girl in +Torquay. But I forgot—that was after you left!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_113.png"> +<img src="images/i_113.png" width="100%" alt="I'm a temperance man" /></a> +<p><i>Visitor.</i> "Have you ever seen the sea-serpent?"</p> +<p><i>Boatman.</i> "No, sir. I'm a temperance man."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_114.png"> +<img src="images/i_114.png" width="100%" alt="Take care of the paint" /></a> +<h3>SEPARATE INTERESTS</h3> +<p><i>Husband.</i> "Hi! Maria! Take care of the paint!"</p> +<p><i>Painter.</i> "It don't matter, ma'am. It'll all 'ave to be painted +again!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_115.png"> +<img src="images/i_115.png" width="100%" alt="CAUTION" /></a> +<h3>CAUTION TO YOUNG LADIES WHO RIDE IN CRINOLINE ON DONKEYS</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_116.png"> +<img src="images/i_116.png" width="100%" alt="it's a little too dressy" /></a> +<h3>MARGATE</h3> +<p><i>Chatty Visitor.</i> "I like the place. I always come here. 'Worst of it +is, it's a little too dressy!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_117.png"> +<img src="images/i_117.png" width="100%" alt="UNLUCKY COMPLIMENTS" /></a> +<h3>UNLUCKY COMPLIMENTS</h3> +<p><i>Shy but Susceptible Youth.</i> "Er—<i>could</i> you tell me who that young +lady is—sketching?"</p> +<p><i>Affable Stranger.</i> "She has the misfortune to be my wife!"</p> +<p><i>Shy but Susceptible One</i> (<i>desperately anxious to please, and losing +all presence of mind</i>). "Oh—the misfortune's entirely <i>yours</i>, I'm +<i>sure</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Brilliant Suggestion</span> (<i>Overheard at the Seaside</i>).—<i>She.</i> "So much +nicer now that all the visitors have gone. Don't you think so?"</p> + +<p><i>He.</i> "Yes, by Jove! So jolly nice and quiet! Often wonder that +<i>everybody</i> doesn't come now when there's nobody here, don't you know!"</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_118.png"> +<img src="images/i_118.png" width="100%" alt="A NUISANCE" /></a> +<h3>A NUISANCE.</h3> +<p><i>Miss Priscilla.</i> "Yes; it's a beautiful view. But tourists are in the +habit of bathing on the opposite shore, and that's rather a drawback."</p> +<p><i>Fair Visitor.</i> "Dear me! but at such a distance as that—surely——"</p> +<p><i>Miss Priscilla.</i> "Ah, but with a <i>telescope</i>, you know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE SEASIDE PHOTOGRAPHER</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_119.png"> +<img src="images/i_119.png" width="100%" alt="Photographer taking picture" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I do not mean the Kodak fiend,</p> +<p class="i2">Who takes snap-shots of ladies dipping,</p> +<p class="i0">And gloats o'er sundry views he's gleaned</p> +<p class="i2">Of amatory couples "tripping."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">No, not these playful amateurs</p> +<p class="i2">I sing of, but the serious artist,</p> +<p class="i0">Who spreads upon the beach his lures,</p> +<p class="i2">What time the season's at its smartest.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">His tongue is glib, his terms are cheap,</p> +<p class="i2">For ninepence while you wait he'll take you;</p> +<p class="i0">Posterity shall, marv'lling, keep</p> +<p class="i2">The "tin-type" masterpiece he'll make you.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">What though his camera be antique,</p> +<p class="i2">His dark-room just a nose-bag humble,</p> +<p class="i0">What if his tripod legs are weak,</p> +<p class="i2">And threaten constantly to tumble.</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">No swain nor maiden can withstand</p> +<p class="i2">His invitation arch, insidious,</p> +<p class="i0">To pose <i>al fresco</i> on the strand—</p> +<p class="i2">His <i>clientèle</i> are not fastidious.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"You are so lovely", says the wretch,</p> +<p class="i2">"Your picture will be quite entrancing!"</p> +<p class="i0">And to the lady in the sketch</p> +<p class="i2">I overheard him thus romancing.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_120.png"> +<img src="images/i_120.png" width="100%" alt="THE RULING PASSION" /></a> +<h3>THE RULING PASSION</h3> +<p><i>Sir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere.</i> "Ah! Good morning, Mrs. Jones! +Dreadful accident just occurred. Poor young lady riding along the King's +Road—horse took fright—reared, and fell back upon her—dreadfully +injured, I'm sorry to say!"</p> +<p><i>Mrs. Woodbee Swellington Jones.</i> "<i>Quite</i> too shocking, dear Sir +Talbot! Was she—er—a person of position?"</p> +<p><i>Sir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere.</i> "<span class="smcap">Position</span>, by George!! Dooced +uncomfortable position, too, I should say!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_121.png"> +<img src="images/i_121.png" width="100%" alt="fetch me a baby" /></a> +<h3>FOR THE PUBLIC GOOD</h3> +<p><i>Bertie.</i> "Gertie, do just go back to the beach and fetch me a baby +(you'll find a lot about), and I'll show you all the different ways of +saving it from drowning!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ANNALS OF A WATERING-PLACE THAT HAS "SEEN ITS DAY"</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_123.png"> +<img src="images/i_123.png" width="100%" alt="TYNEMOUTH" /></a> +<h3>TYNEMOUTH</h3> +</div> + +<p>The weather which, in Mr. Dunstable's varied experience of +five-and-twenty years, he assures me, has never been so bad, having at +length afforded some indications of "breaking", I make the acquaintance, +through Mrs. Cobbler, of Mr. Wisterwhistle, proprietor of the one +bath-chair available for the invalid of Torsington-on-Sea, who, like +myself, stands in need of the salubrious air of that health-giving +resort, but who is ordered by his medical adviser to secure it with the +least possible expenditure of physical strength.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_129.png"> +<img src="images/i_129.png" width="100%" alt="INDIAMAN GOING INTO PORT" /></a> +<h3>INDIAMAN GOING INTO PORT</h3> +</div> + +<p>Both Mr. Wisterwhistle and his chair are peculiar in their respective +ways, and each has a decided<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> +history. Mr. Wisterwhistle, growing confidential over his antecedents, +says, "You see, sir, I wasn't brought up to the bath-chair business, so +to speak, for I began in the Royal Navy, under His Majesty King William +the Fourth. Then I took to the coastguard business, and having put by a +matter of thirty pound odd, and hearing 'she' was in the market",—Mr. +Wisterwhistle always referred to his bath-chair as 'she', evidently +regarding it from the nautical stand-point as of the feminine +gender,—"and knowing, saving your presence, sir, that old Bloxer, of +whom I bought her, had such a good crop of cripples the last season or +two, that he often touched two-and-forty shillings a week with 'em, I +dropped Her Majesty's service, and took to this 'ere. But, Lor, sir, the +business ain't wot it wos. Things is changed woeful at Torsington since +I took her up. Then from 9 o'clock, as you might say, to 6 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>, every +hour was took up; and, mind you, by real downright 'aristocracy',—real +live noblemen, with gout on 'em, as thought nothink of a two hours' +stretch, and didn't 'aggle, savin' your presence, over a extra sixpence +for the job either way. But, bless you, wot's it come to now? Why, she +might as well lay up in a dry dock arf the week, for wot's come of the +downright genuine invalid, savin' your presence, blow'd if I knows. One +can see, of course, sir, in arf a jiffy, as you is touched in the legs +with the rheumatics, or summat like it; but besides you and a old gent +on crutches from Portland Buildings, there ain't no real invalid public +'ere at all, and one can't expect to make a livin' out of you two; for +if you mean to do the thing ever so 'ansome, it ain't reasonable to +expect you and the old gent I was a referring to, to stand seven hours a +day goin' up and down the Esplanade between you, and you see even that +at a bob an hour ain't no great shakes when you come to pay for 'ousing +her and keepin' her lookin' spic and span, with all her brass knobs a +shining and her leather apron fresh polished with patent carriage +blackin': and Lor, sir, you'd not b'lieve me if I was to tell you what a +deal of show some parties expects for their one bob an hour. Why, it was +only the other day that Lady Glumpley (a old party with a front of black +curls and yaller bows in her bonnet, as I dare say you've noticed me a +haulin' up and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> down the Parade when the band's a playin'), says to me, +says she, 'It ain't so much the easygoin' of your chair, Mr. +Wisterwhistle, as makes me patronise it, as its general genteel +appearance. For there's many a chair at Brighton that can't hold a +candle to it!'" But at this point he was interrupted by the appearance +of a dense crowd that half filled the street, and drew up in silent +expectation opposite my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten I had +sent for him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has returned, +and brought with him <i>the One Policeman</i>!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Query at some Fashionable Seaside Resort.</span>—Do the unpleasant odours +noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide being high? +If so, is the tide sometimes higher than usual, as the—ahem!—odours +certainly are?</p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_122.png"> +<img src="images/i_122.png" width="100%" alt="PERIL" /></a> +<h3>PERIL!</h3> +<p><i>Gruff Voice</i> (<i>behind her—she thought she heard her own name</i>). "She's +a gettin' old, Bill, and she sartain'y ain't no beauty! But you and I'll +smarten her up! Give her a good tarrin' up to the waist, and a streak o' +paint, and they 'ont know her again when the folks come down a' +Whitsun'. Come along, and let's ketch 'old of her, and shove her into +the water fust of all!!"</p> +<p><i>Miss Isabella.</i> "Oh! the horrid wretches! No policeman in sight! +Nothing for it but flight!"</p> +<p> [Is off like a bird!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_124.png"> +<img src="images/i_124.png" width="100%" alt="PREHISTORIC PEEPS" /></a> +<h3>PREHISTORIC PEEPS</h3> +<p>There were even then quiet spots by the sea where one could be alone +with Nature undisturbed</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_125.png"> +<img src="images/i_125.png" width="80%" alt="A SENSE OF PROPERTY" /></a> +<h3>A SENSE OF PROPERTY</h3> +<p><i>Botanical Old Gent</i> (<i>in the Brighton Gardens</i>). "Can you tell me, my +good man, if this plant belongs to the 'Arbutus' family?"</p> +<p><i>Gardener</i> (<i>curtly</i>). "No, sir, it doan't. It b'longs to the +Corporation!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_126.png"> +<img src="images/i_126.png" width="100%" alt="THE MINOR ILLS OF LIFE" /></a> +<h3>THE MINOR ILLS OF LIFE</h3> +<p>Portrait of a gentleman attempting to regain his tent after the morning +bath</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_127.png"> +<img src="images/i_127.png" width="100%" alt="MERMAIDS' TOILETS IN '67" /></a> +<h3>MERMAIDS' TOILETS IN '67</h3> +<p><i>Blanche.</i> "I say, some of you, call after aunty! She has taken my +<i>chignon</i>, and left me her horrid black one!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_128.png"> +<img src="images/i_128.png" width="100%" alt="LOW TIDE ON SCARBOROUGH SANDS" /></a> +<h3>LOW TIDE ON SCARBOROUGH SANDS—BATHING UNDER DIFFICULTIES</h3> +<p>The captain, who is well up in his classics, translates, for his Fanny's +benefit, a celebrated Latin poem (by one Lucretius) to the effect that +it is sweet to gaze from the cliff at the bathing machines vainly +struggling to take the unfortunate bathers into deep water.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_130.png"> +<img src="images/i_130.png" width="100%" alt="SEASIDE PUZZLE" /></a> +<h3>SEASIDE PUZZLE</h3> +<p>To find your bathing-machine if you've forgotten the number.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_131.png"> +<img src="images/i_131.png" width="100%" alt="VENUS RISES FROM THE SEA" /></a> +<h3>VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Seaside Drama.</span>—<i>Mrs. de Tomkyns</i> (<i>sotto voce, to Mr. de T.</i>). +"Ludovic, dear, there's Algernon playing with a strange child! <i>Do</i> +prevent it!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. de T.</i> (<i>ditto, to Mrs. de T.</i>). "How on earth am I to prevent it, +my love?"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. de T.</i> "Tell its parents Algernon is just recovering from scarlet +fever, or something!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. de T.</i> "But it isn't true!"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. de T.</i> "Oh, never mind! Tell them, all the same!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. de T.</i> (<i>aloud</i>). "Ahem! Sir, you'd better not let your little girl +play with my little boy. He's only just recovering from—er—<i>Scarlet +Fever</i>!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins</i> (<i>together</i>). "It's all right, sir!—<i>so's our +little gal!</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_132.png"> +<img src="images/i_132.png" width="100%" alt="MIXED BATHING" /></a> +<h3>MIXED BATHING</h3> +<p><i>Fussy Landlady</i> (<i>to new Lodger</i>). "Well, sir, if you'll only tell me +when you want a bath, <i>I'll see you have it</i>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> + +<h2>BY THE SEASIDE</h2> + +<center>(<i>A Gasp and a Growl from Paterfamilias Fogey</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_133.png"> +<img src="images/i_133.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">In for it here,</p> +<p class="i2">Six weeks or more,</p> +<p class="i0">Once every year</p> +<p class="i2">(Yah, what a bore!)</p> +<p class="i0">Daughters and wife</p> +<p class="i2">Force me to bide</p> +<p class="i0">Mad to "see life"</p> +<p class="i2">By the seaside!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Go out of town</p> +<p class="i2">What if we do?</p> +<p class="i0">Hither comes down</p> +<p class="i2">All the world too;</p> +<p class="i0">Vanity Fair,</p> +<p class="i2">Fashion and Pride,</p> +<p class="i0">Seeking fresh air</p> +<p class="i2">By the seaside.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Drest up all hands—</p> +<p class="i2">Raiment how dear!—</p> +<p class="i0">Down on the sands,</p> +<p class="i2">Out on the Pier,</p> +<p class="i0">Pace to and fro,</p> +<p class="i2">See, as at Ryde,</p> +<p class="i0">Off how they show</p> +<p class="i2">By the seaside!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_135a.png"> +<img src="images/i_135a.png" width="100%" alt="TORQUAY" /></a> +<h3>TORQUAY (TALKEY)</h3> +</div> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Fops and fine girls,</p> +<p class="i2">Swarm, brisk as bees;</p> +<p class="i0">Ribbons and curls</p> +<p class="i2">Float on the breeze;</p> +<p class="i0">Females and males</p> +<p class="i2">Eye and are eyed;</p> +<p class="i0">Ogling prevails</p> +<p class="i2">By the seaside!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Daughters may see</p> +<p class="i2">Some fun in that.</p> +<p class="i0">Wife, how can she,</p> +<p class="i2">Grown old and fat?</p> +<p class="i0">Scene I survey</p> +<p class="i2">But to deride,</p> +<p class="i0">Idle display</p> +<p class="i2">By the seaside.</p> + +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Views within reach,</p> +<p class="i2">Picturesque scenes,</p> +<p class="i0">Rocks on the beach,</p> +<p class="i2">Bathing machines,</p> +<p class="i0">Shingle and pools,</p> +<p class="i2">Left by the tide,</p> +<p class="i0">Youth, far from schools,</p> +<p class="i2">By the seaside.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_135b.png"> +<img src="images/i_135b.png" width="100%" alt="HASTINGS" /></a> +<h3>HASTINGS</h3> +</div> + +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Artists may sketch,</p> +<p class="i2">Draw and design,</p> +<p class="i0">Pencil, or etch;</p> +<p class="i2">Not in my line.</p> +<p class="i0">Money, no end,</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst I am tied</p> +<p class="i0">Here, I must spend,</p> +<p class="i2">By the seaside!</p> +</div></div> +<br /><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_134.png"> +<img src="images/i_134.png" width="100%" alt="'ave a bit of supper" /></a> +<p><i>Snooks</i> (<i>to new acquaintance</i>). "Tell yer what, look in +one evenin' and 'ave a bit of supper, if you don't mind 'avin it in the +kitchen. Yer see, we're plain people, and don't put on no side. Of +course, I know as a toff like you 'ud 'ave it in the <i>drawing-room</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_136.png"> +<img src="images/i_136.png" width="100%" alt="GENTILITY IN GREENS" /></a> +<h3>GENTILITY IN GREENS</h3> +<p><i>Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she +remembers it years ago.</i></p> +<p><i>Greengrocer.</i> "Cabbage, mum!? We don't keep no second-class vegetables, +mum. You'll get it at the lower end o' the town!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> + +<h2>SEASIDE VIEWS</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_137.png"> +<img src="images/i_137.png" width="100%" alt="KINGSWEAR" /></a> +<h3>KINGSWEAR</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Tom Jones</i> (<i>in love</i>). The most heavenly place I ever was in. The sun +is warmer, the sky bluer, the sea the calmest I ever knew. Joy sparkles +on every pebble; Art spreads its welcome arms through every spray of +seaweed. True happiness encircles me on every breeze, and Beauty is by +my side.</p> + +<p><i>Old Jones.</i> Beastly slow. All sea and sky, and ugly round stones. You +can't bask in the sun because there is none—it's always raining—and +because the flints worry your back. Confound the children, scraping up +the wet sand and smelling seaweeds! It must be time for them to go to +bed or to lessons or something. Wherever you sit there is sure to be a +draught, and such heaps of old women you can't put your legs up on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> +seat. Hang it all, there isn't a young girl in the place, let alone +pretty ones.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_139.png"> +<img src="images/i_139.png" width="100%" alt="O-SHUN SHELLS" /></a> +<h3>O-SHUN SHELLS!</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Young Brown</i> (<i>waiting for a Commission</i>). Awfully dull. Quite too +excessively detestable. Not a fellow to talk to, you know, who knows +anything about the Leger, or draw-poker, or modern education, you know. +Can't get introduced to Lady Tom Peeper. Nobody to do it. Wish my +moustache would curl. Pull it all day, you know, but it won't come. Lady +Tom smiled, on the Parade to-day. Got very red, but I shall smile too +to-morrow. A man must do something in this dreadful place.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_143.png"> +<img src="images/i_143.png" width="100%" alt="A SANDY COVE" /></a> +<h3>A SANDY COVE</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Major Brown</i> (<i>Heavies</i>). Not half bad kind of diggings. Quite in +clover. Found Lydia here—I mean Lady Tom Peeper. Horribly satirical +woman, though. Keeps one up to the mark. I shall have to read up to keep +pace with her. I shouldn't like to be chaffed by her. Better friend than +enemy. Poor Tom Peeper! he must have a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> bad time of it! Can't say "Bo" +to a gosling. And she knows it. That's why he never comes down here. +Coast clear. Fancy she's rather sweet on me. By Jove! we had a +forty-mile-an-hour-express flirtation before her marriage! Must take +care what I'm about now. Mustn't have a collision with Tom—good old +man, after all, if he is a fool. Take this note round, Charles, to the +same place.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_141.png"> +<img src="images/i_141.png" width="100%" alt="CUTTER ON THE BEECH" /></a> +<h3>A CUTTER ON THE BEECH</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Mrs. Robinson</i> (<i>Materfamilias</i>). Scarcely room to swing a cot, for +baby. Thank goodness, all the children are on the beach. I hope Mary Ann +won't let out to the other nurses that Totty had the scarlet fever. He's +quite well now, poor little man, and no one will be any the worse for +it. Horrid! of course. No, it is not a Colorado beetle, Robinson. They +infest the curtains; we did not bring them with us in our trunks. Do go +out and buy some insect-powder, instead of looking stupid behind that +nasty cigar. Oh, and get some soap and some tooth-powder, and order +baby's tonic, and Jane's iron—mind, sesqui-sulphate of iron (I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> suppose +I must find the prescription), and a box of—what's that stuff for sore +throats? And do hire a perambulator with a hood. And we have no dessert +for to-morrow—you know, or you ought to know, it's Sunday. Some fruit, +and what you like. Oh! and don't forget some biscuits for the dog. What +has become of Tiny? Tiny! Tiny! I know he did not go with the children. +I dare say he has eaten something horrid, and is dying under a chair. +Dear! dear! who would be mother of a family with such a careless, +thoughtless, quite too utterly selfish husband as you are. Of course you +never remembered to-day was my birthday. I ought never to have been +born. A bracelet or a pair of ear-rings—or, by the way, I saw a lovely +châtelaine on the Parade. You might find enough to give me one pleasure +since our wedding.</p> + +<p><i>Robinson</i> (<i>Paterfamilias</i>). I like the seaside, I do. When will it be +over?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_138.png"> +<img src="images/i_138.png" width="100%" alt="A FRAGMENT" /></a> +<h3>A FRAGMENT</h3> +<center> +Augustus knows a certain snug retreat—<br /> +A little rocky cavern by the sea—<br /> +Where, sheltered from the rain (and every eye),<br /> +He fondly hopes to breathe his tale of love<br /> +Into his artless Arabella's ear!... +</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_140.png"> +<img src="images/i_140.png" width="100%" alt="A NEW SENSATION" /></a> +<h3>LONGING FOR A NEW SENSATION</h3> +<p><i>Jack</i> (<i>a naughty boy, who is always in disgrace, and most +deservedly</i>). "I say, Effie, do you know what I should like? I should +like to be accused of something I'd never done!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<img src="images/i_142.png" width="100%" alt="A LAMENT" /> +<h3>A LAMENT</h3> +<p><i>Dowager.</i> "It's been the worst season I can remember, Sir James! All +the men seem to have got married, and none of the girls!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_144.png"> +<img src="images/i_144.png" width="100%" alt="JOYS OF THE SEASIDE" /></a> +<h3>JOYS OF THE SEASIDE</h3> +<p><i>Brown.</i> "What beastly weather! And the glass is going steadily down!"</p> +<p><i>Local Tradesman.</i> "Oh, that's nothing, sir. The glass has no effect +whatever on <i>our</i> part of the coast!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE BETTER THE DAY, THE BETTER THE TALK!</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_145.png"> +<img src="images/i_145.png" width="100%" alt="BROAD-STARES" /></a> +<h3>BROAD-STARES</h3> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Any fashionable Watering-place where "Church Parade" is a +recognised institution.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>—<i>Sunday</i>, 1 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span> <i>Enter</i> Brown <i>and</i> Mrs. Brown, <i>who take +chairs</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> Good gracious! Look another way! Those odious people, the +Stiggingses, are coming towards us!</p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> Why odious? I think the girls rather nice.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Oh, <i>you</i> would, because men are so easily +taken in! Nice, indeed! Why, here's Major Buttons.</p> + +<p><i>B.</i> (<i>moving his head sharply to the right</i>). Don't see him! Can't +stand the fellow! I always avoid him at the Club!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Why? Soldiers are always such pleasant men.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>B.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Buttons a soldier! Years ago he was a +Lieutenant in a marching regiment, and now holds honorary rank in the +Volunteers! Soldier, indeed! Bless me! here's Mrs. Fitz-Flummery—mind +you don't cut her.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Yes, I shall; the woman is unsupportable. Did you ever see +<i>such</i> a dress. And she has changed the colour of her hair—again!</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_147.png"> +<img src="images/i_147.png" width="100%" alt="CURLEW" /></a> +<h3>CURLEW</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>B.</i> Whether she has or hasn't, she looks particularly pleasing.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>drily</i>). You were always a little eccentric in your taste! +Why, surely there must be Mr. Pennyfather Robson. How smart he looks! +Where <i>can</i> he have come from?</p> + +<p><i>B.</i> The Bankruptcy Court! (<i>Drily.</i>) You were never particularly famous +for discrimination. As I live, the Plantagenet Smiths!</p> + +<p> [<i>He bows with effusion.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> And the Stuart Joneses. (<i>She kisses her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> hand gushingly</i>). By +the way, dear, didn't you say that the Plantagenet Smiths were suspected +of murdering their uncle before they inherited his property?</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_149.png"> +<img src="images/i_149.png" width="100%" alt="ROW ME O" /></a> +<h3>ROW ME O!</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>B.</i> So it is reported, darling. And didn't you tell me, my own, that +the parents of Mr. Stuart Jones were convicts before they became +millionaires?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> So I have heard, loved one. (<i>Starting up.</i>) Come, Charley, we +must be off at once! The Goldharts! If they catch us, <i>she</i> is sure to +ask me to visit some of her sick poor!</p> + +<p><i>B.</i> And <i>he</i> to beg me to subscribe to an orphanage or a hospital! +Here, take your prayer-book, or people won't know that we have come from +church!</p> + +<p> [<i>Exeunt hurriedly.</i></p><br /><br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">At Scarborough.</span>—<i>Miss Araminta Dove.</i> Why do they call this the Spa?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Rhino-Ceros.</i> Oh! I believe the place was once devoted to boxing +exhibitions.</p> + +<p> [<i>Miss A.D. as wise as ever.</i></p> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_146.png"> +<img src="images/i_146.png" width="100%" alt="BY THE SAD SEA WAVES" /></a> +<h3>"BY THE SAD SEA WAVES"</h3> +<p><i>Landlady</i> (<i>who has just presented her weekly bill</i>). "I 'ope, ma'am, +as you find the bracing hair agree with you, ma'am, and your good +gentleman, ma'am!"</p> +<p><i>Lady.</i> "Oh, yes, our appetites are wonderfully improved! For instance, +at home we only eat two loaves a day, and I find, from your account, +that we can manage eight!"</p> +<p> [<i>Landlady feels uncomfortable.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_148.png"> +<img src="images/i_148.png" width="100%" alt="RATHER DIFFICULT" /></a> +<h3>RATHER DIFFICULT</h3> +<p>"Oh, I say, here comes that dismal bore, Bulkley! Let's pretend <i>we +don't see him</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_150.png"> +<img src="images/i_150.png" width="100%" alt="PESSIMISM" /></a> +<h3>PESSIMISM</h3> +<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>irritated by the preliminaries of composition and the too +close proximity of an uninteresting native</i>). "I think you needn't wait +any longer. There's really nothing to look at just now."</p> +<p><i>Native.</i> "Ay, an' I doot there'll <i>never</i> be muckle to look at there!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE DONKEY-BOYS OF ENGLAND</h2> + +<center>(<i>A Song for the Seaside</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p><img class="dropimg" src="images/i_151.png" alt="T" width="40%" /></p> +<p class="i0"><span class="dropcapa">T</span>he Donkey-Boys of England, how merrily they fly,</p> +<p class="i0">With pleasant chaff upon the tongue and cunning in the eye.</p> +<p class="i0">And oh! the donkeys in a mass how patiently they stand,</p> +<p class="i0">High on the heath of Hampstead, or down on Ramsgate's sand.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they reprove</p> +<p class="i0">The brute that won't "come over", with an impressive shove;</p> +<p class="i0">And oh! the eel-like animals, how gracefully they swerve</p> +<p class="i0">From side to side, but won't advance to spoil true beauty's curve.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The Donkey-Boys of England, how manfully they fight,</p> +<p class="i0">When a probable donkestrian comes suddenly in sight;</p> +<p class="i0">From nurse's arms the babies are clutch'd with fury wild,</p> +<p class="i0">And on a donkey carried off the mother sees her child.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they defy</p> +<p class="i0">The pleadings of a parent's shriek, the infant's piercing cry;</p> +<p class="i0">As a four-year-old <span class="smcap">Mazeppa</span> is hurried from the spot,</p> +<p class="i0">Exposed to all the tortures of a donkey's fitful trot.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The Donkey-Boys of England, how lustily they scream,</p> +<p class="i0">When they strive to keep together their donkeys in a team;</p> +<p class="i0">And the riders who are anxious to be class'd among genteels,</p> +<p class="i0">Have a crowd of ragged Donkey-boys "hallooing" at their heels.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The Donkey-Boys of England, how well they comprehend</p> +<p class="i0">The animal to whom they act as master, guide, and friend;</p> +<p class="i0">The understanding that exists between them who'll dispute—</p> +<p class="i0">Or that the larger share of it falls sometimes to the brute?</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/i_153.png"> +<img src="images/i_153.png" width="100%" alt="THE JETTY" /></a> +<h3>THE JETTY</h3> +</div> +<br /> +<p><span class="smcap">Seaside Acquaintances</span> (<span class="smcap">Scene</span>—The Shady Side of Pall Mall).—<i>Snob.</i> My +Lord, you seem to forget me. Don't you recollect our meeting this summer +at Harrogate?</p> + +<p><i>Swell.</i> My dear fellow, I do not forget it in the least. I recollect +vividly we swore eternal friendship at Harrogate, and should it be my +fate to meet you at Harrogate next year, I shall only be too happy to +swear it again.</p> + +<p> [<i>Lifts his chapeau, and leaves Snob in a state of the most speechless +amazement.</i></p> +<br /><br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_152.png"> +<img src="images/i_152.png" width="100%" alt="Portrait of a gentleman" /></a> +<p>Portrait of a gentleman who sent his wife and family to +the seaside, followed by a later train, and left their address behind.</p> +<p> [<i>Sketched after five hours' futile search for them.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_154.png"> +<img src="images/i_154.png" width="100%" alt="A VOICE FROM THE SEA" /></a> +<h3>A VOICE FROM THE SEA</h3> +<p>"O let me kiss him for his mother!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> + +<h2>REASONS FOR GOING TO BRIGHTON</h2> + +<center>(<i>By the Cynic who stays in London</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_155.png"> +<img src="images/i_155.png" width="100%" alt="HA! RICH" /></a> +<h3>"HA! RICH!"</h3> +</div> + +<p>Because "everybody" is there, and it is consequently so pleasant to see +St. John's Wood, Bayswater, and even Belgravia, so well represented on +the Esplanade.</p> + +<p>Because the shops in the King's Road are <i>nearly</i> as good as those to be +found in Regent Street.</p> + +<p>Because the sea does not <i>always</i> look like the Thames at Greenwich in a +fog.</p> + +<p>Because some of the perambulating bands play very nearly in tune.</p> + +<p>Because the Drive from the Aquarium to the New Pier is quite a mile in +length, and only grows monotonous after the tenth turn.</p> + +<p>Because watching fish confined in tanks is such rollicking fun.</p> + +<p>Because the Hebrews are so numerously represented on the Green.</p> + +<p>Because the Clubs are so inexpensive and select.</p> + +<p>Because the management of the Grand is so very admirable.</p> + +<p>Because it is so pleasant to follow the Harriers on a hired hack in +company with other hired hacks.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<p>Because the half-deserted Skating Rinks are so very amusing.</p> + +<p>Because it is so nice to hear second-rate scandal about third-rate +people.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_157.png"> +<img src="images/i_157.png" width="100%" alt="WESTON-SUPER-MARE" /></a> +<h3>WESTON-SUPER-MARE</h3> +</div> + +<p>Because the place is not always being visited by the scarlet fever.</p> + +<p>Because it is so cheerful to see the poor invalids taking their morning +airing in their bath-chairs.</p> + +<p>Because the streets are paraded by so many young gentlemen from the +City.</p> + +<p>Because the Brighton belles look so ladylike in their quiet Ulsters and +unpretending hats.</p> + +<p>Because the suburbs are so very cheerful in the winter, particularly +when it snows or rains.</p> + +<p>Because on every holiday the Railway Company brings down such a very +nice assortment of excursionists to fill the streets.</p> + +<p>Because Brighton in November is so very like Margate in July.</p> + +<p>Because, if you did not visit Brighton, you might so very easily go +farther and fare worse.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_156.png"> +<img src="images/i_156.png" width="100%" alt="BY THE SAD SEA WAVES" /></a> +<h3>SCENE—BY THE SAD SEA WAVES</h3> +<p><i>Tomkins, disconsolate on a rock, traces some characters upon the sand.</i> +<i>To him, Mrs. Tomkins</i> (<i>whose name is Martha</i>).</p> +<p><i>Mrs. T.</i> "Well, Mr. Tomkins, and pray who may Henrietta be?"</p> +<p> [<i>Tomkins utters a yell of despair, and falls prostrate.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_158.png"> +<img src="images/i_158.png" width="100%" alt="A VIKING ON MODERN FASHION" /></a> +<h3>A VIKING ON MODERN FASHION</h3> +<p>"What does t'lass want wi' yon <i>boostle</i> for? It aren't big enough to +<i>smoggle</i> things, and she can't <i>steer</i> herself wi' it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE TRIPPER</h2> + +<center>(<i>By a Resident</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">What does he come for?</p> +<p class="i2">What does he want?</p> +<p class="i0">Why does he wander thus</p> +<p class="i2">Careworn and gaunt?</p> +<p class="i0">Up street and down street with</p> +<p class="i2">Dull vacant stare,</p> +<p class="i0">Hither and thither, it</p> +<p class="i2">Don't matter where?</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">What does he mean by it?</p> +<p class="i2">Why does he come</p> +<p class="i0">Hundreds of miles to prowl,</p> +<p class="i2">Weary and glum,</p> +<p class="i0">Blinking at Kosmos with</p> +<p class="i2">Lack-lustre eye?</p> +<p class="i0">He doesn't enjoy it, he</p> +<p class="i2">Don't even try!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Sunny or soaking, it's</p> +<p class="i2">All one to him,</p> +<p class="i0">Wandering painfully—</p> +<p class="i2">Curious whim!</p> +<p class="i0">Gazing at china-shops,</p> +<p class="i2">Gaping at sea,</p> +<p class="i0">Guzzling at beer-shops, or</p> +<p class="i2">Gorging at tea.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Why don't he stay at home,</p> +<p class="i2">Save his train fare,</p> +<p class="i0">Soak at his native beer,</p> +<p class="i2">Sunday clothes wear?</p> +<p class="i0">No one would grudge it him,</p> +<p class="i2">No one would jeer.</p> +<p class="i0">Why does he come away?</p> +<p class="i2">Why is he here?</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figleft" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/i_159a.png"> +<img src="images/i_159a.png" width="100%" alt="BLACKPOOL" /></a> +<h3>BLACKPOOL</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figright" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/i_159b.png"> +<img src="images/i_159b.png" width="100%" alt="BRIGHTON" /></a> +<h3>BRIGHTON</h3> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figright" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/i_159c.png"> +<img src="images/i_159c.png" width="100%" alt="MARGATE" /></a> +<h3>MARGATE</h3> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_160.png"> +<img src="images/i_160.png" width="100%" alt="A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING" /></a> +<h3>A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING</h3> +<p><i>Landlady.</i> "I hope you slept well, sir?"</p> +<p><i>New Boarder.</i> "No, I didn't. I've been troubled with insomnia."</p> +<p><i>Landlady.</i> "Look here, young man. I'll give you a sovereign for every +one you find in that bed!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<img src="images/i_161.png" width="100%" alt="TOUCHING APPEAL" /> +<h3>TOUCHING APPEAL</h3> +<p><i>Testy Old Gent.</i> (<i>wearied by the importunities of the Brighton +boatmen</i>). "Confound it, man! Do I <i>look</i> as if I wanted a boat?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROBERT AT THE SEASIDE</h2> + +<p>I've bin spending my long Wacation of a fortnite at Northgate.</p> + +<p>Northgate's a nice quiet place, Northgate is, tho' it quite fails in +most things that constitoots reel injoyment at the seaside, such as +Bands and Niggers and Minstrels and all that.</p> + +<p>It's a grand place for weather, for it generally blows hard at +Northgate, and wen it doesn't blow hard it rains hard, which makes a +nice change, and a change is wot we all goes to the seaside for.</p> + +<p>It seems a werry favrite place for inwaleeds, for the place is full on +'em, Bath cheers is in great demand and all the seats on the Prade is +allus occypied by 'em.</p> + +<p>Dr. Scratchem too sends most of his favrite cases there, and you can't +walk on the Peer without facing lots on 'em.</p> + +<p>Brown says the place makes him as sollem as a Common Cryer, and he +hasn't had a good hearty larf since he came here, but then Brown isn't +quite sattisfied with his Lodgings, and has acshally recommended his +Land Lady to turn her house into the Norfolk Howard Hotel, <i>Unlimited</i>, +so perhaps she may account for his want of spirits. Northgate's rather a +rum place as regards the tide. Wen it's eye it comes all over the place +and makes such a jolly mess, and wen it's low it runs right out to sea +and you can't see it. Brown tried to persuade me as how as one werry eye +tide was a spring tide, but as it was in September I wasn't so green as +to beleeve that rubbish.</p> + +<p>It seems quite a pet place for Artists, I mean Sculpchers, at least I +s'pose they must be Sculpchers, and that they brings their Moddels with +'em, for the Bathing Machines is stuck close to the Peer, so dreckly +after breakfast the Moddels goes and bathes in the Sea, and the +Sculpchers goes on the Peer, and there's nothink to divert their +attention from their interesting studdys, and many on 'em passes ours +there quietly meditating among the Bathing Machines.</p> + +<p>Brown says, in his sarcastic way, it's the poor Sculpchers as comes +here, who can't afford to pay for their Moddels, so they comes here and +gets 'em free gratis for nothink.</p> + +<p>There's sum werry nice walks in the nayberhood but I never walks 'em, +for it seems to me that the grate joke of every Buysicler and Trysicler, +and the place swarms with 'em, is to cum quietly behind you and see how +close he can go by you without nocking you down. I'm sure the jumps +and the starts and the frites as I had the fust day or too kep my Art in +my mouth till I thort it would have choked me.</p> + +<p>How Ladys, reel Ladys too, can expose theirselves on such things I can't +make out. I herd a young Swell say that wot with them and what with the +Bathing Moddels it was as good as a Burlesk!</p> + +<p>We've got werry cumferrabel Lodgings, we have, just opposite the Gas +Works and near a Brick Field. When the wind is South or West we smells +the bricks and when its East we smells the Gas, but when its doo North +we don't smell nuffen excep just a trifle from the Dranes, and so long +as we keeps quite at the end of the werry long<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> Peer we don't smell +nuffen at all excep the sea weed.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_169.png"> +<img src="images/i_169.png" width="100%" alt="LIGHT PUFFS RAISED A LITTLE SWELL" /></a> +<h3>LIGHT PUFFS RAISED A LITTLE SWELL</h3> +</div> + +<p>Our Landlord's a werry respeckabel man and the Stoker on our little +Railway, and so werry fond of nussing our little children that they are +allus as black as young Sweeps. Their gratest treat is to go with him to +the Stashun and stand on the ingin when they are shuntin, so preshus +little they gits of the sea breezes.</p> + +<p>We've had a fust rate Company staying here. I've seen no less than 2 +Aldermen, and 1 Warden of a City Compny, but they didn't stay long. I +don't think the living was good enuff for 'em. It must be a werry trying +change, from every luxery that isn't in season, to meer beef and mutton +and shrimps! and those rayther course.</p> + +<p>I think our Boatmen is about the lazyest set of fellows as ever I seed. +So far from begging on you to have a soft Roe with the Tide, or a hard +Roe against it, they makes all sorts of egscewses for not taking you, +says they're just a going to dinner, or they thinks the wind's a +gitting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> up, or there ain't enough water!</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_171.png"> +<img src="images/i_171.png" width="100%" alt="HEAVY SWELL ON THE BAR" /></a> +<h3>HEAVY SWELL ON THE BAR</h3> +</div> + +<p>Not enuff water in the Sea to flote a Bote! wen any one could see as +there was thousands of galluns there.</p> + +<p>I saw some on 'em this mornin bringin in sum fish, and asked the price +of a pair of Souls, but they axshally said they didn't dare sell one, +for every man Jack of 'em must be sent to Billingsgate! but werry likely +sum on 'em might be sent back again in the arternoon, and then I could +get some at the Fishmonger's!</p> + +<p>What a nice derangemunt!</p> + +<p>There was the butiful fresh fish reddy for eating, there was me and my +family reddy to eat 'em, but no, they must be packed in boxes and +carried to the Station and then sent by Rale to London, and then sent by +Wan to Billingsgate, and that takes I'm told ever so many hours, and +then carried back to the London Stashun, and then sent by Rale to +Northgate, and then carried from the Stashun to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> the Fishmonger's, and +then I'm allowed to buy 'em!</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_173.png"> +<img src="images/i_173.png" width="100%" alt="THE BELL BUOY" /></a> +<h3>THE BELL BUOY</h3> +</div> + +<p>Well if that isn't a butiful business like arrangement, my Lord Mare, I +should like to know what is.</p> + +<p>However, as I wunce herd a Deputy say, when things cums to their wust, +things is sure to mend, and I don't think that things can be much wusser +than that.</p> + +<p class="author"> +(<i>Signed</i>) <span class="smcap">Robert.</span><br /> +</p> +<br /><br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Spirit of the Thing.</span>—<i>Landlady</i> (<i>to shivering lodger</i>). No, sir, I +don't object to your dining at a restorong, nor to your taking an +'apenny paper, but I must resent your constant 'abit of locking up your +whiskey, thereby himplying that me, a clergyman's daughter, is prone to +larceny.</p> + +<p> [<i>Lodger immediately hands her the key as a guarantee of good faith.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_162.png"> +<img src="images/i_162.png" width="100%" alt="THE BORES OF THE BEACH" /></a> +<h3>THE BORES OF THE BEACH</h3> +<p>So! as it's a fine day, you'll sit on the beach and read the paper +comfortably, will you? Very good! Then we recommend you to get what +guinea-pigs, brandy-balls, boats, and children's socks, to say nothing +of shell-workboxes, lace collars, and the like you may want, before you +settle down.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_163.png"> +<img src="images/i_163.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Dan Briggs himself" /></a> +<p>"Excuse me, sir. I seem to have met you before. Are you +not a relative of Mr. Dan Briggs?"</p> +<p>"No, madam. I <i>am</i> Mr. Dan Briggs himself."</p> +<p>"Ah, then that explains the remarkable resemblance!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_164.png"> +<img src="images/i_164.png" width="100%" alt="ACCOMMODATING" /></a> +<h3>ACCOMMODATING</h3> +<p><i>Lodger.</i> "And then, there's that cold pheasant, Mrs. Bilkes"——</p> +<p><i>Landlady.</i> "Yes'm, and if you should have enough without it, lor', Mr. +Bilkes wouldn't mind a eatin' of it for his supper, if that's all."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_165.png"> +<img src="images/i_165.png" width="100%" alt="Might I ask how much you gave" title="" /></a> +<p><i>Mrs. Brown.</i> "Might I ask how much you gave that +nigger?"</p> +<p><i>Mr. Brown</i> (<i>first day down</i>). "Sixpence."</p> +<p><i>Mrs. B.</i> "Oh, indeed! Perhaps, sir, you are not aware that your wife +and family have listened to those same niggers for the last ten days for +a <i>penny</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_166.png"> +<img src="images/i_166.png" width="100%" alt="PLEASURES OF THE SEASIDE" /></a> +<h3>PLEASURES OF THE SEASIDE</h3> +<p><i>Mermaiden.</i> "I am told you keep a circulating library?"</p> +<p><i>Librarian.</i> "Yes, miss. <i>There</i> it is! Subscription, two shillings +a-week; one volume at a time; change as often as you please! Would you +like to see a catalogue?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_167.png"> +<img src="images/i_167.png" width="100%" alt="AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION" /></a> +<h3>AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION</h3> +<p><i>Polite Little Girl</i> (<i>suddenly</i>). "This is my mamma, sir. Will you +please sing her, 'It's the seasoning wot does it!'"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_168.png"> +<img src="images/i_168.png" width="100%" alt="OUT OF TOWN" /></a> +<h3>OUT OF TOWN (UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE)</h3> +<p><i>Visitor.</i> "What a roaring trade the hotels will be doing, with all +these holiday folk!"</p> +<p><i>Head waiter at The George.</i> "Lor bless yer, sir, no! They all bring +their nosebags with 'em!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_170a.png"> +<img src="images/i_170a.png" width="100%" alt="SEASIDE STUDIES" /></a> +<h3>SEASIDE STUDIES</h3> +<p><i>Wandering Minstrel.</i> "Gurls! I'm a doocid fine cha-appie!" &c., &c.]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_170b.png"> +<img src="images/i_170b.png" width="100%" alt="prefer bathing from the beach" /></a> +<p>Wiggles and Sprott prefer bathing from the beach to +having a stuffy machine. They are much pleased with the delicate little +attention indicated above!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_172.png"> +<img src="images/i_172.png" width="100%" alt="A QUIET DRIVE BY THE SEA" /></a> +<h3>A QUIET DRIVE BY THE SEA</h3> +<p>A Brighton bath-chairman's idea of a suitable route for an invalid lady</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> + +<h2>A SEASIDE ROUNDEL</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">On the sands as loitering I stand</p> +<p class="i2">Where my point of view the scene commands,</p> +<p class="i0">I survey the prospect fair and grand</p> +<p class="i10">On the sands.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Niggers, half a dozen German bands,</p> +<p class="i2">Photographic touts, persistent, bland,</p> +<p class="i0">Chiromancers reading dirty hands,</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Nursemaids, children, preachers, skiffs that land</p> +<p class="i2">Trippers with cigars of fearful brands,</p> +<p class="i0">Donkeys—everything, in short, but sand—</p> +<p class="i10">On the sands.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_174.png"> +<img src="images/i_174.png" width="100%" alt="THE LETTER BUT NOT THE SPIRIT" /></a> +<h3>THE LETTER BUT NOT THE SPIRIT</h3> +<p>Old Mr. de Cramwell, being bilious and out of sorts, is ordered to go to +the sea, and take plenty of exercise in the open air. (He begins at +once.)</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> + +<h2>COMMON OBJECTS OF THE SEASHORE</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_175.png"> +<img src="images/i_175.png" width="100%" alt="TAKING A ROW" /></a> +<h3>TAKING A ROW</h3> +</div> + +<p>The "disguised minstrel", believed by the public to be a peer of the +realm collecting coin for a charity, but who is in reality the +sentimental singer from a perambulating troop of nigger banjoists, +"working on his own."</p> + +<p>The preacher whose appreciation of the value of logic and the aspirate +is on a par.</p> + +<p>The intensely military young man whose occupation during eleven months +in the year is the keeping of ledgers in a small city office.</p> + +<p>The artist who guarantees a pleasing group of lovers for sixpence, frame +included.</p> + +<p>The band that consists of a cornet, a trombone, a clarionet, some bass, +and a big drum, which is quite as effective (thanks to the trombone) +when all the principals have deserted in search of coppers.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> + +<p>And last (and commonest of all) the cockney who, after a week's +experience of the discomforts of the seaside, is weary of them, and +wants to go home.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A WINDY CORNER AT BRIGHTON</h2> + +<center>(<i>By an Impressionist</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Old lady first, with hair like winter snows,</p> +<p class="i10">Makes moan.</p> +<p class="i0">And struggles. Then, with cheeks too richly rose,</p> +<p class="i10">A crone,</p> +<p class="i0">Gold hair, new teeth, white powder on her nose;</p> +<p class="i10">All bone</p> +<p class="i0">And skin; an "Ancient Mystery", like those</p> +<p class="i10">Of Hone.</p> +<p class="i0">Then comes a girl; sweet face that freshly glows!</p> +<p class="i10">Well grown.</p> +<p class="i0">The neat cloth gown her supple figure shows</p> +<p class="i10">Now thrown</p> +<p class="i0">In lines of beauty. Last, in graceless pose,</p> +<p class="i10">Half prone,</p> +<p class="i0">A luckless lout, caught by the blast, one knows</p> +<p class="i10">His tone</p> +<p class="i0">Means oaths; his hat, straight as fly crows,</p> +<p class="i10">Has flown.</p> +<p class="i0">I laugh at him, and—— Hi! By Jove, there goes</p> +<p class="i10">My own!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ON THE SANDS</h2> + +<center>(<i>A Sketch at Margate</i>)</center> + +<blockquote><p><i>Close under the Parade wall a large circle has been formed, +consisting chiefly of Women on chairs and camp-stools, with an +inner ring of small Children, who are all patiently awaiting the +arrival of a troupe of Niggers. At the head of one of the flights +of steps leading up to the Parade, a small and shrewish Child-nurse +is endeavouring to detect and recapture a pair of prodigal younger +Brothers, who have given her the slip.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Sarah</i> (<i>to herself</i>). Wherever can them two plegs have got to? +(<i>Aloud; drawing a bow at a venture.</i>) Albert! 'Enery! Come up 'ere this +minnit. <i>I</i> see yer!</p> + +<p><i>'Enery</i> (<i>under the steps—to Albert</i>). I say—d'ye think she +<i>do</i>?—'cos if——</p> + +<p><i>Albert.</i> Not she! Set tight.</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They sit tight.</i></p> + +<p><i>Sarah</i> (<i>as before</i>). 'Enery! Albert! You've bin and 'alf killed little +Georgie between yer!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>'Enery</i> (<i>moved, to Albert</i>). Did you 'ear that, Bert? It wasn't <i>me</i> +upset him—was it now?</p> + +<p><i>Albert</i> (<i>impenitent</i>). 'Oo cares? The Niggers'll be back direckly.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_178.png"> +<img src="images/i_178.png" width="100%" alt="STOPPING AT A WATERING PLACE" /></a> +<h3>STOPPING AT A WATERING PLACE</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Sarah.</i> Al-bert! 'Enery! Your father's bin down 'ere once after you. +You'll <i>ketch</i> it!</p> + +<p><i>Albert (sotto voce).</i> Not till father ketches <i>us</i>, we shan't. Keep +still, 'Enery—we're all right under 'ere!</p> + +<p><i>Sarah</i> (<i>more diplomatically</i>). 'Enery! Albert! Father's bin and left a +'ap'ny apiece for yer. Ain't yer comin' up for it? If yer don't want it, +why, stay where you are, that's all!</p> + +<p><i>Albert</i> (<i>to 'Enery</i>). I <i>knoo</i> we 'adn't done nothin'. An' I'm goin' +up to git that 'ap'ny, I am.</p> + +<p><i>'Enery.</i> So 'm I.</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They emerge, and ascend the steps—to be pounced upon immediately by +the ingenious Sarah.</i></p> + +<p><i>Sarah.</i> 'Ap'ny, indeed! You won't git no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> 'apence <i>'ere</i>, I can tell +yer—so jest you come along 'ome with me!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Exeunt Albert and 'Enery, in captivity, as the Niggers enter the +circle.</i></p> + +<p><i>Bones.</i> We shall commence this afternoon by 'olding our Grand Annual +Weekly Singing Competition, for the Discouragement of Youthful Talent. +Now then, which is the little gal to step out first and git a medal? +(<i>The Children giggle, but remain seated.</i>) Not one? Now I arsk +<i>you</i>—What <i>is</i> the use o' me comin' 'ere throwin' away thousands and +thousands of pounds on golden medals, if you won't take the trouble to +stand up and sing for them? Oh, you'll make me so wild, I shall begin +spittin' 'alf-sovereigns directly—I <i>know</i> I shall! (<i>A little Girl in +a sun-bonnet comes forward.</i>) Ah, 'ere's a young lady who's bustin' with +melody, <i>I</i> can see. Your name, my dear? Ladies and Gentlemen, I have +the pleasure to announce that Miss Connie Cockle will now appear. Don't +curtsey till the Orchestra gives the chord. (<i>Chord from the +harmonium—the Child advances, and curtsies with much aplomb.</i>) Oh, lor! +call <i>that</i> a curtsey—that's a <i>cramp</i>, that is! Do it all over again! +(<i>The Child obeys, disconcerted.</i>) That's <i>worse</i>! I can see the s'rimps +blushin' for yer inside their paper bags! Now see Me do it. (<i>Bones +executes a caricature of a curtsey, which the little Girl copies with +terrible fidelity.</i>) That's <i>ladylike</i>—that's genteel. Now sing <i>out</i>! +(<i>The Child sings the first verse of a popular music-hall song, in a +squeaky little voice.</i>) Talk about nightingales! Come 'ere, and receive +the reward for extinguished incapacity. On your knees! (<i>The little Girl +kneels before him while a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> tin medal is fastened upon her frock.</i>) Rise, +Sir Connie Cockle! Oh, you <i>lucky</i> girl!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>The Child returns, swelling with triumph, to her companions, +several of whom come out, and go through the same performance, with +more or less squeakiness and self-possession.</i></p></blockquote> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_181.png"> +<img src="images/i_181.png" width="100%" alt="EAST-BORN" /></a> +<h3>EAST-BORN</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>First Admiring Matron</i> (<i>in audience</i>). I do like to see the children +kep' out o' mischief like this, instead o' goin' paddling and messing +about the sands!</p> + +<p><i>Second Ad. Mat.</i> Just what <i>I</i> say, my dear—they're amused and +edjucated 'ow to beyave at the same time!</p> + +<p><i>First Politician</i> (<i>with the "Standard"</i>). No, but look here—when +Gladstone was asked in the House whether he proposed to give the Dublin +Parliament the control of the police, what was his answer. Why....</p> + +<p><i>The Niggers</i> (<i>striking up chorus</i>). "'Rum-tumty diddly-umty +doodah-dey! Rum-tumty-diddly-um was all that he could say. And the +Members and the Speaker joined together in the lay. Of +'Rum-tumty-diddly-umty doodah-dey!'"</p> + +<p><i>Second Pol.</i> (<i>with the "Star"</i>). Well, and what more would you have +<i>'ad</i> him say? Come, now!</p> + +<p><i>Alf</i> (<i>who has had quite enough ale at dinner—to his fiancée</i>). These +Niggers ain't up to much Loo. Can't sing for <i>nuts</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Chorley</i> (<i>his friend, perfidiously</i>). You'd better go in and show 'em +how, old man. Me and Miss<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> Serge'll stay and see you take the shine out +of 'em!</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/i_183.png"> +<img src="images/i_183.png" width="100%" alt="WEST-BORN" /></a> +<h3>WEST-BORN</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Alf.</i> P'raps you think I can't. But, if I was to go upon the 'Alls now, +I should make my fortune in no time! Loo's 'eard me when I've been in +form, and she'll tell you——</p> + +<p><i>Miss Serge.</i> Well, I will say there's +many a professional might learn a lesson from Alf—whether Mr. Perkins +believes it or not.</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Cuttingly, to "Chorley</i>."</p> + +<p><i>Chorley.</i> Now reelly, Miss Loo, don't come down on a feller like that. +I want to see him do you credit, that's all, and he couldn't 'ave a +better opportunity to distinguish himself—now <i>could</i> he?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Serge.</i> <i>I'm</i> not preventing him. But I don't know—these Niggers +keep themselves very select, and they might object to it.</p> + +<p><i>Alf.</i> I'll soon square <i>them</i>. You keep your eye on me, and I'll make +things a bit livelier!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>He enters the circle.</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss Serge</i> (<i>admiringly</i>). He has got a cheek, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> must say! Look at +him, dancing there along with those two Niggers—they don't hardly know +what to make of him yet!</p> + +<p><i>Chorley.</i> Do you notice how they keep kicking him beyind on the sly +like? I wonder he puts up with it!</p> + +<p><i>Miss S.</i> He'll be even with them presently—you see if he isn't.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Alf attempts to twirl a tambourine on his finger, and lets it +fall; derision from audience; Bones pats him on the head and takes +the tambourine away—at which Alf only smiles feebly.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Chorley.</i> It's a pity he gets so 'ot dancing, and he don't seem to keep +in step with the others.</p> + +<p><i>Miss S.</i> (<i>secretly disappointed</i>). He isn't used to doing the +double-shuffle on sand, that's all.</p> + +<p><i>The Conductor.</i> Bones, I observe we have a recent addition to our +company. Perhaps he'll favour us with a solo. (<i>Aside to Bones.</i>) 'Oo +<i>is</i> he? 'Oo let him in 'ere—<i>you</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Bones.</i> <i>I</i> dunno. I thought <i>you</i> did. Ain't he stood nothing?</p> + +<p><i>Conductor.</i> Not a brass farden!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 35%"> +<a href="images/i_185.png"> +<img src="images/i_185.png" width="100%" alt="Long lost son." /></a> +</div> + +<p><i>Bones</i> (<i>outraged</i>). All right, you leave him to me. (<i>To Alf.</i>) Kin it +be? That necktie! them familiar coat-buttons! that paper-dicky! You +are—you <i>are</i> my long-lost convick son, 'ome from Portland! Come to +these legs! (<i>He embraces Alf, and smothers him with kisses.</i>) Oh, +you've been and rubbed off some of your cheek on my complexion—you +<i>dirty</i> boy! (<i>He playfully "bashes" Alf's hat in.</i>) Now show the +comp'ny how pretty you can sing. (<i>Alf attempts a music-hall ditty, in +which he, not unnaturally, breaks down.</i>) It ain't my son's fault, +Ladies and Gentlemen, it's all this little gal in front here, lookin' at +him and makin' him shy! (<i>To a small Child, severely.</i>) You oughter know +<i>worse</i>, you ought! (<i>Clumps of seaweed and paper-balls are thrown at +Alf who by this time is looking deplorably warm and foolish.</i>) Oh, what +a popilar fav'rite he is, to be sure!</p> + +<p><i>Chorley</i> (<i>to Miss S.</i>). Poor fellow, he ain't no match for those +Niggers—not like he is now! Hadn't I better go to the rescue, Miss Loo?</p> + +<p><i>Miss S.</i> (<i>pettishly</i>). I'm sure I don't care <i>what</i> you do.</p> + +<p class="regads">[<i>"Chorley" succeeds, after some persuasion, in removing the unfortunate +Alf.</i></p> + +<p><i>Alf</i> (<i>rejoining his fiancée with a grimy face, a smashed hat, and a +pathetic attempt at a grin</i>). Well? I <i>done</i> it, you see!</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_189.png"> +<img src="images/i_189.png" width="100%" alt="TAKING IN SAIL" /></a> +<h3>TAKING IN SAIL</h3> +</div> + +<p><i>Miss S.</i> (<i>crushingly</i>). Yes, you <i>have</i> done it! And the best thing +you can do now, is to go home and wash your face. <i>I</i> don't care to be +seen about with a <i>laughing-stock</i>, I can assure you!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> I've had my +dignity lowered quite enough as it is!</p> + +<p><i>Alf.</i> But look 'ere, my dear girl, I can't leave you here all by +yourself you know!</p> + +<p><i>Miss S.</i> I dare say Mr. Perkins will take care of me.</p> + +<p>[<i>Mr. P. assents, with effusion.</i></p> + +<p><i>Alf</i> (<i>watching them move away—with bitterness</i>). I wish all Niggers +were put down by Act of Parliament, I do! Downright noosances—that's +what <i>they</i> are!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Delays Are Dangerous.</span>—<i>Young Housekeeper.</i> "I'm afraid those soles I +bought of you yesterday were not fresh. My husband said they were not +nice at all!"</p> + +<p><i>Brighton Fisherman.</i> "Well, marm, that be your fault—it bean't mine. +I've offered 'em yer every day this week, and you might a' 'ad 'em o' +Monday if you'd a loiked!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">At Margate.</span>—<i>Angelina</i> (<i>very poetical, surveying the rolling ocean</i>). +"Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink."</p> + +<p><i>Edwin</i> (<i>very practical</i>). No drink! Now, hang it all, Angy, if I've +asked you once I've asked you three times within the last five minutes +to come and do a split soda and whiskey! And <i>I</i> can do with it!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_180.png"> +<img src="images/i_180.png" width="100%" alt="LAST DAY AT THE SEASIDE" /></a> +<h3>THE LAST DAY AT THE SEASIDE—PACKING UP</h3> +<p><i>Maid</i> (<i>to Paterfamilias</i>). "Please, sir, missus say you're to come in, +and sit on the boxes; because we can't get 'em to, and they wants to be +corded."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_182.png"> +<img src="images/i_182.png" width="100%" alt="a soldier, like you" /></a> +<p><i>The General.</i> "And what are you going to be when you +grow up, young man?"</p> +<p><i>Bobbie.</i> "Well, I can't quite make up my mind. I don't know which would +be nicest—a soldier, like you, or a sailor, like Mr. Smithers."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_186.png"> +<img src="images/i_186.png" width="100%" alt="THEM ARTISES" /></a> +<h3>"THEM ARTISES!"</h3> +<p><i>Lady Artist.</i> "Do you belong to that ship over there?"</p> +<p><i>Sailor.</i> "Yes, miss."</p> +<p><i>Lady Artist.</i> "Then would you mind loosening all those ropes? They are +much too tight, and, besides, I can't draw straight lines!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_187.png"> +<img src="images/i_187.png" width="100%" alt="DISORDER OF THE BATH" /></a> +<h3>THE DISORDER OF THE BATH</h3> +</div> + +<center> +<table summary="caption"><tr><td> +How Belinda Brown appeared<br /> with "waves all over<br /> her hair" before taking<br /> +a bath in the sea—</td> +<td align="center"> and </td> +<td> +How she looked after<br /> having some more "waves<br /> all over it" +</td> +</tr></table> +</center> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_188.png"> +<img src="images/i_188.png" width="100%" alt="CAUTION TO BATHERS" /></a> +<h3>CAUTION TO BATHERS</h3> +<p>Don't let them jolt you up the beach till you are dressed.</p> +<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>obliged to hold fast</i>). "Hullo! Hi! Somebody stop my boots!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_190.png"> +<img src="images/i_190.png" width="100%" alt="A FIX" /></a> +<h3>A FIX</h3> +<p><i>Separated husband.</i> "Fetch him out, sir!"</p> +<p><i>Proprietor of moke.</i> "Why, if I went near her, she'd lie down; she +always goes in just before high water; nothing'll fetch her out till the +tide turns!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE HUSBANDS' BOAT, A MARGATE MELODY</h2> + +<div class="poem w36"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">See! what craft Margate Harbour displays,</p> +<p class="i2">There are luggers and cutters and yawls,</p> +<p class="i0">They sail upon sunshiny days,</p> +<p class="i2">For land-sailors arn't partial to squalls.</p> +<p class="i0">There's Paterfamilias takes out the lot</p> +<p class="i2">Of the progeny he may own,</p> +<p class="i0">But the Saturday Evening boat has got</p> +<p class="i2">A freight that is hers alone.</p> +<p class="i0">By far the most precious of craft afloat,</p> +<p class="i0">Is the Saturday Evening "Husbands' Boat."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">There are husbands with luggage, and husbands with none,</p> +<p class="i2">There are husbands with parcels in hand,</p> +<p class="i0">They bring down to wives whom they lately have won,</p> +<p class="i2">Who pretty attentions command.</p> +<p class="i0">There are husbands who know whate'er time it may be</p> +<p class="i2">Their wives on the jetty will wait</p> +<p class="i0">For that Hymeneal argosy,</p> +<p class="i2">With its matrimonial freight.</p> +<p class="i0">Oh! the most precious of craft afloat</p> +<p class="i0">Is the Saturday Evening "Husbands' Boat."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">But the Monday Morning is "Monday black",</p> +<p class="i2">That when at school we knew,</p> +<p class="i0">For the husbands to business must all go back,</p> +<p class="i2">And the wives look monstrous blue;</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p> + +<p class="i0">So loud the bell rings, and the steamer starts</p> +<p class="i2">On her way to Thames Haven again,</p> +<p class="i0">And amid those who leave are as many sad hearts,</p> +<p class="i2">As there are amid those who remain.</p> +<p class="i0">Coming or going of craft afloat,</p> +<p class="i0">The most prized one is the "Husbands' Boat."</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_192.png"> +<img src="images/i_192.png" width="100%" alt="FINIS" /></a> +<h3>FINIS!</h3> +<center>(THE END OF THE SEASON)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_193.png"> +<img src="images/i_193.png" width="100%" alt="FINIS" /></a> +</div> + +<br /> + +<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Seaside, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE SEASIDE *** + +***** This file should be named 37166-h.htm or 37166-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/6/37166/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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