diff options
Diffstat (limited to '37125.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 37125.txt | 1807 |
1 files changed, 1807 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/37125.txt b/37125.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cde08d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/37125.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1807 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, +October 29, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, October 29, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 18, 2011 [EBook #37125] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 93. + + + +October 29th, 1887. + + + + +QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY. + +EXTRACT FROM A GRAND OLD DIARY. MONDAY, OCT. 17. + +Self, wife, and HERBERT started early to escape our kind-hearted, +clear-headed admirers; so early, that I scarcely had time before +leaving to write thirty post-cards, seventy-six pages of notes for +my next magazine article, and to cut down half-a-dozen trees. Train +announced to leave Chester at 10:30, but got off at the hour. +This little joke (WATKIN'S notion) caused much amusement. Through +opera-glasses we could see bands of music, deputations, &c., +constantly coming to the railway-stations to meet our train after +it had passed. Too bad! However, to prevent disappointment, and as +CHAMBERLAIN has been imitating me and vulgarised my original idea, I +knocked off some speeches, in pencil, and HERBERT threw them out of +the window as fast as I could write them. So far as we could make out +with a telescope, some of them reached their destination, and seemed +to be well received. + +[Illustration: Master Willie Gladstone "really enjoying, and in some +measure appreciating and understanding," our Mr. Agnew's lectures on +Art. + +_Vide Times Report, Oct. 18._] + +Awfully pleased to meet Mr. WILLIAM AGNEW at Manchester. Odd +coincidence of Christian names. I shall speak of him and allude to him +as "The Other WILLIAM." He promised to keep by me, and show me all the +pictures worth seeing. + +"T'Other WILLIAM," said I, "you are very good. As you know, I take a +great and sincere interest in pictures and works of Art, although I +know very little about them." T'Other WILLIAM protested. "No, T'Other +WILLIAM, I am right. You have been the means of providing me with +a commodity most difficult of all others to procure if you do not +possess it yourself--that is to say, you have provided me with +brains." Further protests from T'Other One. "No, T'Other WILLIAM, +hear me out; for you know in all cases where a judgment has had to be +passed upon works of Art, I have been accustomed to refer a great deal +to you, and lean upon you, because you have been constantly the means +of enabling me really to see, and really to enjoy, and in some measure +to appreciate and understand, all that you have shown to me." + +I was so pleased with this little speech that I made HERBERT take it +down as I repeated it to him privately when T'Other was looking in +another direction. When I brought it out afterwards, at luncheon in +the Palm-house, it went wonderfully. So it should, because I felt +every word of it. T'Other WILLIAM is one of the kindest and most +courteous of my friends. + +I was very pleased with the Exhibition, although perhaps (I am not +certain of this) I might have seen it better had not about four +thousand visitors followed our little party everywhere, cheering +vociferously. I was consequently obliged to keep my attention most +carefully fixed upon the exhibits, as when I caught any stranger's +eye, the stranger immediately (but with an eagerness that did not +exceed the limits of good behaviour) called upon me to make a speech +then and there upon the subject of "Home Rule." I am sure I should +on each and every occasion have only been too delighted, had not Sir +ANDREW warned me not to indulge too much in that sort of thing. The +crowd, however, had its decided advantage, inasmuch as we were carried +off our feet everywhere. In this luxurious fashion we were wafted to +Messrs. DOULTON'S Pottery Manufactory, to Mr. JESSE HAWORTH'S loan +exhibition of Egyptian antiquities, the name "JESSE" recalled to me +the poor misguided JOE'S "JESSE," the second fiddle, but _toujours +fidele_, and to a great many other shows of almost equal interest. + +But of course _the_ feature of the Exhibition was the collection +of pictures. I was absolutely delighted. T'Other WILLIAM explained +everything, and amongst other portraits showed me one of myself by +MILLAIS. I imagine that everybody must have thought it very like, +because when they observed me inspecting it, they cheered more +vigorously than ever. For my part I can't help feeling that Sir JOHN +might have done more with the collars. He has not (to my thinking, +although I confess I may be wrong) put quite enough starch in them. +This is my own idea, as I did not consult T'Other One upon the +subject. Great as my reliance is upon him concerning works of Art, I +reserve the right of using my own judgment in the matter of collars. +Passing through the galleries I was delighted with everything I saw. +The only drawback to my pleasure was the fact that I was followed (as +I have already hinted) by a cheering crowd, who occasionally, and, no +doubt, accidentally, drowned the voice of my kind Mentor. Under other +circumstances I should have drawn the distinction between the Mentor +and the Tor-mentors. Think this, but don't say it. For instance, when +we were standing in front of "_Ramsgate Sands_," this is what reached +my ears eager for instruction:-- + +"'_Ramsgate Sands_,' by FRITH--(_'Hooray!'_)--who, as you know, has +just written--(_'Speech! Speech!' 'Home Rule!' 'Three cheers for +MORLEY!'_)--full of anecdotes of all sorts of interesting people. If +you went to Ramsgate now, you would find----(_'We are going to give +you another carpet, old man!' 'Hooray, hooray, hooray!' 'Three +Cheers for Home Rule!--An extra one for Manchester!'_)--and +practically the sand-frequenters we are carefully examining in this +picture are of thirty years ago. (_'Speech! Speech!'_) You must +know----(_'Hooray, hooray, hooray!'_)" + +And at this period my dear friend was silenced by our being carried +away in an irresistible stream to the Palm-house, where we took part +in an excellent luncheon. Here I delivered my speech, which I +pride myself was first-rate. I called Manchester the Modern Athens, +explaining, however, that no offence was intended to the capital +of Midlothian. Take it all round, then, in spite of the "exuberant +interest" shown in me by my fellow-citizens, I have had a very +pleasant day, thanks chiefly to T'Other WILLIAM. + + * * * * * + +A PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME. + +_October 25._--Lecture by amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking +rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of "bearing +distress patiently." Tells them "not to do it again," and dismisses +them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise of rowdies. + +_October 26._--Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of Bond +Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest. + +_October 27._--Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist +Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends them +to "study laws of supply and demand." Invites them to Lord Mayor's +Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, on emerging +into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated mob of other +Socialists, who have not received invitations. + +_October 28._--New Leaders of Mob (_vice_ Deputation, resigned) +denounce sympathetic Alderman as a "bloated exploiter." Nelson +Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood of +Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets being +blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy. + +_October 29._--Gathering of "Unemployed" in Westminster Abbey. +Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The +Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very +conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to +give most of what they possess to poor; advises poor to wait patiently +till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-books. Unemployed +"remain to prey." + +_October 30._--Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean's +conciliatory sermon. The Canons go off. + +_November 1._--Mansion House Relief Fund started. Fifty thousand +pounds subscribed the first day by leading philanthropists who +have had all their windows broken. Trade paralysed, and numbers of +Unemployed consequently increasing. Speech by celebrated Statesman, +contrasting disorder and lawlessness in Ireland with universal +contentment and order existing in England. + +_November 2._--Mob helps itself to chief pictures in National Gallery, +on ground that they "belong to the people." Raffle organised for the +Raffaelles. Fifteen policemen have their ribs broken. + +_November 3._--Whole Police Force disabled by angry mob armed with +bludgeons and revolvers. Sympathetic Alderman at Mansion House +ventures to ask Government if "matters are not really going a little +too far," and is ducked in Thames. All the West-End shops in-wested by +looters. + +_November 4._--Prime Minister declares that "much as he regrets the +depression of trade and want of employment, yet he thinks that on the +whole, recent proceedings have not been quite creditable to Capital +City of Empire." Military called out, and streets cleared in no time. +Ringleaders of mob arrested, and given a year's imprisonment with hard +labour. Trafalgar Square railed round and planted with prickly cactus. +Business resumed and confidence restored. Government begins to think +of a Bill to deal with _real_ London grievances--such as rack-rents, +slum-dwellings, and foreign pauper labour. [_And high time too!_ + + * * * * * + +A CLOUD OF YACHTS.--The account of the British owner published last +week, confirms the notion that the much-talked-of superiority of +the _Thistle_ over the _Volunteer_ was mere vapouring. This is not +surprising. All that could be appropriately expected from such a weed +was smoke! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PARALLELS. No. 3. + +[Illustration: DON CHAMBERLAIN QUIXOTE AND SANCHO JESSE PANZA. + +_Sancho Panza (to himself)._ "I CANNOT HELP IT,--FOLLOW HIM I MUST: +I HAVE EATEN HIS BREAD, I LOVE HIM: ABOVE ALL I AM FAITHFUL."--_Don +Quixote_, Part ii., Book iii., Ch. xxxiii.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW QUIXOTE. + +_Fragments from a forthcoming Romance of (Political) Chivalry and +(Party) Knight-Errantry._ + + *** + +The age of our gentleman bordered upon fifty years. He was of a strong +constitution, spare-bodied, of a keen, not to say hatchet-like visage, +a very early (and rapid) riser, and a lover of the orchid. + + *** + +His judgment being somewhat obscured, he was seized with one of the +strangest fancies that ever entered the head of any naturally astute +person. This was a belief that it behoved him, as well for the +advancement of his own glory as the service of his country, to become +a knight-errant (though, indeed, there was, perhaps, about him more +of the errant than the knightly), and traverse the northern parts of +Hibernia, armed and mounted, in quest of adventures, redressing every +species of grievance save such as were not found in his own list, or +"programme," which latter, indeed, he would by no means admit to be +"grievances" at all. The poor gentleman imagined himself to be at +least crowned Autocrat of Orangeia by the valour of his arm; and +thus wrapt in these agreeable illusions, and borne away by the +extraordinary pleasure he found in them, he hastened to put his design +into execution. + +The first thing he did was to scour up some rusty armour which had +done service in the time of his great-grandfather, and had lain many +years neglected in a corner. This he cleaned and furbished up as well +as he could, but he found one great defect--it would not in any part +stand one stroke from modern steel, much less one shot from modern +gun. However, as he was rather fired with the yearning to attack than +impressed with the necessity for defence, this deficiency troubled him +but little. + +In the next place he visited his steed, which though but a hobby of +wooden aspect and no paces, yet in his eyes it surpassed any charger +that the Achilles of Hawarden ever bestrode, or the Automedon of Derby +ever handled. Many days was he deliberating upon what name he should +give it; for, as he said to himself, it would be very improper that +a horse so excellent appertaining to a Knight so famous should be +without an appropriate name; he therefore endeavoured to find one that +should express what he had been before he belonged to a knight-errant, +and also what he now was; nothing could, indeed, be more reasonable +than that, when the master changed his state, the horse should +likewise change his name, and assume one pompous and high-sounding, as +became the new order he now professed. Failing in this endeavour, he +called his hobby, provisionally at least, _Ne Plus Ulster_, a name +which if it suggested a sorry joke, was so far fitting that it was +bestowed upon a sorry nag. + + *** + +In the meantime our knight-errant had brought his persuasive powers to +bear upon a humble labourer in the fields which he himself had lately +left, a neighbour of his, some said of his own distant kin, and an +honest man, but somewhat shallow-brained and self-important. In short, +he said so much, used so many arguments, that the poor fellow resolved +to sally out with him, and serve him in the capacity of a Squire. +Among other things, DON QUIXOTE told him that he ought to be very glad +to accompany him, for such an adventure might some time or the other +occur, that, by one stroke, an Island might be won, where it was +within the bounds of possibility that he, the Squire, might one day +become Governor, or at least Viceroy. With this and other promises +SANCHO PANZA (for that was the rustic's name) left his well-beloved +three acres at home, not to name a favourite cow, for a time at least, +and engaged himself as Squire to his ambitious neighbour. + + *** + +Engaged in friendly discourse, they came in sight of eighty-five or +eighty-six windmills; and as DON QUIXOTE espied them he said to +his Squire, "Fortune favours us. Look yonder, friend JESSE--I mean +SANCHO--where thou mayest discover some more than eighty disloyal +giants, and monsters of sedition, whom I intend to encounter and +slay." "What giants?" said SANCHO PANZA. "These thou seest yonder," +answered his master, "with their long and far-reaching arms, for some +are wont to have them of the full length of a league. Fly not, ye +cowards, and vile caitiffs!" he cried, "for it is a single Knight +who assaults ye! Although ye should have more arms than the giant +Briareus, ye shall pay for it!" + + *** + +And the story, so far as it has gone (it is "to be continued"), +leaves DON QUIXOTE making a prodigiously plucky assault upon the +League-limbed "giants," with what result the sequel will show. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TORSION. + +_Irish Waiter (to Bow-legged Traveller in the Coffee-room)._ "BIG +PARDON, SOR. HADN'T YOUR HONOUR BETTER MOVE A LITTLE FURTHER FROM THE +FOIRE?" + +_Traveller (fiercely)._ "EH? WHA' FOR? WHA' D'YE MEAN?!" + +_Irish Waiter._ "OCH SHURE, SOR, YER LEGS IS WARPIN'!--OCH! PHEW! MOST +TURRIBLE!"] + + * * * * * + +TO A LADY DENTIST. + + [It is announced that Ladies are to be enabled to take + diplomas in Dentistry.] + + Lady Dentist, dear thou art, + Thou hast stolen all my heart; + Take too, I shall not repine, + Modest molars such as mine; + Draw them at thine own sweet will; + Pain can come not from thy skill. + + Lady Dentist, fair to see, + Are the forceps held by thee; + Lest those pretty lips should pout, + You may pull my eye-teeth out; + I'm regardless of the pangs, + When thy hand extracts the fangs. + + Lady Dentist, hear me pray + Thou wilt visit me each day; + Welcome is the hand that comes-- + Lightly hovering o'er my gums. + Not a throne, love, could compare + With thine operating chair. + + Lady Dentist, when in sooth + You've extracted every tooth, + Take me toothless to your arms, + For the future will have charms: + Artificial teeth shall be-- + Work for you and joy for me! + + * * * * * + +ALL THE DIFFERENCE.--The Statesmen used to be called "Pillars of the +State." _Pillars!_ They now seem to contribute to its support little +but endless (newspaper) _columns_! + + * * * * * + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + +FROM A HOODED EAGLE. + + _H-tf-ld House, Friday._ + +[Illustration:] + +DEAR TOBY, + +After a too brief holiday I am back again to H-tf-ld and to L-nd-n, +and take an early opportunity of dropping you a line. I call the +interval since the House was up a holiday for convenience sake; but +what with the daily arrival of despatch boxes and the delivery of the +morning papers, the repose has been intermittent. I fancy that since +the days of Old PAM the recess has always been a mockery for the +Premier of the day. D-ZZY had some bad times from 1874 to 1880, and +GL-DST-NE'S subsequent Premiership was not a bed of roses, even in the +recess. But they at least had the satisfaction of feeling that they +were in power as well as in office. If they decided upon a particular +line of policy, they could initiate it without first inquiring how it +might suit half-a-dozen people. Moreover, each was in varying degree +supported by capable colleagues, able to hold their own on the +platform or in the House. For unhappy Me things are quite otherwise. +I may devise a policy for Ireland and elsewhere, but before I can +announce it, I must humbly learn how it suits my Lord H-RT-NGT-N and +my good friend CH-MB-RL-N. As for my colleagues and the help I receive +from them----well, that is a matter of which of course I cannot write, +even in the confidence of correspondence with you. But I may tell you +that over at Chalet C-c-l I found some little time for reading other +literature than Blue Books. Looking through SHELLEY once again, I +came upon the line descriptive of COLERIDGE, "flagging wearily through +darkness and despair," + + "A hooded eagle among blinking owls." + +I don't exactly know why, but when I think of some things that have +taken place lately, I have a strong feeling of personal sympathy with +the hooded eagle. + +But this is a trifle melancholy, and will make you think I am in +low spirits, or even that there is truth in the newspaper rumours +of failing health. Nothing of the sort, dear boy; never better in my +life. Full of health and spirits, of hope for the coming time, and +eagerness for the fray of next Session. How I have envied GL-DST-NE +going about the country making speeches which would have been twice as +effective if they had been half as long, receiving the homage of the +masses, and driving in state through the streets of Derby, with his +led Captain, H-RC-RT, on the box-seat of his carriage! What a curious +man is GL-DST-NE, the Elephant of our political life, who can in the +morning crush a Ministry, and in the afternoon achieve a petty economy +by selling waste timber. There has been a good deal written about +NAPOLEON whilst involved in his fatal campaign in Russia occupying +spare moments in drawing up regulations for the Opera House at Paris. +But what is that compared with GL-DST-NE marching through the Midlands +to upset my Government, and, _en route_, drafting an announcement +that timber felled at Hawarden by his own hand would be on sale "at a +uniform charge, viz., 1s., 6d. for a small log, or 3s. per cubic foot, +exclusive of railway carriage." Of course I know that WILLIAM HENRY +has gallantly rushed into the breach, and avowed the authorship of +this remarkable proclamation. But if W. H. is allowed to do this kind +of thing without consultation or authority, all I can say is that +discipline at Hawarden is fatally faulty. Besides, amiable and +engaging as he is, I do not believe that W. H. is equal to the +unassisted concoction of this incomparable production. However it be, +no one but GL-DST-NE could stand the ridicule of the thing, and he +doubtless doesn't feel it. + +How is GR-ND-LPH getting on? Not so well as he used, I fancy. His new +attitude of friendly neutrality does not suit him, and is, moreover, +not nearly so attractive with the people as what I may call his +Malayan manner, when he used to run amuck at everybody, including +myself. It was a very dull speech he made at Sunderland on Thursday. +He must certainly wake up, if he means to keep his old place. Perhaps +he is, like me, getting aweary of the whole thing, and wishes he were +well out of it. If I had my will, I would cut the whole business, and +spend my days and nights in the laboratory here. But that cannot be, +for the present at least. So you will hear from me soon in the midst +of the fray; and, in the meantime, mind you understand that I am in +the best of spirits, confident in the present, and hopeful for the +future. + + Yours, faithfully, S-L-SB-RY. + + * * * * * + +"COLD ID BY DOZE." + +[Illustration] + + I've got such a hoddible cold id by head, + Upod by word, I wish I was dead; + I really thig I shall go to bed, + Ad tallow by doze, as the Doctor said; + He's cubig agaid this afterdood; + Why, it's half-past three, he'll be here sood, + Ad gib me sub bore of his beastly drugs, + Ad tell me to keep warb udder the rugs. + Achoo! Achoo! + Oh! what shall I do? + I've coughed ad sdeezed till I'be dearly blue, + Ad by doze is so sore, + I card blow it bore, + It feels as tedder as if it was raw; + Subbody told be he'd heard of sub stuff + Which you'd odely to sdiff, ad that was eduff; + What did he call it? Alkarab, + I'll sedd for sub--I suppose it's a shab-- + They always are. Achoo! Achoo! + I thig I'be dyig! Oh! what shall I do? + Yes, this is the stuff that fellow said + Was sure to cure a cold id the head; + Two or three sdiffs the beggar swore + Would bake you as well as you were before. + (_He sniffs._) Upod my soul, I believe he's right, + I'be gettig better--it's wonderful quite, + I albost feel as if I bight + Go out and dide at the Club to-dight. + + (_He continueth sniffing._) + + I really will, I feel quite well, + As fresh as a rose, and as sound as a bell, + And I'll always swear that the only balm + For a cold in the head is Alkaram. + "Here, JOHN, put out my evening clothes." + I'll take my grub + To-night at the Club. + Soup, fish, and a bird, with a pint of Larose, + I think that ought to complete the cure, + And make assurance double sure. + Achoo! Hullo! + Why here's a go! + Achoo! Atishoo! Oh dear! Oh dear! + It's all begiddig agaid, I fear; + You card get rid of a cold like bide + By sbellig a bottle of bedicide! + Soup ad fish! it's absurd, + Or to thigk of a bird, + When you card prodoudce a siggle word, + Ad as for Larose, the tipple for be + Is a cup of boilig lidseed tea. + I'll go to bed, + Ad wrap a red + Welsh fladdel baddage roud by head, + Ad stay at hobe for a budth at least, + Till this beastly widd's do logger East. + + _South Kedsigtod._ + + * * * * * + +PRO BONO PUBLICO. + +[Illustration] + +A Mob-Cap was once upon a time a picturesque finish to a pretty face, +and it was of home-manufacture. Now the Mob-Cap is a red abomination, +typical of bloodshed and crime, of foreign make, and is mis-called the +Cap of Liberty, which, properly translated, is the Cap of Licence. It +certainly is not "The Cap of Maintenance," as it is adopted by those +who would disdain work, even if it were offered them. + +Not for the first time has _Mr. Punch_ raised his voice against Street +Processions, which have developed into one of the greatest nuisances +of the present time, destructive of trade, detrimental to every kind +of regular business, and a disgrace to our orderly and respectable +London. All processions in London ought to be prohibited, with the +exception of such State, Civic, or Ecclesiastical processions as may +be deemed essential to the dignity of authority, and which have been, +and still are, a source of real pleasure to the Londoners, who dearly +love a show, when there is due and proper occasion for it. + +If the Salvationist Army processions, with their tambourines, drums, +and inharmonious bands, are permitted on Sunday (which English people +were wont to observe in peace and quietness), then consistently a +Socialist procession must be allowed. And what other processions? +Freemasons, Religious Guilds, Clubs,--why should not the members of +the Reform, the Athenaeum, the Conservative, the National Liberal, +organise processions? Why not the Garrick Club, headed by Mr. HENRY +IRVING and Friend TOOLE, with banners emblazoned with playbills? No. +"Reform it altogether." + +And as to the liberty of out-of-door public meetings. Let Trafalgar +Square be explicitly forbidden to these mischievous anarchists, +of whom the majority are the dupes and tools of firebrand foreign +Communists. Let certain places be allotted to them for "airing their +grievances," and let each of these places be at least four miles +distant from Charing-Cross. Our Parks are the "Lungs of London," and +if these Lungs be congested, the health of London will materially +suffer. How many hundreds are now prevented from entering the Parks by +the fear of King Mob and his rabble rout? Children and nursery-maids +dare not take their recreation in our Parks. Think of that, ye +Privates of the Cavalry and Infantry, and to a man you will be the +first to declare for the freedom of the Parks. Let one of the first +enactments of the next Session be a Bill to Regulate Processions and +Out-of-door Meetings. Let it be a liberal measure--in the true sense +of liberal; that is, showing due consideration for everybody--and let +it come into operation as soon as possible. + + PUNCH + + * * * * * + +KNIGHT THOUGHTS. + +Sir HENRY KNIGHT seems to be of opinion that luxurious living, +Aldermanic and otherwise, must be a good thing for the poor, because +"Money spent in entertainment goes into the pockets of the working +classes." If that is so, Dives, in order to benefit Lazarus, can +hardly do better than go on faring sumptuously every day. And yet +somehow, as a matter of fact, the more Dives feeds the more Lazarus +famishes. How is this, O Knight of the Round (Dinner) Table? + +"Neither luxury, nor anything else," says the philosophical ex-Lord +Mayor, "can be indulged in without purchasing the materials which +contribute to or from which the luxury is obtained." _Argal_, the +more luxury among the rich the more money in the pockets of the poor. +Cheering thought!--for civic _gourmands_ and fashionable fine ladies! +Did not a great financier once suggest that England, which fought +itself into debt, might drink itself out of it? Here seems to be a +chance of eating ourselves out of poverty, of dining ourselves out of +destitution. Are there any real "Unemployed" about? Let those who have +money spend more of it in "entertainments" and the problem is solved +without recourse to Mansion House Funds, Public Works, Eight Hour +Movements, or other schemes philanthropical or revolutionary. + +KNIGHT'S panacea for poverty, this proposal to cure it by +"entertainment," is certainly, in one sense, entertaining. But it is +to be feared that it can hardly be entertained. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +INVERTED DOMESTIC AND OTHER. + +A GOOD PLAIN MISTRESS WANTED by a competent and highly experienced +Cook. Must be a thorough lady, accustomed to making herself generally +agreeable, and to not prying into household matters which do not +concern her. She will not be expected to visit her own kitchen, +inquire into the amount of her own weekly books, keep the key of +the beer, or object to the occasional visits of members of the local +Police Force, in which the advertiser has several near relatives. A +little dinner on a small scale now and then will not be objected +to, but seeing much company cannot for a moment be entertained. An +unexceptionable character from the three last cooks who have filled +the place, indispensable. Apply, M.B. Eligible Family Supply Agency, +Walker Street, W. + + *** + +TRAVELLING NOBLEMAN WANTED. A Courier who has a slight acquaintance +with the French and German languages, and wishes to air them in the +course of a pleasant and enjoyable little outing, is desirous +of meeting with a well-recommended aristocrat of unquestionable +antecedents, who wishes to visit the leading towns of the Continent +in thoroughly first-class style. The advertiser, who would select the +routes, generally direct the character of the tour, and expect to have +charge of the cheque-book, would stipulate that under no circumstances +should any question be raised on the score of expense. None but +Noblemen of a confiding disposition, that can be vouched for by +testimonials from their near relatives, need apply. Communicate with +A. X., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +A REAL GENTLEMAN, who isn't too particular, wanted immediately by a +Coachman, who will, when sober, undertake to drive his carriage and +pair for him anywhere he likes about the Metropolis, and beyond, +without smashing him up. Mustn't be hasty and close over stable +expenses. Any quiet old duffer, who has been accustomed to let things +go their own way without interfering, preferred. Apply to JEHU, +Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +A LADY OF TITLE WANTED by A COMPANION who would undertake to offer her +Society in consideration of sharing the carriage, home, recreations, +pleasures, friends, and general social _entourage_ of her employer. +As the Advertiser has for some years figured prominently as a garrison +hack, and has been somewhat blown upon in consequence, she will not be +too particular as to the character of the particular "Set" into which +her new surroundings may introduce her; but as she has, by outliving +her income, already run through the little money she possessed, she +will expect a salary of not less than L100 a year, to enable her to +dress up to the false position she has in contemplation to occupy. +No recognised old Dowagers, who live a quiet and retired life, need +answer this Advertisement. No references expected or offered. N. W., +Eligible Family Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +SOFT-HEADED NOBLEMAN OR GENTLEMAN wanted by a shrewd, shifty, pushing, +out-at-elbows Adventurer, desirous of filling the post of Private +Secretary, and so worming himself into an assured position of intimate +family confidence. Would suit a Duke threatened with incipient +paralysis. Apply, DIPLOMATICUS, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker +Street, W. + + *** + +CHEERFUL AND WILLING MISTRESS WANTED by an Under-Housemaid who wears +a fringe and latest form of Dress-Improver, and considers herself +generally attractive. State number of Men Servants, and furnish +particulars of the sort of society that may be expected down-stairs. +Advertiser will expect to receive her own friends on the afternoons of +not less than three days in each week. Mistress may refer to servants +at present staying in house, who can speak favourably as to her +character. Apply, HILDA, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, +W. + + *** + +USEFUL AND ACTIVE MISTRESS REQUIRED by a General Servant who will +expect her to do her fair share of the work. Master must clean the +windows and his own boots, and as advertiser is not an early riser, +get up when necessary, and let in the sweeps. Entire Sundays expected +out and no interference with visits of the Marine Store Dealer. +Character Mutual. S. S. S., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker +Street, W. + + *** + +THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY undertake to provide exacting and +particular modern Domestics with thoroughly satisfactory Masters and +Mistresses. + + *** + +THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY have at the present moment +applications from several Invalid Gentlemen who require care and +solicitude, and will be glad to hear from Widows with an eye to the +main chance, and "Superior" Housekeepers desirous of getting hold of +an unquestionably good thing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT. + +_Jones (of Hampstead)._ "THIS IS ONE OF OUR CELEBRATED PONDS. YOU'VE +HEARD OF THEM, EH, GRIGSBY?" + +_Grigsby (who has never been to Hampstead before)._ "_HEARD_ OF 'EM? I +SHOULD THINK SO--EVER SINCE I WAS A BOY! WHY, THE _PONDS ASINORUM_, OF +COURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TWO VOICES. + + "That this representative body of Working-men, representing + the _bona fide_ Unemployed Workmen of the East and South-East + of London, beg to place on record their entire want of + sympathy, and their utter condemnation of the recent + conduct which has been made in the name of the + Unemployed."--_Resolution passed at a Meeting of + Representative Workmen, held in Whitechapel, for the purpose + "of considering the present position of the Unemployed + Workmen, and the grave events of last week."_ + + The Unemployed? Well, here I stand, + Have stood for many weary weeks, + With sinking heart and idle hand, + Hunger's white ensign on my cheeks. + I raise no howl + Like yon plump ruffian with the bull-dog jowl; + But the smug swells, with pleasure's honey cloyed, + May see in me the real Unemployed! + + Oh, yes! this hand is used to work, + The hardness has not left its palm. + I'm no black-coated spouting shirk, + Like him upon the tub there. Calm? + By Heaven, I choke! + Could I but fell the gang at one sharp stroke, + Ranters who rail, and roughs who watch for spoil, + 'Twere one good blow in the true cause of Toil. + + How shall I make my poor Voice heard + 'Midst this brute shindy, brainless, mad? + The slime-deeps of the town are stirred, + All that's bloodthirsty, blatant, bad, + Comes, surging up; + And I--ah! I hang back and drain the cup + Of bitter want in silence, blent with shame + At this base smirching of a Man's good name. + + And then the cynic cacklers crow + In their snug cushions; crow and cry: + "Oh, the whole thing's a farce, you know. + The old sham play of Poverty, + Pushed just once more + Upon the public boards. An awful bore!" + So (whilst we starve) the well-fed idlers scoff + At the spoilt tragedy, and cry, "Off! Off!" + + Ah! the sleek fops should take a turn + At the long, weary foot-sore tramp, + In search of work, till sick hearts burn, + Till the cold flags or footways damp, + Of London seem + The endless mazes of some devilish dream, + And tempting visions haunt the fevered head, + Of the sharp knife-edge or the river's bed. + + Wrong? Oh, of course! Our duty lies, + In dull endurance to the end. + The faces pale, the pleading eyes, + Of wife and children, looks that rend + A fellow's heart, + And make hot curses from his cold lips start, + These should not madden men unto the pitch, + Of _violent_ despair. So preach the rich! + + And yonder yelling fools contrive + To lend some truth to Mammon's text. + The laziest larrikin alive, + With babbling tongue and braid perplext, + Can help do _that_; + Whilst I?--a broken head or beaten hat + Will not so help me in my present state + That I should greatly care to "demonstrate." + + Only if such a Voice as mine + Could penetrate the public ear, + Deafened with all this windy shine, + And muddled 'twixt contempt and fear; + I rather think + I would tell some truths might make the scoffers shrink. + But _I_ compete with yonder wolf-eyed brute? + No; I can easier suffer and stand mute. + + If that's a strong, well-ordered state, + Where tens of thousands like myself, + With willing hands, must starve and wait, + Whilst piles of swiftly growing pelf, + Sweated from toil, + Swell for the lords of capital and soil, + Then--you may rear a city on foul slime, + And build Society on want and crime. + + My Voice! Men will not listen--yet; + And when they open ears at last, + Bludgeon won't cure, nor bayonet. + Meanwhile yon brayer at full blast + Belies my cause, + 'Midst foolish jeers and foolisher applause; + And preachers prose, and statesmen tinker on, + And we--we starve in gold-choked Babylon! + + * * * * * + +"My Nephew, who is very fond of pictures," said Mrs. RAM, "has +just purchased the finest Pot o' Jelly I have ever seen." Can it be +possible that the dear old lady meant Botticelli? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TWO VOICES. + +ONE OF THE REAL "UNEMPLOYED."--"HOW AM I TO MAKE _MY_ VOICE HEARD IN +THIS BLACKGUARD ROW!!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +SCENE--_Trafalgar Square. Several thousand loafers and roughs +discovered asserting right of free speech, free meeting and free +procession. A few hundred genuine artisans out of work standing about +moodily. Lines of Policemen drawn up in reserve look on impassively._ + +_A Lover of Liberty._ As an Englishman, Sir, I'm disgusted--it's +_un-English_, that's what it is, "dragooning" an inoffensive assembly +like this! I _used_ to think freedom of speech and action was the +right of every Briton--but it seems we're to be overawed by the Police +now--confounded impertinence on the part of the Government, I call it! + +[Illustration: "Hooky Walker!" + + "... The Leaders, H. George, _and the man whose name was said + to be_ Walker, put up their coat-collars and sneaked away + under the trees."--_Newspaper Report._ +] + +_An Orator (leaping suddenly on parapet)._ Feller Citizens, are you +_Men_ that you stand by with folded 'ands, while unlimited food and +wealth lays within a stone's throw? I want yer---- + +_Constables (behind)._ Ah, and we want _you_--off you go! + +[_Disappearance of Orator in direction of Police-station._ + +_Lover of Liberty._ Shame! Is a man to be punished for his opinions? +Oh, England, England! + +_Person in Search of Sensation (disappointedly)._ Well, there doesn't +seem much doing,--so far. + +_Squalid Vagabond (recognising_ Stalwart Constable, _whom he has +apparently met before in a professional capacity_). 'Ow _are_ yer, +pretty bobbish? + +[_Nods to show he bears no malice._ + +_Stalwart C. (good-humouredly)._ I'm much as usual, thankee. + +_Companion Constable (to S. C.)._ Well, you _do_ know some rough 'uns, +I must say! + +_Stalwart C._ Go on--that gentleman's a West-Ender. + +_Professional "Hook" (to line of Policemen)._ So _you_'re 'ere, are +you? Well, me and my pal must take _our_ little prominade some hother +arternoon, that's all! + +_Sympathiser (to Loafer)._ And so you've actually been out of +employment since last January? Monstrous! The Government ought to find +you work! + +_Loafer._ Jes' what _I_ say, Guv'nor. Let 'em gimme work, and I'll +_do_ it fast enough. _I_ don't want ter be idle. I ain't on'y my one +trade to earn my bread by--but I'll work at that, if I'm let! + +_Sympathiser._ Exactly, my poor fellow, and what _is_ your trade? + +_Loafer._ Why, I'm a skate-fastener, I am; puts on parties' skates for +'em,--and 'ere I am--not 'ad a job for months! + +_Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Observer)._ Hunimployed? + +_Quiet Obs._ Yes--at present. + +_T. R._ Too many o' them bloomin' Coppers about, to _my_ mind--I'd +like to slug the lot--they're the ruin of _our_ bisness! + +_Quiet Obs._ Ah, you're right _there_! + +_Demagogue (to Police Sergeant)._ Now, don't you interfere--that's +all _I_ ask. _I'll_ speak to them--I have them thoroughly in hand +just now, but, if you offer them the least opposition, I--(_with much +solemnity_) well, I won't be responsible for what happens. (_He is +allowed to address the multitude._) Friends, you are met here in this +peaceful but imposing manner in the teeth of a brutal and overbearing +Constabulary, to show the bloated Capitalists, who are now trembling +behind their tills, that we mean to be taken seriously! Yes, in our +squalor and our rags---- + +[_Throws open frock-coat, and displays thick gold watch-chain._ + +_Mob._ Yah, pitch us over yer red slang! take orf that ere nobby coat! +Harristocrat! Yah! + +_Dem. (complacently)._ It is true that I myself am not in absolute +destitution.--But what of that, my friends? Can I not _feel_---- + +[_Here a turnip strikes him in the eye. Yells of "Down with him!" +"Duck him!" "Spy!" "Traitor!" Mob pulls him down and attempts to take +him to pieces._ + +_Dem. (faintly)._ Here, hi, Policemen, help! Why the devil don't you +use your staves? [_Is rescued and assisted home by Police._ + +_A Rough (to Policeman)._ Keep moving? ah, _I'll_ move! [_Kicks him on +the knee-cap. Policeman draws truncheon and hits back._ + +_Crowd (indignantly)._ Boo! Coward! Strikin' a unarmed man--down with +'im! [_They beat brutal Constable to a jelly._ + +_The Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Obs.)_ Are you game for a merry ole +lark? + +_Quiet Obs._ You _try_ me--that's all! + +_T. R._ Then, as them cowards of cops 'ave as much on their 'ands as +they kin do with, now's the time for a bit of a loot! Pass the word to +them mates o' yourn--"Pall Mall and no tyranny!" + +_Quiet Obs._ I've done it--they're only waiting for _you._ + +_T. R. (suddenly producing red handkerchief)._ There--_now_, boys! +"Remember Mitchelstown and no brutal perlice!" Foller me! + +_Quiet Obs. (arresting him)._ No, you'll follow us, please--you won't +do no good kicking, all right, mates, we've got him. + +_T. R._ Oh, please, I didn't know you was a Policeman, Sir, or I +shouldn't ha' spoke! Strike me dead I was on'y in fun! (_Whimpers._) +And I've a good ole mother at 'ome, Sir. + +_The Person in Search of Sensation._ What, another arrest? and simply +for showing a red handkerchief! I shall write and describe these +atrocities. How abominably these police are behaving--actually +defending themselves, the blackguards! + +[_A Policeman accidentally lifts his arm, whereupon about fifty youths +scurry like rabbits; in the rush, the Person in search of Sensation +is hustled and slightly trampled on. He becomes annoyed, and hits out +right and left--eventually striking a Constable in his excitement._ + +_Const. (who has been without sleep for the last two days and has just +had his cheek laid open by a stone)._ 'Ere, you come along with me, +you're one of the wust, you are! + +_The Person._ But I assure you, I just came to see what there was to +be seen! + +_Const._ Well, you come along with me, and you'll see a Magistrit +presently. + +[The Person _resists; struggle; arrival of reinforcements; exit party, +in "frog's-marching" order, conveying him to fresh sensations._ + +_The Lover of Liberty (emerging from crush)._ My hat ruined, my coat +split down the back, and my watch gone! I _told_ the crowd I was with +them heart and soul--and they hit me in the stomach! What do we keep +our police _for_, I want to know? + +_Professional (emerging in opposite direction)._ Three red clocks, two +pusses, and a white slang, I ain't done so dusty! 'Ooray for the right +o' Free Meetin', _I_ sez! + +_Genuine Unemployed (wearily)._ Well, I dunno as I see what good all +this 'ere is a goin' to do _hus_! [_And no more does Mr. Punch._ + + * * * * * + +FROM MR. HENRY IRVING'S NOTE-BOOK. + +(_Published without permission._) + +_Stratford-on-Avon, October 18._--Speech at the Opening-of-Fountain +ceremony went very well. Some distinguished Americans were not there, +notably Mr. ABBEY. In consequence, had to omit all reference to "Abbey +Thought" and "Fountains Abbey," which, as J. L. T. suggested in his +letter, would have lightened the entertainment considerably. Also very +annoying, but I never thought of it till too late; I quite forgot to +say anything about BUFFALO BILL. CODY will be hurt; but I shall be in +America before he gets back there, so it doesn't much matter. Yet it +was a chance lost. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, WILLIAM CODY, Buffalo BILL, +Swan SHAKSPEARE. No matter, keep it for another time. And at the last +moment I could not make out what I had written on my wristband as a +mem. for speech. It was _a propos_ of Mr. CHILD'S gift. I see now +it was something about "Child's the father to the man." And then an +allusion to the sympathy between America and England as not being mere +"Child's-play." Very odd, how I forgot that. Still, speech couldn't +have gone better. + +And how on earth I omitted to make any mention of Miss MARY ANDERSON I +can't understand! Yet the fact that this fair American is now playing +at the Lyceum ought to have stuck in my memory which yet holds its +seat in this distracted brain. And, dear me, there was the American +Minister present, and yet--bother it!--it never occurred to me, till +I was dressing this evening, hours afterwards, that I ought to have +remarked on the fact that America was represented here on this special +Dramatic occasion by a gentleman bearing a name so honoured alike by +English and American actors, and so dear to the theatrical profession +as must always be that of "PHELPS." But this will keep, too, for +another time. And, after all, in spite of these omissions, which of +course nobody noticed, the speech went admirably. + + * * * * * + +Nottingham v. Sunderland. + + "There's _no_ Liberal Party!" cries GRANDOLPH the bold. + "Hooray!" shout the Tories, "the straightest of shots!" + But the faithful who flock to the G. O. M.'s fold. + Say, "Our old party bonds are re-tied now--in _Notts_!" + + * * * * * + +THE AXE PREMIER'S AUCTION. + +[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "FINE CHIPS OF THE OLD BLOCK, GENTLEMEN! +SPLENDID SPECIMENS OF THE HAWARDEN TIMBER, IN THE SALE OF WHICH, +GENTLEMEN, I ASSURE YOU, I HAVE 'NO INTEREST WHATEVER.'" ("_Hear! +hear!_") "NOW, GENTLEMEN, HOW MUCH SHALL WE SAY FOR THIS CHIP, WHICH I +LOPPED OFF WHEN I WAS LEAVING HAWARDEN--WHEN I WAS 'CUTTING MY STICK,' +IN FACT." (_Laughter._) "WHO BIDS FOR THIS? DON'T BE ALL FAGOT-VOTING +AT ONCE!" (_Laughter and Cheers._) "NOW THEN,--FIFTEEN SHILLINGS, TEN +SHILLINGS, SEVEN, FIVE, EIGHTEENPENCE,--ANY ADVANCE ON EIGHTEENPENCE? +GOING! GOING! GOING! GONE! GONE FOR EIGHTEENPENCE, AND CHIP AT THE +PRICE!" [_Auction Continues._] + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED. + +SIR,--Excellent as is the suggestion of your Correspondent, "ONE WHO +WOULD ELEVATE THEM," that the Unemployed should be forthwith put into +the hands of some competent Ballet-Master, and after a proper course +of instruction, despatched to all the Board Schools in England for +the purpose of teaching every pupil who has passed the Sixth Standard, +dancing and deportment, yet I do not think he goes far enough. +Why stop at this comparatively subordinate art? Why not make them +musicians, teach them to play WAGNER, and despatch them straightway +through the length and breadth of the land as enthusiastic Apostles of +the great Master? What a glorious prospect to turn the three or four +thousand idle loafers who have lately been hulking about Trafalgar +Square for the purpose of breaking the peace, into a mighty army of +skilled fiddlers eager to wake the glad strains of the spirit-stirring +Music of the Future in every quiet village green through the three +Kingdoms. And the accomplishment of such a task need not be set aside +as the wild vision of some hopeless dreamer. I am convinced, Sir, that +if the authorities of the Royal College and Guildhall School of +Music, but set their shoulders to the wheel, the thing will soon be an +accomplished fact. Such, Sir, at all events, is the opinion of one who +believes firmly in + + "THE SOUL OF THE MASSES." + +SIR,--Why not paint the whole of London, public buildings and +all?--I'm sure they want it. The latter might be done in different +colours. St. Paul's, for instance, might be orange, Westminster Abbey +pea-green, and the Houses of Parliament a bright blue. If the effect +were found unsatisfactory, fresh colours could be tried, until +something were hit upon that should be considered suitable. This +would afford the additional advantage of providing fresh work for the +Unemployed. I don't see what else can be done. Everybody can use a +brush, and with a couple, or say, three coats all over the Metropolis, +there would be plenty to occupy everybody for the next six months. +As to expense, an extra 15s. tacked on to the rates would soon settle +that, and I'll be bound there's many a householder willing to face +that trifling alternative, together with + + Yours, practically, one who takes + "THE BULL BY THE HORNS." + +SIR,--I cannot but think that, if BUFFALO BILL were to introduce +the "Unemployed" into his Show, he would score a big success. The +introduction might take the shape of a contest between the "Wild East" +and the "Wild West." The former might be armed with brickbats and +park-railings, and the latter with their usual weapons; and, were it +known that a little genuine blood would be drawn in the entertainment, +it might be safely counted on to draw all London. I throw out the +suggestion for what it is worth. + + Your obedient servant, + "A COMMERCIAL WELL-WISHER." + +SIR,--As at the present season of the year nothing is more common than +to find the stalls of most of the leading West-End theatres empty, a +fact which has a very chilling effect on the efforts of the players, +why not fill the empty places with the so-called "Unemployed"? A warm +bath, a suit of evening clothes, clean shirt, and white tie would +instantly fit the veriest outcast that has recently come into +collision with the police in Hyde Park or elsewhere, at least +outwardly, for the social atmosphere of the place. A central committee +might at once be inaugurated for the supply of these necessary +preliminaries for admission, and a thousand or two excellent +substitutes for the ordinary _habitues_ forthwith launched nightly +among what is at the present moment left of the fashionable play-going +world in the Metropolis. The advantage would cut both ways. Not only +would the Management be blessed by the appearance of a perfectly +full house, but the loafers, professional thieves, and ruffians who +produced it would, no doubt, endeavour to play up to their clothes and +surroundings, and, on receipt of a small retaining-fee of 3s. 6d. a +head for their attendance, be proportionately softened and civilised +by the process. This, Sir, seems to me a very legitimate, humane, and +philosophical method of dealing with the present crisis, and as such I +trust it will as powerfully recommend itself to your readers as it has +to + + Yours thoughtfully, + "A PLEASURE-SEEKING SOCIALIST." + +SIR,--What are the authorities about that they do not at once embank +the river on both sides up to Richmond, and span it with five bridges +between this and Gravesend? Then there's the whole of Piccadilly +to come down and be rebuilt with the road properly levelled, to +say nothing of a great Central Terminus in Soho Square uniting the +Midland, North and Great Western, Great Northern with the Great +Eastern, and all the Great Southern lines. Add to this, that the +entire gas-piping of the Metropolis ought to come up bodily, and make +way for the installation of the Electric Light, to say nothing of the +fixing in all the leading thoroughfares of overhead railways on the +New York principle, and you have enough work at least to begin upon +and meet the present crisis. Let the Board of Works and the various +Vestries set to work at once, and as soon as Parliament assembles +let it be asked to vote Five-hundred Millions towards preliminary +expenses. This, Sir, is, I am convinced, the only reasonable and +efficient way of dealing with the present unsatisfactory aspect of the +labour question. Such is the opinion of + + Yours energetically, + "A ROUSED ALARMIST." + +SIR,--When the Police have fairly and effectually cleared off the +loafers, not-do-a-stroke-of-work gentry, and the sedition-mongers, +then we can turn our attention to the wants of the genuine Unemployed. +Their case is by no means beyond us. It only needs the active and +intelligent co-operation among the administrators of charitable funds +and agencies, the Poor-Law Authorities, employers of labour, and +others, to give immediate and practical effect to the wide-spread +sympathy felt for them by all classes of their more fortunate +fellow-countrymen, including your quite sober-minded and +charitably-disposed Correspondent, + + "COMMON SENSE." + + * * * * * + +DERBY AND GLADSTONE. + +(_A Speech summarised in a Stanza._) + +AIR--"_Darby and Joan._" + + DERBY, dear, I am old and grey, + Fifty-five years since my opening day, + "Ins" and "Outs" are for every one + As the world goes round. + Derby, dear, I must fain admit + I've altered my mind, just a little bit. + But I learnt freedom's lesson in Forty-five, + And I mean to be true to it whilst I'm alive. + Always the same, + Derby, my own, + Always the same + Is your old GLADSTONE! + + * * * * * + +THE ACTOR'S PROGRESS. + +Within the last half-century, the education of actors has advanced in +an extraordinary degree, inasmuch as some have been known to take +a degree, or try to, at the University. Therefore the following +advertisement in the _Era_ will probably cause little surprise:-- + + WANTED, for La Comedie Anglaise, a Light Comedian, for a few + Weeks, while a Member of the Company returns to Oxford to take + his degree. Must be a gentleman. Address, &c. + +This gentleman, to use the language of the _Era_, seems inclined to +"combine leading business with general utility." It is to be hoped he +will get his degree, and return to be an ornament to the stage. But if +this kind of thing goes on, we shall probably eventually see announced +in our theatrical contemporary--"Senior Wrangler and Light Comedian +open to engagement in first-class Company." + + * * * * * + +"THE REVERSIBLE PEN-CLEANER," recently invented by DE LA RUE & CO., +will be most useful to Leader-writers, Politicians, Journalists, and +everybody in the habit of using "reversible pens," or pens that can +write equally well on both sides. Such pens must occasionally require +cleaning; and to be cleaned in this pad they must remain upright. + + *** + +"A WINTER'S TALE."--That of poverty and distress, which we must do our +best to relieve. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MIDDLE AGE. + +"YOU'RE GETTING LONG-SIGHTED, DEAREST. YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES." + +"STUFF AND NONSENSE! IT'S NOT MY SIGHT THAT'S LONG--IT'S MY ARMS THAT +AREN'T LONG _ENOUGH_!"] + + * * * * * + +EUTHANASIA.--In a certain Western newspaper we read the following +startling announcement, in relation to the decease of a certain lady +whose obituary notice appears in its columns:-- + + "More or less an invalid for a considerable time past, + latterly she has been under the care of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, + and her death was not therefore altogether unexpected." + +What a lift for the two Medicos mentioned! They, no doubt, are now +blessing that Western Editor for inserting this gratuitous tribute +to their curative skill. Their motto for the future should +be--"_Removals_ conducted with punctuality and dispatch." + + * * * * * + +STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO. + +NO. XXX.--MR. ALDERMAN SLOCOACH. + +[Illustration] + +What a strange, unreal, almost incomprehensible life must that of +a City Alderman be at the present time. Regarded in the light of +centuries ago, it all seems in accordance with the fitness of things, +and neither ludicrous nor out of place. But now, in these days of +earnestness and common sense, what a great sham it seems to the merely +superficial observer, and yet, however great an anomaly it may appear, +when tested by results it seems to work fairly well. + +Suppose we take Mr. Alderman SLOCOACH as an example. He was taken from +his warehouse, some years ago, and made an Alderman by the votes +of some three or four hundred of the rate-payers of his Ward, the +majority of whom knew little or nothing about him, and probably +cared less, and in a week or two, he found himself seated on the +Magistrate's Bench at Guildhall, to declare the Law, of which he +literally knew nothing, and to administer Justice under circumstances +so apparently absurd as to be hardly credible. Being probably a +conscientious man, and knowing his utter ignorance of the duties +that his position demanded of him, what was he to do? What he did was +probably the best he could do under the circumstances, and thinking, +as he told an old friend with whom he conversed on the matter, that it +was better, as err he must, to err on the side of mercy, he made it a +point always to consult the Clerk of the Court, and whatever amount of +punishment he advised him to inflict, he generally halved it. + +Having long since got thoroughly accustomed to the whole matter, and +having acquired a certain amount of dignity of demeanour, he is able +to go through the wondrous ceremony with comparative ease, but is +still greatly troubled with certain qualms of conscience in certain +special cases. For instance, when fining a poor working-man five +shillings for drunkenness,--he having met an old friend and been +persuaded to take more than was good for him,--and that amount +probably constituting a full day's income, his thoughts will revert +to that particularly jovial banquet with his worshipful Company +the previous evening, and whether some one or two of the guests not +sufficiently seasoned to these matters, were not quite as guilty as +the poor workman he had just fined, and how they would like to have to +pay a day's income for this folly, amounting in one case to probably +L100! and yet possibly the workman had the better excuse of the two! +And then, again, there is that very awkward and puzzling question, +that so troubles some of his more conscientious brethren as well as +himself, that of punishment for gambling. When inflicting some of +those very heavy fines and penalties, which he is told it is his +bounden duty to do in the case of betting in public houses, his +thoughts must revert to those two most intimate friends of his who are +regular visitors at TATTERSALL'S in the height of the racing season; +and also to the fact that he himself, as his stock-broker well knows, +after leaving the Bench, occasionally wends his way to Capel Court, +and buys or sells for the account to very very large amounts; and, +though he probably tries his best, as others do, to convince himself +that there is no doubt a very great difference between the cases +of Mr. BUNG and Mr. TATTERSALL, and between playing cards for +half-crowns, and buying or selling L50,000 Consols for the account, it +was not until his conscience had lost its natural elasticity that he +succeeded, and, even now its twinges are, occasionally, very sharp. + +When Alderman SLOCOACH was first elected to his high position, his +great delight was to attend at the Old Bailey, and occupy a seat on +the judicial Bench, and enjoy the supreme satisfaction of feeling +that, without his absolutely useless presence, the whole proceedings +must necessarily come to a stand-still, and fond memory still looks +back to the occasion on which one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges actually +said to him, in quite a friendly manner, "Shall _we_ say twelve +or fifteen months, Alderman?" On the other hand, he will probably +remember, to his dying day, the look of mingled anger and contempt +with which he was received by another of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, of +rather irascible temper, when he rushed breathless into Court, having, +by his absence, delayed the proceedings for more than an hour. + +Naturally, the one particular event to which an Alderman looks forward +with the most especial anticipations of honour and renown, is the +year of his Mayoralty, when he will have his otherwise humble name +associated with those of the famous men who, in very different times +to those in which we live, ruled the great City, with courage and +discretion. + +Much, however, depends upon the public events of his year of office, +as to its importance, or want of it, to himself personally, and Mr. +Alderman SLOCOACH was not particularly fortunate in that respect. +There was no European Monarch on a visit to this country, whom the +Corporation was requested by the Government to honour, with the +customary satisfactory result to the Lord Mayor of the day; there was +no public ceremonial of unusual importance that required the brilliant +surroundings of Civic pomp to give it full _eclat_, and as his year of +office approached its termination, his solemn look became more solemn, +and his hopes evidently grew fainter and fainter. But fortune was kind +to him, and a change of Government, which made it desirable to gain +the City's sweet voices, brought him the coveted honour. + +Like most of his colleagues who have what is technically called +"passed the Chair," he takes things very coolly, probably thinking +that nothing remains to be done after having passed through such an +ordeal. But there is one especial duty still left for Aldermen to +perform from which he is seldom absent. They have been deprived of +their control over prisons, and of their government of the Royal +Hospitals, their control of the Police is almost nominal, but they +still have charge of City Lunatics, and it is said that Alderman +SLOCOACH is seldom absent from the official visits to them, when the +reciprocity of feeling manifested between the poor patients and their +visitor is described as quite touching. He is also often seen at City +Banquets, and is always quite ready to return thanks for what he calls +the Grand Old Corporation, and repeats with painful iteration the old +bit of twaddle about the infallibility of Aldermanic judgments and +the increasing popularity of their order; but he is wonderfully +good-natured, devotes a great deal of time to the gratuitous +performance of public duties, assists very efficiently in brightening +up many an otherwise dull scene with the brilliancy of his handsome +scarlet robe, and would, with his worshipful Brethren, be much missed +if deprived of those civic functions that have been performed by them, +and such as they, for many centuries past, and which entitle them in +all respects to the esteem of their fellow citizens as a trustworthy, +sober and honourable body of men. + + * * * * * + +IMPERIAL INSTITUTORS. + +Sir F. ABEL, the organising Secretary of the Imperial Institute, +recently issued a very agreeable and pleasing memorandum to the +Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others who have assumed an +active part in support of the undertaking. After describing the +"large measure of success" that has attended the efforts of the local +Committees throughout the country, Sir FREDERICK goes on to say that +a "considerable number" of them have "signified their willingness +to prolong their operations with the especial object of obtaining +additions to the 'Endowment Fund' of the Institute which is about to +be created." This is but natural. Taking into consideration the fact +that in many quarters a handsome subscription to the funds of the +Institute has been regarded as a sure passport to honour, and that +the non-distribution of titles right and left among a lot of +small provincial celebrities has already occasioned a good deal of +heartburning and disappointment, this new lease of life, affording +them, as it does, a fresh opportunity of struggling for their +much-coveted prize, cannot but be hailed by the yet unsatisfied +"Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others" with genuine joy and +thankfulness. + +That plain Mr. JOHN BOPKINS, or Mr. PETER PICKLETUB, Mayor, should +suddenly blossom out into Sir JOHN BOPKINS, and, possibly, Sir PETER +PICKLETUB, Bart., would only seem to those indefatigable gentlemen an +appropriate finish to their labours in furtherance of the interests +of the Institute. Their readiness, therefore, to prolong their +operations, as it may be measured by the fact that it will have the +special object not only of "procuring additions" to the Endowment +Fund, but also of tacking them on to their own names, is likely to +be both hearty and enthusiastic. Whether anything will come of their +hopeful perseverance, remains to be seen; but it is tolerably certain +that if some sort of bureau for the sale of decorations, after the +latest French model, could be instituted on this side of the Channel, +there would be no lack of clients ready to besiege it. But----we +manage these things much better in England. + + * * * * * + +When the Deputation waited on him, Mr. MATTHEWS was the "Not-at-Home +Secretary." Quite right too. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, October 29, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 37125.txt or 37125.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/2/37125/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |