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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Parenticide Club, by Ambrose Bierce
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Parenticide Club
+
+Author: Ambrose Bierce
+
+Posting Date: May 13, 2009 [EBook #3715]
+Release Date: February, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PARENTICIDE CLUB ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Paul J. Hollander.  HTML version by Al Haines.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE PARENTICIDE CLUB
+
+
+by
+
+Ambrose Bierce
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+My Favorite Murder
+Oil of Dog
+An Imperfect Conflagration
+The Hypnotist
+
+
+
+
+MY FAVORITE MURDER
+
+
+Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, I
+was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years.  In
+charging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that
+it was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been called
+upon to explain away.
+
+At this, my attorney rose and said:
+
+"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only by
+comparison.  If you were familiar with the details of my client's
+previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense
+(if offense it may be called) something in the nature of tender
+forbearance and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim.
+The appalling ferocity of the former assassination was indeed
+inconsistent with any hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it not
+been for the fact that the honorable judge before whom he was tried
+was the president of a life insurance company that took risks on
+hanging, and in which my client held a policy, it is hard to see how
+he could decently have been acquitted.  If your Honor would like to
+hear about it for instruction and guidance of your Honor's mind, this
+unfortunate man, my client, will consent to give himself the pain of
+relating it under oath."
+
+The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object.  Such a statement
+would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case is
+closed.  The prisoner's statement should have been introduced three
+years ago, in the spring of 1881."
+
+"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and in the
+Court of Objections and Technicalities you would get a ruling in your
+favor.  But not in a Court of Acquittal.  The objection is overruled."
+
+"I except," said the district attorney.
+
+"You cannot do that," the judge said.  "I must remind you that in
+order to take an exception you must first get this case transferred
+for a time to the Court of Exceptions on a formal motion duly
+supported by affidavits.  A motion to that effect by your predecessor
+in office was denied by me during the first year of this trial.  Mr.
+Clerk, swear the prisoner."
+
+The customary oath having been administered, I made the following
+statement, which impressed the judge with so strong a sense of the
+comparative triviality of the offense for which I was on trial that he
+made no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simply
+instructed the jury to acquit, and I left the court, without a stain
+upon my reputation:
+
+"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and reputable
+parents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in my
+later years.  In 1867 the family came to California and settled near
+Nigger Head, where my father opened a road agency and prospered beyond
+the dreams of avarice.  He was a reticent, saturnine man then, though
+his increasing years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his
+disposition, and I believe that nothing but his memory of the sad
+event for which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting a
+genuine hilarity.
+
+"Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant preacher
+came along, and having no other way to pay for the night's lodging
+that we gave him, favored us with an exhortation of such power that,
+praise God, we were all converted to religion.  My father at once sent
+for his brother, the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on his
+arrival turned over the agency to him, charging him nothing for the
+franchise nor plant--the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a
+sawed-off shotgun, and an assortment of masks made out of flour sacks.
+The family then moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance house.  It was
+called 'The Saints' Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the proceedings each night
+began with prayer.  It was there that my now sainted mother, by her
+grace in the dance, acquired the _sobriquet_ of 'The Bucking Walrus.'
+
+"In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the road to
+Mahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock.  There were four other
+passengers.  About three miles beyond Nigger Head, persons whom I
+identified as my Uncle William and his two sons held up the stage.
+Finding nothing in the express box, they went through the passengers.
+I acted a most honorable part in the affair, placing myself in line
+with the others, holding up my hands and permitting myself to be
+deprived of forty dollars and a gold watch.  From my behavior no one
+could have suspected that I knew the gentlemen who gave the
+entertainment.  A few days later, when I went to Nigger Head and asked
+for the return of my money and watch my uncle and cousins swore they
+knew nothing of the matter, and they affected a belief that my father
+and I had done the job ourselves in dishonest violation of commercial
+good faith.  Uncle William even threatened to retaliate by starting an
+opposition dance house at Ghost Rock.  As 'The Saints' Rest' had
+become rather unpopular, I saw that this would assuredly ruin it and
+prove a paying enterprise, so I told my uncle that I was willing to
+overlook the past if he would take me into the scheme and keep the
+partnership a secret from my father.  This fair offer he rejected, and
+I then perceived that it would be better and more satisfactory if he
+were dead.
+
+"My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating them to
+my dear parents I had the gratification of receiving their approval.
+My father said he was proud of me, and my mother promised that
+although her religion forbade her to assist in taking human life I
+should have the advantage of her prayers for my success.  As a
+preliminary measure looking to my security in case of detection I made
+an application for membership in that powerful order, the Knights of
+Murder, and in due course was received as a member of the Ghost Rock
+commandery.  On the day that my probation ended I was for the first
+time permitted to inspect the records of the order and learn who
+belonged to it--all the rites of initiation having been conducted in
+masks.  Fancy my delight when, in looking over the roll of membership,
+I found the third name to be that of my uncle, who indeed was junior
+vice-chancellor of the order!  Here was an opportunity exceeding my
+wildest dreams--to murder I could add insubordination and treachery.
+It was what my good mother would have called 'a special Providence.'
+
+"At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy,
+already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss.
+Three men, strangers in that locality, were arrested for the stage
+robbery in which I had lost my money and watch.  They were brought to
+trial and, despite my efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt upon
+three of the most respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock,
+convicted on the clearest proof.  The murder would now be as wanton
+and reasonless as I could wish.
+
+"One morning I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and going over to my
+uncle's house, near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary, his wife, if he
+were at home, adding that I had come to kill him.  My aunt replied
+with her peculiar smile that so many gentlemen called on that errand
+and were afterward carried away without having performed it that I
+must excuse her for doubting my good faith in the matter.  She said I
+did not look as if I would kill anybody, so, as a proof of good faith
+I leveled my rifle and wounded a Chinaman who happened to be passing
+the house.  She said she knew whole families that could do a thing of
+that kind, but Bill Ridley was a horse of another color.  She said,
+however, that I would find him over on the other side of the creek in
+the sheep lot; and she added that she hoped the best man would win.
+
+"My Aunt Mary was one of the most fair-minded women that I have ever
+met.
+
+"I found my uncle down on his knees engaged in skinning a sheep.
+Seeing that he had neither gun nor pistol handy I had not the heart to
+shoot him, so I approached him, greeted him pleasantly and struck him
+a powerful blow on the head with the butt of my rifle.  I have a very
+good delivery and Uncle William lay down on his side, then rolled over
+on his back, spread out his fingers and shivered.  Before he could
+recover the use of his limbs I seized the knife that he had been using
+and cut his hamstrings.  You know, doubtless, that when you sever the
+_tendo Achillis_ the patient has no further use of his leg; it is just
+the same as if he had no leg.  Well, I parted them both, and when he
+revived he was at my service.  As soon as he comprehended the
+situation, he said:
+
+"'Samuel, you have got the drop on me and can afford to be generous.
+I have only one thing to ask of you, and that is that you carry me to
+the house and finish me in the bosom of my family.'
+
+"I told him I thought that a pretty reasonable request and I would do
+so if he would let me put him into a wheat sack; he would be easier to
+carry that way and if we were seen by the neighbors _en route_ it
+would cause less remark.  He agreed to that, and going to the barn I
+got a sack.  This, however, did not fit him; it was too short and much
+wider than he; so I bent his legs, forced his knees up against his
+breast and got him into it that way, tying the sack above his head.
+He was a heavy man and I had all that I could do to get him on my
+back, but I staggered along for some distance until I came to a swing
+that some of the children had suspended to the branch of an oak.  Here
+I laid him down and sat upon him to rest, and the sight of the rope
+gave me a happy inspiration.  In twenty minutes my uncle, still in the
+sack, swung free to the sport of the wind.
+
+"I had taken down the rope, tied one end tightly about the mouth of
+the bag, thrown the other across the limb and hauled him up about five
+feet from the ground.  Fastening the other end of the rope also about
+the mouth of the sack, I had the satisfaction to see my uncle
+converted into a large, fine pendulum.  I must add that he was not
+himself entirely aware of the nature of the change that he had
+undergone in his relation to the exterior world, though in justice to
+a good man's memory I ought to say that I do not think he would in any
+case have wasted much of my time in vain remonstrance.
+
+"Uncle William had a ram that was famous in all that region as a
+fighter.  It was in a state of chronic constitutional indignation.
+Some deep disappointment in early life had soured its disposition and
+it had declared war upon the whole world.  To say that it would butt
+anything accessible is but faintly to express the nature and scope of
+its military activity: the universe was its antagonist; its methods
+that of a projectile.  It fought like the angels and devils, in
+mid-air, cleaving the atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic
+curve and descending upon its victim at just the exact angle of
+incidence to make the most of its velocity and weight.  Its momentum,
+calculated in foot-tons, was something incredible.  It had been seen
+to destroy a four year old bull by a single impact upon that animal's
+gnarly forehead.  No stone wall had ever been known to resist its
+downward swoop; there were no trees tough enough to stay it; it would
+splinter them into matchwood and defile their leafy honors in the
+dust.  This irascible and implacable brute--this incarnate
+thunderbolt--this monster of the upper deep, I had seen reposing in
+the shade of an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of conquest and glory.
+It was with a view to summoning it forth to the field of honor that I
+suspended its master in the manner described.
+
+"Having completed my preparations, I imparted to the avuncular
+pendulum a gentle oscillation, and retiring to cover behind a
+contiguous rock, lifted up my voice in a long rasping cry whose
+diminishing final note was drowned in a noise like that of a swearing
+cat, which emanated from the sack.  Instantly that formidable sheep
+was upon its feet and had taken in the military situation at a glance.
+In a few moments it had approached, stamping, to within fifty yards
+of the swinging foeman, who, now retreating and anon advancing, seemed
+to invite the fray.  Suddenly I saw the beast's head drop earthward as
+if depressed by the weight of its enormous horns; then a dim, white,
+wavy streak of sheep prolonged itself from that spot in a generally
+horizontal direction to within about four yards of a point immediately
+beneath the enemy.  There it struck sharply upward, and before it had
+faded from my gaze at the place whence it had set out I heard a horrid
+thump and a piercing scream, and my poor uncle shot forward, with a
+slack rope higher than the limb to which he was attached.  Here the
+rope tautened with a jerk, arresting his flight, and back he swung in
+a breathless curve to the other end of his arc.  The ram had fallen, a
+heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and horns, but pulling itself
+together and dodging as its antagonist swept downward it retired at
+random, alternately shaking its head and stamping its fore-feet.  When
+it had backed about the same distance as that from which it had
+delivered the assault it paused again, bowed its head as if in prayer
+for victory and again shot forward, dimly visible as before--a
+prolonging white streak with monstrous undulations, ending with a
+sharp ascension.  Its course this time was at a right angle to its
+former one, and its impatience so great that it struck the enemy
+before he had nearly reached the lowest point of his arc.  In
+consequence he went flying round and round in a horizontal circle
+whose radius was about equal to half the length of the rope, which I
+forgot to say was nearly twenty feet long.  His shrieks, _crescendo_
+in approach and _diminuendo_ in recession, made the rapidity of his
+revolution more obvious to the ear than to the eye.  He had evidently
+not yet been struck in a vital spot.  His posture in the sack and the
+distance from the ground at which he hung compelled the ram to operate
+upon his lower extremities and the end of his back.  Like a plant that
+has struck its root into some poisonous mineral, my poor uncle was
+dying slowly upward.
+
+"After delivering its second blow the ram had not again retired.  The
+fever of battle burned hot in its heart; its brain was intoxicated
+with the wine of strife.  Like a pugilist who in his rage forgets his
+skill and fights ineffectively at half-arm's length, the angry beast
+endeavored to reach its fleeting foe by awkward vertical leaps as he
+passed overhead, sometimes, indeed, succeeding in striking him feebly,
+but more frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness.  But as
+the impetus was exhausted and the man's circles narrowed in scope and
+diminished in speed, bringing him nearer to the ground, these tactics
+produced better results, eliciting a superior quality of screams,
+which I greatly enjoyed.
+
+"Suddenly, as if the bugles had sung truce, the ram suspended
+hostilities and walked away, thoughtfully wrinkling and smoothing its
+great aquiline nose, and occasionally cropping a bunch of grass and
+slowly munching it.  It seemed to have tired of war's alarms and
+resolved to beat the sword into a plowshare and cultivate the arts of
+peace.  Steadily it held its course away from the field of fame until
+it had gained a distance of nearly a quarter of a mile.  There it
+stopped and stood with its rear to the foe, chewing its cud and
+apparently half asleep.  I observed, however, an occasional slight
+turn of its head, as if its apathy were more affected than real.
+
+"Meantime Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his motion, and
+nothing was heard from him but long, low moans, and at long intervals
+my name, uttered in pleading tones exceedingly grateful to my ear.
+Evidently the man had not the faintest notion of what was being done
+to him, and was inexpressibly terrified.  When Death comes cloaked in
+mystery he is terrible indeed.  Little by little my uncle's
+oscillations diminished, and finally he hung motionless.  I went to
+him and was about to give him the _coup de grace_, when I heard and
+felt a succession of smart shocks which shook the ground like a series
+of light earthquakes, and turning in the direction of the ram, saw a
+long cloud of dust approaching me with inconceivable rapidity and
+alarming effect!  At a distance of some thirty yards away it stopped
+short, and from the near end of it rose into the air what I at first
+thought a great white bird.  Its ascent was so smooth and easy and
+regular that I could not realize its extraordinary celerity, and was
+lost in admiration of its grace.  To this day the impression remains
+that it was a slow, deliberate movement, the ram--for it was that
+animal--being upborne by some power other than its own impetus, and
+supported through the successive stages of its flight with infinite
+tenderness and care.  My eyes followed its progress through the air
+with unspeakable pleasure, all the greater by contrast with my former
+terror of its approach by land.  Onward and upward the noble animal
+sailed, its head bent down almost between its knees, its fore-feet
+thrown back, its hinder legs trailing to rear like the legs of a
+soaring heron.
+
+"At a height of forty or fifty feet, as fond recollection presents it
+to view, it attained its zenith and appeared to remain an instant
+stationary; then, tilting suddenly forward without altering the
+relative position of its parts, it shot downward on a steeper and
+steeper course with augmenting velocity, passed immediately above me
+with a noise like the rush of a cannon shot and struck my poor uncle
+almost squarely on the top of the head!  So frightful was the impact
+that not only the man's neck was broken, but the rope too; and the
+body of the deceased, forced against the earth, was crushed to pulp
+beneath the awful front of that meteoric sheep!  The concussion
+stopped all the clocks between Lone Hand and Dutch Dan's, and
+Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority in matters seismic, who
+happened to be in the vicinity, promptly explained that the vibrations
+were from north to southwest.
+
+"Altogether, I cannot help thinking that in point of artistic atrocity
+my murder of Uncle William has seldom been excelled."
+
+
+
+
+OIL OF DOG
+
+
+My name is Boffer Bings.  I was born of honest parents in one of the
+humbler walks of life, my father being a manufacturer of dog-oil and
+my mother having a small studio in the shadow of the village church,
+where she disposed of unwelcome babes.  In my boyhood I was trained to
+habits of industry; I not only assisted my father in procuring dogs
+for his vats, but was frequently employed by my mother to carry away
+the debris of her work in the studio.  In performance of this duty I
+sometimes had need of all my natural intelligence for all the law
+officers of the vicinity were opposed to my mother's business.  They
+were not elected on an opposition ticket, and the matter had never
+been made a political issue; it just happened so.  My father's
+business of making dog-oil was, naturally, less unpopular, though the
+owners of missing dogs sometimes regarded him with suspicion, which
+was reflected, to some extent, upon me.  My father had, as silent
+partners, all the physicians of the town, who seldom wrote a
+prescription which did not contain what they were pleased to designate
+as _Ol. can._  It is really the most valuable medicine ever
+discovered.  But most persons are unwilling to make personal
+sacrifices for the afflicted, and it was evident that many of the
+fattest dogs in town had been forbidden to play with me--a fact which
+pained my young sensibilities, and at one time came near driving me to
+become a pirate.
+
+Looking back upon those days, I cannot but regret, at times, that by
+indirectly bringing my beloved parents to their death I was the author
+of misfortunes profoundly affecting my future.
+
+One evening while passing my father's oil factory with the body of a
+foundling from my mother's studio I saw a constable who seemed to be
+closely watching my movements.  Young as I was, I had learned that a
+constable's acts, of whatever apparent character, are prompted by the
+most reprehensible motives, and I avoided him by dodging into the
+oilery by a side door which happened to stand ajar.  I locked it at
+once and was alone with my dead.  My father had retired for the night.
+The only light in the place came from the furnace, which glowed a
+deep, rich crimson under one of the vats, casting ruddy reflections on
+the walls.  Within the cauldron the oil still rolled in indolent
+ebullition, occasionally pushing to the surface a piece of dog.
+Seating myself to wait for the constable to go away, I held the naked
+body of the foundling in my lap and tenderly stroked its short, silken
+hair.  Ah, how beautiful it was!  Even at that early age I was
+passionately fond of children, and as I looked upon this cherub I
+could almost find it in my heart to wish that the small, red wound
+upon its breast--the work of my dear mother--had not been mortal.
+
+It had been my custom to throw the babes into the river which nature
+had thoughtfully provided for the purpose, but that night I did not
+dare to leave the oilery for fear of the constable.  "After all," I
+said to myself, "it cannot greatly matter if I put it into this
+cauldron.  My father will never know the bones from those of a puppy,
+and the few deaths which may result from administering another kind of
+oil for the incomparable _ol. can._ are not important in a population
+which increases so rapidly."  In short, I took the first step in crime
+and brought myself untold sorrow by casting the babe into the
+cauldron.
+
+The next day, somewhat to my surprise, my father, rubbing his hands
+with satisfaction, informed me and my mother that he had obtained the
+finest quality of oil that was ever seen; that the physicians to whom
+he had shown samples had so pronounced it.  He added that he had no
+knowledge as to how the result was obtained; the dogs had been treated
+in all respects as usual, and were of an ordinary breed.  I deemed it
+my duty to explain--which I did, though palsied would have been my
+tongue if I could have foreseen the consequences.  Bewailing their
+previous ignorance of the advantages of combining their industries, my
+parents at once took measures to repair the error.  My mother removed
+her studio to a wing of the factory building and my duties in
+connection with the business ceased; I was no longer required to
+dispose of the bodies of the small superfluous, and there was no need
+of alluring dogs to their doom, for my father discarded them
+altogether, though they still had an honorable place in the name of
+the oil.  So suddenly thrown into idleness, I might naturally have
+been expected to become vicious and dissolute, but I did not.  The
+holy influence of my dear mother was ever about me to protect me from
+the temptations which beset youth, and my father was a deacon in a
+church.  Alas, that through my fault these estimable persons should
+have come to so bad an end!
+
+Finding a double profit in her business, my mother now devoted herself
+to it with a new assiduity.  She removed not only superfluous and
+unwelcome babes to order, but went out into the highways and byways,
+gathering in children of a larger growth, and even such adults as she
+could entice to the oilery.  My father, too, enamored of the superior
+quality of oil produced, purveyed for his vats with diligence and
+zeal.  The conversion of their neighbors into dog-oil became, in
+short, the one passion of their lives--an absorbing and overwhelming
+greed took possession of their souls and served them in place of a
+hope in Heaven--by which, also, they were inspired.
+
+So enterprising had they now become that a public meeting was held and
+resolutions passed severely censuring them.  It was intimated by the
+chairman that any further raids upon the population would be met in a
+spirit of hostility.  My poor parents left the meeting broken-hearted,
+desperate and, I believe, not altogether sane.  Anyhow, I deemed it
+prudent not to enter the oilery with them that night, but slept
+outside in a stable.
+
+At about midnight some mysterious impulse caused me to rise and peer
+through a window into the furnace-room, where I knew my father now
+slept.  The fires were burning as brightly as if the following day's
+harvest had been expected to be abundant.  One of the large cauldrons
+was slowly "walloping" with a mysterious appearance of self-restraint,
+as if it bided its time to put forth its full energy.  My father was
+not in bed; he had risen in his night clothes and was preparing a
+noose in a strong cord.  From the looks which he cast at the door of
+my mother's bedroom I knew too well the purpose that he had in mind.
+Speechless and motionless with terror, I could do nothing in
+prevention or warning.  Suddenly the door of my mother's apartment was
+opened, noiselessly, and the two confronted each other, both
+apparently surprised.  The lady, also, was in her night clothes, and
+she held in her right hand the tool of her trade, a long,
+narrow-bladed dagger.
+
+She, too, had been unable to deny herself the last profit which the
+unfriendly action of the citizens and my absence had left her.  For
+one instant they looked into each other's blazing eyes and then sprang
+together with indescribable fury.  Round and round, the room they
+struggled, the man cursing, the woman shrieking, both fighting like
+demons--she to strike him with the dagger, he to strangle her with his
+great bare hands.  I know not how long I had the unhappiness to
+observe this disagreeable instance of domestic infelicity, but at
+last, after a more than usually vigorous struggle, the combatants
+suddenly moved apart.
+
+My father's breast and my mother's weapon showed evidences of contact.
+For another instant they glared at each other in the most unamiable
+way; then my poor, wounded father, feeling the hand of death upon him,
+leaped forward, unmindful of resistance, grasped my dear mother in his
+arms, dragged her to the side of the boiling cauldron, collected all
+his failing energies, and sprang in with her!  In a moment, both had
+disappeared and were adding their oil to that of the committee of
+citizens who had called the day before with an invitation to the
+public meeting.
+
+Convinced that these unhappy events closed to me every avenue to an
+honorable career in that town, I removed to the famous city of
+Otumwee, where these memoirs are written with a heart full of remorse
+for a heedless act entailing so dismal a commercial disaster.
+
+
+
+
+AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION
+
+
+Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father--an act which made
+a deep impression on me at the time.  This was before my marriage,
+while I was living with my parents in Wisconsin.  My father and I were
+in the library of our home, dividing the proceeds of a burglary which
+we had committed that night.  These consisted of household goods
+mostly, and the task of equitable division was difficult.  We got on
+very well with the napkins, towels and such things, and the silverware
+was parted pretty nearly equally, but you can see for yourself that
+when you try to divide a single music-box by two without a remainder
+you will have trouble.  It was that music-box which brought disaster
+and disgrace upon our family.  If we had left it my poor father might
+now be alive.
+
+It was a most exquisite and beautiful piece of workmanship--inlaid
+with costly woods and carven very curiously.  It would not only play a
+great variety of tunes, but would whistle like a quail, bark like a
+dog, crow every morning at daylight whether it was wound up or not,
+and break the Ten Commandments.  It was this last mentioned
+accomplishment that won my father's heart and caused him to commit the
+only dishonorable act of his life, though possibly he would have
+committed more if he had been spared: he tried to conceal that
+music-box from me, and declared upon his honor that he had not taken
+it, though I know very well that, so far as he was concerned, the
+burglary had been undertaken chiefly for the purpose of obtaining it.
+
+My father had the music-box hidden under his cloak; we had worn cloaks
+by way of disguise.  He had solemnly assured me that he did not take
+it.  I knew that he did, and knew something of which he was evidently
+ignorant; namely, that the box would crow at daylight and betray him
+if I could prolong the division of profits till that time.  All
+occurred as I wished: as the gaslight began to pale in the library and
+the shape of the windows was seen dimly behind the curtains, a long
+cock-a-doodle-doo came from beneath the old gentleman's cloak,
+followed by a few bars of an aria from _Tannhauser_, ending with a
+loud click.  A small hand-axe, which we had used to break into the
+unlucky house, lay between us on the table; I picked it up.  The old
+man seeing that further concealment was useless took the box from
+under his cloak and set it on the table.  "Cut it in two if you prefer
+that plan," said he; "I tried to save it from destruction."
+
+He was a passionate lover of music and could himself play the
+concertina with expression and feeling.
+
+I said: "I do not question the purity of your motive: it would be
+presumptuous of me to sit in judgment on my father.  But business is
+business, and with this axe I am going to effect a dissolution of our
+partnership unless you will consent in all future burglaries to wear a
+bell-punch."
+
+"No," he said, after some reflection, "no, I could not do that; it
+would look like a confession of dishonesty.  People would say that you
+distrusted me."
+
+I could not help admiring his spirit and sensitiveness; for a moment I
+was proud of him and disposed to overlook his fault, but a glance at
+the richly jeweled music-box decided me, and, as I said, I removed the
+old man from this vale of tears.  Having done so, I was a trifle
+uneasy.  Not only was he my father--the author of my being--but the
+body would be certainly discovered.  It was now broad daylight and my
+mother was likely to enter the library at any moment.  Under the
+circumstances, I thought it expedient to remove her also, which I did.
+Then I paid off all the servants and discharged them.
+
+That afternoon I went to the chief of police, told him what I had done
+and asked his advice.  It would be very painful to me if the facts
+became publicly known.  My conduct would be generally condemned; the
+newspapers would bring it up against me if ever I should run for
+office.  The chief saw the force of these considerations; he was
+himself an assassin of wide experience.  After consulting with the
+presiding judge of the Court of Variable Jurisdiction he advised me to
+conceal the bodies in one of the bookcases, get a heavy insurance on
+the house and burn it down.  This I proceeded to do.
+
+In the library was a book-case which my father had recently purchased
+of some cranky inventor and had not filled.  It was in shape and size
+something like the old-fashioned "ward-robes" which one sees in
+bed-rooms without closets, but opened all the way down, like a woman's
+night-dress.  It had glass doors.  I had recently laid out my parents
+and they were now rigid enough to stand erect; so I stood them in this
+book-case, from which I had removed the shelves.  I locked them in and
+tacked some curtains over the glass doors.  The inspector from the
+insurance office passed a half-dozen times before the case without
+suspicion.
+
+That night, after getting my policy, I set fire to the house and
+started through the woods to town, two miles away, where I managed to
+be found about the time the excitement was at its height.  With cries
+of apprehension for the fate of my parents, I joined the rush and
+arrived at the fire some two hours after I had kindled it.  The whole
+town was there as I dashed up.  The house was entirely consumed, but
+in one end of the level bed of glowing embers, bolt upright and
+uninjured, was that book-case!  The curtains had burned away, exposing
+the glass-doors, through which the fierce, red light illuminated the
+interior.  There stood my dear father "in his habit as he lived," and
+at his side the partner of his joys and sorrows.  Not a hair of them
+was singed, their clothing was intact.  On their heads and throats the
+injuries which in the accomplishment of my designs I had been
+compelled to inflict were conspicuous.  As in the presence of a
+miracle, the people were silent; awe and terror had stilled every
+tongue.  I was myself greatly affected.
+
+Some three years later, when the events herein related had nearly
+faded from my memory, I went to New York to assist in passing some
+counterfeit United States bonds.  Carelessly looking into a furniture
+store one day, I saw the exact counterpart of that book-case.  "I
+bought it for a trifle from a reformed inventor," the dealer
+explained.  "He said it was fireproof, the pores of the wood being
+filled with alum under hydraulic pressure and the glass made of
+asbestos.  I don't suppose it is really fireproof--you can have it at
+the price of an ordinary book-case."
+
+"No," I said, "if you cannot warrant it fireproof I won't take
+it"--and I bade him good morning.
+
+I would not have had it at any price: it revived memories that were
+exceedingly disagreeable.
+
+
+
+
+THE HYPNOTIST
+
+
+By those of my friends who happen to know that I sometimes amuse
+myself with hypnotism, mind reading and kindred phenomena, I am
+frequently asked if I have a clear conception of the nature of
+whatever principle underlies them.  To this question I always reply
+that I neither have nor desire to have.  I am no investigator with an
+ear at the key-hole of Nature's workshop, trying with vulgar curiosity
+to steal the secrets of her trade.  The interests of science are as
+little to me as mine seem to have been to science.
+
+Doubtless the phenomena in question are simple enough, and in no way
+transcend our powers of comprehension if only we could find the clew;
+but for my part I prefer not to find it, for I am of a singularly
+romantic disposition, deriving more gratification from mystery than
+from knowledge.  It was commonly remarked of me when I was a child
+that my big blue eyes appeared to have been made rather to look into
+than look out of--such was their dreamful beauty, and in my frequent
+periods of abstraction, their indifference to what was going on.  In
+those peculiarities they resembled, I venture to think, the soul which
+lies behind them, always more intent upon some lovely conception which
+it has created in its own image than concerned about the laws of
+nature and the material frame of things.  All this, irrelevant and
+egotistic as it may seem, is related by way of accounting for the
+meagreness of the light that I am able to throw upon a subject that
+has engaged so much of my attention, and concerning which there is so
+keen and general a curiosity.  With my powers and opportunities,
+another person might doubtless have an explanation for much of what I
+present simply as narrative.
+
+My first knowledge that I possessed unusual powers came to me in my
+fourteenth year, when at school.  Happening one day to have forgotten
+to bring my noon-day luncheon, I gazed longingly at that of a small
+girl who was preparing to eat hers.  Looking up, her eyes met mine and
+she seemed unable to withdraw them.  After a moment of hesitancy she
+came forward in an absent kind of way and without a word surrendered
+her little basket with its tempting contents and walked away.
+Inexpressibly pleased, I relieved my hunger and destroyed the basket.
+After that I had not the trouble to bring a luncheon for myself: that
+little girl was my daily purveyor; and not infrequently in satisfying
+my simple need from her frugal store I combined pleasure and profit by
+constraining her attendance at the feast and making misleading proffer
+of the viands, which eventually I consumed to the last fragment.  The
+girl was always persuaded that she had eaten all herself; and later in
+the day her tearful complaints of hunger surprised the teacher,
+entertained the pupils, earned for her the sobriquet of Greedy-Gut and
+filled me with a peace past understanding.
+
+A disagreeable feature of this otherwise satisfactory condition of
+things was the necessary secrecy: the transfer of the luncheon, for
+example, had to be made at some distance from the madding crowd, in a
+wood; and I blush to think of the many other unworthy subterfuges
+entailed by the situation.  As I was (and am) naturally of a frank and
+open disposition, these became more and more irksome, and but for the
+reluctance of my parents to renounce the obvious advantages of the new
+regime I would gladly have reverted to the old.  The plan that I
+finally adopted to free myself from the consequences of my own powers
+excited a wide and keen interest at the time, and that part of it
+which consisted in the death of the girl was severely condemned, but
+it is hardly pertinent to the scope of this narrative.
+
+For some years afterward I had little opportunity to practice
+hypnotism; such small essays as I made at it were commonly barren of
+other recognition than solitary confinement on a bread-and-water diet;
+sometimes, indeed, they elicited nothing better than the
+cat-o'-nine-tails.  It was when I was about to leave the scene of
+these small disappointments that my one really important feat was
+performed.
+
+I had been called into the warden's office and given a suit of
+civilian's clothing, a trifling sum of money and a great deal of
+advice, which I am bound to confess was of a much better quality than
+the clothing.  As I was passing out of the gate into the light of
+freedom I suddenly turned and looking the warden gravely in the eye,
+soon had him in control.
+
+"You are an ostrich," I said.
+
+At the post-mortem examination the stomach was found to contain a
+great quantity of indigestible articles mostly of wood or metal.
+Stuck fast in the esophagus and constituting, according to the
+Coroner's jury, the immediate cause of death, one door-knob.
+
+I was by nature a good and affectionate son, but as I took my way into
+the great world from which I had been so long secluded I could not
+help remembering that all my misfortunes had flowed like a stream from
+the niggard economy of my parents in the matter of school luncheons;
+and I knew of no reason to think they had reformed.
+
+On the road between Succotash Hill and South Asphyxia is a little open
+field which once contained a shanty known as Pete Gilstrap's Place,
+where that gentleman used to murder travelers for a living.  The death
+of Mr. Gilstrap and the diversion of nearly all the travel to another
+road occurred so nearly at the same time that no one has ever been
+able to say which was cause and which effect.  Anyhow, the field was
+now a desolation and the Place had long been burned.  It was while
+going afoot to South Asphyxia, the home of my childhood, that I found
+both my parents on their way to the Hill.  They had hitched their team
+and were eating luncheon under an oak tree in the center of the field.
+The sight of the luncheon called up painful memories of my school
+days and roused the sleeping lion in my breast.  Approaching the
+guilty couple, who at once recognized me, I ventured to suggest that I
+share their hospitality.
+
+"Of this cheer, my son," said the author of my being, with
+characteristic pomposity, which age had not withered, "there is
+sufficient for but two.  I am not, I hope, insensible to the
+hunger-light in your eyes, but--"
+
+My father has never completed that sentence; what he mistook for
+hunger-light was simply the earnest gaze of the hypnotist.  In a few
+seconds he was at my service.  A few more sufficed for the lady, and
+the dictates of a just resentment could be carried into effect.  "My
+former father," I said, "I presume that it is known to you that you
+and this lady are no longer what you were?"
+
+"I have observed a certain subtle change," was the rather dubious
+reply of the old gentleman; "it is perhaps attributable to age."
+
+"It is more than that," I explained; "it goes to character--to
+species.  You and the lady here are, in truth, two broncos--wild
+stallions both, and unfriendly."
+
+"Why, John," exclaimed my dear mother, "you don't mean to say that I
+am--"
+
+"Madam," I replied, solemnly, fixing my eyes again upon hers, "you
+are."
+
+Scarcely had the words fallen from my lips when she dropped upon her
+hands and knees, and backing up to the old man squealed like a demon
+and delivered a vicious kick upon his shin!  An instant later he was
+himself down on all-fours, headed away from her and flinging his feet
+at her simultaneously and successively.  With equal earnestness but
+inferior agility, because of her hampering body-gear, she plied her
+own.  Their flying legs crossed and mingled in the most bewildering
+way; their feet sometimes meeting squarely in midair, their bodies
+thrust forward, falling flat upon the ground and for a moment
+helpless.  On recovering themselves they would resume the combat,
+uttering their frenzy in the nameless sounds of the furious brutes
+which they believed themselves to be--the whole region rang with their
+clamor!  Round and round they wheeled, the blows of their feet falling
+"like lightnings from the mountain cloud."  They plunged and reared
+backward upon their knees, struck savagely at each other with awkward
+descending blows of both fists at once, and dropped again upon their
+hands as if unable to maintain the upright position of the body.
+Grass and pebbles were torn from the soil by hands and feet; clothing,
+hair, faces inexpressibly defiled with dust and blood.  Wild,
+inarticulate screams of rage attested the delivery of the blows;
+groans, grunts and gasps their receipt.  Nothing more truly military
+was ever seen at Gettysburg or Waterloo: the valor of my dear parents
+in the hour of danger can never cease to be to me a source of pride
+and gratification.  At the end of it all two battered, tattered,
+bloody and fragmentary vestiges of mortality attested the solemn fact
+that the author of the strife was an orphan.
+
+Arrested for provoking a breach of the peace, I was, and have ever
+since been, tried in the Court of Technicalities and Continuances
+whence, after fifteen years of proceedings, my attorney is moving
+heaven and earth to get the case taken to the Court of Remandment for
+New Trials.
+
+Such are a few of my principal experiments in the mysterious force or
+agency known as hypnotic suggestion.  Whether or not it could be
+employed by a bad man for an unworthy purpose I am unable to say.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
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